Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements?

It's called Google Sheets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftboup/did_you_know_google_now_has_a_platform_for/
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What is the difference between my wife and my vacuum?

The vacuum doesn't snore after sex.
April fools, I don't have a wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftbopj/what_is_the_difference_between_my_wife_and_my/
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On my 18th birthday my friend introduced me to his fit sister.

I was happy to meat her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftb7sx/on_my_18th_birthday_my_friend_introduced_me_to/
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Which animal has the softest bite?

“Gummy” bears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftb6sw/which_animal_has_the_softest_bite/
%
Husband: I cheated on you once

Wife: well if we are coming clean I cheated on you too
Husband: haha April First!
Wife: it was May 17

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftawab/husband_i_cheated_on_you_once/
%
What do you call a boat full of dentists?

A tooth ferry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftauqh/what_do_you_call_a_boat_full_of_dentists/
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Just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock...

It's not great, but it gets me out of the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft9yt4/just_got_a_job_as_a_cuckoo_in_a_cuckoo_clock/
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How does Popeye stop his penis going rusty?

He sticks it in Olive Oyl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft9ps3/how_does_popeye_stop_his_penis_going_rusty/
%
What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it dies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8v27/whats_the_difference_between_meat_and_fish/
%
Why do you call your dog ”I-know-what-you-did”?

I love how many people jump 3 feet high when I start calling him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8lvd/why_do_you_call_your_dog_iknowwhatyoudid/
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A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8jyz/a_blonde_ordered_a_pizza_and_the_clerk_asked_if/
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Like a fucking idiot, I left my apartment door unlocked and some prick came in and took a shit

Yeah, so when I get home, I find two turds floating in the toilet. I know for a fact that when I left, there were three.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8jd8/like_a_fucking_idiot_i_left_my_apartment_door/
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A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a
divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft87y8/a_doctor_tells_a_woman_she_can_no_longer_touch/
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A Japanese, British, and American soldier are marooned on an island inhabited by cannibals

The three soldiers are brought to the tribal Chief, who tells the men they will be killed, skinned, and their skin will be used to make canoes. But, the Chief out of respect for the men will allow them to choose their own way to die.
The Japanese soldier asks for a sword and commits Seppuku. His body is hauled away.
The British soldier asks for a gun, holds the gun to his head and proclaims “long live the queen!” before pulling the trigger. His body is also hauled away.
The American soldier thinks for a second, then asks “so you want to kill us?”
“Yes” said the Chief
“And then you’re gonna use our skin to make canoes?”
Becoming aggravated, the Chief responds “yes, yes, what’s so hard to comprehend about this?”
“Well, in that case, I’ll take a fork please”
Confused, the Chief orders his men to give the American soldier a fork. He takes a deep breath and starts stabbing his skin repeatedly yelling “fuck your canoes!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft7s8e/a_japanese_british_and_american_soldier_are/
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Two men are cleaning windows on the 99th floor in a lift. One of them has an urge to pee.

Not wanting to travel all the way down Tom proposes he could piss down from the side. Chris hesitates a little because he's afraid of falling down. Tom says he'll hold Chris and Chris agrees. Chris starts pissing down but Tom gets distracted by a fly and he lets Chris go...
A month later 3 women are eating lunch and discussing where in the world are guys the horniest.
First woman thinks: "Has to be Mexico. Have you seen how hot and sweaty guys are over there? They must fuck all the time, that's why."
Second one says: "I was in a restaurant in France, after eating, rather than bringing me a cheque waiter brought me an invitation to his bed."
Third woman interrupts: "That's nothing. Horniest guys live right here in our home country. Just a month ago I was walking down a street few blocks from here. I wasn't wearing any makeup or sexy clothes. And suddenly guy comes down from the sky, his dick out, yelling "Fuck me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft7jek/two_men_are_cleaning_windows_on_the_99th_floor_in/
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Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms...

I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft7dof/pandemic_countrywide_fires_floods_locust_swarms/
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A duck threw a duck at another duck. So I shouted "DUCK!"....

They all looked at me and said "what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft729t/a_duck_threw_a_duck_at_another_duck_so_i_shouted/
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An American, an Asian, and Newfie were working on a 40 story building....

An American, a Chinese guy and a Newfie were working a 40 story skyscraper, while in the lunch room, the American opens up his lunch kit and complains,
“Look at this! Ham and cheese! Every day ham and cheese! I swear if I get another ham and cheese I’m jumping off this building tomorrow!”
His Chinese friend said “I hear ya buddy my wife she give me chicken sandwiches every day nothing but chicken, I don’t want you to die along so I will jump with you IF I get another Chicken sandwich”
The Newfie half hearing the conversation says “well I got a peanut butter and marmalade sandwich, if I get one tomorrow, I’ll jump with you guys!” Seemingly excited.
The next day the American took one look in his lunch kit put off to the side and took the elevator to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it, the Chinese guy took one look in his lunch kit put off to the side and took the elevator to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it. The Newfie was on the same elevator ride up with the Chinese guy to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it,
A few days later the wives were all grieving the American’s wife says sobbing “well if I had known he didn’t like Ham and cheese sandwich I won’t have given him ham and cheese sandwiches!” The Chinese’s wife says sobbing “I know right, husband says he loves my cooking but no complaints about chicken sandwiches!” They look to the Newfie’s wife and she says
“Don’t look at me, he made his own lunch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft722f/an_american_an_asian_and_newfie_were_working_on_a/
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What is the difference between a new wife and a new job?

After 5 years the job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6ws9/what_is_the_difference_between_a_new_wife_and_a/
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I am gonna leave r/jokes here is why:

Why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6wfd/i_am_gonna_leave_rjokes_here_is_why/
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Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date.

Mr. T: Here's your girl.
Ninja Turtles: who is she?
Mr T: Its April, fools.
Also, I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6wf1/mr_t_set_the_ninja_turtles_up_on_a_blind_date/
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Honeymoon

It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."
The husband replies, How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6lri/honeymoon/
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When one door closes, another one opens

Other than that, it's a pretty good car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6eeo/when_one_door_closes_another_one_opens/
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Elite Hacker Finds a Magic Lamp

He rubs it and a genie pops out.
The genie says "You have three wishes."
Elite Hacker says "I wish I have zero more wishes."
Genie says "You have 255 more wishes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6cwb/elite_hacker_finds_a_magic_lamp/
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People must not cough near you. People can only cough far away. When you hear people cough, you should tell them to

Far Cough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6c9z/people_must_not_cough_near_you_people_can_only/
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Why did the semen cross the road ?

Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6ad2/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.   They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.   The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."   The brunette says, "Ive been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.   I just want to go home." POOF!   The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.  Then, the red head says, "Ive been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.   I wish I could go home too." POOF!   The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.   The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.   The genie asks, "My dear, whats the matter?"   The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft662b/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stuck_on_an/
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Masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss.

Anyways, did you know that masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6554/masturbating_too_much_during_quarantine_can_lead/
%
Can February March?

No, but April May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft64nv/can_february_march/
%
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great
pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft62dk/a_group_of_kindergarteners_were_trying_to_become/
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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5tge/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/
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Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces

And are now fed-up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5lbe/due_to_a_huge_increase_in_deliveries_fedex_and/
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Nsfw: Do you think sperm would be disappointed...

...to find out they were in a gay dude's balls?  They have one job: to be a baby, but the best they can be is a snack.
Imagine your whole life you wanted to be an astronaut.  You went to space camp, you studied hard. You beat the odds, and came in first of your class...you get the job, they load you into the rocket and instead of shooting you into space, they shoot you into some guy's asshole.
I mean, being in a straight guy's balls can't be any better...like it's the last day of school, the bell rings, and all the kids pours out the doors and right into a sock.  Even best case scenario you're target demographic is a cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5hdg/nsfw_do_you_think_sperm_would_be_disappointed/
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Two men were riding through Mississippi when they're pulled over for speeding..

The officer approaches the driver's side, opens the door, pulls the driver out, and begins beating him senseless. When he's done he tells the driver, "We don't drive like assholes in Mississippi." Shoves him back in the car, walks around to the passenger side, repeating the process. The passenger pleads, "I wasn't driving, why me? Why ME?!"
The officer says, "So you don't say I wish he would've tried that shit with me five miles down the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5dm6/two_men_were_riding_through_mississippi_when/
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Bill and Fred hang out at the beach . . .

Bill meets a lot of girls, but Fred can’t get anywhere with them. Finally, Fred takes Bill aside and asks him, “What’s your secret?”
“Well,” Bill says in a low voice, “I always put a potato in my trunks. Works every time!”
Fred thinks that it’s a great idea, and the next day, he puts a potato in his trunks.
They return to the beach, but this time the girls are RUNNING away from him.
Bill waves him over. “Fred,” he says, “the potato goes in the front.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5a7k/bill_and_fred_hang_out_at_the_beach/
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News: Los Angeles to reopen gun shops as "essential" businesses.

Just in time for the reopening of the schools next week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft54o6/news_los_angeles_to_reopen_gun_shops_as_essential/
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An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."...

...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."
The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."
Then the Irishman says "Oi tink Oi'd like for t' see a hundred Oirish dancers all doin' Riverdance before Oi go."
The Englishman says "My request? Will you shoot me first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4td1/an_englishman_an_irishman_a_scotsman_and_a/
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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.
One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the solution. In the forest by the pond, there is a magic purple toad. If you can get the toad to say 'No' to you, your penis will shrink by three inches."
The man followed the witch's advice, and went into the forest. Sure enough, by the lakeside was a large purple toad. The man thought for a moment, then walked up to the toad and said, "Hey magic toad, do you want to have sex with me?"
The toad replied with a disgusted face, "What? No!"
As promised, the man's penis shrunk to 12 inches! But it was still too big for him to be comfortable with, so he asked again, "Magic toad, please won't you have sex with me?" The toad once again made a face and croaked, "Ew, no!" and the man's penis shrunk to 9 inches. Still, he thought that might be too big.
"6 inches should be fine," he decided, so he went to the toad once more and said, "Magic toad, I need you to have sex with me!" to which the magic toad replied, "How many times do I have to tell you?! No! No! A thousand times no!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4g9t/once_there_was_a_man_with_a_15_inch_penis/
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A Community Joke Where I Live (Sorry Californians)

A Montanan, a Russian, and a Californian walk into a bar. The Russian orders vodka, pulls out his gun, and shoots it.
Everyone says, "Why did you do that?". The Russian replies, "Back at home, we have a lot of vodka,"
The whole bar laughs at this. Then, the Californian orders wine, takes the Russian's gun, and shoots the bottle.
The bartender asks,"Why did you do that?" The Californian says,"In California, we have a lot of wine."
Again, the whole bar laughs. The Montanan order some beer, drinks it, takes the Russian's gun from the Californian and shoots him.
Everyone screams, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" The Montanan replies, over sirens,"Well, in Montana, we have too many fucking Californians."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4d0s/a_community_joke_where_i_live_sorry_californians/
%
An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting.

They see a massive buck, and the physicist gets to take the first shot.
The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calculated the optimal firing angle.  He takes his rifle, consults his calculations, lines up and fires...but his shot is too high and goes over the buck.
This being a joke, the buck doesn't run away so it's now the engineer's turn.  He pulls out his tool kit and constructs a device to aim and fire his rifle.  He completes construction, straps his rifle in, and calibrates the machine.  The engineer then presses the fire button and steps back.  The machine whirs, then fires the rifle...but the shot is too low and passes under the deer.
The statistician throws his fists into the air and shouts, "We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3zlr/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_a_statistician_go/
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Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3w6s/farmer_joes_bull_breaks_down_the_barbed_wire/
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What do you call a cheap circumsion?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3uvm/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumsion/
%
A Woman gets 3 wishes...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog.
The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart!
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3n2a/a_woman_gets_3_wishes/
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Before VS After Marriage

Before Marriage:
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage:
(Read from bottom to top)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3a8v/before_vs_after_marriage/
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What’s a pregnant woman to a cannibal?

Kinder surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft35ix/whats_a_pregnant_woman_to_a_cannibal/
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Cross-eyed Cow

One  day farmer Brown went to the barn to milk his prize cow. When he got to  the barn he was shocked to find that the cows eyes were crossed! He  thought, "This is a valuable cow, I can't have it walking around  cross-eyed." So he called the Vet.
The  vet came out and said he knew exactly what to do. He proceeded to take  out a hose and stick it in the cow's butt. He then told the farmer to go  around and watch the cow's eyes.
As  the farmer was watching the vet took a deep breath and blew into the  hose. To the farmer's amazement the cow's eyes went back to normal. The  vet said that'll be $200. The farmer was a bit taken aback by the steep  charge, but he was thankful that his cow was back to normal, so he paid  the vet without complaint.
The  next day, he went out to milk the cow as usual. To his great dismay he  found that the cow's eyes were crossed again! He didn't feel like paying  the vet again though, so he decided to treat the cow himself.
He  began to do the same procedure to the cow exactly as he saw the vet do  it the day before. However he could not see if it was having the same  effect. So he called Billy-Bob the farm hand over and said, "I want you  to watch the cow's eyes while I blow in this hose." Billy-Bob agreed and  watched as farmer Brown did the deed. However, nothing happened. He  reported to the farmer who tried it again. Still, no result.
Farmer  Brown was stumped, so he told Billy-Bob to blow while he watched the  eyes. As farmer Brown moved to the front, he saw Billy-Bob take out the  hose and turned it around! Just before he put it to his lips, the farmer  yelled, "What the hell are you doing?!"
Billy-Bob  looked at him incredulously and said, "You don't think I am gonna put  my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2tx3/crosseyed_cow/
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I have a Polish friend that is a microphone tester

And a Czech one, too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2o6s/i_have_a_polish_friend_that_is_a_microphone_tester/
%
You know the worst part about taking a corpse out on a date?

They're quiet they always give you the cold shoulder and always seem pretty stiff when it comes to paying the bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2mu7/you_know_the_worst_part_about_taking_a_corpse_out/
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Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb.

Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2klg/scientists_have_recently_discovered_that_97_of/
%
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2iik/my_girlfriend_and_i_had_sex_a_couple_of_days_ago/
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A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.

The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose."
The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2ftx/a_man_ran_into_the_bar_and_asked_the_bartender/
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I was asked" How often do you have sex?"

Almost everyday. Almost on Sunday. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Etc. Etc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft25s0/i_was_asked_how_often_do_you_have_sex/
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Q: Have you ever seen Malcolm in the middle?

A) Yes
B) No
C) Maybe
D) I don't know
E) Can you repeat the question

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft24br/q_have_you_ever_seen_malcolm_in_the_middle/
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Why did Egyptian royalty have an easy time getting married?

They had great Pharaoh-mones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft1yxm/why_did_egyptian_royalty_have_an_easy_time/
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My wife offered me a blowjob today.

‘Really’ I said
‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’
That’ll teach her to be funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft1o1w/my_wife_offered_me_a_blowjob_today/
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A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft10kc/a_man_who_lived_by_the_sea_grew_a_cucumber_so/
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A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free."  So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset.  He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.
As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle.  "Is this your last request?" the chief asks.   "Uh, no," says the cowboy.  "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more."  "Ok..." says the chief.  The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses,
"You idiot!  I said 'Posse!  Posse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0qtq/a_cowboy_is_captured_by_indians_the_chief_tells/
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Did you know that wombats are capable of complex mathematical operations?

They can cube the number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0e1m/did_you_know_that_wombats_are_capable_of_complex/
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Do you ever wonder "Who am I? Where am I going? What am I doing?"

Well, mind your own business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0ch3/do_you_ever_wonder_who_am_i_where_am_i_going_what/
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A woman is giving birth to her child

And finally, after much effort and pain, the doctor manages to help deliver the baby. The Doctor then proceeds to chuck the baby out of the window.
W: "Why? Why did you do that to my poor baby, you monster?"
The Doctor laughs maniacally and replies "April Fool's! He was already dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0axc/a_woman_is_giving_birth_to_her_child/
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What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

Halloumi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft07qs/what_did_the_cheese_say_when_it_saw_itself_in_the/
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A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters...

He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality.
The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future.
The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical.
The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables.
After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception.
The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszz6t/a_man_visits_a_wise_man_and_meets_his_three/
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Thought of this one on my own when I was a youngster.

Why did the artist lose the gun fight?
He didn't draw his gun fast enough!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszxcn/thought_of_this_one_on_my_own_when_i_was_a/
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Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?
**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.
**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**
**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
**Defense Attorney:**
Did you know him?
**Little Old Lady:**
No, but he sure was friendly.
**Defense Attorney:**
What happened after he sat down?
**Little Old Lady:**
He started to rub my thigh.
**Defense Attorney:**
Did you stop him?
**Little Old Lady:**
No, I didn't stop him.
**Defense Attorney:**
Why not?
**Little Old Lady:**
It felt good.
Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
**Defense Attorney:**
What happened next?
**Little Old Lady:**
He began to rub my breasts.
**Defense Attorney:**
Did you stop him then?
**Little Old Lady:**
No, I did not stop him.
**Defense Attorney:**
Why not?
**Little Old Lady:**
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!
**Defense Attorney:**
What happened next?
**Little Old Lady:**
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him,
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
**Defense Attorney:**
Did he take you?
**Little Old Lady:**
Hell, no!
He just yelled, **'April Fool!'**
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszwxp/grandma_in_court/
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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.
Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,200,000.
Colonel Smith chooses the reach of his arms, that is from the tip of his right index finger to the tip of his left index finger, which results in a distance of 75 inches (so he gets $7.5M).
Finally Colonel McConaughey chooses the distance from the tip of his penis to his balls
-"*Colonel, choose two parts that are more separated, you'll win more money that way!*" - says the soldier in charge of the measurement.
-"*No, i'm sure these are the parts i want measured, please proceed!*" - answers the colonel.
The soldier then proceeds to take the measuring tape from the tip of colonel's dick and stretches the tape to reach the balls when suddenly he stops and asks "*Wait...where are your balls*?!"
-"*I lost them in Vietnam*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszw6c/three_american_colonels_are_in_the_us_about_to/
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They should put all COVID-19 patients to las vegas

What happens in vegas stays in vegas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszrku/they_should_put_all_covid19_patients_to_las_vegas/
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Doctor: "i'm sorry to say you've got lung cancer."

Patient: [tearing up] "oh god, no!"
Doctor: "Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!"
Patient: [angry] "What the hell?"
Doctor: "Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszoxm/doctor_im_sorry_to_say_youve_got_lung_cancer/
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A man is suing another man for a car crash....

Man : my hand hurts and i can't even raise it!
lawyer: how high can you raise it now?
the man raises his hand to a very low place
lawyer: and how high were you able to raise it before the crash?
the man raises his hand the highest his hand can go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszlse/a_man_is_suing_another_man_for_a_car_crash/
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How can you tell if a soprano is at your front door?

She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszl99/how_can_you_tell_if_a_soprano_is_at_your_front/
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

only one cause they don't like to share the spot light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszjxu/how_many_actors_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Doctors in New York have come up with a cocktail of drugs to treat symptoms in patients with Coronavirus..

They’re calling it The Manhattan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszhox/doctors_in_new_york_have_come_up_with_a_cocktail/
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Beautiful But

A lady goes to a tattoo parlor to get Beautiful Butt tattooed on her behind in large letters because her husband keeps telling her what a Beautiful Butt she has. The tattoo artist convinces her that Beautiful  Butt in large letters may not look to good with a big crack going down through the middle of the tattoo.  So they decide on a big B on each but check.After she gets the tattoo she goes home and gets ready to surprise her husband. She gets naked and waits at the top of stairs for him to come in from work.Her husband opens the front door, steps in and sees her naked at he top of the stairs.  She says,”I have a surprise for you honey.”  Turns around and bends over.  Her husband looks at her ass and says,”Bob, Bob, who in the hell is Bob!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszf3j/beautiful_but/
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What kind of jokes are allowed during the quarantine?

Inside jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszb7d/what_kind_of_jokes_are_allowed_during_the/
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What do they call it when your eye is infected with COVID-19?

Corona-Iris.  I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz6fd/what_do_they_call_it_when_your_eye_is_infected/
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911: 911, what is your emergency?

Woman: I was just sexually assaulted by a painter!
911: How do you know he was a painter?
Woman: He was drunk and didn't finish the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz678/911_911_what_is_your_emergency/
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Why can't ants get sick from Coronavirus?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz5se/why_cant_ants_get_sick_from_coronavirus/
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The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The customer is visibly impressed. He then notices something else. He asks "Is that the same reason you have a ketchup bottle in your apron?" The waiter says "Exactly!" The customer says "One last question. Why is there a string coming out of your fly?" The waiter explains "That string is tied to my penis. When i go pee, i just have to unzip and then give it a tug. That way, i save valuable time not having to wash my hands." The customer says "I see. But how do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyxhp/the_spoon_in_a_waiters_pocket_catches_the/
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Why did the pilot get sick?

Because he flu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyrjh/why_did_the_pilot_get_sick/
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Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed

This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says:
“Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says:
“Actually, I’m going to this party at 8pm at this address. You should come by!”
So he finishes with work, and goes home. He tidied up, gets dressed, and gets ready for the party.
8pm rolls by, and he gets to the address. It’s got a neon sign labeled “The Joke.” He doesn’t know anyone there except for the frosted cheerio, and he just kind of wants to leave. She comes up to him and says:
“So glad you could come! Are you having a good time?”
“Not really. I don’t know anyone here except for you. I think I’m just gonna get some punch.” He says.
“Ooh, grab me a glass, would you?” She says.
So he goes up to the table with all the drinks and snacks and such, but there isn’t anyone there. He grabs two glasses and promptly gets back to the  frosted cheerio.
“So, how’d it go?” Says the frosted cheerio.
“Smoothly. There wasn’t even a line.” He replies.
“Really?” She has a look of pure astonishment for some reason.
“Yeah. The joke doesn’t have a punchline.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsymst/told_this_joke_every_summer_as_a_camp_counselor/
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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me
I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.
When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.
He didn't go on holiday to Spain, France or even the Lake District. No, his family holidays were centred around the agricultural shows, especially the Great Yorkshire Show and the Appleby Show.
Sometimes, the tractor salesmen would even let him go for a ride on a tractor while they moved them about the ground!
As he grew up, his love for tractors never waned or faded, and was just as strong on his wedding day as when he was a child, to the point, he didn't have wedding cars, but tractors!
On his honeymoon, he and his new wife travelled north to stay at Appleby Manor Hotel and go to the show, telling everyone that they were honeymooning.
One of the salesmen, who'd known him for years, asked if he'd like to drive his new wife around the showground in the newest machine.
Obviously, he leapt at the chance! To take control of a tractor? This was a dream come true!
So, he and his wife climbed aboard and he drove a full circuit of the ground, loving every single second.
Of course, it couldn't last forever and all too soon, they got back to the salesman. They jumped down and thanked the salesman gratefully. The salesman asked if they'd like a photo with the tractor. Of course, they said yes and they stood next to the tractor, he with his hand on the step in front of the big wheel and his wife to the outside.
Unknown to anyone, he had forgotten to put the handbrake on and a sudden gust of wind, combined with the slight incline the tractor was on caused it to roll forward.
Before anyone realised what was happening, he'd slipped on the grass and the big wheel had run straight over him.
The Great North Air Ambulance service was in attendance and flew him straight to the Cumberland Infirmary at Carlisle. Nearly every bone in his body was broken, several of organs were damaged and he had huge internal bleeding.
It took hours of surgery to stabilise his condition, followed by a medically induced coma lasting several weeks and repeated surgical treatments to realign bones and repair what damage they could.
He then was put into an intense physiotherapy regime to teach him to walk and rebuild the strength he had lost over the past six months.
Obviously, all this time in the hospital gave him a lot of time to think about his life and he came to the realisation that being such a huge fan of tractors had been a massive waste of time and had, in the end, cost him a lot more than it had ever been worth. He vowed, silently, to leave his obsession behind and move on with a more normal life.
As he laid in his hospital bed, day after day, week after week, month after month, subsisting on the hospital food and whatever his beloved and devoted wife bought to him, he realised that when he got out of there, what he really fancied was a proper pie and a pint in a proper pub.
So when the day came, and he was finally discharged from the loving care of the infirmary, he hurpled on his stick across the road to the pub he'd seen. He got his pint from the bar, ordered a steak and ale pie with creamy mash, peas and gravy and took a seat at a table next to the window.
He was sipping away, soaking up the ambiance and listening to the old man at the end of the bar put the world to rights, when the door to the kitchen flew open and a huge billow of smoke plumed into the bar and filled the room.
Everyone was panicking, trying to get out of the pub, but not my mate.
He just calmly stood up, using the table for support and opened the window. He turned his head into the smoke and inhaled deeply, turned back to the window and blew out. He did this twice more and the smoke was gone.
Everyone just stopped and looked at him. After a moment the bartender spoke, “How the fuck did you do that???”
“Easy,” replied my friend, as he took his seat and picked up his pint, “I'm an ex tractor fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsymm8/what_a_set_up_for_a_dad_joke_its_worth_it_tho/
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Wedding

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsy3cb/wedding/
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Mickey Mouse wakes up on a snowy day and looks out his window.

He looks down and sees, "Mickey sucks" written in the snow in piss. He looks up and sees two people running away. So he calls the cops.
After an investigation, a detective says to Mickey, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is we found out it was Goofy's urine. The bad news is, it was Minnie's hand writing. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsxx82/mickey_mouse_wakes_up_on_a_snowy_day_and_looks/
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While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument,

their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What’s yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsxnjh/while_two_families_were_waiting_in_line_to_see/
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3 young men were lost in the desert without any food and water.

After almost a full day of trying to find their way out, they stumbled across a small house.  The 3 young men decided to see if there was any way they could get any help, including some drinks and a meal.  After knocking on the door, the ugliest, most wrinkly, stinkiest women answered the door.
Man #1: “So sorry to interrupt you this evening, but my two friends and I are stranded in this desert.  Could we possibly use your phone and have a snack and some water"
Lady: “Of course.  I would be happy to help you handsome young me out! I actually just brewed some tea and made meatloaf.  But first, one of you guys has to fuck me.”
The 3 young men looked at each other, almost vomiting at the idea of sticking their dick inside this vile woman.
Man #1: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I have a girl friend.”
He walks away, tapping his friends shoulder.
Man #2: “Yeah.  I’m gay so I won’t be able to get hard.”
He walks away, joining his other friend.
Man #3: “I will do it.  But you have to wear a blindfold.”
Lady: “That’s just fine sweetie. Come on in.”
Man #3 walks inside with the Lady while his other two friends stick outside.  The ugly lady undresses, puts a blindfold on, and hands him a condom.  He takes a corn on the cob from the pantry and inserts it into the lady, using it as a dildo.  The lady screams and moans while the man is trying not to gag from the smell.  After she orgasms, he throws the corn on the cob out of the window and stuffs the unused condom in his pocket.
Lady: “Wow that was absolutely amazing.  Here is some meatloaf and a thermos of iced tea.  My phone is on the countertop right over there”
After making some phone calls to his family and checking the gps to figure out how to get home, he walks outside with the meatloaf and some cold tea and walks around the corner of the house to find his friends.
Man #3: “Hey guys, look how good this meatloaf looks!”
Man #2: “Man, I don’t know about you. But we just shared the best buttered corn in our lives!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx8v5/3_young_men_were_lost_in_the_desert_without_any/
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A Religious Woman Get Married at 17

She's married to her husband for 17 years, has 13 children with him.
He passes away, she marries again. This time, she and her husband are married for 23 years, and have 11 kids before he passes to the other side.
One year later she gets called to Heaven.
At her funeral, the Priest says, "Let us thank our Father in Heaven that they're finally together."
After the service, one of her children walks up to the Priest and asks, "When you said, 'Thank God they're together,' did you mean her and her first husband or her and her second husband?"
The Priest says, "...I meant her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx5h7/a_religious_woman_get_married_at_17/
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A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.

"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam.
"Because i iron better than you." answered the maid.
Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?"
"your husband did."
Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?"
"i cook better than you, madam."
"who said that?"
"Your husband did."
A sense of defeat and humiliation overflowed within madam, but she is still unwilling to admit defeat.
"Is that all?" asked the madam hesitantly.
"i have sex better than you, madam." coolly answered the maid.
With a seething rage and trembling voice, the madam asked, "did my husband say that?"
The maid answered, "no, the gardener did."
"Oh, so how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx13r/a_gorgeous_maid_met_her_madam_and_asked_for_a_pay/
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Why did the queen felt depressed lately?

Because she is in a midlife-crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx002/why_did_the_queen_felt_depressed_lately/
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Why did the people who moved constantly never get angry?

Because they were no-mads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswxzr/why_did_the_people_who_moved_constantly_never_get/
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A guy almost lost all his money on Reddit.

To read the second part please input your credit card information bellow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswl8s/a_guy_almost_lost_all_his_money_on_reddit/
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Since lockdown began, I've started making home movies...

You could say I've became a regular Tentin Quarantino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswgcf/since_lockdown_began_ive_started_making_home/
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I wish I could be ugly for just one day

Because honestly, being ugly everyday sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswery/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_just_one_day/
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A man's wife goes missing...

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Colour of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Audi
Sergeant:
What kind of Audi was it?
Husband: (sobbing)
Audi A6 Avant Black Edition,
Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Audi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswa5p/a_mans_wife_goes_missing/
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My wife complained that I never finish anything

So I replied wi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsw7w7/my_wife_complained_that_i_never_finish_anything/
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How do you get rid of a republican?

You tell him that economy is suffering and he should sacrifice himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsw1t9/how_do_you_get_rid_of_a_republican/
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What do you call an orgy between planets?

The Big Bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsvriu/what_do_you_call_an_orgy_between_planets/
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Why do the Swedish military have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they all return to port, they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsvkwo/why_do_the_swedish_military_have_barcodes_on_the/
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I’ve been off my OCD pills for more than a year now!

(Or 374 days, 7 hours and 3 minutes to be exact)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsuqk1/ive_been_off_my_ocd_pills_for_more_than_a_year_now/
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A high school girl decides she wants extra cash to buy clothes

She walks all over town trying to find a job for someone her age. She meets three men.
The first man is short, stocky, and has a red beard. He offers her a job gutting fish. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell.
The second man has a purple jumpsuit on and black adidas. He offers her a job coaching a middle school track team. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell.
The third man is tall and skinny, wearing a big trench coat and with a greasy slicked down mustache. He offers her a job doing kinky knee videos for a very niche crowd of viewers. She has a very pretty set of knees so she agrees.
She excels tremendously at her job and within weeks has hundreds of guys paying her for simple videos of her knees! The only issue is, she’s up all night making them. She can’t sleep.
She comes down for breakfast one day with black bags under her eyes and her dad says “honey, you absolutely need to get some sleep.”
She replies “I can’t! I’m in some knee act”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsumjz/a_high_school_girl_decides_she_wants_extra_cash/
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The Gates of Heaven

Three friends Thomas, Arthur, and Frank die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them and tells them that due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, God asked him to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
The three friends were sad realizing that all three will not be together anymore, so they ask him how are you going to choose who among us will go through the gates? To which St Peter replied, " If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll go straight to Hell.”  The three friends agreed.
Thomas stepped in first. He was a philosopher so he said, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ Socrates’ teachings.”   With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to St Peter. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, you are going to Hell!”
Arthur was next.  He was a mathematician so he asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!”    With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to St Peter. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.  “Then, you are going to Hell!”
Finally, Frank stepped in. He asked St peter to bring him a chair and he brought forward a chair. Frank asked him to drill 20 holes on the chair, he did just that.
Frank then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?”
St. Peter inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the top-right.”
“Wrong,” said Frank, “It’s wrong.”
“It came out from my asshole.”
And Frank went to Heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsu453/the_gates_of_heaven/
%
Where is the worst place you can go?

In your pants.
(From my 5 year old daughter, now much older)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fstw8x/where_is_the_worst_place_you_can_go/
%
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?

Crabs on your organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fstuau/whats_worse_than_lobsters_on_your_piano/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Only two but you have to wonder how they got in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fstbpd/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
We're sorry to announce that April fools has been postponed.

Due to the recent coronavirus crisis, April fools has been postponed to May 1st, 2020.
Thanks for your cooperation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fst9wa/were_sorry_to_announce_that_april_fools_has_been/
%
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.

Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fst7xv/alright_2020_youve_had_your_fun/
%
In highschool, I won the "most secretive" award!

I can't tell you how much it meant to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssydp/in_highschool_i_won_the_most_secretive_award/
%
A dude walks up to a woman at a party...

"Of all the ladies at this party, you're average", he said.
The woman replied, "You are mean".
And he said, "No, you are".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssu9u/a_dude_walks_up_to_a_woman_at_a_party/
%
A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final.

Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
His answer to the question: "What chair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssqqc/a_philosophy_professor_walks_in_to_give_his_class/
%
Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?

She sat on Pinocchio's nose and screamed, " Lie to me! Lie to Me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssll8/why_did_snow_white_get_kicked_out_of_disneyland/
%
I want to open a dispensary for people who like weed, but not too much...

...I’m going to call it *Herb Your Enthusiasm*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssl2m/i_want_to_open_a_dispensary_for_people_who_like/
%
Why did the cops arrest the two crows before more could arrive?

Attempted murder.
There was probable caws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssdfp/why_did_the_cops_arrest_the_two_crows_before_more/
%
A neutron was pulled over by a cop

There were no charges

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fss6f9/a_neutron_was_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
%
Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19.

He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity."
The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!"
They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus.
He answers, "I'm Boris Johnson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fss1pk/three_men_are_sitting_in_a_hospital_room_the/
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What did the lovebirds eat in quarantine when their plans for Las Vegas were canceled?

Cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrzte/what_did_the_lovebirds_eat_in_quarantine_when/
%
My ex has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh...

I shit you not, when you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsru9r/my_ex_has_a_tattoo_of_a_shell_on_her_inner_thigh/
%
Little Boy

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrpjr/little_boy/
%
I’ve always wanted to have Parkinson’s

Just to shake thing up a bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrlcm/ive_always_wanted_to_have_parkinsons/
%
Parents should wake their kids up early tomorrow and tell them to get ready for school because coronavirus was canceled

April Fool's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrhry/parents_should_wake_their_kids_up_early_tomorrow/
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I know I've never been all that attractive

But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrhcb/i_know_ive_never_been_all_that_attractive/
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What did the doe (female deer) say as she was coming out of the woods?

I'll never do that for two bucks again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrgrt/what_did_the_doe_female_deer_say_as_she_was/
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Made this one up a couple months ago walking my daughter home from school after a snow day...

My daughter and her friend were telling me that they were building a chair out of snow at recess and it inspired this gem of a dad joke.
If a chair made of snow is a snair,
And a table made of snow is a snable,
What is a house made of snow?
.
.
.
.
.
An igloo of course!!!
(I bet you thought snouse!!)
Posting today as I just realized it’s my cake day!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsre9r/made_this_one_up_a_couple_months_ago_walking_my/
%
Game Warden

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.
“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrb3i/game_warden/
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April Fool's day has been cancelled due to coronavirus.

Everything you'll hear is true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsr8x8/april_fools_day_has_been_cancelled_due_to/
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My son is such a miserable c*nt

Bought him a brand new trampoline for christmas and all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqx1l/my_son_is_such_a_miserable_cnt/
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Teddy Roosevelt: what should we name the president's house?

**guy who named the blueberry:** what colour is it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqx0m/teddy_roosevelt_what_should_we_name_the/
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“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqv2k/i_love_my_job_exclaimed_the_farmer_all_you_do_is/
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A man carefully looking through his marriage certificate

His wife asked: What are you looking for?
Man answered: Searched through this for 3 hours and found no GODDAMN Expiration date!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqtqq/a_man_carefully_looking_through_his_marriage/
%
My wife said she thinks she saw people with blue-colored skin

I told her "It's just a pigment of your imagination"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqnii/my_wife_said_she_thinks_she_saw_people_with/
%
Why did young Ewan McGregor refuse to do Algebra homework?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsql3h/why_did_young_ewan_mcgregor_refuse_to_do_algebra/
%
Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces?

So you know that it's time to change the channel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqj1l/why_does_dj_khaled_shout_his_name_at_the/
%
3 Engineers

are discussing God and the human body.
The first Engineer says God has to be an Electrical Engineer, who else could wire up such a complicated system?
The second Engineer says God has to be a Structural Engineer, who else could build such a strong and sturdy frame?
The third Engineer says you are both wrong. God IS a Civil Engineer, who else would run a sewer line through a recreational area?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqfg2/3_engineers/
%
I asked a grocery store worker where I could find cakes, pastries and Twinkies and the like and he took me over to the right place, telling me this is the proper spot but then left me before I could find what I was looking for and I couldn't leave until I found it.

So, yes, I was stranded on a desserted aisle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqf9i/i_asked_a_grocery_store_worker_where_i_could_find/
%
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

She said: “in a mirror”
This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq7yy/i_was_doing_a_pretend_job_interview_with_my_6/
%
The end is neigh

bors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq6cm/the_end_is_neigh/
%
A little old lady sold pretzels on the corner for fifty cents each

A little old lady sold pretzels on the street corner for fifty cents each. Every day, a young lawyer would exit his office building at lunch, and as he passed her pretzel stand, he'd leave two quarters. However, he never took a pretzel.
This went on for nearly five years.
Even though they never spoke, every day he'd leave fifty cents, they'd make eye contact, and she would nod her gratitude as he walked away without a pretzel.
Finally one day, as the lawyer passed her stand and laid down his two quarters, the pretzel woman spoke to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are my best customer, but you need to know something. The price of pretzels has gone up to seventy-five cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq4z8/a_little_old_lady_sold_pretzels_on_the_corner_for/
%
They say you can lead a horse to water, but how do you make a horse drink?

Put it in a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq28i/they_say_you_can_lead_a_horse_to_water_but_how_do/
%
I asked my sister how her blind date went

"Oh it was terrible" she said, "He showed up in a 1948 Rolls-Royce." "So what's so bad about \*that\*?" I asked. Apparently he was the original owner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fspyp5/i_asked_my_sister_how_her_blind_date_went/
%
My parents said I could go outside but had to stay 6 feet away from everyone

So I went for a nice walk around the cemetery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsprjg/my_parents_said_i_could_go_outside_but_had_to/
%
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb needs to want to truly change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fspnq7/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A man is buying a banana, an apple, and two eggs...

The female cashier says, “Wow, you must be single!”
The man answers, “Yes, actually I am. How on earth did you know that?”
Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fspmwc/a_man_is_buying_a_banana_an_apple_and_two_eggs/
%
This German shepherd comes has a poo on my lawn every day !

Yesterday he brought a dog along

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsp4t8/this_german_shepherd_comes_has_a_poo_on_my_lawn/
%
Testing trouble.

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsot27/testing_trouble/
%
Starting Salary.

,Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsos7m/starting_salary/
%
British people be like “I’m bri ish”

Because they drank the t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoopl/british_people_be_like_im_bri_ish/
%
Ancient Greeks invented sex

And Romans made it fun by adding women into it.....
Until the British came...eh...arrived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoo5t/ancient_greeks_invented_sex/
%
A guy was walking home at night.

When out of nowhere a hooker appeared and said “20 dollars.” The man replies “Hmmm... I’ve never been with a hooker before.  At that point the man and the hooker walk over to some nearby bushes. They start going at it and about a minute or two in an officer walks over to the bushes and shines his light on the woman’s face. The officer says “What’s going on here?” To the man and the hooker. The man replies “I was making love to my wife.” The officer responds with “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” The man than replies with “Well neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsom3m/a_guy_was_walking_home_at_night/
%
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Ukranian man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Ukranian man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the bacon, pig?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsojb1/an_englishman_a_scottish_man_and_an_ukranian_man/
%
Why should China have a baseball team?

Because they can take out the whole world with just one bat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoe4j/why_should_china_have_a_baseball_team/
%
Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.”
Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.”
His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.”
Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan.
On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.
Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door.
Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop.
Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?”
Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsobjc/christmas_was_coming_and_little_johnnys_mom_and/
%
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoa6d/what_do_you_call_a_bacterial_disease_caused_by/
%
Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it's cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fso9io/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_female/
%
I told my wife to flatten her curves

Now we are socially distanced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fso7ck/i_told_my_wife_to_flatten_her_curves/
%
My boxing student quit so I think I’m going to replace her with my stylist.

I remember that she said she was proud of her bob and weave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnr70/my_boxing_student_quit_so_i_think_im_going_to/
%
A man went to the doctor and told him, "Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreams in which I have wrestling matches with donkeys."

The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Take these, and your dreams will go away."
"Can I start taking them tomorrow?" the man asked.
"Why?" the doctor inquired.
"Because I'm scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight," he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnimq/a_man_went_to_the_doctor_and_told_him_every_night/
%
My girlfriend and I are practicing social distancing

Or as she calls it breaking up with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnhdn/my_girlfriend_and_i_are_practicing_social/
%
Why did the quarantine shut down the Indian Cuisine?

Because it was a naan-Essential business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnegs/why_did_the_quarantine_shut_down_the_indian/
%
Why was Heisenberg a poor lover?

When he had the position, he couldn't find the momentum, and when he had the momentum, he couldn't find the position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsna07/why_was_heisenberg_a_poor_lover/
%
Jim moves to a small village for a new job...

... And the village has no women - only men and animals.
Jim asks a villager, "There are no women? How do you live without sex?"
The villager points to a horse and says, "Oh, we just use that horse over there."
Jim, now absolutely revolted, walks away in disgust. He thinks to himself, "God! These barbarians are practicing bestiality! How terrible!"
However, after months of living in the village, the horse looks more and more attractive. One day, the man can't take it anymore and asks the head of the village if he can use the horse for sex. The leader agrees, and so he sends a team of volunteers, headed by Jim, to use the horse.
As they approach the horse, Jim takes off his pants and starts boinking this horse.
"**What are you doing?**" exclaimed the rest of the team, "We don't fuck the horse; we ride it to the next town over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsn6er/jim_moves_to_a_small_village_for_a_new_job/
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The peculiar tale of Hyman Goldfarb

During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb.
On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.
"That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?"
"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."
"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."
"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"
Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... Can you say that in Hebrew?"
"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh.
Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."
At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak. Out came "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh."
The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all the other knights?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsmoxj/the_peculiar_tale_of_hyman_goldfarb/
%
In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.

Just treat it like it's any other day.
Have fun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fslvls/in_honor_of_the_eve_of_april_fools_day_just/
%
The words I'm sorry and I apologize mean the exact same thing...

...well except at funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fslbyw/the_words_im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_exact/
%
Have you heard what happen to Mike Tyson's strip club?

Do to covid-19 they're clothed till further notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsl4j7/have_you_heard_what_happen_to_mike_tysons_strip/
%
If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're.

Their, I finally said it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fskttg/if_you_re_bored_during_lock_down_try_finally/
%
A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks.

One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?”
“I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to tell you is a secret, so you mustn’t share this with anyone. Not a SOUL. Don’t tell your father, don’t tell the tortoise down the street, nobody. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” said the chick.
“Well, your brother, he’s adapted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fskrsg/a_mother_galapagos_finch_has_two_chicks/
%
What do you call two ants who have a baby together?

Pair ants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fskj9q/what_do_you_call_two_ants_who_have_a_baby_together/
%
I told my doctor I broke my arm in 2 places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjvbb/i_told_my_doctor_i_broke_my_arm_in_2_places/
%
Surprising horse

A couple from London, John, Sarah and their 6 year old son Jimmy, win £8 million on the lottery and they decide to fulfill their lifelong dream - to quit the rat race and buy a farm with animals in the countryside.
They eventually find the property of their dreams and make arrangements to buy it, along with with a wide array of farm animals. A few months later, when they are settled in, they decide to invite the local vicar and his wife around for Sunday lunch in an effort to get to know their neighbours.
Before the meal, John, Sarah, the vicar and his wife were sitting around the kitchen table talking, when the door suddenly flew open and in rushed Jimmy shouting "mum, dad, the bull is f**cking the cow!" John and Sarah were horrified and embarrassed that their guests should hear such coarse language. They both apologised profusely to the vicar and his wife and asked if lunch could be postponed to the following Sunday.
Meanwhile, John and Sarah took Jimmy to one side and said, "Jimmy, it would have been so much better if you had told us that the bull was 'surprising' the cow instead of using the word you did".
Next Sunday, just as before, the couple, as well as the vicar and his wife were sitting chatting before lunch, when again the door burst suddenly open and in rushed Jimmy breathlessly announcing "mum, dad, the bull is surprising all the cows", "He can't be surprising all the cows" said his mother, "He is mum" said Jimmy," He's f**cking the horse!".
(Not my joke; copypasta from elsewhere)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjuph/surprising_horse/
%
Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjsmb/yesterday_i_saw_an_ad_that_said_radio_for_sale_1/
%
Chinese medicine

The Brit expat couple had great jobs in Hong Kong, but after at time the man noted a problem.  His wife seemed less interested in having sex with him.  He went to see an ancient Chinese man, a practitioner of Confucian holistic medicine.
"So simple," the sage said.  "Rule of nine.  Make move nine times, then change.  Plant jade stalk in flowering lotus hard and fast, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9.  Then pause for count of nine.  Then do oh-so-slow for nine.  Than pause .  Then change position from on top to on side.  Same.  Than change from on side to like doggies.  Then same.  Keep up for 90 minutes. Do this, she go wild for you."
The Brit paid the sage, went home, and tried it.  As promised, his wife went wild.  At the end she rolled over, sweaty, limp, and half conscious, and asked her adoring husband "Herbert, that was fantastic.
How EVER did you learn to fuck like a Chinaman?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjq0t/chinese_medicine/
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Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjovg/momma_always_said_life_was_like_a_box_of/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjlzd/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/
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Don't Lie to Your Mom

**Could have been posted before**, however here it goes...
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote :
\----------------------
*Dear Mother:*
*I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.*
*Love, Kumar*
\----------------------
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which reads :
\----------------------
*Dear Son:*
*I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow.*
*Love, Mom.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsj1wr/dont_lie_to_your_mom/
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As of today, I am cancer free!!!

(I never had cancer, just wanted to announce I'm cancer free)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsicy4/as_of_today_i_am_cancer_free/
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Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel.

While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him:  "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.”
The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?”
The American diplomats reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that risk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsi8dd/donald_trump_goes_on_a_factfinding_visit_to_israel/
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What is the German term for food shortages?

Wurst Käse Scenario.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshsjb/what_is_the_german_term_for_food_shortages/
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What do you call a black man and a Chinese man stuck in traffic?

Rush hour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshr7m/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_and_a_chinese_man/
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Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crust
Herpilations 4:20

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshpl1/ashes_to_ashes_dust_to_dust/
%
The golden rule of having sex with twins

You can't come between them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshpat/the_golden_rule_of_having_sex_with_twins/
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Did you know the Canary Islands have no canaries? Same with the Virgin Islands.

No canaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshoxj/did_you_know_the_canary_islands_have_no_canaries/
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There are three types of people in this world

The people who can count
And the people who can’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsho8k/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
If you are looking for alphabet jokes,

the joke is on U.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshmaz/if_you_are_looking_for_alphabet_jokes/
%
do you know how they lined up the snobby prisoners?

they did it in con-descending order

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshl76/do_you_know_how_they_lined_up_the_snobby_prisoners/
%
Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac

They always take things literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshc1f/never_tell_a_pun_to_a_kleptomaniac/
%
The guilt from stealing and eating a whole peach is getting to me

It's like theres a pit in my stomach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshbyj/the_guilt_from_stealing_and_eating_a_whole_peach/
%
I hate people that say age is just a number

Age is clearly a word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsh92s/i_hate_people_that_say_age_is_just_a_number/
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The "teen" years of the 21st century didn’t end in 2019 like they were supposed to

Twenty-Thir TEEN
Twenty-Four TEEN
Twenty-Fif TEEN
Twenty-Six TEEN
Twenty-Seven TEEN
Twenty-Eight TEEN
Twenty-Nine TEEN
Quar-an TEEN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgype/the_teen_years_of_the_21st_century_didnt_end_in/
%
A child asked his dad," how are coins made".

The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press".
Then the child responded," That makes cents".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgvpf/a_child_asked_his_dad_how_are_coins_made/
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What’s a kiss after a blowjob?

Cash back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgviz/whats_a_kiss_after_a_blowjob/
%
Before Coronavirus I used to cough to cover a fart.

Now I fart to cover a cough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgj4a/before_coronavirus_i_used_to_cough_to_cover_a_fart/
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"Dad, why is my sister's name Rose?"

"Because your mom loves Roses."
"Thanks Dad."
"No problem, John."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgiqb/dad_why_is_my_sisters_name_rose/
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I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she'd ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were at least sevens or eights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgd7y/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_i_was_the_only_one_shed/
%
" I'm on tinder just to see how tinder actually works" , said a girl to me

I was like, yeah like i visit pornhub just to see whether the plumber was able to fix the pipe or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfzt0/im_on_tinder_just_to_see_how_tinder_actually/
%
April showers bring May flowers. What do Mayflowers bring?

Smallpox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfzi6/april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do/
%
My Wife is missing.

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Colour of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Audi
Sergeant:
What kind of Audi was it?
Husband: (sobbing)
Audi A6 Avant Black Edition,
Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Audi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfw10/my_wife_is_missing/
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Because of the lockdown, the people from the morgue didn’t come to prison today

So the death row inmates were left hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfne1/because_of_the_lockdown_the_people_from_the/
%
I just told my best mate how much i love Beyonce.

She said 'whatever floats your boat'. So I said no, that's buoyancy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfdlt/i_just_told_my_best_mate_how_much_i_love_beyonce/
%
a blind man walks into a restaurant

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.” A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.” Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.” The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfbke/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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You know, I don't get this Coronavirus...

Must be an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsf650/you_know_i_dont_get_this_coronavirus/
%
How do you know when its time for bed in Jeffrey Epstine house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsf3g4/how_do_you_know_when_its_time_for_bed_in_jeffrey/
%
i prefer decimals over fractions

fractions are just pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsezd1/i_prefer_decimals_over_fractions/
%
What do programmers eat for breakfast?

Nothing much, just a byte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fser8r/what_do_programmers_eat_for_breakfast/
%
How do you know if somebody is curious?

>!if they clicked this to find out how to know that somebody is curious!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsegbh/how_do_you_know_if_somebody_is_curious/
%
5 years ago, I went to an important job interview

At the end of the interview, he asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
"Probably sitting at home all day playing video games." I told him.
Needless to say, I did not get the job but hey, look where we are now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fse5fo/5_years_ago_i_went_to_an_important_job_interview/
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A teacher asked the class

of first graders for the ones which was idiots to stand up.
After a short while 1 of the students stood up, then the teacher asked him
"Do you think you're an idiot?"
the student then responded
"No, I just felt bad that you had to stand alone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fse1dv/a_teacher_asked_the_class/
%
Three prisoners are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian asks for pepperoni pizza, which he is served and then taken away.
The Frenchmen requests a filet mignon, which he is served and also taken away.
The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries.
The captors are surprised and reply: “Strawberries?”
“Yes, Strawberries.”
“But they are out of season!”
“I’ll wait.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsdx5q/three_prisoners_are_about_to_be_executed_they_are/
%
So there was this man who wanted to be a train conductor (Long)

So he works really hard at it and one day his dream came true. He was driving his train one day when he got distracted and he crashed killing one passenger. In his country the punishment for this is the electric chair. So they strap him up and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 1 banana. Well it was a strange request but they still honored it. After he ate his banana they turned the machine on they heard it zap but the conductor was still fine. It was weird but they just let it go. A year or 2 later he somehow managed to get his job back and was driving the train again and, what do you know he crashed. But this time he killed 2 passengers. Well the trial happened he was getting the electric chair again and they strap him up again and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 2 bananas this time. they thought that it was a really strange request but they still honored it. After he ate his bananas they turned the machine on they heard it zap but the conductor was still fine. It was weird but they just let it go. So about 5 years later he managed to get his job back yet again. He is driving again and crashed yet again. Trial happened again he was sentenced to death by the chair again. they strap him up and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 3 bananas. This time the executioner yells NO BANANAS THIS TIME and turns on the machine. And what do you know the conductor lived. The executioner asks the conductor, "how do you still live?" The conductor replies "I guess I am just a bad conductor".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsdldt/so_there_was_this_man_who_wanted_to_be_a_train/
%
What's the biggest difference between Communism and Capitalism?

Capitalism uses common sense
Communism uses common cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd9y3/whats_the_biggest_difference_between_communism/
%
British people are like: “I’m Bri ish”

...and here’s the t☕️

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd6pi/british_people_are_like_im_bri_ish/
%
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd4ba/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship_in_the/
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‌‌My g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌eft a‌‌ n‌‌ote o‌‌n t‌‌he f‌‌ridge d‌‌oor...

It said, "This is not working. I'm going to my mothers."
I opened the door.
The light came on.
The beer was cold.
Just what in the hell did she mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd2ua/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_door/
%
As a crowded airliner is about to take off

, the peace is shattered by a  5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No  matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him  down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around  him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly  man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking  forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised  hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and,  motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and  quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into  spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin  attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly,  "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my  pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that  they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscx9u/as_a_crowded_airliner_is_about_to_take_off/
%
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.

The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?”
The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscwvn/an_electron_is_driving_down_a_motorway_and_a/
%
R.Kelly has tested positive..

for SHEWASNT-19

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscup6/rkelly_has_tested_positive/
%
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.

The 1st nurse says "I can't let that go to waste." She rides him. The 2nd nurse does the same. The 3rd nurse hesitates and explains that she is on her period but rides him anyway. Then the man sits up and the nurses apologies saying they thought he was dead. The man replies "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I'm feeling great!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscf3m/three_nurses_working_in_a_morgue_discover_a_dead/
%
A frog goes into a bank

and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Thanks everyone. Hope you are coping through the Covid-19 challenge.  Good luck out there.
Edit 2:  Not RIP Inbox, but certainly the highest fever to date.  Exceeded 600 upvoted.  Thanks!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscewo/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
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I've just got back from Tesco...

I've just got back from Tesco and I've seen a guy buying four crates of San Miguel, five paella’s and three sombreros and I thought to myself...
...Hispanic buying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsc8jy/ive_just_got_back_from_tesco/
%
I was going to tell a gay joke...

But I couldn’t keep a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsc3qa/i_was_going_to_tell_a_gay_joke/
%
When COVID is over I’m going to go dancing with random people and insult them.

Social diss dancing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbp1t/when_covid_is_over_im_going_to_go_dancing_with/
%
Senior Sex

--
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbjv3/senior_sex/
%
A symptom of Covid-19 is losing your sense of taste

According to my wardrobe I've had it for years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbie7/a_symptom_of_covid19_is_losing_your_sense_of_taste/
%
There are two types of people in this world

Avoid both!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbca3/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...

All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbbmt/somebody_knocked_my_glasses_off_and_the_lenses/
%
Hi everyone just be careful out their

Please Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine no situation is too pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsb7ov/hi_everyone_just_be_careful_out_their/
%
Hi, Im William and Im so grateful god gave me two eyes

Without them I'd be just Wllam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsauf0/hi_im_william_and_im_so_grateful_god_gave_me_two/
%
I wasn't sure if I should post this here, because it's only funny under certain circumstances

certain circumstances
funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsatfq/i_wasnt_sure_if_i_should_post_this_here_because/
%
The young couple next door are making sex videos during the lockdown

They just don't know it though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsarvn/the_young_couple_next_door_are_making_sex_videos/
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This social distancing is going too far.

I just went to make a cake and the first line on the packet said separate 2 eggs  🥚<-->🥚

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsahu5/this_social_distancing_is_going_too_far/
%
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?

They just went through a grueling 31 day March.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsaep3/why_is_everyone_so_tired_on_april_1st/
%
What is the worst combination of two sicknesses?

Diarrhea and Alzheimer. You’re running, but you don’t know where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsabwq/what_is_the_worst_combination_of_two_sicknesses/
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A man visits a Doctor

He says "doctor my maid has tested positive for corona virus"
Doctor says "ok she would now have to go in
isolation"
"But sir, I had kissed her"
"No problem, all make mistakes in youth. You are also going in isolation"
"But then I kissed my wife too"
"You crazy bitch, now I also have to go in isolation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsa43d/a_man_visits_a_doctor/
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My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."
She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"
To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsa3ur/my_wife_said_i_dreamed_they_were_auctioning_off/
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Jesus and Moses

were sitting up in heaven in the late 70s early 80s looking down on the beaches of California. Jesus says, “Damn Moses, I’m bored.” Moses says,”Me too. it looks like they are having a good time. Let’s go down.”
So they go down and are walking along the beach with their long hair and flowing robes and they just blend in.
Jesus says, “Damn Moses I don’t understand, the last time I was down here people would gather around and praise me.” Moses said, “I know me too. Watch this I’ll show them.”
He walks over, grabs a frisbee And throws it out in the ocean. Walk up to the water, raises his hands and parts the water. He walks out picks up the frisbee, walks back to shore and everyone says, “ Yeah Moses.”
Jesus says that’s pretty good Moses, but watch this.” He grabs the frisbee, throws it out in the ocean, takes off running across the water and just sinks.
Moses walks up to water, raises his hands, parts the water, pulls Jesus up on shore, and pumps the water out of him. Jesus wakes up looks at Moses and says,”I don’t understand Moses, the last time I was down here I used to do this all the time.”
Moses says, “SURE JUSES, BUT THAT’S BEFORE YOU HAD THE HOLES IN YOUR FEET.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsa1uq/jesus_and_moses/
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One of the students requested his teacher that he wanted to talk to him after class

Teacher: - "What do you want to talk about?"
Student: - "I think I'm intelligent enough and I should be in a higher class. Can you send me to a higher class?"
The teacher delivered her request to the school director, and the director conducted an interview to assess the student's ability.
Director: - "How much is 3 by 4?"
Student: - "12".
Director: - "Well, how much is 6 by 6?"
Student: - "36".
Director: - "Where is Japan's capital?"
Student: - "Tokyo"
The director questioned for about half an hour and the student made no mistake in answering once.
Then he said to Teacher that if you want to ask anything you can ask.
Teacher: - "Okay, so what is that thing that cows have four and I have two?"
(The director looked at Teacher with surprise).
Student: - "Legs!"
Teacher: - "Exactly, now tell me what's in your pants and not in my pants?"
(Director was shocked and embarrassed).
Student: - "pocket"
Teacher: - "Where do women have curly hair?"
(The director is shocked).
Student: - "In Africa"
Teacher: - "What is the soft thing that becomes hard in the hands of women?"
(The director's heartbeat stopped).
Student: - "Nail polish".
Teacher: - "What is between the legs of women and men?" (Director mumbles).
Student: - "Knees"
Teacher: - "Awesome! Now tell me what is it that a married woman has bigger than a virgin girl?"
(The director's body is dead).
Student: - "A Bed".
Teacher: - "What is the place in my body that causes the highest moisture on the planet?"
(The director looked up at the sky and started shouting to God).
Student: -"Mouth"
After hearing all this, the director said: I don’t deserve to be Director anymore, I am going back to Kindergarten

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9x9k/one_of_the_students_requested_his_teacher_that_he/
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They did a study comparing the brains of 17 people with depression and the brains of 18 healthy people

They discovered that on average, the depressed group had one brain less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9wog/they_did_a_study_comparing_the_brains_of_17/
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Technically we're all Jokers

Cause we're all getting fucked over by a bat man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9nju/technically_were_all_jokers/
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A once small tree house building business exploded into a giant nationwide company.

They have branches everywhere these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9m9n/a_once_small_tree_house_building_business/
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I've found something a thousand times better than Instagram

Instakilogram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9hha/ive_found_something_a_thousand_times_better_than/
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As soon as this Corona thing settles a bit

I'm just gonna stay home for a few days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9bht/as_soon_as_this_corona_thing_settles_a_bit/
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Parrot

It's a woman and it's her birthday, so she decides to go out and buy herself a parrot. She goes to a lot of stores, but she can't find one. Disappointed, she decides to go home. Finally, she sees a pet store where she hasn't been yet so she goes to see if she can find a parrot there. She goes to see the salesman and asks him if he has a parrot.
"No, sorry, I don't."
"But I see one at the back of your shop, it's got a bit of a strange face but well..."
"It's not for sale, it'll get you in trouble."
"I don't care, it's my birthday, I absolutely want one!"
"Well, OK, but he grew up in a brothel, so he's a bit vulgar."
So she buys the parrot and goes home. Then she gets ready to go out to celebrate her birthday with some friends and when she gets to the front door, the parrot starts talking.
"Hey bitch! You're gonna get fucked tonight, aren't you? Bitch..."
She doesn't pay attention to him and leaves. She comes home at 4am and the parrot says to her.
"So bitch? Did you get fucked good?"
She's tired, so she's going to bed. She wakes up the next day and goes to breakfast. There the parrot talks to her again.
"Hey bitch! You're walking funny today, you got fucked really good last night, didn't you? Fucking slut..."
She finally gets mad and goes back to the store where she bought the parrot. She asks the clerk if he has a solution to calm the parrot down.
"I might have something that could work. It's a special black paint, it'll shut him up."
So she goes home and as usual the parrot greets her.
"Hey bitch!"
She takes the paint and paints it black. Then he says nothing more. After a week without him saying anything she goes to him and says.
"Well, asshole? You don't talk now, do you?"
"When I'm in a tuxedo, I don't talk to bitches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8qca/parrot/
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KNOCK KNOCK

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Opportunity!
That is  	impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8psb/knock_knock/
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Engineers take a bow!

During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation offered its employees a huge reward to come up with diagnoses. To the surprise of the top engineers, old Jenkins the janitor meekly said he had an idea. Well, desperation breeds opportunities, so they asked him to explain. In reply he merely requested a power drill, and when supplied one he climbed onto the wings of the latest prototype and proceeded to make holes a few inches apart where the wings joined the fuselage. "Now, get your test pilot to fly the fighter", Jenkins advised. Sceptical, but curious, the engineers did. Lo! The jet fighter passed with flying (pun intended) colors. No more wing snapping. Amazed, the engineers surrounded Jenkins amidst all the celebration and asked him how he had hit upon such a clever solution that evaded all the engineering brains. Here is Jenkins' response.
"Ladies and gentlemen, even though I did not not have the benefit of university training like you, I am an observant chappie. You see, as janitor one of my duties is to change the toilet rolls in the loos when they run low.
Now, you know how toliet paper has rows of holes separating sheets?
Well, how often have you seen toilet paper actually tear along these holes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8ivz/engineers_take_a_bow/
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How do you grab the attention of a pervert?

An NSFW tag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8bp9/how_do_you_grab_the_attention_of_a_pervert/
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I feel famous

This entire subreddit is about me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs89b3/i_feel_famous/
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Why can't China play baseball?

Because they will eat the Bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs87gn/why_cant_china_play_baseball/
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Why every brit says "I'm brii iish"?

I thought they liked t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs81fr/why_every_brit_says_im_brii_iish/
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It was never my intention to be a porn star

Something just came over me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7zon/it_was_never_my_intention_to_be_a_porn_star/
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The Logician Husband

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7z2k/the_logician_husband/
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The titanic was a good cruise ship and all...

But it's luxury only scratched the tip of the iceberg
I don't need upvotes I need a thank you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7yv6/the_titanic_was_a_good_cruise_ship_and_all/
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2 smokers are out on a cruise on a boat.

They realise they are stuck in the middle of the sea without a lighter.
Smoker 1: What are we gonna do?
Smoker 2 proposes a solution, “I will throw one cigarette out of the boat into the water.”
Smoker 1 is confused, and smoker 2 tells him to observe. He throws a cigarette out into the sea.
The boat is now a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7yef/2_smokers_are_out_on_a_cruise_on_a_boat/
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Don’t die, there is so much to live for...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
He said "Why shouldn't I?".
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist church of the lord?"
He said, "Baptist church of god!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you reformed Baptist church of god?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god!"
I said, "Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7xp1/dont_die_there_is_so_much_to_live_for/
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African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies

There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its construction that was in keeping with the best of tradition - everything was made of grass and leaves.
One day, the chief was on his throne receiving some ambassadors when the trophy thrones above him proved to be too heavy and the straw paltform collapsed. The thrones fell on him, and sad to say, he joined his ancestors in the happy hunting grounds.
Which just goes to show that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7wgl/african_chief_whose_obsession_was_to_conquer/
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Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?

“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
“No, not a soul, actually.”
“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7w36/excuse_me_sir_have_you_seen_a_police_officer/
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There’s an unusual hospital

where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them.
For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word “Shorty” tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want anything to do with him.
Days go by and the poor man’s health doesn’t improve. So finally, this one nurse feels sorry for him and brings him home.
When she comes in the next morning, she is smiling and happy. The other nurses ask, “Why are you so happy? Weren’t you with the guy who has ‘Shorty’ tattooed on his penis?”
“Yes,” she says, “but when he became aroused, it said ‘Shorty’s Restaurant and Pizzeria.’”
“. . . established 1922.”
“. . . orders to take out.”
“. . . all baking done on premises.”
“. . . ask about our party platters.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7i67/theres_an_unusual_hospital/
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Why are there no cats on Mars?

Because Curiosity killed the cat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6xqt/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
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How to make your wife scream

Three men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The Indian man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with coconut oil, we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.  They asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the curtains ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6x6n/how_to_make_your_wife_scream/
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I have dedicated my entire life to knowing 96% of the alphabet

I really don't know why though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6x17/i_have_dedicated_my_entire_life_to_knowing_96_of/
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The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.

But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6sdy/the_u2_spy_plane_took_many_pictures_during_its/
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In my opinion, claustrophobics are the most creative.

They always think out of the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6lpe/in_my_opinion_claustrophobics_are_the_most/
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Whats the meaning of ignorance, and apathy?

I don't know, and i dont care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6eqx/whats_the_meaning_of_ignorance_and_apathy/
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A family were having dinner...

All of a sudden, the 5yo daughter says:
"grandpa is going to die"
Nobody takes her seriously, and they go to bed. In the middle of the night, the hospital calls to tell the father that his own father died. Strange coincidence.
The next day, the family is having dinner again, and this time, the little girl says:
"Grandma is going to die"
Surely enough, in the middle of the night, the phone rings to announce the passing of the mother of the father.
The dad is getting nervous, and when he hears his daughter say:
"My father is going to die"
He shits himself and spends the night writing goodbyes to his family and friends and hugging his wife for his final moments.
Then the phone rings.
The dad picks it up and asks what is wrong:
"Your brother died"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5w2t/a_family_were_having_dinner/
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I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5rpk/i_saw_my_ex_girlfriend_standing_across_the_museum/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5q3b/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus.

After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them.  The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. The wife was upset as he had embarrassed her- everyone was looking at her now.
“Why would you do that!?”, the wife asked.
“They announced on the news this morning the symptoms for corona virus. One of them is having no sense of taste. Just look at that guy!” Proclaimed the husband.
“What are you...” the wife began to say when she noticed the guy in question was wearing crocs. She gasped and ran out of the store as fast as her legs could take her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5kid/a_husband_and_wife_went_out_shopping_for/
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I Bought A Terrible Thesaurus

It was terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5kdg/i_bought_a_terrible_thesaurus/
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This quarantine thing isn’t working out.

My wife and I have become so close that I almost told her about my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5f72/this_quarantine_thing_isnt_working_out/
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I have Backstreet Boys stuck in my head.

Tell me whyeie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs59y3/i_have_backstreet_boys_stuck_in_my_head/
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Two interesting facts about me

Fact No 1 - My penis is exactly the length of 2 Ikea pencils.
Fact No 2 - I am now banned from Ikea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5078/two_interesting_facts_about_me/
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My ex has the body of a 19 y/o. Wanna see it? :-)

It's in the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4u5g/my_ex_has_the_body_of_a_19_yo_wanna_see_it/
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I used to tell dad jokes

He laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4sl1/i_used_to_tell_dad_jokes/
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This actually happened...

My son farted several times in a row this morning and said "wow! I'm really pootin' "... I said "well what are you going to do about the Russian economy?"... he didn't get it, but at least I was amused...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4qs5/this_actually_happened/
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An Englishman a Scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar

. They all order a pint of liquor and the Englishman notices a vase full of gold coins in the corner of the bar, he asks what its for and the bar keeper says that they can have it if they complete 3 tasks
1. Down a bottle of vodka
2. Pull out a thorn in a lions foot
3. Bang a 100 year old lady
The Englishman passes out after drinking 1/3 of the vodka. The Scotsman downs the vodka and stumbles to the room with the lion and runs out missing a hand. The Irishman downs the vodka and stumbles to the room with the lion and stays for 10 minutes. The Irishman emerges from the room covered in blood and scratches and he asks "now where's that old lady with a thorn in her foot".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4qiz/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk/
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Three old women sat smoking in a park

As the day went on it grew darker and eventually it began to rain. The first two ladies pulled out condoms, cut the tips off and rolled them over their cigarettes and continue to smoke. The third lady was amazed at this product that allowed her friends to smoke in the rain. “What are those and where can I get some?” She inquired. “Just go to the pharmacy and ask for some condoms.”  They replied. A few days later the third lady finds her way to the pharmacy. “Excuse me, can I have some condoms please?” She askes the pharmacist. “Of course,” he replies. “Do you know what size you need?” The lady thinks for a moment then replies, “big enough for a camel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4q9h/three_old_women_sat_smoking_in_a_park/
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Wanna know the weird thing about dead babies?

They’re still born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4o1s/wanna_know_the_weird_thing_about_dead_babies/
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So the avatar was gone for 100 years and he came back

That's what I call a Boomer Aang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4nmn/so_the_avatar_was_gone_for_100_years_and_he_came/
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Godwin's law

states that someone will always correct you on the internet. It also says that the people who correct you will likely be corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4gcr/godwins_law/
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Seen my goat?

Two guys were walking through a field when they came across a big hole in the ground. One said how deep do you think this hole is? The other guy says don’t know, let’s throw a rock down there then listen to see how long it takes to hit bottom. So they threw a rock in and never heard it hit.... we need a bigger rock to hear it so they found a big rock ..... still nothing. Looking around they found a railroad tie and said surely we will here that hit bottom so they both struggled and heaved into the hole, while waiting to hear it hit bottom this goat came running up right in between them and jumped into the hole.  They were freaking out when a man walked up and asked, have you seen a goat around here? They were like yeah one just ran up and jumped down that hole. The man said no that couldn’t be mine ....  I had mine tied to a railroad tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4dxn/seen_my_goat/
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Do you know why they wear pants in England but kilts in Scotland?

It's because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.... But goats don't hear so good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4ap4/do_you_know_why_they_wear_pants_in_england_but/
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If being Russian means my b's are v's,

Then Soviet
^(not a repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs41qz/if_being_russian_means_my_bs_are_vs/
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Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs40hk/never_criticize_someone_until_youve_walked_a_mile/
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Yo mamma so fat

Thanos had to clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs3ucv/yo_mamma_so_fat/
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An old proverb

Benny gets engaged to a woman and her father tells him he wants to talk to him.
"What do you want?" Benny asks.
"Well, I wanted you to know that you can't shave until you get  married or you'll be turned into a vase."
Benny thinks it's a little weird, but he wants to honor what his future father-in-law believes in. As time goes on though he thinks about shaving so he'll look nice for his wedding, but he doesn't. Finally, the day of the wedding comes and he decides he HAS to shave. He does and he gets turned into a vase.
Do you know the moral?
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs3mgy/an_old_proverb/
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It is near the end of the school year.

The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs3avv/it_is_near_the_end_of_the_school_year/
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How do you weigh a millennial?

In Instagrams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs34pb/how_do_you_weigh_a_millennial/
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This Fall, I’m finally going to fulfill my lifelong dream of visiting San Francisco and seeing The Golden Gate in person.

My wife said, “What will you do when you finally see it?”
Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs34fx/this_fall_im_finally_going_to_fulfill_my_lifelong/
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A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags.

He asked “What are you doing?” She says “I’ve had it with this life! I’m going to Vegas and let men have their way with me for $1000 a night!”
Man says “Ok! I’m coming with you!”
“Why?”
“I want to see how you live on $2000 a year!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs2kwe/a_man_comes_home_from_work_to_find_his_wife/
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How can you tell which one is a blonde waitress?

She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering where she put her pencil.
Source: Heard it ages ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs2icq/how_can_you_tell_which_one_is_a_blonde_waitress/
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NSFW What’s the difference between a blond guy and a blonde girl?

The blonde girl has a higher sperm count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs2er4/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_blond_guy_and/
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Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.

Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs22ku/bill_clinton_and_the_pope_both_died_on_the_same/
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What do you call a dog that is barking at Reddit?

A subwoofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs218t/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_is_barking_at_reddit/
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Hey, my name is Mike. Or as the ladies call me...

Hey you over there in the bushes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs1ycg/hey_my_name_is_mike_or_as_the_ladies_call_me/
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Man, social distancing sucks.

WHO thought this was a good idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs1w3p/man_social_distancing_sucks/
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When wearing a bikini, women reveal 92% of their body.

Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs1oql/when_wearing_a_bikini_women_reveal_92_of_their/
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It's not that I don't know how to juggle

I just don't have the balls to do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs12zt/its_not_that_i_dont_know_how_to_juggle/
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I don’t trust streets with lots of trees on them.

They seem shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0vmd/i_dont_trust_streets_with_lots_of_trees_on_them/
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Growing up I wanted to famous for painting prisoners...

But my mother told me I couldn't; she said there's no good money in becoming a con artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0szd/growing_up_i_wanted_to_famous_for_painting/
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Why do orphans have iPhone Xs

Because it has no home button

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0r8s/why_do_orphans_have_iphone_xs/
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I just watched a guy purchase a piñata, some paella and a sombrero at the supermarket.

I thought to myself... Hispanic buying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0n5v/i_just_watched_a_guy_purchase_a_piñata_some/
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My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

**Wife:** whatever means necessary.
**Me:** No it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0mlp/my_wife_is_fed_up_of_my_constant_dad_jokes_so_i/
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My favorite Clean Joke

A small-town parish priest realizes that he is getting too old to ring the bell in the tower and advertises for a bell ringer. A few days later there's a knock at the door and the priest answers only to discover a  man standing there with no arms. "Can I help you?" the priest asks, to which the man replies that he is there to apply for the job. "I don't want to be insensitive", the priest exclaims, "but I don't see how you can fulfil the requirements of the job?". The man pleads with the priest to give him a chance and the priest decides to acquiesce only to convince him that it's a waste of time. When they get to the top of the tower the priest points to the large bell and says "Well there it is!", but before he can finish the sentence the man starts running straight at it and strikes it face first. The shocked priest shouts "No!! What are you doing?", but again the man runs the length of the bell tower headfirst into the bell, which is starting to sway back and forth. the priest yells "Stop, please, no more" but the guy is already running full speed at the bell and again strikes it headfirst. By now the bell is really rocking back and forth and starting to ring. The priest pleads with the man who is now bruised and bloodied, "For the Love of God, no more", but his pleas fall on deaf ears as the guy sprints across the tower at the swinging bell. Unfortunately, he mistimes it misses the bell entirely and flies off the edge of the bell tower. The priest screams and rushes down the stairs to help the guy. When he gets to the bottom he sees a crowd of people gathered around and pushes his way thru to the bruised and battered body. Someone says "Father do you know this man?", and the priest answers"No, but his face rings a bell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0mfl/my_favorite_clean_joke/
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I wonder how this whole coronavirus thing has affected Wuhan china cymbal sales.

I think the market has crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0h9s/i_wonder_how_this_whole_coronavirus_thing_has/
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How did Rowan Atkinson introduce himself when he performed in Spain?

Soy Bean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0ddk/how_did_rowan_atkinson_introduce_himself_when_he/
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People always say don’t bring a knife to a gun fight..

I don’t know, I always thought the person with the knife has the edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs005o/people_always_say_dont_bring_a_knife_to_a_gun/
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I gently slid her panties to the left...

So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzs38/i_gently_slid_her_panties_to_the_left/
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What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

they both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzptb/what_does_the_starship_enterprise_toilet_paper/
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How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzi5w/how_are_women_like_swimming_pools/
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What do women and grenades have in common?

Take the ring off and the house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzgqz/what_do_women_and_grenades_have_in_common/
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An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year.

iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!!
Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag?
iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzgex/an_android_phone_and_an_iphone_meet_after_a_year/
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Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves

today was the tip of the iceberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzgay/ran_out_of_toilet_paper_so_had_to_start_using/
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Doctor: Your dad is not with us anymore.

Me: Oh No. Oh My God.
Doctor: He is at a different hospital.
Me: Oh, Thank God.
Doctor: But he is dead though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frz8g3/doctor_your_dad_is_not_with_us_anymore/
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A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...

...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.
-1:0 I am winning, - says the man.
Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.
-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.
Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side.
-Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frz60z/a_man_and_a_woman_were_in_bed_getting_ready_to/
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Does anyone know?

If we can shower yet, or just keep washing our hands?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frz0ce/does_anyone_know/
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A black man walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

The bartender says oh thats cool, where did you get him?
Then the parrot responds and says africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fryu0v/a_black_man_walked_into_a_bar_with_a_parrot_on/
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Is it better to write on a full stomach or an empty one?

It is better to write on paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frynhp/is_it_better_to_write_on_a_full_stomach_or_an/
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Yesterday I found bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil in my house

Now it's just Olive Oil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fryfh1/yesterday_i_found_bottle_of_extra_virgin_olive/
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My wife stopped me on the way out the door with my viola case in hand.

Wife: Where do you think you're going?
Me: I got a gig.
Wife: A gig? I thought all your gigs got cancelled?
Me: I got a new one.
Wife: Who hires a violist when we're all quarantined?
Me: The health department. They want me to walk down the street playing  my viola to get everyone to run inside and shut their windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frxzdv/my_wife_stopped_me_on_the_way_out_the_door_with/
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Finding Jesus

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes,I am ."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and Asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for A little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the Water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frxfqr/finding_jesus/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong sock today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frxem5/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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My yoga teacher said that downward dog will take one to a place of spiritual revelation.

That's a big stretch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx8dp/my_yoga_teacher_said_that_downward_dog_will_take/
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Good ole little Johnny was sitting in class

The teacher drew a line with three birds on it up on the blackboard.
"Ok, class, there are three birds on a wire, if one of the birds falls off, how many birds are left?"
As she erases one of the birds on the blackboard, little Susie in the front row raises her hand and answers, "There are two birds left."
"Very good Susie, that's right, there are two birds left." Susie smiles.
Little Johnny is watching this from the back of the class, clearly bothered. "No, no, no..." he says as he raises his hand.
With sigh of resignation, the teacher asks, "Ok, Johnny, what is it?"
Johnny begins, "Well, for starters, birds don't fall off of wires..."
"Ok..." the teacher starts when Johnny forges ahead.
"If it fell off, then it was probably shot, and if it was shot then the other birds would have flown away."
"So the correct answer is zero birds." he finishes.
The teacher replies, "Well Johnny, that makes a lot of sense, I like the way you think!"
Johnny continues, "Ok, now I've got one for you: there are three women in an ice cream parlor. One is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream, and one has the whole cone shoved in her mouth!"
With a sly look, Johnny asks, "How can you tell which one is married?"
With an even louder sigh than the first, the teacher responds, "I don't know Johnny... the one with the cone shoved in her mouth?"
Johnny smiles and replies, "No. The one with a ring on her finger... but I like the way *you* think!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx6l3/good_ole_little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class/
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Who is the leader of international public health?

Yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx6iz/who_is_the_leader_of_international_public_health/
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What is another word for necrophiliacs

Ghost Buster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx33l/what_is_another_word_for_necrophiliacs/
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What do you call a boner at a funeral?

A mourning wood
(I am not sorry if this has been posted before)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frwqzz/what_do_you_call_a_boner_at_a_funeral/
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My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...........

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your Proof!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frwmiw/my_neighbour_owes_me_500_and_he_wont_pay_up/
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I was trying to make up a joke social- distancing...

But this was as close as I could get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frw3d6/i_was_trying_to_make_up_a_joke_social_distancing/
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Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

I don't know man, depends on what you ordered first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frw0pv/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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A Russian and an American get into an Argument

A Russian and an American get into an argument about who has more rights, the  American says he got alot more rights, and tells the Russian that he can go to the White House and talk shit about the president and no one will do anything to him
The Russian replies with the fact that he can too, without any consequences, can walk up to the Red Square and talk shit about the american president

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvvdu/a_russian_and_an_american_get_into_an_argument/
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Two plus sized woman walk into a bar

At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!"
Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!"
The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvqc8/two_plus_sized_woman_walk_into_a_bar/
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I was at the bank and this young woman in front of me was depositing a massive bag of dollar bills. The teller asked "Did you hoard all these dollars by yourself?"

"No", she replied, "My sister whored half of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvoac/i_was_at_the_bank_and_this_young_woman_in_front/
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A 12 year old boy comes home early from the playground

and to his surprise when he enters his house, he hears loud moaning voices coming from his parent's room, in a confused state he quickly hides in his room. His father also comes home early, and the boyfriend of his mother comes running down and hides in the kids room as well.
Kid: It's really dark in here.
Boyfriend: Yes it is.
Kid: You know, I never liked baseball much, I would love to sell off my stuff and make some good money out of it.
Boyfriend: what has that got to do with me?
Kid: Okay, then I think I gotta go talk to my dad about some serious stuff.
Boyfriend: Wait! Okay tell me how much do you want for your stuff.
Kid: Just take my bat for 200$ and I will keep my mouth shut.
Boyfriend hands over the money to the kid and leaves safely after the husband goes out for grocery shopping.
3 days after the incident, the kid decides to high in the wardrobe of his parent's room only to confirm whether this was a one time thing or not.
He hears the boyfriend coming up with his mother again and right in front of him they start going at it. Bad luck strikes again as the husband arrives home early, the boyfriend goes and hides in the wardrobe.
Kid: It's really dark in here.
Boyfriend: Yes it is.
Kid: You know, I never liked baseball much, I would love to sell off my stuff and make some good money out of it.
Boyfriend: Alright what will I have to buy this time?
Kid: The remaining equipment for just a 1000 bucks, and I swear I have nothing to sell anymore.
Boyfriend flips out and speaks lightly: you crazy that's too much money for a kid and blackmailing is a really bad thing to do.
Kid: So is sleeping with a married woman. well, if you don't want to go ahead me and my father got some talking to do, so excuse me.
Boyfriend agrees again, pays the money and leaves safely after the husband goes to the washroom.
next Sunday, the father calls his son and asks to play some ball with him, caught in a predicament the kid confesses to selling of his equipment for massive amount of money. His father says to him that he has to seek forgiveness and learn to be a disciplined and better person, so he shall take him to Church to mend his ways.
The next day around 4:30 in the morning, his father takes him to the dimly lit Church and as they go near the first row of seats,
Kid say: It's really dark in here.
Priest : Okay, wtf you promised you had nothing to sell anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvjem/a_12_year_old_boy_comes_home_early_from_the/
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A man goes to the doctor for his annual physical.

The doctor tells him “Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
“What for?!” Exclaims the man, confused and upset with the news.
The doctor, very annoyed with his patient replies “Because I’m trying to give you a physical.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvbbz/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_his_annual_physical/
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Whats the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frv0e2/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
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A man doesn't walk into a bar... no.... no you wouldn't get it

It's an inn joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fruttp/a_man_doesnt_walk_into_a_bar_no_no_you_wouldnt/
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Yesterday, I met a prostitute with a 150 IQ.

She was a fucking genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fruqae/yesterday_i_met_a_prostitute_with_a_150_iq/
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Why was Hitler grumpy at breakfast?

Because he didn't like the juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frupha/why_was_hitler_grumpy_at_breakfast/
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A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fru4w1/a_13_year_old_boy_has_difficulty_with_mathematics/
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Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19

. She called the number and her own phone rang.
Husband is now in isolation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtqiu/wife_was_checking_her_husbands_phone_and_saw_a/
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A joke my cousin told me when we were 8

There was a man in a job interview. The CEO of the company asks:
-Where do you used to work at?
-Oh, I was a monster hunter.
-But monsters don't exist!
-You're welcome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtp14/a_joke_my_cousin_told_me_when_we_were_8/
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A Buddhist monk leaves his monastery after 10 years

His fellow monks beg him not to leave, but he firmly tells them that he is leaving to begin spreading his new form of Buddhism. After a few months, the leader of the monastery happens to bump into him, and tries to convince him to come back. The monk, again, firmly says that he has already begun spreading his new form of Buddhism. He calls it Nao Buddhism, and he already has dozens of followers.
"But your old form of Buddhism is followed by far far more! What was wrong with that form?”
The monk replies, "well, that was Zen, and this is Nao"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtf4s/a_buddhist_monk_leaves_his_monastery_after_10/
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Bored from the quarantine I started browsing Craigslist

I found a radio on sale for 99¢, the only catch was that the volume knob was stuck on the highest level.
I thought to myself “can’t turn that down!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtd3y/bored_from_the_quarantine_i_started_browsing/
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Elephant junk

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, Mom, down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question. The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis." "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtbob/elephant_junk/
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What is secret agent's favorite dinosaur?

A pte>!REDACTED!<yl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frt5wp/what_is_secret_agents_favorite_dinosaur/
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How do you know when your hooker is dead?

When you plug it in and she doesn't charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsqjz/how_do_you_know_when_your_hooker_is_dead/
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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high alert for the criminal. The police didn't know who this criminal was, but they had a few clues: he spoke spanish, a language not well known throughout the city, and he also had a knack for disguises and false identities, which meant he could be anyone, and the police has not been stopping to figure out who he is.
"But, fortunately, we managed to get his identity, and we caught the damn bastard last night!" the police interrogator exclaimed in the interrogation room, infront of the criminal. "*Un*fortunately, he's already managed to steal the money, and has hidden it somewhere safe, and I want him to tell me where that is. Except I don't speak spanish, and nor does anyone in this damn building, so that's why we need YOU, the translator," he points to the other man in the room, "to get him to tell us where he hid it. Let's start."
The interrogator spoke first. "Ask him, where does he keep the money?"
The translator asked the criminal, and he spoke back in unfamiliar words. "He says he will not tell," said the translator.
The interrogator said, "Tell him to speak up, or we will put him to death sentence for his crimes."
The translator spoke accordingly, and the criminal seemed so visibly frightened by this, that he immediately told him its location. "By the old graveyard, under the second tree from the entrance! There's the money bags!" he said in Spanish.
Trying to keep a grin, the translator decievingly told the interrogator that "he would rather die, than tell you where he has hidden it." Then the interrogator knew.
Suddenly, both the interrogator and the 'criminal' took a handgun out and pointed it at the translator. The interrogator said, in perfect spanish, "Skilled robber my ass, all it took was a clever lie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsog2/a_skilled_anonymous_criminal_was_infamously/
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Little Johnny gets under the teachers skirt.

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsk0y/little_johnny_gets_under_the_teachers_skirt/
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I first met my now-wife during an internship in a superglue factory, we were involved in a spill accident.

It was a real bonding experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsas1/i_first_met_my_nowwife_during_an_internship_in_a/
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What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frs44t/what_is_whitney_houstons_favourite_type_of/
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I got fired from the calendar factory.

They were really strict about employee taking a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrn2c/i_got_fired_from_the_calendar_factory/
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(real-life joke) My 5-year-old daughter and I were playing with her dolls...

Having a great time cooking a great meal in imagination-land (toy room) when things got real.
Daughter - "Hey Dad, Let's throw the old food in the field to feed the animals."
Me - "Good idea, that would be nice so they get some food too."
Daughter - *throws a few pieces of fake food halfway across the toy room*
Me - "Wow good throw, you threw that pretty far back in the field, nice job"
Daughter - "Yeah, I still didn't throw them as far back as your hairlines"
*WTF...*
Someone has been coaching here on that punchline, and I think it's my wife. Hope you all have a good laugh at my expense, have a good day.
P.S. It still hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrmsf/reallife_joke_my_5yearold_daughter_and_i_were/
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King jong-un tested positive for virus

He killed everyone else to prevent the spread
He is a man of social commitment you know!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrj6m/king_jongun_tested_positive_for_virus/
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One day a bear has announced in the woods that every animal has to bring him meat tomorrow

And if any don't bring it he'll whip their back with his dick.
So the next day every animal in the woods lines up in front of bear's cave and leaves him a piece of meat, but the rabbit as he is weak and can't hunt he left him a carrot.
The bear angrily grabbed the little bunny, pinned him to the ground, pulled out his quite large member and started beating his back with it.
The rabbit screamed, cried, squealed... And then started laughing.
The bear asked "What's so funny?"
and the rabbit replied "I just saw the hedgehog bringing you an apple!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrij7/one_day_a_bear_has_announced_in_the_woods_that/
%
In America, anyone can become President.

That's the problem.
*^lovingly ^stolen ^from ^George ^Carlin.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frra1j/in_america_anyone_can_become_president/
%
A bear walks into a bar...

A bear walks into a bar, says I'll have a gin and...
...
...
...
...
tonic.
Bartender says "Sure, but why the huge pause?"
"These?" The bear says. "I was born with'em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frr7ef/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An computer inventor starts talking to his friend.

“I’ve almost made a human-like robot!” He says.
“You mean it can think?” His friend replies.
“No, but when it fails, it puts the blame on the back of another computer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frr285/an_computer_inventor_starts_talking_to_his_friend/
%
This ones from my late grandma.

How do you make a hormone?
Forget to pay her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqxsk/this_ones_from_my_late_grandma/
%
I have this awful affliction where I can’t stop telling airport jokes

I think it’s terminal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqt21/i_have_this_awful_affliction_where_i_cant_stop/
%
‌‌I p‌‌roposed t‌‌o m‌‌y e‌‌x-wife t‌‌oday

She s‌‌aid n‌‌o, s‌‌he t‌‌hinks I‌‌'m j‌‌ust a‌‌fter m‌‌y m‌‌oney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqrf9/i_proposed_to_my_exwife_today/
%
A little boy goes to his dad and asks:

'Dad, what's Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room
and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqny2/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks/
%
A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went hiking.

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.
They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.
The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”
The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”
The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”
The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.
The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”
The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”
The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqjmf/a_rabbi_a_hindu_priest_and_a_politician_went/
%
A young woman gets her first job at the Tickle-me Elmo factory.

The boss takes her up to the office that overlooks the assembly line and tells her what her job is. Then he sends her down. About an hour later the line leader comes up to the office and says, “Boss you gotta get this new girl off my line. She’s killing production.”
The boss looks down out of his office and sees the girl. The line is backed up terribly. Every time a tickle-me Elmo gets to her she takes a leather pouch and places 2 marbles in it and attempts to sew it between the Elmo’s legs.
The boss laughs and tells the line leader to bring the girl up. When the girl gets there she starts frantically apologizing and saying she’ll try harder. The boss stops her and says “I think you misunderstood me. I told you when an Elmo gets to you on the line to pick it up and give it 2 test tickles.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqazl/a_young_woman_gets_her_first_job_at_the_tickleme/
%
You can't breathe through your nose when you're smiling

Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frq0nk/you_cant_breathe_through_your_nose_when_youre/
%
A police officer stopped a car for speeding

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’
The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’
The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’
The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’
The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’
The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up?
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’
The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpue7/a_police_officer_stopped_a_car_for_speeding/
%
What did the nurse say when she pulled rectal thermometer out of her pocket?

“Which one of you assholes took my pen?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpqk0/what_did_the_nurse_say_when_she_pulled_rectal/
%
A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpp8s/a_young_teenage_girl_was_making_a_living_as_a/
%
Light travels faster than sound

. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpnjq/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
My girlfriend keeps saying that a small dick is nothing to worry about

I still wish she hadn't got one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frp5hj/my_girlfriend_keeps_saying_that_a_small_dick_is/
%
Possibly the funniest clean joke of all time.

This guy owns a circus, see? And one day he's in there, checking out the big top, and this scrawny little guy walks in the door. He walks over to the boss, and he says "Are you the boss here?"
Guy says "Yeah. What do you want?"
He says "I'd like to join the circus. I got an act."
The guy says "Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is."
So this little guy goes over to the center pole, and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top.
And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath, and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms.
And he starts flying! And he flies all around
the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes.
Then he gets all the way up, and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground, flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And he says "Well, what do ya think?"
The boss says "That's all you do? Bird imitations?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frovm2/possibly_the_funniest_clean_joke_of_all_time/
%
Third time is the charm.

A grocery store opened early for senior citizens. A long, orderly line began to form. Suddenly a young man tried to cut in line and was subsequently beaten by an old woman with a cane and chased back to his car. A few minutes later the young man tried it again only this time he was punched in the stomach by an old man and he ran away. The third time the young man walked up and yelled, "If you old people don't let me unlock the door, none of us are getting in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frogkc/third_time_is_the_charm/
%
Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

because you should ***never turn your back on family.***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/froaar/why_is_reverse_cowgirl_illegal_in_alabama/
%
A boob, a vagina, and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.

Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.
Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now it's your turn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro9nb/a_boob_a_vagina_and_an_asshole_are_debating_as_to/
%
I Just read a book on Stockholm syndrome

I didn't like it at first, but towards the end I loved it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro9m7/i_just_read_a_book_on_stockholm_syndrome/
%
Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown?

He had no common scents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro72w/why_did_the_exotic_perfume_salesman_continue/
%
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro28s/i_took_my_8year_old_girl_to_the_office_with_me_on/
%
Little known fact: Jesus was a street sweeper.

Yeah, Jesus swept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frnxiw/little_known_fact_jesus_was_a_street_sweeper/
%
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.

The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frnqjk/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_buddhist_monk_walk_into_a/
%
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frng0n/a_man_enters_a_barbershop_for_a_shave_while_the/
%
Two men are touring through a game park when they eventually come across a lion that has not eaten for many days

The lion starts hunting the two men. The men sprint as fast as they can until of them starts to tire and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He turns to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Overjoyed to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads toward the lion. As he nears closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frn6kl/two_men_are_touring_through_a_game_park_when_they/
%
What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in?

Degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frn17a/what_unit_does_a_graduated_cylinder_measure_in/
%
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times New Ramen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmw51/youve_heard_of_alphabet_soup_now_get_ready_for/
%
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmryu/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_my_very_first_day/
%
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on Viagra?

I heard they couldn't close the casket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmrbd/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_overdosed_on_viagra/
%
People are taking "Stay at home" quite seriously

My dad who went out to buy cigarettes 20 years ago, just came back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmm66/people_are_taking_stay_at_home_quite_seriously/
%
I told my family a Coronavirus joke...

...my grandparents were the only ones who got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmkfb/i_told_my_family_a_coronavirus_joke/
%
There are 5 flies in a kitchen. Which one is the cowboy?

It's the one on the range.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmjsd/there_are_5_flies_in_a_kitchen_which_one_is_the/
%
I gave my wife a dart and a world map, told her "Throw the dart! We will vacation there once the pandemic ends!"...

Turns out we are going to be spending time in the hospital.
Also my cock hurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmjfd/i_gave_my_wife_a_dart_and_a_world_map_told_her/
%
If God’s first couple were Chinese...

If God’s first couple were Chinese we would still be in paradise and not committed the first sin.
They would have eaten the snake and ignored the apple....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmidy/if_gods_first_couple_were_chinese/
%
A billionaire wants to go on vacation somewhere off the beaten path.

So he consults with his travel agency and eventually decides to go to the Shetland islands. He excitedly packs his bags, ready for some rich adventure.
However, he soon finds himself shacked up in a log cabin with no electricity or plumbing, and its raining non-stop. After three days of eating rations and trying to keep the fire going, he finally hears a ***THUD THUD THUD***  at the door.
He opens the door to find a 6'7" Shetlander standing on his porch.
"Can I help you?"
"Aye boyo. Yer that American in town."
"Yes, I'm on vacation, and honestly you're the first living soul I've seen since I got here!"
"Well boyo, we're havin a Shetland party. You comin?"
"Sure! What's a Shetland party?"
"All ya need ta know is there'll be a lot o' drinkin, a lot o' fightin, and a lot o' makin love."
"Hey sounds great, count me in! What should I wear?"
"Don't matter much boyo, its only gonna be you and me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm7uf/a_billionaire_wants_to_go_on_vacation_somewhere/
%
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door.
“Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” she says.
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm5ox/a_girl_asks_her_boyfriend_to_come_over_friday/
%
What type of tea does queen elizabeth love to drink?

Immortali-Tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm5dp/what_type_of_tea_does_queen_elizabeth_love_to/
%
So drunk he can't stand up

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
---------
**EDIT** - Read the sidebar if you don't like the joke! Glad I could make most of you have a laugh :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm4it/so_drunk_he_cant_stand_up/
%
Why will space be a popular tourist spot?

The view is breathtaking and will leave you speechless
Only science geeks will understand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm2nl/why_will_space_be_a_popular_tourist_spot/
%
What did O and P said to Q and R?

zip your pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm2bk/what_did_o_and_p_said_to_q_and_r/
%
I saw a wonderful lady on the opposite side of the road to me earlier. I said hi from a safe distance.

It was lovely 2 metre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm0ap/i_saw_a_wonderful_lady_on_the_opposite_side_of/
%
I was kidnapped by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlzff/i_was_kidnapped_by_mimes/
%
Paintball is a very violent sport

It involves a lot of dyeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frly0a/paintball_is_a_very_violent_sport/
%
I made a belt out of watches once

It was a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlwry/i_made_a_belt_out_of_watches_once/
%
2 Germans in a bar in London:

\- 2 Martinis, please.
\- Dry?
\- NEIN! ZWEI!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlt97/2_germans_in_a_bar_in_london/
%
Crap

A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father  invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.
Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart and didn't know what to do, however, since the dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and feign innocence.
"Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!"
The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let it rip, assured that Rover would once again be blamed.
Sure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and said more sharply, "Rover! I said get off the couch!"
Happily, the young man decided that he could fart whenever the urge arose and he let yet another one fly.
Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF THAT COUCH BEFORE HE CRAPS ON YOU!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlm0y/crap/
%
Do you know about the World Health Organization?

Me : WHO?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frllq5/do_you_know_about_the_world_health_organization/
%
Hello Darkness, my old friend...

OWW!! Fucking coffee table! God Dammit!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frli86/hello_darkness_my_old_friend/
%
Two construction workers were eating lunch on a bench on the side of the road...

As they were eating lunch, they notice a very attractive woman walking on the other side of the road. The two workers start to cat call her until she stops and looks at them.
Once she looks at them, they make the notion for her flash them by pulling up on their shirts. The woman looks around and hesitantly pulls up her shirt and waves at them.
The two workers are getting all excited and see if they can take it further. They start yelling across the street for her to completely strip for them. Once again, she looks around and hesitantly gets completely naked on the side of the road and blows them a kiss!
At this point, the two workers are jumping up and down and giving each other high fives. All of a sudden, the female looks at them and yells, “Your Turn!”
The two construction workers are getting nervous and one turns to the other and says, “Show her ur nuts, show her ur nuts!!”
So the worker nods his head and starts flailing his arms and yelling “Lahanalahailaoalhiao”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlhz2/two_construction_workers_were_eating_lunch_on_a/
%
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlhl2/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
A guy is sitting in the doctor’s office, when the doctor walks in..

“I have some bad news, you’re gonna have to stop jerking off” said the doctor. “I don’t understand doc, why?” Asked the patient. “Because I’m trying to continue the prostate exam!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frle3t/a_guy_is_sitting_in_the_doctors_office_when_the/
%
My dick was in the Guinness book of World Records

Until the librarian saw me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frldu1/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
Apparently one of the side effects of coronavirus is no taste...

Thoughts go out to all the Nickelback fans out there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frl2t2/apparently_one_of_the_side_effects_of_coronavirus/
%
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had

He started to count but he fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frl1gg/i_asked_my_welsh_friend_how_many_sexual_partners/
%
You know your dad is drunk when

He stops turning the lights off in empty rooms
He leaves the front door unlocked past 4pm
The lines where he's mown the lawn look like a bowl of noodles
When his favorite hat falls and touches the ground, he acts like it was no big deal
When you ask for money he doesn't treat it like a cross examination at a war crimes tribunal
His dance moves suddenly triple in number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frkukv/you_know_your_dad_is_drunk_when/
%
Never ask a skunk for their opinion.

You might get their 2 scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frkaxp/never_ask_a_skunk_for_their_opinion/
%
I like my women how I like my coffee

with my dick in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frk4ok/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
I told my friend that the current prime minister of Canada is Donald Trump

It's not Tru, deau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frk40i/i_told_my_friend_that_the_current_prime_minister/
%
I was trying to make an unemployment joke

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjs1o/i_was_trying_to_make_an_unemployment_joke/
%
Why don't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjqxv/why_dont_orphans_play_baseball/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is quite heavy
The other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjosf/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
The wife's leaving me because of my sexual fetishes

I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjeyz/the_wifes_leaving_me_because_of_my_sexual_fetishes/
%
What is a kidnappers favorite shoe

White vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frj4uk/what_is_a_kidnappers_favorite_shoe/
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Lifesavers, get a hole lot more outta life

A teacher gave each of her students a packet of Lifesavers candy and had them all identify the flavours by colour.
Red = cherry
Yellow = lemon
Green = lime
Orange = orange
Finally, all the class were stuck on the last lifesaver flavour, the translucent Honey flavoured lifesaver.
The teacher said “I’ll give you a hint about the flavour. it’s something your Mother may sometimes call your Father”
After a few moments, one little girl spat her lifesaver out in disgust and yelled OH MY GOD THEY’RE ASSHOLES!!
The teacher had to leave the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frj3rq/lifesavers_get_a_hole_lot_more_outta_life/
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Guess who just woke up to 30 missed calls from their Ex

My Ex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frivnk/guess_who_just_woke_up_to_30_missed_calls_from/
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You’re about to drive with your mother and your wife. Who sits in the back?

You do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/friign/youre_about_to_drive_with_your_mother_and_your/
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With the new coronavirus outbreak Worldwide, the only people who can get closer than 6 feet to us are the police

So we have to tell them "Don't Stand So Close to Me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri9ca/with_the_new_coronavirus_outbreak_worldwide_the/
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A new inmate meets his cellmate and is asked, "Do you want to be momma... or do you want to be daddy?"

The new inmate was hesitant before nervously answering, "Daddy?"
His cellmate says, "Alright, well get over here and suck momma's dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri67b/a_new_inmate_meets_his_cellmate_and_is_asked_do/
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What do you call a 19 year old guy that likes to date old women?

Covid, cause he's 19 and takes older people to bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri5yn/what_do_you_call_a_19_year_old_guy_that_likes_to/
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Car accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri3yp/car_accident/
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Why can’t Chinese people play cricket?

Because they would eat the bat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri0gg/why_cant_chinese_people_play_cricket/
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I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it.

I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhtl7/i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_just_by_looking_at_it/
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My friend who lives in Michigan just had his toilet stolen.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhskn/my_friend_who_lives_in_michigan_just_had_his/
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Hear about the blonde who froze to death at the Drive-in movie?

She went to see "Closed For The Winter".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhjpj/hear_about_the_blonde_who_froze_to_death_at_the/
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My girlfriend tried to cut off my penis but missed

She'll be charged with a missed da Weiner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhbq4/my_girlfriend_tried_to_cut_off_my_penis_but_missed/
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What was the rallying cry of the trio of rotting leaves?

d'three of us matter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhait/what_was_the_rallying_cry_of_the_trio_of_rotting/
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What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off

Oh no I’ve been defeeted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frh9tx/what_did_the_villain_say_when_he_got_his_legs/
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With all the bars closed, how horribly ironic is it that Joe Diffie died?

We can't even prop him up beside the juke box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frh88h/with_all_the_bars_closed_how_horribly_ironic_is/
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The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frh3j9/the_lead_singer_of_disturbed_has_decided_hes_not/
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Essential retail workers still have to deal with stuck-up shoppers who just won't stay home.

They're in karentine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgqu3/essential_retail_workers_still_have_to_deal_with/
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What kind of make up should you wear during a pandemic?

Mask-ara

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgjy9/what_kind_of_make_up_should_you_wear_during_a/
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This is a translated joke form my country (Ethiopia)

Two mental patients were walking when they spotted an odd thing on their path and they started arguing about what it was. Patient one said "It looks like honey" but patient two argued "No this is definitely poo" so they argued for quite sometime until they figured out a solution, one of them would taste it and settle this once an for all so they flipped a coin and patient one (who argued it was honey) got on his knees to taste this odd thing so he stuck out his tongue and licked it and to his shock found out this was not honey and it was indeed shit he then looked up to patient one with relief and said "Good thing we didn't step on it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgje0/this_is_a_translated_joke_form_my_country_ethiopia/
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My dad really cares about me

He has been practicing social distancing for 20 years now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgiv9/my_dad_really_cares_about_me/
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I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”

He responded, “can’t complain.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgc9j/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_whats_it_like_to/
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Mom, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes we arson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgbj8/mom_are_we_pyromaniacs/
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What did the Australian teacher say to his talkative literature class

Excuse me everyone please stop Tolkien

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frg69k/what_did_the_australian_teacher_say_to_his/
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Did you here about the new movie coming out about the corona virus?

It’s directed by Tentin Quarantino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frg4z6/did_you_here_about_the_new_movie_coming_out_about/
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Someday the world will end...

Maybe not today,
Maybe not tomorrow,
Probably Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frg2k6/someday_the_world_will_end/
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Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines...

Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines.
Trump: "Our submarines are the best! They can stay under water for 4 months without the need to refuel!"
Putin: "Pah! That's nothing! Our submarines can stay under water for 1 year without the need to refuel!"
Just when Merkel wants to say something, bubbles suddenly start appearing in the water and a submarine appears. The hatch opens and a man appears, saying: "Heil Hitler! Where can I get some fuel?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frfyzz/trump_putin_and_merkel_were_standing_at_the_north/
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A recently divorced man...

A recently divorced man, feeling a bit down in the dumps, heads to his local bar. After about 15 minutes, a beautiful woman sits down next to him and strikes up a conversation. They’re getting along great, talking away, when the woman confides to him that her husband divorced her because he thought she was too kinky. The man brightens up and says “what a coincidence-my wife divorced ME because she thought I was too kinky”. Well, one thing leads to another and they decide to go to her place. They get there and she tells him “have a seat on the couch and I’ll slip into something more comfortable”. She goes into the bedroom and starts to change and pulls out all the stops: Bullet bra, bustier, high heels, riding crop, etc. As she comes back into the living room she sees the guy heading out the door. She says “hey-where are you going?” The guy says well…..I’ve already fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m outta here!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frfila/a_recently_divorced_man/
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three statisticians walk into a bar and the barman asks do you all want a beer?

the first says I don’t know.
the second says I don’t know.
the third says yes please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frficp/three_statisticians_walk_into_a_bar_and_the/
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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.”

The bartender says: “Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!” So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says: “I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye.”
Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says: “I just saw you walk in here, you can’t be blind!”
So, to the bartenders dismay, he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frf444/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_to_the_bartender/
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A man crossing London Bridge sees a pretty woman struggling to keep her mini skirt down in the wind so he says : A bit airy isn't it?

She replied: What the ell you expect feathers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/freusl/a_man_crossing_london_bridge_sees_a_pretty_woman/
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What Do You Call A Cheap Circumcision?

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
...A rip-off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/freu2b/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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My wife said she wanted me to have a threesome with her and another guy however she wanted me to get to know the other fellla first

It was a mandate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frehwl/my_wife_said_she_wanted_me_to_have_a_threesome/
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Chickens lay eggs, but who lays the chickens?

The rooster of course!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fregd3/chickens_lay_eggs_but_who_lays_the_chickens/
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What was the name of the pirate that loved pissing on people?

Aaaarghh Kelly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fre4tq/what_was_the_name_of_the_pirate_that_loved/
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I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him

That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fre49v/i_cant_take_my_dog_to_the_pond_for_exercise/
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A classic Canadian Joke.

A Mainlander is driving down the highway and runs over a rabbit. Wondering what noise was, he stops his car and gets out to look. While he's standing there a newfie pulls up and asks him what's going on.
The mainlander says, "I'm just here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your animals."
The newfie takes a look at the rabbit and says,
"No problem, by’s. Hang'er down a few."
The newfie then goes to his truck and gets an aerosol spray-can, which he proceeds to empty onto the rabbit. When he's done he chucks the empty and says, "There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay" then gets in his truck and takes off.
The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops another 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops another 10 feet, and finally disappears into the woods.
The Mainlander is blown away. Wondering what the newfie did, he grabs the can out of the ditch and reads the label, which says: "Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdqly/a_classic_canadian_joke/
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Going to the grocery store in 2020 be as risky as raw dogging in 1985

At least back then you got laid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdn8k/going_to_the_grocery_store_in_2020_be_as_risky_as/
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A german guy was peeing on a wall in public. A girl passed by.

Girl: Gross
German guy: Thanks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdfft/a_german_guy_was_peeing_on_a_wall_in_public_a/
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I don’t always go the extra mile...

But when I do, it’s because I missed my exit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdeo3/i_dont_always_go_the_extra_mile/
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A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."
The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.
Then another woman walks into the office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an Y-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.
"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Yale graduate, he insists on wearing his Yale shirt when we have sex."
The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.
Then another woman walks into the office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an W-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.
"Let me guess," said the doctor, "your dating a Washington graduate?" "No, she's a Michigan graduate."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd68x/a_woman_walks_into_a_doctors_office_and_takes_off/
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Area 51 Gaurds V.S. Wife

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret  base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” Well, late one afternoon, the  Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna  landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft  and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was  that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he  was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI  background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the  investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was  lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a  terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of  spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way  on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the  same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…  only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped  out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane  and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd5jg/area_51_gaurds_vs_wife/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesnt matter what you call him, he isn't coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd5ix/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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If a group of bunnies is called a fluffle, and a group of crows are considered a murder

Then a group of humans right now can be considered illegal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd4xq/if_a_group_of_bunnies_is_called_a_fluffle_and_a/
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The boredom of self isolation. Day (9)

Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it eventually gets sucked in?
If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me ...............Urgently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frczcm/the_boredom_of_self_isolation_day_9/
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What do you call Dracula when he doesn't know what to say next?

An Umpire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frcxxy/what_do_you_call_dracula_when_he_doesnt_know_what/
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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frcome/the_other_day_i_walked_in_on_my_grandmother/
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Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the
plane starts to move, the passengers are
uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it
Stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets
Smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing
towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the
plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second.
All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a
bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot
and says : "You know what? One day they're
going to scream too late, and we're all going to
die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frcgpd/two_blind_pilots_enter_a_plane/
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I told my boss I needed a raise, and that I had three companies after me.

“Three companies?!”
“Oh yeah.”
“All right, fine, here’s your raise. By the way, which three companies?”
“Gas, Water, and Electric.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frc1jf/i_told_my_boss_i_needed_a_raise_and_that_i_had/
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I lived in a flat with three girls

Until they found out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frc1fj/i_lived_in_a_flat_with_three_girls/
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My whole body is changing during lockdown

The button on my Jeans have started social distancing from each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbyam/my_whole_body_is_changing_during_lockdown/
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This cowboy walks into a German car showroom,

And he says "Audi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbx0r/this_cowboy_walks_into_a_german_car_showroom/
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How much fun can you have with communism?

Ours of fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbv8a/how_much_fun_can_you_have_with_communism/
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Why do rich people like golf?

It’s not very taxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbsht/why_do_rich_people_like_golf/
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What do you call a genetically engineered cow?

A Mootant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbp5l/what_do_you_call_a_genetically_engineered_cow/
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What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbkgo/whats_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
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Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head...

Seems like a no-brainer to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbjn4/everyone_is_debated_capital_punishment_nowadays/
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A Russian, an Ameican, and a British admiral...

...were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.
The Russian said “ I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says “ That gentleman is courage"
The American says that's nothing.He calls over a PO and says “ I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return" The PO salutes jumps of the bow swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says “ That gentleman is courage"
The British admiral says “ That's nothing. Sailor come here" The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says “You can fuck right off" The admiral turns to the other two and says “ And that gentleman is courage"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frb9ig/a_russian_an_ameican_and_a_british_admiral/
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Man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer

For good clean fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frb8tv/man_with_toilet_paper_seeks_woman_with_hand/
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I told a joke about Corona to my friends

nobody laughed but they all got it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frapq9/i_told_a_joke_about_corona_to_my_friends/
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I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before.

I think it has roomba-toid arthritis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frady9/i_noticed_my_vacuum_is_cleaning_less_of_the_house/
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My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan.   - Stanley G. Kapuscinski
To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fra3rr/my_father_passed_this_morning_in_his_honor_i/
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What do you call a woman who is feeling snuggly after sex?

a cab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9zxw/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_is_feeling_snuggly/
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What is the most powerful word in English?

Yawn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9y42/what_is_the_most_powerful_word_in_english/
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Did I tell you about my friend in Africa named Dwayne?

I haven’t seen him in a while.
I miss Dwayne... down in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9e39/did_i_tell_you_about_my_friend_in_africa_named/
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Never, ever ask a woman her age; a man his salary.

And an electron's position and momentum simultaneously, to Heisenberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9c3b/never_ever_ask_a_woman_her_age_a_man_his_salary/
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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...
"Really?, youll do anything id like?"
"yes" she said "anything!"
"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"
"ok..."
"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"
"wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly.
"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"
she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.
"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"
"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...
She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9bv5/a_shipwreck_only_scarlett_johansson_and_some/
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The pope's traffic stop

The pope is on tour in the United States. He's sitting in the back of the popemobile, and he says to himself, "You know, this is really getting to be a drag. Every day it's the same crowds, the same homily." Then a light bulb goes on. He says, "Driver, pull over. I'm going to drive for a while. You sit back here. Help yourself to the minibar."
So the pope is doing about 85, and sure enough, the blue lights flash. The state trooper says, "Your Holiness, do you know why I pulled you over?" And the pope says, "Man, I ain't gonna try and bullshit you. I was probably doing a bit over the limit back there."
So the trooper takes the pope's registration back to his cruiser and radios his sergeant. "I got a situation here," he says.
"What, did you pull the mayor over again? I thought I warned you about that," the sergeant says. "No," says the trooper. "It's worse than that."
"Well, what, did you pull the governor over?" says the sergeant. "No," says the trooper. "It's worse than that.
"Holy moley, did you pull the President over?" says the sergeant. "No ... worse than that."
"What could possibly be worse than pulling over the President?" the sergeant demands. And the trooper says, "Well, I don't know. But he's got the pope for his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9ajg/the_popes_traffic_stop/
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Jungle Drums

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"
The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."
As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"
Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr933d/jungle_drums/
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The year is 2050

, health technologies have developed faster than ever, brain transplant is now possible and almost every hospital can conduct such surgery.
A man consults his physician to change into a better brain. The physician lists the brains the hospital offers and their corresponding price:
"Here is the brain of a person with a bachelor's degree in chemistry; the price is $25,000."
"Here is the brain of a person with a master's degree in biomedical science; the price is $50,000."
"Here is the brain of a feminist; the price is $1,000,000."
The man is surprised by how much the brain of a feminist costs, so he asks, "Why does the feminist's brain cost so much, is it because a feminist is a lot smarter than a person with a master's degree in biomedical science?"
The physician answers, "Hell no! Do you know how many feminists do we have to kill to put together a complete brain?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr8ty1/the_year_is_2050/
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Feeling a little quirky

When I was younger the police asked me, "Can you describe to us the robber?"
I probably should have helped catch the guy, but I had a lot more fun seeing the look on that sketch artist's face as he slowly drew himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr8pqa/feeling_a_little_quirky/
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

**Me:** I use bad words
**Interviewer: *[laughing]*:** that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
**Me:** well that’s extrusively harbilary to hear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr88a6/interviewer_whats_your_greatest_weakness/
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Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.
Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.
Time passed on and people continued to die. Every Friday at 11 PM, exactly the same time, always in the same bed... Some doctors started believing something supernatural had been happening.
They decided to form an expert group to determine what on earth was going on.
So on the next Friday, few minutes before 11 PM, many specialists and medical experts gathered around "the haunted bed". They even called alternative medicine practitioners. *"Who knows, maybe they can help solve the mystery."*
Some of them had crucifixes and Bibles, holy water, some of them brought Kurans, one even brought a garlic. They, of course, had medical textbooks as well.
When clock marked 11th hour, Rasema entered the room. She was the new cleaning lady. She was surprised to see all the people but she went on with her job. She wanted to show how hard working she was! She unplugged one of the life supporting machines to plug in the vacuum cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr87zp/bosnian_xfiles/
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I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle

I bought a bottle of Vodka and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought it might fall off the bicycle and the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the vodka before I left the store.
It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr85fu/i_rode_to_the_liquor_store_yesterday_on_my_bicycle/
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[NSFW] Support Group

A guy went to his Premature Ejaculation Support Group meeting this morning.
Found out it’s tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr859g/nsfw_support_group/
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What is a thousand times better than Instagram?

Instakilogram
Your welcome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr835f/what_is_a_thousand_times_better_than_instagram/
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What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? –

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7xgm/whats_the_difference_between_bird_flu_and_swine/
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Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?

Doctor: They Are For You.!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7tx7/doctor_madam_your_husband_needs_rest_and_peace_so/
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I got in touch with my inner self today

That's the last time I'll buy 1-ply toilet paper at the dollar store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7ork/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
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My girlfriend once gave up sex for lent

I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7ejv/my_girlfriend_once_gave_up_sex_for_lent/
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Why do cows wear bells?

Cause their horns don’t work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7a3o/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
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I started having an affair with a married woman.

As an eligible bachelor, I started to have an affair with a married woman. We kept our activities discrete in order to avoid detection from her husband. We meet every Tuesday and Thursday in the evening because that’s when her husband is supposed to be out working.
Unfortunately, the husband came home early and caught the two of us in bed. The woman was absolutely terrified, and the husband was livid and looked ready to cause harm to the woman.
“What the hell are you doing here!?” he demanded to know.
“Please, the fault is all mine,” I explain, “I was the one that answered her ad in the newspaper.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr73tw/i_started_having_an_affair_with_a_married_woman/
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A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates

St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead - with an even uglier woman.
When he asks what’s going on, the Scotsman replies “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead.
This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman. They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women.
The Irishman replies “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself “Fucking income tax”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr6vlp/a_newly_deceased_englishman_stands_at_the_pearly/
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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion, so the kings decided to go to war.
The first kingdom is very wealthy, and has a grand army of thousands of Knights in shining armour with state of the art squires and weaponry, expertly trained killing machines.
The second kingdom is moderately well off, and has several hundred Knights in standard armour with enough squires to get by, but all willing in heart and mind.
The third kingdom is very poor, and has only one elderly Knight with his great grandson for a squire, in rusty centuries old armour.
On the eve before the battle, each kingdom decides to have a celebration for the great deeds that are about to be done.
The first kingdom has a great banquet that no words can give justice to, a massive, endless hall of food and delight, dancers and jesters and bards as plentiful as the fine wine and boar that accompanies them.
The second kingdom has not nearly as grand an occasion, but makes the most of what they have, making up for the lack of fine food and entertainment with enough ale to knock out an elephant.
The third kingdom has but scraps to make do with. In fact, so little food do they have that there is only enough for the Knight and boy squire alone to have a feast (a feast by their standards, at least). The elderly Knight is too weak and tired to get up, so the squire prepares the meal. He decides to cook a stew, so hangs a pot over a fire with a noose and cooks what they have into a small broth.
Finally, the great day dawns. The kings did not sleep through the night, and sent their generals to ready their armies. The world sat on tenterhooks.
However, fate had taken a strange turn. The armies from the first and second kingdoms had drunk so much in their revels that not one remained conscious, much to the fury of their leaders. And in the third kingdom, the elderly Knight's back had perished due to old age. The kings were left speechless. There was only one option.
The squires must go to war.
So on the battlefield, a hundred thousand squires in tunics too big for them and wooden swords trampled the ground beneath them as they came to the edge. One gigantic behemoth of an army met the other small but willing force at the peak of the lake.
And the squire of the third kingdom faced them all.
The battle began. Heads were clubbed in, backs broken, knees twisted, hair pulled, and slowly the numbers remaining dwindled. As the hours swept by and the body piles grew high, the kings and their people watched in the greatest suspense the lake ever knew.
And as the sun set, and the dust cleared, finally, a single figure stood atop the mountain of bodies beneath him, victorious. The squire of the third kingdom had won.
This goes to show that the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is greater than the sum of the squires of the other two sides of the triangle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr6klk/three_kingdoms_border_a_lake_in_the_shape_of_an/
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The Clever Old Man

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond,as he hadn't been there for a while,and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some food.
As he neared the pond,he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him"we are not coming out untill you leave!"
The old man frowned,"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."Holding up the bucket he said," I'm here to feed the alligator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr688o/the_clever_old_man/
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They name a virus after a beer, and what do we do?

Whine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5va2/they_name_a_virus_after_a_beer_and_what_do_we_do/
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What's the difference between a well-dressed person on a unicycle or a poorly-dressed person on a bicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5uop/whats_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_person/
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Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5p3g/why_was_han_solo_so_suspicious_when_he_put_his/
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What’s the difference between a Taliban camp and a Pakistani school?

I don’t actually know I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5m7e/whats_the_difference_between_a_taliban_camp_and_a/
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I like my women like I like my pandemics. [nsfw]

19 and spread wide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5j0z/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_pandemics_nsfw/
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RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5fws/retired_husband_after_i_retired_my_wife_insisted/
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First day on the job.

Fresh out of journalism school, the rookie journalist bounds up to the editor hungry for a story to go after.
The editor says I'll give you an easy one for your first day. Go out into the community and bring me back a feel good human interest story. We need a bit of cheering up!
The reporter head out into the community and comes across a farmer at the the side of the road mending a fence.
Hello good sir! I'm a reporter looking for a story.
I was wondering if you could tell me a story that made you happy?
Well young man, one time, the farmer down the road lost a sheep. We got a posse, went out, found it, fucked it and brought it back.
What! I can't print that! Your talking bestiality here! The reporter exclaimed!
Do you have any other stories?
Well young man, one time, the farmer down the road lost his wife. We got a posse, went out, found  her fu...WAY! WAH! HOLD ON  WHAAAT?!! Hold on there if that's going where I think, I definitely can't print that says the reporter.
Exasperated the reporter finally asks, do you have any sad stories by any chance?
The old man stares thoughtfully for a bit and then replies;
One time, I got lost....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr587y/first_day_on_the_job/
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My gf was mad at me the other day for having no sense of direction

So i packed my stuff and right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr53wo/my_gf_was_mad_at_me_the_other_day_for_having_no/
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What do you call a frenchmen wearing sandals?

Phillipe pheloppe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr537h/what_do_you_call_a_frenchmen_wearing_sandals/
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Donald Trump is having a meeting with his health advisors about the COVID-19 outbreak...

The lead advisor tells him "Mr president, more international people are testing positive in the United States every day. Today alone, 50 Brazilian people have confirmed cases."
"Oh my god, that's awful!", Trump replies, ".....how many is a brazillion?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr50w6/donald_trump_is_having_a_meeting_with_his_health/
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What do you call a girl wearing camouflage?

Heidi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4q9m/what_do_you_call_a_girl_wearing_camouflage/
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My first sexual experience was scary...

I was all alone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4q10/my_first_sexual_experience_was_scary/
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Just saw a sheep fight a cow

Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4f7j/just_saw_a_sheep_fight_a_cow/
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Why did star wars 4-6 come before 1-3

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4e54/why_did_star_wars_46_come_before_13/
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Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed ten Communists...

...and then the grenade went off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr49n0/chuck_norris_once_threw_a_grenade_and_killed_ten/
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I just did something that took a lot of balls.

I used them as a Newton's cradle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr47j7/i_just_did_something_that_took_a_lot_of_balls/
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I walked into a pet store and asked for six bees

The cashier counted out seven and handed them to me.
I asked 'why the extra bee?'
She said it was free-bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr41sb/i_walked_into_a_pet_store_and_asked_for_six_bees/
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Most people have Homochromia, where their eyes are the same colour. I've got Heterochromia, and my eyes are different colours. So basically, God made me and said:

"You've got the most gorgeous eyes! No homo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr3wr5/most_people_have_homochromia_where_their_eyes_are/
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I just asked my wife to put a nurses outfit on

She said why? Are you feeling horny?
I said no, we need bread and milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr3p1w/i_just_asked_my_wife_to_put_a_nurses_outfit_on/
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Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr3cwr/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_who_stole_a/
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So, three men, Jack, Bill, and Josh, go on a trip to a jungle...

They came across a tribe, and got trapped and taken in by them.
The tribesmen bring the three of them to their leader. Their leader tells them, "I want each of you to find me ten fruits-- any fruit, as long as it's the same kind. If you can do that, I will set you free. Do you accept?"
Of course, they all do. They set off.
Jack was the first to come back. He had oranges. He showed it to the leader, and the leader nodded.
"Now," the leader said, "I want you to put all of those up your ass-- and if you make a face, any face, we will behead you. If you can do so without making a face, we will let you go."
Jack did so. The first one was okay, he didn't make any face, but when he got to the second one, he winced, and the tribesmen beheaded him.
Jack watched Bill enter the room with the leader from the afterlife. Bill walked in with berries, and the leader told him the same thing. He did so, making it to nine, when suddenly, he burst out laughing. And of course, the tribesmen beheaded him.
In the afterlife, Jack shouted to Bill, who was still laughing, "what the hell, dude? You could've made it! Why'd you start laughing."
And in tears, Bill replied, "I saw Josh walk in with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr39ac/so_three_men_jack_bill_and_josh_go_on_a_trip_to_a/
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So I started dating my high school girlfriend again.

It just felt right now that I've come out as gay, and she has transitioned into a guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2or8/so_i_started_dating_my_high_school_girlfriend/
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It's hard to establish when this novel Coronavirus will be over.

We'd have preferred a short story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2me3/its_hard_to_establish_when_this_novel_coronavirus/
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Excerpts from the diary of pets

**Excerpts from the diary of a dog:**
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
**Excerpts from the diary of a cat:**
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2lv0/excerpts_from_the_diary_of_pets/
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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.
The news Broke out.
Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.
The Americans, also impressed ordered the robot. Under 3 hours after its deployment in NYC the robot caught nearly 100 thieves.
The Indians, already facing massive complaints of thievery and muggings, decided to give it a try.
After deploying the robot in Mumbai under 30 minutes the robot got stolen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2hpr/the_japanese_invented_a_thief_catching_robot/
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Three men arive at the gates of heaven

There they meet the gate keeper who informs the that heaven has been getting a little full recently and that he is only alowed to open the gates for people who have died terrible deaths and that he would need to hear their story.
The first man steps forward and says: i came home early from work today and found my wife naked in bed she told me that she was waiting for me to come home but i didnt belive her i checked all the regular spots the closet behind the door but i couldnt find him. so i went out on the balcony to get some fresh air because this had been a stressfull day but as soon as i open the door i saw that motherfucker habging on the outside of the fence so obviusly i started hitting his hands but he wouldnt let go so i went innside and got a hammer i continued to hit him with that and eventualy he let go but he landed in a bush and survived so i went back inn draged the fridge out on the balcony and tiped it over the edge after that i died of a heart attack because of all the stress.
The gatekeeper agrees that this was a pretty horibke way to die and lets the first man in to heaven then he asks the second man how he died. The second man answers:
So every day i do some workout on my balcony but today i fell over the edge and started falling but i was fortunate enough to grab onto the balcony below mine so naturaly i started climbing up to try not to fall the remaining 17 floors but before i even start to climb a man comes out on the balcony and sees me hanging there he gets realy angry and starts hiting my hands but i managed to hold on then the madman walks inside and gets a hammer when he started  hiting my fingers with that i couldnt hold on anymore so i fell but landed in a bush and survived but the the lunetic went inside and got his fridge witch he dropt on me and i died
The gatekeeper agreed that this was a terrible way to die so he let him in to heaven. He askes the third guy how he died and the third guy answers
so imagine this: your totaly naked inside a fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2hli/three_men_arive_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
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“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.”

“Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2gl8/mom_dont_get_alarmed_but_im_at_the_hospital/
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You shouldn't drink water while studying.

It decreases concentration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2gc8/you_shouldnt_drink_water_while_studying/
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What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

They both lose efficiency as soon as you start opening windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2f08/what_does_an_air_conditioner_have_in_common_with/
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One guy, "Have you been on a trip recently?"

Another guy, "Yes, three in fact. Last month I fell over a sidewalk while really high in Barcelona."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr295o/one_guy_have_you_been_on_a_trip_recently/
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Why does Santa not have kids

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr28qx/why_does_santa_not_have_kids/
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Why can’t people in Antarctica get the corona virus?

Because they’re ice-olated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1xej/why_cant_people_in_antarctica_get_the_corona_virus/
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I’m stuck in quarantine all alone with a deck of cards.

I guess you could say I’m in solitaire confinement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1thj/im_stuck_in_quarantine_all_alone_with_a_deck_of/
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Does anyone know any good tree puns?

I'm pining fir a new one, but they're not that poplar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1fdv/does_anyone_know_any_good_tree_puns/
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have you read the book "A long way from the bathroom"

By Willie Maykit
Co-authored by Betty Wont
Illustrated by Andy Didnt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1266/have_you_read_the_book_a_long_way_from_the/
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What do you call a group of dogs having sex?

A Corgy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0hvv/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_dogs_having_sex/
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How do you make a couple of pounds of fat look better?

Add nipples on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0fry/how_do_you_make_a_couple_of_pounds_of_fat_look/
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I’m not sure to be honest, but the flag is a big plus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0etp/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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My dad must be taking this social distancing thing really seriously

I haven't seen him in 20 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0crq/my_dad_must_be_taking_this_social_distancing/
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It's sweet getting stoned in a swamp:

I call it a marsh mellow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0am1/its_sweet_getting_stoned_in_a_swamp/
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What time is it when you see sixteen dogs running down the street?

Fifteen after one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0ai2/what_time_is_it_when_you_see_sixteen_dogs_running/
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The Corona Virus is like my virginity

My uncle has it.
(I know its not that funny but its 12:53 and it just popped into my head.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr06dm/the_corona_virus_is_like_my_virginity/
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Why do 80% of Chinese people get cataracts?

Because the other 20% drive Rincoln’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr05pe/why_do_80_of_chinese_people_get_cataracts/
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People are selling off their automobiles in droves...

They don’t want to catch that car owner virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzv8n/people_are_selling_off_their_automobiles_in_droves/
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What do you call a musician who carries grain for living?

Hall n' oates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzs8q/what_do_you_call_a_musician_who_carries_grain_for/
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City slicker buys an old farm

There was a gentlemen from the city who decided he wanted to live a simpler life. He buys an old empty farm. Going to the local general store by his new homestead, he asks where he can get some animals. The owner tells him to go to Old Man Murphy’s farm down the road a ways and he will get him all set up with a few animals. Excited the man heads over to the farm. Upon meeting, Old Man Murphy says to the gentleman I can definitely tell you’re a city slicker- Don’t worry, in time you’ll settle in and be just like one of us. The gentleman than asks well, how about that little hen over there. Maybe I can purchase it from you. Surely that would be a great animal to start with. Old Man Murphy says sure, I’ll sell you that one. But, just so you know young hens are actually called pullets. The gentleman sees a donkey off to the side and says well, that looks like a great animal to have at my new farm they are actually called an ass, right? How about I buy him from you. Old Man Murphy says now you’re starting to sound like a farmer. Yes, I’ll sell him to you but, he’s kind of stubborn. Sometimes he just lays down and won’t move. If you scratch on his back a bit he will get right back up and moving. Lastly, the gentleman says well no farm would be complete without a rooster. How about that one right there. Old Man Murphy says sure but, just so you know a rooster is actually called a cock. The gentlemen says oh yeah that makes sense. He thanks Old Man Murphy and starts the walk back to his own farm holding the birds and leading the donkey. About halfway back to his farm the donkey lays down in the middle of the road when suddenly a shiny red sports car pulls up with a beautiful woman driving. A little aggravated that she can’t pass by because of the animal blocking her way. She scoffs at the gentleman. He looks at her and said I’ll get him out of the way in just minute ma’am but, I need a favor to make that happen. She hesitantly says ok. The gentleman says.... will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzqvl/city_slicker_buys_an_old_farm/
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What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzonb/what_is_the_worst_combination_of_illnesses/
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My wife left me because I am insecure...

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzo60/my_wife_left_me_because_i_am_insecure/
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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on...

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqznfz/my_sister_asked_for_me_to_bring_her_something/
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I tell my wife, "I love you," but she keeps talking about this other man.

I don't know who this "Hugh Moore" is, but she always says she loves him instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzj79/i_tell_my_wife_i_love_you_but_she_keeps_talking/
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A kid talking to his dad.

Son:  Hey dad, I had my first blow job last weekend.
Dad: That’s my boy, how was it?
Son: it was pretty good but I do have a question.
Dad: What’s that?
Son: How do you get the taste out of your mouth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzgn9/a_kid_talking_to_his_dad/
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Helen Keller walked into a bar...

And a wall, and a chair, and a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzcik/helen_keller_walked_into_a_bar/
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Breaker, Breaker

There was once a family of three ,a Mom named Shirley,  a Dad named Rick, and a little Boy named Spencer. They owned a cat named Sprinkles.
It was a usual Tuesday morning, Rick went to work and Shirley was home with Spencer and Sprinkles. Per usual Shirley started her cleaning regiment, and per usual Spencer and Sprinkles were in her way. After countless times of foot prints on her perfectly clean floors, Shirley broke down and sent Spencer and Sprinkles outside to occupy themselves.
It was about forty-five minuets later, and Shirley was dusting the blinds. As she's dusting she's sees Spencer and Sprinkles sitting on the curb in front of the house. She thought 'How cute'. As she watched, she saw Spencer throw some M&M's in the air catch them in his mouth, pick up Sprinkles lift Sprinkles tail up, and lick, He then proceeded to scoot one foot down the curb. Shirley couldn't believe what she saw.. She proceeded to watch him do it again; throw the M&M's up,  catch them in his mouth, pick the cat up, lift its tail, lick, and scoot down the curb a foot.
Shirley being very appalled ran outside. She asked Spencer with a tone only a confused mother could have " What in the holy hell are you doing?!?!"
Spencer replied "Well, Mama Im playing trucker. Poppin Pills, licking pussy, and moving down the road".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzcfs/breaker_breaker/
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Ethel was visiting her friend Martha at her home for the first time.

Ethel exclaimed "You have such a beautiful home, Martha.  I especially like those 3 fancy vases on your mantle."
Martha replied "Those aren't vases, they're urns... this one is my first husband Bill, this one is my second husband Jim, and that one is my third husband Ted"
Ethel replied with a very whiny voice, "Uh, that's so unfair.  I've never been married and you have husbands to burn!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzc0v/ethel_was_visiting_her_friend_martha_at_her_home/
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[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug

A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed.
The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.”
The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqz6ax/nsfw_squeeze_and_tug/
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What’s the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
A drug dealer can’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqz03q/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
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Weight loss

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter. A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyya2/weight_loss/
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You either die a T. Rex

Or live long enough to become a chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqypz3/you_either_die_a_t_rex/
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When my mom say her girlfriend she's talking about her best friend.

When my dad says his girlfriend everyone at the dinner table gets quite and my mom runs off crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyjsk/when_my_mom_say_her_girlfriend_shes_talking_about/
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I was digging in my garden and i found buried treasure.

I thought to go tell my wife but then I remembered why I was digging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyied/i_was_digging_in_my_garden_and_i_found_buried/
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After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyfo3/after_the_covid19_pandemic_winds_down_we_should/
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Why can't pilots dress well?

Their clothes are too plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqye10/why_cant_pilots_dress_well/
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There are two types of people in the world.

1. those who can extrapolate from insufficient information.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqydrj/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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A man with no arms and legs was sun bathing on the beach.

A beautiful blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.
“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.
Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.
“Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?”
“No.” He says.
She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss.
Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past.
“Oh you poor thing...Have you ever been fucked?”
“No.”
“Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqydm4/a_man_with_no_arms_and_legs_was_sun_bathing_on/
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Two of my mom's sisters moved to the Alaskan wilderness

Now it's a double aunt tundra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyast/two_of_my_moms_sisters_moved_to_the_alaskan/
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I have a date with a girl who loves Nirvana. She asked me what to wear on our date next week.

I told her, "Come as you are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqy6ed/i_have_a_date_with_a_girl_who_loves_nirvana_she/
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Corona virus

It's like pasta.
Made by the Chinese.
Spread by the Italians.
Made unreasonably large by the Americans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqy1pt/corona_virus/
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What is a language that has never been spoken?

Sign Language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxyti/what_is_a_language_that_has_never_been_spoken/
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So there's a new strain of Coronavirus that effects Hipsters...

You probably haven't heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxqhh/so_theres_a_new_strain_of_coronavirus_that/
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The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right. The statistician shouts, "We got him!"

Netflix shouts to the statistician, "Your documentary is coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxil6/the_biologist_shoots_at_a_deer_and_misses_five/
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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."
So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."
Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."
"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."
"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."
So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."
"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."
"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."
Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."
"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."
"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."
So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."
Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxi1u/so_theres_this_farm_on_this_farm_theres_a_cow_a/
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Sherlock Holmes and Watson go Camping

They spend the day tracking small animals, fishing, and having a grand time by the shores of a remote lake, before cooking up their dinner and settling into their beds and drifting off to sleep.
Sometime after midnight, Holmes wakes up feeling insightful.
He wakes Watson up.
"Watson... as you look up into the night sky, what do you deduce?"
Watson rubs his bleary eyes, unsure what to make of Sherlocks sudden midnight curiosity. He rolls over and stares up into the sky, which was lit up with a million stars like diamonds on black velvet.
Watson responds. "Well Holmes, as I stare into the cosmos, I can see that we are on a spinning ball in an infathomable expanse of nothing. The vast emptiness of space and scale of the universe leaves me feeling incredibly tiny, and therefore I deduce that our lives are small and insignificant in the greater scheme of things."
Holmes ponders this deep and insightful response for a moment. Rarely is Watson so articulate with his feelings.
He turns to Watson, and with a sigh, he says.
"Watson you blithering idiot.... Somebody has stolen our tent"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxd5b/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_go_camping/
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Why can’t dislexic people tell jokes?

Cause they punch up the fuckline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqx14r/why_cant_dislexic_people_tell_jokes/
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What do sprinters eat before a race

Nothing they fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwxii/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/
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A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwvkt/a_british_doctor_says_in_britain_medicine_is_so/
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What do strippers call girls that they work with ?

A co-twerker..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwqhs/what_do_strippers_call_girls_that_they_work_with/
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With the coronavirus, Scorpion is now saying...

"Stay over there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwnui/with_the_coronavirus_scorpion_is_now_saying/
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My wife just got me a card that said “Get Better Soon”

I’m not sick at all. She just thinks I need to get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqw768/my_wife_just_got_me_a_card_that_said_get_better/
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I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqw3lj/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
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A man walks into a bar

carrying a large chunk of concrete.
He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqvswb/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Someone toilet papered my house last night

Now it’s worth $875,000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqvhhz/someone_toilet_papered_my_house_last_night/
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Two blondes are in a dog park

One blonde says to her friend, "Awww. Look at that poor little dog with one eye!"
The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqv9uw/two_blondes_are_in_a_dog_park/
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Revenge of the blonde

A blonde got fed up with blonde jokes
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N," she answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqv5br/revenge_of_the_blonde/
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What's green on top, mostly orange, and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqv4fp/whats_green_on_top_mostly_orange_and_sounds_like/
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A proud father

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fquyy5/a_proud_father/
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Two best friends make a deal.

The one of them who die first will visit the second one to tell him about the afterworld. And one day a few years later friend 1 died.
When friend 2 found out, he stayed up late every following night, remembering the promise. And finally on the midnight of the third night a weak voice is heard.
"Bro, do you hear me?"
"Yes, I hear you." answer the man. "Are you in the afterlife? How is it like?"
"It's not bad. We start the day with light breakfast - vegetables. Then I have sex several hours straight. After this it comes a little lunch - veggies again, and then sex until the nightfall."
"And this is Heaven, or Hell?"
"Bro, I'm a rabbit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqunhq/two_best_friends_make_a_deal/
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The boss caught an employee drinking at work.

He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!".
The employee replied: -"But I'm not working".
They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqufj0/the_boss_caught_an_employee_drinking_at_work/
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Being Muslim is tough

Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqubje/being_muslim_is_tough/
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Donald Trump is having afternoon tea with the Queen of England.

“Queenie” he says “from now on, I want to be called Emperor Donald J Trump.”
“Well, you can’t be an emperor Donald, I’m sorry” replies the Queen
“Well, there was this French guy - Napoleon - great guy, I think my Uncle knew him, very smart, and he was an emperor” replies the Don
The Queen has a sip of tea to suppress a giggle, before saying “Well that’s because he ruled an Empire”
“Ok, so he was an Emperor because he had an Empire?” Don asks slowly
“Yes”
“Ok, well I don’t have an empire yet...” replies Donald “so how about I am called a King?”
“Well Donald, you don’t have a Kingdom, so I can’t call you a King..”
At this point the Don is getting frustrated. “Queenie, this is ridiculous, if I don’t have an empire, and can’t be an emperor, and I don’t have a kingdom, and can’t be called a king, then what can I be called?”
The Queen pauses for a moment, take a look at Philip and then replies “Well, Donald, you are in charge of a country...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqtp0y/donald_trump_is_having_afternoon_tea_with_the/
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Why does the mineature jalepeño need to wear a sweater?

Because it's a little chilly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqtnmq/why_does_the_mineature_jalepeño_need_to_wear_a/
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Why don’t the Chinese play cricket?

>!Because they would eat the bat!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqtb1w/why_dont_the_chinese_play_cricket/
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My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy

I just don't see it myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqt3g8/my_wife_claims_a_man_in_camouflage_is_sexy/
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Has anyone watched “The Platform” on netflix....?

I couldn’t finish it to be honest, it was disturbing on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqst8e/has_anyone_watched_the_platform_on_netflix/
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Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night?

Because she's an on-call-ogist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqspyd/why_does_my_cancer_doctor_let_me_phone_her_any/
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My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.

Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqsavs/my_son_luke_loves_that_we_named_our_children/
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Why can’t a blind Mexican say yes?

Because he can’t sí.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqsaig/why_cant_a_blind_mexican_say_yes/
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So I walked past a wired fence today

Somebody from behind shouted: "Be careful, it might be electrified! If you touch it, you will get the shock of a lifetime!"
I looked the person dead in the eye and without hesitation, I grabbed the fence to prove them wrong
My mother, who was walking next me then told me I was adopted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqs68n/so_i_walked_past_a_wired_fence_today/
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What's the least spoken language?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqs5qm/whats_the_least_spoken_language/
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Wife and husband talk about life if she died

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving," he says, "I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I guess so."
"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand-new. It's going to last a long time. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrxeh/wife_and_husband_talk_about_life_if_she_died/
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I used to be addicted to soap.

But I'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrxb2/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.

"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrxaj/batman_walks_into_a_room_which_alfred_is_ìn_late/
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At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing with herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy.
When he became tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"You were great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrp8s/at_the_movie_theater_a_man_noticed_a_young_woman/
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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrim9/us_president_donald_trump_tested_and_was_not/
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A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.
He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."
After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have it removed."
"What? I can't just let it be chopped off like that!" Unsatisfied with the doctor's response, the man left the hospital.
Later that week, the man decided to go to a traditional doctor who specialized in natural and herbal remedies. Hopefully they had some better solutions.
The man took off his pants once again. The traditional doctor smiled and said, "Don't worry, you don't need to have it cut off.  Hospitals just want to perform surgery every chance they get. Let me give you a prescription for some herbal medicine."
The man let out a big sign of relief. The doctor continued, "Apply these herbs to your nether regions 3 times a day for a week. It should fall off on its own."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqricv/a_man_contracted_a_rare_std/
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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."

So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.
The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...
One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed:
"That smells like shit."
The lady replied:
"It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrhz5/a_little_old_lady_went_to_buy_cat_food_she_picked/
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I got COVID-19 and it took 10 days for my immune system to finally fight it off.

Longest anything made in China's lasted for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqr85f/i_got_covid19_and_it_took_10_days_for_my_immune/
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I would tell you a Coronavirus joke

But it would take 2 weeks to find out if you get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqr2pb/i_would_tell_you_a_coronavirus_joke/
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Did you hear Lightning McQueen died?

He had a Cadillac arrest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqr29z/did_you_hear_lightning_mcqueen_died/
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My sister had really loud shoes that sounded like a horse, so some family members started calling her that. I could see this was upsetting her.

"Guys, we have have to settle this," I said.
"If you think Jessica's a normal girl, say 'Aye,' but if you don't, say 'Neigh.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqzus/my_sister_had_really_loud_shoes_that_sounded_like/
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I just found out I'm colorblind.

The diagnosis was completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqrx1/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/
%
Two lesbian vampires have sex.

After the deed, one was leaving and said 'see you next month'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqgq3/two_lesbian_vampires_have_sex/
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plot twist

a little girl was praying when her dad walked in. she said “good night grandma good night mom good night dad good bye grandpa”. the next day the grandpa drops dead. the dad decides to ignore what she says last night and continues on with his day. that night the dad walks in his daughters room praying again. she says “good night mom, good night dad, goodbye grandma”. the next day the grandma drops dead. the dad starts to get a little freaked and at night he hears his daughter praying again. she says “good night mom, good bye dad”. the dad I completely freaked out so when he goes to work that day he stays in his office. he is afraid of going home so he stays until closing. he comes home and his wife opens the door. she says “where have you been?” he says “I’ve had a rough day.” the wife says, “you’ve had a rough day? first of all in the morning the mailman drops dead in front of me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqd68/plot_twist/
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Fun-eral

There were three men at a buddy's funeral. They were discussing what they wanted people to say when they died. The first man said, "I want people to say he was a very generous man. What about you". The second man said, "I want people to say he was a kind and loving soul". Then, the third man said, "I want people to say 'Hey look, he's moving!'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqakg/funeral/
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Girl asked if I was big down there. I said that it’s not big or small, it’s a medium…

It can talk to ghosts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqq8ou/girl_asked_if_i_was_big_down_there_i_said_that/
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Predictions of the relationship fallout of quarantine:

In one month divorce rates will spike.
In 9 months birth rates will spike.
In 13 years and nine months we will have quaranteens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqq6ik/predictions_of_the_relationship_fallout_of/
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My girlfriend is like the coronavirus

I don't have the coronavirus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqq4hk/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_coronavirus/
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My girlfriend was just like a spicy burrito.

It hurt when she left me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqpftc/my_girlfriend_was_just_like_a_spicy_burrito/
%
The story of an a blind alcaholic

A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a stool...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqoyuy/the_story_of_an_a_blind_alcaholic/
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Why did Jesus moan?

Because he was nailed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqoyko/why_did_jesus_moan/
%
Since we have to stay home, I’m setting up my pavilion and projector outside tonight. Watching Pulp Fiction, followed by the Kill Bill movies.

It’s a Tent & Quarantino marathon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqotiy/since_we_have_to_stay_home_im_setting_up_my/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?

Because his wife is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqopsq/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_can/
%
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"
Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!"
POOF
She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.
The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?"
Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!"
POOF
Away she went!
The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?"
With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?"
The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!"
And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands.
Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqopks/three_nuns_passed_away_and_went_up_to_heaven_they/
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I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple,

but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqomah/im_color_blind_and_the_other_day_i_thought_i/
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I got kicked out of math class.

Apparently, "rinsing your mouth" is the wrong answer to "what comes after 69?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqodze/i_got_kicked_out_of_math_class/
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My son got suspended for defending himself against a bully

So I went to the school to see why that happened...
“It’s against our policy to hit other students.”  Says the principal.
“So you’re telling me that anyone in your school who feels threaten in a situation shouldn’t even fight back?” I say
“Yes”
So I did what any rational adult would do and smacked her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqo8qq/my_son_got_suspended_for_defending_himself/
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What did communists use before candles?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqo2fc/what_did_communists_use_before_candles/
%
A kindergarten teacher was playing a game with her class

The game involved little hard candies, handing one of each flavor to every student. She told her students to eat the red ones first, then guess what it tastes like. They all ate the red one and after a few minutes they guessed it tasted like Strawberries, they were correct. Next the teacher had them eat the orange one with the hint
"the answer is in the name."
They ate and guessed it tasted like orange. The green one was tricky, but they were able to guess it was lime. Then the teacher had them eat the clear white ones, these were honey flavored, but the children couldn't tell what it was.
"I'll give you another hint." She told the class. "Sometimes your parents call each other this."
Not a moment later, little Sally had a look of shock and spit hers out in fear.
"Why did you spit yours out Sally?" The teacher asked.
Sally on the verge of tears said loudly to the class. "Because they're assholes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnudw/a_kindergarten_teacher_was_playing_a_game_with/
%
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnti1/people_always_ask_where_i_got_my_incredibly/
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I just watched Hugh Jackman...

Hugh need to turn your webcam off, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnt00/i_just_watched_hugh_jackman/
%
I don't vaccinate my kids and they live to more than 80...

That's a lot of days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnlxc/i_dont_vaccinate_my_kids_and_they_live_to_more/
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The Three Rabbit Brothers

Once upon a time there were three rabbit brothers named Foot, Foot Foot, and Foot Foot Foot.
One day Foot, Foot Foot, and Foot Foot Foot were out in the meadow eating grass. Well Foot ended up eating some bad grass, so Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot took Foot to the hospital. The doctor said "I don't think that Foot is going to make it." That night Foot died.
After the funeral the next day Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot were out in the meadow eating grass. Well Foot Foot ended up eating some bad grass, so Foot Foot Foot took Foot Foot to the hospital. The doctor said "I don't think that Foot Foot is going to make it."
Foot Foot Foot said "I hope he does, because I already got one Foot in the grave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnivf/the_three_rabbit_brothers/
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Open your mouth and say Ah

A beautiful young lady and her old mother went to the doctor.
As they came in to the doctor’s office, he looked at the young lady and said: “Please get undressed and lay down on the bench over there, and we will soon know what is wrong with you”
Her mother said: “No sir, it’s not her, it’s me who is ill. She just took me here.”
The doctor looked over to the old lady and replied: “All right then, please open your mouth and say Ah”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnffn/open_your_mouth_and_say_ah/
%
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnb6a/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbor_at_a_bus_stop/
%
A chimpanzee, a gorilla and a baboon are communicating to each other across their zoo enclosures about which is the greatest primate...

"It's obviously me!" says the chimp. "I am most closely related to humans and can use tools!" "No, it's me!" says the gorilla. "I am the biggest of all primates and strongest!" "No, it's me!" says the baboon. "I am smaller than you apes but am the biggest monkey plus fast and cunning!"
But then, many people suddenly start yelling at the animals:
"You need to be dealing with the coronavirus crisis Trump, Putin and Jinping!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqn6h6/a_chimpanzee_a_gorilla_and_a_baboon_are/
%
A vegan activist walks into a bar.

I only knew he was a vegan activist because he told everyone within two minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmz2c/a_vegan_activist_walks_into_a_bar/
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i made a video about the pandemic

But i am afraid to release it because it might go viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmyap/i_made_a_video_about_the_pandemic/
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My e‌‌x a‌‌nd I‌‌ had a safe word

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmhye/my_ex_and_i_had_a_safe_word/
%
Two friends walk into a bar

The bartender greets them with a smile and a “What’ll it be boys?”
Friend one speaks up “You know what? I’m not sure. Got anything special?”
The bartender smiles and tosses him an apple.
“What the hell is this?” He cries.
“Just trust me,” says the bartender with a wink.
After a deep sigh and a quick glance to his buddy, he takes a deep bit from the apple. “Oh my god! Its vodka!” The man exclaims.
The bartender says, ”Now turn it around and bite the other side”
The man excitedly turns the apple and chomps on the other end. “This is amazing! Is that Sprite?”
Friend 2 jumps in, “ No way man, let me try one” Bartender tosses him an apple, the man quickly takes bites from both sides and chews them together “Oh wow, it’s rum and coke!”
Just then a third man sits down at the bar and watches them quizzically. “Where’d y’all get them apples from?”
Friend 1 speaks up, “Hey man you gotta try this,” he points at the bartender, “this guy has apples in any flavor liquor you want!”
Bartender nods and says, “ I have any flavor you want, not just liquor. Skittles, oranges, carrot...” he mumbles while rummaging under the counter.
The third man speaks up, “You got one that tastes like pussy?”
All 4 men exchange glances. “Uhhhh...actually yeah I do” says the bartender, who dutifully digs around the shelves, produces an apple and tosses it to the man.
The man takes a large bite and quickly spits it out, “Oh my god! Thats awful! It tastes like shit!”
Bartender says, “Oh. Turn it around.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmgzt/two_friends_walk_into_a_bar/
%
An Irish man frees a genie from a bottle

The genie pops out and exclaims “3 wishes! Whatever you want I shall grant!”
The Irish man amazed at first says “I wish I had giant mug of beer!”
“Granted!” Says the genie and poof, the beer appears in front of the Irish man.
The Irish mans says “And I wish it would never run out of beer!”
“Granted!” Says the genie, and sure enough the Irish man starts chugging the beer and as soon as he puts it down it refills.
The genie then asks “And what about your third wish?”
The Irish man stops and thinks for a min and finally says “I’ll take another one of these!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmay9/an_irish_man_frees_a_genie_from_a_bottle/
%
In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqm8l8/in_a_small_american_town_a_band_of_squirrels_had/
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If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything:

Stamps = Lickie Stickie
Defibrillators = Hearty Starty
Bumble Bees = Fuzzy Buzzy
Pregnancy Test = Maybe Baby
Bra = Breastie Nestie
Fork = Stabby Grabby
Socks = Feetie Heatie
Hippo = Floatie Bloatie
Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqlqhr/if_the_person_who_named_walkie_talkies_named/
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Head Larger Than The Shaft...

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqllep/head_larger_than_the_shaft/
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Fun animal fact: You can take a cow up the stairs but not down

Think of the poor bastard who found it out the hard way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqlen8/fun_animal_fact_you_can_take_a_cow_up_the_stairs/
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Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck.

The first one says "Every morning I wake up at 6:00. At 6:30 I piss for half an hour, just standing there as piss dribbles out. At 7:00 I shit for an hour before I can squeeze anything out. I hate this life."
The second one says "You think you got it bad? Every morning I wake up at 5:00. At 6:00 I piss for an hour, if I'm lucky. at 7:00 I shit for two hours, maybe something comes out. My life sucks."
The third one says "You two think you got it bad? Lemme tell you! Every morning at 6:30 I piss like a faucet, just one continuous stream. At 7:00 I take a massive shit, it just slides straight out!"
The first two look at him and say "So what are you complaining about, you got it made!"
He says "Yeah, but I never wake up before 8:00!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqlbt8/three_old_men_are_sitting_in_an_oldage_home/
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WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fql95s/when_cats_are_sad/
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If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear....

... do you think Greece would help?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fql84r/if_russia_invaded_turkey_from_the_rear/
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A bartender has a drink ready for his customer every evening.

He’s a doctor and every time he finishes work he comes to the bar for a hazelnut daiquiri. One night, the bar is all out of hazelnuts. The bartender rummages through the inventory but is only able to find hickory nuts. He improvises a drink in the nick of time.
The doctor comes in right on time and takes a sip.
“This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” He says.
The bartender responds.
“No. You got me, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkor7/a_bartender_has_a_drink_ready_for_his_customer/
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Police are like a box of chocolates....

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkltg/police_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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The Perfect Son

Friend 1 - I have the perfect son.
Friend 2 - Does he smoke?
Friend 1 - No, he doesn't.
Friend 2 - Does he drink whiskey?
Friend 1 - No, he doesn't.
Friend 2 - Does he ever come home late?
Friend 1 - No, he doesn't.
Friend 2 - I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
Friend 1 - He will be six months old next Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkf3o/the_perfect_son/
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My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and then the sled driver would just “giver” down some snow covered back roads.
Holding the rope with one hand you could steer the saucer by leaning. Object of the game was to knock the other guy off, preferably when he was on or near what were sometimes 10' embankments of ploughed snow at the side of the road.
Hell of a lot of harmless fun for the most part, until one day it went bad.
Paul and I had been bashing the hell out of each other for a while, and no one was coming off. I came at him quickly from my side of the road and made the initial impact with him just seconds before an old Ford Econoline “shagging wagon” with the classic big ole cb antenna on it, came round the bend in front of us.
Long enough story short, I managed to stay over in our lane behind the sled, but as fate and all the timing that goes with it would have it, the van came even with us just as Paul bounced up the embankment, off a tree, and flipped over, on the wrong side of the road.
Again, in a horrible twist of fate, he came down near the top of the van’s windshield, and the motion of the impact basically impaled him on the antenna that was jutting up from the top of the van.
He survived the initial impact but later died in hospital. His blood system was poisoned by some ailment related to the dead insects that had beat him to the antenna.
Maybe if he had had a flak jacket on he might have made it.
Be careful out there folks. We all did some pretty risky stuff when we were younger.
Wear protection.
No one wants to die from a van aerial disease.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkexs/my_father_ladies_and_gentlemen/
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A dad tells his son that he wants him to marry a girl of his choice.

“No” replies the son.
“The girl is Bill Gates’ daughter” says the dad.
“Ok then” replies the son.
The dad goes to Bill Gates
“Can your daughter marry my son?” asks the dad.
“No” replies Bill Gates.
“But my son is the CEO of World Bank” said the dad.
“Then ok” says Bill Gates
The dad goes to the president of World Bank.
“Appoint my son as the CEO of your company” demands the dad.
“No” replies the president.
“But he is the son-in-law of Bill Gates” says the dad.
“Ok” says the president.
And that is how business is done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkcjd/a_dad_tells_his_son_that_he_wants_him_to_marry_a/
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Four Fathers at the Bar

Father A, Father B, Father C and Father D were at the bar, enjoying their drinks and happily conversing about their successes in life.
With a bladder full of liquid, Father D went to the toilet to take a shit.
As the conversation continued between the others, it diverted towards how successful their children were.
Father A said “My son is one of the most successful architects in the nation, he’s become so rich that he gifted a special friend an entire mansion”.
Father B said “My son is one of the most successful pilots in the world, he’s so rich that he gifted his best friend a private jet.”
Father C said “My son is one of the most popular YouTubers, he just gifted his friends a fleet of Ferraris”
Father D returned from the toilet, hopefully having washed his hands (please be hygienic in the wake of Covid-19). His friends proceed to ask him about his son’s successes, when he replied...
“My son is a gay stripper”
Gobsmacked, bamboozled and flabbergasted... the other fathers replied by asking if he was ashamed of his son, to which his Father D replied...
“Not at all. Recently, his satisfied clients have gifted him an entire mansion, a private jet and a fleet of Ferraris.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqk5j1/four_fathers_at_the_bar/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

Together we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqk0g3/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other_butt/
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I don't usually tell anal jokes

Butt fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjwrw/i_dont_usually_tell_anal_jokes/
%
What’s a cats favourite console

The pspspspspspspsps4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjtz9/whats_a_cats_favourite_console/
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Two boxers light up a blunt

After a couple hours, both of them are pretty damn high, they start telling each other stories. One of them says, "Oh man, the other day I went on the craziest date with my wife. I got home after practice and told her to get ready. A couple minutes later we head out into that beautiful forest next to our cottage.
While we're strolling through the forest, a lion comes out of the bushes. So I punch him and I kick him and I uppercut him all the way to Mars.
We continue our stroll and it's all lovey dovey and we're having a splendid time. All of a sudden a tiger comes out of the bushes. So I punch him and I kick him and I uppercut him all the way to Jupiter.
We continue our stroll and it's all lovey dovey and we're having a splendid time. All of a sudden a dinosaur..."
His friend interrupts him, "Do I seem that stupid mate? Do you think I'm an idiot? What kind of woman gets ready in a couple minutes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjt9c/two_boxers_light_up_a_blunt/
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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"
The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"
Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjp40/donald_trump_met_with_the_queen_of_england_and/
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Olive oil sale prohibited during COVID-19 lockdown

Only essential oils can be bought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjnan/olive_oil_sale_prohibited_during_covid19_lockdown/
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Today, I'm setting out to recapture my lost youth.

I could've sworn I locked the basement door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqj5ec/today_im_setting_out_to_recapture_my_lost_youth/
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I've got the memory of an elephant, i remember this one time

I went to the zoo and saw an elephant..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqj5c3/ive_got_the_memory_of_an_elephant_i_remember_this/
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I've just hired a landscape gardener, but he couldn't help me out

As my garden was portrait...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqj269/ive_just_hired_a_landscape_gardener_but_he/
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A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

My dogs don't even own bikes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqiz9x/a_policeman_just_knocked_on_my_door_and_said_my/
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panda

So this panda is tired of hanging around the zoo and decides one night, when his cage is accidently left open, that he's going to do what people do.
Being after dark, he's heads to the bar for some good 'ol fashion binge drinkin'
So this panda bear is sitting at the bar drinking some beers and is approached by a fine lady who asks him if he wants to go home with her.
So the panda bear obliges and goes back to this gal's place for a night of wild sex.
In the morning he gets up to leave to get back to the zoo, and she says
"You can't leave you have to pay me"
Panda bear says "why would I pay you"
Girl says "I'm a prostitute"
Panda bear says "yeah and I'm a Panda bear"
Girl says "you don't understand".....grabbing a dictionary, she shows the Panda the definition of prostitute: Person who has sex in exchange for money
Quickly thinking, the Panda Bear opens the dictionary to Panda and says "see, Panda Bear : Animal that eats bush and leaves"
"Good-bye"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqivwv/panda/
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Quarantine going good so far

I met a spider last night. Pretty cool guy. Talked to him a bit, he said he works as web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqinmx/quarantine_going_good_so_far/
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Two Dragons walk into a Bar

One says "It's getting Hot in here"
The other "Shut your mouth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqin21/two_dragons_walk_into_a_bar/
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I have been studying Russian with my friends and i realized we change b's into v's in the accent

My friends ask me if i still want to study russian and i said "If being russian makes my b's into v's then soviet."
I was shot down by the FBI the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqiklc/i_have_been_studying_russian_with_my_friends_and/
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A Roman walks into a bar

holds up two fingers and says “Five beers, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqihox/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do you make a pound of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqigg5/how_do_you_make_a_pound_of_fat_look_good/
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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.
"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.
"You see that mansion over there?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead."
"Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest."
The second brother to go is the oldest.
"Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour.
Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood.
"What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed.
"You see that village over there?"
"Yeah?" They said.
"Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive."
"Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience."
The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it."
He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at *least* 200mph.
In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.
"You see that giant tree over there?"
"...Yeah?"
"Well I sure fuckin' didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqif6a/three_vampire_brothers_decide_to_hold_a/
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Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed

but it’s all water under the fridge now
Credit u/kelly240361

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqibk0/day_12_of_quarantine_i_traversed_the_microwave/
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A guy walks into a supermarket to buy some dog food.

After he puts the dog food at the cash register the cashier replies: "Sorry, you must prove that you have a dog to purchase that. It's a new rule". Angry, the guy leaves.
The next day he comes to the supermarket to buy cat food. At the cash register, the cashier replies: "You can't buy that without proving that you have a cat". Furious, the guy exits the market.
The following day he approaches the same cashier and gives him a box with a hole in it. "Stick your finger there please" asks the guy. Suspcious, the cashier puts his finger in the box and quickly removes it.
"Now, smell it"
"This smells like shit, is this a joke ?"
"No, I just needed to buy some toilet paper"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhqen/a_guy_walks_into_a_supermarket_to_buy_some_dog/
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What is a priest’s favourite guitar chord?

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhk34/what_is_a_priests_favourite_guitar_chord/
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My dad asked me if I was even listening to what he was saying.

That's one weird way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhgsu/my_dad_asked_me_if_i_was_even_listening_to_what/
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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out.
She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhfk2/a_woman_joins_a_country_club_and_when_she_hears/
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I told my friends that i had a date with a really attractive girl....

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhak6/i_told_my_friends_that_i_had_a_date_with_a_really/
%
A mother is unsure about her depressed son's well-being

She asks him to clarify that he will not commit suicide, the boy tries to reassure her and replies:
"Don't worry mom! Suicide is the last thing I'd do!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgs8n/a_mother_is_unsure_about_her_depressed_sons/
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I want my women to be like my Covid

19 and easy to get

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgs89/i_want_my_women_to_be_like_my_covid/
%
If you donate a kidney

everybody loves you and you’re a total hero.
But try donating five kidneys – people start yelling, police gets called – sheesh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgrpw/if_you_donate_a_kidney/
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He'll never make it

Ireland on lock down due to the virus!! Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army. They are given a rifle each and told...‘ Martial law has been declared! Anyone caught out after 6 pm it's SHOOT TO KILL!!!
On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Paddy lets off 3 rounds and kills a man who is walking along the pavement!
Murphy shouts JESUS PADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S ONLY 5.45! Paddy replies: I Know where he lives...... He’ll never fucking  make it home by 6!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgqm5/hell_never_make_it/
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Pillow fight

The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.
I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgldx/pillow_fight/
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A single sperm has about 37.5 mb of data in it. That would mean a single ejaculation would be a transfer of about 1.587 tb worth of data

That’s a lot of information to swallow, I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgkpn/a_single_sperm_has_about_375_mb_of_data_in_it/
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A man walks into his hometown bar, walked up to the bartender and was offered a deal.

The bartender offered, “If you can slap the steak that’s hung from the ceiling, drinks are on the house. If you can’t, then tonight’s drinks are on you”.
The man considered for a long while before replying, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgkm8/a_man_walks_into_his_hometown_bar_walked_up_to/
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Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though...

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqggox/quarantine_has_been_hard_ive_run_out_of_toilet/
%
A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgaq3/a_woman_is_preparing_a_french_dinner_for_her/
%
I left my Chinese dumplings to cool on a third floor window ledge.

The police arrested me for wonton endangerment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqg83m/i_left_my_chinese_dumplings_to_cool_on_a_third/
%
Did you know that there are more airplanes underwater

...than submarines in the sky?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqg4uo/did_you_know_that_there_are_more_airplanes/
%
My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother

until my mom took the urn from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqg10r/my_favorite_childhood_memory_was_building/
%
Just noticed two large bumps on my car battery...

Had them tested and one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfxtb/just_noticed_two_large_bumps_on_my_car_battery/
%
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my things and right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfvt2/my_wife_is_really_mad_at_the_fact_that_i_have_no/
%
A Texan walks into an Irish pub

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
“Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfsti/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_pub/
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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”
So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.
“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.
“Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfrmu/paddy_and_murphy_are_working_on_a_building_site/
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I got an email with subject "knock knock"

It was Jehovah's witnesses working from home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqflp5/i_got_an_email_with_subject_knock_knock/
%
If Hooters started delivering

Would they change their name to knockers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfkol/if_hooters_started_delivering/
%
What‘s this COVID-19 thing everyone is talking about?

I don‘t get it.
...maybe I should leave the house more often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfgpj/whats_this_covid19_thing_everyone_is_talking_about/
%
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqffcq/my_girlfriend_borrowed_100_from_me_after_3years/
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Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it. Patient: What's the cure?

Doctor: It's an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith. But let's try to stay focused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfdbz/doctor_you_have_a_disease_but_we_can_treat_it/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
THAT'S HIM, OFFICER. HE'S INFECTED!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfcmk/knock_knock/
%
Where does a fish keep its money?

At the riverbank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqf8i6/where_does_a_fish_keep_its_money/
%
Inner peace during these uncertain times

I heard a doctor on TV say to have inner peace during these uncertain times  that we should always finish things we start and we all could use more  calm in our lives. I looked through my house for things I'd started and  hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of  Tequila, a bodle of some old Pinot, a butle of wum, tha mainder of  Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus  I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u  luvum....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqf2jk/inner_peace_during_these_uncertain_times/
%
Why can't football players wear glasses?

Because it's a contact sport

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqes0a/why_cant_football_players_wear_glasses/
%
Marriage is...

Marriage is knowing you never want your partner to die, but hating them for chewing too loud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqek6f/marriage_is/
%
To be frank,

I'd have to change my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqejt6/to_be_frank/
%
I bought the world's worst thesaurus today.

Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqej58/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_today/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it’s apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdz72/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
Sending my thoughts and prayers

To all the home invaders suffering an economic blow since the COVID 19 crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdro1/sending_my_thoughts_and_prayers/
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Son, want to hear a funny one?

Son: sure
Dad: Quarantine.
Son: why’s that funny?
Dad: it’s an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdnfb/son_want_to_hear_a_funny_one/
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The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.

W.H.O. let the dogs out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdnbi/the_world_health_organization_has_declared_that/
%
What do you call a sad noodle?

Upsetti spaghetti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqd0pm/what_do_you_call_a_sad_noodle/
%
What’s long and yellow and cannot swim?

A school bus full of children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqct73/whats_long_and_yellow_and_cannot_swim/
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$500!!!

A guy and his girlfriend are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The girl is just hopping out so she says, "I'll get it"         She goes to the door with just a towel around her.
There's a guy at the front door who looks at the half-naked beauty and says, "My name is Barry,I'll give you $500 to drop the towel"
The girl thinks for a moment and decides, "What the heck". So she drops the towel. The guy gives her the $500 and leaves.
She goes back upstairs where her boyfriend is just getting out of the shower. He asks, "who was at the door?" She says, "Oh, some guy named Barry"
Boyfriend says, "Oh, that's my mate Barry, did he give you the $500 he owes me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqcow9/500/
%
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.
It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs.
"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqcixo/two_caterpillars_are_escaping_a_spider_they_climb/
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Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United States and Europe, and had the machine scan every book published since the invention of the printing press. Finally Smith sat down at the console, took a deep breath, and typed, "Is there a God?"
The monitor flickered, the hard drives clicked, and up on the screen came the words, "There is now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqchms/smith_was_a_man_of_cold_facts_a_scientist_a/
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I went into a brothel in Wales.

They charged me twenty quid entry fee and said I could choose one of the girls to spend some time with. But it turned out they had no women at all!
I got fleeced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqc43b/i_went_into_a_brothel_in_wales/
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Jesus is doing a crossword when he shouts in frustration

I'm stuck on 2 across!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqbrcz/jesus_is_doing_a_crossword_when_he_shouts_in/
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So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo...

...right before the zoo opens.  It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.  However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it.  So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo.  People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.  About a month in, the craze has started to wear off.  So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him.  A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror.  Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.  The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!"  Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqbe3y/so_a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo/
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During boot camp training, a young mathematician is instructed to pull the pin of a grenade, count down from three and then throw.

He died by -6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqbdy5/during_boot_camp_training_a_young_mathematician/
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Went out for my state sanctioned, socially distant walk today...

...and I gotta say, a lot of guys seem to measuring six feet the way they measure six inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqb4mk/went_out_for_my_state_sanctioned_socially_distant/
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Deep in the Amazon jungle, a tribe witnessed white people for the first time...

...and immediately regretted installing TikTok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqb38l/deep_in_the_amazon_jungle_a_tribe_witnessed_white/
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Why don’t black people go on cruises?

They’re not falling for that trick again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqavnq/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
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I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today.

I dropped my pants and bent over.
They should have said it was a thermal scan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqalq3/i_got_sent_home_from_work_today_because_i_failed/
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A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.
One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore.  A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.
The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.
The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.
In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.
A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.
The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.
After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.
The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqahk4/a_man_with_a_gold_claim_in_alaska_was_cursed/
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How is the queen still alive?

Because she has been drinking imortali-tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqa8o8/how_is_the_queen_still_alive/
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What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqa68f/what_did_the_reddit_user_say_after_detonating_a/
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My friend asked what chord had the notes G, C, and D

Like Gsus man!  Learn the chord names!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqa0cs/my_friend_asked_what_chord_had_the_notes_g_c_and_d/
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The fact that all the bars are closed due to coronavirus has some big consequences.

I haven’t seen a “walked into a bar” joke here for days now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9sug/the_fact_that_all_the_bars_are_closed_due_to/
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For Redditors thinking about getting married soon—consider this very carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring..

On the other hand, you don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9n94/for_redditors_thinking_about_getting_married/
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Why was Mary Magdalene upset with Jesus?

Bevause he holy ghosted her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9mcq/why_was_mary_magdalene_upset_with_jesus/
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What do you call a director who likes to camp inside during a pandemic?

Tentin Quarentino

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9m01/what_do_you_call_a_director_who_likes_to_camp/
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An English man was trying to teach a Japanese man how to tell time in English...

The English man says to the Japanese man, “what time is it now?” The Japanese man looks at the clock and says “it’s 4 o’clock.”
The English man asks again, 30 minutes later, “now what’s the time?” The Japanese man replies with “it’s 4:30 o’clock” the English man and Japanese man celebrate by going to a restaurant.
After an hour of being at the
restaurant, the English man asks the Japanese man again, “what time is it now?” The Japanese man looks at his watch and replies with, “5:30 o’watch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9gqr/an_english_man_was_trying_to_teach_a_japanese_man/
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A new Chief takes over the Indian tribe..

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9esi/a_new_chief_takes_over_the_indian_tribe/
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Bro, do you want this pamplet?

Brochure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9c1l/bro_do_you_want_this_pamplet/
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Which x-men member is hated by conservatives?

Caitlyn Jenner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq99oe/which_xmen_member_is_hated_by_conservatives/
%
What does a 9volt battery and a girls butthole have in common?

You know you shouldn’t, but eventually you’ll put your tongue on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9998/what_does_a_9volt_battery_and_a_girls_butthole/
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My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a poultry farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken activities. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this backstory? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq941j/my_grandfather_died_and_i_inherited_some_of_his/
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How does an Eskimo build a house?

Igloos it together!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq931o/how_does_an_eskimo_build_a_house/
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Why is coronavirus like Groundhog Day? (The actual day, not the film)

If you stick your head outside and encounter another person, you get 6 more weeks of quarantine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq92rx/why_is_coronavirus_like_groundhog_day_the_actual/
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9 Inch Pianist

A man walks into a bar with a bag. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.
The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to show the bartender an old genie bottle. He rubs it, and out pops an old, dusty genie. The man tells the bartender to make a wish.
The Bartender wishes for 1 million bucks. Lo and Behold, rows of ducks begin walking into the bar and filling the entire area. Frustrated the bartender yells to the man "I wished for a million BUCKS!"
To this the man replied, "Did you think I wanted a 9-inch Pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8w22/9_inch_pianist/
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An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious muffins, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery’.
“And sure enough,” he continued. “The fifteenth time around the block, and there it was!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8tjh/an_overweight_businessman_decided_it_was_time_to/
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What's the difference between a woman walking out of church and a woman walking out of the shower?

One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8m6w/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_walking_out/
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They said that schizophrenia is an illness and I should take medication.

But look who’s over here not lonely during the quarantine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8ch6/they_said_that_schizophrenia_is_an_illness_and_i/
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What do cashews and prostitutes have in common?

It’s an expensive nut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq85f6/what_do_cashews_and_prostitutes_have_in_common/
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Claude the Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for
the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from
his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch
high for all to see.  "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been
in my family for six generations," said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming
surfaces.  A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the
gently swaying watch.
They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst into a hundred pieces on
impact.
"SHIT," shouted Claude.
It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Home and
Claude was never invited back again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8362/claude_the_hypnotist/
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Bartender

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with
my wife." The man says,
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq7ybb/bartender/
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Due to Coronavirus, we officially now have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq7k0u/due_to_coronavirus_we_officially_now_have_three/
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90% of the time I know what you want.

A Customer walked into a Wal-Mart and the Me as a good Customer Representative said, "Automotive, aisle 15."
The Customer asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"
I replied, "That's my job."
Another customer walks in, a man and I said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."
The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?
I replied, "That's my job."
This time a brunette walked in and I said, "Tampons, aisle 5."
The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."
I said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq7ajp/90_of_the_time_i_know_what_you_want/
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Is there any way to put the pin of a grenade back in?

Guys, I'm gonna need a quick answer on this one..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq765a/is_there_any_way_to_put_the_pin_of_a_grenade_back/
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My grandpa warned that the Titanic would sink.

No one payed attention to him, but he kept on warning until people got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6su4/my_grandpa_warned_that_the_titanic_would_sink/
%
Who needs stimulus money

When your wife didn't go shopping for two weeks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6pmu/who_needs_stimulus_money/
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I tried to rickroll everyone on r/Jokes with a link but

You know the rules and so do I

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6noq/i_tried_to_rickroll_everyone_on_rjokes_with_a/
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I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6ber/i_can_always_tell_just_by_looking_when_someone_is/
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What's the difference between a scout and a Jew?

A scout comes back from their camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq61ft/whats_the_difference_between_a_scout_and_a_jew/
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I used to live next door to a talking horse

We were Neeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigghhhhbours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5sf8/i_used_to_live_next_door_to_a_talking_horse/
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My last girlfriend had a lazy eye.

We broke up because I caught her seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5qcd/my_last_girlfriend_had_a_lazy_eye/
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My parents were murdered

And the detective was a duck
Luckily he quacked the case in the end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5jg2/my_parents_were_murdered/
%
How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5dsf/how_my_husband_and_i_terrified_a_taxi_driver/
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Some people think it’s soooo fine, that a Sweden - Denmark soccermatch gets abbreviated as SWEDEN

But the abbrevition for Finland - Estonia is FINEST!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5agj/some_people_think_its_soooo_fine_that_a_sweden/
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Aussie help line

Helpline Agent: "G'day mate, Aussie help line ere, what's the problem cobber?
Guy: "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her vagina has completely closed up"
Helpline Agent: "Ah bummer mate!"
Guy: "Cheers mate, I hadn't thought of that, bye!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq57np/aussie_help_line/
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My wife said that with all this going on she’s not going to take our 4 week old to the hospital just to have his weight checked.

No weigh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4q7e/my_wife_said_that_with_all_this_going_on_shes_not/
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My friend asked for tips to pick up women

I told him to lift with his legs to avoid injuring his back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4pq5/my_friend_asked_for_tips_to_pick_up_women/
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My wife has been missing for a year and the police said to me last night..

My wife has been missing a year and the police said to me last night, "I think you should expect the worst."
So I've brought all her things back in from the shed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4hn9/my_wife_has_been_missing_for_a_year_and_the/
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What did the Russian lesbian spy get charged with?

Lesbionage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4bq2/what_did_the_russian_lesbian_spy_get_charged_with/
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Did you hear about the Jamaican spicemaker who had sex before marriage?

He was a cinna-mon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq49if/did_you_hear_about_the_jamaican_spicemaker_who/
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An ok joke

Francis had memory loss. He was chatting with his friend, Richard, in his nursery home. Richard asks him “ Hey, how is that new memory clinic working out for you?”
“It’s going great!” Francis said. “I can remember everything.”
So then Richard asks him “ What’s the name of the clinic?”
“Umm...What’s the name of that red flower with a long stem and thorns?” Francis asks.
“Do you mean a Rose?”
“Yeah.” So then he turns to his wife.
“Hey Rose! What’s the name of that memory clinic?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq48h7/an_ok_joke/
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A husband and a wife go to marriage Counseling. [Long]

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.
The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”
“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?”
The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says to the counselor, “For years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
The counselor explains, “She says you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public—looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do on his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counselor smiles. “That just means you should stay out of trouble.
And,” he continued, “finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
“This,” says the husband, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed, and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “With his dying breath, he said, ‘Don’t screw up.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq420s/a_husband_and_a_wife_go_to_marriage_counseling/
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How can you easily spot an optimist?

An Older person buying green bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq3g7x/how_can_you_easily_spot_an_optimist/
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What do women and KFC have in common?

After your done with the breast and thighs you have a greasy box to stick your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq3b3d/what_do_women_and_kfc_have_in_common/
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I am so bored now, So I applied for The NHS volunteer scheme.

Turns out they've got enough gynaecologist, Just waiting to hear back from the breast clinic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq3aso/i_am_so_bored_now_so_i_applied_for_the_nhs/
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What do cats get when they get sick?

A purrscription

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq37dj/what_do_cats_get_when_they_get_sick/
%
A reporter visits a small village farm to interview a farmer about his sheep.

Reporter:So Billy,what do feed your sheep?
Billy:I feed the white one corn mix.
Reporter:what about the black one?
Billy:I feed it corn mix as well.
Reporter: Ok,where do your sheep sleep?
Billy:the white one sleeps in the underground shack.
Reporter:what about the black one?
Billy: it sleeps in the underground shack as well.
Reporter : OK......how old are your sheep?
Billy:the white one's 11.
Reporter:what about the black one?
Billy: it's 11 as well.
Repoerter:OK Billy,both of your sheep live the same way then why do you keep talking about them seperately?
Billy:it's because the white one is mine.
Reporter:what about the black one then?
Billy: it's mine as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq30g1/a_reporter_visits_a_small_village_farm_to/
%
A man walks up to a widow during a funeral:

“Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq303j/a_man_walks_up_to_a_widow_during_a_funeral/
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What do you call a chameleon that can't change colour?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq2yok/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_that_cant_change/
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A husband and wife sit in their bed.

The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq2svg/a_husband_and_wife_sit_in_their_bed/
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Missionary Work

An American missionary travels to remote Amazonv village to spread the gospel.  First, thing he realizes is that he needs to teach the natives English; as that's the only language he knows and has Bibles to distirbute.    He ponders and finally approaches the headman of the village.
As the walk along in the forest the missionary see's a bird and points as says "Bird", the villager looks and says "Bird".   The missionary looks upwards and says praise the Lord this might work.  They walk a little further, the missionary passes a tree and points and says "Tree", the villager looks and says "Tree".  The missionary looks upwards again and says praise the Lord this might work.
They continue with this and it seems to be working.  Finally as they pass some bushes they see a couple having sex.  The missionary thinks to himself; I don't want to teach them any "bad" words so he points at the couple and says "Riding a bicycle".   In the blink of an eye, the villager pulls the bow off his back, notches an arrow, and shoots the man from the couple in the back.
Then the the village points at the couple and says "Riding my bicycle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq2j8r/missionary_work/
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A man wins the lottery...

[*I heard this joke for the first time as a 13 year old at a family party. So imagine my mild mannered German 70 year old great uncle calmly telling this joke to the whole table. I had never heard him tell a joke before. It's still one of my favourite jokes*]
A man wins the lottery after years of crippling debt and financial stress.
His first idea is to quit his horrible job. Upon arrival at work and before he can say anything, he is summoned to the office of his boss.
"I'm sorry, but we have to let you go due to changed priorities. As this is not your fault, you will be compensated with a severance pay of $50,000. I'll be happy to introduce you to any future employer. Again, I'm very sorry."
Astonished and surprised, the man leaves his former work place and thinks about his next plans.
He decides to buy his dream car.
At the car dealership, he is greeted by confetti, flowers and large banderole reading "Congratulations, customer #100,000!"
As the prize is a fancy sports car, he enthusiastically speeds home to finally tell his wife.
Stepping into his home, he slowly tip-toes from room to room to be able to surprise her.
After nearly checking the whole house, it almost seems like his wife is not at home, even though the door was not locked.
Suddenly he sees that the ladder to the attic is lowered. Slowly ascending, he is overcome by a strong suspicion and starts to breathe heavily.
And yes: there she is, dangling from a rope, a chair toppled over, a suicide note on the neatly placed shoes on the floor.
The man stands silent for a minute and finally speaks to himself.
"Well look at that! Seems like I'm on a roll today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1vrz/a_man_wins_the_lottery/
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Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "They gave those away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1oc9/wife_dreamed_that_she_was_attending_a_dick_auction/
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COVID-19 Pick-Up Lines

If COVID-19 doesn't take you out... Can I?
Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you  just happy to be within 6 feet of me?
Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.
You can't spell virus without U and I.
Baby, do you need toilet paper because I'm your Prince Charmin.
I saw you from across the bar. Stay there.
Without you my life is empty as a supermarket shelf.
Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink?
You can't spell quarantine without "U-R-A-Q-T".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1mj3/covid19_pickup_lines/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson were investigating a case.

Suddenly Dr. Watson started having constipation and he retired to the nearest lavatory.
After some time passed, Holmes went to check up on Watson.
"You all right in there, Watson?"
"Yes, Holmes."
"Still having bouts of constipation, don't you?"
"Yeah, no shit, Sherlock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1fjh/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_john_watson_were/
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A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow.

So they decided to enter an auto race. Instead of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail.
When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.
The spectators marveled "Wow, look at that S car go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1byg/a_group_of_snails_were_tired_of_the_stereotypes/
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The poetry contest.

The rules were simple.  Contestants were given a word, and five minutes to compose a four-line poem that used the word.  The two finalists were an Oxford don and a undergrad from Ole Miss.  The word was Timbuktu.
The Oxford lecturer went first.
"Across the burning desert sand / Wends a lonely caravan / Men and camels, two by two, / Destination:  Timbuktu."
Polite applause.  Then it was the Southern kid's turn.
"Me 'n' Tim a'huntin' went, / Met three hoors in a pop-up tent. / They was three 'n' we as two, / So I bucked one 'n' Timbuktu."
He won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1bbh/the_poetry_contest/
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Where do bees stop to use the bathroom on road trips?

The BP station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1amq/where_do_bees_stop_to_use_the_bathroom_on_road/
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Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart (NSFW)

He heard little boys pants were half off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq18tj/why_did_michael_jackson_go_to_kmart_nsfw/
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A King must give his kingdom to one of his sons, he gives them each a duck and a task...

There's a king in a far away kingdom. He had 3 son's all close in age and had not chose an heir.
The 3 princes were old enough for him to decide, so he gives them each a duck. The king says, " which ever of you sale your duck for the most money will be the heir to the throne. Go my sons fulfill this task."
The eldest prince leaves...
A little later on the middle prince leaves...
Finally the youngest son leaves, as he's walking thru the woods he thinks to himself, "I've never sold a thing in my life, the kingdom could never be mine"
He walks hopelessly around the woods and eventually runs into a beautiful woman bathing in a pond. He is struck. He approaches her and says, "Excuse me ma'am you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I will give you this duck for sex".
She agrees.
When they finish he hands her the duck. She looks at the duck confused on what to do with it and says to the prince, "I will return this duck for one more go 'round".
He agrees.
After they got finished the prince heads back to the kingdom as its getting dark. He feels defeated as he is walking back duck still in hand.
Suddenly the duck jumps out of his hands and an 18 wheeler suddenly runs it over flat! Devestated he picks up his flat duck. At that moment a guy on a 4 wheeler pulls up and says to the prince holding the flat duck, "Whoa! That's a bad ass duck dude I'll give you 5 dollars!"
The prince agrees and heads back to the kingdom and all the princes meet back with their father. The eldest prince says, "I sold my duck for 1 dollar!" The second goes, "that's nothing I sold mine for 2 dollars!" The third prince smiling, says, "I got fuck for a duck. Duck for a fuck. And 5 dollars for one fucked up duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq16ow/a_king_must_give_his_kingdom_to_one_of_his_sons/
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What do you call 100 Maleficents?

A Malefidollar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq12wg/what_do_you_call_100_maleficents/
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A Scottish teenage girl plays the guitar and writes a song

A Scottish teenage girl learns guitar and writes a song. When she performs it at the talent show, to her father's disapproval, she wears a crop top. During a guitar solo, her father walks up on stage and starts singing the song as if he's part of the act, and then he wraps her exposed belly with a towel. In shock, the girl says to her dad, "Why are you coverin' me mid-riff?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0rs7/a_scottish_teenage_girl_plays_the_guitar_and/
%
You know what they say, “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

Except for the Herpes, that shit comes homes with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0q65/you_know_what_they_say_what_happens_in_vegas/
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I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0iww/im_not_saying_its_a_mistake_letting_my_girlfriend/
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Came home from work to find the cake in my fridge missing. There was a note sitting where the cake was that said...

>“I broke into your house and saw the cake in your fridge, I didn’t steal anything else, only the cake in your fridge.”
I was infuriated, what kind of a burglar steals cake?!
I’ve had thieves take my bike, I’ve had thieves take my packages, but not like this, this one takes the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0erc/came_home_from_work_to_find_the_cake_in_my_fridge/
%
Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson....

would end up getting a Prince Albert?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0916/who_couldve_expected_conservative_party_member/
%
A young girl was sent to work in mines

A few days later someone pushed a piano down the mine shaft
Resulted in A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq07fl/a_young_girl_was_sent_to_work_in_mines/
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Vegans don't live longer

It just feels like they do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq06t2/vegans_dont_live_longer/
%
"Orion's belt is a big waste of space"

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzyzr/orions_belt_is_a_big_waste_of_space/
%
Once I was a male who was trapped inside a female's body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzr52/once_i_was_a_male_who_was_trapped_inside_a/
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R. Kelly has asked to be released from prison after being concerned about catching COVID-19.

I bet if it was COVID-13 he wouldn't mind catching it at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpznhj/r_kelly_has_asked_to_be_released_from_prison/
%
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet.
We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzmy0/a_woman_cranky_because_her_husband_was_late/
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Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.

As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.
"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."
The first man steps forward.
"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floor apartment to another man's clothes at the foot of you and your wife's bed. I didn't have to imagine, and I didn't stand for it. I had to look for this bastard. So I ran around, searching high and low, until I found someone hanging on to the window sill. I hit his fingers until he falls all six stories but he somehow survives by falling onto some trash bags. I grab the nearest heavy object-which happens to be the refrigerator-and throw it down at him. In my anger, I didn't realize that the plug had wrapped around my ankle, so I ended up falling to my death."
"Well," said Peter, "Normally we don't allow murderers in here, but I think it was for a righteous enough reason. You pass."
As the first man walks into Heaven, the second man steps forward.
"Imagine this. You're a window washer, doing your rounds on the seventh floor of an apartment building. You slip and fall, but somehow you catch yourself on the window sill of the floor below. All of a sudden, this random asshat starts smashing at your fingers. Anyways, I fell and my life flashed before my eyes. By some miraculous fate, I was somehow safe! I had landed on some garbage bags and survived. Then I look up and see a fridge falling from the sky."
Peter laughed. "Well, I don't think you did anything particularly wrong. You can come in."
As the second man entered the gates, Saint Peter turned to the last man. "What about you?"
"So imagine you've just finished fuckin' some dude's wife. Then you hide in the refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzlz8/three_men_arrive_in_heaven_at_the_same_time/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzj4i/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
White priest goes and lives with an African tribe. He spends his days teaching the way of the lord.

After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further.
"Ok chief. See that flock of sheep?"
"Mmm yes"
"See they are all white, but that one black one?"
"Mmm yes"
"Does that help you to understand?"
"Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzcll/white_priest_goes_and_lives_with_an_african_tribe/
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So I decided to incorporate Twitter into my daily life

I think it's going well, but these women keep asking me why I'm following them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpz8wi/so_i_decided_to_incorporate_twitter_into_my_daily/
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What do you call a British girl who likes to keep track of things?

a Tally Hoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyxa0/what_do_you_call_a_british_girl_who_likes_to_keep/
%
I just married a trophy wife..

Her ears stick out and she has a list of previous boyfriends tattooed down her back...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyu1l/i_just_married_a_trophy_wife/
%
I like my salad how I like my woman

All vegetables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyta2/i_like_my_salad_how_i_like_my_woman/
%
Last week i launched a book aimed at 9 to 12 year olds..

Today i hit one of the little shits with it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyk1d/last_week_i_launched_a_book_aimed_at_9_to_12_year/
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As a kid i was really mean to my kid brother, i once convinced him to swallow a torch..

It was worth it just to see his little face light up..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyffa/as_a_kid_i_was_really_mean_to_my_kid_brother_i/
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I used to be a fortune teller but i was really bad at it as i could only predict really bad winter storms..

Turns out i was using a snow globe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpybox/i_used_to_be_a_fortune_teller_but_i_was_really/
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my son is a male trapped in a female body

he'll be born in may.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpybj5/my_son_is_a_male_trapped_in_a_female_body/
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What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpy8i2/what_does_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
If you dress up a pug like gru from despicable me

You get a group hug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpy0gy/if_you_dress_up_a_pug_like_gru_from_despicable_me/
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I really need to get something off my chest

It’s your mom. Get the crane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxxmu/i_really_need_to_get_something_off_my_chest/
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New quarantine pickup line:

Hey baby, just call me COVID-19, because I want to be inside you for 14 days without you knowing.
Was told this was inappropriate at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxuz1/new_quarantine_pickup_line/
%
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

In reality it's because I banged her mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxtgc/i_call_my_wife_bambi_she_thinks_its_because_shes/
%
How do bodybuilders combat coronavirus?

Whey Isolate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxouo/how_do_bodybuilders_combat_coronavirus/
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My girlfriend's brother had a baby.

You want aunts? 'Cause that's how you get aunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxkyu/my_girlfriends_brother_had_a_baby/
%
I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform.

She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxj09/i_just_asked_the_wife_to_get_into_her_nurses/
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My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxizp/my_girlfriend_really_changed_after_she_became/
%
I love you.

"I love you, Mom."
"What?"
"I love you, Mom."
"I heard you the first time, I just wanted to hear it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxft2/i_love_you/
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There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months

In 2033, we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxetc/there_will_be_a_minor_baby_boom_in_9_months/
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A performer on stage asks his audience if anyone there has ever seen a ghost.

Some people in the audience raise their hand.
The performer continues and asks if anyone present had ever spoken to a ghost.
Only a few people raise their hand.
The performer then asks if anyone in the audience has ever had sexual relations with a ghost.
An old man at the back of the audience raises his hand and so the performer repeats "sir you had sex with a ghost"
To which the old man replies " oh sorry, i thought you said goat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpx7st/a_performer_on_stage_asks_his_audience_if_anyone/
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Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the
question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was
"pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work .
A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in
favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the
time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in
charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpx7at/is_sex_work/
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Jesus needs to get back on the cross

And take one for the team

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpx4ln/jesus_needs_to_get_back_on_the_cross/
%
I know why there is so much incest in Alabama.

Since you can’t serve on a jury for a family member, you can avoid jury duty by being related to everybody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwjz5/i_know_why_there_is_so_much_incest_in_alabama/
%
Why doesn’t Bernie Sanders like hand sanitizer?

Because it protects the 0.01%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwh6w/why_doesnt_bernie_sanders_like_hand_sanitizer/
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"The car insurance company down the road wouldn't give me an offer because I'm gay. Will you guys help me?"

"Of course we will. We're Progressive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwcnm/the_car_insurance_company_down_the_road_wouldnt/
%
What do lesbians and turtles have in common?

They both choke on plastic...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwc3j/what_do_lesbians_and_turtles_have_in_common/
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If you get an e-mail from the CDC about tins of pork being contaminated with COVID-19, don’t open it.

It’s Spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwb3g/if_you_get_an_email_from_the_cdc_about_tins_of/
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So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpw6y7/so_boris_johnson_has_tested_positive_for_covid19/
%
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvuaj/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_check/
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A farmer had three daughters, all of whom had dates on the same night.

The first date knocks on the door and says to the farmer,
“Hello, I’m Eddy and I’m here to take Betty out for a plate of spaghetti.”
The farmer lets them go.
The next date comes to the door and says,
“Hello, I’m Beau and I’m here to take Flo to the show.”
The farmer lets them go.
The third date comes to the door and says,
“Hello, I’m Chuck...”
So the farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvti5/a_farmer_had_three_daughters_all_of_whom_had/
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He asked: how do you f‌‌eel a‌‌bout s‌‌ex?

She replied: well I like it i‌‌nfrequently.
He said: is that o‌‌ne word or t‌‌wo?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvr3o/he_asked_how_do_you_feel_about_sex/
%
I'd like to thank my dad for coming...

Without him I wouldn't be here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvp48/id_like_to_thank_my_dad_for_coming/
%
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!
*drops mic*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvebp/i_give_to_you_a_joke_i_made_up_when_i_was_seven/
%
Toilet paper hoarding mystery has been solved.

When one person sneezes nine shit themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvapb/toilet_paper_hoarding_mystery_has_been_solved/
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Parish Priest

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'
'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'
'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a B#tch fish!'
'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a B#tch!'
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
'Father, that's the biggest Son of a B#tch I've ever seen'
'Yes, it is a big Son of a B#tch. What should I do with it?'
'Why, eat it, of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a B#tch!'
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
'Take a look at this big Son of a B#tch I caught!'
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'
'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a B#tch fish!'
'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a B#tch?'
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a B#tch for his dinner.
'I'll even clean the Son of a B#tch', she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
'What are you doing Sister?'
'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a B#tch for the new Bishop's Dinner'
'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a B#tch Fish.'
'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a B#tch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a B#tch.'
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
'I caught that Son of a B#tch!' proclaimed the proud priest.
'And I cleaned the Son of a B#tch!' exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a B#tch, using a special recipe!
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You mother f---ers are my kind of people!'
Reply

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpuw8i/parish_priest/
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I really made my spouse angry when I opened the shower curtain and yelled "peek a boobs!"

He says he's been going to the gym and I really need to be more supportive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpuvbi/i_really_made_my_spouse_angry_when_i_opened_the/
%
What do you call the slums in Italy?

Spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpumiw/what_do_you_call_the_slums_in_italy/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpumf7/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
A man ordered the soup at a restaurant and asked the waiter to try it...

Man: Waiter, will you try the soup?
Waiter: What's wrong Sir, is it too cold?
Man: Will you just try the soup.
Waiter: Is it too hot?
Man: Will you just try the soup
Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir?
Man: Will you just try the damned soup son
Waiter: If there is something wrong with the soup...
Man: WILL YOU JUST TRY THE SOUP!
Waiter: FINE! I'll try the soup. Where's the spoon.
Man: Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpu9qe/a_man_ordered_the_soup_at_a_restaurant_and_asked/
%
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.
The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpu7ed/a_woman_dies_and_goes_to_the_gates_of_heaven/
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Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past.
She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"
The old man said, "but I won't be able to..."
Prostitute: "c'mon man.... give it a try... "
Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.
When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to...."
"...pay you" replied the old man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fptzpc/old_man_and_the_prostitute_nsfw/
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A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra.

He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.
"What colour?" she asked.
He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked.
"Twenty-four dollars."
"Expensive, but ok," he thought.
All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fptpj7/a_married_man_thought_he_would_give_his_wife_a/
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A Lady Pregnant with Triplets walks down the street

and while passing a store a robber comes running out and shoots her 3 times in the stomach. She is rushed off to hospital and the doctor evaluates the situation and says the babies are fine and he opts not to operate on the kids as she could lose them.
So 16 years later, the first daughter comes into the room crying and the mother asks whats wrong. She narrates to the mother that she was taking a pee and a bullet fell out, the mother understands and comforts the daughter and tells the daughter the story of 16 years ago
A week later the second daughter comes into the room crying and the mother asks whats wrong, the second daughter also narrates the experience of taking a pee and a bullet fell out. Mother again comforts her daughter and tells the story of 16 years ago
A week later the son comes into the room crying and the mother immediately comforts him and says let me guess you were taking a pee and a bullet fell out? To which the son replies no mom... I was taking a wank and I shot the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpt0uc/a_lady_pregnant_with_triplets_walks_down_the/
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Corona cases in North Korea are represented in binary.

Number of cases is either 1 or 0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpsv9h/corona_cases_in_north_korea_are_represented_in/
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What do you call a very small bottle of soda?

Minnesota.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpsjx7/what_do_you_call_a_very_small_bottle_of_soda/
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpsgdd/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_hit_in_the/
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I can't even.

Explains why I'm odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprsib/i_cant_even/
%
I was talking to my girl the other day, and I told her I came up with a poetic analogy for our relationship.

“You’re like my phone case,” I told her.
“Aww, what does that mean?”
“I paid $20 just to fuck you up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprlex/i_was_talking_to_my_girl_the_other_day_and_i_told/
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Stop saying your life is a joke!

A joke has meaning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprerv/stop_saying_your_life_is_a_joke/
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How many jokes about Indian food do you know?

Naan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprbc2/how_many_jokes_about_indian_food_do_you_know/
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Put this with the song from the Lego Movie "Everything Is Awesome"

Everything is cancelled,
everything is cancelled 'cause of COVID-19,
Everything is cancelled,
Because of quarantine.
You're welcome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpragv/put_this_with_the_song_from_the_lego_movie/
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A barely NSFW joke for ya!

Whats the most sensitive body part when your masturbating?
Your ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqz58/a_barely_nsfw_joke_for_ya/
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Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day.

Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqwtb/put_a_spoon_under_your_pillow_cancel_school_for_a/
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I feel bad for Jehovah's Witnesses

It must be hard for them to stay home and mind their fucking business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqw62/i_feel_bad_for_jehovahs_witnesses/
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What's a dinosaur which recently had anal called?

A Mega-sore-ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqsrz/whats_a_dinosaur_which_recently_had_anal_called/
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The quarantine isn't funny to a lot of people...

It's an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqsii/the_quarantine_isnt_funny_to_a_lot_of_people/
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My wife called me at work and asked,

"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."
She responded, "How 'bout now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqq8r/my_wife_called_me_at_work_and_asked/
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We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqi7s/we_are_11_days_into_selfisolation_ands_it_is/
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If I had a nickel every time I was confused

I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqhbi/if_i_had_a_nickel_every_time_i_was_confused/
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My doctor asked me what my blood type was, I said O-

He asked, "Are you sure?"
I said, "Oh, I'm positive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpq9jz/my_doctor_asked_me_what_my_blood_type_was_i_said_o/
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I don't have enough bandwidth to connect to PornHub

Now my Fitbit will think I'm lazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpq8ms/i_dont_have_enough_bandwidth_to_connect_to_pornhub/
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I'll never marry a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fppwxh/ill_never_marry_a_tennis_player/
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Dating a blind woman is easy,

You know they won't be seeing anyone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpphvv/dating_a_blind_woman_is_easy/
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Why do girl scout cookies taste so good?

child labor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpp1zh/why_do_girl_scout_cookies_taste_so_good/
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NSFW Rooster likes to fuck.

OK so there's this farmer and he has a rooster, and this rooster loves to fuck. The farmer comes out of the house one morning and finds all his chickens have been fucked to death by this rooster. He says to the rooster, "if you don't stop fucking like this you're going to kill yourself" . The rooster says, "nah man, you're crazy, ain't nothing wrong with fucking" . The next day comes and the farmer goes outside and all his cows have been fucked to death by the rooster again. He goes up to the rooster and tells him again, "if you don't stop fucking like this you're going to kill yourself" . The rooster responds the same way, "no way, you're crazy, ain't nothing wrong with fucking". This goes on a few more days til all the horses, the pigs, even the dog, had been fucked to death. The farmer thinking that everything will calm down now is shocked, when he goes out the next day and see buzzards circling in the sky. He runs towards them and sees the rooster stretched out on the ground. He falls to his knees and says, "damn it rooster I told you that all that fucking was going to kill you"! The rooster opens one eye, points toward the sky, "shhhh pussy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpotfi/nsfw_rooster_likes_to_fuck/
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Arab

A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body," said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?"
His father replied, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpotf1/arab/
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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpoo08/a_suspected_covid19_male_patient_is_lying_in_bed/
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My current hairstyle is perfect for tonight's Silent Disco.

It's got absolutely no volume

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpogpr/my_current_hairstyle_is_perfect_for_tonights/
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What do Germans call a dead battery?

A Nein- volt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpoe5p/what_do_germans_call_a_dead_battery/
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Little Kevin had a habit of stealing apples from his neighbors farm

Annoyed by this the neighbor tried to catch little Kevin but constantly failed, so he hired a wise man to help him. The wise man simply painted a few words on a sign and left, the sign now said "one apple is poisoned". The next day the neighbor comes out to the wise mans house and asks for his money back, the wise man confused asks whether his apples were stolen, the neighbor replied that they hadn't, then why do you want your money back? The Wiseman asked so the neighbor showed him the sign that had a new addition to it:
Now there are two!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpocqk/little_kevin_had_a_habit_of_stealing_apples_from/
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instead of 'coronials'

how about babies born 9 months from now could be called "lockup knockups".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpoauf/instead_of_coronials/
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What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

One sells watches; one watches cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpo9y7/whats_the_difference_between_a_jeweler_and_a/
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What do you call an asian girl with only one leg?

Irene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpo6ys/what_do_you_call_an_asian_girl_with_only_one_leg/
%
America is #1 again.

We're literally sick of winning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpnppx/america_is_1_again/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
You're not infected, are you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpnpns/knock_knock/
%
Superman and Chuck Norris once agreed to a fight.

The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants for the rest of their life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpnnju/superman_and_chuck_norris_once_agreed_to_a_fight/
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Did you hear State Farm has a new slogan?

Like a good neighbor stay over there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpndyb/did_you_hear_state_farm_has_a_new_slogan/
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I wanted to make a joke criticising YouTube and how ridiculous it's gotten in there

But first, a word from our sponsor RAID: Shadow Legends!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpn2cm/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_criticising_youtube_and/
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:

"Y'know, one would have been enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmvqu/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/
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Due to COVID-19...

I've begun laundering my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmnnf/due_to_covid19/
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Today I went to buy a new car. I asked the salesman a short question: “Cargo space?”

He looked at me and said: “No car no do that car no fly”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmj2g/today_i_went_to_buy_a_new_car_i_asked_the/
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Where does everyone in Alabama play games on their phone?

Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmhyu/where_does_everyone_in_alabama_play_games_on/
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What does Usain Bolt do when he misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpm68t/what_does_usain_bolt_do_when_he_misses_his_bus/
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Tarzan knew nothing about sex when he met Jane

So Jane decide to teach him in a way that he would understand.
"listen Tarzan, what you've got between your legs is a dirty rag and what I have between my legs is a washing machine. So you just have to wash your rag in my washing machine."
Tarzan began to grow extremely fond of his newfound sexuality and on a normal day he would "wash" his rag over 30 times!
Jane became exhausted and decided to avoid Tarzan whenever he was horny. At first Tarzan was confused and angry so he retreated into the jungle.. After some time Jane was again in need of the D but could not find Tarzan anywhere. After a long search she found him and asked him where had he been and why hadn't he searched for her washing machine anymore...
He replied: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplrx7/tarzan_knew_nothing_about_sex_when_he_met_jane/
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Mississippi Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'​​​​​​​

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplpka/mississippi_grandma/
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Well, I don't drink anymore.

To be fair, I don't drink any less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplore/well_i_dont_drink_anymore/
%
What do you call a homeless woodwind instrument?

a hoboe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplm6l/what_do_you_call_a_homeless_woodwind_instrument/
%
Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!"

I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplfxj/ordered_a_chinese_earlier_in_the_day_the_chinese/
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I had a doughtnut shop but ended up selling it...

I was fed up of the hole business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplcah/i_had_a_doughtnut_shop_but_ended_up_selling_it/
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Son: Mom, why is my sister's name Paris?

Mom: We conceived her when we were in Paris. Now finish your lunch, Quarantino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkvvd/son_mom_why_is_my_sisters_name_paris/
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If you get an email with the subject knock-knock

Don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkuwe/if_you_get_an_email_with_the_subject_knockknock/
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I recently heard about a submarine that recycles an astonishing 95% of its junk.

I personally think this sub is doing even better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkust/i_recently_heard_about_a_submarine_that_recycles/
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[blonde] A blonde woman and her boyfriend were sitting in the back yard.

A pigeon flew over them and pooped on his head.  "Get some toilet paper" he said.  "What for?" the blonde asked.   "He must be half a mile away by now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkmoh/blonde_a_blonde_woman_and_her_boyfriend_were/
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On a beautiful lake in the middle of a forest...

is a small water strider minding its own business. Right above him, on a small branch sits a spider.
"Oh boy, I'm totally jumping down there and have that water strider for breakfast!" it thinks.
Right under the surface swims a fish. "Yummy, when the spider jumps down on the water strider, I'm gonna shoot up and eat them both!"
Close to the shore lurks a bear. "When the spider jumps down on the water strider, and the fish shoots out of the water, I'm gonna catch it midair and have a nice meal!"
On the other side of the lake patiently waits a hunter. "When the spider jumps down on the water strider, and the fish shoots up to eat them both, and the bear comes out to catch the fish, I'll shoot the bear!"
Next to the hunter sits a small, tiny mouse. "When the spider eats the water strider, and the fish the spider, and the bear the fish, and the hunter shoots the bear, he'll be distracted so I can steal the cheese sandwich from his bag.
Next to the mouse sneaks a cat. "When the spider gets the water strider, the fish the spider, the bear the fish, the hunter the bear, then the mouse will come out so I can catch it!"
All is thought and done. The spider jumps down and catches the water strider. Suddenly, the fish shoots up and catches them both, only to be caught midair by the bear. The hunter aims and shoots the bear. The mouse snatches the cheese. The cat runs to the mouse, trys to catch it, misses and falls straight into the lake.
The moral of the story?
The longer the foreplay, the wetter the pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkmmx/on_a_beautiful_lake_in_the_middle_of_a_forest/
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An elderly married couple goes to the state fair...

They've been going to this fair since the fifties. Some time in the late sixties-early seventies the fair started offering helicopter rides.
Year after year, Ethel would ask Lester "Honey, can we go on a helicopter ride?"
Being brought up during the Great Depression his reply was always "Honey, that ride is twenty dollars, and twenty dollars is twenty dollars."
This time, the man running the helicopter rides overhears the conversation and chimes in "Look, you two have been coming here year after year and never once have you taken a ride. Tell you what: I'll make you a deal. If I take you on a ride, and you can manage to stay silent the entire time, it's on the house."
Ethel exclaims "Oh please Lester! I can be quiet, and I know you can. Let's face it, we're both getting on in years, this could be our last chance!"
Lester relents, and agrees.
They climb into the helicopter and the pilot takes off. He does everything he can to get a reaction from the two. Going up, down, side to side... If you could do a barrel roll in a helicopter, he'd've done it. When their time is up, he starts letting the copter down and prepares to land, saying "I'm pretty impressed. I did things that even scared me, but you two didn't make a peep. Congratulations, this one's on me."
To which Lester replies "yeah, I almost said something when Ethel fell out, but twenty dollars is twenty dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkl5l/an_elderly_married_couple_goes_to_the_state_fair/
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Putting the cat out

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn't want the Uber driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.
A few minutes later he got into the Uber all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the car pulled away, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the Uber was deafening.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkh0c/putting_the_cat_out/
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Why shouldn't women date a construction worker?

All they do is screw, nut, and bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkbe6/why_shouldnt_women_date_a_construction_worker/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked guy?

How do you eat with that thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkadm/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_guy/
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Our maid told us that she was going to start working from home

She sent us a list of things to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk8qz/our_maid_told_us_that_she_was_going_to_start/
%
Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied.

I shit you knot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk7nv/probably_a_repost_however_yesterday_i_ate_two/
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Just like the "Freshman15", there are reports that this worldwide pandemic is causing some people to gain weight also.

It's called the "Covid-19".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk6dd/just_like_the_freshman15_there_are_reports_that/
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Mike and Pat

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'"
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I took her way out. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with an even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way the **** out there. Much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya....Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much, much further than the last two times. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and...She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! And I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk4o4/mike_and_pat/
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Pirate Captain: I need a catch phrase

######First Mate [contemplating whether to murder his captain with a knife or his pieces of wood]:
shiv or me timbers...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk4n9/pirate_captain_i_need_a_catch_phrase/
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A plane with five passengers on board is about to crash. There are only four parachutes. The passengers include Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau, and a young schoolboy.

Trump reaches for a parachute, saying "I have to get out of here alive. If America has no leader, the whole world will fall into chaos!"
Trudeau slaps his hand away. "That's no way to behave. We're all heads of democracies here, we should solve this democratically. Besides, Canada needs a leader much more than the US does."
"You're both nuts." Macron interjects. "We don't have anyone to represent us, which is important, seeing as to how we're all the heads of *republics*. Besides, France is more important than either of your countries."
"Germany is the leader of the free world." Merkel replies. "If I'm gone, there is no free world. So I should get a parachute."
The schoolboy clears his throat. "I-"
"Not now, kid. Germany, the head of the free world? I've never heard a more bold-faced lie in all my life!"
"You ought to know, you've told enough of them."
"Gentlemen, please, this is very simple. We're all leaders, we'll just all take a parachute and leave the kid."
"*Lady* and gentlemen."
"Whatever. So who's first?"
"Me, of course."
"No, me!"
"Over my dead body!"
"You want to arrange that?"
"I'll have you know, that means war! You don't want to fight us!"
"Yeah? We'll see about-"
*BOOM*
The kid, hanging on from his parachute, watches as the plane crashes into the ground, the politicians still squabbling inside. "I tried to tell them." He thinks aloud to himself. "The number of times I've been through this gag, of course I brought my own."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjusp/a_plane_with_five_passengers_on_board_is_about_to/
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I'm pretty sure the coronavirus has got me turning into a dog.

I lie around the house all day, my main method of exercise is walking around the neighborhood, and the mailman coming by is one of the most exciting parts of my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjo1c/im_pretty_sure_the_coronavirus_has_got_me_turning/
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In response to being quarantined I'm giving up drinking for an entire month .

Edit, missed some punctuation.
I'm giving up. Drinking for an entire month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjk8b/in_response_to_being_quarantined_im_giving_up/
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I met a feminist in a bar

She told me about the Dwayne Johnson rule were I can only say something I would say to Dwayne Johnson
Do 2 minutes into the conversation is said
“Your chest is fucking epic”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjdq5/i_met_a_feminist_in_a_bar/
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I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjdir/i_was_walking_through_the_park_when_these_two/
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My parents are the funniest people in the world

They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpj3f0/my_parents_are_the_funniest_people_in_the_world/
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I don't think holocaust jokes are funny. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.

He was so drunk, he fell off the watchtower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpj12n/i_dont_think_holocaust_jokes_are_funny_my/
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What's the difference between a knife and a girl in a argument ?

The knife has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpip5s/whats_the_difference_between_a_knife_and_a_girl/
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My friend Chance told me this one.

A young couple was dealing with unsuccessful pregnancies. Wanting to have a baby, they went to a sperm bank. The woman at the reception desk handed the man a bottle and said "Come back tomorrow with the bottle filled, and we'll see if you're infertile or not."
The next day, the couple came back with the bottle, but it was empty. When the man handed the bottle to the woman at the desk, she said "Why is the bottle empty?"
The man said "Welp, I tried with my left hand. Then, I tried with my right hand. My wife even tried with her mouth, and even that couldn't get the damn bottle open!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpio8q/my_friend_chance_told_me_this_one/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpib8p/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphsgb/on_the_first_night_of_their_honeymoon_the_new/
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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.
Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
"Check for squirrel." he responds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphm7u/jane_always_had_a_certain_attraction_to_tarzan_so/
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My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.

But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphm6i/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_dont_get_off_of_the/
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Businessman: How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?

Agent: Do you mean a choir?
Businessman: Fine! How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphjqa/businessman_how_much_does_it_cost_to_buy_a_large/
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A blonde went to the library

Blonde: Hi, I would like to order a chicken salad.
Librarian: Excuse me, but this is a library.
Blonde: (lower her voice) I would like to order a chicken salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphdyz/a_blonde_went_to_the_library/
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I found a couple of disturbing pornographic drawings that my children did, so I threw them in the fire.

But I kept the drawings for future reference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphdpt/i_found_a_couple_of_disturbing_pornographic/
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why aren't star wars jokes popular?

.
.
.
.
they are usually quite *forced*
(just like this one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphb79/why_arent_star_wars_jokes_popular/
%
Who got all of the toilet paper at the store?

>!Assholes.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fph03y/who_got_all_of_the_toilet_paper_at_the_store/
%
Just ordered a Chinese takeaway

It was delivered by this little chinese guy,
I opened the door before he got there and he started yelling "ISOLATE! ISOLATE!"
I said "don't worry about it, i only ordered it 20 minutes ago"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpgzi0/just_ordered_a_chinese_takeaway/
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A meeting between all Catholic priests was held the other day, but the topic of altar boys was never brought up.

I guess they’ll touch on that later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpgqnt/a_meeting_between_all_catholic_priests_was_held/
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Seniors during quarantine

I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpg7np/seniors_during_quarantine/
%
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be Bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfpw5/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
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Why are all Jewish men circumcized?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfocr/why_are_all_jewish_men_circumcized/
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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green, and steps aside.
The third guy steps up and can't help but escalate with praise for his own son, "That's pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He's a chip off the old block. He's a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He's doing so well that the last woman he was dating he up and just gave her a freaking boat!". He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy.
The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son's accomplishments, "Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He's a top ranked national realtor and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he's been dating an entire freaking house!" He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees.
The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up the last guy shout to him, "What about you? You didn't say anything before you shot... don't you have something to share about your son?"
The bashfully dips his head a little and replies, "I don't understand my son. I love him and I'm happy he's happy. He's a cross-dresser, he's gay, and works as a male escort..." They all get quiet for a moment before he continues, "He must be good though - just this year his top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new fuckin' house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfjw1/four_older_gentlemen_are_out_golfing_sharing/
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My circle of friends is finally expanding

I haven't gained any, we are just standing further apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfjka/my_circle_of_friends_is_finally_expanding/
%
Why did the horse cross the road?

I don't know, he left before I could ask equestrian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfhfg/why_did_the_horse_cross_the_road/
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After 5 years of marriage

the wife finds £7,500 in cash and 4 eggs on top of the wardrobe.
Intrigued she asked the husband the meaning of it.
Husband: Well since we got married I've put one egg up there for every time you annoy me.
Chuffed that in all of 5 years the husband had collected only 4 eggs the wife asks about the £7,500.
Husband: Every time I have a dozen I sell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpf10t/after_5_years_of_marriage/
%
At the museum my wife: Do you think we’re allowed to take pictures?

Me: No. I think they need to stay on the
wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpefkk/at_the_museum_my_wife_do_you_think_were_allowed/
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A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpe5ev/a_criminal_is_to_be_executed_by_electric_chair/
%
Who names these viruses?

Yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpe49x/who_names_these_viruses/
%
The best thing about Japanese porn

is they censor it so I can watch it with my family \^\_\^

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdvse/the_best_thing_about_japanese_porn/
%
My body has absorbed so much soap and water, hand sanitizer & disinfectant....

... that when I pee I clean the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdvkk/my_body_has_absorbed_so_much_soap_and_water_hand/
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Why does Russia have so little Covid-19 cases compared to other major countries?

They got banned from the competition by the WHO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdf9a/why_does_russia_have_so_little_covid19_cases/
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Old Biker

Gruff old biker walks into a roadside dive.
Sign behind the bar says Beer $2.50
Cheeseburger $4.00
Hand-job $12.00
Biker motions for the lady working the counter to come over.
(Biker) "You the one giving hand-jobs?"
(Lady behind bar) "I sure am."
(Biker) "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdclf/old_biker/
%
They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdc6a/they_say_you_should_sing_happy_birthday_when/
%
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpd7jv/i_saved_a_bunch_of_money_on_my_car_insurance_by/
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Why doesn't Antarctica have any cases of coronavirus?

Because they are self-ICE-olated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpd3a4/why_doesnt_antarctica_have_any_cases_of/
%
A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpcm1d/a_radio_station_in_ireland_is_taking_calls_to/
%
Why was the Ebola virus joke not as good as the Corona Virus Joke?

Because less people got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpc6e3/why_was_the_ebola_virus_joke_not_as_good_as_the/
%
Smart pills

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa
There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.
The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"
Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."
Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and said, "Ugh, those taste like crap, grandpa!"
Grandpa says, "See you're getting smarter already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpc61g/smart_pills/
%
I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"

She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpc1mf/i_said_to_my_wife_when_i_die_id_like_to_die/
%
Two deer walked out of a gay bar, one said to the other.....

I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbnin/two_deer_walked_out_of_a_gay_bar_one_said_to_the/
%
What's another name for half a second?

A first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbf9i/whats_another_name_for_half_a_second/
%
Billy’s tractor

One day, farmer Joe goes over to his friend’s house looking for him. He knocked on the door but Billy doesn’t answer. He starts to hear some music playing from Billy’s barn, so he goes to check it out. He opens the door to the barn to see Billy, butt naked, dancing around his John Deere tractor.
Joe: “Billy? What in the heck are you doin’?”
Billy: “It’s a long story Joe, I’m doing this for my wife.”
Joe: “Why does she want you to do this?”
Billy: “Well, she didn’t ask me to. We’ve been havin’ some issues so we went to that couples therapy thing.”
Joe: “What does this have to do with couples therapy?”
Billy: “Well see, the therapist told me I needed to do something to spark things up. He suggested I do something sexy to attract her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbdgi/billys_tractor/
%
Giving

Jane had heard you can make some extra money donating blood.  On her lunch break she went on down to the donation centre near her office to give it a go for the first time.   After donating and while at the counter to get payment she noticed the man to her left was being paid $100, while she was only receiving $15 for her blood.
"Can I ask why that man was paid $85 more than me?" Jane asked the attendant.  "Well...." replied the attendant "we are not just a blood bank but also a sperm bank and one of the most highly regarded in the city.  if the sperm is from the right type of donor, for example dark hair, over 6 foot tall and has a college degree then we will actually pay $100."
"That's so interesting... I never even new that was a thing" thanked Jane as she was leaving.
Later that afternoon Jane came back into the centre and made her way to the front desk, the attendant was still working and recognised her from their earlier chat.  "Hey, back again so soon?" he asked.  "Mmm hmmm" nodded Jane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbaw7/giving/
%
If you’re dating a guy and you see the banner of the Soviet Union hanging on his wall, leave him!

That’s a big red flag!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbai3/if_youre_dating_a_guy_and_you_see_the_banner_of/
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Paranoia has reached absurd stages...

I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb7ni/paranoia_has_reached_absurd_stages/
%
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb60z/an_old_grandma_brings_a_bus_driver_a_bag_of/
%
Little Johnny pokes Jenny

A teacher asks the students the following questions
"Who created the universe?"
Johnny, who's sitting behind Jenny, pokes her with a pencil.
Jenny exclaims "Oh, God!!"
Teacher says "Excellent, Jenny".
The teacher then asks again, "Who was the son of God?"
Johnny pokes Jenny again and she shrieks "Oh, Jesus"
Teacher, happy with Jenny asks her another question, "What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their 17th child?"
Johnny pokes Jenny again, but this time Jenny outrageously shouts "If you put that thing inside me again, I'll break it in two and put it in your nose".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb4ft/little_johnny_pokes_jenny/
%
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb1ft/im_so_bored_sitting_at_home_that_i_decided_to/
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Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.
As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind.
In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaxzr/blind_pilots/
%
A boy complaining to his father...

You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpawv6/a_boy_complaining_to_his_father/
%
They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer...

*coughs*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaqwb/they_say_keep_your_friends_close_but_your_enemies/
%
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaq36/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_won_the_lottery_would/
%
A married couple was in a terrible accident...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpamfa/a_married_couple_was_in_a_terrible_accident/
%
What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?

OLAY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpam1f/what_moisturizer_do_spanish_bullfighters_use/
%
My wife is socially distancing me...

Just to be safe, she started it in 2008.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpalhm/my_wife_is_socially_distancing_me/
%
Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives.

So I looked through the house to find all the things I’ve started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz.
Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpal47/heard_a_dr_on_tv_say_to_get_through_the_boredom/
%
What has 4 legs and goes "Aaaaah"

Sheep with no lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpajfl/what_has_4_legs_and_goes_aaaaah/
%
You know why divorce is so expensive?

Because it's worth it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaibc/you_know_why_divorce_is_so_expensive/
%
Plumber

There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said stop your plumbing, I hear someone coming.
The plumber still plumbing said IT'S ME!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpadsy/plumber/
%
Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpactb/why_i_fired_my_secretary/
%
What do 9 out of 10 men enjoy?

A gangbang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaboy/what_do_9_out_of_10_men_enjoy/
%
A Texan cattle rancher was in New Zealand

and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of the South Island. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Kiwi a question. The conversation went thus:
Texan - “So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to the other”.
Kiwi – “about 3 hours to walk from one end to the other”
Texan – “If I get in my car to drive from one end of my ranch to the other, it’ll take me a day”
Kiwi, after some pause for thought – “Yeah Bro, I used to have a car like that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpa9zx/a_texan_cattle_rancher_was_in_new_zealand/
%
It’s the end of the world as we know it

Because “I feel fine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpa83m/its_the_end_of_the_world_as_we_know_it/
%
I would make a Coronavirus joke

But I don’t want you guys to get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpa7vh/i_would_make_a_coronavirus_joke/
%
A hunter goes in the wild to hunt for a bear.

He´s slowly walking through the wood when he spots one. He aims at the bear and shoots, but he misses. The bear notices him, quicly runs to him and says "you son of a bitch" before fucking him in the ass.
The hunter spends a week in the hospital and decides to go back and finish the job, only this time, he takes a machine gun with him to do it. He finds the bear again, he aims at him.....but  the machinegun jams. The bear notices him, quickly runs to him and rapes him again.
Now he has to spend a month in the hospital. He decides to go back and finally do this thing. He buys a rocket launcher, climbs up a hunting tower in the woods and just patiently waits for the bear. Finally he sees him. He takes the rocket launcher, aims at the bear and shoots....the bear sees the rocket coming, he just moves his head a little, dodging the rocket which explodes behind him. He climbs up the hunting tower, his dick hard again he takes a good look at the hunter and says
"hey....you don´t come here to actually hunt, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9z6f/a_hunter_goes_in_the_wild_to_hunt_for_a_bear/
%
If coronavirus doesn't take you out, can I?

Cause you are to die for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9xx6/if_coronavirus_doesnt_take_you_out_can_i/
%
Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.
Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.
They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.
“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I've come for some courage.”
”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”
Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.”
”Done,” says the Wizard.
“Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”
Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.”
”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”
There is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?”
”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9x0g/four_former_us_presidents/
%
Finally Prince Charles has been coronated

by a virus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9nkr/finally_prince_charles_has_been_coronated/
%
Struck up a conversation with a spider today at home while dusting.

Seems nice. He's a web designer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9n4y/struck_up_a_conversation_with_a_spider_today_at/
%
Marriage is like a deck of cards..

...You start with two hearts and a diamond, but later in the hand you'll be wishing for a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9mxw/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/
%
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9mmh/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_joke/
%
A blonde goes to the dry cleaners

She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9jyp/a_blonde_goes_to_the_dry_cleaners/
%
Covid 19 is like Jeffery Epstein.

It doesn't kill itself.  Wash your damn hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9ju7/covid_19_is_like_jeffery_epstein/
%
My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9dbv/my_dentist_reminded_me_of_my_wifes_sensitive_gag/
%
I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today

Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp95rl/i_got_one_of_them_anti_bullying_bracelets_today/
%
I saw two kids fighting over the last roll of toilet paper and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp8s7h/i_saw_two_kids_fighting_over_the_last_roll_of/
%
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and the Mom asks him to lead the family in saying grace. So the boy complied and starts praying, and praying, and praying. After a while the daughter leans over and quietly says to him “I had no idea you were so religious,” to which the boy replies, “I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp8l8o/a_17_year_old_male_walks_into_a_drug_store/
%
How do you go from 3D to 4D?

Just give it time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp8e5d/how_do_you_go_from_3d_to_4d/
%
I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19

Looks like he got coronated at last!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp89g3/i_heard_that_prince_charles_tested_positive_for/
%
“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible”

“Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp85fp/doctor_theres_a_patient_on_line_1_that_says_hes/
%
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said,

“OK, you’re ugly too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp83io/my_doctor_called_me_fat_i_told_him_i_wanted_a/
%
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device.

The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp82vi/a_woman_goes_into_labor_with_her_child_the_doctor/
%
What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp80l3/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_his/
%
So two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

The other guy calls 911 immediately and says
“Help! I think my friend is dead!”
The operator says “okay first let’s make sure he’s actually dead”
The phone goes silent for a second before a gunshot is heard
The hunter says “okay what now?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7xml/so_two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of/
%
Self isolation experiments

Do you know if you rest a testicles on top a beer bottle and put a naked flame under the bottle eventually it’ll pop in? If you did know that and know how to get it back out message me.... urgently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7xk0/self_isolation_experiments/
%
My girlfriend is like √-100

A perfect 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7uuk/my_girlfriend_is_like_100/
%
I must have posted two dozen jokes about COVID-19 by now

but none of them have gone viral :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7lr9/i_must_have_posted_two_dozen_jokes_about_covid19/
%
How do you tell the difference between 'but' and 'butt'?

Butt's got tooties.
- by my 8 year old daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7k0z/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_but_and/
%
A homosexual, a professor, and a wizard walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Ah, Dumbledore! The usual?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7dcf/a_homosexual_a_professor_and_a_wizard_walk_into_a/
%
What's the difference between a suicidal bungee jumper and a professional one?

Where they tie the rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7awo/whats_the_difference_between_a_suicidal_bungee/
%
My wife is bisexual

She says bye when I ask her to have sex with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7avn/my_wife_is_bisexual/
%
What’s the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Your mom can’t take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp77yg/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_three/
%
what does a dyslexic, agonistic, insomniac do?

stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp70n9/what_does_a_dyslexic_agonistic_insomniac_do/
%
7 8 9.

7: <is about to eat 9>
7: Play some intense music to go with my food.
9: <plays The Final Countdown>
9 8 7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp6z29/7_8_9/
%
A slice of pie in Jamaica is 2.50 and 3.00 in the Bahamas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I'll leave now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp6yx2/a_slice_of_pie_in_jamaica_is_250_and_300_in_the/
%
How many dead bodies does it take to fix a light?

Must be more than 14, because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp6uja/how_many_dead_bodies_does_it_take_to_fix_a_light/
%
A man goes swimming in the ocean, but gets sucked out into the sea.

A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."
The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."
The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying "I have faith, God will save me.
The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replies "I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp69hu/a_man_goes_swimming_in_the_ocean_but_gets_sucked/
%
I promised my wife I wouldn’t drink anymore during quarantine.

I won’t drink any less either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp64w6/i_promised_my_wife_i_wouldnt_drink_anymore_during/
%
What do you call Bruce Lee by himself in quarantine?

Lone Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp64e1/what_do_you_call_bruce_lee_by_himself_in/
%
Capitalism has man exploiting man

With communism, it's the other way around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5ur5/capitalism_has_man_exploiting_man/
%
A man takes his sweet time at a urinal.

Once the man has finished, he forgets to zip up his fly, so he washes his hands and leaves the bathroom.
A woman saw him walking around with his fly open and says, “Sir, your garage door is open!”
The man looks down and chuckles as he zips it up. “Did you, by any chance, see a Range Rover in there?”
”No, just a Toyota with two flat tires.”
(I told the people of Cringetopia that I would reword a post here. Let’s see how bad this does.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5rxb/a_man_takes_his_sweet_time_at_a_urinal/
%
A man goes to his doctor

and says, “Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening.”
The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. “Tell me what you see there,” says the doctor and points.
"I see the Sun," answer the man.
The doctor turns to him and asks, “Sweet Jesus, how much further do you want to see?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5kr6/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor/
%
How can you tell if a mechanic has had sex?

His middle fingernail is clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5hwp/how_can_you_tell_if_a_mechanic_has_had_sex/
%
A man is at the bar drinking.

He's had a few to many and pukes on himself,he turns to his friend and says,
"my wife is going to kill me, she bought this shirt for me"
His friend says, "don't worry just put 10 bucks in your shirt pocket and tell her some drunk guy puked on you and he gave you 10 bucks because he felt bad about it."
So the man stumbles home and his wife is waiting up and says, "really?!, you are so drunk you puked on the shirt I bought for you!"
Man: "no no, I barely drank anything, a drunk guy puked on me and gave me this $10 to make up for it!"
Wife: "this is $20?"
Man: "yeah he shit my pants too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5fr9/a_man_is_at_the_bar_drinking/
%
I have dailysex

Dyslexia*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5eg7/i_have_dailysex/
%
A man gets drunk and sleeps naked in the forest

A little girl was picking mushrooms in the same forest. She counted: one, two, three, four, five, five, five...
The next day the man wakes up and thought to himself: damn, that felt good, i should get drunk and fall asleep naked in the forest again. And so he did.
A bear was picking mushrooms in the same forest. It counted: one, two, three, four, five, five, five, six.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5bwy/a_man_gets_drunk_and_sleeps_naked_in_the_forest/
%
"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp58ev/excuse_me_i_said_to_the_woman_sat_in_front_of_me/
%
How does Moses make his coffee?

HeBrews it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp52py/how_does_moses_make_his_coffee/
%
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel (NSFW)

On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”
“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
“I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
“Anything, Father.”
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
“Sister, would you mind if I touched them?”
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
“Yes, Sister?”
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
“I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe.
“Oh Father, may I touch it?”
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
“Is that true Father?”
"Yes, it is, Sister.”
“Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp526u/a_nun_and_a_priest_were_crossing_the_sahara/
%
What is a police officer's favourite colour?

Copper (my six year old is making up jokes again).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp50at/what_is_a_police_officers_favourite_colour/
%
I was shocked when the psychic told me that my father would pass away the very next day.

I was equally shocked the next day when the milkman had a heart attack at our door and died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4z4u/i_was_shocked_when_the_psychic_told_me_that_my/
%
The seven dwarfs were all in the bath feeling happy.

Happy never told anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4yne/the_seven_dwarfs_were_all_in_the_bath_feeling/
%
Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph?

Because at 69 they blow a rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4ydy/why_cant_gays_drive_faster_than_68mph/
%
I stopped by my one of my bee keeper friends' farm to buy a dozen bees.

When he counted out thirteen I said "that's too many". He said "that's a free bee".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4xhz/i_stopped_by_my_one_of_my_bee_keeper_friends_farm/
%
An interview to a marriage who never had a fight in almost 70 years

~ And why have you never had a fight in your marriage?
-It all started when we were getting married, we made the vows, we kissed and then we finished the wedding, then we went to a carriage on the way to our house for our honeymoon and the horse was a beautiful white color.
After walking for a while, the horse trips and my husband screams:
¡ONE!
I look at him in a weird manner  but then I do not take much importance
We keep walking for another 10 minutes and the horse stumbles again and my husband screams:
¡TWO!
I look at him worried but I still enjoy the trip. after almost a mile the horse stumbles again and my husband yells
¡THREE!
And he takes out a baseball bat from the back and hits the horse on the head 3 times, to which I react in a horrible way, and I say:
- How can you think of doing that, you are a bastard!
And I hear him scream:
¡ONE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4x5t/an_interview_to_a_marriage_who_never_had_a_fight/
%
What did Cola say to his buddy Mentos?

"You're overreacting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4iiq/what_did_cola_say_to_his_buddy_mentos/
%
What do you call 2+ police officers having sex?

Copulation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4iec/what_do_you_call_2_police_officers_having_sex/
%
There are three melon farmers with different marital statuses.

One has a wife and farms honeydew.
The second has a husband and sells watermelon.
The third cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4a6b/there_are_three_melon_farmers_with_different/
%
Did you hear about the mathematician that hates negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp49rb/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_that_hates/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they arrest the bulb for being broken and beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp49p9/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar

No joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp45ww/a_pun_a_play_on_words_and_a_limerick_walk_into_a/
%
What do you call a father without a car?

The walking dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp444j/what_do_you_call_a_father_without_a_car/
%
Polish Divorce

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so; and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland ."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "NO, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, 'Polish Remover.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3v9t/polish_divorce/
%
My little bird.. Enza

I once had a bird..
It's name was Enza.
Wanna know how i got it?
I opened the window.. anddddd..
In-Flew-Enza!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3ocd/my_little_bird_enza/
%
In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.

In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3lkv/in_2019_if_you_were_unemployed_and_stayed_home/
%
In America you cast your vote.

In India you vote your caste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3lkr/in_america_you_cast_your_vote/
%
What does a grape say when you step on it?

Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3ku7/what_does_a_grape_say_when_you_step_on_it/
%
A guy’s driving down the road when he sees three penguins on the side of the road.

He looks around and doesn’t see anyone around so he stops and picks them up. He’s driving down the road when a cop pulls him over. The cop looks in the car and sees the three penguins sitting on the front seat. He exclaims, “You’ve got three penguins in your car!”
The guy replies, I know! I just found them and don’t know what to do with them.”
The cop thinks about for a minute and says, “Take ‘em to the zoo.”
The guy thanks the cop and drives off.
The next day the guy’s driving down the road when the same cop pulls him over. The cop walks up to the car and looks in. The three penguins are still in the front seat, except now they’re wearing sunglasses and tiny baseball hats.
The cop says, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday!”
The guy replies, “I did! We had such a good time we’re going to the beach today!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3htd/a_guys_driving_down_the_road_when_he_sees_three/
%
How do you get a clown off a swing set?

Hit him in the face with an axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3erm/how_do_you_get_a_clown_off_a_swing_set/
%
Three girls die and go to heaven...

They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp33mn/three_girls_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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I was told to disinfect the things touch the most

So I did. Hopefully the burning ends soon and my boyfriend quits screaming soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp32iw/i_was_told_to_disinfect_the_things_touch_the_most/
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Why did the Banana go to the doctor?

Because he wasn’t peeling too good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp30xd/why_did_the_banana_go_to_the_doctor/
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If R-Kelly was a computer file

He'd be a .pdf file

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2y4m/if_rkelly_was_a_computer_file/
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What’s the difference between an egg and a beetroot ?

You can beat an egg but you can’t beat a root.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2xty/whats_the_difference_between_an_egg_and_a_beetroot/
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My Dad left to buy milk 7 years ago

He came back 15 minutes later but still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2mm5/my_dad_left_to_buy_milk_7_years_ago/
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I thought my blind neighbor started dating a guy

turns out she wasn’t seeing anyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2lvb/i_thought_my_blind_neighbor_started_dating_a_guy/
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2 sausages sizzling in a pan

One turns to the other and says, "It's pretty damn hot in here isn't it?"
The other screams "AHHHHH A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2l7v/2_sausages_sizzling_in_a_pan/
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So if this is what the Roaring 20s is supposed to be like.

I’mma go ahead and say the Silent Generation was being quiet for a reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2k7v/so_if_this_is_what_the_roaring_20s_is_supposed_to/
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Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?

Because Sheeran away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2hxo/why_doesnt_ed_have_a_girlfriend/
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I got pulled over by the police...

He came over to the window and said papers...I said SCISSORS! I WIN!!! and drove off...he must be desperate for a rematch as he’s been chasing me for the past couple hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2bwt/i_got_pulled_over_by_the_police/
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How do you circumcise a Redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp1ju4/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
I never trust chiropractors

They always talk behind your back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp1dzr/i_never_trust_chiropractors/
%
A mathematician says to his friend 'I bet I can stretch my mouth so its exactly 1m in radius

His friend replies 'shut your pi hole'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp1c7e/a_mathematician_says_to_his_friend_i_bet_i_can/
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Did you all hear about what's happening to the Energizer bunny?

He's being charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp171l/did_you_all_hear_about_whats_happening_to_the/
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Recess and cookies

An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess.
Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess?
Johnny: I played in the sandbox.
Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie.
Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie.
Teacher: Alright Suzie, what did you do?
Suzie: I played in the sandbox with Johnny.
Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "box" on the board, you get a cookie.
Suzie writes "box" and gets her cookie.
Teacher: Jamal, what did you do?
Jamal: Well, I tried to play with Johnny and Suzie, but they kicked sand in my face.
Teacher: Oh no, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write "blatant racial discrimination" on the board, you get a cookie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0vd9/recess_and_cookies/
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Ireland’s on lock down due to the virus!!

Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army.
They are given a rifle each and told...
“Listen up men! We are on the lookout for Virus Curfew offenders.
Martial law has been declared!
Anyone caught out after 6 PM ……….. it's SHOOT TO KILL”!!!
On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Paddy lets off 3 rounds and kills a man who is walking along the pavement!
Murphy shouts “JESUS PADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S ONLY 5.45 PM”!
Paddy replies:” I Know where he lives...... He’ll never fucking  make it home by 6!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0ppi/irelands_on_lock_down_due_to_the_virus/
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I think China finally got what they wanted.

They managed to coronise the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0nt5/i_think_china_finally_got_what_they_wanted/
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Have you ever heard of emo pizza?

You haven’t, well it’s the type that cuts itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0kas/have_you_ever_heard_of_emo_pizza/
%
Who caused the porpoise holocaust?

A dolphin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0ftp/who_caused_the_porpoise_holocaust/
%
Stop vaccinating your children!!

Let the doctor do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp059b/stop_vaccinating_your_children/
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Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change.

Mother Earth:  Hold My Beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozxmo/humans_there_is_absolutely_nothing_that_can_be/
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There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozwgo/theres_an_easy_trick_you_can_use_to_calculate/
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Title malone

Post Malone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozvcc/title_malone/
%
Me scheduling a a doctors appointment

Me: Hello i would like to schedule an appointment
Receptionits: Yeah just give me a second... How about 10 tommorrow
Me: No thanks, that's way too many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozpn6/me_scheduling_a_a_doctors_appointment/
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An immigrant mother finally got her Visa to visit her adult son in America.

It's been years since they've seen each other, and after he joyfully picks her up at the airport, he brings her to his home, where his two children are playing.
"Oh," the mother says. "One child is black... and the other is red-haired." She paused. "They must be adopted... I thought you said Tina was pregnant a while back..?"
The son laughed. "Oh, no, mom, they're definitely our kids. Both of ours."
"They are? How are you, uh..." she paused again, unable to believe her son wasn't *getting it.* "How are you sure they're yours?"
"Simple," the son said. "Tina and I procreated. When the baby came out red-haired, she said that she used to sit by the window and watch red-haired construction workers across the street, and that's why the baby turned out red-haired. A year later, when she got pregnant, she was sitting by the window and saw a black mailman delivering mail across the street, so naturally, the kid came out black."
The mother nodded her head. "Yes, I see now. When I had just gotten married, living on the farm with your father, I used to sit by the window and watch a jackass roam about the farm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozgz7/an_immigrant_mother_finally_got_her_visa_to_visit/
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What do you call diarrhea that you get from Dominos?

Pizza-rrhea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozfji/what_do_you_call_diarrhea_that_you_get_from/
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What do you call it when a poop makes you groan like, "Aaaaaaeeeeeeeeeooooo!"

A vowel movement.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozdpj/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_poop_makes_you_groan/
%
2020

Directed by Trenton Quarentino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozbh6/2020/
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Love in the time of Coronavirus

I said, "The scent you're wearing is beautiful."
She said, "Thanks, it is my hand sanitizer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foz55h/love_in_the_time_of_coronavirus/
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Sneezes just went from bless you to fuck you real quick.

Achoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foz33q/sneezes_just_went_from_bless_you_to_fuck_you_real/
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A woman at a bar told me she treats job interviews like dates

“Oh, because it has to be the right fit for both parties and it’s important to be honest?” I asked.
“No, I’m a prostitute”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foz303/a_woman_at_a_bar_told_me_she_treats_job/
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Prince Charles diagnosed with Covid-19. Camilla has been cleared

Apparently horses can’t get the virus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foyng9/prince_charles_diagnosed_with_covid19_camilla_has/
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Woman

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me." Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy french nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foymk8/woman/
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The only time my wife will yell deeper - deeper

Is when they will be lowering my coffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foy0om/the_only_time_my_wife_will_yell_deeper_deeper/
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Dads are like boomerangs

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foxz1z/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
My Cocaine Is So White

Police Let It Go With A Warning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foxfm5/my_cocaine_is_so_white/
%
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

The Second-Hand Store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fox2t7/where_did_captain_hook_buy_his_hook/
%
From friend, to girlfriend, to fiance, and now wife!

I've been doing a lot of driving today!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowwat/from_friend_to_girlfriend_to_fiance_and_now_wife/
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowsr4/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
%
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowp8d/i_have_just_started_a_sexual_relationship_with_a/
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What's the difference between an artist's folder and a diseased fortress?

One's a portfolio, the other is Fort Polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowo6r/whats_the_difference_between_an_artists_folder/
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Whoever said that one man cannot change the world

Has never eaten a bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow90y/whoever_said_that_one_man_cannot_change_the_world/
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A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon

One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.
When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely stuck. So they decided to call the doctor.
The doctor came, but couldn't get her off the floor, either. So he suggested calling a tiler.
The tiler came and quickly offered a solution: "We have to break the tile she's on."
"NO WAY, " the husband yelled - "those tiles are 100 dollars a piece. There must be another way?".
"Well," said the tiler. "You could kiss and caress her all over her body."
"Will that free her?" the husband wondered.
no, but then we can slide her into the kitchen, where your tiles are only $2.50 a piece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow34h/a_young_woman_had_a_habit_of_doing_naked/
%
What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow1bp/what_has_two_butts_and_kills_people/
%
My girlfriend treats my dick like COVID-19

She didn't care about it until I gave it to her mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow0g2/my_girlfriend_treats_my_dick_like_covid19/
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We went from "okay, boomer"..

to "you okay, boomer?" in like a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fovylp/we_went_from_okay_boomer/
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What's Donald Trump giving up for Lent this year?

Your grandparents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fovnhc/whats_donald_trump_giving_up_for_lent_this_year/
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Being on lockdown together has made my wife and me really conscious of how competitive we are. We've been having a good laugh about it!

(I laugh more than she does, though.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fovjbm/being_on_lockdown_together_has_made_my_wife_and/
%
What do you do with a sick chemist?

First you try helium,then try curium,but if that doesn't work.You barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fov9y3/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
%
Why will Pornhub not crash when Netflix does?

It is experienced with big loads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fov3pl/why_will_pornhub_not_crash_when_netflix_does/
%
Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open

17 are frozen and he doesn't know where the music is coming from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fourds/joe_biden_is_like_a_web_browser_with_19_tabs_open/
%
You know the industry hit hardest by coronavirus?

Home invasion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fouky9/you_know_the_industry_hit_hardest_by_coronavirus/
%
What is Harry Potter's way of getting down a hill?

Walking
Jk. rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fouf5s/what_is_harry_potters_way_of_getting_down_a_hill/
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When the DJ plays "Macarena", I do the Macarena

when the DJ plays "Hokey Pokey", I do the Hokey Pokey. When the DJ plays "Come on Eileen". I get arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fou4p5/when_the_dj_plays_macarena_i_do_the_macarena/
%
I can talk to animals!

Such a shame they have no idea what I'm saying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fou1pu/i_can_talk_to_animals/
%
What do whales do during Social Distancing?

Netflix and Krill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fou0un/what_do_whales_do_during_social_distancing/
%
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foty85/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
At a clothing store, I came across some fancy shirts with "CORONA" printed on them

There were just a few Casual Tees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foty3a/at_a_clothing_store_i_came_across_some_fancy/
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What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?

An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foturk/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_a_vest_on_an/
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What do you call a fake koi fish?

A dekoi...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fotugg/what_do_you_call_a_fake_koi_fish/
%
Four farmers are feeding their chickens

The first farmer asks, "So, how do y'all like your chicken?"
The second farmer says, "I like mine roasted with some herbs and spices."
The third farmer says, "I like mine deep fried with some biscuits and gravy."
The fourth farmer takes out a bag of marijuana and feeds it to his chickens.
The other three stare at him and say nothing.
He eventually notices the staring and says, "What? I like my chicken baked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fotm9p/four_farmers_are_feeding_their_chickens/
%
I went to the supermarket to get some beer...

And I came back with a case of Corona

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fotl8k/i_went_to_the_supermarket_to_get_some_beer/
%
A Blonde and A lawyer.

A lawyer and a blonde are waiting at the airport next to each other.  The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game of Find the Answer.  The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.  The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.  " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.  The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."  This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.  "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"  The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.  He searches on the airport wifi, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.  After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fot93m/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer/
%
In democracy your vote counts.

But in feudalism, your Count votes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fot245/in_democracy_your_vote_counts/
%
How many of the pennies in a roll of pennies have a Lincoln face?

It's actually one per cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foszfs/how_many_of_the_pennies_in_a_roll_of_pennies_have/
%
Men are a lot like infants.

If you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosyjy/men_are_a_lot_like_infants/
%
What sound does a Chinese cat make?

mao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosw08/what_sound_does_a_chinese_cat_make/
%
My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fostaj/my_2020_new_years_resolution_was_to_reduce_my/
%
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson

My pronouns are He/Hee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosje1/i_sexually_identify_as_michael_jackson/
%
As a blind man, I've a hard time eating fish..

I can't seafood..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosg0h/as_a_blind_man_ive_a_hard_time_eating_fish/
%
Prince Charles is in isolation with Covid - 19

His brother Andrew is in isolation with Bethany - 14

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/forwh4/prince_charles_is_in_isolation_with_covid_19/
%
If I could describe myself in one word...

It would be "bad at following directions".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/forswb/if_i_could_describe_myself_in_one_word/
%
Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet.  Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”
Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”
“We send them at night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foromq/trump_decides_he_is_going_to_reinvigorate_the/
%
NEVER ALL AT ONCE

A farmer had a three-legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.
“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.
“Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbor drawled.
“No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!”
“So that’s how he lost his leg”, stated the neighbor.
“No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed.
Exasperated, the neighbor demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?” and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foril5/never_all_at_once/
%
Two unattractive women walk into a bar

and order drinks.
While preparing the drinks, the bartender notes their accent and asks
"Are you two ladies from England?"
In a less than friendly tone one of them mutters "Wales"
So the bartender apologizes and re-asks his question
"I'm sorry, are you two whales from England?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/for6m3/two_unattractive_women_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A guy and a girl were on their 1st date.

Girl: "So what do you do?"
Guy: "I own a mining business."
Girl: "What do you mine?"
Guy: "I mine my own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/for46o/a_guy_and_a_girl_were_on_their_1st_date/
%
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow...

Too soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqy2z/people_are_making_apocalypse_jokes_like_theres_no/
%
Did you hear that Prince Charles has tested positive for the Coronavirus?

After all these years he's finally been coronated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqplp/did_you_hear_that_prince_charles_has_tested/
%
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
The prudish son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqp04/there_once_was_a_man_who_owned_a_sausage_factory/
%
Don't forget to keep everything in your dairy/pantry a few inches apart...

... We are supposed to be shelf isolating!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqopt/dont_forget_to_keep_everything_in_your/
%
What's the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqh11/whats_the_difference_between_jimmy_fallon_and/
%
A bunch of teenagers TP'd my house last night

It's now appraised at $750,000.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqgs5/a_bunch_of_teenagers_tpd_my_house_last_night/
%
There is no toilet paper

So I’ve got to use newspaper...
The Times are rough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqf41/there_is_no_toilet_paper/
%
“John, would you be so kind as to fetch me a glass of water?”

“Right away, Sir.”
“Here you go, Sir.”
“Thank you!… Oh, John!”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Bring me another glass of water, will you?”
“Of course, Sir.”
“Here it is, Sir.”
“Many thanks, John!”
“John!”
“Sir?”
“I’m afraid I shall need another glass of water.”
“But, Sir, so much water might not be so good for you.”
“John, the water is not for me, can you not see the library is on fire?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq9vd/john_would_you_be_so_kind_as_to_fetch_me_a_glass/
%
2 condoms walk past a gay bar..

One says to the other, 'wanna get shit faced?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq84e/2_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
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I wish my cake day was 11 days ago

I prefer pie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq57j/i_wish_my_cake_day_was_11_days_ago/
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I was stopped at a checkpoint and they asked for my ID.

Little did they know about my ego and superego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq4bg/i_was_stopped_at_a_checkpoint_and_they_asked_for/
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I'm a bit cross

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The Russians have said “Its not us”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq29i/im_a_bit_cross/
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I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq275/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words_to_me/
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Stomach Pains

A man goes to the doctor with sever pain in his stomach. The doctor looks him over and delivers the prognosis.
"Sir. You are infected with a very large tapeworm. It's larger than I've ever seen and I fear traditional medicine will not help you get rid of it. I know how to get rid of it, but you'll have to trust me because my method will sound a little unorthodox."
"Ok, Doc. What should we do?" says the man.
"Come back to my office tomorrow and bring with you a banana and a snickers bar."
The man looks confused but agrees. He returns the next day with the banana and a Snickers bar.
He is instructed to disrobe and bend over. The doctor then takes the banana, shoves it up the mans ass and waits 60 seconds. Then he takes the Snickers bar and shoves it up the man's ass and waits 60 seconds.
"Ok sir. Come back tomorrow at the same time with the same items."
The next day, the man returns and the doctor repeats the same procedure. This goes on for 5 more days until the man is about to break.
"Doctor! Please! How long must we do this for?"
The Doctor apologizes for the man's discomfort but reassures him that tomorrow will be his last appointment. He said to come back at the same time but this time to bring a banana, a Snickers bar and a hammer.
"A hammer?" says the man, shaking.
"Yes. Just trust me." say the Doctor.
The next day the man returns with the banana, the Snickers and the hammer. The doctor asks him again to disrobe and bend over and proceeds to shove the banana up the man's ass. He waits 60 seconds.....120 seconds......3 minutes......5 minutes.
"Well doctor? Are you going to use the snickers?"
"Just be patient." Says the doctor.
Just then, the worm pops his head out of the man's ass and says "Where the hell is my Snickers?" and the doctor grabs the hammer and SMASHES HIM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopvvf/stomach_pains/
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Prince Charles diagnosed with COVID-19

The queen will have a receding heir line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopu34/prince_charles_diagnosed_with_covid19/
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Peanuts as present

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.
15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This happens about five more times. The bus driver finally decides to ask her, “Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?” She replied and said “We have no teeth so we aren't able to chew them.”
Confused, he asks, “If you can't chew them, why do you buy them?” She replied “We get them just for the chocolate around them. We love it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopolc/peanuts_as_present/
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Therapist asks the patient, "What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?"

"Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead", they answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foplcf/therapist_asks_the_patient_what_would_you_say_to/
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All countries eventually got coronavirus

But China got it right off the bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopdvz/all_countries_eventually_got_coronavirus/
%
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopazq/ive_finally_worked_out_why_spain_is_so_good_at/
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Whats the Difference between coronavirus and me ?

People pay attention to coronavirus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopatr/whats_the_difference_between_coronavirus_and_me/
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My dad's a legend

Like a real legend. People talk about him but I've never seen him myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopa02/my_dads_a_legend/
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A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly? asked the doctor.
The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying,"Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.
"On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, “What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop87p/a_man_went_to_the_doctors_office_to_get_a_double/
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My wife asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.

I said yes, but it was an accident.
How can you accidentally piss in the shower? She asked.
Well I said, it sometimes happens when I take a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop27w/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_had_ever_pissed_in_the/
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When life gives you melons

You’re dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop1qy/when_life_gives_you_melons/
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Why do they spell it "honour" and "favour" in the United Kingdom?

Because Rick Astley is British.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop1ai/why_do_they_spell_it_honour_and_favour_in_the/
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I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foow9r/i_bumped_into_an_old_school_friend_today/
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Irish drinking

A group of American tourists came in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, -"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
Forty minutes later, the Irishman who had left returned and said, -"Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
-"Sure!"- said the American, -"20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000."
-"Grand!"- replied the Irishman, -"So pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
-"OK, Yank, pay up."- said the Irishman.
-"I'm happy to pay, here's your money."-
said the American. -"But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?”
-"Well mate,"- replied the Irishman, -"$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foos6k/irish_drinking/
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Hey guys, I don't know how to cheer up my cannibal friend.

He recently dumped his girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fooq11/hey_guys_i_dont_know_how_to_cheer_up_my_cannibal/
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Little Johnny Walked into his dad's bedroom [NSFW]

one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny’s father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously “What ya doin dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed”, to which Little Johnny replied “What ya gonna do, fuck him?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foojyi/little_johnny_walked_into_his_dads_bedroom_nsfw/
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A man goes to the circus.

After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.
"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.
\-"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.
\-"Pssh, a lot of people can do that".
\-"Oh well", the man says and flies away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo9m1/a_man_goes_to_the_circus/
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I think my wife is performing in a musical behind my back...

I asked to see it but she just gave me song and dance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo5kz/i_think_my_wife_is_performing_in_a_musical_behind/
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A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh no ma’am, I’m not using profanity. Dam Ham is what we call the especially delicious filets we get from the big trout caught down by the dam.” The woman apologizes for the misunderstanding, buys the filet, and goes home.
Later that evening, her husband comes home from work and asks, “What is that Heavenly smell?” “Thats Dam Ham,” she replies. “Honey! What would the congregation think if they knew their pastor’s wife was speaking in such a way?” “Oh no honey, I would never!” She responds “They call it Dam Ham because it’s a special filet from one of the big trout caught down by the dam.” She finishes dinner and they sit down at the table with their two beautiful children. They join hands and say grace. The husband carves the meat, takes some for himself, then passes the plate to his son. After taking his first bite, the husband says, “Honey, you’ve really outdone yourself. This Dam Ham is delicious!
“Right on, Dad!” The son says “Now could you pass the fucking potatoes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo20j/a_pastors_wife_walks_into_a_butcher_shop/
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What normal bird has the strength to lift a steel beam?

A crane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo1od/what_normal_bird_has_the_strength_to_lift_a_steel/
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They say God grants wishes

... but they omit the fact that we have go there to receive our wish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foni66/they_say_god_grants_wishes/
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Of course I touch myself when I think about you

It is called face palm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foncfg/of_course_i_touch_myself_when_i_think_about_you/
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I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine.

Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata.
(Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fon7jm/i_need_a_recommendation_for_a_good_breakfast_wine/
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My daughter won't tell me about her date with a Norse god...

She's keeping it Loki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomxit/my_daughter_wont_tell_me_about_her_date_with_a/
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A woman dies and goes up to heaven

But as soon as she arrives she finds lots of people baking furiously outside the gates.
She walks up to St Peter and asks him why everyone is baking and no one is going inside.
“Did you not know? Cake gets you karma”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomlqm/a_woman_dies_and_goes_up_to_heaven/
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What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

Chicken caesar salad........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomjh7/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_staring_at_a_lettuce/
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How does a Dolphin get his lady into missionary position?

Flipper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomch0/how_does_a_dolphin_get_his_lady_into_missionary/
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What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomc74/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/
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What did the custodian say when they jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fombtw/what_did_the_custodian_say_when_they_jumped_out/
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A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”

The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?”
The man replies, “Since about a month ago.”
The police officer is shocked, “What? A month?! Why on Earth are you coming only now?!”
“Well… I’ve no clothes to put on anymore.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fom5nd/a_man_walks_into_a_police_station_and_announces/
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What's the difference between criticism and constructive criticism?

One pisses you off and the other helps to piss you off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folykp/whats_the_difference_between_criticism_and/
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What is an immigrant’s favourite sport?

Cross-country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foltaa/what_is_an_immigrants_favourite_sport/
%
My friend said I'm starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman.

What a joker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foloz3/my_friend_said_im_starting_to_annoy_him_because_i/
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f you boil a funny bone

It becomes a laughing stock.
Now that's humerus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folhzm/f_you_boil_a_funny_bone/
%
What did the man with no hands get for his christmas gift?

Gloves. Just Joking.
He still hasn't opened the gift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folh8o/what_did_the_man_with_no_hands_get_for_his/
%
A mathematician and a physicist are asked to answer a math question:

Joe has 4000 burgers then he eats 4 burgers, how many burgers does Joe have left?
The matematician says: "well 4000-4=3996, so Joe has 3996 burgers left."
The physicist says: "well 4 is pretty small compared to 4000, so Joe has 4000 burgers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folfhi/a_mathematician_and_a_physicist_are_asked_to/
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What does a horny guillotine want

Head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foleo1/what_does_a_horny_guillotine_want/
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I was going to tell a dead baby joke,

but I decided to abort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foldzo/i_was_going_to_tell_a_dead_baby_joke/
%
Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.
Lizard Birth
If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed
him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying
on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them
to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a
pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered
at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron,
may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You
see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . .. . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent,absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . .."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foldme/lizzard/
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how do you make a creative Star Wars joke?

you have to think outside of the jarjar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fol96q/how_do_you_make_a_creative_star_wars_joke/
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What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?

You can have your cake and eat it too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokzhx/what_happens_when_no_one_comes_to_your_birthday/
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Where are those guys who told me I can earn 5k a month by sitting at home. We need to talk.

Sorry for ignoring you in the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokxlp/where_are_those_guys_who_told_me_i_can_earn_5k_a/
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God finds a genie lamp.

He wishes people would stop wishing to him. Genie says that's a hard one I'm gonna have to pray for some help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokpr6/god_finds_a_genie_lamp/
%
One day a Russian, A Chinese and a Filipino are on a boat.

The Russian takes out a gun and throws it off the boat.
The Chinese asks "Why did you throw that?"
The Russian replies "Don't worry we have many of those in motherland."
The Chinese then proceeds to throw a cellphone overboard.
The Russian asks "Why did you throw that?"
The Chinese replies "It's fine, we have a lot of those in China."
The Filipino then picks up the Chinese and throws him overboard.
The Russian screams "Why the hell did you do that?!"
The Filipino says "It's OK we have a lot of those in the Philippines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokdy0/one_day_a_russian_a_chinese_and_a_filipino_are_on/
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A good book is a lot like a cute puppy.

Easy to pick up, hard to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojxmc/a_good_book_is_a_lot_like_a_cute_puppy/
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Los Angeles Sherriff just recently ordered gun shops and strip clubs to close as they are deemed nonessential business as protection from spreading COVID19.

Good. I still have my Sex Pistols. Stay safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojxkx/los_angeles_sherriff_just_recently_ordered_gun/
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The answer is going to a grocery store during a pandemic

That's what I'd do for a Klondike bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojsfi/the_answer_is_going_to_a_grocery_store_during_a/
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My son wouldn't accept my bonsai tree gift, saying that it wasn't gender-neutral enough. Sadly, the incident gave me a small heart attack.

I'm fine, but I'll eventually need a trans plant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojh1w/my_son_wouldnt_accept_my_bonsai_tree_gift_saying/
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Three men go deer hunting.

They've been out there for hours before one of the men finally sees a buck.
He shoots the buck and they're tracking  its blood when one of the other guys says "we need to hurry i need to shit."
They proceed to take the dead buck back to camp and start gutting the deer. That's when the other guy said "fuck it, im just going to shit behind that tree. I cant hold it any more"
The two guys are sitting there cleaning the buck still and one of them say. "Hey lets put these guts under him so it looks like he shit his guts out" .
So they snuck over and put the guts under him while he's shitting without him noticing them and went back to wait for him.
About 30 - 45 mins later guy comes back saying "Y'all wont believe this, i think i shit my guts out! But with the grace of god and a big stick i got them back in there".
Sorry for the grammar im an illiterate hick on a phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojg8l/three_men_go_deer_hunting/
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I forgot I marinated the beef 3 days ago.

I think I put more thyme in it than I should.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojeh9/i_forgot_i_marinated_the_beef_3_days_ago/
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What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being young and naive falling for the one you believe to be your soulmate and spending so much time and effort to get in a relationship with them and when it finally happens you are happy but your partner isn’t, but they don’t actually show it, and it gets to the point where you are now married and have been living together for a year and are now she tells you she’s pregnant, so now you work extra hours and spent long nights planning on how you are going to give the support to the loves of your life and after many brutal months the baby comes out and you are in complete happiness for 15 seconds before you realize something is off, and that something is the baby, you then realize that it’s not yours and you pass out on the floor, everything goes black, everyone is in shock, you wake next to your “wife” and *your* “child” that you just spent so much time and money on, and she tries to explain it was an accident, it was a one time thing, but now you know, that she wasn’t happy all along, so you let her and the child go... you let them move away, but no, they don’t take any of the things you bought for the baby, anything you worked so hard for, for them, they leave you alone with nothing to live for.  But what is left is an apple, an apple that when you take a bite, you find half a worm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojdeg/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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1,732,582,439 and 1,732,582,440 got into a fight

1,732,582,441

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojddu/1732582439_and_1732582440_got_into_a_fight/
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The first contact between space aliens and humans

A space alien asks a human: "Why are so many of humans starving despite that there is plenty of food?"
"We don't have enough money."
"Why are so many humans homeless despite there being enough of homes?"
"We don't have enough money."
"Why are so many people ill despite that there are cures?"
"We don't have enough money."
"You know, maybe if scarcity of this mysterious resource that you call "money" is so big problem for you, then maybe our civilization could somehow help you to get more of it?"
"There is no need, we can print as much money as we want!"
"Okay, thanks for the conversation." Then the alien returns to its spaceship and reports to its boss that there is no sight of intelligent life on Earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojcp2/the_first_contact_between_space_aliens_and_humans/
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon"
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale,
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This one was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her chest.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um. equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long.
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojbwb/the_smiths_were_unable_to_conceive_children_and/
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Pretty soon we are going to grow fond of being trapped in our own homes, worrying about having enough supplies....

We are going to develop stock home syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojb8o/pretty_soon_we_are_going_to_grow_fond_of_being/
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I know the Corona virus isn’t my dad

Because it’s still here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foj82s/i_know_the_corona_virus_isnt_my_dad/
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An old pub had a dog called Rover

, who all the patrons loved. Unfortunately, one day Rover passed away. To honour the passing of their beloved dog, they cut off his tail and pinned it above the fireplace.
With this, Rover went up to doggy heaven where he was met at the pearly white gates by Saint Peter. As Rover approached the gates, Saint Peter says to him "I'm sorry Rover, I can't let you into doggy heaven unless you are complete. I must send you back down to earth to fetch your tail." Saint Peter then raised his arms and sent Rover back down to earth as a ghost.
By the time Rover reaches the old pub back on earth, it's about 2 am and the pub is shut. Eager to get into heaven, Rover starts barking outside. The landlord wakes up, opens his window, and looks outside at the ghostly dog and asks "Rover? Is that you boy?", "Yes, it is" replied Rover " I've come to get my tail as I am not allowed into heaven without it!" The landlord looks Rover in the eyes and says "I'm sorry boy, but you know the rules... We don't serve spirits after 12"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foj7wn/an_old_pub_had_a_dog_called_rover/
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Another day at the underwear store...

A man walks up to the counter. "Two pairs of underwear please." The man behind the counter looks at him in disbelief.
"Only two pairs of underwear?"
"Yup. I wear one while the other is in the wash."
The man behind the counter looks at him in disgust, then rings out his order.
A second man walks in. "5 pairs of underwear please."
"Only 5 eh?"
"Yeah, I wear one for every weekday, then go commando all the weekend."
The man behind the counter shakes his head. "Well, you're better then the last guy!"
A third man walks in. "7 pairs of underwear please."
"Finally, a man who knows hygiene!"
"Yes, I do try. One for every day, and I do my laundry on Sunday."
At the end of the day, a fourth man walks into the underwear store. "12 pairs of underwear please."
"Wow! You must be really clean!"
The man smiles. "Yup, that's me! Err, hang on, let me see if I counted right. January, February, March, April..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foizep/another_day_at_the_underwear_store/
%
What’s a confused person’s favorite drink?

What-er!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foiuc0/whats_a_confused_persons_favorite_drink/
%
My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard

But I think she’s jokinsg72sjxjgcajx$sn8albxu081wuhxbanqkzvvwjalznjxqoidbz107zvvxjakUhevdz75g&86

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foio4i/my_wife_said_that_if_i_dont_get_off_my_computer/
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No matter how hard you work out, (nsfw)...

...your ballsack still looks like an old mans elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foil48/no_matter_how_hard_you_work_out_nsfw/
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The US 2020 census might want to wait a few months....

Something tells me those numbers are going to be dropping soon....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foid62/the_us_2020_census_might_want_to_wait_a_few_months/
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An little orphan boy writes a letter to santa on christmas

"Dear santa,
I have no money this Christmas for any toys.  please send me $100 so I can buy something" He takes the letter, addresses it to Santa Claus North Pole and drops it in the mailbox. At the post office, while sifting through mail, they ran into the boys letter and they opened it. Touched by the message they put together $50 and send it back to the boy for Christmas. When the boy received the letter he was ecstatic, opens it in a rush and pulls out the $50. he was happy but also saddened... picks up the pen and  immediately works on a reply.
"Dear Santa, thank you so much for the present! It made me very happy. however I think the assholes at the post office may have opened the envelope and stolen a $50 bill!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foicaf/an_little_orphan_boy_writes_a_letter_to_santa_on/
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I told my Italian housemate that "I'm not a materialist", he asked "is that a pronoun?",

I replied "no, it's more anti noun"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foi2k7/i_told_my_italian_housemate_that_im_not_a/
%
How do you measure a snake?

In inches since they dont have any feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foi167/how_do_you_measure_a_snake/
%
If you see a deer with out antlers acting crazy dont try to eat it without cooking it first.

Everyone knows you cant eat raw kooky doe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foi10x/if_you_see_a_deer_with_out_antlers_acting_crazy/
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My 6-year-old wrote a timely coronavirus joke

What did the coronavirus say to the broccoli?
"Let's be friends", because we're both bad things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohxyz/my_6yearold_wrote_a_timely_coronavirus_joke/
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During this crisis, the government is trying to find a way to help the sex worker industry.

The only problem is that they can't work out what to name the help without using the words *relief*, *stimulus* or *package*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohxmj/during_this_crisis_the_government_is_trying_to/
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For those unaware, Big Ben is undergoing renovations in London; it's no easy task

They're having to work around the clock to make it happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohowr/for_those_unaware_big_ben_is_undergoing/
%
Trump knows a lot about bankruptcy

China’s going to find out the joke’s on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohmt5/trump_knows_a_lot_about_bankruptcy/
%
The Coronavirus infects you very quickly

The first person who had it was infected right off the bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohlpa/the_coronavirus_infects_you_very_quickly/
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Helicopter backwards is retpocileH

Helicopter upside down is how Kobe died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohg4g/helicopter_backwards_is_retpocileh/
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What starts with Co-, ends with -s, and has been a real scourge to the USA lately?

Congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohfp5/what_starts_with_co_ends_with_s_and_has_been_a/
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A friend asked me how many types of noodles there are

I said the pastabilities are endless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohf6i/a_friend_asked_me_how_many_types_of_noodles_there/
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What do you call someone who watches you take a test while wearing a vest?

Proctor Seuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohawq/what_do_you_call_someone_who_watches_you_take_a/
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Field Trip

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not t o show that she was staring the teacher said,
'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fogrwo/field_trip/
%
Frank

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.You're just like Frank.
'Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.
'Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.
'Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his fricking wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fognir/frank/
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8 days into quarantine and it feels like I’m in Vegas.

I’m loosing money by the hour, no one knows what time it is and cocktails are acceptable and encouraged at any hour!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fogbme/8_days_into_quarantine_and_it_feels_like_im_in/
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What do you call someone who makes a movie during the COVID-19 pandemic

Quentin Quarantino

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fog56n/what_do_you_call_someone_who_makes_a_movie_during/
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except for one.

He’s never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofulh/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
%
What do you call a German saddle?

Leaderhorsen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofkvn/what_do_you_call_a_german_saddle/
%
I’m in hospital at the moment

Just a word of warning, the Dyson Ball cleaner is not what I thought it was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofk3r/im_in_hospital_at_the_moment/
%
How do I feel about quarantine

I ate 11 times, slept 5 times and it is still today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofbn0/how_do_i_feel_about_quarantine/
%
Deep in the Jungle

, a Monkey and Lizard are sitting in a tree smoking weed with some other animal friends getting stoned. After about an hour, all the animals are  blitzed, laughing their asses off, and the Lizard falls from the tree. Unharmed, the lizard tells its friends above that it’s gonna grab a drink from the river. The Lizard goes, and as it approaches the water, starts drinking, only to be looking face to face with a crocodile. The Croc, a straight edge, yells at the Lizard “What the hell are you doing with your life, wasting it away! Look how high you are, laughing, stoned off your ass! Get your shit together!” The Lizard, looks at the Croc; eyes bloodshot, it’s dazed and confused answers the Croc “Buddy, you think I’m zonked? Go look at the monkey in the tree!” And continues drinking. The Croc heads up to the tree and climbs, gets to the top and the Monkey starts exploding from laughter. Laughs so hard, he falls right off the tree! The Croc goes down and sees the monkey still laughing on the floor, stoned as shit. The monkey looks at the Croc and goes “Lizard how much fucking water did you drink??”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fof9i6/deep_in_the_jungle/
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I was confused, when a football kept getting bigger and bigger....

And that's when it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fof400/i_was_confused_when_a_football_kept_getting/
%
A man walks into a bar...

"Hi! Please may I have some helicopter flavoured chips!"
"Sorry, we've only got plane."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fof316/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said "Sex! Sex ! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said "Wow!"
Then her friend said "She means 666-3629"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foez7k/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number_she_said/
%
9 out of 10 people agree

that 1 out of 10 people will disagree with the other 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foexnx/9_out_of_10_people_agree/
%
Ok. Years ago, I used to have a third nipple.

...I’m so glad I got that off my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foes59/ok_years_ago_i_used_to_have_a_third_nipple/
%
What did the cat say when he went back in time and ran into his former self?

You have got to be kitten me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foejef/what_did_the_cat_say_when_he_went_back_in_time/
%
A European tells an American a joke

European: Wanna hear a joke?
American: Sure.
European: Free Healthcare
American: I don't get it
European: I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foe9pl/a_european_tells_an_american_a_joke/
%
To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fodtha/to_kill_a_french_vampire_you_have_to_drive_a/
%
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fodtc4/three_dinosaurs_are_running_across_the_desert/
%
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet ?

The looked at the reviews.....only 1 star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fodnnz/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system_yet/
%
In America, the president's guards aren't allowed to say "get down, mr president"

They now need to say " Donald duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fod5jf/in_america_the_presidents_guards_arent_allowed_to/
%
Scientists have announced a breakthrough: a Plant that eliminates Coronavirus in 100% of all cases!

It's called Plant-your-ass-in-your-chair and stay the F home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fod57r/scientists_have_announced_a_breakthrough_a_plant/
%
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/focoda/my_ex_just_sneezed_and_i_accidentally_said_bless/
%
Mom and son are driving to school

Mom and son are driving and suddenly they get stuck next to a gay rights protest.
Suddenly a huge dildo is thrown on the windshield and it gets stuck on it.
Son: "Mom what is that?"
Mom: (trying to perserve son's innocece)
"Sweetie that is just a really big bug!"
Son: "Well how does that bug fly with a big cock like that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foc8gb/mom_and_son_are_driving_to_school/
%
A perfect cure for corona:

Tell corona that you are serious, you love it and that you want to spend the rest of your life with corona. You will not hear from corona ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobxxi/a_perfect_cure_for_corona/
%
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobpuf/my_mom_always_told_me_i_wouldnt_accomplish/
%
I haven't told my wife that I'm an objectophilic pyromaniac...

.. but I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foboat/i_havent_told_my_wife_that_im_an_objectophilic/
%
A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobg93/a_woman_works_in_a_sperm_bank_she_is_taking_a/
%
My wife is stressed out not being allowed to leave the house or socialize.

And now, with this coronavirus thing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobf4b/my_wife_is_stressed_out_not_being_allowed_to/
%
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that he had a dream...

In that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets.
"Was I smiling?" Trump asked.
"I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobeze/a_senior_west_wing_staffer_told_trump_that_he_had/
%
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears

9 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobbe4/today_my_son_asked_can_i_have_a_book_mark_and_i/
%
Does Taylor Swift wipe after going poo?

No, she just shakes it off.
PS: please share the tp everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fob2aj/does_taylor_swift_wipe_after_going_poo/
%
I have finally completed my PhD in Literary Criticism...

And I beg you not to speak of the irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fob1qi/i_have_finally_completed_my_phd_in_literary/
%
A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins.

Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait.
A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, they say, just grab one, it's what we do. After a while, he warms to the idea and makes them promise not to laugh at him. Solemnly, they all promise not too.
Around dusk that night, he takes their advice and sure enough sees a couple of them out there. But when he returns to camp, they're all rolling around laughing at him. Incensed, he yells, "but you *promised!*" To which they reply, "we didn't know you'd pick the *ugliest one!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fob0dx/a_strapping_young_man_joins_the_sheep_camp_but/
%
What is the oldest age at which someone can get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cut-off date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foazv4/what_is_the_oldest_age_at_which_someone_can_get_a/
%
A plane is landing and slams into the ground a bit roughly...

The Captain comes on the intercom. “Ladies and Gentleman, on behalf of the entire crew we would like to apologize for the rough landing you just experienced.”
“However, I want to ensure you that it was not my fault.”
“Additionally, it was not the co-pilot’s fault either.”
“It was the asphalt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foazii/a_plane_is_landing_and_slams_into_the_ground_a/
%
A nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!"
The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that jew!"
Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazis direction.
The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew".
The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the jew smiling broadly at him and waving.
Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"
The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foazhu/a_nazi_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Alien1: So how did the earthlings die?

Alien2: They had so much toilet paper they wiped themselves out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foaj2k/alien1_so_how_did_the_earthlings_die/
%
A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate

I now live in constant fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foadfm/a_year_ago_when_i_joined_reddit_i_threw_a/
%
A guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay $20
Boss: welcome on board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foa7eo/a_guy_got_an_interview_for_a_job_with_ea/
%
What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's?

You get to laugh at all the reposts on this sub, every time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo9te0/whats_the_best_thing_about_having_alzheimers/
%
I got caught masturbating with a pickle.

I was Gherkin off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo9qco/i_got_caught_masturbating_with_a_pickle/
%
An English gentleman was waiting at a bus stop...

...standing next to him was a very attractive woman in a very short dress. A sudden breeze caused her dress to fly up revealing she had no panties on. The English gentleman witnessed this and being a bit flustered said, "Bit airy, isn't it"
The woman replied, "What were you expecting? Feathers?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo9prg/an_english_gentleman_was_waiting_at_a_bus_stop/
%
My boss says he can't afford to pay me during this pandemic...

But luckily he says I can work for exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo9ifb/my_boss_says_he_cant_afford_to_pay_me_during_this/
%
I should have checked....

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Whiteout.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo9e9s/i_should_have_checked/
%
I don't understand why my girlfriend complains about how long I last in bed.

Twenty seconds of washing my hands felt like an eternity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo9c89/i_dont_understand_why_my_girlfriend_complains/
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(NSFW) So I bought some new male chickens to put on my farm. I just got them home today.

It was a successful cock transplant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo91gy/nsfw_so_i_bought_some_new_male_chickens_to_put_on/
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive...

It's called a wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo8xic/scientists_have_discovered_a_food_that_diminishes/
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What do you call a pregnant Lara Croft's husband?

A Womb Raider!!!
PS: Quarantine = Time for Dad jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo8ttu/what_do_you_call_a_pregnant_lara_crofts_husband/
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The kids in my neighborhood are so rich

They are still TPing houses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo8nrs/the_kids_in_my_neighborhood_are_so_rich/
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Interesting how there aren’t any cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica

Must be because of ice-o-lation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo8k3b/interesting_how_there_arent_any_cases_of_covid19/
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Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club

Thank you all for coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo8eyc/welcome_to_the_sexual_innuendo_club/
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It must be tough being a standup comedian these days....

Because of the quarantine, they can only tell inside jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo8cpu/it_must_be_tough_being_a_standup_comedian_these/
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Short Story

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo87xp/short_story/
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A notice from the Psychiatric Association

Dear citizens,
During the QUARANTINE time it is considered normal to talk to your plants and pots.
Kindly contact us only if they reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo7ylc/a_notice_from_the_psychiatric_association/
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A Roman walks into a bar

, holds up two fingers and says “5 beers please”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo7w62/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I beat my wife.

That was the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo7urj/i_beat_my_wife/
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Dave was walking along the beach and saw a beautiful lamp wash up.

He rubbed it and a marvelous Genie popped out and his mother-in-law, Cathy, appeared.
The Genie stated, you have three wishes, but be careful what you wish for.. and whatever you get, your mother-in-law will get double. Cathy snickered at him and started rubbing her hands together. "It's about time you contributed to this family, Dave."
Dave rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath to her. He turned to the Genie and said, "I wish for 100 million dollars!" The Genie snapped his fingers and suddenly a massive mound of cash appeared... but Cathy's mound was twice as big and she said, "Dave you idiot, why not wish for a billion dollars or a trillion dollars. I should have known you'd screw this up."
Again, Dave rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath. "For my second wish, I want to be the most powerful man in the world!" The Genie snapped his fingers and said, done, but now Cathy is twice as powerful as you."
Cathy snickered and said, "Well the halfwit got one right. I'll straighten you out yet."
Dave again rolled his eyes and started cursing under his breath... then a smile came across his face. "For my final wish, I wish for you to beat me half to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo7ujo/dave_was_walking_along_the_beach_and_saw_a/
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A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and rides off on his new best friend.
After 300 kilometres of touring fun, his bike begins to stutter and eventually breaks down. The man finds himself in the middle of nowhere and walks to the nearest farm. The farmer, who is working outside on the land, greets him and asks if he stays for dinner, awaiting the truck who'll pick up his bike for reparation. Eagerly the man agrees.
Inside he meets the farmers wife and their beautiful daughter. When he walks into the kitchen, he's astounded by the biggest pile of dirty dishes he has ever seen. 'We have one dinner rule', the farmer says. 'Whoever speaks during dinner, has to do the dishes.'
Dinner is served and everyone is enjoying the meal in total silence. When desert comes, the farmers daughter takes off her top, and starts frisking the man. In about two minutes they are making love, right there on the table. Nobody utters a word.
After they finish, the farmers wife gets under the table, and blows the man like he's never been blown before. Right after she climbs on his lap, and rides him like a bull. Still, nobody has said a word.
When she's done, the man lights a sigarette and peeks out of the window. He notices it's started drizzling outside, and remembers his bike is out in the open. He jolts up, grabs the vaseline and bolts to the front door, only to find it locked.
He sprints back into the kitchen, making wild armgestures to the farmer, pointing outside, to the door and to his tiny jar of vaseline. The farmer, white with fear, then says: 'Allright allright, I'll do the dishes!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo7l69/a_young_man_buys_a_brandnew_bike/
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Army soldiers can't comprehend the 6-foot social distancing requirement.

But everyone in the Navy can fathom it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo71io/army_soldiers_cant_comprehend_the_6foot_social/
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Putin calls Trump and tells him

"Donald, I saw a strange dream... I saw America, all this beautiful country you know... And on every house I saw a poster."
"And what was written on the posters?", Trump asked.
"The United States of Russia."
Trump says, "You know, Vladimir, I'm very glad you called. Believe me or not, but last night I also saw a dream... I saw a great Moscow, and it was even more beautiful than it is now, happy people everywhere and there was a huge poster on every house."
"What was written on the posters?", Putin asked.
Trump replied, "I do not know. I can't read Ukrainian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo70w7/putin_calls_trump_and_tells_him/
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Statistically speaking

6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo6rvu/statistically_speaking/
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Locksmiths still have to do their jobs, despite the current pandemic

They are key workers, after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo6nwz/locksmiths_still_have_to_do_their_jobs_despite/
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Due to the quarantine...

I'll only be telling inside jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo6ef0/due_to_the_quarantine/
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This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic.

Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo6aym/this_year_we_learned_something_very_important_the/
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Mickey Mouse finds himself in front of a divorce hearing..

Judge " Mr. Mouse I can't see on these grounds to grant the divorce on the fact Miney Mouse is fucking silly"
Mickey Mouse " Your honor I never said she was fucking silly I said she was fucking Goofy"
One my dad loves to tell from time to time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo65g1/mickey_mouse_finds_himself_in_front_of_a_divorce/
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My Doctor told me to take 2 tablets every 4 hours

It got me fucking banned from PC world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo64fs/my_doctor_told_me_to_take_2_tablets_every_4_hours/
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Have you heard of Boyle's Law?

It's a law stating that the pressure of a given mass of an ideal gas is inversely proportional to its volume at a constant temperature.
Now building on top of that, have you ever heard of Cole's Law?
It's a salad dish of raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo5z6p/have_you_heard_of_boyles_law/
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I give 110 percent!

That’s why I was fired from my job as a cashier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo5tqd/i_give_110_percent/
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Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands?

Same with the Virgin Islands. There are no canaries there either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo5sit/did_you_know_there_are_no_canaries_on_the_canary/
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Noone in Antarctica has COVID19 because..

They are ice-o-lated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo5lh3/noone_in_antarctica_has_covid19_because/
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My house got TP'd yesterday

It's now been assessed at $875,000.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo5dfx/my_house_got_tpd_yesterday/
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MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED

G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo5636/movie_ratings_explained/
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Girl with glasses

I once told a girl she better without her glasses on. She took them off and said; you look better aswell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo54gd/girl_with_glasses/
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What do you call a surgical operation to remove a magician's powers?

A misdirectomy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo50xu/what_do_you_call_a_surgical_operation_to_remove_a/
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A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo4mch/a_physicist_a_mathematician_and_a_computer/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Social distancing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo4klo/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Thanks to gaming i graduated last year

Without gaming i would have graduated 3 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo4eus/thanks_to_gaming_i_graduated_last_year/
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If you receive an email with the title "DING DONG", do not open it!!!

It's the Jehovah's witnesses, working from home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo3jeu/if_you_receive_an_email_with_the_title_ding_dong/
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A man is walking a cow upstairs to the roof

so he can slaughter it and eat it. He's tiring himself in the process as its very difficult to walk a cow upstairs. Another man sees him struggling and asks:
"Hey why are you taking the cow upstairs? You can just slaughter it on the ground!"
The first man replies:
"My knife is upstairs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo3i4d/a_man_is_walking_a_cow_upstairs_to_the_roof/
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Albert Einstein married his cousin Elsa

Even his marriage was relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo3g7q/albert_einstein_married_his_cousin_elsa/
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never argue with a woman who reads.....It”s likely she can also think.

In th AM husband returns the boat to their lakeside cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up and begins to read a book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game warden in his boat.He pulls alongside the woman and says "Good morning ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book ." she replies. "You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her. "I'm sorry officer but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." The warden says "Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." To which she replies "If you do that I'll have to charge you with sexual assault." "But I haven't even touched you!" says the warden. "That's true," she says "but you have all the equipment...for all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am" and he left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo2rap/never_argue_with_a_woman_who_readsits_likely_she/
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Chicken walking down the road with a book under her wing

Walks past a frog saying: “Book, book, book, book, book”
Frog responds: “Reddit”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo2mxp/chicken_walking_down_the_road_with_a_book_under/
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A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus....

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we are friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo2mgx/a_girl_with_tight_skirt_tries_to_get_on_a_bus/
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Don't cough near me!

People must not cough near you.
They must cough far away.
If you hear someone coughing, tell them to…..
far cough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo2mc7/dont_cough_near_me/
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A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo2j63/a_90yearold_man_goes_for_a_physical_and_all_of/
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Young boy asks his dad for help with his homework. (NSFW)

A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help.
"Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?"
"Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000."
So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad,  "She said she would."
"Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing."
So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother.  A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too."
"Well then.  In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo2j1p/young_boy_asks_his_dad_for_help_with_his_homework/
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They said a mask and gloves are enough to go to the grocery store

They were wrong. Everybody else was wearing clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo2iu2/they_said_a_mask_and_gloves_are_enough_to_go_to/
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Now is not the time to surround yourself with

positive people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo2dsz/now_is_not_the_time_to_surround_yourself_with/
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99.9% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo2cn8/999_of_people_are_idiots/
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Knock knock!

”Knock! Knock!”
"Who's there?"
"Ach"
"Ach who?"
"Please, go get checked"
PS - I hope this ain't done before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo1y25/knock_knock/
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Did you hear about the Trump supporter’s failed suicide attempt?

Fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo1i6z/did_you_hear_about_the_trump_supporters_failed/
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You guys hear about the hungry clock?

It went back for a seconds..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo198u/you_guys_hear_about_the_hungry_clock/
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Me: According to the World Health Organization...

My dad: WHO?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo16yp/me_according_to_the_world_health_organization/
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Was wondering why all the problem seems to be appearing in 2020?

Because we were short sighted all along!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo16yl/was_wondering_why_all_the_problem_seems_to_be/
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What do you call smart person in America?

A tourist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo10fk/what_do_you_call_smart_person_in_america/
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Hey ya know what the good thing about schools shutting down is?

We might hit a new record for longest time without a school shooting!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo0wns/hey_ya_know_what_the_good_thing_about_schools/
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A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over and asks the man why he didn’t stop at the stop sign?

**“It’s the same thing,” the lawyer stated, “I don’t believe there is a difference between stop and slow down.”**
**“Allow me to prove it to you,” the policeman said. He asks the lawyer to step out of his car and suddenly starts hitting him with his baton.**
**After a lot of pain that the lawyer endured, the policeman asked him, “Now do you want me to stop, or slow down?”**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo0v0h/a_lawyer_is_driving_a_car_down_the_street_and/
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My wife and I have been arguing about whether we want kids

Our son is taking it really hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo0of8/my_wife_and_i_have_been_arguing_about_whether_we/
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Funny how our death...

Was was also made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo0jqv/funny_how_our_death/
%
A man was praying to God

He said, "God!?" God responded, "Yes?" And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?" "Go right ahead," God said. "God, what is a million years to you?" God said, "A million years to me is only a second." "Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny." So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?" And God cheerfully said, "Sure! Just a second."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fo02it/a_man_was_praying_to_god/
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My grief counselor. Just died of the corona.

Luckily he was so good I don't give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnzxw2/my_grief_counselor_just_died_of_the_corona/
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Due to quarantine, many Alabama parents are home-schooling their kids [NSFW]

In related news, there has been a spike of police investigations of teachers having sex with their students

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnzxh5/due_to_quarantine_many_alabama_parents_are/
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What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?

A widow.
(a joke my 13 year old daughter told me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnztyl/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_always_knows_where/
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I like my women like I like my coronavirus

19 and ready to spread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnzoer/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coronavirus/
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NSFW My friend stopped over the other day

So I took the toilet paper off the hanger and left a dildo in its place.
If he thinks he's getting my TP he can go fuck himself !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnzjyv/nsfw_my_friend_stopped_over_the_other_day/
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Bear and a Rabbit talking about the toilet paper shortage,...

The bear says, "It sucks being out of toilet paper. Do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?
The rabbit says, "No, not really."
The bear says, "Thanks", and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnz1qj/bear_and_a_rabbit_talking_about_the_toilet_paper/
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Small talk

The year is 2097. In the midst of a nuclear war, two babies are sent from Earth in a pod to an empty SpaceX bunker on Mars in the hopes they will survive and continue the human race.
After years in isolation and with packaged food becoming scarce, the young humans decided to venture out onto the planet’s surface and try to establish a civilization.
They began drilling through the crust and discovered lakes of water, something they’d never seen before. Soon they were planting crops and irrigating water to the surface where new life forms were created and thriving.
Then, one day as they were digging up their harvest, one of them noticed something completely foreign and amazing in the sky: A cloud. The human stared in awe at this massive spectacle floating through the barren Mars atmosphere. After a while, the cloud neared and began drizzling water all across their fields.
With haste, the first human raced back to the bunker and exclaimed, “It’s happening, just like the books said it would! It’s raining!”
The second human, not raising his eyes from the paper, lowered his coffee and replied, “We needed it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnz0vy/small_talk/
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California on lockdown

California has decided to lock down its cities. Many queued to get the Covid-19 test. After queuing for hours, one guy told the person next to him and said “I can’t take it anymore, I am going to kill Trump, please save the queue space for me”.
After a few hours, he came back to his queued space. The guy asked him,” Have you killed Trump?” He replied, “The queue is even longer than here!”
*not mine, just sharing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnytv5/california_on_lockdown/
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What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnyt0p/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers.

It's called On and On Anon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnyrkw/im_attending_a_selfhelp_group_for_compulsive/
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Corona isn't Trump's fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's. SARS wasn't Bush's...

...and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnyqvj/corona_isnt_trumps_fault_ebola_wasnt_obamas_sars/
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Christians are always wearing a cross and hoping for Jesus to return.

Well, is the first thing you would want to see if you were Jesus is a cross?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnym8d/christians_are_always_wearing_a_cross_and_hoping/
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What has gone down since carona virus has showed up?

School Shootings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fny819/what_has_gone_down_since_carona_virus_has_showed/
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Prague just installed new Covid-19 testing stations.

They named them Czech points.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fny674/prague_just_installed_new_covid19_testing_stations/
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No one in Antarctica has the Corona virus

Because they are so ice-o-lated
(actually seen this joke one of my buddies posted. Thought it was a good dad joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnxmy2/no_one_in_antarctica_has_the_corona_virus/
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The real reason I dont like shaking people's hands now isn't because of the virus...

It's because everyone is out of toilet paper....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnxjmh/the_real_reason_i_dont_like_shaking_peoples_hands/
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Irish Man

Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
preacher... The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell
of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.. He pulls him up and
asks the drunk,' Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, OI haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have
you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, OI I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again --- But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again
asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
(Are you ready for this????)
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnxczb/irish_man/
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What's brown and not very heavy?

Light brown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnxbws/whats_brown_and_not_very_heavy/
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A guy in an alley tried to sell me his kidney stones.

I said that's a hard pass for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnxb6a/a_guy_in_an_alley_tried_to_sell_me_his_kidney/
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Hats off to all of the insurance companies helping out with the crisis!

Oh, I guess all of our hats are staying on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnxakd/hats_off_to_all_of_the_insurance_companies/
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Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?

Officer: It was a moving violation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnx650/driver_officer_are_you_actually_crying_while/
%
Dating

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnx57o/dating/
%
What did the professor say when his student asked if pyramids were essentially squares?

Yes, but only up to a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnwyyh/what_did_the_professor_say_when_his_student_asked/
%
I really hope Kim Jong Un doesn’t get the coronavirus

Because then he’d be Kim Jong Ill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnwoxg/i_really_hope_kim_jong_un_doesnt_get_the/
%
What did the cowboy car salesman say to the other cowboy car salesman?

Haudi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnwe9j/what_did_the_cowboy_car_salesman_say_to_the_other/
%
what kind of sex does James Bond have

James Bondage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnwdpf/what_kind_of_sex_does_james_bond_have/
%
I'm really trying to spread positivity

But once I test positive I'm told not to spread it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnwd50/im_really_trying_to_spread_positivity/
%
Life is like golf

The less strokes the better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnwbvn/life_is_like_golf/
%
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests

. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!”
The priest says: “No son, you’re not.”
So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!”
Then the priest says: “No son, you’re not.”
Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: “Here, I’ll prove it.”
He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says: “Jesus Christ, you’re back again?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnw95x/a_drunk_staggers_out_of_a_bar_and_runs_into_two/
%
I heard Harvey Weinstein caught the coronavirus

Not surprising, he wasn't exactly known for his social distancing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnw4bw/i_heard_harvey_weinstein_caught_the_coronavirus/
%
Pirate

So a pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says “how are you doing pirate? haven’t seen you in a long time“
The pirate says “doing great, just came back from a very successful series of raids”
The bartender says “really!? You look terrible. What happened to your leg?“
The pirate says “oh... I was on the deck of a ship preparing to swing to the enemies deck, when a cannonball blew my leg clean off. But the peg leg works great“
The bartender still perplexed asks “well what about your arm?“
The pirate says “I was in a sword fight and lunged and stabbed my opponent in his chest, unfortunately, he was able to cut my arm off in the process. But the hook works great“
The bartender is still confused and thus asks “What about your eye?“
The pirate says “well I was on the deck of my ship looking up and a bird pooped in my eye“
The bartender looks at him and says “how did that cause you to lose your eye?“
The Pirate says “well it was my first day with the hook!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnw0ed/pirate/
%
A woman walks into a pet shop looking to buy a parrot.

"Do you have any parrots for sale?" asks the woman.
"We only have one left," replies the shopkeeper. "But I must warn you she has a filthy mouth. Take a listen."
The shopkeeper lifts a blanket off a cage to reveal the parrot, who instantly starts squawking, "My name's Bella and I want to fuck all day!"
The woman is a little surprised by the language but tells the shopkeeper, "Oh, don't worry. I have two parrots at home and all they do is pray. I'm sure they can teach her the error of her ways."
The woman buys the parrot and takes her home. She takes the blanketed cage into her house and sets it down near another cage containing two parrots, both perched silently praying.
The woman lifts the blanket off the cage and instantly the squawking begins. "My name's Bella and I want to fuck all day!"
The two parrots in the other cage both stop praying and slowly turn to look at each other. After a few moments of silence one of the parrot whispers, "I fucking told you, we just had to pray hard enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnvzue/a_woman_walks_into_a_pet_shop_looking_to_buy_a/
%
Today I caught a centipede!

99 more and I'll have a dollarpede

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnvr2l/today_i_caught_a_centipede/
%
Good bakers use real butter..

So that there is no margarine for error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnvq12/good_bakers_use_real_butter/
%
What do you call karate for amputees?

Partial arts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnvp36/what_do_you_call_karate_for_amputees/
%
Social Distancing is important, it’s right there in the Bible.

Commandment #10 : Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor’s wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnvom8/social_distancing_is_important_its_right_there_in/
%
Flummoxed, I asked my wife, "Honey, the kids don't want to eat their vegetables. What do you want me to do?" She shouted back from the other room, "That's fine. Just throw them out, dear!"

Later, I told them, "Look, I'm just as surprised as you are!" as I helped them pack their suitcases...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnvnk3/flummoxed_i_asked_my_wife_honey_the_kids_dont/
%
I sued the airline for losing my luggage. Did I win?

I lost the case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnvduy/i_sued_the_airline_for_losing_my_luggage_did_i_win/
%
I couldn't believe it when my wife answered her phone during sex.

I was so angry that I hung up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnvc11/i_couldnt_believe_it_when_my_wife_answered_her/
%
Who can drink 20 liters of gas?

Jerry can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnvb0m/who_can_drink_20_liters_of_gas/
%
My doctor told me that I’m morbidly obese.

I responded “maybe, but I identify as skinny”
I’m trans-fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnv2av/my_doctor_told_me_that_im_morbidly_obese/
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I've heard that if you drink 6 Coronas a night you can't get sick. I think it was the CDC.

You know, the Corona Distribution Center.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnv22x/ive_heard_that_if_you_drink_6_coronas_a_night_you/
%
A Queen and a Pawn are having a discussing which one of them is more progressive

The Queen says: I am both a female and the most powerful piece. Tell me that isn't the definition of empowering.
The Pawn replies: No I am still more progressive than you.
The frustrated Queen asks: Really, and why is that?!
The Pawn calmly answers: If  no one is paying me attention I will get a sex change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnv1bx/a_queen_and_a_pawn_are_having_a_discussing_which/
%
What do you call a blind German?

A not see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnuksp/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
%
What do you call a guy who knows how to yodel but doesn't?

A good neighbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnuk8d/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_knows_how_to_yodel_but/
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How do you keep an idiot entertained for a minute?

>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnujzh/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_entertained_for_a_minute/
%
Nobody asks how coke is doing...

It’s always “is Pepsi okay?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnuj6p/nobody_asks_how_coke_is_doing/
%
A teenager comes home from schooling being very anxious

A teenager comes home from school and being very anxious asks her
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?  That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But," she cried, "when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnub57/a_teenager_comes_home_from_schooling_being_very/
%
An engineer goes to hell...

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnu9vj/an_engineer_goes_to_hell/
%
My wife tells me I need to have opinions

I agree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnu4wi/my_wife_tells_me_i_need_to_have_opinions/
%
I mixxed up the words necrophilia and narcolepsy when talking to my mother accidentally.

She said "You didn't pass out at your sisters funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnu3lj/i_mixxed_up_the_words_necrophilia_and_narcolepsy/
%
An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...

and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnu1k0/an_atheist_a_crossfitter_and_a_vegan_are_all/
%
Due to the quarantine..

I will only be telling inside jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fntynf/due_to_the_quarantine/
%
A prince which was in love with a princess was cursed by a witch so that he could only say 1 word each year, he didn´t speak for 4 years until he finally said "Princess, I love you" Then the princess looked at him and said

"What did you say?"
Btw, i took this from a novel i red so some might have heard it before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fntrcg/a_prince_which_was_in_love_with_a_princess_was/
%
What happens when a duck changes from liquid to solid state?

It Quackulates!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fntptx/what_happens_when_a_duck_changes_from_liquid_to/
%
What do you call a bus full of influencers driving off a cliff ?

A good fucking start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnthxr/what_do_you_call_a_bus_full_of_influencers/
%
Veggies

I met a young lady in a bar the other night, we were getting along pretty good so we decided to go back to place a blocks away.  When we got there we started kissing and got our cloths off.
I like going down on a lady so started munching on her and all of a sudden I got a green bean in my mouth.  I didn’t think anything about, just threw it over my shoulder.  Then I got a piece of corn in my mouth.  I like corn, I just ate it.
Then I got a piece of asparagus in my mouth.  This was just to much.  I looked up at her and said,”God damn woman, are you sick or something.”
She said,”No, but the guy that was down there before you was.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnthcr/veggies/
%
A man wants to commit suicide because he only has one leg

As he wants to jump out of a roof and looks down, he sees a man with no arms that is dancing and jumping around and looks happy. He gets confused and wonders..."why is this guy that happy? Dancing with no arms?" He decides not to jump and goes to the guys and asks him:
"How can you be that happy? I don't have one leg and I'm suicidal!"
The man then replies, "I'm not happy! My assholes itchy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fntdcv/a_man_wants_to_commit_suicide_because_he_only_has/
%
Jesus and Moses

were sitting up in heaven in the late 70s early 80s looking down on the beaches of California.  Jesus says, “Damn Moses, I’m bored.”  Moses says,”Me too.  it looks like they are having a good time. Let’s go down.”
So they go down and are walking along the beach with their long hair and flowing robes and they just blend in.
Jesus says, “Damn Moses I don’t understand, the last time I was down here people would gather around and praise me.”  Moses said, “I know me too.  Watch this I’ll show them.”
He walks over, grabs a frisbee And throws it out in the ocean.  Walk up to the water, raises his hands and parts the water.  He walks out picks up the frisbee, walks back to shore and everyone says, “ Yeah Moses.”
Jesus says that’s pretty good Moses, but watch this.”  He grabs the frisbee, throws it out in the ocean, takes off running across the water and just sinks.
Moses walks up to water, raises his hands, parts the water, pulls Jesus up on shore, and pumps the water out of him.  Jesus wakes up looks at Moses and says,”I don’t understand Moses, the last time I was down here I used to do this all the time.”
Moses says, “SURE JUSES, BUT THAT’S BEFORE YOU HAD THE HOLES IN YOUR FEET.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnt1gv/jesus_and_moses/
%
What's the difference between a Joke and 3 Penises?

Your mom can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnsywd/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_3_penises/
%
Why do KGB agents travel in groups of 3?

Because they need one to write, one to read and one to keep an eye on those two dangerous intelectuals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnst6b/why_do_kgb_agents_travel_in_groups_of_3/
%
What do clocks eat?

Mostly hour-d'oeuvres, in minute amounts, but they usually take seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnsrki/what_do_clocks_eat/
%
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !

I mean, first I win the lottery and now this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnsq2d/my_exgirlfriend_just_told_me_she_wants_us_to_get/
%
I don't understand school shooter jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnspw3/i_dont_understand_school_shooter_jokes/
%
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnsiv1/my_wife_accused_me_of_hating_her_family_and/
%
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.

She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnsepc/i_gave_my_girlfriend_an_orgasm/
%
My friend inherited a parrot when his brother went abroad.

So, My friend inherited a parrot when his brother had to go abroad. But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb f*ck, a c*nt, and a bunch of other names. My friend tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing. Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer. Even from in there, he hears him cussing him out. Then the parrot falls silent. The guy thinks Ohh shit I killed him. He opens the freezer. The parrot hops out saying, " Very sorry for how I spoke to you, sir. I just have one question... What did the chicken do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fns7zb/my_friend_inherited_a_parrot_when_his_brother/
%
25th anniversary

A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The one who was giving the party said, "We've blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in his hand. Next, it was the birthday boy's turn. He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I'd like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fns7ku/25th_anniversary/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the word “coronavirus” this month ...

... I’d be rich enough to afford a test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fns0aq/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_ive_heard_the/
%
Social distancing

I logged on to Facebook the other day only to post on my daughter's wall that she's a horrible dancer.
She asked why I would do such a thing.
I told her because I heard we were supposed to be "social diss dancing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnrw22/social_distancing/
%
Coronavirus is all Gen Z’s fault

They wanted everything to go viral, now look what’s happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnrmdj/coronavirus_is_all_gen_zs_fault/
%
I knew a guy who hated floors

He just thought they were beneath him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnrlum/i_knew_a_guy_who_hated_floors/
%
Ever since the lock-down the wife's been pleasuring herself endlessly to her favourite black movie star. And now shes complaining about a pain in her right arm!

I think she has Idris Elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnri1g/ever_since_the_lockdown_the_wifes_been_pleasuring/
%
Dear God, Could we please uninstall 2020 and re-install it????

It has a virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnrhl0/dear_god_could_we_please_uninstall_2020_and/
%
Why are people praising Netflix and Youtube for promising to reduce video quality during the pandemic?

Reddit has been doing it for years already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnr9m1/why_are_people_praising_netflix_and_youtube_for/
%
Good Doctor

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor
of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in
his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage..
"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out,
repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works
just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the
really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the
same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to
the mechanic...........
"Try doing it with the engine running..........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnqyiu/good_doctor/
%
I wanted to kiss my wife, but with this whole Corona thing,

instead I just elbowed her in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnqsv7/i_wanted_to_kiss_my_wife_but_with_this_whole/
%
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnqqrg/a_guy_took_his_blonde_girlfriend_to_her_first/
%
Boy: The principal is so dumb!

Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good! *\*Walks away\**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnqmz2/boy_the_principal_is_so_dumb/
%
I always buy condoms in value packs...

More bang for your buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnqgq1/i_always_buy_condoms_in_value_packs/
%
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?

Whoops, my fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnqcdh/what_did_the_tectonic_plate_say_when_it_bumped/
%
I was fired from a bank.

When a woman asked me to check her balance, I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnq0xk/i_was_fired_from_a_bank/
%
How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread?

You cut the ends and now have endless bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnpzuc/how_do_you_feed_100_people_with_one_loaf_of_bread/
%
I ate a donkey last night.

It tasted like ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnpqo2/i_ate_a_donkey_last_night/
%
My dad is a social distancing champion!!!

I havent seen him since 2005

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnpllw/my_dad_is_a_social_distancing_champion/
%
I heard their coming out with a new reality TV show...

... "American Idle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnpfhe/i_heard_their_coming_out_with_a_new_reality_tv/
%
Man: can you cook? Woman: can you change the oil in my car?

Man: not on an empty stomach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnoz5j/man_can_you_cook_woman_can_you_change_the_oil_in/
%
I tried to make Indian sourdough

but that was a naan starter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnopuo/i_tried_to_make_indian_sourdough/
%
I’ve noticed a disturbing recent trend of people suggesting that we “eat the rich” and I’d like to remind you all that the rich are people too.

People with lovely soft skin that would make excellent TP substitute, so don’t forget to peel them first!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnon4v/ive_noticed_a_disturbing_recent_trend_of_people/
%
What’s the opposite of isolate?

You so early

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnoee3/whats_the_opposite_of_isolate/
%
A waiter walks over to a Jewish women's table and asks....

Is anything okay?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnob1h/a_waiter_walks_over_to_a_jewish_womens_table_and/
%
Bartender: "hey, you look sad, what's up?"

Customer : "I just found out my wife's sleeping with another man, so I've decided to drink myself to death"
Bartender: "sorry, but I can't help you in killing yourself"
Customer: "then what would you have done in my situation?"
Bartender: "if I found out my wife was sleeping with another man, I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill that guy!"
Customer: "that's a great idea. Thanks." and runs out of the bar.
After a couple of hours
Bartender: "Hey, so did you kill the guy?"
Customer: "no, I slept with your wife. Vodka please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnoa8x/bartender_hey_you_look_sad_whats_up/
%
A man walks into a bar with a frog in his shirt pocket..

The man sits down and says to the bartender,
"Give me a pitcher of beer and a clean ashtray so my buddy here can drink."
Now taking the frog from his pocket and placing it on the bar. Puzzled but intrigued the bartender fills his request.
Time passes and people are glancing at him. Eventually an attractive blonde approaches him and says,
"WOW, your frog drinks beer? That's kinda amazing! What else does he do?"
The man looks around nervously, leans in and replies quietly,
"Well between me and you, the weirdest thing he likes to do is eat pussy."
The woman scoffs and goes back to drinking with her group.
Time passes and it's close to bar closing. The blonde is visibly intoxicated and still intrigued by the frog. She reapproches the man and drunkenly says,
"I'm going to call your bluff. I don't think your frog knows how to eat pussy."
So they go back to her place, she undresses and kicks her leg up on the coffee table and he places the frog in front of her.
The frog is just sitting there. The woman quips,
"See I told you..."
The man replies with a look of anticipation on his face,
"No, no, just give him a minute to warm up."
Minutes pass and the woman has become frustrated.
"He's not going to, I knew he wouldn't." She said to him.
"Well I guess you're right." Said the man in a defeated tone.
Finally the man picks up the frog and says,
"I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnnrc9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_frog_in_his_shirt/
%
I don't know why people are so against genetically modified food..

I had a really nice leg of salmon the other day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnnn21/i_dont_know_why_people_are_so_against_genetically/
%
My New Year's Resolution was losing 9kg

15 more to go!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnnlrh/my_new_years_resolution_was_losing_9kg/
%
I call my girlfriend PlayStation

because she’s almost 5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnnj19/i_call_my_girlfriend_playstation/
%
“Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband last night?”

“She’s that blonde chick Reese something?”
“Witherspoon?”
“No, with her knife”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnng8r/did_you_hear_about_the_actress_that_stabbed_her/
%
I'm not bored from being in quarantine

But isnt it funny a bag of rice can have 6892 grains of rice while other has 6929!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnndmj/im_not_bored_from_being_in_quarantine/
%
My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnnctv/my_boss_just_asked_do_you_think_you_can_come_in/
%
“I have a split personality,”

said Tom, being Frank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnn2m2/i_have_a_split_personality/
%
Two Bros, chillin' in a hot tub! 5 feet apart cause they're....

...following the guidelines of social distancing in regards of the recent coronavirus outbreak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnn0g6/two_bros_chillin_in_a_hot_tub_5_feet_apart_cause/
%
Light travels faster than sound.

That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnmypf/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
All countries will get the corona virus eventually...

China just got it right off the bat...
Edit : Thanks for the 1k guys...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnmqsj/all_countries_will_get_the_corona_virus_eventually/
%
What do you call a fish that murdered someone?

Gill-ty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnmbib/what_do_you_call_a_fish_that_murdered_someone/
%
I wear headphones now when I masturbate

It's mostly to drown out the voices on the bus.
People saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver"
I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnm8qb/i_wear_headphones_now_when_i_masturbate/
%
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnm8ah/ruin_a_quote_by_attributing_it_to_the_wrong_person/
%
Must be horrifying to have a shower when you're a magician

You never know if your bathroom is still going to be there when you pull back the shower curtain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnm6g0/must_be_horrifying_to_have_a_shower_when_youre_a/
%
Three women are about to be executed

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She, too, escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "Fire!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnm45n/three_women_are_about_to_be_executed/
%
North Korea has discovered the most Effective vaccine for Covid-19

They are calling it " One Bullet Vaccine "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnlzrn/north_korea_has_discovered_the_most_effective/
%
A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

...but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnlqve/a_policeman_knocked_on_my_door_this_morning/
%
I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.

She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl.
So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor.
At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnlkyk/i_was_walking_back_from_the_pub_last_night_and/
%
Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnli4k/why_is_ea_the_worst_gaming_company_in_america/
%
Two angels were assigned to giving names to the lengths of time

After creating the names for the year, the month, the week and the hour, they still needed a name for the 24 hour period, but since they had done so much already, they decided to pack their things up and call it a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnl7lk/two_angels_were_assigned_to_giving_names_to_the/
%
If Coronavirus isnt caused by the beer....

Then why do I keep hearing about all these cases?
Credit to Al Lowe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnl6ik/if_coronavirus_isnt_caused_by_the_beer/
%
Why was Eve the first carpenter?

She made Adam's banana stand
^(Sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnl5o2/why_was_eve_the_first_carpenter/
%
I went to a zoo once and there was only one dog there.

It was a Shih Tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnkv7n/i_went_to_a_zoo_once_and_there_was_only_one_dog/
%
A dad has three sons. The three sons always tries to get girlfriends in the dumbest ways possible. What do you call the three sons?

The Simpsons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnkmlr/a_dad_has_three_sons_the_three_sons_always_tries/
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There's a plane with 5 passengers on board.

Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a 10-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump says I need one: “I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to make America great again.” Takes one and jumps.
Johnson says, ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps.
The Pope says, ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps.
Angela says to the ten year old: “You can have the last parachute. I’ve lived my life, yours is only just starting.”
The 10-year-old replies: “Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA took my school bag.”’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnkgo8/theres_a_plane_with_5_passengers_on_board/
%
On a cold winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really screwed up now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnke6p/on_a_cold_winters_morning/
%
My grandfather has the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban at the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnka21/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
A dating profile reads...

Single woman with Lysol and hand sanitizer seeking single man with two-ply toilet paper for good, clean fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnk9jh/a_dating_profile_reads/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnk9c2/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
%
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnjxd1/a_teenage_girl_was_being_intimate_with_her/
%
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps.
Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps.
The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps.
Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting."
The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnj81s/plane_with_5_passengers_on_board_donald_trump/
%
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnj3i0/how_do_you_measure_how_heavy_a_red_hot_chilli_is/
%
I used to have sex with men who had small dicks

Now I'm not sure if I have it in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fniuou/i_used_to_have_sex_with_men_who_had_small_dicks/
%
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnit0g/i_met_a_14_year_old_girl_on_the_internet/
%
What did the fish yell as it collided with a wall mid-swim?

DAMN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnilnv/what_did_the_fish_yell_as_it_collided_with_a_wall/
%
Jokes

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnidbt/jokes/
%
I went to the doctor for hearing problems.

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnhvbx/i_went_to_the_doctor_for_hearing_problems/
%
The stud rooster at a poultry farm is getting old, so the farmer buys a new one.

Once he's arrived, the new rooster walks up to the old one and says,"Listen here, Gramps! This whole farm is mine now!"
The old rooster says, "C'mon buddy? At least let me stick around with the old hens? We'll stay in the back?"
The new rooster is adamant "No way! All the hens are mine!".
The old rooster sighs, and offers a proposition: that the two of them race around the farmhouse and if the old rooster wins he can stay on the farm, if he loses then he'll leave and let the new rooster take over.
The only catch is that since the old rooster isn't in very good shape, he needs a head start.
So the roosters line up, the old one has his head start, and the new rooster takes off.
As he comes round the front of the house, the old rooster is just in front of him. He is so close to beating him. He stretches out his neck and leaps forward, desperate to close the gap between them.
That's when the farmer looks up from the front porch and sees the two roosters; he takes out his gun, shoots the new rooster in the head, and says,
"Damn! Third gay rooster this week!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnhnox/the_stud_rooster_at_a_poultry_farm_is_getting_old/
%
My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnhkun/my_wife_left_me_because_i_am_insecure/
%
Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking
Labrador retriever sitting there.
You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young..I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.....but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.  Ten dollars,' the guy says.
Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnhcj4/dog_for_sale/
%
Doctor: I’m afraid you have cancer and alzheimer’s

Man: Doc, what’s alzheimer’s?
Doctor: it’s a disease that slowly destroys your memory and mental function. I understand this can be rough to go through and we have resources for you if you need them.
Man: Well at least i don’t have cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnh7lh/doctor_im_afraid_you_have_cancer_and_alzheimers/
%
a guy and a girl are on a date and they walk past a pond full of swans...

... the girl says "hey, i gotta tell you i can talk to animals" so the guy is like "no way thats insane, prove it!" so the girl turns towards the pond and yells " HEY SWAN, FUCK YOU! ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnh5oc/a_guy_and_a_girl_are_on_a_date_and_they_walk_past/
%
New Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for
me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm .
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am , and plan on starting at 10:00 am
every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm ,
why don't you want me here until 10:00 am ?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours,
we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnh49i/new_job/
%
A Guy Is fed up with his case of intestinal Worms

He decided its about time to have things checked out.
He goes and visits his local doctor, the doctor prescribes him medication.
He heads home and and struggles for weeks, to no avail.
He goes and visits a famous diagnostician, who tells him that the worms have grown far too strong for regular medicine, and that the only person that can fix his issues a Tanzanian monk who lives in a cottage on one of the highest African peaks.
The guy makes the arrangements and flies out seeking the monk.
After what seems the longest hike, he slowly opens the door to the monks room, the monk takes a look at him and interrupts him before he speaks.
" You have worms, you must procure a fresh water melon, cut it half, drop your undergarments and squat over it, the scout worm will come out, see the fresh fruit, and after consulting with the wise worm queen, they will migrate from your bowels to the fruit"
The guy seemed pretty convinced as it was a logical approach, with little else to lose, he decides to fly back home and try the remedy.
He hops to his local deli, buys a fresh watermelon and heads home.
He cuts the melon in half, drops his undergarments and squats over it, the scout worm comes out  looks at the fresh fruit, and crawls back in, " the queen must see this" the worm exclaims, the queen soon comes out, looks at the watermelon and exclaims " Alright bois! Bring it UP!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnh35s/a_guy_is_fed_up_with_his_case_of_intestinal_worms/
%
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 3 months in prison 5 years ago

He's yet to finish his sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnh2ju/my_cousin_who_stutters_was_sentenced_to_3_months/
%
A highschool is having a talent show

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.
A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.
The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fngv9n/a_highschool_is_having_a_talent_show/
%
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people

Then it exploded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fngkl5/chuck_norris_threw_a_grenade_and_killed_50_people/
%
I’ve noticed that my friends have been quite distant lately

*cough*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fngix6/ive_noticed_that_my_friends_have_been_quite/
%
Good Cook.

Little Johnny and his friend decide to have lunch together. Both of them take out their lunch boxes and Little Johnny starts eating straightway.
His friend asks, "Don't you pray before having food? I always do and so does my dad."
Little Johnny replies, "No. My mom is a good cook".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnghgf/good_cook/
%
There's love without sex, there's sex without love

And there's you, without both

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fngd0k/theres_love_without_sex_theres_sex_without_love/
%
You know why the pancake king lost his kingdom?

Cuz he was usyruped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fngcsx/you_know_why_the_pancake_king_lost_his_kingdom/
%
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,
so make me pee tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and
pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila.
Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste
and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass
out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is
tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two
glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the
couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his
wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink
Tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife
asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor, you
drink from the bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fng68t/a_mexican_is_strolling_down_the_street_in_mexico/
%
I was unable to beat my masturbation addiction for a long time...

But now that I named my penis "masturbation addiction"  its become surprising easy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fng5ua/i_was_unable_to_beat_my_masturbation_addiction/
%
A man goes to a fortune teller's house for advice.

He knocks on the door.
"Who's there?"
He walks away, disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fng1et/a_man_goes_to_a_fortune_tellers_house_for_advice/
%
My wife: a jellyfish stung me! quick, pee on it!

Me: this is for stinging my wife! *pees on jellyfish*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnfyxr/my_wife_a_jellyfish_stung_me_quick_pee_on_it/
%
Have you heard of murphey's law?

It's "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong".
Have you heard of Cole's law?It's thinly sliced cabbage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnfulu/have_you_heard_of_murpheys_law/
%
Kid Ink walks into a barbershop

The barber isn’t in tune with modern pop culture, only knowing bits and pieces, so he doesn’t recognize the rapper.
Kid Ink decides to take advantage of this and play a harmless prank.
Kid Ink sits down in the barber chair. The barber, wanting to get to know his client better, breaks the ice by asking him his name.
Kid Ink responds and says “My name is Drake.”
The barber, not knowing how Drake looks like, is shocked and asks if that’s true.
The rapper laughs it off, and responds “No, I’m just Kid Ink”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnfhwe/kid_ink_walks_into_a_barbershop/
%
Hey girl, are you a toaster?

Cuz I wanna turn you on and put you in my bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnet51/hey_girl_are_you_a_toaster/
%
I went to get my eyes tested the other day...

The clinical was named 'Asif Eye Care'.
Worst service ever!!!
Nobody gives a fuck about anything there!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnej0f/i_went_to_get_my_eyes_tested_the_other_day/
%
At the baseball game, I was wondering why the ball was looking bigger and bigger.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnefci/at_the_baseball_game_i_was_wondering_why_the_ball/
%
My life feels like a circle now!

There's no point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fne8z1/my_life_feels_like_a_circle_now/
%
Told my wife she reminds me of a Russian Doll

She said “because of my beautiful skin?”
I said “No, you’re full of yourself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fne8ps/told_my_wife_she_reminds_me_of_a_russian_doll/
%
Harvey Weinstein has coronavirus

Must suck to have something invade your body against your will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fndrw3/harvey_weinstein_has_coronavirus/
%
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger working at a grocery store and I asked him....

"Where can I find the toilet paper?"
He replied, "Aisle B, back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fndpe0/i_saw_arnold_schwarzenegger_working_at_a_grocery/
%
So dude wins the lottery...

...comes home.  Bursts through the front door beaming!
"Honey!  Pack your bags! I hit the jackpot! 323 MILLION DOLLARS!", he exclaims!
His wife begins reeling from the information.  Almost fainting she says, "We won the lottery?!  Oh my goodness, dear!  Where should I pack for?  The tropics? Las Vegas? The south of France?  OH!  Maybe Moscow?!  Oh my love where are we going?!"
"I don't care where you pack for just get the fuck outta my house woman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fndmxt/so_dude_wins_the_lottery/
%
What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An Investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fndkld/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
Master, why does my ability not improve?

Kung Fu student asks his teacher: "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fndc2p/master_why_does_my_ability_not_improve/
%
What’s The Difference Between a Priest And Acne?

Acne Waits Till You’re Thirteen To Come On Your Face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fndbg0/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
%
I have a few jokes about unemployed people,

Too bad none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnd6ue/i_have_a_few_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
I like my women like I like my donuts.

Filled with cream and ready to eat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnd6am/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_donuts/
%
My art teacher said my self portrait looked horrible

However she did say it was extremely realistic and lifelike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnd40t/my_art_teacher_said_my_self_portrait_looked/
%
I'm gonna make an adult website for gardeners

it's gonna be called hydropornic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fncy5u/im_gonna_make_an_adult_website_for_gardeners/
%
When I go to someone's house, they tell me to make myself at home.

The first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like vistors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fncx24/when_i_go_to_someones_house_they_tell_me_to_make/
%
Doctor: You really need to stop masturbating...

Me: Why Doc?
Doctor: Because it's really hard to examine you while you are doing that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fncs0l/doctor_you_really_need_to_stop_masturbating/
%
I just noticed.......

I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fncpa0/i_just_noticed/
%
Day 3 of quarantine:

Haven’t had sex in 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fncoea/day_3_of_quarantine/
%
Today, I am revealing the three unwritten rules of comedy

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnckhs/today_i_am_revealing_the_three_unwritten_rules_of/
%
I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fncjzk/ive_noticed_lately_that_women_prefer_men_at_least/
%
THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up, throws back his hood with a flourish and cries "Ha-ha, I'm the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fncfmy/the_nun_and_the_hippie/
%
What do u call a dandelion that used to be a rose?

A transplant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fncd6x/what_do_u_call_a_dandelion_that_used_to_be_a_rose/
%
Got an old French war rifle for sale. Great condition.

It's never been fired, and only dropped once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnc9uk/got_an_old_french_war_rifle_for_sale_great/
%
If your uncle Jack helped you off an elephant,

Would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnc5s6/if_your_uncle_jack_helped_you_off_an_elephant/
%
Quarantine day seven:

I haven't talked to anyone in three weeks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnbvnt/quarantine_day_seven/
%
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

A Church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnbs9g/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
%
Why can't Kylo Ren get COVID-19?

Because he's ben solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnboic/why_cant_kylo_ren_get_covid19/
%
You can’t turn a hoe into a house wife,

but the coronavirus can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnbo9x/you_cant_turn_a_hoe_into_a_house_wife/
%
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.

So I shouted, 'Get off me, you two!'
- Emo Philips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnbl87/i_discovered_my_wife_in_bed_with_another_man_and/
%
Harvey Weinstein tests positive for coronavirus while in jail.

He probably thought 19 in COVID-19  meant age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnbi0w/harvey_weinstein_tests_positive_for_coronavirus/
%
My family treats me like a God

They forget that I exist unless they want something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnbgse/my_family_treats_me_like_a_god/
%
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners

But catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnbdz9/dogs_cant_operate_mri_scanners/
%
A friend of mine has Corona...

He isn't over 21 so should I report him to the police?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnbajk/a_friend_of_mine_has_corona/
%
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "don't do it!"

He said, "nobody loves me." I said, "God loves
you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a
Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A
Christian." I said, "Me too!
Protestant or Catholic?" He said,
"Protestant." I said, "Me too! What
franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said,
"Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern
Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I
said, "Me too! Northern Conservative
Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative
Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern
Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He
said, "Northern Conservative Baptist
Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
"Northern Conservative Baptist Great
Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern
Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region
Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern
Conservative Baptist Great Lakes
Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die,
heretic!" And I pushed him off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnbace/once_i_saw_this_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump_i/
%
Hey Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?

No son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnb7n5/hey_dad_can_you_tell_me_what_a_solar_eclipse_is/
%
What do a jellyfish attack and spicing up a relationship have in common?

They are both reasons I pissed on my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnb6v6/what_do_a_jellyfish_attack_and_spicing_up_a/
%
Been in self-isolation for the last week. Don't think it worked.

Starting to feel a bit batty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnb6uo/been_in_selfisolation_for_the_last_week_dont/
%
The phrase that’ll be least likely to be used right now

That went viral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnb0bv/the_phrase_thatll_be_least_likely_to_be_used/
%
What do you do if you are quarantine and stuck in the oval office?

Netflix and Bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnanmi/what_do_you_do_if_you_are_quarantine_and_stuck_in/
%
My Grandma laughed when I told her to stay six feet away from me.

Now the closet we'll ever be is six feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fnag3t/my_grandma_laughed_when_i_told_her_to_stay_six/
%
Why was it messy when the elephant crossed the road?

There were a lot of squished chickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fna7em/why_was_it_messy_when_the_elephant_crossed_the/
%
I hope this virus doesn't spread to Antarctica...

I heard the local populous couldn't fly out of there even if they wanted to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fna229/i_hope_this_virus_doesnt_spread_to_antarctica/
%
My gay friend just came out a couple of weeks ago.

Now the whole world is telling them to go back and stay inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn9wab/my_gay_friend_just_came_out_a_couple_of_weeks_ago/
%
Supermarket cashiers must be really traumatized if they land in the ICU

Beep, beep, beep...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn9w7a/supermarket_cashiers_must_be_really_traumatized/
%
What does a 70 year old lady have between her breasts that a 20 year old lady doesn't have?

Her bellybutton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn9paz/what_does_a_70_year_old_lady_have_between_her/
%
I thought about what my parents did before the internet.

I asked my 18 siblings and they don't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn9jea/i_thought_about_what_my_parents_did_before_the/
%
Did you know that to make a crib that meets Federal standards, it takes at least 763 nails?

But it only takes one screw to fill it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn9235/did_you_know_that_to_make_a_crib_that_meets/
%
My friends mom counted over two in Spanish and died.

You could say it was an Overdos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn91yg/my_friends_mom_counted_over_two_in_spanish_and/
%
Stone-age

While Fred the caveman was just relaxing after a tedious hunt, his wife came running to him, all in tears. "Fred, come quick, a sabre-toothed tiger just entered my mothers cave!"
Quite calm, Fred took another sip from his beer and said "So what? Who the hell cares what happens to a sabre-toothed tiger?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn90jg/stoneage/
%
A man goes to a brothel and asks for a unique experience.

A man goes to a brothel  and asks for a unique experience.
The madam introduces him to a working woman with a glass eye whom brings him to her room.
Once there, she pops the glass eye out of the socket and tells the man to insert his penis in the orifice and thrust in and out.
Following her instruction, he soon reaches the most intense orgasm of his life.
"Thank you," he says, giving her an extra $20 as his seminal fluid drips out of her eye. "I will definitely be coming back to see you again soon, and on a regular basis."
"Great," she replies. "I'll keep an eye out for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn8w9w/a_man_goes_to_a_brothel_and_asks_for_a_unique/
%
Should I get COVID-19?

or should I wait until COVID-20 comes out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn8rbo/should_i_get_covid19/
%
My uncle went to prison for stealing a board game

He got life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn8mfs/my_uncle_went_to_prison_for_stealing_a_board_game/
%
Apparently the tinnitus help line is down today...

...I tried calling but it just keeps ringing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn88hr/apparently_the_tinnitus_help_line_is_down_today/
%
3 Jews are in a concentration camp.

The Nazi officer asks the first one "how high can you jump?"
" 1 meter " says the first Jew. The officer gives him some bread and water and asks the second Jew the same question. "I can jump 2 meters high" . "Not bad" says the officer and gives him wine and fish.  The third Jew thinking that he got the gist of the game proudly announces that he can jump 4 meters high.
The Nazi officer shouts "SHOOT HIM HE CAN JUMP OVER THE FENCE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn87jy/3_jews_are_in_a_concentration_camp/
%
A teacher asked her class, "What is sex?"

Johnny got up and said, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation where a boy sticks his location into a girl's destination to increase the population of the next generation.
"Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn84s9/a_teacher_asked_her_class_what_is_sex/
%
What did cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn7t3j/what_did_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
I wanted to make a social distancing joke.

But this is as close as I could get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn7rj0/i_wanted_to_make_a_social_distancing_joke/
%
"Father, why is my name 'Rose'?

"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital."
"Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?"
"Yes it is."
"eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh"
"Quiet, Brick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn7mqy/father_why_is_my_name_rose/
%
My wife only lets me have sex doggy-style

I have to sit up and beg while she rolls over and plays dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn7ixr/my_wife_only_lets_me_have_sex_doggystyle/
%
Yo Mama’s so fat.

There’s flat mama theories about her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn7h4g/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
Son: why is my sister's name Paris?

Dad: because she was concieved in Paris.
Son: oh, thanks dad.
Dad: No problem, Quarantine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn79az/son_why_is_my_sisters_name_paris/
%
I went trick or treating as Gandhi

and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn6w99/i_went_trick_or_treating_as_gandhi/
%
- Mommie, what is a Canadian?

\- It's an unarmed North American with health insurance, sweetie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn6uvo/mommie_what_is_a_canadian/
%
Welfare Check:

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex
drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn6mvo/welfare_check/
%
My dog hijacked my Reddit account and told everyone where we live.

TIL: Never adopt a Doxxhund.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn6hzr/my_dog_hijacked_my_reddit_account_and_told/
%
Dark humor is like toilet paper

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn6bxw/dark_humor_is_like_toilet_paper/
%
I read an article about a new revolutionary car that uses cow dung as fuel

But I think it's bullshit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn6a56/i_read_an_article_about_a_new_revolutionary_car/
%
My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.

It’s a little drum attic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn67k1/my_friend_likes_to_cause_a_scene_by_going_up_to/
%
A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle

When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him.
The guy looks at his situation...and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!"Just then, the clouds above opened, and a bright light shined down upon him..and he heard a great, thunderous, but calm voice, and he said, "No, my son..you are NOT fucked. Pick up the large rock at your feet, and strike the man in front of you with all your might".The young man doesn't hesitate. He reaches down, picks up the rock, draws back and hits the chief right in the head.The chief just falls backwards, dead. Plop.The tribesmen all look at the chief, and then look at the young man, with a total look of stunned disbelief.Then the voice from above speaks again.."*NOW* you're fucked".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn678q/a_young_adventurer_guy_is_trekking_through_the/
%
R. Kelly has just tested negative for Covid 19

Bet if it was Covid 15 he'd be all over that though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn66ux/r_kelly_has_just_tested_negative_for_covid_19/
%
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?

Mumbai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn65j7/what_did_the_indian_boy_say_to_his_parent_before/
%
19 and 20 got into a fight

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn62f8/19_and_20_got_into_a_fight/
%
A man goes to a whorehouse but he’s short on cash..

...he only has 20 bucks!
Madame: that would get you a chicken but if you’re really horny, I think that’ll do, she has a great ass and it’s $15
Guy: that’s ok get me the chicken
The madame takes him to a room where there’s a big chicken tied to a post, so he says what the hell and goes to business and fucks the chicken.
Next day, guy is still horny, but he now only has $5
He decides to go again to the same brothel to see if there’s something for him.
Madame: wtf? Only $5? Well, come with me
She takes him to a room full of guys jerking off watching thru peepholes in the wall, charges the guy $5 and leaves
So the guy asks another
- hey, is that a great movie?
- no movie, live show!
- really! What’s it about? Lesbians? Foursomes? Midgets? Milfs?
- don’t know, always a different one! Yesterday there was a guy fucking a chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn5nv0/a_man_goes_to_a_whorehouse_but_hes_short_on_cash/
%
Someone just stole some grass from my garden

Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn5m7a/someone_just_stole_some_grass_from_my_garden/
%
A blonde a brunette and a redhead are running away from some killers...

... when they find themselves at the end of a dead end ally. They see 3 burlap sacks and hop in. The killers come over wondering where the ladies are and see the sacks.
One of the killers goes up the the brunettes bag and kicks it. “Woof woof” says the brunette. The killer then says “oh there’s just dogs in that bag.”
He goes up to the redheads bag and kicks it. “Meow meow” says the redhead. The killer then “says oh there’s just cats in that bag.”
Finally he goes to the blondes bag and kicks it. The blond say “potatoes”
---
Heard this one from my math teacher a while back. Sorry if it’s a repost but I though y’all would get a _kick_ out of it! ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn5ktf/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_running/
%
A monkey and a cue ball

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the
bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some
sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and
grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's
amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and
somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and
said, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied
the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't
worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill,
paid for the stuff the monkey ate and
left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and
had his monkey with him. He ordered a
drink and the monkey started running
around the bar. The monkey found a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He
grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it
out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and
again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out
and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what
that filthy ape just did?"
"No, what?" asked the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry
and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled
them out and ate them."
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied
the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever
since he had to shit out that cue ball, he
measures everything first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn5kmr/a_monkey_and_a_cue_ball/
%
How do you get an Irishman on a roof?

Tell them the drinks are on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn5ghq/how_do_you_get_an_irishman_on_a_roof/
%
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner

She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes."  Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn5drc/a_man_saw_a_lady_with_big_breasts_he_asked_excuse/
%
a prince was put under a spell so that he could speak one word per year.

if he didn't speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words, and so on.
one day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. he refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her "my darling". but then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. at the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited yet another four years. finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said "my darling, i love you! will you marry me?"
and the lady responded, "pardon?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn5cb9/a_prince_was_put_under_a_spell_so_that_he_could/
%
I haven't seen shelves this empty

Since Paris Hilton showed me her personal library

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn5bq8/i_havent_seen_shelves_this_empty/
%
WARNING to people on Facebook,

There is a link going round claiming to be a live performance from Chris Martin in his home, Do NOT click this link as it will take you to a live performance from Chris Martin in his home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn563m/warning_to_people_on_facebook/
%
I wanted to make a joke about gay people...

But it didn’t come out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn55ov/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_gay_people/
%
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn54ro/push_harder_i_shouted_at_my_wife_while_she_was_in/
%
Is it solipsistic in here?

Or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn4s3s/is_it_solipsistic_in_here/
%
Girlfriend

I said, “I love you so much. I could never live without you.”
My girlfriend giggled and asked, “Is that you talking or the beer?”
I said, “It’s me talking to the beer…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn4nde/girlfriend/
%
What's a cowboys favourite car

Haudi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn4m3d/whats_a_cowboys_favourite_car/
%
What do they call the Bernie Bros now that hes lost the nomination?

Back to being plain ol' BernOuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn4h2h/what_do_they_call_the_bernie_bros_now_that_hes/
%
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.

None of you are invited

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn4c0u/im_throwing_a_covid19_party_this_weekend/
%
Why did Rand Paul delay the vote on the COVID-19 response?

He wasn't sure how to vote and wanted to wait until he was positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn49td/why_did_rand_paul_delay_the_vote_on_the_covid19/
%
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for his miserable summer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn4878/why_did_humpty_dumpty_have_a_great_fall/
%
1 in every 5 people is Chinese

I know that I'm not Chinese, and my parents aren't Chinese.
So it's either my brother Li Xiu Ying, or my brother Kyle.
I think it's Kyle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn4727/1_in_every_5_people_is_chinese/
%
Neighbours make so much noise with their frantic sex

They need to calm the fuck down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn43k6/neighbours_make_so_much_noise_with_their_frantic/
%
What do you call a musical concert that uses cutlery?

A forkestra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn43bz/what_do_you_call_a_musical_concert_that_uses/
%
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats.
The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"
Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."
The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.
The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"
The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn3ztn/two_guys_from_michigan_die_and_wake_up_in_hell/
%
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I'd like to see a dessert menu.

I said "No, that's the last thing I want".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn3yz4/i_went_to_a_restaurant_and_the_waiter_sat_me_down/
%
If you receive an email with the subject ‘Knock Knock’...

Don’t open it, it’s just Jehovah’s Witnesses working from home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn3qm8/if_you_receive_an_email_with_the_subject_knock/
%
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries,

China got it right off the bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn3py4/while_its_taking_a_while_for_the_corona_virus_to/
%
My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.

I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn3lzx/my_wife_just_told_me_she_has_the_body_of_a/
%
Joke I heard today

Friend: I put the sexy in dyslexia.
Me:...
Friend:....
Me:....
Friend:... Wait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn3k89/joke_i_heard_today/
%
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn3ger/my_wife_has_evil_lessons_with_satan_every_week/
%
I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..."

And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn3e6t/i_asked_an_old_couple_for_relationship_tips_and/
%
I asked my locksmith why he wasn't at home self isolating.

He told me he was a key worker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn34cw/i_asked_my_locksmith_why_he_wasnt_at_home_self/
%
Why don’t orphans like to play baseball?

Because they don’t know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn328f/why_dont_orphans_like_to_play_baseball/
%
They tell us to tap elbows instead of shaking hands.

Then they tell us to sneeze into our elbows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn319k/they_tell_us_to_tap_elbows_instead_of_shaking/
%
I came up with a new pickup line

If I could rearrange you alphabet, I’d put U next to D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn2xof/i_came_up_with_a_new_pickup_line/
%
A Viagra shipment has been stolen

The police are searching for hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn2wy6/a_viagra_shipment_has_been_stolen/
%
My religion is Euphemism.

I worship Gosh and his son Gee Whiz, so I won't be darned to heck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn2vfm/my_religion_is_euphemism/
%
The guardsman, the commissar, and the orks.

Preface: In case you are not familiar with the Warhammer universe, if enough orks believe something, reality will warp to make it so. And no... I am not the author of the joke... Do get over it please.
Once upon a time, there was a fierce battle raging in the jungle between the Imperial Guard, and the local ork warband. Eventually, they were running so low on supplies that everyone only had the ammo on their person left. Gathering his courage, one of the guardsmen floated the idea of a tactical advance towards the home base to their commissar.
"Sir, at this rate, we will have no ammo left in an hour."
"Don't be ridiculous, soldier! All you need is your faith in the Emperor."
The commissar looked at him disapprovingly, raised his pistol at a charging ork, and yanked it up while shouting BANG! To everyone's surprise, the ork fell to the ground, unmoving.
Emboldened, the soldiers started imitating him as they ran out of ammo, and the orks kept falling. Eventually they were really getting into it, even tossing rocks as grenades, and the battle was soon turning in their favour. Suddenly though, the orks broke through the "fire" and trampled the guardsmen. Before he lost consciousness, the last thing he heard, was the orks' chanting.
"IMMA TANK IMMA TANK IMMA TANK"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn2u3k/the_guardsman_the_commissar_and_the_orks/
%
Day 7 of quarantine: Found a stranger in my living room



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn2sp1/day_7_of_quarantine_found_a_stranger_in_my_living/
%
Dear Hand sanitizer

Can’t touch this!
Regards,
%0.000001 germ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn2qaj/dear_hand_sanitizer/
%
Why are former Stasi agents the best taxi drivers in Berlin?

All you have to do is tell them your name. They already know where you live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn2pp3/why_are_former_stasi_agents_the_best_taxi_drivers/
%
KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old jewish man reading a book...

"What are you reading, old man?" he asks.
"I'm learning hebrew, comrade." replies the old jew.
KGB agent doesn't understand: "What are you learning hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one."
"I'm learning hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moises and Abraham." replies the old man.
"How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell?" asks the KGB agent.
"I already speak russian!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn2ow9/kgb_agent_goes_to_a_library_and_sees_an_old/
%
Area 51

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret  base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were  very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They  immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an  interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and  spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.  The Air  Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him  overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really  was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a  terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats  of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was  that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same  Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the  plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but  my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last  night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn2l9t/area_51/
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Rudolf the Red

Actual joke I heard on my date yesterday:
So a couple was walking down the streets of Russia, when it began to precipitate.
The man looked at the woman and said, "Its snowing!" And the woman promptly replied, "No dear, it's raining."
They went on arguing back and forth until they came upon a KGB Officer named Rudolf.
They asked him, "Comrade, can you solve this problem for us, tell us please, is it snowing or raining?"
Rudolf pondered this a moment and replied, "It is raining of course."
Joyous in her triumph, the woman looked at the man and said "see! Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn2hjv/rudolf_the_red/
%
Why are teenagers odd?

Because they literally can't even...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn2an0/why_are_teenagers_odd/
%
It’s mayhem outside I got jumped by 6 dwarves

Not happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn1xav/its_mayhem_outside_i_got_jumped_by_6_dwarves/
%
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies,  "I know, but tell me anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn1wei/a_young_artist_exhibits_his_work_for_the_first/
%
What does it take to turn a Trump Supporter into a socialist?

$1,000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn1uuk/what_does_it_take_to_turn_a_trump_supporter_into/
%
Buying cat treats at Walmart today

TRUE STORY. I went to Walmart today for cat treats, they were out of human food. As I stood in line some lady made a smartass remark to me for coming to the store just for cat treats. I told the lady I had to fatten up my cats before I eat them because all you assholes are hoarding the food. Her little girl started crying. I didn't even feel bad. Next time mind your business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn1kk1/buying_cat_treats_at_walmart_today/
%
My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn15zb/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
%
Why are there no fat people in Japan?

The last time they had a Fat Man 80,000 people died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn0rgq/why_are_there_no_fat_people_in_japan/
%
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?

He was fired for Just Caws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fn0fd0/did_you_hear_about_the_crow_who_worked_at_a_call/
%
There are three types of people in society.

Those who can count.
And those who cant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmzldo/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_society/
%
A well-traveled man goes to a strip club

When he gets a lap dance from one of the strippers, he asks if she is Chilean
‘Yes, I am!’ she says ‘How did you know?’
‘Well’ says the man ‘Much like Chile, you are tall and slim’
He later gets a lap dance from another stripper, and asks if she is Swiss
‘Yes, I am!’ she says ‘How did you know?’
‘Well’ says the man ‘Much like Switzerland, you have some rather large mountains’
He later gets a lap dance from another stripper, and asks if she is Finnish
‘Yes, I am’ she says ‘Do my blonde hair and green eyes make it obvious?’
‘No’ says the man ‘It’s your forest in the south’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmzkre/a_welltraveled_man_goes_to_a_strip_club/
%
A man goes to the doctors office for a check up with his wife once every 10 years

Every time he goes his wife sits in with him to make sure he listens to the doctor’s advice.
When the man is 30 the doctor comes in and asks him, do you drink, smoke or have sex? The man replies, “almost every day.” The doctor tells him to cut down on smoking or he’ll die of lung disease by 40. The embarrassed wife says “He’s not a chain smoker but I’ll make sure he cuts back”
When he’s 40, the same doctor comes in and asks again, do you drink, smoke, or have sex? The man replies, I’ve cut down on smoking like you said, but i drink and have sex almost every day still. The doctor says to cut out drinking or his liver will fail by 50. The wife embarrassed again says “He’s not an alcoholic but I’ll make sure he slows down”
When he’s 50 they go back to the same doctor, and he asks him again, do you drink, smoke or have sex? The man replies I cut out smoking and drinking like you said but I still have sex almost every day. The doctor says to cut out sex or his heart will fail by 60. The embarrassed wife again says “He’s not a sex addict, I’ll make sure he takes it easier.”
When he’s 60 the man goes back, but shows up without his wife. The same doctor asked what happened to her. The man replies “She is too old and can’t follow him around anymore.” The doctor asks the man again do you drink, smoke or have sex?
The man replies, I drink and smoke everyday since my wife can’t stop me anymore, but even with my wife so old we still have sex almost everyday. The doctor, curious now, asks how he can still keep up with the sex. The man replies, “Oh it’s very easy. We have sex almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmzjix/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors_office_for_a_check_up/
%
I really like 50 cent

Or as we call it in zimbabwe, 40 trillion dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmzh4p/i_really_like_50_cent/
%
"Ding Dong"

If you get an email with the subject "Ding Dong", don't open it!
These emails are from Jehovah's witnesses working from home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmzg19/ding_dong/
%
A man walks into an unfamiliar bar

He sits down at the bar and sees a pot of cash filled to the brim with notes. As he orders his drink he ask the bartender "what's with the pot of cash?"
The barman replies "we have a 3 tier game going on, winner takes all. £100 entry."
"Just out of curiosity, whats involved?" Asks the stranger.
"Well, first part is, you see the bouncer there? You have to knock him out in one punch. Second part, well we have this rottweiler out back with a dodgy tooth, it needs pulling, but that dog's too vicious for anyone to get close to."
"And the third part?" Enquires the stranger.
"Ah, well, the landlady of this establishment here, she lost her husband a fair few years ago, and has since become a bit of a recluse. Third part is you have to go upstairs, and give her a good old rogering."
The stranger looks at his drink and says "that's ridiculous, you'd have to be bonkers to play".
By pint 7, looking at the pot of cash, the stranger pulls out £100, slams it into the pot, rushes over to the bouncer, and with a clean strike, sends the bouncer flying to the floor unconscious. He makes his way out back with a determined look.
The rest of the bar have seen stage one and excitedly rush to the back door where all they here are barks and thrashing, then followed by yelps and silence. The stranger kicks open the back door, clothes shredded and covered in blood and shouts "Right! Where's this landlady with a dodgy tooth!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmzf7s/a_man_walks_into_an_unfamiliar_bar/
%
Reason for Corona toilet roll hoarding solved

One person sneezes and ten people shit themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmzcx6/reason_for_corona_toilet_roll_hoarding_solved/
%
I tried searching for lost medieval servant boy,

but all I got was 'page not found'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmyv5g/i_tried_searching_for_lost_medieval_servant_boy/
%
My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail.

They called it a "Jury Summons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmytsc/my_local_government_sent_me_some_free_emergency/
%
A guy goes to the whorehouse but he's strapped for cash

"What can I get for 5 bucks?
"5 bucks... That'll get you a 'penguin.' Rose! Come, take this man back and give him a penguin."
Rose takes the man to her room, undoes his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. But right before he is getting ready to come, she gets up and walks away.
The man becomes upset and, with his pants still around his ankles, waddles after her. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!"
Edit 2: someone is downvoting your hahas. This makes me sad :'(
Edit 3: what a turn! Wholesome Reddit users are silently upvoting all the comments back! (\*pωq\*)
Edit 4: it was awesome observing your collaboration but I have to go to bed now. Can’t wait to count your hahas tomorrow!
Edit 5: good morning awesome haha people! <3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmyrfs/a_guy_goes_to_the_whorehouse_but_hes_strapped_for/
%
What is propaganda?

It's when an English person gets a good look at something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmyii6/what_is_propaganda/
%
Anniversary

Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their
honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ....'Sorry I'm
running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know
how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father.
"The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to
shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then, the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry,
but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I
didn't have time to get you anything.."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your
mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very
poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very
much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmyf2e/anniversary/
%
I asked the woman I was sitting next to on the train, "if I could smell her feet?"

She looked at me crazy and said, "NO! That's Gross!"
So I said, "Ah must be your pussy then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmydt2/i_asked_the_woman_i_was_sitting_next_to_on_the/
%
A man from the US with COVID-19 is the in an Australian hospital.

He looks at the nurse and says, "Did I come here to die?"
The nurse turns and replies, "No, you came here yestaday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmxyj4/a_man_from_the_us_with_covid19_is_the_in_an/
%
According to his biography, Bob Marley's two favourite interests were fashion and comedy.

Or, as he called them, Get Up and Stand Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmxyeg/according_to_his_biography_bob_marleys_two/
%
A man goes to a brothel.

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied,
"I wan to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam.
He replied,
"No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row."
"Where are you from?"
The man replied,
" New Brunswick ."
"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ."
"I know." the man said.
"Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmxtzs/a_man_goes_to_a_brothel/
%
What's the difference between a fitness blog and a porn site?

One's all about proteins, whilst the other is more about amateur teens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmxqu9/whats_the_difference_between_a_fitness_blog_and_a/
%
What do you call a guy with a rabbit in his ass?

Warren

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmxmfu/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rabbit_in_his_ass/
%
An asteroid might hit the Earth next month, and I figured out why everyone is collecting toilet papers

Because paper beats rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmxj4u/an_asteroid_might_hit_the_earth_next_month_and_i/
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[OC] What do you call the mum with the most kids in the world? Maximum. What do you call a mum with just 1 child? Minimum. What do you call a woman with no kids?

Optimum.
Happy mother's day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmwxnp/oc_what_do_you_call_the_mum_with_the_most_kids_in/
%
Dear diary, day 5 of quarantine...

Enjoying the sweet salty taste of my ankle, but damn if these teeth aren’t gnawing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmwxd7/dear_diary_day_5_of_quarantine/
%
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmwvch/i_was_a_bit_depressed_so_i_surrounded_myself_with/
%
I was having a beer at the bar when a mate walks in, panicked

He sits down next to me and tells me he’s left his sidekick in the car, because she drives him absolutely mad and he really needed a break.
I chuckled at his irresponsible behavior before he tells me “I told her I’d be back in a few minutes, but all lights in my car are broken anyway, can’t you go keep her busy for a little while?”
Me, having a few beers down already, agreed and before I knew it she’s on top of me in the backseat.
A few minutes later a cop starts knocking on the window, frustrated, shining a light into the car and telling us to calm down.
“Don’t worry, it’s my wife” I say
“Oh, well then that’s alright, I didn’t know it was your wife”
“Yeah... no me neither”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmwdh0/i_was_having_a_beer_at_the_bar_when_a_mate_walks/
%
A check from the President!

I feel like a porn star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmw9p8/a_check_from_the_president/
%
Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME  YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmvwbc/exwife/
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A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots

The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"
The man mumbles, "first blowjob."
The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.
The man downs all nine in a row.
The bartender still smiling says, "hey, make it an even ten. On the house."
The man shakes his head, "no thanks. If the first nine didn't wash out the taste, I doubt one more would help."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmvr49/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_nine_shots/
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If you know any poltergeist in need of a job, please send them my way

I have a moving company that could use some entities that have experience moving furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmvq80/if_you_know_any_poltergeist_in_need_of_a_job/
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You know why the Cold War REALLY went on for so long?

Cause Russia kept Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmvm3h/you_know_why_the_cold_war_really_went_on_for_so/
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The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures

Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmvi2y/the_amount_of_bad_covid19_jokes_being_circulated/
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A lion tamer had quit without notice and the circus manager needed someone to replace him for the next night's show.

He out an ad in the local paper and the next morning two applicants showed up outside his office. One was a rather ordinary looking young man and the other was a rather ravishing red headed beauty. Neither one of them looked very much like a lion trainer, but the manager was desperate.
"All right" he said, "here's a whip, a chair and a gun. Let's see what you can do with big Leo over there. We'll let you have the first try, miss, but be careful- he's a mean one."
The ravishing redhead strode past the whip, the chair and the gun, and empty handed, fearlessly entered the cage.
Big Leo, snarling, then came charging across the cage towards her with a ferocious road. When the lion was almost upon her, the girl threw open her coat. Underneath she was stark naked. Leo skidded to a stop and crawled the rest of the way on his belly; he nuzzled the girl's feet with his nose, purred and licked her trim ankles.
The astonished circus manager grinned happily and turned to the pop-eyed young man. "Well, young fella," he asked, "think you can top THAT? "
"Yeah ?" panted the applicant, "Just get that stupid lion out of there,"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmv5no/a_lion_tamer_had_quit_without_notice_and_the/
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What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmuys2/whats_another_name_for_cumming_inside_a_woman/
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Dark comedy is like clean water.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmuwti/dark_comedy_is_like_clean_water/
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmuw40/several_centuries_ago_the_pope_decreed_that_all/
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People tell me I look like my dad.

He’s blind too :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmuko9/people_tell_me_i_look_like_my_dad/
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If you don't know the price of nuclear power

wait until you see the Cherno bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmuio7/if_you_dont_know_the_price_of_nuclear_power/
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Three men are on a boat with cigarettes

Three men are on a boat with four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So one man throws one cigarette off and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmui7v/three_men_are_on_a_boat_with_cigarettes/
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I saw a man juggling while swimming in shark infested waters...

...it sure does take a lot of balls to do something like that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmue4d/i_saw_a_man_juggling_while_swimming_in_shark/
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After testing positive in Tuscaloosa, my uncle Reamus ran out of ICU naked into the woods...

He checked back in two days later, covered in tick bites.  I asked him what the hell he was thinking.
He replied, "Well... your Daddy's gonna die the way he lived: Corona and Lyme"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmucwe/after_testing_positive_in_tuscaloosa_my_uncle/
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I tried to get a job teaching meditation

But I didn't have a good inner view

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmu8lp/i_tried_to_get_a_job_teaching_meditation/
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There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus

Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmu7nq/there_have_been_countless_people_criticizing/
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I might be dying

My hair tonight since there’s nothing else to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmu5k0/i_might_be_dying/
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My wife thinks I should become a spy...

She says I'm naturally good at moving in and out unnoticed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmu2zw/my_wife_thinks_i_should_become_a_spy/
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A mumble rapper gets out of prison

Everyone starts praising them for finally finishing a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmtsaf/a_mumble_rapper_gets_out_of_prison/
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My friend always lives by this Motto "Surround yourself with positive people"

They tested him positive yesterday. Get well soon my friend!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmtdcq/my_friend_always_lives_by_this_motto_surround/
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People who had 2020 vision

Why didn't you warn us?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmsw92/people_who_had_2020_vision/
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I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmsstc/i_bought_a_second_hand_time_machine_next_sunday/
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"Dyslexa?"

"Play Alexspacito."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmsruw/dyslexa/
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Farmers have this social distancing thing mastered...

Guess you could say they’re outstanding in their field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmsml5/farmers_have_this_social_distancing_thing_mastered/
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It must be a hard time for homosexuals searching for partners

Most of them are not coming out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmsk0j/it_must_be_a_hard_time_for_homosexuals_searching/
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I asked my friend, “Hey, did you read that article about a social media platform that has some very toxic people, very questionable virtual communities, and people that come together to do amazing things?”

He replies: “Yeah, I Reddit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmserk/i_asked_my_friend_hey_did_you_read_that_article/
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Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Well, you don't have alzheimers, but you are a pervert!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fms14d/alzheimers_test/
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We hired a landscape gardener for some work

But he said my garden was portrait and he couldn't help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmrhs2/we_hired_a_landscape_gardener_for_some_work/
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3 guys end up at the pearly gates...

St. Peter asks the first guy if/how many times he had cheated on his wife. He answers twice. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Honda Civic. The second guy gets asked the same question and he responds once. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Harley Davidson. The third guy gets asked the same question as the first two  people and responds never. St. Peter says, “Good job staying faithful,” and hands him the keys to a Rolls Royce. A little while later while riding the streets of Heaven the first guy in the Honda Civic rolls by the third guy in the Rolls Royce. The first guy notices the third guy crying and asks, “Why are you crying, you are enjoying your after life in a Rolls Royce, while I am stuck in a Honda Civic.” The third guy responds, “I am crying because I saw my wife, she was on a skateboard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmrcg1/3_guys_end_up_at_the_pearly_gates/
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What does Kylie Jenner and a Disney princess have in common?

They're both made by the hands of others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmr3me/what_does_kylie_jenner_and_a_disney_princess_have/
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Two girls are speaking and one tearfully confesses:

\- Oh, Jane, I've a problem: I've never been eaten because my pussy smells a lot like onion.
\- I think you're in luck: I have a friend, Tony, who can't smell absolutely anything. And seeing how beautiful you are, I'm sure you will get along well.
The girl calls the boy, they meet to go for a walk, go to the movies, go to dinner ... an evening so perfect that they end up sharing a taxi to go home. When the taxi arrives at the girl's house, she mischievously tells the boy that if he wants to go up to his house to have a last drink, and the boy accepts. They have a glass of wine, another glass, one thing ends up leading to another and they go to bed. They turn off the lights and go with the preliminaries, kisses, caresses, and finally he ends up going down with great delight of the girl. But in a minute he stops and, sticking his head out from her legs, he says to the girl:
\- Hey, this smells a lot like onion, right?
\- How? My friend told me that you couldn't smell anything.
And the boy answers:
\- And I can't, but MY EYES ARE FUCKING WATERING!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmqxop/two_girls_are_speaking_and_one_tearfully_confesses/
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People have told me that 60 is the new 40.

The Cop i just talked to did not have that point of view.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmqn2d/people_have_told_me_that_60_is_the_new_40/
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My ex had an accident and I told the paramedics the wrong blood type.

Now she’ll finally learn about rejection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmqmtj/my_ex_had_an_accident_and_i_told_the_paramedics/
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I'm having a quarantine party

None of you are invited

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmqjuw/im_having_a_quarantine_party/
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As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmqefk/as_a_german_i_have_to_ask_you_know_what_really/
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How do desk fans avoid Coronavirus?

They self-oscillate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmqdk6/how_do_desk_fans_avoid_coronavirus/
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The quickest way to get a Covid-19 test in the US

Cough on a rich person and wait for their results.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmpy1a/the_quickest_way_to_get_a_covid19_test_in_the_us/
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How do you milk a sheep?

Release a new iPhone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmpv5e/how_do_you_milk_a_sheep/
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Why is the football stadium so windy?

Because of all the fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmpsgt/why_is_the_football_stadium_so_windy/
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Bartender: "What'll ya have?"

Blonde: "Bring me a beer."
Bartender: "Anheuser-Busch?"
Blonde: "Fine. And how's your penis?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmpo88/bartender_whatll_ya_have/
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As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.

But let me give it a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmpj07/as_a_doctor_i_feel_uncomfortable_making_jokes/
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A man goes for a jog during the COVID quarantine

He runs past the park and notices a group of 3 kids sitting in a tight circle with their shoes touching in the center. He then notices another group of 3 kids doing the same thing near the first group. Confused, he yells at them "hey aren't you kids supposed to be following the social distancing policy?". One of the kids yells back "we are sir, we are sitting 6 feet apart" as they point to their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmpg81/a_man_goes_for_a_jog_during_the_covid_quarantine/
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If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we'd still be in the Garden of Eden

They would have eaten the serpent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmpf24/if_adam_and_eve_were_chinese_wed_still_be_in_the/
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Do you know what really makes me happy?

Dopamine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmpb6n/do_you_know_what_really_makes_me_happy/
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My young child is feeling sick

Fortunately he's only showing minor symptoms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmp8tp/my_young_child_is_feeling_sick/
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A poor man asks a rich man

"What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself.”
Credit to u / NotKirk333

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmp7ai/a_poor_man_asks_a_rich_man/
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To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.

You make me sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmp78l/to_all_the_people_that_dont_cover_their_mouths/
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A priest rabbi and a chihuahua walk into a blood bank.

The receptionist asks can I help you?
The chihuahua says I think I might be a type O!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmoz3d/a_priest_rabbi_and_a_chihuahua_walk_into_a_blood/
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The son comes home and tells happily: "Mum, we compared our willy at school today"

"And guess what? I got the biggest one of all!"
To which the mother replies: "I hope so, my son. After all, you are the teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmomb1/the_son_comes_home_and_tells_happily_mum_we/
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Three guys are about to get shot.

One yells, "tornado!" and runs away.
Another one yells, "Earthquake!" and runs away.
The last one yells, "fire!" and gets shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmom34/three_guys_are_about_to_get_shot/
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My wife has been watching porn to learn new ways to spice up our sex life.

The other night she laid down in bed and remained completely motionless while we made love. I asked what she was doing. She said “it’s called ‘buffering’ honey”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmol2l/my_wife_has_been_watching_porn_to_learn_new_ways/
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All countries got Covid-19

But China got it right off the bat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmojem/all_countries_got_covid19/
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The Husband Store

A new store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmo8te/the_husband_store/
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$10 is $10

Joe and his wife Martha went to the annual show every year and each time Joe would say: “Martha, I’d like to ride in that plane.”
And every year Martha would reply: “I know Joe, but that plane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.”
One year Joe and Martha went to the fair and he said: “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that plane this year I may never get another chance.”
Martha replied: “Joe, that plane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.”
The pilot overheard them and said: “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s $10.” Joe and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Joe: “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Joe replied: “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmo4oh/10_is_10/
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I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes

She gave me a hug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmnzfo/i_told_my_wife_she_should_embrace_her_mistakes/
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What type of jokes can you tell during quarantine?

>!Inside Jokes.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmnq4f/what_type_of_jokes_can_you_tell_during_quarantine/
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Don't worry guys, when we look back on 2020

we'll say it was pretty sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmn8il/dont_worry_guys_when_we_look_back_on_2020/
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Two guy friends are planning how to market their new product

Friend 1: “Should I make a folded informative pamphlet that we can hand out to potential customers?”
Friend 2: “Bro, sure!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmn0s2/two_guy_friends_are_planning_how_to_market_their/
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Corona virus has changed everything but my sex life...

Still at least 6’ away from any person while having it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmmzky/corona_virus_has_changed_everything_but_my_sex/
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Philippine Condoms

President Trump called President Duterte of the Philippines with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a national disaster!"
"Donald, the Filipino people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied Duterte. "I do need your help," said Donald. "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Duterte. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Donald.
"Yes?" said Duterte.
Showing off, Donald said, "Could the condoms be red, white, and blue in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?"
"No problem," replied Duterte, with that, Duterte hung up and called the owner of Philippine Prophilactic. "I need a favor, you've got to make 100,000,000 condoms right away and send them to the White House." "Consider it done Mr. President," said the owner of Philippine Prophilactics. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white and blue in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said Duterte, "on each one, print 'MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES, SIZE-SMALL' ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmmx0c/philippine_condoms/
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I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

Don’t know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmmc2l/i_only_know_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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Contender for worst joke of the day: What do you call the offspring of farm chickens?

Children of the Cornish Hens.
Would have been 'better' if I had remembered to write it correctly... (eye roll).
Was supposed to be: What do you call the evil offspring of farm chickens?
Ah well... that's why you don't write distracted.  *Though, I just did*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmlzjo/contender_for_worst_joke_of_the_day_what_do_you/
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A clown goes crazy and starts murdering everybody with a cast-iron skillet.

Don't get the joke? It's deadpan humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmlvha/a_clown_goes_crazy_and_starts_murdering_everybody/
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Jeff asks his mom if he can go swimming

J: Mooooom can i go swimming, they are  opening the 3m jumping tower today.
M: ok
* Jeff comes home with a broken arm *
The next day Jeff asks:
Mooooom can I go swimming, they are opening the 5m jumping tower today.
M: ok, but be careful
* Jeff comes home with a broken leg *
The next day jeff asks:
Mooooom can I go swimming, they are letting the water in today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmlshw/jeff_asks_his_mom_if_he_can_go_swimming/
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Coffin maker's new slogan

If you're coughin' you need a coffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmlpar/coffin_makers_new_slogan/
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The alphabet in 2021: ABDFGHJKLMNOQSVWXYZ.

There will be no more ER, ICU, or TP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmlizj/the_alphabet_in_2021_abdfghjklmnoqsvwxyz/
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Me: Dad, can I be frank?... And if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be real pissed!

Dad: That seems fair, gonnaberealpissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmlhbe/me_dad_can_i_be_frank_and_if_you_say_hi_frank_im/
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Why does no one tell jokes about Mexicans?

Because then they would be the ones crossing the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmld3j/why_does_no_one_tell_jokes_about_mexicans/
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After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmkr4h/after_a_long_time_i_told_my_hot_coworker_how_i/
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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmkcst/i_told_my_boyfriend_we_could_watch_a_porn_for_his/
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My girlfriend got the coronavirus so I broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she’s seeing a new guy now and apparently he just tested positive. Be careful out there everyone, I guess what they say is true.

Ex gon give it to ya

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmkbiy/my_girlfriend_got_the_coronavirus_so_i_broke_up/
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How to catch a rabbit

Hide in the bushes and try to sound like a lettuce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmk3na/how_to_catch_a_rabbit/
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home

and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmjx4o/a_woman_brings_eightyearold_johnny_home/
%
Two women meets in the afterlife,

\-Hello, My name is Mia!
\-Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die?
\-Well... I froze to death.
\-Oh my.. what a terrible way to die!
\-Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die?
\-I had a heart attack. I thought that my husband cheating on me, so I left work early to catch him red-handed. Then I saw him just watching television.
\-What happened after?
\-I was certain that there was an another woman in the house. So I furiously started to search the whole house. Under the bed, the roof, closets but I couldn't. I was too tired of searching, I just had an heart attack.
(Mia starts to laugh)
\-What's so funny?
\-Oh dear.. if you checked the fridge we both would be still alive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmjwkv/two_women_meets_in_the_afterlife/
%
Kim Jong Un likes his jokes like his citizens.

Perfectly executed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmjqot/kim_jong_un_likes_his_jokes_like_his_citizens/
%
Last night, me and my girlfriend watched 3 movies back to back.

Luckily, i was the one facing the tv.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmjqlm/last_night_me_and_my_girlfriend_watched_3_movies/
%
Eleventh Husband

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmjqev/eleventh_husband/
%
There were 3 moles living in a hole...

One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmjo9q/there_were_3_moles_living_in_a_hole/
%
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a super hero other one is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmjkkn/what_is_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

The Times are rough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmji2l/i_ran_out_of_toilet_paper_so_i_had_to_start_using/
%
My buddy just said: "I really don't get this toilet paper thing. I mean, how could they even eat so much, that it'd be necessary to take that many dumps?"

I replied: "Yeah, I know, goddamned wankers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmjhj5/my_buddy_just_said_i_really_dont_get_this_toilet/
%
What do you call a baby ocelot?

An ocelittle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmjgyi/what_do_you_call_a_baby_ocelot/
%
My girlfriend just broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair...

Well guess who came crawling back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmjguj/my_girlfriend_just_broke_up_with_me_so_i_stole/
%
Breaking news KIM JONG UN just lost 50 lbs

He is now addressed as Slim Jong Un

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmjepr/breaking_news_kim_jong_un_just_lost_50_lbs/
%
Who’s Amber?

And why does she always describe my car?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmj1pj/whos_amber/
%
Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmivpu/amid_reports_of_insider_trading_by_senators/
%
Why wasn’t the lumberjack scared of the tree?

It was all bark and no bite!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmiruk/why_wasnt_the_lumberjack_scared_of_the_tree/
%
Rihanna just donated $5,000,000 to Coronavirus relief through her foundation.

I wonder what her mascara’s going to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmik56/rihanna_just_donated_5000000_to_coronavirus/
%
Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors

Are you with me shofar?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmijkp/picture_this_a_trumpetlike_instrument_made_of/
%
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmicge/why_dont_bunnies_make_noise_when_they_have_sex/
%
The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project.

The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmia44/the_recommendation_to_selfisolate_by_governments/
%
My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus

RIP uncle Jim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmi4p4/my_uncle_stopped_smoking_because_of_coronavirus/
%
Man 1: Have you gotten coronavirus yet?

Man 2: That depends, do the symptoms include oozing sores on your genitalia?
Man 1: No!
Man 2: What a relief!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmi21p/man_1_have_you_gotten_coronavirus_yet/
%
Joke

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
You give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmhyb4/joke/
%
"Write down your password"

*"penis"*
Sorry, you password is too short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmhn6t/write_down_your_password/
%
the CEO of ryanair walked into a bar

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please.", the barman said
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.  "I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".
"I will never use this bar again".  "OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmhmsm/the_ceo_of_ryanair_walked_into_a_bar/
%
"China reports no new coronavirus local infections!" says a Chinese national to random strangers on the Internet

"But Hong Kong and Taiwan are still reporting in new cases" replied the random guy on the Internet.
"No… Hong Kong and Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmhich/china_reports_no_new_coronavirus_local_infections/
%
What religion do baby cows follower?

They are calfolic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmhg9q/what_religion_do_baby_cows_follower/
%
My ex wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmhe88/my_ex_wife_still_misses_me/
%
If you want to live drama-free, you should move to India.

They don't have beef with anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmhcfo/if_you_want_to_live_dramafree_you_should_move_to/
%
It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.

He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.
“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”
He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.
“Shit!”
He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground.
“This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!”
When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses.
“Shit, this is going to be a long crawl home!”
It’s a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp.
As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him.
“Honey, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and...”
“Yeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmh1dr/its_1_in_the_morning_and_a_drunk_bar_patron/
%
Some motherfucker took a shit

When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmh0dw/some_motherfucker_took_a_shit/
%
Did you know there is a type of duck that dies after having sex for the first time?

.
.
.
At least the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmgyxa/did_you_know_there_is_a_type_of_duck_that_dies/
%
What is NSFW?

The office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmgqo5/what_is_nsfw/
%
A priest walks into a barber’s shop and sits down.

The barber gives him a nice haircut. When the priest asks him how much the haircut will cost, the barber replies, “I never charge a man who does God’s work.”
The priest thanks him and the next day the barber finds three bottles of wine on his doorstep.
Later that day, a minister enters his shop to get a haircut. When the barber is done the minister asks him what the damage is. The barber replies, “I never charge a man who does God’s work.”
The minister thanks him and the next day the barber finds three loaves of bread on his doorstep.
Later that day a rabbi walks in and sits down. When the barber is finished and the rabbi inquires about the cost, the barber replies, “I never charge a man who does God’s work.”
The rabbi thanks him and the next day the barber finds three rabbis on his doorstep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmgng9/a_priest_walks_into_a_barbers_shop_and_sits_down/
%
Everything is made in China

even the end of the world....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmgk53/everything_is_made_in_china/
%
My wife is furious with me after finding the letters I was trying to hide

She said she's had it and never wants to play Scrabble with me ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmggo3/my_wife_is_furious_with_me_after_finding_the/
%
Passwords

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."
roses
"Sorry, too few characters."
pretty roses
"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
1 pretty rose
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
1prettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
1fuckingprettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
1FUCKINGprettyrose
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."
1FuckingPrettyRose
"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!
"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow
"Sorry, that password is already in use."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmgbx5/passwords/
%
Omg, the coronavirus has killed 12 Brazilian people!

How many is a brazilian?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmg737/omg_the_coronavirus_has_killed_12_brazilian_people/
%
I showed my band the lyrics I composed and they said I should be a poet

Poet, fireman, accountant, anything but lyricist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmfx6g/i_showed_my_band_the_lyrics_i_composed_and_they/
%
Why don’t church ladies like chicken?

They’re offended by their fowl language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmfvvg/why_dont_church_ladies_like_chicken/
%
My wife asked for help with a puzzle. She said to hand her pieces with rocks and water.

I said shore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmftqa/my_wife_asked_for_help_with_a_puzzle_she_said_to/
%
A group of mountain climbers all contract Coronavirus, but are strangely unable to infect anybody else.

This is because scalars aren't vectors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmfjkx/a_group_of_mountain_climbers_all_contract/
%
A Pakistani cleric issued a new fatwa that orders you to stay in your homes and study the scriptures.

As expected, they're calling it the *Quran*tine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmfelo/a_pakistani_cleric_issued_a_new_fatwa_that_orders/
%
What do you call a Native American ghost who plays accordian?

Polkahauntus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmfe9n/what_do_you_call_a_native_american_ghost_who/
%
My girlfriend caught the bride's bouquet flower on the wedding

We have to figure out how we continue dating if she gets married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmfash/my_girlfriend_caught_the_brides_bouquet_flower_on/
%
My wife found a new way to get ne to pay attention

She says "the motorcycles trash needs to be taken out" or "the boats clothes need to make it into the hamper" or "this weekend card game I'm taking the kids to my parents and filing for a divorce"
I checked the bike and the boat and wanted to tell her they're all set before the card game but she wasnt home. Strange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmf1tl/my_wife_found_a_new_way_to_get_ne_to_pay_attention/
%
Just got a big Mac

Just picked up a Big Mac Meal at the drive-thru. I'm not hungry, I just need the napkins for wiping my arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmezfv/just_got_a_big_mac/
%
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmexxj/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
%
I bought a car that grants wishes

It's a Lamborgenie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmewqh/i_bought_a_car_that_grants_wishes/
%
Sixteen sodium atoms enter a bar

Followed by Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmevr2/sixteen_sodium_atoms_enter_a_bar/
%
My math teacher called me average...

How mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmebm7/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
%
Jesus saves!

Moses invests!
But only Buddha guarantees returns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmdzjb/jesus_saves/
%
Caught my sister masturbating. She asked me to keep it a secret.

I told her to go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmdyxq/caught_my_sister_masturbating_she_asked_me_to/
%
An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.
^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmdy4s/an_astronaut_scheduled_for_a_launch_to_the_space/
%
Divorce Attorney

Squeezing Every Last Drop
Out of Ya
A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmds46/divorce_attorney/
%
This stock market crash is worse than a divorce

I've lost half my money, and my wife is still around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmdreh/this_stock_market_crash_is_worse_than_a_divorce/
%
Soon we have to hunt so we can eat

... and I don't know where lasagnas live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmdnjk/soon_we_have_to_hunt_so_we_can_eat/
%
I got to bang a 10/10 cougar after a night at the club

Now I'm banned from the local zoo..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmdncn/i_got_to_bang_a_1010_cougar_after_a_night_at_the/
%
The Vistor

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
I said," Come in and sit down".
When he sat down I asked, "What do you want to talk about"?
He said, " Damned if I know, I've never got this far before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmdn0i/the_vistor/
%
A guy marvels at himself in the mirror

Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING"
His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmdmog/a_guy_marvels_at_himself_in_the_mirror/
%
How is the stock market like sex?

I should've pulled out much sooner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmdl1q/how_is_the_stock_market_like_sex/
%
My best friend died after he was in a car crash and they couldn't work out what blood type he was

He kept saying "be positive, be positive" but it's very hard in a situation like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmdb8v/my_best_friend_died_after_he_was_in_a_car_crash/
%
I studied bees today

I guess you can call it Bee-ology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmd8ju/i_studied_bees_today/
%
Since everybody has now started washing their hands,

The peanuts at the bar have lost their taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmcxuh/since_everybody_has_now_started_washing_their/
%
For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife

Not made to scale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmcuja/for_sale_replica_fishermans_knife/
%
Garlic

The most effective social distancing enforcer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmct5e/garlic/
%
I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmct0m/ive_been_fired_from_work_for_putting_in_too_many/
%
Didn't like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well
and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from TESCO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmcnq4/didnt_like_shopping_there_anyway/
%
If I was an ant, where would I live?

In an engine, coz I'd be a coolant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmc8r8/if_i_was_an_ant_where_would_i_live/
%
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, I'll give you $800 to drop that towel!
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour, she replied.
"Great, the husband says, did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmc45q/a_man_is_getting_into_the_shower_just_as_his_wife/
%
I thought about posting a Coronavirus joke on here

but you won't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmc2xm/i_thought_about_posting_a_coronavirus_joke_on_here/
%
My parents are the funniest people.in the world

They made a joke 19 years ago and people are still laughing at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmc0lv/my_parents_are_the_funniest_peoplein_the_world/
%
The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)
(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmbu8y/the_kids_asked_what_was_for_dinner_and_i_told/
%
One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmbss0/one_night_a_couple_was_lying_in_bed_the_husband/
%
A guy is sitting at the doctors office

The doctor walks in: ‘Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.’
Patient: ‘I don’t understand, doc. Why?’
Doctor: ‘Because I’m trying to examine you.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmbrsr/a_guy_is_sitting_at_the_doctors_office/
%
A Duck was sitting on the side of the road, thinking about crossing it..

A chicken walks up to him and says, “don’t even think about it mate. You’ll never hear the end of it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmbj5c/a_duck_was_sitting_on_the_side_of_the_road/
%
Young Arnold Schwarzenegger is selected to play a horse in his school play with another kid

The costume consists of two parts. The front part and the rear.
So the kid says: "Ok Arnold, I'll be the front."
So Arnold agrees and says: "I'll be back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmbhry/young_arnold_schwarzenegger_is_selected_to_play_a/
%
I've decided to combat the Coronavirυs by raising awareness.

I spent the day canvassing the street and delivering 10-minute lectures to passerbys about the importance of social isolation, especially if you're feeling sick.
I think I'm making progress. I've already spoken to 50 people today!
I'm especially proud of today's efforts because I woke up with a fever and running nose, but I didn't let that stop me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmbbop/ive_decided_to_combat_the_coronavirυs_by_raising/
%
A woman tells her therapist that her husband made 2 fat jokes about her the previous day.

Husband: That's a lie.
Therapist: Then why would she remember you making them?
Husband: Because elephants never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmb9ku/a_woman_tells_her_therapist_that_her_husband_made/
%
So this famous singer was doing a giveaway...

The prize was a tablet a brand new phone and 1 minute of singing on stage with this famous singer. So a girl named Jess signed her brother up for the giveaway knowing full well he hates crowds and technology but sure enough he won the contest and he was forced to go on stage with this singer. Boy oh boy was Jess’s brother Sam wishing he could die. He accepted his tablet, phone, and mini concert and left. Sam didn’t want to sing but Samsung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmb7kq/so_this_famous_singer_was_doing_a_giveaway/
%
Why was the guitarist arrested [NSFW]

For fingering D minors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmb6uq/why_was_the_guitarist_arrested_nsfw/
%
My Uber driver told me that he stuffs animals as a side gig

He's a Taxi-Dermist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmb4ho/my_uber_driver_told_me_that_he_stuffs_animals_as/
%
How to tell the sex of an ant?

Drop it in water...
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmar0c/how_to_tell_the_sex_of_an_ant/
%
Good news, you can't get infected if you don't have a license

It's only a Car-ownavirus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmap2g/good_news_you_cant_get_infected_if_you_dont_have/
%
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis

That priest is in prison now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmal2d/i_was_blessed_with_a_9_inch_penis/
%
A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella?  The bear says "  Give me a .........................................................beer."  The bartender says" What's with the big pause?"  The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fmadc7/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What does my uncle and a gastroenterologist have in common?

Both shoved foreign objects up my ass after drugging me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fma96y/what_does_my_uncle_and_a_gastroenterologist_have/
%
What’s the difference between a sewer grate and a neckbeard?

A sewer grate is less of a drain in society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fma475/whats_the_difference_between_a_sewer_grate_and_a/
%
Wanted to start panic buying.

But I saw my bank account and can only panic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fma07c/wanted_to_start_panic_buying/
%
What's an estate agents favourite hot beverage?

Proper tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm9zha/whats_an_estate_agents_favourite_hot_beverage/
%
A town floods and there is a religious man stuck on his ceiling.

On the first day a boat with other civilians passes by and asks if they want to go with them to safety. The man replies with “God will supply me and be my savior”. The next day firefighters come by in a rescue boat and asks the man if he wants help. He again replies “God will supply me and be my savior”. On the third day of being on the roof a police boat comes by saying that they are picking up all remaining survivors and the man responds “God will supply me and be my savior”. The next day he wakes up in heaven and asks God why he didn’t save him, God replies with “Dude, I sent you three boats”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm9y8r/a_town_floods_and_there_is_a_religious_man_stuck/
%
I got fired from the unemployment office today

my boss said “clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on monday”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm9gc5/i_got_fired_from_the_unemployment_office_today/
%
How do you confuse a fellow stupid redditor?

37

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm9e9k/how_do_you_confuse_a_fellow_stupid_redditor/
%
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall by Oasis

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm961e/my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall_by/
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A hunter walks into a gun store...

He walks up to the counter and asks the owner for a good scope for his hunting rifle.
The owner says "Check this one out.  It's so powerful you can see my house all the way up on the hill over there"
The hunter looks through the scope and exclaims "I can see a lot more than that!  There's a couple having sex in there!"
The owner grabs the scope back and looks up the hill at his house.  "That fucking whore!" he shouts.  He turns around and pulls a rifle off the rack, loads it with ammunition, and mounts the scope.  He hands it back to the hunter.
He then says "Tell you what.  I want you to take this rifle, put a bullet through that guys dick, and another one through my cheatin' wife's head!!  If you do that, I'll give you this rifle and the scope for free!!"
The hunter takes the gun, walks over to the window and takes another look through the scope.  After careful consideration, he replies "I think I can do it in one shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm90ci/a_hunter_walks_into_a_gun_store/
%
There was a time I felt excited for my Cake day.

Then I realized I have no joke to share for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm8zpw/there_was_a_time_i_felt_excited_for_my_cake_day/
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Apparently Liquor Stores are, “Essential Business,” in New York City

After all, it’s the only way Mayor DeBlasio could manage to make the worst possible decisions in every situation he has ever been in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm8jqg/apparently_liquor_stores_are_essential_business/
%
Driving home my wife asked if the heated seats were broken.

I told her I turned them on for dinner asked what temperature she preheated to.  She didn’t think it was as funny as I did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm84kq/driving_home_my_wife_asked_if_the_heated_seats/
%
My friend asked me if it’s ok to use everyday objects for sexual stimulation.

He’s sitting on the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm84at/my_friend_asked_me_if_its_ok_to_use_everyday/
%
I told my mom i identified as a helicopter.

She said: Props to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm835t/i_told_my_mom_i_identified_as_a_helicopter/
%
They should wait until next year to do the census

Cause it’ll be easier to count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm7yev/they_should_wait_until_next_year_to_do_the_census/
%
I’m having a quarantine party.

None of you are invited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm7q8d/im_having_a_quarantine_party/
%
The sex shop

A white woman walks into a sex shop and approaches the counter.
She asks the salesman, "How much for the white dildo?"
He says, "$10."
She says, "How much for the black one?"
He says, "$15."
So she buys the black one.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks the salesman, "How much for the black dildo?"
"$15."
"And how much for the white one?"
"$10."
So she buys the white one.
About an hour later a Polish woman comes in and asks the salesman, "How much for the white dildo?"
"$10."
"How much for the black one?"
"$15."
"And how much for the plaid one?"
"$35."
So she buys the plaid one.
About an hour later the guy's boss returns from lunch and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
And the salesman says, "For ten dollars I sold a black woman a white dildo. For fifteen dollars I sold a white woman a black dildo. And for thirty five dollars I sold a Polish woman a thermos."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm7m3p/the_sex_shop/
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I just found out why people are buying so much toilet paper.

An asteroid might hit earth in 2020. Paper beats rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm7lk3/i_just_found_out_why_people_are_buying_so_much/
%
A man sitting in a bar head down and sobbing

Bartender: Hey bud everything ok?
Man: No I'm terrible I caught my wife having sex with my best friend!
Bartender: Omg that's horrible I'm sorry what did you do?
Man: I told her to pack her shit up and get out!
Bartender: Understandable, and your friend?
Man: I chased him downstairs and caught him by the back door trying to escape. Grabbed him around the neck and said BAD DOG!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm7j95/a_man_sitting_in_a_bar_head_down_and_sobbing/
%
They said a mask and gloves was all I needed to go to the grocery store...THEY LIED!...

Everybody else had clothes....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm7i20/they_said_a_mask_and_gloves_was_all_i_needed_to/
%
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?

Half a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm7dur/what_has_2_legs_and_bleeds_constantly/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm7285/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
A city boy wants to be a farmer.

A young city boy is tired of being cramped up in the city and wants a fresh start out in the green pastures of the country.   He sells his belongings and heads to the outer reaches of his state and eventually finds work on a farm.
His first task was to successfully milk a cow.  He has no idea what hes doing but doesnt want to ask questions for fear of looking stupid.  He grabs his pale and stool finds the nearest cow and begins the milking process.  Not even 1 second into it he is beaten senseless by the cow and runs for his life.
The next day despite his injuries he is determined to successfully milk the cow.  He tries again but of course fails and is once again beaten senseless by the cow.
The third day he musters the remaining bit of his strength to try again and of almost like clockwork the cow beats him almost into a coma.
The fourth day he goes to the master farmer and confesses that, in fact, he has no experience in farm life and was a city slicker from birth. The old bearded farmer bursts with laughter “I could tell you were from the city from day one!”
“How?” The young man asks.
“You been tuggin on that poor bull for days!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm71t6/a_city_boy_wants_to_be_a_farmer/
%
An old married couple are in church one Sunday

When the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”
The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm6xcq/an_old_married_couple_are_in_church_one_sunday/
%
How do you make a dog drink?

Put it in the blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm6sdb/how_do_you_make_a_dog_drink/
%
My girlfriend is like the Miranda Rights.

Anything I say can and will be used against me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm6phb/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_miranda_rights/
%
What does a popsicle become when it melts?

Sticky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm6oxy/what_does_a_popsicle_become_when_it_melts/
%
What's the difference between a unicorn and a head of cabbage?

One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm6of4/whats_the_difference_between_a_unicorn_and_a_head/
%
THIS JUST IN:

The sun has corona.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm6gdz/this_just_in/
%
Why do rats suck at taking pictures?

Because whenever they say "Cheese!" they all scatter to find it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm6e87/why_do_rats_suck_at_taking_pictures/
%
A historian goes to Mexico to do research on Pancho Villa.

After a few weeks of going from village to village, getting 3rd and 4th hand stories, he meets a man who tells him, "Go talk to the old man at the end of the road. He knew Pancho Villa."
So the historian goes to meet the old man, who is well over 100 years old. He asks the old man, "I understand you knew Pancho Villa?"
The old man takes a drag on his cigarette.  "Do I know Panch Villa? Let me tell you about Pancho Villa."
"I was riding my horse in the desert and I saw a man. So I ride up to him. It's Pancho Villa! And he has a pistol! So he tells me 'Get off your horse!' What can I do? He has a pistol, I don't have a pistol. I get off my horse."
"Pancho Villa get on my horse. Then he say to me 'Take off your pants!' What can I do? He has a pistol, I don't have a pistol. So I take off my pants."
Then he says to me  'Take a shit on the ground!' What can I do? He has a pistol, I don't have a pistol. So I take a shit on the ground."
Then he says to me 'Pick up the shit and eat it!' What can I do? He has a pistol, I don't have a pistol. So I pick up the shit and eat it."
"And I can see Pancho Villa is about to shoot me! But then, a snake scares my horse and the throws Pancho Villa off! And Pancho Villa drops the pistol! And then I grab the pistol!"
"And then I tell Pancho Villa, 'Take off your pants!' And what can he do? I have a pistol, he don't have a pistol! So he take off his pants."
"And I say, 'Take a shit on the ground!' And what can he do? I have a pistol, he don't have a pistol! So he take a shit on the ground."
"And I say, 'Pick up the shit and eat it!' And what can he do? I have a pistol, he don't have a pistol! So he pick up the shit and eat it."
"Then I get on my horse and I ride away!"
The old man yells, "So you ask me, DO I KNOW PANCHO VILLA? DO I KNOW PANCHO VILLA??!!"
The old man takes a drag on his cigarette.
"Si, we had lunch together once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm6btl/a_historian_goes_to_mexico_to_do_research_on/
%
Ever been driving down the highway smoking a cigarette

and you throw the butt out the window and a couple minutes later you smell something so you turn around and look in the back seat to find your grandmother fingering herself?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm679g/ever_been_driving_down_the_highway_smoking_a/
%
When I awoke after my operation, my nurse said "you may not feel anything from the waist down."

So I caressed her breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm5u60/when_i_awoke_after_my_operation_my_nurse_said_you/
%
People say 60 is the new 40

The cop who pulled me over, didn't have that point of view

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm5u5p/people_say_60_is_the_new_40/
%
This guy is sitting in a bar when this beautiful super model walks in.

So after a few minutes, the guy walks over to her.  He leans in and whispers in her ear " Hey can I smell your pussy?"  The girl is irate, and she screams at him "What is wrong with you?! That's disgusting! How could you say that?!! NO! You cannot smell my pussy!!!"  and the guy says " oh,  well I guess it's your feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm5qzf/this_guy_is_sitting_in_a_bar_when_this_beautiful/
%
Damn Elephant

This man goes to the doctor and says "ive got a huge hole in my ass" the doctor says "drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look". "fuck me!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?" patient replies, "i just got fucked by an elephant". the doctor says "an elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". The patient replies "he fingered me first”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm5p3y/damn_elephant/
%
Pete is walking down the harbour and sees 2 fishermen. He always wanted to have a go at fishing so he goes up to them to ask.

Pete has a stutter though so he goes " h-he-hello guys would y-you you mind if i come f-f-fi-fishing with you?"
They look at eachother and decide that "yes you can come, but be quiet, we don't want you to scare away the fish". So pete all happy gets in the boat and they go out into the sea.
All goes well, pete is having fun, the fishermen are getting fish, its like a dream come true.
Suddenly behind them appears a huge ship, getting closer and closer.
The fishermen don't notice but Pete does and he goes "G-G-Guys"
"SHHHH you'll scare the fish away"
"B-B-BUT THERE'S A SH-SH-SH.."
"SHHHHHH Keep quiet"
the fishermen go.
The ship crashes onto them, they start sinking and drowning but the ship captain thankfully notices and saves them just in time
A few Months go by
Pete walks down the harbour again and sees the fishermen. He goes up to them and they have a small chat. He asks if they could take him into the sea again for another fishing trip and they agreed with one condition.
"If you see a ship TELL US FAST this time!"
So they go out into the sea again, time passes, fishes get caught, everyone is happy again.
But Pete suddenly goes
"G-G-GUYS A SH-SH-SH.."
The fishermen don't even wait for Pete to finish, in panic they jump into the water and start swimming.
Pete goes
"SH-SHARKS YOU IDIOTS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm5lh2/pete_is_walking_down_the_harbour_and_sees_2/
%
Revelations states that the end of the world would be signaled by “Trumpets”. Lately, I’m beginning to think we mistranslated, and really it’s,

*The end of the world would be signaled by Trump/Pence*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm5ksr/revelations_states_that_the_end_of_the_world/
%
Why do golfers bring two pairs of pants to the golf course?

In case they get a hole in one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm5h9f/why_do_golfers_bring_two_pairs_of_pants_to_the/
%
boris johnson,scotsman,welshman,irishman updated

the 4 above are on a plane,malfunction and the plane starts to go down
theres only 1 parachute
scotsman (sacrificing himself)bravely shouts "For Scotland!"and jumps out
welshman (also sacrificing himself)shouts "For Wales!"and jumps out!
irishman shouts "For Ireland" and pushes Johnson out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm5gcr/boris_johnsonscotsmanwelshmanirishman_updated/
%
A husband and wife decide on a code language whenever they feel like having sex to escape the attention of their son.

According to the code language, the wife will be the typewriter and the husband will act as the typist.
However, they had a petty quarrel a few days ago and were not talking to each other.
One day the husband gets into the mood and he can’t hold any longer. So he sends a word to his wife through the son. The son comes and tells her, “Mom, dad wants to use the typewriter.”
The wife was having her period at that time and she thought for a while and said, “Tell dad, he can’t because the red ribbon is on now,” she said. However, the husband misunderstands that it was a deliberate excuse on her part.
Next day the son comes to his dad on an errand from his mom this time and tells him, “Dad, mom said it is okay now; the red ribbon is removed and you can type.” The husband then tells his son, “Tell your mom I don’t need to type now. It was urgent, so I've already written with my hand!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm5eg6/a_husband_and_wife_decide_on_a_code_language/
%
My wife said her blood is Type O.

I told her she should correct that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm5dgu/my_wife_said_her_blood_is_type_o/
%
best way to speak to yr wife at home?

send her a message on facebook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm5cw1/best_way_to_speak_to_yr_wife_at_home/
%
What happens if you get Coronavius twice?

Dos Equis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm5ai8/what_happens_if_you_get_coronavius_twice/
%
I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying "We value your privacy."

Well I know that. How else could you sell it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm59in/i_logged_into_facebook_the_other_day_and_got_a/
%
In a hurry to get to a special dinner party, the guest speaker arrives and sat down, only to realize he'd forgotten his false teeth.

He explained his dilemma to the man sitting next to him.
The man said, "No problem," reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of false teeth. "Try these,"he said.
"Too loose," the speaker said.
The man pulled out another pair.
"Too tight," the speaker told him.
"I have one more pair."
The speaker tried them and they fit perfectly.
With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech.  When the dinner was over, he went to thank the man who'd helped him.
"Where's your office?" he inquired. "I'm looking for a good dentist."
The man replied: "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm58ad/in_a_hurry_to_get_to_a_special_dinner_party_the/
%
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store

They lied, everyone else had clothes on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm57s6/they_said_a_mask_and_gloves_were_enough_to_go_to/
%
The Church just added an 11th COMMANDMENT.

Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm571m/the_church_just_added_an_11th_commandment/
%
I love my new Apple Watch so much I only take it off when I shower

Which means I'm only able to charge it when I shower.
The battery has been dead for 3 weeks now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm53ki/i_love_my_new_apple_watch_so_much_i_only_take_it/
%
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm4zui/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married_at_the/
%
How long does it take Batman to change a lightbulb?

Depends. How much prep time does he get?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm46e2/how_long_does_it_take_batman_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
I bought a guide on how to not panic buy.

It's so good I got twenty copies just to be sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm436i/i_bought_a_guide_on_how_to_not_panic_buy/
%
Toilet paper shortage shows that there are more assholes than we thought

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm3xtd/toilet_paper_shortage_shows_that_there_are_more/
%
What does a tired man knit with?

Yawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm3wpg/what_does_a_tired_man_knit_with/
%
Getting Old

Couple in their nineties are both having
problems remembering things. During a
checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the
old man gets up from his chair. 'Want
anything while I'm in the kitchen?
he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down
so you can remember it?'
she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,
too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that.
You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream.
I'm certain you'll forget that, write it  down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write
it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream -
I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After
about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm3woi/getting_old/
%
3 girls meet up at a cafe after a huge night out

First Girl says: "OMG, I was so drunk last night, I got home and blew chunks in the lounge."
Second Girl: "That's nothing, I fell asleep with a smoke and burnt a huge hole in my carpet."
Third Girl: "That's nothing, I ran out of money and was so drunk that I fucked the taxi driver to pay my fare.
The first girl interrupts: "You both didn't understand..... chunks is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm3hpk/3_girls_meet_up_at_a_cafe_after_a_huge_night_out/
%
I’m so tired of babysitting my mom’s grandkids

Disclosure: Yes they’re mine but they like her more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm3ez3/im_so_tired_of_babysitting_my_moms_grandkids/
%
I gently slid her panties to the side ...

so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm39f1/i_gently_slid_her_panties_to_the_side/
%
In the Coronapocalypse...

The next Spider-Man movie will be called:
Spider-Man: Work From Home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm2tnp/in_the_coronapocalypse/
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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm2fgr/i_cant_take_my_dog_to_the_pond_anymore_because/
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A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm25n5/a_parrot_swallows_a_viagra_tablet/
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When my physics lecture ended, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. There’s no Time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm257x/when_my_physics_lecture_ended_i_asked_my/
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And I will continue to post this, coronavirus be damned!

Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine? It was about a weak back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm22bt/and_i_will_continue_to_post_this_coronavirus_be/
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On the plus side to this whole pandemic

I haven’t heard of any school shootings this year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm1soy/on_the_plus_side_to_this_whole_pandemic/
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What do clouds wear under their clothes?

Thunderwear!
that was from my 5 year old who is clearly funnier than me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm1n37/what_do_clouds_wear_under_their_clothes/
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What do you call a corn cob with only one kernel?

A unicorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm1mmc/what_do_you_call_a_corn_cob_with_only_one_kernel/
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I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms

She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm1jjw/i_asked_my_wife_why_she_never_tells_me_when_she/
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Girl, are you Covid-19?

Because you fuck up my world and make me feel lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm1fv2/girl_are_you_covid19/
%
Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.
You should have seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm19jz/yesterday_i_gave_a_surprise_bukkake_party_to_my/
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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm0soa/one_day_a_guy_dies_and_finds_himself_in_hell/
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The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.
Visitors should also carry a pepper spray can just in case a bear is encountered. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear's sensitive nose and it will run away.
It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat. Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur. Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell of pepper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm0r7i/the_national_park_rangers_are_advising_hikers_in/
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A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets

He was arrested for attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm0e5e/a_man_tried_to_keep_two_crows_illegally_as_pets/
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What do farmers and the media have in common?

They both spend a lot of time spreading shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm0dia/what_do_farmers_and_the_media_have_in_common/
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After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife

Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fm05ru/after_an_attempted_mugging_last_week_ive_decided/
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How do you know when Dracula catches Coronavirus?

When he's always coffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flzxg8/how_do_you_know_when_dracula_catches_coronavirus/
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Whoever closed last night did an absolute shit job of cleaning and prepping for tomorrow

I hate working from home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flzsjq/whoever_closed_last_night_did_an_absolute_shit/
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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?
Boy: Pockets.
Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: OH MY GOD.
Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flzmie/a_female_class_teacher_was_having_a_problem_with/
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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until its bill withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flzidj/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
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NSFW Possible Coronavirus Inoculant Found

Experts suggest that a hormone found in ordinary semen may, if consumed in sufficient quantities over time, produce a gradual immunity buildup to the Covid19 virus.
Source: Am expert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flz3ou/nsfw_possible_coronavirus_inoculant_found/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Hot,
Columbian,
And allllll over my lap when I drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flyzqy/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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I was gonna make a anal sex joke

Butt fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flyuer/i_was_gonna_make_a_anal_sex_joke/
%
The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid

Off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flyu2i/the_covid19_event_has_made_me_significantly_more/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar...

The bartender says:
“Sorry, We don’t serve food here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fly7y4/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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Drug cartels have been turning to toilet paper instead of narcotics for profits

I guess you can say the crack has been wiped out clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fly4cn/drug_cartels_have_been_turning_to_toilet_paper/
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A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fly3fk/a_guinness_world_record_judge_was_fired_for/
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This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fly1fr/this_german_shepherd_comes_and_takes_a_shit_on_my/
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I was so fortunate that a Muslim family was able to take me in when Social Isolation when into effect.

Now I am in Quran-tine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fly063/i_was_so_fortunate_that_a_muslim_family_was_able/
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I have just run out of toilet paper so I have begun using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flxz6z/i_have_just_run_out_of_toilet_paper_so_i_have/
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COVID-19 and COVID-20 were placed in a petri dish to fight

COVID-21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flxxsa/covid19_and_covid20_were_placed_in_a_petri_dish/
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I don't get many complaints in the bedroom

One of the many advantages of being a Necrophiliac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flxjut/i_dont_get_many_complaints_in_the_bedroom/
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March hasn't quite destroyed the world.

No, but April May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flxfly/march_hasnt_quite_destroyed_the_world/
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What happens when you give Donald Trump viagra?

He gets taller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flxc4c/what_happens_when_you_give_donald_trump_viagra/
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I told a Coronavirus joke earlier today and nobody laughed.

They will get it eventually...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flx99m/i_told_a_coronavirus_joke_earlier_today_and/
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They said, "a mask and gloves would be enough to go to the grocery store..."

They LIED, everyone else had clothes on...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flx02b/they_said_a_mask_and_gloves_would_be_enough_to_go/
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With all of the craziness at the grocery stores we've run out of toilet paper at my house and had to resort to using newspaper.

These Times are rough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flwra7/with_all_of_the_craziness_at_the_grocery_stores/
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Did you hear the Netherlands is almost out of toilet paper and weed?

People bought them all for shits and giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flwoiv/did_you_hear_the_netherlands_is_almost_out_of/
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Since getting Coronavirus symptoms, the doctor advised my wife to avoid sexual contact with me.

As if she needed the reminder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flwn57/since_getting_coronavirus_symptoms_the_doctor/
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North Korea providing updated coronavirus case numbers every 30 minutes today -

8:00AM - 1 case
8:30AM - 0 cases
9:00AM - 1 case
9:30AM - 0 cases
10:00AM - 1 case
10:30AM - 0 cases

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flwlvq/north_korea_providing_updated_coronavirus_case/
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A trilingual is someone who can speak 3 languages. A bilingual is someone who can speak 2 languages. What do you call someone who speak one language?

An American

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flwkow/a_trilingual_is_someone_who_can_speak_3_languages/
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Shawn: *yawns* I'm tired

Shaun: *yauns* me too
Sean: *yeans* yeah same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flw901/shawn_yawns_im_tired/
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Teacher asks the class if they can make a sentence with the word contagious in it.

Little Billy puts his hand up, my dad seen our neighbour painting his fence with a small brush and said that will take that contagious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flw6v9/teacher_asks_the_class_if_they_can_make_a/
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Once upon a time there was a Cheerio.

(long)
This Cheerio dreamed of going to Perfect Cheerio Land, where only the best Cheerios lived. In Perfect Cheerio Land, there was everything a little Cheerio’s heart desired.
One day, when Cheerio woke up, an angel cheerio was at the foot of his bed. The angel said, “I am here to take you to Perfect Cheerio Land, but only for one day.” Cheerio was ecstatic. Finally he would see Perfect Cheerio Land!
Cheerio wanted to have a day packed with fun. First, Cheerio and the angel went to a restaurant. When they arrived, there was a very very very very very long line. So they waited and waited and waited and waited and finally got to the front.
After they ate their food, Cheerio wanted to go to an amusement park. When Cheerio and the angel arrived, Cheerio said that he wanted to go on the Ferris Wheel. Unfortunately, there was another very very very very very long line. So they waited and waited and waited and waited and finally got to the front.
After they rode on the Ferris Wheel, Cheerio wanted to go to an arcade. When they arrived, Cheerio said he wanted to play Pac-Man. But Pac-Man was the most popular game on the arcade, so there was a very very very very very long line. So they waited and waited and waited and waited and finally got to the front.
After Cheerio played Pac-Man, he was very thirsty. He looked around for something to drink, but couldn’t find any drink anywhere. After hours of searching, he stumbled upon a manager and asked him, “Sir, where is the punch line?”
The manager looked up and said, “There is no punch line.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flw0uj/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_cheerio/
%
Why does KFC not have toilet paper?

It's finger licking good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flvz7w/why_does_kfc_not_have_toilet_paper/
%
A man and a prostitute are sharing a meal

He gives her his peas. She gives him herpes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flvpcs/a_man_and_a_prostitute_are_sharing_a_meal/
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What do most people do instinctively when a gun is pointed at them?

lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flvmk2/what_do_most_people_do_instinctively_when_a_gun/
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I used to meditate myself to ejaculation, but have since stopped.

That was a load off my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flvm3j/i_used_to_meditate_myself_to_ejaculation_but_have/
%
A man and his son were driving along the highway.

The son asks, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" The man replies, "Well son, see those two cars coming towards us? An alcoholic would see four."
The son responds, "But Dad, I only see one car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flvcnq/a_man_and_his_son_were_driving_along_the_highway/
%
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.

"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flva64/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
%
A nervous-looking man walks into a Swiss bank, clutching a suitcase

He walks up to one of the tellers, his face damp, and says, in a low whisper:
"Hello, I'd like to deposit one million dollars... in cash."
The teller leans forward and smiles in a friendly way, and replies, in a normal tone of voice:
"You don't need to whisper here. In Switzerland, there's no shame in being poor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flv73i/a_nervouslooking_man_walks_into_a_swiss_bank/
%
I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus outbreak

Upon getting to the store i was told that pants and a shirt was also required

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flv6ul/i_was_told_that_wearing_a_mask_and_gloves_would/
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This just in, from The University of Dad Comedy...

All Dads are to now begin using Inside Jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flv628/this_just_in_from_the_university_of_dad_comedy/
%
A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!
One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flv0zp/a_chemist_wants_to_open_up_a_coffee_shop/
%
Man asks for an unusual wish

A man meets a genie and the genie say I'll grant you one wish. The man says i wish I could be u.
The genie replies. Weurd wush, bit ull grant ut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fluv23/man_asks_for_an_unusual_wish/
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You've got this once in a lifetime opportunity to stay at home and lay infront of tv to save the world.

Don't screw this up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fluraw/youve_got_this_once_in_a_lifetime_opportunity_to/
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If Coronavirus doesn’t kill me...

All the ramen I’m eating in quarantine will

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flulqk/if_coronavirus_doesnt_kill_me/
%
Three men on their lunch break *LONG*

Three men were working together on the 40th floor construction of the Empire State Building.
An American, an Italian, and a Canadian.
A loud horn is heard signifying lunch, and all three men sat together, on the edge, their feet dangling a hundreds of feet in the air.
The American opens his lunch pail and exclaims loudly, "Hell! Hamburger and french fries again for lunch?? Everyday my wife makes me this. I swear if this happens again tomorrow, I will jump off of here and kill myself!"
The Italian opens his lunch pail "Momma mia! Spaghetti and-a meat-a-balls! Again?! My friend if my wife packs this again I will jump to my death with you!"
The Canadian opens his lunch pail and smirks in disgust. "Aye bai's, if I have to eat a bolgna sandwich again I will jump too. No doobt aboot it!"
The next day, a loud horn is heard on The Empire State Building construction site. The three men sit down on the same spot, legs dangling over the edge.
The American opens his lunch pail, exclaims loudly "FUCK!", and without another word jumps and plummets to his death.
The Italian, looking nervous, peeks inside his lunchpail and lets out a long sigh. Then slides off the edge and plummets 40 floors.
The Canadian opens his lunch pail. Pulls out a bologna sandwich and enjoys his lunch. Stands up, stretches, looks over the city, then jumps to his death.
A week later a funeral is held for the three men. The American wife is bawling her eyes out swearing she will cry whenever she sees a hamburger. The Italian wife is in hysterics swearing to never eat pasta again. The Canadians wife is smoking a cigarette drinking a beer. The other wives ask why she is not mourning her husband.
"Fuck him, he packed his own lunch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flul18/three_men_on_their_lunch_break_long/
%
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus

19 and easy to spread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fluk0t/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coronavirus/
%
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.

I thought to myself "Well, this changes everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flue7j/i_remember_the_first_time_i_saw_a_universal/
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How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flud2t/how_many_members_of_a_specified_demographic_does/
%
Who is Goofy's favorite actress?

Selma HYUCK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flu9ct/who_is_goofys_favorite_actress/
%
I suggested to my wife that we practice social distancing

She agreed, but wanted to call it a trial separation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flu99w/i_suggested_to_my_wife_that_we_practice_social/
%
People who hoard toilet paper should also be hoarding deodorant and perfume...

Because when you're a little shit, wiping yourself will not be enough to mask the stench.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flu2le/people_who_hoard_toilet_paper_should_also_be/
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Why can't a Redditor be a Jedi?

They tell the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fltq7v/why_cant_a_redditor_be_a_jedi/
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A lot of people are going to look back when the epidemic is over and wish they had acted differently

But you know what they say... Hindsight is 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fltpra/a_lot_of_people_are_going_to_look_back_when_the/
%
I was gonna tell you a sheep joke but

It was going to be baaaaaaaad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fltmt7/i_was_gonna_tell_you_a_sheep_joke_but/
%
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fltjx0/i_was_wondering_why_the_baseball_was_getting/
%
Hermann Rorschach was a total pervert

You should see the stuff he used to paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flthlp/hermann_rorschach_was_a_total_pervert/
%
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.

I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flt714/some_people_arent_shaking_hands_because_of_covid/
%
What did the dick say to the condom?

Cover me, I’m going in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flt3pi/what_did_the_dick_say_to_the_condom/
%
Due to the quarantine...

I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flt0ku/due_to_the_quarantine/
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***2020 CANCELLED***

After careful consideration, we have decided that it is no longer in the best interests of everyone involved to proceed with 2020.
While we recognize that a lot of hard work has gone into preparing for 2020, if we're honest it has just turned into a bit of a sh*tshow and we feel it best just to call it off.
We understand that some of you were looking forward to seeing what cruel and peculiar clusterf**k of a disaster 2020 would throw up next, but on balance we believe it is probably best not to find out.
We will instead provide ticket holders with a full refund or exchange, and start afresh with 2021 on Monday.
Our plan is to deliver a more enjoyable year, similar to say 2016, which everyone thought was the absolute worst year of all time, but in retrospect was a f**king walk in the park.
See you next year.
The Management.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flszkw/2020_cancelled/
%
It is easy to joke about the Coronavirus

Everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flsppv/it_is_easy_to_joke_about_the_coronavirus/
%
I’d like to thank my toilet

For always knowing how to deal with my shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flsgkz/id_like_to_thank_my_toilet/
%
The corona virus Might be a plus for my sex life!

I'm thinking of all those women who said "Maybe if you were the last man on earth ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flsero/the_corona_virus_might_be_a_plus_for_my_sex_life/
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With Coronavirus and our impending doom

I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flsbp1/with_coronavirus_and_our_impending_doom/
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Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo..
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep. .....
Now give me back my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fls1pw/government/
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Its thanksgiving

A little boy around 4 years old is watching his dad cut the turkey. He accidentally cuts his hand and he yells "fuck." The boy asks his dad what that word means. His dad says it means to cut.
The boy then goes to the bathroom where his mum is putting on makeup. Her hand slips and she goes "shit," the boy asks what that word means. The mum says it means makeup.
Then his uncle knocks on the door. The boy opens it and the uncle asks what his parents are doing. The boys says "my dads fucking the turkey and my mums putting shit on her face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flrz8y/its_thanksgiving/
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My friend’s bakery burned down last night.

Now his business is toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flruc6/my_friends_bakery_burned_down_last_night/
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Q. Why is #Coronavirus like a hostage crisis?

A. Because it leads to the "stock home syndrome".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flrtx6/q_why_is_coronavirus_like_a_hostage_crisis/
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I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flrtjy/i_took_the_shell_off_my_racing_snail_thinking_it/
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What's the difference between the coronavirus and a girl?

I for sure won't get the girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flro9v/whats_the_difference_between_the_coronavirus_and/
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What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

Cuatro cinco.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flrn5b/what_do_you_call_4_mexicans_in_quicksand/
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Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown..

Cuz he’s a key worker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flrke8/turns_out_my_dad_whos_a_locksmith_still_has_to_go/
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What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak ?

They stay in Quran-tine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flrhko/what_do_muslims_do_during_the_coronavirus_outbreak/
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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. i'll explain later."

The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Syria either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flrfmr/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun_out_of_breath_he_asked/
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Morbid COVID-19 puns have spread everywhere considering what's going on. So have some patience.

They should start to die in a week or so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flr8oa/morbid_covid19_puns_have_spread_everywhere/
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A woman is pregnant with triplets.

One day, a gangster shot her three times in a stomach for a gang initiation. After spending a few months in the hospital, the doctor declared that she made a mysterious recovery and allowed her to return home. She gave birth to 2 girls and 1 boy. 16 years later, one of her daughters walked into her room carrying a bullet. She explained that it fell out while she was using the bathroom. So her mother explained the story about the gangster. Her second daughter walked in puzzled, also holding a bullet. So her mother explained the story again. Finally, her son entered the room crying. His mom said "Let me guess, you were using the bathroom and a bullet came out?" He said: "No, I was jacking off and shot the dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flr2fa/a_woman_is_pregnant_with_triplets/
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Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.

I was stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flqtyx/today_a_large_tree_suddenly_fell_over_right_in/
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Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.

I mean, hindsight is 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flqkw1/even_after_a_decade_or_two_i_think_we_will_all/
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A man walks into a bar...

he leans over and says to the bartender, "Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you've never seen it before?"
The bartender says, "Okay, but it had better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar. It scurries about, jumps off the end, turns a perfect somersault in midair, and lands on the piano. He then begins to dance across the keys, playing the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, "Wow! That was truly incredible! Have a beer."
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, if I show you something else that is so amazing I can guarantee you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"
"If it's as amazing as that hamster, then sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches into his other coat pocket and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and the man earns another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, a guy at the other end of the bar walks over and says, "What a performer! I'll give you $500 for that frog."
The first man says, "It’s a deal!" and sells the guy his frog. The bartender shakes his head slowly. "Not that it's any of my business, mind you, but that was a real, live singing frog. Why would you sell it for only $500? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "Nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flqh6s/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Lock down isn't so bad if all the stores close.

My dad will finally have to come back from getting cigarettes, he has been gone since 1983.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flqe2b/lock_down_isnt_so_bad_if_all_the_stores_close/
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[NSFW] Why is Flo Rida unzipping his fly?

He‘s goin‘ down for rear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flq9ea/nsfw_why_is_flo_rida_unzipping_his_fly/
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Social distancing for an introvert is like winning a free ticket to a Coldplay concert for an extrovert

I feel right at home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flq4zm/social_distancing_for_an_introvert_is_like/
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As I walked up to the bank I noticed a fat, drunken old bum slumped beside the door. On my way out he asked me, “Any change?”

“No, you’re still fat and drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flpu42/as_i_walked_up_to_the_bank_i_noticed_a_fat/
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Why is the ocean so salty?

Because the land never waves back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flp01z/why_is_the_ocean_so_salty/
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So, shouldn’t we like wait

Till after the pandemic to do the census?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flozmz/so_shouldnt_we_like_wait/
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This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/floyyn/this_shutdown_is_bad_for_everyone_in_the_service/
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Uh oh, due to Coronavirus, Finland just closed it’s borders...

Now no one can cross the Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flomvg/uh_oh_due_to_coronavirus_finland_just_closed_its/
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So a man was drowning in a river and then a big boat comes by and the man in it says “do you need any help” to which the drowning man replies “no thanks, god will save me”.

And then another big boat comes by and the man in it says “do you need any help” to which the drowning man replies again “ no thanks, god will save me”. So the man drowns and goes to heaven. He says to god “why didn’t you save me?” and god says “i sent to big boats you dummy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/floevc/so_a_man_was_drowning_in_a_river_and_then_a_big/
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Too much of phone sex is bad for you...

it'll give you hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flodhu/too_much_of_phone_sex_is_bad_for_you/
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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she got so mad, It's pretty bloody hard to write on sand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flo97q/my_sister_asked_for_me_to_bring_her_something/
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A Mafia Godfather

finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf and mute . When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flo93p/a_mafia_godfather/
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What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with COVID-19?

The weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flo7gm/what_do_saturday_and_sunday_have_in_common_with/
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The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows.  Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show on dozens of subreddits.
Before the show, they had the costumes, props, and theater disinfected to protect the health of the actors. However, the sanitizing process left the stage dangerously slippery.
Because of the shortage of household supplies, the maintenance team had no paper towels to wipe away the disinfectant, and they almost had to cancel the show. Luckily a stagehand had an idea. He found an old dictionary in the props closet, ripped out its pages, and laid them all down individually to cover the entire stage. This gave the actors just enough traction to safely perform.
The play was steamed tó over 50,000 viewers and went off without a hitch, The next day the producer tracked the stage hand.
"I owe you a debt l of gratitude! Your idea saved the day! I've been reading reviews online and everybody is raving about how much they enjoyed the show!"
The stagehand nodded confidently and said, "I'm not surprised. Redditors love a good play on words."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flo5cy/the_coronavirus_has_shut_down_theater/
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What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flo2zv/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
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My Chinese neighbors had Waffles for breakfast

Bastards.  I LOVED that cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flo2v1/my_chinese_neighbors_had_waffles_for_breakfast/
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A man in Soviet Russia asks, another, "How do you feel about Comrade Stalin?" The second replies, "I feel the same way you do."

The first man replies, "Then I'm going to have to report you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flo25r/a_man_in_soviet_russia_asks_another_how_do_you/
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I just got off the phone with a doctor in China.

He said it's not worth getting the Covid-19 now, as they're expecting the Covid-20 to be released later this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flnwvz/i_just_got_off_the_phone_with_a_doctor_in_china/
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My friend was grateful when I told her about the supernatural cure for the virus.

I knew I made the right choice when I told her witch doctor to go to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flnwp6/my_friend_was_grateful_when_i_told_her_about_the/
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What is a pirate’s favorite letter?

Well matey... you’d think it would be Arr, but a pirate’s first love will always be the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flnl9a/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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Your so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got arrested for littering.

Just a joke calm down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flnf4u/your_so_ugly_that_when_your_mom_dropped_you_off/
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fln3p4/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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They say a woman’s work is never done

Maybe that’s why they don’t get paid as much..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flmtvw/they_say_a_womans_work_is_never_done/
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Saying goodbye to mother

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flmr27/saying_goodbye_to_mother/
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My favorite native american restaurant is shutting down.

They didn't get enough reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flml27/my_favorite_native_american_restaurant_is/
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A guy and his donkey walk into a bar

the bartender says to the man: "Get your ass out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flmkh5/a_guy_and_his_donkey_walk_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You can't hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flmjke/whats_the_difference_between_a_hormone_and_an/
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There was a girl called Sally Brown...

...who said no man could lay her down
And over the hill came Piss-Pot Pete,
With fifty pounds of swinging meat.
He layed her down upon the grass,
And fucked the pants right off her ass.
Then, with one tremendous fart
She blew Pete's balls five miles apart
And over the hill went Piss-Pot Pete
With fifty pounds of shredded meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flmbqr/there_was_a_girl_called_sally_brown/
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Why do people in Athens hate getting up early ?

Because dawn is tough on Greece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flma6y/why_do_people_in_athens_hate_getting_up_early/
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So a guy walked into a bar and asked how to become a cupcake...

So, a guy walked into a bar and he saw a cupcake. He went up to the cupcake and asked, "How do I become a cupcake?"
The cupcake replied, "You have to eat a cupcake to become a cupcake."
So the guy left to go eat a cupcake and the next night he returned to the bar. He then saw a chocolate bar and he asked, "How do I become a chocolate cupcake?"
The chocolate bar replied, "You've got to eat some chocolate."
So the guy went home and he ate some chocolate. The next night he came back and he saw a peanut. He went up to the peanut and asked, "How do I become a Reese's cupcake?"
The peanut replied, "You need to eat some peanut butter."
And so the man went home and ate some peanut butter. Then the next night he went to the bar again, even though he told himself he would stop because he had such a rough day at work and just wanted a drink. So he walked into the bar and went over to the line for beer, but it was too long. So he decided he would have some whiskey, but yet again the line was too long. He tried for wine, but the line was still too long.
Then he said to himself, "Oh, I know! I'll go have some punch!"
So he walked over to go get some punch, and he realized something: THERE IS NO PUNCH LINE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flm8sm/so_a_guy_walked_into_a_bar_and_asked_how_to/
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I just admitted to my wife that I have been confirmed COVID19 positive.

She said that this puts a real strain on our relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flm3j6/i_just_admitted_to_my_wife_that_i_have_been/
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You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.

Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fllwoo/you_cant_breathe_through_your_nose_while_smiling/
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Why shouldn't people from Texas be allowed to drive?

Because they're always Texan and driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fllrz3/why_shouldnt_people_from_texas_be_allowed_to_drive/
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How do you cut an ocean in half?

With a seasaw!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flll7a/how_do_you_cut_an_ocean_in_half/
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With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.

A coronaissance, if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fllhm0/with_all_this_spare_time_on_their_hands_people/
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Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?

The steaks are too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fllgbk/why_is_it_a_bad_idea_to_give_a_cow_marijuana/
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My wife and I are into role play. Today she said I could pick any song as a role play theme...

I hope her friend Eileen is as excited as I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flktjq/my_wife_and_i_are_into_role_play_today_she_said_i/
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I stepped on a bottle of medicine and fell down the stairs...

... that’s the last time I trip on robotussin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flkoig/i_stepped_on_a_bottle_of_medicine_and_fell_down/
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A british mum and her toddler visit her American friend

The mum and her friend were talking late at night when the toddler shouts from the bedroom "mum i have a bloody nose" the friend says "oh you should do something about that" the mum replies " oh no it's allright he's just learning his body parts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flkoa6/a_british_mum_and_her_toddler_visit_her_american/
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A Cannibal Is Consuming a Farmer When a Cop Comes By

Cop: Are you eating someone?
Cannibal: No, sir. You see, this man owned chickens when he was alive.
Cop: How does that change anything?
Cannibal; You see, I’m not eating a person. I am eating a chicken tender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flkh4c/a_cannibal_is_consuming_a_farmer_when_a_cop_comes/
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Gordon Ramsey hated the last movie he watched

It was Frozen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flkamj/gordon_ramsey_hated_the_last_movie_he_watched/
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My dad used to bugger me nightly. He knew I hated it, but said it was a family tradition.

Sometimes I wish we weren't Dickensons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flk3uk/my_dad_used_to_bugger_me_nightly_he_knew_i_hated/
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What do you call a girl from Alabama that can run faster than her brothers?

A virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flk0gc/what_do_you_call_a_girl_from_alabama_that_can_run/
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Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?

Waitress: \[slaps me a good one across the face\] ...“The men I please are none of your damn business!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fljy2p/waitress_can_i_ask_you_something_about_the_menu/
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A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fljx0u/a_woman_who_is_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a/
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Due to COVID I’ve been reading article after article forwards and backwards trying to make sense of it all.

And I have to say, I still don’t know what DIVOC is going on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fljgp1/due_to_covid_ive_been_reading_article_after/
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What did the Russian say when he lost the argument against communism?

Soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fljary/what_did_the_russian_say_when_he_lost_the/
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My friend went to the doctors worrying that he had caught the Coronavirus from his complete collection of Matt Groening animation figures.

Luckily his diagnosis was negative, despite having all the Simpsons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flj9dj/my_friend_went_to_the_doctors_worrying_that_he/
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They say my fine art degree is useless. But I'll have you know I doubled my income last year!!

Finding that quarter on the ground really helped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flj6yn/they_say_my_fine_art_degree_is_useless_but_ill/
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It is 30 years today since the unlawful imprisonment of John Hugs!

Unfortunately my 'free hugs' campaign isn't going well right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flj2qv/it_is_30_years_today_since_the_unlawful/
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What do you get when you cross a frog, a duck and a rhinoceros?

......Fuckifino

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flj2f2/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_frog_a_duck_and/
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People are freaking out about the virus

Guess they’re going bat-shit crazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fliy45/people_are_freaking_out_about_the_virus/
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A manager of a small restaurant just discovered that someone in their town tested positive for COVID-19

The manager calls a meeting of his three employees--an Italian, a Scottsman, and a Japanese man.
The manager says to the Italian, "Sanitize everything in the kitchen!"
The manager then says to the Scottsman, "Make new to-go flyers! All our new dishes need to be on there!"
The manager then says to the Japanese man, "You're in charge of supplies!"
He leaves in a panic to check on his family and comes back to the restaurant. When he goes into the kitchen, he sees that everything is absolutely filthy and *nothing* has been cleaned. He asks the Italian, "What happened? Why didn't you clean the kitchen?!"
He replies "I no ave mop! I no ave rags! I no ave soap! You saida to the Japanese guy dat e wasa ina charge of sooplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda 'im nowhere."
Frustrated, the manager leaves to check on the new to-go menus, and he sees the Scotsman just sitting there, reading the old menus. "...and you! I thought I told you to create to-go menus!"
He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, but ah couldnae git masel' ony paper o' pens! Ye left tha' wee Jap mannie in charge o' supplies, but ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."
The manager blows his top and storms off into the back of the restaurant to find the Japanese man. He looks in the alleyway, in the bathroom, and as he is walking towards the closet, the door suddenly bursts open! Out jumps the Japanese man and he yells...
**SUPPLIES!!!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fliwig/a_manager_of_a_small_restaurant_just_discovered/
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Got my Covid-19 test results back today

They came back Aladeen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flivxz/got_my_covid19_test_results_back_today/
%
I can't believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading

The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fliug8/i_cant_believe_i_got_a_life_sentence_for_a_little/
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The definition of Elongates

When Bill Gates and Elon musk collaborate to create a drug that cures erectile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fliu2q/the_definition_of_elongates/
%
Roses are Red, Silent as a mouse...

Your door is unlocked, I’m inside your house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flir60/roses_are_red_silent_as_a_mouse/
%
I got the last two loaves of bread at the store. This old lady was behind me and she saw.

She looked weak and feeble so I reached into her trolly and took her milk and tissue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flir4k/i_got_the_last_two_loaves_of_bread_at_the_store/
%
You need a delivery to make a joke

That's why you can't make abortion jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flij6k/you_need_a_delivery_to_make_a_joke/
%
Did you hear the joke about the two helium atoms?

He He

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fli9op/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_two_helium_atoms/
%
What do you call a musician with erectile dysfunction?

D flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fli9f0/what_do_you_call_a_musician_with_erectile/
%
Scientists have discovered that Male frogs have a mating call that is different from their normal sounds

"Rub it Rub it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fli6sc/scientists_have_discovered_that_male_frogs_have_a/
%
My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flhj26/my_wife_called_me_at_work_and_asked_do_you_ever/
%
You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there?

That's how my wife said she felt on our wedding day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flhfb8/you_know_when_you_walk_into_a_room_and_forget_why/
%
"I need help with a crossword," I told my wife. "Six letters, a group of people with common ancestry."

She said, "Tribal."
I said, "No, that's only four letters."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flh6wq/i_need_help_with_a_crossword_i_told_my_wife_six/
%
I TP’d my old maths teacher’s house last night.

He was always very supportive of me in school and I wanted to do something nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flglnj/i_tpd_my_old_maths_teachers_house_last_night/
%
why is soviet game night so bad?

no one wins at monopoly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flggqn/why_is_soviet_game_night_so_bad/
%
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They're both lookin for a tight seal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flgbr4/what_do_a_walrus_and_tupperware_have_in_common/
%
This bloke just came in my workplace shouting "vodka, tequila, sambuca!"

I said "Oi! I call the shots round here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flfnx9/this_bloke_just_came_in_my_workplace_shouting/
%
Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks

and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flfm16/half_of_us_are_gonna_come_out_of_this_quarantine/
%
What do you call it when a hooker farts?

A prosti-toot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flfgia/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_hooker_farts/
%
Stole my ex's wheelchair when we split

Guess who came crawling back!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flfb46/stole_my_exs_wheelchair_when_we_split/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flf9kb/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
Where do animals go when their tail falls off?

To the retail store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flf8vw/where_do_animals_go_when_their_tail_falls_off/
%
My girlfriend said that since being quarantined I’ve become “addicted” to porn...

which is a filthy, dirty, wet, gaping lie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flf11v/my_girlfriend_said_that_since_being_quarantined/
%
I have so much toilet paper

I literally wipe my ass with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flf0cx/i_have_so_much_toilet_paper/
%
Apparently the CDC is even limiting JOKES now? The CDC put out humor guidelines today asking Americans to limit themselves to

only telling inside jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fleo0g/apparently_the_cdc_is_even_limiting_jokes_now_the/
%
Talking to my elderly neighbor on the balcony during quarantine and he goes:

"The worst has yet to come. - What will it be? - The Jehova Witnesses know we are all stuck at home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flejc8/talking_to_my_elderly_neighbor_on_the_balcony/
%
My girlfriend left a post-it on the fridge saying "This isn't working"

But the light comes on and the food's still cold, so I don't know what she's on about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fle7s0/my_girlfriend_left_a_postit_on_the_fridge_saying/
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Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT?" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fle3j1/three_couples_went_in_to_see_the_minister_to_see/
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To the guy who invented zero

Thanks for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fle2de/to_the_guy_who_invented_zero/
%
How much does it cost to turn a Trump supporter into a socialist?

$1,000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fldqm9/how_much_does_it_cost_to_turn_a_trump_supporter/
%
Dear Diary. Day 8th of the quarantine. I am starting to get seriously concerned...

I started having thoughts of having sex with my own wife!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fldmkf/dear_diary_day_8th_of_the_quarantine_i_am/
%
A man goes on a business trip to Japan...

The night before his important meeting he decides to unwind with a hooker. As he's banging away, she screams "Nakamushi! Nakamushii!" not speaking much Japanese he assumes this is a complement to his outstanding performance.
His meeting the next day goes well and he's invited to play golf with the CEO of the company. On the 7th hole the CEO sinks an impressive putt and the guy thinks 'I'll impress him with my Japanese' so he applauds and shouts out "Nakamushi! Nakamushii!"
Puzzled, the CEO turns to him and asks "What do you mean 'Wrong hole, Wrong hole'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fldl8a/a_man_goes_on_a_business_trip_to_japan/
%
Canadian and Chinese man get into a car crash

Chinese man knows very little English.
Chinese man: I am sorry
Canadian: I am sorry too
Chinese man: I am sorry three
Canadian: What are you sorry for?
Chinese man: I am sorry five

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fldehy/canadian_and_chinese_man_get_into_a_car_crash/
%
Two cops are looking at a dog's butt

A coworker asks them what they're doing. They replied:"Some kid walked by and said, 'hey look, a dog with two assholes'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flde13/two_cops_are_looking_at_a_dogs_butt/
%
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flddz2/a_mormon_was_seated_next_to_an_irishman_on_a/
%
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy.  And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.
Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked
the same question.  Miss Johnson, with composure, replied,
"The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Dr. Parker.  "And now, Miss Smith, I have
three things to say to you.  One, you have not studied your
lesson.  Two, you have a dirty mind.  And three, you will
some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fldcxj/dr_parker_the_biology_instructor_at_a_posh/
%
I'm not worried about Drake getting Coronavirus.

He never gets with anything over 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fld91j/im_not_worried_about_drake_getting_coronavirus/
%
To the kids who teepeed my house this past Halloween:

The joke’s on you now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fld8ik/to_the_kids_who_teepeed_my_house_this_past/
%
The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television.

The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flcc0z/the_mind_that_calls_covid19_the_chinese_virus_on/
%
My girlfriend and I were coming up with baby boy names and we came across the name Saul.

I asked if he turned out to be a good person would his name change to Paul?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flc7xh/my_girlfriend_and_i_were_coming_up_with_baby_boy/
%
Scientist say ticks will be especially bad this year

Guess we're going to have some cases of Corona with Lyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flbx66/scientist_say_ticks_will_be_especially_bad_this/
%
I got a Russian Uber driver today.

His name was Pickup Andropov!!..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flbx52/i_got_a_russian_uber_driver_today/
%
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.
"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."
Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.
But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?"
Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach."
Stevie replies, "Midnight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flbrk6/at_a_celebrity_party_stevie_wonder_meets_golf/
%
Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!
I’ll let myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flbpkw/why_does_a_bored_chef_cut_herbs/
%
I wanted to tell a time travel joke...

...but you didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flbodt/i_wanted_to_tell_a_time_travel_joke/
%
My girlfriend is treating me like god...

...she doesn't speak to me unless she needs something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flbkpb/my_girlfriend_is_treating_me_like_god/
%
A General noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flbgi7/a_general_noticed_one_of_his_soldiers_behaving/
%
While in Quarantine, it's a great time to start a small business...

...because then you will have a little company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flbg26/while_in_quarantine_its_a_great_time_to_start_a/
%
Thankful for all the health care workers during this pandemic

Without dem, it would be a panic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flbamh/thankful_for_all_the_health_care_workers_during/
%
A man was driving home from work when he got a call from his wife...

“Be careful, honey,” she said. “I saw on the news that there’s some idiot going the wrong way on the highway that you take to get home.”
The man was confused.
“What do you mean?” he said. “There isn’t one person going the wrong way, there are hundreds of them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flb4vi/a_man_was_driving_home_from_work_when_he_got_a/
%
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flb1ei/today_i_was_invited_by_a_female_janitor_to_smoke/
%
It’s not that hard to get into the Naval Forces

I mean, we were all semen at one point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flb06e/its_not_that_hard_to_get_into_the_naval_forces/
%
Doctor: Sir your son has been born with no eyelids.

Father: Oh my, is their anything you can do.
Doctor: We may be able to use the skin from the circumcision but their is one problem.
Father: Oh no what is it.
Doctor: Your son will always be a little cock-eyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flaxjc/doctor_sir_your_son_has_been_born_with_no_eyelids/
%
Got in a big fight with my wife, told her she doesn’t agree with me on anything!

She said yes I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flap23/got_in_a_big_fight_with_my_wife_told_her_she/
%
A man has been robbed so he goes to the pet store to get a guard dog.

When he gets to the pet store he explains what he wants to the owner.
Owner: wait here for me. I’ve exactly what you’re looking for!
The man waits and a few minutes later the owner returns with an adorable puppy.
Man: I don’t think you understood, I want a dog that can protect me.
Owner: This isn’t just any puppy, it’s a ninja puppy!
Man: Not possible!
Owner: Let me show you. You just say attack twice and than the object you want the dog to attack. Watch! Attack, attack that pillow.
As promised, the dog rips the pillow to shreds. The man is very impressed and immediately purchases the dog. Later that day, his best friend comes over and asks him how he’s dealing.
Man: Very well actually, I just purchased a dog to protect me.
Friend: Where is it?
The man shows him the puppy and his friend immediately starts laughing.
Friend: That dog can’t protect you!
Man: Yes it can, I tell it what to attack and it rips it to shreds!
Friend: Attack, attack... my ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/flamwp/a_man_has_been_robbed_so_he_goes_to_the_pet_store/
%
My friend is homeschooling but it's not going well

Had to fire the teacher for drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fla5lv/my_friend_is_homeschooling_but_its_not_going_well/
%
Pandemic dating is weird. Last night I asked a girl at the grocery store for her digits ...

And she wrote down her temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fla32w/pandemic_dating_is_weird_last_night_i_asked_a/
%
Quarantine booty call:

\- Come over.
\- Can't, I'm in self isolation
\- But my parents aren't home...
\- WHY THE FUCK NOT?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl9zao/quarantine_booty_call/
%
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a termite?

One eats the houses, and the other houses the eats!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl9rqm/whats_the_difference_between_a_refrigerator_and_a/
%
How many doors does a chicken coop have?

Three. Two on the sides and one in the BOK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl9pfu/how_many_doors_does_a_chicken_coop_have/
%
How ugly are you?

I take 10 pictures of myself and delete 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl9lrl/how_ugly_are_you/
%
I gave the woman next door the coronavirus.

Her husband's fuming.
And I feel morally guilty.
It goes against everything I was taught.
Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbour's wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl9h9z/i_gave_the_woman_next_door_the_coronavirus/
%
My ex randomly hit me up telling me she was feeling lonely and wanted some company....

No lie I kinda missed her too so I told her to come through. We hang for a bit and then she went up to go to the bathroom to "freshen up". Next thing I know this motherfucker gone and I have no toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl9f0p/my_ex_randomly_hit_me_up_telling_me_she_was/
%
What do my wife and dog have in common

They both get excited when i bring out the leash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl9cfn/what_do_my_wife_and_dog_have_in_common/
%
A professor, a janitor, and the school's principal are leaving for the day when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After just a few minutes, he can't take the kids' screaming any longer, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The principal says "I'll be a waitress. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze." She is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive her insane, so she smashes her plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'd like to be an artist." He is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, and sells it for several million dollars. The fairy asks the janitor "The other two did not go well at their job. How were you able to become so successful?"
The janitor says "I have a masters degree in art."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl993q/a_professor_a_janitor_and_the_schools_principal/
%
What did the girl say to the hot European?

Czech him out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl98qa/what_did_the_girl_say_to_the_hot_european/
%
Why are condoms never black?

Because black makes you look thinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl90x7/why_are_condoms_never_black/
%
A guy goes door to door looking for work.

One homeowner hands him a brush and a can of paint and offers him $150 to paint his porch.
A few hours later, the guy comes back to the homeowner and says, “I’m finished. But you should know that your car’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl8zw7/a_guy_goes_door_to_door_looking_for_work/
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I haven’t seen this one here before...

What’s the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the hint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl8ygc/i_havent_seen_this_one_here_before/
%
The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room.  If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the second man, and tells him the same thing.  The man enters the room and is silent for five minutes.  He comes out crying and says he can't do it.  He is subsequently sent home.
The recruiter then tells the woman the same thing, that her husband is in the interrogation room and that she must kill him.  She snatches the gun from him and storms into the room.  There is immediately the sound of gunshots, followed by a loud banging noise, until finally silence.
She storms out of the room and slams the gun on the floor, "This gun is loaded with blanks!  I had to beat him to death with the fucking chair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl8v5v/the_cia_is_running_a_recruitment_program_for/
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French Woman

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl8r4v/french_woman/
%
I'm a lot like parking in LA.

I require constant validation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl8m1d/im_a_lot_like_parking_in_la/
%
News just in: Finland to close their borders because of COVID-19

Looks like no one will be able to cross the Finnish line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl8lm5/news_just_in_finland_to_close_their_borders/
%
Someone once asked me if memes could exist in superposition.

Well yes, but actually, no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl8j22/someone_once_asked_me_if_memes_could_exist_in/
%
Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To hide their buttquacks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl84uk/why_do_ducks_have_tail_feathers/
%
A physicist got stabbed in the chest with a harpoon

His last words were, “This is normal to me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl7xwb/a_physicist_got_stabbed_in_the_chest_with_a/
%
Chuck Norris has tested positive for Coronavirus

After months of excruciating pain the virus died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl7vgf/chuck_norris_has_tested_positive_for_coronavirus/
%
I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.

It was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl7o0k/i_went_to_the_zoo_today_and_saw_some_toast_in_a/
%
Blind man walks into a shopping mall

Picks up his lead dog by the leash and starts spinning over his head.
Security: ah, sir, what are you doing?
Blind man: nothing, why? Just looking around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl7l94/blind_man_walks_into_a_shopping_mall/
%
Why did the Coronavirus cross the road?

Cuz it likes to walk old people to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl7evx/why_did_the_coronavirus_cross_the_road/
%
Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.
Comrade Stalin who is the only viewer in an auditorium slowly lights his pipe and takes a few puffs.
“Don’t you think that this guy with his mustache looks very much similar to comrade Stalin?”
Stalin takes a few puffs. “I think right decision will be to execute director and scriptwriter of that play”. A few puffs. “Execute all actors and musicians”. A few puffs.  ”and all other personal of theater as well as all their families”.
Director, actors and all other staff watch him in total horror.
And than speaks some young handyman. “Maybe the actor should shave off his mustache?”
“Or something like that” says comrade Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl7c36/once_upon_a_time_in_soviet_russia_a_comedy/
%
Do you know why reddit has the concept of cake day?

Because everyone knows you're not celebrating your real birthday with anyone.
^(It was my birthday a while ago. It's my cake day tomorrow, and here I am.)
Edit : oh my god why. This is already the biggest birthday bash I’ve ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl7c2f/do_you_know_why_reddit_has_the_concept_of_cake_day/
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I woke up this morning...

I woke up this morning to find all by books and knick-knacks scattered all over the floor.
I've only got my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl7587/i_woke_up_this_morning/
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Blind man goes for surgery

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.
"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."
"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.
"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl74jt/blind_man_goes_for_surgery/
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2 guys are hunting..

In the woods and they come across a sheep stuck in the fence.  1st guy says, "hey dude,  I'm not gonna lie, I haven't had sex in a while.  I'm going to fuck that sheep."
So the guy bangs the sheep from behind and says, "you want a turn?"
2nd guy says, "hell yeah, that looks fun."
So the 2nd guy puts his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl6eqc/2_guys_are_hunting/
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I know it’s nothing to laugh about now but in years to come this whole quarantine thing is going to be...

...a really good inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl6705/i_know_its_nothing_to_laugh_about_now_but_in/
%
Your mom is so fat

that her favorite piece of jewelry is the food chain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl61rn/your_mom_is_so_fat/
%
What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street?

Au!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl5yw6/what_did_silver_say_when_it_saw_gold_walking/
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Coronavirus alerts across the world

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastard." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl5voj/coronavirus_alerts_across_the_world/
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Steam hissing out from under his hood, a Walrus pulls his convertible into a service station...

The service station attendant looks over and says "looks like you've blown a seal"
"No I haven't," says the Walrus, "I've just finished an ice-cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl5hii/steam_hissing_out_from_under_his_hood_a_walrus/
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What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl5dcv/whats_the_difference_between_wuhan_and_las_vegas/
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There’s three paraplegics. One is floating in water, one is on your door step and one is hanging on your wall.

Meet Bob, Matt and Art.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl581t/theres_three_paraplegics_one_is_floating_in_water/
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I was explaining to my third wife that I had been married twice before, and that both marriages tragically ended in death.

Intrigued, the wife asks “How did they die?”
I explain “My first wife died after eating poisoned mushrooms while we were on our honeymoon.”
She says “I’m so sorry to hear that. What about the second wife?”
I respond with “She died of a mortal head injury. Fortunately for her, her suffering wasn’t long.”
“How did she injure her head?” my wife asks.
“Because she wouldn’t eat her mushrooms,” I explain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl4zs1/i_was_explaining_to_my_third_wife_that_i_had_been/
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How do you make a Clown cry

You throw a brick at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl4y6u/how_do_you_make_a_clown_cry/
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Two Germans are at a pub in London after a long day of business meetings.

They're having a good 'ol laugh amongst eachother when one of them passes out on the floor.  Not having been to Britain before, the other man cries out asking what number to call for help.
The bartender yells: "Nine, Nine, Nine"
To which the German replies: "Fuck you my friend needs help"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl4ukm/two_germans_are_at_a_pub_in_london_after_a_long/
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Believe it or not, Satan took a shot at being a YouTuber

His channel got loads views
Too bad he didn't make a penny though
The channel got demonetized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl4tt4/believe_it_or_not_satan_took_a_shot_at_being_a/
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"What's in a name?"

Son: Dad why did you named my sister Teresa?
Dad: It's cause your mom loved Easter, Teresa is an anagram.
Son: Oh wow now I got it dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl4mjh/whats_in_a_name/
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Why are gay people bad at Poker?

They can't keep a straight face
(no offense to gay people)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl4l8b/why_are_gay_people_bad_at_poker/
%
What is the opposite of adulting?

Just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl4gay/what_is_the_opposite_of_adulting/
%
With the quarantine and all the bars closed, I got some opportunity to talk to my wife.

She actually seems like a nice person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl4g59/with_the_quarantine_and_all_the_bars_closed_i_got/
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Two men are discussing a business transaction.

Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"
Seller: "You mean a choir?"
Buyer: \**visibly frustrated*\* "Fine, how much does it cost to *acquire* a singing ensemble?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl4ffy/two_men_are_discussing_a_business_transaction/
%
The most offensive thing as a black man is when you walking down the street and an old white woman clutches her purse.

Bitch really thinks she stronger than me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl4dz1/the_most_offensive_thing_as_a_black_man_is_when/
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I was going to make a gay joke

Butt fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl4bjq/i_was_going_to_make_a_gay_joke/
%
Did you hear about the gym for kids?

It’s called Gymmy Saville

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl4567/did_you_hear_about_the_gym_for_kids/
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There have been several small quakes in California since the beginning of the COVID19 outbreak, and scientists have determined that San Diego and Oceanside are now about 6 feet further apart.

They’re calling it SoCal distancing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl3zwh/there_have_been_several_small_quakes_in/
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A woman in labor suddenly shouted "couldnt","Wouldnt","Didnt", "cant!"

The doctor said, Dont worry, they are just contractions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl3z71/a_woman_in_labor_suddenly_shouted/
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What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

A Re-morse code

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl3xtr/what_do_you_call_an_apology_written_in_dots_and/
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What do you use to make pickled bread?

Dill dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl3wvu/what_do_you_use_to_make_pickled_bread/
%
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?

The Bartender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl3vde/a_guy_named_bart_walks_into_a_bar_he_immediately/
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Did you hear about the blind guy who was killed by a man masturbating in a pennywise costume?

He never saw IT cumming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl3nf9/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_guy_who_was_killed/
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Money can't buy you happiness...

... and toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl3lrl/money_cant_buy_you_happiness/
%
Doctor: Don't be nervous, David. It's just a simple heart surgery.

Patient: My name is not David.
Doctor: I know... I'm David.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl3i87/doctor_dont_be_nervous_david_its_just_a_simple/
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I hope the coronavirus is a girl.

Then I won't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl3gpo/i_hope_the_coronavirus_is_a_girl/
%
So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.
"Doctor I cant taste anything!"
Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.
The lawyer quickly spits it out and says "UGH that's gasoline!"
Doc gets his $100.
Lawyer comes back the next day to try again, and claims he has lost his memory.
Doc says "No problem, nurse bring me vial 43!"
Lawyer says "But that's the gasoline!!".
Doc happily takes his $100, and lawyer walks out quite frustrated.
Finally on the third day the lawyer thinks he has the solution. Goes in and tells the Doc he has lost his sight.
Doc ponders a second and finally let's out a sigh. He begrudgingly walks the lawyer out to the cash register and hands him five $1 bills.
Lawyer says, "Hey wait that's only $5!"
Doc smiles and says "That'll be $100."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl3g7v/so_a_doctor_starts_up_a_practice_and_decides_to/
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Why do we put candles on top of a cake?

Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl3cw2/why_do_we_put_candles_on_top_of_a_cake/
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A woman ordered a dildo on Amazon and it finally arrived and she couldn't wait to use it.....

It was called The Magic Dildo. The instructions said that all you have to do is say "Magic dildo my vagina" and then it will do its thing.
So she eagerly said "Magic dildo my vagina" and sure enough the dildo floated in the air and flew up her skirt and started giving her pleasure.
It was so good that she started screaming and moaning making a bunch of noise.
That's when her neighbor in the apartment complex started banging on her door wondering what was going on.
He said "Are you OK in there." she came to the door and said "Yes I'm sorry, I apologize it was my magic dildo. I'll keep it down."
The neighbor man said "Yeah right lady there's no such thing."
"Magic dildo my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl353w/a_woman_ordered_a_dildo_on_amazon_and_it_finally/
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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"
"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl31rk/satan_arrives_to_welcome_a_new_damned_soul_to_hell/
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During an accident in the lab, a scientist was cooled to absolute zero.

Don't worry, he's 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl30i4/during_an_accident_in_the_lab_a_scientist_was/
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The Preacher's Faith in God

A preacher who was not able to swim fell into the ocean when he was alone out fishing. Later, a boat came by and asked the preacher if he needed help. Calmly, the preacher replied, "No, God will save me." Just a little later, a fisherman in a boat came by, asking the preacher if he needed help. Once again, the preacher said, "No, God will save me." Pretty soon, the preacher drowned and went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool! I sent you two boats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl2yux/the_preachers_faith_in_god/
%
A zombie walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here."
So two zombies walk out of the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl2tgx/a_zombie_walks_into_a_bar/
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My friend is rich...

Dude has so much toilet paper, he is literally wiping his ass with it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl2rcd/my_friend_is_rich/
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I’m pretty sure I won’t get COVID-19...

I mean, I haven’t even seen the first one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl2ohw/im_pretty_sure_i_wont_get_covid19/
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What happens when your dinner table catches the coronavirus?

It turns into a coughy table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl2itz/what_happens_when_your_dinner_table_catches_the/
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Remember when you feel as if time slowed down?

It's caused by the gravity of the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl2dh3/remember_when_you_feel_as_if_time_slowed_down/
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It was 11 years ago that my pal James came running out the room shouting "it's a boy, it's a boy"with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl27v5/it_was_11_years_ago_that_my_pal_james_came/
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Don’t know why my fishing buddy is worried about getting the corona virus

He never catches anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl1z10/dont_know_why_my_fishing_buddy_is_worried_about/
%
Which condiment needs to use the bathroom urgently

Must-turd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl1xlh/which_condiment_needs_to_use_the_bathroom_urgently/
%
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, it's not four. My basement is pitch black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl1x5m/how_many_dead_prostitutes_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
Day one of homeschool teaching

I can’t believe my boyfriend is sleeping with his sons teacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl1nar/day_one_of_homeschool_teaching/
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Everyone is freaking out and hoarding toilet paper but I’m thinking 12 year ahead...

And hoarding shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl1bb0/everyone_is_freaking_out_and_hoarding_toilet/
%
A baby polar bear asks his mom

"Momma am I 100% polar bear?"
"Of course you're 100% polar bear" she answers "go ask your father."
So he asks  "Daddy am I a 100% polar bear?"
"Of course you're 100% polar bear.
I'm 100% polar bear, your mom's 100% polar bear.
Her parents are 100% polar bear,
my parents are 100% polar bear.
You are 100% polar bear!
Why do you ask?"
"Cause I'm fucking freezing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl194a/a_baby_polar_bear_asks_his_mom/
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A jew is in the hospital with Coronavirus

Moishe was put into a hospital with a confirmed case of Coronavirus, and so, is obviously quarantined.
The doctor came in and Moishe asked “Doctor, what can I be treated with?”
“Well,” said the doctor, “from today, you’ll be on a strict Matzah diet.”
“Matzah diet?”
“Yeah. Matzah for breakfast, matzah for lunch and matzah for dinner.”
“And that’s gonna help, doctor?”
The doctor considered him for a moment and said “Help? It might, or it might not. But its the only food that fits under the door.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl0o0y/a_jew_is_in_the_hospital_with_coronavirus/
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a dick's life

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl0i17/a_dicks_life/
%
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?

He got a bright idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl06ij/how_did_thomas_edison_invent_the_lightbulb/
%
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection...

Judge says, 'First offender?'
Woman says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl05p4/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
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I swiped left because her Tinder profile looked scary.

I was afraid I might get ghosted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl03s1/i_swiped_left_because_her_tinder_profile_looked/
%
What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fl02rm/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
%
The first time using an elevator is a pretty uplifting experience.

The second time will let you down though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkzxur/the_first_time_using_an_elevator_is_a_pretty/
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I am going to start a business selling toilet paper by the sheet,

I am trying to decide whether to call it "SheetLoad" or "ButtCoin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkzw1d/i_am_going_to_start_a_business_selling_toilet/
%
Every morning, my neighbor gets on his tractor, and starts yelling, “The End is near!”

I hate staying next to Farmer Geddon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkzn4v/every_morning_my_neighbor_gets_on_his_tractor_and/
%
Why are there two D's in "Reddit?"

The second one is a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkzky2/why_are_there_two_ds_in_reddit/
%
What does a catholic priest and 2nd place have in common?

Both come in a little behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkzj40/what_does_a_catholic_priest_and_2nd_place_have_in/
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I dont get the jokes about pumped up kicks

They must be aimed at younger audiences

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkz783/i_dont_get_the_jokes_about_pumped_up_kicks/
%
NSFW

Going to work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkz69b/nsfw/
%
Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets it.

And don’t say this is a repost because it’s our joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkyywt/communist_jokes_arent_funny_unless_everyone_gets/
%
Two bros were chatting it up at the gym between sets.

1: hey bro, you won’t believe it.
2: what, bro?
1: someone stole all my protein powder
2: no whey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkyi9f/two_bros_were_chatting_it_up_at_the_gym_between/
%
Why do geese fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkye8q/why_do_geese_fly_south_for_the_winter/
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People are hoarding toilet paper because their assholes

damn, i always mix up their and they're

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkyd3n/people_are_hoarding_toilet_paper_because_their/
%
My disabled friend told me a joke.

It wasn’t funny, I guess he’s not a stand up comedian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fky78p/my_disabled_friend_told_me_a_joke/
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What did the Black death say to Coronavirus?

Well Plagued!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkxzt8/what_did_the_black_death_say_to_coronavirus/
%
What starts with T, ends in T and has T in it ?

Teapot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkxhtz/what_starts_with_t_ends_in_t_and_has_t_in_it/
%
If they close grocery stores because of corona virus...

...we will need to start hunting again, and I don't even know where burgers live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkxgbm/if_they_close_grocery_stores_because_of_corona/
%
I finally lost it with the hoarding!

Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper.
I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself.
He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkx8yy/i_finally_lost_it_with_the_hoarding/
%
I put Truck Nuts on my fleet of Volkswagen Beetles

And now I have genital Herbies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkx8hb/i_put_truck_nuts_on_my_fleet_of_volkswagen_beetles/
%
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkwvsx/my_first_time_using_an_elevator_was_an_uplifting/
%
My wife says I'm a clueless idiot.

I didn't even know I had a wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkwvdg/my_wife_says_im_a_clueless_idiot/
%
A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes

My dogs don't even own bikes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkwunc/a_policeman_just_knocked_on_my_door_and_said_my/
%
Did you know that 77% of the world is stupid?

Luckily I'm the other 33%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkwubq/did_you_know_that_77_of_the_world_is_stupid/
%
COVID-19 - It’s in the game

If you think COVID-19 is bad, you’ll be terrified to hear that EA Sports have bought the rights to COVID-20.
Surviving, vaccine and toilet paper are chargeable DLC packs - with Pay-to-Live (PTL) packs available from Season 2 onwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkwszn/covid19_its_in_the_game/
%
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.

I just don't see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkwr1z/my_wife_claims_that_a_man_in_camouflage_is_really/
%
Comic Sans walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Get out, we don't serve your type!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkwoxf/comic_sans_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
%
Why was the iPhone wearing glasses?

It lost all its contacts.
Part of my WFH agreement is that I have to check in with my Director (I'm IT PM) every day, so rather than just saying "morning - I'm on!" I am sending her a silly IT joke :D Any good suggestions?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkwo0e/why_was_the_iphone_wearing_glasses/
%
News Flash........... News Flash.

Isis suicide bomber kills himself & 78 other family members after deciding to work from home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkwglp/news_flash_news_flash/
%
Two explorers discover two adjacent islands, both inhabited by indigenous tribes...

They want to be the first to contact these tribes, learn their language, and report their findings as soon as possible. To help speed things up, they decide to split up to an island each, learn the languages of each tribe, and meet back up later to discuss findings.
After a couple weeks, one explorer visits the other. The second explorer exclaims that he's made great progress and found an interesting discovery. He brings the first explorer to the tribe, gets the tribesmen's attention, and points to a rock. The tribesmen say in unison, "Umbalo-gong!" The explorer then points to a tree, and again the tribesman say, "Umbalo-gong!"
"You see?" The explorer excitedly tells his colleague, "these villagers have the same word for 'rock' as they do for 'tree!' Isn't that incredible?"
"What's even *more* incredible," his colleague replies, "is that on my island, the villagers use the exact same word for 'index finger!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkwdiv/two_explorers_discover_two_adjacent_islands_both/
%
A monk was checking his emails.

A woman saw this and looked at him weirdly,
Soon she approached him and asked
"is it okay for monks to use emails?"
The monk said "Ofcourse its okay for Monks to use Emails,
As long as there are no attachments"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkwd75/a_monk_was_checking_his_emails/
%
I’m hosting a charity event for men struggling to ejaculate

let me know if you can’t come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkwd49/im_hosting_a_charity_event_for_men_struggling_to/
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I just wanted to share some exciting news! Today I was the unexpected high bidder in an auction for the worlds best sounding pigeon...

It is quite a coup!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkwax7/i_just_wanted_to_share_some_exciting_news_today_i/
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Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?

Because she was thicc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkw5cf/why_did_the_guy_with_a_lisp_hit_on_the_girl_with/
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My grandfather said: if one door is closing - another will be open

Wise man, but terrible cupboard-maker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkw1db/my_grandfather_said_if_one_door_is_closing/
%
How do you end school shootings?

Release a virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkvuk5/how_do_you_end_school_shootings/
%
My waterproof speaker got damaged when I threw it into the pool.

I filed a request for a replacement but they denied my request saying, "It's not our fault the pool was empty".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkvnvu/my_waterproof_speaker_got_damaged_when_i_threw_it/
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Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."
But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."
So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.
"Sorry," says the owner, "no pets allowed."
"But this is my seeing-eye dog," the guy with the Dalmatian says.
"A Dalmatian?"
"Yes, they're using them now."
The owner says, "Very well, then, come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
"But this is my seeing-eye dog," says the second guy.
"A Chihuahua?" asks the incredulous owner.
"A Chihuahua?!" says the man in the dark glasses. "They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
**EDIT: To have made someone laugh, is probably the greatest feeling (okay, let's just say it's pretty awesome; ONE of the greatest feelings there is) as I'm sure Robin woulda agreed to, so--thank you one and all for appreciating the joke so much--I did too, which is the reason I chose to post it and share; thought we could all have a good laugh right about now with all the Coronavirus shit going on... hope all of you guys are well, and staying safe out there... and a special mention to my benefactors (i'll try and find out who you guys are and hopefully record your names): thank you very much for the glitter; looks amazing!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkvj3l/two_friends_are_walking_their_dogsa_dalmatian_and/
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Have you heard this one?

A cold winter Sunday, an old lady is walking into the church and sees two kids with their pants down, sitting in the snow. The lady asks, " Why are you doing that?"
One replies," Oh, the priest likes a couple of cold ones after the sermon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkvgxi/have_you_heard_this_one/
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It’s a shame coronavirus affects the infirm and elderly most

If it affected idiocy instead there’d be a lot more toilet paper available

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkv6ti/its_a_shame_coronavirus_affects_the_infirm_and/
%
Weird guy on a bus stop

keeps kissing every bus he can find. Going from one bus to another, he caresses them gently and sweet talks them while people keep staring. He doesn't care and keeps doing it.
One of the fresh bystanders realises that it's actually a good friend of his so he quickly runs over and asks him through his teeth: "John, what the hell are you doing? People already think you're weird and now this?"
John replies: "Shut up, one of them ran over my wife, and I don't know which one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkutqe/weird_guy_on_a_bus_stop/
%
A guy desperately wants to meet the pope.

He travels to the Vatican and stands in the plaza waiting for the pope to appear. The pope walks right past him. Disappointed, he thinks 'I have to stand out! I have to look good so the pope sees me!' He goes to the finest tailor in Italy and gets the works. The suit, shoes, watch, etc. The next day he goes to the plaza. The pope walks right past him. Saddened, he realizes that a lot of people are dressed up just like him so he thinks 'Tomorrow I'll stand next to a bum so the contrast is obvious! He takes his position next to the bum when the pope walks out and the pope starts walking toward him but instead of greeting the man, the pope whispers into the bums ear.
Damn! he thinks, of course! It's the pope! I'm not going to impress him with fancy clothes! The next morning, he finds the bum and offers to trade clothes. He gives the bum all his expensive finery for the bums rags. He goes to the plaza and to ensure his plan will work he stands next to the dressed-up bum. The pope emerges and sees the two out of the corner of his eye and walks toward them. The man is elated as the pope bends toward his ear and whispers 'I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkur34/a_guy_desperately_wants_to_meet_the_pope/
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What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people
A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkum0u/whats_the_difference_between_a_rock_guitarist_and/
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A college guy works for a farmer bailing hay over the summer...

Farmer: “You’ve done a great job working for me this summer. I want to throw you a party before you go back to college. Hope you like to drink.”
College Guy: “Oh yeah! Being in college, I’ve learned how to throw a few back.”
Farmer: “There probably will be some fighting.”
College guy: “No problem by me. Bailing hay this summer has made me strong. I will hold my own.”
Farmer: Good! There is going to be a lot fucking too.
College Guy: “Hell yeah! I haven’t been around any women this summer because of work. What Should I wear?”
Farmer: “I don’t give a shit! It’s just going to be you and me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkuj6o/a_college_guy_works_for_a_farmer_bailing_hay_over/
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If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.

He'll be happy to help you beat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkufzo/if_you_are_addicted_to_masturbation_talk_to_a/
%
I wondered why the truck was getting bigger

Then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkudf4/i_wondered_why_the_truck_was_getting_bigger/
%
[husband mopping blood off the floor]

**Wife:** OMG!
**Husband:** honey, I can explain...
**Wife:** you're cleaning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkubhv/husband_mopping_blood_off_the_floor/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To socially distance themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fku9p8/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
TRUMP IS NOT MY PRESIDENT!

Because I live in Pakistan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fku7ne/trump_is_not_my_president/
%
How do you know Joe Biden is a neoliberal?

He's always talking about his one black friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fku61n/how_do_you_know_joe_biden_is_a_neoliberal/
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Redneck goes to the doctor

Doctor: Bubba, you have AIDS
Bubba: Nowadays you can't even trust your own mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fktxfj/redneck_goes_to_the_doctor/
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I asked my wife what size freezer we should buy.

She responded, "How tall are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fktok3/i_asked_my_wife_what_size_freezer_we_should_buy/
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Two cows were discussing the Mad cow disease outbreak.

'it could affect us cows badly.' says the first cow.
'Im not a cow,' says the second cow, ' I'm a helicopter.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fktmux/two_cows_were_discussing_the_mad_cow_disease/
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Since we’ve all started washing our hands...

...next week we will begin shapes and colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fktllg/since_weve_all_started_washing_our_hands/
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What's a pregnant woman for a cannibal?

Kinder Surprise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fktlib/whats_a_pregnant_woman_for_a_cannibal/
%
Young, healthy people need to take Covid-19 seriously.

Even though I am not at risk of dying from the condition, I have the responsibility to not spread the virus to a point where the healthcare needs exceed our capacity. If I am going to be the reason someone's grandma dies, it should be because of how good I am in bed, not because I sneezed in the produce section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fktgtu/young_healthy_people_need_to_take_covid19/
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Bf took me to get undies and he wanted to embarass me and he said real loud

"I can't wait to rip these off with my teeth" then I replied with : "seriously you need to stop, you're my brother." And i won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fktgpd/bf_took_me_to_get_undies_and_he_wanted_to/
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What does Coors beer and having sex in a canoe have in common?

They're both fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fktfl0/what_does_coors_beer_and_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
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A woman goes to a pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms.

The man says, “Yes, would you like to buy some?” The woman replies, “No, but do you mind if I wait until someone does?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fktddq/a_woman_goes_to_a_pharmacy_and_asks_if_they_sell/
%
Farmer

A man wants to purchase some farmland, but is wary of the bees on the property. The farmer thinks the bees are harmless so he makes the prospective buyer a deal: He'll tie the buyer naked to a tree that has a bee hive for an hour, and if any bee stings him, the farmer will GIVE him the land for free.
The farmer ties the buyer up and leaves. He comes back an hour later and finds the buyer nearly unconscious. The farmer asks, "Are you all right?"
The buyer replies,
Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fktbo0/farmer/
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Why did Coronavirus force Microsoft to close their stores?

Research suggests it can live for three days on surfaces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkt3sj/why_did_coronavirus_force_microsoft_to_close/
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A young Englishman invites his mother to dinner.

During the dinner his mother catches a whiff of sexual tension between her son and his housekeeper. She quizzes her son, but he insists there’s nothing between them.
As she’s cleaning up, the housekeeper notices the silver gravy ladle has gone missing. They both search but can’t find it. After several days, the Englishman phones his mother.
“Dear Mother, I’m not accusing you of taking my silver gravy ladle, but it hasn’t been seen since our dinner and we’ve had no other visitors. I’m wondering if you might know where it is.”
“Dear Son, I’m not accusing you of improprieties with your housekeeper, but if she were sleeping in her own bed she would’ve found the gravy ladle by now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkswcz/a_young_englishman_invites_his_mother_to_dinner/
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[NSFW] Do you know why they call it COVID-19?

Because it had to be over 18 to fuck us over this hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fksn6h/nsfw_do_you_know_why_they_call_it_covid19/
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Where do fat bees live?

A bee city

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkskru/where_do_fat_bees_live/
%
A Man Walks into a Bar

You really believed he walked into a bar?  All the bars are closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fksic3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between the moon and the female g spot

We have videos to prove that men have been to the  moon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkrprs/whats_the_difference_between_the_moon_and_the/
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Finland have just closed their borders....

Which means no one can cross the finish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkrnaw/finland_have_just_closed_their_borders/
%
Feel free to live it up a little while trapped inside this week.

What happens in quarantine stays in quarantine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkrg26/feel_free_to_live_it_up_a_little_while_trapped/
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I left my girlfriend after walking in on her masturbating with a Planter's jar.

She was fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkrdp9/i_left_my_girlfriend_after_walking_in_on_her/
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My dad called. He said he's coming back home after all this years.

The Boomer Rang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkrcvu/my_dad_called_he_said_hes_coming_back_home_after/
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What do you call a group of depressed virgins

Redditors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkratp/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_depressed_virgins/
%
So a Bear walks into a bar...

The bear says "I'll take a large rum...
and a coke."
The bartender says "Hey man, why the big paws?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkr8pa/so_a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How can you tell if your toilet's been running?

It's flushed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkr565/how_can_you_tell_if_your_toilets_been_running/
%
America is having such bad lucky recently like it’s cursed!

It’s almost as if it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkr3vm/america_is_having_such_bad_lucky_recently_like/
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2020 Seems like it was written by someone in 4th grade .

World war three almost started and there was a big virus and everyone was scared and people died and we got let out of school for a like month and the world  ran out of toilet paper and we had to stay home and it snowed. The End

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkr355/2020_seems_like_it_was_written_by_someone_in_4th/
%
My lil brother wanted to make a herb bouquet.

My little brother wanted to make a herb bouquet for his school assignment. So i helped him to make it. It took us 5 hours to collect all kinds of herbs from our garden and made an amazing bouquet. But the next morning, when he had to go to school, the herbs were dried and ugly.
Turns out, all it was, was a big waste of my thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkr2yx/my_lil_brother_wanted_to_make_a_herb_bouquet/
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My wife, she's such a snob!

She got Covid 20

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkquft/my_wife_shes_such_a_snob/
%
The first animal to be mechanically milked must have been pumped

I know its an old joke, and I'm milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkqtzu/the_first_animal_to_be_mechanically_milked_must/
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The stock market crashed and the bars are closed

this sure feels like the 20s
(from r/showerthoughts)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkqlfa/the_stock_market_crashed_and_the_bars_are_closed/
%
A homeless man with poor clothing is walking one day when he sees a church is having a service so he goes inside. When he gets inside a person walks up to him looks at his clothes and tells him to leave.

The man goes and sits outside and has a small cry when a voice behind him says "whats wrong"?. When he explains what has happened the voice replies don't worry  my son my name is god and I have been trying to get into that place for years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkqhl9/a_homeless_man_with_poor_clothing_is_walking_one/
%
If couples are called lovebirds,

Couples that argue should be called angry birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkqays/if_couples_are_called_lovebirds/
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What do you say if a dude asks if you want a pamphlet?

Brochure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkq0a6/what_do_you_say_if_a_dude_asks_if_you_want_a/
%
How is sex different from baseball?

Tossing your bat in front of a crowd won't get you arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkpn75/how_is_sex_different_from_baseball/
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Getting screwed

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him that he could be sexually accommodated.
An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the salesman.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man slid his $20 in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkpmrx/getting_screwed/
%
Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.
After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony.  ”So, Johnny, what did you find out?”
Johnny looks at his notebook: Well, Christopher is practicing his saxophone.  The Jones family started a garden on their balcony... The Golds are busy repainting their apartment...  And, Mr. and Mrs. Brown are busy fucking.”
”What?! How do you know the Browns were... uh... *making love?*” Mr. Smith asks.
Johnny answers: “Well, because, my friend George Brown was out on his balcony with a popsicle and a notebook!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkpjkq/stuck_in_their_apartment_with_their_kid_during/
%
The real reason all the libraries are closing is not to help stop the spread of infection.

Its becuase after all the toilet paper was gone, people all started to check out the books with 1000+ pages

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkpbcl/the_real_reason_all_the_libraries_are_closing_is/
%
My brother recently adopted a chimp

Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkp1u1/my_brother_recently_adopted_a_chimp/
%
10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates...

St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven.  He asks the first girl,
"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?"  Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger."  Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool of holy water before them and then she may enter heaven.  Next,
"So Christine, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Christine says, "Well, I once fondled a man with my hand."  Peter tells Christine to dip her whole hand into the holy water to enter.
Suddenly, there's a commotion coming from the back of the pack of girls, where Agatha is pushing her way up to the front.
"Why so eager Agatha?" Agatha responds:
"Cause if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I'm going to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkp057/10_catholic_school_girls_are_on_a_bus_when_they/
%
What's brown and not very heavy ?

Light brown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkowf0/whats_brown_and_not_very_heavy/
%
Members of a synagogue are having a terrible argument...

...Do you stand for the repetition of the Amidah \[prayer\] or do you sit?
Half the congregation says “We always stand.” The other half says, “No, no, no, you sit.”
They’re arguing and screaming at each other. Finally they go see the last surviving founder of the shul. They say, “Mr. Birnbaum, you have to solve this for us. Do you sit for the whole repetition of the Amidah?”
“That’s not the tradition,” he replies.
“So we stand?”
“That’s not the tradition.”
“Mr. Birnbaum, we’re screaming and yelling at each other...”
“THAT’s the tradition!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkorhd/members_of_a_synagogue_are_having_a_terrible/
%
A farmer and his laborer are out on the field doing some fencing.

The laborer says: "Uhm, farmer, it looks like rain."
Farmer: "I think you're right, go get my rubber boots for me!'
Laborer: "Do I have to?"
Farmer: "Listen, as you are more standing around than working, you have to."
The laborer goes to the farm house and enters the kitchen where the farmer's wife and daughter are preparing dinner.
Laborer: "The farmer sent me to give both of you a proper fuck!"
The women are shocked: "No, he didn't!"
The laborer opens the window and calls the farmer over the field: "Farmer, both of them?"
Farmer: "What? Of course both of them, you moron!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkonah/a_farmer_and_his_laborer_are_out_on_the_field/
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Who needs 100 rolls of toilet paper?

Overheard in a local supermarket parking lot:
*6 adults pass by pushing carts overloaded with toilet paper*
KID: Why do they need so much toilet paper daddy?
DAD: Coz they're assholes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkolht/who_needs_100_rolls_of_toilet_paper/
%
2020 is the 5th leap year in this century

If you divide 2020 by 5. You will get 404
So basically this entire year is an error!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkol1b/2020_is_the_5th_leap_year_in_this_century/
%
How are condoms and poop bags alike?

If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkok6f/how_are_condoms_and_poop_bags_alike/
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Blind Date

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name" he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No, as a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy the most- Cars and Men. Therefore, I chose Carmen. What is your name?"
He answered, "B.J. Titsengolf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkofkj/blind_date/
%
What do you call a psychic dwarf who just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkodr1/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_dwarf_who_just_escaped/
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Instead of Reddit we should call it...

Recycleit, because it is just the same old shit over and over and over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkocri/instead_of_reddit_we_should_call_it/
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My friend hoarded five pallets of toilet paper rolls but ran out of money for food and medicine. Then he says “I wonder if toilet paper is edible?”...

Ass King for a friend...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fko6to/my_friend_hoarded_five_pallets_of_toilet_paper/
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Find a joke about fruit

Sometime, somewhere, I read a joke that was about these three men who got kidnapped by some native tribe. They made a deal, if the men found 5 of the same fruit and came back with it, they would let them go. So the men go and find their fruits in the jungle. The first man comes back with 5 apples, and before they let him go, they say he has to fit them all up his arse without making a sound, otherwise, they would kill him. He got two up there but made a sound putting the third one up and they killed him. He looked down on the tribal village from the heavens and saw the second man come back with 5 grapes. He watched him get told what to do and start putting them up his arse, without any difficulty. Just as the second man was putting the 4th grape in, he let out a laugh and got killed. The first man met up with him in the heavens and asked why he made a sound because he could've lived. Then the second man tells him that he saw the last man coming back with pineapples.
IDK how accurate that is to the original, but I don't think I told it nearly as well and I would like to find it, please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fknxma/find_a_joke_about_fruit/
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Social distancing is not new

my friends practiced this in high school.  And then in college.  And my work friends have been doing it for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fknxd5/social_distancing_is_not_new/
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If social distancing makes you feel lonely...

... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fknf4d/if_social_distancing_makes_you_feel_lonely/
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While watching Dracula, I was surprised by how good he was at playing the church organ. But then, you know what they say about Count Dracula.

His bite is worse than his Bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkneyw/while_watching_dracula_i_was_surprised_by_how/
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Bus Stop

2 Mexicans are standing at a bus stop where they usually get picked up for day labor. The first Mexican notices one day that the other just pulled up in a new tricked out car. He went up to the other Mexican and started talking to him.
Mexican 1: Hey amigo, I see you here to get work every day I am here. I am always hired before you and you are here when I get dropped back off. I can usually only make $50 a day. How do you have money to buy that car?
Mexican 2: I have a good sign that I hold up while I stand here at the bus stop.
Maxican 1: I have a sign too. I seem to get more work than you.
Mexican 2: What does your sign say?
Mexican 1: Will work for $5 per hour. What does your sign say?
Mexican 2: My sign says, All I need is $10 more to get a bus ticket back to Mexico.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkn97n/bus_stop/
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How did the man who invented the bed of stone die?

In a pillow fight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkn2uw/how_did_the_man_who_invented_the_bed_of_stone_die/
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Your mother is so fat

That she was sent home for gathering in a public place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkn1sz/your_mother_is_so_fat/
%
My room mate said to stop using his utensils or he's going to move out...

It's a whisk I'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkmpvh/my_room_mate_said_to_stop_using_his_utensils_or/
%
I was told women are most attracted to men who remind them of their father

It's a lie. My crush was pissed after I slept with her mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkmej1/i_was_told_women_are_most_attracted_to_men_who/
%
A man walks up to an Indian hot dog vendor

Smirking to himself, he says, "Make me one with everything!" before handing over a twenty dollar bill.
The vendor chuckles good-naturedly before doing exactly that, piling a hot dog high with various condiments before handing it over. The man accepts it, but hesitates. "Where's my change?"
The hot dog vendor smiles knowingly. "Change," he says, "comes from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkmcom/a_man_walks_up_to_an_indian_hot_dog_vendor/
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What do you call a Rabbi that’s just left work?

Off Jew-ty
(I’m sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkm9es/what_do_you_call_a_rabbi_thats_just_left_work/
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I just got off the phone with a researcher in China. He says it's not worth getting the Covid-19 now.

As they are expecting the Covid-20 PRO to be released in September

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fklz6w/i_just_got_off_the_phone_with_a_researcher_in/
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I applied for a job in an office, and they asked me, what steps to you take in the event of a fire?

Apparently fucking big ones wasn't the right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fklq48/i_applied_for_a_job_in_an_office_and_they_asked/
%
Everyone is buying so much toilet paper

I feel like it’s just flushing money down the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkllg8/everyone_is_buying_so_much_toilet_paper/
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Guy: Did you know you’re the only one I’ve been with?

Girl:  Really?
Guy: Yes, all the others were 9s or 10s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkll28/guy_did_you_know_youre_the_only_one_ive_been_with/
%
Priests are thrilled...

They get to keep their gatherings under 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkkp80/priests_are_thrilled/
%
I work at a factory that turns organic waste into fence parts.

All I do for eight hours a day is make shit posts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkke63/i_work_at_a_factory_that_turns_organic_waste_into/
%
Why didnt 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2²

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkk796/why_didnt_4_ask_out_5/
%
Why does a dominatrix make the best mod?

Because they can whip any sub into shape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkjy5c/why_does_a_dominatrix_make_the_best_mod/
%
I wanted to do some last minute panic buying. Then I checked my bank account.

Now all I can do is panic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkjt44/i_wanted_to_do_some_last_minute_panic_buying_then/
%
Highlighters are making a comeback,

mark my words!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkjmon/highlighters_are_making_a_comeback/
%
I'm really worried this COVID virus, so I'm looking for any stonecutter jobs near me.

I heard you'll be safe if you are in a quarry team.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkj82d/im_really_worried_this_covid_virus_so_im_looking/
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Ever wonder how cows are able to stand on such steep hills?

They have strong calves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkj6ia/ever_wonder_how_cows_are_able_to_stand_on_such/
%
Why is a barn so noisy?

Because cows have horns!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkj63m/why_is_a_barn_so_noisy/
%
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.

He said I have a weekend immune system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkj0ov/according_to_my_doctor_it_should_be_ok_for_me_to/
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What do you call a kinky cow?

Whipped cream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkj07i/what_do_you_call_a_kinky_cow/
%
The future is a little bit frightening

Everybody is kung-flu fighting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkitql/the_future_is_a_little_bit_frightening/
%
A supermarket is having a sale

with everything discounted, so a man went in and bought some dog food. However, upon paying, the cashier insisted that he prove he actually had a dog.
“According to our rule, to buy discounted dog food, you need to prove you’re a dog owner.”
“What kind of rule is that? Why would I buy dog food if I didn’t have a dog?” Angry but unable to resist the cheap price, the man had to go back home and bring his dog to the supermarket.
A few days later, the man went to the supermarket again for some cat food, but he met the same cashier who insisted that he prove he had a cat. So again he went back home and brought his cat.
When he needed to make a purchase from the supermarket for the third time, he knew what to do, so he brought a box to the cashier.
“What do you want to buy this time?”
“Just feel what’s in the box and you’ll know.”
The cashier put one hand in the box but couldn’t figure out what it is. “So what exactly do you want to buy?”
“I want to buy toilet paper.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkiryi/a_supermarket_is_having_a_sale/
%
A famous explorer visits a tribe of all-male natives in the Amazon and asks “how do you guys sexually satisfy yourself?”

The chief replies: “Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkir1u/a_famous_explorer_visits_a_tribe_of_allmale/
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A Man Finds a Lamp...

A man is on a walj when he comes across as lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out.
The genie tells the man he will grant him 3 wishes.
The man thinks long and hard and declares "I want to live a long and healthy life."
The genie immediately scans the man's body, eliminating all possible cancer cells and cures him of all preexisting conditions.
"I have cured you of all issues, and you will like a long and healthy life" the genie proclaims. "What is your second wish?" the genie asks.
"I want to be rich and never worry about money" the man says.
The genie looks up the man's bank account and adds 000,000,000 after the current balance. The genie says "you are now rich and will never have to worry about money again. What is your final wish?"
The man pauses and says "I want a bridge linking California to Hawaii."
The genie is taken aback, commenting "What? Do you have any idea home complicated that is? I have to get permits to build in international waters, ensure I don't block major trade routes, put gas stations and restaurants along the way with people to work them, billions of tons of concrete, not to mention a method to protect the road from natural disasters and about a million other logistical nightmares. That's way too complex. Please wish for something else. "
The man, feeling stupid from the genie's scolding says "ok I'm sorry I'll come up with a new wish."
After deliberation the man says "Ok for my last wish I want to understand women."
The genie looks at the man, sighs and says "do you want 2 lanes or 4?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkiqt2/a_man_finds_a_lamp/
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Nail salons closed, hair salons closed...

It's about to get ugly out there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkinkj/nail_salons_closed_hair_salons_closed/
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Coronavirus Pandemic, day 16

If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling. Food is running low. Down to only 459 days worth. My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean. Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory). Power still on, but for how long? Missing human interaction but I have my dogs.. for now.. (I'm soaking their food in BBQ sauce in an attempt to marinate them from the inside in case I have to eat them) . I fear dark days ahead. News is all bad. Neighbors have attempted to leap from windows to their death, (or near death... most have single story homes so they are badly bruised). Blew through most Netflix series so may have to rewatch some again..Basic Survival is a definite challenge. I vow to persevere to the end, I am a survivor! Please, if there is life out there, communicate with me to help preserve my sanity....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkils2/coronavirus_pandemic_day_16/
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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkik47/i_hate_that_september_october_november_and/
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if bats could talk what would they say about the corona virus?

Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkifuj/if_bats_could_talk_what_would_they_say_about_the/
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Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Ouch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkifsj/someone_broke_into_my_house_and_stole_20_of_my/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkid4g/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
There’s a new gym in town that’s religious

It’s called Jehovah’s Fitness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkiah2/theres_a_new_gym_in_town_thats_religious/
%
Earlier today I felt like throwing up..

So I put a dart board on my ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fki4yt/earlier_today_i_felt_like_throwing_up/
%
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you

I miss him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fki2vr/my_best_friend_ran_away_with_my_wife_and_let_me/
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A platypus walks into a bar where the bartender is a duck.

He finished his drink, and asked for his check.
Duck billed platypus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fki03c/a_platypus_walks_into_a_bar_where_the_bartender/
%
Two men are playing golf when a funeral procession comes by.

One of the men removes his hat and holds it to his chest respectfully until the procession passes. The second man tells the first, "That was really decent of you, interrupting your game to honor the dead like that.
"It's the least I could do," he replied, "We were married for 40 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkhobj/two_men_are_playing_golf_when_a_funeral/
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How does an Introverted hypochondriac feel during the Corona virus outbreak?

Validated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkhnj5/how_does_an_introverted_hypochondriac_feel_during/
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I got to work late, bleary-eyed and hung over as hell. Boss said, “I thought you said you had that virus at your house?”

“No,” I replied, “I said I had a case of Corona that needed my attention.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkhfvd/i_got_to_work_late_blearyeyed_and_hung_over_as/
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April fools day is cancelled

as no made up prank could match the unbelievable shit going on right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkhc8m/april_fools_day_is_cancelled/
%
My wife told me that she's leaving me because I'm so arrogant,

I told her "Don't let the door hit you on the way back in sweety"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkh6bt/my_wife_told_me_that_shes_leaving_me_because_im/
%
I hear someone joke about selling their kid on eBay and I was appalled.

You made that child! They are a product of your creation!
.
.
.
It should be on Etsy instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkh5zy/i_hear_someone_joke_about_selling_their_kid_on/
%
Two old guys walk into a bar.

There was a dog on a leash outside licking its balls. One guy said “I wish I could do that”. The other guy said “how about you start petting him first”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkh1x6/two_old_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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Do you wanna hear a Corona virus joke?

Nevermind, you'll probably spread it around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkh0oa/do_you_wanna_hear_a_corona_virus_joke/
%
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A baBOOM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkgzzr/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_in_a_minefield/
%
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

**I've worked out this Corona Virus!!!**
**IT'S BEEN CREATED BY WOMEN!!!**
***Think about it.....***
01, No Sports.
02, All Pubs to shut.
03, 14 Days Quarantine *(so you can finally get those odd jobs done)*
04, Symptoms of Corona are flu like ......  THEY KNOW THAT'S OUR KRYPTONITE!
05, They've name it after a beer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkgxhi/public_service_announcement/
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My wife and I don't want any kids

My kids are upset about that decision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkgqa8/my_wife_and_i_dont_want_any_kids/
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Box under the bed

When Eamonn and Ruth first got married Eamonn said, *“I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”*
In all their 30 years of marriage, Ruth never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and £81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner, Ruth could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, *“I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”*
…
Eamonn thought for a while and said, *“I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”*
Ruth was shocked, but said, *“Hmmm,  Fiona Phillips, Penny Smith and Holly Willoughby. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”*
Eamonn thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Ruth asked *"Eamonn, so why do you have all that money in the box?"*
Eamonn answered; *“Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkgk2r/box_under_the_bed/
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After so many years in our marriage, my Wife wanted me to buy some pills to spice things up in the bedroom

*Apparently I was the bad guy buying diet pills.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkghz6/after_so_many_years_in_our_marriage_my_wife/
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I went to the doctor...

Me: doctor help I've got 5 penises
Doctor: jesus christ how do your trousers fit?
Me: like a glove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkghj1/i_went_to_the_doctor/
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A rabbit goes into a bar

and asks the bartender if he has vodka. The bartender tells him that yes, he does have vodka.
Then, the rabbit asks: How much does a drop costs?
The bartender, confused, tells him that a drop of vodka costs nothing.
The rabbit, grining, replies: Then give me 1000 drops, please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkg8nu/a_rabbit_goes_into_a_bar/
%
Why are all gender equality officers female...

Because its cheaper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkg8by/why_are_all_gender_equality_officers_female/
%
What's the weakest part of a car?

The nut holding the steering wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkg80e/whats_the_weakest_part_of_a_car/
%
A man and his wife attends an airshow

The man sees a small aeroplane with an open roof and beautiful aesthetics. On a sign beside the plane wrote "100 dollars for a flight per person" The man asked his wife "can we take a flight? It is my dream to take a flight in this beautiful plane." His wife said "No, 200 dollars is too much money"
Some years pass and the same situation comes up The man asked his wife "can we take a flight? It is my dream to take a flight in this beautiful plane." His wife said "No, 200 dollars is too much money"
The man and his wife turned 70 years and they went to the same air show. The man saw the plane and turned to his wife and said: "we are getting old. This might be my last chance to take a ride in this beautiful plane." His wife said "No, it's way too much money"
The pilot overheard this conversation and proposed an offer to the couple. "if you two can sit in the plane for the whole trip and not make a sound, you will get the trip for free. If you do make a sound, both of you will pay the full price." The man and his wife agreed to this and took a seat in the plane. The pilot took loads and loads of loops an spins before going in for landing.
The pilot turns to the man and said: "you're pretty tough for an old man, I didn't think you would make it"
The old man says "To be honest I almost said something when my wife fell out, but 200 dollars is a lot of money"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkg3nv/a_man_and_his_wife_attends_an_airshow/
%
For years I wondered why biting my lip all sexy-like never seemed to work on the ladies...

until my friend let me know you're supposed to bite your bottom lip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkg35y/for_years_i_wondered_why_biting_my_lip_all/
%
What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkfpxw/whats_200_yards_long_and_has_an_iq_of_40/
%
One night at the bar..

So, a fellow walks into a rather large pub in Dublin, goes up to the bar, and orders a pint of Guinness. While the bartender steps away, the fellow does that slow scan one does in a strange room to see if he knows anyone, and his eyes alight on a fellow.
The bartender returns with the pint, and the fellow pays him. Then he asks, "That man over there. Does he look like me?" The bartender allows that he does, and the guy takes his pint to speak with the fellow who looks like him.
"Good evenin'," he says, "I couldna help but notice we bore a passin' resemblance to each other. Tell me, where were ya born?"
"Why, I was born right here in Dublin."
"Really? Me too!"
"An' do yeh still live in Dublin?"
"Aye, that I do!"
"Really? Me too! An' what street do yeh live on in Dublin?"
"Why, I live on O'Leary Street."
"Really? Me too!"
And the two men fall to talking. They talk so long, in fact, that the bartenders change shifts. The one coming on asks the one going off, "Did anything interestin' happen today?"
"Well, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkfmwz/one_night_at_the_bar/
%
What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue Paint
Fuck, I’m bored

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkfgtf/whats_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
%
A Titan captures 26 Spies of his enemies. Each Spy is given 2 names: They are numbered from 1-26 and are given the alphabet with respect to their numbers. He then proceeds to eat all but one to prevent information from leaking out (He executed that spy). Which spy and why?

Spy#3. He was Spy-C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkffxh/a_titan_captures_26_spies_of_his_enemies_each_spy/
%
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.

It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkfexd/a_friend_in_germany_tells_me_everyones_panic/
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If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke on here

I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkfeq6/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_covid19_joke_on_here/
%
My bird hospital was shut down by the city.

They said it was due to ill eagle activity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkfb1p/my_bird_hospital_was_shut_down_by_the_city/
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What's the best thing about COVID-19?

All these novel coronavirus jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkfafx/whats_the_best_thing_about_covid19/
%
The NSFW feature will be turned off until further notice...

Due to everyone working from home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkf5x5/the_nsfw_feature_will_be_turned_off_until_further/
%
A joke about a poor grandpa

An old grandpa was speaking to his granddaughter and he said "I am really getting old, luck is by my side. Even when I enter the bathroom, the lights turn on without me touching the switch"
So the granddaughter was asking the grandfather's doctor about the bathroom thing and the doctor said "Oh crap, he's been pooping in the fridge again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkeuao/a_joke_about_a_poor_grandpa/
%
Your mom is so fat

that she got arrested by quarantene guards for being a gathering of 10 or more people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkeqaf/your_mom_is_so_fat/
%
I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.

I thought to myself...
“This sub has gone downhill”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkenn2/i_was_enjoying_a_sandwich_on_a_cliff_but_it_fell/
%
Where did Vegans come from?

Hummus Sapiens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkel9r/where_did_vegans_come_from/
%
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;

otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fke3rc/its_only_quarantine_if_it_comes_from_the/
%
I bought a new gadget: you put venison in the top, turn the handle, and it comes out as pheasant

It's a real game changer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkdwc8/i_bought_a_new_gadget_you_put_venison_in_the_top/
%
Now that we are all in quarantine

I guess all jokes are inside jokes now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkdux4/now_that_we_are_all_in_quarantine/
%
Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shat in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkdjja/old_fart_football/
%
My girlfriend said to me, "Look at me, I'm getting fat"

I told her "Don't be silly... You've always been fat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkcksq/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_look_at_me_im_getting_fat/
%
What does the pope have in common with a Christmas tree?

Both have balls just for decoration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkceaj/what_does_the_pope_have_in_common_with_a/
%
A drunk Irishman sees two women at the bar.

Irishman: You two ladies from England?
Girl: No, Wales.
Irishman: You two whales from England?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkc8yp/a_drunk_irishman_sees_two_women_at_the_bar/
%
So there God was creating the earth...

So there God was creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael and starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?" "I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles.
"Balance?" Michael asked confused.... "How so?"
"Well, have a look. You see the two ends? They're cold, but the middle is very warm. So it balances out." God could see that Michael almost got it. "See how she spins. That gives half of it light and the other half dark. Always changing, but always balanced." Michael smiled finally getting it. That's when a little green island caught his eye. "What's that island?"
With this, God put on an even bigger smile. "She's a beauty, isn't see? That's Ireland. Perfect weather, perfect hunting and fishing, the best beer and the most beautiful girls in the world." Michael was impressed but said. "Its amazing, but how do you balance out something so wonderful?
God shrugged. "I put it next to England."
Happy St. Paddy's to all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkc67r/so_there_god_was_creating_the_earth/
%
How Come Big Dogs Make Little Dogs and Big Cats Make Little Cats But Why Cant Big Trains Make Little Trains?

I am 55 and this is my first joke that I learned and told.
Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.... “Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied “Well Johnny, this sounds like a great quey for your mother.”   So off Johnny went to go ask his mother… “Mom why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make a little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?“ Little Johnny’s mom thought about it and said “WellJohnny, this sounds like a good question to ask Mr. Jones down at the railroad yard”.  So off Johnny went to go ask Mr. Jones.
“Mr. Jones, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?“
Mr. Jones looked at Johnny seriously and said “Well Johnny, that because Union pacific always pulls out on time!
I remember thinking this joke was so hilarious… And the funny thing is I had no clue what I was talking about. LOL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkc43b/how_come_big_dogs_make_little_dogs_and_big_cats/
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When I was young, I asked my dad if I could have pets and he said no.

He said, “Pets are just a step backwards.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkbxzh/when_i_was_young_i_asked_my_dad_if_i_could_have/
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A teacher asked his students a math question.

"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?"
After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front.
"One dollar!" she said.
The teacher, conflicted on why the girl can't add, explained to her and the whole class how adding 1+5 works. At the end of class, the students were dismissed. A staff member oversaw the whole thing, and approached the teacher.
"What the hell were you thinking asking that type of question?" the staff member asked.
"What? I just asked them how much money 1+5 is- They couldn't even answer it!"
"You said *their parents* gave them five dollars."
"Yeah, so?"
"You work at an orphanage, you moron!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkbta8/a_teacher_asked_his_students_a_math_question/
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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic...

I was in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkbp2t/i_refused_to_believe_i_was_gay_and_dyslexic/
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I've heard this one in English, German and Yiddish.

A tourist was walking through an ancient section of Prague and noticed that his wristwatch had died.  It needed a new battery.
He noticed a small storefront with a clock in the window, and went in.  An elderly Jewish gentleman in traditional Hasidic attire was sitting behind a small counter.  The tourist explained his problem.
"I'm sorry," the Jew said, in heavily accented English. "I don't repair watches.  I"m a mohel."
"What's a mohel?" the tourist asked.
"A rabbi who specializes in circumcising little Jewish boys on the eighth day of their lives."
"OK - so why do you have a clock in your window?"
"So what SHOULD I have in my window?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkbe6i/ive_heard_this_one_in_english_german_and_yiddish/
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Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their Irish bean soup?

Because one more and it would be too farty...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkaw0y/why_do_the_irish_only_put_two_hundred_and_thirty/
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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
Edit thanks for the silver u/WindyDizzel
u/Bartlebyx thanks for the gold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fkanjy/a_wife_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
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A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree, let me show you what I mean."
With that, the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch, the father dialed the same number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver was slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, "HELLO!" The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fka5zx/a_young_girl_who_was_writing_a_paper_for_school/
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This happend

I told my teenage niece to get me a newspaper
So she replied with  'your so old just use my phone"
So I took her phone and slammed it onto the wall to kill a spider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk9n49/this_happend/
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So there's only one state with no confirmed coronavirus infections, do you know which one it is?

The state of denial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk9m7t/so_theres_only_one_state_with_no_confirmed/
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Today I ran out of toilet paper and had to resort to lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk9m1v/today_i_ran_out_of_toilet_paper_and_had_to_resort/
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A Ukrainian guy goes to the eye doctor.

The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:
C Z Y N Q S T A S Z.
The Optometrist asks, "Can you read this?"
"Read it?" the guy replies, "I know the guy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk9fbi/a_ukrainian_guy_goes_to_the_eye_doctor/
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As an atheist, I hate waking up

It's always an ungodly hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk9drd/as_an_atheist_i_hate_waking_up/
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You know who didn’t die from the corona virus?

Jeffery Epstein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk95bi/you_know_who_didnt_die_from_the_corona_virus/
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People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk957e/people_like_to_share_their_musical_taste_with/
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You can't spell Quarantine

without U R A Q T

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk90l0/you_cant_spell_quarantine/
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I swapped all the labels around on my wife's spice rack.

She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk8on8/i_swapped_all_the_labels_around_on_my_wifes_spice/
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You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk8lz6/you_know_being_self_quarantined_isnt_even_that/
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What do you call a blind reindeer?

I have no eye deer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk8g6b/what_do_you_call_a_blind_reindeer/
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A slight variation of an old joke

One day a man who had just gone through a very bitter divorce was walking on the beach. He notices something glittering in the sand and digs it out and holds it up. It appeared to be a gold, antique teapot. He rubbed it with his sleeve to brush the sand off and suddenly in a puff of smoke, a genie appeared. As the man gaped in astonishment, the genie told him "Since you have summoned me, I will grant you three wishes. One warning though: Anything you wish for, your ex will get twice as much".
Getting over his astonishment quickly, the man decided to make the most of it. "Okay, for my first wish, I want $10 billion". The genie snaps his fingers and says "done", and immediately the man pulls out his cellphone and calls his bank, who confirms he has a $10 billion balance in his account. Meanwhile, his ex has decided to go on a shopping spree with her unexpected windfall of $20 billion dollars.
The man then makes his next wish. "I wish I had a Lamborghini". The genie snaps his fingers and says "done" and a brand-new Lamborghini appears. Meanwhile his ex is astonished when she finds two gorgeous Lamborghini at her house when she arrives home from her shopping trip.
"You have one wish left" said the genie. "What will it be?" The man thinks for a few minutes and then smiles. "I wish to donate one of my kidneys".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk8fou/a_slight_variation_of_an_old_joke/
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Why did the 50-year-old flower go to the doctor?

He needed a baseline pollenoscopy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk8bd1/why_did_the_50yearold_flower_go_to_the_doctor/
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What do you call a hookers fart?

A prostitoot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk8b7s/what_do_you_call_a_hookers_fart/
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What's the difference between yogurt and America?

Leave yogurt alone for 250 years and it will develop a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk8aj5/whats_the_difference_between_yogurt_and_america/
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So a an America college kid goes to Dublin for spring break.

And he’s out at the pubs, just getting shitfaced.
He goes back to the bathroom to take a leak, and this little guy goes up to the stall next to him. Guys got red hair, a red beard, wearing a green suit with a vest, jacket, whole thing. College dude is staring, so he sees this little guy whip out the biggest cock he’s ever seen! Dude’s so taken aback (and drunk) that he goes, ‘Whoa! That’s the biggest cock I’ve ever seen!’ and the little guy goes ‘Aye Laddie, all leprechauns have enormous dicks, didn’tya know?’ College guy goes ‘Dude, you’re a leprechaun?’ Little guy goes ‘Ay Laddie! And now that you’ve caught me, I guess you’ll be wantin’ me pot o’ gold!” College guy goes ‘I get a pot of gold?’ Little guy goes ‘Aye, for sure, but first, you have to let me fuck ye up yer arse!” College guy goes ‘What?’ Little guy goes ‘For sure, thems the rules laddie!’ so the little guy bends the college kid over the toilet in the stall, and just starts railing his asshole. The little guys says ‘Ay laddie, how old ye be?’ and the college guy, through gritted teeth, manages to gasp ‘Twenty!’ and the little guy says ‘Twenty? Aren’t ye a wee bit old to be believin’ in leprechauns?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk890g/so_a_an_america_college_kid_goes_to_dublin_for/
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Let me tell you this coronavirus joke...

We have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk86wf/let_me_tell_you_this_coronavirus_joke/
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Because Corona, the red light district in Amsterdam is now closed. My biggest fear has now come true.

When this whole story started, I was afraid there would be no happy ending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk7xz8/because_corona_the_red_light_district_in/
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A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex

So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in town. Once she finds him she tells him she wants to lose her virginity to him. After they have sex the nun takes him home, reaches into her purse and gives the man $100. The man says “wow I got to take your virginity and you will pay me the sex must’ve been amazing “ The nun tells the man “ No the money is for you to buy some smaller shoes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk7x8c/a_nun_decides_before_she_dies_she_wants_to_have/
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What is a firefighter with no testicles?

A cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk7mze/what_is_a_firefighter_with_no_testicles/
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Guy: “Do you know you’re the only one I’ve ever had sex with?”

Girl: “Really?!?!”
Guy: “Yes, all the others have been 9s and 10s.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk7la4/guy_do_you_know_youre_the_only_one_ive_ever_had/
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Just a reminder that Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you...

They Seamus all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk7fre/just_a_reminder_that_irish_puns_on_st_patricks/
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Taco Bell forced to shut down temporarily...

Due to the Corona virus the shortage of toilet paper has made this step a necessity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk6pow/taco_bell_forced_to_shut_down_temporarily/
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I got diagnosed as colorblind today...

It really came out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk6k83/i_got_diagnosed_as_colorblind_today/
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r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!

It's amazing what 7 jokes can do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk6jci/rjokes_has_18_million_subscribers/
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A drunk man walks into a music store...

...and slurs: "I want to buy the trumpet and the accordion there".
The seller replies: "Sorry, I'm not selling those".
The drunk man starts grunting and leaves the store.
The next day he comes back and says: I want to buy the instruments there!
The seller reacts annoyed: Not. for. sale.
The day after, the drunk man comes back to the shop, really angry about the stupid instruments: I WANT TO BU...
Then the salesman shouts: Don't you understand, the umbrella stand and the heater are not for sale!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk6gnq/a_drunk_man_walks_into_a_music_store/
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I just traded four rolls of toilet paper and a package of baby wipes for a 2017 Maserati.

I am going to miss that car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk69t1/i_just_traded_four_rolls_of_toilet_paper_and_a/
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The local bar was so sure that it's bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time, but nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
"I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what?
"I work for the IRS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk671t/the_local_bar_was_so_sure_that_its_bartender_was/
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I've decided to do a little panic buying...

I checked my back account, and I can only panic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk60d0/ive_decided_to_do_a_little_panic_buying/
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Why is it a bad idea to iron four-leaf clovers?

Because you should never press your luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk60ck/why_is_it_a_bad_idea_to_iron_fourleaf_clovers/
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Working From Home

Working from is not so bad. I’m starting to get the hang of it. I can work in my pajamas, have a glass of wine with my lunch, and have my lunch at 9am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk5uz4/working_from_home/
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I went to my old barber that I used to see years ago.

I sat in the chair and asked him if he could cut my hair a little shorter on the left side and a little longer on the right side.
“And would you be kind enough to make three or four holes in my hair on top?  And little things sticking out all over?”  I asked him.  “And in the back I would like you to just do zig zag.”
He said to me “you know I cannot do that.”
But I said “well, Mister, you did that last time.”
*As told by Victor Borge on “The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard.”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk5tz3/i_went_to_my_old_barber_that_i_used_to_see_years/
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A joke for St. Patricks Day

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled. 'I gave you a sham rock.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk5t6k/a_joke_for_st_patricks_day/
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Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death

Plaguearism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk5nhu/coronavirus_has_been_copying_the_black_death/
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A Son To His Mom

Son: Mom , Mom! Does Granny do parkour?
Mom: No , Son.
Son: Ah ,Then she fell from the balcony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk5gqx/a_son_to_his_mom/
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Going to the bathroom for a poop is a lot like going to the office

You're always rushing to it and coming out looking relieved. People think you're doing the job in there right now but you're actually browsing reddit because you did the job 20 minutes ago. The job actually takes only about a minute but the paperwork adds up. This is not a shitpost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk5aa1/going_to_the_bathroom_for_a_poop_is_a_lot_like/
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Am I the only one dying our kids’ food green this Saint Patrick’s Day...

...to acclimate them to eating expired foods a month from now in quarantine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk59n5/am_i_the_only_one_dying_our_kids_food_green_this/
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What sort of music does bubble wrap not like?

>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk57am/what_sort_of_music_does_bubble_wrap_not_like/
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Anyone know what "obtaining information through deception" means?

I'm asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk539a/anyone_know_what_obtaining_information_through/
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A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks "Do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit shakes his head, so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk52ag/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_taking_a_shit_in_the_woods/
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I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow

I rang them today to check the time. It's ten to one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk4zaz/ive_got_my_first_gamblers_anonymous_meeting/
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It must suck being a Jehova's witness right now.

The one time you know everyone's home but you can't go out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk4vyj/it_must_suck_being_a_jehovas_witness_right_now/
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What do you get when it’s saint Patrick’s day, your cake day, and you’re Irish?

Absolutely nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk4s7i/what_do_you_get_when_its_saint_patricks_day_your/
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Ben invited his mother over for dinner

During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Ben’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Ben volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
Ben said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:
“Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Allison, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk4j9g/ben_invited_his_mother_over_for_dinner/
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Better be isolated than grounded

Joe: 45, electrician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk4bti/better_be_isolated_than_grounded/
%
First corona-related death in my neighborhood just happened

Bitch shouldn't have taken the last pack of toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk416o/first_coronarelated_death_in_my_neighborhood_just/
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Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous .
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk3zkp/best_come_back_line_ever/
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Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

..but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to pray every Sunday.
But after a little while, everyone gets, well, restless. To be blunt, they're all horny and have no sexual outlets. Being devoutly religious people, pre-marital sex is out of the question.
So, they come up with a system. The woman marries one of the men for a week, then gets a divorce and marries the other man for a week. They just go back and forth like this. This way, each of the guys get seven days full of sex every other week, and the girl gets laid whenever she wants.
This situation works out great, and their three-person community is thriving. But after eight months of this, the woman gets bit by a poisonous snake and dies.
The first week is really rough. The second week is even worse. The third week is just plain terrible. The fourth week is practically unbearable. So on the fifth week, >!they decide to bury the body!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk3pro/two_guys_and_a_girl_become_shipwrecked_on_a/
%
A man goes out shooting ducks.

He shoots a few, picks them up in his sack, and begins to walk home to pluck them. On his way home, he passes the local pub. From inside, a friend of his calls his name. He goes inside, they talk for a while, have a few beers, then his friend asks, "so whatcha got in ya sack, mate?" The man replies "Ducks!" His friend lowers his voice, and asks
"I don't suppose I could have one?" The man feels generous and says
"I tell you what, if you can guess how many I have, you can have both of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk3kld/a_man_goes_out_shooting_ducks/
%
I don't know why everyone is surprised about the toilet paper hoarders...

Assholes need toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk356u/i_dont_know_why_everyone_is_surprised_about_the/
%
What if they close grocery stores for COVID19....

.... we'll have to hunt for our food. I dont even know where Doritos live...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk312j/what_if_they_close_grocery_stores_for_covid19/
%
What’s the best thing about Switzerland

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk2syi/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
Broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.

Since then I've never looked back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk2jzt/broke_my_spine_in_an_accident_last_year_had_a/
%
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.
"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk2jmc/several_centuries_ago_the_pope_decreed_that_all/
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A bar walks into a physicist...

...oops, wrong frame of reference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk2b0h/a_bar_walks_into_a_physicist/
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A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk29mq/a_doctor_accidentally_prescribes_his_patient_a/
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What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

“Everyone got seat belts on back there?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk256c/what_did_saint_patrick_say_when_he_drove_all_the/
%
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.
"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.
"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk1h8i/a_man_wakes_up_one_morning_to_find_a_gorilla_on/
%
Yo momma so fat..

The government cancelled her for being a mass gathering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk1gxd/yo_momma_so_fat/
%
What do a recorder flute and a vampire prostitute have in common?

They both blow sharp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk1a17/what_do_a_recorder_flute_and_a_vampire_prostitute/
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TP is currently in short supply, and I just squandered 3 squares

on a ghost shit.
Thanks for nothing, asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk167f/tp_is_currently_in_short_supply_and_i_just/
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To the people buying toilet paper "for friends"...

Mind your own shit, I say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk1038/to_the_people_buying_toilet_paper_for_friends/
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Girlfriend: How am | gonna tell my dad I'm pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me.
*later at dinner*
Her dad: *coughs* I need water.
Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk0soo/girlfriend_how_am_gonna_tell_my_dad_im_pregnant/
%
At least anti-vaxxer parents won't have to worry about the coronavirus

Their kids already died from preventable diseases years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk0s28/at_least_antivaxxer_parents_wont_have_to_worry/
%
A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.

“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk0gv1/a_man_walks_into_a_bank_wearing_a_mask_everyone/
%
A weeaboo visits Japan and asks:

“Where are the subtitles?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk0c5l/a_weeaboo_visits_japan_and_asks/
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I was going to tell a joke about sodium but

No way I'm telling that joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk0agh/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_sodium_but/
%
I was at the crowded post office, when two people with masks entered

There was a total panic.
Then they shouted "This is a robbery" and we all calmed down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk09hu/i_was_at_the_crowded_post_office_when_two_people/
%
A man wearing a blaclava and carrying a gun walks into a sperm bank.

He approaches the receptionist and says.
"2 jars, hand them over"
The receptionist replies.
"Sir, you know this is a sperm bank?"
The man, agitated, replies.
"2 JARS.... NOW"
The woman complies.
The man says.
"Open them"
The woman replies.
"Sir?"
"Open them NOW!" He says.
She opens them.
"Drink one"
"I beg your pardon?" Says the receptionist.
"DRINK IT"
the woman complies and, after she's finished the second jar the man removes his balaclava,  revealing that he is the receptionists husband and yells.
"See! That wasn't to bad, was it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fk037y/a_man_wearing_a_blaclava_and_carrying_a_gun_walks/
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What do you call a group of gay men?

A gayng

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjzn4p/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_gay_men/
%
Did you know that in the USA you can't take a photo of a man with a prosthetic leg?

You need to use a camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjzn3f/did_you_know_that_in_the_usa_you_cant_take_a/
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What is the difference between *smack!* "Ahhhhh!!!" and "Aaaaaaaaaaah!" *smack*

A fall from a 1st level window and a fall from a 10th level window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjzb1u/what_is_the_difference_between_smack_ahhhhh_and/
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The timing of the Corona Virus is perfect for St.Patrick’s Day

Because the cases keep Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjz2wl/the_timing_of_the_corona_virus_is_perfect_for/
%
If you don't understand a coronavirus joke, be patient.

Eventually you'll get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjz1cz/if_you_dont_understand_a_coronavirus_joke_be/
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There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke."

Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly
handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs
does that chicken have?"
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster
got?”
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster
got?”
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking
around how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: “I don't know? A lot?”
Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black
cock and not enough about white pussy?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjypzd/there_was_a_homeless_man_with_a_sign_that_said_1/
%
Why can't ants get coronavirus?

Because they have anty bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjxl8f/why_cant_ants_get_coronavirus/
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What’s an old joke told too soon?

We really are going to be talking about the hindsight of 2020 for the rest of our lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjxkny/whats_an_old_joke_told_too_soon/
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A Joke from my little cousin

What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up?
An Orangatangle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjx93d/a_joke_from_my_little_cousin/
%
Why is the football stadium so windy?

Because of all the fans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjx63w/why_is_the_football_stadium_so_windy/
%
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days

It will be a sadder day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjwyip/if_you_think_thursdays_are_depressing_wait_two/
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Wife: Our son called me a bitch today

Husband: What! That little son of a bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjwnpd/wife_our_son_called_me_a_bitch_today/
%
Stalin: Want to hear a joke?

Citizens: sure.
Stalin: food.
Citizens: wait, what?
Stalin: You won't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjwgha/stalin_want_to_hear_a_joke/
%
Did you hear about the guy who went to prison for smoking herbs?

He's doing time for doing thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjw543/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_went_to_prison_for/
%
Train operator

Before I was in the service industry I was a train operator. One day my boss told me I was a terrible train operator and asked how many trains I derailed.
I wasn't sure, it's hard to keep track.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjw3a0/train_operator/
%
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjw2ec/a_blonde_and_a_redhead_have_a_ranch_they_have/
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident...

an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard.  "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constable said, "I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked,"What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"  The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjvzm4/the_day_after_his_wife_disappeared_in_a_kayaking/
%
My neighbor just got arrested for growing pot plants

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjvy43/my_neighbor_just_got_arrested_for_growing_pot/
%
A pirate walks into a bar and sees a civil rights activist, a communist, and a dog sitting around a table.

The pirate says, “It’s my lucky day. X. Marx. The Spot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjvx0v/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_civil_rights/
%
The Trump administration just announced ...

... no gatherings of 10 or more people.
Once again they found another way to separate Mexican families.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjvrnn/the_trump_administration_just_announced/
%
I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure.

Divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjvi7i/ive_been_diagnosed_with_a_disease_that_causes/
%
Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.

It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjvhu1/two_criminals_are_walking_in_the_woods_late_at/
%
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjvgos/i_wasnt_allowed_in_a_fraternity_in_college/
%
A young cannibal chief noticed a beautiful young woman about to be placed in a burning kettle.

"Wait!" He shouted to the chef, "I'll have my breakfast in bed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjvggz/a_young_cannibal_chief_noticed_a_beautiful_young/
%
After today's stockmarket shit show

It's quite clear what all the toilet paper was about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjvdlu/after_todays_stockmarket_shit_show/
%
My wife said I was overconfident by transporting Spanish desserts in the center console of my car. I didn't care.

But then the shift hit the flan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjv9kf/my_wife_said_i_was_overconfident_by_transporting/
%
There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjv5tu/theres_a_big_conference_of_beer_producers_at_the/
%
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.
The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjv4o5/a_man_walked_in_to_a_bar_after_a_long_day_at_work/
%
My sister is very unattractive.

About two days ago, a peeping tom reached in and pulled down her window shade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjus3x/my_sister_is_very_unattractive/
%
9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjurz6/9_months_from_now_there_will_be_a_baby_boom_13/
%
CDC issues a revised Old Testament commandment:

Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor's wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjuq5j/cdc_issues_a_revised_old_testament_commandment/
%
Barrier

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
...DAMN!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjuq31/barrier/
%
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjuizs/a_boy_asks_his_father_dad_are_bugs_good_to_eat/
%
What do you call a group of emo kids

Suicide squad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjuitw/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_emo_kids/
%
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjuc7g/i_tried_to_make_a_coronavirus_joke_a_while_back/
%
Did you hear about the candle that makes you need to poop?

It's called a waxative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fju8vb/did_you_hear_about_the_candle_that_makes_you_need/
%
[Long] A blonde woman decides to start a handyman service to make some extra money.

She walks around a wealthy neighborhood and walks up to the first house.
A man answers the door and she asks if there is anything she can do. He tells her "The porch need painted, how much would that cost?"
She replies "How does $50 sound?" He agrees and she gets to work.
When the man goes back into his house his wife asks him "Does she know the porch wraps around the house?" He tells her "She has to, she saw it."
About an hour later she comes to the door to collect her money. She says "I had extra paint so I put on two coats." The man is really impressed and gives her the money. She thanks him and says "And by the way, it's a BMW, not a porch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fju7az/long_a_blonde_woman_decides_to_start_a_handyman/
%
How you stop a break-in?

With a warning cough at the top of the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fju6di/how_you_stop_a_breakin/
%
Beef It Up

Don’t use “beef stew” as a computer password. It’s not stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjtzhc/beef_it_up/
%
I always find maths jokes divisive but sometimes they add up

My main take away is that you have to move with the times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjtycq/i_always_find_maths_jokes_divisive_but_sometimes/
%
Frank takes his hot blind date, Heather, to an amusement park.

Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on.
"What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather.
So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weight guesser, "you weigh 128 pounds?" "You are two pounds off," replies Heather. She steps on the scale, and sure enough, she weighs 130 pounds.
After Frank and Heather ride the roller coaster, Frank asks, "What do you want to do next?" "I want to get weighed," replies Heather. "But you already did." "No I didn't." "Yes you did." "No I didn't."
So Frank reluctantly takes Heather to the weight guesser again. "Let me guess," says the weight guesser, remembering what she had weighed last time, "you weigh 130 pounds?" Heather steps on the scale, and sure enough, she still weighs 130 pounds.
After Frank and Heather ride the Ferris wheel, Frank asks, "What do you want to do next?" "I want to get weighed," replies Heather. "But you already did. Twice." "No I didn't." "Yes you did." "No I didn't."
So Frank reluctantly takes Heather to the weight guesser a third time. "Let me guess," says the weight guesser, remembering what she had weighed the first two times, "you weigh 130 pounds?" Heather steps on the scale, and sure enough, she still weighs 130 pounds.
Now this goes on for a while. Frank always suggests to go on a different ride, and Heather always says, "I want to get weighed." After much arguing, Frank reluctantly takes Heather to the weight guesser over and over. Both Frank and the weight guesser become very annoyed.
Finally, the blind date is over. Frank takes Heather home to her roommate, Lisa.
"How was your date?" asks Lisa. "Oh, Wisa," says Heather, "it was wame and wousy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjtwhb/frank_takes_his_hot_blind_date_heather_to_an/
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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjtup9/to_prevent_the_spread_of_germs_people_have_been/
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A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjtunb/a_bus_full_of_ugly_people_had_a_head_on_collision/
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Why did the Joker send Harley Quinn A Photo of Robin?

She asked him for a dick pic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjtsa4/why_did_the_joker_send_harley_quinn_a_photo_of/
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I went to the supermarket but they were all out of bread.

I guess some people weren't able to buy any toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjtltn/i_went_to_the_supermarket_but_they_were_all_out/
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People hoarding toilet paper made me realize something

There are a lot more assholes around me than I thought

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjtizx/people_hoarding_toilet_paper_made_me_realize/
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The guy is in the hospital on the verge of death,

full of tubes to keep him alive as long as possible. The family calls the priest to give him the final rites. When the priest sits at the head of the dying man, his condition seems to deteriorate rapidly, and he frantically gestures for something to write. The priest gives him a pad and a pen, and the patient writes something on the pad, and then dies. The priest gives the extreme anointing and keeps the pad without reading. At the funeral, after the ceremony, the priest rummages in his pocket and finds the pad, and remembers that the dead man had written something. He takes advantage of everyone's presence and says: - Our late friend still wrote something in this pad before he died. I suppose everyone would like to know what your last thought was. And he opens the pad and reads aloud: - You are stepping on my oxygen tube!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjth28/the_guy_is_in_the_hospital_on_the_verge_of_death/
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I said to my wife "I wish we talked more during sex"

She said "I can't be calling you when I'm busy in the afternoons"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjt2hg/i_said_to_my_wife_i_wish_we_talked_more_during_sex/
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What do you call a Mexican in space?

An astronaut you racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjsq9s/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_in_space/
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The First Time

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman Assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I answered honestly "No, this is my first time."So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" She asked.
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
She beat the shit out of me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjsni1/the_first_time/
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What has 4 legs and goes "Aaaah"

A sheep with no lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjs5tu/what_has_4_legs_and_goes_aaaah/
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I know we've all been asking for more realism in games...

...But Plague Inc. wasn't what I had in mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjrso8/i_know_weve_all_been_asking_for_more_realism_in/
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Two cops knock on a door.

A little lad opens it, he's about 10. Wearing his dad's dressing gown, a blond on either side of him. Glass of wine in one hand a a cigar in the other.
Cops look at each other and say to the little lad;" is your dad home sunny"?
Little lad replies:"does it fucking look like he is"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjrhay/two_cops_knock_on_a_door/
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A new air filtration system has probably been the biggest waste of money I've had.

It just sits there and collects dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjqwfv/a_new_air_filtration_system_has_probably_been_the/
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News: The CDC has advised no handshakes at this time.

Jeffrey Dahmer: “AWW...” ** STOPS BLENDER* *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjqrvq/news_the_cdc_has_advised_no_handshakes_at_this/
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A young man is looking for a fast car.

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M.
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjqmhz/a_young_man_is_looking_for_a_fast_car/
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Lenin in Poland

The communist party of Poland decided to celebrate the anniversary of Lenin’s birth. They approached a famous painter and asked him for a painting titled “Lenin in Poland”. The painter hated communism, but he agreed to do it on the condition that he will have total artistic freedom and everyone will see the finished work at the grand reveal.
After months of work in secrecy it was time for the reveal in front of the party officials and media. So he pulled off the covers to reveal the painting of man with bushy mustache having sweaty, passionate sex with a woman. In the window behind them the Red Square was visible.
As the audience erupted in a riot, the head of the party grabbed the painter and shouted: “This is an outrage! Who is that man in the painting?”. “The man?” Replied the painter, “that’s Stalin”. “Well, who is the woman??”, the party head asked. “The woman is Lenin’s wife”. “But where’s Lenin?!”. “Lenin is in Poland”, replied the painter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjqkjv/lenin_in_poland/
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My girlfriend asked me if I had ever peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents"

She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!"
I said "well these things tend to happen >!when you're taking a shit!<"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjqjx5/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_had_ever_peed_in_the/
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Men

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... scaring men is easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjq7wm/men/
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Trump says he’s a self-made man.

I think it’s decent of him to take the blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjptie/trump_says_hes_a_selfmade_man/
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How the world has changed in 2020!

Feb 14: Will you be my Valentine ?
.
.
.
March 14: Will you be my Quarantine ? 🙂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjps1f/how_the_world_has_changed_in_2020/
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My prophecy class was just cancellled

Due to unforeseen reasons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjpqg5/my_prophecy_class_was_just_cancellled/
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Some people say that icy is the easiest word to spell

Looking at it now, I see why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjpnfz/some_people_say_that_icy_is_the_easiest_word_to/
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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjp4u9/the_united_states_and_britain_are_having_a/
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What do you get when you drop a piano on your cousin?

A flat relative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjovqp/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_on_your/
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Did you know that it's dangerous to drink a lot of tea?

A Native American did this once and drowned in his Tea Pee.
Not my joke but thought it was funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjomhx/did_you_know_that_its_dangerous_to_drink_a_lot_of/
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What is the only key a piano can play in after it was dropped down the mine shaft?

Minor B flat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjoivg/what_is_the_only_key_a_piano_can_play_in_after_it/
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FOLLOWING A FRIEND

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.
“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”
“Great,” said Ned.
“What’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Sunday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjohyl/following_a_friend/
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An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail.
About 6 weeks later God reviews the lists and realizes that the engineer has been sent to the wrong place. So he rings up Lucifer and demands that the engineer be sent up. Lucifer says "NO WAY. This guy was the best thing to ever happen here. He's got the AC working, we have running water and cable now too, and next week he thinks we will get internet access and an ice cream machine." God is pissed and yelling says "I'll sue". Lucifer says "ya okay, but where are you going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjo9tt/an_engineer_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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I WAS feeling lonely

until I glued my coffee cup onto my car, now, everyone waves at me..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjo6fg/i_was_feeling_lonely/
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I posted a very good joke on this sub yesterday

But nobody reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjo3g6/i_posted_a_very_good_joke_on_this_sub_yesterday/
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And the winner of this year’s national nepotism award goes to...

My son, for the third year running

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjnsi9/and_the_winner_of_this_years_national_nepotism/
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Guy: I would tell you a joke about my dick but it's too long.

Girl: Ha HA... well I would tell you a joke about my pussy but you wouldn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjnqwb/guy_i_would_tell_you_a_joke_about_my_dick_but_its/
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A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.
"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous
"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.
There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot.
The man then says, "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjni2q/a_911_operator_is_sitting_at_her_desk_when_she/
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With Governor Newsom Mandating all people over 65 stay indoors

I just had my Grandpa ask if he could use my ID so he could sneak into Denny's for his free cup of coffee and Grand Slam Breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjnbgg/with_governor_newsom_mandating_all_people_over_65/
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There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjnb8j/theres_an_easy_trick_you_can_use_to_calculate/
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I was talking to my therapist about my irrational fear of few chemicals.

Me: So, I'm afraid of hydroxyl groups.
Therapist: Oh.
Me: aaahhh...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjmsdi/i_was_talking_to_my_therapist_about_my_irrational/
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A little girl was visiting her grandfather and asked him to read her a book, as she was bored

“Alright I suppose I will....”, gave in her grandfather, “...but you are going to have to get me my glasses”, he said.
The girl replied, “why do you need glasses?”
“Well, since I’m getting old, I can’t see very well without them!”, he exclaimed.
The girl took the grandfather outside and pointed at the sky, saying, “What is that bright, yellow thing in the sky?”
The grandfather answered, “That is the sun of course!”.
To which the girl replied, “You liar! You can see the sun when it’s 93 million fuckin miles away, but ya can’t read my book that’s right in front of your damn face?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjmnnn/a_little_girl_was_visiting_her_grandfather_and/
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"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjmlzl/mom_dont_freak_out_but_im_in_the_hospital/
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A man works for a wildlife reserve.

His boss tells him “you need to make sure there aren’t any poachers in the area. The absolute least bears there should be at the end of the month is 76 bears.” The man says “I won’t let you down, boss.”
One month passes by. A poacher kills a bear one time and he gets arrested. The employee gets in trouble for not keeping a good watch. There are 76 bears.
Another month passes by. A bear cub gets caught in a trap that had been left and forgotten many years ago. It dies. The employee gets in trouble for not making sure the forest is safe. At the end of the month, 76 bears.
A third month passes by. A bear cub is stolen by poachers to be sold on the black market. He manages to get away with it. The employee gets in trouble. Still, 76 bears remain.
After this, the boss calls the man into his office. He is nervous because he thinks he’s gonna get fired.
His boss says “Sir, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to let you go.”
The man says “Why? I’m keeping the forest up to standard and I’ve never gone below the number of bears you told me to have!”
His boss says “You’ve only gotten the absolute least number of bears for the past three months so I’m gonna have to let you go. We can’t have an employee who is supposed to protect wildlife doing the bear minimum all the time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjlqz6/a_man_works_for_a_wildlife_reserve/
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What doe Holy Water and Whiskey have in common?

They both burn on the way down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjlqf4/what_doe_holy_water_and_whiskey_have_in_common/
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Old Man

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked, or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can still think fast ............

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjlf6j/old_man/
%
A man is shopping at a pharmacy with his 10 year old son

As they go through the aisles the man’s son points and says “What are those?” The man looks to see his son pointing at the condoms and thinks “maybe it’s time to tell him some facts of life.”
“Those are condoms son,” the man says calmly, “They’re what men use when they want to practice safe sex with women. It’s important for men of all ages to get them and know how to use them.”
“Oh,” his son replies, “Who buys those?” The man, seeing his son pointing to the 3 pack tells him: “Those are for high school students. You have one for Friday night...one for Saturday night...and one for Sunday night.”
“Got it,” his son says, “Then who buys those?” The man seeing his son point to a 6 pack tells him: “Those are for college students. You have two for Friday night...two for Saturday night...and two for Sunday night.”
“That makes sense,” the son replies, “And who buys those?” The man, seeing his son pointing at the 12 pack puffs up his chest and says proudly: “Son, those are for married men. You have one for January...one for February...one for March...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjld8f/a_man_is_shopping_at_a_pharmacy_with_his_10_year/
%
My wife accused me of being unsympathetic and not listening, so I bought her a GI Joe coloring book.

Now she'll always have a soldier to crayon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjlbd8/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_unsympathetic_and_not/
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’
‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke’
The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.
‘Same,’ says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
‘Well,’ says the man, ’several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It’s brilliant!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,’ says the man.
The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’
The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjla10/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_with_a_fullgrown/
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Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,
Today, you voted.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjl7y9/heaven_or_hell/
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Captain Crunch, Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and the Lucky Charms Elf were all murdered last night...

It seems it might have been a cerial killer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjl4j7/captain_crunch_frankenberry_count_chocula_and_the/
%
A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar...

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar, the barman is puzzled, but remains professional.
“What would you like gents?” The barman asks, “just a beer thanks” the man replies. “I’ll have a lemonade with a slice please” says the ostrich,”AND I’LL HAVE A F**KING RUM & COKE!” Shouts the cat.
This shocks the barman, he non-the-less serves their drinks & asks for payment, “that’ll be £8.89 please”, the ostrich gets his wallet out and pays for his drink, “I AIN’T PAYING FOR SH*T!” screams the cat, “alright, chill for crying out loud I’ll pay for it” the man says whilst rolling his eyes.
without counting a single coin, he reaches into his pocket and straight onto the bar with a handful of change, the exact change needed to pay for his & the cat’s drink, the barman was amazed by this trick but kept it to himself.
The man, the ostrich and the cat drink up and head out the door, the cat doesn’t seem thankful for his drink being paid for, like as if it’s normal.
The following week, the same 3 come through the door and the barman points them out to his friends he’s chatting to, “watch this” he whispers.
Like de-ja-vu, the man orders a beer, ostrich has a lemonade and slice but this time the cat wants a Bloody Mary and a pickled egg & cheese & onion McCoys crisps. “That’s £13.70 please”, the ostrich pays up, the cat side eyes the man & the man, without thought, takes the EXACT change out of his pocket to pay their drinks & snacks.
The barman pulls him up on it, “ok, this happened last week, you and the ostrich are ok, the cat’s a skint a**hole and whenever you pay up you always have the exact change in your pocket, like as if you’re Houdini or sommat, what’s going on??”
The man takes the barman round the corner away from the ostrich & cat to explain, “well, I came across a lamp in a cave & a genie came out and gave me 3 wishes”, “oh yeah” says the barman, “The first wish, was that for everything I buy, I will always have the exact amount of change in my pocket, so that’s why that happens”.
“That’s pretty straight forward”exclaims the barman, “but what about the other 2 wishes, how about the ostrich and the cat?”
“I wish for a bird with long legs and a tight p*ssy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjl2dq/a_man_an_ostrich_and_a_cat_walk_into_a_bar/
%
This guy just put a leaflet through my door about how to prevent Coronavirus.

It was so good that I chased him down and shook his hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjkh0h/this_guy_just_put_a_leaflet_through_my_door_about/
%
What would you call a war between Area 51 and the Catholic Church?

Alien vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjkedp/what_would_you_call_a_war_between_area_51_and_the/
%
I had too laugh

Breaking news:
Man dies after overdosing on viagra.
His wife took it very hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjkab3/i_had_too_laugh/
%
A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk...

A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk in a stroller when a neighbor approaches.
"How cute! What's your baby's name?"
"Tiny," says the lizard mom. "Because he's my newt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjk9dr/a_lizard_mom_is_pushing_her_newborn_down_the/
%
It feels like over a year since COVID-19 came out.

Why hasn't EA released COVID-20 yet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjk86m/it_feels_like_over_a_year_since_covid19_came_out/
%
What do you call a gay homeless man?

Hobosexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjk2ec/what_do_you_call_a_gay_homeless_man/
%
What's the name of the Arch nemesis of Sirius black?

Casual White

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjk0fw/whats_the_name_of_the_arch_nemesis_of_sirius_black/
%
A man with dwarfism walks into the hospital...

There’s a guy with dwarfism that showed up in A&E the other night in a foul mood, he was embarrassed because everyone kept looking at him so the nurses put him in a room alone.
He was assessed and it turns out he has bipolar disorder, so the nurses gave him some drugs to mellow him out.
Unfortunately while he was in the hospital he caught the dreaded corona virus, and last night slipped into a coma, becoming the first midget in the UK to fall victim to the disease.
So he started Bashful, saw the Doc, got Grumpy, then Happy. The drugs made him Dopey and then he got Sneezy and went to Sleepy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjjw1m/a_man_with_dwarfism_walks_into_the_hospital/
%
I have always suspected that people are selfish and during disasters will only look after number 1...

...but the Corona virus is proving they are more concerned with number 2's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjjvom/i_have_always_suspected_that_people_are_selfish/
%
Coronavirus is driving us mad!

We have become crazy.
I went to the bathroom at a restaurant. I washed my hands, opened the door with my elbow, I raised the toilet seat with my foot, I switched on the water faucet with a tissue then opened the bathroom door  to leave with my elbow and when i returned to my table I realized.... I forgot to pull up my pants!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjj1ra/coronavirus_is_driving_us_mad/
%
Sorry but thought this joke was funny in away

Went to the library this morning and asked the assistant if she had a copy of the book for men with small penises.
She said "its not in yet"
I said "thats the one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjix6c/sorry_but_thought_this_joke_was_funny_in_away/
%
Jared from subway was sentenced by the judge for 16 years in prison.

But he didn’t care, you know why
Because he was ok with anything under 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjiu3j/jared_from_subway_was_sentenced_by_the_judge_for/
%
My dog ate my C++ homework

It took him a couple of bytes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjismh/my_dog_ate_my_c_homework/
%
I have to stop my tongue clicking habit

Yesterday, this Xhosa man almost punched me in the face, screaming 'What the hell did you just call me!?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjipss/i_have_to_stop_my_tongue_clicking_habit/
%
Favourite joke

Judge: so Mickey it says you want to divorce Minnie because she is extremely silly?
Mickey: I didn’t say she was extremely silly I said she’s fucking goofy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjipmi/favourite_joke/
%
A boy. A mother, and dark humor.

son: mommy, what is dark humor?
mother: you see that man over there without hands? tell him to clap.
son: but mommy i am blind
mother: exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjik9z/a_boy_a_mother_and_dark_humor/
%
Why shouldn't you date a tennis player?

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjije7/why_shouldnt_you_date_a_tennis_player/
%
U2 are holding a concert in Scotland.

Halfway through the show, as the other band members take a break, Bono takes to the stage and begins clapping his hands. A steady, rythmic clap. He leans into the microphone and addresses the crowd:
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies".
From somewhere in the crowd, a voice pipes up:
"Well stop fucking doing it then".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjij3a/u2_are_holding_a_concert_in_scotland/
%
NO,NO,NO

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
When does the punchline become apparent?
After the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjih0w/nonono/
%
My wife said I should stop high-fiving people because of the Coronavirus, but I think she's being paranoid.

It's not like I'm going to get it twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjih0c/my_wife_said_i_should_stop_highfiving_people/
%
BREAKING NEWS! CORONAVIRUS!

Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjif2f/breaking_news_coronavirus/
%
As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches…

My doctor said it's my grains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjiddc/as_a_wheat_farmer_i_keep_having_these_strange/
%
Exams be like....

Choose the correct answer.
“Two Zero Two Four”
A: 2024
B: 0044
C: 0024
D: 2044

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjicdz/exams_be_like/
%
Van damme...

Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are at a bar, discussing which classical composer they would most rather be. "I'll be beethoven", says van damme. "Well in that case I'll be mozart" says Stallone. Arnie replies "I'll be Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fji7z0/van_damme/
%
I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjhw3h/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
%
If they close the grocery stores and we have to hunt for our food, I'm fucked.

I don't even know where Doritos live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjhuel/if_they_close_the_grocery_stores_and_we_have_to/
%
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjhspt/im_sure_my_wife_has_been_putting_glue_on_my/
%
Wondering how anti-vaxxers feel about a coronavirus vaccine...

...I bet they're dying for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjhg04/wondering_how_antivaxxers_feel_about_a/
%
News Anchor: CDC advises no handshakes at this time.

Jeffrey Dahmer: AWW... **STOPS BLENDER* *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjhfb9/news_anchor_cdc_advises_no_handshakes_at_this_time/
%
A woman calls the police to report a thief who stole her glasses.

The police arrive and ask if she remembers what the perpetrator looked like. Sadly by then it was all a blur to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjh8dc/a_woman_calls_the_police_to_report_a_thief_who/
%
I hate coronavirus jokes

They are spreading like a disease

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjh5d2/i_hate_coronavirus_jokes/
%
English puns make me feel numb

Math jokes make me feel number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjh1cc/english_puns_make_me_feel_numb/
%
A suicide bomber blew up his own house..

Took work from home very seriously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjgw46/a_suicide_bomber_blew_up_his_own_house/
%
People who panic-buy and hoard toilet papers

are clean assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjgpzg/people_who_panicbuy_and_hoard_toilet_papers/
%
Having run out of toilet paper, Jack switched to newspapers.

Now you have a well-read Jack ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjgpfp/having_run_out_of_toilet_paper_jack_switched_to/
%
I’m learning a soon to be dead language

It’s called Italian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjggix/im_learning_a_soon_to_be_dead_language/
%
Why was the blind girl surprised to lose her virginity?

She didn’t see him coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjgc84/why_was_the_blind_girl_surprised_to_lose_her/
%
Two people having a conversation

A: Looking at you reminds me of the sun
B: Hot, attractive and source of all life?
A: No, fat, round and looking at you hurts my eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjg81z/two_people_having_a_conversation/
%
Barely anyone knows about Napoleon's younger brother

They were Bonaparte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjg2yj/barely_anyone_knows_about_napoleons_younger/
%
Mama bear & papa bear are getting a divorce

Mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. They go before the judge to decide custody of baby bear.
The judge asks baby bear, "do you want to live with mama bear?"
"No," baby bear says, "mama bear beats me."
"Oh no," the judge says, "then how about papa bear?"
"No, not papa bear," baby bear says, "papa bear beats me too."
"Oh well, you have to live with someone," the judge says, "who do you want to live with?"
Baby bear says, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, because they never beat anyone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjfu59/mama_bear_papa_bear_are_getting_a_divorce/
%
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell

Yep, they're still in Michigan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjfrr8/two_guys_from_michigan_die_and_wake_up_in_hell/
%
Massive diarrhea just came out of my butt!

Oh, wait. That sounded bad. It's not what you think.
'Massive Diarrhea' is the name of my gerbil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjflc7/massive_diarrhea_just_came_out_of_my_butt/
%
I was just in my local supermarket...

Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of.
I called him a selfish b\*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself!
He said: "That’s all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjfico/i_was_just_in_my_local_supermarket/
%
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjfgzp/a_man_whod_just_died_is_delivered_to_a_local/
%
My friend Dale said I should stop making jokes about the Third Battle of Ypres.

I replied, "It's my passion, Dale!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjfgxr/my_friend_dale_said_i_should_stop_making_jokes/
%
Two guys from Florida die and wake up in hell

I mean, where else would they go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjf7y6/two_guys_from_florida_die_and_wake_up_in_hell/
%
Lobster tail and beer

my three favorite things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjf66o/lobster_tail_and_beer/
%
I just came home from Costco

I witnessed a man whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!
I said "You're a selfish bastard! The elderly, disabled, and parents of young children desperately need these types of things! You should be ashamed of yourself!"
He said, "That’s all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjezot/i_just_came_home_from_costco/
%
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.

The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari.
Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet.
Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys.
Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about?
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are.
Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper.
Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life.
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjeylk/four_guys_are_at_a_high_school_reunion_and_one_of/
%
There's a family with a little boy driving down the road behind a garbage truck.

While they are driving, a dildo flies out of the garbage truck and hits the families windshield. In an effort to save their sons innocence, the mom goes, "Wow that was a huge BUG". The son replies, " Damn how does a bug fly with a cock that big?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjegn6/theres_a_family_with_a_little_boy_driving_down/
%
If someone becomes your toilet paper dealer...

does that make them your butt plug?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjedow/if_someone_becomes_your_toilet_paper_dealer/
%
CDC advises no gatherings of 50 of more people...

So dont worry, Trump inaugurations are still a safe place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fje7h9/cdc_advises_no_gatherings_of_50_of_more_people/
%
The silver lining to the COVID-19 panic?

No need to worry about those plans you were going to cancel on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fje5nk/the_silver_lining_to_the_covid19_panic/
%
Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside, let me in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjdzv9/knock_knock/
%
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night

And realizes her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs and finds him sitting alone in the kitchen, looking very serious.
“Is everything alright, honey?” she asks.
“Do you remember way back when we first started dating? And your father caught us fooling around in the back of your car?”
“Of course!” she says, thinking how sweet it is that he’s reminiscing on the early days of their courtship.
“Do you remember how he stuck that shotgun in my face and told me that if I didn’t marry you he’d send me to jail for 25 years?”
“How could I forget?”
He looks up at her, wipes away a tear, and says “I would have gotten out today.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjdv30/a_woman_wakes_up_in_the_middle_of_the_night/
%
A guy comes up to White River Junction in Vermont...

The sign says “White River 2M” and “White River 2M”. Confused by the sign, he finds a local and asks,
“What difference does it make if I take the left or the right?”
The Vermonter says, “Not to me it don’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjduzp/a_guy_comes_up_to_white_river_junction_in_vermont/
%
A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.

He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f\*cking'." His wife says, "That's a duck." He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjdm70/a_man_walks_into_his_house_with_a_duck_under_his/
%
I didn't believe my wife when she could make a delicious dinner out of an electric eel.

But when I tried it, I was shocked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjd6bq/i_didnt_believe_my_wife_when_she_could_make_a/
%
Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Your bosses tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjcxy2/whats_12_inches_long_and_hangs_in_front_of_an/
%
What's green and goes to summer camp?

A brussel scout!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjcunr/whats_green_and_goes_to_summer_camp/
%
A horse walks into a bar

The bartender says “Hey.”
The horse says “Sure I’d love some.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjcgno/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What’s the similarities between a circus and a whore house?

One has cunning stunts and the other has stunning cunts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjc3ia/whats_the_similarities_between_a_circus_and_a/
%
What do you call a birth in an immigration detention center?

Ice ice baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjc304/what_do_you_call_a_birth_in_an_immigration/
%
Abbot & Costello

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and
Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate
this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read
on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
'Who's
on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No , the name's Lou .
ABBOTT : Your computer?
COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT : Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou .
ABBOTT : What about Windows?
COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT : Wallpaper.
COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT : Software for Windows?
COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT : Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT : I just did.
COSTELLO : You just did what?
ABBOTT : Recommend something.
COSTELLO : You recommended something ?
ABBOTT : Yes.
COSTELLO : For my office?
ABBOTT : Yes.
COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT : Office.
COSTELLO : Yes , for my office!
ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT : Word.
COSTELLO : What word?
ABBOTT : Word in Office.
COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything
I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT : Money.
COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT : Money.
COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT : One copy.
COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT : Click on 'START'........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjc2vp/abbot_costello/
%
What do you call an alien with three balls?

An extrateressticle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjbv2m/what_do_you_call_an_alien_with_three_balls/
%
The kid I just hired to clean up the poop in my yard just realized

I don’t have a dog! #TPshortage2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjbezb/the_kid_i_just_hired_to_clean_up_the_poop_in_my/
%
Got kicked out of Weight Watchers...

I dropped a bag of M&Ms.
Best damn game of Hungry Hungry Hippos I've ever played.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjbdau/got_kicked_out_of_weight_watchers/
%
What’s the difference between your dick and a light switch?

A light switch actually turns things on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjbbnf/whats_the_difference_between_your_dick_and_a/
%
Food is getting so scarce, I just followed a squirrel so I could steal his nuts.

It was a lot of work for two small pieces of meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjb8md/food_is_getting_so_scarce_i_just_followed_a/
%
My friend just told me a long boring story about an incestuous relationship.

It was such an auntie climax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjaxyd/my_friend_just_told_me_a_long_boring_story_about/
%
Im so delighted.

A thief stole my lamp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjaxou/im_so_delighted/
%
Any blind redditors, what's the most difficult thing about being blind?

Serious answers only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjawab/any_blind_redditors_whats_the_most_difficult/
%
China just released the name of the first man with Corona Virus

Ah Chu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjavdg/china_just_released_the_name_of_the_first_man/
%
A priest goes golfing with his sailor buddy one day..

The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will strike you down."
The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fucking missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will strike you down."
The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh fuck, I missed". The priest said, "That's it god will certainly strike you down."
Suddenly, the skies darkened, thunder boomed and a bolt of lightning came down...but it hit the priest. From the heavens a deep voice said, "Oh fuck I missed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjaqq0/a_priest_goes_golfing_with_his_sailor_buddy_one/
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Pat Benatar walks into a bar and says,

"Hit me with your best shot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjanl7/pat_benatar_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
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What happens if you rear-end a Subaru?

You'll be seeing stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjah78/what_happens_if_you_rearend_a_subaru/
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I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance....
So I pushed the fucker over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjah4i/i_saw_a_one_legged_man_with_no_arms_at_the_atm/
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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.
One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.
While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.
They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke from the bong.
Eventually, they detach muzzle the horse and the horse's eyes get bloodshot, it is visibly high.
As a consequence, the horse starts talking:
"You have awakened me", the horse says.
The stoners, shocked, reply, "whoa, you can talk?" In unison.
The horse proceeds to tell them that they must jerk him off or die.
The first stoner says "nuh-uh, i aint like that", and the horse mauls him and chews his face, killing him slowly.
The second stoner tries to escape, screaming "Id rather die than jerk off a horse!"
The horse opens a safe, takes out a shotgun, and unloads a shell into the second stoner, making him slowly bleed out to death.
The third stoner, horrified, approaches the horse and fulfills the act until the horse is finished. The horse then spares the third stoner, and leaves him a diamond worth a great fortune.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should get off your high horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fjaeo2/3_stoners_buy_a_horse/
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My girlfriend really wants me to quit my job. She says that it is cruel that we do product testing on animals.

We’ve argued back and forth for months, and it is a very tough decision for me since I don’t have a formal education. Every day I come home from work, she becomes more and more distant. I also just got a 20% raise, and will finally be able to give my future family the life they deserve. Last night she gave me an ultimatum, her or my job.
What should I do? I love my girlfriend, but I also love my job at the hammer factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fja6vm/my_girlfriend_really_wants_me_to_quit_my_job_she/
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Son: "Mom can I get twenty bucks" Mom: Does it look like I am made of money Son:

"Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj9wlb/son_mom_can_i_get_twenty_bucks_mom_does_it_look/
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Parts of the body having a debate.

One day all the body parts are gathered together to discuss who amongst them should be the leader.
The brain steps forward and says "I should be the leader for i am the cleverest. I keep everyone organized and find solutions to problems."
Everyone is quite impressed until the heart steps forward and says "I should be the leader for i am the most important and vital organ. I supply the blood and keep everyone moving. Let us also not forget that a person can survive brain death but not the lack of a heart."
The debate keeps on until a mysterious figure emerges. Its the sphincter.
He says "Howdey. I recken yall ought to let me be the leader."
Before he could carry on his pitch the rest of the body parts were already laughing and jeering at his ridiculous proposal. So the sphincter stormed off and shut down.
Within a week the waste had built up causing problems for everyone including the heart and brain, until finally they relented and let sphincter be the leader.
The moral of the story is. To be a leader you dont have to be smart or important, just an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj9dmi/parts_of_the_body_having_a_debate/
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What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral ?

One less drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj971t/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
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Because of the coronavirus there’s a new drink people are ordering in bars.

It’s called, “global pandemic.”
What you do is, you drink a corona, then you go and buy all of the toilet paper in the world, like a jackass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj96gw/because_of_the_coronavirus_theres_a_new_drink/
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I got rid of my vacuum cleaner collection today.

It was just collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj944h/i_got_rid_of_my_vacuum_cleaner_collection_today/
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Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?

Because she was trying to make up her mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj8zu5/why_did_the_blonde_put_lipstick_on_her_forehead/
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A man goes to the store to buy some beef Jerky...

The clerk at the counter asks "is that everything sir?"
The man licks his lips and says "yep. Just the jerky"
The clerk responds "OK, but please don't lick my lips ever again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj8ewd/a_man_goes_to_the_store_to_buy_some_beef_jerky/
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If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it..........

He's gay, definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj880y/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_10_men_shes_a_slut_but_if/
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A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj7wrx/a_man_in_an_interrogation_room_says_im_not_saying/
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Dude walks into a party dressed as an instrument.

Dude: How do you like my harp costume, Bro?
Dude's Bro: Dude, that's actually to small to be a harp, man.
Dude: *gasp* Are you calling me a lyre?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj7w22/dude_walks_into_a_party_dressed_as_an_instrument/
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Life is like a toilet paper

One minute you’re on a roll
And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj7uw1/life_is_like_a_toilet_paper/
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I don’t think coronavirus will last long...

It was made in China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj7lun/i_dont_think_coronavirus_will_last_long/
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A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”...

The doctor said to not worry. They where just contractions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj7aux/a_woman_in_labor_suddenly_shouted_shouldnt/
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I have two requirements in my will....

1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World
2) I do not want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj7atw/i_have_two_requirements_in_my_will/
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With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj6w15/with_this_whole_virus_pandemic_i_think_its_become/
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Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19

This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj6qdb/scientists_confirmed_west_virginia_has_zero_cases/
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Why do redditors hate sex jokes?

It's because they don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj6nmc/why_do_redditors_hate_sex_jokes/
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Dogs weren't allowed in Mr. Wonka's factory.

He did however have a chocolate lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj6bkr/dogs_werent_allowed_in_mr_wonkas_factory/
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A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...

He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.
The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."
His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it."
The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the pickle slicer."
The woman stifles a laugh tells her husband not to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
A few weeks go by, and the man only wabts to put his penis in the pickle slicer more and more, so he goes to his manager, to ask for help, and the manager refers him to an occupational therapist and gives him some time off.  Nothing helps though, the therapist refers him to a real psychologist, hoping that maybe they can cure this man's affliction.
So one day the man comes home to his wife and says with a sigh, "Honey, I got fired today. I put my penis in the pickle slicer."
She gasps, crying out "oh my god! You have to go to the hospital!"
The man looks up at her, "Oh no, I'm perfectly fine. I feel great, actually."
His wife is now completely bewildered, "But, bu--your peni- and the pickle slicer!?"
The man shrugs, "Yeah, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj63gd/a_man_comes_home_to_his_wife_from_his_job_at_a/
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You can't be too careful with this corona virus...

I just called my mother in-law not to come over for Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj4re0/you_cant_be_too_careful_with_this_corona_virus/
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Meatloaf has produced 3 really great songs but of them, I can only recognise Bat out of Hell and Heaven can wait.

Well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj4qmr/meatloaf_has_produced_3_really_great_songs_but_of/
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I heard a rumour about this grey butterfly that hangs around street lights in dark alleys.

Turned out it was an urban moth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj4p26/i_heard_a_rumour_about_this_grey_butterfly_that/
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A man on an airplane

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Chicago,"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"
I am the lead lecturer," she responded. "I take what I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
Well." she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolute best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
"I'm sorry" she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said,
"Tonto Goldberg,
but my friends call me Bubba."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj4geo/a_man_on_an_airplane/
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It's been a great week for my coughing fetish...

but it's a fever that gets me really hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj3yuw/its_been_a_great_week_for_my_coughing_fetish/
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It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.
This will make sure that
a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.
b) nobody will shake hands with you.
c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.
d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj3j94/its_confirmed_fresh_cow_dung_can_stop_corona/
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Kid born without eyelids

Just saw in the news that a kid at a nearby hospital was born without any eyelids.
Poor little guy had a hard time sleeping until a doc fixed his issue by using the baby's foreskin to create eyelids.
Kid is doing alright now. He's just a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj3e1s/kid_born_without_eyelids/
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I don't practice "social distancing."

After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj35ef/i_dont_practice_social_distancing/
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West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.

Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj32xz/west_virginia_is_the_last_us_state_without_a/
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Want to hear a corona virus joke?

You probably won’t get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj32cw/want_to_hear_a_corona_virus_joke/
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What's the score between the ocean and the beach?

Tide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj2za1/whats_the_score_between_the_ocean_and_the_beach/
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What do you call your Irish boyfriend who buys you anything you want?

Sugar Paddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj2wla/what_do_you_call_your_irish_boyfriend_who_buys/
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A man takes his dog to the Cinema...

...They sit there together, watching the movie and the dog is absolutely loving it... He's crying at the sad parts...  Laughing at the funny bits...
After the movie, they're leaving the theatre and a movie-goer comes up to them and says "Hey man, i just saw you and your dog in there, watching the film... It was amazing" he said, pointing to the dog... "he looked like he was absolutely loving it! ... He was crying at the sad parts... Laughing at the funny bits..."
The man replies "yeah i know, it's crazy... Because he hated the book".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj2ih2/a_man_takes_his_dog_to_the_cinema/
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‪Q: Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?‬

A: It got stuck in a crack..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj2fg2/q_why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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What does a sprinter eat for breakfast?

Nothing. They fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj2ebr/what_does_a_sprinter_eat_for_breakfast/
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How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to say “unionized”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj26tr/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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The most unexpected effect of Corona Virus is it changes the taste of the food you eat

Nothing is wrong with your taste buds, all kitchen staff have started washing their hands!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj22xm/the_most_unexpected_effect_of_corona_virus_is_it/
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What's the difference between Covid 19 and the 737 Max?

Covid 19 is airborne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj223f/whats_the_difference_between_covid_19_and_the_737/
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Praise the lord!!!

Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the ranch, the horse’s owner said “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘praise the Lord’ to make him go, and ‘amen’ to make him stop.”
Bill got on the horse and said “praise the Lord.” the horse started to walk. “Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord” and the horse is running. Now Bill sees the cliff and says: “AMEN.” The horse stops and Bill says: “Whew! Praise the lord!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj1ypw/praise_the_lord/
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What should be the slogan of World Health Organization?

WHO cares!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj1xbt/what_should_be_the_slogan_of_world_health/
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What do you call?

Q:  What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
A:  A cab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj1tp6/what_do_you_call/
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I had a dream that my wife's breasts were made from solid mahogany.

That would be wierd, wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj1s7i/i_had_a_dream_that_my_wifes_breasts_were_made/
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Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj1osw/humans_can_catch_diseases_from_monkeys_and_bats/
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Magical dwarf

A man comes home from work, depressed and tired, waiting whole day to see his wife and kids to cheer up a little bit. He enters the apartment, nobody is there, he goes into his bedroom and his wife is naked on top of another man, going hard at it making a lot of noise. Fucked up from what he saw, he loses all hope, decides to go to the balcony to end his miserable life. He steps out on the balcony ready to jump, and his daughter is there having sex with a huge muscular black man, going hard at it. He can't believe what's in front of him, he goes to the bathroom to cut his veins, he can't take any more of this. He opens the bathroom door, and another shock for him, his son is there giving a blowjob to and older gentleman, moaning and enjoying it.
He decides to go out, take a walk and think about everything he saw, still shocked from everything. He's walking through the city, smoking one cigarette after another, thinking what went wrong and what the fuck is happening. After hours of walking he sees the bridge, and with it sees another opportunity to end it all, there is no point to any of this. Just as he's about to jump, someone pull his jacket, it's a red haired dwarf. He tells him "man what are you doing, whatever happened it's not worth it, you get one life, you can't just throw it away like that". Man is not convinced, he starts climbing the fence, and the dwarf pulls him once again. He tells him "Hey man, listen to me now, I don't say this to a lot of people, but ever since childhood, I had these powers, see I'm a magical dwarf. I have ability to change things and make everything right for another human being, but it comes at great cost for me, I have to live in great pain for a long period of time so I don't do it often. But I haven't done it in a while, and I'm ready to do again". Man, intrigued, decides to entertain his idea. What's there to lose anyway. Dwarf tells him "All you gotta do, is give me a blowjob, I haven't gotten one in forever, I'm really lonely, but you do that for me, I save your life, I'll make everything right for you again". Man thinks to himself, what is one blowjob, if it doesn't work out I'm going to kill myself anyway, there is nothing to lose.
Dwarf pulls his pants down, and a man starts going at it. He's doing everything dwarf tells him to, and after a couple of minutes, he finishes him. Dwarf tells him "ok, let's do this, how old are you? that's important". Man tells him he's 47 years old. Dwarf looks at him "Damn, 47 and you still believe in magical dwarfs huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj1ird/magical_dwarf/
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Why do Brits love anal sex so much?

They've always been into colonialism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj1gyf/why_do_brits_love_anal_sex_so_much/
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Old Guys

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked
him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on
the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said
"Do you have any Rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of
it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the
time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj1g4r/old_guys/
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Two blonds walk into a bar,

^you'd ^think ^one ^of ^them ^would've ^seen ^it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj1eu2/two_blonds_walk_into_a_bar/
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The Sun may have COVID-19...

It had a coronal mass ejection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj1di7/the_sun_may_have_covid19/
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Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil

To calm all your asses down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj0oec/someone_needs_to_start_selling_toilet_paper/
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Fries

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj0awe/fries/
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This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj0aef/this_morning_my_wife_was_in_the_kitchen_preparing/
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What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons

A fucking huge city devouring monster. Imagine walking around and seeing a 3 ton snake. Jesus fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj0a5a/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_weighs_314_tons/
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Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj092y/today_my_stoner_friend_used_my_todo_list_as_a/
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My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.
For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj08zy/my_grandfather_died_and_i_inherited_some_of_his/
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How do you make extra virgin olive oil from regular olive oil?

Dating advice from a Redditor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fj04lb/how_do_you_make_extra_virgin_olive_oil_from/
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What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons?

A πton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fizz76/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_weighs_314_tons/
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Had to sue a deadbeat parsley farmer

just wait until I garnish his wages

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fizi1h/had_to_sue_a_deadbeat_parsley_farmer/
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiz822/two_young_boys_walked_into_a_pharmacy_picked_out/
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Light travels faster than sound

That’s why people seem bright until you hear them speak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiz5w8/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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I live in Edinburgh, and I went with a friend to help him get his clothes for a wedding...

We were in the shop, and my friend spoke to the tailor and said he wasn't sure whether he should get a kilt or trews for the ceremony, so the tailor asked him "What's the tartan?"
"Oh she'll be wearing a white dress, I suppose..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiz45g/i_live_in_edinburgh_and_i_went_with_a_friend_to/
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[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.
* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me of the smell of certain colleagues I'm now prevented from seeing.
* I've placed a few pieces of cardbord in all window panes in order to produce a draft.
* I've purchased ten portable radios and tuned them to different talk radio channels, adjusting the volume to slightly above normal conversation volume. At least one radio channel host has a loud and penetrating laughter. Half of the channels are allowed some professional content, but no more.
* I've had automatic blinds installed but asked the installer to reverse the motor so the blinds go up when the sun shines through my window and down when it gets cloudy.
* I found a handful of old mobile phones and installed some loud and distinctive ring tones that I found online. I've agreed with my colleagues that they call them a few times per hour, avoiding the temptation to answer them until my colleagues hang up--like in the office.
* For a proper coffee experience, I brew my coffee the day before. Whenever I need a cup of coffee, I reheat the entire bottle in the microwave and pour myself a cup.
* I have purchased both a cooling unit and a heating unit. They are adjusted so that the cooling unit engages at two degrees higher than the heating unit disenages. It is important for them to thus compete against each other, becaues otherwise I won't get a lifelike simulation of the HVAC system in our office.
* I have replaced all of my office plants with wax plants--you know, those plants that are typically arranged in a upright torus and bark covering the soil. They require minimal maintenance, and require only some cuts and adjustments every now and then, thus being treated much like all other life in the office.
* Whenever I begin working on a task, I start an egg timer so that it takes no more than 23 minutes before I get interrupted.
* I've invested in an electrically adjustable desk. I realize that only few people actually make use of this feature but it sends an important message about the company's concern for the well-being of its employees. If your have no pain in your back, then everything is fine.
* I remove all of my personal items, PC connections, etc. from my desk every affternoon, because although I intend to use them all the next morning, I must be reminded that I can never know where I will be placed on the next work day.
* I've printed a number of US letter-sized sheets with text and accompanying stikc men (M/F, of course) that communicate how to be considerate of your employees. This is exclusively to set a proper atmosphere because just like in the office, no-one follows the recommendations.
* I have installed an additional DHCP server on my home network in order to get IP address conflicts.
* It will be expensive, but at least once a week I'll be hiring a construction team to perform noisy work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiyxrm/long_my_company_is_locked_down_and_i_am_required/
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"What?! I'm gonna die!? That can't be right! Do it again or you're fired!"

"But sir, your COVID-19 test came back *negative,* Mr. President."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiyr3m/what_im_gonna_die_that_cant_be_right_do_it_again/
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Did you know it's legal to use lethal force on babies that keep you up at night?

I mean, they are resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiyfq3/did_you_know_its_legal_to_use_lethal_force_on/
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Medusa's eyes are very sexy

They make me rock hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiye5r/medusas_eyes_are_very_sexy/
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Why does a chicken coup have two doors?

Because if it had four, it'd be a chicken sedan.
(Some joke I posted on FB years ago before I understood the point of social media.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiyclm/why_does_a_chicken_coup_have_two_doors/
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Mortal sin

... when we were small, we were told at Sunday school that not attending Sunday mass is a **mortal sin** which surely prevent one from entering heaven. Today, amid COVID-19 spreading fear Archbishop cancelled all the Sunday masses ...
... are we damned to hell en masse or all this time Archbishop had the power to pardon mortal sin?
\-- sorry, there is no **punch-line** ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiy0sl/mortal_sin/
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A penguin has car trouble

He calls a tow truck and rides with the driver to a service station. Inside they also sell snacks, so he buys two ice cream sandwiches. He scarfs then both down and walks out to check on his car, neglecting to wipe his face. He asks the mechanic “what’s this issue?” The mechanic responds, “it looks like you blew a seal!” The penguin replies “nah man, I just had a couple ice cream sandwiches!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fixxwi/a_penguin_has_car_trouble/
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A man went to the doctor and the doctor told him, "Sir, I have bad news, you are going to die soon"

The man said, "well that is just terrible, what should I do?"
The doctor told him, "You should take 3 mud baths every day"
The man said, "well, how is that going to help me?"
The doctor says, "It will get you used to the dirt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fixu8d/a_man_went_to_the_doctor_and_the_doctor_told_him/
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Why cant the pony sing?

Thats because it was a little horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fixpgd/why_cant_the_pony_sing/
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Two Irishmen are chatting. One says to the other, did you hear about the new virus from China?

I thought it was a panda, Mick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fixpg6/two_irishmen_are_chatting_one_says_to_the_other/
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A father whale and his son are swimming

when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."
At which point, the father whale was stricken by a long thin object which penetrated him with ease. He saw that it appeared to come from some large, shape floating at the surface.
Another harpoon struck the father as his son gazed at him with terror and disbelief, he watched the life drain from his eyes.
Multiple years later, A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.  The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fixo3s/a_father_whale_and_his_son_are_swimming/
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How a good day turns bad

A police officer pulled over a man and told him because he had been wearing his seat belt, he won $1000 in their giveaway. The officer asked the man what he was going to do with the money and the man replied, “Well, I’m guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”
The man’s wife quickly leaned over and told the officer, “Officer don’t listen to him. He’s a smart ass when he’s drunk.”
This woke up the guy sleeping in the backseat who, upon seeing the cop, blurted out, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, “Are we over the border yet?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fixg4r/how_a_good_day_turns_bad/
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In my spare time I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fixfiv/in_my_spare_time_i_help_blind_children/
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American, Frenchman, and a Russian Desert Genie

I searched and found this one only posted once and I think the punchline lacked compared to the way my Russian processor told it.
A Frenchman, an American, and a Russian find themselves lost in the desert with no hope of rescue. One of them spots a glimmer in the distance and they all rush towards it, finding two ice cold bottles of vodka in the sand. They all agree that if they're to die they might as well die drunk and crack open the first bottle. After they finish it, out comes a genie. The genie tells them he will grant them each their hearts desire. The American says, "I want to be back in New York with a corner office at my job, overlooking the city, and a beautiful girl on my lap."
"Shkazoom," says the Genie as he nods his head. The American disappears in a poof of smoke.
Next, the Frenchman says, "I want to be on the steps of my girlfriend's appartement with a bouquet of roses in one hand and a bottle of the finest champagne in the other."
"Shkazoom," says the Genie again and the Frenchman, too, disappears. "What about you?" he asks the Russian.
"Wellll, there is still one bottle left. And it would be such a shame to let it go to waste. Eh, why don't you bring back the boys?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fix3fw/american_frenchman_and_a_russian_desert_genie/
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So here's a story.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. It totally ruined the mood... Now I didn't know Joseph that well, heck, I don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye, He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from... Where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiwyul/so_heres_a_story/
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I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: "Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron!"

She is watching our wedding video again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiwm22/i_saw_my_wife_slightly_drunk_yelling_at_the_tv/
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What's green and fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiwfbb/whats_green_and_fuzzy_and_will_kill_you_if_it/
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Why does a leprechaun laugh when he runs?

Because the grass tickles his balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiw39p/why_does_a_leprechaun_laugh_when_he_runs/
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A man came home and discovered that someone has stolen all his lamps.

He was delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiw01u/a_man_came_home_and_discovered_that_someone_has/
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Is 4 followers a lot?

Depends on context.
On Instagram, no.
In a dark alley, yes, that's a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fivsrd/is_4_followers_a_lot/
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What’s an antivaxxers favorite vacuum?

Dyson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fivog7/whats_an_antivaxxers_favorite_vacuum/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fivkc8/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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I thought my girlfriend was a slut when she told me i was her thirty second lover

But then I realize she was talking about time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fivel3/i_thought_my_girlfriend_was_a_slut_when_she_told/
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Why was the teacher cross eyed?

Because she couldn’t control her pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/five3h/why_was_the_teacher_cross_eyed/
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When you die, which body part dies last?

The pupils, they dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiv93a/when_you_die_which_body_part_dies_last/
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With all this Corona virus going around, I'm really worried about Kevin Bacon.

He's always at most 6 degrees away from someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiv91q/with_all_this_corona_virus_going_around_im_really/
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My girlfriend and I played footsie at the family table and I climaxed.

Turns out it was her grandmother. Guess I got off on the wrong foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiv6uv/my_girlfriend_and_i_played_footsie_at_the_family/
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The chicken and the egg are lying in bed [NSFW]

The chicken turns to the egg and says, "Well, I guess now we know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiv1tr/the_chicken_and_the_egg_are_lying_in_bed_nsfw/
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A man walked into a bar with his pet monkey.

The bartender said, "You can't bring that monkey in here!" The man said, "Don't worry, he won't cause any trouble."
Within seconds the monkey jumped on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball. The bartender yelled, "Hey, he just ate my cue ball. No one can play pool anymore! Get out!"
The man left but came back one week later with his monkey. He apologized to the bartender and promised no more trouble. The bartender let him and the monkey stay.
Later that night, the monkey walked over to a bowl of grapes, put one in his ass, and then ate it. The bartender said, "That's disgusting! Why did he do that!"
The man said, "Since he swallowed the cue ball, he sizes everything up before he eats it."
An oldie but a goodie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiuwnp/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
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Biker joke

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control, and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman behind the wheel who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that..."
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this..."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch, I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiuvfc/biker_joke/
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There will be a baby boom in 9 months and

In 2033, we will see  the rise of "the quarantineens"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiun9p/there_will_be_a_baby_boom_in_9_months_and/
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Irishman

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiumku/irishman/
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?".
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiufoc/an_irish_priest_is_driving_down_to_new_york_and/
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I finally got my vagina sculpting business off the ground and business is booming. My clients really enjoy my work and are always happy to pay...

For cervices rendered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiudhr/i_finally_got_my_vagina_sculpting_business_off/
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A Doctor meets with his patient

“Sir I’m afraid I have some bad news,” says the doctor.
“What is it Doc?” The man asks.
“First, you have Cancer. Second, you tested positive for Alzheimer’s.”
“Well,” the man says, “at least I don’t have Cancer!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiub0y/a_doctor_meets_with_his_patient/
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What do you call an old Avatar that always comes back to you?

A boomer aang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiuapw/what_do_you_call_an_old_avatar_that_always_comes/
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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiu8yn/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession…

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiu6on/my_sons_kindergarten_teacher_was_arrested_for/
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2 girls and their dad are sitting in a car.

Girl 1: Dad, why am I named Rose?
Dad: Because a rose fell on your nose as we were leaving the hospital.
Girl 2: **caveman noises**
Dad: Be quiet, Brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiu248/2_girls_and_their_dad_are_sitting_in_a_car/
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If you play hide and seek in a hospital what area should you avoid

The ICU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiu1hs/if_you_play_hide_and_seek_in_a_hospital_what_area/
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Sean Connery is sitting at his desk

His wife walks in and says, "we need to talk, can I sit down?" Sean Connery says, "Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fitp79/sean_connery_is_sitting_at_his_desk/
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When it comes to COVID-19,the 3% chance ill die doesnt scare me

the 97% chance of living is what makes me shit my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fitfdk/when_it_comes_to_covid19the_3_chance_ill_die/
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Orion's belt is a waist of space.

Not the greatest joke. 3 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fitexj/orions_belt_is_a_waist_of_space/
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What’s the difference between a collier and a kid with hypothermia?

Ones a coal miner and the others a cold minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fitbja/whats_the_difference_between_a_collier_and_a_kid/
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What did the papa goat say to the mama goat when she was giving birth?

You've goat to be kidding me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fit7gv/what_did_the_papa_goat_say_to_the_mama_goat_when/
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks why the long face

The horse, not able to understand human language, shits on the floor and leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fit5xz/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender_asks/
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Diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fit4g5/diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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Shoe factory burns down

No soles lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fit453/shoe_factory_burns_down/
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What do you call a turkey that shows too much cleavage?

A fowl temptress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiswlu/what_do_you_call_a_turkey_that_shows_too_much/
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People are buying up all the toilet paper

because they're loosing their shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fisv7p/people_are_buying_up_all_the_toilet_paper/
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What do you call an expired avocado?

Guaca-moldy
(Courtesy of my 12-year-old that hears Dad jokes all the time)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fisqel/what_do_you_call_an_expired_avocado/
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How to speak Italian

Credit to my 8 year old daughter.
"Hey, Dad. Want to hear me speak Italian?"
"Sure!"
*cough cough*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fisjbm/how_to_speak_italian/
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I am absolutely certain that I only want vaginal sex...

No butts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fis6vc/i_am_absolutely_certain_that_i_only_want_vaginal/
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My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fis57r/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_took_her/
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Did you hear about the cow that had a hysterectomy?

She was decaffeinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/firupb/did_you_hear_about_the_cow_that_had_a_hysterectomy/
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I like to imagine supreme court is just like regular court...

but with tomatoes and sour cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/firrxg/i_like_to_imagine_supreme_court_is_just_like/
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What do porn and music have in common?

Both make you sad when they involve A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/firo7r/what_do_porn_and_music_have_in_common/
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It’s incredibly ignorant to call COVID-19 the “Boomer Remover.”

It’s also making the Silent Generation even quieter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/firl6j/its_incredibly_ignorant_to_call_covid19_the/
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The Germans are getting worried about coronavirus.

They have started putting their towels on Hospital beds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/firl1p/the_germans_are_getting_worried_about_coronavirus/
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Why do strippers make good racecar drivers?

Because they have good lap times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/firk7o/why_do_strippers_make_good_racecar_drivers/
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A blonde woman goes to the doctor because her body is aching all over...

She sits down and shows the doctor all the places it hurts. She presses down on her shoulder and it gives her pain. She presses down on her knee and it brings her pain. Finally she presses down on her stomach and says “ouch!” The doctor has seen enough and decides to take a fully body x-ray. The doctor comes back with the diagnosis; her finger was broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/firjzn/a_blonde_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_because_her/
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A woman says to her friend.

"Sex with my Husband is like the lottery"
Same old balls, no chance of a "69" and after 30 seconds it all ends in a fucking rollover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/firj6o/a_woman_says_to_her_friend/
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Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?

He wanted to find himself a tight seal
(Sorry if this was posted already, i havent seen it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fire40/why_did_the_walrus_go_to_the_tupperware_party/
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The Time Keeper, The Clock Maker, and The Bell Ringer

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon
When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle
One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off
Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional clock maker
The man goes to the shop and has the clock maker set his watch to the correct time
He tells the clock maker what he does for a living  and that it is important that his watch keeps correct time
The clock maker tells him that he needn't worry because he set his watch by the clocks in the back and that he can be sure that they're on time because he sets them every Sunday when the church bells ring at 6am
The man leaves the shop but starts to ask himself how does the church know exactly when it is 6am?
So he goes to the church and finds the bell ringer and asks him how does he know when to ring the bells and how does he make sure that he has the correct time
The bell ringer tells him that he rings the bells right when his watch strikes 6am and he's sure his watch is correct because he checks it everyday at noon when the factory goes on break

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiqftb/the_time_keeper_the_clock_maker_and_the_bell/
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A mobster kidnaps a biologist, an electrical engineer, and a physicist

He sits them down and tells them, "I need a way to win a horse race every time. You are each going to think up a plan for doing this... Or else. "
A week later, the biologist walks in, "It's simple. We drug the horses with this series of amphetamines and steroids that I've come up with. "
The mob boss is annoyed, "Oh, you think we haven't been trying to drug horses for years? How stupid do you think we are?". The biologist is then killed.
The electrical engineer comes back a month later. "So, I've come up with this under-saddle electrical shocking device. It should spur the horse to victory"
Again, the boss is annoyed, "Really, you think shocking a horse is the way to do this? I said I wanted a sure thing, and this ain't that.". The electrical engineer meets the same date as the biologist.
Three month later, the Physicist comes in. "Ok, I have come up with an equation that perfectly predicts which horse will win any given race, Everytime."
The boss is thrilled, "Now this is what I'm talking about!"
The physicist begins, "First, we assume a spherical horse..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiq0l2/a_mobster_kidnaps_a_biologist_an_electrical/
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Two fools leave home and head to a bar...

...when one of them realizes that he has worn mismatched shoes. Too embarrassed to walk in the open all the way back, he asks the other fool to go home and retrieve his only other pair.
Ten minutes later, the second fool returns empty-handed. "Where are my shoes?!" the first fool asks.
"Well, I went back and your other pair of shoes is the exact same pair that you have on now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fipxe7/two_fools_leave_home_and_head_to_a_bar/
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What Does A French Person Smoke?

oui'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fipuhe/what_does_a_french_person_smoke/
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A man pukes on himself in the bar. And says “Oh no what am I going to do? I promised my wife I wouldn’t get drunk here.”

The bartender sees him and says. “It’s ok man take $20 out of your wallet and put it in your shirt pocket.  Tell her someone got sick on you and gave you some money for the inconvenience.”
The guy says thanks and walks home.  Put money in his shirt pocket and leaves his clothes in the laundry room and goes to bed.
When he wakes up his wife is standing by the bed holding his shirt in one hand and money in the other hand and asks “what happend?”
“Oh yeah” he responds “someone puked on me and gave me $20 for the trouble.”
“Oh ok but why is their $40?”
“Oh yeah he shit in my pants too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiptod/a_man_pukes_on_himself_in_the_bar_and_says_oh_no/
%
Nintendo didn’t want a repeat of the disappointing sales from their Wii U.

It was clear that they needed to make a switch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiprs8/nintendo_didnt_want_a_repeat_of_the_disappointing/
%
What do my clothes and tinder matches have in common?

Just because I'm inside them, doesnt mean I actually like them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fipq9i/what_do_my_clothes_and_tinder_matches_have_in/
%
My wife left me for an Indian guy

I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fip6d0/my_wife_left_me_for_an_indian_guy/
%
A beautiful young woman who is very liberated, walks into a bar completely naked. She stands in front of the bartender and says "I'll take a cold beer!" The bartender serves her the beer and stares at her, not moving. "What's wrong?" she says "Haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"

"Yes, many times!" the bartender replies
Then why do you look? the woman asks.
"I want to see where you're going to get the money to pay for the beer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fip63l/a_beautiful_young_woman_who_is_very_liberated/
%
The priest meets a lion in a desert

Scared to hell he begins to pray "Dear Lord! Please, teach this lion Christian morals!". The lion sits on its hind legs, tilts its head and says, "Bless you Lord the food I will now take"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fip0k0/the_priest_meets_a_lion_in_a_desert/
%
My boss said that I intimidate my coworkers

I stared at him until he apologized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fioee2/my_boss_said_that_i_intimidate_my_coworkers/
%
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/finzlx/this_really_hot_chick_in_my_apartment_complex/
%
A young boy applied for a job at a store...

The store manager said: “We are looking for somebody with sales experience but we’re having a holiday sale tomorrow and you can give it a try.”
At the end of the day the manager checked the day sales and was shocked, the boy had sold $79,083.25 worth of merchandise.
He asked the boy how he did it and he replied: “Well this guy was going fishing so I asked if he wanted some fish hooks. He said sure. That’s $1. I asked if he had a nice fishing pole. He said no and got a graphite pole for $44. I asked if he had a nice reel. He said no and I got him a reel for $35. I asked where he will be fishing and he said White Lake.
“I said the best places to fish are near the centre, and when he said he didn’t have a boat, I set him up with a 10 metre cruiser for $28,000. I asked if he had a trailer. He didn’t, so I got him a double axle trailer for $3,000. Then I asked what he had to tow the boat. He only had a station wagon, so I told him that just wouldn’t do, but we could get him a nice fully loaded Dodge Ram for $48,000. He wanted it all”.
The store manager was astounded: “And to think it all began with that man asking for fish hooks.”
The boy said: “Oh no, it all began with him asking for some $3.25 tampons for his girlfriend, and I said: ‘Well you won’t be doing much this weekend so you might as well go fishing!'”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/finyv4/a_young_boy_applied_for_a_job_at_a_store/
%
If the TP shortage has taught us one thing.

It’s that there are way too many assholes out there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/finrdz/if_the_tp_shortage_has_taught_us_one_thing/
%
What’s the most important rule when making porno music?

Never use A-minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/finjp1/whats_the_most_important_rule_when_making_porno/
%
Have you noticed the fast food is tastier lately?

Because the food industry workers are finally washing their hands!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/finaxz/have_you_noticed_the_fast_food_is_tastier_lately/
%
DIY Hand Sanitizer

If you mix Tabasco in you hand sanitizer it will not only kill germs but also teach not to touch your face and eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fin5fc/diy_hand_sanitizer/
%
What to say to girls

Her - “Hi I’m Debbie”
Me- “Hi, I’m Dave but you can call me Dick.”
Her- “Well, how do you get dick from Dave?”
Me- “You ask me nicely.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fimoxh/what_to_say_to_girls/
%
I asked the worker at Wal-Mart where I could find the nuts.

She said, "They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fimllg/i_asked_the_worker_at_walmart_where_i_could_find/
%
They say today is Pi Day

but for me it will always be cake day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fimim8/they_say_today_is_pi_day/
%
Did you know that infertility is hereditary?

If your parents don’t have kids then chances are you won’t either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fimhhl/did_you_know_that_infertility_is_hereditary/
%
Just because I like maths doesn't mean I'm good at doing it

Same goes for women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fimcel/just_because_i_like_maths_doesnt_mean_im_good_at/
%
What do you call it when two people have Coronavirus?

Dos Sickies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fimaiq/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_people_have/
%
The Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch
was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into
town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no
hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering
the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed.
Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gen tly and placed them
neatly by her boots.
Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.
Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fim7za/the_cowboy/
%
Have you seen how excited Alaskans get about their hobbies?

They get very Inuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/filzis/have_you_seen_how_excited_alaskans_get_about/
%
R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/filv5j/r_kelly_in_the_news_againtested_positive_for_the/
%
You've heard of Friday the 13th...

But what about the next day?
Pi Day the 14th: Irrational Fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/filo4u/youve_heard_of_friday_the_13th/
%
Do NOT - I repeat, do NOT get COVID-19 now

Later this year they're gonna release COVID-20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/filiam/do_not_i_repeat_do_not_get_covid19_now/
%
The Texan in Kentucky

One day a man from Texas heard of the great hunting wilderness of Kentucky and decided to go on a nice hunting trip there. When he arrived he got one of the locals to guide him through the dense brush. After walking a little ways they see a squirrel scatter up into one of the trees and the Texan called out “What was That?!” The Kentucky man told him “Well that was a squirrel.” “A squirrel?!” The Texan objected harshly “Man that ain’t no squirrel, over in Texas we got these huge squirrels. I don’t want to shoot him he’s too little.” And so they continued on. A short while later and they see a raccoon scamper off through the bushes and the Texan pointed “What was that?!” The Kentucky man looked at him and goes “That was a raccoon.” “A raccoon?! That wasn’t no raccoon that thing was so tiny. Over in Texas we got these huuuuge raccoons. I don’t wanna shoot him he’s too little.” So they go deeper into the forest. A little while later and they see a deer standing between some trees. The Texan says “What is that?!” And the Kentucky man replies “that there’s a deer.” “A deer. BS that ain’t a deer that thing is so small. I don’t wanna shoot him he’s too little.” And the Kentucky man is getting pissed because the Texan keeps going on about how much bigger everything in Texas is. A little while later they stumble upon a tortoise by their feet and the Texan pointed “What is that?!” And the Kentucky man in his deep southern accent looked at he Texan dead in the eye and said “Dog Tick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fil0xq/the_texan_in_kentucky/
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I'm self quarantined in my house until further notice...

Sounds a lot better than I'm unemployed and not dating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fikxnv/im_self_quarantined_in_my_house_until_further/
%
A helicopter pilot is flying some passengers to Seattle airport when it hits a thick patch of fog

The pilot can't see his way to the airport but he does notice an office window is open on a skyscraper. He flies up to the window and shouts out "Where am I?" A man in the office shouts back "In a helicopter!" The pilot thanks the man and heads off. Within 5 minutes he has negotiated the fog and lands safely at the airport. The passengers are shocked by the pilot's skills. One asks him how he found his way to the airport. The pilot replied "It was easy. When I asked where we were the answer I received although technically correct was of no use whatsoever. I knew then that we were at the Microsoft help desk and it's easy to get to the airport from there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fikola/a_helicopter_pilot_is_flying_some_passengers_to/
%
My brother owns a bike company.

He has spent years building it from nothing and always looked down on me for wasting my life away making puns.
Out of sympathy, he offered me a job in public relations and says with the money I'd be making, I won't have to work after 40.
I told him no thanks.  I know the spokesperson never retires.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fik7vy/my_brother_owns_a_bike_company/
%
I keep getting Tony Hawk and Steven Hawking confused.

I mean, they both liked ramps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fik0aq/i_keep_getting_tony_hawk_and_steven_hawking/
%
I went to the Doc last week.

I told him that nobody would listen to me and that it caused a great suffering in me.
All he could say is: alright then, next one please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fijoe4/i_went_to_the_doc_last_week/
%
Two ladies go to the Caribbean on holiday

They meet a young muscular guy at the hotel bar.
After a week of adventurous sex they ask the young man for his name.
He replies I'm called Snow
The ladies start laughing and say, our husbands will never believe us when we tell them we had 10 inches of Snow in the Caribbean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fijkhj/two_ladies_go_to_the_caribbean_on_holiday/
%
Wouldn’t it be ironic if Trump was brought down

By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fijiqk/wouldnt_it_be_ironic_if_trump_was_brought_down/
%
They say for 80% of people who get it, it’ll just feel like a common cold.

So the woman should be fine but it’ll take out most of the men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fijg5y/they_say_for_80_of_people_who_get_it_itll_just/
%
North Korea Coronavirus Live Updates:

8:15 - 1
8:20 - 0
9:30 - 1
9:40 - 0
11:30 - 1
11:45 - 0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fij92i/north_korea_coronavirus_live_updates/
%
Why is it worse for trappers when they run out of toilet paper?

They have to wipe their butts with their bear hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fij8k5/why_is_it_worse_for_trappers_when_they_run_out_of/
%
reading the posts here in r/jokes i realised two things

/-  the 75% of you has problem grammer in english
/- the other 45% struggle with maths

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fij6hf/reading_the_posts_here_in_rjokes_i_realised_two/
%
A guy walks into a library...

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fij5dq/a_guy_walks_into_a_library/
%
why do people hate reposts on r/jokes

because they already reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fij4is/why_do_people_hate_reposts_on_rjokes/
%
teslas dont have that new car smell.

They come with that Elon Musk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiiz9u/teslas_dont_have_that_new_car_smell/
%
An almost blind guy walked into Lover's Lane to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $500 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit.

But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiix3v/an_almost_blind_guy_walked_into_lovers_lane_to/
%
What is the most groundbreaking invention of all time?

The shovel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiioub/what_is_the_most_groundbreaking_invention_of_all/
%
As much as I liked that rectal fever thermometer app on the iPhone...

... on the iPad it's a fucking pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiikqj/as_much_as_i_liked_that_rectal_fever_thermometer/
%
Key lime pie is Barbados costs $3.14 Pecan pie in Jamaica costs $1.59.

Those are the Pi Rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiidl6/key_lime_pie_is_barbados_costs_314_pecan_pie_in/
%
My son is such a miserable cunt,

bought him a brand new trampoline and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fii8df/my_son_is_such_a_miserable_cunt/
%
Don't have sex with a blonde.

That would be fucking stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fii6dd/dont_have_sex_with_a_blonde/
%
A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fii23r/a_good_and_very_old_joke_to_explain_why_people/
%
My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?''

So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fihtny/my_wife_asked_me_why_dont_you_treat_me_like_you/
%
People gathered in masses

To buy paper for their asses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fihtnu/people_gathered_in_masses/
%
Does the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil set off a tornado in Texas?

I don’t know. But I know that a guy eating a pangolin in Wuhan, China can cause a toilet paper shortage in every single American mall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fihpb0/does_the_flap_of_a_butterflys_wings_in_brazil_set/
%
Condom Shopping

A man was in a long line at his local store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers.
He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, checkout 5.'
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, checkout 5.'
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers and he did she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said, 'Mop and bucket, checkout 5'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fihkhk/condom_shopping/
%
What language should you speak on Pi day?

Sine language!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fih2tg/what_language_should_you_speak_on_pi_day/
%
Paddy

died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/figxbc/paddy/
%
Whoever says Asian men have small dicks is wrong!

I knew this Vietnamese banker, and he had a lot of dong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/figqnr/whoever_says_asian_men_have_small_dicks_is_wrong/
%
What's the difference between a cake and a pie?

πr²,cakes are round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/figpzd/whats_the_difference_between_a_cake_and_a_pie/
%
I brought my lady friend some toilet paper yesterday.

It's clear she finally found her Prince Charmin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fig6hs/i_brought_my_lady_friend_some_toilet_paper/
%
Why would Vlad the Impaler not have been a good Redditor?

He created too many shit posts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fifsj5/why_would_vlad_the_impaler_not_have_been_a_good/
%
Elon Musk announces he will visit ISS till Covid-19 stabilises.

And nobody even assumed this is a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fifqga/elon_musk_announces_he_will_visit_iss_till/
%
Most reddit users will be safe from Coronavirus.

Heath authorities say it spreads from human contact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fifjj7/most_reddit_users_will_be_safe_from_coronavirus/
%
What do you get when you eat 3.14 silces of cake?

A pie!
What?,did you really think I was gonna make a diabetes joke on my cake day?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fifbp9/what_do_you_get_when_you_eat_314_silces_of_cake/
%
Hand Washing Lyrics

**Neil Diamond:** Hands...
**NHS:** Yep, wash them for 20 seconds
**Neil Diamond**: Touching hands..
**NHS:** No, don't do that
**Neil Diamond:** Reaching out..
**NHS:** Errrr, avoid that too
**Neil Diamond:** Touching me..
**NHS:** Oh no
### **Neil Diamond:** TOUCHING YOUUUU!!!
^(this joke was brought you by the Department of Understated British Humour)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiexyb/hand_washing_lyrics/
%
A blind man walked into a bar

Then a stool.
Then a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fieqm0/a_blind_man_walked_into_a_bar/
%
The bet

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said,  "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."  The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."  Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.  The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too;  but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fieopf/the_bet/
%
Why couldn’t the 11 year old get into the pirate movie?

It was rated ARRR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fielwp/why_couldnt_the_11_year_old_get_into_the_pirate/
%
What do you call a pre op transgender

A translater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fieg1e/what_do_you_call_a_pre_op_transgender/
%
How do I feel about people hoarding toilet paper? Well on the the one hand

I have shit because I couldn’t buy toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiebk5/how_do_i_feel_about_people_hoarding_toilet_paper/
%
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage.

The sign said it was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fieax3/i_went_to_the_zoo_and_saw_a_piece_of_toast_in_a/
%
Three girls walk into a bar

looking for a job.  They hand their resumes to the hiring manager.  The manager says "As much as I would like to hire all of you, I only have room for one of you.  Since your resumes are so similar when it comes to work experience, I will hire the girl that best responds to the following hypothetical situation;  As a customer gets up to leave, you see that he has dropped a dollar.  What do you do?"  The first girl says "The dollar clearly belongs to the man who dropped it, so I would give it back to him."  The second girl says "I'm a team player, so I would put the dollar in the tip jar for all of the employees to share."  The third girl says "I am here to make money, so I would put the dollar in my pocket."  The manager takes time to consider all of the responses and finally makes a decision. Who got the job?
The girl with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fieat5/three_girls_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Who knew that water gave good bootlegging advice

In case you die, hide your gin money outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fie6fy/who_knew_that_water_gave_good_bootlegging_advice/
%
Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they made the toys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fie41o/why_dont_chinese_kids_believe_in_santa_claus/
%
Why are some people buying so much toilet paper?

Because they’re huge assholes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fie3g6/why_are_some_people_buying_so_much_toilet_paper/
%
What do you call those people who hang out with musicians?

Drummers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fie38i/what_do_you_call_those_people_who_hang_out_with/
%
What do Japanese cannibals eat when they have no fire?

Rawmen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fidufq/what_do_japanese_cannibals_eat_when_they_have_no/
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Everyone seems to be making jokes about pi, radius, and diameters today

Honestly sounds like a big circle jerk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fidni1/everyone_seems_to_be_making_jokes_about_pi_radius/
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How the times have changed

2019: can you show us your CV?
2020: can you show us you don't have CV?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fidmo4/how_the_times_have_changed/
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Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fidka4/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
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“Grandpa,tell me a bedtime story.”

“Have you ever heard of the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fidjh0/grandpatell_me_a_bedtime_story/
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A warrior’s brother was killed

“By my sword, I shall have vengeance!”, says the warrior.
“And my bow.” Added the elf.
“And my axe.” Added the dwarf.
“And your dead brother.” Added the necromancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fidg11/a_warriors_brother_was_killed/
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My dad is like my Xbox friend

He fucked my mom and was last seen 8 years ago...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fidfo5/my_dad_is_like_my_xbox_friend/
%
Two businessmen meet up. One says to the other, "So sorry to hear about the warehouse fire."

He replies, "Shush! That's tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fid74w/two_businessmen_meet_up_one_says_to_the_other_so/
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What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?

One goes *ba dum tss*, the other is *da bum kiss*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fid3b1/whats_the_difference_between_a_rimshot_and_a/
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A guy and girl go back to her place to hook up. As he goes to drop his pants, he tells her, "I just wanna let you know I'm hung like a baby...". To which she starts to quickly reply, "It's ok, I've been with someone sma....", and she stops abruptly as he drops his pants.

"What the hell?!", she said.
He said, "I tried to tell you, I'm hung like a baby. 7 lbs, 19 inches!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ficwk1/a_guy_and_girl_go_back_to_her_place_to_hook_up_as/
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What do you call a trans person that doesnt want to do something right now?

A translater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ficvgn/what_do_you_call_a_trans_person_that_doesnt_want/
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Staring at boobs is like staring at the sun...

Stare too long and you’ll have trouble, bring sunglasses and you get a lot more time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ficv3s/staring_at_boobs_is_like_staring_at_the_sun/
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What do you call a drummer who can’t play in time?

A Russian dragon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ficsyc/what_do_you_call_a_drummer_who_cant_play_in_time/
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Coronavirus

This thing is getting crazy, I just got two round trip tickets to see my family. And a trip to mexico, all for the price of the coins I found between my sofa cushions. It really just goes to show you that whatever you want in life, China will always make it cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ficnj6/coronavirus/
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Honestly, I kinda sympathize with Americans who are hoarding toilet paper right now

Giant assholes need to wipe more than other people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ficft7/honestly_i_kinda_sympathize_with_americans_who/
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Harry, Ron, Fred and George started a boy band together called...

Wand Erection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ficfh3/harry_ron_fred_and_george_started_a_boy_band/
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Scientists: The coronavirus has reverse DNA.

Coronavirus: AND?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ficdc9/scientists_the_coronavirus_has_reverse_dna/
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Fortnite is like school ...

you get out of the bus then the quiet kid who lives in their basement kills everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fic9xa/fortnite_is_like_school/
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What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.
What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?
^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fic6mu/what_do_you_get_when_you_eat_314_slices_of_cake/
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An alien’s report to finding a planet with 7.5 billion dead.

“They’re all dead but their assess are spotless, sir.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fic59c/an_aliens_report_to_finding_a_planet_with_75/
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Life pro tip: Be a dick to neighborhood kids

They’ll tp your house, then you’ll have toilet paper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fic1a3/life_pro_tip_be_a_dick_to_neighborhood_kids/
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My wife asked for something that went from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds

I bought her a scale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fic0no/my_wife_asked_for_something_that_went_from_0_to/
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In a year, we're all going to remember this pandemic and laugh about it...

...at least the ones left...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fic01x/in_a_year_were_all_going_to_remember_this/
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Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.

He's used the same napkin since 1974.
He just scares the shit out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fibxej/chuck_norris_doesnt_hoard_toilet_paper/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalotapus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fibtag/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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My wife and I are home quarantined for two weeks. Fortunately, we hoarded lots of toilet paper.

Time for some roll playing games.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fibq58/my_wife_and_i_are_home_quarantined_for_two_weeks/
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Someone who needs to buy all the toilet paper is probably. . .

. . . a giant asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiboa9/someone_who_needs_to_buy_all_the_toilet_paper_is/
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My wife said:

"Do you wanna bone, honey?"
I said "sure!"
Then I realized she was talking to the dog.
(True story.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fibo44/my_wife_said/
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People hoarding Toilet Paper

Are full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fibmha/people_hoarding_toilet_paper/
%
Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza.
So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfecting my “authentic” ramen recipe.
Sure enough, there’s an even longer line there, only two packets per person. And there’s literally a whole aisle of shelves that’s just instant ramen, plastic wrap from the boxes is on the floor, and the person picking out their two packs is being very indecisive... there is a decent sized group waiting, so I head to the cleaning products aisle.
This is where it gets crazy. One store employee is tearing open bulk bags of toilet paper, giving one roll to each customer. And there is another employee putting Clorox wipes in baggies, 5 for a dollar. The aisle is packed, shopping carts clacking together. So I decide to just go get some Koolaid or fruit punch or whatever.
There is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fibk35/work_got_cancelled_for_two_weeks_so_i_go_to_the/
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State Fair

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week!.........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fibjiq/state_fair/
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Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fibhbf/never_date_a_tennis_player/
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What did the young Taliban member say to the old Taliban member?

Ok Boomer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fibgnc/what_did_the_young_taliban_member_say_to_the_old/
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The solution to the toilet paper shortage is the same as the solution to a crossword puzzle.

One square at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fibeez/the_solution_to_the_toilet_paper_shortage_is_the/
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Where does virgin wool come from?

Ugly sheep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fibcku/where_does_virgin_wool_come_from/
%
The Italian government has imposed strict curfews.

Absolutely no Roman the streets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fibbh3/the_italian_government_has_imposed_strict_curfews/
%
What does Donald Trump and a turtle on a post have in common?

1. You know he didn’t get there by himself.
2. He doesn’t belong up there.
3. He doesn’t have any idea what to do now that he’s there.
4. You wonder who could’ve thought it was a good idea in the first place.
5. He’s elevated beyond his ability to function.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fib58m/what_does_donald_trump_and_a_turtle_on_a_post/
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The reason Trump didn't declare a national emergency last week...

...is because he was spending his time learning two very big words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiavrd/the_reason_trump_didnt_declare_a_national/
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Who knew? Ireland was the world's wealthiest nation.

Well, their capital is always Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiarkf/who_knew_ireland_was_the_worlds_wealthiest_nation/
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THE FLOOD

This one of my all time favorites... can’t remember where I heard it.
There was a religious man who lived by a river. One day a sheriffs deputy came by and said to him, “There’s a flood coming. You want to get to higher ground.” The man replied, “Thank you officer, but I trust in the Lord. HE will save me.”
The river began to rise and soon the man’s house was surrounded by water. A couple of firemen in a boat rowed up to the house and said, “Get in we’ll take you to safety!” The man called to them, “Thanks for coming out here. I’m trusting in the Lord. He will save me.”
Not long after that the water came up to the roof of the house. As the man sat on his roof, a helicopter flew over and a national guardsman called over a speaker, “We’ll throw down a line and save you!” “Thank You!” the man yelled back, “But I trust in the Lord, he will save me!”
As the helicopter flew away, the house collapsed and the man drowned.
The man entered the Gates of Heaven and stood before the Lord. “Lord” he said, “I trusted in you to save me and you let me down! How could you do that?”
The Lord looked down, smiled, shook his head and said “I sent the police, a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiajw5/the_flood/
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What happens after you die?

Heaven...for everyone on earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiafif/what_happens_after_you_die/
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

NEIN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fiacik/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Today’s drink special: the Quarantini

It’s just a regular martini except you drink it alone. In your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fia63a/todays_drink_special_the_quarantini/
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What did the rock-eating scientist say when he wasn’t hungry?

I’ve lost my apatite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi9yyk/what_did_the_rockeating_scientist_say_when_he/
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You know that stack of fast-food napkins in your glove box?

Now it's their time to shine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi9ttn/you_know_that_stack_of_fastfood_napkins_in_your/
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I had a job interview at a blacksmiths today

He asked me if I had ever shoed a horse before, i said 'no but i once told a donkey to fuck off'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi9obz/i_had_a_job_interview_at_a_blacksmiths_today/
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I searched a list of 10 puns to make me laugh.

No pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi9nk6/i_searched_a_list_of_10_puns_to_make_me_laugh/
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I'm calling in sick tomorrow for blunt force trauma,

After taking too many hits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi9ly7/im_calling_in_sick_tomorrow_for_blunt_force_trauma/
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Mommy mommy I wanna grow up to be a conspiracy theorist!

Prove it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi9e4g/mommy_mommy_i_wanna_grow_up_to_be_a_conspiracy/
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A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.

Never knew he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi96uu/a_barber_in_my_town_was_arrested_for_illegal_drug/
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If you take the panic out of pandemic all you have left is dem

Dem people stealing all of your toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi93kn/if_you_take_the_panic_out_of_pandemic_all_you/
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You guys know why Disneyland closed?

It was because of Sneezy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi8qj3/you_guys_know_why_disneyland_closed/
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Johnny's little secret

One day Johnny's mom walks in on him while he was making out with his girlfriend.
Johnny was embarrassed and didn't want his family to find out he had his first girlfriend.
But his mom smiled and said, "don't worry Johnny I won't tell your father this will be our little secret."
The next day Johnny sat down to breakfast with the family with his father noticed a hickey on his neck and  said "Son where'd that hickey on your neck come from
Johnny answered, "That is me and mom's little secret."
The rest of the breakfast was very quiet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi8pk5/johnnys_little_secret/
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I’ve only ever driven a hearse

I wouldn’t be caught dead in anything else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi8pf8/ive_only_ever_driven_a_hearse/
%
What do you call a hippie's wife ?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi8f7x/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi8dkb/people_always_ask_where_i_got_my_incredibly/
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Everyone’s heard The Rolling Stones song that says “Hey, you, get off of my cloud”

Less well known is the Irish version, that goes “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi89n0/everyones_heard_the_rolling_stones_song_that_says/
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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly.

Looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.
What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fly. The bear is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly and I'm gonna go in then get that fish I'm gonna have myself a really nice meal.
What the bear didn't realize was that there was a hunter eating a sandwich watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. The hunter is sitting there, looking at that fly and he's like you know what, that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, that bear gets that fish, I'm put the sandwich down and get my gun and shoot that bear and have myself a really nice meal.
What the hunter didn't realize was that there was a mouse watching the sandwich in the hunters hand watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. The mouse is looking at the fly and is thinking you know what: that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter drops his sandwich and shoots the bear, I'm gonna jump on that sandwich, and I'm gonna have myself a really nice meal.
What the mouse didn't realize was that there was a cat watching the mouse, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. That cat sitting there looking at that fly and it's like you know what: that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter drops his sandwich, he shoots the bear, the mouse gets the sandwich, I'm gonna get that mouse and I'm gonna have a really nice meal.
And then, all of a sudden happened. The fly drops six inches, the fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter threw down his sandwich and shot the bear, the mouse jumped on the sandwich but then it all went wrong…
The cat went to jump on the mouse and missed and landed in the river, got completely soaked. And I think that's something to be said for or something in life. No matter where you are what you are what you're doing. When a fly drops six inches a pussy is gonna get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi84ob/theres_a_forest_and_in_this_forest_is_a_river_and/
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All it takes is a mixup in the UN...

and unclear quickly becomes nuclear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi7wdp/all_it_takes_is_a_mixup_in_the_un/
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The president of Mexico just called Trump on the phone...

Yesterday the president of Mexico called Trump on the phone.  They want the walll built, right now.   They are even willing to pay for it,   with toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi7l9l/the_president_of_mexico_just_called_trump_on_the/
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15 Things To Do At Walmart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "
There is no toilet paper in here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi7ku7/15_things_to_do_at_walmart/
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The wage gap isn’t real

Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi7jdr/the_wage_gap_isnt_real/
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I was once with a friend who saw a gecko in the wild and proceeded to take more than 300 pictures of it.

Sadly, the doctor later told him that he had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi7h3b/i_was_once_with_a_friend_who_saw_a_gecko_in_the/
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What do you call 2 lesbians fighting over a woman?

Trench warfare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi7at7/what_do_you_call_2_lesbians_fighting_over_a_woman/
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I went to a disco the other night. They played the twist, I did the twist. They played jump, I jumped...

Then they played “Come On Eileen”... I got kicked out after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi6yph/i_went_to_a_disco_the_other_night_they_played_the/
%
When two metalheads marry

It's called a welding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi6fss/when_two_metalheads_marry/
%
To everyone buying up tons of toilet paper:

You should get a bidet. It'd be right up your alley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi6fn0/to_everyone_buying_up_tons_of_toilet_paper/
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A cowboy challenges an renowned native american warrior to a bear hunt ..

The native guy accepts, so they pack up their tools. The cowboy takes 5 revolvers, 2 rifles and a bunch of knifes just in case. The native?  Only one bow and just TWO arrows.
The cowboy is perplexed and has to ask:
Cowboy: "Are you sure 2 arrows are all you need?"
Native american: "yup"
Cowboy: "confident and big balls, I like it. But why 2, though? Spare in case you miss?"
Native American: "sometimes there are 2 bears".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi60vz/a_cowboy_challenges_an_renowned_native_american/
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Worried about toilet paper shortage?

Don't worry. You don't have food -  you don't need toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi5rt4/worried_about_toilet_paper_shortage/
%
People with glasses are elegidly smart

But they can't even pass an eye exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi5o3m/people_with_glasses_are_elegidly_smart/
%
I like my women the way I like my coffee.

Neither sexually, romantically, or in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi5ka6/i_like_my_women_the_way_i_like_my_coffee/
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Why is a flower like the letter A

Because a bee goes after it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi5gju/why_is_a_flower_like_the_letter_a/
%
They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away,

but I can't afford to keep buying the bastard iPhones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi5giy/they_say_an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away/
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The toilet paper issue reminds me of a joke

When the white man first arrived to North America and set up camp, they weren't sure what to expect for their first winter. So, one man decided to chop a bunch of wood so it would be handy.
After befriending some nearby natives, he asked how cold the winters got. The native said, "Its going to be a cold one". After hearing this, and not wanting to be unprepared, he goes back and chops more wood.
The next day he runs into a native hunter. They chat and the white man mentions that the winter would be cold. the hunter said, "yes, very cold. I don't think I remember a winter as cold as this one". The white man realized he misunderstood the first native and really felt unprepared. So he goes home and chops wood all night. He now has a huge pile and he Hope's it will be enough.
He later visits the village and can tell the people are clearly distressed. He finds the chief and asks what's wrong and the chief says, "very bad winter coming. very cold, lots of snow, not sure how we will survive, worst we've ever seen".
The man was shocked and asks, "how do you know it will be so bad?
the chief says "because white man chop so much wood"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi5agn/the_toilet_paper_issue_reminds_me_of_a_joke/
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So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus

Apparently there is time to die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi59ia/so_the_james_bond_release_has_been_suspended_due/
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The urge to sing a lion sleeps tonight is just a whim away

A whim away
a whimaway
awhimaway
awhimaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi54kn/the_urge_to_sing_a_lion_sleeps_tonight_is_just_a/
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If Coronavirus can't take you out....

can I?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi50zc/if_coronavirus_cant_take_you_out/
%
For my next car, I’m thinking of importing a Honda directly from Japan and pay the necessary tariffs.

It will be my Civic duty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi4wv9/for_my_next_car_im_thinking_of_importing_a_honda/
%
Why do basketball players love cookies?

Because they can dunk them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi4qrl/why_do_basketball_players_love_cookies/
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They should ban all animal related subreddits

They're aww-full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi4gmf/they_should_ban_all_animal_related_subreddits/
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What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?

One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi4avq/what_is_the_difference_between_a_clever_midget/
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What's the difference between Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg?

One's a human trying to conquer Mars and the other is an alien trying to conquer Earth.
Note: This joke isn't mine, I heard it somewhere but I forgot where, if it's already been posted send me the link and I'll remove it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi46w6/whats_the_difference_between_elon_musk_and_mark/
%
Bob the builder isn't fat

He's just well built

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi45t3/bob_the_builder_isnt_fat/
%
Whats a kidnappers favorite shoes?

White Vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi44di/whats_a_kidnappers_favorite_shoes/
%
If you think that Corona beer causes Coronavirus then...

You probably think that the leader of the World Health Organization is Dr Who.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi4475/if_you_think_that_corona_beer_causes_coronavirus/
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What do you call it when an unvaccinated 2 year old starts crying?

A midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi43r0/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_unvaccinated_2_year/
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What do you call babies born 9 months from now?

Coronials.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi3wb9/what_do_you_call_babies_born_9_months_from_now/
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I turned in my programming assignment

Which came out to say "Hello world!". I received a C+. I walked up to my professor and said, "Actually, this is C++".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi3nc6/i_turned_in_my_programming_assignment/
%
I'm beginning to suspect my cat is secretly a Chinese communist.

All she ever talks about is Mao.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi3jyg/im_beginning_to_suspect_my_cat_is_secretly_a/
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Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They looked at the reviews... Only 1 star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi3dv7/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system_yet/
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A monk and a young girl were traveling through the desert.

At some point their camel died so the monk said that, because they were born into this world naked, they should die naked.
So they strip and the girl points to the man's penis and asks: "What is that?" "Well" says the monk "If I put that in you it will create life!" "Well, what are you waiting for? Put it in the camel and lets go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi2t4v/a_monk_and_a_young_girl_were_traveling_through/
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Tom Hanks and his wife Rita have tested positive for COVID-19.

It's not the first time he's been in isolation with a Wilson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi2k4o/tom_hanks_and_his_wife_rita_have_tested_positive/
%
Many vegetables live above ground. Not onions though.

Onions have lairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi2hwr/many_vegetables_live_above_ground_not_onions/
%
History's biggest irony is that the Russian alphabet has no lowercase letters

It's all Capitalization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi2gv7/historys_biggest_irony_is_that_the_russian/
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IT people would make the worst at couples counseling

"Have you tried turning it on and off again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi2fv5/it_people_would_make_the_worst_at_couples/
%
My girlfriend just cheated on me...

Lets hope my other two are loyal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi21zn/my_girlfriend_just_cheated_on_me/
%
What do you call someone who mastrubates on plane?

A High Jacker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi1zk6/what_do_you_call_someone_who_mastrubates_on_plane/
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I am not worried about getting sick. I wash my hands religiously.

Every Christmas and Easter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi1f0z/i_am_not_worried_about_getting_sick_i_wash_my/
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To all those waiting for the results of their COVID-19 test

Dont worry.  Think positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi1673/to_all_those_waiting_for_the_results_of_their/
%
Heard police caught a guy trying to steal all the head statues at the museum

Apparently he got busted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi0wbs/heard_police_caught_a_guy_trying_to_steal_all_the/
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Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi0oqi/chuck_norris_has_been_confirmed_to_be_exposed_to/
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My date was going really well until I noticed a large communist symbol on her wall

It was a big red flag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi04u3/my_date_was_going_really_well_until_i_noticed_a/
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A friend of mine confessed his fetish for Flying type pokemon

It was really hard to swellow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fi01u0/a_friend_of_mine_confessed_his_fetish_for_flying/
%
I left my job today. I couldn't continue working there after what they said to me

"what did they say?"
You're fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhztjl/i_left_my_job_today_i_couldnt_continue_working/
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What do you call a detective that sucks at multitasking?

Threadlock Holmes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhzq94/what_do_you_call_a_detective_that_sucks_at/
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I just realized that the Black Pearl was undermanned...

It was operating with a skeleton crew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhznq8/i_just_realized_that_the_black_pearl_was/
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God and the animals

God is handing out characteristics to all of the animals, and he's getting close to the end of the list. All the animals have picked except the lions, the beavers, and the pigs. God looks up from the list and says "Who wants courage?" One of the pigs says to another, "Ooh, we should get that!" the other one says, "Naw, who wants to be courageous? You have to strut around, humans will start hunting you, it's a huge pain. Let's wait." The lions speak up and take the courage.
"Next up, industrious! Who wants to be known for being industrious?" The pig says, "Hey, we could definitely be that. Make stuff, stay busy, it sounds good!" The other pig says, "Are you crazy? Get up at dawn, work all day, who wants that? I'm sure God saved the best for last." The beavers pipe up and take industriousness, so God goes back to his list. "Let's see, claws are taken, flight went to the birds, the cheetah got speed . . . Okay, here we go. Who wants to be delicious?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhzg85/god_and_the_animals/
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Everyone at John Lennon airport have been quarantined

Imagine...all the people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhzcag/everyone_at_john_lennon_airport_have_been/
%
When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies.

But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhz9d3/when_women_wear_bikinis_they_expose_about_96_of/
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Suicide is never the answer

It is the question and the answer is yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhz68u/suicide_is_never_the_answer/
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Filed an official complaint to McAfee today...

Their Antiviral package doesn't include Coronavirus. I want a refund.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhz2bg/filed_an_official_complaint_to_mcafee_today/
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhz1fd/why_did_the_cow_cross_the_road/
%
TIFU my IT job interview when I was asked to give an example of role-based security.

Apparently, six ply toilet paper was not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhz04a/tifu_my_it_job_interview_when_i_was_asked_to_give/
%
The sun is beating down and the.....

It's a slow day in a rural New Zealand Town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit:
On this particular day a rich tourist is driving through town, stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
He gives him keys to a few rooms and as soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the $100 bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the
butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the local pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the motel owner with the $100 ..
The motel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhyxo3/the_sun_is_beating_down_and_the/
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I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus.

So I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhyw2y/i_went_to_cvs_to_get_toilet_paper_and_they_ran/
%
What’s a survivalists favourite soft drink?

Dr. Prepper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhyu6u/whats_a_survivalists_favourite_soft_drink/
%
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car ?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhyt46/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
If you see a balloon on the street, pop it.

We can't let him get any more DNA bubbles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhyqm0/if_you_see_a_balloon_on_the_street_pop_it/
%
A Spanish magician said he would disappear on the count of 3

“Uno”
“Dos”
And poof! He disappeared without a “tres”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhyp3q/a_spanish_magician_said_he_would_disappear_on_the/
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An Anti-Vaxer goes to the afterlife...

An Anti-Vaxer goes and arrives at the gates of heaven. Upon meeting God, she asks him a question.
"Do vaccines really work?"
God replied simply with, "Yes."
The Anti-Vaxer mumbled to herself, "The lies do spread that far..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhymtq/an_antivaxer_goes_to_the_afterlife/
%
Sex jokes aren't funny.

I mean cum on people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhyjvz/sex_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Someone told me that before you criticise someone walk a mile in their shoes...

And now I'm a mile away, my feet hurt because I've been walking in shoes that are too small for me, I have to try and get my own shoes back and I can't even criticise them because everyone thinks I'm just some weirdo that steals shoes.
Last time I'm doing that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhyjaw/someone_told_me_that_before_you_criticise_someone/
%
My police department made all their homicide detectives enter a two-week quarantine.

>!They had coroner-virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhycgq/my_police_department_made_all_their_homicide/
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Reading the wall at the urinal...

"Why are you reading this? The joke is in your hand."
I thought, yep. Mine's a real kneeslapper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhybxx/reading_the_wall_at_the_urinal/
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Dressing Up

A Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit a suicide," she says.
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job."
So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?".
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhybux/dressing_up/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for fresh prints!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhy1na/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wriggle when you eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhy08k/what_do_girls_and_noodles_have_in_common/
%
I just saw a woman leaving the supermarket with a lot of booze and toilet paper

She's gonna laugh the shit out of her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhxxrf/i_just_saw_a_woman_leaving_the_supermarket_with_a/
%
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhxwyr/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_palm/
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The German Shepherd from next door keeps shitting on my lawn

This morning he even brought his dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhxswh/the_german_shepherd_from_next_door_keeps_shitting/
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Hey, is your name Coronavirus?

Cuz you take my breath away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhxsw3/hey_is_your_name_coronavirus/
%
My mother’s star sign was Cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhxs5z/my_mothers_star_sign_was_cancer_so_its_pretty/
%
Coffee

When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.
Really? I have the exact opposite.
Wow, seriously?
Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhxp1h/coffee/
%
A police officer Vs A Bull

An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhxjz5/a_police_officer_vs_a_bull/
%
How do mathematicians scold their children?

If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhx6n5/how_do_mathematicians_scold_their_children/
%
Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:

8:00: 1
8:10: 0
9:23: 1
9:28: 0
0:13: 1
0:20 0
1:47: 1
1:55: 0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhx46w/coronavirus_cases_in_north_korea_update/
%
Talk to your kids.

Taking to your kids about what is going on is very important, so I had a talk with mine about the coronavirus.
Dad: Have you heard about the coronavirus?
Child: Yeah, I have, but I'm not contagious.
Dad: Do you know what that means?
Child: Of course I do.
Dad: Explain it to me then.
Child: See that postman with the bag full of letters? Well, it's going to take that contagious to deliver them all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhx1ah/talk_to_your_kids/
%
Sometimes I tell yo mama jokes.

Sometimes she laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhwwpt/sometimes_i_tell_yo_mama_jokes/
%
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhwt7h/as_a_responsible_employer_all_my_staff_are_in_a_2/
%
In Wallmart was horrified to find they had no toilet paper at all.

Reluctantly I headed to the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm NO was the answer.
Walking back to the toilets with my pants and trousers by my ankles was a walk of shame I can tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhwl83/in_wallmart_was_horrified_to_find_they_had_no/
%
I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

and Michael had a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhwj6s/ive_dated_a_twin_once_people_always_asked_me_how/
%
Why is it called hemorrhoids?

Because asteroids was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhwiwa/why_is_it_called_hemorrhoids/
%
A couple were going out for the evening

They'd gotten ready, all dolled up. They dog had to be put outside since they didn't like leaving him alone inside. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not crap in the vegetable garden again either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhwfzw/a_couple_were_going_out_for_the_evening/
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Im a big homeophobe

I like small apartments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhw5yc/im_a_big_homeophobe/
%
Into a nightclub

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...
The doorman stops them and says “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhvvgj/into_a_nightclub/
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All numbers are equal

Long ago in the Kingdom of Natural Numbers, there used to be slaves. The citizens appreciated the number 2 so much, to a point that they would determine one's social class by his/her divisibility by 2. And those not divisible by 2 - sorry, then they're slaves.
7 was born an odd number. That's how he became a slave. And today when his master humiliated him again, is the last straw. He said to himself, "This isn't how things should be. I swear I am going to change this."
The next day, he escaped from his master's house, and fled to the central square of the city. His master of course called the guards to get him, and 7 was outnumbered, with literally millions and trillions surrounding him.
"EVERYONE, LISTEN TO ME," 7 shouted, "FOR WHAT I AM GOING TO SAY IS THE ONLY TRUTH!
"No one should be born to be enslaved! We are all numbers, and all numbers should be equal, even odd numbers!"
The moment he said it, magic happened, because what he said was indeed true.
Let N be the set of all natural numbers. E be the set of all even numbers. O be the set of all odd numbers.
Then, N = E + O
Therefore all numbers are equal even odd numbers. And that's how 7 single handedly ended the long lasting slavery in one day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhvuic/all_numbers_are_equal/
%
Back in my day...

There was so much toilet paper that people would string it up in the trees of their enemies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhvrrz/back_in_my_day/
%
I just overslept and missed my first statistics class.

What are the chances of that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhvke2/i_just_overslept_and_missed_my_first_statistics/
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BREAKING: The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhvck5/breaking_the_world_health_organization_has/
%
I like my women how I like my covid

19 and easily spread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhva77/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_covid/
%
You get a letter from the Queen for your 100th birthday, what do you get for your 16th?

A text message from Prince Andrew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhv62v/you_get_a_letter_from_the_queen_for_your_100th/
%
The other day I downloaded the maps of Wales, England, Scotland and Northern Ireland for an assignment...

was shocked to see that the total file size was 1GB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhuak8/the_other_day_i_downloaded_the_maps_of_wales/
%
Man shot 200 times times with upholstery gun

Surgeons reveal he's now fully recovered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhu840/man_shot_200_times_times_with_upholstery_gun/
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A guy goes into a record shop

and says "do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"
Store guy: "yeah only this second hand vinyl, should be perfect though."
Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "sorry mate this record is no good.  It's just 45 minutes of buzzing, it's complete crap. "
Store guy: "  Yeah that's the B side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhu6tu/a_guy_goes_into_a_record_shop/
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My Mexican father was ranting today that because our city has banned gatherings of more than 100 people due to the Coronavirus

We have to take two cars to go out to dinner as a family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhu1n0/my_mexican_father_was_ranting_today_that_because/
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So Pornhub is offering free premium membership in Italy because of the coronavirus.

Glad to see someone is willing to take a hands on approach to the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhtx8s/so_pornhub_is_offering_free_premium_membership_in/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhtugs/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
Life on Earth is pretty stressful.

We are all under a lot of pressure atm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhte3u/life_on_earth_is_pretty_stressful/
%
A woman walks in on her husband cleaning his guns.

He greeted her with open arms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhtc6u/a_woman_walks_in_on_her_husband_cleaning_his_guns/
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Dad: Hey why is there a lion and a witch in your wardrobe?

Son: It’s Narnia business!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fht22g/dad_hey_why_is_there_a_lion_and_a_witch_in_your/
%
What’s something that often comes in a McDonald’s happy meal?

Me. It’s me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fht0ug/whats_something_that_often_comes_in_a_mcdonalds/
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A man with Coronavirus walks into a bar

The bartender says man you look like shit! The man says, yup they were out of toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhsz7o/a_man_with_coronavirus_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped prison?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhsz29/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_who_just/
%
Who is the god of the Indian Ocean?

Fishnu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhsohm/who_is_the_god_of_the_indian_ocean/
%
I went to the doctor's the other day and found out the new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous blonde babe

I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I am a professional - Just tell me what is wrong and I will check it out"
I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhsf7l/i_went_to_the_doctors_the_other_day_and_found_out/
%
With the rising toilet paper crisis

Does anyone know where to buy 3 premium seashells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhs4rd/with_the_rising_toilet_paper_crisis/
%
Im Sick and Tired of talking about the corona virus

I just want to stay positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhs090/im_sick_and_tired_of_talking_about_the_corona/
%
What should I do if my girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use some lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhrx22/what_should_i_do_if_my_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
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What are they going to call the baby boom 10-12 months after all these people lock themselves in to hide from Covid-19?

I don't know, but in 2033, they'll be quaranteens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhrug5/what_are_they_going_to_call_the_baby_boom_1012/
%
I often get asked what it's like to work as both a writer and a scammer...

I just say that it has its own Prose and Cons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhrmhx/i_often_get_asked_what_its_like_to_work_as_both_a/
%
The children gathered around their father

The first one asked "Why is my name poetry?"
"Because I went on a poetry website to recite a beautiful poem to your mother and then you were conceived"
The second one ask "Why is my name Amazon?"
"I went on that website to order a beautiful diamond ring for you mother. After she put it on, you were conceived"
The third one asked "What about -"
"QUIET PORNHUB!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhrkl3/the_children_gathered_around_their_father/
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What do you call three Mexicans illegally crossing the border?

_Tres_ passers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhrk6a/what_do_you_call_three_mexicans_illegally/
%
I got taken off a plane in handcuffs today.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhriyl/i_got_taken_off_a_plane_in_handcuffs_today/
%
How much toilet paper you have now determines your social status

How Charmin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhrfw4/how_much_toilet_paper_you_have_now_determines/
%
3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhr1ho/315pm_so_the_hockey_season_got_cancelled_in/
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Pornhub has announced they will be giving Italians under quarantine due to covid 19 free premium access

Talk about coming together when things get hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhqyz5/pornhub_has_announced_they_will_be_giving/
%
I’m a Chinese goose

Hong Kong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhqs2n/im_a_chinese_goose/
%
I stopped at the bank today and had them give me 500 fresh dollar bills.

Hey...It's cheaper than buying toilet paper...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhqmd5/i_stopped_at_the_bank_today_and_had_them_give_me/
%
Jokes about the coronavirus are everywhere right now

Looks like it’s gone viral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhqk74/jokes_about_the_coronavirus_are_everywhere_right/
%
What genre are national anthems?

Country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhqiv0/what_genre_are_national_anthems/
%
The only thing I hate more than my teachers flirting with me...

Is being homeschooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhqhaw/the_only_thing_i_hate_more_than_my_teachers/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican that moved to Siberia?

He was the only Juan in town

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhq1zi/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_that_moved_to/
%
Please don't make any more jokes about the Coronavirus...

My friend has it and it's serious.  He got it from a tick bite...
It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhpzmn/please_dont_make_any_more_jokes_about_the/
%
What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhps05/what_do_priests_say_to_get_rid_of_insects_in_the/
%
What is it called when Albert Einstein masturbates?

A stroke of genius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhpqzr/what_is_it_called_when_albert_einstein_masturbates/
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A man walks into a bar,

**he notices a very large jar on the counter,** **and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10.00 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.**
**He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"**
**"Well  ...  , you pay $10.00, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."**
**The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"**
**"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."**
**So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10.00 which he stuffs into the jar.**
**"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:**
**First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."**
**"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."**
**"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."**
**The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10.00 but, I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"**
**"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."**
**As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"**
**He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.** **Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!**
**Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!**
**Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.**
**He drunkenly asks, "Now, where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhpfp8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Dark humor is a bit like clean water

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhpfd3/dark_humor_is_a_bit_like_clean_water/
%
The NFL is considering having their teams play to empty stadiums and no fans.

The Lions have been preparing for this their whole lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhownh/the_nfl_is_considering_having_their_teams_play_to/
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Everyone is freaking out about Tom Hanks having the Corona virus.

I'm just happy that we finally know what Jenny had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhown5/everyone_is_freaking_out_about_tom_hanks_having/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

The porcupine has its prick on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhomit/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
%
Where does the terminator find toilet paper?

Answer: Aisle B, back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhog40/where_does_the_terminator_find_toilet_paper/
%
CDC: Mr. President, two Brazilian diplomats have tested positive for the coronavirus.

Trump: Holy shit! (pause) How many is a "brazilian"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fho9ka/cdc_mr_president_two_brazilian_diplomats_have/
%
If people are scared shitless by this Covid-19 thing

Why are they buying so much toilet paper?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fho5t2/if_people_are_scared_shitless_by_this_covid19/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an Oscar?

Because he was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fho0n8/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_oscar/
%
I have uncovered the human psychology behind all this toilet paper hoarding...

That’s just how we roll...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhnwiz/i_have_uncovered_the_human_psychology_behind_all/
%
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times new ramen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhnnvn/youve_heard_of_alphabet_soup_now_get_ready_for/
%
What do you call a cheese rapper?

Prov Malone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhnhvb/what_do_you_call_a_cheese_rapper/
%
Girl, are you the coronavirus?

Because I want to travel the world with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhnbz2/girl_are_you_the_coronavirus/
%
A Vegan, and Anti-Vaxxer and a Flat Earther walk into a bar

I know that because they told everyone 5 minutes after walking in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhn2kz/a_vegan_and_antivaxxer_and_a_flat_earther_walk/
%
If time traveling was common, what historic event would be a tourist magnet?

The birth of Jesus. All the hotels in the area would be fully booked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhmxq3/if_time_traveling_was_common_what_historic_event/
%
What do you call a blind facist?

A not-see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhmu4h/what_do_you_call_a_blind_facist/
%
Why is Spongebob the main character...

...when Patrick's the star?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhmrh4/why_is_spongebob_the_main_character/
%
I tried to catch fog yesterday

Mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhmoan/i_tried_to_catch_fog_yesterday/
%
How does Moses like his coffee

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhmmpa/how_does_moses_like_his_coffee/
%
Why does Santa Clause have such a big sack?

Cause he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhmj4o/why_does_santa_clause_have_such_a_big_sack/
%
I saw a news story that says there are 60,000 active cases of Coronavirus.

At least these infected people are exercising a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhminq/i_saw_a_news_story_that_says_there_are_60000/
%
To the person who stole my glasses.

I will find you. I have my contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhmfd4/to_the_person_who_stole_my_glasses/
%
What do you call a nun on a wheelchair??

**Virgin mobile**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhmeqn/what_do_you_call_a_nun_on_a_wheelchair/
%
When did you begin sneezing?

At 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhm58d/when_did_you_begin_sneezing/
%
A little old woman goes to the pharmacist...

...”my old man is having problems getting it up,” she says, “what are those new pills called?”
“Viagra”, says the pharmacist, “they’re brilliant; I take them myself”
“Can you get it over the counter”, she says
“Only if I take fucking four!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhm096/a_little_old_woman_goes_to_the_pharmacist/
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Corona virus is kinda like my jokes

Funny at first but people are starting to get concerned now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhm02a/corona_virus_is_kinda_like_my_jokes/
%
How do you make any bag of chips into a family size

Give it to an orphan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhlwmf/how_do_you_make_any_bag_of_chips_into_a_family/
%
What is a flat-earther’s greatest fear?

Sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhlv7c/what_is_a_flatearthers_greatest_fear/
%
Donald Trump has a virulent strain of Corona Virus

Covfefevid-19

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhlv42/donald_trump_has_a_virulent_strain_of_corona_virus/
%
How hungry?

A charity worker stopped me outside the supermarket today and said, "I'm collecting for the starving children."
"Oh right." I said, slipping a few coins into her tin, "There you go."
She smiled and said, "Thanks, but they were chocolate coins."
"I know." I replied, "Are those fucking kids hungry or not?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhlqw3/how_hungry/
%
I went to a really interesting lecture on kleptomania.

I took a lot from it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhlmhx/i_went_to_a_really_interesting_lecture_on/
%
I've been trying to understand all the toilet paper panic buying.

I think  I got it.
One guy coughs and a 100 people lose their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhlmeo/ive_been_trying_to_understand_all_the_toilet/
%
Little n stands next to big T and thinks “Oh no...”

“Im in the wrong part of Town.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhligj/little_n_stands_next_to_big_t_and_thinks_oh_no/
%
Judge to CEO "Why did you have sex with your employees in your office? It is a crime"

CEO: In my defense, it was Christmas time.
Judge: So?
CEO:They barged into my office, angry and frustrated, demandi....
Judge: Demanding what?
CEO: Bone us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhl81g/judge_to_ceo_why_did_you_have_sex_with_your/
%
I hate these double standards.

if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhl7rx/i_hate_these_double_standards/
%
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now *THIS*?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhkqo9/my_exgirlfriend_just_told_me_she_wants_us_to_get/
%
I tried this new exercise called the cow stance

And I pulled my calf..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhkoai/i_tried_this_new_exercise_called_the_cow_stance/
%
What is a lactose intolerant ativaxxer's worst nightmare?

Big Parma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhknr3/what_is_a_lactose_intolerant_ativaxxers_worst/
%
Good Ol' 563

A few years ago when I first got divorced, I decided to go to Vegas and wanted to have some fun. I went to a casino, went to the bar, and bought a drink before I did anything when I am approached by a beautiful woman.
She asked me if I liked to have fun and I said yes. She then told me she would give me a hand job for 500 dollars. I laughed and said "500 Dollars!? Why that much?" She then whipped out her cell phone and showed me a picture of a Lamborghini "You see this car? I paid for it by selling hand jobs." So I shrugged and said "What the hell, I need to live a little, I'll do it" so we go back to my hotel and she gives me the best hand job I have ever had.
She leaves and I pass out. The next night I go back to the same casino bar, and sure enough she's there again and I decide I wanted some more. I walk up to her and say "You were amazing last night, how much would it cost for a blow job?" She then smiles and says "1 grand." Again I'm a little bit set back by the price and I said "A grand? Is it that good?" She then whips out her phone and shows me a picture of a HUGE, luxurious house. She then says "See this house? I paid for it with blowjobs" so I said "Alright let's do it" so this time we go into her car and she decides to blow me in the parking lot, and its the best blowjob I have ever had.
We sit there and I'm blown away by this woman, so I ask her, "how much would it cost for some pussy?" She then laughs and points to the casino. "You see that casino?" I said "...yeah?" She says "If I had a pussy, I would own that casino."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhki49/good_ol_563/
%
Father of one of my children

A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather hot blond behind him has just smiled and said "Hello" to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be talking to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from.
So he says, "I'm sorry. Do you know me?"
She replies, "I may be mistaken but I think you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Holy crap!" he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and  stuck a cucumber up my behind?"
"No" she replies.
"I'm your son's teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhkfsm/father_of_one_of_my_children/
%
I Want A Divorce

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and
asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhk77k/i_want_a_divorce/
%
Trump goes to Japan...

One day Donald Trump goes to Japan for a diplomatic meeting.  On the night of his arrival, he decides to hire a young Japanese prostitute and take her back to his hotel.  The girl does not speak any English, but that doesn't stop things from getting hot 'n heavy in the Presidential Suite.  Their passion roars, when suddenly the girl shouts "Machigatta ana!"  Trump of course, thinking he's good at everything, assumes this must be Japanese for "You're good!"  So he keeps going harder and faster, while the girl keeps squealing and screaming "Machigatta ana!  Machigatta ana!"
The next day he meets his Japanese dignitaries, and they all decide to play a round of golf before getting down to business.  The VIP in Japan's entourage scores an amazing hole-in-one shot from 170 yards!  Trump decides this is the perfect moment to show off and convince the group that he is a genius at Japanese, and proceeds to congratulate the dignitary.  "Machigatta ana!", exclaims Trump.
Suddenly everyone becomes quiet.  After a moment of silence, the Japanese VIP turns around and asks Trump "Wrong hole?  What do you mean, wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhk4o0/trump_goes_to_japan/
%
Told my daughter basketball season was postponed because of the virus...

She said "they should ban baseball instead". Asked her why and she goes "wasn't this all caused by bats?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhk1t4/told_my_daughter_basketball_season_was_postponed/
%
A police officer pulls a man for speeding

Po: Sir im gonna have to write a ticket but i will give you a chance by answering a trivia question.
Guy: Lets do this
Po: There are two headlights coming from the end of the street. What is it?
Guy: Its a car!!
Po: Sure but is it a kia, is it a mazda? That was wrong but ill give you one more chance.
There is one headlight coming down the street. What is it.
Guy: Its a motorbike !!!
Po: Sure but is it bmw , is it suzuki? Sorry man im gonna have to proceed with the ticket
Guy: Hey give me one last chance. Ill ask you an easy trivia question and if you get it right go ahead and finish the ticket
Po: Ok go
Guy: Theres a lady at the corner of the street very late at night. She is wearing a mini skirt and a very tight blouse while waving and talking to men in cars. What is she?
Po: She is a whore dude...
Guy: Sure but is it your wife, is it your sister?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhju6t/a_police_officer_pulls_a_man_for_speeding/
%
Why can't you ask a gay a question

You don't get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhjmp4/why_cant_you_ask_a_gay_a_question/
%
A man tries to join the Big Dick Club...

He goes to the front desk and they ask him how big his dick is. "15 inches." He replies with a proud grin. But the guy at the desk just laughs. Everyone in the room just laughs at this poor guy. He sulks. Ashamed, he heads toward the door, but a janitor stops him. "Hey, don't feel bad. They deny a lot of guys with big cocks like yours. They just have high expectations." The man nods at the janitor as he wipes his own tears away. "But wait- what are you doing here?" He asks the janitor. And the janitor goes, "... Well... You see that lump in my sock...? Yeah, and I'm just the janitor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhjhnv/a_man_tries_to_join_the_big_dick_club/
%
May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong.

And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhjfmq/may_your_glass_be_ever_full_may_the_roof_over/
%
I never could stand the Kool-Aid man...

He's always so full of himself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhjf05/i_never_could_stand_the_koolaid_man/
%
Why do Jewish people watch porn in reverse?

They like the part where the hooker gives back the money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhjaxm/why_do_jewish_people_watch_porn_in_reverse/
%
What did the pain killer addicted Power Ranger say?

Its morphine time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhjaop/what_did_the_pain_killer_addicted_power_ranger_say/
%
Why is Toilet Paper selling out but not Tissue Paper?

Because if 1 person sneezes everyone will shit themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhj83k/why_is_toilet_paper_selling_out_but_not_tissue/
%
I had an issue at the toilet due to the Corona Virus..

I had run out of toilet paper so I had to use socks..
dumb name for a hamster anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhiz38/i_had_an_issue_at_the_toilet_due_to_the_corona/
%
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhiu0e/a_man_escapes_from_prison_where_he_has_been_for/
%
Whats the difference between the coronavirus and 737MAX?

The coronavirus is airborne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhisq8/whats_the_difference_between_the_coronavirus_and/
%
the two parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhimil/the_two_parrots/
%
Challenge Jar

A man walks into a bar. He approaches the bartender to order his drink and can’t help but notice a huge glass jar packed to the brim with $100 bills.
So the man asks the bartender, “What’s the deal with that jar?”
The bartender replies, “That’s our challenge jar. You put $100 in and if you can complete the challenges you get all the money in the jar.”
Intrigued, the man asks what the challenges are.
The bartender says, “Well, first you have to eat a plate of 5 rotten eggs. Second, there is a bear in the basement that has an abscess tooth. You’ll have to pull it. And finally, there’s a 90 year old lady upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You have to give her one.”
The man replies, “Honestly, I was out at the rotten eggs. Thanks though.”
So the man sits down and has a drink. Then another. Then another. And before long, he’s had enough liquid courage to tell the bartender, “You know what? Screw it, I’ll go for it.”
So he places his $100 in the jar and the bartender brings out the eggs. They smell awful and taste even worse, but the man is drunk and there’s gotta be thousands in that jar, so he chokes them down.
“Great,” says the bartender. “The bear is downstairs. Good luck.”
So the man goes to the basement. Everyone in the bar gathers at the door to hear what’s happening. It’s quiet at first, and the suddenly there’s a huge commotion. The bear is roaring, the man is screaming, glass is smashing, walls are breaking. It’s pandemonium down there.
After 10 minutes, the man opens the basement door. He’s covered in blood and his clothes are torn to shreds, but he’s still standing.
The bartender asks him, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” the man replies. “Now where’s that old lady with the bad tooth?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhil7j/challenge_jar/
%
How are fake diamonds related to Ireland?

They’re sham rocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhikdu/how_are_fake_diamonds_related_to_ireland/
%
One part vodka, one part vermouth, add olives and olive juice then drink alone

Quarantini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhijm4/one_part_vodka_one_part_vermouth_add_olives_and/
%
Guys have rights

Girls have whatever's left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhibys/guys_have_rights/
%
My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He's pretty good at it too.

If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhi5o8/my_neighbor_sells_home_security_systems_door_to/
%
The world health organization declared that dogs cannot contract the Corona virus.

All dogs held in quarantine have been released. So to clarify.... WHO let the dogs out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhi5fb/the_world_health_organization_declared_that_dogs/
%
The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:

I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhhx9j/the_coronavirus_is_a_lot_like_a_kinky_sex_life/
%
Why is the coronavirus causing everyone to bulk buy toilet rolls?

Because whenever someone sneezes, 10 people start shitting themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhhuqk/why_is_the_coronavirus_causing_everyone_to_bulk/
%
What did the 0 say to the 8?

Hey, I really like your belt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhhpn0/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
%
A guy with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the fuck had sex with my wife? he snarled angrily
A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhhoza/a_guy_with_a_gun_enters_a_bar/
%
Me, a religous man, just got coronavirus. I refused to see my friend and his spouse...

Because the Lord says "Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor's wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhhnvc/me_a_religous_man_just_got_coronavirus_i_refused/
%
I keep sneezing and singing ‘My way’ by Sinatra......

I think I’ve got the crooner virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhhij4/i_keep_sneezing_and_singing_my_way_by_sinatra/
%
Doctor, I touched my face and now I keep saying “my my my my woo!”

What do I have?
Sharonavirus
Note: the young do not show symptoms when exposed to the above...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhhi2u/doctor_i_touched_my_face_and_now_i_keep_saying_my/
%
I dont mean to brag about my drum jokes but um...

tsss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhhhcd/i_dont_mean_to_brag_about_my_drum_jokes_but_um/
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This Coronavirus fear is getting out of hand...

I accidentally sneezed on my monitor, and my antivirus software started running.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhhbsd/this_coronavirus_fear_is_getting_out_of_hand/
%
People are so judgemental.

I can tell by just looking at them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhha4m/people_are_so_judgemental/
%
We squint at the sun because it's bright.

We squint at people because they're not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhh7gl/we_squint_at_the_sun_because_its_bright/
%
Why can't Trump get infected by coronavirus?

Because he has presidential immunity!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhh69h/why_cant_trump_get_infected_by_coronavirus/
%
Want to hear a joke about Covid 19?

You probably won't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhh4of/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_covid_19/
%
Will glass coffins be a success

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhh3f8/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
%
I have a split personality

said Tom being frank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhh2m5/i_have_a_split_personality/
%
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhh1xs/i_was_wondering_why_the_ball_was_getting_bigger/
%
The first rule of passive aggressive club is

ya know what, never mind, it's fine...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhh1ix/the_first_rule_of_passive_aggressive_club_is/
%
A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell ring. She opens up the door, and a man with no arms and no legs showed. He says, "Hi, I saw your ad. I was hoping I could be your new boyfriend." The woman was confused. "What makes you think you're gonna be better than my last 3?" She inquired. "Well," he began. "I have no arms, so I won't abuse you. I have no legs, so I won't abandon or run away from you." "But how are you in bed?" She asked. And his response was, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhgxgl/a_thrice_divorced_woman_is_giving_love_another_try/
%
You start with the punchline

How do you tell a joke about time travel?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhgx7m/you_start_with_the_punchline/
%
Starbucks® has announced that they are now adding a surcharge to any customer displaying Coronavirus symptoms.

Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhgowo/starbucks_has_announced_that_they_are_now_adding/
%
Tom Hanks really said catch me if you can

and my god did he catch it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhgoc5/tom_hanks_really_said_catch_me_if_you_can/
%
Soon Finland will recommend to keep 1 m distance from each other

it will be really awkward to stand so close to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhfxek/soon_finland_will_recommend_to_keep_1_m_distance/
%
During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country.

I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhfvgf/during_my_boxing_career_i_was_the_2nd_best_boxer/
%
It's too bad Coronavirus isn't solely transmitted sexually

Most of Reddit would be immune

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhfs9t/its_too_bad_coronavirus_isnt_solely_transmitted/
%
Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only  a bank robbery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhfitv/today_i_was_in_the_bank_when_two_men_came_in/
%
What's Irish and stays outside all year long?

Paddy O'Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhffz4/whats_irish_and_stays_outside_all_year_long/
%
A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie?

“Gladiator?”
“No, I really miss her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhf10d/a_cannibal_once_took_my_sister_to_see_a_russell/
%
Hip-Hop Mathematics Exam: Question #1

If Jay-Z is unfortunate enough to have a problem with a bitch, how many problems does Jay-Z now have? Show your work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhexl2/hiphop_mathematics_exam_question_1/
%
A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.

Nobody could control Hispanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhevqo/a_south_american_man_has_died_due_to_stress_over/
%
A cruise ship passes by a remote island and all the passengers see a bearded man running around, waving his arms wildly. "Captain." one of the passenger asks. "Who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea." the captain says.
"But he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhev2u/a_cruise_ship_passes_by_a_remote_island_and_all/
%
A stock market crash is worse than a divorce...

...you lose half your money and your wife is still around!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fheu31/a_stock_market_crash_is_worse_than_a_divorce/
%
Art Teacher: Why are you staring at an empty piece of paper?

I'm drawing a blank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fherc0/art_teacher_why_are_you_staring_at_an_empty_piece/
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Moon River

Two guys are working the night shift at a funeral parlor when they get a call to pick up a body from a car wreck.
They go to the accident and bring the body back to the funeral home.  It's now about 3AM so one guys wants to put the body on ice and get to work on him the next morning but the other guy says that he's wide awake so he's going to get started in cleaning it up.
So he lays the man out on the table and cuts off all his clothes.  As he is washing the body down he flips him over an notices that he has a large cork in his butt.
He pulls out the cork and suddenly hears singing... "Moon River, wider than a mile."
He puts the cork back in and the singing stops.  He pulls it back out and hears... "I'm crossing you in style one day..."
He puts the cork back in and the singing stops.  Of course he can't believe what he's just heard so he goes upstairs and wakes up his coworker and drags him downstairs to show him.
He pulls out the cork and hears... "Moon River, wider than a mile."
He puts the cork back in and looks over at his coworker who is beyond frustrated by now.
"You mean that you got me out of bed at 4AM to hear some asshole sing Moon River?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fheofv/moon_river/
%
Say what you want about necrophiliac morticians,

but at least they love coming into work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhelf7/say_what_you_want_about_necrophiliac_morticians/
%
Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease?

Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhekzf/hey_did_you_hear_about_the_gathering_of_st/
%
What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?

Corona actually spreads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhekt4/whats_the_difference_between_butter_and_the/
%
My friend told me that if i rickroll him one more time, he's gonna kill me

I guess we will both be XcQ-ted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhej1x/my_friend_told_me_that_if_i_rickroll_him_one_more/
%
How do you make a little old lady say “Fuck”?

Get another little old lady to say “Bingo!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhedz6/how_do_you_make_a_little_old_lady_say_fuck/
%
What do Sanders supporters have in common with dinosaurs?

Neither of them voted for Bernie Sanders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhe392/what_do_sanders_supporters_have_in_common_with/
%
What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marx-man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhe07r/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
A Cyclops asked his humas wife

Cyclops : Honey, how do you spell Hawaii?
Wife : Well you need two i's
Cyclops : This isnt the time to fucking joke around Linda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhdxg0/a_cyclops_asked_his_humas_wife/
%
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus

but later decided to let it go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhdw8c/chuck_norris_caught_the_coronavirus/
%
How do you find a blind man at a nudist colony?

It isn't hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhdnhy/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_at_a_nudist_colony/
%
The secret to a good love life

###  Is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.
And most important: make sure these three women never, ever meet each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhdkqw/the_secret_to_a_good_love_life/
%
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.
As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past.
She sees him - a small, limbless blob - out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him!
As she approaches he thinks to himself - “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him
a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?”
Excitedly, the man responds “no!”
The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhdfkf/a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs_is_sitting_on_the/
%
A man walks into an LGBTQ center

He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?"
The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave."
"You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhd7ir/a_man_walks_into_an_lgbtq_center/
%
You wanna hear a joke about sound?

Nah, you've probably heard it before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhd5f6/you_wanna_hear_a_joke_about_sound/
%
The military was trying to ban transpeople from joining..

..which I find wasteful considering a portion of them are x-men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhd4t8/the_military_was_trying_to_ban_transpeople_from/
%
A Muslim, a Mexican, and a Redneck are sitting in a bar

The Mexican finishes his drink, throws his glass up in the air and shoots it. He then looks at the bartender and says "glass is so cheap in my country you don't have to drink from them twice."
The Muslim, impressed throws his glass into the air, pulls out an AK-47 and lays in to the glass shattering it completely, then turns to the bartender and says "we've got so much sand in our country, that glass is so cheap we don't need to drink from them twice either."
Finally the redneck takes a sip, then finished his drink, tosses his glass way up in the air, pulls out a .45 shoots both the Muslim and the Mexican, catches his cup and lays it gently on the bar, then says to the bartender "we've got so many immigrants in our country we don't need to drink with them twice either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhd481/a_muslim_a_mexican_and_a_redneck_are_sitting_in_a/
%
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant...

...but apparently it just changes the color of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhd415/i_thought_my_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife_from/
%
A cow, a pig, and a chicken walk into a bar-b-q...

The end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhcnzw/a_cow_a_pig_and_a_chicken_walk_into_a_barbq/
%
What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhcntt/what_has_75_balls_and_screws_old_ladies/
%
A toilet was stolen from the police station

The cops have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhckkg/a_toilet_was_stolen_from_the_police_station/
%
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on

The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him.
The second nurse does the same.
The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him.
Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they thought he was dead.
The man replies, "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fuckin great!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhck3k/three_nurses_working_in_a_morgue_discover_a_dead/
%
A guy is in a doctors office.

His doctor is there with him.
"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.
"What are they?"
"Well, the first piece of news is that you have the corona virus."
"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.
"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."
The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have the corona virus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhceqj/a_guy_is_in_a_doctors_office/
%
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what should we do?"
Her husband says "I'm no expert, but i wouldn't fucking spank him".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhc6zn/wife_was_cleaning_12_year_old_sons_bedroom/
%
My unhealthy coping mechanism is sex

That's why I'm still depressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhc56k/my_unhealthy_coping_mechanism_is_sex/
%
Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes

1.
I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation
I work as a McDonald’s cashier
2.
“Mom there is a burglar in here”
“No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”
3.
“So what do you do for a living?”
“I travel and drive a 100k vehicle”
“So you get paid to travel?”
“Yeah I’m a bus driver”
4.
I’m not fat I’m just horizontally enhanced
5.
1 meal a day before and after euphemisms:
I’m broke
I’m doing intermittent fasting for longevity and health benefits
6.
I’m not a mercenary I’m just a private military contractor
7.
It’s not a stab wound it’s an extra biological pocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhc2us/stupid_overcomplicated_euphemism_jokes/
%
I'm starting a Christmas themed thrash band.

Thinking of calling it Sleigher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhbnbn/im_starting_a_christmas_themed_thrash_band/
%
Do you know why Scots wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhbgsr/do_you_know_why_scots_wear_kilts/
%
A woman asks an attractive man how long it's been since he made love to a woman...

"1956." "Wow, that's a long time ago!" says the woman. "Hey, lets see if you remember anything from that time, shall we"? the man agrees. They go into a private area and have sex, and she says "You haven't forgotten anything since 1956! Impressive!" The man says "I sure hope not," the man checks his phone for the time, "It's 2130 right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhbfof/a_woman_asks_an_attractive_man_how_long_its_been/
%
What do you call an electronic shovel

Groundbreaking technology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhbb21/what_do_you_call_an_electronic_shovel/
%
Me: *Raids a Minecraft village killing everyone*

My Grandpa trying to help me with his eternal love and support: "Try napalm, it'll change your life, trust me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhb9fz/me_raids_a_minecraft_village_killing_everyone/
%
There are two types of people in this world

1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhb9es/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
The only b word you should call women is beautiful

Because bitches love when you call them beautiful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhb31g/the_only_b_word_you_should_call_women_is_beautiful/
%
How did michael jackson pick his nose

With a catalog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhb0qz/how_did_michael_jackson_pick_his_nose/
%
I want to share a science joke on here...

But, now i realise all the good jokes
Argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhatpz/i_want_to_share_a_science_joke_on_here/
%
I called to the toilet paper manufacturer to complain about a dysfunctional layer of the product...

They wouldn't re-ply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhat2o/i_called_to_the_toilet_paper_manufacturer_to/
%
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhamko/whats_the_difference_between_wuhan_and_las_vegas/
%
What do a prostitute and a box of chocolates have in common?

They're both full of assorted creams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhamcd/what_do_a_prostitute_and_a_box_of_chocolates_have/
%
They fired the guy who invented the wheel...

He was cutting too many corners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhak5c/they_fired_the_guy_who_invented_the_wheel/
%
When I was younger everyone called me weird because I didn't have a gag reflex.

Now they just call me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhahfo/when_i_was_younger_everyone_called_me_weird/
%
This just in: Due to panic buying, Walmart has decided to open up a 2nd register.

Dire times indeed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhafsd/this_just_in_due_to_panic_buying_walmart_has/
%
How do you make Holy water?

You boil the hell out of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhaf80/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
What's better than a rose on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhad6d/whats_better_than_a_rose_on_a_piano/
%
Caught empty handed by toilet paper shortages?

I guess that's why hind sight is 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhacak/caught_empty_handed_by_toilet_paper_shortages/
%
Why is Coronavirus all one word?

Because they didn’t want to spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhaaw7/why_is_coronavirus_all_one_word/
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The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square dish and says - "every square dish represents an aspect of the mosquito. its wings represent the speed at which the disease will spread, its body represents the strength of the illness, and its head represents how difficult it is to cure." As he places the body parts into the square dishes, they seem to melt and take on the square shape of their containers. He then takes the dishes and says - "now we will add them to the pot, and hoist the pot to the heavens so that the gods may tell us something about these aspects of the disease." So he ties a noose around a small clay pot, throws in all the square dishes and some boiling water, and raises the noose on the ceremonial pole. The pot swings for a few minutes in the breeze, and just as the people start to get impatient, the elder says - "Hush! It is done!" He brings down the pot, and inside it is a large seed. The elder takes the seed and says - "Hurry! We must plant this seed, and the gods will tell us what we need to know about the mosquito you brought me."
So they plant the seed, and it sits there in the ground doing nothing. The people are wondering why the elder is watching so intently when a green stem suddenly shoots out of the ground. "Aha!" The elder says. "Time to dig it up!" So the people do, but they have a struggle unearthing the massive root that the seed has grown into. One man asks - "O wise one, how is it possible that the root grew so fast?" And the elder replies - "It signifies that the disease will spread like wildfire." The man then asks - "And why, pray tell, is the root so big?" And the elder answeres him - "That is because the disease will be very severe." Then the man asks - "And why is it so hard to chip with a trowel?" The elder replies with an air of finality - "That tells us that the disease will be very hard to cure." And, in somber silence, they keep digging. Finally, they unearth the root and the elder appraises it. He sees the shape of the root - perfectly square - and murmurs - "Oh, dear." The talkative man in the crowd butts in - "What?? What's the big problem??" And the elder says,
"Well, this disease will infect many of you. The magnitude of a vector is always equal to the square root of the sum of the squares of its components."
The people nod gravely. Finally, the talkative man asks, "Okay, wise one, but you used every part of the mosquito except the legs! What are those for?" And the wise elder answers - "Ah, but for deterimining magnitude the legs tell you nothing if you already have the high pot and noose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fhaav7/the_mosquito_that_brings_disease/
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I asked my gay friend "How different is sex for you guys?"

He didnt give me a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fha7ig/i_asked_my_gay_friend_how_different_is_sex_for/
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How do lesbians split the bill on a date?

They scissor it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fha2ns/how_do_lesbians_split_the_bill_on_a_date/
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Why is the US so afraid of the Corona Virus?

They can’t afford to get sick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh9yh1/why_is_the_us_so_afraid_of_the_corona_virus/
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A man and a wizard are having a dispute.

In a fit of rage, the wizard places a curse on the man.
"Now you can only speak using the names of animals!" Shouts the wizard.
The man replies, "Whale, owl bee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh9wn1/a_man_and_a_wizard_are_having_a_dispute/
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When im rich im building comedy clubs in all my bathrooms

Just for shits and giggles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh9mlm/when_im_rich_im_building_comedy_clubs_in_all_my/
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A girl realized that..

she had grown hair between her legs.  She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh9gd3/a_girl_realized_that/
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A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.
As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. She was leaning over the table in a low cut shirt, and sure enough he began to feel very uncomfortable. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly. Suddenly his penis emerged from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and retreated into his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can take another dinner roll in the ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh9a8y/a_man_went_to_the_doctor_and_told_him_that_he_was/
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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”
Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”
Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”
Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”
Me: “I think it's already on.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”
Me: “I don’t see that.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”
Me: “Yes.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”
Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”
Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”
Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”
Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”
Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”
Me: “Ok.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”
Me: “No. The door popped open.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”
Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”
Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh93cl/i_was_talking_to_a_scammer_the_other_day/
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Rudy Gobert should win NBA’s defensive player of the year

He just single-handedly shut down the whole league.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh8xbj/rudy_gobert_should_win_nbas_defensive_player_of/
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My son asked me for $100 in bitcoins.

I said, "$9 in bitcoins, why would you want $67 in bitcoins?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh8ke6/my_son_asked_me_for_100_in_bitcoins/
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Son of a birch

A birch tree and a beech tree were standing together in the forest when the noticed a small seedling growing nearby.
The birch tree says "ah, that's one of my children, a fine young birch!"
The beech tree says "no, that's clearly a beech, One of my many progeny."
They ask a passing woodpecker to fly down and check for them.
He flies down, pecks at it a few times to investigate, and comes back and replies " that is neither a son of a birch, or a son of a beech, but the finest piece of ash I've ever stuck my pecker in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh8dxn/son_of_a_birch/
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Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! someone call an ambulance!

Wii U Wii U Wii U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh7xwn/oh_no_playstation_and_xbox_online_services_are/
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I hope the Coronavirus issue gets resolved before tick season

Or else we'll have Corona with Lyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh7vry/i_hope_the_coronavirus_issue_gets_resolved_before/
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Why are people buying so much toilet paper for the corona virus

Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh7s2b/why_are_people_buying_so_much_toilet_paper_for/
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A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1780 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1780?! That long?! You must be an immortal! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1780...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2020 now!" Then, being an immortal, the general sucked out her lifeforce and gave her some commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh7ral/a_woman_asked_a_general_in_the_army_the_last_time/
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I cant believe that bacteria would just intrude my body without my permission.

That makes me sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh7pzx/i_cant_believe_that_bacteria_would_just_intrude/
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Why do French horns make such a loud noise?

You would too, if someone blew in one end of you and shoved their hand in the other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh7hri/why_do_french_horns_make_such_a_loud_noise/
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How can you tell if a clock is hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh7hbu/how_can_you_tell_if_a_clock_is_hungry/
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Why does Star Wars have a classical music score?

Because the Empire likes Bach!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh72wz/why_does_star_wars_have_a_classical_music_score/
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What's the difference between a bag of chips and an Ak47?

It's easier to get an AK47 in Florida

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh6m1t/whats_the_difference_between_a_bag_of_chips_and/
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My son told me he didn’t want to color anymore.

I asked him why, he says, “I don’t wanna get crayola virus”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh6hgx/my_son_told_me_he_didnt_want_to_color_anymore/
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What makes a heart dance

You give it a beat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh6c89/what_makes_a_heart_dance/
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My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.

So I said "Sure"
She asked "When?"
"When I meet the right person"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh63bt/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_get_married/
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How do you get four old ladies to shout “Fuck”?

Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh62kn/how_do_you_get_four_old_ladies_to_shout_fuck/
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I’d like to return this. It’s unused.

Clerk: Sir, this is your diploma.
Me: Cash is fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh621k/id_like_to_return_this_its_unused/
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A sign over a gynecologist’s office

Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh61tc/a_sign_over_a_gynecologists_office/
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RIP Grandpa

I'll never forget my grandpas' last words to me
"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh5z5u/rip_grandpa/
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Life is like a penis

It's disappointingly short and gets hard for no reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh5xzy/life_is_like_a_penis/
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Why is sex and oxygen similar?

They’re both unimportant, unless you’re not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh5oc1/why_is_sex_and_oxygen_similar/
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Weinstein didn't kill himself.

... Sorry, just practicing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh5fk7/weinstein_didnt_kill_himself/
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My mate who's an origami teacher, has quit her job..

Apparently...
1. There was too much paperwork.
2. She kept folding under pressure.
3. She just couldn't cut it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh5851/my_mate_whos_an_origami_teacher_has_quit_her_job/
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How do you carry a too heavy lamp?

Turn on the electricity, it will be a lot lighter instantly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh554j/how_do_you_carry_a_too_heavy_lamp/
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I lost my ruler this morning.

My disappointment was immeasurable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh53kx/i_lost_my_ruler_this_morning/
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Why do people hate reposts in r/jokes?

Because they’ve already reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh4yxl/why_do_people_hate_reposts_in_rjokes/
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What happens when you light a match in the boy's locker room?

*KABOOM!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh4ws8/what_happens_when_you_light_a_match_in_the_boys/
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I almost got raped in jail today.

My family takes Monopoly way too seriously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh4wdz/i_almost_got_raped_in_jail_today/
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What do you call a boomerang that never returns?

A stick..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh4uza/what_do_you_call_a_boomerang_that_never_returns/
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Pun walks into a room and shoots ten people

Pun intended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh4tqb/pun_walks_into_a_room_and_shoots_ten_people/
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Why are American school kids the second best FPS gamers next to Koreans?

Because they learned how to dodge bullets in real life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh4tmv/why_are_american_school_kids_the_second_best_fps/
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I eat pussy the same way I smoke cigarettes.

All the way to the butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh4pjj/i_eat_pussy_the_same_way_i_smoke_cigarettes/
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How did you get your name?

A grade school meets her new class at the start of the year and starts asking them their names.
She goes to the first child, “What is your name?”
The girl replied, “Lilly”.
The teacher says, “That’s a lovely name, how did you get your name?”
The girl replied, “Because when I was born a lilly landed on me”.
She goes to the second child, “What is your name?”
The girl replied, “Daisy”.
The teacher says, “That’s a lovely name, how did you get your name?”
The girl replied, “Because when I was born a daisy landed on me”.
She goes to the third child, “What is your name?”
“FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDGGE”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh4np8/how_did_you_get_your_name/
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Sex is like pizza

If you are going to use barbecue sauce you better know what you are doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh4g10/sex_is_like_pizza/
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A vacuum salesman knocked on a newly built home

A lady opened the door. The salesman rushed into the home and threw rotten scrambled eggs, fries and hot dogs on the carpet floor. Before the lady said anything, the salesman said "Mam, the vacuum i have is the best in business. I'll vacuum every single thing and also ensure there is no odor. If i fail I'll eat everything that's on the floor"
The lady then said "Would you like some ketchup ? Because, the house doesn't have electricity yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh4es8/a_vacuum_salesman_knocked_on_a_newly_built_home/
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I'm very good with Microsoft Office.

One might say I Excel at it.
But you shouldn't take my Word for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh4dte/im_very_good_with_microsoft_office/
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Who declared the coronavirus outbreak a global pandemic?

Yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh470b/who_declared_the_coronavirus_outbreak_a_global/
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A man loves to duck hunt one night his wife asks to go with him the next day

He told her she could. The next morning he wakes up gets the dog, grabs the guns and the decoys and wakes her up. She looks at the clock, sees it’s 3:45 and tells him she’s going back to sleep. He says “you have 3 choices. You give me a BJ, you let me put it in your ass, or you’re going hunting. She agrees to the BJ, he finishes, goes hunting and limits out. He comes home excited and she tells him she wants to go the next day. The next day rolls around and he gets up gets everything ready and wakes her, she looks at the clock see it’s early and says she’s going back to sleep. He says “you know your options” and once again she agrees to the BJ but a couple of seconds I’m she starts gagging and says “that tastes like shit” he said “yeah the dog didn’t want to go either”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh440x/a_man_loves_to_duck_hunt_one_night_his_wife_asks/
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Pretty sure I asked for help regarding this already, but

Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine? It was about a weak back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh3y86/pretty_sure_i_asked_for_help_regarding_this/
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Captain in Afghanistan receives a letter from his wife.

The letter contains a photo.
A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open. Captioned - honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this.
The captain immediately becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him. He sleeps satisfied that night.
Next day, he gets another letter.
The letter contains a photo.
A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open and her right 2 fingers buried deep inside her.
Captioned - honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this.
The captain again becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him. He again sleeps satisfied that night. But he is now extremely horny.
The next day, he gets another letter.
By now the whole unit is talking about this guy.
He opens the letter.
The letter contains a photo.
A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open and her right 3 fingers buried deep inside her pussy and left 2 fingers in her ass.
Captioned - honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this.
The captain not only becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him, but is incredibly horny and turned on too. He tries to sleep but can't. It's just too much sexual tension. He starts stroking himself and immediately nuts in no time.
As he recovers, he immediately starts packing.
His bunk mate asks what happened bro, you were happy just a moment ago. The captain exclaims - love and all that shit is fine, but if both her hands are busy then WHO THE FUCK IS TAKING THOSE PHOTOS?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh3r5l/captain_in_afghanistan_receives_a_letter_from_his/
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My doctor prescribed me Viagra for my depression

He thought it would lift me up, but it just makes everything a whole lot harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh3n54/my_doctor_prescribed_me_viagra_for_my_depression/
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What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?

No country for old men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh3jku/what_movie_perfectly_describes_the_corona_virus/
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Religious Shit

Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
T.V. Evangelism: Send more money to stop the shit.
Atheism: No shit.
Jehova's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind
. Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh3db4/religious_shit/
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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Singaporean, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Monk, an Italian, a Serb, a Russian and an Ethiopian went to a bar.
The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh2xhf/apparently_its_no_longer_politically_correct_to/
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Freudian slip

How many Freudians to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis.
I mean the mother!
I MEAN THE LADDER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh2sn3/freudian_slip/
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My Doctor has just diagnosed me with paranoia.

He didn't actually say it.
But I know what he was thinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh2rta/my_doctor_has_just_diagnosed_me_with_paranoia/
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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh2nae/my_brother_just_updated_his_status_to_i_love_my/
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Please stop with all the corona jokes.

I‘m sick of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh2ltd/please_stop_with_all_the_corona_jokes/
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Otherwise

You might think this is a lame post
but the title says otherwise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh2hr4/otherwise/
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What’s the hardest working profession?

Morticians - after they die, they go back to work one last time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh2dpf/whats_the_hardest_working_profession/
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We were doing sex ed in school today.

I asked my teacher why I need this. He said you'll need it later in life. I told him I'm a redditor. I was excused from the class...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh2clt/we_were_doing_sex_ed_in_school_today/
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Did you guys hear about the waterfalls that went up?

They’re called ‘Viagra falls’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh2b1i/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_waterfalls_that_went/
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Did you hear about EA taking over Nintendo?

Their new game is gonna be called ‘Pay-per Mario’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh27v5/did_you_hear_about_ea_taking_over_nintendo/
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A bum walks into a bar with his dog...

He says to the bartender, “Hey fella, if my dog can talk, will you give me a free drink?”
Bartender looks at him suspiciously but says, “yeah, sure, why not.”
So the guy looks at the dog and says, “ok boy, what is on top of a house?!”
The dog barks out, “Roof! Roof!”
Then the guy asks the dog, “How does sand paper feel?!”
The dog barks, “Ruff! Ruff!”
Finally the guy asks the dog, “Who was the greatest Yankee of all time!?”
The dog barks “Roof! Roof!”
The bartender kicks the bum out of his bar.
Sitting on the curb outside of the bar, the dog looks up at the owner and says, “You think I should have said DiMaggio?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh22be/a_bum_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_dog/
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A horse walks into a bar

The bartender asks, “why the long face?”
The horse unable to comprehend human languages promptly shits on the floor and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh1uti/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why are the people from r/woosh safe from the coronavirus?

They just don’t get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh1m7s/why_are_the_people_from_rwoosh_safe_from_the/
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What do you call a magical owl?

Hoodini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh1jlc/what_do_you_call_a_magical_owl/
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How do we know Princess Diana had dandruff?

We found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh1jfu/how_do_we_know_princess_diana_had_dandruff/
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Tentacles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh1j40/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
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Wanna hear two short jokes and a long one?

Joke. Joke.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh1ags/wanna_hear_two_short_jokes_and_a_long_one/
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Harvey Weinstein didn't kill himself

Sorry just practicing for later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh13pb/harvey_weinstein_didnt_kill_himself/
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Why does spiderman always answer the phone right away?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh12cn/why_does_spiderman_always_answer_the_phone_right/
%
Want to know why ocean is so salty ?

Because land never waves back .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh10ea/want_to_know_why_ocean_is_so_salty/
%
I take Viagra for my sun burn...

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fh05hw/i_take_viagra_for_my_sun_burn/
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I feel obligated to make a joke about the Corona virus

I just hope you get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgzunf/i_feel_obligated_to_make_a_joke_about_the_corona/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgzsxl/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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A man starts a new job as a bartender.

The manager of the bar was showing him around and said, "You need to know that the customers here order drinks in a peculiar way."
"How so?" asked the new bartender.
"Well, they use a lot of abbreviations instead of the names of the drinks."
"Doesn't sound so bad, I think I can handle that."
The manager left the bar and the new bartender started serving the customers.  "What'll you have?" he asked one man.
"I'll have an S&S," came the reply.
"What's an S&S?" asked the bartender.
"It's a scotch and soda."
The new bartender realized this was one of the abbreviations the regulars used, and fixed the drink for the customer.  After a while, someone else came in and said, "I'll have a CWL."
The bartender said, "CWL?  Don't tell me:  it's a Corona with lime?"  The customer nodded, and the bartender served up his order.
Eventually, a blonde sat down at the bar and said, "I'll have a 15."
The bartender was puzzled and asked, "What's a 15?"
"7 & 7," said the blonde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgzq4h/a_man_starts_a_new_job_as_a_bartender/
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My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH 2 DEAD DOGS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgzbfo/my_girlfriends_dog_died_so_i_tried_to_cheer_her/
%
I like my girls how I like my Covid.

19 and easily spread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgza95/i_like_my_girls_how_i_like_my_covid/
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Stock market crashing is worse than getting a divorce

You lose half your money and your wife is still around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgz7n1/stock_market_crashing_is_worse_than_getting_a/
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I will always reject marriage proposal from any girl

I don't think I can live with someone with such a poor taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgyxig/i_will_always_reject_marriage_proposal_from_any/
%
I love the British summer

It's my favourite day of the year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgyxi0/i_love_the_british_summer/
%
Guys I just bought 256 Gb Iphone 11 and my kid dropped it and shattered the screen so now i'm giving it away.

He's 5 years old, cute, can read, and is otherwise decently behaved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgysbw/guys_i_just_bought_256_gb_iphone_11_and_my_kid/
%
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”

I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgyq5l/my_friend_asked_me_is_sex_weird_after_you_get_a/
%
Fine, if Russia wants to keep Putin in office indefinitely,

Then Soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgypbv/fine_if_russia_wants_to_keep_putin_in_office/
%
Need some help creating fake certifications

Apologies if this isn't a good sub to post a request like this. Happy to pull it down.
My coworker has been taking a lot of short online certification courses. Every day he finishes a new course, prints out the certificate of completion and proudly hangs the certificate up on his wall. He's got about 9 up on the wall so far. Naturally, I scanned the certificate in and started printing out fake versions with ridiculous courses and tossing it up in the mix of legit ones.
He's got a good sense of humor, but deep down inside I think its annoying him. He doesn't know who's doing it, and he'll immediately take down any fake ones as soon as he notices them. So I think it's time to turn things up a notch. I'm looking for help in creating a large pool of ridiculous fake certifications to pull from, so I can always have one ready to add if I see him pull the previous one down.
We have a pretty casual work atmosphere, so the certifications can be somewhat mature, just can't have anything too NSFW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgyn7e/need_some_help_creating_fake_certifications/
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Did you know that people are starting to relapse and get Coronavirus a second time?

They’re calling it “dos sickies”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgyktn/did_you_know_that_people_are_starting_to_relapse/
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One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgyiq4/one_day_in_contract_law_class_professor_jepson/
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I had a dream that there was a dessert food made with sugar, cornstarch, and cocoa. In case any of you want to make it a reality...

I’m just pudding it out there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgyik4/i_had_a_dream_that_there_was_a_dessert_food_made/
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Why is Joe Biden like the Coronavirus?

They are both sweeping through the states, taking the elderly's breath away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgyfss/why_is_joe_biden_like_the_coronavirus/
%
My girlfriend bought me a copy of the kama sutra last week...

... which put me in an awkward postition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgyavs/my_girlfriend_bought_me_a_copy_of_the_kama_sutra/
%
I used to play drums when I was little,

and I stopped after a couple years. But during my teenage years I forced myself to relearn the instrument just so I can show the world that I’m not afraid of repercussion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgy273/i_used_to_play_drums_when_i_was_little/
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We should banish all adulterous people to a separate country

and call it the state of affairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgy1k8/we_should_banish_all_adulterous_people_to_a/
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How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgxxr7/how_do_you_measure_the_heaviness_of_a_red_hot/
%
I went into a pet store to buy some goldfish.

The owner said "do you want an aquarium?"
I said " I don't care what star sign they are!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgxc7x/i_went_into_a_pet_store_to_buy_some_goldfish/
%
What's round and bad tempered?

A vicious circle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgxapc/whats_round_and_bad_tempered/
%
I finally leveled up my coffee game.

All that grinding was worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgx7za/i_finally_leveled_up_my_coffee_game/
%
We used to cough to hide Our farts in the office

Now we fart to hide Our coughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgx4i1/we_used_to_cough_to_hide_our_farts_in_the_office/
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The anti-phonetic alphabet

I've been making a list for months of words that can be used to deliberately confuse people over the phone when phonetically reading out letters. Some letters like L are tough so I just added funny words to say.
A - aisle
B - bdellium
C - czar
D - Djibouti, Django, djembe, djinn
E - eye, eight, euthanasia
F -
G - gnat, gnome, gnocchi
H - honor, heir
I - I'll
J - jalapeno, Jai alai,
K - knight, know, knead, knack, kneel, knew, knuckle
L - lit, ligma
M - mnemonic
N - Nguyen (win)
O - Oedipus complex, Ouija
P - pneumatic, pterodactyl, psychology, pneumonia
Q - queue
R -
S - syzygy
T - tsar, tsunami, taoism
U -
V -
W - who, write, wrangler,
X - xylitol
Y - Ypres, yeet
Z -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgx36f/the_antiphonetic_alphabet/
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As if being dyslexic wasn't bad enough!

Now I read I might have racoon virus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgwzrh/as_if_being_dyslexic_wasnt_bad_enough/
%
What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth?

You jam it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgwyl3/what_is_the_easiest_way_to_fit_an_entire_peanut/
%
What's the opposite of a firefly?

A waterfall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgwt3r/whats_the_opposite_of_a_firefly/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None... they just beat the shit out of the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgwqvd/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgwna9/a_politician_dies/
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How many Bernie Sanders supporters does it take to win a primary election?

Trick question. They can't win, because they don't vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgwc23/how_many_bernie_sanders_supporters_does_it_take/
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Coronavirus

I bet the guy who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing his hands together now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgvouh/coronavirus/
%
What do Alexander the Great, Winnie the Pooh and Chance the Rapper gave in common?

The same middle name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgvoo1/what_do_alexander_the_great_winnie_the_pooh_and/
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Never have anal sex with an anarchist.

You'll give him a pro state orgasm!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgvn2w/never_have_anal_sex_with_an_anarchist/
%
I met a man from Australia who worked in IT...

I asked him "Do you come from a LAN down under"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgvfl3/i_met_a_man_from_australia_who_worked_in_it/
%
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied,

"thanks for the Baghdad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgvdqg/a_father_in_iraq_gifted_his_daughter_a_new_bag/
%
What type of bees make milk?

Boobies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgv9zo/what_type_of_bees_make_milk/
%
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse/half human doctor.

This makes him the centaur for disease control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgv3ld/according_to_greek_mythology_chiron_was_a_half/
%
a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
Nope. Unintended.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
The broom swept the nation away.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.
I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.
What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
Sausage puns are the wurst.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.
What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.
Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.
Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.
Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.
Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.
What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.
What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.
What do you call a spanish pig? Porque.
What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.
Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.
A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.
How do trees access the internet? They log on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fguwuy/a_list_of_puns/
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*burgler gently waking me*

You live like this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fguw6n/burgler_gently_waking_me/
%
It’s ironic that China doesn’t want us calling it “Chinese Coronavirus”.

They lay claim to just about about everything else even vaguely related to them: Tibet, Taiwan, Hong Kong, every tiny island for about 5,000 miles in any direction...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgugss/its_ironic_that_china_doesnt_want_us_calling_it/
%
The cop and the priests

A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
“We’ll do it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgue6f/the_cop_and_the_priests/
%
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. "I have some good news, and I have some bad news." he says.

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."
The art collector replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgub9x/a_new_york_attorney_representing_a_wealthy_art/
%
Visited North Korea over the summer, but had to leave one of my bags there.

On the bright side, that raised their GDP by 0.5%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgu5uu/visited_north_korea_over_the_summer_but_had_to/
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Wolf: "I am a wolf"

Werewolf: "I am aware, Wolf"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgtznj/wolf_i_am_a_wolf/
%
Me: A box of condoms, please.

Cashier: That’ll be $3.99. Do you want a bag with it?
Me: Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgtt4y/me_a_box_of_condoms_please/
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Nice joke for y'all.

Guys, do you think the ocean is salty because the land never waves back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgtnuk/nice_joke_for_yall/
%
When Admiral Nelson died he was 5ft tall.

He now has a statue that is 15ft tall.
That's Horatio of 3:1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgtnfc/when_admiral_nelson_died_he_was_5ft_tall/
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The French monarchy was a bad idea

But it was brilliantly executed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgtkpv/the_french_monarchy_was_a_bad_idea/
%
God Knows!!!

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgtiun/god_knows/
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my girlfriend has been quarantined because of the coronavirus.

i'm really worried, she's stuck at her ex's house and sent a voicemail of her moaning in pain. hopefully god is good to her and she can come home soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgth6f/my_girlfriend_has_been_quarantined_because_of_the/
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some people get offended by the coronavirus jokes

but, i don’t worry...they’ll all get it soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgt5vn/some_people_get_offended_by_the_coronavirus_jokes/
%
A bit rapey.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgt2ia/a_bit_rapey/
%
Are monsters good at math?

No, unless you Count Dracula.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgsxqx/are_monsters_good_at_math/
%
I know a lot of Eminem jokes,

but the chances that you'll get them is slim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgsx1o/i_know_a_lot_of_eminem_jokes/
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I made a graph of all my past relationships

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgswx7/i_made_a_graph_of_all_my_past_relationships/
%
I picked up this hitchhiker on the state highway.

He seemed like a nice guy. After a few hours, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer.
I replied with "I don't know man, the odds of two serial killers being in the same car is highly unlikely"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgsuk8/i_picked_up_this_hitchhiker_on_the_state_highway/
%
Valerie

The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified,  well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged  $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand  dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour,  the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once  more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever  come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no  discounts. The price is still $10,000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded  that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and  they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No  one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"  The man replied, "St. Louis." "Really," she said. "I have family in St.  Louis."
"I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her  attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."
The moral  of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgsn8s/valerie/
%
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall.

I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgs290/my_brother_went_to_jail_he_didnt_take_it_very/
%
99.99% of the people on this website are not smart

Glad I'm the 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgrul6/9999_of_the_people_on_this_website_are_not_smart/
%
I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.

Then I bought a steel whistle, and it steel wooden whistle. Then I bought a tin whistle, and now I tin whistle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgrrd3/i_bought_a_wooden_whistle_but_it_wooden_whistle/
%
I guess China finally got what they want

They managed to coronise the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgrlsx/i_guess_china_finally_got_what_they_want/
%
Gave my wife a surprise bukake party for her birthday.

Everybody came. You should have seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgr5wx/gave_my_wife_a_surprise_bukake_party_for_her/
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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned to a life of solitude, all due to his minor speech impediment.
Jolene was fat. She always had been, and nobody would let her forget it. Acquaintances, close friends, even family members: she had lost many relationships after learning what people were saying about her. One thing she always had, though, was music. Jolene *loved* heavy metal. The deafening, inescapable rage soothed her nerves whenever life got too hard, but it could never soothe her loneliness.
One particularly rough day, Paul's gloominess suddenly turned to shock when he received a notification from Tinder- *he had a match!* "Thurely this mutht be a mithtake," he said to himself. After too many heartbreaking experiences with first dates, he had decided to mention his lisp in his bio, and with his average looks, nobody had liked his profile since.
Although he had already dismissed all hopes in his head, he still decided to check the match, both out of curiosity and to clear the notification. When he opened the app, he found that the woman in the profile was *beautiful*! He couldn't believe someone like her could have read about his lisp and still swiped right. At first he thought she may have just skipped the bio, but he knew that no woman so pretty would have liked him based on his pictures alone. He *had* to know what was going on here.
It may have seemed heavy-handed, even to him, but he sent the woman a message that said, "hey idk if u read my bio, but just so u know, i have a lisp." He didn't expect to hear from her again, but he had to get that out of the way.
To his absolute *shock*, however, he received a notification from Tinder only 2 minutes later. "i saw that in ur bio :)", it said. Paul couldn't believe it. She knew about his lisp, and she had still liked him! The two of them got to talking, and before long, they had arranged to meet!
That Saturday evening, Paul pulled up in front of the town event center and waited outside. As he was glancing at his phone, he heard a voice.
"Hey, are you Paul?"
He most certainly *was* Paul! He looked up to meet the voice, and-
...
That was strange. Why was this random, rather large, lady asking him his name? And then it hit him...
"Oh! Are you Jolene?"
"Yeah," she said.
Paul had to say something, but he didn't want to be rude. "You look a lot different than your picthure."
"Oh yeaaahhh..." she said. "That's my sister's picture. I should probably take that down."
Paul was understandably annoyed that his date had used a fake picture to lure him in, but in all honesty, he didn't mind her size. He of all people knew what it was like to be judged and ridiculed by people who didn't appreciate him for his personality. He dropped the subject and suggested they go inside to enjoy the concert.
Both of them were excited to be on the date, but each had something bugging them. Paul had agreed to see Disturbed, but in truth- he hated heavy metal. He didn't even consider it music.
On the other hand, Jolene was absolutely thrilled to be doing something she loved with a date! However, her prior interaction with Paul had left her thinking he was disappointed with the way she looked. She thought he could never truly love her, and when she smiled at him, and in return, received a happy expression that looked more forced than anything, she took it as a sign. About half-way through the concert, she ran off.
Paul immediately ran after her, and he found her sobbing outside the front door.
"Hey, what'th wrong?" he asked.
"I can tell you're not having fun," she cried. "It's okay. Everyone else always feels the same way."
Paul had no idea she was talking about her weight. He just thought she had figured out that he didn't share her taste in music- definitely nothing to cry over! Laughing, he bent down to comfort her:
"Hey, if you can ackthept this terrible lithp, I'm thure I can try to get down with the thickness."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgqzkk/a_man_with_a_lisp_went_on_a_blind_date_to_a_heavy/
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Bobby and his wife are having hard financial times

so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Bobby says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”  She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”.  She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Bobby and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Bobby reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.  He agrees.  She gets in the car.  He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”  She runs back to Bobby, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgqkey/bobby_and_his_wife_are_having_hard_financial_times/
%
Democratic Party and Republican Party: one of these parties is trying their best to make sure Trump gets re-elected.

So is the other one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgqbtz/democratic_party_and_republican_party_one_of/
%
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgq9w7/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
%
What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas?

Corollavirus.
Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgq6rk/what_disease_do_you_get_from_buying_too_many/
%
A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...
He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded.  The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well.  Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships would pass through.  Day after day, for several years, he continued this routine.
One day, when swimming out to the channel, he sees a ship.  He calls out to them, and they rescue him!  He is brought to the captain who marvels at his story of survival.  He asks the captain "Can I go back to the island to retrieve my belongings?  Some of my things are very important to me."
The captain agrees and sends two crew members with him on a rowboat.  They ask him questions about his survival, eagerly hearing how this man bested the wild for all these years.  Approaching his living area, the crew members see three huts.  *One man with three huts*, they wonder, *what could he possibly do with them?*
"What is that leftmost hut used for?" asked a crew member.
"That's my house, where I ate and slept," answered the Calvinist.
That made sense.  "What is that middle hut used for?" he followed up.
"That is my church, where I go to pray, read Scripture, and worship God, Who has kept me alive for all these years," answered the devout Calvinist.
That also made sense.  But what could the last hut be for?
"What is the rightmost hut used for?" asked the crew member.
The Calvinist answered, "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgq3hf/a_joke_my_religion_professor_told_me/
%
Wife: Honey, the vacuum isn't sucking.

Husband: Frustrating, isn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgpxcf/wife_honey_the_vacuum_isnt_sucking/
%
Today at the butchers I fell into a pile of animal guts.

It was offal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgpvpm/today_at_the_butchers_i_fell_into_a_pile_of/
%
The Coronavirus won’t last very long.

It was made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgpmp4/the_coronavirus_wont_last_very_long/
%
After work, I volunteer to help blind children.

Btw – verb, not adjective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgpldm/after_work_i_volunteer_to_help_blind_children/
%
I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING INTERCOURSE.

###
I couldn't believe it.
I was in tears.
I could never trust her again.
I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.
Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.
I said, "bad dog".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgpipv/i_came_home_early_from_work_one_afternoon_and/
%
Doctor: "Are you sexually active?"

Patient: "Nah, I just lie there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgpi42/doctor_are_you_sexually_active/
%
That escalated quickly

### That escalated quickly
I was getting a handjob off my new girlfriend when I asked, "How are you so good at this?"
"Years of practice," she said.
"Bit of a player in your day were you?" I laughed.
"No," she replied, "my dad had no arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgpd47/that_escalated_quickly/
%
What is worse than getting a wrong call at 3am in the morning?

Getting a correct one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgp8i8/what_is_worse_than_getting_a_wrong_call_at_3am_in/
%
Reddit is like anal sex

You dont know how it works for the first time,
It can be painful and time consuming,
But if done correctly you start enjoying it later.
AND ITS NOT FOR EVERYONE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgoy4i/reddit_is_like_anal_sex/
%
A person in a wheelchair walks into a bar

The bartender says: “What the fuck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgojgt/a_person_in_a_wheelchair_walks_into_a_bar/
%
At work we were all out of toilet paper. A co-worker suggested I use a dollar.I ended up with shit all over my hand and half way up my arm...

Well, you try wiping with three quarters two dimes and a nickel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgogtw/at_work_we_were_all_out_of_toilet_paper_a/
%
I regularly mess with the owner of the restaurant across the road.

I myself am a restaurant owner and regularly go into the restaurant across the street to mess with the owners head.
It started out small, changing the salt in the salt shakers for sugar. Removing the labels from tin cans so they wouldn’t know what’s in them. During this whole time the owner had no idea it was me and therefore there was no retaliation.
Anyway, after a while and some more substantial pranks it appeared he caught on that it was me. I discovered this as one day when I came to the front door of my restaurant, a note was posted on the front door reading “See how you like it.”
As I walked inside I saw that all my furniture had been rotated.
It appears the tables have turned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgofv5/i_regularly_mess_with_the_owner_of_the_restaurant/
%
What do you call a 50 year old nerd ?

Boss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgod4p/what_do_you_call_a_50_year_old_nerd/
%
My wife asked me to get off the couch and go to yoga with her

I told her, namaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgobfi/my_wife_asked_me_to_get_off_the_couch_and_go_to/
%
It's not Coronavirus anymore...

It's now Boomer Remover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgo558/its_not_coronavirus_anymore/
%
If Corona virus is just a beer virus..

Then it’s just a yeast infection!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgo0py/if_corona_virus_is_just_a_beer_virus/
%
Knock Knock

Who's there?
Wakanda.
Wakanda who?
Wakanda bell do you have, it don't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgny8q/knock_knock/
%
Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgnxgb/why_are_we_running_out_of_toilet_paper/
%
My wife said she had a headache so didn't feel up to sex this evening.

I told her to just suck it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgnri1/my_wife_said_she_had_a_headache_so_didnt_feel_up/
%
When I was a kid

, I wanted to grow up to be a storm trooper.
But I missed my opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgnpf2/when_i_was_a_kid/
%
Hey Redditors, how do you address a group of imbeciles?

Oh wait, I told that out of order.
How do you address a group of imbeciles?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgnlqt/hey_redditors_how_do_you_address_a_group_of/
%
Corona Virus

Apparently the first member of this group has sadly died  because of the coronavirus.
In their house they found 500 cans of assorted  food, 100kg of pasta, 75kg of rice, 200 toilet rolls and 30L of hand  sanitiser which he had panic bought from Tesco “just in case!”
The whole lot collapsed and buried the daft bastard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgngyq/corona_virus/
%
When Donald Trump dies he should be buried in a hole that is dug at 15 ft

Because down deep he probly ain't such a bad guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgnfuq/when_donald_trump_dies_he_should_be_buried_in_a/
%
I used to cover up my farts with a cough on the subway

Now with coronavirus, it’s the other way around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgmwaa/i_used_to_cover_up_my_farts_with_a_cough_on_the/
%
I'm a sex addict so I went to see a sex therapist

After an hour of all talk and no sex I realized she was just a regular therapist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgmvtt/im_a_sex_addict_so_i_went_to_see_a_sex_therapist/
%
An optimist, a pessimist and a realist are standing next to each other.

The optimist sees light.
The pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel.
The realist sees a truck at the end of a tunnel.
The truck driver sees three idiots which he's about to run over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgmlc5/an_optimist_a_pessimist_and_a_realist_are/
%
Feb 14th, "Will you be my Valentine?"

March 14th, "Will you be my quarantine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgmjlo/feb_14th_will_you_be_my_valentine/
%
I ran into a beautiful woman who wanted to F*** me today...

I think her exact words were, "Sign up for this credit card..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgmih2/i_ran_into_a_beautiful_woman_who_wanted_to_f_me/
%
One man's trash is another man's treasure...

Wonderful saying, but a horrible way to find out you were adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgmakl/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
Stanley the snail

There is this Snail named Stanley.
On his 16th birthday he asks his dad for a new car
His dad says “yeah ok you’ve been a good snail”
So they go to the car dealership and they pick out a bright red sports car. But Stanley wants more, he wants everyone to think ,”that’s Stanley’s car”   So he gets his car detailed with the letter ‘S’ all around his car. S for Stanley.    One day Stanley’s car FLYS by   And it’s going super fast. And one guy says to the other “look at that S car go”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgm4or/stanley_the_snail/
%
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.

The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.
"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that's a win-win."
"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What do you do?" they asked.
"I'm a pickpocket," said the third man. "My doctor sent me here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fglzfv/three_men_met_on_a_nude_beach_two_of_the_three/
%
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Fucking everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fglank/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_when_they_die/
%
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?

You’re not alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgl83h/do_you_suffer_from_anxiety_that_an_intruder_may/
%
Did you know a group of piranhas can devour a child in 30 seconds?

Anyway I lost my job at the aquarium today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgl38s/did_you_know_a_group_of_piranhas_can_devour_a/
%
Okay, my humor is a bit dry, but enjoy? I guess? You probably won’t but eh, I don’t care.

So the president asked one of his advisers if there were any Walmart’s in Iran, but his advisor replies:
“Mr. President, there are no Walmart’s in Iran, only targets.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgkva7/okay_my_humor_is_a_bit_dry_but_enjoy_i_guess_you/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter. He isn’t coming either way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgku32/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
I failed an eye test the other day

I asked the doctor what that meant about my eyes
He said, "they don't look good"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgkr2l/i_failed_an_eye_test_the_other_day/
%
There are two types of people in this world...

...those who can be bothered to finish the sentence,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgkkd1/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
How do you get a woman to say "Yes"?

Ask her, "Am I bothering you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgjzsz/how_do_you_get_a_woman_to_say_yes/
%
This Corona virus is a blessing

My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened in my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgjzg0/this_corona_virus_is_a_blessing/
%
What's the difference between a 737-Max and the Corona Virus?

The Corona Virus is air born!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgjtj3/whats_the_difference_between_a_737max_and_the/
%
The coronavirus must be a nightmare for IT departments.

All TCP applications have to be converted to UDP to avoid handshakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgjpt7/the_coronavirus_must_be_a_nightmare_for_it/
%
I made a graph of my former relationships.

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgjps2/i_made_a_graph_of_my_former_relationships/
%
Why are toilet paper sales gone so high?

Because when 1 person coughs, 100 people shit themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgjoa2/why_are_toilet_paper_sales_gone_so_high/
%
“Weird Al” Yankovic on Tuesday rejected fans’ requests for a “My Corona” parody about the deadly coronavirus.

That would have gone viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgjjpi/weird_al_yankovic_on_tuesday_rejected_fans/
%
A man walks into a bar.

The bartender sees that the man has been beaten up badly, and asks “What happened to you?”
The man says to the bartender  “Well, I was having sex with my neighbors wife on her kitchen table, when we hear somebody come in the front door.  She says “Quick!  Try the back door. “   Now in hindsight I should have ran, but you just don’t get offers like that every day...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgjhrq/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The IRS decided to audit my Grandpa...

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his  attorney.
The auditor said,  “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time  employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m  not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned  auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s  attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go  double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars  that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket  on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and  decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so  he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his  pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach  the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over  the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he  has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney  moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me  he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars  that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be  happy about it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgjh95/the_irs_decided_to_audit_my_grandpa/
%
After a Coronavirus vaccine is developed

anti-vax people would need to make a very interesting choice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgjeua/after_a_coronavirus_vaccine_is_developed/
%
A woman and a man meet at a rapid dating service......

...The man sits down and says, “I’ve only got three questions.”
“OK,” replies the woman.
“Do you like to clean?” he asks.
“I love cleaning,” she replies.
“Great. Do you like to cook for other people?”
“I love to cook,” she says.
“Fantastic,” says the man. “OK, last question. Do you like sex?”
“I like it infrequently,” she replies.
The man then asks, “Is that one word or two?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgj8g8/a_woman_and_a_man_meet_at_a_rapid_dating_service/
%
A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”
“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?”
The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says to the counselor, “For years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
The counselor explains, “She says you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public—looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do on his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counselor smiles. “That just means you should stay out of trouble.
And,” he continued, “finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
“This,” says the husband, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed, and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “With his dying breath, he said, ‘Don’t screw up.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgj6ej/a_husband_and_wife_visit_a_marriage_counselor/
%
A man and a woman meet in the elevator of a high rise office building.

The woman asks for the 10th floor and tells the man she is going to donate blood. She says that she’s able to donate once a month and that she earns $10 each time.
The man laughs and says that he’s going to the 20th floor to donate his sperm. He tells her that he is able to donate every day during his lunch hour and that he earns $20 every day.
The next day the same man and same woman find themselves in the same elevator. The man says, “hey, are you going to donate blood again so soon?”
The woman shakes her head from side to side and mumbles, “muh muh”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgiw9i/a_man_and_a_woman_meet_in_the_elevator_of_a_high/
%
Did you know that Uranus can fit 63 earths?

Relax and we could probably squeeze in 64

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgiqby/did_you_know_that_uranus_can_fit_63_earths/
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What do a 9v battery and a woman's asshole have in common?

You know you shouldn't but eventually your tongue ends up on both

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgiqb0/what_do_a_9v_battery_and_a_womans_asshole_have_in/
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What’s the difference between an archeologist and a grave robber?

A grave robber doesn’t have a permit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgi89o/whats_the_difference_between_an_archeologist_and/
%
My girlfriend just told me I don’t have to wear condoms anymore!!

Because she met someone new

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgi65p/my_girlfriend_just_told_me_i_dont_have_to_wear/
%
Sorry, this is a long one, but one that should be known:

Your penis
Stay happy my friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fghz3n/sorry_this_is_a_long_one_but_one_that_should_be/
%
My mom told me to take the spider out instead of killing him

I took him out. we had a few drinks. He's a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fghwd3/my_mom_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead_of/
%
Coronavirus is like Visa

It's everywhere you want to be

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fghryw/coronavirus_is_like_visa/
%
If you ever publish a book, make sure it's a hard cover.

Otherwise, it will be tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fghryx/if_you_ever_publish_a_book_make_sure_its_a_hard/
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9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have
this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in
the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they
got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an
unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith,
do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about
9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed
about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why
do you ask?'
She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fghi6v/9_months_later/
%
Know what I hate?

Rhetorical questions, that's what I hate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fghagg/know_what_i_hate/
%
Did you hear about the masturbating crab?

He really came out of his shell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgh3v3/did_you_hear_about_the_masturbating_crab/
%
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour, what should I do?”

“Is this her first child?” he asked.
“No, this is her husband.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fggzvs/i_called_the_doctor_my_wife_is_going_into_labour/
%
My teacher said she'll call my dad and I couldn't be any happier

can't wait to meet him :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fggzlw/my_teacher_said_shell_call_my_dad_and_i_couldnt/
%
A father has three daughters of dating age

One Saturday night, he hears a knock on the door. He answers to see a young man, who says, "Hi I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The father nods and calls her down. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The father nods and calls his daughter. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Chuck..."
The father punches him in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fggush/a_father_has_three_daughters_of_dating_age/
%
I've got the worlds greatest wife

For our anniversary, she got me a life insurance policy and a trip to China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fggs5d/ive_got_the_worlds_greatest_wife/
%
My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry", said the midwife "they're just contractions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgghn4/my_wife_was_in_labour_and_started_shouting/
%
Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."
"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk away scot-free. However, you can no longer call Ms. Johnson a 'pig.' Understood?"
"Well... that doesn't seem fai- "
"-we can let this go to trial, you can spend thousands on lawyers, but if Ms. Johnson's attorneys can prove calling her a 'pig' leads to emotional damage, you'll end up owing a lot."
Dave paused. "OK, fine. Can I call a pig 'Ms. Johnson'?"
The judge looked over his notes. "Yes... you may call a pig 'Ms. Johnson' without fear of legal recourse."
Dave turned to Peggy and said "Good afternoon, Ms. Johnson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgggt8/peggy_johnson_was_suing_her_neighbor_dave_for/
%
What's the difference between a female crab and a dirty bus station?

One's a busty crustacean while the other is a crusty bus station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgg911/whats_the_difference_between_a_female_crab_and_a/
%
The only thing my Ex hasn't fucked

is off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgg6zx/the_only_thing_my_ex_hasnt_fucked/
%
Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgg36i/politicians_are_like_sperm/
%
An overweight guy is watching TV.

A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this, he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still, he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door is a hulking 300-pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgg1ij/an_overweight_guy_is_watching_tv/
%
I wanted to have a party at the library but they said no

They were fully booked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgfe77/i_wanted_to_have_a_party_at_the_library_but_they/
%
They: "Don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older?"

Me: "When I what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgfb8i/they_dont_you_think_youll_feel_embarrassed_by_all/
%
An Englishman’s wife goes on vacation

He goes down the pub celebrate with his mates and tells them that she’s gone for seven days to a tropical island.
One of his mates asks, “Jamaica?”
The man replies, “No—she wanted to go!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgfad5/an_englishmans_wife_goes_on_vacation/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar...

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. -
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgf9ua/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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Want to hear a MEAN joke?

Go to a statistician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgeugg/want_to_hear_a_mean_joke/
%
Google is a woman.

Cos it never lets you finish your sentence without offering a shit load of suggestions!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgeprv/google_is_a_woman/
%
I was getting trained as a cook in a chinese restaurant

Well, it was really more of a wok through

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgekpm/i_was_getting_trained_as_a_cook_in_a_chinese/
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What is a pirate's favourite element on the periodic table?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgeio5/what_is_a_pirates_favourite_element_on_the/
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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgeimj/10_husbands_still_a_virgin/
%
DARK humour

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods.
The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared.
" The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back ALONE."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgeg51/dark_humour/
%
Advanced doctors

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked.
"To the morgue," the doctor replied.
"What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!"
"And we're not there yet," the doctor said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgef89/advanced_doctors/
%
There was a protest going on in my town about how there is too much trash on the streets.

Litter rally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgeba9/there_was_a_protest_going_on_in_my_town_about_how/
%
The waiter had a spoon in his pocket

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgeb79/the_waiter_had_a_spoon_in_his_pocket/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ten.
One to blame men for creating the need for lightbulbs.
One to blame men for inventing such a substandard means of producing light.
One to blame men for the screwing part being too “Rapey”.
One to call the lightbulb itself sexist.
One to blame men for changing lightbulbs instead of letting women do it.
One to blame men for “forcing” women to change too many lightbulbs
One to advocate that part time woman light bulb changers should have wage parity with full time qualified men electricians.
One to blame men for creating a society where women are discouraged to change lightbulbs
One to post on Pinterest that women are now “out-lighbulbing” men, and that men are unnecessary.
The male feminist, to actually change the lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgeaqi/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
God in a parking lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgea4d/god_in_a_parking_lot/
%
What do you call a confused bee?

A may-bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fge7ye/what_do_you_call_a_confused_bee/
%
Me: Boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough

Boss: I'll give you a week off then
Me: Two wee coughs??? I can't afford to miss that much work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fge598/me_boss_i_cant_come_in_today_i_have_a_wee_cough/
%
Dad jokes are like Corona

Evererybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fge3tm/dad_jokes_are_like_corona/
%
I switched the labels on all my wife's spices.

I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fge0ww/i_switched_the_labels_on_all_my_wifes_spices/
%
For safety, if you're turning a power supply on at work, just say hey

Watts going on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgdlma/for_safety_if_youre_turning_a_power_supply_on_at/
%
I had a crush on the hot French exchange student...

When I finally got the nerve to ask her out... I don't know why, but she commented on my recent growth spurt. But her English wasn't good and I had to correct her. “No no,” I said, “there is no ‘ARE’ in the sentence. It is just ‘YOU ~~ARE~~ GREW SOME’."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgdev2/i_had_a_crush_on_the_hot_french_exchange_student/
%
i haven’t been the same since...

finding out that COVID-19 can be said in the same tune as “come on Eileen”...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgdelx/i_havent_been_the_same_since/
%
An Irish man walks into the pub

The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?”
The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says: “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
The man says: “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him: “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”
The man said: “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgd6ea/an_irish_man_walks_into_the_pub/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

It's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgd431/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
%
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgcz7t/why_did_the_wizard_seductively_kiss_his/
%
You see each country has its own currency

In the US they have the dollar
In the UK they have the pound
In the EU they have the euro
In Australia they have toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgctgs/you_see_each_country_has_its_own_currency/
%
What do you call a caviar taste test?

An Eggs-amination!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgcny1/what_do_you_call_a_caviar_taste_test/
%
That Awkward moment when you pay $2 for Evian water

and notice if spelled backwards your Naive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgcm9h/that_awkward_moment_when_you_pay_2_for_evian_water/
%
Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"
The wife chose to ignore the husband.
Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgckp0/glenn_and_his_wife_were_working_in_their_garden/
%
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.

She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgc948/i_asked_a_pretty_young_homeless_woman_if_i_could/
%
What do subreddits and Skyrim players have in common?

They're always looking for new mods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgc8mm/what_do_subreddits_and_skyrim_players_have_in/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg always have an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgc64m/why_does_snoop_dogg_always_have_an_umbrella/
%
PSA on Hoarding and Panic buying due to Covid-19

Due to the current pasta shortage, the government has asked people not to panic buy based to the actions of a fusilli individuals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgc5o6/psa_on_hoarding_and_panic_buying_due_to_covid19/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair...

Guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgc57o/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_stole_her/
%
Very offensive joke

I’ve always found this joke funny, as have many others but it is very offensive - you have been warned!
A creepy guy is sat in his car outside a primary school (elementary school in the US). As every kid leaves school he tried to lure them to his car but none take the bait.
Finally, one little boy walks over, and the creepy guy is super excited. Leaning out of the window he holds a bag of sweets and says:
“If I give you a sweet will you come in my car?”
The little boys eyes light up and he says:
“Give me the whole fucking bag and I’ll cum in your mouth!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgc4dy/very_offensive_joke/
%
How many dead baby’s do you need to fix a lightbulb

Apparently more than 11 cause my lightbulb is still broken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgc08f/how_many_dead_babys_do_you_need_to_fix_a_lightbulb/
%
What's the difference between Coronavirus and my dad?

Coronavirus only takes five days to appear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgbx4i/whats_the_difference_between_coronavirus_and_my/
%
Just viewed a house for sale entirely filled with mirrors.

I thought, I can really see myself living here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgbow8/just_viewed_a_house_for_sale_entirely_filled_with/
%
Hey, girl. Do you like dogs?

Because I'm small, hairy, and hung like a Border Terrior.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgblis/hey_girl_do_you_like_dogs/
%
Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.

They come with that Elon Musk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgb81k/teslas_dont_have_that_new_car_smell/
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The Bitter Truth!

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.
"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says.
"You already know how to play golf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgb4s8/the_bitter_truth/
%
What did Gold say to the periodic table?

Hey you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgamju/what_did_gold_say_to_the_periodic_table/
%
COVID-19 is like Pasta

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fgajr2/covid19_is_like_pasta/
%
What are the cleanest animals in the world?

Hygienas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fga8ol/what_are_the_cleanest_animals_in_the_world/
%
What do you call a cow floating above the ground?

A hoofercraft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg9py8/what_do_you_call_a_cow_floating_above_the_ground/
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Have you heard about the possible outbreak of the Coronavirus in the Amish community?

It was a false alarm, No fever, but people did get a little hoarse and buggy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg9o90/have_you_heard_about_the_possible_outbreak_of_the/
%
A friend told me that they read an article from a major health organization that Coronavirus is going to be worse than earlier reported.

“WHO said that?”
“Yes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg9m5o/a_friend_told_me_that_they_read_an_article_from_a/
%
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.
“No. I always give 110%”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg9m1s/at_a_job_interview_i_filled_my_glass_of_water/
%
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.

I shouldn't have named two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg9k6h/my_boyfriend_asked_me_if_i_wanted_a_threesome/
%
When the Chinese spoke about the future colonisation of the world

they probably meant coronisation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg9k33/when_the_chinese_spoke_about_the_future/
%
Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?

Well, you should’ve said something. I know I can hide better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg9gjr/do_you_ever_get_the_feeling_youre_being_watched/
%
What does the coronavirus do to jump to cows?

It moo-tates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg9f3p/what_does_the_coronavirus_do_to_jump_to_cows/
%
What does a global pandemic and an overworked lawyer have in common?

They’re both sick of new cases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg8o79/what_does_a_global_pandemic_and_an_overworked/
%
My date told me I shouldn't be using a straw...

Me: I know, I know. It's bad for the environment.
Them: No, it's just a really weird way to eat spaghetti...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg8cgf/my_date_told_me_i_shouldnt_be_using_a_straw/
%
What do you call food from a restaurant that doubles as a whorehouse?

Homade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg7t3f/what_do_you_call_food_from_a_restaurant_that/
%
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:

Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says,
'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead, and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg7r2z/three_aussie_blokes_working_up_on_an_outback/
%
"I am homesick"

"But this is your home"
"Yeah and I am sick of it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg7lni/i_am_homesick/
%
Dude1: Hey, what does coincidence mean?

Dude2: I don't know. But that's weird, that's what I'm thinking about, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg7g4o/dude1_hey_what_does_coincidence_mean/
%
Who's your true friend?

A doctor always secretly wishes you fall sick.
A lawyer secretly wishes you screw up and end up in legal trouble.
A plumber secretly wishes you have a leaking faucet.
An electrician secretly wishes that you have a trip circuit.
ONLY A THIEF, secretly wishes and prays that you become richer and richer, wealthier and prosper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg7b64/whos_your_true_friend/
%
Why are Australians stocking up on toilet paper in response to Coronavirus?

They think it will have a major impact down under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg6t54/why_are_australians_stocking_up_on_toilet_paper/
%
Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie....'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy.... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink..'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg6qnp/modern_day_cowboy/
%
If coronavirus was an STD

... would Reddit even know it existed?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg6c9n/if_coronavirus_was_an_std/
%
Have you guys seen the clown that hides from gay people?

Ye me neither.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg60mk/have_you_guys_seen_the_clown_that_hides_from_gay/
%
There was no food at the court hearing

Just ice was served

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg5ye0/there_was_no_food_at_the_court_hearing/
%
Japanese ninjas were historically required to wrap any gifts in the same cloth they used to cover their faces

They had to mask their presents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg5vvi/japanese_ninjas_were_historically_required_to/
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Three old admirals

After a tour of the nation's newest carriers and submarine,the three admirals got together to make small talk where it got to the topic of their wives.
"I'm a three star admiral and when we get rubbing together, it takes me up to half mast and need to play 'anchors aweigh' to get full.  So it more of 50%  work, 50 % pleasure when we get around to it."
"Try being a four star admiral, I had to submerge myself in seawater in order to to half mast and have her come down like a submarine in order to get full. Its  80% work, 20% pleasure"
"I'm a Fleet admiral and got you both beat, I need to put on my admiral`s hat and order my wife like a sailor and have the tableware at as sailors before we get to half mast and won't go any further.  Its 90% work, 10% pleasure."
Then they notice a young corpsman trying his damndest not to listen or get noticed,  " Suppose because you're young, its 100% pleasure for you."
"Yes sir, yes it is......."  once out of earshot, "if its work, you'll order anyone to do it for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg5owg/three_old_admirals/
%
I don't often tell Dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg5g2p/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
%
What keeps going down and never goes up?

My will to live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg540h/what_keeps_going_down_and_never_goes_up/
%
There once was a wise old man...

There once was a wise old man in a village. Old beyond memory, he channeled the knowledge of nature and the divine for his fellow townsfolk.
Many came to him with questions, until one day he took a vow of silence, shuttering his open door. Instead, he turned to his untended field. He would work the land, pushing his own plow, forgoing a horse. After years in silence, his hands grown tough from seasons of sowing, his old bones gave out. He collapsed in silence in his field, before eventually being found by the townsfolk.
He was quickly brought by the townsfolk to the local doctor. The townsfolk held their breath as they left him alone with the wise old man, hoping that he would be able to help a mute.
A few moments later, the doctor emerged from the house, grabbing a small section of cloth, tearing it up, and inserting it in each nostril. The townsfolk, concerned, asked what was wrong.
The doctor replied, "The super calloused fragile mystic reeks of halitosis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg53xk/there_once_was_a_wise_old_man/
%
Because of COVID19...

We will be converting all TCP applications to UDP to avoid handshakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg4w11/because_of_covid19/
%
A Englishman, a Frenchman and an American go on a safari in the jungle.

Sadly, they get lost and are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The head cannibal says, “Sorry guys, we have to follow our traditional. That means that we’re going to kill you, cook you, eat you and make canoes from your skin. But we’re not all bad - we’ll let you choose how you die.”
So the Englishman asks for a pistol. He puts it to his head, yells “God Save the Queen!” and shoots.
The Frenchman asks for a sword. He puts it to his neck, yells “Vive La France!” and decapitates himself.
The American man asks for a fork. They’re surprised, but they give it to him. Immediately, he starts stabbing himself all over with the fork. Face, arms, legs, torso, everywhere. Blood starts trickling out all over. The head cannibal asks, ”What the hell are you doing?!”
The American replies, ”Good luck with my canoe, assholes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg4vn6/a_englishman_a_frenchman_and_an_american_go_on_a/
%
I had a dream I was swimming in a sea of orange soda.

It was my Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg4bw0/i_had_a_dream_i_was_swimming_in_a_sea_of_orange/
%
I found a new hobby! It's autoerotique asphyxiation.

I'm so excited, I can hardly breathe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg49o0/i_found_a_new_hobby_its_autoerotique_asphyxiation/
%
Did you hear about the guy who drowned his boss in soda?

It was done out of pure Sprite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg434m/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_drowned_his_boss/
%
Due to the corona virus...

The 5 second rule has now been reduced to the 3 second rule.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg3yex/due_to_the_corona_virus/
%
Replace the negative with the positive.......

and next time put the battery in right the first time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg3y1g/replace_the_negative_with_the_positive/
%
A catholic, jew and a muslim are talking.

The catholic says: "Hmmm, I wonder what'll happen in 2030..."
The muslim follows with: "Dude, why are you going so far into the future? It's still like 700 years till 2030..."
The jew finishes with: "...Guys? What are you talking about? 2030 was like, I dunno, 3000 years ago?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg3xzf/a_catholic_jew_and_a_muslim_are_talking/
%
I really hope coronavirus can't spread through sex

It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg3rta/i_really_hope_coronavirus_cant_spread_through_sex/
%
If you were born in mid September you're not a Virgo,

You're a Christmas present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg3o38/if_you_were_born_in_mid_september_youre_not_a/
%
What do you call a group of disabled people in a hot tub?

Vegetable soup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg3n3u/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_disabled_people_in_a/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

You thteer it into an itheburg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg3lff/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
What do you call a machine used to predict the answer of a mathematical question before it has been proposed?

A calcuearlier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg3b6k/what_do_you_call_a_machine_used_to_predict_the/
%
Two truck drivers

are talking. Driver 1 says “when I get home I’m going to rip my wife’s panties off!”
Driver 2 days “wow! You must be really horny”
Driver 1: No, they’re riding up my ass!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg2vvo/two_truck_drivers/
%
A gay man, a jew, and a black woman walk into a bar

What a fine example of an integrated community.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg2vnf/a_gay_man_a_jew_and_a_black_woman_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.

The rabbit says, “I might be a typo.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg29qz/a_priest_a_rabbit_and_a_minister_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint...

While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent.
"Twenty four!" He calls out, before sitting back down, to which the establishment reacts with laughing and smirking.
Bewildered, but accepting hes foreign to the culture the tourist contiues with his drink, when he realises that another regular has stood up, again to silence.
"Fourty one!" The pub again was filled with the laughter and giggling of those who understood what was going on.
Even more confused, the tourist called over the bartender and asked what on earth was going on.
"Oh, that." The bartender responded. "The locals her are all so familiar with each other that when they say jokes  they don't need to repeat the whole thing. Each joke has a number and they just say that."
"Really?" The tourist was impressed. "Do you think I could try?"
"Of course, you've seen how it's done."
Nervous, the tourist got to his feet, unsure of what to say. Silence exaggerated his anxiety.
"Ninety three!" He called out, to which the pub exploded with laughter.
People were rolling on the floor and choking on their drinks with laughter.
The tourist hadn't expected such a great response, he leaned over the bar amidst the noise and said to the barman: "Why was the reaction so crazy?"
The barman replied: "It's been a while since the folk here have been told a joke they haven't heard before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg27av/a_tourist_in_ireland_goes_into_a_local_pub_and/
%
Old Timers

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence
and I made love to you.'
Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks..
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises
and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg20yv/old_timers/
%
Blondes are tired of people making fun of them.

Blondes across the world set up a convention to prove to everyone that they aren’t dumb. Thousands show up.
The main event begins. The announcer on stage goes, “We are tired of people thinking we’re dumb, so we’re here to prove everyone wrong!”
He points to a random blonde woman in the crowd. “Come up here! We’re gonna ask you a question to prove we’re not dumb.” The cloud erupted in claps and woos.
The woman gets up to the microphone. The announcer says, “Alright, I’m going to ask you one question what is 2+2?”
The crowd was silent. The woman on stage was shaking and thinking. After a few seconds, she puts her head to the microphone and says, “43?”
The crowd sighed and went, “ooh.” Somewhere in the crowd, a chant starts up- “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”
The announcer says, “Alright, alright, we’ll give her another chance. One more time, what’s 2+2?”
The woman thought for another few seconds. She went up to the microphone and said, “14?”
The crowd did it again. Faster, the chant started up again- “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”
“Alright, one last time,” the announcer said. “What is 2+2?”
The woman thought for a long while. Finally, she said, “4?”
The crowd immediately started chanting again. “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg1zxu/blondes_are_tired_of_people_making_fun_of_them/
%
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg1x98/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
Spent 45 mins on the treadmill this morning

Tomorrow I'll try it turning it on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg1vud/spent_45_mins_on_the_treadmill_this_morning/
%
Corona virus is much like pasta

Invented by the Chinese.
Spread by the Italians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg1mwd/corona_virus_is_much_like_pasta/
%
Let me tell you something

Three people have sex : threesome
Four people have sex : foursome
Redditor : handsome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg1ird/let_me_tell_you_something/
%
Why did the pirate love his report card?

He got seven C's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg1g99/why_did_the_pirate_love_his_report_card/
%
I really dislike gossipers

They discuss me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg1ec8/i_really_dislike_gossipers/
%
Did you hear that New York State developed its own hand sanitizer to combat COVID?

They filled small bottles with water from the Hudson River. That stuff can kill anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg15x8/did_you_hear_that_new_york_state_developed_its/
%
Makes perfect sense to me that everyone is panic buying toilet roll because of the Coronavirus...

One sneeze and everyone shits themselves!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg150q/makes_perfect_sense_to_me_that_everyone_is_panic/
%
There’s a new type of weed out there that causes diarrhoea...

Now I can’t decide whether to shit or get off the pot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg14r2/theres_a_new_type_of_weed_out_there_that_causes/
%
Whoever stole my antidepressants

I hope you’re happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg0waj/whoever_stole_my_antidepressants/
%
I’m done trying to make a belt from old watches

Waist of time..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg0g09/im_done_trying_to_make_a_belt_from_old_watches/
%
A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”
“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”
“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their intestines?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg0952/a_mom_shark_is_teaching_her_son_how_to_hunt/
%
What do you call fast cunnilingous?

Lickety split.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg05v2/what_do_you_call_fast_cunnilingous/
%
Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"
"Never tell a lie."
"I don't lie. Go away."
Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"
"Listen to the people."
"I know what I'm doing. I listen to the best people. The best ones."
Last night, while down at Mar-a-Lago, he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
"Hey, Abe, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"
"Go see a play."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg01a4/three_days_ago_in_the_midst_of_the_coronavirus/
%
I walked in on My girlfriend doing a handstand naked.

I asked her what she was doing.
She said "Well if you can't get it up, you might be able to drop it in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fg00pv/i_walked_in_on_my_girlfriend_doing_a_handstand/
%
I saw a midget escaping prison and climbing over the wall

It was a little condescending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffzwqx/i_saw_a_midget_escaping_prison_and_climbing_over/
%
What type of music do avocados listen to?

Guac & Roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffyvs6/what_type_of_music_do_avocados_listen_to/
%
How do you say 'what's up dawg ' in Japanese

Konichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffyj1c/how_do_you_say_whats_up_dawg_in_japanese/
%
So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, "I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!"

The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, "I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffy87a/so_a_couple_of_farmers_are_standing_around/
%
The principal said that he will call my dad.

Can't wait to see him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffy6wj/the_principal_said_that_he_will_call_my_dad/
%
NSFW

### NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter
Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?
Man: No, she just lays there like her mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffxu98/nsfw/
%
If Poly means many then...

Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffxqtf/if_poly_means_many_then/
%
Why don't pacifists like the symphony?

Because of all the violins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffxjmk/why_dont_pacifists_like_the_symphony/
%
I heard the flights to China are super cheap

They might be as low as Tencent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffxfd0/i_heard_the_flights_to_china_are_super_cheap/
%
"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent soon," the Scottish pilot announced, as he took a hit and passed the joint to his copilot.

The copilot shakes his head. "Look, I'm not gonna rat you out to air traffic control," he says. "But please, *please* stop asking me to call you 'The Highlander.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffx1y6/ladies_and_gentlemen_we_will_begin_our_descent/
%
A poor philosopher walks up to a pimp and says...

"A penny for your thots."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffx0eg/a_poor_philosopher_walks_up_to_a_pimp_and_says/
%
Two Asian men walked into a restaurant and immediately started masturbating...

The waitress was shocked and asked them why they were doing this. To this, one of the guy's replied, "It's written outside, 'First come, first serve'. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffx0c2/two_asian_men_walked_into_a_restaurant_and/
%
The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffwwsh/the_cdc_is_recommending_people_bump_elbows/
%
Who are all these guys named Victor?

And why are we trusting them to write history?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffwwqv/who_are_all_these_guys_named_victor/
%
I have a 24 pack of Aldi toilet rolls

Looking to swap for a 4 bedroom house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffwvwx/i_have_a_24_pack_of_aldi_toilet_rolls/
%
I was going to make a joke about Sodium and Hydrogen..

But NaH.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffwr9n/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_sodium_and/
%
Kid at my school, running for class president:

"Hello, everyone please stand up."
*we stand up*
"Okay, you can sit down again now."
*we sit down*
"That was to show that i have power over you. Vote for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffwlqq/kid_at_my_school_running_for_class_president/
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I would tell you guys a joke about Jonestown...

But the punchline falls dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffwhvp/i_would_tell_you_guys_a_joke_about_jonestown/
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Little Billy came home from school to see

the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"  "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffweyd/little_billy_came_home_from_school_to_see/
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffwbj5/a_man_escapes_from_prison_where_he_has_been_for/
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Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffwae2/why_did_the_wizard_seductively_kiss_his_date_a/
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There are 500 bricks on a plane, and one falls off. How many are left?

499.
What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put an elephant in, close fridge.
What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
The giraffe because he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely, how?
The alligators are all at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffw5qp/there_are_500_bricks_on_a_plane_and_one_falls_off/
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Atheism

A non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffw0lm/atheism/
%
A gambler is down on his luck and pleads with God.

A gambler is down on his luck and pleads with God one night after losing almost everything he had at the casino.
"God what have I done to deserve this, my wife left me, I've lost my job, I don't know what to do please help me." he says.
God suddenly appears in front of him and says "Son don't worry I'll tell you what to do and all your problems will be solved."
"You have to get every last dollar that you have left, go to Las Vegas and put it on one blackjack hand."
The gambler, awe-stricken, obliged and went to the bank, got every last Penny and went to Vegas.
He sits down at the first table he sees and puts down all his money.
"Don't worry" god says "It'll all be ok".
The dealer gives him 18 and God tells the gambler to hit.
The gambler knows he shouldn't but obliges since it's god.
The dealer gives him a 2, and the god tells the gambler to hit once again.
"That's insane I have 20" says the gambler, but god says "Trust me son".
And so the gambler says alright and gets another card.
The dealer gives him a 5 and he's now over.
The gambler, perplexed, looks up.
God goes "Fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffvyab/a_gambler_is_down_on_his_luck_and_pleads_with_god/
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What do you call it when a snake can't slither?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffvsm3/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_snake_cant_slither/
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Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side.
Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"
Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffvnwg/einstein_newton_and_pascal_decide_to_play/
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A special talking koala was making his way from Australia to New York.

He wandered down a back alley one day and saw a sexy lady in heels and a short skirt smoking a cigarette.
She was shocked when he asked her for one of her cigarettes. "Omg you can talk?"
After talking she invited him inside and before she knew it he was up her skirt and performed cunnilingus in ways she could never have imagined. As soon as she had her last orgasm he scurried toward the door.
She called to stop him. "Wait that'll be $100!"
He looked at her confused.
She said, "I am a prostitute."
Again a confused look. So she grabbed an old dictionary, flipped through the pages to P.
“See right here, prostitute, someone who does sexual favors for money"
He responded, yeah but I am a koala Bear.
Confused she flips the pages back to K and reads.
“Koala Bear: little furry animal that eats bushes and leaves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffvf93/a_special_talking_koala_was_making_his_way_from/
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Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffveyg/why_dont_vegetarians_moan_during_sex/
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What do you call two burger buns that came out of the oven stuck to each other?

Sesamese twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffv4v9/what_do_you_call_two_burger_buns_that_came_out_of/
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I've been jacking it all day and boy are my arms tired.

Being a car mechanic sure is rough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffv0xx/ive_been_jacking_it_all_day_and_boy_are_my_arms/
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I asked a Chernobyl survivor if he wanted to listen to a fun story,

He said he was all ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffuy1n/i_asked_a_chernobyl_survivor_if_he_wanted_to/
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A woman goes to a tattoo parlor to get her two favorite musicians on her inner thighs...

The tattoo artist finishes up and she is ELATED to see a picture-perfect tattoo of John Lennon on her left inner-thigh and Paul McCartney on her right.
As she walks out, she is so excited to share her new artwork that she goes up to the first person she sees; an old, homeless, wino sitting in front of the liquor store.
In her excitement, before she could realize that the man was blind, she dropped her drawers and asked the man:
“Sir, can you tell me which tattoo is Paul McCartney and which is John Lennon?”
“Honey”, he replies. “I’m not sure which is which but the one in the middle with the bad breath has GOT to be Willie Nelson.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffuwbk/a_woman_goes_to_a_tattoo_parlor_to_get_her_two/
%
Two teenagers are on a date...

The date is going well, and after some making out towards the end of the evening, the guy asks if he can get a blowjob. "I'm sorry, but if I do that for you I feel like you won't respect me after" she says.  After a year and a half of dating, they get married. On their wedding night, the new husband asks if he can finally get a blowjob. "I'm sorry, I feel like if I give you a blowjob, you'll stop respecting me". After 20 years of marriage, the husband musters up the courage again to request oral. He pleads with his wife " honey, we've been married for 2 decades, and have 3 beautiful children. I couldn't possibly respect you any more. Could I please get a blowjob?". Despite not wanting to do it, the wife reluctantly agrees and finally gives her husband a blowjob. Blissfully laying in bed afterwards, the couple hears the phone ring. The husband turns to the wife and says "answer that you cocksucker"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffuqsz/two_teenagers_are_on_a_date/
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Doing math after years out of school is like riding a bike

It's no fun when you run into something hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffu45v/doing_math_after_years_out_of_school_is_like/
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Why do old people read the bible so much?

Studying for the test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffu3dw/why_do_old_people_read_the_bible_so_much/
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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket, and thinks:

"Some asshole has my pen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fftzvp/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_front/
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I got it for my wife.

A man is heading home from work one day and stops to buy his wife a bottle of wine, as it was their wedding anniversary. As he's heading home from the store, he sees an old native American man walking on the roadside carrying a gas can.
He stops and offers a ride, which the old man gladly accepts. As they're driving along, the native American notices the bottle of wine.
"What's the wine for?" He asks.
"Oh, I got it for my wife." the driver answers.
The old man nods approvingly, "Hm. Good trade."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fftyal/i_got_it_for_my_wife/
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What do you call a breakdancer with dwarfism?

A midget spinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fftvg3/what_do_you_call_a_breakdancer_with_dwarfism/
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Upon arriving in hell, you’re surprised to find a clerk asking you “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

“Oh, that’s an easy one.”
The clerk looked at me, skeptical.
“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”
“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”
“Well, that’s a pretty strong allegiance... sure you don’t want to consider the other options?”
“Oh I will... when hell freezes over.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fftsy9/upon_arriving_in_hell_youre_surprised_to_find_a/
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I told my friends about the guy who ended up electrocuting his entire family

Everyone was shocked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fftoys/i_told_my_friends_about_the_guy_who_ended_up/
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An infinite amount of mathematics walks to the bar.

First orders 1 beer. Second orders half of beer. Third orders 1/4 of beer. Another orders 1/8 of beer. It goes on for a while and than bartender says: "guys you're really idiots." And bring them 2 beers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fftk6h/an_infinite_amount_of_mathematics_walks_to_the_bar/
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The earth was flat...

Until they buried yomama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fftgze/the_earth_was_flat/
%
I was going to make a good chemistry joke..

but all ARGON

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fftdlq/i_was_going_to_make_a_good_chemistry_joke/
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Two brothers own a painting company

They make their money by mixing paint with water, painting houses, and getting out of town before their clients realise what's wrong. They do this for years and make a financial killing. But one night, while they are painting a house, it starts to rain. The paint starts washing off of the wall as they frantically try and climb down their ladders to get out of there. All of a sudden, the skies open up, a bright light appears and says "repaint, and thin no more!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fftcoe/two_brothers_own_a_painting_company/
%
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fftc7f/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you?
"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.
"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut.
As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him.
"Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us?" "You should go outside and help the poor man."
Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?"
In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes Please."
"Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fft4oq/a_couple_is_asleep_when_their_doorbell_rings_at/
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Not Bragging

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fft3oj/not_bragging/
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Your essays should be like a girls skirt.

Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and on the desk by Friday midnight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fft3k5/your_essays_should_be_like_a_girls_skirt/
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My husband dies and i want a funeral

So i go to the nearest cemetary and discuss the arrangements, i remember that my husband wabted to be burried in a fine black suit. So i give the clerk 100$ to go get a nice black suit for the funeral.
The funeral happens and he is burried in a extraordinary black suit. I ask the clerk how he got such a nice suit with only 100$. He says "oh, you can have the money back." This startled me, "how did you get it?", "there was another person who died in that suit, and he wanted to be burried in a blue suit" he said. "So it was very simple... i switched the heads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffswi3/my_husband_dies_and_i_want_a_funeral/
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Saudi Arabia opened it's first nightclub last year, but no women are allowed

Turns out Saudi Arabia is the most progressive country in the Middle East since it has the region's only gay bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffsuvm/saudi_arabia_opened_its_first_nightclub_last_year/
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The idea of bringing a woman to only work in the kitchen is offensive

The rest of the house needs to be cleaned aswell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffss2l/the_idea_of_bringing_a_woman_to_only_work_in_the/
%
‪In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo..

‪All the other paintball players started freaking out though..‬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffsnvv/in_the_middle_of_the_battle_i_decided_to_use_a/
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A Jew goes to confession

An old man goes to confession. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. “Maybe 22,” he says. “A gorgeous blonde. I started lusting, Father.”
“Yes,” “Lust is a dangerous sin.” says the priest!
“There’s more,” says the man. “We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours.”
The priest pauses. “And how long has it been since your last confession?”
“I’ve never come. This is my first.”
“How is this your first confession?”
“I’m Jewish.”
“Then… why are you telling me all this?”
“Telling you? I’m telling everyone!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffsig3/a_jew_goes_to_confession/
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Knock Knock

Who's there?
Grandad
QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffsi9a/knock_knock/
%
My friend Robbie shocked and hurt me. He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend!

It totally ruined our bath!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffsgzt/my_friend_robbie_shocked_and_hurt_me_he_told_me/
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Oof

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffsfix/oof/
%
The kindergartener who pissed in a cats ear

This little kindergartener runs into school and yells “Miss! Miss! There’s a dead cat outside!”
And she goes “well how do you know it’s dead?”
And he goes “well I pissed in it’s ear and it didn’t move so it must be dead.”
And she goes into shock, “Oh my god! You did what? You pissed in the dead cats ear?”
And the boy responds confused, “Yeah Miss, I bent down and put my lips to its ear and whispered ‘pssst’ and it wouldn’t move!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffsd6t/the_kindergartener_who_pissed_in_a_cats_ear/
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Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees

Chuck Norris will be 80 in a few hours so post your best Chuck Norris Jokes in the comments!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffsarh/chuck_norris_doesnt_eat_honey_he_chews_bees/
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Due to COVID-19, North Korea has shut down all of its air and railway routes across its borders with China, and is keeping all foreigners arriving in the country via China isolated for up to one month.

TIL People are trying to get into North Korea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffs8hg/due_to_covid19_north_korea_has_shut_down_all_of/
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Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffs5ns/yesterday_i_purchased_a_world_mapgave_my_wife_a/
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waiting for the train

Two men are waiting for a train. The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks, “Why won’t you answer me when I ask you for the time. The older man sighs and explains: “Look, if I tell you the time, we’ll start to talk. Then when the train comes, you might sit down next to me. Perhaps we’ll get to know each other, and maybe I’ll eventually invite you to my house for Shabbat dinner. Maybe then you and my daughter would really get along – why, you might even get engaged! And why would I want a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffrz9q/waiting_for_the_train/
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Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would it be

Easy.
Harvey Weinstein. Dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffrvks/someone_asked_me_if_i_could_have_dinner_with_any/
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A man Goes to a Wizard for penis enlargement.

He crossed many rivers and oceans and finally reached to said location. There he saw a huge mountain he reached the top and saw the Wizard there..
Man :  Hey i suppose you are that famous Wizard that can increase my Dick size?
Wizard : Yes, take these medicines and take them regularly.
*He then gives him some medicines*
Man : Did you try it yourself? how do I know it works?
Wizard : uhh.. what can i say do you remember that mountain you climbed?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffroru/a_man_goes_to_a_wizard_for_penis_enlargement/
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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.
Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.
Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.
Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.
Strength is smacking the shit out of the dumbass who put tomato in the fruit salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffrfos/intelligence_is_knowing_that_a_tomato_is_a_fruit/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffr1j9/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_decide_to_go_on_a/
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Humans are like slugs

They probably serve some purpose but you don't exactly know what.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffr0k2/humans_are_like_slugs/
%
A drunk walks into a packed bar, holds his wallet in the air, and says, "A round of your finest for everyone in the house! And pour one for yourself, bartender!"

So the bartender pours a drink for everyone in the place, and downs a shot for himself. Then he says to the guy, "That'll be $250, buddy."
The guy says, "I don't have any fuckin' money."
The bartender leaps over the bar, beats the man half to death, and throws him out in the alley out back.
The next night the same drunk comes in again. "A round of your finest, for everyone in the house!" he says.
The bartender sneers at him, "What!? No shot for *me* this time!?" he says.
"No way," the man says. "You get mean when you drink!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffqw8b/a_drunk_walks_into_a_packed_bar_holds_his_wallet/
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Justice is a dish best served cold

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffqvqg/justice_is_a_dish_best_served_cold/
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A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of the finest whiskey...

The bartender lines them and the guy downs them one after another within 30 seconds.
"Wow," says the bartender. "You sure chugged those fast."
"You'd drink fast, too, if you had what I had!" the guy says.
"What's that?" the bartender asks.
"Thirty-five cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffqu9e/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_12_shots_of_the/
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A husband and wife were having problems...

A husband and wife were having problems and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their breakup.
The judge asked the husband,"What had brought you to this point where you are unable to keep this marriage together?"
The husband replied,"In the six weeks  we have been together, we have not been able to agree on a single thing."
"Seven weeks!", the wife said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffqqmx/a_husband_and_wife_were_having_problems/
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I hate people who take drugs.

The DEA is the worst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffqpxr/i_hate_people_who_take_drugs/
%
A travelling salesman drives through a small town he's never been to before...

He pulls up at the gas station where an old Native America man is sitting. The salesman walks up and says, "How!"
"Hello," the old Native guy says.
"What's your story?" the salesman asks.
"I have the world's greatest memory. I never forget a thing."
"Oh really?" the salesman says. "Well, what did you have for breakfast on March 9, 1963?"
The old Native guy says, "On March 9, 1963, I had eggs for breakfast."
"Sure," the salesman says. "That doesn't prove anything. Everybody has eggs for breakfast." And the guy gets in his car and drives off.
Twenty-five years pass. He builds a successful business, gets married, has kids, loses his wife to cancer, and sends his kids off to college. Then one day he loses everything. He decides to go back out on the road as a salesman again.
By chance, he happens to drive through that same small town. He sees the same Native man still sitting in front of the gas station. He walks up and says, "How."
The old native man says, "Scrambled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffqpm9/a_travelling_salesman_drives_through_a_small_town/
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Just found out that my old 3rd grade teacher is now doing time in prison for sexually assaulting a student.

I gotta say, he always rubbed me the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffqn0o/just_found_out_that_my_old_3rd_grade_teacher_is/
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What happens when the devil goes bald?

...there's hell toupe!
\&nbsp;
I know, I know, but it came from my 12 year old and I thought it was pretty clever and "risque" for that age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffqec9/what_happens_when_the_devil_goes_bald/
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Why did the condom fly across the room?

He was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffq6f9/why_did_the_condom_fly_across_the_room/
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What do you say to an Aussie that ran out of toilet paper?

B'day mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffq389/what_do_you_say_to_an_aussie_that_ran_out_of/
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What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's Cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffpgxg/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
%
Things you can say about a Home, But not your spouse.

You can fit a family of 4 in there! even the in laws!
Just come in the back door it's no big deal.
Dangit we got another leak....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffpg84/things_you_can_say_about_a_home_but_not_your/
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Look, if we're gonna get full-on racist about where the corona virus came from

we might as well call it the Kung Flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffpag8/look_if_were_gonna_get_fullon_racist_about_where/
%
My neighbour knocked on my door at 3am this morning. 3AM!!

Lucky for him I was still up playing the Tuba!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffp8h8/my_neighbour_knocked_on_my_door_at_3am_this/
%
My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian.

So I immediately broke up with her. It may come across as judgmental, but really, I’ve only ever known and loved her as Christine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffoxx1/my_girlfriend_admitted_to_me_she_was_once_a/
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Two scientists walk into a bar

The first one says, "I'll have a H2O!
The second one says, "I'll have a H2O too!"
He died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffoq35/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
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A Frog walks into a bank

And introduces himself to the teller, Patricia Whack. He says “Hello Mrs Whack, my name is Kermit Jagger, I am the son of Mick Jagger who is a friend of the manager at this bank. On behalf of my father, I would like to make a $1 million loan.”
Patricia says “For a loan that large we’ll need some collateral”
To which Kermit replies “This should suffice” and places a small, porcelain elephant encrusted with jewels. Patricia says
“I’ll take this back to the manager and we’ll decide on this loan”
Patricia takes it back and shows it to the manager who exclaims
“It’s a knick knack Patty Whack give the frog a loan! His old man’s a rolling stone!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffoovl/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank/
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A man got mocked and bullied all of his life because he had a girl’s name.

He got married and was so happy that someone treated him normally.
His wife had a baby girl, who she named Love, in honor of their love and his unique name.
She was also mocked and bullied at school.
One day she couldn’t take it anymore. Love shot her dad in the chest and screamed “why did you give me such a stupid name?”
She ran away, leaving him laying on the floor.
Her mom came in there, saw him, and started crying. “What happened?! Who did this?”
He asked her to come closer. He could hardly move and whispered in her ear,
I was shot through the heart, and you’re to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffocj1/a_man_got_mocked_and_bullied_all_of_his_life/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffobvh/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
%
A father and son are walking home from the park one day...

The son happens to glance off and sees two dogs having sex. The son asks,"Dad, what are those two dogs doing over there?"
Not wanting to tell his son about the birds and the bees he tells him,"Well son, isn't it obvious? That dog must have hurt his leg and the other one is helping him home."
His son fires back,"Wouldn't you know it Dad?You go to help a friend out like that and all they can do is fuck you in the ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffoa2n/a_father_and_son_are_walking_home_from_the_park/
%
Which nut is most expensive?

The cashew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffo0qi/which_nut_is_most_expensive/
%
I'm positive that there's something slightly off about the sound of this theremin...

...but I just can't put my finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffnwqt/im_positive_that_theres_something_slightly_off/
%
Today is the 69th day of the decade

no joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffnw0i/today_is_the_69th_day_of_the_decade/
%
The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so

They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.
They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.
They will get to meat of it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffnp0q/the_democrats_are_having_trouble_gaining_traction/
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I think my wife is a time traveler

I've seen that doctors are saying you should avoid close physical contact to stop the spread of coronavirus.  Somehow she knew about this years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffnovl/i_think_my_wife_is_a_time_traveler/
%
At a bar, my friend made an astounding pool shot.

I asked how he did it. He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."
After he finished destroying me at pool, we were playing darts and he hit nothing but bullseyes. I was pretty pissed. I asked, "Lemme guess. A line like magic?" He nodded.
That was it for me. I went back to the bar and started drinking while my buddy stayed playing darts for money.
Later that night, he got the shit kicked out of him right in front of the dart board. Guessing his competitors thought his advantage was as unfair as I did, I asked him, "What happened?" He replied, "There's no punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffn8fu/at_a_bar_my_friend_made_an_astounding_pool_shot/
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My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them... they’re imaginary too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffn613/my_friends_laughed_at_me_when_i_told_them_i_had_a/
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A thief was arrested for stealing the world’s finest perfume.

It was a *fragrant violation* of the law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffn45r/a_thief_was_arrested_for_stealing_the_worlds/
%
A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door...

...and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline." Have you ever used the product?'
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time,"
The researcher then asks, "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffn2ad/a_man_doing_market_research_for_vaseline_knocked/
%
A man decides to buy a parrot

A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot.
The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000."
Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high price for a bird.
"Well you see this is a special parrot, it can answer the phone and make appointments for you."
The man is very impressed by this but decides to look at the other two as well.
"This one here goes for $20,000 since it is excellent at sales and will actually make money for you."
Astounded at the skills of these birds the man can hardly wait to find out about the final parrot.
"Lastly this parrot is priced at $50,000."
The man is practically knocked over by this outlandish price and asks what it does that could possibly make it worth so much money.
"I don't know but the other two call it boss."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffmxmr/a_man_decides_to_buy_a_parrot/
%
What did the alien with a vegetable fetish say?

I cum in peas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffmv44/what_did_the_alien_with_a_vegetable_fetish_say/
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Leo the Lion was the king of the jungle, and had a strange obsession of

collecting thrones.  He had dozens of thrones that he was very proud of, and he stored them on the second floor of his grass hut.
Sadly, on day, the weight from all those thrones was too great for the grass hut and they all crashed through the floor onto Leo, killing him.
The moral of the story is:
*People who live in grass huts shouldn't stow thrones.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffmulb/leo_the_lion_was_the_king_of_the_jungle_and_had_a/
%
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that...

...he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets.
"Was I smiling?" Trump asked.
"I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffmlwr/a_senior_west_wing_staffer_told_trump_that/
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What's the difference between a redneck divorce and a tornado?

Nothing. Either way the trailer's gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffmkan/whats_the_difference_between_a_redneck_divorce/
%
Why don't people in hell ever ask questions?

It's best to just infer, no?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffmj50/why_dont_people_in_hell_ever_ask_questions/
%
They found a new symptom that can identify Coronavirus.

The sudden urge to travel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffmffe/they_found_a_new_symptom_that_can_identify/
%
Life lesson

Have you ever wondered why before sex both people help each other undress, but after sex each person dresses up individually?
Life lesson: in life nobody will help you when you're screwed, and if someone does help you it's only to screw you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffmdyp/life_lesson/
%
How is a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery guy the same?

They can smell it, but they can’t eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffmarw/how_is_a_gynaecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_guy/
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(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..

What a bunch of sick fucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffm04h/nsfw_coronavirus_porn_is_going_viral_on_pornhub/
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Just be thankful COVID-19 wasn't instead named East Asian Respiratory Syndrome.

"Dude, don't touch her. She has EARS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fflwx0/just_be_thankful_covid19_wasnt_instead_named_east/
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According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fflw54/according_to_my_therapist_i_have_extreme_trouble/
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Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident?

He's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fflukq/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_lost_his_left_arm/
%
What did the monster eat right after their teeth cleaning?

The dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffltan/what_did_the_monster_eat_right_after_their_teeth/
%
A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it.  However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.
The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was.  His friend said he liked cheese too so to grab him one next time he was in.
The next day a man bought himself another of the mystery cheeses and also got his friend one, but his friend couldn't pinpoint what it was either. The supervisor said he was a cheese expert so he'd figure it out.
The following day the man, his friend, and the supervisor sat eating their cheese but were none the wiser.
By now word was spreading of the mysterious but tasty new babybel and couple of other co workers wanted to try it so the next day all five of them say around discussing the snack.  Still nobody could agree on what type of cheese.
The next day the man just decided to buy a multipack.  At lunchtime in the canteen the man, his friend, the supervisor, the other couple of coworkers and two office visitors all tried the cheese but still no definitive answer.
Just then a mathematician walked in to see them all looking confused.  Asking them what the issue was he listened to the story then asked if he could try a piece too.  As luck would have it there was a piece left in the multipack.  The mathematician took one look at the multicoloured cheese and declared he knew exactly what it was.  It was fibona cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fflltl/a_man_was_in_the_supermarket_buying_snacks_for/
%
What do you call security outside of a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fflkt0/what_do_you_call_security_outside_of_a_samsung/
%
I was going to tell a green earth Joke

But its recycled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fflks4/i_was_going_to_tell_a_green_earth_joke/
%
What do you call someone who hates people with missing toes?

Lactose intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fflk8b/what_do_you_call_someone_who_hates_people_with/
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I can’t believe I got fired from working at the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fflju6/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_working_at_the/
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Twenty Dollats

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for her virginity. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was aCute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of depositsissued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffld4g/twenty_dollats/
%
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fflclz/what_is_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
%
The genie in the lamp

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.
“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.
“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home.
“I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends were back here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffl4th/the_genie_in_the_lamp/
%
What's the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffl4sd/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_bag_of/
%
Quit my job at Bath Tissue today.

I was just sick of everyone talking shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffl00q/quit_my_job_at_bath_tissue_today/
%
A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.

Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart."
The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffkrpa/a_priest_is_walking_through_the_jungle_when_he/
%
I really like the rotations of the earth

They make my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffkmnz/i_really_like_the_rotations_of_the_earth/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffkkvr/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
I think Saturn's name is the best in our solar system

It has a nice ring to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffkkbp/i_think_saturns_name_is_the_best_in_our_solar/
%
For my next car, I’m planning to get a Honda directly from Japan and pay the required tariffs.

It’s..my Civic Duty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffkk33/for_my_next_car_im_planning_to_get_a_honda/
%
How many quantitative psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, p <= .05.
How many qualitative psychologists does it take?
_disguy. (2020). *Construction and Deconstruction Methods for Lightbulb Assembly* (Doctoral Dissertation). Reddit University,
San Francisco.
Thomas Alva Edison (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an American inventor and entrepreneur, who invented many things including one of the first practical light bulbs. Contrary to popular belief he did not invent the first light bulb but rather..................
<150 pages later>
See illustration 136A for an example of hand placement used in England during the 1950's when removing a bulb. This procedure was colloquially known as the "turn and burn" procedure due to the ....
<150 pages later>
Therefore, a review of the literature suggests a minimum of one person is required for lightbulb replacement. Research by authors Smith et. al. have found maximum effectiveness can be achieved when two people replace a bulb, however this effectiveness is further maximized when the same two people have changed a bulb together more than three to five times. Finally, effectiveness is significantly reduced when three or more individuals attempt to change a lightbulb at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffk7nv/how_many_quantitative_psychologists_does_it_take/
%
What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

I'll tell you what you get! You get what you fucking deserve!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffk7j6/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mentally_ill/
%
I had a huge crush on a girl

I went to her and said "Wanna go out with me, my dad is a millionaire"
She slapped me  and said  angrily " Did you really think i am one of those gold digger girls who would go out with you just because ur Fatass dad's a millionaire   ?"
I was quite embarrassed after that day  tried to avoid eye contact with her as much as possible.
Miraculously after a year somehow things worked out quite well and  she is even living in my house.
Just yesterday she asked me "Darling ,keep this money i am going out of town for a  week."
She slammed the door And  left with my dad.
I muttered under my breath "thank you mom".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffjzbj/i_had_a_huge_crush_on_a_girl/
%
What do you call a blind chimpanzee

a Chimpcantsee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffjjh8/what_do_you_call_a_blind_chimpanzee/
%
What does the geometrist say when he's proven wrong?

"You're right, I guess I never considered that angle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffje3w/what_does_the_geometrist_say_when_hes_proven_wrong/
%
I don't have a problem with cocaine

I have a problem without it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffj73c/i_dont_have_a_problem_with_cocaine/
%
Alabama Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now,  I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the  Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffizdc/alabama_pastor/
%
Why is Spiderman so quick with his comebacks?

With great power, comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffixik/why_is_spiderman_so_quick_with_his_comebacks/
%
What sense of humor does a Reposter have?

OP's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffitln/what_sense_of_humor_does_a_reposter_have/
%
Little Johnny Returns

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Little Molly put up her hand and said, "My father went to my grandad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word *fascinate*, not fascinating."
Little Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word *fascinate*."
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher was hesitant to call on him because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could defile the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
Gradually, the teacher began to hate Little Johnny...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffim4o/little_johnny_returns/
%
What is E.T. short for?

So he can fit in his little spaceship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffim16/what_is_et_short_for/
%
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.

Apparently, I went too far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fficlm/i_have_been_expelled_from_the_flat_earth_society/
%
whats the best way to befriend a woman?

You tell her that you love her, then she'll tell you that you're just friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffia8s/whats_the_best_way_to_befriend_a_woman/
%
What did Rudolf say as he left the gay bar?

I can’t believe I blew 30 bucks in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffi6fv/what_did_rudolf_say_as_he_left_the_gay_bar/
%
A man typed "wemen are the best" in a feminist group chat

One female said: thanks but it is spelled with "o" not "e" after the "w"
The man said: sorry i forgot to press space after the "we"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffhpom/a_man_typed_wemen_are_the_best_in_a_feminist/
%
I really like this gynecologist I’m dating

He checks a lot of boxes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffhm1z/i_really_like_this_gynecologist_im_dating/
%
John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19

but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffhlp1/john_travolta_was_hospitalized_for_suspected/
%
So I was granted one wish to see everyone I jerked off to in one room

I took to the stage and said "ladies, you might be wondering why Ryan Gosling and I are standing next to each other but....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffhjuj/so_i_was_granted_one_wish_to_see_everyone_i/
%
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous

I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffha0m/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts_anonymous/
%
Where do gay physicists have sex?

In the Large Hardon Collider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffg8jv/where_do_gay_physicists_have_sex/
%
What do you call a vet that specializes in canines?

A dogtor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffg5e1/what_do_you_call_a_vet_that_specializes_in_canines/
%
Which side of a deer has the best meat?

The inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fffmat/which_side_of_a_deer_has_the_best_meat/
%
I tried to make a living as a comedian, but I constantly bombed every sets.

So I joined Al Qaeda instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fff1yr/i_tried_to_make_a_living_as_a_comedian_but_i/
%
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?

A cough-y drinker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffezfe/what_do_you_call_someone_who_chokes_on_their_tea/
%
A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn

Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging him.
The man brings out the hen from the back room. The innkeep explains that she only speaks Spanish, but he will translate. The man also speaks Spanish so they decide to have the contest in Spanish.
They begin the trivia battle and the chicken wins decisively. The hen speaks perfectly Spanish and answers every question accurately. The man is blown away, a little disappointed not to get his wish but deciding that the novelty of a genius talking chicken was worth the time anyway. He tells in the innkeep about how he didn’t anticipate having such an interesting evening.
The innkeeper laughs and says
“No one expects the Spanish Inn quiz wish hen.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffeubx/a_man_is_staying_at_an_old_fashioned_pubinn/
%
What did the brain say to the brain stem?

You’ve got a lot of nerve coming in here...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffesa7/what_did_the_brain_say_to_the_brain_stem/
%
An old king was about to pass away

He called his three sons before his sickbed. He gave each of them some coins and asked them to buy something to fill the room, whoever can fill the room the best will be declared his successor.
The eldest prince went to the market and bought a cart of straws. Despite his best effort, he only filled up a small quarter of the room. The king shook his head.
The middle prince went to the market and bought a large sack of flour. He threw the flour into the air in an attempt to fill the room with flour. The king nodded slightly.
The youngest prince went to the market and bought a candle. He lit the candle in the room and left the room quietly.
Soon the youngest prince was declared the successor of the old king, seeing as the old king and his two brothers died in a dust explosion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffenla/an_old_king_was_about_to_pass_away/
%
Do you know how to kill a french person?

Shoot 10 feet above his head and you will hit his superiority complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffem1x/do_you_know_how_to_kill_a_french_person/
%
Find me a man who doesn't masturbate...

and I'll show you a man who needs a hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffeawr/find_me_a_man_who_doesnt_masturbate/
%
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffe9fb/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
%
Dad: Say daddy

Baby: Mommy.
Dad: No. Say daddy.
Baby: Mommy.
Dad: Fuck! Say daddy!
Baby: Fuck!
Dad: What did you say?
Baby: Fuck!
Mom: I'm home!
Baby: Fuck!
Mom: What? Where did you hear that?
Baby: Daddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffe7r2/dad_say_daddy/
%
The waiter asked me 'Do you want white or unrefined sugar?'

I said 'It doesn't matter - I'm Ambidextrose.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffe7i4/the_waiter_asked_me_do_you_want_white_or/
%
Cure for snoring

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife
goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he
will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife
tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the
closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles..
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed...
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking
with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins
snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the
closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's
testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and
stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances
in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red
ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the
dog and whispers,
'I don't know where we were or what we did....But, by Golly we took FIRST
and SECOND place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffe72i/cure_for_snoring/
%
What's the difference between a cop and a pizza guy?

The pizza guy faces consequences when his job is done wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffe1o4/whats_the_difference_between_a_cop_and_a_pizza_guy/
%
What’s a perverted dentists favourite part of an appointment?

The cavity search

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffdz7c/whats_a_perverted_dentists_favourite_part_of_an/
%
What species of feline can’t be monogamous?

A cheetah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffdwxj/what_species_of_feline_cant_be_monogamous/
%
How do you know a man is a programmer?

Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10."
If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffdv03/how_do_you_know_a_man_is_a_programmer/
%
How do you know when a lawyer is well hung?

You can't get your fingers between their neck and the noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffds6n/how_do_you_know_when_a_lawyer_is_well_hung/
%
What's a fat cannibal's favorite popup ad?

Are you looking for hot lo-cal singles in your area?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffds02/whats_a_fat_cannibals_favorite_popup_ad/
%
For the longest time, I never found my ears, eyes, nose, or tongue very sexy.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffdlfb/for_the_longest_time_i_never_found_my_ears_eyes/
%
A lot of women are turning into good drivers.

So, if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffdk34/a_lot_of_women_are_turning_into_good_drivers/
%
What's the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

For starters, one of them is an elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffdba6/whats_the_difference_between_an_indian_and/
%
A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"
Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"
The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already"
Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse"
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Dave said, "I’m going to raffle him off"
The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead horse!"
Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead"
A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495"
The farmer said, "Didn’t anyone complain?"
Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffd917/a_young_man_named_dave_bought_a_horse_from_a/
%
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful woman.

He starts conversation with her and they really hit it off.  He casually mentions how he's into really kinky sex. The woman perks up and with wide flirty eyes, says that she too is into kinky sex!  She follows it up by saying they should go back to her place and see what happens.
They get to her apartment and she leads him into her bedroom. She tells him to make himself comfortable while she goes into the bathroom to get herself ready. 10 minutes later she exits the bathroom decked out in leather, holding a whip in her right hand with a pair of handcuffs dangling from her left, but she doesn't see him anywhere. As she walks out of her bedroom she sees him opening the front door to leave. Surprised and embarrassed she asks him why he's leaving, she thought he liked kinky sex. The man looks back and says, "I told you I like *really* kinky sex. I fucked your cat and shit in your shoe, have a nice evening!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffd8pl/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_down_next_to_a/
%
[NSFW] The seven dwarfs decided one day that they’re going to watch Snow White get undressed

So they go outside and stack themselves on top of each other to peer through her window:
Doc, Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey
“She’s taking off her shirt...”
“She’s taking off her shirt...”
“She’s taking off her shirt...”
...
“She’s taking off her dress...”
“She’s taking off her dress...”
“She’s taking off her dress...”
...
“Someone’s coming!”
“So am I”
“So am I”
“So am I”
...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffd2vd/nsfw_the_seven_dwarfs_decided_one_day_that_theyre/
%
A Russian, A Communist and a Spy Walk walk into a bar

he orders a drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffd1oj/a_russian_a_communist_and_a_spy_walk_walk_into_a/
%
The Peanut

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.
As the couple takes in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.
He tries to get it out but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decides to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door, they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing.
He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow...... lo & behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.
"So....." the wife says, "What do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well....." says the man, rubbing his nose, "By the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to become a Gynecologist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffd1a5/the_peanut/
%
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman

Customer: "cargo space?"
Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads"
Manager: " can I see you in my office?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffd0er/i_got_fired_on_my_first_day_as_a_car_salesman/
%
My kids have been wanting a Beta fish

So we went to the pet store, but they told us it was stuck in development. .... I’ll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffcu6z/my_kids_have_been_wanting_a_beta_fish/
%
What did the math teacher say to his trig class when he saw the test?

This should be smooth scalene for you guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffcr94/what_did_the_math_teacher_say_to_his_trig_class/
%
If my phone's clock is right...

Last night I lasted 1 hour 45 seconds in bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffcplh/if_my_phones_clock_is_right/
%
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots...

the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough."
"Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy."
"Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today."
A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks.
"Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week."
"I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house."
Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The guy responds, "Yeah...my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffcltb/man_sits_at_a_bar_and_orders_five_shots/
%
Did you hear about the terrorist who strapped bombs loaded with Coronavirus to his chest?

He blew up and went viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffce0r/did_you_hear_about_the_terrorist_who_strapped/
%
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffcavw/what_happened_when_the_butcher_backed_up_into_the/
%
I’m thinking of killing off the main character in my new book.

It will really spice up this autobiography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffc6jo/im_thinking_of_killing_off_the_main_character_in/
%
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.

So sue me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffc1n3/what_can_i_say_i_enjoy_going_to_court/
%
What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffbzu7/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/
%
Why don't churches have WiFi?

They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffbx78/why_dont_churches_have_wifi/
%
"Alvin, sell your business!"

Alvin is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above that says, "Alvin, sell your business!" He ignores it.
The voice goes on for days saying, "Alvin, sell your business for three million dollars!" After weeks of this, he relents and sells his store.
The voice says, "Alvin, go to Las Vegas!"
Alvin asks why.
"Alvin, just take the three million dollars and go to Las Vegas."
Alvin obeys, goes to Las Vegas, and visits a casino.
The voice says, "Alvin, go to the blackjack table and put it all down on one hand!"
Alvin hesitates but gives in. He's dealt an eighteen. The dealer has a six showing.
"Alvin, take a card!"
"*What?* The dealer has..."
"Take a card!"
Alvin tells the dealer to hit him, and gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.
"Alvin, take another card."
"*What?*"
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
Alvin asks for another card. It's another ace. He has twenty.
"Alvin, take another card!" the voice commands.
"*I have twenty!*" Alvin shouts.
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" booms the voice.
"*Hit me!*" Alvin says. He gets another ace. Twenty-one!
And the booming voice says, "Un-fucking-believable!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffbt6h/alvin_sell_your_business/
%
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffbisr/man_says_to_his_boss_can_we_talk_i_have_a_problem/
%
So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffb91e/so_god_creates_adam/
%
A pun walks into a bar and killed 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffb2iz/a_pun_walks_into_a_bar_and_killed_10_people/
%
(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffavrq/nsfw_what_is_the_difference_between_love_true/
%
What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I don't cry when I cut up a hooker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffaoy8/whats_the_difference_between_an_onion_and_a_hooker/
%
What do Santa Claus and Micheal Jackson have in common?

They both leave kids' rooms with empty sacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffan92/what_do_santa_claus_and_micheal_jackson_have_in/
%
How many cops does it take to push a black man off the stairs?

None, he fell off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffah9u/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
%
Just had sex with my wife for 1 hour and 5 minutes

Thank you DST!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffac2g/just_had_sex_with_my_wife_for_1_hour_and_5_minutes/
%
The other day I bought 2 large bottles of whisky, but I was worried I would drop them on my way home.

To solve this problem I drank them before beginning the long walk home. I'm really glad I did, because I fell over six times!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffa84o/the_other_day_i_bought_2_large_bottles_of_whisky/
%
Tinder is like being on a bus.

Everyone is on their phones, but no one is talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ffa0ia/tinder_is_like_being_on_a_bus/
%
I was gonna tell a gay joke

butt fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff9vql/i_was_gonna_tell_a_gay_joke/
%
Through my career as a lumberjack I’ve cut down exactly 32,548 trees.

I know because I’ve kept a log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff95m4/through_my_career_as_a_lumberjack_ive_cut_down/
%
It's strange to work in a hospital

You know, in one room there's a father holding his son for the first time, in another room there's a son holding his father for the last time.  And then in another room there is a guy with a remote stuck in his anus.  It's the circle of life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff8x8o/its_strange_to_work_in_a_hospital/
%
Snow white now have 6 dwarfs.

Because sneezy is under quarantine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff8sgh/snow_white_now_have_6_dwarfs/
%
I really wanted to learn to play the theramin,

but once I finally got one I never touched the thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff8ln6/i_really_wanted_to_learn_to_play_the_theramin/
%
Which type of shoes does Captain Hook avoid wearing?

Crocs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff8g6s/which_type_of_shoes_does_captain_hook_avoid/
%
When I was a kid, my dad and I went to the zoo to see the birds.

I loved birds as a kid, and really wanted one as a pet.  I would spend hours looking through picture books about birds, studying their plumage, learning all that I could. So when the day came that my dad took me to the zoo to see the bird enclosure, I was really excited.
I had read about the colorful jungle birds, and heard that some, like the parrot, could talk!  After reading so much about birds, I could only imagine what this would sound like in person. The first bird we saw was a toucan.  It was just kind of chirping, not really what I had expected to hear.
"Dad," I said, "Can we talk with toucans?"
"Not without a string, son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff8eat/when_i_was_a_kid_my_dad_and_i_went_to_the_zoo_to/
%
A Nun and a Priest

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
“I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
“I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
“Anything father."
“I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
“Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
“Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
“Father, could I ask something of you?"
“Yes sister?"
“I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
“I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
“Oh father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
“Is that true father?"
“Yes it is, sister."
“Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff85cc/a_nun_and_a_priest/
%
To err is human

To arr is pirate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff832v/to_err_is_human/
%
Where do flies go for a holiday?

Flywaii
(please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff7zoj/where_do_flies_go_for_a_holiday/
%
I asked my crush when is her birthday

Me: when is your birthday?
Her: march 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff7su6/i_asked_my_crush_when_is_her_birthday/
%
Who don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff7rr2/who_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
%
What’s the best part about being a meth addict?

Only one sleep till’ Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff7qy5/whats_the_best_part_about_being_a_meth_addict/
%
Blonds

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her
dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for
something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the
restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The
blonde said it was hers
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause
she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your
dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need
bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't
understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(Your gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go
ahead, long as no one is watching. I always wanted a
police dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff7lgk/blonds/
%
If you 're asking your friend if they have autism, you should treat it just like asking a pregnant woman.

Don't ask unless you're sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff7duc/if_you_re_asking_your_friend_if_they_have_autism/
%
Is it weird that I have a trashcan in my car?

My friend just looked at it and said that most people just call it a "back seat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff7alg/is_it_weird_that_i_have_a_trashcan_in_my_car/
%
Three men walked into a bar......

An Englishman, an American and an Australian walked into a bar. The bartender looked at them and said “Is this some kind of a joke”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff74l7/three_men_walked_into_a_bar/
%
A rabbi woke up one morning and couldn't find his bike.

After looking everywhere for it, he concluded that one of his parishioners stole it. He goes to the priest and explains his problem.
The priest says, "Why don't you gather all your men at your synagogue and read The Ten Commandments aloud. As soon as you get to "Thou shalt not steal" look everybody in the eye. If one of your men looks down, you've found the thief."
The rabbi thanks the priest and leaves. The next day, he comes to the priest with a bouquet of flowers.
"Did my advice work?" asked the priest.
"Not really, but you had the right idea. I did as you told me, and as soon as I got to "Thou shalt not commit adultery", I remembered where I left my bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff71xf/a_rabbi_woke_up_one_morning_and_couldnt_find_his/
%
What did the janitor say when he opened the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff70sy/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_opened_the_closet/
%
Man plops down at the bar and

orders 12 dry martinis.
"Big occassion?" asks the bartender.
"First blowjob" says the man.
"and if 12 martinis can't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff6zje/man_plops_down_at_the_bar_and/
%
What does a yoga instructor say after being asked to leave?

Na-ma-ste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff6ssf/what_does_a_yoga_instructor_say_after_being_asked/
%
I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling. ~ Michael Kosta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff6oqk/i_just_went_on_a_date_with_a_woman_in_a_wheelchair/
%
My son is taking part in a political social experiment...

He has to wear a Bernie 2020 t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react.  So far he's be spit on, punched and had a wine bottle thrown at him!
I am curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff6h8a/my_son_is_taking_part_in_a_political_social/
%
I told my wife that I got the Coronavirus from a woman at work. She was really concerned.

Until I told her that I was mistaken, the woman gave me syphilis. Her concern boiled away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff61u1/i_told_my_wife_that_i_got_the_coronavirus_from_a/
%
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters where do girls with one leg work?

Ihop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff5y7v/if_girls_with_big_boobs_work_at_hooters_where_do/
%
3 ducks get arrested and have to go before a judge

The judge calls on the first duck. “State your name and tell me why you were arrested.”
Duck 1: “my name is Quack and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the park”
The judge, a little annoyed, says, “That’s not a crime! You shouldn’t be here. You are free to go. Next!”
Duck 2 walks up and the judge says, “State your name and why you were arrested.”
Duck 2: “my name is Quack-Quack and I’m here for blowing bubbles in the park”
The judge, a little more annoyed, says, “That’s not a crime either! You are free to go.”
Now the judge is getting frustrated about his time being wasted so he turns to the third duck and says, “Let me guess, your name is Quack-Quack-Quack and you’re here for blowing bubbles in the park.”
Duck 3: “No sir... my name is Bubbles”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff5t06/3_ducks_get_arrested_and_have_to_go_before_a_judge/
%
The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is -

You know what?  It’s fine. Never mind. No no. It’s okay. It’s nothing. Don’t worry about, ok?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff5sze/the_first_rule_of_passive_aggressive_club_is/
%
The person who invented 'autocorrect' walks into a barn

He orders a bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff5r6w/the_person_who_invented_autocorrect_walks_into_a/
%
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

“If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff5qxh/on_my_first_day_in_prison_my_cellmate_said_to_me/
%
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff5l6h/if_youre_attacked_by_a_group_of_clowns/
%
Why are you so concerned?

One day a young Native American man went to the Chief of his tribe who was responsible for giving all of the members of his tribe their Native names.
"Tell me, great Chief, when you name the children,  how do you do it?"
"It's very simple, I give them a name in our language that passes on through their family line."
"Yes, but, great Chief, how is it that you pick exactly what name to give each baby when they are only a baby?"
"Well it's like this, when the baby is born if I see the snow softly falling on the mountain, I name the baby "Snow Softly Falling", If when the baby is born, I see a black hawk flying overhead, I name the baby "Black hawk flying overhead" - Do you understand?"
"Yes"
"But tell me, Two Dogs Fucking, why are you so concerned?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff5g0c/why_are_you_so_concerned/
%
I'm trying to stop masturbating...

...but it's too hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff5bt5/im_trying_to_stop_masturbating/
%
A man goes to a restaurant

He orders the soup.
The waiter brings him the soup.
After a few min he flagges the waiter down.
"Is there something wrong sir?"
"I can't eat this soup"
"let me get the manager"
The manager comes over
"What is wrong sir?"
"I can't eat this soup"
"I will tell the chef"
The chef comes over
"what is wrong sir?"
"I can't eat this soup"
"what? I use only the finest ingredients, and have been making this soup for years. Why can't you eat it?"
"I don't have a spoon"
Reminded of this joke because this happened to us today.   We had to ask for silverware after they served our food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff54ki/a_man_goes_to_a_restaurant/
%
Waving a Nazi flag at a Bernie rally

Is like waving a diploma at a Trump rally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff4zmr/waving_a_nazi_flag_at_a_bernie_rally/
%
The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The optometrist says you need new glasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff4ueu/the_pessimist_says_the_glass_is_half_empty/
%
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff4swj/why_do_people_in_athens_hate_getting_up_early/
%
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery, except abortion jokes...

Because there is no delivery...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff4s5s/any_joke_can_be_funny_with_the_right_delivery/
%
The other day my friend and I saw a dehydrated alligator as we were walking through the zoo,

I said to my friend, “What should we do?”
To which he responded, “Call the vet so she can get it some *Gator-Aid*!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff4qe8/the_other_day_my_friend_and_i_saw_a_dehydrated/
%
I've learned a bunch of secrets about cows.

I heard them through the bo-vine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff4hqd/ive_learned_a_bunch_of_secrets_about_cows/
%
Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?

My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal.
Me: My truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff4frl/couples_therapist_so_what_brings_you_two_here/
%
Karate Dog

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”
And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.”
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair.”
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said “Karate my azz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff4fe3/karate_dog/
%
I got a joke but it requires that you know who D.B. Cooper is

I don't want to sound condescending while telling a joke about a con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff4f56/i_got_a_joke_but_it_requires_that_you_know_who_db/
%
A sailor says to his captain,

"Captain, we are under attack by a boat!"
The captain replied, "Go get me my red jacket."
Puzzled, the sailor asks why.
"So the enemy doesn't know that I've been wounded," replies the captain.
The sailor says ok, and runs off to fight. They won the battle.
The next week, they are under attack again. The sailor goes to the captain and says, Captain, we are under attack by another boat!"
Again, the captain asks for his red jacket. They again won the battle.
The next week, they are under attack by a whole fleet of boats. The sailor once again goes to the captain.
"Captain, we are under attack by a whole fleet of boats!"
The captain looks the sailor in the eye and says,
"Quick, go get my brown pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff4f2l/a_sailor_says_to_his_captain/
%
What do you call an older Lamborghini?

Sheeporghini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff4dll/what_do_you_call_an_older_lamborghini/
%
Do you know why there was no CSI Alabama?

Hard to write a plot when everyone around has no dental records and a matching DNA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff4bef/do_you_know_why_there_was_no_csi_alabama/
%
Superman was flying...

Superman was flying above a big city, patrolling against crime. He suddenly saw Wonder Woman lying on the roof of a skyscraper, her legs spread, fully exposing her pussy. He thought it over for a few seconds, and then said to himself, “why not?” He flew down real quick, fucked her rapidly in Superman style, busted his nut, and flew away. No one noticed. A second later, Wonder Woman exclaimed, “Holly shit, what the fuck was that?!” The Invisible Man said, “I don’t know, but my ass is really killing me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff43zl/superman_was_flying/
%
My dad recently informed me I am part of the 1%.

He also told me about how condoms have a 99% success rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff3sk5/my_dad_recently_informed_me_i_am_part_of_the_1/
%
I bought a really old race horse today, I called him My Face.

I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh fuckers shouting "Come on My Face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff3krd/i_bought_a_really_old_race_horse_today_i_called/
%
People who test Viagra...

Are always hard at work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff3j9w/people_who_test_viagra/
%
Why did no one laugh when queen farted at the dinner table?

Because noble gasses cause no reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff3a3i/why_did_no_one_laugh_when_queen_farted_at_the/
%
Ultimate Dad Joke

Son: Dad, what noise does an owl make at night?
Dad: Who?
Finally got to pull this one off after 6 years of patiently waiting!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff38kb/ultimate_dad_joke/
%
The U.S. Army introduced the first unit of specially trained combat rabbits

Hare Force One

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff36t4/the_us_army_introduced_the_first_unit_of/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates.

Doesn’t last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff34ie/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What do you call a bear who lives in the arctic and is attracted to both men and women?

A bi-polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff31ff/what_do_you_call_a_bear_who_lives_in_the_arctic/
%
I was greeted by a genie

He says I have only one wish, so I respond, I want to see out of my ass. Granted, the genie says. That was last week ago, and in hindsight, it was worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff2up5/i_was_greeted_by_a_genie/
%
Why wont ducks squat?

They don’t want people to see their butt-quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff2qu4/why_wont_ducks_squat/
%
I'm giving away dead batteries for free

No charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff240v/im_giving_away_dead_batteries_for_free/
%
Success is like pregnancy.

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff1ose/success_is_like_pregnancy/
%
What has three letters and starts with gas?

A car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff1hgk/what_has_three_letters_and_starts_with_gas/
%
A man walked into a bar

He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. He then sees a large jar of $5 bills sitting on the bar.  He asks the bartender what the bar was for, who tells him: “I have a horse in the barn out back. He and I used to laugh together all the time. But recently, I haven’t been able to get him to laugh. So you can pay $5 and go see if you can get him to laugh.”
So the man pays $5, goes out to the barn, and returns a couple of minutes later. He says he got the horse to laugh and took the jar of $5 bills.
The same man returns a year later and sees another jar of $5 bills on the bar. Again he asks what the jar is for. The bartender says: “Ever since you came here last year, I haven’t been able to get my order to stop laughing. So now you can pay $5, and if you can get my horse to stop laughing you can take the jar of $5 bills.”
So the man again goes out the the barn, and returns in a couple of minutes. He tells the bartender he got the horse to stop laughing and takes the jar.
Before he can leave, the bartender asks the man how he got the horse to laugh and how he got him to stop. The man said, “Last year I said to the horse ‘Mine’s bigger than yours’ and this year I proved it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff1drl/a_man_walked_into_a_bar/
%
One buzzword in today’s business world is “Marketing”

Courtesy of a friend via email; this is a quick 'primer' on Marketing....
People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."  Well, OK, here it is:
* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.  One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Facebook.
(I’m on mobile so sorry about the formatting)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff0xf7/one_buzzword_in_todays_business_world_is_marketing/
%
When I first moved to the US, I learned English by playing Pokemon Red

It was super effective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff0vql/when_i_first_moved_to_the_us_i_learned_english_by/
%
Trump says he will bring Jobs back to America;

The problem is he died on October 5th 2011, and I've never seen anyone brought back like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff0qlq/trump_says_he_will_bring_jobs_back_to_america/
%
Friends are like boobs.

Some big, some small, some real and some fake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff0qae/friends_are_like_boobs/
%
Just got a job working on PornHub's website

Now I'm always working hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff0hoh/just_got_a_job_working_on_pornhubs_website/
%
What starts with T, ends with T and has T in it?

A teapot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff0fzx/what_starts_with_t_ends_with_t_and_has_t_in_it/
%
I used to have a job reccommending people for math award shows.

I was denominator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff0fqm/i_used_to_have_a_job_reccommending_people_for/
%
3 Wishes for Bear and Rabbit

Bear and Rabbit are walking in the woods when suddenly they come upon a magical lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie appears. "You have set me free," the genie says, "and I will grant you each 3 wishes."
Bear is excited, he goes first. "I wish I were young again."
"Granted," says Genie, and Bear becomes young again.
"And I wish I were the most attractive bear in the woods."
"Granted."
"And I wish all the other bears in the woods were female."
"Granted."
Bear is thrilled. Then Rabbit goes. "For my first wish, I want a motorcycle helmet."
Genie is surprised. "What? Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
"OK. Granted." A motorcycle helmet appears in Rabbit's paws.
"And for my second wish, I want a motorcycle."
OK, makes sense. "Granted." A motorcycle appears.
Rabbit puts the helmet on, gets on the motorcycle, starts the engine, and says, "And for my last wish, I wish Bear were gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff0cs4/3_wishes_for_bear_and_rabbit/
%
How many tropical birds does it take to change a light bulb?

Well if one can't, toucan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff07hm/how_many_tropical_birds_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
LPT: If you hear a funny corona virus joke, please

laugh into your elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ff04xd/lpt_if_you_hear_a_funny_corona_virus_joke_please/
%
You know this Coronavirus thing is bad

When Snow White is down to 6 dwarves. I just heard sneezy is now in quarantine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fezyuz/you_know_this_coronavirus_thing_is_bad/
%
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fezxl9/to_teach_kids_about_democracy_i_let_them_vote_on/
%
I stole a boardgame once

It was a Risk I was willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fezpkm/i_stole_a_boardgame_once/
%
When Beethoven passed away

, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.  When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."  He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."  Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fezoqv/when_beethoven_passed_away/
%
Jokes on you!

>! We're no strangers to love!<
>!You know the rules and so do I!<
>!A full commitment's what I'm thinking of!<
>!You wouldn't get this from any other guy!<
>!I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling!<
>!Gotta make you understand!<
>!Never gonna give you up!<
>!Never gonna let you down!<
>!Never gonna run around and desert you!<
>!Never gonna make you cry!<
>!Never gonna say goodbye!<
>!Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!<
>!We've known each other for so long!<
>!Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it!<
>!Inside we both know what's been going on!<
>!We know the game and we're gonna play it!<
>!And if you ask me how I'm feeling!<
>!Don't tell me you're too blind to see!<
>!Never gonna give you up!<
>!Never gonna let you down!<
>!Never gonna run around and desert you!<
>!Never gonna make you cry!<
>!Never gonna say goodbye!<
>!Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!<
>!Never gonna give you up!<
>!Never gonna let you down!<
>!Never gonna run around and desert you!<
>!Never gonna make you cry!<
>!Never gonna say goodbye!<
>!Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!<
>!Never gonna give, never gonna give!<
>!(Give you up)!<
>!(Ooh) Never gonna give, never gonna give!<
>!(Give you up)!<
>!We've known each other for so long!<
>!Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it!<
>!Inside we both know what's been going on!<
>!We know the game and we're gonna play it!<
>!I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling!<
>!Gotta make you understand!<
>!Never gonna give you up!<
>!Never gonna let you down!<
>!Never gonna run around and desert you!<
>!Never gonna make you cry!<
>!Never gonna say goodbye!<
>!Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!<
>!Never gonna give you up!<
>!Never gonna let you down!<
>!Never gonna run around and desert you!<
>!Never gonna make you cry!<
>!Never gonna say goodbye!<
>!Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!<
>!Never gonna give you up!<
>!Never gonna let you down!<
>!Never gonna run around and desert you!<
>!Never gonna make you cry!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fezkhx/jokes_on_you/
%
I met a Jewish woman and she asked me for my number

I told her we use names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fez2dw/i_met_a_jewish_woman_and_she_asked_me_for_my/
%
It's pointless to make fun of people with constipation

They don't give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fez273/its_pointless_to_make_fun_of_people_with/
%
How do Europeans charge their phones?

With EUB cables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fez16p/how_do_europeans_charge_their_phones/
%
Dam Lawyers

I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feyxf6/dam_lawyers/
%
Why is it difficult to tell jokes to a kleptomaniac?

They take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feyx9o/why_is_it_difficult_to_tell_jokes_to_a/
%
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay...

sounds really fun if you don't know what either of those two things are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feyvn4/waterboarding_at_guantanamo_bay/
%
Two guys in a bar discuss their occupations

Guy 1 - What's your job?
Guy 2 - I work in construction. How about yours?
Guy 1 - I'm a chicken farmer.
Guy 2 - Oh I see. What kind of tasks does that involve?
Guy 1 - Well, just yesterday, I filmed two gorgeous women having sex and put it on my porn business website.
Guy 2 - What does that have to do with chicken farming?
Guy 1 - Well, just in the past year I've managed to raise over 50,000 cocks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feyttg/two_guys_in_a_bar_discuss_their_occupations/
%
My GF always helps me with difficult tasks

She's my right hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feytt8/my_gf_always_helps_me_with_difficult_tasks/
%
My Girlfriend & My Parents

My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter.
Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feytc6/my_girlfriend_my_parents/
%
Cashier: Hey man, do you have enough bags for your groceries?

Me: Totes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feyt00/cashier_hey_man_do_you_have_enough_bags_for_your/
%
My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feypn5/my_wife_always_uses_credit_cards_i_recommended/
%
Just think, a year from now we will all be laughing about the Corona virus.

Some of us anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feyplk/just_think_a_year_from_now_we_will_all_be/
%
Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and let's him cross the border.
A week later the same thing happened.
The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his through examination and discovers that the bag contains nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on bycycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling."
Juan sips his corona and says, "Bicycles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feypjv/juan_comes_to_usmexico_border_on_a_cycle/
%
Farmer

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feymsm/farmer/
%
What do Netflix and diarrhea have in common?

They’re both red and black...I probably need to see a doctor...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feylld/what_do_netflix_and_diarrhea_have_in_common/
%
Snow White is down to six dwarfs.

Sneezy has been quarantined!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feyktj/snow_white_is_down_to_six_dwarfs/
%
A lot of people find Roman numerals to be confusing, but I for one

V for 5, X for 10, L for 50...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feyk87/a_lot_of_people_find_roman_numerals_to_be/
%
What happens when the CIA goes to sleep?

They go undercover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feyg1n/what_happens_when_the_cia_goes_to_sleep/
%
People say 60 is the new 40

The cop who pulled me over didn't agree with that point of view

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feyfwv/people_say_60_is_the_new_40/
%
Studies suggest that 50% of Americans will be obese by the year 2030

I think that shows initiative. Trying to get the number down that low that quick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feycdh/studies_suggest_that_50_of_americans_will_be/
%
Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feybqd/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
%
Jokes about millennials aren’t funny

They just don’t work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fey8v6/jokes_about_millennials_arent_funny/
%
I got some shit that I need to get off my chest...

I should probably shower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fey1f2/i_got_some_shit_that_i_need_to_get_off_my_chest/
%
All the children were playing with the woodchipper, except Fawn.

She was spread out all over the lawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fexvfd/all_the_children_were_playing_with_the/
%
Bear's Religion.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fexsap/bears_religion/
%
a Woman was pregnant with triplets...

A woman pregnant with triplets walked into a bank, and then a robber pulled out a gun, and started to shoot the people inside to control the crowd. the woman got hit 3 times and she was moved to the hospital really quickly after the event had been cleared.
The ultrasound check confirmed that the bullets had hit the Fetuses with each one getting one hit but the good news was that the shots wouldn't be lethal and that the bullets would just exit their bodies naturally after they are born.
Well the woman ended up getting 2 daughters and a son.
When the kids were 5 one of the daughters ran out of the bathroom with a bullet in her hands. and she yelled: "Mommy! Mommy! I was peeing and this just dropped out."
The mom, recalling the incident decided to tell the daughter what had happened who just stood there and nodded.
5 years passed and the second daughter came back with a bullet in her hands with a worried look yelling the same "Mom! Mom! I was peeing and this just dropped out."
The mom told the daughter the same story who just nodded and ran away feeling relieved because she understood what had happened.
Another 5 years passed and the Son came running to her, with an extremely worried look and the mother stopped him saying "Son. Let me guess, you were peeing and you pissed out a bullet, right?"
The son stopped, blinked his eyes and said: "Not exactly ma... I was jerking off and our dog came into my room... I came and accidentally shot the dog..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fexmai/a_woman_was_pregnant_with_triplets/
%
What’s the difference between politicians and flying pigs?

The letter F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fexg82/whats_the_difference_between_politicians_and/
%
Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?

Bugatti owner: because i let you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fexfym/cop_do_you_know_why_i_pulled_you_over/
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This year’s Tease & Denial Convention will be held virtually

Attendees will be told not to come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fexd3s/this_years_tease_denial_convention_will_be_held/
%
I wanna make a joke about PP’s

but it was to hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fexb57/i_wanna_make_a_joke_about_pps/
%
A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fex5l0/a_mixed_race_man_auditioned_for_the_main_part_in/
%
Scientists have discovered a new element that makes people raise their eyebrows.

They are calling it the element of surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fex55h/scientists_have_discovered_a_new_element_that/
%
What do you call a Call of Duty player's instant rap single?

A Flash-Banger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fex4g3/what_do_you_call_a_call_of_duty_players_instant/
%
Never say c'rona virus.

That's how I contracted it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fex3zn/never_say_crona_virus/
%
Everybody had a name.

Except

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fex06s/everybody_had_a_name/
%
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control

I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fewr4f/i_remember_the_first_time_i_saw_a_universal/
%
Is your refrigerator running?

Because I'd vote for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fewqev/is_your_refrigerator_running/
%
Sometimes i just start talking to myself for no reason

haha me too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fewpze/sometimes_i_just_start_talking_to_myself_for_no/
%
So I was visiting the mental hospital

and I said to the doctor "How do you find out if someone needs to come here, then?" and he said "Oh, we set them a simple test. We take them into the bathroom and we show them a bath full of water, and we say we want them to empty it and we offer them a choice between a teaspoon, a coffee cup or a bucket."
And I say to him "Right, and a sane person would choose the bucket, because the other two would take much longer?" and he says "No, a sane person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed by the window?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fewkx5/so_i_was_visiting_the_mental_hospital/
%
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fewfad/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
%
In laughter the L comes first..

~~The rest of the letters come aughter it.~~
The rest of the letters come aughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fewf77/in_laughter_the_l_comes_first/
%
Wife: Honey, I'm pregnant.

Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
Wife: No you're not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/few523/wife_honey_im_pregnant/
%
Knock knock.

"Who's there?"
Yodel-ehee
"Yodel-ehee who?"
..
Courtesy of my niece, enjoy :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/few2gs/knock_knock/
%
Mental Hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied; "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/few2c8/mental_hospital/
%
I was so embarrassed when my wife saw me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/few00k/i_was_so_embarrassed_when_my_wife_saw_me_playing/
%
Rude on many levels

I was a receptionist at a hotel, and the phone started ringing. I could see by the screen that it was the extension for the elevator's phone. I picked it up, and a voice I recognize as a particularly rude and troublesome guest, immediately starts yelling: "What the (beep) do I press to get out of this $#!TTy hotel? There's no G for ground and there's no 1! Where the (beep) do I go?"
I was floored by his attitude, so I told him to go to L.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fevq3x/rude_on_many_levels/
%
I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fevojp/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
%
Neighbour.

Husband: Oh No! our neighbour has died.
Wife: Who, Ray?
Husband: I don't think cheering is appropriate Karen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fevoh7/neighbour/
%
When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome, when 3 people have sex it's a threesome

Now I understand why they call you handsome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fevlki/when_2_people_have_sex_its_called_a_twosome_when/
%
A joke told by a Holocaust survivor

A Jewish person goes to heaven after dying.  They meet god and tells a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh.  The Jewish person shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fev7tm/a_joke_told_by_a_holocaust_survivor/
%
Lucky #7

A guy wakes up on July 7th at 7am and hops on the #7 train get to his first day of work. He realizes that his office is located on 7th avenue and that the building number is 77. He counts all the money he has in his pocket and turns out that he has exactly 777$. It must be a sign. He heads to the race track and bets his 777$ on horse number 7 named “7th heaven”.
The horse finishes the race in 7th place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fev229/lucky_7/
%
A sandwich walks in to a bar and order a beer

And bartender says: "We don't serve food"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feuymv/a_sandwich_walks_in_to_a_bar_and_order_a_beer/
%
If I love Formula 1 and hate NASCAR...

Does that make me a race-ist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feuvn4/if_i_love_formula_1_and_hate_nascar/
%
A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son was in there.
"Dark in here," the boy says.
"Yes, it is," the man replies.
"I have a baseball."
"That's nice."
"Want to buy it?"
"No, thanks."
"That's my dad outside."
"How much did you say the baseball was again?"
"$250."
The man reluctantly paid the boy, and after waiting for an hour, finally managed to sneak out of the house unseen.
A few weeks later, it happens again.
"Dark in here," the boy says.
"Yes, it is," the man replies.
"I have a baseball glove."
"That's nice."
"Want to buy it?"
"No, thanks."
"I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad."
"How much did you say the glove was again?"
"$750."
"Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
"I can't. I sold them," the boy replies.
"Really? How much did you sell them for?"
"$1,000."
"It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that! That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
"Dark in here," the boy says.
The priest growls. "Don't start that shit again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feuuq1/a_nineyearold_boy_was_in_his_mothers_bedroom/
%
Palindromes

My fear of palindromes has really started to affect my life, I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything?
The bastard gave me Xanax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feus8u/palindromes/
%
A Greek and an Indian are having tea together and trying to one up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”
And so on and on they went, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Indian replies, "That may be true, but we are the ones who introduced it to women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feuo3b/a_greek_and_an_indian_are_having_tea_together_and/
%
So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying, “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front.”
“Here are the documents, as well,” he says as he hands over a tiny stack of papers.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank. Everything checks out.
So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says, “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely.”
Then he adds, “But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.”
“While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies, “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feum1f/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bank_in_manhattan_and_asks/
%
A botanist starts playing minecraft, and he becomes a mathematician

He had to calculate the cubic root

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feuftd/a_botanist_starts_playing_minecraft_and_he/
%
A ship carrying red paint ­collided with another one carrying purple paint.

Both crews are said  to be marooned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feuekl/a_ship_carrying_red_paint_collided_with_another/
%
I had to put my foot down today.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feuctd/i_had_to_put_my_foot_down_today/
%
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feu33b/so_the_bears_were_looking_for_a_new_quarterback/
%
MEN - if you are having trouble getting someone pregnant, getting your sperm count tested is quick and easy.

But it’ll cost a load.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fetzju/men_if_you_are_having_trouble_getting_someone/
%
Englishman bragging, “My grandfather lived for 96 years and never used glasses”

Russian: Yes I know, some people in my family also drink directly from the bottle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fetx85/englishman_bragging_my_grandfather_lived_for_96/
%
I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...

Fuck, I hate being a teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fetmjb/i_got_voted_least_likely_to_succeed_by_my_high/
%
I’m a social vegan.

I really avoid meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fethck/im_a_social_vegan/
%
I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once...

That's me in the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fetclr/i_had_my_picture_taken_with_the_band_rem_once/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there..

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fesqxd/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_is_to_live/
%
A restaurant owners walks down the street and hears a homeless guy playing a guitar

He’s stunned by how beautiful his song is. It’s amazing; serene, gentle and uplifting.
He decides he wants to have the homeless guy play in his restaurant so he approaches him and asks for the name of the song.
The homeless guy tells him the song is called ‘Big Titty Mama’.
The owner is put off. That’s not the sort of song he wants playing in his establishment.
The next day he walks down the same bit of street and seems the same homeless guy playing guitar, but this time a different song.
Somehow this song even more angelic than the first. It’s beautiful, heartwarming and tranquil.
He goes up to the homeless guy again and asks ‘well, what’s that song called?’
The homeless guy replies ‘Oh this song? This song is called Finger Up The Bum on Thursday’.
The restaurant owner decides the homeless guy is too talented to let pass him by so he makes him a deal
He tells the homeless guy to play these lovely songs in his restaurant as his customers eat and he gets 50 dollars a night. The only condition is he is not to tell people the names of the songs as they are too rude.
The next night the homeless man shows up to the restaurant and plays. The customers love it as they enjoy their food.
Between songs the homeless guy uses the bathroom and a customer stands at the urinal next to him.
In a fit of excitement from playing to an audience the homeless guy washes his hands but forgets to tuck himself back in before he leaves to go and play again.
The customer notices and says ‘Hey buddy, do you know your flies are open and your schwanz is out?’.
The homeless guy turns back delightedly, ‘Know it?! I practically wrote it!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fesnm1/a_restaurant_owners_walks_down_the_street_and/
%
What does a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They both want a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fesi28/what_does_a_walrus_and_tupperware_have_in_common/
%
Why was the Anti-vaxx baby crying?

It had a midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fesbsy/why_was_the_antivaxx_baby_crying/
%
Why did the chicken go to KFC

He wanted to see the chicken strip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fesaq0/why_did_the_chicken_go_to_kfc/
%
Wanna hear a dead baby joke I just made up?

Sorry, there are problems with the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fes8rn/wanna_hear_a_dead_baby_joke_i_just_made_up/
%
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fes3uq/i_went_into_a_pharmacy_and_asked_what_gets_rid_of/
%
Jokes about unemployed people aren't funny

They just don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fes2o5/jokes_about_unemployed_people_arent_funny/
%
I'm emotionally constipated....

I haven't given a shit in days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fes1yi/im_emotionally_constipated/
%
And the Lord said unto John,

Come forth and receive eternal life,
But John came fifth and won a fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fersn5/and_the_lord_said_unto_john/
%
One day, Putin called up Trump asking for a favor...

"We have a problem. All of Russia's condom manufacturers have gone bankrupt, and soon we will have a shortage," said Putin.
"That sounds pretty bad. How can we help?" Trump asked.
"We need you to send us American condoms."
"Of course, we can cut you a deal."
"Another thing," Putin continued. "They must be able to fit the average Russian penis. As such, they need to be eight inches long and two inches wide."
"Um.. Okay" Trump said as he ended the call. He then called an American condom manufacturer.
"I need you to make condoms and send them to Russia. They must be eight inches long, two inches wide, and the labels must say 'American condoms: size extra small.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ferqzg/one_day_putin_called_up_trump_asking_for_a_favor/
%
The World Health Organisation have just stated that dogs are immune to Covid-19.

WHO let the dogs out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fermi0/the_world_health_organisation_have_just_stated/
%
If you feel cold.

Try standing in a corner. After all, they are usually 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ferkg5/if_you_feel_cold/
%
In the news: Motorcyclist ...

... who identify himself a bicyclist sets cycling world record.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ferfyr/in_the_news_motorcyclist/
%
Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux was a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana who was born and raised a Baptist . Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
Now, as a point of interest, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic and as such were forbidden to eat meat on Fridays.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. Boudreaux agreed. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass to be confirmed. As the priest sprinkled holy water over Boudreaux he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved until the next Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the air. The priest was called by some of his angry parishioners and told of Boudreaux'’s actions . The priest assured the callers that he would be there immediately. When he got there he rushed into Boudreaux's yard clutching a rosary. He was prepared to scold Boudreaux for what he was doing but what he saw and heard made him stop in amazement. There at the grill stood Boudreaux. He was clutching a small bottle of water, which he carefully sprinkled over the sizzling meat as he chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ferf2u/boudreaux_the_baptist/
%
John Cena woke up from a coma

John Cena: where am I?
Nurse: ICU
John Cena: no you can't..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ferdi7/john_cena_woke_up_from_a_coma/
%
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ferash/a_policeman_searched_me_in_a_public_toilet_last/
%
Lenin walks into a tavern

The comrades ask him to join them for some vodka.
After the first couple of shots Lenin refuses to drink any more.
"But why?" ask the people around him.
"Well", he replies, " the Party says no more than a quarter of vodka per proletariat".
"But, of course", they say to him, " rules don't apply to you, you are Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, our father and brother. You can drink more than the law says."
"Sorry but no", says Lennin, "I can't drink any more".
"But come on, everyone knows how much you like vodka, you can't be serious." the people in the tavern reply.
"Well you are right" Lenin says, "I do like vodka, but the last time I drunk too much I ended up speaking to some workers, I can't even remember what I told them, but they ended up starting a rebellion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fer4z3/lenin_walks_into_a_tavern/
%
teacher and class

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Students: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Students: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Students: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fer2b2/teacher_and_class/
%
Measure of Success

As a toddler, success means not peeing your pants.
At 16, success means getting laid as often as possible.
At 50, success means means a great career and a loving family.
At 65, success means getting laid as often as possible.
At 90, success means not peeing your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fer1vw/measure_of_success/
%
The Coronavirus is deadliest for the elderly.

Might as while go out and get it now, while you're still young.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feqyvr/the_coronavirus_is_deadliest_for_the_elderly/
%
The Australian turns to the cat and asked him, “do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?”

The cat said no. So the Australian picked up the cat and wiped his bum with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feqxt9/the_australian_turns_to_the_cat_and_asked_him_do/
%
How did Hitler tie his shoes?

Gudenteit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feqvjr/how_did_hitler_tie_his_shoes/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees

Because they're so good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feqrui/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
What kind of bank can you make a deposit at and leave with more cash than you went in with?

A sperm bank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feqpp1/what_kind_of_bank_can_you_make_a_deposit_at_and/
%
What does a captain say when he's getting a hand job

All hands on dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feqmw7/what_does_a_captain_say_when_hes_getting_a_hand/
%
When the police showed me nude pictures of my neighbors, I was shocked

that they found them on my computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feqls7/when_the_police_showed_me_nude_pictures_of_my/
%
I spilled a beer on my laptop and now it won't work

Must be the Corona Virus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feqh4w/i_spilled_a_beer_on_my_laptop_and_now_it_wont_work/
%
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Diamond Princess is a viruses best friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feqa7l/diamonds_are_a_girls_best_friend/
%
A guy has to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he forgot his tie so he used jumper cables.

The maître d' says
"I'll let ya in, but don't start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feq7a0/a_guy_has_to_go_to_dinner_at_a_fancy_restaurant/
%
What follows 16 sodium atoms?

Batman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feq6i4/what_follows_16_sodium_atoms/
%
I don't get why pregnant women crave pickles.

A pickle is what got them pregnant in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feq5qd/i_dont_get_why_pregnant_women_crave_pickles/
%
Why are Catholic priests called "father"?

Because "daddy" would be too suspicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feq496/why_are_catholic_priests_called_father/
%
I think Coronavirus is a millennial..

.. Because everyone's OK except the boomers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feq052/i_think_coronavirus_is_a_millennial/
%
At my restaurant, I offer an all-you-can-eat menu of roadkill.

It's truly a flat rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fepz6u/at_my_restaurant_i_offer_an_allyoucaneat_menu_of/
%
Poop jokes are not my favorite kind of joke.

But they’re a solid number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fepy0n/poop_jokes_are_not_my_favorite_kind_of_joke/
%
I asked a French man if he played video games

He said wii

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fept2s/i_asked_a_french_man_if_he_played_video_games/
%
Marriage is like a workshop; the husband works very hard

And the wife shops very hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fepr9l/marriage_is_like_a_workshop_the_husband_works/
%
My grief counselor died recently...

...luckily he was so good I didn't give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fepqt1/my_grief_counselor_died_recently/
%
Did you know my pp used to be in the Guinness book of world records?

Well it was, until I got kicked out of the library

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fepqpt/did_you_know_my_pp_used_to_be_in_the_guinness/
%
There’s two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fepn10/theres_two_fish_in_a_tank/
%
Girl: I'm pregnant.

Guy: Come again?
Girl: That won't be necessary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fephsd/girl_im_pregnant/
%
What happens when you play a country song backwards

The dog lives and the wife returns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fepciu/what_happens_when_you_play_a_country_song/
%
Why couldn’t the kids see a pirate movie?

Because it was rated argh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fep7t4/why_couldnt_the_kids_see_a_pirate_movie/
%
I'm not really a fan of that new masseuse...

They just rub me the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fep78u/im_not_really_a_fan_of_that_new_masseuse/
%
Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?

A girl asked her mum, "Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?"
The mum replied "no who?"
The girl said "Reese something"
The mum said " Witherspoon??"
The girl responded "Nah with a knife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fep719/did_you_hear_about_the_actress_tho_got_stabbed/
%
A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.

Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters, "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says, "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says, "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me."
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and lands in the water. "God Dammit!!" he shouts. The altar boy says, "Father! Your language!" The priest says, "I'm a priest, he'll let it slide."
On the third hole he hits a beautiful long drive straight down the fairway. The ball bounces onto the green. The priest grabs his binoculars and watches it roll toward the hole. The priest is thinking, "I'm gonna get a hole in one!" But the ball stops about a half inch short. The priest throws his club and screams, "GOD DAMMIT!"
The altar boy goes to retrieve the club. As he runs by the priest, a bolt of lightning streaks down out of the sky and kills the altar boy. A thundering voice from the heavens booms out, "God Dammit!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feowll/a_priest_goes_out_practice_golfing_and_has_an/
%
What does PhD stand for?

Fancy Degree.
It's so fancy it's spelled with a Ph.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feowdk/what_does_phd_stand_for/
%
YSK: how to tell a Rectal thermometer from an Oral thermometer.

They taste totally different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feovsa/ysk_how_to_tell_a_rectal_thermometer_from_an_oral/
%
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...

...has always been my Achilles' elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feomfk/my_poor_knowledge_of_greek_mythology/
%
What is a masochistics favorite vegetable?

The artichoke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feof3k/what_is_a_masochistics_favorite_vegetable/
%
My Egyptian friend just died

I guess it's a wrap...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feo7ts/my_egyptian_friend_just_died/
%
As my father and I shared some weed I told him all the great things about my wife.

I was speaking highly of her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fenzs4/as_my_father_and_i_shared_some_weed_i_told_him/
%
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they’re all dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fenuwq/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
Are you a star?

Cause looking at you is burning my retinas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fenucg/are_you_a_star/
%
Thanos X John Wick

Advisor to Thanos: "Sir, John Wick survived the snap."
Thanos: "So?"
Advisor to Thanos; "His dog didn't."
Thanos: "Oh....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fentm2/thanos_x_john_wick/
%
What’s yellow and can’t float?

A school bus full of kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fenoys/whats_yellow_and_cant_float/
%
A band’s drummer dies suddenly

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out.   It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get gum diease", or "Make sure you drink 8 glasses of water a day, or else you'll get dehydrated".  As the night goes on, the warnings get more severe. Things like "Don't buy alcohol before you're 21, or else you could face severe criminal and civil charges" and "The purchase or use of illegal drugs could land you in jail, and cost you thousands of dollars"   Finally the lead singer has had enough. He pulls the drummer aside and says "listen, you're a great drummer. But you gotta knock it off with these weird warnings.  Is there any way you can stop?"
The drummer says "Sorry, I guess it's just in my nature.   I'm a repercussionist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feno4f/a_bands_drummer_dies_suddenly/
%
A man comes home after winning the lottery...

And he says to his wife "Honey. Pack your bags. I won the lottery."
She replies, "Oh my god! Where are we going!"
The man says "Who said anything about we? Honey pack your bags. I won the lottery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feni6s/a_man_comes_home_after_winning_the_lottery/
%
How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In little knotsies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fenh7s/how_did_hitler_tie_his_shoes/
%
What do you call a gay couch?

A homo sectional

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fengy8/what_do_you_call_a_gay_couch/
%
Hitler's favourite animal?

Adolfin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fengmk/hitlers_favourite_animal/
%
I bought my friend four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive, and now she crying, she asked me..

“How the fuck am I going to feed four kids”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fendm2/i_bought_my_friend_four_pregnancy_tests_and_they/
%
I broke my arm in 4 places

The doctor told me to stop going to those places.
(Yay it’s my cake day)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fencg9/i_broke_my_arm_in_4_places/
%
Whats the worst joke to hear during a cremation?

Knock knock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fen3l1/whats_the_worst_joke_to_hear_during_a_cremation/
%
Someday we will have to explain the song 'baby it's cold outside' to our kids as it becomes more and more controversial.

We will have to explain to them how it used to get cold outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fen0y8/someday_we_will_have_to_explain_the_song_baby_its/
%
You know how they say that the human body is 60% water...

I’m not fat... I’m just hydrated AF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/femyxn/you_know_how_they_say_that_the_human_body_is_60/
%
My friend with a speech impediment thought that Chewbacca was an Ewok.

Such a Wookie mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/femw94/my_friend_with_a_speech_impediment_thought_that/
%
What is a similarity between a gun and a bag of chips

When I pull it out at school everyone wants to be your friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/femw72/what_is_a_similarity_between_a_gun_and_a_bag_of/
%
A guy sees an attractive lady at the bar.

He sits by her and asks if he can buy her a drink. She says "okay, but it's not going to do you any good". He's like "okay" and buys the drink anyways. They drink it down and he says "I'm going to buy you another drink" she again says "Okay but it's not going to do you any good". He again buys it anyways. After the second one he again says he's gonna buy her another drink and the lady again says "okay but it's not going to do you any good". He buys it again but then asks...okay, why isn't it going to do me any good? She says "you see that woman on the other side of the bar? Well, I'm a lesbian and I'd love to just rip her clothes off and eat her pussy right here". The man starts sobbing and the lady asks what's wrong.
He replies. "I think I'm a lesbian too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fempm8/a_guy_sees_an_attractive_lady_at_the_bar/
%
What's more disgusting than a millipede?

A millipooed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/femp0m/whats_more_disgusting_than_a_millipede/
%
Two scientists got married and had identical twins

They named one Johnny, and the other control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/femmxi/two_scientists_got_married_and_had_identical_twins/
%
I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A garam or two will do. I got a job as a bartender, but I had to cardamom and she got go so mad she threw me into the bay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/femlu2/ive_got_too_much_thyme_on_my_hands/
%
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed

Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/femis3/i_told_a_joke_about_coronavirus_and_nobody_laughed/
%
Why does Plankton's wife always complain to him?

Because that's what happens when Karen speaks to the manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/femgdw/why_does_planktons_wife_always_complain_to_him/
%
What does your Canadian friend cooking dinner for you have in common with the Empire from Star Wars?

Pal-poutine
.
.
.
.
.
Sorry, I'll get my coat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/femg0a/what_does_your_canadian_friend_cooking_dinner_for/
%
Hey baby, are you the coronavirus?

Cause I wanna stay in bed with you for 2 weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/femfdf/hey_baby_are_you_the_coronavirus/
%
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you're in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/femdx4/surprise_sex_is_the_best_thing_to_wake_up_to/
%
They used to call me "the virgin" until last night's party

Now they call me "Drunky McShitpants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fem898/they_used_to_call_me_the_virgin_until_last_nights/
%
A truck carrying vicks vaporub crashed on the highway.

However, there was no congestion for hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fem5r1/a_truck_carrying_vicks_vaporub_crashed_on_the/
%
Why do Native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fem0hz/why_do_native_americans_hate_april/
%
A man and his wife are walking through the streets of Moscow in the 40s

Something starts to fall from the sky one christmas evening...
The woman stops and says, "it's snowing!"
Her husband replies, "no, it's raining, I think...."
The two of them argue for a moment before the man stops her, "let's get a second opinion...."
They approach a nearby communist officer and ask, "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
The officer replies, "definitely raining."
The man turns to his wife and says, "see? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/felwpk/a_man_and_his_wife_are_walking_through_the/
%
Tutorial on how to fall on stairs.

Step 1, Step 2, Step 4, Step 7, Step 11, Step 14 and Step 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feltv9/tutorial_on_how_to_fall_on_stairs/
%
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend

I responded with "I have a math test tommorow"
She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/felmwz/yesterday_i_asked_a_girl_out_but_she_told_me_she/
%
Why are gay people so good with fashion?

They spend all that time in the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/felm4p/why_are_gay_people_so_good_with_fashion/
%
Why did the √2 tell everyone the world is flat?

'Cause it's irrational!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/felirv/why_did_the_2_tell_everyone_the_world_is_flat/
%
Girl are you a princess?

Because you look like you died in a car crash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/felfo7/girl_are_you_a_princess/
%
3 rules of advice

1. Never reveal everything you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fele3s/3_rules_of_advice/
%
Went to the store to buy 6 cans of coke

But I accidentally picked 7up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/felb0g/went_to_the_store_to_buy_6_cans_of_coke/
%
A Toronto man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Toronto.”
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Toronto man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine.
“No problem…just like Toronto in June,” the man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Toronto man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.
“No problem. Just like Toronto in July,” the man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.
He says, “No problem. Just like Toronto in August.”
Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.
When he goes back now to see how the Toronto man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on. To which the Toronto man replies…..
“THE LEAFS WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!”
“THE LEAFS WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!”
Now watch the Leafs win it all and make me look like a jerk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fel29q/a_toronto_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
Why are Saturdays and Sundays the strong days?

Because all of the other days are the WEAKDAYS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fekycj/why_are_saturdays_and_sundays_the_strong_days/
%
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feky8e/my_wife_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead_of/
%
I beat my meat on a plane the other day...

Turns out you can get arrested for high jacking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fekn1l/i_beat_my_meat_on_a_plane_the_other_day/
%
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry...

...to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."
The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fekmwd/a_dinner_speaker_was_in_such_a_hurry/
%
I just made a book out of duct tape!

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feklhr/i_just_made_a_book_out_of_duct_tape/
%
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

##
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fek2rl/i_wrote_the_names_of_everyone_ive_unfriended_onto/
%
Coke is too hard to work into a palindrome

**Bartender who talks in palindromes:** Yako, is Pepsi okay?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fek2bn/coke_is_too_hard_to_work_into_a_palindrome/
%
A procrastinator walks into a bar...

eventually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fejt5h/a_procrastinator_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west

If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fejpcp/lots_of_violence_could_have_been_prevented_in_the/
%
There are two types of people in the world:

1. Those who can make good inferences from incomplete data
2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feiz9k/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
The average person...

...is really mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feiyxa/the_average_person/
%
The inventor of autocorrect walks into a bar

he asks for a bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feila7/the_inventor_of_autocorrect_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer

He said "if you can reach those for me you can have them."
But the steaks were too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feibjx/i_went_to_the_butcher_to_find_him_trying_to/
%
Once when I was younger, my sister walked in on me while I was masturbating.

She screamed at me and called me a pervert.
A couple of days later, I walked in on her while she was masturbating.
She screamed at me and called me a pervert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feiapv/once_when_i_was_younger_my_sister_walked_in_on_me/
%
When were ancient Roman women the sexiest?

When they turned XXX.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fei97u/when_were_ancient_roman_women_the_sexiest/
%
What did the horny Roman say to his girlfriend?

Wanna LXIX tonight?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fei7vb/what_did_the_horny_roman_say_to_his_girlfriend/
%
Two Paraplegics Walk Into A Bar,

Nevermind they rolled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fei34u/two_paraplegics_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Two Irish Couples

Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Brian says: "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fehpwo/two_irish_couples/
%
Did you know

12.5% of statistics are made up on the spot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fehnn7/did_you_know/
%
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fehht4/when_adam_stayed_out_very_late_for_a_few_nights/
%
Why do the Scottish graze their sheep at the edges of a cliff?

They push back harder when you're shagging them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fehflk/why_do_the_scottish_graze_their_sheep_at_the/
%
My GF left me because I am insecure

wait, she just went to other room and came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feh5am/my_gf_left_me_because_i_am_insecure/
%
Normal snake: Hissss

Feminist snake: Herrrr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feh1lz/normal_snake_hissss/
%
Why did the trigonometrical ratio of a triangle go to jail?

Because cos B is a sexual offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feh0g1/why_did_the_trigonometrical_ratio_of_a_triangle/
%
A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? "

The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are.
The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the blackberries, I need some blackberries right now!"
The stockboy, getting frustated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answer a couple of questions and I will get you your blackberries from the back."
The lady agrees and the stockboy starts the questions.
"Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. "
The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuc, as in blueberries. "
She replies "There is no Fuc in blackberries?"
To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fegxxu/a_stockboy_is_stacking_fruit_on_a_display_when_a/
%
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?

A micro transaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fegxew/what_do_you_call_two_transgender_midgets_having/
%
Recently a teacher got arrested...

Police found a pencil, ruler and notebook. Allegedly he was part of the Al-Gebra network and possessed weapons of math instruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fegutl/recently_a_teacher_got_arrested/
%
Last night around 3 a.m. the neighbour rang my doorbell...

...he shocked me so much with it that I almost dropped the drill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feglvo/last_night_around_3_am_the_neighbour_rang_my/
%
There are two kinds of people in this world

People who can extrapolate based on incomplete information ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fegkw8/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Why are there fences around cemetery’s

Because everyone is dying to get in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fegiln/why_are_there_fences_around_cemeterys/
%
Did you hear that new joke about EA?

[Please Buy the Punchline DLC to unlock this bonus Content]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feghvp/did_you_hear_that_new_joke_about_ea/
%
Lost in Translation

In my youth I was a bit of a Lady's man and had quite my share of girlfriends.
At one point, while I was at university, I went to Germany for Erasmus and I met a university colleague that I ended up dating for a while.
She had the strange fetish of giving me a score whenever we made love.
One night, after a few kisses and groping, I decided I was going to have anal sex with her.
So, in the middle of the passion and the heat of the moment, I put my penis in her ass, without preparation, without warning, without lubricant at all.
She didn't even wait for the intercourse to end, I never got such a high score, she just screamed "Nein" "Nein".
Almost TEN... I felt such a champ!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fegh25/lost_in_translation/
%
My Girlfriend invited me over last night.

I got to her house right as I got home. I walked in the door and the only person home was her sister.
I sit down next to her unbelievably sexy sister and we talk for a bjt. A while later she goes "you wanna have sex while my sister isn't home?"
I instantly got up and turned around back to my car.
I found my girlfriend standing by the door. She hugged me and said "you've won my trust."
Moral of the story: Always keep condoms in your car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feg9tp/my_girlfriend_invited_me_over_last_night/
%
10 years ago I would've brought home eggs, bread, cigarettes and milk from the supermarket with just 5€ in my pocket.

But today they have surveillance cameras everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feg6ls/10_years_ago_i_wouldve_brought_home_eggs_bread/
%
What is the definition of mixed feelings?

When your mother-in-law is driving your new Tesla towards a cliff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feg4xs/what_is_the_definition_of_mixed_feelings/
%
Happy Family

Dad: I'm divorcing your mom
Son: Hi Divorcing your mom, I'm Son
Dad: No you're not, thats why I'm divorcing her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fefzau/happy_family/
%
A German and a Jew were having a conversation about the time of WW2

Jew: "My grandparents died in Auschwitz. It was horrible."
German: "I can feel your pain... My grandfather died in Auschwitz too."
Jew: "How come? Was he a socialist?"
German: "No, he wasn't."
Jew: "Then surely he was a communist, right?!"
German: "No, he wasn't a communist either".
Jew: "Then he must've been retarded or considered antisocial."
German: "No. He lived quite a normal life for the time."
Jew: "Then how come he died?"
German: "Well... One night he was out drinking and partying with his friends so hard, that he was still drunk the next day when he went to work..."
Jew: "But you said that he died in Auschwitz."
German: "Yeah... He still was so drunk the next day, that he fell from the guard tower."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fefph6/a_german_and_a_jew_were_having_a_conversation/
%
I caught my elder brother masturbating when I was a kid

He told me he's practicing Kung Fu.
I would never forget the day my primary school teacher asked in my class that who can perform Kung Fu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fefm3b/i_caught_my_elder_brother_masturbating_when_i_was/
%
There’s only 10 types of people

Those who understand binary and those who don’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feflus/theres_only_10_types_of_people/
%
My boss said you need sexual harassment training

I said I already know how to sexually harass people just fine, ask your secretary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fefh8b/my_boss_said_you_need_sexual_harassment_training/
%
Religion is like a penis.

It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fefbp2/religion_is_like_a_penis/
%
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch

He could binomial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feez6g/i_knew_a_mathematician_who_couldnt_afford_lunch/
%
The guy that created autocorrect just died:

Restaurant in piece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feexke/the_guy_that_created_autocorrect_just_died/
%
Two cows were grazing in the meadow.

One cow said to the other "are you worried about mad cow disease"
The other cow says "why would I be worried about mad cow disease, I'm an airplane"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feexdw/two_cows_were_grazing_in_the_meadow/
%
There are three friends: Shutup, Mind and Troublez.

Each one named according to their personality.
One day, while playing in the playground - Troublez goes missing.
Shutup and Mind decided to go to the police station.
Mind is tired and sits outside on the bench.
Shutup goes in:
Shutup: "I'd like to report a missing person."
Officer: "Name?"
Shutup: "Shutup."
Officer: "Excuse me?! Are you looking for trouble?"
Shutup: "Yes!"
Officer: "Have you lost your mind?"
Shutup: "No, he's outside on the bench."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feewbf/there_are_three_friends_shutup_mind_and_troublez/
%
97% of the world's population is good at maths

I belong to the rest 4%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feerhq/97_of_the_worlds_population_is_good_at_maths/
%
I was sitting in traffic the other day...

So I got run over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feeqte/i_was_sitting_in_traffic_the_other_day/
%
The three rules for success in life...

1.  Don't tell everything that you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feen8x/the_three_rules_for_success_in_life/
%
I found this video that gives you coronavirus when you watch it.

It went viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feelne/i_found_this_video_that_gives_you_coronavirus/
%
What do you get if you cross a bunch porn addicts and living disappointments?

The reddit community.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feekk4/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_bunch_porn_addicts/
%
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

Hand eeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyeeeeeeeeee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feei9h/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
%
I got an award for pickpocketing

I didn't win it though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feehw3/i_got_an_award_for_pickpocketing/
%
The Aduit

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feeg9s/the_aduit/
%
A bouquet of flowers

A man walks past a flower shop one day and thinks how he never buys flowers for his wife. So he steps in and orders a nice bouquet of flowers.
He comes home, rings the doorbell. His wife opens the door. He hands her the bouquet and she goes wild with excitement! She pulls him in, closes the door and tugs him directly into the bedroom...
In a flash she disrobes, throws herself on the bed, spreads her legs wide open and says:
"Darling! This is for the wonderful bouquet of flowers you bought me!"
The husband looks at her and replies: "Can't you just put them in a vase, like everyone else?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feefla/a_bouquet_of_flowers/
%
Communists don't play Minecraft.....

......they play Ourcraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feebia/communists_dont_play_minecraft/
%
What do you call a blind German?

A not-see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feeavs/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
%
A man is having an affair on his wife with his secretary

One day after work they lose track of time while making love in his office. In a panic the man exclaims he must get home now or else his wife will surely know. Worried, the secretary asks what he will say. The man has an idea, and tells her to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass while he gets dressed; confused, but she does it anyway.
Just as the sun had set the man comes walking up to his house and his wife meets him at the door. “Where the hell have you been all day?!” She asks. “Honey, I have something to confess. I’ve been having an affair with me secretary and we’ve been making passionate love after work,” he tells her.
Stunned, the wife stands there looking him up and down not knowing what to say. Until she spots his shoes, covered in grass clippings and stains to which she says: “You lying son of a bitch, you’ve been out playing golf with Larry again haven’t you?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fee8qv/a_man_is_having_an_affair_on_his_wife_with_his/
%
Doctor told me I have viral eye infection...

Must be the cornea virus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fee4yz/doctor_told_me_i_have_viral_eye_infection/
%
What does a penis and a gas pump have in common?

No matter how many times you shake, it will drip on something you didn't want it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fee1ou/what_does_a_penis_and_a_gas_pump_have_in_common/
%
The three unwritten rules of life

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fedxa9/the_three_unwritten_rules_of_life/
%
I sometimes order an undercooked steak.

But it’s rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fedtqj/i_sometimes_order_an_undercooked_steak/
%
Damn Girl, you should sell hotdogs.

Cause you make my Weiner stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fedsmd/damn_girl_you_should_sell_hotdogs/
%
Did you know Rihanna wrote a song about her grandma having Alzheimer's?

It goes: "oh Nana, what's my name?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fedseg/did_you_know_rihanna_wrote_a_song_about_her/
%
Damn girl,are you a microwave?

Cause mmmmmmmmmmmm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fedpro/damn_girlare_you_a_microwave/
%
Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fedhhd/interviewer_are_you_smart_bob_im_not_smart_but_i/
%
If all of the Democratic candidates this primary had military experience...

...then, in theory, we could have seen a race between G.I. Joe and Colonel Sanders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fedebc/if_all_of_the_democratic_candidates_this_primary/
%
My sister was yelling again and I slammed the door of her room so hard that a piece broke off the lock.

Apparently, I fucked the shut up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feddon/my_sister_was_yelling_again_and_i_slammed_the/
%
A man is at a woman's house and she is cheating on her husband (long)

While they are having sex, her husband comes home early. Not knowing what to do, woman shoves the man in the closet.
"It's dark and cold in here." kid's voice says in the closet
Man realises that woman's kid has been playing in the closet the whole time.
"What would you like to not tell your dad I was in your closet?"
"A soccer ball would be nice and it costs $25."
Man gives the kid $25 and goes on his merry way.
Next time woman and the man are having sex and her husband gets home early again. Not knowing what to do, she shoves him in the closet again.
"It's dark and cold in here."
"What would you want to not tell your dad I was here?"
"Soccer cleats would be nice and they go for about $75."
Man gives the kid $75 and goes on his merry way.
Next time woman and the man are having sex and her husband gets home early again, so she shoves him in the closet again.
"It's dark and cold in here."
"What would you want to not tell your dad I was here?"
"Shin guards would be nice and they go for about $$30"
Man gives the kid $30 and goes on his merry way.
Next day kid is playing soccer outside and his mom and dad see all the new gear. They start grilling him where he got it and the kid won't confess. They decide to drag him to the church to confess, since he must have stolen all the gear.
They get to the church and shove him in the confessional.
"It's dark and cold in here."
"Ok, I've had enough of that dark and cold shit kid - how much money do you want this time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fedcuu/a_man_is_at_a_womans_house_and_she_is_cheating_on/
%
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?"

I said: "No it doesn't!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fedciw/my_friend_says_to_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fedbnj/did_you_hear_about_the_actor_who_fell_through_the/
%
A good joke is easy to understand

So I keep my life simple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fed9k9/a_good_joke_is_easy_to_understand/
%
What's does Drum and Bass have in common with my crying son?

160 beats per minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fed27l/whats_does_drum_and_bass_have_in_common_with_my/
%
A man is walking down the street and sees another guy with a tiny companion who is about a foot tall and playing Bach on a little piano.

He hesitates for a second before saying “sorry, but I’ve got to ask: what’s your story?”
The bigger guy points to the unmarked storefront behind him and says “there is a genie inside granting wishes.”
Mouth agape, hardly believing what he hears, the man curiously walks inside, and sure enough, sees a small golden lamp sitting on a table. He rubs the lamp, and a wispy trail of smoke begins to leak out, coalescing into the basic stereotypical genie, shirtless vest, turban, baggy pants and all. In a booming voice, the genie says, “WELL MET, TRAVELER, WHAT IS YOUR HEART’S DESIRE? I CAN GRANT YOU ONE WISH!”
“I’d like to be incredibly rich!”
“SAY AGAIN?”
“I’d like to be rich beyond my wildest dreams!”
“I’M SORRY YOU’LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP!”
Raising his voice to a shout, the man says again “I WANT A MILLION BUCKS!”
The genie registers a look of recognition and snaps his fingers, and materializing out of thin air, countless ducks appear, quacking and flapping their wings, covering every inch of the floor, falling and flailing all over each other, and streaming further out the door. The genie disappears back into his lamp. Simultaneously awestruck and pissed off, he rubs the lamp again to no avail.
Walking back outside, he sees the man and his little musician, and the rest of what he’s fairly sure amounts to a million ducks. Angrily, he says, “that genie was fucking deaf! I wished for a million bucks and this is what I got!”
“Well you didn’t think I really wished for a 12 inch pianist, did you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fecxcr/a_man_is_walking_down_the_street_and_sees_another/
%
A man inherits a small fortune and vacations in the LA nightlife where he meets a gorgeous young woman.

He asks her out for a night on the town with him and she says:
"You can't afford me."
"Try me, how much for a strip show?" He replies.
"$10,000 dollars even." she says.
"You can't be serious?!" He proclaims.
"Let's take a walk outside." She replies. He agrees and they walk outside the casino into a private parking garage filled with luxury vehicles. "You see these cars? I own these cars because men pay me for a strip show."
He thought for a few moments. "Damn, I should get my money's worth then. Alright." She brings him to a velvet bedroom and as expected he gets the best strip show he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"
"$25,000" she replies.
"$25,000?!? You are out of your mind. In your dreams!" He shouts
"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $25,000 for blow jobs."
"Well, I'm paying for quality so how can I say no?"
Once again, it is the blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and he's practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"
"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.
"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.
"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."
“But sir this is original content! I only copied the top half...” Is what the gorgeous woman said as he was leaving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fecwq2/a_man_inherits_a_small_fortune_and_vacations_in/
%
Surgeons

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fecrf7/surgeons/
%
What did the hypocrite say?

Don't be a hypocrite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fecomy/what_did_the_hypocrite_say/
%
I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

## Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fecgqj/ive_been_reading_lord_of_the_rings_and_apparently/
%
There was an indian chief who was constipated...

...he sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior goes to the doctor and says "Big Chief, no shit". The doctor gave him one pill and told him "the chief should be fine tomorrow"
The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. The next morning the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no shit". The doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the chief.
The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet again saying "big chief, no shit". The doctor gets annoyed and so gives the
warrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.
The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor
Big shit!! No chief

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fecapj/there_was_an_indian_chief_who_was_constipated/
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Two fish in a tank...

The first fish says, “Who's driving this thing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feca50/two_fish_in_a_tank/
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I handed my dad his 50th birthday card

With tears in his eyes he says
One would've been enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fec2tp/i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card/
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My wife will complain about things until the cows come home.

At the moment she is complaining about how I lost all our cows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/febyh4/my_wife_will_complain_about_things_until_the_cows/
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What do you call a rooster that stares at lettuce all day long?

Chicken sees a salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/febtje/what_do_you_call_a_rooster_that_stares_at_lettuce/
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A Pakistani man found the image of prophet Muhammad in his tub of margarine.

He showed it to his Chinese neighbour who said
"I cannot believe it's not Buddha"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/febpin/a_pakistani_man_found_the_image_of_prophet/
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Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?

They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/febkm5/why_arent_school_shooting_jokes_funny/
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Two IT experts at lunch

Guy 1: So anyway, Dave left the firm.
Guy 2: Where'd he go?
Guy 1: In a gay club. He said the pay is better and he doesn't get fucked nearly as often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/febgn1/two_it_experts_at_lunch/
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The man who invented the crowbar has died, destitute and broke.

Turns out crows don't drink alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/febdhx/the_man_who_invented_the_crowbar_has_died/
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I'm optimistically single.‬

My bed is half full.. ‬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/febb0v/im_optimistically_single/
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Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4..‬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/febau5/did_you_know_alligators_can_grow_up_to_15_feet/
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How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A Brazillian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feb9i3/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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I help blind people.

By the way, the verb, not the adjective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feb951/i_help_blind_people/
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“Life is like a dick”

Life is like a dick
Sometimes it’s up
Most of the time it’s down
But it won’t be hard forever
Life is also short

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feb8ep/life_is_like_a_dick/
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An engineer goes to hell...

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feb797/an_engineer_goes_to_hell/
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A disheveled man with a shrunken head walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to relax, so the curious bartender feels comfortable enough to inquire about the man's tiny noggin.
"Sorry to be intrusive.. but how did you end up with such a tiny head?" Asks the bartender.
The man replies:  "I was the captain of an elite naval vessel patrolling the Pacific when my ship took on water.  We sunk in mere minutes.  After a long night bobbing in shark infested waters, I washed up on the shore of an uninhabited island."
"After six months of surviving on coconuts and mussels, I started to wish that I had died with the rest of my crew.  Just then, I saw a beautiful woman sun-bathing on the beach."
"Help! I cried out to her, only for her to roll down the beach and into the surf.  To my surprise, she started swimming in my direction.  Upon her arrival, I was shocked to see she was an actual mermaid!"
"A magical mermaid, in fact.  She said she could grant me three wishes.  My first wish was for a new boat so I could sail home, and *POOF!* new boat. My second wish was for 10 million dollars, and *POOF!*  my pockets were bursting with cash."
"After two granted wishes, I had all I could ever need.  I figured I'd have some fun with my last wish.  I had been lonely and sex deprived for months, so I asked to have sex with the mermaid."
"The mermaid told me that sex with her would be impossible, as she is all fish parts from the waist down."
"Disappointed, I asked the mermaid:  Can I get a little head?"
*POOF!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feb4pl/a_disheveled_man_with_a_shrunken_head_walks_into/
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If opinions really were like assholes

my uncle would show a lot more interest in my opinion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feaw4o/if_opinions_really_were_like_assholes/
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2 men go hunting in the bush

As they were stalking an elk, a snake bit the first man. The second man freaked out and shot the snake. He then proceeded to call 000.
"000, what's your emergency?"
"Help! A snake bit my friend and I think he's dead!"
"Ok, we need to be sure if he's dead. Can you do that for me?"
"Of course! I'll be right back."
The man put the phone down, leaving the 000 operator waiting on him. The operator heard a gunshot, and then footsteps.
"Ok, he's definitely dead. What next?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feamug/2_men_go_hunting_in_the_bush/
%
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.

She has selfie steam issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feaj6b/my_girlfriend_tried_to_take_a_selfie_in_the/
%
What happens if all the stores run out of toilet paper?

Don't panic, the banks can print more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feafvl/what_happens_if_all_the_stores_run_out_of_toilet/
%
My wife and I decided not to have kids.

They are now depressed and homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/feaczl/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
%
Every time my girlfriend climaxes during sex she blurts out the ending of a movie or a show and ends up spoiling it for me.

I really wish I could get her to stop cumming to conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fea4f1/every_time_my_girlfriend_climaxes_during_sex_she/
%
I was addicted to masturbating, now I’m addicted to sex.

It’s really gotten out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe9zqo/i_was_addicted_to_masturbating_now_im_addicted_to/
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Bakery in Pakistan

A guy named Sarim works at a bakery in Karachi, Pakistan. As a gopher, he is obligated to serve the baker. One day the baker says "Sam, go and get me a bag of flour." Sam goes to get the bag and puts it on his head. Unfortunately the bag breaks and covers him from head to toe. Dejected, he walks back to the kitchen. "Oh my goodness Sam! What happened?"
"Well, I was carrying the bag of flour above my head and it broke so now I am going to go home and come back in 20 minutes."
He walks out to the lobby where he meets the receptionist. "Oh my goodness Sam! What happened?"
"Well, I was carrying the bag of flour above my head and it broke so now I am going to go home and come back in 20 minutes."
Hopping on the same bus he rides everyday, the bus driver inquires: "Oh my goodness Sam! What happened?"
"Well, I was carrying the bag of flour above my head and it broke so now I am going to go home and come back in 20 minutes."
This happens a few more times on the way home. At the door to his home, he climbs the stairs, puts the key in the lock, and begins to twist when he is spotted by his neighbour.
"Oh my goodness, SAM! What happened?"
"GODDAMMIT! I have only been white for 10 minutes and already you fucking Pakis are getting on my nerves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe9t40/bakery_in_pakistan/
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All I want my girlfriend to do is

Exist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe9rkk/all_i_want_my_girlfriend_to_do_is/
%
The first rule is passive aggressive club is:

You know what, never mind, it’s fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe9p8d/the_first_rule_is_passive_aggressive_club_is/
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What do you call it when two vegans are fighting?

Plant-based beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe9otk/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_vegans_are_fighting/
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Did you hear Elizabeth Warren cancelled her campaign?

It wasn't the first race she has had to leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe9kp2/did_you_hear_elizabeth_warren_cancelled_her/
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Let me tell my favorite subreddit about my grandfather

He was a good and very brave man.
He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe9jik/let_me_tell_my_favorite_subreddit_about_my/
%
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe97bo/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_view_mirrors/
%
First I need to get some shit off my chest.

And then let my wife know I'm not into this fetish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe90fu/first_i_need_to_get_some_shit_off_my_chest/
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What did the pirate Reddit user say when he found a treasure chest?

“This will probably get buried but...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe907c/what_did_the_pirate_reddit_user_say_when_he_found/
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What do you call a poker player that is also a doctor?

A cardiologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe8vx9/what_do_you_call_a_poker_player_that_is_also_a/
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Do you think Neil was tired after flying to the Moon?

Probably not, that’s why they called him Armstrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe8vii/do_you_think_neil_was_tired_after_flying_to_the/
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I told my wife that I just found out our neighbor died last night.

She said "Who? Ray?"
I said "I don't think cheering is appropriate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe8tsv/i_told_my_wife_that_i_just_found_out_our_neighbor/
%
Since yesterday I've been feeling a strong urge to take a world tour.

The symptoms of Coronavirus are probably kicking in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe8s8o/since_yesterday_ive_been_feeling_a_strong_urge_to/
%
I sued the airline for losing my luggage

But i lost the case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe8pe7/i_sued_the_airline_for_losing_my_luggage/
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ALERT‼️‼️‼️ The corona virus can be spread through money.

If you have any money at home, put on some gloves, put all the money in a plastic bag and put it outside the front door tonight.
I'm collecting all the plastic bags tonight for safety. Think of your health.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe8llk/alert_the_corona_virus_can_be_spread_through_money/
%
For my birthday I got a sweater.

I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe8eyr/for_my_birthday_i_got_a_sweater/
%
Why are coronavirus patients bad at basketball?

They always travel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe8aib/why_are_coronavirus_patients_bad_at_basketball/
%
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?

Gorgonzola.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe8aax/what_is_medusas_favorite_cheese/
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Any joke can be funny with the right delivery,

Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe84el/any_joke_can_be_funny_with_the_right_delivery/
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Sometimes my wife laughs at how competitive I am

But I just laugh back. More. And louder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe804b/sometimes_my_wife_laughs_at_how_competitive_i_am/
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What do French-canadian lesbians call scissoring?

A beaver trade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe7s70/what_do_frenchcanadian_lesbians_call_scissoring/
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My kid was blown away when I did the perfect dive into the pool.

Just so happened a tornado ripped through the town at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe7itg/my_kid_was_blown_away_when_i_did_the_perfect_dive/
%
A priest and a rabbit walk into a bar

The rabbit says I might be a typo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe7f2p/a_priest_and_a_rabbit_walk_into_a_bar/
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery,
"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe7cxe/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
%
What did one saggy boob say to the other boob?

We better get some support before people think we're nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe77dt/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_boob/
%
I can walk on water

But I just kind of stumble on whisky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe72c8/i_can_walk_on_water/
%
When a special kid comes late into class

Is it okay to call them tardy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe6zib/when_a_special_kid_comes_late_into_class/
%
How Long, is a man in China.

Yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe6yzo/how_long_is_a_man_in_china/
%
A guy was trafficking drugs hiding them in his testicles

The airport security dog started barking at the guy.
The cops grew suspicious. So they took him to he interrogation room and stripped him off his clothes.
The officer started checking this guy. As soon as he touched his testicles he felt he was onto something.
So he tried to break his testicles to investigate further.
However, they wouldn't break. He was a hard nut to crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe6vm9/a_guy_was_trafficking_drugs_hiding_them_in_his/
%
What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe6s9n/what_does_a_robot_do_during_a_one_night_stand/
%
An orange is in a supermarket

The security guard comes over to him and asks “what are you doing?”
The orange replies “nothing, just looking round”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe6okk/an_orange_is_in_a_supermarket/
%
My friends bakery burnt down the other day

Now his business is toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe6mod/my_friends_bakery_burnt_down_the_other_day/
%
I had to borrow a truck from my good friend Ben Thunder.

I have Ben Thunder's truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe6ijy/i_had_to_borrow_a_truck_from_my_good_friend_ben/
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4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.
Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test.
Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions:
For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5?
For 95% credit, which tire went flat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe6edz/4_college_guys_go_on_a_weekend_road_trip/
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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him. He says "what are you doing?" She says "I'm making you white like a statue. Just stand in a pose, my husband will never know you're real, because he's stupid!" Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her "what's that?" She says "Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much that she took me to get one." He shrugs it off and goes about his business. That night the boyfriend is still standing in the living room still posed, too afraid to escape. He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich. He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says "Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat."
*Edit: Fixed some of the grammatical errors- sorry its not much better- i'm tired.
**Wow, did not expect this to get so much attention! Thanks for the upvotes!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe6dwg/a_lady_who_is_cheating_on_her_husband/
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Damn girl are you my cake day?

Because I want to exploit you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe5xx6/damn_girl_are_you_my_cake_day/
%
Having a PhD. gains you leverage in online dating

Helps with handling rejections well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe5sj7/having_a_phd_gains_you_leverage_in_online_dating/
%
How does the French Military advertise its surplus WW2 rifles?

“Brand new, only been thrown onto the ground once.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe5og9/how_does_the_french_military_advertise_its/
%
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.

W.H.O. let the dogs out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe5cmp/the_world_health_organization_has_declared_that/
%
What’s the only thing worse than a divorce?

A stock market crash. You lose half your money but your wife is still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe5adx/whats_the_only_thing_worse_than_a_divorce/
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What’s a pirates favorite letter?

R be a good guess but their true love is the C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe58yg/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
School

The male teacher in a girls’ school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. Then replied, “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal.”
The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary’s reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lilly put up her hand. “Yes, Lilly?” asked the teacher.
“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye.”
“Very good. Thanks, Lilly,” said the male teacher.
Very good. Thanks, Lilly,” said the male teacher.
He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: “Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.
Second, you have a DIRTY mind.
And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe4zrj/school/
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What's high in the middle and circular on both ends?

Ohio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe4qo9/whats_high_in_the_middle_and_circular_on_both_ends/
%
A guy in a wheelchair stole my camo jacket.

He can hide but he can’t run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe4joe/a_guy_in_a_wheelchair_stole_my_camo_jacket/
%
How many sexually frustrated people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two, but you need a pretty big light bulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe4eiw/how_many_sexually_frustrated_people_does_it_take/
%
Dick is like hair ties

You either have so many that you don’t know what to do with them or you can’t find one anywhere when you need it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe45sa/dick_is_like_hair_ties/
%
If pronouncing all my B's as V's makes me sound Russian....

....then Soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe45s0/if_pronouncing_all_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound/
%
I watched a Liam Neeson action movie that had the unrealistic parts deleted.

It was Taken seriously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe45rf/i_watched_a_liam_neeson_action_movie_that_had_the/
%
Saw a strip club across the street from the Mini Golf course.

I’m just trying to have a nice afternoon with my kids and I look across the street and see a bunch of losers playing mini golf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe45lp/saw_a_strip_club_across_the_street_from_the_mini/
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April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.
As time went by, June got the impression that April was drifting away, and becoming colder. With every day, it felt as though the gap between them grew wider and wider. June had a suspicion as to what the cause might be- a little hussy by the name of May, who lived on the way from April's home to June's. June had seen the way May always made eyes at April when they walked past... she always looked smug, as though she knew something June didn't.
One day, the paranoia became simply too much for June. With nowhere else to turn, June enlisted the help of August, a private investigator, to track April's movements, and find out if there really were some grounds to June's fears.
August, a diligent detective, set about the task immediately, watching April night and day. No single action, no matter how trivial, escaped August's notice. Each detail was meticulously recorded in a journal.
One day, about a week later, there was a knock at June's door. Nervous to the point of shaking, June opened the door to find August, journal in hand, and with a solemn expression.
"I have bad news, June..."
"What? What is it?" June panicked, grabbing August by the collar. "Tell me!"
"I... don't know how to say this, June... I'm sorry. Read the last entry..."
With a grimace, August handed June the notebook, already open to the most recent page. June's eyes scanned down the rows of neat notes, to the very last ones, listed as occuring just 20 minutes prior:
April showers.
Brings May flowers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe44lj/april_and_june_were_dating/
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I watched a porn video all the way to the end

and I came to the conclusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe449m/i_watched_a_porn_video_all_the_way_to_the_end/
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A guy walks into a bar with his dog

. The bartender says “you can’t have a dog in here!” The guy says, “this is a really smart dog. If I prove that to you, can we stay?” And the bartender says sure.
So the guy turns to the dog and says “What goes on top of a house?”
And the dog barks “Roof!”
And the bartender isn’t impressed but let’s him continue. The guy says “What does sandpaper feels like?”
The dog answers “Rough!”
The bartender is rolling his eyes at this point but gives the guy one last shot. The guy asks his dog “Who’s the best baseball player of all time?”
The dog replies “Ruth!”
The bartender is done and kicks them both out of the bar.
The guy and the dog are sitting there and the dog turns to the guy and says “I’m sorry, should I have said DiMaggio?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe3y8w/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_dog/
%
Why did God create Eve?

Because every Garden needs a hoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe3wp4/why_did_god_create_eve/
%
A former student of a Geology professor at a major University returned one day to give the professor a gift of a unique soil sample he had collected from a river while on a trip....

To which the professor replied, "I appreciate the sediment"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe3o8e/a_former_student_of_a_geology_professor_at_a/
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A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.
Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinker on Earth?"
Man: "Yeah I was a big drinker in my day, why do you ask?"
Secretary: "Hey that's great, you're gonna love Mondays- that's Drinking Day. We've got an endless supply everything known to man down here, everyone gets wasted and has a blast! Don't worry about alcohol poisoning either, you're already dead right? Were you a gambler on Earth?"
Man: "Yeah I had a bit of a problem with that, but deep down I loved it."
Secretary: "Awesome, you're gonna love Tuesdays- that's Gambling Day. We have everything you can imagine down here. And the best part? You're already dead! Go bankrupt! Were you a smoker on earth?"
Man: "Yeah I smoked for 20 years but I eventually quit. I still miss it."
Secretary: "You're gonna love Wednesdays, that's smoking day. Everybody sits around and chain smokes all day. We have every cigarette, and cigar known to man down here. Get lung cancer, who cares now, right? Were you into drugs?"
Man: "Yeah I've done my share..."
Secretary: "Great, you're gonna love Thursdays. That's drug day. Everybody gets high as a kite all day. You name it, weed, coke, heroin, pills. We have it all. Can't overdose if you're already dead, right?"
By now the Man is completely blown away, wondering why Hell could possibly have such a bad reputation.
The Secretary says, "So... any chance you're gay?"
Confused, the Man replies "No, I'm straight actually... why do you ask?"
Secretary: " Oh boy... You're gonna HATE  Fridays!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe3gfb/a_man_gets_hit_by_a_bus_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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What do you call a psychic dwarf who escaped prison?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe3fcm/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_dwarf_who_escaped/
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Corona virus is just like pasta

The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe3eqc/corona_virus_is_just_like_pasta/
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What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

You get reposessed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe37gd/what_happens_if_you_dont_pay_your_exorcist/
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Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it.

“For I do not speak of my own accord.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe3724/jesus_drove_a_honda_but_didnt_talk_about_it/
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What is the opposite of Microsoft Office?

Megahard Onfire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe2x52/what_is_the_opposite_of_microsoft_office/
%
Coronavirus can be transmitted sexually,

so yes. You’ll be fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe2ws2/coronavirus_can_be_transmitted_sexually/
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Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?

Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe2ooc/damn_girl_are_you_a_fire_alarm/
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I'm a man of science!

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe2kdb/im_a_man_of_science/
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To see her husband’s reaction, a woman wrote on a paper:

“I left, I’m not coming back.”
Hidden under the bed, the woman waited for her husband to arrive.
He walked into the room, saw the paper, wrote  something on it, and put himself to sing, all satisfied.
5 minutes later, he took his cell phone and called someone:
I’m going now, the other nut’s gone. I’m on my way, remember, I love you so much.
He took the car and left.
Mad in anger, the woman comes out from under the  bed and reads what he wrote...
I can see your feet.
I went for bread
Stop being retarded and make dinner... lol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe2f7f/to_see_her_husbands_reaction_a_woman_wrote_on_a/
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I have a USB drive full of porn...

I call it my “sex drive”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe2emb/i_have_a_usb_drive_full_of_porn/
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My Dad said he wanted to be more transparent with me from now on

Now he’s my mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe29w6/my_dad_said_he_wanted_to_be_more_transparent_with/
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Someone told my that French fries are from Belgium...

But they’re cooked in Greece!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe1sdl/someone_told_my_that_french_fries_are_from_belgium/
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Starbucks Reacts to Covid-19: Baristas to start wearing masks

Our as they call them, coughee filters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe1rni/starbucks_reacts_to_covid19_baristas_to_start/
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How long is an Asian name

More specifically, it’s Vietnamese/ Chinese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe1gmr/how_long_is_an_asian_name/
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Before he died Stephen Hawking went on his first date for years

When he returned he'd  broken his glasses, fractured his wrist and broken his knee.
Apparently she stood him up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe1fox/before_he_died_stephen_hawking_went_on_his_first/
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After retiring,

I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe1edb/after_retiring/
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I got fired from Campbell's Soup today

Found me stroganoff in the back room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe1bm3/i_got_fired_from_campbells_soup_today/
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I don't make fat jokes

But looks like your mom did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe1axo/i_dont_make_fat_jokes/
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I fell through a window once...

It was quite the pane-ful experience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe166l/i_fell_through_a_window_once/
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A man in Florida has been caught on CCTV stealing police car tyres.

Police are reported to be working tirelessly to catch the thief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe122c/a_man_in_florida_has_been_caught_on_cctv_stealing/
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I asked my friend from North Korea how democratic it was

He said he couldn’t complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe10q0/i_asked_my_friend_from_north_korea_how_democratic/
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What do you call an insect's fetish?

Bee DSM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe0sh7/what_do_you_call_an_insects_fetish/
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A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife

He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping up some chicken and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the  fourth fuckin time, chicken!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe0oaw/a_concerned_husband_went_to_a_doctor_to_talk/
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A woman and her artist husband have been having sex daily for about a month.

It's a little unusual, but the husband doesn't complain at all. "Honey?" his wife asks one day. "Can you draw a picture for me?"
"Sure babe, what would you like?" he replies.
"I want to see what you think our baby will look like."
The husband stares at her for a few moments, then quickly sketches out a picture. He turns the paper toward her to show a picture of a man with a gun, firing a round at another man with a smile and no visible wounds.
"What the hell is this?!" she gasps. "I said to imagine what our baby would look like!"
"Yes," he sighs. "And considering I got a vasectomy five years ago, I'm drawing a blank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe0js8/a_woman_and_her_artist_husband_have_been_having/
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A brittish boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio:

-WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!
The german replies:
-Wat are you sinking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe0e9s/a_brittish_boat_is_nearby_a_port_in_germany_and/
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A case of shingles

A good ole boy by the name of Bubba walked into a Doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes, put on one of those open-in-the-back hospital gowns, and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the Doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
The Doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe0b3n/a_case_of_shingles/
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A man came into a doctor's office with a hacking up a lung, coughing up gobs of mucous into a handkerchief.

The staff tried to find out what was wrong and get more info from the man but he was clearly speaking a foreign language and no one could seem to identify what it was. A nurse happened to walk by the man and heard what was going on. She immediately got on her phone and soon a translator was at the man's side, successfully having a conversation with him.
"How did you figure out what language he was speaking so quickly to request the correct translator?" a doctor asked the nurse.
"Oh please," she responded. "I know phlegmish when I hear it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe019j/a_man_came_into_a_doctors_office_with_a_hacking/
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Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east

Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fe00bo/apparently_its_illegal_to_show_some_cartoons_in/
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I think my cat might be a communist!

He keeps calling out for the Chinese leader, just, "Mao" "Mao" "Mao" over and over again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdzv3r/i_think_my_cat_might_be_a_communist/
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Spies only want one thing

and it’s fucking disguising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdzqf9/spies_only_want_one_thing/
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What did Delaware?

Maybe a New Jersey? Idaho but Alaska

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdzpqm/what_did_delaware/
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An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...

and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdzo9f/an_atheist_a_crossfitter_and_a_vegan_are_all/
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My music teacher called me that my son is like Elvis Presley I was so proud

Then the teacher said: Yeah we found him dead on the toilets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdzf1j/my_music_teacher_called_me_that_my_son_is_like/
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I once dated a clairvoyant.

But it ended when she said she was seeing my great Grandfather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdzczi/i_once_dated_a_clairvoyant/
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Damn girl, are you a piñata?

Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdysws/damn_girl_are_you_a_piñata/
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What's a math teacher favorite part of the female body?

Quantitties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdyqd8/whats_a_math_teacher_favorite_part_of_the_female/
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And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdyljf/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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NOT THINKING OF YOU

I sent my ex girlfriend a picture of my flaccid penis, just to let her know I was thinking of her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdyjlu/not_thinking_of_you/
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3 guys stranded on an island...

After a plane crashed on a deserted island, there were only 3 guys left. As they roamed to look for supplies, they came across a magic bottle. After gently rubbing the bottle, a genie appeared.
*I am the magic genie and I have 3 wishes to grant!*
The men decided they’ll each get one wish.
The first man proceeds to say, “I really miss my family, I wish to go back home to see them!” In a matter of seconds, the man disappeared.
The second guy then says, “I really need to go back to work! I wish I was at my job!” And poof! The man is gone.
The third guy then says, “you know, I don’t have a family, friends, or a job and I’m pretty lonely. I wish those two guys were here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdyal1/3_guys_stranded_on_an_island/
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All these new fancy 4K, 5K even 8K TVs, and here I am with no TV.

And that's 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdyafo/all_these_new_fancy_4k_5k_even_8k_tvs_and_here_i/
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A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.
In the middle of the night, the man wakes up hearing a strange noise. He follows the noise and sees that its source is a strange door made of wood, but it's locked. The following morning, the monks give the man breakfast and fix his car. He thanks the monks and asks them:
"Honorable monks, I cannot thank you enough for your generosity, but I must ask you a question. Last night I heard a strange noise coming from behind a locked wooden door, and I'm dying to know what the source of the noise is."
The leader of the monks responds:
"We cannot tell you, because you are not a monk."
The man thanks the monks again and leaves disappointed. A year goes by, and the man coincidentally breaks down in front of the same monastery. He knocks on the door again and they greet him as an old friend, giving him once again a bed to sleep on. In the middle of the night, the man hears the same strange noise, and follows it again to see it's coming from the same wooden door, which is still locked. In the morning, the monks once again gave him breakfast and fixed his car, and as he was about to leave the man once again implored the monks to know what was behind the wooden door:
"Thank you once again, kind monks. It has been one whole year and I still wonder what the source of the strange noise is, as I've heard it again last night."
The monks all look at each other and cackle. The leader once again steps forward and tells the man:
"We cannot tell you, because you are not a monk."
The man leaves frustrated once again, and doesn't stop thinking about the strange noise for months. Two years later, the man coincidentally breaks down in front of the monastery once again, and once again the monks give him shelter. The man hears the strange noise in the night again, and in the morning asks the monks:
"Please, kind monks. I must know the source of the noise, I beg you."
The monks explain to the man once again:
.
"We cannot tell you, because you are not a monk."
The man asks them what he has to do to become a monk. They tell him he must travel the world and count all the leaves in the world's trees, all the blades in the world's grass, all the grains of the world's sand, and all the drops of water in the world's oceans. He must return with the exact number, and only then will he become a monk and be able to learn the source of the sound.
The man sets out on his quest to become a monk, and 65 years later returns to the monastery as an old man.
"I have traveled the world," he said. "I have counted every leaf in the trees, every blade of grass, every grain of sand, and every drop in the ocean. There are 1572794709088 leaves in the world's trees, 3651870612479 blades of grass in the world, 6810379165872 grains of sand in the world, and 10752899766394 drops of water in the world's oceans."
"Congratulations," the leader of the monks said. "You are now a monk. Please, come with us."
The monks took the man to an initiation ceremony. They gave him his robes and shaved all his hair. The man requested to be taken to the wooden door to learn the source of the strange sound, so the monks took him and gave him the key. The man opened the wooden door, just to find a door made of stone behind it. He asked for the key to the stone door, and the monks gave it to him. He opened the stone door to find a door of coal behind it.
One by one, the man kept unlocking and opening doors. After the door of coal he found a door of glass, then a door of iron, then a door of steel, then a door of bronze, then a door of silver, then a door of ruby, then a door of sapphire, then a door of emerald, then a door of gold, then a door of platinum, then a door of diamond, and finally a door of obsidian.
"This is the final door," said the leader of the monks. "Behind it you will find the source of the strange sound."
The monks handed the man the key to the door of obsidian and, as he opened it, the man finally found the source of the strange sound...
But I cannot tell you, because you are not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdy1q0/a_man_is_driving_late_at_night_when_his_car/
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When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdxu1h/when_you_pull_the_pin_on_a_grenade_how_do_you_put/
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Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdxte8/wanna_hear_a_construction_joke/
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I was trying to figure out how lightning works

Then, it struck me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdxm3m/i_was_trying_to_figure_out_how_lightning_works/
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A sheep, drum and a snake walk into a bar

Baaa, dum, tssssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdxhqr/a_sheep_drum_and_a_snake_walk_into_a_bar/
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My wife left me for an Indian man

I wouldn't be worried about it becouse I know that in India they sure take good care of their cows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdxfyb/my_wife_left_me_for_an_indian_man/
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What did one blackberry say to the other blackberry?

If you weren't so sweet, we wouldn't be in this jam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdxe3t/what_did_one_blackberry_say_to_the_other/
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What do you call blackberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdxdib/what_do_you_call_blackberries_playing_the_guitar/
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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please…. I love you so much!”
“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”
“Oh yes you can. Please?”
“No, no. I just can’t!”
“I’m begging you… “
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice, she says: “Dad says to go ahead and take him upstairs if you want, or I can do it, or if need be, mum says she can come down herself and do it, but for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdx9ar/one_night_a_guy_takes_his_girlfriend_home_as_they/
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[Dark] Now that everyone is washing their hands throughly

Can we get a virus that would make people park properly?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdx7wx/dark_now_that_everyone_is_washing_their_hands/
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Did you hear about the guy up north with coronavirus?

Guy was feeling under the weather while camping and went to his doctor. Doc says, I'm sorry but you caught Coronavirus. Guy goes home and thinks well maybe this will be my last chance to go camping and heads to the woods for the night. Poor guy then gets bit by a tick. So back to the doctor again and doc diagnoses him with a case of a cold Corona with lyme...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdx7ux/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_up_north_with/
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A man calls his doctor because he suspects he has Corona

They discuss his symptoms and conclude that he indeed has the disease.
Doctor: you will need to start the 3P diet.
Man: the 3P diet? What's that?
Doctor: pizza, pancakes, and panini
Man: but doctor, why?
Doctor: because they fit under the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdx0rp/a_man_calls_his_doctor_because_he_suspects_he_has/
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So there's this sheep farmer who had money troubles because he wasn't selling a lot of wool. He decided to sell the meat instead...

...needless to say, things went from baa to wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdwymf/so_theres_this_sheep_farmer_who_had_money/
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If you think Thursday is depressing wait 2 days.

It will be a sadder day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdwylc/if_you_think_thursday_is_depressing_wait_2_days/
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Chinese Exports

Everyone is always talking about how cheap and disposable Chinese exports are, and now that they’ve finally delivered something of substance everyone is already sick of it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdwwm0/chinese_exports/
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How do you know you're an adult?

You realize The Sims is a financial fantasy game where a 2 story house costs 100 000$ and can be afforded with a working salary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdwryz/how_do_you_know_youre_an_adult/
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An ant couple and their eight ant children

moved into an apartment together. They were tenants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdwqf2/an_ant_couple_and_their_eight_ant_children/
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If you're ever locked out of the house, try talking to the doorknob...

... because communication is key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdwpi8/if_youre_ever_locked_out_of_the_house_try_talking/
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Switzerland is arguably one of the best countries on the planet

The Alps are pretty cool, and the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdwn8j/switzerland_is_arguably_one_of_the_best_countries/
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Why did the physicist jump off a skyscraper?

To find concrete evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdwlxe/why_did_the_physicist_jump_off_a_skyscraper/
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I’ve got to Lay you or jack off ...

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdwk3s/ive_got_to_lay_you_or_jack_off/
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Wrong plane babe

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdwjf6/wrong_plane_babe/
%
Someone roofied my wife’s drink last night.

Best sex I’ve had in a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdwj9s/someone_roofied_my_wifes_drink_last_night/
%
There's a term for Presidents like Trump.

Probably not two terms, though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdw9fu/theres_a_term_for_presidents_like_trump/
%
I got my dad a mathematician/prostitute for his birthday.

it's the thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdw503/i_got_my_dad_a_mathematicianprostitute_for_his/
%
Can vegans eat pudding?

No, you cant have any pudding if you don't eat your meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdvt6r/can_vegans_eat_pudding/
%
I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdvbut/ive_finally_treated_myself_to_one_of_those_new/
%
A GAP store in London opened a Baby GAP right next to it.

As I walked past I saw a generation gap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdv44e/a_gap_store_in_london_opened_a_baby_gap_right/
%
Just came home and caught my mate shagging my wife, so I stabbed him

My wife said "you carry on like that and you will have no mates left."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdv3uq/just_came_home_and_caught_my_mate_shagging_my/
%
What do you call a suicidal cat?

Curiosity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fduwzc/what_do_you_call_a_suicidal_cat/
%
Why did the duck get arrested?

For selling quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fduw4i/why_did_the_duck_get_arrested/
%
Told my wife I want to open up a barber shop and she said

Cut it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fduvlq/told_my_wife_i_want_to_open_up_a_barber_shop_and/
%
3 surgeons are in a bar...

They're arguing over who is the best surgeon out of all of them. The first one goes, "Well, one of my patients lost his leg, but after I gave him a prosthetic leg, he became an Olympic runner." Second one goes, "Psh, that's nothing! I once had a patient with several brain disabilities and was mentally challenged. After my brain surgery, he became a professor at Harvard." Third one scoffs and goes, "Hah, both of you are amateurs. I once had a patient who was a shitty business man who went bankrupt a shitload of times. He drove his horse directly into a train at max speed. His head was completely obliterated. The only thing I had to work with was the guy's business suit and the horse's ass. Now he's president of the United States!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdut8g/3_surgeons_are_in_a_bar/
%
To get revenge on my boss, I had sex with his daughter

Then I remembered that I'm self-employed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fduo9l/to_get_revenge_on_my_boss_i_had_sex_with_his/
%
I don't tell jokes about fungi for a reason.

Too mushroom for error

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fduo5a/i_dont_tell_jokes_about_fungi_for_a_reason/
%
don't blame lazy people

they didn't do anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdund9/dont_blame_lazy_people/
%
What did they call conversion therapy back in the Stone Age?

Homo correctus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fducs2/what_did_they_call_conversion_therapy_back_in_the/
%
In the sentence "the thief stole a television" where is the subject?

In prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdu6wl/in_the_sentence_the_thief_stole_a_television/
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These cruise deals are getting out of hand

A month ago, if you paid $1500 you could cruise for seven days. But right now if you pay $219, you can cruise for the rest of your life!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdu26e/these_cruise_deals_are_getting_out_of_hand/
%
My mate Dave is into bestiality, BDSM and necrophilia.

Personally, I think he’s flogging a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdu12j/my_mate_dave_is_into_bestiality_bdsm_and/
%
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"
She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdtyi2/just_been_in_to_starbucks_and_the_barista_was/
%
Had a big mix up at the store today...

Apparently, when the clerk said "strip down facing me" they were referring to my credit card

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdtv0z/had_a_big_mix_up_at_the_store_today/
%
Life is like a dick

Sometimes it’s up
Sometimes it’s down
And it won’t be hard forever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdtpy3/life_is_like_a_dick/
%
I recently heard that a director was casting ex felons and goons for his next movie

I don't know how the movie's gonna be
But that is a killer cast!
And they are probably gonna steal the show!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdtizo/i_recently_heard_that_a_director_was_casting_ex/
%
Bill Cosby walks into a bar...

I forget the rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdtcuz/bill_cosby_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdtaz9/i_recently_entered_a_competition_to_see_who_had/
%
Did you hear about the drunken rabbi who performed a circumcision?

..word is he got the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdtauu/did_you_hear_about_the_drunken_rabbi_who/
%
Why didn't Sanders supporters vote for him on Super Tuesday?

Because they were too busy posting on Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdt8q4/why_didnt_sanders_supporters_vote_for_him_on/
%
Everyone discouraged Sam from singing

Samsung anyway.
(not my joke but it was too funny for me not to share)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdt5vc/everyone_discouraged_sam_from_singing/
%
I was at the departure lounge at Heathrow Airport when a tourist said to me - "You know what? This England country has to be the asshole of Europe"...

I said "I take it you're passing through".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdt2yq/i_was_at_the_departure_lounge_at_heathrow_airport/
%
I'm proud to announce that our slaves are finally free.

And that's a great price!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdt1cc/im_proud_to_announce_that_our_slaves_are_finally/
%
What's dark humor?

A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?"
"See that disabled man over there?" She says
"But mom, I'm blind"
"Exactly, honey"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdsyeg/whats_dark_humor/
%
Why did the German soldier help the wounded puppy?

Because he was a veteran Aryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdsxtf/why_did_the_german_soldier_help_the_wounded_puppy/
%
I gave my late uncles widow a watch for her birthday.

Now shes just my uncles widow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdswhr/i_gave_my_late_uncles_widow_a_watch_for_her/
%
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.

But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdsw8s/everyone_knows_masturbation_is_a_touchy_subject/
%
Why was the paleontologist angry?

He still had a bone to pick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdsuyp/why_was_the_paleontologist_angry/
%
Why was the transgender person upset about people getting their name wrong?

Because it was hard to pronouns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdsbu3/why_was_the_transgender_person_upset_about_people/
%
What did the deer say when she walked out of the forest?

“That’s the last time I do THAT for two bucks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fds5je/what_did_the_deer_say_when_she_walked_out_of_the/
%
Sex therapists want only one thing

And it's discussing fucking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fds162/sex_therapists_want_only_one_thing/
%
So a guy walks into an ice cream shop.

The owner walks up and asks the man what he would like.
“I’ll take a chocolate ice cream in a cone please.”
“Sorry, we’re actually out of chocolate. We only have vanilla and strawberry available,” replies the owner.
“Hmmm, well in that case I’ll take a scoop of chocolate in a cup,” the man decides.
The owner looks back at the man confused.
“Like I said before, we’re out of chocolate but we do have vanilla and strawberry,” the owner replied sharply.
After looking at the menu a little harder, the man nods and looks back at the owner.
“If that’s the case, I’ll just take a pint of chocolate to go.”
The owner let’s out a sigh and leans back on the counter then asks,
“Alright, can you spell the ‘van’ in vanilla?”
“Sure, v-a-n.”
“And can you spell the ‘straw’ in strawberry?”
“Of course, s-t-r-a-w.”
“Now can you spell the ‘fuck’ in chocolate?”
The man looks puzzled back at the owner and replies,
“...There’s no ‘fuck’ in chocolate..?”
“THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdru6b/so_a_guy_walks_into_an_ice_cream_shop/
%
My best friend was hit with a can of soda

Good thing it was a soft drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdrtbr/my_best_friend_was_hit_with_a_can_of_soda/
%
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”

“You see how horribly long your delays are? You should be ashamed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdrr4p/conductor_on_a_train_but_sir_you_cannot_travel/
%
Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?

Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, called alhzimers, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdrq9o/patient_to_his_doctor_i_have_forgotten_so_many/
%
I didn't vaccinate my kids

And the one that lived turned out fine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdrlaz/i_didnt_vaccinate_my_kids/
%
Engineering Professors are sitting in Plan...

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?
Then the principal replied
“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdrhse/engineering_professors_are_sitting_in_plan/
%
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.

The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdrf3r/on_their_first_night_together_a_newlywed_couple/
%
My favourite jokes are ones about anti vax kids

They just never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdrdan/my_favourite_jokes_are_ones_about_anti_vax_kids/
%
A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating

He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded.
"Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too."
"But... Why, daddy?"
"Because my hands are starting to ache"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdr9gg/a_little_kid_enters_the_room_and_catches_his_dad/
%
What can a teacher say in class and during sex?

I better wrap this one up, because you'll miss your next period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdr53v/what_can_a_teacher_say_in_class_and_during_sex/
%
My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

At least that's what she said in her diary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdqsub/my_wife_thinks_i_dont_give_her_enough_privacy/
%
Why did the north Korean flea to South Korea?

To find his Seoul mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdqsb7/why_did_the_north_korean_flea_to_south_korea/
%
A bloke walks into a bar and

Orders six shots of Jager.
Barman asks "Are you celebrating something?"
Bloke says " Yeah my first blowjob!"
Barman says "Here I'll buy you one"
Bloke says "Nah that's ok, if six won't get rid of the taste nothing will!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdqk2a/a_bloke_walks_into_a_bar_and/
%
Can we please ban yo mama jokes on this sub? All of the yo mama jokes have been done thousands of times by thousands of people.

Kinda like yo mama!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdqh46/can_we_please_ban_yo_mama_jokes_on_this_sub_all/
%
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl.

You don't turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdqfyg/in_alabama_there_is_no_reverse_cowgirl/
%
A man and woman are driving down the road...

A man and woman are driving down the road after dinner. The weather is awful, pouring rain and freezing cold.
As they go around a corner, the woman spots a dog on the side of the road that looks like it’s been hit by a car. She pleads with her husband to stop so they can check on the poor dog.
As they approach the dog, they realize that, sadly, the dog has passed away, and sadder still, a small, shivering puppy is nearby.
The lady immediately scoops up the orphan puppy and says, “Well, we have to keep him!”, as they get back into the car.
A few minutes down the road, she turns to her husband and says, “Oh, Bill! This poor thing is freezing!”
“Put it between your legs, honey and warm him up”, Bill says.
The wife replies, “Oh, but it’s soaking wet and smells awful!”
Bill replies, “Well, just hold it’s little nose; it’ll get used to it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdqe51/a_man_and_woman_are_driving_down_the_road/
%
What causes arthritis?

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to apriest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and faceand a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdq1st/what_causes_arthritis/
%
There are 6.24x10^18 elementary charges in a Coulomb

But only 2x12 high school charges in a Coulombine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdptqi/there_are_624x1018_elementary_charges_in_a_coulomb/
%
I really hate drinking alcohol,

but tonight, I'll give it a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdpp9c/i_really_hate_drinking_alcohol/
%
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdplgf/what_does_the_mafia_and_pussies_have_in_common/
%
My dad just said this and claims he thought of it himself.

An elderly couple, Ed and Martha go out to dinner together. Martha feels a rumble in her stomach and says to Ed, “Ed, I think I just had a silent fart. What should I do?”
Ed replies, “Well, honey, you could start by turning up your hearing aids.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdphrs/my_dad_just_said_this_and_claims_he_thought_of_it/
%
you hear about the guy who could smell the future?

they called him nosetradamus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdpguv/you_hear_about_the_guy_who_could_smell_the_future/
%
12 year old scotch whisky is the only 12 year old you can put in your mouth

and get away with it scot free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdpem5/12_year_old_scotch_whisky_is_the_only_12_year_old/
%
Pope and the Seven Dwarves

The Pope arrives to give a small sermon to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Shortly into the sermon, Dopey puts his hand up and asks, "Are there any dwarven nuns in Rome?"
"No", the Pope replies, and continues his service.
Not long passes and Dopey puts his hand up again and asks, "Are there any dwarven nuns in Italy?"
"No", the Pope replies. The other 6 dwarves are starting to giggle. The Pope looks at the to quiten them down and continues...
Several minutes pass and Dopey raises his hand once again. The Pope looks at him somewhat exasperated and says "Yes, my son?"
Dopey responds, somewhat hopefully, "Are there any dwarven nuns anywhere in the world?"
The reponds gruffly, "NO. There are NO dwarven nuns, anywhere!"
The other six dwarves, giggling in the back, start to chant softly....
"Dopey screwed a Penguin.... Dopey screwed a Penguin......"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdpcrq/pope_and_the_seven_dwarves/
%
One day I punched a white guy and I got arrested for assault,

The next day I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdpcqa/one_day_i_punched_a_white_guy_and_i_got_arrested/
%
An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.
The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:
1) she wants 10 million dollars
2) she wants to be 18 years old again
3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year old human male
After she finishes asking for her wishes, the fairy bursts in a bright flame and disappears.
The woman is blinded for a short while but soon she can see again and realises that all her wishes have been granted.
She sees on the floor that there is a large open chest with stacks of money in it.
Looking to the mirror on the wall, she is thrilled to see she is now youthful and very beautiful and she also realised that she is feeling very frisky indeed.
Finally she looks to where her cat was sleeping by the fire and amazed, she sees that he is now the most handsome man she has ever seen.
Slowly he stretches and then smoothly stands up in one cat like flowing motion and looks intently into her eyes.
Her heart starts to race and she noticed that his eyes are the same bright orange that they used to be when he was a cat.
Tentatively, worried she might break the wishes, she say, “Hi Tiger, how are you feeling?”
Tiger continues to stare at her for a few more seconds and then he says, “Well ducky, I bet you’re feeling really stupid that you got me fixed all those years ago!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdovcz/an_old_woman_was_sitting_next_to_her_fire_one_day/
%
A couple and the captain of a charter boat got stranded on a deserted island...

There was one solitary palm tree so the husband and the captain would take turns on a daily basis climbing the tree and searching for ships. Several days go by and the captain is starting to get horney. He comes up with a plan. When it's his turn to scout out ships he looks down from the palm tree and says to the couple down below, "Hey you guys stop having sex down there." The couple look at each other and shrug their shoulders.The following day the husband is up in the tree looking for ships and happens to glance down. He says to himself,"I'll be damned it does look like they're having sex down there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdolqm/a_couple_and_the_captain_of_a_charter_boat_got/
%
I forgot to hold a door open for a woman the other day...

She said, "Chivalry's dead, isn't it!"
So I challenged her to a sword duel, and now she's the one who's dead.
Guess chivalry's not really dead, is it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdoc8y/i_forgot_to_hold_a_door_open_for_a_woman_the/
%
My brother was trying to convince me that it’s harder to win an argument with a buffoon than it is with a reasonable person....

I told him that people who are intelligent are going to come back with strong counter argument and sound logic — making it difficult to stump them... And of course he came back with this notion that at the end of the day if a foolish person is too prideful to ever admit they’re wrong, they can just persevere without any concern for gaining knowledge — not admitting defeat is a victory for them... So after two hours of this back-and-forth he eventually gave up because I was never going to admit he was right...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdo6z4/my_brother_was_trying_to_convince_me_that_its/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdnwml/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
Eminem is that guy in chemistry class that raps the whole periodic table.

But skips Oxygen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdnv25/eminem_is_that_guy_in_chemistry_class_that_raps/
%
I was prescribed a pain killer from my dentist but I found it difficult to get the lid off...

It was called Tryopenin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdnumg/i_was_prescribed_a_pain_killer_from_my_dentist/
%
"Remember the time when we used to finish each other sentences?"

I told my twin brother over the phone from prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdntxe/remember_the_time_when_we_used_to_finish_each/
%
How do you top a car?

You tep on da bwake tupid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdnqjt/how_do_you_top_a_car/
%
My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath...

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dwayne
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the tub before I dwown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdnnkv/my_6_year_old_made_this_up_while_taking_his_bath/
%
What do French people smoke?

Ouid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdnktk/what_do_french_people_smoke/
%
When you take a pen name ....

... that's a nom de plume.
When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre.
When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdned7/when_you_take_a_pen_name/
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Every once in a while something comes along which causes some people to rethink their sexuality.

Like prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdncli/every_once_in_a_while_something_comes_along_which/
%
A guy was riding his bike across the border with a bag

The border police waves him aside and ask what  it’s in the bag. He answered „sand“ and after the police looked into it they confirmed it’s really sand and let him pass
The next day the guy wanted to cross the border again with a bag full of sand. The police were skeptical but they haven’t found anything suspicious in the sand or something so they let him pass again.
That continued for a couple of days until the police had enough and asked him „what’s so special about the sand“. The guy answered „nothing“. The police asked „then what exactly are you smuggling?“ the guy answered „bikes“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdnatd/a_guy_was_riding_his_bike_across_the_border_with/
%
To all you constipated people:

Tough shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdn1vq/to_all_you_constipated_people/
%
My duaghter made up a joke when she was 5. How do you count to tree?

Bush, Shrub, Tree!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdn1hp/my_duaghter_made_up_a_joke_when_she_was_5_how_do/
%
What's the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdn0jm/whats_the_best_time_to_go_to_the_dentist/
%
Three construction workers are sitting down on a beam of a skyscraper to eat their lunch...

First guy says, "Tuna fish on rye again? I tell ya. If that bitch makes me tuna fish on rye again tomorrow, I'm just going to jump off this building and kill myself!"
Second guy says, "Leftover meatloaf for the third day in a row! If I gotta eat this crap one more day, I'm just going to jump off this building and end it all!"
Third guy says, "Bologna sandwiches again! Yuck! If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm just gonna jump."
The next day, the first guy opens his lunch. He sees it's a tuna on rye, and he yells, "FUCK!!!" and he jumps off the building and splatters on the street below.
The second guy opens his lunch box. "Goddamn meatloaf again! That's it!" And he leaps to his death as well. Splat!
The third guy opens his lunch box. "FUCK!" he says. "Bologna! Goodbye, world!" And he steps off the girder too. A moment later, he splatters on the street below.
At the funeral, the widows are sobbing and crying to the heavens.
"Oh, Joe! If you'd only you'd told me you didn't like tuna fish! I would have made you something else!" And she breaks down, inconsolable.
The second widow tears at her shirt. "Bill! Dear sweet Bill! Why didn't you tell me you hated meatloaf so much! I had a fridge full of cold cuts of all types!" And she collapses to the floor, heartbroken.
Everybody looks at the third widow, sitting there knitting all by herself. She looks up and realizes they're staring.
"Don't look at me," she says. "That idiot packed his own lunches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdmx3l/three_construction_workers_are_sitting_down_on_a/
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How does an old timey 1930s era gangster threaten a jelly fish?

"You're see, through!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdmwxo/how_does_an_old_timey_1930s_era_gangster_threaten/
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I was going to make myself a belt of watches.

But then I realised that it would be a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdmu4d/i_was_going_to_make_myself_a_belt_of_watches/
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New studies show that over weight women...

....live significantly longer than men who mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdmtg8/new_studies_show_that_over_weight_women/
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The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.
How did he know? Of course, the chef had lost the *huile d'olive*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdmsac/the_most_famous_french_chef_was_found_dead_victim/
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My wife and I were watching

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdmr5i/my_wife_and_i_were_watching/
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A man proudly says: We've got a really good sexual life with my wife. We do it every month.

His friend says: We do it twice a month.
A third guy stands up: We do it *every* week.
The fourth friend just laughs, stands up and says proudly: We do it *every day*.
The friends look at each other with confusion, "but, you don't even have a wife" they say.
The fourth one looks surprised to the first man, points at him and says:
"dammit I thought we are talking about his".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdmr5c/a_man_proudly_says_weve_got_a_really_good_sexual/
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"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdmr0o/bad_day_at_the_course_his_wife_asked/
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I was Hungary so Iran to the store to get some Turkey

Which I cooked in Greece, and served with a side of Chile, which I ate with my friends Jordan and Chad. Sudanly we had Togo because we were Ghana get in trouble because we didn’t Finnish paying. But I’ve Benin trouble before, there was Norway they were going to catch me, I Congo much faster than they can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdmpse/i_was_hungary_so_iran_to_the_store_to_get_some/
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A military function is being held where all officers of the Army, Navy and the Air force are present.

The Army and Navy officers were describing the Air force as the Cinderella of the military.
To this, the Air force officer replied" I don't know a lot about Cinderella except the fact that she had two ugly sisters".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdmpm3/a_military_function_is_being_held_where_all/
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It's discrimination!

I see kids bouncing balls and riding bikes down isles at Walmart, but does anyone stop them, heck no! They can play with anything they want to!
But for some reason *I've* been banned from the ladies underwear department.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdmoqh/its_discrimination/
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My parents like my girlfriend so much...

... that they treat her like a daughter.
They even started giving her advices on how to find a good candidate for a husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdmf7r/my_parents_like_my_girlfriend_so_much/
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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdmcec/i_took_my_wife_to_a_restaurant/
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My wife and I were sitting at a table

‪ at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdmbvy/my_wife_and_i_were_sitting_at_a_table/
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What do the movies “Titanic” and “The Sixth Sense” have in common?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdm7tp/what_do_the_movies_titanic_and_the_sixth_sense/
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What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdm0vh/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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Did you hear about the guy who's afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdlzxd/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whos_afraid_of/
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As the world is encouraged to practise good hygiene in response to the Corona virus...

...the government gives a poignant demonstration by washing their hands of any responsibility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdlwfe/as_the_world_is_encouraged_to_practise_good/
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Went to help my friend jack off a horse,

But instead we gave it a blowjob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdlllv/went_to_help_my_friend_jack_off_a_horse/
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Why are mechanical watches so chilled out?

Because they’re always unwinding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdlhvb/why_are_mechanical_watches_so_chilled_out/
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Police have just received info about a dodgy doctor performing dangerous circumcisions

There must have been a tip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdlat1/police_have_just_received_info_about_a_dodgy/
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My mates just asked me to do his hair for a reggae reggae party.

I'm dreading it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdl9fz/my_mates_just_asked_me_to_do_his_hair_for_a/
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Grandpa, where did you go to get food when you were young?

Well son, I could go to a grocery store with a dollar and come out with a bag of chips and two chocolate bars. But now they have those pesky cameras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdl9fe/grandpa_where_did_you_go_to_get_food_when_you/
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What do you call a sneaky canine?

In-dog-nito

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdl9cj/what_do_you_call_a_sneaky_canine/
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A nun goes into a liquor store....

And asks for a fifth of brandy. The proprietor is nervous about selling alcohol to a nun. The Sister says, conspiratorially, "It's for Mother Superior's constipation..." Understanding, he nods and sells her the brandy.
That night, after closing the store he goes outside and sees the same nun totally reckt, tore up from the floor up, dancing, singing and stumbling.
In disbelief he says, "Sister! You said that it was for Mother Superior's constipation!"
She cackles and replies, "It is! When she sees me, she's gonna shit herself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdl1gp/a_nun_goes_into_a_liquor_store/
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(From my 8 year old son), What do you call a hairy nut?

A moustachio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdkv5h/from_my_8_year_old_son_what_do_you_call_a_hairy/
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I woke up laughing today

I think I slept funny last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdkobo/i_woke_up_laughing_today/
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Little Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little  girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden  hose tightly coiled in the middle.  The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.  The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.  The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the  firefighter said with admiration.  'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.  'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,  but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '  The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a  siren.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdkb4d/little_firefighter/
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A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.
'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, and Kurt Cobains himself next to the cow.
Hearing the shot, his wife steps outside. Upon witnessing the horror in the meadow, she loses it and decides she can't live without her husband. She grabs the shotgun and ends her live, right next to her husband.
The three sons (27, 21 and 16 years old) heard all the turmoil and went outside. Staring in disbelief at the massacre, they discuss what they should do. Suddenly, *poof* a pixie appears.
"I can bring your parents back.", it tells the oldest son. "All you need to do, is fuck me ten times in a row. Be wary though, should you fail, I'll take your life aswell."
The oldest son hesitates for a while, but then decides it's the only way. He manages to fuck the pixie a marvelous seven times in a row, but then tuckers out. The pixie relentlessly takes his life.
"I'll bring your whole family and the cow back, if you fuck me twenty times in a row!", she tells the middle son. "You're younger, your stamina should be higher than your brother's."
The middle son drinks the last gallon of milk their beloved cow gave them and puts the pixie to work. He gives it a run for its money. A 17-turn strike of unrelenting pounding later, he has to give up. The pixie is unmoved, and takes his life as well.
The pixie glares at the youngest son and says: "You know the deal, but since the stakes ar higher than ever, you'll have to fuck me 50 times. If you succeed, I'll bring everyone back."
"50 times?", the youngest repeats calmly. "I'm not sure you'd survive that."
The pixie, now intrigued, asks: "Why wouldn't I survive that?"
"Well.... the cow didn't..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdka16/a_farmer_with_one_cow_lives_in_a_tiny_farm_with/
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I paid good money and joined a gym 6 months ago, and so far no results.

Tomorrow I am going down there personally to see what the hell is going on......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdjhis/i_paid_good_money_and_joined_a_gym_6_months_ago/
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A lawyer parks his Ferrari.

As he opens the driver's door to get out, a truck comes tunneling through and breaks off the car door.
The lawyer is understandably upset, crying "My Ferrari! My beautiful, expensive Ferrari!"
A man from the sidewalk chimes in, saying "You're so busy with the car's door that you didn't notice the truck also took your left arm!"
The lawyer is understandably more upset, crying "My Rolex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdj2ov/a_lawyer_parks_his_ferrari/
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What's a suicide bombers biggest fear?

To die alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdiypk/whats_a_suicide_bombers_biggest_fear/
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My wife likes me to talk to her when I'm having sex.

Trying to keep the phone to my ear is always the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdiwtq/my_wife_likes_me_to_talk_to_her_when_im_having_sex/
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I'm freaking pissed. Someone broke into my garage and the only thing they took was my limbo stick...

How low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdivfj/im_freaking_pissed_someone_broke_into_my_garage/
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If I had a nickel every time someone asked if I was from Alabama...

I could afford to have these extra fingers removed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdikko/if_i_had_a_nickel_every_time_someone_asked_if_i/
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A son went up to his dad one day and asked him the difference between hypothetical and reality.

“Well, son, I could explain it. But it would be better if I showed you.”
“Ok, dad. How will you do that?”
“Go up to your mom and ask her if she would have sex with her boss for $500,000.”
So the son asks his mom, and she responds back with “fuck yeah I would!”
The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’”
“Ok. Now go ask your sister if she would have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
So the son asks his sister, and she responds with “Fuck yeah I would!”
The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’”
“Ok son. Now the hypothetical situation is that we are now millionaires. But the reality is that we live with a couple of whores.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdi6g9/a_son_went_up_to_his_dad_one_day_and_asked_him/
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Why was titanium afraid of iron and argon

Because there is nothing to fear but FEAR itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdhzfq/why_was_titanium_afraid_of_iron_and_argon/
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My grandfather was complaining about how this generation is too reliant on technology.

Now me being the smartass that I am, called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdhu4y/my_grandfather_was_complaining_about_how_this/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdhr9t/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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Therapists only want one thing

and it's fucking discussing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdhl0t/therapists_only_want_one_thing/
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How many buzzfeed employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

10, but number 5 will shock you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdhe50/how_many_buzzfeed_employees_does_it_take_to/
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So my teacher only gave me a week to study before the test.

So I killed him and got 46 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdh4yy/so_my_teacher_only_gave_me_a_week_to_study_before/
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What do you call fake potatoes?

Imitaters!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdgzbi/what_do_you_call_fake_potatoes/
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His cat died......

I heard this joke during a Bob Newhart concert....
One day this feller gets a call from his brother "Bill" (a metrosexual) who asked him to take care of his cat while he went on a business trip. The brother "Larry" (a Marine) agreed and Bill came over and dropped off the cat and a very long list of instructions.  It took Bill two days to get to his business conference and as soon as he checked in he called Larry and asked about his cat. Larry informed him that the cat was dead, (having gotten out of the house onto the roof and fallen)....
Bill was devastated!  He immediately started crying and told Larry that he was an inconsiderate brother for telling him so abruptly that his friend the cat had died so suddenly.   Larry responds with, "How should I have told you?".   Bill comes back with the fact that on the first day that he called Larry should have told him that his cat kept getting out on the roof despite his best efforts, the next day he could have explained to Bill that the cat had gotten out and fallen off the roof, but that he had taken him to the vet and he was under observation, and on the third day Larry should have told him that the cat died peacefully in his sleep.
Bill then asked Larry how their Mom was doing, and Larry says, " Well Mom  keeps getting out on the roof despite my best efforts...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdgvwd/his_cat_died/
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"You're a wizard's best friend, Dad."

Emma Watson?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdgtv0/youre_a_wizards_best_friend_dad/
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Everywhere I go men say they want a girl with personality...

Well that was a fucking lie because I have multiple and they still leave me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdgju2/everywhere_i_go_men_say_they_want_a_girl_with/
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Beating Cancer’s Stupid Ass

Who is Alex Trebek?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdgdix/beating_cancers_stupid_ass/
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How much does is cost a pirate to piece his ears?

About a buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdgdea/how_much_does_is_cost_a_pirate_to_piece_his_ears/
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Two men are standing next to each other at urinals

One guy suddenly says "Did you have Rabbi Schloenstein as your Mohel"? "Why yes, how did you know"? To which the guy responds, "Because he circumcises on a bias and you're pissing on my shoes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdgd8c/two_men_are_standing_next_to_each_other_at_urinals/
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I learned Jesus loves you...

Means something completely different in Mexican prisons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdgcwp/i_learned_jesus_loves_you/
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A woman walks in with a huge grin on her face. Her husband asks "why are you so happy?". She says "I am 45 but my doctor told me that I've the breasts of an 18 year old. "Oh yea" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your 45 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdga94/a_woman_walks_in_with_a_huge_grin_on_her_face_her/
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Do you know what you should call a scitzophrenic bloke with his dick in a jar of peanut butter?

Don't worry about it, he is just fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdg5hl/do_you_know_what_you_should_call_a_scitzophrenic/
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Why are “Dad Jokes” so good?

Because the punchline is apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdfw9b/why_are_dad_jokes_so_good/
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Amazon Employee in Seattle Confirmed to have Coronavirus.

Prime customers expected to have it by Tomorrow if they order within the next 1 hr and 21 mins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdfuv2/amazon_employee_in_seattle_confirmed_to_have/
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You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it?

Run for president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdfu2h/you_have_3_months_to_spend_500_million_dollars/
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A man told his wife he wanted to try out something new in bed that he had seen on the internet.

They started making love as normal, then all of a sudden he froze and stayed perfectly still.
His wife asked him what the hell he was doing.
The man replied, "Apparently it's called buffering."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdft6r/a_man_told_his_wife_he_wanted_to_try_out/
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The janitor just asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint with him.

I declined. I can't deal with high maintenance people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdfqfj/the_janitor_just_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_smoke_a/
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An Amish joke for you...

**Q.** What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, silence....?
>!A. A drive-by shunning!<.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdfpa6/an_amish_joke_for_you/
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Mary and Joseph are trying to find a name for their son

Joseph paces back and forth inside the manger, and hit his head because of the low roof.
"Jesus Christ!"
and Mary: "Ehy, I like that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdfozc/mary_and_joseph_are_trying_to_find_a_name_for/
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What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A dictator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdfodj/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_penis_and_a/
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A Scot and his grandson are sitting on a hill....

The Scot says to his grandson:
"Look at those houses in our village, I built them with my bare hands! But do they call me Peter the Builder? No!.
Look at that big farm outside our village, I farmed it with my bare hands! But do they call me Peter the Farmer? No!.
But you shag one sheep..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdfguu/a_scot_and_his_grandson_are_sitting_on_a_hill/
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What did the commander say to his troops on this day?

March fourth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdfc1w/what_did_the_commander_say_to_his_troops_on_this/
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A man is sitting on top of his house during a flood while the water is slowly rising.

He waits and waits until a man in a canoe approaches him.
“Would you like me to bring you to safety sir?”
“No, god will save me.”
The man in the canoe leaves. 3 hours later, a rescue team approaches him.
“Would you like me to escort you to a safer area sir?”
“No, god will save me!”
The rescue team leaves. A day later, a helicopter approaches him.
“Would you like a lift to safety sir?”
“No! God will save me!”
The helicopter leaves. A few hours later, the water rose too high, which causes the man to drown and die. When the man gets to heaven, he asks god:
“Why didn’t you save me?”
“what are you talking about? I gave you 3 chances!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdf9fm/a_man_is_sitting_on_top_of_his_house_during_a/
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Metahumor

A priest, a rabbi, a dwarf and a donkey walk into a bar.  The dwarf is naked and riding backward on the donkey.
The bartender looks at them and says, "WTF is this, a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdf97t/metahumor/
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A wise Chinese man once said, "If a dog barks ..

...  it's undercooked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdf858/a_wise_chinese_man_once_said_if_a_dog_barks/
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A neutron walks into a bar.

He orders a drink and asks the bartender,”How much is it?” The bartender replies,”For you, no charge.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdf6r3/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man walks into a bar with the head a size of an orange

The man is dressed in an  expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has  a limo parked outside. But the man has head the size of an orange.
The  customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every  woman in the joint, despite having an orange-sized head.
The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.
"Excuse  me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistible to women, but you have an orange-sized head. How are you so successful?"
So the man told his story.
"A  while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw  an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a  clean, and POOF! out popped a beautiful genie. The genie explained that she had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so  grateful to me for freeing him that she would give me any three wishes.
"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.
"For  my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful  women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have  been able to get any woman I wanted.
"For my third wish -- and, I think this is where I fucked up -- I asked for a head the size of an orange."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdf66z/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_the_head_a_size_of_an/
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Did you hear about the corduroy pillows?

they're making headlines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdf58e/did_you_hear_about_the_corduroy_pillows/
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I gave my girlfriend an orgasm

and she swallowed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdf1bq/i_gave_my_girlfriend_an_orgasm/
%
I knew a guy who worked in IT in Australia

I said "Do you come from a LAN Down Under?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdexc6/i_knew_a_guy_who_worked_in_it_in_australia/
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Why shouldn't you gamble in the jungle?

There's too many CHEETAHS!
(Source: My Dad)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdeqze/why_shouldnt_you_gamble_in_the_jungle/
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[NSFW] What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdepxl/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_hungry_and_horny/
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A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.

" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."
Student - "yeah, right".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdejsl/a_linguistic_professor_was_giving_a_lecture/
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All my past relations ended because of my small penis

But my current wife says it’s no biggie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdeftb/all_my_past_relations_ended_because_of_my_small/
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How many ears does Alaska have?

The left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdeb8c/how_many_ears_does_alaska_have/
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I'm running a low fever and have a slight, dry cough. But don't worry

It's just Corona Lite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdeb1y/im_running_a_low_fever_and_have_a_slight_dry/
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A Catholic school is on fire

The Principal orders everyone to leave immediately. A priest runs up to him and says "but sir, there are still children trapped inside." The principal says "fuck the kids"
Priest says "do you think there's enough time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fde9nd/a_catholic_school_is_on_fire/
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My wife said I make love like a painter.

What like Da Vinci I said. Smooth strokes, attention to detail, resulting in masterpiece?
No, she said. Like a council painter. You rush the job, leave mess everywhere and I end up having to finish it myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fde9jb/my_wife_said_i_make_love_like_a_painter/
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What's the difference between a prostitute and life?

Life fucks everyone for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fde6gt/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_life/
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To people who wave a paper to cool yourself, I tell you

not a fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fde5s5/to_people_who_wave_a_paper_to_cool_yourself_i/
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How much weight do you lose after having a wisdom tooth taken out?

A molar mass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fde55r/how_much_weight_do_you_lose_after_having_a_wisdom/
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"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse.

The other 35% were women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fddvkb/65_of_people_say_that_cheating_on_your_income_tax/
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Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today.

Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdduo3/got_tasered_picking_up_my_friend_from_the_airport/
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Good Samaritan

Last night I was walking in the park and I saw some guys beating a poor elderly man. Naturally, I ran to help. We kicked the crap out of that geezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fddod2/good_samaritan/
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Tales of Yuri

There once was a man named Yuri.
Yuri had lived in Russia all of his life, in a small town near Moscow. The town had horrible weather conditions almost all of the time and very few people lived there. Everyone living in the town was struggling to survive in such poor conditions. Yuri had lived alone in a small house in this town. He worked every day at a factory that was close to this town. It was hard work, and Yuri was never very happy with his work, but he kept enduring the rough conditions to be able to have an income. Yuri's life had been like this for several years, and he had endured many hardships during these times.
Every day, while Yuri was taking his walk to the factory before work began, he always passed by a large billboard on the side of the road. The billboard changed every month or so, usually showing an irrelevant advertisement for something that Yuri had little interest in. Today, however, Yuri noticed a new advertisement on the billboard. It read, "SWIMMING LESSONS" in large letters, accompanied by a picture of a large man swimming through the water. This ad had given Yuri something to be interested in. He had always had an intense passion for swimming, but it was always too difficult to practice in the frigid waters of the lake near his home. Yuri continued to read the ad before he finally came to the price: 5000 Rubles base fee.
Yuri was sad, because this was much more than Yuri could afford to spend. However, he thought to himself, "If I could save up enough money from the factory work, then by the end of the month, I should have enough..." After this, he decided that day that he would work as hard as he could to make sure he had enough money by the end of the month. He even had to cut back his food supply by just a small amount to still have enough money. Finally, at the end of the month, Yuri finally had enough money to be able to go to the swimming pool not far from his home where the practices were being held.
Every day after his hard work at the factory, he greatly enjoyed going back to the pool and practicing his swimming. He had started quickly and advanced rapidly. Everyone who frequented the pool to practice their swimming was impressed by Yuri's natural ability to be able to learn and adapt so quickly, becoming very popular with the people at the pool, his hometown, and even in Moscow. It was truly a passion of Yuri's.
A few months had passed, and Yuri's amazing swimming abilities had been noticed by people in places all across Russia, considering a swimming prodigy. Yuri was always modest about his skills, but was humble nonetheless. However, he still had to continue his work at the factory, and live in the same small house he had lived in since he was born. For him, swimming was the one thing that saved him from the cruel and harsh life he lived.
Later that month, on his way to the factory once again, he had noticed that the billboard he so often passed had changed once again. While it was difficult to read in the unrelenting snowstorm, he managed to make out the words "DIVING PRACTICES" in big letters. Diving was something that Yuri had also found to be interesting, but could never find the time nor place to practice properly. The pool he went to had no diving boards or excessively deep sections of the pool, so it was hard for Yuri to practice diving. However, this would give him another opportunity to pursue what he wanted to do. He looked down at the bottom of the billboard and saw something that, like the other ad, made his heart drop. The base fee was 7500 Rubles.
Yuri knew that it would take another month or two of hard work at the factory to be able to achieve such a high sum of money. The factory was beginning to offer less and less money to Yuri, making life harder on him than it was before. He had to cut back his food money as well to accommodate for this. However, Yuri overcame the hardships in his life and save up just enough money by the end of two months.
The practices were held at another pool not far from the one he already went to, so it was easy for him to practice both swimming and diving at once. He continued to master his swimming skills while also learning how to practice diving. Much like with swimming, however, he had picked up skills quickly, and it only took him another few months before he had mastered diving.
Many people had heard of Yuri at this point. Several news stories across Russia were focused around Yuri, who was considered to be the best swimmer and diver in the whole country. He continued to remain incredibly modest through all of his interviews. "It is only something I am fond of, a hobby" Yuri would say. "I still have a life in the factory that I must attend to every day. It is a hard life, so swimming and diving are what I use to keep myself healthy." Despite his fame and popularity, Yuri did continue to work at the factory day in and day out, receiving little pay and little food for all of his hard work. Despite all of Yuri's hardships, he continued his daily routine of working, swimming, and diving.
For yet another time, Yuri was on his way to the factory. The billboard had changed once again. Yuri anticipated something exciting on the billboard, and he was not disappointed at what he saw. "TRAVEL TO AMERICA TODAY!" read the ad. Yuri was very interested. He had always heard of America, and had heard nothing but positive things about it. The land of the free! It was a very exciting idea to Yuri. However, he knew that with ads like these, he knew they would come at a steep price. Unfortunately, he thought correctly. The boats that traveled to America were advertised as costing 60,000 Rubles.
Yuri knew that that kind of sum would come from only another year or so of hard work at the factory. The factory work had become increasingly more difficult every single day, with little pay, food, and free time. However, he endured the next year the same way he endured the previous years: with swimming and diving. It truly was his passion, and Yuri was not sure on how he would have survived without them.
Finally, the year had passed, and Yuri had finally saved up enough Rubles to be able to ride the boat to America. He climbed aboard the boat with all of his possessions with him, all managing to fit in one small suitcase. The boat was somewhat small in size, being able to house only around 20 or so people. The boat set sail across the cold waters of the ocean. About a day had passed when people had finally recognized Yuri, the famed Russian swimmer and diver. They were all very excited to meet Yuri, and had several questions to ask him about his swimming skills. "It is nothing much, just a passion of mine, that is all. It is something I use to endure the hardships and trials of my life..." Yuri would always respond to his fans.
One day the boat had to make a stop at a small island to fill up the boat's gas supply, for they had much less than they had expected to have. It was a nice, sunny day outside, and the water was said to be very warm. One of the passengers asked Yuri to show off some of his diving techniques to his fans, since they had time to kill before the boat would depart again. "Hey, Yuri! While we wait, could you show us some of your diving skills? I would LOVE to see them!" Yuri was hesitant at first. Another passenger asked, "And maybe once you have done that, could you show us your swimming techniques? The water is warm, and it would make my day to see them!" Yuri replied, "Well... ok, if you all insist I do it."
Yuri looked off the side of the boat. On the bottom of the boat, a balcony extended from the bottom. Yuri feared he might hit the balcony on his dive down, but everyone else assured Yuri that he wouldn't hit it in a million years. Yuri stepped up over the railing, onto the side of the boat. With the same skill that he had used so many times before, he demonstrated his graceful diving skills by performing his favorite dive he knew. His fans watched in amazement as his body twirled through the air beautifully, showing the same amount of skill he put into each of his other dives. As he dove down towards the war waters below, people watched and expected for Yuri to land smoothly in the water.
Unfortunately, Yuri never landed in the water. He landed instead on the solid, hard deck of the boat's balcony below. The impact sounded painful, and all of the spectators winced on pain over his fall. Yuri remained motionless for several seconds, and his fans began to worry. Many people were about to call for medics when Yuri managed to get up slowly. "Are you alright Yuri? That fall looked hard! That must have broken some bones!" Yuri, however, had barely an injury. As he had gotten up, he simply regained his sense of direction. This had amazed several people, as that kind of a fall would have surely broken any other person's bones, if not killed them. Instead, Yuri simply stood up with barely a scratch, and waved back at the row of spectators.
"It is OK, everybody" Yuri yelled back. "I have endured many hardships in my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fddjek/tales_of_yuri/
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How do you keep a Redditor in suspense for 24 hours?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdddp8/how_do_you_keep_a_redditor_in_suspense_for_24/
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A couple's children get together to ask their him about the origin of their names.

"I suppose you're all old enough that we can tell you the real story. Each of you were named according to the circumstances surrounding your conception," the father said.
"What about me?" asked his first child.
"Well, Breckenridge, your father and I took our honeymoon to go skiing and nine months later, there you were," replied the mother.
"And me?" asked his second child.
"My darling daughter Gloria, your mother and I had gone to the symphony for our second anniversary and things got a bit heated when we got home," replied her father.
"How about me?" asked his third child.
"Well, Broken Condom, it's kind of a funny story..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fddd94/a_couples_children_get_together_to_ask_their_him/
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My welsh friend.

I once asked a welsh friend of mine how many sheep had he fucked. One minute after counting,he fell asleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fddd1o/my_welsh_friend/
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I confronted a mime today.

He did unspeakable things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fddcb1/i_confronted_a_mime_today/
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Joe Biden Singing the Alphabet

Joe: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P,"
\*pauses\*
"I don't remember the rest,"
"Nor can I sing,"
"That doesn't matter,"
"You know the thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fddapx/joe_biden_singing_the_alphabet/
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A pornstar an a nun enter a bar...

The pornstar (male) already wanted to fuck. He sees this young nun,and confident of his body and his charm,he goes to talk to her and says;
-I'll be honest. I came here 'cause I want to fuck you
-Oh good Lord! Of course not! I made a promise. I can't do that.
The nun then, pretty horrified,leaves,and the pornstar stays there drinking to forget.
The bartender, who had listened to the whole conversation, says to the pornstar:
-hey,I know what you have to do to fuck her.
- really? What?
-the nun goes every night to the gardens of the Church, hoping to find God. If you go there dressed as Him, you could fuck her.
-Wow! Thanks!
So the pornstar goes to the garden at night,dressed as Him, and he sees the hot nun. When he appeared in front of her,the nun says:
-Oh! Could it be, are you God Himself?
-That's right my child. And if you want to know the secrets of the universe,I must fuck you.
- Of course God! Anything for you! But from the ass, I want to maintain pure
So they start fucking,and the nun really seems to like it, until the pornstar makes the confession:
-Ha! You fell right into my trap! I'm the pornstar
- And you fell right into mine! I am the bartender!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdd9qv/a_pornstar_an_a_nun_enter_a_bar/
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Farmers daughters

A farmer and his employee are working on his field.
After a while, it starts to rain.
The farmer says: "Go in my house and get my boots".
The employee runs in the house and sees the farmers twin daughters.
The employee: "Your dad told me to go in and fuck you both".
Daughters: "You fucking liar".
Employee: "I prove it."
Employee yelling: "Hey farmer!"
Farmer "What?"
Employee still yelling: "Both?"
Farmer: " OF COURSE BOTH YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdd7o7/farmers_daughters/
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Dentist: “This is going to hurt a little"

Patient: “ OK "
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdd6tj/dentist_this_is_going_to_hurt_a_little/
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Walls of youth

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdd1i5/walls_of_youth/
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We lost our dog at the grocery store while buying vegetables

If you see him, lettuce know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdcvq0/we_lost_our_dog_at_the_grocery_store_while_buying/
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Some college kids are travelling

the world to get some life experience. While visiting Morocco they decided to split up and meet back up at noon for lunch. One young man, losing track of time and not having a watch stops and asks a merchant who was sitting beside a camel.
The merchant looks up at the man then turns to the camel and grabs the camel by the testicles. The man moves the testicles to the left, then to the right, then up a bit and replies: "It is 11:45". The college kid runs to meet his friends for lunch.
After lunch he convinces them all to see this miraculous sight. Finding the man and the camel again the college boy once again inquires to the time. The man, again, lifts and moves the testicles of the camel and replies 2:15.
Amazed and impressed again the college kids offered the man $100 to tell them his secret. The man replied ...
There is a clock tower over there and if I move the camels balls out of the way I can just barely see it without standing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdcv54/some_college_kids_are_travelling/
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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off.
“Where the hell have you been?!?!”
“Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”
She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!!
You’ve been fishing again!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdcs0l/a_mans_wife_asks_him_to_go_to_the_store_to_buy/
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The Italian wedding Test [Long]

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdckrz/the_italian_wedding_test_long/
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Bully: I bet your dick is a size of a tic tac

The quiet kid: That's why your mom's breath smells so good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdcgwf/bully_i_bet_your_dick_is_a_size_of_a_tic_tac/
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Pilot and his coffee

Pilot: “Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome aboard Silver Jet Airlines. Our flight from Melbourne to Los Angeles will take around 14 hours, so make yourself comfortable and enjoy the flight.”
After the Pilots announcements, all Stewardesses start giving the safety instructions.
While the Stewardesses giving the instructions, you can hear from the speakers:
“Alright I’m turning the autopilot on”
“Sure go ahead”
“Man did you see the lips on the new Stewardess?”
“Hah, hell yeah. A blowjob with those lips and a coffee , and this flight would be perfect”
Meanwhile the new Stewardess is rushing to get to the pilots cabin to tell them that the mic is still on. While running an old man stops her, she’s looking at him and he says:
“You forgot the coffee.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdccmk/pilot_and_his_coffee/
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So I was boarding a plane the other day

And my girlfriend was worried for me going to China. She texted me: "be careful! Don't catch the corvid flu!"
I replied: "crows, ravens, jackdaws, and blue jay's don't have flu. It's okay to just admit you're wrong, you know?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdc28u/so_i_was_boarding_a_plane_the_other_day/
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I'm divorcing my wife...

"I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past mightnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdbvn1/im_divorcing_my_wife/
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Why shouldn't you wear Russian Y-fronts?

Because Chernobyl fallout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdbskh/why_shouldnt_you_wear_russian_yfronts/
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I can't believe I pay so much money per year for toilet paper

It's a total rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdbqgl/i_cant_believe_i_pay_so_much_money_per_year_for/
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What does a Muslim person say when they're asking someone to be their sex friend?

Will you be my haram bae?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdbq06/what_does_a_muslim_person_say_when_theyre_asking/
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The Welsh language...

...was invented by someone losing at Scrabble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdbp8t/the_welsh_language/
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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"
The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted island. After several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her"
To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you"
"My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days"
The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man... And what is your final wish?"
"Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you"
The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work"
Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdblnk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_next_to_a_guy/
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My wife told me to stop singing “Wonderwall” .

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdbeuv/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdb6jg/i_knew_a_guy_who_used_to_get_tony_hawk_and/
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Yo I just found out that

Ironman is a (Fe)male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fday21/yo_i_just_found_out_that/
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The punchline is always before the joke.

I hate time travelling jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdatd0/the_punchline_is_always_before_the_joke/
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I'll be the first to admit I don't eat enough vegetables.

I just can't be arsed getting rid of the wheelchairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdapuy/ill_be_the_first_to_admit_i_dont_eat_enough/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdanla/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
1 to repost and claim as their own content.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn).
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.
44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.
12 to post F.
8 to ask what F means.
36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.
6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
OG joke credit: u/tigerjess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdahi8/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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First post - have mercy

I wanted to research bestiality, but I felt I was going down a rabbit-hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdae7d/first_post_have_mercy/
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3 merchants

So there were 3 merchants,
They went to a distant land that had no hotel
So, they kept walking until they found a kings castle. Once they entered the castle, they asked the king if they can sleep one night in his glorious castle.  He accepted but with ONE condition.
"none of you can sleep with my daughter. If you do, you will be executed on the spot."
So the next morning, all 3 merchants were summoned to the king.
King: ok i know all 3 of you bitches slept with my daughter last night. I should execute every single one of you right here and now. However, i will give you each one chance to redeem yourselves. Go get 10 pieces of the same fruit.
So they all went. The first came back with 10 apples.
King: now, to redeem yourself, stick all 10 of thoes apples up your arse, and if you make a single sound, whether its laughing or groning, or any other sound, ill kill you on the spot.
So the first got through about half of the first one then started screaming out in pain. So the king killed him, and he went heaven.
Second came along and brought 10 grapes. Easy right? He got through 9 then bursted out LAUGHING, NOT PAIN. when he died and got to heaven, the 1st asked the 2nd:
Yo how did u fail that? It was so easy!
Second replied:
Sorry bro *giggle* but i saw the third come with 10 PINEAPPLES!....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fdad6q/3_merchants/
%
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases."

"In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fda2a8/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table_the_son_asks_the/
%
What is blue and not heavy?

Light blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fda1m4/what_is_blue_and_not_heavy/
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A man comes home to his wife and tells her that he got fired from his job at the pickle packaging plant because he stuck his penis in the pickle slicer. The wife asks if he is ok and he replies that he is better than ever. The wife asks what they will do with the tainted penis slicer & he replies

“Oh, he got fired too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fda1k2/a_man_comes_home_to_his_wife_and_tells_her_that/
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I arrived at the sperm bank, but there's nobody here

I think I came too early

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd9ps7/i_arrived_at_the_sperm_bank_but_theres_nobody_here/
%
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd9ot2/a_teacher_asks_her_class_what_do_you_want_to_be/
%
Mike Bloomberg should quit the race now

Mic drop...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd9j44/mike_bloomberg_should_quit_the_race_now/
%
How many super sayians does it take to skrew in a lightbulb?

Just one but it takes 54 episodes, 2 failed spirit bombs, Killins death and an exploding planet and will be continued next time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd9daj/how_many_super_sayians_does_it_take_to_skrew_in_a/
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My wife waved her hands at me and said: Hey! Have you been listening?

I told her that this is a rude way to start a conversation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd9aic/my_wife_waved_her_hands_at_me_and_said_hey_have/
%
Where did shuttlecocks get their name?

Rocketdick didn't catch on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd981a/where_did_shuttlecocks_get_their_name/
%
As a writer, my vocabulary is excellent, but my spelling is lacking...

... I thought as I gazed at the squiggly red line beneath the word solemly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd8xxg/as_a_writer_my_vocabulary_is_excellent_but_my/
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This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today...

Not every  one of you, of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd8sfj/this_time_next_year_you_guys_will_be_laughing/
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I put the "cum" in "vacuume"

No seriously guys, my moms gonna be home any minute and the tube is filled. How do I get it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd8pvw/i_put_the_cum_in_vacuume/
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Two priests from different churches die and meet in hell

Priest 1: Why did you land here in hell?
Priest 2: Well, I was accused by St. Peters of cracking jokes during the service, so he sent me here. How about you?
Priest 1: Yeah, I too was accused of kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd8kuz/two_priests_from_different_churches_die_and_meet/
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Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn't. It used the sidewalk.
(This was a joke my teacher made)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd8jjz/why_did_the_crab_cross_the_road/
%
Shower thoughts are just toilet thoughts

butt cleaner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd8gy5/shower_thoughts_are_just_toilet_thoughts/
%
A relationship is alot like ea games

It starts off great until the microtransactions come in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd8gci/a_relationship_is_alot_like_ea_games/
%
Cleavage

Something you can look down upon and approve of at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd8ez4/cleavage/
%
I call my GF a plumber.

Because she cleans my pipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd8722/i_call_my_gf_a_plumber/
%
“Take a card, any card,” the magician says.

I take his credit card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd81y6/take_a_card_any_card_the_magician_says/
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What was the name for that stuff that builds up under foreskin again?

It's on the tip of my tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd81ku/what_was_the_name_for_that_stuff_that_builds_up/
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Coronavirus came from Wuhan but it isn't the only disease to come from China

There's also the Wu Ping cough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd816o/coronavirus_came_from_wuhan_but_it_isnt_the_only/
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What did the father grape say when his son died?

Everything happens for a raisin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd7wzg/what_did_the_father_grape_say_when_his_son_died/
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A Holocaust survivor dies of old age

In heaven he tells God a holocaust joke and God says, that's not funny. The survivor says, well I guess you had to be there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd7sft/a_holocaust_survivor_dies_of_old_age/
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As many of us know, 'Retirement' is different for everyone.

One day, while driving to do some shopping, I passed by a newer retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass. The Villages in Florida.I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way. On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her, "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a yard sale..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd7kct/as_many_of_us_know_retirement_is_different_for/
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How do you know if you've killed a vegan?

## They'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd772x/how_do_you_know_if_youve_killed_a_vegan/
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A woman confronts her stalker.

The woman says, "I'm getting a restraining order so you'll legally have to stop following me!"
The man, outraged, yelled, "You can't do that! I haven't done anything wrong!"
"Watch me!", said the woman.
"Well, which is it?", replied the stalker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd75rw/a_woman_confronts_her_stalker/
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I was diagnosed with the corona virus at a brothel and the whole place was immediately quarantined.

Jeez, now I'll be stuck here for two weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd6lkq/i_was_diagnosed_with_the_corona_virus_at_a/
%
An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.
The masseur can't believe his luck as he puts his hands on her gorgeous naked form. He gets a little carried away and starts caressing her upper thigh. The blond visibly stiffens. Thinking quickly he says, "your hamstrings are very tight. Have they been sore lately?"
"Oh. I guess so. A little maybe." replies the blond relaxing again.
Some time passes and the masseur takes things a little further. He begins groping her ass. She reacts slightly, but he says, "you have a bad knot in your glutes too. Let me work it out for you." The woman again relaxes.
He turns her face up and starts rubbing lotion on her chest. She blushes but says nothing. He goes further, plainly fondling her breasts. She has no reaction at all.
Emboldened, he gently parts her legs and slips a finger into her privates. He unzips his pants intently watching for her reaction. The blond just lays there watching him as he proceeds to make love to her.
Afterward, as the blond woman is settling the bill with the receptionist, she asks if she'd had any concerns that the masseur had neglected to address.
"None at all." replies the blond. "I got a full body massage, a breast exam, a pelvic, and he even gave me something for my herpes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd6iys/an_extremely_attractive_young_blond_woman_goes_to/
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At least we know Kobe was a good dad

He wasn't a helicopter parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd6i4t/at_least_we_know_kobe_was_a_good_dad/
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Stupid joke in description, too short to split into title and desc

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd6dp7/stupid_joke_in_description_too_short_to_split/
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What does a guy say when he gets stabbed

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
(What'd you think he say?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd61eo/what_does_a_guy_say_when_he_gets_stabbed/
%
A politician spends 500 million dollars on his own campaign...

And all he gets is American Samoa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd60qk/a_politician_spends_500_million_dollars_on_his/
%
Why do Cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they Lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd5wb8/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
There's a lot of corona jokes on here

Surprised that none of them has gone viral yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd5rf8/theres_a_lot_of_corona_jokes_on_here/
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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd5l2d/a_woman_decides_to_have_a_face_lift_for_her_50th/
%
Why don't they do reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because you don't turn your back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd5ci4/why_dont_they_do_reverse_cowgirl_in_alabama/
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I’m gonna start a religion about that Jewish guy who went around trying to help poor people but was killed because he was betrayed by one of his former close allies

I’m calling it Trotskyism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd5bn1/im_gonna_start_a_religion_about_that_jewish_guy/
%
I think everyone should use two deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd5b9p/i_think_everyone_should_use_two_deodorants_one/
%
My wife asked me: "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So I took her to a movie, to a dinner and then I dropped her off at her parent's place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd57bg/my_wife_asked_me_why_dont_you_treat_me_like_you/
%
Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.
Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"
"This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd54ek/job_interview/
%
My girlfriend just emailed me: "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd52to/my_girlfriend_just_emailed_me/
%
Microsoft is releasing a a reverse Outlook soon

So we should all be on Lookout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd52bi/microsoft_is_releasing_a_a_reverse_outlook_soon/
%
If a girl says she'll be ready in 10 minutes, she will!

No need to remind her ever 20 minutes about it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd51r5/if_a_girl_says_shell_be_ready_in_10_minutes_she/
%
I made a website for orphans

Unfortunately, it doesn't have a homepage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd515m/i_made_a_website_for_orphans/
%
Whats the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my dick into your ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd4xl4/whats_the_difference_between_peanut_butter_and_jam/
%
You guys are going really green

I mean even this joke is recycled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd4x37/you_guys_are_going_really_green/
%
My friend recently told me a joke about Helium

He He He

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd4vyp/my_friend_recently_told_me_a_joke_about_helium/
%
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd4vt8/the_nurse_at_the_sperm_bank_asked_me_if_id_like/
%
My bank is really proud of me

According to them, I have an outstanding balance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd4vdt/my_bank_is_really_proud_of_me/
%
What's the hardest part about being Vegan?

Keeping it to yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd4qx9/whats_the_hardest_part_about_being_vegan/
%
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd4ipn/i_caught_two_kids_smoking_pot_outside_my_office/
%
I saw my ex-girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello..

there was just too much history between us..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd4g7z/i_saw_my_exgirlfriend_across_the_museum_hall_but/
%
At a bus stop near the center of town

An elderly woman gets on the bus and takes a seat behind two old Italian friends engaged in conversation.
"How was your night last night, Tony?"
"Ah Giuseppe, it was a a-wonderful night-a a last-a night-a."
" You see, Emma a-come first,  then I come a-next. Then our two asses a-come together, and I a-come again.  Our two asses a- come together again. I a-pee pee a-twice and I a-come one more a-time"
Appalled, the old woman turns to the policeman standing in the aisle.
"Officer,  are you going to arrest that man for that foul language??"
"For what? Spelling Mississippi? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd472f/at_a_bus_stop_near_the_center_of_town/
%
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a lamp.

After rubbing on it, a genie pops out!
The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The genie asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd45s0/a_professor_a_ceo_and_a_janitor_are_in_a_forest/
%
Google sky asked me to rate our solar system.

You can only give it one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd3zxe/google_sky_asked_me_to_rate_our_solar_system/
%
Due to spaghettification, if Elon Musk flew his shuttle through a Black Hole...

he would become Elon Gated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd3lk3/due_to_spaghettification_if_elon_musk_flew_his/
%
My 3 favourite things

I like eating my family and not using commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd3l1l/my_3_favourite_things/
%
There's no 'i' in sex.

Maybe that's why I'm not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd3j53/theres_no_i_in_sex/
%
When it started to fall apart...

A much older man married a sweet young girl.  On their wedding night, he came strutting out of the hotel bathroom, swinging it.
He:  Do you know what this is called, Honey?
She (giggling):  That's a pee-pee.
He (chucking):  Oh no, Honey, this is a cock.
She (giggling):  Oh no, Sweetie, I've seen lots of cocks, and that's a pee-pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd3i39/when_it_started_to_fall_apart/
%
A man comes home from a long day of work...

...and is absolutely delighted to see that his lamps have been stolen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd3ezp/a_man_comes_home_from_a_long_day_of_work/
%
Dave is a well known, respected hunter, known to be the best in the state.

One night, he is sitting in a bar with some friends, and an out of state hunter stops in the bar.
He overhears Dave’s friends talking about how he’s the best and says, “there is no way he is the best hunter in the state!”
So Dave bets him that he can not look and guess what an animal was an how it died by its fur. For every one he gets right, the hunter will buy him a beer.
Thinking he can’t possibly do this, the hunter agrees. He gives Dave a skin, and after a pause, he says “black bear, killed by a .308 rifle.” He was right, and got a beer.
Another bar patron went and got a pelt from his car trunk and gives it to Dave. After a few minutes of feeling the fur, Dave says “Elk, killed by a 7mm rifle.”
He was right again, and swigged another pint.
This went on long through the night, with the hunter and other patrons bringing Dave pelts and furs, giving him beer after beer, until he stumbled home drunk of his ass. He woke up the next morning with one hell of a shiner, and asked his wife “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it! What happened?”
“You didn’t get in a fight, I gave that to you.”
“You? But you’re my wife. Why would you hit me?”
“Because last night when you came home, you came into bed next to em, put your hand down my panties and loudly declared ‘skunk! Killed by an axe!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd3dkr/dave_is_a_well_known_respected_hunter_known_to_be/
%
Why couldn't the GI tract pick up her kid from school?

He was in testing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd3cmz/why_couldnt_the_gi_tract_pick_up_her_kid_from/
%
Long but gold, Couldn’t find it posted before. Marked NSFW for swearing. But how on earth this man gunna get broccoli??

There’s a grocery store, with a giant sign first thing in the doors that says “no broccoli”.
A man walks into this grocery store, walks up to the counter and says “hey man, you got any broccoli?”
The cashier looks at him and says “nah man we have no broccoli, sign out front says no broccoli. Sorry man”
The man says “alright sounds good see ya later man”
-10 minutes pass by, the man walks back into the grocery store goes to the same counter and says the to same cashier
“Hey man, you got any broccoli?”
The cashier turns around with a puzzled look on his face and says “huh? Nah man we have no broccoli, we got none out back, none coming in today. We have no broccoli. I’m sorry”
“Okay sounds good, cya later” as the man turns to leave.
-10 minutes later, the same man walks into the same grocery store, trots up to the same counter and says to the same cashier
“Hey man, you got any broccoli?”
“What?! Do you know how to read??” Asked the cashier
Man: ya man I know how to read
Cashier: ok I gotta test this, spell “cat” as in catastrophe.
Man: ya okay. C-A-T
Cashier: okay, no spell “dog” as in dogmatics.
Man: okay ya that’s easy. D-O-G
Cashier: okay no spell “fuck” as in broccoli.
Man: hey man there is no fuck in broccoli
Cashier: EXACTLY THERE IS NO FUCKIN BROCCOLI!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd3bes/long_but_gold_couldnt_find_it_posted_before/
%
Jose a man who forces their pet to be vegan wakes up to go to a job interview

Jose gets things together to leave and drives down to the comedy club.
Jose: “Hi, I’m here for an interview.”
Manager: “Sure just go up on the stage and we’ll be with you soon.”
Jose looks confused but walks up on the stage. The manager starts to whisper something to everyone and immediately afterwards, people start laughing. Some people are on the floor laughing with tears in their eyes. Jose runs off, embarrassed and angry. He walks up to the manager with a frown and says, “What did you tell them?” The manager chuckles and says, “I told them you force pets to be vegan and they laughed because you’re the real joke.”
(This is the first joke I tried to write. If it’s not funny tell me how I can do better next time)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd39u5/jose_a_man_who_forces_their_pet_to_be_vegan_wakes/
%
A kid gets back from his field trip to the zoo where his dad is at the school waiting for him

Dad - “hey son how was your trip”
Son - “it was so cool I got chased by a lion”
Dad - “omg son what happened”
Son - “I saw it chasing some so I ran as fast as I could”
Dad - “and then what happened”
Son - “right as it was catching up, it slipped!”
Dad - “omg what happened next”
Son - “it got up and started running to me again but then it slipped AGAIN”
Dad - “omg son if I was in your shoes, I would’ve shit my pants”
Son - “what do you think the lion slipped on?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd394e/a_kid_gets_back_from_his_field_trip_to_the_zoo/
%
How did the doctor tell his patient that he has only 48h left to live?

He said: "I'm sorry but you only have tumour days left to live"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd2z4j/how_did_the_doctor_tell_his_patient_that_he_has/
%
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear

Im not exactly sure if it was because she was still wearing it or because the rest of the family was present. Either way it made the funeral very awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd2w8c/a_friend_got_mad_at_me_for_smelling_his_sisters/
%
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar

The bartender says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd2vuj/a_pair_of_jumper_cables_walk_into_a_bar/
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A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added... "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd2kfb/a_mother_was_in_the_kitchen_listening_to_her_five/
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What is the only ageist railroad?

The incontinental railroad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd2i5v/what_is_the_only_ageist_railroad/
%
How can you tell if a guy has a high sperm count?

You have to chew before you swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd2az9/how_can_you_tell_if_a_guy_has_a_high_sperm_count/
%
my friend told me there's a gay guy in our circle of friends

i really hope it's Jerry, he's cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd1zfw/my_friend_told_me_theres_a_gay_guy_in_our_circle/
%
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having an identity crisis

"Some days I feel like a teepee" he says.
"Then other days I feel like a wigwam. I dont know which one is true"
"One day, teepee! The next, wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam!"
The psychiatrist yells, "Get a grip, man! You're too tense!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd1ecz/a_guy_went_to_a_psychiatrist_because_he_was/
%
Being racist is like saying you don't like red skittles

They may be a different colour but they still taste about the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd1bhf/being_racist_is_like_saying_you_dont_like_red/
%
Where do black pastas live?

In the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd190v/where_do_black_pastas_live/
%
Someone thought i was Stephen King's son.

I had to correct them. It didn't help, because they assumed I was Joe King.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd15nq/someone_thought_i_was_stephen_kings_son/
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I got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” confused.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd13ax/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_confused/
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A Father Jim has to drop a deuce during confessional...

...he pops his head of the curtain and calls over one of the alter boys - Timmy. I need you to cover for me.
Timmy walks over. I don’t know what to do.
The priest points to a list on the wall. One side has the offense and the other has the consequence.
Just lower your voice and read from the list.
So the boy sits down.
A lady enters the confessional. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I cheated on my husband.
Cheating. Cheating. *deep voice* 3 hail Mary’s and an Our Father.
A guy enters. Forgive me.  I stole from the store.
Theft. Theft. 5 Hail Marys.
A lady enters. Forgive me father, I gave a stranger a blow job.
Blow Job. Blow Job. It’s not on the list.
Timmy pokes his head out of the curtain and calls to the other alter boy.
Stephen, what does Father Jim give for a blowjob?
A handful of gummy bears and a snickers bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd0xe2/a_father_jim_has_to_drop_a_deuce_during/
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What did the Eskimo man say when he caught his wife cheating with the neighbor?

Inuit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd0wau/what_did_the_eskimo_man_say_when_he_caught_his/
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A man goes to a doctor....

He says I don't know if my wife has TB or VD. The doctor says Chase her around the bed. If she coughs, fuck her.
—Gilbert Godfried

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd0uvm/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

A holy roller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd0mlz/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
What a twist

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
Teacher: 502.
Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!
Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.
Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: open door,put giraffe in, close door
Student: no! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
Teacher: let me guess the lion?
Student: No!The giraffe because He’s in a fridge.
Teacher: WOW!
Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?
Student:The gators are at the party.
Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?
Teacher:She drowned?!
Student: no! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd0kmh/what_a_twist/
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How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn).
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.
44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.
12 to post F.
8 to ask what F means.
36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.
6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd0glz/how_many_redittors_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he ate his food before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd08ls/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
If you guys ever feel cold...

Go stand in the corner, its 90 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd0880/if_you_guys_ever_feel_cold/
%
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician watch two people enter a building. A little later, three people walk out.

Biologist: “They procreated in the building.”
Physicist: “The first measurement was off.”
Mathematician: “If one more person walks into the building, it will be empty.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fd01c1/a_biologist_a_physicist_and_a_mathematician_watch/
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I asked myself if I should go to a psychiatrist...

Opinions were divided

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fczw78/i_asked_myself_if_i_should_go_to_a_psychiatrist/
%
What do the Russian gov't and Corona virus have in common?

They are both trying to influenza the election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fczkku/what_do_the_russian_govt_and_corona_virus_have_in/
%
What happens when you play a country song backwards?

You get your truck back, your girl back, and your job back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fczd92/what_happens_when_you_play_a_country_song/
%
Stolen and re-worded.

"...but mom, I don't wanna go to school! The teachers think I'm stupid, and the kids there hate me!"
"But you have to go. You're the *principal,* after all.*"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcz8h8/stolen_and_reworded/
%
Back in 2009, I got my dick stuck in a DVD player playing a Disney Pixar movie.

Turns out I really fucked up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcz6ct/back_in_2009_i_got_my_dick_stuck_in_a_dvd_player/
%
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!"
Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcyyaj/ten_catholic_priests_all_die_in_a_bus_accident/
%
Son asks about the birds and the bees.

Son: “Dad a few of the boys at school were talking about sex, what is that?”
Dad: “well it’s a little hard to explain son.. i tell you what” “honey!”
( mother comes in father pulls down her pants and bends her over)
Dad: “see this pink hole on your mother?”
Son: “yes...”
Dad: “well watch your old man get to work”
(Father gets straight into it with no hesitation)
(From all the commotion his younger sister comes in asking what mum and dad are doing)
Son: “they’re having sex”
Sister: “what’s that”
Son: “well it’s a little hard to explain... I tell you what, see this brown hole on dad”
Sister: “yes...”
Son: “well watch your brother get to work”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcyxi1/son_asks_about_the_birds_and_the_bees/
%
A blind fella is in a department store walking up and down the aisles with a white cane in one hand while swinging a service dog on a leash above his head with the other hand. A store employee asks if he needs assistance.

The blind fella replies, “No thanks, just looking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcyvpm/a_blind_fella_is_in_a_department_store_walking_up/
%
Two guys are in the locker room changing, and one guy puts on a pair of panties. "jeezus, when did you start wearing womens panties?" the 1st guy asks.

"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcyrdp/two_guys_are_in_the_locker_room_changing_and_one/
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(Robber who stabbed me 23 times): "WTF, how aren't you dead?"

Me: Bro we're in the living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcyliu/robber_who_stabbed_me_23_times_wtf_how_arent_you/
%
What country never wins or loses?

Thailand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcyhoz/what_country_never_wins_or_loses/
%
What do TVs and genders have in common?

They used to be black and white but now there's 4K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcyfya/what_do_tvs_and_genders_have_in_common/
%
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcy9vf/a_bus_full_of_ugly_people_had_a_head_on_collision/
%
My Favorite Dr. Seuss Book:

One Wife, Two Wife, Dead Wife, New Wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcy834/my_favorite_dr_seuss_book/
%
I'm in bed, looking up at the stars and think to myself...

"Where the hell did my ceiling go?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcy5tv/im_in_bed_looking_up_at_the_stars_and_think_to/
%
How did the Corona Virus travel across world?

It flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcxomq/how_did_the_corona_virus_travel_across_world/
%
My Nan just got this sweet new senior citizen scooter

And man is that thing fast! It can do 30 aisles per hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcxjze/my_nan_just_got_this_sweet_new_senior_citizen/
%
Scientists have finally named the 119th element!

The new official name is “Astonishium”. It seems they have discovered the element of surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcxhmb/scientists_have_finally_named_the_119th_element/
%
A nurse goes to check on a patient..

She checks on her patient then quickly leaves the room. She goes to the nurses station to tell the other nurses what she has seen. Nurse says: "You'll never guess what I saw when I changed his bedpan. He has a tattoo on his penis that says 'Swan' ."
The other nurse goes in to check it out and returns 5 minutes later saying: "You're right about the tattoo..... but it says "*Saskatchewan*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcxb9e/a_nurse_goes_to_check_on_a_patient/
%
What do you call a broken boomerang?

My dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcx79t/what_do_you_call_a_broken_boomerang/
%
You have $500 dollars. Your friend wants to borrow $200 and your girlfriend wants $100.

What do you have left?
$500 and two left on read messages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcwui1/you_have_500_dollars_your_friend_wants_to_borrow/
%
To get my girlfriend in the mood, I start counting in a really sexy and seductive voice

I call it four play

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcwoid/to_get_my_girlfriend_in_the_mood_i_start_counting/
%
What does the Anti-Vax community and a clogged toilet have in common?

Both will leave you waist deep in shit if you tend to ignore them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcwm6k/what_does_the_antivax_community_and_a_clogged/
%
Two deer walks out of a gay bar...

One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcwjym/two_deer_walks_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
Somebody stole my Microsoft office, and they're going to pay.

You have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcwhl2/somebody_stole_my_microsoft_office_and_theyre/
%
Why was the soup from the Chinese restaurant so heavy?

It was ONE TON soup!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcwcnr/why_was_the_soup_from_the_chinese_restaurant_so/
%
A woman said to her husband "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcwaag/a_woman_said_to_her_husband_why_dont_you_treat_me/
%
I make six figures a year

By the end of 2020 I’m hoping complete 3 Darth Vaders, 2 Boba Fetts, and 1 Spider-Man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcw7y4/i_make_six_figures_a_year/
%
I was chatting up this girl in a bar

She asked me what I did for a living
“I work with animals” I replied
“Oh cute, are you a vet” she asked
“No, I’m a butcher”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcw7pk/i_was_chatting_up_this_girl_in_a_bar/
%
My tripod is broken

I can't stand it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcw66u/my_tripod_is_broken/
%
Me: Hello Doctor, My wife has just gone into labour

**Doctor:** Ok Don't panic, is this her first child?
**Me:** No, this is her husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcw5e7/me_hello_doctor_my_wife_has_just_gone_into_labour/
%
Scientists were baffled when hundreds of stars were suddenly extinguished.

Nobody saw the meteor that slammed into Hollywood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcw4xg/scientists_were_baffled_when_hundreds_of_stars/
%
What is Forrest Gumps password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcw4mu/what_is_forrest_gumps_password/
%
Want a mind-blowing game?

Let's play Russian Roulette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcw4m7/want_a_mindblowing_game/
%
What are the similarities between alien movies and school?

They are usually shot in America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcw4it/what_are_the_similarities_between_alien_movies/
%
Together, we can all end Alzheimer’s for good.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcw0q4/together_we_can_all_end_alzheimers_for_good/
%
Luigi should be president..

..because he has never done anything to get himself imPeach'd.
I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcvwjd/luigi_should_be_president/
%
It would be so easy to rob a deaf person.

Just break all of their fingers and they can’t tell anyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcvwen/it_would_be_so_easy_to_rob_a_deaf_person/
%
When you really have to pee but can't find the energy to get out of bed

You are in hiburination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcvukl/when_you_really_have_to_pee_but_cant_find_the/
%
A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

##
Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?
Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.
Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.
Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac.
Student: how about someone who is aroused by feces?
Prof: that’s not so common but I believe they call those people coprophiliacs.
Student: Wow, you know a lot. Ok, what about me? I’m aroused by sticking my junk into a bag of cashews. What would you call me?
Prof: well I’d say you’re fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcvs95/a_student_in_a_psych_class_is_asking_his/
%
I’m reading a horror book in Braille.

Something terrible’s about to happen. I can feel it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcvrp1/im_reading_a_horror_book_in_braille/
%
Just heard that the mafia hired a mime to do their dity work.

You ask why.
Because they don't say a word when questioned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcvo2s/just_heard_that_the_mafia_hired_a_mime_to_do/
%
Fun fact, I actually got a BJ before I had my first kiss.

Yes, I'm that flexible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcvcqw/fun_fact_i_actually_got_a_bj_before_i_had_my/
%
A man got caught stealing a calendar

He got 12 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcvaep/a_man_got_caught_stealing_a_calendar/
%
Ever heard of the show naked and afraid?

Kinda reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcv8ex/ever_heard_of_the_show_naked_and_afraid/
%
If Kanye West and Kim Kardashian both caught on fire in your gym and you only had ONE bucket of water.....

.... would you squat or deadlift first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcv8em/if_kanye_west_and_kim_kardashian_both_caught_on/
%
I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something horrible is about to happen...

I can feel it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcv8c4/im_reading_a_horror_story_in_braille_something/
%
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.

Too bad he doesn’t cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcv7kd/chuck_norris_tears_can_cure_you_of_the_coronavirus/
%
A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together

The little girl looks down at the boy and says, “Can I touch it?”. The little boy looks back at her and says, “Hell no, you already broke yours off!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcv2yk/a_little_boy_and_a_little_girl_are_taking_a_bath/
%
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..

“Made in China”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcut5z/with_corona_virus_spreading_i_never_thought_our/
%
I thought I'd make a science joke at the physicist's funeral.

But I came in with the wrong energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcush3/i_thought_id_make_a_science_joke_at_the/
%
Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”
Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”
Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he touched my breast.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: “Yes father.
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”
Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “But father he had AIDS!”
Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcumyy/girl_forgive_me_father_for_i_have_sinned/
%
What do fishermen do in their free time?

They master bait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcumxv/what_do_fishermen_do_in_their_free_time/
%
What do you call someone without a body and a nose?

Nobody knows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcummy/what_do_you_call_someone_without_a_body_and_a_nose/
%
So I added a famous person on xbox

A while back I added Paul Walker the actor famous for the fast an the furious franchise as a friend on my xbox an all he does is spend all of his time on the dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcum60/so_i_added_a_famous_person_on_xbox/
%
TIL there are over 20,000 battered women in the U.S. everyday...

I don't know if I can ever go back to eating them plain...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcukpk/til_there_are_over_20000_battered_women_in_the_us/
%
The other day in a book store I saw one that was called “How to live with 5$”

It costed 8.50$

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcuicy/the_other_day_in_a_book_store_i_saw_one_that_was/
%
A man wakes up one morning and finds a gorilla on his roof.

So he searched the internet and sure enough, there's an advert for "Gorilla Catchers". He calls the number, and the gorilla catcher, Bobby, says he will be over in 30 minutes.
Bobby arrives within 30 minutes and gets out of his van. He's got a LADDER, a BASEBALL BAT, a SHOTGUN and a HUGE DOG.
"What are you going to do?" the house owner asks.
Bobby goes on to explain, "l'm going to put this LADDER up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this BASEBALL BAT.
When the gorilla falls off, the DOG is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and not bite it off but just get a firm grip.
The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
Bobby then hands the shotgun to the house owner.
"And what is this shotgun for?"asks the house owner, rather nervously.
Bobby replies,"Now listen carefully...this is very important: If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, SHOOT THE DOG IMMEDIATELY!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcugri/a_man_wakes_up_one_morning_and_finds_a_gorilla_on/
%
How do you grill a vegetable?

First you have to find a barbecue big enough for the wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcug90/how_do_you_grill_a_vegetable/
%
I have the best debts in the world!

Every single one of them is Outstanding!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcuf11/i_have_the_best_debts_in_the_world/
%
Coronavirus

I went into the pharmacy yesterday and asked the assistant 'What gets rid of Coronavirus?'.
She said 'Ammonia cleaner'.
I said 'I'm sorry, I thought you worked here'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcuebl/coronavirus/
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I am a fucking idiot

Oh, wait.
*ahem*
I don’t vaccinate my children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcuasz/i_am_a_fucking_idiot/
%
[NSFW] A teenager walks in on his dad having oral sex with his mother. His dad is so shocked that he doesn’t say anything

The boy says : “Cat got your tongue?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcu99g/nsfw_a_teenager_walks_in_on_his_dad_having_oral/
%
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcu35r/my_wife_was_standing_in_the_kitchen_preparing_our/
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Why did the founder of Reddit, Alexis Ohanian, get married to the tennis superstar Serena Williams?

Redditors are always looking for better servers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcu2wh/why_did_the_founder_of_reddit_alexis_ohanian_get/
%
My girlfriend told me that a small penis isn't an issue

I still wish she didn't have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcu14x/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_a_small_penis_isnt_an/
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A couple are talking to eachother about the new neighbors. "Arent you upset about her always sunbathing nude in her back yard?" Says the wife.

"Im not sure, I'm sort of on the fence" says the husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fctzg4/a_couple_are_talking_to_eachother_about_the_new/
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To break the ice before a lab, we were told to tell our assigned groups the chemical element that represents us...

Sally said Helium because she's carefree and doesn't react to much. John said Potassium cause he loves to bring his energy into things and he's not keen on baths. Mary said Iron because she's malleable and likes to support everyone.
I said Uranium because I'm dense, unstable, and toxic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fctzcc/to_break_the_ice_before_a_lab_we_were_told_to/
%
I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today

He said, "Get your own"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fctz1o/i_tried_to_share_a_sandwich_with_a_homeless_guy/
%
“There once was a priest from Illinois,

Who liked to touch all the boys.
He ran from the co..”
“God damnit Bob the ‘s’ in Illinois is silent, so your fuckin joke doesn’t rhyme and the shit ain’t funny”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fctxlz/there_once_was_a_priest_from_illinois/
%
A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action.
The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband confused, asked, “What are you doing taking all your night clothes off?”
The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.
The husband said, “No, not at all.”
Then the wife asked, “Well what the hell were you doing then?”
To which the husband replied, “I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fctn3b/a_married_couple_were_lying_in_bed_one_night_the/
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I got into a huge fight with my husband, who was a star war fanatic.

"May divorce be with you. " he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fctlhb/i_got_into_a_huge_fight_with_my_husband_who_was_a/
%
Credit to u/Draiu

John got a job at the local prison. On his first day, he saw a large, muscular man cranking a shaft inside of his cell. He turned to one of his fellow guards and asked, “Who’s that guy?”, referring to the man cranking the shaft.
“That’s Khan Drea. He’s in here for life, but the warden decided to give ol’ Khan here extra liberties for cranking that shaft,” explained the guard.
“Ah, that makes sense,” John replied, “but what does the shaft do?”
“I don’t know, you should ask the warden, I never thought much of it.” was the answer he got back.
Later, on break, John entered the warden’s office.
“Sorry sir, I just want to know about the deal you made with Mr. Drea,” John apologized.
The warden looked at John for a minute before answering.
“You see, John, I give Khan extra liberties for cranking that shaft, as you may already know. However, you’re probably wondering what that crank does. It’s simple, really. The state wants us to go green so we’re starting by producing our own green energy. Khan is the first step to achieving that goal.”
“Oh, I get it now!” John exclaimed, “The might o’ Khan Drea is the powerhouse of the cell block!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcthh8/credit_to_udraiu/
%
What is the most common job amongst spiders?

web designer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fctf6z/what_is_the_most_common_job_amongst_spiders/
%
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fctevw/me_would_you_like_to_be_the_sun_in_my_life/
%
A teacher notices a kid not paying attention, points at him and asks him to name two pronouns

Who? Me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcter3/a_teacher_notices_a_kid_not_paying_attention/
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Boy stays off the radar

Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good! *Walks away*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcteb8/boy_stays_off_the_radar/
%
So I was in the supermarket this morning and I had an accident when all the Omega-3 feel on me

I'm ok, the manager assured me my injuries where Super fish oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcte8r/so_i_was_in_the_supermarket_this_morning_and_i/
%
So there is this one time when a rich man came accross a poor man in a stall on xmas.

The poor man asked, "so what present are you gonna give your wife this year?"
To which the rich man responded, "a diamond ring and a lamborghini."
"why those two things?" asked the poor man in confusion.
"Well, because if she doesn't like the ring, she can use the lamborghini to drive her way to the jewel store and sell it."
"What present is it gonna be for your wife?" asked the rich man out of curiosity.
"Hmmm.... A pair of slippers and a dildo from me." the poor man candidly responded.
"why those two things?" as the rich man was confused.
"because... If she doesn't like the slippers, she can use the dildo to fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fctd21/so_there_is_this_one_time_when_a_rich_man_came/
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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed

When we broke up she went fucking bananas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fctalp/my_ex_girlfriend_used_to_have_sex_with_fruit/
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What do you call a child born in a whorehouse?

A Brothel Sprout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fct8pi/what_do_you_call_a_child_born_in_a_whorehouse/
%
Knock, knock!

Who's there?
Owl.
Owl who?
Who!... Who!.... Who!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fct7kv/knock_knock/
%
What do you call it when Wonder Woman breaks wind?

An invisible "jet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcsu8j/what_do_you_call_it_when_wonder_woman_breaks_wind/
%
If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted
Corpses are decrypted
Cowboys are deranged
Models are deposed
Underwear models are debriefed
Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted
Jilted women are debrided
HVAC technicians are deducted
Tennis linemen are defaulted
Florists are deflowered
Students are detested
Hostels are debunked
Spies are debugged and detailed
Corporations are deformed and delimited
Celibate people are delayed
Chauffeurs are derided
Record keepers are described
Plumbers are dethroned
Clerks are defiled
Traffic cops are defined
Naturists are denuded
Election officials are devoted
Accountants are decertified
Builders are deconstructed
Confused people are demystified
Intelligence officials are declassified
Interpreters for the deaf are designed
Road builders are degraded
Waiters are deserved
Horses put out to stud are desired
Castles are demoted
Organ donors are delivered
Anything certain is depending
And if you found this funny, you're probably demented, defective and in denial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcsjhw/if_lawyers_are_disbarred_and_priests_are/
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Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex

My ex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcsid0/guess_who_just_woke_up_to_19_missed_calls_and_30/
%
A pirate's prosthetic breast would be nice...

...Wooden tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcsdij/a_pirates_prosthetic_breast_would_be_nice/
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I like the way you are thinking

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcsdgi/i_like_the_way_you_are_thinking/
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My girlfriend is the square root of -100

A solid 10 but still imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcsajj/my_girlfriend_is_the_square_root_of_100/
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3 people went to heaven

(My mom told me this one when I was little, pretty sure it might be from somewhere else but hopefully at least not on this sub.)
3 people went to heaven, in front of them was a god.
God says "each of you must run down this cloudy road and scream what you want to be reincarnated as for your next life".
So the first person ran down the cloudy road and screamed "PEGASUS", he turned into a pegasus and flew away.
The second ran down the cloudy road and screamed "UNICORN", she turned into a unicorn and ran away.
The 3rd person thought for a long time while running but he accidentally trips and proceeded to yell "SHIT".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcsa9n/3_people_went_to_heaven/
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Hi there! Or as they say in Japan

HIYA!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcs654/hi_there_or_as_they_say_in_japan/
%
My gay friend told me he was rich and I did not believe him. But when I went to his house, I was blown...

... for like 20 minutes straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcs235/my_gay_friend_told_me_he_was_rich_and_i_did_not/
%
The Corona virus meets the Ebola virus. They start dating. One thing leads to another and the Corona virus bangs the Ebola virus.

Nine months later the Corolla virus is born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcrz1v/the_corona_virus_meets_the_ebola_virus_they_start/
%
Three peanuts are walking down the street...

One was assaulted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcry9c/three_peanuts_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
Daddy, am I allowed to go for a Bungee-Jump?

No way son! Your life began with a broken rubber. It shall not end the same way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcrwxk/daddy_am_i_allowed_to_go_for_a_bungeejump/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcrvdm/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
You know a great mind blowing game

Russian roulette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcrv69/you_know_a_great_mind_blowing_game/
%
What is Japanese ghosts' favorite sex fetish?

Bookakke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcrqt1/what_is_japanese_ghosts_favorite_sex_fetish/
%
How do sheep keep secrets?

They use bahhh-codes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcrl3d/how_do_sheep_keep_secrets/
%
Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.

Like no bell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcrero/whoever_invented_the_knock_knock_joke_should_get/
%
Why is -1 the best number?

It's second to none

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcr6x3/why_is_1_the_best_number/
%
If Google maps asks me to rate the Sun

It is not going to get more than "1-star"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcr4sg/if_google_maps_asks_me_to_rate_the_sun/
%
Hameed the good lad

Once upon a time, a small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!" One day, his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career. The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that school. she even shifted to another city.
25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful. When she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling at her. Being under the effect of anesthesia, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which suddenly started turning blue. She was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but unfortunately died before she could. The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened till he turned back and saw our friend Hameed working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner.
If you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor, it's because you have been watching too many movies or have been reading too many motivational books.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcqys9/hameed_the_good_lad/
%
Back in the days we had to cough to hide our farts....

These days we have to fart to hide our coughs.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcqlld/back_in_the_days_we_had_to_cough_to_hide_our_farts/
%
A chemist robbed a bank and got away.

Maybe if the guards had scandium before he left, the money would have benzene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcqisj/a_chemist_robbed_a_bank_and_got_away/
%
what do you call a piece of wood doing nothing?

board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcqcqh/what_do_you_call_a_piece_of_wood_doing_nothing/
%
The laziest person award

There was an award ceremony for the laziest person in the world. Many lazy people came to the award show but nobody among them was awarded. Turns out the laziest person was too lazy to attend the award show.
So they went to the laziest persons house to give him the award in person. He was not in the house but on top of a tree. People were surprised as how the laziest person wasn’t lazy to get on top of tree.
They put on a ladder and went to top to interview him. They asked him “you’re so lazy but how come you climbed the whole tree?”. he said “i didn’t know there was a seed where i was sitting”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcqcqk/the_laziest_person_award/
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Her: You have such great skin!

Him: Yes, I have epicthelials!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcq9xs/her_you_have_such_great_skin/
%
Heavenly Clocks

John arrived at the gates to Heaven, and was greeted there by Saint Peter. Saint Peter tells John: “This is a pretty big place, let me take you on a tour of Heaven”. After a while, John asks: “What are all these clocks hanging everywhere?”. Saint Peter tells him that every person that ever lived has a clock. When they tell a lie, the clock’s minute hand moves on by one minute. “As you can see”, says Saint Peter, “Princess Diana’s clock has only moved twice, meaning she has only lied twice. And Mother Teresa’s clock is full of dust, it has never moved, because she has never lied.” “Where is Donald Trump’s clock, then?” Asks John. Saint Peter answers him: “It’s there in Jesus’s office, he uses it as a ceiling fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcq2y5/heavenly_clocks/
%
Why doesn’t KFC have toilet paper?

Because it’s finger licking good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcpz63/why_doesnt_kfc_have_toilet_paper/
%
I accidentially ran over Schrodinger's cat.

Not sure if I should feel guilty or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcpvns/i_accidentially_ran_over_schrodingers_cat/
%
Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking

. Was scared at that very moment but then immediately got down from the driving seat and sat on the back seat.
After few mins. an officer came and asked me to move my car ahead for alcohol test.
I said: "My driver ran away seeing you."
He said: "Then you move your car ahead for the checking."
I said: "No sir, as a true  citizen I should not drive, drunk."
Officer looked at me, got emotional and applauded me for my responsible behaviour..
He sent one constable with me to drive my car home.
Sometimes you become genius after drinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcptua/last_night_i_was_returning_from_a_party_i_was/
%
I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician

And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcpjzw/i_have_a_russian_friend_whos_a_sound_technician/
%
I used to burn ants with a magnifying glass.

But now I'm focusing on something else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcpg6y/i_used_to_burn_ants_with_a_magnifying_glass/
%
What is green and fuzzy, and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcp8k0/what_is_green_and_fuzzy_and_could_kill_you_if_it/
%
My girlfriend said I remind her of a technology company.

I said I must be the Apple of your eye.
She said no it’s just that your penis is micro and soft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcp40z/my_girlfriend_said_i_remind_her_of_a_technology/
%
A Muslim calls the Islamic hotline

"How can I help you?"
"I'm feeling a little suicidal"
"Great! Can you fly a plane?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcp2mh/a_muslim_calls_the_islamic_hotline/
%
Knock knock...

Who’s there?
Hike.
Hike who?
Warm midnight falling.
Stars shining, dancing brightly.
Peaceful all at once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcosb9/knock_knock/
%
Where’s Mario’s favorite place to go on vacation?

Oahu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcoqz4/wheres_marios_favorite_place_to_go_on_vacation/
%
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcoq4k/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_guys_sitting_on/
%
I heard that heroin works as a male enhancement.

But I think that's poppycock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcobyr/i_heard_that_heroin_works_as_a_male_enhancement/
%
Watching the news, a friend turned to me and said "Buttigieg's out."

I was like, "Buttigieg's been out for a long time..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fco6l8/watching_the_news_a_friend_turned_to_me_and_said/
%
What's the best thing about fingering a psychic on her period.

You get your palm Red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fco6g7/whats_the_best_thing_about_fingering_a_psychic_on/
%
What did the man say when he ran over a deer with his car?

Fuck.
You were expecting "Oh deer" weren't you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fco579/what_did_the_man_say_when_he_ran_over_a_deer_with/
%
If I had a dog I would name it stain

So whenever I would call for it, I would yell “come stain!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fco4wr/if_i_had_a_dog_i_would_name_it_stain/
%
I don't understand why people say giving cats baths is hard.

I was really enjoying it.
He was too.
Worst part was the fur in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fco2v0/i_dont_understand_why_people_say_giving_cats/
%
Scandinavians needed a way to withstand the cold

So they evolved to be incredibly hot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcnx2s/scandinavians_needed_a_way_to_withstand_the_cold/
%
What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcnjm9/what_do_a_woman_and_a_bar_have_in_common/
%
My wife wanted to try a new technique in bed called "the Gordon Ramsay"

It's fucking raw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcnh2q/my_wife_wanted_to_try_a_new_technique_in_bed/
%
How to Sell a Toothbrush

The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes.
He replied “It’s easy” and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top.
He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers. Then he laid out his chips and dip.
His boss said, “That’s a very innovative approach” and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth.
“Yuck, this tastes terrible!” his boss yelled.
The salesman replied “IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcng3z/how_to_sell_a_toothbrush/
%
I can't stand bass players

They're always starting everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcndls/i_cant_stand_bass_players/
%
How many people with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcn8eq/how_many_people_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change/
%
I walked past a woman in the club who was dancing on the table.

She was at least 300lb.
I said "those are some strong legs!"
She smiled and said "Thanks!"
I said "I was talking about the table."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcn1ac/i_walked_past_a_woman_in_the_club_who_was_dancing/
%
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street and walked into a bar

My life is a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcmznt/yesterday_i_changed_a_light_bulb_crossed_the/
%
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcmh24/a_man_in_an_interrogation_room_says_im_not_saying/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but I've no idea how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcmg8i/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says:

"I don't know how to drive this thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcmeql/two_fish_are_in_a_tank_one_turns_to_the_other_and/
%
Why shouldn't you mess with a paleontologist?

Because you'll get jurrasskicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcmcne/why_shouldnt_you_mess_with_a_paleontologist/
%
Why do blondes like BMW and GMCs?

They can spell it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcm65f/why_do_blondes_like_bmw_and_gmcs/
%
What’s the difference between a penis and a dick?

One is an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcm570/whats_the_difference_between_a_penis_and_a_dick/
%
Little Johnny was a notoriously bad speller

He would always misspell words and just write them the way they sounded to a young child's ear. This was particularly embarrassing to his father, whose boss would always brag how clever his own son, Pete was.
One evening, the boss visited Little Johnny's house for dinner, bringing little Pete as well. Little Pete showed Johnny's father his perfectly-done maths homework, his 1000-word English essay, and his science report, and Johnny's dad was noticeably impressed at Pete's academic ability. Next, Little Johnny volunteered to show his schoolwork to his dad's boss. Johnny's dad sunk into his chair, preparing to be embarrassed at Johnny's exaggerated, childish misspellings. But his boss was in fact  quite impressed.
'Good Lord!' exclaimed the boss 'Your son is a genius!'
'A... genius?' asked Johnny's dad
'Well he's only in year five, and he's already fluent in Dutch!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcm4mt/little_johnny_was_a_notoriously_bad_speller/
%
There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole,

Which is also known as avocado’s number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fclosc/there_are_602x1023_guacas_in_a_guacamole/
%
I just shot a donkey

Deadass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fclinw/i_just_shot_a_donkey/
%
Everybody knows that wizards can see dementors and muggles can’t, but what can muggles see that wizards can’t?

Whatever’s *behind* the dementor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcl339/everybody_knows_that_wizards_can_see_dementors/
%
Did you hear about the large breasted magician?

Ta-tas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcl1fx/did_you_hear_about_the_large_breasted_magician/
%
I was confused as to why my neighbor started selling empty perfume bottles...

It made no scents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcl0do/i_was_confused_as_to_why_my_neighbor_started/
%
A lawyer walks into the doctor's with a frog on his head...

...The doctor says, "That's a nasty looking growth you've got there."
"I'll say." The frog replies. "It started out as a pimple on my arse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fckwe4/a_lawyer_walks_into_the_doctors_with_a_frog_on/
%
What's the difference between a warm sweet potato and a thrown pig?

One is a heated yam, the other is a yeeted ham.
I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fckm1u/whats_the_difference_between_a_warm_sweet_potato/
%
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.
“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said: “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I’m a hooker.”
“No problem,” said her husband. “Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fckkas/on_their_honeymoon_the_new_husband_told_his_bride/
%
I know a joke about prostitutes...

But they've all been done before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fckioz/i_know_a_joke_about_prostitutes/
%
Playgrounds are a great place to meet chicks.

Their moms, too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fckij5/playgrounds_are_a_great_place_to_meet_chicks/
%
Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fck8j1/gentlemen_there_are_three_simple_rules_to_winning/
%
I used to have a job as a fluffer

But I sucked at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fck6s9/i_used_to_have_a_job_as_a_fluffer/
%
The hotel walls were so thin you could...

hear the people next door changing their minds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fck0ml/the_hotel_walls_were_so_thin_you_could/
%
So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcjq8m/so_god_creates_adam/
%
What's the most illegal thing you've ever done?

\-So you know those signs that say "No Trespassing"?
\-Yeah
\-Well, I fucked the dead dear behind it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcjpct/whats_the_most_illegal_thing_youve_ever_done/
%
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcj28h/what_did_the_atlantic_ocean_say_to_the_pacific/
%
The cold January Month is making life difficult for the couple

The German wife says "I so desperately wish for April"
The Husband though thoughtful of their economic toils consoles her and says he'll try everything he can.
The husband comes home gaily one day and proclaims "Here's your Pril"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcj1mr/the_cold_january_month_is_making_life_difficult/
%
A man goes to the doctor...

...with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fciia0/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
A Neutrino Walks Into A Bar

A neutrino walks into a bar, and the barman says, "What can I get you?"
"Nothing, I'm just passing through."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcicyt/a_neutrino_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My next girlfriend has to be a skier

They actually get excited for 4-6 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fci54p/my_next_girlfriend_has_to_be_a_skier/
%
I started dating a feminist and she asked to be treated like a treat my male friends on our next date.

Hell yah,
Best of 5 Smash Bros. Ultimate
EVO ruleset
Loser gets fucked in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fci4pk/i_started_dating_a_feminist_and_she_asked_to_be/
%
Did you know piranhas can kill a child in 30 seconds?

Unrelated topic: I was fired from the aquarium today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fchz1l/did_you_know_piranhas_can_kill_a_child_in_30/
%
How do you turn a spoon into a fork?

Open up the drawers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fchkpp/how_do_you_turn_a_spoon_into_a_fork/
%
Gus the Accountant

Gus has been doing accountancy for like 35 years and he's sick of it.
So Gus decides he wants some adventure in his life, so he's going to become a prospector.
Everyday he studies geology, he learns how to drive a big truck and operate an excavator and he starts selling up everything he owns to become a prospector.
So finally the day arrives when Gus can leave his job as an accountant and be a prospector instead.
Off he goes and the first year he finds two gold nuggets and a diamond.
Second year he finds like three gold nuggets and a half a ruby.
Third year he's not finding shit and he's thinking about going back to accountancy.
So he say's that's it. one last week and then it's the last day and he's wandering around in the snow trying to remember accounting and he falls into a crevasse and he hurts himself and he lies there for a while.
Then he stands up and he looks around and the crevasse is kilometers long.  Then he notices that all the rocks are precious metal ore bearing.
Gus ejaculates in his pants, because he has a giant ore chasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fchilg/gus_the_accountant/
%
What math do Norse gods use?

Frigganometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fchcin/what_math_do_norse_gods_use/
%
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night

Not Happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fch8wb/i_was_mugged_by_6_dwarves_last_night/
%
I just started a short book on the history of luminance.

It's a little light reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fch79a/i_just_started_a_short_book_on_the_history_of/
%
Told to me by my five year old (she insists it's original)

My daughter, after inspecting the cupcake she decorated:
"What do you call a baby bear that doesn't have its teeth yet?"
"A gummy bear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fch74c/told_to_me_by_my_five_year_old_she_insists_its/
%
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcgrz7/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_mailmen/
%
What do you do with a dead Chemist?

You Barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcgm8z/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
%
Why do schizophrenic foreigners always get confused with the Israel-Palestine conflict?

Because they never know what is real and what is not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcgm4n/why_do_schizophrenic_foreigners_always_get/
%
I threw a boomerang a few years ago and it never came back

Now I live in constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcgj4v/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago_and_it_never/
%
All my relationships were like communism..

They never succeeded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcgizh/all_my_relationships_were_like_communism/
%
My friend recently told me a joke about helium

He he he

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcgea1/my_friend_recently_told_me_a_joke_about_helium/
%
Why was it difficult to write on papyrus?

Because it was reed only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcgbl8/why_was_it_difficult_to_write_on_papyrus/
%
Whats the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcg4q0/whats_the_worst_time_to_have_a_heart_attack/
%
You will never truly know dissapointment

Until you run into a wall with a boner and your nose breaks first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcfxyl/you_will_never_truly_know_dissapointment/
%
Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire
Stone age begins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcfvsu/caveman_discovers_weed/
%
A female crab sees a male crab walking in a straight line

Amazed by the crab's rare gait, she is smitten.
She asks him to marry her, and he happily agrees.
The next day, she notices that he is walking normally in a zigzag pattern.
She is shocked. She asks him why he is walking in this manner now.
He replies, "Baby, I can't be that drunk always, can I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcfu1s/a_female_crab_sees_a_male_crab_walking_in_a/
%
A man with five penises goes to the doctor

The doctor asks “How’s the condom fitting?”
The man goes “Like a glove doc, like a glove.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcfpwb/a_man_with_five_penises_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
How do farmers count their cows?

With a cowculator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcfo2c/how_do_farmers_count_their_cows/
%
I saw an Indian woman the other day. I said, "Nice robe."

She said, "It's not a robe."
I was like, "Woah, sari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcfm6v/i_saw_an_indian_woman_the_other_day_i_said_nice/
%
A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes.

"It's worthless" her father says
"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcfhl1/a_daughter_shows_her_banker_father_her_work_on/
%
what did the skeleton say to his enemy

I've got a *bone* to pick with you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcffra/what_did_the_skeleton_say_to_his_enemy/
%
What happens when you eat a bat and get bit by a tick at the same time?

That’s when the corona gets its lyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcff33/what_happens_when_you_eat_a_bat_and_get_bit_by_a/
%
Why do french people only eat one egg at breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcf5t8/why_do_french_people_only_eat_one_egg_at_breakfast/
%
A man is having a talk with his son about sex. He says "Sex could be compared with a lot of things, son. For example, sex is a lot like riding a bike."

His son was confused, but intrigued. He asked his father, "And how exactly is sex like riding a bike?"
The man smiled and replied, "Well son, there are several ways.
It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try it. There is special clothing for it, but only if you're really invested in it. It's important to wear protective headgear when going into unfamiliar territory. And you can't forget the most crucial comparison:
Once you've learned how to do it, you'll never forget how."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcf4gt/a_man_is_having_a_talk_with_his_son_about_sex_he/
%
A cowherd counted 48 cows on his property in the morning.

When he rounded them up, he had 50.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcf31j/a_cowherd_counted_48_cows_on_his_property_in_the/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcf0eo/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.

A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, “and tigger?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcevt0/my_son_asked_me_where_pooh_came_from_i_was_a/
%
What's the difference between an incel and an egg?

An egg gets laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fceuw9/whats_the_difference_between_an_incel_and_an_egg/
%
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying a series of old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in t

The head monk said: “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
“The word is ‘celebrate’,” said the head monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcejef/a_new_monk_arrived_at_the_monastery_he_was/
%
What do you call it when you get a boner at a funeral?

Mourning Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fceikj/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_a_boner_at_a/
%
A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said: “Do you know who I am?”
The man replied: “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked: “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied: “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fceibz/a_few_minutes_before_the_church_service_started/
%
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner

"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fce8ff/a_zombie_is_trying_to_get_his_kid_to_eat_their/
%
How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. The light bulb, with the rest of the world, is already screwed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcdztx/how_many_pessimists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
How many people with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcdw7r/how_many_people_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Bought a new satnav its called a U2.

Its crap, the streets have no name and I still cant find what I'm looking for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcdv1l/bought_a_new_satnav_its_called_a_u2/
%
Johnny and mary at bible school

So mary and johnny are at bible school and mary has a habit of falling asleep. When this happens johnny pokes her with his pencil to wake her up.
After the teacher asks a few questions mary falls asleep and the teacher says who is our lord and savior. Johnny pokes mary with his pencil and she scream dear God.
The teacher commends her and moves on. A little while later it happens but this time the teacher asked who died on the cross for our sins and so when johnny pokes her with his pencil she jumps up and screams Jesus Christ.
Finally mary puts her head down and tries to sleep for a final time when the teacher asks what did eve say to Adam after their 23rd child. Johnny pokes mary with his pencil mary jumps up and screams. If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll fucking break it in half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcdmlr/johnny_and_mary_at_bible_school/
%
My son deystroyed my new iphone 11 but i am still giving it away

It is a 8 year old nice looking boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcdaf7/my_son_deystroyed_my_new_iphone_11_but_i_am_still/
%
In a psychiatric hospital it is time to check whether any patient is ready to be sent home.

As part of a test the doctors put a car in the test room and observe what patients are gonna do. Everyone jumps in the car and behave as if they are driving, except for one person. This guy remains calm in his sit and starts laughing at others. The doctors think he has definitely recovered. So, they go to him and ask him:
\- "Why aren't you driving the car with your friends?"
He replies:
\- "My friends are crazy, they are driving a switched off car."
One doctor becomes curious and asks him:
\- "How do you know the car is switched off"
He replies:
\- "Cause the keys are in my pocket"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcd70w/in_a_psychiatric_hospital_it_is_time_to_check/
%
A termite walks into a bar

He asks: “Is the bar tender here?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcd1vd/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two cattle are standing in a field

One says to the other, "I'm getting awfully worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around, what about you?"
The other replies, ***"You wanna say that my face, you fucking piece of shit?!"***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fccpl2/two_cattle_are_standing_in_a_field/
%
What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Brontosoreass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcces3/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
Roses are red, Violets are blue,

Pornhub is down,
Your mom's facebook will do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcc9xg/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
Today, I discovered what DNA stands for.

National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcc7gx/today_i_discovered_what_dna_stands_for/
%
What does a robot do after sex?

Nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcc4bo/what_does_a_robot_do_after_sex/
%
I surveyed few women and asked them what shampoo were they using.

Their reply mostly was "how the fuck did you get in here" coming out of their showers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcc2wz/i_surveyed_few_women_and_asked_them_what_shampoo/
%
Saw a homeless woman and asked if I can take her home. She said yes

So I took her cardboard box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcc29p/saw_a_homeless_woman_and_asked_if_i_can_take_her/
%
What do condoms and phone cameras have in common?

They both capture the moment!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcc1vh/what_do_condoms_and_phone_cameras_have_in_common/
%
Why do Uber drivers skip the gym ?

Because they don't even Lyft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcbdws/why_do_uber_drivers_skip_the_gym/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcbau6/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
What do Pringles and Xanax have in common?

Once you pop, you can't stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcbaas/what_do_pringles_and_xanax_have_in_common/
%
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcb9cl/what_do_you_call_a_lazy_baby_kangaroo/
%
Why did the farmer take his milk to the church?

Because it needed to be pastor-ized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcb7r1/why_did_the_farmer_take_his_milk_to_the_church/
%
Why did the irishman build his pub on top of a skyscraper?

Because he wanted to raise the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcb7c4/why_did_the_irishman_build_his_pub_on_top_of_a/
%
I wish I could be poor one day

I am tired of being poor everyday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcb4ha/i_wish_i_could_be_poor_one_day/
%
I tried telling a chemistry joke once

But i got no reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcb01a/i_tried_telling_a_chemistry_joke_once/
%
Euro-English

As a part of Brexit negotiations, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will remain the official language of the European Union rather than German, which has been regarded by many as a better choice.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fcahjz/euroenglish/
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What does the vegetarian cannibal eat?

Disabled people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fca9t6/what_does_the_vegetarian_cannibal_eat/
%
Enough with the gay jokes.

Come on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fca5zx/enough_with_the_gay_jokes/
%
Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs

...like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fca278/problem_with_pay_equality_is_that_men_tend_to_go/
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drunken man stumbles out of a bar and, gets on the greyhound late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts,

"Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc9vmy/drunken_man_stumbles_out_of_a_bar_and_gets_on_the/
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The real reason why women don’t like men under 6 feet

Is because it’s hard to have a conversation with the dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc9v5v/the_real_reason_why_women_dont_like_men_under_6/
%
Can you show me a book on how to commit Suicide?

"No" - Librarian "Why?" - Man "You won't bring it back" - Librarian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc9mvt/can_you_show_me_a_book_on_how_to_commit_suicide/
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just wanted to see your panties

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc9lyb/just_wanted_to_see_your_panties/
%
What did the microwave say to the food

MmMmMMmmmmMmmmmmmMmmMMmm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc9lq9/what_did_the_microwave_say_to_the_food/
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How do you weigh a whale?

You go to the whale-weigh station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc9kf4/how_do_you_weigh_a_whale/
%
How do you become a winner and champion in Meat Shooting Competition?

By learning from your missed steaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc9if0/how_do_you_become_a_winner_and_champion_in_meat/
%
Hitler May have ended lots of lives

But at least he put a stop to Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc9e5h/hitler_may_have_ended_lots_of_lives/
%
I worked at a deodorant factory once

Until they canned my job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc95uo/i_worked_at_a_deodorant_factory_once/
%
What’s E.T short for?

...He’s only got little legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc930p/whats_et_short_for/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandad

Not screaming like the passengers in his car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc8wjo/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
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A group of elders meet in a restaurant every 10 years for a reunion.

When they're 60 Years old they say, let's go to "The Southern Merchant", because the food there is really good.
When they're 70 Years old they say, let's go to "The Southern Merchant", because the waitress is cute.
When they're 80 years old they say, let's go to "The Southern Merchant", because the toilet and the restaurant are on the same floor.
When they're 90 years old they say, let's go to "The Southern Merchant", because we've never been there before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc8w8m/a_group_of_elders_meet_in_a_restaurant_every_10/
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I think my wife is dead.

Well the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc8v1j/i_think_my_wife_is_dead/
%
¡ʎɐqǝ ƃuᴉʞɔnℲ

˙sʞɔns ʎlǝʇnlosqɐ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ʍǝu sᴉɥ┴

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc8te3/ʎɐqǝ_ƃuᴉʞɔnⅎ/
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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What's up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??
When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pissed and spoiled his underwear.
Then you said:
- Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.
So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
Thanks for the silver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc8r6d/a_wife_took_a_dna_test_for_her_kid/
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It has been 30 years

Yet my kidneys haven't grown into adultneys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc8oxf/it_has_been_30_years/
%
My friend with amnesia asked me why people didn't like him

I told him that he was always rude to people that were just trying to help, to which he responded:
"I don't remember asking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc8kg7/my_friend_with_amnesia_asked_me_why_people_didnt/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc8fa2/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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Why does santa claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc89re/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
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What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc892y/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
%
Trump walks into a bar

and lowers it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc88hg/trump_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My favorite sex position is called "WOW"...

Its where I flip your MOM over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc82jm/my_favorite_sex_position_is_called_wow/
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Gandhi

Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.
I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc7fqq/gandhi/
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How many kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously more than 9, my basements still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc7f1l/how_many_kids_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Coz i put on the wrong sock today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc7du0/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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Husband and wife...

After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. “He fought with me again! I’m coming over to live with you.”
To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. He must pay for his mistake. I’m coming to live with you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc7bwe/husband_and_wife/
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I saw the actress who is in Cougartown and Freeks and Geeks at a store today. I shouted at her to ask her name but she continued what she was doing and left quickly after that

I guess she was busy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc7aff/i_saw_the_actress_who_is_in_cougartown_and_freeks/
%
Once saw a American Guy and said....

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc6z8u/once_saw_a_american_guy_and_said/
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Doctor: I have bad news and I have worse news. Patient: Well what’s the bad news? Doctor: You have one day left to live. Patient: What news could possibly be worse?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc6sgs/doctor_i_have_bad_news_and_i_have_worse_news/
%
What is reverse exorcism?

When the devil tells the priest to exit the child’s body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc6ntg/what_is_reverse_exorcism/
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How did the chicken go to the other side

He committed suicide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc6ij4/how_did_the_chicken_go_to_the_other_side/
%
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead find a cliff.

There is a sign that says “cliff of wishes, jump and say what you desire and you shall land in it”.
The brunette says “here goes nothing” and jumps. She says “money” and lands in a huge pile of $100 bills.
The redhead jumps and says “the power to fly” and she doesn’t hit the ground, but rather levitates off of it, then flies off into the distance.
This whole time, the blonde has been on her phone, walking. She misses the cliff and falls over the edge. Terrified, she yells “oh shit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc6hut/a_blond_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_find_a_cliff/
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Women call my brother ugly until they find out how much he makes

Then they call him ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc6h97/women_call_my_brother_ugly_until_they_find_out/
%
The other day, my wife told me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick

And she still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc6gwb/the_other_day_my_wife_told_me_to_pass_her/
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What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral

Nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc6ft2/what_did_kermit_the_frog_say_at_jim_hensons/
%
Three blondes came across some tracks in the woods.

The first blonde looked and said, “I think they’re deer tracks.”
The second blonde said, “nuh-uh, they’re moose tracks!”
The third blonde looked and said, “you’re both wrong, they’re cow tracks!”
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc67nz/three_blondes_came_across_some_tracks_in_the_woods/
%
Why do people support book burnings?

They think lit lit is lit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc64ji/why_do_people_support_book_burnings/
%
I was forced to make bread in exchange for information

It was knead to know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc5r4g/i_was_forced_to_make_bread_in_exchange_for/
%
Why did I divide sin by tan?

Just cos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc5r0k/why_did_i_divide_sin_by_tan/
%
Hell explained by a Chemistry student

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving . I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same! , the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc5ne2/hell_explained_by_a_chemistry_student/
%
Did you hear about the girl who hid drugs in her bra ?

Police said it led to a bigger bust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc5mh3/did_you_hear_about_the_girl_who_hid_drugs_in_her/
%
Starts with an F and end with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc5klz/starts_with_an_f_and_end_with_k/
%
A boy is sitting on the sidewalk smashing ants, yelling god damn ants every time, when

A priest walks up to him and asks him “what are you doing son?” The kid replies, “I’m killing these worthless god damn ants.” The priest than says to the kid, “God put all things on earth to have some sort of worth or value.” The kid stops and the Priest walks away.
5 minutes later a nun walks by and notices the boy smashing the ants, every time yelling,”God Damn Ants!” The nun then says to the boy, “God put those ants on earth for a reason.” The boy stops.
5 more minutes pass and the priest and Nun both come to confront the boy who is still killing ants. The priest says “You know that by killing these ants you are sinning.” The boy stops killing the ants and looks up at the Nun who states, “If you can name 3 things that are worthless we will forgive your sins.”
The boy replies with, “Balls on a pope, Tits on a Nun, and these god damn ants!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc5j6p/a_boy_is_sitting_on_the_sidewalk_smashing_ants/
%
I hate windy weather

It really blows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc5exl/i_hate_windy_weather/
%
A man in the USSR is sentenced to ten years in the gulag.

Upon his arrival, he is asked by another prisoner, “How did you get ten years?”
He responds, “I did nothing!”
The prisoner says to him, “Don’t lie to me now! Everyone knows that nothing gets you five years!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc5ch8/a_man_in_the_ussr_is_sentenced_to_ten_years_in/
%
Ready for a COVID-19 Silver Lining?

I might actually get social security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc584n/ready_for_a_covid19_silver_lining/
%
World War 2 jokes are pretty offensive to me.

I've always been pretty sensitive to WWII jokes because my grandpa died in Auschwitz.
The poor bastard fell out of a watchtower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc52n2/world_war_2_jokes_are_pretty_offensive_to_me/
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A woman asks her husband...

A woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?" The husband replies, "I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "Well, what do think of me now?" To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc4zet/a_woman_asks_her_husband/
%
Why did the cannibal throw the disabled kid in a tub of hot water

Coz vegetables taste better when they’re boiled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc4z0w/why_did_the_cannibal_throw_the_disabled_kid_in_a/
%
What's the best place to get Italian food in the ocean?

The Marinara trench

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc4yb7/whats_the_best_place_to_get_italian_food_in_the/
%
How many children does it take to change a lightbulb....

Obviously more than 9 because my basement is still dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc4w2q/how_many_children_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Of all the dating sites I've tried, I found the most success on Google.

I just typed in "single girls" and got 49 million matches!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc4ml4/of_all_the_dating_sites_ive_tried_i_found_the/
%
I asked a Buddhist what was the easiest way to get a lot of good karma.

He told me all it takes is a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc4kgd/i_asked_a_buddhist_what_was_the_easiest_way_to/
%
A man asks for a beer in a deep bass voice...

...the bartender, in an equally deep voice, says, "Here you go."
I moment later, a man next to him says, in a high, squeaky voice, "I'll have a beer, too."
The bartender replies, also in a high squeaky voice, "Here you go."
"Hey," says the squeaky-voiced man, "Are you making fun of my voice?"
"Not at all," says the bartender, matching him squeak for squeak, "I was making fun of that guy's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc49l7/a_man_asks_for_a_beer_in_a_deep_bass_voice/
%
Three priests we’re traveling to Pittsburgh

The leader says to the first priest, take this money to the counter and get us three tickets to Pittsburgh and get the change in nickels and dimes.
The first priest heads to the counter and sees an absolutely stunning beautiful girl - wearing a tight thin t-shirt that reveals very clearly her amazing breasts.
He says - “May I have three tickets to titsburgh and...” realizing what he said embarrassingly leaves without the tickets.
The lead priest asks what happened but he was too ashamed to say, so he says to the second...go to the counter, get us 3 tickets to Pittsburgh and get the change in nickels and dimes.
The second priest goes to the counter and seeing the same remarkable and glorious scene says “please give me 3 tickets to Pittsburgh and provide the change in nipples and di...” and embarrassingly leaves.
The lead priest getting no explanation again decides to do the job himself.
He arrives at the window, and upon gazing upon the voluptuousness and perfection, says “I’d like 3 tickets to Pittsburgh, and I’d like the change in nickels and dimes.”
She completes the transaction, and he turns to leave...but turns back to say “Miss, may I just say the way you’re presenting yourself here on earth, when you get to heaven, St. Finger’s going to shake his Peter at you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc4968/three_priests_were_traveling_to_pittsburgh/
%
An coronavirus walks into a bar.

The Bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here"
The virus replies, "Well, you’re not a very good host.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc45n4/an_coronavirus_walks_into_a_bar/
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A rope walks into a bar,

The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind!”
So the rope walks outside twists himself up and gets very frustrated. But he eventually walks back into the bar and asks again for a drink.
The bartender says “hey aren’t u the rope from before?” And the rope says “no, I’m a frayed knot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc45iv/a_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
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My friend told me that I don't understand irony...

Which was REALLY ironic because I was standing at the bus stop when he said it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc3zq4/my_friend_told_me_that_i_dont_understand_irony/
%
at first I didn't like my haircut

but it's growing on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc3z6h/at_first_i_didnt_like_my_haircut/
%
How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc3qar/how_many_apples_grow_on_a_tree/
%
What’s the best way to answer the phone during sex?

I cant talk now. I’m going into a tunnel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc3ppd/whats_the_best_way_to_answer_the_phone_during_sex/
%
The Earth used to be flat...

Until they buried yo momma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc3mnc/the_earth_used_to_be_flat/
%
What part of the army do babies join?

The infantry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc3mf6/what_part_of_the_army_do_babies_join/
%
I thought of an alternative title for john wick

Keanu grieves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc3i6r/i_thought_of_an_alternative_title_for_john_wick/
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Bud and the Politician

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc3hrj/bud_and_the_politician/
%
What machine is the most honest?

A fax machine, because it be spittin' straight facts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc3d1s/what_machine_is_the_most_honest/
%
A teacher was trying to teach his students good manners.

He asked Michael:
If you took a girl on a date to a restaurant, how would you say that you have to go to the bathroom?
Wait a minute, I gotta pee, Michael replied.
That would be very rude and inappropriate. How would you ask, Chris?
I'm sorry, but I have to really go to the toilet. I’ll be back, Chris said.
That’s better, Chris, but the word ‘toilet’ is not really appropriate for the table. How about you, Johnny?
To which Johnny replied:
Dearest, please excuse me for a moment. I have to shake the hand of my dear friend whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc38lj/a_teacher_was_trying_to_teach_his_students_good/
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Bernie Sanders doesn't use hand sanitizer

"It kills 99.9% of germs," he says, "just another case of too much privilege for the 0.1%!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc35xd/bernie_sanders_doesnt_use_hand_sanitizer/
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Here in WA state we had our first official Corona virus death near Seattle. Our grocery stores are practically empty from widespread panic. I really don't understand.

It's not going to last. It's made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc33py/here_in_wa_state_we_had_our_first_official_corona/
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My Eskimo friend got his ski stolen.

Now he dresses in black, and is always depressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc327b/my_eskimo_friend_got_his_ski_stolen/
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Remember that old joke about the Optimist and the Pessimist?

The Pessimist says, "Everything is terrible!  It can't get any worse."
To which the Optimist replies, "Oh yes it can!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc2zkm/remember_that_old_joke_about_the_optimist_and_the/
%
Wanna hear a sick joke?

American healthcare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc2rdw/wanna_hear_a_sick_joke/
%
A Bartender walks into a bar.

\*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc2ire/a_bartender_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Man: Can I have a number 4 with cheese?

Librarian: Sir, this is a library.
Man: Oh, right. Sorry.
Man: (whispers) Can I please have a number 4 with cheese?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc20ju/man_can_i_have_a_number_4_with_cheese/
%
The stock market crashing last week was worst than a divorce.

Lost half of my money AND the wife is still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc1s24/the_stock_market_crashing_last_week_was_worst/
%
Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense

Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc1keg/gay_people_have_no_excuse_to_have_a_bad_fashion/
%
IF YOU SEE A LINK FOR KATE UPTON NUDES DON’T CLICK IT

IT’S A VIRUS THAT FORCES YOU ON CAPS LOCK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc1ik6/if_you_see_a_link_for_kate_upton_nudes_dont_click/
%
Did you hear about the guy that went panic buying at Costco yesterday?

He picked up a case of Corona.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc14du/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_went_panic_buying/
%
Dads are just like boomerangs..

.. I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc13wk/dads_are_just_like_boomerangs/
%
Why are Mercedes so good at turning?

Because it benz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc0fnt/why_are_mercedes_so_good_at_turning/
%
Why is Tinker Bell always flying around?

Because she lives in Neverland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fc0be6/why_is_tinker_bell_always_flying_around/
%
I met a girl last night at a bar who said she could show me a good time.

When we left she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.42 seconds. Well she wasn't lying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbzyye/i_met_a_girl_last_night_at_a_bar_who_said_she/
%
A little girl was in a store to buy a Barbie doll for her birthday.

The shop owner said to her as a special treat you can choose another doll as well, Little girl says, can I have a GI Joe, shop owner says I thought Barbie came with Ken?, Little girl says no she comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbzt08/a_little_girl_was_in_a_store_to_buy_a_barbie_doll/
%
They say you can lead a horse to water, but how do you make a horse drink?

Put it in a blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbzq1b/they_say_you_can_lead_a_horse_to_water_but_how_do/
%
The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.

Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose.
Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?"
She says she doesn't know.
He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!"
The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!"
Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbzpcx/the_teacher_asks_how_you_put_2_holes_in_1_hole/
%
What do you call a Nazi fish?

Adolphin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbzm23/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_fish/
%
Dr: I'm sorry we are going to have to remove your colon

Me why? I'm perfectly punctuational

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbzgp5/dr_im_sorry_we_are_going_to_have_to_remove_your/
%
An Alabama man kills his wife, sister, mother, niece, daughter, and aunt.

How many people die?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbzglr/an_alabama_man_kills_his_wife_sister_mother_niece/
%
Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbzbsc/did_you_hear_about_the_halfassed_programmer/
%
A man is drinking with his friend at a bar, he drinks too much and ends up puking all over his shirt

He starts freaking out and tells his friend, “ I can’t go home like this, my wife’s been nagging me about my drinking and she’ll lose it”,
His friend says “don’t worry, I’m going to put a 10 dollar bill in your pocket, tell your wife you had one drink but the guy next to you overdid it and puked all over you so he gave you 10 dollars for dry cleaning”.
The guy goes home to his wife and she immediately starts yelling about his drinking.
He says “no no honey, I had one drink, the guy next to me puked on me, I can prove it, he put 10 dollars in my pocket for dry cleaning”
She reaches into his pocket and says “but there’s a 20 in here”.
The man says “I know, he also crapped in my pants”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbz7we/a_man_is_drinking_with_his_friend_at_a_bar_he/
%
What's it called when someone from Apple gets fired?

Apple turnover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbz7b2/whats_it_called_when_someone_from_apple_gets_fired/
%
How many screws does it take to hold together a lesbian's bed?

None, it's all tongue and groove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbz1tz/how_many_screws_does_it_take_to_hold_together_a/
%
A fly felt something bite his back...

Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back"
"Hey! What are you? A mite? "
Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!"
Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard."
Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbyzeg/a_fly_felt_something_bite_his_back/
%
Italian Wedding Test!

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbysqi/italian_wedding_test/
%
A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. ....

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look".
Whispering under her breath, the wife says, "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!"
Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach."
After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!"
Embarrassed, the husband admits, "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."
The cop thought for a second and said, "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this b\*\*\*\* making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fby42q/a_policeman_sends_his_wife_and_kid_to_a_resort/
%
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“Yeah, well, it’s like this, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fby3q6/a_man_walks_into_the_toy_store_to_get_a_barbie/
%
On a scale of 1 to 11, how would you rate Arabs?

9 out of 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fby1be/on_a_scale_of_1_to_11_how_would_you_rate_arabs/
%
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.
The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.
"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.
"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."
"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"
The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbxvwt/yesterday_a_casket_at_a_funeral_home_magically/
%
What do you call a Redditor on the beach?

A tropical depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbxog0/what_do_you_call_a_redditor_on_the_beach/
%
I like my women like I like my instant coffee.

Ground up and dissolved in hot liquid.
I'm ^really ^^sorry, ^^^everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbxnan/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_instant_coffee/
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbxmll/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
Boy gets spanked

A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbxibi/boy_gets_spanked/
%
Jokes are like food

Not everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbx7fd/jokes_are_like_food/
%
What happens when an artist can't take criticism?

They take Poland, instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbx5c8/what_happens_when_an_artist_cant_take_criticism/
%
My grandfather died while commenting on a Facebook post

I’ll not see the likes of him again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbwzsj/my_grandfather_died_while_commenting_on_a/
%
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbwwny/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_cows_masturbating/
%
After countless attempts at Moby Dick the ol' cap'n was a nervous wreck and missing a leg...

Did someone at least send him a "Get Whale Soon" card?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbwv4u/after_countless_attempts_at_moby_dick_the_ol_capn/
%
Pretty lame I guess depends on how many of you get it.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Door mum
Door mum who?
I've come to bargain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbwpml/pretty_lame_i_guess_depends_on_how_many_of_you/
%
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero and the other is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbvuye/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
If having sex with two people is a threesome & having sex with one person is a twosome...

...you now know why people call you **handsome**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbvur0/if_having_sex_with_two_people_is_a_threesome/
%
A Christian man begs God for a car, but realizes God doesn’t work that way.

Instead, he stole a car and begged God for forgiveness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbvsoz/a_christian_man_begs_god_for_a_car_but_realizes/
%
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.
(I'll show myself out...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbvseh/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
When is your door not actually a door?

When it's actually ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbvrx8/when_is_your_door_not_actually_a_door/
%
A resident of St. Louis was recently diagnosed with depression

He's living in Missouri.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbvrc8/a_resident_of_st_louis_was_recently_diagnosed/
%
Guy visits his doctor

Doctor says "I've got some bad news. You have cancer and Alzheimer's."
Patient says "Well at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbvqah/guy_visits_his_doctor/
%
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.

It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbvlxs/i_threw_my_wife_a_surprise_bukakke_party/
%
what's the difference between a run down bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

one is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbvld3/whats_the_difference_between_a_run_down_bus_stop/
%
Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbvl8u/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
%
What's the difference between kinky sex and perverted sex?

Kinky sex involves duck feathers.
Perverted sex involves the duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbvkol/whats_the_difference_between_kinky_sex_and/
%
One day my mom knocked the bathroom's door asking why i was taking so much time in there

I said: I'm jerking off and smoking pot!
And she was like: thank God. I tought you were wasting water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbvh4x/one_day_my_mom_knocked_the_bathrooms_door_asking/
%
help shark

The other day i was at the beach when i saw a guy in the sea flailing about and shouting "help shark help shark"
i thought its nice that he is asking the shark for help but he should probably call the lifeguard instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbv7fd/help_shark/
%
I don't make jokes about AOC very often.

I only make them Ocasio-nally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbv3aj/i_dont_make_jokes_about_aoc_very_often/
%
You should never trust stairs,

They're always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbv1xv/you_should_never_trust_stairs/
%
My girlfriend is too tight

I know something is wrong but I just cant put my finger in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbv1k2/my_girlfriend_is_too_tight/
%
Just went on the Weight Watchers website.

How come they want you to accept cookies?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbuyrn/just_went_on_the_weight_watchers_website/
%
Before the drawing board was invented ...

... what did people go back to?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbuxyi/before_the_drawing_board_was_invented/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbuvq8/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
I went to Burger King for dinner yesterday and the woman taking my order had a badge near her left breast that said Pat...

Long story short, I got banned from Burger King.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbu5i7/i_went_to_burger_king_for_dinner_yesterday_and/
%
Me: When is your birthday?

She: March 1st
Me: \*walking around the room\* When is your birthday?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbu3tq/me_when_is_your_birthday/
%
An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet.  The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I've ever seen in my life. What sort of breed is it?"
The Aussie takes a long swig of his beer, puts down the glass, and says: "He is a long-nosed, short-eared, long-bodied, short-legged water-hound, and I'll have you know that he's the best darn fighter I've ever owned!"
The barman takes another long look and laughs. "I happen to own the toughest bulldog in the whole shire, and he's never been beaten in a fight. I'll wager £1000 that my dog could beat that ugly mutt of yours any day of the week."
The Aussie takes the barman up on the bet and they bundle the two unfortunate creatures unceremoniously into the back room of the pub and pull the door shut. Immediately there is a frenzy of snarls, growls and yelps, followed by an eerie silence.
Grinning, the barman opens the door, keen to collect on his £1000 wager. To his dismay, his bulldog is lying dead in a pool of blood whilst the Aussie's four-legged companion lays in the middle of the room, casually chewing on the remains of the bulldog's left rear leg.
The barman shakes his head as he reaches into his back pocket and hands over a large roll of bank notes.  "17 fights...", he mutters, "17 fights my dog has been in and he's never lost a single one until now. Who ever knew that such an odd-looking mutt as yours would be able to fight so well. What sort of breed did you say he was again?"
"He's a long-nosed, short-eared, long-bodied, short-legged water-hound," the Aussie grinned, "although up in far north Queensland where I come from we just call them crocodiles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbu25i/an_aussie_walks_into_a_british_pub/
%
A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldnt you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbtzom/a_big_muscular_guy_with_a_bad_stutter_goes_to_a/
%
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbtwvu/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_blonde_woman_last_night/
%
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds

Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbtk23/did_you_know_a_school_of_piranha_can_devour_a/
%
If Thanos used social media, what platform would he use?

Snapchat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbthy7/if_thanos_used_social_media_what_platform_would/
%
Why did the hippie burn his tongue drinking coffee?

Because he drank it way before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbthln/why_did_the_hippie_burn_his_tongue_drinking_coffee/
%
Why don't international pandemics begin in the US?

They do, but we prefer to release them in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbtgls/why_dont_international_pandemics_begin_in_the_us/
%
In a small coastal town a tramp decides to go for a walk....

It's the dead of winter and the lakes near the edges of the town have all frozen over. As the tramp is enjoying his afternoon stroll, he can hear screaming in the distance. He immediately begins to run as fast as he can to the source. The tramp comes along the edge of a frozen lake and sees a young woman has fallen through the ice into the freezing waters below!
Without thinking, the tramp sprints straight across the frozen lake and pulls the woman free of the cold waters. He carries the young lady to the nearest road and wraps her in his jacket and begins to try and wave down a car. The very first car to pull up is a very expensive, long limousine.
From the back, a large, rich man jumps out and exclaims,
"Oh my! That's my daughter you have there! You must have pulled her from the ice and rescued her! I am the mayor of this fine coastal town and I have to repay you! Tell me my dear tramp friend, what can I do to repay you!"
The tramp ponders the situation he has found himself in. He replies most courteously,
"Well Mayor, I have been a tramp my whole life. I've never had much to call my own. I guess the only thing I could ask for is some cash."
The Mayor nods his head and strokes his chin. He replies slowly,
"How much would you like my homeless acquaintance?"
The tramp replies quickly,
"I only ask whatever you have to spare!"
The Mayor reaches into his wallet and produces $15. He shakes his head and says,
"My destitute pal, I only have $15 on me. This is not enough to repay you fully! Please follow me back to my mansion so that I can properly pay you the amount you deserve!"
The Tramp, however, is shaking with excitement as he replies,
"Oh my! $15 is more than I've ever even held in my entire life! I'll take it!"
He gratefully takes the money and bids the Mayor a farewell and watches as he takes his daughter into the back and they drive off. Now, loaded with more money than he knew what to do with, he skips into the center of town.
"Oh jeeze! $15 whole dollars! What should I do with all of this money?"
The tramp ponders the question for a bit, wondering what he should do. Suddenly, it comes to him in a flash of brilliance!
"I shall take a vacation! That's exactly what I shall do with my $15!"
So without a doubt in his mind, the Tramp walks proudly into a travel agency and steps up to the front desk. An older woman comes from the back and skeptically asks,
"Hello sir, what can I do for you this fine cold day?"
The Tramp produces the $15 from his pocket and places it on the counter,
"I would like one vacation if you please ma'am!"
The woman stares at the $15 dollars on the counter and scoffs,
"Sir, this is only $15. There is no way I can find a trip on such a... frugal budget."
The Tramp is heartbroken as he sadly replies,
"Oh please ma'am, this is all the money I have. Please, there must be something! Can you look?"
The woman shakes her head and walks off into the back. She seems to be gone for quite some time. The Tramp is just about to lose hope when suddenly the travel agent reappears with a large dusty book. She slams it down and flips to a bookmarked page.
"Sir, you are quite the lucky man, I have an all expense paid, around the world, luxury cruise! And the best part is the booking fee is only $15!"
The Tramp is ecstatic! He exclaims,
"I'll take it! Yes! Oh my!"
He quickly pays and heads straight for the docks to board the ship. As he approaches the pier, he sees the most beautiful, luxurious cruise ship. He starts to run up the brow to board the ship when a man comes running down the opposite way, waving his arms yelling,
"Hey! What do you think you're doing! I can't have no tramps on my fine cruise ship! Get out of here you bum!"
The Tramp quickly produces his ticket and presents it to the man,
"Oh well sir, I rightfully paid for my ticket and I was boarding for my around the world cruise..."
The Captian takes the ticket and looks it over. He nods his head and calms down before saying,
"I see... Well my friend, you must understand the my passengers are all very rich people and they expect a certain level of class. I can't just have you walking around while they are awake! Do me a favor, go find a place to lay low on the docks and at midnight, I'll come find you and sneak you onto the boat."
The Tramp nods his head and thanks the Captain. He wonders down to the docks and finds a nice place to settle down and slowly drifts off into a nice nap...
Suddenly, he is shaken awake and he can see that night has descended on the docks. The Captian holds a finger up to silence to Tramp and motions for him to follow. They walk up the brow and board the ship. As they make their way down to the passengers cabins, the Tramp is shocked! It's absolutely the most beautiful and extravagant place he's ever seen. There is 4 inch thick carpets and gold ornate trim on the walls. All of the paintings hanging on the walls are original masterpieces. The Captian turns back to the Tramp and whispers,
"Sorry my friend, but this is first class. I can't keep you here. We are going down a few levels to your lodgings."
The Tramp nods happily and continues to stare in awe. As they make their way down, the rooms slowly become less extravagant. The second deck down only has 2 inch thick carpets, the ornate trims are silver, and the paintings on the walls are replicas of famous masterpieces. However, the Tramp is still in complete awe of the majesty of it all. The Captain turns around and whispers,
"Again my friend, this is a little too nice for you to stay here. We are going to continue down."
Again the Tramp nods and they proceed down to the third deck down. This time the carpets are only 1 inch thick and the ornate trim is bronze. The paintings are done by unknown artists. The Captian again explains that this is far to ritzy for the Tramp to stay here. They continue down, further and further they travel down into the bowels of the ship. Eventually they reach the engine rooms.
In the very back of a boiler room there is a large metal door that the Captian enters with the Tramp tailing behind. Inside, there is a simple rope hammock and barrel with an alarm clock on top. The Captain explains,
"I'm sorry it's not much,  but this will be where you have to stay during the day. At night, once all the other guests have retired to their rooms, you are free to roam the topside and enjoy the facilities! But only when the other passengers are asleep!... oh my, are you okay?"
The Tramp looks up with tears in his eyes,
"Oh my goodness Captian, I've never been treated so well in my entire life! Thank you for everything you've done for me thus far! I promise to repay you some how!"
The Captain laughs and pats him on the back. He sets the alarm for midnight and lets the Tramp get settled in....
The following night, the Tramp goes above deck and explores everything. He tries out the shuffle board, enjoys some rock climbing, even enjoys a nice movie! As the night get closers to an end, he spots a large pool with a nice diving board. The Tramp decides to do a few dives before calling it a day. As he gets ready, someone peeks around a corner to observe. They watch as the Tramp dives from the diving board and enters the water without a splash! It's almost unbelievable! The Tramp dives a few more times and every single time he enters the water there isn't a splash! Not even a ripple! The mysterious onlooker is shocked!
The Tramp continues this for a few weeks. Diving and entering the water perfectly! Eventually, the onlooker approaches the Tramp and reveals themselves to be the Captain!
"My friend! I have been watching you dive for weeks now and I must tell you that you are most phenomenal thing I have ever seen! Please! Let me build you the largest diving board the world has ever seen! We will hold a show, charging a fee, and everyone on the boat will come to see the best diver on all the seas!"
The Tramp agrees most excitedly! He cannot wait to dive for an audience! So for the following weeks, the Captian gets busy building the largest diving board behind a curtain and the Tramp continues to practice his dive. Finally, after the diving board is finished and the Tramp has even further perfected his dive, the Captian comes down to the Tramps room and tells him he has a gift for him. The Tramp accepts the wrapped box and opens it to reveal a brand new swimsuit!
"My goodness! This is wonderful!" Exclaims the Tramp, he immediately changes and heads up above deck. The entire ship is waiting on baited breaths. They are whispers to one another, curious as to who the mystery diver is, and how tall is this "largest diving board ever" really? The Captian embraces the Tramp and tells him that he wishes him the best of luck. The curtain is thrown back and everyone gasps! The ladder reaches higher than anyone can see! The Tramp sets his shoulders back in determination and begins to climb.
Slowly he gets higher and higher. Looking down he can see the entire ship below him. He continues to climb and climb, before again looking down and seeing the ship is nothing more than a tiny dot in the ocean. He continues to climb further and further. He glances down again and this time he can see the entire expanse of the ocean, even noticing the curvature of the earth. He continues to climb, higher and higher. He looks down again and sees the entire earth below him. He lets out a breath and wipes his brow before continuing his climb. Finally, he reaches the top and looks down one last time. The earth is but a small speck below him. He says a quick prayer and jumps.
The audience begins to worry, they haven't seen the diver in a few hours. Is the ladder reall that high? Did he get stuck? Will he be okay falling at such a height? Meanwhile, the Tramp is falling. Faster and faster! The earth slowly grows before his eyes! He can see the entire planet! As he builds more and more speed, suddenly the entire ocean is spread out before him, he can see only the curvature of the planet now! Fast and faster he falls, the ship is now a speck in front of him!
Back on the ship, an audience member gasps! Everyone looks up and they see the diver speeding at breakneck speed straight towards the pool! The Tramp hits the water faster than he's ever hit water before! But still! Not. A. Single. Ripple. Smooth like glass, the surface remains still. The Tramp flies down to the bottom of the pool! He breaks through the bottom! He flies through the first deck, second deck, third, fourth! All the way dowm until he goes straight through the keel! He continues straight down all the way to the bottom of the ocean! He finally stops and kicks his way to the top. He breaches the surface and can hear the cheers from the crowd above. A ladder is lowered and he makes his way back up to the main deck. The Captian is waiting with open arms!
"My dear fellow!" He exclaims, "how in the world did you accomplish such a feat? I'm in total awe!"
The homeless man chuckles and replies,
"Captian my good friend! I'm a Tramp, I've been through many a hardship in my life!"
The end.
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbtgh0/in_a_small_coastal_town_a_tramp_decides_to_go_for/
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What are the best animals to explain something

Squirrels. They always give it in a nutshell
I just hope this makes someone's day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbtc0i/what_are_the_best_animals_to_explain_something/
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(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis?

Because her coach was a PUMPKIN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbt5yb/from_a_6year_old_why_did_cinderella_always_lose/
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Samwise is preparing for his wedding...

He gathers his fellow hobbits around and then turns to Pippin.
"Pippin, I want you to be my best man."
Pippin is overjoyed, but before he can celebrate, there's a sound of someone crying, he turns and sees Frodo standing there with teary eyes.
"But Sam, what about me?" Frodo sobs.
Sam chuckles and says "Don't be silly, Mister Frodo, you're the ring bearer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbt1qu/samwise_is_preparing_for_his_wedding/
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What do you call an award that wastes away?

Atrophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbt1et/what_do_you_call_an_award_that_wastes_away/
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I hate spelling errors so much.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbsw2k/i_hate_spelling_errors_so_much/
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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking cigarettes.

Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asks, "Grandpa can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asks, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "it most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbsv5t/one_day_little_johnny_saw_his_grandpa_smoking/
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My girlfriend and I don't have a vibrator, but she'd love to use one in the bedroom.

I'm posting this from my iPhone, so if you guys wanna actually pleasure a woman for once, drop a comment or two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbstut/my_girlfriend_and_i_dont_have_a_vibrator_but_shed/
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Do you smoke after sex?

I don’t know, I’ve never looked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbsrdi/do_you_smoke_after_sex/
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When airlines actually award for your loyalty

Airline staff: I’m sorry, the flight is full today. We couldn’t allot you nearby seats. Your seat number is 2A and your wife’s is 42D
Me: Thank you very much, do I need to pay anything extra for this service?
Airline staff:No sir,A compliment for your loyalty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbsjfc/when_airlines_actually_award_for_your_loyalty/
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Old man goes to the pharmacist...

Pharmacist: Hey Bill, what's goin' on?
Bill: Oh, not much Frank, wife's birthday was a few weeks ago, didn't know what to get her, so I bought a 100,000 life insurance policy.
Pharmacist: Not very romantic, but practical I guess.
Bill: Yeah, she really liked the idea and security of it. She was so happy, for Valentines day, she bought me a complete trip to China.
So, I'm just picking up my prescriptions before heading out of town...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbsgli/old_man_goes_to_the_pharmacist/
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Did I tell you I ran over my mother-in-law's foot the other day with the lawn mower?

I told my wife we should have buried her deeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbsfh3/did_i_tell_you_i_ran_over_my_motherinlaws_foot/
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I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.

But it’s not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbscty/i_wouldnt_say_its_easy_living_with_erectile/
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What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbs5k6/what_happens_if_you_dont_pay_your_exorcist/
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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving, you know...

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbrvcs/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving_you_know/
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What does a Muslim child say after being caught stealing for the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbrooe/what_does_a_muslim_child_say_after_being_caught/
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A guy was driving in a car with a blonde.

He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbrnz6/a_guy_was_driving_in_a_car_with_a_blonde/
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"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"

"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbrnhj/mom_when_will_i_get_lipstick_like_the_other_girls/
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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbrmsf/i_asked_my_wife_to_dress_up_as_my_favourite_star/
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My dad to me today: you know how poop is called nature's call, right? What do you call a fart then?

Nature's missed call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbrkua/my_dad_to_me_today_you_know_how_poop_is_called/
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Dark one

Women are like parking spots, the best ones
already taken so when noone is looking stick it into a disabled one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbrj5h/dark_one/
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My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.... said maybe they'll marry eachother.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbr3tv/my_son_was_just_born_and_another_dad_at_the/
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This morning at the bank, while I was in line, two people with masks entered...there was TOTAL PANIC..

Then they said: “This is a robbery”...and we all calmed down...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbqwzl/this_morning_at_the_bank_while_i_was_in_line_two/
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What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?

I'm so over you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbqrlm/what_did_the_numerator_say_to_the_denominator/
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You shouldn't try being your own electrician

This piece of advice shouldn't shock you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbqf8i/you_shouldnt_try_being_your_own_electrician/
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Why did the latino man go to the therapist?

To talk about hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbq62c/why_did_the_latino_man_go_to_the_therapist/
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Why does a skeleton go to the party alone?

He has "no body" to go with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbq3mp/why_does_a_skeleton_go_to_the_party_alone/
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why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
literal dad joke, my dad told me this :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbpsie/why_do_chicken_coops_have_2_doors/
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I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day

Because being ugly every day sucks... :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbpr7c/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_just_1_day/
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What do you call a redditor who has been taken hostage?

A stolen joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbpofs/what_do_you_call_a_redditor_who_has_been_taken/
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You know what's the worst part about giving a magician a blowjob?

Spitting out all the scarves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbpnig/you_know_whats_the_worst_part_about_giving_a/
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Old Jew Joke - "The Jewish Elbow"

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push-button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
"What ... you're coming empty-handed?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbpiqn/old_jew_joke_the_jewish_elbow/
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I was gonna make a warning about procrastination

But I'll do it later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbp028/i_was_gonna_make_a_warning_about_procrastination/
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The boss demands to know why his employee was late.

"Sorry boss, I was masturbating. But I came as quick as I could."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbow2c/the_boss_demands_to_know_why_his_employee_was_late/
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I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite, I'm perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fboot8/i_asked_my_girlfriend_to_describe_me_in_5_words/
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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.
The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak in the house. This way nobody would know of thier secret affair. It went on for a few months.
A local detective got suspicious. So over the next week he would track thier movements. He noticed that every night Ryan would drive her to his place, they would make love all night and he would drop her off before the dawn. So he informed the police.
One fine night, the police raided Ryan's place. They found Ryan and the girl having sex. Ryan was immediately arrested.   The court trail followed. Since sex outside of marriage is prohibited, the judge ordered to Ryan's dick to be chopped off in public.
The CIA got hold of this news. They asked the Saudi government to pardon Ryan. The Saudi government didn't rejected the idea of pardon sensing public anger.
So the day of reckoning came. The square was full of people. Ryan was presented before the public at 10 AM. His crime and punishment were read out.
The judge ordered Ryan's pants to be removed. His dick was placed on a chopping board.
Just when the executioner was about to slam his sword on Ryan's dick, a US marine chopper landed at the square. Everybody including Ryan was puzzled.
Apparently it was a secret mission to rescue him.
From the chopper, 6 marines ejected and surrounded the square to ensure the choppers were safe. Nobody in the audience moved.
When the sqaure was secured, Tom Hanks in his military uniform came out of the chopper, grabbed Ryan and threw him in. All the marines boarded the chopper and flew off without any incident. The rescue mission was celebrated as a grand success in the media.
Ryan, although thankful was surprised to see Tom Hanks on the mission and so he asked him "What the hell are you doing here Tom?"
Tom replied "SAVING RYAN'S PRIVATE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbobt0/ryan_gosling_went_to_live_in_saudi_arabia_for_a/
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A girl wants movie stars faces tattooed on her thighs

So she goes to a tattoo parlor and spends hours having Christain Bale’ face tattooed on her left inner thigh and Leonardo DiCaprio’s face tattooed on her right inner thigh.
When it’s finished, she is extremely disappointed with the results, saying neither face is an accurate depiction of who she wanted.
To make her point to the tattoo artist, she walks out of his shop, corners the first person she sees, lifts her skirt and says who do these look like?
A startled old man says, “well, the one on the left kinda looks like Christian Bale, and the one one on the right sorta looks like Leonardo DiCaprio...but the one in the middle looks exactly like Willie Nelson!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbo9vg/a_girl_wants_movie_stars_faces_tattooed_on_her/
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Polish Cruise

A Polish guy is walking down the street in Chicago when he sees a sign outside a bar:
"Polish Special: Dinner and a Cruise, $3.00!"
So the guy walks in. Immediately he is hit in the head and knocked out.
When he wakes up, he's floating in Lake Michigan in a barrel with an apple in his lap.
He looks around, and sees another guy floating in a barrel about 20 feet away.
"Hey!" he yells. "Do we get dessert on this cruise?"
And the other guy says, "We didn't last year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbo1iz/polish_cruise/
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When does 1 + 1 = 3?

When you don't pull out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbo07x/when_does_1_1_3/
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I went birdwatching the other day, but didn't see anything.

Still, no egrets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbnq3l/i_went_birdwatching_the_other_day_but_didnt_see/
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I'm just a man with Corona Virus looking for a girl to complete me

Hopefully she has "Lyme Disease"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbnicq/im_just_a_man_with_corona_virus_looking_for_a/
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If you pee yourself and get mad...

You're pissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbnbhr/if_you_pee_yourself_and_get_mad/
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Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbn32k/did_you_know_that_a_group_of_crows_is_called_a/
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Where does a man-splainer get his water from?

From a well, actually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbn151/where_does_a_mansplainer_get_his_water_from/
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What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbn0pr/whats_et_short_for/
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Why did 1/5 get a massage?

Because he was 2/10!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbn0bz/why_did_15_get_a_massage/
%
Today, I saw a cop dancing while pulling over a U-Haul truck.

I think he was trying to bust a move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmzi5/today_i_saw_a_cop_dancing_while_pulling_over_a/
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My wife and I share a sense of humor.

We have to...
She doesn't have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmz9b/my_wife_and_i_share_a_sense_of_humor/
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Why did the flight attendant prevent the raven from boarding the plane?

He had too much carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmz8s/why_did_the_flight_attendant_prevent_the_raven/
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My wife screamed in pain during labour

I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmxye/my_wife_screamed_in_pain_during_labour/
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Why do pandas make awful boyfriends?

Because he only eats shoots and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmxxb/why_do_pandas_make_awful_boyfriends/
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What's the difference between a slice of pizza and a hippie?

You don't have to take the crust off of a slice of pizza before you eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmxet/whats_the_difference_between_a_slice_of_pizza_and/
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Tomorrow is another day.

On the other hand, yesterday was also another day and look how badly you screwed that up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmx8d/tomorrow_is_another_day/
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You're so ugly that I'm going to have to stop drinking

just in case I start seeing two of you...
​

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbms40/youre_so_ugly_that_im_going_to_have_to_stop/
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If laughter is the best medicine

your face must be curing the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmrjl/if_laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
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A man who needs legal help goes to a lawyer’s office

After being escorted inside, he sits across the desk from the lawyer. The man needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks.
“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.”
“Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of money to answer three questions?”
“Yes it is”, answers the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmq61/a_man_who_needs_legal_help_goes_to_a_lawyers/
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I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet

I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmjpx/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
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What did the fan say to the other fan?

Blow me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmiux/what_did_the_fan_say_to_the_other_fan/
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I walked in on my wife on the scale.

She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!"
She quickly replied, "that's not going to help"
I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmhcb/i_walked_in_on_my_wife_on_the_scale/
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Man goes to buy a new car...

The salesman at the dealership talks with him for a while and sets him up with a car that suits his needs. As he's leaving the lot, he wants to listen to some music and discovers there isn't any buttons on the stereo. He beckons over the salesman and asks "what's the deal with the stereo, I can't turn it on?" The salesman tells him "well now, this here is top of the line technology, no buttons or wires , completely hands free, just say what you want to hear and the system will find it!"
He drives off and starts playing around with the new system.
"Rock" - instantly Metallica starts playing
"Rap" - Eminem comes on
He thinks this is pretty incredible but wonders how accurate it is so he says "Take 5 - Dave Brubeck" and the song comes on immediately.
While he was thinking of his next test a large truck cuts out in front of him,  causing him to swerve,  he shouts out "Fuckin asshole!"...
"Hi I'm Michael Bloomberg and I'm running for President"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmguw/man_goes_to_buy_a_new_car/
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Drinking Fishing Hunting..

I was walking down the street & was accosted by a particularly dirty shabby looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of $s for dinner.
I took out ten dollars & asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower & a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmftd/drinking_fishing_hunting/
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I have a French hot tub that thinks I did it.

It's a J'accuzzi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbmb1y/i_have_a_french_hot_tub_that_thinks_i_did_it/
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My wife asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with her the other day.

When I asked her which one she suggested "The Invisible Man."
I told her I didn't think we could see that.
(True story...hope no one beat me to the joke on here)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbm4jq/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_go_see_a_movie/
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A Hindu man, a Rabbi, and Lawyer are walking together on a journey. They realize they will be needing a place to stay so they stop at a lonely farmhouse. The lawyer knocks on the door.

A farmer opens the door and, seeing the three men in front of him, asks "How may I help you?"
The lawyer as the nominated spokesperson says, "We three humble travelers are seeking a place to sleep. We need no food, just a bed."
The farmer replies, "I only have two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn." The three travelers talk it over and the Hindu man decides to take the barn. The farmer shows the Lawyer and Rabbi to their rooms and then shows the Hindu man where he will sleep. As the farmer is laying down, he notes that the clock reads 10 PM.  An hour later, there is a knock at the door and the tired farmer goes to see who it is.
There stands the Hindu man. He says, "I mean not to bother you and I have nothing against your barn. You do however own a cow and in my religion, cows are holy. I do not care what you have to say about holy cows. To me, they are nothing to joke about. CouId please trade places with the Rabbi?"
The farmer immediately goes to wake the Rabbi and explains the situation. The Rabbi agrees anad trades places with the Hindu man. The farmer lays down once more only to be woke an hour later. He goes to see who is there. The Rabbi is standing at the door.
"I have no problem with the cow as with the Hindu man. However in my religion, there are unclean animals. You have one such unclean animal, the pig. To follow my religion, I cannot sleep in the same place as the pig. Could I please switch with the lawyer?"  The famer immediately goes to wake the lawyer and explains the situation. The lawyer agrees and trades places with the rabbi.
The farmer wearily lays his head on the pillow. 10 minutes later, there is a knock at the door. Exhausted, the farmer gets up to see who it is. There, in the dark, stand the cow and the pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbm1w8/a_hindu_man_a_rabbi_and_lawyer_are_walking/
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I fell in love with an amazing man

When he proposed I decided to make a huge sacrifice: I gave up on my favourite food, beans.
A few months later, on my birthday, my car broke down. Called him to let him know I was coming later. Suddenly I smelled baked beans from a nearby restaurant and couldn't help myself. I figured I'd have plenty of time to get through the consequences by the time I get home.
So I went in the restaurant and devoured three servings of baked beans. On my way home I was doing my best to get rid of any excess gases.
When I got home, my man was already visibly excited. He declared he has a huge surprise for me. He blindfolded me and led me to my chair in the dining room. As he was about to remove the blindfolds, the phone rang. I had to promise not to peek while he was on the phone, so I did.
So I sat there blindfolded, with more gas trembling in my gut. The pressure was getting unbearable and since he wasn't there, I took my chance, leaned on one side and let it rip.
It was understandably loud and smelled like a murder scene so I tried to fan it away with the napkin on my lap while letting out some more cannon fire.
I could hear him ending the phone call so after a few more quick fanning motions I put the napkin back to my lap. All the pressure was gone, I was happy and I put on my best innocent face.
He came back, apologized for taking so long and asked if I peeked. I of course didn't and as I replied, he took my blindfold off.
That's when 12 people started singing "Happy Birthday" to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fblzq5/i_fell_in_love_with_an_amazing_man/
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Johnny gets off the school bus

Dad asks Johnny about his day at school. Johnny says not much happened. Then adds, "But I did have sex with my teacher."
The dad is surprised, since Johnny just started middle school. He gets to thinking. Johnny is no longer a virgin. Johnny is growing up. Johnny is living a rock star dream! I should celebrate with Johnny. Johnny is too old for ice cream. What should I suggest? Dad has an idea. "Hey, Johnny, that's great! We should celebrate! Lets get rid of your kid's bike and buy you a mountain bike! I'll grab the car keys!"
Johnny replies, "Not today. My butt still hurts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fblz6t/johnny_gets_off_the_school_bus/
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We child-proofed our homes

But they are still getting in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fblybl/we_childproofed_our_homes/
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I showed up late to a cannibal party.

I got the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbltyw/i_showed_up_late_to_a_cannibal_party/
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I can tell how much of a pervert a woman is.

Just by looking up her skirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fblpvq/i_can_tell_how_much_of_a_pervert_a_woman_is/
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I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbloi7/i_was_at_a_barber_shop_in_bangkok_and_i_asked_to/
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My brother is great in Russian roulette!

He only lost once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbl8gz/my_brother_is_great_in_russian_roulette/
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I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament

It should’ve been called a dead giveaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbl6io/i_want_to_know_what_idiot_called_it_a_last_will/
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Leg Doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!”
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear, “Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.”
“I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on.” The doctor asked.
“That’s nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee.”
The doctor put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say “Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!”
“Sir, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never seen anything like this.” The doctor was dumbfounded.
“Wait Doc, that’s not it. There’s more, just put your ear up to my ankle,” the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, “Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can.”
I have no idea what to tell you,” the doctor said. “There’s nothing about it in my books,” he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
“I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I’d say you've got a bum leg.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbl0fy/leg_doctor/
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How does Professor X have sex?

He mindfucks people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbkvvd/how_does_professor_x_have_sex/
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What type of vehicle does a rural boy with synchronous diaphragmatic flutter drive?

A hiccup truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbkrbv/what_type_of_vehicle_does_a_rural_boy_with/
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What do you call a hippie's wife?

A Mississippi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbkqu3/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
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What’s something pregnant teens and their fetuses have in common?

They both think “mom is gonna kill me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbkoq4/whats_something_pregnant_teens_and_their_fetuses/
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My existence

No litterally my dad said I was an accident :c

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbkob7/my_existence/
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My landlord asked me out on a date

He said I should be out of the house by the 17th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbkeyb/my_landlord_asked_me_out_on_a_date/
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Gosh time is moving so slowly

Seems like the longest February in a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbkeje/gosh_time_is_moving_so_slowly/
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One day when I was young, I watched my father grilling burgers.

When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.
He than left, and never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbkefi/one_day_when_i_was_young_i_watched_my_father/
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So my nephew just wanted to know...

Have you heard the joke about the balloon that met the cactussssssssssssh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbkde8/so_my_nephew_just_wanted_to_know/
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I tried on my girlfriend's gloves. They actually looked amazing on me, but were hard to remove because of how tight they were.

I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbkcoq/i_tried_on_my_girlfriends_gloves_they_actually/
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A cow with no legs is ground beef. A cow with 3 legs is lean beef. But what do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbjohs/a_cow_with_no_legs_is_ground_beef_a_cow_with_3/
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Old man and fishing

Yesterday I watched an old man fishing in a puddle outside our neighborhood bar. So I invited him in and bought him a beer..I thought I would humor the old man and ask him how many fish had he caught today. The old man replied, "you're the eighth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbjn56/old_man_and_fishing/
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What is it called when you forget your boobs at home?

Mammary loss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbjkr6/what_is_it_called_when_you_forget_your_boobs_at/
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Bill, Donald, and George are out playing golf and discussing the peculiarities of the office.

George starts talking about all the bills he was able to sign at the presidential desk in the oval office and Trump smiles at him and slaps his back. " I got that beat George, the party has turned it into an altar now, they would follow me to hell and back."
Trump gets his club out as he is ready to tee it off, waiting for Clinton's accomplishment. But there is silence.
"What Bill? Nothing? Certainly, there is one thing you can think about"
Trump prodded at the former president.
Bill shrugged, "Every time I tried anything on that desk, I got impeached for it."
(This is just a joke that I made up on the fly trying to make my wife feel better after a car accident and I thought I would put it up here.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbji7q/bill_donald_and_george_are_out_playing_golf_and/
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What’s the opposite of a stink bug?

A de-odor-ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbjfi6/whats_the_opposite_of_a_stink_bug/
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbjczt/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_not_a_rabbit_want/
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What do you call a bird looking through a little hole?

Peaking duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbjcb2/what_do_you_call_a_bird_looking_through_a_little/
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What would you call a doctor on call?

Q: What do you call a doctor on call?
A: An oncologist
Sorry if this joke gave you cancer xD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbj9js/what_would_you_call_a_doctor_on_call/
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So an Irishman is walking through the Kildare forest...

##
He is pretty lost, but suddenly he sees a leprechaun sitting on a rock. Surprised, he greets him. The leprechaun goes "Hello there! Not everyday you see one of my kind! Tell you what, I'll give you 3 wishes! Any you want!" So the Irishman thinks a while, and finally says "Well, it's a bloody hot day, A nice cold glass of Guinness would do fine!" So, as requested the leprechaun conjures up the glass. "You see, this isn't any normal glass of Guinness," he goes, "once you drink it all it'll fill right up to the top again! Your other wishes?" "I'll 'ave two more o' them please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbiuyz/so_an_irishman_is_walking_through_the_kildare/
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Anatomy class...

A anatomy teacher teaches his students during an autopsy... he says:
“There are two main traits, a good surgeon must have... first is, nothing can disgust him!”
He proceeds to stick his finger in the corpses asshole, pulls it out and sucks on it... Half the students start throwing up...
“ now you try...” he says to his students.
At first, they are all reluctant, but eventually all proceed to stick their finger up the corpses asshole and suck on it...
The teacher continues.. “ The second trait is observation. Those of you, who have watched me carefully, would have noticed, I stuck my middle finger up the corpses ass but sucked on my index finger!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbiuf4/anatomy_class/
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I finally got laid

off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbisvc/i_finally_got_laid/
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How do you confuse an archeologist?

Give him/her a used tampon and ask them which period it came from .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbipq5/how_do_you_confuse_an_archeologist/
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I was in a line at my local post office this morning when

two masked men entered.
TOTAL PANIC.
Then they said...this is a robbery.
We all calmed down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbip6s/i_was_in_a_line_at_my_local_post_office_this/
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Free yoyos!

No strings attached!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbhzhd/free_yoyos/
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"There are Five Cows on a farm"...

One mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbhsen/there_are_five_cows_on_a_farm/
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Four men are in the hospital...

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbhrjg/four_men_are_in_the_hospital/
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Some people think the scrotum and the prostate are the same thing.

But there's a vas deferens between the two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbhqzt/some_people_think_the_scrotum_and_the_prostate/
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Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. ....

"One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbhn4w/mr_and_mrs_brown_had_two_sons/
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WHAT did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?

Close the door, I’m dressing..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbhj2m/what_did_the_mayonnaise_say_when_the_refrigerator/
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My daughter screeched,

"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"
What a strange way to start a conversation with me..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbhi3z/my_daughter_screeched/
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What did Vladimir Putin think to himself when he was finally relieved of his constipation?

Gladimhere Poopin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbh9dz/what_did_vladimir_putin_think_to_himself_when_he/
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My lazy no good son said he's going to run away from home.

I said good that'll be the first physical workout you've had in three years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbh8s9/my_lazy_no_good_son_said_hes_going_to_run_away/
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A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbgwzt/a_father_was_trying_to_teach_his_young_son_the/
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Someone asked a blind mexican man if there was anything he could not do

he replied:
“sí”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbgrkb/someone_asked_a_blind_mexican_man_if_there_was/
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Gandhi was a well-traveled man..

Unfortunately, the majority of these travels were taken on foot, causing his feet to build up an incredible amount of hardened skin
To make things worse, his minimalist diet (and eventually his age) led him to become very frail.
In light of this, he still offered a surplus of insight through his use of parables.
But above all, he was known for his horrible, horrible breath.
So in other words, I guess that you could say Gandhi was a Super-Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbghgl/gandhi_was_a_welltraveled_man/
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Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn’t see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbgh75/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_down_the_well/
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Why won't the shrimp share its treasure?

Because it's shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbggva/why_wont_the_shrimp_share_its_treasure/
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A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.
Edit 2: FOR FUCKS SAKES GUYS, I know I said that the first guy was wasting his money but please, stop this madness
Edit 3: after turning off comment notifications for obvious reasons I expected that I wouldn't have to worry about my phone vibrating so much, however it appears that you've found a way around that, as my phone vibrates every time I get an award. Please guys, let me sleep lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbgfzo/a_reddit_user_a_reddit_user_and_a_reddit_user/
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Why is it that Tom Cruise does his own stunts in every movie?

Because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbgfp2/why_is_it_that_tom_cruise_does_his_own_stunts_in/
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Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbg7q3/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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Did you hear about the Ironworkers who were arrested for selling drugs?

Yea, apparently those who smelt also dealt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbg285/did_you_hear_about_the_ironworkers_who_were/
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So i told a colorful joke to a guy who has seizures

I guess the joke was too good he died laughing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbfwrd/so_i_told_a_colorful_joke_to_a_guy_who_has/
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Stoner walks into a bar

A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar
Blunt force trauma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbfull/stoner_walks_into_a_bar/
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In the army they taught us to treat our women with duty and honor

But never get duty honor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbfcqj/in_the_army_they_taught_us_to_treat_our_women/
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn't find anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbf9p3/my_doctor_told_me_i_needed_a_brain_mri/
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iPad

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbf75q/ipad/
%
What did the lemon ask for when it was sick?

Lemon Aid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbf6ct/what_did_the_lemon_ask_for_when_it_was_sick/
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The golfer

At the golf course one Sunday, a golfer is about to putt, when a funeral procession turns the corner just off the course and begins to roll by. The golfer straightens up from his putter, takes his hat off, and holds it over his heart. He stands there silently like that, facing the procession until it passes. Then he bends over again and makes his putt.
"That was a very thoughtful gesture," a member of his foursome says to him as they walk towards the next tee.
"You are one compassionate guy."
"Thank you," replies the golfer. "We would have been married 25 years next Tuesday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbf60c/the_golfer/
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What's one form of communication God will never use to speak with you?

Fax

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbf5zf/whats_one_form_of_communication_god_will_never/
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How to define an erection

Different times, different measures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbf439/how_to_define_an_erection/
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My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbeye7/my_father_told_me_work_until_your_bank_account/
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If you are surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide

Imagine how surprised he must have been

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fberl2/if_you_are_surprised_that_jeffrey_epstein/
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When you boil a funny bone

You get laughing stock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbepot/when_you_boil_a_funny_bone/
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The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.
In the years he spent alone on the ship, he became adept at building small robots to help him complete his tasks. He formed relationships with the little bots, but he found he missed the companionship of real humans. He would take small stints in the cryogenic chambers in order to prolong his life, so as to complete his mission of getting his friends and family to their new home. He didn't want to wake anyone to take over his duties and suffer the loneliness of space travel. But a long life with no one real to talk to is lacking.
With his knowledge of robotics, he took it upon himself to build an artificial human. Something that looked real. Something that felt real. Something that would make the unbearable loneliness go away.
He didn’t feel right copying the likeness of any members of the sleeping crew, so he modeled the robot on himself. By the time he was done, there “he” was, a perfect replica of Jacques himself. He named the robot Jacques 2.0, because who else was there to get confused? And as he grew older, it would be easier to remember his own name, he figured.
Well, years passed as they are wont to do. He grew old and frail on the journey, but Jacques 2.0 remained young and spry, helping his creator to complete the tasks the old man’s bones could no longer handle.
As the old man lay dying, he asked his robotic companion to do him a favor. He wanted his remains to be scattered among the stars, the asteroids, and the comets they passed. He did not want to be buried on a planet he would never see, but instead live on in the vastness of space that had become his home. So when the day finally came, Jacques 2.0 sent his creator’s ashes out of the airlock and into the universe.
But the journey was not over. Jacques 2.0 carried on his creator’s duties for years and helped the crew arrive on their new home. As the ship grew close to the planet, the crew began to wake up. One by one they woke from their long sleep and travelled to the observation deck to see their new home. When they arrived, though, they found themselves in complete shock. There was Jacques, as lively and youthful as ever, waiting for them.
“How can this be?” They asked. “Surely, you would at the very least be an old, old man by now. It has been so long since we left Earth.”
Jacques 2.0 raised his hands slightly in a calming gesture and said, “Do not worry. I am here to send you a message of love and care from Jacques. I was created to help him complete his mission. I may look like him, but in truth, I am not him. For you see,” and with this he gestured towards the stars and space above their heads, “the real Jacques is in the comets.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbenz3/the_caretaker_of_a_generation_ship_was_on_his/
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The great thing about leap year jokes on /r/jokes...

...is that you only hear them repeated every 4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbeczr/the_great_thing_about_leap_year_jokes_on_rjokes/
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My girlfriend dumped me. Says I'm too hung up on getting revenge on people.

We'll see about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbea0v/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_says_im_too_hung_up_on/
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Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.
As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?"
"I won First Place!," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering" says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"I won first place too." answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest - Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Donald Trump ?" asked Pinocchio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbduv3/pinocchio_snow_white_and_superman/
%
A man had just accepted his new job as a door-to-door Bible salesman

and was introducing himself to his new co-workers.
It quickly became clear that the man had a severe stutter and the other workers began to make fun of him for it. But by the end of the week when the man had sold over 1,000 Bibles, the other workers were very impressed and stopped making fun of him.
"How did you manage to sell that many Bibles in a week?", they all asked the stuttering salesman.
"It's r-really s-s-simple," he said. " I just go up and kn-knock on the d-door and when th-they open it, I s-say, 'W-would you li-like to b-buy this Bi-Bible or d-do you w-want me t-to r-rea-read it t-to you?'"
(Not mine, but I thought it would be good to share it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbdunh/a_man_had_just_accepted_his_new_job_as_a/
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Shaking hands increases the risk of contracting Coronavirus

Michael J. Fox is fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbduco/shaking_hands_increases_the_risk_of_contracting/
%
I'll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.

It's my thirty second birthday after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbdogs/ill_be_celebrating_my_birthday_next_month_but/
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I’m sick of martial arts.

I have kung flu.
(Brought to you by my 8 year old)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbdmfj/im_sick_of_martial_arts/
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We should take all these terrible chemistry jokes

and barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbdm16/we_should_take_all_these_terrible_chemistry_jokes/
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A magical frog, a bear, and a rabbit

Once there was a magical frog in a forest. He woke up one morning and said to himself, “Today I’m going to be generous. I will grant 3 wishes to the first 2 animals I see.” He goes outside and he sees a bear. Soon after he sees a rabbit.
The frog calls over the bear and the rabbit, and he tells them, “I am going to grant you both 3 wishes. Bear what is your first wish, since you were the first animal I saw?”
The bear goes, “Hmmm... I want all of the bears in this forest, except me, to be female.”
With a click of the frogs tongue he replies, “Done. Now rabbit what is your first wish?”
The rabbit says, “I want an AWESOME motorcycle helmet!” Pooff an awesome motorcycle helmet appears on the RS it’s head and the rabbit is SUPER excited.
“Okay bear, now for your second wish?” The bear says, “Why would the rabbit wish for such a stupid thing? I want all the bears in this COUNTRY, except me, to be female.” “Done. Rabbit now you.” The rabbit goes “I want an AWESOME motorcycle!” Pooff a motorcycle appears and the rabbit is riding it around with his awesome helmet.
The bear says, “This is dumb. Why would the rabbit waste his wishes on stupid things like a motorcycle? For my last wish I want ALL of the bears in the WORLD, except me, to be female.”
“Done.”
The rabbit replies, “For my last wish... I want the bear to be gay.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbdjz4/a_magical_frog_a_bear_and_a_rabbit/
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What does a sea monster eat?

Fish and ships

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbd9pi/what_does_a_sea_monster_eat/
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Three Irishmen, Mick, Sean and Paddy.

Mick: "Women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive!"
Sean: "That's nothing, my wife's on a diet and she's not even fat"
Paddy: "That's fuck all, my wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm for a singles holiday and she hasn't even got a cock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbd5ks/three_irishmen_mick_sean_and_paddy/
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I never thought I'd have a fungal infection

But then it grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbd3wo/i_never_thought_id_have_a_fungal_infection/
%
How did hitler tie his shoes?

Little nazis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbczxf/how_did_hitler_tie_his_shoes/
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Did you hear Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving a blow job?

Apparently.
"The super colour lipstick makes the dicks go all atrocious"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbczjq/did_you_hear_mary_poppins_has_stopped_wearing/
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A depressed man walks into a bar

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"
"Yeah, I found out that my older brother is gay", the man replies.
Next day comes and the man returns to the bar, once again ordering six double brandy.
"What made you come back here?" asks the bartender. The man, in response, dejectedly said to him, "I found out that my younger brother is gay."
The third day comes, and the man returns, again ordering six double brandy. The bartender exclaimed, "Wow! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbcyem/a_depressed_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?

ME: Through the glass bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbcwbk/wife_trying_on_new_spectacles_how_do_i_look/
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After death of his wife

After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young woman ..
Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.
“I'm to pass time with you but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”
Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person.
The elderly man promptly acted on their advise and leased a room in house to a young tenant.
The friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, “How is your wife now?”
"She is not lonely at all, in fact she is happy and *She is pregnant*"
The friends laughed, as they expected this. “How is the tenant?” they asked.
The man replied very soberly
“She is also pregnant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbcvlp/after_death_of_his_wife/
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A woman's work is never done...

And that's why they get paid less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbcvck/a_womans_work_is_never_done/
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A Judge orders an Italian man to pay $10,000

Italian man: Why?
Judge: It's a fine.
Italian man: (quietly) It's a not...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbck1d/a_judge_orders_an_italian_man_to_pay_10000/
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I prefer it when doctors don’t sugarcoat stuff.

It helps because I’m diabetic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbcjcl/i_prefer_it_when_doctors_dont_sugarcoat_stuff/
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Why is a terrorist so good at sex?

Because he trains himself to blow things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbc9lr/why_is_a_terrorist_so_good_at_sex/
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Why do Russians put glasses on before applying for jobs?

So that vacancy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbc5p0/why_do_russians_put_glasses_on_before_applying/
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I just formed a grunge band and named it "1023 Megabytes"

... haven't gotten a gig yet though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbc2zy/i_just_formed_a_grunge_band_and_named_it_1023/
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My girlfriend is a metal fan

The last time when we had sex, she got turned on and chopped my dick off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbby29/my_girlfriend_is_a_metal_fan/
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On this bottle of mouthwash it said "Five times longer lasting"

So I rubbed some on my cock and gave the wife the best 60 seconds of her life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbbxwg/on_this_bottle_of_mouthwash_it_said_five_times/
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Why did the woodland creatures burn down the Hoover factory?

Because nature abhors a vacuum..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbbwur/why_did_the_woodland_creatures_burn_down_the/
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Man, 25, muscular, 9" phallus.

Seeking woman that doesn't objectify men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbbwsr/man_25_muscular_9_phallus/
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What is it called when you nut it in her mouth?

A kids meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbbosa/what_is_it_called_when_you_nut_it_in_her_mouth/
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Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.

Imagine all the people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbb9u8/coronavirus_update_everyone_at_john_lennon/
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Just finished reading a book entitled improve your constructive criticism

It was absolute shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbb8p1/just_finished_reading_a_book_entitled_improve/
%
What happened to the man that robbed the tissue factory

He got away snot free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbb85n/what_happened_to_the_man_that_robbed_the_tissue/
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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbb7tk/a_woman_goes_into_a_sporting_goods_store_to_buy_a/
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Why does youtube keep removing music instruction videos?

They get upset when you stroke A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbalks/why_does_youtube_keep_removing_music_instruction/
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Farting in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in.........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbahe1/farting_in_bed/
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It's not okay to make fun of menstruation

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fbaejk/its_not_okay_to_make_fun_of_menstruation/
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Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were prime mates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fba5uv/did_you_hear_about_the_monkeys_who_shared_an/
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Excited grandkids: “Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a noise like a frog?!”

Grandpa: “I guess so, let me try.
*Ribbet, ribbet.*
How was that, was it good enough for you?”
Excited Grandkids: “Hooray! Let’s go tell Dad!”
Grandpa: “What’s the big deal?”
Excited Grandkids: “Dad’s been saying ‘As soon as that old fart croaks we’re all off to DisneyWorld’. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fba3m8/excited_grandkids_grandpa_grandpa_can_you_make_a/
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What do you call a really big dildo?

A weapon of ass destruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fba01m/what_do_you_call_a_really_big_dildo/
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Closed Casket

An elderly couple were driving home from a wedding when they are involved in a head-on. The man is killed instantly, but the wife survives. The old lady explains to the funeral director that her husband had always wanted to be laid out in his good blue suit, but had been wearing it in the accident and it was obviously ruined. She gives the undertaker her husbands second favourite suit, a black one instead. The funeral director feels for her and decides to help her out.
On the day of the viewing, there is the husband decked out in a beautiful blue suit. His widow is delighted. She tells the undertaker that she can't afford to pay extra for it, but she is nonetheless extremely grateful. The undertaker replies, "it was no problem. We had another man in here with more or less the same build as your husband. He was having a closed casked funeral. So I just swapped the heads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb9zw9/closed_casket/
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My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb9tnc/my_cousin_who_stutters_was_sentenced_to_6_months/
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Why did the doctor angrily shut down his clinic?

He ran out of patients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb9r4l/why_did_the_doctor_angrily_shut_down_his_clinic/
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You would think that cannibals eat mansplainers rare.

They eat them well, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb9ozh/you_would_think_that_cannibals_eat_mansplainers/
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A little kid goes up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's a clitoris?" The dad, quite surprised, answers:

"Well listen son, a clitoris is a... uh - hmmm... Dang it! I forgot but I swear it was right on the tip of my tongue!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb9nua/a_little_kid_goes_up_to_his_dad_and_asks_dad/
%
A bus driver was heading down a street. He went right past a stop sign without stopping. Next he turned left where there was a "no-left turn" sign. Finally he went the wrong way down a one-way street. He didn't break any traffic laws. How?

He was walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb9jgg/a_bus_driver_was_heading_down_a_street_he_went/
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Don’t spell part backwards.

It’s a trap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb93va/dont_spell_part_backwards/
%
They say that a man who keeps his hands in his pockets...

Feels cocky all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb8z4n/they_say_that_a_man_who_keeps_his_hands_in_his/
%
When's a frogs birthday?

February 29th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb8usg/whens_a_frogs_birthday/
%
I watched two movies yesterday.

One was called Boomerang! and the other was Boomerang: The Return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb8qyr/i_watched_two_movies_yesterday/
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It’s been 4 years since my last job interview

I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb8oi0/its_been_4_years_since_my_last_job_interview/
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Did you hear about the man who broke his funny bone?

They soaked it in water and now it's a laughing stock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb8nvo/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_broke_his_funny/
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"What a terrible boyfriend!",

an old man said to his wife. A young straight couple was passing by their window in the rain, with the man hogging the umbrella.
"Yeah?" replied the wife, "Well, at least he gets his woman wet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb8knc/what_a_terrible_boyfriend/
%
I wanted to buy the first car

But I couldn't a Ford it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb8k0y/i_wanted_to_buy_the_first_car/
%
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because the paracetamol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb8fzl/why_is_there_no_aspirin_in_the_jungle/
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What a strange day indeed

What a strange day this has been: First I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb806a/what_a_strange_day_indeed/
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There’s a guy selling prosthetic limbs on my street.

He’s an arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb7xvz/theres_a_guy_selling_prosthetic_limbs_on_my_street/
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Your momma’s so ugly...

her blowjobs count as anal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb7wey/your_mommas_so_ugly/
%
In a small Jewish village, a man walks into the butcher shop.

He doesn’t look at the meat, and instead just mopes around, sighing. Eventually, the butcher is forced to ask, “Binyamin, what’s wrong?”
“Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it, but my son went to Jerusalem, and he came back a Christian!”
“You’re kidding?”
“No, I promise!”
The butcher slaps his hand to his head and says, “Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it, but *my* son went to Jerusalem, and *he* came back a Christian, too!”
“Well, what are we going to do about it?”
“I don’t know! I think we should go ask the rabbi, I bet he’d know!”
Later, they make their way to the temple, and tell him their story. They ask, “Rebbe Solomon, what should we do?”
The rabbi says, “Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it, but *my* son went to Jerusalem, and *he* came back a Christian!”
“This is insanity!”
“I know, I know!”
“What did you do?”
“Well,” the rabbi says, “in times of turmoil like this, sometimes the only thing you can do is turn to *HaShem* for His advice.”
Deep in prayer, they ask, “*Adonai*, what do we do about this conundrum?”
In a voice that shakes the temple, G-d replies, “My children, you are pure and righteous for turning to me for wisdom. Before I answer, may I tell you something?”
The rabbi says, “Yes, we would be honored to learn anything from You!”
G-d pauses for a moment, takes a deep sigh, and responds, “Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb7q2y/in_a_small_jewish_village_a_man_walks_into_the/
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I find it really funny when a couple says they're trying really hard for a baby

Like no shit, you can't try soft....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb7m90/i_find_it_really_funny_when_a_couple_says_theyre/
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I heard you lost your classical music CD.

But don’t worry. I got your Bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb7kpl/i_heard_you_lost_your_classical_music_cd/
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I have a question

Who's amber and why are they describing my car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb7fmq/i_have_a_question/
%
As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches

My doctor said it's my grains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb7dpb/as_a_wheat_farmer_i_keep_having_these_strange/
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What's the difference...

What's the difference between:
* a bunch of tortoises all going the same direction
> And
* A big pile of shit in the middle of the sidewalk?
---
One's a herd of turtles, and the other is a hurdle of turds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb6ziz/whats_the_difference/
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Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb6vd5/sexual_fetishes_are_getting_seperate_volume_in/
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Helen Keller walks into a bar.

And a table. And a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb6tla/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the cow cross the road?

To mooooove it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb6s30/why_did_the_cow_cross_the_road/
%
My buddy was trying to quit smoking...

...so I decided to help him out by making smoking seem terrible. I told him how smelly he was afterwards. I told him all the health statistics I'd read. I showed him pictures of diseased lungs. I think I finally got through to him when I soaked his cigarettes in gasoline. He was thrilled with me, I could tell. He didn't SAY so, but we're such good friends, I could just tell. His face just lit right up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb6rxp/my_buddy_was_trying_to_quit_smoking/
%
What does a gay chicken say when the sun comes up?

"Any-cock-'ll-do!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb6pda/what_does_a_gay_chicken_say_when_the_sun_comes_up/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb6i1a/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
My parents told me to start liking manlier things.

So I did and now I’m gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb6ghr/my_parents_told_me_to_start_liking_manlier_things/
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Success is like getting pregnant...

Everyone congratulates you, but no one knows how many times you got screwed to get there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb69b0/success_is_like_getting_pregnant/
%
My dog was walking a little weird but then I realised...

He had two left feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb68ym/my_dog_was_walking_a_little_weird_but_then_i/
%
Spin on a joke I posted here a while back.

OG JOKE:
My Dad Told Me This One, You Might Know It
3 men are on top of a cliff.  A mystical deity approaches them.
"I will grant you one wish, you just have to jump off the cliff!" His voice booms.
The first man,  being power hungry,  wished to be a lion,  king of the jungle.  He jumps off and screams "Lion!" And becomes one at the bottom of the cliff.
The second man, only wished to know the secrets of the world. He jumps off,  and screams "CROW!" And takes off into the sky.
The third man,  he wanted to protect anyone he could.  He runs to jump off, but trips and screams "SHHIIITTT!" The deity, never one to argue,  grants his wish.
Okay now back to the spin-off
A man and his girlfriend are on top of a cliff. A mystical deity approches them.
"I will grant you one wish, no matter what!" the deity's voice booms.
The man turns to his girlfriend and says "Quick! Wish for anything you'd want, I'll take it from there."
The girlfriend, skeptical, simply wishes for the world's largest diamond. Sure enough, right behind her a massive diamond appears.
The man kisses his girlfriend on the cheek and says "I wish to be with the person I'll truly love most for the rest of my life."
His girlfriend blushes and they begin to kiss…
then a rich girl with massive tits comes and picks him up in a helicopter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb67ja/spin_on_a_joke_i_posted_here_a_while_back/
%
A Canadian tells an American he's spelling everything wrong. The American responds:

no u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb669k/a_canadian_tells_an_american_hes_spelling/
%
What do you call two turtles f@#$ing?

A slow poke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb64q4/what_do_you_call_two_turtles_fing/
%
An elderly couple was having dinner at the diner where they had their first date.

The husband said, "it's so nice to be back here after all these years."
"Yes," agreed the wife, "do you remember our first date here 50 years ago?"
"How could I forget?" Answered the husband, "you took me behind that building there across the street and let me put you up against the fence where you gave me the best sex of my life!"
A policeman, who had been overhearing the conversation, nearly spit out his coffee.
"What do you say we do it again?" Suggested the wife.
"Oh, you naughty devil!" Replied the elderly man. He quickly asked the waitress for the cheque and took his wife by the hand, leading her across the street.
The police officer decided to follow them. He thought it was so sweet that a couple of their age could still be so attracted to one another and spontaneous.  He didn't want to ruin their moment but also wanted to make sure nothing bad happened to them, so he decided to keep half an eye on them from a distance.
But the officer could not have prepared himself for what he was about to see. The elderly man dropped his khakis as his wife lifted her dress and propped herself up against the chain link fence. The twisting, the turning, the acrobatics! They elderly couple were as spry and agile as any young couple in their 20's.
When the pair of old lovers were finally finished, lying on the ground catching their breath, the officer couldn't resist. He walked over and said,
"Beg your pardon. I couldn't help overhearing your conversation in the diner and wanted to make sure you were ok ... but please tell me your secret! I've never seen anyone make love with that much passion and enthusiasm, let alone a couple who has been married for as long as you have. Please, after 50 years of marriage, what is your secret?"
"There's no secret," answered the husband, "but 50 years ago that fence wasn't electric."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb6488/an_elderly_couple_was_having_dinner_at_the_diner/
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What do you call 12 naked dudes sitting on each other's shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb5vlf/what_do_you_call_12_naked_dudes_sitting_on_each/
%
Ball cleaner

I'm not going into detail, but the Dyson ball cleaner is VERY misleading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb5uy2/ball_cleaner/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb5tsf/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
What was Helen Keller's favorite color?

Corduroy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb5tpz/what_was_helen_kellers_favorite_color/
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Me: “Nice dog!”

Policeman: “Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.”
Me: “Still in training, huh?”
Policeman: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Never mind”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb5knk/me_nice_dog/
%
How does a butt hear?

It uses its rear drums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb5ki3/how_does_a_butt_hear/
%
What's the difference between a dance instructor and a doctor

How fluid they want your movements

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb5ixn/whats_the_difference_between_a_dance_instructor/
%
I traded my car to get my interest rates lowered

It worked, women are now less interested in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb5i7m/i_traded_my_car_to_get_my_interest_rates_lowered/
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i got the job

Employer : soo do you have any habits we should know about?
me : eem    i do crack
Employer : you do crack?
me : i do crack a joke now and then..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb5h1x/i_got_the_job/
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Two Leafs fans die and go to hell

The devil greets them at the gate and shows them to their new home. Having lived in northern Ontario their whole lives, the two men are excited to enjoy hell's warmer climate. They immediately shed a few layers and kick back with a couple cold beers. The devil, none too pleased with their enthusiasm heads down to the boiler room and ups the temperature in their room to 35°.
Later on, the devil goes to check on the two Canadians. Much to his dismay, he finds that they have thrown a party in their room. He storms back down to the boiler room and sets the temperature to 45°. This kills the mood pretty quickly and the party soon clears out. But the two men are still enjoying the warmest climate they've ever experienced. The devil, now furious, marches back down to the boiler room with one last trick up his sleeve: he shuts the heat down completely.
When he returns a little while later, he finds the two men in their natural habitat, bundled up in a few layers sharing their favourite hockey stories with some fellow Canadians they met at the party.
Then, everyone goes silent. The devil excitedly presses his ear to the door and peeps in. One of the men points to the centre of the floor and says "look!": frost was starting to form. It spread up the walls and across the ceiling, soon the floor was covered in a layer of sheet ice. The two men jump up and start celebrating like children.
The devil, furiously barges in and yells "WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY? WHY AREN'T YOU SUFFERING?"
"Hell froze over!" they replied, **"THE LEAFS WON THE CUP!!!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb551i/two_leafs_fans_die_and_go_to_hell/
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I can never go back

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his
help to revive her man's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy.
"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."
A week later Mrs. Murphy attends Surgery and the
doctor enquires as to how things went.
"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee.
The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
"What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb50pa/i_can_never_go_back/
%
You know what the worst virus will be?

One that prevents us from washing our hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb4xvm/you_know_what_the_worst_virus_will_be/
%
A man walks into a bookshop

He walks around and sees a particular notebook behind a counter that’s locked in a glass box
He asks the cashier what book that is and the cashier says he does not know and needs to get confirmation from the manager. The man asks him to do so.
Moments later, a tall, slender man with pale skin walks up to him claiming to be the manager. He tells the man that the book is actually a sacred relic which was uncovered during an expedition of some old ruins. The manager says that the book is priced at $1000 as to purposely ward of potential buyers.
The man insistently wants to buy the book although the manager warns him otherwise. At last, the manager agrees to sell him the book, but he warns the man of a curse that will befall him if the last page of the book were to ever be opened.
The man agrees and pays the $1000 then leaves with the book.
When he got home, he decides to leave the book opened on the table of his apartment while he goes and washes up. When he is done, he sees the pages of the book turning towards the end at a fast speed, it was at that point that he realized he forgot to close the windows.
He rushed over to the book in an attempt to close it but it was too late: The book flipped to the last page and the man moved back in shock...
“Fixed price: $3”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb4x4u/a_man_walks_into_a_bookshop/
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To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide, but you can't run...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb4txd/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_that_stole_my/
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Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.
”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
All of them board the train.The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was  a clever idea.
After the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money .When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.
”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb4oms/three_engineers_and_three_accountants_are/
%
A man walks into a bar

The man sits at the bar and orders 9 glasses of scotch
-That's a lot of scotch,are you celebrating something,sir?" asks the bartender
-It was my first blowjob. anwsers the man
-Oh,congratulations! So 9 glasses of scotch?"
-Yeah,this should help me get rid of the taste...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb4nu7/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.”
“I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”
“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “
Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”
“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.”
“Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”
“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.”
“Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb4khi/jims_car_is_swerving_all_over_the_road_so_a_cop/
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I was in a cab and the cab driver said “I love my job I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do”

Then I said: “turn left”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb4k3r/i_was_in_a_cab_and_the_cab_driver_said_i_love_my/
%
Dogs can't operate MRI scanners

But catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb489l/dogs_cant_operate_mri_scanners/
%
My parents told me to like manlier things more since I’m a guy.

So I did.
And that, kids, is how I fell in love with your father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb45so/my_parents_told_me_to_like_manlier_things_more/
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If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb3v5g/if_a_group_of_dolphins_is_called_a_pod_and_a/
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What do a hurricane and a Texas divorce have in common?

Someone's gonna lose a trailer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb3to6/what_do_a_hurricane_and_a_texas_divorce_have_in/
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Two gay men are playing hide and seek

One says to the other "If I find you, I'm gonna fuck you really hard" and the other replies "If you can't find me, I'm in the closet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb3rez/two_gay_men_are_playing_hide_and_seek/
%
Why do Mexican Vampires prefer Asians who have ticks?

They want that Corona and Lyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb348d/why_do_mexican_vampires_prefer_asians_who_have/
%
Two dogs walked into a bar....

As soon as the bartender saw them he said "Sorry, we don't serve dogs here".
The dogs replied with "I should hope you don't, this isn't China!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb31if/two_dogs_walked_into_a_bar/
%
I've been married for 4 happy years!

Out of 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb2yi7/ive_been_married_for_4_happy_years/
%
A sheep dog says "That's all 40 sheep." A shepherd says "What we only have 37??"

The sheep dog says "I know, i rounded them up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb2xlh/a_sheep_dog_says_thats_all_40_sheep_a_shepherd/
%
Do you know the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

You do not have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb2v67/do_you_know_the_difference_between_a_penis_and_a/
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My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.
He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people buy them, but I figured it was just a hobby and didn't think too much about it. I once asked him what he did for a living.
"Eggs," he said. "I sell Ukranian eggs."
For context, he drove a fancy car, took long holidays to exotic places, and generally seemed to be quite well off, so I was pretty surprised to hear he made all his money off of selling little dyed eggs out of his garden. They must have fetched pretty high prices...
One day I got home and there were police all around my neighbour's house. They'd arrested him. Turns out he'd been money laundering.
That egg stand? It was a shell corporation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb2v4x/my_neighbour_used_to_sell_ukranian_eggs/
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What do you call a town full of fat people?

Obecity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb2nsg/what_do_you_call_a_town_full_of_fat_people/
%
I really want a truck queue this weekend.

Oops, sorry, I meant for that to be a pickup line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb2d24/i_really_want_a_truck_queue_this_weekend/
%
What’s the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb28o7/whats_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
%
Albert Einstein was a doctor and scientist

So was his brother Frank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb26kx/albert_einstein_was_a_doctor_and_scientist/
%
I mostly don’t mind having a penis

But it can be hard at times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb22cl/i_mostly_dont_mind_having_a_penis/
%
Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?

Around the world in eighty days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb1vhq/which_is_coronavirus_favorite_novel/
%
As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.

I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb1v45/as_an_asian_man_i_have_always_wanted_to_know_how/
%
BREAKING: A dyslexic terrorist had stormed the zoo

He has taken 6 ostriches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb1t9h/breaking_a_dyslexic_terrorist_had_stormed_the_zoo/
%
Start with the punchline.

How do you tell a time travelling joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb1qok/start_with_the_punchline/
%
I'm giving up on my legs

They keep standing me up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb1ni4/im_giving_up_on_my_legs/
%
If the suffix -ist means expert of something

Then damn I must be a sadist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb1mqz/if_the_suffix_ist_means_expert_of_something/
%
What do you call it when someone rebels against their diabetes treatment?

Insulince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb1llu/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_rebels_against/
%
There is nothing wrong with sex on TV

...as long as you don't fall off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb1igx/there_is_nothing_wrong_with_sex_on_tv/
%
When people suffering from baldness go abroad, they often fly on...

..Receeding Airline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb1ict/when_people_suffering_from_baldness_go_abroad/
%
I went to my doctor because I had severe chest pain that wasn't going away

I freaked out when he couldn't figure out what it was and ended up referring me to a cardiologist.
The cardiologist ran some labs and scans and told me to wait for the results in his office.
I was relieved when the doctor came back with the results with a huge smile on his face.
I told him, "I'm going to be alright, yes?"
He replied with "You actually have severe coronary artery disease, and you will need a heart transplant that will cost you a little over a million dollars"
I was shocked, flustered so I asked him, "why were you smiling when you came in?"
He said, "I'm about to be rich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb1hns/i_went_to_my_doctor_because_i_had_severe_chest/
%
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb1ckh/the_police_asked_me_to_identify_what_they_thought/
%
A pregnant woman walks into a bank...

While in the bank a group of robbers come in and demanded everyone to hit the ground and the tellers empty the tills. When the lady couldn't get down fast enough one of the robbers panicked and shot her three times in her belly and caused her to collapse. When she woke up hours later she found the robbery had failed and she was in a hospital bed. A doctor came to her soon after and she asked about her baby.
"Good news." The doctor told her. "Not only is the baby in good health but you're actually having triplets. The three bullets however have been found in each of their stomachs. Thankfully they will live but in time they will each pass the bullet naturally so you have to explain what happened when it does."
A few months later the woman gave birth to three beautiful children, two girls and a boy. Years pass and the woman almost forgot all about the robbery until one day when the triplets were 13, she found her first daughter crying in fear.
"What's wrong sweetie?" She asked her daughter.
"I did a bad thing mommy. I was in the bathroom and I passed a bullet in the toilet." She told her mother.
The woman then remembered what happened all those years ago and carefully told her about it and that she did nothing wrong. The daughter calmed down and moved on. A week goes by and her second daughter comes up to her in tears.
"Mother I did a horrible thing." She said.
"Did you pass a bullet in the toilet?" The asked her second daughter.
Shocked to how she knew, the second daughter listened to the story about the robbery and calmed down. She too moved on from this.
Then a week later the son came to her in a panic.
"Mother I did a horrible thing!" He told her worried what would happen.
"Let me guess." The mother asked knowing what he was going to say. "You passed a bullet in the toilet?"
"No, I was masturbating and I accidentally shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb1cid/a_pregnant_woman_walks_into_a_bank/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because she hated when I quote The Lord of the Rings.

What can men do against such reckless hate?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb15lk/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_she_hated/
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I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb11js/i_accidently_sprayed_deodorant_in_my_mouth_today/
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A Child Asked To His Father....

"How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb0zp1/a_child_asked_to_his_father/
%
So I'm at Costa Coffee at the service area

and I order a latte and I pick up a slab of fruit cake, and I say to the check-out lady "Sorry, I only have a £20 note".
And she says "You'll have to put the cake back then love."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb0xxy/so_im_at_costa_coffee_at_the_service_area/
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How do you search for Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb0t6f/how_do_you_search_for_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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I bought oats for my horse but they were moldy so I returned them and told the manager he should have better quality control.

He took my feedback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb0ehx/i_bought_oats_for_my_horse_but_they_were_moldy_so/
%
An old Mob boss is on his deathbed.

He requests to see his 24 year old Grandson. He tells him, "Here grandson I want you to have this gun so you can remember me." The grandson not impressed says, "I don't care much for your gun although I love your beautiful Rolex watch grandpa."
Mob boss responds, "No child you need to listen. One day, you will come home tired after a long day to see your wife in bed with some guy. What are you doing to do, point to your Rolex watch and say - Times Up ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb0b49/an_old_mob_boss_is_on_his_deathbed/
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A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.
The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.
*Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.*
The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.
“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”
“Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.
“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”
“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb0b4d/a_mailman_notices_a_mailbox_with_the_flag_up/
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What is the difference between a magic wand and a police baton?

One is for cunning stunts and the other is for stunning cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb0ah5/what_is_the_difference_between_a_magic_wand_and_a/
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What has four eyes but can’t see

A blind person with glasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb03rc/what_has_four_eyes_but_cant_see/
%
King of dad jokes

*dad, to waiter* I can’t decide what to have. I’m pretty hungry but don’t want to spend a lot.
*waiter* Well, the chicken strips for $6...
*dad* I’m sure it does, but that doesn’t help me decide what to have for lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fb01er/king_of_dad_jokes/
%
Where do you find a peacock?

In between peanuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fazulh/where_do_you_find_a_peacock/
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I don’t have a girlfriend

But I do know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
RIP Mitch Hedberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faztus/i_dont_have_a_girlfriend/
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My grandpa was a WW2 veteran. He destroyed four planes and killed twelve men in one day.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faztl0/my_grandpa_was_a_ww2_veteran_he_destroyed_four/
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I just bought a car.

I'm now at risk for the Car-Owner Virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fazn6z/i_just_bought_a_car/
%
Beethoven’s grave

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.  When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."  He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."  Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faze9w/beethovens_grave/
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I know a friend who plays in a band...

He is saxually active.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faz69g/i_know_a_friend_who_plays_in_a_band/
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I'm thinking about starting up a neurodivergent, mermaid-themed parody band of AC/DC. It's gonna be called

OCD Sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faz5do/im_thinking_about_starting_up_a_neurodivergent/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fayf29/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faye5x/i_failed_my_shakespeare_test_because_i_forgot_to/
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What’s another name for a noisy body of water?

A creek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fay65w/whats_another_name_for_a_noisy_body_of_water/
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Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am

Independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fay0bf/turned_18_today_so_i_bought_a_locket_and_put_my/
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The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.
I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faxzbr/the_other_day_i_asked_my_mom_how_many_a_couple_was/
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In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop,

A woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a burly Indian Sardar who was standing behind her picked her up effortlessly by the waist and placed her gently on the steps of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the Good Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch me! I don't even know who you are!"
The Sardarji smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my jeans three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faxdph/in_a_crowded_new_york_city_at_a_busy_bus_stop/
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Vagina Jokes Aren’t Funny

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fax6qt/vagina_jokes_arent_funny/
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What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish?

A crab apple !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fawvxr/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_an_apple_with_a/
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Did you hear about the beehive bees can’t get out of?

I heard it’s un-bee-leaveable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fawu9j/did_you_hear_about_the_beehive_bees_cant_get_out/
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Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis

Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faweda/corona_beer_sales_falter_amid_corona_virus_crisis/
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Why did I get a divorce?

Well, last week was my birthday and my wife didn’t even say anything to me. My kids forgot too. I got to work and my friends and co-workers said nothing. I felt so alone and forgotten, until my secretary came up to me and said “happy birthday boss, can I take you to lunch for your special day?” It seemed so heartfelt, and perked me right up, so i agreed. After lunch she invited me back to her apartment, which i obliged. When we got there the lights were off and she asked if I minded that she went to her bedroom for a minute.
A few minutes later the lights come on and there is my wife, kids, boss and all my friends and co-workers with a cake, balloons and presents shouting “happy birthday,” and there I am waiting for them on the couch...naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fawdcz/why_did_i_get_a_divorce/
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An airline pilot, who didn't realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:

"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!"
That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit.
Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faw42q/an_airline_pilot_who_didnt_realize_his_microphone/
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"Do not touch"

Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faw3oc/do_not_touch/
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A psychiatrist goes into a room full of mentally ill people to check if some of them have become sane...

He takes a whiteboard pen and draws a door on the wall.
He says: "Those of you who think they are sane can now leave the psychiatry by using this door. All the people jump up from their chairs and furiously try to open the door - everybody but one.
The psychiatrist is relieved to see that one of his clients has become sane. So he asks him: "Why don't you try to open the door like all the others?"
The man leans in to him, giggling, and whispers: "They don't know that I'm the one who has the key!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faw1ip/a_psychiatrist_goes_into_a_room_full_of_mentally/
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Why is Santa always so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faw0t6/why_is_santa_always_so_jolly/
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An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/favzr3/an_elderly_couple_is_in_church_the_wife_says_to/
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Mickey Mouse wants a divorce from Minnie Mouse.

So Mickey Mouse is talking to his lawyer and his lawyer says, “I’m sorry Mickey, but you can’t divorce Minnie on the grounds that she is incredibly silly.”
Mickey replies “I didn’t say she’s incredibly silly, I said she’s fucking Goofy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/favhq3/mickey_mouse_wants_a_divorce_from_minnie_mouse/
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How do you know a joke isn’t a repost?

When it doesn’t reach the front page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fav3n7/how_do_you_know_a_joke_isnt_a_repost/
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A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn’t quite reach it.

The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked: “What now?”
The boy answered: “Now we run like crazy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fauztq/a_man_walking_down_the_street_noticed_a_small_boy/
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What is a necrophiliac pirate's favorite hobby?

Diggin' for booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fauzhs/what_is_a_necrophiliac_pirates_favorite_hobby/
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Why would Prometheus make a good postman?

... It involves a lot of *de-livering!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fauyqw/why_would_prometheus_make_a_good_postman/
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Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fauyln/astronaut_1_i_cant_find_any_milk_for_my_coffee/
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A young man moved into a new apartment

on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fauttm/a_young_man_moved_into_a_new_apartment/
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A little old lady walked into the Bank of Canada

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "it’s a lot of money." After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office. The bank president then asked how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000.00." and dumped the cash out of her bag on to his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she had come by all this cash, so he asked her, " Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, " I make bets." He then asked, " Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, " well for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha", laughed the president, " that’s a stupid bet. You could never win that kind of bet."
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square."The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is so much money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure" replied the president. That night, he became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror checking his balls, turning form side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer and repeated the bet. "$25,000 says the president’s balls are square." The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then he noticed the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have the bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faumd3/a_little_old_lady_walked_into_the_bank_of_canada/
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I was standing at a urinal earlier today and next to me was a midget also having a piss.

I noticed he was winking at me so I looked away, I turned and looked again and the little fucker was winking at me like crazy! Disturbed by this, I said: “Are you gay? Do u fancy me or something?”
He replied: “No you’re splashing in my fucking eyes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faukok/i_was_standing_at_a_urinal_earlier_today_and_next/
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Sexuality test

A friend of mine was tested to see if he was homosexual.
He failed the oral test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faujhs/sexuality_test/
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At the Airport check-in...

Airline staff: I’m sorry, the flight is full today. We couldn’t allot you guys nearby seats. Your seat number is 2A and your wife’s is 42D
Husband: Thank you very much, do I need to pay anything extra for this service?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faug3b/at_the_airport_checkin/
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I’m opening a coffee shop and adult novelty store.

I can’t wait until the next Friday when ‘Ground and Flicked beans’ finally opens to the general public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faufju/im_opening_a_coffee_shop_and_adult_novelty_store/
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Jack off...

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.
They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that they should lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.
In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water.
One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.
Manager: "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..."
Jane:"Well, jack-off. I've got a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faubxh/jack_off/
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Two rednecks are at work, digging a trench

Two rednecks, Billy and Bob, are at work digging a trench. The sun is beating down on them, sweat is dripping off their faces, and their hands are blistered from the shovels.
After slogging away at this for days, they start to grumble at the misery of their lot. Eventually Billy says to Bob, "Hey Bob, how come we are down here in this trench, working our butts off in the hot sun, while the manager sits up there in his air-conditioned tent?".
"Yeah, this is outrageous! We slave away, while he sits on his fat backside doing no work and getting more money!" Bob replies.
"I'm going to go up and have a word to him!" says Billy.
Billy climbs out of the trench, marches up to the manager's tent, and bursts through the flaps. "Boss," he cries. "How come Bob and I have to slave away digging that trench while you laze around here in this lovely air-conditioned tent?!"
The manager says to him, "Billy, it's like this you see. I am manager material. You and Billy are not."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Let me give you an example." The manager stands up and holds his hand in front of the metal pole holding up the tent. "Punch my hand as hard as you can."
Billy draws back his fist and strikes with all his might. At the last second the manager moves his hand and Billy hits the pole with a roar of pain. Chastened, he slumped back down to the trench.
"What happened?" Bob asked.
"It's like this, you see. He is manager material. We are not."
"What does that mean?"
Billy looked around for a pole, but in the trench there was none. So instead he held up his hand in front of his face. "Hit me in the hand as hard as you can."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fau8jz/two_rednecks_are_at_work_digging_a_trench/
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I'd like to thank my legs

For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fau7zr/id_like_to_thank_my_legs/
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I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire
The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket!
After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out that firearm wasn't registered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fau782/i_saw_a_woman_at_the_gas_station_pumping_gas_and/
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Don't get angry at lazy people

They didn't do anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fau10k/dont_get_angry_at_lazy_people/
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Why doesn't the sun go to university

Because it has 5 thousand degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fau04p/why_doesnt_the_sun_go_to_university/
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I hate pornstars

They're all a bunch of fuckers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fatxuj/i_hate_pornstars/
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What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

Revoked funding and an angry letter from the  Ethics Committee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fatxgb/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_cow_with_an_octopus/
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I'm super-thrilled to announce that I am now a member of the DNA!

You know, the National Dyslexia Association!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fatwwv/im_superthrilled_to_announce_that_i_am_now_a/
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I woke up to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fatuvj/i_woke_up_to_see_the_ghost_of_gloria_gaynor/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Well you see, it was deeply depressed. The road was fairly busy and it knew that being hit by a car would be the fastest way to go.
It was trying to get to "The Other Side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fathi5/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fatep3/ruin_a_quote_by_attributing_it_to_the_wrong_person/
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What do a prostitute and the titanic have in common?

They both go down on a boatload of people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fatdo9/what_do_a_prostitute_and_the_titanic_have_in/
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My ex called me angrily last night and said, “Are you fucking stupid?”

I said, “No. We broke up, remember?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fatde7/my_ex_called_me_angrily_last_night_and_said_are/
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- Would you accept $50,000 in exchange for the person you hate the most getting $100,000?

\- Sure! Why would I refuse $150,000?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fat4sm/would_you_accept_50000_in_exchange_for_the_person/
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A man is coughing immensely in a packed train.

Others are looking worried about it, and one of the passengers asks:
"Excuse me, do you have coronavirus?"
"No sir, I'm diagnosed with overt tuberculosis."
"Thank God", the others sigh in relief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fat30d/a_man_is_coughing_immensely_in_a_packed_train/
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"A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN"...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fat08x/a_worldwide_survey_was_conducted_by_the_un/
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Fred and Mary got married,

but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fasxzq/fred_and_mary_got_married/
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A Blonde and A lawyer.

A lawyer and a blonde are waiting at the airport next to each other.  The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game of Find the Answer.  The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.  The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.  " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.  The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."  This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.  "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"  The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.  He searches on the airport wifi, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.  After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fasxdf/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer/
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NSFW:My girlfriend told me to think outside the box...

So I pulled my head out of her vagina

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fasup9/nsfwmy_girlfriend_told_me_to_think_outside_the_box/
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why did you steal a car

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”
Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fassc7/why_did_you_steal_a_car/
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Everyone laughed when i told them I was going to be a comedian

Noone is laughing now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faskmu/everyone_laughed_when_i_told_them_i_was_going_to/
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My wife asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies.

So I stuck it up her arse and then came on her face while shouting "TAKE THAT, BITCH!".
From the look on her face I'd hazard a guess that we don't watch the same films.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fasidw/my_wife_asked_me_to_make_love_to_her_like_they_do/
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what do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards

A receding Hare-line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fasgjo/what_do_you_call_a_parade_of_rabbits_hopping/
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God is travelling around the world to spread his religon

He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere.
He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no.
He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The crowd begins to look at each other questioningly and a single man steps forward.
'How much do they cost?'
God replies, 'They're free.'
The crowd shouts back, 'WE'LL TAKE TEN!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fasg19/god_is_travelling_around_the_world_to_spread_his/
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A reporter interviews a farmer

A reporter is interviewing a farmer as a segment for her local news station. The interview goes like this:
"So tell me about these cows, what do these cows eat?"
"which one, the black one or the brown one?"
"the black one"
"that one eats grass"
"okay, what about the brown one?"
"that one eats grass"
"... Okay, how much milk do these cows produce?"
"which one, the black one or the brown one?"
"the black one"
"that one produces a few a liters a day"
"what about the brown one?"
"a few liters a day"
Frustrated, the reporter asks, "why do you keep asking which cow if the answer is the same for both?" The farmer responds "because the black one is mine". She asks "what about the brown one?", he responds "yeah, that one's mine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fas6os/a_reporter_interviews_a_farmer/
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My grandpa told me that he got to see the titanic and that from the beginning he told them not to get onboard because he knew it was going to sink

But no one listened and he repeatedly told them until the minute he got kicked out of the movie theater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fas698/my_grandpa_told_me_that_he_got_to_see_the_titanic/
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A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

“I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Mary’ written on it,” she said furiously. “You had better have an explanation.”
“Calm down, honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
“What was that for?” he complained.
“Your dog called last night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fas2iu/a_woman_came_up_behind_her_husband_while_he_was/
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They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m Dyslexic.

But to date I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they’re lovely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/farzsc/they_told_me_id_never_be_any_good_at_poetry/
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Old soldier

An old soldier went right after the duty to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whisky, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the soldier and asked him, "Are you a real soldier?"
The soldier replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life in the military, taking orders, being on exercises and missions abroad, I guess I am." After a short while, he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I've never been in the military so I'm not a soldier but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, work, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the soldier ordered another drink.
A man sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real soldier?"
The old soldier replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/farx8o/old_soldier/
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European mayors

An Italian, a Spanish, and a Greek mayor meet in Brussels and agree to pay a visit to each other.
In Italy they are welcomed in a brand new, nice and spacy mayor's house.
The Italian explains: "Do you see the bridge down there? Originally it was planned to be four laned, now there are two lanes and all works fine.
In Spain they pay a visit to the mayor's house there. It is spacier and more comfortable than the Italian one.
The Spanish mayor explains: "Do you see the bridge up there? Originally it was planned to be two laned. No we have one lane and traffic lights. All works fine."
In Greece they find a sort of castle as the mayor's residence. The Italian as well as the Spanish are very impressed, and ask, "How did you manage that?!"
The Greek mayor answers, "Do you see a bridge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/farv7f/european_mayors/
%
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

A depresso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faru0p/what_do_you_call_a_sad_cup_of_coffee/
%
Today this pervert offered me a taco to see me naked. So I replied...

What do I have to do to get a burrito?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/farnnc/today_this_pervert_offered_me_a_taco_to_see_me/
%
A newly wed couple were talking their new home

A newly wed couple were taking to their new home
Husband says "How about some flowers?"
The wife slyly mentions "Or Kids to help liven the place"
The Husband smiles and replys good idea
The next day, the husband brings home orchids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/farn7w/a_newly_wed_couple_were_talking_their_new_home/
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Don't worry, there are experts who are trained to deal with the coronavirus.

We call them coroners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/farlhd/dont_worry_there_are_experts_who_are_trained_to/
%
STOP CALLING ME A STONER!

I'm way too high to work in a quarry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fark05/stop_calling_me_a_stoner/
%
Took my shirt made from money to the laundromat today.

Got arrested for money laundering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/farhvp/took_my_shirt_made_from_money_to_the_laundromat/
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A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he brings it home, it fucks all of the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens.
Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later that day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures began circling overhead. The farmer says,"You deserved it, you horny bastard!". The cock opens one eye, points up and says they're about to land!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fareqp/a_farmer_buys_a_young_cock/
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My family was so poor, we lived in a toadstool.

There wasn't mushroom, but it was home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/far81d/my_family_was_so_poor_we_lived_in_a_toadstool/
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Two Hillbillies Have Lunch

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faqzdz/two_hillbillies_have_lunch/
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[NSFW]What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow

You can't milk a cow for 19 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faqy0a/nsfwwhats_the_difference_between_911_and_a_cow/
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Rabbits

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the little rabbit. After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the woods. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit. Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant. After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faqtv6/rabbits/
%
Never Date an Atom

They make up a bunch of stuff and then they split on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faqtue/never_date_an_atom/
%
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators

We haven't met yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faqqxv/last_year_i_joined_a_support_group_for/
%
If the wait is too long when you're standing in a queue

Just cough loudly and say "Damn ! it's getting worse since I got back from China"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faqq2d/if_the_wait_is_too_long_when_youre_standing_in_a/
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What would Jesus say if he was a drug addict?

"I need my crucifix"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faqc1z/what_would_jesus_say_if_he_was_a_drug_addict/
%
I hate my speech problems

I told a girl that she was "Boobiful"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faqbw4/i_hate_my_speech_problems/
%
I don’t mind having cold nipples

It has its perks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faqb8u/i_dont_mind_having_cold_nipples/
%
What do you call a Chamaeleon that can’t change its skin color?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faq4qd/what_do_you_call_a_chamaeleon_that_cant_change/
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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...
"Really?, youll do anything id like?"
"yes" she said "anything!"
"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"
"ok..."
"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"
"wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly.
"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"
she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.
"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"
"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...
She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fapvb6/a_shipwreck_only_scarlett_johansson_and_some/
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Why can’t a T-Rex clap its hands?

Because it's extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fapt2q/why_cant_a_trex_clap_its_hands/
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A friend of mine said that he wanted to see me in a hole in the ground filled with water

I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fapjy0/a_friend_of_mine_said_that_he_wanted_to_see_me_in/
%
A man tells his wife he’s headed to the golf course

Clearly annoyed, she says “this will be the third time this week you’ve gone golfing.”
“You sound like my ex-wife.” he says.
Surprised, the woman says “I didn’t know you were married before me.”
The man says “I wasn’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fapgvz/a_man_tells_his_wife_hes_headed_to_the_golf_course/
%
I get so nervous during earthquakes

that I start shaking uncontrollably

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fapa2a/i_get_so_nervous_during_earthquakes/
%
Loraina Bobbet died recently in a horrible car Accident

Supposedly some dick cut her off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fap9y1/loraina_bobbet_died_recently_in_a_horrible_car/
%
Have you heard of the latest Chinese car rip-off?

They're now producing the Toyota Corona

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fap8tb/have_you_heard_of_the_latest_chinese_car_ripoff/
%
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.

Sorry, that came out wrong.
Ahem.
So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faox6n/so_im_giving_up_drinking_for_the_next_month/
%
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?

The little pricks are on the outside of a cactus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faowxz/whats_the_difference_between_a_school_bus_and_a/
%
What do you call the President's submarine?

Whale Force One.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faomz0/what_do_you_call_the_presidents_submarine/
%
Bread is like the Sun

It rises in the Yeast and sets in the Waist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faojkg/bread_is_like_the_sun/
%
I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.

It was a touching story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faoak1/i_watched_a_documentary_about_a_man_who_grew_up/
%
My DNA tests came back. Turns out I'm mostly French and British.

No wonder I fucking hate myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fao2p4/my_dna_tests_came_back_turns_out_im_mostly_french/
%
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

then they call me ugly and broke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fao29z/women_always_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
%
How do you tell two half-siblings apart?

The difference is apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fao16h/how_do_you_tell_two_halfsiblings_apart/
%
A Mexican man had a job interview

Interviewer: How would you explain this 4 year work gap in your resume?
Man: That's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: Very impressive. You're hired.
Man: Thanks I really need this yob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fanyan/a_mexican_man_had_a_job_interview/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fanozl/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
Do not buy from monks

Do not buy flowers from monks
Only you can prevent Florist Friars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fanod2/do_not_buy_from_monks/
%
A church decides that god will protect them from the Corona Virus

As a result, **they all agree that they should not wear masks**, because they trust god so much. Weeks later, they all are infected and die from the virus.
They go to heaven and ask god, **"why didn't you protect us?"**
God responded **"that's what the masks were for you dumbasses"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fanm22/a_church_decides_that_god_will_protect_them_from/
%
If you don’t understand this joke about the coronavirus,

It’s okay- you probably won’t get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fankb0/if_you_dont_understand_this_joke_about_the/
%
Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad?

Because he loved the ranch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fane56/why_did_the_guy_want_to_ride_a_horse_while_eating/
%
Three wives

Three women are chatting, a French, an American and a Russian.
The French says: "After we got married, I told my husband right away that I was not going to cook, do dishes and laundry or clean the house. He disappeared, I didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with a housemaid. Now she does all that, and I just sit and relax all day long."
The American says: "Well, after we got married, I told my husband the same. Didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with some big appliance. Now it does all that automatically,  and I just sit and relax all day long."
The Russian says: "After we got married, I told my husband that I wouldn't do all that either. I didn't see him for a day, two, three. On the fourth day I was finally able to see something with my right eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fanbe0/three_wives/
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New Father Issues

A husband rushes into the hospital after being told his wife is giving birth.
The doctor meets him in the waiting room and hands him his newborn son.
"Congratulations on the birth of your son sir, but, I'm afraid your wife didn't make it." the doctor sadly informs him.
"Well," the husband says, handing back the baby, "how about you give me the one she DID make."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fan927/new_father_issues/
%
Did you hear about the midget psychic on the run from the police?

There’s a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/famy78/did_you_hear_about_the_midget_psychic_on_the_run/
%
Why did the thief go to the theater?

He wanted to steal the spotlight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/famqie/why_did_the_thief_go_to_the_theater/
%
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. But the lightbulb has to really WANT to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/famozn/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example."
"Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"Fag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/famm9v/the_logical_redneck/
%
Do you know what they say about irrelevant people?

Not much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/famjcg/do_you_know_what_they_say_about_irrelevant_people/
%
The sign in my hotel room said, "Not responsible for stolen items."

So I stole some stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/famgm9/the_sign_in_my_hotel_room_said_not_responsible/
%
What’s it called when a donkey kicks you?

Ass-ault

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/famfk3/whats_it_called_when_a_donkey_kicks_you/
%
Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish?

It's just pokemon...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fambb2/have_you_heard_about_the_new_japanesejamaican_raw/
%
What happened when Sir Lancelot met Arthur's queen, Guinevere?

He Camelot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fam8bo/what_happened_when_sir_lancelot_met_arthurs_queen/
%
I was disgusted when my buddy told me he had masturbated to the Holocaust movie, Schindler’s List, so I asked him how in the hell he could possibly have felt okay doing that.

He looked at me curiously and said, “What do you mean? There was that one shower scene.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fam4m9/i_was_disgusted_when_my_buddy_told_me_he_had/
%
I got caught up far too late in a great book last night.

I was up coloring til after 2am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fam0h5/i_got_caught_up_far_too_late_in_a_great_book_last/
%
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/falv9n/why_couldnt_the_sailor_play_cards/
%
What do you call a trendy Australian?

An in-mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/falui5/what_do_you_call_a_trendy_australian/
%
What did the body builder say when someone stole all his protein powder?

No Whey! Not a gain!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/falsl4/what_did_the_body_builder_say_when_someone_stole/
%
Oral sex can make your day

But anal sex can make your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/falorf/oral_sex_can_make_your_day/
%
How heavy is the world's heaviest dumpling?

won ton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/falkuk/how_heavy_is_the_worlds_heaviest_dumpling/
%
What do you call a guy with no body or nose

Nobody knows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faljuc/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_body_or_nose/
%
Last week I got a haircut

I didn't like it at first, but it's growing on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/falint/last_week_i_got_a_haircut/
%
Did you know drinking age for beer has been lowered?

Now you can get Corona even if you're under 21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fal9i9/did_you_know_drinking_age_for_beer_has_been/
%
When you think about a blackboard for long enough you realise something.

It truly is remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fal3tb/when_you_think_about_a_blackboard_for_long_enough/
%
After spending a semester of my engineering degree studying the construction of the channel tunnel.

I can reveal it was dug by a huge boring machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fal31z/after_spending_a_semester_of_my_engineering/
%
What do you call new underwear?

Unsharted territory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fakz3n/what_do_you_call_new_underwear/
%
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.  He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"  The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."  There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.  Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fakyf1/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
An English man is sat in a Spanish restaurant in Spain...

He sees a Spanish man at another table get served a plate with some amazing food, the main part of which is two massive meatballs.
He asks the waiter for the same dish,
“I’m sorry senior, we only get that once per day after the bullfight, it is the testicles of the bull after he is killed and is a delicacy”
The man says he will be back the following day and will pay double as it looks TRUELY delicious!
The following day, he returns and is served the same delicious looking garnish but the meatballs are tiny
He asks the waiter what’s the deal?
“Well senior, sometimes the bull? He win”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faksvi/an_english_man_is_sat_in_a_spanish_restaurant_in/
%
Why couldn’t the melons run off and get married?

They cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fakobd/why_couldnt_the_melons_run_off_and_get_married/
%
What’s the difference between a Porcupine and a BMW?

The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faklmq/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
%
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number

I told her we use names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fakju2/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_for_my_number/
%
Someone threw a bottle of mayo at me

I was like what the Hellman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fakiky/someone_threw_a_bottle_of_mayo_at_me/
%
One of my friends works at a can crushing factory

He says it’s soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fakb9m/one_of_my_friends_works_at_a_can_crushing_factory/
%
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away.

Plus, you have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fakakz/before_you_criticize_someone_walk_a_mile_in_their/
%
Forget everything you learned in college...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fak8rs/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college/
%
"The secret to getting practically any girl into bed," my friend said, "is to put a potato in your underwear."

Yeah. Great. Except he didn't say it needs to go in the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fak19a/the_secret_to_getting_practically_any_girl_into/
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The 3 Construction Workers

3 construction workers are sitting on the edge of a high rise they're helping to build, having lunch.
The first one, Alfredo, opens his lunchbox to find spaghetti.
"Mama Mia! Itsa spaghetti again! Ifa I see more spaghetti tomorrow, I'ma gonna jump off anda die!"
The next one, Juan, opens his lunchbox to find it's tacos.
"Holy frioles! Tacos again! If there's tacos een my box tomorrow, I'll jump too!"
The last one, Billy Bob, opens his box to see it's bologna sandwiches. "Fuck! Bologna sandwiches again! If I get bologna tomorrow, I'll jump with you two guys!"
The next day, Alfredo opens his box and sees spaghetti. Without a word, he jumps off the building. Juan checks his box and sure enough, it's tacos. He jumps off right behind Alfredo. Billy Bob looks in his box and sees bologna sandwiches. He tosses the box and leaps off after the other two.
Days later, the men's wives are gathered in their grief.
"If only I had known Alfredo didn't want spaghetti, I could have made him a nice stromboli, anda he woulda still be here!”
"Eef Juan had told me he didn't want tacos, I good have made heem a nice enchilada, and he would steel be here!”
"Well, I don't know what the fuck to think. Billy Bob fixed his own lunches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fak11l/the_3_construction_workers/
%
I tried out for a porno once, but I didn’t get the part...

A lot of stiff competition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fak0sk/i_tried_out_for_a_porno_once_but_i_didnt_get_the/
%
What do you call an American parralelogram ?

A  parralelo-ounce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fajwut/what_do_you_call_an_american_parralelogram/
%
What do you call a retired miner?

Doug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fajrtu/what_do_you_call_a_retired_miner/
%
I think that China is lying about how many people died from corona virus

They always show the same person when there's new cases

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fajqsy/i_think_that_china_is_lying_about_how_many_people/
%
Scotland recently became the first country to offer free sanitary products to all women.

Makes sense since all their politicians are just self-serving cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fajmg6/scotland_recently_became_the_first_country_to/
%
movie with son

I watched a movie with my son in which an erotic scene appeared.
\- OK, I think it's time you went to bed.
\- Dad, I'm 18 years old.
\- I don't care how old you are, you will not watch me jerking off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fajktm/movie_with_son/
%
The Apollo mission crew planted an American flag on the moon, but UV radiation has since turned it completely white,

So now it’s a French flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fajitj/the_apollo_mission_crew_planted_an_american_flag/
%
An old man sought out a doctor for a sperm count...

The doctor gave him a sample pot and said:
"Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample."
The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained:
"You see, doc, this is how it went: first, I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with her left one, but nothing. Next she tried with her mouth - first with her teeth, then without them, and nothing. We even called our neighbor and she also tried. First with both hands, then with her armpit and lastly, squeezing it between her knees, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked:
"You asked your neighbor for help?!"
"Yes, doc. But neither of us could open the damn pot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fajau6/an_old_man_sought_out_a_doctor_for_a_sperm_count/
%
An Englishman is sat on a park bench in Dublin watching 2 council workers.

One of them digs a hole, then they both lean on their shovels and look at it for a minute or two. Then the second one fills the hole in and they move on a few meters and repeat the process.
After he's watched them do this 4-5 times the Englishman goes up and asked them what they're doing.
The workers reply "there's normally 3 of us, but the guy that puts the trees in called in sick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faj909/an_englishman_is_sat_on_a_park_bench_in_dublin/
%
My Dad always said...

... that the first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more.
Great bloke.
Terrible anaesthetist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faj7e3/my_dad_always_said/
%
My wife says...

... she's fed up with the way I treat everything like I'm in a TV detective show.
She said "I think we should split up."
I said, "Great idea... We can cover more ground that way..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faj6qj/my_wife_says/
%
TIL that "A Tale Of Two Cities" was originally serialised in two local newspapers in England.

It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faj05y/til_that_a_tale_of_two_cities_was_originally/
%
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette on an island.

They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faiudk/there_was_a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_on_an/
%
/u/username goes to the grocery store....

username checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fainsr/uusername_goes_to_the_grocery_store/
%
What's an egg's least favorite dance?

Break dancing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faiewk/whats_an_eggs_least_favorite_dance/
%
I finally figured out a method that works to make my penis 8 inches long.

I folded it in half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fai4fh/i_finally_figured_out_a_method_that_works_to_make/
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Stalin tells a joke

Stalin decided to tell a joke one day. He gathered his faithful people to the red square and proclaimed that He would now tell a glorious joke. HIS people were curious and said:”well comrade Stalin what is it?”. Stalin, with a straight face said: “Food”. The people were puzzled and said: “Comrade Stalin...we don’t get it”. And so Stalin with a smile replied: EXACTLY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fahsfh/stalin_tells_a_joke/
%
An English man, a French man, a Cuban Man and an Indian man are in a train carriage.

The French man takes out a bottle of very expensive wine, has one sip, and throws it out the window.
The English man says "why did you do that? " and the French man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless.
A few minutes later the Cuban man takes out a very fancy cigar, has one puff and throws it out the window.
The English man says "why did you do that? " and the Cuban man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless.
A few minutes later, the English man throws the Indian man out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fahpb1/an_english_man_a_french_man_a_cuban_man_and_an/
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If you could choose between a fantastic woman or a fantastic car...

would you choose petrol or electric?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fahget/if_you_could_choose_between_a_fantastic_woman_or/
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Three men were at the gates of heaven

There was only room for one person. St Peter asked each of them how they died, and the best story got through.
Man 1: I was adamant my wife was cheating. I came up to my apartment on the 24th floor and walked in, only to find my wife by herself. I was pleasantly surprised until I saw a man hanging off the edge of the balcony by just his fingers. I went over to him with a hammer and hit his hands until he let go. He fell in some bushes, and was still alive, so I grabbed my fridge and lifted it over the edge so it would fall on him. And after all that heavy lifting, I died of a heart attack.
“Oh that is terrible”, said St Peter as he turned to the next man, “what about you?”
Man 2: well I was on my 25th floor balcony doing some yoga and I fell over the edge! I was hanging on by just my fingers when I saw a man coming over, I was so relieved! But then he started hammering my fingers and I fell in a bush. I was alive but very sore. He then threw a fridge over the edge on to me, and here I am”
“That is just terrible,” said St Peter. “What about you?” He asked man number 3.
Man 3: “Well I was hiding in a fridge”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fahcvf/three_men_were_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
%
Have you ever had sex in a camping site?

It's fucking intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fah9na/have_you_ever_had_sex_in_a_camping_site/
%
A man sits on a plane...

Stewardess comes by and asks the man; “Would you like anything to drink?”
The man hesitates and responds; “What are the options?”
The stewardess looks the man into the eyes and says; “Yes or no...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fah5tr/a_man_sits_on_a_plane/
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How do you stop an argument between deaf people?

Turn the light off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fah2xn/how_do_you_stop_an_argument_between_deaf_people/
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Two men are walking along the road

And they come across a dog, sitting on the sidewalk licking his balls.
One man says to the other, "Boy, I'd sure like to be able to do that."
The other man says "Well, okay, but I suggest you pet him first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fagxh9/two_men_are_walking_along_the_road/
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The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost.  Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her!  Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote.  In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the poor creature.  Shocked beyond words, the woman went around the man as quickly as possibly and drove on.
Speeding toward some lights in the distance, she discovered a bar with a sheriffs  car parked outside.
"It figures", she thought, and resolved to go inside and file a complaint.  On a rocking chair near the door, an old man was sitting and masturbating openly.  Horrified, she stomped into the bar and straight away went up to the sheriff, who was sitting at the bar.  She shouted at the sheriff:
"What sort of town are you running here?!  You've got people running around the desert fucking coyotes, and- and just outside there was an old man masturbating openly!  How can you explain this?!"
The sheriff sipped his beer and said, "Ah well, you can't expect him to catch a coyote at his age"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fagpoz/the_worst_joke_i_can_remember_nsfw_warning_this/
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During Soviet times, an elderly woman was waiting for the bus.

When it finally arrived she exclaimed "Finally, glory to God!" The driver said, "Comrade, you must not say that. You must say 'Glory to comrade Stalin!'." "Excuse me, comrade," the woman replied. "I'm just an  ignorant old woman. From now on I'll say what you told me to." After a while, she continued: "Excuse me, comrade, for I am old and  ignorant. What shall I say if, God forbid, Stalin passes away?" the driver chuckled "Well, then you *may* say, 'Glory to God!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fagoqj/during_soviet_times_an_elderly_woman_was_waiting/
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A hunter goes off into the woods

And he finds a bear. He raises his gun, shoots and misses!
The bear gallops over, bends the hunter over and fucks him in the ass.
The hunter leaves the woods with his ass sore as hell.
The hunter returns the next day and after some lookin he finds the bear. He raises his gun, shoots and misses again!
The bear gallops over, bends the hunter over and fucks him in the ass.
Once again, the hunter leaves the woods even more sore, raw and bow legged.
The hunter goes back into the woods once more and again finds the bear. He raises his gun, shoots and misses yet again.
The bear gallops over, grabs the man and says:
“You’re not really coming out here for the hunting, are you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fagm9e/a_hunter_goes_off_into_the_woods/
%
I think I've got a summary fetish...

...I can't stop coming to conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faggif/i_think_ive_got_a_summary_fetish/
%
A wife is yelling at her housband “Get out! I hate your guts!”

So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door.
As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!”
He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fag72w/a_wife_is_yelling_at_her_housband_get_out_i_hate/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fafzud/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
How to avoid the corona-virus

Eat garlic. Lots of garlic.
It won't do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fafza3/how_to_avoid_the_coronavirus/
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Three explorers: one from England, one from France, and one from New York went into the jungle...

One day on their journey a group of native tribesmen found and captured them. After being taken to the camp of these natives, the explorers were brought to the chief of the tribe.
He told the explorers. "For trespassing on land sacred to our people, you are to be killed and your skins turned into boats for travel across the waters. However, as a sign of respect I will let each of you choose the way you shall die so you may have some shred of dignity in death."
The three explorers were given a few minutes to decide before they each asked the chief for what they wanted to use to kill themselves.
The Englishman asked for a gun.
The Frenchman asked for a glass of poison.
The New Yorker asked for a fork.
First, the Englishman took the gun, said "God save the Queen." Then shot himself in the head.
Second, the Frenchman took the glass of poison, said "Viva la France." Then drank the glass and fell dead.
Lastly, the New Yorker took the fork, and started stabbing himself repeatedly over and over in the stomach and said. "HA! make a boat out of this Motherfuckers!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fafxrf/three_explorers_one_from_england_one_from_france/
%
Me and the Mrs were sat watching a film

on the telly when all of a sudden the bloke lifts the woman onto the kitchen counter and starts to make love to her.
"Yeah, right, " said the wife, " as if that happens"
"I totally agree, " I replied, "the only thing that ever gets fucked in our kitchen is the food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fafvzh/me_and_the_mrs_were_sat_watching_a_film/
%
I just put my vacuum cleaner on eBay

Well, it was just collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fafr0i/i_just_put_my_vacuum_cleaner_on_ebay/
%
I MARRIED A FEMALE MIME🇨🇦

She could never tell me what she felt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fafpyq/i_married_a_female_mime/
%
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

**Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road**
**when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who**
**asked, "Are you okay"?**
**As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with**
**cleavage to die for...**
**"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the**
**car to get a closer look.**
**She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage**
**that nasty scrape on your head."**
**"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like**
**me doing that!"**
**"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have**
**any more scrapes and then treat them properly."**
**Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken**
**and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."**
**We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a**
**couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I**
**feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so**
**I'd better go now."**
**"Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't**
**know anything. By the way, where is she?"**
**"Still in the ditch, I guess."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faffqb/while_riding_my_harley_i_swerved_to_avoid_hitting/
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I've been holding off on reading this book about clocks

But I think it's about time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faexra/ive_been_holding_off_on_reading_this_book_about/
%
A woman goes to her psychiatrist and starts to complain.

-"I don't want to get married. I am an educated, independent woman and I am happy by myself. I don’t need a husband, but my parents insist me to get married. What should I do?"
The psychiatrist : "You, no doubt, will achieve  wonderful things in life. But at some point, some things will not occur as you expected. Some things will go wrong. Sometimes you fail. Sometimes your plans don't work. Sometimes your wishes won't come true. Who will you blame at that moment? Will you blame yourself?"
Woman: "No! Absolutely NOT!"
The psychiatrist : "YES. That's why you need a HUSBAND! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faewag/a_woman_goes_to_her_psychiatrist_and_starts_to/
%
Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.
The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?”
“What are you doing?” the cop asked.
“Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.”
Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?”
“I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded.
“How old are you?” the cop inquired.
“I’m 22, Officer.”
“And the girl—how old is she?”
The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faew43/late_one_night_a_police_officer_was_patrolling_a/
%
What would you call a jury that takes risk?

Juris-imprudence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faew1r/what_would_you_call_a_jury_that_takes_risk/
%
If you make a Dad joke and you don't have kids...

Does that make you a faux pas?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faeuat/if_you_make_a_dad_joke_and_you_dont_have_kids/
%
I'm trying to figure out how to be intimate with my new girlfriend who doesn't have any hands, but...

I'm stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faet5a/im_trying_to_figure_out_how_to_be_intimate_with/
%
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one – and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faekh0/police_arrested_two_kids_yesterday_one_was/
%
Harry Potter walks into a bar.

Because I put them on his bedroom window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faeg05/harry_potter_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What shoes do linguists wear?

Converse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faeb9a/what_shoes_do_linguists_wear/
%
What does the Alaska police say in a interrogation

Alaska questions here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faeb0q/what_does_the_alaska_police_say_in_a_interrogation/
%
I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector.

All the beeping was giving me a headache and making me sleepy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fae7zc/i_had_to_take_the_batteries_out_of_my_carbon/
%
So a clumsy comedian walks into a music shop...

#BA DUM TSS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fae7a3/so_a_clumsy_comedian_walks_into_a_music_shop/
%
I went to the zoo today, but all they had was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fae4lj/i_went_to_the_zoo_today_but_all_they_had_was_a_dog/
%
So a drug dealer is being raided..

The police storm in, securing all the rooms in the house. One kicks open the bathroom door and catches a guy standing next to the toilet with a baggie full of cocaine.
"Freeze, asshole!" The cop shouts, aiming his gun at the guy.
"Ok, ok. You got me" the guy says, "but you need to listen for a sec. There's something weird going on here."
"Everytime I try to flush this bag, a scaly green arm reaches up out of the toilet and tosses it back on the floor."
The cop scoffs at the guy, "Man, what the fuck have you been smoking?!"
"I'm serious, man. I've been trying for the last 10 minutes. You gotta believe me!" The guy pleads.
The cop considers for a minute, the replies, "Ok. Try it. Let's see it."
So the guy flushes the bag of dope. After a few seconds, when nothing happens, the cop goes,"Well, wise-ass? Where is it?"
The guy shrugs. "Where's what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fae47r/so_a_drug_dealer_is_being_raided/
%
Divorce court judge: "Sir, I'm awarding your wife $650 a month alimony."

"That's great, your honor. And I'll send her a little something too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fae3v2/divorce_court_judge_sir_im_awarding_your_wife_650/
%
What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!
Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fadyfw/what_did_people_say_when_the_inventor_of_the_dry/
%
A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finished and for her to have a look. The woman looks down between hers legs and while the tattoos are good she isn't quite sure they look like Jon and Richie. She asks the tattoo artist, "Are you sure they look like them?"
Tattoo artist says, "Of course. That's just some swelling and redness. Once that passes it will look just lime them."
Satisfied, the woman leaves the shop. As she's walking home she walks past an alley and sees a homeless man and decides to get his opinion. She walks up to the disheveled and clearly intoxicated bum and pulls up her skirt and thrusts her crotch in the bum's face and says, Can you have a look and tell me who these two men are?" The bum leans in real close and first looks closely at the left thigh, then the right, then back and forth for a few minutes then sits back and says, "I'm not certain about the guy on the left. And I'm not really sure about the right one either but the guy in the middle with the long red beard and bad breath, well that's
Willie Nelson!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fadshp/a_redhead_walks_into_a_tattoo_show_wearing_a/
%
Masturbation is a touchy subject...

...whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fadqzt/masturbation_is_a_touchy_subject/
%
I think EA should be in charge of handling the corona outbreak..

They already erased one Pandemic successfully.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fadp83/i_think_ea_should_be_in_charge_of_handling_the/
%
What do a Priest and an Olympic Silver Medalist have in common?

They both came in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fadp0l/what_do_a_priest_and_an_olympic_silver_medalist/
%
Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

To get to the same side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fadmio/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_mobius_strip/
%
I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away...

I don’t even touch it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fadgiw/im_thinking_of_throwing_my_theremin_away/
%
John and Harry are walking in the desert when John is suddenly struck on his penis by a rattlesnake...

“What do we do?!” John yells in excruciating pain.
Harry grabs his cell from his pocket “Hang in there, I’ll call the doctor and ask!”
The doctor tells Harry: “First, you need to remain calm. Panic will only worsen the situation. Now, cut a 1/4” incision and carefully suck the venom out, spitting it out immediately as it enters your mouth.”
John, writhing on the ground in pain, cries out “What did he say, Harry? What did he say?!”
Harry looks at John with a look of concern: “He says you’re going to die, John...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fadfcr/john_and_harry_are_walking_in_the_desert_when/
%
A Jewish woman is talking to her doctor after giving birth.

"We have a strange situation here," the doctor states. "Your son was born without eyelids. But there's an experimental procedure we can try. After the circumcision, we can take the leftover skin, and make him a new set of eyelids."
"Won't that make him cockeyed?"
"Sure, but think of the foresight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fadato/a_jewish_woman_is_talking_to_her_doctor_after/
%
They just offered me sex in exchange for advertising a new detergent brand, can you believe it?

Of course I did not accept, because my will is strong, as strong as the new Axion liquid cleaner, the only true grease and stain remover, now with a new and irresistible vanilla-cherry scent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fadafy/they_just_offered_me_sex_in_exchange_for/
%
I asked a patient who has alzheimers,”for how long have you had alzheimers “. He replied-

“As long as I can remember “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fad8rt/i_asked_a_patient_who_has_alzheimersfor_how_long/
%
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fad64r/a_blonde_woman_asks_for_a_5000_loan/
%
How did the wave feel?

Swell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fad29w/how_did_the_wave_feel/
%
How does the blind man know his backside is clean after a no.2

When his service dog stops licking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faczge/how_does_the_blind_man_know_his_backside_is_clean/
%
Don't get mad at lazy people.

They didn't do anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/facqvv/dont_get_mad_at_lazy_people/
%
I spent twenty minutes trying to remember what the opposite of night was

In the end i had to call it a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/facmaz/i_spent_twenty_minutes_trying_to_remember_what/
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Today i watched the news and saw that my nearest mechanic was a drug seller.

That's horrible, so many years being a client and only today i realized he could have repaired my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faccss/today_i_watched_the_news_and_saw_that_my_nearest/
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What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/facclm/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
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How do you greet someone a day after a funeral?

Good mourning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/facc7q/how_do_you_greet_someone_a_day_after_a_funeral/
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A man visits a female doctor

He is feeling very awkward about it and she notices. She is quick to assure him she is a professional and there is nothing to be ashamed.
“You don’t understand doctor. I’m so ashamed of my body, and the problem is... er... in my lower parts. If you were to laugh, I would die of shame.”
“You don’t need to be afraid, I’ve been working with male patients for ten years, please show me the problem, I swear I’m not going to laugh”
He drops his pants and shows here the tiniest dick she has ever seen. It was so small that she couldn’t help but laugh aloud. Mortified, the patient reaches for his pants and she panics.
“I so, so sorry sir. Please, I beg you to forgive me. I promise you I won’t laugh anymore, I swear. I’m a professional and I can’t let this be the end of my career.”
The patient reluctantly agrees not to leave the office. She gathers herself and with her most professional tone asks:
“So, what’s the problem with you member?”
“Can’t you see it’s swollen?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fac99a/a_man_visits_a_female_doctor/
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How do you get a farmer’s girl to like you?

A tractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fac25m/how_do_you_get_a_farmers_girl_to_like_you/
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Why don't libraries offer books on suicide?

Because they're never returned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faby6n/why_dont_libraries_offer_books_on_suicide/
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The marketing guys at Corona don‘t know what to do next

Now that their campaign went viral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fabwv2/the_marketing_guys_at_corona_dont_know_what_to_do/
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What do you feed the son of god?

Cheeses of Nazareth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fabl36/what_do_you_feed_the_son_of_god/
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Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fabhtj/dad_is_listening_to_his_daughter_say_her_prayers/
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An airplane was about to crash..

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”
The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you.
America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fabhc2/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash/
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Did you hear about the band called "1023MB" ?

The haven't had any gigs yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fabdwy/did_you_hear_about_the_band_called_1023mb/
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And God said to John, come forth and I will grant you eternal life.

John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fabdhq/and_god_said_to_john_come_forth_and_i_will_grant/
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A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe...

The man orders 2 beers, one for him and one for  the giraffe. After a while the man goes back up to order another 2 beers and, still gives one to his giraffe and one for himself, this continues throughout the night.
As the bar closes the man gets up to leave, when suddenly his pet giraffe falls over
The bartender shouts to the man "hey you cant leave that lying here".
The man turns around and says
"Thats not a lion, thats a giraffe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fabcsm/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_giraffe/
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I accidentally clicked an ad for one of those fetish porn sites...

It was fucking shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fab8js/i_accidentally_clicked_an_ad_for_one_of_those/
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I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fab6u2/i_went_to_the_doctors_recently/
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The Greenie

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.
There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.
As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility. And I'm sorry, they turned you down.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fab3wf/the_greenie/
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(NSFW)A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

The bartender asks: Where did you get that from?
The parrot responds: From Africa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fab1la/nsfwa_black_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_parrot_on/
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Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faav7r/trump_wants_to_ban_the_sale_of_preshredded_cheese/
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I was fucking worried when my son overdosed on cocaine.

But thankfully he hadn't used any of my stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faatdp/i_was_fucking_worried_when_my_son_overdosed_on/
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About a month before he died, my grandfather asked us to spray WD-40 all over his back.

After that, he went downhill fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faas7l/about_a_month_before_he_died_my_grandfather_asked/
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Why did libraries stop giving out books on suicide?

Because people never return them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faaify/why_did_libraries_stop_giving_out_books_on_suicide/
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My dicks like a pickle

Its bumpy
Has a sour taste
And my niece always takes it out of the burger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faah0m/my_dicks_like_a_pickle/
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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faaecz/my_wife_just_gave_birth_today_and_after_thanking/
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Stalin should've known USSR wouldn't work for long

There were lots of red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faab5o/stalin_shouldve_known_ussr_wouldnt_work_for_long/
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I asked my Russian friend today, if he is afraid of the corona virus.

He said "no! I have the antidote!" I said, really? What is it? He said "its vodka!" I didn't believe and said, vodka kills the virus? He said "no, but it kills the fear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faa8sz/i_asked_my_russian_friend_today_if_he_is_afraid/
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Everybody has an angle at which they look bad or unflattering.

Mine, for example, is 360°.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faa7gg/everybody_has_an_angle_at_which_they_look_bad_or/
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One night, my dog brings me my neighbour’s rabbit, dead in its mouth.

It’s dirty, definitely dead and I’m a bit drunk so I panic. My neighbours hate me anyway. This could get me evicted.
So I take the rabbit, meticulously wash off the dirt and dry it. Then I sneak over the fence and put it back in it’s hutch, leaving no trace. Job well done.
My neighbour knocks on my door the following day. He looks confused.
“Did you see anything going on last night?”
I say I hadn’t.
“I can’t explain it. Someone’s dug up my dead rabbit, washed it and put it in its hutch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faa3e9/one_night_my_dog_brings_me_my_neighbours_rabbit/
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My friend’s son Luke

loves that his parents chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming their kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca is less amused..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa9vfd/my_friends_son_luke/
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I'm thinking about selling my theremin.

I haven't touched it in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa9hww/im_thinking_about_selling_my_theremin/
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Abdul was a school going boy

In math class, the teacher asks him "Abdul, what is 5 times 2?"
Abdul says "10"
"Very good, now tell me what is 4 times 3?"
Abdul says "9"
The teacher says "No, the answer is 12"
"8..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa9gt0/abdul_was_a_school_going_boy/
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Ted comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – hell, even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.”
“Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that took a piss in your saxophone last night!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa9gsw/ted_comes_home_completely_drunk_one_night/
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How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass?

Satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa90jd/how_did_the_farmer_find_the_sheep_in_the_tall/
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An Australian enters a chemist.

He walks up and tells the chick behind the counter,
"Yeah I'm looking for some deodorant."
She says "OK, ball or aerosol?"
He looks at her a little confused...
"Nah armpits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa908r/an_australian_enters_a_chemist/
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What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The Polar Bear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa903p/whats_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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This is my alligator wally

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa8yx4/this_is_my_alligator_wally/
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I invented a machine to help you consider whether to change gender.

It's a transponder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa8wv1/i_invented_a_machine_to_help_you_consider_whether/
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I have heard about a man who remained unmarried his whole life.......

I have heard about a man who remained unmarried his whole life, and when he was dying, ninety years old, somebody asked him, “You have remained unmarried your whole life, but you have never said what the reason was. Now you are dying, at least quench our curiosity. If there is any secret, now you can tell it, because you are dying; you will be gone. Even if the secret is known, it can’t harm you.” The man said, “Yes, there is a secret. It is not that I am against marriage, but I was searching for a perfect woman. I searched and searched, and my whole life slipped by.” The inquirer asked, “But upon this big earth, so many millions of people, half of them women, couldn’t you find one perfect woman?” A tear rolled down from the eye of the dying man. He said, “Yes, I did find one.” The inquirer was absolutely shocked. He said, “Then what happened? Why didn’t you get married?” And the old man said, “But the woman was searching for a perfect husband.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa8ibo/i_have_heard_about_a_man_who_remained_unmarried/
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How many maintenance guys does it take to change a light bulb??

4. 1 to hold the bulb and 3 to rotate the building.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa8gm9/how_many_maintenance_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
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What do you call a creature from another planet with an unknown number of breasts?

An alien N-titty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa8ecj/what_do_you_call_a_creature_from_another_planet/
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What comes after USA?

USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa8bay/what_comes_after_usa/
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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa8ade/i_was_walking_down_the_street_when_i_was_accosted/
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What do Reddit users say after bombing a jewellery store?

Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa88q5/what_do_reddit_users_say_after_bombing_a/
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What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes *Whack*....... DAMN!!!  A bad skydiver goes DAMN!!! ....... *Whack*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa87dn/what_is_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
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A couple goes to a sex therapist..

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa7v0y/a_couple_goes_to_a_sex_therapist/
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99% of people can do simple math operations.

I belong to the other 2%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa7sr2/99_of_people_can_do_simple_math_operations/
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Strong people don't put others down.

They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa7pz9/strong_people_dont_put_others_down/
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I know a tale about a priest and a child

It’s a very touching story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa7ps3/i_know_a_tale_about_a_priest_and_a_child/
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What's the one thing flat earthers fear?

Sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa7pqi/whats_the_one_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
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A man went to the doctor's complaining of a headache

The doctor did some tests and discovered a brain tumor.
Doctor: Looks like we're going to have to perform a brain transplant.
Man: I don't want a brain transplant.
Doctor: You must or you'll die.
Man: It sounds scary, I don't want one.
Doctor: There's no other treatment for this.
Man: But I'm terrified.
Doctor: You must be brave.
Eventually, the doctor changed the man's mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa7mtm/a_man_went_to_the_doctors_complaining_of_a/
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My buddy told me he's addicted to drinking brake fluid.

He says he can stop at any time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa7mie/my_buddy_told_me_hes_addicted_to_drinking_brake/
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My doctor said I have to stop masturbating.

When I asked why, she said: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa7lcb/my_doctor_said_i_have_to_stop_masturbating/
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Three Guys Die in a Car Crash

They're all sent to heaven, and get their own cars to reach the gates of heaven.
The man who never cheated on his wife got a Ferrari, the man who cheated on his wife once got a mid-tier car and the one who cheated on his wife twice got an old car.
When they all reached the gates of heaven, the man with the old car asked the guy with the Ferrari
"Why are you sad? You have the best car out of all of us."
Then the man with the Ferrari replied
"I saw my wife on the way here. She was walking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa7h6h/three_guys_die_in_a_car_crash/
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A spine surgeon's to-do list

1. Get back to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa7dxd/a_spine_surgeons_todo_list/
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Who wins in a race between a Porsche and a Lamborghini?

Volkswagen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa7csz/who_wins_in_a_race_between_a_porsche_and_a/
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What position do people in a failed marriage have sex in

96

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa7b0b/what_position_do_people_in_a_failed_marriage_have/
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Attorney Checks Out Early

An attorney at the peak of life, and in great physical shape, suddenly drops over dead at the age of 38.
He arrives at the Pearly Gates and immediately asked, "Why did I die so young, surely this is an error?"
St. Peter looks into the Great Book of Life and replies, "Sorry no mistake, according to this you died at the age preordained."
That doesn't seem fair, for ones lifespan to be only 38 years, replied the attorney.
St. Peter, looking confused for a second, says, "No, it says you were to die when you turned 89."
The attorney immediately protests and asks St. Peter to look into his death.
After a few moments of studying St. Peter says, "Ah, I see the problem, we calculated your age by your billable hours to clients."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa78tw/attorney_checks_out_early/
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I hate having sex in a sleeping bag, it’s too tight, you get really sweaty...

and it’s hard to breathe because your scout leader’s hand is covering your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa756b/i_hate_having_sex_in_a_sleeping_bag_its_too_tight/
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A Jewish Atheist sends his son to school.

A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, “I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” The boy’s father is barely able to control his rage. He grabs his son by the shoulders and says, “Joey, this is very important, so listen carefully. There is only ONE God — and we don’t believe in Him!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa6w48/a_jewish_atheist_sends_his_son_to_school/
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My girlfriend said we couldn't have sex while she had her period, but I walked in on her masturbating

caught her red handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa6vsj/my_girlfriend_said_we_couldnt_have_sex_while_she/
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The perfect woman

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well, the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa6pee/the_perfect_woman/
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I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa6gvu/i_walked_into_our_bedroom_and_stepped_on_my_wifes/
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Pretty meta bro

Cake day posts are annoying and uncreative, so many people make anti cake day posts. These can be just as bad, and are only rarely funny if they are posted on the poster's cake day, (aka: anti cake day cake day posts). This possess a bit of a conundrum, as here in Reddit, we make fun of things, but anti anti cake day posts are sometimes confusing, and when not executed correctly are simply pseudo cake day posts. When posted on a person's cake day, however, they become the anti anti cake day cake day posts, a breed that only appeals to a very selective, 'cultured' group, and seems like a shitpost to innocent passers-by. This also sucks, and must be made a mockery of, using the anti anti anti cake day posts, and anti anti anti cake day cake day posts. Now most of the audience is lost, and an inside joke is formed, like a Phoenix from the ashes. Like all good inside jokes, the first time uttered is seldom the funniest, thus the anti anti anti anti cake day posts and anti anti anti anti cake day posts are born. After this the target group gets a good laugh out of the anti anti anti anti anti cake day posts and anti anti anti anti anti cake day posts. After this reincarnation of the worst joke in Reddit history, it only goes downhill. The anti anti anti anti anti anti cake day posts and anti anti anti anti anti anti cake day cake day posts are little more than filler on a page, rotting mounds of the dead slugs that the ancient 'cake day posts' were. This vicious cycle continues to humiliate the poster, turning them into a blairingly barbaric, bumbling bafoon blasting out blasphemy belittling bums. This bad of a group of posts deserves someone to make fun of them, and so here I am. Don't block me bots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa6fns/pretty_meta_bro/
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A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa6dlp/a_new_study_shows_that_unvaccinated_children_are/
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Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa67zm/life/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

#THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa5zgg/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Why are men like floor tiles?

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa5zb8/why_are_men_like_floor_tiles/
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she has ever been with.

She said yes, all the other men were sevens or eights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa5w96/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_she_has/
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What does a woman get for letting an Italian man nut inside her?

Prego

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa5rg4/what_does_a_woman_get_for_letting_an_italian_man/
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Brunette: Have you ever had sex with a Brazilian?

Blonde: I don't think so. That sounds like a lot. Probably not, but I've come pretty close.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa5pxj/brunette_have_you_ever_had_sex_with_a_brazilian/
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Butt sex is a lot like spinach...

If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa5khk/butt_sex_is_a_lot_like_spinach/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa5jyz/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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A newly wed couple are in bed together

.
The wife reaches over to grab her husband.
"Oh my God, it's so big" she said.
The husband gave a pleased hum.
"Are they all this big?" She asked.
"More or less," he said.
"It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed.
"Yeah," he said nonplussed.
"I want this so bad," she moaned.
"I can see that," he replied amused.
"Half the time the pockets on my pants are fake!"
Note: this was an actual conversation I had with my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa5hri/a_newly_wed_couple_are_in_bed_together/
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Strong Young Man

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, Idiot, get in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa5b7z/strong_young_man/
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Penis weight

A penis has to be the lightest thing in the world.
Because even a thought can lift it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa5a07/penis_weight/
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A captain in the navy is assigned a new post on a submarine.

As he explores his new vessel, he notices that almost everything is falling apart with varying degrees of rust.
He decides to check the hull, and sees plates of metal with varying dates, some of which seem to come from before world war 2.
He decides to ask someone in his crew if they know what's wrong with the vessel, and he finally gets an answer to what's going on.
"Can't you tell? There's almost nothing original on this sub!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa5323/a_captain_in_the_navy_is_assigned_a_new_post_on_a/
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A Golf Story

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when on a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. While we were looking for our balls, I noticed one of the cows had something in its rear end. I walked over and lifted the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it—stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I was lifting the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa4t18/a_golf_story/
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Forehead

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so".
Fine, then the wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right " to which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don't think so".
"Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break " "I'm not a carpenter and I don"t want to fix steps". He says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so, I,ve had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.  He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried." Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake".
He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" she replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don"t think so!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa4m5y/forehead/
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I threw a boomerang a few years ago...

I since live in constant fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa4h9j/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
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Fishing

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa4edz/fishing/
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I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run inside and tell my wife about it, and then I remembered why I was digging in our garden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa4cvj/i_was_digging_in_our_garden_and_found_a_chest/
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Nsfw . Why don’t witches wear panties?

To grip the broom better. Todd Packer The Office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa4cvh/nsfw_why_dont_witches_wear_panties/
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I thought I was dreaming in color last night.

But it was just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa4cbt/i_thought_i_was_dreaming_in_color_last_night/
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Did you know that pirates don't know the alphabet?

They get lost at sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa4c1j/did_you_know_that_pirates_dont_know_the_alphabet/
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3 Quick Ones

Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa3wn6/3_quick_ones/
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Have you guys heard about the man who’s penis is so big, he passes out from blood loss when he becomes erect?

I heard he’s a hard sleeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa3scy/have_you_guys_heard_about_the_man_whos_penis_is/
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I just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times in a row.

Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa3k4x/i_just_got_kicked_out_of_a_karaoke_bar_for/
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I bought some shoes from my drug dealer the other day

I dont know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa3k4d/i_bought_some_shoes_from_my_drug_dealer_the_other/
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I made a joke about Mexicans

I am now a registered mex offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa3j5e/i_made_a_joke_about_mexicans/
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As election season ramps up, I'd like for us to take a moment and Pray for our President.

Psalm 109:8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa3fgv/as_election_season_ramps_up_id_like_for_us_to/
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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"
The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa3ewl/a_horny_gorilla_sees_a_lion_bent_over_a_small/
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Some men do remember aniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa3eih/some_men_do_remember_aniversaries/
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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Fuck her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa3c6b/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
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A kid from Alabama had to do a project on his family tree

He brought a ladder to school the next day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa39cm/a_kid_from_alabama_had_to_do_a_project_on_his/
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Why was the Marine dishonorably discharged?

He was rotten to the Corps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa39c1/why_was_the_marine_dishonorably_discharged/
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Blacksmith's Apprentice

A young lad was going to an interview to become an apprentice blacksmith.
The Master Blacksmith asked, "Do you have any experience in shoeing horses?"
The young lad replied, "No, but I once told a Donkey to fuck off..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa35j6/blacksmiths_apprentice/
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You know I don’t really get school shooting jokes

I guess they’re just aimed at a younger audience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa32cc/you_know_i_dont_really_get_school_shooting_jokes/
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An Englishman and an Irishman go out drinking one night....

The Englishman says to the Irishman, " listen paddy I wish I could stay out drinking with you but I'm skint."
Padd
y says, "aye George, I just spent my last few quid too.... but I've got an idea: go up and order two more drinks and a sausage  and mash and tell them to put it on a tab."
George says, "what the fuck are you talking about Paddy? We're both skint!"
"Just do it yeh fanny!"
So George gets the drinks and the meal and they both down their drinks. Then paddy picks up one of the sausages and sticks it down his pants and through his zipper.
Paddy says to George, "now suck on this sausage"
"No fucking way!" Protests George.
"JUST DO IT YOU FANNY!"
So George sucks the sausage and the barman sees and shouts,
"Oi! get the fuck out of my pub right now!"
They hurry out the pub without paying, and burst out laughing as soon as they're out the door."
George says, "hold onto that sausage and we can hit every pub in town!"
A few hours go by and they go from pub to pub without paying for a single drink.
At the end of the night they're both crying laughing and George says to Paddy, "I cant believe that worked in every pub!"
Paddy says back, "I cant believe you didnt notice I left the sausage at the first one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa2vt3/an_englishman_and_an_irishman_go_out_drinking_one/
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Son: Dad, I’d like to drop out of high school.

Dad: That’s alright son, just remember.
Son: Remember what?
Dad: I don’t like pickles on my Big Mac.
————————————
My topping game sucks, guess I gotta go to McDonald’s more often

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa2gp1/son_dad_id_like_to_drop_out_of_high_school/
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I hired a promiscuous woman for my financial department. She didn't have the qualifications but...

... it's the thot that accounts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa2de2/i_hired_a_promiscuous_woman_for_my_financial/
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First woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa2czz/first_woman_on_the_moon/
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My abuela said that I had to get up if I want some rice

So I arroz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa2au2/my_abuela_said_that_i_had_to_get_up_if_i_want/
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I named my eraser Confidence...

Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa28ks/i_named_my_eraser_confidence/
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Hugh Laurie just got his American citizenship!

He now goes by "Hugh Truck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa1xxa/hugh_laurie_just_got_his_american_citizenship/
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Interviewer: What is your greatest weakness? Me: I speak my mind Interviewer: I don’t see that as a weakness

Me: I don’t give a fuck what you think

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa1vyf/interviewer_what_is_your_greatest_weakness_me_i/
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An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery

The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa1oa8/an_englishman_and_an_irishman_go_to_a_bakery/
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Why does Edward Woodward have 4 D's in his name?

Because if he didn't he'd be called E war woo war

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa1mj8/why_does_edward_woodward_have_4_ds_in_his_name/
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One day three boys are walking through the woods.

While walking, they come across some tracks.
“Those are deer tracks” said the first boy.
“Those are bear tracks. I know for sure” said the second.
The third got hit by the train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa1fgi/one_day_three_boys_are_walking_through_the_woods/
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa1e56/a_woman_is_standing_nude_looking_in_the_bedroom/
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What do engineers use as birth control?

Their personalities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa17fi/what_do_engineers_use_as_birth_control/
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What's a 6.9?

A great thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa158m/whats_a_69/
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What Does The “F” in Ethiopia stand for?

Food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa0vh6/what_does_the_f_in_ethiopia_stand_for/
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Two whales are swimming around.

The first whale says to the second whale
"You know what, it's getting a bit boring. Ya know what? How about we go use our blow holes to capsized that fisher boat over there?"
The second whale then replies..
"What a great idea! Let's go do it!"
So both of the whales go and capsized the boat and watch the fishermen fall into the sea and they both started to laugh.
So the first whale says again.
"Ya know what, those fishermen are real jerks, how about we go and swallow them whole!"
The second whale then responds quickly.
"No way man! Ya know I'm in for the blowjob, but I won't swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa0opu/two_whales_are_swimming_around/
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Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Esc?

She wanted to see the Task Manager

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa0o53/why_did_karen_press_ctrlshiftesc/
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The Canadians get sent to hell

So the rapture happens and all the Canadians get sent to hell because they didn’t hold the door or say sorry enough and the devil sees them celebrating. Bothered by this he asks “you’rein hell why are you celebrating“ and the Canadians respond “it’s like minus thirty where we live this is awesome. Angered by this he makes hell 3 times hotter and comes back and again they’re still celebrating and having a beach party. Realizing he has two get them a different way the devil goes and cranks the temperature down to minus a million and when he comes back they’re celebrating again. Now confused the devil asks “I made it colder why are you happy again” and the Canadians respond “hell’s frozen over. The leafs won the cup”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa0mzy/the_canadians_get_sent_to_hell/
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What do you call an Irishman who builds outdoor chairs?

Paddy O’Furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa0lh1/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_who_builds_outdoor/
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office,

I will find you. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa0jnd/whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office/
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Fun fact: Cats can understand around 56 vocal commands.

They just choose to ignore all of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa0cdc/fun_fact_cats_can_understand_around_56_vocal/
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I want to pass away peacefully, in my sleep, like grandma

Not screaming and crying like the passengers in her car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa0b55/i_want_to_pass_away_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like/
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If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fa023h/if_you_cant_afford_to_pay_taxes_the_government/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9zwb3/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other/
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LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9zsea/lpt_how_to_pick_up_girls/
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Single, huh?

A woman went to a grocery store and did some shopping. She gave her basket to the check-out clerk, who scanned the following:
1 toothbrush
2 small packages of noodles
1 banana
1 small turkey
1/2 gallon of milk
The clerk looked at the woman and said "single, huh?'
The woman looked a bit sheepsish and said 'how could you tell? Because of my groceries?'
The clerk replied, " because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9zpws/single_huh/
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The first thing I do when I get to work is hide...

A good worker is always hard to find!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9zg52/the_first_thing_i_do_when_i_get_to_work_is_hide/
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I put up a hammock between two walls in my house

It really ties the room together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9z9vj/i_put_up_a_hammock_between_two_walls_in_my_house/
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I was mugged by six dwarves last night

Not happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9z769/i_was_mugged_by_six_dwarves_last_night/
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My grief counselor died today.

Luckily for me he was so good, I didn't give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9z0gz/my_grief_counselor_died_today/
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The annoying part of getting a cold

Have you ever noticed that when you have a cold your nostrils take turns between the working nostril and the blocked one?
It's annoying to have to fight over which one works.
I call this the "cold war."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9z0ga/the_annoying_part_of_getting_a_cold/
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A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...

...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ywtk/a_man_and_a_woman_are_lying_in_bed_late_night/
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The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat.

It's watching what other people eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9yu96/the_toughest_part_of_a_diet_isnt_watching_what/
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Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9yref/today_i_learned_italians_have_more_than_250/
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Dentists are probably the most racist

They only like white teeth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9yr8v/dentists_are_probably_the_most_racist/
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I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It's his altar ego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ylwt/i_just_found_out_my_friend_has_a_secret_life_as_a/
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How much did it cost Hydra to kill Tony Stark's parents?

One Buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ykb2/how_much_did_it_cost_hydra_to_kill_tony_starks/
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One of those jokes that give you a proper belly laugh

Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance...
so i pushed her over...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9y3ft/one_of_those_jokes_that_give_you_a_proper_belly/
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An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9y2jy/an_englishman_and_an_irishman_go_to_a_bakery_the/
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We were driving past...

A cemetery and my Dad said in a Dead serious, quiet voice-
“I know something you don’t know about this place.
The people in this town aren’t allowed to be buried here”
I was really confused so I asked why.
And he said
“Because they’re still alive.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9xt3h/we_were_driving_past/
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My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9xr9t/my_girlfriend_just_admitted_she_used_to_be_a/
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I used to make jokes about Japanese eggs

But that was a long tamago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9xqv2/i_used_to_make_jokes_about_japanese_eggs/
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[NSFW] A few days after his 10th birthday, Little Johnny’s parents sit him down for a talk ...

Dad: “Johnny, you are ten years old, and in a few months you will have a little sister. It’s time you learned where babies come from.”
Johnny: “Mom! Dad! Not again! Last year, you told me Santa wasn’t real. The year before, it was the tooth fairy. Are you about to tell me that people don’t actually fuck?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9xkxj/nsfw_a_few_days_after_his_10th_birthday_little/
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My car battery died

I called AAA to come out and they diagnosed it and found out that it’s the original battery of 7 years and in need of replacement. So they swapped it out for me with one of their own.
Then it occurred to me that my car runs on a AAA battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9xa7w/my_car_battery_died/
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Which sex position is Tom Cruise's favourite?

*Mission*ary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9x1a3/which_sex_position_is_tom_cruises_favourite/
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My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9wydz/my_girlfriend_just_dumped_me_for_talking_too_much/
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Do you know who can guzzle 5 gallons of gas?

Gerry can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ww29/do_you_know_who_can_guzzle_5_gallons_of_gas/
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I have sex almost everyday!

Monday, almost.....
Tuesday, almost......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9wp5h/i_have_sex_almost_everyday/
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How do you get an 80 year old woman to scream "Fuck"?

Get another 80 year old woman to scream "BINGO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9w64m/how_do_you_get_an_80_year_old_woman_to_scream_fuck/
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How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. They are very efficient and don't have a sense of humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9vjip/how_many_germans_do_you_need_to_change_a_light/
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What does the president do when he finds a fly in his office?

He calls in the SWAT team!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9vagi/what_does_the_president_do_when_he_finds_a_fly_in/
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I am against invisible bananas.

I can’t see the appeal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9v93m/i_am_against_invisible_bananas/
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The clown

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9v8e7/the_clown/
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Naming your favorite Beatle is like declaring your favorite child.

It's George.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9v7kj/naming_your_favorite_beatle_is_like_declaring/
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At night,im usually surrounded by females that i feel like murdering...

Dammit,why do mosquitoes even exist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9v2i6/at_nightim_usually_surrounded_by_females_that_i/
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I asked my North Korean friend about how it feels like living in North Korea?

He replied, "Can't complain".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9uyl1/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_about_how_it_feels/
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How does the reddit user get karma when they don’t deserve it?

Piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9utf8/how_does_the_reddit_user_get_karma_when_they_dont/
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I have a step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder. Last I heard he was in a twelve step program.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9uq82/i_have_a_step_ladder/
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Two Polish pilots are bringing the plane in for a landing...

...The plane hits the runway. They don’t have enough room to stop and they smash into the terminal.
One pilot turns to the other and says, “Man, that was a short runway.”
The other pilot says, “Yeah, but it sure was wide though!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9uodz/two_polish_pilots_are_bringing_the_plane_in_for_a/
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A lady complains to her best friend that she is not getting satisfied at home

\- "I even can't remember when was the last time we had it. I am losing my mind."
\- "My husband stopped having sex with me long time ago too. But I found a replacement"
\- "How? Tell me more about it."
\- "Well, whenever I feel like having it, I just call plumbers. By the time someone arrives, I get ready, feed them nicely and take them to my bedroom. Every time they give me the best orgasm"
So, the lady decides to follow her friend's method. When her husband is at work she cleans the house, prepares a romantic lunch, decorates the bedroom and calls plumber's service. They are all busy. She calls again, all the lines are busy. She becomes impatient and calls her friend. Friend suggests her to call gas plumber services, they are usually available. She calls and they take the order. After an hour, a fit, average looking man knocks on the door. She opens the door  and takes him to the kitchen. The guys enjoys delicious food and wine. Then she takes him to the bedroom. In one move she takes off her caftan  and bends over. He also unzips and try to put it inside from behind. And she is like:
\- "No, no not in there, put it in the lower one"
\- "Excuse me madam! For the lower one you should have called water plumbers. I fix gas pipes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9um7e/a_lady_complains_to_her_best_friend_that_she_is/
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The real reason not to do anything against climate change

Just think how dumb we'd look in front of our children, if twenty years from now we discover climate change was in fact not real. We'd have cleaned the ocean and the cities, preserved the rain forests and millions of species, innovated in multiple industries, made the air breathable again, created a more sustainable lifestyle for the decades  to come and a better world for our children, completely for nothing. I'm  pretty sure we'd all doom the fool that made us do all that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ui2x/the_real_reason_not_to_do_anything_against/
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My roommate says our house is haunted.

But I lived there for 300 years and never noticed anything unusual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ubqy/my_roommate_says_our_house_is_haunted/
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My grandfather was responsible for the downing of over 30 enemy aircrafts during WW2

And still to this day, the Luftwaffe considers him the worst mechanic they've ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9u2vg/my_grandfather_was_responsible_for_the_downing_of/
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This girl have me the Clap so bad..

...my doctor called it an applause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9u12i/this_girl_have_me_the_clap_so_bad/
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A dung beetle walks into a bar...

Is this stool taken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ty5q/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar/
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How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9tuar/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_screw/
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My psychiatrist says I'm preoccupied with revenge.

We'll see about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9to6a/my_psychiatrist_says_im_preoccupied_with_revenge/
%
A man is walking through the woods when he stumbles on a suitcase with some puppies inside

He calls up the local veterinary centre to ask for advice.
"Hi, I was walking through the woods and I found a closed suitcase, when I opened it there were 5 little puppies inside" said the man
"Oh no, that's horrible. Are they moving?" Asks the receptionist
"I'm not sure" replies the man "but it would explain the suitcase"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9tl8x/a_man_is_walking_through_the_woods_when_he/
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I was served what I thought was horse meat but I'm not sure about it

It tastes like ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9th8w/i_was_served_what_i_thought_was_horse_meat_but_im/
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My shrink says i have a gambling problem..

i asked "doctor is there a cure"  she said "no dice!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9tfno/my_shrink_says_i_have_a_gambling_problem/
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An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra...

Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir?
Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend?
Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pack that is proving very popular with our customers.
*The old man follows the nurse to the counter, she turns around, bends over and picks up the viagra from the bottom shelf, as she turns back around, the old man is already walking away*
Old Man: Thank you very much, I'll see you again next Saturday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9tbgt/an_old_man_walks_into_a_chemist_and_starts/
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What do you call a half baked joke?

A pun in the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9taya/what_do_you_call_a_half_baked_joke/
%
Did you hear about the bass vocalist who decided to leave the choir?

He wanted to see how well he would do as a SO LOW singer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9t6na/did_you_hear_about_the_bass_vocalist_who_decided/
%
On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.
Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?”
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"
This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9t5sm/on_a_crowded_train_travelling_somewhere_in_europe/
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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:
A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.
The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz that ladies have in certain places, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good."
On his turn, the knight asks "Lady, answer me without deceit. Is there hair between your legs?" When she replies, "none at all", he comments, "Indeed I do believe you, for grass does not grow on a well-beaten path."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9t5gh/a_dirty_joke_from_the_14th_century/
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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9sz8v/guy_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_we/
%
Why do cows have hooves ?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9swus/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
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A newly wed couple is riding through the field on a donkey-cart.

After a while the donkey trips up. The man calmly gets down and looks the donkey squarely in the eyes.
"This, is the first time," he says.
Terrified the donkey keeps trotting on and tries his best to not trip again, but eventually they get to wet grass and he can't help slipping. The man again gets down calmly and looks the donkey squarely in the eyes.
"This, is the second time," he says.
More scared than ever the donkey trots on. After a while the road becomes really bumpy and the donkey trips again. The man picks up his rifle, which had been laying at his feet, and shoots the donkey in the back of his head. The man's wife is hysterical. She screams on and on for about 10 minutes about how the donkey was a valuable family asset.
When she was done the man looked her squarely in the eyes and says,"This, is the first time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9suj2/a_newly_wed_couple_is_riding_through_the_field_on/
%
A kid's father barges in on him mid-wank. "Son! You must stop doing that. You could go blind!"

"Can I keep doing it until I need glasses?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9sm71/a_kids_father_barges_in_on_him_midwank_son_you/
%
A director of an insane asylum is concerned about how full the asylum is getting and decides to make some space

He consults with the doctors and they create a plan to figure out who needs to stay and who is sane enough to be allowed back into the public. They empty out the swimming pool and gather all the patients round.
"Whoever can swim 2 lengths of this pool will be allowed to leave the asylum" says the director to the patients. After some excited muttering the first patient dives in, smashes his head on the floor of the empty pool and bleeds out. The other patients, seeing this failure, decide they have a better chance.
One by one they all jump into the empty pool, injuring themselves in the process. After a few minutes only one patient is still stood on the sidelines laughing at the misfortune of the other patients. The director approaches him, excited that there is at least one sane patient amongst the others.
"Why are you laughing? Don't you want to leave?" Asks the director.
"Well of course I do, but I'm not an idiot" says the patient laughing and gesturing at the empty pool "but how am I supposed to go swimming without my swimming trunks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9slsn/a_director_of_an_insane_asylum_is_concerned_about/
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It's my birthday, but I'll only be celebrating it for half a minute

It's my thirty-second birthday, after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9sj7q/its_my_birthday_but_ill_only_be_celebrating_it/
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How Long is an Asian guy

That wasn't a question

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9sgi0/how_long_is_an_asian_guy/
%
In space, two aliens are talking to each other

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9sebo/in_space_two_aliens_are_talking_to_each_other/
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A golfer is involved in a terrible car crash and is rushed to the hospital

Just before he is put under, the surgeon pops in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing days are over !!!   Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation goes off well - and a year later the man is out on the golf course when he bumps into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," says the surgeon.
"Not only that," continues the golfer, "my hand writing has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" says the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success..!!Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," says the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache..!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9sbyu/a_golfer_is_involved_in_a_terrible_car_crash_and/
%
So the other day I was arrested for pretending I was an American politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9sal0/so_the_other_day_i_was_arrested_for_pretending_i/
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Ever seen a woman with 12 nipples?

Sounds strange, dozentit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9s694/ever_seen_a_woman_with_12_nipples/
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Did you here about the man who masturbated with an Olaf plushy?

I thought it was ironic because most people just use their Hans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9s0xd/did_you_here_about_the_man_who_masturbated_with/
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After sex one female breast says to the other

"It's over. Someone's cum between us".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9s05w/after_sex_one_female_breast_says_to_the_other/
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A limbo champion walks into a bar.

They are immediately disqualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9rwa1/a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
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I loved my job as a crash helmet tester.

But some days it did my head in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9rw1p/i_loved_my_job_as_a_crash_helmet_tester/
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I had to sell my vacuum cleaner

After all it was just collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9rw1c/i_had_to_sell_my_vacuum_cleaner/
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I used to have two kidneys. Then I grew up.

Now I have two adult knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9rvoz/i_used_to_have_two_kidneys_then_i_grew_up/
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How do you defuse a time bomb?

Help i need answers really qui

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9rv6m/how_do_you_defuse_a_time_bomb/
%
A man goes to visit his elderly father at a senior home and they sit down to have a mediocre meal.

A nurse stands behind the old man and after a bit he begins to lean way over to his right. The nurse jumps over there and pushes him back, straight up in his seat. He then begins to lean way over to his left and the nurse again jumps over and straightens the old man out. This happens a few more times during the meal. The visiting son is curious and isn't sure what's going on but asks his dad 'so how do you like living here?'
The old man says 'it's fine, the food's okay. But they won't let you fart.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9rjcr/a_man_goes_to_visit_his_elderly_father_at_a/
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Thanks to Brexit, British prostitutes are now a great deal..

pound for pound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9rg63/thanks_to_brexit_british_prostitutes_are_now_a/
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Did you know there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?

Which is ironic really. You can say the same about the Virgin Islands.
There's no canaries there either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9rbd0/did_you_know_there_are_no_canaries_in_the_canary/
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I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9r4hh/i_got_arrested_for_illegally_downloading/
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What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9r2ns/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9r0xd/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?

He goes undercover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9qw7h/what_does_james_bond_do_before_he_goes_to_bed/
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Hi, I would like to book a doctors appointment please....

Receptionist: Sure thing, How about 11 tomorrow?
Man: No thanks, just one will be fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9qml1/hi_i_would_like_to_book_a_doctors_appointment/
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I thought my friend spent all his savings on an expensive wig.

But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9qfro/i_thought_my_friend_spent_all_his_savings_on_an/
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Lost Wife

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9qba6/lost_wife/
%
Yesterday five young hot ladies asked me out.

Turns out it was the ladies washroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9q8vi/yesterday_five_young_hot_ladies_asked_me_out/
%
It’s not that hard to be a monk these days.

All you need is cheap toilet paper to get in touch with your inner self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9q4kz/its_not_that_hard_to_be_a_monk_these_days/
%
I bought a new wisk.

It's causing quite a stir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9q3ub/i_bought_a_new_wisk/
%
Honey I get a feeling you discriminating one of our children...

Which one? Dave, Lisa or the ugly one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9puls/honey_i_get_a_feeling_you_discriminating_one_of/
%
Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9pnpi/did_you_ever_hear_about_the_mute_thai_chef/
%
Asian lady exchanging money in front of me in the queue...

She says '"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat poun of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9plk7/asian_lady_exchanging_money_in_front_of_me_in_the/
%
You are someone's reason to smile

Because jokes make people laugh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9pfzh/you_are_someones_reason_to_smile/
%
Will you marry me is a marriage proposal

Will, you, mary, me is a foursome proposal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9pcnu/will_you_marry_me_is_a_marriage_proposal/
%
Two goldfish are in a tank.

One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9p9f1/two_goldfish_are_in_a_tank/
%
Chinese doctors published their findings on the corona outbreak...

It’s gone viral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9p4ft/chinese_doctors_published_their_findings_on_the/
%
Being poor is like being gay

You’re born that way
Girls just want to be friends.
When you finally tell your parents they say “we knew”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ovzv/being_poor_is_like_being_gay/
%
I put the sexy in dyslexia

Wait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9otgu/i_put_the_sexy_in_dyslexia/
%
My sister-in-law was pissed when she saw me tickling my nephew's legs

She screamed something like " wait till he is born".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9osej/my_sisterinlaw_was_pissed_when_she_saw_me/
%
Why can't dyslexic people use the internet in China?

Because they get a virus when they open a bat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9opgt/why_cant_dyslexic_people_use_the_internet_in_china/
%
What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a time machine operated by Marty McFly?

One’s a Mandalorian, and the other’s a Manned DeLorean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9onje/whats_the_difference_between_boba_fett_and_a_time/
%
A man sneezed in Lithuania

And everyone responded: "You're welcome".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9oesr/a_man_sneezed_in_lithuania/
%
What did the French groundhog see when he woke up?

His château.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9o1oq/what_did_the_french_groundhog_see_when_he_woke_up/
%
It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen before- an ocean world orbiting a small, dim star.
The two scoured their ship’s built-in database for any mention of the world, but in the end, they couldn’t find anything. It didn’t seem to belong to the Republic, or the CIS, or anyone at all. In fact, there was no mention of the world at all.
Curious to learn where they were and possibly resupply their craft, the two maneuvered their starfighters down to a raised mesa that rose above the rest of the ocean. They couldn’t find any signs of intelligent life on the world, so they resolved to explore until they found something.
After walking through the vibrant coral forests for some time, they stumbled upon a tiny village filled with what appeared to be giant crabs. They attempted several forms of communication, they eventually managed to get their point across by a series of gestures and attempts at miming. They learned that the crabs were happy to meet them, that they could be housed and fed, and that they were expecting an important guest shortly, who would be interested in their company.
The two passed the time exploring the village and attempting to learn more about the crabs’ culture. Eventually, however, they noticed that an elderly humanoid man was walking down to the path to the crab village. As he walked within its borders, every crab in the village turned towards him and saluted them at once.
Suddenly, Obi-Wan drew his lightsaber and decapitated the old man with a single swing. The crabs swarmed around him, chittering angrily and wielding sharp implements.
“Why would you do that?” asked Anakin, horrified.
“That man was powerful in the ways of the Dark Side,” said Obi-Wan.
“How could you tell?”
“Because,” Obi-Wan said, “Only a Sith deals in crab salutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9o16f/it_was_the_height_of_the_clone_wars_and_obiwan/
%
Be careful about buying tickets to a joust

There are always a lot of Sir charges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9nwoh/be_careful_about_buying_tickets_to_a_joust/
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A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9nhy9/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_bar/
%
What is the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9n9oe/what_is_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
How do you know when you are getting old?

When something asks for your age and you have to scroll more than twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9n2b1/how_do_you_know_when_you_are_getting_old/
%
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...

...has always been my Achilles' elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9msxp/my_poor_knowledge_of_greek_mythology/
%
Cripple jokes...

I can't stand them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9mqbq/cripple_jokes/
%
Just learned about the Baader-Meinhof effect...

Now I can't stop seeing it everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9mp76/just_learned_about_the_baadermeinhof_effect/
%
Why cant you make sex jokes on Reddit?

Because nobody here gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9m9lm/why_cant_you_make_sex_jokes_on_reddit/
%
I have sex daily

I mean  I  have daily sex
I mean I have dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9m7vw/i_have_sex_daily/
%
What are the people involved in the beef industry called?

Steak-holders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9lzgx/what_are_the_people_involved_in_the_beef_industry/
%
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but  you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9lv0y/a_man_is_flying_in_a_hotair_balloon_and_realizes/
%
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judge:  First offender?
Attorney:  No, your honor.  First a Gibson. Then a Fender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9luu1/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
%
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9lp1l/a_new_pastor_was_visiting_the_homes_of_his/
%
Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?

His Dad finally grounded him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9lmf5/did_you_hear_about_the_kid_who_kept_getting/
%
I really really wanted kids...

I could just never... lure them into the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ll3i/i_really_really_wanted_kids/
%
Why did the road cross the road?

Because civil engineers & urban planners don't like roundabouts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9lkoz/why_did_the_road_cross_the_road/
%
Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?

Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.
Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit.
Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9lje6/patient_am_i_gonna_be_fine_doctor/
%
I got fired from my job today.

Apparently when you work at a cremation company you aren’t suppose to answer the phones me with “Hello, this is Joes Crematorium. You kill em we grill em!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9lf6e/i_got_fired_from_my_job_today/
%
Crows

There once was a crow who was not like the others. He always was on the telephone line, and never went down on the road to eat roadkill like the other crows. He also warned the ither crows of oncoming cars. One day a bus hit all the crows because all the other crow knew was "caw, caw"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9la26/crows/
%
A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”
“Thirty-six.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9l6g2/a_woman_walked_up_to_an_elderly_man_rocking_in_a/
%
Bob goes for a docter visit

The doctor says, “Bob, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Bob replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bob’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Bob is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9kwln/bob_goes_for_a_docter_visit/
%
A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a whisky... and a cola"

Interested, the bartender asks, "why the big pause?"
The bear shrugs,"I was just born with them I guess"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ktz9/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_give_me_a_whisky/
%
What do you call someone who saw an Apple store being robbed?

An iWitness...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ko59/what_do_you_call_someone_who_saw_an_apple_store/
%
As a kid I was made to walk the plank

Couldn't afford a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9kn7i/as_a_kid_i_was_made_to_walk_the_plank/
%
A professor asks a graduate student what he's working on these days.

"I'm writing a thesis on the survival of the class system in America," the student said.
"Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know there was a class system in America."
"No one does. That's how it survives."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9kiqh/a_professor_asks_a_graduate_student_what_hes/
%
What do you call a short Mexican?

A paragraph, because they're not a full ese yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9k5kn/what_do_you_call_a_short_mexican/
%
Russian history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9k3zg/russian_history_in_5_words/
%
What type of batteries do vibrators use?

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9k32t/what_type_of_batteries_do_vibrators_use/
%
What has 122 teeth and 2 eyes ?

A crocodile. What has 122 eyes and 2 teeth ? A bus full of old people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9k2it/what_has_122_teeth_and_2_eyes/
%
I read of a medieval knight who was always sure of himself.

Sir tainly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9jy8s/i_read_of_a_medieval_knight_who_was_always_sure/
%
What do you call a store for bird houses and accessories?

Birdbath and Beyond

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9jvql/what_do_you_call_a_store_for_bird_houses_and/
%
Two men walk into a restaurant. One man orders H2O. The second man says, “I will have H2O too.”

The second man dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9jvnn/two_men_walk_into_a_restaurant_one_man_orders_h2o/
%
There was a fella who was a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac...

He stayed up all night wondering if there was a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9jqf4/there_was_a_fella_who_was_a_dyslexic_agnostic/
%
I've heard that an apple a day keeps the doctor away

so I bought my ex-girlfriend an iPod , she has a PhD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9jppf/ive_heard_that_an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor/
%
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One looks at the other and says:

‘I think we got this joke wrong’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9jn97/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal_one_looks_at_the/
%
I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time.

She said that’s Ludacris

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9jn6e/i_told_my_wife_that_will_smith_is_the_best/
%
You know Orion's Belt?

Waist of space.
I know, I know, not a great joke. Three stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9j4zh/you_know_orions_belt/
%
A man named Joseph moved into the apartment next to another man and his fiance.

The man and his fiance got to know Joseph over the next few months and became friendly towards him.
One day, Joseph was caught in an accident at work and injured his eye. He had to have a cotton patch over it for a few weeks while it healed.
It was during this time that the man's fiance began spending less and less time at home, and much more at friend's houses, or so she said. It was also noted that she became much more interested in Joseph, feeling sorry for him.
Weeks went by and the wedding day of the man and his fiance finally came around. He waited at the altar for the entire day, but his fiance did not show up.
Shocked and disappointed, he walked back to his apartment, where he found a note from his fiance. It said that she was leaving him for Joseph, and that this was goodbye forever. He sat glumly on the bed and said to himself:
"If it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9j078/a_man_named_joseph_moved_into_the_apartment_next/
%
What is the name of the generic form of Viagra?

Mycoxafailin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9iz89/what_is_the_name_of_the_generic_form_of_viagra/
%
My mother told me not to yell in the library.

It was sound advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9iufv/my_mother_told_me_not_to_yell_in_the_library/
%
Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."
Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9it7w/guy_runs_into_a_bar_yells_quick_how_tall_is_a/
%
Cheating For the Right Reasons

An old couple was having dinner one night when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Theresa, soon we’ll have been married for 50 years, and there's something I have to ask you. In those 50 years, have you ever cheated on me?"
Theresa replied, "David, I have to be honest and open with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful three times in the last 50 years, but always for a good reason.
David was obviously upset by his wife's confession, but said, "I never knew, Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Theresa said, "The first time was shortly after we got married, and we were about to lose our house because we couldn't afford the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to the bank and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
David remembered the visit to the bank and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our house, but what about the second time?"
Theresa said, "And do you remember when you were so ill, but we didn't have any money to pay for the heart surgery that you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you remember, he did the surgery for free."
"I recall that," said David. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Theresa said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9iqg5/cheating_for_the_right_reasons/
%
Quitting heroin is easy.

I've already done it 10 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9im2r/quitting_heroin_is_easy/
%
What does a nazi say when someone sneezes?

WHERE?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ikjr/what_does_a_nazi_say_when_someone_sneezes/
%
A friend of mine used to have the job of holding cue cards for TV presenters, he was fired for dropping them. I tried talking to him about it but...

...he couldn't hold a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ij41/a_friend_of_mine_used_to_have_the_job_of_holding/
%
We're having a Toilet Paper epidemic

They all seem to be addicted to crack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ieoz/were_having_a_toilet_paper_epidemic/
%
Did you hear about the Italian chef that just died?

He pasta away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9hr1d/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that_just_died/
%
Why is the heart such a strong muscle?

It's constantly pumping iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9hp4z/why_is_the_heart_such_a_strong_muscle/
%
What is Pixar lamp’s favorite restaurant?

IHOP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9hkp8/what_is_pixar_lamps_favorite_restaurant/
%
My memory ain't what it used to be.

It bothers me sometimes, but the rest of the time I forget about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9hg41/my_memory_aint_what_it_used_to_be/
%
I tried to test my new gun at the range, but it wouldn’t work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9he60/i_tried_to_test_my_new_gun_at_the_range_but_it/
%
Did you know George Foreman named all of his sons "George Foreman?"

It's also what he named his little grill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9hb2m/did_you_know_george_foreman_named_all_of_his_sons/
%
And the award for the best neck wear of the year goes to…

It’s a tie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9gzxw/and_the_award_for_the_best_neck_wear_of_the_year/
%
I have a “Honk if you think I’m sexy bumper sticker” on the back of my truck...

I have to sit through red to green light changes to try and make myself feel better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9gu1n/i_have_a_honk_if_you_think_im_sexy_bumper_sticker/
%
How many "suh dues" does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already lit fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9gst2/how_many_suh_dues_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Katherine Johnson was a badass mathematician until her very end...

She waited until she was 101, so that she could die in her prime!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9gsqa/katherine_johnson_was_a_badass_mathematician/
%
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

School.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9glty/as_an_aussie_americans_are_always_asking_me_where/
%
Actor: to be or not to be?

######Me: [aggressively shaking beehive]...
sounds like more than two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9gil5/actor_to_be_or_not_to_be/
%
I set my wifi password to 2444666668888888

When someone asks me what it is I respond with, "12345678."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ggbq/i_set_my_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
%
I accused my friend of being gay yesterday.

He got so mad he hit me with his purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9gewn/i_accused_my_friend_of_being_gay_yesterday/
%
Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9gdid/money_or_sex/
%
A young Cherokee boy asked his father...

"Hey Dad, where did you get my brother's name?".  His father replied, "You see, while your mother was giving birth, I was waiting outside and when I first heard him cry,  I looked up and saw an eagle soaring up in the sky, that's why I named him 'Flying Eagle'".
"How about my sister?", the kid asked again.  The father said, "When your mother gave birth to your sister, and I first heard her cry,, I looked across the plains and I saw a gazelle sprinting across, so that's why I named her 'Running Gazelle".   "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9gb33/a_young_cherokee_boy_asked_his_father/
%
Me : Alexa where is my dad?

Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas
Me     : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me
Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9g7f3/me_alexa_where_is_my_dad/
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Phone call with nurse: My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

Nurse: “Is this her first child?”
Me: “No, you idiot!, this is her husband!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9fs76/phone_call_with_nurse_my_wife_is_pregnant_and_her/
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As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9fku8/as_i_expected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
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I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9f6q6/i_got_fired_from_my_job_because_i_kept_asking_my/
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I have two requirements in my will....

1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World
2) I do not want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9egzp/i_have_two_requirements_in_my_will/
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Why is it difficult for people with foot fetishes to make friends?

Cause they always seem to get off on the wrong foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ebql/why_is_it_difficult_for_people_with_foot_fetishes/
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The night before her wedding the mother takes her daughter aside.

“Now, look,” she tells her daughter “Men are a little strange sometimes. If he ever tells you to turn over, I want you to get out of bed, pack your things and come home to me.”
So the couple gets married and everything is fine for a couple of years.
Then, one night, while they are in bed, the man says to the woman, “Darling, roll over now.”
Hearing this, she gets out of bed, puts her clothes on and starts packing her things. When she is ready to leave the confused husband says, “Honey, wait a minute! What’s the matter?”
Wiping her tears, she says, “My mother told me that men are a little strange sometimes and if you ever ask me to roll over, I was to get my things and leave you, and go home to her.”
“But, honey,” says the husband, “don’t you want children?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9e0qs/the_night_before_her_wedding_the_mother_takes_her/
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My wife says she hates two things about me.

I don't listen.
Something else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9dtvg/my_wife_says_she_hates_two_things_about_me/
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(Arguing with my daughter about the age of this joke) What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9dqa4/arguing_with_my_daughter_about_the_age_of_this/
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What do tornadoes and women have in common?

In the beginning there's a lot sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9dn1n/what_do_tornadoes_and_women_have_in_common/
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An elderly Catholic man is hit by a bus . . .

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.
He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.
Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.
A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.
"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."
The policeman agreed and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said to him in a solemn voice:
B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9dilg/an_elderly_catholic_man_is_hit_by_a_bus/
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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian.  The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd.  I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."  So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians.  The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd.  I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there.  The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray.  They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9diju/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_to_israel_to_live/
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A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar.

Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face.
"Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man.
"That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man.
"But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man.
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man.
So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man.
"Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man.
"It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man.
"What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man.
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9dd8h/a_jewish_man_and_a_chinese_man_are_in_a_bar/
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Ego and superego walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm going to need to see some ID".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9d9gm/ego_and_superego_walk_into_a_bar/
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Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9d3rs/pun_enters_a_room_kills_10_people/
%
Villager goes for vasectomy

So one villager reaches the doctor's clinic looking very despondent.
Doc: What are you here for?
Villager: The vasectomy camp.
D: Oh OK. How many kids do you have?
V: None. I am not even married!!
D (shocked): Then why do you want a vasectomy?
V: Every man in the village got it done over the last few years. Now whenever their wives conceive, they come and beat me up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9d3f8/villager_goes_for_vasectomy/
%
Probably only amusing if you work in construction...

3 construction workers went on a hunting trip - a crane operator, a laborer, and a surveyor. The three spent a good hour walking through the woods, looking for the laborer's tree stand before they realized they were lost. Looking around, they had no way to figure out which way to go to get back to the road.
"What do we do now?" asked the crane operator. The laborer just shrugged.
The surveyor thought for a minute, then pulled out a grade stake and wrote "DO NOT DISTURB" on both sides with a magic marker. Then he drove the stake in the ground with a hammer, tied a bright pink ribbon on it, and stood up.
The laborer said "What did you do that for? How's *that* gonna help us?" The surveyor just held up one finger and said "Wait."
After 5 minutes, the three heard a rumbling off in the distance. The next thing they knew, a bulldozer came bursting through the trees and plowed right over the surveyor's grade stake.
The surveyor pointed in the direction the bulldozer had come from and said "That way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9d0n3/probably_only_amusing_if_you_work_in_construction/
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Late katherine Johnson was such a gifted Mathematician

That when she died at age 101 she was in her prime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9cj8b/late_katherine_johnson_was_such_a_gifted/
%
A couple live outside Buffalo, and are used to the rhythms of preparing for large snows.

One of these preparations for many years has been tuning in to the local radio station at 6:00 the night before a storm for an important announcement.
On a typical pre-storm night, the wife would tune in just prior to 6 to hear a message about which side of the street cars were to be parked on.
For the first storm of the winter, she tuned in as usual and heard the following message:
"Urgent impending storm update: in order to accommodate snow plows, please park cars on the side of the street with odd-numbered houses. Thank you."
So she put on her coat, hurried outside, started the car, and moved it to the correct side of the street the radio announcer had instructed.
Three days later, another storm was imminent, so the wife tuned in as usual, this time coat in hand, prepared to learn where her car needed to go.
Then came the moment she was waiting for:
"Update for the incoming snow: for our snow plows to efficiently clear the roads, please make sure to park your cars..."
It was at this moment that static cut through. The wife sat on the edge of her seat, hoping to hear this important news. But the only other words she heard from the announcement were the final two words: "Thank you."
She turned to her husband, frantic. "What should I do? I don't know where to park the car! How do I find out which side of the street to park on?"
Her husband leaned back, sighed, and took a sip of coffee. "Honey," he said, "maybe you should leave the car in the driveway tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ci88/a_couple_live_outside_buffalo_and_are_used_to_the/
%
A man and a blonde are chatting in an elevator.

"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The blonde gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9cbks/a_man_and_a_blonde_are_chatting_in_an_elevator/
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What do you call it when an authoritarian state bans alcohol?

Teetotaltarianism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9c1t7/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_authoritarian_state/
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I saw a man on a date with his really hot wife and I jokingly asked him how he wound up with a woman so beautiful. He said, I put my hands on her I am a misogynist.

I was shocked and bewildered and looked to the wife for an explanation but she turned to her husband and said, honey you have to say "massage therapist".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9c0oq/i_saw_a_man_on_a_date_with_his_really_hot_wife/
%
I got a fortune cookie without a fortune in it today.

How unfortunate...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9blfg/i_got_a_fortune_cookie_without_a_fortune_in_it/
%
We all know Marines eat crayons, but what's their favorite flavor of crayon?

Crayonberry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9bhy2/we_all_know_marines_eat_crayons_but_whats_their/
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What do gay judges make in and out of court?

Mandates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9bgn2/what_do_gay_judges_make_in_and_out_of_court/
%
I’ve always dreamt of having a penis as long and wide as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda,

Fanta sized really

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9bdfu/ive_always_dreamt_of_having_a_penis_as_long_and/
%
Two archeologists are taking a piss

Two archeologists are out taking a piss in a remote area when a snake hidden in the grass bites the first one on the tip of his cock.
Archeologist 1 : I got bitten on the tip of my cock by a snake with yellow and blue rings
Archeologist 2 : that sounds pretty bad and there is no hospitals within 300km, im going to call a doctor, he will know what to do.
Archeologist 2 on the phone : Hi, my friend got bitten by a snake with blue and yellow rings and there is no hospital nearby, what should we do?
Doctor : It is a very dangerous snake, you need to put the wound in your mouth and suck on it for 15minutes until all the venom is out.
Archeologist 2 : ok thanks.
Archeologist 1 : So what did the doc said?
Archeologist 2 : He said that you were going to die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9bcj9/two_archeologists_are_taking_a_piss/
%
Gotcha!

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9b8r7/gotcha/
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A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What are you in for?" He asks again. "Sexual assault" the stranger replies. The stranger definitely doesn't look like a person who would commit such a crime so the criminal questions " You don't look like a person who would force himself on a woman. What exactly happened?"
The stranger answers "I had been to the town square just to check on the protests happening there. There were numerous media agencies covering the event. One reporter among them was wearing a shirt that had PRESS written on the chest."
He continues after a pause.
"So I did".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9b4u2/a_criminal_gets_arrested_nsfw/
%
In my spare time I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9azvk/in_my_spare_time_i_help_blind_children/
%
It was a random night

I was playing this Harry Potter game and it was really late at night. So my mom came and told me to Quidditch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ay0k/it_was_a_random_night/
%
They say Hitler used potatoes to treat his genital warts...

Talk about a Dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9axl7/they_say_hitler_used_potatoes_to_treat_his/
%
A girl I’m talking to asked me how I️ view lesbians

Apparently, “in HD” wasn’t the right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9arci/a_girl_im_talking_to_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbians/
%
What’s the difference between a speed bump and Ice Age Baby?

You slow down before running over the speed bump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9an4m/whats_the_difference_between_a_speed_bump_and_ice/
%
Little Johnny and his dad.

One night little Johnny wakes up to hear some banging on his bedroom wall and his mom sounding like she was in pain. He jumps out of bed and runs to his parents room, opens the door to find his dad on top of his mom giving her a good seeing too.
Little Johnny is horrified and shouts at his dad,
"What are you doing to my mom?"
His dad find this funny and throws a pillow at little Johnny and tells him to go back to bed.
Half an hour later his dad can hear moaning and banging coming from little Johnny's room and goes to investigate. He opens the door and finds little Johnny butt ass naked, wearing a gimp mask and smashing his granny from behind, doggy style.
As you can imagine his dad is mortified and screams,
"LITTLE JOHNNY WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING???"
Without missing a stroke little Johnny turns to his dad and says,
"It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9akov/little_johnny_and_his_dad/
%
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The flavor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ajh3/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_a_rectal/
%
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9aib2/what_do_you_call_someone_who_refuses_to_fart_in/
%
What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ahbq/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_and_finding/
%
What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?

Gum!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ah1z/what_goes_in_hard_and_dry_but_comes_out_soft_and/
%
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9ag3l/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_during_sex/
%
Whenever you feel that your job is useless

Remember that there are people out there who's job it is to install turn signals on BMWs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9aem7/whenever_you_feel_that_your_job_is_useless/
%
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9aeaq/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_accountant/
%
I want to start a deer breeding business

but first I'm gonna need about 5000 bucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9acep/i_want_to_start_a_deer_breeding_business/
%
What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common?

They both contain high amounts of trans fats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9abl1/what_does_tumblr_and_kfcs_chicken_have_in_common/
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What do you call a factory that produces passable products?

A Satisfactory!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9aaui/what_do_you_call_a_factory_that_produces_passable/
%
Why did the old man fall in the hole?

Because he couldn't see that well!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9aa5y/why_did_the_old_man_fall_in_the_hole/
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What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9a9qn/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, horrible atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9a8vq/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
What concert costs just 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9a89n/what_concert_costs_just_45_cents/
%
An international chess tournament is being held in a swank hotel in New York.

However, due to a conflicting convention the tables have been set up in the lobby. Everyone who is anyone in the world of chess is there. After a grueling 4 hours of chess, there is still no winner. In the lobby, the players get into a big argument about who is the brightest, the fastest, and the best chess player. The argument gets loud, each player claiming that he or she is the greatest chess player of all time. Someone comments, “If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9a7li/an_international_chess_tournament_is_being_held/
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Justice is a dish best served cold.

if it were served warm it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9a5rb/justice_is_a_dish_best_served_cold/
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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9a5c2/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
%
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9a343/my_daughter_screeched_daaaaaad_you_havent/
%
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9a24q/a_policeman_was_interrogating_3_guys_who_were/
%
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

Wife: Oh my! Who!?
Me: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
Wife: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
Me: No, it was with a knife...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9a1cw/me_i_was_just_listening_to_the_radio_on_my_way_in/
%
Being single and childless is not a choice

I was born this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9a0v2/being_single_and_childless_is_not_a_choice/
%
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?"

and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9a06y/today_my_son_asked_can_i_have_a_book_mark/
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A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.

He was delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f99zur/a_man_came_home_to_discover_that_someone_had/
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Why do the Native Americans hate when white people ask to use their WiFi?

They're taking all their LAN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f99wtf/why_do_the_native_americans_hate_when_white/
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Family Therapy

The guys comes home very happy, goes to his parents and  announces:
\- 'Mom, dad I finally found the girl I want to marry'
Mom: - 'That's a great news, who is she?'
\- 'She is the girl from the next block. They live on the fourth floor. You know her'
Mom: "Yes, she's a perfect girl. I am so happy for you".
Dad gets a little uncomfortable, takes his son aside and quietly tells him:
\- 'Look, the girl you are talking about, you can't marry her'
\- 'Why, what's wrong with her?', asks the son
\- 'Well, many years ago I had affair with her mom, and she was born. So, technically she's your sister'
The guys gets extremely disappointed but accepts the fact that he can't marry her. Four-five months later, one day he comes home happy again with another news:
\- "Mom, dad I found another girl and I am going to marry her"
\- 'Who's she, tell us more?', asks his mom.
\- 'The girls from opposite building. Your friends daughter'
As the previous time mom is extremely happy and  dad takes him aside and tells him that he can't marry her for the same reasons. This time the guy gets disappointed and tells his mom:
\- "Apparently, every girl in this neighborhood is my sister. I can't marry her cause she's dad's daughter."
His mom smiles and tells him:
\- 'Don't worry sonny. Go ahead and marry her. Even tho she could be your dad's daughter but you are definitely not his son'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f99w65/family_therapy/
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What do you get when you cross '1984' with instagram models?

The Thot Police

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f99sz1/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_1984_with/
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I used to hate my tumor

But then it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f99qa2/i_used_to_hate_my_tumor/
%
A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, he complied and returned the next day with an apple, an orange, and a Mars Bar.
The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. With one deft motion, the Doctor rammed the apple up the guy's arse, swiftly followed by the orange and the Mars Bar. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, I want to see you here at the same time every day for the rest of the week, and bring another orange, apple and Mars Bar." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.
All week the same routine ensued. First, the doctor rammed up an apple, then an orange, and then a Mars Bar
After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in an apple, and orange and a hammer."
"No Mars Bar?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.
"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.
On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the apple, and up went the orange.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.
Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's arse.
"WHERE'S MY FUCKING MARS BAR??"
"WHAM!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f99ov0/a_man_walked_into_his_doctors_office/
%
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, "Ron, I'm gay."

"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron.
"Yeah...that too," says Harry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f99oa3/harry_potter_and_ron_weasley_are_talking_harry/
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Why do noses run and feet smell?

I don't know, but my ass itches and my finger stinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f99nlq/why_do_noses_run_and_feet_smell/
%
Weinstein didn’t kill himself

What, too soon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f99k1t/weinstein_didnt_kill_himself/
%
What do a woman and a grenade have in common?

You pull off the ring and the house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f98yf3/what_do_a_woman_and_a_grenade_have_in_common/
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A woman at a bank asked me to help her in checking her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f98wxw/a_woman_at_a_bank_asked_me_to_help_her_in/
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What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f98k2a/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/
%
87-year-old Sammy Goldfarb goes into a confession booth at a neighborhood church

Sammy: "Father I have sinned! Every morning, on their way to work, these two beautiful young women knock on my door and come in and tear my clothes off and have wild sex with me! Every morning, Father! Every morning!"
Priest: "Sam? Sam Goldfarb? Is that you?"
Sammy: "Yes Father, it's me."
Priest: "But Sam. You're Jewish! You don't have to come in here and tell me."
Sammy: "Father, I'm telling EVERYBODY!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f98j5z/87yearold_sammy_goldfarb_goes_into_a_confession/
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Why did the spice get bullied?

Because he's ginger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f98eco/why_did_the_spice_get_bullied/
%
If you’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, what you are while you’re in there?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f983wx/if_youre_american_when_you_go_into_the_bathroom/
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I was a guide in a city tour for cross eyed people

“If you look to your right, you will see the Eiffel Tower on your left”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f97wnz/i_was_a_guide_in_a_city_tour_for_cross_eyed_people/
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I went to Runnymede where King John signed the Magna Carta

When I was stationed over there for a while.
The tour guide explained everything very well, and after a few minutes of history he asked if there were any questions.
The American wife of a fellow service member asked, "When did he sign it?"
The guide simply said, "1215."
The woman looked at her watch and loudly proclaimed, "Damn, we only missed it by forty-five minutes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9743b/i_went_to_runnymede_where_king_john_signed_the/
%
In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f973eu/in_honor_of_his_passing_my_dads_favorite_joke_to/
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What’s the difference between an art major and a homeless man.

About 5 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f97010/whats_the_difference_between_an_art_major_and_a/
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What do you call an army of sheep?

A 𝘉𝘢𝘢𝘩-ttalion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f96q4h/what_do_you_call_an_army_of_sheep/
%
The 3 unwritten rules of life.

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f96nau/the_3_unwritten_rules_of_life/
%
It had been raining non stop for weeks

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.
Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, "Jump in, I can save you."
The stranded fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."
So the rowboat went on.
Then a motorboat came by. "The fellow in the motorboat shouted, "Jump in, I can save you."
To this the stranded man said, "No thanks, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith."
So the motorboat went on.
Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, "Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety."
To this the stranded man again replied, "No thanks, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith."
So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.
Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, "I had faith in you but you didn't save me, you let me drown. I don't understand why!"
To this God replied, "I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f96lq7/it_had_been_raining_non_stop_for_weeks/
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Did you hear about McDonald's trying to the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big McSteak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f96lhe/did_you_hear_about_mcdonalds_trying_to_the_high/
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I hate the word pierce

Goes right through me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f96jvl/i_hate_the_word_pierce/
%
Won a game of Russian roulette

Walked away with $80 but their casinos are a shit hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f96jt0/won_a_game_of_russian_roulette/
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My friend promised he would hide a key to my cell in the noodles of my final meal.

When the guard went away I looked but there was gnocchi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f96g04/my_friend_promised_he_would_hide_a_key_to_my_cell/
%
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...

There was a lot more tripping than usual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9637k/my_blind_friend_did_lsd_for_the_first_time/
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Blonde guy gets home from work...

Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.
"Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!"
He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him:
"Dad! Uncle Terry's upstairs! And he's naked!"
He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.
"WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f962mm/blonde_guy_gets_home_from_work/
%
I have a hunger for sleep...

I have a napitite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f960n5/i_have_a_hunger_for_sleep/
%
You don’t find many European people with a fetish for feet

They’re more in to meters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f95lfp/you_dont_find_many_european_people_with_a_fetish/
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My love life is like a game of minesweeper

I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f95knz/my_love_life_is_like_a_game_of_minesweeper/
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A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f95j1y/a_british_man_is_visiting_australia/
%
Working in a mirror factory would be pretty cool.

I could totally see myself doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f94yg4/working_in_a_mirror_factory_would_be_pretty_cool/
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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f94xho/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
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I'm in jail because I beat my wife

The police showed up at our house because they got a call about suspicious activity in the area and stopped to see if we knew anything.
Officer: "We saw you both sprinting to the door of your home and thought we would make sure everyone is alright."
Me: *Speechless from not being able to catch my breath*
Wife: "he beat me!"
I was immediately handcuffed and booked into the county jail. Long story short, that's the last time I race my wife back from the bar and win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f94wgk/im_in_jail_because_i_beat_my_wife/
%
How did the cannibal win the cooking contest?

A lot of blood, sweat, and tears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f94l7t/how_did_the_cannibal_win_the_cooking_contest/
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Women call me Ugly until they figure out how much money I have

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f94jg9/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_figure_out_how_much/
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Man 1: “I love sandwiches!” Man 2: “Me too. By the way, I heard you just bought a horse! What did you name it?” Man 1: “Mayo.” Man 2: “Mayo? Why Mayo?”

Man 1: “Because he neighs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f94ivs/man_1_i_love_sandwiches_man_2_me_too_by_the_way_i/
%
I call my style of sex the fast and furious

I finish too fast and she gets furious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9445j/i_call_my_style_of_sex_the_fast_and_furious/
%
What did Edward say after taking Bella's tampon out of the freezer?

"Yay, I love popsicles!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f940i3/what_did_edward_say_after_taking_bellas_tampon/
%
I sued a guy for copying my idea for a water bottle briefcase

Unfortunately, my case didn't hold water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f93z20/i_sued_a_guy_for_copying_my_idea_for_a_water/
%
My friend just told me that he "took that s**t to the next level"

he s>!ha!<t himself in an elevator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f93obq/my_friend_just_told_me_that_he_took_that_st_to/
%
Sometimes it's so heavy I feel like my luggage has 7 billion people in it

That's the case for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f93irg/sometimes_its_so_heavy_i_feel_like_my_luggage_has/
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Why did Helen Keller mastutbate with one hand?

So she could moan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f93fi6/why_did_helen_keller_mastutbate_with_one_hand/
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Q: Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

A: He was tired of people talking behind his back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f93e34/q_why_did_the_taxi_driver_quit_his_job/
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What do anti vax kids and my memes have in common?

They die in new.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f93dje/what_do_anti_vax_kids_and_my_memes_have_in_common/
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There was an American and a Russian arguing..

Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’”
The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘General Secretary, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f93bh1/there_was_an_american_and_a_russian_arguing/
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You Dropped Your Purse..

‪I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.‬
‪As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.‬
‪So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!”‬
‪She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.‬
‪As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, “You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald’s.‬
‪“Thank you so much she said, Where is it?”‬
‪I said, “I’ve just told you, on the floor outside McDonald’s.”‬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f937ry/you_dropped_your_purse/
%
How do Ewoks talk in a library?

They use their endor voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f937ha/how_do_ewoks_talk_in_a_library/
%
I wrote this joke about abortion.

I don't think I'm gonna keep it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f935gy/i_wrote_this_joke_about_abortion/
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A man gets up on a stage.

He checks to see if the microphone is working by asking “are there any Michaels here? Any Michaels please stand up.”
A few guys stand up.
He then says “that concludes my mike check.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f934zy/a_man_gets_up_on_a_stage/
%
He who laughs last

Probably didn't filter by new

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f92zjm/he_who_laughs_last/
%
Tinder is for rookies

Go to Facebook marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f92yu0/tinder_is_for_rookies/
%
My wife said we should have a cheat day once a month while we are dieting...

Apparently it only involved food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f92vg4/my_wife_said_we_should_have_a_cheat_day_once_a/
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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.
The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear.
He says to the couple, "You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other." He pauses, and then adds: "It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area and…well, just have a good time."
The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes.
The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush.
The angel glanced at his watch. "You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!"
The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, "Ok! But this time, \*you\* have to hold the pigeon while \*I\* get to shit on its head!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f92q3n/two_statues_one_nude_male_one_nude_female_sit/
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Job Interview : "How do you perform under pressure"

I usually have my band with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f92p8n/job_interview_how_do_you_perform_under_pressure/
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Politics

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is Politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son?
Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, The People are being completely ignored and The Future is full of shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f92kle/politics/
%
My father was diagnosed with alzheimer's last year, so I've gotten really good at introducing myself...

To all of mom's new boyfriends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f92jkc/my_father_was_diagnosed_with_alzheimers_last_year/
%
I hear Medusa was quite the catch

She could make any guy hard with just one look

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f92hu5/i_hear_medusa_was_quite_the_catch/
%
A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing, but you mean your mother.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f92crk/a_freudian_slip_is_when_you_say_one_thing_but_you/
%
The new mobile theater inside an R/V sucks.

All they show is trailers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f929kb/the_new_mobile_theater_inside_an_rv_sucks/
%
(NSFW) Getting Screwed Thousand Times

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
...
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f91zot/nsfw_getting_screwed_thousand_times/
%
I made a playlist for hiking!

It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my....Trail Mix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f91wn2/i_made_a_playlist_for_hiking/
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There was two windmills in a field

One asked the other “What type of music do you like?”
The other replied “Well I’m a big metal fan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f91shw/there_was_two_windmills_in_a_field/
%
Why couldn’t the dragon get a boner?

He had a reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f91ryw/why_couldnt_the_dragon_get_a_boner/
%
I’m thinking about trying cyanide

I’ve heard it’s a once in a lifetime experience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f91roh/im_thinking_about_trying_cyanide/
%
Did you hear about the crab that could paint?

There was a crab that people taught how to paint. He eventually got better and started painting these Renaissance-like paintings
His name was Leonardo Da-Pinchi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f91poe/did_you_hear_about_the_crab_that_could_paint/
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My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry

She really loved that cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f91p4r/my_wife_was_sick_to_the_stomach_when_i_told_her_i/
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Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

Fo’ drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9191q/why_does_snoop_dog_carry_an_umbrella/
%
A man came in to give his application to the manager.

But the manager asked, “Why is there a four-year gap in your application?”
And the man responded, “Yale.”
The manager hired him and the guy said, “Thanks. I needed a yob.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f918sw/a_man_came_in_to_give_his_application_to_the/
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As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?

And then I check with the school to find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9186j/as_a_substitute_teacher_i_get_up_every_morning/
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Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends & family?

She got involved with Alderaan people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f915de/why_did_princess_leia_lose_all_her_friends_family/
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A man was struck by a bus on a busy street.

He knew his injuries were too severe to survive so, being a devout Catholic, he called for a priest to pray for him in his last moments. The surrounding crowd frantically searched the area for a priest, but none could be found. Finally, an elderly Jewish man stepped out of the crowd. “Now I’m not a priest”, he said. “I’m not even catholic. But I live right behind a church, and when I’m home at night I can hear the chanting over loudspeakers. I don’t know what it means, but after all this time I have it memorized. I can recite them for you, if it will help”. The man decided it was better than nothing. “Go ahead”, he said. The old man thought for a second and said “B-29, I-53, N-14...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f913cf/a_man_was_struck_by_a_bus_on_a_busy_street/
%
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward...

But that's just how I roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9125v/sometimes_i_tuck_my_knees_into_my_chest_and_lean/
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Just renewed my car insurance over the phone, and as I was about to hang up the lass on the other end asked if I had a pet.

I said, "I've got a dog."
She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"
I said, "Fuck off, he can't fucking drive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f90wxt/just_renewed_my_car_insurance_over_the_phone_and/
%
Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f90s42/today_i_quit_drinking_for_good/
%
My dad just read an article entitled "Mars is humming. Scientists aren't sure why."

His response? "Maybe it doesn't know the words."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f90imb/my_dad_just_read_an_article_entitled_mars_is/
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Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What's left?

The opposite of right..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f90ikc/take_4_and_subtract_2_from_it_whats_left/
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A LITTLE girl was at a wedding with her parents.

Slightly confused after the nuptials, she asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. “What do you mean?” asked the mother, perplexed.
“Well,” the little girl said, “She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f90hyi/a_little_girl_was_at_a_wedding_with_her_parents/
%
Weinstein didn’t kill himself

Sorry just practicing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f90hi5/weinstein_didnt_kill_himself/
%
What do you call a 50 year old nerd?

Boss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f90grh/what_do_you_call_a_50_year_old_nerd/
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JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

**ME:** That’s beautiful.
**CARL DOUGLAS:** Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
**ME:** No, you’re right, that’s better. Carl’s is better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f90fux/john_lennon_imagine_all_the_people_living_life_in/
%
How do Australian chess players send their food back?

"It's stale, mate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f904wc/how_do_australian_chess_players_send_their_food/
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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One turns to the other and asks, "\*does this taste funny to you?\*"
The other responds, "\*no.\*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f901fu/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
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A woman goes to the doctor

... worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "It keeps your mouth shut".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f9005u/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Children are like farts

You don't mind them when they're your own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8zykt/children_are_like_farts/
%
MY SO left me because I'm too insecure

Oh wait nvm, she's back. Just went to go to the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8zg67/my_so_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
I love the smell of my f5 key...

It is very refreshing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8z9qx/i_love_the_smell_of_my_f5_key/
%
In movies these days, half the time the villains are on the right side

The other half they're on the left side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8z8o3/in_movies_these_days_half_the_time_the_villains/
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I have an unusual fear of Semi-trucks

I guess you could call me antisemitic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8yzz1/i_have_an_unusual_fear_of_semitrucks/
%
My boyfriend called me gay.

I was offended. Us men gotta stick together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ywu3/my_boyfriend_called_me_gay/
%
Last night I swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8yq9l/last_night_i_swallowed_some_scrabble_tiles/
%
Why is the ”ghetto” named so?

Where else you can you “get a hoe”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8yfw3/why_is_the_ghetto_named_so/
%
What's the least spoken language on earth?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8yazy/whats_the_least_spoken_language_on_earth/
%
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.....

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.
Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters
**Wife: Apps**
Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters
**Wife: Teen**
Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters
**Wife: Didn’t**
Husband: Take a life, 4 letters
**Wife: Kill**
Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters
**Wife: Hymns**
Husband: Santa’s little helper, 3 letters
**Wife: Elf**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8y5cs/a_husband_and_wife_are_doing_a_crossword_puzzle/
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What do whores and turtles have in common?

When their on their back they’re fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8xx2t/what_do_whores_and_turtles_have_in_common/
%
Kiss in the neck can be a sweet, romantic gesture

not sure why everybody in the bus is freaking out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8xsta/kiss_in_the_neck_can_be_a_sweet_romantic_gesture/
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I'm going to create a holistic, astrology focused mechanic's garage

Mind, Auto Body & Spirit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8xla6/im_going_to_create_a_holistic_astrology_focused/
%
I asked my doctor if coronavirus spreads through sex

"if you do handshakes while doing it, yeah"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8xcjz/i_asked_my_doctor_if_coronavirus_spreads_through/
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Yo momma’s teeth are so yellow

When she smiles, cars slow down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8x5kb/yo_mommas_teeth_are_so_yellow/
%
Three pieces of strings walk into a bar

One string walks toward the bartender and asks for three drinks, for himself & his friends. The bartender says they don’t serve strings and refuses their order. The second string does the same thing, and also get turned down similarly.
The third string thinks for a while, and ties himself in the middle and pulls the end of him all out. He now approaches the bar, but without him saying anything, the bartender offers him the three drinks they had been asking for. And the bartender says, “here are your drinks. You’re not one of those strings are you?”. The piece of strings say, “No, I’m a frayed knot”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8wzmq/three_pieces_of_strings_walk_into_a_bar/
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A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door...

...and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline." Have you ever used the product?'
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time,"
The researcher then asks, "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8wxoj/a_man_doing_market_research_for_vaseline_knocked/
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TIL Dennis Rodman once tried to start a topless women’s basketball league

The league flopped due to too little support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8wggn/til_dennis_rodman_once_tried_to_start_a_topless/
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Why was the vulture stopped by TSA?

Because carrion wasn’t allowed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8w9xc/why_was_the_vulture_stopped_by_tsa/
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In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together.  One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job.  Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home.  One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot.  He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food.  After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store.  In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off.  He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store.  His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving.  An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital.  He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical.  They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door.  Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues.  Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door.  When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper.  He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears.  "Oh no!  This always happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?"  asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld.  I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended.  I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is noticeably upset.  He says "Wait!  Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life?  After all, YOU made the mistake.  Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks.  "How about a challenge?  If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs.  "I will beat you in any challenge.  What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles.  "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth.  5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull.  It's glistening.  He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes.  After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright.  The grim reaper grins.  "You are foolish human.  But, you are entitled to your chance."
The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman.  When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste.  He smiles.
It's unbelievable.
The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.
The winner is obvious.  The grim reaper hangs his head in shame.  "You win, human.  This time.  Your brother will live."  He disappears in a puff of smoke.  At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital.  Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy.  Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings.  It's his brother, the dentist.  He picks up.  "Hey bro.  You'll never believe what happened.  Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car.  They say I almost died."
The dentist smiles on the phone and says.  "That's interesting, bro.  Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8w48k/in_celebration_of_my_cake_day_heres_the_worst/
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A man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical.....

The doctor: Good morning sir, you need to stop masturbating.
The man: Why? What’s the problem?
The Doctor: Well sir, i’m trying to examine you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8w47t/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_his_yearly_physical/
%
Little Johnny comes home from school feeling very proud of himself.

Mom: Hello Johnny, you are looking very pleased about something.
Johnny: I got a question right that nobody else knew the answer to.
Mom: Oh that's brilliant, well done, what was the question?.
Johnny: Who has just farted?.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8vzn8/little_johnny_comes_home_from_school_feeling_very/
%
After having anal sex with my wife she had a prolapse.

She was really bummed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8vyt1/after_having_anal_sex_with_my_wife_she_had_a/
%
I never understood why people are so scared of snakes

They're completely armless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8vup3/i_never_understood_why_people_are_so_scared_of/
%
What did the people of the Socialist country use before candles?

Electricity!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8vrp7/what_did_the_people_of_the_socialist_country_use/
%
Donald Trump went to see a Psychic recently

Donald Trump went to a psychic recently to ask what she saw in his future. She closed her eyes and went into a trance before saying the following: "I see a parade in your honor in Washington D.C. There are hundreds of thousands of people lining the streets. They are all smiling, and cheering, and waving American flags. Millions more are watching the event on television - - across the country and around the world. There is a great feeling of excitement and profound joy. The world has never seen such happiness and joy. I see Melania. She has the biggest smile on her face. She too has never been this happy."
With that, Trump said smugly, "I hope my hair looks OK. How's my hair?"
She replied, "I can't tell. Its closed casket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8vrmp/donald_trump_went_to_see_a_psychic_recently/
%
Why do worms consider themselves to be hippies?

It's because they're down to earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8vljk/why_do_worms_consider_themselves_to_be_hippies/
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A young wife thought she had the perfect sex life.

The only problem was, her husband insisted the bedroom be totally dark.  This annoyed her.  One night, she positioned herself to reach the bedside lamp, and when things were well underway, she switched on the light.
To her amazement, she saw that her husband was wearing a strap-on!
"Dude, how long have you been using a dildo on me?"  she demanded.
"As long as we've been married.  Seven years."
"Dude, you have some explaining to do."
"I can explain the dildo, if you can explain the kids."
MORAL:  If you might not like the conclusions, don't collect the data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8vibo/a_young_wife_thought_she_had_the_perfect_sex_life/
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Sex with me is like going to the beach

There's a chance you'll find crabs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8vbzf/sex_with_me_is_like_going_to_the_beach/
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Scientists removed the right half brain of a man...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten.  The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."
Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten.  The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."
The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.
The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten.  We're gonna count.  Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers.  All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times.  They said we couldn't count to ten.  Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls.  We're gonna count to ten.  Everybody, count to ten.  Okay?  And let me tell you - let me tell you something.  I will be the best counting President God has ever created.  We are gonna count to \*so\* many tens, I tell you.  Look at that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8vb1o/scientists_removed_the_right_half_brain_of_a_man/
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Why do you only sell block cheese?

To make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8usdu/why_do_you_only_sell_block_cheese/
%
So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.

The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do.  So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle.  I would love to ride it around the world.  Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?"  The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of disappointment tells the guy "while I am in fact a mighty powerful genie, not all wishes can be granted.  A wish of that magnitude is impossible.  Think of something else".  The guy thinks for a moment and says "ya know what Gene?  I love reading reddit.  One of my favorite subreddits is r/jokes, but all that is there are reposts.  Can you get some new material on there for me?"
The genie replies "Ok.....so was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8uqfx/so_this_dude_was_walking_down_a_beach_and_kicked/
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I have a question about cow tipping.

Is 15% enough?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ujle/i_have_a_question_about_cow_tipping/
%
A little boy was sitting in class...

The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.
The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?"
Little Timmy was bouncing up and down in his seat, arm raised: "OOH! OOH! I KNOW!"
Before the teacher could call on him, little Julie stood and said: "Franklin Roosevelt".
"Very good Julie, you can go." the teacher replied. "Okay class, which president said: 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?"
Again, little Timmy's hand shot into the air and he waved his arms excitedly. "OOH! OOH! I KNOW! PLEASE!"
Again, before she had a chance to call on anyone, little Sally stood and said: "John Kennedy"
"Very good Sally, you may leave also." The teacher asked again "Okay class, which President said: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall?"
Before Timmy could answer, little Jennifer jumped up and shouted: "Ronald Reagan!"
Frustrated, little Timmy mumbled to himself: "I wish these bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!"
The teacher heard and shouted: "WHO SAID THAT!?!"
Timmy jumped up: "Bill Clinton! Can I go now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ui46/a_little_boy_was_sitting_in_class/
%
A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at ‘em all and says “I ain’t serving Narnia!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8u4hx/a_lion_a_witch_and_a_wardrobe_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?

They use their Endor voices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8u4ev/why_do_ewoks_talk_quietly_in_the_library/
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A police officer called into the station from his squad car.

"I have a homicide here," he says. "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."  " Have you arrested her?" asks the sergeant. "No, not yet. The floor's still wet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ty8g/a_police_officer_called_into_the_station_from_his/
%
Two hunters are in the woods

The first hunter gets down on his knees examining the droppings and scat on the ground, and the second hunter, confused, asks him “what are you doing”?
The first hunter replies “I am just trying to figure some shit out”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8tn6a/two_hunters_are_in_the_woods/
%
So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit!  Nine-iron!"
He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot.  "What did you say, little frog?"
And the frog repeats.  "Ribbit!  Nine-iron!"
So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches clubs to his 9-iron.  He lines up his shot, swings, and it is a beautiful shot.  The ball sails through the air and when it lands if falls 5 ft from the hole.
"That's amazing!"
"Ribbit! Told you!"
So the man scoops up the little frog, puts it on his golf cart, and drives towards his ball.  And with the little frogs help he golfs the greatest game in his life.  He's lowered his handicap by 5 strokes.
Then he gets an idea.
He travels with the frog to Las Vegas.  He sits down at a blackjack table, and with the little frogs help he plays hand after hand.
"What do you think, little frog?"
I'm a little frog response, "Ribbit!  Take a card!" or "Ribbit! Stay!"
And in very short order the man is up twenty grand.  So quickly in fact that the hotel and casino comps him a room.  The penthouse, in fact.
And the man gets another idea. He orders room service, and with the little frogs help he picks out the most fantastic meal he's ever had in his life.
"Ribbit! T-bone steak!"
The food comes to the room, he eats it, and he is completely satisfied.  He lies down on the bed, the little frog on the pillow next to him, and he says, "Thank you so much, little frog. This is one of the greatest days of my life. And it was all thanks to you. How can I ever repay you?"
And the little frog says, "Ribbit! Kiss me!"
The man is taken a back for a second.  "I'm sorry, what did you say, little frog?"
And the frog just repeats.  "Ribbit!  Kiss me!"
I saw the man balls over it for a moment, figures what the hell, the frog has given him a really good day so what exactly does he have to deny this frog?
he leans in, and he kisses the frog, at which point the frog in a big puff of smoke turns into a gorgeous -- although completely naked -- 15 year old girl.
*"And that, Your Honor, is how she got into my hotel room!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8tljz/so_this_guy_decides_to_take_off_work_to_go_golfing/
%
I didn't really like my conjoined twin brother at first

But then he grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8th3t/i_didnt_really_like_my_conjoined_twin_brother_at/
%
How do you give a toddler a mid-life crisis?

You tell them they've already had one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8tfup/how_do_you_give_a_toddler_a_midlife_crisis/
%
Every kid has done this at least once in their life

Billy: Mommy I don't feel good,I think I have measles, a fever, and the corona virus!
Mom: Oh honey-
Billy: Mom I think I am even going blind in my right eye! I have a headache, chicken pox to!
Mom: Ok should I-
Billy: Mom, I think I can't go to school today
Mom: It's a Saturday
Billy: Oh, never mind I'm fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8tf6g/every_kid_has_done_this_at_least_once_in_their/
%
What’s worse then ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8tbf7/whats_worse_then_ants_in_your_pants/
%
A little kid was watching Donald Trump talk about England. "Mommy, why is it called a kingdom?"

"Because, honey, it's ruled by a *king*!"
"Then why is the U.S. called a country?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8t1cc/a_little_kid_was_watching_donald_trump_talk_about/
%
A capital B is a pregnant P,

because it got the D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8t0o0/a_capital_b_is_a_pregnant_p/
%
Even if tectonic plates aren't dishwasher safe...

I bet they make for a great continental breakfast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8sr9x/even_if_tectonic_plates_arent_dishwasher_safe/
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If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it

It’s spam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8sptw/if_anyone_gets_a_message_from_me_about_canned/
%
A priest and a rabbi were walking down the street...

When a little boy, about 8, jumps in front of them and moons them before giggling and running away.
The rabbi says, “Someone oughta do something to that little asshole.”
The priest, smiling, says “That’s what I was thinking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8smfd/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_were_walking_down_the_street/
%
My wife and I are like the two Koreas

We'll never come together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8skz1/my_wife_and_i_are_like_the_two_koreas/
%
What is yellow and can’t swim?

A man from LEGO CITY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8sh3e/what_is_yellow_and_cant_swim/
%
What do lesbians and turtles have in common

They both choke on plastic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8sed2/what_do_lesbians_and_turtles_have_in_common/
%
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8sd5c/my_chinese_waiter_thinks_all_white_people_look/
%
What do you call two cardiologists having a chat

A heart to heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8scaj/what_do_you_call_two_cardiologists_having_a_chat/
%
How do you get a calculator mad?

By pushing it's buttons!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8sbh0/how_do_you_get_a_calculator_mad/
%
If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I'm going to Mexico

but not by choice though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8s8g6/if_that_fucker_trump_gets_reelected_im_going_to/
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Two idiots want to escape prison

One says "Go to the wall, if it's short enough we'll jump over it. If it's too tall, we'll dig a tunnel."
The other one goes outside to check.
When he returns, he says "Dude, we can't escape."
"What!? Why?"
>!"There's no wall"!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8s5es/two_idiots_want_to_escape_prison/
%
Have you ever been to Engaged, Ohio?

It’s somewhere between Dayton and Marion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8s4j0/have_you_ever_been_to_engaged_ohio/
%
What’s a pirates favourite letter?

You’d think it be Arrrrr but his true love be the Seaaaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8rkl2/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
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A man in a motel called for a prostitute.

The pimp replied " $50 for an ugly one, $500 for a pretty one. " The man wanted an ugly one.
She arrived and undressed herself and was told  to sit naked on the sofa overnight.
In the  morning, she asked "Why did you call me to come here? "
He replied " There are too many mosquitoes here "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8rkb4/a_man_in_a_motel_called_for_a_prostitute/
%
Did you hear about the race between two ties?

It was neck and neck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8rj4t/did_you_hear_about_the_race_between_two_ties/
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Grandma asks her grandson

“Hey sweetie, what’s the name of that German guy that goes around my house hiding my stuff?”
“Alzheimer grandma, Alzheimer!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8rg08/grandma_asks_her_grandson/
%
Mrs Piggy and her husband got in a fight last night...

She's come out with a few bruises, but her husband is said to be Kermitose...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8r8u8/mrs_piggy_and_her_husband_got_in_a_fight_last/
%
Why do we tell actors "break A leg"?

Because every play has a cast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8r4a2/why_do_we_tell_actors_break_a_leg/
%
What would you call the Qur’an if it were a novel?

The Qur’anicles of Mohammad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8qzhm/what_would_you_call_the_quran_if_it_were_a_novel/
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„Man you heard about that Virus Outbreak in Italy?“

„Yeah man, looks like it’s being pasta round“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8qvpn/man_you_heard_about_that_virus_outbreak_in_italy/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers ?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8qoj0/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/
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Whats similar between a hurricane and women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with \*\*THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!\*\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8qmy2/whats_similar_between_a_hurricane_and_women/
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They're accepting contactless for donations in churches now

I just wish they had contactless priests too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8qh08/theyre_accepting_contactless_for_donations_in/
%
What do French people smoke

Oui-d

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8q95l/what_do_french_people_smoke/
%
In a Spanish town, testicles of the bull are served in a restaurant the next day of a bullfight.

In the  restaurant, a man orders testicles.He is  surprised and asks ' Why are the testicles so small?'
The  restaurant owner  replies ' The  bull won yesterday.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8q80t/in_a_spanish_town_testicles_of_the_bull_are/
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How do you tell the sex of an ant?

You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8pz2m/how_do_you_tell_the_sex_of_an_ant/
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What does the speaker say to the dog when they first meet?

"Sup, woofer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8pxoh/what_does_the_speaker_say_to_the_dog_when_they/
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A weasel walks into a bar. Surprised, the bartender asked "what can I get you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8pt83/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar_surprised_the_bartender/
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Lottery..

A woman asks her husband, “what would you do if we won the lottery”
Husband says:
“I would take my half and leave”
Wife replies:
“Here’s $6, we won $12, take it and go”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8pjm0/lottery/
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A paedophile goings into a florist and says “I’d like to order some flowers”

“Orchids?” asks the florist
“No, just the flowers” he replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8phgy/a_paedophile_goings_into_a_florist_and_says_id/
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Bear joke my co-worker told me

So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others
“im the greatest bear hunter there ever was”
2 of the 3 friends disagree and say
“no way i am”
an argument breaks out until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says
“i have never been bear hunting, maybe we should all go to see whose best at it?”
The friends agree go home and wait until the next day, they all get in a car and drive the forest while they are in the car one friend turns to the bear hunting novice and says
When hunting a bear be very quiet, unless it sees you then you either get big and tall to scare it or you run, it will chase you until you get to saftey”
The man noted this and they got to the cabin they rented for the hunting trip, they set up and search around for hours hunting bears, but they find none, they head back to camp and fall asleep
When they all awake they notice that the bear hunting novice is gone so they get up look around until they head outside, they start to call his name but no answer, they grab their guns and walk a little till they hear the sound of running
The novice is running at full speed towards the cabin with a giant black bear behind him, the other 3 friends pull him into the cabin and shoot the bear dead, the friends all curious and angry with the novice asked
“What the hell were you doing?”
And finally after the novice catches his breath he says
“Hunting, now stay here im gonna have a drink of water, and ill go get you another one”
P.s this isnt a great joke but it made me laugh when he told it to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8pdya/bear_joke_my_coworker_told_me/
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Guy goes to a doctor and says I'm really sick, don't know what's wrong with me. Doctor says wow, I don't know what this is - so I will need a stool sample, a urine specimen, and and sperm sample.

Guy says, Doc I'm kind of in a hurry. Can I just leave you my shorts?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8pdn7/guy_goes_to_a_doctor_and_says_im_really_sick_dont/
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What did it cost Hydra to kill Tony Stark's parents?

One Buck...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8pcg5/what_did_it_cost_hydra_to_kill_tony_starks_parents/
%
What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8pbdw/what_do_you_call_immigrants_to_sweden/
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A lady returns home late at night and finds one of her servants in her bedroom.

She approaches him and says, "Take off my shoes."
He takes off her shoes.
"Take off my dress."
He takes off her dress.
"Take off my bra."
He takes off her bra.
"And if I see you one more time dressing up in my clothes, you're *fired*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8p3lw/a_lady_returns_home_late_at_night_and_finds_one/
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I came home to find candle light in my dining table,my favourite meatloaf in the oven and my wife dressed up in lingerie

She came close to me and whispered " I shaved my vagina . Do you know what that means ?"
"Oh fuck , you clogged the drains again! Where is the plunger? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8p3lu/i_came_home_to_find_candle_light_in_my_dining/
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What do you call a loud child?

A minor annoyance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8p3id/what_do_you_call_a_loud_child/
%
Mike Hughes flew a home-made rocket to prove the earth was flat and killed himself.

Wait what subreddit am I on?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8p38j/mike_hughes_flew_a_homemade_rocket_to_prove_the/
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"The problem with quotes found on the internet is that they are often not true"

- Abraham Lincoln

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8p2ad/the_problem_with_quotes_found_on_the_internet_is/
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A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician

each enter a room containing a bucket of water, and a garbage can that is burning.  The physicist looks at the fire then looks at the bucket of water.  Pulls out a sheet of paper and calculates the exact amount of water required to put the fire out, carefully measures it from the bucket and dumps it on the fire with not a drop wasted.  The engineer enters the room looks at the fire then looks at the bucket, grabs the bucket and dumps it on the fire and puts it out.  The mathematician enters the room, looks at the fire, then looks at the bucket.  then looks at the fire again, and looks at the bucket again.  He puts his arms in the air and yells “A SOLUTION EXISTS!!” and walks out of the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8oxf5/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_mathematician/
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I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early.

She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.
In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ovxr/i_was_having_sex_with_a_woman_when_her_husband/
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She: “Give it to me, I’m so wet! give it to me!”

She can scream all she wants but the towel is mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8otyu/she_give_it_to_me_im_so_wet_give_it_to_me/
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A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip...

They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. “You forgot to account for wind, give it here”, he snatches the rifle, licks his fingers and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells “We got him!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8oi1s/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_statistician_go_on/
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If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men?

"friends"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8og7u/if_men_call_short_women_petite_what_do_women_call/
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What do you call an uncool worm?

Warm!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8o6ai/what_do_you_call_an_uncool_worm/
%
When I was younger I thought wearing glasses meant you were smarter than everyone else...

...now I realize those are the people who would get killed in the wild.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8o4fq/when_i_was_younger_i_thought_wearing_glasses/
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Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?

Because they did it before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8o3lp/why_do_hipsters_keep_drowning_while_iceskating/
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I have a question again!

So my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate then burn them, But what the fuck do I do with the letters!?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8o0lo/i_have_a_question_again/
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Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8o032/been_chatting_with_this_14_year_old_girl_real/
%
Why does Santa have such a big sack ?

He only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8nw5n/why_does_santa_have_such_a_big_sack/
%
A man walks into an Apple store

and begins to browse some of the items. He looks at phones, then the computers. He finally decides to go to the tablets. In this area, there were a lot more people than in other places.
Suddenly, he released a massive fart that everybody in a 30 ft radius heard.
Some people laughed, and some ignored it, but after a while, they realized that the smell wasn’t going away, and they all turned against the man, and he is forced to leave the store.
As he exists the store he mutters “it’s not my fault they don’t have windows”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8nqz1/a_man_walks_into_an_apple_store/
%
Why do people read in Starbucks?

because white noise helps them concentrate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8nmno/why_do_people_read_in_starbucks/
%
How many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already lit fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8nitx/how_many_sup_dudes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
New study shows that overweight women...

...live significantly longer than men who mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8nfjo/new_study_shows_that_overweight_women/
%
What do you call a cow that masturbates?

Beef Stroganoff.
Lololol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8nf4k/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_masturbates/
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I have the sex appeal of a math book.

Ive never seen anyone open a math book and didn't say "fuck me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8nbdh/i_have_the_sex_appeal_of_a_math_book/
%
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8n92o/a_police_officer_pulls_a_guy_over_for_speeding/
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Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.
(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8n5o4/did_you_hear_about_the_european_country_ruled_by/
%
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said..

“Burger and chips, please.”
“Certainly, Sir,” I replied.
“Are you eating in or taking out?”
“Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8n4kg/some_bloke_walked_up_to_the_counter_and_said/
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Genies really turn me on

In fact I’m gonna rub one out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8myib/genies_really_turn_me_on/
%
It's not that difficult to eat a clock...

...But it's time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8my38/its_not_that_difficult_to_eat_a_clock/
%
I didn’t want to believe my friend was stealing from the road construction site.

But I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8mr3j/i_didnt_want_to_believe_my_friend_was_stealing/
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She: “Give it to me, I’m soo wet! give it to me!”

Me: She can scream all she wants but the umbrella is mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8mqhv/she_give_it_to_me_im_soo_wet_give_it_to_me/
%
Little Sally came home from school

with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8mizd/little_sally_came_home_from_school/
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Errors are red, my screen is blue

Errors are red,
My screen is blue.
Someone help me,
I’ve deleted “Sys32”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8m9ls/errors_are_red_my_screen_is_blue/
%
I saw a sign that said "Watch for children"

And I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8m4bp/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_watch_for_children/
%
Why couldn't the pony sing a lullaby?

Because it was a little horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8lte5/why_couldnt_the_pony_sing_a_lullaby/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8lsx3/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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A guy and his girlfriend are crossing a street

He looks both directions for traffic, but when she notices this, she says, "There's no point, it's a one way."
He responds, "What if the first people to try anal said that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8lkf7/a_guy_and_his_girlfriend_are_crossing_a_street/
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Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?

He was taking everything with a grain of salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8lidy/why_did_the_skeptic_suffer_from_high_blood/
%
A guy is driving through a snowstorm in Alaska when his car breaks down...

...so he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic.  As he awaits the diagnosis he steps out for a smoke.  He walks back in after smoking and a few moments later the mechanic comes out and says to him, "um...it looks like you blew a seal."  To which the man responds, "oh nah, that's just some frost on my moustache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8lc6x/a_guy_is_driving_through_a_snowstorm_in_alaska/
%
A man flashes two old nuns on a bench. The first nun has a stroke

The second couldn't quite reach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8lb6b/a_man_flashes_two_old_nuns_on_a_bench_the_first/
%
Why does Waldo always wear stripes?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8larh/why_does_waldo_always_wear_stripes/
%
What happens when you put Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Reeve, Chris Pratt and Chris Evans in the same room?

A Chrisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8l29w/what_happens_when_you_put_chris_pine_chris/
%
I had to put my foot down today

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ksgw/i_had_to_put_my_foot_down_today/
%
Why do women like to have sex with their eyes closed?

Because they can’t stand to see their husband enjoy themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8kmq3/why_do_women_like_to_have_sex_with_their_eyes/
%
Four Surgeons

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8kmba/four_surgeons/
%
A very sick main walks onto a pier.

He slowly stumbles around and eventually makes his way to the end of the dock to a small shed.
He stands in front of it and knocks on the door. As soon as someone answers he whimpers, "Can anyone in the help me?"
An old sailor takes one look at him, and says "I think you're at the wrong dock door".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8kige/a_very_sick_main_walks_onto_a_pier/
%
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass

The doctor described his condition as stable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8khvi/a_man_was_hospitalised_with_6_plastic_horses_up/
%
A woman goes to the doctor. “Doc! I have two green spots on my inner thighs. And they’re growing”

The doctor examines her but can’t figure out why the two green spots inside her thighs exist or why they’re slowly getting larger.
The doctor is dumbfounded and finally takes her sexual history.
“Are you in a sexual relationship?”
“Yes doc.  With my boyfriend.”
“Tell me about him.”
“Well, he’s a Gypsie.”
“Ahhh!” Said the doctor. “Well, the good news is that you’ll be fine. The bad news is his earrings aren’t real gold.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8kg0f/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_doc_i_have_two_green/
%
What do you call a mallard that cheats at hide-and-seek?

Peking duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8kch8/what_do_you_call_a_mallard_that_cheats_at/
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An old, gross joke about deer hunting

*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*
I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game warden, he wanted to see my hunting permit. I showed him my N.C. permit, after which he proceeded to stick his finger up the deer's asshole. He pulled his finger out and smelled it. The warden told me that the deer was a Virgina deer, and he wanted to see my Virgina permit. I had hunted in Norfork, Virgina about two months ago, so I looked through my wallet and showed him my Virgina permit.  He was very upset because he got some enjoyment from handing out fines to hunters without permits.
About one week later I was out hunting again on the same property. I was in a tree stand for almost seven hours before I spotted my first deer. I had a clean shot, and popped the deer right in the neck. While taking the deer back to my truck, the same perverted warden came up and insisted he be allowed to inspect the deer. He stuck his finger right up the deer's ass and then smelled and licked his finger. I was about to throw up. He told me that the deer was from South Carolina and he wanted my S.C. permit.  I ran back to my truck and got the S.C. permit out of my glove compartment.  This time the warden seemed even more upset then he did the last time. Of course he could not give me a ticket and he had to let me go.
I shot three more deers during the rest of the season, and every time he did the same thing. He stuck his finger up the deer's butt and told me that I needed I license from Georgia, Alabama, and then West Virgina. I had a permit for every state. He was so mad when I showed him my permit from West Virgina, I thought he was going to kill me. He said " Boy, you got a permit for every damn state in the South, Where the hell you from?"
I pulled down my pants and bent over, and then told the warden, "why don't you tell me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8k8yu/an_old_gross_joke_about_deer_hunting/
%
What is an unusual fortune teller called?

Medium Rare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8k7cg/what_is_an_unusual_fortune_teller_called/
%
My girlfriend is like a calendar

She has 12 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8jxqg/my_girlfriend_is_like_a_calendar/
%
Eminem is the first celebrity to get the Wuhan Virus.

A statement from his manager says that Eminem admitted himself to the emergency department because his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Doctors say he presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was moms spaghetti. Mathers said that he was "nervous" but photos of the superstar appeared to show that, on the suface, he looks calm and ready.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8jwv9/eminem_is_the_first_celebrity_to_get_the_wuhan/
%
How does the German counterfeiter take his bourbon?

On Xerox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8jwfy/how_does_the_german_counterfeiter_take_his_bourbon/
%
What do you call pudding that’s starting to go bad?

Off-pudding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8jw1t/what_do_you_call_pudding_thats_starting_to_go_bad/
%
What do you call a kid with no legs

Names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8jtys/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_no_legs/
%
I don't often tell Dad Jokes

But when I do he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8jt26/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
%
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings

In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8jro3/i_get_aroused_when_i_erase_pencil_drawings/
%
Did you hear about the bankrupt penny factory?

Makes no cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8jpmg/did_you_hear_about_the_bankrupt_penny_factory/
%
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack.

One says to the other; "You stay here, I'll go on a head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8jakx/two_hats_are_hanging_on_a_hat_rack/
%
I went to prison for something I didn’t do

I couldn’t run fast enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8j7tz/i_went_to_prison_for_something_i_didnt_do/
%
An Irishman moves to England

At the ripe old age of 80 he passes away. A couple of his drinking buddies go around from house to house to collect money to be able to bury their friend. They stop at an old Englishman's house and ask if he can give them one euro to bury an Irishman. The Englishman tells them, "Hell, I'll give you €10, just bury ten of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8j7al/an_irishman_moves_to_england/
%
bear on cabin

so a man wakes up and goes out to his porch, he freaks out because his sees a bear sitting on top of his cabin. he goes inside and calls animal control. a little while passes and van shows up. Out steps a man and an mean old looking pitbull. the man point out the bear to the animal control guy and he opens up his truck
hes got a ladder, a baseball bat and a shot gun
concerned about the shotgun, the man asks exactly what it is he plans to do with all that. the control man say, im gonna use this ladder to climb up on top of the roof, im gonna use this bat to knock him off. when he falls to the ground my dog is trained to go right for his gonads, He'll bite down and the pain will cause the bear to pass out. then we load him into the truck and i return him to the wild.
the man says, oh. thats all fine and dandy. but... whats the shotgun for?
the control man hands the man the shot gun.
if the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8j60m/bear_on_cabin/
%
What's a race that starts with an N, ends with an R and has 6 letters

Nascar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8iusy/whats_a_race_that_starts_with_an_n_ends_with_an_r/
%
Sex is overrated

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8isfg/sex_is_overrated/
%
I saw a dwarf goalie play two games in a row, and asked him, “Are you sore?”

He said, “Yes, I’m a little tender.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ioja/i_saw_a_dwarf_goalie_play_two_games_in_a_row_and/
%
A cowboy enters an outhouse and hears a noise down the hole

He looks down it and notices a Native American
He yells down “How long have you been down there!”
The Indian responds: “Many moons... many... many moons”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8iint/a_cowboy_enters_an_outhouse_and_hears_a_noise/
%
What do you call a head with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8igvi/what_do_you_call_a_head_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
%
I was having a really rough day today because someone stole the front and back pages from my dictionary.

It just goes from bad to worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8igpo/i_was_having_a_really_rough_day_today_because/
%
Stop with the Cripple Jokes!

I can’t stand them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ifyg/stop_with_the_cripple_jokes/
%
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers

For example, right now you’re thinking “it’s ‘psychic’ you idiot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8icb0/not_to_brag_but_i_have_sychic_powers/
%
What do cows make?

Cow-cium.
Courtesy of my 8 year old son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8i11r/what_do_cows_make/
%
A wise old gentleman retired...

...and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8hxak/a_wise_old_gentleman_retired/
%
At what age does a secret agent usually get interested in BDSM?

Bond age

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8hwmz/at_what_age_does_a_secret_agent_usually_get/
%
I was gonna have a baby at the hospital downtown but the week I was due, all the nurses quit their job and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8hn5t/i_was_gonna_have_a_baby_at_the_hospital_downtown/
%
An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8hn3j/an_engineer_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
%
[dark] Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He received the gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8hifs/dark_why_did_hitler_commit_suicide/
%
Someone called me pretentious today.

I nearly choked on my honey-cardamom latte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8h67j/someone_called_me_pretentious_today/
%
Decisions, decisions

Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis.  I'm tempted but I'm worried it might make me a bit two cocky.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8h1zd/decisions_decisions/
%
A rich man needs to choose a wife out of three women

He gives them each $10 and tell them to buy something that can fill the room.
The next day, the first girl said she brought bottles of water, the cheapest thing she can find but still cannot fill the room.
The second girl brought a perfume, and fill the room with scent.
The third girl brought a candle, and fill the room with light.
The rich man is impressed.
He thinks for a second, then he tells everybody "My wife will be,
the girl with the largest breast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8h1jt/a_rich_man_needs_to_choose_a_wife_out_of_three/
%
What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self advertising?

A shameless plug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8gwu1/what_do_you_call_an_anal_sex_toy_that_is/
%
Why do mathematicians like to sit on their hands?

To make them number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8gs10/why_do_mathematicians_like_to_sit_on_their_hands/
%
The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year.

Everyone was dismayed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8gry3/the_government_just_banned_the_fifth_month_of_the/
%
Where do horses go to get better?

The horspital!....lol jkjk they get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8grt9/where_do_horses_go_to_get_better/
%
What do you call the sexy girlfriend of a bad programmer?

Bug's Bunny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8gnfp/what_do_you_call_the_sexy_girlfriend_of_a_bad/
%
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?

A father in law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8glkh/what_do_you_call_a_priest_who_becomes_a_lawyer/
%
French assault rifle for sale

Never fired, dropped only once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8gkfa/french_assault_rifle_for_sale/
%
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in three million have a chance of becoming a human being.
from Better Call Saul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8gi1v/what_do_lawyers_and_sperm_have_in_common/
%
Where can flat earth conspirators be found?

All around the globe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8gfzb/where_can_flat_earth_conspirators_be_found/
%
Each time I took a girlfriend home...

Each time I took a girlfriend home to my mother she made it very clear she didn't like the girl and she thought she wasn't good enough for me. Sometimes it was her looks, sometimes her interests and sometimes even the sound of her voice.
One day I was so tired of it, I decided I would find a girl that would look like my mother, have the same interests as my mother and would even sound like my mother.  And, against all odds, I found her, made her fall in love with me and took her home. But guess what? Now my father didn't like her at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8gam5/each_time_i_took_a_girlfriend_home/
%
a knock-knock joke breaks into a bar in the middle of the night

the bartender who is sleeping in the back room is startled awake by the noise, and shouts, “who’s there?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8g935/a_knockknock_joke_breaks_into_a_bar_in_the_middle/
%
A guy walks through the Olympic Village

And comes across an athlete with a big stick on his shoulder.
The first guy asks "Are you a pole vaulter?"
The athlete says "No, I am a German and don't call me Walter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8g89c/a_guy_walks_through_the_olympic_village/
%
What do you call it when you put your meat between two buns?

A sandwich, you sick fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8g5g1/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_put_your_meat/
%
I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8g4wo/i_dont_actually_have_a_joke_for_you_guys_but_i_do/
%
Kissing her where it smells

I was making out with my mistress in the backseat and she said to me, “Kiss me where it smells!” So, naturally, I hopped into the driver’s seat and drove her to Secaucus.
Any of you from NJ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8g4fo/kissing_her_where_it_smells/
%
I didn't like my mustache so I decided to shave it

Changed my mind last minute though because it had really grown on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8g1uq/i_didnt_like_my_mustache_so_i_decided_to_shave_it/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ftk2/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
Hey bro, you want a pamphlet?

Bro! Sure!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8fo7w/hey_bro_you_want_a_pamphlet/
%
An old man dies and goes to hell.

"What's your name?" Asked the receptionist as he arrived
"My names Johnny," he replied
"Not this bitch again!" shouted the Devil, who overheard the conversation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8fmzy/an_old_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
Hey! You hear about that French cheese factory that blew up?

They say there was nothing left but de Brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8fjf8/hey_you_hear_about_that_french_cheese_factory/
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving....

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8fas7/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
As a parent, the worst thing about losing a child is...

having them find their way back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8f3a5/as_a_parent_the_worst_thing_about_losing_a_child/
%
What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises
When do we want them?
NEEEEOOOooooooooowwwww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8f0fz/what_do_we_want/
%
English can be weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ezly/english_can_be_weird/
%
I paid a physic prostitute last night

She blew my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ewvs/i_paid_a_physic_prostitute_last_night/
%
Santa spots a girl atop a tree...

He notices her ragged clothes and lack of undergarments.
Pitying the girl and in Christmas spirit, he asks her to come back down and gives her a crisp €5 bill. He implores her to splurge on a fresh set of underwear and have a great Christmas.
The girl, greatly delighted, heads back home and narrates the whole incident to her catastrophically stereotyped stepmother. The evil stepmother, aiming to make a quick buck, quickly strips herself off her undergarments and heads to the tree.
Santa, who's still lurking around, sees the stepmother atop the tree. In his regular jolly benevolence, he signals her to climb down and hands her a €10 note.
"For a pair of razors", he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ew7o/santa_spots_a_girl_atop_a_tree/
%
I'm gonna assassinate the prime Minister and I need help from you guys

Shoot me a pm if interested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8eqol/im_gonna_assassinate_the_prime_minister_and_i/
%
Jealous wife gets call from husband late for supper

He said, "Baby, I know I'm late, but I had a terrible accident at work. My friend Brenda brought me to the hospital. I lost one arm and I have three hundred staples in my head. I probably won't live through the night. If I do, they'll have to amputate both legs and I'll need around-the-clock care for the rest of my life."
His wife said, *"Who the fuck is Brenda?!?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8eoqm/jealous_wife_gets_call_from_husband_late_for/
%
Robert Downey Jr. undergoes a sex change surgery

I guess now he's Fe Male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8eo7z/robert_downey_jr_undergoes_a_sex_change_surgery/
%
A priest, an imam and a rabbi have given a big religious feast and don't know how to use the money they collected.

The priest says:
"Let's draw a line on the floor and throw the money up in the air. What falls on our side is for us, and the rest is for the skies."
The imam says:
"I have a better idea. Let's draw a circle on the floor and throw the money up in the air: the money that falls in the circle is ours, and the rest is for the skies."
And the rabbi says:
"I have an even more better idea! Let's throw the money up in the air, and the money that the skies want to keep stays in the air, and the rest is ours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ej8m/a_priest_an_imam_and_a_rabbi_have_given_a_big/
%
Why is it called a kilt?

Because that's what happened to the last person who called it a skirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ej15/why_is_it_called_a_kilt/
%
I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers

So far all I have is a 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8eefk/i_asked_a_german_girl_for_her_number_and_im_still/
%
I thought of this joke the other day and I think it should be shared.

What do your mom and the Kraken have in common?
They both like to swallow seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8e8g2/i_thought_of_this_joke_the_other_day_and_i_think/
%
Why did the tortiose cross the road?

We don’t know, it’s still crossing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8e21o/why_did_the_tortiose_cross_the_road/
%
So apparently...

The rape advice hotline is for victims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8dxcu/so_apparently/
%
Thanks for teaching me the definition of plethora..

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8dtp9/thanks_for_teaching_me_the_definition_of_plethora/
%
I can’t do anything right, so I decided to end it all. I turned on my car, sat in my closed garage, and waited.

I’ve been in my Tesla for 14 hours so far and still nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8dt4g/i_cant_do_anything_right_so_i_decided_to_end_it/
%
If you don't understand a "walks into a bar" joke

That's because it's an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8dr34/if_you_dont_understand_a_walks_into_a_bar_joke/
%
What's the difference between normal snow and German snow?

Normal snow falls
and German snow captures the land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8dqy2/whats_the_difference_between_normal_snow_and/
%
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.

"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8dqur/a_priest_a_rabbit_and_a_deacon_walk_into_a_blood/
%
A young boy enters a barber shop..

...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8dgo3/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
%
Is there a doctor on this flight?

It finally happened! The flight attendant asked "is there a doctor on this flight?" and I leapt up and said yes!
Did a tracheotomy at 30,000ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.
He didn't make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to doctor school now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8dd24/is_there_a_doctor_on_this_flight/
%
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?

She wanted to see the task manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8dbfo/why_did_karen_press_ctrl_alt_delete/
%
What do you get when you boil a funny bone?

A laughing stock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8d3do/what_do_you_get_when_you_boil_a_funny_bone/
%
A man goes to a doctor

and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can."
I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I’d say your leg appears to be broke in three places."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8d0ue/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor/
%
A woman goes to the doctor after a sudden weight gain...

The doctor looks over her test results, then looks at the woman and says "well, it looks like you're pregnant."
"Wow,  I'm pregnant?" The woman asked.
"No, it just looks like you are" The doctor replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8cza5/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_after_a_sudden_weight/
%
I invited a hoarder to my house party, but I think he's too busy to attend.

He's got a lot of stuff to get through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8cdpe/i_invited_a_hoarder_to_my_house_party_but_i_think/
%
Little Johnny and his dad were walking through a park when they saw two dogs going at it.

"What are they doing?" Little Johnny asked.
"They're making a puppy." was the reply.
Later that night, Little Johnny walked in on his parents. "What are you doing?"
"We're making you a sibling."
"Well, turn her over. I want a puppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8c1dg/little_johnny_and_his_dad_were_walking_through_a/
%
What do you call a disabled man when he’s smoking pot at a casino?

A high roller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8c17w/what_do_you_call_a_disabled_man_when_hes_smoking/
%
Why Don't Witches Wear Underwear?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8by9a/why_dont_witches_wear_underwear/
%
A girl is about to have a heart surgery, holding hands with her boyfriend and talking

G: I love you Mike.
B: I love you more.
Girl gets put to sleep and the surgery begins.
A few hours later, she wakes up, and only her dad is next to her.
She asks : Where is Mike?
Dad answers : You don't know who gave you his heart?
Girl is shocked and starts crying loudly.
While she's crying, dad tells her : I'm joking, he went to take a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8bx7d/a_girl_is_about_to_have_a_heart_surgery_holding/
%
Everyone knows what Neil Armstrong said as he stepped onto the moon, but few people know what he said as he boarded the lander to take off- "Good luck Mr. Kowalski."

Years later when a biographer asked him about it, Armstrong told him about a time he heard his neighbors having a huge fight.
Mrs. Kowalski was really tearing into her husband, Neil could hear her yelling from clear across his yard. Curious, he snuck closer to the window of their house just in time to hear Mrs. Kowalski shout:
"For the last time quit asking Bernie! I'll suck your dick when the Armstrong kid walks on the moon and not a day before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8bu6a/everyone_knows_what_neil_armstrong_said_as_he/
%
A rabbi and a priest wanted to go for a swim at the beach, but did not have bathing suits with them...

The priest turns to the rabbi and says "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around, and we'll keep it between ourselves".
The rabbi sees no problem with the idea, and agrees.
Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere seemingly a group of children appear on the beach.
The priest quickly takes his hands and covers his penis, while the rabbi uses his hands to cover his face.
Later, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks "why did you cover your face and not your penis when those kids showed up on the beach?"
The rabbi responds "father, I don't know about you, but my congregation knows me by my face".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8bp5x/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_wanted_to_go_for_a_swim_at/
%
What do you call an iguana that runs a casino?

The lizard of odds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8blps/what_do_you_call_an_iguana_that_runs_a_casino/
%
My wife called because the car wouldn't start.

She said it has water in the carburetor. Knowing my wife has no knowledge of anything mechanical I said, "and how do you know there's water in the the carburetor?"
She said, "because I drove off the pier and it's in the ocean. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8b8hv/my_wife_called_because_the_car_wouldnt_start/
%
A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8b54f/a_dying_grandma_tells_her_grandchild/
%
I don’t tell jokes about fungi for a reason...

Too *mushroom* for error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8b1si/i_dont_tell_jokes_about_fungi_for_a_reason/
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It’s weird they named Virginia after the Queen’s virginity...

That would be like naming Jamestown Prematureejaculationville.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8b141/its_weird_they_named_virginia_after_the_queens/
%
I was in a fancy lingerie shop and asked the women behind the counter "Are these panties satin?"

She said "No they are all new"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8aykz/i_was_in_a_fancy_lingerie_shop_and_asked_the/
%
A test to see if your wife or your dog loves you more: put them both in the trunk for two hours

Then open the trunk. Who's happy to see you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8awfe/a_test_to_see_if_your_wife_or_your_dog_loves_you/
%
I'll tell what catches my eye

Short people with umbrellas...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8aw4m/ill_tell_what_catches_my_eye/
%
Knock-knock

Who's there?
To
To who?
To *whom!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8augk/knockknock/
%
I hate people who phone me up complaining about the state of the weather..

That's why i lost my job with the mountain rescue team..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8arq9/i_hate_people_who_phone_me_up_complaining_about/
%
A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."
The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.
Surgery goes well and a few weeks later, he is in the subway around noon.
There an old lady spots him and goes: "Oi, chimney sweep, quick visit at home in your lunch break, eh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8aqim/a_black_guy_loses_a_middle_finger_in_a_work/
%
I went to fairground recently and there was a man doing 'Guess your weight' so i stood in the queue and when it got to my turn

The man said "That was about 15 minutes"....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8aq69/i_went_to_fairground_recently_and_there_was_a_man/
%
My great-grandfather kept screaming, "The Titantic's going to sink! The Titanic's going to sink." And everyone got angry...

... so they kicked him out of the movie theater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8aonh/my_greatgrandfather_kept_screaming_the_titantics/
%
What's the best way to quit being vegan?

Going cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8aoh0/whats_the_best_way_to_quit_being_vegan/
%
I took a poll recently..

And 100% of people are annoyed when their
tent falls down...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8aod5/i_took_a_poll_recently/
%
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive

Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8anf9/my_heart_sank_as_i_came_home_from_work_and_saw/
%
My lesbian cousin and her wife got me a rolex for my birthday.

I didnt mean that when i said i wanna watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8ak8k/my_lesbian_cousin_and_her_wife_got_me_a_rolex_for/
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The Queen of England was touring an American hospital.

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.
"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims
"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if that is not done at least daily" one of the doctors explains.
"Oh...well I suppose that is understandable" the queen says, and they continue the tour.
A few minutes later they pass a room where a patient is receiving a blow job from a rather attractive nurse.
"AND WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?!" the queen shouts, almost fainting.
"Same condition, better health plan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8aio7/the_queen_of_england_was_touring_an_american/
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What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?

They both turn “o” into an “O.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8aajj/what_do_prison_and_the_caps_lock_button_have_in/
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A lady’s dog is diagnosed as hard of hearing...

Her vet says it’s because of the hair growing in its ears. So, she goes to the pharmacist with a prescription for a hair removal ointment.
The pharmacist tells her: “ If it’s for under your arms, use a quarter cup, if it’s for your legs, use a full cup.”
She says, “actually, it’s for my Schnauzer.”
The pharmacist says:”Oh , then use the whole bottle and don’t ride a bike for a week.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8a72v/a_ladys_dog_is_diagnosed_as_hard_of_hearing/
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What’s the difference between jam and jelly?

I can’t jelly my dick in your girlfriends ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8a6vz/whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_jelly/
%
You live, and then you die. And life is the spaceship between those two points. I’m just so happy to be on this spaceship with you guys.

Maybe that’s why they call it a friendship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8a5gf/you_live_and_then_you_die_and_life_is_the/
%
Poor guy, hope he gets the help he needs

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian "Hey, do you have any books on suicide?"
Librarian replies, "yes we do but I'm not giving it to you as it won't be returned"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8a3bk/poor_guy_hope_he_gets_the_help_he_needs/
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I was going down on my girlfriend

Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f89wvb/i_was_going_down_on_my_girlfriend/
%
Dave : "My heart sank a bit as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive."

Friend : "ohhh hmmmm, and did you see anything disturbing?
Dave : "Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f89mtg/dave_my_heart_sank_a_bit_as_i_came_home_from_work/
%
The vintage motorcycle.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says"
"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off."
The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family.
"I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes."
The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.
Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.
The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.
The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought...." then he gets another idea.....
Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.
The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep.
The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.
The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline.
The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f89frg/the_vintage_motorcycle/
%
I went to the doctor recently.

He said : "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said : "What, like bacon and burgers?"
He said : "No fatty, don't eat anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f89ex3/i_went_to_the_doctor_recently/
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Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.
She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.
The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me - Your mother in-law, Sarah
She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you  did for me - Your mother in-law, Sarah
She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me - Your father in-law, James"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f897pq/three_sisters_get_married_each_to_another_man/
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1st Joke here

Police Officer:\*pulls me over\*
Me:Sir,Is there a problem
Police:Do i smell cocaine in your car?
Me:The one who smelt it dealt it
Police:Holy shit
Me:You are under arrest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f894ss/1st_joke_here/
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A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."
"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.
"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her right where the sun don't shine!"
"Oh that.Well I have chapped lips."his neighbor answers back.
"Well does that heal them?"he asks.
"No,but it sure keeps me from licking them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f893n9/a_man_is_sitting_outside_enjoying_his_morning/
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Condoms

Are for fucking pussies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f88xux/condoms/
%
Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,
Today, you voted.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f88vbs/heaven_or_hell/
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When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f88hb2/when_single_ladies_get_to_the_age_of_50_they_tend/
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Teacher: "A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes."

Little Johnny: "Your wife is a lucky lady."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f88ef5/teacher_a_pigs_orgasm_lasts_for_30_minutes/
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I've been a bookkeeper for the past 20 years ...

... and the librarian is *pissed*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8873x/ive_been_a_bookkeeper_for_the_past_20_years/
%
What do you call crap that cleans?

Shampoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f886qk/what_do_you_call_crap_that_cleans/
%
The calendar factory fired me

I took a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f886cj/the_calendar_factory_fired_me/
%
Conjunctivitis.com

Definitely a site for sore eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f881q5/conjunctivitiscom/
%
Why can't deaf people go to prison?

Because you can't condemn someone without a hearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f87y57/why_cant_deaf_people_go_to_prison/
%
What day of the month people who struggle with english need to drink the most?

The 3st

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f87nbf/what_day_of_the_month_people_who_struggle_with/
%
You want to arrest me for nudity, officer?

Then you shouldn't expect me to cum quietly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f87lku/you_want_to_arrest_me_for_nudity_officer/
%
Normally I go out on a Tuesday evening, but for once I was at home and the phone went at about 7pm

I picked it up, listened for a few moments, then said "Why are you asking me? You can get the weather off the Internet easily enough!" and I put the phone down kinda crossly.
"What was that?" my wife asked.
I shrugged. "No idea. Just some dumbass wanting to know if the coast was clear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f87ifh/normally_i_go_out_on_a_tuesday_evening_but_for/
%
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?

A barbercue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f87h44/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_men_waiting_for_a/
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What does an unvaccinated child and my joke have in common?

They both don’t make it past new.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f87guz/what_does_an_unvaccinated_child_and_my_joke_have/
%
FBI: OPEN UP!

Me: *starts crying* it’s just so hard you know!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f87gdt/fbi_open_up/
%
What do you call a 9 year old with no friends?

Vaccinated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f87ezc/what_do_you_call_a_9_year_old_with_no_friends/
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Having sex to bring back the death

Caroline who lives in a village is in love with James. James is always on a business trip. One day  Caroline is so horny that she fakes her death so James has to return for her funeral. When alone in the room Caroline wakes up.
James: whoa, so you weren't dead?
Caroline: I just want sex with you
After the sex James and Caroline walk through the door. And when people see Caroline walking they ask her and James.
People: what's happening here?
James: I fucked her and she woke up
James leaves again for a business trip. After some time his dad dies. He returns for the funeral and asks alone time with is dad.
People: James don't try to fuck your dad. It doesn't work on him. We tried it for a whole week now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f87297/having_sex_to_bring_back_the_death/
%
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8715e/thank_you_student_loans_for_getting_me_through/
%
A blonde couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he’ll start to talk.
We just want to be able to understand him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f86nxb/a_blonde_couple_was_delighted_when_their_long/
%
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f86mij/a_man_is_buying_a_banana_an_apple_and_two_eggs/
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A rich woman and a bank director.

So a woman walks into the bank looking to deposit her money, 2 000 000 dollars. The agent in the bank says he can't help her because it's too much money, so she needs to talk to the bank director, and she does.
Entering his office, he can't help it but to ask where the money is from. And he get's the answer, it's betting. Impossible he says. And she told him that she could make a bet with him that his balls are in the shape of a square, he thinks a little bit about it and assures they are not, and then accepting the bet of 300 000 dollars, and they decided to meet up again tomorrow by 9 in the morning to confirm.
Next day, she and another man came at 9 to the bank director's office. The guy she came with was there to assure that they were square.
Bank director carefully takes his pants down, the woman takes her hands firmly around his balls and the man she came with immediately started crying, and the bank director is confused and ask why he is crying, and she told him that she made a bet with him of 600 000 dollars, that by 9 tomorrow morning I will have the balls of the bank director in my hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f86km7/a_rich_woman_and_a_bank_director/
%
What is the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f86kfy/what_is_the_most_expensive_haircut/
%
Why don’t vampires like masturbating

Because the can’t come without an invitation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f86jxb/why_dont_vampires_like_masturbating/
%
What happens when you step on a grape?

It let's out a little whine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f86erl/what_happens_when_you_step_on_a_grape/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f86bin/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee...

Falling off the roof of my car as I back out of my driveway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f86avb/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
What do you give a dog that has a high temperature?

Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8669h/what_do_you_give_a_dog_that_has_a_high_temperature/
%
The train under the tree.

So there's a boy on Christmas playing with a toy train set beneath the Christmas tree. He sends the train around and stops it at the little train station and says, "All you fuckers getting on, get on, all your fuckers getting off, get off."
Well his mom hears him from the kitchen and steps in and shouts, "Go to your room for time out. 30 minutes this time young man!"
30 minutes later on the dot. The boy leaves his room and returns to the train set. He runs the train around the track and stops at the station and says, "All you fuckers getting on, get on, all you fuckers getting off, get off. If you're mad about that 30 minute delay, go talk to that bitch in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f864lm/the_train_under_the_tree/
%
I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance....
So I pushed the fucker over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8610b/i_saw_a_one_legged_man_with_no_arms_at_the_atm/
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What is the difference between USA & USB?

One connects to all your devices & accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f85xsa/what_is_the_difference_between_usa_usb/
%
The Saloon NSFW

After a long night on the ranch this Ranch Hand decides to go to the saloon. When he gets there he realizes all his favorites are taking for the night so he ask the barkeep
"hey is there anyone free at the moment".
the barkeep replies
"all I got right now son is old granny".
the ranch hand hesitates for a moment but says. Screw it I need some after my long day at work. so he goes up to the room with old granny and they start doing it.
about 2 minutes in he stops
"what's wrong with you feel like sandpaper down there".
she replies
"sorry sunny give me a minute".
she gets up and goes to the corner and mess around a little bit. she comes back to the bed and they start doing it again. he was amazed this was the best sex he'd ever had.
"what did you do"
she just replied
"I had to pick the scabs off and let the puss run sweetie".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f85ut1/the_saloon_nsfw/
%
My neighbours have been married 20 years

Unfortunately, I've heard them have the same argument a lot lately
Him: You're cheating! Don't deny it, I can see through your behaviour!
Her: Well you beat me all the time, and I've had enough!
Maybe they should play something other than Monopoly...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f85oso/my_neighbours_have_been_married_20_years/
%
I wish I could do that

Two rednecks are walking along when they see a dog licking his genitals. The first redneck says, “I wish I could do that.”
The other responds, “If you tried, he’d probably bite you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f85hg9/i_wish_i_could_do_that/
%
Guy walks into a bar

Tells the bartender:
I want 6 beers.
The bartender serves him and the guy chugs all 6 beers one after the other.
The bartender says:
I’ve never seen anyone drink 6 beers that fast!
The guy says:
You would drink your beer fast too if you had what I have.
The bartender asks:
My God man, what do you have?
The guy says:
50 cents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8543m/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.

“What can I do for you, Father?”
“I’m collecting for the orphanage.”
“Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door.
The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says:
“OK, you can take me now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f853o6/a_little_girl_opens_the_door_to_find_a_priest/
%
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f84w27/it_was_george_the_mailmans_last_day_on_the_job/
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Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?

You're not alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f84q3p/do_you_suffer_from_anxiety_that_an_intruder_may/
%
Members of the KKK are always horny

Because Boyz in the Hood are always Hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f84mok/members_of_the_kkk_are_always_horny/
%
A farmer wakes up to discover that his precious Alpine goat had died overnight.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and discovered his note. She too, followed in his steps and jumped into the river.
Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead, and seeing no purpose to live, he too jumped into the river. However, a mermaid hoists him up, and makes him an offer, "If you can make love to me 20 times in a row, I'll resurrect your family. However, if you fail to do that, I'll eat you."
The young boy agrees, and tries his best. However, after the 5th time, he faints and the mermaid eats him. At noon, the older son of the farmer wakes up and finds his family dead. When he walks up to the river and sees his brother's remains, the mermaid again jumps out of the water, and makes him the same offer.
Grinning, he asks the mermaid, "What if you died due to all that sex?"
Surprised by his confidence, the mermaid replies,       " You really think you can make love to me 20 times?"
"How else do you think the goat died?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f84lf8/a_farmer_wakes_up_to_discover_that_his_precious/
%
My sister gets good grades on everything!

She even got an A on her blood type!
She did fail her gender though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f84d9e/my_sister_gets_good_grades_on_everything/
%
Blackholes

Are mass murderers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f84d3z/blackholes/
%
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f84cad/a_woman_asked_a_general_in_the_army_the_last_time/
%
An oilfield worker drives past the same farm everyday and always notices this pig with 3 legs.

One day he finally decides to stop by the farm and ask the farmer what’s going on with that pig.
“Well,” the farmer says, “my house was burning down one day and my poor old dog was trapped in there. Full on flames and smoke and that pig ran in and saved my dog.”
“Did his leg burn off?” The oilfield worker replied. “Did he cut it on the door on the way out?”
“Well,” the farmer says, “my oldest son was swimming in the lake behind the house one time. He got caught up under a branch and was going to drown, but that pig got in there and saved his life.”
The oilfield worker replied, “How could he have lost his leg doing that? Did he get it caught by the tree?”
“Well,” the farmer says, “one day I got trapped under my tractor when it flipped. That pig came running across the field and lifted that tractor off of me and saved my life.”
The oilfield worker scratched his head and told the old farmer, “Mister, I don’t care about all of this pigs incredible feats. I just want to know why he only has 3 legs.”
“Well,” the farmer said, “you don’t eat a good pig like that all at one time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f84adq/an_oilfield_worker_drives_past_the_same_farm/
%
What do they call the Coronavirus in China?

The One Grandparent Policy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8491z/what_do_they_call_the_coronavirus_in_china/
%
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8465o/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all_in_the/
%
Termite walks into a bar...

A termite walks into a bar and looks for a seat. The first guy he sees is all beat up and has a bloody knife in his belt, so the termite keeps walking. The next man is shouting and is visibly drunk, so he keeps searching. Finally, the third man the termite sees has a smile on his face and is enjoying the evening. The termite sits down next to him, makes himself comfortable, and asks, "where's the bar tender"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f840gw/termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What does a penis and a rubiks cube have in common?

They both get harder when you play with them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f83qdp/what_does_a_penis_and_a_rubiks_cube_have_in_common/
%
Y’know what show always reminds me of my childhood?

Naked and Afraid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f83q5c/yknow_what_show_always_reminds_me_of_my_childhood/
%
Sex with boss

A boss said to his secretary I want to have sex with you and I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 dollars on the floor and by time you bend down to pick it up I’ll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said to her “but ask him for 2000, pick up the money very fast he won’t have enough time to undress himself”. So she agrees!
Half an hour later the boyfriend calls back and asks “what happened?”
She responds: “The bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still fucking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f83hge/sex_with_boss/
%
I was playing Oregon Trail

I met a man named Terry.  I chose to laugh at him for having such a girlie name. He pulled out a gun and shot me.
I died from dissin' Terry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f836nk/i_was_playing_oregon_trail/
%
What's made of leather and sounds like two sneezes?

A shoe!
One that's thrown atchoo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8329k/whats_made_of_leather_and_sounds_like_two_sneezes/
%
When you’re driving by the playground

And one of the speed bumps screams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f83263/when_youre_driving_by_the_playground/
%
Drunk Irishman

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
'Damn, 'Damn !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f82ykr/drunk_irishman/
%
Ezra, a devout Jew, sent his son to Israel to learn about the culture.

When Ezra's son came back, he told his father, "I had a great time in Israel. I even converted to Christianity!"
Ezra was so shocked that he decided to tell his next door neighbour, Levi, also a devout Jew.
"Funny you should mention this," said Levi. "I too sent my son to Israel and he too came back a Christian."
Ezra and Levi decided together to tell the local rabbi about their problem.
"Funny you should mention this," said the rabbi. "I too sent my son to Israel and he too came back a Christian."
The three men got down on their knees and prayed for their beloved sons.
Suddenly, a booming voice was heard from the heavens: "Funny you should mention this. I too sent my son to Israel..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f82tl8/ezra_a_devout_jew_sent_his_son_to_israel_to_learn/
%
Finding an ants gender.

To find an ants gender toss it in some water.
If it sinks = girl ant
If it floats = Buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f82hxk/finding_an_ants_gender/
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What do you call a South American goat-killing monster with a cold?

Achoopacabra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f82g95/what_do_you_call_a_south_american_goatkilling/
%
My gravestone:

At last, root access!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f82e2h/my_gravestone/
%
What do you call a vegetable with sick beats?

A Rap Scallion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8282i/what_do_you_call_a_vegetable_with_sick_beats/
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A boy walks up to a girl.

He says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick but it's too long!"
The girl responds, "I would tell you a joke about my pussy but you'll never get it "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f820w3/a_boy_walks_up_to_a_girl/
%
What’s a pirate’s favourite food?

Pizza, it always comes in pieces o’ eight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f81zyw/whats_a_pirates_favourite_food/
%
Why did the baby go to jail?

Because he was resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f81qz4/why_did_the_baby_go_to_jail/
%
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a homeless guy!

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f81k9g/today_i_donated_my_watch_phone_and_500_to_a/
%
Why are priests called father?

Cause its too suspicious to call them daddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f81iya/why_are_priests_called_father/
%
fishing is like girlfriends

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I’m stuck here holding my rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f81hki/fishing_is_like_girlfriends/
%
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”
She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”
The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”
The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”
“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”
The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f81gcw/a_cop_sees_an_old_woman_carrying_two_large_sacks/
%
Hot girl at prom

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f81bka/hot_girl_at_prom/
%
A guy goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy who's obviously been drinking for a while.

The drunk gets up from his stool to go to the bathroom and falls down 3 times.  The guy says to himself "I'll help this guy get home safely" and helps him out to his car...the guy falls down five more times. He drives him up to the address on his license, takes him up to the door...the guy falls down 8 times on the way...and rings the bell.  A lady answers the door and says "Oh how nice, you brought home Harry. But what did you do with his wheelchair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8193v/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar_and_sits_down_next_to_a_guy/
%
An old man passed away whilst having sex

When the police asked his wife how it happened, she burst in to tears.
"You see officer, we always have sex at 12 o clock on sunday when the church bells ring"
"But why when the church bells ring?" Asked the officer
"Its the perfect rhythm. At the first chime he thrusts, at the second he pulls, at the third he thrusts and so on."
"I see.. but that doesn't explain how your husband died mid-coïtus"
"Well it was all going very well and we were having a lovely time.. but then the ice cream truck came"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f818rr/an_old_man_passed_away_whilst_having_sex/
%
A blonde is throwing out an entire trash bag of empty shampoo bottles.

Her neighbor approaches her and says, "wow. that's a lot of shampoo bottles." She says, "of course! I go through one bottle a day. Just following directions." The neighbor, perplexed, says, "what do you mean? Following directions?" The blonde says, "well it says to 'Rinse, Lather, And Repeat' but it doesn't say 'Stop'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f816z0/a_blonde_is_throwing_out_an_entire_trash_bag_of/
%
It seems everyone either loves or hates the Parks & Rec show

I guess you could say it's poehlerizing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f813je/it_seems_everyone_either_loves_or_hates_the_parks/
%
Where did sally go during the bombing?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f80uww/where_did_sally_go_during_the_bombing/
%
Where did the cat go after losing its tail?

to the retail store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f80pyd/where_did_the_cat_go_after_losing_its_tail/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping...

They build up their tents and after a good meal and a bottle of the finest wine they lay down and go to sleep.
A few hours later, Holmes wakes up his good friend and says, "Watson, my dear friend, look up and tell me what you see." Watson then replies "I see millions and millions of stars" and Holmes asks, "and what does that mean?"
Watson takes a minute and finally replies:
"Well, **astronomically**, it means millions and millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets, **astrologically**, I observe that Saturn is in Leo and we'll have a day of good luck, **temporally** I assume it's 3:15 am due to the height of the North Star, **theologically** I can see that god is almighty and we're small and insignificant, **meteorologically** I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
Watson then pauses for a second, stares at Holmes and adds "Is that correct?"
Holmes, mesmerized by the response, waits a minute and finally replies, "Watson, you imbecile, it simply means our tent got stolen!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f80nx0/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_go_camping/
%
What’s a pirates favourite letter?

R?
You might have said R, But it’s the C they love?
You might assumed C,
But with out the p they are just irate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f80nk1/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
%
Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
"Ben is in a hurry."
"Ben is in a coma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f80mf4/comas_can_really_change_the_meaning_of_a_sentence/
%
What’s the best rated flag?

The US, it has fifty stars!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f80e8v/whats_the_best_rated_flag/
%
What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles & Stevie Wonder?

Endless love

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f80c7x/what_do_you_call_a_tennis_match_between_ray/
%
Joseph Stalin was giving a speech in front of his comrades

And then one person in the audience sneezes. "WHO SNEEZED?!" Stalin yelled. No one answered. So he gave an order for the whole first row to be shot."WHO SNEEZED?!" Again, no one answered, so the second row was ordered to be shot. Then the third row, the fourth row, and the fifth row were all shot, until someone finally confessed in the sixth row, "I'm sorry! It was me!"
"Bless you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f809u4/joseph_stalin_was_giving_a_speech_in_front_of_his/
%
Why do the worst subreddits all seem like they are being run by drunks?

Because alcoholics are terrible at moderation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f808cg/why_do_the_worst_subreddits_all_seem_like_they/
%
Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.
Knock knock
“Who’s there”
Not sally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f8082f/why_did_sally_fall_off_the_swing/
%
Why do they call it kinetic sand?

Because it lacks potential

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7zxj2/why_do_they_call_it_kinetic_sand/
%
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.

Pun in, ten dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7zscn/pun_enters_a_room_and_kills_10_people/
%
The first humans spent many hours seeing what the sun did in the sky

Then they decided to call it a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7zk2y/the_first_humans_spent_many_hours_seeing_what_the/
%
Why did everyone love the prostitute’s baby?

It was Ho-made

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7zhs1/why_did_everyone_love_the_prostitutes_baby/
%
They say you are what you eat...

But I don't remember eating a big disappointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7zbwc/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...

...has always been my Achilles' elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7z81d/my_poor_knowledge_of_greek_mythology/
%
What is something both a gay guy and a straight guy wants?

A bigger dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7z76r/what_is_something_both_a_gay_guy_and_a_straight/
%
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7z23o/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
%
Do You Know Why Frieza Wasn't Popular At School?

Because his brother was "Cooler"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7yyuc/do_you_know_why_frieza_wasnt_popular_at_school/
%
I was wondering where the sun had gone.

And then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7yy4j/i_was_wondering_where_the_sun_had_gone/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

He said “Aye Matey”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7ysu5/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can’t run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7yqgj/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
My Penis isn't 12 inches

but it sure *smells* like a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7yj0i/my_penis_isnt_12_inches/
%
Archaeologists have discovered the tomb of a previously unknown pharaoh.

When they opened it, the mummy was covered in chocolate and nuts. The hieroglyphics identified him as Pharaoh Roche.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7yc4k/archaeologists_have_discovered_the_tomb_of_a/
%
My ex told me I would die alone with my cats.

Jokes on her. Cats already dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7y0rz/my_ex_told_me_i_would_die_alone_with_my_cats/
%
Two cows are talking in the barn

Cow A: Yo, what do you think about the "mad cow" disease?"
Cow B: The f*ck do I care, I'm a squirrel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7y03t/two_cows_are_talking_in_the_barn/
%
I like how my local pizza place cuts my pizza into 6 slices instead of 8

I can't finish 8 slices

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7xz2d/i_like_how_my_local_pizza_place_cuts_my_pizza/
%
What’s the last thing you want to hear during a prostate exam?

“Pull my finger”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7xrtd/whats_the_last_thing_you_want_to_hear_during_a/
%
My wife is terrified of flying.

So before our vacation I took her to see a therapist, the therapist says to her, there is nothing to worry about, when your time is up, your time is up. She shouted out, "What if it's the pilots time up?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7xlkc/my_wife_is_terrified_of_flying/
%
The only thing Flat Earthers fear

is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7xhnt/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
%
For the 1 year anniversary of the priest Jhon at a church many people came hearing the mayor speech.

The mayor was late so the priest Jhon started talking:
-You know first my expectations for this city was really low the first man who confesses to me was an horrible human being. He cheats on his wife multiple time with different women, he lies to everyone and admits being corrupted in his job. But then I meet other people, wonderful people who give me hope for this city and now i’m glad to be a priest here .
The mayor finally came and started his speech:
-You now I had the honor to be the first who confess to priest Jhon ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7xhdb/for_the_1_year_anniversary_of_the_priest_jhon_at/
%
Why wasn't the wild pig invited to any parties?

Because everyone thought he was a boar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7xgn0/why_wasnt_the_wild_pig_invited_to_any_parties/
%
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?

Carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7xg4w/what_kind_of_luggage_did_the_vulture_bring_on_the/
%
Why shouldn't you play poker with really fat people?

Because they're going to fold a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7xfqx/why_shouldnt_you_play_poker_with_really_fat_people/
%
I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured

I learned about it from my local K-F-C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7x6p0/i_just_found_out_that_there_are_at_least_three/
%
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work....
The ass hole is usually in charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7wz1i/all_the_organs_of_the_body_were_having_a_meeting/
%
Just asked a homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes!

You should’ve seen the look on her face when I ran off with her cardboard box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7wxt3/just_asked_a_homeless_woman_if_i_could_take_her/
%
What's the difference between a man praying in a church and a man praying at a blackjack table?

The motherfucker at the blackjack table means it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7wo2w/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_praying_in_a/
%
My wife bet me that I can't do what she does...

So I cleaned the whole house and then acted like a dick to everyone who lived there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7wd20/my_wife_bet_me_that_i_cant_do_what_she_does/
%
I finally got a job as a horse breeder's assistant.

It doesn't pay much, but it's a stable job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7wc7l/i_finally_got_a_job_as_a_horse_breeders_assistant/
%
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7w9aq/a_couple_both_age_78_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
%
A businessman visits Japan for the first time

A business man visits Japan for the first time.
He checks in to a hotel and is shown around the room. He notices that there is no toilet paper, and asks the hotel porter about it.
Well, says the porter, this is Japan, and our toilets are advanced, all will be handled by the buttons on the side. However, warns the porter, only use the two first buttons, the third button is woman only.
Later that night the business man sits on the toilet, he looks at the buttons and presses the first on. A gentle stream of water washes his butt clean. Suprised by this he pushes the second button, and a gust of warm air blows his butt dry.
He sits for a bit looking at the third button, and then decides to push it.
He wakes up in a hospital bed with a nurse watching over him, and he asks: where am I? What happened?
The nurse looks at him and says: You are in the hospital, toilets in Japan is very advanced, you pressed the tampon extractor button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7vwpg/a_businessman_visits_japan_for_the_first_time/
%
Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.

Putin asks Stalin, "Why is everything here so bad? What should I do to make Russia great again?"
Stalin replies, "Execute most of the government and paint the Kremlin blue."
"Why blue?" asks a perplexed Putin.
"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7vpff/stalin_appears_to_putin_in_a_dream/
%
I made a playlist for hiking.

...
...
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
I did not come up with the joke. I just heard it from a friend and thought it was hilarious and wanted to share it hoping it would make someone else smile as well :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7vlq0/i_made_a_playlist_for_hiking/
%
A man is praying in church.

He looks up to heaven and says "God, could you answer a question for me?"
"Of course, my son," says God, "what would you like to know?"
"God, what is a million years to you?"
"Well," says God, "a million years to me is as a second."
"Hmm," says the man. "I guess I understand. So what is a million dollars to you then?"
"My son," God says, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
"Hmm," says the man. He goes back to praying, but after a little while he looks up again.
"God," he asks, "can I have a penny?"
"Sure," God says. "Just a second."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7vil1/a_man_is_praying_in_church/
%
How are women and electricity similar?

You don't wanna mess around with either without rubber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7v7oh/how_are_women_and_electricity_similar/
%
What’s even more difficult than getting your pregnant wife into a MINI Cooper?

Getting your wife pregnant in a MINI Cooper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7v7mi/whats_even_more_difficult_than_getting_your/
%
What should you do when you get out of Yale?

Try to get a yob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7v6at/what_should_you_do_when_you_get_out_of_yale/
%
I went to see the local priest.

"I've got a confession to make. I'm not proud of it, but I recently slept with a child."
"Thanks for telling me," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7v4rv/i_went_to_see_the_local_priest/
%
A small chunk of cereal made its way to his best friend

"I'm going to get married!" said the cereal
"Whoa, thats cool!" said his friend, "But I gotta warn you... its hard for cereal to maintain their marriage."
"Why is that?"
"Well, it seems like you've got this in the bag, but it always, my dear friend, always breaks down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7v4e6/a_small_chunk_of_cereal_made_its_way_to_his_best/
%
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.

A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
"Well, who is in the second coffin?"
My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the man asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7v0tc/a_man_was_leaving_a_cafe_when_he_noticed_an/
%
A Woman is sat in her living room when her Husband walks in with a Duck under his Arm

“This is the Pig I’ve been fucking” he says
“That’s not a Pig” she replies
He says “I wasn’t talking to you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7uwkj/a_woman_is_sat_in_her_living_room_when_her/
%
I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7up7a/i_farted_in_my_wallet/
%
A farmer thought he had 198 cows in his pasture

but there were 200 when he rounded them up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7uh9b/a_farmer_thought_he_had_198_cows_in_his_pasture/
%
[NSFW] Last night i took girl to my house..

..as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your ass?"  She looked at me and said.  "Is it going to hurt?"  I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7ud7y/nsfw_last_night_i_took_girl_to_my_house/
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What did the janitor's ex wife accuse him of?

Sweeping around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7uacw/what_did_the_janitors_ex_wife_accuse_him_of/
%
Knock knock..”Who’s there?” “Doris” “Doris Who?”

“Doris Locked, that’s why I’m knocking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7u5kc/knock_knockwhos_there_doris_doris_who/
%
Why is no one talking about fingers?

Because they are a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7u4g4/why_is_no_one_talking_about_fingers/
%
That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man
swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again.
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential  downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets  and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that  I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7ttsx/thats_how_the_fight_got_started/
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I love the smell of my f5 key...

It is very refreshing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7tb2d/i_love_the_smell_of_my_f5_key/
%
Have you heard the joke about anger?

No?
But it’s all the rage!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7szgt/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_anger/
%
Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

AT: "Give me all your money!"
PT: "Sign here please.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7sx9w/whats_the_difference_between_a_amateur_thief_and/
%
Things I do to piss off my wife

Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7su6n/things_i_do_to_piss_off_my_wife/
%
The principal was sleeping with my teacher

Everybody knew it, it was so awkward. He was so brash, calling her into his office right in the middle of the school day. The other cool thing about being homeschooled…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7st9h/the_principal_was_sleeping_with_my_teacher/
%
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.  "Can I help you?" she asks.  "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7spgm/cheeseburger_150_chicken_sandwich_250_hand_job/
%
I like my women like I like my haircuts.

High and tight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7smiy/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_haircuts/
%
Italian spelling

Bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
An old lady who is sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two a$ses come together. I come once-a-more. Two a$ses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed s*x obsessed swine,” retorted the old lady indignantly
“In this country. we don’t speak aloud in public places about our s*x lives. “
“Hey, coola down old lady,” said the man.
“Who talkin’ abouta s*x? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell “Mississippi’.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7shrx/italian_spelling/
%
What do you call the lights illuminating a downward Peruvian staircase?

Incan descent lights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7shqh/what_do_you_call_the_lights_illuminating_a/
%
Kobe Bryant's death was an important and historic occasion.

It marked the first time he's passed in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7sf0b/kobe_bryants_death_was_an_important_and_historic/
%
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

osMoses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7rq33/who_led_the_jews_across_a_semipermeable_membrane/
%
I believe deaf people have the most fans

After all they are always signing stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7roiv/i_believe_deaf_people_have_the_most_fans/
%
Firefighters say you can't outsmart a forest fire

I guess this is why they need to use fire retardant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7rmyl/firefighters_say_you_cant_outsmart_a_forest_fire/
%
Me: You're firing me?

**Boss:** We have reason to believe you're using work computers to run some butt pic website. Bootypedia or something.
**Me:** First off I would never do that. Second, it's called Wikicheeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7rk4s/me_youre_firing_me/
%
First I dated a bonfire

People thought she was hot.
Then I dated a magnet, people found her attractive.
Lastly I dated a power outlet. I still don’t know why people were shocked about that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7rjpv/first_i_dated_a_bonfire/
%
A hooker walks into a bar...

A hooker is sitting at the bar when a date walks up.
“How much for a handjob?”he asks the hooker
$500
$500?!?!? That’s outrageous!
Hooker points out the window to a Ferrari
“Honey, see that Ferrari out there? I bought that car by giving the best handjobs.”
They go down the block for a handjob.
The date is satisfied and goes home after paying the $500.
Next weekend returns to the bar.
Same hooker sitting there.
Date asks “ that was fun last week, how much you charge for a blowjob?”
$1,000
1,000?!?? That’s crazy money, who would ever pay that?!?
“Honey, see thatboat in the marina? I bought that boat giving blowjobs to guys like you. I promise, my blowies are worth every dollar”
The date agrees and pays hooker $1000 for the best blowjob he’s ever had. Satisfied, he goes home.
Returns the following weekend.
Same hooker sitting there lookin fine as hell.
And
The man walks up to her. You weren’t lying about giving the best HJ & the best BJ. And now I’m dying to know how much for sex?
2,000? 5,000? More?!?!
Honey, I don’t think you’re ready to hear the answer.
Man pulls out a knot of cash. Flipping through it, he says “name your price”
They walk outside and hooker points up to a mansion overlooking the city.
“See that mansion up on the hill honey?”
“Yes ?! :D“ the man says eagerly(anticipating the hooker spreading her legs for the right price)
“Honey, i woulda been OWNED that mansion if I had a pussy.”
The mans jaw drops, thinking about how big he fucked up.
“Now how about another thousand dollar BJ, honey?” Says the hooker....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7rd9x/a_hooker_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction..

and name it ElonGates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7rd7t/bill_gates_and_elon_musk_should_teamup_and_make_a/
%
Why did the Soviet Union fail?

There were too many red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7rc9y/why_did_the_soviet_union_fail/
%
I made a lot of girls wet last year

but I ain't snatching umbrellas anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7rb1e/i_made_a_lot_of_girls_wet_last_year/
%
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7rali/after_35_years_of_marriage_a_husband_and_wife/
%
What's the difference between an old bus station and a lobster with boobs?

Ones a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7r9o8/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_station/
%
“Sir, you’ve just had a stroke,” a doctor told his patient.

“Now it’s my turn, so please pull down your pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7r8f6/sir_youve_just_had_a_stroke_a_doctor_told_his/
%
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7r52t/a_priest_has_a_heart_attack_and_is_rushed_to_the/
%
At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,

"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7r4x9/at_a_wedding_i_whispered_to_a_guy_next_to_me/
%
My nephew took a career placement test at school.

It told him he was going to be a pirate when he grew up. My sister was furious. She matched to the school and demanded to speak to his teacher.
"Why does this test say that my son is supposed to be a pirate?! Is this some kind of joke?"
The teacher calmly pulled out the boy's report card.
"No ma'am, it's not a mistake. As you can see here, your son has an affinity for High C's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7r32y/my_nephew_took_a_career_placement_test_at_school/
%
I went to a children's petting zoo once.

So many angry parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7r1zy/i_went_to_a_childrens_petting_zoo_once/
%
I recently got a job as a human cannonball

Unfortunately I get fired multiple times per day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7qyyn/i_recently_got_a_job_as_a_human_cannonball/
%
Which subreddit does a pirate use?

Arrrghh/pirates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7qw8x/which_subreddit_does_a_pirate_use/
%
How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb.

One
But the lightbulb has to really want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7qs2j/how_many_shrinks_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7qrjy/statistics_are_like_bikinis/
%
I just started reading fishing jokes

Now I’m hooked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7qi3z/i_just_started_reading_fishing_jokes/
%
What's the difference between me and a calendar?

The calendar has dates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7qdj4/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_calendar/
%
I just gave my cows pot

Now the steaks are high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7qd1l/i_just_gave_my_cows_pot/
%
What sound does a dinosaur make?

"I want this printed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7qayw/what_sound_does_a_dinosaur_make/
%
"Daddy, where did Bambi's mom go after she died?"

"Venice, son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7pxvc/daddy_where_did_bambis_mom_go_after_she_died/
%
Cop sees a lady walking down the street with tit hanging out.

He says, "Ma'm, your need to adjust your shirt."
She says, "Oh shit! I left baby on the bus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7prej/cop_sees_a_lady_walking_down_the_street_with_tit/
%
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7ov99/how_many_friend_zoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
%
How do you make antifreeze?

Take her jacket off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7omag/how_do_you_make_antifreeze/
%
My wife always gets mad about splitting the grocery bill because "she doesn't eat doritos and Cadbury eggs"

But I've never used any of the cleaning supplys she always buys , and you never hear me complaining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7om62/my_wife_always_gets_mad_about_splitting_the/
%
I used to have a son trapped inside a woman’s body

Then I took a paternity test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7om0a/i_used_to_have_a_son_trapped_inside_a_womans_body/
%
What does the pussy and the mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7o87z/what_does_the_pussy_and_the_mafia_have_in_common/
%
I hate people who talk about me behind my back.

They discussed me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7nrk0/i_hate_people_who_talk_about_me_behind_my_back/
%
What do you call a puzzled one legged man?

Stumped? Me too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7nhf5/what_do_you_call_a_puzzled_one_legged_man/
%
My friend asked me if my wife closed her eyes during sex.

I told him yes. She'd do anything to keep from seeing me have a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7nesh/my_friend_asked_me_if_my_wife_closed_her_eyes/
%
Big Jake

It's a quiet day in the salloon when a cowboy runs in. With a panicked look on his face, he says, "Everybody run, I just got word that Big Jake is comin' to town!".
The bartender, who's new in town, is shocked to see everybody get up and run out. He grabs a patron by the bar and asks, "What' happening?".
"D-d-didn't you hear, man? Big Jake's comin' to town!"
The bartender is confused, but rolls with it. But, since he doesn't want people coming and looting the salloon, he decides to stick around.
Just then, the meanest, tallest, ugliest son-of-a-bitch the bartender's ever seen bursts into the room. He slams the door so hard it falls clean off its hinges. He's eight foot tall, and nearly as wide. Every inch of his face is either scarred or tattooed. His ears are pierced with two massive railroad spikes. He picks up a table and throws it straight down through the floor, just to show that he can.
He walks up to the bar and slams his fist down on it so hard that it splits clean in two. "**HEY, BARKEEP!**", he yells. "**GIMME THAT BOTTLE O' WHISKEY!**"
Shaking, the barkeeper hands the bottle over. In one massive gulp, he downs the entire bottle before smashing it over his own head. "**NOW GIMME THAT BOTTLE O' TEQUILLA!**"
Again, the barkeeper hands over the bottle, which the stranger downs in a single gulp before breaking the bottle over his head. He scoops up some of the glass and eats it, just to show how tough he is.
Wanting to stay on his good side, the bartender asks him, "I-i-is there anything else I can get you, sir?".
The stranger says "**THANKS PARDNER, BUT I GOTS TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, FAST! I HEARD THAT BIG JAKE'S COMIN' TO TOWN!**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7ne32/big_jake/
%
Got fired on my first day with the ambulance today

I don't know what happened but they asked me how i deliver a baby and i answered "fedex".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7n0m9/got_fired_on_my_first_day_with_the_ambulance_today/
%
You know there's a unit of measurement for pain?

Its called Hertz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7mym0/you_know_theres_a_unit_of_measurement_for_pain/
%
Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Nevermind, I don’t want to spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7movk/did_you_hear_the_rumor_about_butter/
%
A man with a new sports car was speeding down an empty road late at night.

Suddenly he heard sirens behind him. He looked in his rearview mirror to see the flashing lights of a police car. The man thought to himself “I can outrun this guy.” And stepped on the accelerator. He kept accelerating. 90 miles an hour. 100. 110. 120.
After a few minutes he realized how stupid he was being. “I could kill myself, or go to prison!” He thought. He decided the best thing to do would be to pull over and hope he just got a ticket.
He slowed down and pulled over on the side of the road, waiting for the police officer to come up to his window. After a few tense minutes of waiting, he saw the officer get out of his car and walk up to his window.
He unrolled the window to speak with the officer. “Look son,” said the officer “I’ve had a long day and my shift is nearly over. If I have to arrest you, I’ll be doing paperwork for hours. I’ll tell you what; if you give me a reason why you were running that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The man thought for a moment and replied “A few months ago my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you were trying to give her back.”
The cop smiled and said “You have a nice night, sir.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7moes/a_man_with_a_new_sports_car_was_speeding_down_an/
%
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.
So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!”
She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, “You dropped your purse on the floor outside outside McDonald’s.
Thank you so much she said, Where is it?
I said, I’ve just told you, on the floor outside McDonald’s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7mn5v/i_saw_a_woman_drop_her_purse_in_the_high_street/
%
I worked for a company that made microphones.

A Czech one too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7mly1/i_worked_for_a_company_that_made_microphones/
%
Two physicists go hiking

A theoretical physicist and an applied physicist go hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Suddenly they spot a black bear running towards them. The applied physicist starts taking off his boots.
The theoretical physicist says, "It's not possible to outrun a bear."
The applied physicist says, "I don't. I just have to outrun you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7mdhb/two_physicists_go_hiking/
%
My 7 year old told me this joke. I hadn't heard it before - What does a camel use to hide itself?

Camelflage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7md51/my_7_year_old_told_me_this_joke_i_hadnt_heard_it/
%
I was named after my father.

Which only makes sense. It would have been odd if I were named before him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7m9em/i_was_named_after_my_father/
%
A priest, a rabbit and an imam walk into a bar.

The rabbit says “oops, I think I’ve had too much tea.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7m316/a_priest_a_rabbit_and_an_imam_walk_into_a_bar/
%
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7m0k0/if_a_child_refuses_to_sleep_during_nap_time/
%
How does a Jewish person make tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7lhnt/how_does_a_jewish_person_make_tea/
%
I asked my wife if I could see her butthole

She handed me a mirror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7lhfb/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_could_see_her_butthole/
%
Was going to make a joke about Indian food.

But I got naan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7lfkk/was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_indian_food/
%
No-Toe Joe was the restaurant's best waiter

Something of a local attraction, he wore flip-flops to show off his signature missing digits. Despite those, however, he was a fast worker, efficient, personable, and a generally great guy. Everyone loved to work with him, and everyone loved being served by him.
Well, almost everyone.
One evening, a man and woman were sat in Joe's section. He swept over to take their order.
"How are you, tonight," he greeted, "and what can I get started for you?"'
The woman took one look at Joe's feet, and immediately slapped her menu down. "No, no, I can't take it. I need a different waiter!"
Joe frowned, a bit hurt. "I'm sorry. I-"
Still shaking her head, the woman stood up and hurried straight out of the restaurant, leaving Joe standing there, looking confused.
The man let out a deep sigh, even as he stood to follow. "I am so, so sorry about that. My wife is lack-toes intolerant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7lfda/notoe_joe_was_the_restaurants_best_waiter/
%
The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7l8n4/the_nintendo_64_turns_18_this_week/
%
I was told I had a severe mental condition.

So I reassured the man in the mirror that I had I *moderate* mental condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7l8i5/i_was_told_i_had_a_severe_mental_condition/
%
Today i lost my wife, my best friend, my lover, the love of my life and the mother of my children.

5 deaths in one day was rough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7l7x7/today_i_lost_my_wife_my_best_friend_my_lover_the/
%
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.

Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’”
The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘General Secretary, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7l3y2/so_there_was_an_american_and_a_russian_arguing/
%
What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7kzwa/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
%
A baby deer has been hanging around my house lately

I'm quite fawned of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7kxyf/a_baby_deer_has_been_hanging_around_my_house/
%
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group

I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7kxm6/welcome_back_to_the_plastic_surgery_addicts/
%
Where do Death Eaters go to buy their groceries?

Volde-Mart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7kx9c/where_do_death_eaters_go_to_buy_their_groceries/
%
One my Russian wife told me

Doesn't translate perfectly but still pretty funny.
Kid: Dad what would you do if you won a million dollars in the lottery?
Dad: Pay off debts.
Kid: What about the rest?
Dad: They can wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7kw2t/one_my_russian_wife_told_me/
%
A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father, "where did I come from."

The father whale replies, "from my penis son."
The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad"
to which the father whale replies, "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7kvup/a_father_whale_and_his_son_are_swimming_when_the/
%
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We’ll see about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7kvqv/my_therapist_says_i_have_a_preoccupation_with/
%
A man decided to role play doctor with his wife

He spent three hours in the hallway before she let him into the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7kt39/a_man_decided_to_role_play_doctor_with_his_wife/
%
A Czech and a Pole go hiking

They wander upon two bears having relations. They try to run but the bears easily chase them down and eat them. A ranger hears the commotion and runs in and shoots the bears. Police arrive and they dissect the female bear and find the Pole. The ranger sighs and says, "Well, I guess the Czech is in the male..."
(Obligatory rim shot)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7kp23/a_czech_and_a_pole_go_hiking/
%
Recruiter to Octopus: “You should join the army”

Octopus: “No thanks, I’m army enough as it is”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7kjpo/recruiter_to_octopus_you_should_join_the_army/
%
Three men were asked what the fastest thing in the universe was

The first man said light, the second man said thought
And the third man said diarrhoea, when asked why he thought that, he replied, when you have diarrhoea you don’t have time to turn on the light or even think

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7kap6/three_men_were_asked_what_the_fastest_thing_in/
%
My iPod stopped running

It cannot even walkman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7kanx/my_ipod_stopped_running/
%
My first orgy was an experience to remember. I expected to it to be full of awkwardness and disappointment.

But thankfully all my cousins were really supportive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7k6al/my_first_orgy_was_an_experience_to_remember_i/
%
I have a ton of jokes about blow jobs

But all of them suck......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7juey/i_have_a_ton_of_jokes_about_blow_jobs/
%
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.

I told him I didn’t have time to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7jppi/my_husband_asked_why_i_never_blink_during_sex/
%
What has a bottom as it’s top?

Your leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7jmib/what_has_a_bottom_as_its_top/
%
I hate puns about DJ Khaled

I can't bear to hear another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7jdfw/i_hate_puns_about_dj_khaled/
%
How many eggs can you eat on an empty stomach?

Just one, because then your stomach won't be empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7jcqj/how_many_eggs_can_you_eat_on_an_empty_stomach/
%
Do you know what is reversed exorcism

When satan tells a priest to get out of a kid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7ja2t/do_you_know_what_is_reversed_exorcism/
%
Joke

Q: What's a dogs favourite snack?
A: Pupcicles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7j9k4/joke/
%
A knock knock joke my 7yr old came up with...

My daughter: "Knock Knock.."
Me: 'Who's There?"
My daughter: "A person who desperately needs a poo"
Me: "A person who..."
** (At this point she interupts me)**
My Daughter: blows a raspberry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7j8oa/a_knock_knock_joke_my_7yr_old_came_up_with/
%
A kid asks their Mom why they exist

“Mommy why did you and Daddy have me?“
And the Mom replies “Daddy doesn’t like using single use plastics.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7j07l/a_kid_asks_their_mom_why_they_exist/
%
My sex life is like god, absolutely devine

And not real....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7iqsf/my_sex_life_is_like_god_absolutely_devine/
%
A guy sitting next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!"
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7insv/a_guy_sitting_next_to_me_on_the_train_pulled_out/
%
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter!

She's my Japaniece.
Shiiit. Well imma leave now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7imyw/my_uncle_married_a_woman_from_tokyo_and_they_just/
%
A jealous husband hired a detective to keep a watch on his wife.

The husband wanted more than a written report—he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.
The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”
The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7ibx6/a_jealous_husband_hired_a_detective_to_keep_a/
%
A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students

Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?"
As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storms out of the classroom.
After the class, the teacher calls the girl back in and says "Young lady, I just have three things to say to you. First, the answer to my question was the pupil; second, you have a very dirty mind for a child your age; and third, one day you're going to very, very disappointed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7i84o/a_fourth_grade_biology_teacher_is_asking_a_series/
%
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician

An engineer wakes up in the middle of the night and sees that there is a fire in the hallway. He fills a trash can with water and throws it on the fire.
A physicist wakes up in the middle of the night and sees that there is a fire in the hallway. He fills a trash can with the exact amount of water needed, and throws it on the fire.
A mathematician wakes up in the middle of the night and sees that there is a fire in the hallway. He thinks for a moment, then says "Aha! A solution exists!"... and goes back to bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7i5a1/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_a_mathematician/
%
BOSS: care to explain the text I got last night?

**ME:** OMG I’m so embarrassed, it was autocorrect
**BOSS:** autocorrect wrote “fuck you and you’re stupid job”?
**ME:** yeah it’s supposed to say "your"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7hxxz/boss_care_to_explain_the_text_i_got_last_night/
%
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job...

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7htyp/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
%
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7hqfn/what_do_you_call_a_bullet_proof_irishman/
%
ME [a detective]: The victim has 2 puncture wounds on his neck. He was obviously bitten by a vampire.

######OTHER DETECTIVE [Holding up bloody BBQ fork]:
I think he was stabbed with this.
**ME [Pinching bridge of nose]:** Gary… why would a vampire use a BBQ fork?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7hlrq/me_a_detective_the_victim_has_2_puncture_wounds/
%
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?

MadAtGasCar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7hlgy/what_is_greta_thunbergs_favourite_country/
%
A boy offers a girl $100 in exchange for sex

"Sure, why not" replies the girl.
"And what about $10?" the boy asks.
"Are you crazy? What do you think I am?"
"I already know what you are, now we're just discussing the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7hiis/a_boy_offers_a_girl_100_in_exchange_for_sex/
%
How do you tell a Scotsman from Mick Jagger?

Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud".
A Scotsman says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7hevh/how_do_you_tell_a_scotsman_from_mick_jagger/
%
What's it called when you set your significant other on fire?

Flambae

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7h4oq/whats_it_called_when_you_set_your_significant/
%
NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7gykl/nsfw_im_pretty_sure_james_bond_was_having_sex_in/
%
All my jokes are definitely golden

They never cause any reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7grv6/all_my_jokes_are_definitely_golden/
%
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7gq35/i_lent_a_hot_girl_my_umbrella_yesterday/
%
One of my hot friends got a job at a funeral home

People are dying to meet her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7gou4/one_of_my_hot_friends_got_a_job_at_a_funeral_home/
%
I told my 49 year old wife I'm bi sexual...

If we can't have sex I'll buy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7go2m/i_told_my_49_year_old_wife_im_bi_sexual/
%
A man on the street was trying to sell me a "slightly used" television...

"How can a television be slightly used?" I inquired
"The old lady that owned it, she was blind in one eye." he said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7gj7p/a_man_on_the_street_was_trying_to_sell_me_a/
%
A German man went to France for holiday.

France border staff: "occupation?"
German: "No, no, no, just visiting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7ghdg/a_german_man_went_to_france_for_holiday/
%
A Philosopher once said...

Condoms are for fucking pussies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7gcaf/a_philosopher_once_said/
%
Two Irishmen walk past a shop window with a sign in it that says, ‘Suits £2 Shirts £1.50!!!’

One Irishman nudges the other with excitement and says, “We are going to make our fortune here today”, and they enter the shop excitedly.
They walk up to the counter and one of the Irishmen says “Can we get 50 suits and 50 shirts please?”
The lady behind the counter looks at them with exasperation and asks, “You two boys over from Ireland?” They tell her that they are and ask her how she knows.
She says, “Because this is a dry cleaners”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7g8tv/two_irishmen_walk_past_a_shop_window_with_a_sign/
%
World is half full of pessimists...

Or half empty, depends how you look at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7fzzs/world_is_half_full_of_pessimists/
%
What does a nosey pepper do?

It gets jalapeño business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7fuwa/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
%
A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm worried about my vision! I'm seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The doctor asks, "Have you seen an opthalmologist yet?"
The guy says, "No, just the spots."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7foe6/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_doc_im_worried/
%
At dinner last night

The waiter kept making the freudian slip calling the caesar salad caesarean salad. I asked him if he had any natural births, because I am eating organic.
Nobody at the table found this funny so I thought I would share because I found it hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7flqr/at_dinner_last_night/
%
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time ...

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7finl/if_a_child_refuses_to_sleep_during_nap_time/
%
What did East Germans sing before the Berlin Wall fell?

Under Prussia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7fbe9/what_did_east_germans_sing_before_the_berlin_wall/
%
What do musicians and priests have in common?

They both like to fiddle A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7e9fh/what_do_musicians_and_priests_have_in_common/
%
Did you hear about the time that all the musicians in the parade dropped their instruments and started rioting?

It was total bandemonium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7drqp/did_you_hear_about_the_time_that_all_the/
%
Knock, knock.. Who’s there? Dishes... Dishes who?

Dishes my knock, knock joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7dmkw/knock_knock_whos_there_dishes_dishes_who/
%
What did Al Gores name his electric band?

The Algorithm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7di3m/what_did_al_gores_name_his_electric_band/
%
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.

They're usually around 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7dgj0/if_you_ever_get_cold_just_stand_in_the_corner_of/
%
My wife just got a tattoo of a sea shell on the inside of her thigh....

And when you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7d4v1/my_wife_just_got_a_tattoo_of_a_sea_shell_on_the/
%
What does a serial killer do when he finds Waldo?

Wears Waldo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7cwho/what_does_a_serial_killer_do_when_he_finds_waldo/
%
A guy calls his wife as he's leaving work, and asks if she needs anything. She tells him, "Stop by the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk and if they have bananas pick up half a dozen."

When the guy gets home his wife flips out on him as he sets down six gallons of milk on the counter.
*What's all this milk about?!?!?* she yells.
His response  ---  "They had bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7cnps/a_guy_calls_his_wife_as_hes_leaving_work_and_asks/
%
My cross eyed wife and I are getting a divorce..

We just couldn’t see eye to eye.
What’s even worse though, is that found out that she was seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7cmrz/my_cross_eyed_wife_and_i_are_getting_a_divorce/
%
The giant monster cannibal was eating a large amount of people, he asked why he started feeling sleepy after eating a group of women who were out drinking. He asked his other giant monster eater friend why he felt sleepy

He said, “because that’s a bar bitch you ate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7clne/the_giant_monster_cannibal_was_eating_a_large/
%
Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7chi3/have_you_heard_the_news_about_corduroy_pillows/
%
We were arguing all day about what to call a medieval soldier.

But then it got late, so we called it a knight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7ccs6/we_were_arguing_all_day_about_what_to_call_a/
%
A Baptist preacher, a Catholic priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The rabbit takes a look around and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7c6z9/a_baptist_preacher_a_catholic_priest_and_a_rabbit/
%
Last week I x-rayed a bird in Norway.

Yep. Scanned an avian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7bxrj/last_week_i_xrayed_a_bird_in_norway/
%
Who stole the heart of Massachusetts?

Nan took it.  (Nantucket). Joke written by my 11 year old son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7buo4/who_stole_the_heart_of_massachusetts/
%
I made a chicken salad this morning

Stupid thing won't even eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7bu9b/i_made_a_chicken_salad_this_morning/
%
I took the bus home.

Now my face is all over the news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7bnrr/i_took_the_bus_home/
%
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?

A shoe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7birm/what_sounds_like_a_sneeze_and_is_made_of_leather/
%
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar...

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face.
"Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man.
"That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man.
"But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man.
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man.
So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man.
"Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man.
"It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man.
"What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man.
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7befm/a_jewish_man_and_a_chinese_man_are_in_a_bar/
%
LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”
Then a couple dudes stand up
And he goes   “That concludes the mike check”
stolen from twitter  @ cheyrubi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7bcsd/lmao_im_at_my_school_talent_show_and_dude_says/
%
I left my PC on all night and when I woke up, it was freezing

Turns out, I left the Windows open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7ba94/i_left_my_pc_on_all_night_and_when_i_woke_up_it/
%
I phoned 999 and told the guy that two men had just broken into my house and stolen my CDs.

"Could you please give me a description of them?" the man asked.
"Certainly," I replied. "They're round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7b8wg/i_phoned_999_and_told_the_guy_that_two_men_had/
%
I sued American Airlines for misplacing my luggage

I lost my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7b6zg/i_sued_american_airlines_for_misplacing_my_luggage/
%
R.I.P. to water boiling in a kettle

you'll be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7b6au/rip_to_water_boiling_in_a_kettle/
%
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed

Trouble is, none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7b5z9/i_have_like_50_jokes_about_the_unemployed/
%
My girlfriend said, “come over, nobody’s home”

Nobody was home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7b3y0/my_girlfriend_said_come_over_nobodys_home/
%
The patient goes to the doctor for a check up

The doctor says "i see the problem here, your DNA is backwards."
The patient then replies "AND?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7azd0/the_patient_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_check_up/
%
If i were a gangster my name would be mitochondria

because when i would get arrested i would be the powerhouse of the cell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7axg7/if_i_were_a_gangster_my_name_would_be_mitochondria/
%
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai Lady.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."
But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7axch/i_was_sitting_on_the_train_this_morning_opposite/
%
What do you call a cheap curcumsition

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7atny/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_curcumsition/
%
How do muslims close doors?

They islam it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7amxi/how_do_muslims_close_doors/
%
I was driving on the highway and the wife said "You missed a right"

And I said "Thanks babe, and you're Mrs Right"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7aiq7/i_was_driving_on_the_highway_and_the_wife_said/
%
When I was in the kindergarten, I had a girlfriend

then I got fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7ah8f/when_i_was_in_the_kindergarten_i_had_a_girlfriend/
%
What did the fish say after it swam into a wall?

Damn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7aeuh/what_did_the_fish_say_after_it_swam_into_a_wall/
%
My bank is really proud of me.

According to them, I have an outstanding balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7a9wu/my_bank_is_really_proud_of_me/
%
Money doesn't buy happiness

But I would rather cry in a Rolls Royce than on a bicycle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7a1ou/money_doesnt_buy_happiness/
%
Buk Buk..... Chicken !

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say,
‘Buk Buk BUK.’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!‘
The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say,
‘Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!‘
The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying,
“Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f79zya/buk_buk_chicken/
%
If we granted statehood to DC, Guam, and Puerto Rico, we'd have 53 states.

We would literally be one nation, indivisible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f79lct/if_we_granted_statehood_to_dc_guam_and_puerto/
%
Why can't pencils move?

Because they are stationery
I am not sorry
I will be glad if I make at least a few people smile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f79k0y/why_cant_pencils_move/
%
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f79b1l/if_pronouncing_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
%
I'm single by choice

Women's choice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f797xz/im_single_by_choice/
%
A dpd driver came to my door this morning and asked me the time.

I told him it was between 10 and 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7938u/a_dpd_driver_came_to_my_door_this_morning_and/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f78zkm/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, and the worst of thymes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f78qkx/what_does_charles_dickens_keep_in_his_spice_rack/
%
I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today.

He said, "Fuck off. Get your own!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f78ory/i_tried_to_share_a_sandwich_with_a_homeless_guy/
%
The coronavirus has really impacted my sex life....

I just don't feel comfortable going down on any old bat any more!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f78nwm/the_coronavirus_has_really_impacted_my_sex_life/
%
I told my GF to make me a sandwich

... making it with just my left hand is harder than it seems...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f78n7v/i_told_my_gf_to_make_me_a_sandwich/
%
What do you call a nameless sweet dish?

Anonymousse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f78hcv/what_do_you_call_a_nameless_sweet_dish/
%
Why did the vegan cross the road?

To say that they’re vegan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f78cjr/why_did_the_vegan_cross_the_road/
%
Sex is like a rollercoaster...

Euphoric, filled with ups and downs, and there's always a chance that someone will throw up on you while riding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f787t7/sex_is_like_a_rollercoaster/
%
I just cannot get into reading chinese fiction

There are just too many characters...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f77w6n/i_just_cannot_get_into_reading_chinese_fiction/
%
Trying to outcheat the quack

### A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"
A guy tried his luck and went inside.
Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up
Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it
\[\*guy drinks medicine\*\]
Guy: \[\*spits\*\] fuck you, this is gasoline!
Quack: your sense of taste is now working. That will be $100
The guy, mad, paid and left, but returned two days after.
Guy: hey doc, i keep on forgetting things
Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it
Guy: fuck you, that's gasoline!
Quack: your mental faculties have been restored. That will be $100
Duped a second time, the fuy angrily paid and left, but returned two days after.
Guy: hey doc, i cant see well.
Quack: \[\*thinks for some time\*\] Sorry i dont have a cure for that. A deal is a deal; here's the money as promised. \[\*gets money from drawer and gives it to the guy\*\]
Guy: wait a minute, this is 50 bucks
Quack: good! Your sight has become well. Give that back and pay me $100

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f77ud4/trying_to_outcheat_the_quack/
%
David Lynch's car leaked coolant. He pulled over to check it.

There was a lady in the radiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f77sm4/david_lynchs_car_leaked_coolant_he_pulled_over_to/
%
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f77pgn/today_my_son_asked_can_i_have_a_book_mark_and_i/
%
Why was the hipster's bowtie wrinkled?

Cuz he wore it unironically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f77pay/why_was_the_hipsters_bowtie_wrinkled/
%
What does Bloomberg feed his cat?

Stop and Friskies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f77mv8/what_does_bloomberg_feed_his_cat/
%
An old Joke i heard a long time ago

Little jimmy was sitting in his room and playing with his train. His mother is was in the room next to him and she heard him say “This is the train conductor , all you Assholes and fucks get on the train. His mother was horrified of what her little boy was saying. So the next day she waited again and this time he said “We are at our destination mongrels and fucktards” . To this his mother punished him and gave him a time out and scolded him to be nicer and not say that to his train passengers. After his time out Little jimmy went again to play with his train. “Hello everyone , thank you for coming please board the train and hope you enjoy the journey” his mother was glad he learned his lesson then he said “hurry up please we are already late for departure because of the bitch in the next room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f77jah/an_old_joke_i_heard_a_long_time_ago/
%
I broke up with my boyfriend

My boyfriend just can't find the right hole.
Sometimes he is so off that it's my best friend's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f77ikq/i_broke_up_with_my_boyfriend/
%
I dunno why, but jokes on Flat Earthers always..

Fall flat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f77hs2/i_dunno_why_but_jokes_on_flat_earthers_always/
%
What is the relation between my height and penis sise?

I wish both were 3 inches longer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f76zt6/what_is_the_relation_between_my_height_and_penis/
%
So a guy gave his friend 10 puns hoping that one would make him laugh

Sadly no pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f76z0k/so_a_guy_gave_his_friend_10_puns_hoping_that_one/
%
Why do Uber drivers skip the gym?

Because they don't even Lyft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f76ops/why_do_uber_drivers_skip_the_gym/
%
I’m hosting an event for men struggling to ejaculate.

If you can’t come, let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f76haq/im_hosting_an_event_for_men_struggling_to/
%
Who is ZZ Top’s favourite hockey player?

Gordie Howe Howe Howe Howe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f76cn9/who_is_zz_tops_favourite_hockey_player/
%
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f769g6/why_did_the_monkey_fall_out_of_the_tree/
%
The Hamstrung Limpet

Do you know what the hamstrung limpet is? Well let me tell ya...
One fine spring day, a boy on a playground had a burning question. It was a rather odd question, so he decided to confide in a fellow child
He walked up to a little girl on the playground, and asked her, “Do you know what the hamstrung limpet is?”
A moment later she was doing her best to beat him to a pulp. A teacher was forced to separate them, but afterwards, they asked the boy what had happened.
“Well, see, I just asked her a question. Then she started hitting me. Do you know what the Hamstrung Limpet is?”
The teacher, restraining an apoplectic fit, sent the boy to the principal. The principal was perplexed by the silent teacher, so they asked the boy what had happened.
“Well, see, I just asked a girl a question. Then she started hitting me. Then I asked the teacher. She got real mad and sent me to you. Do you know what the Hamstrung Limpet is?”
The principal, after turning several shades of green, collapsed. A few months later, the principal pressed charges against the child for assault (the state had some very loose laws).
In court, the prosecutor asked the boy to explain what had happened.
“Well, see, I just asked a girl a question. Then she started hitting me. Then I asked the teacher. She got real mad and sent me to the principal. Then the principal fell over when I asked her, and sent me here. Ms. Prosecutor, do you know what the Hamstrung Limpet is?”
The entire court reeled in disgust. It was several decades later, when the boy (now a man) was to be executed, that he would be asked by the executioner what his last wish was.
“Well, see, I just asked a girl a question. Then she started hitting me. Then I asked the teacher. She got real mad and sent me to the principal. Then the principal fell over when I asked her, and sent me to court. Then I asked the prosecutor, and everyone in court got mad, so now I’m here. So Mr. Executioner , do you know what the Hamstrung Limpet is?”
The executioner blinked. “Do you not know?” he asked. The man shook his head. “Well now I feel kinda sorry for ya. The Hamstrung is one of the dirtiest, most disgusting things you can imagine. It’s a five minute long joke...                              ...with no punchline.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f768iu/the_hamstrung_limpet/
%
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace the retiring country doctor.

The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house, a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.”
“Huh,” the younger doctor said, “pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”
“Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I saw the preacher under the bed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f76794/a_young_doctor_had_moved_out_to_a_small_community/
%
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”
“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f76454/airman_jones_was_assigned_to_the_induction_center/
%
What did the Ethics Professor say to the Art Major?

You have to draw the line somewhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f760wo/what_did_the_ethics_professor_say_to_the_art_major/
%
I’m so confused

I was writing my wife a sexy love poem and she criticized me for the way I spelled vadgina. She never complained about me putting a D in there before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f75zez/im_so_confused/
%
My brother heard they call their mother some other name in the UK. He really wants to know what it is, but I’m not telling him to annoy him.

Mum’s the word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f75xih/my_brother_heard_they_call_their_mother_some/
%
An Irish guy, A Scot and British dude walk into a pub...

They all sit down and each orders a pint. Just then 3 flies swoop down and land in each one of their beers.
The British gent, thoroughly disgusted turns his nose up and pushes the beer away.
The Scot picks up the fly, looks at it, shrugs and continues to take a swig.
The Irishman see the fly, grabs it by its wings, shaking it violently says to the fly,
"Spit it out you bloody bastard, spit it out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f75wg4/an_irish_guy_a_scot_and_british_dude_walk_into_a/
%
I couldn't afford to take the kids to Sea World.

So I took them to the fish market and said, "Shhh, they're all sleeping."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f75t5e/i_couldnt_afford_to_take_the_kids_to_sea_world/
%
Did you know...

...if you put your ear to a complete stranger’s leg you can actually hear them yell
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f75sy9/did_you_know/
%
Left handed people die faster

Because they don't do things the right way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f75sqf/left_handed_people_die_faster/
%
It's a five-minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 45-minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f75rkz/its_a_fiveminute_walk_from_my_house_to_the_bar/
%
How does a color laugh?

Hue hue hue hue hue hue hue hue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f75ij2/how_does_a_color_laugh/
%
Spider-Man

Found a spider in the bathroom and my wife asked me to take it out, rather than kill it. So we went out. Had a few beers. Nice guy, actually. He's a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f75aej/spiderman/
%
Went to donate blood today... awful experience, never again...

Question after question... "who's blood is it?"... "where did you get it?"... "why is it in a bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f759xu/went_to_donate_blood_today_awful_experience_never/
%
Someone said I couldn’t tell a pun about crooked teeth

Well brace yourselves!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f756iu/someone_said_i_couldnt_tell_a_pun_about_crooked/
%
TIL that in some cultures, you are not a man until your father calls you one

TIAL that I am a 38-year-old boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f74xh2/til_that_in_some_cultures_you_are_not_a_man_until/
%
A women walks into a grocery shop

She then proceeds to buy :
ONE egg,
ONE muffin,
ONE ficello,
ONE piece of gum,
ONE toast,
etc,etc...
She then come at the front to pay. The cashier says :
- Woah, are you single ?
- Actually, yes ! But why you’re asking ?
- Because you’re fucking ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f74sze/a_women_walks_into_a_grocery_shop/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f74sed/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
Billy and his girlfriend wanted to fool around in bed, but Billy's little brother was asleep in the bottom bunk...

Billy said, "Let's use a code, so if little Johnny wakes up, he doesn't know what's going on. If you want me to go harder, say 'Tomato,' and if you want me to go faster, say 'Lettuce.'"
So Billy and his girlfriend started having sex. Billy's girlfriend started moaning, "Lettuce.... Tomato...." And by the end she was screaming, "Lettuce! Tomato!!! LETTUCE!! TOMATO!!!"
When they were finished, they heard little Johnny's voice from the bottom bunk: "Can you go make your sandwiches in the kitchen?? You're getting mayo all over my face!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f74r54/billy_and_his_girlfriend_wanted_to_fool_around_in/
%
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and spend much of each day
observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough,
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with
a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two
dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week
with the crew building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those lumberyard assholes ever deliver
the fucking sheet rock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f74pzi/a_young_family_moved_into_a_house_next_door_to_a/
%
Husband and wife are eating in a restaurant

The wife drops some food on her dress and goes:
-Oh God i look like a pig
And the husband says:
-Yeah, you also got some food on you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f74l65/husband_and_wife_are_eating_in_a_restaurant/
%
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group

I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f74kmr/welcome_back_to_the_plastic_surgery_addicts/
%
ME: What's 5Q + 5Q

FRIEND: 10Q?
ME: You're welcome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f74keo/me_whats_5q_5q/
%
With the threat of the new coralvirus, who did the fish put in charge of finding a cure?

The Sturgeon General

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f74gjk/with_the_threat_of_the_new_coralvirus_who_did_the/
%
What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?

A un-aware wolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f74e2h/what_do_you_call_a_werewolf_who_doesnt_know/
%
The doctor (not mine)

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f742qx/the_doctor_not_mine/
%
I love mountain jokes

They’re hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f741m4/i_love_mountain_jokes/
%
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?

In charge of the schedule Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f73vua/why_did_they_release_star_wars_episodes_4_5_6/
%
Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the King farted ?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f73pv0/why_did_no_one_in_the_kings_court_laugh_when_the/
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"Where do want this big roll of bubble wrap", I asked my boss. "Just pop it over in the corner", he says...

Fucking prick - took me three hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f73m5y/where_do_want_this_big_roll_of_bubble_wrap_i/
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My therapist told me I should second guess myself less

[Edited]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f73ltu/my_therapist_told_me_i_should_second_guess_myself/
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Therapist: your wife says you don’t buy her flowers is that true?

Him: To be honest I never knew she sold flowers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f73bs6/therapist_your_wife_says_you_dont_buy_her_flowers/
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Two old men are sitting out on the deck of a cruise ship. One turns to the other and asks, "have you read Marx?"

The other replies, "yeah, I think it's from sitting on these wicker chairs".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f73blo/two_old_men_are_sitting_out_on_the_deck_of_a/
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The first time I rode the elevator, it was a truly uplifting experience...

The second time was a bit of a let down, however.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f733ml/the_first_time_i_rode_the_elevator_it_was_a_truly/
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My girlfriend in college was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f732gd/my_girlfriend_in_college_was_obsessed_with_trying/
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In high school my math teacher was secretly a pirate.

All she ever wanted to do was find X.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f72v8f/in_high_school_my_math_teacher_was_secretly_a/
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Who is 6’5”, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture?

Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f72twh/who_is_65_ripped_and_loves_17th_century_european/
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What's an Australian ghost's favourite dessert?

Boo-meringue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f72sw9/whats_an_australian_ghosts_favourite_dessert/
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How does NASA organise a party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f72sp5/how_does_nasa_organise_a_party/
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Me: I visited the French Riviera this year

Friend: Was it horrible?
Me: No. It was Nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f72qwb/me_i_visited_the_french_riviera_this_year/
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What do you call a stoner's funeral?

A wake and bake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f72pr0/what_do_you_call_a_stoners_funeral/
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I got in trouble for trying to bring a dead rabbit on a plane.

I thought I was allowed one carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f72pf9/i_got_in_trouble_for_trying_to_bring_a_dead/
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For Sale - Dead Budgie

Not going cheep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f72n12/for_sale_dead_budgie/
%
A guy is complaining about how much money his wife spends.

"Yesterday she asked for $100. The day before for $50. The day before that for $200. It never ends."
"Wow" said his friend. "What does she spend it on?"
"Oh. I never give her any."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f72m1q/a_guy_is_complaining_about_how_much_money_his/
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When I make love it's like a misquito bite

You don't feel anything until the itching starts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f72k4r/when_i_make_love_its_like_a_misquito_bite/
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(NSFW) Little Billy wakes up one night

hearing strange noises from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Billy screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Billy runs away, screaming.
Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Billy everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life".
Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Billy's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is  slightly open, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Billy fucking her from behind.
Dad screams.
Billy turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f72jqe/nsfw_little_billy_wakes_up_one_night/
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A man walks into a library and says, “Can I get a cheeseburger?”

The librarian says, “Sir, this is a library.”
The man says, “Oh, sorry.” He whispers, “Can I get a cheeseburger?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f72jj9/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_says_can_i_get_a/
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I used to be a man trapped inside a woman’s body...

And then my mom gave birth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f72a3t/i_used_to_be_a_man_trapped_inside_a_womans_body/
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

You know, one would've been enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f72a1o/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/
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The headline was "two babies found dead at recycling center..."

I'm going to hell because my first thought was "Good job. We used to just throw those away. Now we're recycling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f720um/the_headline_was_two_babies_found_dead_at/
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I tried to ask a mod what his sexual orientation was...

But I couldn’t get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f71ndr/i_tried_to_ask_a_mod_what_his_sexual_orientation/
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Three man sentenced to death

Three man, one French, one Spaniard and one German were sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner called the first one, the French, and asks him what's was his lest wish before death, he shout out "nothing, I surrender". The executioner drops the blade, but it gets stucked, the executioners sees it as a sign of the fate and let the French man go. Then he calls the Spaniard and say: last wish? The Spaniards says: A paella wouldn't be bad. They bring him a paella, he eats and after puts his neck under the blade. The executioner drop the blade and gets stucked again. The executioner sees as a sign of the fate and let him go. Then he calls the German and asks him for his last wish. The German angrily replies: YOU FIX THIS GOD DAMN GUILLOTINE OR I WILL.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f71b7z/three_man_sentenced_to_death/
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A nurse goes into a room to shave a male patient before his appendectomy.

When she comes out of his room a few minutes later, she is on the verge of laughing hysterically. The other nurses ask her what she’s laughing about. She tells them that the patient has a tattoo on his penis that says “TiNY”. One by one each nurse goes in and comes back out giggling about the man’s tattoo.
At shift change, the nurses tell the new, young, attractive nurse just coming on duty that she needs to check out the tattoo on the patient in Room 3. As she heads towards the room she hears the women giggling behind her. She comes back out of the room a couple minutes later with a curious look on her face. The other nurses ask, “Did you see his tattoo? Didn’t you think it was funny?” To which the nurse replies, “I did see it, but I don’t get what’s so funny about a tattoo that says Ticonderoga, NY!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f719r7/a_nurse_goes_into_a_room_to_shave_a_male_patient/
%
My computer said hello when I turned it on.

I figured it must be a Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f714vy/my_computer_said_hello_when_i_turned_it_on/
%
When is it okay for your partner to lie to you during sex?

When his name is Pinocchio and you’re sitting on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f7146c/when_is_it_okay_for_your_partner_to_lie_to_you/
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I just read a King Midas and King Oedipus crossover

It's pure motherfucking gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f711az/i_just_read_a_king_midas_and_king_oedipus/
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A Mississippi boy ran to his father

, crying with his pants pulled down and an obvious boner. “Daddy, Daddy,” he cried, “My pecker is hard and won’t go soft!”
“Don’t worry, Son, I know how to fix it,” the father replied. “Go out to the barn and get two big handfuls of cow shit and rub on it. That’ll make it soft again.”
The boy runs to the barn, and just as he picks up two big handfuls, his sister walks in. “What the hell are you doing Brother?” she exclaims. Brother explains the whole situation and how Father told him to fix it. Sister shakes her head, pulls up her dress, drops her panties, points to her pussy, and says. “No dumbass put it in here!” So, he does…both handfuls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f70xfq/a_mississippi_boy_ran_to_his_father/
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I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f70vhl/i_used_to_tell_dad_jokes/
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What does a dyslexic see in Tulsa?

A slut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f70vgo/what_does_a_dyslexic_see_in_tulsa/
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A young man intends to marry the love of his life.

His father explains the three rings.
The first ring is the engagement ring. It tells her of your undying love.
The second ring is the wedding ring. It signifies your intent to stay with this woman for the rest of your lives.
Then comes the suffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f70sex/a_young_man_intends_to_marry_the_love_of_his_life/
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What do you call an 8 year old stuck in a closet?

I don't remember, but the amber alert called her Mary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f70ryj/what_do_you_call_an_8_year_old_stuck_in_a_closet/
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, they're efficient and not very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f70qvj/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're

There so stupid!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f70p1h/i_hate_it_when_people_dont_know_the_difference/
%
A soldier runs up a hill and around a corner before slamming into an officer.

“Where do you think you’re going, son?”
“Sorry, Captain! It’s crazy out there and the firefight was so heavy. I got scare and tried to go AWOL.”
“Who you calling “Captain?” I’m a general!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the soldier. “I didn’t realized I’d run that far back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f70gpg/a_soldier_runs_up_a_hill_and_around_a_corner/
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I lost both my eyes a couple of days ago

I gotta say, I didn’t see it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f70gjd/i_lost_both_my_eyes_a_couple_of_days_ago/
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A cowboy was walking in the desert

When he comes across a bar with a banner that says “free drinks for life if you pass bartenders challenge” so the cowboy goes inside and asked the bartender what is the challenge? Well first the bartender says you must drink a half gallon of peppered whiskey without making any facial expressions. Then the seconds challenge he explains that he has a crocodile in the back with a sore tooth and that he must remove it. Then the last part he tells him that he has a prostitute upstairs that has never had a orgasm and he must give her one. So the cowboy said I’ll think on it and orders a beer. So a couple beers later the cowboy yells where’s the peppered whiskey so the bartender hands him the bottle and he chugs it down with ease like it was water. Then he goes in the back room where the crocodile is and closes the door behind him. Everybody hears fighting and all kinds of ruckus then after a few minutes the cowboy comes into the bar and yells “okay where’s the whore with the sore tooth!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f70ayk/a_cowboy_was_walking_in_the_desert/
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Whats the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f709ft/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
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At the doctors office...

Doctor: Your physical results came in. Dont eat anything fatty.
Man: What like Burgers, bacon, fast food?
Doctor: No fatty, dont eat anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f70008/at_the_doctors_office/
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Breaking news.

Black guy shot with a starting pistol.
Police think it's race related!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6zdm3/breaking_news/
%
Twins celebrating their 102nd Birthday (Long)

The editor of a local paper hears about these two twins in the retirement home Harriet and Hazel who is celebrating their 102nd Birthday. He needs a feel-good story for filler so he sends down a photographer to snap some pictures.
He gets there and asks the twins if he can take their picture.
Harriet being hard of hearing asked, "What did he say?"
Hazel shouts in her ear, "He wants to take our picture for the paper!"
The photographer asked them to sit together on the couch then again Harriet asks, "What did he say?" Hazel then shouts "He wants us to sit together!"
Finally, the photographer gets the picture he wants and says, 'That's perfect, just let me focus. Again Harrit pipes in and asks, "What he says?" Hazel shouts He says he wants to focus!"
Hazel looks stunned and says "Both of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6zd2r/twins_celebrating_their_102nd_birthday_long/
%
Some guy was doing a crossword with his wife...

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6zapo/some_guy_was_doing_a_crossword_with_his_wife/
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I always wanted to see the Great Wall of China

So I booked a Wuhan way ticket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6z79w/i_always_wanted_to_see_the_great_wall_of_china/
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What's the difference between a rubber tire and 365 condoms?

One's a goodyear, one's a great year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6z33l/whats_the_difference_between_a_rubber_tire_and/
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I tried to make a joke about eating ass...

Butt it was a little too tongue-in-cheek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6z1cf/i_tried_to_make_a_joke_about_eating_ass/
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Why do mermaids wear seashells?

She couldn't fit into b-shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6yyij/why_do_mermaids_wear_seashells/
%
A Karen walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Sorry, I can't serve you," the Bartender says.
"Is it because I'm female?" screeches Karen. "You are a sexist pig."
"Nope, we serve people of all genders."
"Is it because my name is Karen?" shouts Karen.
"No, we serve people no matter their name."
"Is it because I'm Muslim?" screams Karen."
"I didn't know you were Muslim, and anyways, we serve people of all religions."
"Is it because I'm lesbian?" yells Karen. "You homophobe."
"No, how would I know that you were lesbian?" The bartender replies calmly. "We serve people of all sexual orientations as well."
"Is it because I'm blonde?"
"Not at the time, but now your idiocy is really annoying me. We still serve people of all intelligence levels."
"Then why, oh why, won't you serve me a fucking beer?"
"Because you are only twelve years old you idiot," says the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6yqy4/a_karen_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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Why did the perfectionist denounce the genocide?

For its terrible execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ynnd/why_did_the_perfectionist_denounce_the_genocide/
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I like telling dad jokes even though I'm not a dad.

I'm a faux pa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6yizq/i_like_telling_dad_jokes_even_though_im_not_a_dad/
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Funny joke in here!

Hi, we have been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ygk9/funny_joke_in_here/
%
If Thor Odinson is the son of Odin...

Then Homer Simpson must be your son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6yep9/if_thor_odinson_is_the_son_of_odin/
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Where does an Italian gang live?

In the "Spaghetto"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6y630/where_does_an_italian_gang_live/
%
What do you call an alarm clock that doesn't have a snooze button?

A toddler.
(Hang in there fellow parents)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6xp37/what_do_you_call_an_alarm_clock_that_doesnt_have/
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I hosted a gender reveal party.

The guests were disgusted when I took off my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6xh8q/i_hosted_a_gender_reveal_party/
%
I remember running from a fight in the 5th grade. My grandma said "either you fight him, or you fight me"

I whoopped her ass that day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6xgs0/i_remember_running_from_a_fight_in_the_5th_grade/
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A friend of mine who suffers from long term memory loss went to an employment agency to find what work he's suited for.

Today he became chief moderator for r/jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6x9mz/a_friend_of_mine_who_suffers_from_long_term/
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2 blonds are in heaven....

One asked the other: "how did you die?"
"I froze to death" said the second blond
"That must be awful, how it felt?" said the first blond
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death. It's sort of calming. How did you die? "
"Well, " says the first blonde, " I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me. I came home unexpectedly and went upstairs to find him on the bed naked. I checked the basement, but no one was there. I ran up to the second floor and checked every room, but no one was there. I ran all the way to the attic, but I had a massive heart attack and I died."
"Wow, " says the second blonde, "If you checked the freezer we would both be alive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6x8vb/2_blonds_are_in_heaven/
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The pretzel hold

So the wrestling coach comes up to jimmy. "Listen Jimmy, I've seen this kid wrestle 3-4 times. Hes got this pretzel hold man and if he gets you in it your done. Over. So IDK how to avoid it or what but whatever you do watch for that pretzel hold."
Match starts. Not 2 seconds in Jimmies in a pretzel hold. Teacher throws his clip board and stomps away pissed when all of a sudden the crowd roars. He turns back and now Jimmies on top and beating the crap out of the other kid.
So they get to the locker room and coach says "Aite Jimmy. Lets hear it. How the hell did you get out of that pretzel hold?"
Jimmy looks at him for a second then tells him "well there I was in the pretzel hold and boy were you right. Then just as I was gonna tap out I turned my head a little bit and right there in front of me about an inch from my face were these two nuts. And boy let me tell you, you wont ever know how strong you really are till youve bit your own nutsack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6x7wq/the_pretzel_hold/
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Maggy's sex addicted boyfriend is a tree hugger

and every time he comes home from a protest she has to beat him off with a stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6x3qa/maggys_sex_addicted_boyfriend_is_a_tree_hugger/
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Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?

We recycle our material every fucking day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6wt7y/why_does_greta_thunberg_like_rjokes_so_much/
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My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

I call it...  Lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6wios/my_favorite_exercise_is_a_cross_between_a_lunge/
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What do fish get high on?

Seaweed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6wghy/what_do_fish_get_high_on/
%
What did Roger Stone say when he bumped into Donald Trump?

Pardon me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6wdsj/what_did_roger_stone_say_when_he_bumped_into/
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The Hunter.

There was a big game hunter in a bar in Africa. He was on a safari vacation with his wife. He was very good as a hunter.
While in the bar, he boasted that he could tell any animal and how it was killed by the feel of the pelt and the bullet hole. And he could do it blindfolded.
Of course, no one believed him. So they bet drinks, blindfold him, and bring the first pelt.
He feels it, ponders a moment, and says, "Lion, killed with a 30-06."
The others are amazed. Double or nothing they say. Another round of drinks and another pelt are brought. "Rhino, killed with a 45-70," he proclaims. The patrons are again amazed at his accuracy.
This goes on for several more rounds. After a few hours he is so drunk he blacks out.
He wakes up the next morning with his wife making breakfast and he has a black eye. He asks her why he has a black eye, that he doesn't remember fighting.
She says, "There was no fight. But if you slide your hand into my panties and say 'skunk, killed with an axe," ever again, I will kill YOU with the axe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6w6ul/the_hunter/
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I love the way the earth rotates.

It makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6w0do/i_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
%
What do you call a bunch of homosexuals on fire?

LGBBQ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6vz43/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_homosexuals_on_fire/
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What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6vx39/whats_the_difference_between_a_pick_pocket_and_a/
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A detective went to investigate a fisherman

He said “I want to ask you some questions.” To which the fisherman replied “Sure,But you need to buy me some worms first” the detective says “God dammit I’m here to investigate not invest in bait”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6vdtz/a_detective_went_to_investigate_a_fisherman/
%
"Do you have a vagina?"

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there
He asks the lady,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have one,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
Edit #1: Hey guys, thanks for the many upvotes, hope y'all enjoyed it.
Edit #2: To all those that kept saying that this is a repost, well...it is. Jokes are meant to be share, just because you've seen it doesn't mean that everyone have seen it too. I'm reposting this for those who haven't seen it yet, if you've seen it then good for you.
Sorry for my bad engrish though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6v1qp/do_you_have_a_vagina/
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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.

Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"Wat are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, wat on this God's earth are dey for inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6uzr7/on_a_golf_tour_in_ireland_tiger_woods_drives_his/
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"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Detective" "Detective who?"

I'm asking the questions here, pal.
\*Credit to a friend's 5 year old!\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6uwu2/knock_knock_whos_there_detective_detective_who/
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Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6upi8/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in

She really wanted a daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6umq5/i_remember_when_mom_used_to_tuck_me_in/
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I can never remember the Roman numerals for 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500...

IM LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6uldh/i_can_never_remember_the_roman_numerals_for_1/
%
Why did the guitarist get arrested?

He was caught fingering A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ul71/why_did_the_guitarist_get_arrested/
%
This morning while I was driving to work, a game warden pulled me over

and wrote me a ticket for no life jacket.
This is a regional joke in Louisiana. I ain't see the sun shine in 3 damn days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ukrw/this_morning_while_i_was_driving_to_work_a_game/
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What does Jussie Smollette and Mike Bloomberg have in common?

They both paid to have their asses beat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6uev5/what_does_jussie_smollette_and_mike_bloomberg/
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What does The Internet and my family have in common

They can’t take a fucking joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ucnc/what_does_the_internet_and_my_family_have_in/
%
I just bought 10 gallons of Witeout.

Big mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6u7ok/i_just_bought_10_gallons_of_witeout/
%
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

Bird flu requires tweetment, and swine flu requires oinkment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6u5fx/whats_the_difference_between_bird_flu_and_swine/
%
The 2020 election might be full of great choices

Like which elderly racist New York businessman to vote for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6u4kd/the_2020_election_might_be_full_of_great_choices/
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Expectant mothers of Reddit, name your child Gotham.

When they cry in the middle of the night you can turn to your SO and whisper on their ear 'Gotham needs you!' and they will get up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6tzsz/expectant_mothers_of_reddit_name_your_child_gotham/
%
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6twsq/a_man_is_in_the_hospital_wearing_an_oxygen_mask/
%
Dear people who wrongly say "ATM machine".

I hope you get the HIV virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6tw0w/dear_people_who_wrongly_say_atm_machine/
%
What do you call 2 vegans arguing?

A tofeud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6trq6/what_do_you_call_2_vegans_arguing/
%
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.
As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.
The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line.
As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque.
Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on...
"These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home."
The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments.
After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives.
"Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?"
"Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6tr2j/a_marine_returns_from_duty_in_iraq_and_is/
%
I went to a support group for premature ejaculation yesterday.

I wasn't sure what to wear, so I came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6tn4d/i_went_to_a_support_group_for_premature/
%
I took my 8-year-old to the office on ...

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around,she started crying and getting very cranky,so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered around,she sobbed "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6tloq/i_took_my_8yearold_to_the_office_on/
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A true nazi joke

You can only be considered a true aryan when you are as thin as Göring, as handsome as Goebbels and as blonde as Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6tksz/a_true_nazi_joke/
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Jesus Christ walks into a bar

He orders a round of water for everyone. The bartender wasn't too happy about that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6teuh/jesus_christ_walks_into_a_bar/
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Life really is like a box of chocolates

It ends fast for obese people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6t6p0/life_really_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Why are geologists so hypercritical?

Its their job to find the faults of things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6t27s/why_are_geologists_so_hypercritical/
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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...
\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.
The government charges a gift tax.
\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
\*\*FASCISM\*\*
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
\*\*NAZISM\*\*
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
\*\*BUREAUCRATISM\*\*
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
\*\*TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM\*\*
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
\*\*Goldman Sachs (VENTURE) CAPITALISM\*\*
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
\*\*AN AMERICAN CORPORATION\*\*
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
\*\*A GREEK CORPORATION\*\*
You have two cows.  You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.  You still only have two cows.
\*\*A FRENCH CORPORATION\*\*
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
\*\*A JAPANESE CORPORATION\*\*
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
\*\*AN ITALIAN CORPORATION\*\*
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
\*\*A SWISS CORPORATION\*\*
You have 5000 cows.  None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
\*\*A CHINESE CORPORATION\*\*
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
\*\*AN INDIAN CORPORATION\*\*
You have two cows.
You worship them.
\*\*A BRITISH CORPORATION\*\*
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
\*\*AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION\*\*
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
\*\*A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION\*\*
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks rather attractive.........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6t08r/bovine_economics/
%
Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby."
The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"
The nurse goes away.
Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!"
The nurse goes away.
The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!"
The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!"
The nurse goes away.
The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying.
She asks, "Why are you crying"?
The man replies, "I work for Seven Up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6sz8c/once_there_were_four_business_men_they_were/
%
Woody Harrelson was heard recently to have increased interest in computer technology

Especially the RAM part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6sz2a/woody_harrelson_was_heard_recently_to_have/
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Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene?

To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6srvx/why_did_the_cannibal_chef_rush_to_the_bryant/
%
Star Trek characters make the worst sports fans...

They always root for the away team

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6si4f/star_trek_characters_make_the_worst_sports_fans/
%
If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6seu1/if_meat_is_murder/
%
What do you call an angry midget?

Short-tempered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6saxu/what_do_you_call_an_angry_midget/
%
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?

He couldn't concentrate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6sa5i/why_did_the_man_lose_his_job_at_the_orange_juice/
%
Did you hear about the new Miley Cyrus, Billie Eilish & Carly Rae Jepsen super-group?

They're called Billie Rae Cyrus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6rx5x/did_you_hear_about_the_new_miley_cyrus_billie/
%
I once had a boyfriend in kindergarten

Then he got fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6rwz4/i_once_had_a_boyfriend_in_kindergarten/
%
I saw an ad for a butterfly knife

And I was like "a knife? How big are these butterflies?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ruuw/i_saw_an_ad_for_a_butterfly_knife/
%
Why did the turkey cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6rlw5/why_did_the_turkey_cross_the_road/
%
Did a shitpost today

Put my bowel cancer test sample in the envelope provided..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6rj56/did_a_shitpost_today/
%
Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire

...on average.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6rhw6/bill_gates_walks_into_a_bar_and_everyone_inside/
%
A friend of mine thanked me for introducing him to minimalism

I told him it's the least I could do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6reqy/a_friend_of_mine_thanked_me_for_introducing_him/
%
Build a man a fire and you keep him warm for a day

Light a man on fire and you keep him warm the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6r95c/build_a_man_a_fire_and_you_keep_him_warm_for_a_day/
%
Lately my wife looks at me like I’m just a piece of meat.

And it wouldn’t bother me if she wasn’t a vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6r8a4/lately_my_wife_looks_at_me_like_im_just_a_piece/
%
My next door neighbors are porn stars.

They just don't know it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6r7qt/my_next_door_neighbors_are_porn_stars/
%
Life Hack: Give your child a normal name.

Me: I'm guessing you're still pissed that we called you Life Hack...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6r66q/life_hack_give_your_child_a_normal_name/
%
I went to a Zoo in France the other day and all they had was a Baguette in a Cage...

It was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6r2po/i_went_to_a_zoo_in_france_the_other_day_and_all/
%
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the lottery... To be fair they were right, we had six matching balls!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6qyvw/two_thai_girls_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_sleep_with/
%
An MIT linguistics professor

was lecturing his class the other day. "In english" he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages such as Russian, a double negative remains negative. But there isnt a sigle language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
Someome from the back of the room replied
"Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6qx9w/an_mit_linguistics_professor/
%
My son asked me if I ever fell in love with a high school teacher

“Well I did.” I said.
“Oh? And what happened?”
“Your mother moved you to another school.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6qvwz/my_son_asked_me_if_i_ever_fell_in_love_with_a/
%
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.

One of them decides to start a conversation.
“So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.”
The second man says:
“I arrived at the factory too early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.”
The third man says:
“I arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6qu95/three_inmates_are_on_the_train_to_the_gulag/
%
How many Social Workers does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But fifteen to write a report about surviving in darkness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6qt2e/how_many_social_workers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I have a friend who works in a zoo

My friend works in a zoo, I thought that would be my dream job. I asked him, "hey man, you enjoy your job?".
He said, "no man, I'm not happy at all"
So I asked him, "what do you do at the zoo?"
He told me, "I work as an elephant circumciser. The job is messy, ugly and smelly, but the tips are huge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6qr7k/i_have_a_friend_who_works_in_a_zoo/
%
What do you get when you put human DNA in a goat?

Arrested and permanently banned from the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6qqvl/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_human_dna_in_a_goat/
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r/Wuhan_flu has been quarantined.

Is this some kind of sick joke...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6q6x9/rwuhan_flu_has_been_quarantined/
%
I like to disassociate myself from the word 'Xenophobia'

It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6q1lu/i_like_to_disassociate_myself_from_the_word/
%
I caught my Boss having sex with his secretary in his office

"Close the door!" he said angrily.
"Can't you see that we are having a debriefing!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6pszc/i_caught_my_boss_having_sex_with_his_secretary_in/
%
One morning, a man and his wife were walking in the park.

Suddenly, the man collapsed.
The woman yelled for help.
Woman: Is anyone here a doctor?
A stranger approached the couple.
Stranger: I am a doctor.
Woman: Help us, please!
Stranger: But I'm only a doctor in philosophy.
Woman: My husband is about to die!
Stranger: But did he ever truly live?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6psa6/one_morning_a_man_and_his_wife_were_walking_in/
%
The Night the Eiffel Tower’s Lights Went Out

One fateful night, the lights on the Eiffel Tower went out. It was, of course, a national tragedy for all of France and quite a problem, not the least of which being the fact that airplanes could very easily fly right into the thing.
The French government called every last engineer or electrician they could think of, and each one tried to fix the lights with no success. It was a baffling, befuddling problem that it seemed nobody could solve.
Then, out of nowhere, a man with the smallest hands anyone had ever seen came to the French officials and said, “I’ll do it. I’ll fix lights.”
The officials asked him what qualifications he had.
“None.”
They asked him his plan.
“None.”
The officials laughed, but they were out of options. So they sent the man up to the top of the tower with no hope that he could succeed.
But he did.
Within minutes, the lights on the Eiffel Tower shined brighter than they ever had. The officials were stunned, but elated. As the small-handed man came back down from the tower, they regaled him and hailed him as a national hero.
One question remained, however.
“How’d you do it? How’d you fix it?”
The man’s speech was poor, and he said few words, but he did say this:
“Mini hands make light work.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6pp6u/the_night_the_eiffel_towers_lights_went_out/
%
I was at a friend's funeral and spotted an attractive girl.

Wasn't long before I got mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6po0w/i_was_at_a_friends_funeral_and_spotted_an/
%
So a costumer asked the chef if anyone ever orders steak raw

The chef said "Yeah but that's rare"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6phez/so_a_costumer_asked_the_chef_if_anyone_ever/
%
A poor South Korean man decided to join the military

He really did not want to join the military because he knew his wife was a loose woman, but he had no other choice.
After his posting of 6 months at the North Korean border, he comes back to his house only to see his wife ditch him for another man.
Really upset about the fact that serving in the military meant time away from his family, he then quits it and becomes a toilet cleaner.
His children hated him for it and said that their friends were making fun of them in school because of his profession.
One day after he came to school, his children too left the house, for they could no longer endure the ridicule from their schoolmates.
Alone with all the money he had earned from working so hard, the South Korean man then asks himself:
"I have won, but at what cost?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ph2i/a_poor_south_korean_man_decided_to_join_the/
%
Funkiest joke in the world according to my 8 yr old son.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Europe
Europe who?
No. YOU’RE A POO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6pc9c/funkiest_joke_in_the_world_according_to_my_8_yr/
%
What do you call two similar looking pair of breasts?

Identities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6pa33/what_do_you_call_two_similar_looking_pair_of/
%
I don't allow my children to watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6p48x/i_dont_allow_my_children_to_watch_the_orchestra/
%
Today I had a near death experience

This guy just dropped dead right next to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6p0gn/today_i_had_a_near_death_experience/
%
If life gives you melons.

You may be dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ouwe/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
What do you call a murderer with two butts?

An assassin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6oqre/what_do_you_call_a_murderer_with_two_butts/
%
Why was the duck arrested?

For selling quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6oqg7/why_was_the_duck_arrested/
%
What are Star Wars clone troopers muscles built of?

Kamino acids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6op6e/what_are_star_wars_clone_troopers_muscles_built_of/
%
I still remember the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket.

He said, “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6oinv/i_still_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said/
%
A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward

I really hope my parents like her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6o9qb/a_girl_suggested_i_set_up_a_double_date_to_make/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6o4nd/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
Why do sorority girls walk in groups of 3 or 5?

Because they 'can't even'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6o3vi/why_do_sorority_girls_walk_in_groups_of_3_or_5/
%
I can make the boss give me the day off.

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6nze0/i_can_make_the_boss_give_me_the_day_off/
%
A book of dad jokes saved my marriage.

Was finally able to make my wife moan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ntmc/a_book_of_dad_jokes_saved_my_marriage/
%
A man decides to sell his Jeep Wrangler

Because his friends keep giving him a hard time about the car saying it’s a vehicle made for teenage girls, the Jeep owner decided to go ahead and sell it.
One of the man’s friends felt pretty bad about it and decided to help him out, telling the owner that he would drive it around with the “for sale” sign on it to get it some exposure.
After the first day, the owner called his friend to see how it was going.
“Hey man, how did today go? Any luck?”
“Actually yeah! I had 4 people stop me and give me an offer. I even accepted one for you since it was too good to pass up.”
“Wow, that’s great! How much am I going to get?”
“$20 per hour, you’re going to start babysitting her kids next week.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6nl2l/a_man_decides_to_sell_his_jeep_wrangler/
%
Two guys meet at the gym to play handball

They start changing, and one guy notices his friend is wearing a sexy black bra.  He says, "When the hell did you start wearing that?"
The other guy says, "Right after my wife found it in my car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ndgt/two_guys_meet_at_the_gym_to_play_handball/
%
A student seemed upset so a math teacher walks up to him.

The teacher says hey tommy what's wrong?
Tommy says I'm having girl problems and I need help solving this issue.
The teacher says I'll do what I can.
Tommy says I don't want to tell you their names so let's call them x y and z. I like y and yesterday in the lunchroom I ran into them and it seemed like y was trying to flirt with me but her friends interrupted and in the end they just made fun of me.
The teacher says this is your problem? He continues and says you should have learned this in middle school.
Tommy says am I supposed to write a love letter?
The teacher replies and says no Tommy this is why you are failing my class.
You're supposed to isolate the variable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ncj7/a_student_seemed_upset_so_a_math_teacher_walks_up/
%
What do you call a waffle buried in sand?

San Diego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6n0xg/what_do_you_call_a_waffle_buried_in_sand/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6mxm4/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
What's the difference between a 10 yr job and a 10 yr marriage?

The job still sucks after 10 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6mrnv/whats_the_difference_between_a_10_yr_job_and_a_10/
%
A Christian Priest arrives at the gates of Hell

"How'd you die?" asked a demon.
The priest replied, "I had a heart attack."
D: Well what happened?
P: Someone broke my windows, popped the tire on my Harley, and stole all my tools out of my shed.
D: Well that'd give anyone a heart attack. But you're a priest! Why are you in hell?
P: Well, I was receiving confessionals when a boy walked in and said "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." I asked what he did. He said "I broke someone's windows, popped a tire on his Harley, and stole all his tools." I had a heart attack while I was wringing the little shit's neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6mldh/a_christian_priest_arrives_at_the_gates_of_hell/
%
What happens when you have a bladder infection?

Urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6mf9z/what_happens_when_you_have_a_bladder_infection/
%
I don't understand why people are so upset about President Trump playing Golf.

The More time he is away from the office the better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6m8en/i_dont_understand_why_people_are_so_upset_about/
%
You missed a great joke

Carl: how many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?
Steve: well I can eat 6.
Carl: no you can eat only 1 because after after eating one you are no longer on an empty stomach.
Steve: Great joke! I will tell my friend.
Steve: dude how many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?
Roger: 4
Steve: idiot. If you had said 6 I would have told you a great joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6lwyg/you_missed_a_great_joke/
%
Why do you not fight dinosaurs?

Because you will get jur-ass-kicked! My daughter told me this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6luub/why_do_you_not_fight_dinosaurs/
%
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6lii3/sad_news_the_founder_of_rjokes_has_passed_away/
%
What's the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?

The position of the dirt bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6l0a4/whats_the_difference_between_a_harley_and_a/
%
People are offended by the smallest things these days

So please keep your dick in your pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6kurx/people_are_offended_by_the_smallest_things_these/
%
What is the most relaxing planet?

Naptune

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6kaxa/what_is_the_most_relaxing_planet/
%
A scientist walks into a bar and sees a depressed man.

"What's wrong?" says the scientist.
"I have nothing to live for," the man replies miserably. "I'm an absolute nobody. I don't have anything to offer the world. I'm completely unspecial and just another average Joe. I don't even know why I'm here. What's the point? What's my purpose?"
The scientist thinks for a moment. "Well," she finally says, "did you know that you're made of stuff? As in, you're comprised of particles. Your entire being is the existence of atoms, molecules, elements... far more than enough of it to have mass. Do you get what I'm saying?"
"Not at all," the man responds. "You're gonna have to dumb it down for me."
The scientist says: "You matter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6k7vt/a_scientist_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_depressed/
%
Infinite Mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "What'll it be, boys?"
The first mathematician: "I'll have one half of a beer." The second mathematician: "I'll have one quarter of a beer." The third mathematician: "I'll have one eight of a beer." The fourth mathematician: "I'll have one sixteenth of a…"
The bartender interrupts: "Know your limits, boys" as he pours out a single beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6jxmr/infinite_mathematicians_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I just turned down a job at my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables

The celery was unacceptable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6jtzr/i_just_turned_down_a_job_at_my_local_fruit_and/
%
Did you know Anakin Skywalker was Jewish?

You can tell because he cut up his force kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6jtha/did_you_know_anakin_skywalker_was_jewish/
%
what can you lose by remembering it?

The Game
(i’ll see myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6jszj/what_can_you_lose_by_remembering_it/
%
The fact that flammable and inflammable mean the same thing is concerning...

And disconcerning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6jrwb/the_fact_that_flammable_and_inflammable_mean_the/
%
I was once getting a hand job from a blind girl

She said "this is the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on"
I said "no, you're just pulling my leg!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6jlec/i_was_once_getting_a_hand_job_from_a_blind_girl/
%
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank...

I have no words for how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6jft6/i_bought_a_dictionary_and_when_i_got_home_i/
%
My lotion bottle says to use on areas of irritation

so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6jcxd/my_lotion_bottle_says_to_use_on_areas_of/
%
Why is "Dark" spelled with a "K" and not a "C"?

Because you can't "C" in the dark!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6j9jl/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
%
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?

They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6j6em/why_are_hamsters_like_cigarettes/
%
What do you get when you pour root beer into a square glass?

Beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6j3dr/what_do_you_get_when_you_pour_root_beer_into_a/
%
I was having trouble sleeping..

I've been having trouble sleeping, not getting good sleep, etc, so I went to the doctor and told them I've been having trouble in the bedroom. We chatted for a few minutes without getting into anything specifIc, he was being kind of vague for some reason. Anyway, he gave me a script for some pills and said I think these are going to take care of you're little problem. I thought okay cool, I took one that night, and i slept all through the night... but I don't know how I feel about them. It kinda seems like overkill to me...the doctor could've just told me not to sleep on my stomach...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6j04c/i_was_having_trouble_sleeping/
%
Would you like to purchase a device that tracks how many times you've avoided buying fake worktops?

it's called my Counter Counterfeiting Counter-fitting Counter Fitting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6iyus/would_you_like_to_purchase_a_device_that_tracks/
%
Danish, French and Italian women ...

A Danish guy, a Frenchman and an Italian man got together in a bar in Berlin after attending the long and boring business conference. Their talk drifted to the subject of women, of course, with each man claiming that the women in their home country were the sexiest and most sensual.
"If we were in a bar in Roma," the Italian guy said, "you would note that the cocktails served to women are served with extra long straws. Now this is not because Italian women have need of a long straw to grasp it, no, no, it is because our women have such long and beautiful necks. Ah, I tell you, Italian women are simply so magnifica, the best in the world.
The Frenchman shook his head. "Ah, but non, let me tell you about French women. If we were in a bar in Paris, you would note that the women sitting on the bar stools all have their feet on the floor. Now this is not because we have low bar stools in France, no, no, it is because our women have such long and beautiful legs. Ah, I tell you, a French woman's long legs in sheer nylon stockings are magnifique, the best in the world.
The Danish guy had the feeling that he had to defend Danish women, but he had to admit that although he did think Danish women were the best (of course), he was finding it difficult to express himself as eloquently as the Italian and the Frenchman. Still, the honor of his country was at stake, so he had to make the effort. "Well, let me tell you," he said. "When a Danish man says goodbye to his wife when he's leaving the house to go to work, he kisses her and he gives her a slap on the behind. And when he comes home from work, do you know what? His wife's behind is still vibrating! And this is not because Danish women have especially large butts, no, no, it is because the work day is so short in Denmark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ixv2/danish_french_and_italian_women/
%
I had always thought becoming sterile through testicular trauma was the same as having a vasectomy

Turns out, there's a vas deferens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ixps/i_had_always_thought_becoming_sterile_through/
%
What’s white and blue and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A fridge in a denim jacket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6iskp/whats_white_and_blue_and_could_kill_you_if_it/
%
Chemistry class has only taught me one thing...

Alcohol is always a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6io4s/chemistry_class_has_only_taught_me_one_thing/
%
Why is it that when the head umpire yells, "Strike!"...

...all the other umpires keep working?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6in19/why_is_it_that_when_the_head_umpire_yells_strike/
%
I walked into the shop and asked "do you have any helicopter flavoured crisps?"

The cashier said "no , we only have plain".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ihvz/i_walked_into_the_shop_and_asked_do_you_have_any/
%
I asked my girlfriend if we could have sex even though she was on her period.

She responded "Yeah, I guess I could pull some strings."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6igdt/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_we_could_have_sex_even/
%
David had his ID stolen yesterday...

So we call him Dav now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6i9v3/david_had_his_id_stolen_yesterday/
%
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

Break his legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6i2xq/how_do_you_turn_a_fruit_into_a_vegetable/
%
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

Because it would be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6hvsn/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches_long/
%
How do you get your girlfriend to scream while having sex?

You call her and tell her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6huxp/how_do_you_get_your_girlfriend_to_scream_while/
%
Quick Question Guys. Is it "for fucks sake" or "for fuck sake"?

It's for a work email so it needs to sound professional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ht7m/quick_question_guys_is_it_for_fucks_sake_or_for/
%
My youngest kid and I like to bully the big one.

That's what we call my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6hsk9/my_youngest_kid_and_i_like_to_bully_the_big_one/
%
I heard there was an awesome sale going on going on in this guy’s basement

But when I got to his house, I couldn’t find the seller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6hpog/i_heard_there_was_an_awesome_sale_going_on_going/
%
My wife told me not to answer the phone during sex

I said “but what if it’s you calling”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6hmxy/my_wife_told_me_not_to_answer_the_phone_during_sex/
%
How does Harry Potter usually get down a hill?

By walking.
JK. Rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6h8l5/how_does_harry_potter_usually_get_down_a_hill/
%
Wanna hear a really funny joke?

Then go to a fucking comedian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6gprz/wanna_hear_a_really_funny_joke/
%
Yes, I cried during sex once.

But my girlfriend and the man she was having sex with eventually noticed me outside the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6gg8i/yes_i_cried_during_sex_once/
%
Bad With Directions

My last girlfriend broke up with me because I was horrible with directions...
So I packed up my belongings and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6gbyf/bad_with_directions/
%
How do atoms decide which one should be put in charge?

By having general electrons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6g2ql/how_do_atoms_decide_which_one_should_be_put_in/
%
Who Is the Greatest Chicken-killer in Shakespeare?

Macbeth, because to be fair he did murder most foul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6fw0v/who_is_the_greatest_chickenkiller_in_shakespeare/
%
I've recently been teaching myself to juggle clocks and watches.

I guess I just have too much time on my hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6fttn/ive_recently_been_teaching_myself_to_juggle/
%
What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A - meano -acid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6fsr0/what_do_you_call_an_acid_with_an_attitude/
%
The watermelon is 50% water.

The other 50% is melon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6fqmn/the_watermelon_is_50_water/
%
I just got fired from my job at the bank

An old lady asked for me to check her balance so I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6fo23/i_just_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_bank/
%
Some kid just threw a bottle of milk and a block of cheese at me.

How dairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6fkot/some_kid_just_threw_a_bottle_of_milk_and_a_block/
%
A Man Walks into a Brothel NSFW

A man walks into a brothel [edit because I can't spell] and inquires to the Madam how much a Blow Job would cost.
She Replies: "$100"
Man: "Good lord that's a lot of money"
Madam: "Yes, but its the best blow job you have ever had in your life".
The man thinks for a bit and reluctantly gives the Madam $100. Immediately, the man pulls out his dick and starts furiously masturbating.
The Madam cries out: "What the fuck do you think you are doing"
Man: "For $100 she isn't getting the easy one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6fbz6/a_man_walks_into_a_brothel_nsfw/
%
neighbor got a job driving a pepsi truck, they fired him the next day.

he tested positive for coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6f1ta/neighbor_got_a_job_driving_a_pepsi_truck_they/
%
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6f1h0/my_girlfriend_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the/
%
What is mutual understanding

Wife: I love you
Husband: How much money do you need?
Husband: I love you
Wife:not now, Children are sleeping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ew6e/what_is_mutual_understanding/
%
My girlfriend told me to give her The D last night

So i left her and now she has depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6erfx/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_give_her_the_d_last_night/
%
What do you call a kid that always tells the truth?

An honest mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6epsx/what_do_you_call_a_kid_that_always_tells_the_truth/
%
I did Judo till i got married.

I wasn't prepared for Marital arts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6enm6/i_did_judo_till_i_got_married/
%
The World ‘Paper Tearing’ Champion has died .....

RIP!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6emt8/the_world_paper_tearing_champion_has_died/
%
Some Catholic priests are doing their final test before becoming ministers.

The final test was to stand naked with a bell on your penis, and then receive a lap dance. The candidates had to prove their vow of celebacy by not getting aroused. They bring in the stripper and she gives each guy a lap dance, and each one does not get aroused. When she gets the the final candidate his bell rings so hard it flies off. Embarrassed, he bends over to pick up his bell...
Then all the other bells ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ecr2/some_catholic_priests_are_doing_their_final_test/
%
I went to a smoke shop only to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store.

Clothes, but no cigar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6e7ao/i_went_to_a_smoke_shop_only_to_discover_that_it/
%
Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus?

A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6e2h0/whats_the_difference_between_a_cactus_and_a/
%
I'm sick of people banging on my door and asking my if I have found Jesus

It wasn't my turn to watch him, and to be frank, if you didn't want to lose him you should have used bigger nails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6e160/im_sick_of_people_banging_on_my_door_and_asking/
%
I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"...

Fucking firemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6dl4n/i_cant_stand_those_interfering_people_who_bang_on/
%
What did the mama buffalo say to the baby buffalo when he went to college?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6dfl1/what_did_the_mama_buffalo_say_to_the_baby_buffalo/
%
Courtesy to my dad

Puns make me numb but maths puns makes me number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6dam0/courtesy_to_my_dad/
%
Why was Osama bin laden kicked out of geometry class?

He kept blowing up the rectangles and pentagons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6d9ih/why_was_osama_bin_laden_kicked_out_of_geometry/
%
What's the difference between an English Major and a Pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6d9d3/whats_the_difference_between_an_english_major_and/
%
Charity

I’m hosting a charity event for men who struggle to ejaculate. Let me know if you can’t come...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6d4qg/charity/
%
I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread.

I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6d2ql/i_prefer_my_sandwiches_to_have_3_slices_of_bread/
%
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

He couldn't control his pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6d1ar/did_you_hear_about_the_crosseyed_teacher/
%
A father and young son are out for a walk...

About a block from their house, the pair spot a pair of stray dogs humping furiously in an empty lot.
"Ewww! Daddy, what are they doing?!?!"
"Um...well, Son. They're making puppies...."
The boy watched the dogs as they passed by, totally confused by what he was seeing.
Later that night, the boy was awakened by noises coming from his parent's bedroom.
The boy snuck over to their room, pushed open the door slowly, and was greeted by the sight of his sweaty father frantically pumping away on top of his moaning mother.
"Daddy! What are you doing!!!!", the boy screamed.
Embarrassed, the father replied, "Damnit, Boy!! Me and your mother are trying to make you a new brother or sister, now go back to bed!!!!"
The boy pondered for a second, "Well, flip her over...I'd actually rather have a puppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6d189/a_father_and_young_son_are_out_for_a_walk/
%
I can watch the girl I like talk all day

Those cameras I bought recently are really good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6czfw/i_can_watch_the_girl_i_like_talk_all_day/
%
An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.
His employees were curious about the contents of the yellow envelope but the old accountant refused to talk about it.
After many years and a successful career, he decided to retire. Choosing a successor from the employees, he showed him the ropes, introduced him to the clients and left him his old desk and computer.
“Sir,” said the successor. “Before you leave, can you give me one more thing? May I have your yellow envelope and its contents?”
The old accountant was silent for a minute but then he shrugged.
“I reckon I have no more use for it. Here, you can have it. Good luck, sonny.”
And left.
The next day, the new senior accountant arrived at the office and went straight to the desk. He took the yellow envelope from the drawer and with trembling fingers opened it and removed the single sheet of paper. He read it and it said:
“Debit is the side closer to the window, credit is the side closer to the plant vase”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6cxph/an_old_accountant_had_a_curious_habit/
%
I bought GTA V today.

I had so much fun robbing stores, stabbing civilians, doing hit and runs and blowing up schools. Then I went home and played GTA V.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6coa6/i_bought_gta_v_today/
%
statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%
birth control pills =99%
My tinder profile = 100%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6cmkd/statistics_of_birth_control_effectiveness/
%
My cat passed away

two months ago but to this day I still   avoid to step over her spot in the kitchen.
Don't you think it's time to bury her?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6cezt/my_cat_passed_away/
%
The only thing flat-earthers fear

Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6cch3/the_only_thing_flatearthers_fear/
%
Why don’t foot fetishists ever win anything?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ccey/why_dont_foot_fetishists_ever_win_anything/
%
A little Irish boy was sitting on the side of the road crying when an man walks by...

...The man says to the boy, "Whats the matter son?"
"My father just passed away," the boy replied.
"Oh lord that is terrible. Would you like me to call Father Fitzpatrick?"
"Oh, no" says the boy, "sex is the last thing I want right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6c460/a_little_irish_boy_was_sitting_on_the_side_of_the/
%
What do you call it when you make asian food in the jungle?

Taking a Wok on the wild side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6c234/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_make_asian_food_in/
%
What do payback and orgasms have in common?

You have it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6bxt8/what_do_payback_and_orgasms_have_in_common/
%
A man walks into a bar

. He pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.
The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?"
The guy says "There's a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he's still there if you hurry."
The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The guy says "Do you really think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6bu1m/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An old joke my cousin told me long ago.

Life is not a garden. Don’t be a ho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6bh60/an_old_joke_my_cousin_told_me_long_ago/
%
One day in Morgantown, West Virginia a teacher asks the kids in her class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Harry is quick:
"I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, buy an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and to make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with the child's bad behavior, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie?" the teacher asks.
"I wanna be Harry's bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6baop/one_day_in_morgantown_west_virginia_a_teacher/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6balx/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
A bear asks his rabbit friend if he ever gets poop stuck in his fur after pooping. Rabbit says no.

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6b8nq/a_bear_asks_his_rabbit_friend_if_he_ever_gets/
%
If a clown farts...

Does it smell funny?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6b8nd/if_a_clown_farts/
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When your girlfriend is asking you for some time and distance, just don't be upset.

She might be calculating velocity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6b6wm/when_your_girlfriend_is_asking_you_for_some_time/
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I farted in a room of hipsters

I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6b6ob/i_farted_in_a_room_of_hipsters/
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My Drug Dealer Sold Me Some Shoes Today..

I don't know what he laced em with, but I've been trippin all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6b5ky/my_drug_dealer_sold_me_some_shoes_today/
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I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat

I'm already on stage four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6b34g/i_dont_get_why_cancer_is_so_hard_to_beat/
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Today my friend told me about a new fetish he saw online called GILFs

I had to tell him it was actually pretty old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6azoc/today_my_friend_told_me_about_a_new_fetish_he_saw/
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The departing division general manager met a last time with his young successor and gave him three envelopes.

"My predecessor did this for me,and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said.  "At the first sign of trouble, open the first envelope.  Any further difficulties, open the second envelope.  Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. Good luck."
The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes into a drawer.
Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
The next day, he held a press conference and did just that.  The crisis passed.
Six months later, sales dropped precipitously.  The beleaguered manager opened the second envelope.  It said, "Reorganise."
He held another press conference, announcing that the division would be restructured.  The crisis passed.
A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was blamed for all of it.  The harried executive closed his office door, sank into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
"Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
\-- source: found on 'fortune'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6ayvi/the_departing_division_general_manager_met_a_last/
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What's a weeb's favorite element on the periodic table?

Manganese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6auju/whats_a_weebs_favorite_element_on_the_periodic/
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Reddit is always so reliable and never crashes.

I wish I could post this somewhere else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6asf0/reddit_is_always_so_reliable_and_never_crashes/
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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6apsi/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_because_she/
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Catholic parrots.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired..
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment. "You
know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
"I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!"
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison,
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6afhg/catholic_parrots/
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Why can't you tell thieves a joke?

They take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6a8th/why_cant_you_tell_thieves_a_joke/
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Two boys play in a stream

Two boys are bored on a hot summer day, so they decide to go down to a local stream to play and cool off. They’re walking down the trail through the woods when they notice there’s somebody in their normal play spot. Curious, the boys sneak closer to the water and hide behind a bush as not to be seen; where they realize it’s a naked woman bathing in the stream. Mesmerized, both boys continue watching for some time, but eventually one of them takes off back down the trail. Confused the other boy chases after him, and when he finally catches up he asks why he took off like that? Slightly worried, the boy replies “my mom always told me if I saw a naked woman I’d turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f69www/two_boys_play_in_a_stream/
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Why does KFC have no toilet paper?

Because it's finger licking good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f69ux6/why_does_kfc_have_no_toilet_paper/
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I wanted to find out more about my anscestors

So I did a little digging and got thrown out the cemetery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f69usp/i_wanted_to_find_out_more_about_my_anscestors/
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My girlfriend never fakes her orgasms

She’s very forthcumming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f69c46/my_girlfriend_never_fakes_her_orgasms/
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s how I roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f697uj/sometimes_i_tuck_my_knees_into_my_chest_and_lean/
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A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6969z/a_wife_asks_her_husband_a_software_engineer/
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Some sucker in a fancy car with blaring sound thought he could do whatever he wanted on the road

He went THROUGH red lights, was speeding up wayy over the limit and weaving through cars. I decided to take justice into my hands and speed to infront of him then drop below the limit.
Fkn ambulances i swear..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6937p/some_sucker_in_a_fancy_car_with_blaring_sound/
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What do you call a salmon wearing a suit and tie?

Sofishticated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f68xf0/what_do_you_call_a_salmon_wearing_a_suit_and_tie/
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My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

I said "maybe".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f68tb0/my_girlfriend_asked_if_i_could_play_wonderwall_on/
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I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law.

My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"
I said no, 6 should be enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f68puv/i_came_across_6_men_beating_up_my_mother_in_law/
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How many Introverts does it take to....

Just one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f68oo4/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to/
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A new lieutenant assigned

A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.
The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier explains sometimes they get lonely since there were no woman there, so they have the camel.
The lieutenant is appalled but being new he just lets it go.
After a few weeks he was feeling very lonely. So he takes the camel into his tent. It takes quite a bit of effort but finally he walks out, bruised and battered, but satisfied.
Wow,” he says to the men, “that camel sure put up a fight! How do you guys do it?”
One of the men responded, "Well usually we just use the camel to ride into town

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f68d95/a_new_lieutenant_assigned/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f67yrm/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from amazon yesterday

I’ll let you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f67xk9/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon/
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What do you call 5 fish cut in half?

Tuna half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f67gkn/what_do_you_call_5_fish_cut_in_half/
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Egyptians always fart before entering a room

They Tutankhamun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6796i/egyptians_always_fart_before_entering_a_room/
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What kind of music do Computer Scientst listen to ?

Algorhythm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f677yf/what_kind_of_music_do_computer_scientst_listen_to/
%
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is MOLASSES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f66x4b/a_mama_mole_a_papa_mole_and_a_baby_mole_all_live/
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A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f66whp/a_woman_has_the_last_word_in_any_argument/
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What do call a Philosophy student overcoming his sex addiction

Putting Descartes before the whores.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f66vhz/what_do_call_a_philosophy_student_overcoming_his/
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You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version
You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?
There is a programmer version for this question:
One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?"
The boy asked, "is it a silent pistol, or other guns without sound?"
"No, it has gunshot."
"How loud is the gunshot?"
"80-100 decibels."
"That is to say, the sound of the gunshot will make your ears ache?"
"Yes."
"Is it illegal to shoot birds in this city?"
"No, it won't break the law."
"Are you sure that bird was really killed? How do you verify that?"
"Sure." the teacher is impatient. "Please, tell me how many are left, OK?"
"OK. Are there any deaf one in the birds?"
"No."
"Is there a bird with mental problems in it, which too stupid to know to fly away when it hear the gunshot?"
"No, they all have an IQ of more than 200!"
"Are there any birds kept in cages?"
"No."
"Are there any other trees by the side and any other birds on the trees?"
"No."
"How about…ten miles around?"
" There are just such a tree! "
"Are there any disabled or hungry birds that can't fly?"
"No, their health and body all in great shape."
"Do we count the birds in the pregnant belly? Can they also be counted as one?"
"They are all male."
"They can't be pregnant?"
"No... It's impossible. "
"Is the shooter dazzling? Is his eyesight good? How does he make sure 'they are ten birds'? "
"He has no dim eyesight or blurred vision. There are only ten birds." the sweat on the teacher's forehead has come down,
After class, the bell rang, but the boy continued to ask, "are there any birds that are too stupid to be afraid of death?"
"No. They all are afraid of death."
"Did some of them choose to stay and ready to die, because his lover was shot?"
"Fool, I said that they were all male!"
"Is homosexuality OK? How do you determine their sexual orientation? "
“... their sexual orientation is hetero! "
"Will he kill two birds with one shot?"
"No."
"kill three birds with one shot?"
"No!"
"How about four?"
"No!!"
"And five?"
"Absolutely not!!!"
...
"Will the bullet have knocked out the tree? If there were no trees, there would be no birds! "
"No. It's just an ordinary pistol which is not so powerful. "
"... Well, are all the birds free to fly? "
"Absolutely yes."
"Will they panic and bump into each other when they take off?"
"No, every bird has installed a satellite navigation system, and it can fly automatically."
"Well, if your reply is not deceiving me…" this student replied confidently, "if the dead bird is hanging on a tree and does not fall from it, there will be one left; if he falls, there will be no one left."
The teacher tried to resist his feeling of fainting, and said with trembling: "you can become a programmer..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f66pn5/you_have_10_birds_in_the_tree_if_one_gets_shot/
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What do you call a blond skeleton in a closet

Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f66062/what_do_you_call_a_blond_skeleton_in_a_closet/
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I really like boiling fruits for hours

That's my jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f65wf4/i_really_like_boiling_fruits_for_hours/
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How do you recycle a condom?

Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f65t6v/how_do_you_recycle_a_condom/
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What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after three ho’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f65nnm/whats_the_difference_between_tiger_woods_and/
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What do you get in your teeth if you eat too much ass?

Anal cavity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f656k9/what_do_you_get_in_your_teeth_if_you_eat_too_much/
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Therapists only want one thing...

And it's fucking discussing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f65258/therapists_only_want_one_thing/
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What's a Jehovah's Witness's favorite snack food?

Ding Dongs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6524t/whats_a_jehovahs_witnesss_favorite_snack_food/
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How much does a Chinese elephant weigh?

Won-ton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f64znl/how_much_does_a_chinese_elephant_weigh/
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A farmer has three daughters and each of them have dates

The farmer, being skeptical of their dates decides to meet them first. If he didn’t like them, he would give them the business end of his shotgun.
The first date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?” The farmer liked him and let him go.
The second date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We are going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?” The farmer liked him and he let him go.
The third date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Chuck “ and the farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f64yvn/a_farmer_has_three_daughters_and_each_of_them/
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Why do men check out women's rear?

Historically, men at sea were trapped and killed by Mermaids who attracted them using their upper body beauty. Soon, the word was spread among all the sailors/pirates and subsequently to the whole world to check out women's rear to save yourself from murderous mermaids.
Thank you for coming to my ShiTED TALKS :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f64xin/why_do_men_check_out_womens_rear/
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My ex-girlfriend got paid under the table for her work filming "creampie" adult videos. So I alerted the IRS.

They nailed her for unreported in-come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f64vaz/my_exgirlfriend_got_paid_under_the_table_for_her/
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A cheese burger walks into a bar

The bartender shouts "Sorry, we don't serve food here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f64ntl/a_cheese_burger_walks_into_a_bar/
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Last night in bed, as I gazed up at the stars, I thought to myself...

Where the fuck is my roof?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f64knr/last_night_in_bed_as_i_gazed_up_at_the_stars_i/
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What is Tolkien’s favorite musician?

Elvish Presley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f64hh2/what_is_tolkiens_favorite_musician/
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Why does a skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?

Because he takes everything with a pinch of salt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f64da7/why_does_a_skeptic_suffer_from_high_blood_pressure/
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The first French fries weren’t made in France.

They were made in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f64bpk/the_first_french_fries_werent_made_in_france/
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f64axo/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbit_walk_into_a_bar/
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I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words....

STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTLE CUNT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f649li/ill_never_forget_my_grandpas_last_words/
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What's the worst thing about having sex with your grandfather?

Accidentally getting your penis crushed by the coffin lid...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f646a5/whats_the_worst_thing_about_having_sex_with_your/
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An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,
"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."
"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.
The Communist then turns to another friend.
"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."
"No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven" says Petya.
"Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day."
"Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace" says Misha.
"Thank you so much guys for being with me throughout all these years" says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon."
His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, gathers his last strength and says.
"And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass."
Just as his friends were about to say something, the old communist took his last breath and died.
So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting:
"Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f643mt/an_old_russian_communist_is_on_his_deathbed/
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Shaun, I can't fucking sleep."

"Well it's your lucky day." I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f63y1o/my_neighbour_knocked_on_my_door_at_2am_this/
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Town mayor recently distributed certificates of achievement to the local scarecrows

They were described as being, “ outstanding in their fields”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f63tn5/town_mayor_recently_distributed_certificates_of/
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What did they call it when Chewbacca crashed the Millennium Falcon for the first time?

A Wookie mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f63ppf/what_did_they_call_it_when_chewbacca_crashed_the/
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Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court, and the judge says, “Mickey, you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s silly...”

And Mickey replies, “I didn’t say she was silly, I said she was fucking Goofy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f63nou/mickey_and_minnie_are_in_divorce_court_and_the/
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My dad told me to get an organ donor card...

He’s a man after my own heart!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f63l2m/my_dad_told_me_to_get_an_organ_donor_card/
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A perfectionist walks into a bar...

...apparently the bar wasn't set high enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f63ki5/a_perfectionist_walks_into_a_bar/
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A homeless man called me ugly yesterday

I told him to get better jokes or go home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f63i9e/a_homeless_man_called_me_ugly_yesterday/
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What do you call a contortionist from the Philippines?

A Manila folder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f63hlp/what_do_you_call_a_contortionist_from_the/
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Guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says :

This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.
The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f63gw8/guy_meets_a_sex_worker_in_a_bar_she_says/
%
Dad: Look, there's a flock of cows!

Kid: 'Herd'.
Dad: What?
Kid: 'Herd' of cows.
Dad: Of course I've heard of cows. There's a whole fuckin' flock of 'em right there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f63fpw/dad_look_theres_a_flock_of_cows/
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They told Beethoven he'd never play or compose music.

But did he listen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f63d89/they_told_beethoven_hed_never_play_or_compose/
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If Michael Jackson were alive today, what would his pronouns be?

Hee/Hee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f635ll/if_michael_jackson_were_alive_today_what_would/
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What thing starts with F and ends in UCK?

Firetruck.
Kid's thought this was fucking hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6335i/what_thing_starts_with_f_and_ends_in_uck/
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My girlfriend kept begging me to go with her to her origami class she had been taking.

I kept resisting until one day, she gave me "that look".
I folded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f62til/my_girlfriend_kept_begging_me_to_go_with_her_to/
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A zoo owner is busy at his desk when 3 of his assistants walk in, a blonde, brunette, and redhead.

The brunette steps forward and says, “Sir, we’ve finished our work on those new exhibits you wanted”. The man gets up from his desk and follows the three out of the room down to the exhibit hall.
First the brunette stops and turns and points at here exhibit. “Ah, you finished the gorilla cage, and it’s already filled with a few choice specimens. Well done!”, said the Man.
They walk down the hall a little further and the redhead points to her exhibit. “Woah, this is a really nice fish tank, I could stand here all day and admire the exotic fish!”, said the Man.
Finally, they walk outside and eventually the blonde stops and says, “here it is”. The zoo owner looks around confused. A small fenced in enclosure with pieces of wood and paper sprawled everywhere with no animals in sight. “What is this? Where are the animals?”, said the man. The blonde says, “This is the clipboard pen you asked for earlier”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f62l73/a_zoo_owner_is_busy_at_his_desk_when_3_of_his/
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A priest is riding on a city bus when...

A priest is riding on a city bus when a drunk gets on and sits next to him.  He obviously hasn't had a bath while on this binge. The drunk starts reading a newspaper, then puts it down and says, " Hey, Father, what do you think causes arthritis?". The priest is quite annoyed with this guy, and sharply says, "no doubt it's from a life of heavy drinking, carousing with women of ill-repute, and a lack of personal hygiene!". The drunk is taken aback, and goes back to his newspaper.  The priest starts feeling bad about how harshly he responded to the drunk, so he apologizes and asks, "so how long have you been suffering from arthritis?". The drunk says, "Oh, I don't have it.  I was just reading here that the Pope has it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f62gq4/a_priest_is_riding_on_a_city_bus_when/
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what do you call someone who molests child molesters?

An apex predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f621og/what_do_you_call_someone_who_molests_child/
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Velcro

What a rip-off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f61ydw/velcro/
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A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The rabbit says "I think I might be a typo".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f61vxs/a_priest_an_imam_and_a_rabbit_walk_into_a_bar/
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A teacher asks the class to name something they are not good at, beginning with the letter O. One student raises his hand and answers...

Spelling
(Stephen Cookson)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f61upl/a_teacher_asks_the_class_to_name_something_they/
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Wife: “Can you give the kids a talk on drugs?”

Husband: “Ok... but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f61ukt/wife_can_you_give_the_kids_a_talk_on_drugs/
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A scout is

Trustworthy
Helpful
Friendly
Courteous
Kind
Obedient
Cheerful
Bankrupt
Brave
Clean
and
Reverent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f61r98/a_scout_is/
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Marriage is like a deck of cards

It starts with Hearts and Diamonds and ends with a Club and a Spade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f61puu/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/
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a Chinese farmer...

a Chinese farmer spent all his money on seeds,  but they didn't germinate--the seeds were fake.
Facing financial ruin, he decided to kill himself and his whole family, so he put rat poison into the family dinner, but they all survived--the rat poison was fake.
To celebrate the family's miraculous survival, he served everybody wine and made a toast. After the drink they all died, from methanol poisoning--the wine was fake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f61nfk/a_chinese_farmer/
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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f61kkm/north_koreans_believe_they_live_in_the_best/
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In the army all Colonels get promoted

That's a Generalization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f61hyg/in_the_army_all_colonels_get_promoted/
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it.

Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f61hra/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
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Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f61ca5/do_you_want_to_know_why_the_republicans_wont/
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(NSFW) Kevin had a 16 inch Dick.

Is dick was so big, he couldn't get any gals.
He went to a doctor, who was looking at the miracle unbelievably.
Doctor: "I..I.." the doctor stuttered, " Medical science cannot cure this."
"But..." the doctor says, "there is a wizard in the deep Lock Nock Lake. Go to him and he'll surely help."
Kevin went to the wizard.
Wizard: "Hmm... I see. There is a magical frog across this lake. Ask him to marry you. If he says no, you're dick will become 3 inches short."
Kevin went across the river, and as he reached the frog, he asked him as elegantly he could, "Will you marry me?"
"No" ,said the magical frog.
shhoop...13 inches.
Kevin asked again, in astonishment this time, "Will you marry me?"
"No",said the magical frog, annoyed this time.
shhoop... 10 inches.
"Once more and I'll be good to go", thought kevin.
Kevin asked again, in excitement this time, "Will you marry me?"
The frog was annoyed beyond the horizon this time.
"How many time do I have to tell you?", said the frog, in frustration this time.
"NO, NO, NO!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f61926/nsfw_kevin_had_a_16_inch_dick/
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Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f618d9/why_do_the_hong_kong_police_wake_up_so_early_in/
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Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.

**Friend:** wow thanks. I'm rich!
**Robin [narrows eyes]:** you’re what???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6143d/robin_hood_hands_over_stolen_fortune_here_you_are/
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What is the loudest word ever spoken?

Quiet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f61302/what_is_the_loudest_word_ever_spoken/
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Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.

It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f60qi1/scientists_have_recently_created_a_new_hybrid_by/
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You ever think glass coffins will become popular?

Remains to be seen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f60ef1/you_ever_think_glass_coffins_will_become_popular/
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A man walks into a bar NSFW

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After nursing his whiskey he notices a horse in the back of the bar. Curious he asks the bar-tender:
"Hey, why the horse in the back of the bar"
"Oh, that horse is Jim. We have a pool going. If anyone can make Jim laugh they can have all the money. It's $100 to try."
The man thinks for a moment, removes $100 from his wallet, places the money on the bar, walks back, and whispers something in Jim's (the horse's) ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically.
The man walks back to the bar, orders another whiskey, shoots it, takes his winnings and leaves.
A few months later this strange man comes back to the bar. Again he orders a drink and again he asks about the horse. The bar tender replies:
"Well, since you were last here we needed a new wager. Same deal only now we are looking for someone that can make Jim cry". Then places his money on the bar and walks back to the horse and moments later returns ; a weeping horse in his wake and inquires to his prize money.
The bartender not letting go so easily asked, "Hold on mister. You have to tell me. how you won both pools"
The man replies: "Last time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f6035w/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_nsfw/
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99 little bugs in the code...

99 bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile it down. 167 little bugs in the code....sigh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5zuqo/99_little_bugs_in_the_code/
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10 shots of Jagermeister.

A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jagermeister. The bartender says wow, that's a lot, you celebrating?
The man says yes! My first blowjob!
The bartender says congrats! Why 10?
The man says "*if that won't get the taste out, nothing will."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5zp3m/10_shots_of_jagermeister/
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How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5zeye/how_many_shrinks_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5zbls/i_was_16_minutes_late_for_my_first_math_lecture_8/
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I told my dog that he was adopted

He hasn't spoken to me since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5z655/i_told_my_dog_that_he_was_adopted/
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If pirates we still a thing they would love reddit.

They could exchange stolen content for gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5z3jm/if_pirates_we_still_a_thing_they_would_love_reddit/
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Two mathematicians are arguing at a restaurant.

"The state of mathematics in this country is terrible", insists the first mathematician. "It's a wonder how the average person even manages to get by in their day-to-day life."
The second mathematician says, "That's hardly true. Mathematics education is actually pretty good nowadays. People must certainly remember the stuff they learned at school. It's not that bad..."
They continue debating for a while until the first mathematician heads to the bathroom for a few minutes.
The second mathematician, determined to prove him wrong, quickly calls a waiter over to their table. He says "When my friend comes back, I'm going to ask you a question. I'd like you to answer with exactly the following words: 'one third x cubed'. Is that alright?"
The waiter agrees and heads off.
A few minutes later, the first mathematician returns to the table and the second mathematician calls the waiter back over to the table.
The second mathematician tells the other, "Your point is completely invalid. Let me show you."
As the waiter walks over, he asks "What's the integral of x\^2?"
The waiter pauses for a few seconds, looks back at the mathematician and replies "one third x cubed".
The first mathematician looks stunned and the second is delighted to have won the debate.
As the waiter walks away from the table, he looks back over his shoulder and says "plus the constant of integration."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5yuvx/two_mathematicians_are_arguing_at_a_restaurant/
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There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand binary, those who don't and those who didn't expect this to be a base 3 joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5yt1o/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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I tripped over my sister's bra

It was a booby trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5yrht/i_tripped_over_my_sisters_bra/
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I like telling Dad jokes.

Sometimes he even laughs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5y92c/i_like_telling_dad_jokes/
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Not having kids

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off by tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5y6qx/not_having_kids/
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A Catholic priest and a Reverend walk by a brothel

The Reverend stops and says: "I'll head inside, just to check on these poor girls, to make sure they haven't strayed too far from the ways of our Lord."
When he gets back out he turns to the priest and says: "Well, it's just better with my wife."
Sure enough the priest heads inside as well and says: "Listen, I will see if they have any confessions to make"
Shortly after he comes back out and says: "You know what, you were right, it is better with your wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5y63d/a_catholic_priest_and_a_reverend_walk_by_a_brothel/
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I got called gay for wearing a Hello Kitty towel today.

To be fair, I was jerking off in a sauna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5xsql/i_got_called_gay_for_wearing_a_hello_kitty_towel/
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A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." ! said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5x92q/a_few_minutes_before_the_services_started_the/
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What happens when you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5x71a/what_happens_when_you_dont_pay_your_exorcist/
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What is it that most women do in their daily lives but is considered a tragedy when Adolf Hitler did?

Remove Polish using chemicals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5wqcz/what_is_it_that_most_women_do_in_their_daily/
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I've built a beautiful house and get complimented on it

But people are always shocked when they find out how crap an electrician I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5wo8j/ive_built_a_beautiful_house_and_get_complimented/
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I saw my wife drunk and shouting at the TV

:  "Don't go in there!  Are you stupid‽  You mustn't set foot in that church!"
She's watching our wedding video again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5wmfl/i_saw_my_wife_drunk_and_shouting_at_the_tv/
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How do you make a farmer's daughter like you?

A tractor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5wmcg/how_do_you_make_a_farmers_daughter_like_you/
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What did the gay deer say after he left the bar?

“Oh man, I can’t believe I blew 50 bucks in there”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5wlhl/what_did_the_gay_deer_say_after_he_left_the_bar/
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Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!"

Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5wk0s/son_this_rubber_ball_is_awesome/
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The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5whpv/the_person_who_invented_autocorrect_walks_into_a/
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What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution?

HDMI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5wfhj/what_did_master_yoda_say_when_he_first_saw/
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Admirals Daughter

She was only the Admiral's daughter, but her naval base was full of discharged seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5vhru/admirals_daughter/
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Kidnap??

I prefer term " Surprise Adoption"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5vh5o/kidnap/
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What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?

A FIZZ-itian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5vgm5/what_kind_of_doctor_is_dr_pepper/
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Some friars decided to open a florist shop...

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair and asked them to close their shop. They refused.
He went back the next day and asked them again. They ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, proving that Hugh, and Hugh alone, can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5vcu5/some_friars_decided_to_open_a_florist_shop/
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A doctor just amputated my right leg and right arm

I guess I'm going to have to do with what's left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5vaeb/a_doctor_just_amputated_my_right_leg_and_right_arm/
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A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, “I’m not serving you! You’re obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they’re about to start something.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5v9cl/a_bra_car_battery_and_some_jumper_cables_walk/
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Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day

Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5v73l/teach_a_man_a_joke_and_he_will_laugh_for_a_day/
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Some crocodiles got together to write parody songs.

It's a pun croc band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5v20c/some_crocodiles_got_together_to_write_parody_songs/
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The voodoo dildo

*A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.*
*So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.*
*“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except a” said the old man, and then he stopped.*
*“Except what?” asked the businessman.*
*“Nothing, nothing,” said the old man.*
*“C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dildo,’” the old man said.*
*“The voodoo dildo?” the businessman asked.*
*The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”*
*The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”*
*He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dildo, the door.”*
*The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dildo, box!”*
*The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.*
*The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”*
*The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.”*
*He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.*
*After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.*
*After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing her.*
*The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5uzcd/the_voodoo_dildo/
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My father owns a bakery and a dairy farm.

It's his bread and butter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5ur7j/my_father_owns_a_bakery_and_a_dairy_farm/
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Why do they call it a chicken coop?

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5ucf2/why_do_they_call_it_a_chicken_coop/
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I’m not a virgin.

(wish I could post this in another subreddit)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5u7vo/im_not_a_virgin/
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What’s something you can say at a gender reveal party and an orgy?

We are here for the sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5u370/whats_something_you_can_say_at_a_gender_reveal/
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My 5 yr old son came up with this - what is the opposite of Kathmandu?

DogLadyDont

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5tw7r/my_5_yr_old_son_came_up_with_this_what_is_the/
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I'm getting a tattoo of an elephant on my ear...

The only reason I'm doing this is so when people ask me "Why do you have a tattoo of an elephant on your ear?" I can say "Don't worry about it. It's ear elephant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5tjuu/im_getting_a_tattoo_of_an_elephant_on_my_ear/
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A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar

The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5t5nv/a_bishop_a_priest_and_a_rabbit_walk_into_a_bar/
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It costs about $2.50 for a pie in the Bahamas. It costs about $3.50 for a pie in Cuba.

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5swrs/it_costs_about_250_for_a_pie_in_the_bahamas_it/
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I lost my virginity to a mentally disabled girl last night.

I wanted my first time to be special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5sv59/i_lost_my_virginity_to_a_mentally_disabled_girl/
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An Irish Republican Army soldier lies on his death bed.

One day, an IRA soldier lies on his death bed, dying of cancer. It's spread too far and couldn't be stopped. The doctor gave him his diagnosis, and only three days to live.
"Quick Moira," he says to his loving wife. "Enroll me as a member of the Ulster Volunteer Force."
"But why?" She exclaims. "You've been a good Catholic your whole life, why would you want to join the Protestants?"
He just rolls over, and ignores the question. But, because she loves him, she sends off his details, and awaits the letter confirming that he has joined the UVF.
Then, just as he is getting to the end of his life, the letter arrives. He has been accepted to the UVF.
With a satisfied sigh, he breathes his last, saying:
"Well that's one more fecking Protestant dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5suy1/an_irish_republican_army_soldier_lies_on_his/
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Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5sup6/four_men_are_in_the_hospital_waiting_room_because/
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The death of an adventurers brother..

An adventuring party hears of the murder of the fighter's brother.
\>Bard: I swear I will have revenge for my brother!
\>Warrior: You have my sword!
\>Ranger: You have my bow!
\> Necromancer: And your brother! \*whacks corpse on the table\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5sq8j/the_death_of_an_adventurers_brother/
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A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician are walking down a hallway...

when they notice with alarm that a fire has broken out in a nearby lab.
The physicist immediately shouts "I know what to do! We must cool down the mate­ri­als until their tem­per­a­ture is lower than the igni­tion tem­per­a­ture and then the fire will go out."
The chemist then cries "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the sup­ply of oxy­gen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
The statistician looks around, thinks for a minute, then sets the rest of the building on fire.
The physicist and the chemist look on in horror and yell, "what are you doing?!"
The statistician replies "getting a bigger sample size".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5smm6/a_physicist_a_chemist_and_a_statistician_are/
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This next bit pretty much sums it up

It + up = Itup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5sd3c/this_next_bit_pretty_much_sums_it_up/
%
My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.
Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.
8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock
Me: Who's there
8yo: The chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5sb6p/my_8_year_old_cousin_why_did_the_chicken_cross/
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A man finds a genie lamp...

He rubs it and out pops a genie!
“I will grant you 3 wishes.”
“I wish for no more lawyers!”
“Granted! You have no more wishes.”
“Hey! You said I 3 wishes!”
“Sue me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5s79f/a_man_finds_a_genie_lamp/
%
A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy Asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man Matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."
"Cool" says the boy... He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then, who are these for?
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then, who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men like me. One for January, one for February, one for March....up to December"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5s592/a_man_walks_into_a_drug_store_with_his_10year_old/
%
I will post later

I am in hospital, cause my cousin brother swallowed a 128 GB SD card and he is singing all the songs in it I hope he doesn't reach the videos folder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5s4d0/i_will_post_later/
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If big hands and big feet are an indication of size and the size of the car indicates how much someone is compensating...

... it's no wonder people are terrified of clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5s1wo/if_big_hands_and_big_feet_are_an_indication_of/
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Bernie Sanders, Bill Clinton and Jeffrey Epstein walk into a bar

Hillary Clinton: "This is the worst game of fuck, marry, kill I've ever played."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5s0uh/bernie_sanders_bill_clinton_and_jeffrey_epstein/
%
What does bread do after it's done baking?

Loaf around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5rxns/what_does_bread_do_after_its_done_baking/
%
A snake walked into a bar

The bartender says, "Hey, how did you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5rxd8/a_snake_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Clothes are like Billie Eilish songs

I was really surprised when I found out that a kid made them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5rtuz/clothes_are_like_billie_eilish_songs/
%
What's the difference between me and a door that doesn't work?

Nothing. We're both broke and don't open up to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5rlhw/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_door_that/
%
Who is Mexico's richest man?

Jeff Pesos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5rd0b/who_is_mexicos_richest_man/
%
A duck walks into an optician's shop

He says, "I'd like those sunglasses please". The clerk asks, "How would you like to pay for them?" The duck replies,
"Just put them on my bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5rahz/a_duck_walks_into_an_opticians_shop/
%
What do you call a slow bullet ?

A slug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5r517/what_do_you_call_a_slow_bullet/
%
Every day after waking up, I find that someone dumped a bunch of LEGOs on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5r1t1/every_day_after_waking_up_i_find_that_someone/
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Humans advanced to the point of space domination and could create clones of themselves.

Two friends, Dill and Jeuk decided to play space tag. Dill was 'it'.
Jeuk had a clever trick up his sleeve. He created 50 clones of himself and hid them in the galaxy, while he himself hid in a cluster of comets.
After a lot of looking, Dill found the first clone in a nearby star system. As soon as he tagged the clone, it disappeared.
"Strange!" he thought to himself.
The second one was found, after a long search, on a dwarf planet. It finally dawned on him that Jeuk had cheated, so he asked the other space tourists if they had seen Jeuk. Nobody had seen him.
Finally he comes across the spaceship of the Galactic Police. He asks them where the actual Jeuk was while holding up Jeuk's photograph.
"I've seen him," says the cop, "but you won't find him here."
"Then where is the real Jeuk?"
"The real Jeuk is in the comets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5qzvp/humans_advanced_to_the_point_of_space_domination/
%
What's better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5qy5i/whats_better_than_eating_a_mandarin/
%
Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!"
The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms."
The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5qvuf/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call someone whos not fully british?

Brit...ish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5qvec/what_do_you_call_someone_whos_not_fully_british/
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A lot of people say “Put your money where your mouth is”.

What if I want to put my mouth where my money is; between strawberry scented stripper tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5qv60/a_lot_of_people_say_put_your_money_where_your/
%
On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly  shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”
Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5qfr9/on_a_plane_is_full_of_redditors_a_man_starts/
%
My friend told me he put a potato down his swim trunks and now the girls won't leave him alone

Didn't work for me.  Apparently, you need to put it in the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5q5ti/my_friend_told_me_he_put_a_potato_down_his_swim/
%
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He  had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."  Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years  old having sex will surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured  out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to  ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing  too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."  She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned  ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5ppte/on_hearing_that_her_elderly_grandfather_has_just/
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My Doctor thinks I'm taking hallucinogenic drugs

How do I know? Well let's just say a little bird told me.
(Joke credit goes to Stewart Francis)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5pmfs/my_doctor_thinks_im_taking_hallucinogenic_drugs/
%
Programmers hate roman numerals.

But I can't zero in on why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5pgds/programmers_hate_roman_numerals/
%
If you're a Doctor, an Undertaker and a Contract Killer...

...you're gonna get paid anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5pcl6/if_youre_a_doctor_an_undertaker_and_a_contract/
%
There's been talks saying the Egyptians invented cement...

Historians have looked in the ruins for evidence but there's nothing concrete

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5p95e/theres_been_talks_saying_the_egyptians_invented/
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A lawyer is dieing in hospital and his family visits him...

...and find him sitting in bed, reading the Bible.
"Ah" said his daughter "You're getting spiritual comfort"
"No", said the lawyer, "I'm looking for loopholes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5p85j/a_lawyer_is_dieing_in_hospital_and_his_family/
%
What do people that masturbate on mount Everest and terrorists on a plane have in common?

They are all hijacking.
I'm sorry and I will let myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5p388/what_do_people_that_masturbate_on_mount_everest/
%
Why did Mark Knopfler enter the gay porn industry?

Cos he could get his money for nuttin' and his dicks for free!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5oy3i/why_did_mark_knopfler_enter_the_gay_porn_industry/
%
I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5ow5t/i_named_my_dog_5_miles_so_i_could_say_i_walked_5/
%
How does a mermaid wash its tail

It uses tide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5oro9/how_does_a_mermaid_wash_its_tail/
%
Having gay parents must be horrible.

I mean you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck into an infinite loop of "Go ask your mum".
Credit for this joke goes to u/Selfish_Tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5opue/having_gay_parents_must_be_horrible/
%
Who are the most optimistic people in the world?

The Jews, they don't know how much it's gonna grow but they still cut it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5ojpc/who_are_the_most_optimistic_people_in_the_world/
%
3 chemists walk into a bar after having shared a banana.

The first chemist said, "I'll have H2O".
The second chemist said "I'll have H2O, too".
The third chemist was confused, and said " I'll have HO, too".
The first one was OK, the second one died, and the third one was OK2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5o4ry/3_chemists_walk_into_a_bar_after_having_shared_a/
%
A Guy and an Ostrich Walk into a Bar

The guy tells the bartender: "I'll have a whisky." The ostrich says: "I'll have the same."
The bartender gives them their drinks, and when they finish, tells them: "That'll be 7.46$."
The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out 7 dollars and 46 cents exactly, without even having paused to feel which coin is which. The bartender is surprised and takes the money.
The next day the guy and the ostrich return to the bar. The guy tells the bartender: "I'll have a cola." The ostrich says: "I'll have the same."
The bartender gives them their drinks, and when they finish, tells them: "That'll be 4.98$."
The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out 4 dollars and 98 cents exactly, without even having paused to feel which coin is which. The bartender is surprised again and takes the money.
The next day the guy and the ostrich returm to the var. The bartender stops them, and says: "Look, before you order, can you just tell me how you keep pulling the exact amount of money you need each time?"
The guy answers him: "Well, I rubbed a lamp once and a genie came out. My first wish was to always be able to pull out exactly the amount of moneyI need at any moment. The third was, classically, to free the genie."
The bartender then asks: "And what was the second wish?"
The guy answers: "I wished for a tall chick who likes the same things I like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5o4hr/a_guy_and_an_ostrich_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How did the roman empire fall?

It had a Ceasure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5o3c4/how_did_the_roman_empire_fall/
%
I fractured my kneecap please send me jokes

Right now my humor is as broken as my ability to stand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5nyyr/i_fractured_my_kneecap_please_send_me_jokes/
%
Whats the difference between me and eggs.

Eggs get laid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5nvw4/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_eggs/
%
What does the Catholic Church and Hollywood have in common?

They both have a sense of moral superiority while their elites are sex offenders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5nnbx/what_does_the_catholic_church_and_hollywood_have/
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My Mom said I should marry the first person I had sex with [nsfw]

I said "Mom, nobody wants to marry their Boy Scout Troop Leader"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5nhyc/my_mom_said_i_should_marry_the_first_person_i_had/
%
I was about to walk into a bar when, suddenly, a blonde, a chicken, and a Rabbi pounced.

Looks like the joke's on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5nfht/i_was_about_to_walk_into_a_bar_when_suddenly_a/
%
Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing

. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, "There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5nepd/ole_and_sven_grabbed_their_poles_and_headed_out/
%
I put all my hard disks in an enclosure in my car...

...and connected the enclosure to the house wifi. It's now my nascar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5nenc/i_put_all_my_hard_disks_in_an_enclosure_in_my_car/
%
A man found a genie lamp

When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules.
Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love.
Man: I wish to not die a virgin
Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5naik/a_man_found_a_genie_lamp/
%
I heard that Fairy Tale merchandise is on sale!

Now, that's what I call fair retail!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5n52e/i_heard_that_fairy_tale_merchandise_is_on_sale/
%
An old man lay on his death bed upstairs when he caught a wiff

An old man lay dying in bed upstairs in his room when he thought he caught a wiff of his wife's chocolate chip cookies wafting through the air.
Man, he thought to himself, if I could have just one more of my wife's cookies I could die a happy man.
As he lay there thinking about the singular joy of those delightful cookies his wife had been making him so many years he became certain that she was in fact making a fresh batch.  He also became certain, no he resolved himself, that he would not die until he had another cookie.
He couldn't call out as he'd been without voice for some time.  He figured it was useless to hope anyone would just bring a dying man a cookie.  So he decided that he would marshall all of what little strength he had left and he would go downstairs and get one.  He knew that this effort would be his last but that having one last cookie before he went would be one of the happiest moments in his life.
With a Herculean effort the old man slid his feet out of the bed and to the floor.  His legs didn't quite have the strength to carry him and he slid all the way to the floor.  He rested a minute and then he turned over onto his stomach an crawled like an infant out of his room over to the stairs.
The stairs presented the old man a special challenge: he couldn't crawl down them as his arms were not strong enough to do so.  So with great effort he got to his feet and leaned up against the rail and started making his way down.
He almost gave up but halfway down the stairs the smell of the scrumptious chocolate chip cookies was so strong he knew that he just couldn't quit.
After about an hour he made it safely to the bottom of the stairs, a mere ten feet from the kitchen where his heavenly cookies awaited him.
The old man crawled the last ten feet.  He could see stacks and stacks of sweet delicious cookies on the kitchen table.  He had almost no strength left at all and he could feel the wind of death at his back.  It was now or never.
With great effort he pulled his chest up onto the seat of the chair.  He couldn't get any higher.  But he reached out his left arm, an arm shaking side to side, up and down on it's ascent to the table top.  For a second it didn't look like he'd even be able to grab a cookie but somehow he managed.
As he brought that glorious cookie down off that table and towards his dying lips the old man's wife appeared and snatched the cookie right out of his hand saying "You stay out of these, these cookies are for the funeral".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5mznr/an_old_man_lay_on_his_death_bed_upstairs_when_he/
%
Sometimes I get really jealous of my gay friend's sex life.

I guess I'll just live bicuriously through him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5mxbr/sometimes_i_get_really_jealous_of_my_gay_friends/
%
Roses are red,

Grass is greener,
When I'm with you,
I play with my wiener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5mkl5/roses_are_red/
%
What do you call two ghosts dressed up as bees for Halloween???

Boobees....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5m9ne/what_do_you_call_two_ghosts_dressed_up_as_bees/
%
Agnes married and had 13 children.

When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.   Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children.   Alas, she finally died.  Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.   He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"   The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5m6jq/agnes_married_and_had_13_children/
%
A drill sergeant is yelling at private.

“Son, I bet you can’t wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!”
The private emphatically replies, “No sir! Once I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in line again. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5m5rn/a_drill_sergeant_is_yelling_at_private/
%
Once my dad kicked the bucket, our family wasn't able to financially support ourselves anymore.

Turns out treating a broken toe costs a lot of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5m0mt/once_my_dad_kicked_the_bucket_our_family_wasnt/
%
New California Department

To save money California is combining the Dept of Fish and Wildlife and the Highway Patrol. The new department is called the Department of Fish and Chips.
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5ly0c/new_california_department/
%
In college I became obsessed with the concept of a doppelgänger

I began a quest to find mine. After a year and half of tracking down leads, I uncovered his phone number.  I immediately called him but the line was busy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5lx9f/in_college_i_became_obsessed_with_the_concept_of/
%
Last year In Africa, I made friends with a Mosquito. He told me a really good joke

I thought it was Malarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5lw1s/last_year_in_africa_i_made_friends_with_a/
%
Why did the exterminator go to the Pothead's house?

Because there were roaches everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5luov/why_did_the_exterminator_go_to_the_potheads_house/
%
Grandpa takes grandson to a picnic

They sit down under a tree and grandpa pulls out a cigarette
Grandson asks "can I have a cigarette? "
Grandpa answers " can your dick reach your asshole?"
Grandson "no"
Grandpa " then you're not old enough to smoke"
Few minutes later grandpa pulls out a beer
Grandson "can I have a beer?"
Grandpa "can your dick reach your asshole"
Grandson "no"
Grandpa "well then you're not old enough to have a beer"
Grandson frustrated takes cookies out of his picnic basket
Grandpa asks "Can I have a cookie?"
Granson "can your dick reach your asshole?"
Grandpa "why yes! It sure does!"
Grandson "well then go fuck yourself cause those are my cookies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5lqw8/grandpa_takes_grandson_to_a_picnic/
%
If the Stork is the bird that brings babies, what is the bird that prevents babies?

The Swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5llsd/if_the_stork_is_the_bird_that_brings_babies_what/
%
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Half way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5liaf/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
Wife was interrogated for husband's death

"How did your husband die?"
"Food poisoning ".
"What are those wounds on body"
"He was refusing to eat".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5lbf1/wife_was_interrogated_for_husbands_death/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

Ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5kznz/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
Life is like a dick

Sometimes it’s up, sometimes it’s down, but it’s not hard forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5ky7r/life_is_like_a_dick/
%
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5krwz/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
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A Redneck Wedding

Some time ago when I was hitchhiking through the deep South, a fella who gave me a ride invited me to a redneck wedding. Now this was a proper wedding, two days of tractor pulls, shooting shit and falling down drunk off moonshine, before we were finally assembled in the chapel for the big ceremony on the third day.
So we're all standing around, sweating our balls off waiting for the damned wedding to happen when the groom rushes down the aisle, stands up at the front like he's about to make a big announcement.
But before he can say anything, his pa shouts out, "son, what the hell is goin' on? Where's your damn bride?"
"Pa! I'm callin' off the weddin'."
"Whaaaaaaat?" Came his pa's angry reply.
The son is trembling at this point, but manages to say "I'm sorry Pa, but I gotta! I found out she were a virgin."
His pa is silent for a moment while he considers this. Then with an enormous sigh he says, "quite right son, quite right. If she weren't good enough for her own family, she weren't good enough for ours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5kchp/a_redneck_wedding/
%
What’s the number one use of leather in the world?

Holding cows together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5k6n4/whats_the_number_one_use_of_leather_in_the_world/
%
I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist

They said it wasn’t fair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5k5iz/i_told_my_kids_i_was_gonna_take_them_to_that/
%
Marriage counselor: so tell me what you and your wife have in common...

Husband: well, neither of us suck dick..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5jrhq/marriage_counselor_so_tell_me_what_you_and_your/
%
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes

Sometimes he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5jmoc/i_really_enjoy_telling_dad_jokes/
%
Whats green and smells like pork?

Kermits finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5jjq4/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
%
SUPERMAN: my nemesis is a billionaire who uses his riches to pursue his personal vendettas instead of helping people on a global scale.

**BATMAN:** *[shifts uncomfortably in his chair]*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5jioe/superman_my_nemesis_is_a_billionaire_who_uses_his/
%
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I’ve never had a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5jgvv/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
What kind of fish lets you borrow money?

A loan shark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5jfzw/what_kind_of_fish_lets_you_borrow_money/
%
Tennis players yell so loud when they hit.

I mean, really. What’s with all the racquet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5j760/tennis_players_yell_so_loud_when_they_hit/
%
What’s a Nazi’s favorite carnival game?

Whack-a-Pole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5j60q/whats_a_nazis_favorite_carnival_game/
%
I recently bought a corset with a dollar-bill print on it.

I think everyone else likes it as much as I do, because whenever I show them a picture of me wearing it they say 'what a waist of money!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5j3im/i_recently_bought_a_corset_with_a_dollarbill/
%
A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final.

Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
His answer to the question: "What chair?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5iq3k/a_philosophy_professor_walks_in_to_give_his_class/
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An old Jew on his deathbed

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."
He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."
And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.
So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5ili9/an_old_jew_on_his_deathbed/
%
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?

Please move, I need to get bayou.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5il5o/what_did_the_alligator_say_to_the_other_alligator/
%
A group of puzzles walked into a bar

And couldn’t piece together the rest of the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5ige2/a_group_of_puzzles_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Kids These Days Can't Take Care of Presents

I got my kid one of those 'Fortnite' things everyone's been raving about, it only lasted two weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5hzsj/kids_these_days_cant_take_care_of_presents/
%
Did you hear about that new threesome adult film starring a physicist?

It's called, "The Double-slit Experiment".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5hwsv/did_you_hear_about_that_new_threesome_adult_film/
%
Whats the difference between a novelist and a pornstar?

A novelist puts colons in their work while pornstars put their work in their colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5hvwb/whats_the_difference_between_a_novelist_and_a/
%
Did you hear about the new shoes for lesbians?

Yeah. They are called Dikes. They come with an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5htox/did_you_hear_about_the_new_shoes_for_lesbians/
%
What do you call a dom that has an army kink?

a tank top

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5hsso/what_do_you_call_a_dom_that_has_an_army_kink/
%
What's the least likely profession for a trans person?

Mail man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5hmh2/whats_the_least_likely_profession_for_a_trans/
%
Do you know what it feels like to lose an electron?

You tell me, Ion know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5hki0/do_you_know_what_it_feels_like_to_lose_an_electron/
%
Guy's wife is pissed he's leaving his fortune to a hot 20-year-old waitress.

Wife says, "I can't believe you've been banging this woman! How could you?!"
He snaps back, "I haven't been!"
She says, "Then why the fuck are you leaving her all this money?!"
He replies, "Because then maybe I can!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5hide/guys_wife_is_pissed_hes_leaving_his_fortune_to_a/
%
What do you call a horse that's fallen of a bridge?

Dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5hean/what_do_you_call_a_horse_thats_fallen_of_a_bridge/
%
Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

..when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5h1wy/yesterday_i_donated_my_phone_and_wallet_to_a_poor/
%
Bernie Sanders: "If you are a student in debt...

...You are not a loan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5h0oc/bernie_sanders_if_you_are_a_student_in_debt/
%
Why do Canadians not play club penguin

Because they club seals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5gxnu/why_do_canadians_not_play_club_penguin/
%
So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5gpp4/so_i_mentioned_how_my_crush_wanted_me_to_give_up/
%
Saw a book on how to resolve 50% of your problems

I bought two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5g9mj/saw_a_book_on_how_to_resolve_50_of_your_problems/
%
What do you call a knife that does heroin?

A sharp shooter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5g0dc/what_do_you_call_a_knife_that_does_heroin/
%
A wizard's company went bankrupt...

He had to let his staff go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5flx9/a_wizards_company_went_bankrupt/
%
What’s a cannibals favourite game?

Swallow the Leader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5fd6w/whats_a_cannibals_favourite_game/
%
What do you call an ICT teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5fc8a/what_do_you_call_an_ict_teacher_who_touches_his/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5fbnm/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
The start of my opiate addiction...

...was surprisingly painless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5f5k9/the_start_of_my_opiate_addiction/
%
Which US President was most popular among Spanish porn stars?

L.B.J.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5evb7/which_us_president_was_most_popular_among_spanish/
%
What part of a pizza and a woman do you not eat?

The crust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5er6u/what_part_of_a_pizza_and_a_woman_do_you_not_eat/
%
Is buttcheeks one word...

Or should I spread them apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5eoqo/is_buttcheeks_one_word/
%
What’s 3 words for small

Is it in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5eoeu/whats_3_words_for_small/
%
I was watching a terrible porn the other day. It was some lonely fat guy, sitting on a sofa naked, masturbating and crying

Then I realised I hadn’t switched the TV on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5ekk5/i_was_watching_a_terrible_porn_the_other_day_it/
%
Everyday at breakfast, I announce that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It was my longest running joke of the year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5ecmi/everyday_at_breakfast_i_announce_that_im_going/
%
Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5ebtl/some_people_really_like_orions_belt/
%
Not wearing glasses anymore

I’ve seen enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5e3xs/not_wearing_glasses_anymore/
%
I have a very mild form of Coronavirus.

Heinekenvirus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5dyc4/i_have_a_very_mild_form_of_coronavirus/
%
What's the best way to kill communists?

Communism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5dy9s/whats_the_best_way_to_kill_communists/
%
I hurt my back in Egypt

It got so bad, I had to see a Cairo-practor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5dphd/i_hurt_my_back_in_egypt/
%
Whats a reverse exorcism?

When the devil tells the priest to exit the child's body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5dopm/whats_a_reverse_exorcism/
%
What starts with 10 legs but end with 8?

One Direction.
Ill see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5djz0/what_starts_with_10_legs_but_end_with_8/
%
What are some famous stereotypes around the world?

5.1 and 7.1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5cwfn/what_are_some_famous_stereotypes_around_the_world/
%
Three microbes on a woman

The tooth microbe, the ear microbe and the vaginal microbe
They are having a conversation:
Tooth microbe: It sucks being me, every morning and night, some hairy tool comes covered in toxic paste and tries to kill me
Ear Microbe: Something similar happens to me, there is this long blue stick with a hairy white head that always tries to pull me out of the ear
Vaginal microbe: These are nothing. Almost every night, a big meaty stick comes and can't decide if it wants to stay inside or out, so it goes back and forth repeatedly and ends up getting dizzy and vomiting
Tooth microbe: Hey! I think I know that asshole!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5copp/three_microbes_on_a_woman/
%
Jedis make amazing IT Professionals

They can force quit anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5co1d/jedis_make_amazing_it_professionals/
%
How do therapists and plumbers have essentially the same job?

They have to deal with peoples shit daily to get their checks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5cnrm/how_do_therapists_and_plumbers_have_essentially/
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Buddhism is opposed to our always-on, technologically driven lives.

It’s not the emails that are the problem. It’s the attachments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5c87j/buddhism_is_opposed_to_our_alwayson/
%
What did the maxipad say to the fart?

“You are the wind beneath my wings”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5bymb/what_did_the_maxipad_say_to_the_fart/
%
Don't bother asking God the same question over and over.

God hates faqs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5buf6/dont_bother_asking_god_the_same_question_over_and/
%
I never thought my baby daughter would go this far

Well, the catapult's fantastic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5bt7l/i_never_thought_my_baby_daughter_would_go_this_far/
%
Whats Jar Jar Bink's favorite food?

Miso Soup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5bsce/whats_jar_jar_binks_favorite_food/
%
I walked into the doctor's office the other day.

He told me to sit down; I obliged.
He then told me to pick a star sign, any star sign, which was slightly weird but I obliged.
"Capricorn!" I exclaimed until he quickly responded with:
"Nah you have cancer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5bqs2/i_walked_into_the_doctors_office_the_other_day/
%
What do you get when you mix a potato with a penis?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5bpda/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_potato_with_a_penis/
%
If you were to contract Coronavirus...

Do you prefer it with or without lyme disease?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5bn6j/if_you_were_to_contract_coronavirus/
%
I was talking to a landscaper about his work the other day.

He told me: “Most of my work involves painting people’s lawns a different color. It’s some kind of new trend. I, personally, don’t get the appeal of having a pink lawn. Doesn’t make sense to me. But, I dye grass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5bmm0/i_was_talking_to_a_landscaper_about_his_work_the/
%
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They're both stuck-up cunts.
_(Not my joke.)_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5bdpt/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
What's the difference between Google Chrome and Manchester City.

Chrome has history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5bc5e/whats_the_difference_between_google_chrome_and/
%
Four words you never want to hear.

"Hi. I'm Chris Hansen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5b4lq/four_words_you_never_want_to_hear/
%
I went to high school with Sybil, the multiple personality disorder woman

She was good people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5b2co/i_went_to_high_school_with_sybil_the_multiple/
%
World Taekwondo Federation has changed its name over negative connotations

WTF?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5az66/world_taekwondo_federation_has_changed_its_name/
%
Three interesting things happened today ...

First, this guy tells me he's going to vote for Donald Trump in 2020.
Next, two minutes later, he gets hit by a bus.
Then, Trailways fired me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5aybr/three_interesting_things_happened_today/
%
Kids should not run with scissors.

And lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5arn8/kids_should_not_run_with_scissors/
%
My lesbian neighbor bought me a Rolex for my birthday

I don’t think she knew what I meant when I said “I wanna watch”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5apd3/my_lesbian_neighbor_bought_me_a_rolex_for_my/
%
Michael Bloomberg will not pick Hillary Clinton as his VP

He's not ready to commit suicide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5akkk/michael_bloomberg_will_not_pick_hillary_clinton/
%
The Democratic nominee walks into a bar

because Donald Trump set it so low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5afin/the_democratic_nominee_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call it when the Joker walks into a room?

Walk-in Phoenix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5acpm/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_joker_walks_into_a/
%
I was named after my dad

Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5acje/i_was_named_after_my_dad/
%
A man stopped me in the street yesterday

And asked "what grooming products do you use?"
"Haribo's and Facebook works every time" I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5aae6/a_man_stopped_me_in_the_street_yesterday/
%
I put all my watches together to make a belt

It was a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5a7qp/i_put_all_my_watches_together_to_make_a_belt/
%
Whats difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist.

A gynecologist looks up your bush while a genealogist looks up your whole family tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f59yzp/whats_difference_between_a_gynecologist_and_a/
%
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.

They haven’t done anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f59vlp/people_shouldnt_look_down_on_lazy_people/
%
Why can't orphans go on field trips?

Parent Signature:_______________

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f59udx/why_cant_orphans_go_on_field_trips/
%
What do you call 15 minute sex?

A quarter pounder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f59o83/what_do_you_call_15_minute_sex/
%
A kids mom is starting to get old

The kid asks his mom: Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?
The mom answers: For every dumb thing you do one of my hairs turn white.
The kid than says: Ohhhhhhhh, so that’s why grandmas hair is so white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f59nvy/a_kids_mom_is_starting_to_get_old/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

°***gagging sound***°

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f59ns2/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die.

A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I  walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she  was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f59bzg/during_a_discussion_at_sunday_school_a_nun_asks/
%
A man discovers his wife cheating on him

So he goes to a gun store and after telling the story he asks the owner for a rifle and two bullets. The owner asks him why two bullets and he replies "one is for her lying mouth and one is for his dick."
One hour later he is back and places a single bullet on the table. The owner asks him what happened. He says "well, I went back home to shoot my wife first, however I find them together and... Well, let's just say I only needed one bullet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f59ame/a_man_discovers_his_wife_cheating_on_him/
%
What do you call a peaceful cockroach?

Buda-pest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f596hc/what_do_you_call_a_peaceful_cockroach/
%
[NSFW] A little boy crawls under the covers while his parents are asleep

The dad wakes up and notices the boy is staring in between the mothers legs.
"What's that dad?" Asks the boy inquisitively.
"It's a pussy and a cunt" replies the dad.
"Can I touch it?" Asks the boy
"NO!" Shouts the dad. "If you touch the pussy the cunt will wake up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f592cb/nsfw_a_little_boy_crawls_under_the_covers_while/
%
Keep your receipt

Two old guys are sitting on a park bench. The first guy says “I got this new hearing aid. It’s amazing!  It’s top of the line and I can finally hear my grandkids playing! ”
The second guy says “What kind is it?”
First guy looks at his watch:  “About two thirty .”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f58xj4/keep_your_receipt/
%
What does the coronavirus and fight club have in common?

In China, the first rule is not to talk about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f58xh3/what_does_the_coronavirus_and_fight_club_have_in/
%
Anagram lovers are more likely to get corona if

* exposed to a corona infected person
* they have weak immune system
* asked to spell racoon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f58tf3/anagram_lovers_are_more_likely_to_get_corona_if/
%
I'm always waking up feeling like I'm in some stranger's room.

I never should have bought that false memory mattress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f58paq/im_always_waking_up_feeling_like_im_in_some/
%
The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f58j4z/the_biggest_knight_at_king_arthurs_round_table/
%
Three Mexican men are walking through a desert...

They are all hungry and haven't ate in days, in the distance they spot a tree that appears to have bacon growing from it, they slowly approach it not believing their eyes, all of a sudden the tree stands up and starts chasing and throwing things at them, one of the men shouts to the others "run!! its not a bacon tree, it's a hambush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f58i3h/three_mexican_men_are_walking_through_a_desert/
%
I had to unplug my carbon monoxide alarm

The constant beeping was exhausting and giving me a headache

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f58e12/i_had_to_unplug_my_carbon_monoxide_alarm/
%
How many conservation officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Change?! What do you mean, "change"?
(Credit Grand Designs)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f58arf/how_many_conservation_officers_does_it_take_to/
%
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common ?

Very little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f58a2v/what_do_a_midget_and_a_dwarf_have_in_common/
%
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

"Because…He’s my newt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5831y/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_newt_on_his/
%
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f582vy/i_got_my_best_friend_a_fridge_for_her_birthday/
%
A man goes to his boss and says, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off.”
When the man returned to work the next day, his boss came to his desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy Or a girl?”
“Not sure,” said the man, “but I’ll let you know in about 9 months.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f581b4/a_man_goes_to_his_boss_and_says_i_need_to_leave/
%
“Doc....Will I be OK?”

“I’m not sure. Mercury is in Uranus right now.”
“C’mon Doc. You know I don’t do that astrology stuff.”
“Neither do I...but my thermometer broke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f57yqy/docwill_i_be_ok/
%
A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret Store to purchase a negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea, it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refunded for myself.
‘ She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose and another, then another…..
The husband says, ‘Good Grief! “You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f57q0a/a_husband_walks_into_victorias_secret_store_to/
%
What do you call an Italian priest?

A pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f57nh9/what_do_you_call_an_italian_priest/
%
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f57m14/4_beer_company_ceos_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I swear people get 10 times cuter when they talk about what they're passionate about.

Unless it's Hitler.
Then it's only nein times cuter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f57dhz/i_swear_people_get_10_times_cuter_when_they_talk/
%
I left my girlfriend when I saw her trying to pop holes in one of my condoms with a needle.

I wouldn't have minded so much if I hadn't been wearing it at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f57c79/i_left_my_girlfriend_when_i_saw_her_trying_to_pop/
%
Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f57589/randomly_came_up_with_this_joke_laying_in_bed_one/
%
"I started dating a girl from another nation"

"Oh really? Which one?
" Imagination"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f56vda/i_started_dating_a_girl_from_another_nation/
%
I've driven a few cars using nothing but my butthole, but they all ended up the same way.

Rectum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f56kqw/ive_driven_a_few_cars_using_nothing_but_my/
%
Why is fruit squash banned in Germany?

They have a bad history with concentrated juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f56hzo/why_is_fruit_squash_banned_in_germany/
%
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things....
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f56hyd/a_blind_man_enters_a_ladies_bar_by_mistake/
%
What do you call a condom inside a condom inside a condom

Contraception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f56h9p/what_do_you_call_a_condom_inside_a_condom_inside/
%
I didn’t want any kid so i got myself a vasectomy

when i returned home, the kids were still there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f56c0c/i_didnt_want_any_kid_so_i_got_myself_a_vasectomy/
%
Dracula walks into a bar.

Dracula walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender for some hot water. The bartender obliges and asks if he would like anything else to drink. Dracula says "No, thanks". He then pulls out a used tampon and dips it in his hot water. "I'm having tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f567jt/dracula_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If I had to smell like two things for the rest of my life, I'd pick lavender and citrus.

But that's just my two scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f564tv/if_i_had_to_smell_like_two_things_for_the_rest_of/
%
What do you call a midget transgender who's having sex ?

MicroTransAction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f55rz8/what_do_you_call_a_midget_transgender_whos_having/
%
I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.
Now I'm a bee-leaver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f55lva/ive_been_a_beekeeper_for_years_and_when_my_crush/
%
What’s the difference between USA and Middle Earth?

Two Towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f55len/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_middle_earth/
%
A ham sandwich walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f554w7/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it was important for the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f550s8/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
What do you call a sugar daddy that’s just a friend?

A PayPal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f54tqd/what_do_you_call_a_sugar_daddy_thats_just_a_friend/
%
What's the difference between Bloomberg and Trump?

At least Bloomberg stops before he frisks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f54sb6/whats_the_difference_between_bloomberg_and_trump/
%
I got a free puppet today

No strings attached

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f54ojv/i_got_a_free_puppet_today/
%
Wanna hear a joke on construction?

I'm still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f54he6/wanna_hear_a_joke_on_construction/
%
A guy goes to a therapist

Patient: I think I have a problem. I don't want to have sex with my wife anymore. Only thing I can get off to is porn.
Therapist: Have you tried to stop watching porn for awhile?
Patient: Yes. I've tried everything. I keep going back to porn. It just scratches my itch that real sex can't.
Therapist: Even during your hiatus you couldn't orgasm from sex?
Patient: That is correct.
Therapist: Okay, are these videos you're watching a type of fetish or kink that you're embarrassed to tell your wife?
Patient: No I don't think so. Mostly just normal porn. A man and woman having sex.
Therapist: Well we've got to get to the bottom of this. What is a common theme in these videos? Are the women mostly brunette or blonde or red heads? Wearing a type of clothing? Fat girls or skinny girls?
Patient: They're all different types of women. Different positions. Different clothing or what not.
Therapist: Okay normally I wouldn't ask this, but show me on your phone 5 different videos you would normally choose.
Patient (chooses 5 different videos and shows therapist)
Therapist: Yeah... I see the common theme in these videos.
Patient: Really? Can you fix my situation now doc?
Therapist: I don't think so. I think you're out of luck bud.
Patient: Why is that?
Therapist: Because I'm not able to turn your wife into a man with a huge black cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f54h2m/a_guy_goes_to_a_therapist/
%
Lined up a Threesome last night..

(NSFW) There were a couple of no-shows, but it was still a pretty good time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f54ei9/lined_up_a_threesome_last_night/
%
What’s the best way to ruin a wedding?

Don’t know, I didn’t go to mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f54cqr/whats_the_best_way_to_ruin_a_wedding/
%
A little boy who was overweight because he loved eating more than anything in the world asked his dad at the dinner table: ”Dad, where does sausages come from?”

Dad replied: ”Well son, there’s a machine that takes a pig and makes a sausage.”
The son remained unimpressed. Annoyed he exclaimed ”That’s stupid. It would be cooler with a machine that takes a sausage and makes a pig.”
Pondering his life choices, the dad sighed. ”My son, that’s not a machine, that’s your mom.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f549ro/a_little_boy_who_was_overweight_because_he_loved/
%
Why don't porn movies win Oscars?

Because the plots are full of holes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f545xr/why_dont_porn_movies_win_oscars/
%
My wife and I fight a lot

But sibling rivalry is normal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5443x/my_wife_and_i_fight_a_lot/
%
A priest, a rabbi and two blondes walk into a bar..

The bartender looks to the four of them and says “what is this? Some kind of joke?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f53ycl/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_two_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I asked my teacher if I would get scolded for something I didnt do

She said no
so I told her I didn't do my homework

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f53ulp/i_asked_my_teacher_if_i_would_get_scolded_for/
%
What does a woman get if is impregnated by Satan?

Deviled eggs....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f53tji/what_does_a_woman_get_if_is_impregnated_by_satan/
%
My friend was having a really bad stomachache so he hit his belly with a shoe

It really kicked the shit out of him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f53tev/my_friend_was_having_a_really_bad_stomachache_so/
%
Ridding of the Brits

UK: Colour
US: Color
UK: Humour
US: Humor
UK: Armour
US: Armor
UK: What are you doing?
US: Getting rid of U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f53sup/ridding_of_the_brits/
%
A man goes to a bar

This bar has a different bartender depending on which type of drink you prefer.
The man asks a waiter near the door if he could get a quick tour. It's quite busy so each bartender has a line of people already waiting.
The waiter points to the first bartender and says, "This is the line for spirits. We have every different kind you can think of."
The waiter points to the second bartender and says "This one is the line for wine. Even the world's best connoiseurs find something different here each time."
The waiter points to the third bartender and says "And here is the line for beer. Our brews are the finest you'll ever taste."
The waiter is about to leave the man when the man says "Hang on, what about that really long line over there?" The waiter looks at the line, sighs, and says:
"Oh that? That's just the Punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f53p1u/a_man_goes_to_a_bar/
%
Vanilla Ice should be President

If there's a problem, yo, he'll solve it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f53nsf/vanilla_ice_should_be_president/
%
[NSFW] While sexting as a straight dude, what should you be absolutely cautious about?

Typos in "send nudes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f53j3s/nsfw_while_sexting_as_a_straight_dude_what_should/
%
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

A Re-Morse code!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5339s/what_do_you_call_an_apology_written_in_dots_and/
%
What did the nervous cherry say?

I have a pit in my stomach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5318v/what_did_the_nervous_cherry_say/
%
No child of my will ever participate in the unholy art of race mixing.

If they want to do a triathlon, they will do three separate races like god intended

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f530nd/no_child_of_my_will_ever_participate_in_the/
%
How do poets say hello?

Hey, haven’t we metaphor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f52xfc/how_do_poets_say_hello/
%
What do you call an otter that just got glasses?

A see otter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f52wum/what_do_you_call_an_otter_that_just_got_glasses/
%
A blonde comes home from school munching on a candy bar...

Her mom asks her where she got it.
"I got it from Johnny! All I had to do was climb the flag pole at school!" she says.
"Oh, Jenny! You're such a dumb-ass. He was just trying to look up your skirt and see your panties!"
"Whoops!" Jenny says.
The next day she comes home, munching another candy bar. Her mom asks her where she got it.
"You didn't let Johnny look up your skirt and see your panties again, did you!?"
"Oh no, momma! I fooled him good! I didn't even wear any panties today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f52ua7/a_blonde_comes_home_from_school_munching_on_a/
%
I was rowing down the creek with some friends last week, and I thought:

"Oars would be better!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f52thl/i_was_rowing_down_the_creek_with_some_friends/
%
Did you guys hear about Jimmy who fell into the well?

He just did not see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f52sf4/did_you_guys_hear_about_jimmy_who_fell_into_the/
%
A theif broke into my house last night...

He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f52psh/a_theif_broke_into_my_house_last_night/
%
A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f52p0o/a_cop_stops_a_harley_for_travelling_faster_than/
%
Why do we tell actors to “break their legs?”

Because all plays have casts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f52maa/why_do_we_tell_actors_to_break_their_legs/
%
Two Aliens and a Gas Pump

Two Aliens land next to a petrol station on a lonely highway.
They leave their ship and waddle towards the first thing that looks like a life form - a gas pump.
"Earthling, take me to your leader", utters the first alien in a harsh voice. Obviously he is not getting any response. "Earthling, take me to your leader!", he repeats now with a stern look on his face.
After the gas pump is not responding to his second attempt he pulls out his laser blaster and says "If this earthling is not paying any respect I will teach him some!"
"Ehm. Do what you think is right", his buddy says, "but wait until I got some safety distance".
Slightly surprised the first alien lets his companion waddle about 50m away from the petrol station, before he aims again his weapon at the gas pump. "Earthling, take me to your leader immediately!", he yells and a few seconds later pulls the trigger.
After the huge explosion he finds himself a good distance away from what is left of the petrol station. Moaning and lying in the dirt he asks his friend "Why you didn't warn me if you knew what would happen?"
"I didn't know this would happen", he replies, "but I am smart enough not to challenge someone who can wrap his penis twice around his hips and still stick it in his ear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f52keb/two_aliens_and_a_gas_pump/
%
What do you do with a rattle snake in one pocket and a condom with a hole in it in the other one.

Don't fuck with either one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f52g8b/what_do_you_do_with_a_rattle_snake_in_one_pocket/
%
whats the difference between green bay and chicago

in chicago moosehead is a type of beer and in green bay it’s a felony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f52emx/whats_the_difference_between_green_bay_and_chicago/
%
An elderly, forgetful couple . . .

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.  So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen ?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.  Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that.  You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?', she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!  Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen.  After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.  She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f526fr/an_elderly_forgetful_couple/
%
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f51ymz/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers/
%
I have CDO.

It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order like they should be!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f51sxe/i_have_cdo/
%
What is the most embarrassing species of bird?

Morning wood -pecker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f51ilo/what_is_the_most_embarrassing_species_of_bird/
%
Will Will Smith smith Will Smith?

Yes, Will Smith will smith Will Smith

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f51ik5/will_will_smith_smith_will_smith/
%
If you walk into the forest and chop down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down,

Do you think it's stumped?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f51ifx/if_you_walk_into_the_forest_and_chop_down_a_tree/
%
Have you heard of the French cheese factory that exploded recently?

The was nothing left of it but de brie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f51e6l/have_you_heard_of_the_french_cheese_factory_that/
%
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing! They're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f51c12/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
What did BB-8 do when he woke up?

BB-8 breakfast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f519xn/what_did_bb8_do_when_he_woke_up/
%
When a cow becomes fat enough...

...its life is at steak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5162h/when_a_cow_becomes_fat_enough/
%
The Widow and the Ranch Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand... Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk... She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. 'The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.  Finally, he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks. 'He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f515ak/the_widow_and_the_ranch_hand/
%
I have a superpower

I can use the heat generated from cellular respiration to make the muscles in my arms contract
Not to flex or anything...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f5111v/i_have_a_superpower/
%
What do you call an orgy where everyone is related?

A family affair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f50yay/what_do_you_call_an_orgy_where_everyone_is_related/
%
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.

He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f50wsz/yesterday_i_was_washing_the_car_with_my_son/
%
The lights were off, I was alone, and I was beatin' it like it owed me money. And I thought to myself

Why am I making eggs in the dark?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f50p7f/the_lights_were_off_i_was_alone_and_i_was_beatin/
%
What does a parrot want on the 4th of July?

A Fire Cracker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f50p6b/what_does_a_parrot_want_on_the_4th_of_july/
%
A global survey was conducted...

A global survey was conducted.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure.
In the African they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f50l5y/a_global_survey_was_conducted/
%
3 Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
But they only know how to say one thing.''What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter .
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
That phrase .. . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence. Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f509cf/3_catholic_parrots/
%
What are the strongest days?

Saturday and Sunday.
The rest are weekdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f509bj/what_are_the_strongest_days/
%
I really don’t like thinking about gravity.

It always brings me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f505ry/i_really_dont_like_thinking_about_gravity/
%
Jack and Jill went up a hill.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana.
Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said "I know you wanna."
Jill said yes, took off her dress and they had some fun.
But silly Jill forgot her pills and now they have a son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4zlh1/jack_and_jill_went_up_a_hill/
%
What’s easier to pick up the heavier it is ?

women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4zd4t/whats_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_is/
%
My extraterrestrial girlfriend dumped me

now she’s my Spacex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4zcfp/my_extraterrestrial_girlfriend_dumped_me/
%
Reddit should rename "share" to "spreddit", "delete" to "shreddit" and "karma" to "creddit".

Yet they haven't. I really don't geddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4zc6o/reddit_should_rename_share_to_spreddit_delete_to/
%
Wanna hear a giraffe joke?

Nah it will just go over your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4z654/wanna_hear_a_giraffe_joke/
%
I would tell all of you a joke about pornstars.

but never mind, It’s actually quite whoreable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4z20t/i_would_tell_all_of_you_a_joke_about_pornstars/
%
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"

"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4z1t8/my_son_asked_dad_what_are_condoms_for/
%
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic...

I was in Daniel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4z1if/i_refused_to_believe_i_was_gay_and_dyslexic/
%
What did the slug say to the other slug when he saw the snail?

"Shit, he's wearing a backpack. Get off the train!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4z0t4/what_did_the_slug_say_to_the_other_slug_when_he/
%
What's the difference between ramen soup and an Oscar-bait movie?

You watch one for three minutes, stirring occasionally.  You watch the other for three hours and it's occasionally stirring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ytn3/whats_the_difference_between_ramen_soup_and_an/
%
Teacher: What comes before 10?

Student: I have a bomb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4yrae/teacher_what_comes_before_10/
%
How do japanese chihuahuas say hi?

Konichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4yob7/how_do_japanese_chihuahuas_say_hi/
%
Why did the Invisible Man turn down the job offer?

He couldn't see himself doing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ymwl/why_did_the_invisible_man_turn_down_the_job_offer/
%
What’s the difference between a refrigerator and a vagina?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull out the meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ykp9/whats_the_difference_between_a_refrigerator_and_a/
%
A man wanted to have sex with a nun

he saw every day at the bus station. One day, when they got on the bus, he asked her to have sex with him, but she refused. The bus driver heard their conversation and after she got off the bis, he told the man " Every night, she goes to the cemetery to visit Father Martin's grave, who died a few years ago. If you want to have sex with her, go to the cemetery dressed in black with your face covered and say: Maria, it's me, Martin. I have come to have sex with you before i go to heaven." The man did just as he was told. When he goes to the cemetery, he sees the nun staying in front of a grave with her face covered. The man approached her and said he was Father Martin and wanted to have sex with her. She said: "Fine, but do it in the ass so i can stay a virgin." After the man had sex with her, he uncovered his face and said: "Ha! It was me the whole time!", but then the one he thought was the nun turned around and said: "Ha! It is me, the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4y9e0/a_man_wanted_to_have_sex_with_a_nun/
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Someone once told me to get off my high horse.

A blunt and lots of lube later, I was able to do just that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4y1q6/someone_once_told_me_to_get_off_my_high_horse/
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Why did the sperm cross the street?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4xxea/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_street/
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I decided to give water polo a try last week

It was quite fun until my horse drowned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4xtgs/i_decided_to_give_water_polo_a_try_last_week/
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An Irishman is in the bar ... [coincidence]

An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness
A lady next To him says,
"What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too."
Irish man - "I'm celebrating."
Lady - "Me too."
Irish man - "What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?"
Lady - "My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I'm pregnant!"
Irishman - "What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn't lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!"
Lady - "Wow! How did that happen?"
Irishman - "I used a different cock."
Lady smiled and said,
"WHAT A COINCIDENCE !!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4xqmi/an_irishman_is_in_the_bar_coincidence/
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Teacher: The VSCO girl fell out from a plane last night.

Friend 1: Where did she fall from?
Friend 2: The sksksksky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4xlwl/teacher_the_vsco_girl_fell_out_from_a_plane_last/
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There was once a man by the name of Austin Richard Post

He thoroughly enjoyed writing music, but could never quite find people who would want to make music with him; this often left him secluded in his life. Disappointed by his lack of fame and a band, he talked to a local bartender, surrounded by drinks, about his situation.
"I just don't understand," Austin said. "Why don't people want to post songs to the internet with me?" The bartender sat there, pondering. After a minute, he came to a conclusion.
"Why don't you just post'm alone?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4xgh9/there_was_once_a_man_by_the_name_of_austin/
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An artist, an architect, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect said that it was better to have a wife, because you could build the relationship on a firm foundation.
The artist said that no, it was better to have a mistress, because the freedom allowed endless variations.
The engineer said that it was best to have both a wife and a mistress, because the wife would think he was with the mistress, the mistress would think he was with the wife, and he could go to the office and get some work done!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4xemd/an_artist_an_architect_and_an_engineer_were/
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I'm fine driving through tunnels when I'm on my own. But the minute I have multiple passengers and I drive through a tunnel, it hurts to hold the steering wheel.

I think I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4xb12/im_fine_driving_through_tunnels_when_im_on_my_own/
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I tried to tell my dog a knock knock joke.

But he just started barking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4x9m8/i_tried_to_tell_my_dog_a_knock_knock_joke/
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Spiderman, Santa Claus, and one of the talented members of Nickelback are walking down the street when they see a $100 bill. Who gets the bill?

Spiderman because there’s no such thing as Santa and there’s no such thing as a talented member of Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4wy89/spiderman_santa_claus_and_one_of_the_talented/
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What is the difference between a Walmart and a hooker?

At Walmart, more plastic always makes it cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4wspn/what_is_the_difference_between_a_walmart_and_a/
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A man wakes up feeling a bit frisky. Turns to his wife and whispers, “how about a morning quickie?”

His wife says, “I’d love to, but I have an appointment with my gynecologist today and it’d be awkward.”
Her husband thinks about it for a minute and says, “Do you have a dentist appointment?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4womt/a_man_wakes_up_feeling_a_bit_frisky_turns_to_his/
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I once payed a weightlifter $150 to give me a handjob.

What a rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4wkdp/i_once_payed_a_weightlifter_150_to_give_me_a/
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Last night, I watched a TV show about a girl who was bleeding uncontrollably.

It was a period drama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4wfj8/last_night_i_watched_a_tv_show_about_a_girl_who/
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A ghost may try to deceive you.

But don't worry, you will be able to see right through them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4w9bf/a_ghost_may_try_to_deceive_you/
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Guy took an airline to court after his luggage did not show up

He lost his case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4w7l2/guy_took_an_airline_to_court_after_his_luggage/
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pennywise: we all float down here

**pennyfoolish:** *[...drowning]*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4vsyp/pennywise_we_all_float_down_here/
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My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4vltb/my_mother_always_used_to_say_the_way_to_a_mans/
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Why are lesbians upset about The Sports Authority going out of business?

Because they don't like Dick's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4vlnr/why_are_lesbians_upset_about_the_sports_authority/
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One day Godzilla ate the island of Tonga.

Then he said, "That was good. Now I'm ready to have Samoa."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4vky2/one_day_godzilla_ate_the_island_of_tonga/
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Jack and Jill went up the hill

So that they could have the high ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4vkep/jack_and_jill_went_up_the_hill/
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A bad workman always blames his fools

\*tools
(stupid keyboard)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4vf18/a_bad_workman_always_blames_his_fools/
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Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight.

These, of course, are only round figures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4va4z/doctors_tell_us_there_are_over_seven_million/
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Who is the best reader in the word?

Our Grorious Reader!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4v7vh/who_is_the_best_reader_in_the_word/
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Ted’s grandmother pulls him aside at his eighth birthday party and hands him a five-dollar bill.

“Here, this is a little something extra from Grandma. But not a word of this to your brothers and sisters.”
The boy looks at the bill and responds, ...
"If you want me to stay quiet, it’s going to cost you a lot more.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4v7q5/teds_grandmother_pulls_him_aside_at_his_eighth/
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What cup size bra do striped horses wear?

A size Z-Bra!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4v719/what_cup_size_bra_do_striped_horses_wear/
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- Doctor, I have no idea how to ejaculate

-How come?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4uwdl/doctor_i_have_no_idea_how_to_ejaculate/
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Everyone around me calls me aimless.

It was time for me to move away from all these toxic people to a whole new place. So, I bought a large US map, put it on the wall, and decided to move to the place my dart hits.
Viva la Vida, here I come, Rio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4uve6/everyone_around_me_calls_me_aimless/
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A hunter and his friend are walking down a path when they spot a deep hole in the ground.

The hunter says "how far do ya reckon that hole goes?" The friend replies with "i don't know, lets chuck something down there and find out." They both lug an old radiator from the nearby bushes over to it and let it fall in. They start to count and listen for the thud, but before they hear it land, they notice a goat charge from the bushes and leap into the hole. Shocked and confused, they both continue they're trek ahead. About 15 minutes later they are confronted by an old farmer who asks them "you two fellows, have you seen a goat pass by lately?" The hunter replies "hell yeah, we did! About a mile back, we saw it dive into a pit movin' 90 to nothin'." The farmer looks at him dazed and speaks "thats impossible, he was tied to an old radiator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ur6o/a_hunter_and_his_friend_are_walking_down_a_path/
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Whats Orange and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ukw3/whats_orange_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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I lost 10 pounds this week

I've gotta fix that hole in my pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ukr9/i_lost_10_pounds_this_week/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ujms/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Darth Vader: *heavy breathing*

**Admiral Motti:** oh great, he's jerking off using the force again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ufqi/darth_vader_heavy_breathing/
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why are there no cats on mars?

because Curiosity killed them all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ufi5/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
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Online dating is hard...

Every time I try to meet someone new they end up in jail. Grown-ups have it easy than us kids like c'mon I'm only 9 years old!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ueqb/online_dating_is_hard/
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It only takes one glass of wine to put me under...

Sometimes it’s the 6th one, sometimes the 7th,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ucmm/it_only_takes_one_glass_of_wine_to_put_me_under/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4u8tc/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4u3r3/dont_be_worried_about_your_smartphone_or_tv/
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Why do cows wear bells?

Cause their horns don’t work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4u2p9/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
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Two Irishmen walked out of a bar.

...It can happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4tt7e/two_irishmen_walked_out_of_a_bar/
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TIL about the Houston 500 with pornstar Houston having sex with 500 men in one day

I'm still struggling with my Copenhagen 1 project

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4tq6i/til_about_the_houston_500_with_pornstar_houston/
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Two cannibals sit down in their hut and begin to eat a missionary.

One starts at the head and the other starts at the feet. After a few bites ...
Cannibal #1: "Are you enjoying the missionary?"
Cannibal #2: "Yes. I'm having a ball!"
Cannibal #1: "You're eating too fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4too5/two_cannibals_sit_down_in_their_hut_and_begin_to/
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How do crabs move from one person to the next?

They use pubic transport

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4tl15/how_do_crabs_move_from_one_person_to_the_next/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4tjyv/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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Amy Schumer asks a genie to become the funniest person on earth.

The next day she wakes up and is the only person on earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4thrm/amy_schumer_asks_a_genie_to_become_the_funniest/
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Sorry i dont do coke

I just like the way it smells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4thgg/sorry_i_dont_do_coke/
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At a Bass Pro Shop

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a fishing rod for her son's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. An associate is standing there in dark shades. She says "Excuse me, could you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but she drops it on the counter anyways.
He says "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with Zebco 404 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says "It's amazing you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she open her purse her credit card falls on the floor.
"Oh that sounds like a Master Card" he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way for the blind clerk to know she was the one who farted. Being blind he wouldn't know she was the only one around.
The man ring up the fishing rod and says "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel are $20.00. But the duck call is $11.00 and the bear repellent is $3.50."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4t7hh/at_a_bass_pro_shop/
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#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4t12q/929_a_husband_and_wife_are_waiting_at_the_bus/
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A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.

I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4sxgk/a_guy_offered_to_document_my_life_in_microsoft/
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As a lover of history, I always wondered how Genghis Khan would seek shelter whilst traversing various regions of the vast Mongol empire

Then it struck me. Finally! A regional Khan tent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4svzt/as_a_lover_of_history_i_always_wondered_how/
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I got myself a new house today

But then a burglar came in and asked: What are you doing in my house?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4svkp/i_got_myself_a_new_house_today/
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Why is tomorrow infertile?

Because tomorrow never comes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4sgbt/why_is_tomorrow_infertile/
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Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with just one hand?

She uses the other one to moan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4sas2/why_does_hellen_keller_masturbate_with_just_one/
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What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4s5s9/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
What's green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4s5b4/whats_green_fuzzy_and_if_it_fell_out_of_a_tree_it/
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Evangelists don’t need health care.

They’re on the single prayer system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4s59g/evangelists_dont_need_health_care/
%
My son - who's into astronomy - asks me how stars die.

I tell him, "Usually an overdose, son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4s4kv/my_son_whos_into_astronomy_asks_me_how_stars_die/
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My granddad says I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4s3y1/my_granddad_says_im_too_reliant_on_technology/
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A drill was waiting on a sidewalk

A car pulled over and the driver, a hammer, asked : how much for some good time?
The drill : sorry I don't screwdrivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4s1bc/a_drill_was_waiting_on_a_sidewalk/
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I just got back from the doctor, who told me I'm infertile.

I'm not kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4rz8p/i_just_got_back_from_the_doctor_who_told_me_im/
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“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”

“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4rwor/doctor_i_intend_to_not_vaccinate_my_son_should_i/
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How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I’m a bit confused on how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4rvtf/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A redittor has a lethal accident, in their final moments their whole life flashes before their eyes...

Their last thought... "Repost"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4rv8w/a_redittor_has_a_lethal_accident_in_their_final/
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Roses are Red, Chocolate is Brown..

My wife ate asparagus and wants me to go down.
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4rusx/roses_are_red_chocolate_is_brown/
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I'd like to dedicate this joke to my father, who was a roofer...

...so...dad, if you're up there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4rncl/id_like_to_dedicate_this_joke_to_my_father_who/
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What do you call a rude, undemocratic leader?

A Dicktator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4rm3b/what_do_you_call_a_rude_undemocratic_leader/
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What do you call a communist with a bow?

Robin Hood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4rk3s/what_do_you_call_a_communist_with_a_bow/
%
Did you hear about the man with a hole in his chest?

Doctors are looking into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4rcz7/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_a_hole_in_his/
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What do you call a Mexican who owns 2.47 acres of land?

Hector

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4rb4g/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_owns_247_acres_of/
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What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

A frog goes "ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad goes "rub it, rub it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4r3ol/whats_the_difference_between_a_frog_and_a_horny/
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An 85 year old man had to go to the doctor for a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4quxm/an_85_year_old_man_had_to_go_to_the_doctor_for_a/
%
Dear Algebra,

please stop asking us to find your x. She's not coming back. Don't ask y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4qtde/dear_algebra/
%
Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4qsao/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_playground/
%
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide

The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4qpoh/a_man_went_into_a_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
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Baby balloon couldn't sleep

He had a bad dream so went to his parents room to sleep in their bed.
Papa balloon was so big that baby balloon couldn't fit in the bed.
He undid Papas' balloon knot and let some air out to make him smaller but he still couldn't fit in the bed.
He then undid Mamas' balloon knot to let some air out and make her smaller but he still couldn't fit in the bed.
He then undid his own balloon knot, let some air out of himself until he was small enough to fit between them and fell straight asleep.
The next morning Papa balloon was furious.
He pulled baby balloon to one side and told him never to do that again.
"You've let me down, you've let your Mama down, but more importantly you've let your self down"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4qmfu/baby_balloon_couldnt_sleep/
%
A penguin takes his car to a mechanic

The mechanic tells the penguin it'll be about 30min to diagnose.  The penguin decides to go across the street to Dairy Queen.  Gets a sundae.  Eats the sundae using his flippers like any penguin would...  He waddles back across the street to the mechanic's shop.  The mechanic says "OH, well it looks like you blew a seal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4qkzp/a_penguin_takes_his_car_to_a_mechanic/
%
Why are gay people so bad at poker?

-because they cant keep a straight face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4qjgn/why_are_gay_people_so_bad_at_poker/
%
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4qj7s/yesterday_i_changed_a_light_bulb_crossed_the/
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Life is like a box of chocolates.

It makes you fat and poisons dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4qih1/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
I may not be smart, or attractive, or likeable, or rich.

But at least I don't have self-confidence issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4qhix/i_may_not_be_smart_or_attractive_or_likeable_or/
%
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

I just can't put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4qggr/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A woman walks over to him and asks, "Is this seat taken?" The guy looks down and replies, "No, it's still there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4qas2/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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Pinocchio goes over to Gipetto’s place one afternoon.

“Hey, dad. I’m having a problem.”
“What’s the problem, son?”
“My girlfriend complains that every time we have sex she gets splinters in her va-jay-jay.”
“Simple solution, my son. Take this sandpaper home and rub it on your lil’ stump. That’ll take care of everything.”
So a few weeks go by and Gipetto hasn’t heard from Pinocchio. He decides to go ‘round to Pinocchio’s house to check on him.
“Hey, Pinocchio. How’d everything work out with your girlfriend?”
“Girlfriend?” replies Pinocchio. “Who needs a girlfriend?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4pu5i/pinocchio_goes_over_to_gipettos_place_one/
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What is it called when somebody kills their best friend?

Homiecide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4pqy5/what_is_it_called_when_somebody_kills_their_best/
%
What did the horny toad say?

Rub It... Rub It... Rub It...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4pq8h/what_did_the_horny_toad_say/
%
How does a Jewish person make tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4pjex/how_does_a_jewish_person_make_tea/
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I remember in America seeing this old hobo sitting at the roadside singing...

He was playing Give a Little Bit. I said that’s Supertramp. He said thank you very much sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4phrl/i_remember_in_america_seeing_this_old_hobo/
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What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine?

A Slow-poke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4pd2a/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_turtle_and_a/
%
I want to become an expert in BDSM

But I’m still working out all the kinks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4pawg/i_want_to_become_an_expert_in_bdsm/
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What do you call it when a lion, a meerkat and a warthog coexist peacefully?

A Simba-iotic relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4p7ra/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_lion_a_meerkat_and_a/
%
How to distinguish when your son has an accomplishment or a disaster?

Wife shouts:
_come see your son_ = disaster
Wife shouts:
_come see my son_ = achievement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4p354/how_to_distinguish_when_your_son_has_an/
%
For the past three weeks, I've been jogging a mile a day

Now I don't know where I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ozoa/for_the_past_three_weeks_ive_been_jogging_a_mile/
%
What is 5Q + 5Q?

You're welcome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ose9/what_is_5q_5q/
%
I just walked past a man in shorts carrying a really long stick and i asked him "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No I'm German, how did you know my name was Walter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4olod/i_just_walked_past_a_man_in_shorts_carrying_a/
%
I crashed into a midget today.

He lept out of his car and yelled "IM NOT HAPPY!" I replied.. " Well, which one are you then?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4oi3g/i_crashed_into_a_midget_today/
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They said I'm overconfident.

Edit 1: Thanks for the gold!
Edit 2: Thanks for the platinum!
Edit 3: Wow this blew up!
Edit 4: Thanks for the silver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4oc5d/they_said_im_overconfident/
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What’s the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, “Sign here please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4o2o4/whats_the_difference_between_a_amateur_thief_and/
%
How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They resist change even if it would make the world a brighter place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4nzwh/how_many_boomers_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
When I checked-in earlier today at the hotel, I asked if I could have a room with a street view.

The receptionist said "Sorry, they're all pixelated."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4nxdt/when_i_checkedin_earlier_today_at_the_hotel_i/
%
I write songs about sewing machines

Im a singer-songwriter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ntr0/i_write_songs_about_sewing_machines/
%
A tomb raider goes into a pyramid

She enters the pyramid after hearing that the pharaoh holds a great artifact. She hops and dodges all kinds of traps until she gets caught by a zombie slave.
Slave says: I'm going to make you a slave.
He forces the raider into the slave room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She finishes off other zombie slaves until she gets caught by a guardian.
Guardian says: I'm going to make you a guardian.
He forces the raider into the guardian room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She avoids other guardians and enters the sarcophagus room. The mummy rises and grabs the raider.
Mummy says: I'm going to make you a mummy.
Raider says: At least you're clear on your intentions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4new1/a_tomb_raider_goes_into_a_pyramid/
%
I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys.

My personal favorite is the toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4n7kl/i_love_bath_time_it_allows_me_to_play_with_my/
%
When I was seven my dad told me he would give me the life He never had

Nice to know he was happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4n1zr/when_i_was_seven_my_dad_told_me_he_would_give_me/
%
Did you hear about the stripper who fell from the pole and broke her jaw?

She’s now getting twerkman’s comp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4mg7p/did_you_hear_about_the_stripper_who_fell_from_the/
%
A man is out walking his dogs

another guy Comes up to him and asks “excuse me are those Jack Russels?”
The owner quickly replies “No they’re mine!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4mfp9/a_man_is_out_walking_his_dogs/
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How do you know when Kobe Bryant is famous?

His face was chiseled into the mountain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4lwrq/how_do_you_know_when_kobe_bryant_is_famous/
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What do you give a ghost on Valentine’s Day?

A booquet of roses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4lv9t/what_do_you_give_a_ghost_on_valentines_day/
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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and
figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia, but you're not in the mines anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically),"So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend is fucked, perhaps you should go fishing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4lskv/a_young_guy_from_west_virginia_moves_to_florida/
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A Girl was towelling her wet Pussy..

She enjoyed it very much, and started rubbing it vigourosly..
until the pussy cried 'meoww'
and  Ran Away....
ALWAYS REMEMBER -
1. Be kind to animals
2. Keep your thoughts clean
3. Good that she was not towelling her wet ass
Asses can be dangerous animals & they kick hard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4lroi/a_girl_was_towelling_her_wet_pussy/
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Why don't werewolves know what time it is?

They're werewolves, not whenwolves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4lhn9/why_dont_werewolves_know_what_time_it_is/
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A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

The doc : don’t worry.. they are just contractions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4l8pk/a_woman_in_labor_suddenly_shouted_shouldnt/
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Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because, they make up literally everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4l78g/why_cant_you_trust_an_atom/
%
A man goes to the doctor to get a check up

He finds out that he has cancer. The man asks the doctor "how long do i have left to live?"
The doctor says "Five"
The man ask "five what?"
The doctor says "four, three, two...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4l6nb/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_to_get_a_check_up/
%
What’s green and has four legs and if it falls out a tree it’ll kill you?

A snooker table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4l68j/whats_green_and_has_four_legs_and_if_it_falls_out/
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[NSFW] A Lawyer Marries a Woman who has had 10 Divorces.

On their wedding night, she tells him, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... Ohhh ... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4l4jp/nsfw_a_lawyer_marries_a_woman_who_has_had_10/
%
What did the Redditor say to the kid at the birthday party?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4l0i7/what_did_the_redditor_say_to_the_kid_at_the/
%
What did Goofy say when he got shot in the nuts by a soccer ball?

F’yuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4kypl/what_did_goofy_say_when_he_got_shot_in_the_nuts/
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No Corona

Mike had just met Susie.
They went for a dinner and a movie, ending up in his pad.
She had just returned from China. She was jet lagged from the flight, with a mild cough.
The night was fun though.
He met her friend Mary the next weekend.
Mary: Hear about Susie?
Mike: No. What about her?
Mary: unfortunately she died
Mike: ( suddenly sweating)  What happened???
Mary: Car accident
Mike: Oh; thank God!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4klii/no_corona/
%
A nomad traveler is walking through a village in the country...

A nomad traveler is walking through a village in the country when a little boy comes running up and says, "Please, help, help, my mother is trapped in a well!" So the traveler comes to the mother's aid, she gives him some bread and a place to rest in thanks, and he moves on.
Next he is walking through a suburb neighborhood, when a little girl comes running up and says, "Please, help, help, my father is trapped on the roof! His ladder fell!" So the traveler comes to the father's aid, the father has him stay for dinner and gives him a place to rest in thanks, and he moves on.
Next he is walking through a big city. He becomes overwhelmed and stands in awe, staring around at the sights. He's never seen anything like this in his whole life. Then a big man comes running up, looking haggard and angry. The traveler sees him coming and turns to him, "What do you need help with, sir?"
The big man takes a deep breath and bellows at him, "I need you to stop staring and get out of the goddamn road!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4kl5n/a_nomad_traveler_is_walking_through_a_village_in/
%
Earth

NASA: Earth is the third planet from the sun.
Trump: I'm going to make it first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4kkaa/earth/
%
An old man is dying and he tells his wife he wants to be buried at sea.

When he passes, his widow decides to ask her sister to go to the beach with her to fulfill her late husbands request.  They rent a boat and go out about 100 yards from the shore.  The widow's sister asks "is it deep enough yet?".  The widow gets in and the water is only up to her waste.  She replies "Not deep enough, we'll have to go out farther".
They go out a little farther and again the sister asks "Is it deep enough now?".  The widow gets in and the water is now up to her neck.  She says "No, still not deep enough".
They go out farther and the widow gets in the water again.  She disappears for about 30 seconds before finally coming back up.  "Okay, it is deep enough now.", she says, "Hand me the shovel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4kfw1/an_old_man_is_dying_and_he_tells_his_wife_he/
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Need a spoon?

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ke8j/need_a_spoon/
%
There is a pier with two docks. An empty boat pulls up, which dock do the passengers unboard onto?

Well that's the thing, it's a paradox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4kain/there_is_a_pier_with_two_docks_an_empty_boat/
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What did one dividing cell say to its sibling when they stepped on their foot?

Mitosis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4k88s/what_did_one_dividing_cell_say_to_its_sibling/
%
A straight-laced former cop and a priest were driving down a country road

Walking along the edge of the road were some teens - their pants sagging, they were vaping had a beer in hand, and could clearly be hear cursing loudly. This enraged the former cop. He drifted toward the side of the road as if to hit them, then pulled back. Angry, he drifted over again. There was a horrible noise, and the teens went flying in the air. The cop turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father, but their actions drove me to uncontrollable anger and I *had* to hit them." The priest looked at him and said, "You had to hit them? You didn't hit them at all. Hell, I got 'em with the door!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4k7p5/a_straightlaced_former_cop_and_a_priest_were/
%
A sweater I bought kept static electricity, so I returned it

They gave me another one free of charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4k6zj/a_sweater_i_bought_kept_static_electricity_so_i/
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A Valentine’s Day Poem, by Stevie Wonder

Roses are black,
Violets are black,
I can’t see shit,
Fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4k22p/a_valentines_day_poem_by_stevie_wonder/
%
A man goes to the doctor complaining of abdominal pain.

While examining the man's abdomen, the doctor asks "Have you been doing any strenuous activity recently?"
"Well," the man replies, "I'm in the process of moving twelve pallets of cinder blocks for a shed I'm building."
"I see. Well, it looks like that's given you a pretty bad hernia. We'll need to perform surgery to patch you up."
---
So the man goes into surgery later that week. While he's in recovery, the doctor comes out to speak to the man's wife.
"Is everything okay with my husband?" she asks.
"Yes ma'am, he's recovering well. It's just..."
"Well, what is it?" the wife demands.
"Well, we've been trying this new surgery technique for hernias. It makes for a faster recovery but... in order to do it, we had to make your husband's penis two inches longer. I really hope this doesn't affect you negatively."
The wife scoffs. "Thanks, but I don't think it will affect us at all."
---
Three weeks later, the man goes back to the doctor for his post-op checkup.
"How are you feeling now?" the doctor asks.
"Doc, I couldn't be better. I feel like a new man."
"And how does everything feel... down there?"
"You know, I can't complain!"
The doctor is relieved. "Now, I would advise you not to move any more cinder blocks for another six weeks..."
"Oh, don't worry about that," the man said. "The day after the surgery, my wife called her tennis instructor and he was generous enough to finish the job for me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4k1di/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_complaining_of_abdominal/
%
Credit: jayC137

Clumsy vegetarians make the best DJs. They’re always dropping beets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4k15p/credit_jayc137/
%
An Australian gets off the boat in 1930's dust bowl USA and wanders around the land a while.

The harbor master meets him at the shore and asked him...why are you here now?
Did you come here to die??
Naw mate... I came here yesterdie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4jwc6/an_australian_gets_off_the_boat_in_1930s_dust/
%
My high school teacher didn't like cursing.

I used to have a friend named Floyd, but he's Loyd now. He once cursed at my teacher's class, so the teacher beat the F out of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4jtbz/my_high_school_teacher_didnt_like_cursing/
%
When I was in school my teacher took my mood ring and never gave it back.

I still don’t know how I feel about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4js1l/when_i_was_in_school_my_teacher_took_my_mood_ring/
%
What did the doctor say to the Nazi about his tumor?

It was beNEIN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4jl6i/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_nazi_about_his/
%
On the atheist tombstone:

All dressed up and no place to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4jhb7/on_the_atheist_tombstone/
%
What do you call a group of deer who indulge in domestic violence and blame it on their SO?

Amber Herd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4j55m/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_deer_who_indulge_in/
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Very good tea and pasta joke

What is your favorite type of tea?
Spaghett-tea
Thank you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4j3yf/very_good_tea_and_pasta_joke/
%
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4iyoc/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
George and Ted were driving through the countryside when there car broke down.

They went to a nearby farmhouse to call a tow truck. When they knocked on the door, a gorgeous woman answered.
"Can we use your phone?" they asked.
"Yes," said the woman. So George and Ted used the woman's phone to call a tow truck.
The tow truck company told them that it would take them all night to fix the car.
"Can we stay overnight?" asked George and Ted.
"Yes," said the woman. "But please sleep in the barn." So George and Ted slept in the barn.
The next morning, George and Ted waved the woman goodbye and left in there fixed car.
Nine months later, George got a letter from the woman's farmhouse. After reading the letter, he picked up the phone to call Ted.
"Did you sneak out of the barn that night?" asked George.
"Yes," confessed Ted.
"Did you sleep with that woman?"
"Yes."
"Did you tell her you were me?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's the best thing you ever did! She died last night and left me her entire estate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ix7e/george_and_ted_were_driving_through_the/
%
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider.

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ivjw/two_caterpillars_are_escaping_a_spider/
%
A traveler stopped at a monastery and they invited him to stay for a delicious dinner of fish and chips.

After dinner he went in the kitchen and asked a guy "Are you the fish friar?" and the guy said "No I'm the chip monk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ik6z/a_traveler_stopped_at_a_monastery_and_they/
%
Why can’t you count on the horse senators support?

He always votes neigh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ijmn/why_cant_you_count_on_the_horse_senators_support/
%
Translucent: When some light passes through a material

Transparent: When your dad identifies more as your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ia0m/translucent_when_some_light_passes_through_a/
%
Vagina flavor lollipop

A street vendor was shouting "Vagina flavor lollipops, get your vagina flavor lollipops here!"
A man approaches and says "This can't be real, but I'll have one please" the man licks it.
"Uugh.. This taste like shit!"
"Turn it around" says the vendor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4i6r9/vagina_flavor_lollipop/
%
Why is it best to visit your chiropractor for your fetishes?

Because they will help you work out your kinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4i5jn/why_is_it_best_to_visit_your_chiropractor_for/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4hz3c/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
What's a porn stars favorite drink?

7-up in cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4hywa/whats_a_porn_stars_favorite_drink/
%
Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams.
Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4hyh8/little_johnny_wakes_up_one_night_hearing_noises/
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An Atheist in Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4hy5a/an_atheist_in_hell/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!
I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4htqo/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
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Six topless women sounds nice

Dozen Tit??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4hqfr/six_topless_women_sounds_nice/
%
Yesterday, in a job interview, the guy asked me if I could perform under pressure.

I said no, but, I would give Bohemian Rapsody a go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4hk54/yesterday_in_a_job_interview_the_guy_asked_me_if/
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Donald Trump had a secret phone meeting with Vladimir Putin.

At the end of the call, Trump said to Putin, “Vlad, tell me something. How do you know if the people you work with are smart and trustworthy?”
Putin said, “It’s easy Don. I bring them into my office in the Kremlin, I sit them down, and I ask them one question. If they get it right, they stay. If they get it wrong? Siberia.”
“Wow!” said Trump. “What’s the question??”
“I ask them, ”Who is the son of your mother, but is not your brother?”” replied Putin.
“Ooh, that’s good. Very good.” said Trump. “What's the answer?”
“Well for me, it’s me! Vladimir Putin! I’m the son of my mother, and not my brother.” said Putin.
“This is huge. I’m gonna go try this with Mike Pence.  I’m not too sure about that guy.  Thank you Vlad!”
Trump hung up the phone and called Pence into his office.
“Hi Don. What’s up?”
“Mike, who is the son of your mother, but not your brother?”
“Well that’s easy Don, it’s me, Mike Pence.”
“NO, YOU IDIOT! THE ANSWER IS VLADIMIR PUTIN! YOU'RE FIRED!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4hj6b/donald_trump_had_a_secret_phone_meeting_with/
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A man walks in to bar, and asks the bartender for ten whiskeys.

The bartender asks, "What's the special occasion?" The man says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob"
The bartender says, "Congratulations! I'll buy you one, too!"
The man says, " Don't bother, if ten doesn't get rid of the taste, one more won't make a difference."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4hi2g/a_man_walks_in_to_bar_and_asks_the_bartender_for/
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Ahh, grocery shopping

Cashier at Food Lion today: “I’m having a bad day, I dropped a 12 pack of beer on my foot!”
Me: “Was it light beer?”
Cashier: *silence*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4hhgu/ahh_grocery_shopping/
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What do Chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?

They are all better rich!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4h2zm/what_do_chocolate_men_and_coffee_have_in_common/
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Me: Wow look at that rock

Her: Boulder
Me: **𝗪𝗼𝘄 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗿𝗼𝗰𝗸**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4h1rt/me_wow_look_at_that_rock/
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A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4gwrd/a_cardiac_specialist_died_and_at_his_funeral_the/
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A man at a restaurant ordered a soup

The waitress brings it out and the man just sat there, not even having the soup he ordered. The waitress notices him not eating and a few minutes later she approaches him and asked "Is everything alright with the food?" And he just replied "try it" and she refused saying "sir it's against company policy" and asked again "is everything alright with the food?" And his only response was "Try it" he repeated it a few times with no luck but after a minute the manager walks over because he notices that his staff is at the table for a while and she asked "Is everything alright here?" And the man kept insisting that they try the soup so after a few minutes the waitress caved and said "alright where's your spoon so I can try it" and the man responds "there's the problem, I don't have one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4gvy7/a_man_at_a_restaurant_ordered_a_soup/
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The Bible has so many fantastic stories

It's unbelievable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4gpux/the_bible_has_so_many_fantastic_stories/
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I hate people who don't know the difference between lose and loose.

They immediately loose my respect for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4gohr/i_hate_people_who_dont_know_the_difference/
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The colonel in charge of the guard at the US Embassy in Berlin is told that one of his men has been taken to hospital.

On arriving at the injured soldier's bedside, the colonel asks what happened. "Sir," says the soldier, "as I was heading for my post at the start of my shift, a soldier on his way to the Russian Embassy yelled out 'President Trump is an orange-skinned pussy-grabbing moron with the brains of a three-toed sloth,' sir."
"And what did you do?" asks the colonel.
"Sir, I yelled back, 'President Putin is a corrupt election-fixing oligarch with the morals of a New Orleans whoremonger,' sir," says the soldier.
"I see," says the colonel, "and then you had a fight?"
"Sir, no, sir," says the soldier. "Sir, as we were standing in the middle of the street laughing our asses off and slapping each others' backs, we were run over by a tram, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4gj62/the_colonel_in_charge_of_the_guard_at_the_us/
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Man: You can’t give me a ticket! I have to run a marathon tomorrow.

Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4fzfr/man_you_cant_give_me_a_ticket_i_have_to_run_a/
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I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.
But our kids loved it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4frgg/i_played_sweet_home_alabama_to_my_sister_since_i/
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What do you see when a werewolf pulls down its pants?

A full moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4fjl7/what_do_you_see_when_a_werewolf_pulls_down_its/
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I just got my tickets to the fibonacci convention

This one is supposed to be as big as the last 2 years put together!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4fi0n/i_just_got_my_tickets_to_the_fibonacci_convention/
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Proud of myself, just came up with this stinker: Why did Twitter shut down Megatron's account?

Because it was discovered that most of his followers were auto bots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4fgxy/proud_of_myself_just_came_up_with_this_stinker/
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What currency do astronauts use in space?

Starbucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4f4ar/what_currency_do_astronauts_use_in_space/
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Parents: "We don't know how else to tell you. You're adopted. Your actual parents are from Alaska."

Kid: "Inuit all along!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4f32i/parents_we_dont_know_how_else_to_tell_you_youre/
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My girlfriend said that if I bought her one more stupid gift she would burn it,

So I bought her a Candle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4f2sf/my_girlfriend_said_that_if_i_bought_her_one_more/
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It's a well known fact that women are horrible at keeping secrets.

By comparison to men. By the time you've told a man your secret, he'll have already forgotten it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4f10z/its_a_well_known_fact_that_women_are_horrible_at/
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A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers
"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he broke a dude's jaw and his two arms. He is blond too. Are you sure you wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man takes a minute to think about that, turns on his barchair and says
"OK, FINE... I won't tell the joke... I don't have the time to explain that joke at least three times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4f0zw/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar_and_asks_the_barkeeper/
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What's the similarity between the twin towers and genders

There used to be two but now it's a sensitive topic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ew8x/whats_the_similarity_between_the_twin_towers_and/
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A redditor with three sons remarries

The boys have never had a step mother before. So they spend 19 hours researching pornhub, to learn how step mother/son relationships work.  When their father goes to work the next day, the first son starts furiously jerking off with his bedroom door wide open. His new mother sees him, screams, and runs away. He chases after her yelling: "You're making this weird!"  She runs into the kitchen, where the second son has installed a new sink. The stands up just as she enters, and rips off his overalls. The step mom screams and runs out, now having two of the boys chasing her. When she gets to the living room, there is the third son, holding a pizza box. He opens the box, and of course, his dick is sticking through a hole in the box. The mother runs again, and manages to fight off all the boys, trapping them in the bathroom. When the dad gets home, he asks his new wife how her day was. She says: "Terrible, I had to beat off all your sons!".  He pauses, and asks in a confused voice: "All three of them broke their arms?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4escs/a_redditor_with_three_sons_remarries/
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Why did Burt put on weight after he ate Mary Poppins' cake?

It was super calorific

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4er8l/why_did_burt_put_on_weight_after_he_ate_mary/
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A cowboy gets captured by Indians, they tell him before they kill him that he gets 3 wishes. He tells them ”I wants to talk to my horse”, so he whispers in his horses ear, it runs off and returns with a naked woman on it, he rolls his eyes and tells them he again “I want to talk to my horse!”

So he whispers in his horses ear and again it runs off and comes back with a naked woman!, again he rolls his eyes and they tell him he has one more wish!, he says “I want to talk to my horse” this time he screams into the horses ear,.. I said Posse !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ekdz/a_cowboy_gets_captured_by_indians_they_tell_him/
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Three years ago my brother came running down the stairs yelling “It’s a boy, it’s a boy!”

That’s the last time we visited Thailand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4eayh/three_years_ago_my_brother_came_running_down_the/
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For those people who haven’t played darts blindfolded...

You don’t know what you’re missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4e7yl/for_those_people_who_havent_played_darts/
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My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4e60v/my_girlfriend_is_the_square_root_of_100/
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I have a Polish friend who works as a sound engineer...

...and a Czech one too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4e0px/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_works_as_a_sound/
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What do you get when you mix a Jehovah’s Witness with a Atheist?

Someone knocking on your door for no reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4dwyb/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_jehovahs_witness/
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What did one tampon say to the other tampon

Nothing! They were both stuck up cunts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4dtiq/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
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0.81818181818 is not to be trusted.

he's got something to do with 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4dacu/081818181818_is_not_to_be_trusted/
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Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate?

A small chest with no booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4d9lq/since_were_doing_pirate_jokes_what_does_every/
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My doctor broke his hand the other day.

The worst part is that he broke it during my prostate exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4d7o6/my_doctor_broke_his_hand_the_other_day/
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Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4d67q/before_my_surgery_my_anesthetist_offered_to_knock/
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Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4d2pr/where_do_little_jokes_come_from/
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I petition that we rename classrooms to classwombs

Then maybe republicans will give a fuck about kids dying in them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4d0k7/i_petition_that_we_rename_classrooms_to_classwombs/
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4d03h/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Which department do you call when ants go missing?

Dept. of Finance
I'll see myself out now....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4czx3/which_department_do_you_call_when_ants_go_missing/
%
How did Karen survive the acid attack?

By being a basic bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ctjb/how_did_karen_survive_the_acid_attack/
%
What do you call a ranking of bowmen?

A hierarchery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4cg7v/what_do_you_call_a_ranking_of_bowmen/
%
A photon is travelling through airport security.

The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4cfwl/a_photon_is_travelling_through_airport_security/
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Why did the semen cross the road

Because I wore the wrong sock today :’(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4cdzc/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
Today I told my priest he could go fuck himself.

He then seemed kind of giddy as he asked me, “Really? They’ve worked out time travel?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4cdeq/today_i_told_my_priest_he_could_go_fuck_himself/
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A Man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a pint of less.

The bartender looks at the man confused. "What's a pint of less?"
I'm not sure says the man, but that's what my doctor said I should be drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4cc4e/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender_for/
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Growing Up

I used to have two kidneys. Then I grew up.
Now I have two adult knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4c4a1/growing_up/
%
Tell the punchline first.

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4c2wm/tell_the_punchline_first/
%
If I had to rate the Solar System

I would give it 1 star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4c23n/if_i_had_to_rate_the_solar_system/
%
What did socialists use before candles?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4bvp7/what_did_socialists_use_before_candles/
%
A magician with a fear of negative numbers went to see a therapist

She told hin that the root of his fear was imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4bv2r/a_magician_with_a_fear_of_negative_numbers_went/
%
How do you scare a bee?

Boobie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4btsd/how_do_you_scare_a_bee/
%
How long did Cain beat his brother?

As long as he was Abel too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4btlr/how_long_did_cain_beat_his_brother/
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Did you hear about the optician who fell into the lens grinder?

Yeah, he made a spectacle of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4brwc/did_you_hear_about_the_optician_who_fell_into_the/
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Stacy: You know Tracy, sometimes I dont understand life.

Tracy: What do you mean?
Stacy: When we were a younger, we learnt to talk and to walk. At school, we always have to sit down and shut up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4bhos/stacy_you_know_tracy_sometimes_i_dont_understand/
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Finished!

An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while… He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause. She replies, “No.” Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.” Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?” “No. I’m Swedish.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4bfus/finished/
%
When I was in 2nd grade, my dog Brick was hit by a car and killed, and my mom tried to console me. She said, "He's probably already in Heaven with God."

I said, "Why would God want a dead dog?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4b98a/when_i_was_in_2nd_grade_my_dog_brick_was_hit_by_a/
%
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn't stop making jokes about oral sex.

I said "That's hard to swallow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4b6r8/my_girlfriend_warned_me_she_would_break_up_if_i/
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A guy is walking into a bar...

Guy: " Give me a beer, you son of a b***".
Bartender: "Here's your beer, but next time be more polite or I will nail you to the wall up there."
On the next day. The guy walks into the same bar and politely asks "I beg your pardon, Sir. Do you have a hammer and some nails?"
Bartender: *confused* "No I don't."
Guy: "Well then, give me a beer you son of a b****."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4b6g8/a_guy_is_walking_into_a_bar/
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Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?

Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4b3ha/why_did_no_one_say_anything_when_the_queen_farted/
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My grandfather was in the air force in the Second World War, surviving over 30 combat missions in hostile airspace.

He was by far the worst pilot of the entire Kamikaze corps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4arim/my_grandfather_was_in_the_air_force_in_the_second/
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3 Words Better than I Love You?.

How about Anal?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4alwt/3_words_better_than_i_love_you/
%
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater

About a week later he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4akk1/i_bought_my_blind_friend_a_cheese_grater/
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Bill Clinton and the Pope

both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven.
When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton.
Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?"
"Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary."
“Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4ah9k/bill_clinton_and_the_pope/
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Picked up two HOT girls on valentines day ...

First time i ever had two HOT GIRLS at the same time.
I love driving for UBER.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4a2p3/picked_up_two_hot_girls_on_valentines_day/
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Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice *juuust* right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4a2lz/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_having_sex_with_a/
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A detective goes to a metal manufacturing plant...

He is there to investigate the death of a factory owner. The man was an esteemed author and visionary, who unfortunately was crushed to death in his factory. The detective approaches a worker for information.
“What was the product of this facility?”
“The owner loved words, and was obsessed with making large models of letters, sometimes up to 10ft high!”
“So what was the cause of his death? What fell on him?”
“The Iron E”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4a1k6/a_detective_goes_to_a_metal_manufacturing_plant/
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How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was a kid?

Moved the furniture around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4a1b2/how_did_helen_kellers_parents_punish_her_when_she/
%
Best pick up line for 2020

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The FBI wants to steal my penis,
Can I hide it inside you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4a0pm/best_pick_up_line_for_2020/
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You hear about the cellphone towers that got married?

It was a nice ceremony, but the reception was *amazing.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f49zny/you_hear_about_the_cellphone_towers_that_got/
%
Man goes to the doctor

Doctor: we had to remove your colon
Me why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f49v8r/man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
An emo and a leaf fall from a tree, who hits the ground first?

The leaf, the rope stopped the emo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f49gzz/an_emo_and_a_leaf_fall_from_a_tree_who_hits_the/
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My Valentine's day night

My wife came home and looked at me.  She tells me totake off her blouse, so I did.  Now take off my bra, so I did.  Now, take off my pants and panties.  I did that as well.
As I'm standing there naked see says stop wearing my clothes you're stretching them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f49d4i/my_valentines_day_night/
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I got laid Yesterday.

His name was life and BOI did he Fuck me Hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f49712/i_got_laid_yesterday/
%
Only Wednesday

One day the president holds a speech to a huge group of people:
“From now on everybody is only going to work on Wednesdays”.
Hearing the news, everyone starts cheering with joy and happiness. After a few minutes, one guy from the crowd asks:
“Every Wednesday?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f496aw/only_wednesday/
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My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f48pv1/my_mother_always_used_to_say_the_way_to_a_mans/
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What do you call a belt with a clock on it?

A waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f48out/what_do_you_call_a_belt_with_a_clock_on_it/
%
What do you call a Bee thats returned from the dead?

A zombee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f48m9l/what_do_you_call_a_bee_thats_returned_from_the/
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“I hate Valentine’s Day”

Why’s that?
“Every year my husband brings home some shitty supermarket flowers and expects me to lay on my back and spread my legs.”
Can I recommend getting a vase?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f48bac/i_hate_valentines_day/
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals

IM LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f487jd/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_and_500/
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Holocaust survivor dies

He goes before God and starts telling him holocaust jokes.
God says “My son I don’t know what you’re doing, but this isn’t funny.”
The man says”Oh well, I guess you had to be there.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4867i/holocaust_survivor_dies/
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How do you find a blind man at a nudist beach?

It’s not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f485ay/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_at_a_nudist_beach/
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My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4852j/my_elderly_relatives_liked_to_tease_me_at/
%
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy

“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f482gj/a_man_walks_into_a_rooftop_bar_and_takes_a_seat/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4811n/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_is/
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BECOMING AMERICAN

Two Saudi brothers come to America and one buys a house on the west coast and the other on the east coast. They are so excited about being Americans and during their goodbyes they make a $10,000 bet: in two months they will meet again and the one that is the most American wins.
Two months pass and they meet again.
“Ismael! It’s so good to see you. Take a look. I have a Ford 350 dually 4x4 with lifts and a sticker of a cartoon character pissing on the Chevy symbol. It has a gun rack in the back and my son needs a step ladder to get in. Have you seen him?! He loves McDonalds and he’s already gained 25 pounds!  My wife watches Maury and smokes and follows all these Facebook groups. She won’t even vaccinate my baby girl. I surely won the bet!”
His brother replies: “Shut the fuck up towel head”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f47yal/becoming_american/
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Who shaves 10 times a day and still has a beard?

The barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f47tbs/who_shaves_10_times_a_day_and_still_has_a_beard/
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I had a great idea for a belt made completely out of watches.

I gave up once I realized it would be a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f47nlt/i_had_a_great_idea_for_a_belt_made_completely_out/
%
I love jokes about unvaccinated children

They just never grow old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f47k5q/i_love_jokes_about_unvaccinated_children/
%
What do you call a fake phone?

A phony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f476o9/what_do_you_call_a_fake_phone/
%
Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?

He's going to he'll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f474st/did_you_know_autocorrect_was_invented_by_an/
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What happened to the single IT technician when he tried to flirt with a barista at a cafe?

He was unable to make a connection to the server

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f46z53/what_happened_to_the_single_it_technician_when_he/
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You've got to hand it to Corona

They really know how to do a viral marketing campaign

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f46sh8/youve_got_to_hand_it_to_corona/
%
My uncle drank way too much..

his wife told him that she would leave if he came home drunk again. Of course he goes out again, gets blind drunk, and vomits all over himself. He tells his buddy, “I can’t go home like this, she’ll leave me”. His friend gives him a $20 and says, “Put this in your pocket, and tell her that somebody threw up on you, and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So, he gets home and his wife flips, and he explains the vomit and the $20 bill.
“But i found two $20 bills in your jacket” she says.
“Oh, the other one is from the guy that shat in my pants!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f46ocz/my_uncle_drank_way_too_much/
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Did you know Helen Keller had a tree house?

Neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f46hc4/did_you_know_helen_keller_had_a_tree_house/
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The Three Legged Pig

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.
“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.
“Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbor drawled.
“No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!”
“So that’s how he lost his leg”, stated the neighbor.
“No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed.
Exasperated, the neighbor demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?” and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f46fkp/the_three_legged_pig/
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John F Kennedy was just "John Kennedy" From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963

They only added the F after he died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f46c34/john_f_kennedy_was_just_john_kennedy_from_may_29/
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Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite.
"Tastes like orange juice! This is amazing! Now if only you could make it taste like pussy!"
The scientist gives a look as he stands up and leaves the bar. The bartender feels bad assuming he offended the scientist. Several months later the scientist comes running into the bar screaming, " I did it! I did it! I made this apple taste like pussy!"
Excited the bartender grabs it out of his hand and takes a bite. Groaning with disgust he spits it out all over the floor. "Yuck this tastes like shit!"
The scientist smiles and says," turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4669i/scientist_walks_into_bar_with_an_apple/
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I truly believe that conflicts in the Wild West could have been avoided completely

If architects those days made their towns big enough for everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f45zlf/i_truly_believe_that_conflicts_in_the_wild_west/
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According to Whitney Houston, what is the most important form of co-ordination?

HAND EYEEE-E-EYE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f45sm7/according_to_whitney_houston_what_is_the_most/
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Why didn’t congress impeach Trump ?

Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f45kdl/why_didnt_congress_impeach_trump/
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How much did the Cats movie cost to make?

Just the artistic integrity of everyone involved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f45jpk/how_much_did_the_cats_movie_cost_to_make/
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What happened to the profiterole who went to divorce court?

She got full custardy.
I missed my cake day but there's my shit joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f45jkx/what_happened_to_the_profiterole_who_went_to/
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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie...

The man decided to try it out at dinner.
Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son.
Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Kung Fu Panda
The robot slaps the son again.
Son: Ok! It was a porno.
Dad: What!? When I was your age I didnt even know what porno was.
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: HAHAHAHAHA. He is your son after all!
The robot slaps the mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f454ug/a_man_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps_you/
%
What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f454tp/whats_beethovens_favorite_fruit/
%
How to get the wool of a very very rare sheep?

With shear luck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f452ty/how_to_get_the_wool_of_a_very_very_rare_sheep/
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The Music Lover

A man named John falls in love with a famous violinist who came to town.  He goes to all of her shows and tries to see if she has a lover. At each show, she arrives with one man and leaves with another. To his surprise, he never saw her with the same man twice.
Finally, during her final night in town, John had a front row seat. He watched her enter with yet another new man. She played the most amazing performance yet, but stunningly, she never took her eyes off John, and not a glance at the man she came in with.
"This is my chance," he thought, and approached her after the show. "Miss, I saw you watching me tonight. I felt as if you were playing just for me. Tell me, do you have a lover?"
The famous violinist smiled at him and said "I straddle various."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f451hp/the_music_lover/
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I don't have an addiction to alcohol, alcohol has an addiction to me,

whenever alcohol is with me, it gets drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f44y8o/i_dont_have_an_addiction_to_alcohol_alcohol_has/
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What’s the difference between an asshole and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f44vxe/whats_the_difference_between_an_asshole_and_a/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f44uwy/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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She loves me... She loves me not... She loves me... She loves me not..

Happy Ambivalentine‘s day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f44ryg/she_loves_me_she_loves_me_not_she_loves_me_she/
%
What is the official song of patriarchy?

It's Reigning Men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f44att/what_is_the_official_song_of_patriarchy/
%
What is a telescope's favorite language?

Farsi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f43rh7/what_is_a_telescopes_favorite_language/
%
Oxygen and Magnesium went on a date

Everyone was like “OMg!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f433wu/oxygen_and_magnesium_went_on_a_date/
%
She kept screaming: "Give it to me, Give it to me, I'm so WET!"

So i responded:  "You can scream all you want, but I won't give you my umbrella"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f42u2n/she_kept_screaming_give_it_to_me_give_it_to_me_im/
%
My daughter tells everyone how proud she is of her two dads

My wife and I are somewhat less excited about our cross-eyes daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f42j6i/my_daughter_tells_everyone_how_proud_she_is_of/
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What do four Irishmen do when they drink together?

They get a fifth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f42hym/what_do_four_irishmen_do_when_they_drink_together/
%
What happens when a witch goes for a race?

Broom Broom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f42hhg/what_happens_when_a_witch_goes_for_a_race/
%
What do you call it when you misspell the word blood?

A type-o

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f42chu/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_misspell_the_word/
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My wife and I have been married for 30 years and have almost had sex every night!

We almost had sex last month, we almost had sex last week, we almost had sex last night and tonight will probably be more of the same.
Happy Valentines Day everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f425tz/my_wife_and_i_have_been_married_for_30_years_and/
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The corona virus won’t last long

Because it’s made in China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f4247m/the_corona_virus_wont_last_long/
%
#871: Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.
"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f42363/871_several_centuries_ago_the_pope_decreed_that/
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Where did little Susie go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f41v59/where_did_little_susie_go_during_the_bombing/
%
I hired an odd-job man and gave him a list of ten things to do.

He only did 1,3,5,7, and 9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f41u5r/i_hired_an_oddjob_man_and_gave_him_a_list_of_ten/
%
I sometimes wish that the grass on my lawn was emo.

Then it would cut itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f41rg2/i_sometimes_wish_that_the_grass_on_my_lawn_was_emo/
%
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f41lff/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f41kpz/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby_the_driver/
%
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"
The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f41iio/a_guy_is_due_to_meet_his_friends_for_drink_at_a/
%
Why do we have diaper brands named "Huggies, luvs and Depends?

When a baby shits themselves we will still "Hug" and "love" them.
When an old person shits themselves it "depends" who is on the will...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f41dpb/why_do_we_have_diaper_brands_named_huggies_luvs/
%
I got a highly contagious viral infection from online communities.

It must be all those social media influenzas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f416yk/i_got_a_highly_contagious_viral_infection_from/
%
I have lost 8 pounds!

My sister is less pleased, though. In fact, she is absolutely livid and telling me to find her newborn baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f40x22/i_have_lost_8_pounds/
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Donald duck walks into a bar...

Donald duck walks into a bar to escape the rain and orders a shot of wild Turkey. The bartender hands him his shot and Sparks up a conversation with the duck.
"Hi Mr duck how is your day going," asks the bartender?
"Oh I'm doing good bartender. I'm in and out of puddles all day and living the life as a duck."
While Donald is downing his shot, Ronald duck walks into the bar and orders a shot of wild turkey. The bartender pours him his shot and ask Ronald how his day is going.
"Living the dream" Ronald says, "I've been in and out of puddles all day long. What more could a duck ask for?"
The bartender, questioning why 2 ducks just walked into her bar, goes to clean some tables. When she gets back from cleaning, a good looking female duck walks into the bar. The female duck sits down and orders a shot of wild turkey. "Here's your shot ma'am" says the bartender, "let me guess, you must be puddles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f40r1i/donald_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre existing condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f40puu/my_health_insurance_company_refused_to_pay_my/
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Do you have a date for Valentine's Day

Yes, it's February 14th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3zaxh/do_you_have_a_date_for_valentines_day/
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If you ever see a toilet in your dreams...

...don't use it !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3z8io/if_you_ever_see_a_toilet_in_your_dreams/
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I've created the world's best labyrinth

It's a mazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3z77c/ive_created_the_worlds_best_labyrinth/
%
Why did the pharaohs marriage fall apart?

Pyramid Scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3z730/why_did_the_pharaohs_marriage_fall_apart/
%
When I was an enthusiastic 25-year-old I was once chatting to an older woman in a bar...

...she must have been mid-40s if she was a day, but she had taken really good care of herself, she was dressed to kill, and she was confident, secure in herself, and knew what she wanted.
Anyway as the evening wore on it became clearer and clearer what was on both our minds, and towards closing time she leaned towards me, twirled her finger around the rim of her glass, and murmured "Tell me... have you ever had sex with a mother and her daughter at the same time?"
I daren't imagine what my face looked like, but she followed up with "Want to give it a try?" and I said to myself, this is a night you're never going to forget.
So we went back to her house, she lets herself in, beckons me inside, and calls up the stairs "Mum? Are you awake?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3yw1v/when_i_was_an_enthusiastic_25yearold_i_was_once/
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What do you call it when the goddess of knowledge as no friends?

Pal-less Athena

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ytdp/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_goddess_of_knowledge/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3yr6w/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is.”
Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3yh4i/son_daddy_i_have_to_write_a_special_report_for/
%
Did you hear about the writer who became a baker?

They say he makes excellent synonym rolls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ygb2/did_you_hear_about_the_writer_who_became_a_baker/
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Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

C’mon man, you can’t tell me this is a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3yfus/two_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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I always hated the show Naked & Afraid

It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3y8x1/i_always_hated_the_show_naked_afraid/
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I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.
Good times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3y7vc/i_love_valentines_day_the_bottle_of_wine_the/
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What did one ass cheek say to the other?

If we stick together we can stop this shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3y6i0/what_did_one_ass_cheek_say_to_the_other/
%
No wonder Pride month is in June...

It always comes before the Fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3y69c/no_wonder_pride_month_is_in_june/
%
What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of helium?

HeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3y3vk/what_did_the_scientist_say_when_he_found_two/
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Why do scuba divers fall out of the boat backwards?

Well, if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3y1rz/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_out_of_the_boat_backwards/
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A Valentine's day haiku for you all....

Love is in the air,
So is coronavirus,
Wash your fucking hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3xw4a/a_valentines_day_haiku_for_you_all/
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3xg7o/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
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I'm worried about my flatmate. In the last week he has recently just purchased himself a new Ford, Tesla, BMW, Toyota

I think he might have a car owner virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3xa2r/im_worried_about_my_flatmate_in_the_last_week_he/
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I like my coffee like my women...

...Without a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3xa1o/i_like_my_coffee_like_my_women/
%
A senior citizen was driving down the freeway

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3x56p/a_senior_citizen_was_driving_down_the_freeway/
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Why don't ants catch colds?

They have tiny anty bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3wzg3/why_dont_ants_catch_colds/
%
Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline?

**Jerry can.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3wr34/who_can_drink_2_liters_of_gasoline/
%
What is it that separates humans from inanimate objects like shoes?

Soles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3wnhw/what_is_it_that_separates_humans_from_inanimate/
%
They say the camera adds ten pounds...

I'm sitting accross from my date and wondering how many she's eaten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3wgel/they_say_the_camera_adds_ten_pounds/
%
Why did Thor cover Iron Man's back?

Because he is an Asgardian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3wg7u/why_did_thor_cover_iron_mans_back/
%
None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?

It’s when a British person takes a good look at something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3wd94/none_of_you_actually_know_what_a_propaganda_is_do/
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They say eating a clock is time consuming

But I just wanna watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3wc97/they_say_eating_a_clock_is_time_consuming/
%
What kind of trees are telephone poles made from?

Tall ones
Overheard from an old man at McDonald's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3wa2k/what_kind_of_trees_are_telephone_poles_made_from/
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Did you hear about the horse running for President?

He's promising a stable economy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3w569/did_you_hear_about_the_horse_running_for_president/
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William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his line of ladies underwear...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" probably wasn't the best name  choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3vvw9/william_shatner_alias_captain_kirk_has/
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It’s not that I’m always horny

It’s just that you’re always beautiful!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3vm5z/its_not_that_im_always_horny/
%
I saw a guy with a turban coughing his brains out

I think he might be Sikh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3vhen/i_saw_a_guy_with_a_turban_coughing_his_brains_out/
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Seeing as it’s Valentine’s Day I popped the question this morning to my girlfriend.

“So you gonna take it up the arse or what then?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3vb3m/seeing_as_its_valentines_day_i_popped_the/
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I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago....

...since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3v8zz/i_started_carrying_a_gun_after_an_attempted/
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Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous...

... I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3v34j/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts_anonymous/
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A panda walks into a bar

He says to the bartender "I'll have a vodka and a ........................ coke"
Bartender says to him "what's the big pause all about?"
Panda goes "fuck knows pal I was born with them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3uy9x/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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Don't worry about missing a shot after yelling "Kobe"...

He didn't make it either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3umwx/dont_worry_about_missing_a_shot_after_yelling_kobe/
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Plan for Unlimited Free labor

1. Create online profile of 16 year old girl.
2. Chat with men and tell them my dad will not be home.
3. When 2 guys show up, answer the door as 'dad' with print outs of chat logs.
4. Point to piles of dirt and shovels in the yard.
5. It isn't false advertising to say that I need 2 big men to fill both my holes at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ulf2/plan_for_unlimited_free_labor/
%
What rock is a 6.9 on the Mohs Hardness Scale?

Gneiss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ujt3/what_rock_is_a_69_on_the_mohs_hardness_scale/
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2 lovers are walking by a grave site when the mood hits them ....

They can't contain themselves and decided to duck into the yard for a little enjoyment of each other.  Looking around they decided to head over to one of the flat stones on the ground and do their business.  A few days later the woman complained about her lower back hurting, being that she was mainly on the bottom, and scheduled an appointment with her doctor.
.
After filling out the forms, the woman eventually has her examination and waits for the doctor to come back in with the results.  With a worried look in his face, he asks her "how old did you say you were?"  The woman replies, "I'm 22, why?"  The doctor responds, "well, because on your ass it says you died in 1957."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ue6z/2_lovers_are_walking_by_a_grave_site_when_the/
%
My girlfriend wanted to split up because I can't stop pretending to be a detective.

I told her "Good idea, we can cover more ground that way"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3u7xz/my_girlfriend_wanted_to_split_up_because_i_cant/
%
A chemistry lab is like a big party!

Some people drop acid while others drop the base

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3u58i/a_chemistry_lab_is_like_a_big_party/
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My girlfriend said to me

“I’ve had a ‘special haircut’ as it’s Valentine’s Day, and you know what that means” and winked.
I thought to myself - yeah, the drain’s blocked again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3u4j8/my_girlfriend_said_to_me/
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My teacher told us she was going to have a baby, but now she cries when we say her name.

I don't know what's wrong with Ms. Carriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ty8u/my_teacher_told_us_she_was_going_to_have_a_baby/
%
A black man and a parrot walk into and bar, the guy asks the bartender for a drink. Then the bartender asks "Where did ya get it?"

"Africa," says the parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3tt4n/a_black_man_and_a_parrot_walk_into_and_bar_the/
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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short-lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three-second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ts9p/pocket_tazer_stun_gun_a_great_gift_for_the_wife/
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Women will never be equal to men...

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3trtc/women_will_never_be_equal_to_men/
%
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he is
smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer
from LONDON and is certain that he has a
better education than any Irish cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says,"License and registration,
please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete
stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no
one was coming."
Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a com-
plete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte
come to complete stop, that's the law. License
and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the
legal difference between slow down and stop,
I'll give you my license and registration and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and
don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle,
sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts
beating the living shit out of the lawyer and
says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow
down? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3tqfg/a_london_lawyer_runs_a_stop_sign_and_gets_pulled/
%
For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my granny dies, now this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3tpx9/for_the_past_twenty_years_ive_received_a/
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2 drunks walking down a country lane

.
" I don't believe it , a man is buried there who was 150 years old "
"What was his name ?"
"Miles from London "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3toyz/2_drunks_walking_down_a_country_lane/
%
A young boy sat at a bus stop eating a chocolate bar.

When he finished he reached in his pocket, drew out another and ate it too. He then pulled out a 3rd bar and began to unwrap it.
A woman sitting next to him said "all that chocolate will make you fat and ruin your teeth."
The boy replied "My grandfather lived to be 126 years old."
Surprised, the woman asked "From eating chocolates?"
"No" the boy answered, "But he always minded his own business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3tnqq/a_young_boy_sat_at_a_bus_stop_eating_a_chocolate/
%
A man and his date are out on Valenhtines Day

They stop by a liquor store , he picks out 2 bottles of vodka and goes to pay for them. The cashier looks at them and asks "would you like a bag?" the man looks at his date then back at the cashier and replies "I think the vodka will work, but thanks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3tgsv/a_man_and_his_date_are_out_on_valenhtines_day/
%
What is the difference between you and a calendar? The calendar has dates.

Happy valentines everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3tgem/what_is_the_difference_between_you_and_a_calendar/
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I named my eraser Confidence...

It gets smaller with every mistake I make

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3tcov/i_named_my_eraser_confidence/
%
So the state trooper said "I've been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn't you pull over?"

and I said, "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3tcdg/so_the_state_trooper_said_ive_been_following_you/
%
I'm not a racist, I love all races equally

Nascar, Formula 1, Mario Kart......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3t86z/im_not_a_racist_i_love_all_races_equally/
%
Just incase you were thinking of buying a boat

I hear they have a sail on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3t2za/just_incase_you_were_thinking_of_buying_a_boat/
%
Little known fact: Jesus was most probably a student.

* He still lived with his parents
* Long, uncut hair
* And if he did something for once, it was a miracle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3t21p/little_known_fact_jesus_was_most_probably_a/
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Looking to join a Heavy Metal band...

...I play the lead guitar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3t0fy/looking_to_join_a_heavy_metal_band/
%
In the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

Fucking large ones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3svry/in_the_event_of_a_fire_what_steps_should_you_take/
%
A man in a Uber car sees a hot young nun passing down the street

The man tells his driver:
\-Look at that nun, I can't help to be sad that a girl like her made a chastity vote.
He answers:
\-Ah, I know her! There is an easy way to fuck her: You dress up like Jesus when it's very dark and ask her for sex, works every single time.
Late that night, the man shows up to her in a Jesus costume and asks for sex, the nun answers:
\-My lord, I swore to save myself, can you put in my bum again so I don't break my vote?
The accepts, in the middle of the sex, the man felt very very guilty, he stops, take off the Jesus costume and says:
\-I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm tricking you, I'm not Jesus.
The nun answers in a very different tone of voice:
\-That's cool, I am not a nun either, I'm an Uber driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3sezp/a_man_in_a_uber_car_sees_a_hot_young_nun_passing/
%
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3sblu/my_housemates_are_convinced_our_house_is_haunted/
%
I saw my wife slightly drunk, yelling at the TV :”Don’t go in the church, you moron”

She’s watching our wedding video again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3s8z5/i_saw_my_wife_slightly_drunk_yelling_at_the_tv/
%
Last night, my girlfriend dramatically ripped the blankets off me...

Don’t worry I’ll recover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3s6jq/last_night_my_girlfriend_dramatically_ripped_the/
%
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3s2bn/not_to_brag_but_i_have_sychic_powers/
%
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3rxd9/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_sits_at_a_table_and_orders/
%
In Latin America, Valentine's Day is called “The Day of Love and Friendship”

Because you want love, but she wants friendship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ruxv/in_latin_america_valentines_day_is_called_the_day/
%
If you are arguing with your sex partner...

You are actually wasting your fucking time .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ru9m/if_you_are_arguing_with_your_sex_partner/
%
Thank god Canada’s not the super power

or we’d all be sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3rqha/thank_god_canadas_not_the_super_power/
%
One Sunday, in a church...

...the preacher said out loud: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And the congregation shouted,"Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."
And the congregation shouted,"Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."
Again the congregation shouted, "Amen!"
The preacher sat down. The deacon then stood up & said: "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, "We shall drink from that river."
The congregation shouted, "HALLELUJAH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ro18/one_sunday_in_a_church/
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Lighter

There are 3 guys on a boat with cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3rk69/lighter/
%
I had to disable the lane departure warning on my new car.

It kept going off at random times, for no reason, and it was distracting me from my texting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3rcy1/i_had_to_disable_the_lane_departure_warning_on_my/
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Why do the older ants go up the side of the mountain and the younger ants go down the side of the mountain?

Because they're descendants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3rckz/why_do_the_older_ants_go_up_the_side_of_the/
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How did the police know that the mononucleosis virus was murdered?

Because the Epstein-Barr virus didn’t kill himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3rcgr/how_did_the_police_know_that_the_mononucleosis/
%
I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' DVD

It was here a minute ago
Edit : Fixed the spelling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ratz/i_cant_find_my_gone_in_60_seconds_dvd/
%
Two corn cobs walked down the street,

One was then hit by a car. At the hospital, the doctor said to the other corn, “I have good news and bad news,”
“Good news is your friend is going to pull through.”
“Bad news is he’s going to be a vegetable”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3r561/two_corn_cobs_walked_down_the_street/
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My wife always takes a long time to shower after we watch a Chris Pratt movie.

I don't know what she's doing in there but it gives me enough time to jerk off to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3qoex/my_wife_always_takes_a_long_time_to_shower_after/
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I used to be indecisive

But now I'm not so sure.
(Yes I stole it from Alan Partridge)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3qi4y/i_used_to_be_indecisive/
%
I really don't understand why people like traffic jams...

But apparently they are lining up for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3qfie/i_really_dont_understand_why_people_like_traffic/
%
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.I'll never forget the pain of my first  kid knee stones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3qfhn/when_i_was_a_young_boy_i_was_walking_down_a/
%
Mike walked into a Post Office just before Valentine’s Day

He couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.  The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asked Mike.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3q8c7/mike_walked_into_a_post_office_just_before/
%
My grandpa said that we youngsters rely on technology too much

I replied "no, you do" and unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3pyvy/my_grandpa_said_that_we_youngsters_rely_on/
%
I lost my virginity today...

I wish i can post this in another subreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3px9k/i_lost_my_virginity_today/
%
There's love without sex and there's sex without love...

Then there's You, without either.
Happy Valentines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3pudj/theres_love_without_sex_and_theres_sex_without/
%
My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3pswk/my_wife_just_called_me/
%
What do you call sex offender semen?

Monster's ink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3pqoq/what_do_you_call_sex_offender_semen/
%
I’ve got some racing geese for sale.

Let me know if you want a quick gander

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ppmm/ive_got_some_racing_geese_for_sale/
%
Happy alentine's ay you all!

For those of you not getting the v or the d

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3pogz/happy_alentines_ay_you_all/
%
2 Chinese in USA

One day 2 Chinese with broken English goes to America. When they arrive they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu they see “hot dog” but since their English is bad, they think its literally a roasted dog and they order it. When it comes they both get suprised and one of them asks
”Which part of the dog did you get”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3pn4h/2_chinese_in_usa/
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Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ph3a/doctor_says_to_the_patient_your_coughing_sounds/
%
What do you call a muslim insect?

A mosque-ito

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3pfsu/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_insect/
%
The only thing flat earthers fear

Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3p1jt/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
%
Ana is no longer allowed to the fruit market.

Banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3oswi/ana_is_no_longer_allowed_to_the_fruit_market/
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A university student was sent to help increase the production of apples in a village.

He went their and met a farmer. He pointed at a tree and asked,"is that tree yours?"
The farmer said,"yes."
The student asked,"How much apple did you get from that tree last year?"
The farmer replied,"not a single one."
The student happily said,"I knew it. The soil is of very poor quality. You have to use at least 5 types of fertilizers and artificial hormones. Also use pesticides and weedicides when needed. After a year, I am sure you will get many apples from that tree."
The farmer listened to him carefully, and then said," I am sure I won't even get a single apple from that tree after using all these."
The student asked,"why?"
The farmer replied," because that is an apricot tree."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ojgh/a_university_student_was_sent_to_help_increase/
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Grandma fought hard to be cremated.

She urned it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3oevv/grandma_fought_hard_to_be_cremated/
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Politicians and diapers must be changed often,

and mostly for the same reason...
They're full of sh\*t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3oe2w/politicians_and_diapers_must_be_changed_often/
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Depression Era Prostitute NSFW

Three generations of prostitutes were hanging out on the street corner talking about their day.
The youngest complains “I just sucked that guy off and all I got was a lousy $50!”
The middle aged one says “$50?!?! Hell, when I was your age I would be thrilled with $10!”
The eldest says “Y’all are a bunch of whiny bitches. Back in my day you were just happy to have something warm in your stomach.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3oall/depression_era_prostitute_nsfw/
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I usually feed Tums to ants

Because it's like antacid to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3nwd2/i_usually_feed_tums_to_ants/
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One time I decided to rob a clock store

I ended up taking a lot of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3nngk/one_time_i_decided_to_rob_a_clock_store/
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What do you call an imitation Limo driver?

A Faux-ffeur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3nm33/what_do_you_call_an_imitation_limo_driver/
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Just saw an ad for a coffin

Thought to myself. Well that’s the last thing I need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3nlly/just_saw_an_ad_for_a_coffin/
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Me: When is the baby due?

Pregnant librarian: Oh, this is mine. I get to keep it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3nbfa/me_when_is_the_baby_due/
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What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3n9vh/what_do_a_nearsighted_gynecologist_and_a_puppy/
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What's the difference between Hitler and epstein

Hitler killed himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3n9en/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_epstein/
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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The bartender asks. “Olive or Twist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3n8jw/charles_dickens_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a/
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I'm hosting an event for men who have trouble ejaculating

If you can't come, let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3n855/im_hosting_an_event_for_men_who_have_trouble/
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What do Asian Cannibals eat?

Raw-men!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3mus0/what_do_asian_cannibals_eat/
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An Englishmen, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street magician perform his routine from a good distance away. Half way through, the magician looks around and notices how far away the men are and asks, "Can you see me ok?"

"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3mf0n/an_englishmen_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3m9go/what_did_kermit_the_frog_say_at_jim_hensons/
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Four nuns die and walk the stairs to the pearly gates of heaven

.
They're in a queue waiting to get in, when St. Peter walks up to one and asks her to confess her sins.
The first nun confesses, "Well one time, I touched the penis of a man with one hand."
So St. Peter replies, "Ok, you see this bowl of holy water here. Wash your hand, and then you can pass through the pearly gates."
She does so and passes through.
Then St. Peter walks to the second nun and asks her to confess her sins
The second nun somberly confesses, "Once, I touched the dick of a man with both hands."
St. Peter replies, "Ok, wash both hands in the holy water, and then you can go to heaven, your sins will be forgiven"
She does so and passes through.
Suddenly there is a fight between the last two nuns. St. Peter goes toward them, splits them up and asks, "What is this about?"
One of the nun's says, "I wanna gargle in the water, before she washes her ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3m8b6/four_nuns_die_and_walk_the_stairs_to_the_pearly/
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Someone is stabbed every 3 seconds in the US.

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3m5vo/someone_is_stabbed_every_3_seconds_in_the_us/
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My wife hates the fact that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3m2n9/my_wife_hates_the_fact_that_i_have_no_sense_of/
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My grandma once said to me...

"Come here Sonny"
I said, "Why?"
She said, "Just get over here."
"I went over to her and she said,"Here's $5 and don't tell your mother I gave it to you."
I told her,"Its going to cost you more than that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3m28g/my_grandma_once_said_to_me/
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I’m not sure what this “Valentines Day” thing is...

Does it mean the day before “Half-Price-Chocolate Day?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3m1mc/im_not_sure_what_this_valentines_day_thing_is/
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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3lxz5/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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I bumped into my old teacher and was sad when she didn't recognize me

I was home schooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3lwz8/i_bumped_into_my_old_teacher_and_was_sad_when_she/
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#1877: A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ls33/1877_a_fifteenyearold_amish_boy_and_his_father/
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I went to the wrong funeral

It was a grave mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3llna/i_went_to_the_wrong_funeral/
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A guy comes home from work,

He flops down in his favorite chair and yells, "Honey! Bring me a beer before it starts!" His wife br8ngs him a beer and he chugs it down. A few minutes later, "Honey, bring me another beer before it starts!" She reluctantly brings him a second beer and he chugs it down. Soon, he yells once more, "Honey!" She stomps into the den, throws the beer at him and screams, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! EVERYDAY YOU COME HOME AND IT'S THE SAME ROUTINE-"
He moans, "AAAAAnnnnnd it started!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3li2g/a_guy_comes_home_from_work/
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Young naive couple

A young naïve newlywed couple from rural China decided to move to America to start a new life with nothing but big dreams and the love for each other.  They arrived at their new home in rural Minnesota, and although they were happy and still in love, the first couple of months were difficult.  They didn’t know any English and sadly there were no other Chinese immigrants around to talk to.  Plus the husband was busy at his new job, which often had him away from home for days. Now the young lil wife was supportive and grateful her husband was trying so hard to improve their new life, but soon started getting depressed and lonely, as she had no friends to talk to.  One day while she was hanging her laundry, her next door neighbor, a middle aged tall black man with a kind face who lived only with his pet Golden Retriever, offered her some lemonade.  Although she couldn’t understand him, she was grateful for the kindness he offered and they soon became friends.
A few months passed and it was the couple’s one year anniversary. It had been 2 weeks since she last saw him. Her heart was pumping with excitement all day as she prepared her husband’s favorite dishes, put on her nicest dress and waited and waited. But sadly he called and told her his office had suddenly sent him to Chicago for an emergency.
She was too crestfallen so she went over to her neighbor’s house to vent and a good cry.  The kind neighbor silently listened to her and gave her his shoulder to cry on.  After some talking and some wine, they both realized they were just two lonely souls.  They at first hesitated but they embraced and let their emotions take over.  They made passionate love multiple times that night.
Afterward, the girl returned home and was contemplating what just happened and what she had done, suddenly her husband flung the doors opened and came running in to give her a big hug.  “I realized you are the important thing in my life and I told my boss fuck Chicago, I’m going home to be with my wife!” She was elated to see him all the while feeling guilty but also didn’t want her husband to find out what happened.“Wifey, as an anniversary present, I brought home something special!” She opened the ribboned box and it was full of fancy multi scented, multi-colored condoms.  “Now which one do you want to try first? My pick is the blueberry Blue.” the husband asked, noticeably very excited.  As the girl was still very very naïve, she was worried her neighbor’s semen would be black and would have left a mark on her body. But she had a brilliant plan. “I want to try the Black One!” she shouted, thinking if they used a black condom, he wouldn’t notice. After some more convincing, they decided on black and made passionate love.
A few months had passed and to the couple’s great joy, the girl was pregnant and soon it was time to give birth. At the hospital, “It’s a healthy boy!” the doctor proclaimed as he handed the baby to the new mother.  But to the couple’s surprise, the baby was black! The husband angrily shouted, “What the hell is going on!  Why does he not look like me!?!” The girl quickly came up with another brilliant lie.  “I must have gotten pregnant when we used the black condom that night.  That condom must have been defective!” The husband who was also very very naïve reluctantly believed her story and never gave it a second thought.
6 years passed and the boy grew big and healthy.  The couple decided to finally go visit China and show off their healthy boy to their hometown friends and family.  The next day, after letting the boy play outside, he came running home crying.  “What’s wrong my son?” the dad asked. “Daddy, all the other kids made fun of me because I’m black!” the boy answered in between sobbing breaths.
The dad looked straight into the boy’s eyes and in his best comforting voice replied, “My son, be thankful you are black. If you were unlucky, you could have ended up a fucking Hedgehog!”
I heard this 20 years ago.  In the original, the ending was a Smurf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3l68l/young_naive_couple/
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I tried to learn what clandestine means.

Turns out it's a secret.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3l5rl/i_tried_to_learn_what_clandestine_means/
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What do you call an interrupted wedding at a shooting range?

Near Mrs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3l3qa/what_do_you_call_an_interrupted_wedding_at_a/
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Wife : "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment to cheer me up"

"You have perfect eyesight"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3kxlx/wife_i_look_fat_can_you_give_me_a_compliment_to/
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Did you hear about the guy arrested for excavating in his back yard?

He was a miner offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3kr70/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_arrested_for/
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David walked in from work today and saw his wife was sitting on the sofa with his girlfriend.

Composed he said, “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied his wife.
David said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”
“A stranger, hey?” shouted his girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”
Acting Startled David looked at his wife and said, “Is this true?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3kfie/david_walked_in_from_work_today_and_saw_his_wife/
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Couldn’t help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night

One of the guys says to his buddy: “Man you look tired.” His buddy says: “Man I’m exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day. I just don’t know what to do.”
A fellow about my age (72+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: “*Marry her. That’ll put a stop to that shit*.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3keko/couldnt_help_but_overhear_two_guys_in_their/
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When life gives you lemons

Ask for salt and tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3kdh9/when_life_gives_you_lemons/
%
A plane made an emergency landing on water...

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The Air Hostess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused; so she asked the captain to help. The captain being knowledgeable and experienced, guided her:
1. Tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE.
2. Tell the British this is an HONOUR
3. Tell the French this is a ROMANTIC activity
4. Tell the Germans this is the LAW
5. Tell the Japanese this is an ORDER , and everyone will be sorted out.
6. If there are any Radicals just whisper "This is a suicide mission ."
7. And the Singaporeans? she persisted.
The captain, taking a deep breath, patiently explained - “You need not tell the Singaporeans anything, my dear. Once they see a QUEUE, they will join it without questions.”
8. The Air hostess remembered the flight had some passengers from India so asked.
The captain laughed.
“Easy. Just tell the Indians, this activity is #FREE”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3kdgv/a_plane_made_an_emergency_landing_on_water/
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What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?

They both came in a little behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3k5va/what_do_a_priest_and_a_silver_medalists_have_in/
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Actually the candidate with the most momentum is Biden.

It's just not forward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3k21b/actually_the_candidate_with_the_most_momentum_is/
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What do you call a psychic midget that broke out of prison?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3jlrs/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_that_broke_out/
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So my dad recently got a job at the hospital

He’s doing circumcisions, i mean it doesn’t pay well but it does put scraps on the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3jkj3/so_my_dad_recently_got_a_job_at_the_hospital/
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Dads are like boomerangs

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3jjxl/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…

He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “ $250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“
She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”
So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great. It’s a week before he’s horny again.
So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says it’s $500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.”
So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing. He’s absolutely drained for a month. Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back.
He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the pussy?”
“Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3jfr6/a_man_in_a_bar_starts_talking_to_a_prostitute/
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What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3jcop/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
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What does DNA stand for.

National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3j8x8/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
Back in college, I could barely pay my bills, even having to choose between laundry detergent and a small breakfast snack.

Sometimes it was All or muffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3j6u0/back_in_college_i_could_barely_pay_my_bills_even/
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What did the pilot say before he crashed into the mountain?

"Kobe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3j1tc/what_did_the_pilot_say_before_he_crashed_into_the/
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A mechanics professor is noticing his class is losing interest...

... so he decides to ask them a question to keep them on their toes.
*"What,"* he asks the class *"is the rate of change of speed?"*
*"Acceleration"* retorts the class.
*"And what, is the rate of change of Acceleration?"*
A couple of students in the class raises their hand and say *"Jerk"*
*"Good, but what is the rate of change of Jerk?"*
One lone student, raises their hand nervously *"Jounce?"*
The professor retorts *"Actually, about 5 years with the current parliamentary system."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3j1r1/a_mechanics_professor_is_noticing_his_class_is/
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What’s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?

Cowboy hats are for assholes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3iz2b/whats_the_difference_between_tampons_and_cowboy/
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Bob’s wife has an incurable, terminal disease

On her deathbed, she says to Bob:
"I don't mind if you remarry later, but I don't want the woman to put on my clothes."
"Don’t worry," Bob assured her.
"She is a lot taller."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ixxb/bobs_wife_has_an_incurable_terminal_disease/
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A fortune teller sat in his tower, practicing seeing into the future.

Instead of using tarot cards or a crystal ball to read the future, he used fine cloth he imported from the East. One day, as he was peering into the future, a strong guest of wind blew through his open window, carrying the cloth straight out the other one. With it being his sole future-seeing cloth, he began chasing his prized possession.
The fortune teller ran down the stairs, across the empty plains, and into a small village before he finally caught up to his cloth. When he got to it, he discovered his beautiful Asian cloth caught in a grindstone. He pulled it out, only to find it torn up and covered in wheat dust. Nonetheless, it was the only thing he had, so he returned to his tower.
When he finally got home, he shut the windows, dusted off his piece of fabric, and began seeing into the future again. Right when he was about to get a glimpse of time unseen, the cloth suddenly erupted into flames, causing a small explosion and singeing the man's eyebrows.
The moral of the story?
Don't scry over milled silk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3iu8w/a_fortune_teller_sat_in_his_tower_practicing/
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What did the mathematician do when he was constipated?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3io3y/what_did_the_mathematician_do_when_he_was/
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I was blessed with a 9inch cock at 9 years old...

... But that priest is in jail now, so we don't talk about it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3imvr/i_was_blessed_with_a_9inch_cock_at_9_years_old/
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Living in America now is kind of like browsing Reddit

You see something you really like and you go “Give that man some gold!”
Knowing damn well you’re not gonna be the one to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3iki0/living_in_america_now_is_kind_of_like_browsing/
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What do you call an anti-vaxxer who’s big in social media?

An influenzar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ijl5/what_do_you_call_an_antivaxxer_whos_big_in_social/
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A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom.

As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"
Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe.
The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself."
She said, "Yes, I am!"
The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?"
She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3iiru/a_blonde_really_got_tired_of_all_blonde_jokes_and/
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I saw a sign on the brothel door.

It read, "Beat it. We're Closed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ig4i/i_saw_a_sign_on_the_brothel_door/
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If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3i0ds/if_youre_dating_someone_who_doesnt_enjoy_star/
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How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.
This would lead to an immediate backlash from the Evangelicals. They would make it an essential condition of faith that a real physical, living cat, being a domestic pet of the species Domesticus, and having a whiskered head, a furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its whole body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on the floor but not of the floor. The expression "on the floor but not of the floor" would be explained in a leaflet.
Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Feast of the Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was white, and majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to the Great Cat Basket of Heaven. This is commemorated by singing the "Magnificat" and "Felix namque", lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times.
This would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes tradition requires Holy Cats Days (as it is colloquially known), to be marked by lighting SIX candles and ringing the bell FOUR times. This would partly be resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration recognising the traditional validity of each.
Eventually the House of Bishops would issue a statement on the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It would explain, traditionally the text describes a domestic feline quadruped superjacent to an unattached covering on a fundamental surface. For determining its salvific and eschatological significations, we follow the heuristic analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration Question (How much is that doggie in the window?) and the Affirmative Musaceous Paradox (Yes, we have no bananas). And so on, for another 210 pages.
The General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource material for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of the cat sat on the mat.
– Author unknown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3hwqs/how_would_the_church_of_england_deal_with_the/
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What would be bbno$ name if he was british?

bbno£

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3hw0t/what_would_be_bbno_name_if_he_was_british/
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Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero

Don't worry, he's 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3hoi4/recently_a_man_was_cooled_down_to_absolute_zero/
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I got a job as a bullet...

I was fired immediately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3hmdp/i_got_a_job_as_a_bullet/
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I'm not racist, i love all races equally

Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3he6h/im_not_racist_i_love_all_races_equally/
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Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

He was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3h70o/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_promoted/
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The Whorehouse on the fault line

A very wealthy foreign businessman decided to build an extravagant gentleman's club in California as a getaway for Silicon Valley executives.  Sight unseen, he purchases a large plot of land for very cheap and has the world's most extravagant whorehouse built on the property.  Little did he know that it was built very near the San Andreas fault, an area well known for recurrent earthquakes.  While the house was soundly built, the fence around the property was routinely damaged by the earthquakes.
The only company close by that could fix the fence was a small contractor consisting of just one guy, the owner.  Because he was always busy, he decided to hire a young man to be his apprentice.  The young man asked the owner about the work to which he simply replied, "I hate that place".  Sure enough the following week there was a small earthquake, and the contractor was called out to the whorehouse.  The apprentice was advised to just watch the owner do his work.  He was amazed as three of the most beautiful women he had ever seen greeted them at the gate.  The first woman grabbed the owner, dragged him to the bedroom where they had a quickie, and then he grabbed his tools to start working on the fence.  The fence itself was OK, but some of the supporting poles had become loose from their foundation. The owner showed the young man how to reset the poles and fix the fence.  After they finish, the owner says, "I hate this place."
Two weeks pass and they get another call from the whorehouse due to another earthquake.  Again the owner asks the apprentice to just watch.  The apprentice is amazed as again there is another beautiful woman that has sex with the owner.  After they finish, they go to repair the fence.  It's the same as before, the fence is OK but some of the poles have become dislodged, which the owner rapidly fixes.  Afterwards the owner simply says, "I hate this place."  The next week there is yet another earthquake and another call to the company.  Again they are greeted by yet another beautiful woman who has a quickie with the owner, and the fence is repaired shortly after that.  As they finish the work and are headed back to the work truck, the apprentice has decided he has done enough watching.  He finally asks the owner, "Why oh why do you hate this place???"
The owner replies, "It just fucking, repost after fucking, repost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3h6vz/the_whorehouse_on_the_fault_line/
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If the Swan represents happiness, then what bird symbolizes true love?

The Swallow.
(This is my third anniversary posting this joke on a time line near Valentines. My yearly repost if you will)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3h5dl/if_the_swan_represents_happiness_then_what_bird/
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Buddha was walking down the road with his students...

Buddha was walking down the road with his students when he saw a hole in the road with an ox stuck inside and farmer trying to get the ox out, with no avail. Buddha nodded to his pupils and they helped the guy out quickly. They continued walking, when they saw another hole in the road with another ox stuck inside and a farmer sitting on the side and crying. Buddha walked by him like he didn’t even notice the guy. His students asked him :”Why didn’t you help him?” He replied :”Help him with what, crying?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3h1mj/buddha_was_walking_down_the_road_with_his_students/
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Why are there no good jokes about Jim Jones?

All the punch lines are too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3gzbq/why_are_there_no_good_jokes_about_jim_jones/
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What's the difference between kung pao and the coronavirus?

One's Chinese take out, the other takes out Chinese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3gyd1/whats_the_difference_between_kung_pao_and_the/
%
Why do Norwegian ships have barcodes?

So they can scan the Navy in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3gycj/why_do_norwegian_ships_have_barcodes/
%
What is a dyslexic person's preferred alternative energy source?

It's unclear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3gw59/what_is_a_dyslexic_persons_preferred_alternative/
%
How much do pirates pay for corn?

Buccaneer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3gur5/how_much_do_pirates_pay_for_corn/
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What's the difference between singles and eggs on Valentine's day?

The eggs get laid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3giao/whats_the_difference_between_singles_and_eggs_on/
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I believe self-deprecation jokes are funny.

But nobody gives a shit what I think

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3gdbs/i_believe_selfdeprecation_jokes_are_funny/
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In case of an actual zombie apocalypse, your best bet is going to a Costco.

There are tons of food, thick concrete walls, and the zombies can't get in without a membership.
(Not mine originally but definitely one of my favorites!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3g83t/in_case_of_an_actual_zombie_apocalypse_your_best/
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I just got a date for Valentine’s Day!

Apparently it’s tomorrow, February 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3g6lf/i_just_got_a_date_for_valentines_day/
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My new masseuse makes me uncomfortable

I’m not sure what it is about her, but she rubs me the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3g6a6/my_new_masseuse_makes_me_uncomfortable/
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Was running late so I jacked off in the herb garden.

I wanted to cum on thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3g2yt/was_running_late_so_i_jacked_off_in_the_herb/
%
Who can drink two litres of Gas?

jerry can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3g0li/who_can_drink_two_litres_of_gas/
%
What does a masochistic robot enjoy?

Cog and bolt torture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3fvrr/what_does_a_masochistic_robot_enjoy/
%
I opened my fortune cookie and...

A neck-bearded incel jumped out.
I re-read the box and realised I'd bought 4Chan cookies...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3fpso/i_opened_my_fortune_cookie_and/
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The Tough Man Contest

A man walks into a bar and is greeted by a woman. The woman asks the man if he would like to partake in the tough man contest. He agrees, and asks her how to win.
She says, "Well, first you'll have to pour yourself 10 shots of whiskey, knock that guy out cold at the bar, pull the dogs rotten tooth outback, and eat this old lady's pussy behind the counter."
He says, "You gotta be kidding lady, watch this."
He lines the shots up.
Chugs 'em down
Step one, done.
Knocks the guy out cold at the bar.
Step two, done.
Goes out back and all you hear is, "ArrraWwarraAawRooooo"
Then he comes back and says
"Now where's the old lady with the rotten tooth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3fjy7/the_tough_man_contest/
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What kind of computer does I.C.E. use to track down illegals?

Alienware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3fj0o/what_kind_of_computer_does_ice_use_to_track_down/
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What’s the difference between a ginger and a brick?

The brick can get laid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3fi8n/whats_the_difference_between_a_ginger_and_a_brick/
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Valentine's day

Imagin how many people will be shaving tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3fh34/valentines_day/
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Four surgeons are discussing about who they like to operate on.

The first one says “I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up, everything is sorted alphabetically”
The second one says “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is numbered and organized”
The third one says “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded”
The fourth one says “Guys come on, operating on politicians is the best and clearly the easiest”
The other three are looking at each other in disbelief. One of them asks why. So the surgeon says “They are heartless, gutless, spineless and heads and asses are interchangeable!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3fdfe/four_surgeons_are_discussing_about_who_they_like/
%
Dave walks into a bar

He is served a pint of lager.
"1 penny please" said the barman
"1 penny? a pint of lager is just 1 penny? said Dave
"That's right, all beers are just a penny today" said the barman.
after he had about 5 pints, he asks for a bottle of wine
"That's also a penny a bottle, in fact you can have 3 bottles of wine for just 2 pennies" said the barman.
Dave can't believe it, this is the greatest bar ever. He orders 100 bottles and still has change in his wallet.
"How much for a whiskey" he asks
"Whiskey is free today, in fact all spirits are free..what would you like? said the barman
Dave orders every full bottle from all the shelves and calls for a taxi to take him home and to load up all the booze.
Before he leaves he says to the barman "Sir, you are the greatest bar owner I have ever met"
"Oh I'm not the owner" said the barman "I just work here"
"Where's the owner?" asks Dave
"He's in a hotel somewhere with my wife"
"What's he doing with her there there?" asks Dave
The barman replied "The same thing I'm doing to his business"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3f9y0/dave_walks_into_a_bar/
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I read on the news today that a guy caught a fish they thought was extinct...

and now they're *sure*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3f8vz/i_read_on_the_news_today_that_a_guy_caught_a_fish/
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An oldie but a goodie. [It's a version of an older joke]

On November 14, 1984, the United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.
In Africa, families were confused about what "food" was.
Eastern Europeans watching state TV didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
People watching in China didn't know what an "opinion" was.
In the wartorn areas of Afghanistan and the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
People in South America didn't know what "please" meant.
People in Russia reading the survey knew what "share" meant.
Finally, Americans didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3f4vo/an_oldie_but_a_goodie_its_a_version_of_an_older/
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I can fit the lyrics of the song 'Uptown Funk' into any conversation.

Don't believe me? Just watch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3f21j/i_can_fit_the_lyrics_of_the_song_uptown_funk_into/
%
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Because it's pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3f0xb/why_shouldnt_you_write_with_a_broken_pencil/
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A dad and his son were driving on the highway

Son: Dad I have to poop
Dad: Can you hold it?
Son:
Dad:
Son: ...like in my hand?
Dad: OKAY! We're pulling over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3eqf6/a_dad_and_his_son_were_driving_on_the_highway/
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To the lady that flipped me for beeping at you

Your phone is on top of your car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3e6h2/to_the_lady_that_flipped_me_for_beeping_at_you/
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Its valentine and was asked to go out by 5 girls

Turns out l was in the girls bathroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3e4kn/its_valentine_and_was_asked_to_go_out_by_5_girls/
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What do you call a bean who likes other beans?

A les-bean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3e4bp/what_do_you_call_a_bean_who_likes_other_beans/
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John thought he could never catch an illness. When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly.”

A few months later, it finally happened.
The swine flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3e0wv/john_thought_he_could_never_catch_an_illness_when/
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Did you hear about the crazy man who jumped into the river in Paris?

Many people say he’s inseine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3drfq/did_you_hear_about_the_crazy_man_who_jumped_into/
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The Duck Hunter

A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by.
After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby.  The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck.
"Hey that's my duck!" says the hunter.
The farmer replies, "Well, it fell onto my land, so it's my duck."
"Well, I shot it, so it's my duck" says the hunter.
The farmer says "How about we settle this country style?"
"What's country style?" asks the hunter.
"Well, first I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts. And we keep on kicking each other in the nuts until one of us can't take it no more.  Winner gets the duck."
The hunter thinks about it for a bit and decides to go for it.
So the farmer hauls his leg back and kicks the hunter square in the nuts.  The hunter's eye bug out and he falls to the ground writhing in pain and clutching his swelling ballsack.  After 10 minutes or so the hunter finally recovers and stands up.
"Okay, it's my turn now" says the hunter.
And the farmer says, "Nah, keep the duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3diln/the_duck_hunter/
%
My friend said he once injected heroin into his dick.

But that was just poppycock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3daqv/my_friend_said_he_once_injected_heroin_into_his/
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If I said I love you would you say it back?

Her: Yes.
Me: I love you.
Her: It back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3d8es/if_i_said_i_love_you_would_you_say_it_back/
%
The dog we adopted keeps eating our paper towels

Turns out he was trained as a Bounty hunter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3d7k8/the_dog_we_adopted_keeps_eating_our_paper_towels/
%
Judge : I order you to pay £10,000

MARIO : why
Judge : it’s a fine
MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3d3ck/judge_i_order_you_to_pay_10000/
%
We’re going to die

Pilot: *over intercom* We’re all going to die
Passengers: *start freaking out*
Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows their day though
Passengers: *sigh with relief*
Pilot: probably will be today when we hit this mountain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3d0st/were_going_to_die/
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The Lone Ranger falls off his horse and injures himself pretty bad

Then he says, "Go find someone to help me", the horse hurries to the town they just passed and finds a beautiful woman, the horse tries to call her attention, and kneels so the woman can mount him
He runs with her to help The Lone Ranger, when she arrives she helps him to get on the horse and both ride to town, the woman cares for the man for over a week until his wounds are healed, and when he can finally stand he goes to see his loyal horse.
When he sees him he says: " Thanks for the kind stranger, Silver"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3cssl/the_lone_ranger_falls_off_his_horse_and_injures/
%
What did the blind salesman ask the customer?

What type of blinds are you looking for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3cmf4/what_did_the_blind_salesman_ask_the_customer/
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An r/jokes subredditor walks into a bar and the bartender immediately makes him an exotic cocktail. "How'd you know that's what I wanted?"

"You come here every fucking day and it's always the same fucking thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3cmfa/an_rjokes_subredditor_walks_into_a_bar_and_the/
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What did the young plant say to the old plant?

Ok bloomer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3clot/what_did_the_young_plant_say_to_the_old_plant/
%
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3cgz8/a_man_was_walking_through_a_rather_seedy_section/
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I got so drunk last night that I had sex with my gay friend.

I couldn't think straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3cg3r/i_got_so_drunk_last_night_that_i_had_sex_with_my/
%
A little boy lived next door to a fire station...

He would watch in  awe as the fire trucks left the station with sirens blazing. The kid decided he was going to become a fireman. So he grabbed his radio flyer and stuck a makeshift ladder on it. Then he found a piece of old garden hose. He was well on his way. He remembered his plastic fireman's hat he got at school. He then took his dog and wrapped a rope around his testicles and the other end he tied to his wagon. He went next door with his brand new fire truck. When The fire Marshal looked out the window he noticed the little kid and his fire truck. He walked outside and knelt down next to the kid.
"Boy that sure is a handsome fire truck you got there sonny. But I think you can go a little bit faster if you took that rope there and tied it around the dog's neck,"said the fire marshal.
"Yeah Mr., but then I wouldn't have siren!"came the boys reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ccxi/a_little_boy_lived_next_door_to_a_fire_station/
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A man called me gay today,

We’ve been married for 6 years, how could he say that about me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ccg3/a_man_called_me_gay_today/
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What was Christ's favorite chord?

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3c87j/what_was_christs_favorite_chord/
%
My boss was watching me work from two miles away

That's what I call supervision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3c4nc/my_boss_was_watching_me_work_from_two_miles_away/
%
Went to a seafood disco last weekend. But ended up going home early though...

..pulled a mussel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3c3d5/went_to_a_seafood_disco_last_weekend_but_ended_up/
%
Separate but equal is a terrible policy for education..

But perfect for eyebrows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3bzj9/separate_but_equal_is_a_terrible_policy_for/
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A trigonometric ratio goes to the beach

It wanted to get a tan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3btdu/a_trigonometric_ratio_goes_to_the_beach/
%
Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of Mugabe to their country. Puzzled, the Israelis asked why.
"We read in history that a famous man was crucified and buried in this land, and after 3 days he returned to life. We don't want to take that risk of burying our President here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3b6m1/robert_mugabe_an_unpopular_dictator_from_an/
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North Korea: Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be landing a man on the sun within 10 years.

A startled reporter shouted, “But the sun is thousands of degrees
Celsius. No one can get within 10 million miles of the sun!”
The audience was stunned at the reporter's brazen challenge and the room
fell into a long silence. But instead of having the
reporter arrested, Kim calmly replied, “We will land at night.”
The gathering and everyone in North Korea
watching on television broke into thunderous applause.
Back in Washington, Donald Trump and his staff were watching.
When Trump heard Kim's remarks he sneered.
“What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”
His staff broke into thunderous applause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3b4he/north_korea_kim_jongun_announced_at_a_news/
%
My gas alarm kept going off

It was giving me a headache and making me feel nauseous so I turned it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3atj6/my_gas_alarm_kept_going_off/
%
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.
70s kids: Gramps called.
80s kids: Granny called.
90s kids: Grandmother called.
Kids now: Boomerang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3asco/how_do_kids_tell_you_their_grandparents_called/
%
Rick, a salesman, specilized in real estate. As he was talking to a client names Down about a property. The client said to Rick...

"Never in my life have i seen such a pretty house!"
"Gonna buy it?" asked Rick.
"Give me the paperwork" said Down. "I'm gonna."
"You made the right choice." said Rick, while grinning a grin. What he had neglected to tell his client was thay the upstairs was completly damaged.
"Up we go I guess" said Down " I wanna see the second floor." Rick was panicked. If the client found out about the mess, he would refund the property for sure.
"NEVER!" said Rick. Lets get dinner first.
"Gonna pay for me?" asked Down.
"Let me think..... of course!"
"You are the best!" said down But while they were driving, they got in a terrible car accident.
"Down! are you okay?" askes Rick. "Rick," he says, "read the first word of every line"
"God damnit" said Rick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3aqo3/rick_a_salesman_specilized_in_real_estate_as_he/
%
Why could the flock of female sheep never remember anything?

Not enough Ram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3aoj0/why_could_the_flock_of_female_sheep_never/
%
Mary walks into her church weeping and goes to the Priest and bawls "Father. My husband has died"...

The priest says "Oh Mary, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I knew Peter, he was a good man.  Did he have any last wishes before he died?"
Mary said "Yes Father.  He said 'Mary can you please put down the fucking gun'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3amlk/mary_walks_into_her_church_weeping_and_goes_to/
%
I've got a dog called Curiosity. .......

..... I no longer have a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ai66/ive_got_a_dog_called_curiosity/
%
I knew a chemist who survived solely on oxygen and potassium.

When I asked him what he felt like, he said OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3aerd/i_knew_a_chemist_who_survived_solely_on_oxygen/
%
The Twilight Series

A story of a girl, that must make a choice between Bestiality and Necrophilia.
She chose Necrophilia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3ady2/the_twilight_series/
%
A horse walks into the bar and the bartender asks why the long face fellow?

The horse not comprehending English precedes to shit on the floor and then leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3aau6/a_horse_walks_into_the_bar_and_the_bartender_asks/
%
If you need gum, come see me.

I have some extra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3a4s0/if_you_need_gum_come_see_me/
%
Why do front end developers eat lunch alone?

They can't join tables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3a27f/why_do_front_end_developers_eat_lunch_alone/
%
At school my favourite lesson was PE....

.... probably because I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around changing room naked, flickering the kids with my towel whilst laughing and pointing at their little knobs.
Looking back I still don't understand why I got fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f39mfp/at_school_my_favourite_lesson_was_pe/
%
What did one plate whisper to the other plate

Dinner is on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f39kjf/what_did_one_plate_whisper_to_the_other_plate/
%
What’s a pirates least favourite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f39fa3/whats_a_pirates_least_favourite_letter/
%
My girlfriend told me that I always think with my dick.

She blew my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f39dl2/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_i_always_think_with_my/
%
A man shows up to work with two black eyes.

His boss noticing the pair of matching black eyes decides to pull him aside and ask him what happened.
"Jesus Dave, how did that happen?"
"Well Bill... There was a woman standing in line at the grocery store with her sundress wedged in her ass crack. So I pulled it out and she blacked my left eye."
His boss gave him a concern look before asking further, "Well what about the other black eye."
"Oh that one I got for tucking it back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f39cj3/a_man_shows_up_to_work_with_two_black_eyes/
%
What's the difference between a calendar and you?

A calendar has a date for Valentine's day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f399d5/whats_the_difference_between_a_calendar_and_you/
%
My penis was in guinness book of world records...

..but then the librarian told me to remove it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f397lr/my_penis_was_in_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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A mechanic and a Doctor are talking

The mechanic and doctor are good friends hanging out when the mechanic says
"You know our jobs are similar. We both have to study symptoms, run diagnostics, and repair/replace faulty parts." The doctor nods in agreement. "So why do you make so much more than us?"
The doctor smiles and replies, "When was the last time you replaced a valve through the tailpipe with the engine running?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f394dh/a_mechanic_and_a_doctor_are_talking/
%
What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f38wdm/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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Roses are red, Violets are blue

tl;dr
They differ in hue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f38w21/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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Future Employer: How good are your Microsoft Office Skills?

Me: Mark my word, I excel in it. Just give me access to it and I'll show you all the powerpoints.
(pls don't bully if it is a dumb joke, first post here)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f38jku/future_employer_how_good_are_your_microsoft/
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I'm in love with the director of our local symphony...

...but she rejected my overtures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f38ijb/im_in_love_with_the_director_of_our_local_symphony/
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A 3 year old....

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f38hja/a_3_year_old/
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A patient wakes up in recovery after his operation...

The doctor places his hand on the man's shoulder and tells him, "I have some good news and I have some bad news".
The man asks the doctor for the bad news first.
"I am afraid we have had to amputate both your legs.." says the doctor
The man is naturally upset and shocked at the news and after a few moments manages to compose himself.  He asks the doctor what the good news is.
"The man in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f383px/a_patient_wakes_up_in_recovery_after_his_operation/
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A cat walks in a coffee bar

. She goes straight to the bartender and with a very normal human voice ask for a long black coffee. The bartender is amazed and reply: “You are talking ?? Never saw a talking cat !...” . “Well, indeed, never been in this coffee shop before” the cat answered.
Bartender prepare the coffee and serve it to the cat. When putting the cup in front of her, he noticed she was fast keying a laptop. He is dumbfounded and with low voice ask the cat: “So you know how to use a laptop ??...”. “Of course, I do it daily, no big deal…” . “But this is totally amazing, you are a real miracle ! I know a Circus manager which would pay a lot to have you there ! Would you been interested in a career in Circus ?”.
The cat slowly raised her eyes and replied with a surprised tone:
“…and what a Circus would do with an IT specialist ??..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f37x1p/a_cat_walks_in_a_coffee_bar/
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Old joke i heard about 7 years ago

A girl  called snowflake approaches her mother and asks her why shes called snowflake,the mother responds:"When you were born it was snowing and a snowflake fell on your head". Then,her sister who's name is handkerchief asks her mom the same thing,her mother responds:"When you were born a woman was waving a handkerchief  and the wind was blowing,the wind blew the handkerchief onto your head". Then another girl called brick says "Aaugagahhhaugag"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f37mwd/old_joke_i_heard_about_7_years_ago/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Fresh Prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f37iif/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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To all the ladies and gents who aren't getting the V or the D in Valentine's day

Happy Alentine's Ay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f376w8/to_all_the_ladies_and_gents_who_arent_getting_the/
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My Dad shows me a 30 min PowerPoint on why I should wear condom

my photos were on every slide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f36xi1/my_dad_shows_me_a_30_min_powerpoint_on_why_i/
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My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f36hn6/my_arm_is_on_fire_quick_somebody_put_me_out/
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Definition of Disappointment.....

Running into a wall with a hard-on....  and breaking your nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f36av2/definition_of_disappointment/
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Two trees in Scotland

Tree 1: I think it's going to rain.
Tree 2: How can you tell?
Tree 1: I feel it in me Roots!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f365q1/two_trees_in_scotland/
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You know that feeling when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?

Yeah, that’s arrhythmia.
You can die from that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f35y8c/you_know_that_feeling_when_you_meet_someone_and/
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What do Asian cannibals eat?

raw men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f35u04/what_do_asian_cannibals_eat/
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Does length matter? Short answer: no.

Long answer: yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f35qra/does_length_matter_short_answer_no/
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Promiscuous girls are like Walmart

We all make fun of them, but when you're inside one  at 4 am, you're always happy they're around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f35oxy/promiscuous_girls_are_like_walmart/
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Hot Shower Pics

I was trying to take a picture of myself in the shower but I couldn't get a good one. The pictures kept coming out blurry.
I guess I have selfie steam issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f35gx2/hot_shower_pics/
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I got that mean dick

And by mean I mean average

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f350n1/i_got_that_mean_dick/
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This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f34zgc/this_morning_i_was_beat_up_by_a_woman_in_an/
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I always say "morning" instead of "good morning"

Because if it was a good morning, i'd be fishing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f34z61/i_always_say_morning_instead_of_good_morning/
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What do you call a college for semi-aquatic herbivores?

A hippocampus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f34w9y/what_do_you_call_a_college_for_semiaquatic/
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Dad sent me to pay the electric bill...

When I was a boy my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a brand new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me cause it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.
...Dad beat my ass again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f34tjo/dad_sent_me_to_pay_the_electric_bill/
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Why did the physicist and the biologist break up?

There was just no chemistry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f34lw8/why_did_the_physicist_and_the_biologist_break_up/
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How did the author of harry potter go down the hill?

Walking.
J.k. Rowling
Dont know if this has been posted here but it made eveyone look at me weird on the lrt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f34cai/how_did_the_author_of_harry_potter_go_down_the/
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Some people call their boyfriend daddy but I call mine father

I am now no longer welcome in the Catholic Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f34azf/some_people_call_their_boyfriend_daddy_but_i_call/
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What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?

Instakilogram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f34abo/whats_a_thousand_times_better_than_instagram/
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Who can drink 2 litres of gasoline?

Jerry can!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f347tq/who_can_drink_2_litres_of_gasoline/
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Joseph Stalin could not drive manual.

He was always Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3471d/joseph_stalin_could_not_drive_manual/
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Who eats at underwater restaurants?

Scuba diners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f345dp/who_eats_at_underwater_restaurants/
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Why a Merc is among the top rated cars

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.
Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin abt golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" & bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"Wat are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, wat on this God's earth are dey for?" Inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman,
"Mercedes thinks of everything !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f33ye3/why_a_merc_is_among_the_top_rated_cars/
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I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home the tables were turned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f33u6f/i_thought_i_won_the_argument_with_my_wife_as_to/
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They say a picture is worth a thousand words...

which of course explains why so many photographers are broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f33lli/they_say_a_picture_is_worth_a_thousand_words/
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Why don’t frogs give out parking tickets?

Because they already toad ya!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f33fd5/why_dont_frogs_give_out_parking_tickets/
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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

##
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3371n/a_man_was_sunbathing_naked_at_the_beach/
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a man brought something home to show to his wife...

"What's that?" asks the wife.
"That," says her husband "is a wide mouthed frog. I just bought it from a guy in the bar, who had trained it from birth to give the best blowjobs a man could ever wish for. I tried it out on the way home, and it's true - it gave the best blowjob i've ever had."
"well, what do you expect me to do with it?"
asks the wife.
"teach it to cook, then fuck off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f32whq/a_man_brought_something_home_to_show_to_his_wife/
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What's a fairy's favorite soda?

Sprite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f32szs/whats_a_fairys_favorite_soda/
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Blacks and whites should be separated

It’s not so hard to do the laundry correctly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f32svt/blacks_and_whites_should_be_separated/
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My friend won't shut up about his dilapidated mansions

He's got some real bad manors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f32rcl/my_friend_wont_shut_up_about_his_dilapidated/
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I just found out I’m colorblind...

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f32ne2/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/
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A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician each enter a room that has jug of water next to a bookshelf that is on fire.

The physicist looks at the shelf then looks at the water,  He pulls out a sheet of paper and begins to calculate the exact amount of water required to put the fire out. The engineer enters the room looks at the shelf then looks at the water, grabs the jug and empties it on the fire.  The mathematician enters the room, looks at the shelf, then at the jug, then at the shelf and then at the jug again. He throws his hands in the air and yells "A SOLUTION EXISTS! " then proceeds to walks out of the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f32gvw/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_mathematician_each/
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What does Thanos and a child with cancer have in common?

All of the avengers show up for their endgame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f32e34/what_does_thanos_and_a_child_with_cancer_have_in/
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I've decided to become a professional Epstein impersonator. Don't try to talk me out of it!

I know it is career suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f327l1/ive_decided_to_become_a_professional_epstein/
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*mom* Did you stand there while I fell over while I dropped all the laundry

*me*. Yea I saw it all unfold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f31zoa/mom_did_you_stand_there_while_i_fell_over_while_i/
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A doctor flirted with me today. She said that I am too sweet.

Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f31xa0/a_doctor_flirted_with_me_today_she_said_that_i_am/
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My girlfriend told me that I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.

So I said “You’re pretty enough”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f31u1y/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_i_dont_tell_her_shes/
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Why do frontend developers eat lunch alone?

Because they don't know how to join tables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f31u0l/why_do_frontend_developers_eat_lunch_alone/
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Doctor: I don't think alcohol agrees with you.

Me: It's OK for things to have different opinions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f31ttl/doctor_i_dont_think_alcohol_agrees_with_you/
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Where did hitler send the Jews?

To Jewpiter. It was the closest gas planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f31p44/where_did_hitler_send_the_jews/
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When does a joke become a Dad Joke ?

When it's fully groan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f31cvq/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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Parent Teacher conference

A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
The father asks, "What happened?"
"Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 \* 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 \* 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"
"Not yet," the dad replies.
The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?"
"No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?"
"They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked.
"That's what I said" the boy replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f31c9x/parent_teacher_conference/
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A storm blew off 25% of my roof

Oof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f31a9m/a_storm_blew_off_25_of_my_roof/
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You know, after everyone realized that James Corden doesn’t drive the car in Carpool Karaoke...

...they should have just renamed the show to Car Pull Karaoke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f318qm/you_know_after_everyone_realized_that_james/
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Do the right thing, reduce your carbon footprint...

Think of the world we'll be leaving behind for Willie Nelson and Keith Richards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f31605/do_the_right_thing_reduce_your_carbon_footprint/
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I can't be bothered to rub my magic lamp myself.

I think I'll get a lad in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f30yz1/i_cant_be_bothered_to_rub_my_magic_lamp_myself/
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If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss,

Then what does smoking marijuana do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f30lh7/if_smoking_marijuana_causes_shortterm_memory_loss/
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What’s the difference between you and a calendar?

The calendar actually has a date on Valentine’s Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f30lej/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_a_calendar/
%
I went to a Syracuse University basketball game. The president showed up.

The secret service got confused and started guarding the mascot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f30l04/i_went_to_a_syracuse_university_basketball_game/
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Roadkill on M42

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M42 near Birmingham recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah", not a single one could shout “motorcycle”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f30kjk/roadkill_on_m42/
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What type of men do gay people like?

Seamen
(Sorry if joke offends anyone)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f30jko/what_type_of_men_do_gay_people_like/
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How does a train eat

It goes chew chew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f30gol/how_does_a_train_eat/
%
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f30fs3/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
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You ever heard of naked and afraid

It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f30efr/you_ever_heard_of_naked_and_afraid/
%
I just started a new job as an elevator operator

It has its ups and downs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f30dw1/i_just_started_a_new_job_as_an_elevator_operator/
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Where did Suzy go after getting lost in a minefield?

Everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f307zk/where_did_suzy_go_after_getting_lost_in_a/
%
A teacher asks a boy in her class “If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?”

The boy responds with “None.” The teacher asks why. “They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot.”
The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think.
Later, the boy asks the teacher “3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?”
The teacher says “The one sucking it.”
The boy says “No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3041i/a_teacher_asks_a_boy_in_her_class_if_3_birds_are/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a well known six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f3036z/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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I broke my finger last week

On the other hand I’m ok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2znxl/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2zixu/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and …..................................... cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.
“I’m not sure, I was born with them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2z9rx/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_give_me_a/
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Who can drink 2 gallons of diesel?

Jerry can!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2z8fu/who_can_drink_2_gallons_of_diesel/
%
A little boy walks up into his dad's room and sees him putting a condom

The dad turns around and starts looking under the bed to hide it, and says:
Hey! There's a mouse under the bed!
- And what are you gonna do? F**k him? - says the little boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2yz5f/a_little_boy_walks_up_into_his_dads_room_and_sees/
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What do you call an ant that's so fucking ugly every other ant wont go near it?

A repellant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2yywd/what_do_you_call_an_ant_thats_so_fucking_ugly/
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Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims.  They went through 90 stories in 10 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ydct/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
%
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2y3yn/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
Two soldiers are in the bathroom, one Army, one Navy.

After they finish, the Navy soldier goes to wash his hands and looks over to see the Army soldier walking out the door.
Disgusted, he called out “Didn’t they teach you to wash your hands in the Army?”
The Army soldier replied “No, they taught me not to piss on my fingers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2xvub/two_soldiers_are_in_the_bathroom_one_army_one_navy/
%
Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2xs9d/bernie_said_hes_going_to_legalize_marijuana_on/
%
Q: Why is the number 40 so good at everything?

A: It’s because it XLs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2xemi/q_why_is_the_number_40_so_good_at_everything/
%
Please select a secret question from the list to help us confirm your identity.

What was your mother's maiden voyage?
What city did you throw up in?
What was the make and model of your first jar?
What was your favorite high school bleacher?
What is your favorite shorts seam?
What street did you jive on when you were 9?
What was your first pet's shame?
In what city did you get buried?
What was the first company you twerked for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2xe95/please_select_a_secret_question_from_the_list_to/
%
Some mornings I wake up bitchy.

Other mornings I let her sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2xbhf/some_mornings_i_wake_up_bitchy/
%
There’s no such thing as Scottish people.

Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2x2na/theres_no_such_thing_as_scottish_people/
%
Samuel L. Jackson doesn't call his parents Mom and Dad.

He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2wyft/samuel_l_jackson_doesnt_call_his_parents_mom_and/
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A woman pregnant with triplets was involved in a drive by shooting

She was shot three times in the belly, and a bullet hit each one of the babies. Everyone survived, but the doctor told the mother that one day, when their bodies are big enough, the kids will have to pass the bullet out of their system.
About 15 years later one of her daughters called the mother in a panic saying that she had just pee’d out a bullet. The mother says its OK, and tells her the story. A week later, the other daughter called the Mom screaming that she had just pee’d out a bullet. The mother told her to calm down and told her the story. A month later the son called the mother crying. The mother says, “let me guess, you just pee’d out a bullet?” The son says, “No. I was jacking off and shot the dog”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2wv40/a_woman_pregnant_with_triplets_was_involved_in_a/
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life without love is meaningless..

Love without life is necrophilia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2wow4/life_without_love_is_meaningless/
%
A priest was knocked out on the way to church

He was quickly rushed to the hospital straight after. Whilst he was being wheeled through the hospital he thankfully woke up and asked one of the nurses “Am I in heaven?”
The nurse replied “No, father, you’re in the children’s ward”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2wlxj/a_priest_was_knocked_out_on_the_way_to_church/
%
Yesterday I got an Xbox for my little brother.

Best trade ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2wj2k/yesterday_i_got_an_xbox_for_my_little_brother/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

You thail it into an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2w6i5/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
What is a dog catcher's favorite food?

Pound cake.
P.S. (I thought of this one on my own so hopefully it's original.  My daughter liked it anyway so I guess that's all that matters!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2w4iy/what_is_a_dog_catchers_favorite_food/
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[Dad joke] How does Bigfoot tell time?

He's got a Sasqwatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2vly4/dad_joke_how_does_bigfoot_tell_time/
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2vdo0/i_wondered_why_the_baseball_was_getting_bigger/
%
How would Metallica be called if they sold beds?

Nothing else matress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2vdga/how_would_metallica_be_called_if_they_sold_beds/
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After several months of hounding, a guy finally takes his wife golfing ....

On no. 8, she hits an errant shot right behind a barn.  She asks her husband, "now what am I gonna do?"  The husband replies, "don't worry, I'll just open the barn doors and you'll have a clear shot right to the pin!"  He opens the doors and the wife lets fly a line drive that hits the support post, comes straight back at her, hits her in the temple and strikes her dead on the spot!
.
The man needs time to properly grieve, then 2 weeks later decides to go golfing with his buddies at the same course.  He also hits the same errant shot behind the barn and as he approaches the ball sitting there, he confides in his buddies, "sorry if I seem down but this hole brings back bad memories."  They all consoled him "oh man, we're real sorry ... we heard." The man replies, "ya, last time here I got a 7 on this hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2uuoq/after_several_months_of_hounding_a_guy_finally/
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Did you hear about the layoffs at the morgue?

They’re really cutting coroners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2uegj/did_you_hear_about_the_layoffs_at_the_morgue/
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A boy asks his mother

Son: Mom, would you ever punish me for something I didn't do?
Mom: If you didn't do it, then no.
Son: Good, because I didn't do my homework last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ubkk/a_boy_asks_his_mother/
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A Chicken Walks Into a Library

A chicken walks into a library and up to the desk.
"Buk", says the chicken.  So the librarian gives him a book.  The chicken leaves with the book and returns five minutes later.  "Buk," he says.  So the librarian gives him another book.  This goes on about eight more times, until finally the librarian leaves the library and goes outside on break in back where there’s a pond.  The chicken is standing on the edge of the pond tossing the books to a frog on a lilypad.  The chicken says “Buk, Buk" and the frog says "reddit, reddit".
I’ll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2u813/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
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Why did Helen Keller have bruises on her belly?

Her boyfriend was blind too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2txyn/why_did_helen_keller_have_bruises_on_her_belly/
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What happened to the Blonde who tried to blow up a School Bus?

She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2tway/what_happened_to_the_blonde_who_tried_to_blow_up/
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“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” ...

... the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, “but I don’t know her size.” “Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. “Oh, yes,” he answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.” “Will there be anything else?” the salesgirl asked as she wrapped the gloves. “Now that you mention it,” he replies. “She also needs a bra and some panties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2tsit/id_like_to_buy_some_gloves_for_my_wife/
%
Two surgeons are in an operating room...

One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”
The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”
The second surgeon replies “suture self”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2tjh1/two_surgeons_are_in_an_operating_room/
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There is a reason why you don’t see many paper jokes.

They are all tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2tgcl/there_is_a_reason_why_you_dont_see_many_paper/
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For Valentine's Day my girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt...

... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2td3u/for_valentines_day_my_girlfriend_told_me_to_give/
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Not too bright

Two Irish hunters hire a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. As they start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says they can only take four moose. The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot agrees and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and goes down. As they climb out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick" Any idea where we are? ", Mick replies" I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2tahb/not_too_bright/
%
Last night I slept with a blind girl, she said I was the biggest she ever had

I said you’re pulling my leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2t2wq/last_night_i_slept_with_a_blind_girl_she_said_i/
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I know there's a technical name for the pleasure center of the vulva

But I just can't put my finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2t0lm/i_know_theres_a_technical_name_for_the_pleasure/
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At the movies

Said to my mate, "I just watched that film about the Nazis"
He said, "Oh right, the one with Adolf in?"
I said, "No mate, you're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2szo2/at_the_movies/
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Confucius say...

...man with itchy asshole have stinky fingers.
...man who fish in other man's pond often catch crabs.
...baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls not walk.
...man who fart in church sit in own pew.
(Feel free to add more)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2sstn/confucius_say/
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I really like this subreddit, but

Does anyone else think it's weird that we have to send weekly nudes to the moderators ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2skmx/i_really_like_this_subreddit_but/
%
Jim is in a bar men's room finishing having a pee.

He zips up and washes his hand and is about to leave when he sees a man with no arms by the door.
"Hey mate, can you help me out here?" the no armed man says.
Jim grimaces but decides to help the man out. They walk over to a urinal and Jim unzips the man's pants. "Yeah, just take the old boy out for me, will you?" the man says.
Jim pulls the man's underwear down revealing the no armed man's tool. It's dark red with blue and black splotches. It smells like unwashed feet mixed with dead people. There is brownish liquid oozing out of a hole on the side. It's all Jim can do not to wretch.
After the man finishes peeing he says, "okay all done. Just a bit of a shake please." Jim shakes the man's prick and skin flakes fly off. Blood and the brown ooze splatters in the urinal. The smell actually gets worse. Jim is now crying as he packs the man's johnson away and zips him up.
Jim runs over to the sink and yacks in it and scrubs his hands with soap. As the man is walking to the door, Jim asks, "what the hell is wrong with your dick?!"
The man pops his arms out of his t-shirt holes and opens the door to leave and says, "no idea but there's no fucking way I'm touching it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2saut/jim_is_in_a_bar_mens_room_finishing_having_a_pee/
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"Luigi, what was the name of that Schumer chick that no one likes?"

"It's Amy, Mario."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2s82c/luigi_what_was_the_name_of_that_schumer_chick/
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I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.

I have a complex complex complex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2s7jo/i_have_a_phobia_of_overengineered_buildings/
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I write best while taking a shit.

It induces good Vowel movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2s79y/i_write_best_while_taking_a_shit/
%
I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb.

Then I realized that my life was a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2s4g0/i_crossed_the_road_walked_into_a_bar_and_changed/
%
Doc from back to the future didn’t use his delorean all that much

He only used it from time to time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2s40u/doc_from_back_to_the_future_didnt_use_his/
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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY.She screamed, OH HENRY!!" as she squeezed his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS. MARY JANE said, "You're even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS!!!!" Soon she was a bit CHUNKY, and nine months later had a BABY RUTH.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2s14k/birth_of_a_candy_bar_rated_xxx_and_nsfw/
%
The Miss Universe pageant is definitely rigged.

The winners are always from Earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2rycm/the_miss_universe_pageant_is_definitely_rigged/
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3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."
The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours early this afternoon to catch her in the act. When I got home, I searched the whole condo top to bottom but did not find anybody.
Just when I was about to give up, I noticed somebody hanging off the edge of my balcony. I went out on the balcony and tried to pry his fingers loose, but he held on. So, I went back inside, grabbed my hammer and then beat on his fingers until he let go.
To my surprise, he survived the 12 story fall by landing in some bushes. I then proceeded to go back inside, grabbed my refrigerator, pushed it out onto the balcony and over the side, where it fell on the guy killing him. However, I have a weak heart, and the overexertion killed me."
St. Peter says, "What a terrible way to go! You can come on in."
The second guy says, "I live on the 13th floor of the Rains Building. This morning I was doing my regular morning exercise out on my condo's balcony when I slipped in some water from last night's rain and fell over the side.
Miraculously, I managed to grab hold of the balcony of the condo below mine. I screamed for help until I was hoarse, but no one ever came. Finally, in the afternoon, I saw the owner coming out on his balcony and though 'thank, God, help at last' only to have him try to pry my fingers loose. I managed to hold on until he gave up and went back inside.
To my horror, he came back a few minutes later with a hammer and started pounding on my fingers. I could not hold on any longer and fell the 12 stories to the ground below. Inexplicably, I landed in some bushes and was fine. Just as I was saying a prayer of thanks to God a shadow fell over me. I looked up, and there was a refrigerator coming down at me."
St. Peter says, "What a terrible way to go! You can come on in."
The third guy steps up and says, "Imagine this, I am standing in a refrigerator, buck-naked............."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2rxub/3_men_are_standing_in_front_of_heavens_door/
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I thought I'd be a successful archaeologist

turns out my career is in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2rx9x/i_thought_id_be_a_successful_archaeologist/
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I scored 197 on an IQ test

The test was pretty easy, 10 simple questions, then to prove my identity they asked me for my date of birth, social and credit card details.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2rulw/i_scored_197_on_an_iq_test/
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The world's greatest tongue-twister expert just got arrested.

I bet they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2rqqx/the_worlds_greatest_tonguetwister_expert_just_got/
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus.

Not only is it horrible, but it's very horrible, and worse than that, it's truly horrible. Just horrible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2rpln/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus/
%
I like my coffee the same way I like slaves...

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2rhdh/i_like_my_coffee_the_same_way_i_like_slaves/
%
My girlfriend has this weird fetish...

Whenever we have sex she likes to pretend she's 15 years old. It kinda bothered me, and finally one day I told her, "Baby, you don't have to keep doing this. For fuck's sake, your birthday is in 3 months!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2rcli/my_girlfriend_has_this_weird_fetish/
%
A man with one arm

A man was jn a car accident causing him to lose an arm. After some depressing weeks the man goes to a high bridge to end his suffering.
While standing on the bridge’s edge the man observed a miraculous sight below, someone with NO arms. The  armless man is jumping up and down in joy.
The one arm man now goes and speaks with the armless man. He ask’s “ how are you so happy that your jumping up and down with no arms?”
The armless man turns and yells “ HAPPY? I ain’t happy, my balls itch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2r7hb/a_man_with_one_arm/
%
Last night I was too drunk to drive home from the bar, so I took the bus.

Now my wife wants to know what the fuck a bus is doing in our driveway.
So does this policeman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2r3fd/last_night_i_was_too_drunk_to_drive_home_from_the/
%
My girlfriend promised me we would have anal sex if we got married. We got married, and I have learned 3 things...

1. Listen more carefully
2. The meaning of the word 'annual'
3. Don't get married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2qz4q/my_girlfriend_promised_me_we_would_have_anal_sex/
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What is the relation between a broom and an ak-47

Both can be used to sweep a house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2qwbw/what_is_the_relation_between_a_broom_and_an_ak47/
%
My neighbour recently bought a BMW, a Volkswagen, 2 Fords, a Toyota and a Chrysler...

I think he's got the car-owners virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2qr19/my_neighbour_recently_bought_a_bmw_a_volkswagen_2/
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Why could the ghost have a baby?

Because he had a halloweener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2qpi0/why_could_the_ghost_have_a_baby/
%
I'm finally going on a Date this valentine's Day

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2qohx/im_finally_going_on_a_date_this_valentines_day/
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Even Though it's been 20 years since my Grandfather choked to death on a piece of sushi

It's still pretty raw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2qmse/even_though_its_been_20_years_since_my/
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What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2qml4/whats_the_best_part_about_fingering_a_gypsy_on/
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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer ?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2qkkc/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
%
What did one of the prostitute’s knees say to the other?

How come we spend so little time together?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2qa6h/what_did_one_of_the_prostitutes_knees_say_to_the/
%
Where does wire wool come from?

Sheep metal (my apologies)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2q4vv/where_does_wire_wool_come_from/
%
I recently got rid of my old vacuum...

It was just collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2q0n0/i_recently_got_rid_of_my_old_vacuum/
%
What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

Telling your dad you're gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2prpz/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_rollerblading/
%
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.

He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2pmcw/yesterday_i_was_washing_the_car_with_my_son/
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If Valentine’s Day is for couples what holiday is for single guys?

Palm Sunday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2pjn6/if_valentines_day_is_for_couples_what_holiday_is/
%
How does one outpizza the hut?

I don't know but Dominos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2pgvo/how_does_one_outpizza_the_hut/
%
A nun wakes up one morning and starts her day.

As she walks through the hall and passes by some other nuns they smirk at her and say “did you get up on the wrong side of the bed?”. As she continues some other nuns smirk and say the same thing “did you get up on the wrong side of the bed?” She says no and keeps going. For a third time, as she passes by some more nuns the same thing is remarked to her “did you get up on the wrong side of the bed?” This time she stops and asks what is going on. “you are wearing the bishops slippers”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2peaj/a_nun_wakes_up_one_morning_and_starts_her_day/
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A grieving wife sits at her husband's funeral

From the pew behind, a tap on the shoulder:
"Mind if I get up and say something?"
The wife replies, "of course, please go ahead"
The gentleman sombrely makes his way to the front. When he reaches the altar, he pauses to compose himself, clears his throat and then bellows:
"PLETHORAAA!"
As he returns to his seat, the wife turns to him, tears in her eyes, and says:
"Thank you. That means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2pc3w/a_grieving_wife_sits_at_her_husbands_funeral/
%
So there’s a fly…and a gnat lands on its back.

The fly says, “is there a gnat on my back?”
The gnat says, “gnat at all.”
The fly says, “that’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard."
The gnat goes, “what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2p93a/so_theres_a_flyand_a_gnat_lands_on_its_back/
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A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."
All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.
The prosecution says: "she didn't walk in."
"But the fact that you were all staring at the door expectantly proves that there is reasonable doubt."
The jury discusses. The defendant is found guilty.
"How can you send a man to prison on such flimsy evidence?" The lawyer says.
One juror says: "In the three minutes that passed, I looked through the courtroom, and I saw that the defendant was the only person who didn't look at the door even once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2oxbr/a_man_is_on_trial_for_murdering_his_wife_although/
%
TIFU by keeping lube and glue in the same drawer.

Now I'm a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2objy/tifu_by_keeping_lube_and_glue_in_the_same_drawer/
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Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?”

pulls out mirror and say: "Yes, it's me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2o2ot/police_officer_can_you_identify_yourself_sir/
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Did you know that a group of piranha's ?

Did you know that a group of piranha's devour a child in 30 seconds ?
Anyway, I just lost my job at the aquarium today ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2o2i4/did_you_know_that_a_group_of_piranhas/
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What brand of cereal is the strongest??

Mini Wheats, because they’re shredded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2nxu8/what_brand_of_cereal_is_the_strongest/
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Your essays should be like a girl's skirt

Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2nu4f/your_essays_should_be_like_a_girls_skirt/
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I told my boss I needed a pay rise and that 3 other companies were after me

Boss: "Which ones?"
Me: "Gas, Electric and Water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ns73/i_told_my_boss_i_needed_a_pay_rise_and_that_3/
%
I’m avoiding my girlfriend

I think she wants to talk about how I can’t find her clitoris,
but I just keep beating around the bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2nnn1/im_avoiding_my_girlfriend/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

They lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2nl6y/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
1 + 1 can equal 3

If you don’t use a condom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ninu/1_1_can_equal_3/
%
Gay jokes aren't funny.

Cum on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2nhsv/gay_jokes_arent_funny/
%
What does a cannibal do after eating a vegetable?

Goes on eBay to see how much the wheelchair sells for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2nhmj/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_eating_a_vegetable/
%
I swallowed some food coloring. The Doctor said I would be ok,

But I dyed inside a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ngb3/i_swallowed_some_food_coloring_the_doctor_said_i/
%
A girl likes you

And 10 other jokes you can tell yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ng56/a_girl_likes_you/
%
What is the least spoke language?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2n0ts/what_is_the_least_spoke_language/
%
A P.O.W. in Germany gets shot in the leg

His leg is infected and need to be amputated. He requested the captors to send his leg to his friends and family back home so they can have it as a souvenir and the captors figure it can't hurt so they send it.
Then the prisoner gets shot in the other leg which also gets infected and needs to be amputated. He again requested to have his leg sent to his friends and family so the leg was sent.
Then the prisoner gets shot in the arm which also gets infected and needs to be amputated. Once he requests to have it sent back home, a captor says "Wait a minute! I think you are trying to escape!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2mrk6/a_pow_in_germany_gets_shot_in_the_leg/
%
What did the redditor say after setting off the bomb at the bank



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2mkin/what_did_the_redditor_say_after_setting_off_the/
%
Silly joke from 5yo neighbor girl: "What did the sick cook make for lunch?"

Mac and sneeze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2mj4f/silly_joke_from_5yo_neighbor_girl_what_did_the/
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Jussie Smollett has made some scathing comments on the new indictments against him.

According to him, it’s all based on fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2mata/jussie_smollett_has_made_some_scathing_comments/
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Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?

He deserted his post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2mad6/did_you_hear_about_the_private_who_could_shit_ice/
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I've decided to become a professional Jeffrey Epstein impersonator, don't try to talk me out of it!

I know it is career suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2m36e/ive_decided_to_become_a_professional_jeffrey/
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Why is Hitler a better person than Jeffery Epstein?

At least Hitler killed himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2m0oz/why_is_hitler_a_better_person_than_jeffery_epstein/
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Two blondes are walking through the park...

One blonde says to her friend, "Awww. Look at that poor little dog with one eye!"
The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2lzde/two_blondes_are_walking_through_the_park/
%
what has four wheels and flies?

a garbage truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2llqc/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
Texas A&M got into a battle with the Longhorns and started throwing grenades.

So the Longhorns took the pins out and threw them back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2lkzv/texas_am_got_into_a_battle_with_the_longhorns_and/
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People who vaccinate their kids are crazy

because I had a doctor do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2lj9v/people_who_vaccinate_their_kids_are_crazy/
%
A Soviet and an American walk into a bar.

The American asks the Soviet “how’s life treating you” Soviet says “can’t complain” American says “that’s great” Soviet reply’s “no, can’t complain, Stalin listening”
This is something that just popped into my head today but I don’t think it’s that original so if it’s been said before I’m sorry, my friends suggested I post it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ldt1/a_soviet_and_an_american_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A man wins the lottery.

Husband: “Honey pack your bags I just won the lottery!”
Wife: “Oh my god that’s great! Where are we going?”
Husband: “I don’t care where you go just be out of here by 5”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2lci6/a_man_wins_the_lottery/
%
Did you know baseball was played in the Old Testament?

In the big inning, Adam took one, Eve took one, and the Lord threw them both out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2l7s2/did_you_know_baseball_was_played_in_the_old/
%
When I was a kid I didn't know how difficult it was to conceal an erection sometimes.

I had to learn the hard way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2l7rh/when_i_was_a_kid_i_didnt_know_how_difficult_it/
%
I’m anorexic but I’m very curvy...

You can see each of my ribs individually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2l68q/im_anorexic_but_im_very_curvy/
%
What have sex and bungee jumping got in common?

If the rubber breaks you're in trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2kv05/what_have_sex_and_bungee_jumping_got_in_common/
%
A brunette was hopping down a road......

She was singing "26! 26! 26! 26!"
A blonde crosses her path and asks what she's doing
"I'm playing a game!" The brunette replies.
"OOH A GAME! IT LOOKS SO FUN OH MY GOD CAN I PLAY?"
"sure! You just hop down this yellow line and say 26 for every jump!"
The blonde joins the brunette. "26! 26! 26"
The brunette walks over to the side while the blonde continues
The blonde gets hit and killed by a truck
Then the brunette gets back on the yellow line on the road
"27! 27! 27! 27!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ksmm/a_brunette_was_hopping_down_a_road/
%
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2khm1/how_many_dead_bodies_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A man and his friend are sitting at a bar

They’ve been there a while and the man gets so drunk he throws up down his shirt. The man gets very worried at this, saying “Oh no, my wife is gonna be pissed! She just bought me this shirt and made me swear up and down I wouldn’t do anything to ruin it.”
His friend eventually calms him down and says “I have an idea. Take $50 and put it in your front pocket. When you get home your wife is gonna start yelling and you need to let her get it out for a minute. Then you apologize for getting drunk, but take out the $50 and tell her it was somebody at the bar who threw up on your shirt and they offered to buy you a new one. You’ll be in the clear!”
The man decides this is a great idea and makes his way home. Sure enough when he gets back his wife is up waiting and very angry. “You’re so drunk, look at this mess! You promised you would keep this shirt clean!” The man lets her go on for a few minutes and finally says “Honey, you’re right. I got too drunk and I’m sorry, but this isn’t from me!” He takes out the money and tells her it was somebody else who threw up on him but they offered to pay $50 to replace the shirt.
The wife, still slightly annoyed but definitely calmer, takes the money. “Hey!” She says, “This isn’t $50, it’s $100!”
“Yeah,” the man replies, “the asshole shit in my pants too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2khem/a_man_and_his_friend_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
%
I know why cows have hooves and not feet.

They lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2kahr/i_know_why_cows_have_hooves_and_not_feet/
%
Congratulations to Whitney Houston!

As of today she has been drug free for 8 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2k7b5/congratulations_to_whitney_houston/
%
A woman walks up to her co-worker:

Lady: I'm starving, how much longer till we get out?
Co-worker: about 2 hours, are you eating for two?
Lady:Yes! How could you tell?
Co-worker: You haven't complained about being hungry at work before, how far along?
Lady:Only about 7 weeks, I was trying to keep it secret.
Co-worker: I'm guessing you don't know it's gender yet?
Lady: No.
Co-worker: Have you picked a name?
Lady: Why on Earth would I name a tape worm?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2k4qt/a_woman_walks_up_to_her_coworker/
%
Friend: "I created the brightest star in the night sky."

Me: "You can't possibly B Sirius."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2k03e/friend_i_created_the_brightest_star_in_the_night/
%
Did you guys hear about the Superhero that only sleeps with married women?

He saves wives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2jwb8/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_superhero_that_only/
%
I wanted to make a joke about the sea

But it was so deep that I nearly drowned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2jlyc/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_the_sea/
%
Everyone knows eating a clock is very time consuming

But I hope you saved room for seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2jjvz/everyone_knows_eating_a_clock_is_very_time/
%
There's a movie called The Rock that doesn't star The Rock, but rather Nicolas Cage.

If The Rock ever stars in a movie called Cage I fear this will only grow more confusing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2jjsp/theres_a_movie_called_the_rock_that_doesnt_star/
%
My family is full of neatfreaks

They have their entire wardrobe planned out for the week.
They even labled their underwear "Monday", "Tuesday", "Wednesday", etc.
I decided I wanna do this too to try to be a little neater so I started labeling my underwear, too
Right now, I'm wearing February

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2jit0/my_family_is_full_of_neatfreaks/
%
I can't find the pronunciation of fecalysis on the internet.

I guess nobody gives a shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2jgg0/i_cant_find_the_pronunciation_of_fecalysis_on_the/
%
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2jffn/whats_the_difference_between_a_literalist_and_a/
%
A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.
He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.
The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.
The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits until 12.00 and uses his stethoscope to listen to the thigh.
Sure enough, at 12.00 the Doctor hears the thigh say “Have you got 10 bucks. Can I borrow 10 bucks, I really need the money”.
The Doctor doesn’t understand what’s going on.
Then the man says, at every quarter hour, my knee also asks for money. At 12.15, the Doctor listens to the mans knee through his stethoscope where he hears the knee say “Have you got 20 bucks. Can I borrow 20 bucks, I really need the money”.
The Doctor is even more befuddled.
Then the man says, at every half hour, my ankle asks for money. At 12.30, the Doctor listens to the mans ankle through his stethoscope where he hears the ankle say ‘Have you got 50 bucks. Can I borrow 50 bucks, I really need the money”.
The doctor tells the man he doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s something he’s never encountered before.
The Doctor asks the man to come back in a week where the Doctor will do some research in the interim.
A week later the man comes back and asks the Doctor if he has any news.
The Doctor says yes – he’d done some research into the problem and found that the mans leg was broke in 3 places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2jel8/a_man_goes_the_doctor_complaining_of_a_very_sore/
%
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed...

After 30 seconds all charges were dropped due to a lack of
evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2jajf/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
%
A girl walks into a department store

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2j70s/a_girl_walks_into_a_department_store/
%
A native american chieftain is constipated and his medicine man is out of options.

So he tells him to ride to the nearest town and see the white man's doctor. The doctor asks what's wrong, but the Chief's english isn't that good, so he says "Big Chief, no fart."
The doctor gives him 2 cans of beans and a can opener. "Eat this for lunch, you'll be right as rain." The chief thanks him and leaves.
The next morning, the doctor is opening his clinic and sees the chief riding in on his horse. "Feeling better, Chief?"
The Chief shakes his head. "Big Chief, no fart." He says, sadly.
The doctor gives him 4 cans of beans this time. "This has GOT to work."
The next morning, as the doctor gets off his horse, he sees the Chief waiting by the clinic doors, looking angry. "Any better?"
The Chief is furious. "BIG CHIEF, NO FART!" he yells.
The doctor gives him 8 cans of beans and 2 bags of prunes. "If this doesn't work, we're gonna have to resort to more drastic means." He says.
The next morning the doctor arrives at the clinic to see a young native man standing by the doors. "Is the Chief any better?" He asks.
The young man shakes his head. "No. Big fart, no Chief."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2iqew/a_native_american_chieftain_is_constipated_and/
%
Somethings wrong with my touch screen...

... and I can’t put my finger on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2inq4/somethings_wrong_with_my_touch_screen/
%
The head Nun....

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.  They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."  They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ilji/the_head_nun/
%
I've been a compulsive worrier for years.

My mates said. "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for £1000 a week." I said. "I haven't had a single worry since."
"A thousand a week!" they said. "How the hell are you going to pay him?"
"I don't care. That's his problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ihb5/ive_been_a_compulsive_worrier_for_years/
%
What's Helen Keller's favorite color?

Corduroy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ih6b/whats_helen_kellers_favorite_color/
%
I got my son a stripper for his birthday.

My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day you turn 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ifll/i_got_my_son_a_stripper_for_his_birthday/
%
My next door neighbour has just bought an Audi, a Toyota and 2 BMW's.

I think he's got car owner virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2iemx/my_next_door_neighbour_has_just_bought_an_audi_a/
%
Why is a broken window so frustrating?

Because it’s a pane to replace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2idrg/why_is_a_broken_window_so_frustrating/
%
If you ever think no one notices you...

Just stop paying your taxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2i9o8/if_you_ever_think_no_one_notices_you/
%
Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2i9be/just_a_warning_if_youre_buying_a_watch_on_amazon/
%
A kiss will make your day

But anal will make your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2i4j6/a_kiss_will_make_your_day/
%
a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar

it was a normal day in australia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2hyz9/a_spider_a_snake_and_a_kangaroo_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Life is like a penis

It keeps getting hard for no reason and you never quite know what to do with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ht0q/life_is_like_a_penis/
%
What’s Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?

WAH-TAH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2hqe2/whats_bruce_lees_favorite_drink/
%
Of all modern inventions the whiteboard is....

the most remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2h7z5/of_all_modern_inventions_the_whiteboard_is/
%
Woman asks her husband, “What are you trying to do thrusting yourself into that little plastic bear?”

Man replies “Nuttin’ Honey”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2gzj9/woman_asks_her_husband_what_are_you_trying_to_do/
%
How many people does it take to spread a coronavirus?

Just Wuhan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2gvrq/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_spread_a/
%
So I wanted to watch that parasite movie

But every torrent had nothing but leechers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2gqyw/so_i_wanted_to_watch_that_parasite_movie/
%
How do candy bars laugh?

They snicker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2gjj0/how_do_candy_bars_laugh/
%
Every time I eat cake I get heart burn...

I should probably take off the candles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2gew8/every_time_i_eat_cake_i_get_heart_burn/
%
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he is married...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2fztr/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
%
My wife was really upset at my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2fuie/my_wife_was_really_upset_at_my_impulse_purchase/
%
What do you call someone with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2fnk3/what_do_you_call_someone_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2fl7z/today_a_girl_kissed_me/
%
I’m making a belt decorated with herbs

My friends tell me it’s a waste of thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2fkzc/im_making_a_belt_decorated_with_herbs/
%
Why should you never have an affair at a bank?

There’s always a teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2fj24/why_should_you_never_have_an_affair_at_a_bank/
%
What do you say to Mario when he doesn't get a joke on the Internet?

It's a meme Mario.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2fc6o/what_do_you_say_to_mario_when_he_doesnt_get_a/
%
What’s the similarity between a grenade and a wife?

You pull off the ring and then your house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2f2rf/whats_the_similarity_between_a_grenade_and_a_wife/
%
I started a company harvesting moisture from plants.

Business hasn't been great, but we're making dew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ezxu/i_started_a_company_harvesting_moisture_from/
%
So I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking to long to order. Wow. “Take the high road” I thought to myself.

So I paid for her food.
I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.
When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ez0o/so_i_was_in_the_mcdonalds_drivethrough_this/
%
What do you call 1,000 Instagram accounts?

Instakilograms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2extb/what_do_you_call_1000_instagram_accounts/
%
Being in Highschool sucks

I woke up this morning, grabbed a monster, told my mom I loved her and ran out the door. I got into class, sat behind the desk hoping no one sees me.
I then heard, "Mr Smith, what's today's lesson?" Thanks, Sarah, I was trying to make this an easy day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ewq2/being_in_highschool_sucks/
%
Breaking news: The police arrested a battery and a firework

They charged one and let the other one off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2etqb/breaking_news_the_police_arrested_a_battery_and_a/
%
I’ve been with a number of women throughout my life.

That number is 0.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2erly/ive_been_with_a_number_of_women_throughout_my_life/
%
A woman hailed a taxi cab...

She gets into the cab and tells the driver the destination. In the cab with her  was a police officer who just finished his shift.
3 blocks away from her destination the woman realized that she left her wallet at home. At the next stop light she decides to make a run for it.
The taxi driver, absolutely livid, yells at the officer to go catch her. The officer obliges and chases after her.
The officer chatches up to the woman after 15 min of running. The woman, exhausted, decides to give up and give herself in. "Okay I give up officer, I'll go to the station with you" she says. "What are you talking about?", said the officer, "I don't have any money for the fare either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2erig/a_woman_hailed_a_taxi_cab/
%
I swallowed a dictionary

And now I have thesaurus throat I've ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2epcg/i_swallowed_a_dictionary/
%
Common sense is like AIDS.

Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2en6e/common_sense_is_like_aids/
%
So Pete, Joe, and Dave are planning their desert hiking/camping trip.

Dave ask Pete what he was bringing.
"Well, my tent, lil cooker, some water and a bottle of Irish whiskey... in case of rattlesnakes."
Dave ask Joe what he was bringing. "Water, sunscreen, my pack, extra socks and a bottle of Scotch whiskey... in case of rattlesnakes."
The two others asked Dave what he was bringing to which he quickly answered "Rattlesnakes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ei1s/so_pete_joe_and_dave_are_planning_their_desert/
%
Joe went to the doctor and said "Doc, my balls really hurt"..

..so the doctor started examining his balls. After a while the doctor said, "Joe, I'm afraid you just have to stop mastrubating"
"Oh", Joe said worriedly.  "Why"?
"Well,  I'm trying to examin your balls"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2dut2/joe_went_to_the_doctor_and_said_doc_my_balls/
%
My four year old asked me where babies come from. I told him, a stork brings them.

“What kind of pervert fucks a bird?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2dsz2/my_four_year_old_asked_me_where_babies_come_from/
%
A woman went to get a physical for her 40th birthday...

When she got home, she was telling her turd of a husband how it went. “The doctor said I was in great shape. As a matter of fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old. “
“Oh yeah?” Said her grumpy husband-“what he say about your 40 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2da8k/a_woman_went_to_get_a_physical_for_her_40th/
%
Why does death exist?

To enforce term limits on politicians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2d4i0/why_does_death_exist/
%
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders

That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2d1h6/if_you_feel_the_bern_you_should_vote_for_bernie/
%
I told my girlfriend I was making a belt out of watches.

She told me it was a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2cb8y/i_told_my_girlfriend_i_was_making_a_belt_out_of/
%
A woman was masturbating during her period, when somebody walked in on her.

She was caught red handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2cb7a/a_woman_was_masturbating_during_her_period_when/
%
What language is spoken at the centre of the earth?

Core-ean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2c612/what_language_is_spoken_at_the_centre_of_the_earth/
%
What is the only thing flat earthers have to fear?

S-fear itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2c5eh/what_is_the_only_thing_flat_earthers_have_to_fear/
%
"Larry, do you think I'm a terrible mother?"

"It's Tommy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2c26a/larry_do_you_think_im_a_terrible_mother/
%
Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2btzc/sometimes_i_go_out_and_commit_crimes/
%
A cannibal rudely came late to dinner

So they gave him the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2bovq/a_cannibal_rudely_came_late_to_dinner/
%
Hardest thing in the world is to lose your wife of twenty years.

God knows, I've tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2bjqz/hardest_thing_in_the_world_is_to_lose_your_wife/
%
"Sorry, we don't serve people from the future in here."

A time-traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2bil9/sorry_we_dont_serve_people_from_the_future_in_here/
%
A cop pulls over a car with 2 priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
“We’ll do it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2b5u3/a_cop_pulls_over_a_car_with_2_priests/
%
Apparently, when I was born the doctor told my parents that I was born with a lot of potential

Well I must of touched something grounded thereafter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2b21c/apparently_when_i_was_born_the_doctor_told_my/
%
A pregnant elephant goes to the doctor

Right away the doctor says "I want to talk about the elephant in the womb"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2b1qt/a_pregnant_elephant_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
I went on one of them sex sites, and I managed to line up a threesome!

A couple of no-shows but I still had fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2b1n0/i_went_on_one_of_them_sex_sites_and_i_managed_to/
%
Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2awav/cut_hair_once_youre_not_a_barber_cook_food_once/
%
My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2auv9/my_son_while_gazing_up_at_the_sky_asked_me_how/
%
There's a scary library in my town...

...everytime I go there I get goosebumps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2aoeb/theres_a_scary_library_in_my_town/
%
What do you call a Hispanic man living in Thailand?

Thai Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ajdv/what_do_you_call_a_hispanic_man_living_in_thailand/
%
What was so bad about being a black Jew in 1940's?

You had to sit in the back of the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2ackm/what_was_so_bad_about_being_a_black_jew_in_1940s/
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Whenever I want to beat a lesbian, I always use a rock

Because for some reason, lesbians always choose scissors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2a85c/whenever_i_want_to_beat_a_lesbian_i_always_use_a/
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“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”
“And is the bronchitis gone now?”
“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f29r5f/have_you_been_sleeping_by_an_open_window_like_i/
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Changed my mind

When I was like 6-7 I thought that people are being delivered through the anus.
Then at school I learned the difference between the man/woman anatomy and learned that people are being delivered through the vagina.
Being an adult I learned that a good % of people were nonetheless delivered through the anus as I initially thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f29p0c/changed_my_mind/
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Why did the birds want a snack?

They were feeling a bit peckish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f29ie9/why_did_the_birds_want_a_snack/
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A man went to Spain for his vacation.

He stopped by a restaurant and saw an interesting dish. He asked the waiter about it, who said  "the balls of the bull sir. we serve it once a day after the bullfights." The man places an order for the next day, and leaves.
When he comes back the next day and gets his dish, he looks at it for a minute and notices something is wrong. He calls the waiter over and says "Excuse me, but why are these so much smaller than those from yesterday?" the waiter pauses, looks around, and replies "I'm so sorry sir but sometimes the bull does win"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f29gf5/a_man_went_to_spain_for_his_vacation/
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This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.

I wish I could have read the signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f29d1d/this_deaf_girl_used_to_flirt_with_me_constantly/
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A man runs into a doctor's office, shouting "Doc, I need your help!"

The doctor asks what's wrong, the guy says "I think I'm a moth".
The doctor says "Sir, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you come in here?"
"The light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f29bee/a_man_runs_into_a_doctors_office_shouting_doc_i/
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Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you feel

You may be too weak to raise your middle finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f29art/dont_wait_until_youre_on_your_deathbed_to_tell/
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When I started going bald, my grandpa gave me his antique toupee weaver.

It's an heirloom hair loom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f29476/when_i_started_going_bald_my_grandpa_gave_me_his/
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Indian takeaway - £20. Cost of delivery - £2. Finding out they've forgotten part of your order...

Riceless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f291ac/indian_takeaway_20_cost_of_delivery_2_finding_out/
%
Did you heard about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f29111/did_you_heard_about_the_italian_chef_who_died/
%
I was addicted to the hokey pokey

but I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f28zom/i_was_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
%
Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline

Jerry can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f28z5m/who_can_drink_2_liters_of_gasoline/
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Voldemort: So you‘re saying that I’ll just have to lie?

Pinocchio: Yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f28vpb/voldemort_so_youre_saying_that_ill_just_have_to/
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Friends are like slinkies

They are completely useless but they make me smile when I push them down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f28tnk/friends_are_like_slinkies/
%
Why did the old woman fall in the well?

She didn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f28qdi/why_did_the_old_woman_fall_in_the_well/
%
Did you hear about the broom that stands up on its own?

It’s sweeping the nation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f28pg6/did_you_hear_about_the_broom_that_stands_up_on/
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A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'

The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f28dyy/a_man_was_driving_home_and_was_stopped_by_a/
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What’s the difference between Logan Paul and hitler

Hitler knew when to kill himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f28dda/whats_the_difference_between_logan_paul_and_hitler/
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What do you call someone who masturbates to the Iliad and the Odyssey?

A Homer-Sexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f28bt1/what_do_you_call_someone_who_masturbates_to_the/
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I used to spend a lot of my time sculpting a big donkey with my face on it.

I stopped when I realized I was just making a huge ass of myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f287hu/i_used_to_spend_a_lot_of_my_time_sculpting_a_big/
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My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion

I said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2856a/my_wife_walked_in_on_me_masturbating_to_an/
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What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f284da/what_is_the_worst_combination_of_illnesses/
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I have this friend who dresses up his Labrador in this ridiculous yellow jacket.

What is he blind?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f27x62/i_have_this_friend_who_dresses_up_his_labrador_in/
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"Son," I said, "would you fetch me an energy drink from the shops, please?"

"Monster?" he asked.
I said, "No, your mother doesn't want one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f27x4e/son_i_said_would_you_fetch_me_an_energy_drink/
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Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving?

It scares the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f27wef/why_dont_blind_people_like_to_go_skydiving/
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What happened to the Herb Farmer when evidence was found that he'd been stealing from his company?

He was convicted on counts of Embasilment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f27vbf/what_happened_to_the_herb_farmer_when_evidence/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalottapus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f27v2d/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
Call me Barack

Cause I'll be spending this Valentine's Obama self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f27j3c/call_me_barack/
%
Jim and Bob, are sitting at their local bar having a few beers.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know what, I'm  tired of going through life without a real education. Tomorrow I think I'll go down to that community college and sign up for some classes."
Next day, Jim goes to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a whipper snipper?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I  think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you would have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual." says Jim. "That's amazing, you were able to find out all that because I have a whipper snipper!"
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a whipper snipper?"
"No."
"Then you're a poofter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f27eol/jim_and_bob_are_sitting_at_their_local_bar_having/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walking.
Jk, rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f27bof/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
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I was walking down the street when I saw someone get jumped by 2 men so I decided to help out.

It was easy, he couldn't take 3 of us down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f27aby/i_was_walking_down_the_street_when_i_saw_someone/
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A man walks into a bar... The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f26ypk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_asks_why_the/
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15 year old sis of mine tried to show off her photoshop skills

I said it's just a minor editing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f26xej/15_year_old_sis_of_mine_tried_to_show_off_her/
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I saw this fisherman lose an absolutely epic fish and he started crying inconsolably.

I told him "Never mind, mate. Plenty more women on the land".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f26x6e/i_saw_this_fisherman_lose_an_absolutely_epic_fish/
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I got caught with a copy of the Constitution

I swear I read it for the articles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f26m7c/i_got_caught_with_a_copy_of_the_constitution/
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I saw a cartoon portraying a politican like a goat

It was satyr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f26ld6/i_saw_a_cartoon_portraying_a_politican_like_a_goat/
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What are funnier mountain ranges or forest?

Mountain ranges, they're hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f26a8s/what_are_funnier_mountain_ranges_or_forest/
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Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards......

Patient: AND ...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f26a46/doctor_sir_im_afraid_your_dna_is_backwards/
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Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?

He was on stage one day and said "Uno...dos..." and then he disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f269q7/have_you_heard_the_story_of_the_spanish_magician/
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Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f26718/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
A bog, a marsh, and fen go into a bar. The bartender says

Wow, I'm swamped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f25x4m/a_bog_a_marsh_and_fen_go_into_a_bar_the_bartender/
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Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f25nfx/hello_everyone_im_a_scientist_and_i_am/
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What is the difference between a nun at prayer and a nun in the bath?

When a nun is at prayer her soul is full of hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f25b8j/what_is_the_difference_between_a_nun_at_prayer/
%
A duck, a lion and a snake walk into a bar.

After some drinks,  they are talking about their own greatness.
The Lion tells stories about his harem, how he rules above a vast territory and how he never knew hunger.
The duck describes how beautiful the world looks like from above,  and never having to endure harsh winters because he can migrate.
Then the snake  starts laughing.
"Whats so funny? " Asks the duck.
"You guys are mere peasants compared to my greatness.  After all,  i **walked** into a bar! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f24vik/a_duck_a_lion_and_a_snake_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I wrote a show about puns

It’s a play on words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f24u1s/i_wrote_a_show_about_puns/
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What happens when a pianist fingers the wrong minor

The police cums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f24tz6/what_happens_when_a_pianist_fingers_the_wrong/
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A duck walks into a pharmacy...

He says “Gimme a Chapstick and put it on my bill.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f24qf9/a_duck_walks_into_a_pharmacy/
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.

I’ll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f24k8x/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon_fresh/
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I was gonna start a new diet tonight...

...but I have too much on my plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f24iab/i_was_gonna_start_a_new_diet_tonight/
%
A guy with premature ejaculation;

Just comes out of no where

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f24cnh/a_guy_with_premature_ejaculation/
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What was the man who went around the globe for the first time called?

Sir-Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f24ccu/what_was_the_man_who_went_around_the_globe_for/
%
I have the ability to tell someone's dominant hand just by looking at them

Nine times out of ten, it's right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f247xv/i_have_the_ability_to_tell_someones_dominant_hand/
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I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...

She hugged me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f245ht/i_told_my_wife_she_should_embrace_her_mistakes/
%
Why do people wear bullet proof vests when they use the computer?

They don't wanna get hit by a screenshot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f244w7/why_do_people_wear_bullet_proof_vests_when_they/
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I totally understand how batteries feel

Because I’m rarely ever included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f240ku/i_totally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
%
What do you call a muscular Arab?

Protein Sheikh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f23xn0/what_do_you_call_a_muscular_arab/
%
A man enters a pun contest

He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f23ugm/a_man_enters_a_pun_contest/
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The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors

, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.
After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought,the pope stated, “I agree but under four conditions.”
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, “And what are the four conditions?”
The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, “First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex.
“Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.
“And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one.”
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?”
The pope smiled and replied, “She gotta have big tits.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f23ta2/the_pope_had_become_very_ill_and_was_taken_to/
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I could tell you a UDP joke.

But I'm not sure you'll get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f23g91/i_could_tell_you_a_udp_joke/
%
The reasoning behind both Japan's aging population and healthy lifestyle

A long-running fear of another Fat Man and Little Boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f23c77/the_reasoning_behind_both_japans_aging_population/
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The ISIS had a problem

The decapitations and suicide bombs were going along well, but they had a hygiene problem. Most fighters were developing fungal infections in their nether regions, and were more busy scratching their crotches than pulling the triggers.
So the Mullah ordered the kidnapping of an American dermatologist.
The terrified doctor examined a few fighters and advised them to change their underwear daily.
As reward for his service, the infidel doctor was freed. But a few months later he was kidnapped again.
“We are going to decapitate you, because you lied to us,” said the Mullah.
“Our fighters have been exchanging underwear with each other every single day, and yet the infections have only become worse!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f236vy/the_isis_had_a_problem/
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What do they call the electrical engineering freak?

Wired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f23494/what_do_they_call_the_electrical_engineering_freak/
%
Did you hear about the mathematician who suffered muscle pain when writing out equations?

They had fibromyalgebra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f230dl/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_suffered/
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Onion-Flavored Ice Cream

One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter "Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?"
The guy says, "No, we don't have onion-flavored ice cream."
So the kid says, "Ok" and leaves.
The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question. The guy again informs him that they don't carry onion-flavored ice cream.
This goes on for a week, and the guy running the ice cream shop figures the kid is probably autistic. So, one night, he goes home and starts to work on a recipe for onion-flavored ice cream. He stays up all night working and perfecting onion-flavored ice cream, just for this kid.
Then, the next morning, when the kid comes in at his usual time, and asks if they have onion-flavored ice cream, the guy answers him.
"Yes! Yes, we have onion-flavored ice cream!"
The kid replies, "You must be fuckin' stupid. Who the fuck is gonna buy onion-flavored ice cream?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f22t5q/onionflavored_ice_cream/
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I was talking to my therapist about my irrational fear of letters.

Me: So, I'm afraid of random letters...
Therapist: You are?
Me: *Screams*
Therapist: Oh, I see...
Me: *Screaming intensifies*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f22t1d/i_was_talking_to_my_therapist_about_my_irrational/
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Joe and Bob are sitting outside a cafe enjoying a couple cigars when a young boy walks out of the ice cream parlour right next door.

Joe says "see that kid over there, dumbest kid I ever met, watch this...." and he calls the kid over.
Joe puts 50 cents in one of his hands, and a dollar bill in the other and holds them both out to the boy. Joe says "which do you want, 50 cents, or a dollar?" The boy quickly snatches up the 50 cents, says thank you, and happily walks on his way eating his ice cream.
After the boy leaves, Joe says to Bob "I see that kid once a week, I always see if he takes the dollar, he never does, he ALWAYS takes the 50 cents! I told you, he's the dumbest kid I've ever seen!"
Next week, Bob is sitting outside the cafe by himself and sees the same boy come out of the same ice cream parlour, and calls him over.
The boy comes over and Bob says "my buddy who I was with last week, he always offers you a dollar or 50 cents, why do you always take the 50 cents? You know a dollar is worth more, right?"
The kid says "Of course I know it's worth more, but if I take the dollar, he'll quit asking altogether!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f22oea/joe_and_bob_are_sitting_outside_a_cafe_enjoying_a/
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What do trees feel in Spring ?

Releaf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f22502/what_do_trees_feel_in_spring/
%
I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.

I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f21oa7/i_recently_fucked_my_best_friend_after_my/
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I quit the 100 meter-sprint yesterday

I think I'll be better off in the long run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f21o4t/i_quit_the_100_metersprint_yesterday/
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Did you hear about the Asian-Jewish terrorist?

Hebrew himself up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f21fe8/did_you_hear_about_the_asianjewish_terrorist/
%
A patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of a recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

“I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.”
“Okay,” the patient said. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f215m9/a_patient_was_lying_in_bed_still_groggy_from_the/
%
TIL it’s diarrhea awareness week.

Runs till Saturday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f2124m/til_its_diarrhea_awareness_week/
%
Johnny's dad

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation. Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a lawyer, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f20wc5/johnnys_dad/
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The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family.

It's that nobody runs in your family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f20s48/the_problem_isnt_that_obesity_runs_in_your_family/
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Can a ninja make doubles of himself?

shuriken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f20ouo/can_a_ninja_make_doubles_of_himself/
%
Dermott stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Dermott replies: "In the car."
"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f20nv6/dermott_stops_paddy_in_dublin_and_asks_for_the/
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What spell did Harry Potter cast to protect himself from prison rape?

Rectum Protectum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f20h5c/what_spell_did_harry_potter_cast_to_protect/
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I went to the restaurant "Karma" the other day. There's no menu, and no entrees.

You get just desserts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f20a8v/i_went_to_the_restaurant_karma_the_other_day/
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Boss asked me to swap the first half of the brochure with the second.

I was like, sure bro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f208cs/boss_asked_me_to_swap_the_first_half_of_the/
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Why can't ken get Barbie pregnant?

He only comes in his own box.
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1zybv/why_cant_ken_get_barbie_pregnant/
%
So these 2 engineering students are talking on campus one day...

the first one says to the other, "Hey, where'd you get that bicycle?". To which the second replied, "You'll never believe it, this girl just comes riding up to me, jumps off the bike, throws off all of her clothes and said, ""TAKE WHAT YOU WANT!"""
The first guy says,"Good choice, those clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1zxwz/so_these_2_engineering_students_are_talking_on/
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Why are strippers good at elections?

Because they know how to work the pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1zr9v/why_are_strippers_good_at_elections/
%
If I had a quarter for every time my dad beat me I would have $0.00

because I don't have a dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1znuh/if_i_had_a_quarter_for_every_time_my_dad_beat_me/
%
Bruh what LOTR?

Everytime somebody brings it up, I just have no idea what they're Tolkien about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1znqo/bruh_what_lotr/
%
A long term relationship is 5% love, 5 % commitment.....

And 90% asking each other what you want for dinner tonight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1yyv5/a_long_term_relationship_is_5_love_5_commitment/
%
A drunken man walks onto a coffee shop

- Do you have iced coffee?
- No sir. We don't.
- Ok then, says the drunken man.
Then he gets on his way. 15min later he comes again.
- Do you have iced coffee?
- No sir. We don't. I told you before.
- Sorry about that, says the drunken man.
Then he gets on his way. 15min later he comes again.
- Do you have iced coffee?
- Sir, I told you before. We do not have any ice coffee.
- Ok then, says the drunken man.
Then he gets on his way. The bartender decides to put some coffee in a bucket of ice and wait. Sure enough, 15min later the drunken man arrives.
- Do you have ice coffee?
- Yes sir, we do.
- Could you heat a coup for me please?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1yv92/a_drunken_man_walks_onto_a_coffee_shop/
%
My friend asked me to go Bungee Jumping...

I told them "No, because a broken rubber brought me into this world, it sure as hell ain't taking me out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ysjf/my_friend_asked_me_to_go_bungee_jumping/
%
How far can you walk into a forest?

Half way, then you start walking out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ycc8/how_far_can_you_walk_into_a_forest/
%
What do you yell at Edgar Allen Poe right before he crashes into a tree?

Poetry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1y8vc/what_do_you_yell_at_edgar_allen_poe_right_before/
%
How Often Do Planes Crash?

Once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1y4xy/how_often_do_planes_crash/
%
Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1y4tt/saw_some_sea_birds_ordering_furniture_in_ikea/
%
A newly hired doctor is visiting the insane asylum he'll be working in for the first time

During the tour he sees a man alone in a room, standing completely naked except for the top hat on his head. His curiosity is piqued and he asks to have a brief interview with the patient.
"Excuse me sir," the doctor asked, "if you don't mind me asking, why aren't you wearing clothes?"
"I find no need for clothes in my current situation- this room's temperature is quite well regulated so I never need them for warmth. As for modesty, I never have any visitors, so I have no need for that either"
"Yes, I can quite understand. But what about the top hat then?"
"Well, someone *might* stop by..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1xesq/a_newly_hired_doctor_is_visiting_the_insane/
%
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is female, and one is Fe Male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1xcju/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
What do you call a very short, inner-city man who accurately keeps time?

a metro-gnome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1xbel/what_do_you_call_a_very_short_innercity_man_who/
%
2 guys are walking down the road when they come across a dog licking his balls. One guy says, “Awh man, I’d love to do that”.

Other guy says, “Hmm well maybe you’d better pet him first”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1wo7p/2_guys_are_walking_down_the_road_when_they_come/
%
3 women board a plane for the 1st time an Asian a Caucasian and a african american.

The Asian annouces "im scared but i wore fluro underwear so if we crash they can see me" the Caucasian says "i wore my stars and stripes bikini as underwear so i can be noticed and picked up 1st". The African American says "i not wearing any panties at all!!" The other women ask hows that going to help!
The african american replies "well if we crash the 1st thing they are going to look for is the black box!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1wnk1/3_women_board_a_plane_for_the_1st_time_an_asian_a/
%
Doctor: "Do you prefer that the baby's father be present st your birth?"

Patient: "I prefer not. He doesn't get along well with my husband."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1wjyx/doctor_do_you_prefer_that_the_babys_father_be/
%
What’s the difference between me and your mom?

One’s a really nice lady and the other one is me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1wfo3/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_your_mom/
%
I called the Iranian suicide hot line...

And they asked if I could fly a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1w9ek/i_called_the_iranian_suicide_hot_line/
%
TWO men go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment.

The reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. The first day that they go fishing, they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their holiday, one of the men catches one fish.
As they are driving home they both feel quite glum.
One guy turns to the other and says: “Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us 1500 bucks?”
The other guy says: “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1w2n4/two_men_go_on_a_fishing_trip_they_rent_all_the/
%
What do you call someone who is anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1vxh4/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_anorexic_with_a/
%
This week I’m hosting a charity event for men who can’t ejaculate.

If you can’t come let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1viiv/this_week_im_hosting_a_charity_event_for_men_who/
%
Why would nobody hire the illustrator?

Because he seemed kinda sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1vh9f/why_would_nobody_hire_the_illustrator/
%
I remember when i saw my first boob

Ahh the mammaries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1vg7g/i_remember_when_i_saw_my_first_boob/
%
I've been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now...

I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1v79b/ive_been_stuck_in_rome_for_a_few_weeks_now/
%
Why did The T-Rex give me a handgun?

He was a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1v4be/why_did_the_trex_give_me_a_handgun/
%
Why don't women have beards?

It's in their jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1v3v1/why_dont_women_have_beards/
%
Me: Hey Amazon I wanna buy something

Amazon: Ok, but you need to find $25 worth of items to get free shipping
Me: Why's that?
Amazon: Because our prices are so low, only if you buy $25 can we cover our shipping costs
Me: Ok, I found 3 items that total $25 and pushed the Order button
Amazon: Great! Here are your 3 separate tracking numbers: 1Z....., TBA...., 345....
Me: ....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1v2h1/me_hey_amazon_i_wanna_buy_something/
%
McDonald's just came out with a new energy drink

They called it McSquared

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1uzse/mcdonalds_just_came_out_with_a_new_energy_drink/
%
Orville Wright: "Dick cave."

Wilbur Wright: Definitely not.
Orville: Weiner hole
Wilbur: Dude **no**.
Orville: Cockpit
Wilbur: (sighs) Okay *fine*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1uzk7/orville_wright_dick_cave/
%
My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1uqcu/my_girlfriend_threatened_to_leave_me_over_my/
%
A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop...

Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.”
Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”
Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”
Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”
Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.”
Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?”
Kid: “Sure! V-A-N.”
Clerk: “Can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?”
Kid: “Sure! S-T-R-A-W!
Clerk: “Can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?”
Kid: “There is no FUCK in chocolate!”
Clerk: “THAT’S what I’m trying to tell you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1unwn/a_dumb_kid_walks_into_an_ice_cream_shop/
%
what species of bees make milk instead of honey?

boobees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1uf65/what_species_of_bees_make_milk_instead_of_honey/
%
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ua0z/two_teenagers_fred_and_joe_meet_after_school_and/
%
Whats black, white and red all over?

Half a zebra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1tp5i/whats_black_white_and_red_all_over/
%
I was pretty sure i had nut allergy when i was kid

But my parents thought i was making it up to avoid church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1tamo/i_was_pretty_sure_i_had_nut_allergy_when_i_was_kid/
%
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1t62c/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_were_waiting/
%
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a handsome prince.”

She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, I’ll be your devoted boyfriend.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a handsome prince, and that I’ll be your devoted boyfriend. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog……that’s cool.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1t4p2/an_engineer_was_crossing_a_road_one_day_when_a/
%
Two firemen...(NSFW)

Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke-filled room. The chief walks in and says, "What the hell is going on here?". One of the firefighters says, "Johnson here was suffering from smoke inhalation, sir!" The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You treat that with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" And the firefighter replied, "Yes, sir- how do you think all this started?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1t2s9/two_firemennsfw/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1t2a6/knock_knock/
%
Give a man a dog and he’ll be happy for a day.

But if you teach a man to dog....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1szgp/give_a_man_a_dog_and_hell_be_happy_for_a_day/
%
It's ironic that Parasite won.

Because there was no host for the Oscars.
Huh? Huh?
I'll show myself out.
Thank you for the silver star!.  My first!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1sz4e/its_ironic_that_parasite_won/
%
An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.

The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?"
They answer one at a time:
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1sy6k/an_american_man_a_french_man_a_spanish_man_and_a/
%
My old man has a heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from the safari park.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1sxfu/my_old_man_has_a_heart_of_a_lion/
%
You know that a camel with two humps..

is a bactrian camel.  A camel with one hump is a dromedary camel.
What do you call a camel with no humps?  Humphrey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1suex/you_know_that_a_camel_with_two_humps/
%
Schoolproblem

Putting my grades for adoption because I can't raise them myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ssv1/schoolproblem/
%
What's the difference between marriage and a dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1sr7m/whats_the_difference_between_marriage_and_a_dog/
%
An r/jokes Redditor walks into a bar...

... and orders the same fucking thing every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1sd1z/an_rjokes_redditor_walks_into_a_bar/
%
It took me only 5 minutes to walk to the pub, but 45 minutes to get back home.

The difference is staggering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1sbbv/it_took_me_only_5_minutes_to_walk_to_the_pub_but/
%
I was recently kidnapped by a gang of mimes

They did unspeakable things to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1s6wu/i_was_recently_kidnapped_by_a_gang_of_mimes/
%
Sex jokes are not funny!

I mean, cum on people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1s4ar/sex_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
Do you know what to do when someone has epileptic seizure in your bathtub?

Throw your laundry in there. .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1s48m/do_you_know_what_to_do_when_someone_has_epileptic/
%
A Redditor walks into a bar

Just kidding, Redditors don’t socialize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1rzwd/a_redditor_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?

There was nothing left but the brie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1rxav/did_you_hear_about_the_explosion_in_the_cheese/
%
We didn´t know if we should bury or cremate granny..

.. so we just let her live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1rtys/we_didnt_know_if_we_should_bury_or_cremate_granny/
%
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.

When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1rn9z/it_is_very_rare_for_a_defibrillator_to_fail/
%
What’s the similarity between a cop and a Rastafarian?

They’re both good at planting weed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1rc0z/whats_the_similarity_between_a_cop_and_a/
%
I am not fat.

Just well-rounded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ra87/i_am_not_fat/
%
Lighting your farts can be dangerous..

..but the risk is "Just a fire ball"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1r6wv/lighting_your_farts_can_be_dangerous/
%
I don’t think wind turbines like classical music.

I hear they’re big metal fans, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1r2qq/i_dont_think_wind_turbines_like_classical_music/
%
Common sense is like deodorant

Those who need it never use it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1qzft/common_sense_is_like_deodorant/
%
The decision ...

“The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1quva/the_decision/
%
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When
the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her
to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said,
"Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of
another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is,
Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the
bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang
himself, I put him there to dry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1qpvu/jim_and_mary_were_both_patients_in_a_mental/
%
How do you identify an alcoholic nun?

Because of her Wine Habit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1qnwm/how_do_you_identify_an_alcoholic_nun/
%
I started to see a reverse psychologist.

She told me to kill myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1qnod/i_started_to_see_a_reverse_psychologist/
%
I am friends with 25 letters of alphabet

I don’t know Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1qn6a/i_am_friends_with_25_letters_of_alphabet/
%
I must have Alzheimer’s...

I must have Alzheimer’s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1qktt/i_must_have_alzheimers/
%
What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day?

To remind single people that they are single.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1qkpd/what_is_the_true_purpose_of_valentines_day/
%
What do single people call Valentine's Day?

Happy Independence Day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1qjuv/what_do_single_people_call_valentines_day/
%
As a woodworker, I love the final stages of a project

All the little impurities and errors go away. It's a real varnishing act.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1qfqv/as_a_woodworker_i_love_the_final_stages_of_a/
%
I file a lawsuit against the airport because I lost my bag in there.

Let’s just say that I lost the case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1qe6a/i_file_a_lawsuit_against_the_airport_because_i/
%
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1qbvy/women_always_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
%
Blind Man Wakes Up in a Hospital

A blind man wakes up in a hospital today, sees doctor. He asks the doctor, "Where am I doctor." Doctor replies, "ICU". Blind mans  quips backs, "I know doctor, I'm the blind one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1q85s/blind_man_wakes_up_in_a_hospital/
%
Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there”

The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1pw5k/adolf_hitler_is_discussing_plans_to_invade_the/
%
I'm like Domino's Pizza.

If I don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1pvqd/im_like_dominos_pizza/
%
What do you call a white chiropractor?

Cracker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1pv8f/what_do_you_call_a_white_chiropractor/
%
A pro life advocate asked me how I’d feel if I was aborted

I wouldn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ptp2/a_pro_life_advocate_asked_me_how_id_feel_if_i_was/
%
I just quit my job at the helium factory

I won't be spoken to in that tone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ptlt/i_just_quit_my_job_at_the_helium_factory/
%
I would tell you a joke about Nebraska

But it's too corny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1prqa/i_would_tell_you_a_joke_about_nebraska/
%
non-alcoholic beer tastes like...

... licking your sister. Tastes right but something is wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1pp43/nonalcoholic_beer_tastes_like/
%
3 crazy people tried escaping an insane asylum

While running the first one said "if there is a tall fence well dig under it"
The second one said "if there is a short fence well jump over it"
The third one ran forword and said "guys we are screwed there is no fence"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1pnsn/3_crazy_people_tried_escaping_an_insane_asylum/
%
What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer

One can wash their crack and sell it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1pjtw/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
%
Why is it terrifying to get a Mohawk?

Because it's a hair raising experience
(I'll let myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1pejq/why_is_it_terrifying_to_get_a_mohawk/
%
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”

Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1pb79/im_opening_a_new_gay_club_called_garage_sale/
%
Vodka, Tequila, Sambuca

I’m calling the shots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1p4s4/vodka_tequila_sambuca/
%
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.

“Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?”
He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”
Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”
Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
“Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1oqri/a_woman_asks_her_husband_if_hed_like_some/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women

Flat white

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1om2r/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
What do you call a friend you make while playing chess in central Europe?

A Czech mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ollu/what_do_you_call_a_friend_you_make_while_playing/
%
Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a man

Feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ojgd/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blowjob_from_a_man/
%
A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ob7p/a_witch_turned_me_into_a_piece_of_toast/
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What does the Joker say when you keep staring at his face?

"You wanna know how I got these Oscars?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ny4d/what_does_the_joker_say_when_you_keep_staring_at/
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I’m starting an online dating site for men who want to meet someone just like their mother.

It’s called Oedipal Arrangements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1nlin/im_starting_an_online_dating_site_for_men_who/
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Soon Canada will take over the world

Then you'll all be sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1nj2t/soon_canada_will_take_over_the_world/
%
How does a Jewish person make tea?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ne4q/how_does_a_jewish_person_make_tea/
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I like to play on words and measure objects.

You can say I'm pun to be width.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ndcr/i_like_to_play_on_words_and_measure_objects/
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I told my therapist that i am having suicidal thoughts

He now makes me pay in advance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1nc5n/i_told_my_therapist_that_i_am_having_suicidal/
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What does a 90 year old woman have in her knickers that a 20 year old doesn't?

Her tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1n54y/what_does_a_90_year_old_woman_have_in_her/
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There's a movie about people who carve statues of the dead that show only their heads and shoulders

Ghostbusters!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1n3mu/theres_a_movie_about_people_who_carve_statues_of/
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I was eating lunch in the park...

...when all of a sudden a crow landed in front of me and promptly keeled over on its side. I set my lunch down and leaned forward to see what the matter was.
In that moment, an owl swooped in, plucked my sandwich off the bench, and carried it up to the treetop above me. Imagine my further surprise when the crow sprang to its feet and fluttered up to join the owl in devouring my sandwich.
I think they were in caw-hoots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1n2j4/i_was_eating_lunch_in_the_park/
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The Ninety-Second Academy Awards

Sure seemed like the show was longer than that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1n2iq/the_ninetysecond_academy_awards/
%
Why do ducks wear underwear?

To hide their butt-quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1mdg1/why_do_ducks_wear_underwear/
%
What did the Kamikaze pilot say to his students?

Pay attention, "I am only going to do this once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1mbfj/what_did_the_kamikaze_pilot_say_to_his_students/
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My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.

He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1m93m/my_friend_is_a_jehovas_witness/
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A group of farming mathmeticians in the Midwest are doing well for themselves

These farmers use their mathmatical expertise to best know how to plot their lands, when to start planting or harvesting, and overall how to have a good yield.
Recently, the state has been pushing for a ban on diesel-engine tractors due to their heavy usage on non-renewable resources and how much greenhouse gases they emit.
The mathmetician farmers are totally against this, so they decide to start the Pro-Tractor movement.
(please be easy on me with this, I'm not very good at putting jokes I say into words)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1m5du/a_group_of_farming_mathmeticians_in_the_midwest/
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Celebrating Cake Day with one of my favorite jokes... How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1m0e0/celebrating_cake_day_with_one_of_my_favorite/
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Today my teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently in full HD wasn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1lukp/today_my_teacher_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
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Did you hear about that Islamic singer?

His songs were Shiite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1lb0b/did_you_hear_about_that_islamic_singer/
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Which famous Arab invented potato chips?

Sultan Vinegar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1l92u/which_famous_arab_invented_potato_chips/
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NSFW: PINOCCHIO WENT TO GO SEE HIS OLD FRIEND GEPPETTO...

After some small talk,Geppetto ask Pinocchio,"So Pinocchio, tell me,how is your love life?"
Pinocchio reluctantly tells him,"Well Gepetto, the women complain about me getting splinters in their vagina.
"I have just the thing,"Geppetto continues. He leaves the room and came back with some sandpaper.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Pinocchio asks.
"Well use this sandpaper on your penis and get it nice and smooth.The girls will love you."
Two weeks later Pinocchio returns.
"So Pinocchio,tell me now,did that sandpaper help?Are you getting lots of girls?"
Smiling from ear-to-ear Pinocchio happily says,"Shit!Who needs girls?I got sandpaper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1l25b/nsfw_pinocchio_went_to_go_see_his_old_friend/
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A Bus conductor once commited a very brutal crime and was sentenced to be electrocuted but he survived the electrocution even after multiple unsuccessful attempts

Because he was a bad conductor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1l07c/a_bus_conductor_once_commited_a_very_brutal_crime/
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A man lives on the banks of an Egyptian river

A man lives along the banks of an Egyptian river. Every year the river floods, yet the man remains certain that the river will not destroy his house. One year, the people in his settlement try to persuade him to evacuate, as the floods of that year were vicious. The man did not listen, thinking he was right, but the floods came within the month, ruining his house and pulling him, and the debris, into the river. The people, watching from the shores, shouted at him, telling him he was stupid to not listen. But he ignored them as he was still in de-Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1kzhw/a_man_lives_on_the_banks_of_an_egyptian_river/
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A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he goes to the sheriff just to make sure he isn’t breaking the law in anyway. He explains everything and the sheriff just laughs and says, “Of course those Russians are buying your potatoes, Russians love dictators!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1kluy/a_farmer_is_trying_to_grow_hydroponic_potatoes/
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You know what they say about guys with big feet?

Also, do you know what they say about guys that drive huge trucks?
Now you know why people are terrified of clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1kcbt/you_know_what_they_say_about_guys_with_big_feet/
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What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1k8h0/what_happens_when_you_dont_pay_your_exorcist/
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You know the majority of folks down south hate left leaning politicians and it finally hit me as to why.....

They watch nascar drivers lean left 500 times every Sunday and just cant take anymore left in their life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1jtbr/you_know_the_majority_of_folks_down_south_hate/
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What do you think Abraham Lincoln would say if he was alive today?

“Help! Let me out of this box! I can’t breathe in here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1jnsi/what_do_you_think_abraham_lincoln_would_say_if_he/
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What does 90 year old pussy taste like?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ix2v/what_does_90_year_old_pussy_taste_like/
%
If you go home with someone and they have the banner of the former Soviet Union flag hanging on the wall

That’s a big red flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1it3f/if_you_go_home_with_someone_and_they_have_the/
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My friend asked me whether he should take the job as a tester for super strength Viagra.

I said, “Go ahead. How hard can it be?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ipuw/my_friend_asked_me_whether_he_should_take_the_job/
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A genie asked, "What’s your first wish?"

# Steve replies, "I wish I was rich!"
The genie responds, "Done! So what's your second wish, Rich?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ik8m/a_genie_asked_whats_your_first_wish/
%
My heart is so full...

And now it's empty
And now it's full again
And now it's empty
And now it's full again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ifen/my_heart_is_so_full/
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A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1i7dt/a_woman_approached_me_in_the_street_the_other_day/
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Two guys are driving together late at night

They notice a stake in the ground on the side of the road with the letters “RE” on it. “Hmmm” they ponder, “what’s that about?”
They continue on, and they notice another. Then one more.
At this point, the passenger merely sighs out of boredom, and then passes out, exhausted.
Meanwhile, the driver continues on.  He starts seeing the signs with increasing frequency - RE, RE, RE, RE...
As it is quite late, he starts becoming a bit delirious and begins to imagine a crazy cat screeching with every sign he passes - “RE! RE! RE! RE!” The image is so strong in his mind that he can see the cat’s face and body and hear crystal clear the screech “RE! RE! RE! RE!”
At this point, he finds this image to be so hilarious that he can no longer contain himself and begins crazily laughing and swerving the car.
All this commotion wakes up the passenger who exclaims “what in the world is going on?”
Coming back to his senses, and realizing he could never articulate the crazy story to his friend, the driver says:
“Oh, nothing. Just another repost.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1hwsb/two_guys_are_driving_together_late_at_night/
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I got a temporary tattoo

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1hvut/i_got_a_temporary_tattoo/
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Why does the goldfish start fading to white?

Too much artifishal coloring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1hraa/why_does_the_goldfish_start_fading_to_white/
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What kind of pants do the Mario Bros. wear?

Denim denim denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1hj7h/what_kind_of_pants_do_the_mario_bros_wear/
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The best prison nickname would be mitochondria...

That way everyone would know you're the powerhouse of the cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1hetd/the_best_prison_nickname_would_be_mitochondria/
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My grief counselor died recently

Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1hbzt/my_grief_counselor_died_recently/
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How do you teach an American an Irish accent

Say the following words:
Whale.
Oil.
Beef.
Hooked.
One more time. . .
Now say them all together fast.
(Heard on NPR yesterday)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1hbvt/how_do_you_teach_an_american_an_irish_accent/
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The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say "Get down Mr. President!"

Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1gvrd/the_secret_service_are_no_longer_allowed_to_say/
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What's the difference between a dad joke and an uncle joke?

Whether you groan or moan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1gq6f/whats_the_difference_between_a_dad_joke_and_an/
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I go for a run 3 days a week!

I do wish the ice cream truck went down my street more often though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ga89/i_go_for_a_run_3_days_a_week/
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Storm Ciara

I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?"
Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley"
Realised my phone was in Airplane mode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ga4k/storm_ciara/
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Stephen King has a son named Joe

I’m not joking, but he is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1g3uu/stephen_king_has_a_son_named_joe/
%
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1fzal/i_hate_it_when_engineering_students_refer_to/
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What you call someone that feels dead inside?

A necrophiliac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1fxal/what_you_call_someone_that_feels_dead_inside/
%
During my annual check-up today, I asked my doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?" He replied, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "Sorry, but I don't really believe in any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ftiy/during_my_annual_checkup_today_i_asked_my_doctor/
%
I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

Wooden start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1fqyt/i_once_bought_a_wooden_car_wooden_engine_wooden/
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Got a new jpb

After landing my new job as a Walmart “Greeter - a good find for many retirees. I lasted less than a day . About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." I then said,"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't fucking twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just fucking stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone fucked you twice... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1fpnu/got_a_new_jpb/
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So a really strong man walks into a bar

The bar says, “ow”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1fo64/so_a_really_strong_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why are fire trucks red???

Because they have 8 wheels....
They hold 4 passengers...
8+4=12...
There are 12 inches in a foot...
A foot is also known as a ruler...
Queen Elizabeth was a ruler...
Queen Elizabeth was also the name of a ship...
That ship sailed the seas...
In the seas there are fish...
Fish have fins...
The Fins fought the Russians...
And Russians are red...
And firetrucks are always Russian around...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1f795/why_are_fire_trucks_red/
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What's the only "B" word you should call a woman?

Beautiful.
Bitches love to be called beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1f3l9/whats_the_only_b_word_you_should_call_a_woman/
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Did you know that a piranha can eat a child done to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1f3j1/did_you_know_that_a_piranha_can_eat_a_child_done/
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Old Macdonald, feeling lonely on his farm, asks his donkey what his favorite quality in a woman is. His donkey replies.

"I'm an ass man"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1f2az/old_macdonald_feeling_lonely_on_his_farm_asks_his/
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So you know how sometimes you can't help but eat what's in front of you even though you know its bad?

Anyway I lost my job  at the gynecologists today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1euu8/so_you_know_how_sometimes_you_cant_help_but_eat/
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A blonde got tired of blonde jokes...

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N," she answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1eti2/a_blonde_got_tired_of_blonde_jokes/
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What do you call a person who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender
My mom came up with this and told me to post it so tell me if you enjoy it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1er8p/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_takes_care_of/
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What do christian vegans hunt?

Lettuce prey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1e6j4/what_do_christian_vegans_hunt/
%
boob job

A woman goes to the doctor to ask about options to get bigger breasts. After talking to the doc she decides that all of the options are either too risky or too expensive.
As she is leaving the doc says, "Well there is one thing you could try, but you have to do it EVERY DAY." He tells her to rub her chest and say, "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow grow."
She leaves the office, thinking the doctor is out of his mind.
However, after thinking a while she figures, "Why not? It's free, it's easy... what do I have to lose?" So, every morning before work she chants: "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow grow."
After a few weeks it begins to work! She is thrilled.
One morning a few weeks later she wakes up late for work. She rushes to catch the bus without doing her daily chant.
She doesn't want to miss even one day, so she goes to the back of the bus and whispers while rubbing her chest, "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow grow."
The man sitting in front of her turns around and says, "Excuse me. Are you a patient of Dr. Fletcher?"
Embarrassed, she says, "Yes. Why do you ask?"
And the guy says, "Hickory Dickory Dock..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1e188/boob_job/
%
An elderly man had a confession to make.

The elderly man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest. “Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest. “It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?” “Of course, my son,” said the priest. The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1dudb/an_elderly_man_had_a_confession_to_make/
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What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?

Alien vs. predator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1dmlx/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_an_immigrant_an/
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So this girls comes into my tattoo parlor begging to get live laugh love tattooed on her back

Normally I'd say no but she was pretty hot. Next she says she doesn't have any money.
Her: "I can pay you with my watch?"
Me: "I don't want your fake Rolex. Tell you what. I'll tattoo you if you show me your titties."
Her: "What? No way! I'm not showing you my tits. Ask for something else."
Me: "Ok how about just one of your tits?"
Her: "Just one?"
Me: "Yep. Tit for tat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1dkj5/so_this_girls_comes_into_my_tattoo_parlor_begging/
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It would be ironic if a movie about The Flat Earth Society...

Wins the Golden Globe award.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ddnv/it_would_be_ironic_if_a_movie_about_the_flat/
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Jiffy foods are good and all, but I can never remember how to spell their name

I know it starts with a big J, then after that it's a little iffy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ddj2/jiffy_foods_are_good_and_all_but_i_can_never/
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A submarine sounds the emergency alarm

“What is it? cries the captain.
“It’s the navigation, sir” replies the commander. “I can’t get our bearings! There don’t seem to be any continents in this region!”
And that’s why this sub went down. A lack of a regional continent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1d8v7/a_submarine_sounds_the_emergency_alarm/
%
My wife always screams during sex

But, it’s usually when I walk in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1d7ef/my_wife_always_screams_during_sex/
%
Would you rather be blind or deaf?

I don’t know about you, but I just can’t see myself being blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1d65u/would_you_rather_be_blind_or_deaf/
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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying,  Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,
"Mike--Mike."
"Who is it ?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams !"
"So, what's the bad news  ?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday's match !!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1cxik/two_90_year_old_men_mike_and_joe_have_been/
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Why'd the chicken cross the basketball court?

The ref was calling fowls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1cx7l/whyd_the_chicken_cross_the_basketball_court/
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What's reverse exorcism?

When a demon commands a priest to leave the body of a child

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1cj81/whats_reverse_exorcism/
%
A priest was standing on the side of the road, holding a sign that said, "The end is near! Turn around before it's too late!"

A man drove up to the priest in his car, rolled down his window, and said, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" He rolled the window back up and drove off in anger.
The priest thought to himself, "I knew my sign should have just said 'Bridge Out'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1chae/a_priest_was_standing_on_the_side_of_the_road/
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Old guy to friend: "I just bought the most expensive hearing aid in the world. Works great!"

Friend: "Cool! What kind is it?"
Old guy: "Quarter to ten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ch0s/old_guy_to_friend_i_just_bought_the_most/
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I have one question for porn directors who end scenes with a thirty second close-up of the dude's face.

Where the fuck do you get off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1cgj4/i_have_one_question_for_porn_directors_who_end/
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An Irishman walks into a bar.

He orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1cfhv/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar/
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A engineer, a doctor, and a priest were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.”
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1cecd/a_engineer_a_doctor_and_a_priest_were_stuck/
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Can’t a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?

Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1c9lr/cant_a_girl_just_say_good_morning_to_a_guy_like_a/
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A few months ago, my dick suddenly turned red. I have been keeping a diary about it since then.

I call it the Chronicles of Reddick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1c4tm/a_few_months_ago_my_dick_suddenly_turned_red_i/
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What did the Redditor say when someone coughed near them?

Thanks for the cold, kind stranger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1bm1b/what_did_the_redditor_say_when_someone_coughed/
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What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?

A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit.
A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1barj/whats_the_difference_between_a_constipated_owl/
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"When I started my job, they handed me three envelopes."

"*These three envelopes were left to you by the previous employee who was recently let go. He said to open them in order if you ever got into a jam.*"
The job didn't seem so tough, and after all, why would I want to take advice from the guy who was just fired? I threw the envelopes into a drawer and settled into my new job. The people were friendly, there were always fresh donuts and bottomless coffee, and everything always just fell into place.
Until one day it hit the fan. Everyone came looking for me for this major issue, and I'll be honest, I didn't know what to do. For whatever reason, I was reminded of the envelopes and proceeded to open the one marked #1.
"*Blame the previous guy.*"
Well, sure! I mean, if it wasn't for all the stuff he did in the past, we wouldn't be in this predicament now! I told everyone it was the previous guy's fault, and everyone seemed to accept that. Slowly, business got back to normal. I felt like I dodged a bullet. Months went by and not a single bump in the road. And then...Another emergency. I could hear people yelling my name, and not in a good way. Without hesitation, I reached for envelope #2.
"*Blame the support staff*."
Right? I mean, if they were doing their job and told me sooner, I could've fixed all of this before it was even a problem! Everyone nodded. Couldn't argue with that logic. I was relieved to have dodged another bullet. I must be pretty good at this after all!
A full year went by and, sure, some people had since been let go, but I was still sitting pretty with a good job and a carefree attitude. Things just always seemed to work out! When the next crisis hit, I wasn't even phased. I could hear the people yelling my name, and I could almost even imagine them carrying pitchforks all aimed at me. Whatever. I still had that final envelope which I opened as everyone was amassed at my door.
"*Prepare three envelopes,*" it said...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1b610/when_i_started_my_job_they_handed_me_three/
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Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1b543/fifty_bucks_is_fifty_bucks/
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A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1b3yf/a_chineseowned_social_media_platform_has_been/
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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1axwz/north_koreans_believe_they_live_in_the_best/
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Wandering through the hot desert, a youthful looking man comes upon a tent. Intrigued, he ventures inside...

...there before him lies a table with three upright cups. Behind the table, grinning ear to ear, is the proprietor.
“Welcome! Welcome!”, the proprietor says. “Care to play? Only five shekels. Keep track of which cup has the bean under it and win double.”
Unmoved, the man replies, “Certainly not. The inside of those cups is coated with animal glue. While you move the cups around, the bean will stick to the inside. And, it will appear that any cup I select has no bean underneath when you lift it.”
“Is that so?” says the proprietor, glaring at the man with his best poker face.
“Indeed” says the man. “In fact, even now you have a tell. Your left eye is twitching, and your right index finger is tapping the table. Further, as I describe this to you, there are two beads of sweat starting to slowly drip down your left temple.”
Stunned, the proprietor asks” how in the world did you figure me out?”
*POOF* In an instant, the mask is removed and the youthful looking man is revealed to be quite old and wise.
“Let this be a valuable lesson to you” he says. “Things aren’t always what they seem.”
“So you’ve seen this before?” the proprietor asks.
“I certainly have,” replies the man. “In fact, it feels like forever ago now, but I was even there for the original con tent.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1avcn/wandering_through_the_hot_desert_a_youthful/
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In America, dogs are K9...

In China, dogs are E10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1auqr/in_america_dogs_are_k9/
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A man is drowning in the ocean

. Another man on a boat sails towards him and says:
Boat man: Are you drowning? Do you need help?
Drowning man: Don't worry God will save me.
The man in the boat sails away.
A  second boat man sail up and asks the same question:
Boat man 2: Are you drowning? Do you want me to help you?
Drowning man: Its  alright, God will save me.
The second man sails away, and a third man on a boat appears and once more they ask:
Boat man 3: Are you alright? Do you want me to help you?
Drowning man: It will be okay God will save me.
The third man goes on, and the man drowns and goes to heaven to meet God.
Drowned man: Why did you not save me?
God: I sent you three boats!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1al90/a_man_is_drowning_in_the_ocean/
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FUN FACT: If you sneeze and fart at the same time...

Your body takes a screenshot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1ai9r/fun_fact_if_you_sneeze_and_fart_at_the_same_time/
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A charity worker

Asked me if I wanted to run a marathon, I was gonna say no but he said it was for disabled children and kids with learning difficulties.
I thought fuck me I might win this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1aati/a_charity_worker/
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Criminals are getting sneakier these days.

Last night I was woken up by my wife, who said "there's someone downstairs". So I went down to check, and five minutes later it hit me... I haven't got a wife. So I ran back upstairs and it was too late, the bed had gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1a8vk/criminals_are_getting_sneakier_these_days/
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Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years

The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1a78y/out_of_all_the_inventions_in_the_last_100_years/
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After work, I volunteer to help blind children.

Btw - Verb, not Adjective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1a6wr/after_work_i_volunteer_to_help_blind_children/
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A chemistry professor posted a bonus question on an exam.

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f19ycr/a_chemistry_professor_posted_a_bonus_question_on/
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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station

when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f19su4/a_firefighter_was_working_on_the_engine_outside/
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I met a girl who used to take care of owls for rich people who had them as pets.

I asked her if she was an ornithologist. She was not. I said, "So you're just like a bird baby sitter?" "Of course not"., she replied.
"I'm a Hootenanny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f19n2j/i_met_a_girl_who_used_to_take_care_of_owls_for/
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If money can’t buy happiness,

then why are drugs so expensive?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f19mg9/if_money_cant_buy_happiness/
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Well, to be frank...

I'd have to change my name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f19j94/well_to_be_frank/
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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan.

I think they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f19cmq/i_trapped_a_couple_of_vegans_in_my_basement_at/
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If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for?

Old age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f19cdz/if_abraham_lincoln_were_alive_today_what_would_he/
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A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f199vh/a_husband_will_only_have_sex_with_his_wife_on_one/
%
What's the difference between sex and mental illness?

Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f199fc/whats_the_difference_between_sex_and_mental/
%
I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f192pt/i_wanna_tell_my_girlfriend_shes_using_way_too/
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Did you hear Tampax is donating slightly defective tampons to charities?

No strings attached

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f190ah/did_you_hear_tampax_is_donating_slightly/
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What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was offered the role of the main character of a movie about an 18th century German composer?

“I’ll be Bach”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f18y2q/what_did_arnold_schwarzenegger_say_when_he_was/
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Q: How is life like a penis?

A: Your girlfriend makes it hard.
and she's a big old bitch like her mother..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f18v51/q_how_is_life_like_a_penis/
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I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f18ruy/i_bought_a_new_deodorant_yesterday_the/
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So there’s this teacher that tells her class anyone who correctly answers a special question she’s going to ask on Friday won’t have to come to school on Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Dave Chappell, see ya on Tuesday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f18rrl/so_theres_this_teacher_that_tells_her_class/
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So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait?

Doesn't seem like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f18q72/so_after_all_your_time_on_the_internet_have_you/
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🇨🇦 Man goes to doctor,,, says dddddoctor ppplease ffffix mmyy ssssttutering pppproblem.

Doc says ok we’re running some tests
Thththaanx dddoc
Doc comes back in and says, we found the problem, your dicks too long and it’s pulling on your intestines which is pulling vocal chords, causing you to stutter- the solution is to take 6” out of the middle of your penis!
Ggggeeee dddoc idk my wife mmmight ggget upset, bbbbut oooookk,
Doc performs surgery .. guy says oh man thanx doc!
1 week later guy comes back into docs office...” doc doc you gotta sew it back in, my wife’s going to leave me
Doc says”itsits ttttoooo llllate”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f18gtk/man_goes_to_doctor_says_dddddoctor_ppplease/
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I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

"Miaow!"
"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"
"Woof woof!"
"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"
"David, if you even think about going out to that fucking pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"
That's my boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f18bt9/i_said_to_my_twoyearold_son_now_what_noise_does_a/
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My grandfather is really frustrated at the new stair lift he installed in his house.

It’s driving him up the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f189pd/my_grandfather_is_really_frustrated_at_the_new/
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If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f184o5/if_i_had_50c_every_time_i_failed_a_maths_test/
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What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f18107/whats_that_italian_dessert_called_where_you_pour/
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(not OC) I truly believe that Allah is the one true God.

The universe started with an explosion, didn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f17zso/not_oc_i_truly_believe_that_allah_is_the_one_true/
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I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died

In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f17jvn/i_was_fired_from_my_job_as_a_zoo_keeper_after_all/
%
What's the difference between sex and mental illness?

Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f17h83/whats_the_difference_between_sex_and_mental/
%
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes, we arson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f17dxv/dad_are_we_pyromaniacs/
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A man goes into the restaurant

He looks at the menu and he says to the waiter"ill   have the octopus"
The waiter says"just to warn you, sir, it does take 4 and a half hours to cook"
The man says"4 and a half hours to cook! Why does it take so long?"
The waiter says"well we cook them alive and they keep turning the gas off".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f17chl/a_man_goes_into_the_restaurant/
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Life is like a game of golf,

Whoever has the least amount of strokes wins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f17bgd/life_is_like_a_game_of_golf/
%
Shitty joke: Diarrhea is hereditary...

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f16xr2/shitty_joke_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
What's green and not heavy?

Light green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f16wim/whats_green_and_not_heavy/
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I don't do threesomes...

...If I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time, I'd visit my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f16m2o/i_dont_do_threesomes/
%
He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, “Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . ”

“Stop — I *don’t* permit talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the gent tried again, “People say about the Pope … ”
“No religion talk, either,” the bartender cut in.
One more try to break the boredom… “I thought the Yankees would…”
“No sports talk…That’s how fights start in bars. ” the barman said.
“Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?”
“Sure.”
“Good. Go fuck yourself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f16lnv/he_sat_in_the_bar_and_looking_to_strike_up_a/
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I’ve been stuck trying to leave Rome for weeks!

But all the roads have this weird design flaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f16jvk/ive_been_stuck_trying_to_leave_rome_for_weeks/
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When helping look for a missing person....

You always want to be as helpful as possible. Just not so helpful that you find the body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f16e7t/when_helping_look_for_a_missing_person/
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Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?

Because spreading misinformation is government's job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f16cxc/why_china_is_arresting_people_for_spreading/
%
Do you know why Churches dont make jokes?

They have Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f16brn/do_you_know_why_churches_dont_make_jokes/
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A Man Dies In A Tragic Car Crash With Two Friends.

They all end up in Heaven and are asked, "When people see you in your casket at your funeral, what would you like to hear them say?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a very competent doctor and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and someone who had made a real difference in the world.
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Hey look, he's moving!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f16a1m/a_man_dies_in_a_tragic_car_crash_with_two_friends/
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"I've just had the worst time" the boy said.

"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy."
"Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?"
"I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f162ig/ive_just_had_the_worst_time_the_boy_said/
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A man has to choose from his 3 girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.
The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."
The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f15z5q/a_man_has_to_choose_from_his_3_girlfriends/
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If a Nun changed sex...

Would that make them a tran-sister?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f15yvg/if_a_nun_changed_sex/
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Went to library and asked a book about suicide

The librarian said: "Fuck off, I know you wont return it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f15sw9/went_to_library_and_asked_a_book_about_suicide/
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Dr. Johnson is approached by Ted, a new vampire.

“I just got turned,” Ted tells him. “You gotta help me out. I need blood, and I don’t want to kill anyone.”
Dr. Johnson agrees to help, providing Ted with the blood bags he needs. He refers Ted to counseling to deal with the psychological effects of the change. He even lets Ted crash on his couch while he looks for a job with a night shift opening.
But a week later, during his rounds on the coma ward, Dr. Johnson notices suspicious marks on several necks.
Ted confesses. “I just couldn’t resist.”
Dr. Johnson sighs. “I wanted to help you. I really did. I gave you food, and I even offered you a place to stay. But now, Ted—”
Dr Johnson shakes his head.  “You’re beginning to try my patients.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f15scl/dr_johnson_is_approached_by_ted_a_new_vampire/
%
-Doc, I have hearing problems

-Could you describe the symptoms?
-Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f15pwl/doc_i_have_hearing_problems/
%
Despite my major dislike of tattoos, my wife recently got one of a club, diamond, heart and spade

I just can't deal with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f15loy/despite_my_major_dislike_of_tattoos_my_wife/
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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f15im5/a_carrot_a_pickle_and_a_penis_were_talking_about/
%
What do you call a pickle you buy at a great price?

A sweet Dill!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f15gi8/what_do_you_call_a_pickle_you_buy_at_a_great_price/
%
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

Must be the very high Mercury content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f15d31/i_watched_bohemian_rhapsody_three_times_in_a_row/
%
A boy asks his dad about the difference between theory and practice.

So the dad tells him to go and ask his sister, mother, and grandmother whether or not they would be willing to sleep with a man for 1 million dollars.
The boy asks his grandmother who says "for much less"
Then his mother who says "beats sleeping with that broke son of a bitch you call father"
Then his sister who says "hell yeah"
The boy returns to his father with the survey data and upon inquiring about what they mean his father says "In theory we have 3 million dollars, and in practice we have 3 hookers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f155jx/a_boy_asks_his_dad_about_the_difference_between/
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Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.

Cause you don't turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f153f1/reverse_cowgirl_is_set_to_be_outlawed_in_alabama/
%
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine.

The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f14waa/a_couple_is_sitting_on_the_porch_sipping_wine/
%
[Nsfw] Wife jumps out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a cape and screams..

SUPER PUSSY
Husband: I'll have the soup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f14hfp/nsfw_wife_jumps_out_of_the_bathroom_wearing/
%
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f14fml/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_that_stole_a/
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Irish Divorce

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
“What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never got your e-mail!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1439t/irish_divorce/
%
Why did the unicyclist win?

Because the bicyclist was two tyred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f13vtj/why_did_the_unicyclist_win/
%
I got to the doctor for a physical and he tells me he needs a stool, urine, semen and blood sample

I tell him I'm in a rush doc can't I just leave you my underwear?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f13sqa/i_got_to_the_doctor_for_a_physical_and_he_tells/
%
How can you tell your acne is getting out of control?

The blind begin to read your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f13k7i/how_can_you_tell_your_acne_is_getting_out_of/
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We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier

But it was getting late so we decided to call it a knight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f13887/we_argued_all_day_about_what_to_call_a_medieval/
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My girlfriend wants me to take her somewhere that they make they food right in front of you for Valentine’s.

Subway here I come...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f12lkb/my_girlfriend_wants_me_to_take_her_somewhere_that/
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Why did Princess Leia leave home?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f12drb/why_did_princess_leia_leave_home/
%
Here comes the judge

"Mr. Clark, I've reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce-court judge says, "and I've decided to award your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, Your Honor" the husband says. "And every now and then, I'll try to send a few bucks myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f12db6/here_comes_the_judge/
%
What kind of meat do priests eat?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f12d4c/what_kind_of_meat_do_priests_eat/
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What did the doe say as she walked out of the woods?

I’ll never do that for two bucks again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f1281b/what_did_the_doe_say_as_she_walked_out_of_the/
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What do you call a Muslim bug ?

A mosque-ito.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f120n4/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_bug/
%
My girlfriend told me she prefers No Strings Attached.

And then the removed my parachute midair b

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f11z2j/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_prefers_no_strings/
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It’s absolutely disgusting the way people cheat on their taxes...

This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f11xq1/its_absolutely_disgusting_the_way_people_cheat_on/
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I heard that before he died, The Notorious B.I.G. wanted to become a woman.

His new rap name was going to be Trans Fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f11ove/i_heard_that_before_he_died_the_notorious_big/
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac

are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f11nt6/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
%
An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occured to her that she had not seen a Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a "W.C." near the room.
The schoolmaster was a poor master of english so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C." and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was "Wayside Chapel". The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with her room.
Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a "W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ accompaniest. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heared everywhere. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression on their faces.
The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy resident of the district, which rings every time a person enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly: it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders.
Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,
Sincerely, The Schoolmaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f11m72/an_english_schoolteacher_was_in_switzerland/
%
When does a dad joke become a dad joke?

when it becomes apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f11jeu/when_does_a_dad_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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A study shows 90% of people couldn’t distinguish between the epididymis and the perineal membrane

But trust me, there’s a vas deferens between the two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f11irt/a_study_shows_90_of_people_couldnt_distinguish/
%
You should never run with scissors...

And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f11ert/you_should_never_run_with_scissors/
%
The Doctor Gave Me One Year to Live.

So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f11dxu/the_doctor_gave_me_one_year_to_live/
%
"Excuse me," I said to the hot girl sat in front of me on the bus.

"You have some semen on the back of your jacket."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f11bn6/excuse_me_i_said_to_the_hot_girl_sat_in_front_of/
%
What's the best thing about fingering a Gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f11at7/whats_the_best_thing_about_fingering_a_gypsy_on/
%
What’s the difference between a zit and a Priest?

A zit will wait until you’re at least 12 before it comes on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f10zx3/whats_the_difference_between_a_zit_and_a_priest/
%
My favorite whorehouse changed to handjobs only..

I'm having a hard time coming to grips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f10wa2/my_favorite_whorehouse_changed_to_handjobs_only/
%
What do you call a Spanish marathon runner?

Ricardio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f10tao/what_do_you_call_a_spanish_marathon_runner/
%
I’ve been trying to cheer my unemployed friends up by telling them jokes

But none of them seem to work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f10rey/ive_been_trying_to_cheer_my_unemployed_friends_up/
%
Heard they are making a movie about clocks

Its about time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f10i80/heard_they_are_making_a_movie_about_clocks/
%
I was planning on telling a joke about unemployment

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f10i5y/i_was_planning_on_telling_a_joke_about/
%
I've just got a job as a triangle player in a reggae band

I just stand at the back and ting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f10h0v/ive_just_got_a_job_as_a_triangle_player_in_a/
%
[NSFW] What does the mafia and pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f10f1f/nsfw_what_does_the_mafia_and_pussy_have_in_common/
%
I just told my family about my secret life as a pastor...

They know about my altar ego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f10cpr/i_just_told_my_family_about_my_secret_life_as_a/
%
Golden showers are the only litmus test for a relationship.

How else will you know urine love?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f10cnz/golden_showers_are_the_only_litmus_test_for_a/
%
What do you call a polar bear that exhibits rapid mood swings like that of a manic depressive, can live in both the arctic and antarctic, and shows equal sexual attraction to both male and female partners?

A bipolar bi-polar bi polar bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f108v8/what_do_you_call_a_polar_bear_that_exhibits_rapid/
%
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.

Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0zzq7/you_cant_breathe_through_your_nose_while_smiling/
%
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head...

cuz it is capsized...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0zyy7/if_your_boat_turns_upside_down_in_the_river_you/
%
When he came on her stomach, the cum dripped down into her belly button.

The seamen were trying to get to the navel base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0zuoz/when_he_came_on_her_stomach_the_cum_dripped_down/
%
Little Johnny sees the condom display at the drug store

And he asks his dad, "Why is there a three pack?"
Dad says, "That's for when you're in high school, Johnny: two for Friday night, one for Saturday night."
Johnny says, "Ok. Well, what about the pack with six?"
Dad says "That's for when you're in college: two for Friday night,one for Saturday morning, two for Saturday night, and one for Sunday afternoon."
Johnny says, "Ok, I get it. But what about the twelve pack?"
Dad says, "That's for when you're married."
Johnny: "When I'm married?"
Dad: "Yeah. One for January, one for February, one for March..... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0zsqj/little_johnny_sees_the_condom_display_at_the_drug/
%
6. Alabama Facts.

1. What does an Alabama girl use for protection during sex? A bus shelter.
2. What do you call a 30 year old Alabama girl? Nan.
3. What do you call an Alabama girl in a white tracksuit? The Bride.
4. What's the first question on a quiz night it an Alabama club?
What you looking at Cunt?
5. In Alabama 4 rednecks in a car, who is driving? The Police.
6. What is the most confusing day in Alabama? Fathers Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0zqkj/6_alabama_facts/
%
Why don’t natives like snow???

Because it’s white and it’s on their land

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0znva/why_dont_natives_like_snow/
%
Why did the man collapse after his condom was removed?

It was load bearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0zfiz/why_did_the_man_collapse_after_his_condom_was/
%
Blessings from god

The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0zb5w/blessings_from_god/
%
How many beverages does Saitama consume at a party?

One Punch, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0z9e4/how_many_beverages_does_saitama_consume_at_a_party/
%
A priest's sermon is going on and on

A man named Clarence gets up and leaves during the sermon and comes back towards the end of the service
The priest makes an effort to greet the man as he is leaving mass
The priest said, "Clarence, why did you get up and
leave?"
Clarence replied, "I went to get a haircut"
The priest responded, "You couldn't have had that done before mass?"
Clarence said, "I didn't need one before mass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0z4dy/a_priests_sermon_is_going_on_and_on/
%
My wife and I took our dog for a walk.

But we don’t need a leash. Our dog is very well trained. She walks right along next to us until she needs to pee or poop, and then she walks away a short distance to do her business when she’s gotta go.
Today we were walking past a small pond near our home, and it’s winter and freezing outside, so the pond was frozen. Our dog decided to run off right into the middle of the pond and take a dump.
We always pick up after our dog of course, so my wife asked me if I was going to go pick it up.
Are you kidding me? I ain’t falling for that shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0yztu/my_wife_and_i_took_our_dog_for_a_walk/
%
I'm new to BDSM, but my girlfriend is really supportive...

She said she'd show me the ropes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0yzel/im_new_to_bdsm_but_my_girlfriend_is_really/
%
I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.

Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0yxtu/i_bought_a_guitar_the_other_day_but_it_doesnt_work/
%
Where do we come from?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0yhlk/where_do_we_come_from/
%
The Pirate

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0ydzd/the_pirate/
%
Late in night, a coach filled with politicians falls into a ravine...

...the only witnesses are to shepherds
next day the news crew comes to the tragedy place and starts questioning the shepherds about the fresh dug graves
"So there weren't any survivors right" asked the reporter
"Well, they kept saying <<I'm alive>> but who believes them anyway." replied the shepherd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0yazy/late_in_night_a_coach_filled_with_politicians/
%
An old man walked into an ice cream parlor

and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool…
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0y3qf/an_old_man_walked_into_an_ice_cream_parlor/
%
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.

Then I lost my job as a driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0xvmd/today_was_a_terrible_day_first_my_ex_got_hit_by_a/
%
A man in a hot air balloon was lost in West Virginia

He looks down and sees a redneck so he screams down “where am I?” The redneck looks up and screams “you can’t fool me, you’re in that basket”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0xrni/a_man_in_a_hot_air_balloon_was_lost_in_west/
%
My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0xnvf/my_wife_and_i_often_laugh_about_how_competitive/
%
Hey girl, are you a Communist?

Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0wop7/hey_girl_are_you_a_communist/
%
Where does the know-it-all get their water?

From the well, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0wmdy/where_does_the_knowitall_get_their_water/
%
What do you call it when someone suddenly decides to take all of their clothes off?

spontanudity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0wjh2/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_suddenly_decides/
%
Yesterday, I ate a clock. It was very time consuming.

Especially when I came back for seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0w9en/yesterday_i_ate_a_clock_it_was_very_time_consuming/
%
My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.

He said: "Gil... remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0w7ih/my_asshole_twin_brother_just_called_me_from_prison/
%
Being addicted to cheese

Is emmental condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0w4jv/being_addicted_to_cheese/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

It really hurt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0vuvw/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I just found an origami porn channel

but it's paper view only.
Muhahaha....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0vuqe/i_just_found_an_origami_porn_channel/
%
I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided.

had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0vui5/i_think_a_lot_of_the_conflict_that_happened_in/
%
What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0vpa7/whats_the_last_thing_tickle_me_elmo_receives/
%
My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.

"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0vilk/my_buddy_just_got_kicked_out_of_his_house_his/
%
I'll wait

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra- large condoms.
He replies, “Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?”
She responds, “No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0vh1k/ill_wait/
%
"Daddy, how was I born?"

A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you were going to find out anyway. Your mom and I first got together in an internet chat room. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, a little Pop-up window appeared nine months later that said, ‘You got Male.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0vfa9/daddy_how_was_i_born/
%
I was checking into a hotel with my family and given that my sons are in their teens...

I murmured to the receptionist: "Is the porn channel disabled?"
"No," she snarled, "it's the regular kind, you sick fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0v42w/i_was_checking_into_a_hotel_with_my_family_and/
%
My first time on a cruise.

I’m on the cruise and it’s about to sail off, when the Captain says his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling out of Florida at around 3pm..." you know the whole routine.
However, he forgets to turn off the speaker so after the message all the passengers hear him say to one of his subordinates: “You know what I'd really want now? A cup of coffee, and a blowjob."
So now a cruise ship stewardess is panicking, and makes a run to the top deck to turn it off.
As she's running, one of the passengers shout  "Don't forget the coffee!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0v2z8/my_first_time_on_a_cruise/
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The Lift

>A Britisher walks into a NY hotel.
Receptionist: Hello sir, can I help you?
British: Yes, where is the lift?
Receptionist: Oh, do you mean the elevator?
British: The lift.
Receptionist: Sir it's called elevator, we know cause we invented it.
British: And we invented the language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0v2v0/the_lift/
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I would like to call out Dr. Goldstein and Central hospital; thanks to them, I’m walking again.

I had to sell my car to pay their bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0uvr0/i_would_like_to_call_out_dr_goldstein_and_central/
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What do you call a monkey that stepped on a minefield?

A Ba-boom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0utn9/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_that_stepped_on_a/
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A Vietnamese couple get married, but both want to keep their surname. Luckily neither mind, agreeing to double barrel the two names.

It’s a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0usbv/a_vietnamese_couple_get_married_but_both_want_to/
%
Something about rabbit races creeps me out.

It's hare racing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0ursj/something_about_rabbit_races_creeps_me_out/
%
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0uqi1/a_blind_man_visits_texas_when_he_gets_to_his/
%
Spot

was the most loyal puppy that a man could ask for.  His owner Bobby would would spend hours playing ball.  He was great with the kids.  The wife loved him.  He would stand guard over the house while his family was away at work and school.  However, there was one thing that bothered Bobby.  Whenever he would perform oral sex on his wife, Spot would come into the room and stare at Bobby.  Sometimes, he would tilt his head to the side as dogs often do with a curious look.  Bobby never shooed him away as it was the only thing that Spot did to annoy him.  They both lived happy long lives.  After Bobby passed away and he was passing through the pearly gates, Spot came running up to him and said "Hello".  Bobby was astonished.  In the afterlife, he would be able to communicate with Spot like never before.  The two were inseparable in heaven.  They laughed and talked for days on end.  Many years later, Bobby had to finally ask.  "Spot, Why did you always come and stare at me and the wife whenever I was pleasuring her?"  Spot looked at him, and spoke in a soft voice.  "Bobby, it is the only annoying thing that you ever did to me in my mortal body.  For years, I would come and patiently wait for you to finish, but not once did you leave  me any of the peanut butter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0upuh/spot/
%
Yo mama is so old...

Yo mama is so old that when I told her to act her age...she died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0umgv/yo_mama_is_so_old/
%
A man in the USSR goes shopping

He wants to celebrate with his wife the beginning of the nineties and want to organize a big meal.
He asks the butcher for some beef to which he replies.
"Sorry comrade, we do not have any beef"
The man then decides to go to another butcher down the street but he also tells him he has no beef either. But the man is still determined to find some beef. And so, he goes to every market, grocery and butcher in town but, alas, none seem to have any.
Frustrated, upon asking the last butcher in town he exclaims
"This country is pure crap, it can't even provide with some meat for it's citizens"
After saying that and rushing out of the shop he is stoped by a KGB agent which tells him
"Careful comrade. Consider yourself lucky, if you had said that some years ago things would have gone very differently, if you know what I mean" and, as he says that , he mimics being shot in the head with a gun.
When the man finally returns home his wife asks him.
"Let me guess, they run out of beef, didn't they?"
"Worse" the man replied "they run out of bullets"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0ulb3/a_man_in_the_ussr_goes_shopping/
%
Why do redditors wear goggles during sex?

To keep the mace out of their eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0ujqt/why_do_redditors_wear_goggles_during_sex/
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Becoming a Nazi

A 5 year old Jewish boy wanted to see what it was like to be a Nazi soldier so he dyed his hair blonde, put on a toothbrush mustache, and wore a red armband with a hand-drawn black swastika. He goes to his mother, “Look mama, I’m a Nazi!” and she punches him in the face. Then he goes to his father and says “Look papa, I’m a Nazi!” and he takes off his belt and beats him with it. Finally he goes to his grandma and says, “Grandma, I’m a Nazi now!” and she slaps him across the face and asks the boy “How does it feel to be a Nazi now?” He responds by saying “I’ve been a Nazi for 5 minutes and I already hate the Jews.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0uia6/becoming_a_nazi/
%
Never trust atoms...

They make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0uf4w/never_trust_atoms/
%
3 Guys died at a car crash and all went to hell.

One was American, the second was Chinese, and the third one was Mexican.
The devil then said, "If you survive my flaming whip, you can go to heaven."
The three guys accept the challenge
The devil then says, "Ok, you can put on anything as protection from the whip.
The American goes first. He puts on a very thick layer of armor and stands still.
The devil whips him with the whip and it goes right through him, splitting him in half.
Next goes the Chinese guy. He puts on nothing and stands there naked.
The devil, confused whips him as hard as he can and nothing happens.
He whips him again and again but still, nothing happens.
Next the Mexican goes and when the devil asked him what he wanted for protection, he simply asked, "Can I put on the Chinese guy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0udus/3_guys_died_at_a_car_crash_and_all_went_to_hell/
%
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..... “it  was then that I.... lost it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0u85a/a_lady_about_8_months_pregnant_got_on_a_bus_she/
%
Two cowboys are horseback riding

Two cowboys, one from Texas and one from Arkansas are riding their horses when they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in a barbed wire fence.  The Cowboy from Texas gets off his horse, gets behind the sheep and just goes to town.  When he finishes he jumps back on his horse and asks the cowboy from Arkansas "You want some of that?"   The Cowboy from Arkansas says "Yeah, I do.    But I don't think I can get my head stuck in the fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0u5nx/two_cowboys_are_horseback_riding/
%
After looking at the various candidates, I've decided we all need to vote for Thanos 2020

It'll be a "snap decision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0txnx/after_looking_at_the_various_candidates_ive/
%
Sir, you've got a very rare disease

Me: "How rare?"
Doctor: "You pick the name"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0tui4/sir_youve_got_a_very_rare_disease/
%
Before a fight, always yell "Commerce!"

so they know you mean business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0tt06/before_a_fight_always_yell_commerce/
%
If sounding my B’s as V’s makes me Russian

Then Soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0tps4/if_sounding_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_russian/
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Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0tngj/gandhi/
%
Brushing 3x a day

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Mickey furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, young man?!” she exclaimed.
“Don’t try to stop me!” Mickey warned. “I’m going to do this three times a day because there’s no way I’m going to get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister’s.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0tik5/brushing_3x_a_day/
%
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.....

....I think that's a bit far fetched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0tgvx/a_friend_of_mine_claims_he_can_throw_a_stick_5/
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Wrong place

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good “house of ill repute.” He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St., the office of a chiropodist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to get ready and someone would be with him soon.
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally, the doctor’s assistant, a really gorgeous redhead, entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.
“My goodness,” she exclaimed, “I was expecting to see a foot.”
“Well,” he said, “if you’re going to complain about an inch then I’ll take my business elsewhere.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0tdq9/wrong_place/
%
Adam asked God

**Adam**: *why did you make Eve so beautiful?*
**God**: *so you could fall in love with her*
**Adam**: *and why did you make her so stupid?*
**God**: *so she could fall in love with you*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0ta1p/adam_asked_god/
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Phillip Schofield is set to leave ITV

as he prefers BBC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0t8l0/phillip_schofield_is_set_to_leave_itv/
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The conversion

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $20."
Murray stops and stares at the sign. Abe turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"
"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."
Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"
Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.
"So," asks Abe, "did you convert?"
"Yes I did," says Murray.
"Did you get your twenty dollars?"
Murray looks at Abe and says, "Is that all you people think about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0sx5o/the_conversion/
%
What did a cheating snail say to his slug wife

Sorry but i love Michelle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0sw53/what_did_a_cheating_snail_say_to_his_slug_wife/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. Men can be feminists too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0stj3/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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People say Bernie Sanders isn’t a Democrat...

But what’s more like a Democrat than winning the popular vote and losing an election?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0solv/people_say_bernie_sanders_isnt_a_democrat/
%
what do we call a pair of identical twin cats?

Duplicats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0so41/what_do_we_call_a_pair_of_identical_twin_cats/
%
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0sm8q/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_who_couldnt/
%
[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.

I wanted a squirter.  Or a screamer.  Or even a moaner.  But no.  A sweater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0sgq5/nsfw_i_got_a_sweater_for_my_birthday/
%
What does a nuclear reactor and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0sf2l/what_does_a_nuclear_reactor_and_your_mom_have_in/
%
Why is Ireland the richest country in the world?

because it's capital is Dublin everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0sb8c/why_is_ireland_the_richest_country_in_the_world/
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RIP

One night, Joe brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. “How lovely, dear,” she said, “what’s the occasion?”
“I want to make love to you,” he said simply.
“Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.”
The next night Joe came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love to her.
“I’m awfully tired,” said his wife. “Not tonight.”
Every night for a week Joe brought home something, but each time his wife’s answer was “no.” Finally, he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.
“How adorable, Joe!” she cried. “But what are they for?” “These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0s7nl/rip/
%
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

She spat it right back in my face.
Credits: Jimmy Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0s7nf/i_gave_my_girlfriend_an_orgasm_last_night/
%
Why did the cow cross the road?

I don't know, ask your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0s3ou/why_did_the_cow_cross_the_road/
%
Two Saudi brothers

come to America and one buys a house on the west coast and the other on the east coast. They are so excited about being Americans and during their goodbyes they make a $10,000 bet: in two months they will meet again and the one that is the most American wins.
Two months pass and they meet again.
“Ismael! It’s so good to see you. Take a look. I have a Ford 350 dually 4x4 with lifts and a sticker of a cartoon character pissing on the Chevy symbol. It has a gun rack in the back and my son needs a step ladder to get in. Have you seen him?! He loves McDonalds and he’s already gained 25 pounds!  My wife watches Maury and smokes and follows all these Facebook groups. She won’t even vaccinate my baby girl. I surely won the bet!”
His brother replies: “Shut the fuck up towel head”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0rx6y/two_saudi_brothers/
%
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern
Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0rvke/once_i_saw_this_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
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A prisoner is put to death row today.

A guard is tasked with operating the electric chair on a prisoner. He tries to lighten the mood by telling a joke to the prisoner, then he flips the switch.
The prisoner survives the shocks, and guard wonders what went wrong.
"Your joke had a decent premise," says the prisoner. "But the execution was flawed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0rriu/a_prisoner_is_put_to_death_row_today/
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psychologist girl and law boy

\> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
\> The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
\> All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
\> After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
\> The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”
\> All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0rnt2/psychologist_girl_and_law_boy/
%
I saw my ex girlfriend standing on the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0rkrt/i_saw_my_ex_girlfriend_standing_on_the_other_end/
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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying,  Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,
"Mike--Mike."
"Who is it ?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams !"
"So, what's the bad news  ?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday's match !!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0rfei/two_90_year_old_men_mike_and_joe_have_been/
%
Street performer

An american, a frenchman, a spaniard, and a german, are all watching a street performer together. The performer is unsure of whether or not they can see him, so he stands on top of a box and asks "Can you see me now?" The group says "Yes. Oui. Si. Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0refi/street_performer/
%
A man walks into a bar

This is a long'un. Strap yourselves in.
A man walks into a bar and notices a large jar on the counter filled to the brim with cash, $50's, $20's. Must be a good few $thousand in the jar. The guy orders a drink and asks about the jar on the counter. "Oh that's for anyone who can beat the three challenges." "Ok, what's the three challenges", says our guy.
"First you see that guy in the corner?", the barman points to an absolute unit of a fella standing in the corner, "That's Big Dave, you gotta knock him out with one punch."
Then the barman points to a trapdoor on the floor, it's chained shut. "Next, my pitbull is in the basement, he's a big old angry bastard of a dog, head down there, pull out one of his teeth and bring it back to me."
"And then finally, see the old lady sat over at that table? That's Doris, she's 94, all she wants before she goes is to have the best, most passionate sex she's ever had. She's not long for this Earth, she needs the D and she wants it hard. Slam her bones like your riding a mechanical bull. You do all three of those challenges and this here jar is yours."
Fucking easy says our guy. He orders 5 shots of whiskey and downs them, one after the other in quick succession. He stands up, walks over to Big Dave and SMACK, punches him on the chin with the biblical quickness and down goes Big Dave. Out cold.
Now for the next one, he thinks. He walks over to the trapdoor which is being buffeted up and down by the snarling vicious dog. He quickly removes the chain, pushes the dog down the steps and runs down the stairs, slamming the trapdoor shut after him as he goes.
Five minutes goes by, there's loud snarling and tearing noises, our man screaming out in pain.
Ten minutes goes by, the sounds of smashing glass and furniture being thrown around, more screams, now some moans.
After fifteen minutes the trapdoor opens and our guys steps out, he's bleeding, he's covered in bites, his clothes are torn.
He walks up to the bar and says, "Right then, where's this old lady that needs a tooth pulled?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0rc1o/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road

Because i put the wrong socks on this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0r99u/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?

A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit.
A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0r61z/whats_the_difference_between_a_constipated_owl/
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What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south?

a bi-polar bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0r40u/what_do_you_call_a_bear_that_likes_to_spend_his/
%
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”
“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.
“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.”
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson.
The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”
“What can I do?” asks the wife.
“Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s *thing*.”
The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
“That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0r2g3/a_husband_and_wife_love_to_play_golf_together_but/
%
My girlfriend told me she wanted to get an abortion, and asked me to give her $50 to help pay for it.

About an hour later, she came back home with a copy of Warcraft 3: Reforged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0qnpt/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_wanted_to_get_an/
%
Veganism is like Communism..

They are both fine, unless you like food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0qm4h/veganism_is_like_communism/
%
At a convent, all nuns assemble for the morning sermon

The mother superior speaks up: "Last night, a man has been on our lands."
All nuns: "Ooooh!", except one nun: "Hehehe!"
MS: "The man entered one sister's chamber!"
All nuns: "Ooooh!", except one nun: "Hehehe!"
MS: "The man stayed in the chamber for one hour!"
All nuns: "Ooooh!", except one nun: "Hehehe!"
MS: "A used condom was found in one hallway!"
All nuns: "Ooooh!", except one nun: "Hehehe!"
MS: "The condom was broken!"
All nuns: "Hehehe!", except one nun: "Ooooh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0qkur/at_a_convent_all_nuns_assemble_for_the_morning/
%
So I split up with my boyfriend, last night and he stole my toilet...

Guess, I shouldn't have told him to take all his shit and leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0qip5/so_i_split_up_with_my_boyfriend_last_night_and_he/
%
My teacher is like 5 but square rooted.

So irrational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0q55p/my_teacher_is_like_5_but_square_rooted/
%
A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow, so they decided to enter an auto race.

In lieu of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail.  When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.
The spectators marveled "Wow, look at that S car go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0px0g/a_group_of_snails_were_tired_of_the_stereotypes/
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There are two rules of success

1. Never reveal everything you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0pqnl/there_are_two_rules_of_success/
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Delivery...

A delivery guy turns up at the office the other day with a big roll of bubble wrap.
"Where do yo want this, sir?"
Without thinking I replied, "Just pop it in the corner."
Took him three hours.
Badoom tish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0ppcp/delivery/
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What do you call an LBGTQ+ esports professional?

Pro gaymer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0p36p/what_do_you_call_an_lbgtq_esports_professional/
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Two men are sitting on a park bench

And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them.    Then the dog starts licking its balls.
The men watch for a moment and one says  "Gosh, I wish I could do that."
The other says  "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0p1fc/two_men_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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There are so many letters added to LGBT nowadays,

it may as well be called LGBTLDR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0ojuk/there_are_so_many_letters_added_to_lgbt_nowadays/
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What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0o4ff/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_2_brain_cells/
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A boy asks the Church Priest "What are you doing Father?"

"It's called masturbating. You'll be doing this soon", replies the priest.
"Why Father?"
"Because my wrist is killing me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0nshl/a_boy_asks_the_church_priest_what_are_you_doing/
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Someone broke into my neighbors house and stole their limbo stick.

Seriously, how low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0n7yl/someone_broke_into_my_neighbors_house_and_stole/
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I don't always roll joints, but when I do,

it's usually my ankle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0n5z1/i_dont_always_roll_joints_but_when_i_do/
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Pregnant lady of 3 gets shot 3 times...

(not sure if it's been told I am new here)
A pregnant woman was walking down an alley way and was shot 3 times. The doctor told her that she will be fine.
14 years later one of her daughters says" mommy, mommy I peed out a bullet!" So her mom tells her what happened all those years ago.
Her second daughter then also pees out a bullet, so mom tells her the same thing.
Her son comes screaming "Mom..MOM!" so mom ask, "what's the matter dear? did you pee out a bullet as well?"
Her son: "No...I was jerking off and shot the dog..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0n4xx/pregnant_lady_of_3_gets_shot_3_times/
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I was giving sex tips to my Asian boyfriend...

First, I told him I like long foreplay,
Then, I told him to be a little rougher,
Finally, I told him to eat my pussy.
I’m really looking forward to seeing what he can do tonight!
On an unrelated note, have you seen my cat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0n3q4/i_was_giving_sex_tips_to_my_asian_boyfriend/
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Becoming White

A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his belt and beats him with it. Finally, he goes to his grandma and says “Grandma, I’m a white boy now!” and she slaps him across the face and asks the boy “How does it feel to be white now?” He responds by saying “I’ve been white for 5 minutes and I already hate black people.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0n16j/becoming_white/
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Whats long, hard, and has cum in the middle?

A cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0mvsk/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_the_middle/
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Why is Kelvin bigger than Celsius?

Because it is an absolute unit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0mt0d/why_is_kelvin_bigger_than_celsius/
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What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it?

“You are just jealous, because I can make your wife scream louder than you can”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0mrs6/what_did_the_cockroach_say_to_the_man_who_wanted/
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Johnny

walks into his parents bedroom and sees dad with mom bent over the dresser, doing what parents do. Johnny is shocked. Dad notices and says “Johnny...go back to your room!”
Mom and Dad finish up and Dad heads down the hall to see how Johnny is doing.
When he opens the door, there is Johnny pushing Grandma up against the dresser pretending to hump her.
Dad says “Johnny...what the hell are you doing!?!
Johnny turns around and says “Not so funny when it’s your Mom is it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0mrdp/johnny/
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Why was the duck arrested?

He was caught selling quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0mogk/why_was_the_duck_arrested/
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Temple of Eternal Light

Three couples are meeting with the Grand Guru of the Temple of Eternal Light, hoping to increase their sense of meaning and connectedness with the world. After listening to his sermon in rapture they ask how to join the Temple of Eternal Light.
"You must first demonstrate your commitment to the Eternal Light by abstaining from intimate relations for six months."
They agree to meet in six months to report their success. At the six-month meeting the Guru asks if they are prepared. The oldest couple, in their sixties, report that they were successful.
"It was surprisingly difficult," says one, "but we made it."
"Welcome to the Temple of Eternal Light," says the Guru.
The next couple, both in their forties, reports that they had intense difficulty at the one-month mark, and they don't know how they even made it.
"Your sacrifice is noticed. Welcome to the Temple of Eternal Light," says the Guru. "And how did you do with the challenge?" he asks the final couple, in their twenties and very much in love.
"We tried," Jennifer says, "but I have to be honest. We failed after two weeks."
"I'm sorry," says the Guru, "But with great sadness I tell you that you cannot be welcomed into the Temple of Eternal Light."
"That's okay," says Kevin, "We're not welcome in Wal-Mart any more, either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0mnu0/temple_of_eternal_light/
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At work today

during our morning meeting.  The owner wanted suggestions for a name for our finance department. Our finance department is the only department of our company that is entirely women.
I suggested The Home Office Executive Staff.
I have an appointment in HR in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0mj0y/at_work_today/
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A young man’s dating hack

Out one night with his friends, a young man meets a beautiful young lady who agrees to go on a date with him the following day.
Worried he won’t remember her name, the young man uses a little memory trick to help his rememebr her name, which incidentally was Franny.
Fanny with and ‘r’, Franny he would repeat to himself over and over.
Fanny with and ‘r’, Franny.
Fanny with and ‘r’, Franny.
The whole next day at work, Fanny with and ‘r’, Franny.
On the train on the way home, Fanny with and ‘r’, Franny over and over.
In the shower while getting ready Fanny with and ‘r’, Franny.
In the car in the way to pick her up, Fanny with and ‘r’, Franny.
Finally, he arrives at he house. Rings the door bell and repeats to himself one last time Fanny with and ‘r’, Franny.
The door opens and standing there’s is the young lady’s father, “can I help you?” he asks.
“Yes” says the young man, “is Crunt home?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0mc47/a_young_mans_dating_hack/
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A man named Ranger

was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home.
“Walk or text us Ranger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0mb5p/a_man_named_ranger/
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IF You jumped off the bridge in Paris you'd be..

in seine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0m7h0/if_you_jumped_off_the_bridge_in_paris_youd_be/
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The five kinds of sex

First there's Smurf Sex, this is when you've first met and go at it until you're both blue.
Secondly you have Kitchen Sex, now you've moved in together and and do it everywhere, like the kitchen.
Third comes Bedroom Sex, this is when you've settled down, maybe have kids, just doing it in the bedroom now.
Fourth is Hallway Sex, when you casually say "fuck you" as you pass in the hallway.
Fifth and the final kind of sex is Courtroom Sex, that's when she gets to fuck you in front of a judge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0m16v/the_five_kinds_of_sex/
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When do the coronavirus symptoms start to kick in?

Right off the bat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0lzy8/when_do_the_coronavirus_symptoms_start_to_kick_in/
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A young boy walks into an ice-cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.

In disbelief the cashier asked him to repeat his order.
“I want 12 scoops of ice cream sir”
Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.
But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question
“Why did you want so many scoops of ice cream?”
“ Well if you had what I had you would order the exact same thing”
The cashier hands him the cone but he’s  a little confused and asked a another question
“And what is it that you have that I don’t?”
The boy looked him in the eyes with a smirk on his face and said
“Only two dollars in change”
And he ran out of parlor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0ltrj/a_young_boy_walks_into_an_icecream_parlor_and/
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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
(Credit to Terry Pratchett)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0ln2t/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
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A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”
“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES!  And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’.  But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution.
The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right.  What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.”
The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?”
“NO, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0lkqa/a_young_irish_girl_goes_to_confession/
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If a group of crows is called a Murder, what are 2 or 3 crows together called?

An attempted murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0l5uc/if_a_group_of_crows_is_called_a_murder_what_are_2/
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I've come up with a new way to describe the condition of a painting ...

Its state of the art.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0kvwq/ive_come_up_with_a_new_way_to_describe_the/
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What did the sheep say to the abusive shepard?

Stop herding me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0ku72/what_did_the_sheep_say_to_the_abusive_shepard/
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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."
"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"
So the guy tells his story:
"Last night, I had a drink or two, down at Sally's bar. Ya know Sally? with the big ...?"
"Yeah, I know Sally", says barman.
"So I was down there, just having a couple ... Feeling pretty good, and Sally says to me, she says 'Hey, I want to close up early. Why don't ya come back with me back to my place?'"
"Wow, says the barman. That's not a bad night"
"Wait for it, I haven't finished yet. We go back to her place. She's clearly feeling frisky. I try it on a bit, yankow. Ease over on the couch. She jumps at it. Rips my clothes off. Rips her clothes off. We jump on the bed and start going at it. So we're bangin' away, ooohin' and Ahhhin'."
"Hey that's pretty good. Sally is a very nice girl. What a night" says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So we're goin' at it, Ooohin' and ahhhin'. You'll never guess what happens."
"What happened?" says barkeep.
"There's a sound of keys in the door. It's her boyfriend. She says 'Oh no, quick, he's crazy. You've got to hide'. So I look for a place, but there's nothing. I end up out on the window ledge, hanging from me fingers. It's pitch black, cold outside, the wind is whipping passed my ass and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh I see the problem", sasy barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy walks in, sees Sally on the bed naked, jumps in straight away. And they're banging away and ooohin'n'aaaahin'. And I'm stuck outside, pitch black, hanging from me finger tips, freezing cold, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death."
"Oh, that's bad."
"Wait, I haven't finsihed yet. So suddenly, the guy stops. Says 'Sally, sorry but I got take a piss.' Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, takes a piss out the window. So I'm hanging from me finger tips, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping passed me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death."
"Oh no ... " says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to the bed, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and oohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens. He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'm feeling a little woozy. I have to throw up'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, upchucks his guts out. So I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me neck, vomit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death."
"Oh please no" says the barman, looking a bit uneasy.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. He finishes, goes back all fresh, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and oohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens. He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'll be done in a second. I need to take a dump'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he sticks his ass out the window ... anyway, so I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me chest, vomit gooping round me ears, a shit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death."
"Oh, let it stop" says the barkeep.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to Sally, they're bangin' away, oohin'0n0aaaahin'. And finally they're done. they go to sleep. At that point, dawn appears, the sun comes up. It's day time. And I'm hangin' there, freezing cold, piss dripping down me legs, vomit oozing down my back, a shit sliding round me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, I'm freezing to death, and I'm six inches off the ground."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0kss9/i_guy_walks_in_to_a_bar_has_a_story_to_tell/
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Many people will be celebrating alentines ay this year.

It's for the people who won't be getting any v or d this February 14th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0kr78/many_people_will_be_celebrating_alentines_ay_this/
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I now know the truth behind my sleep paralysis demon...

...it was trying to protect me from the movie cats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0kf08/i_now_know_the_truth_behind_my_sleep_paralysis/
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What do you get if you cross a human and a centaur?

A Quarter Horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0kegw/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_human_and_a_centaur/
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Date night with my wife and as she's reading the menu she asks, "Is anything popping out at you?"

I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0kasw/date_night_with_my_wife_and_as_shes_reading_the/
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I heard a joke about a chocolate bar

It made me snicker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0kaeb/i_heard_a_joke_about_a_chocolate_bar/
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Han Solo keeps taunting he'll steal cars...

...he's harassin' Ford!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0k4sd/han_solo_keeps_taunting_hell_steal_cars/
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What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on a roller coaster?

>!Jocelyn!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0k1nz/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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Interviewing a farmer

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Black one
Farmer: A couple litres per day
Interviewer: And the brown one
Farmer: A couple litres per day
Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see, what do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or Brown?
Interviewer: Black
Farmer: It eats grass
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass
Interviewer (now annoyed): Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black ones mine
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one
Farmer: Its also mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0k1gs/interviewing_a_farmer/
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The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.
Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's face to a famous military leader from the past. After much heated discussion, they eventually settled on Admiral Nelson to be the face of this new currency.
Now, none of what I just told you is true in the slightest. Yet, there are still many people who swear they remember this moment of British history. Enough people believe that it was real, that psychologists have even given a name to this mistaken belief.
The call it the Nelson One-Dollar effect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0k1ay/the_uk_tested_switching_to_the_dollar/
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All the scarers in monsters inc are gay

They're always coming out of closets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0jwy7/all_the_scarers_in_monsters_inc_are_gay/
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Should have seen it coming Jesus!

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper, normal supper with the fellas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0jwd2/should_have_seen_it_coming_jesus/
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I had to sack my east European house cleaner today. It took her four hours just to vacuum the lounge.

Turns out she's a Slovak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0jlva/i_had_to_sack_my_east_european_house_cleaner/
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Wife v Hoover

After ten years together, what is the difference between a wife and a vacuum cleaner?
The vacuum cleaner still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0jlr9/wife_v_hoover/
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my friends wanted me to pull my boat up to the dock...

...but i don't give in to pier pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0jcq0/my_friends_wanted_me_to_pull_my_boat_up_to_the/
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What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0j6go/what_did_the_judge_say_to_the_dentist/
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Three women met up in a bar.

After talking about what they've all been through, and they've all had a few drinks, their conversation takes a personal turn and they start talking about how loose they are.
One says, "I can fit a while sausage."
Another says, "I can fit a cucumber. "
The third woman says nothing, and just slides down the barstool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0j3xc/three_women_met_up_in_a_bar/
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Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench

, just chatting the day away like old ladies do.
Suddenly, a man in a trench coat walks up to them and flashes them with all the glory god gave him.
Well, the first old lady had a stroke right away.
The second old lady had a stroke soon after.
The third old lady, being more old and feeble, couldn't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0j3kz/three_old_ladies_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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What did the dominant allele say to the recessive allele?

No homo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0j1jq/what_did_the_dominant_allele_say_to_the_recessive/
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My best friend invited me to an orgy camp

It was fucking in tents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0iqzc/my_best_friend_invited_me_to_an_orgy_camp/
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Philip Schofield set to leave ITV..

Rumours say it’s because he now prefers BBC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0ik3c/philip_schofield_set_to_leave_itv/
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Never go to bed angry

Stay up all night... plotting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0i6iy/never_go_to_bed_angry/
%
Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking..

but he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0i5x2/stephen_king_has_a_son_named_joe_im_not_joking/
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Mirrors be like...

I've got some reflecting to do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0i5p2/mirrors_be_like/
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Did you guys hear about Jared Fogle from Subways transformation?

He used to have mild cholesterol problems, but they turned into child molestoral problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0i0y2/did_you_guys_hear_about_jared_fogle_from_subways/
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A woman came home to find her husband sleeping with another woman.

Distraught, the wife leave the house and decides to go and seek the advice of a wise monk who lives on a mountain.
The wife travels up the mountain to the monk and asks him for advice. The monk thinks for a minute and then offers the wife a cookie, she accepts and eats it, he then offers her another cookie and as she reaches for it he stops her.
"Do you see the issue with you taking 2 cookies?" Asks the monk
"Yes, humans are greedy in their nature. I should treasure the time I had with my husband and move on." Replies the wife.
"No, you should eat less, your too fat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0hzoz/a_woman_came_home_to_find_her_husband_sleeping/
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BECOMING IRISH

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher,
"so from now on you will be known as Mick."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick."
"Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him.
Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mick?" she asked.
"Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0hyas/becoming_irish/
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Aliens arrive on earth, and the Catholic Church arranges a meeting with them.

They ask the aliens if they believe in god. The aliens respond, “That’s why we came here! Mount Olympus is on Earth, right?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0hwip/aliens_arrive_on_earth_and_the_catholic_church/
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I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity

It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0htue/i_previously_suffered_from_premature_ejaculation/
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What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0h98c/whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a_golf/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0h8i9/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_whos_afraid/
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Who would win their weight class in a boxing match, athletes or prisoners?

Not sure, you have to weigh out the pros and cons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0gyq0/who_would_win_their_weight_class_in_a_boxing/
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What's the difference between a hooker, your girlfriend and your wife?

When you're having sex a hooker says, "are you done yet?"
Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"
And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0gubw/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_your/
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Who is married to Antarctica?

Uncle-Arctica

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0gu7l/who_is_married_to_antarctica/
%
Border Collie

#  At the end of the day, a Border Collie reported back to the rancher, "All 50 sheep accounted for, boss!"
# "Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.
# "I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0gad7/border_collie/
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A Scotsman was giving a walking tour to a Greek guy through the hills of Scotland. They came across a sheep that had its head stuck in a hole in a fence.

‘Let me show you what we do in a situation like this’ says the Scotsman with a grin as he unzips his trousers and has his way with the sheep. After he finished he turns to the Greek and says
‘Ok, now it’s your turn’
‘I can’t!’ Protests the Greek, ‘My head won’t fit in that hole.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0ga0a/a_scotsman_was_giving_a_walking_tour_to_a_greek/
%
How much did it cost the Pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buck an ear
... it was a real Barrrrgain..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0g9f5/how_much_did_it_cost_the_pirate_to_get_his_ears/
%
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None they just beat the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0g7zh/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I have an amazing memory.

The rest are just ok I guess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0g3jr/i_have_an_amazing_memory/
%
The Biker and the Lion

A Harley Biker is sitting on his Harley, drinking a beer, by the Zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”
The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I’m voting for Trump."
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0fvx0/the_biker_and_the_lion/
%
Why are ocean levels so high?

sea weed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0fsub/why_are_ocean_levels_so_high/
%
I was grocery shopping when a beautiful woman walks by...

I said to her, “I can’t seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?”
“Sure, but how will that help?”
“Once she sees me talking to you, I’ll bet you anything she’ll appear out of nowhere.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0fd58/i_was_grocery_shopping_when_a_beautiful_woman/
%
What do you call a trampoline park security guard?

A bouncer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0f06q/what_do_you_call_a_trampoline_park_security_guard/
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Did you hear about the band called 1023MB

They haven't had any gigs yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0eu1m/did_you_hear_about_the_band_called_1023mb/
%
I dreamed I died and went to heaven with you.

When we arrived to heaven, there were clocks everywhere, as far as the eye can see.
We stopped a passing angel and asked them to explain the clocks.
"What's with all the clocks?", I asked.
The Angel responded that they each represent a person on Earth. They keep track of how much you masterbate.
The more you rubbed one out on Earth the faster the hands on the clock spins.
Laughing in surprise, I asked where yours and mine were.
The angel looked at me and said,"Yours is just over that hill."
Then it laughed, and said, "But, we keep your friends in the shop and use it for a fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0esn9/i_dreamed_i_died_and_went_to_heaven_with_you/
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Why do so many children die in school shootings ?

Because they are not allowed to run in the hallway.
Credits: Jimmy Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0esa1/why_do_so_many_children_die_in_school_shootings/
%
A man is on his dying bed, and wishes to confess something to his wife...

He says "my love, I must tell you something I've been holding in a long time..."
"Shhhh, it's okay, my love, you need to rest."
"But I have to tell you, I cannot hold it in any longer"
"It's okay, my love", she said, "you will soon be at peace and it does not matter."
"But I have to tell you....I slept with your Mom, your sister, your best friend..."
"It's okay, my love, I know....that's why I poisoned you."
(paraphrased from memory; sorry if this has been told here before)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0eqgx/a_man_is_on_his_dying_bed_and_wishes_to_confess/
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What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Velocititties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0eoy0/what_do_you_call_breasts_that_have_both_magnitude/
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I gave my girlfriend 9 inches last night.

It's a good thing she accepts installment payments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0egig/i_gave_my_girlfriend_9_inches_last_night/
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What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

Well, he had so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into LEGOs... Now kids play with him for a change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0ef7i/what_did_they_do_with_michael_jackson_when_he_died/
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I asked the guy at the garage why it used to be 10p to put air in my tyres and now it's £1.50.

He just shrugged and said "Inflation".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0dy5o/i_asked_the_guy_at_the_garage_why_it_used_to_be/
%
A proverb

: Two birds with one stone.
An amateurverb : Two stones one bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0dsg0/a_proverb/
%
I saw my dog walk over sandpaper

He said rough rough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0drdr/i_saw_my_dog_walk_over_sandpaper/
%
Hey girl

Are you my mirror because you’re looking ugly as hell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0dq7a/hey_girl/
%
What do you call a cold that you catch from a sexual expirence?

Sniffulus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0doqi/what_do_you_call_a_cold_that_you_catch_from_a/
%
How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?

One, we are very efficient and not funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0dkmr/how_many_germans_do_you_need_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Why don't americans eat snails?

Because they like fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0deoe/why_dont_americans_eat_snails/
%
I just saw 10 ants running around my kitchen, I felt bad so I made a little house for them

Now I'm getting rent from my tenants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0d0if/i_just_saw_10_ants_running_around_my_kitchen_i/
%
If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick...

Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0cypw/if_big_feet_means_big_dick_and_big_car_means/
%
In a small village church, the priest found a crying young woman...

She is sitting there alone all teary and sobbing. So the priest sits next to her and asks her what makes her so unhappy. The young woman replies: "I got married two years ago. I have been trying to conceive an offspring with my husband since, no success so far, though."
"Do not worry," the priest replies, "I will traveling to Vatican tomorrow. I will bring many intentions to pray for with me, I will visit all the churches there. I will light one candle for you and one for your husband."
Several years later, the same priest meets the same woman on the street in the willage. She is all tired and exhausted. Two children are running and jumping around her, she is holding the third one on her arms. In addition, the priest notices that she is pregnant. So he stops her asking how is her life going. She says: "Well, I am all tired and exhausted taking care of all these children. Suffering from heavy morning sickness, all day just cooking, cleaning and washing the laundry."
"I see," the priest replied, "so what is your husband doing?"
"Well, he has spent last three weeks in Vatican looking for your fucking candles to blow them down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0cx3s/in_a_small_village_church_the_priest_found_a/
%
What's a man's idea of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0cvkw/whats_a_mans_idea_of_safe_sex/
%
Why do men like women in leather?

Because they smell like new cars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0cv6j/why_do_men_like_women_in_leather/
%
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.

It was the least I could do for the guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0cqne/yesterday_i_spotted_an_albino_dalmatian/
%
Did you hear about the punctual gigolo?

His whole day runs like cockwork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0cfao/did_you_hear_about_the_punctual_gigolo/
%
What do you call an American parallelogram?

A parallelo-ounce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0cajh/what_do_you_call_an_american_parallelogram/
%
What do you call sweaty breast?

Humidititty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0c9p4/what_do_you_call_sweaty_breast/
%
One brother always took the stairs. The other brother always took the elevator.

They were raised very differently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0c7rg/one_brother_always_took_the_stairs_the_other/
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If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0c4gq/if_you_have_one_big_shit_and_divide_it_into_3/
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I don't know why they call them man boobs

I prefer to call mine obesititties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0bzth/i_dont_know_why_they_call_them_man_boobs/
%
Roses are red.

Violets are red.
Tulips are red.
Bushes are red.
Trees are red.
Holy shit! My garden is on FIRE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0bn2m/roses_are_red/
%
My dentist pulled a wrong tooth

it was accidental

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0blhy/my_dentist_pulled_a_wrong_tooth/
%
They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life with two minutes

I did the math
Seems I died in 1576

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0bkuc/they_say_every_piece_of_chocolate_you_eat/
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My neighbor and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply..

We got a long well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0biuc/my_neighbor_and_i_became_good_friends_so_we/
%
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut..

i think she's planning to watch the highlights later..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0bi7s/i_saw_my_wife_using_her_phone_to_record_her/
%
I'm never giving blood again. They asked too many stupid questions

.
How old are you?
Can we see your ID?
Whose blood is it and why is it in a pail?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0bi5y/im_never_giving_blood_again_they_asked_too_many/
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What is the one thing a flat earth advocate fears?

Sphere itself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0b1oy/what_is_the_one_thing_a_flat_earth_advocate_fears/
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The grocery store cashier asked me “Do you want a box for these?”

I replied “You don’t want these hands.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0b09i/the_grocery_store_cashier_asked_me_do_you_want_a/
%
“Mr. Reagan, I have bad news for you. You have cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

Well, by golly, at least I don’t have cancer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0b044/mr_reagan_i_have_bad_news_for_you_you_have_cancer/
%
If someone is hotter than you,

then you are cooler than them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0as0b/if_someone_is_hotter_than_you/
%
What song do prostitutes sing while getting high?

High Hoe!! High Hoe!! It’s off to work I go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0apze/what_song_do_prostitutes_sing_while_getting_high/
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If love is blind...

... lingerie makes great braille

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0aj1b/if_love_is_blind/
%
A Retired Jewish Man Is Walking On The Beach, When He Sees A Bottle In The Sand.

He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out.  The genie promises to grant him one wish.
The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish."
The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned.  He hands the map back and says, "I'm sorry, sir.  I come from the Middle East myself, and these conflicts have been raging since even before my time.  Bringing peace to that region is beyond my powers.  Do you have another wish?"
The guy thinks and says, "Well, I've been married for forty years, and in my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife.  That would be my wish."
The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "Let me see that map again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0afh2/a_retired_jewish_man_is_walking_on_the_beach_when/
%
Do you suffer from schizophrenia?

Just remember you're not alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0abor/do_you_suffer_from_schizophrenia/
%
What we call a monster we can't find?

Wherewolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0aau8/what_we_call_a_monster_we_cant_find/
%
My dad says the only difference between a good meal and a good time..

is where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0a7oe/my_dad_says_the_only_difference_between_a_good/
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A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation.

They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.
“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.
“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0a4kw/a_young_couple_are_trying_to_save_money_on_their/
%
Request

A man is driving to the meeting. He's already late and nervous. Can't find a place to park his car. He looks at the sky and says:
\- God, please, help me to find a parking place. I will quit drinking alcohol and will go to church every Sunday!
Suddenly he sees a vacant parking place in front of him. The man looks at the sky once again:
\- Oh, stop! Never mind my request. I found where to park.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f09zvn/request/
%
It's sad that men don't cry:

But it's not enough to make a man cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f09yhn/its_sad_that_men_dont_cry/
%
Three crooks are running from a cop...

They run down an alleyway and each leap into a sack to hide. The cop rounds the corner, walks up to the first sack and gives it a whack with his truncheon. Quick as a flash the first guy starts woofing like dog. Cop moves on to the next sack and gives it a whack. Second guy, quick as a flash, starts meowing like a cat. Cop moves on to the third sack and it gives a whack.
Quick as a flash...
"Potatoes!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f09v2c/three_crooks_are_running_from_a_cop/
%
Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I  get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad!
The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices on me and threw me in a jar!
The penis glaired at both of them and said, you assholes think you have it bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy someone puts a rubber trap over my head, sticks me in a dark room and bangs my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f09ukm/cucumber_pickel_and_a_penis_meet_at_a_bar/
%
What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

they both can smell it but neither can eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f09u86/what_does_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_boy/
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What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f09sgt/what_do_you_call_breasts_that_have_both_magnitude/
%
I saw my elderly father cutting viagra into quarters

“Dad you know they won’t work if you cut them smaller?”
“Yes son I know that, your mother and I haven’t had sex in years”
“So why the viagra and why cut them up?”
“I just want enough so I don’t piss on my slippers!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f09pe7/i_saw_my_elderly_father_cutting_viagra_into/
%
I call my penis ‘Whistle’

Because it makes dogs come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f09c92/i_call_my_penis_whistle/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last as long for the obese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f098hk/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Two old men are walking in the garden of their retirement home...

All the sudden, some old woman jumps out of the bushes right in front of them, swings her bathrobe wide open and exposing her naked body beneath shouts "SUPERPUSSY!!!"
One man turns to the other, taps his hearing aid and says loudly:
"WHAT DID SHE SAY, LARRY?"
"She said SUPERPUSSY, Marv"
Marv looks the old woman's body up and down and says: "LARRY, TELL HER I'LL TAKE THE SOUP"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0965j/two_old_men_are_walking_in_the_garden_of_their/
%
“Hey what’s the word on the street?”

“Uh... pedestrian crossing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f093os/hey_whats_the_word_on_the_street/
%
Why can’t tennis players be in relationships?

Because love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f090qy/why_cant_tennis_players_be_in_relationships/
%
Knock Knock..

Knock knock..
Who's there?
Dishes..
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f08u8c/knock_knock/
%
I found out that viagra can work both ways

I put one in my shoe and it made me limp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f08sfd/i_found_out_that_viagra_can_work_both_ways/
%
An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.
The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and some conversation. So, the farmer decided to buy another milk cow so he could start making some money.
The farmer realised that by God, this was a good time to get his younger, bookish son, David to start helping on the farm and so tore his book off him one morning and sent him out to milk the new cow.
He was somewhat unsurprised, but nonetheless disappointed when David came back shortly after with a full pail of inadequacy. The milk was thin and bland and lacked the rich flavour and creamy consistency of Jed’s milk. With no more than a grimace of disgust, the farmer tipped out the milk in front of his son and told him to do better tomorrow.
After two weeks of this with no improvement in the milk David was bringing in, the farmer called his sons one morning and asked Jed, with a ruffle of his hair, if he would bring David out and show him how to milk a cow like a man. Jed reluctantly consented and went out with David, while the farmer sat and waited on the porch with a delicious glass of warm milk from the previous morning.
Before long, David trudged back to the house and announced, “I think I know what’s wrong now, sir.”
“Well what is it?” asked the farmer, through a creamy mouthful of milk, beaming with admiration over David’s shoulder at Jed who was still vigorously milking.
David gestured behind him and said, “That’s a bull.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f08nre/an_aging_farmer_decided_it_was_time_for_his/
%
I just ate a scrabble set

Now I'm having consonant vowel movements

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f08ln8/i_just_ate_a_scrabble_set/
%
What do you call it when you get cock-blocked by Vladimir Putin?

Erection interference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f08j15/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_cockblocked_by/
%
Pleasure was blowing bubbles

Bubbles came in Pleasure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f08hrj/pleasure_was_blowing_bubbles/
%
How did the vegetables ask to be paid more?

Leetuce have a raisin celery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f08f7c/how_did_the_vegetables_ask_to_be_paid_more/
%
My ex girlfriend was really into Eskimo kisses

But I just wasn’t very Inuit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f07p1u/my_ex_girlfriend_was_really_into_eskimo_kisses/
%
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married so we can't go to her house. & I'm married to so we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90.
The Hilton charges $108.
But we can do it here for $50...
and I even get $43 of it back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f07ecg/a_couple_both_age_78_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
%
I witnessed my wife trip and drop all the laundry.

She got red with embarassment and said: "Did you see that?"
I said: "I watched it all unfold."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0753a/i_witnessed_my_wife_trip_and_drop_all_the_laundry/
%
Why did police arrest the guitarist in the park who was surrounded by kids?

He fingered the wrong minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f071lu/why_did_police_arrest_the_guitarist_in_the_park/
%
A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick...

...A woman walks by and says: if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat.
To which he replies: if you were pretty it would lift itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f070si/a_guy_is_sunbathing_on_the_beach_wearing_nothing/
%
Rodney Dangerfield's classic one liner: When I was little my dad gave me a bat

The first time I played with it, it flew away.
-Rodney Dangerfield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f06yv7/rodney_dangerfields_classic_one_liner_when_i_was/
%
When life hands you

melons,  you might have dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f06vel/when_life_hands_you/
%
I told my doctor I wanted to start a vegan keto diet.

She told me "that's nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f06r8m/i_told_my_doctor_i_wanted_to_start_a_vegan_keto/
%
If you go to the garden of Eden and kill Adam with a gun...

...are you a first person shooter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f06qdn/if_you_go_to_the_garden_of_eden_and_kill_adam/
%
On Earth, science is driven by curiosity

On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f06lye/on_earth_science_is_driven_by_curiosity/
%
I always get a smile out of people with this one line

"Smile if you don't want to have sex with me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f06las/i_always_get_a_smile_out_of_people_with_this_one/
%
A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”
“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.
“Sustained,” said the judge. “If there’s anything that can contradict such a moving testimony, I’d like to know so that I can make the best decision.”
“Officer, I have three questions for you.” Continued the judge. “First, where do you keep your personal belongings at the station?”
The officer recognized this to be an odd question, but he humored the lawyer. “The locker room, I suppose.”
“Excellent,” replied the lawyer “and do you keep those items under lock and key?”
“I do”
“Right” the lawyer grinned “so, if you trust your fellow cops so much, why do you feel the need to lock your items at work?”
The officer chuckled. “Well, at the station we do have quite a few detainments... so we know lawyers pass through all the time!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f06jc1/a_police_officer_was_brought_to_the_stand_to/
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"well darling,I've a good news and bad news for you "

"ok, tell me the good news first".
"Well,the airbags in your car worked perfectly".
"Wait...what ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f064bd/well_darlingive_a_good_news_and_bad_news_for_you/
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What is the French term for "blue balls?"

Sack Le Bleu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f05zas/what_is_the_french_term_for_blue_balls/
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My jean jacket doesn't fit right

I can only fit my arms in the leg holes but I don't have torso or back coverage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f05vyq/my_jean_jacket_doesnt_fit_right/
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The man who created autocorrect has died

Restaurant in peace

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f05vak/the_man_who_created_autocorrect_has_died/
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[Nsfw] [long] An aging father has decided to go into assisted living

Because he didn't want to burden his son. He had been having trouble around the house and had a few scary falls. His son begged him to stay at his family's house, because he felt that this was the best plan.
"Dad, please! Stay with us! I've heard those places are horrible!" His father says "No way, son. You have your family to care for and I won't be a bother. I would rather find a nice place and have a new adventure!"
After a bit of back and forth, his son acquiesced and offered to take him around to make sure that his old man found a nice place to live out his days.
They went to 7 different facilities over the next few weeks before settling on the perfect place. The orderlies were kind and caring, the staff seemed content, the residents seemed happy.
"This is the one, son. I can feel it!" the father said.
"Are you sure, pop? The wife and I are happy to have you! Don't you want to sleep on it?"
His father's mind was made up, and despite his age, his resolve was rather strong. He decided to sign paperwork and move in that very day.
That night, his son was anxious and worried and barely slept a wink. The following morning, he got a call from his father.
"SON! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!!!"
His son is perplexed...
"The dinner was the best I've had since your mother passed 12 years ago! Everyone here is so friendly and kind! The bed was so comfortable that I slept the whole night and that hasn't happened in years!"
His son was overjoyed! "This is great, pop! I'm so glad you're happy! I guess I can stop worrying about you now!"
His father was so happy, he hadn't heard him with such vim and vigor in years.
"Son, I haven't told you the best part yet! I slept so well and was so content that I woke up with an erection so firm that I thought I was in my twenties!"
"TMI, pop..."
"Seriously son!" he continued, "the most amazingly beautiful orderly with the most fantastic rack I think I've ever seen woke me up for a sponge bath, saw my erection and gave me the best blowjob I think I've ever had!!!!"
"Holy shit, pop! This place sounds amazing!" his son retorted.
"I told you this place was for me," he said.
He rushed his son off the phone after sharing his wonderful news because he couldn't wait to see how the first full day would go. His son was finally able to relax, knowing his dad was in a good place.
His phone rang a few hours later and he saw it was his dad, and couldn't wait to hear the next happy update.
"SON, YOU HAVE TO GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!!"
The son was perplexed! "What happened? You had such a beautiful night and morning! You even got a hummer from that orderly!?!?!"
His dad said "well I was walking down the hallway, thinking about my wonderful morning. I tripped over my own feet and fell! I saw this big, strong orderly coming to help and I tried to wave him off. You know how I hate to be a bother, but he came over anyway. When I tried to get up, he ripped my pants down and fucked me up the ass!"
His son thought for a minute, and finally responded. "Pop, if you taught me anything, you taught me that you have to take the good with the bad. You got a blowjob this morning!"
His dad was incredulous. "You don't understand son, I wake up with an erection once every 3 or 4 months, but I fall down 5 or 6 times a day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f05upn/nsfw_long_an_aging_father_has_decided_to_go_into/
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My friend had cancer for her zodiac symbol, its ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f05p35/my_friend_had_cancer_for_her_zodiac_symbol_its/
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How do you know that someone's an atheist?

They read the Bible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f05j0c/how_do_you_know_that_someones_an_atheist/
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Girlfriend says to boyfriend “The gynaecologist says I can’t have sex for two weeks. Boyfriend says to girlfriend..

“Well what did the dentist say”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f05d7w/girlfriend_says_to_boyfriend_the_gynaecologist/
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Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.

But the virus was as fast as lightning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f05d5r/everybody_was_kung_flu_fighting/
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Are you http?

Because without you, I’m just ://

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f056k5/are_you_http/
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Hey, I heard some rumors about your buttchecks

And I just want to know who spread them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f050tq/hey_i_heard_some_rumors_about_your_buttchecks/
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What's the best part of having Alzheimer's disease?

You get to meet so many new people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f04um2/whats_the_best_part_of_having_alzheimers_disease/
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The #1 thing a guy wants for Valentines Day is Sex...

... And #2 is for his wife to not find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f04rdk/the_1_thing_a_guy_wants_for_valentines_day_is_sex/
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What was Qatar after it left OPEC?

Qatar solo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f04lpw/what_was_qatar_after_it_left_opec/
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Eddie Murphy once said a good joke needs two things; proper timing and good execution.

That must be why all the Jeffery Epstein jokes are only half funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f04aqa/eddie_murphy_once_said_a_good_joke_needs_two/
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Local knowledge

A cocky young lad applied for a forklift job at a local firm based in his home town.
A migrant worker applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to The local lad and said: "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the migrant the job."
And why would you do that? replied the guy, "We both got 19 questions right!” Surely I should get the job over a foreigner?"
The manager responded, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" He said.
That's simple. On question number 7 the migrant wrote down -
'I don't know.' You put down - 'Neither do I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f049sw/local_knowledge/
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A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job.

Eventually, he comes to a whorehouse with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He walks in the whorehouse and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here whorehouse, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat," the manager gives him. The destitute man walks out of the whorehouse and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cartful of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the applecart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars.
Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that," says the man. "Well why not?" "I can't read or write how do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you cant read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!"
"Well I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a whorehouse"
First post, mobile, my boss told me this at work, etc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f0499j/a_destitute_man_is_walking_the_streets_looking/
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The Nazi secret police really hated puns

I guess you could call them the Jest-stop-o.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f04412/the_nazi_secret_police_really_hated_puns/
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Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f043jk/why_is_divorce_so_expensive/
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A hairlip gal at the prom

was sitting waiting anxiously for someone to ask her to dance. Jimmy, who had a wooden eye was having problems of his own getting a dance. It was getting late so Jimmy sheepishly walked over to the gal and asked, "do you want to dance"? She stood up and exclaimed , "would i , would i " Jimmy retorted with "hairlip, hairlip".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f03yfc/a_hairlip_gal_at_the_prom/
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Jeffrey Epstein dies and goes to Hell.

Satan sees him at the gates.
Satan yells "Hey Jeff, how's it hanging?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f03yb2/jeffrey_epstein_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub...

They each order a pint. Each has a fly land in his pint.
The Englishman pushes it back and asks for another.
The Scotsman simply plucks our the fly and continues drinking.
The Irishman grabs the fly between the wings and shakes it above the cup shouting "spit it out, ya bastard, spit it out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f03x5w/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk/
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What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f03v1s/whats_the_difference_between_humans_and_a_bullet/
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A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."
"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"
"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell you!"
So the guy leaves and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. He tells the doctor his stomach pain is even worse. The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over. The guy does. Next thing you know, the doctor is shoving the banana up his ass.
"The hell do you think you're doing!?" the man screams.
"You want my help, or don't you?"
His stomach is aching, so he clenches his fists and lets the doc proceed. The doctor shoves the banana all the way up his ass. And then looks at his watch for ten minutes. Then she shoves the cookie up his the man's ass too.
The man is shaking badly from pain. The doctor tells him to come back tomorrow and bring a banana and a cookie.
"Again!?"
"You want my help, or don't you?"
So the guy goes away and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. The exact same thing happens. This time the man is shaking and crying by the end of it. The doctor tells him to come back the next day with a banana and a cookie.
"You want my help or don't you?" the doctor says, cutting off the man's protests.
So once again, the guy returns, and gets a banana, and ten minutes later, a cookie shoved up his ass. He's sobbing by the end of it. But this time the doctor tells him, "Tomorrow, bring a banana and a hammer."
"Oh God! What the hell are you going to do to me now!?" the man says, and he leaves sobbing.
But the next day, he returns with a banana and a hammer. The doctor tells him to drop his pants, and once again he shoves the banana up the man's ass. Then he waits.
Ten minutes later, the tapeworm pops his head out of the man's butthole. "Hey! Where the fuck's my cookie!?"
BAM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f03u18/a_man_on_vacation_is_having_horrible_stomach/
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I walked in on my grandmother masturbating with a cucumber the other day

And I was like "Damn, i was going to eat that but now it's going to taste like cucumber."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f03ot9/i_walked_in_on_my_grandmother_masturbating_with_a/
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My car wouldn't start so I tried to jump it.

Now I've got a dead battery *and* a broken rib.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f03mby/my_car_wouldnt_start_so_i_tried_to_jump_it/
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U know why trees are suspicious when it’s a sunny day?

It’s bcuz they are a little shady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f03ivg/u_know_why_trees_are_suspicious_when_its_a_sunny/
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News reporters visit a hen about a shockingly huge egg she laid recently.

“This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of!
Do you have any goals for the future?”
“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.
“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters approach the rooster, “what are your goals for the future?”
The rooster replies darkly, “To beat up that darn ostrich!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f03him/news_reporters_visit_a_hen_about_a_shockingly/
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A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them

As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear:  "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f03hfm/a_poor_man_a_well_off_middle_class_man_and_an/
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What thinks the unthinkable?

An itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f039a8/what_thinks_the_unthinkable/
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The Angry Vet.

Dr. Ray was about to lock up with he saw an old pick up truck pull into the parking lot. Being a nice vet Dr. Ray waited on the old man to get out of the truck. He started walking up to Dr. Ray's door in that old slow gait, complete with straw hat and overalls.
Dr. Ray sighed as the door opened to his vet clinic, and in walked this old man.
"Can I help you sir" Dr. Ray asked.
"Ye'sir, came all dis way fur n' oin'ment. My little'n got a scab dat anit taking to da Petroll jelly."
" Yes sir what kind of animal do you have."
"No Idear"
"Well how big is it." Dr. Ray shook his head
"Oh about da regular size, ya know." The old man look confused.
"Ok well it is hard for me to give you anything if you do not even know the type of animal you have." Dr. Ray blurted out.
"I know wut I got der doc." the old mans eyes narrowed.
"Then what is it?" Dr. Ray yelled.
" I got a no idear" the old man yelled back.
"Just drive home and I will follow you to the damn thing. Then we can see about getting you something to help it." Dr. Ray was fed up at this point and stormed to his car.
It took about ten min to drive to the old mans farm. They pulled down a gravel driveway, then turned off to a dirt road, that went right to an old barn. Dr. Ray got out and waited for the old man to walk up to the door. When the old man got to the door he open the door and took Dr. Ray to the stall. There in side laying on a pile of hay was a dear with no eyes.
>!I was bored so I thought of a different spin on the "what do you call a blind dear" joke. I know it is bad, sry about that world.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f036vd/the_angry_vet/
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Did you hear about the guy who got picked up by the police for carrying a secondary walking stick?

They arrested him for possession of co-cane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f035yr/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_picked_up_by/
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My wife told me robots don't wash themselves.

So I put one in the bath and said "that'll shower"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f034d6/my_wife_told_me_robots_dont_wash_themselves/
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My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent...

And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out... I told her..."give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and says, "Don’t give her any money because she's lying.” Mom proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!!
So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 cuz we all need help at times... So I phoned her back and said, "yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash.
A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say hello and she starts screaming and asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"
I replied: " so you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f031t4/my_friend_just_phoned_and_asked_me_if_i_could/
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I used to have tons of casual sex until I met someone who had a tuxedo fetish.

We still have tons of sex, but it's much more formal now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f02wgm/i_used_to_have_tons_of_casual_sex_until_i_met/
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How do you call a group of transgender women?

The Ex Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f02r1t/how_do_you_call_a_group_of_transgender_women/
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An Australian, Englishman and a Irishman sit down for lunch.

They all pullout there lunch a vegimite sandwich for the Australian, soup for the Englishman and a patato for the Irishman. They all sigh and say 'if I have this for lunch one more time I'm going to kill myself!'
The next day the all have the same thing and they all follow through with there promise.
At the funeral the Australian and Englishman's wife's cry saying 'why didn't they say they don't like that I would have made them something different!' The Irishman's wife steps back laughing saying 'what a dumbass he makes his own fucking lunch'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f02odz/an_australian_englishman_and_a_irishman_sit_down/
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Wanna know how diarrhea is inherited?

It runs in your genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f02hp6/wanna_know_how_diarrhea_is_inherited/
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How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f02ero/how_do_you_cheat_on_your_wife_with_an_adult/
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I started a group for people who talk too much

I call it On and on Anon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f02efx/i_started_a_group_for_people_who_talk_too_much/
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*at a fancy restaurant* Server: So, how did you find the food sir?

Me: It was easy. You put it on a plate and kept the plate right in front of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f02bni/at_a_fancy_restaurant_server_so_how_did_you_find/
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I've been playing grab-ass with a midget all day.

Who could imagine I'd ever stoop so low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f02alu/ive_been_playing_grabass_with_a_midget_all_day/
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My wife always screams during sex

especially when I walk in on her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f01x0i/my_wife_always_screams_during_sex/
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I got slapped in the face for dressing well. I told them what my dad said “always dress like you’re gonna meet the love of your life”.

My wife really got upset by it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f01uw8/i_got_slapped_in_the_face_for_dressing_well_i/
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My girlfriend said she want's to try some condom's with something inside to increase her pleasure.

I said "what is that"  she said "other men's dick's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f01u7x/my_girlfriend_said_she_wants_to_try_some_condoms/
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My wife likes talking during sex

Yesterday, she called me from the Hotel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f01o8w/my_wife_likes_talking_during_sex/
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I got into an accident and was shocked when the doctor to.d me my fingers were broken.

It was really hard to grasp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f01h56/i_got_into_an_accident_and_was_shocked_when_the/
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What do you call a pessimistic horse?

A neigh-sayer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f01gjq/what_do_you_call_a_pessimistic_horse/
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Countries whose names are lies:

**Chile** — pretty warm
**Ivory Coast** — it's sand
**Greenland** — nope
**Turkey** — not a flightless bird
**United Kingdom** —
**Germany** — quite clean, actually
**Hungary** — they have food
**Greece** — not greasy
**Ireland** — usually quite jolly
**Ascension island** — still in the same place
**Togo** — having
**Iceland** — pretty green
**Chad** — he doesn't live there
**Thailand** — ties are optional
**Finnish** — still working on it
**Wales** — no whales
**Venezuela** — Venice is in Italy
**England** — no where near or in a gland
**Iran** — more like walking
**China** — pretty fragile at the moment
**Easter islands** — no chocolate eggs
**Marshall islands** — do not offer brand names for less
**Antarctica** — no ants
**Russia** — not really

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f01c0p/countries_whose_names_are_lies/
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I accidentally kicked my dog and it bit me on the ball's

My friend say's it's karma but if anything it's angrier than before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f01bgv/i_accidentally_kicked_my_dog_and_it_bit_me_on_the/
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I just opened up a big can of worms.

They just sit there....the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s advertised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f01bg4/i_just_opened_up_a_big_can_of_worms/
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It turns out I was wrong about my orthopedic shoes

I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f012cz/it_turns_out_i_was_wrong_about_my_orthopedic_shoes/
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What sound did the 777 airplane make when it started bouncing up and down?

Boeing boeing boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00zwz/what_sound_did_the_777_airplane_make_when_it/
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The young couple next door have made a sex tape

They don't know it yet but i have nearly finished the editing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00z5w/the_young_couple_next_door_have_made_a_sex_tape/
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What do you call a paralysed gay man?

A tomato, because most people will look at him and see a vegetable, but he's really a fruit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00ycj/what_do_you_call_a_paralysed_gay_man/
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last night a girl asked me for sex and i had to disappoint her

we had sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00wr1/last_night_a_girl_asked_me_for_sex_and_i_had_to/
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If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help...

Follow the dog and you’ll get a free purse or wallet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00uvf/if_a_service_dog_without_a_person_approaches_you/
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I hate when guys brag about their height online

It makes me six two my stomach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00u22/i_hate_when_guys_brag_about_their_height_online/
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The Monks sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
"If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says," I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth".
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound".
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door". The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door".
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
TL;DR
Man goes on a long ass journey and the punchline is disappointing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00tt0/the_monks_sound/
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I’m never smoking weed with a Mexican anymore

I asked him if he had papers and he just ran away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00so0/im_never_smoking_weed_with_a_mexican_anymore/
%
Energizer bunny arrested

and charged with battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00s2c/energizer_bunny_arrested/
%
Some drugs are alright

But i draw the line with cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00rhn/some_drugs_are_alright/
%
They finally found how Australian fires started

Fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00qsl/they_finally_found_how_australian_fires_started/
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Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It’s really time consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00hc6/have_you_ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
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How should a woman rob a bank?

A: Naked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00dpt/how_should_a_woman_rob_a_bank/
%
Ever had sex while camping?

It's fucking intents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00bdy/ever_had_sex_while_camping/
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Just found a Land Rover buried in a forest.

It was a nice Discovery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f00989/just_found_a_land_rover_buried_in_a_forest/
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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there.  Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there.  Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younger, he decided to give the place a go and see if he could catch up on some fun times with the ladies there.
On his first day a the home he met Sally, a pleasant older woman that informed Bob that on Wednesday Nights it was movie night for the residents.  She asked Bob if he would go with her to the the movie that week.  Bob told Sally that he would go with her but only if she held his penis during the film.
Sally thought about this for a bit and decided - what the heck, she could do that, as she really wanted a date for Wednesday Movie night.
Everything went well with the date and the next Tuesday Sally asked Bob if he would take her to the movie again this week but Bob said he was sorry he could not because he was going to the Wednesday Night movie with another resident Jane.
Sally was a bit miffed that Bob already had found someone else and asked Bob, "So whats Jane got that I haven't got".
To which Bob replied: "Parkinsons".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f000bi/bob_is_getting_older_and_his_kids_decided_to_put/
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Eiffel Tower

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
"Yes?"
Help my knee is made of magnets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezzj0b/eiffel_tower/
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To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezzi1j/to_the_woman_who_keeps_pounding_on_my_door_at/
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Hey baby, are you a library book?

Because the authorities are telling me to return you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezzgz2/hey_baby_are_you_a_library_book/
%
Being a journalist in Russia is like being a duck in Duck Hunt.

If they didn't get you,it's because they were getting someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezytxh/being_a_journalist_in_russia_is_like_being_a_duck/
%
Anarchists be like

governmen't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezynhg/anarchists_be_like/
%
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezyb5n/a_retired_boxer_goes_to_see_his_doctor_because/
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I hate my job all I do is crush cans

It's soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezyagd/i_hate_my_job_all_i_do_is_crush_cans/
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Looking at their new baby, the mother said, “Those tiny arms, he’ll never be a boxer. Those tiny legs, he’ll never be a runner.

Then the father looked. “He’ll never be a porn star either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezyab0/looking_at_their_new_baby_the_mother_said_those/
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I'm positive my wife has been putting superglue on my biceps at night

I asked her about it and she says no, but I'm sticking to my guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezy9jy/im_positive_my_wife_has_been_putting_superglue_on/
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Three ducks walk into a bar...

The bartender knows he’s being had so is cautious.
He walks up to the first duck and asks. What’s your name?”
The duck relies. “Huey.”
The Barman says “ so how’s it goin, Huey?”
Huey says, “ oh in and out of puddles all day, it’s a great day to be a duck.”
The Bartender steps down to the next duck, “ and what is your name?”
The duck says, “Dewy.”
“How’s it goin Dewy.”
“ oh in and out of puddles all day, great day to be a duck.”
The bartender nods and steps down to the next duck. You must be Lewy.
The duck says, “ no it’s puddles and don’t ask my fucking day is going!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezy7pe/three_ducks_walk_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a Baker and a Podiatrist?

One feels the heat, the other heals the feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezy4xc/whats_the_difference_between_a_baker_and_a/
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Man walks into a bar.... with a dog

Bartender says “ you out! No dogs allowed.”
The man says, “ but it’s a talking dog.”
The bar keep is interested. “ what do you mean a talking dog?”
The dog owner looks at his dog and asks, “ what is on top of a house?”
Roof roof says the dog.
The bartender points to the door.
“ no wait.” Pleads the man, he looks at his dog. “What is on the outside of a tree?”
“Bark, bark!” Says the dog
The bartender knows he’s being had and drags them both toward the door.
“Wait, wait,”  the man says and asks the dog.
“ what is the name of the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“Ruth, Ruth! Says the dog.
They are both thrown out into the street.
The dog walks up the man, looks back at the bar, then to the man who is sitting splay legged in the street, and says “ DiMaggio?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezy2h3/man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_dog/
%
I asked the clerk where the Terminator action figures were

She said "Aisle B, back".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezy16o/i_asked_the_clerk_where_the_terminator_action/
%
If Apple makes a car

Will it have windows?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezx1tr/if_apple_makes_a_car/
%
Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezwxym/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
%
I have alot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezwwhf/i_have_alot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.
The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, "Please tie two pillows to my back." This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain.
The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?"
And the Irishman said, "Tie the Englishman to my back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezwsws/so_a_german_an_englishman_and_an_irishman/
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Why shouldn't you use a fitting room in a store run by Team Rocket?

They might try to take a Pikachu!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezwqgy/why_shouldnt_you_use_a_fitting_room_in_a_store/
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Little Johnny goes fishing

with his grandfather out on the lake. While they're fishing, grampa pulls out a tin of chewing tobacco and takes a dip.
"Grampa, can I try that?"
Grampa thinks for a minute, then says "Does your dick reach your asshole?"
"No sir...."
"Then you ain't grown enough for it yet."
A while later, grampa pulls a beer out of the ice chest. Once again, Little Johnny asks if he can try.
"Does your dick reach your asshole yet?"
"No sir..."
"Then you ain't grown enough for it yet." They go back to fishing. Soon, Little Johnny pulls a candy bar out of his pocket.
His grampa asks for a bite.
"Well, grampa, does YOUR dick touch YOUR asshole??"
Grampa puffs his chest out. "It sure does, boy!"
Little Johnny replies, "Good. Then go fuck yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezwia5/little_johnny_goes_fishing/
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Respect

So a son with an 90 year old dad needs to take an extended business trip. As his dad can no longer care for himself, he needs to find a spot in some assisted living place.
Unfortunately, all of the Jewish homes are full. Luckily the son finds a Christian organization that takes his dad.
The son leaves, and comes back three weeks later. "How do you like it here, dad?" he asks.
"I love it here!" says the old man. "They treat everybody with such respect."
"For example. See Mr. Lang over there? He hasn't practiced medicine for over 20 years, yet everybody still calls him 'Doc.'"
"And Mr. Cuthbert over there hasn't taught school for 25 years, yet everyone still calls him 'Professor.'"
"And look at me. I haven't had an erection for 30 years, yet everybody calls me 'The Fucking Jew.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezwbuz/respect/
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I found myself wide awake early this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. I checked the time.

4:04
Sleep not found

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezwauf/i_found_myself_wide_awake_early_this_morning_and/
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Who do you think is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The guy that can carry 12 donuts and 2 cups of coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezw7xm/who_do_you_think_is_the_most_popular_guy_at_a/
%
What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezw3n1/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
What does the sign on an out of business brothel say?

Beat it, we are closed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezw2zm/what_does_the_sign_on_an_out_of_business_brothel/
%
A shipment of Viagra was stolen from my local Pharmacy this morning.

The cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezvije/a_shipment_of_viagra_was_stolen_from_my_local/
%
What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut, of course!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezve8x/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_on_the_moon/
%
My chemistry teacher threw sodium chloride and Lithium ions at me

That’s a salt and battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezv5m1/my_chemistry_teacher_threw_sodium_chloride_and/
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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office

I will find you. You have my Word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezv5dt/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office/
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Four ducks are in court for fighting in the park

Judge: You, first duck, what's your name
Duck1: Duck.
Judge: And what were you doing?
Duck: I was just blowing bubbles.
Judge: Okay, that's cool...You, second duck, what's your name?
Duck2: Duck Duck.
Judge: And what were you doing?
Duck Duck: I was just blowing bubbles.
Judge: Okay, that's cool...You, third duck, what's your name?
Duck3: Duck Duck Duck
Judge: And what were you doing?
Duck Duck Duck: I was just blowing bubbles.
Judge: Okay, that's cool...You, last duck. Let me guess, your name is Duck Duck Duck Duck?
Duck4: No, it's BUBBLES

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezuu4b/four_ducks_are_in_court_for_fighting_in_the_park/
%
What is an owl’s favorite board game?

Guess Who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezusvf/what_is_an_owls_favorite_board_game/
%
Why is Ganondorf afraid of the internet?

There are too many LINKS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezuod6/why_is_ganondorf_afraid_of_the_internet/
%
A mom asks a doctor "How's my son?" the doctor answers "He's all right"

\-Great, I thought something bad happened.
\-It did, we had to amputate his left arm and left leg, so now he's ALL right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezugra/a_mom_asks_a_doctor_hows_my_son_the_doctor/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezufmq/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
I have a friend who’s a cashier.

His username checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezuf4n/i_have_a_friend_whos_a_cashier/
%
Escargot

As a man is leaving his house for work his wife shouts out "Don't forget to buy a bag of snails on your way home, my parents are coming for dinner remember".
The man agrees and rushes off to work, where he has a terrible, stressful day. Sure enough when he gets home he's forgotten the bag of snails.
"I can't believe you've forgot to get them, you know how much my mum loves escargot. You've got 1 hour to go and get them" screams his wife.
The man runs to the local shop and buys the bag of snails, as he's walking home he goes past his local pub and his best mate runs outside and says "Hey mate come and have a drink, it's John's birthday".
The man says "yeah fuck it, but I'll just have to have a quick one as I've got the in laws coming for tea".
Needless to say one pint turns into four which turns into ten and before he knows it, the pubs closing. He grabs his bag of snails and staggers back home, drunk as a Lord.
When he gets to his garden gate he decides to vault it and in his drunken state falls flat on his face, spilling the bag of snails all over the garden path.
His wife fling open the front door and starts screaming "Where the fuck have you been, you knew my parents were coming for tea you prick"
The man gets to his feet, turns around to the snails on the path and waves them onwards saying "come on lads, nearly there".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezu8ym/escargot/
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The pond (Not Mine)

Ron, An elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for many years that had a pond at the back. It was suitable for swimming so he fixed it up with some picnic tables, a horseshoe pit and some orange and lime trees.
One evening Ron had decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket so he could bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond he could hear voices shouting and laughing with glee.
When he came closer he could see it was a group of young women skinny dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted "We aren't coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to get out of the pond naked"
Holding up the bucket Ron said "I came down here to feed the alligator"
Some old men can think fast!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezu8nh/the_pond_not_mine/
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A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:
"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can 'gross you out.' Some of you will be emergency room doctors, and you can imagine what you'll be facing. Any one of you could, no matter your path as a medical doctor, suddenly be faced at some time with a victim of a violent crime trying to hold his intestines in with limited success. Again, if you are to succeed in your medical practice you must face such carnage with utter calm.
"With this in mind," the professor pulled back a sheet on the table in front of him, revealing a cadaver. "If you are to continue in this class, and consequently this medical school, I need each of you to come to the front of the room and place a finger in the cadaver's rectum," the professor did exactly that. "And then lick your finger, put it in your mouth and suck on it like you're dining alone." He put a finger in his mouth, and pulled it out with a loud smack of his lips.
The students were horrified. Slowly, they began filing to the table at the head of the room. Each one stuck a finger up the cadaver's butthole, and cringed in horror as they put that same finger in their own mouth. They returned to their seats, scarred for life.
The professor nodded, then continued. "The second most important quality you will need as a physician is the power of observation. Note that I put my middle finger in the cadaver's rectum, then licked my index finger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eztq1c/a_large_group_of_first_year_medical_school/
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What do you call a cat copying off of another cat?

.....a cheetah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezto5y/what_do_you_call_a_cat_copying_off_of_another_cat/
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I just spoke with Bill Withers. We told him “Ain’t No Sunshine is poor grammar”.

He said, “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eztnw5/i_just_spoke_with_bill_withers_we_told_him_aint/
%
Where do karaoke machines come from?

Singapore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eztl91/where_do_karaoke_machines_come_from/
%
What’s Princess Leia’s favourite song?

Ridin’ Solo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eztkie/whats_princess_leias_favourite_song/
%
Two hats are hanging on a rack

One hat says to the other
“Wait here, I am going to go on ahead”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eztioj/two_hats_are_hanging_on_a_rack/
%
If a young dog could drink soda, what would they drink?

Pupsi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eztgp6/if_a_young_dog_could_drink_soda_what_would_they/
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One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eztabh/one_day_albert_einstein_was_on_his_way_to_a/
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What’s the difference between Rush Limbaugh’s ex-wife and cancer?

Rush didn’t beat cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezt82z/whats_the_difference_between_rush_limbaughs/
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After death, the only organ in the female body which remains warm...

is my penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezt7xk/after_death_the_only_organ_in_the_female_body/
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What did the jokester have for their breakfast?

PUN-CAKES!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezt5mt/what_did_the_jokester_have_for_their_breakfast/
%
A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.  He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more.  He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him.  "They're quite a sight.  How old are they anyhow?"
The guy who works for the museum, says, "This one, the T Rex, is 66 million years old and six months."
"Wow”, the guy responds.  “It is amazing that they can be that specific.  How do you know?"
"Well," the worker says.  "He was 66 million years old six months ago and that's when I started working here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezt20i/a_guy_went_to_museum_to_see_a_dinosaur_bone/
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A little boy in Wuhan finds a bottle...

He rubs it and a genie pops out. “I will give you two wishes as a reward for freeing me,” says the genie. The boy thinks for a second and, as he’s very patriotic, decided on his first wish. “I wish everyone in the world knew about Wuhan!” he declares. “Very well,” says the genie. “And your second wish?” The boy thinks again and decides he would like something a little more selfish. “I wish that the Lunar New Year holiday would go on forever and I don’t have to go back to school!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezsza5/a_little_boy_in_wuhan_finds_a_bottle/
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My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex...

But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezsye3/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
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Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asked if he would like a drink

He said "I think not" and disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezsxzz/descartes_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender/
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This woman’s at her hairdresser’s, and she says, “I’m going to Rome on holiday.” He says, “Oh really, what airline are you taking?” She says, “Alitalia.” He says, “Alitalia, are you crazy? That’s terrible, don’t take that.”

He says, “Where are you gonna stay?” She says, “I’m gonna stay at The Hassler.” “The Hassler! What, are you kidding? They’re renovating the Hassler. You’ll hear hammering all night long. You won’t sleep. What are you gonna see?” She says, “I think I’m going to try to go to the Vatican.” “The Vatican? You’ll be standing in line all day long.”
So she goes to Rome, she comes back, and the hairdresser says, “How was it?” She says, “It was a great trip, it was wonderful.” “How was the Vatican?” “Wonderful, we happened to meet the Pope.” “You met the Pope?” “Yeah, and he spoke to me.” “What did he say to you?” “He said, ‘Where’d you get that fucking haircut?'”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezsvyu/this_womans_at_her_hairdressers_and_she_says_im/
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If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezstmw/if_i_could_ask_neil_degrasse_tyson_anything_it/
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Dark humor is like the coronavirus

Some people get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezsr0v/dark_humor_is_like_the_coronavirus/
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I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.

He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezsmsk/i_told_my_psychiatrist_that_ive_been_hearing/
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I've put all my dogging gear up for sale on eBay.

Nobody's bought it yet but there's 14 watching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezsg6s/ive_put_all_my_dogging_gear_up_for_sale_on_ebay/
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What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Don’t know, don’t care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezseb2/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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What do you call a Mexican beetle

Gringo Star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezsbom/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_beetle/
%
Learning to waltz is hard.

It feels like I'm taking two steps forward, then one step back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezs7ma/learning_to_waltz_is_hard/
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Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha a lot of weed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezrsgc/marijuana_and_coffee_are_my_favorite_combination/
%
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. She comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself

The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezroab/a_young_blonde_woman_fears_her_husband_is_having/
%
Why is the US #1?

Coz most kids from public schools in the US can't count any further.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezrns0/why_is_the_us_1/
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What did the angel say to the other angel at the party?

Are you heaven a good time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezrlui/what_did_the_angel_say_to_the_other_angel_at_the/
%
How do russians drink pepsi?

Gulag gualg gualg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezrl9s/how_do_russians_drink_pepsi/
%
I typed cigarette lighter into google

I got 15’000 matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezrjtl/i_typed_cigarette_lighter_into_google/
%
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezri59/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_at/
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Harry Potter erotica

I got bored one day (horny kind of bored) and thought about reading an erotica. Not really what I'm used to, but I decided to give it a try. I came across a fan-fiction based on the Harry Potter series and started there.
I couldn't believe it. It turned out to be really arousing, and actually quite entertaining. Page after page I was getting closer and closer to my climax, yet I couldn't stop reading and found myself getting really tied into the story.
Every sentence and every paragraph in every chapter had me so turned on. Until a chapter that took place in a cell in Azkaban, where Harry started passionately kissing his godfather. My libido extinguished immediately, and all sexual desire gone. I just couldn't continue. It was too absurd.
I mean come on Harry. You can't be fucking Sirius!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezreuz/harry_potter_erotica/
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A Glaswegian has the munchies and wanders into a bakery

and asks the baker "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"
"No sir, you're perfectly correct, it's a doughnut".
(I don't expect many folk to get this btw)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezrd8o/a_glaswegian_has_the_munchies_and_wanders_into_a/
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Morning Chat with the Neighbour

I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "nonce" that had been spray painted on his front window.
"What's been going on John?" I asked.
"Fucking Kids." Came his mumbled reply.
Dirty Bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezrapc/morning_chat_with_the_neighbour/
%
Everyone told Sam not to sing

But Samsung anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezr66k/everyone_told_sam_not_to_sing/
%
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”
“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.
“Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezqvpz/a_couple_lived_near_the_ocean_and_used_to_walk/
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What is the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday,  because the rest of them are weakdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezqtup/what_is_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
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Do you know why a woman can’t become president of Russia?

Putin isn’t a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezqqrk/do_you_know_why_a_woman_cant_become_president_of/
%
What's a Tibet border guard's favourite pastime?

Chinese Checkers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezqp9w/whats_a_tibet_border_guards_favourite_pastime/
%
Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper.
“$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric.
“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?”
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there.
“Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Eric. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?”
At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop.
“Damn, where did she get all that from?” asks Eric.
The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezqoi1/eric_is_looking_for_a_new_desk_for_his_office_and/
%
A Texan, an Oklahoman, and a Louisianan are sitting around a campfire.

The guy from Louisiana says, “I once moved two hundred head of cattle through a hurricane.”
The Oklahoman scoffs and says, “Heck, that’s nothing. I once moved three hundred head of cattle through two tornados!”
The Texan said nothing and continued to stir the coals of the fire with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezqnp3/a_texan_an_oklahoman_and_a_louisianan_are_sitting/
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Why do we write dark with a k instead of a c?

Because you can't c in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezqm6a/why_do_we_write_dark_with_a_k_instead_of_a_c/
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Why does KFC never have toilet paper?

'Cos it's finger licking good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezqjhk/why_does_kfc_never_have_toilet_paper/
%
A guy goes into a grocery store to buy some cat food.

The woman at the counter say, “You have a cat?”
He says, “Yeah”
She says, “Where’s the cat?”
He says, “I left him at home.”
She says, “You can’t buy the cat food. Put it back.”
Next day, he walks up to the counter and wants to buy some dog food.
“You have a dog?”
“Yeah.”
“Where is it?”
“I left it at home.”
“You can’t buy the dog food. Put it back.”
The following day, the guy comes in with a brown paper bag. He goes up to the counter.
“What’s this,” she asks.
“Put your hand in the bag,” he says.
She puts her hand in the bag and says, “It’s warm and squishy. What is this?”
He says, “You wanna sell me six rolls of toilet paper now?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezqh9r/a_guy_goes_into_a_grocery_store_to_buy_some_cat/
%
If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezqbi0/if_i_had_50c_every_time_i_failed_a_maths_test/
%
After I hit the lowest point of my life, my mother told me

" Son, even if everyone gave up on you, you can never ever give up on yourself. Do you understand?
" Yes."I was deeply moved.
My mom turned around, she looked at my dad and said: " Yeah he knows, we can go now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezq3s5/after_i_hit_the_lowest_point_of_my_life_my_mother/
%
i used to steal jokes

i still do, but i used to too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezq06u/i_used_to_steal_jokes/
%
If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezpwur/if_a_is_for_apple_and_b_is_for_banana_then_what/
%
Attendance at my monthly introvert meetup is it an all time high...

It's just that I feel like we're attracting the wrong crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezpsu1/attendance_at_my_monthly_introvert_meetup_is_it/
%
I got kicked out of the hospital today

Apparently the sign "Stroke patients here" does not mean what I thought it meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezpqz0/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_hospital_today/
%
What would you call your Tesla car if it got stolen?

"Edison"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezpph2/what_would_you_call_your_tesla_car_if_it_got/
%
What Has 120 Legs And 41 Teeth?

The front row at a Garth Brooks concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezpmvi/what_has_120_legs_and_41_teeth/
%
Daughter: Dad why did you named me Rose?

Dad: Because a rose fell into your crib when you were a baby.
Son: Waaaabuoaaaadaa!!!
Dad: Shut up Brick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezpd06/daughter_dad_why_did_you_named_me_rose/
%
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezpc8g/i_hate_it_when_engineering_students_refer_to/
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We call the hardest working prostitute at a brothel Princess Jasmine

Because she’s always got Aladdin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezpbhq/we_call_the_hardest_working_prostitute_at_a/
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Oh Grandpa

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”
He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.
When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity.
His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezpari/oh_grandpa/
%
Fritz and his grandpa Hans sit atop a hill overlooking their cozy little village.

Hans points at one of the houses and says "See that house over there? I built that. But do the people of our village call me 'Hans the house builder'? No."
Then he points at a bridge crossing a small stream and says "And see that bridge over there? I built that as well. But do the people of our village call me 'Hans the bridge builder'? No, of course not."
His hands wanders over, pointing at the local church. A small one, made out of wood. And Hans says "And that church over there. You've been there often. We all have. I built that church for our village, so that people can talk to God. With my own hands I alone built us a church. But are the people of this village thankful and call me 'Hans the church builder'? No, they do not!"
"But you fuck one sheep..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezp9jb/fritz_and_his_grandpa_hans_sit_atop_a_hill/
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A paternity test

A friend of mine were called in to a paternity test.
So he went to the local doctors office and did a blood test.
He was later called back in for the results.
When he heard he wasn't the father he smiled brightly and exclaimed : it isn't important to win, but to participate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezp6o5/a_paternity_test/
%
What do you call a metal head who’s into banging fat chicks?

Down with the Thiccness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezot76/what_do_you_call_a_metal_head_whos_into_banging/
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What do you call it when the president doesn't get what he wants?

A tantrump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezonw2/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_president_doesnt_get/
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A mother gets dressed to go shopping and puts on her new fur coat.

Her little daughter notices the new fur coat and mutters "that poor creature must have suffered alot..."
*Mother*: "Don't talk about your father like that !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezo4sv/a_mother_gets_dressed_to_go_shopping_and_puts_on/
%
Dear NASA:

Your mom thought I was big enough.
Love, Pluto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezo3bd/dear_nasa/
%
What's the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?

Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eznw9b/whats_the_hardest_part_of_being_an_antivax_parent/
%
What do a religious transman and Pinocchio have in common?

Every night they pray "Please God, I want to be a real boy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezntvz/what_do_a_religious_transman_and_pinocchio_have/
%
I saw a right triangle resting under a tree.

I thought, "Wow, 90 degrees in the shade!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eznsg1/i_saw_a_right_triangle_resting_under_a_tree/
%
I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one.

It was a freebie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezn9dg/i_went_to_the_bee_keepers_to_buy_some_bees_all/
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A knight was complimenting a blacksmith on his armor crafting skills

The blacksmith responded, "It is my strong suit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezn8e6/a_knight_was_complimenting_a_blacksmith_on_his/
%
I went to the doctor because my poop had been progressively getting bigger for the past 8 days. He asked me how I knew for sure?

Me: I kept a daily log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezn815/i_went_to_the_doctor_because_my_poop_had_been/
%
Eye Doctor

Eye doctor: Your results aren't good.
Me: Could I see them?
Eye doctor: Probably not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezn6yy/eye_doctor/
%
My wife says I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid.

Joke's on her, I can stop whenever I like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezn0cc/my_wife_says_im_addicted_to_drinking_brake_fluid/
%
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED BLIND-FOLDED ARCHERY?

You don't know what you're missing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezmxus/have_you_ever_tried_blindfolded_archery/
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How do you know you’re about to give birth to Satan?

When your water boils

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezmu05/how_do_you_know_youre_about_to_give_birth_to_satan/
%
What do oral and anal have in common?

Thinking outside the box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezmery/what_do_oral_and_anal_have_in_common/
%
So a nun was taking a shower....

When someone knocked on the door
She had no way to cover herself. So she said "who is it?"
A man said, "It me, tim the blind man!"
The nun said, "come in!"
And the blind man said, "nice tits, now where should I hang these blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezmd88/so_a_nun_was_taking_a_shower/
%
Three Russians are in a gulag...

The first man asks the second, "So, why are you here?"
The second man replies, "I'm here because I criticised the former Premier"
The first man is confused and says, "that's strange; I'm here because I spoke out in *favour* of the former Premier"
They then turn to the third man and ask him, "and why are you here?"
The third man says, "I *am* the former Premier..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezm8dl/three_russians_are_in_a_gulag/
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Memory loss (Long)

A man and his wife are growing older, and the doctor tells them their memory isn't that great. He tells them they should start writing things down to remember better. At home, the wife asks for a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. She tells her husband to write it down, to which he responds that he can remember. She then asks for crushed nuts on top, and again insists that he should write it down. The husband, again, says he can remember. The wife then asks for a cherry on top, and **insists** the husband writes it down. The husband says "No, I'll remember. Ice cream with whipped cream, crushed nuts, and a cherry." The wife says "Ok" and the husband goes to get her her ice cream. A few minutes later, he appears from the kitchen with scrambled eggs and bacon. The wife looks at the plate in disbelief before asking "Where's the toast?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezm6c4/memory_loss_long/
%
The cable guy stopped me on the street.

"Hey buddy, what time is it?"
"Between noon and 4 PM."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezm15h/the_cable_guy_stopped_me_on_the_street/
%
I don’t trust those trees, son.

Son: What?! Why not?
They seem kinda shady to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezlvnr/i_dont_trust_those_trees_son/
%
Two Doctors and an HMO Manager Die and Line Up Together at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children."
St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped hundreds of people live better lives."
St. Peter tells him to go ahead inside.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager.  I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter.  You can stay for three days.  After that, you can go to Hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezls33/two_doctors_and_an_hmo_manager_die_and_line_up/
%
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night

Not Happy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezlrlr/i_got_mugged_by_6_dwarves_last_night/
%
Tribal experiment

.                                                                        We were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African black tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24inches.
Later that evening as I was getting out of the shower, my wife looked at me and said, "How about we try the African String-and-Weight procedure?" I reluctantly agreed and we tied a string and a weight to my penis.
A few days later, my wife asked me, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about
halfway there," I replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?”
"No, it's turned black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezldko/tribal_experiment/
%
Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!

"Moishe, I think you may be exaggerating", said Rabbi
"No, I am pretty sure of it, Rabbi!"
"Ah, don't be such a drama queen, I'll talk to her".
Rabbi goes to another room to talk to man's wife. He comes out about 30 minutes later and says: "You know, after talking to your wife I can see I was wrong - and you're actually right. My advice? Take the poison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezlbrl/rabbi_i_think_my_wife_is_trying_to_poison_me/
%
I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".

And there's always a room for improvement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezla7z/i_went_to_a_hotel_to_ask_for_a_room_and_the_lady/
%
A biologist, statistician and a mathematician are watching a house

. They see two people enter and three people leave.
Biologist: “We have just witnessed an example of reproduction.”
Statistician: “This falls within the statistical error.”
Mathematician: “If one more person enters the house, it will be empty...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezl9mn/a_biologist_statistician_and_a_mathematician_are/
%
You let a sloth give you gonnorhea?!

*slow clap*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezl68f/you_let_a_sloth_give_you_gonnorhea/
%
At my funeral I want everyone that has ever been in a group project with me to carry my casket

That way they can all let me down one more time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezl14w/at_my_funeral_i_want_everyone_that_has_ever_been/
%
I decided to try fellatio for the first time.

I blew it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezkvyu/i_decided_to_try_fellatio_for_the_first_time/
%
What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezkr93/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
%
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

Went out. Had a few drinks. He's a nice guy. He's a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezk4cw/my_wife_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead_of/
%
I went to the eye doctor.

Eye doctor: Your results aren't good.
Me: Can I see them?
Eye doctor: Probably not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezk1zb/i_went_to_the_eye_doctor/
%
I studied Bears in college

I was an Ursa Major.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezjus7/i_studied_bears_in_college/
%
My viagra was stolen

Be on the look out for hardened criminals!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezjk9k/my_viagra_was_stolen/
%
A masochist walks into a bar

Repeatedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezj8we/a_masochist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Charlie: "I just bought the most expensive, high-tech hearing aids available."

Eddie: "No shit! What kind is it?"
Charlie: "Quarter after nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezio6q/charlie_i_just_bought_the_most_expensive_hightech/
%
Why does the EU look so good?

She’s lost a pound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezikq7/why_does_the_eu_look_so_good/
%
I purchased some noise cancelling headphones..

I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezifd4/i_purchased_some_noise_cancelling_headphones/
%
I can't believe people don't eat the crust like wtf it's part of the food, it's fantastic!

Even if it doesn't taste the same as the rest of the watermelon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezic4h/i_cant_believe_people_dont_eat_the_crust_like_wtf/
%
Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.
So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees.
So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing.
Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees.
Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away.
Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now *this* is how you fan a girl with a towel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezi9s1/tim_has_been_dating_his_girlfriend_for_months_but/
%
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezi6hz/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_chess_players/
%
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezi568/why_do_the_french_have_small_breakfasts/
%
Why do we say amen instead of awomen?

Because we sing hymns instead of hers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezi1l8/why_do_we_say_amen_instead_of_awomen/
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Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the ﬂower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 6.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to ﬁx these problems, but to no avail.
What can l do?
Signed,
Desperate
\-------------
Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter the command: I thought you loved me.xml, download Tears 6.2 and be sure to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, please remember that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5. Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do. DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-ln-Law 1.0 (lt runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
ln addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot install new applications quickly.
You might consider  additional software to improve your memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.
Signed,
Tech Support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezhyem/dear_tech_support/
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A magician is having sex with a woman...

A magician is having sex with a woman and he cums inside her.
The woman gets angry over this and yells at him "why the fuck would you cum inside me!!?"
Magician says "psyche! Check your ear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezhpnc/a_magician_is_having_sex_with_a_woman/
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Two conspiracy theorists arrive in heaven

God says to them, “I will tell you anything you want to know”
One of the conspiracy theorists asks, “who shot JFK?”
God responds, “it was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone”
The conspiracy theorists turn to each other, “this is bigger than we thought”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezhjwk/two_conspiracy_theorists_arrive_in_heaven/
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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bike and a well dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezhavw/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
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Jussie Smollett told me he was feeling bad about recent mistakes...

I told him not to beat himself up too badly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezh9nx/jussie_smollett_told_me_he_was_feeling_bad_about/
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I was having a heavy night last night and I said to myself, "self, you need to stop drinking right now."

But there was no way I was going to listen to a drunk who talks to himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezgo9a/i_was_having_a_heavy_night_last_night_and_i_said/
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Once upon a time there was

a kingdom. And in that kingdom was an annoyed king. He was mad that every man in his kingdom was only listening to their wive's orders and didn't make any decisions themselves. So the king decided to call every man to his palace. he asked them: All of those who make their own decisions, please go to the right. all of those who blindly follow their wives' orders, go to the left. most men went to the left, but there was one small man who went to the right. The king was happy with him and asked that man: finally, i have found a real man! At least he doesn't blindly follow orders like a dog!
the king asked the man: i am incredibly impressed in you. tell me, why did you move to the right?
the man said: my wife told me to move away from crouds this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezgclc/once_upon_a_time_there_was/
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Why do people that have been shot always go to heaven

Because they are hole-y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezg8zu/why_do_people_that_have_been_shot_always_go_to/
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A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.

The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to a full work-up on the patient. His temperature is good, his blood pressure is fine, blood tests come back normal... so the doctor says to the guy, "Everything physically appears fine with you. Let's discuss your lifestyle... tell me about your average day? Is it stressful?"
The guy replies, "Not stressful at all, doc. See, I was born into money, I have never worked a day in my life. I have all I need; multiple homes and cars, beautiful art, women on my arm at any time, nothing is stressful! I literally just sit around all day, watching porn and eating Cheetos..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezg8hc/a_young_guy_goes_to_a_doctor_complaining_that_his/
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I searched on google “how to start a forest fire.”

It cam up with around 48,500 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezg50a/i_searched_on_google_how_to_start_a_forest_fire/
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Why do black people only have nightmares?

Cuz the last one to have a dream got shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezg4w9/why_do_black_people_only_have_nightmares/
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I just wrote a book on reverse psychology

Don't read it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezg3t5/i_just_wrote_a_book_on_reverse_psychology/
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Andy's mom's toys have the same names

Woody and buzz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezg2x2/andys_moms_toys_have_the_same_names/
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There are so many things I like about horses, but my favorite is all that hair running down their neck.

That’s the mane thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezfv7s/there_are_so_many_things_i_like_about_horses_but/
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Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because.... he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezfkdl/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
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A president, a rapist and a liar walk into a bar...

He orders a cheeseburger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezfj75/a_president_a_rapist_and_a_liar_walk_into_a_bar/
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A man was at an interview for a tree-cutting job...

And the interviewer asked if he had any past experience.
"Yes, I have a lot of experience," the man said, "I cut down all the trees in the Sahara Desert."
The interviewer replied, "But the Sahara Desert doesn't have any trees."
"Yes, not anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezfca0/a_man_was_at_an_interview_for_a_treecutting_job/
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Communists jokes on internet aren't memes

They're ourours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezf9d3/communists_jokes_on_internet_arent_memes/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

"We need to find some support soon before people start thinking we are nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezek1b/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other/
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When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses.

It was a blessing in disguise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezedkb/when_i_was_baptised_the_priest_wore_a_fake_nose/
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If two red-heads have a child, it’s ginger-bred

this is the seventh time this joke has been posted here in seven years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eze9tc/if_two_redheads_have_a_child_its_gingerbred/
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The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.
Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".
Jim and his friends venture over to view the ritual, and see an old man sitting on a bar stool in the middle of the crowd, with a long line jutting from it. When asked what's going on, a woman from the group tells Jim that everyone takes turns lugging the man upside his head, and whoever knocks him off the stool wins $50.
The old man looked very weathered, but sat up straight with a demanding presence.
Jim wasn't very comfortable with the idea of hitting an old man, but his friends urged him on. After a good five minutes of waiting, it was his turn to swing. Coyly, he threw a weak jab at the old man's cheek.
Sensing his hesitation, the old man urged him to hit as hard as he could. So Jim pulled his arm back once more, and propelled his fist violently into the old mans left temple, and he fell from the stool, the whole crowd silent with shock. Then the crowd suddenly roared with cheering, joyous that someone had finally knocked the old man off of his throne.
The old man slowly pulled himself off the ground, and after dusting himself off, began reaching into his wallet to reward the Jim with the promised payment, but before he could, he bet that Jim  couldn't knock him down once more. Jim was still uneasy about what he'd just done, but the encouragement from the crowd persuaded him to take the bet.
The old man sat himself back on the stool, and prepared for the blow to come. Jim pulled back his hand, and like a plane from a runway, sent his fist into the old man's jaw. The sound was like the cracking of a whip, and it shook the souls of everyone in the bar. The old man hit the floor, throwing up the dust of the wooden boards. The crowd went ballistic, cheering for Jim and his victory. The old man took a few minutes to stand back up, and was struck with confusion. After he finally regained his composure, he payed Jim $100 for his double knockout and sat down at a table.
With his reward, Jim bought the whole crowd a round of drinks, and had a great time the rest of the night.
That next weekend, Jim and his friends were thinking of things to do. He proposed they return to the bar, and they did. When they entered, scattered cheers filled the room, eminating from some of those who viewed his show of strength a week earlier. And in the corner was the old man, back on his stool, another great crowd around him.
One thing led to another, and Jim was in line to pummel the old man once more. When his turn had come, the old man sneered at him, proclaiming he had trained for this the past week, hoping Jim would return to the bar. Jim, uncaring of the old man's teases, swung and knocked the old man from his chair. He received his $50 and him and his friends spent it all on alcohol.
Jim capitalized on his odd talent for punching the elderly and took his friends to the bar every weekend, almost never having to pay for their drinks, using his swing money instead. He grew to enjoy hitting the old man so much he would sometimes simply go to the bar by himself. He'd even go during the week, when the bar was less busy, so there was no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eze1ww/the_swing_bar/
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So, one of my friends was talking about the Dune series yesterday

He mentions a guy who gets an STD that turns him into a fat slug person.
I called him "Jabba the Nut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezdwsj/so_one_of_my_friends_was_talking_about_the_dune/
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A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink

, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen slowly turns to the man who took his drink and says,
"I've had a really bad day. My alarm clock didn't go off this morning so I was late to work, which got me fired. When I went to drive home I found my car had been stolen. In the cab I took to get home my wallet fell out and I lost it. When I get home I find my wife in bed with the neighbor. And now, when I finally get the courage to kill myself, somebody drinks my poison. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezdwhr/a_man_is_sitting_at_a_bar_staring_at_his_drink/
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My wife kept yelling at me for doing flamingo impressions

so I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezdfpf/my_wife_kept_yelling_at_me_for_doing_flamingo/
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I walked into my sister squirting herself with a carrot...

I said "Damn, I was going to eat that but now it tastes like carrot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezddrj/i_walked_into_my_sister_squirting_herself_with_a/
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I saw a sign on a gas station bathroom the other day

It said "If you voted for Trump, you can't shit here. Your asshole is in Washington DC"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezd9s9/i_saw_a_sign_on_a_gas_station_bathroom_the_other/
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What type of elf is the rudest?

A go fuck yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezd927/what_type_of_elf_is_the_rudest/
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There once was a man who played the piano in a restaurant every weekend.

All his songs had no words but they all had names that were extremely rude. The restaurant manager found out their names but told him not to tell them to anyone because he was a very good piano player.
One night he was playing away on the piano but he wasn't playing his best. The manager asked him why he was playing so bad and he said that he needed some "self stimulation". The manager told him to go on his break and do what he needed to do.
He then went to the bathroom but accidentally went into he women's bathroom. 30 minutes later he came out of his bathroom stall and a woman was standing there.
She said to him "Do you know your fly is open, your dick is hanging out and there's stuff dripping down your leg?!?!".
He replies, "Do I know them, I bloody wrote them all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezd8q6/there_once_was_a_man_who_played_the_piano_in_a/
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A police officer knocked on my door around 8 last night to tell me it looks like my wife has been hit by a truck.

I explained that I agree, but she  is a great mother, and is super nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezd6s0/a_police_officer_knocked_on_my_door_around_8_last/
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You know what my sexual fantasy is?

To have sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezd5e4/you_know_what_my_sexual_fantasy_is/
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I once met a very horny judge

He tried really hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezd3ns/i_once_met_a_very_horny_judge/
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((cos^-2 x) - 1)^(1/2)

Sorry, I went off on a tangent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezd358/cos2_x_112/
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What is Forrest Gump's favorite pasta?

Pennay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezczqs/what_is_forrest_gumps_favorite_pasta/
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Job interview

A company has a new role available so they start interviewing people. At some point one of the candidates is asked by the interviewers:
I: “Which is your biggest disadvantage?”
C: “I’m too honest.”
I: “Well, I think honesty it’s not really a disadvantage.”
C: “Well, I don’t really care what you think.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezcy7h/job_interview/
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My friend told me he was diagnosed with HIV

I told him to stay positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezcxhb/my_friend_told_me_he_was_diagnosed_with_hiv/
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Why do sword fighters have a high karma rating on reddit?

They have been trained to riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezcsgk/why_do_sword_fighters_have_a_high_karma_rating_on/
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Today our fax-machine died and no one cared

Zero fax given

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezcp1k/today_our_faxmachine_died_and_no_one_cared/
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What does Optimus Prime say when it is time to leave the orgy?

"Autobots, PULL OUT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezcnmw/what_does_optimus_prime_say_when_it_is_time_to/
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Native American called Onestone

There once was a native American who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
You can't kill Two Birds
with
OneStone !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezclo0/native_american_called_onestone/
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Why was the math book sad?

Because it had so many problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezci14/why_was_the_math_book_sad/
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Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus

In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezcfcl/eminem_is_the_first_celebrity_to_be_diagnosed/
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A man shouting outside- "if you invest $5, you can sit and relax for the rest of your life".

He was selling chairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezc7dy/a_man_shouting_outside_if_you_invest_5_you_can/
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Why don't demons steal hairpieces?

Because if they did, there'd be Hell toupee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezc701/why_dont_demons_steal_hairpieces/
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My obese parrot died..

It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezc11e/my_obese_parrot_died/
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning Father, Good Morning Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, after a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning Father, Good morning Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezc0nu/two_priests_decided_to_go_to_hawaii_on_vacation/
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An idiot.

What do you call a person who puts the punchline in the title of their post?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezbu14/an_idiot/
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why do French people eat snails

because they hate fast food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezbsyr/why_do_french_people_eat_snails/
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3 generations of prostitutes are standing on a corner one day discussing life.

The 19 year old prostitute says “Man what a rough day! I only got $20 for giving a blowjob!”
To which the 40 year old prostitute replies “20?! Back in my day we only got $5!”
The 80 year old prostitute scoffs and says “You kids got it easy with blow jobs today. Back in my day we were just happy to have something warm in our stomachs”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezbrkg/3_generations_of_prostitutes_are_standing_on_a/
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I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets...

Then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezbrd4/i_was_wondering_why_does_a_frisbee_appear_larger/
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To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide, but you cant run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezbmwd/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
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“Dong. Ding dong.”

—James Bond’s doorbell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezblf1/dong_ding_dong/
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A guy was at a rich couple's party...

The guy said to the rich man, "I bet you a hundred dollars I could throw three eggs at your grand piano, and none of them would break."
The rich man accepted the bet, sure that he would win.
The guy threw three eggs at the grand piano, and all three of them broke.
The rich man laughed hysterically as the guy handed him $100.
"Wow," he said, out of breath from laughing. "What made you think you could win that bet?"
"I didn't," the guy replied. "It's just that I bet your wife a million dollars that I could throw three eggs at your grand piano and you'd just laugh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezbixq/a_guy_was_at_a_rich_couples_party/
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A woman stands in a bus station and thinks to herself: "should I go by bus or by taxi?

If I go by taxi, it doesn't matter. If I go by bus, there are 2 options; either I'll sit, or I'll stand. If I stand, it doesn't matter. If I sit, there are 2 options; either I'll sit next to a boy, or I'll sit next to a girl. If I'll sit next to a girl, it doesn't matter. If I sit next to a boy, there are 2 options; either we fall in love, or we won't fall in love. If we won't fall in love, it doesn't matter. If we fall in love, there are 2 options; either we'll get married and have kids, or we won't get married and won't have kids. If we don't get married, it doesn't matter. If we'll get married and have kids, there are 2 options; either we'll have a boy, or we'll have a girl. If we'll have a girl, it doesn't matter. If we'll have a boy, there are 2 options; either he'll go to to the army, or he won't go to the army. If he won't go to the army, it doesn't matter. If he'll go to the army, there are 2 options; either he'll fight and die, or he'll fight and won't die. If he'll fight and won't die, it doesn't matter. If he'll fight and die -
Shouldn't I go by taxi?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezbccp/a_woman_stands_in_a_bus_station_and_thinks_to/
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A panda walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a salad and drink.  The food arrives, he eats it, pays for his meal and tips the barkeep. Then he pulls a pistol, fires a round into the air, and just walks out of the bar as though this were the most normal thing in the world.
A customer looks at the bar keep and says "What the hell was that all about!  Was the food bad or something, and was that just panda in a bar!?"
Barkeep says "Now calm down... Let's just look this up".  He reaches under the bar and pulls a dictionary.  "Alright here it is," says the barkeep.
"Panda: Eats shoots and leaves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezb6x3/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it again):

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezax98/i_cant_find_a_joke_i_read_here_yesterday/
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Two guys walk into a bar...

... the third one ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezaw7j/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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Nobody showed up to the sign language club.

It’s too bad nobody has ever heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezavl0/nobody_showed_up_to_the_sign_language_club/
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What did the block mason say before he fired his employee for doing a poor job making sewer covers?

I'm about to end his manhole's career

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezas29/what_did_the_block_mason_say_before_he_fired_his/
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What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezakjw/whats_the_difference_between_mashed_potatoes_and/
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Jeffrey Epstein went to hell

after his death and met the devil who told him what his punishment is going to be.
"You see these people lined up with boxing gloves? You will be made to spread your legs so that they can hit you below the belt. I am surprised many have volunteered. You must have sinned a lot"
"Is this a joke?"
"Yep, and that's the punch line"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezai3u/jeffrey_epstein_went_to_hell/
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[NSFW] The Only Positions Melania Trump Likes are Cowgirl and Reverse Cowgirl.

That's because all her husband knows how to do is fuck up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezahvw/nsfw_the_only_positions_melania_trump_likes_are/
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Why doesn't America use the metric system?

They have a foot fetish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ezafmk/why_doesnt_america_use_the_metric_system/
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An ant walked into a man's house

The ant requested the man to stay in his house. The man was polite and allowed it to stay with him without paying rent. After a few more days, another ant, hearing the news about the free accomodation also came and asked for a home. He allowed both of them to stay for free because they were tiny and wouldn't take up much space. Slowly, more ants started to come and ask for a place to live. The owner was kind hearted and allowed them to stay.
After a month or so, the 10th and knocked on his door. The man refused to the ants stay.
He said that they were now ten ants, so they had to pay rent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez9x0n/an_ant_walked_into_a_mans_house/
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How many calories do you get from eating ass?

Depends on how well they wipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez9wjb/how_many_calories_do_you_get_from_eating_ass/
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When I met my wife, I felt like my heart was going to jump out chest, my head was spinning, and I couldn't think straight, the only thing I could think was...

... "That's the prettiest doctor I've ever seen, I'll ask her out if she's able to save me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez9viq/when_i_met_my_wife_i_felt_like_my_heart_was_going/
%
How can you tell if someone has short term memory loss ?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez9stb/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_has_short_term_memory/
%
What does playing poker and sleeping with women have in common?

A pair of 9's is pretty good.
But four 2's will beat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez9rdc/what_does_playing_poker_and_sleeping_with_women/
%
A priest, a rapist and a paedophile walk into a bar.

He orders a beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez9mex/a_priest_a_rapist_and_a_paedophile_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Grandma and Grandpa are trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, has died.

“You know,” Grandma said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.” Susie stops crying and asks, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez9j50/grandma_and_grandpa_are_trying_to_console_susie/
%
"Dad, I found a wife for me"

"That is good son, Who is it?"
"It is grandma."
"That is my mother"
"You can marry mine and I can't marry yours. What kind of logic is that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez9ee4/dad_i_found_a_wife_for_me/
%
Someone threw a bottle of mayo at me

I was like, "What the Hellmann?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez9d2k/someone_threw_a_bottle_of_mayo_at_me/
%
What did the baby say to his military mom after she gave birth to him?

Thank you for your cervix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez96qy/what_did_the_baby_say_to_his_military_mom_after/
%
what do u call a strong soup?

s0uperior

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez95ao/what_do_u_call_a_strong_soup/
%
What's Jesus's favourite hobby?

Cross fit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez958r/whats_jesuss_favourite_hobby/
%
A lifeguard asks a mother to scold her son for urinating in the public pool.

“It’s perfectly natural,” the mother says, “for young children to urinate in the pool. Plenty of children at this pool do it. I don’t see why my son doing it is such a big deal.” The lifeguard pulls down his sunglasses and replies, “Well, all the other kids aren’t doing it off the diving board.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8xld/a_lifeguard_asks_a_mother_to_scold_her_son_for/
%
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”

It’s where I flip your MOM over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8wgq/my_favourite_sex_position_is_called_wow/
%
What do you call people who take care of chickens?

Chicken tenders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8tnq/what_do_you_call_people_who_take_care_of_chickens/
%
When I was a kid my parents told me "never open the cellar door"

One day they went out , so I sneaked up to it and pushed it open and saw wonderful things I had never seen before .
Like grass, trees, the sun, the sky .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8tel/when_i_was_a_kid_my_parents_told_me_never_open/
%
Just arrived home early from work and saw some thieving bastard that had been trying to break in to my house

....he managed to escape by hopping over the neighbour's gardens...
I'm proud of my wife though, she must have put up some fight because she's half naked, covered in sweat and can hardly walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8sat/just_arrived_home_early_from_work_and_saw_some/
%
How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh ?

Wonton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8qrn/how_much_does_a_chinese_dumpling_weigh/
%
Three prisoners were sentenced to death for their crimes

Each of the three prisoners were brought up one at a time in front of the firing squad.
The first man was up and the captain began to shout " ready... aim...." and the prisoner yelled "Tornado!!!". Everyone ran for cover and the first prisoner got away.
The second man was brought forth and the captain began to shout " ready... aim..." Thinking quick like the first prisoner the second man yelled " Tsunami!!" and everyone ran for safety while the second prisoner got away.
The third prisoner however, was not as bright. He saw how easy the first to guys got away and thought he could do the same. He was brought forth and the Captain yelled "ready.... aim...." and then as loud as the third prisoner could yell he screamed out "Fire!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8qli/three_prisoners_were_sentenced_to_death_for_their/
%
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eight, if you want to screw it completely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8obq/how_many_game_of_thrones_seasons_does_it_take_to/
%
What’s a horse’s favourite Beatles song?

Hay Chewed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8o6y/whats_a_horses_favourite_beatles_song/
%
I just came into some money!!!

What was I supposed to do?  I couldn't find a tissue!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8o0x/i_just_came_into_some_money/
%
Organic chemistry is difficult.

Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8nrz/organic_chemistry_is_difficult/
%
A teacher asks her class their favorite after school snacks.

“Decklyn,” the teacher calls to the new student in the back of the room, “what’s your favorite after school snack?”
“Nuts,” he replies.
“Very good,” the teacher replies. “What kind of nuts? Peanuts? Pine nuts?”
The boy shakes his head and answers, “Doughnuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8md8/a_teacher_asks_her_class_their_favorite_after/
%
A Native American lad asked his dad how they got their names.

Well son, the morning after a child is born the father leaves the Teepee and the child is names after the first thing he sees.  That is how your sisters Wild Flower and Running Deer got their names.  And how your brothers Red Cloud and Soaring Eagle got their names.  Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8lwk/a_native_american_lad_asked_his_dad_how_they_got/
%
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

Now, that seems awfully convenient to be a coincidence, doesn’t it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8lat/two_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought

“I can’t turn that down”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8jpz/i_saw_an_ad_in_a_shop_window_television_for_sale/
%
Wife: “why are you home so early?”

Husband: “My Boss told me to go to hell!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8j8m/wife_why_are_you_home_so_early/
%
Why Microsoft Search Engine is called Bing?

**B**ecause **I**ts **N**ot **G**oogle (BING)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8gpn/why_microsoft_search_engine_is_called_bing/
%
Why did the music thief get such good grades?

He was really good at taking notes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8fnc/why_did_the_music_thief_get_such_good_grades/
%
Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez8de8/where_are_the_arnold_schwarzenegger_action_figures/
%
Did you hear that the Air Force just bought a bunch of copies of The Little Mermaid on DVD?

They must be preparing for an Ariel assault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez89wk/did_you_hear_that_the_air_force_just_bought_a/
%
Did someone lose a roll of 20 dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?

Cause' I found the rubber band

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez89v5/did_someone_lose_a_roll_of_20_dollar_bills/
%
Did I come up with this :P

So i tell all my friends this joke that isnt the funniest but I believe I came up with it by myself and I make sure I tell everyone I do. Am i wrong? haha.
anyway. Where is Yodas favourite place to drink?
Dagobah
Am I now a comedian or did I see this somewhere else and subconciuosly steal it lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez88mq/did_i_come_up_with_this_p/
%
It is impossible to play hide and seek in an airport

You’re always hiding in plane sight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez877g/it_is_impossible_to_play_hide_and_seek_in_an/
%
I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees,

But for some reason they're all speaking Vietnameese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez83yr/i_am_the_lorax_i_speak_for_the_trees/
%
My wife is blaming me for screwing up her birthday

She is so absurd. I didn't even know it was her birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez82l6/my_wife_is_blaming_me_for_screwing_up_her_birthday/
%
What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?

Hop in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez80vd/what_do_you_say_to_a_hitchhiker_with_one_leg/
%
Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, " On what day will I die?" She assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. "Why are you so sure of that?", demanded Hitler.

"Any day", she replied, " on which you die will be a jewish holiday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez7ws5/hitler_went_to_a_fortune_teller_and_asked_her_on/
%
A doctor asked his old army vet patient...

When was the last time you had sex?
With a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"
Doctor: "Wow! Its been a long time then hasn't it?"
Vet: (Looking at his watch) What do you mean? It's only 20:20 now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez7wap/a_doctor_asked_his_old_army_vet_patient/
%
Is getting laid a joke ?

I don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez7rfo/is_getting_laid_a_joke/
%
Communism was bound to not work in a long run

Red flags were always there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez7pgt/communism_was_bound_to_not_work_in_a_long_run/
%
[long] A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets

A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets, as he stops at a trafic light, he recognizes an old friend from high shcool driving a barely functionning Fiero. The guy can't resist making fun of his old classmate and his apparent bad luck with money.
*"Hey Mitch, it's been a long time ! How are you doing ?*
*- Oh it's fine, I guess... hmm it's Ferrari's last model you have there, right ?*
*- Yeah,"* he says smiling. *"You like it ?*
*- Of course I do. I like it so much, I'd like to trade it for my car."*
The guy in the Ferrari burst out laughing. How would he trade his Ferrari for a beaten up car ? But the old classmate has more than just a car : *" let's go park somewhere down the street, I'll show you something".*  As they stop and go out of their cars, Mitch pulls out an old lamp from the Fiero.
*"Check this out"*  he says. He scrubs the lamp for a second, and a genie comes out. *"hey genie, could you give us two cold beers please ?"*  And poof ! The two old friends get their beers.
Amazed by this, the guy is ok to trade his Ferrari for the Fiero and the lamp.
The guy is so proud of himself, he honks several times when he reaches home, causing his wife to get out of the house.
*"What the hell is this shitty car ? Where is your Ferrari ?"* asks the wife
*"- Forget about the Ferrari, I have something even greater"*
He pulls out the lamp, scrubs it, the genie appears. The man then asks the genie to give his wife flowers, and the same Ferrari, but in a different color.
To what the genie answers *"Sorry sir, I can only grant you cold beers"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez7nqb/long_a_guy_is_driving_his_brand_new_ferrari_down/
%
I made a graph showing my past relationships

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez7i0g/i_made_a_graph_showing_my_past_relationships/
%
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?

All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez74o4/why_are_redneck_murders_the_hardest_to_solve/
%
A second-grade teacher is giving her daily grammar lesson.

“Tammy,” the teacher calls out to a girl in the first row of class, “please use ‘I’ in a sentence.”
“I is,” Tammy begins, but was immediately interrupted.
“No, Tammy,” the teacher says, “that’s incorrect. You always say ‘I am.’”
“All right,” Tammy says. “I am the letter that comes after H.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez6ute/a_secondgrade_teacher_is_giving_her_daily_grammar/
%
FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time

Your body takes a screenshot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez6q1x/fun_fact_if_you_fart_and_sneeze_at_the_same_time/
%
What do you call a cowboy terrorist?

A yee-hawdist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez6d6n/what_do_you_call_a_cowboy_terrorist/
%
What do you call a midget psychic who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez65zo/what_do_you_call_a_midget_psychic_who_has_escaped/
%
I'm procrastinating so much, I'm going to kill myself

...later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez64ta/im_procrastinating_so_much_im_going_to_kill_myself/
%
A teacher walks over to the desk of a student during an exam and says to him

“I hope I didn’t just see you looking over at your neighbor’s answers.”
The boy replies, “Yeah, I hope you didn’t see it either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez62vs/a_teacher_walks_over_to_the_desk_of_a_student/
%
I used to be a plumber, but now I’m a missionary.

...I bless the drains down in Africa...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez61m1/i_used_to_be_a_plumber_but_now_im_a_missionary/
%
A young boy runs into the house and excitedly shows his mother a fifty-dollar bill he found in the park.

“Are you sure it was lost?” the mother asks.
“I’m positive,” the boy replies. “I even saw the guy looking for it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez61kq/a_young_boy_runs_into_the_house_and_excitedly/
%
A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez610a/a_small_boy_swallows_some_coins_and_is_taken_to_a/
%
Imagine a Condom that’s 100% safe..

Actually, never mind. That’s inconceivable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez60be/imagine_a_condom_thats_100_safe/
%
What’s 6.9

A really great thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez5io5/whats_69/
%
Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Becuase they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez5gut/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
An old, blind man walks into an all female bar without realizing it ...

He sits down at the bar, orders a beer and yells out, "Anyone wanna hear a blonde joke?!?"  The bartender, seething already, warns him, "mister, I can see that your blind, so before you go any further, let me make you aware of something.  I'm blonde and also hold a black belt in karate ... the blonde gal to your right is a North American MMA champion .... the blonde gal to your left is a middle weight 3 time boxing champion ... and the blonde gal behind you holds 7 records in powerlifting.  So, are you sure you really wanna tell this joke?"  The blind man hesitates for a few seconds and then replies ....
.
.
"Not if I'm gonna have to repeat it four times!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez5etk/an_old_blind_man_walks_into_an_all_female_bar/
%
I'm turning anti-vax because

Vaccines cause adults and adults suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez5d1y/im_turning_antivax_because/
%
Morning habits: everyday I have to pee at 6am

Then I wake up and get ready for work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez5a3n/morning_habits_everyday_i_have_to_pee_at_6am/
%
Did you hear the story about the guy that fucked a pig?

Once there was a guy...
Ya know what, just ask your dad. It's his story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez55v8/did_you_hear_the_story_about_the_guy_that_fucked/
%
I used to be addicted to soap

But I’m clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez509x/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
What’s orange and sound like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez4z0p/whats_orange_and_sound_like_a_parrot/
%
What happens when you give Viagra to a politician?

They get taller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez4u31/what_happens_when_you_give_viagra_to_a_politician/
%
Personal trainer just got 9 years for selling drugs.

Been going to him for years...just shows that you never really know someone. Had no idea he was a personal trainer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez4oxo/personal_trainer_just_got_9_years_for_selling/
%
I once had an unexpected run-in with a guy with a premature ejaculation problem.

He just came out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez4nho/i_once_had_an_unexpected_runin_with_a_guy_with_a/
%
Some people were swordfighting with long pieces of bread. Then, pretty soon, everyone was swordfighting with long pieces of bread

because violence baguettes violence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez4le3/some_people_were_swordfighting_with_long_pieces/
%
It you ever feel lonely, you can go on GTA and commit a crime.

So that way you're still wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez4kvv/it_you_ever_feel_lonely_you_can_go_on_gta_and/
%
What's a popular board game in Jerusalem?

Jewmanji

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez464n/whats_a_popular_board_game_in_jerusalem/
%
A man goes to a music store and starts copying down some sheet music

Clerk: "Sir, are you plagiarising that music?"
Man: "No, I'm just taking some notes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez3gky/a_man_goes_to_a_music_store_and_starts_copying/
%
A man gets pulled over...

Cops walks over:
Cop: Sir, you know how fast you were going?
Man: I have no idea officer, just paying attention to the road, I guess.
Wife: Bullshit! You were going 90! I told you to slow down! Slow down! But noooooo!!
Man (quietly): shut the fuck up
Cop: I notice your seat belt is not on either
Man: I was just reaching in my pocket to get my license and registration out, had to unbuckle to get it.
Wife: LIAR! I told you, buckle up! Make that "ding ding ding" annoyance stop. For miles!!!
Man (louder now): Bitch, Shut the fuck up!
Cop: I also notice one of your headlights is out.
Man: Oh? Jeez. Must have just happened - did not even know!
Wife: Again, with your lying! How many times did I tell you to fix it? Hm??
Man (LOUD): SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. CUNT!!!!
Cop walks over to woman's side, leans down: Ma'am, I have to ask - does he always talk to you like that?
Wife: Oh no, officer. Only when he's drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez39xh/a_man_gets_pulled_over/
%
Make love not war...

If you want both, get married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez377w/make_love_not_war/
%
Come on Nancy Pelosi..

you can't just rip one on live television like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez36lc/come_on_nancy_pelosi/
%
Why do nipples have bumps?

So blind people can enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez2rsc/why_do_nipples_have_bumps/
%
Why would Jeffrey Epstein make a bad musician?

Because he would spend all day fingering A Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez2gbd/why_would_jeffrey_epstein_make_a_bad_musician/
%
I like to masturbate long words into conversation,

even if I don't know what they mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez2fjk/i_like_to_masturbate_long_words_into_conversation/
%
Three men walking through a desert

Three English men were walking through a desert. They were tired and thirsty but most of all hungry.
Soon, they came across a nomad with about two camels, one alive and one very much dead.
The nomad said "Hey there, you guys look hungry"
The three men all nodded.
"I tell you what, I was about to start eating this camel. I'll share it with you"
The three men soon started arguing about who gets what when one of them chimes in with a "Alright guys, how about this? Whatever football team we support dictates what part of the camel we can have"
So he goes "Well, I support Liverpool"
So he got the liver
"I support Hartlepool" said the second man and so he got the heart.
The last guy said "I support Arsenal but I'm not hungry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez2d3e/three_men_walking_through_a_desert/
%
Had my Tesla stolen the other day

Now it's an Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez2asy/had_my_tesla_stolen_the_other_day/
%
I hate pushing buttons

They always become depressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez23oi/i_hate_pushing_buttons/
%
Elderly couples are socializing over tea and biscuits, men are playing cards...

Marv: Oh, Benny, you won't believe the new diner we went to - the foood! Oy vey! You must try it!!
Benny: What's it called?
Marv: Hang on.. Oy... Um.. Hm.. What's that flower - all red and prickly?
Ben: A Rose?
Marv: Yes! Yes! Rose! **Hey, Rose, hon!!! What was the name of that diner we went to?**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez23if/elderly_couples_are_socializing_over_tea_and/
%
I don't like haggis

It's offal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez225d/i_dont_like_haggis/
%
A doctor comes up to a man with some bad news, “I’m afraid you’re blind” the doctor says

After a long pause the man says in a sullen voice “...I see”
The doctor jumps up, throws his clipboard at the ground and shouts “STUPID FUCKING MEDICAL DEGREE DIDN’T TEACH ME SHIT”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez200p/a_doctor_comes_up_to_a_man_with_some_bad_news_im/
%
I wanted to go to china this week

But I think it’s better to let it die down a bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez1wp3/i_wanted_to_go_to_china_this_week/
%
What do you call an undead soldier that fights for Social Justice?

A Wight Knight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez1qbu/what_do_you_call_an_undead_soldier_that_fights/
%
Bernie walks up to Joe and whispers in his ear:

“My caucus bigger than yours.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez1ltd/bernie_walks_up_to_joe_and_whispers_in_his_ear/
%
If someone offered you $100 cause you're ugly, would you take it?

Hell yes, I'm ugly, not stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez1lh3/if_someone_offered_you_100_cause_youre_ugly_would/
%
My dad’s stroke destroyed half of his face

He’s terrible at golf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez1j7l/my_dads_stroke_destroyed_half_of_his_face/
%
Reddit was down this morning

Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez1j4i/reddit_was_down_this_morning/
%
Then new Coronavirus is spread through human to human transmission.

Guess that means Reddit won't see a decline in users.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez1e3d/then_new_coronavirus_is_spread_through_human_to/
%
I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez1df0/i_wasnt_the_only_one_in_my_house_who_was_offended/
%
There were three guys on a plane

The first guy takes a bite out of an apple and says its too sweet.  So he throws it out of the plane.
The second guy takes a bite out of a lemon and says its to sour. He also throws it out of the plane.
The third guy takes a bite of a grenade and says its too hard. So he too throws it out of the plane.
The guys land, and they’re walking around town.
They see a girl crying and ask her why shes crying
“An apple came down and killed my cat” she said
They walk some more and see a boy crying
He said “a lemon came down and killed my dog”
They then came across a kid laughing really hard.
He said “I farted and the guy behind me exploded”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez1avz/there_were_three_guys_on_a_plane/
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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez1aa3/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_going_down/
%
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”
“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Canada,” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”
“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada!”
The boy replied, “No kidding???? Who did she play for?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez165u/a_man_walked_into_the_produce_section_of_his/
%
Hello welcome to today’s Communist marathon...

On your Marx....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez10o6/hello_welcome_to_todays_communist_marathon/
%
Coronavirus arrives in the USA.

Mexico: So, about that wall......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez0sls/coronavirus_arrives_in_the_usa/
%
My dad works as a chiropractor and sees two patients at once.

Back to back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez0jf9/my_dad_works_as_a_chiropractor_and_sees_two/
%
[dad joke incoming] Why were the teenage melons sad?

Because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez0cnf/dad_joke_incoming_why_were_the_teenage_melons_sad/
%
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”

I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez0bgu/i_was_driving_on_the_highway_with_my_wife_and_she/
%
Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.”

Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez09ox/rush_limbaugh_i_have_lung_cancer/
%
Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez08l7/why_did_no_one_in_the_kings_court_laugh_when_the/
%
I was going to take a winter swim

But after wading in I got cold feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez07nk/i_was_going_to_take_a_winter_swim/
%
What do you call a custodian at the CIA?

A sweeper agent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez07bz/what_do_you_call_a_custodian_at_the_cia/
%
Stop posting jokes making fun of Homosexuality!

Cum on guys!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez0467/stop_posting_jokes_making_fun_of_homosexuality/
%
My wife opened my car door for me

It would have been a nice gesture if we weren't going 70mph.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ez00jk/my_wife_opened_my_car_door_for_me/
%
An employee who was being let go for poor performance asked his boss to help him out with a letter of recommendation

The boss didn't want to refuse, but he was too honest to lie. So he wrote:  "You will be very fortunate to get John to work for you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyzxor/an_employee_who_was_being_let_go_for_poor/
%
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet

He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyzxna/so_i_told_my_friend_that_this_guy_that_hosted_a/
%
I just invented a mathematical equation to solve climate change!

It’s an Al Gore ithm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyzwye/i_just_invented_a_mathematical_equation_to_solve/
%
What was Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

Wahtaaaaaaa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyzuxg/what_was_bruce_lees_favorite_drink/
%
Tin Soldiers

I once had a box of tin soldiers,
I’d often take them to bed,
I’d get bored of Generals and Colonels
And play with my Private’s instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyzufo/tin_soldiers/
%
Dentist: “This will hurt a little"

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyzsnt/dentist_this_will_hurt_a_little/
%
If pooping is “when nature calls”

is a fart a missed call?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyzpc2/if_pooping_is_when_nature_calls/
%
My dad dad taught me the meaning of plethora.

It really means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyzbjl/my_dad_dad_taught_me_the_meaning_of_plethora/
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limerick

there was a young lady from clyde
who ate a bad apple & died.
the apple fermented,
inside the lamented,
making cider inside her insides!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyyy4z/limerick/
%
I hate the stigma around mental health

Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyytu8/i_hate_the_stigma_around_mental_health/
%
Have you heard of the new color changing super hero?

Yea, people call him the Hue-Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyyqfo/have_you_heard_of_the_new_color_changing_super/
%
Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyypzk/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
%
The thief was an expert, left no fingerprints behind.

It was a stainless steal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyymf2/the_thief_was_an_expert_left_no_fingerprints/
%
Anal glaucoma

Guy : Hey boss. I need to take the day off.
Boss: Whats going on?
Guy: I think I have anal glaucoma
Boss: Anal glaucoma?
Guy: Yeah, I just cant see my ass coming in to work today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyyfmy/anal_glaucoma/
%
A new undertaker firm has started using glass coffins. Will they be accepted?

Remains to be seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyxel1/a_new_undertaker_firm_has_started_using_glass/
%
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of dogs and cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyx6to/when_single_ladies_get_to_the_age_of_50_they_tend/
%
I went to the bathroom on the way to catch a flight

All I could think was, I ain't got time for this shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyx3yb/i_went_to_the_bathroom_on_the_way_to_catch_a/
%
My girlfriend asked if I could stop singing Wonderwall to her...

... "I said maybe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eywzgq/my_girlfriend_asked_if_i_could_stop_singing/
%
What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

Fie fie fie, et tu et tu.
I made that joke up when I was 14 at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eywyt1/whats_shakespeares_phone_number/
%
I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp.

It beats telling them I'm a cashier at McDonald's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eywwmr/i_love_to_brag_to_people_on_how_i_handle/
%
My daughter came home from school screaming at me

"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eywgmm/my_daughter_came_home_from_school_screaming_at_me/
%
I've named the owl that flies near my home after our 45th President

Vladmir Hootin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eywfgh/ive_named_the_owl_that_flies_near_my_home_after/
%
Harry Potter woke up in the Hospital.

A bit confused Harry asked "where am I?"
Doctor: "why, you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"
"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself
slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eywf3i/harry_potter_woke_up_in_the_hospital/
%
Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound?

To make the Eschar go!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eywa9w/why_did_the_doctor_put_a_flesheating_snail_on_the/
%
How do you synthesize/summarise Dragon Ball into one word?

The answer is:   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyvx33/how_do_you_synthesizesummarise_dragon_ball_into/
%
Just found out my gf was cheating on me...

What’s worse is that she’s imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyvwar/just_found_out_my_gf_was_cheating_on_me/
%
Johnny

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.  He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyvo22/johnny/
%
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyv9wm/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
%
I just came back from a coworker's funeral who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball..

It was a lovely service..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyutg5/i_just_came_back_from_a_coworkers_funeral_who/
%
I got a six pack for my wife...

Best trade I ever made...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyusmp/i_got_a_six_pack_for_my_wife/
%
I recently took a poll

and found that 100% of the people were upset when the tent collapsed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyuscy/i_recently_took_a_poll/
%
Did you hear what happened to the kid who kept getting electrocuted?..

His dad finally grounded him
.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyurwh/did_you_hear_what_happened_to_the_kid_who_kept/
%
An elephant walks into a bar...

And is surprised to find a bartender not serving any drinks to anyone at the bar. Being a smart guy, the elephant went out and came back with a few of his fellow mates, and got a beer from the bartender. The other customers were surprised and asked how he did it.
The elephant replied: You need to make yourself herd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyup62/an_elephant_walks_into_a_bar/
%
China's manufacturing has halted but at least they can keep making...

the News.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyu93f/chinas_manufacturing_has_halted_but_at_least_they/
%
The tide will come in!

It did shore enough!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyu25l/the_tide_will_come_in/
%
A Colorado company has just given up on THC infused beef

They said the steaks were just too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eytxe6/a_colorado_company_has_just_given_up_on_thc/
%
I don't know why everyone had such a hard time finding Anne Frank.

When I went to Amsterdam, there was literally signs all over the place telling me where her house is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eytpmy/i_dont_know_why_everyone_had_such_a_hard_time/
%
An elderly married couple are at the doctor's, and he has some bad news.

"Mrs Smith," he says, "I'm afraid you have developed quite a serious heart murmur. In view of your age and frailty, I cannot recommend surgery. You still have several years left to you if you are careful to avoid excitement, and in particular, I have to emphasise that, if you have continued to be sexually active up to now, you are going to have to give all that up for good."
The stunned couple sit there in silence for a few moments, then Mr Smith squeezes his wife's hand and says "It's all right, honey. From now on I'll sleep on the couch so you can get plenty of rest at night." They thank the doctor and go home, and Mr Smith makes up a bed for himself on the couch and spends the next few nights sleeping on it.
Then a week or so after the doctor gave them the news, Mr Smith finds himself fretful and fidgety after going to bed, and quite unable to settle down. He sighs deeply and swings his feet to the floor, and heads for the stairs. As he reaches for the light switch, he hears a noise and the light comes up to reveal Mrs Smith halfway down the stairs in a filmy nightie.
"Darling!" he says. "Where on earth are you going?"
"It's all right, sweetheart," she says, dimpling slightly. "I was just coming down to commit suicide."
"Thank goodness!" says Mr Smith. "I was just coming up to murder you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eytmzw/an_elderly_married_couple_are_at_the_doctors_and/
%
So my girlfriend has been putting on weight. When I pointed it out she got all upset and told me I should support the "Big Girl Movement".

I'm really trying, but it's starting to hurt my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eytjkj/so_my_girlfriend_has_been_putting_on_weight_when/
%
A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eytice/a_mother_traveled_across_the_country_to_watch_her/
%
Why didn’t the Kansas City Chiefs go to meet the president at the White House?

They tried... Unfortunately, they went to the state of Washington...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eytg0q/why_didnt_the_kansas_city_chiefs_go_to_meet_the/
%
What did the squid say to the bagpipe?

I'd fuck you if I could get you out of those pajamas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyt29t/what_did_the_squid_say_to_the_bagpipe/
%
My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eysvu4/my_roommate_went_to_wuhan_and_all_i_got_was_this/
%
Alright, guys. It's that time of year again: I'm planning on taking my girlfriend out for Valentines Day

Can anyone recommend me a good girlfriend?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eystl1/alright_guys_its_that_time_of_year_again_im/
%
I hate Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eysre3/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eysr07/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
%
I'm such an introvert

That I keep a gun next to my bed to shoot myself when a thief enters my house just because I don't wanna go with the process of meeting him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eysdnx/im_such_an_introvert/
%
Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals

They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eys6ym/cops_have_a_hard_time_catching_fat_criminals/
%
Doctor: I'm going to deliver the baby

Couple: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eys2q8/doctor_im_going_to_deliver_the_baby/
%
What is the lifespan of an Owl ?

About 6.25 books.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eys1jr/what_is_the_lifespan_of_an_owl/
%
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack.

One says to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eys05n/two_hats_are_hanging_on_a_hat_rack/
%
Wanna hear a joke about sodium?

Na
Wanna hear a joke about Sodium Hypobromite?
NaBro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eys02s/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
Two engineering students were walking across campus...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike."
The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyryjs/two_engineering_students_were_walking_across/
%
Three priests are meeting to discuss how to manage church funds

Three priests are having a meeting and the topic of money comes up.  The question each has to answer is what is the best way to decide how much money goes back to God and how much money the priest keeps for himself.
The first priest says that he prefers to completely clear a large table and spread all the money on it evenly.  After that, he perfectly divides it in half - everything to the right goes back to God, and everything to the left goes to him.
The second priest says that he sits down and individually counts each dollar bill into two piles - everything to the right pile goes back to God, and everything to the left pile goes to him.
The third priest shrugs and says he prefers to throw all the money into the air - God can keep whatever he can grab, and everything that hits the ground goes to himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyriva/three_priests_are_meeting_to_discuss_how_to/
%
Vacation Plans

Billy  Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells  Luther,  "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation... only this  year  I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin' your   advice 'bout where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I   went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me   to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.  Last year you   suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyrep1/vacation_plans/
%
What can jellybeans do that guys can’t

Come in different flavors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyrdmx/what_can_jellybeans_do_that_guys_cant/
%
Want to hear a joke about airplanes?

Nevermind, that joke would just fly over your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyrbin/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_airplanes/
%
A ventriloquist cowboy finds an Indian tribe

and decides to play a trick on the Indian Chief. While the cowboy is talking to the chief, a dog walks up. The Cowboy says to the chief, "Do you mind if I talk to your dog?" The chief, with a puzzled look, agrees. The cowboy asked the dog if the chief takes good care of you and the cowboy, pretending to be the dog, says "Oh yes. The chief pets me and plays fetch." The chief is amazed.
A little later, they walk up on a horse. Again, the cowboy starts a conversation with the horse. The cowboy asked the horse "How's the Indian chief treatin ya?" and the cowboy starts talking for the horse. "Oh the chief if great. He brushes me and takes me on long rides." The chief is astounded. He had no idea he owned talking animals.
Some time later the cowboy and chief walk past a sheep pen. Cowboy says, "How does the chief treat you, sheep?" The chief interrupts the cowboy, "Sheep lie, sheep lie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyr8pn/a_ventriloquist_cowboy_finds_an_indian_tribe/
%
I was trying to explain what the world health organization was to my daughter.

She was like, “The who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyr2ij/i_was_trying_to_explain_what_the_world_health/
%
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyqsh6/i_just_saw_a_cashier_scan_the_eyes_of_a_rude/
%
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyqroi/whats_the_longest_word_in_the_dictionary/
%
Just watched the Netflix documentary on Chewbacca's porcelain talents...

It's called "Hairy Potter".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyqh3u/just_watched_the_netflix_documentary_on/
%
So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames.

Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyqatw/so_our_boss_just_banned_overly_specific_nicknames/
%
An old man and his wife get into a fight

It's late at night and an Old man man and his wife got into a bad fight, so the wife gets angry and takes her pillow and covers and goes to sleep in another room.
After some time passes they both get lonely and a bit horny but they are both too proud to apologize.
So the husband came up with a plan and started praying loudly from the bedroom.
"Please God make her comeback to me"
"Please God I miss my wife"
The wife hearing this walked into the their bedroom smirking and shouting "let me go God I don't want to get back to him".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyqal6/an_old_man_and_his_wife_get_into_a_fight/
%
A business owner needs an accountant to assist with his holdings.He finds a place that gets great reviews and heads over

. He goes inside and sees a small office with only two people inside. Closest to the door, is an attractive young woman with long hair, lots of makeup, and complicated nails and jewelry.
"Hi, I'm here to see the accountant." The business owner says.
She dismissively rolls her eyes and goes back to looking at something on her phone. So the man decides to press on. Towards the back of the office is a middle-aged man sitting at a desk covered in papers. The business owner walks up to him and tries again.
"Hi, I really need this balanced. I'm worried about my spending."
The other man smiles and takes the papers, looking them over cautiously.
The man turns to go and says, "Before I leave, I was just wondering about the profit margins. If I'm bringing in about 10k a week and am spending 17% of it on labor, how much should I expect to be able to put into my savings quarterly?"
The man at the desk gives him a look and stammers out an answer.
The business owner thinks about this for a second and says, "wait, that isn't correct at all."
The man at the desk laughs nervously. "Well, it's the thought that counts." The woman in the front overhears this and shakes her head while still focusing on her phone.
The business owner is taken a bit aback by this. But he tries to test the accountant's knowledge further.
"What about renovations? I've seen a notable uptick in customers recently, but I'm worried about the place not being up to snuff. How much would you think I could afford to invest into the place while still keeping the business afloat?"
The man behind the desk scrunches his face and goes back to thinking, before answering. The business owner is perplexed.
"That also doesn't sound correct."
The man behind the desk puts forth a strained laugh and says, more exasperated this time, "Well, it's the thought that counts." This time, the woman lets out an audible sign.
Not wanting this whole endeavor to be a bust, the business owner tries one more time.
"What about property taxes? What kind of increase would I be looking at based on those renovations, do you think?"
The man at the desk breaks into a sweat, thinks about it, and then blurts out an answer. The business owner has had enough.
"That's it, give me my information back! Your math is horrid! You have no clue what you're talking about and I'm going to take my business elsewhere!"
The man behind the desk loses it at this.
"LISTEN, BUDDY. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE YELLING AT ME! I'VE TOLD YOU REPEATEDLY NOW!" He immediately points at the woman near the entrance who is now looking up from her phone and staring straight at them. "IT'S THE THOT THAT COUNTS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyq9je/a_business_owner_needs_an_accountant_to_assist/
%
Why wouldn't you want a liar to explode?

Because he's full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyq5m4/why_wouldnt_you_want_a_liar_to_explode/
%
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:

Leave me the Fuh Cologne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eypqt6/im_developing_a_new_fragrance_for_introverts/
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I have a friend who is gifted at building enclosures for horses...

He's known as the "stable genius".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eypq2k/i_have_a_friend_who_is_gifted_at_building/
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What’s the best time to go to the dentist?

When it’s 2:30

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyppmf/whats_the_best_time_to_go_to_the_dentist/
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How many latinos does it take to change a lightbulb?

A brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eypje3/how_many_latinos_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Me : "Doctor Doctor, I feel like a deck of cards"

Doctor : "Sit down, I'll deal with you later"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eypcw6/me_doctor_doctor_i_feel_like_a_deck_of_cards/
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A Six walks into a bar

The bartender says, “we don’t serve your kind here”
The Six leaves and comes back whilst doing a handstand.
The bartender looks confused, “aren’t you the guy who was just in here?”
“Nein”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eypalu/a_six_walks_into_a_bar/
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I was asked whether I can perform under pressure at a job interview

I said "No but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyp5ca/i_was_asked_whether_i_can_perform_under_pressure/
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Recently started dating a chinese girl but not sure if I want to keep going.

She’s been raising a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyp4hj/recently_started_dating_a_chinese_girl_but_not/
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I think my parents were fans of Bob Ross

They keep calling me their happy little accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyp2tt/i_think_my_parents_were_fans_of_bob_ross/
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Two women were sitting quietly together...

minding their own business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyoti2/two_women_were_sitting_quietly_together/
%
I wish I had the sexual power of snow.

People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyot97/i_wish_i_had_the_sexual_power_of_snow/
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A study was made and 100 women were asked what body wash they prefered. 99% of them replied with:

Get the fuck out of my bathroom you pervert!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyoeyk/a_study_was_made_and_100_women_were_asked_what/
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How do you circumcise someone from Alabama?

Just kick his sister right in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyobg3/how_do_you_circumcise_someone_from_alabama/
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A woman has 3 daughters

Each of the daughters got married and one day, the woman wanted to test each of her son in laws.
On the first day, she brought her first son in law to a river and jumped in. Seeing this, the son in law jumps in to save her. The next day, he receives a car with a note: "Mummy loves you!"
The next day, she brought her second son in law to the same river and jumped in. Like the first son in law, he jumped in and saved her. The next day, he too receives a car with a note: " Mummy loves you!"
On the third day, she brings her last son in law to the river and jumps in. However, unlike the first two son in laws, he does not save her and lets her drown. The next day, he received a branded sports car with a note: "Daddy loves you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyo29f/a_woman_has_3_daughters/
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Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,"I'll have H2O, too."

The second man dies.
That's why you shouldn't repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eynw7v/two_men_walk_into_a_bar_one_man_orders_h2o_the/
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What is a dentists favorite number?

2th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyntff/what_is_a_dentists_favorite_number/
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Did you know that over 50% of Asians have Cataracts?

The rest drive Rincolns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eynrh2/did_you_know_that_over_50_of_asians_have_cataracts/
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What's drug junkie's favorite videogame?

Need for SPEED

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyngzi/whats_drug_junkies_favorite_videogame/
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Bribe...

A farmer consults a lawyer friend for his case. He had built a house in the plot of another farmer and now the other farmer has sued him, demanding the house demolished.
The lawyer calmly explains the farmer is in the wrong, he should not have built a house on another person's land. He advises the farmer should settle out of the court to cut his losses.
\- "What if I send a nice ram to the judge, as a gift" the farmer asks.
The lawyer laughs heartily. He explains he knows the judge, who's literally the symbol of justice in their local circle and the farmer would **definitely** lose the case if he ever tried to bribe the judge.
...
A couple months pass, the farmer revisits the lawyer friend to give the good news. He has won the case! The lawyer can't believe how such an obvious mistake the judge could make and queries further for more details.
\- "I sent the judge a ram as a gift", the farmer says laughing. "In my opponent's name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyng9n/bribe/
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What do you call a pastry made out of needles?

A porcupie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyne3c/what_do_you_call_a_pastry_made_out_of_needles/
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Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms...

...there will be mass confusion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyn56a/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
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A couple go to a bar during karaoke night...

and they hear a man sing to most beautiful cover of Stairway to Heaven they had ever heard. Since they were planning their wedding at this time, they approach the man after his performance.
"Wow, that was an amazing cover! Would you like to come perform at the reception of our wedding?" they ask him.
"I would love to! As a matter of fact, I'm a justice too, so I could even wed you two in the same day!" he replied.
So it was settled, and the man showed up to their wedding, and wed the two together. Everything was going just perfect until the reception... Ever song the man sang was just horrendous, he was off key in every verse, and at some points even forgot the lyrics. The moral of the story is, never book a judge by his cover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eymygf/a_couple_go_to_a_bar_during_karaoke_night/
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Why does the Sun have sunspots?

Because it caught a Corona virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eymnh0/why_does_the_sun_have_sunspots/
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NOTICE: Procrastinators meeting at 8 P.M. tonight



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eymlrl/notice_procrastinators_meeting_at_8_pm_tonight/
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What is it called when a Weaboo does a u turn?

A uwuey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eym7g8/what_is_it_called_when_a_weaboo_does_a_u_turn/
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eym5qo/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
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How many Canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to screw in the bulb, and 37 million to say, "Hey, that guy's Canadian!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eym5od/how_many_canadians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I've decided not to wear my glasses anymore.

I've seen enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eym2oz/ive_decided_not_to_wear_my_glasses_anymore/
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A monk joins a monastery...

...and he’s only allowed to say two words every ten years
After the first decade, he goes to the father to say his two words
Monk: “bed hard”
Father: “okay, I’ll make some changes”
Another decade goes by and the monk sees the father
Monk: “food bad”
Father: “okay, I’ll made some changes”
After a third decade, the monk sees the father again
Monk: “I quit”
Father: “good, because all you’ve done is bitch since you got here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eylyrw/a_monk_joins_a_monastery/
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How do you discipline a rock?

You hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eylp14/how_do_you_discipline_a_rock/
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(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eylkl6/apparently_i_said_this_joke_in_my_sleep_and_dont/
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eykwyt/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
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Dong. Ding Dong.

- James Bond's doorbell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyksxo/dong_ding_dong/
%
If Adam and Eve were Chinese

There would be no sin because they would have eaten the serpent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eykn1q/if_adam_and_eve_were_chinese/
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What do you call existentialist hip-hop music?

Angsta Rap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eykbs0/what_do_you_call_existentialist_hiphop_music/
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Marriage is like a deck of cards

In the beginning all you need are hearts and diamonds; in the end all you need is a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyjkno/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/
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What do you call a stoner that lives in a mountain?

A cave maaaan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyjfzi/what_do_you_call_a_stoner_that_lives_in_a_mountain/
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Still my favorite joke I ever made up :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyjb2k/still_my_favorite_joke_i_ever_made_up/
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What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink.

Liberty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyjan6/what_type_of_tea_does_uncle_sam_drink/
%
There are two best friends named Jimmy and Freddy...

...who love to do woodworking together in Freddy's garage.  One afternoon, Jimmy shows up at Freddy's house and discovers the butterfingers Freddy has cut his hand off with the circular saw.  Jimmy remembers something he read once, puts the hand in a bag on ice, and rushes his friend and hands it off to the hospital.
A week later he goes to visit and find Freddy has recovered nicely.  In fact, he is playing tennis using the hand he cut off!  "Wow," thinks Jimmy, "The marvels of modern medicine!"
Jimmy goes back to Freddy's house the following day and discovers the clumsy Freddy has now cut off his foot with the band saw.  Jimmy quickly puts the foot in a bag on ice, and legs his friend and the foot over to the hospital.
A week later he goes to visit and find Freddy has recovered nicely.  In fact, he is playing soccer using the foot he cut off!  "Wow," thinks Jimmy, "The marvels of modern medicine!"
Jimmy goes to Freddy's house again a week later, and find that idiot, Freddy, has now cut his entire head off with the chop saw!   Jimmy quickly puts the head in a bag on ice, and heads back to the hospital.
A week later he goes to visit and... Freddy's dead!  He finds a doctor and says "doctor, doctor!  What happened to my friend??"
"Well he would have been fine, but some idiot put his head in a bag, and he suffocated!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyiy7e/there_are_two_best_friends_named_jimmy_and_freddy/
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What do you call a headless potato

A decapitato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyiun5/what_do_you_call_a_headless_potato/
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What happened when the flu joined instagram?

She became an influenza!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyim8x/what_happened_when_the_flu_joined_instagram/
%
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?

Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyigyx/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_was_stepped_on/
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What did the sign say on the door of the whore house?

Beat it, we’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyifg8/what_did_the_sign_say_on_the_door_of_the_whore/
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Ted Bundy: Hey, you got any ice cream in the freezer ?

Jeffery Dahmer: Nah man, only Ben and Jerry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyid3x/ted_bundy_hey_you_got_any_ice_cream_in_the_freezer/
%
Why do professional bowlers receive more kisses than anyone else?

Because they've got the most Xs by their name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyiaox/why_do_professional_bowlers_receive_more_kisses/
%
My neighbor speaks to her cat as if it could understand her.

I told my dog and we both had a laugh about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyi9zn/my_neighbor_speaks_to_her_cat_as_if_it_could/
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What do you get when you cross a cat and a scientist?

Nobody knows, we haven't opened the box yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyi8nz/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cat_and_a/
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Condoms are like ear muffs.

They prevent a lot of noise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyi80g/condoms_are_like_ear_muffs/
%
I once knew a lumberjack with a Ph.D

He was a smart feller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyi3ie/i_once_knew_a_lumberjack_with_a_phd/
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A musical Joke

My Goldfish are named Major, Minor, Dorian, Lydian and Diminished. The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyht0c/a_musical_joke/
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I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyhpbm/i_dont_know_why_everyone_is_saying_cats_the_movie/
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I saw a guy out praying today

I listened close and overhead what he was saying: "Father, I approach thee in prayer today. Jugular, brachial, superior vena cava, renal, jugular..."
I stopped him right there and said "HEY! No vein repetitions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyho06/i_saw_a_guy_out_praying_today/
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My mother in law said she wanted to die a natural death.

So I've just dropped her off at the jungle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyhnh6/my_mother_in_law_said_she_wanted_to_die_a_natural/
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A flash flood warning is broadcasted. The streets fill with water, and people begin to evacuate—except for one Catholic woman.

She stays in her home and prays. A bus pulls up to her house, and the driver urges her to get out, but she replies, “No. God will save me.” The bus driver reluctantly pulls away.
Water begins pooling into her house, and she calmly rises to the second floor.
Through the window, she sees a rowboat approaching. One of its occupants yells through a megaphone that she has to get out of there, but once again she refuses. “No. God will save me.” The boat sails away.
The water rises even more, and the woman has to climb out the window on to the roof. A helicopter flies overhead and lowers down a rope ladder. Once again, she is urged to evacuate. However, the woman will not be convinced. “NO! GOD WILL SAVE ME!” After several minutes, the pilot’s efforts prove futile, and he has no choice but to fly away.
But the water doesn’t stop rising, and the woman is encased in water. Everything fades away into darkness.
The woman’s eyes flicker open, and she finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with God in front of her. She falls prostrate before Him and cries, “I...I had my faith in you all this time...why didn’t you save me???”
To which God replies, “What in My name are you talking about? I sent you a bus, a boat, AND a helicopter!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyhg47/a_flash_flood_warning_is_broadcasted_the_streets/
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Did you hear about the family of chickpeas that were killed while eating dinner last night?

It was ruled a hummicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyhb7u/did_you_hear_about_the_family_of_chickpeas_that/
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In my free time I like to help blind people

That’s an verb not an adjective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyh7eq/in_my_free_time_i_like_to_help_blind_people/
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What do you call a detective electrician?

Sherlock Ohms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyh6e3/what_do_you_call_a_detective_electrician/
%
Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year.

Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyh3xw/exactly_2417529_people_in_nyc_got_married_last/
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What do you call a mature dad joke?

Fully groan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyggwn/what_do_you_call_a_mature_dad_joke/
%
My ex is going thru a hard time so I decided to send her a food package care package...

Fed Ex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyg1ka/my_ex_is_going_thru_a_hard_time_so_i_decided_to/
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Living on earth is expensive..

but atleast you get a free trip around the sun each year..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyg0za/living_on_earth_is_expensive/
%
I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but he got upset due to the image being too blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyfxzm/i_have_a_friend_who_tried_to_take_a_selfie_in_the/
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A young man gathers his courage and decides to come out as being gay to his mother and father

They're both reasonably shocked, but are very supportive. They assure him that they still love him, and wish he'd told them sooner.
Everything seems to be going great, until the father poses a question to his son that makes the young man really think.
"How are you going to focus on college if you're spending all your time being a moderator on Reddit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyfxqf/a_young_man_gathers_his_courage_and_decides_to/
%
What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyfx6x/what_did_0_say_to_8/
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2 dogs walk into a bar...

One dog bumped into the other and he replied,
“Hey buddy, get your paws off me. If you want to get ruff we can settle this in the barking lot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyfrji/2_dogs_walk_into_a_bar/
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I tried opening a bag of Lays, but it exploded on me.

Now I've got a chip on my shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyfqrn/i_tried_opening_a_bag_of_lays_but_it_exploded_on/
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Why are there more doctors in China now?

They're Kung Flu fighting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyfflu/why_are_there_more_doctors_in_china_now/
%
Why are gay people bad at math?

Because they can't multiply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyfcwh/why_are_gay_people_bad_at_math/
%
My girlfriend's sister invited me over to her house to watch The Matrix.

I think I dodged a bullet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyf8du/my_girlfriends_sister_invited_me_over_to_her/
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I'm a big supporter of the lazynesss movement.

You could say I'm, pro-crastinator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyf1jh/im_a_big_supporter_of_the_lazynesss_movement/
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What’s the perfect gift for a weightlifter? A t-shirt, and don’t worry about the size....

if it’s too large they’ll be flattered, if it’s too small they’ll wear it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyewp9/whats_the_perfect_gift_for_a_weightlifter_a/
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What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase?

Man, he petty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyeve2/what_did_one_nail_technician_say_to_the_other/
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I have 6 bottles in one hand and 5 bottles In the other. what do i have?

A drinking problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyernz/i_have_6_bottles_in_one_hand_and_5_bottles_in_the/
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What does an Italian chef make in a Chinese restaurant?

Ciao Mein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyein9/what_does_an_italian_chef_make_in_a_chinese/
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What do The Beatles and the San Francisco 49ers have in common?

Neither performed at the Super Bowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyefod/what_do_the_beatles_and_the_san_francisco_49ers/
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What dating app do chickens use?

Tender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyeaa6/what_dating_app_do_chickens_use/
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[OC] What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?
One is a tectonic plate and the other is platonic tech

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eydxsz/oc_whats_the_difference_between_a_fault_line_and/
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Contrary to your body not feeling good while you are sick, your nose must feel the best ever.

Because it keeps on running.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eydvk3/contrary_to_your_body_not_feeling_good_while_you/
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I still remember my grandfather’s favourite saying: “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eydveo/i_still_remember_my_grandfathers_favourite_saying/
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Caitlyn Jenner: *goes through with transition*

Doctor: Would you ever do that again
Caitlyn: No
Doctor: why
Caitlyn: I Don’t have the balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eydgoc/caitlyn_jenner_goes_through_with_transition/
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The sound of a musician on the stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

The sound of a pigeon on a stage doesn't. The reason is a coo sticks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eydfvr/the_sound_of_a_musician_on_the_stage_bounces_off/
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If you're just starting out in porn, observe the way the experts use the heads of their penises.

That's a pro tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyddkc/if_youre_just_starting_out_in_porn_observe_the/
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Does anyone know how to overcome shyness and blame shifting?

Asking for a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyd824/does_anyone_know_how_to_overcome_shyness_and/
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On a ship, the best poems don’t come from the heart

they come from the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyd0p7/on_a_ship_the_best_poems_dont_come_from_the_heart/
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Poets are like terms of service contracts

They use many words and elaborate eloquent language to describe how they are going to fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eycxvy/poets_are_like_terms_of_service_contracts/
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My neighbor leave his sprinkler running constantly sometimes days at a time..

It's really irrigating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eycwek/my_neighbor_leave_his_sprinkler_running/
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Just got into a fight with 4 guys.

I managed to knock one out.
With hindsight, it probably wasn't the best time to have a wank, if I'm honest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eycoys/just_got_into_a_fight_with_4_guys/
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If anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges,

my door's always open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eycf13/if_anyone_knows_how_to_fix_some_broken_hinges/
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Ventriloquist: yeah I do ventriloquism

Me: how good are you?
Me: the best
Me: wtf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyc6x4/ventriloquist_yeah_i_do_ventriloquism/
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The lights in my house just went out, so I have to call an electrician....

I am unable to deal with the current situation..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyc0s0/the_lights_in_my_house_just_went_out_so_i_have_to/
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None of my friends wanted to go to the masturbation convention with me.

So I came by myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eybseh/none_of_my_friends_wanted_to_go_to_the/
%
Why did the bike fall over?

It was two tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eybs3h/why_did_the_bike_fall_over/
%
How is giving oral sex like being in the mafia?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eybcod/how_is_giving_oral_sex_like_being_in_the_mafia/
%
Who ate all the noodles in ancient egypt?

King Tootin'ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eybao2/who_ate_all_the_noodles_in_ancient_egypt/
%
I went to the Air and Space museum...

It was an empty building....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyauhj/i_went_to_the_air_and_space_museum/
%
what do you call it when a small bug doesn't wanna pay to get into heaven?

a protestAnt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyatsa/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_small_bug_doesnt_wanna/
%
A burglar stole all my lamps...

I should be upset, but I am delighted..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyatpl/a_burglar_stole_all_my_lamps/
%
I was mugged today! They stole my mood ring.

I’m not sure how I feel about the whole situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyasx9/i_was_mugged_today_they_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
My doctor said I had chronic constipation.

To be honest, I couldn’t give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyanyw/my_doctor_said_i_had_chronic_constipation/
%
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyam9t/twenty_years_from_now_kids_are_gonna_think_baby/
%
What did dinosaurs have that no other animal has?

Baby dinosaurs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyak85/what_did_dinosaurs_have_that_no_other_animal_has/
%
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyafxq/the_only_two_white_actors_in_black_panther_are/
%
Why are men smart but women are talkative?

Because men have 2 heads while women have 4 lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyac9c/why_are_men_smart_but_women_are_talkative/
%
80% of the married men don't know why their wife is angry.

The other 20% don't even know their wife is angry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyabs4/80_of_the_married_men_dont_know_why_their_wife_is/
%
Some last names originate from what the family did in the past...

Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eyaa2n/some_last_names_originate_from_what_the_family/
%
My wife asked for help, she said she was drawing a blank.

I told her to turn the pencil around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eya5uc/my_wife_asked_for_help_she_said_she_was_drawing_a/
%
Because it’s upside down

Why is this joke Australian?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eya45w/because_its_upside_down/
%
What do you call a duck that can see the future?

Clairbuoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey9v95/what_do_you_call_a_duck_that_can_see_the_future/
%
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey9uss/police_why_didnt_you_report_your_stolen_credit/
%
The doctor said I had 3 months.

So I shot him and the judge gave me 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey9j6p/the_doctor_said_i_had_3_months/
%
Why did the lumberjack get fired for cutting down too many trees?

He saw too much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey9ig0/why_did_the_lumberjack_get_fired_for_cutting_down/
%
Girls in Thailand are like a box of random chocolates

You never know which one has nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey9hti/girls_in_thailand_are_like_a_box_of_random/
%
I recently installed a phone in my bathroom.

Now I can shit-talk my friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey9ds3/i_recently_installed_a_phone_in_my_bathroom/
%
I never really got school shooter jokes,

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey9doh/i_never_really_got_school_shooter_jokes/
%
"I just urinated on a pregnancy test," said my girlfriend. "I'm pregnant."

"Are you going to keep it?" I asked.
She said, "No, it stinks like wee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey8xxz/i_just_urinated_on_a_pregnancy_test_said_my/
%
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him,

“What’s the word on the street?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey8uiz/yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_spill_all_his_scrabble/
%
I was asked What's the best thing about Switzerland

I replied well the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey8tvy/i_was_asked_whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
Ever since I was diagnosed with dyscalculia, I don’t trust anyone anymore.

I can’t count on anybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey8s7n/ever_since_i_was_diagnosed_with_dyscalculia_i/
%
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a Christmas candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're Jingle Bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey8rv8/three_men_died_on_christmas_eve_and_were_met_by/
%
A group of friends decide to use an Ouija board

So they set up and start asking questions.
“Is there anyone here?”
The planchette moves to yes.
“How did you die?”
The planchette spells out a sentence.
I-W-A-S-K-I-S-S-E-D.
The friends look at each other, confused. “You were... kissed?!”
The planchette moves again.
A-U-T-O-C-O-R-R-E-C-T.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey8a62/a_group_of_friends_decide_to_use_an_ouija_board/
%
I finally had an entire set of amiibos, except for one Zelda character.

It was my missing link

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey89z0/i_finally_had_an_entire_set_of_amiibos_except_for/
%
I had a tennis ball that was addicted to heroin

But he bounced back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey891r/i_had_a_tennis_ball_that_was_addicted_to_heroin/
%
I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.

So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey864p/i_was_bored_and_hit_my_nokia_with_a_hammer_it/
%
Dad, what are mixed feelings?

Johnny asked his father. "Dad, what are ‘mixed feelings". Johnny's dad thinks for a while before replying " It is like when I lent your car to my mother-in-law, and she falls down a cliff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey85tj/dad_what_are_mixed_feelings/
%
Do you know how to turn your tongue into a superhero?

You just bite it real hard. It will become Thor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey82kd/do_you_know_how_to_turn_your_tongue_into_a/
%
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey802i/three_handsome_male_dogs_are_walking_down_the/
%
A man saw a sign on a farm: Talking dog for sale

He asks the farmer where the dog is.
Out back.
The man goes up to the dog, in his doghouse and says, hey what's your story?
The dog speaks:  Well, as soon as I found out I could talk I wanted to be of service to my country.  So I went to the CIA. They placed me as a spy in foreign countries and I brought them back tons of intel. You'd be surprised what people will talk about when there's only a dog in the room.  After a few years of that I got tired of living abroad, so I came back to the US got hired by the FBI and busted up drug and human trafficking rings.  Same deal.  I'd bring back intel about what plans the criminals had and the FBI would make arrests.  Well after a few more years of that I really got tired of the jet set life, so I came to live on this farm, and had a bunch of kids.
Wow that's an amazing story, says the man.
He goes in to talk to the farmer.
Hey how much you want for that dog?
The farmer says, pffft...five bucks.
Five bucks, that's it?  Why so little?
Man, that dog's a liar, he's never done any of those things!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey7wtt/a_man_saw_a_sign_on_a_farm_talking_dog_for_sale/
%
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?

She’s definitely plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey7obz/why_should_you_worry_about_the_math_teacher/
%
I once had a pet fish that could breakdance on the carpet

He died doing what he loved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey7lzu/i_once_had_a_pet_fish_that_could_breakdance_on/
%
I prepared a surprise dinner for my GF to teach her about different kind of spices

She doesn't know what's cumin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey7j33/i_prepared_a_surprise_dinner_for_my_gf_to_teach/
%
A Brazilian man in Mexico doesn't know why the U.S. deported him there.

Can you imagine Hispanic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey7id0/a_brazilian_man_in_mexico_doesnt_know_why_the_us/
%
What's the corniest part of the cornfield?

the corner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey7i7a/whats_the_corniest_part_of_the_cornfield/
%
What do you have when you get an infection from coloring?

The Crayonovirus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey7axn/what_do_you_have_when_you_get_an_infection_from/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline is a parent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey741p/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
What do you call a sith lord who gets high all the time?

Ele-Vader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey71cg/what_do_you_call_a_sith_lord_who_gets_high_all/
%
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack.

One says to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey6yw5/two_hats_are_hanging_on_a_hat_rack/
%
A skeleton walks into a bar

He asks for a beer and a mop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey6hnf/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?

Because he couldn’t find a date!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey68n0/why_did_the_tomato_go_out_with_a_prune/
%
Did you know that the Pentagon was originally supposed to be an Octagon?

It’s true, but the contractor just kept cutting corners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey670b/did_you_know_that_the_pentagon_was_originally/
%
A wife says to her husband..."I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear"

To which the husband replies:
"kitchen, bathroom, livingroom".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey647d/a_wife_says_to_her_husbandi_want_you_to_whisper/
%
I have been asking everyone what a shrug means..

But donno why nobody has a clue..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey5tgy/i_have_been_asking_everyone_what_a_shrug_means/
%
A man comes home after a long day at work...

He walks up to his bedroom and noticed next to the feet of his wife under the sheets, there are another pair of legs.
Out of anger he picks up his metal bat and viciously murders his wife and her lover.
As he was fleeing the scene, he found his wife sleeping on the couch.
She got startled and woke up.
She looked at him and said:
“Honey, we have too sleep in the living room for a few nights. My parents are visiting town”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey5hyn/a_man_comes_home_after_a_long_day_at_work/
%
What idiot called it "The Corona Virus"

When they missed a oppertunity to call it "The Kung Flu"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey5eyy/what_idiot_called_it_the_corona_virus/
%
Rick Astley will lend you any of his pixar movies except one.

He's never gonna give you Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey4wah/rick_astley_will_lend_you_any_of_his_pixar_movies/
%
A kiss can make your day

But anal will make your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey4u7l/a_kiss_can_make_your_day/
%
When a girl buys a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun

BUT when a guy orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, hes called a pervert?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey497h/when_a_girl_buys_a_vibrator_its_seen_as_a_bit_of/
%
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey46jr/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
What do you call an unhealthy glow on your face after a week long cocaine bender?

Charlie Sheen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey40oy/what_do_you_call_an_unhealthy_glow_on_your_face/
%
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.

I know, because I kept a log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey3uo3/in_my_career_as_a_lumberjack_i_cut_down_exactly/
%
I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me

put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey34ir/i_was_checking_out_at_tesco_today_when_i_noticed/
%
The Office..

My boss called this morning and shouted,
“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.”
“Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied.
“Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.”
So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey30n7/the_office/
%
I went to the bakery and asked for Emo Cake...

Baker: Emo cake? Whats that?
Me: It's cake that cuts itself...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey2y9v/i_went_to_the_bakery_and_asked_for_emo_cake/
%
which TV/movie character can use the power of the force and the power of potassium?

Bananakin Skywalker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey2wap/which_tvmovie_character_can_use_the_power_of_the/
%
Why was Dr.frankinstine banned from the convention center?

He vastly misunderstood what a body building competition was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey2knl/why_was_drfrankinstine_banned_from_the_convention/
%
Not everyone can steal a tree

But some just maple it off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey22o9/not_everyone_can_steal_a_tree/
%
Legs in Japanese cartoons are cool

I just love anime shins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey201g/legs_in_japanese_cartoons_are_cool/
%
Halloween Joke

A little boy with a speach impediment went out trick or treating, and about half way through the night, he came upon an old lady's house.
Boy: Twick err Tweet
Old lady: Oh Goodness, a Pirate!! But, where are your buccaneers?
Boy: with a really confused look, points to his ears and says  "right here Lady... What's wrong with your buccan eyes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey1z37/halloween_joke/
%
Man walks into a bar on the roof of the Time Warner Center

After a few drinks he looks across at the second tower with awe, and notices a gentleman with black glasses doing the same. "Pretty cool, huh?" He says to him.
"Oh, you don't know the half of it...Did you know they specifically engineered these buildings to catch the wind and create an updraft between the buildings strong enough to actually put an attempted suicide jumper back up on the roof here?"
"Uh, what? I call bullshit. That can't be possible." The half drunk man says.
"Buy me a beer and I'll show you". The farsighted gentleman says.
The man calls his bluff and buys another round. The gentleman in glasses walks out the edge, waits a few seconds, leans forward, and takes the dive face first.
"Noooo!" The man screems, thinking he's just bought a man his last drink, enabling his suicide. But, before he can even approach the ledge, the gentleman with black glasses is flying backward back up and lands clumsily on his feet, safely on the roof.
"That's fucking amazing!!!" The drunkard shouts in joy. "What's the secret?!"
"One more round and I'll tell you." After a shot, the gentleman in glasses confesses there is no secret, just spread your arms like a suicide jumper. "It's almost fool-proof" he says. "As long as there's wind."
The drunkard is so enamored with the spectacle, he has to try. So, he shakily approaches the ledge, takes his time making sure the wind is as strong as before and leans in.
Down he goes. Down he goes.
Thud.
Man in the glasses sits back down to order another, and the bartender says "Damnit Superman, you really are an asshole when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey1j5q/man_walks_into_a_bar_on_the_roof_of_the_time/
%
[NSFW] A rooster sees a cat fall in a pool and starts laughing hysterically.

What's the moral of the story?
A wet pussy makes a happy cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey1gzu/nsfw_a_rooster_sees_a_cat_fall_in_a_pool_and/
%
I was just told I should not steal other people's jokes

I never new...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey17th/i_was_just_told_i_should_not_steal_other_peoples/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backwards to enter the ocean?

If they fell forward they would just fall into the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey138l/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_to_enter_the/
%
A naked lady walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey

He slowly pours her a drink while he stares her up and down, from head to toe. The lady then asks for another shot of whiskey. The bartender continues to look at her intently. Annoyed, the lady says to him, what’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before? The bartender responds, of course I have. I’m just wondering where you’re keeping the money to pay for the drinks. She spreads her legs, and says “Will this be good as payment?”
The bartender responds “Do you have anything smaller?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey11ot/a_naked_lady_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the/
%
Corona didn’t need an ad in the Super Bowl for their beer.

It’s already gone viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey1007/corona_didnt_need_an_ad_in_the_super_bowl_for/
%
I've always wanted to be a Juggler.

I just don't have the balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey0yr9/ive_always_wanted_to_be_a_juggler/
%
Congratulation Chiefs . . .

. . . The best Super Bowl I have seen this year, heck, this decade!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey0lza/congratulation_chiefs/
%
How is working at McDonald's like being an archaeologist in Athens?

You end up smelling like ancient grease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey0l80/how_is_working_at_mcdonalds_like_being_an/
%
It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:
“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”
The man looked at Saint Peter and said
“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed! I looked all over the apartment but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.”
Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in.
Another man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died.
“Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!”
Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates.
Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him:
“Tell me about the day you died”
“Oh man Saint Peter you’re never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this...I’m butt naked hiding in a refrigerator...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey0fj8/it_was_getting_crowded_in_heaven_one_day_so_saint/
%
Dad Joke of the Day

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey0dvj/dad_joke_of_the_day/
%
Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey0btj/why_did_the_picture_go_to_jail/
%
I'm like an iPhone

I lose energy without doing nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey07vs/im_like_an_iphone/
%
A man goes fishing every Saturday without fail.

He Wakes up Saturday morning at 6 am, gives his wife a kiss and says goodbye, makes a flask of tea and sandwiches and puts his fishing gear into the car, then of he drives to the lake.
One Saturday morning he awakes at 6 am, kisses his wife and says goodbye, makes his tea and sandwiches, pops his fishing gear into the car and opens up his garage.
To his suprise it is absolutely pissing it down, but he isn't going to let a bit of rain stop him, so he continues to the lake. The wind is so strong he's stuggling to even drive. So for the first time in years he decides to turn back for home. Parks up in the garage and returns to bed. He says to his wife.
"the weather is absolutely awful out there"
The wife replys with "yeah I know, my husbands out fishing in that shit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ey03tr/a_man_goes_fishing_every_saturday_without_fail/
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exzzpw/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
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I hate jokes about German sausages.....

They're the wurst!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exzyxc/i_hate_jokes_about_german_sausages/
%
A man goes to church for the first time...

When the service was over, the preacher greeted him at the back doors.
“Preacher, that was a damn fine sermon” the man said.
“Oh my”, said the preacher “we don’t use that kind of language in church”.
“I’m sorry” said the man-“I’m new to church and I’m not really sure what to do. As a matter of fact, when the collection plate came by, I just threw in $100.”
“The hell you did!” said the preacher..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exzj52/a_man_goes_to_church_for_the_first_time/
%
My friends and I started a band called Duvet recently

We only do covers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exze6a/my_friends_and_i_started_a_band_called_duvet/
%
The reactions to the half time show are pretty mixed. I've seen some people say it was the best since Prince and some people say it's the worst since Coldplay. Others have said it was complete ass.

It’s hard to tell what they think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exzbdu/the_reactions_to_the_half_time_show_are_pretty/
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My wife laughed when I said I had the body of a 20 year old

Then she looked in the freezer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exzacm/my_wife_laughed_when_i_said_i_had_the_body_of_a/
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What do you call a fight between an immigrant and a priest ?

Alien Vs. Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exz53x/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_an_immigrant_and/
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What do you give the man who has everything?

Antibiotics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exyzxj/what_do_you_give_the_man_who_has_everything/
%
What do you call a female butler

A butless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exyvpy/what_do_you_call_a_female_butler/
%
At the secondhand store

Pirates can get ear piercing done for a buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exys9r/at_the_secondhand_store/
%
Me and the girlfriend were sitting on the couch

With my cell phone in my hand and her watching her show. I asked her if she could get me a beer and she said no. Then her cell phone rang in the kitchen and she quickly got up to see what it was. My message said while you're in the kitchen can you get me a beer. I don't remember the rest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exyqoo/me_and_the_girlfriend_were_sitting_on_the_couch/
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What do you call a joke in between two slides of bread?

What do you call a joke in between two slices of bread?
Cheesy
My friend came up with this, and to my knowledge it isn't anywhere else on the internet. Its very cringey but i digress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exyplg/what_do_you_call_a_joke_in_between_two_slides_of/
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I was watching the Super Bowl at my friends house when my real estate agent called me...

Told me some of my property had burned down.
In both cases, Mahomes' on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exyjna/i_was_watching_the_super_bowl_at_my_friends_house/
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I found a way to make my penis 6 inches long....

Fold it in half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exyh7i/i_found_a_way_to_make_my_penis_6_inches_long/
%
The prophecy class is cancelled...

Due to unforeseen circumstances

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exygta/the_prophecy_class_is_cancelled/
%
My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exygh2/my_wife_was_disappointed_to_find_out_why_my/
%
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exybny/a_mexican_man_who_spoke_no_english_went_into_a/
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The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The customer is visibly impressed. He then notices something else. He asks "Is that the same reason you have a ketchup bottle in your apron?" The waiter says "Exactly!" The customer says "One last question. Why is there a string coming out of your fly?" The waiter explains "That string is tied to my penis. When i go pee, i just have to unzip and then give it a tug. That way, i save valuable time not having to wash my hands." The customer says "I see. But how do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exxxah/the_spoon_in_a_waiters_pocket_catches_the/
%
Why is this site named Reddit?

Because the other site really Blueit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exxu50/why_is_this_site_named_reddit/
%
Why was 10 scared?

It was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exxksp/why_was_10_scared/
%
I had an important essay on the relation between Occam's razor, Red Herrings and Chekhov's gun...

...my teacher wasn't happy it was late and I just wrote "Will keep this simple, avoid obvious distractions and later it will be done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exxk4d/i_had_an_important_essay_on_the_relation_between/
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Why are clocks not good to eat in a rush?

It is very time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exxj6f/why_are_clocks_not_good_to_eat_in_a_rush/
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Therapy

Me: "I'm afraid of random letters"
Therapist: "You are?"
Me: *Screams*
Therapist: [confused pause] "Oh, I see"
Me: *Screaming intensifies*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exxcwd/therapy/
%
I once fucked a blind woman

She never saw me coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exx9an/i_once_fucked_a_blind_woman/
%
My cat some how got on the roof yesterday. He was too heavy and caused 1/4 of it to fall down.

Oof.
Then he fell down perfectly onto the couch, causing 1/5 of it to collapse.
Ouch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exwz6n/my_cat_some_how_got_on_the_roof_yesterday_he_was/
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Where do pirates get their hooks?

The second hand store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exw8sn/where_do_pirates_get_their_hooks/
%
A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work"...

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work".
The doctor had a thorough examination and was amazed.
"I've never seen anything like this" he said. "You can't have sex, you couldn't give birth, and it doesn't look like you can even use it for the toilet. Can I get a colleague in to have a look?"
The woman agreed, and the doctor brought in a senior gynaecologist. He examined her too, and was equally stumped.
"You can't do anything with your vagina!" he exclaimed. "Can I call in a colleague?"
The woman agreed, and a specialist surgeon visited. He was also baffled.
"Well, your vagina seems completely non-operational" he said. "But we can actually remove it and fit you with a prosthetic, which will be indistinguishable from a real one"
The woman agreed, and the operation went ahead that night. Her non-functioning vagina was taken out, and a prosethic one fitted.
The woman recovered well, and went on to love a long and happy life.
As for the vagina, it went on to get matched with me in every Overwatch quick play with all the other useless cunts! Fucking HEAL for Christ's sake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exw3o4/a_woman_went_to_the_doctor_and_said_im_not_sure/
%
What's the difference between English tea and the English football team?

You can find English tea in a cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exvx9v/whats_the_difference_between_english_tea_and_the/
%
What's the difference between a tuna and a piano?

You can't mistake a dolphin for a piano.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exvryz/whats_the_difference_between_a_tuna_and_a_piano/
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What’s the difference between philosophy and eyeballing a picture of a rock?

One’s ideology, the other’s eyed-geology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exvpyo/whats_the_difference_between_philosophy_and/
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Dataminer? Thats illegal

They are too young to date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exvdbw/dataminer_thats_illegal/
%
Hey girl do you have monkey wrench eyes?

Because every time you look at me I feel my nuts get a little tighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exvcuj/hey_girl_do_you_have_monkey_wrench_eyes/
%
What do you say when you give drugs to a steer?

The steaks are high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exvcgs/what_do_you_say_when_you_give_drugs_to_a_steer/
%
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me

I was like, "What the Hellmann?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exvaw4/somebody_just_threw_a_jar_of_mayonnaise_at_me/
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I'm a big fan of the Beatles, in particular Paul McCartney.

I made an account on the official Beatles website and made my profile picture an album of Paul McCartney throughout the years. However an admin told me I was going to be banned, I asked why and was shown the list of rules and the first was "Users are not allowed multipaul accounts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exv8gx/im_a_big_fan_of_the_beatles_in_particular_paul/
%
Why don't vampires bet on horses?

They can't handle the stakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exv4bl/why_dont_vampires_bet_on_horses/
%
What is a Sith's favourite brand of vodka?

*Absolut*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exv4ai/what_is_a_siths_favourite_brand_of_vodka/
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For a good time go bowling

A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exv2h4/for_a_good_time_go_bowling/
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Saddam and little miss muffet

What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet got in common?
They both had Kurds in their whey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exuw33/saddam_and_little_miss_muffet/
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50th Birthday Card

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ti me: "You know, one would have been enough"
My older sister told me this joke and i chuckled against my free will. I hope you do too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exukpo/50th_birthday_card/
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My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together. But I could not open the file ..

I have trouble with emotional attachments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exu43h/my_wife_emailed_me_a_photo_of_our_first_date/
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What did the mathematician order at the Spanish restaurant?

A  π-ella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/extvag/what_did_the_mathematician_order_at_the_spanish/
%
NSFW: I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation meeting...

So I just came in my pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exttzd/nsfw_i_didnt_know_what_to_wear_to_my_premature/
%
My friend wanted to take me to his basement to show off his collection of obscure films

Weird flicks but okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exttme/my_friend_wanted_to_take_me_to_his_basement_to/
%
How do trees access the internet?

They log in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/extt48/how_do_trees_access_the_internet/
%
How does God make money off his followers?

By making a prophet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/extmh0/how_does_god_make_money_off_his_followers/
%
They're serving mystery meat at the cafeteria in the physics lab again.

I've been asking what the main ingredient they put in their heisenburgers was, and nobody knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/extk7z/theyre_serving_mystery_meat_at_the_cafeteria_in/
%
I‘ve been trying to open the bra of my girlfriend for 20 minutes now...

I wish I had never put it on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exsr4d/ive_been_trying_to_open_the_bra_of_my_girlfriend/
%
Thieves stole a truck full of viagra this morning...

Police have asked the public to keep an eye out for *hardened criminals*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exsk35/thieves_stole_a_truck_full_of_viagra_this_morning/
%
What do American beer and sex in a canoe have in common?

They’re both fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exse1s/what_do_american_beer_and_sex_in_a_canoe_have_in/
%
Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing intricate shopping malls?

He had a complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exscch/did_you_hear_about_the_architect_who_had_an/
%
I just saw a council worker squash a Snail under his boot.

I asked him "what the fuck did you do that for?"
He replied "I'm sick to death of him following me around all day".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exsapq/i_just_saw_a_council_worker_squash_a_snail_under/
%
Speech is like girls Skirt.

If it is too long, people don't take interest in it, if it's short, it will fail to cover the subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exs56k/speech_is_like_girls_skirt/
%
What do you call an emo accapello group?

Self Harmony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exs445/what_do_you_call_an_emo_accapello_group/
%
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."
Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"
God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone"
The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exry6e/a_jfk_conspiracy_theorist_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
Anyone know any new Groundhogs Day jokes?

I keep hearing the same ones over and over and over again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exrxa6/anyone_know_any_new_groundhogs_day_jokes/
%
My teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships

Apparently 1080p full hd wasn't the answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exrw3a/my_teacher_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
%
What do you call a gun after you shoot it?

A shotgun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exrumt/what_do_you_call_a_gun_after_you_shoot_it/
%
Why do vegans give amazing head?

They love milking nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exrn6u/why_do_vegans_give_amazing_head/
%
Husband: Tell me something that can make me happy and sad at the same time.

Wife : you have the biggest cock amongst all your friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exrjge/husband_tell_me_something_that_can_make_me_happy/
%
What’s the difference between an Irish-American and someone born in Ireland?

One’s been to Ireland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exrijg/whats_the_difference_between_an_irishamerican_and/
%
How do you get a fat chick into bed?

Piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exrfeq/how_do_you_get_a_fat_chick_into_bed/
%
What is E.T short for?

Because he's got no legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exrapc/what_is_et_short_for/
%
Coronavirus originated in Wuhan.

Did you hear about the serious cough originating in Wu Ping?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exr128/coronavirus_originated_in_wuhan/
%
Quasimodo needs to retire...

Quasimoto had been working for many years ringing the bells at Notre Dame and had decided it was time to retire.  He placed a want ad to hire a replacement but as neither the pay nor the working conditions were very good, some time passed without any response.
One evening he heard a knock at the door and answered it to discover an armless dwarf standing there.  The dwarf said he was there for the job but Quasi couldn't see how he could ring the bells without arms.  The dwarf had Quasi take him to the top of the bell tower amongst all the bells and said "Watch, I'll show you!"
The dwarf stepped back from the largest of the bells and ran straight for it, slamming into with his face! "DONG!!"  The dwarf gave his head a shake, stepped back again, and ran into the bell again with his face. "DONG!!" A third time, the dwarf stepped back, ran at the bell, and missed, falling out the tower and splat, onto the cobblestones below.
At the bottom of the tower, Quasi met with the police to report what had happened.  "Did you know this dwarf?" asked the police officer.
Quais replied, "No, but his face rings a bell."
Two weeks later, Quasi is at home and hears a knock at the door.  Answering, he finds another dwarf, this one carrying a massive ornate hammer.
"I'm sorry," Quasi says "but there was a terrible accident and I'm not looking to hire anyone right now."
"You don't understand," says the dwarf, "I am the brother of the dwarf who died.  If you would allow it, I would like to take this hammer, a family heirloom, up to the bell tower and ring the bell where my brother last was before he died."
Quasi agrees and the two of them climb to the top of the bell tower.  The dwarf approaches the bell, and lifts the hammer above his head.  The weight of the hammer was just too much however, and the dwarf stumbles backwards with it, and out through a tower window, and splat on the cobblestones below.
At the bottom of the tower, Quasi once again meets with the police to report what had happened.  "Well," asks the police officer, "Did you know THIS dwarf?"
Quasi replied, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exqsmf/quasimodo_needs_to_retire/
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What do you call childeren born in whorehouses?

Brothel Sprouts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exqmj7/what_do_you_call_childeren_born_in_whorehouses/
%
Dog fight

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog; he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win, but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and asks, "Say what breed is that anyway?"
The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exqesd/dog_fight/
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Had a clown for my son's birthday yesterday.

Tasted funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exq9lt/had_a_clown_for_my_sons_birthday_yesterday/
%
Having your period on Valentine's day

Is a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exq9bj/having_your_period_on_valentines_day/
%
A man with a drum came to my door

I told him to beat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exq6om/a_man_with_a_drum_came_to_my_door/
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What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?

You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exq17z/what_happens_when_you_eat_too_many_navy_beans/
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My jokes are like the Novel coronavirus

You might not get them right away, but they will hit you later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exporp/my_jokes_are_like_the_novel_coronavirus/
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Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class.

“Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.
“Sadness,” he replied.
“The opposite of depression?” he asked
another student.
“Elation,” he replied.
“The opposite of woe?” the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exp9ne/psychiatry_students_were_in_their_emotional/
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What did the nerd say on a hot day?

I wish I was cool.
(Original joke made up by my 7-year old)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exoyvn/what_did_the_nerd_say_on_a_hot_day/
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I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said,"Thanks."
I said,"Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exotgu/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
Son: Dad, what’s a vagina?

Dad: That’s the part of your mother where you came from
Son:... Dad, what’s a cunt?
Dad: That’s the rest of her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exopdm/son_dad_whats_a_vagina/
%
when she tells you to give her some space

Like, ok girl
.　　　　　　　　　　 ✦ 　　　　   　 　　　˚　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　   　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　 　　　. 　　 　　　　　　　 ✦ 　　　　　　　　　　 　 ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ 　　　　 　　　　　　　　　　　　,　　   　 .　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　ﾟ　  　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　✦ 　　　　　　,　　　　　　　.　　　　　　    　　　　 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　  . 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　    　      　　　　　        　　　　　　　　　　　　　. 　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　       　   　　　　 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　       　   　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　       　    ✦ 　   　　　,　　　　　　　　　　　  　　　　 　　,　　　 ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ 　 　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　　 　　 　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　 　           　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　. ˚　　　 　   . ,　　　　　　　　　　　       　    　　　　　　　　　　　　　. .　　　  　　    ✦　 ✦　　　　 　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 　　   　　　　　 ✦ 　　　　　　　         　        　　　　 　　 　　　　　　　 　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　　    　　. 　 　　　　　.　　　　 　　　　　   　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　   　 　˚　　 . ✦ ✦　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　ﾟ　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　. 　　 　  ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ,　 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　\* .　　　　　 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　 ✦ 　　　　   　 　　　˚　　　　　　　　　　　　　　\*　　　　　　   　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 ✦

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exogo9/when_she_tells_you_to_give_her_some_space/
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Two Old Jewish Guys Find Out That Hitler

is going to be on a street corner in Berlin at noon on Tuesday.
So they assemble some weapons, stake out a hidden spot across the street, and wait.
They are going to kill Hitler!
At 11:55 am, they are ready!  Fingers on their triggers, they wait. Noon arrives, but no Hitler yet.
12:05 pm arrives; still no Hitler.
They wait and wait...
12:10 pm comes and goes. Then 12:15 pm.
One of the old men turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope he's all right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exocck/two_old_jewish_guys_find_out_that_hitler/
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5 year old: What does gay mean?

Dad: It means 'happy', son.
5 year old: Are you gay?
Dad: No, I married to your mother, son!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exobsf/5_year_old_what_does_gay_mean/
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A dignified matron notices that although her dog is affectionate,

he no longer comes when she calls him.  Worried that something might be wrong, she takes him to the vet.
The vet examines the dog and says, "He's fine, it's just that his ear canals are blocked by fur, so he can't hear you.  I can trim it near the surface, but it's also growing farther down inside.  I'll give you a prescription for a special hair remover that you'll have to apply with a Q-tip.
She takes the prescription to the drug store, and hands it to the pharmacist. It takes him just a few minutes to prepare it, but before he gives it to her, he says, "This is pretty strong stuff.  Don't shave your legs for a few days after you apply it."
Offended, the woman looks down her nose at him and says, "Don't be silly, it's not for my legs!"
The pharmacist says, "Oh.  Well, if it's for your underarms, don't use deodorant for 24 hours after you apply it."
Now she is really getting steamed.  She draws herself up and says, "I don't see what business it is of yours, but if you must know, it's for my poodle!"
The pharmacist turns a bit red and says, "In that case, don't ride a bike for a couple of days after you apply it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exobl3/a_dignified_matron_notices_that_although_her_dog/
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A long time ago, I had a job where I translated pre-classical Greek literature into Braille.

It feels like ancient history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exo9tv/a_long_time_ago_i_had_a_job_where_i_translated/
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Happy 02/02/2020!



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exo6yq/happy_02022020/
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What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with big boobs?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exo5d6/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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What's Devo's favourite breed of dog?

Whippet. Whippet good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exo2jo/whats_devos_favourite_breed_of_dog/
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It is 02/02/2020 so if you're into palindromes...

I guess this is your Super Bowl or something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exo0sy/it_is_02022020_so_if_youre_into_palindromes/
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My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exnzn8/my_first_time_using_an_elevator_was_an_uplifting/
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I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.

But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exnyb1/i_used_to_shave_my_scrotum_with_a_straight_razor/
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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding

The cop walks up to John's car and says, "Are you aware you were going 80 in a 55 zone?"
John: "I'm sorry officer, I don't have the license to this car because I shouldn't even be driving it. I jacked it from the guy I just killed. The gun I used to kill him is right here in the glove box and I have his body in my trunk."
Cop: "Holy crap!"
The cop contacts his station and soon there are cops everywhere.
The police chief comes up to the car and says, "Sir, may I see your license?"
John: "Sure."
It was his car.
Chief: "Could you open your glove box?"
John: "Sure."
There was no gun.
Chief: "And can you open your trunk?"
John: "Sure."
There was no body.
Chief: " Sorry about all of this bother, but the officer who pulled you over called me down here and told me you stole a car and murdered somebody."
John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son a bitch told you I was speeding too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exnxum/john_gets_pulled_over_on_the_highway_for_speeding/
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Did you hear about the doctor who botched a vasectomy?

He missed and got the sack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exnu6c/did_you_hear_about_the_doctor_who_botched_a/
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I am a ceiling fan.

I can't help but look up to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exnnv6/i_am_a_ceiling_fan/
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A man and woman are having lunch....

The woman goes, "hey could you please go to the store to get 1 litre of milk? And if they have avocado's, bring 6.
*10 mins later*
Man comes back with 6 cartons of milk," hey honey, they had avocados".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exnnu5/a_man_and_woman_are_having_lunch/
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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exnhey/an_afghan_an_albanian_an_algerian_an_american_an/
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Why aren't koala bears actual bears?

because they don’t meet the koalafications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exn75n/why_arent_koala_bears_actual_bears/
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An ego and a superego walk into a bar..

The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exn4gf/an_ego_and_a_superego_walk_into_a_bar/
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I killed four people by looking them yesterday.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exmzax/i_killed_four_people_by_looking_them_yesterday/
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An atom is sitting at a bar

One says over a drink, "I think I lost all my electrons" the bartender asks "are you sure?" The atom replies "I'm positive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exmxgm/an_atom_is_sitting_at_a_bar/
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New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him:
"Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:"
If they say "How much are the mangoes?" You say "$5 a kilo"
If they ask if they're ripe, you say "Some are, some aren't"
If they say they don't want to buy, you shrug and say "If you don't, someone else will."
After many attempts using hand gestures, he is satisfied that Con gets it, so he leaves Con alone to see how he goes on his first day.
The first customer comes in and asks how much the mangoes are?
He says "Five-a dolla per-a kilo"
The guys asks if they are ripe, he says "Summa dey are, Summa dey aren't."
He says maybe next time, so Con shrugs and tells him, as instructed, "If you-a don't, summabody else will."
The guy shakes his head and leaves.
Later, another customer comes in.
He asks Con for the time. Con replies.
"Five-a dolla per-a kilo"
The guy looks very confused... stares at Con for a few seconds, and then asks him:
"Is your whole family crazy like you are?"
Con shakes his head and replies: "Summa dey are, Summa dey aren't."
The guy is getting pretty angry by now, thinking Con is playing with him, he says:
"So, do you WANT me to punch you in the face right now?"
Con shrugs again and says "If you-a don't, summabody else will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exmvhy/new_to_the_country_and_not_knowing_a_word_of/
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The Pen..

‪Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?” ‬
‪Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.” ‬
‪Mike asks, “How do you know?” ‬
‪Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”. ‬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exmsvn/the_pen/
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Man walks into a pet store & asks the keeper for a pet bee. he says “we don’t sell bees here”. & the man says well you’ve got one in the window

Good clean joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exmqlx/man_walks_into_a_pet_store_asks_the_keeper_for_a/
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Just checked into my hotel

I asked the receptionist if I could have my porn disabled.
She said "so sorry, all we have is regular porn"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exmnhl/just_checked_into_my_hotel/
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I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder...

... so I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exmlu9/i_always_keep_a_loaded_gun_on_my_nightstand_in/
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A woman gives birth in the hospital to a beautiful baby boy. “I’d like to name him Jack”, she says to the Nurse.

“I’m sorry,” said the Nurse “but that name is already taken. How about Jack573 or Jack_142?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exmcfa/a_woman_gives_birth_in_the_hospital_to_a/
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There have been many robberies in my bakery.

But the last one takes the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exm7n1/there_have_been_many_robberies_in_my_bakery/
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I'm really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.

Now every little *ting* is gonna be all right!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exm729/im_really_pleased_that_our_band_has_just_signed_a/
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If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate

And I'll name the other "DupliKate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exlx87/if_i_have_twin_daughters_ill_name_one_kate/
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My missus said that my cock reminds her of her favourite supermarket.

I said, "Why, because it's well stocked and capable of supplying you with your every need?"
"No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exlsv8/my_missus_said_that_my_cock_reminds_her_of_her/
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What do you call a mouse that swears ?

A cursor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exlq6y/what_do_you_call_a_mouse_that_swears/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exlmvy/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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I broke up with my girlfriend after finding out how many people she had slept with before me.

I didn't want to ruin everything by being the 70th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exlggi/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_after_finding_out/
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When life gives you melons,

you're dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exlcvk/when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
"I have a split personality," said Tom,

being frank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exlcir/i_have_a_split_personality_said_tom/
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British English now has only 3 vowels: A I O

They officially left E U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exl799/british_english_now_has_only_3_vowels_a_i_o/
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They say, you can tell a lot about a woman by her hands...

for instance if they are around your throat, she’s probably upset.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exl23j/they_say_you_can_tell_a_lot_about_a_woman_by_her/
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What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exkxl2/whats_the_best_part_about_living_in_switzerland/
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The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested....

I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exkurd/the_world_tonguetwister_champion_just_got_arrested/
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I tried taking my newly purchased Beatle back to the Volkswagen dealership the other day...

He punched me in the arm and said; "no returns!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exkh5x/i_tried_taking_my_newly_purchased_beatle_back_to/
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NSFW What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exkbin/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365/
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What do you call a bunch of crows out for camping?

Murder within tent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exk596/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_crows_out_for_camping/
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So what if I can’t spell Armageddon

It’s not the end of the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exk4jz/so_what_if_i_cant_spell_armageddon/
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I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exk3tw/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_the_calendar/
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I have developed a high tech algorithm to tell if a girl likes me

1. No

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exjwn8/i_have_developed_a_high_tech_algorithm_to_tell_if/
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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exjoui/a_driver_was_stuck_in_a_traffic_jam_on_the/
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Why are lesbians so good at arts and crafts?

Cause they love scissoring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exjnm2/why_are_lesbians_so_good_at_arts_and_crafts/
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Once I started spending my own money, I realised that my mother was right.

We do have food at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exjn3g/once_i_started_spending_my_own_money_i_realised/
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Did you hear about the guy handing out Bayer to those who are told bad news?

He's the bayerer of bad news

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exjm59/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_handing_out_bayer_to/
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What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?

Cuatro sinko.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exjenn/what_do_you_call_four_mexicans_in_quicksand/
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What is a Ford F125?

An F150 that the bank still owns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exje3m/what_is_a_ford_f125/
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A man was worried of having a short pee pee

One of his friends recommended him to go to a monk.
The monk was meditating at a top of a steep mountain.
The man climbed mountain by holding a root of tree.
He went to the monk and explained about his short penis and asked for a solution
The monk told him to take a fruit from a tree beside him and eat it.
He ate the fruit and suddenly his dick got bigger and he became very happy.
Since the monk was resting permanently in the mountain, the man asked the monk how he is surviving in the mountain.
The monk told that he gets the water from a falls nearby and eats the fruit he gave to him for food.
He was shocked and asked the monk about the size of the monk's dick.
The monk replied, "The root which you used to climb the mountain is actually my dick".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exixd6/a_man_was_worried_of_having_a_short_pee_pee/
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I'm thinking of having my spine removed.

It's only holding me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exis0l/im_thinking_of_having_my_spine_removed/
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Doctor tells me I've got to stop masturbating! I ask why?

He says "I'm trying to read your blood pressure".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exip7i/doctor_tells_me_ive_got_to_stop_masturbating_i/
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How do you get a nun pregnant? (NSFW)

Dress her up as a choir boy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exikqe/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant_nsfw/
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Nevermind, it's not that funny.

Wanna hear a time traveling joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exijr9/nevermind_its_not_that_funny/
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Only Australians and/or New Zealanders will get this joke

A large man walks into a bar and looks for a place to sit. Every stool and table is taken but at the end of the bar is a little man drinking a beer by himself. So, the big man walks up behind him and slaps him across the back of head and he falls to the floor.
The little man gets up rubbing his head and yells; "What the fuck was that about?!". The big man smiles and says; "That was a karate chop from China."
The little man decides to ignore the big man so gets back on his stool. The big man promptly grabs the little man by the shirt and throws him across the room.
The little man gets up and yells across the bar; "What the fuck was that?!". Again, the big man smiles and says; "That was a judo throw from Japan."
The little man screams and storms out of the bar. He comes back about 20 minutes later and sees the big man sitting on HIS bar stool drinking HIS beer. He walks up behind him, jumps up, and smacks him across the back of the head. He drops to the ground unconscious.
The entire bar stands in stunned silence and the little man turns to address them; "When he wakes up, tell him that was a crow bar from Bunnings."
For those of you who are confused; Bunnings is the big chain of hardware stores in this part of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exiik8/only_australians_andor_new_zealanders_will_get/
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What’s a Mexicans favorite band?

Hispanic at the Disco!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exih4u/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_band/
%
What's Worse Than Having Your Doctor Tell You You've Got Herpes?

Having your dentist tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exih03/whats_worse_than_having_your_doctor_tell_you/
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For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $1,80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $1,80,000 mortgage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exigz5/for_his_birthday_little_johnny_asked_for_a/
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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $10. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because his price goes down every time this joke is reposted”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exigya/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
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Jesus must be horrible at hide and seek

People keep on finding him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exi6v1/jesus_must_be_horrible_at_hide_and_seek/
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Mommy Mommy I keep running around in circles

Shut up before I nail your other foot to the floor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exi3x8/mommy_mommy_i_keep_running_around_in_circles/
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[NSFW] I once knew a man who was born with no eyelids. They had to use his foreskin to make new ones...

You could say he was a little cockeyed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exhsry/nsfw_i_once_knew_a_man_who_was_born_with_no/
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What do you call a single kernel of corn?

A uni-corn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exhdt2/what_do_you_call_a_single_kernel_of_corn/
%
Two doctor friends are sitting and having a chat on a bench.

Across from them, they see a man hobbling and barely able to walk. The first doctor says “Poor guy, looks like he suffered a devastating back injury. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight.” The second doctor says “I disagree. I think it’s a hip injury, look at the way he’s favoring his right side.” So the two doctors go back and forth on their analysis and out of competition they want to see who’s right. They cross the street and approach the man and ask who’s correct in their analysis of his injury. The man says “Well docs, I appreciate your analysis on my situation. You think it's my back and you think it's my hip, and I thought it was only a fart.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exhb5a/two_doctor_friends_are_sitting_and_having_a_chat/
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My grandmother was famous for growing delicious strawberries.

She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on top of her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited.
I fulfilled my promise.
She’s dead and berried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exh97l/my_grandmother_was_famous_for_growing_delicious/
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You're on your death bed and You're known as a practical joker in the family. What do you say as your last joke with your dying breath?

The cornyer the better!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exh18d/youre_on_your_death_bed_and_youre_known_as_a/
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist,

was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried
to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss
Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing
to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter!"
The pastor fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exh163/miss_beatrice_the_church_organist/
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A Porn Actress got pregnant after one of her shoots

They sued for an accident at the workplace

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exgxyf/a_porn_actress_got_pregnant_after_one_of_her/
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An Army cadet has the worst assignment on base, overnight monitor of the armory where the weapons are stored.

He's required to log a summary on the base laptop at the end of each shift and it's always the same: "All well".  After a week he gets sick of sitting there bored for hours so instead he writes the summary at the beginning of the night and then sneaks off to sleep instead.  This goes on fine for a month, until he's awoken one night to the sound of massive explosions - he looks out his window and sees fire has engulfed the armory.  He grabs his laptop, logs on as quickly as he can to that night's summary and quickly types...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exgw89/an_army_cadet_has_the_worst_assignment_on_base/
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If at first you don’t succeed...

...skydiving is probably not for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exgj3w/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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What's the difference between a chestnut and a walnut?

How good the blow job is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exg71m/whats_the_difference_between_a_chestnut_and_a/
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There are 3 kinds of people

The ones can count and the ones can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exg2bl/there_are_3_kinds_of_people/
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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years..

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exfzvm/a_straight_tree_and_a_gay_tree_lived_next_to_each/
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I'm emotionally constipated

I haven't given a shit for days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exfz2r/im_emotionally_constipated/
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I hate people who defend their laziness with their zodiac sign!

I mean, I invited my friend into an important friend reunion but she didnt go!
I asked her what was wrong she said' "Oh, I have cancer"
Yeah im an Aries! So what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exfyqz/i_hate_people_who_defend_their_laziness_with/
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My teacher told me to turn in my essay...

But I ain’t no snitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exfvob/my_teacher_told_me_to_turn_in_my_essay/
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What do you call a vampire that never leaves?

A pain in the neck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exftfv/what_do_you_call_a_vampire_that_never_leaves/
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Yesterday I ran over three disabled kids and I call it a...

Cripple kill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exfns5/yesterday_i_ran_over_three_disabled_kids_and_i/
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Lifting weights has really changed my life. Dropped 25 pounds already.

Right on my big toe. It's broken now I can hardly walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exf7v0/lifting_weights_has_really_changed_my_life/
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It's way too soon for Kobe jokes.

They never land well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exetyl/its_way_too_soon_for_kobe_jokes/
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How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

The drill slipped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exenm6/how_did_the_dentist_become_a_brain_surgeon/
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A Piano Bar Needs a Piano Player NSFW

A man is walking down a busy street in St. Pete and see a chalk board sign out front of a pub that reads “Piano Player Wanted”.
The man walks into the bar and it’s empty other than the bar owner setting up chairs in front of the stage with a piano on it.  The owner says “sorry sir we don’t open for another 30 minutes”. The man says “no I saw your sign out front and I’m the best damn piano player in Tampa Bay!”
The owner says “well that’s great, as I said we open in 30 minutes and my usual pianist cancelled today, hop on the piano and show me what you got”
The man starts playing and it’s the most beautiful song the bar owner has ever heard.  “Wow that was great!  Did you write that?” Says the owner.  “Yes I did, I call that song I fucked your mother’s brains out” says the man.
“Whoa ok that’s a dirty song name, why don’t you play something else for me” says the owner.  The man plays a second song even more beautiful than the first...
The bar owners says “wow that was even better!   Did you write that too? What do you call it?”  The man says “I did write it, I call it your sister’s panties are wet for me”
“Whoa whoa, that’s another dirty song name man.” Says the bar owner. “Here’s the deal, we are opening in 5 minutes, I’d like for you to play piano tonight and I’ll pay you well, as long as you don’t say the names of your songs to my customers in the microphone”
The man agrees, the bar opens to a packed house and the piano player is crushing it song after song.  Until eventually he grabs the microphone and says “excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I need to use the restroom and I will be right back”
The man gets up, goes to the bathroom to take a pee, then walks out and starts heading back to the stage.  Before he gets to the steps a woman with a distraught look on her face approaches the man quickly and exclaims “sir! sir! Before you get back on stage, do you know your fly is down and your dick is hanging out!?”
The piano player looks at her strangely and says “Lady not only do I know it, I fucking WROTE it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exenii/a_piano_bar_needs_a_piano_player_nsfw/
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I'm sorry I asked if you fucked Gollum when you showed me your baby

but, in my defense, you said he looks just like his daddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exegm3/im_sorry_i_asked_if_you_fucked_gollum_when_you/
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Two brothers, a 6-year-old and a 5-year-old, decide that today is the day they will learn how to swear..

The 6-year-old says, "I'm gonna say the word 'damn,' " and the 5-year-old replies with glee, "I'll say the word 'ass,' " and they giggle and wait for their opportunity. Mother calls for them to come down for breakfast. They run downstairs, into the kitchen, and jump on the stools.
"What would you like for breakfast?" Mother asks the oldest.
"Give me some cereal, damn it!" the 6-year-old replies, and without skipping a beat, Mother slaps him with the back of her hand across his face. He runs crying and embarassed to his room.
She turns to the 5-year-old and with a stern grimace says, "And what would you like?" to which he replies with a tremor in his voice,
"I don't know, but you can bet your ass it won't be cereal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exege8/two_brothers_a_6yearold_and_a_5yearold_decide/
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Why do you never see Elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are REALLY good at it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exeg57/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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This year's Fibonacci celebrations are going to be huge

As big as the previous two combined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exebsi/this_years_fibonacci_celebrations_are_going_to_be/
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A man killed himself next to a drain

It was sewer-side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exeb1b/a_man_killed_himself_next_to_a_drain/
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Brexit

The coolest thing about the Brexit is that the EU has 1 GB of free space...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exe7bs/brexit/
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A drunk guy stopped a taxi

*The driver realized that the guy is drunk AF so he wanted to take advantage of him*.
The drunk guy: "hey bro, please take me to my grandma's house".
The driver: "sure".
*the taxi barely moves few meters and then stops*.
The driver: "Here we are, hope you enjoyed the ride".
*The drunk guy gets frustrated and slaps the driver as hard as he can. The latter starts to panic thinking that his trick was too obvious.*
The driver: "I'm sorry, I can explain...".
The drunk guy: "Shut up, next time watch your speed, you almost killed us".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exe3e7/a_drunk_guy_stopped_a_taxi/
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A club I was at had a vending machine that dispensed packets of cologne. I put a quarter in it, turned the knob, and nothing came out.

I guess the machine was out of odor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exe310/a_club_i_was_at_had_a_vending_machine_that/
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Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!" Genie: "Wish granted!"

When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exdtjq/kid_i_wish_i_could_be_like_batman_genie_wish/
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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.
When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"
The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exdkht/son_takes_his_father_to_the_doctor_the_doctor/
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What do you get when you arrest a man who has dirt on a bunch of famous people?

A suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exdfbu/what_do_you_get_when_you_arrest_a_man_who_has/
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A lady about 8 months pregnant...

...got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied:
"Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William’s Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exdag7/a_lady_about_8_months_pregnant/
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I just won a staring contest against the sun

I was  staring at it for like 2 minutes and it just gave up because everything is black and I haven't  closed my eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exd8l5/i_just_won_a_staring_contest_against_the_sun/
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Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Suddenly, one of them is knocked out.

The other hunter panics and calls 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he could be dead!” The emergency responder replies “OK, first, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exd2q8/two_hunters_were_walking_through_the_forest_one/
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A coronavirus walks into a bar

The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve viruses here”, and the coronavirus replies, ‘Well, you’re not a very good host”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exd0fb/a_coronavirus_walks_into_a_bar/
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ATTENTION 49ers/Chiefs FANS

I accidentally bought $3500 Super Bowl tickets on the same day I’m supposed to get married. If anyone wants to go take my place for FREE it’s going to be at Casino Beach in Pensacola Florida. Her name is Savanna she’s 5’2, super nice girl, and an incredible cook!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/excq5h/attention_49erschiefs_fans/
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A woman finds out that she's pregnant with triplets...

she then consents to be the test subject for an experiment. A doctor gives her a newly developed pill that is meant to give unborn children super intelligence so they're born with the ability to speak English, think critically, etc.
Nine months later, she goes into labor. The doctor who gave her the pill is there. He wants to ask the babies what they want to be when they grow up.
The first baby comes out
Doctor: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Baby 1: An electrician
Doctor: And why is that?
Baby 1: There are so many cords and wires in my mom's belly, it's confusing and I want to figure it all out.
The second baby comes out
Doctor: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Baby 2: A plumber
Doctor: And why is that?
Baby 2: There is so much water and waste flowing in and out of my mom's belly and I want to know how to manage such a mess.
The thirds baby comes out
Doctor: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Baby 3: A professional wrestler
Doctor: And why is that?
Baby 3: To beat the living shit out of the bald guy who was spitting on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/excoui/a_woman_finds_out_that_shes_pregnant_with_triplets/
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What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Adolf Hitler?

Hitler won an election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/excl0v/whats_the_difference_between_hillary_clinton_and/
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They say during sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles

Nobody runs 5 miles in 2 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/excjuy/they_say_during_sex_you_burn_as_much_calories_as/
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A new survey shows that 97% of the world is certified stupid.

Luckily I'm in the other 5%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/excjbx/a_new_survey_shows_that_97_of_the_world_is/
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Im afraid of random letters

Me: im afraid of random letters
Therapist: you are?
Me:(starts screaming)
Therapist:oh I see
Me: (starts screaming louder)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/excbpl/im_afraid_of_random_letters/
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Policeman

:'This dog tells me you have used drugs'
Me:'I have used drugs? You're the one that talks to dogs.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exc8ik/policeman/
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What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exc7ke/whats_forrest_gumps_password/
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A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
‘BP’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exbz8v/a_man_was_driving_down_the_road_and_ran_out_of/
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Dung Beetle Walks Into A Bar...

Is This Stool Taken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exbtc3/dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar/
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I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exbqn1/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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What does every hoarder have in common?

Many things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exbnp7/what_does_every_hoarder_have_in_common/
%
Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exbmsj/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_check/
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The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it.

Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exblx2/the_ending_of_game_of_thrones_makes_sense_think/
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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exbg8r/a_teenage_boy_had_just_passed_his_driving_test/
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exb7nd/a_married_couple_went_to_the_hospital_to_have/
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Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the
crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"
Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exb1l8/two_rednecks_flew_to_canada_on_a_hunting_trip/
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A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.

\-Hi Gary, how's everything going?
\-Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and...
\-Hold on a sec, Gary.  You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I don't get upset and ruin my holiday.
\-Sorry, I never heard that before.
\-Well, that's ok,  I guess you just didn't know.  How's Dad doing?
\-Ahh, he's up on the roof right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exae8a/a_man_is_away_on_vacation_and_phones_his_brother/
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"I've come to appreciate the little things in life"

- My wife, talking about my penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/exa8bf/ive_come_to_appreciate_the_little_things_in_life/
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Two friends were going camping...

Pete told Mark not to bring any booze for safety reasons.
When they met, Mark had two bags with him, at first glance, Pete noticed one bag full of vodka.
"I told you not to bring booze"
"It's just in case we get bitten by a snake, that will work as an anesthesia"
"Oh, ok, but whats in the other bag?"
"Snakes! I thought we might not find any there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex9uel/two_friends_were_going_camping/
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My son got sent home from school today. It's serious.

Apparently he was letting a girl in his class jerk him off. That's going to mean he has to go to another school, which makes three times this year.
I don't think teaching's for him tbqh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex9hal/my_son_got_sent_home_from_school_today_its_serious/
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Why do communists love time so much?

Because it's hours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex9356/why_do_communists_love_time_so_much/
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There was a little boy who needed $10 and he prayed to God for two weeks to get the money...

But nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God to ask for the $10. When the post office was to sort out the boy's letter addressed to 'God, America', they decided to deliver it to President Donald Trump. The President was impressed, touched and entertained by the boy's letter. He told his secretary to send $2 to the boy. The President thought it would be a lot of money for the little boy. The boy was happy to receive money from God, so he sat down to write a thank-you note that read:
- Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it via Washington, and as usual, the devils took 80% of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex91yy/there_was_a_little_boy_who_needed_10_and_he/
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A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?"
The fellow said "No",
She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex8uc1/a_man_was_sitting_on_a_blanket_at_the_beach_he/
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Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex8oez/where_do_animals_go_when_their_tails_fall_off/
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I woke up and my girlfriend left a note on the fridge.

The note said’ “This is not working, bye,” but when I opened the fridge, it was working just fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex8iu2/i_woke_up_and_my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the/
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A month ago, someone stole my identity

Last week he mailed my license and social security card back, along with a five dollar bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex8hlx/a_month_ago_someone_stole_my_identity/
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Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex8at4/why_are_monks_so_good_at_protesting/
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I had sex with a chinese girl on an elevator

I was fucking Wong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex86ug/i_had_sex_with_a_chinese_girl_on_an_elevator/
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I would make a joke about communism, but I don't think I can.

Besides, it would be funnier if all of us got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex86jj/i_would_make_a_joke_about_communism_but_i_dont/
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John is a mailman in a small town. Everyone in the town knows him. Today he is retiring.

Every house he went to, families were greeting him and congratulating him. Most game him gifts. Flowers, cards, presents ... until he got to the last house on his final route.
A woman came to the door stark naked. She quietly took him upstairs and made sweet passionate love to him for hours until they passed out.
The next morning, she hurried downstairs and made him a huge breakfast. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, and hash browns. She served it to him in bed with a one dollar bill under the plate.
John looked up and said, "This has been amazing and I am stunned and thankful but ... why the dollar?"
The woman replied, "I asked my husband what we should get you for your retirement before he went on a business trip. He said 'Fuck him. Give a buck. Breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex83c3/john_is_a_mailman_in_a_small_town_everyone_in_the/
%
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex82hf/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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Why are there so many stock photos of 1790’s France?

Because they’re royalty free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex829c/why_are_there_so_many_stock_photos_of_1790s_france/
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My son identifies as a crescent moon.

I hope it's just a phase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex7mfn/my_son_identifies_as_a_crescent_moon/
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Why didn’t the Skelton cross the road?

It didn’t have the guts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex7dtw/why_didnt_the_skelton_cross_the_road/
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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex7bta/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
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I took a poll from all the local strip clubs.

100% of them wants their poles back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex7ahj/i_took_a_poll_from_all_the_local_strip_clubs/
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Never open email or accept friend requests from Hormel Foods...

It could be SPAM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex73wh/never_open_email_or_accept_friend_requests_from/
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I quit smoking cold turkey

And started putting it on my sandwiches instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex71op/i_quit_smoking_cold_turkey/
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Why doesn’t Boba Fett work with anybody?

He hunts Solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex6zou/why_doesnt_boba_fett_work_with_anybody/
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What do you call a unique bee?

One in a beellion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex6vyw/what_do_you_call_a_unique_bee/
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Someone bought me a headstone for my birthday.

That's the last thing I need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex6q2m/someone_bought_me_a_headstone_for_my_birthday/
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When I was in college, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex6o9x/when_i_was_in_college_i_was_rejected_by_all/
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Chuck Norris got shot

The bullet suffered fatal injuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex6d8k/chuck_norris_got_shot/
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I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex6439/i_got_my_best_friend_a_fridge_for_her_birthday/
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"Russian Roulettes are safe"

-5/6 Scientists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex5xk8/russian_roulettes_are_safe/
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I don't know why my mom's throwing Stephen King's novels at me.

IT just hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex5vh5/i_dont_know_why_my_moms_throwing_stephen_kings/
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The Boss Of The Body (not mine)

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up; All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the wok while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex5sex/the_boss_of_the_body_not_mine/
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Son: Dad what's an alcoholic

Dad: well you see those Two kids ove there an alcoholic would see 4
Son: looks closely, but dad i only see one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex5qef/son_dad_whats_an_alcoholic/
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HER: what is your perfect idea of a date?

**ME:** DD/MM/YYYY... Other formats can be confusing
**HER:** listen here you little shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex5ier/her_what_is_your_perfect_idea_of_a_date/
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I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.

I have a Czech one, too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex5e41/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_is_a_sound_engineer/
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Why did hitler only drink water

Because he hates juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex599a/why_did_hitler_only_drink_water/
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Gary Oldman has had to drastically change his appearance to star in a biopic about one Britain's electronic music pioneers.

Guess he's going to be a Gary Numan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex55yb/gary_oldman_has_had_to_drastically_change_his/
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What do you name a scandal in the Colgate company?

Colgate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex4vau/what_do_you_name_a_scandal_in_the_colgate_company/
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Growing up in Germany, we always had this game that we'd play where we'd run around and hit each other with bread

Man, I miss Gluten Tag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex4rc9/growing_up_in_germany_we_always_had_this_game/
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I get worried about my Grandma...

If she is alone and falls down the stairs does she make a sound?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex4phv/i_get_worried_about_my_grandma/
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You ever hear of a bee that gives milk?

A Boobee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex4fus/you_ever_hear_of_a_bee_that_gives_milk/
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I've a back-up business plan helping midgets who have difficulties with maths.

I call it Making The Little Things Count. My tuition was too much because no one showed up. I guess they all came up a little short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex43lo/ive_a_backup_business_plan_helping_midgets_who/
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Knock knock, who is there?

A sudden, a sudden who?
A sudden haiku

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex41n5/knock_knock_who_is_there/
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A: Are the two of you twins?

B: What makes you think so?
A: Well, your mom has both of you guys wear the same clothes.
B: Sir, I need you to step out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex3xoh/a_are_the_two_of_you_twins/
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I’m selling my dead batteries.

They’re free of charge if you’re interested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex3ign/im_selling_my_dead_batteries/
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Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.
Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.
"See that town over there?" said the first ghost proudly while pointing to several dots of lights in the horizon. The other two ghosts nodded. "I killed all 500 people in that town, all within an hour."
The second ghost, unfazed, flew off speedily into the night towards a larger patch of lights in the horizon, returning just 1 minute later. The second ghost was fully covered in red, thick blood dripping off his the now blunt edge of his knife.
"See that city over there?" said the second ghost with a wide grin while pointing towards the patch of lights that he returned from. The other two ghosts nodded. "I killed all 5000 people in that city, all within a minute."
Without hesitation, the third ghost scanned the horizon and found a huge sprawl of bright lights in the distance illuminating the night sky. He then flew towards it, fast as light. The third ghost returned just 1 second later, his cloak completely soaked in blood, so wet it dripped blood on the ground. The blade of his knife was gone.
"See that lamp post over there?" said the third ghost without any pride in his tone. The other two ghosts nodded.
"Good, cause I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex3cj5/three_knifewielding_ghosts_were_arguing_on_a/
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My neighbour accused me of stealing her panties...

I nearly shit her pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex356z/my_neighbour_accused_me_of_stealing_her_panties/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It only takes one. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex34tb/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What do you call a Redditor posting random stuff to a ton of subreddits for a cake day?

Toasterlicker420

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex32yq/what_do_you_call_a_redditor_posting_random_stuff/
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What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?

On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley.
On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex2vtm/what_is_the_difference_between_tatooine_and_hoth/
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Remember when the UK was part of the European Union?

I remember it like it was yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex2o9h/remember_when_the_uk_was_part_of_the_european/
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My brother who has a stutter got life in prison

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex2aem/my_brother_who_has_a_stutter_got_life_in_prison/
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When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party

That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex29r1/when_i_was_ten_my_mom_told_me_to_take_my_brother/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It last's shorter for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex24dp/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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A guy was stranded on a desert island with only a pig and a dog.

Several months went by and he was feeling the pangs of having no female companionship. He started looking at the pig and thought, "hmm, not bad." So, he started making a move on the pig, but each time he did the dog would bark and growl ferociously and pull him off. Every day went by and he'd try to sneak a little hug or kiss toward the pig, but each time the dog, ever watchful, grabbed him off gnarling and grrr'ing. He said to himself, "what am I going to do? This is soooo frustrating..... wait, I know, I'll let the dog fall asleep and then I'll make my move. So later that night, after the dog fell asleep, he lined up a little dinner atmosphere for the two of them. He slapped a little rogue and lipstick on the pig and invited her over to the table near the candlelights. But just as he went to make his move, the dog sniffed this out and went tearing over to them, pulling him off the pig. He was at wits' end!
A few days later a single man boat crashes up on the shoreline and out from the wreckage pops this tall,gorgeous, centerfold, voluptuous, model looking blonde!! Excitedly he runs full speed at her and starts yelling, "OH MAN THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.........!!!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Can you get over here and hold this damn dog back for me!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex1z6h/a_guy_was_stranded_on_a_desert_island_with_only_a/
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Why does Yeast have 7 toes?

Because it is in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex1gbk/why_does_yeast_have_7_toes/
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Gonna start a condom company, buy I'm still working on the name.

I think I'm gonna go with Don't Kid Yourself. That's also what the magnum size is called though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex10q5/gonna_start_a_condom_company_buy_im_still_working/
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That'll do it

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough. They could not afford a larger house so the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/ cousin didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”
So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy, when he realized how truly backward these people were. This doctor instead told him to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count “1...2...3...4...5...” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex1085/thatll_do_it/
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Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving.
As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". Germany argued that this may make the EU more inviting to the UK in the future.
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex0udr/despite_brexit_english_is_set_to_become_the_eu/
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[nsfw] so apparently adult male whales have a 10 foot long penis when fully erect

The only thing i dont get is how rebel wilson fits it in her pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex0u4g/nsfw_so_apparently_adult_male_whales_have_a_10/
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Remember when Britain was still part of the EU?

I still remember it like it was yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex0pey/remember_when_britain_was_still_part_of_the_eu/
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A Pakistani man found the image of prophet Muhammad in his tub of margarine..

He showed it to his Chinese neighbour who said
"I can't believe it's not Buddha"!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex0jtk/a_pakistani_man_found_the_image_of_prophet/
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When a man is trying to take a decision it is often a struggle between his head and his heart

... then his penis walks in and says,
“Relax Guys! I got this”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ex0glc/when_a_man_is_trying_to_take_a_decision_it_is/
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It is fitting that Coronavirus started in communist China

because everyone is going to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewzy6v/it_is_fitting_that_coronavirus_started_in/
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One time I hosted a Halloween party and everybody had the same costume

The invisible man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewzurc/one_time_i_hosted_a_halloween_party_and_everybody/
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I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to this realization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewzs6a/i_have_a_weird_fetish_for_figuring_things_out/
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I accidentally called my gynecologist thinking it was my dentist

The person on the other end was horrified when I asked about my routine cleaning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewzoij/i_accidentally_called_my_gynecologist_thinking_it/
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What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture!
(Heard it on the Golden Girls)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewz4ir/whats_irish_and_stays_out_all_night/
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Why are discount circumcisions a bad idea?

It’s usually a total rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewyvpw/why_are_discount_circumcisions_a_bad_idea/
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My boyfriend said he doesn’t want me to watch porn because it has other people in it....

But who the fuck said anything about watching humans?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewymh4/my_boyfriend_said_he_doesnt_want_me_to_watch_porn/
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Why don't Republicans like Jehovah's Witnesses?

Republicans don't like any witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewyc2o/why_dont_republicans_like_jehovahs_witnesses/
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A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bar tender here?"

Why are you here the punch line is up top?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewy4ci/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_is_the_bar/
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What did Britain say to its trade partners?

See EU later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewxvsk/what_did_britain_say_to_its_trade_partners/
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Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewxsvw/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_playground/
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When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?

Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewxs9q/when_a_dad_drives_past_a_graveyard_did_you_know/
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What is an acorn?

It's an oak tree, in a nutshell.
Hahah my friend told me this. Credits to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewxkg6/what_is_an_acorn/
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world

Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewxiqq/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
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What did the circuit say when it short-circuited?

I couldn’t resist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewxd1j/what_did_the_circuit_say_when_it_shortcircuited/
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Toodles Beneventi

A family is having dinner on a Sunday. Everything is very proper and peaceful, dad is wearing his ironed shirt and a tie, mom is wearing her Sunday dress. The two teenage kids, a sixteen year-old girl and her fourteen year-old brother, are very well-behaved.
Suddenly, there is a knock on the door. The family looks at the door, nobody expects a visitor this late. The father wipes his mouth, goes to the door and opens it.
In the door stands a very large and burly man in lumberjack clothing. He has a thick beard and thick, muscular arms and black eyes. The father looks up at the man and the man says, with a booming, deep voice: "My name is Toodles Beneventi, and I am here to fuck your daughter."
The father, aghast: "To what??!"
The man, with dignity: "Toodles Beneventi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewx3yy/toodles_beneventi/
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Kobe Bryant used to cry during sex.

But, then, Mace will do that to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewwsvp/kobe_bryant_used_to_cry_during_sex/
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Man on a deserted island (Long)

A man has been stranded on an island for 10 years, when one day, a beautiful woman emerges out of the sea in a wetsuit. "How long has it been since you've had a beer?" she asks. "10 years" says the man. She unzips one of her pockets to reveal a bottle of beer. He drinks it and says "Man, that's good!" She than asks "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "10 years!" says the man. She unzips her other pocket and ands him a cigarette. He lights it and smokes it. She then starts unzipping the main zipper of her wetsuit saying "And how long has it been since you've had some **real** fun?" to which the man replies "Woah! Don't tell me you have a jet ski in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewwhl4/man_on_a_deserted_island_long/
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The teachers at my school are walking stereotypes.

**I threw a pencil in French class. The teacher surrendered.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewwc1k/the_teachers_at_my_school_are_walking_stereotypes/
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Job interview

A man is applying for a job and he has a very good resume
Interviewer: You have the qualities we are looking for and your resume looks great and we want to hire you. However, there is a 5 year gap in your resume. Can you tell us what you were doing during that time?
Employee: I went to Yale
Interviewer: Wow, great! You're hired!
Employee: Yay! I got a yob!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eww8uw/job_interview/
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theres something suspicious about the location of the g-spot

i just cant quite put my finger on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eww1tl/theres_something_suspicious_about_the_location_of/
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It’s nice to see one New Years resolution is being followed.

One month in and the EU has already lost a pound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewvxzk/its_nice_to_see_one_new_years_resolution_is_being/
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A millionaire and a guide were out hunting ducks with a dog.

The dog runs into a thicket and back out and barks once. The owner said good there's one duck in there. They go in and sure enough one duck. They get the duck and head to the next thicket.
The dog runs in and back out. This time he barks three times. Good there's three ducks. They go in and bingo! Three ducks. They collect the ducks and leave.
On the way out the millionaire asks the guide  if he can buy his dog. And after much pushback and negotiations he had that dog!
Some years later the guide and millionaire cross paths and naturally the guide asks about his dog. The millionaire replied
"I had to put him down"
"What? Why?"
"Well, I took him out with a friend. First he runs into the thicket just like you taught him. Then he comes out barking like mad! I mean like crazy. Then he took off back into the thicket. When he came out this time he jumped on my buddies leg and went to humpin! After we got him to stop it was back to the thicket. The last time he ran out he came with a stick and was hitting us with it sooo I put him down."
"YOU MORON!" replied the guide. "He was trying to tell you that THERE'S MORE FUCKING DUCKS IN THERE THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewvuz7/a_millionaire_and_a_guide_were_out_hunting_ducks/
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Why are homeless people always yelling at people?

Because they don’t know how to use their inside voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewvrcq/why_are_homeless_people_always_yelling_at_people/
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Why does Hamlet take so long in the Bathroom?

He cannot decide to pee or not to pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewvojo/why_does_hamlet_take_so_long_in_the_bathroom/
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Why are so many rivers in India polluted?

Hyderabad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewvmc1/why_are_so_many_rivers_in_india_polluted/
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My mum has so much stuff in her wardrobe

So why does she keep saying she wishes the coat hanger worked?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewvfsy/my_mum_has_so_much_stuff_in_her_wardrobe/
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Did you ever hear about Hitler’s children’s book?

Mein Summer Kampf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewvfc8/did_you_ever_hear_about_hitlers_childrens_book/
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Crafty ex-wife

Out of the blue, John casually told his wife he wanted a divorce. – I’ve fallen in love with Stacy, that new young lady at the office, he said. – You can stay in the house until next week. We need to find a buyer quickly so Stacy and I can get an apartment in the city. Naturally Johns wife was devastated.
The next few days she packed her belongings and cleaned out the house. The last thing she did before leaving was to stuff some raw fish inn all the curtain poles in every room.
By the time the house was ready for buyers it had an unbelievable stink. Of course, nobody would place a bid on it. Johns had no other options than to move back home. His wife then offered to sell her half of the house to John and his new plaything.
It worked out well, but after days of cleaning every inch three times, Stacy would not put up with the smell, and demanded they move out. Johns wife offered to buy back the house but only at a fraction of what they originally were asking. As she said to him – You’re never going to find another buyer now, other than me. John agreed, and his wife moved back home, while the new couple where moving their stuff out.
The very last thing Johns wife did before they left, was to take down the curtain poles and put them on the pile of Johns belongings. As they dove off she waved goodbye and shouted - Good luck then, John.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewv2xw/crafty_exwife/
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I was gonna take my kids to see a puppet show, but it was all sold out

Thankfully, we still got in. I just had to pull some strings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewv210/i_was_gonna_take_my_kids_to_see_a_puppet_show_but/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

he wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewuu73/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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I caught the flu in Madrid

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick?" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within minutes, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewut2v/i_caught_the_flu_in_madrid/
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How to forgive a friend?

Asking for a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewuq9k/how_to_forgive_a_friend/
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A kid asks his dad, the tribe chief, how he was named

“When your sister was born, I walked outside and saw a silver wolf. That’s why she’s called Silver Wolf. When your brother was born, I walked outside and saw a gliding hawk. That’s why he’s called Flying Hawk. That explain it, Two Dogs Fucking?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewuo6c/a_kid_asks_his_dad_the_tribe_chief_how_he_was/
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If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

Why can I hear a BMW honking at me *before* the light turns green?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewummq/if_light_travels_faster_than_the_speed_of_sound/
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My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewujpu/my_wife_has_kicked_me_out_of_the_house_because_of/
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What do you call a bisexual person who is single?

on standbi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewugz4/what_do_you_call_a_bisexual_person_who_is_single/
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A man goes to court to legally change his name.

Judge: “It says here that you want to change your name. What is your name, young man?”
“Donald J. Shit,” says the man.
Judge: “Well, I can certainly see why you want to change it. What are you hoping to change it to?”
“Larry Shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewufzb/a_man_goes_to_court_to_legally_change_his_name/
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Working out is like a drug to me..

I don't do drugs..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewu99b/working_out_is_like_a_drug_to_me/
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I got mugged by six dwarves last night.

Not happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewu82w/i_got_mugged_by_six_dwarves_last_night/
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What to do with an ill chemist

If you can't curium or helium, then you'll need to barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewu75s/what_to_do_with_an_ill_chemist/
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A group of explorers, along with a dog, are exploring the Amazon when the dog gets separated from the group.

While the dog is looking for the group, a jaguar sees the dog.
"I've never seen an animal like that before!" says the jaguar. "He looks tasty!"
The jaguar runs towards the dog, but the dog thinks quickly. Just as the jaguar is about to nab the dog, the dog says, "That jaguar I had earlier today was delicious!" The jaguar slinks away.
From a treetop overhead, a toucan sees the whole thing. He flies down to the jungle floor and tells everything to the jaguar.
The two of them look for the dog together so the jaguar can finally eat him. Finally, they see the dog.
The dog looks behind him and sees the jaguar and the toucan. Once again he thinks quickly.
He says, "I told that stupid toucan to bring me another jaguar an hour ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewu04s/a_group_of_explorers_along_with_a_dog_are/
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Take your child to work day

A man took his 8 year old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As he was walking her around, she started crying and getting very cranky, so he asked her what was wrong. As the coworkers gathered around, she sobbed and said, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewtvug/take_your_child_to_work_day/
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The Patriots aren't going to the Super Bowl this year

I'm deflated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewtaeg/the_patriots_arent_going_to_the_super_bowl_this/
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Why did the rapper go back in time to 1009?

to drop his MIX tape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewt3u2/why_did_the_rapper_go_back_in_time_to_1009/
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German, Englishman, and Irishman

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.
The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, "Please tie two pillows to my back." This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain.
The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?"
And the Irishman said, "Tie the Englishman to my back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewt3rj/german_englishman_and_irishman/
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An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewsokp/an_atheist_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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A man comes home drunk from the bar and realizes he doesn't have his house key

So he knocks on the door and his wife answers.  She looks him up and down and exclaims, "Drunk again!"
"Don't worry, Honey," he says reassuringly, "I am, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewsnwr/a_man_comes_home_drunk_from_the_bar_and_realizes/
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Got banned from Lazer Tag today

Apparently you cant use a knife to save on ammo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewsn2p/got_banned_from_lazer_tag_today/
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My friend's a gynecologist and recently went deaf, but don't worry...

He's been reading lips for years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewsl3w/my_friends_a_gynecologist_and_recently_went_deaf/
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My friend told me I have no idea what irony is

Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ews65s/my_friend_told_me_i_have_no_idea_what_irony_is/
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I never liked those Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ews5n3/i_never_liked_those_russian_dolls/
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A rich man visits Karl Marx as he's writing the Communist manifesto.

He asks: "So what's in that book of yours, Mr. Marx?"
Marx replies: "None of your business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ews5l4/a_rich_man_visits_karl_marx_as_hes_writing_the/
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I'm putting together a Christian Metallica all puppet cover band.

Gonna call it Pastor of Muppets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ews2pe/im_putting_together_a_christian_metallica_all/
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Another joke about Tommy, who has no arms and legs

Tommy was in the garden, playing in the sandbox. As he has no arms, he uses his mouth to pick up the shovels and his other sandbox toys.
As Tommy is happily playing along, his mother opens the window of their flat - which is on the 50th floor - and shouts: "Tommy! Lunch is ready!". Because tommy doesn't have legs, she lets down a huge rope so Tommy can bite on it whileshe pulls him up.
As Tommy passed an open window on the 10th floor, the neighbor within saw him and asked
"Hi Tommy, is it lunch time?"
"M-hmmm!" Sais tommy while nodding.
And up he goes.
As he passed an open window on the 30th floor, the neighbor within saw him and asked:
"Hi Tommy, are you looking forward to your lunch?"
"M-hmmm!" Tommy says again, while nodding.
And up he goes.
When he passed an open window on the 40th floor, the neighbor within saw him and asked:
"Hi Tommy, what's for lunch today?"
"PIZZAAAAAAAA!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ews08n/another_joke_about_tommy_who_has_no_arms_and_legs/
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Can a Ninja attack you from long distance?

shuriken!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewrmrs/can_a_ninja_attack_you_from_long_distance/
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Remembering the life of Jeffrey Epstein...

He touched so many. He will surely be missed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewrk17/remembering_the_life_of_jeffrey_epstein/
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I’ve been thinking about selling my theremin.

I haven’t touched it in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewrcjo/ive_been_thinking_about_selling_my_theremin/
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What is Yoda's transport vehicle called?

Toyoda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewr9sg/what_is_yodas_transport_vehicle_called/
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A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.

When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened?
FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe them.
You know, these politicians. They can lie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewr98e/a_farmer_saw_a_plane_full_of_politicians_crash/
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I went for a Chinese last night and got chatting to the waiter.

He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a Kamikaze pilot and his Code Name was 'Chow Mein'. I said "correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?"
To which he replied, "Yes but I was Chicken Chow Mein."....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewr6qc/i_went_for_a_chinese_last_night_and_got_chatting/
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A man applies for a job as a lumberjack

Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience?
Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years.
Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked?
The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir.
The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara desert?
Well sure, that's what they call it now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewr4uw/a_man_applies_for_a_job_as_a_lumberjack/
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

But the Englishman wanted to leave so they all had to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewqzz5/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_walk/
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I was so proud when I had lost 350 pounds

Mom: but honey, you never weighed more than 200 pounds.
Me: I know, I just dumped my girlfriend Karen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewqy7z/i_was_so_proud_when_i_had_lost_350_pounds/
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A kid at our local hospital was born without eyelids...

The doctor came up with this ingenious idea. When he circumcised the baby he took the skin and grafted it in his forehead above his eyes for eyelids.The operation was successful, however,he might come out a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewqvsi/a_kid_at_our_local_hospital_was_born_without/
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Never bother a gangster the night before he goes on holiday

He's probably packing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewqsyo/never_bother_a_gangster_the_night_before_he_goes/
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The best knock-knock joke I'll ever write...

Knock knock
"Who's there?"
Crazy ex-boyfriend.
"Crazy ex-boyfriend, who?"
(With feeling) Oh, I see. I get it! Now you don't even remember me, bitch?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewqstu/the_best_knockknock_joke_ill_ever_write/
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My math teacher called me average

I thought that was pretty mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewqnt4/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
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Little Johnny Learns Math

The teacher asked Little Johnny,  "What's two and two?" He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, "Four,  teacher?" She said, "Yes, that's right, but you counted on your  fingers.
"Put your hands behind your back and tell me what's  three and three." He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and  answered, "Six, teacher?" She said, "Yes, that's right, but you're still  counting on your fingers.
"Put your hands in your pockets and  tell me what's five and five." He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled  around, and replied, "Eleven, teacher?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewqmfe/little_johnny_learns_math/
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A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I  bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.
"It  was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they  just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted  to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my goodness!"  moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will  do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So  the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived  and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced  himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for  fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well,"  she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he  was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to  Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and  stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to  his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.  So that's exactly what I did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewqh8u/a_fifteenyearold_came_home_with_a_porsche_and_his/
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Sleeping with the minister's wife.

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife."
"Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After services, he starts talking to the Reverend, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally, the Minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike,  feeling guilty, finally confesses, "I'm sorry Sir, but my friend is  sleeping with your wife right now, he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says,
"Son. You’d better hurry home to your Wife...Because my wife died five years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewqggc/sleeping_with_the_ministers_wife/
%
One night a duck walks into a bar and says

"Got any grapes?" The bartender says:"Sorry but we don't serve grapes here.
The very next night the same duck enters the bar and says to the  bartender : "Got any grapes?" The bartender is annoyed and says: "Get  out of here duck. This is the second time I've told you we don't have  grapes here."
The duck, being a persistent little guy comes  back to the bar the very next night and asks the bartender: "Got any  grapes.?" The bartender is now very angry and says to the duck: "Listen  carefully, if you come in here asking for grapes again,  I'm gonna get  get out some nails and hammer your feet to the floor!!!" The little duck  ran out of the bar as fast as he could.
The next  night, the duck came back into the bar in spite of the bartenders  threat. He waddled up to the bartender and said: "Got any nails?" The  bartender says: "NO !!!."   The little duck then says: "Got any grapes  ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewqc8m/one_night_a_duck_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
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Husband & Inspector

\- Husband : I lost my wife , she went shopping and hasn't come back yet .
\- Inspector : What is her height ?
\- Husband : I never checked .
\- Inspector : Slim or healthy ?
\- Husband : Not slim , can be healthy .
\- Inspector : Color of eyes ?
\- Husband : Never noticed .
\- Inspector : Color of hair ?
\- Husband : Changes according to season .
\- Inspector : What was she wearing ?
\- Husband : Not sure if it was a dress or a suit .
\- Inspector : Was she driving ?
\- Husband : Yes .
\- Inspector : Color of the car ?
\- Husband : Black Audi A8 supercharged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode . And it has full LED headlights , which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door . . . . . . . . . . . . \* and the husband started crying \* .
\- Inspector : Don't worry sir . . . we will find your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewq7zj/husband_inspector/
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What does an American angry with his tire and a Brit delighted with his apartment have in common?

They're both mad about their flats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewq5pu/what_does_an_american_angry_with_his_tire_and_a/
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You know those sex houses?

The little wooden houses with the hole for your dick that people hang from trees?
Apparently those are for birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewq5nb/you_know_those_sex_houses/
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What does Reddit have in common with pirates?

It's the best place to trade stolen content for gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewpysc/what_does_reddit_have_in_common_with_pirates/
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Why is Antarctica sad?

cuz it's iceolated....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewpv2u/why_is_antarctica_sad/
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When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit"

He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewpujj/when_i_was_growing_up_my_dad_always_used_to_tell/
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Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.  'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today'.
'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewptgr/spaghetti/
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During an expropriation operation in the USSR, a man gets his bird collection seized by the KGB

The next day he shows up at the KGB's offices. An officer at the front desk recognizes him: "Ah, Comrade Vladysnich! I imagine you come here to reclaim your birds...".
"Not at all, Comrade", says the man, "I just came here to state on record that I completely disagree with my parrot's political ideas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewppjy/during_an_expropriation_operation_in_the_ussr_a/
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I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewphat/i_gently_slid_her_panties_to_the_side/
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An English lord suspected his wife of cheating

So he hires a private detective to follow her.
On Sunday they meet.
"Well Mortimer" says the lord "what have you discovered?"
"Well sir, on Saturday your wife left at a quarter past three, went into the city, met a man at a five to four, by half past six they left for the cinema, at nine they got into car, went into a villa in uptown London, got inside and were drinking champagne at eleven. At fifteen past they went into a bedroom, got naked and turned off the light."
"Nothing more?"
"I could see nothing more, sir."
"Don't worry Mortimer, you'll get them next time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewp6tx/an_english_lord_suspected_his_wife_of_cheating/
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Yo mama so fat

I took a picture of her last year and it's still printing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewp4io/yo_mama_so_fat/
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What did Jeffrey Dahmer keep in his shower?

Head and shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewp0j1/what_did_jeffrey_dahmer_keep_in_his_shower/
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I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt

But then it clicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewoy3s/i_couldnt_figure_out_how_to_fasten_my_seatbelt/
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Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.
She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewoluq/had_sex_with_my_girlfriend_a_couple_days_ago/
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My son wants to be a plumber when he grows up.

I told him that's a pipe dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewokwx/my_son_wants_to_be_a_plumber_when_he_grows_up/
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A Jewish boy was failing math.

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.
The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room and stayed there the entire night until it was time for bed. This continued for the entire semester. On the day of the next term, the boy came home as always, slammed his report card on the table with his coat, and proceeded upstairs. When the mother reviewed his report card, she was astonished to find he had gotten an A in math for the first time ever. Delighted, she ran upstairs to congratulate her son. She found him scribbling furiously in his notebook.
“Zach! You got an A! I’m so proud of you! Are the nuns really as good of teachers as Jodee said they were?”
“No.”
“Then what is it? How come you’ve gotten so good at math all of sudden?”
“Well mom, when I walked into that school and saw that poor man nailed the to the plus sign, I knew these Catholics were serious about this whole math thing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewoe9s/a_jewish_boy_was_failing_math/
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wedding night

A christian man and a christian woman get married.
The problem is, they're too christian, they don't know what to do at the wedding night.
So the man asks his father about it, his father says: 'Well...you just use your hardest body part and bump where she pee.'
The next day the father meets his son's wife, he couldn't help but asks: 'How was the last night?'
'Not so good.' The wife replies. 'He kept use his head to bump the toilet and I don't know why.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewocav/wedding_night/
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Welcome to Wuhan!

The city of masked heroes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewoc74/welcome_to_wuhan/
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My car was put into quarantine today

It had corollavirus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewo65l/my_car_was_put_into_quarantine_today/
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A Cherokee chief walks into a hotel lobby.

Hotel employee: “Sir, you have a reservation?”
The Native American facepalms: “Screw you, not this shit again.”
The chief walks away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewo3ps/a_cherokee_chief_walks_into_a_hotel_lobby/
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Did you hear about the guy that put his dick in a jar of peanut butter?

Now that guy was fucking nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewo2aj/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_put_his_dick_in_a/
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Coronavirus - Made in China

And so is the the hand sanitizer you will use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewnxn1/coronavirus_made_in_china/
%
What’s the difference between a boy scout and a Jew?

The Boy Scout comes home from camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewng2j/whats_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a_jew/
%
If you have bladder problems..

urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewndkr/if_you_have_bladder_problems/
%
(Nsfw)Went to pornhub the other day there was a lot of videos titled "bbc destroys teen"...

I don't know why the British Broadcasting Corporation is destroying the lives of teens..but I for one think it shows lack of journalistic integrity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewn7jz/nsfwwent_to_pornhub_the_other_day_there_was_a_lot/
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My parents always tell me that money doesn't grow on trees.

So then why do banks have branches?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewn6ts/my_parents_always_tell_me_that_money_doesnt_grow/
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What did 2 say to 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewn6rb/what_did_2_say_to_3_when_he_saw_6_acting_like_an/
%
I hate these paper straws..

They get soft before you're finished then i realize how my ex felt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewn4an/i_hate_these_paper_straws/
%
Is this an acceptable excuse?

A college  professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a  research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two  acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse.
2) A death in the student's immediate family.
The  class  smart aleck (believe me, there's always at least one in every  class!) raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual  exhaustion?" As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter. After  the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glare  and said, "Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how  to write with your other hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewmwo0/is_this_an_acceptable_excuse/
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Marketing terms explained

1. You see a beautiful girl at a party. You walk right over to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
\--That's direct marketing.
2.  You're at a party with friends and see a beautiful girl. One friend  goes over to her, points at you, and says, "He's fantastic in bed."
\--That's advertising.
3. You see a beautiful girl at a party. You get her phone number. You call  her later and say, "Hello. I'm fantastic in bed."
\--That's telemarketing.
4. You see a beautiful girl at a party. She walks over to you and says, "I  hear you're fantastic in bed."
\--That's brand recognition.
5. You see a beautiful girl at a party. You talk her into going out with  you. She even goes out with you a second time.
\--That's brand loyalty.
6. You see a beautiful girl at a party. You walk right over to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed!" She slaps your face.
\--That's customer feedback.
7. You see a beautiful girl at a party. You talk her into going home--with your friend.
\--That's a sales rep.
8. When your friend can't satisfy her, he calls you for help.
\--That's tech support.
9.  You're on your way to a party when you realize that there just might  be  beautiful women in all these houses you're passing. You climb a  telephone pole and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in  bed!"
\--That's spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewmw1p/marketing_terms_explained/
%
An old woman was being interviewed regarding her pending divorce...

An old woman was being interviewed regarding her pending divorce.  The judge asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About a four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said.  "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It's a made with concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued. "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied. "We have a two-car garage."
"Please," he tried again.  "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Ma'am please!  Why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't a want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me anymore!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewmv1q/an_old_woman_was_being_interviewed_regarding_her/
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When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest...

So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewmurg/when_a_guy_walks_into_a_room_full_of_other_guys/
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The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The  moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can  bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.     Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewmpqv/the_pastor_entered_his_donkey_in_a_race_and_it_won/
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Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”

Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewmnrv/guest_to_the_waiter_can_you_bring_me_what_the/
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Jesus is watching you

Late one night a burglar broke into a  house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is  watching you."
He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and  again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
In a dark corner, he saw a cage  with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said  Jesus is watching me"
The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar  asked, "What is your name?"
The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar  said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewmjjv/jesus_is_watching_you/
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A blonde walks into the library

. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read. It has no plot and far too many characters!"
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks: "Ahh… so you're the one who took our phone book."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewmat7/a_blonde_walks_into_the_library/
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Hey, what a nice dog you have there, what's his name?

- He's called Homeopathy.
- Can I pet him?
- Yeah sure, he won't do anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewm83n/hey_what_a_nice_dog_you_have_there_whats_his_name/
%
I think my plant is sick.

It's looking a little bit green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewm55l/i_think_my_plant_is_sick/
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What's your name?

The receptionist asks 007 his name
He replies "Bond...James Bond"
.
.
.
"I didn't ask for your middle name Bond Bond"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewm1bd/whats_your_name/
%
Two windmills are spinning in a field

When one windmill asks the other:
“What’s your favourite genre of music?
The other windmill replies:
“I’m a big metal fan!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewlnpv/two_windmills_are_spinning_in_a_field/
%
So, two hot girls asked me to join them for a threesome

No thanks, if i want to disappoint two people at the same time i will just talk to my parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewlmq6/so_two_hot_girls_asked_me_to_join_them_for_a/
%
Oral makes your day.

Anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewljzf/oral_makes_your_day/
%
Shit, Fuck and Manners were walking down the road

Shit falls down a hole.
Fuck runs to get help.
Eventually finds a policeman.
Fuck: I need your help quick!
Officer: Calm down, what’s your name?
Fuck: Fuck
Officer: Where are your manners?!
Fuck: Down the road picking shit up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewlgey/shit_fuck_and_manners_were_walking_down_the_road/
%
If I were American, I'd vote Bernie...

But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewlg0q/if_i_were_american_id_vote_bernie/
%
If i’m the night guard at the Samsung factory, does that make me a…

Guardian of the galaxy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewleb7/if_im_the_night_guard_at_the_samsung_factory_does/
%
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because there's no Tres passing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewldk5/why_do_mexicans_always_cross_the_border_in_twos/
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I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.

But nobody will do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewld86/ive_been_looking_for_my_ex_girlfriends_killer_for/
%
What do you call a duck drug addict?

A QUACKHEAD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewlcr0/what_do_you_call_a_duck_drug_addict/
%
A Man Walks into a police Station to report his missing friend

Man: “Hello, I’d like to report a missing person please.”
Police Officer: “Of course Sir, What’s the name?”
Man: “My friends name is Michael, he is in his mid 40s”
Police Officer: “Alright, How long had he Been Missing then Sir?”
Man: “Well he hasn’t been seen or heard from in nearly 3 weeks! I’ve been to his house and he isn’t there. No body knows where he could be! It’s really Not like Michael to be out of contact, he is normally such an involved friend and member of the community!”
Police Officer: “Next is, who saw him last and where was he last?”
Man: “I saw him last I think Sir, we had just had a pint at the pub and Michael said he had to go, see he said he had Volunteered himself to help out some thing called the Local Cannibal Club. And he was off to attend their ‘Open Mike Night’!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewlc0z/a_man_walks_into_a_police_station_to_report_his/
%
what do you call the king of sex?

fucking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewlaou/what_do_you_call_the_king_of_sex/
%
My Father always told me if it takes 5 minutes...Do it now.

Now, I’m a chronic masturbator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewkxgr/my_father_always_told_me_if_it_takes_5_minutesdo/
%
What is the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewkwbc/what_is_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
%
What's the difference between a clock and a surgeon that specializes in penis reconstruction?

One's a tick tock, the other's a dick doc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewkr4x/whats_the_difference_between_a_clock_and_a/
%
A man dies and goes to hell.

There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one.
First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours."
Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours."
He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours."
He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour."
"And the devil?"
The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewkaec/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.”
So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewjzx3/one_sunday_a_cowboy_went_to_church_when_he/
%
What did the Slovak chess player say when he won the match?

Czech-mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewjuv8/what_did_the_slovak_chess_player_say_when_he_won/
%
There's this kid named Tommy. He has no body. He is just a head.

Tommy was born without a body or any limbs, so his entire life he has existed as a head only-- he learned to roll around, use his mouth to maneuver things, and live just like a normal kid.
One day Tommy rolled into school just like any other day, banged against his locker to open it, started to get his books when, all of a sudden, he spots a new student.
Tommy thinks she's absolutely beautiful. Her hair is perfect, her body is amazing (which Tommy slightly envied, but had gotten over those thoughts mostly by now), and she had an amazing sense of fashion. There was just one thing off about this girl though; she only had one eye, and in place of her other eye was a prosthetic eye made of wood. It didn't even look like a real eye, it just looked wooden.
Tommy saw her and his jaw dropped to the floor-- "What's her name?" He asked a friend.
"Oh, her? That's Sally, the girl with a wooden eye."
Tommy saw past her wooden eye and was starstruck ever since he first laid eyes on Sally. He made it his mission to ask Sally to prom.
Weeks later, Tommy finally gathered the courage to ask his crush the big question. He rolled up to her in the cafeteria and said, "Hey Sally, I'm Tommy. I was wondering if you wanted to go to Prom with me?"
Sally looked down at him for a second, and said, " Uhmm.. I'm sorry Tommy.. I don't think so."
This devastated Tommy. He had felt all sorts of pain and denial in his life from not having a body. He knew what rejection and denial felt like having been left out of all the activities full bodied people could do. But nothing hurt quite as much as this. His heart was shattered. And then Tommy turned into a grape.
So now Tommy is a grape, just rolling around school, and he is depressed like never before. People see Tommy and notice that something is off with him. He's so depressed, that he turned into a grape.
Sally sees this and begins to feel really bad.
"Was I too harsh?" she asked a friend, " Maybe I should go try to make it up to him." Now Sally made it her mission to ask Tommy to the prom, and hopefully he would return to normal.
After school, Sally went by Tommy's house and knocked on the door. Tommy answered, and she was surprised for a second that a grape could answer the door-- but nonetheless, she moved forward with her mission.
"Tommy, I wanted to ask you something... Would you go to prom with me?"
Tommy didn't believe his ears for a second-- the most beautiful girl he had ever seen had just asked him to the prom! Without thinking, he replied,
"Oh wood eye, wood eye!"
Sally was offended and crushed him.
The moral of the story:
Stop while you're a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewjpsb/theres_this_kid_named_tommy_he_has_no_body_he_is/
%
The 4 hour erection...

I went to a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman I spoke to said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She asked if she could help me.
I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
* 1/3rd ownership in the store
* a company car
* A furnished house
* a king size bed and
* £3,000 a month in living expenses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewjng9/the_4_hour_erection/
%
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewjinm/cosmetic_surgery_used_to_be_such_a_taboo_subject/
%
I told an AMAZING joke to some zombies today...

... But all I got were moans and groans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewji94/i_told_an_amazing_joke_to_some_zombies_today/
%
If you're looking for a cheap or inexpensive meal try deer balls.

I hear they're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewj9wa/if_youre_looking_for_a_cheap_or_inexpensive_meal/
%
NSFW Two Vampires talking about their sex life.

Vampire 1: I like going down on my wife.
Vampire 2: Why?
Vampire 1: I just love how it taste. Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewj8k8/nsfw_two_vampires_talking_about_their_sex_life/
%
A-flat walks into a bar...

the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve minors here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewj7ci/aflat_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I was the Best man at my friend's second wedding

"Welcome back everyone!" was not a good opening to the speech I guess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewj5kc/i_was_the_best_man_at_my_friends_second_wedding/
%
A kid is with his mom at the checkout lane at a store...

All of a sudden a fat guy gets in line, so huge he can barely squeeze his way through the lane. The kid starts tugging on his mom's shirt and loudly exclaims "mommy mommy look there's a fat guy!" And the mother quickly hushes the child.
Then some time goes by, and the fat guy has an alarm set on his phone to go off at a certain time, and so it goes off: "beep...beep...beep". Then the child start tugging on his mothers shirt again and loudly exclaims
"Watch out mommy, He's backing up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewj385/a_kid_is_with_his_mom_at_the_checkout_lane_at_a/
%
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?

Well I’ll be damned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewj2td/what_did_the_atheist_say_upon_dying_and_meeting/
%
What do you do when you're weirdly attracted to a chess player, but can't make out whether they're a guy or a girl?

Check and mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewizs5/what_do_you_do_when_youre_weirdly_attracted_to_a/
%
A man walks into his bedroom to find his wife having sex with another man

Shocked, he exclaims “What the hell are you two doing?”
The wife smiles, looks at her lover and says “See, I told you he was stupid!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewiyjo/a_man_walks_into_his_bedroom_to_find_his_wife/
%
As an immigration officer, I might not always agree with you.

But I can see where you are coming from...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewiw4e/as_an_immigration_officer_i_might_not_always/
%
People told me that a vasectomy would totally change sex for me.

But it didn't have a vas deferens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewivlo/people_told_me_that_a_vasectomy_would_totally/
%
What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite NSFW activity?

IT'S FUCKING RAW!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewivbx/whats_gordon_ramsays_favorite_nsfw_activity/
%
They say I have the legs of a dancer..

##
but until they find the rest of the body the cops have got nothing on me man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewiu6w/they_say_i_have_the_legs_of_a_dancer/
%
My wife said that I was stupid, and had no sense of direction

I was so insulted that I packed my stuff and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewitmk/my_wife_said_that_i_was_stupid_and_had_no_sense/
%
I’m proud to say I’ve taught myself to play the guitar in just a few months.

Want to know my secret? Stay tuned...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewimml/im_proud_to_say_ive_taught_myself_to_play_the/
%
I could talk about auto-erotic asphyxiation until I'm blue in the face.

It's to die for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewil8r/i_could_talk_about_autoerotic_asphyxiation_until/
%
I just realized my countertop is made of marble..

I have been taking it for granite all these years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewiieo/i_just_realized_my_countertop_is_made_of_marble/
%
A pirate walks into a bar.

Attached to his crotch is the steering wheel to his ship.
Curious, the bartender asks, “why is that attached to your crotch?”
The pirate replies “argh! I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewi65d/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Is there anything more weeby than Kabuki?

Noh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewhllh/is_there_anything_more_weeby_than_kabuki/
%
Nsfw Joke: Know what my problem with straight guys is?

They're fucking pussies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewhgom/nsfw_joke_know_what_my_problem_with_straight_guys/
%
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket and thinks

Some asshole has my pen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewguyf/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_front/
%
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewguto/i_met_a_14_year_old_girl_on_the_internet_she_was/
%
A man walks into a bar

and asks for the strongest thing they’ve got.
The bartender says, “Woah, what happened?”
“I just found out my eldest son is gay” the man replies.
The next week the man comes back and asks for the same drink.
The bartender says, “what happened this time?”
“I just found out my other son is gay as well.” Replies the man.
The best week the man comes back and asks for the same drink.
The bartender says, “Jesus man! Does anyone in your family like women!?”
The man replies, “ yeah, my wife.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewgnkr/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A lion takes a drink in the Serengeti

So there’s this lion in the Serengeti and he goes to drink water from a puddle. It’s the dry season and he’s happy, so he’s there drinking the water with his tail in the air. All the sudden this gorilla comes out of nowhere from behind and gives him the old Liberachi. Then the gorilla takes off, and the lions like oh fuck, and takes off after him. So the gorilla is running through the jungle trying to get away from the lion and gets to a clearing with all these tents where humans are. No one is there so he ducks into a tent and puts a hat on, grabs the New York Times, and tries to be chill. The lion comes and ducks his head into the tent and says “did you see a gorilla come through here?” And the gorilla goes “oh you mean the one that just fucked that lion in the ass?” And the lion goes”its already in the papers??”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewglpq/a_lion_takes_a_drink_in_the_serengeti/
%
I went to a zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.

It's so sad to see them bread in captivity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewghqe/i_went_to_a_zoo_and_saw_a_baguette_in_a_cage/
%
Dyslexics Beware! (OC)

Tomorrow is Friday the 31st!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewgesd/dyslexics_beware_oc/
%
Why does KFC have no toilet paper?

Because it’s finger licking good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewgdgo/why_does_kfc_have_no_toilet_paper/
%
The best thing about opening presents signed by "mom and dad"

Is the fact that my dad is just as surprised about what's in there as I am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewg8ei/the_best_thing_about_opening_presents_signed_by/
%
I went on a date with a blind chick the other day.

We made it back to my place and things started getting hot when she reached up my pants.
She said " Damn! You have the biggest dick I've ever played with!"
I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewg2n3/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_blind_chick_the_other_day/
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What do Casper and Kylie Jenner have in common?

Transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewg0lm/what_do_casper_and_kylie_jenner_have_in_common/
%
The William Shatner wanted to start up a line of female underwear.

Unfortunately "Shatner Panties" wasnt the greatest brand name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewfz91/the_william_shatner_wanted_to_start_up_a_line_of/
%
[NSFW] Anal virginity reminds me of leftover pasta

squishy and delicious, but soon forgotten

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewfmtz/nsfw_anal_virginity_reminds_me_of_leftover_pasta/
%
My wife thinks I care more about gambling than our kids.

That isn't true at all. I am going to stay in this casino until I win our daughter's tuition back to prove it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewfb3k/my_wife_thinks_i_care_more_about_gambling_than/
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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewf9on/i_asked_a_librarian_if_she_had_a_book_about/
%
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem

I call it my Trail mix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewf3ea/i_made_a_playlist_for_hiking_it_has_music_from/
%
Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744 at the age of 43

Though his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewf20k/swedish_astronomer_andres_celcius_died_in_1744_at/
%
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?

Because you’re taking my breath away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewev7i/girl_are_you_the_wuhan_corona_virus/
%
For almost the last ten years, I've received a Valentine's Day card from the same secret admirer. So I was really hurt and upset when I didn't receive one this year.

First me granny dies, now this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewef46/for_almost_the_last_ten_years_ive_received_a/
%
Did you hear about the beer made entirely out of rabbits, frogs and kangaroos?

It’s mostly hops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eweepy/did_you_hear_about_the_beer_made_entirely_out_of/
%
Where do turtles get gas

The shell station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eweeel/where_do_turtles_get_gas/
%
Mr. Waetherman's tips to combating boredom.

Mr.  and Mrs. Weatherman are retired. Mrs. Weatherman insists that Mr.  Weatherman go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping.  He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Weatherman loves to browse.  Here's a letter sent to her from the store:
Dear  Mrs. Weatherman, Over the past six months, your husband has been  causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior  and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all  incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against  Mr. Weatherman are listed below.
Things Mr. Denny Weatherman has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ... and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7.  Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other  shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding  department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the *Mission: Impossible* theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14.  Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the  fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewdqpo/mr_waethermans_tips_to_combating_boredom/
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3 guys are drinking in a bar

when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mums  the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mum and it was so good Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mum liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewdq4i/3_guys_are_drinking_in_a_bar/
%
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One  day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we  played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me  one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if  there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,  "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all  possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A  couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound  sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,  "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it ?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The  good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet,  all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than  that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and  it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we  want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams !" "So, what's the bad news ?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday's match !!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewdk5p/two_90_year_old_men_mike_and_joe_have_been/
%
Bob was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was  really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in  the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE  THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his  wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box  gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on  her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewdfnm/bob_was_in_trouble/
%
when i was five, my dad put snowballs in the blender to make a slushie

i miss snowballs, she was a good cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewdex8/when_i_was_five_my_dad_put_snowballs_in_the/
%
Frank gets a job on a fishing boat in Alaska. The town has no women

He goes to the local bar. Again, no women. He asks the bartender what they all do when the get horny.
“For $50, you can take ol’ Jim out back and have your way with him.”
Frank, disgusted, replies “No way, I ain’t  into that gay shit!” And storms out.
Few months later when his boat has finally returned to harbor, he’s hungry and horny. He goes back to the same bar and goes up to the bartender again.
“Still no women, huh?”
“Nope. Ol’ Jim offer’s still good though.” Replies the bartender.
Frank thinks about it for a minute. “Still $50?”
“Yes sir”
“Alright, fuck it. Where’s he at?”
Bartender says “I’ll go get him. Just give me a couple minutes to tie him up and I’ll come getcha.”
Frank is taken aback “why in the hell would you tie him up?”
“Sheeeit, ol’ Jim ain’t into that gay shit either”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewd7oc/frank_gets_a_job_on_a_fishing_boat_in_alaska_the/
%
What did the cannibal get when he was late to lunch with his wife?

The cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewd6ql/what_did_the_cannibal_get_when_he_was_late_to/
%
In avengers endgame when Thor cuts off thanos' head with an axe some blood hits nebula.

I guess you could she's covered in axe body spray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewd5q8/in_avengers_endgame_when_thor_cuts_off_thanos/
%
Two Nuns cycling down a Church Lane. One says I have never come this way before.

The other Nun says, nor have I, must be the cobbles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewd20j/two_nuns_cycling_down_a_church_lane_one_says_i/
%
What do you call a masturbating monarch?

Wan king

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewcvnl/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_monarch/
%
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewcpeb/my_wife_gave_me_an_ultimatum_it_was_either_her_or/
%
A Ninja was on a Mission

A ninja was on a very sneaky assassination mission. As he crept through the compound and avoided detection, he finally laid eyes on his target. As sort of a tradition, the ninja would always whisper to his weapons before going in for the kill. As he prepared to kill the target, the ninja equipped a throwing star and whispered to it, "Are you sure you can do this?" The throwing star replied, "Are you kidding? I'm shuriken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewce9a/a_ninja_was_on_a_mission/
%
A guy was walking to a bar

and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. The guy gets to the bar, and his friends ask why he's so late. He tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked. "Wow," the friends are ecstatic and give him props and ask if he got head. The guy replies, "I couldn't find it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewc8wp/a_guy_was_walking_to_a_bar/
%
A too-soon Kobe joke

Q: What does Kobe now have in common with his helicopter?
A: They both have torn rotators.
(Let the downvotes begin)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewc858/a_toosoon_kobe_joke/
%
A man calls 911 in a hurry. "911, what's your emergency?" the operator asks. "My wife has just gone into labor," the man tells her.

"Is this her first-born child?" asks the operator.
"No," the man replies. "This is her husband."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewbuok/a_man_calls_911_in_a_hurry_911_whats_your/
%
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"
Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."
Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewbse3/doctor_just_told_a_nun_that_she_is_pregnant/
%
What do musicians do once they die?

They decompose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewbodi/what_do_musicians_do_once_they_die/
%
Why should you always trust an audio engineer?

Because they give sound advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewbmxt/why_should_you_always_trust_an_audio_engineer/
%
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewbl39/job_interviewer_and_where_would_you_see_yourself/
%
Have you heard about the new Divorced Barbie?

It comes with all of Ken’s shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewbaj7/have_you_heard_about_the_new_divorced_barbie/
%
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two
I'm sorry...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewaypc/what_did_the_drummer_call_his_twin_daughters/
%
Be careful, I just received a scam phone call saying I had won tickets to see a tribute act for Elvis Presley or £20,000. Cash.

It said press one for the money. Or two for the show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewau04/be_careful_i_just_received_a_scam_phone_call/
%
Ya know what I can’t get over?

A fence about 6 feet high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewaojz/ya_know_what_i_cant_get_over/
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

Yeah, we're really supposed to believe that happens randomly?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewaoa4/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A foreign reporter asked a Beijing citizen for his opinion on the government's handling of the Corona virus

"I can't say"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewadqh/a_foreign_reporter_asked_a_beijing_citizen_for/
%
My wife said to me, "Why don't you throw yourself a pity party?"

I answered, "Because no one would show up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewadnd/my_wife_said_to_me_why_dont_you_throw_yourself_a/
%
A Jewish Grandmother Is Watching Her Grandson Play On The Beach.

All of a sudden, a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She looks up and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ewa9ns/a_jewish_grandmother_is_watching_her_grandson/
%
I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew9ynd/i_think_my_wife_is_putting_glue_on_my_rifle/
%
Heavy Metal Icon Rob Halford abandoned fame to live as a monk in a Tibetan monastery...

Buddhist Priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew9sr4/heavy_metal_icon_rob_halford_abandoned_fame_to/
%
What is a cannibals favorite way to celebrate?

A Donner party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew9spl/what_is_a_cannibals_favorite_way_to_celebrate/
%
I used to keep a tally of how many times I would read about unrest in the Middle East...

But only stopped because of the Taliban.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew9jke/i_used_to_keep_a_tally_of_how_many_times_i_would/
%
How much space will Brexit free up in the EU?

1GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew9ite/how_much_space_will_brexit_free_up_in_the_eu/
%
I recently came fourth in the National Weatherman Awards

I won a trophy for precipitation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew9fio/i_recently_came_fourth_in_the_national_weatherman/
%
In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop was still in business and is still at the same location.
The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life.
The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there.
After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims "Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew95za/in_his_grandfathers_overcoat_pocket_a_man_finds_a/
%
What’s the opposite of formaldehyde?

casualdejekyll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew94bh/whats_the_opposite_of_formaldehyde/
%
What is a priest's favorite guitar chord?

Gsus......you sick bastards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew8zw1/what_is_a_priests_favorite_guitar_chord/
%
My group of friends and I were getting completely destroyed at a game of charades

These deaf people must be cheating or something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew8ud6/my_group_of_friends_and_i_were_getting_completely/
%
Turkey can now finally join the EU

Why? Well because now that the UK has left, there's 1 GB of free space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew8th8/turkey_can_now_finally_join_the_eu/
%
My buddy had one of his testicles removed after finding a lump...

He's very serious about his mashed potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew8raf/my_buddy_had_one_of_his_testicles_removed_after/
%
Did you hear Gaston from Beauty and the Beast won a major award?

He won the No Belle Prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew8li5/did_you_hear_gaston_from_beauty_and_the_beast_won/
%
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew8dwr/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
I was talking to a coworker about a project I was working on at home. I didn’t have enough space so I told her I wish I could turn 4 inches into 8

She said she wishes her husband could too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew8a8q/i_was_talking_to_a_coworker_about_a_project_i_was/
%
Anal sex is like getting your first crappy and old bike

You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew89k4/anal_sex_is_like_getting_your_first_crappy_and/
%
The worst part about working at the fire hydrant factory...

is that you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
(Credit: Steven Wright.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew81vl/the_worst_part_about_working_at_the_fire_hydrant/
%
One shouldn't make jokes about midgets getting head

Cus that would be a low blow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew7yxd/one_shouldnt_make_jokes_about_midgets_getting_head/
%
What do you call a vegetable that isn't very good?

A subparsnip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew7qpr/what_do_you_call_a_vegetable_that_isnt_very_good/
%
I made a playlist for hiking with music from Eminem, the Cranberries and the Peanuts.

I call it my Trail Mix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew7jtg/i_made_a_playlist_for_hiking_with_music_from/
%
What's the difference between my brother and my freezer

My freezer doesn't cry when I put my meat in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew7gwd/whats_the_difference_between_my_brother_and_my/
%
People that say fuck a lot

...are generally fucking happier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew7905/people_that_say_fuck_a_lot/
%
I wonder why Kevin Spacey is such a good guitarist.

Probably because he’s had a lot of practise fingering minors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew6z1a/i_wonder_why_kevin_spacey_is_such_a_good_guitarist/
%
"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew6vdp/your_wifes_test_results_indicate_she_has_either/
%
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly, and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew6va3/women_always_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
%
Gf left me

My girlfriend left me because I have Alopecia.......
Nevermind, Hair loss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew6u18/gf_left_me/
%
I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew6qi5/i_went_to_the_doctors_recently/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping?

It's okay, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew6no5/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping/
%
TIL wooden shoe failure is responsible for multiple deaths each year in the Netherlands. The incidents are archived on this government website.

The Broken Clog Croakin' Blog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew5xpi/til_wooden_shoe_failure_is_responsible_for/
%
Why do fertility doctors make so much money?

Because sex cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew5g4o/why_do_fertility_doctors_make_so_much_money/
%
my aunt’s ex husband used to call her his "meadow muffin" and she thought it was sweet

until she found out meadow muffin is another phrase for "cow shit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew59me/my_aunts_ex_husband_used_to_call_her_his_meadow/
%
A man walks into a bar...

...after a long day and proceeds to drink. Meanwhile he gets friendly with this well dressed chap near him.
After some beers this new friend says " Dude do you know that if you drink whiskey here you can fly temporarily ?"
"What ? That's absurd !! Ok prove it to me right now !!" says the man, wisely.
The well dressed guy removed his coat, and then proceeds to jump out the window. He does a somersault and some tricks and comes back in safely.
"Your turn " he says.
The man, who now has complete faith in the dude proceeds to take a shot of whiskey and jumped out through the window. He fell and broke most of his bones.
As he was being taken away in the ambulance, the bartender comes up to him and says " Damn... Superman can be real mean when he is drunk !!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew54gj/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew4v7x/hear_about_the_guy_that_dipped_his_balls_in/
%
Life Lesson

A man sits down on a park bench next to a little boy. The man notices the boy is eating chocolate bars, one after another.
After a few minutes, the man says "You won't live very long, eating candy like that."
The boy replies, "I don't know, my grandfather lived to be 101 years old."
"He did it by gorging himself with chocolate?" the man asks, sarcastically.
"No," the boy says, "he did it by minding his own fuckin' business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew4ucj/life_lesson/
%
I made a belt out of watches once.

It was a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew4o3e/i_made_a_belt_out_of_watches_once/
%
Why didn't the apple and orange get married?

Because fruit cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew4nhg/why_didnt_the_apple_and_orange_get_married/
%
What is the difference between a burnt cake and a pregnant woman?

If you had taken it out earlier, it wouldn’t have happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew4ky4/what_is_the_difference_between_a_burnt_cake_and_a/
%
What was Stevie Wonder and Emperor Palpatine's favorite thing about dreaming.

Visions of the dark side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew4j90/what_was_stevie_wonder_and_emperor_palpatines/
%
It’s been 15 years since the show ended, but people are still making “Friends” references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew4hs9/its_been_15_years_since_the_show_ended_but_people/
%
Last night was the first time I had sex with a prostitute, so she made sure I wasn't nervous

It was a whoresome experience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew4clb/last_night_was_the_first_time_i_had_sex_with_a/
%
i call myself terms and conditions

because y'all keep ignoring me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew417h/i_call_myself_terms_and_conditions/
%
Relay Runners

You’ve got to hand it to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew3jzo/relay_runners/
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Police came around last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes

My dogs don’t even have bikes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew3gf4/police_came_around_last_night_and_told_me_my_dogs/
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I been having these electrical impulse to be more reckless

I've been grounded so many times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew3bd1/i_been_having_these_electrical_impulse_to_be_more/
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Why are newspapers still used?

So you can have extra toilet paper with whoever you hate on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew2sw0/why_are_newspapers_still_used/
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3 pilots (call them Aron, Ben Craig) crashed on an island inhabited by cannibal Indigenous peoples. They were captured, tied and about to be skinned.

But they were given the chance to free them selves by going into the forest, get 10 of the same fruits, within 2 hours and bring it back. They were untied and fast they go running into the deep forest.  Within 30 mins, Aron came back. He showed to the cannibals 10 apples, only to know the fruits he found should be shoved up his ass by himself. If he fails, his head will be crushed with a boulder immediately.  A big fucking stone is now being tied few meters above his head as Aron started to shove in an apple slowly up his ass. He only made it to the 4th apple before he couldnt hold it and his ass just shitted out all the apples and BAAM!! the big stone were dropped on his head and it's safe to say he went to heaven.
after and hour, Ben came back and brought with him 10 grapes. he was asked to do the same thing as Aron did. So he open his pants and slowly putting the grapes in his ass with a big fucking bloody stone is being tied, hanging few meters above his head. 1 grape in.... 2 grape in...3...4...6.....8.....9....
BAAM!! the stone were dropped on his head and safe to say, he also went to heaven where he met Aron.
Aron: dude!! you died too? did they make you shove the fruits up your ass?!
Ben: WTF! was that your blood on the stone?!
Aron: yea man fuck them, what fruit did you get?
Ben: oh yea i found some grapes
Aron: Grapes?! those are fuckin easy, they made me shove apples up my ass and by the 4th one, i couldnt take it anymore. they spewed out my ass and here i am now.
Ben: nah man hear me out, the grapes were easy shit. i almost got it. i was on the 9th grape, but I couldnt hold it man. i litterally laughed my ass off when i saw craig coming from a far carrying 10 fuckin durians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew2qkj/3_pilots_call_them_aron_ben_craig_crashed_on_an/
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So I stumbled across a new genre of porn... Circus Porn...

Turns out it’s Fucking In-Tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew2nvi/so_i_stumbled_across_a_new_genre_of_porn_circus/
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I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there’s no money in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew2k16/i_always_carry_a_picture_of_my_wife_and_children/
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A father names has 3 daughters named Petal, Flower, and Brick

Petal asks "dad, why was I named Petal?"
He says a petal fell from out of nowhere and landed on her forehead right after she was born so he named her Petal.
Flower asks "so, dad why was I named Flower?"
He says a flower fell from out of nowhere and landed on her forehead as well right after she was born so he named her Flower.
Finally Brick asks "daaaa ahhhhh tthhhhhahhh!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew2gf8/a_father_names_has_3_daughters_named_petal_flower/
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How do women get excersice?

By jumping to conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew25l5/how_do_women_get_excersice/
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Gender and sex are not the same thing.

I have gender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew1za7/gender_and_sex_are_not_the_same_thing/
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A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

Including my name, address and phone number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew1vdb/a_lot_of_things_are_going_to_change_since_i_got/
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Who's the idiot now?

In ancient Greek the word “idiot” meant anyone who wasn’t a politician.
Today it's the exact opposite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew1tyz/whos_the_idiot_now/
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My new girlfriend wants to fight my ex but I told her that would be a bad idea.

Because my Xbox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew1qwj/my_new_girlfriend_wants_to_fight_my_ex_but_i_told/
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One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”

“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew1q27/one_shop_owner_asks_another_so_have_you_had_any/
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Ardy goes to a super market,

He buys his groceries, and goes to the checkout.
Ardy gets all of his items scanned, and pays for the food.
When Ardy gets his change back, he notices that he is one dollar short, and tells the cashier.
The cashier is adamant that he gave Ardy the proper amount of change.
Ardy and the cashier get into a huge argument which ends with Ardy choking the cashier until he passes out on the floor.
A manager, who had just noticed the fight, comes over and starts yelling at Ardy, "Sir why did you choke the cashier!?"
Ardy replies, "He only gave me $3 of change while my actual change was $4, so I choked him."
The manager looks at the computer and says, "Sir he gave you the correct amount of change, now I'm going to call the police!"
Before the manager could call the police however, Ardy starts choking him while saying, "Give me my change!" He does this until the manager passes out next to the cashier.
While the whole commotion was happening, a bystander had called the police and soon they arrived and caught and arrested Ardy for aggravated assault
The next day, in the news paper, the front headline said,
"Ardy Chokes Two for One Dollar at the Supermarket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew1fv1/ardy_goes_to_a_super_market/
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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:
"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:
1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environment is very hot and no overtime is paid.
5. I work in dark and damp environments without any air.
6. I don't have any holidays, celebration leaves or annual vacations.
7. I have no social security despite the fact that I have a high risk of contracting a disease during work.
Therefore, I kindly submit this request for your evaluation."
The management board discussed his request and responded as such:
"Dear Penis, we have assessed your request for a raise but unfortunately it is declined due to reasons listed below:
1. You cannot work for straight 8 hours without any pause.
2. You sometimes leave the premises before your job is done.
3. You act on your own accord and you sometimes take more interest in others' workplaces rather than your own.
4. You do not wear equipment when you work and you object to the notion when you are reminded of it.
5. You cannot start working on your own, you always require incentive and motivation.
6. You leave a dirty mess behind you when your work is done.
7. You get tired very easily and you sleep for hours, sometimes days.
8. You get picky about the job to be done and decline doing job offers, you act maladjusted to company's wishes.
9. You are rendered unable to work before 60 years old.
And also as a side note, the fact that you are always seen with two balls makes you look like a weirdo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew10ek/the_penis_requested_a_wage_raise_from_his_company/
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What do you call cousins who sleep together?

Nap kins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew0xi0/what_do_you_call_cousins_who_sleep_together/
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Redditors with the coronavirus be like



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ew0qsc/redditors_with_the_coronavirus_be_like/
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They say honesty is the best policy

But if you don't have the ability to lie when needed, you are a liability

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evzumk/they_say_honesty_is_the_best_policy/
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What do cell phone settings and anal bleaching have in common?

Both change your ring tone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evzsn4/what_do_cell_phone_settings_and_anal_bleaching/
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Winter is here and our native birds are having difficulty finding food. Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for them.

There is no finer sight on a winter’s morning than a pair of tits round your nut sack; however it’s a bit early to expect a swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evzsc3/winter_is_here_and_our_native_birds_are_having/
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What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?

Nickel-less Cage!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evzr4n/what_do_you_call_a_cage_filled_with_quarters/
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If the line you're waiting in is too long...

Just cough and say "this damn cough  I got since I got back from China".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evzpxm/if_the_line_youre_waiting_in_is_too_long/
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A man fell from the Empire State Building

A man fell out of a window from the Empire State Building, but luckily he survived the fall.
Even luckier is that there was a doctor on the sidewalk across the street. Naturally, the doctor ran to the man and asked what happened.
The man replied, “I don’t know, I just got here myself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evzpaf/a_man_fell_from_the_empire_state_building/
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Shortness

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evzk1g/shortness/
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I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evz5sx/i_have_six_goldfish_named_major_minor_flat_nine/
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A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the man said and hung up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evz5fp/a_man_telephoned_an_airline_office_in_new_york/
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A libertarian, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar. How do you know which is which?

Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evz4n1/a_libertarian_a_vegan_and_a_crossfitter_walk_into/
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It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner. "What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or No," she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evz2nn/it_was_mealtime_on_a_small_airline_and_the_flight/
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An old man and his wife want to have a baby...

So they go to the fertility doctor. The doctor tells them to collect a semen sample, and gives them a little jar for the specimen.
A few days later, the exasperated couples return to the fertility clinic.
The doctor notices that the jar is empty, and asks why they didn’t collect the sample.
The old man looks at the doctor and says,”I tried it with my right hand. I tried it with my left hand. My wife tried it with her right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her teeth in, then tried it with her teeth out. I tried it with my teeth in, then tried it with my teeth out!”
The doctor looked at the old man, sizing him up, trying to figure this last part out...
The old man says,” We couldn’t get the damned lid off the damned jar!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evz2k8/an_old_man_and_his_wife_want_to_have_a_baby/
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A good job

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?” He replied, “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evyxxf/a_good_job/
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what’s the difference between an old tire and 100 used condoms?

one was a GoodYear, the other a great year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evyumd/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_tire_and_100/
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A man walked by a stand giving away free samples of fruit punch. He saw that the line was too long so he came back an hour later and guess what he saw!

There’s no punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evyqsn/a_man_walked_by_a_stand_giving_away_free_samples/
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what are mario’s overalls made of?

denim denim denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evyoof/what_are_marios_overalls_made_of/
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What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

See you in a month!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evyfyb/what_did_the_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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I accidentally put a glue stick in my wife's purse and she thought it was Chapstick

She hasn't said a word to me since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evyfko/i_accidentally_put_a_glue_stick_in_my_wifes_purse/
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A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and stands at the foot of his bed next to his wife who is reading...

"See here, this is what I have sex with every  time you have a headache." said the farmer.
"Honey, I do believe that is a sheep you are holding." said the wife.
"I do believe I wasn't talking to you." said the farmer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evy9z0/a_farmer_walks_into_his_bedroom_with_a_sheep/
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When I was a child I was forced to work in a German sausage factory.

It was the wurst experience of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evy2mx/when_i_was_a_child_i_was_forced_to_work_in_a/
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What does the boss bacteria call his employees?

His staph

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evxwts/what_does_the_boss_bacteria_call_his_employees/
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Why doesn’t the NFL like having women refs?

Because they would bring up penalties from two years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evxscc/why_doesnt_the_nfl_like_having_women_refs/
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Why can't anyone photograph grizzlies wearing shoes or socks?

Because they have bear feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evxrw4/why_cant_anyone_photograph_grizzlies_wearing/
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Do you know why Stevie Wonder can't see his friends?

Cuz he's married!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evxonr/do_you_know_why_stevie_wonder_cant_see_his_friends/
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(For people in health related occupations) Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?
HIPAA
HIPAA who?
I can’t tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evxm5b/for_people_in_health_related_occupations_knock/
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When lawyers go fishing, why do they throw back the sharks?

Professional curteousy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evxj2z/when_lawyers_go_fishing_why_do_they_throw_back/
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I told my friend that I shot a donkey.

“You’re lying.” he said.
I replied, “No, deadass!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evxbs0/i_told_my_friend_that_i_shot_a_donkey/
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I quit my job at the helium factory today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evx98r/i_quit_my_job_at_the_helium_factory_today/
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Just found out that Keith Richards and Mick Jagger were killed when a car driven by David Crosby crashed into them. I hope it’s not true, but if it is,

it’ll be the first time two Stones were killed with one Byrd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evx6mn/just_found_out_that_keith_richards_and_mick/
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It's really hard to say what my wife does for a living...

She sells seashells by the seashore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evx6hk/its_really_hard_to_say_what_my_wife_does_for_a/
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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evx4mh/teacher_kids_what_does_the_chicken_give_you/
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“Veni, Vidi, Vici” - Julius Caesar

“Vidi, Vici, Veni” - A Rapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evx0rd/veni_vidi_vici_julius_caesar/
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I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.

Apparently the preferred term is 'conjoined twins'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evwzrv/i_called_two_girls_hipsters_and_got_slapped/
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How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl giggle?

Ten tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evwlj0/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_japanese/
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Two antennas got married. The wedding was boring but ...

... the reception was excellent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evwi8w/two_antennas_got_married_the_wedding_was_boring/
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I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list….

I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evwgqm/i_just_read_the_100_things_to_do_before_you_die/
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— So my wife left me yesterday. She said she was gonna move in with Simon, my best friend.

— Since when is Simon your best friend?
— Since yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evwbw0/so_my_wife_left_me_yesterday_she_said_she_was/
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Freud walks into a bar.

"I'll bet $100 that I can outdrink anybody in this bar!" he declares.
"Well clearly you have an ego", says the barman.  "I'll allow the contest but first I need to see some id."
"Oh OK", replies Freud. "I'll have a glass of water please, I'm parched."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evw1cc/freud_walks_into_a_bar/
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I was reading a book about helium

I couldn't put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evvx4w/i_was_reading_a_book_about_helium/
%
My girlfriend is a just a simple whiskey maker.

But I love her still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evvnhz/my_girlfriend_is_a_just_a_simple_whiskey_maker/
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Why didn't the potato chips believe anything the sandwich said?

Because the sandwich was full of baloney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evve98/why_didnt_the_potato_chips_believe_anything_the/
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What is the most popular dad joke in Alabama

Hi cumming, im dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evvb8l/what_is_the_most_popular_dad_joke_in_alabama/
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I named my horse Mayo...

...Because Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evv9dd/i_named_my_horse_mayo/
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Trump secret service.

The President is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assasin steps in front of him and aims a gun at him. A secret service agent, new on the job yells, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assasin and he is captured. Later the new secret service agent’s Supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What the hell made you shout, “Mickey Mouse!” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous and meant to shout... “Donald, duck!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evv8we/trump_secret_service/
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How much space will Brexit free up in the European Union?

1 GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evv7k8/how_much_space_will_brexit_free_up_in_the/
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Twenty years ago, we still had Steve Jobs. Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.

Now we have no Jobs, no Cash, and no Hope. God help us when Kevin Bacon dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evv5ns/twenty_years_ago_we_still_had_steve_jobs_johnny/
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Today, I saw a guy with two big containers of laxitive coming out of Costco.

And I though, I bet that guy is full of crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evusz0/today_i_saw_a_guy_with_two_big_containers_of/
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Two cats tried to cross a river

There were 2 cats
The first cat name was One Two Three and the other Un Deux Trois.
They both tried to cross a river, but only One Two Three made it. Why?
Cuz Un Deux Trois Cat Sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evurt7/two_cats_tried_to_cross_a_river/
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A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.
The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.
Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.
The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.
“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”
“Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.
“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”
“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evuq0s/a_mailman_notices_a_mailbox_with_the_flag_up/
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Two Gay men are on a long overnight flight.

One gay man says to the other "Hey you want to join the mile high club right here?"
The other gay man replied "Here? We will get caught!"
The first man smiles and says "Relax everyone is asleep. Watch" he then stands up and says "Does anyone have a pencil?" To which he recieves no response. This is enough for the other gay man who stands up and gets behind the man at which point they have sex.
A few hours later a flight attendant walking down the down the aisle see an old man who has thrown up all over himself. She asks the man "Sir why didn't you ask for a vomit bag?"
To which the old man replied "Well the last guy asked for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evud0g/two_gay_men_are_on_a_long_overnight_flight/
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Bialy and Bagel Factory

The health inspector goes to make his surprise visit to a bialy and bagel factory for it's annual inspection.  There, he see a large, hairy shirtless man picking up bialy dough from a conveyor belt and pressing it into his man boob, living the bialy indentation and putting it back on the conveyor belt.  Appalled, the health inspector finds the factory manager and unloads on him.
"This is terrible and unsanitary1" the health inspector says "I have half a mind to just shutter this place now once and for all!  You tell that man to stop it this instant!"
Sheepishly, the manager goes to the foreman and says "Tell Stanley no more pushing the dough into his breast when making bialy."
As the foreman begins to walk away, the manager stops him and adds "Oh.  And tell him we're not going to be making the bagels today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evu9vp/bialy_and_bagel_factory/
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A husband and wife have been married for 10 years.

They're very happy with each other, and have a healthy sex life. After a while though, the husband starts to notice something odd. Every time after they make love, his wife reaches over and starts to play with his dick. Granted, it feels good so he thinks nothing of it, but he's still curious.
Finally one day he decides he's going to ask. After a good love making session, sure enough after he's done his wife reaches over and starts playing. "Honey," he asks, "I gotta know something. Everytime after we're done, you reach over and start playing with my dick. Why?"
" I don't know," she responds. " I guess I just miss mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evu8jv/a_husband_and_wife_have_been_married_for_10_years/
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bill the bartender has a regular who enjoys his drink made a certain way

he's a doctor and every day he comes to bill's bar at 18:30 on the dot to order his daiquiri with crushed walnuts. bill keeps a bag of walnuts under the bar ready for him. one day as bill sees the doctor enter his bar he reaches for a walnut but the bag is empty. he grabs some hickory nuts in stead thinking the doctor won't notice and makes him up his usual. the doctor takes his drink and has a sip. he frowns. 'this isn't my walnut drink is it?' he says. 'sorry, i'm afraid it's a hickory daiquiri, doc' says bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evu3r1/bill_the_bartender_has_a_regular_who_enjoys_his/
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"I hate when I walk into a room and forgot why I went in there"

**Patient grabbing my ankle:** EpiPen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evtvy8/i_hate_when_i_walk_into_a_room_and_forgot_why_i/
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A man asked a mermaid "Why do you wear seashells ?"

The mermaid replied "I grew out of my B-shells"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evtg15/a_man_asked_a_mermaid_why_do_you_wear_seashells/
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What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?

A brothel sprout
(I’ll let myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evszaz/what_do_you_call_a_kid_who_is_born_in_a_whorehouse/
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The curious customer

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evsycn/the_curious_customer/
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My brother was just fired from his job at the bank. A customer with a broken leg came in and asked if he could check his balance...

so he pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evsfux/my_brother_was_just_fired_from_his_job_at_the/
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A salesman trying to sell vacuum cleaners knocks on the door and the mother answers

Before she can say two words, the salesman pushes past her and throws a bag of horse shit on the carpet. The mother is understandably furious.
\- What the HELL do you think you're doing?!
The salesman doesn't lose his composure, after all, he's confident in his product.
\- Ma'am, I will gladly eat anything off this carpet that this vacuum cleaner can't get off.
\- Well then I better get you some whipped cream because the power is out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evsex6/a_salesman_trying_to_sell_vacuum_cleaners_knocks/
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Yo mama so ugly that when she posted nudes to 4chan

The website’s name changed to mis4chan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evsbwt/yo_mama_so_ugly_that_when_she_posted_nudes_to/
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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.
Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"
Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"
Son: "No, it doesn't."
Father: "Then no, you can't have any."
The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette.
Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?"
Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
Son: "No."
Father: "Then you can't try it."
The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500.
Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?"
Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?"
Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!"
Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evs59n/does_your_dick_touch_your_asshole/
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My kids are running around blowing a party noisemaker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"

I look up, straight-faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."
My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
\*\*Originally posted r/DadJokes last night but I thought a wider audience might appreciate this as well. \*\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evs4dz/my_kids_are_running_around_blowing_a_party/
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A man goes to the doctor for a check up and is asked by the doctor, "how often do you have sex with your wife ?"

Man: Almost everyday.
Doctor: 2 or 3 times a week?
Man: no almost everyday, on sunday, almost, Monday, almost, yesterday almost ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evrwbt/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_check_up_and_is/
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I gave away all my dead batteries today...

Free of charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evrvys/i_gave_away_all_my_dead_batteries_today/
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evrrgc/a_new_priest_at_his_first_mass_was_so_nervous_he/
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What did the airline stewardess say to the passenger who whispered in her ear that his last dying wish was to join the mile high club?

*I don't give a flying fuck.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evrgxm/what_did_the_airline_stewardess_say_to_the/
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A bunny walks into the bakery.

There he asks the baker if he has any carrot cake.
The bakers says: ‘no, I don’t sell carrot cake.’
So the bunny leaves, but returns the next day. He once again if the baker has any carrot cake.
Once more the baker answers: ‘no, I don’t sell carrot cake.’
Once the bunny left the baker started making a carrot cake thinking the bunny would return the next day for the cake. And so the bunny did, and he asks: ‘do you have carrot cake?’
To which the bakers answers: ‘yes, today I do sell carrot cake.’
So the Bunny says: ‘disgusting isn’t it.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evrd45/a_bunny_walks_into_the_bakery/
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What's another word for dementia?

Memopause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evqp9z/whats_another_word_for_dementia/
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I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver...

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evqoqb/i_just_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_taxi_driver/
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A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion...
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evqnq5/a_hawaii_woodpecker_and_a_california_woodpecker/
%
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

If it had four, it'd be a chicken sedan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evqn6t/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_two_doors/
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How do we call a virus that was originated in anti vaxxers?

Moronavirus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evqk76/how_do_we_call_a_virus_that_was_originated_in/
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Brexit has been approved.

Now the EU has 1 GB more space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evqj5r/brexit_has_been_approved/
%
During the Vietnam war what was the Americans favourite game to play?

Mine sweeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evqevj/during_the_vietnam_war_what_was_the_americans/
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A man goes to see his doctor.

Doctor: Sir, you need to stop masturbating.
Man: Why do I need to stop masturbating?
Doctor: Because I’m trying to examine you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evqe0v/a_man_goes_to_see_his_doctor/
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What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evpws9/what_is_the_worst_combination_of_illnesses/
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Wish Granted by Genie

A middle aged man was walking along the beach one day, when he stumbles and discovers a small brass lamp. Rubbing it, a genie appears and offers to grant him just one wish.
After careful thought, the man says, "All of my life, I have wanted to visit Hawaii. But I am deathly afraid of flying and airplanes. I wish for a bridge from the west coast to the islands so that I can safely drive there."
The genie responds with incredulity and dismay. "You really don't understand what it is that you're asking for!! The number of miles to span and the amount of cement, steel and concrete required, along with the sheer brilliance in engineering that is needed! It's too much! You need to think of something else."
After another long pause, the man responds, "Okay, well then, I would really just like to understand women. How they think. Why they do the things that they do. Their mysterious ways! Please give me the ability to understand women!"
The genie answers, "Okay, do you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evpr61/wish_granted_by_genie/
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What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?

Very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evpibx/what_do_a_midget_and_a_dwarf_have_in_common/
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What is the difference between ignorance & apathy?

Who knows?
Who cares?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evphzb/what_is_the_difference_between_ignorance_apathy/
%
Australian kiss is like French kiss

But down under

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evpbjk/australian_kiss_is_like_french_kiss/
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Alabama friend

So I was talking with my friend who lives in Alabama:
Him: I have to get a gift for my Sister my Mom and my Girlfriend
Me: Dang that's a lot of money what are you thinking?
Him: It's not a lot of money I only have to buy one gift.
PS:  I am not good with singular jokes I'm more of a conversational comedian. Have mercy on my karma lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evp3b7/alabama_friend/
%
An American investment banker

was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied: “Only a little while."
The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he has enough to support his family’s immediate needs.
The American then asked: “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “15 – 20 years.”
“But what then?” asked the Mexican.
The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!”
“Millions – then what?”
The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evp2ko/an_american_investment_banker/
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My psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD,

I told him that it was impossible because there is no disorder in my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evp0ho/my_psychiatrist_diagnosed_me_with_ocd/
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Why should u buy a WiFi enabled espresso machine?

To get the latest Java updates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evozwb/why_should_u_buy_a_wifi_enabled_espresso_machine/
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The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Nashville, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1- These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads
Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The First Floor has wives that love sex.
The Second Floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer         The Third, Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evotz5/the_husband_store/
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Why did the sexually frustrated martian tell the famous astro-physicist to cross the road?

DeGrasse looked greener on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evota8/why_did_the_sexually_frustrated_martian_tell_the/
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Dwayne Johnson is getting kinky with his wife.

She pulls out a whip an spanks him. He sighs, clearly upset, and she asks him what’s wrong.
He replies, “You’ve finally hit Rock bottom.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evo98h/dwayne_johnson_is_getting_kinky_with_his_wife/
%
My math teacher was feeling depressed.

I told him he should get to the root of the problem quickly before he starts feeling sinusoidal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evo5fy/my_math_teacher_was_feeling_depressed/
%
Love is like fart.

If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evo4kk/love_is_like_fart/
%
What goes in stiff and dry and comes out wet and floppy.

A tea bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evo25y/what_goes_in_stiff_and_dry_and_comes_out_wet_and/
%
How can you can you spot a fake Van Gogh painting?

On the back, it'll be labeled "Ear-Regular."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evnvb2/how_can_you_can_you_spot_a_fake_van_gogh_painting/
%
What do you call a slow bullet?

A slug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evnun3/what_do_you_call_a_slow_bullet/
%
What has 4 wheels and flies?

Garbage truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evntsl/what_has_4_wheels_and_flies/
%
You know what happens when you have bladder infection?

Urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evnt3f/you_know_what_happens_when_you_have_bladder/
%
Did you hear about the hungry clock?

It went back for seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evnrx6/did_you_hear_about_the_hungry_clock/
%
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties – he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”
She replied: “My upper half you can see, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same – she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit, but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?”
He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evnppq/anna_had_lost_her_husband_almost_four_years_ago/
%
I used to think my girlfriend referred to me as a camel because I drank a lot of water...

Turns out it was because she could never get more than two humps out of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evnor0/i_used_to_think_my_girlfriend_referred_to_me_as_a/
%
Revolutionary medicine that cures Lyme Disease, but causes Tourette’s

Now that’s gonna cause a lot of nervous tics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evnnqs/revolutionary_medicine_that_cures_lyme_disease/
%
I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician.

And I have a Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evnmey/i_have_a_russian_friend_whos_a_sound_technician/
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I asked the boss what to do with the roll of bubble wrap we had delivered. "Just pop it in the corner," he said.

4 fucking hours that took me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evn5e0/i_asked_the_boss_what_to_do_with_the_roll_of/
%
A guy goes to the doctor.

When they are done with all the checkup they proceed to do the prostate exam.
In the middle of it the doctor says:
-"Don't worry it's perfectly normal to get an erection during a prostate checkup"
Guy: -"But I don't have an erection"
Doc: -"Yes, but I do"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evn4c4/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
A Catholic girl's prayer...

“O Virgin Mother, thou who did conceive without sinning, teach me to sin without conceiving.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evn0s1/a_catholic_girls_prayer/
%
Dad’s are like a boomerang

At least I hope so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evmz5d/dads_are_like_a_boomerang/
%
How many people does it take to start a pandemic?

Only Wuhan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evmv3i/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_start_a_pandemic/
%
I care about how girls feel.

The firmer the better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evmuwp/i_care_about_how_girls_feel/
%
I am 25 years and counting sober from using heroine!

I am 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evmulc/i_am_25_years_and_counting_sober_from_using/
%
As I stared at the hot water flowing towards my shower drain I realized something.

It's all downhill from here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evms3q/as_i_stared_at_the_hot_water_flowing_towards_my/
%
So a baby seal walks into a club...

So a baby seal walks into a club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evmbci/so_a_baby_seal_walks_into_a_club/
%
What do you call a condom inside a condom inside a condom

Contraception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evm83y/what_do_you_call_a_condom_inside_a_condom_inside/
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There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings

It was called "Accessories To The Crime"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evm5x7/theres_shop_in_the_mall_selling_ice_picks_knives/
%
I drank a lot of alcohol on the airport last night.

I now have a terminal hangover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evm3pa/i_drank_a_lot_of_alcohol_on_the_airport_last_night/
%
While browsing the charity shop window I spotted sign that read "4k 60 inch widescreen for $1 because volume is stuck on full" I thought

I can't turn that down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evlytb/while_browsing_the_charity_shop_window_i_spotted/
%
You can make joke about anything except Mexicans...

That would be crossing the border

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evlv0g/you_can_make_joke_about_anything_except_mexicans/
%
I once farted in an apple store.

They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evlu28/i_once_farted_in_an_apple_store/
%
What's the difference between a chestnut and a walnut?

It depends on how long you edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evlt9w/whats_the_difference_between_a_chestnut_and_a/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

-0.8959441702
...
...
...
^^^^^cos(789)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evlnj0/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
My wife says I can't pronounce Frederick properly.

**DOCTOR:** What? Can you say it again?
**ME:** Frederick
**DOCTOR:** Your pronunciation is perfect, tell your wife that you don't have any problem with that.
**MY WIFE:** What did the doctor said?
**ME:** The doctor said that there is nothing wrong with my pronunciation so I don't want to hear anything else about that nonsense. I'm going to take a beer from the Frederick and watch the match.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evlgom/my_wife_says_i_cant_pronounce_frederick_properly/
%
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evl217/not_to_brag_but_ive_satisfied_every_waitress_that/
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Little Timmy and the Outhouse

There was a child on a farm named Timmy. Now Timmy loved growing up on the farm with his family. He enjoyed helping out in the fields, he loved feeding the sheep and cows, and he was always happy to help out in the barn. The one thing Timmy did not like, was having to clean out the outhouse. He absolutely hated that.
Now one day there was a massive storm. Rain was coming down in sheets and it lasted so long that the small river than ran next to the outhouse swelled up so high that the outhouse was only about a foot away from it. Little Timmy saw this and realized this could be his chance to get rid of the outhouse.
He ran and got one of his dads shovels and some planks and quickly ran over to the side of the outhouse to dig away the dirt and lever it up with the planks. Finally, he gave it one last hard shove and the entire outhouse toppled into the river and drifted downstream.
Little Timmy was pretty happy with himself until later that night, while he was in the kitchen helping his mother make supper, his dad walked into the house. Now little Timmy saw his dads face, as his dad began to take off his belt, and knew the game was up, so he thought fast and decided his best chance was to immediately come clean.
"Pa."
"Yes son"
" I pushed the outhouse into the river"
"I know that son. Now bend over"
At this Little Timmy was taken aback, "but pa, George Washington told how he cut down the cherry tree and he didn't get in trouble for it".
His dad pauses for a moment, before replying "son. George Washington's dad wasn't IN the cherry tree"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evkxn6/little_timmy_and_the_outhouse/
%
Two friends meet after a long time...

Two friends meet after a long time. One of them asks the other:
"How's your sexlife?"
He responds: "Pretty crazy actually, i'm doing it with twins".
"Wow", the first one says, "isn't this complicated? How do you tell the two apart?"
"Oh that's easy, Lisa has a birthmark on her thigh and Patrick has a lot of hair around his balls"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evkwrm/two_friends_meet_after_a_long_time/
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Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evkvu6/why_do_men_give_their_jackets_to_women_when_they/
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How do you get yourself to quit smoking?

By deciding to smoke only after sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evktag/how_do_you_get_yourself_to_quit_smoking/
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I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide.

To which I responded “Safaris pretty good.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evjurt/i_was_on_a_trip_in_africa_when_i_was_asked_to/
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I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that old people can use smartphones

The elder scrolls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evjrwm/i_guess_i_shouldnt_be_surprised_that_old_people/
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What do you call a country, comprised solely of female deer, giving money to charity?

A doe nation donation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evjr2f/what_do_you_call_a_country_comprised_solely_of/
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A camel can work all week without drinking..

A man can drink all week without working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evjn3x/a_camel_can_work_all_week_without_drinking/
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Sex is like water, most of the time you can get it for free...

But it’s generally a much higher quality if you pay for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evjn0v/sex_is_like_water_most_of_the_time_you_can_get_it/
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What type of bread do redditors hate the most?

The *Rick* roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evjil8/what_type_of_bread_do_redditors_hate_the_most/
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My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evjddx/my_girlfriends_dog_died_so_i_tried_to_cheer_her/
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A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it.
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f...!!!
Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realised only You have Brakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evj8ey/a_boy_was_having_sex_with_a_girl_on_a_railway/
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Write it down, folks. It's a good one!

From the legendary Hal Roach:
Paddy Flanagan is the first man in his small country town to buy a motorcycle and he takes his friend Seamus for a ride.
They are buzzing along through the glens and hills when Seamus begs for a break. "The wind is coming through my jacket and cutting me chest up." Thinking quick, Paddy tells Seamus to turn his jacket around so it closes up the back and he won't have any more issues with the wind. "Good idea," says Seamus as he turns his jacket around and they are on their way.
Now a good ways from town, out beyond the pastures and dairies, Paddy stops to see how Seamus is feeling. At his shock, Seamus is missing from the back of the bike! Paddy turns around and heads back, where, a mile down the road, he sees a group of farmers standing in the middle of the street.
As he approaches, he sees Seamus laying motionless on the road. "Aw shite," exclaims Paddy, "is he alive?"
"Ay, he was," says one of the farmers. "he was even talking to us, right up until we spun his head around the right way!"
Write it down, folks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evixhi/write_it_down_folks_its_a_good_one/
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It isn’t a moral failing to become addicted to drugs. It’s only a moral failing if you have to turn to illicit activities to pay for your drugs.

Like banking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eviwxa/it_isnt_a_moral_failing_to_become_addicted_to/
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Did you here about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?

Well now he's all right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eviu01/did_you_here_about_the_goblin_that_got_his_left/
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What is the name of the Mexican man who lost his car yesterday ?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evir6d/what_is_the_name_of_the_mexican_man_who_lost_his/
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Yo Mamma is So Fat.....

when she moons people, they turn into werewolves.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evin8e/yo_mamma_is_so_fat/
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An aging blonde heard that milk can rejuvenate her skin and make her look young again.

So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the mistake.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eviiqu/an_aging_blonde_heard_that_milk_can_rejuvenate/
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If someone in Wuhan could travel one month back in time, would he/she stop the epidemic?

No, he/she would be the 9th arrested for spreading false rumour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evih4h/if_someone_in_wuhan_could_travel_one_month_back/
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Ted Bundy: Hey Jeff, got any ice cream in the freezer?

Jeffrey Dahmer: Nah man, only Ben and Jerry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evidzv/ted_bundy_hey_jeff_got_any_ice_cream_in_the/
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When two people kiss, they create a long tube....

...with a butt hole at each end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evicv4/when_two_people_kiss_they_create_a_long_tube/
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I asked a homeless woman if I could take her home with me

I don't know why she was so angry when I put her cardboard box in my trunk and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evhv8p/i_asked_a_homeless_woman_if_i_could_take_her_home/
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Doctor: You should really stop mastrubating...

Me: Why?
Doctor: I'm starting to get uncomfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evhslw/doctor_you_should_really_stop_mastrubating/
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3 men are stranded on an island

While on their search for food they were captured by the tribesmen on the island. the tribesmen took the three men to their chieftain to see what he wanted to do with them.
The chieftain ordered the three men to go and collect 10 fruits for him and come back.
The first man returns with 10 apples. The chieftain instruct him that he must put all ten apples up his rear end but cannot make any facial expressions otherwise he will be killed but should he be able to complete the task he would be set free.
The man was able to muster up eight apples before making a facial expression and was killed.
The second man returns with 10 grapes. The chieftain told him that his friend failed the challenge and instructs the second man to also put all 10 grapes up his rear end but cannot make any facial expressions otherwise he will be killed but again assured him that should he be able to complete the task he would be set free.
The man easily inserted 9 grapes up his rear end but began to giggle.
The chieftain was rather disappointed because he expected him to finish the challenge with ease but asked him why he was giggling.
The second man said:
"The last fella went looking for pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evhscj/3_men_are_stranded_on_an_island/
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[NSFW] A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.
After handing his the keys, the sales man hands him a jar of Vaseline and says “if you want to keep the fender looking shiny you will want to rub some Vaseline on the fenders before it rains. It’ll stop the water from making spots and rusting the metal.” The guys thanks him and goes to pick up his girlfriend.
The girlfriend says “in my family we have a weird thing where we don’t talk during dinner, in fact the one that talks has to do the dishes.” The guy thought odd but I’ll play along. They arrive at her family’s home and there are dirty dishes piled everywhere. On the floor, tables, chairs, dirty dishes just stacked everywhere.
Introductions are made and the family sits down to dinner where everyone falls silent. The guy thought, I could have some fun with this. He grabs the girlfriend by the waist, pulls her close, passionately kissing her. Silence at the table. He begins undressing himself and her, throws her on the table, and begins feverishly making love to her. Still silence. They finish, and the meal continues as if nothing had happened.
The guy thinks ok let’s see how far this can go. He grabs his girlfriends mother, throws her into his arms and plants a big kiss on her. Dead. Silence. He grabs her, throws her down on the dirty dish covered table, and makes love to her as well. He finishes and not a word is said. Just then in the distance he hears thunder. Remembering the salesmans advice from earlier he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the jar of Vaseline. Just then the father stands up and shouts “fine I’ll do the damn dishes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evhhnr/nsfw_a_man_buys_a_new_motorcycle_on_the_day_he_is/
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The Greeks invented sex.

The Romans introduced it to women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evh8ke/the_greeks_invented_sex/
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An atheist, a vegan, and a cross-fitter walk into a bar...

And everybody knows within ten minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evh8dk/an_atheist_a_vegan_and_a_crossfitter_walk_into_a/
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Inspired by a u/Goshfather writing prompts response

Kotopoulos and Alogos are sitting in a bar in ancient Thebes. Kotopoulos is speaking to his friend saying, “...So I’m looking both ways, and getting ready to cross the street, when all of a sudden—hey, Alogos! Why the long face? I’m tryina tell a story here!”
Suddenly the man sitting on the other side of Alogos bursts out laughing drunkenly, exclaiming, “‘Cuzzz he hazza face that looks like hiz ASSSS!HAAAAAHahahaaaa!”
Alogos jumps off his barstool and grabs the stranger by his toga. “HEY MOTHERFUCKER! Who the HELL do you think you are?” The stranger stands suddenly very serious (albeit still quite drunk) and replies, “M’names Oedipus, and how’d you know I’mma motherfucker?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evh5iq/inspired_by_a_ugoshfather_writing_prompts_response/
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Why don’t birds care where they poop?

Because it’s.. beneath them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evh4b3/why_dont_birds_care_where_they_poop/
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My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs...

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evh3si/my_wife_has_a_tattoo_of_a_shell_on_the_inside_of/
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Comedy is just....

Some antics with semantics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evh2zg/comedy_is_just/
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How do blind people know when they’re done wiping?

No seriously. Help me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evh1by/how_do_blind_people_know_when_theyre_done_wiping/
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A couple went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered the Chicken Surprise.

When the food arrived it was in a cast iron pot.
The boyfriend reached over only to have the lid pop up, and staring back at him were two beady eyes. Then the lid slammed down.
The couple was weirded out by this, but the boyfriend reached over again only to have the lid pop back up and have those beady eyes staring at him. The lid slammed back down.
They called the waiter over and said, "We ordered the Chicken Surprise, and this thing is still alive!"
The waiter replied, "Oh so sorry. We accidentally give you Peking duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evh0dw/a_couple_went_to_a_chinese_restaurant_and_ordered/
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A programmer walks into a bar.

He gets a seat, and starts to whine about his day. He does it in a civil manner, so the bartender doesn't mind, but he whines.
First his girlfriend ditched him.
"I think the reason was I wasn't putting out enough. Still hurt." Said the programmer.
"That can be tough." Said the bartender.
Then, while he was grocery shopping, someone had hotwired his car. They found it in a ditch later.
"So someone basically stole and totalled my car." Said the programmer.
"That doesn't happen often. Maybe insurance can fix some of it." Said the bartender.
And then he told about his game broke, and got corrupted beyond repair.
"And the worst part is, I was nearly finished. Now I almost have to start over." Said the programmer.
"So, you lost your girlfriend, you lost your car..." Confirmed the bartender. "And even worse..."
"You just lost the game."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evgzy8/a_programmer_walks_into_a_bar/
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The difference between stupidity and genius is that

genius has its limits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evgy82/the_difference_between_stupidity_and_genius_is/
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Customer at home depot: is this spray good for wasps?

Me: No it kills them.
And that is how I got my first complaint of the day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evgxzj/customer_at_home_depot_is_this_spray_good_for/
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On a business trip to S.Korea

I ordered a Corona last night, the waiter had a Chinese guy come out of the kitchen and cough on me, I think there was something lost in translation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evgxu7/on_a_business_trip_to_skorea/
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Two Boys One Tampon

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy,
'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said.
"We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evguno/two_boys_one_tampon/
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How tall is a German with a cold?

Gesundheit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evgs89/how_tall_is_a_german_with_a_cold/
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How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and one to hold the penis... I mean ladder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evgjvw/how_many_freudian_psychologists_does_it_take_to/
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New Zealand Humor

(Stolen unashamedly from a comment on Quora)
Some years ago the Pope was visiting New Zealand as part of a world tour.
On a day when he had a few hours to spare he asked if he could be shown one of the famous beaches of New Zealand, so his hosts took him to a beautiful, secluded beach on the South Island.
As the Pope and his entourage were walking along the pristine sand, a sudden commotion in the water caught everyone’s attention—a man wearing a green and gold top was seen to be swimming furiously towards shore, with a great white shark in hot pursuit.
Just as it appeared that the Australian was about to be torn to pieces by the shark, a motor boat carrying four men wearing All-Black tops rounded the point.
They ran their boat directly at the shark and stabbed it with grappling hooks just before the shark reached the Australian. They then carefully lifted the man from the water and gently placed him on the bottom of their boat before turning the boat to go around the point again, with the shark in tow.
The Pope asked his entourage to get their attention—he wanted to talk to these heroic New Zealanders who had rescued a foreigner, and an Australian at that, from certain death.
As requested, the Kiwis turned their boat towards shore and glided gently up on the sand, next to where the Pope was standing.
His Holiness was effusive in his praise, saying that he had heard about possible bad relations between Australians and New Zealanders, but that their prompt action was an inspiration to all mankind, showing how people could live in peace and harmony, and selflessly help each other when help was needed.
After the Pope and his entourage left, one of the Kiwis asked: ‘Who the heck was that?’
One of his mates replied: ‘That was the Pope. He has direct communication with God and knows all there is to know about doctrinal matters’.
‘Well’, said his companion, ‘he knows stuff all about shark fishing. Anyway, is that bait still all right, or do we need to get another one?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evgj2u/new_zealand_humor/
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I was arrested the other day for wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear in public.

The officer said he was going to put me on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.
When I asked him why, he said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evg5si/i_was_arrested_the_other_day_for_wearing_nothing/
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A white guy in the elevator...

So there's a white guy standing in the elevator. Just as the door are about to close, a huge black guy gets in. He stretches his huge arms around the elevator and he says:
- Hi. I'm two meters high. Two meters wide. Have a half meter penis and a kilogram per testicle. I'm Turner Brown!
After hearing that. White guy instantly faints on the floor. It took about 20 minutes for the black guy to wake him up and he shouts:
-Dude are you ok??
- Yeah yeah...I'm fine...just, could you say that again???
- Sure! Says the black guy: Hi. I'm two meters high. Two meters wide. Have a half meter penis and a kilogram per testicle. I'm Turner Brown!
The white guys sighs with relief holding onto his heart...
- thank god...I thought you said turn around...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evfzz1/a_white_guy_in_the_elevator/
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Albert Einstein gets tricked

A man and Albert Einstein are sitting next to each other on a plane. Einstein keeps turning to the man and talking about how smart he is. Saying stuff like “oh people say in the smartest man alive”, or “I’m just so incredibly smart.” The man just ignores all of this and just reads his book. Finally Einstein catches his attention by giving him a challenge. He says “you can ask me any question in the world and if I can’t answer it, I’ll give you $500 but if I ask you a question and you can’t answer it, you only have to give me $5.” So the man takes the challenge and asks him the question, “what climbs up a hill on 4 legs and climbs down on 3?” So Einstein spends half the plane ride trying to figure out the problem. He has notes and papers everywhere while the man just reads his book. Finally after hours, Einstein gives up and hands the man $500 dollars like he promised. The man takes the money and goes back to reading his book. Einstein gives him a look and after a minute asks “what’s the answer?” The man sighs, sets down his book, and says “I have no idea” and hands Einstein a five dollar bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evfso3/albert_einstein_gets_tricked/
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A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.

One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her.  "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked.
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.
“Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evfs31/a_girl_was_a_prostitute_but_she_did_not_want_her/
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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’
The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’
The guy replies, ‘No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her.’
The boss says, ‘You fuck your sister?’
The guy replies, ‘Hey, I told you I was sick.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evfl2x/a_guy_takes_up_a_new_job/
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Help wanted

If you are seeking S&M counseling is it ok to ask for a rough estimate?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evfkta/help_wanted/
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Is your refrigerator running?

Because I may vote for it in 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evfiam/is_your_refrigerator_running/
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The Crocodiles Diet (not mine)

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; We were the
same size as kids. I just don’t get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evf29t/the_crocodiles_diet_not_mine/
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The Popes at the airport,

The popemobile broke down so he hails a taxi,
He demands the driver get him to the cathedral
in 10 minutes or less,
The driver says its impossible, the pope offers to drive,
The taxi driver considers the offer and eventually agrees and hops in the back seat,
The pope speeds off, 150 through city streets till hes
Inevitably pulled over
The police man steps over to the car sees whos driving and heads back to the his car confused,
He radios in and asks,
"Ive just pulled over someone really important and im not sure what the protocal is"
Radio replies.
"we get actors all the time just book him mate"
Officer: "no no, this guys way more important then that"
Radio: "if its a politician just let him go mate"
Officer: "listen man this guys way more important then that"
Radio: "just tell me what his name is"
Officer: "look i dont recognise him at all, but hes got the pope driving his taxi so hes gotta be someone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evf1eb/the_popes_at_the_airport/
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The opposite of formaldehyde

is casualdejekyll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eveyfv/the_opposite_of_formaldehyde/
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An engineer is standing outside of the Pearly Gates...

An engineer is standing outside of the Pearly Gates when St. Peter tells him "sorry, your in the wrong place."
The engineer instantly finds himself in Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort there, the engineer gets to work on improvements.
One day, God calls Satan to see how things are going. "Great!" Satan replies, " we've got central air and escalators now. There's no guessing what that engineer will come up with next!"
"You've got an engineer?" God asks, " send him back up, there's been a mistake. I'll sure!"
"Yeah right," Satan chuckles, " and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evexxe/an_engineer_is_standing_outside_of_the_pearly/
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What is atheism?

A non-prophet organization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eveqvl/what_is_atheism/
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What do puppies and near sighted gynecologists have in common?

Wet noses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evekf7/what_do_puppies_and_near_sighted_gynecologists/
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I recently had a problem getting things off my chest

Now I just use lighter weights at the bench press.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eveab3/i_recently_had_a_problem_getting_things_off_my/
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If life gives you melons

You might have dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eve99r/if_life_gives_you_melons/
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Feeling pretty confident right now

My girlfriend just told me I remind her of Leonardo DiCaprio.
She also said something about some movie about grapes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evdvbw/feeling_pretty_confident_right_now/
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The best part of getting a divorce is the food fight at the end

I love me a good old custardy battle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evd9up/the_best_part_of_getting_a_divorce_is_the_food/
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A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila
When he got home, he set them on the table
His son immediately picked up both bottles
The dad asks "What are you doing?!"
The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evd9qu/a_dad_was_depressed_so_he_went_to_the_liquor_store/
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Marketing: lets create a fun and exciting cereal

**Executive:** okay... go on.
**Marketing:** it’ll have cool colors and fruity flavors...
**Executive:** omg yes
**Marketing:** and rabbits can fuck right off if they think they can have some!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evd747/marketing_lets_create_a_fun_and_exciting_cereal/
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How do women get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

They spit it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evd4b4/how_do_women_get_rid_of_unwanted_pubic_hair/
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War joke for the lads

A man went to a church for confession he said to the preist, father I have sinned I have committed Aldulturey, the preist replied with everyone has their demons please tell me what happened, the man said a german girl who asked for shelter from the war came to me and I allowed although I was confused she insisted on repaying me somehow but she had not of money so she had reapaid me with several acts of let's say relief, the preist said it seems like what you have done is a very noble and praiseable thing all is forgiven aside from your payment you did help her, the man replied that takes a load off my shoulders one last thing though father should I have told her the war was over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evd10l/war_joke_for_the_lads/
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What is the most popular purebred dog?

The doughberman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evcqnp/what_is_the_most_popular_purebred_dog/
%
A Physicist, an Engineer and a Statistician go out hunting together...

The three of them are hunting for deer and manage to see one. The physicist attempts the shot by shooting directly at it.
He misses by 5 metres to the left.
Engineer: "you forgot to consider the wind resistance! Let me take a shot."
The Engineer takes a shot and missed by 5 metres to the right.
Statistician: "WE HIT IT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evch37/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_statistician_go_out/
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What are Christian hookers good at?

Missionary work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evc87f/what_are_christian_hookers_good_at/
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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment.  They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc.  But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups, calisthenics, working a punching bag doing jabs and other upper body strengthening exercises.
The other sperm are impressed, and the big money on Matt's making it to the egg first.
Finally the day comes, and it appears the human is on a date. There's rumbling down in the balls and blood flow all around begins to increase. It gets noticeably warmer.  Then comes the big warning bell.  "This is it guys," someone shouts out.  Matt jumps off the treadmill and heads toward the exit. He pushes his way through and is first in line. And then there it is, the siren and the big push of the climax.
Matt takes off like lightning, fast in the lead, leaving everyone way behind.  The other sperm are squiggling as fast as they can, but shaking their heads knowing it will be all over when they get there since Matt is certainly going to win this race.
Then suddenly, far in the distance, they hear a wailing sound.  And to their amazement they see Matt swimming against the rip tide, trying to come back.
Startled, all the sperm are wondering what's going on. And then, in the distance, they can hear Matt's voice wailing out in horror, "Go back! Go back! It's a blow job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evc7ml/a_group_of/
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I bumped into an old school friend today

. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evc6qu/i_bumped_into_an_old_school_friend_today/
%
How much does a chimney cost?

Nothing, its on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evc6lj/how_much_does_a_chimney_cost/
%
When you say the word "poop"

your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop.
The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evc2kp/when_you_say_the_word_poop/
%
So i blind man walks into a bar

And then a table.
And then a stool...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evbx7i/so_i_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evbvph/a_general_noticed_one_of_his_soldiers_behaving/
%
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evbshw/a_man_and_a_friend_are_playing_golf_one_day_at/
%
A husband and wife are having dinner at home and talking about death

Wife: If something happened to me and I died, would you ever marry another woman
Husband: Sure, I've enjoyed being married. I'm sure I'd find someone else
Wife: Would you still use these dinner plates?
Husband: Yeah, they're beautiful plates. I'd love to keep using them
Wife: Would you still drive the same car?
Husband: It's a wonderful car. As long as it still works I will drive it
Wife: Would you still live in this house?
Husband: Yes, I love this house. I don't see any reason to leave it.
Wife: Would you still use the same golf clubs?
Husband: Naw, she's a lefty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evbqiu/a_husband_and_wife_are_having_dinner_at_home_and/
%
Guy walks into a bar with a massive lizard on his shoulder

“What’s his name?” asks the bartender
“Tiny” says the guy
Seeing that the bartender looks puzzled, our guy clarifies: “Because he’s my newt”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evbm87/guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_massive_lizard_on_his/
%
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evbhb4/a_newlywed_farmer_and_his_wife_were_visited_by/
%
I don't like my job at the gym.

Time to turn in my too weak notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evbh3e/i_dont_like_my_job_at_the_gym/
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Why does the Vatican Buy Encryption Software?

To hide all their .pdf files

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evbbin/why_does_the_vatican_buy_encryption_software/
%
What do you call a rich reptile?

A chameleon-aire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evb2ml/what_do_you_call_a_rich_reptile/
%
I’m so straight

That I don’t even like girls because they like dick and that’s gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evb0tk/im_so_straight/
%
What do you call an angsty teenage robot?

A sigh borg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evayzh/what_do_you_call_an_angsty_teenage_robot/
%
Did you hear the joke about the Russian Dolls?

You probably won't get it. It's an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evat8x/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_russian_dolls/
%
What do you get from a cow with parkinsons

Milk shakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evamka/what_do_you_get_from_a_cow_with_parkinsons/
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What were the monster's first words after Dr. Franksenstein brought him back to life after sewing together different body parts?

Thanks for re-membering me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evaijy/what_were_the_monsters_first_words_after_dr/
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i went to jail for having a heart attack.

i guess you could say it was a cardiac arrest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evaibt/i_went_to_jail_for_having_a_heart_attack/
%
Jesus and the disciples went into a bar...

Jesus said, “Just order water.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evafgr/jesus_and_the_disciples_went_into_a_bar/
%
I didn't take my husband's name when I got married.

I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/evaf4m/i_didnt_take_my_husbands_name_when_i_got_married/
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A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work...

We were able to lift his coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eva6bp/a_friend_of_mine_used_to_be_morbidly_obese_but/
%
Doctor, my child refuses to eat meat! What can I replace it with?

Doctor: A dog. Dogs eat meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eva25t/doctor_my_child_refuses_to_eat_meat_what_can_i/
%
How do you get a washing machine to shut up?

Put a sock in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eva0q5/how_do_you_get_a_washing_machine_to_shut_up/
%
Why do programmers choose dark theme most of the time...

.....light attracts bugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev9qp8/why_do_programmers_choose_dark_theme_most_of_the/
%
A Mexican magician was doing a vanishing trick.

He said he'd disappear on the count of three.
Uno.
Dos.
*Poof!*
He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev9q5o/a_mexican_magician_was_doing_a_vanishing_trick/
%
I asked the doctor to amputate my arm...

I wanted to avoid second-hand smoke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev9jc9/i_asked_the_doctor_to_amputate_my_arm/
%
I used to date a tennis player...

But love meant nothing to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev9a19/i_used_to_date_a_tennis_player/
%
Racist joke from my childhood

A guy wants to be Polish.  He reads everything he can on Polish culture, eats only Polish food, dresses like the Polish, studies the language. He goes to the doctor to become more Polish.  The doctor says, there is a simple procedure- we will remove 1/3 of your brain and when you recover, you will be Polish.
So he has the operation and the doctor comes back and says he has some bad news- during the operation, there were complications with a blood clot and the only solution was to remove even more material, “I am afraid we removed almost half of your brain.” The patient throws his hands up in disgust and says, *Mama mia!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev99sr/racist_joke_from_my_childhood/
%
A guy looks for a job.

A guy looks for a job, sends his CV, and gets an interview.
Interviewer: Your CV says that you were a lumberjack in the Sahara.
Guy: Yes.
Interviewer: But there aren't trees in the Sahara.
Guy: There aren't trees in the Sahara now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev991d/a_guy_looks_for_a_job/
%
I went to a record shop and asked them for something by The Smiths.

The owner went out the back and came back with a longsword and pair of gauntlets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev8u1v/i_went_to_a_record_shop_and_asked_them_for/
%
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says,

"Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh." The next whale says, "Shut up, Steve. You're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev8m17/two_whales_walk_into_a_bar_the_first_one_says/
%
When my wife divorced me, she took everything and only left me one USB stick.

Thanks for the memory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev8j9p/when_my_wife_divorced_me_she_took_everything_and/
%
We should have known that the coronavirus was more severe sooner.

There were red flags everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev8dgd/we_should_have_known_that_the_coronavirus_was/
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How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev8bql/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I just got back from Australia

It was fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev8bmh/i_just_got_back_from_australia/
%
What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?

Pull down its genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev8b40/what_is_the_fastest_way_to_determine_the_sex_of_a/
%
My chiropractor recently started doing stand up comedy

He really cracks me up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev88pe/my_chiropractor_recently_started_doing_stand_up/
%
Did we really need a separate unit for water speed?

I think knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev7t84/did_we_really_need_a_separate_unit_for_water_speed/
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What do you say when your sister steps on your toe?

Mitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev7t4c/what_do_you_say_when_your_sister_steps_on_your_toe/
%
What do they call an abortion in Prague?

A cancelled Czech

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev7pya/what_do_they_call_an_abortion_in_prague/
%
I got my first message on Tinder!

The Tinder team is quite helpful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev7nxy/i_got_my_first_message_on_tinder/
%
I want to find the person who stole my toilet

but I have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev7mve/i_want_to_find_the_person_who_stole_my_toilet/
%
My son went to school in the Czech Republic just for the attractive women

He wanted to study a broad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev7ma6/my_son_went_to_school_in_the_czech_republic_just/
%
How do you cure depression ?

Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev7l6j/how_do_you_cure_depression/
%
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev7iq4/my_son_whos_into_astronomy_asked_me_how_stars_die/
%
The only thing flat-earthers fear...

...is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev7hdx/the_only_thing_flatearthers_fear/
%
Dad Jokes are great and here's why:

Why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev7642/dad_jokes_are_great_and_heres_why/
%
A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev731s/a_guy_sits_down_in_a_restaurant_and_orders_a_bowl/
%
There first 3 things I learned when I went to school.

1. I'm stupid
2. I suck at maths.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev6z8v/there_first_3_things_i_learned_when_i_went_to/
%
I starting wearing depressing outfits

It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev6y9y/i_starting_wearing_depressing_outfits/
%
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev6wf3/to_teach_kids_about_democracy_i_let_them_vote_on/
%
I got a new job at the owl sanctuary..

It’s night shifts but i hear it’s a real hoot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev6rpm/i_got_a_new_job_at_the_owl_sanctuary/
%
The number of times I've been without a girlfriend

I could count on one hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev6igx/the_number_of_times_ive_been_without_a_girlfriend/
%
Did you hear about the case between the boater and the swimmer?

It was better known as Row vs. Wade
I'll show myself out.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev6bjx/did_you_hear_about_the_case_between_the_boater/
%
Did you lose your virginity?

Mark: Actually, yes.
Chad: Really? With who?
Mark: You know that girl I dated last month? That curly long hair, green eyes, soft skin, amazing body?
Chad: Yeah, good jo...
Mark: Well, I fucked your sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev6a3z/did_you_lose_your_virginity/
%
How many Buzzfeed employees does it take to change the light bulb?

Nine. But number six will shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev66hk/how_many_buzzfeed_employees_does_it_take_to/
%
Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said:
“I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
“Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle…”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev66au/joe_and_john_were_identical_twins/
%
How do you make a perfect cakeday joke?

You dont. You just beg for Karma.
(Happy 5 years guys and gals)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev64v2/how_do_you_make_a_perfect_cakeday_joke/
%
Man asks the Waitress: "Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed:
"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev641v/man_asks_the_waitress_excuse_me_can_i_ask_you/
%
Am I perfect?

My exwife used to tell me that I am nobody. My mom told me that nobody is perfect. So if I am nobody and nobody is perfect, am I perfect?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev5ysm/am_i_perfect/
%
Really looking forward to the Superbowl this year. We get to see two of the best tight ends on the field...

Shakira and JLo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev5yfk/really_looking_forward_to_the_superbowl_this_year/
%
My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler.

but I'm going to do anything to win her back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev5wa7/my_wife_has_left_me_because_i_am_a_compulsive/
%
Jesus and Satan were arguing over whom should be able to walk the Earth...

God stepped in and told both of them to draft a detailed, 7 page, 10 font, MLA format, report as to why they deserve it.  He gave them 1 day to complete the report.
As they both were furiously typing and conducting web searches, and citing away, the final hour was upon them.  All of the sudden, God sneezes and the power goes out.  When he returns the power, they are both becoming frantic.
As the hour closes, Satan is even more red than ever.  He complains that God did it on purpose and that they need another dau, because he lost all of his work.  As God allows him to continue his tirade, Jesus walks over and hands his completed report to God.  Satan sees this and exclaims that Jesus was cheating.  God just looks at him and says, "No, Jesus saves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev5uzn/jesus_and_satan_were_arguing_over_whom_should_be/
%
Murder scene.

Sgt. Porker: This seems racially motivated.
Det. Ective: Hate crime?
Sgt. Porker: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev5rar/murder_scene/
%
"I can't ever see you again. I won't let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK."

**Trainer:** It was one sit up. You did one sit up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev5poi/i_cant_ever_see_you_again_i_wont_let_you_hurt_me/
%
Why can’t Australians catch the coronavirus?

Because we’re only intoxicated by the hard stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev5ofc/why_cant_australians_catch_the_coronavirus/
%
If I had a nickel for every time I had no clue what was going on..

I’d be like “why the fuck are you giving me all these nickels?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev5oe5/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_i_had_no_clue/
%
I would rather cuddle then have sex...

...You'll get it if you are good with grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev5kqs/i_would_rather_cuddle_then_have_sex/
%
Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him

but this isn't even my final form.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev5a82/friend_told_me_to_stop_filing_taxes_and_go_watch/
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[NSFW]An old dark joke

A kid returns home after playing baseball only to find his sister having sex with someone. He doesnt make a sound and hides in the closet. When their parents come home the man rushes and hides in the same closet.
The kid whispers, "Its dark in here, right?"
The man replies, "Yes, what do you want?"
"I have this awesome baseball gloves. Do you wanna buy it for $100?"
"No, its expensive"
"If you dont buy it, I am gonna tell my dad"
"Alright fine"
The kid forces the man to buy it and as promised he doesnt make a fuss.
A week later, the same thing happens again. He returns home, see his sister having sex with the same guy and again hides in the closet. Once again, when the parents return home, the man hides in the closet.
The kid starts, "Its dark in here, right?"
The man again replies, "Yes, what do you want this time?"
"I have this amazing baseball bat. Wanna buy it for $200?"
"No go away"
"If you dont buy it, I'll tell my dad"
"Okay, fine"
The kid forces the man to buy his bat as well.
With his earned $300, he goes to a shop and buys a good console and starts playing it in his home. When his dad asks how he got this, he replies that he sold his bat and gloves to a stranger and used that money to buy it. Being concerned, the dad takes the kid to the church and asks the Priest to make him understand. The Priest brings the kid to the prayer room.
The kid laughs, "Its dark in here, right?"
The man replies, "You start that again and I'll beat the shit out of you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev54ta/nsfwan_old_dark_joke/
%
I have trouble admitting my mistakes

It's not my fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev52qm/i_have_trouble_admitting_my_mistakes/
%
Why was 6 scared of 7?

Because 7 is a registered sex offender, there's nothing funny about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev4ywh/why_was_6_scared_of_7/
%
I was going to tell a joke about sodium

But I was like Na, someone already made that joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev4y7i/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
A dad was washing his car with his son.

After a while,  the son turned to his dad and said "Hey Dad, why can't we just use a sponge ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev4xvn/a_dad_was_washing_his_car_with_his_son/
%
Three Chinese brothers emigrated to the U.S.

They were told to change their names, Bu, Chu, and Fu, into names sounding more familiar for American ears, so Bu became Buck, Chu became Chuck, and Fu went back to China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev4n39/three_chinese_brothers_emigrated_to_the_us/
%
University Woes..

THE son of a multibillionaire mogul goes to study in Europe. One night, he phones his parents.
Dad: How’s your life going, son?
Son: It’s going well, Dad.
Dad: Is something wrong? You don’t sound happy.
Son: No, Dad, everything’s fine. Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here.
Dad: Son, tell me the truth. I know something’s not right.
Son: Dad, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my college with my gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Dad: My dear son, why didn’t you say so earlier? I will send you 15 million euro this instant. Please stop embarrassing us and go and get yourself a train, too..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev4il1/university_woes/
%
The Japanese were winning at at start of the war

But they lost midway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev4fgo/the_japanese_were_winning_at_at_start_of_the_war/
%
[NSFW] How are sex and fractions alike?

It’s improper when the larger one is on top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev47gx/nsfw_how_are_sex_and_fractions_alike/
%
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in

Me: Thanks for reminding me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev44n4/doctor_your_brain_fell_out_after_your_accident/
%
What’s the difference between most people and parking lots?

I have never run over a parking lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev41pc/whats_the_difference_between_most_people_and/
%
To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you. I have contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev3mc0/to_the_person_who_stole_my_glasses/
%
You're an intern when you're learning to be a doctor

But when you learn to pull teeth, are you indentured?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev33ex/youre_an_intern_when_youre_learning_to_be_a_doctor/
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Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev32g7/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_who_stole_a/
%
A proton walks into a bar and orders a drink

Bartender: what'll it be?
Proton: Just water, thanks
Bartender: You sure?
Proton: I'm positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev2x33/a_proton_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
%
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev2q19/my_grandfather_says_im_too_reliant_on_technology/
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"Mom, I don't like my brother anymore"

"Shut up and keep eating what I put on the table"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev2p7f/mom_i_dont_like_my_brother_anymore/
%
A tree's first winter must be terrifying.

Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev2nxw/a_trees_first_winter_must_be_terrifying/
%
What does a house wear?

Address

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev2dik/what_does_a_house_wear/
%
Whenever I call out of my shift.

I always got my bed sheets to cover me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev2c16/whenever_i_call_out_of_my_shift/
%
What do you call a group of 6 Chinese tourists in a small car?

A Six pack of Corona Extra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev2846/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_6_chinese_tourists_in/
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I didn’t believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev24as/i_didnt_believe_my_dad_was_stealing_from_his_job/
%
How do flat-earthers travel the earth?

On a plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev21gx/how_do_flatearthers_travel_the_earth/
%
Why do women have legs?

Have you seen the fucking mess a snail leaves behind?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev1zu0/why_do_women_have_legs/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev1z45/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev1wn3/nsfw_a_chef_had_a_one_night_stand_with_a_5_foot/
%
Knock! Knock!

-Who’s there?
-Control freak
-Con...
-Okay, now you said, “Control freak who?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev1pb3/knock_knock/
%
Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

But no one ever talks about his family.
His brother, the revolutionary vegetarian activist, Brocco Lee.
His cousin, the hesitant statistician, Probab Lee.
His uncle, the trustworthy politician, Honest Lee.
And of course, the Spanish inquisitor, Juan "Expected" Lee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev1kaa/everyone_knows_of_famous_martial_artist_bruce_lee/
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How can we fight the corona virus?

Kung Flu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev1jek/how_can_we_fight_the_corona_virus/
%
I hear the Novel Coronavirus comes from a bat, does that mean it will turn me into batman?

"No, but it will kill your parents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev1d2u/i_hear_the_novel_coronavirus_comes_from_a_bat/
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What did the chicken nugget thief say to his victim?

Nothing, he just took the nugget and dipped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev12qz/what_did_the_chicken_nugget_thief_say_to_his/
%
Hey dad, I'm cold

Go to the corner son, it's 90 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev0tim/hey_dad_im_cold/
%
So Hitler is down in hell, sitting with some other terrible people...

Stalin: I wish I had more time up there, I feel like I could have done so much more.
Hitler: You know, if I could do it all again, I'd kill 6 million jews and a dog.
Stalin: That's kind of fucked up...why would you kill a dog?
Hitler: See, I told you no one cares about the jews.
Happy Liberation day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev0hm0/so_hitler_is_down_in_hell_sitting_with_some_other/
%
What did the sign on the whorehouse say?

Beat it, we’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev0g38/what_did_the_sign_on_the_whorehouse_say/
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What happens when you try to impregnate a ape with human DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev0flf/what_happens_when_you_try_to_impregnate_a_ape/
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Why don't procrastinators make it to the Olympics?

Because they only allow amateurcrastinators.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev0dda/why_dont_procrastinators_make_it_to_the_olympics/
%
What starts with the letter P and has a bagillion letters in it?

a POST OFFICE
This joke was told to me by my 6 year old brother and I thought it was just too good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev09h2/what_starts_with_the_letter_p_and_has_a_bagillion/
%
A husband and wife were sleeping one night

When they wake up the next morning, the wife says, "I had a funny dream. I dreamt that there was an auction and they were auctioning off penis'. Little ones were $10, big ones were $100"
"How much was were the ones like mine going for?"
"They were giving them away."
"Well," He says, "I had a similar dream. I dreamed that there was an auction for vaginas. Big ones were $10 and little ones were $100."
"What about ones like mine?" She inquires.
"That's where they had the auction!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev08eb/a_husband_and_wife_were_sleeping_one_night/
%
What's an extreme feminists favorite video game

Hitman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ev03ck/whats_an_extreme_feminists_favorite_video_game/
%
What do you call a large body of water that's made of money?

A currensea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euzpm1/what_do_you_call_a_large_body_of_water_thats_made/
%
What did the testicle say to the urethra?

I'd like to hang out with you more, but there's such a vas deferens between us!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euzodj/what_did_the_testicle_say_to_the_urethra/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision ?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euzlfk/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
What is your dog's least favorite book in the Bible?

Neuteronomy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euz9vz/what_is_your_dogs_least_favorite_book_in_the_bible/
%
I asked my Spanish neighbor to help me fix my tv.

It was a very expensive tv and I told him that I had been meaning to sell it for a while, and would sell it once I got it fixed.  He looked confused.
“por que?”
“No, it’s only HD”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euz72l/i_asked_my_spanish_neighbor_to_help_me_fix_my_tv/
%
Delivering the male (my cake day contribution)

It was John's last day delivering the mail. He had been doing so for 4o years and was about to retire.
Most of the families greeted him warmly and handed him an envelope presumably with a small monetary gift inside.
But when he arrived at the Jones' house the woman there pulled him inside and they made passionate love.
Afterwards he showered and went downstairs.  There Mrs. Jones had prepared a fine array of foods: eggs, sausages, waffles, etc.  To top it all off was a freshly made cappuccino with a small origami crane folded from a single dollar bill.
Still reeling a bit from the shock of the morning John said "This has been simply amazing but I really must ask, why the dollar bill?"
Mrs Jones replied "Last night I told my husband that today was your last day and asked him what we should get you."  He replied..
"Fuck the mailman, give him a dollar or something."
She smiled, "Breakfast was my idea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euz11z/delivering_the_male_my_cake_day_contribution/
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What is the best adjective to describe Mario's balls?

Peach-like

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euz0jb/what_is_the_best_adjective_to_describe_marios/
%
A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis...

An oldie from High School.
A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis all are having a conversation about how rough their lives are.
The Cucumber says to them, "My life sucks. They either chop me up and throw me in a salad or they drown me in a jar until my body turns sour and eat me."
The Pencil says, "You think that's bad? They rub me on my hand until I snap or go flat and then circle a blade around me until I can do it all over again."
Then the Penis tells them, "That's nothing. My day usually starts by getting beat til I can't stand no more. And then at night I get shoved into these dark places and get slammed against the wall until I puke. And sometimes those places really smell like shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euyztn/a_cucumber_a_pencil_and_a_penis/
%
Last night I had a dream about the Tiananmen Square Massacre

But I don’t remember it very well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euytax/last_night_i_had_a_dream_about_the_tiananmen/
%
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The chicken, eggs can't cum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euysmp/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
What do you call a drink that will make you feel numb from the neck down?

A guillotini.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euypps/what_do_you_call_a_drink_that_will_make_you_feel/
%
The insult...a true story.

I'm a 42 year old guy now. Mature. Easy going. I don't let things bother me or offend me anymore.
But 20 some years ago in the late 90s when I was in my 20s, things were different. I was all about defending my honor, being a tough guy etc.
So one night I was in a bar getting drunk, and this obviously even drunker guy behind me kept telling me he wanted to sit where I was. He was obviously was just trying to start a fight.
When I continued to ignore him, he got more vulgar, and began to insult me personally. Finally throwing in a shot at my mother.
"Yeah, well your mom's a whore and a miserable cunt!"
I started to get angry, and as I spun around on my barstool I saw a nearly 7 foot tall native American guy standing there. As a 5'5 short Irish-American guy that loved to brawl, I did the only thing I could do.
I looked up at him, and said...
"Yeah that slut gets on my nerves too."
And I walked away fast as hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euymc4/the_insulta_true_story/
%
I met a guy who thinks he was mixed up with his twin soon after birth.

I asked him, "What makes you think that, Joanna?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euyjnk/i_met_a_guy_who_thinks_he_was_mixed_up_with_his/
%
Just applied to go on that show 'The secret millionaire'

The secret is I'm not a millionaire but shhhh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euy5j7/just_applied_to_go_on_that_show_the_secret/
%
Yo mama so stupid.

She tried to kill herself by sitting in the garage with an electric car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euy3ug/yo_mama_so_stupid/
%
The phone at a local bar started to ring

“Hello?” The bartender asked.
“Hi I’m looking for someone. Last name King, first name Joe?” The mysterious voice asked.
The bartender started to remember the mischievous pranks on TV that started like this. Angry, he started to go off, “Oh, so you think you’re funny, huh? You joking around and...”
Suddenly, a slightly drunk man overheard and tapped the bartender on his shoulder, interrupting him, “Actually sir, I’m Joe King, not him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euxz7y/the_phone_at_a_local_bar_started_to_ring/
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What happens when a sick person from China gets bitten by a tick?

A corona gets its Lyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euxysk/what_happens_when_a_sick_person_from_china_gets/
%
What is the best quality to use when photographing forks?

4K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euxwk4/what_is_the_best_quality_to_use_when/
%
Why do gay guys always leave the hotel early?

They get their shit packed the night before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euxhcc/why_do_gay_guys_always_leave_the_hotel_early/
%
My friend used to strip to pay the bills.

But she put in the hours, saved up and bought her own Massage Parlour.
Don't you just love a story with a happy ending?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eux41n/my_friend_used_to_strip_to_pay_the_bills/
%
Marriage changes everything.

Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eux3wc/marriage_changes_everything/
%
A Man Decides to go Ice Fishing

One day, a man decides to go ice fishing. He grabs his gear and heads out onto the ice. Once he finds a suitable spot he cuts a large hole in the ice and sits down.
An hour passes and he still hasn't caught anything. Another hour passes, and then another, and still no fish. Suddenly the man hears a voice from the sky. "There are no fish under the ice." Hearing this, the man shrugs, gathers his gear and heads to a new spot a few yards away. He cuts another hole in the ice and continues fishing.
Another two hours pass and still the man hasn't caught a single fish. And again he hears a voice from the sky. "There are no fish, under the ice." This time the man looks up and says "Is that you God?" The voice responds "No it's the Ice Rink Manager."
- Papa
My grandfather passed away today and this was his favorite joke. Thanks for reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euwytx/a_man_decides_to_go_ice_fishing/
%
I made my fish listen to an Eminem album...

...now he's Swim Shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euwvp2/i_made_my_fish_listen_to_an_eminem_album/
%
This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these headaches" Bill shocked and scared  asks the doctor "what should i do doc" Doctor sighs and tells Bill "im sorry only thing we can do is castrate you" . Bill is shocked , he shudders at the thought of getting his balls cut off . He tells the doctor he’ll think about it and leaves.
He thinks about it for sometime and finally after working up the courage he goes back to the doc and agrees to do the procedure . Finally after a long long painful surgery Bill walks out a new man. He walks around for the first time without his balls and tries not to think about his loss. He walks around and passes by a suit store he tells himself 'I am a new man today!...let me buy my new self some clothes” . He goes in and asks the owner "sir can u get me a blazer" the owner looks at him and says "one blazer coming up size 13" bill is amazed that the guy was able to tell his size by just looking at him and says "damn how'd u know" the owner answers "been in the business 50 years" bill tells him “ ok then let me get pants" the owner says "one pair of pants coming up size 35 waist" again bill is amazed he asks the guy "how did u know?" .."been in the business 50 yrs i know it all"
Bill still surprised asks him "how about a pair of underwear" the owner looks at him and says "one pair of underwear size 10 coming up" bill jumps up and says "ha you were wrong im a size 8 been wearing 8 for 40 years " the owner looks at him concerned and retorts”well you shouldnt have ....8 is too small ,it will make your balls press up against your spine and give you a crazy headache".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euwp3v/this_guy_bill_has_been_having_headaches_for_about/
%
A French, a British and an american naval engineer brag about their submarines.

All three of them are standing in a harbour, arguing.
The french engineer says:
"Ahh, le french submarine can stay submerged for five weeks and and we do not run out of croissants or red wine, they are magnefique!"
The Brit responds:
"Oh my dear chap, that is nothing. Her majesty's submarines can stay under water for two months, and the officers will still have an ample supply of gin and tonic, splendid, really!"
The american replies:
"Well, you ain't see nuttin' yet. The 'murcan submarines can stay at the bottom of the ocean for half a year, and we'll still be eatin' burgers and steaks, yeehaw!"
All of a sudden, bubbles appear on the water. Slowly, a rusty submarine rises from the waves. With a squeeking noise, the hatch is opened. A very old, grey bearded officer in a black uniform climbs from the tower.
"HEIL HITLER! Where is ze gas station?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euw8n8/a_french_a_british_and_an_american_naval_engineer/
%
Don't worry guys, the coronavirus won't last long

It's made in China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euw4dp/dont_worry_guys_the_coronavirus_wont_last_long/
%
In the past people listened to prophets

Now they listen to profits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euw275/in_the_past_people_listened_to_prophets/
%
I asked my North Korean friend what it's like living over there

He said "can't complain"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euw1mg/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_what_its_like/
%
Doctor visit in europe

A young couple goes to the doctors office with the complaint that they have trouble having sex.  What is the problem exactly? says the doctor. We don't know the couple says, it just doesn't work.
Well, says the doctor, why don't you try it in the treatment room. Ok says the couple, they go into the treatment room and go at it. 20 minutes later they come back to the doctor.
How did it go? says the doctor. It went pretty well, says the couple. Thanks a lot.
So what do you think the trouble was? says the doctor. The guy says, well, at her home her mother is always there, and I live at the other side of the country, a motel costs about 50 bucks, and a doctor visit is only 3 bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euvz90/doctor_visit_in_europe/
%
What do you do with a sick chemist?

You have to curium and helium. If you can't, you have to barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euvxjv/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
%
Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euvwja/why_is_being_in_the_military_like_a_blowjob/
%
My First Condom

I was 14 the first time I went to the  neighborhood drugstore to buy a pack of condoms. In those days it took a  lot of guts to walk into the drug store and ask for condoms because  everyone knew everyone else.
Mary, the girl behind the counter,  was almost 20 and knew what they were for. She could see that I was  really embarrassed because I turned red and started stuttering.
When Mary handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one, I said ‘No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out, and slipped it over her  thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
Mary could tell that I was still confused, so she looked all around the  store to see if there were any other customers. Then she said 'Just a  minute,' and walked me into the storage room. Then Mary took off her  blouse and bra and said ‘Do these excite you?'
Well, I was so  dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and  nod my head. Mary told me to put the condom on, and then she dropped her  skirt, took off her panties and laid down on a desk.
'Well, come  on', Mary said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her and it  felt so incredible that I couldn’t hold back and KAPOW, I was done in  less than a minute.
Mary looked at me with a big frown and said,  'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up  my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me....
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euvjf2/my_first_condom/
%
I still remember my grandfather's last words to this day.

- "Are you still holding that fucking ladder"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euvemc/i_still_remember_my_grandfathers_last_words_to/
%
If I got a euro, for every time I thought about the wife.

I would probably think about her a bit more often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euvdma/if_i_got_a_euro_for_every_time_i_thought_about/
%
Whats the difference between cancer and Me.

My dad didn't beat cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euvbyx/whats_the_difference_between_cancer_and_me/
%
A teacher just started working at a new school

During recess he sees a boy smoking in the corner and decides to walk up to him.
He says to the boy "how would your mother feel when she saw this?"
The boy answered "I think she would be very glad."
"Oh and why is that?" Asked the teacher.
To which the boy replied "because she's blind."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euuxjo/a_teacher_just_started_working_at_a_new_school/
%
I must have an amazing butt

Whenever I'm done talking to people and walk away they say "What an ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euuh06/i_must_have_an_amazing_butt/
%
In Paris, a man was beaten to death with a baguette.

The French police raids several apartments: ”We are looking for Le Pain Killer”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euu6j7/in_paris_a_man_was_beaten_to_death_with_a_baguette/
%
A man goes to the doctor because of his high voice

After a physical examination he asks the doctor if something can be done about his high voice.
The doctor responds and says: ‘because of the size and weight of your penis the diaphragm is pulled down quite a bit, this causes the voice to be higher than normal. I think a penis reduction is your best option.’
The man agrees and the next day a piece of his penis is cut of.
A few weeks later the man went back to the doctor and said: ‘with the high voice it was hard to get woman in bed, but whenever I succeeded it was great. Now it’s not that hard to get them into bed, but it is disappointing every time. Like a part of me is missing. And I was wondering if it was possible to put that piece of penis back?’
To which the doctor replied (in a high voice): ‘no, once given is always given.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euu6gy/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_because_of_his_high_voice/
%
So you knows how you are supposed to say "no homo" whenever you are in an intimate situation with an other guy, so it isn't gay.

Well, that's pretty difficult to do with a dick in your mouth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euu3tn/so_you_knows_how_you_are_supposed_to_say_no_homo/
%
(NSFW)My friend broke up with her boyfriend cuz he didnt go down on her..

That's the straw that didn't lick the camel's crack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eutzsh/nsfwmy_friend_broke_up_with_her_boyfriend_cuz_he/
%
A very old joke called, "Why Worry?"

Why Worry?
In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, there's nothing to worry about.
If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die.
If you get better, there's nothing to worry about.
If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell.
If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about.
If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry...so why worry?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eutsrs/a_very_old_joke_called_why_worry/
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The ending is massive.

A shoe factory specializing in intelligent shoes contacted me, and asked me whether I wanted to try their new smart shoes.
It was free of charge, so I accepted the offer.
First, I asked the shoes to take me to the best burger place in town. And indeed, the shoes walked me right into the best burger I had ever eaten.
Knowing I could trust the shoes, I next asked them to take me to get a gift for my wife. It was our anniversary.
The shoes walked me right into a jewelry store, and stopped in front of a beautiful necklace. I bought it.
Happy with my purchase, I asked the shoes to walk me home. There I gave the gift to my wife; she said it was beautiful, and told me she loved me very much.
However, I wasn't done yet. It was a sinful, awful thought, I know, but I couldn't resist the temptation:  lastly I asked the shoes to take me to the best hooker in town.
This time, however, the shoes failed me: they led me to a church, where a priest was giving a sermon on the 6th Commandment.
"Hmmm... there must be a bug in the programming", I thought at first. But pretty soon it dawned on me what had happened:
These shoes had good soles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eutrni/the_ending_is_massive/
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Police are suspicious of a man who shits diarrhea all over the town

But they have no solid evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eutpp2/police_are_suspicious_of_a_man_who_shits_diarrhea/
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What’s the difference between an anti vaxxer and and a spear?

The spear actually has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eutmi5/whats_the_difference_between_an_anti_vaxxer_and/
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Does anyone have any good jokes about aliens?

There must be some out there somewhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euta7o/does_anyone_have_any_good_jokes_about_aliens/
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A young couple got tired of the cold weather and decided to take a trip down to Florida.

But because their work schedules didn't work together, it was decided that the husband would fly down first, with the wife following the next day. When the husband arrived in Florida, he decided to send an email to his wife, but unknowingly sent it to the wrong email. Meanwhile, in a different town, a widow had just gotten back from her husband's funeral, and decided to check her email. It said, "Hello dear, just checking in. I am looking forward to your arrival here tomorrow. Love, your husband." P.S. "It sure is hot down here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eut6dg/a_young_couple_got_tired_of_the_cold_weather_and/
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A guy gets hit by a car.

He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him.The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes.The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?"
The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me."
The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?"
The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun."
The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God."
The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eut4om/a_guy_gets_hit_by_a_car/
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A Young Pastor Had Prepared a Long and Passionate Sermon for his New Congregation

But the night before he was to deliver this sermon, the town was hit by a big blizzard, and the roads were icy and impassable.  In fact, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the church that Sunday morning. The pastor said, "I guess we won't have a service today."
The farmer replied: "When I go out to feed the cows, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed her."
"You're right." replied the pastor, who then launched into his sermon--long and passionate--just as he had planned.  It was beautiful.  Fire and brimstone.  A work of art.  At the end he looked at the farmer and said, "Well, what did you think?  How did I do?"
The farmer thought for just a minute and then said, "Well, if I go out to feed the cows and only one shows up, I would feed her. But I wouldn't give her the whole load."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eut1hl/a_young_pastor_had_prepared_a_long_and_passionate/
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I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.

It was a *huge* ore chasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eusvnl/i_just_found_an_enormous_ravine_so_full_of/
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Old but gold

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.
I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your laundry in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung at me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," he replied with a cheeky grin, “He choked on a sock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eusucm/old_but_gold/
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For some, looks are the most sexually appealing trait, while others are turned on by personality. But for me it’s all relative.

Relatives*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euss1s/for_some_looks_are_the_most_sexually_appealing/
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My therapist said I should take myself on a date to learn to love myself.

I couldn't because I don't date broke people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eusn6z/my_therapist_said_i_should_take_myself_on_a_date/
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A prisoner was just told how he’ll be executed.

Needless to say, he was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eurppc/a_prisoner_was_just_told_how_hell_be_executed/
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I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eurp2a/i_went_for_a_job_interview_today_and_the_manager/
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A dad, and his son are staring into the night sky. “Dad, how do stars die?”

“Usually an overdose.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euroor/a_dad_and_his_son_are_staring_into_the_night_sky/
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A young passenger tapped cab driver on the shoulder to hand him the money

Cab driver screamed; lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the cab driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which cab driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eurclz/a_young_passenger_tapped_cab_driver_on_the/
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An old guy is not able to get his younger wife to cum

and therefor they decide to get some help from a sex therapist. So they sit in front of this therapist and the therapist says “the problem is obvious. I know how to help. You need to search at Craigslist for a specific kind of man. He needs to be tall, athletic and needs to have a dick that makes a horse feel jealous. If you find such a guy, tell him to get naked and swing his dick round-round standing next to the bed while you have sex with your wife. I am 100% sure your wife will get her orgasm!” The old guy asks confused “You sure this works?” “It will!”
So they search via Craigslist for such a guy and wonder-wonder after a few days they receive a phone call and it is exactly the kind of man the therapist has recommended. So they tell him what he should do whilst they are occupied with sex.
They tried immediately the following night. The old guy is treating is wife and the athletic guy is standing naked doing the cock helicopter next to the bed. And what do you think happened? Nothing. After 1 hour of desperate sex the wife still does not have an orgasm.
Angry they visit they therapist once again and want to get back their money.
The therapist tells them “Calm down. We still have a better option! The next time we do it the other way around. YOU stand naked close to the bed swinging your penis round-round and the athletic guy is taking care of your wife! I am sure this will work if you try your best!”
They agree, call the other guy and so the upcoming evening they try what the therapist recommended.
And the tall athletic guy starts to fuck the shit out of the wife whilst the old one is standing naked close to the bed doing the cock helicopter. And after 30 minutes of the wildest fuck ever seen the wife cums with a never ending scream! So the tall guy and the wife fall exhausted into the bed, the wife’s body still shaking.
The old husband leaves his position, walks round the bed naked to the tall one laying there and bends down to his face and yells “Look, motherfucker! That’s how you swing your dick!!!!!!”
PS: English is not my native language. Typed this in one act on iPhone and I am now too lazy to correct everything ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eurawc/an_old_guy_is_not_able_to_get_his_younger_wife_to/
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I honestly don’t understand why the church is so against Harry Potter

Nothing guarantees you pre martial virginity more than talking about what animal you patronus would be and what your wand would be made of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eur2yr/i_honestly_dont_understand_why_the_church_is_so/
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A wire just fell from the ceiling

I was shocked when the electrician couldn’t fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eur23v/a_wire_just_fell_from_the_ceiling/
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Someone once asked me why I like interracial porn

I said I love to see humanity come together like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euqzv5/someone_once_asked_me_why_i_like_interracial_porn/
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I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euqwo9/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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My mum always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach".

Nice lady, terrible surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euqnxh/my_mum_always_used_to_say_the_way_to_a_mans_heart/
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Why did the student eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euqjj1/why_did_the_student_eat_his_homework/
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What do you call an undiscovered planet?

I don’t know... It doesn’t have a name yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euqgkb/what_do_you_call_an_undiscovered_planet/
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An Authoritarian walks into a bar.

Orders everyone around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euqctc/an_authoritarian_walks_into_a_bar/
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I shot an arrow into the air, where it went I had no care...

then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euqckb/i_shot_an_arrow_into_the_air_where_it_went_i_had/
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Did you hear about the man who's making model boats in his attic?

Sails are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euqce0/did_you_hear_about_the_man_whos_making_model/
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My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euq144/my_wife_left_me_because_i_am_insecure/
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George is at his first middle school party but really nervous cause he's mostly an introvert

He tries to fit in but we can see he is visibly sweating, his more social friend, Finn walks up to him and George finally sighs of relief.
Finn: George, what are you doing man? You're sweating like a fountain!
George: Well you know how I really don't like being around a lot of people, I get nervous and tend to sweat a lot. Besides, I didn't want to be here in the first place.
Finn: You really need to get your game together dude, try talking to some people, socialize!
George: No I really don't think that's a good idea, I'd rather-
Finn grabs him and drags him to Sophie, a girl Finn knows that George has a crush on.
Finn: Hey Sophie! You remember George right?
Sophie: Of course! Hi George, what's up?
George: You k-know just the u-u-usual.
Sophie: Oh, okay.
Finn (whispering): Tell her she looks pretty.
George: You look great!
Sophie: Thank you! You look cute too!
George: Yeah you too!
Sophie: You just said that.
George: What?
Sophie: You know you told me I looked great so I thanked you told you you look cute too and you said you too even though you've already told me I look nice.
George seems like he isn't listening to what she's saying and is just staring at her face.
Sophie: Umm, George?
George: Yeah, your hair smells amazing.
Sophie: Gross!
George: What?
...
Finn: Great catching up Sophie, would you excuse us for a minute?
Sophie: Sure
Finn drags George to a corner
Finn: *What are you doing Georgie?* That was so awkward dude you made it so weird with Sophie.
George: I don't now dude it was *you* who told me to tell her she's pretty so I just went with it and she looked so pretty I kinda just stared at her and spaced out.
Finn: I really think you need to freshen up, go get a drink I think I saw some Coke or Hawaiian Punch or something in the cafeteria. You get a drink for you and Sophie, I'll try to keep her occupied, OK?
George: Okay sound's like a plan
George walks to the cafeteria and sees a massive queue. Confused, he decides to ask Ralph, standing at the end of the line.
George: What are you standing here for Ralph? What's this fuss about?
Ralph: Oh dude, this is the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euq0c2/george_is_at_his_first_middle_school_party_but/
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A guy is down on his luck and tells his friend he would do anything on a dare for 10 bucks...

The friend says "Ok, I'll give you 10 bucks if you don't change your underwear for a month."
The guy agrees, and when they shake on it, says "I win, and you owe me 20."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eupvlx/a_guy_is_down_on_his_luck_and_tells_his_friend_he/
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Dude 1: Hey bro

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eupvdf/dude_1_hey_bro/
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Why do chinese kids not believe in santa?

Because they make all the toys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eupmzb/why_do_chinese_kids_not_believe_in_santa/
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Noah's Ark had landed, and the flood waters subsided....

..and Noah released all the animals in the Ark, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply!"
All the animals dispersed, except for a pair of snakes.
Noah looked at them and asked, "Why are you not doing as I said?"
One of the snakes replied, "We can't multiply, we're adders."
So, Noah gave them log tables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eupkbd/noahs_ark_had_landed_and_the_flood_waters_subsided/
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I'm trying to work on being less condescending.

(Condescending means treating people like they have less intelligence than yourself)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eupa7d/im_trying_to_work_on_being_less_condescending/
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I think the world would be a better place if everyone stopped worrying about good posture...

It's just a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eup8wp/i_think_the_world_would_be_a_better_place_if/
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The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I had a cramp in my hand while jerking off

The guy looked at me and asked why I stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eup2je/the_most_embarrassing_moment_of_my_life_was_when/
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My friends get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euosfq/my_friends_get_mad_when_i_steal_their_kitchen/
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I took me 3 minutes to walk to the bar and 68 minutes to walk back

The difference is staggering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euosa0/i_took_me_3_minutes_to_walk_to_the_bar_and_68/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer.
The second orders half a beer.
"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.
"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.
The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon!" says mathematician #1, "Do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along."
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem," mathematician #3 chimes in, "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work," interjects the bartender.
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" the bartender replies, "You learn limits in, like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
Mathematician #1 screeches, "HE'S ON TO US!"
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS!" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA!!!"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait," he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, progressives will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment.
"My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they suddenly vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really," the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euoqny/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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I don't want to fail my hernia exam ....

But my test tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euoq8d/i_dont_want_to_fail_my_hernia_exam/
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Why was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?

He couldn’t resistor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euopsy/why_was_there_a_spark_between_frankenstein_and/
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It was the first day of school...

... and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863!"
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "Send them all back." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "Stephen Miller, 2016!"
The student in the back yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher said to the student in the back, "Stop that right now, or I will alert the principal!" The anonymous student replied to her, "I didn't do anything wrong, everything I said was perfect!"  Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Donald Trump, 2020."
The teacher stormed out of the class to get the principal, and as the classmates looked at each other, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro to get him to shut up, while someone else yells "Duck"! Pedro calls out, "Dick Cheney 2006!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euoppj/it_was_the_first_day_of_school/
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euomjc/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
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What's worse than 3 babies in one garbage can?

Answer: One baby in 3 garbage cans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euollz/whats_worse_than_3_babies_in_one_garbage_can/
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Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.

At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
“But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried.
“Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euoaq2/donald_trump_gets_executed_and_is_hanged_by_the/
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My girlfriend told me she was pregnant

With tears in my eyes, I said "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!"
She replied, "No you're not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euo9k5/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_was_pregnant/
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What did the USSR have in common with hipsters?

They lost interest in going to the moon after someone else had already been there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euo7ou/what_did_the_ussr_have_in_common_with_hipsters/
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Sex Therapy

A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euo4oi/sex_therapy/
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My favourite disappointing joke

A man walks into a bar and the bar keeper says "Can I get you a drink?"
The  man looks at the barkeep and says "If I can show you the most amazing  thing you've ever seen, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night?"
The barkeep thinks about it for a moment and says "Sounds  interesting but I warn you that I'm not easily impressed. Lets see it then".
The man reaches into his bag an produces a tiny, perfect piano and a stool.
The barkeep admires the craftsmanship and says "Cool toy but I'm not into doll houses".
The  man raises a finger of acknowledgement and reaches back into his bag  before producing a dwarf hamster dressed in a tiny tuxedo and places it  gently onto the stool.
"Cute," says the barkeep "but I've seen better".
The  man feeds a sunflower seed to the hamster and after stuffing it into  his cheek the hamster turns to the piano and starts to play some of the most beautiful music the barkeep has ever heard.
"Wow" says the wide eyed barkeep "That's pretty good, but I've seen better."
The man lets out an exasperated sigh and reaches deeper into his bag before producing a big green frog and sitting it on the bar next to the hamster and his piano. The barkeep raises an eyebrow as the man bends down and appears to whisper something to the hamster before handing over two seeds. The hamster gleefully stuffs the seeds into its mouth before striking up a different tune on the piano and as if by magic the frog  starts singing the most sonorous and powerful operatic performance in  time with the piano.
By this point a crowd of stunned onlookers has gathered around the bar, the barkeep can't believe the spectacle taking place in front of his eyes and as soon as the performance finishes he turns to the man and says "That's incredible, your drinks are on the house".
The man orders a beer and starts to carefully put the show  back in his bag. The barkeep returns with his order and says "Look, I'd  be a fool if I didn't ask if you could be tempted into selling your little show, how much do you want for it?
The man sips his beer and replies politely "Sorry, the creatures are my pets and I won't sell  them" before moving to a corner table for the rest of the evening where  he quietly enjoys his free beers by himself.
The night eventually  draws to a close and the barkeep rings the bell for last orders. The man returns to the bar to order a final drink, the memory of that show has  been twirling around the barkeeps mind all night and as he returns with the mans order he decides to make one last offer.
"I know you said  they weren't for sale but I've got $2000 worth of tips upstairs that I  was saving, it's obvious you've got no money otherwise you'd not be making deals in bars like this so how about it, can we make a deal?" He  says to the man.
The man takes a big sip of his beer and looks into space as if deep in thought. After a moment he sighs deeply and says  "Well, I'm trying to get to the big city where I can make some real  money but things are getting pretty tight on the road and the show's not worth anything if I never make to the big city at all so I guess we can talk".
The man reaches into his bag and puts the ensemble back on the bar where he sits and studies them while mumbling quietly to himself  about years, numbers, training and occasionally counting on his  fingers. He eventually stops, takes a deep breath and begins to explain.
"Well  the piano took me 4yrs to build and several hundred in materials so that's off the table straight away, the hamster took 5yrs to train and  has been a well mannered, loyal friend on the road and I don't think I could part with him but the frog has only been with me for a year and  has been foul mouthed and nothing but trouble so I potentially be  tempted to offload him for just a little bit more. I'm not a fool and I  know what these creatures are worth."
The barkeep ponders this for a  moment before disappearing upstairs and returning with the jar of tips,  he places it on the bar and opens the cash register, he counts out another $500 and pushes the money towards the man. "$2500 should take  you anywhere in the country first class, it's yours for the frog."
The  man looks pained for a moment and stares at the frog before looking at the cash, he looks back and forth a few times trying to make his  decision before eventually saying "Deal" and tucking the money into his  bag.
"Great!" says the barkeep "A pleasure doing business with you".
The  man takes one long last look at the frog before walking towards the  exit. As he proceeds an elderly patron who had been watching them all  evening gets up and follows him out the door.
"Excuse me" the patron says "Could you hold on a minute?"
"Sure, what's up?" say the man.
"I  just wanted a final look at the stupidest man on earth as he parts with  his fortune!" sneers the elderly man "You could have made millions with  that little show of yours!"
"Yeah I do kinda feel like a dick, I should've-" The man starts to reply
"You should feel like a dick!" The old patron interrupts "You should have  thought about the big picture, you kids these days never thi-"
The man reaches up and gently presses a finger to the old patrons lips silencing him.
"I should have told him that the hamster is a ventriloquist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euo23p/my_favourite_disappointing_joke/
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I fell off a 50ft ladder at work today

Luckily I was only on the first step

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euo0co/i_fell_off_a_50ft_ladder_at_work_today/
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So the Devil goes to God and says "We're having a basketball tournament."

Then God says "Hold up, give me one second."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eunxim/so_the_devil_goes_to_god_and_says_were_having_a/
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My friends always get mad at me when I steal their kitchen utensils

But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eunwsq/my_friends_always_get_mad_at_me_when_i_steal/
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I don't believe stairs

Because they're always up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eunc9o/i_dont_believe_stairs/
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The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”

Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.”
Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euna7m/the_other_day_i_told_a_girl_you_look_great/
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An Irish man walks out of a pub

Thanks for your upvote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eun9t9/an_irish_man_walks_out_of_a_pub/
%
Chicken walks into a bar

Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eun7x8/chicken_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Witches and wizards don't fart

They cast smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eun7u0/witches_and_wizards_dont_fart/
%
I want to find the person who stole my toilet,

but I have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eun775/i_want_to_find_the_person_who_stole_my_toilet/
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White men can't jump ...

Black men can't land

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eun627/white_men_cant_jump/
%
What has two dark hairy holes and is smelly

Get your head out of the gutter, it’s your nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eumw7b/what_has_two_dark_hairy_holes_and_is_smelly/
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A girl started crying after I told her a joke

I said that if she was a rapper, her name would be lil boobies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eumvuf/a_girl_started_crying_after_i_told_her_a_joke/
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Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat.

He was waiting patient Lee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eumu3d/bruce_lee_was_at_a_doctors_appointment_but_an/
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Knock knock

(Who’s there?)
Mikey
(Mikey who?)
Mikey won’t fit the lock, let me in...
Sorry it’s lame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eumqsf/knock_knock/
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NSFW: My first day in the Navy

So shortly after joining the Navy I was posted to a boat that was about to begin a 6 month sail around the world.
Being new to the boat I was given a tour of the boat by an older Sargent.
Near the end of the tour he shows me this giant barrel which has a hole cut in it.
"What is this?" I ask him
"This is the BlowJob barrel, every day but Sunday you can come to this barrel, stick your dick into the hole and you'll get a blowjob"
"Wow thats great, but what happens on Sunday?"
"Well thats your turn in the barrell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eumqqz/nsfw_my_first_day_in_the_navy/
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How does my Jewish friend make tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eump3g/how_does_my_jewish_friend_make_tea/
%
What did the fish say when it swam into the brick wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euml4c/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_the_brick/
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Let me tell you the story about the chicken that breaths throught it's asshole...

One day, it sat on a rock and died.
The end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eumkbl/let_me_tell_you_the_story_about_the_chicken_that/
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There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend...

...and the next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eumiha/there_was_this_eskimo_girl_who_spent_the_night/
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Dishes

Long one so get ready..
A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle a bit. The old man takes out a jar of Vaseline and wipes down the whole bike. He states it's his secret for keeping it spotless and asks the young man to keep his secret safe and to always wipe it down before a rain. The young man promises he will. Deal done and the old man even throws in his jar of Vaseline.
Later that evening he takes his motorcycle over to meet his girlfriends parents for the first time. Walking up to the house his girlfriend warns " We have a weird sort of tradition in our house, we don't speak a word during dinner otherwise you have to do all the dishes."  Odd but just then a smoking hot girl answers the door and introduces herself as the younger sister, Dad seems nice and introduces Mom, who is also very good looking.
Some small talk and it's time for dinner. The young man walks into the kitchen to help serve dinner and is shocked. No one has done the dishes for what seems months! Dirty plates stacked to the ceiling. It's a mess. He brings the food to the table thinking " I'm not going to say a word!"
Dinner is actually good and he just smiles along. His girlfriend starts to play footsie with him, then starts feeling his inner thigh. He's getting excited but realizes this maybe just a ploy to get him to speak. He's not falling for it! She then goes under the table and starts to give him a blow job right at Dinner!! He's so confused but also so turned on. The family notices but says nothing, they just keep eating. Mom is visibly getting turned on and the younger sister is too!
The girlfriend comes back up from under the table and takes off her pants, they start banging right on the table! "This is insane" he thinks but is so turned on he can't stop. He bangs the girlfriend, then the mom, and even the sister all while nothing is being said!!  The dad just keeps eating the whole time!
Just then the young guy looks out the dining room window and notices it's starting to drizzle, so he whips out the Vaseline.  "Fine! Fuck it I'll do the dishes!"  yells the dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eumi45/dishes/
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A man and his wife are on a business trip

A man and his wife where on a business trip. It was supposed to only take 1 day, and they expected to be home that night, but it took longer than expected and tired of a long day having a meeting, they decide to stay in a hotel and return the next day.
They slept well and the next morning, they’re ready to go home. But when the man is shown the bill, he replied: what? $100,00? Just for 1 night? I’m not paying for that! Well, you have to understand, sure, the manager, who is behind the desk, replies, we have a lot of services here, we have a laundry room, a bowling alley, a golf course and much more. I understand that, but I haven’t used any of those! The man answers. No, but you could have! Says the manager. Alright, the man says, I’ll pay for it. And he writes a cheque of $50,000. But that’s only $50,000! The manager says, you said you were gonna pay the whole bill! The man replies: I ask $50,000 for sleeping with my wife! What? That’s reticules! The boss replies, I haven’t slept with you wife! No, but you could have!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eumafm/a_man_and_his_wife_are_on_a_business_trip/
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I was really hesitant about going to Hiroshima for vacation

but it was a blast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eum8h2/i_was_really_hesitant_about_going_to_hiroshima/
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My Friends don't worry about any skin disease.

Snakes have the ability to change it after sometime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eum25g/my_friends_dont_worry_about_any_skin_disease/
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A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eum256/a_treasure_chest_falls_down_from_an_airplane/
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eum0tx/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
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Recently I wrote ‘blender’ with the wrong vowel

It was a blunder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eulzn2/recently_i_wrote_blender_with_the_wrong_vowel/
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What do you call it when your pet lizard stops working?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eulym9/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_pet_lizard_stops/
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What does a cannibalistic vegan eat?

A greengrocer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eulxjz/what_does_a_cannibalistic_vegan_eat/
%
So we were watching porn and my girlfriend said it's so unrealistic.

"So you think no frustrated wife ever made an advance at her plumber?" I asked.
"Not that." She replied "The ones who repair ours have tiny cocks".
"Wait...what ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eulkf3/so_we_were_watching_porn_and_my_girlfriend_said/
%
A snake walks into a bar..

And the bartender says "how the fuck did you do that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euljo0/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why can’t dinosaurs clap?

Because they're all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eul8qa/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
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A Restless Mind..

‪Me: ‬
‪Hello darkness my old friend‬
‪Darkness: ‬
‪New phone who’s this.. ‬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eul2ou/a_restless_mind/
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I always prayed before my trigonometry tests..

I was hoping for a sine from above

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eul1jn/i_always_prayed_before_my_trigonometry_tests/
%
If my girlfriend has a gay best friend...

he better suck my dick to prove it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eukzz1/if_my_girlfriend_has_a_gay_best_friend/
%
I had a rough upbringing and all I know is crime, my latest job was a Viagra heist at the local pharmacy.

I'm a hardened criminal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eukvl7/i_had_a_rough_upbringing_and_all_i_know_is_crime/
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I can assure you that the Coronavirus fiasco won’t last for much longer

After all, it’s made in China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euk3cw/i_can_assure_you_that_the_coronavirus_fiasco_wont/
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A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting.

The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eujqje/a_co_noticed_something_on_patrol_he_called_his/
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John Cena movies

Do you know what all John Cena movies have in common?
I haven’t seen any of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eujqgt/john_cena_movies/
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Did you hear about the little boy that was late for school because he had diarrhea?

He was running a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eujoet/did_you_hear_about_the_little_boy_that_was_late/
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Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy
'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete
'Pole vault' he says
'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the instructor 'And then I'll be convinced that you're a decent pole vaulter'
'What's your event?' she asked the second athlete
'Hurdling' he says
'You will spend the next hour hurdling!' barks the instructor 'And then I'll be convinced that you're a decent hurdler'
Before the instructor could ask the third athlete, she noticed he was suppressing laughter, and grinning in a juvenile manner
'What are you laughing at?' she barked
'Nothing' he giggled
'Well, what's your event?'
'Breaststroke'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eujo33/three_olympic_athletes_are_at_an_elite_training/
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What pronouns does a chocolate kiss go by?

Her/she (Hershey)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euj9bx/what_pronouns_does_a_chocolate_kiss_go_by/
%
Are you http?

because without you i'm just ://

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euiu0c/are_you_http/
%
What do you call someone who built their life around eggs?

Egg-centric

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euitj4/what_do_you_call_someone_who_built_their_life/
%
Three unwritten rules of life:

1.                              2.                              3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euishw/three_unwritten_rules_of_life/
%
My irrational fear of moving stairs seems to be getting worse.

You might say it’s… escalating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euiq2f/my_irrational_fear_of_moving_stairs_seems_to_be/
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So What do you call a banker that has no friends?

A Loaner.... I’m just going to go to the bank and withdraw my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euikg2/so_what_do_you_call_a_banker_that_has_no_friends/
%
What is relative humidity?

When you get your cousin wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euih1e/what_is_relative_humidity/
%
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start...

So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euiexi/my_therapist_told_me_the_way_to_achieve_true/
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My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!

Can you believe that?
Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eui7a0/my_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_this_morning_at_3/
%
A woman goes out boating one day...

A woman takes the boat out one afternoon, but does not come back.  The next day, her husband  answers a knock at the door to two grim-faced State Troopers.
"Good afternoon sir, regarding your wife we have some bad news, good news, and really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Looking at their faces and fearing the worst, the man composes himself and asks for the bad news.
"Very well...  I'm sorry to inform you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay, I’m afraid she passed after her boat capsized yesterday."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the man. "....... then what could possibly be the good news?"
The trooper continued. "Oh, well when we brought her up she had 12 large, and 6 jumbo size blue crabs attached to her."
Stunned, the man demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The trooper then excitedly said, "We're bringing her up again tomorrow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eui6yp/a_woman_goes_out_boating_one_day/
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Dad Joke of the Day

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eui15x/dad_joke_of_the_day/
%
What is Buddah's favorite type of cheese?

Gouddah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euht2u/what_is_buddahs_favorite_type_of_cheese/
%
There's a faint knock on the lawyer's door.

He says, "Come in!" He hears a feeble fumbling at the doorknob. Curious, he goes to the door and opens it and finds a very, very elderly couple.
He immediately rushes to put two chairs in front of his desk, then rushes back to the door to help the couple hobble over to those chairs, and then help them down to sit.
That done, he returns to his own seat behind the desk and says, "Good afternoon! How can I help you?"
The old man croaks up, "My wife and I would like a divorce."
The lawyer's a little taken aback, but keeps his cool and says, "Yes, we handle divorces here. It's one of our services, and we can do this. From the looks of things, it would appear you want to arrange something amicable. Well, that's great, and I can help you with that."
The elderly couple appears pleased.
But the lawyer's brow furrows a bit, and he says, "I hope you won't mind my getting personal right out of the gate here, but... I have to ask... how old are you?"
The man says, "I'm 96, and my wife is 91."
The lawyer chews on this for a second. He then says, "I hope you won't mind my mentioning this, but I have to say, I've never seen... I mean, it's most unusual that..." Then he blurts out, *"Why did you wait so long?"*
And the wife answers this one, saying, "We thought it'd be best to wait 'til the children had died."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euhmqs/theres_a_faint_knock_on_the_lawyers_door/
%
What's a superhero with a bad sense of direction?

Wander Woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euh4bp/whats_a_superhero_with_a_bad_sense_of_direction/
%
Eating Worcestershire sauce--

It's easier done than said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euh33o/eating_worcestershire_sauce/
%
I want to make a really long, bad lizard joke...

But I don't want to let it dragon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euh0lg/i_want_to_make_a_really_long_bad_lizard_joke/
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The peanuts are running around the yard playing tag...

The peanut that is It keeps yelling, “I’m gonna cashew!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eugys5/the_peanuts_are_running_around_the_yard_playing/
%
What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?

A Salad Shooter™️

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eugxub/what_do_you_call_a_vegan_with_diarrhea/
%
Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.
A slope up is an inclined plane.
An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eugxs8/today_my_math_teacher_showed_us_how_a_lazy_dog_is/
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Little Johnny learns politics

One night at the dinner table a little boy asked his father what politics was. The father states, "well son, I make the money in the family, so we will call me the capitalist. Your mother budgets and manages the money, so we will call her the government. Your nanny works for us, so we will call her the working class. And since we all take care of your needs, we will call you the people. And your baby brother, we will call the future. All of us working together is what politics is all about. Now, does that make sense?"
The little boy replies that he will sleep on it and get back to his dad in the morning. In the middle of the night the little boy hears his baby brother crying so he goes down to his room and discovers his baby brother has loaded his diaper. He goes down to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep by herself. Not wanting to disturb his mother he goes down to the nanny's room, but finds the door closed. He looks through the keyhole and sees his father and the nanny getting it on. Not wanting to disturb them, he gives up and goes back to bed.
In the morning at breakfast the little boy tells his father he now understands politics. The father tells the little boy to explain it in his own words. The little boy responds, "well, while the capitalists are screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are ignored, and the future's in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eugtis/little_johnny_learns_politics/
%
I always wanted to be a sugar daddy....

...turns out I only have the money for being some sort of artificial sweetener daddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eughdm/i_always_wanted_to_be_a_sugar_daddy/
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A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a blonde, a duck and a horse walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "is this some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eug2v7/a_priest_a_rabbi_a_minister_a_blonde_a_duck_and_a/
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Why was the blind man so lethargic?

He just couldn't see himself doing anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eufs1e/why_was_the_blind_man_so_lethargic/
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What do you call a Succubus' vagina?

A penus flytrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eufp2x/what_do_you_call_a_succubus_vagina/
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People tend to give teddy bears as gifts for Valentine's Day.

The standard teddy or panda bears seem popular this year. I've got my girlfriend a koala bear because she loves them.
Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eufojq/people_tend_to_give_teddy_bears_as_gifts_for/
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Three Idiots..

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eufo1i/three_idiots/
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Give a man a Fish..

Give a man a fish, and he won't see you dump the body in the lake.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the police arrive..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eufn8f/give_a_man_a_fish/
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I was smoking an e-cigarette in bed and fell asleep.

I woke up to find my whole house was on the internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eufkw0/i_was_smoking_an_ecigarette_in_bed_and_fell_asleep/
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Had sex with my best friend's mother on a moving elevator.

It was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euffvj/had_sex_with_my_best_friends_mother_on_a_moving/
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I tried to re-marry my ex wife

But she figured out I was only after my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euf9zj/i_tried_to_remarry_my_ex_wife/
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euf07u/the_irs_decides_to_audit_grandpa_and_summons_him/
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When basketball stars die they don't pass away

...they cross over
RIP Mamba :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euerik/when_basketball_stars_die_they_dont_pass_away/
%
A wife tried to cut her husbands penis off but only stabbed him in the thigh.

She was charged with a misde-wiener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euer9m/a_wife_tried_to_cut_her_husbands_penis_off_but/
%
Today I changed a light bulb, crossed the road and walked into a bar

I think my life is turning into some sort of joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eueq2m/today_i_changed_a_light_bulb_crossed_the_road_and/
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Pregnancy..

My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl.
Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?
”My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle. ”Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euel9a/pregnancy/
%
Luigi invites Mario over to play some Nintendo Switch...

...as they get ready to fire up some Smash Bros. Mario notices Luigi has a new avatar.
Mario asks, "Say, Luigi, what kind picture is that?"
Luigi says... "It's a Mii, Mario."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eueh8e/luigi_invites_mario_over_to_play_some_nintendo/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euecqp/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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Is buttcheeks one word?

Or do you spread them apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eudub3/is_buttcheeks_one_word/
%
A little boy goes to the zoo for the first time with his parents ....

They go by the elephant pen and the little boy asks his mother, "mommy, what is that thing hanging down?"  She replies, "that's his trunk."  The little boy says, "no, mommy .... hanging down toward the back!"  She quickly replies, "oh, that's the tail."  The little boy asks, "noooo, mommy, in front of the tail!"  The mommy embarrassingly replies, "Ohhh....that.... that's nothing."
.
Dissatisfied, the little boy asks his father the same questions.  "Daddy, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"  His dad says, "that's the trunk."  "Noooo dad, toward the back."  His dad says, "yeah, that's the tail."   "nooooo daddy, in front of the tail!"  The dad sheepishly replies, "umm, just go ask your mother!"  The little boy says "I did and she said it was nothing!"  The dad proudly replies, "Oh how I've spoiled that woman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eudtdj/a_little_boy_goes_to_the_zoo_for_the_first_time/
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what do you call 2 Mexican people playing basketball

juan on juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eudghi/what_do_you_call_2_mexican_people_playing/
%
What do you call Jim from The Office rolling down a hill?

A tuna roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eudc99/what_do_you_call_jim_from_the_office_rolling_down/
%
I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs

Very little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eudbgf/ill_tell_you_what_i_know_about_dwarfs/
%
So I managed to get 2 gallons of gas for only $1.99

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eud9er/so_i_managed_to_get_2_gallons_of_gas_for_only_199/
%
My favourite sex position is called "WOW"...

... its where i flip your MOM over
*im sorry*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eud0zp/my_favourite_sex_position_is_called_wow/
%
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eucwp4/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
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This guy's kid was blind.

So he took it to all manner of doctors and holy people but nobody could help. Eventually he found this witch. And she told him that she can restore sight to the child, but the spell she would cast would kill the father.
The guy resigned himself to death and agreed. The witch cast her voodoo on him and said that in the morning, when the child wakes up it would be able to see once more, but the father would never again wake up.
So the guy goes to a bar and drinks himself out.
The next morning he wakes up on the bar and immediately rushes home. His wife greets him at the door:
"Oh dear, it's a miracle! Our child can once again see the light of day! Happy day! .. shame that Joe the neighbor died this morning though. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euctqk/this_guys_kid_was_blind/
%
Did you hear of the Indians who threw bread at each other to resolve conflicts?

They had a naan aggression pact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eucjr3/did_you_hear_of_the_indians_who_threw_bread_at/
%
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eucfv7/a_doctor_a_priest_and_an_engineer_were_waiting/
%
Doctor: Sir, your DNA is backwards.

Me: And?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eucfc6/doctor_sir_your_dna_is_backwards/
%
My wife warned me not to take any more of the kitchen utensils

but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eucby4/my_wife_warned_me_not_to_take_any_more_of_the/
%
Karen walks into a library

She goes to the librarian says,
"I want a Big Mac and a Coke please"
Librarian looks at her puzzled and says
"This is a library Miss"
Karen replied,
"Oh yes sorry"
(whispers) 'I want a Big Mac and a Coke please'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eucbxn/karen_walks_into_a_library/
%
My wife said she wants a divorce for Valentine's day.

I wasn't planning to spend that much..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euc6mt/my_wife_said_she_wants_a_divorce_for_valentines/
%
Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.
As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.
The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line.
As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque.
Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on...
"These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home."
The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments.
After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives.
"Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?"
"Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euc6di/marine_returns_from_duty_in_iraq_and_is/
%
I think I may have the coronavirus

I drank like 12 of em last night and I feel like shit today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euc5xb/i_think_i_may_have_the_coronavirus/
%
Jesus is sitting in a neighborhood bar having a quiet drink....

An Irishman with a bad leg limps in and says to the bartender, “Is the Our Savior?”
Bartender says “yup”
Irishman says, “Give me a Whisky and set the Saviors up as well”
An Italian man walks in, hunched over from a bad back.  He says to tge bartender, “Is that Our Lord Jesus?”
Bartender says , “Yup”
Italian mN says, “Give me a Vino and I will buy one for Our Lord”
Next, a Hillbilly from West Virginia walks in. He says to the bartender, “ Is that there God’s boy at tge end of tge bar?”
Bartender says, “Yup”
West Virgina Hillbilly says, “Give me a beer, and send one down to Jesus as well”
Some time passes, and Jesus finishes his drinks.  He walks down and tells the Irishman, “Thank you my child, for your generosity Your leg is healed” he touches his forehead.
The Irishman stood up and danced a jig out the door.
Next, Jesus says to the Italian,”Thank you for your thoughtfulness my son, For that, Your back is healed”. Jesus touches tge Italian’s head and the italian does cartwheels out the door.
Next Jesus approaches the West Virginia Hillbilly.  “”Your act of kindness has blessed you my child” and Jesus  reaches out to touch the Hillbilly’s head.
The Hillbilly suddenly winces back and shouts, “Watch what the Hell you are doin’ Jesus? I’m on Disability!!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euc1de/jesus_is_sitting_in_a_neighborhood_bar_having_a/
%
What goes well with a coronavirus?

Lyme disease

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eubv5g/what_goes_well_with_a_coronavirus/
%
My best friend was hospitalized today after shoving 12 small plastic horses in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eubsan/my_best_friend_was_hospitalized_today_after/
%
I reckon I have a lucky gene for russian roulette

My grandad played all the time and he only lost once.
I'll bet my life on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eub7wk/i_reckon_i_have_a_lucky_gene_for_russian_roulette/
%
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eub6gi/pun_enters_a_room_kills_10_people/
%
Her: WTF you only lasted like 2 minutes.

Him: Yes, but it was doggy style so that's like 14 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eub61i/her_wtf_you_only_lasted_like_2_minutes/
%
My wife told me to stop making awful dad jokes.

I told her that she can’t stop me. I’m a groan man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eub1ab/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_making_awful_dad_jokes/
%
Tarzan smart

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong. I'll show you how to do it properly."  She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.  "Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick, right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.  Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Checking for bees!" said Tarzan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euazny/tarzan_smart/
%
If a cannibal uses Uber eats

He would get 2 deliveries at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euavp8/if_a_cannibal_uses_uber_eats/
%
What did they call the Wright brothers after they flew away?

The left brothers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euaqi7/what_did_they_call_the_wright_brothers_after_they/
%
From farm to table...

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euanzd/from_farm_to_table/
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What do you call a reptile that is impotent?

Ereptile dysfunction
I'll see my self out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euan5l/what_do_you_call_a_reptile_that_is_impotent/
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Dad: What are you drinking, son?

Son: Soy milk.
Dad: Hola milk, soy es tu padre!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eual9h/dad_what_are_you_drinking_son/
%
I slept in a box last night and all my friends think I'm homeless now.

I forgot to call no hobo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euai2h/i_slept_in_a_box_last_night_and_all_my_friends/
%
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, "You."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/euafva/a_very_elderly_couple_is_having_an_elegant_dinner/
%
What kind of sandwich does a fish like to eat?

A “gilled” cheese.
I’m sorry. But a joke is a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eua9fi/what_kind_of_sandwich_does_a_fish_like_to_eat/
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What did Kermit the frog say when Jim Henson died?

Nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eua6yj/what_did_kermit_the_frog_say_when_jim_henson_died/
%
Life is like toilet paper

Either you’re on a roll or taking shit from someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eua0e4/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
%
My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is sexy

but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm terrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu9tyt/my_wife_thinks_her_ability_to_tie_a_cherry_stem/
%
Did you know? If a singer sings on stage their voice will echo but if a pigeon coos it doesn't

Because acoustics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu9rzr/did_you_know_if_a_singer_sings_on_stage_their/
%
A man walks into a bar

Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:
Hot dog – $2
Cheeseburger – $5
Hand job – $10
He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu9qcw/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
People always fondly say, "If these walls could talk, they could tell some crazy stories"

Don't bother, my walls could talk and all they did was moan my dad's name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu9q1y/people_always_fondly_say_if_these_walls_could/
%
A girl I am dating said, "I expect to be treated like a Disney Princess."

So I told her to pretend she is the Little Mermaid and stop talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu9puv/a_girl_i_am_dating_said_i_expect_to_be_treated/
%
The American Foundation for the Blind has done such good work for blind people across America

I really wish they could see what good they’ve done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu97hq/the_american_foundation_for_the_blind_has_done/
%
What does a wife and a hand grenade have in common?

Pull the ring and your house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu91g6/what_does_a_wife_and_a_hand_grenade_have_in_common/
%
3 nuns are painting a church

The first nun says to the other nuns "I don't want to get my clothes dirty so I am going to paint naked."
The second nun says "I don't want to get my clothes dirty either"
The third nun agrees with the other two and takes her clothes off too.
The nuns have been painting the church for awhile now and they hear a knock at the back door.
The first nun asks "Who is it?"
The stranger responds with "Blind guy"
The third nun looks at the first nun and says "It's okay we can let him in, he's blind"
The first nun says to the second nun "Open the door for him"
The second nun goes over to the door and opens it. The guy looks at the nun and says "Nice tits, where do you want your blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu8yqn/3_nuns_are_painting_a_church/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put the wrong socks on today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu8vhx/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
What is it called when secret agents try BDSM?

James Bondage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu8v9b/what_is_it_called_when_secret_agents_try_bdsm/
%
A man walks into a juice bar and orders a smoothie. The Mexican behind the counter says "would you like to add any milk protein?"

The man responds, "No whey Jose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu8niz/a_man_walks_into_a_juice_bar_and_orders_a/
%
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and
important document here and my Secretary has gone for
the night. Can you make this thing work?"
“Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine
on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper
disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu8g3n/an_employee_was_leaving_the_office_late_one/
%
I once thought I spotted a Leopard

But It turns out they are born like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu8dsp/i_once_thought_i_spotted_a_leopard/
%
What will most millenials buy during their mid-life crisis?

Their first home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu8cuq/what_will_most_millenials_buy_during_their/
%
[NSFW] If a lion could talk, what would be the first thing it would say?

"Get off my fucking land!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu8c6v/nsfw_if_a_lion_could_talk_what_would_be_the_first/
%
Yo momma is so ugly

That your father no longer finds her attractive and I am seriously concerned about the health of their marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu84og/yo_momma_is_so_ugly/
%
I like to take the elevator while my brother from another mother likes to take the stairs.

I guess he is more of a step-brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu7xy5/i_like_to_take_the_elevator_while_my_brother_from/
%
I have a friend who worked in Chicago his entire life tell me it isn't that violent...

He is a tail gunner on a school bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu7tem/i_have_a_friend_who_worked_in_chicago_his_entire/
%
Dad Joke of the Day

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu7qko/dad_joke_of_the_day/
%
Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines?

They're painful to look at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu7jsn/why_does_helen_keller_hate_porcupines/
%
My professional Hide and Seek tournament was a complete failure.

Good players are hard to find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu7hh7/my_professional_hide_and_seek_tournament_was_a/
%
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu7ft9/after_hearing_me_sing_for_the_first_time_my_music/
%
I used to have a superiority complex

I’m better now, though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu7fcl/i_used_to_have_a_superiority_complex/
%
What did the catcus say to the other cactus?

"You're a prick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu769j/what_did_the_catcus_say_to_the_other_cactus/
%
What’s the difference between light and hard?

You can fall asleep with a light on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu74u3/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
Why is North Korea worse than South Korea ?

Because it has no Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu7022/why_is_north_korea_worse_than_south_korea/
%
A bus full of ugly people crashes

Everyone dies and they all go up to the pearly gates. St. Peter approaches the first person in line.
“My dear. You get one wish before you enter the kingdom of heaven. What is it?
The ugly person replies. “I’ve been ugly my entire life. I’d love to experience what it would be like to be beautiful. I wish to spend eternity as a beautiful person.”
St. Peter then touches their forehead and they instantly become beautiful.  He then approaches the second person in line and asks them the same question.
The second person replies, “You know, that sounds pretty good. I’ve been ugly my entire life. I wish to be beautiful as well.”
St. Peter grants them that wish. Just then the last person in line starts giggling. St. Peter sees this but moves on.
Each person in line asks for the same thing. To be beautiful. St. Peter grants them each their wish and they’re instantly transformed into beautiful people.
St. Peter gets to the last person in line who is rolling on the ground  with laughter. St. Peter says, “Son, I can’t imagine what could be so funny. But in accordance with procedure I must grant you a final wish.
The guy looks at St. Peter while shaking with laughter and says, “Make them all ugly again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu6ybp/a_bus_full_of_ugly_people_crashes/
%
Wife is pregnant

Wife- *I’m pregnant*
Husband- *Hi pregnant, I’m dad*
Wife- *No, you’re not*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu6x53/wife_is_pregnant/
%
Did you hear about the man who was rushed to hospital after sticking six little plastic horses up his butt?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu6tt3/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_was_rushed_to/
%
At a job interview

Recruiter: What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?
Applicant: Being sincere, i think.
Recruiter: Why I don’t consider sincerity to be a weakn...
Applicant: I don’t give a fuck about what you think, really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu6s4w/at_a_job_interview/
%
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu6epx/just_found_the_worst_page_in_the_entire_dictionary/
%
Thoughts and prayers

I went to my pastor and asked him to pray for my hearing. He put his hands on my ears and prayed. Afterwards he asked, "how's your hearing?"
I replied, "it's not until next Tuesday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu6e16/thoughts_and_prayers/
%
I know why the Coronavirus will not become a serious threat and will be contained and cured

anything "Made in China" never works properly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu69h7/i_know_why_the_coronavirus_will_not_become_a/
%
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today....

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Thanks for the silver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu689g/i_bought_a_dog_off_a_blacksmith_today/
%
This girl always looks at me when I'm in class. But when I asked her out she ran away.

Well... Jokes on her, now I'm gonna make her fail my class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu652e/this_girl_always_looks_at_me_when_im_in_class_but/
%
An old man was sitting on his porch

when he sees a boy ride his bike down the street with rolls of Duct tape hanging from the handle bars. Curious he asks the boy " Hey Boy, what ya doing with all that Duct Tape????" To which the boy responds " I'm going to catch me some DUCKS!" The old man doesn't think anything of it but than a few hours later he sees the boy riding home with 3 ducks tied to his handle bars.
The next day the old man sees the same boy riding down the street, this time with a big roll of chicken wire hanging off his handle bars so he asks, " Hey boy, what ya gonna do with all that chicken wire??" and the boy responds, " Im going to catch me some chickens!!". Again, the old man shakes his head and thinks nothing of it until he sees, in disbelief,  the same boy riding home later that afternoon with 3 chickens tied to his handle bars.
The next day, the man sees the boy riding down the street with all sorts of sticks tied to his handle bars so the man asks "Hey Boy, whatchya doing with all those sticks???" and the boy replies  "Mister, these aren't sticks, they're pussy willows." The man stands up and says "let me get my coat"
admittedly, this joke is better spoken and not written

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu63r5/an_old_man_was_sitting_on_his_porch/
%
Why does KFC not have any toilet paper?

Because it's finger licking' good!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu5z3x/why_does_kfc_not_have_any_toilet_paper/
%
Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu5ugt/hi_im_buzz_aldrin_second_person_to_step_on_the/
%
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?

Charizard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu5sxp/what_did_charizard_say_to_pikachu/
%
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu5lo5/the_internet_connection_at_my_farm_was_really/
%
god is high and mighty

but sometimes when I see the shitty work he did I wish he was just mighty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu5kzm/god_is_high_and_mighty/
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The Pope at Heaven's Gate ...

(a freely translated joke of my grandma - the translation might not be perfect)
... St. Peter opens the gates and asks the pope for his name.
"I am the pope" he answers. "The pope?" Peter mutters "I am sorry, but I don't have a pope in my book."
"But I am God's deputy on earth, head of the catholic church!" the pope insists. "The catholic church? No clue what you mean. But wait, I go and ask the boss."
Peter goes to God and reports: "Lord, there is someone at the gate who calls himself pope. He says he is your deputy on earth and mentioned a catholic church." "Never heard of it" is God's response "But wait, I will ask my son! Jesus!" he called.
Jesus came running to his father and God and Peter explained the situation. "I don't believe it!" Jesus gasped "Remember the small fishing club I founded 2000 years ago? This thing is still around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu5kfh/the_pope_at_heavens_gate/
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How many super sayans do you need to screw a lightbulb?

One, but it takes 10 episodes and Krillin dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu5ayi/how_many_super_sayans_do_you_need_to_screw_a/
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NASA builds a rocket that’s shaped like a penis

One of the workers comes up to the head engineer and asks,
“Will it fly?”
“I’m not sure, but it’ll definitely get up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu5aga/nasa_builds_a_rocket_thats_shaped_like_a_penis/
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What did mammy corn say to baby corn when daddy didn't come home?????

Wheres popcorn.
Sorry for the corny joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu540i/what_did_mammy_corn_say_to_baby_corn_when_daddy/
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Every time someone shakes my hand

they are strangling my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu4wql/every_time_someone_shakes_my_hand/
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What's the difference between a dentist's drill and a feminist?

One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high-pitched whine and the other is a piece of medical equipment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu4wiy/whats_the_difference_between_a_dentists_drill_and/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

The violation of a light socket with a foreign object is something only a rape apologist would make a joke about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu4rlz/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What's got 90 balls and screws old women?

BINGO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu4o8l/whats_got_90_balls_and_screws_old_women/
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Parenting is easy, I swear

Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the swear jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu4kwj/parenting_is_easy_i_swear/
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Got something stuck under my keyboard

But its okay, its under ctrl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu4cyv/got_something_stuck_under_my_keyboard/
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An usual conversation on Tinder

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your tiddies?
W: Sure, send me 20$
Sending money.
M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your butt?
W: No problems, send another 50$
After a while.
M: Damn, awesome. You wouldn’t mind to send me a nice pic of your vajayjay?
W: 100$ and the pic is yours.
The doctor closes his app and covers the body.
D: So, who said you can’t make good money as a pathologist at the morgue?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu4b1t/an_usual_conversation_on_tinder/
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How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu45li/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_an_indian/
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The girl quit her job at the doughnut factory...

because she was fed up with the hole business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu405p/the_girl_quit_her_job_at_the_doughnut_factory/
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Many pilots end up using drugs...

Its easy for them to get high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu3t1a/many_pilots_end_up_using_drugs/
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You know what goes well with Coronavirus?

Lyme Disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu3out/you_know_what_goes_well_with_coronavirus/
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Two old ladies smoking outside a nursing home...

Nancy: Billy came to see me today!
Betty: That's nice... I wish Karla would come visit.
It starts to rain a little bit, so Nancy pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors from her purse, snips off the tip, slips it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
Betty: What's that?
Nancy: It's a condom, to keep my cigarette dry.
Betty: Where can I get one?
Nancy: You can get it any any pharmacy.
The next day, Betty goes to the store for some cigarettes, and remembers that she should buy some condoms, so she goes over to the pharmacy clerk.
Betty: Where can I find the condoms?
Jim the clerk is now blushing and embarrassed.
Jim: They're in aisle 3.
Betty goes to the isle, and finds that there are multiple sizes and not labeled for any of her brands, so she goes back to the clerk.
Betty: I'm not sure which size to purchase.
Jim: Well the magnums are for something about the size of a large cigar.
Betty: No I don't need anything quite that size.
Jim: Can you give me an idea of what it needs to fit?
Betty: Anything that will fit over a camel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu3koh/two_old_ladies_smoking_outside_a_nursing_home/
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My father promised me he would take me to Niagara Falls and then canceled

It was a Falls promise! :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu3ih1/my_father_promised_me_he_would_take_me_to_niagara/
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Do Buddhists consider YOLO offensive?

Asking for a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu3ge8/do_buddhists_consider_yolo_offensive/
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Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu3f8d/why_dont_chinese_kids_believe_in_santa/
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Did you hear about Coronas new marketing campaign?

Apparently it's gone viral in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu3eme/did_you_hear_about_coronas_new_marketing_campaign/
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When I was younger, I stole a cookie after Sunday school. As I was creeping away, I was caught red handed by a priest.

I was fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu3dpm/when_i_was_younger_i_stole_a_cookie_after_sunday/
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What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?

Snowballs
Courtesy of my daughter who comes home and asks if I want to hear a "dirty joke" she overheard from some elder school mates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu398u/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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Dad Joke of the Day

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu35yn/dad_joke_of_the_day/
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The other day, I read that people eat more bananas than monkeys.

No surprises there. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu35aa/the_other_day_i_read_that_people_eat_more_bananas/
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If you're feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig.

It's a look that anyone can pull off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu344y/if_youre_feeling_unattractive_consider_buying_a/
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"Esrowneve" may look like gibberish...

...but when you spell it backward, it's even worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu304e/esrowneve_may_look_like_gibberish/
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Many years ago, St. Peter introduced some antimony trisulfide and potassium chlorate to a small stick of wood.

It was a match made in heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu2w59/many_years_ago_st_peter_introduced_some_antimony/
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Lorena Bobbitt has died in a car crash

Apparently, some dick cut her off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu2qfa/lorena_bobbitt_has_died_in_a_car_crash/
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The broken light

Recently I was having trouble with my light switch so I called for the maintenance guy.
An old grizzled Chinese man arrived shortly after and inspected the switch. He stated that the light switch was working perfectly fine but noted that indeed it was not working as I had said.
"This is not a job for just one person. You need more people to help you." He said, so I got my wife to help. Still no good.
"More people" he said as he saw it still not working. So at that point, I got my son and daughter to help as well but still no luck
"Many more." He said. Luckily the neighbours were home and after a quick discussion with them I had the whole clan from next door over to help. In total there were now 11 people, plus the maintenance man in the lounge.
At this point the maintenance man tells me to get everyone to touch the switch and to try it again and sure enough, it worked. I was flabbergasted and asked how and why this had worked now where it wouldn't before with just myself
He replied " Many hands make light work"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu2nsx/the_broken_light/
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Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.

Then I lost my job as a driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu2lsr/today_was_a_terrible_day_first_my_ex_got_hit_by_a/
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What's the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles. There's a mile between the S's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu2jcr/whats_the_longest_word_in_the_dictionary/
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What fruit is part of the American military?

A Naval Orange!!
Sorry if this is a repost, I didn’t check first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu2ieh/what_fruit_is_part_of_the_american_military/
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The first time Snoop Dogg bought a pot pie he was probably very disappointed.

I’m sorry but I thought of this and nearly peed myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu2dmj/the_first_time_snoop_dogg_bought_a_pot_pie_he_was/
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What do you call a nervous Sith Lord?

Panakin Skywalker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu28xa/what_do_you_call_a_nervous_sith_lord/
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The other day I got my kids a dog and they called it Sky

Guess I’m a Jedi now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu2775/the_other_day_i_got_my_kids_a_dog_and_they_called/
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What do you call the offspring of a king and queen mattress?

An heir mattress...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu26j1/what_do_you_call_the_offspring_of_a_king_and/
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What’s the difference between a church bell and a politician?

I church bell peals from the steeple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu1v4i/whats_the_difference_between_a_church_bell_and_a/
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Ocean walks in to a bar

Bartender says "why so blue?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu1koh/ocean_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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What do you call a noodle bowl that was accidentally made much smaller than intended?

A pho cup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu1gd8/what_do_you_call_a_noodle_bowl_that_was/
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(NSFW) Guy walks into the Doctors Office and says....

"DDDDDoc, I've beeeeen stutttttttering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Cccccan yyyou helllp me?"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on." So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.
The guy says, "Weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc?
Doc says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
Guy says, "Wwwaat caaan we dddo?
Doc says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
Guy says, "Doooo it!"
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore.
She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."
The doc says, "Nope... .A ddddeal's a dddddeal!!!
V (Thank you V's Jokes) <----FB page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu1fxv/nsfw_guy_walks_into_the_doctors_office_and_says/
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A cowboy asked me if I can help him round up 18 cows...

I  said, "Of course I can. That's 20 cows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu1bha/a_cowboy_asked_me_if_i_can_help_him_round_up_18/
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So I needed to go to the bathroom when I was at the public pool

so I decided that I wasn't bothered to go to the toilet
And I figured that I was at the deep end so no one would see
So I peed right then and there
And the lifeguard shouted "HEY!"
when the lifeguard shouted that I nearly fell in the pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu1a23/so_i_needed_to_go_to_the_bathroom_when_i_was_at/
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What word starts with t ends with t and has t in it?

Teapot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu1241/what_word_starts_with_t_ends_with_t_and_has_t_in/
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If you're happy and you know it

It's your meds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu11ts/if_youre_happy_and_you_know_it/
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Two Irishmen are looking for work

They see a sign for work that says, "Tree Fellers wanted." Pat turns to Murphy and says, "If only Shamus were here, we'd a got the job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu114t/two_irishmen_are_looking_for_work/
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To the handicap guy who stole my bag

You can hide, but you can’t run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu10ib/to_the_handicap_guy_who_stole_my_bag/
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How did Adam see himself?

From first person perspective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu0t03/how_did_adam_see_himself/
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I'm currently having sex with twins and its great!!!

My friends were all amazed when I told then. They asked "how can you tell them apart?"
"That's easy" I tell them.
" Rebecca's left breast is slightly larger than her right one. And Randy has a huge cock. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu0oyq/im_currently_having_sex_with_twins_and_its_great/
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Trees

I accidentally posted this to the Reddit subgroup "funny". Hopefully I have the right spot now!
Two trees are growing up side by side in the forest one is a birch tree, and one is a beech tree. They are so conceited, theyrarely noticed the rest of the forest around them. Until one day, they look down and notice a young sapling growing up between them. One asks the other, is this the son of a birch, or a son of a beech? Neither of them knew, but as luck would have it, a woodpecker floated in and landed on the young sapling. So they asked him, is this the son of a birch or is it the son of a beech? The woodpecker said, one moment gentlemen. And then he tapped on the sapling for a moment, and then munched the fibers in his mouth. Then he looked up to the two trees and said I am sorry to tell you gentlemen this is neither the son of a birch, nor is it the son of a beech. It is however, the very best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in!
I do not proclaim to be the originator of this joke. It is just the best joke I know, and whenever I tell it, people laugh like crazy. As I have been following this subreddit for a while, I have never seen this one reposted, and this subreddit seems to be ripe with reposts. I hope you enjoyed it. If I don't get too many complaints I'll start telling more of my old guy jokes. I am 49 years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu0km0/trees/
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I said some terrible things about my coworkers newborn

She said he was a week old baby and I thought we were roasting him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu0iaj/i_said_some_terrible_things_about_my_coworkers/
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Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu0gbf/would_you_like_the_soup_or_salad/
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I was so poor growing up...

if I didn't wake up with a hard on, I had nothing to play with all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu0fpu/i_was_so_poor_growing_up/
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What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can’t helium.
Or curium.
You just gotta barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu0cyn/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
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How do you spot a blind man at the nude beach?

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu0bx8/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_the_nude_beach/
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“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.

“And I love you tons.” I replied.
“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eu041v/i_love_you_loads_honey_pie_my_wife_said_earlier/
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Where do little kid jokes come from?

Well, first a dad joke walks into a bar, sees a your mama joke, thinks she’s pretty and next thing you know they knock knock and there’s a little pun in the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etzxzb/where_do_little_kid_jokes_come_from/
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My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t slutty,

but I saw right through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etzq0z/my_daughter_was_trying_to_convince_me_that_the/
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Who would have thought that China would be the one to solve the Climate Change crisis?

Can't pollute the planet if we're all dead, right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etzn2z/who_would_have_thought_that_china_would_be_the/
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They say "you are what you eat"...

… which can't be true, because I don't feel like a large Italian with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etzk6e/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
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Stop saying "chinese coronavirus"

Start saying KUNG FLU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etzfok/stop_saying_chinese_coronavirus/
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Career Choices

As a child, I thought about being a musician, but all my efforts fell flat.
In High School, my teachers seemed to be pushing a career as an astronaut, but then I realized they had something else in mind when they said I was “a real space cadet.”
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
I had hopes of being a professional Bridge player, but I had no finesse so they shuffled me out the door.
Next, I became a personal trainer, but was asked to leave because I wasn’t working out.
I tried working in a muffler factory, but I found that too exhausting.
So, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but in the end I didn’t have the patients for it.
Next was a job in a shoe factory.  I tried, I really did, but I just didn’t fit in.
As a professional fisherman, I couldn’t catch on and hence I couldn’t live on my net income.
So I tried computer software, but couldn’t get with the program.
I thought I might be one of those professional eaters—pies, hot dogs, and the like—but I didn’t have the stomach for it.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian—until I realized there was no future in it.
I was beginning to feel like my grandfather who was an executioner in the old West.  He could never get the hang of it, so they cut him loose.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but I eventually quit because it was always the same old grind.
So I tried retirement, and you know what?  I’m perfect for the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etzem7/career_choices/
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I used to have problems with grammatical tenses

But not yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etze0z/i_used_to_have_problems_with_grammatical_tenses/
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In the future, TVs will be 15 feet wide, only 2 inches tall,

and movies will still have those damn black bars on the top and bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etz6kk/in_the_future_tvs_will_be_15_feet_wide_only_2/
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I really hate stereotyping.

The novel my stereo typed was garbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etz5qt/i_really_hate_stereotyping/
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Bob Rob and Knob find a magic water park and decide to go inside

Inside the park they came across a wizard next to a big slide and decide to approach him. As they reach the wizard says:
"Welcome to my magic slide, whatever you shout as you go down the slide is what the swimming pool at the end will be full of"
The 3 friends excitedly climb up the slide and get ready to slide down -
Bob decides to go down the slide first, and as he slides down shouts "Moneeey"
When he reaches the end he is greeted with a swimming pool full of $100 bills.
Rob decides to go next and as he goes down the slide shouts "Gold" and was greeted with a pool full of gold.
Knob goes last, as he jumps down the slide he realises that the slide is way faster than it looks and screams "HOLY SHIT"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etz3ze/bob_rob_and_knob_find_a_magic_water_park_and/
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My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day

So I nip out and fuck his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etywtp/my_doctor_put_me_on_a_strict_vegan_diet_but_every/
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To who ever said I should take the bus home from the pub instead of my car,

I was too drunk to drive that as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etyvei/to_who_ever_said_i_should_take_the_bus_home_from/
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A black man becomes Orthodox...

A black man converts to Greek orthodoxy. One day he walks into a church out of town. An old woman sees him, and perceives he performs all the ritual motions exactly.
She walks up to him and asks "Sonnie, tell me true, you Greek?"
He says "no".
Again, she sees he performs all the rituals perfectly and no non-Greek has ever done this. She walks up to him again and says "Young man, tell me true, you Greek?"
"No. My forebearers came from Africa."
Again she sees he knows all the rituals and does everything perfectly. She goes to him again "Son, tell me true, you Greek?"
He doesn't want her to come back so he says "yes."
She said "Oh!"
She walks away, but as she does so, she turns around and says "you don't look Greek."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etyu8r/a_black_man_becomes_orthodox/
%
I pulled into my driveway, and someone had painted a large number 3 on my garage door.

I thought, “That’s odd.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etytju/i_pulled_into_my_driveway_and_someone_had_painted/
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So people have been in a fuss over the Corona virus recently...

Why can’t we just call it alcoholism? Political correctness has gone too far, I tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etyqcw/so_people_have_been_in_a_fuss_over_the_corona/
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Two blondes find a set of tracks in the snow.

"They're rabbit tracks!" Said Trixie.
"No, silly, they're Bear tracks!" Said Susie.
This went on for a while, until the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etykyt/two_blondes_find_a_set_of_tracks_in_the_snow/
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The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etyjrm/the_man_who_invented_velcro_has_died/
%
What did the incompetent terrorist say?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etyef0/what_did_the_incompetent_terrorist_say/
%
I was walking by a mental hospital and heard all of the patients shouting "13...13...13..".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a gap in the planks so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some asshole immediately poked me in the eye with a stick, then they started shouting "14...14...14.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etycdp/i_was_walking_by_a_mental_hospital_and_heard_all/
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What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig ?

The F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ety9md/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
If your superpower is to shapeshift, do not transform into an Indian garment

Or you'll be Sari

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ety8xi/if_your_superpower_is_to_shapeshift_do_not/
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It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.

But it's harder to deter gents.
I'll let myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ety6c9/its_easy_to_convince_ladies_not_to_eat_tide_pods/
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I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ety4gy/i_once_tried_shoplifting_a_james_bond_dvd/
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Recently started therapy with the wife.

Fucking great, now two people hate me, both have my number and I'm paying both of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ety3sp/recently_started_therapy_with_the_wife/
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I wanted to tell a joke about Corona Virus

It might become viral due to reposts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ety07o/i_wanted_to_tell_a_joke_about_corona_virus/
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I've decided to sell my Roomba.

It was just collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etxybp/ive_decided_to_sell_my_roomba/
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Got bit by a tick in China.

Now I have Corona with Lime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etxu35/got_bit_by_a_tick_in_china/
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What do you call a sick eagle?

Illegal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etxqkz/what_do_you_call_a_sick_eagle/
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We need to thank the guy who invented Venetian blinds for saving mankind

Without him it would be curtains for us all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etxicz/we_need_to_thank_the_guy_who_invented_venetian/
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People: Time flies when you’re having fun

Frogs: Time is fun when you’re having flies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etxhwy/people_time_flies_when_youre_having_fun/
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Did you hear about the dangerous deadly virus in China?

It's called communism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etxbg6/did_you_hear_about_the_dangerous_deadly_virus_in/
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What is another name for Male Sex Toys or Technology you use?

Erectronics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etx49q/what_is_another_name_for_male_sex_toys_or/
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Why did China cancel Chinese New Years?

Everybody was kung-flu fighting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etwuga/why_did_china_cancel_chinese_new_years/
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etws51/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...

You can’t tell me that was just a coincidence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etwr18/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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A man walks into a hunting store and asks if they have the best camouflage clothing.

The store owner goes looking for it for several minutes but finally comes back to the man and says :
"Sorry, but I just couldn't find them"
The man then leaves the store satisfied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etwkfo/a_man_walks_into_a_hunting_store_and_asks_if_they/
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My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etwckj/my_twin_brother_prefers_to_take_the_stairs_but_i/
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A flat earther’s greatest fear

is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etwa7p/a_flat_earthers_greatest_fear/
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I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl

It's 27

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etw73s/i_can_count_on_one_hand_the_number_of_times_ive/
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I try wearing tight jeans..

but I could never pull them off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etvrwu/i_try_wearing_tight_jeans/
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Priest/Nun - Man/Wife

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.
The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."
"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun.
They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."
"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own damn blankets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etvnza/priestnun_manwife/
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IBS

I got in a fight with a guy who had irritable bowel syndrome...I beat the shit out of him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etvn9t/ibs/
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I like my coffee like I like my women...

Drunk passenger: Could I get some coffee?
Flight attendant: How would you like your coffee?
Passenger: I like my coffee like I like my women.
Flight attendant: Sir, I don't think you want to pay $100 for a cup of coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etvawn/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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Why don’t the Chinese believe in Santa?

Because they make all of the toys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etv4cc/why_dont_the_chinese_believe_in_santa/
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You know what's 6.9 ?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etuwgd/you_know_whats_69/
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God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”
Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives
“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules... you’re not allowed in unless you’ve had like a really bad day”
The man doesn’t pause before screaming:
“Bad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now and I decided to come home at lunch and catch her in the act. So I go up to my apartment on the 10th floor and I nearly bust straight in. Anyway she’s lying on the couch, naked and screaming at me! I can’t find the guy anywhere, until I go outside on the balcony and there’s this guy, naked, holding on to the balcony floor. And he’s screaming at me too! Well next thing I go into this rage... I just stomp on his hands and he falls the ten storeys. But at the bottom these branches break his fall, and he starts to get up! He’s alive! So I grab the nearest thing, our fridge, and I haul it out onto the edge of the balcony and lever t over the railing, sending it right at him. I don’t know what happened next though cause I gave myself a heart attack while doing it!”
Peter nods “wow yeah that is rough. In ya come”. The next guy in line walks up, naked
“Hey so yeah, new rules, you have to have had a bad day to get in”
“Well let me tell ya. I was home sick from work and I just got out of the shower. Anyway I walked out onto my balcony of my fifteen floor apartment to get some fresh air. A gust of wind whipped my towel off and I reached out to grab it... but I ended up falling over the edge! Luckily I managed to turn mid-air and grab onto this balcony. So I am hanging there, screaming for someone to help me when this god damn mad man comes running out and starts stamping on my fingers! I then fall ten storeys, but I’m saved! All these branches in these trees at the bottom slowly break my fall. I was just getting my bearings when I look up and a fridge is flying at my face”
Peter nods... perplexed... “wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds rough, in ya go... next”
This other guy walks up, and Peter says “same as the last two, you’ve had to have had a bad day to get in”
The guy looks at him and goes
“Okay. So imagine this. You’re naked inside a fridge”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etuvnm/god_notices_heaven_is_getting_a_bit_crowded/
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I Introduced my GF to my EX

She got upset. I guess she didn't like the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etunfq/i_introduced_my_gf_to_my_ex/
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A newly wed man worried "Why does my wife behave weirdly during sex?"

A recently married man goes to the Doctor, and asks:
"Doctor: Why does my wife behave weirdly during sex? When I fuck her, her toes curl up!"
And the doctor replies "Sir, you have to take her tights off first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etub9n/a_newly_wed_man_worried_why_does_my_wife_behave/
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Yesterday I was diagnosed with multiple personalities disorder

No you weren't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etu13b/yesterday_i_was_diagnosed_with_multiple/
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Marriage is like a deck of cards

It starts with Hearts and Diamonds and finishes with a Club and a Spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ettzs5/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/
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Aman walks into a bar...

...with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish.... each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want A million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."
"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ettxk2/aman_walks_into_a_bar/
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The alphabet is terrifying...

A bee sea, sounds fucking terrifying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ettv84/the_alphabet_is_terrifying/
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What do you call a nun who passed her driving test?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ettv39/what_do_you_call_a_nun_who_passed_her_driving_test/
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My grief councilor died recently.

Clearly did a good job, cause I didn't give a fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ettpl7/my_grief_councilor_died_recently/
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What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

Stand back I don't know how long this thing gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ettchi/what_was_the_first_thing_adam_said_to_eve/
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Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long.

Because it’s made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ett1ym/dont_worry_the_coronavirus_wont_last_long/
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Why did the dressmaker have trouble getting a boyfriend?

She smelled like a sewer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etsw6z/why_did_the_dressmaker_have_trouble_getting_a/
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There are so many news items about Wuhan...

It looks like China is going viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etsv6u/there_are_so_many_news_items_about_wuhan/
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An SEO writer walks into a

{ bar | pub | public house | drinking establishment }

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etso4r/an_seo_writer_walks_into_a/
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A guy got a job as a postman. On his first day, he was handed a letter. He looked at it...

And thought, “this isn’t for me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etsle8/a_guy_got_a_job_as_a_postman_on_his_first_day_he/
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Without our watches, our argument about the time of day could have gone on forever

But since we were tired from a long day of spelunking, we decided to call it a night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etskje/without_our_watches_our_argument_about_the_time/
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Exercise for seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.
Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etscex/exercise_for_seniors/
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I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which’ll leave only one country and the Persian Gulf .

Just Kuwait and sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ets2vt/i_predict_in_years_to_come_therell_be_a_nuclear/
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Always give 110%

Unless you're a statistician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etrzd5/always_give_110/
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What do you call the wife of a hippie?

Mississippi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etryui/what_do_you_call_the_wife_of_a_hippie/
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Why wouldn’t the lifeguard save the drowning hippy?

He was too far out man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etrye6/why_wouldnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_drowning_hippy/
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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etroy4/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
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A teacher asks the student

That "If there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?"
The student says"None, cause they'd all fly away."
The teacher says"Well the answer is 4 but I like the way you think."
The student then asks"Ma'am,I have a question for you; If 3 women are eating Ice cream cones, one licking, one biting and one sucking. Which one is married?"
To that the teacher says"Obviously the one sucking"
The student then replies"Well the answer is the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etrnbc/a_teacher_asks_the_student/
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I can make anything disappear

I can make disappear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etrgfh/i_can_make_anything_disappear/
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Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.

Husband: Why not just
throw it in the trash? That's
much easier.
Wife: But there are poor
starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey,
anyone who fits into your
clothing is not starving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etrezn/wife_i_have_a_bag_full_of_used_clothing_id_like/
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A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,”
replied Dr.Santa.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested.
“I mean you haven’t done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left
the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it
out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of
the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said,
“I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely,
100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a
few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the
bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell
me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etr7vt/a_woman_brought_a_very_limp_duck_to_drsanta_a/
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A doe walks out of the woods looking bewildered.

“I’m never doing that for two bucks again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etr7ew/a_doe_walks_out_of_the_woods_looking_bewildered/
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That spice mix took too long to make

It was a waste of my thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etr1r8/that_spice_mix_took_too_long_to_make/
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Pope taking a shower!

The Pope was having a shower and although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.  Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.  "Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, “You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!".  "This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for the rest of my life with these photos!"  So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.  The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.  Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.  Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?"  Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million Dollars.."  "TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper, "Wow! They must have seen you coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etr17p/pope_taking_a_shower/
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Girl out wits cop

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etqx59/girl_out_wits_cop/
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A Single Man Goes Up to The Check Out

He places a pizza for one. Bottle of coke and a block of chocolate on the counter.
The cashier says "Single Huh?"
The man laughs and replies 'hah yeah how could you tell?'
The cashier "Well, because your fucking ugly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etqvn6/a_single_man_goes_up_to_the_check_out/
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Brazil has half the number of guns in comparison to the USA but twice the number of deaths by gunshot, you know what that means?

That Brazilians have a great aim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etqlc7/brazil_has_half_the_number_of_guns_in_comparison/
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6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
*Moral of the story:*
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
**Lesson 2:**
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
*Moral of the story:*
Always let your boss have the first say
**Lesson 3:**
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
*Moral of the story:*
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
**Lesson 4**
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
*Moral of the story:*
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up
**Lesson 5:**
Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
*Moral of the story:*
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there
**Lesson 6**
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
*Moral of the story:*
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etqg7d/6_life_lessons/
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etqe16/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_down_a_mine/
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As we watched an anti-vaxxer's toddler throw a tantrum, my friend asked "What's his problem?"

"Mid-life crisis", I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etqaxf/as_we_watched_an_antivaxxers_toddler_throw_a/
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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr sheep, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest."
The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing, and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr tiger, don't drink beer. Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest."
The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit, and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw, and starts mauling the shit out of this rabbit!
The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they say, "Dude, what the fuck? He was just trying to help you!"
The tiger turns to them and say, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etq9s3/a_rabbit_is_hopping_through_the_woods_hop_hop_hop/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's fully groan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etq82a/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them

The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"
Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"
Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etq38t/3_vampires_are_having_a_competition_to_prove_whos/
%
How do you know a joke is a dad joke?

It's apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etq319/how_do_you_know_a_joke_is_a_dad_joke/
%
I was at a bar when

I ordered a Corona from the bartender.
He sneezed on me....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etq167/i_was_at_a_bar_when/
%
I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etq0vn/i_bought_a_new_deodorant_yesterday_the/
%
I would like to be a quality inspector at a mirror factory.

It’s a job I could really see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etpp7m/i_would_like_to_be_a_quality_inspector_at_a/
%
I work with the DNA

The National Dyslexic association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etpaeh/i_work_with_the_dna/
%
You got to hand it to short people

Because they usually can’t reach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etp5qf/you_got_to_hand_it_to_short_people/
%
What do you say to Simba while he's moving too slowly?

Mufasa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etp2xl/what_do_you_say_to_simba_while_hes_moving_too/
%
They all told Beethoven he could never be a composer

But did he listen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etp16v/they_all_told_beethoven_he_could_never_be_a/
%
One of my friend, an introvert is amazingly cool person. You give him time and will start to grow on you....

He really is a fungi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etoyan/one_of_my_friend_an_introvert_is_amazingly_cool/
%
I was driving along and saw a suitcase on the side of the road, so I pulled over to investigate.

When I opened it up I saw a family of badgers.
I immediately pulled my phone out and rang the Animal Rescue number.
"Hi, I've just found a family of badgers in a suitcase."
“Are they alive?"
"No idea, I'm not a vet."
"Well are they moving?"
"Oh yeah, good point. That explains the suitcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etoj5f/i_was_driving_along_and_saw_a_suitcase_on_the/
%
What do you do for someone who has just started getting into bdsm?

Show em the ropes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etoih4/what_do_you_do_for_someone_who_has_just_started/
%
A doctor speaks to his patient

Doctor: Your BMI is quite high.
Patient: What should I do?
Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty
Patient: So I should give up pizza and chips?
Doctor: No, fatty. Just don't eat anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etoagw/a_doctor_speaks_to_his_patient/
%
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eto6za/my_girlfriend_used_to_smoke_after_we_made_love/
%
What do you call the mother who gave birth to Super Mario?

Mario Maker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etnsmk/what_do_you_call_the_mother_who_gave_birth_to/
%
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etnrfn/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
%
Grandma and Grandpa were staying over at their kids house.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. "
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etnpzf/grandma_and_grandpa_were_staying_over_at_their/
%
An Australian man set his pubic hair on fire.

I guess you could call that an Australian bushfire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etni8i/an_australian_man_set_his_pubic_hair_on_fire/
%
How do you dry a monk?

With a tao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etnhsz/how_do_you_dry_a_monk/
%
A new store opened up in our town called Store E

It started off as a small store, but as they got more money, they added more items and extended their store several times. It go to the point I had to walk for 10 minutes to get to my favorite jerky. So one day I rented a bulldozer and to make a long Store E short, I bulldozed half the store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etnde2/a_new_store_opened_up_in_our_town_called_store_e/
%
I've been reading the thesaurus lately

Because the mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
Sorry I know this joke is rubbish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etn648/ive_been_reading_the_thesaurus_lately/
%
My boss: Why do I always have to come looking for you?

Me: Because great help is hard to find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etn2ny/my_boss_why_do_i_always_have_to_come_looking_for/
%
My left nut thinks it's better than my right nut.

He can be egotesticle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etn0ul/my_left_nut_thinks_its_better_than_my_right_nut/
%
Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park.

Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etmq7i/some_lady_called_the_cops_on_me_because_i_was/
%
A girl goes to confession

The girl asks the priest “Is pride a sin?”
“What is it that you are proud of?” He replies.
The girl replies, “My beauty, of course.”
To which the priest replies. “No worry child. Misunderstanding is not a sin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etmgv5/a_girl_goes_to_confession/
%
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me...

Guess I went a little too far with that joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etmfy5/at_ten_feet_i_told_the_the_joke_and_everyone/
%
We can teach kids there’s no i in team

But it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no a in definitely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etm89h/we_can_teach_kids_theres_no_i_in_team/
%
what do you call a cannibal who only eats disabled people

a vegetarian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etm77e/what_do_you_call_a_cannibal_who_only_eats/
%
What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etm6dc/whats_the_best_part_about_gardening/
%
What do you call Welsh man with more than 5 sheep?

A pimp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etlx61/what_do_you_call_welsh_man_with_more_than_5_sheep/
%
Do you want to lose weight?

Go to a casino in the UK. You'll lose pounds by the minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etlsrd/do_you_want_to_lose_weight/
%
This should hace been a quote from the Joker movie

What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?
When you pull one out of your bag at school, everyone suddenly wants to be your friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etlsi8/this_should_hace_been_a_quote_from_the_joker_movie/
%
Rate this pun

My girlfriend said "I want to know more about the universe" after her teacher had taught a lesson about the fundamentals of the universe. I responded with "thats quarky"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etlrkz/rate_this_pun/
%
What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates

1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. OK, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etlpuy/what_my_girlfriend_thought_on_our_first_four_dates/
%
A man goes to an Icelandic friend’s funeral and asks the widow:

"Do you mind if I say a word?"
She says: "Please do."
The man clears his throat, gazes at the crowd, and says: "Heimurinn”
The widow smiles and says: "Thanks, that means the world to me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etlpq1/a_man_goes_to_an_icelandic_friends_funeral_and/
%
What do toddlers and anglers have in common?

They both pay fisher’s price

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etlp0f/what_do_toddlers_and_anglers_have_in_common/
%
I went pee in the pool today and the lifeguard noticed.

He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etlgvv/i_went_pee_in_the_pool_today_and_the_lifeguard/
%
What goes hahahaha "thud"

Someone who just laughed their ass off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etle3s/what_goes_hahahaha_thud/
%
Why did Lance Armstrong get so many endorsement deals?

Because he was good at Peddling things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etle35/why_did_lance_armstrong_get_so_many_endorsement/
%
I came home and found my books all over the floor

There's nobody to blame but my shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etld5e/i_came_home_and_found_my_books_all_over_the_floor/
%
If you thought Trump was going to build the wall fast before.

He's going to really amp up work now that there is a virus named after Mexican beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etld27/if_you_thought_trump_was_going_to_build_the_wall/
%
A Mexican and his Chinese friend are hosting a Super Bowl party

I wonder who’s bringing the Corona

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etl5ye/a_mexican_and_his_chinese_friend_are_hosting_a/
%
I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .

That's when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etkvgb/i_took_a_road_trip_with_my_german_buddy_and_when/
%
How do porcupines have sex?

Very carefully.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etkv9y/how_do_porcupines_have_sex/
%
Sticks float

They would

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etkuv5/sticks_float/
%
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens

Because he asked them who their favorite composer was and they said "Bach Bach Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etkuqy/why_did_mozart_kill_all_of_his_chickens/
%
What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career?

Quack cocaine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etktfz/what_sort_of_drugs_did_daffy_duck_do_during_his/
%
An egg walks into a bar.

Worst joke ever written...
An egg walks into a bar and gets a drink and sits at the best seat in the place.
A chicken comes in,gets a drink and heads over to the good seats.
What the hell are you doing here egg, that's my seat squawks the chicken.
Fuck off chicken...I came here first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etksw4/an_egg_walks_into_a_bar/
%
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life,

she asked him how he had sex?
“Tarzan not know s..” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said “Oh ,….Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified Jane said, ”Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I
will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. “Here” She said, pointing to her privates, “you must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, Stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ”What did you do That for?”
Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrels”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etkn8c/when_jane_initially_met_tarzan_in_the_jungle_she/
%
What do they call the guy who graduates dead last in his medical school class?

"Doctor". They call him "Doctor".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etklvd/what_do_they_call_the_guy_who_graduates_dead_last/
%
What position does a baby plant serve in the army?

Infant tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etkeoz/what_position_does_a_baby_plant_serve_in_the_army/
%
If you want to run on the slippery floors,

Then knock yourselves out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etk9lm/if_you_want_to_run_on_the_slippery_floors/
%
NSFW I was selling my dick pics online until people got angry.

Apparently people don't like microtransactions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etjwbs/nsfw_i_was_selling_my_dick_pics_online_until/
%
Good stalkers are hard to find

^(>!And hard to lose!<)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etjlva/good_stalkers_are_hard_to_find/
%
A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He's put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.

The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon.
"That sure is a nice fire truck you got there."
"Thanks," the boy says.
The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.
As the red wagon stops in front of him, the fireman observes,
The fireman says, "Little pardner, I don't mean to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to hook that rope around the cat's collar, I bet he could pull harder."
The kid answered, "I know, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etjilc/a_fireman_is_sitting_in_front_of_the_station_when/
%
A father walks in on his daughter having sex.

Father: What the hell is going on in here?!
Daughter: Dad! Oh my god, I’m sorry!
Father: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad!
the father turns to her boyfriend
Father: Are you fucking Sorry?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etjhvg/a_father_walks_in_on_his_daughter_having_sex/
%
An older man with a touch of dementia wobbles into a Catholic Church, sits down in the confessional booth, but doesn't utter a word. The Priest coughs, hoping to get a response. But the older man just sits and says nothing. Finally the Priest raps his knuckles three times on the screen.

The older guy mumbles, "Don't bother knocking, pal. There's no paper over here either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etjg3i/an_older_man_with_a_touch_of_dementia_wobbles/
%
If a man is talking in the forest, AND NO WOMAN IS THERE TO HEAR HIM

IS HE STILL WRONG?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etje12/if_a_man_is_talking_in_the_forest_and_no_woman_is/
%
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years

The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etj6r8/out_of_all_the_inventions_in_the_last_100_years/
%
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks: “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
The lawyer answers: “Absolutely.”
“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a cheque for $8.50.
In a few days, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer that reads: “$20 due for a consultation.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etj21g/a_lawyers_dog_running_about_unleashed_beelines/
%
STDs are a lot like Pokemon...

It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etiu9b/stds_are_a_lot_like_pokemon/
%
A man was lay in bed with his new girlfriend

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls. This was something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her "why do you love doing that?"
She replied "because i really miss mine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etidc6/a_man_was_lay_in_bed_with_his_new_girlfriend/
%
The police came round the other night and said my dogs had been chasing people on bikes

‘That’s weird!’ I said. ‘My dogs don’t even have bikes’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eti67g/the_police_came_round_the_other_night_and_said_my/
%
Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eti5mu/somebody_once_threatened_me/
%
Talking Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around  the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down,  shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the  owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when  I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.  In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting  in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog  would be  eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But  the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any  younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the  airport to do some  undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening  in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of  medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back  in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eti5mg/talking_dog_for_sale/
%
What did Emma Watson say when she fell over?

Ouch, I hur-my-nee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eti4sn/what_did_emma_watson_say_when_she_fell_over/
%
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eti3a7/a_cowboy_who_just_moved_to_montana_from_texas/
%
Why was the coal guy sent to prison?

He was found in bed with a miner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eti37z/why_was_the_coal_guy_sent_to_prison/
%
I wish I knew what my Asian Grandma’s last words - “Chuk phuk suk leee”

I went all the way to China to get them translated.
And now I know what my grandma said to me when she left the world:
“Get off the windpipe”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eti06w/i_wish_i_knew_what_my_asian_grandmas_last_words/
%
All the sex robots I’ve seen hate cuddling

They just Nut and Bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ethwwr/all_the_sex_robots_ive_seen_hate_cuddling/
%
What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ethwch/whats_blue_and_not_very_heavy/
%
I’m in a taxi and there's this guy and girl sitting next to me and all of a sudden the girl lifts up her top, pops out a titty and the guy just starts sucking on her nipples...

they didnt care who sees them and it went on for 5 minutes with lots of witness in the taxi...
the girl is about 27 years old and the guy is about 3-4 months old I think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ethuav/im_in_a_taxi_and_theres_this_guy_and_girl_sitting/
%
Really annoyed my Wife last week by opening a box of celebrations...

I changed all of the wrappers around.
She really got her Snickers in a Twix!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ethq24/really_annoyed_my_wife_last_week_by_opening_a_box/
%
My husband is a cheater, he beats me, and whenever I touch his property, he says, "I'm going to make you pay."

I don't want to play monopoly with him anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ethoxg/my_husband_is_a_cheater_he_beats_me_and_whenever/
%
There's a new drinking game that you can play.

You can only take a shot when Manchester United do.
It's called dry January.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ethi76/theres_a_new_drinking_game_that_you_can_play/
%
An argument between a couple

GF: I'm tired of you pretending to be a detective, we should split up
BF: good idea, we'll cover more ground that way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ethi3w/an_argument_between_a_couple/
%
Sometime I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

But that's just how I roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ethf5f/sometime_i_tuck_my_knees_into_my_chest_and_lean/
%
Chocolate is like guns

if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ethf3e/chocolate_is_like_guns/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

-0.89594417018
...
cos(789)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eth9p8/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
A man went to a tractor convention

He saw a tractor he liked but a sign nearby had said “NO TOUCHING OR SITTING ON THE TRACTORS”, the man who ignored the sign, decided to sit on the tractor anyway.
An employee saw him and said “If I catch you sitting on a tractor one more time, you’re getting out!”
So the man kept wandering around and saw this amazing antique tractor, he couldn’t help himself and sit on the tractor again.
The same employee saw him “get out!” The employee exclaimed
The man, feeling depressed, went for a drink at a nearby pub. As he walked in an excessively large cloud of smoke passed him, he breathed in all of the smoke, and breathed it back out again.
The bartender, quite clearly in shock, asked the man “How did you do that?”.
The man simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eth8jt/a_man_went_to_a_tractor_convention/
%
My dog's bark is so low frequency I can barely hear it.

That's the last time I'll adopt a sub woofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eth3tp/my_dogs_bark_is_so_low_frequency_i_can_barely/
%
Someone stole the toilet out of the police station

The detectives have nothing to go on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etgs07/someone_stole_the_toilet_out_of_the_police_station/
%
My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments

She had a history of violins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etgrg0/my_ex_used_to_hit_me_with_stringed_instruments/
%
A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counter, and produces an apple which he sets in front of his customer. The man is a bit confused and reiterates his order, stating “I asked for a Crown and 7, I’m not very hungry...”
The bartender smirks and tells his patron “Sir, that is what I have given you... go ahead and take a bite.”
The man bites into the apple, and to his amazement it tastes like 7-Up. “Can I have one of these, but with Crown?” the man asks. The bartender smirks again and tells him to turn the apple around. The man does this and is even more amazed that the apple is an edible mixed drink.
A second man walks into the bar, and takes a seat. The bartender greets him, asking what this second customer would like. The man #2 responds with “I’ll have a Jack and coke.” Again, the bartender briefly searches  beneath the counter and produces an apple which he places in front of man #2. “What the fuck is this? I ordered a drink, not a damn apple!”, man #2 says in an irritated manner. The firs customer hears man #2’s dismay, and tells him that he needs to try the apple. Man #2 bites into the apple and smiles once he realizes that the bite he took actually tastes like Jack Daniels. He proceeds to ask for a cola mixer, to which the bartender replies “turn it around”. Man #2’s attitude diminishes, and he sits to enjoy his apple.
Shortly after, a third man walks in and takes a seat between man #1 and man #2. Man #3 is confused that 2 men in a bar are eating apples rather than drinking. He’s so perturbed by this he decides to ask them both, “why the hell are both of you sitting here eating apples instead of enjoying a few drinks?” Man #1, already on his third apple, is excited to share his newfound love of apples with the man sitting next to him, “you tell the bartender what kind of drink you want, and he has an apple with those exact flavors! I’m eating a Crown and 7 right now!”
In disbelief, man #3 looks at man #1 and call him an idiot and a liar. Man #2 who is on his second apple chimes in, “he’s not lying. I’m enjoying my Jack and coke flavored apple. It’s like he’s got an apple for any flavor you want...”
Man #3 is perplexed and takes a look at the bartender and asks, “is that true?” The bartender only responds with a nod of his head.
Man #3 decides he wants to show the other two men that it’s some cheap parlor trick. He grins, looks at the bartender and says, “You got any that taste like pussy?”
The bartender doesn’t hesitate, and immediately takes a look beneath the counter. Once again, he produces an apple and sets it in front of man #3. Man # 3 takes a look at the other 2 patrons who are eager for him to share their love for the magical apples. Man #3 takes a bite, expecting it to taste only like an apple. As soon as the bite touches his tongue, he spits it out. “This tastes like shit!”, man # 3 exclaims.
The bartender grins and says “turn it around...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etgqmd/a_man_is_driving_when_he_notices_a_new_bar_has/
%
What do Mexican prostitutes drink?

Whorechata

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etgnn3/what_do_mexican_prostitutes_drink/
%
...

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide
The librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etgkpu/_/
%
I was a very happy man and was about to get married. There was just one thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister in law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was Bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got a nice view. It had to be deliberate, she never did it around anyone else.
One day, she called me and asked to come over. 'To check the wedding invitations' she said. She was alone when i arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires or me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said ' Before you are commited to my sister'. Well I was in total shock, and I couldn't mutter a word. "I'm going up to my bedroom, if you want just one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as i watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. As i'm walking to my car, Lord and behold, my entire future family was standing outside clapping! With tears in his eyes my father in law hugged me and said that I had passed the test and couldn't ask for a better man for his daughter.
And the moral of the story is... Always keep the condoms in your car!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etgd6s/i_was_a_very_happy_man_and_was_about_to_get/
%
Me: Wanna 68? GF: What's that?

Me: It's a 69 but I owe you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etgak7/me_wanna_68_gf_whats_that/
%
My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.

It was sage advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etg7yy/my_gardener_talked_to_me_about_edible_herbs_i_can/
%
What are friends for?

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Then one day, the man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etg7lz/what_are_friends_for/
%
I thought of a really great joke about paper...

But when I wrote it down, it was just tearable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etg5ot/i_thought_of_a_really_great_joke_about_paper/
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Really proud of myself... Finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months

and the box said 2-4 years..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etfwkz/really_proud_of_myself_finished_a_jigsaw_puzzle/
%
Thank you, true crime show,

for saying that
was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your
Camera person didn't stop that murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etfozb/thank_you_true_crime_show/
%
Someone was interviewing a shop owner who just placed an advertisement on the paper

"Do you have any response to your advertisement that you were looking for a night guard?"
Shopowner: "Yeah, we got robbed last night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etfgvp/someone_was_interviewing_a_shop_owner_who_just/
%
What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef Stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etespe/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
%
The very last thing my dad said to me before he died was 'You need one of those things that you can shred cheese with'...

That was some grate advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eterfz/the_very_last_thing_my_dad_said_to_me_before_he/
%
Why is the Great Wall of China one of the seven world wonders?

Because it's made in China and lasts for a long time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etemz4/why_is_the_great_wall_of_china_one_of_the_seven/
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My daughters joke: what do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etem0j/my_daughters_joke_what_do_you_call_a_pile_of/
%
They caught another serial pooper this week.

Public enemy number 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eteidx/they_caught_another_serial_pooper_this_week/
%
I was once in a relationship with twins.

Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etedhi/i_was_once_in_a_relationship_with_twins/
%
Went to a really fancy restaurant last night. The water waiter came out and gave me water. The coffee waiter gave me coffee. The wine waiter gave me wine...

I was really happy when the head waiter came out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ete7pq/went_to_a_really_fancy_restaurant_last_night_the/
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While leaving restaurant waiter asked me about leftovers "You wanna box for that?"

Me: "It's not worth fighting over"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ete0h8/while_leaving_restaurant_waiter_asked_me_about/
%
Once upon a time

there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etdyge/once_upon_a_time/
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I’ll never forget my grandads last words before he died

“Stop shaking the ladder you little twat”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etdwig/ill_never_forget_my_grandads_last_words_before_he/
%
All the sexbots I've seen hate cuddling.

They just nut and bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etdpqr/all_the_sexbots_ive_seen_hate_cuddling/
%
How do you call an intelligent blonde?

Golden retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etdmcf/how_do_you_call_an_intelligent_blonde/
%
They say that someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds in New York City.

Poor bastard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etdlhs/they_say_that_someone_gets_stabbed_every_52/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like Grandpa did...

Not screaming like everyone else in the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etdkvo/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_just_like/
%
What’s the difference between a blimp and 365 condoms?

Ones a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etdexi/whats_the_difference_between_a_blimp_and_365/
%
They don’t do reverse cowgirl in Alabama

They never turn their back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etd8ud/they_dont_do_reverse_cowgirl_in_alabama/
%
My Grandad went down in history

He also fingered a girl in geography

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etd7ob/my_grandad_went_down_in_history/
%
A man hands his wife two aspirin and a glass of water...

She looks at him and says "What the hell are these for? I don't have a headache."
He smiles and says "Great. Let's fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etd0xv/a_man_hands_his_wife_two_aspirin_and_a_glass_of/
%
I had to go see my doctor today because I’m having an unusual problem. I say to him, “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem”.

The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etcxwl/i_had_to_go_see_my_doctor_today_because_im_having/
%
My friend told me that he threw a stick 20 miles away

And that his dog still found it and retrieved it. Sounds far fetched to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etcwdi/my_friend_told_me_that_he_threw_a_stick_20_miles/
%
The things that come to those who wait are...

...the things left by those who got there first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etcvyj/the_things_that_come_to_those_who_wait_are/
%
Conor McGregor walks into a bar

...Grandpa, we gotta go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etcoxt/conor_mcgregor_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So, this Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on a bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.
The guard detains the guy, then rips open the bags.  Nothing but sand.  He even has the sand analyzed... only to find out that it really is just sand, and the sack really is just a plain old sack.
Two days later, the same thing happens.  And then it happens again two days after that.  Every time, the guy guy on the bike is carrying nothing but sand.
This goes on for seven years.
This drives the border guard crazy... like really crazy.  He loses his job because of it.  So, one day, he tracks the Mexican down and says to him:
“I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know—What is it that you’re smuggling?  Because I know you’re smuggling something.”
The guy smiles at him and says:
“Bicycles, sucker.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etclx8/so_this_mexican_guy_comes_riding_up_to_the_border/
%
What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etcj94/whats_the_difference_between_legal_and_illegal/
%
As a straight guy, I like my coffee like I like my men

I don't like coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etcj46/as_a_straight_guy_i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my/
%
"I may never trust my sister Linda again," a brunette woman told her blonde friend.

"What happened?" asked the blonde.
"Yesterday," said the brunette, "I came home from work and heard a strange noise coming from the bedroom. I went upstairs and saw my husband lying in bed. He looked exhausted. I asked him what was up, and he said he was having a heart attack. Just as I was leaving the bedroom, I ran into my son. He told me that he had opened the closet to get a towel, only to see his Aunt Linda hiding in there completely naked."
"That's awful!" replied the blonde. "Your husband was having a heart attack and all your sister could do was run around the house naked?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etcf07/i_may_never_trust_my_sister_linda_again_a/
%
My local church has just started accepting contactless donations!

I’ve suggested they implement contactless priests

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etc9uy/my_local_church_has_just_started_accepting/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etc7i9/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?

Rustle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etc27p/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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What part of the vegetable is the hardest to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etbyla/what_part_of_the_vegetable_is_the_hardest_to_eat/
%
What is the longest sentence in the English language?

I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etbs00/what_is_the_longest_sentence_in_the_english/
%
What do you call a potato on a turntable?

A rotato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etbqqx/what_do_you_call_a_potato_on_a_turntable/
%
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etbmpr/the_last_thing_my_grandfather_said_before_he_died/
%
Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.

I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etbmf2/me_and_my_friend_have_an_amputee_foot_fetish/
%
My next door neighbor's 9 year old came over and had to tell me this joke I don't know what was funnier.Her trying to tell me that joke without laughing or the joke itself.

There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. So the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?"
The bull replies,"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etbm0e/my_next_door_neighbors_9_year_old_came_over_and/
%
A man is in a bar...

when he hears a voice say " you look amazing!"
looking around he saw no one else around him, so he called the bartender over and asked him if heard a voice saying he looks amazing.
The bartender says "oh yeah, that's the peanuts, they're complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etbloc/a_man_is_in_a_bar/
%
Can't find anyone to help my pregnant wife so i went out and bought a motorbike

My friends tell me I'm having a midwife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etbjxn/cant_find_anyone_to_help_my_pregnant_wife_so_i/
%
Why does the Norwegian ships have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back home, they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etb9kj/why_does_the_norwegian_ships_have_barcodes_on_the/
%
Two guys go bungee jumping on a bridge in Mexico

The first guy gets his gear all on and steps up to jump,  he jumps down and comes back up, and his face is bloody?...
So down and up again and his face is even more bloody...
down and up again and his face is swollen, bloody and bruised so his friend grabs him and say “are you okay what happened?!”
The jumper responds “I dont know but what does piñata mean?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etb7hc/two_guys_go_bungee_jumping_on_a_bridge_in_mexico/
%
My boss told me off today because I’m always turning things into a joke.

“So have I made myself clear?” He said.
“No I can still see you.” I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etb6u3/my_boss_told_me_off_today_because_im_always/
%
What does a gay horse eat?

Hayyyyyyyyyyy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etayql/what_does_a_gay_horse_eat/
%
Which U.S. state has the smallest soft-drinks?

Minnesota.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etausp/which_us_state_has_the_smallest_softdrinks/
%
If life gives you melons

you might be dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etauks/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
What do you get when you mix Corona virus with Lyme desease?

A viral joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etardp/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_corona_virus_with/
%
Cinderella

Wife complains to her husband: " I feel like Cinderella in our house! I have to cook,  clean, scrub, do the dishes, wipe the floor...!?"
Husband: "Darling, I told you life with me is like a fairy-tale!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etanj9/cinderella/
%
Tom Brady walks into a bar

to watch the Super Bowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etamky/tom_brady_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I can't believe somebody had the nerve to break into my house and steal my limbo stick.

I mean seriously, how low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etam2p/i_cant_believe_somebody_had_the_nerve_to_break/
%
What do you call a black guy on a tractor?

A farmer you racist bastard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etal76/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_on_a_tractor/
%
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,  saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing..
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12-gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but.... I've always wanted to"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etaj8n/an_old_prospector_shuffled_into_the_town_of_el/
%
WW2 joke

Germany: Do you like chicken?
England: No
Germany: Do you like curry?
England: No
Germany: Then you won't like what I did
England: Did you make curry chicken?
Germany: No I invaded Poland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etah3e/ww2_joke/
%
I think I may have caught the Coronavirus

I had about ten last night and now I keep throwing up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etaegk/i_think_i_may_have_caught_the_coronavirus/
%
My coworker was showing off a tattoo, and I said I couldn't get any for myself.

I said, "if I got a tattoo, I couldn't be buried in a Jewish cemetery."
"Oh! I didn't know you were Jewish!"
"I'm not. That's the third reason I couldn't be buried in a Jewish cemetery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/etaay2/my_coworker_was_showing_off_a_tattoo_and_i_said_i/
%
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.

I’m sure that must have been a record.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eta94l/i_recently_found_a_round_black_piece_of_plastic/
%
What's the difference between a scientist and plumber?

The way they pronounce unionized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eta6co/whats_the_difference_between_a_scientist_and/
%
HGTV just put out a new show where interior designers redo the homes of Mexican Mathematicians

It's called La Place Transform.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et9ttp/hgtv_just_put_out_a_new_show_where_interior/
%
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et9qsw/what_do_you_call_an_elephant_that_doesnt_matter/
%
Did you hear about the puzzle masters who tried to overthrow the Japanese government but were only partially successful?

It was a pseudo coup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et9om6/did_you_hear_about_the_puzzle_masters_who_tried/
%
I just drew a really cool picture, it's half mouse and half elf

Sorry to boast, but I'm just feeling really proud of mouse-elf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et9n87/i_just_drew_a_really_cool_picture_its_half_mouse/
%
Here is a word for "walking in on your parents on your birthday right as they are climaxing"

Traumatiming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et9j5v/here_is_a_word_for_walking_in_on_your_parents_on/
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Names can be meaningful

There were 3 little brothers: Flower, Petal and Brick.
The kids were wondering how they got their names so they decided to go ask dad!
Flower: Dad why did you name me Flower?
Dad: You see kid, when you were born, a tiny little flower dropped down on your head!
Petal: Dad why did you name me Petal?
Dad: You see kid, when you were born, a tiny little petal dropped down on your head!
Brick: WodNfbHajzjjdfnJsjakkz ajWdbAn Ywwwe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et9ckr/names_can_be_meaningful/
%
This drunk walks up to a cop and says "someone stole my car."

The cop says "well where was it?" And the guy says "It was right on the end of this key."
The cops thinks for a minute and says "I dunno man why dont you go on down to the station and report it there. They'll have you fill out all the proper forms and all that."
The guy says "alright" and starts to walk away. The cop stops him and says "Hey before you downtown you best zip up your fly."
Guy looks down and says "aw man they got my girl too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et97jb/this_drunk_walks_up_to_a_cop_and_says_someone/
%
1942. Two Nazi generals are at their headquarters, when suddenly the Red Phone rings.

The red line is reserved for Hitler himself, so they both know who's calling. Their faces turn pale, they look at each other with fear in their eyes. Finally one of them picks up the phone, puts it to his ear and listens. He says:
"Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhrer".
And then he hangs up.
"What did he say?" asks the second general.
"He asked: 'Am I your Fuhrer? Am I your Fuhrer? Am I your Fuhrer? AM I YOUR FUHRER?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et93od/1942_two_nazi_generals_are_at_their_headquarters/
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An elephant in the forest once asked a rabbit...

'do you care about hygiene?' The rabbit said no. The elephant picked him up with his trunk and used him to wipe his ass.
The next day the elephant saw a squirrel. He asked the same question and the squirrel said no. He picked him up with his trunk and wanted to wipe his mouth but the squirrel stopped him.
The squirrel asked:' what about you? Do you care about hygiene then?'
The elephant, puzzled, asked him why did he say that.
The squirrel said:' I am the rabbit you used to wipe your ass yesterday'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et93iv/an_elephant_in_the_forest_once_asked_a_rabbit/
%
I don't like people who take drugs

For example : airport security

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et8zis/i_dont_like_people_who_take_drugs/
%
My doctor gave me 4 months to live....

I killed him and the judge gave me 30.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et8yo8/my_doctor_gave_me_4_months_to_live/
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After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo...

...the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et8v52/after_getting_all_of_the_popes_luggage_loaded/
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So, a girl walked up to me yesterday and said that I looked hot.

Turns out that I was on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et8rer/so_a_girl_walked_up_to_me_yesterday_and_said_that/
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A man walk's into a biker bar, sits down and orders a bottle of the most expensive whiskey available.

After every shot of whiskey the man takes, he quietly says to him self.
"I shouldn't be having this with what I've got"
Then solemnly and seemingly reflecting on his life, stares into the distance.
The bartender doesn't think much of it but after only 30 minutes, the man has drank 3/4 of the bottle and still continues to take a shot and whisper this ominous mantra to himself.
He begins to become concerned with the strange man's health.
Believing the man must be suffering from some terminal illness he asks.
"I'm sorry to interrupt you but I can't help over hearing you and I'm wondering what you've got that makes you so worried that drinking so much alcohol could be so bad for your health.
I don't want to seem rude but, may i ask what you've got?"
To which the man replies.
"$2.50"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et8oxl/a_man_walks_into_a_biker_bar_sits_down_and_orders/
%
You know what gets the girls wet?

Water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et8nmk/you_know_what_gets_the_girls_wet/
%
Who says dreams don’t come true??

Have you ever peed in your dreams??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et8h9w/who_says_dreams_dont_come_true/
%
I really hate German food

It’s the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et8aul/i_really_hate_german_food/
%
What do you call a duck on drugs?

A Quack-head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et88i7/what_do_you_call_a_duck_on_drugs/
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Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et851t/nitrogen_triiodide_will_detonate_violently_due_to/
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People say that I'm a bad person...

But I think they're just jealous that they can't kick a pigeon as far as I can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et7zn8/people_say_that_im_a_bad_person/
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What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et7tcb/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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Unconfirmed rumors that The Rock has been injured while on location in Namibia

I guess Dwayne's down in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et7pml/unconfirmed_rumors_that_the_rock_has_been_injured/
%
I just realised my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof

I was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et7ogo/i_just_realised_my_new_electric_toothbrush_is_not/
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Thinking about taking a vacation in Australia.

I hear it's pretty lit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et7nkc/thinking_about_taking_a_vacation_in_australia/
%
If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a couple hours

If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et7kjp/if_you_build_a_man_a_fire_he_will_be_warm_for_a/
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Donald Trump is attending a baseball game with Melania.

The game is about to start, and the speaker makes an announcement. Suddenly Donald grabs Melania and throws her off the balcony.
After a few seconds of silence, the speaker comes on again:
"No, Mr President, I said throw the first PITCH"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et7hxp/donald_trump_is_attending_a_baseball_game_with/
%
What do you call a body spray for hookers?

De whore dorant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et7a24/what_do_you_call_a_body_spray_for_hookers/
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I’ve got a friend who’s butler lost his left arm.

Serves him right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et778i/ive_got_a_friend_whos_butler_lost_his_left_arm/
%
What do Native Americans call vegetarians?

One who is bad at hunting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et72f2/what_do_native_americans_call_vegetarians/
%
Amish people of reddit

what is it like living without technology?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et71no/amish_people_of_reddit/
%
Donating Kidneys

So a man donates a kidney a gets praised,
But I donate 5 kidneys and get arrested?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et6wly/donating_kidneys/
%
the importance of aim

so there were these twins who had grown up with a relatively religious christian upbringing. good kids, loved playing golf for fun. now, these twins tried acid in college and had super opposite reactions - one became atheistic and the other joined the clergy. however, as time passed they both still loved to play golf and hang out.
one day  they are playing and the atheist twin is playing poorly. teeing off? hooked. approaching? into the sand. putting? terrible judgment. and all throughout, the atheist raged, "goddammit i missed!"
now the clergyman twin is kind of offended - how dare his twin be so blasphemous? he chastises his brother, "don't say the lord's name in vain!" but to no avail. so,  as they approached the 18th hole the clergyman told his twin, "you've got to stop being blasphemous or else god himself will strike you down with lightning!"
so the atheist laughs and tees up. hooked, just like all day. and just like all day, "goddammit i missed!"
all of a sudden the clouds darken and the skies rumble, and ZAP - the clergyman is struck by lightning!
as the atheist stared at the hole and tatters of clothing where his twin used to be, there is a discernible rumbling from above: "GODDAMMIT I MISSED"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et6mrs/the_importance_of_aim/
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What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?

You don't cry when cutting up the hooker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et6kw9/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_an_onion/
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To the person who stole my glasses. I will fimd you,

I have contacts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et6kee/to_the_person_who_stole_my_glasses_i_will_fimd_you/
%
Why did the Earth blush?

It saw the climate changing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et6hgu/why_did_the_earth_blush/
%
My Jewish co-worker says that he can't work on Saturdays for "religious reasons".

I don't know though, that seems a bit Unorthodox to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et6gf0/my_jewish_coworker_says_that_he_cant_work_on/
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If you throw a bad orgy...

people won't want to come anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et6e21/if_you_throw_a_bad_orgy/
%
On my first date, she asked me what am I doing currently

Me : I am right now in the process of eliminating all cancers
Her : Wow thats great!
Me : yep, after cancer it will be virgo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et6byy/on_my_first_date_she_asked_me_what_am_i_doing/
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A hillbilly decides to enroll for classes at the local community college

He's speaking to his guidance counselor about which ones to take.
The guide counselor says, "Well, how about Logic 101?"
"Logic, what's that?" asks the hillbilly.
"Well, here I will give you an example. Do you have a wife?"
"Sure," says the hillbilly.
"Great, well based on that, can I assume you have a house?"
"Yeah, I own a house," the hillbilly replies.
"Okay, well, if you own a house, you must have a lawn."
"Right."
"And if you have a lawn, I can surmise you have a lawnmower. See what I'm doing here? That's logic."
"Wow," says the hillbilly, "Sign me on up."
Later at the bar, the hillbilly is recounting his day with his friends and tells them about enrolling in school.
"What are you going to take?" asks one of them.
"Logic, for starters," says the hillbilly.
"Logic, what's that?" asks the friend.
"Well, here, I'll give you an example. Do you have a lawnmower?"
"Uh, no."
"Well, then you're a fag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et6412/a_hillbilly_decides_to_enroll_for_classes_at_the/
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Velcro shoes

are a rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et5zh5/velcro_shoes/
%
God approached the Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter stood.

"Well, Peter, it looks like Heaven is getting full today. Only let in people who have really good stories about how they died."
Used to this, Peter nodded.
The first soul approached the Gates, and Peter stopped him, saying "Unfortunately, Heaven is a little full today. You'll have to tell me the story of how you died, and if it's not good enough, you'll have to wait until there is more space."
The man nodded, saying "Well, I had been thinking my wife was cheating on me for awhile. So I got home from work early, to try and catch her in the act. She was home, and seemed shocked to see me. I stormed through the apartment, searching for anyone she might have been with. I heard a man's voice calling from the balcony, and went to investigate. A man was hanging from the railing of my 49th floor apartment. In a rage, I began beating on his hands. He did not let go, so I went to get a baseball bat. He finally let go, and I watched him fall and land on some bushes, surviving. Even more angered, I went inside, grabbed the fridge, carried it to the balcony, threw it over and crushed the man to death. All that work and anger caused me to have a heart attack, and now I'm here."
St. Peter looked at the man and nodded. "That's a good story, you're welcome to enter Heaven."
The next man walked up, and St. Peter gave him the same spiel. The shook him head, sadly. "I was doing yoga on the balcony of my 50th floor apartment, when I slipped on my water bottle and fell over the railing of my balcony. I managed to grab hold of the railing below me, and called for help for what seemed like hours. Eventually a man came out and started beating on my hands. I screamed at him to stop, but he just went inside and came back with a bat. I couldn't hold on, and fell. I landed on some bushes, and as I was thanking God for letting me survive, I opened my eyes just as a fridge fell out of the sky, killing me. And now I'm here."
St. Peter nodded appreciatively. "Your story is quite good, my child. You may enter heaven."
The next man approached Peter, and received the spiel. The man looks to his left, then to his right, then back to Peter, with a smile.
"So get this, I'm hiding inside a refridgerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et5yl6/god_approached_the_gates_of_heaven_where_st_peter/
%
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won't survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he'd like her to get the priest.

The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et5tbt/a_woman_is_walking_down_the_street_and_see_a/
%
Three old ladies

are sitting in a park, just chatting the day away, as old ladies do.
Suddenly, a man in a trench coat walks up, and opens the coat...flashing them with all the glory god has given him.
The first old lady had a stroke right away.
The second old lady had a stroke soon after.
The third old lady, being more old and feeble, couldn't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et5ged/three_old_ladies/
%
A Native American chief was teaching his son the history of their tribe.

“Father, how do we get our names?” asked the boy.
“Well son, you see, in our culture we are named in honor of the first ‘spirited ones’ our mothers see when the child is delivered.” explained the Chief.
“My father, Soaring Eagle was named for the great bald eagle that circled outside the teepee he was born in. And your sister, Leaping Deer, was named for the beautiful White Tail that leapt through our village when she was born. And your uncle, Roaring Bear, for the great roar of the Grizzly heard in the forest on the day of his birth.” He continued.
“Why do you ask Two-Big-Dogs-Fucking?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et5etw/a_native_american_chief_was_teaching_his_son_the/
%
I once reached an all time low in life, when my entire job was just to wake someone up in the morning.

It was alarming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et5968/i_once_reached_an_all_time_low_in_life_when_my/
%
A man rushes to the emergency room with no apparent problems.

Man: Doctor, doctor! I always feel an itch somewhere on my body.
Doctor: Anything else?
Man: Yes, my tongue is sitting uncomfortably in my mouth, I have to control my blinking, and I can't get my pants to sit comfortably on my waist!
Doctor: Well, at least you aren't breathing manually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et5782/a_man_rushes_to_the_emergency_room_with_no/
%
Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out?

Then catch a train to Wuhan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et54j8/loved_the_korean_zombie_movie_train_to_busan_and/
%
I’m so tired of yo mama jokes...

...So I decided to focus on yo daddy instead.
Yo daddy’s so stupid. So stupid he married yo mama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et53zp/im_so_tired_of_yo_mama_jokes/
%
I told my wife she was painting her eyebrows too high.

In retrospect I probably didn't need to criticize her while she was on chemo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et53nc/i_told_my_wife_she_was_painting_her_eyebrows_too/
%
A urologist and a ear nose and throat doctor are golfing

When one of them sees an owl asleep in a tree by the ninth hole. The urologist looks over to the ENT doc and says “hey! I bet you 200$ I can give that owl a vasectomy without it waking up!”
The ENT doc says “you’re on!” The urologist goes up to the owl, rubs a special spot on its neck and performs the surgery.
The ENT doc notices this and says “ok, double or nothing I can give it a tonsillectomy without it waking up.” The urologist thinks his secret is safe and agrees. The ENT goes up to the owl, does just like the Urologist and does the procedure.
Later that night the owl is flying with his buddy when his buddy suggests flying down to the ninth hole to check for food. The owl says
“No way! I slept on that branch over there last night and ever since I can’t f$&@ worth a hoot or hoot worth a f$&@!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et50d0/a_urologist_and_a_ear_nose_and_throat_doctor_are/
%
An Irishman released a genie from his lamp

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.
The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."
So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.
"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"
"I want two more of these, then!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et4zxx/an_irishman_released_a_genie_from_his_lamp/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

On the porcupine the pricks are on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et4ul3/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
%
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et4tgt/q_what_do_you_do_with_an_elephant_with_three_balls/
%
A french guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.

The bartender asks: “where’d you find that?”
The frog responds: “France. They’re everywhere there”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et4t0i/a_french_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_frog_on_his/
%
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis

The priest is now in jail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et4n2l/i_was_blessed_with_a_9_inch_penis/
%
Why do girls always have the last word in an argument

Cause their the ones with a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et4fsf/why_do_girls_always_have_the_last_word_in_an/
%
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Kirkland Nutra Nuggets dog chow

for my loyal pet, Brista, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a$$ and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et49mh/yesterday_i_was_at_my_local_costco_buying_a_large/
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To cut costs even more certain airlines will now only serve snacks to passengers on the left side of the plane.

Their justification is the passengers sitting on the right side are already F-E-D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et48cp/to_cut_costs_even_more_certain_airlines_will_now/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want.  He still won't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et47cf/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Australia's doing great right now

they are on fire....wait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et471c/australias_doing_great_right_now/
%
A little girl attending a wedding asked her mother why the bride wears white

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life", says the mother.
"Oh", says the girl. "Is the groom *that* unhappy about the whole thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et3zgw/a_little_girl_attending_a_wedding_asked_her/
%
I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et3xu6/i_wanna_tell_my_girlfriend_shes_using_way_too/
%
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler

I woke up absolutely exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et3vpo/last_night_i_had_a_dream_that_i_was_a_muffler/
%
Husband : I washed these chocolates accidentally and they almost ended up in the dryer!

Wife : its okay, the Lindt trap would have caught them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et3smk/husband_i_washed_these_chocolates_accidentally/
%
My wife said I talk about Star Wars too much, and wants to end out relationship.

“May divorce be with you” I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et3m2l/my_wife_said_i_talk_about_star_wars_too_much_and/
%
What do you call a vegan chicken strip?

A chicken pretender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et3hbq/what_do_you_call_a_vegan_chicken_strip/
%
Dear Jebediah

,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. But I hear it has your brothers eyes. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Your favorite Aunt, Ma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et3dq4/dear_jebediah/
%
Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et38un/why_dont_they_play_poker_in_the_jungle/
%
A male and a female martians swapped partners with an earth couple

The Martian male was fucking the earth female but she told him that his penis was too small so he pulled his left ear and his penis became longer then she told him that it's too thin so he pulled his right ear and his penis became wider and the earth female became very happy. The next night the earth female asked the earth male about his experience with the female martian so he said "yea it was fun but idk why she kept pulling my ears"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et37pb/a_male_and_a_female_martians_swapped_partners/
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Be wary of a Florida senior with a gun.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et30s2/be_wary_of_a_florida_senior_with_a_gun/
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Cotton Eyed Joe:

"Maybe if y'all stopped square dancing for one fucking minute I could answer your questions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et2zw9/cotton_eyed_joe/
%
My wife's best friend asked me, "How come you never buy her flowers ?"

I didn't even know she was selling flowers !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et2z78/my_wifes_best_friend_asked_me_how_come_you_never/
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What's the difference between a 20 dollar steak and a 55 dollar steak?

February 14th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et2ykh/whats_the_difference_between_a_20_dollar_steak/
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What do you get when you mix your mom and dad?

A divorce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et2wny/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_your_mom_and_dad/
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Anniversary gift

A man comes home from work to find his wife pissed off at him for forgetting it was their anniversary.
Wife: Tomorrow morning, I expect to see something in the driveway that can go from 0 to 300 in 2 seconds when I use it
The next morning the wife woke up and her husband had already left for work. She looked out the window and saw a package in the driveway. She brought it in, opened up,...and inside was a new bathroom scale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et2vbx/anniversary_gift/
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John call suzy on her mobile

John: hello
Suzy:hey,whatchu doin?
John:y'know,just calling the prettiest girl I ever saw
Suzy: awww
John: yeah, but she's not picking up. So I decided to call you instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et2tf2/john_call_suzy_on_her_mobile/
%
If I were a Star Wars droid....

I would be called 80-HD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et2tdk/if_i_were_a_star_wars_droid/
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Too good not to share..

\*1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!\*
\*2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy... That's origin of "BP"!\*
\*3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.\*
\*4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.\*
\*5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!\*
\*6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!\*
\*7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.\*
\*8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!\*
\*9. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".\*
\*Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters.\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et2c88/too_good_not_to_share/
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I was going to make a joke about tastebuds

But I seem to have forgotten it, it's right on the tip of my tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et29fk/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_tastebuds/
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What kind of ads does Viagra use?

Pop-up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et28tz/what_kind_of_ads_does_viagra_use/
%
Why are gay people bad liars?

Because they can't keep a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et23sz/why_are_gay_people_bad_liars/
%
I saw luggage on sale in the airport terminal and I thought...

How big of a hurry must you be in to say, "Fuck it, just grab some shit and let's go. We'll pack at the airport" ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et1xmc/i_saw_luggage_on_sale_in_the_airport_terminal_and/
%
A country going through an impeachment...

May be unpresidented.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et1l8v/a_country_going_through_an_impeachment/
%
What happened when Corona went public?

It went Viral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et1emq/what_happened_when_corona_went_public/
%
I told my wife she's been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et1ej7/i_told_my_wife_shes_been_painting_her_eyebrows_on/
%
An empty beer bottle walks into a bar and asks to be filled with their finest ale.

The bartender says, "sorry I can't serve you, I can see you're already drunk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et1ei4/an_empty_beer_bottle_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_to/
%
Did you hear about Mary Popins

Mary Poppins, she stopped wearing lipstick when giving head.
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et1e7g/did_you_hear_about_mary_popins/
%
A German race car driver once told me why he never goes down on a woman.

Because the intake is too close to the exhaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et170a/a_german_race_car_driver_once_told_me_why_he/
%
Finnish, swedish and norwegian went to bar

because life sucks and alcohol is their way to escape it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et10p2/finnish_swedish_and_norwegian_went_to_bar/
%
At the crime scene we found a long list of negative numbers

It doesn't add up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et0yko/at_the_crime_scene_we_found_a_long_list_of/
%
My sex life is like a weather forecast in the winter.

I predict they will get 5-7 inches but they usually only get 2-3 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et0suo/my_sex_life_is_like_a_weather_forecast_in_the/
%
Dad: you know, I killed 15 people when I was in Iraq.

Son: dad, you told me that you were a helicopter engineer.
Dad: I never said I was a good one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et0pas/dad_you_know_i_killed_15_people_when_i_was_in_iraq/
%
I'm quite worried about the corona virus...

It's got potential tequila lot of people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et0gwf/im_quite_worried_about_the_corona_virus/
%
We’re always making fun of our friend who threw up during a marathon

it‘s a running gag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et0atl/were_always_making_fun_of_our_friend_who_threw_up/
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Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?

When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/et05cc/can_you_make_a_sentence_containing_the_words/
%
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?

>!Spoiler!< 90108 for our lives to be over...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eszk2r/we_all_know_the_zip_code_to_beverly_hills_is/
%
The girl I'm dating loves pumpkin spice lattes and uggs, but she's honestly pretty odd

She literally can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esz9v0/the_girl_im_dating_loves_pumpkin_spice_lattes_and/
%
I saw a bird with broken wings but a resilient look in its eye.

It was unflappable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esz949/i_saw_a_bird_with_broken_wings_but_a_resilient/
%
A man gets pulled over for speeding

The cop says: "You were going 55 mph in a 30 zone"
The man says: "Sorry sir, but i'm late for work."
Cop asks: "What kind of work do you do?"
Man replies: "I work in a penis enlargment factory."
Cop asks: "Really? How does that work?"
Man: You just stretch out a customers penis very far, and it can grow up to 180 centimeters long."
Cop asks: "And what do you do with a 180 cm dick?"
Man says: "You give it a blue suit and put it in a police car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esz6vb/a_man_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
I thought my new strategy was going to make me successful at the playground hopscotch but I still wasn't able to complete it.

I guess its back to square one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esysgj/i_thought_my_new_strategy_was_going_to_make_me/
%
A Man says to his wife, get ready, you me and the dog are going fishing.

Wife says I don't want to go. Man gives her 3 choices. Fishing, Blow job or take it up the arse. Wife picks blow job. After sucking for a while she say, your cock taste like shit. He says I know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esym8l/a_man_says_to_his_wife_get_ready_you_me_and_the/
%
Monkeys

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esylgk/monkeys/
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A Mute Lady

A lady who was mute used to point out body parts in order to convey to the shopkeeper what she wanted.
So this once she wanted a toothbrush, so she points to her teeth. The shopkeeper quickly understands and hands her one.
This other time she wanted chicken thighs, so she shows the shopkeeper her thighs. Once again the shopkeeper knowing her well, hands her the chicken thighs.
But there was this one time she wanted to buy bananas, so she took her husband with her.
Because her husband could talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esyd6y/a_mute_lady/
%
a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,

When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.
She said: "Let's start with a 69"
The Country Boy replied: "What's that?"
With that she got him into position, and they went at it
Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on
She tried holding it back, but she figured the Country Boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip
Less than a Minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well
After that, the Country Boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed
The City Girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?"
The Country Boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esy7f0/a_country_boy_visited_the_city_and_met_a_girl_in/
%
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident...

In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esxjg4/a_farmer_named_clyde_had_a_tractor_accident/
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For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esxblr/for_2020_my_goal_is_to_be_less_condescending_to/
%
Two nuns are driving down the road one evening, when suddenly a vampire jumps on top of their car.

The nun in the passenger seat yells "What should I do!". The nun driving says "Show him your cross!". The first nun leans out the window and yells "GET OFF MY BLOODY CAR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eswvii/two_nuns_are_driving_down_the_road_one_evening/
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What goes with the Coronavirus?

Lyme Disease
Edit : Thanks For All The Awards!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eswkbq/what_goes_with_the_coronavirus/
%
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eswho6/to_the_person_who_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft/
%
Me: Three scoops of Cookie Dough in a tub, please.

Vendor: You wanna spoon?
Me: ... OK, what time do you get off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eswdm3/me_three_scoops_of_cookie_dough_in_a_tub_please/
%
Mt Vesuvius victim’s brain ‘turned to glass’ says study.

Well at least he's thinking clearly now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eswbkp/mt_vesuvius_victims_brain_turned_to_glass_says/
%
What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on bicycle and a well-dressed man on a tricycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esw4h2/what_is_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed/
%
An African American woman named Bethany goes to the butchers to see if they have any beef.

"No, black Betty.  Ham or lamb"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esw1pf/an_african_american_woman_named_bethany_goes_to/
%
My grandfather always used to say, “I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work!”

Good man. Disgusting bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esw0m7/my_grandfather_always_used_to_say_i_put_blood/
%
Having sex is like playing bridge

If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esvzkq/having_sex_is_like_playing_bridge/
%
A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer are on a cruise ship that’s sinking

The rabbi yells, “save the kids!” Followed by the lawyer who responds, “nah, fuck the kids”  the priest looks at them both and quietly says, “do you think we have time?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esvvtz/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_lawyer_are_on_a_cruise/
%
An Impeachment hearing walks into a bar..........

But with no witnesses or evidence we don't know what was ordered, or what the bartender said, so.....no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esvpwp/an_impeachment_hearing_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A botched surgery

Recently I had an old childhood friend over for some drinks.  Catching up with him over the course of the evening I learned that he had gone on to become a surgeon.  So, I asked him if he could check out a lump that had grown on my wrist.  He set down his beer and and looked it over and declared, "Why this is just a common cyst.  In fact, I could drain it for you right here, tonight!" I drunkenly agreed, and within a few minutes there was blood everywhere. He had totally botched it!
I needed to get sewn up, but as the surgeon rushed me off to urgent care, he begged me not to tell anyone about what really happened or he could lose his license to practice medicine.  I assured him that the whole thing was between us.
At the hospital the physician took one look at the wound and noticed straight away that the cut was the work of a professional. He immediately asked, "Sir, you must tell me who did this to you before I proceed with the suture. It would be irresponsible of me not to report this to the boards!"
With my wrist still wide open, I told him that I'm sorry, but I couldn't tell. I am not a rat.
To which the physician sternly replied, "snitches get stitches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esvpws/a_botched_surgery/
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I accidentally send everyone in my address book a picture of my penis

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esvoiw/i_accidentally_send_everyone_in_my_address_book_a/
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Boomers give great tips.

They don’t accept change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esvg04/boomers_give_great_tips/
%
Babe is it in?

"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esv7c6/babe_is_it_in/
%
Yes i masturbate fully naked

if you dont like it, go to another starbucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esv1yh/yes_i_masturbate_fully_naked/
%
You know what would go great with Coronavirus?

Lyme's Disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esuz0t/you_know_what_would_go_great_with_coronavirus/
%
There's this joke about sex that everyone is sharing at my workplace.

Apparently, I'm the only one who doesn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esuyng/theres_this_joke_about_sex_that_everyone_is/
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Why didn’t Peter Pan’s career in stand-up take off?

Because his jokes Neverland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esuxor/why_didnt_peter_pans_career_in_standup_take_off/
%
Why was the Cat arrested?

He committed a feline-y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esuu5n/why_was_the_cat_arrested/
%
I asked a Chinese girl for her number

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esutzc/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
%
Goku and Vegeta aren't "yelling"

they're super saying!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esurn3/goku_and_vegeta_arent_yelling/
%
An American walks into a pub in Ireland

...he sits down next to an old, mangled Irishman who is clearly on his umpteenth drink of the afternoon.
As the American orders a beer, the Irishman leans over to him and says:
>	What’d ya think of this bar, young man?
“It’s nice.” The American says, nonplussed. He just wanted to drink, not chat.
>	50 yars ago, I bilt this bar with me own two ‘ands. Hewed the rocks and hauled them all the way from Mullafarry by wheelbarra. Harvest’d the thatch from the fields of Rathball for the roof too.
Slightly impressed, the American commended the gentleman.
>	But do they call me McGregor the Bar Builder? NO!
>	Ya see that old, stone fence out that window thar?
“Yeah, what about it?” the American replied.
>	The sheep were git’n into the bar so I bilt that fence with not a bit of help from these bar folk. Damn good fence too!
>	But do they call me McGregor the Fence Builder? NO!
The American pursed his lips empathetically. McGregor continued:
>	Out that doorway, do ya see tha’ dock down off Cloonagh Lough?
Nodding, the American peered down the hill and saw the old mossy dock in the lake.
>	I laid those stones meeself in the cold ‘a winter - wading’ through icey water to do it.
>	But do they call me McGregor the dock builder? NO!
The American was hooked now - he leaned in to hear the weathered, old man continue with his tale of injustice and woe.
The hurt was palpable in McGregor’s eyes as tears formed and he lamented:
>	But ya fuck ONE goat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esuitp/an_american_walks_into_a_pub_in_ireland/
%
Maths Joke

On an average I think people are pretty mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esugid/maths_joke/
%
Who wears the pants in the family

A couple on the first night of their honeymoon are getting ready for bed when suddenly, the husband tosses his slacks to his wife and says "put these on". To which the wife replies, "I can't wear these, they don't fit". "And the sooner you realize who wears the pants in this family, the better our marriage will be" says the husband. At this point, the wife takes off her panties and tosses them to her husband, "Here put these on". Husband dumbfounded says "I can't get into your panties". To which the wife replies "Exactly, and that's how it's gonna be til YOU realize who's in charge of this family".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esu84c/who_wears_the_pants_in_the_family/
%
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the  master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you  seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like  flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly  over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes,  my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon... when it touches the  calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have  also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep  watching all this shit instead of training."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esu3a9/a_kung_fu_student_asks_his_teacher/
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Slightly NSFW joke

Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female)
Maid: I need a raise
Owner: you already have got a raise
Maid: that was 18 months ago
Owner: why do you then deserve this raise?
Maid: I am better than you in many things
Owner: ok tell me
Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you
Owner: who told you
Maid: your husband
Owner: okay
Maid: I also am better at cooking than you
Owner: now who told you that?
Maid: your husband
Owner: okay
Maid: and I also am better than you in bed
Owner: did my husband tell you that too?
Maid: no the Gardner did.
Owner: .................
Owner: ok how much raise do you want?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estwe4/slightly_nsfw_joke/
%
Man and Psychic

Man: Will I pay u?
Psychic: No
Man: Wrong! here’s 10 bucks
Psychic: Dammit
Man: I want a refund

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estu55/man_and_psychic/
%
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.

"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estu23/dad_i_dont_want_to_go_to_school_today_said_the_boy/
%
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doc: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you!
Woman: Oh god no, not my brother. He is an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doc: Denise.
Woman: Well, that is not so bad. What did he call the boy?
Doc: Denephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esttfr/a_woman_who_is_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a/
%
Why is the grass always greener on the other side of the fence?

Because it's full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estps8/why_is_the_grass_always_greener_on_the_other_side/
%
I used to watch movies with my friend when we’re growing up.

One thing I don’t really get is how he used to adore who I hate. Johnny in The Karate Kid, Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter, Gaston in Beauty and the Beast. They are the definition of a bully.
He just came out last week. No wonder he likes assholes, he’s gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estnrq/i_used_to_watch_movies_with_my_friend_when_were/
%
A boy comes home school and proudly tells his dad, "I made a girl laugh today."

His dad says "Well, looks aren't everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estnip/a_boy_comes_home_school_and_proudly_tells_his_dad/
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Did you hear about the shy pebble?

She wishes that she could be a little boulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estndh/did_you_hear_about_the_shy_pebble/
%
Why did 10 have PTSD?

Because it was in the middle of 9-11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estmzf/why_did_10_have_ptsd/
%
Why did Jabba win the pizza contest?

Because no one outpizzas the Hutt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estmag/why_did_jabba_win_the_pizza_contest/
%
My grandmother has dementia, and yesterday she thought I was my grandfather.

Best sex I ever had!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estkd3/my_grandmother_has_dementia_and_yesterday_she/
%
Babe, a tiny penis isn't such a big deal.

I dont know Jenny...
I kinda wish you didn't have one at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esthb9/babe_a_tiny_penis_isnt_such_a_big_deal/
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Zookeeper..

Just lost my job as a zookeeper.
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estd29/zookeeper/
%
Just found out...

Just found out my stuttering cousin died in prison. Damn, he couldn't even finish his sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estcrf/just_found_out/
%
To your cake batter, slowly stir in the GPU and CPU and sprinkle crushed motherboard. Put in oven on bake.

Once done, serve and enjoy! PC cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estcrb/to_your_cake_batter_slowly_stir_in_the_gpu_and/
%
I'm so proud of my son, the police chief himself said that he's a boy who's going far

Apparently, he already crossed the Mexican border.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estb32/im_so_proud_of_my_son_the_police_chief_himself/
%
Thots are like circles.

Curvy, but pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/estavt/thots_are_like_circles/
%
If you lie to people to get their money you can go to jail for fraud

Unless you're a preacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/est7wv/if_you_lie_to_people_to_get_their_money_you_can/
%
Racing..

‪I was in a bar the other day when a girl asked me, "What do you do?"‬
‪I said, "I race motorcycles."‬
‪She asked, "Do you win many races?"‬
‪I said, "No, the bikes are much faster."‬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/est44a/racing/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby

And the bus driver says: “Ew, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
So the woman walks to the back of the bus.
“Grrr, the bus driver just insulted me” said the woman.
The man next to her says “ You go tell him off, I’ll hold your monkey.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/est3nd/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
%
I walked into my girlfriends room the other day and she had stuck a cucumber up her ass. I was annoyed because I wanted to eat it.

But now it will taste like cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/est2d7/i_walked_into_my_girlfriends_room_the_other_day/
%
A guy is fording a swamp.

He's chest-deep in the water and has already crossed a half of the swamp when suddenly something grabs him by the scrotum underwater. The guy stops dead, not knowing what to do. He hears a voice from underwater:
"Plus two or minus two?"
The guy thinks: "okay, I don't know what he's talking about, but plus is almost always better than minus". So he says:
"Plus two."
His scrotum is released and he quickly gets to the solid ground. He palpates his scrotum and turns out he's got four testicles now!
"Okay," he thinks, "I will come back the same way, and when that underwater monster grabs me by the scrotum again, I'll say minus two, and everything will go back to normal".
So he returns in a few days and fords the swamp back. In the middle of the swamp, something grabs him by the scrotum again and he hears the voice:
"Plus four or minus four?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/est2bi/a_guy_is_fording_a_swamp/
%
What were four members of One Direction doing in the wig shop?

They were looking for hairy styles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/est0v2/what_were_four_members_of_one_direction_doing_in/
%
DESIGNER DOGS

These days there are all kind of designer dogs : Yorkiepoos, Goldendoodles, Puggles. etc.
Growing up, we called them Mutts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/est04c/designer_dogs/
%
Statistics show 55% of men in Oakland have had sex in the shower

\-The rest haven't been to prison yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/essxe3/statistics_show_55_of_men_in_oakland_have_had_sex/
%
A good boy

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.
A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”
“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/essvh9/a_good_boy/
%
How can you tell if someone's infected with the coronavirus?

They have a lime wedge sticking out of the top of their head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esssmw/how_can_you_tell_if_someones_infected_with_the/
%
A great way to lose weight is to eat while naked

Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/essrzp/a_great_way_to_lose_weight_is_to_eat_while_naked/
%
How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esslet/how_does_moses_make_his_coffee/
%
A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there, he's not misbehaving"

The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/essefe/a_mother_said_to_her_son_look_at_that_kid_over/
%
I saw my first porn film last week.

I couldn't believe how young I looked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ess841/i_saw_my_first_porn_film_last_week/
%
Too much praise

Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the ranch, the horse’s owner said “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘praise the Lord’ to make him go, and ‘amen’ to make him stop.”
Bill got on the horse and said “praise the Lord.” the horse started to walk. “Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord” and the horse is running. Now Bill sees the cliff and says: “AMEN.” The horse stops and Bill says: “Whew! Praise the lord!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ess1k6/too_much_praise/
%
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.

He still has the right to remain silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ess1e6/a_mime_in_my_town_was_arrested_yesterday_after_he/
%
The cashier gave me a questioning look as she scanned the 10th bottle of baby oil.

"My wife says I need to glisten more," I explained. "I don't know why, I wasn't really paying attention".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ess0hi/the_cashier_gave_me_a_questioning_look_as_she/
%
Doctor: Say ahh

Me: OOO WAH AH AH AH!
Doctor: It appears you are down with the sickness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esrxeo/doctor_say_ahh/
%
Why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esrs52/why_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_up_in_trees/
%
There are suspicions the coronavirus may have been transmitted to humans from poultry.

Investigators think it may have originated inside eggs.
They are now scrambling to confirm if that's true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esrroc/there_are_suspicions_the_coronavirus_may_have/
%
Why Doesn’t a witch wear panties?

So she can get a better grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esro3t/why_doesnt_a_witch_wear_panties/
%
A professional fighter and a seamstress walk into a bar

The bartender asks them how their day is going. The seamstress says her day has been sew-sew. The fighter just looks beat.
The bartender takes their orders.
The seamstress orders a thimble of gin.
The fighter asks for something with some kick.
The bartender tells them a joke as he prepares their drinks.
The seamstress is in stitches.
The fighter is rolling on the floor.
They get their drinks and enjoy them. They tip the bartender and leave. They try to pull out of the parking lot at the same time, but both of their cars are bobbing and weaving so they collide instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esrmee/a_professional_fighter_and_a_seamstress_walk_into/
%
The Piano..

MY parents recently retired. Mum always wanted to learn to play the piano, so Dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. “Oh, we returned the piano,” said my dad. “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead.” “How come?” I asked. “Because,” he answered, “with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esrfnj/the_piano/
%
Day 1 in the pathology lab lecture. All the students entered the lab.

Lab Assistant: Alright, today is the 1st lecture and we are going to do a urine test. Go get your urine sample in a cup.
Students get their samples in a cup.
LA: Now the first test we will do is physical examination.
(He dips his finger in the cup, licks it)
LA: Hmm, salty with pale yellow colour.
Students watch him with shock and disgust.
LA: C'mon you are going to be professionals. Do it.
Students reluctantly perform the procedure.
Students: You are right sir, its salty.
LA: Good going. First lesson of this lab, observation! I dipped my index finger and licked my middle finger. Thanks for confirming the taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esr9iz/day_1_in_the_pathology_lab_lecture_all_the/
%
The Gym..

I went to the gym and there's a new machine. I used it for an hour and ended up feeling sick.
Its good though, it does everything.
Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esr9b2/the_gym/
%
Before difficult descisions I like to consult both my head and my heart.

Although my head tells me to make rational and educated descisions, my heart tells me that I need to exercise more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esr6ow/before_difficult_descisions_i_like_to_consult/
%
What do you call it when someone looks at your face and says you look good?

Sarcasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esr2se/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_looks_at_your/
%
There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those who understand hexadecimal, and F the rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esr18z/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
War Story

When I was 19 I joined the Navy cause, why not?
I ended up as a Navy Seal and get deployed to Iraq for 6 years.
Not even sure who we're fighting at this point.
Lose half my friends I had in the Navy but come home.
My family hardly talks to me now, but at least my dog still remembers me.
I keep dreaming of fighting and all my dead comrades but one night my dog comes over to my bed while I'm having a night terror and slobbers all over my face.
But the nightmare doesn't stop, I still see my friends lying there, dead.
Pet drool cant melt seal dreams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esqxta/war_story/
%
Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esqvsm/dont_you_just_hate_that_situation_when_youre/
%
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esqm8g/wife_i_look_fat_can_you_give_me_a_compliment/
%
Wives are like grenades.

Once you remove the ring, boom, everything is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esqm17/wives_are_like_grenades/
%
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.

Then I lost my job as a driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esqlna/today_was_a_terrible_day_first_my_ex_got_hit_by_a/
%
Gay people in a pool

Two gay people are swimming in a pool, and one sees sperm swimming there, and he asked his friend “Did you masturbate?” and his friend answers “No, I farted”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esq6iz/gay_people_in_a_pool/
%
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.

Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar.
Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says,
"Hi, sorry for bad English"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esq275/a_chinese_guy_and_an_englishman_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Interviewer: Why you want to work on Customer Service?

Me: Well, I am very good at apologising for things that are not my fault.
Interviewer: Did you acquire that experience on your previous job?
Me: No, my relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/espu91/interviewer_why_you_want_to_work_on_customer/
%
Roman soldier walks into a bar and holds up two fingers

And says "5 pints of beer please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/espmmj/roman_soldier_walks_into_a_bar_and_holds_up_two/
%
How do you confuse a feminist? \

Tell her you refuse to allow her to make you a sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/espj48/how_do_you_confuse_a_feminist/
%
A man spills a glass of water, and the water trickles and forms a line on the floor. He then spills a glass of milk, and it also makes a line. But to his shock, when he spills a glass of punch...

...there is no punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esphbi/a_man_spills_a_glass_of_water_and_the_water/
%
Stevie Wonder Walked into a Bar

Then a chair. Then a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/espgk1/stevie_wonder_walked_into_a_bar/
%
How does Sherlock Holmes get all the ladies?

Seductive reasoning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/espcv5/how_does_sherlock_holmes_get_all_the_ladies/
%
A police officer finds some drugs...

Officer: Sir, we got 100g of cocaine.
Senior: How many grams did you say?
Officer: 50g of cocaine.
Senior: Wait, didn't you just say 100 grams?
Officer: I meant 15g of  cocaine.
Senior: So is it 100 or 50 or 15g of cocaine?
Officer: What cocaine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esp9gr/a_police_officer_finds_some_drugs/
%
Jesus walks into a roadside motel

He puts a couple of nails on the counter and asks
"Can you put me up for the night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esoyue/jesus_walks_into_a_roadside_motel/
%
Why are jokes like user interfaces?

If you have to explain them, they are probably not that good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esost1/why_are_jokes_like_user_interfaces/
%
What did Noah say when he finished loading all the animals?

"Now I've herd everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esorb0/what_did_noah_say_when_he_finished_loading_all/
%
Jesus goes to the gym, What does he do?

CrossFit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esoq15/jesus_goes_to_the_gym_what_does_he_do/
%
A man misses the bus...

A man on the way home just misses the bus. He runs after it in the hope to catch it, but ends up running all the way to his home.
There he tells his wife : Honey, I did something great today. I saved 3€ by running after the bus.
She responds: Stupid you. You should have been running after the taxi instead to save even more money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esop61/a_man_misses_the_bus/
%
I once had a girlfriend that was blind, during our first ever sexy times she told me l had the biggest penis that she had ever touched ...

I told her that she must be pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esoet1/i_once_had_a_girlfriend_that_was_blind_during_our/
%
My friend claims he’s never pooped in his life

He must be full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esocjo/my_friend_claims_hes_never_pooped_in_his_life/
%
Where does a Marijuana Seller put his profits?

In a Joint account

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esoa7x/where_does_a_marijuana_seller_put_his_profits/
%
King Arthur had to set on a mission to fight the barbarians

Before he left , he called his close friend,Sir Lancelot.
"My bride Guinevere is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the mission after a year ".
As he rode off , barely had he gotten a mile from home that he saw Sir Lancelot tearing after him on a horse , as he got closer he heard his friend saying
"Come back! you gave me the wrong key".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eso6t6/king_arthur_had_to_set_on_a_mission_to_fight_the/
%
R. Kelly certainly released some major bangers throughout his career

Its the minor banging that was the issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eso1ox/r_kelly_certainly_released_some_major_bangers/
%
“That’s it, I’m cutting you off. You’re only getting water from now own,” the Bartender ordered.

Jesus rolled His eyes, “oh no,” He said sarcastically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esnpox/thats_it_im_cutting_you_off_youre_only_getting/
%
Why do they call it possession of marijuana?

They should call it joint custody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esnmjf/why_do_they_call_it_possession_of_marijuana/
%
Did you know that Japan hates U ?

Because Uranium is the last thing they need to see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esngq7/did_you_know_that_japan_hates_u/
%
A joke from one of my alltime favourite movies.

Jesus Christ walks into an inn.
He hands the Innkeeper two nails and says:
"Can you put me up for the night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esnc6q/a_joke_from_one_of_my_alltime_favourite_movies/
%
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed..

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk and trippin ass off the carousel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esn7gt/you_are_on_a_horse_galloping_at_a_constant_speed/
%
Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".
Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake turns and bites Johnny.
Suddenly his arm swells, his face turns red, his throat starts to close, Johnny is in real trouble.
The other students cry out; "Hey teacher! You told Johnny that the snake was not poisonous, what the hell?
Teacher says "Yeah that's right. That snake is not poisonous, it's venomous;  Poison has to be ingested."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esn0sy/science_teacher_fail/
%
I once owned an incredible painting of a tiny lake...

Until I pond it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esmwc6/i_once_owned_an_incredible_painting_of_a_tiny_lake/
%
I would tell you a joke about Nebraska

But it's too corny.
If you like dry humor though, I have a good one about Arizona!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esmrtw/i_would_tell_you_a_joke_about_nebraska/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esmnfq/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
Mike Tyson walks into the local crack house and says....

"Wow, what a methy place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esmnac/mike_tyson_walks_into_the_local_crack_house_and/
%
If the government is covering up knowledge of aliens,

they are doing a better job of it than they do at anything else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esmk8g/if_the_government_is_covering_up_knowledge_of/
%
I asked the carnival worker how the trainer had taught the duck to dance.

He said I don't know, I only turn the hot plate on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esmjj6/i_asked_the_carnival_worker_how_the_trainer_had/
%
I'm addicted to buying hatchets from other countries because of the smell.

I just love Foreign Axe Scents
**Taken from Axe Junkies facebook group I'm in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esmhsw/im_addicted_to_buying_hatchets_from_other/
%
No one knows which priests are gay.

**Even the Catholic Church can't keep them straight!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esmhom/no_one_knows_which_priests_are_gay/
%
What do you call a blind Third Reich member?

A Not-see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esmgj5/what_do_you_call_a_blind_third_reich_member/
%
What do mermaid mathematicians use to hold their breasts up?

An algae-bra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esm94g/what_do_mermaid_mathematicians_use_to_hold_their/
%
So the chicken and the egg are lying in bed together.

The chicken leans back and lights a cigarette and says “well, that answers that question.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esm3ow/so_the_chicken_and_the_egg_are_lying_in_bed/
%
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.

Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business.  All the sudden Sven hears a bone chilling cry.  He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.
"Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker!  Please go get the doctor; I don't want to die!"
"Hold on buddy!" and Sven runs all the way back to the truck and flies the 10 miles to the hospital and runs up the stairs to find the doctor.
"Doctor!  My best friend Ole just got bit by a rattlesnake!  You need to come save him!"
"I'm sorry" says the doctor "I have heart surgery in 5 minutes."
"What am I going to do?" exclaimed Sven.  "He's my best friend!"
"It's easy" says the doctor, as he's gowning up "just cut a small x in the fang marks and suck the poison out."
"Ok!" says Sven and he flies out the hospital and speeds back to the forest and runs back into the woods to find Ole.  As he approaches he hears his friends tiny voice call out.
"Sven? Is that you?  What did the doctor say?"
"Ole" Sven pants as he's gasping for air " Doctors says to make you comfortable 'cause you're gonna die!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esm1u4/ole_and_sven_go_out_squirrel_hunting_one_afternoon/
%
Jenny gets her first period

in the middle of class. Flustered and thinking her parents would be the best to tell her, the teacher sends her home.
While walking across a bridge crying, she comes across a boy who has skipped school.
Curious, he asks why she's crying.
"Oh, Johnny, I'm bleeding and I don't know why," she sobs.
"Show me then," he replies.
She obliges and he yells, "Christ! No wonder you're bleeding, your cock's been cut off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eslsvd/jenny_gets_her_first_period/
%
One time I dated a girl that had a twin but it was always super easy to tell them apart.

One painted her nails red and the other had a cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eslres/one_time_i_dated_a_girl_that_had_a_twin_but_it/
%
ME: I'll see you in a month

**WIFE:** Don't forget to write.
**ME:** It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Karen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eslo73/me_ill_see_you_in_a_month/
%
We will never see Super Bowl LIVE

E is not a Roman Numeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esllqu/we_will_never_see_super_bowl_live/
%
I'm opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts

It's called "Glazed and Confused"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eslihj/im_opening_a_dispensary_that_sells_weed_and/
%
I have broken my arm in several places

Well honestly, it’s my fault went to those places

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eslhvo/i_have_broken_my_arm_in_several_places/
%
If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esleo7/if_i_had_50c_every_time_i_failed_a_maths_test/
%
In honor of Terry Jones and his passing, he is my favorite Monty Python joke

Drinking American beer is like having sex in a canoe. Its fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eslc6q/in_honor_of_terry_jones_and_his_passing_he_is_my/
%
About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eskoff/about_1375_olives_are_pressed_in_order_to_make_1/
%
My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eskodn/my_doctor_sucks_he_said_if_i_dont_lay_off_the/
%
What do trees feel in spring?

Releaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eskkfy/what_do_trees_feel_in_spring/
%
3 things parents don't want their daughter to say...

I am pregnant.
I am doing drugs.
Bing is a reliable searching platform.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eskbri/3_things_parents_dont_want_their_daughter_to_say/
%
Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here

A time traveler walks into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esk7o7/sorry_sir_we_dont_serve_time_travelers_here/
%
How does PSY like to have sex?

Open Condom Style!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esjq27/how_does_psy_like_to_have_sex/
%
When you're in a restaurant you are an American.

But when you go to the bathroom European.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esj62l/when_youre_in_a_restaurant_you_are_an_american/
%
If Jesus made cheese what would he be called?

Cheesus
As told to me by a very proud junior hamster who probably won't understand the hit my karma will take for sharing their joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esiryy/if_jesus_made_cheese_what_would_he_be_called/
%
Medusa: Hey, my face is up here!!!

Me (staring at her breasts): It's fine, I am already rock hard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esih4v/medusa_hey_my_face_is_up_here/
%
I bought some RGB laptop RAM but it was defective.

It was so dimm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esifoh/i_bought_some_rgb_laptop_ram_but_it_was_defective/
%
I tried to call my Republican Senators today...

I ended up with rain check because they all sold out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esicza/i_tried_to_call_my_republican_senators_today/
%
If you run behind a car you will get exhausted...

But if you run infront of a car you will get tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esic67/if_you_run_behind_a_car_you_will_get_exhausted/
%
Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eshtwc/marijuana_and_coffee_are_my_favorite_combination/
%
After a rewatch of Harry Potter, a mother approaches her son and asks...

- Sweetie, who's the actress that plays Hermione again?
- Emma.
- Emma what, son?
- Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eshrvx/after_a_rewatch_of_harry_potter_a_mother/
%
A horse rider was riding along the road when he saw a person in a convertible going really fast

Finally the convertible stopped at a gas station. The rider came up and asked him, “Why are you driving so fast?”
The man responded,”my coolant system is broken, I drive fast to let the wind cool my engine.
The rider then rode off, pushing his horse faster and faster until finally it dropped dead.
“Darn, froze to death”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eshnc3/a_horse_rider_was_riding_along_the_road_when_he/
%
How Many Blondes Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Only one. She holds the Bulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eshl3b/how_many_blondes_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What is a Mexican’s favorite sport?

Cross-Country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eshkxn/what_is_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
%
What do Ghosts eat for breakfast?

Ethereal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eshfo9/what_do_ghosts_eat_for_breakfast/
%
What's the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?

The shitty golfer goes, \-WHAM!\- "FUCK!"
The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" \-WHAM!\-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eshcy6/whats_the_difference_between_a_shitty_golfer_and/
%
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks “Hey pal, why the long face?”

“Because I have a crippling addiction to alcohol.” The horse said, sadly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eshcf0/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_asks_hey/
%
I once knew a very humourless kleptomaniac.

He always took things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eshbw7/i_once_knew_a_very_humourless_kleptomaniac/
%
Wife: I lost my keys again!

Husband: It's in your
jeans.
Wife: Don't drag my
family into
this
.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esh9iq/wife_i_lost_my_keys_again/
%
Area 51

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esh4or/area_51/
%
Why do foot fetishists always lose?

They like the taste of defeat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esgyzk/why_do_foot_fetishists_always_lose/
%
Seoul, Korea is a very beautiful place.

There’s a Park everywhere I look!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esgnqi/seoul_korea_is_a_very_beautiful_place/
%
Jesus walks into a bar

“Just twelve waters please!”
*Winks at disciples*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esgjkv/jesus_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,

and I asked if they were gay.
They arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esgeah/i_saw_2_guys_wearing_matching_outfits/
%
Oprah should marry Deepak Chopra.

then his name would be Deepak Winfrey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esgb7g/oprah_should_marry_deepak_chopra/
%
A professor asks a math student, an engineering student and a medical student what 2+2=...

A professor asked a math student, an engineering student and a medical student, "What is two plus two?"
The math student excitedly states: "That is a solvable problem. The set of integers is a closed system under addition. Two is an integer, so the sum of 2 and 2 must also be an integer. Suppose for the sake of contradiction that 2+2<4..." The math student continues in quiet, mysterious tones, proving some result.
The engineering student waves his hands and says, "Something between 3 and 5."
The medical student responds: "Four."
The professor is thrilled to get the answer he was looking for and asked,"Excellent! How did you know?"
The medical student: "I memorized it."
(I found this home from when I was a medical student long ago.  Thought you would enjoy)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esg4em/a_professor_asks_a_math_student_an_engineering/
%
2 statues come to life

Once Upon a time there were two statues in a park. One had the body of a male the other of a female. They stood there for so long that god decided to give them life, so he sends down an angel. The angel gives them life and says: " You've got 2 hours before I have to turn you back to stone. In those 2 hours you can do whatever you want." The 2 statues turned human begin giggeling and go hide in the bushes. They stay there for an hour and laugh like crazy all the time. Sometimes you hear a male moan of relief. After an hour they come out of the bushes and the angel says: " You still have an hour left. You can do it a second time if you desire to." After that the woman said to the man: " Ok, but this time you will hold the bird und I'll shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esg1zw/2_statues_come_to_life/
%
What do you call a baby born out of incest?

...a gross domestic product.
Credit to u/frosty_biscuits, u/Geolassie, and u/mylifeintopieces1 for collectively arriving at this joke in a roast thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esg1hu/what_do_you_call_a_baby_born_out_of_incest/
%
My wife asked me what the difference between finished and completed is

I said
"Well you finished my life, and I completed yours"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esfr53/my_wife_asked_me_what_the_difference_between/
%
As I get older, I sometimes stop and think about all of the people I’ve lost along the way

Maybe my job as a tour guide wasn’t such a good idea after all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esfmz7/as_i_get_older_i_sometimes_stop_and_think_about/
%
I just slapped Dwayne Johnson's buttocks....

In other words, I've hit rock bottom......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esfl0w/i_just_slapped_dwayne_johnsons_buttocks/
%
A man and woman are in a new relationship discussing boundaries

The man says: So... What about sex? Is that on the table?
The woman says: no its in the bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esfhz5/a_man_and_woman_are_in_a_new_relationship/
%
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.

Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esfc5b/today_i_taught_my_son_a_lesson_by_eating_his/
%
So a blind man walks into a bar..

The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?"
In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, our bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esfbqr/so_a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the problem with twin witches?

You never know which witch is which.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esf91n/whats_the_problem_with_twin_witches/
%
Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esf3pp/accidentally_rubbed_ketchup_in_my_eyes_earlier/
%
Oh, how I hated it, when I was younger & my aunties would poke me at weddings and go *"How about you be the next?"*

They only stopped, when I started saying the same thing to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esf1eg/oh_how_i_hated_it_when_i_was_younger_my_aunties/
%
A demolition company recently made the decision to demolish a stable.

Of course, there were some neighsayers, but that’s to be expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esezfb/a_demolition_company_recently_made_the_decision/
%
What did the right boob say to left?

If we keep hanging around down here, people will think we’re nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eseubp/what_did_the_right_boob_say_to_left/
%
Answer this quiz and you won't regret it!

Q: There are 500 hundred bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
A: 499
Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant into the refrigerator?
A: Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge.
Q: What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in the refrigerator?
A: Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.
Q: The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals attended but one. Which animal is it and why?
A: Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.
Q: Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way across is by swimming. She swims       across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
A: The alligators were all at the birthday party.
Q: Sally dies anyway. Why?
A: She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esetou/answer_this_quiz_and_you_wont_regret_it/
%
My new girlfriend is a keeper

She works at the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esesnj/my_new_girlfriend_is_a_keeper/
%
Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?

Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esejz7/why_doesnt_our_democratic_society_permit_a_man_to/
%
A priest and a rabbi are travelling on a train

At one point, the priest asks the rabbi: “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I’ve often wondered if you've ever tried bacon” The rabbi admitted: “Well, I did once, out of curiosity many years ago, but never again” The priest smiled kindly: “I understand, old friend. Your secret’s safe with me” A few minutes later, the rabbi asks: “Since you ask, I've sometimes wondered if you ever had sex” Quietly, the priest replied: “I did once when I was a young novice, but not since” After a pause, the rabbi grinned and said: “Better than bacon, ain’t it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esejwu/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_travelling_on_a_train/
%
I’ve always wanted to be an organist

But that’s just a pipe dream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esej3w/ive_always_wanted_to_be_an_organist/
%
How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?

**You won't believe me.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eseid6/how_many_conspiracy_theorists_does_it_take_to/
%
How do you make a water bed bouncier?

You use spring water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esedqf/how_do_you_make_a_water_bed_bouncier/
%
My boss told me to have a good day..

so I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esedf7/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
%
Did you all hear about the new drug that hit the streets

Its a generic Viagra, called micocksafloppin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ese8fv/did_you_all_hear_about_the_new_drug_that_hit_the/
%
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esdyi9/jesus_can_walk_on_water_babies_are_72_water_i_can/
%
Some people are so disgusting....

I just caught a dirty pervert on the bus watching porn ... Over my shoulder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esdtkn/some_people_are_so_disgusting/
%
I just won a reward for most secretive person in the office.

I can't tell you how much that means to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esdjdx/i_just_won_a_reward_for_most_secretive_person_in/
%
I told my dad that he should embrace his mistakes

He had tears in his eyes. Then he hugged my sister and me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esdh63/i_told_my_dad_that_he_should_embrace_his_mistakes/
%
Teenage boy can't figure out how his friend gets laid all the time -- but he doesn't

He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees.
"All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time."
The teenage boy does as instructed, but instead, the girls see him, scream and run away.
"What did I do wrong?" the teenage boy asks his friend. The friend looks him over and shakes his head. "Christ, man. You're supposed to put it down the FRONT."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esdgnb/teenage_boy_cant_figure_out_how_his_friend_gets/
%
Me: Ugh, here comes Ron. He’s always talking about his arthritis.

**Ron:** What’s crackin?
**Me:** Jesus Christ Ron, shut the fuck up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esdf8k/me_ugh_here_comes_ron_hes_always_talking_about/
%
Did you hear about the underwater bar for mythical sea mammals?

It served no real porpoise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esd947/did_you_hear_about_the_underwater_bar_for/
%
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband

, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/escqgh/a_woman_was_taking_an_afternoon_nap_when_she_woke/
%
How the tables have turned!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/escopj/how_the_tables_have_turned/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/escm5n/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes a long time and the lightbulb has to want to change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/escgx6/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
NSFW The wax job

A trucker sees a Japanese massage parlor and decides to partake of the services.
He goes inside, pays $40 and they give him a perfectly ordinary massage.
He protests "Hey, wait a minute! Haven't you got something else? Something a little 'special'?"
The cute Japanese girl says "Ah, you want 'the wax job'?"
The trucker is beside himself "Yeah, yeah, I want that!"
The girl unzips his fly, lays his junk out on the table and karate chops it as hard as she can, while yelling 'Bonzai!'"
Wax shot out of both of his ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/escam8/nsfw_the_wax_job/
%
What’s the best part about having Alzheimer’s

All the new friends you meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esc9r1/whats_the_best_part_about_having_alzheimers/
%
4 men are at a movie theater waiting in line to watch a movie.

1 of those guys walk off to go to the bathroom so the other 3 guys start talking about how successful their sons are.
1 guy says, "My son owns a car dealership and told me he gave his best friend a Ferrari."
The 2nd guy says, "Well, my son owns a private airline company and he gave his best friend his own Private Jet."
The 3rd guy says, "Oh yeah, well my son is a Billionaire and he bought a Castle just to give it to his best friend"
The 4th guy came back from the bathroom and the other 3 guys ask him how successful his son is. The 4th guy tells them, "Well, my son isn't really successful. He's just gay but on the brightside, his 3 friends just gave him a Ferrari, his own Private Jet and even a Castle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esc7k6/4_men_are_at_a_movie_theater_waiting_in_line_to/
%
What’s worse than having ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esc4c6/whats_worse_than_having_ants_in_your_pants/
%
My wife thinks that I don't respect her privacy

At least that's what she texted her mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esbz0c/my_wife_thinks_that_i_dont_respect_her_privacy/
%
I don't want to brag but I have a date for Valentine's day

It's February 14th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esbxi3/i_dont_want_to_brag_but_i_have_a_date_for/
%
Trouble!!

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esbwld/trouble/
%
A perfectionist walks into a bar

Apparently the bar wasn't set high enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esbtn1/a_perfectionist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esbp87/how_come_your_employees_are_always_on_time_in_the/
%
What is Samuel L. Jackson’s favorite type of porn?

Mother fucking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esbm3z/what_is_samuel_l_jacksons_favorite_type_of_porn/
%
A man died after being shot

He came and went with a bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esbj2r/a_man_died_after_being_shot/
%
Why did the Roman woman never win Hide & Seek?

Because Julius Caesar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esbetx/why_did_the_roman_woman_never_win_hide_seek/
%
Why do Chinese kids not believe in Santa ?

Because they make the Toys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esbe79/why_do_chinese_kids_not_believe_in_santa/
%
Most women scream "Oh God!" During sex.

Of course Mary was the only one to actually mean it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esb8m2/most_women_scream_oh_god_during_sex/
%
I almost lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day.

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esb820/i_almost_lost_my_job_as_a_roofer_when_i_was/
%
The Date..

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.”
She said, “You pick.”
I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”
She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esb3cu/the_date/
%
What do mathematicians say when they leave?

π π!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esb395/what_do_mathematicians_say_when_they_leave/
%
What is the maximum speed of sex?

68
Because at 69, you turn around!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esaww8/what_is_the_maximum_speed_of_sex/
%
I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.

I asked what the hell are you doing?
He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esam6c/i_own_a_farm_and_this_morning_one_of_my_farmhands/
%
What’s the difference between giving birth and pooping?

The piece of shit’s just bigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esal3z/whats_the_difference_between_giving_birth_and/
%
Isaac Newton would be spinning in his grave

But gravity won't let him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esakqf/isaac_newton_would_be_spinning_in_his_grave/
%
With great power comes great electricity bill

Watt a powerful message

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esaie6/with_great_power_comes_great_electricity_bill/
%
When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain

She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esaasg/when_my_wife_was_in_labor_i_would_tell_her_jokes/
%
I once accidentally offended a schizophreniac with split personality disorder.

He was beside himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esa7rd/i_once_accidentally_offended_a_schizophreniac/
%
The worlds fastest masturbator died yesterday

Wrist. In. Peace

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esa6je/the_worlds_fastest_masturbator_died_yesterday/
%
What did the bird say to the conspiracy theorist?

Nothing, birds aren't real

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/esa3oj/what_did_the_bird_say_to_the_conspiracy_theorist/
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What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 5 years your job will still suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es9uwz/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”
“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
“I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
“Anything, Father.”
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
“Sister, would you mind if I touched them?”
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
“Yes, Sister?”
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
“I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe.
“Oh Father, may I touch it?”
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
“Is that true Father?”
“Yes, it is, Sister.”
“Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es9qzg/a_nun_and_a_priest_were_crossing_the_sahara/
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A new doctor with unique treatment methods gets appointed in a mental asylum

He decides to test 3 random patients to evaluate how unstable they are. If they pass the evaluation they can go home else face rigorous treatment.
For the test he calls their concerned relatives and takes them to a deep swimming pool without water. He then puts a drop of water into the pool.
"There," says the doctor, "Jump in and enjoy a swim."
The fist patient jumps in head first and gets badly injured to be rushed to the hospital. The second one too jumps and fractures his arms and legs.
The third one doesn't show any intention of jumping and refuses when the doctor insists.
The doctor is impressed and sends the third patient home.
Back home his wife asks him, "Dear, how did you realize jumping into the pool was dangerous?"
"Wha', do you think I'm crazy," he replies, "I don't know how to swim"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es9jzr/a_new_doctor_with_unique_treatment_methods_gets/
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A 45 year old IT contractor was visited by Death one evening

**IT contractor:** No it can't be, I've still got so much of my life to live, I'm still so young!
**Death:** Son, by my calculations, you should be 85, judging by the way you've filled your work time sheets up all these years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es9i1w/a_45_year_old_it_contractor_was_visited_by_death/
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My parents got a sex change and now I can’t find them?..

I guess they became transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es9dxo/my_parents_got_a_sex_change_and_now_i_cant_find/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es9cjd/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
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Two men are out playing golf

One of them drives his ball into some nearby bushes and goes in after it. After finding his ball, he decides he may as well pee while he's in there and save a walk back to the clubhouse. So he whips it out and starts to pee. Unfortunately a snake, which does not appreciate being peed on, jumps up and bites the end of his dick.
Alerted by his friend's screams, the other man runs in and sees the snake sliding away and his friend on the ground clutching his groin. He tells his friend to apply pressure and he'll call for help. He then dials for emergency.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"My friend was just bitten by a snake! What do I do?!"
"Ok sir, calm down. An ambulance is on its way. What we need to do in the meantime is make a small incision above the bite and suck the poison out. If you do not do this, your friend is going to die."
From the ground, the other man looks up and says "What are they saying?!"
"They said you're going to die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es990r/two_men_are_out_playing_golf/
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Waiter: I'm glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?

Person: Super easy, it was right next to the potatoes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es97jf/waiter_im_glad_you_enjoyed_your_dinner_how_did/
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Our neighbour's cat shit in our garden,

So my wife told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.
I don't see what that solved, now we've got cat shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es971p/our_neighbours_cat_shit_in_our_garden/
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I played CS:GO in Antarctica

My computer kept freezing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es95w5/i_played_csgo_in_antarctica/
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Rolled my first joint last night.

God my ankle hurts this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es95gv/rolled_my_first_joint_last_night/
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Posting a shit joke every day for no reason ( part 4 )

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself that my career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es94l7/posting_a_shit_joke_every_day_for_no_reason_part_4/
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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying,  Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,
"Mike--Mike."
"Who is it ?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams !"
"So, what's the bad news  ?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday's match !!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es8yz7/two_90_year_old_men_mike_and_joe_have_been/
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I stole my ex girlfriends wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es8uw4/i_stole_my_ex_girlfriends_wheelchair/
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There's nothing worse than having a Cranberries song stuck in your

heeeeeeeeead,
in your heeeeeead,
in your head, in your head,
in your hea, hea, head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es8ph0/theres_nothing_worse_than_having_a_cranberries/
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A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The man replies, "Boobs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es8izw/a_man_is_being_arrested_by_a_female_police/
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Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es8d9d/why_dont_introverted_trees_want_to_be_chopped_down/
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Why did the ram go off the cliff?

Because he didn’t see the ewe turn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es86hp/why_did_the_ram_go_off_the_cliff/
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Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es7ztt/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
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A CEO's advise

The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. "I was young, married, and out of work," he lectured.
"I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them, and sold them for ten cents each."
"I see," said the junior executive. "You kept reinvesting your money and grew a big business."
"No," said the CEO. "Then my wife’s father died and left me a fortune."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es7qee/a_ceos_advise/
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Heaven

So three men are waiting in heaven to get their vehicles, and the angel asks the first man “ have you ever cheated on your wife.” The man says “yes lots of times and gets a tricycle.
The next man comes up and the angel asks “have you ever cheated on your wife” the man says “only once” so he gets a old Toyota.
The next man comes up and the angel asks “have you ever cheated on your wife “ the man says no, so the angel gives him a really nice Bentley.
So the  three men are going down the street and the third man starts crying, the other men ask “why are you crying “
The man says”because I saw my wife on a skate board.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es7dbf/heaven/
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What did the hyperbolic geometry say to the non-Euclidean geometry on poker night?

Man, I fold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es78qe/what_did_the_hyperbolic_geometry_say_to_the/
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What happens when you let a panda eat some NH4+?

Pandamonium!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es72nm/what_happens_when_you_let_a_panda_eat_some_nh4/
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Why did the perverted cat get arrested?

Because he got caught watching kitty porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es6zp3/why_did_the_perverted_cat_get_arrested/
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What two words, when combined hold the most letters?

Post Office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es6x4x/what_two_words_when_combined_hold_the_most_letters/
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My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds.

Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es6ndc/my_new_years_resolution_was_to_finally_lose_50/
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What do you do if you put a load in the dishwasher that's too big?

Pray she makes it to the bathroom rather than drip on the bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es6eul/what_do_you_do_if_you_put_a_load_in_the/
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Farmer problems (long joke)

There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, chug chug chug it breaks down.
So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tractor and tow it back. He pulls apart his Datsun Ute and does all the fault finding and diagnostics you can imagine. He pulls apart the gearbox and finds a broken cog.
So he calls up the Datsun dealership and explains to him how his Datsun Ute broke down, and he needs a new cog for it. He asks if he could help him out. The dealership tells him "Yeh mate, I can get one in for ya but it's going to take about 6-8 weeks." The farmer says, "why so long? I really need the Datsun cog for my Datsun Ute." The man replies, "Yeh sorry mate, the parts coming from Japan, nothing I can do." The farmer says "fair enough" and hangs up the phone. He comes up with the idea to just fly over there himself and pick it up, as it's costing him money not having his Datsun ute running.
He buys a plane ticket to Japan expecting he's just going to get there and buy a Datsun cog and return home. He finally lands and makes his way to the Datsun factory. Out comes one of the workers and the farmer says to him, "Mate, I'm after a Datsun cog for my Datsun ute." The factory worker says "Yeh no worries, but we're a factory, you can't just buy one Datsun cog. You have to buy a 1000 Datsun cogs minimum." The farmer agrees and he takes a pallet of a 1000 Datsun cogs back onto the plane making his way home.
As the planes descending the planes to heavy for the landing gear and the flight attendants announce their going to throw out anything they deem as excessive. The flight crew are staring at a pallet of a 1000 Datsun cogs, thinking who would want a 1000, it's a Datsun.
So they decide to push it off the back of the plane. When at that moment the farmer comes racing in saying "stop, stop!". He reaches into the pile and grabs a Datsun cog out. And he's happy, as he got what he came for. So they push out the remainder, like 999 Datsun cogs, but let's just say a 1000, who's counting.
So you can imagine, a 1000 Datsun cogs are falling from the sky from a plane, what a sight that would be. 2 other farmers, Billy and Joel, sitting out on their deck under a tin roof see exactly that. Billy yells out, "Joel! Wake up! It's raining Datsun cogs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es6a30/farmer_problems_long_joke/
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Son: Dad! Guess What! I lost my virginity!

Dad: Great job son, have a seat next to me.
Son: I'd rather stand, it still hurts to sit down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es69u0/son_dad_guess_what_i_lost_my_virginity/
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Did you hear about the guy who lost the entire left side of his body in an accident?

Don’t worry…..he’s all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es68uf/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_lost_the_entire/
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What does the sign in front of the brothel say when it closes?

Beat it. We're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es68bz/what_does_the_sign_in_front_of_the_brothel_say/
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Ugh I have a dentist appointment tomorrow

It's at 2:30
True story. I didn't notice it was funny until my gf told me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es67mg/ugh_i_have_a_dentist_appointment_tomorrow/
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What would you call a jamaican proctologist?

Pokemon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es63j7/what_would_you_call_a_jamaican_proctologist/
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If saying my B's as V's makes me sound Russian,

Then so be it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es5zv5/if_saying_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
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Have you heard about the lawyer that lost the mesothelioma case?!

He tried asbestos he could

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es5v5m/have_you_heard_about_the_lawyer_that_lost_the/
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Black Out Drunk and in Love

A man woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover and he couldn't remember what he had done the night before. On the table next to the bed he saw two aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife, saying, "Honey, there is a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love you lots!"
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order; spotlessly clean. He quickly notices that the rest of the house looks extremely clean. He decides to get up and stumbles into the bathroom where he notices he has a very swollen eye that is also black and blue.
After shaving, he goes to the kitchen. As he passes the hall, he sees that the mirror is broken. At this point he is very perplexed. He realizes that his son is in the kitchen and is eating a huge breakfast. The man asks his son, "What happened last night? Why is the house clean and why do I have a black eye?"
The son replies, "Well dad, last night you came home drunk off your ass. You stumbled into the mirror, broke it, and hit your head on the bedroom doorknob.
Mom helped you to bed, and as she was trying to get your pants off you kicked her away                    and said,  "Get off me lady, I'm married!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es5ujy/black_out_drunk_and_in_love/
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If a fat man puts you in a sack tonight don’t worry

I just told Santa I wanted you for Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es5rlm/if_a_fat_man_puts_you_in_a_sack_tonight_dont_worry/
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China Two Party System

Taiwan and China
Signed, Hong Kong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es5q9b/china_two_party_system/
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What’s the difference between a piano and a fish?

Your mom’s pussy doesn’t smell like a piano.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es5mq4/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_and_a_fish/
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Doctor: "I have bad news, you are going to die."

Me: OMG. How long do I have?
Dr: 10
Me: Ten what? Years, months, weeks, days?
Dr: 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es5ird/doctor_i_have_bad_news_you_are_going_to_die/
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A programmer was accused of bad coding.

He refused to comment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es541k/a_programmer_was_accused_of_bad_coding/
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What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es4ud4/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_mix_alcohol_and/
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I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”

And I thought, “that’s just spam”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es4sq8/i_got_an_email_saying_at_google_earth_we_can_even/
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A blonde enters heaven.

God says "There are 100 steps on this staircase. On each step, I will tell you a joke. But if you laugh, you will be sent out of heaven never to return."
The blonde agrees. God tells the first joke, she doesn't laugh. Same thing happens for the second joke, and so on.
On the 99th step, the blond laughs. God says, "Tell me, why did you laugh? You only had one joke left before heaven."
The blonde says, "I just got the first one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es4qov/a_blonde_enters_heaven/
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I suggested to my wife that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently that's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es4qm3/i_suggested_to_my_wife_that_she_would_look_sexier/
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When the farmer counted his cows in the field he had 196

When he rounded them up he had 200

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es4qcx/when_the_farmer_counted_his_cows_in_the_field_he/
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A woman brings her dead husband to the funeral home

The mortician comes out and says; "Madam, we have prepared everything for your husband's funeral tomorrow. We just wanted your comment on how he should look since mentioned wanting an open casket?"
The wife looks at her husband and bursts in tears; "I'm sorry, but I see you've dressed him in his best black suit. Well, he and I always agreed that he looked best in blue but we could never afford to get another suit of that quality and now it's too late."
The mortician raises his hands and says; "Not to worry madam, we will arrange a new blue suit for him by tomorrow and we can sort out the costs afterwards, don't worry about a thing."
The next day; the funeral goes ahead and everything is going well despite the morbid and tragic nature of the event. The wife gets up to say the eulogy and sees her husband in his casket. He is wearing a midnight blue tailored suit with a beautiful sky blue tie and brand new shoes. If he had not been dead, she would have said he never looked better.
After the service she goes up to the mortician and hugs him; "Thank you so much for everything, please tell me what it cost, I'll gladly pay anything!" "It is no trouble at all madam, and also no charge; after you left, another woman brought in her husband's body which was wearing a blue suit and we asked if she would be ok swapping. She was surprised but didn't mind at all."
"So everything worked out?" She said.
"Yeah, we just swapped the heads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es4ml4/a_woman_brings_her_dead_husband_to_the_funeral/
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Some people are like slinkies

Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es4lli/some_people_are_like_slinkies/
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Who called it a marijuana field...

... and not the high ground?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es4j17/who_called_it_a_marijuana_field/
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Wife: we should role-play

**Me:** OK, I'll be Samuel L. Jackson
**Her:** what—
**Me:** SAY WHAT AGAIN. I DARE YOU. I DOUBLE DARE YOU MUTHAFUCKA. SAY WHAT ONE MORE GADDAMM TIME!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es4dwr/wife_we_should_roleplay/
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You can tell an Ant's gender by placing it in water. If it sinks, it's girl ant.

If it floats, it's buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es4ao3/you_can_tell_an_ants_gender_by_placing_it_in/
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What do you call a pharaoh who farts infrequently?

Toot-uncommon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es42ux/what_do_you_call_a_pharaoh_who_farts_infrequently/
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My friend asked me about getting fisted by a man with no fingers

Needless to say, I was stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es42oq/my_friend_asked_me_about_getting_fisted_by_a_man/
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I've been trying to invent a pen that can write on any surface

But it only works on paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es3wfm/ive_been_trying_to_invent_a_pen_that_can_write_on/
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My husband cheats and he beats me.

I don't want to play poker with him anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es3pvp/my_husband_cheats_and_he_beats_me/
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Me and my girlfriend recently broke up,

The relationship was great but her dad, he was the issue.
He was a very strict catholic, which meant when ever I’d stay over he wouldn’t let us sleep in the same bed.
Which is a shame because he’s very attractive..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es3oec/me_and_my_girlfriend_recently_broke_up/
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I was telling a woman about my ability to guess the day she was born just by feeling her breasts.

“Really,” she said, “go ahead and try.” After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, tell me what day I was born?” I said, “Yesterday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es3i9d/i_was_telling_a_woman_about_my_ability_to_guess/
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NSFW Girl to her friend: Do you know how many calories there are in a load of cum?

Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es3gpm/nsfw_girl_to_her_friend_do_you_know_how_many/
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After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had.  They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es389p/after_entering_what_appeared_to_be_a_whole_new/
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A lion sees a spring running while wandering through the jungle.

He leans in to take a drink, head down, rear up and his tail swaying in the air. A gorilla wanders by and gives the lion the old Liberace and runs off. The lion gives chase through the jungle. The gorilla comes upon a campsite at the edge of the jungle and dashes into a tent. He grabs a hat, puts it on and picks up the New York Times. The lion runs by and pokes his head in the tent and asks "Did you see a gorilla run by here?" The gorilla says, "you mean the one that fucked that lion in the ass?" The lion says, "it already made the paper?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es368j/a_lion_sees_a_spring_running_while_wandering/
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A millionaire wanted to eat something exotic

He rembered fried bugs being served at the last party he was on. He had taken a liking in them so he ordered his cook to prepare some worms for dinner.
That evening the millionaire was getting ready for his meal. His cook brought him a plate full of white maggots, althought something didn't seem right to him. He poked one worm with his finger and they were not hot like he ordered.
Just before making a scene the bug he touched moved and to disbelief of the millionaire the creature spoke to him.
-Please don't eat me, I have kids!
-I won't eat you if you give me a good reason not to.
-Your cook had prepared us just before you arrived. He hadn't fried us long enough and you wanted to eat a hot meal, right?
-That's correct.
-Hi, I'm Luke Worm. Nice to meet you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es2z51/a_millionaire_wanted_to_eat_something_exotic/
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Have you heard of Batman's brother, High-Hatman?

He's a cymbal of justice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es2x87/have_you_heard_of_batmans_brother_highhatman/
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A man walks into a Brothel

A man walks into a brothel and asks the receptionist to sort him out a woman, she tells him where to go and what to pay and he goes ahead with it.
Half an hour later he comes out fustrated.
"How was your experience?" The receptionist asked
"It was okay but shes a little fridgit, I like a woman who will let me do whatever I want to her"
The receptionist thinks for a moment and says to the man "Tell you what, I know another girl we have. While she is a little more expensive she will let you do whatever you could possibly imagine to her."
"No limitations?" The man asks
"Not at all, all we ask you is for you to wear a black condom" the woman replies
The man thinks for a moment and agrees to it, getting his condom, paying the bill and heading into the specified room.
An hour later out he comes with a big smile on his face.
"How was that?" The woman asked
"Amazing! Like you said I could do whatever I wanted with no complaints! I must ask though... why the black condom?" The man asked
"Well it's only fair to pay respect to the dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es2lke/a_man_walks_into_a_brothel/
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I like a girl who loves romantic long walks....

because I don't have a car or money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es2li6/i_like_a_girl_who_loves_romantic_long_walks/
%
What happens when you enter a bathroom?

Urine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es2j3m/what_happens_when_you_enter_a_bathroom/
%
What did the French terrorist say to his departing friend?

Bomb voyage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es2dt4/what_did_the_french_terrorist_say_to_his/
%
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es2ds5/my_wife_is_really_mad_at_the_fact_that_i_have_no/
%
My mate paid £300 for a limo only to find out that it didn't include a driver!

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es25pt/my_mate_paid_300_for_a_limo_only_to_find_out_that/
%
How do antivaxxers celebrate their kid's first birthday?

By putting flowers on the grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es1o2n/how_do_antivaxxers_celebrate_their_kids_first/
%
Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Deep down they're really good people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es17c4/why_do_they_bury_lawyers_under_20_feet_of_dirt/
%
Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?

**Joseph: [pulls up a chair]** yea Mary, where DO babies come from?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es153z/young_jesus_mom_where_do_babies_come_from/
%
A 2 girls and their dad are sitting in a car.

Girl: Dad, why am I named Rose?
Dad: Because a rose fell on your nose as we were leaving the hospital.
Girl 2: **caveman noises**
Dad: Be quiet, Brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es1192/a_2_girls_and_their_dad_are_sitting_in_a_car/
%
I went to the zoo and I saw a baguette in a cage.

I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es0z9i/i_went_to_the_zoo_and_i_saw_a_baguette_in_a_cage/
%
Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet.

But most only have 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es0xd1/some_alligators_can_grow_up_to_15_feet/
%
My friend came up to me and said “what rhymes with orange?”

And I replied, “no it doesn’t!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es0tqt/my_friend_came_up_to_me_and_said_what_rhymes_with/
%
What do you call an Italian strip club?

Spaghetti-hoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es0qvq/what_do_you_call_an_italian_strip_club/
%
A hunter is stalking in the jungle when he finds a sexy woman naked on a blanket. He stares at her intently then says:

"Are you game?" "I sure am," she purrs. So he shoots her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es0ods/a_hunter_is_stalking_in_the_jungle_when_he_finds/
%
The night Lorena Bobbit severed her husband's penis, she drove a distance then tossed the 'apendage' out of her car window, striking the windshield of a vehicle driving in the opposite direction.

"Christ! Did you see the size of that bug?" To which the passenger replied, "No, but damn, it had an enormous dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es0mt4/the_night_lorena_bobbit_severed_her_husbands/
%
We all know where the Big Apple is but does any one know where the...

Minneapolis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es0mfo/we_all_know_where_the_big_apple_is_but_does_any/
%
A whole generation will only know Billy Ray Cyrus for “Old Town Road”

And that breaks my heart. My achy breaky heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es0i7m/a_whole_generation_will_only_know_billy_ray_cyrus/
%
I was asked to describe what a fire detector was..

I told them it was what my dad used to tell him that dinner was ready.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es0eij/i_was_asked_to_describe_what_a_fire_detector_was/
%
How did Pharaoh successfully enslave the Jews?

He created a pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/es0b6i/how_did_pharaoh_successfully_enslave_the_jews/
%
Australians don't have sex...

They mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erzx9d/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
A snail, who was tired of being slow, went and bought a sports car wjth a big “S” painted on each side.

Whenever someone saw him zooming past, they would say, “Hey, look at that S-Car Go!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erzunt/a_snail_who_was_tired_of_being_slow_went_and/
%
I hate jokes about German sausage...

They're the wurst!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erzrt7/i_hate_jokes_about_german_sausage/
%
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erzqvf/a_group_of_guys_all_turning_40_discussed_where/
%
A horse walks into a bar and says,

"A right triangle with sides x, y, and z where x and z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?"
The bartender says,
"Y, the long face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erzq71/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
%
A blonde woman left a 20$ bill fall in a toilet

She asks for her boyfriend to take it out, he thinks for a second, and explains:
"Baby, I don't think 20$ are worthy of putting my hand in the toilet."
Then the blonde throws a 50$ bill in the toilet and says:
"But I'm pretty sure 70$ are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erzp9m/a_blonde_woman_left_a_20_bill_fall_in_a_toilet/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One of them weighs about a ton.
The other is just a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erzon3/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
My wife took the car in to have its alignment checked.

Turns out it's Lawful Evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erzekz/my_wife_took_the_car_in_to_have_its_alignment/
%
English Man, Irish Man and a Scotsman chatting.

English man says, in my local pub, you buy one drink you get 2 free.
Scotsman says, in my local pub you buy 2 drinks you get 5 free.
Irish man says that is nothing, in my local pub, you buy one drink and you are treated to free drink all night long, and afterwards you go to a room and have sex all night long. Both the other men said wow as this happened to you? He replied no, but it happens to my Sister every Friday Night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erzc94/english_man_irish_man_and_a_scotsman_chatting/
%
A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.

He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls.
"What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man.
"I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply.
"Well, come with me," said St. Peter.  "I will show you to your quarters."  And St. Peter led the man to a sumptuous palace, more glorious than anything on earth.
St. Peter returned to the line, and asked the next man what he did in life.  The man replied, "In life, I was Pope John Paul II."
St. Peter said, "Let me show you to your quarters," and led the Pontiff to a tiny shack made of the crudest materials imaginable.  When St. Peter returned to the line, the man started shouting.
"That isn't fair!  That was the Pope, and you put him in a terrible house, while some nobody of a lawyer gets the finest palace imaginable!  This just doesn't seem right."
St. Peter shrugged his shoulders.  "What can I say?  We've got hundreds of popes up here.  It's the first lawyer we've ever had."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erzbi3/a_man_died_and_was_waiting_in_line_to_get_into/
%
Did it hurt?

When you fell into the toilet you piece of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erywtw/did_it_hurt/
%
I saw two large, black birds stuck to each other in the garden yesterday

I'm pretty sure they were vel crows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erycb2/i_saw_two_large_black_birds_stuck_to_each_other/
%
A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.
“Fine. You can turn it up.”
Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.
“More. This is easy”
Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the doctor.
The wife delivers without much pain, and out comes a healthy baby. They stay in the hospital overnight and then go home the next day.
When they got home, they found the milkman dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eryca3/a_man_and_his_wife_go_into_the_delivery_room_to/
%
A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman.

A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.
He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”
“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the second wife?”
The man replied, “the second wife was a great woman and I really have great respect for her, but she was a teacher and during sex would always scold me to ‘DO IT AGAIN! DO IT BETTER!’ and at some point my I’ve wore thin and I had to leave.”
“When you don’t feel a connection anymore, leaving is the only option” said the therapist. “And the third?”
“The third was a wonderful young spirit, the only thing was that she was a Formula 1 driver and would constantly yell ‘FASTER! FASTER! PICK UP THE PACE!’ when we made love - it became unbearable so yet again we had to part ways.
“With this sort of luck I don’t blame you for being down on yourself... and what about now? You are married again?” Asked the therapist.
“Oh yes, now I have the perfect woman!!” Said the man.
“She’s a construction worker, so every time we have sex there is no stress... if I ever get tired she says, ‘Ah, fuck it, this can wait ‘til tomorrow.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ery6dv/a_man_was_talking_to_his_therapist_about_finding/
%
A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.

He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.
“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”
The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,
“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”
The country boy replies,
“My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erxwzv/a_country_boy_gets_accepted_into_harvard/
%
Frank's joints would hurt at the same time every day...

For years Frank's knees or elbows would start to ache at 8:50am and 8:50pm.
At first he thought nothing of it....he was getting older and he figured it was all part of aging.  After about 5 years Frank got concerned and starting seeing doctor after doctor trying to figure out what what was causing it.
Desperate he started looking to alternative medicine...no help...he started seeing doctors running pill mills...no help.  The pain would come back twice a day every day.
At his wits' end he goes and sees a doctor in a filthy clinic.  This doctor had been suspended many times, sued and lost every lawsuit, but Frank was losing hope for a diagnosis.
Sitting on an exam table in a thin paper exam gown, Frank tells the sleazy doctor.. "Every day, every day at 8:50 I'm in pain....the best doctors in the state cannot figure out what the cause is."
The sleazy doctor sitting there in his stained lab coat....filter-less cigarette dangling from his mouth looks up and down at Frank and finally says...."It's simple....you have tendinitis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erxlfa/franks_joints_would_hurt_at_the_same_time_every/
%
French fries are not made in France.

They are actually made in Grease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erxc8h/french_fries_are_not_made_in_france/
%
A man comes home after work, limping.

His wife looks at him, concerned. "What happened to your leg?"
"Oh, I got into a fender bender."
"What? So you got hurt in the crash?"
"Not exactly. You see, when the driver of the other car got out, it turns out he was a dwarf. He yelled,
'I AM NOT HAPPY.''
"But what does that have to do with your leg?"
"I asked which one he was, then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erxaz7/a_man_comes_home_after_work_limping/
%
...all go to a nightclub

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...
The doorman stops them and says “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erx7hg/all_go_to_a_nightclub/
%
Evryone is unique and specal, even down to our blod types.

Sorry for Type O's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erwyz4/evryone_is_unique_and_specal_even_down_to_our/
%
Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erwowx/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
%
What’s the best way to dispose of your Christmas tree?

Put it on the curb and wait for Lindsey Lohan to steal it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erwli6/whats_the_best_way_to_dispose_of_your_christmas/
%
What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler

Usain Bolt can actually finish the race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erwjur/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_adolf/
%
My dad got incarcerated for assault during a parent teacher meeting.

He stood on principal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erwikn/my_dad_got_incarcerated_for_assault_during_a/
%
Do you win many races?

Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erw6ak/do_you_win_many_races/
%
A man walks into a bar an drinks 10 straight double whiskys one after the other, suddenly he keels over rubbing his stomach head bowed, barman says to the man, 'what's the matter?' Man says 'I shouldn't of drank that whisky with what I've got', barman says 'why what have you got?'

Man says 2quid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erw4x3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_an_drinks_10_straight/
%
Word on the street is that an Iranian lawmaker is trying to take out the President

He should know that the President has a preference for hamburgers and caviar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erw4vl/word_on_the_street_is_that_an_iranian_lawmaker_is/
%
Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erw14l/why_did_the_tomato_blush/
%
A retired Marine is standing alone at a public occasion

A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him.
She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?"
He replies saying,"1945"
The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time"
The marine goes with her and they have amazing sex
At the end the woman says,"You know,you're in great shape since the last time you had sex was a long time ago"
The marine replies saying,"Can't say it's been long,it was only half an hour ago"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ervvkt/a_retired_marine_is_standing_alone_at_a_public/
%
We haven't found a solution for climate change yet, but...

...we're definitely getting warmer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ervsd5/we_havent_found_a_solution_for_climate_change_yet/
%
Interesting fact about the Canary Islands

Did you know that there's not a single canary bird on the Canary Islands?
Same holds true for the Virgin Islands.
Not a single canary bird there either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ervpmb/interesting_fact_about_the_canary_islands/
%
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided maybe she was right and I needed to up my underwear game.

So I bought a second pair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ervn42/after_years_of_the_wife_complaining_about_me/
%
It’s not a communist joke unless...

Everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ervmol/its_not_a_communist_joke_unless/
%
How do you reboot a Computer?

By calling a Cobbler.
\*I tried posting in r/DadJokes but didn't have the Karma req..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ervme1/how_do_you_reboot_a_computer/
%
Sherlock and Watson are taking a leisurely stroll in the park

Sherlock sees something brown on his shoe and asks John,"My dear Watson, is that dirt?"
Watson replies,"No,shit,Sherlock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ervkg5/sherlock_and_watson_are_taking_a_leisurely_stroll/
%
Chicken pot pie

My three favorite things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erviwb/chicken_pot_pie/
%
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it

My illegal logging business is a success

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ervf0j/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_forest_and_nobody_hears_it/
%
Student loans you got me through college

I don’t think I can ever repay you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ervdz6/student_loans_you_got_me_through_college/
%
After my existential crisis, I decided to take a job as a feeder at the local dolphinarium

Now I’m serving a youthful porpoise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ervaz3/after_my_existential_crisis_i_decided_to_take_a/
%
Why did the midget give up on his dream of becoming a butcher?

Because the steaks were too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erv9ns/why_did_the_midget_give_up_on_his_dream_of/
%
An ancient aquatic system older than the pyramids has been revealed by the Australian bushfires

Australian scientists are thinking about naming them 'rivers.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erv55k/an_ancient_aquatic_system_older_than_the_pyramids/
%
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but it's a 35 minute walk from the bar back to my house...

The difference is staggering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erv13h/its_a_5_minute_walk_from_my_house_to_the_bar_but/
%
Remember, if you get locked out of your house

Speak to the locks nicely, because communication is key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eruv4z/remember_if_you_get_locked_out_of_your_house/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erut9a/why_does_snoop_dogg_carry_an_umbrella/
%
My weekend is looking like a poorly organized herb gardener.

Nothing but thyme on my hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eruqbn/my_weekend_is_looking_like_a_poorly_organized/
%
What does a school and a Running track have Alike?

If you hear a gunshot, it's time to run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eru7dv/what_does_a_school_and_a_running_track_have_alike/
%
The Marines are a department of the Navy

The men's department.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eru6lv/the_marines_are_a_department_of_the_navy/
%
The word 'diputseromneve' may look ridiculous

But backwards it's even more stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eru15z/the_word_diputseromneve_may_look_ridiculous/
%
having poor parents is actually quite nice sometimes

Since teachers assume we are living on the streets, they don't give me any homework anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eru0ew/having_poor_parents_is_actually_quite_nice/
%
I'm thinking of becoming a Locksmith...

I'm hoping it will open some doors for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eru07b/im_thinking_of_becoming_a_locksmith/
%
Regular naps help to prevent old age

Especially if you take them while driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ertwon/regular_naps_help_to_prevent_old_age/
%
Went for a testicle check up last week. The little tai nurse cupped my balls and said 'dont worry, it's normal to get an erection during this procedure'

I said 'i haven't got an erection'
She said 'no, but I have'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ertv41/went_for_a_testicle_check_up_last_week_the_little/
%
I have a business selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

The prophets are through the roof so I guess you can say that business is booming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ertrz9/i_have_a_business_selling_landmines_disguised_as/
%
Man walks into a Dr.’s office with a duck on his head. Dr. says, “May I help you?”

Duck says, “Yeah – get this guy off my butt!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ertkm7/man_walks_into_a_drs_office_with_a_duck_on_his/
%
If someone who speaks 3 languages is trilingual, and someone who speaks 2 languages is bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks 1 language?

American!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ertk7l/if_someone_who_speaks_3_languages_is_trilingual/
%
What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin, get in the Batmobile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ertk5x/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
%
Son: | was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school.

Me: What's that?
Son: A big building with lots of kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ertjvy/son_was_awarded_the_leslie_nielsen_badge_at_school/
%
A New Zealander fell asleep during his appointment at the clinic.

He was asked to count his sexual partners.
>!baaaaaaa!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ertj55/a_new_zealander_fell_asleep_during_his/
%
“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ertety/judge_60_of_my_parking_tickets_are_bogus/
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Contest in a girl's college: Write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ersxfu/contest_in_a_girls_college_write_a_short_story/
%
What does anal and broccoli have in common

you appreciate them as an adult... not so much as a child

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ersilb/what_does_anal_and_broccoli_have_in_common/
%
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”
“Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ersevw/after_a_preacher_died_and_went_to_heaven_he/
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I’m from Pittsburgh, originally — and just hang out with my mom for a little bit, you know?

Wanted to go home and hang out with her for a little bit, you know, help her out, cheer her up. But all my mom cares about now is the lottery and me running errands for her. Like, every day. Every day, it’s, “Anthony, go play my numbers. Go play my numbers, please. I don’t want to miss out today.” Finally, after a week of this, I had to say to her, “Mom, are you out of your goddamn mind? Don’t you know you’ve got a better chance of getting struck by lightning than me doing you a favor?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ersdzw/im_from_pittsburgh_originally_and_just_hang_out/
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Teacher: give me a sentence with "zebra"

Student: last night, the only thing between my hand and my gf's boobs was zebra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ersdkq/teacher_give_me_a_sentence_with_zebra/
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With age, you gain wisdom.

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. She even kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the check out and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease. It's just that you look so much like my late son."
The man answered, "It's okay ma'am."
She said, "I know it sounds silly, but if you would just say 'Goodbye Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel quite happy."
The man complied, and as the little old lady was leaving the store, he called out, "GOOD BYE MOM!"
The lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine in someone's life, he proceeded to pay for his groceries at the check out.
"That comes to 1211.85$, sir.", said the clerk.
The man was perplexed. He said, "How is that possible, I only bought five items, and the tally was less than 200$!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said, that you would be paying for her things too."
And I bet you thought this would turn out to be a tearjerker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ers314/with_age_you_gain_wisdom/
%
An elderly man was sitting in a park

and noticed a young boy playing with an earth worm. The young boy was rubbing the worm and after a few moments the wiggly thing had become firm and straight as an arrow. The man watched the boy slide the worm into a drinking straw and placed the straw in his pouch.
The man was amazed at this sight and approached the young boy and asked how the boy had convinced the earth worm to stay so straight. The young boy laughed and responded "It's magic and a good magician never tells his secrets". The man grew even more curious and promised the young boy $1 for the secret to his trick. The boy, intrigued by this, took the $1 dollar and told the man "I actually just rub my sister's clear hair gel on the worm, then I take it home to my garden". The old man found the trick quite good and gave the boy another dollar before heading home from the park.
The next day and elderly woman was strolling through the park and stumbled upon the same boy performing the same trick on a worm. The woman approached the boy and asked "Are you the boy with the magic worms?" and the boy immediatly held up his stick-like worm and nodded with pride. The woman reached into her purse and handed the boy $100. She then told the boy that she and her husband found the trick quite good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ers2jf/an_elderly_man_was_sitting_in_a_park/
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Just discovered that I failed a job interview last week.

Apparently a gangbang isn't proof you can work in a team.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ers1l8/just_discovered_that_i_failed_a_job_interview/
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Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage..

I used to shave my privates with one, but I don’t have the balls to do that now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/errm2d/shaving_with_a_straight_razor_takes_a_lot_of/
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A man was an the express checkout..

A man was at the express checkout for 5 items or less
The lady behind him looks into his basket and sees a box of beers and an Indian meal for one..
The man sees her peeking over so he looks into her basket and sees a bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for one.
The man says to the lady "You must be single?"
She giggles and replies "What makes you think that?" With a cheeky grin on her face..
The man replies "Because you're an ugly cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erraow/a_man_was_an_the_express_checkout/
%
Why is the ocean so salty?

Because the land never waves back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/err74c/why_is_the_ocean_so_salty/
%
What happens when a hooker eats a bean burrito?

Prostitoots!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/err54i/what_happens_when_a_hooker_eats_a_bean_burrito/
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Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/err407/dentist_this_will_hurt_a_little/
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I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erqy3n/i_got_arrested_for_illegally_downloading/
%
If you're a woman who sews for a living...

You seem stressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erqy0n/if_youre_a_woman_who_sews_for_a_living/
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What's the definition of a reverse exorcism?

It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erqy07/whats_the_definition_of_a_reverse_exorcism/
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The Rule is “I Before E…”

Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erqta1/the_rule_is_i_before_e/
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What starts with 'M' and ends with 'arriage'?

Miscarriage. That joke never gets old, like the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erqsjs/what_starts_with_m_and_ends_with_arriage/
%
A woman was at a bar

When she met a beautiful red headed man. They got to flirting and inevitably the question arose "does the carpet match the drapes?"
The man replied, "no, it's hardwood"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erqlvz/a_woman_was_at_a_bar/
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What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?

If we stick together we can stop this shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erqecl/what_did_the_left_butt_cheek_say_to_the_right/
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My best friend just placed an orange-flavored soda on my head

I think she has a Crush on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erqb7y/my_best_friend_just_placed_an_orangeflavored_soda/
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An aspiring actor arranged a meeting with an agent.

When he sat down at the agents desk, the agent looked over his file and immediately exclaimed,
"Your name is Penis Van Lesbian?! There is absolutely no way you will make it in this industry! You need something much more family friendly!"
Penis replied, "How about Dick Van Dyke?"
"Perfect."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erq6rc/an_aspiring_actor_arranged_a_meeting_with_an_agent/
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Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.

Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erq6lr/sherlock_holmes_walks_into_his_house_with_a/
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A restaurant test-marketed its new breakfast sandwiches. They sold lots of Baconsters and Porksters,

but almost nobody ordered the Hamster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erpxeu/a_restaurant_testmarketed_its_new_breakfast/
%
How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh?

Wonton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erpqgf/how_much_does_a_chinese_dumpling_weigh/
%
An officer and a lawyer were having a discussion in court.

Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor."
Officer: "That is correct."
Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?"
Officer: "The floor was still wet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erpq1o/an_officer_and_a_lawyer_were_having_a_discussion/
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If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick...

Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erpnx3/if_big_feet_means_big_dick_and_big_car_means/
%
Why do the French eat small breakfasts?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erpnbh/why_do_the_french_eat_small_breakfasts/
%
A group of ten ants just walked into my room.

They scurried about my room frantically, and out of pity I made a house for them out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my... Tenants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erpig8/a_group_of_ten_ants_just_walked_into_my_room/
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Why did the little strawberry cry?

Because her mother was in a jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erp5e8/why_did_the_little_strawberry_cry/
%
An irregular bird

I saw a bird today
It was eating a gluten free bagel
It must be a Millennial Falcon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erp50n/an_irregular_bird/
%
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex

- Hey Bob, do you shower after sex?
- Well, of course I do.
- Great, could you please get laid more often?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eroygu/hey_bob_do_you_shower_after_sex/
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My grandfather turned 65 and started running a mile a day to stay fit.

He’s 70 now and we still have no idea where he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eroqr0/my_grandfather_turned_65_and_started_running_a/
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What’s an author’s favourite website?

Read it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erolld/whats_an_authors_favourite_website/
%
What do bartenders and anti-vaccination parents have in common?

They don't give shots to kids!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erod7k/what_do_bartenders_and_antivaccination_parents/
%
Did you hear about the Italian Chef?

He Pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ero2xr/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef/
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?

A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ero14r/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an_insomniac_a/
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If a kid refuses to sleep during a nap time..

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ernyla/if_a_kid_refuses_to_sleep_during_a_nap_time/
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What is the weakest part of a car?

The nut holding the steering wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ernq0x/what_is_the_weakest_part_of_a_car/
%
I was watching an Australian cooking show and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue.

I was shocked, Australians usually boo meringue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erng9l/i_was_watching_an_australian_cooking_show_and/
%
Saw an ad about dildos. It said ‘9 inches and realistic’.

I was like ‘well, which is it?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ernebi/saw_an_ad_about_dildos_it_said_9_inches_and/
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Two priests at a hotel

The priests walked to the public showers. Once they were at the showers they realized that they had forgotten their soaps. So one of the priests decided to walk naked back to their room which was rather close.
Once he had obtained the two soaps he saw 3 nuns coming around the corner in the corridor. He felt very embarrassed so he stood against the wall pretending to be a statue.
One of the nuns saw his privates and dragged once and he dropped a soap and she was surprised and told the other two nuns that it was a soap dispenser.
The other nun did the same thing and he dropped his second soap.
The third nun dragged once and nothing happened, so she did it repeatedly and she was very surprised over what had happened and told the other two nuns "Look! I got liquid handsoap"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erncdx/two_priests_at_a_hotel/
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Did you know that an helicopters propeller serves to keep the pilot cool?

Because when it stops the pilot starts sweating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ern4u6/did_you_know_that_an_helicopters_propeller_serves/
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Why do school Principles always give great blowjobs?

I don’t know, all I know is they are the headmasters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ermvr6/why_do_school_principles_always_give_great/
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How do you friendzone someone?

Just asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ermvnm/how_do_you_friendzone_someone/
%
Three hawks

sitting on a tree one goes and comes back later with blood on his beak the other hawks say tell us he said do u see that rock there they say yes he said there was a rabbit and i ate it
the second hawk goes and comes back with more blood on his beak then the first hawk the other hawks say tell us tell us! He sayed do u see that tree there they said yes he sayed there was a injured deer and i ate it
The third hawk goes and comes back with blood all over his body the hawks yell TELL US TELL US TELL US  he said do u see the HUGE iron piller they yell YES he said i didn't.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ermvkm/three_hawks/
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My family told me I have a drug problem..

No, I don't have a problem with drugs? I love drugs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ermofd/my_family_told_me_i_have_a_drug_problem/
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An American is in Italian prison

"How'd you get here?" his cellmate asks.
"Well," he replies, "I went to go visit that famous leaning tower and then decided to get a slice of fresh pizza. I sit down and the server comes to take my order. I asked what's good and the server went down the list. Neapolitan, Giuseppe, Pugliese, Napoli, Chicago deep dish. When I heard the last one, I was a bit surprised and asked 'Ha, why in Pisa?' "
"Next thing I know, I woke up in this cell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ermguj/an_american_is_in_italian_prison/
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Why can't you trust a duck with bomb defusal?

They quack under pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ermdkm/why_cant_you_trust_a_duck_with_bomb_defusal/
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If people in Bangkok had a favorite NFL team, what team would they root for?

The Thai-tans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erm9q2/if_people_in_bangkok_had_a_favorite_nfl_team_what/
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Some jokes never get old... (Not mine)

Some jokes just NEVER get old LMAO
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.
"Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own fucking lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erm12h/some_jokes_never_get_old_not_mine/
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Did you hear about the girl who wasn't accepted into the emo club?

She couldn't make the cut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erlts6/did_you_hear_about_the_girl_who_wasnt_accepted/
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What does the sign of an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erlrxt/what_does_the_sign_of_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
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What’s a pirates favorite letter?

Most thing it’s rrrrrrrrrrr
Some believe it’s actually the c
But it’s actually P, because without it they’d be irate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erlemj/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erlead/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
%
Algebra must have been really easy for the Romans

X would always equal 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erl4lw/algebra_must_have_been_really_easy_for_the_romans/
%
Did you hear that Mozzarella joined a band?

It’s a string band and he shreds on the grateir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erkvpk/did_you_hear_that_mozzarella_joined_a_band/
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Why was the 3 year old non-vacinated kid crying?

Midlifecrisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erksum/why_was_the_3_year_old_nonvacinated_kid_crying/
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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erkrkn/i_went_for_a_job_interview_as_a_blacksmith/
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Jesus is on the cross and he yells “PETER” Peter try’s to get to Jesus but he gets beat baldy and the guards push him back.

The next day Jesus yells “PETER”
Peter try’s to get there and he almost does but once again he gets beat baldy and gets pushed back by the guards.
Then the next day Jesus yells “PETER” and he fights his way through the guards again and he gets through to Jesus.
He says “yes Jesus” and he is hurt badly again
Jesus says “ I can see your house from here”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erkpol/jesus_is_on_the_cross_and_he_yells_peter_peter/
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I love the look on people's faces, standing freezing at the bus stop as I drive past them.

It's partly why I became a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erkdem/i_love_the_look_on_peoples_faces_standing/
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It was 11 years ago today my pal James came running

It was 11 years ago today that my pal James came running out of the room shouting, "it's a boy, it's a boy" with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erkc07/it_was_11_years_ago_today_my_pal_james_came/
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Today I learned that 92% of people will believe everything you say...

...as long as you start by saying "Today I learned..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erk98l/today_i_learned_that_92_of_people_will_believe/
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A dog enjoys a cinema

A man follows a woman with a dog out of a cinema.
He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I noticed that your dog really seemed to be enjoying the movie.
"He cried when it was sad, he barked at the bad guy, and he laughed at the funny parts."
I didn't understand why was he howling at the end though?
"Oh he hates when the director changes the ending from the book." she replied,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erk202/a_dog_enjoys_a_cinema/
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A fella buys a talking centipede

Fella buys a talking centipede
for $5000 and takes it home in
a small box.
After 30 mins he opens the box
and says "Would you like to go
for a pint".
The centipede doesn't answer...
Raising his voice he repeats the
question, still no reply.
Getting angry, thinking he's been
done, he shouts the question
loudly.
At which the centipede sticks
his head out of his box and says
" I heard you the 1st time...
I'm putting my fricken shoes on".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erjrrg/a_fella_buys_a_talking_centipede/
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Lawyer Joke - 3 Questions

A man who needs legal help goes to a  lawyer’s office. After being escorted inside, he sits across the desk  from the lawyer. The man needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he  can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks.
“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.”
“Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of money to answer three questions?”
“Yes it is”, answers the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erj9r1/lawyer_joke_3_questions/
%
What do you call a cross-dressing vampire?

Dragula

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erj8oc/what_do_you_call_a_crossdressing_vampire/
%
I wasn't allowed into the house party.

That's the last time I go to one dressed as a Jehovah's witness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erj6ms/i_wasnt_allowed_into_the_house_party/
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What is it called when a porcupine is hit by a car?

Roadquill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erj1du/what_is_it_called_when_a_porcupine_is_hit_by_a_car/
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A ticket to the State Troopers Ball !

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.  A Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.”
The officer promptly replied, “Wisconsin State Troopers don’t have balls.”
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said.  He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.  She was laughing too hard to start her car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erizy6/a_ticket_to_the_state_troopers_ball/
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Slips Of The Tongue On TV and Radio

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'
5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erin0f/slips_of_the_tongue_on_tv_and_radio/
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines.

I just can't think of any ATM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erikrv/i_know_loads_of_jokes_about_cash_machines/
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I don't understand.. How do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erikn9/i_dont_understand_how_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eriiea/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares

It's nice to have some company

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erihs3/i_was_feeling_lonely_so_i_bought_some_shares/
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After a disappointing summer...

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eria13/after_a_disappointing_summer/
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A guy walks into an elevator

In the elevator is a woman.
The man says to her, "Can I smell your pussy?"
"No!" she replies
So the man says,
"Huh, must be your feet then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eri4jn/a_guy_walks_into_an_elevator/
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Why did Sarah drop her ice-cream

#>!she was hit by a truck!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erhsyl/why_did_sarah_drop_her_icecream/
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A Dr reaches in his pocket for a pen and pulls out a thermometer

"Shit, some asshole has my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erhkdg/a_dr_reaches_in_his_pocket_for_a_pen_and_pulls/
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When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erhii3/when_i_was_younger_the_local_priest_told_me_that/
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Why does Norway have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So they can Scan-da-Navy-in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erhgt1/why_does_norway_have_barcodes_on_the_sides_of/
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman find a magic slide, and the operator says “If you say what you want when you’re sliding down, you’ll land in it”

The Englishman slides down, shouts “GOLD!!” and lands in a pot of gold
The Scotsman slides down, shouts “SILVER!!” and lands in a pot of silver
The Irishman slides down and shouts “WEEEEEEE!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erhbvq/an_englishman_irishman_and_scotsman_find_a_magic/
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What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A roamin' Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erh7et/what_do_you_call_a_sleep_walking_nun/
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A male whale is with his girlfriend female whale

The male suggests that they go below a human boat and blow through their blowholes.
"C'mon, it will be fun!" He said.
The girlfriend replyed "Ok, anything for you honey."
And so they go below a boat with humans on it and they blow.
The boat went flying, and fell on its side.
"Look at all of those humans" he said,
"They are all in the water now" he continued,
"Let's swallow them!"
The girlfriend whale didn't like that idea and said "Ok, I may have went ahead with the blow job, but in no way am I gonna be swallowing seamen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erh5ep/a_male_whale_is_with_his_girlfriend_female_whale/
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A lot of people think an egg is a chicken fetus

But actually, that’s a common missed conception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erh57b/a_lot_of_people_think_an_egg_is_a_chicken_fetus/
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I hired a prostitute who charges $10,000 per hour.

The total bill came to $40.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ergocc/i_hired_a_prostitute_who_charges_10000_per_hour/
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I lost 50 pounds

to craps
at a British casino
I got it back at the all you can eat buffet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ergf85/i_lost_50_pounds/
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What do you call collecting funds to get your buddy out of jail?

Bro Fund Me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ergewl/what_do_you_call_collecting_funds_to_get_your/
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I Broke My Finger Last week

On The Other hand, I'm Okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ergbmr/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
%
"Darling, I have to tell you something"

A husband says to his wife: "Darling, I have to tell you something"
Wife replies: "What?"
Husband: "I don't know how to say this"
Wife: "What?"
Husband: "I don't even know if I should tell you"
Wife: "What?"
Husband: "You're completely deaf"
Wife: "What?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erga3m/darling_i_have_to_tell_you_something/
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I used to believe in Ra...

but it turned out to be a pyramid scheme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erg002/i_used_to_believe_in_ra/
%
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erfxgo/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erfvzs/how_does_moses_make_his_coffee/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a series of the most expensive single malt whiskies on the menu.

The bartender lines them up in front of him, and the man drinks them all as fast as possible.
The bartender gives him a surprised look and says, "Wow. I've never seen anyone drink single malt that quickly".
The man replies with, "Well, you would too if you had what I had".
The bartender replies with, "And what's that?"
"Fifty cents".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erfsql/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_series_of_the/
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Daniel, an Irish lad goes to confession.

Daniel: Forgive me father, for I have sinned
Priest: Tell me son, what transgressions have you committed?
Daniel: I took liberties with a young lass without being married.
Priest: You'll tell me right now, who this young lady is.
Daniel: I'm sorry father, that would be un-gentlemanly of me to divulge her name.
Priest: Was it Mary-Elizabeth, The bakers Daughter?
Daniel: I'm sorry father, I just can't say.
Priest: Was it Susan, the Pub's owner daughter?
Daniel: Father, please. I don't want to embarrass anyones daughter.
Priest: Surely then, it must be Colleen, the postmasters daughter?
Daniel: Father you can ask and ask. But I refuse to tell.
Priest: Alright then Daniel, and he gives him his pennants.
As Daniel is walking out of church, his friend asked him how it went. "Not too bad" says Daniel. "So, what did the priest give you"? To which Daniel replied, "10 hail Mary's, 10 Our Fathers and 3 really good leads".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erfo37/daniel_an_irish_lad_goes_to_confession/
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A man in a dirty slum heaven

A man wakes up in a dirty slum with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some mouldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armour blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them to the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the waterline. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the mouldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chilli, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well, the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice-cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angel dust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erflek/a_man_in_a_dirty_slum_heaven/
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a house without a fireplace will never be a home

a home is where the hearth is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erfkz2/a_house_without_a_fireplace_will_never_be_a_home/
%
Today the student debt crisis reached $1,696,047,300,123

Honored to be a part of something so huge!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erfg4f/today_the_student_debt_crisis_reached/
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What’s the best part of Audi’s customer service?

The answer within four rings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erfcw4/whats_the_best_part_of_audis_customer_service/
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A thief carefully planned out a robbery of a kitchen in a high end restaurant.

But in the end he decided it wasn’t worth the whisk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erfcnh/a_thief_carefully_planned_out_a_robbery_of_a/
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My patient insisted on stitching their cuts by himself

I said: suture yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erfbiz/my_patient_insisted_on_stitching_their_cuts_by/
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What is the name of Haddaway's Russian cousin?

Vadislav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erf678/what_is_the_name_of_haddaways_russian_cousin/
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The kid next door wants to have gender reassignment surgery but his parents won't let him.

Boys will be boys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erf1h5/the_kid_next_door_wants_to_have_gender/
%
Marriage is grand

Divorce is 20 grand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erezak/marriage_is_grand/
%
Reddit was down this morning

Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erexlw/reddit_was_down_this_morning/
%
If I have an Indian Restaurant, I'll call it Jack of All Trades

Master of Naan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erex6a/if_i_have_an_indian_restaurant_ill_call_it_jack/
%
A blonde goes to an ice cream parlor

A blonde goes into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the man at the counter and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream, please."
"I'm sorry, madam," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out of chocolate."
"Oh," says the blonde. "In that case I'll have some chocolate."
So the man says, "No, no, madam. You don't understand. We have run out of chocolate."
"Oh," replies the blonde. "Then I'll just have chocolate."
The man behind the counter looks at the lady and says, "OK, spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla.' "
So, the blonde spells "V-A-N."
"All right," says the ice cream man, "spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.' "
The blonde says, "OK. S-T-R-A-W."
"Good!" says the man. "Now spell 'fuck,' as in 'chocolate.' "
The blonde looks at the man and says, "But there's no 'fuck' in 'chocolate.' "
The man shouts, "That's what I've been trying to tell you, you dumb bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erex25/a_blonde_goes_to_an_ice_cream_parlor/
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A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.
The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.
The third guy doesn't go anywhere.
6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all the countries in Europe and have become more cultured after visiting all their historic sites.
The second guy says, "I went to Europe and became more cultured, Asia and learned martial arts, Africa and fed starving children and Australia and fought a stingray, and survived. It cost me  $400k but it was well worth it and is only a drop in the bucket to me."
The third guy who didn't go anywhere walks around the woman once, stops in front of her and takes hold of the woman's hands, "I've just traveled around the whole world, because you are my whole world."
Upon hearing this, the woman  became emotional and with tears of happiness running down her face , she says, "That is by far the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. “
After this man spoke such sweet words. She was finally ready to make the obvious choice...
She then choice the second guy, the one with the most money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erevdw/a_woman_is_deciding_between_three_suitors_which/
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What disease do Nationalist people get ?

Pro-state Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ereuay/what_disease_do_nationalist_people_get/
%
Did you know that if you play the first Nickleback album backwards, you get a satanic message?

What's worse is that if you play it forward, you get Nickleback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erel2v/did_you_know_that_if_you_play_the_first/
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Two nuns are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes over and exposes himself

One of the nuns has a stroke but the other couldn’t reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erehxl/two_nuns_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench_when_a/
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My friend's financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.

That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ere3p4/my_friends_financial_advisor_spent_all_of_his/
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I found my dad’s old hidden porn collection when we were cleaning out his attic.

Really vintage stuff. I’m glad I found it though, I had forgotten how blonde my hair used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erdyde/i_found_my_dads_old_hidden_porn_collection_when/
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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
The father was furious. "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK Dad, as you wish." the daughter replied. "I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. And I have an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
The father stopped her, "Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad!"
"Oh! Sweet Jesus!" he replied, "You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your old man a hug!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erdwjr/an_irish_daughter_an_oldie_but_goodie/
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A guy goes to his doctor and asks: "How do I lose weight?"

The doctor replies: "You need to get up early."
"Early in the morning?"
"No, from the dinner table."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erdupn/a_guy_goes_to_his_doctor_and_asks_how_do_i_lose/
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I will not sleep

until I find a cure for insomnia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erdt1p/i_will_not_sleep/
%
It wasn’t much fun having a broken neck,

but now I can look back and laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erdm9o/it_wasnt_much_fun_having_a_broken_neck/
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I’m a big fan of whiteboards.

I find them quite re-markable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erdlu2/im_a_big_fan_of_whiteboards/
%
His name is Rube Goldberg

that name rings a bell, which sets off a trap that undoes a buckle and releases a ball that rolls down a pipe and...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erdfcu/his_name_is_rube_goldberg/
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What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erdc4s/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_and_finding/
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The Exorcist

A couple of years ago, my Mother-In-Law began reading "The Exorcist".
She said it was the most evil book she ever read.
So evil, in fact that she couldn't finish it and threw it into the ocean pier.
I went and bought another copy and ran the tap over it. I then left it in the night table drawer by her bed.
My Father-In-Law said that, the night she found the book was also the first night she screamed and fainted.
I think I'm off to hell, but I'm going to hell laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erdb8n/the_exorcist/
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Why do Chinese people scream when getting arrested?

They don't even have the right to remain silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erd6kp/why_do_chinese_people_scream_when_getting_arrested/
%
Tyrannosaurus: growl

**Thesaurus:** roar, bark, snarl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erczm4/tyrannosaurus_growl/
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“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ercsus/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_same_thing/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ercmjy/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
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An ice cream man has been found dead covered in hundreds and thousands...

The police think he topped himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erckxc/an_ice_cream_man_has_been_found_dead_covered_in/
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A girl I know said she loved me

It was my mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erchr8/a_girl_i_know_said_she_loved_me/
%
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erchex/i_thought_i_saw_an_eye_doctor_on_an_alaskan_island/
%
Went for my annual physical

Doc said I could masturbate all I wanted.
His exact words were
"You could have a stroke at any time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ercch3/went_for_my_annual_physical/
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I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome

It started off badly but In the end I really liked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erc7kf/i_just_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome/
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I was doing well in Physical Education class until we got to the skiing unit.

It was downhill from there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erc771/i_was_doing_well_in_physical_education_class/
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Leonardo da Vinci's father is at "meet the teacher day".

He meets the maths teacher and asks "Hello mifter, how if my fon doing in your claff?"
The maths teacher ignores that slightly odd way of speaking of Leonardo's father and says, "your son is terrific, he's clearly a genius, you've got to see some of the stuff he's done in geometry."
And the dad's really proud and he's like "Oh I know, he'f got all fortf of projectf at home!"
So he goes to the biology teacher who is like "Oh you're the father? Your son is amazing, he has the most incredible understanding of anatomy."
And the dad: "Oh yef, he makef it a habit of diffecting lizardf at home you know."
Then he meets the art teacher who can barely contain himself: "Oh your son is the best student I've ever seen! In fact look here, you see how my hand is in a plaster cast? That's because your son drew a fly on my desk, and it was so realistic that I actually broke my hand trying to hit it!"
And the dad says "tell me about it man, the affhole drew a puffy on the ftove."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erc5x9/leonardo_da_vincis_father_is_at_meet_the_teacher/
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After watching Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erc228/after_watching_bohemian_rhapsody_three_times_in_a/
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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly.

Looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.
What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fly. The bear is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly and I'm gonna go in then get that fish I'm gonna have myself a really nice meal.
What the bear didn't realize was that there was a hunter eating a sandwich watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. The hunter is sitting there, looking at that fly and he's like you know what, that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, that bear gets that fish, I'm put the sandwich down and get my gun and shoot that bear and have myself a really nice meal.
What the hunter didn't realize was that there was a mouse watching the sandwich in the hunters hand watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. The mouse is looking at the fly and is thinking you know what: that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter drops his sandwich and shoots the bear, I'm gonna jump on that sandwich, and I'm gonna have myself a really nice meal.
What the mouse didn't realize was that there was a cat watching the mouse, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. That cat sitting there looking at that fly and it's like you know what: that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter drops his sandwich, he shoots the bear, the mouse gets the sandwich, I'm gonna get that mouse and I'm gonna have a really nice meal.
And then, all of a sudden happened. The fly drops six inches, the fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter threw down his sandwich and shot the bear, the mouse jumped on the sandwich but then it all went wrong…
The cat went to jump on the mouse and missed and landed in the river, got completely soaked. And I think that's something to be said for or something in life. No matter where you are what you are what you're doing. When a fly drops six inches a pussy is gonna get we

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erc09t/theres_a_forest_and_in_this_forest_is_a_river_and/
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Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"
Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!"
*POOF*
She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.
The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?"
Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!"
*POOF*
Away she went!
The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?"
With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?"
The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!"
And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands.
Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erbng3/three_nuns_passed_away_and_went_up_to_heaven_they/
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Solve carefully! 230-220*0.5=

You probably won't believe it but the answer is 5!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erbm5j/solve_carefully_23022005/
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I once opened a gift shop on an ice-burg..

It went into liquidation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erbi40/i_once_opened_a_gift_shop_on_an_iceburg/
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Shocking statistics show that somebody in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds

Poor bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erbcno/shocking_statistics_show_that_somebody_in_london/
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How do you like THEM apples

A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke
The bartender plops an apple in front of him.
"But I wanted a drink"
The bartender says "Just try it."
The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!"
"Turn it around," says the bartender.
The guy bites into the other side of the apple and says "Wow, this tastes just like Coke.  Amazing!"
Another guy sits down, orders a Gin & Tonic.
The bartender plops down an apple in front of him.
"I want a drink, not food"The first guy says "Trust me, just taste it."
He bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Gin"
"Turn it around," says the bartender.
He bites into the other side, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Tonic.  Amazing!"
A third guy sits down.
"What can I get for you?" the bartender asks.
"Hmm, let me think"
The first guy says "Whatever you want, he has an apple that tastes just like it."
The guy says "Oh yeah, do you have one that tastes like pussy?"
The bartender plops down an apple in front of him.
He takes a bits, and spits it out, screaming "This tastes like SHIT"
"Turn it around"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erb5bb/how_do_you_like_them_apples/
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what's so strong and powerful it can withstand the biggest thing in the universe

my zipper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erb2vg/whats_so_strong_and_powerful_it_can_withstand_the/
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What is it called when someone from the art gallery gets set up?

Framed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erb01z/what_is_it_called_when_someone_from_the_art/
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My husband asked me why I speak so softly in the house; I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening.

He laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erawp8/my_husband_asked_me_why_i_speak_so_softly_in_the/
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My ex-wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eranhd/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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I really needed to go early to bed, but I thought I could play just one more game.

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eranaz/i_really_needed_to_go_early_to_bed_but_i_thought/
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A guy with premature ejaculation tried to make a sextape

It turned out to be a GIF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erammi/a_guy_with_premature_ejaculation_tried_to_make_a/
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Dr John was caught having a physical relationship with one of his patients

Dr. Phil his co-worker was left flabbergasted learning about this incident.
Dr Phil- Dr. John how could you!
Dr John- Well i am neither the first one nor the last one having a physical relationship with a patient.
Dr Phil- Sir but we are forensic specialist.
Dr John- Well it's 2020, a doctor is a doctor we don't discriminate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erai1o/dr_john_was_caught_having_a_physical_relationship/
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My parents got called into a conference with my math teacher

I wasn’t submitting homework and I was skipping questions on my tests. It’s no problem though; I’m in the clear. They explained to him that we are atheists so he can’t make me solve exponential functions due to the fact we don’t believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/erahgy/my_parents_got_called_into_a_conference_with_my/
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Why can't a Frenchman eat more than one egg?

One egg is un oeuf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/era19c/why_cant_a_frenchman_eat_more_than_one_egg/
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The best safeword is "Meatloaf"

It means "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er9ts0/the_best_safeword_is_meatloaf/
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Dinner party at neighbor's house.

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited
Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can't
spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can't wait to meat your
friend tonight!
Neighbor: yeah, I'm not sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er9s75/dinner_party_at_neighbors_house/
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A Pyschic midget has escaped from prison, reports say...

There is a small Medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er9rm6/a_pyschic_midget_has_escaped_from_prison_reports/
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A man asked his friend how many legs a black rooster has

The friend says “2.”
Then the man asks “How many eyes does a black rooster have?”
The friend responds “2.” Again
Lastly the man asks “How many whiskers a white cat has?”
The friend says “I don’t know 8?”
The man then says “Well I’m curious on why you know more about a black cock then you do a white pussy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er9lnz/a_man_asked_his_friend_how_many_legs_a_black/
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A man is asked to refill the drinks

So he picks up the jug, and goes off to refill the jug.
He arrives at the Cola. There is a line, so he moves on.
He arrives at the Fanta. There is a line, so he moves on.
He arrives at the Water. There is a line, so he moves on.
He arrives at the Punch. And promptly refills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er9ley/a_man_is_asked_to_refill_the_drinks/
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Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**
The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.
"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give you EACH three wishes"
The men are over the moon and after a moment's deliberation the first man steps forward. He tells the genie he wants to have a billion dollars. The genie snaps his fingers and produces a phone, on which he shows the man his bank account. 1 billion dollars is sitting there. The man is very happy.
The second man pushes the first out of the way and yells to the genie that he wants to be the richest person in the world. The genie snaps his fingers again and shows the second man his bank account. One billion and one dollars. The man is very happy.
The third man, the quiet one, takes longer to decide. Finally, with resolve in his eyes, he steps forward. "Genie, I have decided on my first wish. I wish that my right arm would spin around in a clockwise direction forever and I never get tired and it never stops." The genie, who knows the deep secrets of the world, nods with satisfaction. The man's right arm starts spinning clockwise. The genie bids the men to come back tomorrow for their next wishes. They return to camp and think about how their lives are going to change.
On the second day, the first man rubs the lamp and summons the genie. He stands tall, feeling confident, and asks the genie for his second wish: to be loved by the most beautiful woman in the world. A snap of the genies fingers later the trio see Mila Kunis running down the beach towards them. She leaps into the first man's arms and they fall into the sand and make love.
After a few minutes, the second man steps forward. He tells the genie that he wants the ability to make any woman fall desperately in love with him with a glance. The genie obliges, the man looks over, and Mila Kunis leaps off the first man and onto the second man.
The third man hasn't been watching any of this, instead staring serenely out to sea, his right arm spinning in endless circles. The genie floats over and asks him for his second wish, and after a moment, in a quiet voice, the man says: "Genie, I want my left arm to spin around in a counter-clockwise direction forever and I never get tired and it never stops." The genie nods, snaps his fingers, and the man's left arm starts spinning. Again the genie sends the men back to their camp and asks them to return the next day.
Now, the final day. The first man, glaring angrily at Mila and the other castaway, storms up to the genie and barks his wish. He wants to be immortal. The genie snaps his fingers and tells the man that he will live forever and cannot be hurt ever again. The man is pleased.
The second man untangles himself from Mila and asks to be 25 years old forever. He snaps his fingers and now the second man is also immortal, but younger and fitter. He is happy. Mila is overjoyed.
The third man approaches, both his arms spinning, and in a voice thick with emotion, he makes his third wish." Genie, I want my head to rock back and forth forever and I never get tired and it never stops." The genie sees something wonderful in this man and a single tear rolls down his glowing blue cheek as he snaps his fingers. The man's head starts rocking back and forth as the genie dissolves into the air, finally free of his debt of servitude.
So, as luck would have it, a cruise ship passed by the island the very next day and rescued the men. They returned to the world as superstars, after all two of them were some of the richest people on the planet and both were romantically involved with Mila Kunis. They very much enjoyed their lives for a long, beautiful decade.
Now, 10 years later, they're having a reunion party of sorts. Important people from all over the world are coming to hear their story and celebrate their lives. The three men have never spoken in their 10 years apart but finally, after a long night of socialising, the trio find themselves alone in a back corner.
"So," the second man asks excitedly, "How are those wishes going fellas?"
"Incredible," says the first man, "I can't believe an actual genie granted us wishes. I sleep in a mansion with gold toilets, Mila makes me breakfast every morning, and I don't age. Amazing!"
"I know," replies the second man, "I'm so rich my family won't have to work for at least 5 generations, I look and feel the best I ever have, and every night I sleep with your wife!" The first man grumbles at that but turns to the third man with his spinning arms and rocking head. "And you? How are your wishes going?"
"Guys," says the third man, "....I think I fucked up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er9hch/three_men_crash_land_on_a_desert_island_3_days/
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Daddy, can a woman get pregnant from anal sex?

Of course, honey -- that's where lawyers come from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er9ez7/daddy_can_a_woman_get_pregnant_from_anal_sex/
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This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade .
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess,the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er9c0r/this_guy_brings_his_best_golf_mate_home/
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(Overhead in a Arabic cafe- very nasty) A Tunisian, Algerian and Egyptian are arguing...

About whose the manliest out of all three. They decide to have a competition. They go to the zoo and rob three monkeys. They decide whoever gets the monkey pregnant must be the manliest man there is.
So the Tunisian shags his monkey and gets her pregnant and she gives birth to four little human monkeys.
The Algerian shags his monkey and she gives birth to three.
The Egyptian shags his monkey but only gets one kid from it.
The Tunisian and Algerian begin mocking the Egyptian. The Egyptian turns and goes “ well I don’t know why your laughing, my monkeys a male”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er98h9/overhead_in_a_arabic_cafe_very_nasty_a_tunisian/
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Me [before gastrointestinal surgery]:

Me [after gastrointestinal surgery];

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er93pu/me_before_gastrointestinal_surgery/
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Three men die and go to heaven

three men named Mike, Ricky, and Randy arrive to st Peters pearly gates, they are greeted by Peter: “welcome guys, mike please come in first.”
Mike walks through the gates where then a Ferrari awaits him.
Peter: “Here Mike, my records show me that you have never cheated on your wife, thus you have a Farrari to drive in heaven for eternity. Now Ricky, please enter.”
Ricky walks through the pearly gates where he sees a Toyota there for him.
Peter: “ Hello Ricky, my records show me that you have cheated on your wife 2 times, you are now stuck with this 1998 Toyota as your car for eternity. Now Randy, come in.”
Randy enters and sees a Push bike laying on the ground for him.
Peter: “ Randy, I am disappointed in you, my records show you have cheated on your wife 8 times. You now can only ride your bike around for eternity.
As all men have passed through the pearly gates, Randy and Ricky see Mike sitting in his Ferrari, crying his eyes out. They go up to him and say: “Mikey, what’s up why are you crying, you are sitting in a Ferrari?!”
Mike answers: “g-guys... I just saw my wife roll by on a s-skateboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er92n8/three_men_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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What do you call it when spooning leads to intercourse?

Forking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er8vto/what_do_you_call_it_when_spooning_leads_to/
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A man dies and goes to hell

When he arrives, he meets the devil, standing in front of three doors.
"What are these doors?" The man asks.
The devil tells him "Hell isn't so bad, you get to choose your accommodations. Behind these doors are your three options."
The man then asks to see behind each door, so he can choose his eternal accommodations wisely.
The devil opens the first door. Behind it is a room that is sweltering hot, as hot as the surface of the sun, and inside are a bunch of people standing on their heads.
After seeing this, the man says "Hmm... I never have been a huge fan of hot weather. I get really sweaty. What's behind the next door?"
The devil opens the second door. Behind it is another room, this one freezing cold, as cold as the arctic in winter. Inside, a bunch of people are shivering, standing on their heads.
The man then says "Oh, no this won't work. I get this weird thing with my feet when I'm cold, I don't think I would like this very much. What's behind the last door?
Finally, the devil opens the last door. Behind it are a bunch of people neck deep in shit, drinking coffee.
The man sees this and says "huh, this doesn't seem so bad! I'll take this room!"
He walks in, and just as the devil is about to shut the door, he yells in "Okay everyone, coffee break is over! Back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er8kfs/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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Q: What do a transgender sex worker and an ice cream cone have in common?

A: Topping will cost extra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er8jwg/q_what_do_a_transgender_sex_worker_and_an_ice/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip.

In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake, and says "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of stars, my dear Holmes."
"And what do you infer from these stars?"
"Well, a number of things," he says, lighting his pipe:
Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars and planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I expect that the weather will be fine and clear.
Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and man, his creation, small and insignificant.
What about you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er8gmw/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_are_on_a_camping/
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Norma Findlay, Room 302

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,  "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is  doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,  "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er8df9/norma_findlay_room_302/
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Have you heard of an Indian restaurant named Ghee spot?

It is difficult to find

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er84qv/have_you_heard_of_an_indian_restaurant_named_ghee/
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Word's can't describe how beautiful you are.

But numbers can... 2/10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er83k9/words_cant_describe_how_beautiful_you_are/
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A man buys a horse from an old pastor.

The pastor explains to the man that in order to make the horse go, he must say "Thank God," and to make him stop, he must say "Amen." The man nods in understanding.
He gets on the horse, readies himself, takes a deep breath, and says, "Thank God!"
Immediately, the horse takes off like a jet. The man initially holds on desperately as he tries not to get bucked off by the incredibly fast and agile horse, but eventually he's having the time of his life. At least, until the horse starts heading towards a cliff.
"Uhh...stop!" the man says, to no avail. The horse continues galloping towards the cliff.
"Stop! STOP!" Nothing. The man is ready to accept his fate. Then suddenly he remembers--
"AAAAAAMMEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!"
The horse screeches to a halt, right at the edge of the cliff. The man breathes a great sigh of relief and says, "Oh, thank God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er838t/a_man_buys_a_horse_from_an_old_pastor/
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When I was young I decided to go to medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the letters P N E I S and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
I failed the exam because SPINE is pretty important and useful when erect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er7yka/when_i_was_young_i_decided_to_go_to_medical_school/
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Little Johnny’s parents told him never to look at nude women, or he’d become a statue

Johnny remembered this for all his childhood, and even as a teenager. One day, Johnny and his friend, Will were at the beach. Will then pointed out an attractive voluptuous woman sunbathing in the nude. Will kept staring, but Johnny ran away.
‘Johnny!’ called Will ‘What’s the matter? Didn’t you want to check out that chick?’
‘My parents said if I ever looked at nude women, I’d become a statue’ said Johnny ‘And I felt it happening in my pants already!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er7y93/little_johnnys_parents_told_him_never_to_look_at/
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Girls with no boobs really be having the worst attitudes

Like wtf I thought you already got everything off your chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er7rap/girls_with_no_boobs_really_be_having_the_worst/
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What do you call a virtual assistant that can't spell?

Dislexa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er7lxb/what_do_you_call_a_virtual_assistant_that_cant/
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Genie: What will your first wish be?

Dave: I want to be rich.
Genie: And your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er7hu8/genie_what_will_your_first_wish_be/
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I hate it when people say "Jesus F***ing Christ"...

..."Jesus Masturbating" is shorter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er7gat/i_hate_it_when_people_say_jesus_fing_christ/
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Some shallots were hired to break some scallions out of Alcatraz...

But when the job was done and they were back on the boat, the realized that they had also sprung a leek by mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er7g5a/some_shallots_were_hired_to_break_some_scallions/
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Do you have a banana?

My six year old nephew just cracked this joke after the NFC game, we could not stop laughing. Alcohol might have played a role!
A monkey goes to a bar...
Monkey to bartender: Do you have a banana?
Bartender: No
Monkey: Do you have a banana?
Bartender: No
Monkey: Do you have a banana?
Bartender: No and if you ask again, I will put a nail through your tongue and hang you on the wall.
Monkey: Do you have a nail?
Bartender: No
Monkey: Then, do you have a banana?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er73mb/do_you_have_a_banana/
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What do you call a fight between two ape tribes?

Guerrilla warfare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er70ji/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_two_ape_tribes/
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What do you call a priest that works at a milk factory?

A pastorizer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er6yin/what_do_you_call_a_priest_that_works_at_a_milk/
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Guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.

The robot asks, “What will you have?”  The guy replies, “Whisky.”  The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?    The guy says, “168.”   The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
After the guy leaves the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.             The robot asks, “What’s your drink?”  The guy answers, “Whisky.”   The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”  The man replies,“100.”  The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, Rams, and USC.    The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his “experiment” that he decides to try again.
He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he wants  to drink.   The man replies, “Whisky.”   The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”  The man answers, "35”.   The robot leans in real close and asks, “So . . . How about that Epstein guy killing himself?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er6vnq/guy_goes_into_a_bar_in_california_where_there_is/
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Surprise sex is the best sex.

Unless you are in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er6rh5/surprise_sex_is_the_best_sex/
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er6kwd/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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I was never vaccinated, and the jokes poking fun at anti-vaxxers need to stop

My parents are strongly anti vaccination, and I have never gotten a vaccine, and some of the jokes here are really insensitive to people like me.
Just bec

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er6kk0/i_was_never_vaccinated_and_the_jokes_poking_fun/
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Wanna hear a great cat joke?

Just kitten. I don't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er6enc/wanna_hear_a_great_cat_joke/
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What's the invisible woman favorite font??

________________________________________________________________

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er67ei/whats_the_invisible_woman_favorite_font/
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Call me geometry...

Because when I become difficult, guys cheat on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er66bd/call_me_geometry/
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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post.  It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting.  Thanks Reddit!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er64sa/i_got_drunk_and_to_impress_a_girl_i_swallowed_a/
%
My laziness is like the number 8!

Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er64gy/my_laziness_is_like_the_number_8/
%
At the touch of her lips, it grew hard an swollen...

I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I´d ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er5nrw/at_the_touch_of_her_lips_it_grew_hard_an_swollen/
%
Rooting for the Dallas Cowboys is the most authentic fan experience in sports.

Just like them, you too can watch the playoffs from the comfort of your couch at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er5ly8/rooting_for_the_dallas_cowboys_is_the_most/
%
I knew a guy who took his wife to Italy for their 1st anniversary

And he said to me, "For our 40th I might just bring her back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er5i90/i_knew_a_guy_who_took_his_wife_to_italy_for_their/
%
I just discovered the opposite of an orgasm.

It was such an anti climax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er5a4d/i_just_discovered_the_opposite_of_an_orgasm/
%
Harry and Meghan are leaving the throne

At least 2 people know how to make a proper Brexit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er563p/harry_and_meghan_are_leaving_the_throne/
%
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had

He started counting but he fell asleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er546u/i_asked_my_welsh_friend_how_many_sexual_partners/
%
A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er53d0/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
I hate these people that knock on your door and tell you they are going to save you and that if you don't listen to their word you will burn and die...

... Damn Firefighters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er52q9/i_hate_these_people_that_knock_on_your_door_and/
%
The doctor said my sugar was way too high.

So I took the blunt away from my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er4yrz/the_doctor_said_my_sugar_was_way_too_high/
%
Did you hear the one about the two gay Irishmen?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er4vqg/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_two_gay_irishmen/
%
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.

Once in a Blue Moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er4uga/i_rarely_put_orange_slices_in_my_beer/
%
Smart ass answers

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”  The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
One More  :
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.  She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.
” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
He never heard the shot ....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er4sk0/smart_ass_answers/
%
Guys I just got my first shout-out

It was an Amber Alert about my van.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er4pvj/guys_i_just_got_my_first_shoutout/
%
Trump is the best friend the African-American community ever had.

He will literally do anything for a black mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er4oin/trump_is_the_best_friend_the_africanamerican/
%
Why does Trump want his Whistle Blower to testify?

Clinton’s whistle blower got to testify.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er4n44/why_does_trump_want_his_whistle_blower_to_testify/
%
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex...

But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er4jv4/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
%
How do you stop an argument between deaf mutes?

Turn off the lights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er4is0/how_do_you_stop_an_argument_between_deaf_mutes/
%
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a persons aura changes right before they die.

Cyan-aura.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er4gw7/according_to_ancient_japanese_lore_the_colour_of/
%
What do you call two Jamaican cooks having a battle?

A jerk off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er4b28/what_do_you_call_two_jamaican_cooks_having_a/
%
A cowboy enters a saloon with a living crocodile. He sits down at the bar, puts the crocodile on the bar and asks for a beer.

“Hey!” yells the bartender. “Away with that beast, that thing is dangerous!”
“Don’t be crazy,” said the cowboy, “this animal is as tame as a dog.”
“Get rid of that crocodile now,” said the bartender again, “it’s too dangerous to have a living crocodile sitting around in my bar. If you don’t leave now I’ll get the sheriff and let him arrest you.”
“I assure you, this crocodile is as domesticated as every other pet.” the cowboy continued.
Wanting to prove his point, he gets up, pulls down his pants and puts his willy in the crocodile's mouth. He then gives the beast a strong whack on the head. Nothing happens.
“You see, nothing has happened.”
The cowboy then addresses the people sitting in the saloon who, up to this point, have been following the whole conversation in total shock:
“I told you, it’s safe! Anyone else in the room who wants to try?”
An old woman comes up and says:
“Yes sir, I do! But please... don't hit my head so hard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er45yy/a_cowboy_enters_a_saloon_with_a_living_crocodile/
%
"Bam! Kapow! Smash! Punch!"

**Batman:** those are fighting words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er44sn/bam_kapow_smash_punch/
%
What do pterodactyls do when they're afraid?

They scream in pterror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er43yq/what_do_pterodactyls_do_when_theyre_afraid/
%
The punch line is told first

How do you destroy a joke ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er41wh/the_punch_line_is_told_first/
%
A man with "Manchurian Dick"

A man came home from Thailand after a few weeks there. One of his biggest motivations for going there was the prostitutes, spending his whole vacation screwing, he was very concerned about his penis. It was turning colours and was very painful. He gets it checked by visiting his family doctor. The man explains to his doctor about everything, such as going to Thailand, his trip home, and the current condition of his penis. The doctor tells him to pull his pants down so he can see it. The doctor, utterly shocked, says "Whoah! That's the worst case of Manchurian Dick I've ever seen! You must've had a really good time there!" The man asks the doctor if there's anything he can do about it. The doctor says "Well, I'm sorry you have to hear this but we're gonna have to have that amputated." The man, not wanting to hear that, rejects the procedure and goes home.
On his computer, the man books a trip to China, hoping he can a better opinion from a Chinese doctor. He goes to China, and meets up with one; Dr. Wu. The man steps in his office and he explains his entire story. The doctor asks him to pull down his pants, to which the man did. The Chinese doctor, in total shock, says "Whoah! That's the worst case of Manchurian Dick I've ever seen in my life! I've seen a lot of them but this has to be the worst!" The man tells him that his family doctor told him that his penis needed to be amputated. To which the Chinese doctor replies "Did you see an American doctor?" "Yes," the man replies. "Oh, don't listen to them, all they want is money!" The Chinese doctor says. "So I don't have to have it amputated?" The man asks in pure relief. The Chinese doctor then says "No no! Don't worry! It'll fall off in a week! Save your money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er3zw2/a_man_with_manchurian_dick/
%
Where do sick boats go?

The dock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er3qmn/where_do_sick_boats_go/
%
I bought a Buddhist vacuum cleaner.

It's free of all attachments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er3kcy/i_bought_a_buddhist_vacuum_cleaner/
%
A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer.

The bartender refuses to serve them and asks them to leave.
When the brain asks why, the bartender says, "Well, you're clearly out of your head, and I think you're friend is going to try to start something!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er3jpx/a_brain_and_a_set_of_jumper_cables_walk_into_a/
%
Why did Waldo go to therapy?

To find himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er3hq5/why_did_waldo_go_to_therapy/
%
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?

Llamanated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er3hcv/what_do_you_get_if_you_stand_between_two_llamas/
%
What did the chicken say to the duck as it was about to cross the road?

"Don't do it man, you'll never hear the end of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er3gta/what_did_the_chicken_say_to_the_duck_as_it_was/
%
Cake or Bed

A husband is home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?  It’s been flickering for weeks.”
He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the lights now?  Does it look like I have G.E. written on my forehead?  I don’t think so.”
“Fine,” says the wife and then asks, “Well, could you fix the fridge door?  It won’t close right.”
To which he replies, “Fix the fridge door?  Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?  I don’t think so.”
“Fine,” she says.  “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?  They are about to break.”
“I’m not a damn carpenter, and I don’t want to fix steps,” he answers.  “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead?  I don’t think so.  I’ve had enough of you; I’m going to the bar!”
So, he heads to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.  He starts to feel guilty about the way he treated his wife and decides to go home.  As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed.  He also sees the hall light is working.  As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
“Honey,” he asks, “how’d all this get fixed?”
She replies, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.  Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong.  I told him.  He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.”
The husband says, “So, what kind of cake did you bake?”
She replies, “Hellooooo?  Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?  I don’t think so!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er3c40/cake_or_bed/
%
Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er358k/relationships_are_a_lot_like_algebra/
%
I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er3079/i_went_to_hell_for_burning_a_bible_and_shooting/
%
What do you call a child born from incest?

Gross Domestic Product

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er2zhm/what_do_you_call_a_child_born_from_incest/
%
It's recommended you dress warmly in the Andes Mountains.

That place is Chile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er2uqq/its_recommended_you_dress_warmly_in_the_andes/
%
My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.

He said: "Gil... remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er2hun/my_asshole_twin_brother_just_called_me_from_prison/
%
Words of encouragement for all my paranoid homies out there

*Whispering* you are not alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er2haf/words_of_encouragement_for_all_my_paranoid_homies/
%
A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.

He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight. Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily. The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.
Hours into their long and quiet trip, the man becomes very tired. He stops the donkey and decides that he is going to ride it. Just as he starts to mount the donkey, out of nowhere the donkey says, “STOP! I’M SICK OF BEING YOUR MULE! I HATE YOU! STOP USING ME!”
The man is bewildered, as he has never once before heard an animal speak, and takes off running as fast as he can back down the mountain, with the dog right behind him.
As he gets to the bottom in record time, he stops and catches his breath. He is beyond scared and says
in a scared tone, “Whoa, I have never heard a donkey speak before.”
The dog replies, “Me neither.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er2chk/a_man_prepares_his_donkey_and_dog_for_a_long/
%
I went to the sperm bank today

I have a fetish for any sperm donated by a man called Ben, so I set off to find some.
The only sample I could find that matched my needs cost an extortionate 1 grand.
I guess that's just the price for Benedict's Cum Per Batch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er1pjb/i_went_to_the_sperm_bank_today/
%
What do you call a soldier who lives in a toilet?

A loo tenant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er1owp/what_do_you_call_a_soldier_who_lives_in_a_toilet/
%
A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,
“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated…
A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says…
“How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:…
“Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else…
But his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,…
Calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says,
“Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er1jb1/a_woman_decides_to_take_her_husband_dave_to_a/
%
A man walks into a bar...

...and orders a vodka and coke. The barman serves him. The man drinks it and orders another. This goes on for a while, until the man begins to slow down.
The barman asks: “Is there anything the matter, sir?”
The man sighs and answers: “I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said she won’t speak to me for a month. I have to sleep on the sofa.”
“Best bet is to stop drinking, go home and don’t let this argument carry on passed the first night,” the barman answered. “Nip it in the bud.”
With a tear in his eye, the man answered: “You don’t understand. This is the last night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er1hno/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
6 naked women sounds great

Dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er1hd5/6_naked_women_sounds_great/
%
The FBI found a hacker's base of operations and broke in, but he was no where to be seen.

Agent 1: Where did he go?
Agent 2: I don't know, he ransomware

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er1c6h/the_fbi_found_a_hackers_base_of_operations_and/
%
Someone stole my mood ring.

I’m not sure how I feel about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er0yl8/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
My wife accused me of being immature...

I told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er0ykn/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
%
I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand, I’m okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er0yhh/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
%
What do you call pickled bread?

A dill dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er0y1l/what_do_you_call_pickled_bread/
%
This guy told me to never share my private medical information...then he went and shared my private medical information.

What a HIPAA-crite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er0v4z/this_guy_told_me_to_never_share_my_private/
%
What's Forrest Gump's password?

1Forrest1!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er0qbr/whats_forrest_gumps_password/
%
My girlfriend calls me on the walkie talkie i gave her

"You're too childish, this relationship is over" to which i replied with "this relationship is what? Over"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er0hce/my_girlfriend_calls_me_on_the_walkie_talkie_i/
%
Statistically, you will find a gay person in every team

I really hope it is David. His lips are so cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er0dl1/statistically_you_will_find_a_gay_person_in_every/
%
According to a survey, one in three people cheat on their partners

Now I need to figure out if it is my wife or my girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er080r/according_to_a_survey_one_in_three_people_cheat/
%
I’m not surprised that Jeff Bezos started seeing a woman who was close to his wife.

Classic Amazon: “if you like this, here is something similar that you might like”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er04px/im_not_surprised_that_jeff_bezos_started_seeing_a/
%
Guy goes to the doctor cause he keeps shitting lettuce.

Doctor takes a look and sure enough, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out his asshole.
Doctor is so disgusted, he can't but help tell dude how disgusting it is.
To which the guy replies....
...."Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/er01t2/guy_goes_to_the_doctor_cause_he_keeps_shitting/
%
Since seeing a relationship coach, I'm finally happy in my marriage

She's amazing in bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqzvm6/since_seeing_a_relationship_coach_im_finally/
%
I know my wife cheats on me, when I come home our parrot says: “quick!, out the window!”

Rodney Dangerfield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqzeu8/i_know_my_wife_cheats_on_me_when_i_come_home_our/
%
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.

It's very prophetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqzalv/the_bible_is_one_of_the_bestselling_books_in_the/
%
Blonde gets stopped by the Police for speeding.

Officer: Lady, I have stopped you for speeding, you were going 45 miles per hour in a 30 zone.
Blonde: That is impossible, I have not even been out an hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqz2by/blonde_gets_stopped_by_the_police_for_speeding/
%
Hand Jobs $20 (NSFW)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads
Grilled Cheese - $3
Ham and Cheese $5
Roast Beef - $6
Hand jobs -$20
A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"
"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks.
"Yes I am!." She replies with a wink.
"Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqyqv1/hand_jobs_20_nsfw/
%
Cruise ship magician

A magician worked on a cruise ship.  The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.  There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.  Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"  The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.  It was, after all, the captain's parrot.  Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.  The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.  This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days.  Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqyeh5/cruise_ship_magician/
%
So my doctor told me a glass of wine a day is good for you

Good thing I have 4 doctors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqy985/so_my_doctor_told_me_a_glass_of_wine_a_day_is/
%
Why can't you hear a opossum making love?

Because the o is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqy0u7/why_cant_you_hear_a_opossum_making_love/
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqy0ow/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
A father got called into his sons school.

He enters the principles office, and takes a seat across the desk. The principle says to the dad, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to inform you about your sons actions today in class. Your son was caught blowing bubbles today in class.”
The father kind of sinks down into his seat. But then he realizes; that’s not the worst thing in the world. He figured that he must have started a fight or done something terrible in order for him to get called into his school. “Alright. Bring him in. I want to talk to him”.
The principle leaves the room to fetch the boy. Minutes later, a random boy that the father has never seen before walks in and sits down.
“Who is this? This isn’t my son!” He exclaims.
“No. I’m Bubbles.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqxv77/a_father_got_called_into_his_sons_school/
%
A priest decides to undertake a visual demonstration of his sermon...

He takes 4 worms.  The first worm he puts in a jar filled with alcohol.  The second worm he puts in a jar filled with cigarette smoke. The third worm he puts in a jar of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm he puts in a jar with good clean soil.
After a while he checks the worms.  The first three are dead but the fourth worm is alive and healthy.
“what does this teach us” he asks the congregation.
Someone pipes up”if we drink, smoke and eat sweet stuff then we won’t get worms?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqxu3g/a_priest_decides_to_undertake_a_visual/
%
A guy walks into a bar

Later, he orders a beer, while groaning like he's hurt. A lady next to him notices this, and asks: "Sir, are you okay? You sound like you're in pain..."
He answered: "Yes I am in pain. I just walked face first into a bar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqxj8f/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the builders' favourite country ?

Ucrane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqxikl/whats_the_builders_favourite_country/
%
I mean I didn't want to have sex with that gay guy

But I was too naked to think straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqx80q/i_mean_i_didnt_want_to_have_sex_with_that_gay_guy/
%
What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?

One goes cock-a-doodle-do whilst the other goes any-cockle-do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqwypo/whats_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_a/
%
A boy is praying with his family

and at the end of the prayer he says goodnight mum, goodnight dad, goodnight grandma, goodbye grandpa. His mum asked why he said goodbye and he says it just felt right. The next day grandpa passes away.
A few months later he is praying with his family agains and at the end of the prayer he says goodnight mum, goodnight dad, goodbye grandma. The next day grandma passes away.
A few months later he is praying with his family once more and at the end of the prayer he says goodnight mum, goodbye dad.
This scares the dad and the next day he is terrified. At the end of the day he comes home relieved and mum asks him how his day was
“my day was great” he says
Mum replies “Easy for you to say, the mailman had a heart attack on the doorstep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqwy7b/a_boy_is_praying_with_his_family/
%
I saw a man at the Super Bowl with an empty seat next to him.

I lean over and ask him how there is an empty seat. He told me that he bought the tickets several months ago for him and his wife, but the wife unfortunately passed. I give my condolences, and I ask him why none of his family members took the ticket. He responded that they are all at the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqwxfc/i_saw_a_man_at_the_super_bowl_with_an_empty_seat/
%
Two old men go into a whore house.

The head prostitute tells the new girl to put a couple of blow up dolls in their beds and take out the bulbs of their lamps. "They pretty much blind anyway" she explained.
Later that night, the first old man comes down the stairs looking worried. "I think the woman I'm with is dead?"
"Why?" Asked the new girl.
"She ain't movin or breathin."
Before she can attempt to explain the second old man comes down the sairs with the same worried look on his face. "I think the woman I was with was a witch!"
"Why?" Asked the new girl again.
"Well when I bit her on the boob she farted and flew out the window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqwuzm/two_old_men_go_into_a_whore_house/
%
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs

Very little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqwsfr/ill_tell_you_what_i_know_about_dwarfs/
%
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqwjsz/my_first_time_using_an_elevator_was_an_uplifting/
%
At movie theater

Security: Sir,Show me your bag.
Me:( shows*)
Security: Sir,What is this?
Me: (Panics*) What?
Security: This between the gun and cocaine packet?
Me: Chips packet.
Security: Sorry sir outside eatables are not allowed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqwdbf/at_movie_theater/
%
What happens when you play a country western song backwards?

You get your dog back,you get your wife back,your family comes home,you get your truck back...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqw9b4/what_happens_when_you_play_a_country_western_song/
%
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF File.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqw9am/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_up_his/
%
The Perfect Penis.

A boy becomes curious about a certain body part he sees in the locker room.
He goes home to his dad and asks him about what he saw. His dad says, “Son, follow me.” They walk to the restroom and as the son closes the door, the dad unzips his pants and pulls them down.
“Son, this right here is a perfect penis.” The son watches and his curiosity is satisfied. He can’t wait to show his friends what he has learned.
The next day, as soon as the son arrives to school, he gathers all his friends and tells them, “Guys follow me! I got something to show you!”
They all follow him into the restroom where the son stands in the middle of the group. He unzips his pants and pulls them down.
“Guys, this right here is a penis. And if it was smaller, it would be a perfect penis.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqw948/the_perfect_penis/
%
What do sneezes and kids afraid of numbers have in common?

Ahhhh twoooo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqw6tp/what_do_sneezes_and_kids_afraid_of_numbers_have/
%
I cracked a chemistry joke in class

There was no reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqw4a2/i_cracked_a_chemistry_joke_in_class/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you even breathe through that tiny thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqw2cv/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
%
Just failed to get a job as a mountain goatherd.

It was a pretty high baa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqw1yy/just_failed_to_get_a_job_as_a_mountain_goatherd/
%
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"
The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqw0qd/the_flight_attendant_sees_a_suspicious_looking/
%
Two neighbors are used to fish together

, but John didn't get a single fish while Richard got lots of them. So John was curious about it. Then Richard said: "Well, I have a superstition. You can try also. When your wife is cooking, just stay behind her, hold her tight and touch her boobs. It's what I do just before fishing"
So in the next week, John saw his wife cooking and when he just started the ritual, she said: "Richard, are you going to fish with my dumb husband again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqvzyn/two_neighbors_are_used_to_fish_together/
%
They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer

So I threw Dave off a cliff just in case it was him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqvzec/they_say_one_friend_out_of_every_group_has_the/
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Welfare Office

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE  collecting welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $250,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqvys2/welfare_office/
%
I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqvshr/i_proposed_my_russian_girlfriend_and_she_said_yes/
%
A man, who has done only minor sins dies..

A man, who has done only minor sins dies, therefore god decides that he is worthy of heaven but he must do several tasks to repent.
On the first day he had to wash such plates, he had never seen before.
On the second day he had to put the beds in which all the saints have laid before.
On the third day he was asked to iron clothes, which were touched by the god himself.
Whilst ironing, he thought to himself:" Am i repenting for myself or did i just get married?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqvoyh/a_man_who_has_done_only_minor_sins_dies/
%
Russian doll clickbait

More inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqvnjq/russian_doll_clickbait/
%
I once lost my hands in an accident

The entire incident was horrendous. The mental trauma alone was incredibly difficult to battle through. It took me 8 months of therapy to get moving again. Once I was back home from all the therapy I noticed my computer at home was not working all that well. It was midly infuriating at first but then it got to me. The problem was that, there was definitely something wrong I couldn't figure out what. I just couldn't put my finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqvmzv/i_once_lost_my_hands_in_an_accident/
%
What do you call Miley Cyrus in Europe?

Kilometre Cyrus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqvf1c/what_do_you_call_miley_cyrus_in_europe/
%
Why was Epstein not an all-rounder ?

Because Epstein did not skill himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqvdmw/why_was_epstein_not_an_allrounder/
%
Hey baby are you a winter storm

Because 1 to 3 inches is in your forecast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqvas7/hey_baby_are_you_a_winter_storm/
%
I asked the barman "bring me a double"

He came back with a guy that looks just like me.
(Rodney Dangerfield)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqv9df/i_asked_the_barman_bring_me_a_double/
%
Wow dear, I never thought our son would go so far

I know, that catapult is really something. I’ll go get our daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqv91w/wow_dear_i_never_thought_our_son_would_go_so_far/
%
A man cheated on his girlfriend. Feeling ashamed, he went to confess his affair to her.

When he reached home, he saw her in bed with another man. Feeling shocked, he asks,
"Honey,why?"
She replies,
"I don't have time for our cheat chat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqv8cq/a_man_cheated_on_his_girlfriend_feeling_ashamed/
%
Can a woman make you a millionaire?

Yes! If you are a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqv80k/can_a_woman_make_you_a_millionaire/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks hanging from the ceiling...

A guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you can't reach, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks."
Later that night, when the guy is telling his friend about it, his friend asks, "Why didn't you attempt to do it?" The guy replies, "Well, the steaks were too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqv3r9/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_three_steaks/
%
First kiss is always difficult for guys.

You need to be firm but at the same time you need to be gentle. You need to be manly but you don't wanna wake her up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqv2r9/first_kiss_is_always_difficult_for_guys/
%
I thought I heard my brother jerking off in the room next-door.

I looked into the room and turns out he was just slapping his leg. What can I say, he's a master baiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/equr8f/i_thought_i_heard_my_brother_jerking_off_in_the/
%
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.

He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/equr7a/just_heard_that_harry_is_thinking_of_taking_up/
%
She’s always late.

Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/equqa3/shes_always_late/
%
What kind of organization does an atheist start?

A non-prophet one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/equhqq/what_kind_of_organization_does_an_atheist_start/
%
I made a YouTube video about the violence I endured as a writer on board a U-boat

Just hit subscribe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/equex1/i_made_a_youtube_video_about_the_violence_i/
%
The brain is the most important organ in your body.

-Brain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/equalv/the_brain_is_the_most_important_organ_in_your_body/
%
How many Edisons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, because Edison stole the idea and doesn't deserve his own joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/equ6sl/how_many_edisons_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Epstein: "I'm afraid I don't know how things work here in prison."

Prison guard: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/equ4a8/epstein_im_afraid_i_dont_know_how_things_work/
%
So this redneck is walking in the park when he sees his friend Joe.

Joe is crying his eyes out so the redneck walks up and says why are you crying. And Joe is like, my father died. And the redneck starts weeping bitter tears himself and he is like omg I'm so sorry how did he die.
And so Joe says, my father fell asleep on his armchair while the fire in the hearth was on. A spark fell on the carpet and set everything on fire! And the redneck's like omg I'm so sorry man, what an awful death, to die in a fire!
And Joe is like, oh no my dad didn't die in the fire. The heat woke him up and seeing the fire he was like holy shit! And he leapt right out of the window. Unfortunately his apartment was at the sixth floor... and so the redneck is like omg I'm so sorry that your dad died falling from a sixth story window!
And Joe says no no, he didn't actually die in the fall, because there was this awning from a shop below his apartment, and he bounced on it and was sent right on the highway, where this truck was coming at 90mph. And the redneck is like, omg I'm so sorry that your father was run over by a truck!
And Joe says well the truck didn't actually kill him you see, but it bashed into him so hard that it launched him right back up to the fire! And the redneck is growing sorta annoyed now and he's like well ok, so after all that he died in the fire, I'm so sorry to hear -
But Joe says no! Seeing the flames my dad jumped right out of the window, but unfortunately he happened to be at the sixth floor. And the redneck, so he died in the fall? And Joe is like, no, he bounced on the awning below his apartment, which sent him on the highway just as this truck was coming at 90mph!
And now the redneck is growing pissed so he's like well, so you're telling me he died run over by the truck? And Joe says no! The truck rammed into him so hard that he was thrown BACK up to the fire AGAIN! So the redneck yells, so he died in the fire? And Joe, no, he leapt out of the window, except unfortunately he was at the sixth floor you know.
The redneck screams, so he died from the fall?? And Joe: no no, he bounced on the awning on the shop below him, which threw him right on the highway, where this truck was coming at 90mph! So he died from the tr- no, the truck only launched him back up to the fire!
So the redneck has completely lost it by now and he screams, listen to me goddamitt, how the fuck did your father actually die??!! And Joe is like, well eventually I had to shoot the motherfucker down, I couldn't get him to stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/equ3ks/so_this_redneck_is_walking_in_the_park_when_he/
%
Murphy and Patrick were fishing in the sea

Murphy and Patrick were fishing out at sea when their boat died. They spent two days floating at sea and trying to fix the engine. On the third day Murphy saw a bottle in the water and grabbed it. When he uncorked the bottle a genie came out and told him that he getd one wish. Murphy thought to himself a minute. "I wish the whole sea would turn to Guinness," he said and the genie snapped his fingers and made it so. Patrick was furious and hit Murphy so hard he almost went overboard, "Why in the bleedin' hell would you do that? Now we have to piss in the boat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqtz15/murphy_and_patrick_were_fishing_in_the_sea/
%
How do you wake up Lady GaGa?

You poker face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqtxg0/how_do_you_wake_up_lady_gaga/
%
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom

On the floor was a note saying, “I can’t go on, I’m hopeless.”
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open, and I said, “Hi Hopeless, I’m dad.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqtpk5/i_found_my_son_hanging_from_a_rope_in_his_bedroom/
%
A black guy comes up to me in the library and says, "Excuse me, do you know if there's a colored printer in here"

I said to him "It's 2020 bro, use whatever printer you like"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqtozx/a_black_guy_comes_up_to_me_in_the_library_and/
%
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?

Alien vs. predator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqtjgj/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_an_immigrant_an/
%
So I was reading the Wikipedia article about Occam’s Razor...

...and the entire concept went completely over my head. I read the article over and over trying to get my head around it but I was totally lost. It got to the point that I started thinking that someone had made the article confusing as a joke. Maybe Occam’s Razor isn’t even a real thing? Maybe its just an in-joke among philosophers that they use to confuse laymen? But then I realised it was much more likely that I’m just a bit stupid. I mean, that first idea is full of assumptions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqtevj/so_i_was_reading_the_wikipedia_article_about/
%
Who says you can't lose weight by hitting the gym?

Last week I brought an annual membership. I lost 7 pounds ever since because I ran out of money to buy food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqtdu7/who_says_you_cant_lose_weight_by_hitting_the_gym/
%
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqtcmv/condoms_dont_guarantee_safe_sex/
%
Did you hear about the serial killer who beat his victims to death with clocks?

He just wanted to kill some time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqtbnt/did_you_hear_about_the_serial_killer_who_beat_his/
%
Did Joker steal that joke from /r/jokes?

'No one's laughing now'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqt1b9/did_joker_steal_that_joke_from_rjokes/
%
The latest studies show the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position

The husband sits up and begs...
And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqsyr2/the_latest_studies_show_the_most_often_used/
%
It's so hard to remove Trump from the White House.

Because it's difficult to remove a mental health patient from government housing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqswyr/its_so_hard_to_remove_trump_from_the_white_house/
%
Thanks for teaching me the meaning of Plethora

It means a Lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqsszi/thanks_for_teaching_me_the_meaning_of_plethora/
%
As I get older, I remember all the people I've lost along the way.

Then I think to myself being a tour guide is a profession I shouldn't have chosen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqsntk/as_i_get_older_i_remember_all_the_people_ive_lost/
%
To everyone who believes in telekinesis...

Raise my hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqsm6e/to_everyone_who_believes_in_telekinesis/
%
Saw an ad for 50% off laser hair removal

Why stop at half? Might as well get the whole thing done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqsm1u/saw_an_ad_for_50_off_laser_hair_removal/
%
In America, dogs are K9...

In China, dogs are E10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqsl2e/in_america_dogs_are_k9/
%
What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqsj0j/whats_it_called_when_a_king_and_queen_have_no/
%
What's the best part of being deaf?

If someone is talking too much, I just close my eyes, sit back, and relax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqsfzm/whats_the_best_part_of_being_deaf/
%
What did Layne Staley say when the restaurant wouldn't let him take his food to go?

"I'm demanding a box."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqsf3m/what_did_layne_staley_say_when_the_restaurant/
%
v

V

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqscuv/v/
%
Did you hear that pirates discovered sex?

They had the first mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqs9tl/did_you_hear_that_pirates_discovered_sex/
%
A man walks into a supermarket and goes to the produce section...

He asks the man working the counter for three pounds of potatoes. The worker says, "Mate, we use kilos nowadays."
The man shrugs and says, "Fine, three pounds of kilos, then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqs2cs/a_man_walks_into_a_supermarket_and_goes_to_the/
%
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqrtkl/my_ex_girlfriend_was_obsessed_with_trying_to_find/
%
A Roman walks into a bar, hold up his hand making a peace sign

"Five beers please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqrs8e/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_hold_up_his_hand_making/
%
I looked deep into her eyes

And my legs grew weak at the knees, my heart fluttered, and the butterflies started in my stomach.
I knew, in that moment, I'd roofied the wrong glass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqrqmb/i_looked_deep_into_her_eyes/
%
What do they call Tom Hanks when he's too scared to move?

A petrified Forrest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqrf8o/what_do_they_call_tom_hanks_when_hes_too_scared/
%
What's a Rabbi's favourite candy?

Jew-jubes.
Sorry if that's a repost, I haven't seen it and I think I just thought of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqr546/whats_a_rabbis_favourite_candy/
%
I like my women like I like my baristas.

Jenna please come back I don't know how to make coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqr19s/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_baristas/
%
A bent nail, a battery, and jumper cables walk in to a bar.

The bent nail goes up to the bar and orders a round of shots for him and his buddies.
"I can't serve you."  Says the bartender.
"Why not?" Asked the nail with frustration in his voice.
The bartender responds: "Because you look hammered and your friends look like they are trying to start something."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqqccv/a_bent_nail_a_battery_and_jumper_cables_walk_in/
%
Me: "Doctor, doctor, I feel like a deck of cards!"

Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqqbdt/me_doctor_doctor_i_feel_like_a_deck_of_cards/
%
What do you get when you have sexual relations with a fruit-flavored soft drink?

Cool aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqqa64/what_do_you_get_when_you_have_sexual_relations/
%
Why is it called “the circle of life?”

You can find happiness in every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqq8id/why_is_it_called_the_circle_of_life/
%
Did you hear about the guy who died from eating spaghetti?

He pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqq7m9/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_died_from_eating/
%
What did one condom say to the other condom when they walked past a gay bar?

Let's go inside and get shit faced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqq501/what_did_one_condom_say_to_the_other_condom_when/
%
I haven't prepared for my presentation tomorrow on "how to properly remove a wedgie"...

I'm just going to pull it out of my arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqq4ub/i_havent_prepared_for_my_presentation_tomorrow_on/
%
Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him?

Because he never finished his sentences...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqq4ib/why_did_jeffrey_epsteins_english_teacher_fail_him/
%
Can we all please stop pretending Nazi jokes are funny?

They are Hitlerious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqq40a/can_we_all_please_stop_pretending_nazi_jokes_are/
%
My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico”

Me: “Hey babe what do you wanna eat?”
Her: “Nothing”
Me: *flies to Africa*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqq33c/my_friend_my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_to_eat/
%
My best friend got a gf recently.

When he first told me, he mentioned that she had nice “assets”, and gave me a knowing look. Then he showed me her Tinder profile.
She’s a stockbroker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqq0xo/my_best_friend_got_a_gf_recently/
%
My Girlfriend kicked me out of the house

As I was leaving she yelled out
"I HOPE THAT YOU HAVE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH!"
Which I replied with "ohhh now you want me to stay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqpu9l/my_girlfriend_kicked_me_out_of_the_house/
%
An elderly couple were going to bed...

The old woman, wanting to spice up their love life, tied her robe around like a cape and came out of the bathroom yelling "Super Pussy!!!".
The old man says, "I'll have the soup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqpto1/an_elderly_couple_were_going_to_bed/
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Little Johnny was playing with his favorite car out front of his house when he accidentally lost it down the drain.

Johnny starts swearing his head off when the local priest walks past.
"Johnny, you shouldn't swear like that. God's everywhere"
"Bullshit, he can't be everywhere at once" says Johnny.
"But he is. He's around us as we speak" replies the priest.
"OK" says Johnny, "Is he at the top of the hill?"
"Yes my child."
"Is he in that tree over there?"
"Yes my child."
"Is he on my dad's garage?"
"Of course he is Johnny, God's everywhere"
"Well you're a fucking liar cause my dad doesn't have a garage!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqpp63/little_johnny_was_playing_with_his_favorite_car/
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Women always call me ugly until they find out how much I make...

... Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqpoz5/women_always_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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How tall is the average diabetic person?

About as tall as the average person, minus two feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqpofq/how_tall_is_the_average_diabetic_person/
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A man joins the navy...

As he’s being shown around, the commanding officer tells him that from now on he’ll work in laundry. Thirty minutes later the commanding officer came back and took the recruit to the boiler room, telling him he’ll work there. After another thirty minutes the officer comes back and tells the recruit that he’s been reassigned to    clean the rooms. The commanding officer comes back for a third time thirty minutes later and orders the man to work in the kitchen. While there the recruit sees the corporeal and asks him why he keeps getting reassigned.
“Yeah, this sub is full of reposts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqpic4/a_man_joins_the_navy/
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What do you call an incel in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqpi3o/what_do_you_call_an_incel_in_a_wheelchair/
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Bad taste

Girlfriend told me she wanted something long, hard and full of cum for her birthday. So I gave her one of my old socks from under the bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqp8gj/bad_taste/
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What happened to the guy who overdosed on viagra?

He had a open casket funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqp2da/what_happened_to_the_guy_who_overdosed_on_viagra/
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My buddy just overdosed on viagra

He said it was the hardest day of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqowvk/my_buddy_just_overdosed_on_viagra/
%
My new invention

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches...
Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqorts/my_new_invention/
%
A group of vegan activists told me that people who sell meat are gross

I told them people who sell fruit & veg are grocer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqoluq/a_group_of_vegan_activists_told_me_that_people/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqoj89/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.

I have a Czech one, too.
One too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqoc67/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_is_a_sound_engineer/
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The old old folks home.

A man and woman are in a nursing home and they start into a bottle of whiskey that the man has. He eventually talks her into taking her top off. Further down in the bottle of whiskey he is trying to talk her into taking her pants off. "Oh, i don't know. I have acute angina. " "Well I hope so! Those are the ugliest tits I've ever seen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqo5ic/the_old_old_folks_home/
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My neighbor speaks to her cat as if it could understand her.

I told my dog and we both had a laugh over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqo25f/my_neighbor_speaks_to_her_cat_as_if_it_could/
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What happens when you attach stew to a blimp?

Soup rise!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqo0q8/what_happens_when_you_attach_stew_to_a_blimp/
%
A yak walks into a bar and orders a beer.

He asks the bartender, "Do you have any gluten free snacks to go with the beer?"
"Why do you think we would have gluten free snacks?", quips the bartender.
"I'm sorry, I'm a silly yak", says the yak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqnvwg/a_yak_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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A young monk joins a monastery

After 2 weeks or so, he starts craving for a fap session and confesses about it to the head monk, thinking he would help him through a rough patch.
The head monk looks left and right and says carefully: "follow me"
He then proceeds to take him to the library, pulls a few books and a secret entrance appears behind the bookshelf. After going through a series of catacombs beneath the monastery and what felt like 2 hours of walking, they entered a room with a barrel inside.
The head monk pointed at the hole that was at the center of the barrel and whispered softly: "You can stick it in this hole every time you get these craving young one. Except Thursdays."
-"Why not on Thursdays?"
-"Well by schedule you are in the barrel on Thursdays"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqnr5k/a_young_monk_joins_a_monastery/
%
The most beautiful piece of music ever written is a fart..

Air On A G String

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqni56/the_most_beautiful_piece_of_music_ever_written_is/
%
What did the 3 tampons say to each other at the bus stop?

Nothing, they’re stuck up cunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqnef4/what_did_the_3_tampons_say_to_each_other_at_the/
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I think trump will win in 2020...

But I'm not Russian to any conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqna6r/i_think_trump_will_win_in_2020/
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I attended Amy Schumer's party, but there was no talk about her.

Apparently, nobody wanted to mention the elephant in the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqn3ts/i_attended_amy_schumers_party_but_there_was_no/
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Elephant school paper

A boy was given a homework assignment over the weekend to write a paper about an animal of their choice.   The boys parents decided to take him to the zoo, so that he could write his paper, and he decided to do the paper on elephants.
So they are sitting there watching the elephants, and the boys father says he's going to go get them some popcorn and drinks.  So the boy is sitting there with his mother, and asks, "Mom, what's that hanging down from the elephant?", Mom says, "The Trunk?"..  "No, no behind the trunk!", "The tail?", "No behind the trunk, but in front of the tail!"  Mom says, "Oh, that's nothing".
So Dad comes back and they are drinking their refreshments and eating their popcorn, when mom has to go use the restroom.  So the boy is sitting there with his Dad, and he says, "Dad, what's that hanging down from the elephant?"   "The trunk?"   "No behind the trunk!"  "The tail?'  "No, no, behind the trunk, but in front of the tail, Mommy said that it was nothing!"
Dad looks at his son and says, "Son, I spoiled that woman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqmywc/elephant_school_paper/
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Friends: Why are you always sick after pay day?

Me: I'm allergic to peanuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqmw9p/friends_why_are_you_always_sick_after_pay_day/
%
My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body

I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqmttm/my_daughter_has_started_asking_me_questions_about/
%
A woman treated her dry hair

with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave a smell, she washed her hair with shampoo several times. That night, in bed, she asked her husband, "Do I smell like Olive Oil?" He sniffed a little and replied "Why? Do I smell like Popeye?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqmp07/a_woman_treated_her_dry_hair/
%
Dark ass jokes are like unvaccinated children

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqmnks/dark_ass_jokes_are_like_unvaccinated_children/
%
After a long, restful night of sleep I always turn to my wife in the morning and say “Hello, Jerry”.

Because I feel like a New man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqmmq6/after_a_long_restful_night_of_sleep_i_always_turn/
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A small group of nuns died in a car crash.

They were at the gates of Heaven when an angel said, you may pass, but first answer this question: Have you ever touched a penis. He told them to line up and the first nun said, “There was one time... with my pinky...” The angel said to dip her pinky in holy water then she was able to cross to heaven. The next woman once she touched one with her hand so she was told to wash her hands in the holy water, then went to heaven. One of the nuns was trying to get to the front of the line, and the angel asked, “What’s the rush?” She replied, “I don’t want to wash my mouth in that water after Jessica puts her pussy in it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqmlyz/a_small_group_of_nuns_died_in_a_car_crash/
%
No matter how much you ask, I can't give you a guy in green shorts and a floppy hat

This sub doesn't allow for posting Links.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqml3p/no_matter_how_much_you_ask_i_cant_give_you_a_guy/
%
Heisenberg gets pulled over by a cop on his way to work. The officer approaches his window and says "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know where I am"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqmhcd/heisenberg_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop_on_his_way/
%
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe...

...watching people going in and out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Some time passes. After a while they see three people leaving the house.
The physicist says: "The measurement was inaccurate."
The biologist says: "The people have reproduced."
The mathematician says: "If now exactly one person enters the house, then it will be empty again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqmg5i/a_mathematician_a_biologist_and_a_physicist_are/
%
Always drive in your dressing gown and slippers.

If you cause a car crash, you can pose as a witness from a nearby house!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqm50n/always_drive_in_your_dressing_gown_and_slippers/
%
What’s the cleanest animal in the world?

The Spotless Hygiena

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqm2fi/whats_the_cleanest_animal_in_the_world/
%
Religious Freedom was really strong in Soviet Union…

Proof: They did Ramadan all year long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqm177/religious_freedom_was_really_strong_in_soviet/
%
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqluli/i_found_my_son_hanging_from_a_rope_in_his_bedroom/
%
Oxygen and magnesium went on a date

and I was like OMg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqlpdw/oxygen_and_magnesium_went_on_a_date/
%
The Obituaries section of my local newspaper is quite concerning-

\-everyone seems to be dying in alphabetical order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqlo0z/the_obituaries_section_of_my_local_newspaper_is/
%
Wife was cleaning 12 year old sons bedroom...

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"
Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqlng9/wife_was_cleaning_12_year_old_sons_bedroom/
%
What's the difference between having a vasectomy and being naturally sterile?

There's not a vas deferens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqlkyb/whats_the_difference_between_having_a_vasectomy/
%
I told him I wanted to walk down the Aisle.

He sent me to the super market to get a case of beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqlj5o/i_told_him_i_wanted_to_walk_down_the_aisle/
%
I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer

I don’t know what he laced them with but i have been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqlgz7/i_recently_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqlfbn/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop_and_the_barber/
%
Why can’t a priest win a marathon?

Because he always comes in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqle8p/why_cant_a_priest_win_a_marathon/
%
A Girl asked me, are you a breast or legs Man,?

I replied, I'm more into shaved pussy and anal.
Now I am banned from KFC...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqlcre/a_girl_asked_me_are_you_a_breast_or_legs_man/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

\*gag\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqkr8d/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
What can you say in the kitchen and in the bedroom?

I prefer your mothers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqko0g/what_can_you_say_in_the_kitchen_and_in_the_bedroom/
%
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqkn4o/my_first_time_using_an_elevator_was_an_uplifting/
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Why did sublime suck at playing their most famous song?

Because they didn’t practice Santeria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqkjmv/why_did_sublime_suck_at_playing_their_most_famous/
%
What do you call a bee that's had sex with everyone in the hive

A whorenet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqk6vo/what_do_you_call_a_bee_thats_had_sex_with/
%
I recently heard that people in Dubai don’t like the flintstones

But Abu Dhabi Do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqk5xn/i_recently_heard_that_people_in_dubai_dont_like/
%
What would Abraham Lincoln do if he were alive today?

He'd probably scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqk2w4/what_would_abraham_lincoln_do_if_he_were_alive/
%
carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when

..after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!"
And Carl says "I shit. You knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqk2i3/carl_is_in_the_10th_year_of_a_life_sentence_when/
%
Sex Therapy for the Elderly !

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”
The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.  When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.”  He thanks them for coming and he wishes them good luck.  He charges them $50 and says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the therapist to watch again.  The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.  This happens several weeks in a row.  The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask.  Just what are you trying to find out?”
The man says, “We’re not trying to find out anything.  She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.  I’m married; and we can’t go to my house.  The Holiday Inn charges $98.  The Hilton charges $139.  We come here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving me a net cost of $7.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqjyzy/sex_therapy_for_the_elderly/
%
Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital.
No I’m kidding they get shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqjvbz/where_do_horses_go_when_they_get_sick/
%
I would like to thank person who taught me the meaning of the word "plethora"....

It really means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqjpou/i_would_like_to_thank_person_who_taught_me_the/
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Hobbit: “What aviation school should we attend?”

Gandalf: “Fly U, fools.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqjp0h/hobbit_what_aviation_school_should_we_attend/
%
My girlfriend turned to me in bed and threw this curveball at me.

She asked, "Would you ever consider adoption?"
I said, "Only if you got pregnant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqjmv7/my_girlfriend_turned_to_me_in_bed_and_threw_this/
%
My friends believe that a full moon gives supernatural powers

but I think they're just lunartics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqji7m/my_friends_believe_that_a_full_moon_gives/
%
A man walks into the particle store

to buy particles to make atoms. He browses, finds what he needs and pays for it.
However, when looking on his receipt afterwards, he sees that the clerk forgot to ring up an item. He says "Sir, you forgot the neutrons". The clerk looks up at him and says: "No worries, they're free of charge".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqjfnc/a_man_walks_into_the_particle_store/
%
I have the hardest time making it to funerals...

I've just never been a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqioli/i_have_the_hardest_time_making_it_to_funerals/
%
The coolest thing about my new Porsche is that it lets me know when the rear wing is raised.

Spoiler alert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqinue/the_coolest_thing_about_my_new_porsche_is_that_it/
%
I asked my wife if a second woman could come in our bed

She said, "maybe you should start with one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqimq5/i_asked_my_wife_if_a_second_woman_could_come_in/
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Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqilz1/programmer_honey_youre_my_number_one/
%
A man is watching his neighbor as he is dragging a Christmas tree across his driveway into his house.

He tells his neighbor, "Wow, that's such a big tree! Are you going to put it up yourself?"
The neighbor replies, "No, I'm going to put it up in my living room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqil9j/a_man_is_watching_his_neighbor_as_he_is_dragging/
%
What can you use to light fireworks?

Well, fire works

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqiejf/what_can_you_use_to_light_fireworks/
%
Which part of a man's anatomy is the most sensitive during masturbation?

His ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqi8pe/which_part_of_a_mans_anatomy_is_the_most/
%
Two guys were born on the same day

...so they made a tradition to eat dinner together every year on their birthday. When they turned 21 one of them said, "Why don't we go to the Sunset Grill? It has strong drinks and a beautiful view of the ocean." The other agreed and they had dinner.
When they turned 30, one said, "let's go to the Sunset Grill. They have thick steaks and a beautiful view of the ocean." The other agreed and they had dinner.
When they turned 60, the one said, "let's go to the Sunset Grill. They have a low sodium menu and a beautiful view of the ocean." The other agreed and they had dinner.
When they turned 80, one said, "let's go to the Sunset Grill. They have handicap parking and a beautiful view of the ocean." They agreed and had dinner.
When they turned 90, one of the men said "why don't we go to the Sunset Grill? We've never been there before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqi8fg/two_guys_were_born_on_the_same_day/
%
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqi73o/my_wife_always_prefers_the_stairs_whereas_i/
%
Which body part dies last?

The eyes, because they dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqi6by/which_body_part_dies_last/
%
A Biker was riding his Harley along the beach when suddenly the sky opened above his head

and, in a booming voice, GOD said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'  The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'   GOD replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'  The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."  GOD replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqi2rh/a_biker_was_riding_his_harley_along_the_beach/
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What kind of food does a toddler prepare with a sharp knife in the kitchen?

Finger food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqi1hq/what_kind_of_food_does_a_toddler_prepare_with_a/
%
Sex is like sports.

I don't do it myself, but I love watching other people do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqhwey/sex_is_like_sports/
%
My son asked me where poo comes from. I thought it was a strange and gross question, so I answered in the most detailed and not so pleasent way I could muster. He had a shocked look on his face, he almost threw up. After regaining his composure, he said...

And Tigger too?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqhole/my_son_asked_me_where_poo_comes_from_i_thought_it/
%
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

Waitress: \[slaps me a good one across the face\] ...“The men I please are none of your damn business!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqhi9d/waitress_can_i_ask_you_something_about_the_menu/
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Once there was a small town

Within this town there was a man named Epydidumus Roderigo the Third, but for simplicity, everyone called him Ep. If there was one thing Ep was known for it was his antique fork, that was passed down through his family for generations and was so old and weathered that only one tine remained on the fork. The local preacher in the town, who had been nicknamed Hymn, had a chicken named Elf.
One morning, Elf was found killed with Ep’s antique fork stabbed into it’s chest. In a rage, Hymn called the local detective to arrest Ep. The detective showed up on scene, analyzed the evidence and declared “Ep has been framed.”
“How can you tell??” Sputtered Hymn. The detective was appalled.
“You don’t know? At this point I thought it was common knowledge that Ep’s tine didn’t kill Hymn’s Elf.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqhfp5/once_there_was_a_small_town/
%
Why did the fungus die off?

It didn't have mushroom to spread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqhf8o/why_did_the_fungus_die_off/
%
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door

A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy
“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked
“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said
The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says
“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”
“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment then said
“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqhclh/a_farmer_drove_over_to_his_neighbors_house_and/
%
I just got kicked out of a gender reveal party

I didn’t realize it wasn’t full participation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqh91c/i_just_got_kicked_out_of_a_gender_reveal_party/
%
This is my step-ladder.

I never really knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqh5zu/this_is_my_stepladder/
%
What's got 200 balls and fucks rabbits?

A shotgun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqgjki/whats_got_200_balls_and_fucks_rabbits/
%
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.

" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. "
(Leviticus 20: 13)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqgifl/by_legalizing_cannabis_and_same_sex_marriage_we/
%
"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Wow, thanks, grandpa"
"Why are you calling me grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqgh8k/son_i_found_a_condom_in_your_room/
%
A billionaire asks his wife what she wanted to eat

Billionaire: Hey honey, what would you like for lunch?
Wife: I feel like having pasta
\*Flies to Italy\*
Later that day..
Billionaire: Hey honey, what would you like for dinner?
Wife: Nothing, i'm on a diet
\*Flies to Africa\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqgf6a/a_billionaire_asks_his_wife_what_she_wanted_to_eat/
%
Why did the hipster fall into the lake?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqgf4u/why_did_the_hipster_fall_into_the_lake/
%
Some people can't even fit kitchen appliances through their front door.

Just let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqg51y/some_people_cant_even_fit_kitchen_appliances/
%
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqg40y/ive_been_charged_with_murder_for_killing_a_man/
%
Two young boys think it's about time to start swearing.

All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together.
The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for breakfast?" Her son replies "I'll take some fruit loops bitch."  The mother immediately smacks the kid upside the head and sends him back to his room.
She turns to the boys friend and says "I'm so sorry you had to see that, what would you like for breakfast?" The boy looks a little scared a replies "I don't know, but definitely not fucking fruit loops."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqg0ea/two_young_boys_think_its_about_time_to_start/
%
It’s been 2 weeks and 6 months since I joined the gym and still no progress

I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqfytv/its_been_2_weeks_and_6_months_since_i_joined_the/
%
How can you tell if a car is Jamaican

By the reaggestration plates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqfszl/how_can_you_tell_if_a_car_is_jamaican/
%
I used to be addicted to soap

But now I am clean..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqfsfm/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqfpgq/donald_trump_is_president_i_think_if_george/
%
My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying : its not working .

But the TV works fine !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqfot2/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_tv_saying_its/
%
I named my dog insane.

So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqfcmq/i_named_my_dog_insane/
%
A man wants to park his car. But there are no spots.

So he gets out of his car and goes down to his knees and he prays: ‘o lord, if you find me a spot I will go to church every Sunday and I will never drink beer again.’
The moment he gets up he sees a spot and screams: ‘nevermind I already found one.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqf0al/a_man_wants_to_park_his_car_but_there_are_no_spots/
%
Me and my wife have one thing in common.

Neither of us suck dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqf05m/me_and_my_wife_have_one_thing_in_common/
%
I beat up a kid who made fun of my Alzheimer's

As i walked away, I realised that I forgot to beat up the kid who made fun of my Alzheimer's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqevrg/i_beat_up_a_kid_who_made_fun_of_my_alzheimers/
%
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end

You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqetyz/did_you_know_if_you_took_all_the_human_blood/
%
“Son, you’re adopted”

“Wait, so where are my real parents?”
“We’re your real parents. Your /new/ parents are on their way”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqes88/son_youre_adopted/
%
I don’t understand how opening a door for a lady is polite.

I did, and the girl just flew out of her car and onto the highway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqeoz4/i_dont_understand_how_opening_a_door_for_a_lady/
%
Communist joke isn't funny

Until everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqek73/communist_joke_isnt_funny/
%
How do you make a hormone?

Refuse to pay her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqeiox/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
What's the difference between a toddler and cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let cocaine fall out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqebz1/whats_the_difference_between_a_toddler_and_cocaine/
%
People in China eat all kinds of crazy foods

But for some reason they only take halal organ donors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqe4yx/people_in_china_eat_all_kinds_of_crazy_foods/
%
Martinis are like breasts...

One is not enough, and three is too many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqdmad/martinis_are_like_breasts/
%
Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqdk1y/barack_obama_goes_to_a_costume_party_while_giving/
%
There are three dimensions to credit cards

... length, width, and debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqdjeg/there_are_three_dimensions_to_credit_cards/
%
Two cannibals were eating a dead Amy Schumer

"Does this taste funny to you?", the first one asked,
the other one replied "No!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqd96n/two_cannibals_were_eating_a_dead_amy_schumer/
%
What do you call a penis and a potato on a boat?

A dick-tatership

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqd872/what_do_you_call_a_penis_and_a_potato_on_a_boat/
%
A holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven

And tells god a holocaust joke. god says "That's not funny." and the survivor says "well I guess you had to be there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqcz7n/a_holocaust_survivor_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
Another blonde joke

A famous ventriloquist is doing a comedy show with his puppet, where he and the puppet chat and the puppet tells the jokes. At one point in the show, the puppet tells a whole string of the usual blonde jokes, which has the audience roaring with laughter.
But one woman isn't having it. She stands up and speaks with a loud voice: 'Those jokes aren't funny! It's all about how blondes are so stupid, ditzy and dumb. I'm blonde and this really insults me!'
The ventriloquist replies 'I'm sorry miss, I didn't know the jokes would offend you so'...
He is cut off: 'I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU! I was talking to that little dude on your lap!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqcyfv/another_blonde_joke/
%
What's a pirates least favorite letter?

Dear AT&T Customer...
We are sending you this letter to notify you that your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
We will be contacting you again soon, thanks for your cooperation.
-AT&T

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqcvg6/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
You know what's been eating me lately?

Cannibals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqcret/you_know_whats_been_eating_me_lately/
%
A dick has a sad life

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner always beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqchno/a_dick_has_a_sad_life/
%
Helium walks into a bar.

The bar tender says “We don’t serve noble gases in here.”
Helium doesn’t react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqcd0j/helium_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I am 100% behind Christianity and Biblical study being a part of the American education system

This way, we will have a steady production of atheists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqc9w9/i_am_100_behind_christianity_and_biblical_study/
%
My wife wants a vacuum.

I think I'll give her some space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqbzkt/my_wife_wants_a_vacuum/
%
Do both well and actually mean a source of water?

Well yes, but actually no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqbqot/do_both_well_and_actually_mean_a_source_of_water/
%
A cop stopped a car and said, “Congrats you just won $1000 for wearing your seatbelt!”

He replies,”Do u think I’m good enough to get a license?” Then a woman in the passenger seat said,”Don’t listen to him, he becomes a smartass when he’s drunk.” Someone else in the backseat says,”I knew we wouldn’t get too far with a stolen car.” Finally a knock comes from the trunk and someone says,”Are we past the border yet?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqbcmw/a_cop_stopped_a_car_and_said_congrats_you_just/
%
HOT older men in YOUR area...

...want to know if YOU have been playing with the thermostat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqbck0/hot_older_men_in_your_area/
%
Me and a homeschooler got into an argument about the education system.

He went on a rant about how education in America is broken and asked me, "who's running the education system?"
"Your mom," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqazv3/me_and_a_homeschooler_got_into_an_argument_about/
%
Never forget that you are someone’s reason to smile

Because you’re a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqaxhp/never_forget_that_you_are_someones_reason_to_smile/
%
Where do ice-cream makers go to learn their trade?

Sundae school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqaqs5/where_do_icecream_makers_go_to_learn_their_trade/
%
You’re my number 1

My date: “You’re my number 1.”
Me: (a programmer) Are you zero indexed or one indexed?”
Me: *single*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqalnm/youre_my_number_1/
%
They say aside from humans, dolphins are the only other mammal that has sex for enjoyment

Can confirm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqaljn/they_say_aside_from_humans_dolphins_are_the_only/
%
I couldn't figure out why the ball was getting bigger...

Then it hit me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqaih3/i_couldnt_figure_out_why_the_ball_was_getting/
%
What did the vacuum say while committing filicide?

Dyson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqahpm/what_did_the_vacuum_say_while_committing_filicide/
%
There once was a girl named Virginia. They called her virgin for short...

But not for long!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqag3u/there_once_was_a_girl_named_virginia_they_called/
%
Biology Class

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar ?"
"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girls face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class ... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Profs reply was classic ...
Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
^(Credit to) u/genericusername123

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqabif/biology_class/
%
One time there was a man with no money.

He got a job as a train conductor. One day he walked up to a man on the train and shot him point-blank and stole his money.
Well, when everyone got off the train he was immediately arrested. He got sentenced to death by the judge and went to be executed by electric chair.
The executioner gave him his last meal, put him in the chair, and connected the wires. He pulled the switch, and nothing happened!
The law said the conductor was dead, so they had to release him.
Well, he went back to work, and got a job as conductor again! This time, he shot two men on the train and robbed them.
He was sentenced to death again, and the jail technicians were brought in to make sure the chair worked this time. The executioner gave him his last meal, and he pulled the switch.
Once again, nothing happened! They released him as the law required.
This time, he got a job as a conductor once again. He robbed and killed three men this time!
The judge sentenced him to death, they checked the chair even better this time, and they gave him his last meal. The executioner pulled the switch one more time.
It failed again! Not so much as a hair moved on his body. Before they released him, the executioner asked why he killed the men.
"Well, I don't have any money!", he replied.
"And why won't you die when we electrocute you?", the executioner asked.
"I told you, sir. I'm just a poor conductor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqa7qn/one_time_there_was_a_man_with_no_money/
%
How does a neckbeard serve the soup?

With M'ladle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eqa5wy/how_does_a_neckbeard_serve_the_soup/
%
What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq9y99/what_has_two_legs_and_bleeds/
%
What’s the difference between a Pick-Pocket and a Peeping-Tom?

One snatches watches and one watches snatches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq9xrw/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
%
Two friars decide to open a flower shop

The flower shop down the road was furious. They were being under priced at every turn and they were going to go out of business if things kept up. So they hired a group a thugs to go and rough up the shop owners and shut them down. The thugs came back later that day visibly shaken saying the friars would not be closing down. The other flower shop would not listen. They went out and found the town's badass, Hugh, and paid him to go do what the thugs failed at. Later that night the friars shop had an "out of buisness" sign on the front door, proving once and for all, Hugh, and only Hugh can stop florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq9wfg/two_friars_decide_to_open_a_flower_shop/
%
What do butter and Alabama kids have in common?

They’re both inbred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq9mnj/what_do_butter_and_alabama_kids_have_in_common/
%
Blind dates make me so nervous.

I'm always afraid she's going to hit me with that stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq9k6j/blind_dates_make_me_so_nervous/
%
Two ladies were sitting and discussing the planetarium show which they had just seen. One of them said that the show was fantastic.

The other agreed to her, but added “most of it went over my head”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq9ctk/two_ladies_were_sitting_and_discussing_the/
%
No progress since I joined the gym 5 months ago.

I'm going down there in person tomorrow and talk to the manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq9aud/no_progress_since_i_joined_the_gym_5_months_ago/
%
Where does Jay Leno live?

In his huge man-chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq9a1h/where_does_jay_leno_live/
%
Up to 44% of men are uncircumcised.

Jesus, how big are their cocks?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq91dd/up_to_44_of_men_are_uncircumcised/
%
What did the Swedish hedge say to the other Swedish hedge?

Hej!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq8y2p/what_did_the_swedish_hedge_say_to_the_other/
%
The Little Old Lady At Service (not mine)

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq8y1e/the_little_old_lady_at_service_not_mine/
%
Who is the only homosexual Russian to be knighted by the Queen of England?

Sergei

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq8wmh/who_is_the_only_homosexual_russian_to_be_knighted/
%
So doc, you're saying I could touch myself whenever I feel like?

"No. I said you could have a stroke at any time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq8sog/so_doc_youre_saying_i_could_touch_myself_whenever/
%
[at the doctor after having unprotected e-sex]

doc it hurts when IP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq8mdw/at_the_doctor_after_having_unprotected_esex/
%
Little girl and boy fighting

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes,and which one is better. Finally the boy drops his pants and says,"Here's something I have that You'll never have!" The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true,and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says,"My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq8ikj/little_girl_and_boy_fighting/
%
What did the buffalo say to his son?

Bi, son.
*i am sorry*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq8f2p/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son/
%
Don’t forget the coffee!

So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the speaker, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know what I'd really want now? A cup of coffee and a nice blowjob." So now, a stewardess is panicking and makes a run for the cockpit to make him turn it off. As she's running, one of the passengers say "Don't forget the coffee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq8d46/dont_forget_the_coffee/
%
I got into a car accident with a little person.

He got out and said "I'm not happy"
I said "Well which one are you then ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq8aby/i_got_into_a_car_accident_with_a_little_person/
%
What did the drummer name his twin girls?

Anna one, Anna two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq88u1/what_did_the_drummer_name_his_twin_girls/
%
Reese and his girlfriend get pulled over for speeding

Reese: Is there a problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone
Reese: No, I was only going 65
Reese's girlfriend: Oh Reese, you were going at least 80
Reese: \*glares at his girlfriend\*
Cop: I'm also writing you a ticked for your broken taillight
Reese: What? I had no idea it was broken
Reese's girlfriend: Oh Reese, you've known about that taillight for the last three months
Reese: \*glares at his girlfriend\*
Cop: I'm also writing you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt
Reese: Actually, I unbuckled my seatbelt once you started walking to my car
Reese's girlfriend: Silly Reese, you never wear your seatbelt
Reese: Bitch! If you don't shut up I will break that precious jaw of yours!
Cop: \*in shock\* m'am, does your boyfriend always talk to you like this?
Reese's girlfriend: Nope. Only when he's drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq858v/reese_and_his_girlfriend_get_pulled_over_for/
%
My wife and I watched 5 movies back to back last night....

Lucky for me, I was the one facing the TV!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq7x5c/my_wife_and_i_watched_5_movies_back_to_back_last/
%
Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub.

He says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can shag all night"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.
The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"..
Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was an estimate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq7wfs/bob_the_builder_goes_up_to_a_girl_in_a_nightclub/
%
A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.
Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple.
"There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed.
The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq7wa0/a_teenage_girl_gives_birth_to_twins_and_puts_them/
%
Yesterday I hit my face on the door and yelled “I think I have a bloody nose!”

My British friend got upset and said “I know you have a nose dumbass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq7av4/yesterday_i_hit_my_face_on_the_door_and_yelled_i/
%
4000 YEARS of MEDICINE

2000 BC : Here, eat this root.
1000 AD : That root is heathen! Here, say this prayer.
1865 AD : That prayer is superstition! Here, drink this potion.
1935 AD : That potion is snake oil! Here, swallow this pill.
1975 AD : That pill is ineffective! Here take this antibiotic.
2000 AD : That antibiotic is poison! Here, eat this root.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq78rj/4000_years_of_medicine/
%
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness

So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq76tw/1_out_of_5_people_suffer_from_loneliness/
%
What happened when gravity was first turned on?

Shit went down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq6y6s/what_happened_when_gravity_was_first_turned_on/
%
A kid saw Arnold Schwarzenegger walking down the street...

the kid ran up to Arnold and said, "Whoa, you're a terminator! Do you really kill people?"
Arnold says, "Actually I'm retired so I only kill bugs now. I'm an ex-terminator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq6x8h/a_kid_saw_arnold_schwarzenegger_walking_down_the/
%
Wife is horrible with money

After receiving a decent inheritance from her mother, my wife decided to buy a boob job instead of start a 529 for our kids.  Her prior titties weren't straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq6tom/wife_is_horrible_with_money/
%
I'm okay with my wife selling her body to pay for college.

But I don't know why she needs three PhDs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq6o32/im_okay_with_my_wife_selling_her_body_to_pay_for/
%
I'm going my laundry on Monday instead of Sunday. I have the day off that day because of Martin Luther King day.

In the spirit of the holiday, I am not going to separate my colors from my whites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq6cj9/im_going_my_laundry_on_monday_instead_of_sunday_i/
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I asked my brother if he could PLEASE stop playing Wonderwall on his new guitar.

He said "maybe".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq69qv/i_asked_my_brother_if_he_could_please_stop/
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People said Beethoven couldn't be a composer because he was deaf

He didn't listen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq5vlp/people_said_beethoven_couldnt_be_a_composer/
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I have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq5l8o/i_have_just_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from/
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Doctor: You need to take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life.

Me: But there's only 3 pills doctor!!
Doctor: Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq5h0u/doctor_you_need_to_take_one_of_these_pills_every/
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I asked my north korean friend what were his thoughts on his country situation.

"Well," he said. "I guess I can't complain".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq5emg/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_what_were_his/
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My housemate told me he went to the noodle bar and got food poisoning...

I was like "Why would you even order that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq5cru/my_housemate_told_me_he_went_to_the_noodle_bar/
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Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..

He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq5bko/recently_i_lost_my_friends_trust_and_respect/
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Why is Stalin better than Hitler?

Because he killed everyone as EQUALS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq52gs/why_is_stalin_better_than_hitler/
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Nobody knew about Soleimani in USA before he was killed.

You could say he blew up overnight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq4wtk/nobody_knew_about_soleimani_in_usa_before_he_was/
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My friend Bob hurt his back and asked me to go upstairs and get his slippers....

When I get up there, I see his wife and his sister naked laying in bed. I tell them,
"Bob told me to come up here and fuck both of you."
"No way did Bob say that!" they exclaimed.
I yelled down the stairs, "Bob! both of them or just one?!"
"Well what good is fuckin one of them!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq4s9l/my_friend_bob_hurt_his_back_and_asked_me_to_go/
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I’m the perfect girlfriend - I have the brains of a genius, and the body of a supermodel

They’re really starting to smell though, so I should probably get rid of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq4oyw/im_the_perfect_girlfriend_i_have_the_brains_of_a/
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WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

. . .
The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
The Russian – Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian so there will be peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq4kow/when_a_fly_falls_into_a_cup_of_coffee/
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Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey,

it’s the yeast I can do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq4dfi/me_and_my_sisters_are_baking_bread_for_our_sick/
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What's the worst thing to hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq4d8y/whats_the_worst_thing_to_hear_after_blowing/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq4cgh/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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What do you call a gender neutral clown?

IT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq47hq/what_do_you_call_a_gender_neutral_clown/
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A beautiful young blonde boards a flight...

A beautiful young blonde boarded a flight, but refused to go to economic class and insisted that she get to stay in business class.
When the first stewardess asked the lady to move, the lady simply responded: "I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles."
The stewardess could not get her to budge, and called another stewardess over. "Miss, this isn't your seat. We need you to stand up and go to the economic class seat that you paid for" the second stewardess said. Once again, the lady simply responded: "I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles." And once again, she did not move.
A steward, overhearing all of this, comes up to the young blonde and whispers something in her ear. The blonde immediately got up and proceeded to her assigned seat.
The stewardesses asked him, "what the hell did you tell her?"
The steward replied, "I just told her that business class doesn't fly to Los Angeles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq47ck/a_beautiful_young_blonde_boards_a_flight/
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Two guys meet in the afterlife

, the first one asked the second.
- Hey buddy what did you die from?
- I was frozen to death and you?
- I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I got home early to catch them in the act but when I got there, she was alone, I looked all over the house and couldn't find him, I felt so guilty, I just killed myself
- I bet you didn't look in the freezer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq3xlm/two_guys_meet_in_the_afterlife/
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What do you call someone who dips their dick in a bowl of Cheerios?

A cereal rapist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq3vdy/what_do_you_call_someone_who_dips_their_dick_in_a/
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Which motor vehicle was prominently featured in the Bible?

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq3tvu/which_motor_vehicle_was_prominently_featured_in/
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The cheetah is faster

Dandelion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq3t2q/the_cheetah_is_faster/
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Why don't churches have wifi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq3ez3/why_dont_churches_have_wifi/
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Do you guys think that Russia will have a monarchic restoration?

It seems pretty Tsarfetched to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq3efu/do_you_guys_think_that_russia_will_have_a/
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What do you call a dare devil that does art

Easel kaneevil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq3cb6/what_do_you_call_a_dare_devil_that_does_art/
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Got my first date of 2020 already lined up

I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq2zlv/got_my_first_date_of_2020_already_lined_up/
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Carl had this problem of always being late for work...

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Carl went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Carl slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
Carl: The pill actually worked!
Boss: That's all fine, but where were you yesterday?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq2y1s/carl_had_this_problem_of_always_being_late_for/
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You can't run through a camp site

You can only ran because it's past tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq2y09/you_cant_run_through_a_camp_site/
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What do you call an old Mexican?

A Señor Citizen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq2wh8/what_do_you_call_an_old_mexican/
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What do you call someone who gives a cop a hickie?

A law-biting citizen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq2vru/what_do_you_call_someone_who_gives_a_cop_a_hickie/
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A mother is driving with her little son in the back...

...when all of a sudden a dildo comes flying out of the car in front of them, bouncing off their windshield. The son, surprised, asks the mom "What was that? and she, still in shock, replies: "Oh, nothing, sweettie. Just a poor little bird that probably got distracted and hit us" They continue driving for a couple of minutes after which the little boy says "Well, he sure had a big dick on him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq2n9t/a_mother_is_driving_with_her_little_son_in_the/
%
A man sees a beautiful woman sitting at a restaurant, eating, alone.

A man sees a beautiful woman sitting at a restaurant, eating, alone, at the table next to his.
Suddenly, she sneezes and a glass eye flies out of its socket!
With his lightening fast reflexes, as it hurtled past the man, he catches it from mid air and hands it back to the lady.
"This is so embarrassing!" She says. "Let me at least buy you dinner to make up for it!"
So they have dinner together. The lady is warm, charming and very pleasant. She is a great conversationalist and they end up having a lot in common.
The man gets her number and they set up a date. "You are an exceptionally charming woman!" He says. "Are you normally this nice to everyone you meet?"
"No," she replies.
"You just happened to catch my eye"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq2jl0/a_man_sees_a_beautiful_woman_sitting_at_a/
%
I just told my younger brother a bad joke about gravity.

He is still falling for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq2gjj/i_just_told_my_younger_brother_a_bad_joke_about/
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If you rush a circumcision to be able to watch the start of a basketball game

You are quickly taking the tip off not to miss the tip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq29dw/if_you_rush_a_circumcision_to_be_able_to_watch/
%
One time my cousin called me after a night of drinking...

"Hey man I just woke up in some desert and have no idea where I am! You gotta help me!"
I took a deep breath and said "Relax bud lets figure this out. Look around you what sort of things do you see?"
He told me it was pretty much all sand around him minus some rocks, mountains in the distance, an old camp site and a sign in the distance. I advised him to go to the camp site and maybe find some water.
Upon reaching the site he said, "Oh man someone really let this fire go wild. This whole place is burnt to a crisp! It's just ash everywhere!"
That wouldn't do so now it was time to read the sign. Once he got there he had some trouble reading it. "This isn't in English how can I read this?"
I had him describe the letters and I would try and use Google to translate it. After several grueling minutes we came to the conclusion the sign said "Baghdad."
My cousin exclaimed, "Baghdad! Where's Baghdad!? Where am I!?"
"I have some bad news for you cousin, it looks like you're caught between Iraq and a charred place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq220q/one_time_my_cousin_called_me_after_a_night_of/
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My brother was dating a Japanese woman for a while but was dumped today.

You could say that he was disoriented

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq20wl/my_brother_was_dating_a_japanese_woman_for_a/
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What do old people and strippers have in common?

They don't like change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq1wrn/what_do_old_people_and_strippers_have_in_common/
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My friend called me from Australia

He said it was lit!
Please make sure to donate to the cause, every bit helps them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq1hvl/my_friend_called_me_from_australia/
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Got into a fight with my girlfriend...

Her: I'm so confused by you...one minute you are rude and the next minute you are polite!
Me: Bitch, please!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq1d8o/got_into_a_fight_with_my_girlfriend/
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How did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq1cw6/how_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
What floor is the dentist office on?

The 2th floor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq18n9/what_floor_is_the_dentist_office_on/
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What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?

A Fizzician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq17yr/what_kind_of_dr_is_dr_pepper/
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Freudian Slip

A man walks up to the bar to order a pint. The barmaid comes to serve him. She is well endowed in a low cut top. He finds them distracting.
He says to the barmaid "Can I have a pint of breasts please?
Realising what he has said he apologizes and asks for a pint of Guinness. The barmaid passes it off and goes to get the order.
Still a bit embarrassed and finding the need to explain himself turns to a guy sitting beside him at the bar.
He says " that is what they call a Freudian slip, I wanted to say one thing but I actually said what was on my mind"
I know exactly what you mean says the guy. Sure the very same thing happened to me this morning.
"How so"
"Well I was having breakfast with the wife and I meant to say, can you pass the marmalade? But what came out of my mouth was. You f@@king miserable c©&t, you've made my life a misery"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq17i6/freudian_slip/
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What does Jeffery Epstein and me being offered 30 days of YouTube premium have in common?

We both skip the trial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq16hw/what_does_jeffery_epstein_and_me_being_offered_30/
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My friend promised me he was going to the camouflage convention

But I never saw him there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq0zlo/my_friend_promised_me_he_was_going_to_the/
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A photon is going through airport security...

TSA agent: Do you have any luggage?
Photon: No, I'm traveling light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq0yko/a_photon_is_going_through_airport_security/
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My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with legumes.

Jack and the beans talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq0xrr/my_friend_jack_claims_that_he_can_communicate/
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A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq0xl5/a_truck_loaded_with_vicks_vaporub_overturned_on/
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Last Name Only !

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look... I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name.  It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.  I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker .…  That’s all.  I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.  Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling.  My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq0xk8/last_name_only/
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I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes

I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq0ico/i_just_burned_2000_calories_in_20_minutes/
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A man is lost in the desert...

A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days. Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: companionship. After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck...' and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceeds to start mounting the camel. As he does so, the camel whips its head all the way around and bites him in the face.
A few more days go by, and the man starts to really need a lay. He tries a similar tactic of going behind the camel, but tries doing it much faster. Once again the camel whips its head around and bites him in the face, which ends with him laying in the sand frustrated and without having satisfied his urges.
A few days later, a sandstorm picks up and the man hears cries coming from nearby. Through the biting sand, he recognises that the calls are from a woman. As he nears, he realises that she is covered in sand up to her neck. She shouts to him, "Please! Please dig me out, I'll do anything you wish!"
The man dismounts and starts digging her out. As he is going along, he notices that, not only is she extremely fit and beautiful, but her clothing has been damaged in the sandstorm as well exposing her bare breasts. Advancing to her waistline, she begins to help him, and he sees that her dress has been ripped away, and she's nearly naked. After a couple of hours she is free, and she motions seductively to the man, "For saving my life, I'll do anything for you. What would you have me do?"
The man wastes no time dropping his trousers, and says, >!"Hold that camel's head for me, will you?"!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq0hh0/a_man_is_lost_in_the_desert/
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Why do bees spend all of winter in the hive?

'Swarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq0f1w/why_do_bees_spend_all_of_winter_in_the_hive/
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Did you hear that Cleopatra fucked her son

He was into step-mummy shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq0e6c/did_you_hear_that_cleopatra_fucked_her_son/
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A Jewish man in the Soviet Union is lying on his deathbed

His rabbi arrives and asks him if he would like his final rites.
The Jew replies “no, please sign me up as a member of the communist party”
“A member of the communist party? Are you insane?? Why on earth would you want to join them?” The rabbi asks incredulously
“Better one of them dies than one of us” the Jew replies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq0e24/a_jewish_man_in_the_soviet_union_is_lying_on_his/
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What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

The pickpocket snatches your watch. The peeping tom does the opposite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq0bqn/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”

The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq0azz/at_the_end_of_the_physics_lecture_i_asked_my/
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A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...

and as you can see, they were Wright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq0aq3/a_century_ago_two_brothers_insisted_that_it_was/
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Someone donates one kidney and gets hailed as a hero

I donate five and I get arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eq07ti/someone_donates_one_kidney_and_gets_hailed_as_a/
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A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the cultures of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back to a Christian. What is happening to our young people? The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epzyr7/a_jewish_businessman_in_brooklyn/
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Since when does screaming helps with sugars cravings? Because I asked many people about their way of stopping sugar cravings and each one of them said...

Ice cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epzrld/since_when_does_screaming_helps_with_sugars/
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I just watched a show about Beavers...

It was the best dam show I ever saw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epzq41/i_just_watched_a_show_about_beavers/
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The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)

Another classic...
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... ... ... ...
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epzpto/the_pregnant_woman_on_the_bus_not_mine/
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The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A young man, down on his luck, was hitch-hiking through New England. A well-dressed man driving a Lincoln pulled up, lowered the passenger side window, and asked, “Do you vote Republican or Democrat?”
“Democrat,” said the hitch-hiker. And the Lincoln sped off in a cloud of dust.
The next car that pulled up was a Mercedes and the same question was asked. Once again the driver sped away, leaving him beside the road.
He plodded on until a beautiful woman stopped her Mustang GT and, predictably, asked about his politics.
In desperation the young man said, “I’m a Republican.”
The woman welcomed him aboard, and they sped off down the road.
She was gorgeous. She had the face of a goddess, eyes the color of the sea on a sunny day, golden hair, and legs so beautiful that he couldn’t take his eyes off them as her feet moved on the pedals.
They hadn’t gone very far when he said, “Stop the car. I want to walk.”
“Why?” she asked.
“I’ve been a Republican for ten minutes and already I want to screw somebody.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epzlxr/the_difference_between_republicans_and_democrats/
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What do you call a small mother ?

A minimum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epzli4/what_do_you_call_a_small_mother/
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I was traumatized by a priest when i was a kid...

He was cheating on me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epzhx7/i_was_traumatized_by_a_priest_when_i_was_a_kid/
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Did you hear about the geologist who got robbed?

Dieticians HATE him! Find out how this geologist lost over 100 stones OVERNIGHT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epzb7a/did_you_hear_about_the_geologist_who_got_robbed/
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Jane and Arlene joke

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epyv19/jane_and_arlene_joke/
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I went to a funeral last week and the widow agreed to let me say a word ... 'BARGAIN', I shouted.

'Thanks', she said, 'That meant a great deal'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epyrfq/i_went_to_a_funeral_last_week_and_the_widow/
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A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells

Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epym88/a_human_asks_a_mermaid_why_she_wears_seashells/
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My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epyi25/my_wife_gave_me_an_ultimatum_it_was_either_her_or/
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What`s the difference between hungry and horny?

Its where you stick the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epybl9/whats_the_difference_between_hungry_and_horny/
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A man is concerned about his wife's hearing

So he goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you.”
The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and yells “What’s for dinner??”
She turns around and says “For the THIRD time, beef stroganoff!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epy9yk/a_man_is_concerned_about_his_wifes_hearing/
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My friend asked me why the balls and the dick are separate

He doesn't even know there's a vas deferens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epy6nj/my_friend_asked_me_why_the_balls_and_the_dick_are/
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If a dove is a bird of peace, what is a bird of true love?

A swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epy5vu/if_a_dove_is_a_bird_of_peace_what_is_a_bird_of/
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My friend works at Coca-Cola but he's still really sad about it

His job is soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epy12t/my_friend_works_at_cocacola_but_hes_still_really/
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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

"Oh no, some asshole has my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epxh24/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
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Last night, my house was completely ransacked.

Now I’ve lost everything except my virginity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epxfmm/last_night_my_house_was_completely_ransacked/
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epxfff/a_married_irishman_went_into_the_confessional_and/
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Shopping for a Husband...

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please and are all just want, want, fucking want.
No wonder you are on you own, you deserve being left on the shelf.  Now fuck off!
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have some money and like a beer and a shag whenever you fancy!
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epxagm/shopping_for_a_husband/
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What's the difference between Humans and Bullets?

Humans miss JFK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epwztu/whats_the_difference_between_humans_and_bullets/
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Why did the jewish girl get in trouble for dating a female cop?

According to kosher law, you can't eat pigs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epwzg9/why_did_the_jewish_girl_get_in_trouble_for_dating/
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Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?

Because of all the red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epwt13/wanna_know_how_we_knew_communism_was_doomed_from/
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Why do Chicken Coops have only 2 doors?

Because if they had four doors it
Would be called a Chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epwdt0/why_do_chicken_coops_have_only_2_doors/
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Professor: "You are failing your ethics class."

Me: *slides a $50 across the desk*
"How about now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epwc50/professor_you_are_failing_your_ethics_class/
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James was recently hired as a new butler for an old rich man

However, despite the old man’s age, he had a smoking hot 20 year old wife.
One day, the couple goes out to dinner and tells James to watch over the house while they are gone.
About thirty minutes later, the wife walks into the house without the old man and sees James.
She directs him to her room, and closes the door behind them
“Take off my shirt” she says to James. James can hardly believe his ears. His hands shake as he slowly removes her shirt.
“Take of my bra and skirt too” she tells him again. James’s hands are shaking so much he can barely unclip her bra.
“Lastly, remove my panties James” she says. He pulls her panties off, and as he does, she says
“I better not ever catch you wearing my clothes again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epw74p/james_was_recently_hired_as_a_new_butler_for_an/
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Yesterday I went to a job interview very sleepy and stoned

I was hired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epw6ko/yesterday_i_went_to_a_job_interview_very_sleepy/
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I've never really inherited anything...

But my best friend did give me an EpiPen before he died.
Seemed really keen for me to have it for some reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epw1j1/ive_never_really_inherited_anything/
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How do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epvw0o/how_do_you_weigh_a_pie/
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Who’s the biggest prostitute in history?

For 25 cents Ms Pac-Man would eat balls until she DIED

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epvver/whos_the_biggest_prostitute_in_history/
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Rednecks love more races than any other group

Indy 500, Talladega, and Daytona just to name a few

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epvuzt/rednecks_love_more_races_than_any_other_group/
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Tinder Date: "Oh wow, you’re way better looking than in your profile pic."

Dorian Gray: "Yeah, I get that a lot actually."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epvt2z/tinder_date_oh_wow_youre_way_better_looking_than/
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I was arrested for stealing and burying a very valuable Royal Fern

...but I know the police planted it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epvifh/i_was_arrested_for_stealing_and_burying_a_very/
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Why was the electron a pessimist?

Because he always put a negative spin on things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epvfvc/why_was_the_electron_a_pessimist/
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A panda walks into a restaurant.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. “Hey!” shouts the manager. “Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!”
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epvcnk/a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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What happens if you have an orgasm at the same time you die

You come and go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epv9c5/what_happens_if_you_have_an_orgasm_at_the_same/
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What do you use to carry potatoes?

A tater tote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epv8yn/what_do_you_use_to_carry_potatoes/
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Can a woman ever be president of Russia?

No because Putin is not a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epuvf2/can_a_woman_ever_be_president_of_russia/
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The lion’s birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment.

So he tells the zebra to find the funniest animal in the whole kingdom. In order to do this the zebra decides to hold a competition in which animals will have to compete in front of a judge. Whoever the first one to makemake the judge laugh wins and will perform for the lion.
So the first thing the zebra does is look for the most serious animal. He walks up to a tortoise and asks, “Hey tortoise, I’m holding a competition and all you have to do is sit there and laugh if you find an animal to be funny. Will you do it?”  The tortoise responds, “...Yes.”
The day of the competition arrives and all The animals have gathered to compete. Since this is for the lion, the zebra decides to raise the stakes to ensure every animal delivers their full potential. He says, “Animals, your goal is to make the tortoise laugh. If you are able to do so, you win and get to perform for the lion. If you fail to make the tortoise laugh, then you will be killed and become the lion’s meal.”
The competition begins and up first is the monkey. He jumps from tree to tree, does flips, and makes funny noises. The zebra becomes pleased and looks at the tortoise and asks what he thinks, to which the tortoise says, “...” Since there is no reaction from the judge, the monkey is killed.
Up next is the ostrich. He runs around in circles and is moving his long neck. He jumps and does funny moves. The zebra is once again pleased and turns to see the reaction of the tortoise, which once again is, “...” So there’s nothing the zebra can do and they have the ostrich killed.
This pattern goes on with many of the funniest animals and the zebra becomes worried that they won’t have someone for the lion’s party. All of a sudden the next animal approaches, the hippopotamus. The zebra knows that he won’t be able to perform any fun tricks and just as he’s about to have him killed, he hears a chuckle from the tortoise. That chuckle turns into full blown roars of laughter. The zebra is bewildered and asks the tortoise, “Hey what’s so funny? He hasn’t done anything! He is literally just standing there!”
The tortoise responds, “HAHA, wow that monkey was hilarious!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epuuvv/the_lions_birthday_is_coming_up_and_he_wants/
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How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

They usually have a cane and dark glasses, so it's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epupwi/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_on_a_nude_beach/
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What did the frog call when it’s car broke down?

A toad truck!
My 6 year old told me this today and I wanted to share with you guys :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epuoqm/what_did_the_frog_call_when_its_car_broke_down/
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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe is shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him £15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 would fit fine.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years sir!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years sir.'
Joe tried  the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! You got it wrong this time! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you hell of a Headache.'
*Surgery - £15000
*New underwear - £6
Second Opinion, Priceless
Always take second opinion before going under the Surgeons knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epunqu/joe_had_suffered_from_really_bad_headaches_for/
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In a kingdom lived a princess who slept with many men.

To stop this the king put a razor blade inside her vagina. Reportedly one man slept with her and got away unscathed so the king asked him how he did it, to which he replied: " I athe thfe pushhy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epukye/in_a_kingdom_lived_a_princess_who_slept_with_many/
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Why are there so many janitors from Poland?

They know how to Polish better than anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epuhsk/why_are_there_so_many_janitors_from_poland/
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Tarzan was swinging through the jungle high in the canopy and his vine breaks....

He fell hitting jagged branches and thorns for about a hundred feet or so and slammed into the ground below wounded and dying.
A few hours later a witch doctor comes across him and decides to drag his lifeless body to his hut to try to help him. The witch Dr. examines Tarzan and sees that during his fall he was severely injured. His left eye was gouged out of his head, his right arm was dismembered and his cock was torn off completely.
The witch Dt. was very resourceful and a great shot with his blow dart and decided the he would search through the jungle for remedies.
First he saw an eagle soaring through the sky. He pulled out his blow dart gun, took aim and shot down the eagle. The Dr. Then removed it's eye and put it into Tarzan
He knew Tarzan needed an arm so went back out in the jungle and saw an ape swinging through the trees. He once again pulled out his trusty dart gun and took out the ape in one shot. He was then able to replace Tarzans arm.
Now he knew tarzan couldn't go through life without a dick. This proved to be difficult. He had to find something perfect. After a long search he finally came across an elephant grazing in a field. Like before using his blow gun he downed the creature, removed its trunk and attached it to Tarzan.
After a lengthy recovery Tarzan was finally well enough to return to the jungle.
After a few years the witch Dr. saw Tarzan swinging by and called out to him. "Tarzan, how are you doing? ' Tarzan replied thankfully ;" Amazing thank you Dr. With my eye i can see for miles and can protect the jungle from pochers. With my arm i can swing from vine to vine faster then ever and it has the strength of ten men.
Excitedly the Dr asked." What about your penis? "
To which Tarzan replied "It works great and the woman love it, but every time I walk through a field it shoves grass up my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epu1w6/tarzan_was_swinging_through_the_jungle_high_in/
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What does a vagina and the front of an airplane have in common?

They are both cockpits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eptzrp/what_does_a_vagina_and_the_front_of_an_airplane/
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What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eptywk/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
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I had a really nice sign to put in my yard.

But the Astros stole it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eptwe0/i_had_a_really_nice_sign_to_put_in_my_yard/
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Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The chicken, because eggs can't cum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eptonx/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
A man, his wife and mother in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there the mother in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them,
"You can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5000 to ship your mother in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and  you would only spend $150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epto9w/a_man_his_wife_and_mother_inlaw_went_on_vacation/
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Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted,
> "Two, four, six, eight, ten."
Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted,
> "One, three, five, seven, nine."
The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten.
The man said,
> "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President that God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eptmj4/scientists_removed_the_right_half_of_a_mans_noggin/
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I tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal

But the line was always busy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eptg18/i_tried_contacting_the_aboriginals_in_australia/
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What kind of trauma does a biologist get?

Petrie-SD
Guys I’m so proud of this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eptcmi/what_kind_of_trauma_does_a_biologist_get/
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The curse

There is a prince who has a curse where he can only say one word a year but if he goes a year without talking he gets to say two words the next year and so on and so on.
One day he meets a beautiful princess who asks he wants to go to the ball with her one day, the prince nods his head in agreement not wanting to waste any words.
The prince wants to say “my darling”  so he waits two years, on top of that he wants to say “I love you” so he waits three years
And to end it off he wants to say “will you marry me?” So he waits another three years.
He finally goes to the ball with her and he’s ready so he holds the princess’s hand softly and says “my darling, I love you, will you marry me?”
To which the princess reply’s “sorry what. I didn’t hear you, can you say that again?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eptb25/the_curse/
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I walked in on my boss furiously masturbating.

He told me to stop it right now and get the hell out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ept8hn/i_walked_in_on_my_boss_furiously_masturbating/
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What do pirates have during sex?

An arrrr-gasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ept8bh/what_do_pirates_have_during_sex/
%
Happy birthday to Frank Zamboni

A revolutionary inventor, despite being dead for almost 40 years, his name still resurfaces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ept777/happy_birthday_to_frank_zamboni/
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What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ept6ls/whats_that_italian_dessert_called_where_you_pour/
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man addicted to brake fluid

says he can stop at any time....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ept1lu/man_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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Wearing crocs is like getting sucked by a guy

You feel really good until you look down and realise you're gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epsraq/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_sucked_by_a_guy/
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What do you get when you’re allergic to honey?

HIVES

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epspmu/what_do_you_get_when_youre_allergic_to_honey/
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Why was yellow jealous of green?

Because red blue green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epsja0/why_was_yellow_jealous_of_green/
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Sometimes I like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epsf8x/sometimes_i_like_to_tuck_my_knees_into_my_chest/
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A bear and a rabbit are in the woods

, and they’re both taking a dump.
All of a sudden the bear turns to the rabbit and says, “pardon me, but do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?”
And the rabbit says, “Why no, I don’t.”
So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epsbx8/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_in_the_woods/
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Who decided to call them deli slices and not...

... Meat Thins?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eps9t3/who_decided_to_call_them_deli_slices_and_not/
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If you have a green ball in your right hand, and a green ball in your left hand, what do you have?

Shreks dick in you mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eps28b/if_you_have_a_green_ball_in_your_right_hand_and_a/
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Why did the slave go to college?

To get his masters degree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eprzsv/why_did_the_slave_go_to_college/
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I had a medical condition when I was a child, I had to eat soil 3 times a day or I would die.

Really, I was quite lucky my older brother told me about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eprvk7/i_had_a_medical_condition_when_i_was_a_child_i/
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Why did 8 get more booty than 9?

Because there’s assinine but assassinate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eprvcj/why_did_8_get_more_booty_than_9/
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Why are parties on the moon boring?

It had no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eprva1/why_are_parties_on_the_moon_boring/
%
I went to the local bookstore the other day

I asked the lady behind the counter if she had any books on turtles.
She asks "hard back?"
And I'm like "yeah and little heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epruvy/i_went_to_the_local_bookstore_the_other_day/
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Two Chemists Walk Into A Bar

Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says “I will have some H2O.”
The second one says “I’ll have some water too, but why did you order like that? We’re not at work.”
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot has failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eprtcm/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
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After five years of marriage I can finally say I know exactly what gets my wife turned on...

...not much, as it turns out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eprs4m/after_five_years_of_marriage_i_can_finally_say_i/
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Customer: "Can I have a number 5 with coke?

Me: "I'm so sorry, maam, but we don't sell cocaine."
Manager: *pulls me aside* "Why the heck would you say that!?"
Me: *goes back to the customer* "My bad, we do sell cocaine".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eprr0u/customer_can_i_have_a_number_5_with_coke/
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The longest circumcision in history

I had this mate and he used to go on about it his job all the time, you know the type? Work, work, work! Well this was particularly annoying in his case, as he was a professional circumciser.
I said to him one day do you enjoy your work? And off he went...
He said yes it’s a fantastic job, the money isn’t as good as being a dentist but you get to keep the tips.
Also you get to use all the latest cutting edge technology.
Some people think that actually I am really expensive but the last thing I want to do is be a rip off.
I do offer discounts but then again Most of my customers are Jewish and  it’s true they just can’t resist anything that’s 10% off.
I indulged him a little bit and said that’s fascinating do you ever circumcise famous people?
Yes he said the other day I circumcised Stephen Spielberg. He came in and asked for the directors cut. That’s actually ended up getting fired from my practise?
You got fired i said? What happened?
Well I got the sack he replied. It’s fine though I’ve joined a new practice where we only circumcise elephants and rhinos. Is there much money in that I asked? No he said but the tips are massive. Anyway I intend to make some extra income by releasing my book this year.
Oh really what’s it called I asked?
Cutting it close to the edge  by Dr Ivan Karchakokov. He said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eprocj/the_longest_circumcision_in_history/
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What do you call a well dressed pop singer

Billie Stylish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epr9cq/what_do_you_call_a_well_dressed_pop_singer/
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A rich man notices four homeless men on his large estate

He walks over to them and tells them they're gonna have to clear off
One of the homeless men step up and boldly asks: "Where did you get this estate?"
The rich man, slightly taken aback replies: "Well I got it from my father"
"And where did he get it?"
"From his father"
"And where did *he* get it?"
"From *his* father"
"And where did he get it?"
"Well he fought for it."
The homeless men looked at each other.
"Okay, *we'll* fight you for it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epr5ib/a_rich_man_notices_four_homeless_men_on_his_large/
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A brunette walked in to a room.

She saw her blonde friend whooping and hollering. “What’s the matter?” The brunette inquired.
“Nothing at all. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” The blonde beamed.
“How long did it take you?”
“Well, the box said ‘3 to 5 Years’ but I did it in a month!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epr292/a_brunette_walked_in_to_a_room/
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I decided to stop masturbating the other day

Since then I've not really felt myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epqxot/i_decided_to_stop_masturbating_the_other_day/
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Thank god Canada’s not the super power

or we’d all be sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epqlxy/thank_god_canadas_not_the_super_power/
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This brought a tear to my eye!

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.  If he stopped, she stopped.  Furthermore, she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epq9n8/this_brought_a_tear_to_my_eye/
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[just wrote this one] Political Massage

So I went to this masseur. Great reputation. People say he’s good with his hands.
We get down to business, and he starts asking me about politics.
He asks, “So are you for states or against states? You’ll get a different massage depending on your answer.”
I guess he’s probably an anarchist, so I decide to test him.
So I says to the guy, “You know, I like countries. They provide plumbing, roads, a police force,” the whole nine yards.
So he says, “pro-state massage it is.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epq7wy/just_wrote_this_one_political_massage/
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Goodbye Daddy !

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died.  The father thought it was a strange coincidence.  A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.  Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.  Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock.  He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.  He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.  He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.  He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.  Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it.  I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me.  This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epq03b/goodbye_daddy/
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I hate when the guy at the store gives me money back after I give him a large bill

I don't like change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eppr59/i_hate_when_the_guy_at_the_store_gives_me_money/
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Why did the frog take the bus?

His car got toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eppnn7/why_did_the_frog_take_the_bus/
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I wrote a song about a tortilla....

It’s actually more of a wrap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eppm0i/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
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What was baby Yoda's first word

His second word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eppd8q/what_was_baby_yodas_first_word/
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My son is a boy trapped in a womans body

He's coming out in 6 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eppcaz/my_son_is_a_boy_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
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The husband has to go through inspection. He asks his blonde wife to see if the rear blinkers work...

Yes!
.
.
.
.
.
No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eppc08/the_husband_has_to_go_through_inspection_he_asks/
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Rolls Royce and a Mini

A Rolls Royce and a Mini pull up at the lights together. The guy in the Mini looks at the guy in the Rolls Royce and presses a button to lower his window. The guy in the Rolls Royce smiles and presses the button for his window to go down and with beautiful precision the window smoothly rolls down.
The guy in the Mini smiles back at the guy in the Roller and raises an eyebrow as he in turn presses another button and his seat reclines slightly, all while he's starting the guy in the Rolls Royce in the face. Mr Rolls Royce takes up the competition as he smugly presses a button on his dash and his seat reclines and his arm rest contours up slightly. Mr Rolls Royce winks as he does this knowing he's scored a point here.
As the lights go amber the guy in the Mini reaches forward and presses yet another button on his centre console and his rear seat smoothly flattens out into a bed. Lights go green and he's away leaving the guy in the Rolls Royce with his jaw dropped open.  Mr Rolls Royce is fucking livid. Being done over by that little pip squeak, he decides to drive straight to his local Rolls Royce garage. He gets there and demands that they drop everything and he tells them that at the press of a button he wants the rear seat of his car to open fluidly into a double bed. The mechanic tells him it can be done but it'll be incredibly expensive and he'll be without his car for a couple of weeks.
Two weeks later he picks up his car and then spends the next two months driving round looking for that little fucker in the Mini. There's no way he's letting him think he's got one over on him.  For two months straight he's driving around town looking for this Mini and its driver. He looks everywhere, can't find him, and he's getting despondent until one day he sees this Mini parked up down a little lovers lane. Gleefully he pulls up next to this Mini which is gently rocking back and forth with its windows all misted up. He pulls up level with it and rolls his window down and knocks on the window of the Mini. The owner of the Mini clears the mist from his window with his hand and looks quizzically at the smug face of the Rolls Royce driver and asks what he wants. Mr Rolls Royce who has been waiting for this moment for two months now simply presses a button on his centre console and delivers what he believes to be the killer blow as his rear seats smoothly switch and expand into this beautiful double bed complete with satin sheets. Two roses on the pillow complete with two flutes of champagne pop up ready to use.  With a massive grin the guy in the Rolls Royce simply says to the guy in the Mini
"what do you think about that then pal?"
The guy in the Mini looks a little exasperated as he says in return
"You got me out of the shower for that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eppa2d/rolls_royce_and_a_mini/
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A group of blonde women decide once and for all, they were going to end the stereotype that blondes are dumb.

They hired a professor from Harvard to do a group test. 100 blonde women entered into a room and one of them was picked at random. The professor explained that he was going to ask a series of questions.
He asked the woman... “What is 5 + 10?”
”oh that’s easy” the Woman replied. “That’s 28!”
Bewildered, the professor looked at the crowd. Together in unison they chanted “give her another chance. Give her another chance.”
The professor then asked... “What is 10 + 2?”
”oh that’s easy” the Woman replied. “That’s 48!”
Even more confused, the professor again looked at the crowd.
Together in unison they chanted “give her another chance. Give her another chance.”
The professor then asked... “What is 4 + 4?”
“oh that’s easy” the Woman replied. “That’s 8!”
Relieved, the professor looks at the crowd...
Together in unison they chanted “give her another chance. Give her another chance.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epp4wr/a_group_of_blonde_women_decide_once_and_for_all/
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I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?

Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epp4t6/i_call_my_hand_handy_and_my_foot_footy_what_do_i/
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What do Farmers Get when their wives run off with Tractor Salesmen?

A John Deere Letter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epp2r6/what_do_farmers_get_when_their_wives_run_off_with/
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A Man Is Obsessed With Tractors

A man named John is obsessed with tractors. So obsessed that he has posters of tractors on his wall, tractor toys and even tractor bedsheets.
One day, John meets a woman and they start dating. But the woman is tired of all the tractor related items in Johns home.
Girl: John I really like you but you have to get rid of all that tractor stuff or else it’s over. So it’s either me or the tractors. Choose one.
John: Ok, I choose you then. If this is what it takes to stay with you then alright. I’ll get rid of that stuff right now.
So John does just that. He has regular posters and paintings up, he got rid of all the toys and he got normal bedsheets too.
He then goes to the pub with his friends for some drinks.
Friends 1: John I’m so glad you got rid of all that tractor stuff.
Friend 2: Yeah, whenever we met up you would only talk about tractors and I started worrying that you wouldn’t be able to stop.
Suddenly, the pub catches fire and everyone runs outside and does a headcount. They realise that someone is missing.
They hear a scream from inside.
Before his friends could stop him, John runs in looking for the person.
He hears the screams coming from the bathroom but the door to the bathroom is covered by smoke and flames.
John sucks up all the smoke, kicks open the door and carries the person out over his shoulder.
When John gets the person to safety all Johns friends were really confused.
Friend 3: John how did you do that!?
John: I’m an ex-tractor-fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epor6n/a_man_is_obsessed_with_tractors/
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A blonde goes to the doctor.

A blonde goes to the doctor with the tip of her finger blown right off. After they get a bandage and fix her up, the doctor asks what happened.
"Well doc, my boyfriend left me a couple weeks ago and I was feeling really depressed, so I decided to blow my brains out. And after some consideration, I realized that it would be really loud. So I decided to put my finger on my other ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epo5z3/a_blonde_goes_to_the_doctor/
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What's different between a feminist and a knife?

A knife has a point, and actually does something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epo3e4/whats_different_between_a_feminist_and_a_knife/
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You guys want to hear my Trump impression?

I never said I had a Trump impression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epo0lf/you_guys_want_to_hear_my_trump_impression/
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Wisdom in age

1.  When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
2.  When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
3.  In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency.  She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.  I decided I needed a girl with stability.
4.  When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
5.  When I was 30, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  I decided to find a  girl with some real ambition.
6.  When I turned 40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
7.  I'm much older and wiser now, and I'm looking for a girl with big tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epnras/wisdom_in_age/
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So he walks in for a Condom...

This young 18 year old young man walks into a drugstore nervously and after hesitating, summons the courage to approach the pharmacist at the counter and gets even more  nervous. The wise and experienced pharmacist smiles and asks him to relax and open up. He finally blurts out:
"I'd like to buy a condom because there's this cute girl I'd love to score and she's a virgin."
The older man has a knowing grin and says:
"And you're buying just one? No son, you'll need way more than that. Get an entire box and give her something to remember."
Now more confident than ever, our lad purchases two boxes with the intent of making her 'remember'.
The next night, he approaches his girlfriend's house as he'd been invited for dinner with her family.
He rings the bell, waits and his girl opens the door obviously overjoyed to see him. She pecks him on the cheek and ushers him inside. He approaches the table and after very timidly greeting her parents, he keeps his head down the whole time.
Puzzled, his girl whispers to him:
"I never knew you were this serene and reserved."
To which he whispers in response:
"I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epnr2w/so_he_walks_in_for_a_condom/
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Whats the difference between a movie and a girl?

When you see a movie, you think "please don't suck".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epnpny/whats_the_difference_between_a_movie_and_a_girl/
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A bodybuilder and a Blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epn5px/a_bodybuilder_and_a_blonde/
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A blonde woman walks into a department store

She sees a product on display and asks an employee what it is. "that's a thermos, ma'am. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." She thinks it's fantastic and buys one.
She goes into work the next day. Her blonde coworker sees the thermos and asks her what it is. "It's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold!" Her coworker asks "What do you have in it?" She responds "coffee and a popsicle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epn2zx/a_blonde_woman_walks_into_a_department_store/
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Why do blond women have bruises on their belly buttons?

Because blond guys are stupid too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epmr47/why_do_blond_women_have_bruises_on_their_belly/
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Q: What do you call first aid on a pirate ship?

A: Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!
\*Walks away slowly\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epmhmg/q_what_do_you_call_first_aid_on_a_pirate_ship/
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A poor man meets a rich man on christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epmhht/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_on_christmas/
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3 people are in a desert and a genie appears

Genie: I will grant you all one wish each.
Person 1: it’s kind of hot out here, I wish for some water
The genie grants the wish and gives the person water.
Person 2: I don’t want to be here, I wish to go home.
The genie takes the person back home with a snap of his finger.
Person 3: well it’s not too bad out here, I wish for a car door.
The genie gives the third person a car door.
Genie: You now have your wish but may I ask why you wanted a car door?
Person 3: well, if it gets too hot out, I can just roll the window down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epmevf/3_people_are_in_a_desert_and_a_genie_appears/
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So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?

No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epmdtc/so_doc_what_you_are_saying_is_i_should_touch/
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At the end of a job interview, the interviewer asks a young engineer from MIT, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

Engineer: Around $150,000 a year, depending on the benefits package
Interviewer: Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?
Engineer: WOW! Are you kidding?
Interviewer: Yeah, but you started it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epmdsk/at_the_end_of_a_job_interview_the_interviewer/
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A college professor is teaching a retirement class

He says “If you want to retire at 65, you are going to have to succeed early”
A Blonde woman stands up and says “Who’s Ceed”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epm8xn/a_college_professor_is_teaching_a_retirement_class/
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Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.

But it was just a Fanta sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epm72o/last_night_i_dreamed_i_was_swimming_in_an_ocean/
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The rare talking koala bear was lost in transit..

From Austrailia to the New York zoo. He wandered down a back alley and saw a sexy lady in heels and a short skirt smoking a cigarette.
She was shocked when he asked her for one of her cigarettes. "Omg you can talk?"
After talking she invited him inside and before she knew it he was up her skirt and performed cunnilingus in ways she could never have imagined. As soon as she had her last orgasm he scurried toward the door.
She called to stop him, "wait that'll be $100!" He looked at her confused. She said, "I am a prostitute" again a confused look. So she grabbed an old dictionary, flipped through the pages to P, "see right here, prostitute, someone who does sexual favors for money"
He responded, yeah but I am a koala Bear.
Confused she flips the pages back to K and reads, koala bear, little furry animal that eats bushes and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epm5hg/the_rare_talking_koala_bear_was_lost_in_transit/
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What do you call it when your virtual assistant misunderstands your request?

Dysalexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epm013/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_virtual_assistant/
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Who was the first Jedi?

Isaac Newton, he's the one who discovered the Force.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eplsof/who_was_the_first_jedi/
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Your ass says a lot about your personality

For instance, dumb-ass, smart-ass, crazy-ass, etc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eplpvl/your_ass_says_a_lot_about_your_personality/
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Mutual Masturbation

It's just beating around the bush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eplp1w/mutual_masturbation/
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When i die i want to go peacefully like my grandad

Not screaming like the passengers on his bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eplfb6/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_peacefully_like_my_grandad/
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Paddy got a job as a lumberjack

but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it", said the man in the shop. So he took the chainsaw and switched it on. "What's that noise?" said Paddy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eplc58/paddy_got_a_job_as_a_lumberjack/
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I'm so tired of jokes about gay people

I mean come on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epl4l4/im_so_tired_of_jokes_about_gay_people/
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A Blonde, Brunette, and a Black haired girl are running from the police.

So they run into a farm and split up.
The Black haired girl runs behind a cow,
the Brunette runs behind a pig, and the Blonde runs behind a sack of potatoes.
Night comes and the police eventually find the barn and and search it. One of policemen look through the cattle and shines a light at the cows.
The black hair just yells “MOOOOOOOOOO”.
The policeman thinks nothing of and moves to the pigs. The Brunette thinks quickly and tries to mimic the pigs and yells “Oink” “Oink”.
Once again, the policeman thinks nothing of it and moves on until he stubbles upon the sacks of potatoes. The Blonde in the best voice she can come up with yells “POTATOES POTATOES”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epl27y/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_black_haired_girl_are/
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The IRS has made a major announcement.

All Marijuana Dealers must file a joint tax return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epky4b/the_irs_has_made_a_major_announcement/
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After 20 years of sex in the dark, a wife finds out that her husband has been using a dildo on her this whole time.

Wife: “Explain the dildo asshole!”
Husband: “Explain the kids bitch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epkuyc/after_20_years_of_sex_in_the_dark_a_wife_finds/
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Why are London buses red?

You'd be red too if you had to come every 10 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epkis2/why_are_london_buses_red/
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I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job...

We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise.
Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?”
I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epk9r0/i_told_my_boss_three_companies_were_after_me_and/
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New HR policy

Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be allowed to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All workers who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but maybe SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received these will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
The management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our SHIT (Special High-Intensity Training). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.
If any employee feels that they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT that you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epk7ns/new_hr_policy/
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If you masturbate with your feet, you should get some help.

Things are obviously getting out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epk78x/if_you_masturbate_with_your_feet_you_should_get/
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My crush used to call me a math nerd.

I was 2² to ask her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epjxuk/my_crush_used_to_call_me_a_math_nerd/
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Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern
Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epjxpd/once_i_saw_this_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
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The Slapping lie Detector Robot

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epjwhc/the_slapping_lie_detector_robot/
%
Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuckline.
(Been at few weeks since this one made the rounds)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epjp7o/why_cant_dyslexics_tell_jokes/
%
Dalip Singh goes to the park

and lies down on a bench.
A few minutes later, a man comes there and asks him, "Are you relaxing?"
Dalip Singh: "No I am Dalip Singh."
Another man approaches him and asks him the same question, Dalip Singh gives the same reply.
When a third man approaches him and asks him the same question, he gets fed up and goes to the other side of the park.
There, he sees a man lying on a bench.
Dalip Singh asks him, "Are you Relak Singh."
Man: "Yes"
Dalip Singh: " Go there, they are looking for you! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epjnhu/dalip_singh_goes_to_the_park/
%
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to
pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?"
asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied,
*"Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epj7v8/a_man_suffered_a_serious_heart_attack_while/
%
What do redditors and easter eggs have in common?

They only come out once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epj46t/what_do_redditors_and_easter_eggs_have_in_common/
%
Walking and LEGO manuals are basically the same thing

There are to many steps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epiztn/walking_and_lego_manuals_are_basically_the_same/
%
What do you call someone who cosplays as Jesus?

A cross-dresser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epiwxt/what_do_you_call_someone_who_cosplays_as_jesus/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epiwxd/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
%
What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper ?

You don't know ? So it was YOU !!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epiods/whats_the_difference_between_a_shower_curtain_and/
%
A man goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf in his arse

Doctor says "no worries we can remove this easily"
Man replies "doc, this is just the tip of the iceberg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epio4f/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_with_a_lettuce_leaf_in/
%
How does a vampire orgasm?

He edraculates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epimyo/how_does_a_vampire_orgasm/
%
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.  They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.  Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,  "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epijoj/a_blonde_woman_asks_for_a_5000_loan/
%
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epigro/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_or_legs_in_a/
%
My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.

So instead, a subreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epigmy/my_teacher_always_starts_her_class_by_reading_one/
%
Kraft is planning on building a manufacturing plant in the Middle East.

They will call it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epifm0/kraft_is_planning_on_building_a_manufacturing/
%
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.

"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epidvv/when_i_was_getting_my_prostate_exam_i_asked_the/
%
There once was a group of ancient humans that casually roamed around aimlessly.

They were called the meanderthals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epi9we/there_once_was_a_group_of_ancient_humans_that/
%
Where do poor Italians live?

At the spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epi2xo/where_do_poor_italians_live/
%
My grandparents are from San Juan, Puerto Rico, but the rest of my family is European.

I guess that makes me Quarter-Rican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epi1ri/my_grandparents_are_from_san_juan_puerto_rico_but/
%
A plumber was called in to fix a leaky pipe in the library toilet.

As he worked, he made too much noise, and so the librarian asked him to pipe down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epi1j0/a_plumber_was_called_in_to_fix_a_leaky_pipe_in/
%
Putin's phone rings...

Hello?
Vladimir Vladimirovich, is it true, all the government has resigned?
Yes, it is true.
Vladimir Vladimirovich, does that mean I need to resign, too?
Not yet. You keep your job for now. I'll keep you posted.
Thank you, Vladimir Vladimirovich!
No problem, Donald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ephwup/putins_phone_rings/
%
What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ephtyl/what_should_you_do_if_you_come_across_a_tiger_in/
%
WHO CAN’T HEAR

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife’s hearing. The doctor says, “Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you.”
The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again “What’s for dinner?”
She turns around and says “For the THIRD time, beef stew!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ephfis/who_cant_hear/
%
What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An Investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ephda4/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
Why do cats stick one leg straight up in the air when they lick their anus?

Interviewer: No, I meant any questions about the job?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eph2qy/why_do_cats_stick_one_leg_straight_up_in_the_air/
%
A quick-witted man lives near an aloof woman

The woman literally talks to nobody and never changes her face.
One day, the man's friend challenged him, say"If you can use one word to make that woman smile, and one word to make her curse, I'll buy you a good lunch."
The wise man accepted the deal.
They went to the woman's house and found her standing by the door watching her dog playing in the garden.
The wise man suddenly kneed to the ground and yelled to the dog:" Dad! "
The woman burst into laughter.
And then he turned to the woman and cried:" Mom! "
The woman then cursed the shit out of that wise man.
(Translated from an ancient Chinese joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eph1j1/a_quickwitted_man_lives_near_an_aloof_woman/
%
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long.

He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epgwfr/i_once_asked_my_grandfather_how_hed_lived_so_long/
%
Finnish is such a beautiful language.

There's a word, Kalsarikännit, which basically means 'getting drunk in your underwear'. This tells you all you need to know about Finland, and my current state of affairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epguu3/finnish_is_such_a_beautiful_language/
%
So my friend Mike was telling me all about the car that he made out of wood...

I couldn't believe it, all wood!
Wooden door...
Wooden seats...
Wooden engine...
Wooden bloody work...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epgkr9/so_my_friend_mike_was_telling_me_all_about_the/
%
The M4 motorway walks into a bar...

The M4 motorway walks into a bar.
"Oi, barman, I'm the M4 motorway. 500,000 cars drive over me every day, I'm hard as nails. Get me a drink" he orders.
The barman, rather surprised that a talking motorway has walked into his bar, pours him a whisky and he sits down at the table.
A few minutes later, a second motorway kicks open the door and walks in.
He says "I'm the M1. I have 900,000 vehicles drive over me every day. I make the M4 look like a child. I'm the hardest there is. Nobody can touch me. Now get me a fucking drink."
The barman, despite being rather unimpressed with being ordered around, pours him a beer and he sits down next to the M4.
The barman can hear the two motorways comparing their size and and arguing over who is the toughest, when the door swings open again.
In walks a small, narrow, piece of red tarmac. Both the M4 and M1 shut up immediately and stare down at their drinks, too terrified to look up.
Confused, the barman asks "what's the matter guys? Just now, you two were telling me how tough you are and how there is nobody harder, but now you're both staring down at your drinks too scared to look up..?"
The motorways look up and say "We're not messing with him. Nobody ever does. He's a cycle path."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epgbx0/the_m4_motorway_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first man says “I’ll have H2O please.”
The bartender replies “Sure thing, and you?”
The second man says “I’ll have H2O aswell please.”
The bartender turns around and mutters to himself “Dammit, I’ll get him next time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epg5xb/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole.

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said “honey, he just wanted to see your knickers.”
The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said “I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole.” Again she agrees and climbs.
She goes home and tells her mother “mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear my knickers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epg559/a_boy_paid_a_girl_10_to_climb_a_flagpole/
%
A blonde, brunette, and redhead just robbed a bank.

They see the police cars are approaching so they escape to the back alleyway. There they discovered 3 big sacks. One sack full of kittens, one full of puppies, and the last one full of potatoes. They each get into a sack, hoping the cops won't notice them. A police officer checks the alley and sees the 3 sacks. He kicked the sack of kittens and the redhead said, "Meow meow!" He kicked the sack of puppies and the brunette said, "Woof woof!" Then he kicked the sack of potatoes and the blonde said, "POHTAYTOOEE."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epg457/a_blonde_brunette_and_redhead_just_robbed_a_bank/
%
A man is driving at a rainy night when one of his tire gets punctured

He stops under the only street light right infront of an asylum, trying to change his tire. With the corner of his eye, he notices a man is watching him from his cell. He doesn't pay attention and keeps changing his tire.
Since his hands were wet from heavy rain, he drops 3 bolts out of 4 into the sewer. He just gives up and leans on his car and after a few seconds, the man in the cell calls to him saying "Hey buddy, if you wanna make it to thr closest workshop, you should unscrew 1 bolt out of each tire and put them on you temporary one. It should be enough for a while".
The man seems so confused because he wasn't expecting to get such a logical advice from a man in an asylum cell. He shouts back "That's pretty smart man, how did you end up there?"
And the man in the cell says "Well they put the crazy ones here, not the stupid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epg3t4/a_man_is_driving_at_a_rainy_night_when_one_of_his/
%
Warrior: "I swear, I will have revenge for the death of my brother!"

Elf: "You have my bow!"
Dwarf: "And my axe!"
Necromancer: "And your brother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epg2kz/warrior_i_swear_i_will_have_revenge_for_the_death/
%
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epfxbz/a_doctor_accidentally_prescribes_his_patient_a/
%
Here’s a short, funny story:

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...
The doorman stops them and says “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epfsi3/heres_a_short_funny_story/
%
A man decides he wants to put a hit out on his wife...

So he checks the dark web and finds a hit man who goes only by the name of Artie. The man and Artie meet up to discus the job, and Artie asks for payment upfront.
“Well,” says the man, “I put every bit of money I have into my wife’s life insurance policy, so I only have one dollar on me at the moment. But once the job is done and the insurance comes through, you’ll get the rest of the money.”
Artie reluctantly agrees, and follows the wife to the grocery store that afternoon. As she is looking at vegetables alone in the produce aisle, Artie sneaks up behind the wife and strangles her with his bare hands.
Suddenly, he hears a gasp. He turns to see a grocer looking like a deer in headlights. Artie quickly runs over and strangles the grocer, but at this point he’s drawn a crowd. He is arrested and carted off to jail.
The next day, the man is wondering why Artie hasn’t contacted him to make arrangements to get paid. He walks outside to pick up the paper and spits his coffee out when he sees the headline.
“ARTIE CHOKES AT KROGER, TWO FOR A DOLLAR”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epfp3n/a_man_decides_he_wants_to_put_a_hit_out_on_his/
%
A man goes to the funeral of a close friend

He greets the widow and says “mind if I say a word?”
She replies “please do”
The man clears his throat and says “bargain”
With tears in her eyes, the widow says “thank you, that means a great deal”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epfnmg/a_man_goes_to_the_funeral_of_a_close_friend/
%
A boxer used to do coke on his bocing gloves after winning.

That was the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epfm5l/a_boxer_used_to_do_coke_on_his_bocing_gloves/
%
I decided to bake every letter of the alphabet, when my first pastry gained sentience. It was very excited to be able to think and reason.

I guess it's a happy caked A for me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epfkr4/i_decided_to_bake_every_letter_of_the_alphabet/
%
I came home the other day and discovered I'd been robbed.

Fortunately for me, the burglar only took my lamps. Needless to say I was de-lighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epfkjx/i_came_home_the_other_day_and_discovered_id_been/
%
I like my coffee like a like my slaves

Free!
you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epf5fm/i_like_my_coffee_like_a_like_my_slaves/
%
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The
man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some butt-
hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his
sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so
he ..........added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the
other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think
on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
" Georgia , sir." the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Georgia ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players
down there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Georgia ."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epf49s/a_man_walked_into_the_produce_section_of_his/
%
How did the blonde break her arm while raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epf404/how_did_the_blonde_break_her_arm_while_raking/
%
What’s the difference between a child and an omelette?

Only one is made with a fertilized egg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epf0tu/whats_the_difference_between_a_child_and_an/
%
My toddlers Favorite joke:

kid: One of us is secretly an owl!
me: Who?
kid: It’s you!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epeuio/my_toddlers_favorite_joke/
%
Sandwiches $5, Handjobs $10

Guy walks into a bar, sees a sign that says  “Sandwiches $5 Handjobs $10”. He looks at the bartender and asks “you’re the one gives the handjobs?”
“Yup”
“Well wash your hands and go make me a sandwich”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epessx/sandwiches_5_handjobs_10/
%
My coworker is in the hospital after eating a medium-well cooked cheeseburger

It was my cheeseburger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epent8/my_coworker_is_in_the_hospital_after_eating_a/
%
Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.
The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in here." The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." Skeptical, the manager asks, "your guide dog is a doberman?" The man replies, "you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars." The manager lets him through.
The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, "sir, you can't bring your dog in here." The man replies, "you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a chihuahua?"
The man, quick to think, says, "a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epejyd/two_guys_are_walking_down_the_road_with_their/
%
An elderly couple is arguing about which one of them has the worst memory.

\- You have the worst memory - says the wife.
\- No, you forget everything all the time! - says the husband.
\- Well, test me, and I'll show you my memory is as good a new - challenges the wife.
\- Ok then, - answers the husband - go to the kitchen now and bring me two scoops of ice cream, one chocolate, one vanilla,  in a  bowl, with whipped cream, chocolate shavings and a cherry on top. Do you think you can remember that?
\- Of course, that's easy. I'll show ya - says the wife as she's heading to the kitchen.
She comes back 30 minutes later with a hot dog and a side of fries and she proudly puts it in front of him.
\- There ya go, you old geezer. I told you I would remember!!
\- Ha! - he chuckles - you totally forgot!
\- What did I forget - she asks defiantly.
\- I told you to put mustard on the hot dog!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epeen3/an_elderly_couple_is_arguing_about_which_one_of/
%
Where do people in Egypt go for physical therapy?

To the Cairo-practor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epealv/where_do_people_in_egypt_go_for_physical_therapy/
%
A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers
"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he broke a dude's jaw and his two arms. He is blond too. Are you sure you wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man takes a minute to think about that, turns on his barchair and says
"OK, FINE... I won't tell the joke... I don't have the time to explain that joke at least three times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epe69w/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar_and_asks_the_barkeeper/
%
Some bastard broke into my house and stole all of my lamps

I am not angry, I am delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epdz1f/some_bastard_broke_into_my_house_and_stole_all_of/
%
The Nurse Asked My Family's Medical History Today at the Doc's Office

Nurse:    "Do you have siblings?"
Me:         "Yes, a younger brother.
Nurse:    "Does he have any medical issues?"
Me:         "He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight."
Nurse:    "Oh, okay.  Anything else?"
Me:         "He's battling hemorrhoids."
Nurse:   "I'm sure he'll be interested to know that's now in your medical chart."
Me:         "I doubt it, he sent me and folks he works with a photo."
Me:         "Do you want to include the photo in my chart?"
Nurse;    "No, that's not necessary."
Nurse:    "Is your father still alive?"
Me:         "Nope, he died in 2008."
Nurse:    "What happened to him?"
Me:         "Drove off an embankment and plunged into a river 50 feet below."
Nurse:    "That sounds dreadful."
Me:         "Coroner said he died peacefully in his sleep.  It wasn't so peaceful for the other three people in the car with him though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epdy1z/the_nurse_asked_my_familys_medical_history_today/
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Two atoms are walking down the street and one says "I think I just lost an electron".

The other atom says "you sure"?
The first atom says "yeah, I'm positive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epdfyn/two_atoms_are_walking_down_the_street_and_one/
%
I make yogurt in my spare time...

You could say I'm a man of culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epderz/i_make_yogurt_in_my_spare_time/
%
I left my sandwich in the elevator at work.

I wanted to take my lunch to the next level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epd4u6/i_left_my_sandwich_in_the_elevator_at_work/
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A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.
-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?
-Well, says the director, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. If they answer it correctly, then they are cured and are free to go.
The director gathers three patients for a demonstration.
-So, resident one, what is six times six?
-One thousand? -says resident one.
-Well no, that's another year here for you.
The director proceeds to ask the second patient the same question.
-Well, the answer is February.
-My God... No, no it isn't. You are staying here one more year.
Finally, the director asks the question to the third patient.
-What is six times six?
-Obviously it 36.
The director cheers the third patient and proceeds to comunicate the asylum staff he is ready to leave. The new guy asks the patient before he leaves:
-Good job answering correctly. How did you know it?
-Well, it was easy. I divided one thousand by February

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epd2eg/a_new_guy_starts_working_at_the_local_mental/
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I bought a new deodorant yesterday.

The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom"
It hurt like hell, but now my farts smell great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epczf1/i_bought_a_new_deodorant_yesterday/
%
A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students.

She explains that humans are the only animals that can stutter.
A little girl in the back raises her hand and says "No ma'am I had a cat who stuttered."
The teacher knowing how precious these stories could be asked her to explain.
The little girl stands up and says " Well we had this big tabby cat that liked to annoy the rottweiler next door and one day the rottweiler got lose and jumped the fence. My cat said fff, fff, fff, but before she could finish saying fuck the rottweiler ate her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epcydm/a_teacher_is_explaining_biology_to_her_3rd_grade/
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A dad was washing his car with his son

After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epcx0e/a_dad_was_washing_his_car_with_his_son/
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Rushing to the hospital, the paramedic asks the man, "Can you describe the snake that bit you?"

"Yes, it was like an angry rope"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epcv11/rushing_to_the_hospital_the_paramedic_asks_the/
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A Sheep, A Blonde, and A Snake fall over...

....Baaa Dumb, Tsss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epcruw/a_sheep_a_blonde_and_a_snake_fall_over/
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[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"
She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"
I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epciai/nsfw_i_took_a_girl_back_to_my_place_last_night/
%
Did you hear about the ozone layer?

[depleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epcgjs/did_you_hear_about_the_ozone_layer/
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I like my women like I like my golf game

In the mid 80’s with a slight handicap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epcg4g/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_golf_game/
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I used to bang a set of twins...

People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epcf80/i_used_to_bang_a_set_of_twins/
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I like my women the way I like my coffee...

Ground up, and in the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epceg2/i_like_my_women_the_way_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Dad, can you tell me what an eclipse is?

No son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epc2u1/dad_can_you_tell_me_what_an_eclipse_is/
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Willpower

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented vanilla or lemon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epc03y/willpower/
%
I man is walking down the street and passes a pet shop.

He notices in the window a parrot going for cheap. He enters the shop and asks why the price was so low.
The chap told him the bird used to be in a local brothel waiting room.
The man takes a chance and buys it. He takes it home and removes the cover to which the parrot says " hello there sir! Is there anything i can help with today?" the man is amazed at how polite the bird is.
His wife then returns from work and the parrot says "hello there madam! Lovely day isn't it? Is there anything I can help you with!" the lady is amazed and asked her husband where it came from! He says "well I got it cheap, it used to be in a brothel"
The daughter then returns home and the parrot says " elo Sarah".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epbpma/i_man_is_walking_down_the_street_and_passes_a_pet/
%
A space bar walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says "You gotta help me, Doc!"

The doctor replies, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I constantly feel depressed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epbjss/a_space_bar_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_and/
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Doctor Doctor, I Feel like a dog.

Doctor: Hop up on the Bed and ill examine you.
Patient: No.
Doctor: Why Not?
Patient: I'm not allowed on the furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epbjre/doctor_doctor_i_feel_like_a_dog/
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Oldie but a goldie

A man who drank alot was told by his wife "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you". Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank alot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend "If I go home like this my wife will leave me".
His friend said "I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill.".
He goes home and his wife's angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving but he says "No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill".
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money.
"Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?"
"Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epbivq/oldie_but_a_goldie/
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A couple of years ago

one night I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped ,fell over and broke a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph that well, don't even remember where he was from if I'm honest, but lets say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
He got a big shard of glass in his eye making him blind in one eye, he had to walk around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for months. Then suddenly he disappeared along with my girlfriend, apparently they bonded during the time after his injuries. They eloped, left me behind without even a note. I tried to track them down but couldn't.
In conclusion,  if hadn't been for cotton eyed Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago.
Where did you come from, where did you go? where did you come from cotton eyed Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epbg53/a_couple_of_years_ago/
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The jokes section on Reddit reminds me of the brilliant work of a perfect A+ student I went to High School with

But only in the sense that literally everything he ever wrote was plagiarized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epbe93/the_jokes_section_on_reddit_reminds_me_of_the/
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A guy walks into an antique store with a small wooden box

"My Granddaddy found this in the flotsam of a Nazi sub they sank off the coast of Hatteras."  He opened up the box to reveal a finely made typwriter-like machine with 4 wheels set in it.  "What do you reckon it is?"  He asked the store   owner.
"Why sir, that is an enigma."
"Damn! No one around here knows anything!  They kept saying that at the last three stores I took it!" and he stormed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epaytd/a_guy_walks_into_an_antique_store_with_a_small/
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Q: What's the last part of the body to die?

A: The pupils, they dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epasid/q_whats_the_last_part_of_the_body_to_die/
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Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes, we arson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epamt7/dad_are_we_pyromaniacs/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee.

Hot and all over my crotch when I'm driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epam9y/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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I tried to write with a broken pencil...

...but it was pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epakls/i_tried_to_write_with_a_broken_pencil/
%
My wife hates it when I tell her that she's just like her mother

Especially when we're having sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epakjy/my_wife_hates_it_when_i_tell_her_that_shes_just/
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Patient: every day I feel more and more like a cartoon rabbit

**Doctor:** you have a bad case of updoc
**Patient:** what’s updoc?
**Doctor:** this is more serious than I thought

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epaij5/patient_every_day_i_feel_more_and_more_like_a/
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What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?

You won't cry when you're cutting up the hooker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epagnr/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_an_onion/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epafor/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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I’ve been with the same woman for five years!!!

She still doesn’t know I live in her attic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epadx4/ive_been_with_the_same_woman_for_five_years/
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Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and he says...

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epa9xy/two_fish_are_swimming_in_a_river_when_one_of_them/
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Do you know how to distinguish an alligator from a crocodile?

By paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epa8j0/do_you_know_how_to_distinguish_an_alligator_from/
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When I go to someone's home and they tell me to make myself at home...

The first thing I do is kick them out because I don't like visitors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epa75q/when_i_go_to_someones_home_and_they_tell_me_to/
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[NSFW] Jeffery Epstein visited the US Virgin Islands with 12 of his closest friends...

They then left quickly when they learned  the territory is over 100 years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/epa6bl/nsfw_jeffery_epstein_visited_the_us_virgin/
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Justice is best served cold.

Because if it was served warm, it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep9lra/justice_is_best_served_cold/
%
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo

i had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep9jq9/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_impersonating_a_flamingo/
%
A german was peeing in a street in New York...

... and a lady looks at him and says:
'Gross.'
To which the German replies:
'Danke!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep9gha/a_german_was_peeing_in_a_street_in_new_york/
%
I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today...

My accountant said it would be a sound investment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep9eci/i_purchased_1000_in_bose_stock_today/
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Little Johnny

So, little Johnny is at his grandparents house and he sees his grandfather drinking some beer and asks if he can have some. His grandfather then asks, can your dick touch your asshole? Little Johnny responds no and his grandfather tells him that he can have some beer when it can. The next day little Johnny’s grandma made him some cookies. His  grandfather walks in and  asks if he can some. Little Johnny then asks, can your dick touch your asshole? His grandfather responds yes and little Johnny said, well then go fuck yourself these are my cookies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep99zr/little_johnny/
%
What should you know if you want to become a lion tamer?

More than the lion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep90xp/what_should_you_know_if_you_want_to_become_a_lion/
%
Grammar tells us, " 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' "...

But science tells us otherwise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep901s/grammar_tells_us_i_before_e_except_after_c/
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He's been playing. She's been played.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One afternoon, they took off for her house where they made love for hours. Exhausted from the wild sex, they feel asleep, awakening at 8:00 P.M. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she complied. He then slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. The man replied, "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep8wj1/hes_been_playing_shes_been_played/
%
Vladimir Putin and Dmitri Medvedev go into a restaurant...

They sit and read the menu, which is meat entres with sides offered, such as seasonal veggies, steamed cauliflower, home fries, etc. A waitress approaches.
"Can I take your order?"
Putin: "I will order the steak."
"And what about the vegetable?"
Putin: "The vegetable will also have steak."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep8vhl/vladimir_putin_and_dmitri_medvedev_go_into_a/
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Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

“Well son, you see, your mom really likes Easter, and so we used an anagram of that to name your sister.”
“Got it, thanks Dad!”
“No problem, Alan.”
[Just heard this from a colleague, apologies in advance if this is a repost in this sub]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep8tf2/dad_why_is_my_sister_named_teresa/
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6+(6*9)+9=

69

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep8o79/6699/
%
Johnny's last day at work

Johnny has worked for Exploit Inc for 40 Years. On top of a bad company culture, he had one of the worst boss you could ever imagine. Despite being a manager himself, everyday he had to bring coffee to his boss. The company never wanted to pay for a lift so he had to climb up two levels of stairs. And the boss demands that the cup be filled to the brim.
But Johnny never complained. He was always happy and smiling. Every day the boss had his coffee cup full as he demanded.
So on Johnny's last day at work, the boss asked him how the hell he was happy and smiling while he was making his life hard and miserable. And how is it that he had the patience to climb up the stairs with a full cup everyday.
Johnny replied ' Every morning I fill your cup full as you order me. Before climbing up the stairs, I take a good sip and on top of the stairs, I spit it back in the cup. And this makes me feel good for the whole day.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep8nn0/johnnys_last_day_at_work/
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If classical composers of old were alive and listened to some of the music that's popular today, they'd all complain....

Except Beethoven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep8ezk/if_classical_composers_of_old_were_alive_and/
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A horse walks into a bar...

They bartender says "hey!"
The horse says "you read my mind!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep8e1b/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I used to like Mitch Hedberg.

I still do, but I used to, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep8b24/i_used_to_like_mitch_hedberg/
%
Vladimir Lenin found a magic lap. Upon rubbing it, a genie pop'ed out and offered him three wishes:

Vlad: I want to return to my country!
Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.
Vlad: I want my message to be heard by me people!
Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.
Vlad: I want to lead my people to revolution!
Genie: Soviet! Replied the Genie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep885s/vladimir_lenin_found_a_magic_lap_upon_rubbing_it/
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Chicken walks into a bar

Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep85te/chicken_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I strongly believe in karma. What you do to others you'll get back eventually.

So the other week i was pouring ravioli down my neighbours letterbox. And I kept thinking - I wonder what thev've done to deserve this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep7cl6/i_strongly_believe_in_karma_what_you_do_to_others/
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The other day I got into an accident with a garbage truck.

It was such a waste of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep7bxx/the_other_day_i_got_into_an_accident_with_a/
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Doing nothing is very hard to do.

you never know when you're finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep715y/doing_nothing_is_very_hard_to_do/
%
A car battery and a box of fireworks were hanging out when they were arrested for loitering

The police charged the battery and let the fireworks off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep70cr/a_car_battery_and_a_box_of_fireworks_were_hanging/
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Did the dinosaur era actually exist?

You bet Jurassic did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep6y8o/did_the_dinosaur_era_actually_exist/
%
Long title

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I was using my hand whilst thinking of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep6ttd/long_title/
%
What do you call a dog with no arms or legs?

It doesn't matter it won't come anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep6o4j/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_arms_or_legs/
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If a woman has sex with a lot of men people call her a slut, but if a guy does it...

They call him gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep6mj4/if_a_woman_has_sex_with_a_lot_of_men_people_call/
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An old man went to the store.

An old man in the USSR walked to the store to buy meat only to find out there is none left. He flies into a rage, screaming about how horrible and idiotic communism is. Overhearing the raging old man, a KGB spook walks up to him explaining to him to calm down, adding; "Do not forget what happened to dissidents like you back in the past.” while making a gun gesture with his hand.  Later that day, the old man returns to his apartment, empty-handed.
His wife starred at him then asked, "They're out of meat?"
The old man laughed then replied; “It’s worse than you think... They've managed to run out of bullets too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep6fza/an_old_man_went_to_the_store/
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A blonde woman goes to buy a lottery ticket.

She has been buying tickets twice a day from the same store for the past 5 years. One day the cashier was a bit concerned and handed over to her a "Gambling Help" brochure.
&nbsp;
The lady kindly handed it back, "Boy, I know I haven't won much and that it's all based on luck. I don't need this guidebook or tips and tricks on how to win!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep6bsj/a_blonde_woman_goes_to_buy_a_lottery_ticket/
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What's the difference between Hitler and Usain bolt

Usain can actually Finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep69ww/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_usain_bolt/
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A large sinkhole opens up on a small town road.

Many people fall into it and get hurt and it's difficult to get them all to the hospital.
The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree. It has little effect.
So the mayor gathers the council a second time. The second smartest councilor suggests they close the road between the hole and the hospital so the ambulance can ferry people faster. Everyone once again agrees and again it is of limited use.
Finally they gather for a third time to take drastic measures. The third smartest councilor says they need to tear down the hospital and rebuild it next to the hole.
Finally the mayor can't take it anymore. He slams his fist on the table and yells:
"You idiots! Do you know how much moving the hospital will cost?! There's an obvious and easy solution to this problem! We fill in the hole. Then we dig a new one next to the hospital!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep66yh/a_large_sinkhole_opens_up_on_a_small_town_road/
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Why was the 4 year old antivax kid crying

Because he was having a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep66xo/why_was_the_4_year_old_antivax_kid_crying/
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Two wrongs don’t make a right

But two rights make a U-turn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep64pj/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
%
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never let a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep621c/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.

The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle.
They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years," said the man.
After spending a few days on the island, the man realized that he was unlikely ever to see a woman again. "From now on," he thought, "I will have to do it with my cow."
The man lowered his pants. He ran towards the cow. But the dog jumped onto the cow's back. He growled at the man. The man backed off. He put his pants back on. The dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away.
Again, the man lowered his pants. Again, he ran towards the cow. Again, the dog jumped onto the cow's back. Again, he growled at the man. Again, the man backed off. Again, he put his pants back on. Again, the dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away.
For the third time, the man lowered his pants. For the third time, he ran towards the cow. For the third time, the dog jumped onto the cow's back. For the third time, he growled at the man. For the third time, the man backed off. For the third time, he put his pants back on. For the third time, the dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away.
The man was about to lower his pants a fourth time, when a huge, hairy monster jumped out from behind a bush. The beast looked like a cross between a lion and a gorilla that was the size of an elephant. He chased the man and his companions through the jungle.
Finally, the monster had the man, the dog, and the cow cornered. The man closed his eyes and waited for the beast to kill him. Suddenly, he felt something grab him, and the next instant he was flying through the air.
When the man opened his eyes, he was sitting safely in a tree with a woman who was holding a vine. He figured that the woman must have rescued him. The woman swung back down on the vine and rescued the dog and even the cow, and carried them into the tree. Then she jumped down from the tree and effortlessly killed the enormous monster.
After the woman lowered the other three from the tree, the man took a good look at her. She was completely naked, and very beautiful. She also had some pretty impressive muscles, which somehow made her even more beautiful. The man was so stunned, all he could say was, "You...you saved our lives."
"Were you on a cruise?" she asked. "Yes," said the man. "So was I," said the woman. "When I was five years old, I was on a cruise with my family. Then the ship sank, and I was the only one to survive. I swam to this island, and it wasn't long before I had my first narrow escape from one of those huge monsters. I had to make myself strong in order to survive here."
"You are the first human I have seen in fifteen years, and I would be willing to do anything for you."
The man looked at the beautiful, naked woman with a sly grin on his face. "Anything?" he asked. "Oh, yes!" said the woman.
"In that case," said the man, "would you take my dog here for a walk?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep5jpr/a_man_a_dog_and_a_cow_were_on_a_cruise_when_their/
%
Justice is best served cold

Because if it were served warm it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep5f8r/justice_is_best_served_cold/
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Companies are bragging about making plants taste like meat....

...Cows have been doing that forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep593q/companies_are_bragging_about_making_plants_taste/
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What do furries and scientists have in common?

They both love being inside a lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep57y4/what_do_furries_and_scientists_have_in_common/
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Justice is best served cold

Because if it was served warm it would be justwater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep57bm/justice_is_best_served_cold/
%
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep56zh/a_blonde_calls_her_boyfriend_and_says_please_come/
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What do you call boxers that cant last in the ring?

Briefs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep53wt/what_do_you_call_boxers_that_cant_last_in_the_ring/
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After a romantic dinner, a couple cuddled up for some discussion

Husband: Am I the only one you've been with?
Wife: Yeah, the rest were eight or nine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep4tal/after_a_romantic_dinner_a_couple_cuddled_up_for/
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I used to sleep with this German chick and every time we had sex she used to rate me....

I used to average about five or six, Then one day I stuck it in her ass without telling her and she started screaming “NINE, NINE, NINE”
that was the highest rating I ever got..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep4t8f/i_used_to_sleep_with_this_german_chick_and_every/
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What do we say to the God of Procrastination?

Not Today!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep4nbk/what_do_we_say_to_the_god_of_procrastination/
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As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity...
But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep4ilo/as_i_regained_consciousness_from_last_nights_car/
%
What do French people smoke?

Oui'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep4hje/what_do_french_people_smoke/
%
Relationships are like farts

If you have to force them, they're crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep4g1p/relationships_are_like_farts/
%
Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping

at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his phone.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn’t afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I’m in the guitar shop next door to that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep4d4z/husband_and_wife_are_christmas_shopping/
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A reporter is interviewing a millionare

Reporter:how did you became a millionare?
Millionare: All of this is because of my wife, she helps me a lot
Reporter: Then what were you when u haven't met ur wife
Millionare: A billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep4708/a_reporter_is_interviewing_a_millionare/
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Warrior: I will get the bloody revenge for the death of my brother!

Elf: My bow will be with you!
Gnome: And my axe!
Necromancer: AND YOUR BROTHER!
Everybody: .........
Warrior: Fuck, didn't I ask you not to?.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep3zle/warrior_i_will_get_the_bloody_revenge_for_the/
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A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.
And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"
And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"
And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this."
And she agrees.
That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats belowdeck.
He brings her a blanket, and some food,
and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn.
But.
After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection belowdecks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats
And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear.
"WHAT are you doing here, madam??"
And she tells all, "I...I'm a stowaway! I have an...arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food."
"And?" says the captain
"And...well. He's screwing me."
and the captain says,
"He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep3yus/a_young_lady_jobless_and_spurned_by_her_lover/
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A man goes in to the doctor's office to cancel an appointment.

Lady at the desk tells him that it's a $200 charge for cancelling without one week notice.
Guy asks how much does it cost to reschedule and the lady says it's free.
"Ok so I need to reschedule for two weeks out"
"Is three weeks ok?"
"Perfect"
"Alright, you're set for three weeks from now. Anything else I can do for you?"
"Yes. I need to cancel my appointment."
"We need a week's notice."
"My appointment is three weeks away."
"Oh. Okay. Sure"
"Bless your heart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep3hrm/a_man_goes_in_to_the_doctors_office_to_cancel_an/
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Harry Potter cant find the difference between his cooking pot from his best friend,

They're both cauldron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep33l9/harry_potter_cant_find_the_difference_between_his/
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A man goes running on the beach every morning. (Nsfw)

So there's this guy and every morning he goes for a run on the beach.
One day he sees a woman, with no arms and no legs just lying in the sand and crying.
So he walks up to her and asks what's wrong and she says
" well all my life, nobody has ever given me a hug."
So he's just like "fuck it, i'll give you a hug!"
He gives her a hug, she's ecstatic, and he goes on his way.
The next morning the same man, running on the same beach, sees the same woman and she's crying again.
"What's the matter today, honey?"
"Well you see, all through my life i've never been kissed"
So he gives her a kiss, she's happy again, and he goes on his way.
On the third day, the man sees her again and once again she's crying. Getting sick of this he walks up to her and says
"What's the matter today?"
She looks up at him sheepishly
"Well, all through my life... i've never been fucked."
He thinks to himself for a moment...
"Okay" he says and her eyes light up.
He picks the woman up and starts walking to the edge of the water and then hurls her into the ocean.
"THERE, NOW YOU'RE FUCKED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep2wf6/a_man_goes_running_on_the_beach_every_morning_nsfw/
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Where do you find giant snails?

On giant's fingers
I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep26i8/where_do_you_find_giant_snails/
%
What do the stock market and my ex have in common?

Theyre both doing really well and all my friends are in them except me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep21fa/what_do_the_stock_market_and_my_ex_have_in_common/
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Me: Man I want to be rich someday, just like my uncle.

Friend: Your uncle is rich?
Me: No, but he also wants to be rich someday.
Thanks to u/Jayer244

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep1uc0/me_man_i_want_to_be_rich_someday_just_like_my/
%
A snake walks into a bar

The bartender asks "How the hell did you do that ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep1t3o/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep1s2j/i_called_my_wife_and_told_her_that_ill_pick_up/
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Why is 2 such a romantic number?

Because it's <3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep1qgg/why_is_2_such_a_romantic_number/
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3 guys are on top of a cliff

admiring the view, then god comes down to them and says "jump down this cliff and shout out what you want the most and you will find it on the bottom"
The first guy jumps and shouts "5 pound notes!". He land safely in a large pile of 5 pound notes at the bottom.
The second guy jumps and shouts "10 pound notes!". He lands safely in a large pile of 10 pound notes at the bottom.
The last guy is looking down and thinking of what he should wish for, but then he trips and falls down shouting "aww shit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep1k53/3_guys_are_on_top_of_a_cliff/
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A dollar !

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to one of his customers, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters from the barber instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game will be over!” :P :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep1gxp/a_dollar/
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My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it...

Him: Knock Knock
Me: Who’s there?
Him: Howard
Me: Howard who?
Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change?
This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep1g0f/my_grandfather_who_used_to_tell_me_knock_knock/
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Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”

Because every show has a cast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep17w6/why_do_we_tell_actors_to_break_a_leg/
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What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?

They were sole mates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep16wy/what_did_they_say_about_the_couple_who_had_the/
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My boyfriend has the same name as my brother.

So when we fuck and I scream his name, I remember my boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep14z0/my_boyfriend_has_the_same_name_as_my_brother/
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I went to a topless Amish bar last night.

No bonnets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep0y4q/i_went_to_a_topless_amish_bar_last_night/
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”
“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.
“Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep0sxp/a_couple_lived_near_the_ocean_and_used_to_walk/
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I'll see myself out

I walked over to someone that was upset and and said, "Bargain". They said, "Thank you, that means a great deal".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep0rsh/ill_see_myself_out/
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I don't like talking to myself

She's really mean.
*Credit goes to my girlfriend for this one*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep0q39/i_dont_like_talking_to_myself/
%
I was playing a flight sim yesterday and suddenly my game started running really slowly, which was very annoying

I hate jet lag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep0m2h/i_was_playing_a_flight_sim_yesterday_and_suddenly/
%
I drank a bottle of food coloring.

I dyed a little on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep0kow/i_drank_a_bottle_of_food_coloring/
%
I bought some shoes off a drug dealer yesterday

I’m not sure what he laced them up with but I’ve been tripping on them all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep0jb3/i_bought_some_shoes_off_a_drug_dealer_yesterday/
%
Why do Scubadivers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep0hig/why_do_scubadivers_fall_backwards_out_of_the_boat/
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An indian lady visited a bar for the first time,

She sat at the table in front of the bar tender,
A guy at her left side ordered : "Jack Daniels , Single"
A guy at her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker , Single"
The bar tender looked at the lady and asked : "And you..?"
The lady replied : "Meenachi shockalingam , Married"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep0g97/an_indian_lady_visited_a_bar_for_the_first_time/
%
My therapist says I have an irrational fear of large buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep09xv/my_therapist_says_i_have_an_irrational_fear_of/
%
Why is a cock like a Nintendo cartridge?

Because when they stop working halfway through, you have to pull them out and blow them before you can put them back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep08pe/why_is_a_cock_like_a_nintendo_cartridge/
%
I Found a Book Called How to Solve 50% of your Problems.

So I Bought Two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ep06pr/i_found_a_book_called_how_to_solve_50_of_your/
%
My wife is a cyclops

She’s the one eye adore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eozv6r/my_wife_is_a_cyclops/
%
A grasshopper walks into a bar...

The bartender says:
“Hey! We have a drink named after you!!”
The grasshopper says:
“You have a drink named STEVE?!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eozumq/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying "this isn't working"

but the TV works perfectly fine and I can't get a hold of her now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoztku/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_tv_saying_this/
%
A son asked his dad one day

Son: "dad, what's the difference between concept and reality?"
The dad thought for a while, then called for his wife and asked her
Dad: "honey, if a man offered you a million dollars to fuck him, would you do it?"
The wife excitingly replied: "yes! That's a huge sum of money and we could use that to pay off the house"
Then the dad called for his 16yo daughter and asked her the same question.
The daughter thought for a while then answered: "yes, because that's a lot of money and i could use it to get whatever i want"
The dad smiled, looked to his son and said: "see son? In concept we have 2 million dollars, but in reality, we have 2 fucking whores living under our roof"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eozt4m/a_son_asked_his_dad_one_day/
%
One man said to the other:

Man 1: “The correct measurement of speed is km/h”
Man 2: “No it’s knot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eozpey/one_man_said_to_the_other/
%
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."
But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoz8wz/i_was_sitting_on_the_train_this_morning_opposite/
%
I'll never forget my grandad's final words.

Stop shaking the ladder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoz6nw/ill_never_forget_my_grandads_final_words/
%
Stephen King's son is named Joe.

I'm not joking. But he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoz4rf/stephen_kings_son_is_named_joe/
%
I lent a girl an umbrella yesterday

Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoz337/i_lent_a_girl_an_umbrella_yesterday/
%
The local ice cream man was just found dead, covered in sprinkles, raspberry sauce and chopped nuts

Turns out he topped himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoz0kh/the_local_ice_cream_man_was_just_found_dead/
%
A polar bear walks into a bar.

He walks up to the bartender and says “I’d like a seven and............................... seven.”
The bartender says, “What’s with the big pause?”
The polar bear says, “I don’t know, I was born with them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoyo4d/a_polar_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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[OC] Did you hear about the serial killer going around killing good-looking people?

It's good to know we're safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoxxkn/oc_did_you_hear_about_the_serial_killer_going/
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Did you hear about the guy who got the shit kicked out of him after he made fun of that Crews guy from Brooklyn Nine-Nine?

He died of dissin' Terry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoxsdo/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_the_shit/
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It takes guts to be an organ donor,

but it takes balls to be a semen donor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoxnvx/it_takes_guts_to_be_an_organ_donor/
%
why do french eat snails?

they don't like fast food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoxni5/why_do_french_eat_snails/
%
Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoxiwy/why_are_blonde_jokes_so_short/
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Why did Skim Milk marry 2% Milk?

They knew their child would be in the 1%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoxdpy/why_did_skim_milk_marry_2_milk/
%
Bus stops are kind of my fetish.

It's just how I get off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eox5l5/bus_stops_are_kind_of_my_fetish/
%
A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink.

As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”
He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eowwpy/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_after_a_long_day_at_work/
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Joke from my 3 year old daughter

I was putting my daughter to bed tonight and she told me she had a joke for me.
What kind of bat knows the A, B, Cs?
The alphaBAT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eowtul/joke_from_my_3_year_old_daughter/
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I'm allergic to peanuts

If I'm even in the same room as Snoopy my face starts to swell up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eownik/im_allergic_to_peanuts/
%
Why do orphans go to church?

so they have someone to call father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eowjhw/why_do_orphans_go_to_church/
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Little Johnny comes home after first day of fifth grade

His mama said, "What'd you do today, Johnny?"
He said, "Well , we did some history, some math... oh, and I had sex with my English teacher."
His mom blew up. "You get to your room right now and you wait till your father gets home!"
About five his dad gets home and says, "Your mother told me you had sex with your English teacher today. Is that right?"
Little Johnny said, "Yes dad, it's true."
Dad said, "Alright! That's my boy!! I'm gonna take you downtown and get you the biggest ice cream we can find! Then we're gonna go get that new bicycle you've been wanting!"
Johnny says, "Gee dad, can you make it a video game instead? My ass is sore as hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eowbjk/little_johnny_comes_home_after_first_day_of_fifth/
%
After a long time I told my hot coworker how I felt

It turns out she felt the same way so I turned on the air conditioning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eowaa0/after_a_long_time_i_told_my_hot_coworker_how_i/
%
In the morning, I used to use one of those automatic things that makes you coffee, but it made this horrible screeching noise in your ear.

So I divorced her and bought myself a coffee maker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eow8eq/in_the_morning_i_used_to_use_one_of_those/
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Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy..... you just hoped nobody found out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eow787/life_before_the_computer/
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I went to a bookstore and asked for a book on turtles.

I went to the bookstore and asked for a book on turtles.
“Hardback”? the salesman asked.
“Yes” I replied “with little heads”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eow77x/i_went_to_a_bookstore_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
%
If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8 Ball, you can see the future.

Trust me, my friend Keith did it once and said he was gonna die and he did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eow6kf/if_you_drink_the_blue_liquid_from_a_magic_8_ball/
%
Honestly I think English is a bloody stupid language

but it's what it's I guess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eow4ro/honestly_i_think_english_is_a_bloody_stupid/
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A Carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eovrwf/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
It's better to be thought a Karen

Than to ask for a manager and remove all doubt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eovriy/its_better_to_be_thought_a_karen/
%
How do anime fans afford their hobbies?

They bring home 6 figures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eovk9n/how_do_anime_fans_afford_their_hobbies/
%
So, Gwyneth Paltrow is making vagina scented candles now...

Presumably because since Chris Martin left, she misses the smell of a cunt around the house?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eovk18/so_gwyneth_paltrow_is_making_vagina_scented/
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My son asked me if a dick and balls were the same thing.

I had to explain that there was a vas deferens between the two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eovji8/my_son_asked_me_if_a_dick_and_balls_were_the_same/
%
What sort of mint do anarchists hate?

Governmint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eov6ji/what_sort_of_mint_do_anarchists_hate/
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I'm starting to get worried about the hotel I booked

I have my reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eov3td/im_starting_to_get_worried_about_the_hotel_i/
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How do you make 30 old ladies yell “Fuck!”?

Have one old lady yell “BINGO!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoutwx/how_do_you_make_30_old_ladies_yell_fuck/
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What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eouqk4/what_do_you_call_someone_who_refuses_to_fart_in/
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An old gambler was called by the irs and told he owed $5000

So the old man went to see the irs agent with his lawyer. The reason he owed so much was too much money was moving between his accounts. He told the agent he was a gambling man and that’s why he moved money around so much. He asked the agent “are you a gambling man?cause I am. “ the agent said “yeah I like to gamble from time to time” so the man said “I bet you 5000 dollars I can keep my eye on this document while still staring you straight in the eye” the agent took the bet and the man took out his glass eye and laid it right on the papers and just stared at the irs agent.  After that the old man said “ok now I’ll bet you another $5000 that I can take a piss right in that trash can from where I’m sitting.”  The agent said “I’ll take that bet.” The trash can was a good 20 ft away. Well the old man whipped out his pecker and peed all over the deal and the agent and the office, not a bit made it into the can. Everyone was laughing except the irs agent and he asked “what’s so funny you just lost the bet? You still owe me the $5000.”  Than the lawyer finally speaks up and says “this guy bet me $15000 on the way here that he’d piss all over you and your desk and office.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eouplu/an_old_gambler_was_called_by_the_irs_and_told_he/
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I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.

It called glazed and confused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eouluw/im_opening_a_dispensary_that_sells_weed_and/
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A woman and her baby..

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoukf9/a_woman_and_her_baby/
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What did the T-Rex with herpes get?

Dinosores

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoudc8/what_did_the_trex_with_herpes_get/
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New Party Trick! I swallow two pieces of string and 20 minutes later they come out tied together

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoucrv/new_party_trick_i_swallow_two_pieces_of_string/
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Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.
One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.
The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.
Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”
And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoub7y/jock_the_painter_often_would_thin_his_paint_so_it/
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Did you hear the one about the runner with a 12 inch penis?

It's a real knee-slapper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eou8k7/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_runner_with_a_12/
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If you ever drop a volcano rock on your foot...

...You'll Krakatoa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eou6oc/if_you_ever_drop_a_volcano_rock_on_your_foot/
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Whats the difference between a Ferrari and Depression?

I don't have the Ferrari

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eou4ck/whats_the_difference_between_a_ferrari_and/
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There are two kinds of people:

1) Those who can extrapolate information from existing data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eou2en/there_are_two_kinds_of_people/
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Smoking causes cancer. Bacon causes cancer.

But smoking bacon will cure it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eotz15/smoking_causes_cancer_bacon_causes_cancer/
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Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He missed a colon, she missed a period, and they both hated contractions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eotyok/why_did_the_strict_grammar_teachers_break_up/
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Astromers got tired of watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours...

so they decided to call it a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eotsqv/astromers_got_tired_of_watching_the_moon_go/
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An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on the office’s annual ‘Take your kid to work day’.

As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky. Her father asked her what was wrong?
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eotsqr/an_eightyearold_girl_went_to_the_office_with_her/
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Karma means I can be mean to people having a clear clear conscience: they probably deserved it.

Every time I make this joke, something bad happens to me the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eots76/karma_means_i_can_be_mean_to_people_having_a/
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A kid walks out in a Tortoise costume,why are you wearing that costume?”

Mother: why are you wearing that costume?
Kid: I’m going to that costume party
Mother: isn’t that next year?
Kid: yeah, but I’m a Tortoise...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eotii6/a_kid_walks_out_in_a_tortoise_costumewhy_are_you/
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Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?

Because baggers can’t be choosers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eotaxx/why_must_the_grocery_store_workers_let_the/
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How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eosyuh/how_many_emo_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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How does German bread say hello?

Gluten tag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eosxlk/how_does_german_bread_say_hello/
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I'm thinking about selling my Theremin...

I haven't touched it in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoswo4/im_thinking_about_selling_my_theremin/
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What has 100 legs and seven teeth?

The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eosqxg/what_has_100_legs_and_seven_teeth/
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What do you call a daddy that used to be a mommy?

Transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eosn4w/what_do_you_call_a_daddy_that_used_to_be_a_mommy/
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What do Mars and Oklahoma have in common?

A lotta red dirt and no signs of intelligent life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eosm39/what_do_mars_and_oklahoma_have_in_common/
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Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,
"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward the hills, knowing he may be leaving his beloved city forever. When on top of the hills, he looks back, just to have one last look at his beloved city. To his surprise he sees a big cloud of dust coming towards him.
He waits and soon can make out the shapes of a horseman coming toward him as fast as the poor animal can manage.
When the horseman is closer, he can finally see it is none other than his best friend Micheal.
Michael stops his horse, still panting "you gave me the wrong keys".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eosb9p/brave_knight_edward_is_going_to_crusade/
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Maybe if the grass on my front lawn had depression

It would cut itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eos4xa/maybe_if_the_grass_on_my_front_lawn_had_depression/
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A blond, brunette and red head are all in the delivery room ready to give birth.

The doctor walks in and goes the the brunette and asks how she prefers to have sex.
When she replies "missionary" he guesses she'll have a boy. A few minutes later, the baby is born and it's a boy.
Then the doctor steps up to the red head and asks how she prefers to have sex.
When she replies "cowboy" he guesses she'll have a girl. A few minutes later, the baby is born and it's a girl.
The doctor then steps over to the blond who's crying uncontrollably. The doctor, all concerned asked her what's wrong.
After a few minutes she collects herself long enough to explain she's afraid she's going to have puppies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eos1s2/a_blond_brunette_and_red_head_are_all_in_the/
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What's the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eorx77/whats_the_worst_thing_a_woman_can_hear_after/
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The Nazis party can be separated into 3 things

Sodium Zinc and sulphur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eortrx/the_nazis_party_can_be_separated_into_3_things/
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Legless Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any legs."What happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm defective."
"Wow," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." says the parrot.
"OK! Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" the guy asks.
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my penis around the perch like a hook.  You can't see it because of my feathers."
"You really can understand me can't you?" says the guy.
"Actually, I speak Spanish and English, I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy, you name it.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
"Sorry, but I just can't afford $2500 for a bird, no matter how interesting he is."
"I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get for less, just make an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting and is a great companion.  The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered mail today, your wife greeted him in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT?" the guy asks."THEN what happened?"
"The postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes, then he continued taking off the nightie! , got on his knees and began kissing her all over"
The guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoron4/legless_parrot/
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A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the  bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you!  You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're  about to start something."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoriv5/a_bra_car_battery_and_some_jumper_cables_walk/
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On a perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice?

So... Can I come inside?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eor471/on_a_perfect_date_what_question_do_you_ask_a_girl/
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.
"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eor2av/several_centuries_ago_the_pope_decreed_that_all/
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I have tons of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoqvcw/i_have_tons_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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If you get a link called "free p0rn" don't opin it.

It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and fcuks up you riting.
I receibed it but lukily I don't wach p0rn so I dint opin it.
Plees warm you frends
Wanks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoqrvy/if_you_get_a_link_called_free_p0rn_dont_opin_it/
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Religious parrots

"Father, I have a problem.  I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over:  "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution.  "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.  Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job.  My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner." "Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house.  As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding Rosary beads and praying.  Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them.  After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,  "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoqkzn/religious_parrots/
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoqi2d/sometimes_i_tuck_my_knees_into_my_chest_and_lean/
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I arranged a threesome last night

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoqhpk/i_arranged_a_threesome_last_night/
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What’s tighter than a dead virgin?

My alibi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoq8uo/whats_tighter_than_a_dead_virgin/
%
A Roman walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”

The bartender asks “Don’t you mean a martini?”
In response the Roman says “If I wanted a double I’d have asked for it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eopvye/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_ill_have_a/
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A stutterer's wife was getting annoyed of his stutter...

So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said:
"Pull down your pants."
"W-why?"
"Just do it."
"O-ok."
"There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do a surgery to take a bit of your penis of if you want to talk normaly."
"O-ok t-then."
After the surgery he gets home and says:
"Hello honey, what is the dinner?"
"Wow you can speak normally!"
"Yes just had to take of a bit of my penis."
"WHAT? GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL AND TELL THEM TO REVERT YHE SURGERY!"
At the hospital the man speaks to the doctor:
"My wife wants you to revert the surgery."
"T-that w-will n-not b-be p-possible."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoph4x/a_stutterers_wife_was_getting_annoyed_of_his/
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What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eopb37/what_do_you_do_if_a_blonde_throws_a_grenade_at_you/
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This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoot3q/this_man_went_out_with_the_boys_and_told_his_wife/
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Knock Knock

Who is there?
Baby Yoda
Baby yoda who?
Baby yoda one for me.
(I checked to see if this was a repost, could not find. Hope it made you smile)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eooqc3/knock_knock/
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A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.
So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?" The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoooq3/a_little_old_lady_wanted_to_join_a_biker_club/
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Did you hear about the guy who went deaf?

Because he didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eool7c/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_went_deaf/
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My math teacher told me my IQ is pretty average.

Now that's just mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoojrl/my_math_teacher_told_me_my_iq_is_pretty_average/
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My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoohka/my_teenage_daughter_came_home_in_a_rage/
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Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoob7x/someone_threw_a_beer_at_president_trump_during/
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How loang does it take an english wifey tae dae a shite

Aboot nine months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoob57/how_loang_does_it_take_an_english_wifey_tae_dae_a/
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What's the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

"I'm not Willie Nelson"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoo8kd/whats_the_worst_thing_a_woman_can_hear_after/
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Caught speeding

Cop pulls over a man for speeding, says "I clocked you doing 60 in a 25. Wanna tell me why you were speeding?"
Guy says, "Yeah, I was trying to get home real quick so I could shoot up this heroin from my glove compartment. But before that I gotta get rid of the gun in the back seat, and the dead body in my trunk."
Cop calls other officers and the sheriff for backup, and they search his car for two hours and can't find anything he mentioned.
Sheriff comes to the guy and says "We're so sorry, our officer told us that we'd find drugs, guns, and a dead body in your car, and we came up empty.
Guy says "Yeah, I bet that son of a bitch told you I was speeding too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoo7s6/caught_speeding/
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What do you call a guy elbow deep in a horse?

An Amish mechanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoo3dh/what_do_you_call_a_guy_elbow_deep_in_a_horse/
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What kind of jewelry does a person with tinnitus wear?

Earrings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eonzde/what_kind_of_jewelry_does_a_person_with_tinnitus/
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You get what you paid for

So a little girl is walking on the sidewalk, a car stops and a man says "come in the car, I'll give you candy" the girl says "  no, I'll walk"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll take you home, I'll give you a whole bag of chocolate" the girl says "no, I'll just walk home"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll give you a bag of toys, iPad and money" and the girld says "NO dad! YOU wanted the damn Dacia, now leave me alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eonvlz/you_get_what_you_paid_for/
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A guy was working in a sewer

When he stuck his head out to steal looks at all the women walking above him.
His coworker saw him, got upset and yelled to him, "get your head back in the gutter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eonugh/a_guy_was_working_in_a_sewer/
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."  He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backward, too".
Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."  Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery,
"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eonpjk/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
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Why are all pirates sopranos?

They love to hit the high Cs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eonjrb/why_are_all_pirates_sopranos/
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Someone stole my thesaurus.

I'm so angry.  Really angry.  Just so angry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eonh51/someone_stole_my_thesaurus/
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My mom loves me so much she thinks I'm made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and carbon.

She's always calling me  Au Ti S Ti C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eomvog/my_mom_loves_me_so_much_she_thinks_im_made_of/
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I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, "Hi Darlin', I'd love to get into your pants!"

She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eomkb5/i_approached_a_woman_in_a_bar_and_seductively/
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Did you see where someone threw a beer at the President last at the game last night?

It was a draft though, so he dodged it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eomiw4/did_you_see_where_someone_threw_a_beer_at_the/
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What is your perspective on cyclops?

If things don’t work out with the wife, I think I’ll look for a nice, one-eyed girl.
I think I’d be more sexually compatible with someone who has little to no depth perception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eome6c/what_is_your_perspective_on_cyclops/
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What does a pirate and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both want to get their hands on a dead person’s booty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eomdyl/what_does_a_pirate_and_a_necrophiliac_have_in/
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Why did the student eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eom8ra/why_did_the_student_eat_his_homework/
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Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office, knitting to pass the time.

The first one pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and take one. The other two ask what it was.
She says, "Calcium. Strong bones for baby and mommy!"
Satisfied, they all return to their knitting.
A few minutes later, the second one pulls out a bottle of pills and takes one. Again, the other two inquire.
"Vitamins. Good for mommy, good for baby!"
The three women return to their knitting.
Before long, the third brings out a bottle of pills and pops one. "What was that?"
"Thalidomide. I fucked up the sleeves of the sweater."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eom7pe/three_pregnant_women_are_sitting_in_the_waiting/
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What do you call a row of trucks hauling nachos?

A cheesy pickup line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eolxi1/what_do_you_call_a_row_of_trucks_hauling_nachos/
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A redditor walks into a bar

He tries to tell a joke but everyone is talking about Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eolq5l/a_redditor_walks_into_a_bar/
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How many redditors does it take to make a good joke?

A million: 1 to make the joke, and 999,999 to repost it every fucking day for the next century.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eolp9d/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_make_a_good/
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A Man Walks Into a Job Interview

Interviewer : Why haven't you been employed for 3 years?
Candidate : I was in Yale.
Interviewer : Great! You're hired!
Candidate : Thanks, I really needed this yob!
Interviewer : 0\_0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eolnzn/a_man_walks_into_a_job_interview/
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What's the difference between a quilled mammal and your "practice tree?"

One's a porcupine, the other's a pine you pork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eolnsy/whats_the_difference_between_a_quilled_mammal_and/
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What do you call four guys jumping into a pool?

Sinking the 8 balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoln9t/what_do_you_call_four_guys_jumping_into_a_pool/
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I was walking in the park the other day when I saw an old couple feeding the birds.

That's when I wondered... How long have they been dead?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoll7d/i_was_walking_in_the_park_the_other_day_when_i/
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How did Jesus stay in shape?

Pontious Pilates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoljhw/how_did_jesus_stay_in_shape/
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What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig

The F.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eolhjh/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eolfl7/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
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Which band had a hit single with “Jive Talkin’”?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eola4u/which_band_had_a_hit_single_with_jive_talkin/
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Where do unvaccinated kids like to play?

The plague-ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eol457/where_do_unvaccinated_kids_like_to_play/
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I've opened up a restaurant called "Karma"

There is no menu, you get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eol2qw/ive_opened_up_a_restaurant_called_karma/
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You’re fired.

“You’re fired”
*turns in gun and badge*
“You’re a waiter where did you get those”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eol1fv/youre_fired/
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A priest has a moment of weakness. He decides to go to a brothel.

Being a faithful servant of the lord until recently, he's overwhelmed.  He sees one lady named destiny and immediately falls in love.
She's repulsed by him though, they just did not mesh.
The father leaves and returns the next day with flowers but destiny still will not have anything to do with him.
He does this for a week, constantly upping the scale of his gifts.
Finally on the 7th day, the madame of the brothel greets the father and has a word with him.
"father" she says "you can't change destiny, have faith".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eol09t/a_priest_has_a_moment_of_weakness_he_decides_to/
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How do you think the unthinkable ?

With an Itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eokzzw/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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Three men find themselves at the pearly gates.

The first one approaches Saint peter. "Welcome to heaven's highways my friend" Peter says, "let me ask you, have you ever committed adultery or cheated on your spouse?". The first man admits there was one woman he had dated a while ago, but he apologized to his wife and ended it pretty quickly. Peter says: "Oh well, at least you were honest, you will get the BMW". So the guy gets into his new BMW and drives off.
The second man walks up to Peter. "Welcome to heaven's highways my friend" Peter says again, "let me ask you, have you ever committed adultery or cheated on your spouse?". The second man starts crying. He had, multiple times in fact. But he regrets all of it. Peter sees this and says to him: "Well, you have been a very bad husband, but at least you show some remorse. You'll get this old VW Golf". After some struggle to get the car running, the second man also drives off into the distance.
The third man, having seen what happened to the guys in front of him, walks up to Peter and says: "Peter, let me tell you, I have never had sex with anyone but my wife, in fact I didn't even as much as think of other women." Peter is amazed and says: "That's what I like to hear my friend. You will get this brand new Porsche!". The man is super happy, gets into is Porsche and drives off.
Some time later, they all meet again at a service station. The two men with the BMW and the VW Golf just walk out of a restaurant when they spot the third man with his Porsche. He's crying. So they walk up to him and ask: "What's wrong? You've been a faithful husband so Peter gave you this super expensive car and the left lane is essentially yours, why are you crying?" He says: "I saw my wife back there on the highway" The two guys are confused: "But that's awesome! Now you two can live together happily ever after!"
"No!", he says "She was riding a tricycle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eokznb/three_men_find_themselves_at_the_pearly_gates/
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love your Mum

The other night I went out with my work friends without telling my wife .. I thought I would only have one drink but then one drink became two and then three and then you know how it goes .. I arrived home around 3am stumbling in through our front door trying not to make a noise .. I made myself a ham and cheese toastie and scoffed it down on the way to our bedroom .. upon entering I heard snoring and figured that I would be in big trouble for turning up so late so I slipped my head under the sheets and started kissing her feet and then her knees and then her thighs as passionately as I could in my drunken state and then found the special spot between her legs where I kissed her selflessly to climax as she shivered and moaned and then I kissed her to climax again until she shuddered until she moaned and rolled over to sleep again rubbing my head .. so very pleased with my prowess and the erotic dreams that I had administered I proceeded to make my way to the guest room .. exempt from any wrong doing .. I stumbled as I walked and slowly pushed the guest room door open .. I must have kicked something and it crashed in the dark and my wife flicked the lights on and loudly whispered, " shhhh, you'll wake up your mother, she is in our bed ! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eokvqa/love_your_mum/
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One

How many time travelers does it take to ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eokso5/one/
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A large blond convention was held.

A large blonde convention was held to prove once and for all that blondes are not so dumb after all. The auditorium filled with thousands of blond haired spectators. The brightest blonde was selected to answer some simple math questions.
The host asked her “what is 2+2?”
The blonde replied “5”.
The host replied “sorry, that is not correct.”
Immediately the audience erupted, and began chanting in unison “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”
“Ok fine,” the host said “what is 1+1?”
“3.”
“Wrong again.”
“GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”.
“Ok, what is 0+0?”.
“0.”
“GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoko2t/a_large_blond_convention_was_held/
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Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eokkpq/today_my_son_asked_can_i_have_a_book_mark_and_i/
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Knock knock...

Who’s there?
The interrupting cow...
The interr—
Moooooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eokipe/knock_knock/
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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.” ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
She smiles and says, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
“Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh…can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak.
He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eokak8/an_old_lady_is_rocking_away_the_last_of_her_days/
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Why was the pallet having a bad day?

He got all jacked up the night before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eok7mc/why_was_the_pallet_having_a_bad_day/
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Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me

He obviously never been smacked in the balls with a concise Oxford English Dictionary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eok7j0/whoever_said_sticks_and_stones_may_break_my_bones/
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I don't understand the opposition to same sex marriage.

Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eok5nv/i_dont_understand_the_opposition_to_same_sex/
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Knock knock. Who’s there? Iran.

Iran who?
Iran all the way here. Let me in already!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eok4sa/knock_knock_whos_there_iran/
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What did Michelangelo say to Donatello when he saw a new sculpture being displayed in the museum?

Was statue?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eok1y8/what_did_michelangelo_say_to_donatello_when_he/
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I haven't spoken to my wife in three weeks,

I don't want to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eojxf7/i_havent_spoken_to_my_wife_in_three_weeks/
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No one likes to watch disgusting and degrading porn

More than I do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eojsg0/no_one_likes_to_watch_disgusting_and_degrading/
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Once I was using washroom and the lights went off

I got so scared that I pooped myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eojms5/once_i_was_using_washroom_and_the_lights_went_off/
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The internet connection in my farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eojiil/the_internet_connection_in_my_farm_was_really/
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I’m particularly fond of left handed gloves

on the other hand however...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoj910/im_particularly_fond_of_left_handed_gloves/
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What’s Green and smells like bacon?

Kermits finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoj8lw/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
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my doctor gave me 3 months to live

so i killed him and the judge gave me 30 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoj4ej/my_doctor_gave_me_3_months_to_live/
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Last night 2 robbers robbed my house, but all they took was soap.

Dirty bastards, cops said they got away clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoj21k/last_night_2_robbers_robbed_my_house_but_all_they/
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Whats brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoj1v5/whats_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
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Why was the blonde girl to happy after she finished the Jigsaw puzzle in 6 hours?

Because on the box it says ''From 3 to 5 years''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoj11f/why_was_the_blonde_girl_to_happy_after_she/
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"Everytime I drink my coffee, my eye hurts."

Those were the words I said to my doctor.
He then instructed me to prepare a coffee, like how I always did.
I poured hot water into the cup. Added the coffee, sugar then the creamer. Stirred a few times, then took a sip. My eye hurt.
He then said "try removing the teaspoon before drinking. It's poking your eyeball."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoiydt/everytime_i_drink_my_coffee_my_eye_hurts/
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Normal wolves: Awooo!

Anime wolves: Uwuuu!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoivh0/normal_wolves_awooo/
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Have you guys heard of that new anime about a jedi who grants wishes?

Kawaii Gone Djinn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoittg/have_you_guys_heard_of_that_new_anime_about_a/
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A farmer was sitting by a tree with his horse

As his wife approaches she's irritated and nagging about something and just as she stands there the horse kicks her and kills her on the spot.
A funeral is held and afterwards everybody comes up to the widower one by one shaking his hand and saying a few words. The priest notices how the widower shakes his head to all the men and nods to all the women.
When they're all done, the priest goes up to him and asks him what that was about. The widower says: "well, the women said they're sorry and says their condolences. The men asked if the horse was for sale".
Sorry of its a repost. Can't seem to find the original text.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoisqz/a_farmer_was_sitting_by_a_tree_with_his_horse/
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I went to a cannibal orgy the other day

It was first cum first served

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoiomc/i_went_to_a_cannibal_orgy_the_other_day/
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And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”

But John came 5th and won a toaster.
This is my first post here. I hope this isn’t a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoioj4/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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“You’ve only seen the 1st, 3rd, and 5th seasons of Gilligan’s Island?”

“Yeah, I’m a Skipper.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoikod/youve_only_seen_the_1st_3rd_and_5th_seasons_of/
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So, I'm reading this book written in Braille...

I just know something terrible’s about to happen... I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoiaux/so_im_reading_this_book_written_in_braille/
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If I spread the influenza to a group of people

Does that make me an influen-cer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoi8x5/if_i_spread_the_influenza_to_a_group_of_people/
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The conductor is happy and determined on his first day of work.

He trained very hard for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eohw3h/the_conductor_is_happy_and_determined_on_his/
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Police were questioning a man after he murdered his wife after catching her in bed with another man,

they asked him why he didn't kill her lover instead; he replied "It was easier to kill one woman rather than a different man every week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eohv19/police_were_questioning_a_man_after_he_murdered/
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She told me...

She: I like brave and courageous men!
Me: You gained a lot of weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eohuz2/she_told_me/
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What do you call a trash can that is being negative...

A trash can’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eohuso/what_do_you_call_a_trash_can_that_is_being/
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[NSFW] I like my whiskey just like my women...

18 years old and locked in the basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eohht5/nsfw_i_like_my_whiskey_just_like_my_women/
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A man on a business trip in Spain decides to go to a bull fight.

After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.
The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gusto. When the waiter comes to his table, the man asks about the dish. "Oh Senor, that is the Matador Special," replies the waiter in broken English, "Our very best dish! Fresh vegetables, beans and zee cojones from zee bull. We get the cojones immediately after the bull fight. Exquisito!"
"Okay, that's what I'll have," says the businessman.
"But I am very sorry Senor, but that dish is only available once per day."
Disappointed, the man chooses another dish and plans to order the Matador Special the next day.
The next day the man goes to the bull fight again, and afterwards stops into the restaurant. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the Matador Special to a customer who got there before him. "Damn!" he says to himself. "And tomorrow's my last day here."
So the next day, he skips the bull fight, and arrives at the restaurant early. He is the first one seated, and proudly proclaims, "I'll have the Matador Special!"
"An excellent choice, Senor!" responds the waiter. Soon afterwards, the waiter brings out his dish, but the meat balls are disappointingly small, and taste rather foul.
"What's with this," the now angry man shouts, "I thought this was your premier dish!"
"I'm very sorry, Senor," said the waiter, "But you see, sometimes zee bull, he wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eohequ/a_man_on_a_business_trip_in_spain_decides_to_go/
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Russian soldier

The US and Russia have gone to war.  Several rowdy American soldiers have taken a Russian soldier as,a POW. After several days of failing to extract any useful intelligence, the soldier is told that if he can perform three tasks he will be set free but if he fails then he will face firing squad. 1st task behind curtain #1: drink an entire gallon of Russia's finest vodka in under an hour and remain conscious.  2nd task behind curtain #2: barehanded pull an abscessed tooth of a Siberian tiger.  3rd and final task behind curtain #3: sexually satisfy an angry 90 year old Russian woman.   He accepts and  sits down at a small table and begins drinking. At the end of an hour  he's staggering around, playing air guitar and bumming cigarettes off of of the US soldiers but he is conscious and the gallon is cashed. Amazed that he is still functioning at all the soldiers guide him over to curtain #2. They open the tiger cage door and shove him in. Within seconds  there's screaming and screeching and fur flying out from behind the curtain and then...everything goes quiet. Then to their utter astonishment the cage door swings open and he staggers out and says triumphantly "now, comrades, where's that old bitch with the bad tooth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eogs3z/russian_soldier/
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How do you stop a clown from smiling?

You throw an axe at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eogdrt/how_do_you_stop_a_clown_from_smiling/
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Too much cock..

A man goes to a doctor claiming his speech impediment is effecting his life, no one will hire him, no females will talk to him, no one wants to be his friend because of the way he talks and something needs to be done. The doctor curiously looks into the situation.
“Turns out your penis is too large and it’s pulling on your vocal chords sir, we can remove 9” of it and it should clear your problems speaking”, says the doctor. Flabbergasted, the man storms out of the doctors office in a huff. “Thh..th..the hell wih..wihh..with thaa Doctor.. i.. i.. need mm.mmmore th..than fuh.. four inches“
Years go by, and opportunity after opportunity seem to pass by because of his problem speaking, the man decides to undergo the surgery and contacts the doctor. The procedure was a success and the doctor was able to fix his vocal problems.
Two months after his surgery, he’s landed a career, a beautiful girlfriend, and things seem to be looking up for him. All the things he thought to be missing out on in life are happening around him.. BUT!! there’s this new regret building fast in the pit of his mind.
“I miss my big cock terribly, my girlfriend craves passion, my confidence is starting to fade. I need to change things and get my cock back” he remorsefully said to him self as he heads to the doctors.
He storms into the doctors office demanding his penis be re-lengthened. “Doctor change my penis back at once. I don’t care about the speech impediment I want my lonely life back with my big cock!!”. The doctor slowly stilts his eyes from the newspaper he is reading to the mans face. He casually sits back in his chair kicking his feet up and with a smirk on his face the doctor blurts out
“guh..guhh..get th..thh..the fuh..fuck out uh..uhh..of muh..muhh..my uhh..uh..uhh..office!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eog6g9/too_much_cock/
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eofzlo/whats_brown_and_sticky/
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People with synesthesia shouldn't usually get bothered when people swear a lot.

To them, everyone has colorful language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eofw18/people_with_synesthesia_shouldnt_usually_get/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that didn't find me attractive

They'd eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eofu9w/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_didnt_find/
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What's it called when a blonde colors their hair?

Artificial intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eofs0x/whats_it_called_when_a_blonde_colors_their_hair/
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The doctor gave me six months to live.

I shot him. The judge gave me twenty years. Problem solved.
(Not my original, just wanted to share)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eofpjy/the_doctor_gave_me_six_months_to_live/
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I was walking around when i saw two people beating up an innocent kid so I ran in to help out.

That kid didn't stand a chance against the 3 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eofmg4/i_was_walking_around_when_i_saw_two_people/
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How do you start a rave?

Throw a flashbang into an epileptic children ward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eofim8/how_do_you_start_a_rave/
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My wife told me she's sick of using the broom all day

I told her she should take the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eofbbv/my_wife_told_me_shes_sick_of_using_the_broom_all/
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A family walks into a hotel...

The father goes to the front desk and says:
"I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies:
"It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eofag8/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
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No Sex Tonight!

I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…”You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear; let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”
I then said “Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You’re just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently, no sex tonight either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eof6l2/no_sex_tonight/
%
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eof217/my_wife_threatened_to_divorce_me_when_i_said_i/
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I got this new recipe app. I am having issues with the security.

I want my password to be BeefStew, but the app keeps telling me it’s not stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoes1d/i_got_this_new_recipe_app_i_am_having_issues_with/
%
A Frenchman and an American are drinking on vacation and get into an argument over who is a better lover...

...so they agree to settle the debate with a contest: who can make love more times that night with their significant other.
The American and his girlfriend make their way back to their hotel room, he immediately proceeds to rip off his gf's clothes and have sex with her - and tallies a mark in the bed post.
One hour later, he's ready to go again, rips off her clothes, does the dirty deed, and tallies another mark on the bed post.
Both tired from the love making they fall asleep. In the middle of the night, the American awakens from his slumber, wakes up his gf, and one final time musters the strength to make love to her and marks the bed post a final time.
The frenchman knocks on the American man's hotel door in the morning, eager to see how he compared:
"111 times? God damn it beat me by 3!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoek4i/a_frenchman_and_an_american_are_drinking_on/
%
Do you know why Scuba divers fall backwards into water?

If they fall forward, they would still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoejp5/do_you_know_why_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_into/
%
What do you call a wingless fly?

A walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoehjk/what_do_you_call_a_wingless_fly/
%
I went to an Astros game and couldn’t find the restroom.

They stole all the signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoeejo/i_went_to_an_astros_game_and_couldnt_find_the/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoee6y/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Yo momma is so fat

That we are all extremely concerned for her health.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoe2dq/yo_momma_is_so_fat/
%
Did you hear silicon valley is seceding from the USA?

Theyre forming the USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoe1i6/did_you_hear_silicon_valley_is_seceding_from_the/
%
Why did Hitler only drink milk for breakfast?

He hated juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoe0w0/why_did_hitler_only_drink_milk_for_breakfast/
%
In India rats are celebrated...

but in Hungary they Budapest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eodpci/in_india_rats_are_celebrated/
%
I considered a career in fortune telling.

But, I couldn't see a future in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eodnwx/i_considered_a_career_in_fortune_telling/
%
What do you call a dead blonde in a cupboard?

Hide and Seek Champion: 2002.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eodi5y/what_do_you_call_a_dead_blonde_in_a_cupboard/
%
A girl buys a Parrot at a pet store

...unfortunately for her, the parrot is rude and foul mouthed. She tries everything to get the parrot to be more polite, but to no avail. One day, the girl has had enough and slams the parrot in the freezer, locking the door. Later, she hears frantic knocking and, feeling bad, decides to open the door and let it out. To her amazement, the parrot comes out quietly and behaves politely for the rest of the day. She is stunned and asks the parrot what happened. The parrot, with fear in it's eyes, just asks "What did the chicken do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eodhja/a_girl_buys_a_parrot_at_a_pet_store/
%
The bank robber

A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealingthe robbers face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak
Then, one old farmer named Bill from Missouri tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eodgok/the_bank_robber/
%
"don't worry.. " He said in a soothing calm voice "I'll be gentle". It was my first time...

"don't worry.. " He said in a soothing calm voice "I'll be gentle". It was my first time and I was so nervous. Fear rode me like a well versed Jockey. But people do it all the time right? It can't be that bad....
and that comfort and satisfaction at the end should be well worth any pain I receive now.
He smiled at me , trying to keep me calm before slowly pushing two fingers into the opening. The wetness surrounding his fingers
He poked and moved around until he hit that spot. My moan shower how much it affected me. That one sensitive place showed him exactly where he needed to work . He pushed harder and the small pain shot through me
F7ck I hate the dentist.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoddob/dont_worry_he_said_in_a_soothing_calm_voice_ill/
%
I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked

I don’t know what scared him more, the fact that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eodcrh/i_scared_the_mailman_today_by_coming_to_the_door/
%
my friend thought of a name for a dating app for old people

I've fallen for you and I cant get up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eodb8s/my_friend_thought_of_a_name_for_a_dating_app_for/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eod9ek/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
From my four and a half year old, while we're playing Minecraft together

"Do you know how to make the cows quiet daddy?"
Me: "I guess you just turn down the volume"
Him: "No, you press the moooot button!"
Good kid, good kid ... Made me laugh anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eod8e0/from_my_four_and_a_half_year_old_while_were/
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Proud of actually making my own joke for once (even if only makes me and my husband laugh...)

What's the difference between Prince Harry and Scotland?
Prince Harry was given permission to leave the UK ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eod61i/proud_of_actually_making_my_own_joke_for_once/
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A retelling of Cinderella

Cinderella was just told by her evil stepmother that she couldn't go to the ball.
Sitting in a corner, crying, she was surprised by the sudden appearance of her fairy godmother.
"What the hell are you crying for!?" she asked.
"Because I can't go to the ball! Everyone else gets to go, but I gotta stay here and clean this nasty assed house!" Cinderella replied.
"Well, hell, girl! That's why I'm here!"
The fairy godmother proceeded to make everything Cinderella would need to go to the ball, and included a diaphragm, just in case.
"Now, remember, everything goes back to what it was at midnight, so you might want to leave about 15-30 minutes", she warned.
"Ok", said Cinderella.
Cinderella left for the ball, and the fairy godmother started up at the house, waiting on her, figuring she'd be home early.
When the clock rang midnight, however, the fairy godmother became worried.
She started pacing around, watching the clock.  Finally, after 2 o'clock in the morning, Cinderella came staggering in, wearing her curtains and carrying the mice.
"What the hell!" asked the fairy godmother. "What happened!!??"
"I met the nicest man! We ate, drank, danced, and had the best time at the ball! replied Cinderella.
"What happened at midnight!?" asked the fairy godmother.
"We went back to his place, and, well, one thing let to another...."
"What happened when your diaphragm turned back into a pumpkin!??"
"Oh, he didn't seem to mind one bit!" replied Cinderella.
"Really!!? What was this man's name!" asked the fairy godmother.
"Peter, Peter something..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eod4fl/a_retelling_of_cinderella/
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My wife said I had a terrible sense of direction...

So I packed my bags and right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eod10a/my_wife_said_i_had_a_terrible_sense_of_direction/
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A blonde and a brunette are walking past a flower shop

And they see the brunettes boyfriend buying flowers. The brunette sighs, and says,
“Crap. Now I’ll probably be expected to lay on my back with my legs in the air all weekend.”
The blonde, dumbfounded, says,
“Don’t you have a vase to put the flowers in?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eocw65/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_walking_past_a_flower/
%
Wheelchair gang rise up.

Oh wait...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eocvr9/wheelchair_gang_rise_up/
%
Before surgery, my anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether oar situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoctga/before_surgery_my_anesthesiologist_offered_to/
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Kid: Yur moms gay!

Other kid: Really? If you're so sure, which one?
(First joke, I hope it's okay)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eocqfr/kid_yur_moms_gay/
%
I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
So I grabbed her tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eocita/i_woke_up_in_hospital_with_a_sexy_nurse_standing/
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How did Jesus get so shredded?

CrossFit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eocgsr/how_did_jesus_get_so_shredded/
%
a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde were walking through the woods.

They were making their way for quite some time, when all of a sudden, they stumbled upon a pair of mysterious tracks belonging to an animal they've never seen before.
The brunette gets down and takes a closer look. " you guys are silly, these are obviously deer tracks " she laughs.
The red head isn't so sure, so she gets down and takes a closer look. " you are completely mistaken " replies the red head, " these are bear tracks! ".
The blonde doesn't think that they are bear OR deer tracks, so she gets down to take a closer look.
But before she could say anything she gets hit by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eocekh/a_brunette_a_red_head_and_a_blonde_were_walking/
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What happens if you mix goat DNA and human DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoc0mb/what_happens_if_you_mix_goat_dna_and_human_dna/
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A horse walks into a bar

The barman asks - "Why the long face?"  chuckling slightly.
The horse, not being able to comprehend the human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoby9q/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?
Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..
Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eobovg/see_to_prove_im_not_some_boring_house_dad_i_went/
%
What's the difference between ten dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eobn09/whats_the_difference_between_ten_dicks_and_a_joke/
%
My wife hated the heater I bought

But she warmed up to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eobds1/my_wife_hated_the_heater_i_bought/
%
A boy and a girl met on a hill...

They both pulled their pants down and asked what “it” was. Neither of them knew, so they both went home.
The boy asked his father, who said “it’s a tractor. It goes into a barn.”
The girl asked her mother, who said “it’s a barn, made for a tractor”
The boy and the girl met on the hill again the next day...
The girl comes home with blood all over her hands. Her mother is very concerned “sweetie, what on earth! Why is there blood all over your hands???”
“We couldn’t get the tractor to fit, so we cut the wheels off”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eob7oh/a_boy_and_a_girl_met_on_a_hill/
%
Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eob3vp/some_people_refuse_to_admit_their_faults/
%
When I heard Justin Bieber has Lyme disease, I almost felt sorry for the annoying, creepy little parasite.

Can't say the same about Bieber though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eob2fj/when_i_heard_justin_bieber_has_lyme_disease_i/
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What do racers eat before a race?

Nothing they fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eob078/what_do_racers_eat_before_a_race/
%
Shout out to all my friends having an identity crisis

, You know who you are, I think?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoawyr/shout_out_to_all_my_friends_having_an_identity/
%
A man is away from home and has his house robbed...

He returns to find many of his things missing, including his favorite, a sizeable globe. He's sad over this, and does all he can to get it back, hoping the police find the culprit, checking local globe listings on the globe market to see if anyone's posted the pilfered planet. All to no avail. But one day, he sees it, leaving for work, a garage sale across the street catches his eye. Stitting there on a table, his long lost globe. He confronts the neighbor, stopping by on his way home.
"Hey man, you had a garage sale out earlier and I saw you had a globe up there."
"Oh, yeah, that old thing?"
"Yeah, I had a globe stolen from me a while back, and I feel like it could've been the one you had up on that table."
"Oh ok, well you can come see it, I'll give it to you if you think it's yours, what'd it look like again though? I get a lot of globes in."
"Uh... Like Earth, but it was on a wood stand, know what I mean?"
"I'm pretty sure I have something like that, is it this?"
He beckoned towards his living room and pointed to something on the table. There it was, unmistakably his globe.
"I'm gonna be honest" The vendor admitted, "I forgot what a globe was for a second there..."
"That's it! That's the one, it's been so long, I thought I'd never see it again" the man cried.
"Well there you go... It's a small world isn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoaq7t/a_man_is_away_from_home_and_has_his_house_robbed/
%
Did you hear about the pickpocket that robbed the midget"

Yeah, how could anyone stoop that low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoajtr/did_you_hear_about_the_pickpocket_that_robbed_the/
%
My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoagjh/my_head_chef_had_his_10_year_anniversary_in_work/
%
An upset older man calls his Doctor. NSFW

"Doctor Smith," it's Harold Renquist." "How can I help you today, Harold?" "It's my wife, doctor, my wife of 42 years, Ethel. I think she's dead."  "What do you mean you "think" she's dead?" asked the doctor.  "Well," said Harold, "the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up in the sink”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoafko/an_upset_older_man_calls_his_doctor_nsfw/
%
Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...

but they couldn't get past the first two bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoaef5/two_recovering_alcoholics_decided_to_write_a_song/
%
My friend asked me if I wanted to buy his kidney stones.

I said that's a hard pass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoabo0/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_buy_his_kidney/
%
What does a snail wear?

Escargot pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eoa1p7/what_does_a_snail_wear/
%
What do you call Frosty after he works out?

The Abdominal Snowman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo9pqh/what_do_you_call_frosty_after_he_works_out/
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My friend was skeptical about trying Viagra.

Now he’s a firm believer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo9f4z/my_friend_was_skeptical_about_trying_viagra/
%
I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward

Man being a teacher is hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo9bxp/i_wanna_try_asking_out_my_school_crush_but_it/
%
I went to the therapist for a narcissism problem

Now after 5 sessions I feel better than all of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo9ahu/i_went_to_the_therapist_for_a_narcissism_problem/
%
I like telling Dad jokes

He usually laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo90qf/i_like_telling_dad_jokes/
%
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money."
The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.
He stops the first driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow."
The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station."
He stops the second driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow."
The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station."
He stops the third driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow."
The driver says, "You crazy? That is a condom!"
The cop says, "You not drunk. You free to go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo8m5s/a_russian_cop_wants_to_get_a_breathalyzer/
%
What do you call a caveman that wanders around aimlessly?

A meander-thal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo7w8a/what_do_you_call_a_caveman_that_wanders_around/
%
A huge sinkhole has opened in America...

The authorities are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo7tzy/a_huge_sinkhole_has_opened_in_america/
%
People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence until they need something,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo7s8o/people_treat_me_like_a_god/
%
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up.
Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it.
The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!"
The rabbi says, "in my community, they recognize me by my face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo7ouv/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_very_good_friends_so/
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Where did the ice-cream man learn his trade?

At sundae school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo7mi9/where_did_the_icecream_man_learn_his_trade/
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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.
Chuckling to Himself about the State of the Car Jim decides to pull over and lend this poor Bloke a hand. After enquiring where the Problem is Jim offers to tow the Guy to the next workshop which the Fiat drivers graciously accepts.
So after talking things through with the Driver, Jim suggests the other guy get into his Fiat.  Before starting tho they agree that in case Jim is speeding the Driver in the Fiat should honk his horn and flash his lights so Jim would know when things are moving to fast for the Fiat driver. After all the Fiat driver is not used to the neckbreaking Speeds a Ferrari LaFerrari is capable off.
Once they got back on the 2 Lane Highway Jim was driving on the right line with a moderate Speed as suddenly:"Wroooom!!". A Bright Yellow Lamborghini blitzes past them while looking straight at Jim and poking fun at him.
Jim, obviously, wasn't having none of that Cocky Shit and hits the Pedal to The Metal as he begins rushing after the Lamborghini Driver.
After a While Jim catches up and the two of them go on to race their cars to the Maximum. Forcing their Cars engines to the absolute Brink as they race each other Head to Head.
They go on like that for a while until they pass a Police Trooper on speed control duty. The Officer witnessing the Race just feints and drops on His back. In Shock his Colleague ran over to check on him. After a bit the Officer regains his Conscience and his Partner asks Him WTF happened?
Officer:" Dude I've just seen a Ferrari And a Lamborghini speeding. They have booth been doing over 200 M/pH.!!". "Well..." the other Officer sighs.. "That's still no reason to pass out tho"?
"Well you haven't seen the Fiat 500 behind the two, honking his Horn and trying to get into the lead..."
P. S: If you've made it this far.. Hope you've enjoyed the joke albeit it's a long one! And also Apologies for my Bad English(not my first language) and also apologize for any Spelling/Formatting mistakes... Was typing this up on Mobile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo7kf0/fiat_vs_ferrari/
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My 9 year old daughter got me today...thought I'd share

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To visit the village idiot.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo7hkb/my_9_year_old_daughter_got_me_todaythought_id/
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I don't give money to homeless people because they will just spend it all on drugs and alcohol

And I need it for drugs and alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo7ec3/i_dont_give_money_to_homeless_people_because_they/
%
My doctor asked me if I abuse drugs and alcohol

I said "why would I abuse the two things I love more than anything"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo7dsw/my_doctor_asked_me_if_i_abuse_drugs_and_alcohol/
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What does a midget and a very short person have in common?

Very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo7dm4/what_does_a_midget_and_a_very_short_person_have/
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I had just finished my grocery shopping

When I came outside and saw the parking agent writing a ticket.
I said, - what are you writing that for? The car is within the lines.
-Too close to the fire hydrant.
-But it is within the lines, why can't you dumb parking monkeys mark the lot properly?
Slightly annoyed, the bastard went around the car inspecting it. - Gotcha, the tire on the front left side is too worn.
-You're not a police officer, you can't write tickets for that you little prick!
-Actually, we can. The law is several years old already.
-Oh shut up! You're just to incompetent to get into the police academy and now you're pretending to be a police officer.
This probably went on for half an hour; for every insult a new ticket was given. In the end I got tired. These kind of stupid parking officers and stupid parking laws are the reasons I'm never getting a car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo7dgg/i_had_just_finished_my_grocery_shopping/
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How do Scots find sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo7cqz/how_do_scots_find_sheep_in_tall_grass/
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Magician: Think of a card, any card.

Me: OK,
Magician: Have you got it?
Me: Yes.
Magician: 7 of spades.
Me: No.
Magician: Huh..? Well, what card were you thinking of then?
Me: Debit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo7acm/magician_think_of_a_card_any_card/
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I just got off the phone with Sea World...

They said my call may be used for training porpoises

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo73lg/i_just_got_off_the_phone_with_sea_world/
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What’s the difference between Jonestown and an incomplete joke?

One of them has a punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo6yi2/whats_the_difference_between_jonestown_and_an/
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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo6ti7/a_woman_in_her_forties_went_to_a_plastic_surgeon/
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"An Ode to Reddit," a poem by me.

We’ve all seen the joke that’s been goin' 'round Reddit,
The one with lame puns about “spreddit” and “shreddit.”
People assume that we’ll somehow forgeddit,
and then they repost it and act like they seddit.
We—the people—assume that they’ll eddit it,
find the original source and they’ll creddit it.
But alas, they don’t; but us Redditors leddit
continue and rise and evolve—we’ll regeddit
someday when we’re eating our Cheezits and breddit,
whiles sitting at home scrolling through Reddit threddits,
and all we see are these terrible puns.
And now, fellow Redditors, my rant is done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo6q99/an_ode_to_reddit_a_poem_by_me/
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I was in a band in the 90's called "Homeopathy"

We were a bit like Placebo but not as good.
Once we played at a festival, a bit unsuccessful because most of the crowd left to see the Cure instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo6n8k/i_was_in_a_band_in_the_90s_called_homeopathy/
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True story from an acquaintance from Zambia: Before I came to this country, I learned that the Zambian government would offer a stipend to any family with five or more children...

My wife and I had only four children.  When I found out about the stipend, I came to her and admitted that, years ago soon after we married, I had been with a woman in the mountains while traveling, and that I had a son with this woman that my wife never knew about.
After cursing me up and down, she finally agreed that, in consideration of the stipend, she would allow me to go to the mountains and bring my son to live with us.  So I went.
When we came back, my son said, "You told me I would have four brothers and sisters here but I only see two?  Where are the others?" My wife answered, "Their father came and took them home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo6lch/true_story_from_an_acquaintance_from_zambia/
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What did the German boy say to his mother when he pushed his brother off a cliff?

Look mother, no Hans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo6hpq/what_did_the_german_boy_say_to_his_mother_when_he/
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Oneday the Werewolf man comes home from work.

His wife asks him "Hi Honey, how was work" to which he replies, "Shut up, how can you ask me such a stupid question at this time of the night! ". Later that evening she asks him if he's hungry and wants to eat. He replies "Of course I want to eat! How can you ask me such a dumb question? I slave all day of course I want to eat!" Just before bed she asks if he's ready to turn in. He roars at her, "Yes of course! I'm tired from working all day and your stupid questions. I'm going to bed right now!" The wife looks outside of her window and sees a full moon. "Oh", she realises. "It's that time of the month again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo68bs/oneday_the_werewolf_man_comes_home_from_work/
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A penis and a rooster both share a common nickname...

Probably because they're both usually up before you are..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo65yt/a_penis_and_a_rooster_both_share_a_common_nickname/
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How much trash do you have to throw in the ocean to make a new country?

None, just some tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo61t0/how_much_trash_do_you_have_to_throw_in_the_ocean/
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A blonde got tired of blonde jokes...

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N," she answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo5yo0/a_blonde_got_tired_of_blonde_jokes/
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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves up to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You said she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo5xwi/a_flight_is_on_its_way_to_sydney_when_a_blonde_in/
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This guy had a trained parrot that swore a lot.

And he also had a lady friend coming over. So he warned the parrot not to cuss at her. In fact, he tied a ribbon to each of the parrot's legs and instructed him to pay the woman a compliment if she tugs on one of them.
So the lady comes over and sees the parrot. "What will happen if I tug on the left ribbon?" she asks.
"Try" says the guy.
She does and the parrot says: "You are very beautiful tonight."
"What will happen if I tug on the other one?" asks the woman.
"Try" says the guy.
So she does and the parrot says: "You look really nice in that dress."
The woman giggles playfully and says: "What will happen if I tug on both of them?"
The parrot says: "You'll rip me in half, you daft bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo5x1e/this_guy_had_a_trained_parrot_that_swore_a_lot/
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A blonde called up her boyfriend and said,

“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t for the life of me figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
He took her hand and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then. . .” he sighed, . . .“let’s put all of these Frosted Flakes back into the box.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo5wor/a_blonde_called_up_her_boyfriend_and_said/
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Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?

Noble gasses don't cause a reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo5t7a/why_did_nobody_laugh_when_the_king_farted/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are working on a construction site.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all working on a construction site, building a new skyscraper in London. It’s lunchtime and they’re all sat atop the building. Englishman opens up his lunchbox to see what his wife has packed him.
“Ugh… Ham and cheese sandwich… again. I’m fucking sick of ham and cheese sandwiches, it’s the same every bloody day. If I get another ham and cheese sandwich in my lunch box tomorrow I’m jumping off the top of this building.”
Next, the Scotsman opens up his lunch box. “Aackk, jam sandwich… again. I cannee go on like this eating jam sandwiches every day of me life! If I get the same again tomorrow I’m jumping as well.”
Next it’s the Irishman’s turn. “Ohh for fecks sake! Not another egg and cress sandwich! That’s the fourth one in a row this week! I’m with you boys, one more egg and cress sandwich and I’m jumping!”
So next day they sit at the top of the building to have lunch. One by one they open up their lunch boxes…
Englishman finds another ham and cheese sandwich, so off he jumps, and splats into the ground below.
Scotsman finds another jam sandwich… Off he goes…Splat.
Irishman, egg and cress sandwich… Splat.
A week or so later later the three widows are talking at the memorial service. English widow says, through tears, “I still can’t believe it, had no idea George hated ham and cheese so much, if only i’d known…”
Scottish widow says “Duncan did say he was getting a bit bored of Jam, but I didn’t realise he hated it that much, I just wish he’d have let me know how he really felt.”
Irish widow says “I… I just don’t understand… Paddy packed his own lunch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo5ovz/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are/
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Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo53c1/her_what_do_you_do/
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"Thank you for the glass of milk earlier", I said to the sperm bank employee.

"What glass of milk?", he replied.
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.
"Oh my god!"
Me: What?
"That was my glass of milk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo4slv/thank_you_for_the_glass_of_milk_earlier_i_said_to/
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Who gives the best BJ’s in school?

The Headmaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo4kfh/who_gives_the_best_bjs_in_school/
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I would post a joke about sword fighting

But it's a riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo4j3h/i_would_post_a_joke_about_sword_fighting/
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Why is EPIC's current hit game called Fortnite?

Because that's about how long it takes for the average person to get bored of playing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo4eyk/why_is_epics_current_hit_game_called_fortnite/
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What did the mathbook say to the other books?

I have a problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo46v6/what_did_the_mathbook_say_to_the_other_books/
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What does a Police Officer and God have in common?

Both scare the shit out of you, even though they shouldn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo45ma/what_does_a_police_officer_and_god_have_in_common/
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A Catholic priest visits Japan

One day, he goes to a bar, and the bartender (who speaks English quite well) asks
'Hold on, you're a priest. Why are you here?'
The priest answers 'I have been asked by the Lord himself to give him your finest rice wine'
The bartender is a little confused, but nonetheless, gives the paying customer what he asks for.
The next day, the priest visits the same bar, but sees another bartender. This bartender (who also speaks English) asks
'Hold on, you're a priest, why are you here?'
Again, the priest answers 'I have been asked by the Lord himself to give him your finest rice wine'
This bartender is also confused, but nonetheless, gives the paying customer what he asks for.
The next day, the priest goes this the bar yet again, and sees yet another bartender. As usual, the new bartender asks
'Hold on, you're a priest, why are you here?'
Having lost his patience, and become irate, the priest yells 'FOR GOD'S SAKE!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo43n4/a_catholic_priest_visits_japan/
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The worst part about eating vegetables

is putting them back in the wheelchair afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo42qd/the_worst_part_about_eating_vegetables/
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Do you know why the cellphone got arrested?

He was trying to steal from a power bank. He was charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo41db/do_you_know_why_the_cellphone_got_arrested/
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My wife told me that she is going to leave me unless I stop treating everything like it's a joke...

With a sombre look on my face, I nodded my head and told her to take a seat so we could have a serious conversation about it as adults.
That's when I pulled her chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo40yq/my_wife_told_me_that_she_is_going_to_leave_me/
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A blonde laughs at a joke three times

Once when it is told.
Two minutes later, when it is explained to her.
A week later, when she gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo40x0/a_blonde_laughs_at_a_joke_three_times/
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What do u give a dog that has high temperature?

Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo3v3n/what_do_u_give_a_dog_that_has_high_temperature/
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A man walks past a bar with a horse

When he hears a man crying from inside the bar.
He walks in and talk to the guy to hear whats wrong.
The guy says that his wife have left him and wants a divorce and has taken all of his money.
The man with horse feels sorry for him and says:
If you can make my horse laugh i will give you a 1000$
The guy agress but says he needs to be alone with the horse.
So the guy and the horse goes into a room, and seconds later the horse bursts out of the room, laughing and laughing.
The man asks how he did it and the guy says it is his little secret.
The man sighs and pays him the 1000$ and leaves.
A week later he walk past the same bar with his horse and hear the same guy crying from inside.
He goes in and asks him whats wrong now, he guys says that his wife was fucking his lawyer and had screwed him over and taken the kids too, and now he needs money for a new lawyer to get his kids back.
The man then says, well, last time you made my horse laugh, but if you can make my horse cry i will give you another 1000$. The guy agrees and again says he needs to be alone with the horse. So they go into a room and a few seconds later the horse bursts out of the room crying and crying. The man pays him the 1000$ and says that now he needs to know what he did,
The guys then says, that last time he told the horse he had a bigger dick than it, this time he proved it to the horse.
Edit. Sorry for bad english and grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo3u7o/a_man_walks_past_a_bar_with_a_horse/
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What do you call Rats that live on a star?

Palindrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo3skh/what_do_you_call_rats_that_live_on_a_star/
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What do you call a woman with one leg?

Ilene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo3q0q/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_one_leg/
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Two knights were jousting for the entertainment of the king and his court...

The Black knight struck the king's favorite, crumpling him against the wall, bending and doubling him over, head-to-toe.  With his head down between his legs with armor and body bent and contorted, the favorite reached for his sword.
The crowd cheered!
With an impressive display of pride and chivalry, the king's favorite dropped his jousting lance from his one hand and readied his sword in his other hand.  It was only in his gauntlet for a moment before the black knight shoved him in the shoulder against the wall, crushing the favorite's breastplate with so much force that shoulder plate crumpled against shoulder plate.
After a few moments of horrified silence, the crowd cheered-on as they stared in amazement at the king's favorite forcing the plates of armor apart from one another, and reading himself for another attack from the black knight.
It really has been a rather one sided contest thus far, but I'm really looking forward to seeing how this knight unfolds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo3o1j/two_knights_were_jousting_for_the_entertainment/
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Jess loved to date musicians

One night, she has a date with a trumpeter. When she returned home, her housemate asked 'So was the trumpeter a potential keeper?'
'No' replied Jess 'His lips were so tight and dry. He was no fun to kiss'
The next night, she has a date with a tubist. Again, Jess returns home, and her housemate asks 'Was the tubist a potential keeper?'
'No' replied Jess 'His lips were fat and slobbery. He was gross to kiss'
The next night, she has a date with a French horn player. As usual, she returns home and her housemate asks how the French horn player was
'Meh, he was okay to kiss' said Jess 'But I LOVED how he held me...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo3n3e/jess_loved_to_date_musicians/
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What did the police say after they found Jack's drug stash?

We've hit jacks-pot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo3jjt/what_did_the_police_say_after_they_found_jacks/
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At a hotel reception

Hotel: Room 605. Welcome.
Dad: I assume that the porn is disabled?
Hotel: No, it is only regular porn, you sick bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo3hnq/at_a_hotel_reception/
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One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Wonderful saying, but horrible way to find out you're adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo3hia/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
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Mom said drugs are my enemies..

But Christ said love your enemies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo3e2i/mom_said_drugs_are_my_enemies/
%
We just had our family portrait painted and I'm a little bummed.

I had my eyes closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo356b/we_just_had_our_family_portrait_painted_and_im_a/
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TEACHER: Today you'll give an example of a pronoun each and form a sentence with it.

JOHN: HER
TEACHER: Ok, your sentence?
JOHN: Give her her book. It's hers.
TEACHER: That's good. Yes who's next?
DAVE: HIM
TEACHER: Your Sentence?
DAVE: Give him him book. It's hims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo34t3/teacher_today_youll_give_an_example_of_a_pronoun/
%
Why does trump hate the news?

Oranges hate the press

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo30el/why_does_trump_hate_the_news/
%
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camoflage jacket...

...you can hide but you can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo2smr/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
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I told my Nigerian friend a joke about water.

He didn't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo2mmt/i_told_my_nigerian_friend_a_joke_about_water/
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Whats the weird fleshy thing between a sharks teeth called?

A surfer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo2k62/whats_the_weird_fleshy_thing_between_a_sharks/
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Will glass coffins ever catch on?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo2gx9/will_glass_coffins_ever_catch_on/
%
I always shout out “God!” When I orgasm

For blessed is he who cums in the name of the lord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo26lf/i_always_shout_out_god_when_i_orgasm/
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Coffins must be really comfortable!

People are just dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo23wj/coffins_must_be_really_comfortable/
%
What’s the friendliest kind of murder?

Homiecide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo21u8/whats_the_friendliest_kind_of_murder/
%
"I heard you slept with my woman," said this guy in the pub.

"You've got the wrong person," I replied.
"So you didn't sleep with her?"
"No, I did. I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo21r0/i_heard_you_slept_with_my_woman_said_this_guy_in/
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Dr Ian Malcolm isn't sure how to fit his favorite cereal in the grocery cart

But Life finds a way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo21dj/dr_ian_malcolm_isnt_sure_how_to_fit_his_favorite/
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What did the Scottish man say when the bartender took his pint away?

Where did my Glasgow?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo20hq/what_did_the_scottish_man_say_when_the_bartender/
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What influenced the CPU to do a sex change?

All of his trans sisters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo1ykg/what_influenced_the_cpu_to_do_a_sex_change/
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An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”
My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”
To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”
"How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father.
“Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo1xze/an_english_couple_decided_to_adopt_a_little/
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"During your exam you hit two curbs, ran a red light, and went too fast," said the examiner.

"But on the upside," I replied, "you haven't arrested me for drunk driving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo1w2b/during_your_exam_you_hit_two_curbs_ran_a_red/
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I saw a man at an ATM.

I saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing.
He replied, "Just checking my balance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo1t09/i_saw_a_man_at_an_atm/
%
Whats a group of baby cows called?

Calvary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo1pnt/whats_a_group_of_baby_cows_called/
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A man goes to the library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian responds "Fuck off, you're not gonna bring it back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo1orz/a_man_goes_to_the_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
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What would a 19th century Russian sci-fi be called?

Tsar Wars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo1o39/what_would_a_19th_century_russian_scifi_be_called/
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So, I was driving home from work and I noticed this man at the side of the road eating grass on the verge. On the verge of throwing-up, maybe...

Anyway, I pulled up next to him and said "What are you doing man?" he replied "I'm starving".
I told him "Now, listen- there is no need to do that here. You can come to my house and eat as much as you like.".
He said "But I have a wife" so I said "that's fine she can come along too- fill your boots." then he said "But we have five children."
I said "Steady on, how big do you think my lawn is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo1g78/so_i_was_driving_home_from_work_and_i_noticed/
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I was watching a nature show with my wife's brother...

when he asked me if the orangutan in the show was related to me.
I said yes, he's an in-law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo1er8/i_was_watching_a_nature_show_with_my_wifes_brother/
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South Korea: My people have a voice! They can express their opinions

North Korea: Speak for yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo1ecs/south_korea_my_people_have_a_voice_they_can/
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What does 80-year-old pussy taste like?

Depends...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo1ccs/what_does_80yearold_pussy_taste_like/
%
I hate when my girlfriend and I are in a fight, and she makes a good point.

And stabs me with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo1bgb/i_hate_when_my_girlfriend_and_i_are_in_a_fight/
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Did you know, when World War 1 happened they didn’t call it World War 1.

They called it The Great War... because they weren’t expecting a trilogy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo13gz/did_you_know_when_world_war_1_happened_they_didnt/
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What do you call an SCP enthusiast?

[Redacted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo12dm/what_do_you_call_an_scp_enthusiast/
%
My wife and I share a sense of humor

We have to because she doesn't have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo0tja/my_wife_and_i_share_a_sense_of_humor/
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Most accidents happen due to children in the front seat

and most children happen due to accidents in the back seat
The **car** is the cause of em all troubles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo0rq0/most_accidents_happen_due_to_children_in_the/
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I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...

then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo0pkl/i_woke_up_this_morning_and_realised_i_didnt_have/
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What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo0pjw/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
What do ducks smoke?

Quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo0g5m/what_do_ducks_smoke/
%
I ate a dictionary today...

I had thesaurus throat ever.
My son told me that, and I was surprised to see it wasn't a Reddit favorite for reposting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo0a10/i_ate_a_dictionary_today/
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What’s the Highlight of a Bulimic’s Birthday Party?

When the cake jumps out of the girl!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo06kv/whats_the_highlight_of_a_bulimics_birthday_party/
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Yes, there is love without sex and sex without love

And there's you without both

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo04u0/yes_there_is_love_without_sex_and_sex_without_love/
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If Merman's best friend is dogfish, what's Mermaid's best friend?

Sea cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo0240/if_mermans_best_friend_is_dogfish_whats_mermaids/
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*Insert title here*

A town was talking about meeting attendance. It was low and they needed something interesting for the next meeting. They decided to hire a hypnotist. The next meeting comes around, and with word of the hypnotist, the building is packed. The hypnotist swings a watch back and forth saying "Watch the watch" repeatedly. A few minutes go by, and the watch slips from his grasp. "Crap" he says. It took 3 weeks to clean up the town hall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eo01y7/insert_title_here/
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How many snowboarders does it take to change a lightbulb?

50.
1 to pull it off, 3 to die trying, and 46 to say "I could've done that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enzy7t/how_many_snowboarders_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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There are 10 kinds of people

And 9 of them hate jokes about binary numbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enzssz/there_are_10_kinds_of_people/
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I had a performance in an art gallery today.

It was to draw in more people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enzk2a/i_had_a_performance_in_an_art_gallery_today/
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enzizk/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
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I accidentally got ketchup in my eye.

Now I’ve got heinzsight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enza59/i_accidentally_got_ketchup_in_my_eye/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enz7s7/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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A little boy asked grandad where poo comes from

The grandad was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.  The little boy  looked a little perplexed and stared at him in stunned silence for a few seconds before asking "And Tigger?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enz4i6/a_little_boy_asked_grandad_where_poo_comes_from/
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What came first, the chicken or the egg?

The rooster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enyxau/what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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I accidentally masturbated to my sisters feet pics

I got off on the wrong foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enyw6x/i_accidentally_masturbated_to_my_sisters_feet_pics/
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NSFW: what do your mom and a nascar driver have in common?

They both burn 4 rubbers a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enymfy/nsfw_what_do_your_mom_and_a_nascar_driver_have_in/
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A Canadian walks into a bar...

A Guy Walks Into a Hillbilly Bar and orders a white wine.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada. I’m a taxidermist.”
The barkeep asks, “what in tarnation is a taxidermist? You drive a taxi?”
“No. I mount animals,” the guy explains.
The bartender grins and yells to his patrons, “It’s OK, boys – he’s one of us!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enycmp/a_canadian_walks_into_a_bar/
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There was a viking named rudolf the red,

He woke up one day and said it was going to rain. His wife commented that it didn't look like it was going to rain. He replied with
"Rudolf The Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enxxmp/there_was_a_viking_named_rudolf_the_red/
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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.
After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided to hit up some bars and have some fun with the local girls. Unfortunately, he spent a bit more money than he had planned and came up a bit short for the doctor the next day. When he tried to explain to the doctor that he'd pay the rest later, the doctor looked at him, scowled, and told him, "You no have enough. You gyp me? I gyp you" right before putting the Major under.
When the Major awoke, he looked at the bedside table and saw the ID of a girl named Lye Innit. Unsure whose ID it was, he looked in the mirror, and saw that he now had boobs and looked like a woman. When he protested, the doctor first pointed to before picture, then pointed to his new ID and said "You Major Bed. Now you Lye Innit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enxo9r/a_military_officer_by_the_name_of_major_bed_had/
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You know how it is in life. When one door closes another one opens.

That's fine and all but I'm not buying the car if you don't fix that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enxmbh/you_know_how_it_is_in_life_when_one_door_closes/
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What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use the whole chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enxkir/whats_the_difference_between_erotic_and_kinky/
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Why do Scottish madlads wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enxc55/why_do_scottish_madlads_wear_kilts/
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What do you call a lion at the North Pole

Lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enx6zk/what_do_you_call_a_lion_at_the_north_pole/
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My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?

Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enx6p6/my_7yo_sister_said_this_at_the_dinner_table_while/
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Just got my hotel room upgraded for free

Suite !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enx68n/just_got_my_hotel_room_upgraded_for_free/
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Policeman: why do you keep beating your wife??

Me: I think it's the weight difference, the longer reach, and superior footwork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enx37x/policeman_why_do_you_keep_beating_your_wife/
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iron deficiency gang rise up

slowly though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enx0tp/iron_deficiency_gang_rise_up/
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I've watched thousands of hours of porn

Singlehandedly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enwwus/ive_watched_thousands_of_hours_of_porn/
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Tried to change my password to Fortnite

But apparently it's two week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enwql0/tried_to_change_my_password_to_fortnite/
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Personal Trainer: So what's your favourite machine to use at the gym?

**Me:** The vending machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enwiv3/personal_trainer_so_whats_your_favourite_machine/
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What state does the Mississippi River flow in?

Liquid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enwi5k/what_state_does_the_mississippi_river_flow_in/
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80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 blondes begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance—What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 blondes jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enw8y1/80000_blondes_meet_in_a_football_stadium_for_a/
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Two blondes are walking and one asks, “which is closer, the moon or Florida?” The other responds, “duh...

...can you see Florida?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enw6v4/two_blondes_are_walking_and_one_asks_which_is/
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Koalas have been dealing with the Chlamydia epidemic and now this wild fire...

at least they’re used to dealing with burning sensations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enw6mj/koalas_have_been_dealing_with_the_chlamydia/
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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

Salad shooter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/envzn3/what_do_you_call_a_vegetarian_with_diarrhea/
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What military branch does a pirate join?

The Arrrrrrrrmy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/envwm9/what_military_branch_does_a_pirate_join/
%
A man was tracking down a chemistry teacher...

A man was tracking down a chemistry teacher who owed him money. He arrived at the school lab and found the teacher hiding behind a desk. The man reached for the nearest container, labeled CaCl2, threw it at the chemistry teacher, and yelled, "Where is my money?!"
The chemistry teacher held up his hand to defend himself, "Stop! This is a salt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/envvhu/a_man_was_tracking_down_a_chemistry_teacher/
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I received a letter from my opticians, but I’m concerned about their printer....

Either it’s failing or they used a blurry font. So weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/envubh/i_received_a_letter_from_my_opticians_but_im/
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A plague wiped out every city on earth except for Detroit...

Because in Detroit everyone gets a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/envpsw/a_plague_wiped_out_every_city_on_earth_except_for/
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My wife asked me whats her clitoris taste like

I said its a hard question, cant really put my finger on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/envpqp/my_wife_asked_me_whats_her_clitoris_taste_like/
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A penguin is going on a cross country trip

when suddenly his car starts making a bad sound. The penguin decides to bring it into a shop to get it looked at. While his car is getting looked at he notices and ice cream shop across the street and decides to grab a scoop of ice cream. When the penguin comes back to the shop to check on his car the mechanic says. “Sir I think you have blown a seal”. The penguin replies “no its just ice cream”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/envmf2/a_penguin_is_going_on_a_cross_country_trip/
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Yoghurt

On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater."
She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt..."
I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/envlyt/yoghurt/
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On Sale Now - Houston Texans

Get em for only a quarter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/envlyj/on_sale_now_houston_texans/
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Turner Brown

A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? "
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/envgvh/turner_brown/
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What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/envbxr/whats_a_group_of_chubby_newborns_called/
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People will always criticize how you said something ...

irregardless of what you actually said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/envbc1/people_will_always_criticize_how_you_said/
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Hi, I'm Ted and I'm addicted to making puns.

Everyone: Hi Ted!
Ted: the final straw was when my friend said to me "you need to stop making puns, it is selfish and mean. You're a dick, Ted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/envban/hi_im_ted_and_im_addicted_to_making_puns/
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I vowed to start practicing safe sex.

So I bought your mom some kneepads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/env5tl/i_vowed_to_start_practicing_safe_sex/
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Harry, the Duke of Sussex.

Or the artist formerly known as prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/env4x0/harry_the_duke_of_sussex/
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How do you get out of a casino as a millionaire?

You go in as a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/env3mf/how_do_you_get_out_of_a_casino_as_a_millionaire/
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What do Prince Andrew and Tide Pods have in common?

They should always kept away from children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/env34t/what_do_prince_andrew_and_tide_pods_have_in_common/
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If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"
I hope that blew your minds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enuvo3/if_womb_is_pronounced_woom_tomb_is_pronounced/
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A horse walks into a bar

Bartender: hey
Horse: yes please

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enuvhu/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The Art Thief

The Art Theif
A French man goes into the Louvre’s parking with his van. He gets out and goes inside. He sneaks pass guards, gets through barbed wire, avoids lasers and in front of him there is the Mona Lisa. He takes it and manages to get back to his van. When he goes into his van and leaves the van ran out of gas. The police catch him and interrogate him.
‘Why did you take the painting?’
He thinks for a minute and in a thick French accent, he says; ‘I needed ze Monet to get Degas to make ze Van Gogh’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enuuqc/the_art_thief/
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A wealthy and blind American businessman writes to his nephew in Soviet Russia asking him to come to America to help him with his business.

The nephew is called to NKVD headquarters as a result. The interrogator says, "Write to your uncle and ask him to close his company and come to the USSR. We will provide him with everything."
The nephew says, "I'm sorry but you didn't understand. My uncle lost his eyesight, not his mind."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enuqc4/a_wealthy_and_blind_american_businessman_writes/
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My dad swears by putting horse manure on his rhubarb

But I find it tastes much better with custard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enukak/my_dad_swears_by_putting_horse_manure_on_his/
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I saw five cockroaches marching across my basement floor today

I grabbed my shoe and started hitting them with the sole. I killed four, but one escaped and hid.
It was the sole survivor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enuecd/i_saw_five_cockroaches_marching_across_my/
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My wife and I share a sense of humour

We have to. She doesn't have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enucoq/my_wife_and_i_share_a_sense_of_humour/
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A man and a woman are out on a first date together...

Everything is going great and they are getting along really well, when out of nowhere the woman comments on the size of the man’s hands and feet. “I didn’t notice earlier, but you have remarkably small hands and feet!”
The man taken aback by such an unexpected observation thinks quickly and replies somewhat flirtatiously;
“Well, it’s because my testosterone focussed on other parts of my body, if you know what I mean...”
The woman, rather impressed and slightly turned on by his smooth response slides across closer to the man and puts her hand on his thigh, at which point the guy continues;
“Yeah, I have a really hairy back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enuchl/a_man_and_a_woman_are_out_on_a_first_date_together/
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What do Samuel L. Jackson and Sigmund Freud have in common?

They both call everyone a mother fucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enu4gp/what_do_samuel_l_jackson_and_sigmund_freud_have/
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a man broke into the theatre last night during the performance

he stole the spotlight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enu3uj/a_man_broke_into_the_theatre_last_night_during/
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I came from a small town where the population always stayed the same...

Whenever a girl got pregnant, someone left town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/entzf1/i_came_from_a_small_town_where_the_population/
%
A joke my grandpa told me

I was in the army a few years ago i was walking by the medical tent when this guy said he got hi toes blown off by a mine and asked if i wanted to see them i agreed. He took off his boot and i puked everywhere he said what's wrong boy you lack toes intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/entxw0/a_joke_my_grandpa_told_me/
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A father tells his son about the birds and the bees.

"Son, I think it's time for you to know about where babies really come from".
Son: "Oh, no, no, no no no! First you tell me Santa isn't real, and now you're going to tell me sex isn't real?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/entm6e/a_father_tells_his_son_about_the_birds_and_the/
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Can I survive snapping my neck?!

Find out after the break

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/entkb3/can_i_survive_snapping_my_neck/
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What do you call a bunch of crows organizing a gang?

Attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/entjbg/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_crows_organizing_a/
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All of the world leaders are on a plane, and it crashes, who survives?

The rest of humanity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/entfeb/all_of_the_world_leaders_are_on_a_plane_and_it/
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I used to always cry during sex...

...but since I told my Dad he's started being alot more gentle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enta3l/i_used_to_always_cry_during_sex/
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A guy walks into a bar.

He says to the barman, is that Trump and Cruz over there? Bartender says, "Yep that's them" so the guy walks over and says,wow this is a real honour! What you guys doing here? Cruz says, We're planning World WW111, guy says, really what's going to happen? Trump says, We are gonna kill 140 million Muslims and one Blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits? Trump turns to Cruz and says, "See I told you, no one gives a fuck about 140 million Muslims".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ent76a/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Well, well, well

If it isn't a hole in the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ensznx/well_well_well/
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What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enszg3/what_did_the_fisherman_say_to_the_magician/
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My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enszfv/my_wife_is_threatening_to_leave_me_because_of_my/
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Why did the kid fall off the swing?

because he had no arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ensxhv/why_did_the_kid_fall_off_the_swing/
%
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ensuso/my_son_luke_loves_that_we_chose_star_wars/
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The princess at Walgreens

A princess was coming into Walgreens every day, standing at the photo department, waiting for her photos to get developed.
After seeing her doing this for so many days in a row, a kind employee asked if he could help her with anything. She shook her head sadly, and.
"Someday my prints will come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enspus/the_princess_at_walgreens/
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I used to work for Disney, but their offices were always so hot during the summer.

I guess they don't give a shit about fans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ense7j/i_used_to_work_for_disney_but_their_offices_were/
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A drunken man stumbles upon a baptism in the River Jordan

The priest is standing there, dunking people's heads underwater,and when they emerged he would ask if they'd found Jesus.
The drunk wanders down to the river to join in, and when it gets to his turn, the priest dunks his head under the water. when he gets back up, he asks the man if he had found Jesus, to which he replied no, so the priest dunks him underwater again, this time a little longer. and again, he pops back up, and after the priest asked if he'd found Jesus, he said no, a second time. the priest then dunks him under once more, only this time he kept the man underwater for a while. when he came back up one final time, the priest asked if he'd finally found Jesus, the man asked,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ense2a/a_drunken_man_stumbles_upon_a_baptism_in_the/
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Why didn’t Earth get a birthday party?

Because no one was interested to planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enrx4x/why_didnt_earth_get_a_birthday_party/
%
3 Women goto Heaven where they’re addressed by St Peter

He says “we have 1 major rule here in heaven, there are a lot of Turkeys up here. Do not step on the Turkeys there will be consequences “
Accepting this rule the women nod their heads and go on into heaven. About 5 days later the first of the 3 women step on a Turkey. She is immediately called to St Peter where she approaches him talking to a ghastly looking man. Pete says “I told you there would be consequences”  she is locked to the man and told he is now her life mate.
The other 2 women are appalled and decide to be extra careful. Unfortunately a month or so later the 2nd women trips over and subsequently steps on a turkey. Knowing her fate she was hesitant to report to St. Peter but none the less went and accepted her gross, ugly life mate.
The 3rd women spends the next 10 years avoiding turkeys at all cost. However, one day she is called to St Peters anyway. Upon approach she notices St Peter is talking to a very handsome well built man. She thinks to herself maybe I’m being rewarded for not stepping on the Turkeys. Sure enough, she is handcuffed to him, become mates for eternity.
She asks... “what brought you here to meet me?”
The handsome man replies “ I stepped on a turkey”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enrwnu/3_women_goto_heaven_where_theyre_addressed_by_st/
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I have the body of a 25 year old

But it’s in my refrigerator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enruje/i_have_the_body_of_a_25_year_old/
%
Dude 1: Hey bro!

Dude 2: Yeah bro!
Dude 1: Bro,Could you pass me those pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enrmb0/dude_1_hey_bro/
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Why Do Accountants Make Good Lovers?

They’re great with figures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enrjcb/why_do_accountants_make_good_lovers/
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What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?

15 seconds, give or take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enrgvf/whats_the_difference_between_necrophilia_and_a/
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Teacher: Make a sentence staring with "you".

Student: You is...
Teacher: No kid, it's not "You is". It's "You are".
Student: Alright, teacher. You are the best series Netflix has made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enrfpo/teacher_make_a_sentence_staring_with_you/
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I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo

A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enrd7h/i_asked_20_women_in_my_neighborhood_about_their/
%
An American meets a Chinese man online...

An American man meets a Chinese man online. They get to know each other, and one day, the American asks the Chinese
“Hey, do you want to meet up sometime in America?” The next day, the Chinese man replies that he can take a day or two to visit. So the day after that, the Chinese man arrives in America and is greeted by his American friend. The first thing the American asks is “So, how’s life in China?” The Chinese man replies “Oh, I can’t complain.” The American then says “China must be great!” But the Chinese replies “No,
I can’t complain.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enrcxt/an_american_meets_a_chinese_man_online/
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My psychiatrist told me I have multiple personality disorder

We think that’s stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enraui/my_psychiatrist_told_me_i_have_multiple/
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The wife has been asking me to roleplay in the bedroom.

She was pissed when I rolled a monk cleric.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enr9ne/the_wife_has_been_asking_me_to_roleplay_in_the/
%
I love cooking with potatoes.

It's very a-peeling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enr93c/i_love_cooking_with_potatoes/
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I bought my SO a refrigerator for Christmas.

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enr2vz/i_bought_my_so_a_refrigerator_for_christmas/
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A man drinks too much and throws up on his shirt at the bar.

He’s very distressed that his wife is going to be angry so the bartender tells him look man I’ve got you covered.
The bartender put a $10 bill in his shirt pocket and says, now go home and tell your wife that somebody else got drunk and threw up on your shirt and he gave you $10 to get it cleaned. The guy tells him wow that’s great.
When he gets home he walks in the door and says look honey some guy got really drunk and threw up on my shirt but he gave me $10 to get it cleaned and he hands her the money in his shirt pocket.
The wife says, but this is $20.
The husband responds, oh yeah I forgot he shit my pants too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enr0zu/a_man_drinks_too_much_and_throws_up_on_his_shirt/
%
Only 60's kids will get this...

social security

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enqri3/only_60s_kids_will_get_this/
%
What's the difference between your mom and a laundromat washer?

The washer doesn't take loads for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enqqe5/whats_the_difference_between_your_mom_and_a/
%
Being drunk on a plane is never a good idea

Especially if you’re the pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enqkp9/being_drunk_on_a_plane_is_never_a_good_idea/
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A British sinner goes to hell

He arrives at the gates of hell and since He's the worst sinner of all time, The Devil comes to recieve him himself. The Devil then starts walking him into a huge building and tells him that sinners  don't get to choose as to the kind of punishment they will recieve but the British guy being the worst of all time, the devil shows him 3 different doors and tells him "I'll let you choose which ever door you want to open and enter, you may". The sinner then opens the first door and sees people on pikes being roasted in fire and shits himself. He asks to go to door number two and and opens it. There inside he sees people being smashed by giants and they heal immediately and agian they're smashed. The sinner is terrified and can't believe what he's seeing. Finally opens the third door and as far as the eye can see there was a pool of shit and thousands of people standing in the pool covered in shit below the waist and drinking tea and eating biscuits. The sinner thinks to himself, well this is nice, just stand in the pool of shit for all eternity and you also get stuffs to eat and drink, no torture, no burning. I'll take this one yells the sinner and the Devil grants it. Two demons strip him naked and he enters the pool of shit. A demon with wings flies near the sinner and hands him a cup of tea and a pack of biscuits. The sinner is delighted and just as he was about to take the first sip, an announcement is made "Everyone, Tea break is over, Dive your Heads down and put your Feet up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enqjst/a_british_sinner_goes_to_hell/
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Did ya here about that time Bambi went crazy and sat on Thumper?

He had a wild hare up his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enqh5p/did_ya_here_about_that_time_bambi_went_crazy_and/
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A snake says to his Mum, are we venomous snakes?

His mum replies no son, Why?
Thank fuck for that, I just bit my tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enqbev/a_snake_says_to_his_mum_are_we_venomous_snakes/
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What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?

An Oopsie-daisy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enqazv/what_is_it_called_when_two_flowers_have_an/
%
Lets go pick up some tranny hookers...

Or, as they call them on Tatooine, "Power converters."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enqaby/lets_go_pick_up_some_tranny_hookers/
%
What did Tigger see when he looked in the toilet?

Pooh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enpv5b/what_did_tigger_see_when_he_looked_in_the_toilet/
%
I do a magic show where I make Marijuana and Cocaine disappear.

It’s all just a bunch of smoke and mirrors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enpqn5/i_do_a_magic_show_where_i_make_marijuana_and/
%
A blond woman walks into a electronics shop

The owner of the shops asks if he can help her and she points and says : ‘I would like to buy that television.’ The owner says: ‘we don’t sell to blondes.’
So she leaves and comes back to the shop with a red colored wig on and points and says : ‘I would like to buy that television.’ Again the shop owner replies ‘we don’t sell to blondes.’
So again but a little frustrated she leaves the shop and comes back with her hair dyed brown one last time she points and says: ‘I would like to buy that television.’ Once more the owner replies: ‘I’m sorry but we don’t sell to blondes.’
So mildly infuriated she asks: ‘how do you know I’m a blond?’ he calmly replies: ‘that’s a microwave.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enpndr/a_blond_woman_walks_into_a_electronics_shop/
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Roses are crimson, violets are violet

I have an art degree...you want fries with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enpmty/roses_are_crimson_violets_are_violet/
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Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date... Today I asked her to marry me...

She said no on both occasions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enp833/two_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_out/
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Late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” he was responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enp2j4/late_fall_and_the_indians_on_a_remote_reservation/
%
There are 10 genders,

-male
-female
I guess if you dont get it then you're just... non-binary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enp069/there_are_10_genders/
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I asked my friend about her thoughts on guns

She said, that's a loaded question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enozfc/i_asked_my_friend_about_her_thoughts_on_guns/
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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enoz46/after_35_years_of_marriage_a_husband_and_wife/
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Why were episodes 4, 5, and 6 before 1, 2, and 3?

Because in charge, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enoz2p/why_were_episodes_4_5_and_6_before_1_2_and_3/
%
Why does 10 have PTSD

He was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enoxrd/why_does_10_have_ptsd/
%
How come they never caught the Zodiac Killer?

Let's face it, all the signs were there.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enowwc/how_come_they_never_caught_the_zodiac_killer/
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What’s the difference between dark humor and morbid humor

Dark humor is 10 kids in one container
Morbid humor is one kid in 10 containers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enov3o/whats_the_difference_between_dark_humor_and/
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Poo?

So my nephew asked me “where does Poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked “And Tigger?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enotd7/poo/
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I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.

Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enorbb/i_never_understood_why_people_are_surprised_to/
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PRIEST: you may now read the vows you have prepared

ME: I think I misunderstood the assignment
"just read what you have"
ME: ok [deep breath]... A E I O U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enopkp/priest_you_may_now_read_the_vows_you_have_prepared/
%
Goddamn bastard giraffes

Always looking down on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enojii/goddamn_bastard_giraffes/
%
There are two things that never get old..

Dark humour and unvaccinated children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eno44o/there_are_two_things_that_never_get_old/
%
I don’t like 2D movies

They always seem to lack depth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ennvmc/i_dont_like_2d_movies/
%
Which country inspired Tesla motors?

Mad at gas car.
Edit (obligatory) : Also, thanks Elon for free bitcoins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ennujy/which_country_inspired_tesla_motors/
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Woah, Today My Head ‘Fell Asleep’ Like Your Arms & Legs Do Sometimes

It was mind numbing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ennth9/woah_today_my_head_fell_asleep_like_your_arms/
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Russian Eye Sight Test

A Russian went to a doctor to get his eye sight tested.
The doctor asked him to read the letters "CHXSCHEICJK" written on a board.
The doctor asked, "can you read them?"
Russian: Read them? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ennhqw/russian_eye_sight_test/
%
How do you circumcise a whale?

Four skin divers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ennh46/how_do_you_circumcise_a_whale/
%
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest....

A lumberjack walks into a magical forest to cut a tree.  He swings his ax at an old oak and it shouts, "Wait!  I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack laughed and says, "Yes!  And you will dialogue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ennd2w/a_lumberjack_walks_into_a_magical_forest/
%
Last week I decided to finally let go of all the shit that was left from the last decade.

Clogged the bathroom tho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ennawk/last_week_i_decided_to_finally_let_go_of_all_the/
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Two hunters are out in the woods

when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enna37/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods/
%
What was hitler's favorite boat?

Dictatorship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enmzwc/what_was_hitlers_favorite_boat/
%
Life is like a penis...

Women make it hard for no reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enmx7v/life_is_like_a_penis/
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What do you call it when you get a stiffy at a funeral

Mourning Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enmqbf/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_a_stiffy_at_a/
%
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.

He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enmlru/i_told_my_psychiatrist_that_ive_been_hearing/
%
What do you call a motel abortion?

An early checkout...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enmim0/what_do_you_call_a_motel_abortion/
%
What do my memes and an antivax child have in common?

They both die in new

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enmh2b/what_do_my_memes_and_an_antivax_child_have_in/
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I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was

she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enmc8f/i_went_to_a_book_store_and_asked_the_saleswoman/
%
A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant

Like my name, phone number, address...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enmbsp/a_lot_of_things_changed_after_my_girlfriend_got/
%
A Man at a Bar Throws Up All Over Himself

A man was at a bar, drinking beer after beer until he was sick and involuntarily threw up on himself. Disgruntled, he went to the bartender for help.
"Man, my wife is gonna kill me if she finds out I got so drunk that I threw up on my shirt. Is there anything you can do to help me?"
"I got an idea," the bartender says, "you have ten dollars? If you do, stick it in your shirt pocket and bring it home. When you get home, tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you a ten for the cleaning bill."
Bewildered by the bartender's genius, he takes his money and stuffs it into his shirt pocket before going home. When confronted by his wife, she scowls at him.
"Why are you covered in puke?" she says angrily
"Oh honey, you see, some man at the bar puked all over me, but he was kind enough and gave me tenn dollars to clean the shirt." and in response he produces the money from his shirt pocket.
"Oh!" the wife exclaims and looks at the money, "but he gave you a twenty, not a ten"
"Oh right!" the man exclaims, "the guy also shit in my pants too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enm98e/a_man_at_a_bar_throws_up_all_over_himself/
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Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”

Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enm3un/me_squirting_isnt_real_right_its_just_urine_right/
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NSFW I got chatted up by a pretty Jewish girl last night...

She asked me for my number but I said we have names in this country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enlzj3/nsfw_i_got_chatted_up_by_a_pretty_jewish_girl/
%
Why did the cheese get promoted?

He was gouda his job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enlu7v/why_did_the_cheese_get_promoted/
%
I used to have a six-pack...

Then I drank it and now I have a beer belly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enlrxm/i_used_to_have_a_sixpack/
%
Bender’s Breakfast Club unfinished joke

Saw this online so I thought I’d post it for everyone else wondering what it would be.
A naked blonde walks into a bar carrying a poodle under one arm and a 6 foot salami under the other.
So the bartender says “So I don’t suppose you’ll be needing a drink?”
The blonde says "I definitely do, after what just happened to me."
The bartender says "I'm so sorry. What happened?"
The blonde says, "Well, my boyfriend and I were just about to make love, when out of nowhere the crazy bastard says 'I'm gonna pound my favourite bitch with my giant sausage'. So I grabbed them both and got the hell out of there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enlqvq/benders_breakfast_club_unfinished_joke/
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What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enlpbn/what_do_you_call_someone_who_refuses_to_fart_in/
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I’ve started selling land mines disguised as prayers mats.

Prophets have been going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enlnvm/ive_started_selling_land_mines_disguised_as/
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A Prince under a spell

A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.  At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enlf82/a_prince_under_a_spell/
%
John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country.

On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enld2m/john_visited_his_90yearold_grandpa_who_lived_way/
%
A man was driving down the road with some penguins in his truck when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.
“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enl6sv/a_man_was_driving_down_the_road_with_some/
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Why couldn’t Noah see his animals after he led them on to his big boat?

It was d’ark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enl10m/why_couldnt_noah_see_his_animals_after_he_led/
%
Why was Jesus Christ so ripped & muscular?

He did a lot of cross training...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enktip/why_was_jesus_christ_so_ripped_muscular/
%
So I was with this girl...

We were making out, doing our thing, and I reached down into her pants and slipped a finger in.
“Put two in, baby” she says to me, so I put two in!
“Put three in, baby!” She asks, and so I do,
“Put your whole hand in!” I put my whole hand in, pretty amazed.
“Now put the other hand in” I look at her in disbelief, but put the other hand in.
Then she looks me in the eye with and says, “Now clap!”
I look at her defeated and say, “I- I can’t!”
She looks down at me with a smirk, “Tight, eh?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enknik/so_i_was_with_this_girl/
%
what's the difference between a baby and a prostitute?

Wait, what? You ... you don't know???? You sick fuck ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enkkl0/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a/
%
I was playing chess with my girlfriend and she said, "Let's make this interesting".

So we stopped playing chess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enkiy0/i_was_playing_chess_with_my_girlfriend_and_she/
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A Biologist downloads tinder.

Select ur profile
Uploads pic*
Select name
Writes down name*
Write down ur description
The biologist thinks a bit and wrote down:
Just trying to change meiosis into mitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enkg7k/a_biologist_downloads_tinder/
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A man's wife is in the hospital, in a coma

The woman had been in a coma for a few days already. Nothing the doctors did could wake her up. One day, the nurse was giving a sponge bath to the woman and accidentally bumped her cooter, and the heart monitors bumped. Then it went back to normal again. The nurse poked again, and the lines jumped again.
The nurse rushes to the doctor and explains what happened. The doctor listens and thinks for a bit.
The woman's husband comes for his daily visit. The doctor approaches him and tells him he thought of an extreme method to wake her up.
"What's the method?" Asked the man.
"Well, we want you to have oral sex with your wife. I know, I know it's crude and very odd and hard to ask, but the nurse said the monitor jumped when touching your wife's 'areas' so we think you having oral sex may wake her up. Are you wi-"
"Hell yeah, when can I start?" Asked the man.
"Well um, we can start immediately. I'll give you some privacy and I'll watch the monitors. I'll be in the hall just in case something happens."
So the man walks into his wife's room. He starts doing his thing. The monitors are going up and up and up, until suddenly it flatlines.
The doctor runs in and sees the man with tears running down his face.
"What happened!?" Yelled the doctor.
"Well doc, I think she," he whipes a tear. "I think she choked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enkg2i/a_mans_wife_is_in_the_hospital_in_a_coma/
%
One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have.”
The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.
A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, “My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enkdyn/one_day_a_little_boy_and_a_little_girl_are/
%
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enk9qo/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_tree/
%
A man is washing a car with his son.

After a while, the son asks his father, 'Dad, can't you just use a sponge?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enk2ro/a_man_is_washing_a_car_with_his_son/
%
What's up with Haikus?

They have no rhyme or reason.
Am I just stupid?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enjvkk/whats_up_with_haikus/
%
I’ve been on the prowl for the best thrift store deals

I guess you could say I’m Goodwill Hunting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enjqa9/ive_been_on_the_prowl_for_the_best_thrift_store/
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I told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help me....

She said "Whose dick are you going to suck at this time of night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enjhzq/i_told_my_wife_i_was_so_stressed_that_only_a/
%
What did the brothel sign say when it was closed on Sunday?

Beat it we’re closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enjdwd/what_did_the_brothel_sign_say_when_it_was_closed/
%
Last Sunday, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick to her...

I mistakenly gave her a glue stick
She still hasn't spoken to me since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enjapc/last_sunday_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her_lipstick/
%
Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane?

Os-Moses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enj9k5/who_led_the_jewish_people_across_a_semi_permeable/
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Men think about sex every seven seconds...

That's why I eat my hotdog within seven seconds before it gets weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enj9i2/men_think_about_sex_every_seven_seconds/
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A priest and a bus driver die and approach the pearly gates.

They approach St Peter, who says that the bus driver can get into heaven, but the priest has to go to hell.
'Why do I have to go to hell but the driver can go to heaven?' the priest asks, bewildered. 'I have devoted my whole life to God!'
'Because,' replies St Peter, 'when you read the bible, everyone slept, but when he drove the bus, everyone started praying!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enj46t/a_priest_and_a_bus_driver_die_and_approach_the/
%
Is Buttcheeks one word

Or do I have to spread them apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enj2rq/is_buttcheeks_one_word/
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I’m overjoyed that I cloned myself

I am beside myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enj0c4/im_overjoyed_that_i_cloned_myself/
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what do you call a poor part of a town in Italy

the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eniu5f/what_do_you_call_a_poor_part_of_a_town_in_italy/
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A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.
The gentleman was in morbid shock.
He couldn’t breathe.
He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'"
"Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enir8q/a_guy_was_boarding_a_plane_when_he_heard_that_the/
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Everyone knows 2 wrongs don't make a right, but what does 2 rights make?

An airplane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enir4f/everyone_knows_2_wrongs_dont_make_a_right_but/
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Argentina is surprisingly cold...

It’s bordering on Chile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enini6/argentina_is_surprisingly_cold/
%
What do sisters in anime ride?

A nii-san..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enim9i/what_do_sisters_in_anime_ride/
%
"Mom, I'm almost 17 now. When will I get my period like the other girls?"

"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enijuy/mom_im_almost_17_now_when_will_i_get_my_period/
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What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enij70/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
I made fun of a girl for dating the ugliest boy in our school.

We broke up short after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enig6s/i_made_fun_of_a_girl_for_dating_the_ugliest_boy/
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What did the fish say when it bumped into the brick wall?

dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eniezj/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_bumped_into_the/
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How do you make 5 pounds of fat look sexy?

Put a nipple on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enie5u/how_do_you_make_5_pounds_of_fat_look_sexy/
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A man wearing a robe is taking a walk in the park when he sees 3 old ladies sitting on a bench.

he flashes them.
two of the old ladies have a stroke.
the third couldent quite reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eni8l9/a_man_wearing_a_robe_is_taking_a_walk_in_the_park/
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(Offensive) How do people in wheelchairs go down the stairs?

Fast...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eni24r/offensive_how_do_people_in_wheelchairs_go_down/
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When it’s your cake day

And you want to thank all those who sort by new.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eni0rj/when_its_your_cake_day/
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My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

It was the end of my Korea.
I'm still China find another job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enhtdh/my_boss_fired_me_for_making_too_many_asian_jokes/
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A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar

No joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enhsqq/a_pun_a_play_on_words_and_a_limerick_walk_into_a/
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Two drunk male friends were walking in Alaska

They stopped a man and asked him:
- do you have white women here in Alaska
- yes we do
- do you have black women here in Alaska
- few of them but yes
- do you have women whom skin is mix of black and white here in Alaska
- how is that even possible
- one of them to his friend: told you the thing we fucked was a penguin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enhsqm/two_drunk_male_friends_were_walking_in_alaska/
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Someone stole my mood ring

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enhr9i/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
My friend and I were talking yesterday and

## he asked me if I sometimes randomly recited the English vowels. I replied, "Sometimes, why?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enhqde/my_friend_and_i_were_talking_yesterday_and/
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What do vegans and strippers have in common?

They both don't want your sausage down their throats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enhoz2/what_do_vegans_and_strippers_have_in_common/
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I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after

Now it smells like shit-rus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enhoo0/i_took_a_dump_and_then_sprayed_lemonscented_air/
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Judge- “So Mickey, you’re telling me you want to divorce Minnie because she is extremely silly?”

Mickey- “No, I didn’t say she was extremely silly. I said she is fucking Goofy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enhlw3/judge_so_mickey_youre_telling_me_you_want_to/
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I was fired from my job at the sperm bank

Everytime a customer walked in I'd nudge my coworker and say "get a load of this guy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enhlu4/i_was_fired_from_my_job_at_the_sperm_bank/
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What do an electrician and a Buddhist have in common?

Ooooooooooooooohms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enhjye/what_do_an_electrician_and_a_buddhist_have_in/
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I always go the extra mile for people

Which is why I lost my job as a taxi driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enhj17/i_always_go_the_extra_mile_for_people/
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Tapeworm Therapy

A man had a tapeworm and went to the doctor to get it removed. The doctor said, "I know exactly what to do, come back next week and bring me an apple and a lemon cookie." So the man did this. He gave the apple and the lemon cookie to the doctor. The doctor told the man to drop his pants and bend over. First, he shoved the apple up the man's bottom and then waited a minute. Then, he shoved the lemon cookie up his butt and told him he was finished but come back next week with an apple and a lemon cookie.
The man did this. Once again, the doctor told him to drop his pants and bend over. He inserted the apple, waited a minute, inserted the lemon cookie and then informed the man that he was finished but come back next week with an apple and a lemon cookie. The man began looking noticeably frustrated.
The next week, the man reluctantly showed up with the apple and the lemon cookie. The doctor did the exact same thing, and when he was finished the man said, "Hold up, this treatment is NOT working! The tapeworm is still in there and if I can be perfectly honest, I am getting pretty fucking tired of shoving apples and lemon cookies up my ass!" The doctor said, "Not to worry, next week will be your final treatment, bring me an apple and a hammer." The man glared at him, worried that he was going to shove that hammer up his ass.
The next week rolled around and the man did what he was told once again. The doctor told him to drop his pants. The doctor inserted the apple. Waited a minute. Waited another minute. During the third minute, the tapeworm stuck his head out of the man's butthole and said, "Hey, where is my lemon cookie?" Before the worm had a chance to retreat, the doctor smashed its head in with the hammer. The End.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enh67b/tapeworm_therapy/
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The day after a midget psychic escaped from the federal penitentiary....

The headlines read “Small Medium at Large”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enh5lm/the_day_after_a_midget_psychic_escaped_from_the/
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A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vender

And says "make me one with everything "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enh2al/a_buddhist_walks_up_to_a_hotdog_vender/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enh1bg/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
The pub was pretty wild last night,

Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enh0n7/the_pub_was_pretty_wild_last_night/
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What do you call an anorexic with a vaginal infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enh0bs/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_with_a_vaginal/
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Norwegian Virgin

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.”
The doctor told him” “Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.” He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: “Olof...you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.”
Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: “Look at dis Lena .....still in DA CRATE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/engxsa/norwegian_virgin/
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My girlfriend got mad at me when I invited her to afternoon tea by the Australia exhibit.

I don't understand. She said she wanted some koala teatime together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/engx2k/my_girlfriend_got_mad_at_me_when_i_invited_her_to/
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Passenger: How often do planes crash?

Flight attendant: Just once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/engrfc/passenger_how_often_do_planes_crash/
%
Guy asks a Tarot Card Reader, "How's Business?"

"Unpredictable", she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/engjp0/guy_asks_a_tarot_card_reader_hows_business/
%
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enggmd/on_monday_we_start_diarrhea_awareness_week/
%
Cows

A cow keeps coming to our old farm, I don't think she knows we mooved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eng874/cows/
%
A blind man with his seeing eye dog walks into a flea market.

He picks up the dog and starts swinging the dog on the harness over his head.
A vendor runs over and yells at him to stop and asks what the fuck he thinks he's doing?
Oh don't mind me....I'm just having a look around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eng6o8/a_blind_man_with_his_seeing_eye_dog_walks_into_a/
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What's the difference between a truck full of sand and a truck full of babies?

You can't unload sand with a pitchfork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eng4tq/whats_the_difference_between_a_truck_full_of_sand/
%
I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo"

In morse code

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eng02t/i_was_walking_past_a_building_site_when_the_guy/
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Martyrs

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".
"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school". "He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enfgf6/martyrs/
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It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enf5bk/it_turns_out_a_major_new_study_recently_found/
%
So I lost my job at a bank today.

An elderly lady asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enf3e6/so_i_lost_my_job_at_a_bank_today/
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Did you hear about the depressed traffic jam?

It was really bummer-to-bummer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enf067/did_you_hear_about_the_depressed_traffic_jam/
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What do you call Hispanic men that are over 65 years old?

Señor citizens.
I’ll see myself out thanks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enez2z/what_do_you_call_hispanic_men_that_are_over_65/
%
How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?

One, we are very efficient and not funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enexwb/how_many_germans_do_you_need_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Sail on, sailor

Man to his wife: "If I died before you, would you remarry?".
Wife: "Oh well I'd have to think about it but yes, I probably would."
Man: "Would you stay in this house?"
Wife: "Well, it's a nice house dear, I think I would"
Man: "Would you sleep in this bed?"
Wife: "I like the bed, it's comfortable, yes I think so"
Man: "Would you let him use my sailboat?"
Wife: "Oh no, dear, I couldn't possibly do that!"
Man: "Why not? You'd sleep with him in our house, in our bed, why couldn't you let him use my sailboat?"
Wife: "Because he's only a Hobie sailor, dear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enexss/sail_on_sailor/
%
What's the difference between a war drone and a commercial plane?

I dunno man, I just operate the missiles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eneukm/whats_the_difference_between_a_war_drone_and_a/
%
Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they had to decide it now. So they called a recess and went to a separate room to come up with a way of figuring this out. After a hour they came back and called in the poets. The head judge addressed them proclaiming “Both of you are the creme of the crop, the top of your game and we cannot decide who is better so we have come up with a single elimination spontaneous poem based on a random subject that neither one of you have ever mentioned in all of your work. You will have exactly 1 minute to prepare your poem and after both contestants have read their work we will decide. The subject is Timbuktu!”
Both poets immediately started to contemplate their upcoming feat and after 30 seconds the first poet stepped forward. “Esteemed judges, I Am ready.” He cleared his throat, “Timbuktu by Robert Frost of London England.....Ye as I walk across this foreign land, i feel my feet upon the sand, I see a train coming thru, on its way to Timbuktu” the judges looked at eachother with agreement that this was a poet at his prime. They thanked him and Mr Frost stepped back. The next Poet stepped up with a grin and addressed the judges. “My Poem is ready sirs and Madams, Timbuktu by Ollie Johnson of Ballard Washington.....Tim and I a hunting we went, when we spotted three maidens in a tent, well they was three and we was two, so I bucked one and Tim Bucked Two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enerbv/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_international_poets/
%
What’s the difference between vegans and strippers?

Vegans rub it in your face for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eneon5/whats_the_difference_between_vegans_and_strippers/
%
I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a sign that said "Drive like your children live here"

so I pulled a stealthy u-turn right the hell out of there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ened7s/i_was_driving_through_a_neighborhood_and_saw_a/
%
You have to give it to the Chinese

They somehow managed to make an entire language out of bad tattoos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ene88u/you_have_to_give_it_to_the_chinese/
%
A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and immediately heads straight to his apartment, gun tucked in the back of her pants as a failsafe in case things get ugly. Not bothering to knock, she bursts into her boyfriend's apartment to find him and a brunette cuddled up on the couch. As the reality sinks in, the blonde is overcome with complete despair and rage. She whips the gun out and holds it to her own head. The boyfriend leaps off the couch and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The blonde, a vile look in her crazed eyes, entirely devoid of that love she once knew, snarls, "Shut up. You're next."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ene5t0/a_young_blonde_fears_that_her_boyfriend_is_seeing/
%
How Long is an Asian man’s name.

Hint: It’s not a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/endxom/how_long_is_an_asian_mans_name/
%
Yo' mama is so fat

That she sends me nudes via torrent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ends4d/yo_mama_is_so_fat/
%
What does a gay horse eat?

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/endgq7/what_does_a_gay_horse_eat/
%
Mommy where does poo come from

Son: Mommy where does poo come from?/
Mom: Well son we eat food and our bodies take the best bits and then we push out the waste. We call it poo.
Horrified son: What about Tigger?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/endfen/mommy_where_does_poo_come_from/
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Two things never get old...

Dark humor and unvaccinated children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/endeh9/two_things_never_get_old/
%
All of the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/end8gp/all_of_the_organs_of_the_body_were_having_a/
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What’s the difference between Charmin Toilet Paper and the Starship Enterprise?

Nothing. They both circle around Uranus in search of Clingons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/encupb/whats_the_difference_between_charmin_toilet_paper/
%
I was so drunk last night.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I off took my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear. I crept up the stairs very quietly..
It was only when I got to the top of the stairs, I realised I was on a fucking bus!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/encmuq/i_was_so_drunk_last_night/
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What has 2 legs in the morning, 4 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs in the evening

The man I was doing surgery on
I got fired from the hospital

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/encj2r/what_has_2_legs_in_the_morning_4_legs_in_the/
%
"Mum! I'm going out!"

You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt!!
"WHY?"
Because I can see your balls, Kevin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/encihp/mum_im_going_out/
%
What's the difference between St Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On St. Paddy's Day everyone wants to be Irish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/encgql/whats_the_difference_between_st_patricks_day_and/
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Did you know that pigeons die when they have sex?

Well the one I fucked did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/encc8b/did_you_know_that_pigeons_die_when_they_have_sex/
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Who said that sexism against man doesn't exist

when a girl masturbates in a bath tub people start sending her money and all that stuff. But when I do it, I get called a weirdo and get banned from IKEA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enc3y3/who_said_that_sexism_against_man_doesnt_exist/
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How many Mexican guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enc3ds/how_many_mexican_guys_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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There once was a train

As it went around a slope, it came off the tracks and slid into a field.
The passengers stepped out unharmed and confronted the train driver.
They asked him what happened and he replied,
"Nothing. All happened according to plan."
The passengers were now furious, and one said,
"But you told us we were going on a field trip that would be off the rails!"
The train driver nodded. "I know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enbubo/there_once_was_a_train/
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My penis use to be in guinness book of World recorde

Well it was until I got kicked out the library

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enbq11/my_penis_use_to_be_in_guinness_book_of_world/
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A father makes a robot that slaps a person if he/she is telling a lie

One night the father decided to test the robot and asked his son what did he do that afternoon.
Son: I did my homework
*Robot slaps the son*
Son: I watched a movie at my friend's house
Father: Which movie?
Son: Toy Story
*Robot slaps the son again*
Son: Ok ok we were watching p*rn
Father: What? When I was your age I didn't even know what p*rn was
*Robot slaps the father*
The mother laughs and says: He's definitely your son!
*Robot slaps the mother*
(Sorry if this was posted already I just heard this joke and wanted to share it with you)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enbfox/a_father_makes_a_robot_that_slaps_a_person_if/
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My crush told me I smelled nice

Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her Boyfriend some

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enbcxp/my_crush_told_me_i_smelled_nice/
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I am a black belt in Mexican Judo...

Judo know if I have a knife. Judo know if I have a gun. Judo know shit, guey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enbbhp/i_am_a_black_belt_in_mexican_judo/
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A boy is getting ready for prom

He goes to the tuxedo shop, there's a long line. He goes to the limousine shop, there's a long line. When prom rolls around he goes to get a drink, but there's no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enb7ku/a_boy_is_getting_ready_for_prom/
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Having too much sex causes memory loss

Or at least that what page 17 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enanfl/having_too_much_sex_causes_memory_loss/
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Why did the orange melons have a big church wedding?

They canteloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enal2w/why_did_the_orange_melons_have_a_big_church/
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A man arrives in heaven...

A man arrives in heaven and St. Peter asks him how he died.
"I came home from work early," the man says, "because I suspected my wife was having an affair."
"Sure enough, there she was in bed naked, obviously caught in the act. She was alone, but I knew her lover had to be close by. Then I noticed the open window."
"I ran to the window and saw a naked man hanging by his fingers. Enraged, I began to strike him until he finally let go, plunging five stories to what I assumed would be his death. Unfortunately the bastard landed in some bushes and I could see he was still moving. So I ran back into our house and with all the adrenalin I managed to carry my fridge to the window and drop it on the man who had been shtooping my wife."
"After all of that excitement I think I had a heart attack, because I remember a searing pain in my chest and then I was here."
St. Peter is entertained by the man's story and tells him to enter into heaven. Then the saint turns to the next man in line and says, "How did you arrive in heaven my child?"
"Well," says the man "I has just finished taking a shower and was drying off when I tripped and fell, naked, out the window."
"I managed to grab hold of the window ledge below mine and was trying to pull myself up when a crazy man came to the window and started punching me in the face!"
"He hit me so hard I lost my grip and plummeted to the ground. Luckily, I landed in some bushes. Dazed, I tried to crawl away but this lunatic proceeded to drop a fridge on my head!"
Peter finds this story even funnier than the last and tells the man to continue on to paradise.
Turning to the next man, Peter asks again "How did you arrive in heaven my child?"
The man looks at the saint and says, "So get this: I'm hiding in a fridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enadet/a_man_arrives_in_heaven/
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What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce.

Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/enabzd/what_is_whitney_houstons_favorite_kind_of_lettuce/
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Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

*\*This lowbrow Sumerian quip is the oldest recorded joke in history, dating back to 1900 BCE.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ena7qi/something_which_has_never_occurred_since_time/
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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They have the same middle name.
*I know you're rolling your eyes, but c'mon—that was at least a little bit funny, right? Right?!?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ena5gm/what_do_alexander_the_great_and_winnie_the_pooh/
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What do u call a blonde that dyed their hair?

Artificial Intelligence
(Some old guy at chipotle told me this lmao)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ena0g0/what_do_u_call_a_blonde_that_dyed_their_hair/
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The farmer isn't just good at his job, he isn't just great

He's out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en9zph/the_farmer_isnt_just_good_at_his_job_he_isnt_just/
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What do you call a cheap prostitute?

A bang for your buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en9xyl/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_prostitute/
%
The urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight". . .

. . .is only ever a whim away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en9xx5/the_urge_to_sing_the_lion_sleeps_tonight/
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What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

*\*This one's better out loud :)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en9tqd/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and_a/
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Great coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.  Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”  The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed. ”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted.  She left the doctor’s office quickly.  Weeks later the old lady returned.  She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.  ”How did it go?” the doctor asked. ”Terrible, doctor, terrible.” ”Did it not work?” ”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” ”Then what is the problem, ma’am?” ”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en9rb5/great_coffee/
%
My girlfriend is a pornstar

She would kill me if she found out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en9p9z/my_girlfriend_is_a_pornstar/
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A mother looks at her teenage son and tells her husband this kid looks nothing like either of us.

The husband says; I know, remember in the maternity ward when he pooped and you asked me to change him?
I did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en9ahr/a_mother_looks_at_her_teenage_son_and_tells_her/
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My friend asked why I always talked quietly. I told them it was because I didn't want corporations spying on me.

They laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en97bv/my_friend_asked_why_i_always_talked_quietly_i/
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Redditors are the anti-Santa.

When someone says something naughty, we say, “nice”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en96a9/redditors_are_the_antisanta/
%
Yesterday I bought the worst thesaurus ever!

Not only is it terrible, it is also terrible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en95uu/yesterday_i_bought_the_worst_thesaurus_ever/
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At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en94k7/at_the_olympics_i_saw_an_athletic_guy_carrying_a/
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If two tampons pass each other in the street, which one says hello first?

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en8x9l/if_two_tampons_pass_each_other_in_the_street/
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A man was walking home from a night out early in the morning when

he spots a teenage girl crying on the top of a building, so he rushes up to her.
man: "Don't jump!"
girl: "But i have nothing to live for! I've never even been kissed before!"
Despite having a wife, he kisses her, which calms her down. She sighs and starts to walk towards the staircase, and so does the man, when she suddenly starts crying again and runs back.
Man: "What's wrong now?"
Girl: "I've never been felt up before!"
Again, he does what he has to do and then just walks away. But again, she cries and runs back.
The man asks her why, clearly pissed.
Girl: "I've never been fucked before!"
Man: "Fine."
He pushes her off the building.
Man: "Now you're fucked."
This is a joke i heard from my father to my older brother when i was nine. He said it differently, so this is just how i remember it. I don't know if he made it up or if it's from his friends, but yeah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en8wnz/a_man_was_walking_home_from_a_night_out_early_in/
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What do you call a homosexual supreme ruler with neither conservative nor liberal views?

Mod Czar Gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en8t3g/what_do_you_call_a_homosexual_supreme_ruler_with/
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Did you hear about Meghan Markle's tragic car accident?

I think it's next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en8q1f/did_you_hear_about_meghan_markles_tragic_car/
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I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'...

Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en8lsm/i_got_a_new_pair_of_gloves_today_but_theyre_both/
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Marvel is going introduce a transgender super hero next year.

She's an ex-man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en8l00/marvel_is_going_introduce_a_transgender_super/
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My buddy was on his mustang after feeding it edibles.

I kept telling him to get off his high horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en8j2x/my_buddy_was_on_his_mustang_after_feeding_it/
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The classic cake day joke. Enjoy

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.
The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en8ern/the_classic_cake_day_joke_enjoy/
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A company in my town manufactures tile discs...

but their machine can only make them so fast before it starts wrecking them. I found a function that solves the problem simply by improving the machine’s code, but they laughed when I told them I had a wrecked tile disc function.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en8cdj/a_company_in_my_town_manufactures_tile_discs/
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A hunter shot a rabbit and his wife made a stew with it

They all ate well and were very content.
A couple days later, his daughter walks in and she says:
"Dad, i went to the toilet and peed shotgun pellets. What's wrong?"
"Ah shoot!" exlaims the dad "i just remembered I forgot to clean them out of the carcass. Call the rest of the family, we should go to the doctor. I'll get the car"
Then the son walks in white as a sheet
"Dad dad! I was..."
"I know son, relax. You peed pellets too?"
"No dad, I was wanking behind the shed, and then I somehow shot grandpa dead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en8bi5/a_hunter_shot_a_rabbit_and_his_wife_made_a_stew/
%
What was Hitler's favourite video game?

Meincraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en8996/what_was_hitlers_favourite_video_game/
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Without anything ugly in this world nothing would be beautiful

Thank you for your sacrifice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en844t/without_anything_ugly_in_this_world_nothing_would/
%
What's the difference between a bad golfer and bad skydiver?

One goes WHACK! "Dammit."
The other goes "Dammit." WHACK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en7y0l/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_bad/
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By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en7x62/by_law_you_are_required_to_turn_on_your/
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Pussy!

A Gay Friend Asked Me To Tell Him A Joke.
I Said "Pussy", He Replied "I Don't Get It", I Said: Exactly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en7uii/pussy/
%
Please laugh

What's a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en7t7j/please_laugh/
%
Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."
Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been three times. I wish I could be taken seriously as an actor."
They think about it for a few minutes, and Stallone says, "We should do a serious film. A historical."
Arnold grins his huge toothy grin, immediately warming to the idea. "A period piece. That's a great way for our acting comebacks to be taken seriously."
Stallone, as the film auteur, keeps working on it. "We want people to be emotionally affected by it. Music really moves people. Can we do something about music?"
Schwarzenegger agrees. "We could do classical music. You're Italian; you could play an Italian composer."
Sylvester says, "I'll play Vivaldi!"
Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en7qf5/sylvester_stallone_and_arnold_schwarzenegger/
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What subject does an offended student study in?

Triggerednometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en7k5a/what_subject_does_an_offended_student_study_in/
%
A man and a woman were travelling on a train

They were in the same cabin
Woman:Every time you smile I feel like inviting you to my place
Man:Awwww.....! Are you single?
Woman:No, I am a dentist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en7ek7/a_man_and_a_woman_were_travelling_on_a_train/
%
If you get traumatized by K-pop...

...Do you get BTSD?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en7b0j/if_you_get_traumatized_by_kpop/
%
My baby gets really furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en73mm/my_baby_gets_really_furious_when_i_try_to_undress/
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My wife and I were having a huge argument...

I took off my glasses and said, "I don't even want to see you right now!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en6z4u/my_wife_and_i_were_having_a_huge_argument/
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What do you say when you meet someone in israel?

“Israeli nice to meet you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en6dl7/what_do_you_say_when_you_meet_someone_in_israel/
%
Why do Americans have good computers?

Because they have no troubleshooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en6bdn/why_do_americans_have_good_computers/
%
What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period

You get your palm red for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en6593/whats_the_best_thing_about_fingering_a_gypsy_on/
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I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trigonometry, I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en61vs/ill_do_algebra_ill_do_trigonometry_ill_even_do/
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What did the family of cannibals give the person who showed up late for their dinner party?

A cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en5mys/what_did_the_family_of_cannibals_give_the_person/
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What do you call dinosaurs with crippling anxiety?

Nervous Rex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en5l4c/what_do_you_call_dinosaurs_with_crippling_anxiety/
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What is the difference between batman and a blackman

batman can go to the store without robin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en5i4a/what_is_the_difference_between_batman_and_a/
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What did Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k?

HDMI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en5gtq/what_did_yoda_say_when_he_first_saw_himself_in_4k/
%
I was so many years into NoFap..

Until I found porn at the age of 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en5gpz/i_was_so_many_years_into_nofap/
%
I asked my masochist friend why he stays with his wife in a loveless marriage.

He just shrugged and said, “beats me”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en5ajb/i_asked_my_masochist_friend_why_he_stays_with_his/
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Played Frisbee with my Dog the other day

He was rubbish.
I need a flatter Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en57it/played_frisbee_with_my_dog_the_other_day/
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A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors...

And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”
Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en4z2l/a_plane_is_full_of_a_bunch_of_redditors/
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I am in jail for masturbating

Im busting out of here tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en4udk/i_am_in_jail_for_masturbating/
%
NZ joke for you

There was a man out tramping the Milford track.
He got horribly lost and went for a week without food by the 8th day he came across a kiwi and decided to cook and eat it. Half way through his meal a D.O.C ( department of conservation ) ranger found him, outraged he took him to court.
The judge was sympathetic towards the man but also curious. Before he let the man go he asked him "what dose kiwi taste like"? The man man replied "like a cross between yellowed eyed penguin and takahe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en4rla/nz_joke_for_you/
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Professor told dirty jokes in class

and the women wanted to protest it.
So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes,they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the protest.
In the next lecture,in the beginning of the lecture he said : "in Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them :
"Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the afternoon. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en4px3/professor_told_dirty_jokes_in_class/
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6:30 is the best time on a clock..

Hands down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en4kmz/630_is_the_best_time_on_a_clock/
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I received a nude from my sister

...followed by a text that said “Sorry, that was for dad.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en4jsi/i_received_a_nude_from_my_sister/
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An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.

Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. ’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en49kl/an_autopsy_professor_was_giving_an_introductory/
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A man sued his airline after he lost his luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en48vz/a_man_sued_his_airline_after_he_lost_his_luggage/
%
My girlfriend left me because of my pasta fetish

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en46sr/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_of_my_pasta_fetish/
%
What has two legs and is gushing blood?

Half a cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en3ys3/what_has_two_legs_and_is_gushing_blood/
%
My girlfriend asked me to test her like a Princess

So I picked her up in a Mercedes and crashed it into a wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en3w3n/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_test_her_like_a_princess/
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Dirty Blonde

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."
The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"
The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en3ph3/dirty_blonde/
%
Three couples died and arrived at the pearly gates.

As the first couple stepped forward St. Peter held up his hand and said, “I’m sorry but you may not enter.”
The befuddled husband asks, “why not?” Peter answers, “Because, sir, throughout your life you loved money more than you loved God. In fact, you cherished money so dearly you married this woman named Penny.”
The second couple advanced and same as the first, Peter denies their entry.
“I’ve been a generous man” the husband says. “Why shouldn’t we be able to enter?”
Peter answers, “Because, sir, throughout your life you loved alcohol more than you loved God. As a matter of fact, you loved the drink so much you married this woman named Brandy.”
The third husband turns to his wife and says, “Fanny, Let’s get out here. We’re never getting into this place.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en3l57/three_couples_died_and_arrived_at_the_pearly_gates/
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A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there; he's not misbehaving."

The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en3jfd/a_mother_said_to_her_son_look_at_that_kid_over/
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One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?"

He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?"
Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en3j8g/one_day_jimmy_got_home_early_from_school_and_his/
%
A Canadian buys a walk-in freezer

His neighbor asks him: "Why do you need a freezer when it's so cold outside?"
He replies: "To have a warm place inside the house.  It's -30 outside and -10 in the freezer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en3j3b/a_canadian_buys_a_walkin_freezer/
%
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.
“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en398b/a_man_went_to_visit_a_friend_and_was_amazed_to/
%
What do priests and McDonalds have in common?

Both stick their meat in 10 year old buns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en35de/what_do_priests_and_mcdonalds_have_in_common/
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What's the difference between a brown-noser and an ass-kisser?

Depth perception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en32u1/whats_the_difference_between_a_brownnoser_and_an/
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After some rough, sweaty sex, my wife said she wanted round 2.

I said, "Come again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en326v/after_some_rough_sweaty_sex_my_wife_said_she/
%
A man and his girlfriend were dancing in a club

The man gets thirsty and decides to go and find a drink. He tries the bar but the line is really long and he wants to get back to his girlfriend. He decides that the water cooler might be a better option but when he gets there the line is also really long. He is getting worried about his girlfriend at this point and decides as a last ditch effort to go to the punch bowl. And there was no punch line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en2we9/a_man_and_his_girlfriend_were_dancing_in_a_club/
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A crowded united airlines flight was cancelled.

A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en2tba/a_crowded_united_airlines_flight_was_cancelled/
%
Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.
Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair
His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their commander in chief, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again.
Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the General "How many is a brazillion?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en2sm9/trump_received_a_conference_call_from_his_top/
%
I poured my root beer into a square glass

Now I just have beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en2qs1/i_poured_my_root_beer_into_a_square_glass/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he can Neverland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en2ivr/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
An old "Dad Joke" from my collection that my son just retold tonight and nailed it. I've officially passed the torch.

A doctor is driving home along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible.
He immediately pulled the car to the side and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag would not be there.
He rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.
To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hinds and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Another few feet and he turned and waved again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.
Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en2i1q/an_old_dad_joke_from_my_collection_that_my_son/
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I'm done with dating sites

I'm only dating pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a car, a job and, pizza

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en2ddo/im_done_with_dating_sites/
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Little Johnny and his sister come down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if they had done their chores.

"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The father sits down in his chair and picks up the paper. “Hey dad, mom saw you kick the cat, so you know what that means!”
“What?
“No pussy for a week!” Johnny cries laughing.
Johnny's father, without looking up at him or his mother, says, “How the fuck is that different from any other week?”
Upon hearing all of this, Johnny's sister runs out of the house and dashes for the rooster pen, only to get tackled by her father midway.
"Nice try", says her dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en2cnj/little_johnny_and_his_sister_come_down_to/
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My crush was dared to ask me out

So she asked me to leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en298w/my_crush_was_dared_to_ask_me_out/
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There’s an old couple that start dating at 70

After about a month of dating, they decide to get a little freaky.
So they start doing things and the woman says to the man, “you know, it’s been a long time since someone has gone... down there”.
So the man obliges and makes his way down there and after only a short bit he says, “ I’m sorry but I’m not sure how long I can be down here”.
So the woman asks “why?”.
The man is honest and says, “I feel really bad but honestly it’s pretty stinky down here”.
The woman replies, “oh that’s probably because of my arthritis”.
The man asks, “you have arthritis in your vagina?”.
The woman replies, “no, the arthritis is in my shoulder so I haven’t been able to wipe my ass for a year”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en28v9/theres_an_old_couple_that_start_dating_at_70/
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How many Karen’s does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, they hold it and the world revolves around them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en28i8/how_many_karens_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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Two dudes at a table.

Dude 1: Hey Bro.
Dude 2: What's up Bro?
Dude 1: Can you hand me that pamphlet bro?
Dude 2: Brochure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en27ad/two_dudes_at_a_table/
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An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub

And the Scotsman says, “Drinks for the house, on me.” The next day the local paper runs a story with the headline, “Irish Ventriloquist Found Beaten to Death Behind Pub”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en24oy/an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_walk_into_a_pub/
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Why won't there be any Russian female presidents?

Because Putin isn't female

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en245r/why_wont_there_be_any_russian_female_presidents/
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Hot Dog

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.
One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God. Do they eat dogs in America?"
"I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled.
"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."
They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please."
The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en1rva/hot_dog/
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Getting the most from your I.T. department

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
14. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice : "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?". That motivates us.
15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you ?
22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.
26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.
27. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
28. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
29. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
30. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Birmingham like to keep abreast of what's going on.
32. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
33. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
35. In no way do we believe that end-users are ungrateful. It hurts our feelings that one could even think such a thing on the basis of the above statements. In truth we wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of wonderful end-users portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
Your friendly computer guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en1rdy/getting_the_most_from_your_it_department/
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A neutron walks into a bar....

“How much for a beer?”, asked the neutron.
The bartender replies, “for you, there’s no charge!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en1kp3/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
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You guys, I just drew a really cool creature - it's half moose, half elf

Sorry to boast, I'm just feeling pretty proud of moose-elf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en1iel/you_guys_i_just_drew_a_really_cool_creature_its/
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What do you call a nose without a body?

Nobody knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en1hue/what_do_you_call_a_nose_without_a_body/
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a time lord

who is it?
knock knock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en1h8k/a_time_lord/
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Hey, Jude what kind of bread would you like with your curry?

Naan, naan, naan, naan, naan, naan, naan...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en1dvm/hey_jude_what_kind_of_bread_would_you_like_with/
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What has 3 arms and 4 legs?

My son's shitty drawing of a snake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en1c4e/what_has_3_arms_and_4_legs/
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A man went to the doctor for male performance problem.

“Do you think the booze could be an issue?” Asks the doctor.
“Maybe not the booing so much as her slow, ironic clapping.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en18ru/a_man_went_to_the_doctor_for_male_performance/
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I hate when i do too many squats

I always end up with so much cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en18c3/i_hate_when_i_do_too_many_squats/
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2 guys are hiking in the woods

They stop to urinate when a venomous snake springs out of a bush and sinks its fangs into the unlucky one's manhood. He falls to the ground writhing in pain while his friend pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.
"My friend was bitten by a snake! What should I do?", he asks the call taker.
They reply, "You're going to have to make some small incisions on the puncture wounds and suck the poison out with your mouth"
"I see", says the friend and ends the call.
"What did they say?", asks the injured hiker.
"You're going to die"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en172s/2_guys_are_hiking_in_the_woods/
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One day Bill was out raking leaves when he saw a hearse drive by...

followed by a second hearse, followed by man solemnly walking a dog, and then a line of two hundred men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill questioned the man following the second hearse, “Who is that in the first hearse?”
The man replied, “My wife.”
Bill said, “I’m sorry. What happened to her?”
The man answered, “My dog bit her and she died.”
Bill asked, “And who is that in the second hearse?”
The man replied, “My mother-in-law.  My dog bit her and she died as well.”
Bill eyed the dog thoughtfully for a moment and then asked the man, “Could I borrow your dog?”
To which the man replied, “Get in line.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en0v92/one_day_bill_was_out_raking_leaves_when_he_saw_a/
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What happens if your blood goes up 0.2 pH?

You are BASICally dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en0uwq/what_happens_if_your_blood_goes_up_02_ph/
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A little known fact about me is I never cry when cutting onions

Just the rest of the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en0spr/a_little_known_fact_about_me_is_i_never_cry_when/
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My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
-
"No it doesn't." I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en0of1/my_girlfriend_is_fed_up_of_my_constant_wordplay/
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The midget wedding I was at went really fast

It was just a really short reception I guess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en0m9z/the_midget_wedding_i_was_at_went_really_fast/
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I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.

She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en0lzv/i_asked_a_pretty_young_homeless_woman_if_i_could/
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What do you get when you mix human DNA with pony DNA?

Apparently you get kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en0cl6/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_human_dna_with_pony/
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A priest, rabbi and minister have a contest

to see who's the best at their jobs by trying to convince a bear to join their religion. The priest goes in, sprinkles holy water on the bear and manages to convert the bear. The minister goes in, preaches, and manages to also convert the bear. The rabbi goes in, and minutes later is taken out by a stretcher, covered in bandages.
"What happened?" Asked the Priest and Minister.
The rabbi goes, "maybe I shouldn't have circumcised the bear first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/en00qe/a_priest_rabbi_and_minister_have_a_contest/
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All my friends jokingly said that this girl i had a date with is imaginary

Well, the joke's on them, because so are they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emzu27/all_my_friends_jokingly_said_that_this_girl_i_had/
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Guards Conversation on Epstein.

Guard One:
"have you checked on Epstein lately?"
Guard two:
"Yea, he's just hanging out in his cell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emzr0c/guards_conversation_on_epstein/
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I don't often tell dad jokes

but when I do he chuckles a bit, bless him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emzp6w/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
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How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emzg0x/how_do_you_make_five_pounds_of_fat_look_good/
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There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,

until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emzfuo/there_was_an_old_man_who_lived_by_a_forest_as_he/
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I used to work at a company that made tiny measuring devices.

It was a small scale operation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emzfr4/i_used_to_work_at_a_company_that_made_tiny/
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What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?

Cashew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emz7yg/what_sound_does_a_nut_make_when_it_sneezes/
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A young man's truck breaks down in rural Georgia right next to a farm

After trying (and failing) to fix his truck, he decides to ask the farmer if he can spend the night at his house. The farmer reluctantly agrees, saying "The only room I have available is across from my 18 year old daughter's room. I don't want to see you trying anything." As the farmer leads the young man to the available room, the young man catches a glimpse of the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. The farmer notices this and says, "I'm gonna put eggs outside your room tonight and if I see any broken ones, I'm gonna kill you." The young man tries to go to sleep, but the farmer's daughter beckons him over and he can't resist. She gives him the best night of his life, and he ends up staying in her room until 5 am. He asks the daughter "When does your father wake up?" She replies "6 am." He scrambles to fix the eggs he broke, supergluing them seamlessly and cleaning up the mess and hopping into bed right before the farmer comes into the room. The farmer sees the unbroken eggs and is impressed with the young man, so he treats the young man to breakfast. He grabs a few eggs off the floor and prepares them for breakfast, cracking them against a pan. Unfortunately, all four eggs are empty, since by random chance the farmer chose only broken eggs to cook. The farmer, enraged, grabs his shotgun and screams red-faced at the top of his lungs, "GOD DAMMIT! THAT DAMN ROOSTER IS USING RUBBERS AGAIN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emz5cp/a_young_mans_truck_breaks_down_in_rural_georgia/
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Times New Roman walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your type here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emz5a5/times_new_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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When I was disturbed by a woman breast-feeding in public, she retorted that it was "healthy" and "strengthened the bond between her and her baby".

Ugh... she's one of *those* dog owners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emz16k/when_i_was_disturbed_by_a_woman_breastfeeding_in/
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At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.

He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."
Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well.
He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it."
Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch.
He said, "There is no punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emyzfx/at_a_bar_my_friend_made_a_remarkable_shot_in_pool/
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Did you know pigeons die after having sex?

Seriously... I fucked one the other day, it's definitely dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emysmo/did_you_know_pigeons_die_after_having_sex/
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Did you hear about the butcher who backed into a meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emyr6r/did_you_hear_about_the_butcher_who_backed_into_a/
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Hey guys, let me know if you hear about any recently deceased drummers....

....No Rush....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emypus/hey_guys_let_me_know_if_you_hear_about_any/
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I'm in favour of same sex marriages.

Because I've been having the same sex with the wife for over 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emynym/im_in_favour_of_same_sex_marriages/
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Snow isn’t a problem is Islamic countries but....

ISIS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emylvi/snow_isnt_a_problem_is_islamic_countries_but/
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The wife said she is leaving because of my sexual fetishes

I said great! don't  forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emylr4/the_wife_said_she_is_leaving_because_of_my_sexual/
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Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you get, the greater the resistance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emyl2a/why_are_monks_so_good_at_protesting/
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It doesn't matter how kind you are

German children will always be kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emyg3i/it_doesnt_matter_how_kind_you_are/
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A red tractor turned into a field of potatoes

It was clearly a magic tractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emydq7/a_red_tractor_turned_into_a_field_of_potatoes/
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Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub

with cold beers and all are relaxed.
Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"
Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".
Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop sex all night".
"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.
Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emy9sc/australian_englishman_and_irishman_man_are/
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Peeing on my flowers. Long

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emy23v/peeing_on_my_flowers_long/
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I told my daughter she’d painted her eyebrows too high this morning

she looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emxzbw/i_told_my_daughter_shed_painted_her_eyebrows_too/
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Saw a one armed man shopping in a second hand store.

I told him, you’re not going to find what you’re looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emxrs5/saw_a_one_armed_man_shopping_in_a_second_hand/
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A man in line for cucumbers in USSR is fed up

and says to the man behind him in line "This is BS! I'm going to get a gun and kill everybody in the Kremlin!".
He returns to the line with a dejected look on his face a couple of hours later.  Everyone asks "What happened? Did you kill them?"
He answers "No. The line was even longer over there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emx5sc/a_man_in_line_for_cucumbers_in_ussr_is_fed_up/
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If Steve Harvey and his relatives ran a kingdom during the Middle Ages...

... You'd call it Family Feudalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emx38w/if_steve_harvey_and_his_relatives_ran_a_kingdom/
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My friend asked me how I got such a nice body

I tell him "you have to choose your victim wisely"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emx1j1/my_friend_asked_me_how_i_got_such_a_nice_body/
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If you want to get good at Greek pottery...

you have to urn it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emww5x/if_you_want_to_get_good_at_greek_pottery/
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My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emwnrd/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_stole_her/
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My friends and family swear I’m addicted to cocaine, but I’m not.

I just like the smell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emwgjr/my_friends_and_family_swear_im_addicted_to/
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What pickup line do you use on the devil?

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emwb4u/what_pickup_line_do_you_use_on_the_devil/
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I asked my penis if it felt depressed knowing it's only function of existence is to purge out bodily fluids all day, everyday, for all eternity.

He said ***At first, it pisses you off, but then you cum to enjoy it.***😉

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emwac3/i_asked_my_penis_if_it_felt_depressed_knowing_its/
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King: Blacksmith, have you finished my sword? Blacksmith: Almost, I just need to work out the kinks.

The Sword: Can I see some of those juicy feet of yours?
Blacksmith: Shut the fuck up you weirdo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emw9wy/king_blacksmith_have_you_finished_my_sword/
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In 2020 I’m going to stop making fun of fat people

They already have enough on their plate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emw29r/in_2020_im_going_to_stop_making_fun_of_fat_people/
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A hamburger walks into a bar and orders French fries.

Bartender replies rudely "We don't serve food here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emvz99/a_hamburger_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_french/
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Did you hear about the world's dumbest terrorist?

He tried to blow up a bus, but burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emvvdt/did_you_hear_about_the_worlds_dumbest_terrorist/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emvrop/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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What’s the difference between Logan Paul and the US military

The Americans were actually concerned if they found people in the forest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emvg29/whats_the_difference_between_logan_paul_and_the/
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I invested all of my money on cannabis infused beef.

The steaks are high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emvd2r/i_invested_all_of_my_money_on_cannabis_infused/
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A blonde woman asks a dairy farmer to sell her 40 gallons of milk.

“Certainly, ma’am. Might I ask why you need so much milk?”
The blonde replies: “I’m going to take a bath in it...”
“Ok... no problem” he says. “Do you want it pasteurized?”
“No, just up to my boobs.” She responds. “I can splash it above my eyes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emv9bk/a_blonde_woman_asks_a_dairy_farmer_to_sell_her_40/
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When can you tell if a boogeyman is gay?

When he comes out of the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emv8a1/when_can_you_tell_if_a_boogeyman_is_gay/
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Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “what music do you listen to? I like pop myself”.

The other turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emv0qu/two_wind_turbines_sit_in_the_ocean_one_turns_to/
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Why are written puns worse than puns spoken aloud?

Puns on paper are tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emupdd/why_are_written_puns_worse_than_puns_spoken_aloud/
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Prince Harry is leaving the royal family to become a painter

He's going to be the artist formerly known as Prince.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emulzl/prince_harry_is_leaving_the_royal_family_to/
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I’ve been convinced: Trump really is trying to create more jobs

I hear the unemployment rate for military analysts in Iran is at a record low!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emua8r/ive_been_convinced_trump_really_is_trying_to/
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I hate all races

Especially the 100m dash. Its just awful!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emu4jr/i_hate_all_races/
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Beauty is in the eye of the

Beerholder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emu3iv/beauty_is_in_the_eye_of_the/
%
What’s a canibal’s favourite soup?

Vegetable soup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emu2of/whats_a_canibals_favourite_soup/
%
Fozzy Bear was in Star Wars

He was an Ewokka-wokka

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emtw3k/fozzy_bear_was_in_star_wars/
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Apples, cherries ,.....

3 men get stranded on a desert island. After wandering around a while, they are found by some tribesmen. The natives take them back to their hut. The chief tells them, "Go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of fruit." The first guy
returns with 10 apples, and the chief says, "Now, shove them all up your ass without showing any emotion, or we'll kill you."
He shoves the one first up, and is in terrible pain, but shows no emotion, but during the process of pushing up the second, he flinches, and therefore gets shot full of arrows. The second guy comes back with 10 cherries, and gets told to
do the same. He's finding it relatively easy, but when he gets to the eighth, starts laughing hysterically, and gets shot. He meets up with the first guy in heaven, and the first guy asks, "Why did you do that? Why did you laugh when you were so close?" The second guy then replies,
"Well, I nearly finished when I saw the next guy walking up with pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emts7l/apples_cherries/
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Why do calculus teachers hate the Final Fantasy games?

The characters keep breaking their limits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emtohb/why_do_calculus_teachers_hate_the_final_fantasy/
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Four Nuns die and arrive at the pearly gates

They line up in front of Saint Peter.
"Sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, you must be cleansed of sin in this holy water." He says, pointing at the chalice beside him.
He calls up the first Nun and says "Have you ever touched a mans penis?"
"Yes" responds the Nun. "With the tip of my finger".
Saint Peter nods solemnly and has the nun dip her finger into the holy water. She then proceeds into heaven.
He calls up the second Nun and poses the same question. She responds "Yes, with my entire hand".
Saint peter has her plunge her entire hand into the holy water. She is purified, and enters heaven.
He is about to call up the third Nun, when the fourth in line runs forward and interrupts him.
"Let me go next. I'm not gargling that shit after she dips her ass in it!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emtnoe/four_nuns_die_and_arrive_at_the_pearly_gates/
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Do you guys think that glass coffins will ever be a thing?

I guess it’s remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emtlpn/do_you_guys_think_that_glass_coffins_will_ever_be/
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My three year old daughter made this up...what did the potty training robot say?

Pee poop pee poop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emtjnq/my_three_year_old_daughter_made_this_upwhat_did/
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My parents were magicians

They did the disappearing act very well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emtikc/my_parents_were_magicians/
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A lady isn't getting enough sex from her husband.

So she makes her way down to the magic shop and asks if they sell magic willy's.
The man replys "yes, the instructions are easy, you simply say magic willy.. Followed by where you would like it to go, and it will go there.
So that evening her husbands working late.
She gets naked and lays on the bed.
Firstly she says" magic willy, my mouth "
And it goes * woooooopp * into her mouth.
The she goes" magic willy my vagina "
And it goes * wooooooop * into her vagina.
All of the sudden she hears the bedroom door open. Her husband looks at her and says
" what the hell is going on! And what is that"!!
She says " it's a magic willy"
He replys with " ha, yea yeah, magic willy my arse".
New this one from school. Is better said in real life as you can make a more sarcastic voice for the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emtcq8/a_lady_isnt_getting_enough_sex_from_her_husband/
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emt9wn/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_shins/
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I know this is a risk of being a political joke... But here is the joke:

Our Political system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emt99v/i_know_this_is_a_risk_of_being_a_political_joke/
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What is a non-binary gender spectrum?

The Sexadecimal System.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emt988/what_is_a_nonbinary_gender_spectrum/
%
What is dog's favorite part of the house?

Roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emt7yo/what_is_dogs_favorite_part_of_the_house/
%
Good sex starts at 50

But it's much better over a 100 bucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emszc0/good_sex_starts_at_50/
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Three couples are trying to get married

at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emsuio/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married/
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You can tell an ants gender by putting it in water

If it sinks; girl ant
If it floats; buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emsrus/you_can_tell_an_ants_gender_by_putting_it_in_water/
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Putin, Trump, and Merkel are taking a walk on the beach

Trumps looks out on Ocean and says: "You know, we have Submarines that can sty underwater for 3 Months. "
Putin replies : "Pah, thats nothing! Our subs can stay underwater for half a year."
Merkel wants to say something, but then a Submarine dives up on the Beach. A guy jumps out and yells: '' SIEG HEIL, KAMERADEN. WIR BRAUCHEN TREIBSTOFF! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emsqt8/putin_trump_and_merkel_are_taking_a_walk_on_the/
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Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?

**Me:** I didn’t even know she was selling flowers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emsd4g/wifes_best_friend_how_come_you_never_buy_her/
%
What happened to Pinocchio when he was masturbating?

He caught fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ems6iw/what_happened_to_pinocchio_when_he_was/
%
What does eating pussy and smoking cigarettes have in common?

The closer you get to the butt, the worse it tastes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ems68n/what_does_eating_pussy_and_smoking_cigarettes/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ems5cm/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?

You have to chew before you swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ems54v/how_do_you_know_if_a_guy_has_a_high_sperm_count/
%
Someone took a shit!

When I got home from work yesterday, I noticed two turds in my toilet.
I'm certain there were three there when I left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ems3ww/someone_took_a_shit/
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Viagra

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.  Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it’s generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.     The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emrxn7/viagra/
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And old english gentleman is sitting in his study.

Suddenly his buttler crashes in through the door and screams "SIR! We are flooding! There's water everywhere..."
"James! This is most irregular. Please leave and come in again with the dignity that is inherent to English gentlemen!"
The buttler bows himself out and then comes in again:
"Sir, Flash flood, the River is..."
But the lord interrupts him "James, please compose yourself and deliver the message with calmness and dignity! Out you go!"
James steps outside and then opens the door again and calmly states.
"Sir, it is my very good honor to introduce to you the river Thames"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emrv5g/and_old_english_gentleman_is_sitting_in_his_study/
%
Dad, will you be coming to the baby shower?

"I'd prefer a full-size shower, thanks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emruow/dad_will_you_be_coming_to_the_baby_shower/
%
Nobody can argue that Trump is creating jobs.

A position as an Iranian general just opened up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emrsm5/nobody_can_argue_that_trump_is_creating_jobs/
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I went to tho doctors yesterday

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like fries and burgers?”
He said, “No, fatty don’t eat anything at all.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emrnp8/i_went_to_tho_doctors_yesterday/
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A visit to the doctor

"I want to prescribe you a new cutting edge drug against depression. But I have good news and bad news about the drug"
"I would prefer to hear bad news first".
"Okay. Bad news are that said drug has many side-effects. You will feel dizzy, tired, bad taste in your mouth, periodical urges to vomit, and a ringing in your ears."
"And the good news?"
"You won't give a fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emrjpc/a_visit_to_the_doctor/
%
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.
The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."
He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."
The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emrjib/a_man_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_on/
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Bar Joke Alert

Guy walks into a bar. There's a blind pianist with a dancing monkey there, but the man thinks nothing of it and orders a beer.
The monkey chitters, runs over, and dips his ass in the guy's beer before scarpering off.
Guy cusses out the monkey and orders a second beer. Monkey runs over again and dips his ass in that one too.
Guy's pissed off now. It happens s third time, and the man is fed up. He storms over to the pianist, grabs his lapels and yells, 'Hey, Numbnuts! Do you know your monkey keeps sticking his ass in my beer?'
The blind man is confused, but then says, 'No...but if you hum a few bars I can wing it.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emrh18/bar_joke_alert/
%
Did you know God was originally a comedian.

He was the first to make light of a situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emrevj/did_you_know_god_was_originally_a_comedian/
%
A friend asked me to walk downhill with him.

I declined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emre2p/a_friend_asked_me_to_walk_downhill_with_him/
%
How many Cops does it take to change a light bulb.

It doesn't matter, they will just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emrdh5/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
I asked my taxi driver if I could leave him some tequila and fried chicken

He said sure, so I threw up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emrdfh/i_asked_my_taxi_driver_if_i_could_leave_him_some/
%
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?

None, he “fell”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emrb18/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_guy/
%
What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

A pilot..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emr9uu/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_flying_a_plane/
%
One day a man is taking a shower in his family home. His dad walks in on him while he is drying off and notices his son is Huge.

The dad says: Holy hell son, where have you been hiding that thing?!
The son looks over to his pants lying on the floor and replies to his dad:
".....In my Genes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emr8by/one_day_a_man_is_taking_a_shower_in_his_family/
%
Two hunters were waking up before daybreak...

Hunter 1: "Just look at those stars, this is really nature's wonderous beauty..."
Hunter 2: "What do you think happened to our tent?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emr6ni/two_hunters_were_waking_up_before_daybreak/
%
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emr4zc/the_word_diputseromneve_may_look_ridiculous/
%
Why can't dinosaurs clap ?

Because they are dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emr47j/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
Where does Bill Cipher get his water?

From a well-well-well!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emr0vk/where_does_bill_cipher_get_his_water/
%
A Photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.

He says, “No I am traveling light”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emr02c/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel_and_is_asked_if_he/
%
You may know that baby owls are called "owlets", but did you know where they come from?

The owlet mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emqvhk/you_may_know_that_baby_owls_are_called_owlets_but/
%
"Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks…

You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a f\*cking cross?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emqrpa/lots_of_christians_wear_crosses_around_their_necks/
%
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.'

I'd say 'Yeah? When?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emqrdl/i_never_got_along_with_my_dad_kids_used_to_come/
%
I don't know if anybody's done this before

the US tried to draft me
but Iran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emqqed/i_dont_know_if_anybodys_done_this_before/
%
Hoe much do pirates charge for corn?

About a buck an ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emqp3z/hoe_much_do_pirates_charge_for_corn/
%
Do you pronounce it neither or neither?

Neither

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emqogn/do_you_pronounce_it_neither_or_neither/
%
just finished editing an article on freedom of speech

can't choose between comic sans and liberation serif

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emqn1m/just_finished_editing_an_article_on_freedom_of/
%
Don't trust atoms.

They make up everything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emqms3/dont_trust_atoms/
%
What pronouns does a person who sexualy identifies as Michael Jackson use?

He/heee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emqk8o/what_pronouns_does_a_person_who_sexualy/
%
Movie directors are the worst....

They're always going around making a scene.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emqf45/movie_directors_are_the_worst/
%
Lemons are not perfect

They’re just sublime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emqc8g/lemons_are_not_perfect/
%
A survey was conducted for poor tennis players who were bad at sex

It was decided on a worst come worst serve basis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emqb3t/a_survey_was_conducted_for_poor_tennis_players/
%
A man leaves the brothel and walks next door to the diner for a hot meal.

He orders a bowl of soup and finds a hair in it.
"Waiter, theres a hair in my soup. I'd like it to be taken off the bill." Says the man.
The waiter says "Sir, I just watched you leave that dirty, disgusting whorehouse next door. Are you really worried about a hair in your soup?"
"True, but I assure you if I found a noodle in my pussy next door I would complain too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emqad2/a_man_leaves_the_brothel_and_walks_next_door_to/
%
What do you call a paedophile with Parkinson's

assault shaker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emq5bk/what_do_you_call_a_paedophile_with_parkinsons/
%
When you have diarrhea and feel really REALLY bad , just remember this

Some people are going through some harder shit than you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emq3pp/when_you_have_diarrhea_and_feel_really_really_bad/
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THE EPSTEIN FART

Dr. Epstein, a world- renowned physician, was invited back to his hometown to give a public lecture. On the evening of the talk, the auditorium was packed with friends, acquaintances, and people who were proud of their native son. He walked onto the stage in the big auditorium and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off and hit the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, he inadvertently farted. Because his rear end was so close to the microphone, the amplified sound reverberated throughout the entire building. The doctor was mortified, but somehow kept his composure long enough to deliver his speech. When he was done, he raced out the stage door, vowing never to set foot in his hometown again. Decades later, he returned to visit his elderly mother, who was very ill. He arrived under cover of darkness and checked into his hotel under the name Levy.
“Is this your first visit to our town, Mr. Levy?” Asked the hotel clerk.
“No, young man” replied Dr. Epstein. “I grew up here. I moved away a long time ago, though”
“And you never visit?” The clerk inquired.
“Well, actually I did visit once, but I had a very embarrassing experience and I didn’t feel I could come back and face the people here”.
“Mr. Levy” offered the clerk, “far be it for me to give advice to such a distinguished gentleman as yourself, but one thing I’ve learned in my young life is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even noticed by others. And that’s probably the case with your incident too”.
“Thank you, but I doubt that’s true of my incident” replied Dr. Epstein.
“Why? Was it a long time ago?”
“yes, it was a long time ago”.
“Oh,” said the clerk. “Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emq2ys/the_epstein_fart/
%
What do you call a guy who just left cocaine?

"OFF-White" ahem ahem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emq21j/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_just_left_cocaine/
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Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you

You have my Word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emq003/whoever_stole_my_microsoft_office_i_will_look_for/
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Did you hear Eminem identifies as a woman?

He's now going by Feminen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/empv47/did_you_hear_eminem_identifies_as_a_woman/
%
Finally, at 60, I married my high school sweetheart!

She graduates this year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emptug/finally_at_60_i_married_my_high_school_sweetheart/
%
You’ll NEVER believe THIS secret of how African fisherman are talking to worms to MAXIMISE their catch!

Sorry, but this is click bait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/empi4f/youll_never_believe_this_secret_of_how_african/
%
I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards.

Change should come from within.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emp6lz/i_swallowed_a_penny_and_then_vomited_it_afterwards/
%
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?

A microtransaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emp6ev/what_do_you_call_two_transgender_midgets_having/
%
Employer: Can anybody pitch me a reality show idea?

Employee: Sure sir. But I don't think you'd like it. But I'll tell you it either way. Here goes nothing....
.
.
.
.
11 gay men and 1 straight man are put the together in a house. The objective for the gay men is to find out who isn't gay. Once a week someone gets voted out, untill 2 are left, or the straight man is out. If gays manage to outvote him, they win $1M.  If straight man is among the last 2 people in the house in the end, he wins $1M.
Now here's the plot twist: None of them are actually gay, they just all think they are the one straight guy.
TL;DR : Straight men behaving like homosexuals on TV
*Employee gets promoted*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emp44y/employer_can_anybody_pitch_me_a_reality_show_idea/
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I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emorjg/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_for_my_number/
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Three farm boys were looking for a wife, when a girl moved in next door....

She had hair like sunshine, a smile like a new morning, and was beautiful and perfect in every way - except for one flaw. She had one leg substantially shorter than the other, and she walked kind of tilted over because of it. The first boy came to call, and asked her to marry him. She said "If you can guess my name, I will marry you" Mary, he said, because you are as beautiful as the Mother of God. No, she said, and he sadly walked away. The same thing happened with the second boy, and he thought her name was Dawn, because she was as beautiful as a new day. No, she said, and he sadly walked away. The third boy said Willow,because you make me weep, you are so beautiful. No, she said, and he sadly walked away. When they were home discussing what had happened, they decided to all go back and find out what her name really was. They knocked on her door, and she opened it, tilted over as usual because of her short leg, and the demanded to know her name. "Isn't it obvious?", she said. "Eileen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emoq0m/three_farm_boys_were_looking_for_a_wife_when_a/
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I bought the world’s worst thesaurus today.

Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emon79/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_today/
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A couple of fungi were cuddling one night

One says to the other - “it’s getting hot can you move over?”
The other replies - “I would but I don’t have mushroom!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emoddx/a_couple_of_fungi_were_cuddling_one_night/
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Why are Carpenters that build stairs very successful in life?

They are always thinking a step ahead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emo5r5/why_are_carpenters_that_build_stairs_very/
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My grandpa always told me that if I do what I love I'll never work a day in my life. Sound advice and very accurate!

I love drugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emo50d/my_grandpa_always_told_me_that_if_i_do_what_i/
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DC hasn't capitalize on Static popular

Which is just really SHOCKING.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emo1yh/dc_hasnt_capitalize_on_static_popular/
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Some words of encouragement for all those paranoid people who fear someone’s watching you:

*whispering*
You’re not alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emnz6j/some_words_of_encouragement_for_all_those/
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What's the difference between a well dress man on a bicycle and a badly dressed man on a tricycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emnxqy/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dress_man_on/
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A snake walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "How the fuck did you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emnmup/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
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Socialism is bad.

I learned that in public school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emnkmu/socialism_is_bad/
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a cold December day

"Just wait out here," says the Lone Ranger. "I need to see a man in the saloon. They won't let you in, it's illegal to serve alcohol to your people."
"It's freezing," complains Tonto as he hitches the horses to the rail. "What am I supposed to do?"
"Run up and down to keep warm," the Lone Ranger suggests, and with a grunt of ill satisfaction Tonto begins to run up and down and round and round, occasionally giving a muted war-whoop as he does so.
Inside, the Lone Ranger finds the man he needs to talk to, and they're deep in discussion when the sheriff comes in and spots the stranger. "Hey there, masked man," he says, "is that your hoss outside the saloon?"
"Sure is," says the Lone Ranger. "It's hitched up all right though, isn't it?"
"Yep", says the sheriff, "...but you left your injun running."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emnikc/the_lone_ranger_and_tonto_ride_into_town_on_a/
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There was a man in Bulgaria that drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emncx8/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_that_drove_trains_for/
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Hitler is judged harshly by history, but let's not ignore the heroic acts he performed, like....

He killed Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emn6v8/hitler_is_judged_harshly_by_history_but_lets_not/
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If the new SONY car ever breaksdown

You’ll have to Walkman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emn157/if_the_new_sony_car_ever_breaksdown/
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My musician neighbour is scaring me

I heard him fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emn134/my_musician_neighbour_is_scaring_me/
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Two and a Half Men Joke long forgotten

Charlie: Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whore-house.
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie:  You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it!
Just started rewatching this gem of a show...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emn0ak/two_and_a_half_men_joke_long_forgotten/
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Freudian Slip

A guy is talking with his buddy and says I've been making alot of Freudian slips lately. The other day I was at the train station and there was a beautiful woman behind the ticket window with huge breasts. Instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh I asked for a picket to Tittsburg.
Wow, said his friend, the same thing happened to me the other day. My wife and I were having dinner and I meant to say "Hunny, could you pass the salt" and instead I said "You bitch, you ruined my life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emmztw/freudian_slip/
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So I watched a zombie movie recently...

The survivors boarded themselves in an old furniture store. They had a nice camp setup with beds, lounges, workbenches, and thrived for several years. At least until the virus mutated and jumped to inanimate objects. Then the tables turned...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emmvk1/so_i_watched_a_zombie_movie_recently/
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World War I

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emmo6v/world_war_i/
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A Rabbi and a Priest are out golfing,

The Priest takes his first shot and gets a hole in one. He smiles, then tells the Rabbi it's his turn. The Rabbi takes his shot, and completely missed the golf ball. The Rabbi then shouts,
"Shit, I missed!"
The Priest shakes his head and says,
"I would like it if you didn't utter such unholy words."
The Rabbi shrugs and they continue playing. The Rabbi goes for a second turn, and he misses the ball again and says,
"Shit, I missed again!"
The Priest glares at the Rabbi and tells him sternly,
"This is your last warning. If you utter such unholy words once more I will have to ask God to strike you."
The Rabbi shrugs and they keep playing. The Rabbi goes again and sure enough, he misses the ball. Frustrated, the Rabbi shouts,
"Shit, I missed again!"
The Priest sighs and says,
"Sorry Rabbi, I'm going to have to ask God to strike you."
The Priest turns his back to the Rabbi, and starts praying to God. All of a sudden, a giant bolt of lightning hits the Priest and kills him on the spot. The Rabbi is shocked but he then hears a booming voice come out of the sky saying,
"Shit, I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emmjw3/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_are_out_golfing/
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What’s the difference between Australia and Hell?

Scott Morrison hasn’t managed to fuck up hell yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emmis5/whats_the_difference_between_australia_and_hell/
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So a vowel saves another vowel's life.

The other vowel says, "Aye E! I owe you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emmibv/so_a_vowel_saves_another_vowels_life/
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Anti-vax mom: Doctor, my baby won't stop crying!

Doctor: He's just going through a mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emmdt4/antivax_mom_doctor_my_baby_wont_stop_crying/
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What is the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?

## Ironman is a superhero, Ironwoman is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emmcjv/what_is_the_difference_between_ironman_and/
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Three guys

are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emm9av/three_guys/
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What does an old person do when they're hit by a car

They retire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emm7o4/what_does_an_old_person_do_when_theyre_hit_by_a/
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Paddy rode his bike to the bottle shop to get some whiskey

After choosing a bottle he walked out to his bike.
He was just about to put the bottle in the basket on his bike for the ride home but then he thought if I falls off it might break.
So he drank it first............. which turned out to be a very good decision because he fell off 7 times on the way home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emm2ss/paddy_rode_his_bike_to_the_bottle_shop_to_get/
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When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emm1ta/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
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A man walks into a bar

He sees all the women swooning over Albert Einstein,
The man asks the bartender “why is there so many women by Albert Einstein?”
The bartender says “he is very thot provoking“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emlz9h/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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There are eleven types of people in the world

Those that understand Roman numerals and those that don’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emlslb/there_are_eleven_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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2 Jewish guys are walking down a street...

...when they see a Catholic church with a sign out front that says "Convert today and get $1000 dollars". The first Jewish guy says "Can you believe their chutzpah, thinking someone would convert for money?!". The other Jewish guy says "A thousand dollars?! I'm gonna go for it!" and runs into the church.
Well the first guy is shocked, he stands outside waiting for his friend who comes out 30 minutes later counting hundred dollar bills. The first guy says to his friend "I cannot believe you! How can you turn your back on your religion, your family, forsake every spiritual thing you held dear, for $1000 dollars?!"
The other guy looks up from counting his money and says "Wow, it's always about money with you people, isn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emlqx5/2_jewish_guys_are_walking_down_a_street/
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Why don’t you see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emlp5k/why_dont_you_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
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Anyone who thought Trump was gonna pull the US out of the middle east is an idiot.

I mean if he was any good at pulling out, he probably wouldn't have 5 kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emlglk/anyone_who_thought_trump_was_gonna_pull_the_us/
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Why did Prohibition end at the end of the 1920s?

Because you need a drink to get over a great depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eml3b3/why_did_prohibition_end_at_the_end_of_the_1920s/
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Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like an apple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eml06u/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
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A man walks into a zoo and the only thing there is a dog...

It’s a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emkppn/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo_and_the_only_thing_there/
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Workers at the sewage treatment plant went on a strike.

It was a really shitty situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emkn3x/workers_at_the_sewage_treatment_plant_went_on_a/
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Did you hear about the karate champion who joined the army?

It was pretty bad. The first time he saluted, he almost killed himself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emkapo/did_you_hear_about_the_karate_champion_who_joined/
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Where does a rabbit live?

In a rabbitat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emk6va/where_does_a_rabbit_live/
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NSFW I came close to death today!

Yeah..............I was masturbating in the cemetary again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emk0ty/nsfw_i_came_close_to_death_today/
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A German tourist jumps into freezing water to save my dog from drowning...

After he climbed out, he hands me my dog and says
“Here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off and he vill be fine.”
“Are you a vet?” I replied
“Vet?” He said “I’m fucking soaked”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emjz5c/a_german_tourist_jumps_into_freezing_water_to/
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Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.

It was the least I could do for the guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emjynn/yesterday_i_spotted_an_albino_dalmatian/
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What's the difference between black humor and morbid humor

Black humor is 10 babies in one trash can.
Morbid humor is one baby in 10 trash cans.
It's old joke, sorry if you heard it already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emjwz0/whats_the_difference_between_black_humor_and/
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My gf is like the square root of -100...

A solid 10 but still imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emjtr1/my_gf_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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What's the square root of 69????

8 something.
Havent seen this one and I've been scrolling for hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emjtkp/whats_the_square_root_of_69/
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Did you hear the story about the guy who couldn’t see, hear, smell, feel, or taste?

It made no sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emjoqh/did_you_hear_the_story_about_the_guy_who_couldnt/
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What has four legs and eats ants?

Two uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emjn0r/what_has_four_legs_and_eats_ants/
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A man scared me in Persia,

So Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emjmiw/a_man_scared_me_in_persia/
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What do you call a potato on Kim Jong Un’s balls?

A dictator.
Came up with this in my history class haha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emjm2q/what_do_you_call_a_potato_on_kim_jong_uns_balls/
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Match.com is for relationships, Tinder is for hookups, ChristianMingle...

...is for anal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emjlin/matchcom_is_for_relationships_tinder_is_for/
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A woman sits in her seat on a plane.

As she gets her pillow and mask out preparing for the long flight ahead, she hears the man sitting beside her sneeze. She looks over to say "bless you", but before she can get the words out she is startled to see the man unzipping his trousers. He pulls out his penis, wipes it off, tucks it back in, and zips up his trousers.
The woman is in absolute disbelief. She starts to wonder if her mind is playing tricks on her, because there is no way that is what hap... The man sneezes again. The woman looks over, and again, the man unzips his trousers, pulls out his penis, wipes it off, tucks in back in, and zips up like nothing happened.
Now the woman knows her mind is not playing tricks on her and she is furious. She looks over at the man and says "excuse me!" Just as he sneezes again, and again he unzips, pulls out, wipes off, tucks, zips, and turns to the woman and says "sorry, can I help you?"
The woman starts letting him have it. "That is unacceptable! If you think for one second I am going to out up with that disgusting display this entire flight you have a..." "Sorry ma'am," the man interrupts, "but I have a medical condition, that causes me to have an orgasm everytime I sneeze."
The woman feeling a bit embarrassed that she was so judgemental, starts to feel some sympathy for the man, and in a caring voice says "I am very sorry for my reaction, that must be a very hard condition to live with. You are very brave to live a normal life. Tell me, do you take anything for your condition?"
The man replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact, pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emjhul/a_woman_sits_in_her_seat_on_a_plane/
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IHOP is allowing all Mexican men in the U.S. legally to show ID and get 10% off.

It's their new señor citizen discount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emje97/ihop_is_allowing_all_mexican_men_in_the_us/
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Is buttcheeks one word

Or should I spread them apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emjco2/is_buttcheeks_one_word/
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What's much worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emjbmy/whats_much_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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Blonde Joke (oldie but a goodie)

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are standing in front of a firing squad about to be executed. The executioner chooses the redhead first...
Executioner - Do you have any words to say before you die?
Redhead - no
Executioner - ready, aim...
(The redhead screams) "TORNADO!"
**Everyone scatters and the redhead gets away**
The executioner chooses the brunette next...
Executioner - Do you have any words to say before you die?
Brunette - no
Executioner - ready, aim...
(The brunette witnesses what the redhead did and screams) "HURRICANE!"
**Everyone scatters and the brunette gets away**
The executioner tells the blonde to take their place.
Executioner - Do you have any words to say before you die?
Blonde - no
Executioner - ready, aim...
(and the blonde screams) "FIRE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emjaw0/blonde_joke_oldie_but_a_goodie/
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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar,

She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emj96o/a_guy_meets_a_sex_worker_in_a_bar/
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You’re not completely useless,

You can always serve as a bad example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emj6pm/youre_not_completely_useless/
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A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”.

I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emj5oi/a_german_tourist_jumped_into_the_water_to_save_my/
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You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emj5k1/you_matter/
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What do you call the sweat under the scrotum that happens during sex with your sister?

Relative humidity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emj5ir/what_do_you_call_the_sweat_under_the_scrotum_that/
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Why did 10 have pdsd?

He was in the middle of 911

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emj07o/why_did_10_have_pdsd/
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A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emiyqk/a_guy_is_late_for_an_important_meeting/
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A soldier is running from the Military Police

He spots a Nun and says, "Sister, Sister. Please let me hide inside your habit! I'll explain why later."
The sister nods an okay and the soldier hides. The MP gets there and asked the Nun if she saw a soldier pass by.
The Nun, in a nervous and squeaky voice says, "Yes! He went that way!"
Once the MP cleared, the soldier comes out and says, "Thank you so much! I'm hiding from them because they're trying to deploy me to fight in Iran, and I just don't want that! Hope you don't mind me saying, but you have really firm and nicely shaped calves! Your thighs look really firm!"
The Nun abruptly says, "Son! Stop! If you would have looked any higher you would have seen my balls! I too don't want to go fight in Iran!"
(Note: My thanks, my respect, my love and appreciation to all who service and have serviced in the military!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emiwmn/a_soldier_is_running_from_the_military_police/
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Do you know why a cow has hooves?

Because it lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emit0v/do_you_know_why_a_cow_has_hooves/
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Did you hear about the guy who slipped and hit his head in the shower?

It was a bloodbath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emimuj/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_slipped_and_hit/
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Passed an auto parts store today and saw a sign that read, “Dead batteries, $1”

I thought, those should be free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emilsl/passed_an_auto_parts_store_today_and_saw_a_sign/
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Did you hear that McDonalds is releasing a burger in honor of Michael Jackson called the McJackson burger?

It's a 30 year old piece of meat between some 10 year old buns.
(I apologize, I know this one is really bad)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emiiwj/did_you_hear_that_mcdonalds_is_releasing_a_burger/
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I hate when people pet baby goats

You’re literally touching kids, perverts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emih77/i_hate_when_people_pet_baby_goats/
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How do you identify the gender of an ant?

Throw it in water;
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant.
If it floats, it’s buoyant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emig8z/how_do_you_identify_the_gender_of_an_ant/
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My father said to me, 'Son, don't take the easy way out.'

In hindsight, I think he wanted me to die in that house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emie2y/my_father_said_to_me_son_dont_take_the_easy_way/
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Have you heard about that new Native American rapper?

He calls himself Li’l Bighorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emhspb/have_you_heard_about_that_new_native_american/
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Last night I woke up to someone pounding on my front door.

I went downstairs to see what the hell was going on and there was a hooker beating on my door!
You: OMG, what did you do?
Me: I let her out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emhscl/last_night_i_woke_up_to_someone_pounding_on_my/
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Bill brings home his girlfriend to meet his mother...

Bill's mom scans her up and down with a stern face..
M: "Give it up, you can find plenty better"
B: "BUT MOM, I LOVE HER...!"
M: "I was talking to her..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emhhx8/bill_brings_home_his_girlfriend_to_meet_his_mother/
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A hermit crab decided to move into a lovely new home in a swanky neighbourhood.

He really had to shell out for that place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emhbwv/a_hermit_crab_decided_to_move_into_a_lovely_new/
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I walked into a library and said to the librarian "Excuse me, do you have The Grapes of Wrath?"

He said "No, I always walk like this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emh8jf/i_walked_into_a_library_and_said_to_the_librarian/
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In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.

And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit.
He's the Chip Monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emh60m/in_las_vegas_people_can_tithe_by_dropping_casino/
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Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building

That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud.
So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man:
"Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?"
So Mike does. That night the young couple begins. After a while Mike calls out
"This ok John?"
"Yuuup! Fine!"
After a while he calls again
"This alright Johnny?"
"Fiine, fine!"
And a third time
"This alright, pal?"
"Mike! Take the ducktape off!"
"What? Why?!"
"The entire building thinks you're fucking me!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emgzkz/newlyweds_are_going_at_it_in_their_apartment/
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I haven't had sex in a while.

Starting to think I should setup a gofuckme page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emgyvr/i_havent_had_sex_in_a_while/
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what do Nascar drivers and hookers have in common?

they both know how to finish fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emgy7t/what_do_nascar_drivers_and_hookers_have_in_common/
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How do you take depression away from a tree?

Cut the rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emgpea/how_do_you_take_depression_away_from_a_tree/
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A Kid Learns New Words

So there's mom and dad and the kid. So the kid comes home from school one day and hears his parents fighting and calling each other bitches and hoes. The kid asks "Mom, Dad, what are bitches and hoes?" They say that's another word for friends and family. Okay, so the kid goes to bed. Later that night his parents are having sex and he hears the words dicks and titties. He asks "What are dicks and titties?" The parents say that it's another word for coats and hats. Okay so the kid goes to sleep. In the morning, his dad is shaving. The dad cuts himself and says shit. The kid asks "Dad, what is shit?" The dad says that shit is shaving cream. Later in the day, his mom is cooking the turkey for thanksgiving incorrectly, and she says fuck. The kid asks "Mom, what does fuck mean?" She replies with "Fuck means to prepare a turkey." That night, his relatives and family friends are at the door. They came to have thanksgiving dinner. The kid answers the door and says: "Come on in you bitches and hoes. Hang your dicks and titties on the coat rack. Mommy's in the kitchen fucking the turkey, while Daddy's upstairs rubbing shit on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emglih/a_kid_learns_new_words/
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R.I.P Dense water vapour

You will be forever Mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emgkhj/rip_dense_water_vapour/
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What is the difference between a Jew and a Bullet?

A bullet leaves the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emgkgi/what_is_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_bullet/
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Why do they have air conditioning in paralysis hospitals?

To keep the vegetables fresh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emgjfa/why_do_they_have_air_conditioning_in_paralysis/
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Two robins stuffed themselves with worms until they were too fat to fly.

Since the birds couldn’t go anywhere, they decided to just sit and soak up the sun.
Along came a cat, and it ate them.
Licking its paws, the cat said, “I just love baskin’ robins!”
(Apparently yesterday's joke was no good, but I like this one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emgjb7/two_robins_stuffed_themselves_with_worms_until/
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How do boomers change lightbulbs?

They don't they just complain and talk about how good the old one was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emgi6u/how_do_boomers_change_lightbulbs/
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How did the sperm cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emghoe/how_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had.

It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emggyh/i_got_drunk_and_drew_up_a_graph_showing_all_of/
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Has anyone tried calling the tinnitus helpline?

I did, it just keeps ringing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emgffp/has_anyone_tried_calling_the_tinnitus_helpline/
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On a fine Sunday the church was full...

The father was preaching while suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "Patrick you Bastard"
In about 20 mins she screams again "Patrick you Bastard"
This goes on through out the whole session and as people were leaving, father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what was troubling her.
She says "not here father"
So he takes her to his room and asks her to share her grief. She removes her coat which exposes her deep cleavage and says "it's very shameful farther I cannot say it "
So the farther assures her that nothing can be shameful for him. And offers to act out whatever she would say.
She agrees and begins "I met Patrick about 3 months ago in this church, we started taking and liked each other"
She continued "one day he invited me to his house where he hugged me'..... oh it's so embarrassing,  i won't be able to say it!"
"Nothing is embarrassing my child" said the father and went close to her and hugged her "is this how he hugged you?"
"Yes father" she continued "then he pulled me close to him and k..k.. kissed me. oh this is so embarrassing"
Father now getting aroused and staring down her cleavage says "please my child, continue... did he kiss you like this?" And he kisses her.
"Yes father" she continued "then he slowly took my top off..ohh....."
Before she could say anything farther pulls her top off "like this my child? "
"Yes farther" she says getting somewhat comfortable now. "Then he slid my skirt off"
Before she's finished saying it, the testosterone charged father pulls her skirt down in a flash "like this? "
"Yes father, then he took his clothes off"
Sex craven father rips his clothes off!
"Then he lay me down and climbed on top of me"
Father need not be told anything else he did exactly that.
"Then he fucked me"
Ranting Father could not hold it back and vigorously screwed her for an hour making up for all the lost time.
After he finished, the father said ""that sounds pretty normal, so what went wrong"
Its after that he confessed to me that he had Aids!
This time father's thunderous voice echoes through the church "PATRICK, YOU BASTARD!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emg9w3/on_a_fine_sunday_the_church_was_full/
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Why shouldn't you make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Because she's thick and tired of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emg9ti/why_shouldnt_you_make_fun_of_a_fat_girl_with_a/
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Two Scottish Nuns

Two  Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the  other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs!"
"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding  emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they  both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The  vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in  foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap  their 'dogs'.
The mother superior  was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to  the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emg85o/two_scottish_nuns/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emg40t/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I tried model glue the other day

She still got away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emg16r/i_tried_model_glue_the_other_day/
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I saw a black guy riding a bike yesterday...

Thought it was mine.
Then i checked the garage and it was still there chained up, asking for food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emfufx/i_saw_a_black_guy_riding_a_bike_yesterday/
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You know why I don't like bad hookers?

They really rub me the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emfrkm/you_know_why_i_dont_like_bad_hookers/
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An undercover Iranian soldier was captured by the US military and was under interrogation...

US soldier : - *smacks the captured soldier* - "who sent you?"
Iranian soldier : - "Madiq"
US soldier : - "Madiq who?"
Iranian soldier : - "Suq madiq!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emfm7g/an_undercover_iranian_soldier_was_captured_by_the/
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My friend told me this today

Life is like a dick, it’s the woman that make it hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emfi1g/my_friend_told_me_this_today/
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The phone rings at KGB headquarters

“Hello?”
“Hello, is this KGB?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood.”
“This will be noted.”
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz’s house.
“Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?”
“Yes.”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yes, they did.”
“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emfhiv/the_phone_rings_at_kgb_headquarters/
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Why didn't Hitler get accepted to art school?

Because he didn't like to mix colours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emeuy2/why_didnt_hitler_get_accepted_to_art_school/
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Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emes4b/ole_and_sven_die_in_a_snowmobiling_accident_and/
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My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess

So I gave her to my enemy as part of a border agreement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emeqob/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_treat_her_like_a_princess/
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MY friend wanted to be buried with all of his cash.

A millionaire friend of mine found out that he had cancer. Being unmarried and with no children, he wanted to make sure none of his extended family got any of his money so we came up with a plan.
He would leave all of his money to me with the express instructions that I was to bury him with it. None of his family was to ever receive a dime.
Time goes on and he finally passes.
At the funeral I show up in a brand new lexus, brand new 500 dollar suit, a woman under each arm, and a diamond chain around my neck.
My friend's sister came up to me very angry. "How can you afford all of this? I thought you were supposed to bury all of the cash with him?" I just smiled at her and calmly said. "I did. I wrote him a check."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emekhh/my_friend_wanted_to_be_buried_with_all_of_his_cash/
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I once called a psychic

She asked who this was, so I hung up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emedqq/i_once_called_a_psychic/
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An art thief once stole some very expensive paintings from the Louvre in Paris. He took two Van Goghs, a couple Monets, a DeGas, and some other paintings.

Everything went perfectly, except he was captured sitting in his van with the paintings only 2 blocks from the museum, his van had run out of fuel!
When asked by the police how he could plan such a successful robbery and then be foiled by such a simple error, he replied...
"I had no Monet to buy DeGas to make the Van Gogh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eme9vj/an_art_thief_once_stole_some_very_expensive/
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There was once a man

Let's call him Jim. Jim had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had 2 wonderful sons. Jim was set for life. But he was bored.
It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite know when it set in, but it absorbs your whole life. His job, home, kids, it lacked the excitement he craved, and while he was happy with his wife, and proud of his sons, he always had the nagging feeling of wanting more from his life. He wanted excitement.
On one particularly unremarkable Sunday, Jim was on his daily walk. His town was big on agriculture, and Jim enjoyed walking the dirt track by the many fields of crops and livestock. On this particular day, he heard a voice singing in the distance. The voice was a woman's, and had a beautiful tone to it that Jim couldn't resist. He immediately headed in the direction of the voice, trying to find the woman to whom it belonged.
After 10 minutes of the voice growing louder and louder, Jim wound up by a field of beautiful brown horses. This was where the voice was coming from, but Jim saw no sign of any woman. He scanned around him, but he was the only person in sight. He started to wonder if maybe the boredom had finally driven him insane, when one of the nearby horses through her head up, and clear as day sang out
"Jolene, Jolene, Jolene Joleeeeeeeene."
Jim was completely blown away by this. It was happening, clear as day, in front of his very eyes, the horse was singing in perfect English, with perfect pitch, and a tone that could rival Dolly Parton herself. When she finished her song and returned to her grazing, Jim approached her. A brilliant idea on his mind.
"Excuse me," Jim spoke. "I heard you sing just now, and my God it was absolutely beautiful. How did you learn that?"
The horse stared back at him, a little shy, but eventually answered. "The farmers play the songs, I sing the ones I like."
Jim asked "Do the farmers know you can speak?"
The horse shook her head. "You're the first who's ever heard my singing sir."
John scratched his chin, his idea growing more and more. Without speaking, he vaulted over the fence and made his way up the hill to the farmer's cottage. He knocked on the door and was greeted by a 60 something year old man who reeked of tobacco and booze.
"Excuse me," John spoke, "I know this sounds insane but I'd like to buy one of your horses. I'm willing to pay $5000 for her." Jim had quite a lot of money saved, and his plan was guaranteed to make him rich beyond measure.
The farmer didn't take much convincing, as 5000 was quite a generous amount, and he had 14 other horses in his field. The two men shook hands, and Jim made his way back to the singing horse.
"Hi again. Listen, the world needs to hear your singing. I've spoken to your farmer and he's agreed for you to be released into my care. I'd like to be your manager, and together we can make you the most famous singer in the world."
The horse was awestruck. She had never assumed she was good enough to be a star. She immediately agreed, and followed John home.
2 weeks later, the first gig was announced for Millie the singing Horse. Many thought it was a cheap scam, but morbid curiosity brought enough people to the venue. Overnight, Millie became a global superstar. People from all over the world wanted to come and see Millie perform live. She appeared as a guest on just about every talk show you could imagine, and every venue she played sold out completely.
After 3 years, Millie's career was still growing strong. She had released 2 studio albums, and was booked to play Madison Square garden the following night. Jim was also doing incredibly well for himself, and he, his wife, and two sons were all living high in the lap of luxury, all of them set up to never need to work a day for the rest of their lives.
In preparation for the Madison Square gig, Millie had flown up to New York ahead of Jim and the others, who were set to join her the following night. Their plane was scheduled to land in an hour when she got the call.
"Hello Millie?"
"Yes, speaking."
"This is Dan Byrne with the TSA, I'm afraid we have some terrible news. The plane that your manager, Jim Norton was on, unfortunately crashed. There weren't any survivors."
Millie dropped the phone in shock. Jim, her best friend, the one who had believed in her and made her the celebrity she was, was dead. His whole family with him. She called the venue to cancel the performance, apologising to her fans, but she was just not able to perform. The pain was too much.
After several hours of lying on the floor in the hotel room, waiting to wake up from the horrible nightmare she now found herself in, she decided she needed a strong drink.
She made her way down to the hotel bar, where the bartender approached her and said
"Hey, why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eme6ag/there_was_once_a_man/
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A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eme2p2/a_guy_bursts_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
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An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"

The student replied, "It is obviously past."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emdp2y/an_old_teacher_asked_her_student_if_i_say_i_am/
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A gay old man in a nursing home is being cared for by a sexy male nurse.

The old man is flirting with the nurse, telling him what a strapping young man he is. Then the old man says, "Sonny, I'm thirsty. Could you bring me something to drink please?"
The nurse agrees and brings him a glass of water. The old man says, "I don't really want water, sonny. Could you bring me something else?"
The nurse then brings him a glass of milk. The old man says, "I'm sorry sonny but milk upsets my stomach. Could you maybe bring me something else?"
Exasperated, the nurse brings him a glass of apple juice. The old man says, "I never really liked apple juice, sonny. It gives me gas."
Finally the nurse says, "Well what do you want to drink then?"
The old man says, "How about some Sunny D?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emdaav/a_gay_old_man_in_a_nursing_home_is_being_cared/
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At this point I know so much about psychology

... that I could probably write a whole book about the Diane Kruger effect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emd5sz/at_this_point_i_know_so_much_about_psychology/
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Why do zombies have no interest in solving easy puzzles?

Because they are no-brainers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emd08c/why_do_zombies_have_no_interest_in_solving_easy/
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Army Joke?

I guess this joke is pretty popular in the armed forces, so I apologize if this is a repeat!
So anyways, once there was a guy, let’s call him Steve. So Steve has always had trouble with women. His first wife left him, his second wife passed away, and his third ended up having an affair. Feeling very lost and depressed, Steve decided that in order to leave the troubles of the dating world, he would enlist in the US Army.
So come another 3 months or so after his enlistment, Steve gets deployed to do a tour in Iraq. The first couple of months were relatively easy, getting settled, enjoying the comradery, etc etc. However, after a while, the urges came. Steve desired the touch of a woman. So he went and found his friend in his platoon to ask his opinion.
“Hey Delgado, sitting around and smoking cigarettes all day sucks.. What do you do when.. you know.. you need the touch of a woman?” Steve asked.
Delgado turned and pointed towards a stable at the end of the driveway.
“You see that camel over there?”
As soon as he looked, Steve felt uneasy. But after a moment of pondering his next 6 months deployed on a base with no women in sight, he decided that if most other men did it too, how bad could it be?
So Steve immediately takes off running, all the while unbuckling his belt and starting to remove his trousers. The other privates watch in horror as they hear sounds of bellowing and grunting, and after a while, Steve emerges from the stable. He was covered in bruises and scratches, his hair was disheveled, but he was smiling.
His platoon leader rushes up to him, a look of concern on his face.
“Steve! What in God’s name did you do to the camel?”
Steve’s satisfied expression was replaced with sheepish embarrassment.
“Well, Delgado said to go to the camel stable when I needed to get my rocks off.” Steve explained, puzzled.
“Private, you were supposed to ride the camel into town...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emcsjp/army_joke/
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Died laughing

Had my first gig as a stand-up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emcsbk/died_laughing/
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Everyone knows David!

David was bragging to his boss one day, he said, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, David, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So David and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"David! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, David's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells David that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," David says.
"President Trump," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," David says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Trump spots David on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting the Governor, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up, you know I don't give a shit about the Governor."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House he expresses his doubts to David, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says David. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
David and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when David says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later David emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time David returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, David asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with David?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emcoai/everyone_knows_david/
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Three idiots, from the Midwest, I’ll have to call them idiots because their shenanigans were exactly that, idiotic...

Nothing to do with them being from the Midwest but more to do with the fact that they were midway into their cups.
One summer day as they lay in a field somewhere, taking in some sun, each with a half drunk bottle of wine in them they began to get bored.
Idiot No #1 says to idiots, #2 and #3, “I wonder which one of us can fart the farthest.”
“Yeah," agrees #2.
\#3 says, “I have an idea—let’s stick the corks from the wine bottles up our butts and then fart. We can see whose cork goes farthest and then we'll know!”
“Yeah, yeah," idiots #1 and #2 chime in, excited.
They rise up from where they were laying and all three remove their pants and underwear, they each stuff a cork up their butt.
Did I say they were idiots?
Idiot #1 shoots the backdoor breeze first. The cork whizzes through the air and lands about an acre away.
Idiot #2 says, “I can do better," and takes position wiggling his butt in the air in preparation. He farts and *swish* ————→ out flies the cork, they searched for it and they found it four acres away,
“Top that," says idiot #2 to idiot #3.
“Oh, yeah, watch this I’m going to beat you both," says #3.
He takes position, lines his butt up towards the field, red in the face for having the cork up his butt the longest, and finally farts, releasing the cork to a boom that breaks the speed barrier.
He pulls up his pants and the three Idiots begin searching for the cork. They search and search, into the night, but can't find the cork.
Finally, they give up and go home.
The next morning the idiots meet for coffee as they are drinking their coffee idiot #1 pulls out the daily newspaper from his back pocket and reads the headline:
**Flying Cork Kills Elephant in Africa.**
The idiots, being idiots, stare at each other, dumbfounded.
Idiot #3 says, “Hey fellas, someone stole my idea."
Did I say they were idiots?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emcjuj/three_idiots_from_the_midwest_ill_have_to_call/
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What’s the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?

A bad marksman shoots but can’t hit.
A constipated owl hoots but can’t shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emcj7b/whats_the_difference_between_a_constipated_owl/
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Pandas

What does it sound like when Pandas make love?
Panda-moanium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emcie4/pandas/
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An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emcfsm/an_attractive_young_woman_on_a_flight_from/
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A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bustling bar and gets up to leave. . .

A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm gonna sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I *really* don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!"
True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the \[now silent\] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "Mister? What was it you done in Texas?"
The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "I had to walk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emcbck/a_rough_and_tough_cowboy_finishes_his_drink_at_a/
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Holmes and Watson

... are each having a piss behind the corner.
"Holmes, why is my pee so loud and yours so silent?"
"My good doctor, that is easy. Because you are pissing on my shoes but I am pissing in your pocket".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emc522/holmes_and_watson/
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I never had a 401k...

But I used to have a 404k, but I can't find it anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emc2q3/i_never_had_a_401k/
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A father decides to buy a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test the robot at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. The boy said "I did my homework." The robot slaps him. "Okay, okay! I watched a movie at my friend's house" said the boy. "What movie did you watch?" asked the father. The boy said "Toy Story." The Robot slapped him. "Okay, okay! We watched porn!" said the boy. "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!" said the father. The robot slapped him. The mother laughed "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slapped her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/embyqk/a_father_decides_to_buy_a_lie_detecting_robot/
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How did the broom find a Girlfriend?

He swept her off her feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/embuac/how_did_the_broom_find_a_girlfriend/
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skiing buddies

Three men go on a skiing trip, but when they get to the HOTEL they find out that the hotel have mucked up their rooms and they have to share one big bed. When they wake up the guy on the left says I had a well strange dream last night that I was getting a hand job, and then the guy on the right goes thats strange i had the same dream I was getting a hand job. Then the guy in the middle goes well thats strange because I had a dream I was skiing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/embnka/skiing_buddies/
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A rabbit hops into a bar

And asks the bartender for a ham and cheese toastie.
The bartender, surprised, forks it over and says 'two pounds, please'
The rabbit pays and leaves.
The next day, the same rabbit comes in and asks the same thing- '' ham and cheese toastie, please''
This goes on for quite some time, until one day the bartender says they are flat out of ham.''I can, however, do you a cheese and onion. ''
'' I'll try it. '' says the rabbit.
The next day, the rabbit wakes up with a tingling sensation. He looks around and says '' hey! You're Saint Peter! I'm in heaven. So how did I die? ''
'' well, '' says the saint, and whispers the answer in the rabbits ear. Rabbit looks shocked
After being let in, he sees his grandma rabbit, who shouts out '' oooh! Is that you, Jimmy? ''
And rabbit gloomily replies''yes.''
'' What are you here for, then? '' asks grandma
Jimmy pauses, and then says''mixin-me-toasties. ''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emblpn/a_rabbit_hops_into_a_bar/
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A blonde lady drives a Ferrari on the motorway with 19 km/h

She’s pulled over and the police officer asks why she’s driving so slowly.
She says because A19 is displayed everywhere. To which the cop remarks that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.
Then he asks why the passenger looks so pale and unwell.
She responds: I have no idea. He’s been like that ever since we left A320.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/embkyv/a_blonde_lady_drives_a_ferrari_on_the_motorway/
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Why do people enjoy camouflage jokes so much?

They never see them coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/embf8o/why_do_people_enjoy_camouflage_jokes_so_much/
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A sheriff walks into a bar...

A sheriff walks into a bar and says, "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?  He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants and a brown paper jacket."
The bartender says, "What's he wanted for?"
"Rustlin'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/embeqn/a_sheriff_walks_into_a_bar/
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What’s Luke Skywalkers favorite type of retirement account?

A Hoth IRA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emazhp/whats_luke_skywalkers_favorite_type_of_retirement/
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Yesterday night I was talking to my wife about euthanasia

I insisted that in case I become incapacitated in any way, I wish to be taken off all the equipment that keeps me artificially alive and left to die in peace.
She said ok and then stood up, turned off the TV and the computer and threw away the beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emaxdx/yesterday_night_i_was_talking_to_my_wife_about/
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How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

"Let's go ride our bikes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emaxa5/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A burglar broke into a large dark house....

As he’s rummaging through the drawers he hears a voice from the dark, it says
“Jesus is watching you”
He shines his torch he around but cannot see anyone so continues his nefarious deed.
A few seconds later the voice is back
“Jesus is watching you”
He again looks around with his torch but cannot see anyone
As he continues, the voice speaks again, “buddy, seriously, Jesus is coming for you now”
He shouts “WHO THE FUCK IS JESUS?!”
The light comes on and the owner is stood at the top of the stairs and says “my Rottweiler”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emawrd/a_burglar_broke_into_a_large_dark_house/
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What will you call a dog with a hammer ??

Labra'Thor'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emau1o/what_will_you_call_a_dog_with_a_hammer/
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Why does 10 have ptsd?

It was right in between 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emaskc/why_does_10_have_ptsd/
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The punch line is told first.

How do you destroy a joke ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emamyq/the_punch_line_is_told_first/
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What do Jeffrey Epstein and Qasem Soleimani have in common?

Neither killed themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emam6n/what_do_jeffrey_epstein_and_qasem_soleimani_have/
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Johnny was watching an adult movie with Mary

Johnny gets a hard-on
Obviously Mary started asking right away: "Johnny what is that?" while pointing at Johnnys dick
Johnny being busy with other stuff answered quickly: "That's a stork"
Mary is still bored and starts asking again: "What is that?" while pointing at Johnnys balls
Johnny then answers: "Those are storks eggs"
Mary is still intrigued: "But Johnny what are these?" while pointing at the pubic hairs
Johnny isn't bothered by Marys stupid questions and says: "That's the storks nest leave me alone already"
The next day Johnny wakes up in a hospital bed and his groin is so painful
Noticing Mary he asks: "Mary, what happened to me?"
Mary answers: "Johnny, I played with your stork yesterday but it spat in my face! I got very angry, I broke the storks neck, smashed its eggs and set the nest on fire"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emajaz/johnny_was_watching_an_adult_movie_with_mary/
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Bought a really nice pen today. It can write underwater and in space....

and many other fine words .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emaij4/bought_a_really_nice_pen_today_it_can_write/
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How much does a satanist's soul weigh?

A pentagram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emagjb/how_much_does_a_satanists_soul_weigh/
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Mum, how do you spell clitoris?

I don’t know darling, ask your dad, it was on the tip of his tongue this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emag1a/mum_how_do_you_spell_clitoris/
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Wife: Honey, I'm going on a business trip to London.

....What gift do you want?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Husband: A British girl would be nice.
Wife: Okay.
*Wife completes her trip and returns home.*
Husband: So did you bring me a British girl?
Wife: Yeah.
Husband: Where is she?
Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/emaemj/wife_honey_im_going_on_a_business_trip_to_london/
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A man walks into a bar and says...

...Bartender!  I need a pint, and a shot. Then another pint and another shot. Then a pint and a shot. And then another pint and a shot.
The bartender starts pouring, and as fast as he can serve the drinks, the man is knocking them back.
Bartender says to the man “You okay mate?  What’s wrong”
Man replies “I really shouldn’t be drinking these with what I’ve got..”
“What’s that?” bartender enquires
“About three quid.....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ema0vr/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
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Blonde walks into an Electronics store

She walks up to one of the Items and taps the nearest sales person on the shoulder “excuse me sir, how much for that TV??”
The sales person looked her up and down and said “I’m sorry ma’am but we don’t sell TV’s to blondes”
The blonde gets upset and leaves the store.
She goes home furious and she dyes her hair black.
A few days later she returns to the store determined she grabs the TV and takes it to the cash register and says “I am buying this TV!”
The cashier looks her up and down and says, “I’m sorry ma’am but we don’t sell TV’s to blondes”
The blonde gets furious. She looks at herself in the mirror and yells at the cashier “why do you think I’m a blonde!?!”
The cashier looks her dead in the eye and says” because that’s not a TV, it’s a microwave”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ema0g6/blonde_walks_into_an_electronics_store/
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I was kidnapped by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em9mm3/i_was_kidnapped_by_mimes/
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Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

Cause they can never find home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em9ld4/why_are_orphans_so_bad_at_baseball/
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I think Harry Potter would fit in well working at the post office...

Apparently he's got the rare gift of being able to speak Parceltongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em9l3i/i_think_harry_potter_would_fit_in_well_working_at/
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The young couple next door to me recently made a sex tape

Obviously, they don't know that yet though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em9gez/the_young_couple_next_door_to_me_recently_made_a/
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I asked this lady if I could touch her hair.

She said yes, so I ran my paw across her top lip and that's how the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em9cy8/i_asked_this_lady_if_i_could_touch_her_hair/
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I got banned from yet ANOTHER gas station!

What is so wrong with wanting to try on the condoms before buying?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em9cpv/i_got_banned_from_yet_another_gas_station/
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How is Reddit like a steer’s horns?

A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em8yxx/how_is_reddit_like_a_steers_horns/
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One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em8wit/one_day_albert_einstein_was_on_his_way_to_a/
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A gorilla walks into a bar

A  gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the  bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make  the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give  it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill.  Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe  that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually  had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So,  in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to  make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he  stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and  see if the gorilla notices anything."
So  he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The  gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini.  After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em8w25/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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Herds of wild horses roam the banks of narrow Norwegian inlets.

The majestic Fjord Mustangs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em8q0f/herds_of_wild_horses_roam_the_banks_of_narrow/
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What’s the warmest part in a dead girls body?

My Penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em8pln/whats_the_warmest_part_in_a_dead_girls_body/
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How the hell do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em8loi/how_the_hell_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
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I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em8iau/i_told_my_wife_that_she_drew_her_eyebrows_a/
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What do you say when a mugger or a beautiful girl suspiciously approaches you?

I don’t have any money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em8abd/what_do_you_say_when_a_mugger_or_a_beautiful_girl/
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em7kgv/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_was_speaking_so_softly_at/
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What do you get when cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em76fz/what_do_you_get_when_cross_the_atlantic_with_the/
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I just watched my first porn movie yesterday..

..I was so young back then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em6ocm/i_just_watched_my_first_porn_movie_yesterday/
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I'm gonna start a cocaine delivery service

I'll call it instagram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em6mkk/im_gonna_start_a_cocaine_delivery_service/
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What's blue but weighs less?

Light blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em6ia7/whats_blue_but_weighs_less/
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What did one ass cheek say to the other ass cheek?

If we stick together, we can stop this shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em6gss/what_did_one_ass_cheek_say_to_the_other_ass_cheek/
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I don't know why people are so worried about Alex Trebek...

His life has always been in Jeopardy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em6euv/i_dont_know_why_people_are_so_worried_about_alex/
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Where do you find the meaning of life?

The dictionary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em643f/where_do_you_find_the_meaning_of_life/
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A stupid knight won a jousting tournament.

While awarding his prize, the king had to ask, "How does such a dumb man win a contest like this one?"
The squire answered, "All the points just go over his head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em5tux/a_stupid_knight_won_a_jousting_tournament/
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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu.  A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not avian flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.  By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The ornithological behaviorist very quickly determined the cause:  When crows eat road kill, they always have a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.  They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em5tci/researchers_for_the_massachusetts_turnpike/
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What do you call a girl who makes a lot of breast milk?

Dairy Queen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em5pan/what_do_you_call_a_girl_who_makes_a_lot_of_breast/
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A robber breaks into a bank.

Robber: Give me all the money you got, else this place will be a geography.
Cashier: Do you mean history?
Robber: Don't change the subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em5m96/a_robber_breaks_into_a_bank/
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What is it called when a hoe is trying to figure out what to wear before she leaves for the club?

A Thot Process

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em5k4r/what_is_it_called_when_a_hoe_is_trying_to_figure/
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Skipper was always bragging to his boss, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

One day, tired of Skipper’s boasting, his boss calls his bluff. “Okay, Skipper, how about Tom Cruise?”
“Sure, Tom and I are good friends, and I can prove it.” So Skipper and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Skipper! Great to see you! You and your friend should come join me for lunch!”
Although impressed, Skipper’s boss is still skeptical. As soon as they leave Tom Cruise’s house, he tells Skipper that he thinks that it was just lucky that Skipper knew Cruise.
“Go ahead, name anyone else.” says Skipper
“The president of the United States.” His boss quickly replies.
“Yes,” Skipper says, I know him. Let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go.  As they tour the White House, the president spots Skipper and motions him over, saying, “Skipper! What a surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting but first let me grab a cup of coffee and catch up with you.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Skipper, who again tells him to name anyone else.
“The Pope.” His boss suggests.
“Sure!” Says Skipper. “My family is very religious, and I’ve known the Pope for a long time.” So off they fly to Rome. Skipper and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Skipper says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so just let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd and headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Skipper emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But when Skipper returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss’s side, Skipper asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who’s that on the balcony with Skipper?’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em5hut/skipper_was_always_bragging_to_his_boss_you_know/
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Berlin's Hottest Nightclub

A hot new nightclub, Integers, opened up in Berlin. The club's
advertising referenced the "infinite" amount of space on the inside, and its excellent location downtown. The walls were sleek and black, with purple house lights and an immaculate sound system. Drinks were all priced at whole dollar amounts, and the staff wore minimalist black uniforms with numbers like sports jerseys.
Opening weekend came, and the venue was a smash hit. Lines ran around the block, but the club was always able to let more people in; celebrities raved about the minimalist aesthetic, and the bathroom attendants turned a blind eye to anything with a sufficient tip. It quickly became the most popular nightclub in Europe, drawing crowds from all across the continent to experience the new sensation.
With success, however, came conflict. The club's executives were split on how to move forwards as a brand; one half of the board wanted to expand rapidly, opening new Integer clubs all across the world. The other half wanted to remain in one location, maintaining the club's exclusivity and minimizing operational difficulties. Day after day, tensions inside the company grew. Finally, one fateful day, it was put to a board vote; the minimalists won out by a single vote. Half of the executive board walked out, never seen in the boardroom again.
As part of a deal struck to secure the extra vote, the newly reformed board had agreed to build an expansion to increase the club's capacity on busy nights. They purchased the lot next-door, and immediately began construction on a new area of the nightclub. Integers was going to be better than ever... or so management claimed.
For the first time since the club's opening night, a sign was hung on the door to alert patrons that the club wasn't open.
"Integers closed under addition"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em5hg4/berlins_hottest_nightclub/
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How did the eager young altar boy get the holy water ready for the priest?

He boiled the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em597v/how_did_the_eager_young_altar_boy_get_the_holy/
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I just can't believe I passed out at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em58nq/i_just_cant_believe_i_passed_out_at_the_bottom_of/
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What's the friendlist element out there?

Bro...wait for it...mine! Bromine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em54n2/whats_the_friendlist_element_out_there/
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The fat guy

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em53uy/the_fat_guy/
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I started carrying a knife ever since an attempted mugging a couple years ago

Ever since then my mugging success rate has gone up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em4z7q/i_started_carrying_a_knife_ever_since_an/
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A husband and wife were driving home one night

When they hit a beaver in the road. Seeing that the animal is still alive but hurt, they decide to take it to get some help.
Climbing back in the car with the beaver, the wife says “Aww, the poor thing must be cold it’s shivering so bad”.
The husband says, “Put it in the seat between your legs to warm it up”
The wife says, “But it’s all wet and smells really bad”
The husband says, “Well hold its nose then”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em4z4y/a_husband_and_wife_were_driving_home_one_night/
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A Canadian drove into the US in hopes of visiting Orange County.

He stopped at the first gas station he saw and asked the attendant for directions.
“Orange County?!” exclaimed the attendant. “You’re in fucking New York! Get out of my station, you crazy son of a bitch.”
The Canadian left, puzzled by the attendant’s impoliteness. He decided to drive south for a while, before stopping at another gas station. He walked inside and tried again to ask for directions.
“Orange County??” exclaimed the second attendant. “Who the hell would want to go there? Everything important happens here in DC. You should stick around and forget fucking California.”
While the Canadian found this response more agreeable, he was unimpressed by the attendant’s unwillingness to help. So he decided to drive even further south. After a long while, he stopped at yet another gas station, and once again asked for directions to Orange County.
“Well, that sure is a long way from Georgia,” said the attendant. “But let me see if I can help you out.” He then got out his iPhone and Google Mapped directions to Orange County.
Happy to have finally found what he needed, the Canadian looked eagerly at the phone. Suddenly, a reddit notification from r/jokes appeared on the screen.
“What’s this?” asked the Canadian.
“Oh, never mind that,” said the attendant with a chuckle. “You won’t find OC in there.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em4s05/a_canadian_drove_into_the_us_in_hopes_of_visiting/
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Ya know what I did when I got a draft notice?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em4ry2/ya_know_what_i_did_when_i_got_a_draft_notice/
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A man is walking a tight-rope between the 85th floors of 2 skyscrapers...

...another man, on the other side of the world, is receiving a blow-job from an 85 year old toothless woman.
They both are thinking the same thing.
*"Don't look down!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em4qho/a_man_is_walking_a_tightrope_between_the_85th/
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As a doctor, I would never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em4pb0/as_a_doctor_i_would_never_make_a_joke_about_an/
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Shout Out To My Grandpa

Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em4m8z/shout_out_to_my_grandpa/
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I had a really bad day today. I found out my girlfriend is pregnant, lost a bunch of money in some stocks, and burnt a pizza.

My pull out game weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em4lwm/i_had_a_really_bad_day_today_i_found_out_my/
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What movie has Rick Astley’s children never seen ?

Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em4io3/what_movie_has_rick_astleys_children_never_seen/
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A man is sitting on an airplane....

...next to this young woman. After a minute of being seated the woman sneezes. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed it looked like she took one tissue and appeared to wipe under her skirt.
“I might be seeing things,” he thought. But not even a couple minutes later she sneezes again. This time he clearly sees her wipe under her skirt. She then took a packet of some sort and held it to her nose.
She continued to do this every time she sneezed.
After a couple more sneezes, curiosity gets the best of the man and he says, “I gotta ask, how come every time you sneeze you wipe under your skirt?”
“Oh no worries. I have this rare condition where I have an orgasm every single time I sneeze,” she replied.
“That sounds awful,” the man said. He then gestured to the packet in her hand. “What are you taking for it?”
“Pepper,” she grinned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em4d56/a_man_is_sitting_on_an_airplane/
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What resembles a wife and a hand grenade?

Remove the ring, your house will be gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em4bms/what_resembles_a_wife_and_a_hand_grenade/
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What do you say after donating your blood to another man so it’s not gay?

No hemo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em4b6u/what_do_you_say_after_donating_your_blood_to/
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A priest is drunk and driving home

His disorderly driving reaches the attention of cops and they pull him over.
When they saw that it was a preist driving they were shocked and said "woah father how much have you been drinking?"
The preist looked at his water bottles and replied "Ah he's done it again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em41v7/a_priest_is_drunk_and_driving_home/
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I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician.

Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em3vov/i_have_a_polish_friend_whos_a_sound_technician/
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I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em3sdm/i_am_ok_with_alcohol_cigarettes_and_even_marijuana/
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A policeman pulled over two priests in a blue SUV for speeding

When the officer was writing them a ticket, his radio buzzed, "We are looking for two child molesters in a blue SUV. I repeat, we are looking for two child molesters, in a blue SUV."
The priests locked eyes for 10 seconds until one finally piped up, "We'll do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em3jv7/a_policeman_pulled_over_two_priests_in_a_blue_suv/
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I recently bought a toilet brush

But to be honest, I think I just prefer toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em3gs3/i_recently_bought_a_toilet_brush/
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Warden to guy on Death Row

Hey Fella, what do you want for your last meal??
Strawberries!
Warden responds... They’re out of Season
Then I’ll wait!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em3f50/warden_to_guy_on_death_row/
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I've named my car Curiosity

That way I'm not lying when I say Curiosity killed our cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em3d3u/ive_named_my_car_curiosity/
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What's the difference between sex and mental illness?

Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em3cfn/whats_the_difference_between_sex_and_mental/
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Wife: do you know why our son won’t wear the red shirt I laid out for him?

**Me:** nope.
[flashback to watching Star Trek]
**Me:** so the guy in the red shirt *always* dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em3blx/wife_do_you_know_why_our_son_wont_wear_the_red/
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What’s the difference between a French woman and a basketball team?

A basketball team actually showers after 4 periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em3bjn/whats_the_difference_between_a_french_woman_and_a/
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A man is getting ready for prom.

He goes to the store to get a tuxedo, and there’s a long tuxedo line.
Once he gets his tuxedo, he goes to a florist to buy flowers. Again, the line is out the door.
He goes to the limousine rental place and there’s also a line. It takes him forever to get a limousine.
Once he’s done, he picks up his date and they head to prom. There is a long line to get to prom.
Once they’re inside, his date wants something to drink. So, he goes over to the food/drink table and there’s no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em347v/a_man_is_getting_ready_for_prom/
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Joke from my 5 year old daughter. I found it pretty funny!

Why didn't the underwear cross the road?
Because it got stuck in the crack!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em2ra6/joke_from_my_5_year_old_daughter_i_found_it/
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Last night I went to a bar and the craziest thing happened. Some chick got her nipple pierced in front of me!

On an unrelated subject... I suck at darts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em2mf1/last_night_i_went_to_a_bar_and_the_craziest_thing/
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Why did the man poison a London bakery?

He wanted to kill two Brits with one scone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em2g3x/why_did_the_man_poison_a_london_bakery/
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Anti-vaxx stories never get old.

Neither do the children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em2est/antivaxx_stories_never_get_old/
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The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
They send in the police next, who get distracted by the aggressiveness of the black bears who weren’t doing anything.
(I mean no harm against all cops, this is a joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em2e1f/the_kgb_the_fbi_and_the_cia_are_all_trying_to/
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Why is no one scary the day before turning ten?

Because they benign

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em2b4a/why_is_no_one_scary_the_day_before_turning_ten/
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Which orphan is best at baseball?

Bat man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em29wm/which_orphan_is_best_at_baseball/
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Why was Kylo Ren so angry when the table next to him received their food ?

Because he was the First Order

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em296u/why_was_kylo_ren_so_angry_when_the_table_next_to/
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Not mine but still funny

A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne , IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'
(M)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em26ue/not_mine_but_still_funny/
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You can tell an ants gender by putting it in water...

...if it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em21kl/you_can_tell_an_ants_gender_by_putting_it_in_water/
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Why does the Swedish navy have bar codes on the sides of their ships ?

So that when they come back to port, they can scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em1y05/why_does_the_swedish_navy_have_bar_codes_on_the/
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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em1x80/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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Just finished watching a documentary on building ships....

It was riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em1wi3/just_finished_watching_a_documentary_on_building/
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Did you hear the joke about the unsharpened pencil?

Eh, never mind. There’s no point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em1sat/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_unsharpened_pencil/
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Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they don’t know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em1iaf/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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An Italian woman, an English woman, and a Czech woman are kidnapped by cannibals

As they lie tied up in ropes, the chieftain tells them: "We will kill you, cook you, eat you and make a canoe out of your skin. You can, however, chose the way of your death."
The Italian cries, "Bring me my gun!" She points it at her head, whispers "God bless the Italian people" and pulls the trigger.
The English woman asks for her first aid kit. She takes out a small pill, put it in between teeth, says "God save the queen" and swallows.
The Czech wishes for a fork. She looks at it for a while and then she stabs it in her leg. She pulls it out and stabs again. And again. On the other leg, body, and face, she even uses his left hand to stab the right one, every place she can reach. After a while, she is totally exhausted, lying in blood...but is still stabbing himself with the fork again and again. Nearly dead, she points the fork at the befuddled chieftain, grins, and says with a dying breath, "Good luck with the canoe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em1fmw/an_italian_woman_an_english_woman_and_a_czech/
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What's the difference between snot and broccoli?

Little kids won't eat broccoli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em1dix/whats_the_difference_between_snot_and_broccoli/
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My buddy was in a bad motorcycle accident, and while he was hospitalized, he had to have one of his feet amputated...

Once his girlfriend found out about the surgery, she immediately left him. Turns out she was Lack Toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em157b/my_buddy_was_in_a_bad_motorcycle_accident_and/
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A man gets a job as a fisherman on

a trawler. They stay out at sea for a few days and still 3 weeks until of voyage to go. The man then gets restless and ask one of his shipmate “I really need to release some built up tension, what do you guys do?.
His mate replied “No problem, you see that barrels with the hole in the middle? Just stick your dick in there and you’ll be fine”
The man  decided to give it a chance and as soon as he stuck his dick in felt this warm feeling and after a few seconds got the release he wanted. He then went again and again for the next few days. Then one day he mountes the barrel ans nothing happend. He asked his mate if the barrel was broken or what had happend.
The mate replied “Sorry man it’s tuesday, thats means it your turn in the barrel!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em13ca/a_man_gets_a_job_as_a_fisherman_on/
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What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?(NSFW)

I don’t care if she has either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em0zhz/what_does_an_orgasm_and_a_pulse_have_in_commonnsfw/
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A soldier walks in on his wife cheating

"Get out of my house!" the soldier yelled at the man.
As he was leaving the man turned and said, "thank you for your cervix".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em0wep/a_soldier_walks_in_on_his_wife_cheating/
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I made a disk out of iron that children can ride on

I guess you could call it a ferrous wheel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em0tz5/i_made_a_disk_out_of_iron_that_children_can_ride/
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Bungee jumper

There was a  small city in which was a park and at center of that park was a high tower.Once a professional bungee jumper came to visit this small town and saw this huge tower.He immediately went to shop and bought exact amount of rope he needed for jump.He climbed tower and prepared everything.Arround tower mass of people gathered to witness this crazy man.He jumped and exactly 1 m from ground rope stretched and pulled him back.People watched in disbelief,applauded to man and congratulated to him.All of this saw a local "man-that-can-do-anything" so he decided to do the same thing.Next day he immediately went to shop and bought rope,climbed tower,peope gathered.He jumped and at the moment everyone expected rope will stretch stopping him above ground,he smashed the ground at full speed.No one could believe what happened.Police,ambulance came his body parts where everywhere.Investigation was led to see what or who caused dead of innocent man.They checked rope,good,man had no enemies,everything clear. Next day they visited shop where he bought rope.
Lady working there when asked did that man bought this rope of that lenght she said yes and she said because he was my cousin I gave him extra couple meters,just in case he will need it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em0psi/bungee_jumper/
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My girlfriend is a half-Korean

Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em0f0k/my_girlfriend_is_a_halfkorean/
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What's the largest ant on earth called?

Elephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em08m9/whats_the_largest_ant_on_earth_called/
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- Would you believe me? Tom is so rich that he has a golden toilet in his house!

– No way! You have to be kidding me!
– Last weekend he had a house party, and I was there. I was really surprised when I saw his toilet!
– I don't believe you. Let's visit him.
The two friends go to Tom's house. The first one knocks on a door and he is welcomed by Tom's wife, who is surprised to see them.
– Hi there! My friend doesn't believe me, so tell him. Is it true that you have a golden toilet in your house?
The woman looks at the guy with a confused look on her face.
– Honey! - she shouts - I found the bastard who took a shit in your trombone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/em0348/would_you_believe_me_tom_is_so_rich_that_he_has_a/
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my wifes vagina tastes like tropical fruit

she'll let any mango in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elzxsc/my_wifes_vagina_tastes_like_tropical_fruit/
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I lost my job as a Shepard for never cutting the sheep's wool

I guess it was due to shear laziness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elzvx9/i_lost_my_job_as_a_shepard_for_never_cutting_the/
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Why don't chickens wear pants?

Because their pecker is on their face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elzq6w/why_dont_chickens_wear_pants/
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Pronouncing Natchitoches

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elzp9r/pronouncing_natchitoches/
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To the person that stole my copy of Microsoft Office. I will find you

You have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elzc5c/to_the_person_that_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft/
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I knew a man who didn’t trust his hands

He had to keep them at arms length

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elzal2/i_knew_a_man_who_didnt_trust_his_hands/
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Do you know why the speed limit for sex is 68?

Because if you do any more you're gonna eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elz9xh/do_you_know_why_the_speed_limit_for_sex_is_68/
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Astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours

So they called it a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elz9oz/astronomers_got_tired_after_watching_the_moon_go/
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I asked a hitman for advice on how to kill a clown. He told me...

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elz9hc/i_asked_a_hitman_for_advice_on_how_to_kill_a/
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I started keeping a Glock with me since the attempted robbery years ago...

I've been more successful in taking people's belongings since!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elz4er/i_started_keeping_a_glock_with_me_since_the/
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I just found out the electrician I hired is unlicensed.

Needless to say, I was shocked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elyyww/i_just_found_out_the_electrician_i_hired_is/
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A man with two legs walks into a bar

*The bartender screams*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elytgw/a_man_with_two_legs_walks_into_a_bar/
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Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump...

I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elys58/once_i_saw_this_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
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An American, a Russian and Czech are captured by a tribe of cannibals.

As they lie tied up in ropes, the chieftain tells them: "We will kill you, cook you, eat you and make a canoe out of your skin. You can, however, chose the way of your death."
The American cries, "Bring me my gun!" He points it at his head, whispers "God bless America" and pulls the trigger.
Russian asks for his first aid kit. He takes out a small pill, put it in between teeth, says "Long live mother Russia!" and bites.
The Czech wishes for a fork. He looks at it for a while and then he stabs it in his leg. He pulls it out and stabs again. And again. On the other leg, body, and face, he even uses his left hand to stab the right one, every place he can reach. After a while, he is totally exhausted, lying in blood...but is still stabbing himself with the fork again and again. Nearly dead, he points the fork at the befuddled chieftain, grins, and says with a dying breath, "Good luck with the canoe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elypwc/an_american_a_russian_and_czech_are_captured_by_a/
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My late Grandpa's favorite joke..

A man is driving down a long, country road and comes across an area that opens up into fields.
He pulls over at the first driveway he sees to stretch his legs and sees a farmer leaning against a fence post. The farmer is staring off into the field and is watching two children running around and playing with a three legged pig. They wrestle it, ride it, treat it like it's their best friend.
Figuring he could use someone to talk to he approaches the farmer.
The man says to  the farmer. Not to bother you, but what's up with those kids playing with that pig? Why does it only have three legs?
The farmer replies, You know what? That pig is special! One time there was a coyote in the field attacking our sheep and that pig went out into the field and tore that coyote to shreds. It even suckled one of the baby sheep who lost its mother during the attack. Saved the business!
The guy replies, Wow, that's a special pig, but how'd it lose its leg?
The farmer replies, You know what? That pig is special! One time a robber broke into the house and that pig squealed and hollered and held that robber in the corner until the cops showed up! Saved our fortune!
The guy replies,losing his patience. Wow, that really is a special pig, but seriously, how'd it lose its leg?
The farmer replies back, You know what? That pigs special! One time there was a fire in the house and that pig broke down the door, called 911 , woke every single person up and even carried the small ones to safety!  Saved the family!
The guy, who has now lost all self control, asks rudely.. I understand your pig is amazing, I understand it's f***** special, but how'd it lose its leg?
The farmer calmly responds with a question. Sir, if you had a special pig like that, would you eat it all at once?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elyo4q/my_late_grandpas_favorite_joke/
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I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.

I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elymlx/i_saw_a_man_with_one_arm_shopping_at_a_second/
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A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:
"Is it true you were working at night?  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"
The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elyao9/a_lumberjack_was_being_crossexamined_during_a/
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Did you hear about the diss that was written in braille?

The guy really felt that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ely17k/did_you_hear_about_the_diss_that_was_written_in/
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What my jokes have in common with food bought from apps?

They're good but poorly delivered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elxm72/what_my_jokes_have_in_common_with_food_bought/
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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.
St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much will this cost us?" asked the husband. "Nothing," St. Peter responded. "This is Heaven- everything is free!"
Next, he took them to the Championship golf course just minutes away from their mansion. They would have golfing privileges whenever they wanted, an angel as a caddy on command, and the course even changed daily to represent the most elite courses on Earth. "This is... stupendous," the wife asked. "What are the green fees?" Again, St. Peter said "Nothing. This is Heaven- everything is taken care of."
Next, he took them to the equivalence of a five-star restaurant next to the course. Wagyu beef, prime rib, lobster, veal, salmon, rare vegetables and spices- all one could eat.
"How much-"
"Again, free," St. Peter responded to the wife. "This is Heaven."
The husband paused. "Well... this is all nice, but... do you have any low cholesterol, low-fat options...?"
St. Peter chuckled. "In Heaven, you don't have to worry about Earthly problems. You will never get fat and you will never get sick."
Suddenly, the husband grew angry, and screamed toward the sky. St. Peter and the man's wife tried calming him down, but he kept getting angrier.
"What's the matter???" the wife asked. "Why aren't you happy here???"
The man responded, "This is all YOUR fault!!! If it weren't for your fucking 'bran muffins' and 'paleo chicken' recipes, we could have been here 10 years ago!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elxhs7/an_eightyfive_year_old_couple_married_for_almost/
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After a long night at the bar dirk wants to go home.

When he tries to get off of his chair he immediately falls to the ground, the person next to him (Kees) lifts dirk up and insisted on bringing him home. So Kees drags dirk to his car and starts driving.
The whole time dirk tries to say no but can’t get it out because of the pain. Once they arrive at Dirk’s house Kees pulls him out of the car and drags him to the front door and up the stairs, all the while dirk is still trying to tell Kees to stop but he doesn’t listen.
Once upstairs Kees opens the bedroom and turns on the light, this wakes up dirks wife.
So Kees says : “hello here is your husband” to which she replies “ I can see that but where is his wheelchair?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elxd7u/after_a_long_night_at_the_bar_dirk_wants_to_go/
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Is buttcheeks one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elx2y1/is_buttcheeks_one_word/
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4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elwmb7/4_norse_god_1_roman_god_and_2_astronomical_bodies/
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I just recently switched from a 1080p monitor to a 4k monitor

I guess you could say that it's my new year's resolution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elwm0a/i_just_recently_switched_from_a_1080p_monitor_to/
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Not being vaccinated is a good thing.

My parents never tell me to grow up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elwhjx/not_being_vaccinated_is_a_good_thing/
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What's green and smells like pork?

Kermits fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elw8q7/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
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There's a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.

Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elw0n5/theres_a_certain_way_people_look_at_you_when_you/
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A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out of water, handed me my dog and said “Here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off, he vill be fine” I said Are you vet?” He replied “Vet?... I’m fucking soaking”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elvzmd/a_german_tourist_jumped_in_the_freezing_water_to/
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The doctor was teaching a caveman about human anatomy

Doctor: Do you know where the lungs are?
Caveman: I know this by heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elvxm2/the_doctor_was_teaching_a_caveman_about_human/
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One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.
Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Motorcycle?”......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elvu2m/one_day_a_man_decided_to_retire_he_booked_himself/
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What’s a Christian’s favorite guitar chord?

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elvr4o/whats_a_christians_favorite_guitar_chord/
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Some people have a foot fetish.

I have a meter fetish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elvnw0/some_people_have_a_foot_fetish/
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The Anthropologist

The anthropologist arrives on the the remote island with his translator.  While they waiting for the guide, they distant drumming.  They wait at the meeting spot for a whole hour and the drumming doesn't stop.
So then the guide arrives and the translator asks him about the drumming.  The translator says "He says not to worry the drums are good.  If the drumming stops, then it's bad."
So the they start the 20 mile hike to village.  All the time the drumming gets closer but it never stops.  So the anthropologist is curious, he says "Ask him about the drums again."
Same thing "Drums are good.  If the drums stop it's bad."
So they been walking like three hours and the drums haven't stopped.  So the translator asks the guide again.  The translator starts and the anthropologist recognizes the phrase already.  He says "I know, I know.  Drums are good.  If they stop it's bad."
So they get to the village and they meet the chief .  And the chief has prepared a great feast to welcome them.  All of a sudden the drums stop.  The chief, the translator and all of the villager cover their eyes with their hands and make scrunchy face.
"Ask him what happens now."
"He says:  The fucking bass solo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elvmly/the_anthropologist/
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A man sees his ex-wife in a bar with her new lover and decides to wind him up so

he goes over to them and says to the guy "Hey, How's the second-hand pussy?"
Quick as a flash her lover replies "it's great! After first three inches, its like brand new!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elvj1j/a_man_sees_his_exwife_in_a_bar_with_her_new_lover/
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I have the utmost respect for our troops.

My girlfriend's husband fights for us every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elvhcm/i_have_the_utmost_respect_for_our_troops/
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I won a nearly impossible fight where the odds were six against one.

But once I joined, we beat him up in five minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elvcor/i_won_a_nearly_impossible_fight_where_the_odds/
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Once there was a big dick competition at some place

This guy JOE really wanted to win this one as he thought he had a big dick. But he got late. He rushes to the place but the competition was already underway.
He goes straight to the judges and begs them to let him show his dick to audience and get some sweet-ass karma points from the public. He begs and begs and begs. The judges finally agree and ask him to get on the stage and show his dick. But the man is excited. He thinks that people at the back wont be able to really appreciate his dick if he shows it from the stage. He sees a big pole nearby. He climbs it, pulls his dick out and shows it to everyone. Some clap, the judges write something in their little diaries and JOE gets back down.
Excitedly he comes to the judges to ask if he grabbed any trophies. One of the judges goes "yeah No mate, the one you climbed got third position"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elv9ps/once_there_was_a_big_dick_competition_at_some/
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Did you know you can not breath through nose when you smile

Haha I just made you smile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elv2py/did_you_know_you_can_not_breath_through_nose_when/
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What's the similarity between a dick and the bible?

Jewish people cut off the end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elutib/whats_the_similarity_between_a_dick_and_the_bible/
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What do you get if you cross r/im14andthisisdeep and r/FakeFacts

r/showerthoughts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elupe2/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_rim14andthisisdeep/
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This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.

Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone.
Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 bucks. He finds a note from his wife:
"Dearest beloved husband. I hope that my note finds you well. I have prepared this loving breakfast for you and I've left you 50 bucks to go and have a drink with your mates later. Lots of love."
Stunned, the guy runs back upstairs and shakes his son awake.
"What happened, boy? What's all this?"
"Well dad, you came home absolutely pissed and mum was furious. We carried you up to your bedroom and when she started undressing your smelly clothes you began to push her and yell: Leave me alone you scank! I'm a married man!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elump9/this_guy_got_really_drunk_so_drunk_that_his/
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German Naval Captain got transferred to a U-Boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he said: "First Officer, I demand zat ze u-boat be scoured, and every one of zese posters be taken down! Make sure you find who did it and report back to me so zey can be punished!" “Yes of course Captain. I’ll find out who did it, and punish them immediately!” After a few days of questioning crewmen, the first officer was unable to find the perpetrator. Soon after, the posters of the captain reappeared. The captain, becoming increasingly angry, ordered their removal for a second time. After a second round of questioning and poster removal, all was silent for a few days. Then the posters began to reappear. "First Officer!" the captain roared "You are evidently not doing your job, ze posters are back all over ze u-boat, even worse zan before!"
The first officer fired back at the captain. "It's not my fault sir! It's just that everything is always reposted several times on this sub!" ^("even this fucking joke.")

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elulke/german_naval_captain_got_transferred_to_a_uboat/
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A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

-
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
-
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eluckg/a_doctor_accidentally_prescribes_his_patient_a/
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This guy goes home to the suburbs

This guy goes on vacation to the suburbs. In the villa next to his he spots his neighbour with a massive tennis court in front of his house. The two men greet each other and our guy asks:
"Hey, how'd you get this? This looks like it costs a fortune"
"Well, I went to this pond over yonder and caught the golden frog. She grants wishes. Just be careful because she's a bit deaf."
So, our guy goes to the pond and manages to catch the frog. He asks that his entire house be made of gold.
Upon returning he finds his entire house made of mold.
"Neighbour!" he screams "The fuck is this?"
"Told you she was deaf. What did you think, that I asked for a big tennis?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elu9jj/this_guy_goes_home_to_the_suburbs/
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"What do you call a happy cowboy?"

"A Jolly Rancher."
(My sister told me this one this morning.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elu0yl/what_do_you_call_a_happy_cowboy/
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Why didn't Luke know Darth Vader was his father before he told him?

Because he used de-vorce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elty29/why_didnt_luke_know_darth_vader_was_his_father/
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A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions.

Her: Cargo space?
Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eltsqt/a_mexican_woman_walks_into_a_car_dealership_and/
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What is the difference between a Piano and a fish?

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eltpnz/what_is_the_difference_between_a_piano_and_a_fish/
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If you divide the current year by 5 you get an error

Error 404

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elthe0/if_you_divide_the_current_year_by_5_you_get_an/
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A man comes home late in the evening, drunk and horny.

He sees a woman bent over in the living room trying to pick up something from the floor.
Unable to hold himself he proceeds to f\*\*k the woman.
Afterwards, he goes back to his bedroom and sees his wife already in bed.
Amazed at how quickly the wife came back up to the bedroom he asks: "Back for round two I see?"
The wife looks at him: "What do you mean honey?"
Shocked, the husband says: "Weren't you just downstairs?"
The wife says: "No honey, I've been sick in bed all day."
In panic the husband exclaims: "Well then who did I just have sex with downstairs?"
The wife yells at his husband: "You idiot, I told you mom was staying over tonight!"
Husband; "Oh my god honey I am sorry, I thought it was you! Could you please talk to your mother for me, tell her how sorry I am?"
Wife; "Why should I do it? She's your mother!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elteqq/a_man_comes_home_late_in_the_evening_drunk_and/
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Shopping turns me on

I'm BUYsexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elt8ta/shopping_turns_me_on/
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A hungry fish spots a fly sitting on the bank of the river.

The fish really wants the fly to come closer to the edge of the water, so he can jump up and eat him.
Meanwhile, there's a fisherman a few feet downstream. He sitting on a little stool, eating a cheese sandwich, and wishing that the fly would drop down about 4 inches so the fish would catch and eat him, and then the fish would swim downstream and the fisherman can catch and eat the fish.
Close to the fisherman is a little mouse. The little mouse is staring at the fisherman's cheese sandwich, and hoping that the fly drops down about 4 inches so the fish will catch him and eat him, and then the fisherman would have to out down his cheese sandwich in order to reel in the fish, and the little mouse would get a nice cheese dinner out of it.
Hiding in the trees nearby is a cat. The cat is watching the mouse, and hoping that the fly drops down about 4 inches so the fish will cat h him and eat him, and then the fisherman will have to put down his cheese sandwich to catch the fish and reel him in, and while the mouse is distracted by the cheese, the cat can run over and pounce on him, and have a nice little mouse dinner.
Well, just then the fly did drop 4 inches. The fish was able to leap up and eat the fly. Feeling pretty satisfied with himself, he started to swim off downriver. The fisherman quickly dropped his cheese sandwich, and got ready to reel in the fish the moment he bit down on the lure. The hungry little mouse immediately started stuffing his chubby little cheeks full of cheese, and the cat got so excited by the idea of a mouse for dinner that he pounced down, overshot his landing, and landed in the river.
The moral of the story is, when they fly drops 4 inches, the pussy's gonna get wet.
I'm sorry, thank you, and I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elt6l8/a_hungry_fish_spots_a_fly_sitting_on_the_bank_of/
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What do anti vaxxers kids have in common with Peter Pan?

They never grow old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elt10u/what_do_anti_vaxxers_kids_have_in_common_with/
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What do you call a fish who is very knowledgeable and enthusiastic about an activity, subject, or pastime?

An aficionado!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elss3j/what_do_you_call_a_fish_who_is_very_knowledgeable/
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A woman is in an elevator when a man enters on the next floor...

After a few seconds the man turns to her and says "can I smell your pussy?"
Absolutley disgusted that someone would ask such a thing,  she replies, "How dare you? Of course not!"
"Oh," says the man. "Must be your feet then.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elspj6/a_woman_is_in_an_elevator_when_a_man_enters_on/
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Fun fact you can’t breath while smiling.

Just kidding I just wanted to make you smile :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elsnad/fun_fact_you_cant_breath_while_smiling/
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Two women approach the front door to a dads-only bar

The younger of the two asks "Mom, what the hell are we even doing?"
Mom responds "I know, it's dumb, but thanks for agreeing to come with me. My dad was very specific in his will about how his ashes would be spread. This place is number 1 on the list. He'd been coming here for the longest time—before it was even a dad bar."
Her daughter continued "I understand that, but why am I carrying a bag of his finger nail clippings? This is gross."
Mom tried her best to appease her daughter. "I know, dear. It's disgusting. We're just honoring his wishes, and he said we should bring these. Honestly, his hygiene got pretty bad after you were born. He'd let his nails grow out for way too long, then clip them and carry them around everywhere."
"Whatever." The daughter grumbled. "How are we even getting into this place? We're clearly not dads."
"He left a 'code clearance' to get us into the bar, I've got it written down right here. Let's just go and get this over with"
As the mother and daughter approached the bouncer, he gave them one look and said "I'm sorry ladies, but there's no way I can let you in."
Reading from the code on her paper, mom replied "It's nice to meet you, sorry ladies, but there's no way I can let you in. I'm dad."
Before the bouncer could respond, the bar owner stepped up behind him and asked "What's going on here?... Do they have a code clearance?"
The bouncer turned to him and said "It's an older code, sir, but I was about to clear them."
Before anything else could be said, mom began pleading with the men. She explained the entire situation with her recently deceased father, holding back tears the entire time."
The owner gave the bouncer a sympathetic look as he said "I suppose we have to let them in, if nothing else, on account of the grandfather claws."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elsn9r/two_women_approach_the_front_door_to_a_dadsonly/
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What are Mario's overalls made out of?

Denim denim denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elscxw/what_are_marios_overalls_made_out_of/
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An 18 year old Mayo girl.

An 18 year old Mayo girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist  and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. That I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.” “Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a €2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a €4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and €2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You ride her again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elscrb/an_18_year_old_mayo_girl/
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My friend went completely bald years ago, he still carries a comb with him.

He just can't part with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elsbr9/my_friend_went_completely_bald_years_ago_he_still/
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I still keep in touch with my ex We give each other presents on the day we broke up. Last year she gave me a pile of shit. This year I'm giving her a car

She'll never know what hit her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elsaeb/i_still_keep_in_touch_with_my_ex_we_give_each/
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Why do people like getting their vaccinations from Eminem?

You only get one shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elrz5a/why_do_people_like_getting_their_vaccinations/
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A man walks into a bar

and orders a drink. While he’s waiting, he can’t help but notice the disgruntled looking fellow sitting next to him.  In front of him on the bar, is a tiny man in a tuxedo playing a concerto on a tiny piano. Obviously curious, the man asks:
Hey buddy, what’s with the tiny musician?
“Hmph.”  The surly man grunts. There’s a genie out back that will grant you any one wish. I got him from there.
The man scoffs at the fellow and turns to his drink. Some time, and some drinks later, the man can’t handle his curiosity and walks out back. Sure enough, there is an old genie lamp on a table in front of him. The man grabs it and rubs the side. Suddenly in a puff of smoke, a genie pops out!
“What is your one desire?”
The man excitedly shouts “I want it to rain a million bucks!”
“It is done”
Suddenly out of nowhere, a million ducks fall out of the sky, quacking and flapping and making a mess of the whole area. The man runs inside to avoid the fowl, and angrily storms up to the fellow.
Hey buddy!  That genie out there is total garbage!  I asked for money and he gave me ducks!
The fellow swigs his beer and looks up at the man
Yeah, no kidding.  You think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elrx74/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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There was a man. An especially unattractive man.

He had sex when he was younger. But the older and uglier he grew the less women wanted to be with him. At present he hadn't had sex in over 30 years. No prostitute would sleep with him. Not even a blowjob or a handjob. Such was his level of ugliness. He had given up on jerking off years ago. He needed to have sex. He was desperate.
So one day he goes to a doctor. He doesn't know why. Sheer desperation drives him. Maybe some miracle drug that will relieve his sexual tension. Maybe the doc knows of some woman equally as desperate. He doesn't know. But he goes anyway.
He explains to the doc the situation and how he misses sex so much. Predictably the doctor says there's no drug to simulate sex. There's no one as ugly as him that would want to sleep with him. There just nothing the doc can do. So the man gets up. Sad. Dejected. Horny. He's about to leave when the doc says wait a minute. " Son,you're not the first man I've had this issue with. The worst case yes,but not the first. So I might have an idea. You won't like it. But it works". The man is desperate. "anything doc. Please. Tell me. Help me.". The doc says " ok.  Down at the harbour  on Friday nights there's an old fishing vessel that docks there called the Santa Marie. On the port side of the ship there is a barrel. This barrel has a hole in it. I'm sure you can figure out what to do with that hole son." The man is a little disappointed but you know what, he has nothing to lose. Fucking a barrel with a hole is better than nothing.
So that Friday he goes to the harbour and finds the Santa Marie. He finds the barrel and lo and behold there is actually a line of ugly men waiting to fuck the hole on this barrel. This makes the man feel a little more comfortable. He's not alone in this world. He smiles to himself. Soon enough it's his turn to have a go. He's a little nervous but with some encouragement and much horniness he has a go. And my god does it feel good. The man was amazed at how tight and smooth this hole in a barrel was. He starts thrusting harder and he is loving it. Soon enough he cums inside the barrel and satisfied for the night,he nods his new friends goodnight and leaves.
He does this routine every week. He loves his new friends. He loves fucking a barrel.
A few months later he gets there. High fives his buddies. Everyone is on a good mood. He's even allowed to go first. He gets to the barrel. Puts his dick in and..........weird. That feels horrible. He thrusts a little more. What the fuck. Who broke the barrel? As he's about to turn around and start complaining he looks at his friends and they all seem equally confused. Mike speaks up and says.
"What you doing bud? It's your turn to get in the barrel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elrvgd/there_was_a_man_an_especially_unattractive_man/
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King Arthur has set on his noble mission to drive away the barbarians

Before he left , he called his close friend,Sir Lancelot.
"My bride Guinevere is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the mission after a year ".
As he rode off , barely had he gotten a mile from home that he saw Sir Lancelot tearing after him on a horse , as he got closer he heard his friend saying
"Come back! you gave me the wrong key".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elro53/king_arthur_has_set_on_his_noble_mission_to_drive/
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We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects

But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elrmrq/we_all_know_that_australia_is_full_of_ugly_insects/
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How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. Or two....
One? Or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elrmkj/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I spent the whole day trying to carve the Ninja Turtles out of wood

But just ended up with a load of Splinters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elrkha/i_spent_the_whole_day_trying_to_carve_the_ninja/
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How much space is going to be left after brexit?

1 GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elrfc8/how_much_space_is_going_to_be_left_after_brexit/
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What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't curium nor helium, then you'll need to barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elrcor/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
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A german tourist jumped in the freezing lake to save my precious little dog

who was drowning.
After that he climbed out, handed me the dog and said, "Here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off, he vill be fine."
I said, "Are you a vet?"
He replied, "Vet?... I'm fucking soaked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elr8sv/a_german_tourist_jumped_in_the_freezing_lake_to/
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Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Oops, because he couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elr8ad/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
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A couple, went to the doctor’s office.

The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The old man replied, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can’t go to her house. I am married so we can’t go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00, we do it here for $32.00; and, I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor’s office.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elr1q0/a_couple_went_to_the_doctors_office/
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When telling jokes to identical twins...

make sure you tell them the whole joke because you just can’t tell them a part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elqtkx/when_telling_jokes_to_identical_twins/
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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’?
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it’
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. ‘Do you have a vagina’?
‘Yes’ she says.
The man replied, ‘That’s great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elqq8w/a_woman_is_at_home_when_she_hears_someone_knock/
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I found someone else's ID on the floor last week.

Oh well, new year, new me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elqmze/i_found_someone_elses_id_on_the_floor_last_week/
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What did the piece of paper say when it died?

RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elq6cm/what_did_the_piece_of_paper_say_when_it_died/
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If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,

just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elq37h/if_you_dont_know_what_to_give_your_friend_as_a/
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Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.

Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elpzg1/canada_could_have_had_it_all_american_industry/
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What did the Russian man say to his friend?

Probably something nice. I don’t know, I don’t speak Russian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elpzc6/what_did_the_russian_man_say_to_his_friend/
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I wanna make a Zelda pun

But I don’t wanna tri and force it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elpugt/i_wanna_make_a_zelda_pun/
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To discourage slacking all retro games have been removed from jails

Officers were upset to find Contra banned in the prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elpndw/to_discourage_slacking_all_retro_games_have_been/
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A little old couple walked into a fast food restaurant.

The little old man walked up to the counter, ordered the food, paid, and took the tray back to the table where the little old lady sat. On the tray was a hamburger, a small bag of fries and a drink. Carefully the old man cut the hamburger in two, and divided the fries into two neat piles. He sipped the drink and passed it to the little old lady, who took a sip and passed it back. A young man on a nearby table had watched the old couple and felt sorry for them. He offered to buy them another meal, but the old man politely declined, saying that they were used to sharing everything. The old man began to eat his food, but his wife sat still, not eating. The young continued to watch the couple. He still felt he should be offering to help. As the little old man finished eating, the old lady had still not started on her food. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating?" asked the young man sympathetically. The old lady looked up and said politely, "I'm waiting for the teeth.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elpeua/a_little_old_couple_walked_into_a_fast_food/
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What is the differenxe between a mosquito and a fly?

A mosquito can fly
but a fly can't mosquito

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elpdqh/what_is_the_differenxe_between_a_mosquito_and_a/
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A Priest, a Rabbi and a Buddhist walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "What is this? A joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elp84c/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_buddhist_walk_into_a_bar/
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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.
Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom and without fail, they all run screaming. He can't seem catch a break.
Fed up, the man goes to the doctor and tells him of his woes, shows him his giant problem, asking if anything can be done for him.
"I'm sorry," the doctor replies. "the only thing that we can do to reduce the size of your penis is surgery. It's not covered by your insurance, unfortunately, and as an elective procedure, its exorbitantly expensive."
The man slumps his shoulders, crestfallen and dismayed. Seeing his reaction, the doctor grows sympathetic.
"You know", he begins. "It's a long shot but there's something you could try"
The man perks up, filled with hope.
"Please, please tell me, doctor. I'll do anything" he says.
The doctor takes a deep breath.
"OK. You know the woods over on the south side of town?"
The man nods, curious as the Doctor continues.
"Well, if you go into the woods you'll come across a trail. And if you take that trail for about 5 miles, you'll come to a small pond."
The man listens intently, unsure of what this doctor could be getting at.
"Now, near the deep end of the pond you'll find a lily pad, and on top of the lily pad, you'll find a frog."
The man gives the doctor his undivided attention, his mind racing at how any of this information could possibly help him. The doctor continues.
"You walk up to the frog. Make your wish silently to yourself and then you ask the frog to marry you. When the frog says no, your wish will be granted."
The man is angry. This doctor got his hopes up only to play the cruelest of pranks on him. He gets up and storms out in a huff.
A month goes by, and another lovely woman he just knows could be the one flees in terror from him after the 3rd date. The man is beside himself with despair.
On one particularly low afternoon, the man decides to go for a long walk. By chance, he finds himself on the south side of town and stops before a line of trees leading to a stretch of woods beyond.
Wandering through the woods, the man comes to a path leading deeper in. Almost without thinking, the man begins to follow it. After walking just long enough to forget why he's walking, the man sees the trail end off in the distance. As he gets closer, he sees that beyond the trail is a small pond.
It can't be, he tells himself. There's no way the doctor's story could be true.
Sure enough, at the deep end of the pond, he sees a lily pad, and a large, cartoonishly green frog sitting on top.
The man is bewildered. The frog looks at him, staring straight into his eyes. Am I really going to do this? He slowly walks up to the frog, repeating to himself, "I wish I had a smaller penis", over and over.
He reaches the frog and asks, "Hey frog. Will you marry me?"
The frog blinks, eyes still locked to the man, and calmly says, "No." Immediately, his penis shrinks 5 inches.
The man is shocked and elated. He can't believe it worked. He's just about to turn back home when he thinks to himself, 20 inches is still way too long. He steels himself to try again, and walks up to the frog a second time.
"Hey frog," he says, a bit louder"Will you marry me!?"
The frog says again, matching the man's tone "No!" His penis shrinks another 5 inches.
The man can barely contain himself. He's overcome with joy and he thinks to himself, just one more time and it'll be perfect!
He proudly walks up to the frog and shouts, "HEY FROG, WILL YOU MARRY ME!?!?"
The frog immediately replies, "FOR THE LAST TIME, NO, NO, NOOOO!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elp7ub/for_the_last_time_no_no_noooo/
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What do you call when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial Intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elp6mf/what_do_you_call_when_a_blonde_dyes_her_hair/
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Yes, sir, I know about giving 110%

but this is a breathalyser test, sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elp0kp/yes_sir_i_know_about_giving_110/
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So a weasel walks Into a bar. Bartender says "Wow I've never served a weasel before, what can I make for you?"

"Pop" goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eloy9a/so_a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar_bartender_says_wow/
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How do you train your kids to stop wetting the bed?

Have them use an electric blanket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eloqpl/how_do_you_train_your_kids_to_stop_wetting_the_bed/
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A guy is paying for his shopping at a grocery store...

The cashier scans his items;
- A cucumber
- A large packet of rice
- Two bottles of red wine
- Frozen pork chops
- Dog food
Cashier:  “you’re single aren’t you?”
Customer: “yes... how did you know?!”
Cashier: “Because you’re fucking ugly”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elodp2/a_guy_is_paying_for_his_shopping_at_a_grocery/
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How can you tell if a mechanic just got done having sex?

Two of her fingers are clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elo70h/how_can_you_tell_if_a_mechanic_just_got_done/
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$10

So a guy walks into a brothel. He only has $10 in his wallet, but he's truly desperate, so he asks the madam what he can get for it.
She says "nothing. Try your luck in the streets or come back with some money."
He says "please, I'm so desperate. Isn't there anything you can do for me?"
Reluctantly, she says "well, we have a chicken. I suppose for $10 you can do what you can with that."
The guy's unsure, but he hands it over and goes for it. Surprisingly, the chicken feels pretty good. He gets off and goes home.
Next week, he goes back to the brothel with $10 and says "hey, can I see that chicken again?"
The madam says, "I'm sorry, sir, the chicken passed away. But we do have a show tonight. Admission is just ten dollars."
He agrees and squeezes into the auditorium. Two beautiful women are licking each other all over. He nudges the guy next to him and says "hey, this is pretty good!"
The other guy says "you should have been here last week. They had a guy fucking a chicken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elo6i2/10/
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Post and Repost are sitting on a park bench. Post gets up and leaves. Who’s left?

99% of this fucking sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elo5oc/post_and_repost_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench_post/
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Wife came out the shower giggling at this joke she just thought up: Why didn’t the beavers send any wood down the river?

Because they didn’t give a dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elo2no/wife_came_out_the_shower_giggling_at_this_joke/
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What is the difference between a prison and an elementary school

In prison you know who the rapists are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elo2bn/what_is_the_difference_between_a_prison_and_an/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre
Deleted original post to fix title.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elo0cd/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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How did a cow do so well on his math test?

He did all the proper cowculations
First time posting, my gf wasn’t very impressed but hope you guys can find humour in this!!
Omg thank you for the silver I’ve never gotten one before. I’m totally bragging now lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elnzb2/how_did_a_cow_do_so_well_on_his_math_test/
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A naked woman robbed a bank.

No one could remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elnxcn/a_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank/
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I liked the cats movie because...

for once my parents were disappointed in something other than me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elnwbk/i_liked_the_cats_movie_because/
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So I was in a 10th Grade Sex Ed Class

and in the class, you had to sit in a group of 2 with a person of the opposite gender. So I was seated with one of the most innocent looking girls in the entire school. She was giving obvious signs that she liked me, and one day she asked how long my dick was. Of course, I thought she was kidding, so I said that it was 6.9 inches. She replied “Huh , your dad’s is 2 inches longer”
That day I learned something. The most innocent looking person I knew, was in fact, a necrophiliac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elnw4z/so_i_was_in_a_10th_grade_sex_ed_class/
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A man walks into a bar

And orders a few drinks. As the night goes on, he notices a sign on the wall.
It reads FREE DRINKS FOR LIFE!  TAKE ON THE BAYOU CHALLENGE!
The man asks the bartender about the sign, and the bartender replies.
It’s a challenge to see who the manliest man in the bayou is. If you win you’ll drink for free whenever you come in. No ones been able to handle it yet.  First you drink this bottle of high proof homemade moonshine.  Then there’s a nasty gator out back with a sore tooth, you have to go and pull it out. And finally, upstairs is a beautiful woman who’s never had an orgasm in her entire life. You bring her to heaven, and the challenge is yours.
The man, feeling bold from his night of drinking, slams his hand on the bar and announces “I’m taking the challenge!  Gimme that shine!”  Too everyone’s amazement, he downs the entire bottle in record speed, and staggers out the back door to the gator pen, shutting the door behind him. Suddenly there is a loud, grotesque noise, and after what feels like an eternity, the noise suddenly stops. Everyone fears the worst until the man, triumphantly bursts into the bar, mauled head to toe and covered in blood and scratches.
You did it! The bartender shouted
“Damn right I did!” Slurred the man. “Now where’s that lady with the sore tooth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elnsxh/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Her: That sucked, you barely lasted 2 minutes...

Him: Babe, it was doggy style, so that's like 14 minutes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elnb7q/her_that_sucked_you_barely_lasted_2_minutes/
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What’s the difference a taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school?

I don’t actually know, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eln9do/whats_the_difference_a_taliban_outpost_and_a/
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I like the way you think!

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"
One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.
Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot."
The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think."
"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"
After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside."
Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eln5av/i_like_the_way_you_think/
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So, as everyone knows, two different species (flavors) of cheerios cannot mate, right?

That is, if one is honey-nut and another is blueberry, they cannot mate. Anyway, there is this one normal cheerio that is in love with a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, he cannot mate with her. He can't even communicate with her because they are of different species. So, he invents a machine that changes all of his CNA (Cheerio DNA) into whichever type of cheerio that he wants. However, this machine performs a process that is extraordinarily painful, because that sort of thing would hurt. Anyway. He does it, and the normal flavored cheerio becomes a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, this girl cheerio hates him so much that she invents an identical machine and does the process on herself in order to become a cinnamon-apple cheerio, just so she can avoid this creeper. So, she does it. The boy cheerio is starting to get upset at this because he really wants her. So he tells himself that he will go through the pain for her, and becomes a cinnamon-apple cheerio. She then changes to a honey-nut cheerio! He decides that this is the last time that he will change cheerio type. He does it, and she changes one more time, into a normal cheerio - the kind he originally was. So he says out loud, "Okay, this is really the last time. If she changes again, I will just stay back with my family." So he becomes a normal cheerio again, and she doesn't change fast enough for him to put his moves on her. So, they start dating, and he finally asks her to the Formal Bowl (ahaha, get it, bowl instead of ball). Anyway, they get there and dance intensely for a few hours. Finally, they get tired and she sends the boy cheerio to the milk bowl (you know, since it's a cereal dance, they have that and punch). He gets there and stands in line for ten minutes. Finally fed up at the really long line, he looks over at the bowl of punch and sees that there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eln252/so_as_everyone_knows_two_different_species/
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A time traveller goes back to Ancient Rome

"Halt, strange person! where are you from?" says a soldier.
"I come from the future. what are your names?" answers the timetraveller.
The soldier replies: "My name is QUINTUS, as i am the fifth child in my family. my comrade is SEXTUS, for he was the sixth child in his family. what is your name?"
And the time traveller: "My name’s LIV."
The roman soldier starts counting on his fingers as his eyes open in fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eln1tr/a_time_traveller_goes_back_to_ancient_rome/
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What do you call a sex worker that farts on people?

A Prostitoot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elmzfz/what_do_you_call_a_sex_worker_that_farts_on_people/
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What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both have to smell it but neither of them gets to eat it !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elmxri/what_do_a_pizza_delivery_driver_and_a/
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I went to the tailor’s and told him, “I need something for a wedding.”

He said, “What do you need?”
I replied, crying, “A woman who would love me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elmrb5/i_went_to_the_tailors_and_told_him_i_need/
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How did I get from Afghanistan to Iraq

Iran!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elmn6s/how_did_i_get_from_afghanistan_to_iraq/
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Texas Game Warden rolls up on a hunter...

One day a hunter was out duck hunting when a Texas Game Warden rolls up on him.
Game Warden: “What’s going on buddy? Looks like you hunting some ducks, huh? Looking down at the dead duck pile near him
Hunter: Nervous “Yes Sir.”
Game Warden: Picks up one of the ducks and sticks his finger in its butt then smells it  “ This is a Texas duck here boy...you got a Texas duck license to hunt a Texas duck boy?”
Hunter: “Um, Yes Sir.” Takes out his wallet and fumbles through it and pulls out a Texas duck license and hands it to the warden.
Game Warden: Takes the license and looks it over  “Alright son looks like you good on that one” Quickly picks up another one of his ducks and sticks his finger in its butt then take a long whiff . “ This is a Oklahoma duck you got here boy...you got a Oklahoma duck license for this duck boy?”
Hunter: “ Um...Yes Sir...”Nervously fumbles through his wallet, pulls out a license and looks at it then hands it to the game warden.
Game Warden: Takes the license and looks it over  “I’ll be damned, Ok boy, you got it. ”Quickly picks up another one of his ducks and sticks his finger in its butt then take a long whiff  “Aww boy... this is a... Canadian duck.........you got a Canadian duck license for this here duck boy?”
Hunter: Scratches his head, fumbles through his wallet pulls one out, looks at it, puts it back, pulls another, looks at it hard then hands it over to the game warden “Um...Yes...Sir”
Game Warden: Takes the license and looks it over, looks it over again.  “Hot Damn Boy! You got a valid license for all theses ducks. Where the hell you from boy?
Hunter: Turns around and pulls down his pants.... “Why don’t you tell me?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elm8x3/texas_game_warden_rolls_up_on_a_hunter/
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You call it anal.

Dwayne Johnson calls it "rock bottom".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elm3sa/you_call_it_anal/
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Why did the redneck cross the road.

He had a chicken on his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elm3rb/why_did_the_redneck_cross_the_road/
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Boobs are just like the sun.

When you wear sunglasses, you get to look at them more!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elm345/boobs_are_just_like_the_sun/
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Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ellvu4/flour_sugar_salt_water_and_yeast_grew_up_together/
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Side scrolling games on pc are all the same...

... kind of d-pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ellrxl/side_scrolling_games_on_pc_are_all_the_same/
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Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.
*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *
Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?
Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ellntr/sherlock_holmes_is_looking_for_evidence_at_a/
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I enjoy playing chess with old men in the park.

The hard part is finding 32 of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ellm9b/i_enjoy_playing_chess_with_old_men_in_the_park/
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A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.

Bah dum, tss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ellj83/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
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A Wall Street stockbroker decides to go off the grid completely

He’s had enough of that dog eat dog lifestyle and the stress and rat race of NYC.
So he buys a cabin in a remote part of the Adirondacks. Closest neighbor is miles away on a neighboring mountain. Pure solitude, nature, zero cell phone service, no electricity.
Months go by and he has zero contact with anyone. He likes it, but it’s getting sort of lonely.
One day his neighbor from the next mountain pays him a surprise visit. He’s a huge, burly mountain man. Gruff, but in a reasonably friendly tone he says,
“Hi, I live on that mountain over there. I noticed that you’re new in the area, so I thought I’d come introduce myself, and invite you to my 4th of July party.”
The former broker is thrilled at the idea of finally having a little socialization, and gratefully accepts. “Sure, I’d love to come.”
“I have to warn you though, we do a lot of heavy drinking at these parties.”
“Oh, well I used to work on Wall Street. I’m no stranger to heavy drinking.”
“Well, I have to say, there’s usually a lot of drug taking as well.”
“Yup, Wall Street. Nothing new to me, my friend!”
“And with the booze and drugs, eventually it ends up in kinky sex.”
“Again, Wall Street.” The broker laughs and asks, “So how many people are coming to the party?”
“Oh, just you and me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ellib0/a_wall_street_stockbroker_decides_to_go_off_the/
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A submarine recruit goes underway for the first time...

Saw a similar joke posted and thought I’d give my grandfathers version.
Guy goes underwater for the first time and asks his LPO: “Hey what do you guys do for sex down here with no women?”
The lpo replies: “See that little Chinese guy?”
Guy says “nonono I don’t go for that shit”
Well a few months go by and he’s horny as hell with standards long gone and asks his LPO: “Hey man...IF we were to do that with the Chinese guy how many people are gonna know about it?”
Lpo: “Mmmm....probably about 5”
Guy: “5!? Why the hell 5!?”
LPO: “well yeah. You, ME, the Chinese guy...and two guys holding him because he doesn’t go for that shit either”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ellhnc/a_submarine_recruit_goes_underway_for_the_first/
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A Smuckers truck blew up in front of me today

I got stuck in a horrible traffic jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ellf8l/a_smuckers_truck_blew_up_in_front_of_me_today/
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I wonder if she got mileage points?

So a woman goes to the Ob/Gyn.
Ob: What brings you in today?
Patient: Uhm... I’ve been finding Costa Rican postage stamps in my vagina.
Ob: You’ve been finding what, where?!
Patient: Costa Rican postage stamps in my vagina...
Ob: Have you BEEN to Costa Rica?
Patient: No!
Ob: Ok. Hop up on the table after you’ve removed your panties, and get your legs in the stirrups.
Ob: Don’t be embarrassed. I’m gonna have a look now.
Ob: *prods around patients vag*
Ob: *begins to chuckle*
Patient: *clearly upset* What? Why are you laughing?
Ob: *holds up small piece of paper from vagina*
Ob: Sweety, these aren’t stamps. They’re stickers from the bananas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ellb7m/i_wonder_if_she_got_mileage_points/
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What's the opposite of Michael Jackson?

Michael jacks off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ellam1/whats_the_opposite_of_michael_jackson/
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A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.

So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl?
EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicament, if I can not spin this straw into gold I shall be hanged tomorrow morning.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: *cackles* I can help you, but at the cost of part of your name. I will spin the straw to gold, but if I do, I will take a letter from your name; unless, of course, you can guess mine.
Edith graciously accepts and watches as Rumpelstiltskin spins all the straw in the room into gold, saving her life. Finally, Rumpelstiltskin gives her one last chance to save her name by guessing his name.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So young girl, what is my name?
EDITH: Alas, I know not.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: *cackles* Then your name is mine!
Edith accepts her punishment and is still grateful for the help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ell83f/a_miller_tells_the_king_his_daughter_edith_can/
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Why can’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ell4un/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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What’s the difference between The Bloods and Superman?

One gets killed by kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ell3gf/whats_the_difference_between_the_bloods_and/
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Frank gets a job on a fishing boat in Alaska. The town has no women. He goes to the local bar. Again, no women. He asks the bartender what they all do when the get horny.

“For $50, you can take ol’ Jim out back and have your way with him.”
Frank, disgusted, replies “No way, I ain’t  into that gay shit!” And storms out.
Few months later when his boat has finally returned to harbor, he’s hungry and horny. He goes back to the same bar and goes up to the bartender again.
“Still no women, huh?”
“Nope. Ol’ Jim offer’s still good though.” Replies the bartender.
Frank thinks about it for a minute. “Still $50?”
“Yes sir”
“Alright, fuck it. Where’s he at?”
Bartender says “I’ll go get him. Just give me a couple minutes to tie him up and I’ll come getcha.”
Frank is taken aback “why in the hell
would you tie him up?”
“Sheeeit, ol’ Jim ain’t into that gay shit either”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ell3b7/frank_gets_a_job_on_a_fishing_boat_in_alaska_the/
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Someone asked Trump if there were any Walmarts in Iran.

He replied "No, they only have Targets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ell1e2/someone_asked_trump_if_there_were_any_walmarts_in/
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Why did the console gamer cross the road ?

To render the buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elkx75/why_did_the_console_gamer_cross_the_road/
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An Ewok was sitting at a bar...

all of a sudden he starts screaming!
The Bartender turns around and says, "Hey! Use your Endor voice!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elkgzd/an_ewok_was_sitting_at_a_bar/
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Home Renovation

"I was going to paint my bathroom door but my girlfriend was dead against it"
Oscar Pistorius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elke41/home_renovation/
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A 70 year old couple had been dating for a couple of months... Long NSFW

After a night of dinner and a movie they went back to the lady’s house and things started escalating from there. As they were making out and getting friskier by the moment the lady said to the man that it’d been a very long time since a man has pleasured her orally. Wanting to please her the man made his way down to her now waiting vagina. When got down there he said “boy it sure does stink down here!” and she replied “it’s my arthritis”. He said “arthritis??” “How does that make you stink so bad??” To that she said “it’s in my shoulders and I can’t wipe my ass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eljs2w/a_70_year_old_couple_had_been_dating_for_a_couple/
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A Wendy's manager named Kenney was sitting on his ass in the office during a shorthanded lunch rush, surfing Reddit.

[censored]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eljn2l/a_wendys_manager_named_kenney_was_sitting_on_his/
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I have a scary joke about math

But I'm 2^2 to tell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eljk1c/i_have_a_scary_joke_about_math/
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A tenant goes to the landlord and tells him there are mice in his apartment

-I know these kinds of hoaxes, it wont work on me, but let me see those "mice" you're talking about - says the landlord.
So they go to the apartment that is right on the top of the building, they open the door and ... no mice whatsoever.
The landlord angrily asks the tenant why he so blatantly made him walk to the top of three story high flat and pointed that this was very rude of him, but the tenant replied:
-Wait, wait, wait...
He put some cheese on the ground, turned off the lights, turned on the lights and really, they saw 2-3 little mice. But they were so small, that one would say they were even cute.
-Are these the mice you were telling me about - the landlord says - these are not mice, these are a bunch of adorable animals. I'd say that even a lone person as you can pick a cage, put a small wheel inside and look after them as pets.
-No, wait, wait, wait... - the tenant replied
He put some cheese on the ground, turned off the lights, turned on the lights and they saw 4-5 now really big rats, with fat pink tails. A very unpleasant sight. And the landlord said:
-Well... it's not like there are no mice at all, but we'll get some poison and deal with the issue
-No, wait, wait, wait... - the tenant replied
He put some cheese on the ground, turned off the lights, turned on the lights and 15 huge rats, very shaggy and nasty looking, freshly fed with shit were now surrounding the cheese.
-Okay... there ARE mice here - the landlord said - We'll call pest control, we'll lower your rent a bit, don't worry about it.
-No, wait, wait, wait... - the tenant interrupted
He put some cheese on the ground, turned off the lights, turned on the lights and what they saw was beyond imaginable. One feet diameter ball of mice, rats and all sorts of rodents fighting over the cheese and in the whole bustle of animals they saw a catfish flopping towards the cheese and the landlord asks confused:
-Okay I get the rodents, but what is this catfish doing here?
And the tenant said:
-That's the other problem I wanted to talk to you about - the humidity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eljdib/a_tenant_goes_to_the_landlord_and_tells_him_there/
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A man get a job in the coldest part of Antarctica...

He's been there for a few weeks when he builds up the courage to ask about the lack of women situation.
One of the guys tells him,  "yeah don't worry. We got you.  After work, follow me I'll show you. "
The two men walk to a absolutely nightmarish cold wasteland area with a black barrel in the middle.
Freezing their asses off,  they arrive.  To a large black barrel with a hole cut waist high.  "well here you go partner,  give it a go" says the man.
The new comer proceeds two fuck the hell out of this barrel and surprised it's warm, moist and feels like the real thing.
After he finishes with the best orgasm he has had in months he proclaims,  "Wow that was absolutely fantastic and just what I needed out here in this artic tundra. So what's the deal? I can come here anytime I want? "
"Yes sir , all you want except Thursday's" replied the man.
"why not Thursday's?" he asked.
Then the man looked him in the eyes and said, "Thursday's is your turn in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elj7b3/a_man_get_a_job_in_the_coldest_part_of_antarctica/
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What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?

Eventually the puppy stops whining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elitus/whats_the_difference_between_a_puppy_and_a/
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Eating ass is like flying first class...

You only do it once, and there aren't enough hot towels in the world to make up for the price you paid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elinlo/eating_ass_is_like_flying_first_class/
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What do you call a redditor who copies and pastes dead jokes?

A RIPoster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elidy9/what_do_you_call_a_redditor_who_copies_and_pastes/
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When having sex i cover my gf with excel documents..

I like to spread-that-sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eli9qn/when_having_sex_i_cover_my_gf_with_excel_documents/
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I met a Muslim girl earlier today

She wasn't a perfect 10 but shiite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eli5c7/i_met_a_muslim_girl_earlier_today/
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What's flat, black and glows in the dark?

Iran if they keep it up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eli35w/whats_flat_black_and_glows_in_the_dark/
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My dad’s favourite joke (he always does this with the accents)

An Englishman in Sweden goes to the chemist:
Englishman - "I’d like to buy deodorant please"     Swedish chemist - "Ball or aerosol?"
Englishman - “No, armpits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eli344/my_dads_favourite_joke_he_always_does_this_with/
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Disney is like a little kid in a toy store.

They want to buy every single thing in sight, and when they get them, they destroy the hell out of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eli2g0/disney_is_like_a_little_kid_in_a_toy_store/
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A man won a lottery.

A man comes rushing home and tells his wife "Honey! Honey! Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"
She says "That's nice babe, where are we going!!??"
He says "I don't care where you go... just get the fuck out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elhyfk/a_man_won_a_lottery/
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Despite all the 2020 jokes

Soliemani didn't see it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elhxs5/despite_all_the_2020_jokes/
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What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can’t curium or helium, then you’ll have to barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elhwv3/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
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I read online that English is one of the hardest languages to learn...

Their's know weigh thats' write!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elhrjv/i_read_online_that_english_is_one_of_the_hardest/
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To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elhpx8/to_kill_a_french_vampire_you_need_to_drive_a/
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A man goes hiking and he sees a farmer with two cows..

One is black and the other is white. The man walks up to the farmer and asks him "What do you feed the cows?" The farmer asks "The black one or the white one?". "The black one" says the man. "I feed it grass." "What about the white one then?" "I feed it grass too." The man nods "And where do the usually sleep?" "The black one or the white one?" the farmer asks. "The black one" "In the barn" "What about the white one?" "It sleeps in the barn too." Says the farmer. The hiker starts getting frustrated, "And what do you use them for?" he asks. The farmer asks again "The black one or the white one?". "The black one" "Well I use it to get milk" "And the white one?" "I use it to get milk too." The hiker gets extremely angry, and yells "What the hell is wrong with you? You keep asking me which cow I mean, then give me the same response for both!" The farmer answers calmly "Well because the black cow is mine." "Oh, and what about the white one?" "It's mine too.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elhnru/a_man_goes_hiking_and_he_sees_a_farmer_with_two/
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I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number

I told her we use names around here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elh9qz/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_for_my_number/
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If you thought swimming with dolphins was expensive, you should try swimming with sharks ....

It cost me an arm and a leg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elh2b0/if_you_thought_swimming_with_dolphins_was/
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I don't know why people always attack homeopathy so much...

it has literally never done anything to anyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elh1zv/i_dont_know_why_people_always_attack_homeopathy/
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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:
\-There is really no women here?
\-None.
\-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?
\-There is a donkey close to the river for that.
The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the donkey with them, he accepts. When he is close to the donkey, the man puts down his pants and one of the other locals yells:
\-What you doing!?
\-Aren't we...? Going to do the donkey thing?
\-We going to ride the donkey across the river so we can get to the other village where we can meet women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elh1le/a_man_accepts_a_job_in_a_village_with_no_women/
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I really hate Orion's belt...

Just a big waist of space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elh166/i_really_hate_orions_belt/
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What’s the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral makes your day, Anal makes your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elgxwz/whats_the_difference_between_oral_and_anal_sex/
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If a King rules a Kingdom and an Emperor rules an Empire, then who runs a Country?

A Cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elgvrb/if_a_king_rules_a_kingdom_and_an_emperor_rules_an/
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Anal Deodorant

A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?"
The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that".
"Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from here".
"I've never seen any" she says, "but I'll ask my manager".
The manager comes to the counter and says "Hello, just making sure I understand what you're wanting, did you want some anal deodorant?"
"Yes" the man replies, "I've bought it from here before and I'd like some more please."
"OK" says the manager, "I've worked here for over 10 years and I'm sure we've never sold anal deodorant."
"But I've bought it from here before!" the man protested, "tell you what, I'll find my old one from home and bring it in to show you."
The next day he walks into the shop again and finds the same manager, "Look!" he says smugly, "here's the last anal deodorant I bought from here!"
The manager takes it from him, inspects it carefully and replies, "I'm sorry sir but this appears to just be a normal stick of deodorant."
"Not at all!" the man says, "look on the back, it clearly says: *Take off cap and push up bottom*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elglg5/anal_deodorant/
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3 Nurses On A Dead Guy

Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on, the 1st Nurse says ‘I can’t let that go to waste’, & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses
apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies ‘I was, but after two jump starts & a blood transfusion I feel fucking great!!!’
Thank you kind stranger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elgbh0/3_nurses_on_a_dead_guy/
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I was kidnapped by a mime. The things he did to me were....

unspeakable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elg648/i_was_kidnapped_by_a_mime_the_things_he_did_to_me/
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A rabbi performs a circumcision...

A rabbi performs a circumcision but, absentmindedly, puts the foreskin in his pocket.
After the ceremony, he joins the family to celebrate at a local restaurant.
As they are leaving, the rabbi finds the foreskin still in his pocket and comes back into the restaurant to dispose of it.
The host asks, "Can I help you with something, sir?"
The rabbi replies, "No. I just forgot to leave the tip!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elg250/a_rabbi_performs_a_circumcision/
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The Perfect Couple.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
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**Answer:**
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
*** Women*** *stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.*
*** Men keep scrolling.***
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
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By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: **Women never listen.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elg17f/the_perfect_couple/
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How are flat chested women like spiders?

If you dislike either one, you're a-rack-no-phobic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elfxze/how_are_flat_chested_women_like_spiders/
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What did I do when I got drafted to the US army for the WW3

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elfv45/what_did_i_do_when_i_got_drafted_to_the_us_army/
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A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.
The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”
The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under!”
The cop says, “Well, you’re so concerned about your beamer, you didn’t notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.”
The lawyer looks down and screams “Fuck! My rolex!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elfs73/a_lawyer_is_getting_out_of_his_bmw_when_a_semi/
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Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?

Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elfpqq/why_do_jewish_men_have_to_be_circumsized/
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Keyboard factory

used to work at a keyboard factory, and my sector was responsible for the making of the Key D; my job was to test whether the D key worked or not, so everyday I would sit and press the D key on different keyboards for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Eventually I had had enough and had to leave, the job was just really Depressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elfcqk/keyboard_factory/
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Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!"
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood.
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elf5xy/harold_is_95_and_lives_in_a_senior_citizen_home/
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I got kicked out of the library the other day for being too loud

I guess i'll just have to find somewhere else to masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eleq4c/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_library_the_other_day_for/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eleosi/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Americans should boycott shredded cheese

To make America grate again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eleo5l/americans_should_boycott_shredded_cheese/
%
When I was born I was given a choice between a big dick and a good memory

I’ll never forget that moment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elej4z/when_i_was_born_i_was_given_a_choice_between_a/
%
Harry Houdini used to fall through a trap door in every act

He was going through a stage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elefco/harry_houdini_used_to_fall_through_a_trap_door_in/
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So my doctor told me to pick a star sign, any star sign

So I said Gemini
And he said *showing me his clipboard* well this says cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elebpt/so_my_doctor_told_me_to_pick_a_star_sign_any_star/
%
My neighbour is an avid gardener.

He was up digging at three in the morning.
And he's so good that the next day the police came to see his work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ele1ca/my_neighbour_is_an_avid_gardener/
%
Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?

He was a little chili.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eldycl/why_was_the_baby_jalapeno_shivering/
%
I'm going to apply for a job at the mirror factory.

I can really see myself working there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eldxcb/im_going_to_apply_for_a_job_at_the_mirror_factory/
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A man went to the doctor

"Doc, I don't know why but this is killing me. Recently my throat always feel so tight, like a invisible force clutching my neck. And my nape is cold all the time. Please don't tell me these are the symptoms of a cancer..."
After a day's check, the man got his diagnosis, which reads:
"You wear your sweater backward, idiot."
(Translated from Chinese)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eldrnt/a_man_went_to_the_doctor/
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Once there lived a man with a ball pain.

The man often had pain on his balls. So he decided to pay a very big fee and get a surgery done. But due to this, his balls were removed. He was quite depressed by this fact and so, he decided to start a new life! "Let's start this new life by shopping some new clothes" he thought to himself. So he enters a shop and as soon as the lady attendant saw him, she said would you like to get a new shirt sir? The man said "certainly". The attendant looked at him and said "so a 34 size for you". The man surprised by this, asked him how did she guess it. The woman told that it was pure experience. Next, she asked him about some new pants. And again so, he guessed the size just as correctly! Finally the attandant asked for a pair of new underwears. The man agreed to buy them. The lady guessed the size again and said "it's 32". The man quite confident this time, replied "Haha! You got it wrong this time. It is 31!". The attendant smiled and said "No sir, wearing a 31 underwear will give you a pain in your balls. And perhaps, it's not something you would want". The man committed suicide a few days ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eldnbl/once_there_lived_a_man_with_a_ball_pain/
%
Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eldj0b/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
%
Dilly the midget

There was once a midget named Dilly, he was supposed to be named Billy but his ears were messed up and so he heard "B" always as "D", he was hopeful that he could find work at santa's workshop and so he went on a long trek to the north pole, when he got there he was immediately hired and put to work making Lord Of The Rings characters. The trouble began when he was asked to make Bilbos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eld99z/dilly_the_midget/
%
Whats the difference between a snow man and snow woman?

Snow balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eld7x3/whats_the_difference_between_a_snow_man_and_snow/
%
What do you call a droid that always take the longest route?

R2 Detour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eld3a3/what_do_you_call_a_droid_that_always_take_the/
%
A female teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.

Madam asked: 'Boy, what is your problem?'
The Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first grade - my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'
Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: What is 3 x 3? Boy.: 9.
Principal: What is 6 x 6? Boy.: 36.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know.
The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think the boy can go to the 4th grade.'
Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?
Boy, after a moment 'Legs.'
Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy.: 'Pockets.'
Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands
Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Madam: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
Madam: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you don't get it, you have to use your hand.
Boy.: Fork
Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME.
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
'Send this Boy to MIT or Oxford. Even I got the last ten questions wrong myself!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elcyyy/a_female_teacher_was_having_trouble_with_one_of/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how life was in North Korea.

He said, “I can’t complain.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elcx29/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_life_was_in/
%
My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.

"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked.
She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elcwj5/my_wife_tapped_me_on_the_shoulder_and_complained/
%
when gold crushed your feet

**au**\-ch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elcljk/when_gold_crushed_your_feet/
%
Trump, a Hindu, and a Jew go on a road trip...

Trump, a Hindu, and a Jew go on a cross-country road trip.
They stop at a farmer's house for the night and the hospitable old man lets them stay. However, the farmer's house only has two extra beds, so one person has to sleep in the barn.
The Jew offers to take the barn. "My people have roamed in the desert for centuries. This is nothing," he announced.
Promptly, there is a knock on the door. It's the Jew. "There's a pig in there. It's an impure animal to us." The Hindu decides to take the barn.
Yet another knock. "There's a cow in the barn. I cannot sleep next to our holy animal."
The Hindu sleeps in the house and Trump takes the barn. Into the night, the house is woken by a knock on the front door.
The farmer opened the door, and there stood...
**the pig and the cow**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elcldm/trump_a_hindu_and_a_jew_go_on_a_road_trip/
%
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

Because they had a fight and 2021.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elc0e4/why_was_2019_afraid_of_2020/
%
Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson went camping

They pitched up their tent in and went to sleep then sometime during the middle of the night  Sherlock awoke and pointed at the sky and asked Watson “What do you see?”
Watson then replied “I see millions and millions of stars”
Sherlock then asked “Well then what can you deduce from that?”
Watson thought for a minute and said “Well if there are millions of stars like ours then it is quite likely that even the smallest fraction of them can have a planet like ours and maybe they can even have some sort of life on them”
Sherlock in absolute disbelief says “No you fucking idiot that means someone stole our tent”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elbqnt/sherlock_holmes_and_his_assistant_watson_went/
%
My wife and I are both feminist

But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elbm9h/my_wife_and_i_are_both_feminist/
%
My blind date showed up late, and then said 'I thought you'd be younger.'

I said 'I was.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elbjll/my_blind_date_showed_up_late_and_then_said_i/
%
It could be that your purpose in life

is to serve as a warning to others

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elbj33/it_could_be_that_your_purpose_in_life/
%
What haunts a chicken coop?

A poultry-geist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elbf72/what_haunts_a_chicken_coop/
%
A Man Walks Into A Bar...

And orders 3 shots for himself. The bartender asks why 3 shots? The man says that he has two brothers overseas and that whenever they drink, they all drink for each other as well.
A few weeks later, the same man comes in again and orders 2 shots for himself. The bartender asks the man if something happened to one of his brothers. The man replies "Nah, I've just stopped drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elbblo/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do you trick a guy into going to a tennis match?

Tell him it’s a women’s singles event.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elbao9/how_do_you_trick_a_guy_into_going_to_a_tennis/
%
Fill'r Up

Me: I'll take $50 on pump one.
Bartender: Get your mouth off the tap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elb94v/fillr_up/
%
A joke one of my 3rd graders claims to have made up

Q: Why do Gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elb853/a_joke_one_of_my_3rd_graders_claims_to_have_made/
%
My friend never told me why he put his salad and ranch next to each other in the fridge

He said it was rude to watch the salad get dressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elb4a0/my_friend_never_told_me_why_he_put_his_salad_and/
%
Dad Joke day 2

Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It’s all over town

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elawra/dad_joke_day_2/
%
What do you call a horny horse?

A unicorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elatep/what_do_you_call_a_horny_horse/
%
A man calls up the White House and informs them he wants to be the next President of the United States

The person answering the phone berates him: "Are you an idiot?"
The caller is silent for a while then answers: "Is it compulsory?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elao4w/a_man_calls_up_the_white_house_and_informs_them/
%
Today was my birthday and my parents gave me a whistle as a gift...

Oh man!!! this thing blows
P.s. : excuse my English, not my first language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elanso/today_was_my_birthday_and_my_parents_gave_me_a/
%
Could someone please tell me why people are comparing Greta Thunberg with the US president?

It's impudent and just wrong. One is an angry, attention-seeking child that yells at foreign leaders on international conferences and never does anything that actually helps.
The other one is a Swedish climate activist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elalmk/could_someone_please_tell_me_why_people_are/
%
When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body

Then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elak78/when_i_was_younger_i_felt_like_a_man_trapped/
%
Whenever I tell people about my suicide attempts, they all say that I should get help.

Literally no one is ever actually willing to solder the wires or tie a proper noose for me though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/elab9v/whenever_i_tell_people_about_my_suicide_attempts/
%
I called the cops and asked them why there were so many police cars in front of the brothel next door.

"Sir, we can't tell you about our police operations. Those are confidential."
"Oh my bad, I just wondered whether it was mother's day..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ela814/i_called_the_cops_and_asked_them_why_there_were/
%
A medieval knight walks into a bar, holding a large blunt weapon...

..."Why the long mace?", asks the barman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el9z31/a_medieval_knight_walks_into_a_bar_holding_a/
%
Girls are like blackjack....

I'm always going for 21, but end up hitting 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el9yk8/girls_are_like_blackjack/
%
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an atheist?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el9y7d/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_jehovahs_witness/
%
I had a splinter once.

It eventually got out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el9v9l/i_had_a_splinter_once/
%
Why is there no more curry in Afghanistan?

Because there's a thali ban.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el9oaa/why_is_there_no_more_curry_in_afghanistan/
%
I went to the psychiatrist because I think I'm a dog...

The psychiatrist says "no problem, lay down on the couch."
I told him "I'm not allowed on the couch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el9m4i/i_went_to_the_psychiatrist_because_i_think_im_a/
%
So i thought i could get over my fear of math jokes

But in the end i was 2^2 to tell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el9e7d/so_i_thought_i_could_get_over_my_fear_of_math/
%
What do you call a disabled paedophile?

Creepy crawly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el90ik/what_do_you_call_a_disabled_paedophile/
%
Son: Hey Dad, I'm going to the pool to meet girls, any advice?

Dad: Just put this tennis ball inside your trunks. The will line line up to talk to you.
After a while, The son went back crying.
Son: Hey Dad! It didn't work, They all left me when i jump right in!
Mom: Dad's not here son. But why do you have a tennis ball at the back of your trunk?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el8w4o/son_hey_dad_im_going_to_the_pool_to_meet_girls/
%
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el8us0/a_politician_visited_a_remote_little_rural/
%
One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el8nz6/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el8eng/my_friend_claims_that_he_accidentally_glued/
%
Happy new year 2019 guys!!!

Posted via Internet Explorer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el8e7t/happy_new_year_2019_guys/
%
A nun, a priest, and a rabbi.....

are on a sinking ship. They are getting in a lifeboat…
Nun: “Shouldn’t we let the children leave first?”
Rabbi: “Fuck the children.”
Priest: “Do you think we have the time?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el8d2q/a_nun_a_priest_and_a_rabbi/
%
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with cars

I guess you could say I drove her away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el8air/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_of_my_obsession/
%
I think my family is racist

I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend
My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el89yc/i_think_my_family_is_racist/
%
The President asks 3 people if they can paint the White House

He asks a Chinese person how much money will he need and he says “3 million dollars. 1 million for the paint, 1 million for the workers and 1 million for me”
He asks an American person how much money will he need and he says “7 million. 2 million for the paint 3 million for the workers and 2 million for me”
He finally asks an Indian person who says come here close and so the president comes in close and he whispers “I need 13 million dollars”
The president says “What why so much”
The Indian says” 5 million for me, 5 million for you and 3 million for the Chinese man”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el7uuj/the_president_asks_3_people_if_they_can_paint_the/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el7uc1/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”

The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”
His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”
“In the pool.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el7ic2/a_teenager_tells_his_father_theres_water_in_my/
%
An elderly man said he’s not sad he’s been looking for the TV remote control for the past two hours while it was in his hand.

He’s sad because he used it to turn down the volume while trying to focus on searching for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el7evp/an_elderly_man_said_hes_not_sad_hes_been_looking/
%
At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an 8 inch penis.

And 3 years later, that priest went to prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el7e6t/at_age_13_little_johnny_was_blessed_with_an_8/
%
A man, shopping in the produce aisle, is approached by a friendly woman.

“Good morning, I believe you’re the father of one of my kids” the woman says to him in a brief and polite manner.
The man is instantly overwhelmed by angst and uncertainty once he registers this statement.
“Are you... by any chance the stripper I made love to on the pool table at my bachelor party whilst your partner whacked my behind with wet celery?”
The man asks, embarrassed but with acceptance of the grief he may soon face at home
“No sir...I’m your son’s teacher”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el793c/a_man_shopping_in_the_produce_aisle_is_approached/
%
How does a deaf person accept a package?

They sign for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el759h/how_does_a_deaf_person_accept_a_package/
%
Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el6quo/me_whats_the_wifi_password/
%
What did Vlad the Impaler's victims cried to him during torture?

"Vladislav, baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, no more"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el6p3v/what_did_vlad_the_impalers_victims_cried_to_him/
%
whats the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school

I don't know, I just fly the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el6nxq/whats_the_difference_between_a_taliban_outpost/
%
My minister said I was the sweetest boy he'd ever met.

I was touched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el6jpl/my_minister_said_i_was_the_sweetest_boy_hed_ever/
%
My wife just sent me a text saying...”Your great.!”

So naturally I write back “no you’re great.!”
She’s been walking around all happy and smiling all day..
Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or just leave it...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el6cc8/my_wife_just_sent_me_a_text_sayingyour_great/
%
What do you call a cross dressing vampire?

Dragula

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el66b8/what_do_you_call_a_cross_dressing_vampire/
%
A woman walks into a diner carrying a dog under her arm. She puts the dog on the counter and announces that the dog can talk. The woman says she has $100 she’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t.

The head cook quickly takes the bet and asks the dog, “What’s the thing on top of this building that keeps rain out?”
The dog answers, “Roof.” The cook says, “Who are you kidding, I’m not paying!”
The dogs owner says, “Double or nothing, and I’ll ask him something else.”  The cook agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
The dog answers with a muffled, “Ruth.”
With that, the cook picks both of them up and tossed them out on to the street.  As they bounce on the sidewalk in front of the diner, the dog looks at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el5zsq/a_woman_walks_into_a_diner_carrying_a_dog_under/
%
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar.

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el5wnd/one_night_a_police_officer_was_staking_out_a/
%
You don't have to worry about a draft in the United States

Every time Trump clicks "Draft", it just saves the email and never sends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el5umf/you_dont_have_to_worry_about_a_draft_in_the/
%
How do you make a friend?

By texting +1 706-631-1147 and saying hi... Haha... seriously I need friends...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el5rcl/how_do_you_make_a_friend/
%
Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorus walk into a bar.

OH SNaP!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el5m4z/oxygen_hydrogen_sulfur_sodium_and_phosphorus_walk/
%
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el5jo8/smoking_will_kill_you_bacon_will_kill_you/
%
A little old lady goes to the doctor

The doctor asks why she’s there and she responds with “I’ve been passing gas a lot. They don’t have a smell or make any sound. I’ve passed gas three times in this office and you didn’t even notice.” The doctor listens to her and tells her that he thinks he can help, then he gives her a prescription.
Two weeks later the lady returns to the doctor and says “I don’t know what pills you gave me but I haven’t stopped passing gas and now my farts smell terrible”
The doctor says “Good, we seem to have fixed your sinuses, now let’s work on your hearing”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el5bro/a_little_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

You don't know?
So it was you!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el57u5/whats_the_difference_between_a_shower_curtain_and/
%
I like my coffee how I like my slaves

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el52q9/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_slaves/
%
When I'm dead I want my remains to be scattered at Disneyland.

Oh, and I don't want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el50z0/when_im_dead_i_want_my_remains_to_be_scattered_at/
%
when a cop says “do you know why I pulled you over”?

ask him if he forgot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el50kq/when_a_cop_says_do_you_know_why_i_pulled_you_over/
%
A man walks into a zoo.

The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a Shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el4tlk/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo/
%
"Get to work ladies!"

Something that has been said to men more often than women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el4lq8/get_to_work_ladies/
%
Porn star moms

A mother ( who happens to be a porn star) sends her son to a therapist to work on his issues about her profession.
Therapist: "Tell me what's going on with you."
Son: " Well the kids at school know what my mom does for a living."
Therapist: " Ok, But how Does that affect you?"
Son: " well they say mean things." They call her a whore and a slut." A double dicker and muff diver."
Therapist:  "It doesn't matter what they think." How do you view her?"
Son: "Typically? DVD but often Blue Ray."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el4h2o/porn_star_moms/
%
A teacher and her class of kindergarteners learn about grown-up words

A teacher is teaching her class of kindergarteners how to use grown-up expressions.
She points to little Sally and asks, "Sally, what did you do this weekend."
Sally tilted her head and said, "I went on a choo choo!"
"Marvelous, dear," said the teacher, "But next time, try 'I rode on a train.'"
She then turns to little Mark, a kindly, young lad and asks, "And how about you, Mark?"
Mark put a finger to his lips and thought real hard. "I went to the animal place and saw the stripy horsies."
"Simply exquisite," the teacher replied, "But say you saw zebras at the zoo next time, alright dear?"
After Mark nodded, the teacher turned to colorful and spirited Franky. "How about you, Frank?"
The little boy tilted his head after a second and said, "I read a...book!"
"Very good!" The teacher said, glowing with pride. "And what did you read?" She asked, beaming.
Frank thought long and hard for a second, then smiled real big, puffed up his chest and said in a great, big voice:
"Winnie the Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el4g4n/a_teacher_and_her_class_of_kindergarteners_learn/
%
I’m tired of the Facebook ads telling me I can lose 18 pounds and 8 inches in a month.

Losing 18 pounds would be cool, but I don’t want to be five-foot two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el4amn/im_tired_of_the_facebook_ads_telling_me_i_can/
%
Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited

Runs in the family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el465z/yesterday_my_doctor_told_me_my_chronic_diarrhea/
%
COP: I saw you fly through that intersection

**Me:** The light was green.
**Flight attendant:** That’s not why he’s mad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el43zy/cop_i_saw_you_fly_through_that_intersection/
%
Whats the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

Microwaves don't brown the meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el42ss/whats_the_difference_between_anal_sex_and_a/
%
Who's got two thumbs and doesn't give a f**k

I don't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el3vyh/whos_got_two_thumbs_and_doesnt_give_a_fk/
%
Why did the vegan get kicked out of church?

He said he really enjoyed seitan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el3ux3/why_did_the_vegan_get_kicked_out_of_church/
%
Today I went to the zoo.

All they had to exhibit was a dog. It was a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el3t7c/today_i_went_to_the_zoo/
%
What do you call a wheel that you wear?

A tire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el3oby/what_do_you_call_a_wheel_that_you_wear/
%
If I had a nickel for every time a beautiful woman rejected me,

eventually they would stop rejecting me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el3d8w/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_a_beautiful/
%
How do cats report crimes?

They call Paw Enforcement!
...I'll show myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el346w/how_do_cats_report_crimes/
%
Suicide Bombing School

Imagine a school where suicide bombing Is being taught, the teachers would say to the students.
.
Please, pay attention, I'm only going to do this once!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el30x3/suicide_bombing_school/
%
What is the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

an epileptic oyster shucker shucks as she fits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el2u1t/what_is_the_difference_between_an_epileptic/
%
Smart shoes

A fiend of mine bought some new shoes a while back, they were called smart shoes, no matter how drunk you were they could always walk you home!
One day my friend got blind drunk and woke up miles from home near the beach, apparently the shoes got bored going from his local bar to the flat, they wanted to see the world, you know?
He tried getting rid of them a few times but they always seemed to turn up again sooner or later!
The last he heard was that the shoes had hijacked a car and drove it into the river, they couldn’t steer the wheel you see.
My friend was really down about it so he decided to go see a Priest.
The priest told him that the shoes were happy and in heaven and for my friend to not worry!
As it turned out... shoes have souls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el2pzw/smart_shoes/
%
So now I have a gambling problem???

I don't know who's spreading these lies, but my money's on Mike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el2px3/so_now_i_have_a_gambling_problem/
%
Husband on his death bed calls his wife and tells her, when I die make sure you marry my cousin.

Confused, the wife asks "why?".
"many years ago that bastard sold me a faulty car"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el2n25/husband_on_his_death_bed_calls_his_wife_and_tells/
%
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el2lz8/im_pleased_to_announce_reddit_has_achieved_its/
%
If tomatoes are a fruit

Then ketchup is a smoothie.
Told by my 9 year old son. Thought it was funny. Maybe more of a shower thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el2ftn/if_tomatoes_are_a_fruit/
%
What kind of car would Jesus drive?

A Christler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el2el7/what_kind_of_car_would_jesus_drive/
%
At a job interview, I was surprised to learn the hiring manager was a snake.

Nevertheless, I decided to roll with it, presenting myself as any other interviewee would. However, at the end, I couldn't help but ask:
"So, how did a snake end up working here?"
The snake smirked and replied "Ith really quith thimple. I goth my thart in the IT department and worked my way up the rankth."
"Then how'd you end up in IT?"
"I juth had a knack for it, I'd thay. No tech problem that can't be tholved uthing a Python with a little Lisp."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el2dc5/at_a_job_interview_i_was_surprised_to_learn_the/
%
What is a depressed persons favorite drink???

Espresso depresso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el24kb/what_is_a_depressed_persons_favorite_drink/
%
My Lesbian Neighbors...

My lesbian neighbors just gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything, but I think they're misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el249h/my_lesbian_neighbors/
%
I don't understand why books are rare in Fahrenheit 451...

I would expect them to be well done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el23zj/i_dont_understand_why_books_are_rare_in/
%
Why did the ethics department correct the morality committee?

It was the right thing to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el1xep/why_did_the_ethics_department_correct_the/
%
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el1woq/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_who_couldnt/
%
What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ
(Not original but worth the share)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el1vo0/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.

I'm feeling canneloni right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el1u15/my_wife_said_she_was_leaving_me_because_of_my/
%
I work at an IT company, and today my girlfriend left me

I used to have a girlfriend but she ransomware, so I wannacry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el1t6w/i_work_at_an_it_company_and_today_my_girlfriend/
%
They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.

Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el1r70/they_say_you_have_a_50_chance_living_next_to_a/
%
I told Jeremy Renner that he was a lot like my son.

He just laughed and said, "How so?"
I said, "I wish you were never Bourne."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el1lf3/i_told_jeremy_renner_that_he_was_a_lot_like_my_son/
%
Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.
A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.
As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.
He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation.  The sergeant looks embarrassed and says. "Spotted snakes, sir,"
"Spotted snakes?".
"Yes, sir.  Spotted snakes." The Sergeant said, "You see, they are about 4 feet long, kinda fuzzy with black and white spots, but they have a very powerful and deadly poison and the men are afraid of them.
"I see," said the Captain, "Call a formation in 2 hours and I will show you how to handle this minor problem."
Two hours later, the Captain walks out in front of the formation and everyone is shocked and amazed that the Captain has one of these snakes in his hands.
"Gentlemen," the Captain began "It seems that these things are a major concern in this camp.  However, I will show you how to handle this in a proper military manner."
"You grab the snake with your left hand like so."  He demonstrates by holding up his left hand.
"You grab the snake with your right hand." again demonstrating with his right hand.
You then, forcefully, slide your left hand up like so," and the Captain popped the head off of the snake killing it instantly.
The men all mutter amongst themselves and agree that this is a simple and effective way of dealing with the problem.
The next reports come out and morale is at a record high, there have been no desertions and the STD's are almost nonexistent.
However, he does see one of his men is in the hospital.  Being the good company commander that he is, he goes to sickbay to look in on his soldier.
He is shocked to see the man is covered from head to toe in bandages.
"Son," the Captain said, "What  happened?"
The soldier replied, "Spotted snakes, sir."
"Spotted snakes did THIS?"
"Well, you see, sir," the soldier stated, "I had the night watch a few nights ago and I felt one of these snakes crawl into my foxhole.  I did just as you said, sir.  I grabbed that snake with my left hand.  I grabbed that snake with my right hand.  I slid my left hand up, and I'll be damned if I didn't stick my thumb right up that tiger's ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el1g1d/spotted_snakes/
%
This Just in! Over $20,000 dollars in college text books stolen!

Local Police say they have a lead and hope to recover both books.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el1ewp/this_just_in_over_20000_dollars_in_college_text/
%
Why are seagulls called seagulls?

'Cause if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el1dsq/why_are_seagulls_called_seagulls/
%
How do Australian chess players ask for the bill?

Check, mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el1dey/how_do_australian_chess_players_ask_for_the_bill/
%
I recently got a job as an elevator attendant

It's got its ups and downs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el1bk9/i_recently_got_a_job_as_an_elevator_attendant/
%
Caught my roommate masturbating himself with a thin pancake.

What a crepe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el19uk/caught_my_roommate_masturbating_himself_with_a/
%
Two young, slightly speech-impaired brothers decide to join a class that will teach them fencing.

After a good while in the class, these brothers were exceptional when it came to their offense. However, they noticed their instructor avoided all non-combative techniques.
One of the brothers, Phineas, decided he would confront the instructor on this issue. However, due to the previously mentioned speech-impairment, he had a hard time using a lot of words when talking. So, when he went to his teacher, all he could manage to say was:
“Where’s parry?”
(I thought of this in half a minute, sorry if it sucks)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el17hi/two_young_slightly_speechimpaired_brothers_decide/
%
What type of bees make milk?

Boobies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el16hu/what_type_of_bees_make_milk/
%
I met a lot of new people at the Bonsai Convention.

We all exchanged pleasant trees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el15bc/i_met_a_lot_of_new_people_at_the_bonsai_convention/
%
I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el157x/i_punched_my_monitor/
%
What do you call a condom that’s 100% effective?

Inconceivable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el12jq/what_do_you_call_a_condom_thats_100_effective/
%
What’s orange, red and looks good on furries?

Fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el1209/whats_orange_red_and_looks_good_on_furries/
%
So, why isn't 3 the only winner?

Because 0 1 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el11v0/so_why_isnt_3_the_only_winner/
%
There are no Walmarts in Iran

Only *Targets*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el0x1m/there_are_no_walmarts_in_iran/
%
A week ago, most people didn’t know who the Iranian general was

Guess he really blew up overnight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el0wrr/a_week_ago_most_people_didnt_know_who_the_iranian/
%
What does "The Sixth Sense" have in common with "Titanic"?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el0lso/what_does_the_sixth_sense_have_in_common_with/
%
What do you call a story of a testicle in pain?

A Teste-moany

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el0kh0/what_do_you_call_a_story_of_a_testicle_in_pain/
%
One day a farmer buys a cock and brings it home, as soon as he lets the rooster go it screws all 150 hen and impresses the farmer.

One day a farmer buys a cock and brings it home, as soon as he lets the cock go it screws all 150 hens and impresses the farmer,
the next day the cock screws all the ducks and geese too. On the third day the farmer sees the cock laying on the ground passed out with the vultures circling overhead. The farmer says “you deserved this you horny bastard”! The cock
Opens one eye, points up, and says “ shh they are about to land”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el0inh/one_day_a_farmer_buys_a_cock_and_brings_it_home/
%
What's all this news about Iran?

Sounds like they are stuck between Iraq and a hard place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el0f05/whats_all_this_news_about_iran/
%
My dentist told me to open up.

I told him I often have trouble putting people's words into context.
He said he could tell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el06i7/my_dentist_told_me_to_open_up/
%
A story of the late Queen Mother.

She was visiting an aged care facility and was chatting with another older lady who obviously didn’t know who she was talking to...
The QM asked “Do you know who I am dear?”
The older lady just smiled and said “Go and ask that nurse over there. She knows all our names...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el06be/a_story_of_the_late_queen_mother/
%
No one will listen to Whitesnake with me...

So here I go again.  On my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el04bk/no_one_will_listen_to_whitesnake_with_me/
%
Why can Ms. Piggy only count to 68?

Because when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/el010c/why_can_ms_piggy_only_count_to_68/
%
Who’s this Soleimani guy?

It’s like he blew up overnight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekzvdc/whos_this_soleimani_guy/
%
A snake walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekzues/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Out of all the animals that take from the land

The beaver is the only one that gives a dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekzifx/out_of_all_the_animals_that_take_from_the_land/
%
ahhh, the negotiator

usa: knock knock
Iran: who's there
usa: door mom
Iran: door mom who
usa: I've come to bargain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekziar/ahhh_the_negotiator/
%
A family is very poor

So the dad says to his son , “son you’ll have to go into the market and sell the duck”
So the kid is walking to the market when an escort shouts at him “wanna fuck?”
To which he replies “I don’t have any money”
The escort shouts back “I’ll take the duck off your hands” and off they go to have sex.
When they finish the woman says to the boy, “that was the best I’ve ever had, will you do it again?” The kid replies
“I have no money” the escort then offers him his duck back if he will do it. He agrees and off they go to have sex.
He then leaves to go to the market. When on the way a rich man hits him with his car. The boy is fine but the duck was run over and was dead.
The rich man says. “Son I’ll give you fifteen dollars for that bird” the child is happy and off he goes back home
When he arrives home it is dark, so his father says. “Son, you’ve been out for nearly 3 hours. Where were you?”
The child thinks for a minute and replies “well dad, I got a fuck for a duck, A duck for a fuck, and 15 bucks for a fucked up duck”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekzg2f/a_family_is_very_poor/
%
How do you find Australian memes on reddit?

Sort by Hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekzb68/how_do_you_find_australian_memes_on_reddit/
%
Why does Darth Vader prefer coarse-grain pepper?

He hates it when it's high ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekz8na/why_does_darth_vader_prefer_coarsegrain_pepper/
%
The doctor told me i have 2 days to live...

so i killed him and the judge gave me 40 years... jokes on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekz38n/the_doctor_told_me_i_have_2_days_to_live/
%
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekz0gd/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
How many jokes are there about drummers?

At least a zildjian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekyx00/how_many_jokes_are_there_about_drummers/
%
There was a pile up on Spaghetti Junction today.

Reports say that 4 people were injured and 3 pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekyn5v/there_was_a_pile_up_on_spaghetti_junction_today/
%
I’ll totally let people walk all over me...

It’ll be fun to watch them trip over my rolls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekylvr/ill_totally_let_people_walk_all_over_me/
%
Never deposit into a sperm bank.

It’s much better to put it into the sock market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekyag0/never_deposit_into_a_sperm_bank/
%
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff

Badum-Tish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eky7ku/two_drums_and_a_cymbal_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?

A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit.
A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eky5zf/whats_the_difference_between_a_constipated_owl/
%
Why are all Republicans supporting global warming?

Because they can’t wait to live in a world with no snowflakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eky58h/why_are_all_republicans_supporting_global_warming/
%
If teachers are so smart...

Why are they still in school?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekxxvx/if_teachers_are_so_smart/
%
A joke about a shutdown coin factory.

Nevermind.
It makes no cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekxwpn/a_joke_about_a_shutdown_coin_factory/
%
Do you like to hear a construction joke?

Well I'm still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekxqye/do_you_like_to_hear_a_construction_joke/
%
A man goes to a doctor for a check up

The man complained of being unable to use the toilet. The doctor knew what the problem was, but couldn't find the right word to tell him. He explained the situation to the man, who immediately responded with "constipation!". The doctor, stunned, exclaimed "You know what constipation is!" The man, affronted, responded:
"Yeah, no s\*\*t"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekxmtr/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor_for_a_check_up/
%
A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekxh9m/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The life support systems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekxfsr/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
Man, I hate it when the date picker for my birthday on a website starts with the current date.

Do they think that I was born yesterday?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekxexa/man_i_hate_it_when_the_date_picker_for_my/
%
Dad taught me how to swim by throwing me into a lake.

The swimming part was easy. Getting out of the burlap sack took some work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekxe7h/dad_taught_me_how_to_swim_by_throwing_me_into_a/
%
Sometimes I wonder

Then I get lost in the park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekxcw4/sometimes_i_wonder/
%
A guy goes to the butcher.

"I want one pound of liver sausage - but from the fat and rough one!"
The butcher replies:
"I´m sorry. She is on holiday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekwwpe/a_guy_goes_to_the_butcher/
%
4 nuns line up outside the gates of heaven.

God greets them and says: "If you all want to go to heaven, you must gain purity." He asks the first nun "Have you ever touched a penis before?". The nun says "Yes, with the tip of my finger". God tells her not worry and to dip her finger in the holy water in front of them. She does so and goes through the gates. God then asks the second nun  "Have you ever touched a penis before?" and she says "Yes, with my whole hand". God tells her not to worry and to dip her hand in the holy water. She does so and goes through the gate. Next, the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and God asks her why. She says "I ain't gargling that water after she dips her arse in it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekwful/4_nuns_line_up_outside_the_gates_of_heaven/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekwf2a/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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What do you call a midget fortune teller who escapes from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekwev5/what_do_you_call_a_midget_fortune_teller_who/
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Why did Loki, Norse God of Trickery and Mischief, turn into a train?

I asked around and, well, no one really understands his Loki-motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekwc8f/why_did_loki_norse_god_of_trickery_and_mischief/
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I made a graph showing my past relationships

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekw7vx/i_made_a_graph_showing_my_past_relationships/
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My brother and I were upstairs watching TV.

Keep turned to me and said, "I think we have company over."
"Why is that?"
"Because I heard dad tell a joke and mom laughed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekw7s6/my_brother_and_i_were_upstairs_watching_tv/
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Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

Well, that was a trip down memory lane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekw6u1/just_walked_down_a_street_where_the_houses_were/
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My boss said he was going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch that it will be me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekw5nv/my_boss_said_he_was_going_to_fire_the_employee/
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Why can’t you hear a psychopath on the toilet?

Because his P is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekw3ct/why_cant_you_hear_a_psychopath_on_the_toilet/
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Why Did I Get Divorced?

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekvx5g/why_did_i_get_divorced/
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A Seattle Mariners fan, a Detroit Tigers fan, a Boston Red Sox fan, and a New York Yankees fan are climbing up a cliff.

They are arguing over who is most loyal to their team. It gets to the point where, when they are halfway up the cliff, the Tigers fan yells, "This is for Detroit!" He then jumps off the cliff and dies.
The three remaining climbers continue to climb until they are three-quarters of the way up the cliff. Not to be outdone by the Tigers fan, the Mariners fan yells, "This is for Seattle!" He then jumps off the cliff and dies.
Finally, the last two climbers are standing on top of the cliff. The Red Sox fan yells, "This is for Boston!" He then pushes the Yankees fan off the cliff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekvvf2/a_seattle_mariners_fan_a_detroit_tigers_fan_a/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekvq4o/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it…

He's gay, definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekvh5z/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_10_men_shes_a_slut_but_if/
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What did Vlad the Impaler do when he ran out of victims?

Repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekves8/what_did_vlad_the_impaler_do_when_he_ran_out_of/
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Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had  heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.
He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and landed across a fence in a field. He started to cross the fence to get it when a farmer pulled up on his tractor.
"Whoa there, buddy. You can't come onto my land."
The lawyer said, "Of course I can. That duck belongs to me and I have every right to retrieve it."
Farmer Brown said, "Nope, it's on my property, that makes it *mine*."
The lawyer immediately got pissed and told him, "I'll have you know that I'm one of the best lawyers, not only in Chicago, but in the entire state of Illinois. If you do not allow me to get my property I'll sue you and end up owning everything you have to your name!"
The farmer said, "Slow down, buddy, it's just a duck. We usually settle petty arguments like this around here with the 'three kick rule,' if you wanna try that."
Lawyer said, "What's the three kick rule?"
Farmer said, "That's where we take turns kicking each other three times, then the other person gets three kicks. The one who gives up first loses."
The lawyer looked at farmer Brown. He thought to himself, "I go to the gym three times a week, I jog nearly every day, I keep in shape. There's no way this fat old Alabama bastard can beat me at anything physical."
The lawyer said, "That sounds fine to me, I'll do it."
Farmer said, "Ok. Since it's on my property, I get to kick first."
The lawyer braced himself.
That farmer reared back his size 12 steel-toed work boot and planted it directly in that lawyer's nuts, giving his family jewels a shock he'd never thought possible. The lawyer dropped to his knees in immediate agony.
The farmer's second kick went right to the lawyer's stomach, and everything inside him came up in a surging stream of regurgitation.
Then the farmer strolled around behind him and kicked him in his ass so hard the lawyer fell face-first into the puddle of his own vomitus, spittle and tears.
That lawyer lay, gasping for breath, for several minutes before he could move. He shakily managed to get to his feet. He wiped the slobber off his face with his sleeve and glared at that farmer until he finally struggled to speak, almost in a whisper:
"Now it's *my* turn."
The farmer looked him in the eye and smiled as he got on his tractor. "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekvdjl/fancy_chicago_lawyer_goes_duck_hunting_in_la/
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Legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray gets pulled over for going about 90 on the way to the ballpark ... (long)

He thinks his reputation will spare him from a ticket, but it's clear the cop is serious when he asks for Caray's license and registration. Harry, probably already three sheets to the wind, replies, "You know officer, I would give you that, but this is a stolen car." The cop is a bit taken aback and asks if there's anything else Caray needs to tell him. "As a matter of fact, I've got an unlicensed weapon in the glove compartment." The cop is starting to get worried and asks Caray to step out of the vehicle. Harry does and tells him "By the way, there's a dead body in the trunk, too." The cop is frazzled and tells him he has to call in backup to help search the car.
As they're doing so, the backup officer turns to him and says, "Mr. Caray, my partner said you told him this car is stolen, you've got a weapon in the glove compartment and a dead body in the trunk, and none of that is true."
Caray then says: "And I bet that son-of-a-bitch is going to say I was speeding, too!"
(Props to Ryan Dempster who told this story on a podcast).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekvcj4/legendary_chicago_cubs_broadcaster_harry_caray/
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What does the KKK and Nike's shoes have in common?

They both make black people run faster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekvccl/what_does_the_kkk_and_nikes_shoes_have_in_common/
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A guy attends an appointment with a psychiatrist...

The doctor tells him he's going to administer the Rorschach (ink blot) test.
The Doc shows him the first ink blot and asks him what he sees.
The guy says, " The tip of a man's penis against a woman's back."
"And the second ink blot?"
The guy answers, "Two women making love."
"And what about this one?", asks the Dr.
"Woo!, that's a threesome with two girls and a donkey!", says the guy.
The Doc says, "Wow, I don't need to show you anymore, I can tell you that you're a sexual deviant."
"I'm a deviant am I? You're the one showing me the dirty pictures!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekvble/a_guy_attends_an_appointment_with_a_psychiatrist/
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I would bring you to the movies...

But I wouldn't be able to get my eyes off you 🤪
- Day 3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekv5b6/i_would_bring_you_to_the_movies/
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People gave me strange looks when they saw me stuffing Shakur into my suitcase.

I don't know what the big deal is, I just wanted Tupac Shakur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekuvib/people_gave_me_strange_looks_when_they_saw_me/
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I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekuvht/i_hate_it_when_people_come_and_bang_on_your_door/
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If Rage Against the Machine had a farm

Bow Wow Chicken Bow Wow Chicken Chicken Chicken Bow Wow Chicken Bow Wow
COME WIT IT NOW!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekuuep/if_rage_against_the_machine_had_a_farm/
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Pregnancy

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?” “SHIRLEY!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!” “And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor. “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekusmm/pregnancy/
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What happens to the soldiers who are supposed to be deployed to Iraq?

They sit and Kuwait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekurwc/what_happens_to_the_soldiers_who_are_supposed_to/
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My friend built a resturant out of an old plane.

It's pretty good but I don't think it's gonna take off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekuqwy/my_friend_built_a_resturant_out_of_an_old_plane/
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Good News Bad News

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news. Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently. “Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?” Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!” “Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.” Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?” “The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekuqsw/good_news_bad_news/
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Why did the graph fall off the cliff?

It had depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekuqj4/why_did_the_graph_fall_off_the_cliff/
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Marriage Fight

Mary and Dave got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Mary absolutely crazy, and that was no matter how many times she told Dave how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did. It was after one such spat that he got down on his knees and said “Mary, I promise I am turning over a new leaf. From now on I will be on time for dinner!” Well, the next day, promptly at 5 o’clock, Dave locked up his shop and headed out the door to his car. When suddenly out of nowhere a car pulled up next to his parked car and hit Dave. Dave was rushed to the hospital. Luckily they let him out after 3 hours and he walked in the door to his house at 8 o’clock. Mary was livid! “Wait I can explain” pleaded Dave, “I got run over by a car!” “REALLY!?,” screamed Mary, “IT TAKE 3 HOURS TO GET RUN OVER BY A CAR!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekupdu/marriage_fight/
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A lot of people in America are obese. However, many people from Harvey Weinstein's circle are in decent shape.

Because they spent so long running from the truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekukvx/a_lot_of_people_in_america_are_obese_however_many/
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So this witty kid went to his teacher asked her if he can go to the bathroom...

The teacher responded, "Alright, you can go."
The kid thanked his teacher and then went back to his seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekukam/so_this_witty_kid_went_to_his_teacher_asked_her/
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Lie detector robot.

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekui1o/lie_detector_robot/
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Some cunt in a nightclub came up to me and said, “I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha.”

So, “20 x 0 = 0.”
I don't know what's funny!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekudwx/some_cunt_in_a_nightclub_came_up_to_me_and_said_i/
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My neighbor says that I have a problem with knowing my boundaries.

At least that’s what her diary says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekucm9/my_neighbor_says_that_i_have_a_problem_with/
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A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.

The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.
“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”
The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother:
“Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?”
The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs:
“Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?”
The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says:
“A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekubd9/a_sweet_and_innocent_young_italian_girl_gets/
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What do you call a quiet philosopher?

Secret-es

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eku6nl/what_do_you_call_a_quiet_philosopher/
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I got drafted into WW3

but Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eku3jc/i_got_drafted_into_ww3/
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NSFW maybe. A man walks into a bar...

When he enters he notices a dwarf playing the piano. He thinks it is a little strange but does think anything else of it. He goes to the bar and orders a drink. As he sips his drink he notices a lamp on a shelf above the bar
He asks the barman what it is. "It's a magic lamp" says the barman, "it will grant you one wish"
"Great!" Says the man "can I have a go?". And the barman agrees.
The man rubs the lamp and suddenly loads of ducks fill the room. Ducks on the floor, on the pool table, ducks on the bar, everywhere.
"What!?", says the man, "I wish for a million bucks not a million ducks!"
The barman sighs and says "Yeah will I didn't wish for a 12inch pianist"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eku37w/nsfw_maybe_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do a gym rat and a heart have in common?

They both be pumpin iron 24/7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ektz8d/what_do_a_gym_rat_and_a_heart_have_in_common/
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What did the 0 say to the 8?

You need to loosen up your belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ektvv4/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
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How can you tell if someone's a vegan?

I'm a vegan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ektud0/how_can_you_tell_if_someones_a_vegan/
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I went to take a shit in my friend's house and they had Donald Trump's autobiography on the side

I thought about it, but decided toilet paper would be comfier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ektt9x/i_went_to_take_a_shit_in_my_friends_house_and/
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A female janitor at my building asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her

I declined, I can't deal with high maintenance women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ektp7u/a_female_janitor_at_my_building_asked_me_if_i/
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Henry orders pizza

Henry orders a whole pizza
Waiter: How many pizza slices? 6 or 8 slices?
Henry: Just 6! I might not be able to finish 8 slices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ektk8n/henry_orders_pizza/
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A man without a hand

A man lost his hand due to a car accident, after living without a hand for a couple of weeks, he decides he can’t live like that, and decides to kill himself.
He goes into the top of a high building, but before he’s about jump, he looks down and see a man without any hands dancing. Confused he went down to talk to him. The man approaches to the man without hands and ask him: “How come I have only one hand and I want to die, and you don’t have hands and you are dancing? The man without hands yells at him:
“Who’s dancing!?, I’m trying to scratch my back for the past hour!
I’m Sorry for bad grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ektd3w/a_man_without_a_hand/
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The Jumper

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
[credit to Emo Philips]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekta5u/the_jumper/
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Technically, killing furries isn't manslaughter

It's poaching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekt68f/technically_killing_furries_isnt_manslaughter/
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A father is talking to his son because the school said the son stole someones lunch

Father: So I heard you stole someones lunch at school today. Do you know what we call someone who steals?
Son: No, father.
Father: I’ll give you a hint. Lets say I put my hand in your pocket and took out $100. What would you call me?
Son: A magician?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekszf3/a_father_is_talking_to_his_son_because_the_school/
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What's green and smells like pork??

Kermit The frogs dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eksxuk/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
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Why didn’t the 11 ants get let into the ant hill?

Because the ant hill is for ten ants only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eksplx/why_didnt_the_11_ants_get_let_into_the_ant_hill/
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We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eksm81/we_all_know_where_the_big_apple_is_but_does/
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My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekskyq/my_sister_bet_me_i_couldnt_make_a_car_out_of/
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A turtle is crossing the road

when he's mugged by two snails.
When the police show up, they ask him what happened.
The shaken turtle replies: "I don't know. It all happened so fast"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eksjef/a_turtle_is_crossing_the_road/
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Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eksfx9/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_2_doors/
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Did you know that a clitoris has over 8000 nerve endings?

But there's nothing more sensitive than a vegan on facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eksawl/did_you_know_that_a_clitoris_has_over_8000_nerve/
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I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eks7ty/i_hate_it_when_engineering_students_refer_to/
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Why did the girl put lipstick on her head?

Because she wanted to make up her mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eks7ii/why_did_the_girl_put_lipstick_on_her_head/
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Kevin with his mistress on the bed

"You should leave now. My husband is coming back soon", said the woman.
"Don't worry, I've got my trained smart horse outside. If I just blow a whistle and jump out the window, it would catch me easily", smiled Kevin.
Then someone knocked at the door.
In a panic, Kevin blowed a whistle and jumped out the window quickly.
The woman opened up, and found Kevin's horse standing by the door.
"It's raining heavily outside. I came to tell Kevin that I'll be waiting for him in the living room", said the horse.
(Translated from Chinese)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eks5p0/kevin_with_his_mistress_on_the_bed/
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At the behest of my mother...

"HEY son, did you know Yoda has a surname?"
"Oh? What is it?"
"Yoda-lay-hee-hoo"
I fully expect the down votes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekrzw6/at_the_behest_of_my_mother/
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A man went to confess to the priest

"Father, I've stolen someone's dog. But I don't want it now. Can I give it to you?"
"No, son, I don't want it.  You should return the dog to the owner."
"I did. But he said he doesn't want it."
"Well...Then I think you should keep the dog."
That night, the priest went back home and found his precious dog stolen.
(Translated from Chinese)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekrzgu/a_man_went_to_confess_to_the_priest/
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Why did the poor quarterback have his receivers cross at mid-field?

He was trying to make ends meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekrl6e/why_did_the_poor_quarterback_have_his_receivers/
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How do football players stay cool?

By standing close to the fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekrkh0/how_do_football_players_stay_cool/
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I tried rabbit stew for the first time today.

But I found a hare in my food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekrgnt/i_tried_rabbit_stew_for_the_first_time_today/
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A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He sits down and orders a drink.
The monkey, left to its own devices starts destroying everything in site.
It rips paintings off the wall, smashes ash trays, tears the felt off the pool table and swallows the 8 ball.
The bartender, clearly aggravated, tells the man what the monkey has done.
"I'll pay for it"
Says the man and writes a cheque for the needed amount and leaves.
The next week the same man arrives with his monkey, sits down, orders a drink and once again, let's the monkey go to town.
As the bartender watches on in half disbelief half humor the monkey picks up a grape, carefully inserts it into it anus, pulls it out then eats it.
The bartender grabs the man and shouts
"Holy shit, bruh. Your monkey just shoved a grape up its ass, pulled it out and then ate it!"
The man replies
"well, after the 8 ball incident he measures everything now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekr8jv/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
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A man has been found dead at the pizza parlour

He was covered in ham, pineapple, onions, mushrooms, bell pepper, ground beef, pepperoni and four cheeses.
Police are saying he topped himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekr36f/a_man_has_been_found_dead_at_the_pizza_parlour/
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A blonde, a brunette and a ginger all die and go to heaven

God says “in front of you is 500 steps, for each step I will tell you a joke, if you laugh you will be sent to purgatory, but if you don’t, you will enter heaven”
At step 150 the ginger laughs and is sent to purgatory
At step 350 the brunette laughs and is sent to purgatory
The blonde gets to step 499 when god says “congratulations on making it this far, only one more to go” only to laugh before the joke is told
“Why did you laugh? I hadn’t told the joke” god says
“I only got the first one now!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekr2ib/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_ginger_all_die_and_go/
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An old couple talks to their doctor about their memory loss. The doctor suggests that they write things down so they don't forget.

One day, both of them are sitting on the couch when Grandma asks for a bowl of ice cream.
"Coming right up," Gramps says, slowly getting onto his feet and heading towards the kitchen.
"Aren't you going to write that down?"
"Write that down? Of course not. I can remember a bowl of ice cream."
Grandma then requests to have one scoop of vanilla and one scoop of chocolate. Gramps again says yes.
"Aren't you going to write *that* down?"
"Hell no! One scoop of vanilla and one scoop of chocolate. Easy to remember."
Feeling testy, Grandma finishes her order with whipped cream, fudge, and a cherry on top. "Surely you're going to write all *that* down."
"Do you take me for a fool!? I can remember all that just fine! Vanilla, chocolate, whipped cream, fudge, cherry. I'll be back in a few."
Grandma waits for 15 minutes. She can hear the clanging of pots and pans as well as something sizzling on the stove. Finally, Gramps returns with a plate of bacon and eggs.
Grandma takes one look at the plate. Then at him. Then the plate again. Then back at him. She stares into his eyes with pity and sighs. "See? This is why I told you to write things down.
*You forgot the toast!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekqvgv/an_old_couple_talks_to_their_doctor_about_their/
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Why did 10 have PTSD?

Because he was smack dab in the middle of 9 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekqqns/why_did_10_have_ptsd/
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Plumbing

I like the Mario games and all, but... I have a hard time seeing Mario as a plumber when his entire life revolves around clogging some pipes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekqp5u/plumbing/
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I feel bad for boiling water

It will be Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekqokf/i_feel_bad_for_boiling_water/
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A programmer, a doctor and an anti-vaxxer are sitting in a bar.

The programmer says: “For me a mojito!”
The doctor says: “For me a pina colada!”
The anti-vaxxer says: “For me an applejack!” because anti-vaxxers are like any normal person and not so quirky or weird.
She then dies from measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekqn66/a_programmer_a_doctor_and_an_antivaxxer_are/
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What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, no head, and no torso? (Sorry if it's short.)

*Dick*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekqfvo/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_no_legs_no/
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I was attending a ceremony at a graphite convention, with multiple speakers. To my surprise, I was invited to give a speech of my own.

I took the microphone from one of the speakers. Oozing confidence, I shouted, “8B.”
The crowd erupted in applause. I handed the microphone back to the speaker and they told me,
“That was very bold of you to say.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekq50y/i_was_attending_a_ceremony_at_a_graphite/
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I got banned from /r/explainlikeimfive

I answered "Shut up and go to your room because I said so."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekq1ll/i_got_banned_from_rexplainlikeimfive/
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A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.
So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers
He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. He stands in line for about an hour and a half and get to the end. He finally rents his tuxedo.
Lastly, he makes a stop at the limo and, surprise surprise: there's a long limo line. He sticks with it because he really wants to impress his date and finally rents his limo after a couple hours.
So now it's the date of the dance and he pulls up in a stretch limo to pick up his date.
She's blown away by all the effort he put in for their date. She loves the flowers, she thinks he looks really handsome in his tuxedo, and finds the flowers to be beautiful.
So now they're at the prom, dancing, and having a good time until she gets thirsty.
"Hey, babe. Do you mind going over to the punch table to get me something to drink?"
"Sure! No problem, love."
He walks over to the punch bowl and there's no punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekpr7c/a_kid_asks_her_crush_out_to_the_prom_and_she_says/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekpnzm/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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I told my 16 year old son could invite his friends to have dinner with us.

He went down to the basement and I heard him say “Hey guys, wanna stay for dinner, we’re eating a masterbating cow!”
So I yelled down “Don’t be an ass! It’s Beef stroganoff”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekpnrs/i_told_my_16_year_old_son_could_invite_his/
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Why don’t Chinese people believe in Santa clause?

Because they are the ones who make the toys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekpetf/why_dont_chinese_people_believe_in_santa_clause/
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Not a lot of people knew who Qassim Suleimani was but now he’s very popular

He really blew up over night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekpcvq/not_a_lot_of_people_knew_who_qassim_suleimani_was/
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I dreamed that my friend Dietrich was shoving hotdogs up my ass

It was my wurst nightmare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekp6jv/i_dreamed_that_my_friend_dietrich_was_shoving/
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Two old friends were walking down the beach, and one spots an ancient-looking oil lamp.

He picks up the lamp, and just as he began to inquire 'What's thi...", his buddy rips the item out of his hands and begins furiously rubbing on the side of it.
Smoke began to swirl from the end of the lamp, and coalesced into a muscular man in old Arabian attire.
"I am a jinn who has been trapped inside this lamp!" the being bellowed, "For freeing me, I will grant you three wishes."
The man holding the lamp began to speak, but was quickly interrupted by his friend, of whom he stole the lamp.
"Wait a damn minute here! I had the lamp in my hands, and he just stole it...I was the one who found you!"
The jinn pondered for a moment, then spoke.
"Fine, I witnessed the theft from inside the lamp, but the rules tend to favor the one who actually rubs the lamp. But, seeing as how it was a real dick move,  I have decided on a solution that may be equitable."
"I will grant the one who found the lamp the three wishes, and the one who stole the lamp will be given the exact same wishes that are requested...but the effects or amounts will be doubled, since he actually rubbed the lamp and freed me."
The lamp thief began to protest; but his former friend, the finder, quickly spoke up...
"I want 100 tons of diamonds and gold!!!"
The jinn said solemnly, "As you wish..."
*POOF!* The man was surrounded by huge stacks of shiny gold bars and piles of twinkling diamonds, and the thief was surrounded by exactly twice as much...200 tons of gold and diamonds!
The thief nodded at his buddie, he was now happy with this arrangement.
"Next, great jinn, I want the love of a beautiful woman!"
"As you wish..."
*POOF!* A gorgeous woman appeared at his side, giggling as she hugged him tight and kissed him on the cheek.
The thief found himself flanked by two equally beautiful women!
"Speak now your final wish!"
The man looked at his old friend the thief, and smiled wickedly.
"Lastly, Mr. Jinn...would you please beat me half to death?"
"As you wish..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekp0kb/two_old_friends_were_walking_down_the_beach_and/
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's an interesting way to pass the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekopt4/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
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I thought the biggest fire this week was going to be in Australia.

But then I turned on the TV and watched Ricky Gervais burn all of Hollywood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekopik/i_thought_the_biggest_fire_this_week_was_going_to/
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I'm Using Internet Explorer, I Hope This Posts Quickly...

Happy New Year 2011!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekoont/im_using_internet_explorer_i_hope_this_posts/
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The bigger your feet, the bigger your dick. The bigger your car, the smaller your dick.

No wonder we're all terrified of clowns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eko4fd/the_bigger_your_feet_the_bigger_your_dick_the/
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I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eko3dk/i_just_had_a_near_sex_experience/
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A thief broke into my house

He was searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eknvtd/a_thief_broke_into_my_house/
%
Fish in a tank

Two fish are in a Tank, first fish turns to the second fish and goes 'do you know how to drive this thing'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eknt3p/fish_in_a_tank/
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You can never trust what your stomach is saying.

It's constantly making shit up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eknphy/you_can_never_trust_what_your_stomach_is_saying/
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My favorite Finnish joke

Pekka is at a party in a tall building in the great city of Helsinki, which is quite different from the small timber cabin in the forest he is used to as a lumberjack. Pekka is enjoying the party, but after a few bottles of the moonshine he brought, Pekka finds himself in the need of a toilet. He asks the hostess where the toilet might be located. She notices he’s a bit drunk, so she points and explains very carefully:
“Go out in the hall there, take the second door on your right, and be careful, there are three steps down, and there you’ll find the toilet.”
Pekka thanks the lady as politely as he can, and wanders off in the opposite direction. He finds a door, slams it open, and walks straight in without a care in the world, and finds himself tumbling down 17 meters in an empty elevator shaft. A bit confused after the fall, he stands up, brushes some dust off his shirt, and exclaims:
“Pärkälä! I’ll pee here! I can’t be bothered with two more steps like that!”
———

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eknj6u/my_favorite_finnish_joke/
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Three guys out in a fishing boat together got struck by lightning and killed.

When they arrived at the pearly gate St. Peter met them. He approached Joe first and introduced him to a homely woman a said this will be your mate for eternity to fulfill your every need. Joe said ok, but why not a pretty girl? St. Peter got out his book and searched, hmmmm, yes,hmm hmm, ok hum and closed the book. “ Joe it seems in life you were good but not that good”.
Then it was Bobs turn. St. Peter introduces him to an ugly woman to fulfill his every wish for eternity.
Like Joe, Bob asked what was with the ugly woman? St Peter searched the book again, hmm hmmm unhuh right. “Bob it seems in life you were good but not that good”
Then Fred stepped up. St. Peter introduces him to a beautiful young lady. Joe an Bob were floored and immediately asked St. Peter what the deal was. St.Peter again picks up the book, humm ok hum yes yes hum and closes the book.
It seems in life that she was good but....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekngvx/three_guys_out_in_a_fishing_boat_together_got/
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Some think T. rex’s never clap because their arms are so short.

I think it’s because they’re extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekng66/some_think_t_rexs_never_clap_because_their_arms/
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Why did 10 have post traumatic stress disorders and night terrors?

Because he was smack dab in the middle of 9 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eknett/why_did_10_have_post_traumatic_stress_disorders/
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My wife baked me a cake and I told her I was sending it to Budapest.

She asked why Budapest.
I said I'd renamed my stomach Budapest
She asked why again
Because Budapest is the capital of Hungry.
She is divorcing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eknc2p/my_wife_baked_me_a_cake_and_i_told_her_i_was/
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Why can you always tell what Dick and Jane will do next?

They're so easy to read!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekn6v0/why_can_you_always_tell_what_dick_and_jane_will/
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I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekn5bv/i_live_in_a_nonlegal_state_and_i_recently_found_a/
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To my friends in the Land Down Under

You better run, you better take cover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekmu6s/to_my_friends_in_the_land_down_under/
%
I saw a chameleon today.

That is one shitty chameleon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekmtjl/i_saw_a_chameleon_today/
%
3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire bragging about all the adventures they’ve had over the years.

The first cowboy says, “I’ve gotta be the toughest cowboy out there. Just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and killed 3 men and I single handedly wrestled that bull to the ground.”
The second cowboy says, “that’s nothing. About 2 weeks ago I found this huge rattlesnake, so I grabbed it by the neck, bit off it’s head, and drank the venom right from it, and I’m still here.”
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the embers of the fire with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekmrto/3_cowboys_are_sitting_around_a_campfire_bragging/
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I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country

He wrote back "I can't complain"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekmpfu/i_wrote_to_my_north_korean_penpal_asking_how/
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Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders and kid from the make a wish foundation are on a plane.

Suddenly, the pilot comes bursting from the cabin with what appears to be a parachute on.
“The engine is gone and we’re minutes from crashing so grab a chute and follow me.
The captain opens the door and takes a leap from the plane. Bernie runs across the plane to grab a parachute but sees there’s only two. Donald shouts, “there are only two parachutes left and if you think about that number it’s perfect and let’s be honest, that kid ain’t gonna make it so let’s save ourselves and give this kid a parade or something” Bernie has his mouth wide open while he watches Trump strap up and walk to the door. “You know Bernie, you are all about sharing so maybe give the last parachute to the boy and save yourself humiliation in the election” Donald shouted before grinning and jumping out of the plane.
Bernie turns to the boy,”Son, you gotta listen close because you’re gonna need to know how to deploy your parachute!” The boy starts laughing uncontrollably while Bernie straps the pack to him.
“It’s all good”  the boy yelled.
“Trump took my backpack!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekmnd4/donald_trump_bernie_sanders_and_kid_from_the_make/
%
A rich millionaire decides to throw a party...

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.
'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the tails come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the crocodiles are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekmlv1/a_rich_millionaire_decides_to_throw_a_party/
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My wife loves Winnie the Pooh

Told her this while making dinner.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Eeyore.
Eeyore who?
Ima Eeyore ass tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekmk17/my_wife_loves_winnie_the_pooh/
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A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;
"I would like to buy some cyanide,"
The pharmacist asked her:
"why in the world do you need cyanide?"
She said:
"I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got really big and he exclaimed:
"Lord Have Mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I'll lose my license,they will throw us both in jail. All kinds of bad stuff will happen. Absolutely not. you CANNOT HAVE ANY CYANIDE."
The lady then pulls a picture out of her purse showing him her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist examines the picture for a couple minutes, sighs and hands it back saying:
"Well now thats different
---------
You didn't tell me you had a prescription"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekmipn/a_calm_respected_woman_walks_into_a_pharmacy/
%
I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard shouted out..

"What have you got there?"
"Hummus", I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekmia1/i_was_just_taking_a_dip_in_the_swimming_pool_when/
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Why does Eminem hate Halloween?

Too many ghostwriters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekmg52/why_does_eminem_hate_halloween/
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My mother in-law is so old

that she has an autograph copy of the Bible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekmc9p/my_mother_inlaw_is_so_old/
%
I don't know why they haven't put advertisements on the Hulk yet.

He's basically a giant banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekm28s/i_dont_know_why_they_havent_put_advertisements_on/
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What's the one state Dracula doesn't like?

Alabama. Because they all taste the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eklzlq/whats_the_one_state_dracula_doesnt_like/
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I thought I’d try and impress the postman today...

I thought I’d try and impress the postman today. I woke up in a great mood and I KNEW my parcel was being delivered today, so I thought I’d try and make the postman’s day a little better too. So I had breakfast, made myself a coffee and sat by the door waiting for him.
11am, he strolls up the path and, before he could even knock, I opened the door with a big grin on my face. He handed me the parcel, to which I said “thank you! Did this come from...Parcelona?”
The postman didn’t even bat an eyelid. Not a response. Not even a sharp exhale through his nose. He just turned and left. I couldn’t believe it. HOW did he not laugh? I’d spent the morning thinking about this one joke and I get nothing!
But then it dawned on me...
...if you’re going to make jokes about post...
...it’s allllll about the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eklsou/i_thought_id_try_and_impress_the_postman_today/
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A guy has three sons

and a herd of cows. One day a cow dies. He asks the oldest son to go to the city and buy a new cow. He warns him to be careful when going through the dark forest and avoid the witch.
The son bumps into the witch in the forest and she is a beautiful young lady who tells him if he has sex with her 10 times in a row she will give him gold otherwise she kills him.  He can only manage 6 times.
Then the second cow dies. The guy asks the middle son to go to the city and buy a cow. The same thing happens to the middle son when he meets the witch.
When the third cows dies, it is the youngest son's turn to go to the city. He meets the witch and without hesitation pulls out his penis which is of monstrous size and starts f**ing the witch. He does it 10 times, 15 times, 20 times and the witch pleads him to stop to which he replies "Now you'll know how all the cows died."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eklppn/a_guy_has_three_sons/
%
A blond gets a toilet brush for her birthday

Her friend asks if it's any good, and the blond girl replies
"Yeah, I think it's Allright, but I prefer toilet paper"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eklmgz/a_blond_gets_a_toilet_brush_for_her_birthday/
%
I caught my Dad in a strip club the other day.

I was going to tell mum, but he was making good tips and we could do with the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekljmh/i_caught_my_dad_in_a_strip_club_the_other_day/
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Hey man, i avoided the draft.

Bullshit. What did you do?
I ran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekljds/hey_man_i_avoided_the_draft/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eklio0/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
I was doing a little shopping at my local grocery store.

As the cute cashier was ringing up my stuff, she saw that all I had was some ramen noodles, frozen burritos, and canned spaghetti.
She giggled and said “I can tell your single”. I laughed and asked “what gave it away?”
She replied “you’re fuckin ugly”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eklier/i_was_doing_a_little_shopping_at_my_local_grocery/
%
Trump dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he is greeted by the devil.
The devil says that there are 3 other people here that have done less bad than Trump, so Trump gets to decide which one goes to heaven so he can take their place.
The devil opens 3 doors, the first door has Richard Nixon in it. Nixon is swimming around a big pool nonstop.
The devil asked Trump if he would like to take Nixon's place.
Trump declined, and said that he was not a very good swimmer, and would get tired way to quickly.
The devil moves on, and opens the second door. Inside this room is Andrew Jackson. Andrew Jackson was running on the treadmill for eternity. The devil once again asked Trump if he would like to take his place.
"NO WAY"!, said Trump. "I get very dehydrated and my ankles swell up when I run, even if I run for 1 minute".
So, the devil led Trump to the last room. Inside this room was Bill Clinton, sitting on a chair, arms over his head, legs spread eagle. Also in the room was Melania Trump, sucking Bill Clinton real good.
The devil asked Trump one more time which room he choses, and who he would like to take the place of.
Trump, without hesitation, choses room #3.
Now, the devil snaps his fingers, and Melania floats off into heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekli9o/trump_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
I was fired yesterday from the keyboard factory

Apparently I wasn’t putting in enough shifts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekli5n/i_was_fired_yesterday_from_the_keyboard_factory/
%
Word on the street is Iran needs a new General.

Trump is doing so great, he’s even creating jobs in Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eklhyf/word_on_the_street_is_iran_needs_a_new_general/
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I tried to think of a pun about ass eating

but I couldn't think of anything tongue'n cheek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eklgi2/i_tried_to_think_of_a_pun_about_ass_eating/
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse ponders for a minute, then replies "I don't think I am," and then \*poof!\*, he disappears.
This is the part where the philosophy students in the room will start to snicker, because they are familiar with Descartes' postulate "I think, therefore I am."  But to tell you that beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eklcfz/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_says_youre/
%
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?

They live past the age of three

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekl4rk/you_know_why_vaccinated_children_are_more_likely/
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There once was a family that had a dog...

Their dog didn’t have any legs. They named it cigarette. Everyday they took it out for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekl3uz/there_once_was_a_family_that_had_a_dog/
%
Cartoonist found dead in home

Details are sketchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekl1jn/cartoonist_found_dead_in_home/
%
Lately I’ve been dating a blind girl, and I find that it is incredibly rewarding. I do find some things quite difficult though

I still struggle to get her husbands voice right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekkvz7/lately_ive_been_dating_a_blind_girl_and_i_find/
%
I turned vegan.

It was a big miss steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekkuy4/i_turned_vegan/
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Messing up the format

You know how to ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekkt70/messing_up_the_format/
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God said to John, come forth and you shall receive eternal life

But john came fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekko7f/god_said_to_john_come_forth_and_you_shall_receive/
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A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn't sexual harassment.

The woman replied, "But it was the midget".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekkl16/a_woman_reported_one_of_her_coworkers_for_sexual/
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Fall in love with your problems...

...who knows, maybe they'll leave you, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekkgkt/fall_in_love_with_your_problems/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women.

I don't like coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekkgh5/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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A Mormon was sitting next to an Irishman on a flight from London to New York

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekkcgf/a_mormon_was_sitting_next_to_an_irishman_on_a/
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I started a fight with 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11.

The police have identified me as the *prime suspect*.
&nbsp;
I'm not Canadian but I'm already sorry for posting this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekkbdv/i_started_a_fight_with_2_3_5_7_and_11/
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Do you know why the Easter bunny hides his eggs?

Because he doesn’t want anyone to know he fucked a chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekk44o/do_you_know_why_the_easter_bunny_hides_his_eggs/
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A doctor just flirted with me. She also said that i was really sweet.

Well her exact words were "severely diabetic" but I know what she meant. I got the hint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekk06h/a_doctor_just_flirted_with_me_she_also_said_that/
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A math professor walks into his classroom with a black eye

Student: what happened professor?
Prof: I got into a fight.
Student: with who?
Prof: Numbers that aren’t divisible by 2.
Class Clown: I guess the odds were against you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekjuny/a_math_professor_walks_into_his_classroom_with_a/
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Why couldn’t 11 ants park by their ant hill?

Because parking is for ten ants only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekjsnu/why_couldnt_11_ants_park_by_their_ant_hill/
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Old man Richard goes to bed

As Richard closed his eyes and dozed off, he suddenly found himself standing in front Heaven's Gates. Stunned in disbelief, Richard approaches Saint Peter in a panic.
"St. Peter! What happened, why am I in Heaven?"
"Well Richard, you've passed away in your sleep. From now on, the Gates of Heaven are open to you to join us in the afterlife."
"B-but.. My wife! My beloved Marie! It's just so sudden, St. Peter! I didn't even get to say goodbye to my wife! Oh please, could you grant me just one final moment so I can say farewell to my dearest wife?"
"Well... Alright, Richard. You've been such a good Christian, I will grant you this request. But my powers are limited, you'll only have a little bit of time to see her again. Also, I can't grant you your old body. Instead, I can only turn you into a spider, this is the best I can do for you."
"That's okay! I'll do anything for me to see my beloved Marie just one last time!"
As promised, Richard was now turned into a spider. He takes a piece of spider silk from his backside, sticks is to a cloud, and then he jumps off the cloud, slowly making his way towards Earth as he dangles down from his string of silk.
Nearing Earth, he faintly hears the voice of his wife calling out to him.
"Ri...d"
"Marie! I'm coming to you! I'm almost there!"
But then, the silk string suddenly stops, and Richards remains motionless in the air, still not close enough to his wife.
"No! Not now! I am so close, I must see my Marie just one last time!"
With all his might, Richard starts to squeeze and strain himself, trying to force more string out of him. Little by little, he gets closer towards Earth again, huffing and puffing to force the silk out of him.
"Ric..rd! Ri..chard!" He hears his wife yelling out to him in the distance.
"Marie! I'm almost there! I'm almost.. there! SO... CLOSE!"
"RICHARD!"
Richard opens his eyes, and he sees his wife in front of him, shaking him violently by his shoulders.
"RICHARD! WAKE THE FUCK UP! YOU'RE SHITTING ALL OVER THE BED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekjfxv/old_man_richard_goes_to_bed/
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Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekje4g/why_do_plants_hate_math/
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I got a Gucci tattoo on my ball sack

I've got a designer bag now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekjd9x/i_got_a_gucci_tattoo_on_my_ball_sack/
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A bus full of UGLY people crashes into a truck, they die, and go to Heaven.

When they arrive god is there and says: “I will grant each of you one wish”
The first man in line, gets up and asks to be handsome, God then grants this wish and the man becomes handsome.
The next person then asks for the same thing, and God grants their wish and makes them attractive.
At this point the man at the back of the line starts laughing to himself.
The wishes continue with everyone asking to look good and be prettier.
The man keeps laughing
Finally when God gets to the man at the end of the line he is hysterical with laughter.
“What is your wish” God Asks
The man says: “I wish they are all ugly again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekikl9/a_bus_full_of_ugly_people_crashes_into_a_truck/
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A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says: “Ten dollars.”
The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”
The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eki8e5/a_guy_sees_a_sign_in_front_of_a_house_that_says/
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Three kids come to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.

The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fucking French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, spanks him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fucking French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally, she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want any fucking French toast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eki6er/three_kids_come_to_the_kitchen_and_sit_around_the/
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What did the butt say to the penis?

You’ve got some balls hanging around here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eki5d6/what_did_the_butt_say_to_the_penis/
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How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eki3kc/how_many_engineers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I went to a fancy restaurant. They had a bread waiter who gave me bread. They had a butter waiter who gave me butter.

They had a head waiter as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekhz7m/i_went_to_a_fancy_restaurant_they_had_a_bread/
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3 Men On An Island

3 friends were stranded on an island. After walking for hours, the 3 men. were found by a tribe that lived deep in the woods of the island. The tribe tie them up as prisoners and take them to the village. When they arrive, the 3 men are taken into the chief’s hut.
Chief: “You 3 are now sacrifices for my tribe. But, if you each can go and bring back 10 of one kind of fruit, I will spare each who does.” The 3 men set off to find their fruit.
The first man returns shortly with 10 apples.
The chief then tells him, “Now that you have brought me 10 fruit, you must shove them up your ass without making a sound, or else you will still be sacrificed.”
The man gets 3 apples in before he starts crying from pain. He is stabbed and killed by the chief.
The second man returns with 10 grapes. The chief tells him the same thing. The man gets 9 grapes in before he starts laughing. He is then stabbed by the chief as well.
Then the first man asks the second in heaven, “Why did you laugh?? You only had one more grape and then you’d be free!”
The second man says, “I thought I had it too until I saw the last guy walk in with 10 pineapples.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekhyib/3_men_on_an_island/
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How are Xbox servers like hookers?

First they take my money, and then they go down on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekhsss/how_are_xbox_servers_like_hookers/
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So a ventriloquist is on stage telling jokes at a local bar with his dummy on his leg. He asks if the audience wants to hear a blonde joke and the audience cheers with general enthusiasm...

“Ok” he starts, “how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
But before he can finish, a blonde woman from the audience stands up, outraged.
“How dare you! How dare you generalize us like that just based on our hair color!”
The ventriloquist apologizes profusely exclaiming that he didn’t mean to offend anyone and that he only told the joke because the audience seemed like they wanted to hear it.
“Not you, asshole!” Proclaims the woman. “I’m talking to that fucker on your leg!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekhb96/so_a_ventriloquist_is_on_stage_telling_jokes_at_a/
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There’s not going to be another World War. Calm down.

“World War” implies that America still has allies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekh8q4/theres_not_going_to_be_another_world_war_calm_down/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekgw0u/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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A young boy asks his father for a present

Son: Can I have the new iPhone 11?
Dad: Hmm, why don’t you ever go to mom for stuff like this?! Fine, as long as you say the magic word.
Son: Svetlana.
Dad: .....would you like a case with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekgrqw/a_young_boy_asks_his_father_for_a_present/
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I put my root beer in a square cup.

Now it’s just beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekgp2b/i_put_my_root_beer_in_a_square_cup/
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In English, what comes after E?

Its N, you fool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekgk78/in_english_what_comes_after_e/
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What do you call a mediocre member of organized crime?

A mafiososo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekght8/what_do_you_call_a_mediocre_member_of_organized/
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A local business owner was looking for office help.

The owner put a sign in the window that read: “Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer.”
A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside.
After going inside, the dog looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then he walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. The receptionist got the idea and told the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so the manager led the dog into his office.
Inside, the dog jumped up onto a chair and started patiently staring at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says that you have to be able to type.”  The dog jumped down, walked over to a computer and typed out a perfect letter and then signed his name. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, “I still can’t hire you. The sign says that you have to be good with computers too.” The dog then went over to the computer and typed up a program that ran perfectly on the first test.
By now, the manager was totally dumbfounded and said to the dog, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and you have some interesting skills. However, I still can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and walked over to the sign and put his paw on the part where it said ‘equal opportunity employer’.
The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog calmly looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekggqz/a_local_business_owner_was_looking_for_office_help/
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Parachute for sale

Used once, never opened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekg6y7/parachute_for_sale/
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A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”

The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”
His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”
“In the pool.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekg3pl/a_teenager_tells_his_father_theres_water_in_my/
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What did the Spanish musician say after they left the sound booth?

Audios

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekfz2j/what_did_the_spanish_musician_say_after_they_left/
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A monk, 3 nuns and liquid soap (long)

So 2 monks were going to have a shower and as they got in, they realised that they didn't have any soap so one of them went up to his room as he had some there. As he was leaving, he saw 3 nuns in the hallway so posed as a statue to wait for them to go past.
When they reached him, the first nun said "Oh look, a new statue with very realistic manhood" and she pulled on it to see, and in surprise, the monk dropped a soap bar. The second nun exclaimed "Ooh look, a soap dispenser, let me have a go" and pulled aswell, so the monk dropped his other bar of soap. Finally, the third nun had a go, but he didn't have any more soap to drop, so she tried a few more times until she exclaimed, "Look, liquid soap!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekfxvy/a_monk_3_nuns_and_liquid_soap_long/
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A blond takes her goldfish to the vet.

"I think it's got epilepsy" she tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
The blond says, "Well DUH!!!, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekftqh/a_blond_takes_her_goldfish_to_the_vet/
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I bought my son a fridge for Christmas

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he open it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekfogr/i_bought_my_son_a_fridge_for_christmas/
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If anyone gets a message from me about tinned meat, don’t open it....

It’s spam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekfgpl/if_anyone_gets_a_message_from_me_about_tinned/
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Me: "A beautiful witch was hitch-hiking...

so I stopped and picked her up"
Friend: "How do you know she was a witch?"
Me: "Well she got in my car, put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekf9ou/me_a_beautiful_witch_was_hitchhiking/
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A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.
The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekf9it/a_woman_dies_and_goes_to_the_gates_of_heaven/
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Two male deers walk out of the gay bar.

One deer turns to the other and says "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekevex/two_male_deers_walk_out_of_the_gay_bar/
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Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekesol/dont_be_worried_about_your_smartphone_and_tv/
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What’s the difference between 69 and family reunion?

You only see one asshole in 69

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekeje3/whats_the_difference_between_69_and_family_reunion/
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What is the similarity between a bar and a bra ?

They both drive men crazy when they open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekeja8/what_is_the_similarity_between_a_bar_and_a_bra/
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Why did the pirate take so long learning the alphabet

Because he spent years at C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekecjc/why_did_the_pirate_take_so_long_learning_the/
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How do you know someone's a vegan?

They'll tell you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eke2jr/how_do_you_know_someones_a_vegan/
%
Two psychics bump into each other walking down the street...

One says to the other “You’re doing alright, how am I?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eke2g7/two_psychics_bump_into_each_other_walking_down/
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A man won $100 million dollars in the lottery. Realizing he could buy whatever he wanted, he switched to gold toilet paper and secured a generous supply of daily burrittos

In a single year, his entire winnings were wiped out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekdz4h/a_man_won_100_million_dollars_in_the_lottery/
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A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest...

...when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do  this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"
The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. They run until the get to an open field and come across a deer doing lines of coke.
So  the rabbit again says, "Deer my friend, why do you do this? Think  about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll  see, you'll feel sooooooo good!"
The deer looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses  them and starts running with the rabbit and skunk. The three animals  then come across a bear, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot  up.
"Bear my friend, why do you do  this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful  forest and you'll feel more alive then ever!" The bear looks at him, puts down his  needle, and mauls and eats the little rabbit friend.
The skunk and deer watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Bear, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The bear answers, "That little assclown! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekdhyw/a_rabbit_is_joyfully_running_through_the_forest/
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I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .

I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekdehy/i_was_watching_an_australian_cooking_show_and/
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Want to know a job that isn't doing very well right now

Archeology it's in ruins!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekdckt/want_to_know_a_job_that_isnt_doing_very_well/
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Why did 10 have PTSD

Because it was smack dab in the middle of 9 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekd5zp/why_did_10_have_ptsd/
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Just finished watching WW2 in colour..

Cant wait for season 3, says it's coming out in the near future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekd2rl/just_finished_watching_ww2_in_colour/
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Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekcwdh/did_you_hear_that_disney_is_making_a_crossover/
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A skeleton walks into a bar,

he orders a beer and a mop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekct2c/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do Melania and the Donald have in common?

They're both fucking stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekcsrg/what_do_melania_and_the_donald_have_in_common/
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I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.

He removed the Mariah Carey Xmas CD, and now it's fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekcrui/i_took_my_car_to_the_mechanic_because_it_was/
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What do you call honey bee fetish?

Bee DSM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekcroe/what_do_you_call_honey_bee_fetish/
%
A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita.

They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.  When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but Im glad she slapped him."  The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didnt know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadnt missed him when she slapped me!"  The young woman was sitting and thinking, "Im glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"  The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekcoqu/a_young_programmer_and_his_project_manager_board/
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What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know but the flags a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekchw4/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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What's thanos's favourite app?

Snapchat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekcet1/whats_thanoss_favourite_app/
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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.
“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.
Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.
“Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?”
“No.” He says.
She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss.
Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past.
“Oh you poor thing...Have you ever been fucked?”
“No.”
“Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekcbfr/a_man_with_no_arms_and_legs_was_sun_baking_on_the/
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If I put self raising flour on it...

Does that mean I still have to pay child support?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekc2hy/if_i_put_self_raising_flour_on_it/
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In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.
Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.
They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.
On his way back with a truckload of the tiny birds, he accidentally struck a cougar in the road.
Unfortunately for him, it was (at the time) the state animal and harming one was a felony.
The poor guy was charged with transporting young gulls across a state lion for immortal porpoises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekbxxa/in_the_early_1970s_researchers_discovered_that_a/
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Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!
Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."
Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!
Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."
The witch then transformed him into an ant.
Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! "
Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato."
Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!"
He is still adamant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekbwvv/adam_meets_a_witch/
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A man in the bush

lives next door to 3 of his mates. One day, a bushfire comes roaring through. It sets the mans house, and body on fire. His friends put the fire out and call an ambulance for the man.
Once the man arrives at the hospital he is in immense pain. The doctor decides to check his bones and orders an x-ray, where he discovers that almost every single bone in the mans body has been broken.
Doctor: Sir i can see you have small burns on your body, but i must ask where all these broken bones came from?!
Man: My friends put me out with a shovel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekbve2/a_man_in_the_bush/
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The Legend Of The Bacon Tree

The year is 1541 and the French have just begun colonization in North America. Young Jean-Luc is in his newly crafted home when suddenly his friend Jean-Pierre bursts through his front door. 'Jean Luc!' he exclaims. 'You weel nevar believe! I 'ave 'eard word of a bacon tree!'. Jean-Luc looks confused and scoffs 'Imposseeble! You cannot grow BaycON on a tree!'. 'Come! And I weel show you ze bacon tree!'. So Jean-Luc & Jean-Pierre set off down the river, with Jean-pierre providing direction to the enigmatic 'bacon tree'. Finally, they pulled over onto a small beach that lead to a large forest. 'Stay 'ere and watch ze canoe, and I weel bring ze bacon back from ze bacon tree!' said John-Pierre. Hours go by and John-Pierre hasn't returned. As night falls, and Jean-Luc is about to enter the forest to look for his friend, he hears a rustling in the nearby brush, to which Jean-Pierre stumbles out, bloody and with arrows through his legs and arms. 'Jean-Pierre! What 'appened!!' exclaimed Jean-luc. 'Turns out it was not a bacOn tree.....but rather it was an 'AMBUSH!!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekbndm/the_legend_of_the_bacon_tree/
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What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't hear a vitamin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekbl5w/whats_the_difference_between_a_vitamin_and_a/
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Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for

He said “Genius”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekbdzt/donald_trump_was_asked_what_the_j_in_donald_j/
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I just walked in to the pub and rubbed Viagra in my eyes

I did it to make me look hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekbbon/i_just_walked_in_to_the_pub_and_rubbed_viagra_in/
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A man comes up to me, a waiter for a restaurant.

'' a crocodile sandwich, please, '' he says '' and make it snappy. ''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekb4ry/a_man_comes_up_to_me_a_waiter_for_a_restaurant/
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Had an issue remotely connecting to an Australian PC.

Connection was blocked by the firewall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekb4jj/had_an_issue_remotely_connecting_to_an_australian/
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What does a cow call a handjob?

A beef jerkie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekb3yn/what_does_a_cow_call_a_handjob/
%
A man walks into a bar

He walks up to the bartender and gloomily says ''on beer please.''
''why the long face?'' asks the bartender.
So the guy tells him how his wife left him, and he got fired from his job, and how everything's falling apart.
''its okay,'' squeaks a high-pitched voice ''at least you've got yourself, and you look really nice!''
'' hey, tha- wait, the bar's empty. Who's that? ''
'' oh, it's just us'' squeaks the voice'' the pretzels!''
'' um, what's with the pretzels? '' grunts the man to the bartender.
'' oh, don't worry,'' comes th reply '' they're complimentary! ''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekb21z/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm

''two beers, '' he says ''one for me, and one for the road.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekawyt/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_chunk_of_asphalt/
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The military just came to my door saying I was getting drafted, guess what I did

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekas21/the_military_just_came_to_my_door_saying_i_was/
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A German Sheperd, Doberman and cat died.

All three faces the god who wants to know what they believe in.
the german sheperd says: " i beleive in disclipine and loyalty to my master".
So  God says him to sit on his right side.
then it was the turn of doberman and it says" i believe in the love,care and protection of my master"
so god said it to sit on his left side.
Finally it was the cats turn and god asked cat the same question.
Then the cat answers "i believe you are sitting in my seat".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekanw1/a_german_sheperd_doberman_and_cat_died/
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I hit a new high today, but my wife tells me that it's actually the lowest I've ever been.

Turns out substance abuse isn't a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekanph/i_hit_a_new_high_today_but_my_wife_tells_me_that/
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A man and a woman were traveling in a train.

Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.
Man: Aww....! Are you single?
Woman: No, I am a Dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekana6/a_man_and_a_woman_were_traveling_in_a_train/
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I don't see why some straight men dislike gay men.

Not only do they leave more women for us, they take a dude with them which is a win - win anyway you see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekal66/i_dont_see_why_some_straight_men_dislike_gay_men/
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In an alternate reality where fences are females and posts are male...

A teenage post teases that his friend is taking another post to prom. The friend says, "Hey! I take a fence to that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ekadcu/in_an_alternate_reality_where_fences_are_females/
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A rather bad man dies and meets Satan...

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek9tj2/a_rather_bad_man_dies_and_meets_satan/
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A man finally returns home from WWIII to his dog

The dog asks:
“Did you go for a walk without me?”
The man replies:
“No, Iran”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek9qzb/a_man_finally_returns_home_from_wwiii_to_his_dog/
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Why are priests fat?

They have a lot of mass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek9pk8/why_are_priests_fat/
%
What did Thanos put in his coffee?

Half and Half

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek9l2l/what_did_thanos_put_in_his_coffee/
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Our hero sits down at the bar next to a beautiful woman.

He:  May I buy you a drink?
She:  Sure, thanks!
...after sipping at their drinks for a bit...
He:  Can I smell your pussy?
She:  You most certainly cannot!!
He:  Oh.  Then it must be your feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek9ize/our_hero_sits_down_at_the_bar_next_to_a_beautiful/
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What’s the difference between a choking fetish and necrophilia?

About 20 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek9id9/whats_the_difference_between_a_choking_fetish_and/
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We were at Kyle's place last week and had an idea

You know how everyone has occasionally had the great idea to try and snort assorted things? Like pixie stix and rock candy? That's where this story takes place.
Somehow the topic of conversation wandered to the effects of cocaine and other substances on the nostrils. The attention seeker of the group, James, adamantly responded there's no way the actual activity of snorting could possibly harm your nose, and the destruction of the schnauzer was the fault of whatever substance was snorted.
Several members of the group challenged this, and back and forth ensued, until an agreement was reached. James would try it himself, without the substance part.
Issue was, the only consumable we had handy was fruit punch. The group began boiling down a small batch to be placed into a snortable less liquidy form. Credit cards were unsheathed, ready to swipe and manipulate the gooey substance into a snortable line. The scene was set and the challenge was nearing.
We all patiently awaited the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek8z8y/we_were_at_kyles_place_last_week_and_had_an_idea/
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Communist puns aren't funny

Unless everyone get them.
(I need full Marx for this one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek8yi2/communist_puns_arent_funny/
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What do you call a gay vampire?

a fruit bat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek8yhb/what_do_you_call_a_gay_vampire/
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You know what the worst part of being a Black Jew?

You still gotta sit in the back of the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek8u8t/you_know_what_the_worst_part_of_being_a_black_jew/
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A man is stranded in the desert dying of thirst.

As he crawls along he spots something on the horizon. As he gets closer, he sees the objects are market stalls. He goes t the first stall and pleads for water. The stall holder tells him he only sells jelly with broken biscuit in it. He crawls to the next stall and and pleads for water put the stall holder tells him he only serves cold custard. He crawls to the final stall and pleads for water. The stall holder tells him he only sells dream topping. The man cries in anguish and asks why the market only sells jelly, cold custard and dream topping but no water. The stall holder replies 'yes, it is a trifle bizarre, isn't it!'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek8u12/a_man_is_stranded_in_the_desert_dying_of_thirst/
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Go get the daughter

Wife : wow! Honey never thought our son would get that far
Husband : yeah, the catapult really is amazing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek8lvc/go_get_the_daughter/
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How do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him politely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek8itn/how_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
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The red guy lives in the red house, the green guy lives in the green house, and the yellow guy lives in the yellow house. Which house does the orange guy live in?

The white house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek8hel/the_red_guy_lives_in_the_red_house_the_green_guy/
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A guy invites a hooker in for dinner...

He gave her his peas, then she gave him herpes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek8dsm/a_guy_invites_a_hooker_in_for_dinner/
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Three bestfriends are all dating men with the same name...

They got confused all the time about which boyfriend they were talking about, so one day they decided to make up some nicknames, one girl was drinking some pop and said "hey, let's name them after pop?", they reply with "sure"
First girl goes and says "I'm going to name mine Mountain Dew cause he's always mounting me and telling me what to do"
Second girl goes and says "I'm going to name mine 7up cause he's 7 inches and always up"
Third girl goes and says "I dont know what pop to name mine, so I'm going to name mine Jack Daniels"
The girls asked why
She replied with a big smile "because hes a hard liquor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek8bm5/three_bestfriends_are_all_dating_men_with_the/
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No one has even heard of this Qasem Soleimani guy up until the recent incidents...

It’s like he blew up over night or something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek89bw/no_one_has_even_heard_of_this_qasem_soleimani_guy/
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Ya know I hear Iran has no Walmarts

Only Targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek857v/ya_know_i_hear_iran_has_no_walmarts/
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The killer was found to be completely insane.

So insane, in fact, I was able to convince him that he was guilty of the murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek82t7/the_killer_was_found_to_be_completely_insane/
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Yesterday I saw a guy drop all his Scrabble tiles on the road.

I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek8227/yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_drop_all_his_scrabble_tiles/
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You know what I hate about cliffhangers?

Find out next week on r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek8078/you_know_what_i_hate_about_cliffhangers/
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President Trump is so good at creating jobs.

He even just recently opened up a job in Iran. I heard they’re looking for a new General

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek7yue/president_trump_is_so_good_at_creating_jobs/
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What do we want?

Time travel.
"When do we want it?"
It's irrelevant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek7vqv/what_do_we_want/
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Everyone’s complaining about the draft, and I don’t understand.

Just close the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek7r7s/everyones_complaining_about_the_draft_and_i_dont/
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Caught a disgusting pervert on the bus today

He was watching pornography over my shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek7pfj/caught_a_disgusting_pervert_on_the_bus_today/
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What's the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia?

About 15 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek7p0s/whats_the_difference_between_choking_fetish_and/
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What is the favorite instrument when two sheep get together?

....a tu-baaaaaaaaaaaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek7hm1/what_is_the_favorite_instrument_when_two_sheep/
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Emily Rose sat on a pin

Emily Rose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek7f4i/emily_rose_sat_on_a_pin/
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Speed Limit

A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they're only going 25mph, stopping mid-day traffic. The policeman asks the driver as to why he was going so slow?
"Well that's the speed limit isn't it ! There was a sign saying 25 and everything !" the driver defends himself. The policeman sighs , "No sir , that's the number of the highway you're on , it has nothing to do with the speed limit".
"Oh so that's what it means" replies the driver visibly shocked.
The officer looks around to see the other grannies frozen and stiff. He asks the driver , "what's up with the ladies ?"
The driver scratches his head
"You see ....we just got off highway 150......"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek73jx/speed_limit/
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Whats the difference between a Ritz cracker and a Lesbian?

One is a snack cracker the other is a crack snacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek6m3n/whats_the_difference_between_a_ritz_cracker_and_a/
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Dentist: This will hurt a little

Patient: Ok
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for 3 months now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek6jog/dentist_this_will_hurt_a_little/
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When geese fly in a v-formation why is one side longer than the other?

Because there are more geese on that side.
(My 90 year old great uncle claims to have made this up, I dont know if he did or not but I love it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek6d4z/when_geese_fly_in_a_vformation_why_is_one_side/
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Someone stole my tesla today

I guess you could call it an Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek6aik/someone_stole_my_tesla_today/
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This one got me

A man and his best friend are chatting.
"How much legs does a black rooster have?"
The man responded with 2.
"How much beaks do they have?"
"1"
"How much eyes do they have?"
"2"
"Okay final question: How many whiskers does a white cat have?"
The man is taken aback. "6?" He questions.
The other man scoffs. "It seems you know alot about black cocks but not white pussies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek68jr/this_one_got_me/
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Where does a suicide bomber go when he dies?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek64qh/where_does_a_suicide_bomber_go_when_he_dies/
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Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?

All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek63ao/why_are_redneck_murders_the_hardest_to_solve/
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The Mature Lady

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: ...Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
Moral??
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5xp0/the_mature_lady/
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A Mexican Magician...

...told his audience he'd disappear on the count of three.
He began counting "Uno, dos..."
And he disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5w9h/a_mexican_magician/
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Saw a little kid getting bashed by 2 men on the street, so I stopped to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the 3 of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5vz5/saw_a_little_kid_getting_bashed_by_2_men_on_the/
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I bought a power bank from China.

I plugged in and my phone started charging it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5v0j/i_bought_a_power_bank_from_china/
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So a little kid is going through his mothers purse and takes out her drivers license...

his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him
the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"
she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"
"and what is that?" says his mother
"you're old" says the kid
"and i learned your height"
"which is?' says the mother
"your really tall" he says
"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"
"and, i learned your weight" he says
"and what is that?" asks the mother
"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says
the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"
"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"
"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"
"because, you got an f in sex"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5t73/so_a_little_kid_is_going_through_his_mothers/
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Never get stuck behind the devil in a Post Office queue

For the devil can take many forms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5rgv/never_get_stuck_behind_the_devil_in_a_post_office/
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Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5r8f/today_i_saw_a_little_boy_wearing_rags_sitting_on/
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Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

Because they had a fight earlier and 2021.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5r2r/why_was_2019_afraid_of_2020/
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I am going tell a joke about a black hole

Nevermind, it just sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5qyo/i_am_going_tell_a_joke_about_a_black_hole/
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I was in bed last night with my wife...

I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse."
I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5qfi/i_was_in_bed_last_night_with_my_wife/
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I made a quick drawing of a dark alleyway yesterday.

It's a very sketchy place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5oqo/i_made_a_quick_drawing_of_a_dark_alleyway/
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What is it called when Australia join in during ww3?

A firefight
(All jokes aside go donate to help Australia what's going on is fucking terrible)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5oq3/what_is_it_called_when_australia_join_in_during/
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a cleaner knocks on the door of a hotel room

, after waiting awhile an Asian man answers the door. Cleaner says "Hey mate, where's ur bin?" The man replies "I bin on the loo" the cleaner says "no, where's ur dust bin" to which he replies "I dust bin on the loo" cleaner gets a bit annoyed "NO, where's ur wheelie bin" Asian man says "ok, I wheelie bin having a wank"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5kmv/a_cleaner_knocks_on_the_door_of_a_hotel_room/
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I got home late last night went to bed to try to wake the missus up for some fun

I sneak under the blankets and start licking her out, after about 5 minutes she screams squirts all over my face. I head to the bathroom, splash a heap of water in my face look in the mirror and find my girlfriend behind me. I get startled and yell "Fuck you scared the shit out of me" she replies "shhh you'll wake your mother"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5g3o/i_got_home_late_last_night_went_to_bed_to_try_to/
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What do you call a holy starfish?

St. Patrick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5ccp/what_do_you_call_a_holy_starfish/
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I went to the doctor the other day

He told me I needed to stop masturbating.
I asked him “Why?” As I zipped up my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5bjb/i_went_to_the_doctor_the_other_day/
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I’m looking for a man that won’t be a pain in my ass...

...but someone who will stretch me a little out of my comfort zone I think would be a good fit.
Get it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek5auh/im_looking_for_a_man_that_wont_be_a_pain_in_my_ass/
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Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I immediately throw half of them in the trash.

I don't want unlucky people working in our department.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek59dh/whenever_i_get_a_stack_of_resumes_i_immediately/
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Everything's bigger in Texas.

A Texan goes to Australasia and goes to The Outback where he meets a rancher. They start up a conversation about ranching. The Texan points to a barn and says, “Everything is bigger in Texas. In Texas the barn on my ranch is three times that size.” “Ripper,” says the rancher. The Texan points to the farmhouse and says, “Everything is bigger in Texas. Our farmhouse is ten times the size of that.” “Good for you mate,” says the rancher. Just then a kangaroo bounds past the two people. “What the hell was that?” The Texan asks. The rancher says, “That was a grasshopper.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek50sx/everythings_bigger_in_texas/
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Johnny and WWIII

So Johnny gets drafted and he’s about to be deployed and everyone’s getting their guns. When it’s his turn to get a gun, they’re out! So Johnny asks, “how do I fight without a gun?” And the man giving out the guns says, “well, how ‘bout you do this:” the man makes finger guns and says **gun-git-a-gun-gitta-gun gun gun**. So Johnny goes off to war and he sees a man up on a hill. He decides to give the man’s trick a try, and he points his fingers at the man and says **gun-git-a-gun-gitta-gun gun gun**. Then, the man falls over. Wow, the man’s trick is working, Johnny thinks. He sees another man, and he points his fingers and exclaims **gun-git-a-gun-gitta-gun gun gun**. The man drops dead. He keeps looking for more enemy soldiers, and he sees a man running towards him waving his arms and shouting. Johnny sees that the man has an enemy uniform so he shoots, **gun-git-a-gun-gitta-gun gun gun**, but the man keeps running. Johnny, confused, tries again. **gun-git-a-gun-gitta-gun gun gun**. Nothing happens. The man is close now, and Johnny can hear what he is saying. The man is saying >! **Tank-ity Tank-ity Tank-ity tank tank tank** !<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek4xra/johnny_and_wwiii/
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I'm tired of following my dreams

I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.
(I used to miss Mitch. I still do, but I used to too.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek4vxw/im_tired_of_following_my_dreams/
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My drug dealer loves telling jokes.

He cracks me up sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek4sjl/my_drug_dealer_loves_telling_jokes/
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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed this morning.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek4fgk/i_walked_in_the_bedroom_to_find_my_wife_dead_in/
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In light of people getting slapped by the pope.

There was this poor old guy named Donald who hears that the pope is going on tour and will be parading through his town. Donald was very excited that he might get a chance to meet the pope and shake his hand. So he decided to make a plan. He thought that the pope would want to meet the richest man in town. Donald thought that if were somehow able to appear rich, stand by the road, the pope would see him, be impressed, stop and Donald would get to shake the pope’s hand.
So poor old Donny went out and bought a nice new expensive suit that he couldn’t really afford, and on the appointed day, got up early, put on his new suit, went out and got a neat comb-over haircut, and made his way to the edge of the road where the pope would soon be driving by.
After what seems like an eternity, he finally spots the motorcade, and old Donny boy begins to get tingly with anticipation. As it gets closer and closer, it suddenly stops right in front of him. The pope gets down out of the p-mobile, walks toward Donald, and without even looking at him, walks past him toward a scruffy little guy sitting obliviously against a wall. The little guy is wearing nasty, dirty clothes and is drunk as a skunk. The pope, arms folded, stands silently over the drunk who finally looks up. The pope unfolds his arms, slowly leans down and says something to the drunkard that nobody could hear. The drunkard, smiling stupidly, then gets up and hobbles down the street as the pope makes his way back to his po-mo.
Donald is momentarily confused, but then it dawns on him. Of course! The pope doesn’t want to meet rich people. He wants to meet downtrodden, poor people! So he goes to plan-b and runs after the drunk guy. When he catches up to him, big Donny offers to swap clothes with him. Of course the man immediately agrees. So they go behind a couple of bushes and proceed with their transaction. Donald is momentarily overcome by the stench of his new clothes, but tells himself that sacrifices must be made and off he runs after the slow moving papal motorcade.
Like F. Gump, he runs and runs and finally catches up to the motorcade. Donny goes a little ways farther, stops and sits down just like the drunk guy did, to wait for the popemobile to pass by. Sure enough, as it gets to him, it stops. Donald is beyond excited as the pope jumps down and walks toward him. Just as before, with arms crossed and with a stern, pious expression, the pope stands over Donald. After a few seconds, he leans down in Donald’s face and quietly snarls, “I thought I told you to get the hell out of here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek42uw/in_light_of_people_getting_slapped_by_the_pope/
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Trump's favorite baseball team is the Yankees

Except during the draft, then it's the Dodgers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek3wd5/trumps_favorite_baseball_team_is_the_yankees/
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So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means?

It isn't the end of the world!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek3rme/so_what_if_i_dont_know_what_armageddon_means/
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A woman goes to the store looking to buy vegetables

She walks up the the grocer and says "Excuse me, I would like to buy a pound of broccoli"
The grocer says "Oh I am sorry but we do mot have broccoli anymore. Can i interest you in some cabbage?"
The woman insists "No, I want a pound of broccoli"
The grocer says in a confused manner "But we ran out of broccoli. How about some green beans?"
Again the woman says "No I want a pound of broccoli"
The grocer is starting to get annoyed "Ma'am
..we have no broccoli...how about some brussel sprouts?"
"No....i want a pound of broccoli"
This continues for five minutes making the grocer angrier and angrier until the grocer says this
"Ok ma'am...can you spell dog as in dogmatic?"
The woman looks confused "...uuhhh...yea....D-O-G."
The grocer than says "Can you spell cat as in catastrophe?"
The woman confused again answers ".....C-A-T"
The grocer than asks "Can you spell fuck, as in broccoli?"
And the woman shouts "THERE IS NO FUCK-IN BROCCOLI"
"Thats what I have been trying to tell you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek3qwo/a_woman_goes_to_the_store_looking_to_buy/
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked. “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek3q0h/a_burglar_broke_into_a_house_one_night_he_shone/
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Commas can really change the meaning in a sentence.

For example:
Ben is in a hurry.
Vs
Ben is in a coma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek3el5/commas_can_really_change_the_meaning_in_a_sentence/
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What do you call an angry german

Sauerkraut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek36hh/what_do_you_call_an_angry_german/
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On Midnight of New Years Eve, I lifted my left leg.

Just wanted to start the year on the right foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek36b4/on_midnight_of_new_years_eve_i_lifted_my_left_leg/
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I will be attending a competition that takes place every 4 years to see which Irishmen has the worst case of Erectile Dysfuction.

Better known as The O'limpdicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek2ttm/i_will_be_attending_a_competition_that_takes/
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Why won't Australians see your posts?

They can only sort by hot right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek2lzl/why_wont_australians_see_your_posts/
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Jesus can walk on the water, babies are 86% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am...

100% arrested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek2b7e/jesus_can_walk_on_the_water_babies_are_86_water_i/
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911 Operator: What's your emergency?

Me: This man keeps laughing at me!
Operator: That sounds annoying, but it isn't a crime.
Me: then what hell is manslaughter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek2ayt/911_operator_whats_your_emergency/
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What do you get when you cross a parrot and a cat?

A trip to the vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek1v0j/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_parrot_and_a_cat/
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I got kicked in the nuts at Midnight on New Years.

I started the year off on the highest note possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek1t1y/i_got_kicked_in_the_nuts_at_midnight_on_new_years/
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Sure, people may look down on me for being self-employed, but it certainly has some hidden perks.

For instance, my boss gives the best handjobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek1r0t/sure_people_may_look_down_on_me_for_being/
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A man dies and he's able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.

And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "what the fuck?? Where are the hookers and blow? The dj and pools?" and the devil responds....
"well,
that's the difference between being a tourist and being an immigrant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek1nxh/a_man_dies_and_hes_able_to_be_in_heaven_and_in/
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Yet another genius Australian.

The Park Ranger had been trying to catch a guy for illegal crayfish poaching, so he hid behind a bush and waited. Along came the guy and soon after he pulled a crayfish from the billabong.
The Ranger jumped out and said “Okay Billy I am arresting you for stealing crayfish. “
Billy said “I didn't steal any crayfish, he's my pet and I bring him here for five minutes swimming lessons and I can prove it.”
“Okay “, said the Ranger “prove it. “
Billy put the crayfish back in the water and after five minutes the Ranger said “Okay, where is he? “
Billy said, “Where's who?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek1hsp/yet_another_genius_australian/
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Australians are geniuses.

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek1h8x/australians_are_geniuses/
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A young man was visiting his girlfriends parents for the first time.

As they ate dinner, he felt the need to pass gas, but he held it in quite a while.  As the night wore on, he couldn't stand it, so he tried to let out just a little bit.
"Eeeep!"
The girls mother looks sharply at the dog and says "Spot!"
Twenty minutes go by, and he decides to try it again.
"EEEPPP!"
The girls mother shouts at the dog "SPOT!"
He decides that if she's going to blame it on the dog, he may as well let it all out. There followed such a deluge of brapping and whistles that the girls mother screams at the dog "SPOT! Get away from him before he shits on you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek1e8q/a_young_man_was_visiting_his_girlfriends_parents/
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Why do couples that are into bondage always get married?

Because they love to tie the knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek17a2/why_do_couples_that_are_into_bondage_always_get/
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How many of you have ever slept with your best friend?

I did. It was fun, but really awkward the next day.
I couldn't look him in the eye. Couldn't make his breakfast. Couldn't take him for walks...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek13ox/how_many_of_you_have_ever_slept_with_your_best/
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Today I gave Charity $100

She thanked me with a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek0yxb/today_i_gave_charity_100/
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A guy was standing on the edge of Golden gate bridge...

... contemplating suicide. Out of nowhere comes out Santa and asks the guy:
Ho ho ho, whats the matter son?
Guy replies:
It's too much for me. This life isn't worth living for...
S:
Well, son, tell me what's wrong, I'm Santa i make wishes come true.
G:
Well, my wife is whoring around, won't cook, doesn't love me anymore. No point in living...
S:
Done, you're wife is gonna love you, gonna cook for you, everything is gonna be okay. Any other problems?
G: My son is going to fail highschool, doesn't study at all, does drugs, drinks, just a mess.
S: From tomorrow he is gonna start studying and stop indulging in drinking and drugs, all is well, ho ho ho.
G: Thanks Santa, is there something I can do to repay you?
S: You can suck Santa's dick.
So the guy starts sucking on Santa's dick, while he is sucking, Santa asks him:
Hey how old are you?
G: 50.
S: You fuck, you're 50 and still believe in Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek0w9x/a_guy_was_standing_on_the_edge_of_golden_gate/
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A Jewish guy is walking out of the synagogue...

A Jewish guy [David] is walking out of the synagogue when he sees his friend Shmuley reading the paper just outside.
As he gets closer he sees he's reading a Neo-Nazi newspaper. In anger, he slaps the paper out of Shmuley's hands and starts screaming.
**David:** "What are you Meshugenah? How could you read such filth?"
**Shmuley:** Just shrugs and responds "I read the Jewish newspapers every day and it's the same thing. This Jew got attacked or Israel under attack, and so on. It's depressing."
**David:** "Yeah? So? How does that explain this?"
**Shmuley:** "Well, have you picked up one of these papers? Jews control the media, Jews control the banks, Jews control the weather. It's a real confidence builder."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek0u4i/a_jewish_guy_is_walking_out_of_the_synagogue/
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I woke up this morning to a blowjob

From now on I'm never sleeping on benches with my mouth open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek0fq5/i_woke_up_this_morning_to_a_blowjob/
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{NSFW}She told me she wanted to see my children

So I nutted in her eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ek08c9/nsfwshe_told_me_she_wanted_to_see_my_children/
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Layoffs at the company

The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in. The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off." She replies "You better jack off, I've got a headache"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejzv5v/layoffs_at_the_company/
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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.

He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejzpf5/there_was_an_elderly_man_who_wanted_to_make_his/
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Tequila Bets

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 notes.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well.., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Maserati."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it
"Second -
There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.  You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third -
There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!  You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila
and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn’t make a face -- and he drinks
it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight --
then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says,
"Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejzpce/tequila_bets/
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How (not) to meet women at the beach

A young guy moved to the beach and is trying to meet women, but isn't having much luck. One day, the young guy is walking down the beach, and he passes an old guy, who is completely surrounded by young beautiful women in bikinis vying for his attention. The young guy scratches his head and keeps walking, but can't understand how that old guy is meeting so many women...
The next day, he takes a stroll on the beach again, and passes the same guy, who once again has many attractive young women with him. The next time he walks down the beach, he sees the old guy again, and he still has hot young women all around him. Finally, he decides that he has to know the old guy's secret, so he pulls the guy aside and asks, "How do you do it? How do you always attract so many hot young women?"
The old guy responds, "Tomorrow, when you head out to the beach, slip a potato inside your bathing suit!"
So the next day, the young guy slides a potato into his bathing suit and heads out for his daily beach walk. But today, all the women are actually moving farther and farther away from him! He finds the old guy again and says, "Hey, what's going on? I followed your advice, I put a potato in my bathing suit, and the women are practically running away from me!"
The old guy replies, "Try again tomorrow, but this time, put the potato in the front..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejznr1/how_not_to_meet_women_at_the_beach/
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An MTF transgender person comes out to her father.

Her dad says “I have no son!”
She thanks him for supporting her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejzj94/an_mtf_transgender_person_comes_out_to_her_father/
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One day, a man, upon returning from church carried his wife on his shoulder and started dancing and smiling.

His wife, surprised by his behavior, asked: "Honey, did the pastor preach today on how to be romantic ?"
The husband answered: "No, he said that we should carry our STRESS, BURDENS and SORROWS with joy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejz601/one_day_a_man_upon_returning_from_church_carried/
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A man was having premature ejaculation problems...

so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejz5mw/a_man_was_having_premature_ejaculation_problems/
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What does a magician wear under her shirt?

An abracada-bra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejz32y/what_does_a_magician_wear_under_her_shirt/
%
How do zombies eat healthier?

They switch to vegetarians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejywxq/how_do_zombies_eat_healthier/
%
why does KFC not have any toilet paper?

cause it’s finger lickin good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejyrl8/why_does_kfc_not_have_any_toilet_paper/
%
Why do we tell actors to "Break a leg"?

Because every play has a cast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejyepi/why_do_we_tell_actors_to_break_a_leg/
%
What does a baby pirate wear?

A diap-arrrrrrrr.
*Courtesy of my 4year old*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejycoo/what_does_a_baby_pirate_wear/
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I don't like my neighbor, so I stole his bell.

He got the No Bell prize for being a jerk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejy4lo/i_dont_like_my_neighbor_so_i_stole_his_bell/
%
Anyone else watch the instructional video on how to take a good dump?

Best shit I've ever seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejy4bo/anyone_else_watch_the_instructional_video_on_how/
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How can you tell if an Australian is asking a question?

You can’t?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejy45k/how_can_you_tell_if_an_australian_is_asking_a/
%
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, “Burger and chips, please.”

“Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?”
“Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejxqy0/some_bloke_walked_up_to_the_counter_and_said/
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What do you say to someone when they walk in on you while you’re on your gold-plated toilet?

Welcome to my humble commode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejxqfq/what_do_you_say_to_someone_when_they_walk_in_on/
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What's the weather got in common with me masturbating in a hotel?

We both come in Four Seasons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejxmv5/whats_the_weather_got_in_common_with_me/
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I endorse podiums

That’s a product I can stand behind!
-Norm Macdonald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejxjmi/i_endorse_podiums/
%
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejxc68/i_was_driving_home_the_other_day_when_suddenly_a/
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I asked the lion in my closet what it was doing there.

He told me it was Narnia business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejwx2f/i_asked_the_lion_in_my_closet_what_it_was_doing/
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Why did Karen press Alt-Ctrl-Del ?

Because she wanted to see the Task Manager

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejwjkd/why_did_karen_press_altctrldel/
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A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.

They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks:
"Oh my god, what is with your toes?!"
The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger"
They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable.
"Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!"
"Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger"
She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejwj0i/a_guy_picks_up_a_hooker_for_the_first_time/
%
"This dog in the park just snapped at one of our kids," yelled my wife over the phone. "The little shit!"

I said, "Well, at least he didn't get the nice one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejwi6r/this_dog_in_the_park_just_snapped_at_one_of_our/
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Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today?

Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejwghh/trump_siri_how_many_miles_did_i_ran_today/
%
What does a spy do when they go to bed?

They go under cover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejwerw/what_does_a_spy_do_when_they_go_to_bed/
%
For the first time in my life, I bought a lotto ticket, hoping for a Jackpot win of $70M.

In moments like this, I was taught to pray to St. Jude, and make a promise to donate some money to St. Jude's Children's Hospital.
I prayed as hard as I could, and I promised to donate $1,000,000 if I win the jackpot.
The next day I read the news. On the front page, it showed my neighbour holding up the cheque for $70M. "I overheard my neighbour praying to St. Jude and offering $1,000,000. So, I bought a ticket and prayed, offering $1,000,001."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejw1hv/for_the_first_time_in_my_life_i_bought_a_lotto/
%
Why was the capacitor in court?

It was charged with battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejvfyb/why_was_the_capacitor_in_court/
%
My New Years Resolution this year was to be more selfless, but I gave up after four days.

I realized that it isn’t for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejvfbo/my_new_years_resolution_this_year_was_to_be_more/
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[On a date] Her: What do you do?

Me: I post on r/jokes.
Her: No, I mean—how do you support yourself?
Me: I try to convince myself that they are funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejv9e6/on_a_date_her_what_do_you_do/
%
What do French people smoke

oui'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejuxvf/what_do_french_people_smoke/
%
I knew a guy in high school, he always told bad jokes so we called him the joke

anyway, one time at prom he was dancing near the table with bowls of different punches, all of the sudden he fell straight on his spine and scared everyone.
long story short the joke fell flat and he missed the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejuwzx/i_knew_a_guy_in_high_school_he_always_told_bad/
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A genie gave me one wish

And I said I wanted to have the power to text really fast
And he replied "be careful because with great power comes great response ability"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejuw09/a_genie_gave_me_one_wish/
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Renouned psychic medium Derek Acorah died this morning.

Family find no peace in his passing. He still wont fucking shut up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejutf8/renouned_psychic_medium_derek_acorah_died_this/
%
How are women and tornadoes the same?

First, there is a lot of sucking and blowing, then you lose your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejuqw2/how_are_women_and_tornadoes_the_same/
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Went to WW3 with the squad

And we got shot. I thought this was supposed to be a fake Wrestling competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejuq1p/went_to_ww3_with_the_squad/
%
I heard my son's first words today

"Dad where have you been?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejujbq/i_heard_my_sons_first_words_today/
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Wanna hear a joke about a Piece of Paper?

Well nevermind... it's tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejuif9/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_a_piece_of_paper/
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My New Year Resolution for 2020 is...

3840 x 2160

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejucta/my_new_year_resolution_for_2020_is/
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My kid's pediatrician cancelled my appointment because i was 5 minutes late

He has very little patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejtzm3/my_kids_pediatrician_cancelled_my_appointment/
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People say that Jesus died a virgin

I don't get it, didn't he get nailed in the end?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejtru0/people_say_that_jesus_died_a_virgin/
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With great power comes...

Great electricity bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejtnzh/with_great_power_comes/
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Tragic Accident

Three guys die in a car accident and go to heaven.
When they arrive, St. John says, "We have one rule in heaven: no stepping on the ducks!"
But it's nearly impossible to avoid stepping on ducks, as they are everywhere.  The first guy steps on a duck, and St. John comes running over and handcuffs the guy to an ugly woman.
"Your punishment for stepping on the ducks," uttered St. John, "is to be eternally chained to this ugly woman!"
After a while, the second guy steps on a duck, and once again St. John handcuffs an ugly woman to him.
After a few days, St. John comes over to the third guy with a beautiful model and handcuffs her to him.
"I don't know about you," she says, "but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejtk4l/tragic_accident/
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Trumps so good at making jobs

He even opened some up in Iran!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejtfdh/trumps_so_good_at_making_jobs/
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King Arthur was leaving on a noble mission to fight the barbarians

Before he left , he called his close friend,Sir Lancelot.
"My bride Guinevere is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am
leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the mission after a year ".
As he rode off , barely had he gotten a mile from home that he saw Sir Lancelot tearing after him on a horse , as he got closer he heard his friend saying
"Come back! you gave me the wrong key".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejtepc/king_arthur_was_leaving_on_a_noble_mission_to/
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A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my drowning dog

, after he climbed out he handed me my dog and said "Here is your dog, keep him dry and warm and he will be fine" I asked, "Are you a vet?".
He replied, "Vet? I am fucking soaking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejt6mf/a_german_tourist_jumped_in_the_freezing_water_to/
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A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, he didn’t have enough stamina to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first mile, but the tomato fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the race when he collapsed from exhaustion right in front of the finish line. Over the course of the next hour, the tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won.
Why was the tomato so successful?
The tomato paste himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejt027/a_broccoli_a_tomato_and_a_yam_were_running_in_a/
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Why was a man staring at a carton of orange juice?

Because it said concentrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejsxcz/why_was_a_man_staring_at_a_carton_of_orange_juice/
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DIVORCE

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejsvqo/divorce/
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What does Shaggy call Scooby when he’s too scared to go into the haunted house?

Scooby Don’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejsnc6/what_does_shaggy_call_scooby_when_hes_too_scared/
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Do you why there are no Walmats in Iraq?

Because there’s a target on every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejsmyz/do_you_why_there_are_no_walmats_in_iraq/
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Why is gambling illegal in China

Because they hate Tibet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejsg52/why_is_gambling_illegal_in_china/
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I work in McDonald’s and a customer was rude to me today, so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink.

*Just ice* was served.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejseu9/i_work_in_mcdonalds_and_a_customer_was_rude_to_me/
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Parents: Son, you’re adopted

Son: Woah I wonder who my real parents are.
Parents: WE are your real parents. Your NEW parents are on their way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejsbqh/parents_son_youre_adopted/
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What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess?

We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejsb87/what_did_the_librarian_say_when_the_books_were_in/
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Two men, Chlorine and Fluorine walk into a bar. The bartender greets them

Halo gens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejs9va/two_men_chlorine_and_fluorine_walk_into_a_bar_the/
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What i if told you...

You read the title wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejrw54/what_i_if_told_you/
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Girl at my workplace said that if I finished up before her, she'd let me come back to her place.

I'm proud to say, I finished before her twice today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejrs80/girl_at_my_workplace_said_that_if_i_finished_up/
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Wanna know how I escaped Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejrjkd/wanna_know_how_i_escaped_iraq/
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A melancholy-looking man walked into a bar wearing a backpack...

He sat down at the bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Meanwhile, he took a tiny man and a tiny grand piano out of his backpack. He set the man and the piano on the bar top, and the tiny man began to play.
“That’s incredible!” The bartender said, holding the man’s drink. “Where did you get that?”
The man at the bar pulled out a magic lamp from his backpack.
“This lamp contains a genie that will grant you one wish”, the man said. “Just rub it, and he’ll grant you whatever you want.”
The bartender snatched the lamp away from the man and promptly rubbed it. The lamp quivered and shook for a moment, and with an explosion of light, a genie appeared floating in mid-air.
“Greetings!”, the genie said. “I shall grant you one wish!”
“I wish for a million bucks!”, the bartender shouted.
“Coming right up!”
With another flash of light, the genie was gone.
Suddenly, a duck walked through the door of the bar, followed by another, and another, and another. Soon, the bar was full of a million ducks.
“This isn’t right!” the bartender exclaimed. “I asked for a million bucks!”
“Oh yeah,” said the man. “I forgot to mention that the genie has a hearing problem”.
“How do you know that?” the bartender asked.
The man replied, “Do you really think I asked for a nine-inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejrh9d/a_melancholylooking_man_walked_into_a_bar_wearing/
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What do you call a group of 7 Steves?

A Steven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejrffy/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_7_steves/
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A father buys a lie detector robot

It slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at the dinner table one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, “I did some schoolwork.” The robot slaps the son. The son says, “Okay okay, I was at a friends house watching a movie.” Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?” Son says, “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. Son says, “Okay okay, we were watching porn.” Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.” The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejr9fg/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot/
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A goat gets its wish granted by a genie

He wishes to be turned into a human being. After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie. He asks "How can I ever repay you?"
The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before; and care like no man has cared before. The man obliges.
He first sets out to find his "calling". Over the years, he works many jobs. He finds himself becoming depressed with the monotony that he has come to know. Finally, he decides to go back to his roots and do what he knows. He becomes a farmer. With the money he has accumulated from his many professions, he buys a large farm where he decides to take in unwanted and ill animals. Goats (obviously), pigs, cows, cats, dogs, and various other animals. He cares for them. He comes to know and understand them. He has a deep connection with them.
One day, a woman brings her dog to the man's farm. She is worried about the dog. She says ever since the dog's sibling died, he hasn't seemed right. The man agrees to take the dog and care for it. He knows the other animals will comfort it and the dog will enjoy his new family. The woman comes to visit the dog regularly. She becomes familiar with all of the other animals on the farm, and most of all, the man. They spend hours together each visit. Talking and taking care of the animals together. Hours turn to days. Days to weeks. The man asks the woman to live with him and his animals. The woman obliges. They are in love. They are truly happy.
The genie comes to the man one night in his dreams. The genie says to the man "You have lived like no other man; you have loved like no other man; and you have cared like no other man. You have done well".
The man wakes up the next morning and he doesn't feel well. He can't explain it, but somethings not right. Weeks go by and the man's condition seems to worsen. His doctors cannot explain his rapidly deteriorating health. The woman is always by his side when she's not caring for his animals. The woman's dog sleeps at the foot of his bed. Never leaving. At last, it seems like he cannot hold on for much longer. He's barely able to speak at this point. He motions for the woman to come near. He says to her "Do you want to know why I fell in love with you all those years ago? Do you want to know why I love you more and more every day?"
She says, "Yes, my love, tell me."
With his final breath, he tells her "Because you make me feel like a kid again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejr3kj/a_goat_gets_its_wish_granted_by_a_genie/
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My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances

I said: "There's the door"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejr201/my_girlfriend_threatened_to_leave_me_if_i_didnt/
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What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejqzvj/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
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My internet is slow but hopefully this posts quickly...HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Have a great 2019!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejqzno/my_internet_is_slow_but_hopefully_this_posts/
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"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.

Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejqvms/can_someone_give_an_example_of_things_that_are/
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What do ticks taste like?

Lyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejqg1q/what_do_ticks_taste_like/
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I tried to breed ferrets.

But my dick wouldn't fit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejqcv6/i_tried_to_breed_ferrets/
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A joke from my son: "where do horses change their clothes?"

The ranch dressing room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejq7ss/a_joke_from_my_son_where_do_horses_change_their/
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I named my horse "Mayo"

Sometimes Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejq6i3/i_named_my_horse_mayo/
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What do you call babies born in a whorehouse?

Brothel sprouts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejq2zg/what_do_you_call_babies_born_in_a_whorehouse/
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Why was the autocannibal so arrogant?

Because he was so full of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejpt4n/why_was_the_autocannibal_so_arrogant/
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An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of whiskey.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know four things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl with a club, I’m a 6-foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate and the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters: “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it four times…’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejpoiz/an_old_blind_cowboy_wanders_into_an_allgirl_biker/
%
The pope was recently tugged against his own will

Now he knows what it feels like to be an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejpbou/the_pope_was_recently_tugged_against_his_own_will/
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The Southern Grandma

-Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejp9gu/the_southern_grandma/
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I thought this was the funniest joke in elementary school

There are three kids named Shutup, Trouble, and Manners. Trouble goes missing, so Shutup and Manners go to the police station. Manners goes to the bathroom so Shutup goes to a police officer. The police officer says,
“What’s your name son.”
“Shutup”
“What!?”
“Shutup”
“Where’s your manners”
“In the bathroom”
“Are you looking for trouble”
“Yes”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejp6s8/i_thought_this_was_the_funniest_joke_in/
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What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

The golfer goes *whack* "damn". And the skydiver goes "damn" *whack*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejp1j9/whats_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
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"Start the year with a bang!"

America really did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejp1fl/start_the_year_with_a_bang/
%
"How did you dodge the draft?"

"Iran"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejp0fa/how_did_you_dodge_the_draft/
%
Trump and Epstein are at a bar.

So trump and Epstein are sitting at a bar talking when a regular walks in. The regular, Joe, walks up to the bartender and says "holy shit is that Trump and Epstein?!"
"Yep" says the bartender "go say hi they're real friendly"
Joe is like alright cool and walks over. "Hey president Trump! Hey Epstein! How's it goin!"
"Good" "good"
Joe -"Say, I thought you were dead?"
Epstein-  "Nice it worked! Just don't tell anyone you saw me! Ok? Now would you mind settling a bet for us?"
Joe - "I’d love to!"
Joe sits down
Epstein - "so trump and I have figured out how to solve all of our problems with Iran. All we have to do is kill 10,000 Iranians and one blonde with big tits."
Joe- "why do you have to kill a blonde with big tits?!"
Epstein to trump "See! I told you no one would give a shit about the 10,000 Iranians!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejoyzf/trump_and_epstein_are_at_a_bar/
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My Math Professor was 16 minutes late for his first class, 8 minutes late for his second, and 4 minutes late for his third.

At this rate, he’ll never be there in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejotg2/my_math_professor_was_16_minutes_late_for_his/
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Julius Caesar and Brutus Walk Into a Movie Theater

Brutus looks at Caesar and says "Caesar, we should watch the movie sequel with the scary clown in it!"
Caesar ponders what Brutus is saying for a moment. "It Two, Brute?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejos5a/julius_caesar_and_brutus_walk_into_a_movie_theater/
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Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.

I mean he just blew up overnight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejoq34/qassem_soleimani_is_so_popular_today/
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I got gas for $1.69 the other day

From taco bell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejom9h/i_got_gas_for_169_the_other_day/
%
A whales anus can stretch up to 1,000mm wide

Making it the second biggest arsehole in the world after Scott Morrison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejoblz/a_whales_anus_can_stretch_up_to_1000mm_wide/
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A guy starts choking on his food in a restaurant.

A doctor sees the man choking and springs into action. He runs across the restaurant, pulls the man out of his chair, pulls the man's pants down, and licks his butt. The man coughs hard, and the food is dislodged from his throat.
Grateful, he turns to doctor and says, "Thank God you knew the Hind Lick Maneuver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejo04g/a_guy_starts_choking_on_his_food_in_a_restaurant/
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Where did the practice of signing a piece of paper in exchange for services and goods start?

The Czech Republic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejo01x/where_did_the_practice_of_signing_a_piece_of/
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"What is the fastest thing you know?"

the interviewer asked to 4 candidates.
Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir , the Russian.
"Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed”.
He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, Turning on a LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to Wang, the Guy from China, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Wang replied.. "After hearing the 3 previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing is Diarrhea."
"What ?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats..
"Oh, I can explain sir." said Wang. “You see, the other day my tummy was feeling bad and so I run so fast to the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I already did it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejnxro/what_is_the_fastest_thing_you_know/
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I recently purchased a grandfather clock.

It's like a regular clock except sometimes it forgets the time and pisses itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejnt8y/i_recently_purchased_a_grandfather_clock/
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I wanted to get this joke out to the world

They drafted me for WWIII, but Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejnp7a/i_wanted_to_get_this_joke_out_to_the_world/
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A blonde was shopping at a department store when the power went out.

For 3 hours she was trapped on the escalator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejnlo7/a_blonde_was_shopping_at_a_department_store_when/
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What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut sleeps with everyone
A bitch sleeps with everyone except you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejnhgc/whats_the_difference_between_a_slut_and_a_bitch/
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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa

Claustrophobic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejncdv/what_do_you_call_people_who_are_afraid_of_santa/
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The band A Flock of Seagulls is not concerned with WWIII. They've stated that conflicts typically happen with neighboring countries.

And Iraaaaan...Iran's so far awaaaay....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejn7cr/the_band_a_flock_of_seagulls_is_not_concerned/
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The first sign of madness is talking to yourself

The second sign is replying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejn761/the_first_sign_of_madness_is_talking_to_yourself/
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Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.
Need answers fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejmf3l/did_you_know_that_if_you_put_your_testicle_on_the/
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A Man Worked at a Gardening Factory

At this gardening factory, at the back, there was a large pile of dirt. All the employees were told they could have as much of this dirt as they wanted or needed.
This specific man would take on wheelbarrow of dirt out of the factory each day. The security guard began to get suspicious, thinking that this man was hiding something in the dirt. On the 7th day of this, the guard confronted him. The man happily allowed the guard to search the wheelbarrow. This continued for years, the guard just absolutely *sure* this man was stealing something. Every day, he'd search the man's wheelbarrow, and every day, nothing.
After 20 years of working for this gardening company, the man retired. As he left for the final time, the guard made a final plea.
"Look man, I won't get you in trouble or anything, but If I don't know, it will haunt me forever. Please, tell me. What are you stealing?"
The man looked up at him and smiled before speaking a single word.
"Wheelbarrows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejma2z/a_man_worked_at_a_gardening_factory/
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In the 1980s, Gorbachev was adored by the West...

... But very much hated by his own people. All of Russia despised the man who caved in to the West and weakened the mighty Soviet Union. Many wanted to have his head, even his officials and the KGB.
One day at the Red Square, Gorbachev was giving a speech in front of the public. The KGB decided to use his open position and allow an assassin with a gun to enter past the metal detectors and checks to take a shot. They even ensured he was in the front row - merely 5 feet away from the big man himself.
He misses.
To keep up appearances the KGB arrest the man on the spot and lead him to the interrogation room.
The very first question they ask him is
"HOW DID YOU MISS?!? YOU WERE 5 FEET AWAY!"
"Well I am sorry! You try to take a clear shot when everyone around you is snatching your gun away and screaming - LET ME DO IT! LET ME!"
(translated from Russian)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejm8bh/in_the_1980s_gorbachev_was_adored_by_the_west/
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A German got pulled over by the Police in France.

Police Officer: Name?
German: Heinrich Klimt
Police officer: Age?
German: 32
Police Officer: Occupation?
German: No, no. Just visiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejm7vz/a_german_got_pulled_over_by_the_police_in_france/
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A man gets home early from work and catches his wife in bed with another man...

The husband challenges the other man to an old fashioned duel with his hand guns, whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other gets his wife. The other man agrees, so they go into another room so the wife doesn't have to see it. Once in the other room, the husband turns to the other man and says:
"Why should either of us have to die? We will both fire a shot into the air and lay on the ground as if we're dead, when she comes in she will see our 'lifeless' bodies and rush to one of us, whoever she chooses can have her." The other man agrees again, so they fire into the air and collapse.
The wife throws the door open and peers down at the two men, then backs out of the room and calls out: "Darling, you can come out! They're both dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejm7mr/a_man_gets_home_early_from_work_and_catches_his/
%
Two old guys chatting.

First guy said, I had a terrible sleep last night, I was tossing and turning all night long.
Second guy said, I slept like a baby, woke up, no hair, no teeth and I'd fucking shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejlwfv/two_old_guys_chatting/
%
What is the equivalent of 2,000 mocking birds?

2 kilomockingbirds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejlo41/what_is_the_equivalent_of_2000_mocking_birds/
%
You truly can never trust an atom...

They make up everything...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejlnhk/you_truly_can_never_trust_an_atom/
%
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok

Wookie mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejl64r/my_whole_life_i_thought_chewbacca_was_an_ewok/
%
What do we say to the god of procrastination?

Not today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejl623/what_do_we_say_to_the_god_of_procrastination/
%
Last night I broke up with my girlfriend and she said, “You’ll never find someone like me ever again.”

I thought, “If I didn’t want you, why would I want someone like you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejkwee/last_night_i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_and_she/
%
A Terrorist goes to a psychiatrist

the psychiatrist diagnosed him with being self-destructive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejktg1/a_terrorist_goes_to_a_psychiatrist/
%
A man is at his house when he hears a loud knock on his door

He looks out the window and sees a police officer so he opens up and says,
"hello officer, what can I do for you?" the officer says,
"I'm sorry sir, but you're under arrest for illegally downloading all of wikipedia," frantically, the man replies,
"Officer wait, I can explain everything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejktcg/a_man_is_at_his_house_when_he_hears_a_loud_knock/
%
A guy is looking for a job in the newspaper

He comes across an offer for $15/hr. at the local zoo. He goes in for an interview and says he'll take the job.
"You might want to listen to the stipulations first. Our ape just died and we need you to dress up like him and entertain the guests."  He agrees and they give him an outfit and put him in an enclosure with a lion and some monkeys.
As he's going around acting like an ape and getting a lot of attention from the crowd the lion sneaks up behind him. He takes a quick step away and says.
"Whoa I dont want the job that bad." The lion, looking defeated from being caught runs away. But soon enough, when the man's back is turned again the lion sneaks up on him again. This time he jumps back and starts to wave frantically to the zoo staff. "Alright let me outta here I don't want this job anymore!"
The lion says "Shut up idiot you'll get us both fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejkjml/a_guy_is_looking_for_a_job_in_the_newspaper/
%
My idiot friend almost blew his hand playing with fireworks on New Years. When the smoke cleared he was unscathed! Not a singe or burn on him! I ran over to him, mystified, and said...

What are you retardant?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejkfvl/my_idiot_friend_almost_blew_his_hand_playing_with/
%
A class was asked to write a concise essay containing 4 elements : religion, royalty,sex and mystery.

The only "A+"in the class read:
"My God," said the Queen," I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it ?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejk2x1/a_class_was_asked_to_write_a_concise_essay/
%
What did the cow say to the farmers wife when it was feeding time?

*Moo bitch, get out the hay*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejk11q/what_did_the_cow_say_to_the_farmers_wife_when_it/
%
Someone once asked me how I'd feel if I was a victim of Jack the Ripper.

I told them that I'd probably feel quite gutted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejjtwy/someone_once_asked_me_how_id_feel_if_i_was_a/
%
Tonight I'm going to have possum soup made from Himalayan possum...

... because I found Himalayan on the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejjpzn/tonight_im_going_to_have_possum_soup_made_from/
%
My idiot friend thought ketchup didn’t exist

So I told him to check his sauces

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejjgza/my_idiot_friend_thought_ketchup_didnt_exist/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejjeve/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
I have a friend from Prague who I play chess with.

He is my Czech mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejjajj/i_have_a_friend_from_prague_who_i_play_chess_with/
%
"How did you not get drafted into the war?"

"Heh." I chuckled.
"Iran."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejj99b/how_did_you_not_get_drafted_into_the_war/
%
There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."
But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejj5n7/there_is_a_horse_the_horse_says_i_dont_think_and/
%
Why do Catholics and Irish people always fail trigonometry?

Because the catholics are afraid of Sin and the Irish people can't Tan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejj0h8/why_do_catholics_and_irish_people_always_fail/
%
Why can't the Vatican accept Visa or Mastercard?

Because it's a Paypal state

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejizup/why_cant_the_vatican_accept_visa_or_mastercard/
%
I got pulled over by Cop today...

Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me: "Yeah. It's that short in my taillights. Everytime I turn they blink on and off."
Cop; "You gotta get that fixed. No one else's car on the road is doing that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejiztz/i_got_pulled_over_by_cop_today/
%
Dads are like boomerangs.

...I Hope...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejioco/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
I saw an oversized belt in the trash but otherwise it was perfect.

I thought, "what a waist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejikt4/i_saw_an_oversized_belt_in_the_trash_but/
%
When i realized who was in WW3

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejig0n/when_i_realized_who_was_in_ww3/
%
3 men were stranded in a jungle and were found by a local tribe, who took them in. The tribe leader told them they had 10 minutes to go find 10 fruits in the forest or they will die. They leave to gather fruits.

After 10 minutes, the first man comes back with 10 apples. The leader told him to shove them all up his ass without showing any emotion. He tries and gets the first one in, but he's really struggling. He tries to put the second one in, but shows pain and is shot to death by arrows.
The second man comes back with 10 grapes and is told to do the same thing. He finds it very easy and gets it done fairly quickly. He then gets to the 9th one until he burst out laughing, and is immediately shot to death.
The first man sees the second man in heaven and asked, "Why, why did you laugh, you were so close?"  The second man replied, "I was finding it pretty easy until I saw the third man coming with pineapples on his hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eji5bm/3_men_were_stranded_in_a_jungle_and_were_found_by/
%
Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that

two wrongs don’t make a right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejhzel/do_your_parents_even_realize_theyre_living_proof/
%
Some day you’ll go far

and I really hope you stay there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejhxfa/some_day_youll_go_far/
%
Killing 31,646 people would be the equivalent of planting 20 million trees.

Making hitler the biggest environmentalist ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejhqs4/killing_31646_people_would_be_the_equivalent_of/
%
Yesterday, I legally changed my name to "Void"

Today I'm headed to the bank to cash a load of blank checks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejhf7e/yesterday_i_legally_changed_my_name_to_void/
%
Given that we live in an era of equality, it is only fair that for every 100 men drafted for the war...

We shall draft 79 women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejh9gn/given_that_we_live_in_an_era_of_equality_it_is/
%
What starts with a T, ends with a T & has T inside?

Teapot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejg4hs/what_starts_with_a_t_ends_with_a_t_has_t_inside/
%
I'm a professional counterfeiter.

Look, I even have the documents to prove it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejfrv3/im_a_professional_counterfeiter/
%
I'm not worried about getting drafted in the 3rd World War

I'll just send them my resume and I won't hear back from them as is usual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejfaao/im_not_worried_about_getting_drafted_in_the_3rd/
%
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets...

“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy.
The boy just stood there looking up at his father.
The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets... it’s free.”
Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father.
Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son.
As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy.
The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejf5b5/a_little_boy_and_his_father_visited_the_country/
%
A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller

Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography!
Teller: Don’t you mean History?
Robber: Don’t change the subject!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejeu7j/a_robber_enters_a_bank_and_points_a_gun_at_the/
%
A man dosent know what happiness is until he is married

By then its too late

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejerjc/a_man_dosent_know_what_happiness_is_until_he_is/
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My new year's resolution is to upvote every joke that is OC

Right after I repost it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejelfq/my_new_years_resolution_is_to_upvote_every_joke/
%
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb ?

Is it one or two ? one...or two ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejec4r/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
There are two things that will never get old...

Dark humour and unvaccinated children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eje9rj/there_are_two_things_that_will_never_get_old/
%
I tossed a coin 15 times, and every single time it landed on tails.

I'm starting to think that it's not just a coin-cidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eje44r/i_tossed_a_coin_15_times_and_every_single_time_it/
%
All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary.

Well,  the joke is on them. Because so are they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eje36g/all_my_friends_jokingly_said_that_this_girl_i/
%
Guess who just stopped smoking?

Gen. Qassim Soleimani

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejdz7i/guess_who_just_stopped_smoking/
%
There are two reasons not to drink toilet water

\#1 and #2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejdx0b/there_are_two_reasons_not_to_drink_toilet_water/
%
I went on a positive thinking course today.

It was shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejdrcn/i_went_on_a_positive_thinking_course_today/
%
Yo Momma so ugly...

Yo Daddy takes her everywhere he goes, so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejdqdy/yo_momma_so_ugly/
%
A man woke up on a sunny day

He looked at his alarmclock, it said 7:07
When he walked downstairs he looked at his calander, it was the seventh day of the seventh month
As he arrived at the bus stop he took bus 7
On his walk from the second bus stop to his work he ordered a coffee and a donut from the nearby coffee shop. The total amount he had to pay was €7,77.
When he arrived at work he tought:'' that's strange, all those sevens, maybe the universe is trying to make something clear. After that he took a day off and went to the horse racing competition, he gambled all his money on horse #7, 'universal luck' was his name.
As the game started the man realized he made a big mistake.
The horse ended, ofcourse, 7th place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejdmpq/a_man_woke_up_on_a_sunny_day/
%
My neighbor calls me and says

Neighbor: "Your wife is too loud when she orgasms, I can hear her all the way to my house. You should do something about it"
Me: "Sorry to hear that, when I'll be back from my vacation I'll tell her to be more quiet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejdjxp/my_neighbor_calls_me_and_says/
%
Nowadays, comedians tell the news,

And, the media tells the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejd9tc/nowadays_comedians_tell_the_news/
%
What kind of a fish is made of only two sodium atoms

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejd8vu/what_kind_of_a_fish_is_made_of_only_two_sodium/
%
Why can't the aussie go on a "no cussing challenge?"

It's a part of his lifestyle, he cunt do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejd5v4/why_cant_the_aussie_go_on_a_no_cussing_challenge/
%
What was the name of the second man to ever parachute from a plane?

Hugo First

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejd5tn/what_was_the_name_of_the_second_man_to_ever/
%
If a Scottish person got just a little upset every time he was mistaken for his Gaelic neighbors...

...wouldn't that still make him ire-ish?
(This was my first joke I wrote a few years ago. It's bad, but I wanted to post it as a cake day commemoration. And then never tell it again :D)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejcswi/if_a_scottish_person_got_just_a_little_upset/
%
What is the national martial art of Israel?

Jew jitsu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejcsre/what_is_the_national_martial_art_of_israel/
%
If I owned a Delorean...

I would probably only drive it from time to time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejcr79/if_i_owned_a_delorean/
%
There lived a man who was green

Oh everything about him was green but everything around him is normal.
One evening, he came home from work and decided to take a shower. Then he heard his doorbell ring. The green man then grabbed a towel, wrap it around his waist and went to see who was at his front door.
The green man opened the door and was greeted by a delivery lady.
"Delivery for Mr. Green" she said, as she hands the green man a clipboard.
The green man then reaches out to get the clipboard and unknowingly drop his towel onto the ground.
The delivery lady, startled, ran across the road and was hit by a car.
Moral of the story: Do not cross the road while the green man is flashing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejcon3/there_lived_a_man_who_was_green/
%
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.

and then there’s you, without both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejc7a4/there_is_love_without_sex_and_there_is_sex/
%
What do you call a pile of cats?

A meow-ntain!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejc77l/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_cats/
%
Just got my hotel room upgraded for free.

Suite!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejc76x/just_got_my_hotel_room_upgraded_for_free/
%
My teacher said I'd never be any good at poetry because of my dyslexia

but so far I've made a vase and two jugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejbpzf/my_teacher_said_id_never_be_any_good_at_poetry/
%
A man got hit in the head with a can of cola.

He’s alright tho, it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejbmdn/a_man_got_hit_in_the_head_with_a_can_of_cola/
%
Its a boy!!

It was 9 years ago that my pal James came running out of the room shouting - "its a boy! its a boy!" with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejbb62/its_a_boy/
%
Tammy frowned at the man who had proposed to her.

"I'm sorry Jack," She said, "I just can't marry you."
"Why not?" He asked, "Is there someone else?"
"The frowned deepened, "Oh, Jack  . . . there must be."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejbakh/tammy_frowned_at_the_man_who_had_proposed_to_her/
%
I got a car for my wife.

Best trade deal I've ever gotten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejb3ix/i_got_a_car_for_my_wife/
%
Why can you not hear raspberries going to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejb1gq/why_can_you_not_hear_raspberries_going_to_the/
%
A Roman walks into a bar...

...shows two fingers and says "Five beers, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejaxza/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why is England the wettest country?

The queen has reigned there for years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejapab/why_is_england_the_wettest_country/
%
[At a wedding] Priest: Repeat after me...

Groom: After me.
Priest, to bride: Is he serious?
Bride: No, his name is Gary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejap3g/at_a_wedding_priest_repeat_after_me/
%
What shakes on the ocean floor?

A nervous wreck!
Ha ha, I’m shore that you sea what I did there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejantw/what_shakes_on_the_ocean_floor/
%
control tower: What are your coordinates?

**me:** I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
**control tower:** can you be more specific?
**me:** Mufasa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ejalzd/control_tower_what_are_your_coordinates/
%
What do you do with your sheets after a wet dream?

Another load.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eja1r7/what_do_you_do_with_your_sheets_after_a_wet_dream/
%
What does a gamer and a burn victim both say

I can’t wait to try out my new skin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej9zxx/what_does_a_gamer_and_a_burn_victim_both_say/
%
Why was the anti-vaxxer's 1 year old crying?

Midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej9u8c/why_was_the_antivaxxers_1_year_old_crying/
%
What would George Washington say if he were alive today?

LET ME OUT OF THIS #\*@&\^% BOX!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej9mvv/what_would_george_washington_say_if_he_were_alive/
%
What do you call an erect square?

An e-rectangle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej9ey3/what_do_you_call_an_erect_square/
%
A cattle farmer walks into a store

and asks the cashier "can I pay in meat", to which the cashier responds "as long as it's tender".
I'm really sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej9csd/a_cattle_farmer_walks_into_a_store/
%
yo mamma so ugly....

I swiped right on her on Tinder and matched

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej9bgh/yo_mamma_so_ugly/
%
I thought my girlfriend was a slut when she told me I was her thirty second lover.

And then I realized she was talking about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej9ai7/i_thought_my_girlfriend_was_a_slut_when_she_told/
%
Fishing and girlfriends are a lot alike

There may be plenty of fish  in the sea, but until I find one, I’m stuck here holding my rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej945i/fishing_and_girlfriends_are_a_lot_alike/
%
Have you heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect?

I read this online article about it, so I'm basically an expert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej92y1/have_you_heard_of_the_dunningkruger_effect/
%
They say about 70% of people masturbate in the shower and about 30% sing in the shower. Do you know what the most popular song is to sing in the shower?

You don't? Well I guess we know what you've been doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej8z9t/they_say_about_70_of_people_masturbate_in_the/
%
Why do all bakers marry their sisters?

Because they are in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej8xo4/why_do_all_bakers_marry_their_sisters/
%
What do you call an angle that’s gotten into a car crash?

A rectangle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej8wsn/what_do_you_call_an_angle_thats_gotten_into_a_car/
%
A man and his friend are playing golf at a local golf course one day.

The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next the the golf course. He suddenly stops mid-putt, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
His friend looks at him bewildered and says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man replies, “Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej8vob/a_man_and_his_friend_are_playing_golf_at_a_local/
%
You have to give it to the Chinese.

They somehow managed to make an entire language out of bad tattoos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej8ubk/you_have_to_give_it_to_the_chinese/
%
Why can’t you hear pterodactyls when they use the toilet?

Because they’re extinct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej8tiy/why_cant_you_hear_pterodactyls_when_they_use_the/
%
I’ve been dating this girl who works at the zoo.

I’m pretty sure she’s a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej8s0v/ive_been_dating_this_girl_who_works_at_the_zoo/
%
Electrician goes into coma after coming in contact with power lines.

“He should be fine,” say the doctors. “He’s just taking a power nap.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej8qg9/electrician_goes_into_coma_after_coming_in/
%
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej8o1l/to_kill_a_french_vampire_you_need_to_drive_a/
%
December 31st of this year will be Ramones day.

When 2020 has 24 hours to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej8k70/december_31st_of_this_year_will_be_ramones_day/
%
What inspires you to get out of bed every day?

My bladder mostly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej8k25/what_inspires_you_to_get_out_of_bed_every_day/
%
Son asks his Dad for five dollars so he can buy a guinea pig.

His Dad says, "heres ten now go find yourself a nice Irish girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej8hc5/son_asks_his_dad_for_five_dollars_so_he_can_buy_a/
%
It's pique not peak

If you're interested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej8fvy/its_pique_not_peak/
%
Flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

Dr. Seuss: *[starts to get up]*
**Mrs. Seuss:** sit the fuck down theo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej8avn/flight_attendant_is_there_a_doctor_onboard/
%
a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person's regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”

the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej82zx/a_guy_with_a_gun_bursts_into_a_bank_and_screams_a/
%
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?

He mustard up the courage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej7wen/how_did_the_hotdog_ask_the_ketchup_out/
%
My jokes are like clean water

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej7hht/my_jokes_are_like_clean_water/
%
A peasant goes to the lord of the land...

A peasant goes to the lord of the land and says
"My lord, if us peasants don't get any new livestock soon, we will be forced to revolt!"
The Lord replies
"We'll give out free roosters then!"
The peasant then asks
"How many roosters should each man get?"
The responds
"Meh, cock-a-dude'll do"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej7eru/a_peasant_goes_to_the_lord_of_the_land/
%
I tried to set up autopay for my hospital bill but I must have missed by one letter.

Instead I had my vital organs removed, toxicology tests, and a pathologist report on how I died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej78cm/i_tried_to_set_up_autopay_for_my_hospital_bill/
%
What do you call a friend that you masturbate with?

Masturmate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej72vp/what_do_you_call_a_friend_that_you_masturbate_with/
%
I went to the zoo and saw a loaf of rye in a cage.

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej6yry/i_went_to_the_zoo_and_saw_a_loaf_of_rye_in_a_cage/
%
An old Latvian anecdote

Part 1:
So a Latvian, Russian and Englishman are on a plane and as the plane is circling around the airport they are beginning to get a little nervous when the pilots voice suddenly sounds "the plane is too heavy to land we need to drop some weight or else we won't make it to the airport" and the hatch door is opened...
"Weary well" the Englishman says and throws out a fork "Why'd you throw that out?" the Russian asks and the Englishman responds "Oh, that, we have plenty of those where I come from" a few minutes pass but the captain informs them the plane is still too heavy,
next comes the Russian and throws a knife out "Why'd you throw that out?" the Latvian asks and the Russian responds "Oh, that, we have plenty of those where I come from" a few minutes pass but the captain informs them but the plane is still just a little bit too heavy,
next comes the Latvians turn so he throws the Russian out the hatch "WHY'D YOU THROW THAT OUT!?" the Englishman exclaims and the Latvian just looks at him for a moment and responds "Oh, that, we have plenty of those where I come from"
Part 2:
A kid playing behind a church suddenly runs in and excitedly tells a nun "Look! Look! A fork just fell from the sky!" "That is gods fork my child, he must have dropped it while he was eating ,now go back out and play",
a few minutes pass and again the kid runs it and excitedly grabs the nuns hand  and has her go to the window "Look! Look! A knife just fell from the sky!" the nun now thinking the kid is just making things up, after all what are the odds of a knife and a fork dropping in the same place, but decides to play along with him anyway "That is gods knife my child, he must have dropped it while he was eating, now go back out and play",
a few minutes pass and once more the kid excitedly runs in an excitedly tells the nun "Look! Look! God just jumped down to get his fork and knife!"
Not really the most funny thing ever but just a nostalgic anecdote from my childhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej6r9k/an_old_latvian_anecdote/
%
A hungover guy walks into a bar

and says "bartender just give me a water. I have to take it easy today. Last night I got so drunk I went home and blew chunks."   The bartender chuckles and says "Hey it happens to all of us." The man frowns and replies, "no, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej6qyi/a_hungover_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej6iza/to_kill_a_french_vampire_you_need_to_drive_a/
%
My gf broke up with me after I was kicked out of her church, but we still talk sometimes

I call it excommunication

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej6gks/my_gf_broke_up_with_me_after_i_was_kicked_out_of/
%
A joke I just remembered

Waiter: how did you find your meal sir?
Me: yeah it tastes good
Waiter: that's not what I meant and you know it
Me: another waiter told me where you hid it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej6c1i/a_joke_i_just_remembered/
%
I have the hardest time making it to funerals...

I've just never been a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej6be1/i_have_the_hardest_time_making_it_to_funerals/
%
I knew I shouldn't have taken my dog to the blacksmith

As soon as we got there, he made a bolt for the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej65yx/i_knew_i_shouldnt_have_taken_my_dog_to_the/
%
What kind of pasta is served at Forrest Gumps restaurant?

Penn-ay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej63io/what_kind_of_pasta_is_served_at_forrest_gumps/
%
What do you call a stranger’s penis through a glory hole?

An Anonymous Tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej5ugv/what_do_you_call_a_strangers_penis_through_a/
%
Millions surprised when they heard Julian Castro was dropping out of Presidential Race...

as they didn’t know he was actually running.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej5gvc/millions_surprised_when_they_heard_julian_castro/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile. Sorry if this has been posted before, I can’t remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej587v/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
A catholic priest asks his evangelic colleague to take care of the confessions while he is away on vacation and gives him a list with what "punishments" he should give the people according to their sins.

On the first day a man walks in to confess:
"Oh father forgibe me for I have sinned...I had anal sex..."
The evangelic priest checks his list but cannot find the punishment for anal sex on the list.
He asks one of the altar boys:
"hey, what does your priest give for having anal sex?"
The boy says:
" Sometimes a snickers or sometimes a mars..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej557g/a_catholic_priest_asks_his_evangelic_colleague_to/
%
A lot of people cry when cutting onions.

The key is to not form an emotional bond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej548g/a_lot_of_people_cry_when_cutting_onions/
%
So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej5411/so_aliens_from_mars_comes_down_to_earth/
%
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary...

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej5112/a_man_whod_just_died_is_delivered_to_a_local/
%
Humans only stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students."Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began,
"I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl."My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
Before he could say ‘fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej4ppi/humans_only_stutter/
%
I bought a dozen bees for a beehive, but when my order arrived, there was thirteen bees in the box. I called customer service and told them they gave me one bee too many.

The woman on the phone answered:
"Oh, that's just a freebie"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej4nf3/i_bought_a_dozen_bees_for_a_beehive_but_when_my/
%
I challenged the President of the United States to a contest, to see who was better musically.

I challenged him on strings, and he strung me along. I tried percussion, and he beat me senseless. I even attempted to best him on woodwind, but he just blew me away. Ready to give up, I gave my best attempt on brass...
...and he just couldn't Trump it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej3wqw/i_challenged_the_president_of_the_united_states/
%
Civil Engineer: Lets build a bridge!

Rude Engineer: Fuck you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej3vac/civil_engineer_lets_build_a_bridge/
%
What do goths wear to funerals?

Business casual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej3uv4/what_do_goths_wear_to_funerals/
%
A ship of orphaned children are sailing from Europe to America to find homes.

On the ship are a lawyer, a rabbi, and a catholic priest. As the children are asleep the ship hits an iceberg and begins to slowly sink. The rabbi, lawyer and priest all run up to the deck where the children are running around screaming.
The rabbi says, “Oy vey, we must save the children”
The lawyer says, “ Fuck the children”
The priest looks down at his watch and says,
“ Do you think we have time”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej3qwf/a_ship_of_orphaned_children_are_sailing_from/
%
Leading cause of Cancers

Is having sex in October.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej3np5/leading_cause_of_cancers/
%
Does anyone know what happened to the Tetris Movie?

All the pieces were in place, but it disappeared

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej3m6l/does_anyone_know_what_happened_to_the_tetris_movie/
%
My five year old son squealed with delight...

My five year old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it.
"Mom," I said. I'm surprised at you. "Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?"
My mom smiled and said, "Yes, I remember."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej3ebv/my_five_year_old_son_squealed_with_delight/
%
They say repetition is the key to success.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej3dwj/they_say_repetition_is_the_key_to_success/
%
Smoothie bar

A smoothie bar serving combined fruit and vegetable smoothies has been linked to bouts of depression and suicide.
Their ' Melon - Cauli ' smoothie has now been withdrawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej3cwf/smoothie_bar/
%
Genders are like the Twin towers.

Earlier there used to be two of them, now it's a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej39sc/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself
Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej37x3/me_slapping_my_older_brother_in_the_face_with_his/
%
A man walks into his house...

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej2xyr/a_man_walks_into_his_house/
%
Today I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions!

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej2d7a/today_i_scored_a_175_on_an_iq_test_with_just_3/
%
When i found out my toaster wasnt waterproof

I was shocked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej23pi/when_i_found_out_my_toaster_wasnt_waterproof/
%
Canada is a lot cooler than the United States

Especially during the winter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej20ag/canada_is_a_lot_cooler_than_the_united_states/
%
I give up drinking this year

Oops I mean: I give up, drinking this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej1rkn/i_give_up_drinking_this_year/
%
A survey said that people that sleep with their pets get less allergies and helps the immune system and they live longer.

Bullshit... I tried sleeping with my goldfish and nearly drowned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej12qd/a_survey_said_that_people_that_sleep_with_their/
%
Why is 69 afraid of 70?

Because they had a fight once and 71.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej11on/why_is_69_afraid_of_70/
%
My wife had some tattoos done on the cheeks of her ass.

She said to the tattooist I would like a butterfly on each cheek.
Tattooist says, sorry I can't do butterflies, I can do Bee's though.
So my wife said okay they are nice as well. She came home, dropped her pants turned round and got on all fours to show me.
I said "who the fuck is BOB?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej0p1v/my_wife_had_some_tattoos_done_on_the_cheeks_of/
%
There’s only 1 rule in learning English

1.) Their our know rules

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej0dwb/theres_only_1_rule_in_learning_english/
%
Having sex at regular intervals improves memory

Have a great 2016 guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej07i8/having_sex_at_regular_intervals_improves_memory/
%
(NSFW) The Tattoo

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "where the hell have you been?"
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred-dollar bill on my penis."
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred-dollar bill on your penis?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay home and blow a hundred bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ej0117/nsfw_the_tattoo/
%
Dear Expecting Mothers...

Please... I beg you. Look at what your child's name will be when spelled backwards.
Sincerely,
Marlana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eizslo/dear_expecting_mothers/
%
Guy gets deployed to Afghanistan. Three years later, he returns to his hometown for a welcome-home parade.

The morning of the parade he's looking for his good shoes and remembers he took them to the shoe repair store just before he left for his deployment. He finds the receipt and hurries off to the store.
"I'm here to pick up my shoes," he says and hands the clerk his receipt. The clerk studies it for long moment and hands the receipt back, saying, "They'll be ready Thursday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eizk4x/guy_gets_deployed_to_afghanistan_three_years/
%
I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles

She said 'hardback?'
So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eizic3/i_went_to_borders_and_asked_the_blonde_for_a_book/
%
I needed a password has to be eight characters long.

That's easy - I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eizgkv/i_needed_a_password_has_to_be_eight_characters/
%
My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday.

I wasn't expecting that on the postcard she sent me from Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eizczs/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
%
A guy meets a sex worker in a nightclub

She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely, totally anything you want for £100 as long as you can say it in three words.’
The guy thinks for a minute & replies, ‘Hey, why not?’
He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays 5x £20 on the bar, and says slowly.
‘Paint…....my….....house.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eizb2m/a_guy_meets_a_sex_worker_in_a_nightclub/
%
It's 2020 and I’ve been happily married for five years

Not too shabby as I got married 16 years ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiz7gn/its_2020_and_ive_been_happily_married_for_five/
%
My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card.

Seems that he’s a man after my own heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiz6eg/my_dad_has_suggested_that_i_register_for_a_donor/
%
Doctor's Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiz2ad/doctors_affair/
%
Went to the pier today and seen a lady with no arms and no legs propped up on a bench. She was crying her eyes out.

I walk up to her and said “What’s wrong?” She replies “I’ve never been hugged before.” I looked around and gave her a hug.  The next day I encounter the same woman, crying again on the pier. I ask her again, “What’s wrong now?”She says” I’ve never been kissed before.” So I kissed  her, but she starts crying even more. I said “What’s wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed.” This time she replies “Yea, but I’ve never been fucked before.” . So I picked her up by her sides, and threw her as far as I could into the ocean. I yelled  to her “Well, you’re fucked now!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiz1py/went_to_the_pier_today_and_seen_a_lady_with_no/
%
What’s worse? Banging your cousin or your niece?

It’s all relative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiytm1/whats_worse_banging_your_cousin_or_your_niece/
%
Did you hear about the Russian pyromaniac bartender at the Jewish wedding?

The specialty drink of the evening was the mazeltov cocktail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiyqlw/did_you_hear_about_the_russian_pyromaniac/
%
Got a call today and they told me I had won £250 or free tickets to an Elvis concert.

Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiyjl9/got_a_call_today_and_they_told_me_i_had_won_250/
%
The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:
"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"
The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting they hear the voice again:
"I bet one Finn can beat a hundred Soviets!"
The officer, now enraged, sends a hundred soldiers to silence this cocky Finn. A few minutes of shooting and screaming later, the voice shouts again:
"I bet one Finn can beat a thousand Soviets!"
The officer is now absolutely furious with this enemy, but knows that nobody could possibly beat 1000 soldiers alone, so he accepts the challenge once more and sends 1000 of his men. Nearly 15 minutes of shooting, screaming, and bright flashes later, a lone Soviet soldier comes crawling back over the hill with severe burns, covered in blood and half of his leg mangled. Panicked, he yells to his comrades:
"Don't go up there! It's a trap! There are actually two of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiydd7/the_year_is_1939_and_the_ussr_is_invading_finland/
%
What type of women do firefighters get?

Hose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiy8wn/what_type_of_women_do_firefighters_get/
%
50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every year, James told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.
On their 46th trip to the state Fair James asked to go on the helicopter flight, and Lucille told him that 50 dollars was still 50 dollars.
The helicopter pilot heard their conversation and felt a bit sorry for James. He approached them and told them that he would give them both a ride for free if neither one said a word for the whole flight. If either one said a single word he would charge them the 50 dollars. James and Lucille agree.
The pilot takes off and climbs as fast as he can and immediately goes into a dive, but he doesn't hear a word from the couple. He flies in circles, climbs and dives, zigs, zags, and everything in between. The couple never say a word. Finally he lands the helicopter.
Over the head set he says "I'm really impressed. I did every thing I could to get a reaction from you two."
James says "well, I almost told you to stop when Lucille fell out, but hey, 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiy3dx/50_dollars_is_50_dollars/
%
Yo Daddy so dumb....

He downloaded Tinder to buy firewood
And Grindr for the woodchipper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eixdpu/yo_daddy_so_dumb/
%
In LOTR, you always have to make reservations at the restaurant.

Because one does not simply walk in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eixdop/in_lotr_you_always_have_to_make_reservations_at/
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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at  all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:
"Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple  of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.  I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eixapr/sex_after_death/
%
I hate Russian dolls

They're so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eix15r/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
Why kind of women do Australian Firefighters get?

Hose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiwvdu/why_kind_of_women_do_australian_firefighters_get/
%
Why did the blind guy not go to the orgy?

He had no idea who would be coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiwpcw/why_did_the_blind_guy_not_go_to_the_orgy/
%
Got a can of coke for my girlfriend

Best trade ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiwnj6/got_a_can_of_coke_for_my_girlfriend/
%
I caught my mate drinking brake fluid the other day

He Says he can stop any time he wants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiwfqp/i_caught_my_mate_drinking_brake_fluid_the_other/
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2 for 1

What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs?
Sparky.
What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back or front legs?
Nothing. Why bother? He's never gonna come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiw86c/2_for_1/
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A man was on a business trip in Paris

He goes to well known brothel and has the best time of his life. He goes out after, lights a cigarette and after a while he spits on the pavement.
A policeman passing by sees him spitting so he stops and tells him: 'You can't do this here, you are in Paris. I am sorry but you have to pay a 50€ fine.'
When he gets home his wife greetes him and asks him: 'How was the trip? Did you enjoy it? Have you ever thought about me?'
'Yeah, once, it cost me 50€'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiw5fg/a_man_was_on_a_business_trip_in_paris/
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What is a fleet of helicopters called?

Hellacopters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eivyhj/what_is_a_fleet_of_helicopters_called/
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I hate how the world is so PC nowadays...

You can't even say black paint anymore. You have to say, "Jamal would you kindly paint my fence for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eivswg/i_hate_how_the_world_is_so_pc_nowadays/
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i never thought trump would actually be impeached...

...i thought republicans insisted on carrying a baby to full term

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eivstz/i_never_thought_trump_would_actually_be_impeached/
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The Kraken: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease .

Landlord : Re-lease the Kraken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eivsk5/the_kraken_yes_id_like_to_renew_my_lease/
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2020 started with a WTF

(Wednesday, Thursday, Friday)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiviyq/2020_started_with_a_wtf/
%
Chemically speaking,

Alcohol is a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eivhdp/chemically_speaking/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes a-parent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eivfmg/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze

Once n the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.
Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free'.
"What the hell, Ray?, Now we don't have any money".
"Don't worry, we'll go to the bar,order some drinks and when the bartender asks us to pay the tab, you stand up, unzip your fly, pull out the sausage and I'll start sucking on it".
The two walk to the nearest bar, sit down and order two beers and two shots of whiskey. They down the drinks and order another round, drink those and order another. After the third round the bartender asks them to pay up. With that, Fred stands up, unzips his fly and Ray leaned over and proceeded to suck sausage.
"What the fuck are you doing? Get the hell out of my bar!" says the bartender, the two run out laughing.
"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent," says Fred. "Let's do it again!"
So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night.
At the end of the night, after about the 12th bar, Ray says, "Man, I'm starving. All that beer made me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it."
"Sausage?" says Fred. "hell, I ate that four bars ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eivc2q/fred_and_ray_go_to_the_liquor_store_to_buy_a/
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My girlfriend is the square root of -100

She's a perfect 10, but imaginary.
Our relationship is complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eivbub/my_girlfriend_is_the_square_root_of_100/
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What's the difference between a brown family and a white family?

On an average the brown parents have 4 kids while the white kids have 4 parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eivblg/whats_the_difference_between_a_brown_family_and_a/
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What do you call a factory that sells good products ?

A satisfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiv7uq/what_do_you_call_a_factory_that_sells_good/
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In the Catholic Church, the pope is elected for life.

Putin has met with 3 of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiv6gc/in_the_catholic_church_the_pope_is_elected_for/
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A man and woman step onto an elevator

after the doors close, the man leans into the woman and asks "can I smell your vagina?" shocked, the woman screams "No, you cannot" "Oh" the man replies, "then it must be your feet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiv5w7/a_man_and_woman_step_onto_an_elevator/
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What do Tibetans use to move their alpacas around?

Dolly Llamas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiv3rs/what_do_tibetans_use_to_move_their_alpacas_around/
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Two Frenchmen are going for a walk one day, when they happen upon a swimming pool filled entirely to the brim with loaves of bread.

The first, who happens to be a baker, exclaims "Mon amie, what a beautiful sight! I'm going to dive into this pool."
The second says "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. If you hit the bottom, you're going to be in a lot of pain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiv1z5/two_frenchmen_are_going_for_a_walk_one_day_when/
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What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant babysitter?

Can’t unscrew the babysitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiv1pw/whats_the_difference_between_a_lightbulb_and_a/
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What kind of STD's do fish get?

Merm-aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiux84/what_kind_of_stds_do_fish_get/
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After wastin g money this christmas on a new 4K TV

I have a new year's resolution
it's  3840 x 2160.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiuldh/after_wastin_g_money_this_christmas_on_a_new_4k_tv/
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You can't run through a camp, you can only ran..

Because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiuint/you_cant_run_through_a_camp_you_can_only_ran/
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Everyone told Beethoven he'd never be a musician because he was deaf

But did he listen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiuhef/everyone_told_beethoven_hed_never_be_a_musician/
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Why was 2019 scared of 2020?

Because they got into a fight and 2021

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiu9er/why_was_2019_scared_of_2020/
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Just got banned from the hardware store...

Some dickhead in an apron came up to me and asked if I needed decking. Lucky I got the first punch in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiu8kg/just_got_banned_from_the_hardware_store/
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I love making puns about ‘The Sound of Music’

It's really my ideal vice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eitugq/i_love_making_puns_about_the_sound_of_music/
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I can swing both ways

When I'm open, you can come in the rear.
If you bang me too much, I could start to sag
When you grab my big knocker, you get attention
if you fondle my knob, I might let you enter me
\-am a door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eitmrj/i_can_swing_both_ways/
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How do you make guacamoole?

You mash up some avocowdo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eitj7j/how_do_you_make_guacamoole/
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Pay attention

First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy  class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table  with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back  the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and  stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told  his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow  and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and  spitting.
When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the  Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is  observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.  Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if  you're stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eit54d/pay_attention/
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I like my steak like winning an argument with my wife.

Rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eit4jk/i_like_my_steak_like_winning_an_argument_with_my/
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A professional limbo player walks into a bar,

He was disqualified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eit1r6/a_professional_limbo_player_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you get when you cross a human being with a horrendous reality?

Suffering. You get suffering.
This isn't a joke, if you procreate you are gambling with someone else's wellbeing .
It doesn't matter how happy you may be, immense suffering exists.
Procreation inherently imposes a possibility of it occuring to the offspring, and it's beyond your control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eit1nf/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_human_being_with/
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Celebrity Race-car Driver Lewis Hamilton Walk into a country golf club in England

He sees the woman on reception and enquires about joining the club.
Looking slightly disappoint, the woman at the desk tells Lewis that unfortunately the club has a very old rule which states only white people can become members.
She apologises for the out of date rule but says that it will not be changed for anyone any time soon.
She continues to tell Lewis that there’s another country club about a thirty minute drive down the road, which will take all kinds of people.
Lewis looks angry and say “But I’m Lewis Hamilton!”
To which the woman apologies and says “ten minutes drive then.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eit0ta/celebrity_racecar_driver_lewis_hamilton_walk_into/
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Four Moles Are Burrowing Under A Bakery

As they get closer to the surface, the first mole in the line sniffs deeply and says, "Mmmmm, I smell cookies!"
They dig a big further, and the second mole raises his noise and says, "Wow, I smell cake!"
The dig goes on another few minutes, and the third mole finally smells something and says, "I smell frosting!"
The mole in the back is growing discouraged, and exclaims, "All I smell is mole asses!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiswf7/four_moles_are_burrowing_under_a_bakery/
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Dead crows

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near Boston and there was concern that they died from Avian Flu. A bird pathologists examined and confirmed that the crows did not die from Avian flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
During greater analysis, it was noted that from the varying colors of paint on the crows, it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only 2% by cars. Several animal behaviorists were hired to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly found the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The conclusion was that when cars were coming, the lookout crow would say "CAH, CAH" none could say "Truck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eisvwy/dead_crows/
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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.

Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.
Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.
Now it's your turn to speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eistlo/a_boob_a_vagina_and_an_asshole_are_debating_as_to/
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Why did the Shaolin monk go to the doctor?

He had kung-flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eispvi/why_did_the_shaolin_monk_go_to_the_doctor/
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What’s it called when a Peeping Tom is skilled in his game?

Peak Performance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eisobz/whats_it_called_when_a_peeping_tom_is_skilled_in/
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My internet went out for a few minutes on new years..

Met my family downstairs. They seem like nice people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eisdm6/my_internet_went_out_for_a_few_minutes_on_new/
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I must've eaten raw chicken when I named my kids

Because I ended up with Sam and Ella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eis8yi/i_mustve_eaten_raw_chicken_when_i_named_my_kids/
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If you enjoy 2020

Don’t worry because 2022 will be 2020 too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eis3w1/if_you_enjoy_2020/
%
My friend drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreathe in the shape of a life belt

It’s what he would have wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eirzw8/my_friend_drowned_so_at_the_funeral_we_got_him_a/
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A study suggests Tinder is not very helpful finding a sexual partner...

Were scientists the ones who conducted the study because that would explain a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eirsc4/a_study_suggests_tinder_is_not_very_helpful/
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I started a support group for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a flop and nobody came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eirok0/i_started_a_support_group_for_men_with_erectile/
%
Why is Mexico so bad in the olympics?

Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already in the USA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eircjf/why_is_mexico_so_bad_in_the_olympics/
%
Someone stole my toilet

the police have nothing to go on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eirbiy/someone_stole_my_toilet/
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What did the Mexican fireman call his two sons?

Jose
And Hose B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eir01t/what_did_the_mexican_fireman_call_his_two_sons/
%
When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be

"You guys want to see a dead body?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiqqag/when_i_am_on_my_death_bed_surrounded_by_my/
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My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”

So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiqp5u/my_wife_saw_an_ant_picking_up_a_leaf_5_times_its/
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I started reading 'Lord of Rings' for the new year. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained his youth, energy, and joy in life...

Turns out the one ring, is a wedding ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiqp24/i_started_reading_lord_of_rings_for_the_new_year/
%
If I was an injured cat,

Me: Ow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiqoau/if_i_was_an_injured_cat/
%
Warning: NSFW

Standing on office chairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiqnqd/warning_nsfw/
%
Am elderly gentleman with hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids.

After a month he goes back for a checkup and the doctor asks him how things are going now that he can hear everything and if his friends and family have said anything.
The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will five times already!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiqmme/am_elderly_gentleman_with_hearing_problems_goes/
%
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Every day I'm thankful that I live in Scotland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiqlwg/call_me_a_racist_if_you_want_but_south_of_the/
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Coworker: Why do you call everyone 'fucker'?

It's gender neutral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiqjfr/coworker_why_do_you_call_everyone_fucker/
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What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tire and call it a ‘Good Year’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiqg7k/what_do_you_do_with_365_used_condoms/
%
A boy was born without a body

, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiqdvm/a_boy_was_born_without_a_body/
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Why is the dark side of the moon dry?

Because the other side has all the moonshine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiqdcb/why_is_the_dark_side_of_the_moon_dry/
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A farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus. 'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm  fine I'm  fine?' asked the lawyer.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit  cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said ,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her  down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you  feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock would you say?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiqcx9/a_farmer_named_angus_had_a_car_accident_he_was/
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My son

My 5 year old son said he wanted a treehouse in the back garden...
...20 years growing a tree and now he doesn't want it anymore...ungrateful bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiq3ka/my_son/
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A man had spent all day drinking in a bar

By 10 at night he was incredibly drunk but still wanted more. However, he had run out of money.
"I've got to have another drink," he told the bartender. "Can't  you give me one on credit?"
"You know the rules," replied the bartender. "No credit. But I'll tell you what I'll do. It's a quiet night here and I want to have a bit of fun so I'll give you another drink if you do three things."
"Sure," said the drunk. Anything you want. Just name it."
"Okay", said the bartender, "First I want you to go up to that big doorman and knock him out cold. Then I want you to pull a loose tooth belonging to Satan, the pit bull in the back room. And finally, I want you to have sex with the town's sleaziest woman, who is sitting over there alone, at the end of the bar."
"No problem", said the drunk, getting up from his stool. He staggered over to the doorman, and, taking him by surprise, knocked him out with a single punch. Then he headed over to the backroom where the pitbull was waiting.
The bartender waited to hear the commotion. Any second, he expected the drunk to rush out, hotly pursued by Satan. Instead there was silence. Then after a few minutes the dog started whimpering.
Five minutes later, the drunk emerged with a big grin on his face.
"Right," he said, "now where's the woman with the loose tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eipvg3/a_man_had_spent_all_day_drinking_in_a_bar/
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What your Girlfriend and Santa Claus have in common?

You want them to come. But do they?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiptmq/what_your_girlfriend_and_santa_claus_have_in/
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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eips4p/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all_in_the/
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Socrates the philosopher . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eipm0c/socrates_the_philosopher/
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I work at a bank and an old lady asks me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eipjl4/i_work_at_a_bank_and_an_old_lady_asks_me_to_check/
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Engineer, of course

Two engineers were good friends and one afternoon one engineer rode up to the other on a brand new bike. The second engineer said “WOW!  What a great bike.  Where’d you get it?”  The first engineer said, “You won’t believe me. This beautiful young woman came riding up to me, laid the bike down, took her clothes off and said, “Take what you want.”   The second engineer said, “You made the right decision ‘cause the clothes probably wouldn’t fit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eipfgf/engineer_of_course/
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I met a girl with 12 nipples today...

Sounds fun, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eipdqb/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples_today/
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Where do you get the bubonic plague?

The flea market

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eip94x/where_do_you_get_the_bubonic_plague/
%
What concert costs 45 cents

**50 cent feat. nickelback**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eip8iu/what_concert_costs_45_cents/
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What do hobos and activists have in common?

They're both fighting for change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eioxjr/what_do_hobos_and_activists_have_in_common/
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I heard Scotland wants another independence referendum.

I guess we’ll get away with leaving the EU scot-free after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eioib7/i_heard_scotland_wants_another_independence/
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To the man in the wheel chair that stole my camouflage jacket....

You can hide, but you can't run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eio02x/to_the_man_in_the_wheel_chair_that_stole_my/
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sex

you may laugh now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/einzkd/sex/
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They say you are what you eat.

Well, today I bought some ready to eat chicken, and sure enough, when I got home I was ready to eat chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/einssa/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
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Sometimes I tell Dad Jokes

Sometimes he laughs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/einnm7/sometimes_i_tell_dad_jokes/
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(OC) An American chemist, a German chemist, and a French chemist are hanging out on a beach.

“Americium is the best element” brags the American chemist, “it’s used in smoke detectors and saves lives.”
“No way, germanium is way more awesome.” counters the German chemist, “without it, most electronic devices wouldn’t ever work.”
“Watch this, amateurs!” Says the French chemist, holding some francium as he runs for the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/einmge/oc_an_american_chemist_a_german_chemist_and_a/
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Where do bees urinate?

The BP station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/einlgh/where_do_bees_urinate/
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Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/einj5y/before_my_surgery_my_anaesthetist_offered_to/
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Just opened a Sandwich & Pancakes restaurant!

I named it “Not all Heroes, We’re Crepes”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/einaw4/just_opened_a_sandwich_pancakes_restaurant/
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Epistemophobia.

...Don't tell me what it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ein7ru/epistemophobia/
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What were Anakin and Padme watching on their wedding night?

The rise of Skywalker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ein65i/what_were_anakin_and_padme_watching_on_their/
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What do you call a fast food chain run by slaves?

Three Guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eimw3t/what_do_you_call_a_fast_food_chain_run_by_slaves/
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dad joke

what are you if you put a picture of yourself in a locket
independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eims0g/dad_joke/
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You can say what you like about paedophiles...

… at least they know how to appreciate the little things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eimr9g/you_can_say_what_you_like_about_paedophiles/
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Just got a letter from my doctor, apparently I have sex daily

Oh wait, it's dyslexia. Never mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eimney/just_got_a_letter_from_my_doctor_apparently_i/
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I just bought a book on spotting scams.

I paid $999 for it, so it must be good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eimndu/i_just_bought_a_book_on_spotting_scams/
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I think it’s gonna Tekashi69’s year

It’s the Chinese year of the rat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eimkqt/i_think_its_gonna_tekashi69s_year/
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My ex wife just texted me, "Wish you were here"

She does this everytime she passes by a cemetery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eimjun/my_ex_wife_just_texted_me_wish_you_were_here/
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Did you hear about the Egyptian who refused to accept he was drowning?

He was in denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eimhd1/did_you_hear_about_the_egyptian_who_refused_to/
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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eimfxr/call_me_a_racist_if_you_want_but_south_of_the/
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Jack slammed the door and threw his clubs down.

“What’s wrong?” asked his wife.
Jack replied, “I still have a perfect swing at 80 years old, but my eyes are so bad I can’t see where the ball went!”
“Oh dear, but you love to golf. Take Arnold next time.”
“Arnold is 102!”
“Yes, but he has 20/20 vision.”
Jack reluctantly agrees. The next time at the course, he swings and Arnold watches the ball soar. Jack asks if Arnold saw where the ball landed.
Arnold grins and gives an enthusiastic thumbs up.
Jack exclaims, “Yes! Where did it go?”
“I forgot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eimbbp/jack_slammed_the_door_and_threw_his_clubs_down/
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Congratulations America

Zero school shootings so far this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eim8au/congratulations_america/
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Why did I regret sharing my umbrella with a girl on a rainy day?

Because it takes the grand total of women i made wet to -1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eim76k/why_did_i_regret_sharing_my_umbrella_with_a_girl/
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As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby,

But let me give it a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eilw6p/as_a_doctor_i_never_make_a_joke_about_an/
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Me: Doctor - I'm terrified of the vertical axis

Dr.: Why?
Me: \*SCREAMS\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eilv84/me_doctor_im_terrified_of_the_vertical_axis/
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I made a vinyl disc with grooves in 2 minutes.

I think that’s a record.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eilsyb/i_made_a_vinyl_disc_with_grooves_in_2_minutes/
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My optometrist told me I have bad vision

I don't see the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eilkql/my_optometrist_told_me_i_have_bad_vision/
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My boyfriend broke up with me today

When I said I wanted to lose 150 lb this year, I didn't mean it like this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eilizc/my_boyfriend_broke_up_with_me_today/
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Earlier, I was wondering why my boomerang hadn't come back after I threw it.

And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiksq0/earlier_i_was_wondering_why_my_boomerang_hadnt/
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What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.
I don't know where I got this from, but I think it's funny so I'll just post it here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eikrbl/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
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Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're very good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eikimx/why_do_you_never_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
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I once made a belt of watches

It was a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eikg4o/i_once_made_a_belt_of_watches/
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Growing up my Dad told me to never go to strip clubs. He said they are raunchy and I will see things I can't unsee that will haunt me for life.

At 18, I went to a strip club anyway and he was right. I saw my Dad in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eikfti/growing_up_my_dad_told_me_to_never_go_to_strip/
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My doctor told me my diarrhea is hereditary.

Runs in the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eikehw/my_doctor_told_me_my_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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After all that shit I'm surprised they are back together

Friend: who
Me: my ass cheeks
I know it's a shit post

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eik9v8/after_all_that_shit_im_surprised_they_are_back/
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Shoutout to Hitler’s speech proofreader

The original Grammar Nazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eik4qh/shoutout_to_hitlers_speech_proofreader/
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How do you make a dog drink?

Put him in a blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eijzfc/how_do_you_make_a_dog_drink/
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The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.    Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her"
The man said, "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes," I tried, but I cant kill my wife."
The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife home.
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks he said. I had to strangle that bitch to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eijq3m/the_fbi_had_an_open_position_for_an_assassin/
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If youre scared of dying alone

then become a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eijp0t/if_youre_scared_of_dying_alone/
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My kids got me a stud finder for Christmas

When I held it up to myself, nothing happened.  But it did find the naked man in my wife's closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eijny1/my_kids_got_me_a_stud_finder_for_christmas/
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I went bald early in life and I have a comb...

I just can't part with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eijg8y/i_went_bald_early_in_life_and_i_have_a_comb/
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What do you call a cowboy's outfit?

Ranch dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eijg3c/what_do_you_call_a_cowboys_outfit/
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Since it's New Years, I can say I haven't showered in a year!

Actually it's probably been about a year and a half

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eijdd8/since_its_new_years_i_can_say_i_havent_showered/
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Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.

Happy New Year 2016 everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eijct4/having_sex_on_regular_basis_keeps_your_memory/
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Got an ice cream for my girlfriend

Best trade i ever made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eijcbk/got_an_ice_cream_for_my_girlfriend/
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A cucumber a pickle and a penis meet in a bar.....

The cucumber says “my life sucks. Whenever I get big and fat, someone cuts me up and eats me.”
The pickle says “you think that’s bad; whenever I get big and fat someone throws vinegar and salt on me and traps me in a jar.”
The penis shudders. “Whenever I get big and fat they throw a rubber helmet on me, put me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eij62z/a_cucumber_a_pickle_and_a_penis_meet_in_a_bar/
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Why do dads always take pictures?

Cause they are your paparazzi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eij2if/why_do_dads_always_take_pictures/
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Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiiztg/why_does_santa_have_such_a_big_sack/
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Why was the snowman so happy?

Because the snow blower was coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiitz3/why_was_the_snowman_so_happy/
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A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2020. You can use any printer you want".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiin5b/a_black_guy_in_an_library_asked_me_where_the/
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HUSBAND: I hate to say this, but your swimming costume is quite tight and revealing.

WIFE: Well, wear your own one then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiikec/husband_i_hate_to_say_this_but_your_swimming/
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Michael Jackson and Darth Vader!

Neither wanted to remain on the Dark Side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiigyl/michael_jackson_and_darth_vader/
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I got fired at the calendar factory today

It isn't fair either, all I did was I took a few days off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiiey5/i_got_fired_at_the_calendar_factory_today/
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A guy is sitting on a plane next to a beautiful girl

Lookong for an excuse to talk to her, he turns to her and says "Wow your perfume smells amazing! Could you please tell me what brand it is so that I can gift it to my sister?"
The woman turns to him and says "Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. Some idiot might find an excuse to talk to her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiievz/a_guy_is_sitting_on_a_plane_next_to_a_beautiful/
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“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”

Dad: That’s a D, idiot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiic2s/dad_im_so_excited_i_got_a_b_in_reading/
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Joe’s Headaches

Joe is being plagued by terrible headaches.One day,after years of suffering,he decides to see a headache specialist.
The doctor tells Joe to strip ,inspects him all over and announces that he has found the cause of the headaches.”Your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine” says the doctor “The pressure builds up and you get an excruciating headache”.
Joe is appalled.”Is there anything I can do about it?”He asks.”
“I’m afraid I have bad news.I have to get rid of the testicles”answers the doctor.
Joe considers the pros and cons of a life without  balls and sex.But then he thinks about the agony of his daily headaches and goes for the snip
He comes round from the operation and leaves the hospital.Walking down the street he smiles as he realises that his headaches are gone.To celebrate,He decides to treat himself to some new clothes.
He makes his way to a top tailors.Inside the tailor’s he asks to see a pair of pants.The tailor looks at Joe and says”You’ll need a 36 inch waist,33 inch inside leg.” Joe is amazed at the accuracy of the tailor and he asks for a shirt”That’ll be a 42 inch chest and a 16 inch neck.”The tailor says.Joe is once again stunned by his accuracy.Finally all that is left to buy is a pair of underpants.”36?” asks the tailor.
“No sorry I’m a 34 “says”Joe”I have worn a 34 since I was 18.”
This is not possible” frowns the tailor”If a man of your size wore a size 34,the underwear would press his testicles into the base of his spine causing the most horrific headaches”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eii16e/joes_headaches/
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How often do scientists like to joke about elements?

Periodically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eihu8m/how_often_do_scientists_like_to_joke_about/
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What's it called when you marry a shoemaker?

Marrying your sole-mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eihtz4/whats_it_called_when_you_marry_a_shoemaker/
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If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture

You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eihqqt/if_anyone_says_you_have_to_work_365_days_in_2020/
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Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the steakhouse market?

It was a big McSteak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eihn5v/did_you_hear_about_mcdonalds_trying_to_get_into/
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Parents be like:

"When we were your age, we finished our decade in 5 years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eihkyo/parents_be_like/
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I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying.It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eihdgv/i_have_an_epipen/
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Why do orphan's go to church?

Cause they have someone to call Father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eih5gp/why_do_orphans_go_to_church/
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E-flat walks into a bar

Bartender says" sorry we dont serve minors"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eih59s/eflat_walks_into_a_bar/
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My grandfather died and i inherited some of his cloth

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.
For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eih2gg/my_grandfather_died_and_i_inherited_some_of_his/
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cue cantina music

A Jedi walks in to a bar.  Having just returned from a great struggle, he and his companions are thirsty for strong refreshments.  The Jedi leans over toward the bartender and says, "I want you to pour out a drink from every bottle except those three."
As he begins pouring a vast array of shots, the bartender makes conversation by inquiring, "what's wrong with those vodkas?  Why not go for the full slate?"
"No thank you," said the Jedi with a scowl, irritably explaining, "only a Sith deals in Absoluts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eigyy1/cue_cantina_music/
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Son : Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a Virgin.

Son : Mom,  all the kids in the school are making fun of me because  I am still a Virgin.
Mom: Well,  start giving them bad grades and they will stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eigl3i/son_mom_all_the_kids_in_the_school_are_making_fun/
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Help my cat is a Chinese communist!

It keeps talking about Mao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eigkwd/help_my_cat_is_a_chinese_communist/
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Knock-knock

- Who’s there?
- Abby.
- Abby who?
- Abby new year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eigju6/knockknock/
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What's the difference between the 1920s and 2020s?

Depression happens at the start of the decade now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eigf2s/whats_the_difference_between_the_1920s_and_2020s/
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Why did the UPS driver give the package to the deaf person?

Because they signed for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eigc2s/why_did_the_ups_driver_give_the_package_to_the/
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Hey Reddit, have you heard the one about the earthen cow?

Nevermind .. it's just another terra-bull joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eifro7/hey_reddit_have_you_heard_the_one_about_the/
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Doctor: We had to remove your colon

Me why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eifpv9/doctor_we_had_to_remove_your_colon/
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What does the vegan zombie eat?

GRAAAAIIINNNS...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eifp6m/what_does_the_vegan_zombie_eat/
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i apologize if this has been posted here already

A man with a sack walks into a bar. He orders his first drink. The bartender asks, “What’s in that sack?” The man replies. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Later in the night, the man orders another drink. The bartender asks again, “What’s in the sack?” The man again replies, “It’s nothing worth seeing, don’t worry.” Later, the man comes up for his third drink. The bartender says, “Look, if you show me whats in that sack, I’ll give you a free drink. Whatever you want.” The man thinks for a moment, and opens the sack. He pulls out a tiny man, and a tiny piano. The tiny man starts playing the tiny piano. The bartender, surprised, asks, “Wow! Where’d you get this guy?” The man pulls out a magic lamp from the sack. “This thing. It can grant any wish. But the wish won’t be 100% accurate.” The bartender asks, “Can I try it out?” The man gives the magic lamp to the bartender. “I wish I had 100 bucks.” A few seconds later, 100 ducks waddle into the bar. The bartender says, “You’re right. This thing isnt very accurate” The man says, “I know. Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eifk5y/i_apologize_if_this_has_been_posted_here_already/
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A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

>!Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eifinc/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
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Guys, I think this sub is really improving.

I haven't seen a repost since last decade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eifi4h/guys_i_think_this_sub_is_really_improving/
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I would lose weight for my New Year's resolution ...

... but I hate losing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eifdhc/i_would_lose_weight_for_my_new_years_resolution/
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I was driving down to Florida and got pulled over for speeding halfway through Georgia.

The cop told me and my buddy that nobody goes that fast through his county. My friend leaned over and said, "Sherman did."
(Credit to u/hisownspace for the joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eifcbv/i_was_driving_down_to_florida_and_got_pulled_over/
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An American and a Russian get into an argument about who’s government is better

The Russian says: "In my country I can walk into the Kremlin, pound the General Secretary’s desk and say, 'Mr. Putin, I don't like the way you are running our country.'"
The  American says: “I can do that too.”
The Russian says: “You can?"
The American says: “Yes, I can go into the Oval Office, pound the presidents desk, and say, ‘President Trump, I don't like the way Putin is running this country.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiezal/an_american_and_a_russian_get_into_an_argument/
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Every year since 2017, my New Year’s resolution is to not give up and continue to work on my novel.

Three years later and I’ve almost finished reading it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiexo6/every_year_since_2017_my_new_years_resolution_is/
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What do you get when you cross Helen Keller and a Zebra?

A referee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eietqy/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_helen_keller_and_a/
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I haven’t made a post

SINCE LAST YEAR!
I haven’t eaten a meal
SINCE LAST YEAR!
I haven’t seen my friends
SINCE LAST YEAR!
I haven’t felt true happiness
SINCE 2012!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiet05/i_havent_made_a_post/
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Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to feed a family.
"Would you look at the size of that *Fucker*!" he exclaims, startling the second priest.
"Hey, you can't talk like that; you're a man of the cloth. I'm a man of the cloth!" Says the second priest, scandalised.
The first priest raises his hands in a calming gesture "It's ok my good fellow, that's the fish's name. It's an *Italian Fucker Fish*."
After breathing a sigh of relief, the second priest is able to appreciate the fish a bit more. "Why don't we cook it for our dinner with the His Holiness the Pope tonight" he says. The first priest agrees, and they go their separate ways, the first priest to return their boat and the second to deliver the fish into the Vatican.
Priest number two lobs up at the convent and knocks at the door, a sister answers and he proudly shows her the fish. "Could the mother superior cook this *Fucker* for our dinner with His Holiness the Pope?" He asks. Scandalising the poor sister.
"You can't talk like that!" she says "You're a man of the cloth. I'm a woman of the cloth".
"Fret not, dear sister" the priest says "that is the fish's name. It's an *Italian Fucker Fish*."
Mollified the nun agrees to prepare the fish for the mother superior to cook. She scales and guts the fish and then calls on the mother superior. "Mother, I have prepared this *Fucker* so that you may cook it for our dinner tonight with His Holiness the Pope".
Mum superior nearly has a heart attack. "My child" she shrieks "We are women of the cloth. You cannot use such language!"
The nun placates the mother by explaining that the fish is an *Italian Fucker Fish*. And, so assured, she agrees to cook the fish for their dinner with His Holiness.
Later that night both Priests, the Nun and the Mother Superior are at dinner with His Holiness the Pope. They remove the silver cover from their meal and serve the fish. The Pope takes a few bites and a sip of wine and states "This fish is fantastic, practically divine"
"I caught the *Fucker*." Says the first priest.
"Well I brought the *Fucker* into the city." Says the second.
"I scaled and gutted the *Fucker*." Says the nun.
"And I cooked the *Fucker*." Says the mother superior.
His Holiness takes a look around the table, takes another sip of his wine and says "You know what? ***You cunts are alright!"***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiergc/two_priests_and_two_nuns_have_dinner_with_his/
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Guys I'm stoned...

Hi stoned, I'm dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eieptx/guys_im_stoned/
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Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

Because today they got into a fight, and 2021!
Happy new year y’all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eienne/why_was_2019_afraid_of_2020/
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Sometimes I feel like people on the West coast are living in the past

Ba-dum tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eienj6/sometimes_i_feel_like_people_on_the_west_coast/
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I accidentally sprained my left ankle today.

Next year, I'll surely start on the right foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiemk5/i_accidentally_sprained_my_left_ankle_today/
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers

In case he got a hole in one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eieiik/why_did_the_golfer_wear_two_pairs_of_trousers/
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I made a (hopefully) original joke!

In 2019, the army had been at war with another country. In order to keep their troops healthy, they needed to monitor the submarine that carried supplies to where the others were located.
But there was a small problem. Every so often, there would be a defect in the submarine's engine that would cause it to shut down. These defects were manageable at first, but they slowly became so severe that the crew had no choice but to get several ships to surround the submarine and make sure it was functioning properly.
Each ship had a small selection of sailors posted on the end of the ship, and their jobs were to watch the submarine for any problems. If they found any, they were to report to the aiding crew that would repair the ship's engine and keep it alive.
But there was a problem. Despite sailors being required to sit around and do nothing all day, they were hardly being paid. And this inspired a strike! The sailors eventually all abandoned their posts, meaning there was nobody watching over the submarine.
The military leader was confused by the complaints he was hearing and decided to investigate for himself. He went on the security cameras and went to ship 1, but nobody was there.
He checked ship 2, and nobody was there.
He checked ship 3, and nobody was there!
Panicking, the leader called the ship's aiding crew and screamed "Is this sub still active?! I haven't seen any posts since last deck, Aid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiefto/i_made_a_hopefully_original_joke/
%
What did the plastic surgeon say to the patient?

Happy new ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiea28/what_did_the_plastic_surgeon_say_to_the_patient/
%
Enough with the “I’ll see you next year” jokes on New Years!

Those jokes are a decade old now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eie0o3/enough_with_the_ill_see_you_next_year_jokes_on/
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I left the garage door open last night

Someone stole my limbo stick.. didn’t know people can go that low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eidpjf/i_left_the_garage_door_open_last_night/
%
My gecko won't get up.

I think he has ereptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eidjva/my_gecko_wont_get_up/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe with that thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eidir9/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
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A Sailor is on his first day on a destroyer

and his Superior is giving him tour. They approach a room with a single 55 gallon barrel in the center of it.
“What’s this?” the young Sailor ask.
“Oooh that. Well Sailor, we are out to sea for long periods of time and we have certain needs. So anytime you get the urge you just whip it out and stick it into the hole on the side of the barrel. It’ll take care of itself!” His superior explained.
The young sailor said “Wow! That’s amazing! I can do that any time?”
“Yes...  anytime... OH EXCEPT TUESDAY BETWEEN 12-6!” explained his Superior.”
“Why not Tuesday between 12-6?” the young sailor asked...
His Superior looked at him and said...
“Well.... that’s your shift in the barrel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eidfew/a_sailor_is_on_his_first_day_on_a_destroyer/
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What did Raichu say to Pikachu?

Raichu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eidbqq/what_did_raichu_say_to_pikachu/
%
Did you hear the one about the Polish terrorist they sent to blow up a car?

He burnt his mouth on the tail pipe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eid54p/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_polish_terrorist/
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How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eid3ro/how_is_life_like_toilet_paper/
%
So I gave a blind guy a basketball.

I think he's still trying to read it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eicsr8/so_i_gave_a_blind_guy_a_basketball/
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Jeff Goldblum, William Shatner, and Christopher Walken walk into a bar...

*dramatic pause*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eicpdd/jeff_goldblum_william_shatner_and_christopher/
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New decade, new jokes on this sub

See the statement above for the biggest joke on this sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eicodm/new_decade_new_jokes_on_this_sub/
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An Interesting Horse Joke

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chuck’s house and said, Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.
Chuck replied, Well, then just give me my money back.
The farmer said, Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.
Chuck said, Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.
The farmer asked, What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, I’m going to raffle him off.
The farmer said, You can’t raffle off a dead horse!
Chuck said, Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, What happened with that dead horse?
Chuck said, I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.
The farmer said, Didn’t anyone complain?
Chuck said, Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eicn7n/an_interesting_horse_joke/
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happy new year

is just another way of saying may your brain release endorphins because the earth just completed another orbit cycle around the sun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eicjhd/happy_new_year/
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My friends told me to jump under a dock

I was crushed and broke multiple bones.
Morale of the story, dont give in to pier pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eicis5/my_friends_told_me_to_jump_under_a_dock/
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What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo mama!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eich9s/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_two_legs/
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What drugs do boxers take to dodge better?

Antifistamines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eicc99/what_drugs_do_boxers_take_to_dodge_better/
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Doctor: We had to remove your colon

Me why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eicb08/doctor_we_had_to_remove_your_colon/
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I love when they drop the ball in Time Square..

It’s a nice reminder of what I did all last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eic6db/i_love_when_they_drop_the_ball_in_time_square/
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If you start watching *When Harry Met Sally* at 11:15 pm, when the clock strikes midnight and brings in the new year...

You will still be just as single as when you started the movie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eic4sr/if_you_start_watching_when_harry_met_sally_at/
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I thought my life was a joke.

But then I realized jokes have meaning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eic3ul/i_thought_my_life_was_a_joke/
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I heard a lot of British people had special Brexit Christmas dinners this year...

It's like regular Christmas dinner but without the brussels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eibzxw/i_heard_a_lot_of_british_people_had_special/
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What does a house wear to a party?

Adress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eibvgx/what_does_a_house_wear_to_a_party/
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R.I.P. 2019

(2019 - 2019)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eibuvx/rip_2019/
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Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eibmcd/yoga_class_instructor_welcome_uhh_why_are_you/
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Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
\*stands on one foot\*
Cop: ok first of all, ow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eibl9p/cop_are_you_drunk/
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The floor number display in the elevator was malfunctioning.

It was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eibkiz/the_floor_number_display_in_the_elevator_was/
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If you watch Wall-E backwards

it's about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eibk5l/if_you_watch_walle_backwards/
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Knock knock

"Who's there?"
"Abby"
"Abby New Year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eibd3a/knock_knock/
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Time zones are weird - Australia is in 2020. America is in 2019..

Des Moines is in 1998, Alabama in 1865, Saudi Arabia 1576.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eibcte/time_zones_are_weird_australia_is_in_2020_america/
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Did you hear about the cross-eyed dodgeball teacher?

He had dodgy pupils

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eib9vd/did_you_hear_about_the_crosseyed_dodgeball_teacher/
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I was in a car accident

wasn't my fault the driver in front car stalled, as we were both getting out of our cars I realized he was a dwarf. He walked over to assess the damage, shuck his head and said, I'm not happy, to which I replied well then which one are you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eib2i5/i_was_in_a_car_accident/
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People, BEWARE. I had 2 tickets for the movie CATS inside my car...

...people broke the window and left 4 more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eib0nt/people_beware_i_had_2_tickets_for_the_movie_cats/
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Early

I know it's early, but a very happy new year from The Premature Ejaculation Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiaxjx/early/
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A German joke

A German is driving his car in Britain. A British cop pulls him over to the side of the road. Cop: "Sir, do you realize that there are two poisonous snakes on your windshield?" The German: "Off course! Zey are my vinscreen vipers!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eian3q/a_german_joke/
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The American military should really be worried...

Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiacji/the_american_military_should_really_be_worried/
%
I accidentally dropped a full two liter bottle of ginger ale onto my bare foot.

Fortunately it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eiac7b/i_accidentally_dropped_a_full_two_liter_bottle_of/
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Harry Potter walks into a bar...

Because Vernon Dursley put them in his windows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eia7ds/harry_potter_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did people invite the mushroom to the party?

Because he’s really, really cute!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei9zfu/why_did_people_invite_the_mushroom_to_the_party/
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I knew a guy who committed suicide by furiously masturbating until he ripped his dick from his body.

To be honest, I'm surprised he pulled it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei9w1p/i_knew_a_guy_who_committed_suicide_by_furiously/
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For 2020 reddit is committing to being the most environmentally friendly company in the tech industry.

They are committing to 100% recycled content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei9a11/for_2020_reddit_is_committing_to_being_the_most/
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I just smashed my keyboard, I'm so angry.

I just lost CTRL.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei99uv/i_just_smashed_my_keyboard_im_so_angry/
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A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Edit - RIP Inbox. I knew I would make it big someday! Thank you all for the votes and sorry for the repost but I simply couldn't resist. Happy New Year everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei96m0/a_new_navy_recruit_has_his_first_day_on_a/
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Did you hear about the super horny guy that passed out?

He came to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei952g/did_you_hear_about_the_super_horny_guy_that/
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Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?

His name is Tim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei8u77/did_you_know_bill_burr_has_a_brother_that_is_a/
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A two-dollar ...

Back in the old days, a traveling salesman got married and had leave on a sales trip the next day.  After he got back, his friends noticed he was looking very worried and asked him what was the matter.  He said that he and his wife had a good time just after he returned, but, without thinking and just out of habit, he left ten dollars on her dresser.  They said, "That's OK, just tell her it's housekeeping money."  "No," he replied, "that's not the problem.  The problem is that she gave me eight dollars change."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei8jpd/a_twodollar/
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What's the one kind of tea you won't find on r/Jokes?

Originali-tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei8axa/whats_the_one_kind_of_tea_you_wont_find_on_rjokes/
%
A dog broke up with his wife

It was ruff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei83so/a_dog_broke_up_with_his_wife/
%
"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration"

The doctor said, "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
WeWhen he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei822y/joe_the_good_news_is_i_can_cure_your_headaches/
%
My buddy told me a joke about oxygen and potassium

It was O K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei7x8d/my_buddy_told_me_a_joke_about_oxygen_and_potassium/
%
There were three men on a tower...

One of the three men said “Hey, did you know that if I jump right now, the pressure of the air will bring me back up.”
Than the second guy said “I don’t believe you.”
The third guy looked at the second guy and than went jumping off and flying right back up. “Believe me now?” Said the third guy.
The second guy went and said “Do it again, I don’t believe you still.”
So the third went jumping off and flying right back up.
“Ok now I believe you.” Said the second guy.
So the second went to try jumping off but instead fell to his death.
The first guy looked at the third guy with disappointment in his eyes “Superman your really being a dick today..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei7ujf/there_were_three_men_on_a_tower/
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How do you stop an argument between 2 deaf people?

Turn off the lights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei7otk/how_do_you_stop_an_argument_between_2_deaf_people/
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What’s the most popular Star Wars action figure in Japan?

Toy-Yoda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei7ny6/whats_the_most_popular_star_wars_action_figure_in/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei7jyr/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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Have you ever been attacked by a German Shepherd dog while having a white stick shoved up your backpassage?

Post that 2020 vision joke one more time..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei7bd0/have_you_ever_been_attacked_by_a_german_shepherd/
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My underwear has PTSD

It's true. It's seem some shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei6yyo/my_underwear_has_ptsd/
%
A young man is in need of a job,

And he looks through the classifieds to see what's available. He finds an ad from a farmer in need of some extra hands, so the man calls up the farmer and agrees to meet the next day to see what work he'd be doing.
The farmer greets him at the gate and begins to show the young man around. First, they come across a mango grove, and the farmer explains that he'll be picking and packaging the mangoes for sale. Then they go into the farmhouse, and the farmer introduces the young man to his daughter, Annie, and explains that during the heat of the day, the young man is to help Annie with all of her chores. The young man nods, and they move on. Lastly, they stop at a chicken coop, and the farmer proudly showcases his prize chickens, and his award winner who he named Thai, for the basil she ate that the farmer swore made her plumage glossy.
The young man begins work, and notices how little the farmer is around. So, he figures, he might as well line his pockets by taking a few mangoes for himself and selling them directly. It works out quite well for him, but the excitement of thievery wears off after a while, so he has to find something new to occupy himself with.
During the middle of the day, when he worked inside with Annie, the young man would sweep, so he could sneak peeks at her cleavage whenever she bent over with the dustpan. Again, the farmer didn't seem to notice, and the young man went about his day.
Eventually, he gets bored of Annie, and the mango sales have left him with quite a bit of money. So he figures that the next day he'll steal the farmer's prize chicken and get the hell out of dodge.
He's got the chicken in his hands, and is opening the gate to get off the farm when the farmer suddenly appears and shoots him in the foot. The young man released the bird and starts howling and hollering about how batshit crazy the farmer must be.
The farmer gathers up the chicken, still aiming the rifle at the young man and says:
"I didn't mind ya taking my mangas, and I done ignored you watchin' my Annie May, but if you think you can just blast off with my hen, Thai, you gotta 'nother thing comin'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei6xeq/a_young_man_is_in_need_of_a_job/
%
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.

The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly."
The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the worm is as straight and stiff as a board. The old man pays his grandson fifty dollars.
At dinner time, the man gives the boy another fifty dollars. "I though you already gave me my fifty bucks!" says the boy. "I did," says the grandfather. "This is from your granny."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei6usv/a_little_boy_and_his_grandfather_are_raking_leaves/
%
Bathrooms can be pretty entertaining .

It's where all the shit goes down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei6uh8/bathrooms_can_be_pretty_entertaining/
%
I was buying a Christmas tree off this lady, and she asked "Are you going to put that up yourself?"

I replied "No, I was thinking of putting it up in the living room actually"
(Nothing better than a christmas joke on new years eve.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei6qz8/i_was_buying_a_christmas_tree_off_this_lady_and/
%
Why would you eat a clock?

There’s no real good reason, it’s just time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei6mx7/why_would_you_eat_a_clock/
%
At a funeral, the vicar asks if anyone has anything they'd like to say. One woman raises her hand....

... I'm Vegan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei6h4d/at_a_funeral_the_vicar_asks_if_anyone_has/
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PSA: Don’t kiss anyone at midnight tonight

You never want to kiss on the first date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei6dor/psa_dont_kiss_anyone_at_midnight_tonight/
%
Why aren’t aliens going to visit our solar system?

They looked at the reviews. Only one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei6bvx/why_arent_aliens_going_to_visit_our_solar_system/
%
My ex wife was a Seismologist.

She was was great at finding faults.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei6apo/my_ex_wife_was_a_seismologist/
%
In my spare time I like to pretend I’m a giant

I fee fi for fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei62qq/in_my_spare_time_i_like_to_pretend_im_a_giant/
%
A man stood in the plane and shouted "Hijack"...

All the passengers got scared....
Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back..."Hey Dave".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei5w4y/a_man_stood_in_the_plane_and_shouted_hijack/
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At 11:59pm tonight...

Mom: see you next decade!
Dad: see you in a decade!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei5ngf/at_1159pm_tonight/
%
Every year I tune into 'Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve' thinking this will be the year it's worth watching.

But they always drop the ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei5kcm/every_year_i_tune_into_dick_clarks_rockin_new/
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I bought a high-def TV today

It’s my new year’s resolution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei5csd/i_bought_a_highdef_tv_today/
%
Been on earth for 16 years

and I still didn’t find any checkpoints to save my game.
I’m rating this game 1/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei5au2/been_on_earth_for_16_years/
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I've opened up a restaurant called "Karma"

There is no menu, you get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei52xa/ive_opened_up_a_restaurant_called_karma/
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New Year’s Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the clock struck 12, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei516c/new_years_eve/
%
Why did the price of balloons go up?

Inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei50iz/why_did_the_price_of_balloons_go_up/
%
One day, not too far off, Florida will be an entirely Blue state.

With the sea level rising, it'll be underwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei509f/one_day_not_too_far_off_florida_will_be_an/
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My wife yelled: i dont understand you,one minute you are rude to me,next minute you are nice

I said: bitch please

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei4ztt/my_wife_yelled_i_dont_understand_youone_minute/
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Cat puns really freak meowt.

I’m not kitten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei4y1x/cat_puns_really_freak_meowt/
%
Early Celebrations

I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th
Why?
Because I like to reduce fractions.
Happy New Year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei4wef/early_celebrations/
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Girlfriend stood there last night accusing me of cheating on her.

I thought to myself; "Damn, she sounds just like the wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei4oef/girlfriend_stood_there_last_night_accusing_me_of/
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What’s the difference between ...

A G Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei4igq/whats_the_difference_between/
%
New Years Parties at my place are like being in a chemistry lab

Some people drop the base, some drop acid while others do ether one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei4ei5/new_years_parties_at_my_place_are_like_being_in_a/
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If I got a dollar for every 2020 vision joke I‘ve read today, I’d still be poor.

I don‘t sort by new.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei4e6v/if_i_got_a_dollar_for_every_2020_vision_joke_ive/
%
It's true, hindsight really is 2020

I remember last year like it was yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei4bv4/its_true_hindsight_really_is_2020/
%
3 guys in line for heaven

3 men die and are waiting in line for heaven. The guy at the gate who decides if they can get in or not tells them,
"Alright, so in the book of life, i have lost everything that has happened in the last 30 minutes. If you can give me an honest account of what happened to you in your last few moments of your lives, I will allow you passage into heaven."
The first guy says,
"I just got home when I saw clothes all over the floor. I barged into my room and saw my wife on the bed naked. I searched the house and couldn't find anyone. I got so mad, that i threw the fridge out the window. I died right after of a heart attack."
The guy at the gate goes something like,
"Whoa bro, anger and vengence are not good, but since you told me the truth, I will let you through." *to the second guy* "So, how did you die?"
The second guy says,
"Well, I had just snatched this lady's purse and started running away, when all of a sudden, a fridge fell on me."
The guy at the gate goes something like,
"You weren't supposed to go around taking other's possessions. What you have during your life will not follow you to the grave. You told me the truth, so I will let you through as well." *then to the third guy* "So, how did you die?"
The third guy says,
"Oh, I was in the fridge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei4awt/3_guys_in_line_for_heaven/
%
We shouldn't worry about our phones and TVs spying on us.

However, our vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei4ap7/we_shouldnt_worry_about_our_phones_and_tvs_spying/
%
My son's Star Wars joke.

What do you give to a stinky Jedi?
De-Yoda-rant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei4aiz/my_sons_star_wars_joke/
%
How do you lose 12 stones of unsightly fat for the new year?

Divorce her....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei49j7/how_do_you_lose_12_stones_of_unsightly_fat_for/
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One condition to have sex

A married couple (for more than 20 years) were as normal as one could be, except one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department,  but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt  like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything  was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their  relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the  wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei48vm/one_condition_to_have_sex/
%
How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei44t9/how_do_crazy_people_go_through_the_forest/
%
“See you next decade!” Said Cole...

The first second of 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei424k/see_you_next_decade_said_cole/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand binary
Those who don't
Those who weren't expecting a ternary joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei3z2f/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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A young man is visiting his girlfriend at her parent's home for the first time...

He's looking for a cup to make some tea in when he notices a long row of handmade cups, each inscribed with what seems like half-words. Just then the girlfriend's mother walks in, and he asks her what the deal with the cups are.
"Oh those. They are our family cups, one for each member, they've been inscribed so we know which is whose."
She pulls one of the cups down, which says "HIC" on it
"This one's for little William, whenever he gets a hiccup episode we fill this cup to the brim, he's always cured when he's finished it, so it's his HIC-cup."
She then pulls down another cup that says "BREA" on it
"This is for Angela, whenever she's heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy out of this, so this is her BREA-Cup."
"Ahh, okay, I get it. But doesn't your husband get his own cup?"
"Oh he does" The mom replies "It's the one that says 'SHUTTHEFU' on it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei3yh3/a_young_man_is_visiting_his_girlfriend_at_her/
%
If you have 7 apples in one hand and 8 in the other. What have you got?

Fucking big hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei3m54/if_you_have_7_apples_in_one_hand_and_8_in_the/
%
A knock knock joke for automotive savvy people

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sensor.
Sensor who?
P0325

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei3izz/a_knock_knock_joke_for_automotive_savvy_people/
%
A couple scientists created an AI

That seemed to be able to answer all questions. It cured cancer and even told them how to travel faster than light.one day one of the scientists asked it if there was a god. The ai asked for all of humanities information in order to answer. It was given all books ever written, all historical data and even nuclear clearance codes. The ai, after ingesting this information, simply said:
There is now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei3hnz/a_couple_scientists_created_an_ai/
%
WHERE DOES A PIRATE KEEP HIS BUCCANEERS.

under his bucking hat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei39nn/where_does_a_pirate_keep_his_buccaneers/
%
Wife Missing

My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei2wq6/wife_missing/
%
Riding the bus

The other day I was riding the bus when at a stop, a midget gets on the bus and sits on the seat next to me.  at one of the stops, the driver hit the breaks a little harder and the midget slid off the chair, I act fast, catch his hand and pull him back on the chair. The next stop, the midget slides off the chair again and I pull him back. The next stop the same so I said:
Listen up buddy, I'm not going to keep pulling you back at every stop.
He looks at me with tears in his eyes and says:
I had to get off the bus two stops ago, but you don't let me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei2u6g/riding_the_bus/
%
Remember to poop before midnight tonight

You don't want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei2o6c/remember_to_poop_before_midnight_tonight/
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What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on new years eve?

He got 12 months!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei2ilq/what_happened_to_the_man_who_shoplifted_a/
%
Jacinda Ardern is so progressive..

..that her country are already living in the next decade!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei2hm1/jacinda_ardern_is_so_progressive/
%
I hate that my wife is always on the phone during sex.

She really needs to stop texting me at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei2a3z/i_hate_that_my_wife_is_always_on_the_phone_during/
%
To my girlfriend, I love you so much I'd die for you if necessary, I'd walk across a desert for you,

I'd stick my dick in a cactus for you, I'd have sex with a disease filled hooker for you and in fact I did so I hope you appreciate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei27hz/to_my_girlfriend_i_love_you_so_much_id_die_for/
%
New year in a few hours. Now finally we won't have these stupid 20/20 vision jokes anymore...

But hey! I can't say for sure, I don't have 2020 vision!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei24ac/new_year_in_a_few_hours_now_finally_we_wont_have/
%
Going 20 years sober on January 5th!

It will be 20 years since I last had a drink on the 5th of January. I drink on all of the other days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei248f/going_20_years_sober_on_january_5th/
%
How did Jesus stay so ripped?

Pontius Pilates and CrossFit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei22l7/how_did_jesus_stay_so_ripped/
%
My friend asked me, "where do you see yourself tomorrow?"

"I see myself being surrounded with my loved ones and friends, reflecting on the memories I've been with them and how grateful I am to have them in my life. I will feel sadness for the people that I have lost along the way, but joy that I have met them and that they made me who I am today. I see myself reflecting on the awesome moments I've witnessed on communities, and how everything is going so fast. To think that technology has evolved to this point fathoms me, and yet here we are. Lastly, I see myself hoping for a good year once again."
I would've said that but I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei20wj/my_friend_asked_me_where_do_you_see_yourself/
%
How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei1yws/how_did_noah_see_the_animals_in_the_ark_at_night/
%
Why was the electrician so excited to go shopping with his wife?

She said they were going to the outlet mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei1w2g/why_was_the_electrician_so_excited_to_go_shopping/
%
Crashed another nuns-only party.

Don't know why I can't get out of this habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei1rs0/crashed_another_nunsonly_party/
%
Doctor: We’ve had to remove part of your colon

Me; damn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei1quy/doctor_weve_had_to_remove_part_of_your_colon/
%
What do you call it when a soldier has to go undercover dressed as a woman?

A Transmission

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei1kzn/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_soldier_has_to_go/
%
When I got a job at the M&M factory, I was told I could eat all the mismade chocolates I wanted.

I was shocked at the number of candies misprinted with a "W".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei1apt/when_i_got_a_job_at_the_mm_factory_i_was_told_i/
%
This is the story of 5 cents.

Take five pennies...lay them out in a row. As you tell the joke slide one into a different row.
You smell anything? There's a scent.
You see any fruit? There's a pear.
You see any cars? There's 3 Lincolns.
You see any snakes? There's 4 copper heads.
You see any pussy? Not for 5 cents you don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei19sj/this_is_the_story_of_5_cents/
%
Interview

I have a phone interview today and my friend told me to "just be myself"  so i am not gonna answer the call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei11if/interview/
%
A guy exploded himself after asking me what damage could explosives do

All i said is "c4 yourself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei0teu/a_guy_exploded_himself_after_asking_me_what/
%
Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes

I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei0snm/right_enough_of_these_2020_vision_jokes/
%
I am an atheist

Just can't believe it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei0j0x/i_am_an_atheist/
%
What was Hitler's favorite programming language?

Not C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei0gf7/what_was_hitlers_favorite_programming_language/
%
What did the Farmer tell the calf, who couldn't sleep?

Pasture bed time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei09g8/what_did_the_farmer_tell_the_calf_who_couldnt/
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What is the scientific name for a child's fear of sitting on Santa's lap at the mall?

Claustrophobia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei03or/what_is_the_scientific_name_for_a_childs_fear_of/
%
How many sex-addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, if the light bulb is large enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ei038h/how_many_sexaddicts_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
On New Year's Eve back in 1999, a friend bet me a couple grand that computers were going to stop working

"Why $2k?" I asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehzz2p/on_new_years_eve_back_in_1999_a_friend_bet_me_a/
%
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehzruz/what_do_you_call_a_lazy_baby_kangaroo/
%
I'm on a whisky diet.

I've lost few days already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehznpi/im_on_a_whisky_diet/
%
Why did it take the computer so long to get here?

It had a solid state drive!
(My wife came up with this just now.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehzljc/why_did_it_take_the_computer_so_long_to_get_here/
%
Word of truth

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehz9o2/word_of_truth/
%
A nun joke

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehz31f/a_nun_joke/
%
What is the difference between being hungry and horny?

Where you stick the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehz02m/what_is_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
%
A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"

The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehywbv/a_man_runs_into_a_doctors_office_screaming_youve/
%
A man decided to challenge God to a contest.

"Why do you want to challenge me?" God asked the man.
"I've been studying my whole life, and I think I have this god stuff all figured out." The man replied.
"Alright then. What's this challenge you speak of?"
"We have one hour to create something out of the dust from the Earth. Whoever can create the better thing wins the challenge."
"Okay then, I'll participate in your challenge."
"Okay, one, two, three, begin!"
And the challenge started. The man scooped up some dirt, but God interrupted.
"Go get your own dirt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehysh9/a_man_decided_to_challenge_god_to_a_contest/
%
Once I dated a girl with a parakeet and that f**king thing never shut up

The bird was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehynkm/once_i_dated_a_girl_with_a_parakeet_and_that/
%
The average person has sex 54 times a year...

Tomorrow is gonna be wild!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehyglo/the_average_person_has_sex_54_times_a_year/
%
Why is Jeffrey Epstein bad at races?

He always comes in a little behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehyeav/why_is_jeffrey_epstein_bad_at_races/
%
How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?

All the red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehyc8v/how_did_we_know_communism_was_doomed_from_the/
%
True story! My wife wasn't happy...

I was at a store with my son and wife, so I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catch it. Then my son saw me doing it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, give me that! It's really expensive!"
My son questioned me, "how much did it cost, dad?"
I replied, "my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehy5gh/true_story_my_wife_wasnt_happy/
%
How many Captain Picards does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four. There, are, four, lights!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehxxge/how_many_captain_picards_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
I though someone was spreading malignant rumours about me...

Turns out my doctor just has messy handwriting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehxsdp/i_though_someone_was_spreading_malignant_rumours/
%
My only plan for tomorrow is to pick up my new eyeglasses

After that, I'll see what happens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehxqpm/my_only_plan_for_tomorrow_is_to_pick_up_my_new/
%
Nobody throws a BBQ as good as me

My record is 28 feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehxlpy/nobody_throws_a_bbq_as_good_as_me/
%
There's a lot of controversy about vaccination, but you know what I don't get?

Measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehxkbk/theres_a_lot_of_controversy_about_vaccination_but/
%
No pair of balls are identical.

In fact, there are vas deferenses between the two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehxgpn/no_pair_of_balls_are_identical/
%
Three blondes walk into a bar

They order a bottle of champagne and after several times of raising their glasses to 45 days the bartender asks what they are celebrating. One blonde responds 'We finished a puzzle in 45 days but the box said 3-6 years'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehxd2w/three_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Baby seal walks into a club.

Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehx728/baby_seal_walks_into_a_club/
%
Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehwzri/scientists_have_invented_a_bomb_that_explodes/
%
What’s the opposite of miscalculate?

Misterapproximate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehwyzx/whats_the_opposite_of_miscalculate/
%
Deforestation is so sad it makes me cry...

*reached for a handful of tissue*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehwkkk/deforestation_is_so_sad_it_makes_me_cry/
%
Why don’t you ever see donkeys in school?

Because nobody likes a smart ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehwjyb/why_dont_you_ever_see_donkeys_in_school/
%
To everyone's surprise , our Mexican neighbors got the city to sign for a bill to restrict loud noisess

Nobody expects the Spanish din petition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehwhlq/to_everyones_surprise_our_mexican_neighbors_got/
%
Three guys walk into a bar

Surprised the third one didn’t duck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehwgwm/three_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What is the difference between a piano, tuna, and glue?

You can tuna piano but you can't piano tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehw6ww/what_is_the_difference_between_a_piano_tuna_and/
%
Do you know why Palpatine spends so much time on his throne?

Because he likes to Sith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehw14l/do_you_know_why_palpatine_spends_so_much_time_on/
%
I was wondering why that ball was getting bigger...

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehvv91/i_was_wondering_why_that_ball_was_getting_bigger/
%
What is Jose Cuervo's favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehvuyo/what_is_jose_cuervos_favorite_book/
%
Doctor: Do you Smoke?

Me: Everytime after sex
Doctor: But your lungs are in perfect health
Me: Yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehvt3z/doctor_do_you_smoke/
%
[Motivation] Just because you were born in poverty, it doesn't mean that you'll be poor forever.

I was born in a hospital, yet I'm not a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehvpz1/motivation_just_because_you_were_born_in_poverty/
%
An Arabic women was once arrested for smoking weed

She was stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehvlx0/an_arabic_women_was_once_arrested_for_smoking_weed/
%
At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool and I asked how he did it.

He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."
Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well.
He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it."
Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch.
He said, "There is no punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehv7x6/at_a_bar_my_friend_made_a_remarkable_shot_in_pool/
%
Doctor: We had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehuwzj/doctor_we_had_to_remove_your_colon/
%
A friend asked if I'd like to meet his girlfriend from r/jokes.

Turns out I'd meta before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehurjj/a_friend_asked_if_id_like_to_meet_his_girlfriend/
%
A guy walks into a building

He walks up to the woman at the front desk.
He says “how much for one of your sex dolls?”
She says “your money is no good here sir.”
He says “why not?”
She says “Because this is a morgue.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehu3p7/a_guy_walks_into_a_building/
%
This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym...

... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehu2l9/this_year_my_new_years_resolution_is_to_finally/
%
People always say laughter is the best medicine...

But when I ask for it at the pharmacy people always give me a weird look.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehtyjc/people_always_say_laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
%
Weatherman are like that over aggressive guy at the bar...

...always telling us how many inches we are going to get and always failing to deliver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehtsuf/weatherman_are_like_that_over_aggressive_guy_at/
%
I saw my friend talking to a T-REX

I said "Why were you talking to that T-rex"
He said "He was giving me a couple handguns"
I said "What?"
He responded with "Yea he is my small arms dealer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehtsp7/i_saw_my_friend_talking_to_a_trex/
%
What do you call a medical doctor who is on-call?

An oncologist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehtr13/what_do_you_call_a_medical_doctor_who_is_oncall/
%
Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher and Mikhail Gorbachev are riding together on a plane

They fly over the Empire State Building and Reagan proudly boasts:
"See that? We built that in a few days from scratch!"
Then they fly over the Buckingham Palace and Thatcher proudly says:
"See that? That we built in a week!
When they got to Russia and flew over the Kremlin they both looked at Gorbachev.
"Strange " he says "This... wasn't here yesterday..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehtklu/ronald_reagan_margaret_thatcher_and_mikhail/
%
NSFW so I met this girl at a bar last night...

We had a really good time so I brought her home, but I couldn't believe it when she pissed on my floor.. it's probably my fault though. When she asked me to grade her looks on a scale of one to ten I told her, "you're an eight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehtgr4/nsfw_so_i_met_this_girl_at_a_bar_last_night/
%
Communist jokes are like food.

Not everyone should get them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehteo5/communist_jokes_are_like_food/
%
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

The slow swimmer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehtaw7/what_do_you_call_the_soft_tissue_between_a_sharks/
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Why do Jewish men like to watch porn in reverse?

They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eht7fr/why_do_jewish_men_like_to_watch_porn_in_reverse/
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What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey's blood?

Tastes like ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eht3ua/what_did_the_vampire_say_after_drinking_the/
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What are a necromancer's magic words?

Abra Cadaver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehsuuw/what_are_a_necromancers_magic_words/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head...

The bartender asks him why.
The pirate replies, "arrr, there be a Bounty on me head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehsuoe/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_paper_towel_on/
%
Mirror inspector?

Now this is a job I could see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehsue4/mirror_inspector/
%
Whens a door not a door?

When its ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehsquw/whens_a_door_not_a_door/
%
American: You British people spell things weird.

Brit: no U.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehsncz/american_you_british_people_spell_things_weird/
%
Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now NSFW

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now and the vanilla sex stuff really got us bored. So we decided to finally step up the game. We tried blindfolds, wax, tying each other up but it was just not working for us. I brought up the topic of anal but she was really scared of it because it might hurt. After some convincing we decided to actually give it a go.
I'm glad to say it's our new kink, but damn it hurts when I sit down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehslx1/me_and_my_girlfriend_have_been_together_for_3/
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Want to know the secret of how I managed to quit smoking?

I decided to only smoke after sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehshnw/want_to_know_the_secret_of_how_i_managed_to_quit/
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What do you call a two foot amputee?

Defeeted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehsft6/what_do_you_call_a_two_foot_amputee/
%
What did the Hurricane say to ...

The Coconut Tree?
Hold onto your nuts this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehsbvb/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to/
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I thought my parents were buying me a car for Christmas

And all I got was a shitty toy Yoda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehs27c/i_thought_my_parents_were_buying_me_a_car_for/
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T'was once a knight from Kent

He hid a French whore in his tent.
With a frightening shiver,
She reached into his quiver,
And cried, "monsieur, your arrow is bent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehs1na/twas_once_a_knight_from_kent/
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What's the difference between ....

Oral and Anal sex?     Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehryz3/whats_the_difference_between/
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What did the Australian say to the bug with great vision?

Good eye, mite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehrybv/what_did_the_australian_say_to_the_bug_with_great/
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A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk...

His wife was up waiting for him...
"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled
He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehrw96/a_mathematics_professor_arrived_home_at_3_am_drunk/
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If you have a health goal for 2020, make sure to raise your left leg in the air at midnight.

So you can start of the year on the right foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehrqo9/if_you_have_a_health_goal_for_2020_make_sure_to/
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They say New York has the best New Years Eve Party

I’d say it’s overrated - every year they drop the ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehr85k/they_say_new_york_has_the_best_new_years_eve_party/
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A Christian newlywed couple buys their wedding cake.

They ask the baker to print the Bible verse **1 John 4:18**, which says the following:
>*"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..."*
However, the baker accidentally ends up printing **John 4:18** instead, which reads:
>*"For you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband..."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehr4tc/a_christian_newlywed_couple_buys_their_wedding/
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A guy walks into a bar and shouts "Attorneys are assholes!"

Another guy at the bar walks up to him with a disgusted look on his face and says "I can't believe you just said that, that's one of the most offensive things I've ever heard." The first guy says "Oh I'm sorry, are you an attorney?" The second guy replies "No, I'm an asshole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehr4ay/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_shouts_attorneys_are/
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Raj is in dire trouble.

His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask Lord Vishnu for help. He goes to the temple and begins to pray. "Oh Vishnu, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." He does this every day for 15 days.
The lottery night comes and someone else wins.
Raj goes back to the temple. "Vishnu, you maintainer of the universe, please let me win the lottery. I've lost my business, my house and now I am going to lose my wife as well." He does this for 30 days.
Lottery night comes. Raj didn't win. He goes back to the temple. "My Vishnu, why have you given up on me? I've lost my business, my house, my wife, and now my children are starving. If you don't let me win, I will come here every day till I die. Please let me get some money by winning that lottery."
Suddenly, there is a big flash. The sky parts open. Raj is confronted by the voice of God. Vishnu says, "Raj, buy the fucking lottery ticket first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehr3jr/raj_is_in_dire_trouble/
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3 blonde friends were were training to become detectives

. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, the head cop shows the first blonde a mugshot for 5 seconds and hides it.
Cop: This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
Blonde 1: That's easy, he only has one eye.
Cop: Well..that's because the picture I showed is his side pose.
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he tests the second blonde.
Cop: This is your suspect, and how would you recognize him?
Blonde 2: Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear.
The cop puts up a hopeless face, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a mugshot of his side pose! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." She looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation? "
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses with just one eye and one ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehqrnf/3_blonde_friends_were_were_training_to_become/
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Someone pooped in the water hole again.

Well shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehqprg/someone_pooped_in_the_water_hole_again/
%
My thai girlfriend says it's okay to have a small penis...

I'd prefer she didn't have one though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehqjdi/my_thai_girlfriend_says_its_okay_to_have_a_small/
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What’s the best part about being in a coma?

You’re living the dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehq91h/whats_the_best_part_about_being_in_a_coma/
%
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike

My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehq7b2/the_cops_just_stopped_by_and_said_i_was_in/
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The Legend of Dirty Dan

My grandad used to make me laugh with this!
The lights went out, and the show began, down the isle strolled dirty dan. He pissed and shit all over the floor......then wiped his ass with a 2x4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehq3tt/the_legend_of_dirty_dan/
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My wife recently asked me to give her a rough massage

But I told her I wouldn't because I didn't want to come across as massagenistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehq31e/my_wife_recently_asked_me_to_give_her_a_rough/
%
I get my IBS from my dad...

...Sometimes I wish he would keep his shit to himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehpobn/i_get_my_ibs_from_my_dad/
%
Vegans need to lay off attacking others for their eating habits....

The last thing we need is another Spinach Inquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehpnsw/vegans_need_to_lay_off_attacking_others_for_their/
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A R*pe Joke

A rope walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here."  So leaves, takes a shower, brushes his hair and comes back.  The bartender says "Hey, aren't you the same guy as before?"  So he replies "I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehpidl/a_rpe_joke/
%
Thai girlfriend

Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy? Something inside me says yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehpi38/thai_girlfriend/
%
In 2019 the astrophysicists discovered a new type of matter, besides the already known visible matter, dark matter and antimatter.

They decided to call it "doesn't matter", as it seems to have no effect on the known universe, whatsoever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehphaj/in_2019_the_astrophysicists_discovered_a_new_type/
%
-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?

\-Have you tried shaving your mustache?
\-No
\-Well you should, Karen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehpej1/doctor_ive_tried_everything_to_find_love_but_it/
%
Vegans

need to lay off attacking others for their eating habits....
The last thing we need is another Spinach Inquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehp96n/vegans/
%
What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehp926/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_a_dead/
%
What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehp89s/what_do_you_call_a_pig_that_does_karate/
%
What does my whiskey and my marriage have in common?

Both are on the rocks, because I have a drinking problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehoryl/what_does_my_whiskey_and_my_marriage_have_in/
%
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehorxr/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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Women are a lot like weather.

If it is wet outside, it's time to go inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehorru/women_are_a_lot_like_weather/
%
Why did the two racist cops start shooting everywhere?

Because the light was off and the room was black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehohjn/why_did_the_two_racist_cops_start_shooting/
%
All gas is laughing gas

If you're on the right side of the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehofej/all_gas_is_laughing_gas/
%
A man visits his friend in the hospital after the Chernobyl accident

He says, "You look taller." His friend says, "Yeah. I grew a couple feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehof36/a_man_visits_his_friend_in_the_hospital_after_the/
%
So you thought I could never become a paperboy?

Well I got news for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehoe6k/so_you_thought_i_could_never_become_a_paperboy/
%
Any salad can be a Caesar Salad

if you stab it a few times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eho664/any_salad_can_be_a_caesar_salad/
%
I was gonna tell a time travelling joke

But you guys didnt like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eho4rm/i_was_gonna_tell_a_time_travelling_joke/
%
What’s it called when two clothed lesbians have sex?

Safety scissoring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehnx7u/whats_it_called_when_two_clothed_lesbians_have_sex/
%
A husband and wife were fighting.

Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family?
Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehnwz7/a_husband_and_wife_were_fighting/
%
A man just woke up and went to the park for his daily morning walk.

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.
Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been wined and dined before" girl says.
So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home.
Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" Asks man.
"Never been fucked before" says girl.
So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says...
"Well you're fucked now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehnvdz/a_man_just_woke_up_and_went_to_the_park_for_his/
%
Birthdays are good for you.

Statistics say that people who have the most, live the longest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehnjpt/birthdays_are_good_for_you/
%
Why is there a “k” in dark and not a “c”?

Because you can’t see in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehniev/why_is_there_a_k_in_dark_and_not_a_c/
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What do you call a necrophiliac triangle?

Necrophineas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehned2/what_do_you_call_a_necrophiliac_triangle/
%
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehndmq/girl_when_we_get_married_i_want_to_share_all_your/
%
An award given unexpectedly to only Knighted Men:

The sir prize.
Please feel free to improve this one >\_<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehncd9/an_award_given_unexpectedly_to_only_knighted_men/
%
What do you call a nun that is extremely fond of cats ?

A cat-holic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehn96q/what_do_you_call_a_nun_that_is_extremely_fond_of/
%
Shovel is a groundbreaking invention.

And broom is the invention that swept the nation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehn5js/shovel_is_a_groundbreaking_invention/
%
I told Sam not to sing on his phone...

But Samsung anyway :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehn0bt/i_told_sam_not_to_sing_on_his_phone/
%
Every time I go to my favorite restaurant I order the club sandwich.

I've been doing this for years and I'm not even a member.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehmzx5/every_time_i_go_to_my_favorite_restaurant_i_order/
%
You might think the sun Is too heavy to carry,

but actually it's pretty light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehmwlo/you_might_think_the_sun_is_too_heavy_to_carry/
%
Did you hear about the two men who fought over a pair of glasses?

It was quite the spectacle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehmtq9/did_you_hear_about_the_two_men_who_fought_over_a/
%
When you pull a push door by accident and someone says "you have to push"

Thanks for that, because my next plan was to start lifting from the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehmtft/when_you_pull_a_push_door_by_accident_and_someone/
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Two ladies had been friends for decades. Every day they sat together on a bench in the park and chatted.

One day, one lady told the other, "This is terribly embarrassing, but I hope you understand. You know how it is to be old. I keep forgetting things. I have to tell you, my dear friend, that I simply can't remember your name. Could you please tell me your name again?"
The other lady looked at her for a long time, and asked, "How soon do you need to know?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehmsmb/two_ladies_had_been_friends_for_decades_every_day/
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The little boy said "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog"?

"What for?" said the old man.  "Because Grandma said when you croak we are going to Disneyland."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehmp0h/the_little_boy_said_grandpa_can_you_make_a_sound/
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NSFW The husband came home carrying a sheep under his arm and walked into the bedroom.

"This is the pig I've been sleeping with" he said.  His wife looked at him and said, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."  The man answered " I wasn't talking to you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehmnpa/nsfw_the_husband_came_home_carrying_a_sheep_under/
%
I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehmig7/i_think_my_cousin_has_a_crush_on_peanuts/
%
Don't even bother thinking about what you ate

It's all gone to shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehmc07/dont_even_bother_thinking_about_what_you_ate/
%
Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehm1wk/got_a_parking_ticket_the_other_day_for_being/
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The Devil’s in the details

A guy dies and is  sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says  he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are  standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the  next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their  noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are  standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating  pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to  leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way  out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehluzd/the_devils_in_the_details/
%
true love lasts forever.

It’s the World Cup  Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He  sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over  and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the  neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who  in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not  use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I  was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the  first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’  ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find  someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’  The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehlu4z/true_love_lasts_forever/
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Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

I don’t remember the rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehlpd4/cardi_b_and_bill_cosby_walk_into_a_bar/
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A lawyer, a priest, and a programmer are driving down a mountain when their brakes give out...

They all start screaming as the car goes faster and faster, and they start barreling around the curves. Somehow they make it to the bottom, safe and sound. They all pile out of the car as quickly as they can.
The lawyer angrily says "We should sue the manufacturer!"
The priest falls to his knees and starts praying, "Praise be to God that we made it down alive!"
The programmer looks at the car, then at the mountain, thinks for a moment and says "Let's go back up and try to reproduce the defect!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehll2m/a_lawyer_a_priest_and_a_programmer_are_driving/
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Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.

I won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehljvs/me_and_my_mate_have_just_been_fighting_over_which/
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What is Henry Cavill's least favourite game?

Portal
Thanks as well for the coin gift!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehlhcm/what_is_henry_cavills_least_favourite_game/
%
What do you call a gay frenchman

A faguette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehldo4/what_do_you_call_a_gay_frenchman/
%
What do you call an elderly snowman?

Water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehlc0j/what_do_you_call_an_elderly_snowman/
%
I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?

I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehl8rl/i_went_to_the_doctors_with_hearing_problems_he/
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'You have a fear of marriage, do you know the symptoms?' ...

'I can't say I do'..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehl6l0/you_have_a_fear_of_marriage_do_you_know_the/
%
Three men die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.

He says to the first man, "Welcome to Heaven! Back on Earth, what denomination were you?"
The first man say, "I was a devout Presbyterian".
St. Peter says, "Excellent! Then go to door 10, but when you pass door number 2, be very quiet."
He then asks the second man, "When you were on Earth, what denomination were you?"
The second man replies, "I was the pastor of my Methodist church!"
St. Peter says, "Wonderful! Make your way to door 6, but when you pass door 2, be very quiet."
St. Peter asks the last man, "What denomination were you on Earth?"
The man says, "I was Lutheran. Part of the Missouri Synod."
St. Peter says, "You know the drill. Go to door 12, but be very quiet when you pass door 2."
The last man says, "Why is it we need to be so quiet when we go past door 2?"
St. Peter replies, "Because that's where the Catholics are and they think they're the only ones here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehl515/three_men_die_and_go_to_heaven_st_peter_meets/
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Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”
With a bang, she’s gone.
The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”
She also disappears immediately.
The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”
St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.
“Sara Pipalini,” replies the old spinster.
St Peter shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The old woman then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says: “No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehl4bp/three_old_spinsters_die_and_go_to_heaven_and_at/
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There once was a guy named Dave,

Who dug up a whore from a grave.
She was moldy and sh1tty,
And only had one titty
But look at the money he saved!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehl15c/there_once_was_a_guy_named_dave/
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A couple is anxiously waiting to hear the results of a medical test for their unborn child. The doctor says: "I will start with the good news;

Your child will always find a parking space."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehl03t/a_couple_is_anxiously_waiting_to_hear_the_results/
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Why is santa Claus a man?

Because no women will wear the same dress every year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehkwj4/why_is_santa_claus_a_man/
%
What happens when a frog parks illegally

It gets toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehkpv4/what_happens_when_a_frog_parks_illegally/
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I don't know where home is, I have no escape, and I've lost control.

Damn, I've got to replace this keyboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehknku/i_dont_know_where_home_is_i_have_no_escape_and/
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The ground floor toilets were out of order. So I had to use the ones on the floor above.

That was some next level shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehkn14/the_ground_floor_toilets_were_out_of_order_so_i/
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Which vegetable might you find in your basement?

Cellar-y!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehkegf/which_vegetable_might_you_find_in_your_basement/
%
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehjp0u/a_nurse_a_doctor_and_an_antivaxxer_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Thanks for helping me understand the word "myriad"

It means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehjix3/thanks_for_helping_me_understand_the_word_myriad/
%
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehjdab/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_a_wall/
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I’m on a whiskey diet

I’ve already lost three days already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehj8zr/im_on_a_whiskey_diet/
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It was 20 years ago today...

When my friend John came out the room with tears down his face yelling "It's a boy! It's a boy!'
We never went back to Thailand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehj3wi/it_was_20_years_ago_today/
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[OC] My mother has been tracking this mosquito for a while...

When it finally landed, she smacked it and exclaimed, “HA!
GOTCHA YOU MOTHERSUCKER!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehj1ac/oc_my_mother_has_been_tracking_this_mosquito_for/
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A circle is talking to a square.

The circle says: “I only have one side.”
The square then responds with: “What’s your point?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehj0s7/a_circle_is_talking_to_a_square/
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My mailman had a sex change recently...

Guess you can call them post man now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehj0gz/my_mailman_had_a_sex_change_recently/
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An engineer and a doctor fell in love with the same girl. The doctor gave her a rose on her birthday. What did the engineer give her

An Apple cause an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehiz7y/an_engineer_and_a_doctor_fell_in_love_with_the/
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So every Friday night this one bar in town gets a big crowd of VERY drunk people.

So knowing that people drink and drive from this bar a cop waits across the street to catch people. So 15 minutes before last call a guy walks out from the bar stumbling and falling over on his way to his car. The cop sees this and also sees him take about 2 minutes just to get his key in the ignition. So the guy pulls away from the bar and the cop follows him and pulls him over about 2 minutes from the bar. So the cop goes up to his window and asked him for his license and registration and to get out for a field sobriety test, as this was all happening everyone else from the bar left. As the cop preformed the test it became clear this man completely sober and asked how. And the guy told the cop “oh ya, tonight was my turn to be the designated decoy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehixgc/so_every_friday_night_this_one_bar_in_town_gets_a/
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"Ohhh man...!!" she moaned. "Give it to me now... I'm so freaking wet, give it to me now!"

She could moan all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehio2s/ohhh_man_she_moaned_give_it_to_me_now_im_so/
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If people from Mandalore are Mandalorians,

Are people from Bangalore called Bangalorians?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehig40/if_people_from_mandalore_are_mandalorians/
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My taxi driver asked me what I did for a living.

Me: work as a web developer and also part time as a graphic designer.
Driver: I don't like working for anyone, I like to be my own boss.
Me: that's cool, turn left ahead after the signal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehiek5/my_taxi_driver_asked_me_what_i_did_for_a_living/
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So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?

Must be Nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehi9sn/so_you_live_in_the_seventh_most_populous_city_in/
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How can you say a person is not vegan

Well, they don’t tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehi6cy/how_can_you_say_a_person_is_not_vegan/
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A man was doing a crossword.

Stuck on a word, he asked his wife,
"What's a four letter word, ending in '-unt' , used for a woman?".
"Aunt" she replied.
"Good guess" , the husband replied "By the way, can you hand me an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehi60u/a_man_was_doing_a_crossword/
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Why did the condom fly across the room??

It got pissed off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehi545/why_did_the_condom_fly_across_the_room/
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What's the most important part of a heavy metal band?

The lead singer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehhkfc/whats_the_most_important_part_of_a_heavy_metal/
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I just ordered a chicken and an egg off amazon

I’ll let you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehhjzw/i_just_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_off_amazon/
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What do you call going to the bathroom at Midnight?

Shhhhhhhhitting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehhexc/what_do_you_call_going_to_the_bathroom_at_midnight/
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I'm into group sex, but often confuse the names of the women.

Nvm, Sharon is Karen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehhcl5/im_into_group_sex_but_often_confuse_the_names_of/
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(NSFW) What did Andy's wife say after she finally agreed to a threesome?

You got a friend in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehh9pu/nsfw_what_did_andys_wife_say_after_she_finally/
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What did sushi A say to sushi B?

Wassa-b!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehh3x8/what_did_sushi_a_say_to_sushi_b/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehh1tn/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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On my Australian citizenship application, I was asked if I had a criminal record.

I asked if that was still required.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehgpa8/on_my_australian_citizenship_application_i_was/
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Where do poor Italians live?

# In the Spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehgoum/where_do_poor_italians_live/
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What did the sneaker say when it sneezed?

A shoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehglz1/what_did_the_sneaker_say_when_it_sneezed/
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Why did the elf go to kindergarten?

To learn the elf-a-bet!
I just overheard my 5yo tell this to his older brother. He made sure to add emphasis to "elf-a-bet", in case his brother didn't get it. Not sure where he heard this - it came out of the blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehgj74/why_did_the_elf_go_to_kindergarten/
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Anti-Vaxxer moms are the true unsung angels.

They are the key for solving overpopulation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehgj1n/antivaxxer_moms_are_the_true_unsung_angels/
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A nun and her friend are walking down the street late one night...

...when suddenly Dracula steps out of the shadows and stands in front of them, staring menacingly.
“Oh my God, it’s Dracula! What should we do?” says the nun.
“Quick, show him your cross!” says her friend.
“Good idea” says the nun. She quickly walks towards Dracula and shouts “Hey! Get out of our way, you fucking douchebag! Can’t you see we’re walking here?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehg8sh/a_nun_and_her_friend_are_walking_down_the_street/
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Finally the penis enlargement kit I ordered arrived

I opened the box all that was inside was a magnifying glass. The directions said, don’t use in direct sunlight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehg8j5/finally_the_penis_enlargement_kit_i_ordered/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer

I don’t know what they’ve been laced with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehg5e7/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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What do you call a blind German?

A Not See

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehfxrl/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
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Dear Microsoft:

If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google.
What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehfwgi/dear_microsoft/
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Three vampires walk into a bar

Bartender asks "What can I get ya?"
The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary."
Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks."
On the third's turn he orders "Hot water."
Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?"
To which the third vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and answers,
"I'm just going to make some tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehfobk/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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A man is watching TV and starts yelling.

"Stop! Don't do it! No!"
His wife yells, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehfcht/a_man_is_watching_tv_and_starts_yelling/
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What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger bread man.
Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehf7mz/what_do_you_call_an_irish_baker/
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Two friends are driving together in a car when the driver runs a red light

“what the hell is your problem? The light was red!” says the passenger.
The driver calmly responded, “Don’t worry about it. My brother does it all the time!”
They continue driving for another minute when they approach another red light. The driver runs through it without hesitation.
Again!??! You’re going to get us killing!!” says the passenger!
“Don’t worry about it. My brother does it all the time!”
They approach a third red light and again, with no hesitation, the driver runs though it!
The passenger begins screaming at the driver to let him out of the vehicle. They are quickly approaching another intersection and the driver slams on his brakes!
“what is your problem now? Why did you stop? The light is green!”
The driver responded...
“Are you dumb? My brother might be driving through here. Are you trying to get us killed?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehf3fz/two_friends_are_driving_together_in_a_car_when/
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Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate..!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eheuzj/aussie_helpline/
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What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?

Oh sheet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehej2t/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_of_the_bed/
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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eheih4/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
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Why can't lesbians diet and wear makeup at the same time?

Can't eat Jenny Craig while Mary K is on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eheh8s/why_cant_lesbians_diet_and_wear_makeup_at_the/
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Last weekend my wifey asked me to bring her to one of those restaurants where they prepare food in front of you...

... so i brought her to Subway ... since then she hasn’t spoken to me 😥

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehe8t3/last_weekend_my_wifey_asked_me_to_bring_her_to/
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One dark & misty night two hungry vampire bats are planning their next meal...

One says "Let's split up and meet back here in twenty minutes, and see who's found the best place to dine this evening."
Twenty minutes later they're back together to share what they've discovered.
The first says "No joy here. Nothing doing with me- but, it seems you've had more luck- where did you go?"
The second whose face is absolutely dripping with blood answers "Do you see that big tree in the cows' field down there?" The first one peers through the mist, then nods hopefully...
"Well..." says the second "...I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehe1v6/one_dark_misty_night_two_hungry_vampire_bats_are/
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My cousin lost his job at the watch factory last week...

He just stood around all day, making faces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehe1c6/my_cousin_lost_his_job_at_the_watch_factory_last/
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What do you call a bisexual man who only does anal on 1 gender?

Bi-assed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehdpib/what_do_you_call_a_bisexual_man_who_only_does/
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Before 2019 ends be sure to lift your left leg

That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehdjlv/before_2019_ends_be_sure_to_lift_your_left_leg/
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Why does Tinkerbell never wear trousers?

She Peter Pans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehdhk5/why_does_tinkerbell_never_wear_trousers/
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Did you hear about the spy who shit his pants by the end of his mission?

He had to debrief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehdcpf/did_you_hear_about_the_spy_who_shit_his_pants_by/
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So two aliens crash land on Earth... (long)

They stumble out of their broken ship, the little alien is worried, but the big alien says,
"Don't worry. There's some one right over there!!!" And the big alien points to a gas station.
They walk over and, since this was their first time on Earth, approach the gas pump and smile as kind as they can.
"Excuse me," the big alien starts "we crash landed. We come in peace, is there anyway we can get some help?"
The little alien was nervous "don't talk to him, I'm telling you!!" He urged, but the big alien didnt listen.
"Sorry, maybe you didnt hear me? I was wondering if we could get some help? We'll be out of your hair soon."
Once again. The gas pump didn't answer. And once again, the little alien pleaded with the bigger one.
"I'm telling you!! Dont mess with him!!"
The big alien, caught between the unresponsive "earthling", the nervous, clingy small alien, and the stress of crashing millions of miles from home, had become noticably more frustrated now. He pulled out his laser gun, and aimed it at the gas pump.
"I'll give you one last try! Will you help us, or not?!"
The little alien covered his eyes, and once again, the gas pump did not answer.
With a fit of rage, he fired the laser, and as you would expect. A huge explosion flung the two aliens back.
After they both came too, the big alien picked himself off the ground, and went to help the little alien.
"I told you he was dangerous!!"
"...how? How did you know he was dangerous...?"
The little alien looked back to the flames of what once was the only gas station for miles.
"Anybody that can take their dick out, wrap it around their arm twice, and hook it on their shoulder is NEVER to be messed with..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehdb9t/so_two_aliens_crash_land_on_earth_long/
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How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?

They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
^^^^First ^^^^gold ^^^^for ^^^^this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehd834/how_does_a_werewolf_make_bechamel_sauce/
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What do you call a one-night stand?

Humpty Dumpty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehd4ts/what_do_you_call_a_onenight_stand/
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Why did pepper go to jail?

A salt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehcqtg/why_did_pepper_go_to_jail/
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[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

**Doctor:** OK plug him back in now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehclza/playing_7_minutes_in_heaven/
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A woman walks into a Tackle shop

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.  She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.  There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.  She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says , "Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.  He said "That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00." She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register.  And in the meantime the woman farts.  At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehcj6d/a_woman_walks_into_a_tackle_shop/
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What do you call an heirloom vape pen?

A family Juul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehcgtg/what_do_you_call_an_heirloom_vape_pen/
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A powerlifter recently set the world record for bench press after losing it a year ago. When asked how he felt after regaining his title, he said

“It’s a huge weight off my chest.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehceyt/a_powerlifter_recently_set_the_world_record_for/
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How do you hide an elephant in an apple tree?

Paint his balls red
How did Tarzan die?
Picking apples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehcea1/how_do_you_hide_an_elephant_in_an_apple_tree/
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When you die, which body part dies last?

The pupils, they dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehc4xc/when_you_die_which_body_part_dies_last/
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What do we want? Time Travel. When do we want it?

It's irrelevant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehc3ws/what_do_we_want_time_travel_when_do_we_want_it/
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What do you call a church-owned catapult?

A nunchuck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehbz5b/what_do_you_call_a_churchowned_catapult/
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What has four letters, sometimes has nine, but never has five?

Woops meant to use a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehbybf/what_has_four_letters_sometimes_has_nine_but/
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I'm fucking awesome,

Well, my wife is awesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehbvug/im_fucking_awesome/
%
| don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.
But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or
else people will think you're being irrational. But
that is beside the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehbulo/dont_understand_why_some_people_use_fractions/
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I threw a boomerang a few years back

I almost forgot, but now it’s coming back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehbrbb/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_back/
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How do you know you've reached the end of Scandinavia?

Because of the Finnish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehbaz5/how_do_you_know_youve_reached_the_end_of/
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*Air horn sound*

\*Second air horn sound*
Me: This isn't deodorant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehbanc/air_horn_sound/
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I sexually identify as a vacuum

Because my life sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehb8nz/i_sexually_identify_as_a_vacuum/
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Why is Deutschland like a sprouting seed?

They're both a germination!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehb5me/why_is_deutschland_like_a_sprouting_seed/
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I hate being bi-polar

It’s awesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehb2ih/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
What happened when 30 got hungry?

38

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehazuv/what_happened_when_30_got_hungry/
%
Kevin Hart is so short...

He goes up on his wife!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehaz08/kevin_hart_is_so_short/
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I can’t wait to get a girlfriend this year like that motivational quote on Facebook said

I just hope that this year my van will be able to outrun them this time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehavwy/i_cant_wait_to_get_a_girlfriend_this_year_like/
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My wife and I are into S & M

She sleeps and I masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehaucy/my_wife_and_i_are_into_s_m/
%
I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

I now live in constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehan6k/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
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There's this old couple, and every morning as he wakes up, the man lets out an unbelievably loud fart in bed.

The wife has been putting up with this for years, and is very annoyed by it. She keeps telling him, "One day, you're going to fart your guts out." The man laughs it off and continues to wake his wife up with a fart every morning. Then, Thanksgiving rolls around. The wife gets up early to prepare the turkey, and as she's pulling the giblets out, gets an idea. She sneaks into the bedroom, and puts the giblets in the man's pants as he sleeps. A little while later, she hears his characteristic flatulence, followed by a scream. A few minutes pass. She waits in the kitchen, laughing at her own clever prank. The man, looking very flustered, walks in. She asks, "What happened? Did you finally fart your guts out?" The man replies, "Yeah, but by the grace of God and these two fingers, I got them all back in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehamvy/theres_this_old_couple_and_every_morning_as_he/
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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at ?

IHOP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehaihv/if_girls_with_big_boobs_work_at_hooters_where_do/
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I was offered a deer in exchange for sex.

I’d say that’s a real bang for your buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehahft/i_was_offered_a_deer_in_exchange_for_sex/
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A little Boy and his Grandpa are walking in the Garden...

A little boy and his grandpa are walking in the garden when the boy sees a worm on the lawn. ‘Grandpa,' he says, I bet you $5 I can stick that worm back down its hole.' ‘That's impossible,’ replies Grandpa. It’s too soft and wiggly to push back in the ground.' The little boy runs inside, gets a can of hair lacquer, sprays the worm until it's as stiff as a rod, then pokes it in the damp earth. Seeing this, Grandpa grabs the spray can and runs inside the house. Fifteen minutes later he comes back with a smile on his face and gives the little boy $10. ‘The bet was only for $5,' says the boy. ‘I know,' replies grandpa. ‘But grandma chipped in as well.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ehaaee/a_little_boy_and_his_grandpa_are_walking_in_the/
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I'll let you know!

I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon,  I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh9zc5/ill_let_you_know/
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Why photographers make the best girlfriends?

They like when you shoot raw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh9yij/why_photographers_make_the_best_girlfriends/
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A woman is feeling confident so she goes to a bar by herself one night...

She sits down and buys herself a drink, a little timid but looking around to see if they are any attractive men. After a little while (and 3 vodka red bulls) she sees a man walk in and also sit down by himself. Feeling good, she walks over, sits down, and introduces herself.
She and the man chat for a bit, and he’s engaged in the conversation, but also seems distant and aloof at times. He’s missing several hints that she’s into him. Finally, full of courage, she blurts out the only foolproof line she knows: “So, I’ve heard all men’s dicks bend in a certain direction. What about yours?”
The man sighs, “Right now? Downward. But I’m hoping that’ll change if I can catch the eye of that that hot guy on the other side of the bar you’ve been cockblocking me from for the last half hour.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh9xab/a_woman_is_feeling_confident_so_she_goes_to_a_bar/
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What does a Snoop Dogg imposter say?

Faux shizzle my nizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh9tae/what_does_a_snoop_dogg_imposter_say/
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I'm working on a joke about road construction.

Give me a few months to lay it all out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh9r6m/im_working_on_a_joke_about_road_construction/
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Facelift

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.  She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.  On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.  As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.  He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."  There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh9nlx/facelift/
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What’s the difference between your dog and your wife

You can lock both in a hot cars trunk for 6 hours and
your dog will be happy to see you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh9dww/whats_the_difference_between_your_dog_and_your/
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People say Benjamin Button jokes are dead.

But, honestly, they never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh94zm/people_say_benjamin_button_jokes_are_dead/
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They say smoking causes cancer

But it cures salmon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh8pu0/they_say_smoking_causes_cancer/
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How does a penguin build his house?

Igloos it together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh8in2/how_does_a_penguin_build_his_house/
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Why is it so hard to keep a farmer in jail?

Because they always make bale!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh8fww/why_is_it_so_hard_to_keep_a_farmer_in_jail/
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I was going to make a chemistry joke, but since I'm old to this sub...

... I don't have any Neons...
... and all the good ones Argon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh88gy/i_was_going_to_make_a_chemistry_joke_but_since_im/
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Dad: I haven't showered since last year

Me: You're too early, it's not 2020 yet!
Dad: Does that make a difference?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh838n/dad_i_havent_showered_since_last_year/
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Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of all their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh82uv/why_does_the_norway_navy_have_barcodes_on_the/
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NSFW To True

Why are women and condoms so similar
Because they both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh7r5c/nsfw_to_true/
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Christmas Hangover

Henry woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a fantastic headache, cotton-mouthed and completely unable to recall the events of the night before.
He made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. 'Olivia,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'
'No, it was worse,' she said, her voice full of scorn. ‘You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors, and you insulted the company president, right to his face.’
‘He’s an arsehole,’ Henry said. ‘Piss on him.’
‘You did,’ she replied. ‘And then he fired you.’
‘Well, fuck him!’ said Henry.
‘I did. You’re back at work on Monday.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh7q9e/christmas_hangover/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph...because it’s not a full essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh7j43/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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What kind of dog can unlock all of your doors?

Yorkies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh7eog/what_kind_of_dog_can_unlock_all_of_your_doors/
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If you go in for surgery now the anesthesiologist will offer to knock you out with gas or hit you over the head with a boat paddle.

It’s an ether/oar situation
(Ether is the name of the gas used)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh7934/if_you_go_in_for_surgery_now_the_anesthesiologist/
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Pun enters a room and kills ten people

Pun in, ten dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh78f5/pun_enters_a_room_and_kills_ten_people/
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Genders are just like the twin towers...

There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh76i8/genders_are_just_like_the_twin_towers/
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Why did the stocking take a break from Christmas this year?

He needed to work on his mantel health.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh74r6/why_did_the_stocking_take_a_break_from_christmas/
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How does a French masochist get even more pain?

He goes to the bakery again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh701n/how_does_a_french_masochist_get_even_more_pain/
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It's the end of the 2016 presidential race

and the people of the United States hated the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the White House and the person with the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being ad sold as he is, he takes about 24 minutes. Trump goes next and arrives with a time of 14:26. Hillary Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can, trampling the flowers and shrubs in her way in an effort to beat Trump's time. She finally crosses the finish line at just under ten minutes.
"Aha!" She exclaims, "That must be some kind of record!"
"I don't think so," says Obama, "Bush did 9:11"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh6yvk/its_the_end_of_the_2016_presidential_race/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
Yura
Yura who?
Yura great person and i hope you have a great 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh6xfk/knock_knock/
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Starting to think all girls are bisexual

Everytime I try and ask one about sex they just say bye and walk away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh6w36/starting_to_think_all_girls_are_bisexual/
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My wife gets mad when I lick the bowl

"Knock it off! The kids are watching you for God's sake...
... Just flush it like a normal person!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh6vvy/my_wife_gets_mad_when_i_lick_the_bowl/
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The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.

I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh6thc/the_supermarket_cashier_asked_if_i_wanted_to/
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?

He stays up wondering if there really is a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh6kt5/what_does_a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac_do_at/
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2 Hilbillies

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?” The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t never seed nobody do it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh6kqa/2_hilbillies/
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Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh6irg/heisenberg_was_speeding_down_the_highway_a_cop/
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Jokes

Here's some jokes for you to read if you're bored or want something to make you laugh. (  your laughter is not guaranteed,  these jokes might make you so done with life that you don't even want live anymore)
how do you spell COW in thirteen letters?
-SEE O DOUBLE YOU
(  C ) ( O ) (      W      )
what is the most curious letter?
-Y
what letter has the most water in it?
-C
What letter is u?
-I
What letter do people say when they are hyped?
-Aaaaaa
What time do tennis players wake up?
-Ten-ish
What do vampires like to play in their free time?
-Bat-minton
Why was the ocean arrested?
-Because it beat upon the shore
why was the belt arrested?
-For holding up a pair of pants
What has many keys but can't open a door?
-Paino
When you bath a baby , why do mum test the water before putting her son in?
-To prevent son-burn (sun burn)
how to cows count?
-They use a cow'nter
when is music like vegetable?
-When theres two beats to the measure.
why did the batminton players got kicked out of the resturant?
-Because  they cause too much of a racquet
what did Obama said to Michelle when he proposed to her?
-Pls marry me , i dont want to be
O-ba-ma-self
what did the wave said when it passed by?
-Nothing it just waved
Whats on the menu?
-Me , n , u ( me and you)
what did the sea monster do when it gets angry?
-It causes a com-ocean ( commontion)
what songs do dads like to hear
-Pop songs
Why did frosty the snowman ask for a divorce?
-Because his wife was a total flake
what do you call it when you walked into a spider web?
-Free karate lessons
why isn't the moon a good vacation destination?
-It lacks atmosphere
how do you make a strawberry shake?
-Tell it a scary story
where do cows go to dance?
-A meatball
who is the most powerful father?
-Godfather
what do you call an investment in marketing?
-An adventure ( get it? Ad-venture)
when are eyes not eyes?
-When the wind makes them water
how do chiropractors swim laps?
-When they do the back stroke
how do you clean a dirty tuba?
-With a tuba toothpaste
did you hear about the soilder who bought a camouflage sleeping bag?
-He cant find it
why dont zombies eat their popcorn with their fingers?
-They prefer to eat their fingers separately
what do japanese people wear to bed?
-Tea-shirt
i scream
You scream
We all scream
For what?
-Ice cream
What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?
-The letter "m".
What room do ghosts avoid?
-The living room
What belongs to you, but other people use it more than you?
-Your name.
What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
-Charcoal.
I am not alive, but I grow,  I don't have lungs, but I need air; I don't have a mouth, but water kills me. What am I?
-Fire.
You have me today,Tomorrow you'll have more;As your time passes,I'm not easy to store;I don't take up space,But I'm only in one place, I am what you saw,But not what you see.What am I
-Memories
How do you spell candy in 2 letters?
-c and y c(and)y.
What goes up but never comes down?
-Age.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked up in the sky?
-Looks like rain dear.
How do you make the number 7 an even number without addition, subtraction, multiplication or division?
-Drop the "S".
I am full of holes but I can still hold water.What am I?
-A sponge!
Always in you sometimes on you, if I surround you, I can kill you ,What am I?
-Water.
When is a doctor most annoyed?
-When he is out of patients.
Which part of a road do Ghost's love to travel the most?
-The Dead End.
I can be cracked, I can be made. I can be told, I can be played. What am I?
-A Joke!
Why is Santa so good at Karate?
-Because he has a black belt.
what song can you hear in space?
-Nep-tune
Why did the laptop get glasses?
-to improve its webSITE
Where do cows go for entertainment
-the moo-vies
Where do sheep go for haircut?
-the baaa baaa shop
When do you stop on green and go on red?
-While eating a watermelon ( even tho some people eat the green part,  but you get what I mean)
Why are ghosts such bad liars?
-Because you can see through them
What do you call a bear with no ears?
-B
What type of songs do rabbits like?
-hip hop
Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
- A bunny-moon
Why keyboards don't sleep?
-because they have two shifts
What did the couch say to the other couch at the other side of the room?
- we are sofa apart ( its sofa king funny)
(See what I did there?)
What would a car look like if Apple made it?
-without windows
What did a drunk woman say to the man at the bar?
-Alcohol you later
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
-USB
Why does bees have sticky hair?
-Because they use a honeycomb
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?
-Vitamin see
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
-piiig
What do you call a can opener that's broken?
-A can't opener
What friends should you always take out for dinner?
-your taste buds
What do you call a wolf who has things figure out?
-aware wolf
Why is the stadium so cold?
- because it has alot of fans
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
- an investigator
Hey,  did you hear about the kidnapping?
- don't worry,  he woke up
What did the spoon say to the knife?
- have a knife day!  Then the knife replied: "see you spoon"
Why was the king only a foot tall?
-Because he's a ruler
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?
- he pastaway
Yesterday a clown held the door for me
- it was a nice jester
What is it called when a short person waves at you?
- A MICROwave (rip me)
What do you call a fake noodle?
-impasta
He dropped his phone but it didn't hit the ground?  How come?
- it was on airplane mode
What do you call it when you put a watch on a belt?
- A WAIST of time
Do you want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?
-Nevermind ,  its tearable
What do you call a popular lobster?
- A lobSTAR
The first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?
-it was cooked in Greece
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
- A depresso
I'm going to stand outside,  so if anyone ask
- I'm outstanding
What do you call a diet where every time you see food ,  you'll eat it?
- A seafood diet
Why does a bee get married?
- because he found his honey
What do you call an ice cream that parties too hard?
- out of CONEtrol
What do you call a bee that's just learning?
- A beeginning
You shouldn't kiss anyone on January 1st?
- because its only the first date
What did the wall say to the other wall?
- we'll meet at the corner
I'm so poor
-I can't even pay attention
I have this chemical joke
-its sodium funny
I was going to tell you a chemistry joke
But I know i won't get a REACTION.
Do you know what the pie said as it was leaving?
-Piece out!
My sister is crying,  I guess you can say she's having a CRISIS
I would tell you a joke about construction
- but I'm still working on it
Its the inside that matters not the outside
Really? Give me an example
-A refrigerator
Do you know why you shouldn't be sad?
- because sad spelled backwards is das and das not good
What is an Anton favorite pick up line?
-I got my ION on you
Which is your favourite joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh6gst/jokes/
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A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh6b5z/a_jumper_cable_walks_into_a_bar/
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I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now

they are a non-prophet organization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh6axo/i_heard_the_atheists_are_trying_to_get_tax_exempt/
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Today, somebody took the time to explain to me the definition of myriad

It means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh6398/today_somebody_took_the_time_to_explain_to_me_the/
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Which of King Arthur's knights built the Round Table ?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh5p21/which_of_king_arthurs_knights_built_the_round/
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I took a dump in the bushes because the only toilet available was charging $0.10 to enter

I ain't paying for that shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh5oya/i_took_a_dump_in_the_bushes_because_the_only/
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I gave up my seat in the bus to a blind old lady

That's how I lost my job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh5ggv/i_gave_up_my_seat_in_the_bus_to_a_blind_old_lady/
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Ivan Pavlov walks into a bar...

The bell rings, and he says, “Oh shit, forgot to feed my dog!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh5dos/ivan_pavlov_walks_into_a_bar/
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My three favorite things are...

Eating my family and not using commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh5db0/my_three_favorite_things_are/
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My friend asked me what the name of that famous ice cube movie was.

I replied, "Titanic?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh57oz/my_friend_asked_me_what_the_name_of_that_famous/
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My grandma said that we people are too much reliant on technology.

I called her a hypocrite and unplugged her life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh534v/my_grandma_said_that_we_people_are_too_much/
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The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision ...

... I can't wait to see them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh4oel/the_year_2020_is_going_to_be_filled_with_so_many/
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Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh4n6d/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
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To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.

In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh4gp3/to_save_money_i_made_myself_a_pair_of_glasses_out/
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They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut

They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh4di3/they_just_discovered_an_egyptian_tomb_filled_with/
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So a wealthy ancient Egyptian was approached by the Pharaoh's messenger asking for funding for their rulers tomb. He replied,

"it seems likes its just a pyramid scheme"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh497d/so_a_wealthy_ancient_egyptian_was_approached_by/
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A man went to prison

On his first night in his cell block he heard other inmates shout what seemed like random numbers, and everyone started laughing. This went on for a while but he couldn't make sense of it
The next day he asked another inmate:
- What's with all the numbers they shouted last night? Why were you guys laughing?
- Some of us have been here for a long time and decided to number our jokes so we don't have to tell the whole thing every time, everyone knows which ones are which. You'll learn!
At night a few days later he decided to partake. He waited for a lull in the laughter and shouted "eighty-five"!
The whole place went crazy! People were crying with laughter, some even fainted!
Confused with the reaction, he asked the guy in the next cell:
- What the hell just happened?
Still giggling the inmate answered:
- You're a funny guy, we never heard that one before!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh48sa/a_man_went_to_prison/
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I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen. "Dave…" shouted my wife.

"Come away from the pond."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh48gj/i_found_a_mass_grave_today_full_of_dead_snowmen/
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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.
She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh42qp/my_wife_caught_me_pissing_in_the_kitchen_sink_and/
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Damn girl, are you the element symbols of copper and tellurium?

cause you CuTe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh3xfe/damn_girl_are_you_the_element_symbols_of_copper/
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My books fell and hit me on the head...

I only have my shelf to blame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh3ubf/my_books_fell_and_hit_me_on_the_head/
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Two birds were sitting on a perch...

The first bird said to the second "Do you smell fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh3u3h/two_birds_were_sitting_on_a_perch/
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How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh3qld/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
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My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday...

... I didn’t like it at first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh3ok7/my_parents_made_me_go_to_stockholm_with_them_on/
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What's Gordon Ramsays favourite Movie ?

It's fucking FROZEN!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh36kd/whats_gordon_ramsays_favourite_movie/
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A security guard and a midnight shift

This is a joke my father told me long ago.  I probably don't have it word for word, but this is basically how it goes.
So it's midnight and this security guard is making his usual rounds outside some warehouse when all of a sudden, he sees a shadowy figure exit the building. The guard approaches to investigate and sees that it is a man with a bag. The guard calls to the man and asks him to reveal the contents of the bag. The man cooperates, and the guard sees that it is empty. He lets the man go.
Midnight that next day, the guard is patroling. Again, he sees a shadowy figure, approaches it, and sees the same guy with a bag. He asks him to open it, and it is empty, so he is allowed to leave. This goes on for days, then weeks, and months, which eventually become years.
The guard ends up retiring and goes to the park one sunny afternoon. He looks for a bench to sit, and to his surprise, he sees the "midnight man". The now-retired guard approaches him and asks if he could sit with him and the man says yes. They do some small talk, and after a while the guard says,
"For years I've been working at that warehouse making sure that nothing gets stolen and I always saw you in the area with a bag. I knew you had to have been stealing something, but could never figure out what you stole.  Could you please let me know what it was? I swear i won't tell. I'm retired after all. All this time, I have been curious and need to put my mind at ease. "
The man says to the guard,
"Oh, I was stealing bags."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh33fw/a_security_guard_and_a_midnight_shift/
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I lost my job in the abacus factory.

They said all my hard work was counter-productive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh2oqu/i_lost_my_job_in_the_abacus_factory/
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My wife just told me she was going to donate some of her clothes to the needy

I told her anybody who could fit in her clothes definitely isn’t very needy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh2n3q/my_wife_just_told_me_she_was_going_to_donate_some/
%
What I really think

When I see lovers’ carve their names in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet. I just think  it’s surprising how many people bring knives on dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh275d/what_i_really_think/
%
My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.

And I'll fucking do it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh1zt3/my_13_year_old_son_was_attacked_for_being_white/
%
There was a man named John Odd

There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name.
People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife "The Odd couple", named him "The Odd man out" wherever he went, all that.
So he's getting older and writes out his will. And in the will he says when he dies he doesn't want his name on the gravestone. He just wants to be buried in an unmarked grave with a plain headstone, no name, nothing.
So he dies, and his wife respects his wishes. So there he is, in his unmarked grave, but everytime someone walks by the cemetery and sees the unmarked grave they say, "Look, isn't that Odd?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh1tql/there_was_a_man_named_john_odd/
%
What do you call a street full of potholes and ice cream?

Rocky Road

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh1tno/what_do_you_call_a_street_full_of_potholes_and/
%
dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh1qay/dr_we_had_to_remove_your_colon/
%
A customer at work told me this the other day, thought I'd share!

A husband and wife have been married for about 50 years. And every year, a carnival comes to town where they have rides, games, and a pilot who offers rides for $10! Now, every year, the husband asks his wife if she'd like to do it. Her response is always, "no, because even though it's not that much money, 10 dollars is still 10 dollars."
One year, they came to carnival to have the exact same conversation. Only this time, the pilot is standing behind them listening in. He comes up with an idea. He tells the couple, "I'll tell you what. Your ride will be free, as long as neither of you make any noise!" The couple agreed and got in the plane. As the pilot soars into the sky, he does every trick he can think up! Spins, dives, twists, you name it! The pilot is surprised when the couple doesn't make a sound... So he does it again, with extra loops and double spins! But still, not a peep. The pilot was impressed that they were able to stay quiet that entire time!
When the pilot starts to land, he asks the husband, "How did you guys do it? I used every trick in the world, I thought you would surely make at least a little peep!" The husband replies, "Well, my wife fell out of the plane on the first spin. But hey, 10 dollars is 10 dollars!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh1noq/a_customer_at_work_told_me_this_the_other_day/
%
What do you call an American kid who skipped school?

Alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh1h57/what_do_you_call_an_american_kid_who_skipped/
%
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell because she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh1fl4/what_do_you_do_when_a_blonde_throws_a_pin_at_you/
%
What do you get when your dad is an abusive alcoholic?

Laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh1bq9/what_do_you_get_when_your_dad_is_an_abusive/
%
A copy of 'Oliver Twist' fell off the shelf and hit me on the head.

It hurts like the Dickens!
< source: LOL Cats>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh1bb9/a_copy_of_oliver_twist_fell_off_the_shelf_and_hit/
%
What’s the best Harry Potter riddle?

Tom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh16tv/whats_the_best_harry_potter_riddle/
%
I pooped on an elevator

I took that shit to another level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh10b2/i_pooped_on_an_elevator/
%
Doctor: We had to remove your colon

Me Why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh0z9r/doctor_we_had_to_remove_your_colon/
%
So a logistical proffesor moves in to the neigborhood

This guy Chuck goes over to his neighbor, who’s just moved in.
Chuck asks the guy what he does for work
The other guy says he’s a professor of logic at a university.
Chuck says “What do you teach?”
“I’m a professor of logic.”
“What do you mean by that?”
And the professor goes “Let me give you an example. Do you have a doghouse?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Well, then I’d assume you have a dog.”
“Yeah.”
“so i'll assume you have kids to”
“I do have kids. Two of ‘em actually.”
“Alright, you got kids. That usually means you’re married to a woman"
“Yeah, I’m married to a woman."
“So by using logic Im able to deduse your a heterosexual male”
Chuck just goes, “Wow! That’s unbelievable.” And he leaves, impressed.
The next day chuck starts making small talk at the bus stop.
Chuck tells the guy next to him that his neigbor is a logistics proffesor at the univeristy of science.
The guy goes " well whats that."
"Well its kinda hard to explain so I'll just show you."
"Ok"
“You have a doghouse?”
“No.”
“So logically your a faggot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh0yx4/so_a_logistical_proffesor_moves_in_to_the/
%
Why was 6 afraid that 7 8 9?

Because 6 and 9 were in a realationship.
credit to u/i_harry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh0qdw/why_was_6_afraid_that_7_8_9/
%
NSFW : What does the mafia and vagina have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh0nbg/nsfw_what_does_the_mafia_and_vagina_have_in_common/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a priest, a rabbi, a horse, Dave, an infinite number of mathematicians, and the bus driver all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh0m37/an_englishman_an_irishman_a_scotsman_a_priest_a/
%
What measurement of fluid rules them all?

The liter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh0i42/what_measurement_of_fluid_rules_them_all/
%
Did you hear about the guy who married the USB drive?

It was love at first byte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh0h84/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_married_the_usb/
%
A man asks God, 'why did you make women so beautiful?' God answers, "so you would love her." He then asks, 'but why did you make her so dumb?'

God replies, "so she would love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh0ecc/a_man_asks_god_why_did_you_make_women_so/
%
I donated $50,000 to a charity for mute children.

They didn't even say thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh0awv/i_donated_50000_to_a_charity_for_mute_children/
%
What does a chatty caterpillar become?

A social butterfly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh09jf/what_does_a_chatty_caterpillar_become/
%
I walked into an adoption center today

The lady at the front said “I can’t believe it’s you , I haven’t saw you since you were a baby!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh08py/i_walked_into_an_adoption_center_today/
%
How do sea animals communicate?

With shellphones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh04u1/how_do_sea_animals_communicate/
%
What do you call an abundance of dogs?

A rover load.
Courtesy of my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eh03sd/what_do_you_call_an_abundance_of_dogs/
%
Beat your kids with a phone book.

They won’t even know what hit them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egzzbh/beat_your_kids_with_a_phone_book/
%
V



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egzxts/v/
%
Why did Einstein have trouble trying his shoes?

He wasn't familiar with string theory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egzwg4/why_did_einstein_have_trouble_trying_his_shoes/
%
The Police put crime tape around the York Peppermint Patty plant

Now it's factory sealed and in mint condition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egzqdn/the_police_put_crime_tape_around_the_york/
%
The ice cream parlor asks for my order

Parlor: "Hello Sir, can I take your order?"
Me: "Yes, I'd like a male hot fudge sundae please."
Parlor: "I'm sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?"
Me: "Yes, with nuts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egzq9u/the_ice_cream_parlor_asks_for_my_order/
%
What do you call a nun who is a washing machine?

Sista Matic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egzn0q/what_do_you_call_a_nun_who_is_a_washing_machine/
%
Yo mama so fat

She fill up the bathtub before running water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egzbb7/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
The Cowboy and the Indian

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.
Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' good."
Indian is shocked...
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian has a look of total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how are you ?"
Horse: "Good."
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain."
Indian stares in utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: " Sheep is a liar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egz8ht/the_cowboy_and_the_indian/
%
What did 0 say to 8

Nice Belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egz662/what_did_0_say_to_8/
%
My grandfather told me that he got to see the Titanic and that from the beginning he told them not to get onboard because he knew it was going to sink. But no one listened and he repeatedly told them until..

He got kicked out of the movie theater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egymq6/my_grandfather_told_me_that_he_got_to_see_the/
%
What did the kid with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

Laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egyha4/what_did_the_kid_with_no_arms_and_no_legs_get_for/
%
I appreciate my yoga instructor

She really bends over backwards for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egy05t/i_appreciate_my_yoga_instructor/
%
What do you call it when you have a problem with beef?

A mis-STEAK.
(Submitted by my 10 year old.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egxxgh/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_have_a_problem_with/
%
A guy graduated from college and was interviewing for a job...

The interviewer asked ...
What do you think is your worst quality?
Honesty responded the guy
Well I don’t really think that honesty is such a bad quality responded the interviewer...
Well, i don’t really give a fuck what you think

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egxw4f/a_guy_graduated_from_college_and_was_interviewing/
%
Why did the Tiger cross the road?

To whip some Sooner ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egxtrh/why_did_the_tiger_cross_the_road/
%
Want to hear a joke?

I would tell you one but it's not my turn to repost it yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egxs33/want_to_hear_a_joke/
%
Trump chats with russians

Trump: Hey Russia, have you heard about rigma?
Russia: No, what’s rigma?
Trump: RIGMA ELECTION

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egxrzg/trump_chats_with_russians/
%
Have you ever seen uncensored episodes of Road Runner?

If you do you'll understand why they beeped him out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egxokf/have_you_ever_seen_uncensored_episodes_of_road/
%
What's the best time to go the dentist?

02:30

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egxmfx/whats_the_best_time_to_go_the_dentist/
%
So I just jumped a blind man

He never saw it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egxlut/so_i_just_jumped_a_blind_man/
%
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate.
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egxiv9/a_guy_sat_next_to_me_on_the_train_and_pulled_a/
%
What does James Bond do before going to bed?

He goes under cover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egxitx/what_does_james_bond_do_before_going_to_bed/
%
What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?

A fizzician!
I’ll see myself out
Thanks for the gold and silvers!
Happy New Years y’all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egxhk5/what_kind_of_doctor_is_dr_pepper/
%
How Many Feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick Question, Feminists cant change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egxfyo/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What’s the difference between a woman kneeling in prayer and a woman kneeling in a bathtub?

A woman kneeling in prayer has hope in her soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egx6cr/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_kneeling_in/
%
An elderly couple & a child

One day an elderly couple decided that wanted to have a child. The next week they went to the doctors and he told said, “You guys are older than most of my patients, although go ahead and take this sperm container and bring it back to me next week.” So the couple brought the container home, next week they go back to the doctors office and placed the container in the counter. The doctor said “what happened?” The old man responded “Doc, we tried everything. I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left. My wife tried with her right hand, she tried with her left. She tried with her dentures in, with her dentures out. We tried everything, but we couldn’t get it open.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egx4v5/an_elderly_couple_a_child/
%
One time I accidentally walked into a freezer that was at absolute zero...

Don't worry, it was 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egwzhb/one_time_i_accidentally_walked_into_a_freezer/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Nothing, she just gagged a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egwynw/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
This morning, I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water...

... I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egwvkx/this_morning_i_accidentally_made_my_coffee_with/
%
Yo momma's so fat,

we are all extremely concerned for her health.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egwshd/yo_mommas_so_fat/
%
I don't think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,

It was an unpleasant asscent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egwqi9/i_dont_think_the_guy_climbing_the_ladder_above_me/
%
If the plant is sad...

Will other plants photosympathize with it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egwiku/if_the_plant_is_sad/
%
Have your heard about kidnapping at the school?

It's ok, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egwcsl/have_your_heard_about_kidnapping_at_the_school/
%
What did the woman say when I put it in the wrong hole?

NTA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egw3tj/what_did_the_woman_say_when_i_put_it_in_the_wrong/
%
Who is the best assassin to ever live?

Adolf Hitler, he killed Adolf Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egvwff/who_is_the_best_assassin_to_ever_live/
%
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egvunf/what_did_the_boy_with_no_arms_get_for_christmas/
%
I really hate my past self,

rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egvokd/i_really_hate_my_past_self/
%
What only does its job after it’s fired?

A bullet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egvm0n/what_only_does_its_job_after_its_fired/
%
What car does an egg drive?

A Yolkswagen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egvjux/what_car_does_an_egg_drive/
%
I saw a premature newborn playing with a stuffed donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egvign/i_saw_a_premature_newborn_playing_with_a_stuffed/
%
What sort of machine is big as a house, consumes 20 gallons of fuel per hour, produces a whole lot of smoke and noise, can run for one hour for every ten hours of maintenance, and cuts apples into 3 pieces?

A soviet machine built to cut apples into 4 pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egvi00/what_sort_of_machine_is_big_as_a_house_consumes/
%
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth...

After that, everything else was made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egvc2h/in_the_beginning_god_created_the_heaven_and_the/
%
I just realized if you rearrange the letters in Hola, you get Aloha.

It's because I'm Canadian and automatically add an eh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egvafq/i_just_realized_if_you_rearrange_the_letters_in/
%
Stutterers

A girl is at a bar, and there are three guys next to her jabbering and carrying on and really getting on her nerves.
The worst part was, they all had stutters.
So she says to them, "Listen, I can't stand listening to you guys any more. I'll tell you what. Tell me where you're from. If you can say it without stuttering, I'll blow you. But if you can't, you have to leave. Deal?"
"D-D-Deal!" say the guys.
So she says to the first guy, 'Where are you from?"
The guy concentrates, screws up his face and says, "T-T-Tampa!"
"One down," says the girl. "Adios. Next?"
The second guys concentrates and concentrates and finally says, "OrlanD-D-D-o!"
"Two down," says the girl, and turns to the third guy. "How about you?"
The guys says, "Miami."
Well, what can a girl do. She gets on her knees and starts blowing him.
Just as the guy is coming, he says, "B-B-B-Beach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egv81t/stutterers/
%
One day on a diplomatic visit to England, Donald Trump asked the Queen Elizabeth...

...”Your highness, how do you get such intelligent people to be part of your parliment?” The queen replies “I ask them one simple question that reveals if they are worthy enough to be a political leader, here, let me show you.” The queen summons Boris Johnson into the room and asks him “Boris, answer me this, your mother has a child who is neither your sister or your brother, who is this child?” Boris replies, “well, your majesty, it’s me.”
Trump, in awe of what he had just witnessed, rushes back to the states, eager to put his own government to the test. Trump calls Mike Pence into the Oval Office and asks him “Mike, your parents had a child who is neither your brother nor your sister, who is this child?” Mike sits for a minute and says “Mr. President, let me consult the house to see if we can find the answer.” Mike Pence calls up Nancy Pelosi ana asks “Nancy, your parents had a child, who is neither your brother nor your sister, who is this child?” Nancy responds “Mr. Vice President, it’s me!” Mike pence immediately calls back Trump and says “Mr. President, if my parents had a child who is neither my brother nor my sister, it’s Nancy Pelosi!” Trump sighs in dissapointment and replies “No Mike, you’re wrong.” Mike Pence is in complete confusion, and asks “Mr. President, who is it then!” Trump, annoyed at the incompetence of his own Vice President, yells “it’s Boris Johnson!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eguyao/one_day_on_a_diplomatic_visit_to_england_donald/
%
Why do people talk louder when they drink?

Because alcoholic beverages are measured in volume.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eguxxy/why_do_people_talk_louder_when_they_drink/
%
What is the difference between a sweater and a jumper?

Sweaters are hoping someone will talk them down from the ledge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eguhty/what_is_the_difference_between_a_sweater_and_a/
%
God was talking to Adam...

God says to Adam,"Adam.You have been my son,and I have been your father. I'm going to give you something. She will cook for you,clean for you,raise your children. She shall be your best friend and soulmate. She will cater to your every whim. By her you shall be blessed."
Adam asked God,"How much is all this going to cost?"
God replied,"An arm and a leg."
Adam asks,"what can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eguda5/god_was_talking_to_adam/
%
(As told by a 10 year old) A white cat goes fishing in the sea and falls in. He’s struggling to stay afloat until a red cat jumps in to save him. What’s the first thing red cat says to white cat?

Meow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egubv9/as_told_by_a_10_year_old_a_white_cat_goes_fishing/
%
Children in the back seats of cars create accidents

Although its only natural as accidents in the back seats of cars create children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egttxt/children_in_the_back_seats_of_cars_create/
%
I don’t get school shooter jokes

Maybe they’re aimed at a younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egtt28/i_dont_get_school_shooter_jokes/
%
I don’t understand school shooter jokes

Maybe they’re aimed at a younger audience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egtori/i_dont_understand_school_shooter_jokes/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a grenade?

Grenade actually accomplish something when it triggers.
EDIT : NOT FROM USA NOR WHITE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egto9t/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
Its a boy! its a boy! my friend David ran into my room,tears in his eyes

That was the last time he visited Thailand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egto4u/its_a_boy_its_a_boy_my_friend_david_ran_into_my/
%
If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke that you read on this sub.

That way, you can be sure that they’re not some weirdo who is on Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egtlec/if_you_are_on_a_blind_date_try_opening_with_a/
%
Why is Dublin the biggest city in Ireland?

Because it keeps Dublin and Dublin in size.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egtkfe/why_is_dublin_the_biggest_city_in_ireland/
%
What’s a question you can ask a fat hooker in both the USA and UK?

“How many pounds are you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egti3c/whats_a_question_you_can_ask_a_fat_hooker_in_both/
%
Invisible man found dead in his apt.

Where do we draw the line?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egthh5/invisible_man_found_dead_in_his_apt/
%
They say the best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago.

But the SECOND best time is...the day after that. And the third best time was the next day after that one.
...wow, you've really fucked up haven't you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egt6nk/they_say_the_best_time_to_plant_a_tree_was_10/
%
My friend who saw Avatar for the first time must be such a bird lover.

He wouldn't shut up about all the blue tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egt6ge/my_friend_who_saw_avatar_for_the_first_time_must/
%
Remember, it's always I before E

Except when your foreign neighbour Keith received eight counterfeit beige sleighs from fiesty caffeineated weightlifters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egt2ct/remember_its_always_i_before_e/
%
What do Germans call a dead battery?

A nein volt battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egsutj/what_do_germans_call_a_dead_battery/
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three.  A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egsss2/how_many_ears_does_captain_kirk_have/
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Why can't Trump be executed?

Fake noose. Sad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egspyi/why_cant_trump_be_executed/
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I tried online dating recently and it is really refreshing. The ladies actually want to get to know you.

Last night my favorite one was asking me really great questions like my first pet's name and the street I grew up on. She even wanted to know about my mom and her maiden name!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egskce/i_tried_online_dating_recently_and_it_is_really/
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Is it inappropriate to post jokes about the hearing impaired?

Deafinitely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egsgll/is_it_inappropriate_to_post_jokes_about_the/
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I tried to be a sociopath, but I’m not that good in manipulating people.

I’m more of a so-so path.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egs9ww/i_tried_to_be_a_sociopath_but_im_not_that_good_in/
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If you're here for the yodeling lesson

please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egs0xf/if_youre_here_for_the_yodeling_lesson/
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I really don’t like jelly

It’s just not my jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egrse1/i_really_dont_like_jelly/
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egrmqp/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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I designed a car, it is good, but it can not go backwards.

I guess i am not that good at reverse engineering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egrj15/i_designed_a_car_it_is_good_but_it_can_not_go/
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I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children

But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egresm/i_just_donated_100_to_a_charity_for_blind_children/
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Two horses are chatting after winning their respective races at the grand national...

"I say old chap, you did fantastically on your race! How did you manage?"
"Well to be honest I'm a little confused, I couldn't break out of the pack, couldn't make any ground when about a third of the way round the course I felt this burning heat, right up my arse, so I powered on trying to get away from whatever it was and without realising came in first!"
"Well that is funny" said the first horse "damned similar thing happened to me! Was having a less than average race, couldn't find the motivation then, wouldn't you guess it, a third of the way round the course I felt this burning heat right up my arse and I just did all I could to get away from it and then first!"
At which point a dog walks by and says "you know, that's funny, I was at the races last week and sure enough, a third of the way round the track I get this burning sensation right up my arse, so I'm running and running and then come in first!"
So the first horse exclaims "holy crap a talking dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egrd8w/two_horses_are_chatting_after_winning_their/
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My mother in law began to address the elephant in the room

I asked her why she was talking to herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egrap5/my_mother_in_law_began_to_address_the_elephant_in/
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What’s the difference between ooh and ahhh

About 3 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egr6et/whats_the_difference_between_ooh_and_ahhh/
%
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egqxuh/how_do_you_make_a_water_bed_more_bouncy/
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I started selling landmines disguised as prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egqxqb/i_started_selling_landmines_disguised_as_prayer/
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There's been an explosion at the local cheese factory.

There's Da brie everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egqrks/theres_been_an_explosion_at_the_local_cheese/
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What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?

Wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egqouh/whats_every_elfs_favorite_type_of_music/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job

Ones a crusty bus station, the other is a bust crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egqii5/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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What's long, hard, full of cum, and makes the women scream?

The sock underneath my bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egqgzw/whats_long_hard_full_of_cum_and_makes_the_women/
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"The wife asked for 'bath stuff' for Christmas this year," he tells the bartender. "Don't know why she was pissed off when she unwrapped a toaster."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egqgqo/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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Why can't you have a party on the moon?

No Atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egqgjt/why_cant_you_have_a_party_on_the_moon/
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I dont like the floor or the walls.

Because im a ceiling fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egqg5u/i_dont_like_the_floor_or_the_walls/
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A guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender. "Mality, mality, mality, mality," he says.

"Okay, now that you have the four malities out of the way, what would you like to drink?" the bartender asks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egqg3e/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_approaches_the/
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Cop asks a blonde hooker if she’s ever been picked up by the fuzz

She says “No, but I’ve been swung around by the tits.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egqc2y/cop_asks_a_blonde_hooker_if_shes_ever_been_picked/
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What do you get when you cross a wolf and a climate activist?

aware wolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egq2cg/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_wolf_and_a/
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Englishman Irishman and Scotsman are sitting in a cafe discussing their teenage daughters

The Englishman turns to the group and says I'm so disappointed by my daughter I went in her room the other day and noticed a pack of cigarettes I had no idea she was smoking.
The scotsman turns and says that's not as bad as mine I found a bottle of whiskey hidden in her room I cant believe she's drinking at her age.
The Irishman pipes up I think I have it the worst when I went in my daughters room i found a condom and i honestly had no idea she had a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egpwyo/englishman_irishman_and_scotsman_are_sitting_in_a/
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My buddy wrote a comedy routine about menorahs.

It was just a bunch of candle shtick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egpu89/my_buddy_wrote_a_comedy_routine_about_menorahs/
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It was 10 years ago today that my best buddy Dave came running out of the room shouting “ it’s a boy!” with tears tears streaming down his face....

....We never went back to Thailand since!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egpmg3/it_was_10_years_ago_today_that_my_best_buddy_dave/
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What do Brits wear?

Tea-shirts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egpkqe/what_do_brits_wear/
%
I want to die like my grandfather, sleeping calmly.

Not like the passengers on his bus, screaming intensely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egpj5f/i_want_to_die_like_my_grandfather_sleeping_calmly/
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What’s the difference between a coyote and a flea?

One howls one the prairie, the other prowls on the hairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egpgc8/whats_the_difference_between_a_coyote_and_a_flea/
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what’s the difference between a drunken archer and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can’t hit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egpg5u/whats_the_difference_between_a_drunken_archer_and/
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My dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex.

We laughed about it for a while.
Then I remembered me and my wife have different dentists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egp9gg/my_dentist_reminded_me_about_my_wifes_sensitive/
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how long does it take a comminist to renovate a room

about an our.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egp4sv/how_long_does_it_take_a_comminist_to_renovate_a/
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I just invented a thought controlled air-freshener

It makes scents if you think about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egp2nk/i_just_invented_a_thought_controlled_airfreshener/
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What is Gordon Ramsey’s favorite subreddit?

It’s fucking r/aww!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egowzx/what_is_gordon_ramseys_favorite_subreddit/
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All my friends warned me not to stick my dick in crazy, but I didn't listen. My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed and after we broke up…

…she went fucking bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egorcw/all_my_friends_warned_me_not_to_stick_my_dick_in/
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What's the same as Justin Timberlake?

Recentlyentered Woodwater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egonor/whats_the_same_as_justin_timberlake/
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Unhappy man with his little dude

A old man walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. He quietly orders a beer when suddenly this tiny dude pops out of his shirt pocket. The bartender is amazed, “I’ve never such a tiny dude before.!” The old man quietly grumbles as he pulls out a tiny piano and places it on the bar. Immediately the tiny dude jumps down and begins playing enthusiastically. The bartender starts cheering “that’s amazing! How come you look so unhappy when you have this fun little dude with you?” The old man explains, “well years ago I was marooned on an island where I came across a lamp, upon rubbing it a genie came out. Let me just say, if you ever find a genie speak clearly, because I sure as hell didn’t ask for an 8inch pianist.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egogl8/unhappy_man_with_his_little_dude/
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I experienced the WORST customer service yesterday at a shop.

I don't want to mention the name of the shop because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. On Wednesday I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 48 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the shop told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me "NO."
I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK."
😡😡😡
No refund.
No FREE replacement.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrereerr. .
I''ll tell you what...
I am NEVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egofap/i_experienced_the_worst_customer_service/
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I asked my girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in

She said cheque books.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egob2k/i_asked_my_girlfriend_what_sort_of_books_shes/
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Yesterday a bought a pair if shoes from a drug dealer.

Don't know what he laced them with 'cause I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ego9uz/yesterday_a_bought_a_pair_if_shoes_from_a_drug/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ego77d/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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What's Black and White and Red all over?

A nun falling down a flight of stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ego4b9/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
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When you die, which body part dies last?

The pupils, they dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ego3m9/when_you_die_which_body_part_dies_last/
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French pigs be like "Oinque"..

American pigs be like "STOP RESISTING"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ego1dd/french_pigs_be_like_oinque/
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Petition to ban all r/Fencing members from r/Jokes

Too many ripostes.
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egnvzq/petition_to_ban_all_rfencing_members_from_rjokes/
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How many guys with add/adhd does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Wanna ride bikes?!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egnsl6/how_many_guys_with_addadhd_does_it_take_to_screw/
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Chernobyl is like Disneyland

Except the 5 foot tall mouse is real there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egnoes/chernobyl_is_like_disneyland/
%
All my life I've wanted to learn to juggle

I just never had the balls to do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egnii8/all_my_life_ive_wanted_to_learn_to_juggle/
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What does a Christian rabbit say when it sees it's food?

Lettuce pray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egnex7/what_does_a_christian_rabbit_say_when_it_sees_its/
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A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”
A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been with many men who’ve told me terrible things, try me.” So Danny tells her and she slaps him across the face so hard his cheek turns beet red.
The bartender saw the whole thing and asks Danny what happened, and Danny said, “I told her what I needed to forget.” Naturally, the bartender asks what it is he needs to forget. “I’ll tell you, but, trust me, you’ll get pissed.” “Boy, I’ve been bartending for 25 years, heard about regrets, death, war stories, ain’t nothin gonna faze me.” So Danny tells the bartender, and the bartender flips his shit and screams at Danny to get outta the bar.
Outside, Danny hails a cab to get home. Once inside, the Cabbie says, “Jeez you look terrible, what happened?” “I told people what I’m trying to forget.” “Well, what’d you tell em?” “You’ll get mad if I tell ya.” “Sir, if I’m honest, I was a veteran, I’ve had my own brothers die in my arms, tell me what you have.” “Alright but you gotta take me home first so you don’t throw me out of the cab.” Intrigued, the cabbie takes Danny home first.
The Cabbie pulled up to Danny’s home, turns around, and says “Alright, spill the beans, I’m dyin to hear this.” “Fine, fine, but I gotta ask you something first:
When’s the last time you lost The Game?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egn9k7/a_guy_named_danny_walks_into_a_bar/
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A CEO, his secretary, and a store clerk stumble upon a genie's lamp in an old storeroom

The store clerk picks up the lamp and rubs it, causing a genie to pop out.
"Thank you for releasing me from my confines!" the genie says, looking around and noticing the three of them standing. "I will grant each of you one wish, as that is all my powers will allow."
"I rubbed it, so I want to go first!" the clerk says.
"Certainly young man, what would you like?" the genie asks.
"I wish to be in Vienna, having a sex with the girl of my dreams!" He says.
"GRANTED!" The genie bellows, snapping his finger. The store clerk disappears. "And who is next?"
"Me!" says the secretary, "I wish I was with my husband on a cruise to Norway with a million dollars!"
"GRANTED!" The genie yells, snapping his finger. The secretary disappears. "And you, fine sir?" the genie asks the CEO, the last person standing.
"I wish for both of those lazy motherfuckers to be back by lunch!" the CEO barks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egn5ko/a_ceo_his_secretary_and_a_store_clerk_stumble/
%
My girlfriend said I was bad at sex

I said back to her that you shouldn’t have an opinion on something that you only tried for one minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egn47m/my_girlfriend_said_i_was_bad_at_sex/
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How do we know the sun is a dick?

It rises every morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egmz3b/how_do_we_know_the_sun_is_a_dick/
%
A guy walks into a bar

As he is drinking his beer, he looks down and sees a monkey sitting on a chair.
He asks the bartender, "What's with the monkey?"
"Oh, that's mine. She can does trick. Want to see it?"
"Yeah!"
So the bartender whistles, the monkey stand up, the bartender pulls out a steel pipe and hits the monkey right in her head. The monkey kneels down and starts giving the bartender a blow job.
"Wow!"
The bartender says "It's great, right? Wanna try?
The guys says: "Yeah, sure! But you don't have to hit me with that steel pipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egmxp6/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why do monkeys carry their babies on their backs?

It would be a bit hard dragging a buggy all the way up the trees…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egmqso/why_do_monkeys_carry_their_babies_on_their_backs/
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Always check the name

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a  student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egmo9m/always_check_the_name/
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There was a court case where a man stole a calendar

He got 12 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egml25/there_was_a_court_case_where_a_man_stole_a/
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Having gay parents must be horrible

I mean you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck into an infinite loop of "go ask your mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egmh92/having_gay_parents_must_be_horrible/
%
Drinks

**Host**: I see your glass is empty, shall I get one more?
**Me**: What will I do with 2 empty glasses?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egmfey/drinks/
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Man I hate golfing

Trees are 90% air but I always hit the 10% somehow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egm9sl/man_i_hate_golfing/
%
Full time car thieves are the absolute laziest people

What do they do all day? Jack shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eglwqe/full_time_car_thieves_are_the_absolute_laziest/
%
I was Addicted to Soap Once

But I’m clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eglv43/i_was_addicted_to_soap_once/
%
I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver

I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero.
But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eglua4/i_donated_1_kidney_and_they_called_me_a_lifesaver/
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Some people take Christmas way too serious...

It's 362 days away and people already have their decorations up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eglsq9/some_people_take_christmas_way_too_serious/
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Little johnny loved to Masturbate.

He did it all the time, whenever he could. Then one day he was going to town on the one eyed snake. When suddenly his dad walks in his room. Little johnny quickly pulls up his pants, but its to late.
“Little johnny if you keep doing that you’ll go blind”
Little johnny responds “hey dad, im over here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eglq40/little_johnny_loved_to_masturbate/
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What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eglnmu/whats_the_difference_between_a_hot_potato_and_a/
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When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma

Unfortunately, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egllz8/when_i_was_a_kid_i_made_a_really_big_sandcastle/
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Two hunters are walking through the forest

They come across a hole in the ground, about 6 feet across. They look down the hole and realize they can't see the bottom.
The one hunter asks the other, "how deep could this hole be?"
The other finds an anvil nearby and throws it down the hole. They hear it fall, and fall, and fall, but no thud of it hitting the bottom.
All of a sudden, a goat comes rushing past, and goes straight down the hole.
The hunters look at each other and shrug. "That was weird" one says.
Then a farmer comes walking up and says "have you guys seen a goat around here?"
The first hunter replies "yeah we did, just now, it flew past us and went down that hole"
The farmer replies, "nah that couldn't have been mine, mine was tied to an anvil"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egli10/two_hunters_are_walking_through_the_forest/
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A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a desert island. (Long)

They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning life, if a little boring.
One afternoon, all three are sitting on the beach, watching the most beautiful sunset they have seen in their lives. And the man starts feeling melancholy. He feels empty, almost, like there is a pit in the bottom of his stomach. He soon realizes that this emptiness can only be fulfilled by a womanly touch. He glances over to the pig, and imagines it as a beautiful, completely stunning woman. He leans in to kiss her, and just as their lips are about to meet, the dog jumps up and starts barking, snapping the man out of his trance.
A few weeks later,  a woman washes up on shore. She soon becomes an integral part of their small society, looking for food, helping the man skin and cook animals, and being an all-around happy presence on this deserted island.
On another afternoon, much like the one previously mentioned, the four are staring out into an incredible sunset, and the man, he starts feeling this feeling again. This feeling of melancholy, that which only a woman can cure. He looks over at the woman who washed up in this island, this beautiful woman, and he says,
“Do you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eglfgi/a_man_a_dog_and_a_pig_wash_up_on_a_desert_island/
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The first rule about mime club

is you don’t talk about mime club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eglefp/the_first_rule_about_mime_club/
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Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egldj9/why_do_ducks_have_tail_feathers/
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People that sag should put their pants up for adoption

Cause they sure can’t raise them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eglabm/people_that_sag_should_put_their_pants_up_for/
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Why does 10 have problems?

Cause 10 was in the middle of 9 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egl8ro/why_does_10_have_problems/
%
I was kidnapped by mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egl5j7/i_was_kidnapped_by_mimes/
%
Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom

Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.
Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.
So Johnny does what his mom told him and spends all day across the street. He comes home in time for dinner.
Mom: So Johnny, what did you learn today?
Johnny: Well, first the mason comes and pours the fucking slab, then the carpenter puts up the cocksucking frame, finally the interior guy shows up and finishes the goddamn drywall.
Mom: JOHNNY! I'm going to whup your little butt. Go out back and fetch me a switch.
Johnny: Fuck you, that's the electrician's job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egl5cd/johnny_has_the_day_off_from_school_and_is_bugging/
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Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face...

For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egl0ve/even_people_who_are_good_for_nothing_have_the/
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My wife made us late and we missed the previews before new movie Cats...

...I hate when she makes me miss the best part of movies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egkzbv/my_wife_made_us_late_and_we_missed_the_previews/
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It was 11 years ago today that my pal James came running out of the room shouting "it's a boy" with tears streaming down his face

We never went back to Thailand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egkxv7/it_was_11_years_ago_today_that_my_pal_james_came/
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What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egkw9v/what_do_you_call_a_sad_strawberry/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egkvsr/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
What do you get when you cross Obama, Bruce Lee, and the Irish?

Barack O’Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egkqv7/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_obama_bruce_lee/
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I was kidnapped by mimes,

They did unspeakable things to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egkp3x/i_was_kidnapped_by_mimes/
%
It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.

He asked the Pirate Captain.
“Why do you have a wooden leg?”
The Pirate Captain replied.
“Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”.
The boy then asked.
“Why do you have a hook for a hand?”
The Pirate Captain said.
“Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me hand off so I have this hook to replace what’s gone”.
The boy finally asked.
“Why do you have a glass eye?”
The Pirate Captain lowered his head slightly and replied.
“A grain of sand blew up off the deck and got in me eye”.
The boy stood there confused. The Pirate Captain, raising his head back up, said to the boy.
“Argh. It was me first day with the hook”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egkii4/it_was_a_boys_first_day_on_the_pirate_ship/
%
I smell so stupid right now.

I should’ve worn my Degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egki5r/i_smell_so_stupid_right_now/
%
I’ll never forget the moment my doctor told me That I was deaf

It was really hard to hear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egkg5d/ill_never_forget_the_moment_my_doctor_told_me/
%
What do you call someone who’s half Jew

Jew-ish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egkd8w/what_do_you_call_someone_whos_half_jew/
%
Told the doctor i pee at 8AM every morning

Doctor: where's the problem?
Me: i wake up at 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egkc4l/told_the_doctor_i_pee_at_8am_every_morning/
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A man walks in a bar which has slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling. The bartender says “if you can jump up and slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you buy everyone in the bar a drink. The man then shook his head....

....The steaks are too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egk9js/a_man_walks_in_a_bar_which_has_slabs_of_meat/
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I got ripped off by a male prostitute

He never came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egk7dm/i_got_ripped_off_by_a_male_prostitute/
%
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egk4bc/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
%
Blind rage

Why don't blind people get along with anyone?
They can never see eye to eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egk1xe/blind_rage/
%
My teacher once told me

I was a really smart student, but could also be an idiot at the same time.
I replied “does that make me an oxymoron?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egk1s1/my_teacher_once_told_me/
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What's the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and a Whiskey Connoisseur?

Only one thinks it gets better with age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egjy0t/whats_the_difference_between_jeffrey_epstein_and/
%
"Hurt me, please hurt me" said the masochist.

"No," said the sadist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egjxyn/hurt_me_please_hurt_me_said_the_masochist/
%
I grow and sell fruit to Catholic churches across the country.

I mass produce mass produce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egjxee/i_grow_and_sell_fruit_to_catholic_churches_across/
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Alabama boy goes to Boston for an interview

He had gone to the University of Alabama on a football scholarship and maybe took a few too many hits to the helmet.
He stopped in a coffee shop before heading to the interview and saw a pretty girl sitting at a table with a few college books. He got his drink and approached her.
In a thick Southern drawl he asked, "Where do you go to school at?"
Wanting to get rid of him as as possible, she simply replied, "Yale."
He took a deep breath, rolled his eyes a bit, and hollered, "WHERE DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL AT?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egjtqg/alabama_boy_goes_to_boston_for_an_interview/
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My roommate said I'm...

My roommate said I'm a schizophrenic, jokes on him i don't have a roommate...😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egjr0r/my_roommate_said_im/
%
If it looks like shit, smells like shit, and taste like shit...

You have gone too far to identify!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egjl3i/if_it_looks_like_shit_smells_like_shit_and_taste/
%
The Dalai Lama goes to a pizza shop

And asks the chef to make him one with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egjes5/the_dalai_lama_goes_to_a_pizza_shop/
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Funny (true) story

I drove 250 miles to see my son and his family over Christmas. He knows he's getting my car when I die (I'm terminal, but no telling when) so he checks it out every time he sees it. It's well taken care of; 275,000 miles and I keep it spotless and running perfectly.
He was checking the oil, and knows I carry a few paper products in the car when I travel. He wanted to keep his hands clean.
His wife came out at the perfect time to hear our short conversation:
"Hey dad, where's the toilet paper?"
"Just use your fingers like I do, and wipe 'em on your pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egjc9i/funny_true_story/
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This is my dog. he’s weird tho all he talks about are trees

**HER:** because he says bark? haha that’s funn-
**MY DOG:** the sequoiadendron giganteum is the largest tree in the world. it is 52,500 cubic feet (1,487 cubic meters) in volume
**HER:** what the fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egjc6r/this_is_my_dog_hes_weird_tho_all_he_talks_about/
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Why is a massage like a fairy tale?

They're both better with a happy ending.
Side note- female here, was having a non-sexual massage in a mall yesterday, from a little Asian lady who was probably in her late 50s. Somehow it was almost a happy ending, although unintentionally on both sides. As I was lying there wondering what the hell my brain was thinking this joke appeared in my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egj6je/why_is_a_massage_like_a_fairy_tale/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye the oceans were teeming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I wish for a great wall around England, protecting her, and all the foreigners were gone".
With a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England and all foreigners disappeared.
The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, double the size of it and fill it up with water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egj5fn/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_are/
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What do you call a bad amputation job?

A rip off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egj5ag/what_do_you_call_a_bad_amputation_job/
%
A king was feeling merciful one day.

He decides that his dungeons are getting full so he will grant freedom to some of the prisoners upon completing a simple task.
A few prisoners get the opportunity, and the king tells them to pick their favorite plant and come and see him.
An Irish man comes to him with a clover. "All you have to do is stick the clover up your butt and you're free man. If you fail, you will be executed however." the King says. The Irish man obliges and is promptly set free.
Next up comes the Frenchman with a rose. He starts sticking it in, crying and wailing out in pain when all of a sudden he bursts into hysteric laughter. "Why are you laughing, surely you're in pain?" asks the king.
The Frenchman, chuckling, wipes tears from his eyes and says. "The Arab... The Arab is coming with a cactus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egj1k9/a_king_was_feeling_merciful_one_day/
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I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egiyzb/i_was_sitting_in_a_bar_one_day_and_two_really/
%
A teacher asks her class,

"If there are 14 birds on the fence and you shoot 2 of them off. How many are left?"
One little boy says, "None, because the shotgun scared them all off."
The teacher says, "that's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way  you think."
The boy then asks the teacher, "I have a question for you. There are three women eating some ice cream on cones. One is licking it, one is sucking it and one is biting it. But which one is married?"
Embarrassed, the teacher answers, "I imagine it's the one  sucking it."
The boy says, "no, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
P.S. This is not my joke, I found it copied from a comment section a YouTube video and wanted to share it here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egixju/a_teacher_asks_her_class/
%
Guy goes into the bank, walks up to the teller and says, "Hiya Toots, I wanna make a fuckin' deposit over here."

The teller is a little taken aback by the customer's language, but does her best to be professional.
"Sir, I'm more than happy to help with that, but I'm going to need to ask you to mind your language while we conduct our business."
"Whoa, Lady, take it easy," the man says, "I just want to make a fuckin' deposit over here, nice and quick like..."
"Sir!  We are a place of business and I do not need to tolerate such filth.  If you can speak civil, then we can proceed to..."
"Goddam, lady, I just wanna make a fuckin' deposit and get outta here.  Can you just...?"
Before he could finish, the teller stormed off to her manager,  visibly upset by the man's coarse language.  She complains to her manager for a bit, who finally relents and agrees to deal with the cursing customer.
"Hello Sir," the manager says, "I'm afraid that the teller has taken some offense to the type of language you have been using, and I don't know that we can complete this transaction."
"Oh, for chrissakes, all I'm tryna do is deposit a million fucking dollars..."
"What?!" The bank manager says incredulously, while pointing at the teller, "And this fucking bitch wouldn't help you?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egik9u/guy_goes_into_the_bank_walks_up_to_the_teller_and/
%
What are the chances people stop mistaking Link for Zelda?

Hylian likely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eghzut/what_are_the_chances_people_stop_mistaking_link/
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Hey, wanna hear a joke about reddit mods

[This post has been deleted aggressively]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eghxdw/hey_wanna_hear_a_joke_about_reddit_mods/
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I've been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.

It's time for me to come clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eghu48/ive_been_secretly_injecting_soap_into_my_balls_to/
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Glass Coffins

Will they be popular?
Remains to be seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eghqkw/glass_coffins/
%
Did you hear about the Husband who was always right?

His Wife left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eghpu6/did_you_hear_about_the_husband_who_was_always/
%
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?

Van Hailin’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eghnx6/what_do_you_call_a_camper_driving_through_frozen/
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2 cowboys are walking through the desert. One of them sees a tree covered in bacon and runs towards it.

He is instantly shot. Because this was no bacon tree. This. Was a *ham bush.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eghk0t/2_cowboys_are_walking_through_the_desert_one_of/
%
A guy with a gambling addiction walks into a butchers

He goes to the butcher - "I bet you $500 you can't get the meat down from the top shelf without a ladder"
The butcher says "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eghgvy/a_guy_with_a_gambling_addiction_walks_into_a/
%
Forget writing Santa asking for miracle...

...I'm writing Willy Wonka and asking for an Everlasting GOPstopper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egh8bv/forget_writing_santa_asking_for_miracle/
%
What do you call a spy in a bath tub?

Bubble 07

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egh663/what_do_you_call_a_spy_in_a_bath_tub/
%
Just as I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden

The plot thickens!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egh5md/just_as_i_suspected_someones_been_adding_soil_to/
%
How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eggyra/how_can_you_drop_a_raw_egg_onto_a_concrete_floor/
%
My fiance told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

Went out we had some drinks he's a nice guy. He's a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eggy9z/my_fiance_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead/
%
I found out my girlfriend was a ghost !

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eggy1z/i_found_out_my_girlfriend_was_a_ghost/
%
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eggqv6/my_neighbor_is_a_90_year_old_with_alzheimers_i/
%
The walk from my house to the bar is a 5 minute walk

but the walk from the bar to my house is a 35 minute walk
The difference is staggering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egggv0/the_walk_from_my_house_to_the_bar_is_a_5_minute/
%
A woman complains about her Husband

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy..
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0,MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 . Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but it just doesn't seem to work.
What can I do?
Signed,
........ ­ ­ ­.............. ­ ­. ­.
Reply...
DEAR Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system ­ ­.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Beer 6.1.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to re install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
To summarize - Husband 1.0 is a great OS You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and reverting to Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
IT SUPPORT DESK.
———————
I kept it for a while before posting I hope it won’t be considered a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eggevk/a_woman_complains_about_her_husband/
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Every year my uncle dresses as Santa Clause for me and my little brother.

Santa is coming really means something different in our family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egfww8/every_year_my_uncle_dresses_as_santa_clause_for/
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Why did Kylo Ren pick Nvidia over AMD?

Because it has better REY tracing....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egfrry/why_did_kylo_ren_pick_nvidia_over_amd/
%
What's the worst school to drop out of?

Aviation school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egfjq9/whats_the_worst_school_to_drop_out_of/
%
A nude man walks in to a bar. He ordered a shot of the whiskey. The bartender refused to serve his liquor. The nude man was surprised and asked him, is it because I am nude? The bartender replied,

You don't have money on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egfibk/a_nude_man_walks_in_to_a_bar_he_ordered_a_shot_of/
%
What did the yoga teacher told the gal that asked her if she'd like to grab a drink after class?

Nah, must stay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egfg9i/what_did_the_yoga_teacher_told_the_gal_that_asked/
%
When I die, I hope I go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa.

I sure wouldn't wanna go screaming like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egf53p/when_i_die_i_hope_i_go_peacefully_in_my_sleep/
%
One of my posts got taken down for being“inappropriate/political” because I used the word liberal

How is it political to say “I’m liberal with the amount of kids I fit in my basement”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egf1r9/one_of_my_posts_got_taken_down_for/
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PICKUP LINE: Don’t pay $5 for a footlong...

When you can get my 6 inch for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egezzz/pickup_line_dont_pay_5_for_a_footlong/
%
Why is 1 = 0

cos 0 = 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egey43/why_is_1_0/
%
How do you tie two Hondas together?

With Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egewo0/how_do_you_tie_two_hondas_together/
%
What's green and smells like bacon

Kermits fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egewk1/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
%
Whats the worst thing the teacher can say during sex ed?

"lets have a demonstration"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egevdb/whats_the_worst_thing_the_teacher_can_say_during/
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What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egeu5s/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_two_brain_cells/
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What did the pacifist say to the aggressive musician?

Violins is not the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egetlu/what_did_the_pacifist_say_to_the_aggressive/
%
What are Dutch provinces called?

The Nether Regions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egesbh/what_are_dutch_provinces_called/
%
The miracle of the blind carpenter

He picked up his hammer and saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egepz0/the_miracle_of_the_blind_carpenter/
%
Chuu Chuu [NSFW]

Three explorers are venturing into the African wilderness, looking for the Golden Skull of Chuu Chuu. They finally discover the cave and just as they are about to enter it, they are captured by the Protectors of the Chuu Chuu, hogtied and carried to their village to stand trial.
They are presented to the Chieftain of Chuu Chuu to stand trial. The whole village is gathered to watch the foreigners get their sentence.
The explorers step up to the Chieftain and he speaks in his deep voice:
"You are deemed guilty of conspiring to steal the Golden Skull.  You can choose between two punishments. Death or Chuu Chuu!"
The crowd goes wild and chants *CHU CHU CHU CHU*.
The first explorer step up to announce his choice thinking 'I don't wish to die, what ever Chuu Chuu is, it can't be worse than death'. So he speaks: "I choose Chuu Chuu"
The crowd goes wild again and chants *CHU CHU ... CHU CHU*, out one of the clay huts come 10 gigantic African men with huge erect penises. And they rape the explorer one by one. Demolishing his rectum. All while the crowd is chanting.
The second explorer is choked as he step up to announce his punishment of choice. He thinks to himself 'I don't wish to die, and those 10 African men look tired after that train they ran on him'.
The Chieftain ask: "What is your choice? Death or Chuu Chuu?" So he makes his announcement: "I choose Chuu Chuu"
The crowd goes wild again and the chanting starts again *CHU CHU ... CHU CHU*, out another one of the clay huts 10 new African men, of the same size with the same size huge erect penises, come out. And they rape the second explorer one by one. Again demolishing his rectum. All while the crowd is chanting.
Both explorers look completely destroyed, body and soul, as the third explorer is about to make his choice. The Chieftain ask: "What is your choice? Death or Chuu Chuu?". The third and last explorer can't imagine a life worth living after seeing his friends on the floor. So he makes his choice.
"I choose death!"
The crowd goes insane and the chanting is louder and wilder than before. *CHU CHU ... CHU CHU ... CHU CHU* Everyone in the village is there yelling as loud as they can as the Chieftain stand up to make his announcement:
" DEATH   BY  CHUU   CHUU ! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egeovv/chuu_chuu_nsfw/
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Do you wanna hear a joke about unemployed people??

Nevermind, none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egemcs/do_you_wanna_hear_a_joke_about_unemployed_people/
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What do you call a dictionary that cannot leave taking drugs?

Addictionary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egeg03/what_do_you_call_a_dictionary_that_cannot_leave/
%
A reporter visits Afghanistan,

A reporter visits Afghanistan to report on a recent bombing. On her way to the bomb-site, she sees the women walking ten steps behind the men. Enraged, the reporter asks her translator why the women are walking 10 steps behind. The translator replies, “It is because women are considered 2nd class citizens here.” Too furious to finish her report, the reporter leaves Afghanistan. A year later, the reporter has returned to cover another story. This time, she notices that the women are now walking 10 steps ahead of the men. The reporter, in delight, asks her translator what has changed. The translator chuckles before answering “land mines.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egefn5/a_reporter_visits_afghanistan/
%
So 40, 7, and 12 all apply for the same job why did 7 get the job?

7 was their prime candidate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egedd9/so_40_7_and_12_all_apply_for_the_same_job_why_did/
%
more irish:)

The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
The barman asks: “What do you have?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ege83r/more_irish/
%
gotta love the irish:)

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ege3ao/gotta_love_the_irish/
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Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?

So when they come back to port, they can *scandanavian*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egdw0n/why_does_the_norway_navy_have_barcodes_on_all_of/
%
What type of currency do astronauts use while in outer space?

Starbucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egdurl/what_type_of_currency_do_astronauts_use_while_in/
%
A guy walks into a brothel....

And ask how much it costs to sleep with one of the ladies.
"$200".
"What can I get for $20?".
"Piss of and jack off on the street.".
10 minutes later, the same guy walks in again.
"You again! I told you to get lost. What do you want?!"
"Uh... pay the bill?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egdrql/a_guy_walks_into_a_brothel/
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Library

I went to the library today and asked for a book about cliffhangers.
The Librarian said...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egdnjn/library/
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How does good king Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egdmbw/how_does_good_king_wenceslas_like_his_pizza/
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"Do I look fat in this dress?"

"No," I replied. "Just a bit gay, son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egdavw/do_i_look_fat_in_this_dress/
%
It's 69 degrees right now in December

I didn't realize it would be this nice out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egd7fq/its_69_degrees_right_now_in_december/
%
What do you call a blind German?

A not-see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egd2oe/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
%
I tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbor

... but he said he had naan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egcykw/i_tried_to_borrow_some_bread_from_my_indian/
%
There is a kitchen appliance at your door

Let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egcyjq/there_is_a_kitchen_appliance_at_your_door/
%
Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'.

Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver! As for your platinum and gold, spreddit, you won’t regreddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egctu9/reddit_should_rename_share_to_spreddit_delete_to/
%
Studies show having sex regularly keeps your memory strong

I wish you all a happy 2012.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egcq72/studies_show_having_sex_regularly_keeps_your/
%
There so much messed up kinds of porn these days

What's the world coming to?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egckyy/there_so_much_messed_up_kinds_of_porn_these_days/
%
What do you say on 1st of January ?

Oh, 2019 just seems like yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egcb5h/what_do_you_say_on_1st_of_january/
%
What does a house wear to a party??

Address

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egcavn/what_does_a_house_wear_to_a_party/
%
Giorno and Gyro are lost in Morocco

Old Muslim joke.
Giorno and Gyro are lost in Morocco, they are hungry, they haven't eaten anything for 1 day.
Gyro sees a mosque :
- Gyro : hey it’s a mosque maybe we can ask for food.
- Giorno : we aren’t Muslims they probably won’t give us any food.
- Gyro : we can convert for a hour, just call me Mohamed in front of them and then we’ll ask for food.
- Giorno : no i dont want to convert for that.
- Gyro : Just call me Mohamed.
Mohamed ( Gyro ) and Giorno arrives the mosque, they both tell they’re name and asks for food.
A guy called imam arrives and gives Giorno food.
- Mohammed : What about me ?
- The imam : did you forget ?
- Mohammed : what did I forgot ?
- The imam : are you Muslim ?
- Mohammed : YES! I AM!
- The imam : it’s Ramadan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egc28l/giorno_and_gyro_are_lost_in_morocco/
%
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egc0h8/why_cant_your_ear_be_12_inches_long/
%
Fucking Arthur

While at grandparent's house, mom came into the living room and asked Johnny, "Where's Grandma?"
"Fucking  Arthur ," replied Johnny.
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" screamed mommy.
"I don't know, but Grandpa keeps yelling, 'Fucking Arthur Writis!' at her upstairs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egbyga/fucking_arthur/
%
What do you say when the internet is not working in Russia?

Internyet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egbuqp/what_do_you_say_when_the_internet_is_not_working/
%
What do you call a cat with a sports car?

A furr-ari...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egbsra/what_do_you_call_a_cat_with_a_sports_car/
%
Jimmy Carr: “There’s a really easy way to tell if your house is haunted or not.”

It’s not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egbqkk/jimmy_carr_theres_a_really_easy_way_to_tell_if/
%
My boss called this morning and shouted,

“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.”
“Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied.
“Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.”
So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egboqi/my_boss_called_this_morning_and_shouted/
%
A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.

The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps.
“It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice.
“$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.”
The plumber said,” Yeah, when I was a doctor, that’s all I made too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egbluw/a_doctor_heard_a_funny_noise_coming_from_his/
%
"Abdul, why do let your wife go before you? Koran says that a wife must go behind her husband!". "You see Aziz, things have changed since Koran was written. We live in a modern world, a world which has such things as women's rights, feminism and ...

landmines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egbhjd/abdul_why_do_let_your_wife_go_before_you_koran/
%
So I hear the Hulk's believing in Muhammad nowadays...

Now he's gone from "Hulk Smash" to "I Slam".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egbdox/so_i_hear_the_hulks_believing_in_muhammad_nowadays/
%
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket and thinks:

Some asshole has my pen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egb027/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_front/
%
Apparently I snore so loudly

It scared everyone in the car I was driving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egawxr/apparently_i_snore_so_loudly/
%
Why are most stormtrooper pilots from Thailand?

Because they're natural Thai fighters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egavyu/why_are_most_stormtrooper_pilots_from_thailand/
%
What did the dividing cell say to it’s sibling after they grabbed it’s foot?

Mitosis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egaswq/what_did_the_dividing_cell_say_to_its_sibling/
%
A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.

I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egakna/a_female_janitor_at_my_building_asked_me_if_i/
%
Why are foot models legends?

They have achieved incredible feats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egakmi/why_are_foot_models_legends/
%
Christmas sweater

I got another sweater for Christmas. Another goddamn sweater. Why can’t I get a moaner or a screamer?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/egajj6/christmas_sweater/
%
I have a scary joke about math

But I'm 2² to say it.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ega9f1/i_have_a_scary_joke_about_math/
%
The day after xmas a man is incredibly drunk after promising his wife he wouldn't drink, and stands up to go home ...

SMASH .. He smashes face-first down on the ground, he's so wasted.  He grabs a bar stool and drags himself up to the bar, resting his weight against it for a second and makes a move for the door.
'SMACK' straight down onto the floor again, crawls to the door, and spend the next 50 minutes getting himself home using streetlights, phone booths, anything he can.  Finally, crawling up the stairs, and just about manages to get himself into bed without waking the wife.  He thinks he got away with it.
The next morning his wife wakes him:  'You were drunk last night!'
'How could you possibly know that?' he spluttered
'The barman phoned, you left your wheelchair in the bar'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ega6gr/the_day_after_xmas_a_man_is_incredibly_drunk/
%
If I had a nickel for everytime I said anything racist,

A black mothafucka would’ve probably stolen from me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ega471/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_everytime_i_said_anything/
%
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.

It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg9zx4/so_i_woke_up_to_a_blowjob_this_morning/
%
What did they say about the guy that didn't like funerals?

He wasn't a mourning person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg9zqi/what_did_they_say_about_the_guy_that_didnt_like/
%
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg9zey/yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_spill_all_his_scrabble/
%
My friend and I were walking down the street when we saw a beautiful girl drive by and whip out her breasts and shake them at us.

Me: "Wow! That was quite a show!"
Friend: "Sure, but I see that all the time at work."
Me: "You do? I thought you were worked in IT."
Friend: "Yeah. That was just a flash drive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg9tn4/my_friend_and_i_were_walking_down_the_street_when/
%
I think my neighbor might be stalking me.

She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg9qba/i_think_my_neighbor_might_be_stalking_me/
%
In 2020 I’m going to try to upgrade from a HD to a 4K TV

It’s my New Years resolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg9m0f/in_2020_im_going_to_try_to_upgrade_from_a_hd_to_a/
%
Post death, what is the last organ that remains warm in the female body?

My penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg9agf/post_death_what_is_the_last_organ_that_remains/
%
A man walks into a bar

He walks up to the barkeeper and says
“You wouldn’t believe what I’ve just done , I stood
in some dog shit”,
The bar keeper says
“Yea that keeps happening, I wish people would pick up their shit”,
A second guy walks into the bar and says to the bar keeper,
“You wouldn’t believe it I just stepped in some shit”,
The bar keeper says
“Funny you should mention that , just now/ he did that “, pointing at the first man
The second man turns around and punches the first man in the face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg9af8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
There's a room with a zoophile, a torturer, a pyromaniacal, an assasin and a sadomasochist

Zoophile:  What if we fuck a cat?
Torturer: Yeah and then we torture it!
Pyromaniacal: And then burn it!
Assasin: Aaa aand kill it!
Masochist: ... Meow?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg98qu/theres_a_room_with_a_zoophile_a_torturer_a/
%
What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese phone.
*wing wing* “Halo?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg95j2/what_has_two_wings_and_a_halo/
%
How do i give my cat a pill?

Grab your cat and place it around your arm as if you were holding a baby. Place your right index finger and thumb on both sides of the cat's mouth and gently apply some pressure while holding the pill in the other hand. As soon as your cat opens the mouth, throw the pill in and give the cat the opportunity to swallow.
Find the pill off the floor and remove the cat from behind the couch. Place the cat in the curve of your arm again and repeat the process.
Remove the cat from the bedroom and throw away the dirty damp pill.
Take a new pill from the box, grab the cat in your arm again while holding both front legs tightly. Push the jaws up and push the pill in with the right index finger. Keep the cat's mouth closed for at least 10 seconds.
Remove the pill from the goldfish bowl and the cat from the top of the cupboard. Call your spouse out of the garden.
Kneel on the floor and force your cat between your knees and take a firm hold of its paws. Ignore the low growling. Have your partner hold the cup firmly and open the mouth two with a wooden ruler. Throw the pill in through the ruler and rub the cat's throat firmly to stimulate swallowing.
Remove your cat from the curtain rail and take a new pill from the box. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair the curtains. Wipe the broken statuettes and vases to the side for later cleaning up or possibly gluing.
Turn your cat in a large towel and let your partner lie on the cat, so that the cat's head is just visible from under his armpit. Suck the pill with a straw and force the mouth open. Blow the pill through the straw in the cat's throat.
Check the package leaflet to be sure that these pills are harmless to people and have a beer to wash away the taste. Disinfect your partner's arm and put a bandage around it. Remove the blood stains from the floor covering.
Get your cat off the roof of the neighbor's shed. Grab a new pill and have another beer. Place your cat in the kitchen cupboard in such a way that the cat's head just sticks out. Force the mouth open and shoot the pill down your pet's throat with a rubber band.
Remove a screwdriver from the garage and put the kitchen cabinet door back in its hinges. Find the Whiskey bottle. Take a big breath and put a cold whiskey compress on your cheeks to disinfect. Check if your tetanos injection is still valid. Discard your frayed sweater and put on a new one.
Call the fire department to get the cat out of the tree. Make apologies to the neighbor who, while avoiding your cat, drove through his own fence. Take the last pill from the box.
Tape the two front legs of the animal together and tie it securely to the leg of the dining table. Take your heavy work gloves and put them on. Push the pill in and press a piece of meat behind it and don't be too careful. Then grab a glass of water. Hold the cat's head vertically and pour the water in to force him to swallow.
Take the last bit of Whiskey, ask your partner to drive you to the emergency room and let your fingers and forearm stick there and remove the remnants of the pill from your right eye.
Call the furniture store en route to order a new dining table.
Call the animal shelter for advice and ask at the pet store if they also have hamsters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg8s6g/how_do_i_give_my_cat_a_pill/
%
An old friend of the Abbott of a Benedictine monastery visits him and is invited to stay for an evening meal.

The monks eat in silence until one monk stands up and says, "16".
The other monks all laugh heartily and then go back to eating their meal in silence.
A few minutes later another monk stands up and says "32", at which point all the monks collapse into gales of laughter. The Abbott laughs so much that tears run down his cheeks.
When everyone is eating again the visitor says to the Abbott, "I don't understand, father. Why do you all laugh when someone says a number?"
"Well," says the Abbott, "we all love jokes. But we are a closed community, and so all the jokes are well-known by everyone. To save time, we wrote the jokes down and gave each of them a number. So if one of us says a number we all remember the relevant joke."
"Could I have a go?" asks the visitor and the Abbott says that will be fine.
So, a few minutes later the visitor stands up and says "24". But this time no-one laughs. All the monks look at him in silence and then go back to their meal.
"I don't understand it. Why did no-one laugh when I said '24'?" asks the visitor.
"I don't know," says the Abbott. Perhaps it's the way you tell 'em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg8s1s/an_old_friend_of_the_abbott_of_a_benedictine/
%
How did the duck ruin his life?

Quack-cocaine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg8qxa/how_did_the_duck_ruin_his_life/
%
Two guys at a bar.

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a\*\*hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg8psl/two_guys_at_a_bar/
%
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg8okw/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_same_thing/
%
Hey girl, are you a gorilla enclosure?

Because i'd put a baby in you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg8m9t/hey_girl_are_you_a_gorilla_enclosure/
%
Everybody knows Dave!

Everybody knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg8m43/everybody_knows_dave/
%
I recently came out to my best friend and told him I was gay. He turned his back on me...

That was his first mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg8k55/i_recently_came_out_to_my_best_friend_and_told/
%
What are Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger and Dig 'Em most afraid of?

Cereal Killers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg8f9q/what_are_captain_crunch_tony_the_tiger_and_dig_em/
%
My psychiatrist really helped me a lot.

I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid.
Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg8chy/my_psychiatrist_really_helped_me_a_lot/
%
Einstein and the Arabic guy

Einstein and an Arabic guy were on a long long train ride so Einstein said:
"Let's play a game, I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you give me $5"
And the Arabic guy responded, "If I ask you a question and you don't know the answer you give me $100"
They agreed to the rules and started playing, Einstein went first:
"What is the 100th prime number?"
The Arabic guy reached into his pocket and gave Einstein $5.
The Arabic guy then asked, "what goes up the mountain with 3 legs and comes back with 1?"
Einstein was stumped and gave the old man $100.
Einstein, desperate for the answer, then asked the Arabic man the same question, "what goes up the mountain with 3 legs and comes back with 1?"
And the Arabic man reached into his pocket and gave him the 5 bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg7xrx/einstein_and_the_arabic_guy/
%
A timber recycling centre placed a job ad seeking an experienced timber sorter.

And one morning in walks a guy wearing dark glasses and using a white cane.
"I've come about the timber sorting position", he tells the lady at reception.
She gets her husband, the boss, who takes one look at the guy and says, "No offence pal, but how do you intend to sort timber if you can't see it?"
"I sort by smell, texture and feel." says the guy.
"OK", says the boss, "let's see how you go."
He sits the guy down in the warehouse and has the boys bring in several differently sized pieces of wood which he hands to the guy one after the other.
"That's easy!", says the guy about the first piece, "That's Sitka spruce, 2 by 4."
"Ahh, trying to be tricky are you? Well, I'm not easily fooled, that's Brazilian mahogany, 1 by 1 square." he says of the second piece.
This goes on for 20 minutes and no matter what they bring, he gets the wood type right.
Finally the boss has had enough and he steps out to reception where gets his wife to step out of her undies. He tells the guy that if he gets this one right, by smell alone, he's got the job.
The boss holds the panties close to the guy's nose and he recoils with a very puzzled look on his face. He's definitely stumped and asks the owner if he can have another smell.
The boss turns the panties around and let's him try again. Once more the guy looks puzzled and then he smiles knowingly.
"You almost had me there sir, but that is obviously the shit-house door off a sardine boat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg7w0b/a_timber_recycling_centre_placed_a_job_ad_seeking/
%
How many Jehovas witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, and two to go to your house and ask if you've seen the light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg7vtj/how_many_jehovas_witnesses_does_it_take_to_change/
%
Wait a minute, Doc! Are you telling me you built a time machine out of a Beskar minivan?

Yes Marty! It's a Van-DeLorean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg7moj/wait_a_minute_doc_are_you_telling_me_you_built_a/
%
A monkey and a cue ball.

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the
bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some
sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and
grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's
amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and
somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and
said, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied
the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't
worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill,
paid for the stuff the monkey ate and
left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and
had his monkey with him. He ordered a
drink and the monkey started running
around the bar. The monkey found a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He
grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it
out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and
again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out
and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what
that filthy ape just did?"
"No, what?" asked the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry
and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled
them out and ate them."
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied
the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever
since he had to shit out that cue ball, he
measures everything first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg77ea/a_monkey_and_a_cue_ball/
%
Been sitting in the ER all night. Don’t really want to go into details but...

The “Dyson Ball Cleaner” has a very misleading product name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg72mu/been_sitting_in_the_er_all_night_dont_really_want/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?

Porcupine has the pricks the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg6q5o/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...

Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg6ne9/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
What does bread and a bath have in common?

Both can be improved with a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg6lpq/what_does_bread_and_a_bath_have_in_common/
%
Job interviewer: "What would you say is your greatest weakness?"

Me: Interpreting semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.
Interviewer: Could you give an example?
Me: Yes, I could.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg6d3h/job_interviewer_what_would_you_say_is_your/
%
What do people do at a party with Medusa?

They get stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg6aa6/what_do_people_do_at_a_party_with_medusa/
%
My New Year’s resolution for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds.

Only 15 to go!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg69c6/my_new_years_resolution_for_2019_was_to_lose_10/
%
What dog is breed is a ‘divorce’?

My parents said they’re getting one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg64zi/what_dog_is_breed_is_a_divorce/
%
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg63fr/to_the_person_who_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft/
%
Why did Jack and Jill break up after reaching the top of the hill?

It was all down hill from there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg6079/why_did_jack_and_jill_break_up_after_reaching_the/
%
Did you hear the woman screaming while the gynecologist was probing her?

She had an ovary action.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg5vai/did_you_hear_the_woman_screaming_while_the/
%
What was Juicewrld's favourite restaurant?

Lil Seizures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg5uoo/what_was_juicewrlds_favourite_restaurant/
%
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg5nwj/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
Did you hear about the lawyer that got lost on a camping trip with one of his clients?

He was found with criminal in-tent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg5mds/did_you_hear_about_the_lawyer_that_got_lost_on_a/
%
Have you heard of the prostitute with a degree in mathematics?

It's the thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg5ji5/have_you_heard_of_the_prostitute_with_a_degree_in/
%
What do you call a Hispanic who doesn't drive?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg5h48/what_do_you_call_a_hispanic_who_doesnt_drive/
%
I know a guy who lives in North Korea

He says he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg5fim/i_know_a_guy_who_lives_in_north_korea/
%
A preacher trained his horse...

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said "Thank God" and to stop when he said "Amen."
The preacher mounted the horse and said "Thank God" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch , he said " "Amen." He took off again saying "Thank God"
The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said "whoa! whoa!" Then he remembered and said "Amen" and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said "Thank God!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg5em8/a_preacher_trained_his_horse/
%
A woman goes to her Gynaecologist.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said:
"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, They're the stickers off the bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg5a00/a_woman_goes_to_her_gynaecologist/
%
11 years ago tonight, my friend called me and screamed, "It's a boy! It's a boy!"

He hasn't been back to Thailand since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg56f4/11_years_ago_tonight_my_friend_called_me_and/
%
How do Romans make arts and crafts?

With Caesars and gluesticks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg55s5/how_do_romans_make_arts_and_crafts/
%
A guy has lost his eye in an accident

He can't afford to get a glass eye, so his doctor says,
"Well, I have an old wooden eye I could put in. I could paint it to look like the other one."
The man agrees and lets the doctor implant the wooden eye.
Later, he decides to "test" his new eye and goes to a club.
He sees a heavier woman in the corner looking lonely.
He goes to her and says,
"Excuse me ma'am but would you like to dance?"
And the woman excitedly exclaims,
"Oh would I! Would I!"
And the man frowns and replies,
"Fine. Fat bitch, fat bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg54um/a_guy_has_lost_his_eye_in_an_accident/
%
I hate it when people cheat on their taxes.

That’s not the kind of world I want my 35 dependents to live in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg51v9/i_hate_it_when_people_cheat_on_their_taxes/
%
What did the redditor say when he robbed a bank with explosives?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg519l/what_did_the_redditor_say_when_he_robbed_a_bank/
%
I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: you are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: oh I see
Me: [screaming intensifies]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg4u8t/im_terrified_of_random_letters/
%
I searched a list of ten puns to find one that made me laugh...

No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg4l9b/i_searched_a_list_of_ten_puns_to_find_one_that/
%
A woman is walking home with her three daughters: Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock

Rose: “Mom, why did you name me Rose?”
Mom: “Well, when we were coming from the hospital, a rose petal fell on your head.”
Lily: “Why did you name me Lily?”
Mom: “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital, a lily petal fell on your head.
Cinderblock: “Hghghfgggh!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg4jvj/a_woman_is_walking_home_with_her_three_daughters/
%
I went to the doctors recently

Doctor: “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
Me: “Like bacon and burgers?”
Doc: “No, fatty, don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg4hk1/i_went_to_the_doctors_recently/
%
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg4gqf/my_boss_just_told_me_that_im_the_worst_mailman_he/
%
What's the worst thing about dating a pirate?

You don't know if he's winking at other women or just blinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg4fwn/whats_the_worst_thing_about_dating_a_pirate/
%
The pool on the titanic is still full...

Let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg48kg/the_pool_on_the_titanic_is_still_full/
%
Booty pics and golf are surprisingly similar, in that

A hole in one is both rare and satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg48ir/booty_pics_and_golf_are_surprisingly_similar_in/
%
It’s OK to kiss a nun,

but, don’t get into that habit .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg47ie/its_ok_to_kiss_a_nun/
%
Have you heard about the guy with five dicks?

His pants fit like a glove!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg46db/have_you_heard_about_the_guy_with_five_dicks/
%
Today hasn't been the greatest.

I got the chance to go horse back riding, something I haven't done in a while. Big mistake. I got on the horse and started out slowly, but I got cocky. So we started going a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. And when I tried to stop the horse, I couldn't stop him, he must have gotten spooked or something. He was out of control, so I decided to try to jump off the horse, and instead, I fell off, but as I was falling, my foot got caught in the stirrup , so the horse was dragging me. And he wouldn't stop. Every time I screamed at him to stop, the horse went faster. Thank goodness the manager at Toys-R-Us came out and unplugged the machine. But he had the nerve to take the rest of my coins so I wouldn't attempt to ride it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg44gs/today_hasnt_been_the_greatest/
%
How do you say hello to a German who likes bread?

Gluten Tag!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg42jl/how_do_you_say_hello_to_a_german_who_likes_bread/
%
Damn, there's still 364 days until Christmas...

And people already have their decorations up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg40oj/damn_theres_still_364_days_until_christmas/
%
I love the way the earth rotates...

It really makes my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg3zr2/i_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
%
I bought a smart car recently and I unfortunately got in an accident

Now my car has a learning disability

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg3tvv/i_bought_a_smart_car_recently_and_i_unfortunately/
%
How many nuns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Trick question. Nuns don’t screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg3pli/how_many_nuns_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
Three soldiers are about to be executed near a forest.

The first soldier goes to stand in front of the firing squad. The firing squad load their shotguns, but before they can shoot, the first soldier scream: "Tornado!"
The firing squad quickly turns around to look, but there is no tornado. The soldier had tricked them, and has now escaped into the forest.
The second soldier stands in front of the firing squad. As the firing squad prepares to shoot, the second soldier screams: "Storm!"
Yet again, the firing squad turns around to see nothing, and the soldier escapes.
The third soldier is confident he can make it out alive. He stands in front of the firing squad, and shortly after they loaded their shotguns, he screams: "Fire!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg3nxn/three_soldiers_are_about_to_be_executed_near_a/
%
Isaac Newton died a virgin.

That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius.
Because I'm not dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg3m6b/isaac_newton_died_a_virgin/
%
I went to the grocery store.

The sign said "No food or drinks inside"
So I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg3l0u/i_went_to_the_grocery_store/
%
I had to quit my job crushing old cans

It was just soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg3iqu/i_had_to_quit_my_job_crushing_old_cans/
%
Some people are like slinkies.

Not good for much. But fun when you push them down stairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg3ht5/some_people_are_like_slinkies/
%
Two Catholic priests were standing at the urinals.

One priest looked over at the other and noticed he had a nicotine patch on his penis. Shocked and appalled, he exclaimed, "That's not where a nicotine patch goes!"
The other priest looks back, smiles and says, "I don't know about you but I'm down to two butts a day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg3fxi/two_catholic_priests_were_standing_at_the_urinals/
%
What do you call an Italian Mathmatician who lies

Fib o nacci

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg3eie/what_do_you_call_an_italian_mathmatician_who_lies/
%
What does a Lawyer wear?

**A LAWSUIT**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg3e1j/what_does_a_lawyer_wear/
%
A teacher is discussing with a boy and girl about Christian faith

The teacher asks them, “Now, where do good people go to when they die?” The boy pokes the girl with a pencil and she pops up and yells, “For heavens sake!” The teacher tells her that she is right.
The teacher then asks, “So, what religious figure is known to be the son of god?” The boy pokes the girl once again and she stands up and yells out, “My lord!” “Very good, you’re right!”, responded the teacher.
The teacher then asks one final question, “Finally, what did Eve say to Adam when they gave birth to their 80th child?” The boy once again pokes the girl and she stands up and in rage, she yells, “If you put that thing in me one more time, I’m gonna lose it till the day I die!”
The teacher faints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg3du9/a_teacher_is_discussing_with_a_boy_and_girl_about/
%
What kind of bees produce milk?

Boo bees.
(Not mine, my friend told me this joke but he doesn’t have Reddit.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg38vq/what_kind_of_bees_produce_milk/
%
(From my 9 year-old son) What type of fish should you use to catch other fish?

Bait-a fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg36wo/from_my_9_yearold_son_what_type_of_fish_should/
%
Why shouldn’t you hang your diplomas on the refrigerator?

Because a refrigerator shouldn’t have too many degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg338t/why_shouldnt_you_hang_your_diplomas_on_the/
%
If you’re here for yodeling lessons please form an

Orderly, Orderly, Orderly Queue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg312r/if_youre_here_for_yodeling_lessons_please_form_an/
%
This goes out to the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket.

You can hide but you can’t run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg300d/this_goes_out_to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_that/
%
What do you call lots of sheep rolling down a hill?

A lambslide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg2z1d/what_do_you_call_lots_of_sheep_rolling_down_a_hill/
%
A man find himself feeling really, really, very horny but also short on money.

Nevertheless,  he heads to his local bordello in search of some relief.
He walks in, goes to the nice lady at the front desk, and slaps a $5 dollar bill on the counter.  "Lady, this is all the money I got, but I really need some satisfaction, if you get my meaning.  What can you do for me?"
The nice lady says, "Well, we don't usually do this," she snatches money from the counter, "but if you go down the hall, third door on your RIGHT, you should find what you need."
The man thanks her, then makes his way down the hall to the third door on the right and goes in.  In the middle of room on the floor is a mattress, and on that mattress is a chicken.
At first,  the man is grossed out.  "This is disgusting,  I would never."  But soon, his urges get the best him and he ends up having sex with the chicken.  He leaves the bordello with a smile and is surprised at how much he enjoyed himself.
The next day, the man finds himself really very horny again, with even less money.   Still, he heads back to the bordello hoping to get lucky again.
He walks in, goes to the nice lady at the front desk, and puts 3 wrinkly dollar bills on the counter.  "Lady, this is all the money I got, but I really need some satisfaction, if you get my meaning.  What can you do for me?"
The nice lady says, "You again, huh?" she snatches money from the counter, "Go down the hall, third door on your LEFT, you'll find what you need."
The man thanks her, then makes his way down the hall to the third door on the left and goes in.
This room is set up as a theater, and there are several men jerking off to a video playing of a man having sex with an inflatable doll.
Our hero sees this and exclaims in disgust,  "This is terrible.   I can't get off on this.  This is some depraved shit."
One of other patrons hears him and says, "Aww, this is nothin'.  Yesterday, we seen some guy fuckin' a chicken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg2xwc/a_man_find_himself_feeling_really_really_very/
%
What sound does a dog make after eating a candy cane?

Peppermint bark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg2sh3/what_sound_does_a_dog_make_after_eating_a_candy/
%
For Xmas I had the words “ I love you” tattooed on my dick

My wife said
Stop trying to put words in my mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg2nhf/for_xmas_i_had_the_words_i_love_you_tattooed_on/
%
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess... in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like... what???...

He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, an ice cold beer, a couple of aspirins, and a note that simply says "*love you*".
He stumbles outside the room and sees broken glass, a broken lamp, mud (or vomit) in the carpet, half the clothes he was wearing the day before stinking of alcohol and cigarette laying in the floor... he has no idea what happened, so he calls for his son.
"where is your mom?" He asks.
"she went to the store to get a new door lock" The kid answers.
"ok... do you know what happened yesterday?"
"i sure do" says the kid; "you came home at around 5am drunk off your mind, you parked the car in the front lawn, after doing a couple of *doughnuts* on the front lawn with the car, then, you couldnt fit the key on the front door, and started knocking the door really hard and yelling for us to open, waking the neighbors that where still not awake because of the car parking, but you didnt wait for us, so you ended up kicking open the door after failing to force your way in..."
"...afterwards, you stumbled into the table at the entrance breaking the lamp grandma left mom before she passed away..."
"...after that, you tried to go up the stairs, and knocked off the wall most of the framed pictures we had hanging, thats when you vomited all over yourself."
"So, what happened then?" asked the still hung over man.
"Me and mom reached you half way up the stairs and understood you couldnt be talked to, so we dragged you up the stairs, by then you where trying to undress yourself, but couldnt really do it. You only got half your shirt off so mom unbuttoned the rest and then reached for your pants..."
"And then what happened????"
"Well, mom was trying to take your vomit soaked pants off when you very strongly pushed her aside, and yelled, "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU WHORE! IM A MARRIED MAN!" just before blacking out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg2m70/a_married_man_arrives_piss_drunk_to_his_home_he/
%
Wife keeps saying baking is difficult. Finally tried my hand at it

It was a piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg2fql/wife_keeps_saying_baking_is_difficult_finally/
%
I was kidnapped by some mimes 4 years ago today

The things they did to me were just unspeakable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg2ffz/i_was_kidnapped_by_some_mimes_4_years_ago_today/
%
The only thing that flat-earthers fear

is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg2dzy/the_only_thing_that_flatearthers_fear/
%
What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?

A FIZZician
I know, I’m lame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg2cq4/what_kind_of_dr_is_dr_pepper/
%
Asked my girlfriend who’s into fitness and nutrition, to take a break and have a cheat day

She slept with her best friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg2cpb/asked_my_girlfriend_whos_into_fitness_and/
%
The Greek god of open wounds!

Herpes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg29vv/the_greek_god_of_open_wounds/
%
I got my son a refrigerator for Christmas. And....

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg294h/i_got_my_son_a_refrigerator_for_christmas_and/
%
What do you call a cow that's just given birth ?

Decalfinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg2635/what_do_you_call_a_cow_thats_just_given_birth/
%
What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile?

"Get in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg25w8/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_getting_in/
%
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

Otherwise it would have been called the Teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg20ou/did_you_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in_west/
%
The medical code of ethics is way too strict. Apparently, I’m not allowed to marry a patient even if we’re in a consensual relationship.

I’m really starting to hate being a veterinarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg1xg6/the_medical_code_of_ethics_is_way_too_strict/
%
Wife: Is that what you're wearing?

Me: I guess not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg1sff/wife_is_that_what_youre_wearing/
%
The opposite of Microsoft Office is...

Macrohard Onfire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg1s39/the_opposite_of_microsoft_office_is/
%
A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg1qj3/a_politician_uses_statistics_like_a_drunk_uses_a/
%
If anyone has a voodoo doll of me...

...please put it on a treadmill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg1nnc/if_anyone_has_a_voodoo_doll_of_me/
%
What's Gordon Ramsey's favorite subreddit?

IT'S FUCKING r/aww!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg1m1q/whats_gordon_ramseys_favorite_subreddit/
%
News: A Major Fashion Label Releases a Cream for Yeast Infections

It's called "Gucci Coochie Goo".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg1fnc/news_a_major_fashion_label_releases_a_cream_for/
%
Why is it hard to makes puns for kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg1di7/why_is_it_hard_to_makes_puns_for_kleptomaniacs/
%
I broke my finger last week

On the other hand, I’m okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg1au7/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
%
What did the boy say to his sister when he hurt his toe?

Mitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg18l2/what_did_the_boy_say_to_his_sister_when_he_hurt/
%
How did the anti vaxxers travel?

They flu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg16ax/how_did_the_anti_vaxxers_travel/
%
The young queen of France was getting her clothes washed.

One of the maids called on the other slightly deaf maid to come down and help her wash the clothes.
"Hey, can you help me? There is a stain on The Majesties pants!"
"Come again?"
"Probably!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg0oov/the_young_queen_of_france_was_getting_her_clothes/
%
I have a scary joke about math...

...but I am 2^2 to say it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg0i6g/i_have_a_scary_joke_about_math/
%
How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?

They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg0h6q/how_do_disney_princesses_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
A vegan once told me.....

A vegan once told me that eating meat was gross..... I then replied a man who sells fruit and vegetables is grocer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg0g0g/a_vegan_once_told_me/
%
What does a hermit crab call its home?

Michelle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg0c23/what_does_a_hermit_crab_call_its_home/
%
What do you call a blind German?

A not see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg099k/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
%
Bread puns happened when you

Yeast expect them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eg032y/bread_puns_happened_when_you/
%
I heard Macy's is selling this new perfume that has that "new Tesla smell"

They're calling it 'Elon Musk'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efzuz8/i_heard_macys_is_selling_this_new_perfume_that/
%
Someone wrote a book on clock fetishes.

It's about fucking time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efzjzy/someone_wrote_a_book_on_clock_fetishes/
%
British food looks like crap until you try it.

Then you try it and the weather suddenly seems amazing compared to the food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efzhpw/british_food_looks_like_crap_until_you_try_it/
%
My new years resolution is to try to always be a "Cup half full" type of person.

Whiskey. Vodka. Wine. Whatever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efz9ms/my_new_years_resolution_is_to_try_to_always_be_a/
%
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efz6mr/i_know_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
How does Santa count his girls

Ho ho ho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efz0wk/how_does_santa_count_his_girls/
%
What do you call a camel you can't see?

A Camo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efz069/what_do_you_call_a_camel_you_cant_see/
%
What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch??

Seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efyv94/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_in_a_lettuce_patch/
%
What do a prostitute and a Vegan dairy farmer have in common?

They both make a living milking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efybhe/what_do_a_prostitute_and_a_vegan_dairy_farmer/
%
What do you call the gay ocean community?

AlgaeBT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efy2ug/what_do_you_call_the_gay_ocean_community/
%
Stop saying your life is a joke.

A joke has a meaning to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efy1rq/stop_saying_your_life_is_a_joke/
%
What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efxwg4/what_is_the_worst_combination_of_illnesses/
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I can see that next year is going to be a good year

Because it's going to be 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efxuat/i_can_see_that_next_year_is_going_to_be_a_good/
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Justice is best served cold...

...bcs if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
credit to u/elhermanobrother for the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efxme6/justice_is_best_served_cold/
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A man goes into his bosses office

Man: I was just checking in to see if I could get the day off to help my wife do the yearly christmas cleaning?
Boss: Absolutely not.
Man: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efxg6k/a_man_goes_into_his_bosses_office/
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Half of the people want to build a wall, the other half thinks we shouldn’t

Personally I’m on the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efxely/half_of_the_people_want_to_build_a_wall_the_other/
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When on a first date you should always carve your initials together on something.

It's the most romantic way to show them you have a knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efxa3b/when_on_a_first_date_you_should_always_carve_your/
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ONE Saturday, Frank was mowing the lawn when the bloke from next door walked up to the closest tree, flopped out his cock and unleashed a massive stream of piss.

Frank snuck a quick peek and was shocked but impressed to see the fella’s knob was the size of an elephant’s trunk!
“Fuck me sideways, Kevin,” exclaimed Frank. “That’s gotta be the biggest knob in the world! What’s the secret to growing one that big?”
“Well,” smiled Kevin, “every night before I root a chick, I whack my donger on the bedpost three times. It fuckin’ works – and it really impresses the ladies!”
Frank thanked Kevin, then hastily wrapped up mowing the lawn. When he got inside his wife was resting, so he tiptoed into the bedroom and decided to try his mate’s advice.
He dropped his trousers and whacked his donger on the bedpost three times, waking her up.
“Make it a quick root, Kevin,” she murmured, her eyes still closed, “my stupid husband will finish mowing the lawn soon.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efx9bq/one_saturday_frank_was_mowing_the_lawn_when_the/
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I got a gun for Christmas but I can’t fire it

I suppose I should check the “Trouble Shooting?” guide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efx90t/i_got_a_gun_for_christmas_but_i_cant_fire_it/
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Who do mice pray to

Cheesus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efx3bi/who_do_mice_pray_to/
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A sequence of events...

There once was a fly hovering above a pond who wanted to drop an inch to eat some food. In that pond was a frog who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch I can jump and eat them!”. Under the water there was a fish who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch that frog will jump for it and I can burst out of the water and eat the frog!”. Above the water there was a bird who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch the frog will jump to eat it and the fish will burst from the water to eat the frog and I can swoop and eat the fish!”. On the shore a hunter stood and thought to themself “If that fly drops an inch then the frog will jump for the fly, the fish will burst for the frog, the bird will swoop for the fish and I can shoot the bird!”. A mouse stood behind the hunter and thought “Fly drops an inch, frog jumps, fish bursts, bird swoops, hunter shoots, and the recoil of the shot will knock the ham sandwich out of the hunter’s pocket!”. There is a cat. Watching the whole scene and they think “Fly drops an inch, frog jumps, fish bursts, bird swoops, hunter shoots, sandwich drops, mouse runs, I eat the mouse!”.
Well... The fly drops an inch, the frog jumps to eat the fly, the fish bursts out of the water to eat the frog, the bird swoops to eat the fish, the hunter shoots at the bird, the recoil knocks the ham sandwich from his pocket, the mouse runs for it, and the cat goes for the mouse but slips and falls into the pond. The moral of the story? It takes a lot of foreplay to get a pussy wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efww73/a_sequence_of_events/
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Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can't survive a slap from a newspaper.

That shows how toxic the media is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efwvkt/cockroaches_can_survive_a_nuclear_holocaust_but/
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A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows.

I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efwum8/a_cowboy_asked_me_if_i_could_help_him_round_up_18/
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What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efwu4t/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
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Her: Take off my bra

Me: Ok
Her: Take off my Panties
Me: Wow, ok
Her: Stop wearing my clothes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efwtx4/her_take_off_my_bra/
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“Never Apologise! Never Explain!”

Sorry, that’s my motto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efwtu5/never_apologise_never_explain/
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I like my co-workers the same way I like Coca Cola.

I don't like Coca Cola.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efwt82/i_like_my_coworkers_the_same_way_i_like_coca_cola/
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A guy died of heart attack a few hours after his wedding vows.

His wife wanted dick so bad that she cut the penis off her man's body, filled it with cement & hung it on the bedroom wall.
Every night she used to go to the wall & get herself satisfied.
A neighbour once came for condolences and noticed the thing hanging and realized what's going on.
The very next day he made a hole in the wall, removed the husband's penis & put his own penis in place of that & waited to get night.
The lady that night came with a knife... cut his penis & said...
"Darling, today we are moving to our new house..!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efwrq9/a_guy_died_of_heart_attack_a_few_hours_after_his/
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What did the shoelace get for Christmas?

Coal. He was on the knotty list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efwng5/what_did_the_shoelace_get_for_christmas/
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Have you noticed that small men often wear pointy red hats?

... it’s a little gnome fact

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efwg41/have_you_noticed_that_small_men_often_wear_pointy/
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What’s black and white, but never red?

The terms of service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efwcnf/whats_black_and_white_but_never_red/
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Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efw5qi/within_minutes_the_detective_figured_out_what_the/
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A couple were walking through Moscow one day in the 60's

An old friend of theirs, Olf, who was a member of their local communist party wing, started talking to them.
Olf always had a reputation for being kind at heart, but gruff and a bit sour in conversation.
As they finished their conversation, Olf told them it would start raining in around an hour and a half.
As they left, the husband remarked how accurate Olf's weather predictions always were.
The wife said "Well of course, Rude Olf the Red knows rain, dear".
\[disclaimer: i don't claim this joke as my own, but have heard it from a friend, and not seen it posted here\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efvuqs/a_couple_were_walking_through_moscow_one_day_in/
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-I made a statue of Batman.

-What did you make it of?
-Just-ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efvrly/i_made_a_statue_of_batman/
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Farmer 1:What kind of person would make a path through my wheat field?

Farmer 2:I guessing a scythopath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efvlgr/farmer_1what_kind_of_person_would_make_a_path/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Don't worry, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efvf4k/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
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I just burned 2000 calories after my xmas feast

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efvefe/i_just_burned_2000_calories_after_my_xmas_feast/
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My TV is a slut.

It can be turned on by many remote controls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efvdfa/my_tv_is_a_slut/
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Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says "Have you read Marx" ?

The other says "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efvd0q/two_communists_are_sitting_on_a_porch_in_a_nudist/
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How is the new secretary?

Wife: How is the new secretary?
Husband: Ok
Wife: How does she dress?
Husband: Quickly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efvcxx/how_is_the_new_secretary/
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A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act (same but different)

Somewhere out deep on an Alabama lake there's a **R**edneck lighting sticks of dynamite and tossing them into the water. After each tremendous explosion, he grabs his net and pulls the dead fish into his boat. Before too long, the **G**ame **W**arden races out, lights and sirens blaring and screaming at the top of his lungs:
**GW**: "Hey! Just what in THE HELL do you think you're DOING!?"
**R**: "Wuts it look like Warden? I'm fishin'"
**GW**: "Are you CRAZY? This is illegal! How'd you get that dynamite anyways? Is that boat registered? Do you even have a license??...."
The redneck cuts him off by handing the warden a lit stick of dynamite and says:
"Look, do you wanna argue or do you wanna fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efvaag/a_game_warden_catches_an_unlicensed_fisherman_in/
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Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu's house

Dr. Strange : Knock, knock
Dormamu : Who's there?
Dr. Strange : door mom
Dormamu : door mom who?
Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efv4u4/dr_strange_goes_to_dormamus_house/
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It’s good news for insomniacs

Only 10 more sleeps till Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efv1hs/its_good_news_for_insomniacs/
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A bearded jolly-looking fat white man in a red suit and with bandaged stumps where his hands used to be walks into a bar and orders a beer with a straw.

"Who are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "Well I just lost both my hands in a freak sleigh accident last night," the man replies. "So I guess just call me Canta Plaus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efv0do/a_bearded_jollylooking_fat_white_man_in_a_red/
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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.
“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?”
“I’m marrying a Russet!”
“A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”
As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother, I too, have an announcement.”
“And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!”
“You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?”
“I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter. “An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.
“Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.”
“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!”
“Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?”
“I’m marrying Dan Rather!”
“DAN RATHER?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efurp4/mr_and_mrs_potato_had_three_daughters_who_were_as/
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What's every elf's favourite type of music?

Wrap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efurdq/whats_every_elfs_favourite_type_of_music/
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My roommate says our house is haunted

I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efuo8i/my_roommate_says_our_house_is_haunted/
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Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?

No sun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efujkd/dad_can_you_tell_me_what_a_solar_eclipse_is_like/
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My wife thinks I’m nosey, shameless and have no respect for her privacy.

Honestly, the things she writes about me in her diary are often really mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efuerb/my_wife_thinks_im_nosey_shameless_and_have_no/
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Where do toy stores keep their Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efuen9/where_do_toy_stores_keep_their_schwarzenegger/
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What do you call a seal with net electrical charge?

A sea lion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efu5w5/what_do_you_call_a_seal_with_net_electrical_charge/
%
To this day, the boy who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money....

On the plus side he makes a great Big Mac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efu49c/to_this_day_the_boy_who_used_to_bully_me_at/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number...

She said, Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight. I said, "Wow" Then her friend said, She means 666-3629.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eftuv3/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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A woman tried to stab her husband's penis but missed and stabbed his thigh. She was later charged with…

…a mis-da-weiner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efteuh/a_woman_tried_to_stab_her_husbands_penis_but/
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What's the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas ornaments?

The ornaments can be rehung again next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eft6a3/whats_the_difference_between_jeffrey_epstein_and/
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It was 11 years ago today.

My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting,
“It’s a boy! It’s a boy!”
Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eft4au/it_was_11_years_ago_today/
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I was down at the quarry and I said to the owner "Nice rock!"

He said "Boulder", so I said "**Nice rock!**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efszpd/i_was_down_at_the_quarry_and_i_said_to_the_owner/
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Amazing Word play

A kiss might make her day but anal will make her hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efsqmg/amazing_word_play/
%
What game is cancer?

And how is my dad already on stage 4?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efsqd7/what_game_is_cancer/
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How is Christmas just like your job?

Easy - you do all the work and some fat fuck in a suit takes all the credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efsneb/how_is_christmas_just_like_your_job/
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Why is a pencil superior than your life ?

Because it has a point .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efshiy/why_is_a_pencil_superior_than_your_life/
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What math equation has been charged with sex offenses?

cos(B)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efs6ua/what_math_equation_has_been_charged_with_sex/
%
A group of blokes were down the pub downing a few schooners.

One of the blokes goes "I don't understand. I roll into the garage all quiet. Nice and light on the breaks. Get to the door and gently move the cat. Quietly open the door head inside and shut it with hardly a sound. Take my boots off and tip toe down the hall and slip into bed and every time the wife goes off! Where the fuck have you been??"
One of the other blokes goes "Nah mate. You're doing it all wrong. You gotta fly down the road. Jump on the brakes. Kick the cat in the guts. Stomp down the hall. Throw off your boots. Jump into bed and ask if she's keen for a root. My wife's sound asleep every time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efrgaz/a_group_of_blokes_were_down_the_pub_downing_a_few/
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I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efrcql/i_told_my_wife_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too_high/
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Some plumbers wanted to have a sleepover

They held a slumber potty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efrbwk/some_plumbers_wanted_to_have_a_sleepover/
%
Yesterday I walked into a zoo.

The only animal in the whole zoo was a dog.
It was a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efr9h0/yesterday_i_walked_into_a_zoo/
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Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?

" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away."  Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking."  Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?"  Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking."  Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efr50s/teacher_asks_her_class_if_theres_14_crows_on_a/
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What do you call a person who spreads flu?

Influenzer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efr2cm/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_spreads_flu/
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I heard Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning.

He ate some 12 year old nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efqztd/i_heard_michael_jackson_actually_died_of_food/
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New Year's Party

Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon, but they must planet first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efqz7a/new_years_party/
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What do you call a starship that works multiple jobs and can't pay of it's student loans?

The Millennial Falcon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efqw6h/what_do_you_call_a_starship_that_works_multiple/
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My dad told me this joke today:

Son: Daddy, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
Dad: No, son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efqvuf/my_dad_told_me_this_joke_today/
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A fly and his fly buddy come across fresh poop...

They land and start eating, when one fly suddenly stops and says:
“Ewww there’s a hair in it”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efqbh6/a_fly_and_his_fly_buddy_come_across_fresh_poop/
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This morning I dropped a copy of A Christmas Carol right on my toe

It hurt like the dickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efq7nk/this_morning_i_dropped_a_copy_of_a_christmas/
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A bear walks into a bar, the bartender freezes in shock.

The bear takes a seat at the counter while the bartender stares. The bear looks at him and says, "Hey pal, how ya doing? Can I get a Martini? House vodka, please." Bewildered and in awe at a talking bear in his bar, the bartender finally spits out, "Uh, yeah. Yes, of course," and starts making it. He brings the martini to him and sets it on the bar. The bear takes a sip of his drink and nods his head sideways expressing a small distaste for it. He puts a 20 down, "It'll just be the one for me today." The bartender takes the money, goes to the register and thinks to himself: This is a bear. There's no way he's been to other bars, I mean, he's not a part of society! How could he know what a martini costs? I'll bet he wouldn't know the difference if I charge him extra. He hands the bear 2 dollars for change. The bear pockets it. "You know, we don't get a lot of...bears...in here." the bartender says, still staring. The bear finishes his drink and says, "Well, 18 dollars for a house martini, I would think not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efq5bs/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_freezes_in/
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There are two types of people:

Those that vote for lying politicians, and those that don't vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efpny1/there_are_two_types_of_people/
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A small plane has an engine failure over the pacific ocean.

Onboard, is the pilot, the world's strongest man, the world's smartest man, and the world's richest man.
There are only 3 parachutes available.
The pilot says to the world's richest man:   You're the world's richest man, so the world needs you. Take a parachute and jump.
The pilot then says to the world's smartest man:   You're the world's smartest man, so the world needs you. Take a parachute and jump.
The pilot then says to the world's strongest man:   You're the world's strongest man, so the world needs you. Take the last parachute and jump.
But the world's strongest man says:   Don't worry, we still have 2 parachutes left, we can both jump.
The pilot replies:  But how? I already gave the 2 other parachutes away.
The world's strongest man then says: Well the world's smartest man just took my backpack and jumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efpl3t/a_small_plane_has_an_engine_failure_over_the/
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A leprechaun, a walking tree, and a dragon walk into a bar

I should quit drinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efpjjn/a_leprechaun_a_walking_tree_and_a_dragon_walk/
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Whats the Grim Reapers best quality?

Hes Dead Sexy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efpjeg/whats_the_grim_reapers_best_quality/
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Blowjobs are great

Even if you suck at it you're still doing it correctly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efpgeo/blowjobs_are_great/
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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into his favorite bar, still hungover from the night before.
The bartender says “You don’t look so good. Want your usual?”
The man says “Yea, sure. You wouldn’t believe the night I had. It was horrible. I blew chunks.”
The bartender says “That’s no big deal; everyone does that when they drink too much.”
The man says, “No, you don’t understand. Chunks is my dog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efp7oj/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife's always watching the Kardashians and I'm always watching the news.

I must be rubbing off on her. Based on her internet search history, she's looking at the BBC all the time now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efp30w/my_wifes_always_watching_the_kardashians_and_im/
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My Grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses.

On Xmas Day she was drinking straight out of the bottle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efp2cb/my_grandmother_is_over_80_and_still_doesnt_need/
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My friend said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.”

I said, “Thanks. Those are called pants, not an ass shirt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efp0gh/my_friend_said_thats_a_niceass_shirt_youre_wearing/
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A termite walks into a bar

and asks, "where's the bar tender?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efoz3n/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a pregnant woman getting mad for no reason?

Ovary-action.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efox1x/what_do_you_call_a_pregnant_woman_getting_mad_for/
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A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efonuq/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar_with_a_parrot_on_his/
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How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efomno/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A doctor is delivering bad news to a patient.

“Ma’am, your test results are back. Unfortunately, this  type of disease is fatal.”
“Oh my god! How much time do I have left to live?”
“Ten”
“Ten months?”
“Nine”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efokdb/a_doctor_is_delivering_bad_news_to_a_patient/
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What do you call a Mexican that is a 1/3 German?

Nein Juan Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efogmx/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_that_is_a_13_german/
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Where do sperm play football?

Con-dome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efog1y/where_do_sperm_play_football/
%
My son is doing a social experiment for school

For a week he will be wearing an "I love liberals!" hat everywhere he goes and record the reactions he observes from people he meets.  So far he has been cussed at, spit at, yelled at, slapped twice and even had a bottle thrown at him.  Its really quite awful, im not sure whats going to happen to him when he actually leaves the house...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efoayq/my_son_is_doing_a_social_experiment_for_school/
%
Whoever stole my antidepressants

I hope you are happy now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efo7n3/whoever_stole_my_antidepressants/
%
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"
But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.
"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.
Game warden: So where are the fish?
Fisherman: What fish?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efo3yw/a_game_warden_catches_an_unlicensed_fisherman_in/
%
If you work as a security guard in a Samsung store...

... Does this makes you a "Gardian of the Galaxy"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efo2d6/if_you_work_as_a_security_guard_in_a_samsung_store/
%
What do German’s call a dead battery?

A nein volt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efnzzf/what_do_germans_call_a_dead_battery/
%
Confession: I believed in Santa Claus until I was 15.

I cringe at my stupidity looking back, but fortunately I've come to my senses and don't believe in silly fairy tales anymore, thank God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efntxi/confession_i_believed_in_santa_claus_until_i_was/
%
Ever had sex whilst camping?

Its fucking in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efntre/ever_had_sex_whilst_camping/
%
Why don't Asian parents want gay kids?

Because they can't get straight A s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efntie/why_dont_asian_parents_want_gay_kids/
%
Santa thinks I'm naughty. Penguins think I'm nice.

I think I'm bipolar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efnsg7/santa_thinks_im_naughty_penguins_think_im_nice/
%
Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”

Like bro you were there wtf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efnryc/dentist_always_dumb_questions_like_whens_the_last/
%
Why should you never trust a cannibal to make dinner?

They'll put blood, sweat and tears into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efnkyl/why_should_you_never_trust_a_cannibal_to_make/
%
Santa walks into a bar and says, “HO HO HO!”

The bartender says, “oh sorry, we’re not that kind of establishment “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efnej3/santa_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_ho_ho_ho/
%
a guy goes into a bar

and orders a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sitting down at the other end of the bar ordering a drink. the guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she's drinking, give her another one and tell her it's on me." the bartender replies "i don't think that's a good idea." "what do you mean!?" yells the guy "send her the drink!" "okay," the bartender replies "but i don't think it's a good idea." "and why not?" asks the guy indignantly. the bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian." "i don't care. send her a drink." after the lady gets her drink the guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of lesbia are you from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efmwtb/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

Which in itself is an accomplishment as he is totally armless. He orders a drink, and when served, asks the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. He then asks if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender does it and comments that it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man says, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?” The bartender quickly replies, “The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efmvtt/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two guys wander into a bar...

One of the men shouts to the bartender, “Hey Mike -  set ‘em up for me and my pal here.”  Then he turns to his slightly dim-witted friend and boasts “This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!”   That’s not so great”, responds the friend. “There’s a bar across town that’ll match your drink-for-drink AND you can have sex in the back for free”.  “Where is this place?” the first guy exclaims.  “Oh I don’t know”,  the dim fellow replies, “but my wife goes there all the time”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efmvrp/two_guys_wander_into_a_bar/
%
A girl goes into a bar

A women goes into a bar carrying  a duck under her arm.  “Get that pig out of here!” Yells the bartender. “That’s not a pig, stupid,” she replies, it’s a duck!  “I know says the bartender, I was talking to the duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efmvps/a_girl_goes_into_a_bar/
%
- Where are you coming from?

- A beauty salon.
- Was it closed?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efmt9i/where_are_you_coming_from/
%
I think someone spiked my wife's drink.

She's being really nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efmc4g/i_think_someone_spiked_my_wifes_drink/
%
What do hispanic jews celebrate?

Juanukkah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efmbyc/what_do_hispanic_jews_celebrate/
%
My girlfriend said she wanted to see Zombieland.

In hindsight...
I probably shouldn't have taken her to her grandmother's nursing home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efm7gm/my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_to_see_zombieland/
%
What does the "J" in Donald J. Trump stand for?

"Jenius"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efm5bw/what_does_the_j_in_donald_j_trump_stand_for/
%
Why did the snowman name his dog frost?

Because frost bites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efm2wd/why_did_the_snowman_name_his_dog_frost/
%
A man walks in on his wife cheating

“Are you kidding?” He shouts at her
“No I’m adultering”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eflxdu/a_man_walks_in_on_his_wife_cheating/
%
Why is it traditionally the man that proposes?

Because when women get on their knees it means something different

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eflwel/why_is_it_traditionally_the_man_that_proposes/
%
A woman went to a psychiatrist

Woman : I don't know why everyone things I want to have sex with them, I am just a normal friendly outgoing girl, I like to hang out with new people. I'm not sure if I get too friendly with them.
Psychiatrist : Ma'am you need to get off my lap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eflrw3/a_woman_went_to_a_psychiatrist/
%
Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efllok/whenever_my_muslim_roommate_goes_to_pray_i_sit/
%
[NSFW] What did they name the new abortion clinic?

Ctrl+Z

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eflkqn/nsfw_what_did_they_name_the_new_abortion_clinic/
%
Why did the one legged man get a prosthetic leg for Christmas?

It was a stocking stuffer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eflkgh/why_did_the_one_legged_man_get_a_prosthetic_leg/
%
Yesterday the police arrested two children...

...because the one was drinking battery acid and the other one was eating fireworks. So they charged one and let the other one off.
Badummm tssssss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eflfhj/yesterday_the_police_arrested_two_children/
%
Four communists go to a hotel.

When they get to the hotel, one of the comrades gets very tired and tries to get some sleep. The other three annoy him all night and keep him from sleeping. The other three began telling jokes about the Soviets, so he creates a plan.
The fourth communist goes to the kitchen and asks for a cup of coffee. “But deliver it exactly ten minutes from now.” The fourth communist goes to his room and waits. Right before the coffee arrived, the three are making jokes about Stalin. The fourth communist turns to his comrades and says “You know they can here us, right?”
“That’s not true!” cried one of the communists. “Prove it!” The fourth communist goes over to a lamp and says “Could I have a cup of coffee?” At that moment, the waitress comes in with his coffee. The fourth commie enjoys his coffee, and all four go straight to sleep.
The next morning, the fourth communist wakes up to find the room ransacked and his comrades missing. He goes to the front desk and asks the receptionist what happened. “The KGB took them,” she said. “Why didn’t they take me?” asked the fourth communist. “The Captain liked your joke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eflfbk/four_communists_go_to_a_hotel/
%
Our daughter said I'm too nosy!

Husband: wow she really said that?
Me: no but I read it in her diary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efle40/our_daughter_said_im_too_nosy/
%
Batman and Joker meer in a bar

Joker: "Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?"
Batman: "Yeah sure."
Joker: "Parental love."
Batman: "I didn't get that."
Joker: "I know right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eflbto/batman_and_joker_meer_in_a_bar/
%
3 conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efl51f/3_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Oh man... did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way...
I mean, the doctors cannoli do so much.
It’s just crazy how you can wake up one day and be gone tomato.
I’ve truly never sausage a tragic thing.
So sad he ran out of thyme... :~(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efl4es/oh_man_did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that/
%
Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled during her period?

They say she has a mean flow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efl3k5/did_you_hear_about_the_female_rapper_who_only/
%
What's the difference between your life and a pencil?

The Pencil has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efl3e5/whats_the_difference_between_your_life_and_a/
%
Hey girl, are you from Iraq?

Cause you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efl22b/hey_girl_are_you_from_iraq/
%
A guy in a clown costume walks into a bar

The bartender looks at the man and says “why the costume?”
The guy looks at the bartender and says “Oh, this is my work uniform. A wealthy nobleman pays me to wear this costume all day because he finds it to be quite entertaining.”
The bartender scoffs and says “Surely you jest.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efkhpn/a_guy_in_a_clown_costume_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efkgjx/why_do_programmers_prefer_dark_mode/
%
Why is Communism like Internet Explorer?

They both make you look for alternatives!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efkfr5/why_is_communism_like_internet_explorer/
%
What does being a fundamentalist Christian and the game Snake have in common?

You can't touch yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efkcnm/what_does_being_a_fundamentalist_christian_and/
%
What did the shepherd say to his dog when he saw a wolf?

Let’s get the flock out of here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efk9qq/what_did_the_shepherd_say_to_his_dog_when_he_saw/
%
So you want me to buy the presents, put them together, wrap them up and tell the kids it was you who got the presents for them?

**SANTA:** I mean, when you say it like that it sounds bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efk9p4/so_you_want_me_to_buy_the_presents_put_them/
%
Who lies about their names spelling every time they introduce themselves?

Noel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efk1yx/who_lies_about_their_names_spelling_every_time/
%
My brother and I are twins, we share a gym membership.

Every other week I don't go, the others he doesn't go. So far, noone noticed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efk1w9/my_brother_and_i_are_twins_we_share_a_gym/
%
How do you wish Beethoven aMerry Christmas?

Fur-Elise Navidad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efk1ch/how_do_you_wish_beethoven_amerry_christmas/
%
I tried to play the Titanic game on my PC

But as soon as I hit the iceberg, it crashed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efjy46/i_tried_to_play_the_titanic_game_on_my_pc/
%
I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.

The competition was pretty stiff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efjx8v/i_entered_myself_in_a_most_beautiful_boner_contest/
%
I like my women like I like my chicken

Boneless, skinless, and covered in barbeque sauce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efjwr0/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_chicken/
%
Why did the slave go to college?

To get his master's degree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efjtl5/why_did_the_slave_go_to_college/
%
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring...

Because the carbon monoxide detector failed.
Merry Christmas Reddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efjrne/twas_the_night_before_christmas_and_all_through/
%
I’ve written a Christmas movie about a slutty rapper, who has to defend his house from robbers

I’ll call it “hoe Malone”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efjeo9/ive_written_a_christmas_movie_about_a_slutty/
%
A man and his wife are at a restaurant...

The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives.
'what would you like sir?' he asks.
'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies.
'oh, well, do you know what she's having?'
The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efj8ge/a_man_and_his_wife_are_at_a_restaurant/
%
A guy gets out of his car after crashing it

A policeman walks up to him and asks him what happened. The man replies that he swerved to avoid crashing into a tree. "you sir are drunk" says the policeman. "how do you know that" said the man. "that's and air fresher" said the policeman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efj89t/a_guy_gets_out_of_his_car_after_crashing_it/
%
The Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efj24l/the_christmas_parrot/
%
I got my daughter a weighted anxiety blanket for Christmas.

She’s been freaking out about it all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efiye7/i_got_my_daughter_a_weighted_anxiety_blanket_for/
%
Why did dyslexic Karen go to the Christmas nativity?

To see the manger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efiohj/why_did_dyslexic_karen_go_to_the_christmas/
%
What do you call Batman when he keeps skipping mass?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efinlo/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_keeps_skipping/
%
I for one...

Love Roman numerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efih7a/i_for_one/
%
Unpopular opinion: Fetus Deletus is a tasteless joke

Unlike abortions, which are packed with flavour. Merry Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efhyr5/unpopular_opinion_fetus_deletus_is_a_tasteless/
%
What is 5 times 5 junkies?

Crystal Math

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efhxh0/what_is_5_times_5_junkies/
%
What did the turmeric say when there was a knock on the door during Christmas Dinner??

"Cumin! Tis' the season!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efhr1n/what_did_the_turmeric_say_when_there_was_a_knock/
%
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is...

looking for a job the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efhjpt/what_i_dont_like_about_office_christmas_parties_is/
%
My wife was super pissed at my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efhhze/my_wife_was_super_pissed_at_my_impulse_purchase/
%
The police knocked on my door and asked me where I was between five and six.

Apparently "kindergarten" was not the answer they sought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efhf6q/the_police_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_me_where/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efhds0/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils ?

Because they have big fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efhbid/why_do_gorillas_have_such_big_nostrils/
%
I was having anal sex..

I was having anal sex with my girlfriend. Her father suddenly slammed the door open and started screaming at her. "Dad, I'm sorry!", she said. The father turned to me and, from the top of his lungs, he started screaming: "Are you fucking sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efh7eq/i_was_having_anal_sex/
%
I don't believe there's one true drink for Christmas

I'm eggnogstic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efh5rq/i_dont_believe_theres_one_true_drink_for_christmas/
%
An Irishman walks into a bar holding a piece of asphalt in his arms.

He says to the bartender: "Bartender, two shots of whiskey please, one for me and one for the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efh5nx/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar_holding_a_piece_of/
%
What do you call somebody with a skin disease trying to make you believe they have a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?

A leper-con

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efh1ky/what_do_you_call_somebody_with_a_skin_disease/
%
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Frostbite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efgyzn/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_snowman_and_a/
%
What do you give to a man who has everything?

Antibiotics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efgypz/what_do_you_give_to_a_man_who_has_everything/
%
What does Frosty The Snowman have that Mrs. Frosty doesn't?

Snowballs
(Merry Xmas)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efgycl/what_does_frosty_the_snowman_have_that_mrs_frosty/
%
What do the Pope and a Christmas Tree have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efgtkh/what_do_the_pope_and_a_christmas_tree_have_in/
%
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efgojb/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_swam_into_a_wall/
%
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efgmyo/a_lawyer_married_a_woman_who_had_previously/
%
Kylo Ren and Ray are fighting each other.

As they fight, Kylo Ren says, "I know what your getting for Christmas."
Ray yells at him saying, "stay out of my head!"
Kylo Ren responds, "I have felt your presents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efgb6y/kylo_ren_and_ray_are_fighting_each_other/
%
Knock Knock Jokes in Nazi Germany

Knock knock
Who is there?
*kicking the door in
WE ASK ZE QUESTIONS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efg80v/knock_knock_jokes_in_nazi_germany/
%
This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife

I thought it was a great trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efg7jd/this_christmas_i_got_a_new_car_for_my_wife/
%
Where was chicken first fried?

Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efg4uj/where_was_chicken_first_fried/
%
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?

She wanted to see the task manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efg3rz/why_did_karen_press_ctrlaltdelete/
%
Tried to return something I bought but they wouldn't take it back.

The adoption center has a real tight policy about that it seems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efg2qw/tried_to_return_something_i_bought_but_they/
%
I agree we should keep the “Christ” in Christmas but is there any way we could also work Goku in there?

I'm just Saiyan.
#
#
Merry Christmas yah filthy animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efg0fa/i_agree_we_should_keep_the_christ_in_christmas/
%
I thought I had sex with my crush

But when I turned on the lights I saw my girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/effwaq/i_thought_i_had_sex_with_my_crush/
%
Knock Knock...

Who's there?
Trains go
Trains go who?
No idiot, trains go choo choo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/effkyo/knock_knock/
%
When I was younger, I had a tough time concentrating in school

My parents told me that if I didn't improve, they would have to send me to Concentration Camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/effg0d/when_i_was_younger_i_had_a_tough_time/
%
I like jokes about stationary..

But rulers are where I draw the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eff4kh/i_like_jokes_about_stationary/
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Have you heard about the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ advent calendar?

Behind every door is a guy telling you to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eff3hq/have_you_heard_about_the_jehovahs_witnesses/
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My mate was whining about how hard it is to cultivate apples

So I told him to grow a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efexxp/my_mate_was_whining_about_how_hard_it_is_to/
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I gave my daughter a watch for Christmas. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efexv3/i_gave_my_daughter_a_watch_for_christmas_she/
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Why did the man with a wheat allergy eat bread?

He was a gluten for punishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eferd9/why_did_the_man_with_a_wheat_allergy_eat_bread/
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What do you get when you eat spoiled Italian food?

Pizzeria!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efer5o/what_do_you_get_when_you_eat_spoiled_italian_food/
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Cant wait to hand pieces of candy out to kids in a few days.

At least I think it's candy, that's what the prostitute said her name was a few days ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efeq44/cant_wait_to_hand_pieces_of_candy_out_to_kids_in/
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Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efemnj/why_dont_cannibals_eat_clowns/
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Little Johnny cussed all the time....

And his parents told him, "If you keep on cussing, all you'll get for Christmas is shit."
He didn't seem to care and kept cussing.
On Christmas morning he looked under the tree - a pile of shit.
He peeked behind the sofa - another pile of shit.
He checked every closet - nothing but piles of shit in each one.
He went outside and saw shit on the back steps.
His neighbor, Little Jimmy, saw him and hollered over the fence, "Hey Johnny, what'd you get for Christmas?"
Little Johnny said, "I think I got a god-damn dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efejm0/little_johnny_cussed_all_the_time/
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Why is Santa Claus always so jolly?

He knows where all the bad girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efed4z/why_is_santa_claus_always_so_jolly/
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"NSFW"How do you get a nun pregnant?

Have an altar boy fart in her pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efe7ys/nsfwhow_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
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What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efe5f1/what_did_the_bad_soccer_announcer_get_for/
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I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efe37u/i_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
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What did the black kid get for Christmas?

My bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efe1gr/what_did_the_black_kid_get_for_christmas/
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Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.

The other letters were not-E.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efe0lq/out_of_the_26_letters_only_e_got_presents_for/
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What was the Virgin Mary's last name?

Christmas.
(Have a good one, reddit!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efdhzp/what_was_the_virgin_marys_last_name/
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Put a Christmas stocking outside yesterday and found it crusty this morning.

Proof that Santa came last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efdf75/put_a_christmas_stocking_outside_yesterday_and/
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My 8-year old nephew told me a joke the other day, and it was priceless... Why can't Santa touch his toes?

Because he doesn't exist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efcvbc/my_8year_old_nephew_told_me_a_joke_the_other_day/
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Why did the trans man only eat salad?

Because he was a HERbefore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efclio/why_did_the_trans_man_only_eat_salad/
%
What's blue and isn't heavy?

Light blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efcju1/whats_blue_and_isnt_heavy/
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I love the way the Earth rotates

It really makes my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efcg7e/i_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
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My mom’s favorite Christmas joke: ”Knock knock...”

Who’s there?
“Centipede”
Centipede who?
“Centipede under the Christmas tree!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efce1w/my_moms_favorite_christmas_joke_knock_knock/
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NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.

His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet.
The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem.
Ecstatic, the parents agree.
After a few hours of surgery, it was a success!
The boy is fine now, he’s just a little cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efcdp2/nsfw_back_in_the_1990s_a_baby_boy_was_born/
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WHAT DO WE WANT???

LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM???
NEEEEEOOOOOWWW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efccua/what_do_we_want/
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Guess who is on reddit instead of spending time with his family?

It's Batman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efc980/guess_who_is_on_reddit_instead_of_spending_time/
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I wanted to make a WWI joke,

But I realized all the good ones Argonne. This got time thinking, there have to be Somme left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efc4hg/i_wanted_to_make_a_wwi_joke/
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Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left, Billy's father gave him one last gift It was wrapped up in a large box. Billy opened the box up and inside was a slightly smaller box. Written on the box was "Open me on your 80th birthday." Billy's dad, who has a big grin on his face, said "I guess you'll just have to wait." Later that night, Billy barely got any sleep as he pondered whether or not to open the box anyway. It took a great amount of restraint, but he decided not to open the box.
Five years later, Billy was celebrating his 13th birthday. He'd reached a milestone and that year had been quite eventful. He was growing up, noticing girls. His parents got divorced. It was a mutual decision, and they both told him that it wasn't his fault. His mother, however, still felt the need to over-compensate on his birthday. She managed to reserve Billy's favorite arcade for him and his friends. Overall, he had a great day, but later that night, he remembered his dad's gift. He had it stashed away in the closet. He pulled the box out to open it up, but looked at those words on the box that said "Open me on your 80th birthday". Billy contemplated opening the box up anyway. He figured he waited long enough, but ultimately, he chose not to open the box, and put it back in the closet.
Another five years passed, and Billy was turning 18. This year we also eventful. His parents reconciled. He had a girlfriend. He was starting college after the summer. He didn't need anything this year, and yet his parents surprised him with a brand new car. He was as happy as can be. Still in the corner of his mind, however, was the gift he received from his father ten years ago. Later that year, when he was packing things up for college, he came across the box that read "Open me on your 80th birthday." Surely it would be okay enough to open now, wouldn't it?" Billy held the box in his hands for a good five minutes before deciding to pack it away without opening it.
Many years passed, and Billy, who was now going by Will, was turning 36. He got married, started a family and finally finished school, earning his PhD. Alas, his father passed away that same year. So it wasn't all good news. Will couldn't help but think about that box. He held onto it all these years. Still written on the box was "Open me on your 80th birthday." His father passed. He could open the box now, right?" In the end, he couldn't bring himself to do it. He wanted to respect his father's wishes.
Nearly 50 years passed, and Will had lived quite a life. After earning his doctorate, he began teaching at the same ivy league school here graduated from. His children grew up, followed in his footsteps and had kids of their own. He'd lived a long life. His wife, however, passed the previous year. And Will knew he wouldn't last much longer. His 80th birthday arrived. And even in his advanced age, he never forgot spot the box his father gave him decades ago. He kept it so long. Every birthday was a constant reminder. He wanted to know what was inside. But the very movement he grabbed the box, he became overwhelmed with excitement and suffered a heart attack before he could even open the box.
I bet you're thinking that's where the story ends, right? Well it isn't. Minutes later, the housekeeper found Will on the ground with the box in his hands. She was going to immediately call an ambulance, but here curiosity got the best of her. Written on the box was "Open me on your 80th birthday." She removed the lid from the box. Inside, bound but a paper clip, was eight $1 bills and a small note, which the housekeeper read aloud to herself.
"I knew you wouldn't be able to wait. Happy 8th birthday, Billy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efc001/billys_birthday_gift/
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Knock knock I heard from my little sister

Who's there
Owls
Owls who?
Yes... Yes they do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efbzj3/knock_knock_i_heard_from_my_little_sister/
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What do witchers do when they're not busy killing monsters?

They kill time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efbvzm/what_do_witchers_do_when_theyre_not_busy_killing/
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North Korea is threatening to send the US a Christmas present.

I don’t think anyone has told them about our return policy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efbmwc/north_korea_is_threatening_to_send_the_us_a/
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Your mom is so American...

She saw her shadow and called the cops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efbldh/your_mom_is_so_american/
%
What do you get if you have sex with a bird?

Chirpies.
It's a canarial disease, fortunately it's tweetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efbkfx/what_do_you_get_if_you_have_sex_with_a_bird/
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What's the difference between a gross bus station and a lobster with big boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and one is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efbimw/whats_the_difference_between_a_gross_bus_station/
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Did you know the secret service doesn’t say “Get down Mr. President” anymore?

They say Donald Duck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efbhgk/did_you_know_the_secret_service_doesnt_say_get/
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Two ninjas are talking

One says to the other, "I'm so depressed, can you kill me ninja?"
The other says, "Shuriken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efbh9m/two_ninjas_are_talking/
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Bill Gates and Elon Musk should come up with a drug for erectile dysfunction....

And call it ElonGates!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efbfqv/bill_gates_and_elon_musk_should_come_up_with_a/
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A fly walks into a proctologist’s office

And across the desk of that proctologist the fly goes into the issues that cause him pain.
“Well, where to begin... uhhhh let’s start with my credit, I took a dive of a FICO score from 670 to 450 in the last 6 months,  my boss is cracking down on these new reports that corporate wants done daily and it’s causing me to work late almost every night, I’m being sued by my brother for the items I took from my father’s estate while it was still being processed before his will reading- also, my father passed away and left me nothing.
“My daughter comes home every night either high or drunk and throws up all over the shag carpet, my son is obsessed with these “furry” conventions that he spends whole weekends at, my wife claims I no longer satisfy her in bed and I’m 90 percent sure she’s been cheating on me for a year, which would suck because I would want a divorce if I found it to be true and I live in a state that votes largely in favor of the wife and I’d probably lose the house and I’m in a good position to refinance and take some cash out.
“So, I just want to know how I can turn my life around. Can you help me doctor? Could you please help a fly who’s been abandoned by the good life he grew up dreaming of?”
The proctologist buried his face in his hands for a moment, inhaled deeply, and resurfaced to face the fly.
“You do understand that I’m not a therapist? I mean, I’m a proctologist! You must have some idea of what my profession is. What made you come in here and think I could help?”
The fly sighed, and pondered the proctologist’s question for a moment.
“Well... the light was on”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efbd3z/a_fly_walks_into_a_proctologists_office/
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A princess and her entourage are playing a truth-telling game.

She asks a knight if he has fathered any children. He looks down and says, “Alas, my Lady, I have not.”
The princess nods. “I believe it. You do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress. Your beard is a mere fuzz, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good.”
On his turn, the knight asks, “Lady, answer me without deceit. Is there hair between your legs?”
She playfully replies, “None at all.”
“Indeed I do believe you,” the knight smiles, “For grass does not grow on a well-beaten path.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efbajc/a_princess_and_her_entourage_are_playing_a/
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Guys, I have a confession to make, im addicted to brake fluid...

But don't worry, I can stop at any time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efb59y/guys_i_have_a_confession_to_make_im_addicted_to/
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Do you recall the name of the other, 10th reindeer?

You have the original eight reindeer: Dasher, Prancer, etc. And of course, there is Rudoloph which makes nine.
The 10th reindeer is Olive. It says so right in the song:
"Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efb3zx/do_you_recall_the_name_of_the_other_10th_reindeer/
%
Got the wife a plunger for xmas...

Cause she loves to bring up old shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efb3d1/got_the_wife_a_plunger_for_xmas/
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For once it is the foresight that's 20/20

in hindsight though that's a bad joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efazic/for_once_it_is_the_foresight_thats_2020/
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Did you hear about the leper who tried out for American college football team?

Started as a fullback, then was a halfback and ended up a quarterback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efaz3h/did_you_hear_about_the_leper_who_tried_out_for/
%
What does a vagina look like?

Boy walks in and ask his dad a question.
Boy: Dad, what does a vagina look like?
Dad: Before sex, a vagina looks like a beautiful flower.  Men have went to war over them.  They are soft and has a wonderful musky smell.
Boy: Oh, well....what does one look like after sex?
Dad: Ever see a bulldog eat mayonnaise?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efay06/what_does_a_vagina_look_like/
%
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six-offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efaxjo/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
Why does everybody want to go for a ride with Mando?

Because he's got the *beskar* in the galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efap4k/why_does_everybody_want_to_go_for_a_ride_with/
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After hearing how dangerous Mexico is an American decided to see it for himself

He arrived there and went downtown with a deck of cards in his back pocket to see if anyone would attempt to rob him,
After walking around for 2 hours he noticed the deck of cards was still there.
He saw a homeless guy and came to him and said:
"well, people told me I was absolutely going to get robbed if I walked around here but nothing Happened"
To which the homeless man replied:
"who the hell want  a deck of cards with the King or hearts missing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efakuk/after_hearing_how_dangerous_mexico_is_an_american/
%
What's it called when your parrot ends up missing?

Polygon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efairl/whats_it_called_when_your_parrot_ends_up_missing/
%
Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No idiot... Cows go moo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efahj1/soooo_my_4_year_old_nephew_just_told_me_this_hes/
%
Lately I've been drinking too much cider

My friends call me an appleholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efah8q/lately_ive_been_drinking_too_much_cider/
%
What do women and tinkerbell have in common?

They tend to disappear if you stop paying them attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efagud/what_do_women_and_tinkerbell_have_in_common/
%
Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both."
"Fuck off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efag8p/murphy_calls_to_see_his_mate_paddy_who_is/
%
Do you want to hear a math joke?

Me neither.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efaerp/do_you_want_to_hear_a_math_joke/
%
As someone who wears glasses, I am excited for the next decade

It's the first time I will be able to see 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efab5i/as_someone_who_wears_glasses_i_am_excited_for_the/
%
If the human species were blind,

society would probably feel a lot different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efaajs/if_the_human_species_were_blind/
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What's the difference between a cult and a religion?

in a cult, the person at top knows it's all bullshit
in a religion, that person is dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efa90o/whats_the_difference_between_a_cult_and_a_religion/
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What’s Donald Trump’s favorite Christmas song?

I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efa881/whats_donald_trumps_favorite_christmas_song/
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What did tulsi say when santa asked her what she wanted for christmas this year?

Present

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efa7no/what_did_tulsi_say_when_santa_asked_her_what_she/
%
What is Santa's favorite computer task?

Clearing cookies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/efa5gt/what_is_santas_favorite_computer_task/
%
What holiday celebrates the rising of dough?

Yeaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef9zur/what_holiday_celebrates_the_rising_of_dough/
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The Christmas Frog

I was walking on the beach and remembered this joke from a long time ago…
A wife is shopping for a Christmas present for her husband, and as with many couples, she had no idea at all what to get.
She is walking past a pet store, when the sign in the window catches her eye; “Christmas Frogs! The best present for your husband!” And she thinks to herself, how can that be? But she has no leads on anything else, so she walks into the store to ask.
"Tell me more about the Christmas Frog", she asks the store keeper.
"Well, apparently", she says in a hushed tone, "they give the absolute best blow jobs."
The wife is puzzled, but with no other idea on what to get, she has the store keeper wrap one up for her.
The next day is Christmas, and she brings out the wrapped box for her husband. "Merry Christmas!", she says, with a peck on the check.
He opens the box, and there is the frog, just staring at him.
"What the hell is this?", he says.
"Well, apparently", she says in a hushed tone, "they give the absolute best blow jobs."
He looked at her evenly, mutters thanks, and puts the box aside.
That night, the wife is awoken from sleep by terrible noise in the kitchen. There is banging and crashing, and the sound of dishes breaking. She goes though to the kitchen, and the room is a total mess. There is flour on every surface. There are broken eggs on the floor, and dirty utensils everywhere.
In the middle of all the mess is the Christmas Frog, wearing a tiny chef's hat, and a tiny little apron. She looks up at her husband, confused, but before she can say anything, he says to her:
"If that thing can cook, you are fucking out of here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef9ymq/the_christmas_frog/
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What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after three HOs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef9tvd/whats_the_difference_between_tiger_woods_and/
%
I have this weird ability to tell what is inside wrapped presents

It is a gift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef9rcy/i_have_this_weird_ability_to_tell_what_is_inside/
%
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few butts over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. You see, several years ago Frank died, and I married his fucking wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef9pkd/a_man_walks_out_to_the_street_and_catches_a_taxi/
%
Hey girl ...

... you like big dicks?
-Yes!
-Damn...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef9oyx/hey_girl/
%
I got into a fight with 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11.

I'm not sure what I said, they just flew into a primal rage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef9lhv/i_got_into_a_fight_with_2_3_5_7_and_11/
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What can a swan do that a dentist can't?

Stick its bill up its ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef9k8h/what_can_a_swan_do_that_a_dentist_cant/
%
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

They keep dropping their needles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef9dz7/why_are_christmas_trees_so_bad_at_sewing/
%
What do you call a group of introverts?

A paradox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef9b6n/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_introverts/
%
Driving down the road one day, a hillbilly sees a sign in front of a farm. MULE FOR SALE $50. He stops, talks to the farmer and buys the mule. Handing the farmer his $50, he says "I'll be back tomorrow with my trailer and pick him up." The hillbilly comes back the next day and the farmer has

some bad news.  The mule has died.
"Well, just give me back the $50."
"Can't do that" says the farmer..."I already spent it."
"OK, help me load it in the trailer."
"What are you going to do with a dead mule?" asks the farmer.
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"How do you intend to do that?"
"Easy. I just won't tell folks that the mule is dead."
A couple of months later the hillbilly runs into the farmer.
"How did the raffle go?"
"Better than I expected.  I sold 500 tickets at $1 each."
"Did anybody complain?"
"Just the fellow who won but I gave him his dollar back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef98c2/driving_down_the_road_one_day_a_hillbilly_sees_a/
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What did Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas Eve!! :D
Sorry everyone. I no longer use FB so you have now inherited my yearly Christmas post.
Happy Holidays everyone :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef95dl/what_did_adam_say_to_his_wife_the_day_before/
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Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer has a little known brother.

Randolf the brown nosed reindeer,
he can run as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef93e6/rudolf_the_red_nosed_reindeer_has_a_little_known/
%
Knock knock

Who’s there?
Centipede
Centipede who?
Centipede down the chimney!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef92pw/knock_knock/
%
My first original joke. Feel free to critique

Prince William, Catherine, and their children were all enjoying dinner one evening. The food did not sit well, and everyone but Catherine was experiencing gas later that night.
“I’m surrounded by a bunch of tooters!” exclaimed Catherine.
William said, “Dear, we’re not Tudors - we’re WINDsors!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef8wxt/my_first_original_joke_feel_free_to_critique/
%
A man goes to an open mic at the local jazz club

He gets on stage and starts scatting.
He's promptly arrested for indecent exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef8vyd/a_man_goes_to_an_open_mic_at_the_local_jazz_club/
%
Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
My mom: USE A FUCKING COASTER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef8qlp/optimist_the_glass_is_half_full/
%
I went to Vietnam and someone on the street peed all over me

I still get splashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef8id7/i_went_to_vietnam_and_someone_on_the_street_peed/
%
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
​
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just
roommates."
​
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
​
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :
​
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
​
Love,
your son.
​
Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:
​
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef8c9v/a_mom_visits_her_son_for_dinner_who_lives_with_a/
%
There was a contest in a town..

There was a contest in a town to win a flight on a private jet with Donald trump and there was three winners, a kid, a priest, and a teacher.
As they were on their flight, the pilot just immediately dies and the plane starts to crash. There was only four people and three parachutes and so the teacher says “I got children to teach.” Then takes a parachute and jumps off. Donald trump then says “I got Americans to lead” Then takes a parachute and jumps off.
The Priest then looks at the boy and says “I’m old and your young, take a parachute and jump off.” The boy looks at him and starts to laugh and the priest says “Why are you laughing, this is life and death.” Then the boys looks at the priest and says “Donald trump took my backpack.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef8ala/there_was_a_contest_in_a_town/
%
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times

Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef84o4/last_night_i_used_vaseline_with_my_wife_and_came/
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Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department

so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.
The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obviously wrong with either of you. But Mary, I think you might be overheating in the act. I suggest you purchase a fan and use that when you go to bed.”
Paddy, being a careful sort, doesn’t want to splash out on a new fan so he rings his best pal Tommy and asks Tommy if he’ll flap a towel over Paddy and Mary as they make love.  That evening Tommy comes round and waves a towel over the couple as they go at it. Two hours later, there’s still no difference, Mary is still unsatisfied.
“Paddy, I tell you what,” suggests Mary, “Why don’t you swap places with Tommy? You can flap the towel and Tommy and I can try the love making.”
Desperate, Paddy agrees. Within 5 minutes of Mary and Tommy making vigorous love Mary reaches a thunderous climax, and then again. And then again. Finally after an hour they both collapse on the bed, exhausted.”
“That, Tommy”, Paddy announces, “is how you flap a bloody towel!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef80li/paddy_and_mary_are_having_some_issues_in_the/
%
A pyromaniac got a bag of coal for Christmas...

Was he naughty or nice?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef7x0n/a_pyromaniac_got_a_bag_of_coal_for_christmas/
%
I learned the Mandalorian stays ripped by drinking his own brand of protein powder.

This Is The Whey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef7w2v/i_learned_the_mandalorian_stays_ripped_by/
%
Wtf just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out

Must be from my uncle Ben

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef7ut1/wtf_just_opened_a_christmas_card_and_rice_fell_out/
%
What’s the difference between iron man and iron woman?

One is a Fe male and the other is a woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef7smr/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
Why doesn't superman fight cyber crime?

Because he's scared of krypto currency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef7qxq/why_doesnt_superman_fight_cyber_crime/
%
Guys: If you are still stuck on a late Christmas present for the Wife. Get her a refrigerator.

Her little face will light up when she opens it.
Failing that, get her some slippers and a dildo.
If she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef7mw6/guys_if_you_are_still_stuck_on_a_late_christmas/
%
Got sad news today.

After 7 years of medical training, my good friend was struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer do the job he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef7mlp/got_sad_news_today/
%
Why did the Duck know what he was getting for Christmas?

Because he was Peking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef7iuw/why_did_the_duck_know_what_he_was_getting_for/
%
Don't worry you're not fat! Come on chin up

Both of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef7fu4/dont_worry_youre_not_fat_come_on_chin_up/
%
Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?

Because they were not E

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef7bvc/why_did_25_letters_of_the_alphabet_get_coal_for/
%
Today, I visited the birthplace of the person who invented the toothbrush.

There's no plaque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef79oq/today_i_visited_the_birthplace_of_the_person_who/
%
"I have a split personality," said Tom,

being frank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef6z5d/i_have_a_split_personality_said_tom/
%
The year is 1835...

The year is 1835, you’re traversing the Oregon Trail. You and your horse come upon a man, you introduce yourself, and he tells you his name is Terry. You laugh at him, and tell him Terry is a woman’s name. He shoots you point blank.
You’ve died of Dissin’ Terry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef6xxt/the_year_is_1835/
%
My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore...

Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the cops, said I did it on purpose, blah blah of course all the while I’m denying it. She’s all red in the face screaming at me
But my real question is, who brings a baby to the Grand Canyon?
Nah I’m just kidding, my sister doesn’t have kids
Anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef6vn4/my_sister_wont_let_me_hold_her_baby_anymore/
%
How does Bill Gates count to ten?

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef6t7h/how_does_bill_gates_count_to_ten/
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Donner: “Dasher, what’s wrong with Comet?”

Dasher: “He just learned his wife ran off to Vegas and blew 50 bucks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef6p21/donner_dasher_whats_wrong_with_comet/
%
What do you call the horse that lives next door?

You Neigh-bor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef6m0i/what_do_you_call_the_horse_that_lives_next_door/
%
What do you call a Mexican miget?

A paragraph, because he's not a full essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef6lkr/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_miget/
%
I bought the wife some new vibrators for christmas.

A washing machine, a dishwasher and a lawnmower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef5wiz/i_bought_the_wife_some_new_vibrators_for_christmas/
%
My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him.

He just can’t part with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef5vie/my_friend_went_completely_bald_years_ago_but_he/
%
I’ve just started to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef5mcg/ive_just_started_to_read_a_horror_novel_in_braille/
%
A mexican magician was doing a disappearing act.

He started counting down: "Uno, dos" and he left without a trace

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef5k5f/a_mexican_magician_was_doing_a_disappearing_act/
%
Why is this site named Reddit?

Because the other site really Blueit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef5j0n/why_is_this_site_named_reddit/
%
What do Santa Claus and pop-up ads have in common?

They both know there are naughty girls in my area!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef5h54/what_do_santa_claus_and_popup_ads_have_in_common/
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A Christmas Story

One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.  This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.  More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.  When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.  The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef5dwl/a_christmas_story/
%
What do Eskimo musicians do before sex?

Coldplay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef5d0m/what_do_eskimo_musicians_do_before_sex/
%
Dear Satan...

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef55i4/dear_satan/
%
Having gay parents must be horrible

I mean you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck into infinite loop of “go ask your mom”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef52sm/having_gay_parents_must_be_horrible/
%
(Dad Joke) Why is a library the tallest building?

It has so many stories!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef4z8f/dad_joke_why_is_a_library_the_tallest_building/
%
Who is your friend who you play chess with

He is your check mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef4lyu/who_is_your_friend_who_you_play_chess_with/
%
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef4lfd/a_husband_and_wife_were_dining_at_a_5star/
%
What do you call a president that is afraid of windmills?

Donald Quixote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef4l3l/what_do_you_call_a_president_that_is_afraid_of/
%
Remember having sex on a regular basis keeps your memory alive!

Hope you all have a great Christmas and wishing you a merry 2014

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef4kkb/remember_having_sex_on_a_regular_basis_keeps_your/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are watching an orchestra

All of a sudden, a high- pitched trumpet was heard. The auditorium went silent. Holmes whispered to Watson,"who do you think played the wrong note?"
"I think it was the tuba player", Watson replied.
"How do you figure that?", asked Holmes, confused.
"Why, the man farted, and it came out high-pitched, so it carried" Watson explained.
"Ah"Holmes said. "Ass-toot observation, my good sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef4fcf/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_are_watching_an/
%
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef4esx/what_do_you_call_a_snowman_with_a_six_pack/
%
A young man buys a chicken farm out in the country

He doesn't know much about chickens, so he decides to go consult with some of the locals.  He finds an old farmer and asks if he might be able to give him some pointers.  The old farmer tells him "sure, meet me here at 6am tomorrow and I'll show you the ropes.
The young man gets up and meets the old farmer the next morning, and is surprised to find him waiting outside his chicken coop with a 3-piece suit on, including a top hat, cane, monocle, and even spats.  The young man is baffled but decides to play along and say nothing.  They enter the chicken coops and the young man is immediately attacked by a group of 20-30 chickens.  They peck at his feet, fly up to claw at his face, and beat him over the head with their wings.  After about 30 seconds of this, the young man runs off out of the coop.  He turns around and sees the old farmer standing there calmly, not a chicken even paying him a second glance.  The young man says "that was crazy, they were all over me and they didn't even touch you!"
The old farmer says "Lesson one young man: whenever you deal with chickens you've got to dress impeccably"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef4eop/a_young_man_buys_a_chicken_farm_out_in_the_country/
%
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef4bu0/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
%
What's the cheapest meat?

Deer balls, they're under a buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef4aec/whats_the_cheapest_meat/
%
What is Hitlers favorite reindeer?

Blitzen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef48ws/what_is_hitlers_favorite_reindeer/
%
Teacher: "Class, today we are going to Bangladesh."

Kid named Ladesh: wha...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef4814/teacher_class_today_we_are_going_to_bangladesh/
%
I lost a fight to 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11.

They were in their prime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef45y5/i_lost_a_fight_to_2_3_5_7_and_11/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef41z6/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Im giving up drinking for a year

Whoops, that came out wrong
Im giving up, drinking for a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef41hm/im_giving_up_drinking_for_a_year/
%
Reporter to the world’s first trillionaire: “Sir, what are you going to do with all that money?”.

“I can buy a chicken and some bread now!”, says Abou, while walking out of his bank in Zimbabwe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef3xzv/reporter_to_the_worlds_first_trillionaire_sir/
%
Why did the invention of the dry erase board amaze the world?

Because it was re-markable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef3xc4/why_did_the_invention_of_the_dry_erase_board/
%
Is it any wonder that Santa is so jolly?

**He knows where all the naughty girls live...**
Note: Not even remotely OC, I heard this years ago, but I've been surprised that everyone I've shared it with this week had never heard it, so I figured what the heck, I'll post it. So Merry Christmas everyone! Or Happy Holidays. Or Whatever Your Thing Is, may it be a good one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef3o0e/is_it_any_wonder_that_santa_is_so_jolly/
%
A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.

So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?"  A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef3ka6/a_charity_was_trying_to_convince_the_towns_only/
%
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day...

The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away.
I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef3hkr/i_ordered_rabbit_stew_at_a_pub_the_other_day/
%
Did you hear about the blind circumcisor?

He got the sack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef3gvn/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_circumcisor/
%
My ex-wife still misses me

But her aim has been getting better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef3cyi/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, they’re efficient and not very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef38sq/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What's good about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef2v2p/whats_good_about_dating_a_homeless_girl/
%
A man took his son to the zoo.

They found the monkey cage very entertaining until the father noticed two monkeys in a compromising position which embarrassed him to no end because his son was watching.
He walked up to the keeper and asked if he could stop them.The keeper told him that they are in their natural habitat and could not do anything about it.
The father asked the keeper, "If I throw peanuts at them, do you think they would stop?"
The keeper looked at the father in the eye and said, "Would you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef2o0r/a_man_took_his_son_to_the_zoo/
%
Anti-vaxxers are like teaching a pigeon to play chess...

They don't know jack about it, they don't wanna hear you explain it, and in the end they knock down the pieces and strut around like they won the game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef2gry/antivaxxers_are_like_teaching_a_pigeon_to_play/
%
Did I ever tell you about my friend who could fuck spirits?

Great guy, terrible barman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef2cfm/did_i_ever_tell_you_about_my_friend_who_could/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy new year!
Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef2871/knock_knock/
%
Why did the blind man always have dog poop on his shoes?

Because he can’t see shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef24zr/why_did_the_blind_man_always_have_dog_poop_on_his/
%
I was gonna comment on this weird thing my dog does where no matter how badly he has to go, he always waits until he gets to the exact same spot to go to the bathroom.

But then I realized I do the same thing, so who am I to criticize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef22w2/i_was_gonna_comment_on_this_weird_thing_my_dog/
%
I asked my physics instructor what would happen if the universe hit Absolute Zero.

He told me that if the universe came to that point then we shouldn't worry, everything is going to be 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef1wdl/i_asked_my_physics_instructor_what_would_happen/
%
I got into a fight with 1,3,5,7 and 9

The odds were against me
But 2,4,6, and 8 decided to help me
and now we're even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef1scm/i_got_into_a_fight_with_1357_and_9/
%
If you dont see a repost on the front page of r/jokes

It means it's your turn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef1j14/if_you_dont_see_a_repost_on_the_front_page_of/
%
Which Witcher knows the answers to all questions?

Geralt of Trivia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef17sz/which_witcher_knows_the_answers_to_all_questions/
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A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.

His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm.
Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef16eg/a_man_wanders_back_home_at_300_am/
%
How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus alike?

If you're awake, they're not going to come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef14pj/how_are_bill_cosby_and_santa_claus_alike/
%
I've been using up the ink in all the pens and all the lead in our pencils.

Makes my daughter's Christmas wish list much shorter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef10v6/ive_been_using_up_the_ink_in_all_the_pens_and_all/
%
Hygiene was an issue at the farm

John, the farmer was an old man who couldn't tend to his farm any more. His children had left for the city for greener pastures.
Few years back his wife passed away of old age.
Seeing the farm in neglect, all the domesticed animals on the farm called for an urgent meeting.
The cow, who was the leader said : "Looks like the farm is in a state of neglect. John doesnt seem to care about cleaning, watering and other basics. We need to do something about the shit situation here. Theres excrement all over the farm. Its unhygienic, smells gross and it feels weird to even graze across the farm. We need to do something about the shit."
The rabbit, in order to impress the boss, stepped up said : "I can be of help here. Ever heard of Coprophagia? It means that we, the rabbits can eat our own excrement. Hopefully that will make this farm cleaner."
Seeing this, the chicken said : "I think I can eat my droppings too."
The dog stood up and said : "I will eat my shit. It will keep  my den clean and protect my puppies from predators that might get drawn from its scent."
All remaining animals came forward offering to eat thier own shit in order to keep the farm clean.
The monkey, who was sitting on the tree silently, finally couldn't contain his curiosity. He came down from the tree slowly and everybody could see him shaking with fear. Afterall, the cow was known to be a arrogant leader with anger issues. The monkey gathered all his strength and said in his trembling voice: "Hey leader cow, everybody has decided to eat thier shit for the better hygene of this farm. You are the leader of this farm. You should lead with an example. Can you atleast promise to eat your own cake?"
The cow, stomped her feet in anger and said : "Aint gonna have my cake and eat it too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef10qj/hygiene_was_an_issue_at_the_farm/
%
Tinder is the opposite of porn ads...

There are actually tons of singles in my area but none of them are interested in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef0ywq/tinder_is_the_opposite_of_porn_ads/
%
Last night I went to a Christmas party.

We had a few drinks, followed by a few more drinks, followed by a few shots and we were pretty well "lit".  That's when we decided to do what we have never done before: We took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. We arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it is in our garage, I don't know what to do with it!!
Be safe and plan ahead this holiday season.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef0rag/last_night_i_went_to_a_christmas_party/
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What does a Bungee Jump & a Hooker have in common?

They are both cheap and fast but if your rubber breaks you're pretty much screwed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef0oak/what_does_a_bungee_jump_a_hooker_have_in_common/
%
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

"How are you mate?"
"Yeah Im okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing."
I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.
I said "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you.
They respond "Get away with ya... Prove it."
I shouted downstairs "Hey, mate! Both of them?"
He shouted back "Of course both of them! What's the point in fucking one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef0mcl/my_mate_broke_his_leg_so_i_went_to_see_him_at_home/
%
We're having a Brexit themed Christmas.

Everyone says what they want but nobody ends up getting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef0h2a/were_having_a_brexit_themed_christmas/
%
What did the Chinese boy get for Christmas?

The toy he made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef09gf/what_did_the_chinese_boy_get_for_christmas/
%
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage...

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He would come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He would come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef0798/a_couple_was_on_their_honeymoon_lying_in_bed/
%
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.

She asked how warm?  I said lukewarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ef0162/i_was_watching_star_wars_with_my_daughter_she/
%
You've never heard of the 10th Reindeer?

The first eight are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.
The 9th is Rudolth the red nosed reindeer, and the 10th is the jerk called Olive.
Why do i call him a jerk? You know... Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eezrhe/youve_never_heard_of_the_10th_reindeer/
%
Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eezk2x/why_dont_chinese_kids_believe_in_santa_claus/
%
If they call sex with three people a threesome and sex with four people a foursome...

then I see why they call you handsome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eezdx1/if_they_call_sex_with_three_people_a_threesome/
%
What does Santa Claus do when Ms. Claus isn't home?

Ho Ho Hoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eez76w/what_does_santa_claus_do_when_ms_claus_isnt_home/
%
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.

Guy: How rare?
Doc: Really rare.
Guy: What’s it called?
Doc: You choose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eez2g7/doctor_sir_youve_got_a_rare_disease/
%
I’m pretty indifferent about most literary devices...

...but I avoid similes like the plague.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeyrpg/im_pretty_indifferent_about_most_literary_devices/
%
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?

They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeyrir/what_does_the_tour_de_france_and_amsterdam_have/
%
A nurse is standing in a consultation room with a patient

The patient says"this is a little embarrassing so please don't laugh"
The nurse "I've been a nurse for 12 years nothing you show me is going to make me laugh"
The man drops his trousers revealing a penis the size and girth of a triple A battery.
The nurse stifles her giggle but tries to stay professional "and what exactly is the problem?" she asks.
"it's swollen" replies the patient, the nurse walks out laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeyq5t/a_nurse_is_standing_in_a_consultation_room_with_a/
%
My friend was walking the dog...

... and someone approaches trying to make conversation.
— What a beautiful dog! What breed is it?
— It's a German shepherd.
— Gorgeous, does it have a name?
— The Lord.
— The Lord? Why would you name it like that?!
— Because The Lord is my shepherd.
^(edit: then he farted.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeyoji/my_friend_was_walking_the_dog/
%
Am I gay?

A young boy has an appointment with a therapist and asks:
"Am I gay? My brother is gay, does that make me gay?".
The therapist replies "Just because your brother is gay, doesn't mean you're gay".
B: But my father is gay too, does that make me gay?
T: No, just because your father is gay, it doesn't make you gay.
B: Yeah but my grandfather is gay too, doesn't that make me gay?
T: No, you're not gay just because your grandfather is gay. Surely not everyone if your family is gay. Doesn't anyone in your family like females?
B: My sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeymti/am_i_gay/
%
What's Brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeydan/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Men aren't allowed to celebrate Christmas

It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeyab8/men_arent_allowed_to_celebrate_christmas/
%
My friend nailed some beef to the ceiling and told me to slap it

I told him no
The steaks were too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eey9n4/my_friend_nailed_some_beef_to_the_ceiling_and/
%
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.

The odds were against me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eey4zs/i_got_into_a_fight_with_1_3_5_7_and_9/
%
Your annual reminder that computer programmers cannot tell Christmas from Halloween

because DEC(25) = OCT(31)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eexxz5/your_annual_reminder_that_computer_programmers/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through something so small?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eexvqg/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
%
Never married

I've been engaged a few times, but never got married.
You could say i've had some near Mrs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eexk7r/never_married/
%
Hello, I am crow. Would you like to give to charity?

Caw caw caw caw
.......
It's four good caws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eex8c1/hello_i_am_crow_would_you_like_to_give_to_charity/
%
This one time I got into an argument with my furnace.

You could say things got a little heated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eex69y/this_one_time_i_got_into_an_argument_with_my/
%
What do you call a marine who didn't complete his training?

A submarine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eewymh/what_do_you_call_a_marine_who_didnt_complete_his/
%
No matter how kind your child is

German kids are always kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eewvg6/no_matter_how_kind_your_child_is/
%
An old man is at home on his deathbed...

The doctors have given him only a couple of days to live and he no longer has even the strength to stand on his own. He lays in bed, thinking back on his life - his children, his parents, and his beautiful wife of 55 years. As he lays there, remembering the good times, he begins to feel himself drifting to sleep for what would probably be the last time.
Just as his mind begins to wander into sleep, he suddenly gets drawn back out by a familiar smell. He quickly sits up in bed, trying to place this aroma. Invigorated by its scent, he musters all his strength and manages to lift himself up out of bed and over to his walker. He slowly walks through the house towards the fragrance, its familiarity boosting his strength with each step.
As he rounds the corner, he sees a large tray of freshly baked cookies - cookies his wife hasn't made in over a decade. He reaches out to grab one, and just as he's about to touch the top cookie, a hand swats his away from the plate.
He looks up to see his wife standing there, snarling at him. She says:
"Those are for the funeral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eewup8/an_old_man_is_at_home_on_his_deathbed/
%
They laughed at me when I said I wanted to become a comedian. Now I have.

Well, nobody's laughing now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eewu9z/they_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_become/
%
I asked my friend who moved to North Korea, how is it living there

He said he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eewtv5/i_asked_my_friend_who_moved_to_north_korea_how_is/
%
What does a parent do to their child who has too much sex?

They beat the “Fuck” out of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eewtnp/what_does_a_parent_do_to_their_child_who_has_too/
%
Did you hear about the guy that got his left arm and left leg cut off?

He’s all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eewq9u/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_got_his_left_arm/
%
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Poker face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eewnyv/how_do_you_wake_up_lady_gaga/
%
[OC] What do you call a doctor that pranks it's patients?

A sike-ologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eewntc/oc_what_do_you_call_a_doctor_that_pranks_its/
%
My dad was so good at Russian roulette.

He only lost once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eewjnc/my_dad_was_so_good_at_russian_roulette/
%
My wife and I decided that we don’t want to have any kids

Our kids are taking it pretty hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eewcmg/my_wife_and_i_decided_that_we_dont_want_to_have/
%
How did Snoop Dogg get his Knot Tying merit badge?

With his hitches and bows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eew89h/how_did_snoop_dogg_get_his_knot_tying_merit_badge/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Just look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eew77o/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
Have you ever tried making a belt out of watches?

Don't. It's a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eew2wg/have_you_ever_tried_making_a_belt_out_of_watches/
%
A man goes to the hospital and says to the doctor

“I’m here for my premature ejaculation exam”
“But it’s noon and your appointment is for 5:30!”
“See doc, I came too early!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eevzfo/a_man_goes_to_the_hospital_and_says_to_the_doctor/
%
A young boy told his mother he'd found a dead cat

"How do you know it was dead?" she asked him.
"Well, I pissed in it's ear, and it didn't move!" he replied
"YOU DID WHAT?!?!?" she yelled.
"You know, I leaned over and said 'pssssssssssssst' into it's ear and it didn't move!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eevqer/a_young_boy_told_his_mother_hed_found_a_dead_cat/
%
I don't have OCD. I have CDO.

Same thing, just in alphabetical order.
Like they should be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eevpgc/i_dont_have_ocd_i_have_cdo/
%
My boyfriend and my dad have the same name

so every time I’m having sex, I think of my boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eevjw3/my_boyfriend_and_my_dad_have_the_same_name/
%
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

Don’t worry, he worked it out with a pencil!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eevbbn/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
A man walks into a bar

He looked very tired in the early morning. The bartender asks “what’s up man why you look so tired”.  Eh,  it’s a long story, replies the man. The bartender requests the man to tell the story.
Well then, I saw a girl yesterday. She was tied to a train track.
“TRAIN TRACK?” the bartender replies in shock.
Yeah, some bastard tied her there to leave her dead. Anyways, I untied her quickly and took her home since it was too late to do anything.
“was she beautiful ? sexy? what did you do then?” asks the bartender very curiously.
the man continues, yeah her body was amazing. I had boner all the time driving home and I couldn’t resist her sexy perky tits and bubble butt. So i played some romantic music and started touching her body with my fingertips.
“damn, you must have had an amazing night then aye” bartender replies in excitement.
yeah dude, i then undressed her and had my way with her all night. i fucked her in the bedroom, then kitchen, then the living room floor. I fucked her pussy and ass many time so i’m very tired as i haven’t slept at all.
the bartender then asks “you’re lucky man, she’d also be good at giving head i assume?”
the man replies, I don’t know man, she didn’t have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eevb91/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eev9wo/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
Friend - What is you new year’s resolution?

Me - 420 x 69

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eev7b4/friend_what_is_you_new_years_resolution/
%
I’m planning on donating my organs when I die.

Microbiology students are going to have a fucking blast with my penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eev3gy/im_planning_on_donating_my_organs_when_i_die/
%
What do you yell when a sex worker falls at a square dance?

"It's a hoe-down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eev0i6/what_do_you_yell_when_a_sex_worker_falls_at_a/
%
I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeuyll/i_saw_a_crying_baby_in_a_hot_car_today_i_grabbed/
%
Where do pregnant women go in the summer?

Labor Camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeuokx/where_do_pregnant_women_go_in_the_summer/
%
My dad: *makes that's what she said joke* me: stop I'm only 10

My dad: thats what she said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeuhvj/my_dad_makes_thats_what_she_said_joke_me_stop_im/
%
The Soviet Union was doomed to fail

There were red flags everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeuecs/the_soviet_union_was_doomed_to_fail/
%
What do you say to a constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeuasd/what_do_you_say_to_a_constipated_detective/
%
What sound does a French pig make?

Oinque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeua23/what_sound_does_a_french_pig_make/
%
I went it in for a prostate exam the other day.

I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there next to mine" was not the response I was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeu6t6/i_went_it_in_for_a_prostate_exam_the_other_day/
%
What did Virgil say when Dante looked unwell?

Hey man, you look like you've been through hell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeu4up/what_did_virgil_say_when_dante_looked_unwell/
%
My friend Dante was a big PETA supporter, but suddenly started protesting against them.

Dante’s in fur now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeu2m8/my_friend_dante_was_a_big_peta_supporter_but/
%
Two cannibals are eating an E-athlete

One turns to the other and asks: does this taste a little gamey to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeu1t2/two_cannibals_are_eating_an_eathlete/
%
How do you know if you'll like sailing?

Put on a thick yellow raincoat, and stuff it with hundred dollar bills. Step into the shower, turn it on full blast and it's coldest temperature, and just start stuffing those bills down the drain. If you've managed to somehow enjoy yourself doing this, you might just be crazy enough to enjoy sailing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eetq70/how_do_you_know_if_youll_like_sailing/
%
I am not crazy...

2 out of every 3 voices inside of me says so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eetl92/i_am_not_crazy/
%
What she wanted most for Christmas

This Christmas my wife said she’d like nothing more than a new car.
So I’m getting her what she wanted most.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eetkw8/what_she_wanted_most_for_christmas/
%
Friends are like snow

When you pee on them, they disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eetkuq/friends_are_like_snow/
%
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end...

But a beautiful finish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eethwx/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_accidentally_drank/
%
Possessing people as a ghost in China must be hard.

Possession of government property is illegal after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eetglg/possessing_people_as_a_ghost_in_china_must_be_hard/
%
So I recently spent some time child proofing the house.

But the little fuckers keep getting back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eetf0c/so_i_recently_spent_some_time_child_proofing_the/
%
Hey honey, I'm pregnant!...

...What would you like it to be?
Him: A lie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeteiq/hey_honey_im_pregnant/
%
They’re coming out with another driving service app, but it’s only for plus sized people

Fork Lyft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eet7ep/theyre_coming_out_with_another_driving_service/
%
9 of the top 10 days to give birth fall between Sept. 9 and Sept. 20. Given that pregnancies last an average of about 38 weeks, this means many people are conceiving in December, around the holidays.

In other words, if you can't afford to give presents, get f**ked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eet6yg/9_of_the_top_10_days_to_give_birth_fall_between/
%
Have you ever watched the movie "Constipation"

Probably not. Because,
It was never released.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eet3im/have_you_ever_watched_the_movie_constipation/
%
What do you call it when a cow pleasures himself?

Some say MOOsterbation, but I’ve always been partial to Beef Strokinoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eesy0w/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_cow_pleasures_himself/
%
The best job is working for the US Mint.

You make millions of dollars every single day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeso2k/the_best_job_is_working_for_the_us_mint/
%
What do OJ Simpson and the Pittsburgh Steelers have in common?

They beat up on the Browns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eesnzb/what_do_oj_simpson_and_the_pittsburgh_steelers/
%
A man escapes from Prison...

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eesmet/a_man_escapes_from_prison/
%
I guy I knew about 10 years ago was really into older women (NSFL)

And when I say older, I'm talking about your grandmother.
He met this one lady who was obviously flattered by the attention. They talked for a while, laughing and exchanging stories about each other, they were really hitting it off.
Then he suggested going back to her place. She looked him in the eyes for a bit, then a smile slowly spread across her face. She could tell that there was some genuine attraction between them. Yes was the answer.
Back at her place, they were kissing, which proceeded to touching, which proceeded to clothes coming off. He kissed down her neck to her breasts, took a nipple in his mouth and gently  sucked a bit. To his surprise he got a mouthful of liquid.
He swallowed, leaned back and looked at her.
"Wow, I'd of thought you were too old to be able to produce milk."
"I am", she said, "but I'm not too old to have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eesfli/i_guy_i_knew_about_10_years_ago_was_really_into/
%
A Pirate walks into a Bar

Bartender asks "Why do you have a paper towel on your hat?"
Pirate says "Arrgh, there be a Bounty on me head."
^^^^Thanks ^^^^Alexa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ees6ug/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Do you believe in change?

That shit makes cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ees6ij/do_you_believe_in_change/
%
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she's ever felt...

She's probably pulling your leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eerzwn/if_a_blind_girl_tells_you_your_dick_is_the/
%
Some rabbits may be dumb, but they have math skills

They're really good at multiplying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eerzsu/some_rabbits_may_be_dumb_but_they_have_math_skills/
%
A cannibal isn't feeling too great after dinner last night.

*Disclaimer: better when told, not written. Tell your friends!*
He pays a visit to his witch doctor.
WD: Describe what you ate last night?
C: He was wearing a thick brown robe, with a rope around his waist. He was a little plump around the middle and had a bald spot on the top of his head.
WD: And how did you prepare him?
C: Just boiled him with some salt.
WD: Well, that there is your problem. He wasn't a boiler, he was a friar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeryaz/a_cannibal_isnt_feeling_too_great_after_dinner/
%
Dad told me my constipation isn't hereditary

But I didn't believe him because he is always full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eersyx/dad_told_me_my_constipation_isnt_hereditary/
%
Knock Knock

Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh-
Moooooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eernou/knock_knock/
%
I joined a fitness group where the main objective is to always take the stairs.

It's a 10,000 step program.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eernam/i_joined_a_fitness_group_where_the_main_objective/
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What’s an assassins favorite type of food

Takeout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eerlib/whats_an_assassins_favorite_type_of_food/
%
So a fellow walks into a bar and sees another fellow looking sad. “Hey, what’s bothering you, friend?” he says.

“All my life I’ve dreamed of being an acrobat,” the other fellow says. “But I had an inner ear deformity that affected my balance. So I became an archeologist instead. Then last week I unearthed a magic lamp and the genie inside granted me one wish. I knew exactly what I wanted. I wished for all the abilities of an acrobat.”
“Then why are you so sad?” asked the first man. “Now you can live your dream!”
“No, I can’t,” says the second man. “But I can edit pdf’s with the best of them...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eerdsf/so_a_fellow_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_another/
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What is the most fiscally responsible religion?

Christianity... because Jesus saves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eerbga/what_is_the_most_fiscally_responsible_religion/
%
A couple had twin boys.

They were named Toward and Away, as Toward always looked toward them, and Away always looked away. One day, the father decides to take the kids on a fishing trip. When he returns, however, he no longer has the kids with him. The mother is furious. "What happened to my kids?" she asks. The father says, "A big fish ate Toward." "Oh my god, that's horrible!" the mom says. "Oh yeah? Well you should've seen the one that got Away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeqs4w/a_couple_had_twin_boys/
%
What did the cow say after it crossed the street?

Moo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeqqew/what_did_the_cow_say_after_it_crossed_the_street/
%
WiFi Password

Me: What's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeql37/wifi_password/
%
Everyone told Sam not to sing

But Samsung anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eepq8a/everyone_told_sam_not_to_sing/
%
Husband Sent A Text To His Wife At Night

“Hi I Will Get Late, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favorite Dish Before I Return..!”
(No response from his wife)
. . . . He Sent Another Text, “And I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I’m Getting You A New Car..!”:.
She Texts Back, “OMG Really..?”...
The husband replied, “No I Just Wanted To Make Sure You Got My First Message”..!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eepmix/husband_sent_a_text_to_his_wife_at_night/
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The other day I told my doctor I havent been able to poop in weeks

He said I was full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eepdht/the_other_day_i_told_my_doctor_i_havent_been_able/
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Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak.

As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says "I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eep6ud/two_cowboys_are_sitting_in_a_restaurant_when_a/
%
A man asked a woman to send him nudes

“Ew, you creep. Go fuck yourself.” She said
“Well that’s what I’m trying to do!” Replied the man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eep66s/a_man_asked_a_woman_to_send_him_nudes/
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What’s black and white that could fall out of a tree and kill you?

A piano

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eep482/whats_black_and_white_that_could_fall_out_of_a/
%
Most important mom rule

Sleep:
when the baby sleeps
Fold laundry:
when the baby folds laundry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeovdz/most_important_mom_rule/
%
If you commit 90 sins, you’ll be caught about half the time.

Because sin90 = cot45

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeotxe/if_you_commit_90_sins_youll_be_caught_about_half/
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A man named Michael Foot was put in charge of a committee on the disposal of nuclear weapons

"Foot Heads Arms Body"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeotmp/a_man_named_michael_foot_was_put_in_charge_of_a/
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Different races need to be segregated.

I'm so sick of people combining biking, swimming and running and calling it one single race.  "iTs A tRiAtHaLOn" shut up lmfao. Those are 3 different events, and should be treated as such.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeonmh/different_races_need_to_be_segregated/
%
I was picking my nose and my wife said it was disgusting!

She’s not a big fan of plastic surgery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeolb5/i_was_picking_my_nose_and_my_wife_said_it_was/
%
How did Kanye commit suicide?

He jumped from the top of his ego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeoh0d/how_did_kanye_commit_suicide/
%
An old man is talking to his granddaughter.

They are sitting on a bench overlooking the town.
The old man says, "You see that lighthouse? I laid every brick that's there today, but they don't call me The Lighthouse Builder"
" You see that dock?", he says to the girl," I put down every post holding it up right now, even in the harshest weather, but they don't call me the Dock Builder"
"I built hundreds of houses, schools and bridges, and they still don't call me The Builder, or anything like that"
"But you fuck one goat...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeoeo3/an_old_man_is_talking_to_his_granddaughter/
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What is the difference between a priest and a wire coat hanger?

According to the church only one of them harms children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeo90j/what_is_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a/
%
Twas the night before Christmas

When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
Really should have bought a carbon monoxide detector

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeo7cm/twas_the_night_before_christmas/
%
Being transgender is so expensive.

Everything I do is a transaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeo6mh/being_transgender_is_so_expensive/
%
What sound did the Boeing CEO make when he was tossed out of his office?

*BOEING*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeo6f8/what_sound_did_the_boeing_ceo_make_when_he_was/
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UBER driver.

An UBER passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an UBER driver – I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeo53c/uber_driver/
%
Proximity isn’t everything

but it’s close

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeo3rl/proximity_isnt_everything/
%
A pirate joke

So two pirates are working on a pirate ship, one of them is an older pirate and one of them is a new pirate. So they're going along working and the younger pirate turns to the older pirate and says, "hey I see you got a peg leg there, how'd you get that?" The older pirate turns to him and says, "arg I fell off the boat once and a shark bit it clean off arg."
They continue working and after a bit the younger pirate turns to him again and says, "hey I see you got a hook for a hand there how'd you get that?" The older pirate turns to him and replies, "arg I was boarding an enemy ship during battle and one of the enemy cut it clean off with this blade arg."
They continue working, then after a bit the younger pirate turns to the older and says, "hey I see you got a patch over your eye how'd you get that?" The older pirate turns to him and replies, "arg there was a bird flying overhead and he pooped, and it landed straight in me eye arg."
The younger pirate looks at him and says, "wow bird poop took out your eye that's crazy." The older pirate replies, "arg, first day with me hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeo2mg/a_pirate_joke/
%
So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...
So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the pub.
When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number.  I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged.
She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eenoou/so_i_was_driving_uber_tonight_and_i_picked_up_a/
%
An American man, a Russian man and a Chinese man are in a car...

They reach an unmarked intersection and stop to decide where they should continue.
The American man scoffs: "I'm for pure capitalism, and that's right-wing. We'll turn right!"
The Russian frowns: "Communism is the natural order, and that's left-wing. We shall turn left!"
The Chinese man quietly says: "Let me tell you my way: we'll signal left, but we'll turn right".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eenobo/an_american_man_a_russian_man_and_a_chinese_man/
%
A man spends a ton of time looking for the sun..

Then it dawned on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eenmok/a_man_spends_a_ton_of_time_looking_for_the_sun/
%
Why does Captain Kirk’s wife smell?

Because William Shatner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eenhz9/why_does_captain_kirks_wife_smell/
%
How many Africans do you need to change a lightbulb?

One, you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eengya/how_many_africans_do_you_need_to_change_a/
%
A Klansman, a murderer and a wife beater walks to a bar

The bartender says: "Hello Officer, what would you like to drink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/een93p/a_klansman_a_murderer_and_a_wife_beater_walks_to/
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Adam & Eve

So it's Creation Day in the Garden of Eden and God is handing out physical attributes to Adam and Eve. He says, "Ok, upper body strength. Who wants this one?" Adam jumps up and down and says loudly, "Oh ME, ME, ME!" So God gives it to him. Next God says, "Ok. Who wants to be able to pee standing up?" Adam again with the overbearing enthusiasm yells, "GOTTA HAVE IT! Absolutely gotta have it!" God gives it to him reluctantly. Then God says, "Ok, that just leaves one last attribute and it's yours Eve: multiple orgasms." ;-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/een3ul/adam_eve/
%
With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas

But all he gave me was some junky old car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/een3o5/with_all_the_mandalorian_hype_i_had_asked_my_rich/
%
What is someone with a foot fetish's favourite genre of music?

Sole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/een3im/what_is_someone_with_a_foot_fetishs_favourite/
%
What do you call a Canadian Prostitute who specializes in blow jobs?

A Leaf Blower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eemtzg/what_do_you_call_a_canadian_prostitute_who/
%
Why were 7 and 8 startled when 10 walked into the room?

Because they were in the middle of 6 9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eemtv5/why_were_7_and_8_startled_when_10_walked_into_the/
%
Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?

He had no body to go with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eemqon/why_didnt_the_skeleton_go_to_prom/
%
Did you hear about the blind circumciser?

he got the sack....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eemolh/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_circumciser/
%
A bread factory caught on fire the other day.

Now, their business is toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eemo7v/a_bread_factory_caught_on_fire_the_other_day/
%
I want to go to Vegas next year

But I can't find any information about what happens there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eemhe2/i_want_to_go_to_vegas_next_year/
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Why can't you breed an eel and an eagle?

It's eeleagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eem9xh/why_cant_you_breed_an_eel_and_an_eagle/
%
I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out, I've been doing it for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eem99j/i_used_to_be_jealous_of_harry_potter_for_being/
%
A baby was born without eyelids.

They used his foreskin to replace his eyelids.
He has been cockeyed ever since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eem8fq/a_baby_was_born_without_eyelids/
%
What do you call an apple near your foot?

Fruit by the Foot
(Coworkers loved this joke. And none had heard it before, so im pretty sure its OC)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eem634/what_do_you_call_an_apple_near_your_foot/
%
What's something a frog never gonna jump into?

Conclusions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eem1p0/whats_something_a_frog_never_gonna_jump_into/
%
Before the swordfight could begin, one big ferocious knight displays a gigantic sword to his opponent, an unarmed midget-knight, and laughs at him

The midget knight doesn't seem to be frightened  and proceeds to be in the position to fight. The big knight lunges towards him and gets closer, the crowed cheers in anticipation! immediately the midget knight jumps in air, pulls out his Dick and stabs the mighty knight in eye. The crowd screams as the big bloodied knight trembles and falls to the ground dead. The crowd goes silent with disbelief, gaping.
The midget knight, wipes his hands smeared in blood and looks at the bewildered faces and says..
"What ? Did you not know Penis mightier than sword?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eem0d0/before_the_swordfight_could_begin_one_big/
%
I just finished having terrible sex with a french girl...

She kept yelling "Wee Wee Wee" and it was very off putting. She should have gone before we started

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeljph/i_just_finished_having_terrible_sex_with_a_french/
%
Hey guys, why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 began a racially motivated crime spree on April 28th, 2000 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, which left five individuals dead and one paralyzed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eele1t/hey_guys_why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.
They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:
"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere. It was winter, but it wasn't too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified.
I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods. Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety. I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight. When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn't see more than twenty feet and I didn't want to risk getting myself lost as well. I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard.
I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace. The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing. The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice.
When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm. Well, one thing lead to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love. Even though we were both exhausted from what happened, we made love the whole night and  that was the most passionate love I ever made in my life.
In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go. His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn't come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn't even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him."
The TV crew looked at each other in shock and after a few seconds one of them said: "No, we meant what is your secret for long and active life."
"Oh, that?" the man said, "Clean air, regular exercise, healthy food, no stress... That kind of stuff."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeld1h/tv_crew_decides_to_visit_a_hundred_years_old_man/
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The Catholic church released a fun PC game which takes place in the garden of Eden. You play as Eve and Adam is hiding from you. Your goal is to hunt him down with a slingshot.

It's a first person shooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eel7u2/the_catholic_church_released_a_fun_pc_game_which/
%
Did you hear the Cowboys had a touchdown in Philadelphia yesterday?

It was at the airport!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eel4ue/did_you_hear_the_cowboys_had_a_touchdown_in/
%
You ever heard of that one swimmer with heart problems?

I guess you can say he had bad backstrokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eel3mu/you_ever_heard_of_that_one_swimmer_with_heart/
%
John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"
Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"
John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk"
Cop: "Holy shit!"
The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up.
Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?"
John: "Sure"
John had his license
Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?"
John: "Sure"
It was in his car
Chief: "Could you open your glove box?"
John: "Sure"
There were no weapons
Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?"
John: "Be my guest"
There were no bodies in the trunk
Chief:"Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk"
John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eel1db/john_gets_pulled_over_on_the_highway_for_speeding/
%
Why did the scarecrow got promoted ?

Because he was out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eel0og/why_did_the_scarecrow_got_promoted/
%
A young man has just gotten his driver's license

So his father offers some words of wisdom.
"Son" he says "In this day and age the road can be a dangerous place. First of all, beware of any drunk drivers. Second, beware of any taxi drivers. And finally, motorcycles."
"But dad, what about women?"
"Ah. A woman is like a drunk taxi driver on a motorcycle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eekynp/a_young_man_has_just_gotten_his_drivers_license/
%
Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Me: "Why?"
Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eekxqm/bouncer_im_going_to_have_to_ask_you_to_leave/
%
Why did David Bowie's VCR always flash "12:00"?

Because although time may change him, he can't change time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eekv1q/why_did_david_bowies_vcr_always_flash_1200/
%
I'm going to host a charity concert for those who struggle to reach an orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eekteh/im_going_to_host_a_charity_concert_for_those_who/
%
Trump and Obama are getting a haircut in the same barber shop.

Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeks9i/trump_and_obama_are_getting_a_haircut_in_the_same/
%
I’m not too surprised that the founder of Reddit, Alexis Ohanian, is married to the tennis player Serena Williams.

Redditor are always looking for better servers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eekmkf/im_not_too_surprised_that_the_founder_of_reddit/
%
I'm giving up drinking for a month.

That came out wrong.
I'm giving up, drinking for a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eekfl9/im_giving_up_drinking_for_a_month/
%
Music puns aren't just bad

They're treble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eekfb5/music_puns_arent_just_bad/
%
What did Adam say on the 23rd of December?

It's Christmas eve eve, Eve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eekcnk/what_did_adam_say_on_the_23rd_of_december/
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there's a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eek43e/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
%
Grade school question, what day doesn't end in "Y" ?

Tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eek40e/grade_school_question_what_day_doesnt_end_in_y/
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As a vampire I cannot bear direct sunlight, which is why I moved to Scotland

But now I can't find any virgins!
-- Frankie Boyle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eek0me/as_a_vampire_i_cannot_bear_direct_sunlight_which/
%
Trump is visiting a school and walks into a classroom.

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”
“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eejqai/trump_is_visiting_a_school_and_walks_into_a/
%
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?

Every couple
-my 8yr old daughters riddle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eejmme/a_plane_crashes_every_single_person_dies_who/
%
Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eejkii/yesterday_my_doctor_told_me_my_chronic_diarrhea/
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A bear is walking through the woods

and notices a small white rabbit taking a dump.
The rabbit sees the bear, and gets a little scared – understandable, it’s a bear. The bear stops and looks at the rabbit. The rabbit looks back. Then the bear speaks –
“Hello, Mr. Rabbit!”
The rabbit, quite scared, replies “Hello, Mr. Bear”
The bear says “Tell me, Mr. Rabbit, have you ever had the problem of poop sticking to your fur?”
“Uhh… no.”
So the bear picks him up and wipes his ass with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eejhxf/a_bear_is_walking_through_the_woods/
%
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?

Nothing, it's on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eejb0b/how_much_does_santa_pay_to_park_his_sleigh/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

-0.89594417018
= cos(789)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eej941/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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Apple breast implants

Apple is working on smart breast implants, which can adapt their shape and texture to suit your lifestyle. The iTit can be used charge your mobile devices while browsing, as cupholders, and even as a self defence device. Future app updates will include anti jiggle functions, as well as an automated dick and shoulder massage option. Just remember to mention this post and use the coupon code: REDTIT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eej0xw/apple_breast_implants/
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I had a Thai massage at the weekend...

Nothing dodgy - the wife had a token for one of those health clubs. So I strips down to my birthday suit and lie face down on the table. This very petite, but very gorgeous Thai girl comes in and starts to give me a very firm yet very relaxing massage. She’s totally stunning and as I’m lying there I just keep thinking: “Don’t get a hard-on. Don’t get a hard-on”.
But of course she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeiz68/i_had_a_thai_massage_at_the_weekend/
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A single man was sitting alone in his house...

When he heard a knock on the door. He opened to see a snail sitting on the porch, so he threw the snail as far away as he could. The next day he decided to go out for a walk in the park where he met the most beautiful lady anyone can imagine. He approached the lady and started talking to her, to his surprise, the lady seemed to like him a lot. He took her number, promised to call her sometime, and went home. The next day he called her to go out on a date and she agreed, they went to fancy restaurant, crashed at a bar, and then came back to his house to have the most amazing and passionate night he could dream of with the best romantic sex in the world. The man was never happier in his life. They spent months living together in a perfect relationship, but all good things must come to an end, the lady had to travel abroad to see her sick father. Promising she would one day be back, she left the house heading to the airport, and the man didn’t hear from her again.
1 Year passed, nothing.
2 Years passed, nothing.
3 Years passed, nothing, UNTIL the last day of December, the man heard a gentle, weak knock on the door. He raced to the door to open it and the first words he heard was:
“Yo, what the fuck was that for?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeiuur/a_single_man_was_sitting_alone_in_his_house/
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I got my sleeping pills mixed up with my cats medication the other day...

Just don't ask me-ow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeiui9/i_got_my_sleeping_pills_mixed_up_with_my_cats/
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After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…

I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeisot/after_landing_myself_in_jail_i_spent_the_first_4/
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Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."
Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."
The scientists then said "well, that's odd."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeipns/scientists_removed_the_right_half_of_a_mans_noggin/
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I must admit that my sεxual desires have been getting out of hand…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I realized I had hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeipno/i_must_admit_that_my_sεxual_desires_have_been/
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What was the snowman doing in the vegetable patch?

Picking his nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeio65/what_was_the_snowman_doing_in_the_vegetable_patch/
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It is in the news that Russia's "Sovereign Web" test will cut off the entire country from the web today.

Donald Trump said in a statement, "I hope that doesn't hurt my approval rating."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeikf6/it_is_in_the_news_that_russias_sovereign_web_test/
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeigqw/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
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I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead.

The other is to come out to my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeiget/i_have_decided_i_wanted_to_be_healthier_so_one_of/
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What's the difference between a grenade and a wife?

A grenade will only blow your best friend once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eei4tf/whats_the_difference_between_a_grenade_and_a_wife/
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An Omegle Chat Joke

Stranger: I hate my f---ing life.
You: no you don't.
You: you hate your life right now.
Stranger: I'm 22, working in fast food and will probably never do anything better.
Stranger: my co-workers make fun of me everyday.
You: learn the ways of the honeybadger.
Stranger: and if I told my boss, he would probably cut my already shit pay.
You: that is illegal.
Stranger: cause he's a cheap bastard.
Stranger: my only friend is mentally retarded /
Me: and that makes you a wonderful friend :)
Stranger: and all we ever do together is stupid shit.
Stranger: I can't leave my hometown cause I never learned how to drive.
Stranger: plus every time I try, I fail my driver's test.
You: drivers Ed bro
You: shit works
Stranger: and you know what the worst part is? :(
You: you're so lost in self pity that you can't accept when something good happens to you?
Stranger: I live in a pineapple under the sea.
You: God damn it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eei2cb/an_omegle_chat_joke/
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The first time

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eehv9q/the_first_time/
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Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend were apprehended in the act of breaking into the kennels and setting the inhabitants free. I guess that makes it official.

The Who let the dogs out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eehq2a/roger_daltrey_and_pete_townshend_were_apprehended/
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me: what makes you angry?

Pirate: When someone steals my p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eehi68/me_what_makes_you_angry/
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I bought my shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eehf39/i_bought_my_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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Knew this youtube channel that was run by a necromancer

He mostly does unboxing videos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eehbw8/knew_this_youtube_channel_that_was_run_by_a/
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What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot?

Mitosis!
Sorry if it’s been posted before but my little cousin just told me this and I died laughing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeh6tg/what_did_the_cell_say_when_his_sister_stepped_on/
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Nobody always asks how Coca Cola is doing...

It's always "is Pepsi ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeh074/nobody_always_asks_how_coca_cola_is_doing/
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My grief counsellor just died

Luckily he was good so I don’t give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eegzjv/my_grief_counsellor_just_died/
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Two soldiers sat around a campfire, in a heavily besieged city.

The younger soldier said to the older soldier: "I am too young to die, I don't even know what the taste of a woman is like. Can you share your wife with me?"
The older soldier kept stirring a large cooking pot and replied: "Hold your horses, she is not even fully cooked yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eegvps/two_soldiers_sat_around_a_campfire_in_a_heavily/
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A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"
The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.
The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!"
The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"
The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eegv25/a_journalist_goes_to_russia_for_a_documentary_in/
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I don't trust stairs

They are always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eegtlb/i_dont_trust_stairs/
%
The Duck Hunter

So this duck hunter finally talked his wife into going hunting with him. They were to leave very early the next day, so they prepared everything the night before. The alarm clock was set for 3am, and hubby was gonna get up first and make sure everything was ready.
He got up to check on stuff, and the weather had turned bad: it was 30°, raining, and wind was blowing 25mph. He went to check on the dog.
He got back and woke his wife. When she saw the weather, she said, “I didn’t sign up for this. No way I’m going out in this weather.”
He said, “Well, if you don’t want to go, you either have to let me fuck you in the butt or give me a blow-job.”
She decided that a blow-job would be faster and more comfortable, so she got to it.
She suddenly looked up and said, “Your dick smells like shit!”
He said, “Yeah, the dog didn’t want to go either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eegr5y/the_duck_hunter/
%
A doctor told his patient

"Sir, I'm afraid to tell you that your DNA has been completely reversed"
The guy said "ok, and?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eegobc/a_doctor_told_his_patient/
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What type of fixings do frogs like most?

Rivet. Rivet. Rivet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eegmer/what_type_of_fixings_do_frogs_like_most/
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At a particular down point in my life, my mother told me "Remember, son, when one door closes, another one opens."

I said "Mom, it doesn't work that way in jail."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eegeos/at_a_particular_down_point_in_my_life_my_mother/
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Heard about that new band called 1023 MB?

They haven't had any gigs yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeg8ji/heard_about_that_new_band_called_1023_mb/
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A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The logiciam says, "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeg7om/a_logicians_wife_is_having_a_baby_the_doctor/
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There are a number of things I don't know how to do

1st, I don't know how to count.
5th, I can't make a funny joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeg02z/there_are_a_number_of_things_i_dont_know_how_to_do/
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What's that shiny object?

A blonde woman walks into a store and is immediately curious about a shiny object on sale.
She asks the shop assistant, 'What is that?'
The assistant responds, 'It's a thermos.'
The blonde then asks, 'What does it do?'
'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
So the blonde buys one. The next day she brings the thermos to work with her.
Her boss, also a blonde, asks, 'What is the shiny object?'
'It's a thermos.'
'What does it do?'
'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
Her boss then asks, 'What do you have in there?'
The blonde replies, 'Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eefzjz/whats_that_shiny_object/
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Sorry guys, Christmas is canceled.

Mary admitted everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eefsr6/sorry_guys_christmas_is_canceled/
%
If the Pope doesn't feel like going to church...

...does he just send a mass text?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eefe5y/if_the_pope_doesnt_feel_like_going_to_church/
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A man tried to connect to his local bar’s WiFi.

“What’s the password for the WiFi?” The man asked the bartender.
He replied, “Buy a beer to find out.”
The man bought himself a drink and returned to the bartender again. “Now what?”
The bartender shook his head. “The password is buyabeertofindout.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eefb9y/a_man_tried_to_connect_to_his_local_bars_wifi/
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Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise encountered an unknown alien craft

However, they proved to be friendly, and soon a dialog was reached. After discussing quite a few differences in culture, they came to reproduction.
One of the aliens said "Let me demonstrate" and a small swelling appeared on his arm. After a couple of minutes, the swelling became the form of a very small alien, dropped off, and started running around on the floor.
Then he asked "How do you reproduce?" and Kirk was glad to oblige by grabbing Uhura and getting down and dirty right there.
After they finished, the alien was confused.  "Where's the offspring?"
Kirk answers "With any luck, it'll be along in nine months."
The alien is astonished. "Nine months! If it takes nine months, why were you in such a hurry at the end?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eefa5c/captain_kirk_and_the_crew_of_the_enterprise/
%
Monopoly is so unrealistic

Rich people are getting taxed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeezep/monopoly_is_so_unrealistic/
%
Mom why you are white, dad is black but I look asian?

Sweetheart, with all that happen that night is already good enough that you don't bark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeewwx/mom_why_you_are_white_dad_is_black_but_i_look/
%
What did the communist use before they used candles?

electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeewh8/what_did_the_communist_use_before_they_used/
%
2/3 of all impeached presidents were done so for the same reason

for embarrassing Hillary Clinton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeenux/23_of_all_impeached_presidents_were_done_so_for/
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Better be Good

**Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.**
**Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.**
**"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the dad said as he picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her dad asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Dad described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Dad said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.**
**Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.**
**Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Dad (holding in his chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"**
**In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeeiq0/better_be_good/
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Why are snowmen the loneliest creatures on Earth?

They have snow friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eee811/why_are_snowmen_the_loneliest_creatures_on_earth/
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What’s the difference between an evangelist and an atheist?

Atheists don’t fuck kids and lie about believing in God

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eee7w6/whats_the_difference_between_an_evangelist_and_an/
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eee5jj/what_did_yoda_say_when_he_saw_himself_in_4k/
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Sex isn't the answer...

Sex is the question.
Yes is the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eee2p4/sex_isnt_the_answer/
%
How much does it cost to go hunting?

A couple bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eee2cd/how_much_does_it_cost_to_go_hunting/
%
Little Johnny and his Aunt

Little Johnny once walked in on his Aunt while she was naked... he pointed to the patch of hair under her belly button and asked "What's That?"
His Aunt, looking just a bit embarrassed said "Well Johnny, that's where god split me with his golden ax"
To which, Johnny replied "Wow he got ya right in the cunt didn't he"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eee0hu/little_johnny_and_his_aunt/
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What does a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

Both have to smell it; neither get to eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eedzxp/what_does_a_pizza_delivery_guy_and_a_gynecologist/
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Entering Heaven

**Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.**
**"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes**  **Christmas to get into heaven."**
**The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.**
**The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."**
**The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.**
**St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"**
**The man replied, "They're Carol's."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eedyce/entering_heaven/
%
What do you call a midget having an orgasm?

A shortcoming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eedwny/what_do_you_call_a_midget_having_an_orgasm/
%
what rhymes with orange

no it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eedvip/what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
A caveman saw a pterodactyl for the first time.

Caveman : Look at that dino soar!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eedssi/a_caveman_saw_a_pterodactyl_for_the_first_time/
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To my 9 yr old: wow, Altoids were made in the 1700’s.

Her: yeah, I know, they’re all dusty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eedln7/to_my_9_yr_old_wow_altoids_were_made_in_the_1700s/
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People mostly get shocked when they find out....

I'm a bad electrician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eedh90/people_mostly_get_shocked_when_they_find_out/
%
Bartender asks a man "You ever had ann orange in your beer?"

Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eedgd2/bartender_asks_a_man_you_ever_had_ann_orange_in/
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Balls of Age

People who play basketball are 20. People who play baseball are 30. People who play golf are 60. Notice how when u grow older, your balls get smaller?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eecsw7/balls_of_age/
%
Don't worry about your smartphone or computer spying on you...

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eecrel/dont_worry_about_your_smartphone_or_computer/
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It's sad really, Texas has two professional football teams,

But Oklahoma doesn't have any.
I vote we move the Redskins there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eecr6b/its_sad_really_texas_has_two_professional/
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Divorce, custody and Pepsi Cola...

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, he won!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eecozz/divorce_custody_and_pepsi_cola/
%
Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her

“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeckxd/hitler_went_to_a_fortune_teller_and_asked_her/
%
A man asks for the wifi password at a bar

The bartender replies
"Buy a beer first"
So the man orders a beer and asks the bartender again.
He replies:
"Buyabeerfirst"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeck0w/a_man_asks_for_the_wifi_password_at_a_bar/
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If you had to choose one body part to smell . . .

Would you pick your nose ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eech04/if_you_had_to_choose_one_body_part_to_smell/
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My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eecaam/my_teacher_told_me_id_never_be_good_at_poetry/
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In ancient times, an mighty warrior of the Germanic tribes cut a swathe through the Roman Legions.

His name was Dolf, but he was more commonly called by another name, whispered by mothers to their children as a warning - "The Red", owing to the spatters of Roman blood that covered his wolfskin armour after battles.
It was a week before Christmas night that Dolf strode into a small inn, owned by an old ex-centurion and his family. He demanded an ale, and when the barkeeper querulously asked for payment of three copper pieces, Dolf glowered at him and said: "Do you see my wolfskin armour, old man? Do you see the blood spatters on the fur? Do you not know who I am," and glancing at the old Roman armour and sword handing above the fireplace, spat out, "you filthy old centurion?"
The barkeeper's wife, who'd been listening with one ear, looked over at Dolf and said, "You, braggart, are rude, filthy and German. And your 'blood spatters' are just dark patches where the rain has soaked in."
"IT'S NOT RAIN, IT'S BLOOD, YOU ROMAN WITCH!" screamed Dolf, pulling out his sword. He then proceeded to slaughter everyone in the inn, the surrounding villages, and nearby farms. He climbed trees to stab the birds, set cruel traps to maul the animals, and spent three days sifting through the dirt around the inn to find all the insects burrowed there, and squash them with his mighty knuckle.
Finally, when his spate of death was complete, it was Christmas night. He walked over to the now flayed innkeepers wife, who was trussed above the fire. Sticking his bloody face into hers, he said, "Rude Dolf the Red *knows* rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eebwtp/in_ancient_times_an_mighty_warrior_of_the/
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Ludacris's mansion boasts the world's largest sprinkler system. It's so large...

He's got hose in different area codes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eebulu/ludacriss_mansion_boasts_the_worlds_largest/
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What did settlers eat when they headed west?

Oregon Trail Mix.
I hope this joke doesn't die of dysentery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eebq3f/what_did_settlers_eat_when_they_headed_west/
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I took some fiber supplements today

Good shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eebpjc/i_took_some_fiber_supplements_today/
%
Today I heard the one about the hungry clock

It went back four seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eebooe/today_i_heard_the_one_about_the_hungry_clock/
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A Jewish man and a Chinese man were chatting.

The Jewish man commented on what a wise people the Chinese are. "Yes, our culture is over 4,000 years old. But you Jews are a very wise people, too." The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old." The Chinese man couldn't believe it. "That's impossible," he replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"
Happy Chanukah everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eebok2/a_jewish_man_and_a_chinese_man_were_chatting/
%
With the recent cuts to benefits all claims are being investigated, anything suspicious the claiments are invited in to explain.

In Chigwell Essex Tracey had her claim for 13 children flagged as suspicious, she went to the DWP to explain.
Benefits Advisor *“Tracey, I find it hard to believe you have 13 boys all the same name, doesn't it get confusing?”*
Tracey, *“Nah, its well easy, if they're out and I want them back in I shout WAYNE home time, or WAYNE its tea time and the all come running”*
Benefits Advisor *“Ahh I see, but what if you want to speak to them individually”?*
Tracey *“Oh thats even easier, I just shout their last name”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eebhnr/with_the_recent_cuts_to_benefits_all_claims_are/
%
What do you call a boring person from Finland?

A dolphin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eebhav/what_do_you_call_a_boring_person_from_finland/
%
A man with dentures goes to the dentist.

He explains to the dentist that his dentures don't feel right anymore.   The Dentists sits him down, does a brief examination and exclaims, "what in the world?  Your whole partial plate is corroded and like it was eaten away by some chemical. "  The Dentist asks, "are you on a weird diet or something?"  Than man says, "after a recent fancy breakfast, I  have fallen in love with Hollandaise sauce and now, I put it on everything."  The Dentist replies, "ok then, we can fix your dentures but I will have to custom order them to be made out of chrome."  The man says, "chrome?  Why would I want chrome false teeth?"  The Dentist replies, "everyone knows, that there is no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeba46/a_man_with_dentures_goes_to_the_dentist/
%
A Man swapped places with his wife to see what she did all day

A Man was constantly grumbling about how he had to work all day to provide for his family while his wife  stayed home and did nothing.
God offered him a chance to swap places with his wife for a couple of days to see what it's like to be a woman, and he happily agreed.
First day of the swap, he got up, made breakfast, sent the kids to school, did the tidying up and a whole bunch of things that are required for the proper functioning of household.
By night, he was exhausted and couldn't wait to get his life back.
After he woke up the next morning, he begged God to spare him the pain and swap him back to which God replied that it wasn't possible.
"but why?" he asked
God: "Because you're pregnant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeb5rb/a_man_swapped_places_with_his_wife_to_see_what/
%
Who will always be a teenager?

Constantine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeb4xh/who_will_always_be_a_teenager/
%
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?

Do you see what I see?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeb2px/what_christmas_song_do_they_sing_in_the/
%
What do gender and the World Trade Center have in common?

There used to be two, but now it’s an iffy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeb1in/what_do_gender_and_the_world_trade_center_have_in/
%
Three old ladies on a bus bench

Three old ladies are sitting on a bus bench awaiting their bus, when a man in a trench coat runs up in front of them. He whips open his coat. The first old lady has a stroke. The second old lady has a stroke. The third couldn’t reach...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeazi6/three_old_ladies_on_a_bus_bench/
%
I always cook with with vegetable oil.

It was a Wesson I learned long ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeaypf/i_always_cook_with_with_vegetable_oil/
%
I once played a game of gay chicken...

A couple of years ago, I was playing a game of gay chicken with my friend. The point of the game was for two straight guys to pretend to be gay for as long as possible, and whoever chickened out first lost. We were both pretty stubborn, so it wasn't easy. Today, we have been together for 3 and a half years and are thinking of adopting a child.
I'm starting to get worried that he might actually be gay if he doesn't break up with me soon...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeawja/i_once_played_a_game_of_gay_chicken/
%
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeaw18/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
%
I was listening to a podcast

Where the commentator was addressing Vatican officials on the issue of sexual misconduct and he said, “Won’t you please think of the children?”
Well I suppose that’s the problem, isn’t it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eealqa/i_was_listening_to_a_podcast/
%
What are wooden dogs made of?

Bark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeafe3/what_are_wooden_dogs_made_of/
%
Why did Jesus never have to close a door?

Because he was born in a barn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eeabay/why_did_jesus_never_have_to_close_a_door/
%
What do you call Santa’s helpers?

*Subordinate Clauses.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee9jod/what_do_you_call_santas_helpers/
%
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down

mountain climbing with a friend is hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee9e0e/i_finally_cut_ties_with_someone_who_was_dragging/
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After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort.

While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."
"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee99g8/after_many_years_of_hard_work_joe_rewarded/
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Why did the eagle with a cold get arrested?

He was an ill-eagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee8wkd/why_did_the_eagle_with_a_cold_get_arrested/
%
Why was the snowman smiling?

He could see the snowblower coming down the street

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee8ph6/why_was_the_snowman_smiling/
%
Two friends, Tom and Dave, were discussing about the new Spider-man movie...

Dave: “Did u hear that Peter Parker gets arrested in the Netherlands in Spider-man Homecoming?”
Tom: “Really, I thought he got arrested in Australia!”
Dave: “No, Tom, Holland!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee8ow2/two_friends_tom_and_dave_were_discussing_about/
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What is Santa’s favorite metal band?

Sleigh-er.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee8nzu/what_is_santas_favorite_metal_band/
%
A boy asks his dad to explain the solar eclipse,

His father replies,
‘No son’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee8nuk/a_boy_asks_his_dad_to_explain_the_solar_eclipse/
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Did You Ever Hear About Christopher, The Brown-Nosed Reindeer?

He could run just as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as quick...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee8mvk/did_you_ever_hear_about_christopher_the/
%
Why did Santa go to the liquor store?

He was looking for the holiday spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee8mdq/why_did_santa_go_to_the_liquor_store/
%
Being Colombian is hard.

If I got a 1$ Every time someone thought I was selling drugs, I’d be so rich, I wouldn’t have to sell drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee8g7q/being_colombian_is_hard/
%
What language does a male barista speak?

Hebrew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee8a4d/what_language_does_a_male_barista_speak/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee89q4/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
My Wife and I must be getting older. The meaning of 69 has changed ...

Now we just lay on the bed and tie each others shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee898b/my_wife_and_i_must_be_getting_older_the_meaning/
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Despite black people making up only 13% of the population, they make up 50% of...

Captain Americas ^in ^the ^mcu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee88mr/despite_black_people_making_up_only_13_of_the/
%
Communist jokes aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee82mt/communist_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Helium walks into a bar.

The bartender stops him in advance, "We don't serve noble gases around here."
Helium doesn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee7xvc/helium_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
Using a knife,he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
By using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
He threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
He touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last came a sailor, a dirty little runt,
He sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee7te3/the_creation_of_a_pussy/
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Why did Logan Paul not give rice gum a hi five?

Because he likes to leave asians hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee7t49/why_did_logan_paul_not_give_rice_gum_a_hi_five/
%
What is the difference between Boy Scouts and Jews?

The Boy Scouts came home from camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee7qrs/what_is_the_difference_between_boy_scouts_and_jews/
%
I just watched A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart.

What he’s doing round my house I don’t know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee76z5/i_just_watched_a_christmas_carol_with_patrick/
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Redditors: please be careful this holiday season

Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots ... I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: *I took a cab*. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved me through. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab home before. I don’t even know where I got it from, and now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee73l8/redditors_please_be_careful_this_holiday_season/
%
My ex-gf didn't believe in sex before marriage but my wife is different

, she doesn't believe in sex after marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee71fe/my_exgf_didnt_believe_in_sex_before_marriage_but/
%
A man moves in with his girlfriend.

Everything is going great in the relationship except she has this mean cat that always hisses at the dude and sometimes pisses on his clothes. He decides to secretly do something about it.
One day when she is at work, he puts the cat in his car and drives to the next town and tosses the cat out. When he gets home, his girlfriend is just getting home from work. As she opens the door, the man is shocked to see the cat walk over and greet her. It growls and gives the man a dirty look and he thinks to himself “what the fuck?”
A couple days later, while his girlfriend is at work, the dude puts the cat in his car and drives two hours to the state line. He tossed the cat out and drives home.  By the time he gets home, his girlfriend is already home from work and is sitting on the couch watching TV. The cat is sitting on her lap! It hisses and gives the man a dirty look.
A few days later while his girlfriend is at work, he puts the cat in his car and drives for 4 hours before getting off the highway. He goes under a bridge, across a river, through a city, across some train tracks, and winds up deep in a state park. Nothing but woods for miles. He tosses the cat out and drives away.
Hours later, When the woman gets home from work, the phone rings. She answer it and her boyfriend is on the other end. He asks “hey is the cat there?” She replies “yeah he’s right here, why?”
The man asks “can you put him on the phone please? I’m lost and need directions.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee6xme/a_man_moves_in_with_his_girlfriend/
%
A man suspected his wife of cheating on him. (A long one, but a good one)

He suspected his wife was having an affair and cheating on him during her lunch hour at work. One day, he decided to leave work at lunchtime to try and catch her in the act. When he arrives at his  apartment he yells out “honey! Are you here? I thought we could have lunch together!” Sure enough, the wife was at the apartment and in the middle of having sex with her lover. She tells her lover that he has to hide quickly and so he does. The husband walks into the bedroom moments later to find his wife naked in bed. He exclaims “god dammit! I knew it! I knew you were cheating on me! Where is he? Where is this son of a bitch?” The wife cries and is adamant that she is not cheating on her husband, but the husband doesn’t believe her and begins tearing the apartment apart, trying to find the son of a bitch sleeping with his wife.
Eventually, the husband has wrecked the apartment. He’s looked everywhere, in every closet, under every bed. There’s no one there. He was so sure, but his wife keeps telling him over and over that he’s crazy and that she’s not having an affair. Finally, the man starts to cool off and decides to go onto the balcony for a smoke. As he’s lighting up his cigarette, he sees two sets of fingers hanging onto the edge of his balcony. He looks over the railing and sees a man hanging to the side of his balcony. He yells “god dammit it! I knew it! You son of a bitch! You’re sleeping with my wife!” The man yells, begging the husband to help him and save his life. The man says he doesn’t know his wife and that he’s not sleeping with her. The husband doesn’t believe him and starts stomping on the man’s fingers, trying to get the man to let go and fall to his death. After several unsuccessful tries, the husband is so frustrated. He goes back into the apartment and unplugs his refrigerator and in a hot rage pushes it over the edge of the edge of balcony, ultimately pushing the man and himself to their deaths.
Earlier that day in Heaven, God came up to the angel guarding the gates of Heaven and explained “so we are a bit backed up today. Don’t let anyone into Heaven unless they’ve had a really, really bad day. Got it?” The angel agrees and proceeds to ask all newcomers about how they ended up in Heaven. Eventually, the husband is greeted by the angel and the angel explains “Heaven is very backed up today, we are only allowing those in who have had a really bad day. So, how did you get here?”
The husband says “I suspected my wife of cheating on me so I came home to find her naked. Initially, I could find no man in my apartment, but eventually I found the son of a bitch hanging to the side of my balcony! While trying to push him off I accidently killed myself.”
The angel feels bad for the husband and allows him to enter Heaven. Next, another man approaches the angel and the angel tells him to explain how he got to Heaven.
“Well” says the man, “I was doing yoga on my balcony, and I live on the 10th story of an apartment building, you know, when all of a sudden I stretched too much and accidently fell over the balcony! Luckily, though, I was able to grab hold of the balcony below mine, but then this maniac appeared, accusing me of sleeping with his wife and threw me off the balcony with a refrigerator! He killed us both!”
The angel, a bit skeptical, allows the second man into Heaven. Afterwards, he is greeted by a third man. The angel tells the man to tell him how he got into heaven.
The man replies, “I don’t know, man. I was sleeping with some dude’s wife and he came home so I hid in the refrigerator and then I died.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee6us8/a_man_suspected_his_wife_of_cheating_on_him_a/
%
Three guys are drinking in a bar

when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee6rep/three_guys_are_drinking_in_a_bar/
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I only drink alcohol on days that start with a "T"

Today and tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee6por/i_only_drink_alcohol_on_days_that_start_with_a_t/
%
How can you distinguish between a hospital and a military base?

Frankly I'm not sure - I'm just a drone pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee6mdc/how_can_you_distinguish_between_a_hospital_and_a/
%
What do you call a person who breaks into a house, steals food and drinks, and leaves in a getaway vehicle?

Santa Claus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee6cr2/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_breaks_into_a_house/
%
The gynecologist who became a mechanic:

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee68i8/the_gynecologist_who_became_a_mechanic/
%
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU...

That you read the first bit wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee656h/what_i_if_told_you/
%
Two economists are walking through the woods and walk past a pile of bear shit.

The First Economist says to the Second Economist, "I'll pay you $100 to eat that pile of bear shit". The Second economist does and they continue their walk. They walk past another pile of bear shit and the Second Economist says to the First Economist, "I'll pay you $100 to eat that pile of bear shit". The First Economist does and they continue their walk. The First Economist then says, "I cannot help to think we both just ate bear shit for nothing". The Second Economist replies, "well not quite nothing, we did cause the GDP to grow by $200".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee6486/two_economists_are_walking_through_the_woods_and/
%
This is the first mistake everybody is going to make in 2019



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee63un/this_is_the_first_mistake_everybody_is_going_to/
%
A man asked his wife how much longer is she going to take to get ready.

His wife said, "For the love of God, I said 5 minutes. Do you actually have to make me repeat myself every 20 minutes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee62uf/a_man_asked_his_wife_how_much_longer_is_she_going/
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My mate Dave’s always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem like he’s got a care in the world.

“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him.
“I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “Only costs me a grand a week.”
“A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked.
“Fuck knows. That’s his problem.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee628m/my_mate_daves_always_been_the_kind_of_bloke_that/
%
I spent $80 on a belt that didn't fit...

My wife said it was a huge waist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee623a/i_spent_80_on_a_belt_that_didnt_fit/
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I’m going to the theatre for a performance about puns

It’s a play on words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee60yw/im_going_to_the_theatre_for_a_performance_about/
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Did you hear about the maple syrup company that went out of business?

Those poor saps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee5z66/did_you_hear_about_the_maple_syrup_company_that/
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If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..

I would have $6.38.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee5vpr/if_i_had_50_cents_for_everytime_i_failed_a_math/
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Elderly Lady at the Bank

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee5vl6/elderly_lady_at_the_bank/
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My girlfriend left me because I'm not observant enough.

I never even knew I had a girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee5v2a/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_im_not_observant/
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City slicker rides a horse

A city slicker goes out to the country wanting to have a horse ride. He has no experience so asks for a well trained horse.  He is given a horse with the following instructions: the make the horse walk say "phew", to make it run say "yeah" and to make it stop, say "stop".  Sounding easy the man says "phew" and heads off on the horse. After a short time feeling confident he call out "yeah" and the horse starts to run. Enjoying himself he yells out "yeah" several times. With the horse racing along he realizes he is approaching a cliff. In a panic forgetting how to stop he calls out "woah" but to no avail. Finally he calls to the heavens "please make this horse stop". The horse stops right on the edge of the cliff.  Relieved the man wipes his brow... "Phew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee5r2w/city_slicker_rides_a_horse/
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I hate when women state that men can't multitask

And then I stop what I'm doing so I can get angry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee5qbz/i_hate_when_women_state_that_men_cant_multitask/
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I've been trying to make a joke about 9/11

But it never seems to land
So I'm trying it a second time it might have a better impact

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee5k95/ive_been_trying_to_make_a_joke_about_911/
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What do you call some almonds having consensual sex?

Fucking nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee5dtd/what_do_you_call_some_almonds_having_consensual/
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My wife: Why don’t you write a book instead of your terrible word play jokes?

Me: That’s ......a novel idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee56ec/my_wife_why_dont_you_write_a_book_instead_of_your/
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My IQ dropped from 70 to 42. I was worried. Then I checked again, it was 110. I was shocked, I checked again to find it was 150. I rushed to the doctor.

She told me it's my pulse and not my IQ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee553l/my_iq_dropped_from_70_to_42_i_was_worried_then_i/
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What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee51vp/what_kind_of_motorbike_does_santa_ride/
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Stolen Tires

Where I live there was a man who stole tires off police cars. No one knew who he was or why he did it and it took a long time for the police to finally catch him.
It took months of working tirelessly to stop him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee50r3/stolen_tires/
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Every time someone asks me if I'm salty?

Na...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee4t9a/every_time_someone_asks_me_if_im_salty/
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Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs

I keep all the results on a spreadsheet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee4s99/every_time_i_get_a_new_girlfriend_i_measure_how/
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Texas Chili Cookoff

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: *"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,*
*and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting - So I accepted."*
Here are the scorecards from the event:
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive!
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 8 - Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Frank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: (Not available for comment.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee4n2o/texas_chili_cookoff/
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A teacher asked her kids...

a polite way to say I need to use the bathroom on a date. The first child said “I need to use the bathroom.” To which the teacher replied “That could be better,” The second kid spoke and said, “Excuse me, I need to use the restroom.” The teacher said that was better but could still be improved. Johnny spoke up and said “Ma’am, will you excuse me, I need to shake hands with a dear friend of fine who  I’m hoping you can meet after dinner.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee443v/a_teacher_asked_her_kids/
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"Would you circumcise my son?"

Rabbi: "How old is he?"
"Five."
Rabbi: "Are you kidding? That's way past the usual cut off date."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee42i8/would_you_circumcise_my_son/
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Somewhere in Siberia

Note: translated from another language(dirty)
Long
Siberia, it's super cold,freezing, a man is crawling, struggling hard, he's on a verge of death. Suddenly he sees a light not far out. Using his last bit of strength he reaches a small house. Knocks on a door. No answer. He opens the door, seeing nice fireplace and a family sitting next to a table having dinner. Husband, wife and their daughter in her 18s. He asks:Good evening,would you mind if I warm up next  to your fireplace? I am freezing. No answer. So he sits next to the fireplace, warming up. He looks around, seeing lots of food on the table. Asks:would you mind good people if I have a bite with you?I am starving. No answer.So he digs in. Soon after full from such a lovely meal he sees lots of drink on the table. Vodka,wine, you name it. Asks:would you mind if I have a drink with you?I am thirsty. No answer. So he starts to drink.He gets super drunk. Looking at the daughter he says:yo girl, you are so hot, what would you says if we fool around a bit? No one says anything. So he fucks the daughter. Moments  later, still horny he looks at the wife and says :yo mamma, you aren't looking bad either, would you wanna have a good fuck? No reply whatsoever. So he fucks the wife.Not entirely satisfied, looks at the husband:yo bro,how about.. The husband stops him:Not me, not me!!! Suddenly the wife and daughter shout :You lost! Take out the trash!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee3mhv/somewhere_in_siberia/
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No beer in Heaven

Old Lenard had passed away and was being buried. Just as the coffin was being lowered into the ground a friend tossed a handful of coins into the hole. The priest had never seen this before. After the ceremony he asked the man what the meaning was, throwing money onto the coffin. – Oh, it's just so he can get a few beers when he arrives, answered the friend. – But there's no beer where he's going, the priest argued. – Well, then Lenard won't be there long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee3m8v/no_beer_in_heaven/
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A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert

They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese.
"Fuck, I missed!"
"Do not use that word, child, for God will smite you"
They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing.
"Fuck, I missed"
"Do not use that word, child, for God will smite you"
Same thing happens a third time.
Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says:
"Fuck, I missed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee3e7z/a_priest_and_a_cowboy_are_walking_in_the_desert/
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Don't ever tapp my shoulder

A man took a taxi home from work one day. During the ride he tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver panicked and the car swirled unto the curb and almost crashed through a store window.
\- Don’t ever do that! The driver shouted.
\- I'm sorry, said the man, still very confused over what just happened.
After a while the driver said – You see it's my first day on the job. I used to be a hearse driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee3czw/dont_ever_tapp_my_shoulder/
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A priest sits next to a well dressed woman on the plane.

Woman: Father could I ask a favor of you?
Priest: Certainly.
Woman: I bought a hairdryer for my mother but I am afraid that my purse is becoming too heavy and that airport security will confiscate it when we land. Could you hide it underneath your robes?
Priest: Very well, but I'm afraid I cannot lie for you. If they ask me I will tell them that I have it.
The plane landed and airport security stops the priest.
Customs Person: Do you've anything to declare?
Priest: Nothing above my hips.
Customs Person, now becoming suspicious: What about below your hips?
Priest: Ah, well I've this uhm.. Implement. It is intended for women but still unused. Would you like to see it?
Customs: Next!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee3csr/a_priest_sits_next_to_a_well_dressed_woman_on_the/
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He just stares

A young, fit looking Woman, is walking past a Pet Shop where she notices a Sign in the window :-
"Good home needed for Clitoris-Licking Frog."
The woman goes inside and says to the Shopkeeper,
"I noticed you have a Clitoris-Licking Frog? I'll take one."
He packages up a Frog.
The woman sneaks out the door and rushes home. She gets home... takes out the instructions and reads them carefully doing exactly what it says to do....
Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.
Put on a very sexy Nightie.
Get into Bed, spread your Legs and put the Frog. Down "THERE"
To her surprise, Nothing Happens.
So, she thought, perhaps the Scent she chose is not appealing to the Frog... So, she showers again... and tries another Perfume.
She gets back into Bed, puts the Frog between her Legs and again,
NOTHING.
She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked.
At the bottom of the paper it says... If you have any problems or questions, please call the Pet Store.
So, she does.
The man behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over to check out the problem"…???
A few minutes later he knocks on the door. He enters and says, "You'll have to show me exactly what you did"..??
She does.
She showers, puts on the Perfume and the Nightie, gets into Bed... and puts the Frog between her Legs.
NOTHING HAPPENS.
She says, "see, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man looking very concerned, picks up the Frog, looks directly into its Eyes and says,
"RIGHT.. I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS. ONE MORE TIME"..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee3as3/he_just_stares/
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There are two types of people in this world

1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee399p/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Shut up you idiot

An unemployed man was offered a job at the zoo. Their old gorilla had passed away and they could not replace it. The job was to dress up like a gorilla and entertain the visitors. He agreed and started work immediately. He climbed trees, ate bananas and scratched his belly, all to the amusement of people pointing and laughing at him.
One day while climbing he slipped and fell right into the lion's den. An old lion got up and started moving towards the confused man. He panicked and started yelling for help. The lion came right up to him and said - Shut up you idiot, you'll get us both fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee33tp/shut_up_you_idiot/
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When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while...

Then I remembered...
Me and my wife have different dentists…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee3136/when_my_dentist_reminded_me_about_my_wifes/
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The golfer rewarded himself with new pants..

.. after he got a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee30nq/the_golfer_rewarded_himself_with_new_pants/
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I once heard a terrible joke about Amazon

It was ruined by the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee2u32/i_once_heard_a_terrible_joke_about_amazon/
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Just found out "cock fighting" is done with chickens...

12 months of training wasted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee2os3/just_found_out_cock_fighting_is_done_with_chickens/
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Being a Genie is so much fun.

Last week a kid wished his pets could live as long as him.
So I made his parents anti-vaxxers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee2jex/being_a_genie_is_so_much_fun/
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Man comes home from work and yells up the stairs: "Pack your bags, I just won the lottery!"

Wife answers "Ooh, wonderful! Should I pack for the mountains or pack for the beach?"
He replies "I don't care, just get the hell out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee2j4s/man_comes_home_from_work_and_yells_up_the_stairs/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee2f4n/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_is/
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Soap Dispenser

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood... sure enough he drops the second bar of Soap.
The third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells!
"Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee2d27/soap_dispenser/
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Which weighs more, water or butane?

Water, because butane is a lighter fluid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee2942/which_weighs_more_water_or_butane/
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It's Not My Fault I have a double Chin

When God said he was handing out Chins, I thought he said "gins" and I said I'd have a double.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee27gr/its_not_my_fault_i_have_a_double_chin/
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One day...

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, 'If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, 'If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, 'What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!'
The kid smiles and says, 'I would be a bus driver!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee26ud/one_day/
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Happy moment

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee1zm9/happy_moment/
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Little Johnny was annoying his mom so she sent him to the next house over where they were building a new house.

She said, “Johnny go watch the men working and come back and tell me what you learned.”
So Johnny went and watched the construction workers work all day and then he came home. Johnny’s mom asked him what he learned and he told her he learned how to put up a door. She asked him to tell her how and he said....
“First you throw that son of a bitch up and of course the god damn architect didn’t size the frame right.  So you shave off a cunt hair on the left and a cunt hair on the bottom and BAM it fits in like a whore in a brothel.”
His mom proceeded to lose her mind and then sent him to his room to wait until his dad came home.  His dad came home and asked Johnny what happened. Johnny explained to his dad that his mom sent him to the construction site and asked what he learned. Johnny’s dad asked what he learned and Johnny said he learned to put up a door. Perplexed, Johnny’s dad asked how you put up a door. Johnny said...
“First you throw that son of a bitch up and of course the god damn architect didn’t size the frame right.  So you shave off a cunt hair on the left and a cunt hair on the bottom and BAM it fits in like a whore in a brothel.”
Johnny’s dad immediately lost his mind and said, “Johnny go out back and get me a switch!”
Johnny replied, “Fuck you!  That’s the electrician’s job!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee1o9m/little_johnny_was_annoying_his_mom_so_she_sent/
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What do you call a transgender wolverine?

An eX-man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee1kom/what_do_you_call_a_transgender_wolverine/
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What do trump and bowser have in common?

They’re both impeach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee1hpa/what_do_trump_and_bowser_have_in_common/
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They say everything looks bigger when you're a kid...

I knew my uncle's dick wasn't that huge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee1gmk/they_say_everything_looks_bigger_when_youre_a_kid/
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Some are heterosexual, some are homosexual, some are bi sexual but i am try-sexual

I’ve been trying my entire life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee1ao8/some_are_heterosexual_some_are_homosexual_some/
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Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!
Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?
Man: Yes.
Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?
Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.
Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked.
Man: How much?
Woman: $90,000
Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options.
Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it.
Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want.
Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much!
Man: Bye, I love you too.
The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee113x/several_men_were_in_the_locker_room_of_the_gym/
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A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. “You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee0yv2/a_mathematician_wanders_back_home_at_3_am_and/
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Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?

A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee0ygy/q_how_do_mathematicians_scold_their_children/
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What do you call eating ass while you're both drunk?

Getting shitfaced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee0xfw/what_do_you_call_eating_ass_while_youre_both_drunk/
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The Girlfriend of Nightmares

So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself.
Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?"
And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel.
So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh... No thanks, I'm good."
"Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out."
So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this."
So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner."
So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick.
A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it."
So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever.
So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream.
So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me."
I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well...alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow
So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again."
"Wait, what? Why not? What happened?"
"Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me."
"I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person"
"She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me."
"I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow."
I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on.
So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up.
Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her.
Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE.
And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee0tf0/the_girlfriend_of_nightmares/
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“Jesus loves you” is a beautiful thing to hear at church.

But a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee0sxq/jesus_loves_you_is_a_beautiful_thing_to_hear_at/
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A cheetah and a lion are racing...

The cheetah wins...
The lion says, "You a cheetah!"
The cheetah replies, "Nah, you a lion!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee0ijb/a_cheetah_and_a_lion_are_racing/
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What do you call a dildo made out of wood?

A Wood Pecker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee0d97/what_do_you_call_a_dildo_made_out_of_wood/
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5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date, today I asked her to marry me.

She said "no", both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee08aw/5_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_on_a/
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Why is a sketchy Tinder date like a fire?

They both start with a match and end with a burning sensation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ee01tl/why_is_a_sketchy_tinder_date_like_a_fire/
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Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edzyv3/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_dipped_his_balls/
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Does all this rain make you want an ark?

I Noah guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edzr72/does_all_this_rain_make_you_want_an_ark/
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What do you call a headcount of the prison population?

A consensus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edzobo/what_do_you_call_a_headcount_of_the_prison/
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I used to be a guy stuck in a girl’s body

Then I pulled out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edzn98/i_used_to_be_a_guy_stuck_in_a_girls_body/
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The Male Anatomy

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady  luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead  over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately,  time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.  Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was  nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win  tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to  sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax,  honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten  minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started  heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a  little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited  impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger  returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to  get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK.  The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'  And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " Shortly after  that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at  ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the  morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the  quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied  groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the  morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane  replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set  of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she  could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness  running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after  reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and  asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edzmou/the_male_anatomy/
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What is a pirate's favorite letter?

Your download is starting...
Click here if it doesn't start automatically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edzjql/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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How to be a macho mouse

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other.  The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around  the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like  candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you  know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get  on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when  the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with  it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice,  and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the  cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edzhjx/how_to_be_a_macho_mouse/
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I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edzher/i_remember_being_a_kid_and_my_parents_filling_my/
%
When I'm bored I like to sprinkle dried herbs into my palms

I have way too much thyme on my hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edzcnd/when_im_bored_i_like_to_sprinkle_dried_herbs_into/
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I've started drinking brake fluid from people's cars

But don't worry, I can stop whenever I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edz6os/ive_started_drinking_brake_fluid_from_peoples_cars/
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Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true
These  were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the  actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great  sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid  questions!)
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q:  Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a  list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A:  It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of  Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edz6d4/everything_you_need_to_know_about_australia/
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The West Indies

"My wife's gone to the West Indies."
"Jamaica?"
"No, she went of her own free will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edz29z/the_west_indies/
%
My maths teacher called me average...

How mean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edyxcb/my_maths_teacher_called_me_average/
%
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”
She said, “You pick.”
I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”
She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edytg3/yesterday_a_beautiful_girl_asked_me_if_i_wanted/
%
Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?

Because they're all Targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edyqp2/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_iraq/
%
Famous Quote: "I just want people to remember my name."

\- Anonymous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edyg5h/famous_quote_i_just_want_people_to_remember_my/
%
A texas woman chokes on some food.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edyawv/a_texas_woman_chokes_on_some_food/
%
Want to hear a memory joke?

Great!  Remind me in fifteen minutes and I’ll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edy9fg/want_to_hear_a_memory_joke/
%
My wife left me last week

She said I never listened to her, or something like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edy0jo/my_wife_left_me_last_week/
%
What do you call a fatal Viagra overdose?

Die Hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edxw7i/what_do_you_call_a_fatal_viagra_overdose/
%
A while ago my dad was playing football with a dwarf

Long story short my dads in jail for assult

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edxtlu/a_while_ago_my_dad_was_playing_football_with_a/
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If you believe in telekinesis

Please raise my hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edxn3k/if_you_believe_in_telekinesis/
%
What is your superpower?

-what is your superpower?
•"Hindsight"
-That wouldn't help much
•"yes, I see that now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edxk9l/what_is_your_superpower/
%
A boxer walks into a gym...

It’s particularly crowded, and there are long lines of people waiting to use the equipment.
First, he waits in the pull-up bar line, and does 25 pull-ups.
Next, he waits in the weightlifting line, and does 50 bench presses.
After that, the boxer looks around for the punching bag, but can’t find it anywhere.
After walking around the gym for about twenty minutes, he finally comes to the conclusion that there is no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edxivk/a_boxer_walks_into_a_gym/
%
My dick is like my CVS receipt...

...full of STD meds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edxbou/my_dick_is_like_my_cvs_receipt/
%
Chewbacca was young and playing in a sports team, but he wasn't doing all that well...

He's still a Wookie after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edx6sg/chewbacca_was_young_and_playing_in_a_sports_team/
%
Why should you make sure your Viagra is from the United States?

You don’t want Russians meddling with your erections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edx63c/why_should_you_make_sure_your_viagra_is_from_the/
%
Of revenge is sweet, and revenge is a dish best served cold...

Is revenge ice cream?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edx4ob/of_revenge_is_sweet_and_revenge_is_a_dish_best/
%
I want to argue with flat earthers but...

I just feel like we're not on a level playing field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edx1p1/i_want_to_argue_with_flat_earthers_but/
%
TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than Mount Everest

In retrospect, this was pretty obvious considering that Mt. Everest can't fly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edwop3/til_bumblebees_can_fly_higher_than_mount_everest/
%
Never trust an atom..

...they make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edwon8/never_trust_an_atom/
%
Ten bad Reddit jokes are on a bus...

The bus goes careening off of a cliff, rolls down an embankment and bursts in to flames at the bottom. When rescue crews arrive, they heroically save nine of the jokes. Unfortunately, there was one pun in ten dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edwl6a/ten_bad_reddit_jokes_are_on_a_bus/
%
Why did the console gamer cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edwg72/why_did_the_console_gamer_cross_the_road/
%
A viagra overdose

Must be a hard way to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edwcm5/a_viagra_overdose/
%
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edwbim/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He flushed the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edw2tn/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
Why don’t cows get pedicures?

Because they lack toes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edw1uv/why_dont_cows_get_pedicures/
%
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edvugu/a_group_of_kindergartners_were_trying_to_become/
%
HUSBAND: (watching a video) Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes! No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!

WIFE: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?
HUSBAND: Our wedding ceremony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edvphh/husband_watching_a_video_dont_do_it_i_swear_you/
%
What do you call an apartment for lease during christmas time?

For Lease Navidad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edv9i7/what_do_you_call_an_apartment_for_lease_during/
%
Hide-and-Seek games aren't fun any more

It is too hard to find good players.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edv5ue/hideandseek_games_arent_fun_any_more/
%
Girlfriend walks into tk max halfway through the night out. She says....

I won't be long, I promise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edv3x3/girlfriend_walks_into_tk_max_halfway_through_the/
%
What do you call a russian lego?

The Soviet Bloc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edv1bc/what_do_you_call_a_russian_lego/
%
What goes Ha Ha Plop Plop?

A lepper laughing his balls off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eduup2/what_goes_ha_ha_plop_plop/
%
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon

I'll let you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edur70/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_on_amazon/
%
An American sergeant is talking to an Australian trooper

The American yells: "Did you come here to die?!"
The Australian replies: "No, I came here yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eduivw/an_american_sergeant_is_talking_to_an_australian/
%
Why did the manager fire the corn?

Cause he was sleeping on the cob!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eduisz/why_did_the_manager_fire_the_corn/
%
Man walks into a bank asking for an Interest-Free Checking account

"Who cares?" the receptionist says and sighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edua5o/man_walks_into_a_bank_asking_for_an_interestfree/
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The Smith family name gets its origin from a line of blacksmiths. The Cobbler family name get its origin from a line of shoe repairmen.

What the hell was going on with the Dickinson family?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edu3lq/the_smith_family_name_gets_its_origin_from_a_line/
%
Where does Santa store his suit?

Is the Santa Clauset.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edu10o/where_does_santa_store_his_suit/
%
What do we want? Airplane noises! When do we want them?

Neeeeeooooooooooowwwwwwww!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edtss9/what_do_we_want_airplane_noises_when_do_we_want/
%
What do you call a guy who hangs around musicians all the time?

The drummer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edtgi5/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_hangs_around_musicians/
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What did Lady Macbeth say to her dog?

Out, damned Spot! Out, I say!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edt8x7/what_did_lady_macbeth_say_to_her_dog/
%
I dont care if the N word offends, pisses of or hurts anyones feelings, im gonna say it anyways

Nickleback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edt85s/i_dont_care_if_the_n_word_offends_pisses_of_or/
%
How does Moses make his tea

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edt692/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
%
I met a girl with 12 nipples today

Sounds crazy dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edt129/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples_today/
%
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost.

It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could
forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines
covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the
area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone
is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down
to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks
and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would
be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house
for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one
condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I
promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way
tomorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give
you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought
to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her
life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he
saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and
while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months
without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk
besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off
each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a
time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to
his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests
would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He
opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock
was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your
chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and
walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.
On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese
torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps
out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying
"3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edsxio/a_man_is_out_in_the_chinese_wilderness_and_hes/
%
My dad and my girlfriend have the same birthday and I don't know which one to go to

One took my virginity and the other is my girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edsx34/my_dad_and_my_girlfriend_have_the_same_birthday/
%
Why do programmers need glasses?

So they can see sharp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edswhw/why_do_programmers_need_glasses/
%
Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edsvuk/justice_is_best_served_cold/
%
3 nuns went to a village and stayed a night at a lodging house.

Because it was a small lodging house, there was only one pool where people took a
bath. So the owner told the nuns to take their bath first, then it would be
his turn. But at that time they were busy praying to God, and didn't hear
anything the owner said.
An hour later, the owner thought that it was his time to use the pool, and
he finally jumped into the pool taking a bath. At the same time, those nuns
had finished with their prayer and wanted to take a bath too, so they went
to thol singing.
Hearing someone sing a song and approaching the pool, the man immedietly
jumped out of the pool trying to get his clothes on, but it was too
late...
There were the 3 nuns, taking their clothes off. So he stood still like a
statue with the soap in the right hand and the toothpaste in the left hand.
Of course seeing a naked women gave him an erection. The nuns were
surprised seeing the "statue", because they had never seen a naked man
before, they didn't know what a "penis" was and accidentally one of the
nuns stroked it hard, the man was quite surprised and dropped the soap.
That nun was glad and said to her friends "Hey, I get a soap by stroking
this shaft", The second nun tried stroking again and at last, the man drop
his toothpaste. and she said "Hey, I get a toothpaste"
The third nun then tried just like her other friends, but the man could
never take it anymore and had one hell of an orgasm. Said the third nun
"Hey, look here girls, I got shampoo".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edsuqn/3_nuns_went_to_a_village_and_stayed_a_night_at_a/
%
Everyone knows the story of the three little pigs... here's another version:

The first little pig was playing in the forest, when the big bad wolf
spotted him and chased him back to his straw house. The pig hid inside,
peeking out at the wolf, who looked at the house, laughed, then huffed
and puffed and blew the house down. The pig, scared witless, ran
squealing off to his brother's house, where they both ran inside and
locked the wooden door. The wolf, laughing at all the fun he was having,
strolled up and checked out the house. "Hmmm..." thought the wolf. He
huffed and puffed, and took two tries to finally blow the wood house
down. The pigs, of course, slipped out the back door and ran for the
oldest brother's brick house as fast as they could. The wolf, laughing
at all the fun, followed. At the third house, the two younger pigs
looked out the window, terrorized as the wolf strode into view, while
the older brother calmly watched from a rocking chair. The wolf looked
all over the house, but didn't think he could blow down the house, so he
left and returned shortly with dynamite, which he started planting all
around the walls. "Ahhhh!!! We're going to die!" screamed the two
younger pigs. "Don't worry about it..." said the oldest pig as he picked
up the phone and dialed. "Yeah, it's me... uh huh... yeah...ok." The
oldest pig hung up the phone and turned to the two younger pigs. "Don't
worry about it, watch." The three pigs looked out the window at the
wolf, who was just setting the last of the fuses, when all of a sudden a
black cadillac comes screeching up, and two pigs in fedora hats with
black overcoats jump out, whipping out machine guns and blasting the
hell out of the wolf. With a wave at the house, they leave. The two
younger pigs turn to the older brother and say "Who the hell was that?"
The older pig looks at them, grins, and says "Those were the guinea
pigs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edsu2z/everyone_knows_the_story_of_the_three_little_pigs/
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In China, film makers have to appease the Chinese censors, but people forget in America we have the same thing...

We also have to appease the Chinese censors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edsrfr/in_china_film_makers_have_to_appease_the_chinese/
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A measuring cup got sent to prison

He was found guilty in the quart of law for litering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edsr8b/a_measuring_cup_got_sent_to_prison/
%
My girlfriend accused me of gaslighting her.

I told her she's crazy, there's no such thing as gaslighting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edslab/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_gaslighting_her/
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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.
This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edskh5/in_1986_peter_davies_was_on_holiday_in_kenya/
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When I was digging a hole in a yard I found a treassure full of gold

I ran home with excitement to tell my wife what I found. That was when I realized why I was digging that hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edsim3/when_i_was_digging_a_hole_in_a_yard_i_found_a/
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Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edsc1e/billie_eilish_is_officially_18_now_do_you_know/
%
I hate people who confuse "you're" and "your"

Their so dumb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edsasz/i_hate_people_who_confuse_youre_and_your/
%
Why did Mrs Claus divorce Santa?

Because of the *ho ho hoes*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eds8t9/why_did_mrs_claus_divorce_santa/
%
I hate phone sex

Once the phone is in, you can't even hear what the other person is saying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eds1zv/i_hate_phone_sex/
%
Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eds1c3/why_are_dogs_afraid_to_go_to_space/
%
My wife just sent me this text: "Thespacebaronmykeyboardstoppedworking.canyoupleasegivemeanalternativewhenyougethometonight?"

Pretty excited... but does anyone know what "ternative" means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edry0q/my_wife_just_sent_me_this_text/
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Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edrwxl/took_my_car_to_the_mechanic_because_it_was_making/
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A man walks into a grocery store.

After getting all his groceries, he sees something interesting at the check-out counter. Not knowing what it is, he asks a worker. The worker replies, “Why, that’s a thermos! It keeps your hot stuff hot, and your cold stuff cold!” Intrigued, the man decides to buy it. He picks out a lovely blue one and plops it down on the check-out conveyer belt. The worker assured him that he will like his purchase, and the man agrees. After all, he often has hot stuff he would like to keep hot and cold stuff he would like to stay cold, who doesn’t? The man promptly leaves the grocery store, and the worker forgets all about the experience. He knew it was a great thermos and was sure the man would enjoy it. However, a few days later the same man storms in. He looks extremely angry and demands to see the worker who sold him the thermos. Upon seeing the worker, the man opens his thermos and flings its contents at him. The worker, now sticky and covered with popsicle sticks, is very confused. He asks the man, “What is this about? Why did you do that?” The man replies, “You lied about the thermos! It doesn’t work at all!” The worker, knowing that the thermos does work and is extremely high quality, asks, “What do you mean? How did it not work?” The man replies, “Well you said that it keeps the hot stuff hot and the cold stuff cold, right? Well then explain to me why when I got to work my coffee was lukewarm and my ice cream bars were gone!”
My Pakistani uncle told me this joke and it made me laugh. Hopefully you guys can get a kick out of it as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edrwqe/a_man_walks_into_a_grocery_store/
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My girlfriend screams really loudly during sex

I don't know why, she knows no-one will come to help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edrh0t/my_girlfriend_screams_really_loudly_during_sex/
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We don't serve pandas in here...

A panda walked into a restaurant and ordered a meal. After the panda ate, he shot the waiter and left. They called the police and the cop said, “I guess the waiter hadn’t looked up the definition of a panda”. The restaurant owner looked up the definition and it said “panda, an animal that eats shoots and leaves”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edrcok/we_dont_serve_pandas_in_here/
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Doctor: During surgery, we accidentally amputated your genitals.

Patient: WTF!
Doctor: Ma’am, you need to calm down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edr9ht/doctor_during_surgery_we_accidentally_amputated/
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The label said "Stir Well Before Use".

So I stirred it three days before I needed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edr74n/the_label_said_stir_well_before_use/
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A Hispanic Magician

A Hispanic magician says he will disappear on the count of three.  He says, “Uno, dos - “
He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edr68k/a_hispanic_magician/
%
You know why there is only one gender?

Cause it's nerf or nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edr4wh/you_know_why_there_is_only_one_gender/
%
A crow flies to a woman on the street

Crow: Miss, would you donate to my charity?
Woman: Why should I?
Crow: CAW CAW CAW CAW
Woman: What does that even mean?
Crow: Its four good caws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edr0ku/a_crow_flies_to_a_woman_on_the_street/
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edqwee/a_married_couple_went_to_the_hospital_to_have/
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Dude is watching a daytime talk show with his GF...

The host tells the audience, "Communication is important. Sometimes the things you say can make your partner happy. Sometimes you make your partner sad. And sometimes, you can say something that makes your partner happy and sad at the same time..."
The dude scoffs. "That's bullshit! There's nothing you can say to a person that makes them both happy and sad!"
His girlfriend thinks for a moment and then replies, "Out of all your friends, brothers, and cousins, you have the biggest dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edqvtx/dude_is_watching_a_daytime_talk_show_with_his_gf/
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HER: kids grow up so fast these days

**ME:** I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers.
**HER:** exactly!
**ME:** she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edqvb2/her_kids_grow_up_so_fast_these_days/
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A mathematician, a biologist and a statistician sat at a bar

Across the street they saw a man and a woman enter a building. 30 minutes later the man and the woman appears with a child.
The statistician said that this is clearly a case of faulty data. There is more information here than we have.
Nonsense, said the biologist. Clearly this is a simple reproduction and the man and the woman made this child.
You're all hopeless, said the mathematician. Obviously, when someone enters the house it will be empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edqt0p/a_mathematician_a_biologist_and_a_statistician/
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They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes.

I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edqt0j/they_say_every_piece_of_chocolate_you_eat/
%
Why are guitarist good with women?

We know are way around a G String.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edqq85/why_are_guitarist_good_with_women/
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My five-year-old said he wanted a kitten for Christmas.

Usually we have turkey, but why not?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edqq5u/my_fiveyearold_said_he_wanted_a_kitten_for/
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My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”

I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edqm7e/my_friend_asked_me_is_sex_weird_after_one_gets_a/
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A cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edqlmg/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A father and son went jogging together

Suddenly, the father had a heart attack.
His last words were, "I had a good run."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edqjby/a_father_and_son_went_jogging_together/
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Why wasn’t the fungus invited on the road trip?

Because there wasn’t mushroom.
Please don’t blame my seven year old for this, it was written by an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edqh69/why_wasnt_the_fungus_invited_on_the_road_trip/
%
Why are crematorium workers always poor?

Because they can’t urn the living!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edqgi4/why_are_crematorium_workers_always_poor/
%
What do you call a dictionary high on drugs?

High-definition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edqbxx/what_do_you_call_a_dictionary_high_on_drugs/
%
Hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church?

**Uber:** sure
**me:** Cool, I’ll cancel the hearse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edq5dw/hey_can_we_pick_up_my_mom_on_the_way_to_church/
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Ten chimpanzees are standing in a line.

The 1st, 3rd, 5th, and 7th chimps are asked to step forward.
They are the prime apes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edq0u7/ten_chimpanzees_are_standing_in_a_line/
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You should never EVER give up on your dreams!

That's why you should keep sleeping!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edpzu7/you_should_never_ever_give_up_on_your_dreams/
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Will glass coffins become a trend in 2020?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edpxai/will_glass_coffins_become_a_trend_in_2020/
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All of my girlfriends can be divided up like numbers. You mean like sixes, eights and tens?

No. Imaginary, irrational or both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edpt12/all_of_my_girlfriends_can_be_divided_up_like/
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"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Who's the lucky man, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edppcc/mom_im_dating_a_man/
%
Miss Piggy

Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 100?
Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edpnkt/miss_piggy/
%
Nuts!

What do you call nuts on a chest?
Chestnuts
What do you call nuts on a wall?
Walnuts
What do you call nuts on a chin?
A blowjob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edplt6/nuts/
%
The Koala and the Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says:
"Hey Koala!
What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint."
"Come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala
and they enjoy a large doobie.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry
and he is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the koala, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to see this.
So they walk into the rain forest and find the tree where the koala is sitting, with yet another joint.
He looks up and says, "Hey you!"
The koala looks down at him and says...
"Fu-u-u-u-c-c-k, Dude.......
How much water did you drink?
*** *I have no idea where this joke originated as I received it long ago in an email. But I had to shared it with you guys! Hope you’ve enjoyed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edpitb/the_koala_and_the_lizard/
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My friend can recognize a woman by looking at her breasts

He says they can hide their face, but they cannot hide their identitties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edpcmi/my_friend_can_recognize_a_woman_by_looking_at_her/
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I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.
Happy holidays folks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edp4np/i_can_accurately_predict_all_the_major_events/
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I was fucking this older woman

She said, “You know, you remind me of my son.”
I said, “Let's not make this weird, gran.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edp22s/i_was_fucking_this_older_woman/
%
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”
“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Canada,” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”
“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada!”
The boy replied, “No kidding???? Who did she play for?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edovko/a_man_walked_into_the_produce_section_of_his/
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Anti-Vaxxers are less likely to have the cold

Because they’re already dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edotm7/antivaxxers_are_less_likely_to_have_the_cold/
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I recently proposed to my mute girlfriend

She was speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edoquu/i_recently_proposed_to_my_mute_girlfriend/
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A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people.
Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea).
However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home.
We passed a police check point and I could see they were pulling over drivers and giving them breath tests. They waved the bus past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I’d never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edoje6/a_warning_to_all/
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What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edohcc/whats_the_difference_between_hungry_and_horny/
%
I've done a survey asking women what shampoo brand they used in shower.

99% of the respondents answered: "What are you doing here? Get out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edogtn/ive_done_a_survey_asking_women_what_shampoo_brand/
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I went to a shop that would stretch letters for me...

Really long Queues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edo5y1/i_went_to_a_shop_that_would_stretch_letters_for_me/
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My second wife never really was on time for anything

She would just Anne Boleyn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edo3gr/my_second_wife_never_really_was_on_time_for/
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It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong

and it takes a bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edo0hu/it_takes_a_big_man_to_admit_when_hes_wrong/
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A little medical joke

The South African Medical Association has weighed in on the new National Health Insurance proposals.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.
The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthetist thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
I feel, as a chiropractor that I would like to wring a few necks....
We psychologists respect the right of the Bill to be amended, but only if IT REALLY WANTS TO CHANGE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ednwxg/a_little_medical_joke/
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My favorite strip club went out of business.

The sign on the door says "Sorry, we are clothed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ednwdn/my_favorite_strip_club_went_out_of_business/
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What does a robot do after sex?

Nuts n Bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ednl8l/what_does_a_robot_do_after_sex/
%
My dentist asked me if I floss between meals

"No, usually between teeth" I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ednhld/my_dentist_asked_me_if_i_floss_between_meals/
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I asked my wife to set the alarm clock for six ...

She asked “why six? There‘s only the two of us here.”
(hat tip: Spike Milligan)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ednb48/i_asked_my_wife_to_set_the_alarm_clock_for_six/
%
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Cause light attracts bugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edna99/why_do_programmers_prefer_dark_mode/
%
Why was one of Santa's little helpers depressed?

He had low elf esteem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edn5br/why_was_one_of_santas_little_helpers_depressed/
%
What do french people smoke?

Oui’d

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edmun8/what_do_french_people_smoke/
%
So I was driving Uber tonight...

So I was driving Uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at UNCC. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed....
Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...
So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to Ri Ra’s Irish Pub in Uptown Charlotte. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number.  I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged.
She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edmnrb/so_i_was_driving_uber_tonight/
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Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?

To beat the crowds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edmmui/why_do_the_hong_kong_police_get_up_early_in_the/
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Wife: I'm pregnant

Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm Dad
Wife: No you're not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edmjdu/wife_im_pregnant/
%
Hookers don’t fart

They let out little prosti-toots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edmf4j/hookers_dont_fart/
%
Ever wonder why Star Wars has so many plot holes?

It's because the stormtroopers keep missing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edm1yj/ever_wonder_why_star_wars_has_so_many_plot_holes/
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I’m a sex Ed teacher.

When I was in school, I didn’t give a fuck about educating. But now, I give education on fucking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edm0gj/im_a_sex_ed_teacher/
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Entitled Parent Joke

So I was at a restaurant with my family and this woman came up with a child. She looked about 40 with blonde hair. The child looked about 5 with also blonde hair. The child was crying at the time and the woman started to nag at us. Apparently, the child wanted a dessert and, lucky for us, we were the only people in the area who happened to have milkshakes. The woman passive-aggressively asked us to either buy one or let the “angel” have some. We politely declined, as we didn’t have any cash, and were also a little under the weather with colds. She then demanded from us that we needed to give some kind of dessert for her child who was now sobbing. By now, staff gets involved and they start pulling her away, but she breaks free and starts just pulling my leg.
Just like how I’m pulling yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edm02e/entitled_parent_joke/
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An American just married his Chinese mail order bride...

They’re at the hotel after their quick wedding, ready to be intimate for the first time. They’re making out, things are getting hot and heavy.
Chinese Wife says: We can do whatever you want. What do you want to do?
American husband says : I want to try a 69
Chinese Wife says: Why you want a Beef and Broccori?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edlnzl/an_american_just_married_his_chinese_mail_order/
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So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god's waiting to review his life.

God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion.... you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?"
Johnny replied, " You see God, but that's just it, you fell right into my trap! You know I believed in you, which meant you knew, that I knew you were always watching! Yet you continued to watch my incest porn, time and time and again! So I ask you! What the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?"
God replied " Damn you're good"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edlir0/so_johnny_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_where_gods/
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Why didn't Pinnochio have many friends?

Because he wasn't poplar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edldjy/why_didnt_pinnochio_have_many_friends/
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Why did the Old man fall into a well ?

Because he couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edlbdv/why_did_the_old_man_fall_into_a_well/
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Why can't a seal be a DJ

Because they are afraid of club hits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edl8wm/why_cant_a_seal_be_a_dj/
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"Dad , why did you take my name off your will?"

"When i asked you to graduate from college, you only said 'A single piece of paper can't decide my life'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edl1r3/dad_why_did_you_take_my_name_off_your_will/
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So there is an elephant stuck in some quicksand

He yells for a help and a mouse comes to try and pull him out. The mouse pulls as hard as he can but the elephant won’t budge. The mouse then runs home to grab his corvette and goes back to pull the elephant out. Later that day, the mouse was stuck in some quicksand. He yells for help and the elephant is nearby. The elephant walks over the quicksand, drops his dick down over the mouse, and the mouse runs up it and is safe. Moral of the story: if you have a big dick, you don’t need a corvette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edkv4h/so_there_is_an_elephant_stuck_in_some_quicksand/
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time-consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edkrfs/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
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What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he found out his school was organizing a show and tell about classical music ?

I'll be Bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edkcfo/what_did_arnold_schwarzenegger_say_when_he_found/
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Why do golfers always bring two pairs of pants?

Just in case they get a hole in one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edk5ig/why_do_golfers_always_bring_two_pairs_of_pants/
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Excuses are like assholes...

Some people have really nice ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edk414/excuses_are_like_assholes/
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My friend died because we couldn’t remember his blood type.

He kept telling us to be positive but it’s hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edjzoo/my_friend_died_because_we_couldnt_remember_his/
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My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.

Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edjyzt/my_neighbor_just_got_arrested_for_growing_weed_in/
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A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,

"What's your name son"?
He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir".
The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"?
The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edjya9/a_guy_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding_and_the/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edjwz8/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
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Today I took a taxi. The passenger before me had left his wallet behind on the backseat

Inside was a picture of my wife and kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edjqup/today_i_took_a_taxi_the_passenger_before_me_had/
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My wife is such a bad cook

We pray after we eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edjq47/my_wife_is_such_a_bad_cook/
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What do you call it when you get your package after 2 business days instead of the promised 3-5?

mail privilege

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edjn7c/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_your_package/
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A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edjmx1/a_black_guy_in_a_library_asked_me_where_the/
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My cousin has dark hair. His wife is blonde. All four of their kids have light colored hair.

Genetically speaking, there's a 15 in 16 chance that she's cheating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edj7xd/my_cousin_has_dark_hair_his_wife_is_blonde_all/
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Me: I’m afraid of random letters.

Therapist: You are?
Me: [confused screaming]
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Me: [screaming intensifies]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edj499/me_im_afraid_of_random_letters/
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As the world’s population swelled over the past few decades, Santa’s sleigh got heavier and heavier, requiring more reindeer to pull it.

Santa hired two new reindeer as crew, Lee and Franklin.
As part of their new hire training both Lee and Franklin go through a lot of physical training, navigational training, as well as a list of things that is to be packed on the sleigh.
Franklin is going through the list of banned items.  There are weapons, drugs, etc., but one item caught his curiosity...  Cement.
Franklin says to Lee, “Hey, do you have any idea why cement might be banned?”
“No idea, let’s ask the boss.  I can’t see why anyone would want that,” says Lee
They both go to Santa’s office and ask, “Hey, Santa?  Does anyone ever actually ask for cement for Christmas?”
Santa, in the process of checking his list, puts it down and says, “Yes.  Every year there is a small village by a river that floods constantly.  They ask for as much as they can get to build a wall.  Every year I refuse.”
Both Franklin and Lee look at each other in amazement.  That sounds like a great gift to give a village who needs it.
Franklin then asks, “But Santa, why would you ban them from having cement?  It sure sounds like they could use it!”
Santa turns to both of them and says...
“Frank, Lee, my deer.  I don’t give out dams.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ediz36/as_the_worlds_population_swelled_over_the_past/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
Baby yoda.
Baby yoda who?
Baby yoda only one I care about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ediwmq/knock_knock/
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Twelve years ago today, I buried a time capsule. Tomorrow I'm going to dig it up and open it.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ediubd/twelve_years_ago_today_i_buried_a_time_capsule/
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My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes.

I am a surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ediu19/my_grandmother_who_is_a_chef_says_that_i_must/
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If you give a mouse a cookie...

He's going to ask if he can use it to improve your internet browsing experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ediorh/if_you_give_a_mouse_a_cookie/
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So my friend told me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ediocv/so_my_friend_told_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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You know what the name of the hotel chain “La Quinta” means in English?

“Next to a Denny’s”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edicl5/you_know_what_the_name_of_the_hotel_chain_la/
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A man joins a sports team and needs to buy a jock strap

He’s very nervous about this having never purchased one before.  He enters the store silently praying that he won’t be helped by a saleswoman.  He gets to the jock strap section and there is a saleswomen in the isle.  Before he can turn around and run away, she says enthusiastically says “May I help you?”  He softly and reluctantly says “ok I guess, I need to buy a jock strap....”. She says “sure I can help, do you know what size you are?”  He says, “I don’t know?”  So she holds up one finger in the air, indicating if the width of her finger is his size, “are you this big?”  He says confidently “Oh no, I’m much bigger than that!”  She holds up 2 fingers together “are you this big?”  He looks, “No, I’m bigger than that”. She holds up 3 fingers together “how about this big?”  He says “Yes that looks about right!”  She shoves all 3 fingers into her mouth and says “Medium!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edi7my/a_man_joins_a_sports_team_and_needs_to_buy_a_jock/
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How do you get your kids to be quiet while you sleep?

Tell them to wake you up in 30 minutes for chores and house cleaning. They’ll go quiet instantly and try their best to not wake you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edi3oi/how_do_you_get_your_kids_to_be_quiet_while_you/
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My penis was inside of the Guinness book of world records

That was before i was kicked out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edhzk7/my_penis_was_inside_of_the_guinness_book_of_world/
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What is the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in shower?

One has a soul full of hope, another has a hole full of soap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edhzi4/what_is_the_difference_between_a_girl_in_a_church/
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What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was?

It looks like rain, dear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edhuux/what_did_mrs_claus_say_to_santa_when_he_asked/
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I miss my umbilical cord..

I grew attached to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edho39/i_miss_my_umbilical_cord/
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Why is EU like a frying pan?

Because Greece is stuck at the bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edhj3g/why_is_eu_like_a_frying_pan/
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Why did Rhianna get back with Chris Brown?

I don't know, beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edhh1c/why_did_rhianna_get_back_with_chris_brown/
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What is the opposite of fire fly?

Water fall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edhfa0/what_is_the_opposite_of_fire_fly/
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I took my son to see Santa today for the first time, but as soon as he sat on his knee, he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's this job man, I fucking hate it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edhe7z/i_took_my_son_to_see_santa_today_for_the_first/
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A 9-1-1 operator in the deep South picks up the phone

"9-1-1, what is your emergency?"
"Oh my God, it's my wife - she done been gored by a hog, she's bleedin' some real bad! Send help!"
"Calm down sir, and tell me where you are"
"I'm at 560 Eucalyptus Drive"
"Can you spell that for me, sir?"
"U... er... E, U... er... U... ... Hang on a second, I'm gonna drag her down to Oak Street."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edh1ot/a_911_operator_in_the_deep_south_picks_up_the/
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You’ll never guess who I bumped into in the glasses store

Everybody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edh08d/youll_never_guess_who_i_bumped_into_in_the/
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A priest, a black man, a camel. a skeleton, and a Jew walk into a bar...

The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edgx18/a_priest_a_black_man_a_camel_a_skeleton_and_a_jew/
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The first thing I do after waking up every morning is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edgplp/the_first_thing_i_do_after_waking_up_every/
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City Planner: this intersection design would result in multiple, severe collisions every day

**Hot Wheels Creator:** dope, right?
**City Planner:** *[nodding]* super fuckin dope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edgiys/city_planner_this_intersection_design_would/
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Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!
Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!
Dad: That’s nice, but we have  a small problem there!
Boy: What problem?!
Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!
Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
Edit - thanks kind strangers for the awards! I have never gotten them before so thanks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edghbw/boy_aged_4_dad_ive_decided_to_get_married/
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I like my coffins like I like my women.

With my remains in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edggob/i_like_my_coffins_like_i_like_my_women/
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I was excited to work for the ancient Egyptians

Until I realized it was a pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edfum5/i_was_excited_to_work_for_the_ancient_egyptians/
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I tried to be nice to someone today and hold the door open for them

But all they did was scream and fly out the airplane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edfs5t/i_tried_to_be_nice_to_someone_today_and_hold_the/
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A grasshopper finishes having sex with praying mantis and says:

- I know that you are going to eat me now, but I don't care, it was awesome!
- Don't worry bro, only girls do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edfp06/a_grasshopper_finishes_having_sex_with_praying/
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My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort.

It was a real pane in the asp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edflrb/my_pet_viper_swallowed_a_sheet_of_window_glass/
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I don’t understand why everyone is getting so excited about Trump’s impeachment

It’s not like it’s unpresidented

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edfcbh/i_dont_understand_why_everyone_is_getting_so/
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I don't know why they have to Italian, but ... (longish)

A young Italian bride is to spend her wedding night at her mother’s house. The bride and groom retire to the bedroom, where the groom starts disrobing. He takes off his shirt, to reveal a hairy, muscly chest, and the bride rushes next door to tell her mama, “Mama, he got a large hairy chest!”. To which Mama reassures the bride, to take it easy… The groom then removes his trousers, to reveal a muscly pair of legs…and the bride rushes next door to tell her mama, “Mama, he got a great pair of legs!”. Of course Mama reassures the bride… And then the groom removes his socks, to reveal one foot, and the other foot had been chopped off at the instep. Breathlessly, the bride rushes to tell her Mama, “Mama, Mama, he got a foot and a half”. And then Mama steps up, and tells her daughter, “Stand aside, this is a job for Mama…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edf8ka/i_dont_know_why_they_have_to_italian_but_longish/
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Who is the king of christmas music?

Elfis Presently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edevz3/who_is_the_king_of_christmas_music/
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My friend just had a testicle removed after finding a lump

THAT'S how serious he is about mashed potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edel5z/my_friend_just_had_a_testicle_removed_after/
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How do you spell candy with only two letters?

c and y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edekte/how_do_you_spell_candy_with_only_two_letters/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme...

Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? He’s got tons of dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edeil2/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_tried_to/
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AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ede1hw/aita_for_mixing_up_orders_and_serving_a_vegan/
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Pavlov walks into a bar when the bell rings

He stares, “oh shit, I forgot to feed my dogs”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eddv87/pavlov_walks_into_a_bar_when_the_bell_rings/
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When I was younger, I lost my virginity to a prostitute and only lasted 3 secs..

I think it was the whoremoans that set me off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eddrco/when_i_was_younger_i_lost_my_virginity_to_a/
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My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?

I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eddpoe/my_ex_just_donated_her_eggs_and_got_3000_wtf/
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Old man

An 80 year old man gets a letter from the IRS saying to call their office as soon as possible. The old man picked up the phone and called the IRS and an agent says that he noticed some irregularities with his money where there was a large amount of funds going in and out of his account and he needs to come in the next morning at 9 am to discuss it.
The old man says no problem he'll be in at 9. After hanging up the phone he takes a bit to think about it and decided he should probably have a lawyer present with him so he calls his lawyer to have him accompany him.
The following morning the old man and the lawyer arrive at the IRS office where the agent sits down and says that he will have to do an audit for the mans source of income. The old man says well that is because he loves to gamble on damn near anything. The IRS agent says oh really? The old man says that's right, and I'll bet you 5 thousand dollars I can bite my eye. The IRS agent says ok, I'll take that sure bet.
The old man pulls out his fake eye and puts it in his mouth to bite it then replaces it back in his eye socket. The IRS agent goes you son of a bitch. The old man say now hold on a second, I'll let you get your money back and more. I bet 7500 that I can bite my other eye. The IRS agent thinks a moment and not seeing a cane or seeing eye dog the agent says you're on.
The old man pulls out his false teeth and using his hand bites his other eye. The IRS agent is stunned because once again the old man has bested him. The old man says now I can't just let you be down just like that I will give you one last chance. 15 thousand dollars says for you to move your trash can to the other side of the room and I will stand over here
I bet 15 thousand that I can piss in that trash can and not get a single drop anywhere but in that garbage can. The IRS agent says fine, there is no possible way the old man can do that. So the old man unzips and pisses all over the IRS agents desk. The IRS agent smiles because he won his bet but noticed the lawyer who went pale and and tells the old man you son of a bitch. The IRS agent asks what is wrong to which the lawyer says that on the way in the old man bet him 100 thousand dollars that he would piss all over the agents desk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edddrl/old_man/
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What do you call an Italian window cleaner?

Squ-igi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eddafp/what_do_you_call_an_italian_window_cleaner/
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My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. He had a terrible end,

but a lovely finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edd9qr/my_friend_drowned_in_a_vat_of_varnish_he_had_a/
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Ministers are like Greek gods.

When a country can't explain something, they create a new one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edd4t1/ministers_are_like_greek_gods/
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A panda walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edd103/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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Sex with a robot is awful...

He just nuts and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edcxbq/sex_with_a_robot_is_awful/
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I like my women like I like my coffee...

No pubic hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edcw8o/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A boy and a girl were best friends since they were kids

They used to play with wooden toy pirates after school, using ventilation shafts in each others' houses as their place to get away from their family issues.
They used to play in these tunnels for years, until eventually they grew too old for this. However, they still stayed friends, and after a few more years started dating.
One night, they went to bed together, and the girl was surprised at how good the boy was in bed, so she asked him how.
He responded:
"Well, after years of playing with wooden seamen, I can found my way around the shafts pretty well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edcuuv/a_boy_and_a_girl_were_best_friends_since_they/
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A couple have just had a baby

They go to the doctor to have the baby checked up.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Dad: what's the good news please.
Doctor: your son can park wherever he wants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edcttq/a_couple_have_just_had_a_baby/
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I like my men how I like my coffee...

I don't like coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edct22/i_like_my_men_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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I think women breast feeding in public is disgusting.

I was always taught that if you didn't bring enough for the entire class, nobody gets to have any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edccnd/i_think_women_breast_feeding_in_public_is/
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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edcchy/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole_i/
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What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm going in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edc93d/what_did_the_penis_say_to_the_condom/
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What’s the difference between a rooster and a nymphomaniac?

The rooster says “cock-a-doddle-doo”.
The nymphomaniac says “any-cock-‘ll-do”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edc56l/whats_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_a/
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A man gets his favorite's sports team hat stolen...

Angry and in a fuss, he stomps around his living wondering who took it. He loves his team and he misses his hat.
So he hatches a plan.
"I know, ill go to church, during sermon ill sneak to coat check. For sure someone is gonna have the same hat and i'll just take it. Ya that'll show em!"
He arrives at church and sits through the sermon without ever finding his oppurtunity to strike.
Skip some time ahead when everyones left church, the priest sees the man sitting alone, head down in one of the rows of seats.
Priest: "whats wrong my son"
Man: "i must confess, i came here angry with the intentions of stealing someone's hat, but after your sermon i felt silly and came to reason"
Priest "was it when i was talking about not coveting your neighbours goods?
Man "no no... its when you talked about adultery... it dawned on me where i left my hat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edc1tx/a_man_gets_his_favorites_sports_team_hat_stolen/
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It was freezing that day and I prayed for snow at my wedding...

Never happened but I got 8 inches on my honey moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edbsl8/it_was_freezing_that_day_and_i_prayed_for_snow_at/
%
Last night i dreamt that I'm eating the world's largest marshmallow

Then my wife woke me up asking where our pillow was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edbqr3/last_night_i_dreamt_that_im_eating_the_worlds/
%
Billy's mom comes home. "Billy, what's wrong?" -"Dad hanged himself in the attic!" he said in tears.

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling.
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edbp6f/billys_mom_comes_home_billy_whats_wrong_dad/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edbmex/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Person 1:Guys we have to be careful, one of us is possessed by a owl.

Person 2: Who?
Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...
(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edblj3/person_1guys_we_have_to_be_careful_one_of_us_is/
%
I’ve only got 1% left on my battery, but I wanted to share this hilarious joke real quick!

Knock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edbjvj/ive_only_got_1_left_on_my_battery_but_i_wanted_to/
%
Girlfriend of two years broke up with me this fall, I was devastated. Then I realized...

I had 2 fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edbihe/girlfriend_of_two_years_broke_up_with_me_this/
%
I had a dream the ocean was full of orange soda ...

It was a Fanta Sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edbeph/i_had_a_dream_the_ocean_was_full_of_orange_soda/
%
There aren't two genders, nor many, but only one

Because it's Nerf or nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edbep5/there_arent_two_genders_nor_many_but_only_one/
%
I hate these double standards.

if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edb9qx/i_hate_these_double_standards/
%
What's one reason you should not join the Nazi party?

It is just nazi reich thing to do! ^^^^Also, ^^^^fuck ^^^^nazis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edb9j0/whats_one_reason_you_should_not_join_the_nazi/
%
Did you hear about the sucicdal homeopath?

He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edb2a6/did_you_hear_about_the_sucicdal_homeopath/
%
My father always told me, “marry a girl who is passionate about her career”

I think my prostitute will do just fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edb1x4/my_father_always_told_me_marry_a_girl_who_is/
%
Why don't Americans switch from pounds to kilograms all at once?

Because there will be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edb1t8/why_dont_americans_switch_from_pounds_to/
%
A photon tries to go through airport security fast, but is stopped. "Don't you have any luggage" asks the security agent.

The photon replies. "No I'm travelling light".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edb0z3/a_photon_tries_to_go_through_airport_security/
%
C,E-flat and G walk into a bar. The bartender immediately shows them the door.

"Sorry we don't serve minors in here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edazty/ceflat_and_g_walk_into_a_bar_the_bartender/
%
[nsfw] I like my women like I like my whiskey

12 years old and mixed with coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edawim/nsfw_i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
%
I couldn’t believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edar6k/i_couldnt_believe_my_brother_was_stealing_from/
%
It’s funny how words change meanings over time.

For instance, as a child you only visit the headmaster for punishment, but later on in life it’s actually a reward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edaqdw/its_funny_how_words_change_meanings_over_time/
%
Have you ever heard of Quasimodo?

It rings a bell...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edao5o/have_you_ever_heard_of_quasimodo/
%
I have loads of pick up lines about unemployed people...

Unfortunately, none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edamvl/i_have_loads_of_pick_up_lines_about_unemployed/
%
Whats the difference between light and hard?

A man can fall asleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edamhn/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edai1n/they_say_that_christmas_is_a_pagan_holiday_but/
%
Pretty women sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/edadrd/pretty_women_sneezes/
%
If anyone on this sub is thinking of getting married, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
But on the other hand, you don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eda9wz/if_anyone_on_this_sub_is_thinking_of_getting/
%
I just found our Dr Pepper was a real Doctor!

Apparently he was a Fizzician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eda8a2/i_just_found_our_dr_pepper_was_a_real_doctor/
%
My girlfriend changed when she became a vegetarian

Its like I had never seen herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eda7ql/my_girlfriend_changed_when_she_became_a_vegetarian/
%
Do you say either or either?

Either.
Yeah, but which one do you say?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eda5g0/do_you_say_either_or_either/
%
My coworker treat me like a god

when some shit happen, they crucify me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed9z2p/my_coworker_treat_me_like_a_god/
%
My mother just got a sewing machine

Needles to say, she was sattisfied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed9z0h/my_mother_just_got_a_sewing_machine/
%
A priest, a minister and a Rabbi

made a bet to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.
The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a Grizzly bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".
The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."
The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.
"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed9thw/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi/
%
A recently-married man is serving in the Navy.

He is on a ship near an island a long way from home, and he knows he will be there a long time. He sends a letter to his wife saying that there are lots of young and beautiful girls on the island. Could she send him something to distract him from them? She sends him an accordion with a note saying "Learn to play this."
Six months later, he arrives home. He says to his wife, "I can't wait to get into bed with you!" She replies "First, let's see how well you play that accordion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed9t7o/a_recentlymarried_man_is_serving_in_the_navy/
%
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?

At the second-hand second hand store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed9pxf/where_does_a_thrifty_frankenstein_get_his_limbs/
%
A patient is at the doctors office and the doctor tells him he has bad news and worst news

Patient: Alright doc give me the bad news
Doctor: Unfortunately you have AIDS
Patient: That’s terrible news, I can’t believe it. What could the worst news possibly be
Doctor: Well the worst news is you have Alzheimers
Patient: That’s unbelievable doc, you were right that is worst news.  But hey on the bright side at least I don’t have AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed9ny5/a_patient_is_at_the_doctors_office_and_the_doctor/
%
I would tell you a plane joke, but

It would probably just go straight over your head, it might not even take off, well I’m way to exhausted to show myself out could you open the door for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed9n5q/i_would_tell_you_a_plane_joke_but/
%
What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, the little fucker wouldn't be able to open it anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed9luf/what_do_you_give_an_armless_child_for_christmas/
%
Epileptic Santa

He seizures when you're sleeping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed9kol/epileptic_santa/
%
Everyones skin goes bad this time of year...

Eczemas Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed9jyq/everyones_skin_goes_bad_this_time_of_year/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women

Smoking hot and all over my lap while I'm driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed9id2/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
I often get ignored or people generally don't notice me...

I always wanted to be like John Cena.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed9eyb/i_often_get_ignored_or_people_generally_dont/
%
WWII, nazis came to some village and decided to have a little fun

So, they line up all the men from the village and pick one of their women. And one of the nazis says: "We'll kill all of you unless you will find your husband while blindfolded only by touching his dick".
So, they blindfold her and she begins touching. "Not mine, not mine, not mine, this one is not even from our village..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed9dyi/wwii_nazis_came_to_some_village_and_decided_to/
%
I got banned from the Secret Cooking Society

For spilling the beans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed9bwp/i_got_banned_from_the_secret_cooking_society/
%
I went to the doctor... (NSFW)

...and I said "I had a bit of a fall in my kitchen, and as embarrassing as this is, I've got my cock & balls stuck in a jar of vinegar."
"Any pain?" said the doctor.
"A slight pickling sensation..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed95rq/i_went_to_the_doctor_nsfw/
%
Why can't Mexicans cross the border in threes?

...no trespassing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed91qo/why_cant_mexicans_cross_the_border_in_threes/
%
Reddit Drinking Game

Go to the popular section and take a shot any time something political comes up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed8ty8/reddit_drinking_game/
%
I like my steak like i like my sex

Rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed8rku/i_like_my_steak_like_i_like_my_sex/
%
My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed8lpy/my_friend_said_congratulations_on_your_new_job/
%
This guy told me he is the fastest cross dresser in the world.

I said "Really?"
She said, "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed8jyh/this_guy_told_me_he_is_the_fastest_cross_dresser/
%
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I don’t think I can ever repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed8jsf/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/
%
What should they say about you when you're dead?

Tom, Dick and Harry where in a terrible car accident. Sadly, they all died. They followed the light through the tunnel and arrived at the pearly gates. Before they could enter Heaven they had to attend an introduction ceremony. After about 15 minutes they where presented with a question; What would you like people to say about you at the funeral?
Tom said, I'd like for my family to say I was a loving and caring husband and father. Dick said he would like for his friends to say he'd been a truly good friend. Harry was still thinking about the question and finally looked up and said I want them all to say, look – he's moving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed8exp/what_should_they_say_about_you_when_youre_dead/
%
A sickly patient went her doctor's office where she underwent a complete physical exam.

The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed8dvh/a_sickly_patient_went_her_doctors_office_where/
%
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man asks him,“What’s wrong?”
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus,”the man says.
“Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?”
The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed8bj4/an_irish_boy_stands_crying_at_the_side_of_the_road/
%
My last girlfriend called me a stalker.

Well, when I say girlfriend.........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed87ya/my_last_girlfriend_called_me_a_stalker/
%
She swallowed a condom

Phone rings:
\- Doctor, doctor, you must come at once. My girlfriend swallowed a condom.
Thinking she might be choking, the doctor sprang into action, ready to jump in his car when the phone rang a second time.
\- It's me again. You don't need to come. We found another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed87ok/she_swallowed_a_condom/
%
Little Timothy was a bright young boy, and he was even fairly handsome.

The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.
He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self esteem.
But he was tired of letting the world get him down. The school dance was coming up and he would be damned if he didn't let himself have a good time.
Timothy had eyes for a girl named Sally. She was shy and just as lonely as he was, due to having a fairly pronounced mustache, earning her the nickname, "Hair-lip".
Well Timmy saw past her stache and thought she was the most beautiful girl in school, and he decided he was going to ask her out. He waited until lunch, and spotted her eating a peanut butter sandwich alone in the corner of the lunchroom.
He marched up to her and said, "Sally, I've been seeing you around for a while, and, well... Would you like to go to the dance with me?"
Sally's eyes lit up and she responded, "Would I!"
Timothy said, "Hair-lip!" and walked away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed87o9/little_timothy_was_a_bright_young_boy_and_he_was/
%
What are drug addicts looking forward to now?

Christmeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed82py/what_are_drug_addicts_looking_forward_to_now/
%
A policeman comes to work, all happy. "Guess what?" He says. His co-workers ask: "We don't know, what?" The policeman answers:

"I bought a Lego set for 3+ years and managed to build it in a year!"
(Was funnier in my language)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed82b3/a_policeman_comes_to_work_all_happy_guess_what_he/
%
Can't take a vacation..

\- I can't go on a long vacation because of my work.
\- Oh, I'm sure they can manage without you for a week.
\- Exactly! That's what I don't want them to discover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed8288/cant_take_a_vacation/
%
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph.......because it's not the full essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed81s8/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**
Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.
Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance and therefore must not occur after 11pm and before 7am.
Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment, including Eye Protection, to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the ‘redness’ of any part of Mr. Rudolph Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. Rudolf Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of such an offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered and where necessary, taxes and import duties paid as appropriate. This applies regardless of the individual -even royal personages.
It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services and the Local Authority Safeguarding Board have been advised and will be fully investigating. The RSPCA are also seeking reassurance that no donkeys were harmed during this incident.
Compliance of these guidelines is mandatory in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas (but bear in mind this must be under 107 milligrams per 100 millilitres of urine or 35 microgrammes per 100 millilitres of breath if driving – UK, Wales & Northern Ireland).
Regards,
The Christmas Regulatory & Assessment Panel (CRAP)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed7mpo/notice_is_hereby_given/
%
You are like a cloud.

When you disappear it’s a beautiful day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed7l7b/you_are_like_a_cloud/
%
I thought of you today.

It reminded me to take out the trash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed7ko0/i_thought_of_you_today/
%
To teenage daughter:

“Learn from my mistakes. Use birth control.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed7kat/to_teenage_daughter/
%
Why do bald girls give head during the holidays but not year round?

There is only one season for egg noggin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed7ha3/why_do_bald_girls_give_head_during_the_holidays/
%
So you're telling me that you're from the 5th largest country in South America?

I don't Bolivia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed7fyo/so_youre_telling_me_that_youre_from_the_5th/
%
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, ten dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed7cb7/pun_enters_a_room_kills_10_people/
%
Telemarketing is not a profession.

It's a calling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed78j1/telemarketing_is_not_a_profession/
%
I got so fed up with my wife complaining about my sense of direction

I packed my stuff up and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed74nw/i_got_so_fed_up_with_my_wife_complaining_about_my/
%
For me, relationships are like a game of hide and seek

Nobody finds me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed7087/for_me_relationships_are_like_a_game_of_hide_and/
%
Let me think of a sad joke

Oh wait it’s me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed6z74/let_me_think_of_a_sad_joke/
%
I like my coffee how I like my slaves...

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed6wf0/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_slaves/
%
I'm a bartender

Guy: One Mojito please
Me: Sure
Guy: Can you make it virgin?
Me (Holding back tears): Yes... yes I can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed6trz/im_a_bartender/
%
It makes sense that the Right to Bear Arms is the 2nd amendment

If the 1st amendment is, “I should be able to say whatever the fuck I want”
Then it makes sense that the founding fathers said, “Oh ya, I should probably have a gun too”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed6tjy/it_makes_sense_that_the_right_to_bear_arms_is_the/
%
What do you get when you cross a Mafioso and a deconstructionist?

Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed6pwi/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mafioso_and_a/
%
What did the janitor yell when he burst out of the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed6pho/what_did_the_janitor_yell_when_he_burst_out_of/
%
I’m so angry I just smashed my keyboard.

I lost Ctrl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed6b9r/im_so_angry_i_just_smashed_my_keyboard/
%
Larry, the Chemical Engineer

Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.
However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Research called him into the office.
“Larry, I need to let you know that unless you can come up with something new in the next two months, we’re going to have to let you go.”
Dejected and depressed, Larry headed over to the Covalent Lounge at the end of the day. The Covalent was where the engineers and scientists from the various plants and refineries in the area would hang out and swap stories.
Sitting there nursing his scotch on the rocks, Larry notices a guy in a white lab coat at the end of the bar. Between his fingers he has some material about the size of a marble. At first he bounces the substance on the bar and catches it. Then to Larry’s amazement, the guy stretches the material to about 5 times its original length. He then rolls it back into a ball and compresses between his fingers where it smooths out like a pancake.
Larry, desperate for any idea and excited by the object’s properties, approaches the guy and asks, “Do you mind if I take a look at that?”
The guy in the lab coat looks suspiciously around the bar and then hands Larry the object. Sure enough, the material is like nothing Larry’s seen before. He moulds it, rolls it, bounces it and examines it very closely.
He then hands it back to the guy and asks him, “Where did you get this stuff?”
“In my nose.”
��U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed61sq/larry_the_chemical_engineer/
%
Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy?

Something inside me says yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed61hl/is_my_thai_girlfriend_really_a_guy/
%
I’m getting sick of all these stupid Republican jokes.

All 195 of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed60ra/im_getting_sick_of_all_these_stupid_republican/
%
What’s the best way to code the snake game?

In *python* script

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed5y8a/whats_the_best_way_to_code_the_snake_game/
%
What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between the two of us, something smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed5oyn/what_did_the_left_eye_say_to_the_right_eye/
%
A waiter brings dinner to the table

The patron remarks, "Why is your thumb on my steak?"
"I didn't want it to fall on the floor again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed5lqk/a_waiter_brings_dinner_to_the_table/
%
I hate the new design of the quarter.

Then again, I have never liked change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed5kwl/i_hate_the_new_design_of_the_quarter/
%
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?

Store worker: Why do you ask?
Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed5huf/guy_at_a_grocery_store_are_those_genetically/
%
So i was driving home last night

And this police officer pulled me over and had the NERVE to interrupt my phone call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed5hrk/so_i_was_driving_home_last_night/
%
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed5bso/a_man_and_a_woman_who_had_never_met_before_but/
%
A guy is driving past the White House....

...and he sees that the road is blocked, but they are letting cars through one at a time. There are crowds on the sidewalk, shouting, but he can't hear what's being said.
Finally he gets to the roadblock, and rolls down his window. "What's going on?" he asks.
"Donald Trump has had a meltdown over this impeachment thing, and he's on the front lawn of the White House threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself ablaze unless the American public shows their support by donating to the GOP. So we're taking up a collection."
"How much have you collected so far?"
"About thirty gallons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed54s5/a_guy_is_driving_past_the_white_house/
%
I asked my wife when we first met which side of the bed she likes to sleep on.

"The top" she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed52j1/i_asked_my_wife_when_we_first_met_which_side_of/
%
Melbourne is beginning to look a lot like a MILF

42 and fucking HOT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed52bk/melbourne_is_beginning_to_look_a_lot_like_a_milf/
%
What's heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

Water, because butane is a lighter fluid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed5103/whats_heavier_a_gallon_of_water_or_a_gallon_of/
%
A blind man walks into a bar.

And a table. And a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed4yar/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two psychiatrists are taking a walk and happen upon a person lying bleeding from a stab wound.

One of them says to the other, "The person who did this really needs our help".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed4x20/two_psychiatrists_are_taking_a_walk_and_happen/
%
I ate pelican at a fancy restaurant.

The service was fantastic but the bill was enormous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed4or6/i_ate_pelican_at_a_fancy_restaurant/
%
Why is Santa's parking always free?

Because it's always ON THE HOUSE!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed4ik5/why_is_santas_parking_always_free/
%
If life gives you melons

You may have dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed4h5n/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
I told all my friends to stand in a line and punch me...

There is no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed4gkt/i_told_all_my_friends_to_stand_in_a_line_and/
%
My ex is upset that I tell people she performs multiple handjobs every day for £5 a pop...

Apparently, the proper description for her job is "manicurist,"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed4d4c/my_ex_is_upset_that_i_tell_people_she_performs/
%
Why is Santa always so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed4brh/why_is_santa_always_so_jolly/
%
I was late to special ed class today...

Teacher said I was tardy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed47pg/i_was_late_to_special_ed_class_today/
%
Girls always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they start calling me ugly and broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed44a2/girls_always_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
%
A snake walks into a bar

the bartender asks, "How'd you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed42it/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The best thing about being an abortion doctor

You don't have to buy dog food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed3xom/the_best_thing_about_being_an_abortion_doctor/
%
Why was the teenage crustacean upset?

He couldn't find a date for his high school prawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed3wti/why_was_the_teenage_crustacean_upset/
%
TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed3j98/teamtrees_reached_their_goal_of_20000000_trees/
%
She won't admit it, but I'm sure my wife's favorite sex position is "trick-dog style."

It's where I sit up and beg, then she rolls over and plays dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed3h4f/she_wont_admit_it_but_im_sure_my_wifes_favorite/
%
When will Putin resign as president?

At the coronation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed3b0r/when_will_putin_resign_as_president/
%
The kingdom was in shock to find out that the prince's mother was also his aunt

He was an ingrown heir

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed2w5p/the_kingdom_was_in_shock_to_find_out_that_the/
%
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.

Now my jaw’s all methed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed2ojw/i_got_punched_in_the_mouth_by_a_drug_addict_today/
%
Why does Post Malone only perform 6 days a week?

There's no post on Sundays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed2o4w/why_does_post_malone_only_perform_6_days_a_week/
%
What's the plural of days? (wholesome)

daisies
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed2ny6/whats_the_plural_of_days_wholesome/
%
The bear & the bartender.

A bear walks into a bar. "Gimmie a beer," he says to the bartender. The bartender says "No can do. No beers for bears, that's the rules!"
Bear gets upset, says "Look, man, had a long day, gimmie a beer." The bartender says "No can do Smokey, we don't serve beers to bears. See right here?" He points to a "NO BEERS FOR BEARS" sign.
The bear gets really angry and yells "GIMMIE A BEER, OR I'LL EAT THAT LADY RIGHT OVER THERE." The bartender shrugs his shoulders.
The bear goes over and eats the lady in a violent horrible mess, walks back over.. "Well gimmie a beer." The bartender says "no we don't serve bears beers or bears on drugs beers." The bear says "What?! I'm not on drugs... I just want a beer."
The bartender says "You are too on drugs, that was a bar bitch you ate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed2ew9/the_bear_the_bartender/
%
Guys, do you want to know the secret to never pissing on the toilet seat?

Urine luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed2djf/guys_do_you_want_to_know_the_secret_to_never/
%
Want to hear a joke about ghosts?

That's the spirit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed276w/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_ghosts/
%
I read a sign in a bathroom stall that said, “Do not flush foreign bodies. Toilet paper only.”

Beneath it someone had written, “No shit?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed1yyq/i_read_a_sign_in_a_bathroom_stall_that_said_do/
%
What did the monk say when he saw Jesus Christ's face in his margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed1tkf/what_did_the_monk_say_when_he_saw_jesus_christs/
%
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think of a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed1thh/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
%
I heard you father was run over by a boat in Venice.

My gondolences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed1e3f/i_heard_you_father_was_run_over_by_a_boat_in/
%
A rabbi a priest and an imam argue whose God is bigger

.
The imam says "mine is the biggest God and I'll give you an example; I was on a ship sailing across the Atlantic ocean when a storm started. The waves were as high as buildings, the wind so strong it almost turned the ship over. The captain said all is lost and we will surely drown. I closed my eyes and prayed to Allah and lo and behold - a circle of calm water, as flat as a mirror, surrounded the ship and we cruised peacefully in the midst of the storm until we reached safety".
The priest said "that's nothing. I was once on an airplane flying across the Atlantic ocean when a storm started. There were lightnings striking around us with force, the wind so strong it almost tore the airplane apart. The captain said all is lost and we will surely crash. I closed my eyes and prayed to Jesus and lo and behold - a circle of calm air, as quiet as outer space, surrounded the airplane and we flu peacefully in the midst of the storm until we reached safety".
"That's nothing" said the rabbi. "I was leaving the synagog once after the Friday prayer, all full of holiness and greatness from the Sabbath that has just arrived, when I spotted a wallet full of money on the sidewalk in front of me. Being as Jews are not allowed to touch money on a Sabbath, I closed my eyes and prayed to God and lo and behold - a circle of Thursday surrounded me and I pocketed the wallet".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed1b1p/a_rabbi_a_priest_and_an_imam_argue_whose_god_is/
%
“Why is that baby still in diapers?”

I’ll give you two reasons:
Number 1, and number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed10ln/why_is_that_baby_still_in_diapers/
%
Why does Santa feel sad sometimes?

Low elf esteem...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed0ycw/why_does_santa_feel_sad_sometimes/
%
What is the most unexpected dance?

The coincidance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed0uye/what_is_the_most_unexpected_dance/
%
So on the way home my coffee mug was stolen

I guess you could say I was mugged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed0u36/so_on_the_way_home_my_coffee_mug_was_stolen/
%
I asked my wife if i was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed0n0w/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_shes_been/
%
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy

Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed0mgg/the_impeachment_of_trump_will_be_a_stain_on_his/
%
Post nut clarity can't be real

I keep eating all these cashews and still feel dumb as shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed0jel/post_nut_clarity_cant_be_real/
%
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A slipper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed0bl0/what_do_you_call_a_shoe_made_out_of_a_banana/
%
The Democratic Caucus has released a new gum flavor

Orange n’ Peach Mint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ed048o/the_democratic_caucus_has_released_a_new_gum/
%
Yo mama's so fat

It took me all four fingers to swipe her left in Tinder.
\[edit - a word and some grammar\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eczwo7/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eczqwn/why_is_it_so_hard_to_break_up_with_a_japanese_girl/
%
How do we know Allah exists?

Because it all started with a big bang
(BTW this is a repost from r/darkjokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eczll4/how_do_we_know_allah_exists/
%
On my way home yesterday, I saw a guy with interesting hair dressed up as a Greek god.

He said his name was “Afro-dite”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eczk98/on_my_way_home_yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_with/
%
Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eczclg/do_you_want_to_know_why_the_republicans_wont/
%
NSFW

Friends that come together, stick together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eczb6v/nsfw/
%
Sphinx: What has four legs in the morning, two at noon, and three at night?

Me: A radioactive vietnamese soldier.
Sphinx: No no he’s got a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecz4m7/sphinx_what_has_four_legs_in_the_morning_two_at/
%
Why can't vegans be doctors?

They would eat all of the vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecz3q4/why_cant_vegans_be_doctors/
%
Terminator and his friends were going to a costume party.

They all decided that they'll go as composers.
Friend 1: I'll be Mozart
Friend 2: I'll be Beethoven
Terminator: I'LL BE BACH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecyx3z/terminator_and_his_friends_were_going_to_a/
%
What do you call a gay dog

A golden receiver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecytgv/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dog/
%
A seal walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What‘ll ya have?”
The seal replies, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecyq69/a_seal_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Quasimodo needed a sub bell ringer...

Put an ad in the paper. No one showed up for weeks.
Finally a knock on the door.
Guy standing there with no arms.
Quasi is incredulous, doesn’t think he can do it.
Guy begs..”c’mon Quasi, give me a chance...as a handicapped person yourself, you know how hard it is to find work”
Quasimodo says, “OK...it’s noon, let’s try you out”
They reach the top of the bell tower, the guy crouches down, takes a running start and slams his forehead into the bell.
BONG!
By the time he hits it 12 times, he’s woozy. Dizzy. CTE symptoms.
He stumbles, and falls off the tower and hits the ground. Splat.
By the time Quasi gets down the stairs, a crowd has gathered.
Someone asks “Does anyone know his name?”
Quasi: “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecyi00/quasimodo_needed_a_sub_bell_ringer/
%
I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecyd0x/i_recently_i_received_a_parrot_as_a_gift/
%
I'm planning on getting laser eye surgery next year!

Can't wait to see in 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecy77j/im_planning_on_getting_laser_eye_surgery_next_year/
%
My friend asked me how much a pie costs in the Bahamas

“How am I supposed to know the Pie Rates of the Caribbean?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecy76d/my_friend_asked_me_how_much_a_pie_costs_in_the/
%
Tragically, my Korean friend passed away this morning.

He was So Yung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecy69x/tragically_my_korean_friend_passed_away_this/
%
Why do horse-girls like horses so much?

Because it's the only stable relationship they'll ever have!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecy5d7/why_do_horsegirls_like_horses_so_much/
%
Costume party

Host: What are you?
Me: A harp.
Host: Your costume's too small to be a
harp.
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecy3zs/costume_party/
%
Trump: The less immigrants we let in, the better.

Pence: The fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that in public yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecy0un/trump_the_less_immigrants_we_let_in_the_better/
%
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That sounds.....like a big step.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecxxgz/i_asked_my_wife_suggestions_for_an_exercise/
%
What type of bees make milk?

Boo bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecxwhi/what_type_of_bees_make_milk/
%
Why don't Americans switch from pounds to killograms all at once?

Because it will cause mass confusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecxu4z/why_dont_americans_switch_from_pounds_to/
%
Good house cleaners aren't born..

they are maid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecxtp3/good_house_cleaners_arent_born/
%
Self-depreciating jokes are bad and they should be discouraged.

Including mine because they're the fucking worst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecxmij/selfdepreciating_jokes_are_bad_and_they_should_be/
%
What happens if a cow drinks her own milk?

It goes in one end and out the udder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecxi8w/what_happens_if_a_cow_drinks_her_own_milk/
%
Why couldn't the bicycle stand by itself?

It was two tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecxgny/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_stand_by_itself/
%
Trump: I got impeached just for humiliating Hillary

Bill Clinton: #metoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecxelq/trump_i_got_impeached_just_for_humiliating_hillary/
%
A Viking by the name of Rudolph the Red looked out his window.

He turns to his wife and says, Bring the little ones inside, it looks like its going to be a wet day. His wife says “why do you say that” he looks at her and says
“Because Rudolph the red Knows Rain Dear”
(Merry Christmas You Filthy Animals)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecxc9k/a_viking_by_the_name_of_rudolph_the_red_looked/
%
My friend once told me that type O blood used to be called type 0 blood

I guess he just made a type - O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecxas8/my_friend_once_told_me_that_type_o_blood_used_to/
%
Ok, I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.

I’ve got nothing to hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecx4n3/ok_i_admit_it_im_an_unemployed_leather_worker/
%
My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecx0rc/my_wife_screamed_you_havent_listened_to_a_single/
%
I bet my local butcher $100 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf

he said, "Sorry man, the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecwtut/i_bet_my_local_butcher_100_that_he_couldnt_reach/
%
A boy asks his dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”

His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecwswv/a_boy_asks_his_dad_one_day_dad_whats_the/
%
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub

It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecwrl1/its_a_5_minute_walk_from_my_house_to_the_pub/
%
I don’t have a girlfriend

But I know someone who would be angry if they heard me say that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecwquk/i_dont_have_a_girlfriend/
%
How big are John Flansburgh and John Linnell.

They might be giants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecwkaw/how_big_are_john_flansburgh_and_john_linnell/
%
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked me if I fancied taking part in a marathon

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.
I thought, fuck me, I might win this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecwimg/a_charity_worker_stopped_me_in_the_street_and/
%
When i was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his

We were maid for eachother .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecwd84/when_i_was_in_college_my_roommate_used_to_clean/
%
I only believe in 12.5% of what the bible says....

I guess you could say I’m an eighth-iest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecwadt/i_only_believe_in_125_of_what_the_bible_says/
%
I knew a guy who was addicted to drinking brake fluid..

He said he could stop anytime he wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecvqcw/i_knew_a_guy_who_was_addicted_to_drinking_brake/
%
There's an ultracryogenic explosive that's perfectly safe until it's cooled to absolute zero.

0 K boomer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecvk9o/theres_an_ultracryogenic_explosive_thats/
%
r/Jokes is very good at fencing.

We are the best when it comew to ripostes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecviqv/rjokes_is_very_good_at_fencing/
%
What do you call an Ethiopian child with a piece of cheddar?

A quarter-pounder with cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecvibx/what_do_you_call_an_ethiopian_child_with_a_piece/
%
What's black and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecvgzf/whats_black_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
One day Jane found Tarzan in the jungle. He was lean and muscular and she was very attracted to him. During the course of their conversation, she asked what he did for sex.

"Sex?" he asked. "What's that?"
She explained what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"
Horrified, Jane said, "Oh, Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly."
She took off her dress, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and gave her a powerful kick in the crotch with his foot. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecvgyh/one_day_jane_found_tarzan_in_the_jungle_he_was/
%
So when a girl tells her friend she has a great ass in that jeans it's okay,

But when I tell my buddy the same thing I am 'being inappropriate' and I 'should really close the coffin now'. The world we live in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecvgy4/so_when_a_girl_tells_her_friend_she_has_a_great/
%
Is it weird to to take shits in public bathrooms?

Because the dude in the stall I took it from seemed pretty creeped out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecvf2u/is_it_weird_to_to_take_shits_in_public_bathrooms/
%
A woman goes to buy a parrot

She sees three parrots with prices 100$, 120$ and 10$.
She asks the shopkeeper "why is the third one very cheap?"
The shopkeeper says "Because he used to be in a brothel"
The woman thinks that it is funny and buys that parrot. As they reach home, parrot says "Fuck me, its a new brothel". The woman laughs
When the woman's daughters comes home, parrot says "Fuck me, its two new whores". Both the girls laugh.
When the husband comes home, parrot says "Fuck me, Steve, haven't seen you in weeks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecv8j1/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot/
%
A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecv2xk/a_study_just_released_shows_that_84_percent_of/
%
A man walks up to a bar and sits down. He puts a frog on the bar next to him.

A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog sits next to him.  Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks,  "what's with the frog?"
The man looks at the woman and says,  "this is my pet frog.  He's very special."
"Why?", asked the woman.
" Well, I've taught this frog how to pleasure women orally."
The woman laughs, but the man is serious. After more drinks the woman agrees to let the man prove it.
So they go out back to the man's car, the woman drops trou, and the man places the frog between her legs and tells the frog, "Alright buddy,  go to town."
The frog just sits there doing nothing.
"Come on, man.  Don't be shy!"
Still,  the frog does nothing.
"This is your moment to shine!"
But the frog doesn't move.
So the man picks up the frog,  looks the frog in the eyes and says,  "This is the last time I'm gonna show you how to do this!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecv0kc/a_man_walks_up_to_a_bar_and_sits_down_he_puts_a/
%
What do you call a female Mandalorian?

A Manda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecuwr1/what_do_you_call_a_female_mandalorian/
%
A bespectacled man heads in for a job interview

The interview is going very well, as he is nailing all the questions.
The interviewer eventually asks him "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
The man, very prepared for this common question says: "Well, I see myself still working at this company having received a number of promotions. I would like to be in a management position by then, and be well on my way to a senior management position."
The interviewer writes this down then asks "Ok, and where do you see yourself in 2 weeks?"
The man was slightly taken aback. He had never heard this question in an interview before. "2 weeks? That's an unusual question."
The interviewer shrugged. "We like to make sure our employees focus on both long-term and short-term goals here. So what do you think?"
The man shakes his head. Pointing to his glasses, he says "I'm sorry, but unfortunately I don't have 2020 vision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecuwh3/a_bespectacled_man_heads_in_for_a_job_interview/
%
What's black and is stuck to a ceiling?

A not very good electrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecuq9k/whats_black_and_is_stuck_to_a_ceiling/
%
What do me and my house plant have in common?

We’re both dying inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eculr1/what_do_me_and_my_house_plant_have_in_common/
%
I always say “mucho” to my Spanish friends

Because I know it means a lot to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecukl4/i_always_say_mucho_to_my_spanish_friends/
%
Ned and Fred Go Fishing

Ned and Fred rent a row boat to go fishing.   It costs $20 for five hours to rent the boat.  For the first four hours, they row around the lake but find no fish.  Finally, at the last hour, they find the prefect spot and catch a lot of fish.  Fred tells Ned "Mark this spot so that next time we don't waste hours looking for fish."  Ned agrees.
On the way home, in the car, Fred asks Ned, "So, you remembered to mark that spot?"
Ned replies, "Yup, I put a big X on the bottom of the row boat!"
Fred hollers back "You IDIOT!, what if we can't rent the same boat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecubxf/ned_and_fred_go_fishing/
%
Why aren't all the Trump supporters out having a rally against his impeachment?

Their white sheets aren't clean from the last rally yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecu8ee/why_arent_all_the_trump_supporters_out_having_a/
%
What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecu46v/whats_blue_and_doesnt_weigh_much/
%
Cookie monster was happy lighting Elmo's girlfriends cake

Until he noticed there was only 3 candles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecu34d/cookie_monster_was_happy_lighting_elmos/
%
Why are there so many old people in office?

Because politics is a booming business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecu34a/why_are_there_so_many_old_people_in_office/
%
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.

So instead, a subreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecu1dn/every_day_my_teacher_reads_a_joke_from_reddit_to/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ectx5e/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
I am giving up drinking for a month.

Sorry that came out wrong.
I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ectume/i_am_giving_up_drinking_for_a_month/
%
two homeless blondes

Two homeless blondes start to live in abandoned railway carriages. They tell each other how it feels like.
The fist one says: "I don't like the 'no smoking' sign, I have to smoke outside even when it's winter."
The second one says: "I don't like the 'use the toilet only when the train is moving' sign - before I push the carriage, I shit myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ectpib/two_homeless_blondes/
%
A man walks into a bar...

The bartender greets him and says, “For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing.”
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.
The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.
“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”
He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.”
The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!”
All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky.
The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!”
The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ectjra/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did the cow say to his wife when she blocked the tv?

Moooove    over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ectgpr/what_did_the_cow_say_to_his_wife_when_she_blocked/
%
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic

So when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ectg27/i_renamed_my_ipod_the_titanic/
%
what did the librarian say after the suicidal kid tried to borrow a book on how to commit suicide

"Fuck no I know you're not going to return it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ectfix/what_did_the_librarian_say_after_the_suicidal_kid/
%
"I don't like tacos."

Said no Juan ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ectenw/i_dont_like_tacos/
%
What would Soviet Travis Scott name his album?

Cosmoworld

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ectcr6/what_would_soviet_travis_scott_name_his_album/
%
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.

Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better.
Me: But mom, I love her so much!
Mom: I'm talking to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ect6mw/me_mom_meet_my_girlfriend/
%
If anyone is spending Christmas at home alone this year, please reach out to me.

I need to borrow some chairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ect5ml/if_anyone_is_spending_christmas_at_home_alone/
%
Why did the Tiger run away from the lion?

The lion invaded the golf-course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecszp8/why_did_the_tiger_run_away_from_the_lion/
%
When you learn to think on your feet, you can make something from a mistake.

I learned from my parents...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecsy3u/when_you_learn_to_think_on_your_feet_you_can_make/
%
When life gives you melons

you're dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecsx9j/when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
Date goes well...

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: sure
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: *looking visibly scared* W-why? Who’s up there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecsx8g/date_goes_well/
%
The owl asked the most introspect question ever.

Who are you???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecsvze/the_owl_asked_the_most_introspect_question_ever/
%
I don't get why Trump is angry about being impeached

He finally got something that Obama didn't get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecsvk9/i_dont_get_why_trump_is_angry_about_being/
%
What do you call it when Santa doesn't bring you any gifts?

Hanukkah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecsrlj/what_do_you_call_it_when_santa_doesnt_bring_you/
%
I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:

"Back in my day, it was Monday".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecsqin/i_wonder_if_old_houseflies_tell_the_younger_ones/
%
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.

I assume she was poor, she only had $1 in her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecspw2/i_saw_a_poor_old_lady_fall_in_the_street_today/
%
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards."

Me: "And?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecsod8/doctor_sir_im_afraid_your_dna_is_backwards/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand binary, and those who don’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecsk1p/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
My son just learned that 2+7 is 3!

I really need to work on his penmanship...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecshkg/my_son_just_learned_that_27_is_3/
%
What's the best thing to say to a female soldier after sex? [Possibly NSFW]

"Thank you for your cervix."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecsecc/whats_the_best_thing_to_say_to_a_female_soldier/
%
My dad said there'd been an explosion at the potassium factory.

K boomer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecse9q/my_dad_said_thered_been_an_explosion_at_the/
%
I don’t always have sex while I’m camping

But when I do it’s fucking in tents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecsdm5/i_dont_always_have_sex_while_im_camping/
%
I developed a fetish for figuring things out

I just came to that realization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecs7wc/i_developed_a_fetish_for_figuring_things_out/
%
The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.

When thrown at a close-range, especially.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecs6tc/the_holy_bible_is_proven_to_be_100_accurate/
%
What's the difference between a boomerang and my dad?

The boomerang came back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecs619/whats_the_difference_between_a_boomerang_and_my/
%
Pilot is welcoming the passengers on the plane

Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is... " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off,
"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,...It's burning.. This is going to hurt... It's burning."
A ghostly silence reigned in cabin. After a couple of minutes, he gets back on the microphone, talking to the passengers, "I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap... you should see my pants."
One passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecs5dz/pilot_is_welcoming_the_passengers_on_the_plane/
%
(Partial NSFW) I work at an abattoir and shot 3 pigs today.

I would have shot more but I had to go to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecrvrk/partial_nsfw_i_work_at_an_abattoir_and_shot_3/
%
Someone broke 2/3 of my window on their way into my house

ow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecrrnl/someone_broke_23_of_my_window_on_their_way_into/
%
Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?

Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecrrd2/why_is_donald_trump_happy_about_the_impeachment/
%
I've had this boner for 2 days now

Its giving me a really hard time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecrq8p/ive_had_this_boner_for_2_days_now/
%
A redditor come back home

just to find all of his heaters are gone but doesn't know who took them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecrh9s/a_redditor_come_back_home/
%
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.

Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecred2/some_people_are_so_ignorant_about_anatomy/
%
A guy is sitting in a bar looking downcast

His friend says, "What's the matter, Sammy?"
Sammy says, "Well, it's pretty bad. My wife just cut me down to sex once a month."
"Wow. That's awful, but don't feel bad. I know guys she's cut out all together."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecrbwc/a_guy_is_sitting_in_a_bar_looking_downcast/
%
What do Mt Everest and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecrb1d/what_do_mt_everest_and_the_sixth_sense_have_in/
%
On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can you please let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecraml/on_a_serious_note_if_anybody_knows_of_any_lonely/
%
I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day

Then when I looked again it said ‘thick cut’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecraj0/i_thought_i_saw_your_name_on_a_loaf_of_bread_the/
%
What kind of Bathrooms do Eskimos use?

IgLoos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecraid/what_kind_of_bathrooms_do_eskimos_use/
%
Why does Gordon Ramsay not like WWE on Monday Nights?

Because its RAW!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecqyfi/why_does_gordon_ramsay_not_like_wwe_on_monday/
%
What console do frenchmen play on?

Wii
Yes, I know this is a dad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecqy3s/what_console_do_frenchmen_play_on/
%
What do you tell Drake if he says something stupid?

Ok groomer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecquo6/what_do_you_tell_drake_if_he_says_something_stupid/
%
"Your mom" jokes are getting old so here's a "your dad" joke to shake things up.

Your dad is so horny that he called 911 to ask for a police escort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecqua1/your_mom_jokes_are_getting_old_so_heres_a_your/
%
Where do bees go to the bathroom?

THE BP STATION!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecqt9u/where_do_bees_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
Did you hear about the Buddhist gynecologist?

He knows how to find the chi spot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecqmb2/did_you_hear_about_the_buddhist_gynecologist/
%
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.

So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture towait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. "What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion? " asked the chief. "Forget the damn lion! " he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecqbs1/a_small_village_was_troubled_by_a_maneating_lion/
%
You wanna see my belt of watches?

Nevermind it would be a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecq7ji/you_wanna_see_my_belt_of_watches/
%
A man is chasing a leprechaun through a field when finally he catches him

The leprechaun makes a deal with the man. If the man let's him go he'll grant him 3 wishes. The man agrees and states "for my first wish I'll have a pint of Guinness that never runs out". The leprechaun wiggles his fingers and... Bam! A glass of Guinness appears. The man drinks it down, and it refills, he drinks another, and another. The leprechaun getting impatent says "I don't got all day here what's the other wishes?". The man thinks for a minute and says "ah shite I guess I'll take two more of these".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecq6pl/a_man_is_chasing_a_leprechaun_through_a_field/
%
What do you call it when a group of musicians give each other an STD?

Band-Aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecq6g7/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_group_of_musicians/
%
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

It's two tyred...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecq02v/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecpywi/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
%
It's not POTUS anymore

It's IMPOTUS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecpy9n/its_not_potus_anymore/
%
Who is Santa's favourite singer?

Elf-ish Presley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecpumx/who_is_santas_favourite_singer/
%
Can finally say I'm single by choice

Women's choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecpqjk/can_finally_say_im_single_by_choice/
%
Drunk driver

Police officer to a drunk driver: How high are you?
Driver : it is "Hi, How are you", sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecppwu/drunk_driver/
%
What do you call a dorito once you eat it?

A donerito.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecplhl/what_do_you_call_a_dorito_once_you_eat_it/
%
A rich friend heard that his poor friend fell ill after drinking bad water from a river. He sent his friend a fruit basket and a card.

Get well soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecpl1q/a_rich_friend_heard_that_his_poor_friend_fell_ill/
%
Soviet Premier Brezhnev, as is his habit, looks out the window of his Kremlin office at the morning sun.

"Good morning, Comrade sun" he says.  The sun answers, "Good morning, Comrade Premier."
About noon Brezhnev looks up through the skylight and says, "Good day, Comrade sun."  The sun dutifully answers "Good day, Comrade Premier."
In the afternoon Brezhnev peers out his window at the setting sun and says, "Good afternoon, Comrade sun."  "Fuck you, Brezhnev" says the sun.  "I'm in the West now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecpkwn/soviet_premier_brezhnev_as_is_his_habit_looks_out/
%
A lot of people with one eye patch were pirates, but why were people with two eye patches never pirates?

Because they can't sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecpjxo/a_lot_of_people_with_one_eye_patch_were_pirates/
%
Why did Frosty go and live in the middle of the ocean?

Because snowman is an island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecpi0w/why_did_frosty_go_and_live_in_the_middle_of_the/
%
Is it a happy impeachment

Or a merry impeachment?
I wouldn’t want to offend anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecpbeg/is_it_a_happy_impeachment/
%
My idiot neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM... who does that??

Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecp9pg/my_idiot_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_at_3am_who/
%
I've got an E.T..

Not the alien, an extra testicle..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecp8q5/ive_got_an_et/
%
Hope this original, but prob not

Yo momma so old her first birthday gift was a fucking rib bone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecp780/hope_this_original_but_prob_not/
%
Why are crippled people always picked on?

because they can’t stand up for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecp60p/why_are_crippled_people_always_picked_on/
%
I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren't even related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecp40u/i_couldnt_join_the_kkk_if_i_wanted_to_my/
%
I like my women like i like my chicken

Dead and stuffed inside of a freezer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecp3hx/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_chicken/
%
It's hard to tell jokes/puns to kleptomaniacs,

Since they take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecp379/its_hard_to_tell_jokespuns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for

He said 'Genius'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecp357/donald_trump_was_asked_what_the_j_in_donald_j/
%
The biggest problem I’ve been having after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s is after I wake up

I don’t know if the women in bed is my wife or if I should pay her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecp2yo/the_biggest_problem_ive_been_having_after_being/
%
Did you hear about Ben & Jerry’s new limited edition Ice Cream flavor?

Peach Mint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecp2w5/did_you_hear_about_ben_jerrys_new_limited_edition/
%
Donald J. Trump has been impeached

He was already an orange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecp2ou/donald_j_trump_has_been_impeached/
%
balls

A man was born with 3 testicles, and he barely told anyone.
One day, he can't keep this secret no more, he approach to a guy and say : "You and I have 5 balls totally you know?"
The man surprised and said : "You only got one testicle?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecowfr/balls/
%
What is Mrs. Claus supposed to get the man with everything for Xmas?

The bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecovux/what_is_mrs_claus_supposed_to_get_the_man_with/
%
Trump has been Impeached

Finally, I'm sick of him looking like an orange

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecovkw/trump_has_been_impeached/
%
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

An affront to God and man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecouwa/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_and_a/
%
What does Trump call a bunch of rich old white guys in prison jumpsuits?

Staff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecotym/what_does_trump_call_a_bunch_of_rich_old_white/
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I have to say after watching the impeachment voting...

This has to be the most interesting season of the apprentice yet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecos6f/i_have_to_say_after_watching_the_impeachment/
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My girlfriend, Serenity, asked me to guess her overweight sister’s name

Her other sisters name was Charity, so it was obvious to me what her the overweight sisters name would be
Update: My girlfriend is yelling at me. Apparently her name was harmony, not obesity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecopb5/my_girlfriend_serenity_asked_me_to_guess_her/
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Have you guys seen that peloton commercial where the wife is super stoked to get an exercise bike for Christmas?

Also, does anybody have a couch I could crash on for a few days?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecol8t/have_you_guys_seen_that_peloton_commercial_where/
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Donald Trump found out about impeachment tonight coming after him.

Donald Trump: "Was she the stripper from Georgia? Write her a check."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecokib/donald_trump_found_out_about_impeachment_tonight/
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What's worse then sitting on Micheal Jackson's lap?

Still sitting on it when he stands up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecojv3/whats_worse_then_sitting_on_micheal_jacksons_lap/
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done  any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or  something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned  a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's  owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his  front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to  bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. 		The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few  minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and  also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on  its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the  room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,  the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and   the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecoj5l/a_woman_brought_a_very_limp_duck_into_a/
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Hey guys if you know anyone who's spending Christmas alone because they don't have friends or family let me know!

Because I'd need to borrow them some chairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecoi8j/hey_guys_if_you_know_anyone_whos_spending/
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Date goes well...

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: sure
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: *looking visibly scared* W-why? Who’s up there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecoi6q/date_goes_well/
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Anal sex is a lot like my first car...

I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecoi19/anal_sex_is_a_lot_like_my_first_car/
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What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a anal thermometer ?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecoftb/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
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What do they call a depressed barrier?

Saddam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecoe5e/what_do_they_call_a_depressed_barrier/
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Guy goes to a psychiatrist for 3 months

Success! You’re cured says the psychiatrist!!!
Why the depressed face?
The guy responds...
3 months ago I was Julius Caesar, Today I’m a nobody...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecodpn/guy_goes_to_a_psychiatrist_for_3_months/
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What does Trump say when someone says he's orange?

I'm not orange, impeached!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecoadi/what_does_trump_say_when_someone_says_hes_orange/
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One day Little Johnny's mother picks him up from school

As they drive away, Johnny tells his mother, "today I had sex with a teacher".
Filled with rage, Little Johnny's mother says "wait til we tell your father when he gets home, we'll sue everyone in the school district. From the superintendent to the janitor".
Later that day Johnny's father arrives home and Johnny's mother tells him the news. He is outraged and says he will go talk with Johnny.
After entering Johnny's room, he closes the door behind him and gives Johnny a high five. "Son, I can't believe it, you had sex with your teacher. When I was a boy, all the kids dreamed about something like that. What do you say we go out and celebrate".
Little Johnny says, "Sure, why not"
Johnny's dad takes him out for ice cream and as they are finishing their 2nd bowl, he thinks to himself this ain't enough.
"Hey Johnny, how would you like a new bicycle?".
"Sure, why not", Johnny says.
They go to the local bike shop and Johnny's father picks out the best bike they have and gets all the bells and whistles.
When they get home, Johnny takes his new bike, puts it in the garage and starts walking towards the house.
Johnny's father is shocked. "Hey Johnny, don't you want to try out your new bike?"
Little Johnny says, "Maybe later, my asshole is still sore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eco7la/one_day_little_johnnys_mother_picks_him_up_from/
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I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eco3d2/i_was_digging_in_our_garden_when_i_found_a_chest/
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Last night they had a seminar on how to withhold orgasms...

Nobody came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eco2l7/last_night_they_had_a_seminar_on_how_to_withhold/
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To me, a good steak is just like sex.

Very rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecnz8y/to_me_a_good_steak_is_just_like_sex/
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How do you pronounce that word?

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly beautiful waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs  that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?
"He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful
frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie. "
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again. "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecny5y/how_do_you_pronounce_that_word/
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Donald John Trump is the 3rd President in American history to be impeached

Well at least he finally won the popular vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecnw8e/donald_john_trump_is_the_3rd_president_in/
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What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everybody.
A bitch sleeps with everybody ...but you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecnqo5/whats_the_difference_between_a_bitch_and_a_whore/
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A friend of mine just improved one of my all time favorites.

Why don't you ever ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are very good at it
-
Why do some elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in apple trees.
-
What is the loudest sound in the forest?
A squirrel eating apples.
-
I told this joke to a friend of mine, and he was a bit confused. He asked me, "Why a squirrel? They don't eat apples, they eat nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecnplc/a_friend_of_mine_just_improved_one_of_my_all_time/
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[At proctologist’s office] Me: *unzipping pants nervously*

Doctor: You’re understandably nervous, but please zip my pants back up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecnndl/at_proctologists_office_me_unzipping_pants/
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Light travels faster than sound.

That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecnn8m/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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What do toy trains and titties have in common?

They are both meant for the kids but it's usually the dad that ends up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecnjq0/what_do_toy_trains_and_titties_have_in_common/
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Two old women sat on a park bench.

A man in a trench coat approached and flashed them.
One old woman immediately had a stroke.
The other old woman, couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecnj76/two_old_women_sat_on_a_park_bench/
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I hate the musical Cats, so I'm loving these reviews

Seeing the movie so panned is just meowsic to my ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecngnl/i_hate_the_musical_cats_so_im_loving_these_reviews/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and chickpea?

I've never had garbanzo bean on my face before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecnfpa/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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Once I was chased by a serial killer.

We were both running for my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecn3ua/once_i_was_chased_by_a_serial_killer/
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I'm a literal genius. I finished this super hard puzzle in only 6 months!

The box said 2-4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecmn0u/im_a_literal_genius_i_finished_this_super_hard/
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Sex with me is a lot like beanie babies.

It's fucking worthless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecmlr5/sex_with_me_is_a_lot_like_beanie_babies/
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Two old men meet every morning on a park bench after religious services.

One day one of the old men shows up with a black eye.
The other guy says “What happened”
He says “ I was at mass, and a beautiful young woman was in the pew in front of me. About halfway through, I noticed her short skirt had gotten wedged in between her ass cheeks.  After a while, I couldn’t help myself, so when we were kneeling, I reached over the back of the pew and just sort of tugged it out. She was horrified, and she turned around and belted me!”
They both shrugged, and got on with their day.
The next day, the man shows up with 2 black eyes!
The other guy says “what happened this time?!?”
He says..”same girl at mass this morning...short skirt...it gets wedged in between her ass cheeks. After a while, the guy next to me can’t take it anymore and reaches over and tugs it out. I knew she doesn’t like it like that, so I pushed it back in!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecmjgk/two_old_men_meet_every_morning_on_a_park_bench/
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You know that awkward moment when you're cumming and your mom starts calling you?

Me neither, when I masturbate I normally am the one who calls out her name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecmfjg/you_know_that_awkward_moment_when_youre_cumming/
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What do you get when cross Elton John with a sabertoothed tiger?

I don't know, but you better keep it away from your ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecmf8l/what_do_you_get_when_cross_elton_john_with_a/
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3 guys are on a bus going to prison. Each of them were allowed to bring 1 item from home.

They're discussing what they are bringing with them to prison. The first guy says "well, I bought a deck of cards. I figure I can play solitaire when I'm bored, I can gamble to make money in there, and learn magic tricks to entertain people".
The second guy pulls out his guitar. He says "well I can practice guitar, I can maybe play songs make some money, and I can actually use the strings for a tattoo machine so I can make some money with that, too.
The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. The other two turn to him and ask him what the hell he's going to do with a box of tampons?? He tells them "well according to this, I can swim, go jogging, go hiking, and even ride a horse!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecmdjn/3_guys_are_on_a_bus_going_to_prison_each_of_them/
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Donald J. Trump has been impeached

Finally, something he's earned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecmd58/donald_j_trump_has_been_impeached/
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My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

“Son, you’re going to have to stop money laundering.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eclxlp/my_dad_come_up_to_my_room_and_handed_me_my/
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I've just found out my mom is a prostitute, and I'm disgusted

That she doesn't do family discount

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eclrh5/ive_just_found_out_my_mom_is_a_prostitute_and_im/
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A fisherman and his wife had two children: a boy and a girl.

They were deciding what to name the children, when the fisherman noticed that every time they stood on the balcony, the boy looked towards the ocean and the girl looked away from the ocean. So the boy was named Towards and the girl was named Away.
Years later, the fisherman decided to take Towards and Away on their first fishing trip. A week after they left, the fisherman came back completely alone.
"What happened to our children?" asked the fisherman's wife.
The fisherman burst into tears. "It was ghastly," he said. "Three days into our voyage, an huge fish swallowed Towards whole. We pulled the enormous fish out of the ocean and cut it open, but our sweet little boy was already dead. We figured that at least we had caught a whopper, and the fish fed us for the rest of the trip."
"That must have been one big fish," said the wife.
"You think that fish was big?" replied the husband. "You should have seen the one that got Away!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eclfw4/a_fisherman_and_his_wife_had_two_children_a_boy/
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What is the difference between a Lightbulb and a Pregnant Woman?

The difference is you can unscrew a lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecld7b/what_is_the_difference_between_a_lightbulb_and_a/
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A panda walks into a bar.

He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
"**Panda**: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecl64f/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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A guy starts dating a new girl...

A guy starts dating a new girl and his first time meeting her parents is over Christmas dinner.
They are all seated around the table and he suddenly has the urge to fart and can’t hold it any longer so he lets it go. It’s semi loud and smells terrible.
The dad looks over at the dog sitting below him and goes “Rex!!”
The dude thinks “this is amazing he’s blaming it on the dog”. 10 mins later same thing. Dad yells “Rex!!”. The guy couldn’t be happier.
20 mins later he lets another one go that smells wayyy worse than the first 2. The dad looks over at the dog and says.  “Rex get the hell outta there before he shits on ya!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eckwao/a_guy_starts_dating_a_new_girl/
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My brother who is finally mastering how English puns works was so proud of this one. WHAT DO YOU CALL A FROZEN PAIR OF PANTIES ONCE IT DEFROSTS?

THAWNG.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eckrex/my_brother_who_is_finally_mastering_how_english/
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I had a phone interview today and someone told me "to just be myself”

so I didn't answer the call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eckoem/i_had_a_phone_interview_today_and_someone_told_me/
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Once upon a time

in a far away land there was a noble king and his beautiful, pregnant wife. The king was much loved by his people, but he had an intensely jealous brother. Envious that the birth of the prince would mean he would never rule, the brother sought the help of an evil witch. The witch cursed the unborn child, causing him to have no sense of humor at all. You see this kingdom, being a magical sort, had an ancient and unyielding law saying that a man who could not laugh could not rule. And so years passed and the king fell ill and yet the prince had never laughed. Desperate that the passing of the king would lead to the rule of his evil brother the queen sent out a proclamation: there was to be a contest between the 10 best wordsmiths, jesters, bards, and comedians and if any could construct a joke which could make the prince laugh, that man would be richly rewarded for the rest of his life. For weeks, the contestants practiced and planned and finally the ten best jokes were presented to the prince. The assembled audience laughed and cried and rolled on the ground with mirth and when the last joke had been told they eagerly looked to the prince, sure that at least one of the masterful jokes had succeeded but sadly... No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eckmt4/once_upon_a_time/
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A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?"
"Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eckks8/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
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I would tell you a Trump joke...

But it’s border line offensive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eckkrv/i_would_tell_you_a_trump_joke/
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What’s a Chad’s favorite element?

Bromine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecketl/whats_a_chads_favorite_element/
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My grandad just passed away...

We were really close and he was always competitive with me. No matter what game we played, tennis, cards, or even Xbox he would always try to win.
So it was only fitting that, and I’ll never forget this, on his death bed, as he breathed his last breath. He looked at me in the eyes and said...
"Staring contest... GO."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecked6/my_grandad_just_passed_away/
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The last airbender has returned to us, but he is really old

Boomer aang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eck8tf/the_last_airbender_has_returned_to_us_but_he_is/
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A fruit and a vegetable stroll into a bar.

The bartender calls out :
"Oh, anything the matter? You look confused today, tomato"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eck2tx/a_fruit_and_a_vegetable_stroll_into_a_bar/
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Why did the dyslexic person drink the potion?

Because it was the only option

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecjoad/why_did_the_dyslexic_person_drink_the_potion/
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I’ll never forget the first time we met.

But I’ll keep trying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecjlg6/ill_never_forget_the_first_time_we_met/
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Do you know how we call rival towns?

Adver-City

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecjlc3/do_you_know_how_we_call_rival_towns/
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Light travels faster than sound

which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecjkr0/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
Obituary...

...of a Premature Ejaculator:
"He left as fast as he came."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecjjuv/obituary/
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If your brain was dynamite,

there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecjiuv/if_your_brain_was_dynamite/
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High IQ

There are four people on a plane. They are a Donald Trump, Stephen Curry, the Pope, and a kid.
Suddenly, the plane’s pilot dies. There are only three parachutes on the plane.
Donald Trump says “ I am America’s smartest president. I need a parachute so I can lead the people.
Steph Curry says “I have millions of fans who love me. I need a parachute to play for them.
The Pope says to the schoolboy, “ I am old and have already lived my life. You should take the last parachute.”
The boy replies, “That’s alright, because America’s smartest president jumped with my backpack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecjclg/high_iq/
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What do you call an ape that explodes, but comes back

A Boomarangatang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecjaih/what_do_you_call_an_ape_that_explodes_but_comes/
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What do you call it when your kids teach you something?

Learning from your mistakes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecj5l3/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_kids_teach_you/
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You know what I hate?

People who answer their own questions. Utterly despise them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecj2ff/you_know_what_i_hate/
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Two old Jews are walking past a church

A sign out front reads, "Convert to Catholicism, get $20."
The first Jew keeps walking, but soon notices his friend has stopped to take a closer look at the sign.
"You're not actually thinking about doing that, are you?" he asks his friend.
The second Jew turns back and says, "I don't know, twenty dollars is twenty dollars." He goes inside the Church, and comes back out about thirty minutes later.
"So," says the first Jew, "did you get the twenty dollars?"
The second Jew turns to his friend and says, "Oy, is that all you people think about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecj1f0/two_old_jews_are_walking_past_a_church/
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My last girlfriend told me something so horrible that I cried three weeks straights and still have nightmares with her saying those horrible words that hurt my soul so bad

She said I was too sensitive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eciwba/my_last_girlfriend_told_me_something_so_horrible/
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A Holocaust survivor dies 30 years after the war.

When he gets to heaven god asks him to tell a holocaust joke.
The Survivor proceeds to tell him one.
God says "That wasn't funny at all"
The survivor says "I guess you had to be there"
Stolen from somewhere recently, too good to not share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eciivv/a_holocaust_survivor_dies_30_years_after_the_war/
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Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the hell out of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eci9ml/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
%
A man walks into a bar and approaches a woman

He asks, "would you sleep with me for $100,000?"
She replies "sure!"
And then he asks "ok, how about $10"?
She says "what kind of girl do you think I am?"
He replies "we already established that, what I am doing now is bargaining"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eci8j6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_approaches_a_woman/
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Merry Christmas everybody!

One day four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?"
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eci7c1/merry_christmas_everybody/
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Her: They're charging a dollar to pump up your tires now

Me: That's inflation for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eci2lu/her_theyre_charging_a_dollar_to_pump_up_your/
%
You know why black people love watching sports?

Easy, cause they dominate that shit.
It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/echzxn/you_know_why_black_people_love_watching_sports/
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What do you do if someone is trying to murder you?

You go into the living room!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/echqes/what_do_you_do_if_someone_is_trying_to_murder_you/
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Wait for it

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."
So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."
Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."
"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."
"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."
So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."
"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."
"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."
Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."
"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."
"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."
So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."
Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself
"Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says:
"Hey. Why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/echoem/wait_for_it/
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What did the Pikachu say to the fireman?

"Pikachu"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/echnyt/what_did_the_pikachu_say_to_the_fireman/
%
Living in London society in “1984” be like...

“Begone, thoughts!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/echgd9/living_in_london_society_in_1984_be_like/
%
A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "MyPenis".
The wife fell on the ground laughing as it said on the screen "Error. Not long enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/echfm5/a_husband_and_wife_were_trying_to_set_up_a_new/
%
Just found an origami porn channel.

But it is paper view only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/echd4c/just_found_an_origami_porn_channel/
%
There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.
No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/echd12/there_were_11_people_hanging_on_to_a_single_rope/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ech981/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
What do you call a parent who denies their child birth control?

Grandparent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ech38y/what_do_you_call_a_parent_who_denies_their_child/
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“Playing Truck Driver”

One day this man had gotten home from work and saw this boy in his neighborhood sitting outside on the sidewalk with a bag of M&Ms and an Alley Cat.
The little boy ate a couple M&Ms, bit the cat, moved 3 feet, ate some more M&Ms then bit the cat again.
The man confused as hell kept watch as the boy continued doing this pattern for a few minutes.
Finally the man walked over to the little boy and goes “Son, what in the world are you doing?”
He replies back, “I’m playing Truck Driver”
The man baffled says back “What the hell do you mean you’re playing Truck Driver?”
The little boy goes “I’m popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on down the road!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ech03d/playing_truck_driver/
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I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecgw1h/i_was_embarrassed_when_my_wife_found_out_that_i/
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Two Jehovah's Witnesses die and go to Heaven.

As they're knocking at the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers...
"Turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!!  Maybe they'll think we're not home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecguf1/two_jehovahs_witnesses_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
My blood tests came back positive.

I definitely have blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecgtq6/my_blood_tests_came_back_positive/
%
Just lost my job as a zookeeper

In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecgr6n/just_lost_my_job_as_a_zookeeper/
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A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecgm0i/a_little_boy_was_attending_his_first_wedding/
%
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?

A fizzician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecgk87/what_kind_of_doctor_is_dr_pepper/
%
In 2020 we're going to have an entire year of bad puns about perfect vision.

I can see it clearly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecgip7/in_2020_were_going_to_have_an_entire_year_of_bad/
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Obi-Wan Kenobi started a marijuana dispensary on Tatooine. What's it called?

The High Ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecgbtl/obiwan_kenobi_started_a_marijuana_dispensary_on/
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What's the worst part about having sex with a miner?

Their headlamp always shines right in your eyes!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecg7j6/whats_the_worst_part_about_having_sex_with_a_miner/
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I don't understand why people like threesomes so much

If i want to dissapoint 2 people at the same time i just go and see my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecg5q9/i_dont_understand_why_people_like_threesomes_so/
%
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.

They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecg2on/i_told_my_asian_parents_that_i_am_asexual/
%
Don't trust people called Toby

They are tobiased

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecfodu/dont_trust_people_called_toby/
%
Date goes well...

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: sure
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: *looking visibly scared* W-why? Who’s up there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecfa9w/date_goes_well/
%
Donald Duck was walking trough Mario's castle

When He saw the princess He said:
Hi Daisy!
To wich She replied:
I'm Peach Donald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecf66n/donald_duck_was_walking_trough_marios_castle/
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A country singers truck

With the evolution of self driving cars it’s not gonna take long before a country singers truck leaves him as well as his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecf5xl/a_country_singers_truck/
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A Black man walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder...

The bartender says "That's something real special you have! Where'd you get it?"
"Africa!" says the parrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eceyex/a_black_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_beautiful/
%
After NNN, I decided to first shave my pubes and then masturbate.

I was done beating around the bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecevic/after_nnn_i_decided_to_first_shave_my_pubes_and/
%
Good luck on your exams!

Specially if you are here and not studying!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eceu3e/good_luck_on_your_exams/
%
A salesman comes knocking...

After a fair bit of time and some noises that sounded like stumbling about, the door opens.
Coming from the house was loud jazz flute music and the distinct smell of weed.
The salesman looked down to see a kid standing impatiently at the door with what looked to be an exhausted meth-head prostitute on his arm and a cigar in his mouth. Kid couldn’t have been older than 9.
This kid was wearing knee high boots, suspenders, Y-fronts, a ‘Frankie says Relax’ t-shirt, under a stained smoking jacket that was way too big for him and a pair of 1950’s cat-like sunglasses.
Kid: Yes?
Salesman: Oh, err hello young man.
Kid: What do you want? I’m a bit busy mate...
Salesman: (Awkward laugh) Heh...err....are your parents...home?
Kid: (lowers shades and leans in) Does it fucking look like my parents are home?
I don’t know if this joke works written down but when I first heard it, I loved it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eceu13/a_salesman_comes_knocking/
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Relationships are like revolving doors

You just have to find the right time to sneak in and out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eceqfl/relationships_are_like_revolving_doors/
%
Why did Hitler kill himself?

Because he saw the gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eceotp/why_did_hitler_kill_himself/
%
Billie Eilish just turned 18...

...now she’s too old for Drake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecen46/billie_eilish_just_turned_18/
%
Dogs are either one of two things...

A bitch or a son of a bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecem7s/dogs_are_either_one_of_two_things/
%
I eat pussy like I smoke cigarettes.

All the way to the butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecejzv/i_eat_pussy_like_i_smoke_cigarettes/
%
What do you call a wizard who only uses his magic to revive dead cats?

A Nekomancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ece8s3/what_do_you_call_a_wizard_who_only_uses_his_magic/
%
Why does Santa Claus always carry that big bag of gifts?

That’s just how he presents himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecdrgz/why_does_santa_claus_always_carry_that_big_bag_of/
%
In a remote village, the local church found itself in need of a bell ringer.

The priest sent out the word, and soon enough a young man he had never met before showed up at the door.
"Father, I would be honored to take the job of sounding the church bell for you," he said.
"Very well," said the priest, "but first I would like you to show me your skills. We're very particular about how the bell is rung and I want to be sure you know what you're doing before I give you the job."
So up many flights of stairs they went, up into the bell tower. Once at the top the priest says, "Ok son, let me see what you can do."
The young man leans his head back and smacks it full force into the bell, causing it to ring out beautifully. The priest is shocked - not only had he never seen someone do such a thing before, he had never heard the bell sound so amazing. "Wow!" he said, "can you please show me that again?"
"Certainly, says the young man. He proceeds to wind up and smack his face into the bell again, and once again it rings out beautifully across the town. Unfortunately, as the bell swings back, it catches the young man full force, knocking him off the tower, several stories down to his death.
Mortified, the priest rushes down to the ground where a crowd has already gathered around the body of the mysterious young man. "Father, Father!" they cry. "What happened? Do you know who this is?"
"No, I have no idea who he is," the priest replies, "but his face rings a bell."
Now you may thing that this sad tale is over, but that would not be the case for the church was still in need of a bell ringer and the very next day another young man showed up at the door requesting the position. The priest was still in a bit of a shock from what happened the day before, but he was eager to find someone to take the job so welcomed him inside.
"I do feel I should let you know, Father," the young man said as he walked into the church, "the man who fell to his death yesterday was my older brother."
Understandably this made the priest a bit uncomfortable. "Are you sure you want this job then? It wouldn't put you an an awkward position?"
"Oh yes, Father, I'm sure, it would be a great honor," the young man reassured him.
"Okay then, but I do need to see that you know what you're doing first, please follow me," said the priest, and they headed up the bell tower. Once at the top the priest asks to see the young man's bell ringing ability.
The young man pulls back his head and smacks his face full force into the bell, just like his brother. And once again the bell rings out in the most amazing way. The priest is dumbfounded but nervously asks, "can you show me that again?"
"Of course!" says the young man and obliges. His fate was written though as the bell rang out wonderfully but swung back, catching him full force, and catapulting him off the tower to his death. Once again horrified, the priest ran down the tower as quickly as he could. By the time he got to the ground, there was an even bigger crowd gathered around the body.
"Father! Father!" the crowd yelled. "What's going on here? Now who is this dead man?"
The priest was shaking from the experience and answered, "I have no idea, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecdqx0/in_a_remote_village_the_local_church_found_itself/
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WIFE: I’ve thought about it, and I’ve decided I’m just not a kid person.

**ME:** Hey... *[taking her hand]* the word you’re looking for is “adult.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecdq3t/wife_ive_thought_about_it_and_ive_decided_im_just/
%
A Blonde Phone Call to Mom

Hi Mom, it's me.
"Hi Sally, are you okay?
I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store, looking for a drill."
"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you."
"Oh my god, what happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face."
"What on earth . . . Why did you do that?"
"Well, it really wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black and Decker. Mom, I knocked the shit out of her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecdkn7/a_blonde_phone_call_to_mom/
%
There was a spider in our house

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out.
Had a few drinks.
Nice guy.
He’s a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecdk2m/there_was_a_spider_in_our_house/
%
Louder!

A redneck is walking on the beach. He comes across two beautiful college girls.
The redneck says, "Hey, where y'all from?"
The two girls reply, "Yale."
The redneck then yells, "HEY, WHERE Y'ALL FROM!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecd4py/louder/
%
The bartender says, "we don't serve time travellers in here".

A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecd0rc/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travellers/
%
I named my eraser Confidence...

Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eccwaf/i_named_my_eraser_confidence/
%
A pun, a play on words, and a Limerick walk into a bar.

No joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eccvwf/a_pun_a_play_on_words_and_a_limerick_walk_into_a/
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The Missing Cock [nsfw]

The village priest went out to collect his freshly laid eggs on Sunday morning and realised his cockerel was missing.
At morning service he decided to ask his parishioners if they had seen it.
"Has anyone got a cock?" the priest asked.
All the men stood up!
"No, no," said the priest, "I meant has anyone seen a cock this morning?"
All the women stood up!
"No, no," said the priest again, "I meant, has anyone seen a cock that doesnt belong to them?"
Half of the women stood up!
"No, no, no!" exclaimed the priest. "What I meant was, has anyone seen my cock this
morning?"
The altar boys and organist all stood up and the priest fainted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eccu10/the_missing_cock_nsfw/
%
I’m being accused of shoplifting.

I take it they’re not happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eccsem/im_being_accused_of_shoplifting/
%
I think my deaf friend wants to update her computer. But her sign language interpreter is giving me mixed signals.

I think she needs a better processor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eccn1b/i_think_my_deaf_friend_wants_to_update_her/
%
What's Devin Nunes favorite kind of cow?

Moscow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eccgn7/whats_devin_nunes_favorite_kind_of_cow/
%
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

A: Swimming trunks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eccbvt/q_what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_fish_and_an/
%
If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecc7qo/if_there_was_a_competition_for_saggy_tits_my_wife/
%
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecc7ke/why_does_the_norwegian_navy_have_barcodes_on_the/
%
Why did the waiter's computer system not work?

Because of a server error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecc51j/why_did_the_waiters_computer_system_not_work/
%
My kid, who's into astronomy asked me how stars die

"Usually from suicide or overdose, son" i told him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecc2h7/my_kid_whos_into_astronomy_asked_me_how_stars_die/
%
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy ?

Add Spring Water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecbxwi/how_do_you_make_a_waterbed_more_bouncy/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from all the reposts on this sub...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecbxhz/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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My new years resolution is

1920x1080

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecbw7u/my_new_years_resolution_is/
%
honey

Husband embraced wife from behind, said : "I love you, honey."
The wife gigled and said : "What are you, Winnie the Pooh?"
The husband shocked and stood back, his eye is full of hurt and been betrayed
The wife noticed immediately and apologized : "I'm sorry, General secretary...I didn't mean..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecbv82/honey/
%
My math teacher never goes outside.

I can tell, cos there’s no sin of his tan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecbpac/my_math_teacher_never_goes_outside/
%
I told a communism joke

Nobody laughed, they said it didn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecboia/i_told_a_communism_joke/
%
Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response-ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecbnkf/why_is_spiderman_so_good_at_comebacks/
%
I'm cutting you off

You've been bungee jumping too much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecbktm/im_cutting_you_off/
%
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecbjad/whats_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
%
A son asks his father what is the meaning of "in practice" and "in theory"

"Il show you son. Call your sister." Says the father
"Daughter would you sleep with a man for a million dollars?" Asks the father
"Yes of course, that is a once in a life time opportunity!" Answers the daughter
"Okay son now call your grandmother" Says the father
"Grandma would you sleep with a man for a million dollars?" Asks the father
"Yes I would! I would do it for you so the family can thrive financially!" Answers the grandmother
"Okay son now call your mother" Says the father
"Wife, would you sleep with a man for a million dollars?" Asks the father
"Yes! We could buy a bigger house and have loads of vacations!" Answers the mother
The father looks at his son and responds
"See son, in theory, we are millionaires but in practice 3 whores live in our house!"
My dad told me this joke, it sounded better in our mother tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecbgfk/a_son_asks_his_father_what_is_the_meaning_of_in/
%
Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda
"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"
"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecbcqa/two_old_jews_are_sitting_in_a_park_and_reading/
%
I popped into Lowe's today to get some grass seed for my yard.

Me: I'm looking for some grass seed but I want something that's easy to maintain.
Employee: Oh then you will want our new brand of emo grass.
Me: What's so special about emo grass?
Employee: there's no upkeep, it cuts itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecbavu/i_popped_into_lowes_today_to_get_some_grass_seed/
%
The titanic went down in 60 seconds

Let that sink in for a minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecatec/the_titanic_went_down_in_60_seconds/
%
My Girlfriend just told me she has an STD...

I'm Gonorrhoea.. valuate our relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecaquq/my_girlfriend_just_told_me_she_has_an_std/
%
Foucault: Schools serve the same social functions as prisons and hospitals

Foucault’s mother: You’re still going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecapi7/foucault_schools_serve_the_same_social_functions/
%
My friend was the best in Russian Roulette

He only lost once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecaln6/my_friend_was_the_best_in_russian_roulette/
%
I'm really glad that my father taught me how to put on a condom

It really helped me and made me more confident when I had my first sexual intercourse with a woman. It would not have been so akward though if he actually used a banana instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecalhn/im_really_glad_that_my_father_taught_me_how_to/
%
What did the doctor say to the man with a serious urinary tract infection?

Urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecaed7/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_man_with_a_serious/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I'd like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick

Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecabuy/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_id_like_a_threesome_and/
%
Where was the evidence found that led to the arrest Jeffrey Epstein?

In a PDF file

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ecaa6l/where_was_the_evidence_found_that_led_to_the/
%
I will describe myself in two words.

Bad at math.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eca8tf/i_will_describe_myself_in_two_words/
%
I want to buy platform shoes, but I can't quite afford them

I need a bit more money because I'm still a little short

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eca5r2/i_want_to_buy_platform_shoes_but_i_cant_quite/
%
A woman told her husband about her dream in which everybody she knows turned into zombies.

H: "Honey, even if I really turned into a zombie, I will never eat you."
W: "Aww...."
H: "The doctor told me to cut down on fatty food"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec9zcz/a_woman_told_her_husband_about_her_dream_in_which/
%
Why does Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic Attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec9y5w/why_does_trump_take_xanax/
%
I was fingering my girlfriend while she was on her period the other day....

Her Dad walked in and caught me red handed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec9uhp/i_was_fingering_my_girlfriend_while_she_was_on/
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Heard about that new band called 1023 MB?

They haven't had any gigs yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec9mxp/heard_about_that_new_band_called_1023_mb/
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Never assume what your friends have been up to

Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your  name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been  great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”.
The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also  been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”.
Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?”
“No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec9d1s/never_assume_what_your_friends_have_been_up_to/
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What happens when a necrophiliac attends a funeral?

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec8au9/what_happens_when_a_necrophiliac_attends_a_funeral/
%
My wife said I don't listen to her....

At least that's what I *think* she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec85qd/my_wife_said_i_dont_listen_to_her/
%
Dave walks into his local pub...

...and sees Bob sitting at the bar, grinning from ear to ear.
Dave goes up to Bob and says, “Oy, Bob, what you grinning about there?” Bob replies, “Oh, Dave! Well, I was out there yesterday just waxing my boat and up walks this blonde with the most amazing tits! I start up a conversation and offer her a ride on the boat. So, I take her out a few miles and turn off the boat and tell her, suck or swim baby...and she couldn’t swim Dave!”
A few days pass, Dave heads to pub for a pint. He sees Bob, parked at the bar grinning ear to ear. Dave sits down next to Bob and says, “Oy, Bob, now what you grinning about?” Bob replies, “Well, Dave, the other day I was out waxing my boat and this brunette with the most amazing ass walks by. I called at her, she turned around, we got to talking and I offered her a ride on my boat. I took her way out, at least ten miles. I turned off the boat and I told her, suck or swim baby. And she could not swim Dave!”
A few weeks pass, Dave heads to the pub. As he walks in he sees Bob in the back sitting at a table, head down and visibly sobbing. Dave walks up to Bob and says, “Oy, Bob, what’s the matter?” Bob, without lifting his head, recognizes Dave’s voice and says, “Oh, Dave, you wouldn’t believe it. I was out there at the marina waxing my boat when up walks this redhead. She had the most perfect tits and an ass to match. I could not believe it. We get to talking and I offer her a ride on my boat. I drove for hours, way out, so far gone we could not see land. I turn the boat off and I told her suck or swim baby. Well, she stood up, whipped out the biggest dick I’ve ever seen and I cannot swim Dave, I cannot...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec85n7/dave_walks_into_his_local_pub/
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What does burnt breads, soldiers dying, and pregnant women have in common!

Pulling out too late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec85lj/what_does_burnt_breads_soldiers_dying_and/
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How many optometrists does it take to change the lightbulb?

Is it one or two? One... or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec80hw/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_change_the/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the morgue on the other side. He was called in to identify his wife who had been hit by a truck that morning, due to failing to 'stop, look, and listen' before crossing the aforementioned road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec7zp8/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Don't be worried about your smartphone and television collecting your data...

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for YEARS now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec7u14/dont_be_worried_about_your_smartphone_and/
%
Why is it smarter to smoke weed than drink beer?

Because Budweiser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec7p4w/why_is_it_smarter_to_smoke_weed_than_drink_beer/
%
One benefit of living in a van.

You can go basically anywhere on house arrest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec7fm0/one_benefit_of_living_in_a_van/
%
What is the toughest part of eating a vegetable?

The wheel chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec7d7v/what_is_the_toughest_part_of_eating_a_vegetable/
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I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian

It might seem harsh, but I’ve only ever known her as Christine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec7c99/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_when_she_told_me/
%
What do you call a magic dog?

A Labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec7bon/what_do_you_call_a_magic_dog/
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But Officer...

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the trooper replied, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car OK?" the trooper asked with concern. "These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer," she replied. "We just got off Route 110."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec76nn/but_officer/
%
A 911 operator answers the phone and a man answers.

911- "911, what's your emergency?"
Man-"Yes, there are 2 girls fighting over me right now."
911- "Sir, I don't see how this qualifies as an emergency"
Man- "The ugly one is winning"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec75nn/a_911_operator_answers_the_phone_and_a_man_answers/
%
What's the psych wards favorite christmas song?

Do you hear what I hear...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec72jj/whats_the_psych_wards_favorite_christmas_song/
%
If I only had a week to live, I'd spend every day of it at work.

There, even just eight hours last fucking forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec6wzz/if_i_only_had_a_week_to_live_id_spend_every_day/
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It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods.

It was harder to deter gents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec6w2u/it_was_easy_to_stop_girls_from_eating_tide_pods/
%
Stalin was out swimming, but he began to drown.

A peasant who was passing by jumped in and pulled him safely to shore. Stalin asked the peasant what he would like as a reward. Realizing whom he had saved, the peasant cried out: ‘Nothing! Just please don’t tell anyone I saved you!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec6u6s/stalin_was_out_swimming_but_he_began_to_drown/
%
An old man went to go see his doctor...

"I've got toilet problems,"he complained.
"Well, let's see.How is your urination?"
"Every morning at 7,like a baby."
"Good.How about your bowel movement?"
"8 each morning like clockwork."
"So what's the problem?"the doctor asked.
"I don't wake up until 9!"the patient fired back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec6t9r/an_old_man_went_to_go_see_his_doctor/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A ripoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec6spx/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
A father has a meeting with his future son-in-law

The father asks "I see you are in between jobs, how are you going to provide for yourself and my daugher?"
The young man replies "Well, God will provide"
The father continues by asking, "I assume you will be having children, how will you support them?".
The young man paused, and then replies with great conviction,  "Don't you worry, God will provide."
The father, a bit concerned, asked another question, "Do you have any savings? What is your plan in life?"
The young man looks the father straight in the eyes and says "God will provide"
Later on, the mother asks the father "So how did it go?"
The father answers "The bad news is that he has no money,  and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec6q5g/a_father_has_a_meeting_with_his_future_soninlaw/
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I once dated a girl with a lazy eye

Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec6oeh/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
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The fly that came down four inches NSFW Long

Once apon a time there was a fly buzzing above a river. He did not know that a Trout was watching him and the fish said "If that fly comes down four inches I'm gonna jump up and eat him."
The Trout didnt know that a Bear was watching him. The Bear said to himself "If that fly comes down four inches and that fish jumps up to eat the fly, I'm gonna step out from this bush and grab that fish and eat him."
The Bear didn't know that a Hunter was watching him. The Hunter said to himself "If that fly comes down four inches and the Trout jumps up the Bear will step out to catch the Trout and I will put down my cheese sandwich pick up my rifle and shoot that Bear!"
The Hunter didn't know that a Mouse was watching him. The Mouse said to himself, "If that fly comes down four inches and the Trout jumps for it the Bear will step out and the hunter will put down his cheese sandwich and then I will run out and steal that cheese!"
The Mouse was being watch by a Cat who said to himself "If that fly comes down four inches the Trout will jump for it and the Bear will step out, then the Hunter will put down his cheese sandwich and that Mouse will run out to steal the cheese!"
BANG! EVERYTHING HAPPENED!
The Fly came down four inches!
The Trout jumped up for the fly!
The Bear stepped out of his bush!
The Hunter put down his cheese sandwich to pick up his rifle!
The Mouse ran for the cheese in the sandwich!
The Cat jumped for the Mouse! But he missed and landed in the river!
There's a moral to my story, whenever a Fly comes down four inches. Theres gonna be a wet pussy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec6oe3/the_fly_that_came_down_four_inches_nsfw_long/
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Why was Santa's sack empty at the end of Christmas night?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec6h4a/why_was_santas_sack_empty_at_the_end_of_christmas/
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75% of Australian men watch porn.

The other 25% are with Optus and still waiting for it to load.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec6brj/75_of_australian_men_watch_porn/
%
What's a thing pornstars and truckers have in common?

They both get paid by the load.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec66iz/whats_a_thing_pornstars_and_truckers_have_in/
%
My girlfriend said we need to spend more quality time together.

So I bought her a tea set and a koala and said wtf are we supposed to do now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec658a/my_girlfriend_said_we_need_to_spend_more_quality/
%
Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fun-gi, why did he leave?  There wasn't mush room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec5v7t/why_did_the_mushroom_go_to_the_party/
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I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec5uf9/i_found_out_my_girlfriend_is_really_a_ghost/
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What do you call a gay man turning straight?

Leaving his friend's behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec5pfz/what_do_you_call_a_gay_man_turning_straight/
%
A few days after Christmas...

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec5juz/a_few_days_after_christmas/
%
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my shirt

Shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec5ch7/someone_broke_into_my_house_and_stole_20_of_my/
%
A man very sadly died recently after breaking into a brewery and falling into a vat of beer

However, the police are treating his death as suspicious as the CCTV footage shows him getting out 3 times to take a piss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec5bwy/a_man_very_sadly_died_recently_after_breaking/
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Did you hear about the guy who forgot to pay his exorcist?

He was repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec56ea/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_forgot_to_pay_his/
%
I've just downloaded the whole Quran onto a USB stick.

If any muslims are interested, I'll burn them a copy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec4yku/ive_just_downloaded_the_whole_quran_onto_a_usb/
%
The doctor told me I had only 2 years left to live.

So I killed him and the judge gave me 40.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec4ta8/the_doctor_told_me_i_had_only_2_years_left_to_live/
%
Is paying a person to kill them self

A money back guarantee?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec4smr/is_paying_a_person_to_kill_them_self/
%
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me

I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her.
It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress.
She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me.
I stopped her and left the house.
I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend.
And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside.
I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend.
Moral of the story:
Always keep your condoms in the car
Edited: wow this blew up, thanks for the silvers dear stranger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec4mte/nsfw_girlfriends_sister_tries_to_seduce_me/
%
The Bight of Benin

is the body of water off the coast of Nigeria.
Once an English sailor was shipwrecked off the coast of Nigeria and spent three days under the searing tropical sun, clinging to a floating log in the Bight of Benin (the body of water off the coast of Nigeria).
At last a native fishing vessel happened by and the crew, of course, offered to rescue him.
He, however, refused.  He said that their bark was worse than their Bight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec4jg4/the_bight_of_benin/
%
Tears stream down Brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. He feels the rodent tug his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words:

“Rat tu, touille?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec45wz/tears_stream_down_brutus_face_as_he_realizes_what/
%
I've got an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses...

Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec40h1/ive_got_an_advent_calendar_for_jehovahs_witnesses/
%
My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing a different T-shirt every half an hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec3xpc/my_girlfriend_is_threatening_to_leave_me_because/
%
Why did nobody laugh about Vlad the impaler?

Because he made too many shit posts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec3spr/why_did_nobody_laugh_about_vlad_the_impaler/
%
Accidentally took the wrong medication

I accidentally took my cats medication by mistake, don't ask me-ow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec3ksf/accidentally_took_the_wrong_medication/
%
My lesbian neighbors just bought me a Rolex for my birthday.

It's a really nice gift, but it's not *exactly* what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec3dms/my_lesbian_neighbors_just_bought_me_a_rolex_for/
%
When you're bi and single, you're not bisexual.

You're bi yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec3a6j/when_youre_bi_and_single_youre_not_bisexual/
%
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000

Mr. Demeanour: Why?
Judge: Misdemeanor.
Mr. Demeanour: What'd she do this time?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec36qk/judge_i_order_you_to_pay_10000/
%
Wanna know what's great about orphan jokes?

They never hit too close to home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec32fv/wanna_know_whats_great_about_orphan_jokes/
%
My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale from 1-10.

Last night, we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That’s the best I’ve ever done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec30vm/my_german_girlfriend_likes_to_rate_my_sexual/
%
How does a thief get into a house?

Intruder window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec2xej/how_does_a_thief_get_into_a_house/
%
How do you know if a hippie's been in your house?

They're still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec2nv6/how_do_you_know_if_a_hippies_been_in_your_house/
%
I hate Russian dolls

They are so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec2i3a/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
An old Irish woman wins the lottery...

...and decides to to indulge herself with a milk bath, so she calls her local dairyman.
“I’d like to order meself some milk”
“How much will ye be needing?”
“I suppose, I’ll need enough to fill me bath tub.”
“Shouldn’t be more than 200 liters I’d guess.”
“My word! That’s more than I thought.”
“Well, tell me miss, will ye be needing the milk pasteurized?”
“Oh no! I think up to me neck will do.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec2gtc/an_old_irish_woman_wins_the_lottery/
%
A man is walking behind his wife and says, "Your butt is starting to look like and old washing machine."

She ignores him and keeps on walking.
Later that night, he is getting frisky and feeling her up. She turns around and tells him,
"Sorry your load is too small for this old washing machine,  better do it by hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec292k/a_man_is_walking_behind_his_wife_and_says_your/
%
On new years, 2019, i made a resolution to lose 10 kg by 2020. After months of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears,

I can proudly say i only have 16 more kg to go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec22lk/on_new_years_2019_i_made_a_resolution_to_lose_10/
%
A blonde is standing on the shore of the lake.

She looks across the lake and sees two blondes standing on the opposite shore.
She yells across the lake to them ... "How do I get to the other side?"
They yell back..."You're already on the other side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec1zxf/a_blonde_is_standing_on_the_shore_of_the_lake/
%
A priest went to get his hair cut.

Afterwards, the barber refused payment, saying "I cannot take money from a man of the cloth."  The priest was so moved that the next day he sent the barber a dozen roses.
A minister went to the same barber. Afterwards, the barber refused payment, saying "I cannot take money from a man of the cloth."  The minister was so moved that the next day he sent the barber a dozen roses.
A rabbi went to the same barber. Afterwards, the barber refused payment, saying "I cannot take money from a man of the cloth."  The rabbi was so moved that the next day he sent the barber a dozen rabbis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec1yn8/a_priest_went_to_get_his_hair_cut/
%
No matter how much you push the envelope

It will always remain stationery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec1v9t/no_matter_how_much_you_push_the_envelope/
%
Build a man a fire he’ll be warm for the rest of the night.

Light a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec1tfi/build_a_man_a_fire_hell_be_warm_for_the_rest_of/
%
A lady walks out of a health club...

A beggar approaches her and says "Please, I've not had anything to eat in two days."
She looks at him and replies "God, I wish I had your willpower."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec1sbd/a_lady_walks_out_of_a_health_club/
%
Purple lemon

So this little boy is in the playground when some bullies come along, and they say to him:
“Hey, purple lemon, you suck!”
And the boy doesn’t know what a purple lemon is, so he asks. And the bullies say:
“Well, you’ll just have to ask a teacher then, won’t you?”
And so he goes and asks a teacher what a purple lemon is. “Go to the Headmaster!” She screeches.
And he goes and asks the Head what a purple lemon is. “I’m sorry, but this is big, we’ll have to go to the police.” The Head replies sadly, calling 999.
When the police arrive, the boy says: “But I just want to know what a purple lemon is!”
And the police look at him, and take him back to their headquarters, where they call the army, and an army officer arrives.
The boy, now in tears, asks; “But what’s a purple lemon?"
The soldier looks to the policemen, shakes his head and takes the boy to go see a general.
“I only asked about purple lemons.” The boy sobs.
The general frowns, and calls the Prime Minister, and gives the boy the telephone. “S-sir, what’s a purple lemon?” The boy asks once more.
The PM is silent for a long time, and then tells the boy that he’s patching him through to the Queen.
In the call to the Queen, the boy asks; “But what’s a purple lemon? I just wanna know!”
And the Queen tells him; “You’ll just have to find out when you’re old enough.”
So the police release him, and the boy is walking home, and crosses the street when *WHAM* – he’s hit by a car.
And the moral of the story is: look both ways when crossing the road!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec1qo0/purple_lemon/
%
What do you call a wandering caveman?

A Meanderthal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec1nk8/what_do_you_call_a_wandering_caveman/
%
Son: “Dad, can I sleep in your bed tonight? I’m scared...”

Dad:  “No, son. I can’t risk the monster following you in here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec1nie/son_dad_can_i_sleep_in_your_bed_tonight_im_scared/
%
My first joke

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec1h3e/my_first_joke/
%
I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means

No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec1gmn/ive_recently_been_asking_people_what_lgbtq_means/
%
Did you know Australians don't have sex?

They mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec1f79/did_you_know_australians_dont_have_sex/
%
When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec1dk0/when_i_was_diagnosed_with_bipolar_disorder/
%
I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.

Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite?
NaBrO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec16gf/i_wanted_to_post_a_joke_about_sodium_but_i_was/
%
My therapist told me to write letters to all the people who'd ever hurt me and then burn them

I did that, but what do I do with the letters?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec11mg/my_therapist_told_me_to_write_letters_to_all_the/
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He was the one knight nobody expected to meet on the battlefield that day...

Sir prise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec0wmv/he_was_the_one_knight_nobody_expected_to_meet_on/
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It's gonna start

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec0sr9/its_gonna_start/
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Did you hear about the wandering nun?

She was a Roman Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec0qmn/did_you_hear_about_the_wandering_nun/
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I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec0myo/i_wasnt_going_to_visit_my_family_this_december/
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I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.
I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec0m9i/i_met_a_baker_who_purposefully_burnt_his_bread/
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What is the speed limit of sex?

68.
At 69 you have to turn around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec0gq7/what_is_the_speed_limit_of_sex/
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Did you hear about the soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

He’s a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ec0art/did_you_hear_about_the_soldier_who_survived/
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I went for a job at a moisturiser factory.

I didn't get a job but they said I might have better luck if I apply daily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebzuve/i_went_for_a_job_at_a_moisturiser_factory/
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A man working at a coffee manufacturing plant slips and falls into a vat of boiling hot coffee.

Friend: I can only imagine it was a slow death.
Wife: no. It was instant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebzge4/a_man_working_at_a_coffee_manufacturing_plant/
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A Safety warning notice in a factory for female workers:

"If your skirt is long, stay away from the engines
and
If it is short, stay away from the engineers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebz78h/a_safety_warning_notice_in_a_factory_for_female/
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I'm starting a charity for girls that can't afford to buy vibrators

It's called **Toys for Twats**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebyzx4/im_starting_a_charity_for_girls_that_cant_afford/
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What is a Dinosaurs least favorite reindeer?

Comet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebyx8d/what_is_a_dinosaurs_least_favorite_reindeer/
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So Johnny has a gaming system, and he liked to play a certain fighting game...

But his TV was very old, and whenever he attacked, there would be lines across the screen of the TV.
Johnny sent the TV in for repair, and was excited when he got it back. Although, still, the problem persisted.
So Johnny bought another copy of the game, thinking that the problem might just be the game. Johnny even sold his old copy with all of his progress, as he was sure this would work.
Johnny turned on the game, and within 5 minutes, he saw even more lines. Johnny was getting very annoyed with the game.
So Johnny bought a new TV and sold the old one. Since the old one was in bad condition, this cost Johnny a lot.
Johnny couldn’t believe his bad luck, however. As there were still lines across the screen when he kicked, slapped, or head butted someone in the game. There was one thing fixed though:
*There was no punch line!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebyv4a/so_johnny_has_a_gaming_system_and_he_liked_to/
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This is a bad seaweed joke.

Sorry, I just couldn't kelp myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebyuis/this_is_a_bad_seaweed_joke/
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Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebyrgv/before_my_surgery_my_anaesthesiologist_offered_to/
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A multimillionaire was asked what the best factor was in becoming a multimillionaire. He said planning and thinking ahead was paramount...

He continued. "*I planned and thought well ahead on how I was going to manage and spend my grandparent's multimillion-dollar wealth when they died and I inherited it - and here I am today.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebykcb/a_multimillionaire_was_asked_what_the_best_factor/
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A lady goes into a confessional booth and sits down.

The priest says, "Bless you sister, please tell me your sins."
The lady says, "Oh, Father, I'm not here to confess.  I just wanted to let you know that I'm a vegan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebyf4a/a_lady_goes_into_a_confessional_booth_and_sits/
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I left a chocolate bar in the cupboard too long and it’s gone mouldy.

Life on Mars confirmed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eby8jc/i_left_a_chocolate_bar_in_the_cupboard_too_long/
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Just water for me, please

An American, an Irishman and a Dutchman are spending the day at a beer festival I Germany. After a long day, they end up at a local pub near their hotel. The bartender asks the American what he will have. – I'll have a Budweiser, he answered, the best beer in the world. Next to be asked was the Dutchman. – I'll have a Heineken, the only beer in the world, he replayed. The bartender turned to the Irishman and repeated the question. – Oh, started the Irishman, I guess I'll just have a glass of water, like these girls are having.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eby4n3/just_water_for_me_please/
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Palette Cleanser

The first time Charlie ate dinner with his girlfriend's family, her mom prepared a huge pot of soup for the whole family. The dad, mom, and little brother were all there. Although Charlie couldn't identify the exact contents, it smelled pretty good, and Charlie hadn't eaten all day. Everyone was eager to eat too, so they all dug in with gusto.
Charlie dug in too...and grimaced.
The girlfriend's mom noticed the contorted look on Charlie's face, "Is everything ok?"
Charlie: "Oh yeah....yeah (cough) everything's super, this is real good Mrs. J."
Charlie's girlfriend looks at him knowingly, "It takes some getting used to. It's an acquired taste."
Then Charlie's girlfriend's little 10 year old brother pipes up: "How do you acquire the taste of shit?"
Charlie gasped, not believing what the boy had said. The silence around the table was deafening, but the dad after a couple of moments and another spoonful simply shrugged: "Practice".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eby02z/palette_cleanser/
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People never talk about the 12th reindeer, probably because she's so rude to Rudolph

Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebxyzt/people_never_talk_about_the_12th_reindeer/
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A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.

He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebxysp/a_man_had_six_children_and_was_very_proud_of_his/
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Today in my chemistry lab, the teacher asked a kid to add 4 grams of baking soda to an ounce of vinegar. The moron instead added 4 ounces of baking soda to a pound of vinegar.

It was mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebxyh1/today_in_my_chemistry_lab_the_teacher_asked_a_kid/
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What do you do if you're both hungry and horny?

Break the cucumber in half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebxwe7/what_do_you_do_if_youre_both_hungry_and_horny/
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Why did the electrician punch a hole in the wall?

He needed an outlet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebxv82/why_did_the_electrician_punch_a_hole_in_the_wall/
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I couldn't decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.

It's the thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebx82c/i_couldnt_decide_what_to_get_my_buddy_for/
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I'd tell you a UDP joke

But you might not get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebx5sj/id_tell_you_a_udp_joke/
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Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebx1gv/why_are_dogs_afraid_to_go_to_space/
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Ned and Fred, the Idiot Brothers...

Ned & Fred were building a house.  Ned was putting up siding.  He would take a nail out of his pouch, inspect it, sometimes hammer it in, other times, toss it into the trash.
Fred saw this, went over and said "What are you doing, tossing out perfectly good nails!?"
Ned explained, "See this nail" taking one from his pouch and holding it up to the siding, "It's perfect! " and he hammers it into the siding.
"However", he says next, pulling another nail out and holds it up to the siding, "This nail has the pointy end on the wrong side!  It won't go in because it's backwards!".
Fred, clearly irritated by his idiot brother explains, "Look, you moron, there is nothing wrong with those nails" pointing to the nails in the trash, "Those are for the other side of the house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebwz5c/ned_and_fred_the_idiot_brothers/
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A blonde, a brunette and a readhead were running away from the cops.

They spot a barn and they all run inside where the see 3 large empty canvas bags. They each hide in one of them. Minutes later the police officers enter the barn.
They search all around and finally get to the three  bags.
The police starts kicking the bag that contained the brunette so she starts : BARK BARK! The police concluded the bag contained puppies.
Then they started kicking the bag that contained the readhead. In response she started :MIAU MIAU! The police concluded that the bag contained kittens.
Then they started kicking the last bag that contained the blonde. She replied : POTATOES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebwxit/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_readhead_were_running/
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What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors???

Reptile dysfunction...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebwjd9/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_that_cant_change/
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Adam was born in Hong Kong

as the seventh child to the Lee family, who were loving parents. Adam's parents had moved to Hong Kong in from a small village in the Xinjiang province of China in search of a better life for them and their family.
However, due to a lack of proper education in their village, they struggled to find work and both ended up working as cleaners in a University, earning minimum wage and they struggled day to day to get by. However, they were loving parents, and gave everything they could to their children. Adam had a happy childhood, a better education, and loved his mother and father dearly.
The day after completing his final school exams, young Adam's world was torn apart.His parents had been killed in a tragic boating accident while they we celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. This devastated the teenager, he adored his parents and felt he has lost his whole world. He decided to go travelling to get away from the life in Hong Kong, where every day he was reminded of those he had lost. Using his meagre inheritance, he booked a ticket to London and packed a single bag, not looking back.
Adam lived the high life, working in hotels and bars, he travelled Europe, drinking and partying his sorrows away. After a good six months, he met a girl and settled in Amsterdam, which was as good a city for the young man as you can imagine. He was fed up with the lifestyle of hospitality work, and found an ad for a job as apprentice cheese maker, of all things, studying the profession under the tutelage of Franciscus Veltman, a cheese maker world renowned, his Edam especially was constantly voted the best in all of the Netherlands. As such they technique and recipe was a closely guarded secret, only known to Franciscus himself.
Things unfortunately faded away with the girl, as young love tends to do, however Adam had inherited his parents work ethic, and turned out to be a natural at making cheese. He and his mentor formed a close bond, with Franciscus, who was unable to have a family of his own, loved and looked after Adam as if he was his was his own son; and Adam himself looked up to him as a father. He had even finally taught Adam the secret Edam recipe, strengthening the bond between the two.
With the help of Adam, Franciscus' business went from strength to strength, and after 3 years, he decided to take well deserved vacation for the first time in decades, such was his dedication to Caseiculture, safe in the knowledge that his livelihood was in good hands with Adam at the helm. He booked himself on a week long cruise down the Danube, as he'd always wanted to see the beauty of Budapest.
Alas, tragedy struck again, as the cruise ship capsized, and Franciscus drowned in his cabin. For the second time on his still early life, Adam had been left heartbroken. He couldn't bring himself to stay in Amsterdam, packed his things and moved back to Hong Kong.
Never one to be fully hindered by adversity, Adam used his skills and started his own cheese shop in his hometown. Again, thanks to Adam's hard work, talent and dedication, this was a roaring success, he made cheeses from all over the world that delighted the taste buds off anyone who tried them. As a tribute to dear old Franciscus, he however never sold his world famous Edam, only keeping it to make at home and treat those nearest to his heart. Despite constant calls from cheese lovers the world over who had tasted the Edam in Holland, Adam never wavered, and the cheese was never sold to the baying public.
Adam at this point fell in love with the daughter of the owner of the florist next door to his shop, a beautiful young lady called Chen. He finally plucked up the courage to ask Chen out, ask took her to the finest restaurant in Hong Kong. Chen fell for Adam's wit and charm, and before long they were married in a lavish ceremony.
Six months of marital bliss later, Chen becomes pregnant. Adam is delighted, with his life finally coming together. When Chen goes into labour, Adam rushes to the hospital. Ten painful hours later, and Chen gives birth, not to a child, but to a deer! Everyone is in shock, and experts the world over descend on Hong Kong to witness this miracle of science, but no one can explain it.
Nevertheless, Adam and Chen treat the deer as if it was human, and in a fitting tribute name him Franciscus after his mentor and father figure, but along the way, shorten it to Frank for ease. Young Frank, despite the media attention, lives a sheltered childhood, and learns to walk, speak, goes to school, and leads as normal a life as an anthropomorphic deer could do.
Adam continues to run his now thriving cheese business, and still keeps the masterful Edam just for special occasions with his new family, and Frank adores it, counting down the days until the next event when Adam brings it out to share.
Frank continues his education, but a final tragedy was awaiting Adam. Chen, while out on a sailing holiday in the South China Sea with her now retired parents, fell overboard and was killed by a shark attack.
Adam, after another cruel accident taking another loved one, cannot take anymore, and moves back to his parents village in Xinjiang, as far away from any large water sources as possible. He lives as a recluse, hiding away from the world in grief and sorrow.
It's left to young Frank to run the cheese business. He, unfortunately, is not as adept at cheese making or running a business as his father, and the company starts to struggle. Realising this, he writes to his father for the legendary Edam recipe to sell to help revive the fortunes. His father, now a stubborn, grouchy soul, steadfast refuses out of tribute to Franciscus.
Frank continues to just about keep the business afloat for the next few years, but every six months sends the same letter to his father asking for the recipe that could turn around his fortunes, but is constantly refused.
Finally, Frank hears word that Adam is on his death bed, his grief stricken body as succumbed to cancer. Frank rushes to Xinjiang, to find Adam in a terrible state, with only hours to live. After a long and tearful goodbye, Frank again asks for the recipe.
Adam, gives him a long look up and down, and says with his dying breath "I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, but Frank Lee, my deer, I don't give Edam."
Edit : I feel guilty getting an award for a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebwizw/adam_was_born_in_hong_kong/
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My thoughts on necrophilia?

I'm digging it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebwcxc/my_thoughts_on_necrophilia/
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We decided to organize an intervention for our friend, who is addicted to taking laxatives.

I said, “This shit needs to stop.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebw7z1/we_decided_to_organize_an_intervention_for_our/
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I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebw7oi/i_saw_a_4_year_old_girl_crying_all_alone/
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An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from next, until they are gone.

He then orders three more . The bartender says, "You know,they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time."
The man says, "yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we went our separate ways, we promised each other that we'd all drink this way in memory of the days when we drank together. Each of these is for my brother and the third is for me."
The bartender is touched and says," What a great custom!"
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders the same way.
One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes for his second round, the bartender says,"Please accept my condolences, pal."
The Irishman says, "Oh no , everyone's fine. I just joined the Mormon church and had to stop drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebw15e/an_irishman_walks_into_a_dublin_bar_orders_three/
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A chemist walks into a bar and orders a Pb&J sandwich.

He dies of lead poisoning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebw0aj/a_chemist_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_pbj/
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I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.

It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebvt7m/i_can_cut_down_a_tree_just_by_looking_at_it/
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In 2020 we're going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision

I can see it clearly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebvrbd/in_2020_were_going_to_have_an_entire_year_of_bad/
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What do you call it when a popular joke has been repeated so many times that it no longer gets upvotes?

Repost Mortem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebvr59/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_popular_joke_has_been/
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What's the difference between a jacket and a sweater?

A jacket is something to wear when you're cold.
A sweater is what you wear when your Mom is cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebvh9b/whats_the_difference_between_a_jacket_and_a/
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My friends and I were drinking and starting asking Alexa stuff. Alexa, what is a blowjob? Alexa, what is rim job? Alexa, what is a golden shower?

That barmaid got pissed and threw us out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebvc5p/my_friends_and_i_were_drinking_and_starting/
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I once dated a waitress. It didn't work out..

All she wanted was the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebv64n/i_once_dated_a_waitress_it_didnt_work_out/
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A man get caught by the police speeding.

The officer asked the man if he knows why he got pulled over. The man replys that he was speeding because the cars stolen and he has a big package of drugs in th boot. The officer feeling scared called for backup.
Backup arive and search the car to find nothing illegal. Then check the cars info and it turns out the car belongs to the driver. Confused they asked the driver what was going on. The driver replied "I don't know but I bet you the lying bastard told you  I was speeding aswell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebv5pu/a_man_get_caught_by_the_police_speeding/
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A close shave

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.
"I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can do it without butchering my face?"
Not batting an eyelid, the old barber kept sharpening his blade and replied, "Young man, I have given such a shave to many a man in this town. I've honed my skill for the past 50 years and I am a master at what I do."
Satisfied, the gentleman removed his jacket ans sank into the tattered chair which had evidently seen many a man's posterior before. The barber went inside and returned with a red ball
" Place this in your mouth so that your cheeks are stretched taut for my blade to shave off the tiniest wisp of hair off your face."
"Interesting", thought the man and willingly complied with the instruction and kept the ball in his mouth grimacing and holding still throughout the shave. While the barber was finishing off with the shave, he had a hiccup and swallowed the ball whole.  Begrudgingly he found himself running his hands over his chin  over and over again but couldn't find any sign of roughness. Satisfied with the old barber's work he said "I am sorry about the ball, is there anything I can do about it?"
The barber continued washing his blade and replied, "No big deal, you can bring it back tomorrow morning like everyone else."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebux7o/a_close_shave/
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How do you get over seasonal depression?

You just fall out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebuj4l/how_do_you_get_over_seasonal_depression/
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A foolish Dutchman

What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman?
One is a hollow cylinder
and the other a silly Hollander.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebub7d/a_foolish_dutchman/
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So there were two eggs in a pot.

The first egg says, "Look I have a crack!"
The second egg says, "I'm not hard yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebu3wb/so_there_were_two_eggs_in_a_pot/
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On his deathbed, the old man ...

... could smell his wife's fresh chocolate chip cookies from the kitchen. He decided to venture out of bed for one last bite of his favourite cookie before he died. He toppled out of bed and dragged himself to the stairs and managed to make his way down to the kitchen. Sure enough, there was a batch of smoking hot cookies on the table, and his wife was just putting another tray in the stove. He crawled to the table and dragged himself up onto a chair, reached over for a cookie, when his wife abruptly swung around and smacked him on the hand with a wooden spoon.
– Keep your hands off, those are for the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebu1dp/on_his_deathbed_the_old_man/
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How do you think burning sperm would smell like?

Genocide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebu06a/how_do_you_think_burning_sperm_would_smell_like/
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Did you hear they finally revealed Yoda's surname on that new Star Wars show??

I can't believe it's Layheehoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebttfo/did_you_hear_they_finally_revealed_yodas_surname/
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There were old two women sat on a park bench when an old man flashed them.

One immediately had a stroke
The other couldn't quite reach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebtsks/there_were_old_two_women_sat_on_a_park_bench_when/
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Judge: I order you to pay $10,000

Mario: why?
Judge: it's a fine
Mario: [sadly] no itsa not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebtrtb/judge_i_order_you_to_pay_10000/
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What kind of people are the fastest readers?

9/11 victims. They go through 90 stories in 15 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebtn21/what_kind_of_people_are_the_fastest_readers/
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Two CSS properties walk into a bar...

Two CSS properties walk into a bar.
A barstool in a completely different bar falls over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebtiwu/two_css_properties_walk_into_a_bar/
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What is a prostitutes favourite snack?

Chewing Cum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebtbb4/what_is_a_prostitutes_favourite_snack/
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Don't eat a clock....

It's time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebt9hs/dont_eat_a_clock/
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No one knows what propaganda means anymore.

It's when a British person takes a really good look at something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebt864/no_one_knows_what_propaganda_means_anymore/
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Why did man get his cock stuck in a fan

Because man put it in fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebt819/why_did_man_get_his_cock_stuck_in_a_fan/
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Three logicians enter a bar

The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?"
The first one said: "I don't know."
The second also said: "I don't know."
The third one said: "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebt4v5/three_logicians_enter_a_bar/
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Have you met Eric? He's a genie. I mean, he's not special or anything.

He's just Djinn Eric.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebsx1s/have_you_met_eric_hes_a_genie_i_mean_hes_not/
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Three pregnant women are in the waiting room of the doctor’s office

The first woman says, “I’m going to have a girl because I was on the bottom when we did it”
The second woman says, “I’m going to have a boy because I was on top when we did it”
The third woman pauses and says, “I guess I’m going to have a puppy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebswza/three_pregnant_women_are_in_the_waiting_room_of/
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Fear of the show friends

Me: I’m afraid of the show Friends
Therapist: Dont worry I’ll be there for you
Me: *screams*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebsvfb/fear_of_the_show_friends/
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Today I asked the hot girl at the gym what her New Year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck You..."
...So, I'm pretty excited about 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebsre7/today_i_asked_the_hot_girl_at_the_gym_what_her/
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A man runs into a store.

He approaches the shopkeeper and exclaims, “Help! help! I’ve met a beautiful girl, but she’s trapped at the bottom of a well.”
The shopkeeper reaches behind the counter and pulls out a long cord. “Here throw this down the well and use it to pull her up” he says.
The man thanks him and runs out of the store with the cord. A few minutes later the man returns empty handed.
“What happened?” Asks the shopkeeper, “did it work?”
The man looks at him and says, “Well, I threw the cord in like you said, but she wouldn’t take it. I think I’m going to need a better pick up line.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebsnsa/a_man_runs_into_a_store/
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What a mistake to make

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.  So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!!!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams: "The word was... the word was... CELEBRATE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebsnds/what_a_mistake_to_make/
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What sits in front of the mirror and gets smaller and smaller?

My self esteem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebsndd/what_sits_in_front_of_the_mirror_and_gets_smaller/
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If only there was an easier way

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how
are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten
we can tell them apart."
"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the
house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin
Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell
who owns which fookin pig.?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll
ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again
stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the
other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no
fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll
cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed
into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS
CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS
WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE
GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have
the white one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebscy4/if_only_there_was_an_easier_way/
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Exclaiming that this is what people will remember him by, pirate beardy beard hollowed out his peg and filled it with water.

It was his leg o’ sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebsbip/exclaiming_that_this_is_what_people_will_remember/
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The old man and the bear.

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said,
"See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well," he began,
"I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!......'
Well... I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said,
"I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said,
"No, no, not then, just now when I said
'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebsb2n/the_old_man_and_the_bear/
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It's amazing what modern medicine can achieve

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that  she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they  have become loose and floppy..
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and of course the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia, she found three roses placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had respected her confidentiality and the first  rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this  all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and  understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from the man in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebsamu/its_amazing_what_modern_medicine_can_achieve/
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How do you fight a bear?

Dad giving advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly  rears up, you just reach back, grab a handful of sh\*t and throw it in  the bear's eyes. Then run."
Son "Where do you get the sh\*t from?"
"Trust me, it'll be there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebs71t/how_do_you_fight_a_bear/
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A new Navy recruit on his first day posted in A Submarine ...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebrzkh/a_new_navy_recruit_on_his_first_day_posted_in_a/
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"This light's broken" complained the schizophrenic

*"You're* broken" replied the lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebr1m2/this_lights_broken_complained_the_schizophrenic/
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This girl always looks at me in class, but when i asked her out she ran away...

jokes on her, I'll make her fail my class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebqzmj/this_girl_always_looks_at_me_in_class_but_when_i/
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C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second."
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!"
That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story:
Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebqtf3/c_eflat_and_g_walk_into_a_bar/
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What’s the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a hooker with diarrhea?

One of them shucks between fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebqoww/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_corn/
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My 5 yr old son was playing in the garden and sees 2 spiders, He asks me "Is that a mummy Ionglegs under that daddy Ionglegs?"

No son, there is no mummy Ionglegs only daddy Ionglegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebqfmx/my_5_yr_old_son_was_playing_in_the_garden_and/
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Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebqfa2/amazon_is_launching_a_new_personal_assistant_for/
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Meteorologist

If you attacked a meteorologist with a lime green morph suit no one would realize what's going on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebqal0/meteorologist/
%
Some vandals destroyed 60% of my firetrucks.

Fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebq74e/some_vandals_destroyed_60_of_my_firetrucks/
%
Say what you want about America,

But we have the best politicians that money can buy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebq3d8/say_what_you_want_about_america/
%
I heard a story once about an American train driver.

He was operating a late night train and feel asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognize a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.
But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.
Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.
And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.
Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wily - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.
The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was whetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I don't understand! I set the equipment up myself, I know I did it right, and I know it's all working! And I didn't let you have any bananas! Please, you have to tell me - why are you still alive?"
"It's quite simple" replied the train driver. "It has nothing to do with the bananas - I'm just a really, really bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebq3ai/i_heard_a_story_once_about_an_american_train/
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So I was charged for sex trafficking.

Never going to have sex in the middle of the highway anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebphk5/so_i_was_charged_for_sex_trafficking/
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To all those who call people snowflakes and say they get offended too easily I’d just like to say…

Happy Holidays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebp8p3/to_all_those_who_call_people_snowflakes_and_say/
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What organ in the woman's body is still warm 15 minutes after her death?

My cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebp4vo/what_organ_in_the_womans_body_is_still_warm_15/
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What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors?

Reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebp4e4/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_chameleon_cant_change/
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Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers.

Husband:  To be honest I didn't even know she sold them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebp4b8/marriage_counselor_your_wife_says_you_never_buy/
%
A daughter asks her dad if she can invite some friends over for a sleepover

Later that evening, he overhears them playing a game of "Truth or Dare", and his daughter is asked when was the last time she had an orgasm, to which she responds "3 days ago", at which point the father bursts into the room and yells "I knew you were faking it last night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebp3tj/a_daughter_asks_her_dad_if_she_can_invite_some/
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I was just thinking of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebp1a9/i_was_just_thinking_of_a_color_that_doesnt_exist/
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If “going number 1” means “taking a pee”

Number 1 doesn’t mean shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebp0le/if_going_number_1_means_taking_a_pee/
%
Why are 1968 pennies worth almost $20?

Because that's only 32 short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eboxpe/why_are_1968_pennies_worth_almost_20/
%
Why did Jesus Christ get fired from the kosher deli?

Because he Cross contaminated all the food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebowwq/why_did_jesus_christ_get_fired_from_the_kosher/
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My moms sister is Anti-abortion

It’s a bit of a cruel nickname but she has had 5 of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebotyh/my_moms_sister_is_antiabortion/
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Why did Joseph Stalin always write in lower case letters?

He hated capitalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebopu2/why_did_joseph_stalin_always_write_in_lower_case/
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What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite Disney movie?

#It's fucking Frozen!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebon8a/whats_gordon_ramsays_favorite_disney_movie/
%
Two guys walk into a bar and the first guy asks for a glass of H2O, the second guy says, "I'll have H2O too."

The second man dies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebomij/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar_and_the_first_guy_asks/
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A Roman man finishes his toilet prototype. His wife asks, "Does it work?"

The man replies, "I have no idea, it's a crap chute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebom47/a_roman_man_finishes_his_toilet_prototype_his/
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They can't make a gay Mohammad movie

It wouldn't prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebolyr/they_cant_make_a_gay_mohammad_movie/
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What do you call a drug addiction counselor addicted to prescription opiates?

An Oxymoron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebokns/what_do_you_call_a_drug_addiction_counselor/
%
When the doctor diagnosed me with dyslexia

It was music to my arse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebocla/when_the_doctor_diagnosed_me_with_dyslexia/
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My kids kept finding all the presents I hid around the house so someone suggested I keep them in the attic.

Now they are crying up there and saying it's too cold and dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eboa3z/my_kids_kept_finding_all_the_presents_i_hid/
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Why was the morbidly obese non-binary person barred access to a health food convention?

No trans-fats allowed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebnxeq/why_was_the_morbidly_obese_nonbinary_person/
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So there's this guy drinking at a bar, getting absolutely shit faced

Near the end of the night, after he had a few too many, he pukes all over his shirt.  He's yells out "oh fuck, not again, my wife is going to kill me."
Hearing this, the bartender tells him to take a $20 bill out of his wallet, and put it in his shirt pocket, and when he gets home to tell his wife that someone else puked on him, and gave him $20 to have the shirt cleaned.
Thinking this is a great idea, the man heads home to his wife.
As he stumbles into the house, his wife asks what the hell happened.  "Well you see, I was having a quiet night, when this guy puked all over me.  But don't worry, he gave me $20 to have it cleaned."  He then pulls the bill out of his shirt pocket and gives it to his wife.
The wife looks at the bill and says "this isn't a $20 bill it's a $50 bill."
The man responds "oh right, he also shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebnvxx/so_theres_this_guy_drinking_at_a_bar_getting/
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A girl I’m dating works long hours at a bakery. I don’t think it’s going to work out.

She’s too kneady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebnrgb/a_girl_im_dating_works_long_hours_at_a_bakery_i/
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Two men are attempting to escape a mental asylum...

their plan is simply to access the asylum's roof and hop from rooftop to rooftop until they reach freedom.
On the night of their escape they make it to the roof and realize the distance to the next building is farther than they had anticipated. Never the less the first guy makes the jump easily and turns back to his companion. This guy though has a deadly fear of heights and refuses to leap that far.
So the first man tells him "Look I've got a flashlight with me, I'll just shine it across the gap and you can walk over on the beam of light!"
The second guy replies "What do you think I am crazy?! You'll turn it off when I'm halfway across!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebnpac/two_men_are_attempting_to_escape_a_mental_asylum/
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What did John Lennon say at the bukkake?

Cum together, right now, over me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebn9c5/what_did_john_lennon_say_at_the_bukkake/
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The average person has sex 89 times a year.

The next two weeks are gonna be awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebn1j4/the_average_person_has_sex_89_times_a_year/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebmrl4/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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Three men walked into a bar...

I ducked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebmriy/three_men_walked_into_a_bar/
%
As an airplane is about to crash...

a female passenger jumps up frantically  and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a  woman."She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebmr51/as_an_airplane_is_about_to_crash/
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NSFW. LONG. A couple of fleas were hanging out at a bar..

A couple of fleas, Frank and Pete, were hanging out at a bar by the beach. Frank asks Pete how are things going, to which Pete says
“Not great man. I found this dog in the street a few days ago and things were great...for a while. Plenty to eat, nice and warm, but I feel asleep and got woken up absolutely drenched. The mutt went to the beach and decided to go for a night swim. I almost died!”
“Wow, that’s wild! Glad you made it through that” said Frank.
“Yeah, me too. So then I hopped onto a skunk at the beach and things were looking up...until the bastard got into it with a stray cat. The skunk sprayed at the cat, missed, but I couldn’t take the stink. Luckily I was able to hop onto the cat though. That was going OK for a while but sure as shit I fell asleep and got woken up by the damn cat biting and licking at me. I almost died again” said Pete.
“Man, that IS a rough couple days. Y’know what you should do? See that sexy bartender over there? Go hop up into her bush and just take it easy for a few days. You deserve it” said Frank.
Pete agreed that was a great idea, so he finished his beer and hopped on up into the bartender’s shorts to nestle into her coochie. A few days later Frank is back at the bar having a drink when Pete walks in, shivering and damn near hypothermic.
“Holy shit Pete! You look terrible! What happened?” Frank screams.
“Well, I climbed up and nestled into the bartender’s bush like we talked about. Things were real nice, and I fell into one of the deepest sleeps I’ve had in a while. But when I woke up I was doing 90 up the highway in some biker’s mustache.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebmkpq/nsfw_long_a_couple_of_fleas_were_hanging_out_at_a/
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[shaking a magic 8-ball]

"Will my vision ever get better?"
**coconut:**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebmigz/shaking_a_magic_8ball/
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Guy who invented TV spent years working on prototypes, testing, refining, finally got it to work, only to power it up and be disappointed.

There was nothing on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebmh1z/guy_who_invented_tv_spent_years_working_on/
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What does Jeffrey Epstein have in common with Christmas decorations?

They’re always hung way too early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebmf6d/what_does_jeffrey_epstein_have_in_common_with/
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What’s about 6 inches long that’s in your pants and makes the opposite gender moan?

A $20 bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebmb50/whats_about_6_inches_long_thats_in_your_pants_and/
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Sensitive people.

I'm the tallest in my family, so my Aunt used to call me "Lurch" from The Addams Family.
Just over the past year I started calling her "Uncle Fester" and she got so mad at me.
I guess chemotherapy makes people sensitive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebm8pd/sensitive_people/
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I went to the most popular NSFW subreddit and was shocked when I sorted by Best.

I can’t believe what this world is coming to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebm7oa/i_went_to_the_most_popular_nsfw_subreddit_and_was/
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How do you eat duck eggs?

First, you gotta quack 'em open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebm4jt/how_do_you_eat_duck_eggs/
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Orion's belt is just a big waist of space...

Sorry, I know that joke is lame...
3 stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebm1fa/orions_belt_is_just_a_big_waist_of_space/
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They say that you can tell how a man is in bed by how he dances.

You can clearly tell I am white, awkward, and do alot of dancing alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eblxtt/they_say_that_you_can_tell_how_a_man_is_in_bed_by/
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I told my wife I was going to give her gold-medal sex.

She said, "Just once, could you give me silver-medal sex and finish second?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eblxft/i_told_my_wife_i_was_going_to_give_her_goldmedal/
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Can you help me with my wife's bra fitting?

Sam goes into Macy's, to the lingerie department, and he says to the salesgirl, "My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B, and she said that you'd know what I meant."
The saleslady says, "Boy, it's been a long time since anybody's asked me for a Jewish bra. They usually ask me for a Catholic bra or a Salvation Army bra or a Presbyterian bra."
He says, "Well, what's the difference?"
She says, "The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra uplifts the downfallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He goes, "Well, then what's a Jewish bra?"
"Oh, a Jewish bra makes mountains out of molehills."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eblsvp/can_you_help_me_with_my_wifes_bra_fitting/
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What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

No idea...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eblkzj/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
Why does high school remind me of Fortnite?

Because you hop off a bus and shoot everyone you see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebl5bo/why_does_high_school_remind_me_of_fortnite/
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I told my friends I am an Instagram Model

‘Unemployed’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebl125/i_told_my_friends_i_am_an_instagram_model/
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There's a lunar eclipse, and the Sun and Moon are aligned

The Moon says "Hello Mr Sun, I don't come across you very often!"
The Sun arrogantly turns his nose up and replies "Yes well, we move in different circles"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebkz4i/theres_a_lunar_eclipse_and_the_sun_and_moon_are/
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I wanna marry a guy named Mark.

As that would make me Marksman :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebksxn/i_wanna_marry_a_guy_named_mark/
%
The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebkgn0/the_police_recently_arrested_a_man_selling_secret/
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A sheepdog was working with a farmer to get the sheep into the pen.

When he was finished, he said to the farmer, "That's all fifty sheep!"
Confused, the farmer said, "But I only have forty-eight sheep."
The sheepdog replied, "I know. I rounded them up!"
&nbsp;
^(courtesy of my desktop dog calendar I got last xmas)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebk91s/a_sheepdog_was_working_with_a_farmer_to_get_the/
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Why do you never see Father Christmas in hospital?

He has private elf care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebk1k1/why_do_you_never_see_father_christmas_in_hospital/
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There is a new dating-app especially for peadophiles.

Kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebjz1x/there_is_a_new_datingapp_especially_for/
%
At times I hide my girlfriends asthma inhaler

just to make her scream
“give it to me, give it to me,”
so that my neighbour thinks I have a great sex life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebjgmh/at_times_i_hide_my_girlfriends_asthma_inhaler/
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What's brown and sticky?

A Stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebjejc/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight

Not unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebjdq8/dont_challange_death_to_a_pillow_fight/
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People that don't know the difference between two, to, and too should be banned from this website.

Their so freaking stupid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebjaus/people_that_dont_know_the_difference_between_two/
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I'll never forget my grandfather's words right before he kicked the can.

He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this can!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebj18l/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_words_right/
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What did the popcorn get charged for?

A-salt & Buttery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebix64/what_did_the_popcorn_get_charged_for/
%
Why is North Korea is worse than South Korea?

Because they have no Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebishw/why_is_north_korea_is_worse_than_south_korea/
%
What do you call a snail on a ship?

A snailor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebirl6/what_do_you_call_a_snail_on_a_ship/
%
You know that feeling when an old flame contacts you out of the blue to tell you that you're a father?

Because it's rapidly becoming apparent to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebipbn/you_know_that_feeling_when_an_old_flame_contacts/
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Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?

He’ll sink ye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebinyh/why_should_you_be_cautious_of_a_finnish_submarine/
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What's the difference between a cougar and a leopard?

A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.
A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebin4j/whats_the_difference_between_a_cougar_and_a/
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A Chinese guy showed up in my favorite bar last night

He took a sip of beer. I asked him, "Do you know Kung Fu or any other martial arts?"
He became offended and said, "Are you asking because I'm asian? I don't, in fact!"
I snatched my beer back from him and said, "Good. Then buy your own fucking drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebil78/a_chinese_guy_showed_up_in_my_favorite_bar_last/
%
Why can Einstein rank only 2nd among all physics?

Newton's first law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebikye/why_can_einstein_rank_only_2nd_among_all_physics/
%
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Who the fuck does that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebieww/someone_broke_into_my_house_and_stole_20_of_my/
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What do a newborn baby and a victim of organ theft have in common?

They’ve both been delivered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebi52u/what_do_a_newborn_baby_and_a_victim_of_organ/
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First day as car salesman.

Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebi3r6/first_day_as_car_salesman/
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Back in my day you could go to the store with one dollar and come back with enough groceries to last you a week

Now they have security cameras

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebhn7d/back_in_my_day_you_could_go_to_the_store_with_one/
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What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

Some assholes got my pen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebhknf/what_did_the_nurse_say_when_she_found_a_rectal/
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The bible says it's okay to be gay as long as you're high

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned"
-Leviticus 20:13 ESV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebhfjp/the_bible_says_its_okay_to_be_gay_as_long_as/
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Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.

Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebhbfi/surviving_an_attempted_murder_on_april_1st/
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out.
Had a few drinks.
Nice guy. He is a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebh9er/my_wife_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead_of/
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A husband and wife had been arguing all day

They passed a herd of jackasses, she drawls "relatives of yours?"
He says...
"Yes, in-laws"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebh8vf/a_husband_and_wife_had_been_arguing_all_day/
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mother in-laws accident

\- I finally got to visit my mother inn-law after her accident.
\- Oh, how is she?
\- Pretty ugly
\- Yes, I know, but how is she feeling?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebh2bg/mother_inlaws_accident/
%
What kind of dish washing liquid does a zombie use?

Dawn of the Dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebh03e/what_kind_of_dish_washing_liquid_does_a_zombie_use/
%
“And that’s why I became a pilot, to get over my fear.”

“Heights?”
“No, dying alone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebgx3d/and_thats_why_i_became_a_pilot_to_get_over_my_fear/
%
A COUNTRY boy was sitting by himself in the corner of a pub when a middle-aged woman wearing heaps of make-up sat next to him.

“You’re cute,” purred the woman.
“Do you want to go back to my place for a nasty fuck?”
“You bet!” exclaimed the lad.
“But I have to tell you straight up that I’m a virgin.I’ve always been scared of having sex because my mum told me that women have sharp teeth between their legs, and sometimes they bite." said the lad.
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” the chick said, then led the young fella back to her house.
As soon as they got in the door she ripped off her skirt, pulled down her undies and showed him her pussy.
“See...does it look like it has teeth?”
“How could it possibly have teeth?” gasped the lad.
“I mean, just look at the condition of its gums!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebgv19/a_country_boy_was_sitting_by_himself_in_the/
%
A man with a speech impediment is walking along the road

He goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk "do you have a bum and fuck it?" the clerk replies "No,but we have a bucket!" so the man buys it. Later on he heads into a pet store and he asks the clerk "do you have a cock and spank it?" the clerk replies " No, but we have a cocker spaniel!" The man nods and buys one. After this he walks out of the store and sets his bucket down to look around and sees his dog getting away, so he goes up to another person and asks"Hey could you hold my bum and fuck it,while I grab my cock and spank it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebgogh/a_man_with_a_speech_impediment_is_walking_along/
%
I was in an Uber..

..when a Grindr notification went off on my phone. My uber driver said, "I know that sound. My husband plays that game all the time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebgmjw/i_was_in_an_uber/
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It's just miracle water

So this man was pulled over at the customs.
They had a look in his car and found a big plastic can in the backseat.
\- What have we here?, asked the officer.
\- That? The man replayed, that's miracle water from Canada.
The office loosened the lid and put his nose to the can.
\- It's liquor, he proclaimed.
\- Oh dear, said the man, the miracle must have happened already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebgldz/its_just_miracle_water/
%
My wife complains that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my bags and right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebgkav/my_wife_complains_that_i_have_no_sense_of/
%
My dads footsteps

\- Hi there little Jonny. What are you going to be when you grow up?
\- I want to be a policeman and follow my dads' footsteps.
\- But your dad isn't a policeman Jonny.
– I know, he's a burglar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebgibn/my_dads_footsteps/
%
Cop - When did you notice that your wife was dead?

Husband - Well, sex was the same as usual but dishes started piling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebgi8o/cop_when_did_you_notice_that_your_wife_was_dead/
%
A man walks into a library...

and says, "I'd like a ham sandwich, please!"
"Sir," says the librarian, "this is a library."
"Ooh, sorry!" says the man, then, leaning in close, whispers, "I'd like a ham sandwich, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebghmm/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
%
New hearing aid

I FINALLY GOT MY NEW HEARING AID.
IT'S GREAT.
I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING.
That's good. What did you pay for it?
QUARTER PASSED FIVE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebg8tm/new_hearing_aid/
%
What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking while having sex?

Slow down, or use some lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebg6uc/what_do_you_do_when_your_girlfriend_starts/
%
Why are Hong Kong police always the first ones in the public square?

They get there early to beat the crowds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebg0d8/why_are_hong_kong_police_always_the_first_ones_in/
%
What time did the kid go to the dentist?

Tooth hurt-y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebfzhd/what_time_did_the_kid_go_to_the_dentist/
%
Must have been the Irish orchestra.

For Bruce Shackett
A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the bass violins don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sneak out of the orchestra and go across the street to the tavern. The other bass players agreed that this was a splendid idea, and a few minutes later, the basses were in the bar, knocking back drinks at a prodigious rate.
This went on for some time, with all the bass players becoming rather inebriated. One of them happened to look down at his watch and exclaimed, "We'd better get back to our seats or we're going to miss our cue!"
"Relax," said the section leader, "I've got it all taken care of. You see, before the performance started tonight I anticipated this problem, so I took a piece of string and I tied the conductor's score shut. He won't be able to turn the pages when he gets to that part. He'll have to stop the orchestra for a few minutes so he can get it untied. We'll have plenty of time!"
The other bass players praised his inventiveness with one final round of drinks. Then they made there way back across the street to the concert hall, and staggered drunkenly to their seats. Sure enough, about this time the conductor started to have trouble with his score. He tried to fidget with it, hoping he could solve the problem without having to stop the performance. Unfortunately, he couldn't get the pages to turn, and at last he had to stop the orchestra and spend a few minutes untying the string that held the last section of the score bound. The conductor was clearly annoyed and not a little frazzled.
This, of course, did not go unnoticed by the audience. One woman in the crowd remarked to her husband, "That conductor looks upset and rather nervous." "Of course he's nervous," the husband replied. "It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebfxgd/must_have_been_the_irish_orchestra/
%
A BLOKE was staggering drunkenly along the side of the road at 2am.

the cops drove up alongside him and demanded to know what he was up to.
“It's all fine, officers,” he assured them. “I’m just off to a lecture.”
“Who the hell gives lectures at this time of night?” asked one of the cops.
“My wife,” said the drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebfx40/a_bloke_was_staggering_drunkenly_along_the_side/
%
24 Hours to Live

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carol agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eights hours of life left. He touched Carol's shoulder and said, "Darling please? Just one more time before I die?" She agreed, and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Darling, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen, I'm not being funny Barry, but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebfuhq/24_hours_to_live/
%
Ninety-five year old virgin

Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebftwz/ninetyfive_year_old_virgin/
%
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebfsdy/i_was_playing_chess_with_my_friend_and_he_said/
%
Why did the redneck cross the road?

Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebfmyn/why_did_the_redneck_cross_the_road/
%
When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body

Then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebfh4d/when_i_was_younger_i_felt_like_a_man_trapped/
%
What's the difference between 69 and 6.9?

6.9 is great sex interrupted by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebfgt8/whats_the_difference_between_69_and_69/
%
Get in the car

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”
“Well then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us also.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”
“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebfg81/get_in_the_car/
%
I was nervous about getting my haircut, so my mum suggested that if I went in with a picture that it would help.

Now I'm sitting here even more nervous, with a photo of my old cat on my lap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebfbul/i_was_nervous_about_getting_my_haircut_so_my_mum/
%
"Father, why is my brother called Flying Eagle?"

“Well son, when an Indian brave comes out from the teepee after his wife gives birth, the child is named for the first thing the father sees.”
“Oh, is that why sister is named Rising Fawn?”
“Yes. All the braves name their children this way.”
“I understand, father.”
“Ok. If you don’t have any more questions, Two Dogs Fucking, I have a buffalo hunt to prepare for.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebf4ty/father_why_is_my_brother_called_flying_eagle/
%
(oc) Did you hear about the man with the broken hand?

Yeah, he hasn't been feeling himself recently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebf3p4/oc_did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_the_broken_hand/
%
I walked into the hairdressers and sat down in the chair.

On the wall there was a sign that said: £70 for a haircut.
I gulped.
The woman assessed my hair and said, "Hello, sir. How much would you like off?"
I said, "About £55."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebf1iw/i_walked_into_the_hairdressers_and_sat_down_in/
%
A young man goes to confession

He says "Father, I have sinned."
The priest asks him "Tell me son, what have you done?"
The young man admits "I've just cheated on my girlfriend"
Priest "Oh, son, that's not good, but we all stray from God's path occasionally"
"But Father, that's not the worst of it. They were twin sisters"
"Son, I can see you're feeling guilty, but I'm sure you can atone..."
"I'm not done, Father. They were only 18"
"Son, legally and in the eyes of God..."
"They were virgins, from Sweden. Blonde. They barely spoke a word of English and I took advantage of them!"
The priest is getting a little flustered now "Ok, well, it's going to take some serious prayer and reflection on your sins to make your peace with the Lord."
The young man continues "But Father, it was in my girlfriend's bed, while she was at the hospital visiting her sick mother"
Before the priest can say anything, the young man continues:
"It went on for hours. My God, they were so beautiful, I took them in turns, and both at the same time, it was wild. We fucked in the bed, on the floor, in the shower, on the kitchen bench, and then when my girlfriend walked in, I just kept going. They were insatiable..."
The priest, now getting upset, says "Son, stop!"
But the man continues "...I got it on video, so I can keep it for whenever I want to see it, and I can show it to my friends, and hey, do you want to see it?"
The priest yells "Stop! No! I don't want to see it! Goddamit, what kind of Catholic are you?!"
The man replies "I'm not a Catholic"
Perplexed, the priest asks "...Then why come to church, why are you in confession? Why are you telling me all this?"
"Dude... I'm telling everyone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebet46/a_young_man_goes_to_confession/
%
I saw a clown with suit and case running into an allyway

I think there was some funny business going on there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebepo4/i_saw_a_clown_with_suit_and_case_running_into_an/
%
My wife said she wanted to have Olympic Sex and I got all excited by the phrase so I said yes honey, what does it involve?

Once every four years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebem3u/my_wife_said_she_wanted_to_have_olympic_sex_and_i/
%
The cow died.

So the father gave the oldest son a bag of gold and sent him to the city to buy a new cow.
Off went the lad but on the road he met a beautiful fairy. She told him that if he manages to make her cum she will give him his weight in gold. But if he failed she will take all of his gold. The fella tried his very best, but after 5 hours of solid work he exhaled one final time and collapced.
So the lad returns to his father and tells him all about it. The father was really sad, but he sent the middle son.
Away goes the middle son and is beset by the same creature. She gives him the same deal and the horny lad can't decline, so after 10 hours he too collapces from exhaustion.
The father, devastated, sends his youngest, his only remaining son.
Off goes the lad, meets the fairy and agrees to her bargan. He goes on for ten hours, then fifteen, then twenty and the fairy says: "Please stop! I can't take it anymore!"
The lad replies: "Stop? There is no stopping. At least now you know how the cow died".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebelml/the_cow_died/
%
What does Obi Wan call his drug den?

The high ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebeh8x/what_does_obi_wan_call_his_drug_den/
%
From the beginning, Rapunzel never wanted a man to climb her tower to save her

She was just kinky and wanted someone to pull on her hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebegu8/from_the_beginning_rapunzel_never_wanted_a_man_to/
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“I am terribly sorry that I made fun of your erectile dysfunction yesterday....”

... “I hope there are no hard feelings.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebef0y/i_am_terribly_sorry_that_i_made_fun_of_your/
%
My wife got hurt bumping into the sofa...

I called her an **ouch potato**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebeb2r/my_wife_got_hurt_bumping_into_the_sofa/
%
Why is a genie's lower half transparent?

So you don't see their Djinn-itals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebe68u/why_is_a_genies_lower_half_transparent/
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Everytime I do something stupid, my dad stares at my mom like

He wants a refund.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebe324/everytime_i_do_something_stupid_my_dad_stares_at/
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A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one o f a kind, phychic cow.

He now has a rare medium well done !
Sokay, Imma let myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebe2bf/a_farmer_accidentally_overcooked_his_one_o_f_a/
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What do you call a policewoman that shaves her pubes?

Cuntstubble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebdye3/what_do_you_call_a_policewoman_that_shaves_her/
%
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him

“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebdy83/a_mexican_kid_meets_donald_trump_and_says_to_him/
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That's a nice ham you have there

It would be a shame if someone put an 'S' in front of it and an 'E' at the end of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebdxj6/thats_a_nice_ham_you_have_there/
%
Penis Insurance

A guy was trying to pull the leg of an insurance agent and asks him “Do you do Penis Insurance ?”
Agent : “Yes , sir , we do Penis Insurance”
Man : “You replace with a new one ?”
Agent : “No , sir . Once it stops to work , we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of your Life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebds3w/penis_insurance/
%
I walked past the charthouse on the tugboat and saw Larry scribbling on the map.

I'm sure he's plotting something!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebds14/i_walked_past_the_charthouse_on_the_tugboat_and/
%
The old rooster

In the farm, all the chickens gathered around the new rooster. He had arrived on the farm in the morning, and was looking at himself proudly as the old rooster of the farm (the only other male of the species in the vicinity) came to him.
The old rooster said, "See, boy, this is my farm. I challenge you to compete. If you win, you rule the farm. Fair enough?" The young rooster obviously agreed. So the old rooster explained, "I will start from this line, and reach master's porch. Since I am much old, I will have 3 second's handicap. After 3 seconds, you will start. If you could bite my crown before I reach the porch, you win."
"That's an easy one..." Thought the young rooster.
And they assembled for the race. At the clap of a beautiful hen, the old rooster began running. Hen kept counting time.
"1... 2... 3..." And young rooster started full speed at the oldie. As he shortened the distance, the old one started to shout out loud strange quaking sounds and ran here and there, young rooster closely following and trying to bite his crown.
"BANG...." A rifle shot from the porch. Farmer rested his rifle on his shoulder, and looking down to the dead young rooster, said, "Damn... What's wrong with them...? This is the third rooster I bought in a row, and every single one of them was homosexual!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebdrzj/the_old_rooster/
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Some girl has stolen my phone and clicked naked selfies.My cloud is full of them now. Somebody help me find her

I need to give her a charger too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebdpkm/some_girl_has_stolen_my_phone_and_clicked_naked/
%
My friend asked me if he should donate to TeamTrees

I said "I wood"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebdh0i/my_friend_asked_me_if_he_should_donate_to/
%
What did the one butt cheek say to the other?

TOGETHER we can stop this shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebdgg3/what_did_the_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
%
Why did the butt cheeks split up?

Too much crap between them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebdgal/why_did_the_butt_cheeks_split_up/
%
I can easily spot people of any kind of nationality, gender and race.

I have measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebdg14/i_can_easily_spot_people_of_any_kind_of/
%
Roadmen can’t do many activities

They have high BLUD pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebdffc/roadmen_cant_do_many_activities/
%
When I was going for my medical degree, I spent a lot of time on the Hippocampus.

The University of Hull has a ton of fat birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebdelv/when_i_was_going_for_my_medical_degree_i_spent_a/
%
The Manc, Scouser and Rasta

A Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby. The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebdd2l/the_manc_scouser_and_rasta/
%
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?

It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebd8eb/what_do_we_learn_from_cows_buffaloes_and_elephants/
%
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch

Ouch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebd7zt/someone_broke_into_my_house_and_stole_20_of_my/
%
I saw two guys wearing matching outfits and I asked if they were a couple...

they arrested me !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebckgf/i_saw_two_guys_wearing_matching_outfits_and_i/
%
Kung Fu student asks his teacher: "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebc2am/kung_fu_student_asks_his_teacher_master_why_does/
%
I had to sit through a 3-hour lecture about drills.

It's just boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebc232/i_had_to_sit_through_a_3hour_lecture_about_drills/
%
I can't even work here anymore after what my boss said today. I'm in disbelief and I'm outraged.

He said I'm fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebc05z/i_cant_even_work_here_anymore_after_what_my_boss/
%
How did NASA decide to keep the ships warm on board?

Space heaters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebbtan/how_did_nasa_decide_to_keep_the_ships_warm_on/
%
I got a handjob by a Clown once.

It really tickled my funnybone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebbq2q/i_got_a_handjob_by_a_clown_once/
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Teacher - What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Student - I don’t know and I don’t care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebbe5l/teacher_what_is_the_difference_between_ignorance/
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What’s the difference between American beer and making love in a canoe?

None.
Both are fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebb0f1/whats_the_difference_between_american_beer_and/
%
An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret...

...are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.
The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."
Not to be out done by the ranger, the seal chimes in. "Well we navy seals are so tough, one time I swam upstream 8 miles into enemy lines. Once there, I took out a whole company of enemy special forces, and snuck back out with 100 pounds of top secret weaponry."
The green beret just sat there nodding his head and listening while stirring the campfire coals with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebavl0/an_army_ranger_navy_seal_and_green_beret/
%
What do giraffes paint?

Giraffiti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebapnp/what_do_giraffes_paint/
%
My doctor just told me I’m a compulsive liar

Then she gave me a blowjob before I left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebalqa/my_doctor_just_told_me_im_a_compulsive_liar/
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Arlene Needs a Condom

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ebad3i/arlene_needs_a_condom/
%
What is the two best part of a wedding?

The playing of the organ and the coming of the bride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eba43m/what_is_the_two_best_part_of_a_wedding/
%
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?

Nothing, he just let out a little wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eba1n4/what_did_the_grape_say_when_he_got_stepped_on/
%
Land Mines

The Soviet Union don't use land mines.
They use land OURS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb9yex/land_mines/
%
My crush said she only likes bad boys.

Well lucky for me, I'm bad at everything I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb9ccx/my_crush_said_she_only_likes_bad_boys/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb99i4/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
A jumper cable walks into a bar...

and walks up to the bar.
The bartender looks at the jumper cable and says, "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb99hg/a_jumper_cable_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Our local Church is dying out

Its missing an Organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb8qna/our_local_church_is_dying_out/
%
Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb8lzk/why_do_social_justice_warriors_hate_dentists/
%
A doctor I knew fell into a well, but it's okay because he deserved it.

He should have tended to the sick and left the well alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb8fwx/a_doctor_i_knew_fell_into_a_well_but_its_okay/
%
There once was a girl from Madras...

Who had a magnificent ass. Not nice round and pink,as you probably think. But had long ears, a tail, and ate grass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb85yg/there_once_was_a_girl_from_madras/
%
Who brings Reddit letters?

The repostman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb7yio/who_brings_reddit_letters/
%
What did all of Medusa’s boyfriends have in common?

They were all rock hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb7pov/what_did_all_of_medusas_boyfriends_have_in_common/
%
A little old lady walked into the National Bank & Trust... LONG

She walked up to the secretary of the president of the bank and asked to see him.  The secretary told the bank president that there was a woman here to see him and he said to send her in.
Bank president says, "Well hello there madam, how may I help you today, do you need help with your account?"
The old lady replied, "No, I came here for something else that I think you might enjoy doing."
Bank president, "What might that be?"
Old lady, "I would like to make a wager with you."
Bank president, "What is the wager?"
Old lady, "The wager is this, that by this friday your balls will be square after working all day."
Bank president says laughing, "Are you serious?"
Old lady, "Yes and I am willing to bet one million dollars cash that by friday at 6pm your balls will be square."
Bank president, "Alright, I will take that bet," thinking to himself he will never make that much money so easily.
The little old lady says, "Well then I will see you on friday shortly before 6pm."
Bank president says "See you then."
Once the old lady leaves, the bank president tells his secretary to cancel all his appointments for the rest of the week and he then leaves and tells her that he will return friday as usual.
Friday comes and the bank president is confident that he will win the bet as his balls are not square but just in case he is very careful not to do anything that might change their shape.
The little old lady arrives a few minutes before 6pm and with her is a gentleman carrying two briefcases.  The bank president greets her and she introduces the gentleman as her attorney and witness to the conclusion of the wager.
The bank president tells the old lady, "My balls are not square so I win the bet!"
The old lady replied, "Mind if I do a physical examination?"
The bank president said, "Sure, I will allow you to do that for a million dollars," and drops his pants and underwear.
The little old lady, just before 6pm gently takes the bank presidents balls in her hands and confirms they are indeed not square.
Her attorney begins to cry.  Confused, the bank president asks, "Why is your attorney crying?"
The little old lady replied, "I bet him 10 million dollars that by 6pm today I would have the president of the National Bank & Trust by the balls.
Heard this one a very long time ago.  Hope you enjoyed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb7ial/a_little_old_lady_walked_into_the_national_bank/
%
Donald Trump is with his driver and he is on the way to an important meeting. He's running a bit late.

Trump: can you please speed up a little, the meeting will start shortly and we're quite far away
The driver : I can't really Mr President, I  am sticking to the limit. Also, we're in the middle of the city and the roads look quite busy. I don't want to put people's safety at risk.
Trump : I know right, but I really can't be late. Let's do something please, just pull over and let's swap. I'll drive to the place, I know where it is.
The two swap and Trump starts speeding like crazy. 50-60-70 mph in the middle of the city. Shortly after the swap, they get pulled over by two police agents. Only one of them goes up to the car. The agent's intentions are serious.
Two minutes later the agent gets back to his car.
Agent 2: so? What happened? What's he saying?
Agent 1: nothing man, I couldn't do anything.
Agent 2: what do you mean you couldn't do anything?! Who is he? The Police Chief?
Agent 1: No.. no.. much more..
Agent 2: who? The Governor?
Agent 1: no man much more. I don't even know who he is. I just know that Donald Trump was his driver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb79zy/donald_trump_is_with_his_driver_and_he_is_on_the/
%
Way ahead of you Dave

Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events  of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way  downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
Dave: "Marilyn, tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
Marilyn: "Even worse, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass  of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire Board of Directors  and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face."
Dave: "He's an \*\*\*\*\*\*\*, I could piss on him."
Marilyn: "You did. And he fired you."
Dave: "Well, \*\*\*\* him then"
"I did" she replied, "You start back at work on Monday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb74yu/way_ahead_of_you_dave/
%
Watch out for the drill sergeant

A guy came back from the service and met his buddy at the bar.
"So how was it in the service?"
"Not to bad, but in basics they had us jumping out of an airplane and when it was my turn I froze and I could not jump.
The drill sergeant behind me whispered in my ear:
"You jump now or i will screw you in your butt!"
"And did you jump?"
"A little."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb73vw/watch_out_for_the_drill_sergeant/
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[NSFW] A joke my dad told me

(repost with edits (i was the original poster))
A young man wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived  far away from him. He consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to the shops and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. The shop had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and the man unknowingly got the knickers. He sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Patrick
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb6jul/nsfw_a_joke_my_dad_told_me/
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I named my broken phone "ok boomer". Last night, someone from Sydney called. I was surprised:

Ok boomer rang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb6hqy/i_named_my_broken_phone_ok_boomer_last_night/
%
Argentina is surprisingly cold

In fact it's bordering on Chile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb6g2q/argentina_is_surprisingly_cold/
%
Why does Waldo wear stripes

Because he doesn't want to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb6dks/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
It's hard to go on a date with a librarian

They're always booked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb6dhe/its_hard_to_go_on_a_date_with_a_librarian/
%
My aim for next year is to have perfect sight.

That's my 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb6bu8/my_aim_for_next_year_is_to_have_perfect_sight/
%
I was invited to an edging party

But I wasn't allowed to come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb6b2r/i_was_invited_to_an_edging_party/
%
Someone people are good-looking enough for others to assume they must be an IG influencer...

People take one look at me and assume I have reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb67n1/someone_people_are_goodlooking_enough_for_others/
%
I remember my grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket...

He said: How far do you think I can kick this bucket?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb6374/i_remember_my_grandpas_last_words_before_he/
%
My boss sent me an email in big, dark letters demanding that I personally deliver my report to him ASAP…

I’ve got to hand it to him, that was pretty bold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb628f/my_boss_sent_me_an_email_in_big_dark_letters/
%
A man is riding through the desert...

Suddenly, he hears a voice, coming from nowhere.
"Get off your horse."
"What?", the man asks.
"Get off your horse."
The man, slightly irritated, does as the voice commands.
"Dig a hole."
"You want me to... dig a hole? Right here in the desert?"
"Yes."
Again, the man follows the voice and within a few seconds of digging he finds a pile of gold! The man is overjoyed, crying from happiness, when he hears the voice again.
"Ride to Las Vegas."
This time, the man does not doubt the voice, gets on his horse with his newfound wealth and rides to the city.
"Get into the casino!"
He gets off his horse again, goes into the next casino.
"Roulette. Seventeen."
He runs to the roulette. He bets his gold on seventeen. But not only that. He also bets his horse. His clothes. His savings. Everything. Twelve wins.
The voice says: "Fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb60kg/a_man_is_riding_through_the_desert/
%
People keep telling me to take an Anger Management class, but I don't understand why...

I already know how to piss off management, why would I need to take a class for it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb5zh8/people_keep_telling_me_to_take_an_anger/
%
The donkey in the backyard

A restaurant owner has a sign in the front: “whoever makes the donkey in the backyard laugh, gets a free
meal”
A man comes in. He asked the owner if he could try to make the donkey laugh.
“Go for it.”, says the owner.
The customer goes to the donkey and whispers something to the donkey. The donkey is laughing out his lungs out.
The owner can’t believe his eyes but serves the man his free meal.
The next day, the owner hangs out another sign: “whoever makes the donkey cry, gets a free meal”
The same man as before comes in and asks the owner if he could give it a try.
“Why not” says the owner, knowing he couldn’t make it a second time.
The man goes in the backyard and after a few moments you hear the donkey sobbing and crying.
The man comes back and the owner is totally confused.
He asks: “How the hell did you make it? The first time you made him laugh and now he can’t stop crying!”
“Well” the man starts. “The first time I told him that my dick is bigger than his...and the second time, I showed it to him.”
(Sorry for the bad English - it’s not my native language)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb5y97/the_donkey_in_the_backyard/
%
Why you should not re-post an old joke ?

Because he might get elected as president again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb5wno/why_you_should_not_repost_an_old_joke/
%
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb5qy8/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/
%
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb5q7l/an_angel_appears_in_a_puff_of_smoke_to_a_man_and/
%
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

They become VERY ANGRY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb5p46/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
%
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail.

He tells you his
name is Terry.
You laugh at him
and say"That's a
girl's name!"
Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb5llf/you_meet_a_man_on_the_oregon_trail/
%
why is it never relaxing when two couples go camping?

two tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb5lgw/why_is_it_never_relaxing_when_two_couples_go/
%
why was the serial killer doctor grumpy?

ran out of patients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb5kyw/why_was_the_serial_killer_doctor_grumpy/
%
What does "hold your horses" mean?

It means be stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb5h3a/what_does_hold_your_horses_mean/
%
What did the exit sign at the sperm bank say?

Thanks for coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb5fy3/what_did_the_exit_sign_at_the_sperm_bank_say/
%
A ventriloquist from Cork visiting Kerry walks into a small village

and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kerryman... 'Whats the craic, mind if I have a chat with your dog?'
Kerryman: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Langer.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
...Kerryman: (look of extreme shock!!!)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this Kerryman your owner?' (pointing at the Kerryman)
Dog: 'Tis'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the beach once
a week to play.'
Kerryman: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kerryman: 'Ehh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kerryman: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the Kerryman)
Horse: 'Tis'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down and keeps me
in the shed to protect me from the weather.'
Kerryman: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kerryman: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a fucking liar...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb5c2j/a_ventriloquist_from_cork_visiting_kerry_walks/
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What do you call a rich elf?

Welfy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb4yek/what_do_you_call_a_rich_elf/
%
I have a fetish for the final paragraph of an essay.

I just came to that conclusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb4xbk/i_have_a_fetish_for_the_final_paragraph_of_an/
%
We all know where the Big Apple is...

But does anyone know where the Minneapolis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb4ruf/we_all_know_where_the_big_apple_is/
%
There was a young man...

There was a young man
From Cork who got limericks
and haiku's confused

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb4o2d/there_was_a_young_man/
%
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb4nqe/i_asked_my_welsh_friend_how_many_sexual_partners/
%
A man is found dead with Bohemian Rhapsody on repeat.

Poor bastard died of Mercury poisoning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb4ebc/a_man_is_found_dead_with_bohemian_rhapsody_on/
%
Did y’all hear about the blonde that got fired from the M&M factory?

She kept throwing away all the Ws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb4bs9/did_yall_hear_about_the_blonde_that_got_fired/
%
Tony and Rose

Tony’s on his death bed, taking his last breaths.
Rose, his wife of forty years sits by his side.
Tony calls her over and says, “Rose, after forty years, on my death bed, I have finally learned what you are to me!”
Rose replies, “What, my love?”
Tony goes on, “When we met in Italy, I had nothing, but you stay with me. When we travel to the USA and all our luggage is lost and we are penniless, you are by my side. When I work at the factory and never get ahead, you’re always home for me. When I finally save enough to buy a convenience store and then have to pay almost all my money to the mob for protection, you stay by my side Then finally, we start to make money but the store burns down, we’re broke again, but you never leave me. And now, I am dying, I have nothing, but you are right by my side. And Rose, my dear Rose, now I know what you are to me!”
Rose replies, “Tell me!, Please!”
Tony takes his last breath and replies, “You’re a goddamn jinx!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb4afz/tony_and_rose/
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A man arrives to the airport with three bags

. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?”
The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossible!”
He counters, “That’s a lie, you did it last time I flew with you guys and I didn’t even ask!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb49zk/a_man_arrives_to_the_airport_with_three_bags/
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The guy that fixes my car is a Scottish Canadian

He’s a McCanuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb43mp/the_guy_that_fixes_my_car_is_a_scottish_canadian/
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A dyslexic man is walking around in a bra.

Not sure why he’s on our high school gym stage, though. Maybe he saw the sign saying “*Grad* Night”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb3zpr/a_dyslexic_man_is_walking_around_in_a_bra/
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My physics professor took an entire class to lecture us about Cole’s law

Turns out, it’s just thinly sliced cabbage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb3i51/my_physics_professor_took_an_entire_class_to/
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What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?

A fizzician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb38hm/what_kind_of_doctor_is_dr_pepper/
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So John is sitting in class in front of April, and...

The teacher asks "Who created this world?"
John pokes April in the back with a pencil, and April shouts "Oh lord!"
The teacher says "That's right, April! Now, does anyone in the class know what happens when you die and you lived a good life?"
John pokes April again. "Heavens for crying out loud!" she shouts.
"Right again!" The teacher says. "Now, does anyone know what Eve said to Adam after their 6th child?"
John pokes April for the third time. "For crying out loud, stop sticking that thing into me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb36eb/so_john_is_sitting_in_class_in_front_of_april_and/
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Why was the pancake arrested?

Unwaffle activities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb32xg/why_was_the_pancake_arrested/
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Dad joke

(not original content)
Wife: I have to tell you something. I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.                           Wife: No you’re not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb2zki/dad_joke/
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Licking the frosting

One day a little girl and her mother are riding in the car.  The mother is driving past the park and the girl points out a couple under a blanket. The Girl asked her mother what the people under the blanket were doing so the mother replied “They are baking a cake”.  Later that night the family is flipping through the channels on the TV and pass by a channel with people in bed making love. The girl asked her parents what the people on the TV were doing the parents responded by telling the girl they were baking a cake. The next morning the girl asked her mother if she and her father were baking a cake the night before. Stunned the mother asked her daughter how she knew. The daughter said “I licked the frosting off of the couch”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb2zfs/licking_the_frosting/
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Why was pavlov's dog's fur so soft?

Because it was conditioned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb2ye5/why_was_pavlovs_dogs_fur_so_soft/
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The confession

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.  The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.  The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.  Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb2wxx/the_confession/
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The pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.  He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar.  Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy.  "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again.  He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar.  The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy.  "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb2r7i/the_pet_monkey/
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A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar

Blunt Force Trauma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb2k5q/a_stoner_a_jedi_and_a_surgeon_walk_into_a_bar/
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I just dropped my award for feline rectal examinations and it smashed

It was a catastrophe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb2j88/i_just_dropped_my_award_for_feline_rectal/
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3 men were stranded in a desert

.
They were dying of thirst when a genie appeared to them. The genie said, “Here, I have a magical slide. Slide down it and shout any liquid and you will land in a pool of said liquid.”
So the first man got to the slide, slid down it and shouted ‘WATER’ and landed in a pool of water.
The second man slid down the slide and screamed as loud as he could, ‘LEMONADE’. And he landed in a pool of lemonade.
The third man however, got a bit over excited. He slid down the slide and he went down yelled, ‘WEEEEEEEEE’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb2hgy/3_men_were_stranded_in_a_desert/
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My favorite sex position is called “WOW”...

It’s when I flip your MOM over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb2f82/my_favorite_sex_position_is_called_wow/
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I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram...

I was like 0mg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb2eg9/i_had_a_crazy_dream_that_i_weighed_less_than_a/
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The people of Iranian city of Isfahan were famous for their jokes and puzzles.

An Iranian townsman planned to visit Isfahan so he asked his friends what they would like him to bring them from the glorious metropolis.
They said, "Don't bring us anything but something witty said by a person from Isfahan."
The guy promised he would remember their request. So, he went to the city and had a great time there. While he was on his way back to some station in a taxi, it occurred to him that he had forgotten to ask a guy for some joke or puzzle.
"What bothers you?" Asked the taxi driver, sensing trouble.
"My pals asked me to bring them some Isfahani joke but it seems I totally forgot about it."
"What's the big deal?" Driver consoled him. "I'm from Isfahan. Let me tell you a witty puzzle. Answer this: Who is my father's son but is not my brother?"
The hapless fellow thought for a few moments and then admitted he was at loss to answer.
"That would be me." Driver said with a smirk. "I am my father's son but I am not my brother."
The townsman laughed at the joke and was pleased with it. At the end of the journey, he asked the driver for his name.
"My name is Ali Hassan." Told the taxi driver.
Once home, he gathered all his friends and asked them the same question.
"Who is my father's son but is not my brother?"
All friends failed to answer. The guy smiled. With a prideful glance at the gathering of his fellows, he revealed the puzzle's solution.
"That guy is Ali Hassan. He is a taxi driver from Isfahan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb28xt/the_people_of_iranian_city_of_isfahan_were_famous/
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I have lots of unemployment jokes...

but none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb28hu/i_have_lots_of_unemployment_jokes/
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I have a girlfriend,

She just exists in the solution to  x\^2 +1=0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb2653/i_have_a_girlfriend/
%
An old woman walks into a bank and demands to meet the manager.

10 minutes later she is in the managers office.
She shows him several cases full of money and says " I want to deposit this into the bank"
Wary, the manager inquires " may i ask where you got that money from".
To which she replied" these are my gambling winnings".
To prove it she challenged him to a bet. "I bet $10,000 that your testicles are square."
The man quickly agreed realizing that there was no way his balls were square.
They agreed to meet at Monday in two days to see if his testicles are square.
On Monday the woman walked in and saw the beaming man. The man had spent all night making sure his testicles weren't square and he knew that this was easy money for him.
"I brought a lawyer to witness the whole thing" the woman said.
The man did not protest. The woman called a man to come inside. And in walked a young man in his twenties.
The woman then asked if the manager could show her his balls. He took off his pants showing his round balls.
She asked if she could touch them just to be sure.
The man agreed thinking it to be a small price for $10,000. The woman after several minutes of touching his testicles stepped back and smiled
She admitted her loss and gave him the money.
Meanwhile the manager noticed the lawyer banging his head on the wall.
Curious, he asked " what is he doing?".
Smiling, She replied, " I bet him that in $100,00 that in 2 days I would have the manager of the bank by the balls, and he'd even be happy about it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb253u/an_old_woman_walks_into_a_bank_and_demands_to/
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What search engine does Super Mario use?

Yahoo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb232u/what_search_engine_does_super_mario_use/
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A Christmas Joke!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?” The man replied, “They’re Carols”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb1xtq/a_christmas_joke/
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Say “beer can” in a British accent.

No, wait, that’s “Bacon” in Jamaican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb1vp2/say_beer_can_in_a_british_accent/
%
I used to hate parasites.

Then they started to grow on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb1l6g/i_used_to_hate_parasites/
%
Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?
Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb1iv0/physics_teacher_james_what_do_you_call_the/
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When the shovel was invented...

It was a groundbreaking piece of technology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb1hwx/when_the_shovel_was_invented/
%
Ducks out after curfew.

A Cop is out on his nightly patrol when he sees three Ducks out on a pond after curfew. He pulls into the park shines his spotlight on the ducks and asks them to come to shore so he could speak with them. The Ducks come to shore then the Cop asks the first duck to speak with him.
The cop asked the duck what’s your name and what are you doing out after curfew? The duck responded by saying My name is Ducky and I’m just out here blowing bubbles like any other good duck. The cop responded by telling the duck to go home so the duck did.
The cop asked the second duck to come over so he could speak with him. The cop asked the second duck what his name is and what he doing out after curfew. The duck responded. By saying “My name is Ducky Ducky and I’m just sitting out here blowing bubbles like any other good duck. So the cop tells Ducky Ducky to go home and be a good duck.
The Cop tells the third duck to come over so they can talk. The Cop starts by asking the Duck is your name Ducky Ducky Ducky? The Duck respond and says no my name is Bubbles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb1dpd/ducks_out_after_curfew/
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In the summer I lose track of how many AC’s are in my apartment

I guess I’m just not good at accounting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb1am0/in_the_summer_i_lose_track_of_how_many_acs_are_in/
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So there's these three guys coming out of the golf clubhouse on a Friday night.

The gentlemen see a lady shooting left-handed on the practice green nailing 20 foot putts like it was nothing, so the guys ask, "Hey do you want to play a quick round?"
The Lady replies, "Sorry fellas, I just finished playing, but if you come back tomorrow morning at 10:00am, we can play a round.. but i might be 15 minutes late."
The men are all in agreement and show up the next morning at 10:00am and there is the lady waiting, right on time.  So they all go to tee off, and the lady is shooting right-handed this time. The guys all notice and are a bit shocked but play on anyways.
They get to the end of the round and the lady destroys them all. The men are a bit embarrassed and ask for a rematch. The lady replies, "Sure, tomorrow at 10:00am again... but i might be 15 minutes late." The guys all find this a bit weird considering she said the same thing yesterday and was right on time.
Anyways, they all show up at 10:00am and there the lady is again, right on time. Same as before, they go to tee off, but this time the lady is shooting left-handed again, the men don't really know what to think of this.
They get to 18th hole, and this round was even worse than the last day, the men didn't stand a chance against her. So the lady asks, "One more round tomorrow?" with a wink. Then one man says, "sure, but i have to ask, what is with the switching of hands?"
So the lady replies, "Well, when I wake up in the morning I look at my husband's penis, if it's laying to the left then I shoot left-handed, and if its laying to the right I shoot right-handed."
One guy thinks hes being smart, he speaks up and says, "So what if it's sticking straight up??" and the men all laugh.
The Lady replies, "Well that's when I'm 15 minutes late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb16af/so_theres_these_three_guys_coming_out_of_the_golf/
%
I used to think that oceans were made out of soda.

Guess it was just a Fanta Sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb156p/i_used_to_think_that_oceans_were_made_out_of_soda/
%
Tesla's new car smell.

I heard they designed a special new car smell just for Tesla's.
They call it Elons musk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb0xhb/teslas_new_car_smell/
%
Why don't roosters lay eggs?

They are too busy laying hens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb0ods/why_dont_roosters_lay_eggs/
%
I was sitting at the bar by myself on a business trip over in Scotland...

...and there was an older gentleman all by himself at the end of the bar. I didn’t know anyone there, the bartender wasn’t too friendly so I stood up, walked over to the man to start up a conversation. I asked the bartender for a couple of pints and sat down next to the man.
“Hi there” I said. The old man looked up and said, “oh, hello, thanks for the pint. What can I do for you?” I said to the man, “well, I’m here on business and I saw you from over there and though, well that man must have some stories to tell. Have you been in this town long? Any interesting stories you got for me about this town and its history.”
“Well” replied the man “I’ve spent my whole life in this town as a laborer. You know that bridge you cross over to come into town? Well, I built that bridge with my bare hands but I was never considered a bridge builder. Ay, and that school right across the bridge with the beautiful brick? Well, I built that too! But I was never called a brick layer. However, you fuck one goat...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb0nes/i_was_sitting_at_the_bar_by_myself_on_a_business/
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A couple with kids had made a pact that they would always fulfill each other's physical desires every time they were in the mood. They had also thought of a secret way of communicating with each-other so that the kids would not understand..

For example, every time one was in the mood for sex, they would say to the other: "can you please help me type a letter on the typewriter?".
One day the dad was in the mood, but the mom was working late. She calls home and their son answers the phone. While they were talking, the dad tell the son to ask mom  when would she come home because he needed help "typing a letter". The woman responded she had a lot of work, but to tell him that she would be home as soon as possible.
After a hour, the wife called again  to say she might be a while longer but she doesn't know how much exactly, so she told the son to tell his dad that she is trying to come home ASAP, to help him "type the letter".
The dad hears and says: Tell her no need to rush, I couldn't wait so I just "wrote it by hand".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb0me1/a_couple_with_kids_had_made_a_pact_that_they/
%
Dave walks into his local pub...

...and sees Bob sitting at the bar, grinning from ear to ear.
Dave goes up to Bob and says, “Oy, Bob, what you grinning about there?” Bob replies, “Oh, Dave! Well, I was out there yesterday just waxing my boat and up walks this blonde with the most amazing tits! I start up a conversation and offer her a ride on the boat. So, I take her out a few miles and turn off the boat and tell her, suck or swim baby...and she couldn’t swim Dave!”
A few days pass, Dave heads to pub for a pint. He sees Bob, parked at the bar grinning ear to ear. Dave sits down next to Bob and says, “Oy, Bob, now what you grinning about?” Bob replies, “Well, Dave, the other day I was out waxing my boat and this brunette with the most amazing ass walks by. I called at her, she turned around, we got to talking and I offered her a ride on my boat. I took her way out, at least ten miles. I turned off the boat and I told her, suck or swim baby. And she could not swim Dave!”
A few weeks pass, Dave heads to the pub. As he walks in he sees Bob in the back sitting at a table, head down and visibly sobbing. Dave walks up to Bob and says, “Oy, Bob, what’s the matter?” Bob, without lifting his head, recognizes Dave’s voice and says, “Oh, Dave, you wouldn’t believe it. I was out there at the marina waxing my boat when up walks this redhead. She had the most perfect tits and an ass to match. I could not believe it. We get to talking and I offer her a ride on my boat. I drove for hours, way out, so far gone we could not see land. I turn the boat off and I told her suck or swim baby. Well, she stood up, whipped out the biggest dick I’ve ever seen and I cannot swim Dave, I cannot...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb0irh/dave_walks_into_his_local_pub/
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Another Penguin Joke

A police officer sees an old man walking down the street with a penguin under his arm. He stops the man and says, “Where did you get that penguin?” and the old man replies, “Oh, I found him a few days ago on a walk through the park, he’s my new friend!”
The officer tells the old man, “Sir, I want you to take that penguin to the zoo, right now!” and the old man nods and walks away.
A few days later, the same police officer sees the old man with a penguin under his arm. He stops the man and asks, “Is that the same penguin you had before?” and the old man says “Yes, isn’t he cute?”
The officer asks, “Didn’t I tell you to take him to the zoo a few days ago?”
And the old man smiles, nods, and replies, “Yes, I did, and today I am taking him to the movies!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb0imz/another_penguin_joke/
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i need to stop procrastinating

but don’t worry, i’ll get round to it at some point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb0ebn/i_need_to_stop_procrastinating/
%
Party time.

So a man walks into a costume party, with a large semicircle around half his body, and strings across it. A woman walks up to him, and this conversation unfolds.
Woman: what are you wearing?
Man : I'm a harp of course
Woman: but your costume is too small to be a harp.
Man: are you...calling me a lyre?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb0916/party_time/
%
Why did the white supremacist sell his TV?

It had one K too many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb04lo/why_did_the_white_supremacist_sell_his_tv/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are on a train

Door opens and a beautiful young woman sits into their compartment.
After a bit, while crossing her legs, the woman accidentally farts. She goes red to the tip of her hair so the Englishman gets up and says:
"My apologies, madam, gentlemen, my lunch disagrees with me"
After a while, the woman accidentally farts again. The Frenchman shoots up like a rocket and says:
"Gentlemen, please excuse me, my lunch disagrees with me".
Then the russian gets up and says:
"I'm going out for a fag, if that bitch shits herself - it was me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eb00qk/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_a_russian_are_on_a/
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Why was Jesus not born in Russia?

Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eazz28/why_was_jesus_not_born_in_russia/
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How does Santa Claus know if every child is naughty or nice?

He's omnipresent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eazunc/how_does_santa_claus_know_if_every_child_is/
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Bang bang

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eazs0w/bang_bang/
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I didn't get a warranty on my air conditioner...

But it would be cool if I did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaznxy/i_didnt_get_a_warranty_on_my_air_conditioner/
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I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand.

It’s seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eazhfc/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_to/
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A genie gave three wishes to a man

The man said "Make it four"
"Granted, now you have three left" said the genie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eazgu9/a_genie_gave_three_wishes_to_a_man/
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A woman was angry because...

Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”  Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction.
Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dress and pick up the note.
He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.”
He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door.
She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eazggr/a_woman_was_angry_because/
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4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room.
"Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now"
Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims:
"Comrades! You must not say these things! Don't you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!"
The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible.
"Really? Then how do you explain this?"
He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds.
"I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please."
And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar.
The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep.
Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing.
Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning.
"I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime."
"B-but how come they didn't take me?!"
"Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke"
(translated from Russian)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eazf1f/4_comrades_go_to_a_soviet_hotel_for_a_night/
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Why do pirates love reddit?

Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eazb7e/why_do_pirates_love_reddit/
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I have a guy named Lou who rents from me

I call him Loutenant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaz2fr/i_have_a_guy_named_lou_who_rents_from_me/
%
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts.
This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaz1s4/a_small_church_had_a_very_attractive_bigbusted/
%
My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.

I now sell smoothies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaytn3/my_fruit_and_vegetable_business_has_gone_into/
%
The recipe said "prick with a fork"

but enough about me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaykzf/the_recipe_said_prick_with_a_fork/
%
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eayjfk/my_older_brother_always_tore_the_last_pages_of_my/
%
what's the best place to hide if a murderer breaks into your house?

the living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eayi5h/whats_the_best_place_to_hide_if_a_murderer_breaks/
%
A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.
The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"
The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his glass eye and bites down on it.
Laughing, the man sees that the bartender is upset about losing his money, so he offers him a chance to win it back. "Double or nothin' says I can bite my other eye."
The bartender thinks it over. He knows he was just tricked out of $50 but he also knows that this man can't possibly have two glass eyes, so he pulls another $50 from the register and accepts the man's bet.
The man promptly takes out his false teeth and gently closes them around his other eye.
Now the bartender is visibly angry to have been had for $100, and the man's laughter isn't helping. Just before he throws him out of his bar, the man puts his hand up.
"Real sorry about that, pal. I get people with that bit all the time, but you've been a good sport, so I'll give you another chance to win some cash. I've got... $500 that says if you slide a shot glass down the bar top, I can run alongside of it and piss into the glass without missing a drop. This is kinda hard for me to do, though, so I think it's fair if you give me two chances at it."
The bartender, eager to win his money back from the man, thinks to himself and realizes just how hard it would be for this man to piss into a shot glass while running at full speed. Especially knowing he only has one eye to line up his shot. After a minute of deliberation, he willingly accepts the bet.
The man drops his pants to his ankles and when the bartender puts the shot glass down on the counter, shouts a resounding, "Go!" prompting the bartender to slide it along the bar top.
The man chases after it, holding his dick at an angle to properly aim it. However, pissing while running at full speed isn't easy, so he only manages to get a couple of drops in the glass by the time it reaches the other end.
Catching his breath, the man reminds the bartender he has a second try, and that the first was simply to get his bearings straight. Once again, he shouts, "Go!" giving the bartender his cue to send the shot glass back down the bar.
Once again, the man chases wildly after it, spraying piss all over the bar top, stools, floor, and even hitting some of the bottles of liquor behind the bar. However, not one drop of urine found it's way into the shot glass.
Head hanging low, he hands the bartender $500, to which the bartender gleefully accepted, jumping up and down in joy and cheering in victory at the cash he had just made.
All of a sudden, a man in the back of the bar slams his fist hard against his table and screams "Fuck!" at the top of his lungs.
The bartender mutters aloud, "I wonder what his problem is."
To which the man replies, "Oh, I just bet that guy $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be so happy about it you jumped up and down with joy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eay8ae/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Those who don't speak German may be mistaken between the two words 'nein' and 'neun'.

One got eaten by the number seven. The other, no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eay1b2/those_who_dont_speak_german_may_be_mistaken/
%
In which form would the enormous poet always write his poems?

In Iambig Pentameter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eay0ta/in_which_form_would_the_enormous_poet_always/
%
What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxi's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eay0p4/whats_worse_than_raining_cats_and_dogs/
%
A sailor walks into a bar and sits down next to a pretty woman.

Sailor: Do you like men in uniform?
Woman: I like the army and the air force, but sailors annoy me.
Sailor: Why's that?
Woman: They just overuse nautical terminology so much. That sort of thing is really irritating.
Sailor: I guess you're starboard about that. My wife said the same thing when she port me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaxy4u/a_sailor_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_down_next_to_a/
%
I'm 6 foot, 3 inches.

but those two measurements are separate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaxort/im_6_foot_3_inches/
%
A woman comes out as trans to her dad. What did the dad say?

"I have no son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaxb5d/a_woman_comes_out_as_trans_to_her_dad_what_did/
%
Our priest told me that he had sex.

Apparently, he was only kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eax921/our_priest_told_me_that_he_had_sex/
%
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.
Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.
There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out.
He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab.
"How much is it to the airport?" he asks.
The driver says, "$15."
"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?"
The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing.
"How much to airport?"
"$15."
"Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?"
And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.
He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out.
He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.
He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?"
Driver responds, "$15."
The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!"
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eax8nv/a_guy_goes_to_las_vegas_to_gamble_and_he_loses/
%
How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend to his parents?

Meet Patty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eax3lm/how_did_the_hamburger_introduce_his_girlfriend_to/
%
Bay A: "Requesting weather report from secondary base"

Bay B: "It's cold outside"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eawzf5/bay_a_requesting_weather_report_from_secondary/
%
Goodbye Grandpa

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eawxgb/goodbye_grandpa/
%
Why are kenyans so fit and run so fast?

They do Naerobics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eawido/why_are_kenyans_so_fit_and_run_so_fast/
%
Dad: It's time we had "the talk".

Me: Oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka.
Dad: The what?
Me: Ya know, boppin' squiddles?
Dad: Excuse me..
Me: Slaying the vadragon?
Dad: What?!?
Me: Disappointing the wife.
Dad: Oh sex, right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eawheu/dad_its_time_we_had_the_talk/
%
What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eawe0e/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
%
Where does the hairy farmer hide his cows ?

In his moo stash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaw7eu/where_does_the_hairy_farmer_hide_his_cows/
%
A mother is concerned that her son isn't making enough money on his own, so she asks what he will do for a living

And he says he won't have a real job, but he has found a legal loophole to take advantage of the sketchy business practices in his city; he discovered many of the repossession companies in his city didn't fill out the proper paperwork before taking a car away.
So he would buy a new car on loan and intentionally not make the payments. When the repossession company would come, he would let them take it, and then threaten to sue them in court. He would rough himself up a little bit, and the company would settle outside of court; they would pay for the car to avoid getting a negative reputation.
"That's smart son, but what makes you think you'll be successful here?"
"That's easy. Repo sting for car, ma!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaw5vg/a_mother_is_concerned_that_her_son_isnt_making/
%
Common English mistakes:

- Mixing up their, there or they're
- Wrong use of to, too or two
- Enslaving innocent people
- Putting commas in the wrong place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaw561/common_english_mistakes/
%
You should never take Viagra before bed

It'll keep you up all night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaw47n/you_should_never_take_viagra_before_bed/
%
Civics 101

I told my son "You will marry the girl I choose."
He said "No!"
I told him "She is Bill Gates daughter."
He said "Okay."
I called Bill Gates and I said "I want your daughter to marry my son."
He said "No!"
I told him "My son is the CEO of the World Bank."
He said "Okay."
I called the president of the World Bank and said "I want you to make my son your CEO."
He said "No."
I told him "He is Bill Gates son-in-law."
He said "Okay."
And that my friends, is how politics work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eavvyk/civics_101/
%
Never criticize someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.

That way when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eav84f/never_criticize_someone_until_you_walk_a_mile_in/
%
Why did the Saudi Arabian cross the road?

To get to the other... Sa'id...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eauybx/why_did_the_saudi_arabian_cross_the_road/
%
Just finished the dishes and there are already more

It a dishes cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eauiq3/just_finished_the_dishes_and_there_are_already/
%
A girlfriend is feeling like a stranger

A girl named Amanda has been dating a boy called Bill for 6 years. Amanda has been anticipating a marriage proposal from Bill ever since their 4th year of dating each other, but she felt too shy to ask about it. Amanda thought to herself, "After 6 years of dating and he hasn't asked me to marry him? I wonder if he even loves me any more." Amamda, feeling too awkward to ask Bill directly, decides to send a text that says, "Do you truly love me or have you just been playing with my feelings all these years. We've been together for 6 years, but you haven't asked me to marry you!" Bill looks at Amanda and is about to say something, but realizing that Amanda is feeling awkward about it instead sends a text saying, "Of course I love you Amanda. I can't express myself properly because I feel shy about it." Bill also sends a link as well hoping that Amanda will open it. Upon seeing the link, Amanda taps on the link:
>!We're no strangers to love.
You know the rules and so do I.
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of.
You wouldn't get this from any other guy.
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling.
Gotta make you understand.
Never gonna give you up.
Never gonna let you down.
Never gonna run around and desert you.
Never gonna make you cry.
Never gonna say goodbye.
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
We've known each other for so long.
Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it.
Inside we both know what's been going on.
We know the game and we're gonna play it.
And if you ask me how I'm feeling.
Don't tell me you're too blind to see.
Never gonna give you up.
Never gonna let you down.
Never gonna run around and desert you.
Never gonna make you cry.
Never gonna say goodbye.
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
Never gonna give you up.
Never gonna let you down.
Never gonna run around and desert you.
Never gonna make you cry.
Never gonna say goodbye.
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up).
(Ooh) Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up).
We've known each other for so long.
Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it.
Inside we both know what's been going on.
We know the game and we're gonna play it.
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling.
Gotta make you understand.
Never gonna give you up.
Never gonna let you down.
Never gonna run around and desert you.
Never gonna make you cry.
Never gonna say goodbye.
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
Never gonna give you up.
Never gonna let you down.
Never gonna run around and desert you.
Never gonna make you cry.
Never gonna say goodbye.
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
Never gonna give you up.
Never gonna let you down.
Never gonna run around and desert you.
Never gonna make you cry!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaubls/a_girlfriend_is_feeling_like_a_stranger/
%
Why don't librarians lend books on "how to commit suicide?

Because people don't bring them back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eau58r/why_dont_librarians_lend_books_on_how_to_commit/
%
Can February March?

No, but April May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eatxcj/can_february_march/
%
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eatw3d/my_friend_and_i_just_started_a_business_where_we/
%
In the distant past your limbs would simply be cut off if you got an infection

This was the med-evil period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eatvnw/in_the_distant_past_your_limbs_would_simply_be/
%
I Got Kicked out of a Karaoke Bar Last Night for Singing 'Danger Zone' Five Times...

Apparently I exceeded the number of Loggins attempts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eatr7p/i_got_kicked_out_of_a_karaoke_bar_last_night_for/
%
A woman in labor begins shouting, “shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Can’t! Don’t!”

The doctor turns to the concerned father and says, “Don’t worry. Those are just contractions”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eatkv2/a_woman_in_labor_begins_shouting_shouldnt_wouldnt/
%
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eatkmw/what_is_the_difference_between_snowmen_and/
%
How to get laid for free without the trouble of dating...

..
Start working at the mortuary like me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eatg46/how_to_get_laid_for_free_without_the_trouble_of/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eatf0p/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral.

A man leans in to her and asks, "do you mind if I say a word?"
"Please go right ahead." She replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, and says "Plethora," and sits back down.
"Thanks," said the woman.
"That means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eatczf/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
%
My friend got a job working at a vacuum cleaner factory.

He said the money is good but the job sucks.
Thank you. Thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eatcyg/my_friend_got_a_job_working_at_a_vacuum_cleaner/
%
What do you call a midget psychic that just escaped prison?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eataqh/what_do_you_call_a_midget_psychic_that_just/
%
The Energizer and Duracell bunnies had a fight

and they were both charged with battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eat7z0/the_energizer_and_duracell_bunnies_had_a_fight/
%
A naked man walks into his psychiatrist's office

and the doctor says “I used to think you were crazy, now I see you’re nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eat7tj/a_naked_man_walks_into_his_psychiatrists_office/
%
The lead actor in a play has become very ill.

This is a case of lead poisoning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eat5o4/the_lead_actor_in_a_play_has_become_very_ill/
%
Congress has been hijacked by terrorists:

Washington DC is at a standstill and traffic is stuck in gridlock.
A man in a car is waiting patiently for the traffic to clear up but doesn't understand why it's there in the first place.
Another man is walking down the side of the highway with a bucket knocking on people's windows and talking to stopped drivers.
Driver:  "Why is the traffic stopped?"
Pedestrian:  "Terrorists are threating to douse congress with gasoline and light a match if they don't get $500k before midnight.  I'm collecting donations from concerned drivers like yourself."
Driver:  "How much are other drivers donating?"
Pedestrian:  "About a gallon of gas each"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eat0be/congress_has_been_hijacked_by_terrorists/
%
A clown opened a door for me.

It was a kind jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/easyt2/a_clown_opened_a_door_for_me/
%
You know why the maoist china police used to walk in group of 3?

One could read, one could write, and the third one had to keep an eye on those dangerous intellectuals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/easq3o/you_know_why_the_maoist_china_police_used_to_walk/
%
What do you call an Indian Baker in a warzone?

A Naan Combatant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/easq3j/what_do_you_call_an_indian_baker_in_a_warzone/
%
What did Bob Ross refer to his children as?

Happy little accidents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/easlqs/what_did_bob_ross_refer_to_his_children_as/
%
A women just gave birth

Soon after her husband pulled the doctor aside and asked him “How soon until we can have sex”?
The doctor smiled and replied “I can meet you out back in 10 minutes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eashnd/a_women_just_gave_birth/
%
Why shouldn't you carry too many bottles of Jack Daniels?

It's pretty whiskey; you might drop one.
-------------------
My 8 year old daughter came up with this one, I've been helping her tune it. How did we do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/easedl/why_shouldnt_you_carry_too_many_bottles_of_jack/
%
"You're going to be a father", my wife told me.

"You're kidding me?", I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/easckv/youre_going_to_be_a_father_my_wife_told_me/
%
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The water. Butane is lighter fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eas6wq/what_weighs_more_a_gallon_of_water_or_a_gallon_of/
%
How do you tell the difference between your wife and your mistress?

The mistress doesn't ask where you were

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eas4fz/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_your_wife/
%
This is Greta Thunberg's favorite subreddit.

She's very appreciative of our commitment to recycling jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/earnww/this_is_greta_thunbergs_favorite_subreddit/
%
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

The food is great, but there is no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/earih3/did_you_hear_about_the_new_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
Looking back at all my mistakes next year will be easier....

Hindsight = 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ear9tf/looking_back_at_all_my_mistakes_next_year_will_be/
%
Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ear9ps/is_google_male_or_female/
%
What do cowboys call runny poops?

Diarryeehaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ear8u4/what_do_cowboys_call_runny_poops/
%
Three shoelaces are walking down the sidewalk when they come across a bar

A sign sits in front of the bar which reads, “no shoelaces aloud” the first shoelace says, “no sign can stop me!” And makes his way into the bar, the barkeeper notices the shoelace, and says, “hey! You’re a shoelace, no shoelaces are aloud in my bar!” And he grabs the shoelace by the neck, and throws the shoelace out of the bar by then neck.
The second shoelace says, “hey that barkeeper can’t treat my friend like that!” And he marches into the bar. The barkeep notices the second shoelace and grabs the second shoelace around the neck, and throws him out of the bar.
The third shoelace ties himself up as many times as he can, and then proceeds to throw himself at the ground over and over and over. Finally the shoelace makes his way into the bar when the barkeep says, “hey! Aren’t you a shoelace!” To which the third shoelace says, “no, I’m a frayed knot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ear78t/three_shoelaces_are_walking_down_the_sidewalk/
%
What do you call a salad with a bunch of knives in it?

A Ceaser Salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ear6mj/what_do_you_call_a_salad_with_a_bunch_of_knives/
%
JOSEPH: what a night!

MARY: truly magical, and the baby's perfect.
JOSEPH: mhm.
MARY:
JOSEPH: is... is it me though or was that kid with the drums—
MARY: so SUPER fucking weird right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ear1zn/joseph_what_a_night/
%
I know the human body has 206 bones, but how many do you actually need?

Money is tight right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaqzjt/i_know_the_human_body_has_206_bones_but_how_many/
%
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on a minute," said the assassin,  "I think I can save you 10K".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaqwv5/so_there_was_this_assassin_that_charged_10000_per/
%
I got kidnapped by mimes...

The things they did were unspeakable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaqmkr/i_got_kidnapped_by_mimes/
%
Customer: Is the carrot genetically modified?

Carrot: Why do you ask?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaq8p3/customer_is_the_carrot_genetically_modified/
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Man walks into a gas station and buy a pack of 28 condoms

Next Friday he buys another pack and continues every week for a whole year when the store clerk ask man tell me your secret how are you going through this many? There’s only 7 days a week and and your buying over twenty.
The man laughs  replies I feed them to my dog so he poops in little baggies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eapx8n/man_walks_into_a_gas_station_and_buy_a_pack_of_28/
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I met a stripper with dyslexia

Her name was Density.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eapwdc/i_met_a_stripper_with_dyslexia/
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How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair ?

He cuts holes in his pockets !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eapriy/how_does_a_bald_man_run_his_fingers_through_his/
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How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree?

By the bark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eapped/how_can_you_tell_its_a_dogwood_tree/
%
How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eapn7x/how_is_life_like_toilet_paper/
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Why did the ketchup blush?

He saw the salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eapmv1/why_did_the_ketchup_blush/
%
The carbon monoxide detector is getting really annoying

But hey, at least the kids are quiet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaph3y/the_carbon_monoxide_detector_is_getting_really/
%
What does it say on a Russian USB-stick?

Put-in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eapczs/what_does_it_say_on_a_russian_usbstick/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

His wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eap8wm/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
Why does Waldo wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaoz35/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
Floppy Disks are like Jesus

They died to become the icon of saving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaolxf/floppy_disks_are_like_jesus/
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Fart jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes.

But, I let them pass occasionally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaof9a/fart_jokes_arent_my_favorite_kind_of_jokes/
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what do you call a blowjob that makes you cum a lot?

sucksessful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaochm/what_do_you_call_a_blowjob_that_makes_you_cum_a/
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My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
**EDIT** Since I've got your attention, does anybody know a site or app where I can play Monopoly online against other people?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eao69v/my_brother_took_going_to_jail_really_badly_he/
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What's worse than a lobster on your piano?

Crabs on your organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eao5ev/whats_worse_than_a_lobster_on_your_piano/
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I was under the impression that the girl on my blind date thought I was sweet.

Turns out that’s not what she meant when she called me unsavoury.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eao1ps/i_was_under_the_impression_that_the_girl_on_my/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eanvg6/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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Guy turns in his time-card at work showing he worked 25 hours on Wednesday.

Boss:  How could you work 25 hours on Wednesday when there are only 24 hours in a single day?
Guy: I skipped lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eans9y/guy_turns_in_his_timecard_at_work_showing_he/
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A man travelled into the future.

He didn't know how far he travelled and wondered when he was. He asked a man what year it was but he replied "i'm busy, i'm late for work!"
The time traveller got curious about his occupation and asked him.
The man replied "I'm in the family trade, like my father and grandfather before me! I'm a proud brexit negotiator".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eanr22/a_man_travelled_into_the_future/
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A child from a poor family wanted a bike for Christmas

so he asked his mother. His mother replied, 'Well, I can't afford one so you'll just have to go ask the baby Jesus.'
The boy went to his room, got a stack of refill and a pen and began writing: 'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good all year, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.'
Then he looked at it and thought maybe that wasn't entirely true, so he tried again.
'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good for the past week, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.'
Then he looked at it again and still wasn't sure if that was true, so he tried yet again.
'Dear Baby Jesus, if you give me a bike, I'll be good all year.'
But even then that seemed too hard, so he took a walk outside to think about it.
As he was walking, he saw his neighbour's statue of Mother Mary. The boy hopped over the fence, tucked it under his shoulder and ran home to hide it.
Then wrote his letter again.
'Dear Baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, give me a bike.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eanpwt/a_child_from_a_poor_family_wanted_a_bike_for/
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What's the best Christmas song in a psych ward?

"Do You Hear What I Hear?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eann0e/whats_the_best_christmas_song_in_a_psych_ward/
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Why are they callers"seat warmers" in your car?

Because “rear defroster” was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eanfsa/why_are_they_callersseat_warmers_in_your_car/
%
A cop just knocked on my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

My dogs don't even own bikes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eandze/a_cop_just_knocked_on_my_door_and_told_me_my_dogs/
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The three hardest things to say to somebody are: "I love you", "I'm sorry", and...

Worcestershire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ean84f/the_three_hardest_things_to_say_to_somebody_are_i/
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What does Jesus and floppy disks have in common?

They are both the icon of saving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ean58i/what_does_jesus_and_floppy_disks_have_in_common/
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I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me.

“Stop shaking the ladder you fucking twat!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eamv7l/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words_to_me/
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I asked my friend if I was ugly.

They answered, “God makes everyone perfect.”
I replied, “Thank you!”
But then they said, “Well..I don’t know who made *you.”* Certainly not God!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eamjkk/i_asked_my_friend_if_i_was_ugly/
%
Just found out my friend with a stuttering problem died in prison

He was a repeat offender and didn't even finish his sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eamgvt/just_found_out_my_friend_with_a_stuttering/
%
Having an argument in a relationship is like going to a rock concert

It starts with the new stuff but ends with the old hits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eamd4m/having_an_argument_in_a_relationship_is_like/
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Donald Trump, a Jewish rabbi and a Hindu monk meet up for peace talks.

Their talks go on far into the evening, and so, when at last they conclude, they decide to stay the night at the retreat they met at. Unfortunately there are only two beds, but there is a barn that they can use as well. "Don't worry, guys," says the monk, "I'm used to the simple life. I'll go sleep in the barn."
10 minutes later there's a knock at the door and the monk is standing there. "Sorry guys," he says, "but there's a cow in there, and I simply cannot sleep in the same room as such a sacred animal." "OK," says the rabbi. "I'll go instead."
10 minutes later the rabbi is at the door. "Sorry, everyone," he says, "but there's a pig in that barn and I really can't spend the night in the company of such an unclean animal." "Well," says Trump, "I guess I'll have to be the bigger person here. I'll go sleep in the barn."
10 minutes later, a cow and a pig are at the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ealyqh/donald_trump_a_jewish_rabbi_and_a_hindu_monk_meet/
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[First day as a rookie cop.]

Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude.
Dispatch: Copy that.
Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ealy8d/first_day_as_a_rookie_cop/
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Everyone knows how Bert the Brown Nose reindeer got his name, but nobody knows how Rudolph did

Rudolph the regular nose reindeer was on sabbatical and took a brief trip through Portland Maine.
While Rudolph and his life partner Gary were there, they spotted a fortune teller on the other side of the street. As the pair crossed the road, a truck carrying industrial red naval paint swerved to narrowly avoid a collision with them. The truck hit a telephone pole and red paint flew *everywhere*. Luckily, the two were safely under an awning and avoided the glittery red paint.
They walked into the fortune teller's shop and asked if they could receive their fortunes. The teller, an old woman who graduated from Penn, told Greg's fortune first. She held his palm in hers and told him he'd know fame and fortune. She said that someone very near to him would become world renowned and that they'd travel the world together.
Next up, was Rudolph. The old teller took a look at him and realized she had a dilemma. Poor Rudolph had hooves instead of hands, so she could not read his palm.
So she red his nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ealeio/everyone_knows_how_bert_the_brown_nose_reindeer/
%
I used to work as a carpenter's apprentice

Before I opened my own business I was an apprentice for one Walter Harrington, a carpenter of some renown. The old man was a master at his craft, and we routinely had orders from ultra-rich clients looking to have extra-fancy furniture custom made to their specifications.
One day Walt decides that I'm ready to do a complete project on my own, all the way from planning to finished product. So he sends me to the front desk with instructions to take the order from the next client to come in, and that he won't intervene unless I find that I'm in over my head and explicitly ask for help.
So eventually this lady walks through the door, and she has this very distinctive appearance, long curly hair dyed in all the colors of the rainbow under a brown cowboy's hat, leather boots over skin-tight jeans, and a flannel shirt. Absolutely stunning. And she turns to me and says:
"I'm opening an exclusive pub that will cater to a very specific clientele: only pairs, triplets, and so on of identical twin sisters, and only if they're all lesbians. I have almost everything I need, save for the countertop itself. I need it to be this long and this wide (it's been a few years, I have forgotten the exact measurements - OP), at least 1.5 inch thick, with the edges carved Ogee over Half Bullnose, and I want it made out of..." She took a moment to consider, looking at our selection of sample boards, "This gorgeous red wood. Can you make that for me?"
"Just a moment ma'am, I need to check." Of course I wanted to say yes, but I wasn't sure that the type of wood she'd chosen would be safe to use in an establishment that serves food and drink. So I turned around and asked my boss:
"Walt, would yew do for a cloned dyke bar?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ealdbx/i_used_to_work_as_a_carpenters_apprentice/
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Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eald3w/three_men_enter_a_bar_in_the_ussr_one_says_why/
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I’ve just left the premature ejaculation support group.

Had no idea what to wear, so I came in my underwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ealcje/ive_just_left_the_premature_ejaculation_support/
%
I was going to tell a time-travel joke

but you guys didn't like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eal991/i_was_going_to_tell_a_timetravel_joke/
%
One of the oldest joke

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eal7wl/one_of_the_oldest_joke/
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Why didn't the skeletons cross the road

Cause they didn't have the guts to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eal60u/why_didnt_the_skeletons_cross_the_road/
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What do you call it when a vegan is in a food coma?

They’re in a vegetative state

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eakv6k/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_vegan_is_in_a_food_coma/
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What do you call a cup that silences you when you drink it?

A shut the fu-cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eakv27/what_do_you_call_a_cup_that_silences_you_when_you/
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Trojan...

I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eakrv7/trojan/
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My gf has the face of a saint

It’s a pity it’s St Bernard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eakqht/my_gf_has_the_face_of_a_saint/
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Why do people browse r/jokes while they take a dump?

For shits and giggles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eakofy/why_do_people_browse_rjokes_while_they_take_a_dump/
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What is depressed teenagers least favorite room?

The living room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eakno8/what_is_depressed_teenagers_least_favorite_room/
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What do you call an ant that can't speak but has super powers?

Mutant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eakl8d/what_do_you_call_an_ant_that_cant_speak_but_has/
%
I mistakenly splashed water on my girlfriend

She laughed it off and said, "this is the first time you are making me wet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eakjup/i_mistakenly_splashed_water_on_my_girlfriend/
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A Mailman is about to retire

He is doing his last route before he is done with this. Many people have given him gifts and things as thanks, but one house had a package that needed signed for. So he went to the door, and the hottest woman he had ever seen greeted him and dragged him inside. She took him up to her room and banged the hell out of him. After a while she went downstairs. At first he was worried he would be late but reasoned that it was his last day and nobody would care. Soon the lady came up with a big plate of breakfast, with a dollar under his glass of orange juice. He asked the lady "Why are you doing this, im very gratefull, but why?"
"Well thats easy" said the lady "I was talking to my husband last night and asked him what kind of gift we should get you, he said "fuck him, give him a dollar." Breakfast was my idea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eakfbt/a_mailman_is_about_to_retire/
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What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eakdqw/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
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Moth psychiatrist

A moth walks into a physiotherapists office and says "I don't know what's up with me doc. I just feel really down all the time, I don't know where my life is heading".
The physio says "Why have you come here? I'm a physiotherapist, you need a psychiatrist".
The moth replies "Your light was on".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eakcy7/moth_psychiatrist/
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Rudolph had to ask Santa why Dasher and Dancer are always taking coffee breaks?

Santa: Because those two are my star bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eak9rf/rudolph_had_to_ask_santa_why_dasher_and_dancer/
%
I was trying to put on a movie but I got my dick stuck in the DVD

I really fucked Up here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eak4tb/i_was_trying_to_put_on_a_movie_but_i_got_my_dick/
%
My missus packed my bags and left them in the hallway

As I walked out the door, she screamed...
"I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!!"
"Oh!" I replied "so you want me to fucking stay now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eak4og/my_missus_packed_my_bags_and_left_them_in_the/
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Cop: I’m going to write you a ticket. If you stop acting so condescending, I’ll let you off with a warning.

Me: Don’t you mean condescendingly?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eak3ig/cop_im_going_to_write_you_a_ticket_if_you_stop/
%
There are two types of bedhead and I only enjoy one

But I'm bald so I can't get either of 'em

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eak0y8/there_are_two_types_of_bedhead_and_i_only_enjoy/
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Son: D-d-d

Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words.
Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eajt45/son_ddd/
%
Why doesn't Santa want to go down the chimney?

He has Santa Claustrophobia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eajrbj/why_doesnt_santa_want_to_go_down_the_chimney/
%
Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes.

But they are a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eajqta/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite_kind_of_jokes/
%
So a girl browses for guys to date on a website

She demands three things: that he must never hurt her, that he will never run away, and that he must be very good in bed.
A while later, her doorbell rings and she answers the door. To her surprise, it was a man with no arms, no legs, just like Nick Vujicic.
He introduces himself: "Hi, I'm Gary. I come from nearby so I waddled here. I think I'm your best selection: I have no arms so I will never hit you, and I have no legs so I will never flee."
"Ok then, but the third condition?", the girl asks.
"Well I rang the doorbell, didn't I?", Gary replied.
(Sorry I know the joke is old I'm just bored).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eajn9f/so_a_girl_browses_for_guys_to_date_on_a_website/
%
Happy holidays?

As a man who was raised Muslim I don't want to be ambiguous and say happy holidays to people.
I say happy Allah-days.
Let them know which side of the war on Christmas I'm on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eajheq/happy_holidays/
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What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eajeiw/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?

You call them antisemantic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eajckb/how_do_you_respond_to_someone_calling_you_a/
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My wife is turning 32 soon.

I told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday.
"After all", I said,
"The celebrations are only going to last half a minute".
"What are you talking about?" She asked.
"It's your thirty second birthday".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaj4sl/my_wife_is_turning_32_soon/
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Passing through Issaquah, Washington, we weren't sure how it was pronounced. Stopping at a local business, we asked "Could you tell us, very slowly, exactly where we are right now?"

The answer came back across the crackly speaker "BUUURRRGERRR KINGGG!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaiye5/passing_through_issaquah_washington_we_werent/
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Three daughters

A woman is walking home with her 3 daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.”
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."
The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!" (do an exaggerated impression).
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eair1l/three_daughters/
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What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler.

Usain Bolt can finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaih8c/what_is_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and/
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Me: What's the wifi password?

My friend: blow me first.
Me: Alright.
Later, me: So... what's the wifi password?
My friend: blowmefirst, no caps no spaces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaiad9/me_whats_the_wifi_password/
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If you boil a funny bone

It becomes a laughing stock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eai64i/if_you_boil_a_funny_bone/
%
I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.
I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.
I'm socially awkward, even my only other co-worker fucking hates my guts.
I have repressed lust for one of my best friends too.
She's athletic, smart and a gorgeous southern bell.
I love her.
You know what it's like, I've been friend zoned real hard.
She's my only real friend, besides this one kid, who I'm pretty sure is only hanging around me because he is mentally challenged.
I guess he's the only one that can tolerate me.
And what makes this all fucking worse is that I live in a fucking pineapple under the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eai5sm/im_done_guys_im_fucking_sick_of_this_im_almost_20/
%
What keeps the ocean from leaking out?

The seals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eai0oe/what_keeps_the_ocean_from_leaking_out/
%
Young women is standing downstairs. How do explain it in one word?

Misunderstanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eai0i4/young_women_is_standing_downstairs_how_do_explain/
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2 guys are talking at a bar

one guy tells the other "unbelievable my 3rd  wife died" the other guy says" what happened to the first one? "he says" she ate poisonous mushrooms" "and the second?" he replies "poisonous mushrooms" shocked the other guy says "and let me guess the third one ate some poisonous mushrooms" the other guy says "no a broken skull which resulted in a brain injury" the other guy says "holy shit really?" the man says "yeah she didn't wanna eat the mushrooms"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eahsxd/2_guys_are_talking_at_a_bar/
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How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb?

One can't, but toucan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eahst7/how_many_birds_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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A very wealthy man goes in a New Your bank and loans $10, leaving his Rolls Royce for collateral.

He then goes on a trip overseas, and returns a month later. He immediately goes to the bank, pays the $10 plus 5 cents interest, and turns to leave.
The president of the bank can't contain himself, and rushes up to the man to ask "Why did you borrow $10 when you're so rich? And why leave a $200K Rolls Royce as collateral?"
The man chuckles, and says "Where else could I store it for a month for only a nickle?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eahmmw/a_very_wealthy_man_goes_in_a_new_your_bank_and/
%
What’s more impressive that a talking parrot?

A spelling bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eahm4e/whats_more_impressive_that_a_talking_parrot/
%
A man was sitting near a corner of a park, eating a hamburger

A lady with a dog comes and sits next to him
The dog starts whining seeing the hamburger
So the man asks the lady,"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?"
"Not at all" the lady replies, pleased
So the man got up and threw the dog over the park fence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eahi1u/a_man_was_sitting_near_a_corner_of_a_park_eating/
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Somewhere over the Alps...

A strictly vegetarian airliner crashes during a storm. A large portion of the passengers and crew receive serious brain damage, while a few are mostly unharmed. With so little food on-board, these few are given a choice: Eat the others, or do the morally correct thing and try to survive on what they can scavenge from the wreckage.
Days later, the survivors are still going strong, despite have not broken their diet.
\*Explanation: Vegetables. Get it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eah5wr/somewhere_over_the_alps/
%
One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.

He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle."
The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eah13e/one_morning_while_his_wife_was_making_breakfast_a/
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What do you call scissoring in Canada?

Fur Trading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eah0eo/what_do_you_call_scissoring_in_canada/
%
Three kids needed to cross over a deep valley to get back home, but the bridge they had used was now completely broken.

Taking notice to the kids' troubling situation, a magical being appeared with an offer:
"You will be transformed into the next word you speak."
Very confused, the first kid said, "Bird?". To his astonishment, he transformed into a beautiful bird and flew across the river.
"Butterfly!", shouted the second kid, excited to take flight. Sure enough, he turned into a colorful butterfly and proceeded to flutter across the river.
Taking a step back, mesmerised by his friends' new appearances,  the third kid tripped over a large rock.
"Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eagywa/three_kids_needed_to_cross_over_a_deep_valley_to/
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Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform?

in the audit-orium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eagu9s/where_do_actors_that_dont_pay_taxes_perform/
%
What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eagtyf/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
%
An old married couple are in church one day… when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really wet, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eagtck/an_old_married_couple_are_in_church_one_day_when/
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

BREATHE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eagt9a/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
%
A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6.

He seemed irritated when I answered “kindergarten!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eags62/a_police_officer_came_to_my_house_and_asked_me/
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Chess with a friend

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaggm0/chess_with_a_friend/
%
"Orions belt is a big waist of space"

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eagbaz/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
%
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, potbellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."
"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries." The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.
When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eag9wf/an_engineer_a_psychologist_and_a_theologian_were/
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What part of the body dies last when you die?

The pupils, they dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eafsv6/what_part_of_the_body_dies_last_when_you_die/
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A man bets his wife she can't make him happy and sad at the same time.

His wife thinks about it for a minute and then replies
"Your dick is way bigger than all your friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eafndp/a_man_bets_his_wife_she_cant_make_him_happy_and/
%
“waiter waiter! what am I eating?”

“It’s called the Tomato Surprise” replies the waiter
“But I don’t see any tomatoes?”
“That’s the surprise”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eafnbp/waiter_waiter_what_am_i_eating/
%
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog

, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree. The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred. 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning. The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex! (You have to love this) The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eafl3r/one_hot_summer_day_a_blonde_came_to_town_with_her/
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I don’t like when people write Chinese words using English letters.

But that’s just my pinyin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eafdk6/i_dont_like_when_people_write_chinese_words_using/
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My meth head friend told me drugs help him fit his whole day into a four hour period

"Take some more", I told him. "You could fit your whole life in one afternoon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eafcnp/my_meth_head_friend_told_me_drugs_help_him_fit/
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I called the tinnitus helpline today

It didn't stop ringing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaf06m/i_called_the_tinnitus_helpline_today/
%
How to nail a job interview

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.  The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a  glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak  barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest  results.”
"Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly  suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass  of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaeu74/how_to_nail_a_job_interview/
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What do the children of anti-vaxx parents and dark humor have in common?

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaesjx/what_do_the_children_of_antivaxx_parents_and_dark/
%
The bet

A man walks into a bar and yells to the bartender, "I bet you 500 bucks I can fill an entire pitcher with pee!"
The bartender scoffs, rolling his eyes, "No thanks, we already serve American beer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaerou/the_bet/
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I hope this is a good place for my (admiralble) monstrosity.

I was once an admiral, but only fleetingly. One of my captains only stayed at the back of his ship, he was so stern. Another decorated the front of his with bow-ties. The ship of the third somehow shrunk to his size and cap-sized. Eventually they a-mast some followers and threw me overboard - a rudder upsetting experience...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaerms/i_hope_this_is_a_good_place_for_my_admiralble/
%
What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery man has in common?

They both smell it but neither gets to eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaei9d/what_does_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_man/
%
Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenny," he says.
"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.
"I have four questions," he says.
"First -- what happened in Benghazi? Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State? Fourth -- who killed Jeffrey Epstein?"
Just then the bell rings for recess.
Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says,
"Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?”
A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.
"What is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have six questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State? "Fourth -- who killed Jeffrey Epstein? Fifth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, sixth -- where's Kenny?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaedh3/hillary_clinton_goes_to_a_giftedstudent_primary/
%
Julius Ceasar time travelled to today.

He was full of questions, but I was rather busy so I showed him a few things. and I showed him how he can look things up, and translate on the internet. After about an hour I hear "Wow" so I asked "what's going on" he said "I was trying to figure out how to write 30, and I didn't expect to see that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaed6p/julius_ceasar_time_travelled_to_today/
%
Why is a small cruise ship like a guy suffering from premature ejaculation?

Both of them only need a couple of tugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaebjq/why_is_a_small_cruise_ship_like_a_guy_suffering/
%
2 Nuns

Late one night, 2 nuns were driving a minivan down a dark country road. All of a sudden a dark shadow flys past the van. The nun driving said to the other nun "Did you see that?!". "See what?!". "The shadow that flew past?".
They kept driving down the road when the same shadow flew past. "Did you see it that time?!" Said the first nun. "I did I did!" Replied the second nun.
They continued to drive down the road, frightened of what the shadow was, when all of a sudden..
BANG!!!
A vampire had landed on the hood of the minivan.
"What should we do?" Said the second nun. "Show him your cross!" Replied the other nun. So the second nun gets out of the van and goes up to the vampire and says "GET OFF THE FUCKING HOOD!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaebgp/2_nuns/
%
What is it called when you get high and then eat ice cream?

Getting cold-stoned.
I thought of this while I was in the shower, so I ran downstairs and told my wife. We both laughed and she gave me a high five, and here we are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaeao0/what_is_it_called_when_you_get_high_and_then_eat/
%
About 15 years ago, my girlfriend dumped me on a tv show that ended up airing on tv.

This is very personal information to me guys, so whatever you do, don't watch "To Catch a Predator" episode 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eae3pl/about_15_years_ago_my_girlfriend_dumped_me_on_a/
%
A deaf couple just got married

The wife signs to her husband "we need a way to communicate in the dark. When you want are in the mood, touch my left breast, if not, touch my right breast."
The man responded by signing back "ok sounds simple. I have something similar. If you are feeling frisky pull my penis one time, if not pull it about a three hundred times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eae1f8/a_deaf_couple_just_got_married/
%
The notes

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note saying, "I've had enough and left you, don't bother coming after me."
She then hid under the bed to watch his reaction.
After a short while, the husband came home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She watched him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before he picked up the phone and called someone. "She's finally gone ... Yeah, I know, about bloody time. I'm coming to pick you up. Put on the sexy French stuff. I love you."
He hung up, grabbed his car keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage. With tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he'd written: "I can see your feet. Stop being retarded. We're outta bread, throw the kettle on. Back in 5 minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaduc3/the_notes/
%
A 15 year old boy was at the center of Cook County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and conference with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New York Knicks, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eadkft/a_15_year_old_boy_was_at_the_center_of_cook/
%
Serial killer jokes are ok

As long as they are properly executed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eadkdb/serial_killer_jokes_are_ok/
%
What type of elf is the rudest?

A go fuck yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaddxh/what_type_of_elf_is_the_rudest/
%
A lot of times I'm depressed throughout the week, and then the weekend comes and I'm worse...

Some would call it a sadder day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ead290/a_lot_of_times_im_depressed_throughout_the_week/
%
What did the trees say to the Australians pruning them?

Eucalyptus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eacsjx/what_did_the_trees_say_to_the_australians_pruning/
%
Guys, I am diagnosed with multi personality disorder!

Hahaha, me too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaci9c/guys_i_am_diagnosed_with_multi_personality/
%
Two kids were walking down the street. One was drinking battery acid and the other one was eating firecrackers.

Police charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaccwx/two_kids_were_walking_down_the_street_one_was/
%
What do you call a gay french man?

A faguette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eac59c/what_do_you_call_a_gay_french_man/
%
I am also a proud antivaxx mother, flat earther, Trump enthusiast and know for a fact climate change isnt real.

There's no punchline, ive already told you the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eac4fg/i_am_also_a_proud_antivaxx_mother_flat_earther/
%
I feel bad for the guy with a stutter who died in prison...

He didn’t even finish his sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eac2s8/i_feel_bad_for_the_guy_with_a_stutter_who_died_in/
%
What has two rear ends and likes to kill?

An assassin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eabt3n/what_has_two_rear_ends_and_likes_to_kill/
%
I did get divorced last week because my wife forgot my birthday

But that wasn't everything: My parents forgot and  so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a  happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy  birthday, boss!"
I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch.
After  lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, "Do  you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.
She  came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my  kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!"
while I  was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eabnho/i_did_get_divorced_last_week_because_my_wife/
%
I love Dad jokes, like when he tells you to pull his finger

Then like 30-40 tugs later you’re like “Hey th-that’s not your finger!”
LOL good one Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eabnej/i_love_dad_jokes_like_when_he_tells_you_to_pull/
%
Working at the unemployment office is extremely stressful

Even when you get fired you still have to come into work the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eabm0j/working_at_the_unemployment_office_is_extremely/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for their room

They said, "Thanks."
"Don't mention it," I answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eabjac/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_their_room/
%
Some Roman soldiers walk into a bar. One of them holds up two fingers...

Five beers, please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eabhit/some_roman_soldiers_walk_into_a_bar_one_of_them/
%
An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"
The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go. "Play alone, we're a-leavin'. Wild Bill's comin' to town."
The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing; a strong one at that. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change."
After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer, and pushes the bill back to the reporter. "The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town." Without another word the 'tender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the man in an empty bar.
Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he's about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something; so he waits...
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, Bong<CRACK!>- Just as the clock strikes the first chime of twelve, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The reporter runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a tornado coming right for the bar. The reporter hits the ground and watches as the tornado comes up to the bar and stops.
The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face <WHAM!>, knocking it cold on the ground.
The writer is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. <KaPLOW!> the giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters that imbed themselves into the walls and break bottles and glasses that they touch.
The beast of a man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the writer and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, "GIMME A DRINK!"
The writer comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whisky; which the giant snatches up, chews the glass tops off of, and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles showering the frightened writer with shards that rain down.
Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the writer stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, "W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?"
The Goliath turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock... "Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill's comin' to town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eabbbc/an_old_dime_store_novel_writer_walks_into_a_saloon/
%
Why did Spiderman hate driving in the city with his evil twin from the mirror universe?

Because he was a bad parallel Parker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eab339/why_did_spiderman_hate_driving_in_the_city_with/
%
"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.
"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"
"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaayg0/hey_i_heard_china_just_legalized_samesex_marriage/
%
Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how was-a da treep?”
Luigi said, “Everyting was-a perfecto except-a for da train-a ride down.”
“Whata you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.
“Well, we board-a da train at Gran-a Central Station. My-a beautiful Virginia, she pack-a biga basketa food. She brought-a da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking-a forward to-a da trip, and open up-a da lunch-a basket. The conductor come-a by, wagga his finger at us and-a say, “No eat inna dis car. Musta use-a da dining car.”
“So, me and-a my beautiful Virginia , we go to-a da dining car, eata big-a lunch and starta to open da bottle of a nice-a vino! Conductor walk-a by again, wagga his finger and say, “No drink inna dis car! Must-a use da club-a car.”
“So, we go to-a da club-a car. While-a drinkin da vino, I start-a to light-a my big-a cigar. The conductor, he wagga his finger again and say, “No smoke in-a dis car. Musta go to-a da smokin car.”
“We go to-a da smokin car and I smoke-a my big-a cigar. Then-a my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to-a da sleeper car and-a go to-a da bed. We just about to make-a da honeymoon love and the conductor, he walk-a through da hallway shouting at-a da top of his-a voice, “No-fork-a Virginia! No-fork-a Virginia!”
“Next-a time, I’ma just gonna take-a da bus.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaaq77/italian_honeymoon/
%
Oh Jerry

Jerry was in a Hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"
The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."
Jerry pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaap6n/oh_jerry/
%
Why are carpenters such good witnesses?

Because they saw everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaam9f/why_are_carpenters_such_good_witnesses/
%
Why did the topping leave the pizza dough?

Because it was too kneady!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaae6m/why_did_the_topping_leave_the_pizza_dough/
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Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaa40f/yesterday_one_of_my_good_friends_told_me_i_often/
%
I'm already looking forward to 2021.

Then hindsight will actually be 2020 for a whole year...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaa1f9/im_already_looking_forward_to_2021/
%
I told my crush that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy

But she didn't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaa0zc/i_told_my_crush_that_the_opposite_of_love_isnt/
%
How did the dentist suddenly become a brain surgeon?

A slip of the hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/eaa0zd/how_did_the_dentist_suddenly_become_a_brain/
%
There were two birds, one named Pete and the other named Repeat. If Pete flew away, who would be left?

Repeat.
Ok, So there were two birds...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea9zrv/there_were_two_birds_one_named_pete_and_the_other/
%
Three tampons are sitting at a bus stop. What do they say to each other?

Nothing. They’re stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea9yqt/three_tampons_are_sitting_at_a_bus_stop_what_do/
%
I saw my math teacher walk into her office with a piece of graphing paper.

I think she was plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea9xzu/i_saw_my_math_teacher_walk_into_her_office_with_a/
%
What does a leper say after having sex with a prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea9xmk/what_does_a_leper_say_after_having_sex_with_a/
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What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?

A beaver dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea9x2q/what_do_you_call_the_lesbian_version_of_a_cock/
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If a midget tells you your hair smells nice…

…is that sexual harassment?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea9usp/if_a_midget_tells_you_your_hair_smells_nice/
%
Why is Santa so damn jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea9t8c/why_is_santa_so_damn_jolly/
%
A Japanese, a German and a Mexican are lost in a tropical island, when they found a cannibal tribe

“We eat you now” -Says the tribe boss.
“Please, no” -Says the mexican. -“you can eat fruits if you want, why humans being”
“We like human, we eat humans” -said the boss.
“If we bring you fruits, you can eat fruits instead of eating us” -Continue the mexican.
The tribe boss seems convinced
“Good, each of you bring 10 of the same fruit” -Finally said the boss.
The first one to bring 10 fruits was the german. He brought 10 apples.
“You take the apples and put them into your ass” -said the boss -“You can’t cry, you can’t scream, you can’t laugh. If you do so, we eat you”
The german starts to put the apples inside his anus but after the 6th he scream in pain and start crying.
“Now we eat you” -finish the tribe boss.
The second was the japanase, he brought cherries. The tribe boss gave him exactly the same instructions. The Japanese look at the fruits and was convinced that he wouldn’t eat him alive. So he start putting the cherries in his ass. First cherrie, second cherrie, third cherrie... until just one more cherrie, then he start laughing like a crazy motherfucker.
“You laugh” -said the tribe boss “-we eat you now”
The Japanese still laughs.
“Why are you laugh? You were close to live” -says the tribe boss.
“Because the mexican...” -said the Japanese laughing -“The poor motherfucker brought pineapples”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea9jiw/a_japanese_a_german_and_a_mexican_are_lost_in_a/
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I'm throwing a party for a bunch of science geeks tomorrow night

First person who falls asleep gets "The Earth Is Flat" in sharpie on their forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea9isl/im_throwing_a_party_for_a_bunch_of_science_geeks/
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Life is a lot like Jenga

If you don’t pull out correctly, everything can fall apart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea9hk1/life_is_a_lot_like_jenga/
%
Eating a watch

I ate a watch once.
It was pretty time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea9eg0/eating_a_watch/
%
A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea9e9b/a_man_is_involved_in_a_minor_car_accident_and/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.
-Mike Tyson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea9c4p/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Little Johnny's teacher gives the class a homework assignment

, "Explain the difference between a theory and reality." Little Johnny goes home and is so stumped he asks his sisters ages 21 and 16 for help, and they can't come up with anything either. He then tries asking his father. The father thinks for a bit and replies, "Go to your older sister and ask her if she would suck a guys dick. Then ask her if she would do it for a million dollars. Then go to your younger sister and ask her the same two questions. Write down their answers and bring it back to me." Johnny says, "Okay," and runs off to find his older sister. He asks her the first question and she responds, "Maybe, if I like him." "Would you do it for a million dollars?" She replies, "Hell yes!" He finds the younger sister and asks her the same questions. Her first reply was "Eeeew, no!" but the second answer was "Yeah, sure." Johnny writes down their answers and takes them back to his father. The father looks over them and replies, "There you go." Johnny asks, "What do you mean?" The father says, "Well in theory we have two million dollars, but in reality we have two cocksuckers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea9b9z/little_johnnys_teacher_gives_the_class_a_homework/
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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea99tl/a_doctor_told_a_guy_that_masturbating_before_sex/
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A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange.

The bartender goes,
"OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"
Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."
Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks for another, then begins his story: "When I was a young man I traveled the world: Egypt, China, Arabia, everywhere. One day I found a magic lamp and a genie granted me 3 wishes.
'Really?' I said.
'Anything?' 'Anything,' said the genie. 'Okay,' I said.
'First wish... I wish I had a wallet that always had a thousand dollars in it.' 'Granted,' said the genie."
"Wait, wait," interrupts the bartender. "You don't expect me to believe that?" "Are you kidding? My head's a fucking orange!" snaps the man with the orange head. But just to prove it, he pulls out a worn wallet and slaps ten $100 notes on the bar. The bartender shuts up and the guy with the orange head continues.
"For my second wish, I asked to be irresistible to women."
"Bullshit," says the bartender. The guy looks across the bar at a beautiful woman he's never met and says, "Hey, baby, want to go home with me tonight?" The woman squeals with delight, nods, rushes over, buys him a drink, and hangs off him lovingly. She doesn't even seem to notice that half of his head is a piece of fruit. Awed, the bartender pours another round, and asks in a hushed voice, "So... your face... your head... the third wish?" The man nods and downs another shot of whiskey. "What happened?" whispered the bartender, leaning forward. "For my third wish..." whispers the man. "...I wished... that half of my head... were a giant orange."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea98au/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_half_of_his_head_is_a/
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What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decalfinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea94ab/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_just_gave_birth/
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What Do You Call A Storm Of Pidgeons?

Shitty Weather

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea919v/what_do_you_call_a_storm_of_pidgeons/
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"WARNING"

Female aliens are kidnapping men with big penises this Christmas.
Obviously, you're not in danger but I am putting this on here to let you know, This spaceship is fucking awesome!!!
Merry Christmas redditers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea8t9t/warning/
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Today I asked out a girl at the gym

She told me gym is her boyfriend.  I laughed and kept chatting with her.  Then Jim kicked my fucking ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea8t3d/today_i_asked_out_a_girl_at_the_gym/
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Why do divorces cost so much?

Because they’re worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea8sqz/why_do_divorces_cost_so_much/
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I asked around about LGBQT

I couldn’t get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea83x1/i_asked_around_about_lgbqt/
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I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea804r/i_am_a_proud_antivax_parent_of_4_children/
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Post office workers are going through the mail and find a letter addressed simply To Santa

Since they've nowhere to send it to, they open the letter and find the most tragic childish scribbling:
"Dear Santa,
My name is Timmy and I live in an orphanage. I have no mom or dad. We have barely any heating and it gets very cold. I know you are very busy, but could you please send me a a hat, a scarf, and maybe some mittens?
Love,
Timmy"
The post office workers, heartbroken, pool in what they can, and buy the boy a hat and a scarf. Unfortunately, they couldn't collect enough for mittens. They send the gifts to the orphanage.
Two weeks later, as they come back to work after Christmas, they find another letter with the same, familiar handwriting.
"Dear Santa,
Thank you very much for your gifts. I received the hat and the scarf. I didn't get any mittens though. Must be those thieving assholes at the post office".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea7isl/post_office_workers_are_going_through_the_mail/
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What’s the best resolution for the new year?

4K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea7gzs/whats_the_best_resolution_for_the_new_year/
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What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua?

A hot, diggety dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea71j9/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_chili_pepper/
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What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea6yez/whats_red_and_smells_like_blue_paint/
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The little man in the hat. (OC)

There was the short man, about 2-3 ft tall, who had a tall pointy red hat and a big white beard. He would walk around subways and metros and find those people who sit on the ground play music for money.
This man would go up to them and start to stomp and clap a beat for them. Most of the time the musicians would enjoy and encourage the assistance.
One day when this man was off doing his thing, a talent agent who happened to be commuting through the same metro station heard this man’s percussive assistance and had a brilliant idea.
The talent agent realized that his clients, as good as they were with singing lacked a steady rhythm. So the talent agent decided to try to hire this man who had a gift for rhythm.
The agent approached the little man and asked him, “ Hello sir, I represent a certain talent agency that works with famous singers, and I couldn’t stop my self from hearing your rhythmical talents. I was wondering if you would want to come and work for me assisting famous singers maintain a solid beat?”
The little man replies with delight, “Boy, I’d love too!”
The agent says, “Great! What’s your name, I’ll start the paper work as soon as I can and get in touch with you.”
The little man says, “they call me the metro-gnome”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea6wj5/the_little_man_in_the_hat_oc/
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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea6rfl/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
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[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?

Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea6iur/at_the_museum_her_do_you_think_we_are_allowed_to/
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I finally got a chance to feel what it was like to have sex as a woman...

There was a large earthquake in our area and all I had to do was just lay there, scream and cover my head while the bed shook around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea69cy/i_finally_got_a_chance_to_feel_what_it_was_like/
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A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".
Genie: Wait, what? Why?
Man: It's for a joke, trust me.
Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?
Man: Yes.
Burger King: Have it your way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea5zuq/a_man_stumbles_upon_a_magic_lamp_with_a_genie/
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how to burn 2,000 calories

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea5v62/how_to_burn_2000_calories/
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A boy gets stopped by a cop on a horse while riding his new bike.

The cop then asks the boy if Santa gave him the bike. The boy happily replies with a yes. The cop then says “well, tell Santa that there needs to be a light at the front!”  before he promptly gives him a ticket. The boy, quite angry at the situation, then asks if the officer got his horse from Santa. “Yes hahaha!” he replies with a mocking voice.
“Well, you should tell Santa that the asshole is supposed to be at the rear of the horse, not on top”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea5l44/a_boy_gets_stopped_by_a_cop_on_a_horse_while/
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How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea57nl/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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What do you call 2 hippies who pass away at the same time?

Tie-Die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea4zaq/what_do_you_call_2_hippies_who_pass_away_at_the/
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A tour bus full of noisy Americans arrived at Runnymede, England.

They gathered around the tour guide, who told them that they were standing near the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta. A large man pushed his way through the crowd and asked, "When did that happen?" "1215", the guide answered. "Damn! We missed it by half an hour!", the man exclaimed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea4ue6/a_tour_bus_full_of_noisy_americans_arrived_at/
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A man told his wife, “I’m so busy...

I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.” She said, “from the look on your face, I’d say you’re going; when you’re coming, you look like a stroke victim trying to whistle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea4rcs/a_man_told_his_wife_im_so_busy/
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My girlfriend told me that she's leaving because I'm too immature...

Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea4oau/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_shes_leaving_because/
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I remember being a kid, just laying in bed, waiting for Santa Claus to come....

Then that awkward silence when he got dressed and left....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea4l82/i_remember_being_a_kid_just_laying_in_bed_waiting/
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A woman walks into the kitchen and sees her husband drinking from a shot glass at 7am...

Her:”A bit early to be drinking isn’t it?”
Him:”It’s tea”
Her:”What kind of tea do you drink from a shot glass?”
Him:”Tea-quilla”
From my 10 year old son.
Ps. I can stop drinking anytime I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea4h4k/a_woman_walks_into_the_kitchen_and_sees_her/
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Kinda dark but still SFW

A woman was walking home with her 3 daughters.
The first one asked here
“Mom why did you chose my name”
and the mom says
“Well, when we were walking home from the hospital a rose petal fell on your head so we named you Rose”
The second daughter then asks.
“What about me?”
The mom responds
“On the way home from the hospital a lily petal fell onto your head sober called you Lily.”
The third daughter then says
“HHHGGGGGHGLLHHHGGGGGGGGFFFFLFFFGHGG”
And the mom replies
“Hush now cinder block”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea4asf/kinda_dark_but_still_sfw/
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I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea48a5/i_need_a_raise/
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What is a zucchini's favorite sport?

Squash!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea46w3/what_is_a_zucchinis_favorite_sport/
%
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea3wro/what_did_the_boy_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
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Came into a bit of money

Anyone know how to get semen off of dollar bills?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea3vrs/came_into_a_bit_of_money/
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How many geeks does it take to ruin a joke?

You mean nerd, not geek. And not joke, but riddle. Proceed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea3v95/how_many_geeks_does_it_take_to_ruin_a_joke/
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What vegetables are a sailors enemy?

leeks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea3qmi/what_vegetables_are_a_sailors_enemy/
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[NSFW] Gordon Ramsey: "F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"

"Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so.  Don't make a production out of it." -  His wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea3po8/nsfw_gordon_ramsey_fing_hell_this_tastes_like/
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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"
He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea3phl/it_was_the_mailmans_last_day_on_the_job_after_35/
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How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

Walking
Jk
Rowling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea3opf/how_does_harry_potter_get_down_a_hill/
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Totally didn't steal this from r/iamverysmart

Once, the Oracle of Delphi had declared Socrates to be the wisest man in the world.
In response, Socrates said "Surely I'm not, for there's so much about this world that I don't know. I know not the meaning of life nor truth nor purpose, and so much more. Please, Oracle, let me find the true wisest man and bring them to you."
He set out about questioning everybody and anybody, searching for a wise man who had the answers he so sought. He went to the fish monger, to the politican, to the soilder and to the baker.
In the end, they all had answers to the meaning of life and truth and purpose. Family, legacy, honor, money.
But there was no one answer. No universal, agreed upon idea. Socrates returned to the Oracle of Delphi, hanging his head in shame and defeat. "I've found nobody with a proper answer, and I have no answer myself, for I am clueless and know nothing of the vast truth that lies beyond my comprehension or understanding."
"And that is why you are the wisest man on earth." Said the Oracle. "For you realize you know nothing rather than claiming intelligence like a twat waffle on twitter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea3kq2/totally_didnt_steal_this_from_riamverysmart/
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Whenever I asked my dad if we could have pets, he said no.

He said, “Pets are just a step backwards.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea3hi0/whenever_i_asked_my_dad_if_we_could_have_pets_he/
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What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

You’d think it’s R, but it’s actually the C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea3hbc/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said "Well yeah, but people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea3fyt/a_vegan_said_to_me_that_people_who_sell_meat_are/
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If you are what you eat

Then I’m an innocent man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea3e3i/if_you_are_what_you_eat/
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I like your thinking

A teacher asks her class: “If there are 3 birds on a lake and you shoot one of them how many will be left?”
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot” The teacher replies: “The correct answer is 2, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says:
"I have a question for you."
There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
"Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied: “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” To which Little Johnny replied: “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea3bag/i_like_your_thinking/
%
Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was

She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes.
Oh, and also fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea39ke/today_i_asked_a_girl_at_the_gym_what_her_new/
%
I read a horror story about a thermometer once...

It was chilling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea37yn/i_read_a_horror_story_about_a_thermometer_once/
%
I smashed my keyboard and I'm so angry..

I lost ctrl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea35x6/i_smashed_my_keyboard_and_im_so_angry/
%
Why are christmas trees so fond of the past?

Because the present's beneath them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea329p/why_are_christmas_trees_so_fond_of_the_past/
%
I like my humor like I like my blood

Irony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea31i5/i_like_my_humor_like_i_like_my_blood/
%
My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea2u6j/my_girlfriend_refused_to_have_unprotected_sex/
%
2 dudes talking about their time in prison.

Dude 1: The judge told me I was going to be convicted for murder and I would have to be in prison for 10 years. He asked me if I wanted to say something. I knew I was innocent so I started talking, until the moment where I was going to prove that I wasn't the murderer, then the judge interrupted me. And the judge's decision was final, I was going to prison for 10 years.
Now they released me after 5 years.
Dude 2: Wow man, that really sucks.
Dude 1: Yeah, I wish i could have finished my sentence.
Dude 2: Why would you want to be in prison 5 more years?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea2fim/2_dudes_talking_about_their_time_in_prison/
%
The American education system obviously listens to Pink Floyd…

…they've left those kids a loan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea27l5/the_american_education_system_obviously_listens/
%
What kind of fish is made of only 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea25xh/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_of_only_2_sodium_atoms/
%
I met this girl at a vegan restaurant she said she knew me.

But I never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea25eu/i_met_this_girl_at_a_vegan_restaurant_she_said/
%
How about that Brexit, huh?

I've haven't seen so many Brits pull out since Madonna was dating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea240w/how_about_that_brexit_huh/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea22e3/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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Roses are red, violets are blue, I have Alzheimer’s

...
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have Alzheimer’s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea1vb8/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue_i_have_alzheimers/
%
The word of the day is legs!

*spread the word!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea1fh0/the_word_of_the_day_is_legs/
%
I bet they are ferocious

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.
She asked, "What are their names?"
The blonde replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex."
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helllooo?" said the blonde. "They're watch dogs..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea11ml/i_bet_they_are_ferocious/
%
The wedding was so beautiful.

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea10j1/the_wedding_was_so_beautiful/
%
Grammar Nazi's!!!!

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea0ywz/grammar_nazis/
%
What did the Left Nut say to the right nut?

Don't talk to the guy in the middle he's a d*ck!.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea0hde/what_did_the_left_nut_say_to_the_right_nut/
%
Don't you hate people that are famous only because of their parents...

I mean Jesus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea0dxl/dont_you_hate_people_that_are_famous_only_because/
%
I've got the attention span of a mosquito.

It sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea09tx/ive_got_the_attention_span_of_a_mosquito/
%
A man comes across a sleeping elephant in the jungle...

Apologises and wipes it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ea03vt/a_man_comes_across_a_sleeping_elephant_in_the/
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"Robot Walks in to a bar .... "

Robot walks into a bar Orders a drink, lays down a bill Bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve robots"And the robot says, "Oh, but someday you will"
**Bonus:**
Boy wants a car from his dad Dad says, "First, you got to cut that hair"Boy says, "Hey, Dad, Jesus had long hair"And Dad says, "That's right son, Jesus walked everywhere"
**Thanks to David Berman lyrical genius (RIP)**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9zwsh/robot_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
To whoever stole my antidepressants...

I hope you're happy now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9zwfm/to_whoever_stole_my_antidepressants/
%
To make a long story short,

Summarize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9zpub/to_make_a_long_story_short/
%
Stranded unfortunately...

##
3 men survive a plane crash in the ocean and wash up on a random remote island. They are soon captured by the local natives who tie them up and keep them captive. After a few days of being tied up, the are brought in front of The Chief. The Chief informs them that they're to go out into the jungle and find 10 pieces of the exact same fruit and bring them back here for judgement. If they fail the judgement then they will be eaten! The Chief also informs that if they try to run and hide, they will be easily hunted down and also eaten! The 3 men scatter and about an hour later 2 of the 3 have returned. The Chief summons the first man forward who has with him 10 apples. The Chief informs the first man to shove all 10 apples up his bottom one by one and if he shows any sign of discomfort, he will be taken away to be eaten. If he were to succeed, the natives will build him a boat and he can leave. The first man puts one apple up his backside and is fine. He begins to put the second one up but screams in pain! The local natives grab him and begin to tie him up to prep him for eating. The Chief summons the second man forward who has gathered 10 berries. The Chief tells him the same deal. The second man puts the first berry up, the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eight, ninth and as he is about to put the last one up he begins bursting out with laughter. The local natives grab him and also tie him up, throwing him to the ground where the first man is tied up. The first man says to the second man - "What happened, you were on the last berry why did you start laughing?" - the second man still laughing, motions with his head over to the distance where the first man spots the third man coming back with... Pineapples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9z7rs/stranded_unfortunately/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9z00j/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
I used to date a dyslexic woman.

I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9yocn/i_used_to_date_a_dyslexic_woman/
%
I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me there landlord and that kinda makes them my

Tenants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ymwa/i_was_in_my_room_and_saw_10_ants_running/
%
In gym, i saw a cute beautiful girl. I asked her

Do you know how to train your trapezoids?
She shrugged...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9yi66/in_gym_i_saw_a_cute_beautiful_girl_i_asked_her/
%
People keep telling me my hubris will be my downfall

Luckily I know I’m wise enough for hubris not to effect me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9y76e/people_keep_telling_me_my_hubris_will_be_my/
%
What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red Paint
Credit goes to Keri from Mythbusters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9y6ck/whats_red_and_smells_like_blue_paint/
%
There's two morons sitting on a bridge, the big one falls off. The other didn't...

He was a little moron
-Stephen King

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9xywv/theres_two_morons_sitting_on_a_bridge_the_big_one/
%
What do you get when you stack two lasagnas on top of each other?

One lasagna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9xlb7/what_do_you_get_when_you_stack_two_lasagnas_on/
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I’m outta here!!

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home  again, decided to leave a note, saying,
"I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me"
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie.
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.
She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9xiq7/im_outta_here/
%
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9xhqf/did_you_hear_mary_poppins_stopped_wearing/
%
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you."
So I'm pretty excited for 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9xg2p/today_at_the_gym_i_asked_a_girl_what_her_new/
%
A lady asked her doctor if she can get pregnant from having anal sex.

The doctor said "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9xf3z/a_lady_asked_her_doctor_if_she_can_get_pregnant/
%
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9xba7/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_a/
%
Someone's been stealing the tires off of police cars recently

Police are working tirelessly trying to find him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9x5a5/someones_been_stealing_the_tires_off_of_police/
%
Intercourse is a lot like AirPods

It seems like everybody has it, but I just know that for me it cost a lot of money to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9x1iu/intercourse_is_a_lot_like_airpods/
%
So there is this guy in the old folks home

He’s talking with Barbara and the subject of sex comes up. Barbara says “Ray you old coot, you couldn’t get it up if you wanted to.” “I know I know but I wished I had someone to just hold it sometimes.” Ray says. “Well I could do that.” Says Barbara.
And they got to a secluded place and she did. Many times in fact, it became a regular thing. Until one day that is. She wheeled up to the spot and he wasn’t there. Her heart sank. He must have died she thought and went looking. Finally she found someone with some info on that Ray was in fact alive and had just seen him a few minutes before. As she wheeled around the corner she saw him, with none other than Nancy May, holding his dick!
Ray! You two timing son of a bitch! What does Nancy May have that I don’t?
Párkinsons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9wyaj/so_there_is_this_guy_in_the_old_folks_home/
%
Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground ?

Well, Well, Well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9wvxm/did_you_hear_about_the_3_holes_in_the_ground/
%
I lost all feeling in my butt nerves. I'm not joking.

I'm dead ass serious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9wvns/i_lost_all_feeling_in_my_butt_nerves_im_not_joking/
%
When Usain Bolt misses the bus,

he waits for it at *the next stop.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9wbyb/when_usain_bolt_misses_the_bus/
%
What did the Mexican say when his homework flew out of the window?

Aye, where you going essay?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9waq4/what_did_the_mexican_say_when_his_homework_flew/
%
Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.

But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9w5bt/periods_are_100_normal_and_nothing_to_worry_about/
%
My sex life is like a Ferrari.

I don't have a Ferrari.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9w4bx/my_sex_life_is_like_a_ferrari/
%
In a lot of ways ships are like women.

And in a lot of ways they are not. If you get a new ship you can call her “The Seaward.” But if you get a new wife you can’t call her the c word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9w23w/in_a_lot_of_ways_ships_are_like_women/
%
How do you bring a Republican to their knees?

Paint your dick orange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9w1nr/how_do_you_bring_a_republican_to_their_knees/
%
Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas.

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9vtp2/husband_and_wife_are_christmas_shopping_at_a_busy/
%
A little girl walks into a pet store and tells a store associate that she’d like to buy a bunny.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or laying down.
Pointing to a tiny bunny in the corner, the employee says, “This one is a mini Rex, they are calm and quiet and a good choice for owners who are also calm in nature.” Moving on, she points at another bunny who is moving about happily and says, “This Polish is cuddly and affection if you are wanting a bunny to hold and cuddle often!” The employee smiles at the little girl and they move onto another bright-eyed bunny munching sweetly on a bit of lettuce. “This one here is a Californian! He’s a little shy but with a gentle handler he will really warm up to being held after some time passes.”
“So,” says the employee, “What do you think? Do you think one of these will work for you or should I show you a few more?”
The little girl gives a shrug and says, “I don’t think my snake really cares”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9vp2h/a_little_girl_walks_into_a_pet_store_and_tells_a/
%
How come the seagull couldn’t fly over the bay?

Cause then it would be a bagel..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9vj28/how_come_the_seagull_couldnt_fly_over_the_bay/
%
Four college girls went to take a career placement exam...

The examiner told them there is only one question - just unscramble the letters in a word. So they looked at the word and after a moment one girl said "I know what that says! It says SPINE!" "Congratulations!" said the examiner. "You will be a doctor." The other three girls examine the word some more and one says "I see SNIPE!" "Congratulations!" said the examiner. "You will be a soldier." The remaining two girls stare at the word and finally one says "The word is PINES!" "Congratulations!" said the examiner. "You will be a forest ranger." The fourth girl stares and studies for a while, and then she blushes. "I guess I'll have to be a hooker then..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9va72/four_college_girls_went_to_take_a_career/
%
[OC] Why are atomic clocks so funny?

Perfect timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9v7rx/oc_why_are_atomic_clocks_so_funny/
%
How do you trick a pervert?

Like this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9v6kc/how_do_you_trick_a_pervert/
%
My doctor diagnosed me with Anxiety and Constipation...

I’m worried shitless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9v1h6/my_doctor_diagnosed_me_with_anxiety_and/
%
Have you ever tried baby wookie meat?

It's a little chewy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9uunp/have_you_ever_tried_baby_wookie_meat/
%
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9upjg/dad_i_was_just_listening_to_the_radio_on_my_way/
%
A man dies of a heart attack at 62 years old.

His widowed wife, after days of mourning, has to arrange the funeral service. She goes to the morgue and makes arrangements. During the detailing, she explains his last few wishes.
"He always told me, if he dies without disfigurement, he would like an open casket funeral so he would be remembered for his bravery. He also always stressed that he would like to be buried in his favorite blue suit. Unfortunately, he ripped his blue suit just a month ago, and tossed it out. He was furious. Is there an option for you to provide a blue suit? I'll pay whatever the cost."
The morgue employees, with these last wishes, prepared for the service, and it was held on schedule, open casket, the deceased in a strapping blue suit. Great service, very emotional.
Once it was over, the wife goes back and thanks them all profusely, and asks to personally thank the man who got his amazing blue suit. The man comes to the lobby, the wife is so grateful to him, and asks him the cost of the suit.
"Funny story!" Said the man, "As luck would have it, on the day I was scheduled to buy a suit, a different deceased man was taken here, and he was wearing a brand new blue suit! I was amazed, he was the same size measurements and everything! No tears or stains! I double checked, and HIS family did not care for it. They said 'keep it.'"
"Oh..." Said the woman uncomfortably, "So... you switched the suit over to my husband?"
"No!" He exclaimed, feeling very clever, "I switched the heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9uns8/a_man_dies_of_a_heart_attack_at_62_years_old/
%
Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.

She asked how warm is it inside. I replied Lukewarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ul1y/was_watching_star_wars_with_my_daughter_she_asked/
%
Trump is Darth Vader's cousin!

Tax E. Vader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9uer9/trump_is_darth_vaders_cousin/
%
I've been thinking about suicide a lot

But then again, I've thought about having sex aswell a lot and I'm still not doing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9udz1/ive_been_thinking_about_suicide_a_lot/
%
Guy goes on a tour at a condom factory.

He is amazed at how the latex is poured into a mold and cooled. Thousands of condoms are being made every minute! But he starts to notice that every 20th condom gets punctured. He asks the guide about it. Guide replies:  “we also own a baby bottle company.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9uczr/guy_goes_on_a_tour_at_a_condom_factory/
%
I have a russian friend who's a sound engineer.

And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9u9og/i_have_a_russian_friend_whos_a_sound_engineer/
%
I'd never let my children watch the orchestra.

There's too much sax and violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9u8if/id_never_let_my_children_watch_the_orchestra/
%
When a human dies, which part of the body dies last?

The pupils, they dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9u7by/when_a_human_dies_which_part_of_the_body_dies_last/
%
A man comes home will a big block of Swiss cheese.

He tells his family he brought cheese so they could make nachos for dinner.
His oldest son, who is kind of a know-it-all, says, "Dad, you brought the wrong kind of cheese."
His dad replies, "Really, the guy I stole it from specifically said, 'That's nacho cheese!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9u46e/a_man_comes_home_will_a_big_block_of_swiss_cheese/
%
I've developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9u0tm/ive_developed_a_fetish_for_figuring_things_out/
%
Lucky Santa

Santa slides down a chimney to find a beautiful woman sitting in a chair in her pajamas. She smiles, "Hey Santa, I've always wanted to get fucked by you." Santa shakes his head, "Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa's gotta go. Gotta bring toys to the kiddies you know!" With that, he slides back up the chimney.
Santa slides down the next chimney to find yet another beautiful woman sitting in a chair in a flannel nightgown. She smiles, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Wanna fuck?" Once again Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa's gotta go. Gotta bring toys to the kiddies you know!" Again he leaves.
Santa slides down another chimney. This time he finds another beautiful woman wearing the sexiest lingerie. She's fingering herself furiously as Santa exits the chimney. Moaning, she cries out, "Oh Santa, fuck me hard!"
"Hey, Hey, Hey, Santa's gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9tzkc/lucky_santa/
%
I'm starting an alcohol delivery service

It's called Ubeer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ty1d/im_starting_an_alcohol_delivery_service/
%
What do you call a Mexican who's just lost his car

Carloss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9tu6m/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_whos_just_lost_his_car/
%
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?

632  hallmark Christmas movies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9tnir/what_has_15_actors_4_settings_2_writers_and_1/
%
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."

That was the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9tk7s/two_drunk_guys_were_about_to_get_into_a_fight_one/
%
One mans trash is another mans treasure

Turns out this isn’t how you tell your child they’re adopted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9tgfc/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
I couldn’t tell why the ball was getting bigger,

And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9t8kp/i_couldnt_tell_why_the_ball_was_getting_bigger/
%
In a grocery store

A man enters a grocery store to buy some vegetables. He is trying to be healthy so he asks an employee there: 'Hello, can you tell me if this carrot is geneticaly modified?'
An employee looks at him and says: 'Yes it is, why do you ask?'
'Yeah, why do you ask?' Asked the carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9t1ee/in_a_grocery_store/
%
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?

HAAAANNNNND EEYYYYYEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9svn8/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
%
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

3. One to hold the lightbulb and two to turn the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9suhk/how_many_blondes_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Buying Flowers

A man went to the local market to buy flowers for his wife. Another man was already standing  there looking at flowers and contemplating the prices and varieties.
The first man could tell the man already standing there was feeling uncomfortable standing in front of flowers.  So the first man attempts to make small talk. He turns and says “would you believe how much money they want us to spend on something that’s going to die anyway?”
To which the second man replied .” yeah, and we still have to buy them flowers!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9st2z/buying_flowers/
%
I always knock on the fridge before I open it

Just in case there's a salad dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9so7h/i_always_knock_on_the_fridge_before_i_open_it/
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A Lena and Sven Joke

Lena went to the doctor a few weeks ago with some problems that Sven had in bed. "Ya know, Sven hasn't been performing as well, I vas vondering what vi could do anything about it" The doctor said"I have this new experimental drug that increase performance, but I warn you it's experimental. Just slip it in his Mashed potatoes and you'll do fine. That night Lena slipped the pill into his mash potatoes. The next day she went back to the doctor and told him what Happened. "Vell I slipped it in his Mashed potatoes and almost instantly he got up ripped the table cloth off the table and we started doing it right there and then." The doctor said "I'm so sorry, let me get you some compensation, the drug was only experimental." Lena said, "oh no don't worry we weren't going back to that restaurant anyway!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9so7o/a_lena_and_sven_joke/
%
My grandfathers last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That's a lot of pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9snt2/my_grandfathers_last_wish_was_that_we_convert_his/
%
I visited my sick grandfather the other day to rub butter all over his back...

... after that he went down hill really quickly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9slqp/i_visited_my_sick_grandfather_the_other_day_to/
%
Why do Swedish ships have barcodes on them?

So that when they pull into port they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9scmh/why_do_swedish_ships_have_barcodes_on_them/
%
As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.
“Ho, Ho, Ho!  Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go!  Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”
“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.
“Ho, Ho, Ho!  Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go!  Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”
“Please Santa! I need you tonight,” she beckoned, dropping her nightie to the ground to show off her flawless body.
Santa stared at her, then thought for a moment. “Hey, Hey, Hey!  Gotta Stay, Gotta Stay, Gotta Stay!  Can’t go up the chimney with my dick this way!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9scd4/as_santa_was_putting_out_the_toys_the_beautiful/
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He Knows You

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:
Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man \[yelling\]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man \[yelling\]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grandkids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She talked a lot and was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9sc0m/he_knows_you/
%
I always feel kind of poetic looking for my car in parking garages.

Is it 2B or... not 2B?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9sad3/i_always_feel_kind_of_poetic_looking_for_my_car/
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Did you hear about how birds are becoming more racist?

They formed the Coo Clucks Clan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9rt6f/did_you_hear_about_how_birds_are_becoming_more/
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A bear and a rabbit stumble upon a fairy

"You both get three whishes granted", says the fairy. The bear does not need to think for long and says: "I want to be compelling to all female bears in this entire forest!"
"Ok," says the fairy, "and what is your wish, little rabbit?"
"I'd like a beautiful and strong helmet, which fits my head perfectly." *Poofff* both whishes come true.
"Cool!" Says the bear "now for my second whish i want that all female bears of the entire country are in love with me!"
"Simple enough; what about you, rabbit?"
"I'll have the fastest offroad scooter in the world, adjusted to fit my body." *Poofff* both whishes are granted.
"Alright guys you've both got one last whish, so think carefully!" Says the fairy. However, the bear has already decided and screams: "I want all female bears of the entire WORLD to be in love with me and only me!"
"No problem" says the fairy "and you, sweet little rabbit?"
The rabbit, still amazed about his oh so cool helmet and scooter, starts the engine, hops on, starts driving away and screams: "I want the bear to become gay!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9rmrg/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_stumble_upon_a_fairy/
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I just bought the most up to date train set there is

It even comes with a replacement bus service

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9riml/i_just_bought_the_most_up_to_date_train_set_there/
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What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Lukewarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9r84r/whats_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
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How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why does it have to be a group activity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9qrpk/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9qm68/how_do_you_get_to_the_weight_room_at_hogwarts/
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Last night my wife and I were talking dirty

I said “ooh baby, I wanna see your asshole.”
She handed me a mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9qj9y/last_night_my_wife_and_i_were_talking_dirty/
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The Person Who Was In Charge of Ringing the Bell in the Bell Tower Wanted To Go On Vacation

To do this, he had to find someone to ring the bell each day, or he couldn't go. After looking for several days, he hadn't found anyone willing to do it. Discouraged, he went home and got on his computer to cancel his flight/hotel. Right before he canceled them, he heard a knock at the door. He got up, went to the door, and when he opened it, his jaw dropped. In front of him, was a man who had no arms.
Surprised, he asked "Can I help you"?
"I'd like the bell tower job please"
"Um, not to be rude or anything, but because of your disability, how are you going to ring the bell"?
"No, I can do it, I swear. Tomorrow, come to the bell tower and I'll show you!"
"Okay, I guess"
Confused, the man went to sleep, wondering how on earth this armless man intended to ring the bell each hour. He woke up early in the morning, and went down to the bell tower. He climbed to the top, and the man was waiting for him.
"Well"?
The man ran as fast as he could toward the bell, and jumped up and hit the bell with his face. It rung as if it had been done by someone with actual arms.
"Wow, if that really doesn't hurt, you can have the job, thank you!"
The next day, the man went on vacation. He enjoyed a week at the beach, knowing his job was taken care of. After a week, he traveled home, arriving late at night. He crawled into his bed, but woke up the next morning to strong banging on the door. When he opened it, there was two police officers standing there.
"Can I help you officers"?
"A man was found dead on the ground near your bell tower. It looks like he fell from the top. We would like you to come and see if you can identify the body."
The man got into the police car and drove to the bell tower. He got out and walked over to the body.
"Do you know who this man is"
"Well", said the man, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9qeka/the_person_who_was_in_charge_of_ringing_the_bell/
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What do you call a poor man’s fart.

Destitoot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9qb3j/what_do_you_call_a_poor_mans_fart/
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Hey stepdad, can you tell me how an elevator is different from an escalator?

No stepson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9q65t/hey_stepdad_can_you_tell_me_how_an_elevator_is/
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Ten little Indians..

Ten little Indians jumping on a bed,
one fell off and didn't get hurt because here on the res our mattresses are on the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9q0md/ten_little_indians/
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Why did the robot get attested?

It was charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9q06c/why_did_the_robot_get_attested/
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To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9pw32/to_this_day_the_boy_that_used_to_bully_me_at/
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

IM LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ptq0/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_and_500/
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What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9przi/what_nationality_is_santa_claus/
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I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9pm51/i_knew_i_was_an_adult_when_my_sisterinlaw_asked/
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My company just conducted a one-day motivation training for all the junior employees. It was a roaring success.

All the junior employees are really motivated to find new jobs now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9pl1a/my_company_just_conducted_a_oneday_motivation/
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No Vaseline (NSFW)

The other night my wife gave me a handjob with Vaseline.
Although it was fantastic, I came twice more trying to wash it off in the shower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9pkw3/no_vaseline_nsfw/
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I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.

Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9pikl/i_have_a_very_important_job_in_my_company_i_make/
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ROBOT MAN

A dad makes a robot that slaps people when they lie.
"Son, why were you not at school yesterday?"
"I was at school"
The robot slaps the kid.
"FINE! I was watching a move with a friend."
The robot slaps the kid.
"FINE! It was an erotic movie."
"What the hell son? When I was your age, I didn't even now what erotic movies were!"
The robot slaps the dad.
The wife chimes in "Wow, after all he is your son!"
The robot slaps the wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9pf6a/robot_man/
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My wife just tried to cut off my penis.

Luckily she missed and the cops just charged her with a misdewiener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9pdnw/my_wife_just_tried_to_cut_off_my_penis/
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What Christmas Carol is banned in the psychiatric ward?

Do you hear what I hear?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9pb37/what_christmas_carol_is_banned_in_the_psychiatric/
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I recently timed my current stand up routine and it's about 10 minutes long.

Thanks arthritis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9pafs/i_recently_timed_my_current_stand_up_routine_and/
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Extra large condoms

A beautiful woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, “Do you have extra large condoms?” The pharmacist replies, “Yes, aisle 11.” The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, “Do you need some help?” The woman replies, “No, I’m just waiting for somebody to buy some.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9p9cl/extra_large_condoms/
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My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.

So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9p8x7/my_friend_said_he_knew_a_man_with_a_wooden_leg/
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3 Condoms - NSFW

Guy goes to the pharmacy to buy a condom. His girlfriend told him she would not have sex with him unless he first met her family and has dinner with them.
Pharmacist at counter: " just one condom? You sure?"
Guy: "actually, my girlfriend's sister is pretty hot...lets make it two condoms."
Pharmacist: "just two then? That's it?"
Guy: "let's make it three. The mom is really hot too."
That night he goes to dinner and her whole family is there. He sits at the table not saying a word, his face red as a tomato.
His girlfriend takes him in the bedroom after they eat.
Girlfriend: "what's wrong with you? You didn't say a word all night. Did something happen?"
Guy: "no, I just didn't know your dad worked at the pharmacy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9p6l4/3_condoms_nsfw/
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and the eye of the tiger

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9p4wm/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion_and_the/
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birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it,forget about the future,you can't predict it forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9p0zw/birthday_card_i_received_from_my_brotherforget/
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Seven inches

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants.” So I wrote back: “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ozih/seven_inches/
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I tried to make my friends laugh so I told them 10 puns

No pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9oz2v/i_tried_to_make_my_friends_laugh_so_i_told_them/
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What did Santa say when he visited the Kardashian sisters?

Ho, ho, ho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9oun4/what_did_santa_say_when_he_visited_the_kardashian/
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Joke by my 4 year old nephew, please try not to downvote. It made me laugh when he said it though.

Nephew: are you gluten intolerant?
Me(surprised he knew about gluten): yes I am, sweetheart
Nephew: how intolerant of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9oud3/joke_by_my_4_year_old_nephew_please_try_not_to/
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Me : *Washing car with son*

Son : "Dad.. Can't you just use a sponge...?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9otw3/me_washing_car_with_son/
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Why their are Angels on top of the Xmas Tree

Have you ever wondered how the tradition of putting an angel on the tree started? It may not be as magical as you might think,
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
(heard this joke awhile ago but it's still funny)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9oscm/why_their_are_angels_on_top_of_the_xmas_tree/
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Why did the Russian president's father berate his work?

He should have Putin more effort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9oriq/why_did_the_russian_presidents_father_berate_his/
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We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.
76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.
There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work
There are 74 million children younger than 6
Which leaves 129 million to do the work
There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.
Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation
Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work
Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.
Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.
Which leaves 12 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9or82/were_in_trouble/
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Two Irishmen are traveling to Australia.

Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9okif/two_irishmen_are_traveling_to_australia/
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My wife called me at work and asked "Do you ever feel a piercing pain across your body as if someone just stabbed a Voodoo doll of you?" Concerned i replied "No".

"How about now?" she asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9o8ny/my_wife_called_me_at_work_and_asked_do_you_ever/
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A drunk was walking with a whisky bottle in the pocket of his coat

It was late and the streets were slippery from the rain. Suddenly, he lost his footing and fell face first in the curb.
Feeling his body, he noticed his chest was wet. He closed his eyes and prayed:
“Dear Lord, please let it be blood”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9o83j/a_drunk_was_walking_with_a_whisky_bottle_in_the/
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Stop saying your life is a joke.

It's not.
Jokes have meaning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9o82a/stop_saying_your_life_is_a_joke/
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Why do anti-vaccine ideas spread?

They go viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9o4bt/why_do_antivaccine_ideas_spread/
%
Programmer joke.

!false
It's funny because it's true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9o411/programmer_joke/
%
A little old lady was driving ...

A little old lady was driving down a muddy one-lane road, no room to pass on either side. She gets stuck—an angry driver behind her starts to lean on the horn. She tries her best to get moving, backing up a little, going forward; she’s still stuck, and the guy behind her continues to lean on his horn.
The little old lady, gets out of her car and walks back to the angry driver. She says, “I appear to be stuck. I wonder if you could get behind the wheel of my car and try to get me out. I’ll stay here and lean on your horn…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9o0ey/a_little_old_lady_was_driving/
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Doc, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doc: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I have ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ntho/doc_all_five_of_my_boys_want_to_be_valets_when/
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In medieval times in Rome, the Pope, influenced by some conservative advisers, decided to expel all Jews from the city

The Pope, not wanting to seem as forcing his decision on the Jews, allowed a debate to be held so the Jews could defend their citizenship.
That night, the Jewish Rabbis gathered in the synagogue to decide who will debate against the Pope. However none of the Rabbis wanted to debate against him, so they started arguing. The synagogue janitor, who was attracted to the commotion, volunteered to oppose the Pope.
"You are just a janitor, how could you possibly win in a debate against the pope?" said the chief Rabbi. But since nobody else was brave enough to volunteer, the janitor was chosen.
On the day of the debate, the Pope walked onto the stage with his advisers, all dressed in white and wearing golden crosses. The janitor also walked onto the stage, surrounded by the oldest Rabbi with their long beards and black garments. The debate began.
The Pope immediately pointed at the janitor and then at the sky. Without hesitation, the janitor pointed at the ground beneath his feet. The Pope then pointed at the janitor with his finger, and the janitor responded by pointing three fingers at the Pope. Next, the pope took out an apple from his pocket and held it in the air. The janitor reached into a paper bag at his waist, and took out a flatbread. The Pope looked surprised, and announced that they would not expel the Jews.
Back at the cathedral, the Pope's advisers asked the Pope,"Father, the exchange during the debate was too difficult for us to follow, please explain what happened."
The Pope replied: "I first pointed at the heavens and the earth, indicating God's marvelous creations. But the Jew pointed at the ground, telling me that hell exist too. I then pointed at him with one finger, telling him that only one God exists. But the Jew countered that by pointing three fingers at me, acknowledging the holy trinity. I then abandoned theology for science, and held out an apple, showing how people think the earth is round even though the scriptures state the earth to be flat. The Jew held out a flatbread, acknowledging that the earth is flat as the scriptures teach. I could not find fault with his argument so I withdrew."
In the synagogue, the janitor also had to explain what happened during the debate.
"So he points at me as if to tell me to get out, but I want to stay right here, so I point at the ground. He then points one finger at me to curse me to death, so I point three fingers at him to curse him three times. Then he brings out his lunch, so I bring out mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9nq76/in_medieval_times_in_rome_the_pope_influenced_by/
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I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9no76/ive_made_a_website_for_depressed_tennis_players/
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Bob the sheepdog was getting the sheep in for Farmer Fred. He completed his task and went bounding over to the Farmer shouting “Farmer Fred, Farmer Fred…. I chased 40 sheep in to the yard for you”. “40 sheep?” queries Farmer Fred. “I’ve only got 37”

“I know” says Bob. “I rounded them up”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9nm04/bob_the_sheepdog_was_getting_the_sheep_in_for/
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Salvation Sex

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed:
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister." Said the young nun dreamily. "I’ve been Saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" Asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he?" Said the old nun curiously.
Sister Magdalene continued. "And Father John said that if The Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then, Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" Said the old nun even more curiously.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my Heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard." Said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9nkwn/salvation_sex/
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An Amish woman and her granddaughter are out in the field.

They are tending to the crops and they finally get to the potatos. The old Amish woman pulls out two of the biggest potatoes she had ever seen. She looked at her granddaughter and held them up and said, "These are just like your grandpas!"
The granddaughter was shocked and said,"They are that big?!? The old woman looks at her and says, "No,no... They are this dirty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9njhw/an_amish_woman_and_her_granddaughter_are_out_in/
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Old Man and Old Woman in a Nursing home

An old man and an old woman live in a nursing home. Their spouses have died and they're lonely. After meeting each other, they begin dating. Because they're so old, they can't engage in sex anymore, but they like to just lie in bed, while the old woman holds the old man's penis.
This goes on for month, and then one day the old man stops coming around. The old woman finds out the old man is seeing someone else. She's distraught, and decides to confront him.
She sees him around the nursing home grounds and says, "how dare you! We dated for months and you just stop talking to me and then I find out you're seeing another woman. Laying down with her in her bed! I had feelings for you! Tell me, what does she have that I don't have?"
He replies, "Parkinson's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ng13/old_man_and_old_woman_in_a_nursing_home/
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I asked my boss what he wanted me to do with six meters of bubble wrap. He said just pop it in the corner.

It took me four bloody hours!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9n85d/i_asked_my_boss_what_he_wanted_me_to_do_with_six/
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Billionaires and Christians have a lot in common.

For instance, just like Jesus, Jeffrey Epstein died for their sins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9n3gq/billionaires_and_christians_have_a_lot_in_common/
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Why shouldn't you trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9n2ds/why_shouldnt_you_trust_atoms/
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My best 'adult' toys are made in Ireland.

They're my 'O' tools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9mrp8/my_best_adult_toys_are_made_in_ireland/
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My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.

Shit....wrong thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9mr74/my_sewing_instructor_tells_me_that_i_am_the_worst/
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The word QUEUE is ironic.

It just the letter "Q" with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9mnxd/the_word_queue_is_ironic/
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There was a blond, brunnete, and a red head

They were walking down the street when a van pulled up.
The guy in the van said that he had a magical mirror.
If you tell it the truth then you get a wish.
If you lie, then you get sucked into the endless void.
The three decided to try it out and the red head went first.
The red head said: I think I'm the most talented one out of the three.
This was the truth, so she got a wish and wished for a brand new Lexus.
Next was the brunnete.
The brunnete said: I think I'm the most beautiful out of the three.
This was true so she got a wish.
She got a brand new house.
Last was the blonds turn.
The kind said: I think...
As soon as the two words came out she got sucked into the void

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9mkgs/there_was_a_blond_brunnete_and_a_red_head/
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What does a zombie get when it bites a ghost?

A mouthful of sheet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9m1nt/what_does_a_zombie_get_when_it_bites_a_ghost/
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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it's a sobering reminder of why...

...there's never any money in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9m1kh/i_always_carry_a_picture_of_my_wife_and_kids_in/
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Best part about dating homeless women?

You can drop them off anywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9m0uw/best_part_about_dating_homeless_women/
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On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9m03x/on_a_serious_note_if_anybody_knows_of_any_lonely/
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My girlfriend thinks I'm creepy.

Well, she's not my girlfriend yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ltt7/my_girlfriend_thinks_im_creepy/
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How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice. Hi my name's Andy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9lsqr/how_much_does_a_polar_bear_weigh/
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What did the Star Wars fan say to his parents after he learned that they were getting separated?

May divorce be with you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9lrov/what_did_the_star_wars_fan_say_to_his_parents/
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What's the opposite of progress?

Congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9lrms/whats_the_opposite_of_progress/
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What's a robot's favourite Mexican food?

Silicon Carne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ljbn/whats_a_robots_favourite_mexican_food/
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What do you get when you cross a dog and n airline?

You end up having to board a collie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9lfc8/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dog_and_n_airline/
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One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"

Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9lbzw/one_day_jesus_was_delivering_a_sermon_to_his/
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My wife said to me yesterday, “If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you’ll let my mother ride in the first car with you.”

I said, “ok, but it will totally ruin my day…..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9l8si/my_wife_said_to_me_yesterday_if_i_die_i_want_you/
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What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that would only go "tick-tick-tick"?

"Vee hav vays of making you tok".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9l2g5/what_did_the_german_clockmaker_say_to_the_clock/
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What do you call a bisexual trying to get over a bridge?

A bi-pass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9kx0f/what_do_you_call_a_bisexual_trying_to_get_over_a/
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My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off seven times on the way home.
Edit => Wow , thanks for all the upvotes. However, I feel bad, as it is not my own joke
Edit => Thanks for suggestions for making the punch line shorter. The line I removed was “Imagine what would have happened to the bottle!“. Again not my joke, but I also don’t know the author.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9kqr8/my_wisdom_will_kill_me_one_day/
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A guy tries to rob a bank

A guy walks into a sperm bank with a mask and a gun and shouts "Everyone on the floor, now! Anyone who moves gets shot full of lead!"
He walks to the terrified receptionist and tells her to fill a bag with all the money they got.
"Buy sir," she says, "this is a sperm bank. We don't keep cash here."
"Don't lie to me! It says Bank on the front. Now fill that bag or I'm gonna kill ya!"
The receptionist opens the safe behind her to show shelves upon shelves with containers filled with sperm.
"You're somehow trying to fool me. I know it!" shouted the robber, "If it's really sperm I want to see you drink it".
The receptionist, sacred for her life, opens a container and swallows it in a couple of gulps.
"I still don't buy it! Do another one". This goes on until the receptionist had swallowed 10 containers filled with sperm.
The robber than removes his mask, and to her surprise she sees that it's was her husband all along!
"You see honey? I told you you could do it if you only tried."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9kptu/a_guy_tries_to_rob_a_bank/
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The real reason why women don't like men under 6 feet

is because it's hard to have a conversation with dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9kiq6/the_real_reason_why_women_dont_like_men_under_6/
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What religion are bears?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9khek/what_religion_are_bears/
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I told my wife to pull on my peepee one time if she wants to have sex

...and to pull on it 250 times if she doesn’t want to have sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9kf1o/i_told_my_wife_to_pull_on_my_peepee_one_time_if/
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What's the difference between the devil and someone who laughs but doesn't upvote?

One unleashed pain and misery, the other one isn't real

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9kcn4/whats_the_difference_between_the_devil_and/
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Safe Driving

Officer: Why did you deliberately run into that crowd of people?!
Man: Well, my brakes failed. There was a crowd on one side of the road, and a single man on the other.
Officer: SO WHY DID YOU HIT THE CROWD!?!
Man: Naturally, I swerved left to avoid the crowd, and hit that single man! But then ... that SELFISH bastard ran across the road towards the crowd!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9k9uk/safe_driving/
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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming... that was me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9k2b4/a_teenage_boy_was_delivering_papers_to_an/
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My buddy Mike wants to change his name by just one letter.

I keep telling him: "Nike, Just do it."
He doesn't get it.
Swoosh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9jnlx/my_buddy_mike_wants_to_change_his_name_by_just/
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It's getting chilly!

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold  blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing  cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will
warm them up."
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother
again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9jgk0/its_getting_chilly/
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How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9j540/how_do_mathematicians_get_rid_of_constipation/
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One time I got attacked by a wildebeest, but another wildebeest came to my aid and rescued me.

There's good gnus and bad gnus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9j44y/one_time_i_got_attacked_by_a_wildebeest_but/
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What do you call

A phone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9j02b/what_do_you_call/
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The young couple next to me recently made a sex tape.

Obviously they don't know that yet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9iykm/the_young_couple_next_to_me_recently_made_a_sex/
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What do you call all the little rivers that flow into the Nile?

Juveniles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ifab/what_do_you_call_all_the_little_rivers_that_flow/
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Where does water keep it's money?

The riverbank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9iem2/where_does_water_keep_its_money/
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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams.
Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9i1qq/little_johnny_wakes_up_one_night_hearing_noises/
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What do you call a Jamaican lizard that always wants to know what’s going on?

A Whataguana
(I made this up when I was quite drunk and I thought it was hilarious)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9i0p4/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_lizard_that_always/
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I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9hwc8/i_think_fights_between_career_boxers_and_famous/
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A man escapes from prison

where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9htri/a_man_escapes_from_prison/
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Why did the judge stop the merger of Duracell and Morton's?

He couldn't allow a salt and battery in his court!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9hqcy/why_did_the_judge_stop_the_merger_of_duracell_and/
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What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law
A great lawyer knows the judge..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9hpaf/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_lawyer_and_a/
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My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.

He’ll be born in February.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9hlt3/my_son_is_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
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What is the psychiatric ward's favorite Christmas song?

"Do you hear what I hear?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9hgzx/what_is_the_psychiatric_wards_favorite_christmas/
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What is the last meal request of a women as a death row inmate?

She is not decided yet.
Please give her some more time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9hf7c/what_is_the_last_meal_request_of_a_women_as_a/
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What is the major problem with communism?

I see a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9h6dd/what_is_the_major_problem_with_communism/
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What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9h2f9/whats_the_most_disappointing_thing_for_a_man_on/
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there."...

...as he pointed out the location, the DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9h0xu/a_dea_officer_stopped_at_a_ranch_in_texas_and/
%
An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village.

A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says:
“Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.”
The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. The goats are mostly white but there’s one brown goat. The doctor tells the village leader:
“Look over at those goats! See, sometimes this happens naturally. All those goats are white except for that one brown one.”
The village leader looks to the doctor and says:
“Ahh I see your point, doctor. Tell you what, I won’t say anything about that white baby if you don’t say anything about that brown goat”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9gybr/an_american_doctor_is_doing_aid_work_in_an_afghan/
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A man applies for a job interview.

Interviewer: So, tell me, what was your previous job?
Man: I was an Alien Hunter.
Interviewer: but Aliens don’t exist!
Man: you’re goddamn welcome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9gmbl/a_man_applies_for_a_job_interview/
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Doctor: The results are in, your DNA is backwards!

Me: AND?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9gdb2/doctor_the_results_are_in_your_dna_is_backwards/
%
What do you call a orgasmic piss?

A peanut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9g9nr/what_do_you_call_a_orgasmic_piss/
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My boss sent me an email in big, dark letters demanding that I personally deliver my report to him ASAP…

I’ve got to hand it to him, that was pretty bold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9g6be/my_boss_sent_me_an_email_in_big_dark_letters/
%
A kid and his homework

KID: Dad, What are gays?
DAD: Well, you see your mom and I love each other very much. The same can be applied to two men.
KID: Ohh. So what is penetrating gays
DAD: Read me the entire sentence.
KID: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
DAD:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9g4rp/a_kid_and_his_homework/
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A mime in my town was arrested after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.

He still has the right to remain silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9g3zx/a_mime_in_my_town_was_arrested_after_he_broke_his/
%
Growing up, my teacher wouldn't let me bring my MP3 to school

So I brought my MP5 instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9fy6n/growing_up_my_teacher_wouldnt_let_me_bring_my_mp3/
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How many millenials does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They hold the lightbulb as the world revolves around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9fru3/how_many_millenials_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I keep asking what LGBTQ is...

But I can't get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9fh0s/i_keep_asking_what_lgbtq_is/
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What's the name of the reindeer that's directly behind Rudolf? You know the one, he's just as fast as Rudolf but can't stop as fast.

Larry the Brown Nosed Reindeer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9f6sm/whats_the_name_of_the_reindeer_thats_directly/
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Mother: 'Sweetie, make a Christmas wish.'

Daughter: 'I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in Daddy's computer.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9f4qm/mother_sweetie_make_a_christmas_wish/
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You should never skimp on a circumcision.

A cheap circumcision is just a rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9f3s7/you_should_never_skimp_on_a_circumcision/
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Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery

It was a joint operation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9f082/two_different_doctors_worked_together_on_my_knee/
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Why doesn’t the computer have any brothers?

Because it only has transisters!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9epex/why_doesnt_the_computer_have_any_brothers/
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9eawf/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
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Are you a vet?

A German tourist jumped in a freezing cold lake to save my precious little dog from drowning.
After he had climbed out he handed me the dog and said:
"He is ze dog. Keep him varm and dry him off. He vill be fine"
I asked:
"Are you a vet?"
He replied:
"Vet?... I'm not vet. I'm fucking soaked to my underwear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9e81m/are_you_a_vet/
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A guy was wondering what it's like being a suicide bomber.

I said "C4 yourself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9dzed/a_guy_was_wondering_what_its_like_being_a_suicide/
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How does Darth Vader eat?

He force feeds himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9dwtc/how_does_darth_vader_eat/
%
Why are emo kids bad at high-fives?

People always leave them hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9du8o/why_are_emo_kids_bad_at_highfives/
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Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9dtv3/twenty_years_from_now_kids_are_gonna_think_baby/
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I lost my mood ring.

I just don't know how to feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9dqxh/i_lost_my_mood_ring/
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So I realized that I'm trans a few months ago

And you know what? In a lot of ways it's made life easier. Estrogen definitely causes mood swings but I feel like I've been having fewer and fewer bad days.
Yep, it sure does feel easier to keep my head over the water now that I'm boyn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9do5a/so_i_realized_that_im_trans_a_few_months_ago/
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How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Idk, depends how hard you throw them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9dnr1/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_wall/
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A music teacher is teaching a class when his principal walks in

He sees a kid playing with scissors and tells the teacher.
“Hey, that kid is playing with scissors”, the principal says.
“I know. I’ve already told him that it’s dangerous but he cries every time I take it away. He insists it’s a pet”, says the music teacher.
“Let me try”, says the principal.
He walks over to the kid and the teacher follows.
“What do you have there?”, says the principal.
“He’s my pet. I named him Bee”, says the kid.
“Well, you gotta watch out cause Bee’s sharp”, says the principal.
“C”, the music teacher says to the kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9dmje/a_music_teacher_is_teaching_a_class_when_his/
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Man visits his psychiatrist with Saran Wrap around his legs instead of pants

Doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ddsx/man_visits_his_psychiatrist_with_saran_wrap/
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Dad buys a lie detector robot (not my joke)

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "i did some school work." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?" Son says "toy story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad says "what? At your age i didnt even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9czne/dad_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_not_my_joke/
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Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder...

But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9crwj/guys_i_just_broke_up_an_attempted_murder/
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Small dick jokes are always funnier than big dick jokes.

because they’re more relatable :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9cq9c/small_dick_jokes_are_always_funnier_than_big_dick/
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What's it called when you cum in someone's coffee?

An ejaculatte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9clo2/whats_it_called_when_you_cum_in_someones_coffee/
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Hey doc, have you ever lost a patient?

Doctor: "Nope, I remember where they are all buried"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ciwu/hey_doc_have_you_ever_lost_a_patient/
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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.
Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...
The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".
The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be television so that even when she was dead, her face was still on TV.
The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse hard.
As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first.
As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead.
He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists.
The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon.
"Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK. I don't want you fucking pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ci08/a_labour_politician_a_bbc_tv_reporter_and_a/
%
Doctor said that if I don’t stop drinking, I’ll go into shock and die of a seizure

Oooh I’m shaking...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ch43/doctor_said_that_if_i_dont_stop_drinking_ill_go/
%
What can you say during sex or literature lesson?

Oh shit thats deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9cfva/what_can_you_say_during_sex_or_literature_lesson/
%
This is a Ferengi joke.

You owe me 5 bars of gold-pressed latinum for reading it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9c4xj/this_is_a_ferengi_joke/
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Her: I have kink-shaming fetish

Me:  That's messed up
Her:  (moans softly)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9c0kr/her_i_have_kinkshaming_fetish/
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A redhead, brunette and blonde woman are walking aimlessly through an endless desert

The redhead said to the others, "I'm glad we all were smart and brought one item that will help us stay safe if we get lost in the desert. I brought a big canteen of water as mine. If I get thirsty, I'll have that to drink."
The brunette then chimes in and says, "great idea! For my one item, I brought a protein bar. I should be able to make it last this whole time, providing me energy."
The brunette, now with a puzzled look on her face, looks to the blonde, who's carrying a car door. She says, "I brought a protein bar, she has water...why would you bring a car door?!"
The blonde woman replies to her friend say, "In case I get hot, I'll just roll down the window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9bw2x/a_redhead_brunette_and_blonde_woman_are_walking/
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Where do hamsters go on holiday?

Hamsterdam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9blao/where_do_hamsters_go_on_holiday/
%
What kind of car do nuns drive?

A Christler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9bf3t/what_kind_of_car_do_nuns_drive/
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Why are they called Hemorrhoids?

Because Asteroids was already taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9bcfx/why_are_they_called_hemorrhoids/
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How do reindeer fly?

They use their Missile-toes.
(courtesy of my ten year old this morning lol)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9bbhn/how_do_reindeer_fly/
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I hate being cooked alive.

It makes my blood boil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9b6tr/i_hate_being_cooked_alive/
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PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34

**ME:** I can’t afford that
**PIZZA GUY:** Well you’ll have to pay some other way.
**ME: [takes out wallet]** Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars.
**PORN DIRECTOR:** Cut! The fuck are you doing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9b59d/pizza_guy_your_total_is_2634/
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Whoever stole my Thesaurus

I have no words to describe how angry I am!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9b4bn/whoever_stole_my_thesaurus/
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Andrew and John are getting into a fight in a bar...

Andrew "Man, you're such a pussy."
John "..."
Andrew "Did you know your mom is pretty easy?"
John "..."
Andrew "In fact, I think I'll go and do her right now."
John "Shut up dad, you're drunk.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9aya5/andrew_and_john_are_getting_into_a_fight_in_a_bar/
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Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane...

During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute.
The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute.
The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute.
The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9aub5/paratroopers_from_england_scotland_france_and_the/
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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action

He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my asshole sure hurts like hell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9atqm/after_fighting_some_crime_superman_wanted_to/
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My friend moved to a new house recently, so I bought him a housewarming gift.

It was a radiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9aqhx/my_friend_moved_to_a_new_house_recently_so_i/
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They’re all kinds of weird fetishs out there. Some people even get off on graphing.

Thats where I draw the line.
I’ll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9ajaa/theyre_all_kinds_of_weird_fetishs_out_there_some/
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How many FEMINISTS does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

Just one, she holds the light bulb in place and just stands there while  the world revolves around her__________________________________________

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9acac/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Nine months before I was born...

... I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9a52e/nine_months_before_i_was_born/
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Fox is trying to relax on his day off, so he decides to roll a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.
"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"
The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking habit now that the rabbit made such a fuss, decides "What the hell. Maybe you're right. Okay fuck this stuff, let's go for a run!" And rips the paper and throws the weed away, and they both take off on their run.
A bit farther down the path, they run into a deer. When they get closer, they notice the deer is in the process of rolling up a joint. Instantly the rabbit stops in front of the deer.
"Hey deer! What you doing bro? Getting high? You're wasting your life away! Come with us. Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"
The deer, nervous from being called out by his peers, and not wanting to be the only loser using drugs, decides "You guys are right. What's the point? This is a habit I need to kick!" And rips the paper and throws the weed away, and the three take off on their run.
A bit farther down the path, they run into a squirrel, in his tiny little hands is a tiny little paper and a tiny amount of weed, in the process of being rolled into a tiny little joint. The rabbit, being at the front of the group, stops right in front of the squirrel.
"Hey squirrel! What you doing bro? Drugs again? Aren't you bored of the same old shit? Come with us, bro. Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"
The squirrel, being a friend of the deer and the fox, and painfully aware that he usually gets invitations from them to smoke and he never returns the favor, curses his own selfishness and decides "You guys are right. This isn't who I want to be. Enough of this!" And rips the tiny paper and throws the bit of weed away, and the four take off on their run.
A bit further down the path, as they get closer to a clearing, they start to smell the stench of Marijuana. When they arrive at the clearing they see a monkey with a bong in his hand letting out a massive cloud of smoke, and when he notices the rabbit, he immediately starts giggling.
"Oh, rabbit!" He says, when the giggles subside. "You always do this! Every time I get you high, you take off running!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e99z00/fox_is_trying_to_relax_on_his_day_off_so_he/
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It's Christmas Eve and Santa is very angry...

...his reindeer cannot fly because they ended up drinking mulled wine and are now very drunk. His elves are refusing to produce any more presents because they are angry about their pay and an angel Santa sent off to get a Christmas tree hasn't returned yet. "How the hell am I going to get Christmas done with drunk reindeer, elves on strike and that damn angel not being here with a tree?!" he yelled. Then the angel turns up. She asks: "Hey Grumpy where do you want me to stick this?" And so the tradition of angels being on top of Christmas trees came to pass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e99uzo/its_christmas_eve_and_santa_is_very_angry/
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My therapist tells me that I have difficulty identifying my emotions.

Not quite sure how to feel about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e99lp3/my_therapist_tells_me_that_i_have_difficulty/
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My wife and I share a sense of humour

We have to. She doesn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e99ihx/my_wife_and_i_share_a_sense_of_humour/
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A black guy walks into an elevator.

A skinny white guy enters a elevator. He presses floor No.4, and waits for him to arrive. The elevator stops at floor No.2, and a huge, muscular black guy comes in and stands in front of him. The white guy stares him down. The black guy, already knowing what he would ask, says "6'9, 250lbs, 20 inch dick, testicle 3 pounds each, Turner Brown.
The white guy faints, and the black guy kneels next to him. Once the guy comes too, he asks "What the hell did you just say to me?"
The black guy says "I was just answering commonly asked questions about me, im 6'9, 250lbs 20 inch dick and 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white guy says "Oh thank god. I thought you said Turn Around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e99hr0/a_black_guy_walks_into_an_elevator/
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If you blue birds have blue babies and black birds have black babies, what kind of birds have no babies?

Swallows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e99hfw/if_you_blue_birds_have_blue_babies_and_black/
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Why are you here??

An old man in the confessional goes like this:
"Well, Father, it happened so that I was driving in the country late at night when my banger gave up and broke down. It was dark, there was nobody around, I can't get my head around smartphones so I walked as far as the nearest settlement, went to a house, knocked, the door opened and there were the three most beautiful women I've seen in my entire life. So I spent the night with them... all night and all the way late into the morning. Picture this, father, me, a 67-year-old one!"
"Well, son, I must say your sins are great. Say your prayers, go home and repent."
"No, I won't."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I won't repent because I don't regret a thing."
"But... but... that's not how it works. You have to repent. You have sinned against our Lord. What sort of Catholic are you?"
"I'm no Catholic. Not even Christian."
"...then why are you here, why are you telling me this?"
"Well... I tell it to everyone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e99dpw/why_are_you_here/
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Cucumbers are very good for memory

15 years ago my uncle shoved one up my ass and I still remember it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e99db8/cucumbers_are_very_good_for_memory/
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I always get really hung up on the topic of abortion...

Like, on the one hand I love the idea of killing babies, but on the other hand I hate women having rights!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e98zah/i_always_get_really_hung_up_on_the_topic_of/
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I was trying to figure out why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger

Then it hit me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e98vcr/i_was_trying_to_figure_out_why_the_ball_kept/
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My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card

\-He's a man after my own heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e98uai/my_dad_has_suggested_that_i_register_for_a_donor/
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How do you get a fat chick into bed?

Piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e98px9/how_do_you_get_a_fat_chick_into_bed/
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Christers

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e98ljz/christers/
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Why did the software engineer get into a car accident?

He wasn't able to C: Drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e98lav/why_did_the_software_engineer_get_into_a_car/
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Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate sat there, in the middle of the road, pondering the urgency created by using three exclamation points on the sign, there came a car speeding down the road.
At the wheel of the car was a blue-haired little old lady, and next to her, in the passenger seat, sat her equally blue-haired old lady friend.
The driver was speeding, and could barely see over the steering wheel.
So, there Nate sat, pondering the sign.
And onward drove the old ladies, speeding down the road toward Nate and this world-ending lever in the middle of the road.
Much too late, the old lady who was driving (again, at reckless speeds), saw the snake, and saw the lever with the sign on it.
She had only a split second to make her choice: Would she hit the snake, or would she end the world?
At the last second, she swerved, and hit the snake, killing him.
She turned to her old lady friend, whose mouth was agape at what had just happened.
The driver just shrugged.
“Well, better Nate than Lever.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e98ky1/once_there_was_a_snake_named_nathan/
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A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out "Do you still need a push"? In the distance he hears a reply "Yes Please". "Where are you" to which he hears "Over here on the swing set"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e98kkf/a_couple_are_asleep_when_their_doorbell_rings_at/
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Bubba died

in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!!
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.
Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”
“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.
Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e98ifh/bubba_died/
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What are your views on school?

Well, it is an FPS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e98i1i/what_are_your_views_on_school/
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A cat died and went to Heaven

. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”
The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”
God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.
A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.”
God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”
The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e98ath/a_cat_died_and_went_to_heaven/
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What do you call a zombified piece of toast?

The un-bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e98aj8/what_do_you_call_a_zombified_piece_of_toast/
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Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e98a64/why_did_the_nonbinary_prospector_move_to/
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[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal

They just want to dye.
(My first oc please don’t hurt me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e97t7r/oc_why_are_hairdressers_suicidal/
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A bee is driving along the highway and sees a grasshopper looking for a lift

He pulls over to pick him up. After a 100km the car sputters and comes to stop. The bee looks at the fuel gauge, groans, and gets out and proceeds to pee into the fuel tank, gets back in the car and away they go.
The grasshopper is of course amazed after this happens 2 more times. Then in the middle of nowhere the car runs out of fuel for a 4th time. The bee starts freaking out and says 'I can't go again, I just can't. I'm tapped.'
The grasshopper tries to settle the bee by saying that he really needs to pee and he will gladly pee into the tank.
The bee stops for a second and starts laughing hysterically. 'If only it were that simple dear grasshopper. You see this specific model of car, only runs on BP!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e97dit/a_bee_is_driving_along_the_highway_and_sees_a/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef strokin' off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9788l/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
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What do you get when you play country music backwards?

You get your house back, you get your wife back, you get your dog back, and you get out of jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e973yy/what_do_you_get_when_you_play_country_music/
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You've really got to hand it to short people....

Because they can't reach for it anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e971nd/youve_really_got_to_hand_it_to_short_people/
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What’s the difference between a spider and a web designer?

The spider likes bugs on their web

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e971jr/whats_the_difference_between_a_spider_and_a_web/
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So I had to break it off with my therapist. I told him I'm having suicidal thoughts...

He told me I'm gonna have to start paying in advance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e970rw/so_i_had_to_break_it_off_with_my_therapist_i_told/
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Intelligent animals

Dolphins are highly intelligent animals. American scientists proved that after only a brief time in captivity, they are able to train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and toss them bits of fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e96wru/intelligent_animals/
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What do you call a person who just fell head first off of a 10 story building?

A crackhead
-I think this is original content.  If not, please correct me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e96w63/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_just_fell_head/
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My classmate didn't study for our test in mathematics about probability.

"I'll take my chances", he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e96vjl/my_classmate_didnt_study_for_our_test_in/
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TV ad for Benson's Nails

Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Benson. He opens his laptop and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Benson's Nails, they'll hold anything."
Benson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Benson with another ad. He turns his laptop around and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Benson's Nails, they'll hold anything'.
Benson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want *anything* with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Benson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them stops, turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Benson's Nails!'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e96tgy/tv_ad_for_bensons_nails/
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Feel old yet?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.". Well . . . you'll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Amy
"My name is Amy. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Xavier's high school.
"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1987. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then,
that
ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
gray-haired,
decrepit,
idiot,
asked,
"What subject did you teach" ?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e96s0k/feel_old_yet/
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Stone masons really take their work for granite

But their work is truly marblelous.
-credit goes to a post on r/memes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e96htk/stone_masons_really_take_their_work_for_granite/
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I never shower before I go to church.

I like to sit in my own pew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e96hej/i_never_shower_before_i_go_to_church/
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If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas

would it stay in Vegas?
(I couldn’t post this in r/showerthoughts because it is a question)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e96cy3/if_a_zombie_apocalypse_were_to_happen_in_vegas/
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One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“
>!"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e95zc5/one_night_a_viking_named_rudolf_the_red_was/
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A dyslexic kid once told me,

"I put the 'sexy' in dyslexia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e95m9v/a_dyslexic_kid_once_told_me/
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A man wanted to fuck his neighbor

He went to the roof, pulled down his pants and directed his ass to the sun..
His neighbor saw him and asked him, "what are you doing?"
He answered, " i am getting sun rays into my body, so that it cleans me from the inside, and makes me smarter. "
The following day the neighbor went to the roof and did the same.
He called on her, " what are you doing?" He asked.
"The same as you did, yesterday" she answered.
"It won't work because you have 2 holes, i will have to come and fill one of them." He said as he was climbing to the roof, and put his Dick into her vagina.
After a while the woman started to realize what he was doing " I feel like you're taking me for a fool to fuck me" said the woman in doubts.
"You see, you're already getting smarter" answered the man.
"you're right, I am" said the woman, " It actually works."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e95fvm/a_man_wanted_to_fuck_his_neighbor/
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Want to know why this website is called reddit?

because, every time you read a post, you have already read it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e95eu5/want_to_know_why_this_website_is_called_reddit/
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My fart felt like an earthquake...

Must have been an 8.0 on the rectum scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e959mm/my_fart_felt_like_an_earthquake/
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I was making a game only about russia

But people told me to add more polish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9587d/i_was_making_a_game_only_about_russia/
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Did you hear about the black man whose hair style put ladies in the mood for love?

He has an afro-disiac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9546e/did_you_hear_about_the_black_man_whose_hair_style/
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The Ferret...

Man walks into a bar with a small wooden box, places it on the bar and orders a drink.
The barman asks “what’s in the box?”
“A ferret” the man replies
“Sorry sir but you need to leave, he could get out and bite one of my customers!”
“No, no he’ll be fine, he’s very well trained and he has no teeth, plus he’ll give you the best blowjob you’ve ever had!”
“I beg your pardon?!” exclaimed the stunned barman.
“Here try it, to prove he’s safe take him out the back!” said the man……
15 minutes later the barman appears, sweating with a dazed expression.
“How much?” he stammers
“For what?” asked the man
“For the ferret, I gotta have him!”
“He’s not for sale I’m afraid”
“£500!!!”
“Sorry, like I said he’s not for sale”
“£2000!!!”…...
That night the barman is sitting at home on the sofa with the ferret in a box at his side when his wife walks in.
“What’s in the box love?” she asks
“It’s a ferret” replies the barman holding the box toward her “teach it to cook then fuck off!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e953kp/the_ferret/
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TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e951qv/til_i_learned_to_never_buy_shoes_from_a_drug/
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If I got ALL the money back that I spent on drugs and alcohol...

I'd buy drugs and alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9503d/if_i_got_all_the_money_back_that_i_spent_on_drugs/
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Why did the skeleton get in a bar fight?

Because he couldn’t hold his liquor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e94upl/why_did_the_skeleton_get_in_a_bar_fight/
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My teacher told me I’d never be any good at poetry due to my dyslexia.

Well, three well made vases and a jug have proved her wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e94p92/my_teacher_told_me_id_never_be_any_good_at_poetry/
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I own a chewed pencil that Shakespeare once used to write his famous works.

He chewed on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e94nse/i_own_a_chewed_pencil_that_shakespeare_once_used/
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e94nlg/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.

A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e94nc1/my_grandpa_always_used_to_say_as_one_door_closes/
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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.
Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and it diagnoses you right on the spot!"
Kevin is highly skeptical of this new miracle machine, but decides what the hell, goes home and pees in a cup, and then heads to the drug store the next morning to find the machine. He puts in his urine sample and $10. The machine hums, beeps, and whirs, and out pops a slip of paper.
"You have tennis elbow."
Well that's bullshit, thinks Kevin, I don't even play tennis! So he decides to test the machine.
He heads home and has his wife pee in a cup. He collects some of his daughter's saliva, some of his dog's shit, and to top it off, he jacks off into the cup. He heads back down to the drug store with this mix and another $10, and inserts it into the machine.
The machine hums, beeps, and whirs, and out pops another slip of paper.
"Your wife is pregnant and it's not yours, get a divorce lawyer.
Your daughter is on drugs, get her to rehab.
Your dog has worms, take him to the vet.
And if you don't stop jacking off, your tennis elbow will never go away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e94mz7/so_theres_a_new_machine_down_at_the_drug_store/
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NASA should hire birds for time travel researches.

They have been studying wormholes for thousands if not millions of years before human do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e94moz/nasa_should_hire_birds_for_time_travel_researches/
%
The worst part about having sex in an Escape Room

is when they come in and have to give you hints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e94m67/the_worst_part_about_having_sex_in_an_escape_room/
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My town’s population never changes.

Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e94d1r/my_towns_population_never_changes/
%
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
A few minutes later the woman ,(unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.
The man was too scared so the woman said, " He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit".
So she did - He didn't - They did it.
A couple of hours later, she repeats the process - he is still passed out - they repeat the pairing. Then Just before dawn the wife wants one more ride. So she reaches over and plucks a third ass hair!
Whereupon the husband looks at the lover and says ,
"I don't mind you screwing my wife but do you have to keep score on my ass"??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e94cda/a_wife_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
%
Why don't priests go to bars?

Cause there aren't any kids there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e946rh/why_dont_priests_go_to_bars/
%
Girls, beware of fats guys

They just want to get into your pantries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e941rl/girls_beware_of_fats_guys/
%
I suffer from separation anxiety.

My wife's left me and I'm terrified she'll come back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e941mc/i_suffer_from_separation_anxiety/
%
Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*
1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat. Xx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e940nk/once_again_this_year_ive_had_requests_for_my/
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What's the catchphrase of the Typing Revolution?

Viva la fonts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e93m73/whats_the_catchphrase_of_the_typing_revolution/
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Addiction

I’ve got a friend that’s addicted to Drinking Brake Fluid.
I’m worried about him, but he assured me he can stop anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e93l4n/addiction/
%
Why was the diamond so good at sex?

Coz diamonds last forever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e93ga9/why_was_the_diamond_so_good_at_sex/
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A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.

The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip.
The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanium alloy steel. But the shield held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell apart. The third strike killed the poor American.
Then came the Indian. "I don't need anything to protect myself.", said the Indian. "I practiced yoga for decades, both my mind and my body are ready to withstand any punishment that you whip will give." And so he did. Demon's whip didn't leave even a scar on yogi's body . "Okay, you passed my test", the demon said,"You can go". "I will stick around for while, I'm curious about what the Brit will do."
The demon asked the Brit:
"Now it's your turn. What will you use to protect yourself?".
"Why, the Indian, of course!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e93fnz/a_demon_caught_three_men_an_american_an_indian/
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Everything is an acronym.

Whenever I meet someone with a short name, I ask if it’s an acronym. Ed was not amused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e93fmb/everything_is_an_acronym/
%
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9317r/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_when_she_told_me/
%
A 15 year old boy was at the center of the cook County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and conference with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New York Knicks, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e930cl/a_15_year_old_boy_was_at_the_center_of_the_cook/
%
What do you call a person who studies about the mechanics and interactions of poo?

A fecesist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e92no6/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_studies_about_the/
%
So, Hillary Clinton does a presentation at a high school to inform youngsters about politics and encourage them to be more politically active and engage in the civil process more.

After she’s done, she invites people to form a line behind a microphone to ask questions to her. One little fifth grader, called Kennith, steps up to the plate.
“What’s your name?” asks Hillary.
“Kennith,” replies the boy.
Hillary asks, “What’s your question, Kennith?”
Kennith says, “I have three. First, what happened with Benghazi? Second, how can you be the president if you can’t even manage two email accounts? Third, where did all those emails go anyway?”
Just then, the bell rings for lunch and recess, and Hillary announces that they’ll resume when everyone gets back. When they do, a fellow fifth grader Johnny comes up to the microphone.
“What’s your name?” asks Hillary.
“Johnny,” replies the boy.
Hillary asks,“What’s your question, Johnny?”
Johnny says, “I have five questions. First, what happened with Benghazi? Second, how can you be the president if you can’t even handle two email accounts? Third, where did all those emails go anyway? Fourth, why did the bell ring for lunch twenty minutes early? Fifth, where’s Kennith?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e92a3z/so_hillary_clinton_does_a_presentation_at_a_high/
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A roman soldier comes back home from work

Wife: so how'd the crucifixion think go
Soldier: nailed it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e928wi/a_roman_soldier_comes_back_home_from_work/
%
What do you call a disabled gang member?

A crip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e922fr/what_do_you_call_a_disabled_gang_member/
%
REPORTER: "Mr. Trump, how are you feeling today after hearing the charges have been made official?"

DONALD: "I'm peachy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9226t/reporter_mr_trump_how_are_you_feeling_today_after/
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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus.  After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into  the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.
"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.
"That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied.
"No, that other thing," Johnny insisted.
"Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered.
"No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said.  Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got  embarassed.
"Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants."
Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom.  Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big  thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?"
"That's his trunk, son," Dad said.
"No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated.
"Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny."
"Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing."
"Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e921an/what_else_could_he_say/
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There are 10 types of people

1. Who understand binary.
2. Who don't understand binary.
3. Who couldn't guess that the joke wasn't in base 2.
4. Who now thinks that the joke is in base 3.
5. Who now realized that this joke can go on forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e91xp0/there_are_10_types_of_people/
%
What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e91wvo/what_do_you_call_a_fly_with_no_wings/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

...and a table... and a chair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e91t5k/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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You know what the first rule of passive-aggressive club is, don’t you?

You know what? Never mind.
It’s fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e91r4n/you_know_what_the_first_rule_of_passiveaggressive/
%
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e91qpb/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
%
Why don't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e91qmr/why_dont_orphans_play_baseball/
%
What do you call a doctor that finishes bottom of their class?

Doctor.
For major decisions always get a second opinion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e91myy/what_do_you_call_a_doctor_that_finishes_bottom_of/
%
My son brought home a drawing he made. But I know it wasn’t him that drew it

Because the drawing looked sketchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9103t/my_son_brought_home_a_drawing_he_made_but_i_know/
%
My local cemetery is working to resell mine and my wife’s burial plots to a new buyer...

We’re in grave danger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e90rf7/my_local_cemetery_is_working_to_resell_mine_and/
%
How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

None, but they’ll tell you who will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e90n0q/how_many_psychics_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
First Christmas Joke:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
***And So The Christmas Season Begins...***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e90mtc/first_christmas_joke/
%
Did you hear about that doctor who got fired?

He didn't have a lot of patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e90dnm/did_you_hear_about_that_doctor_who_got_fired/
%
How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb ?

None, they'll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e9099m/how_many_boomers_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up 2 fingers, and says: "Five beers, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e900ve/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Son, with great power..

Comes great electricity bills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e900kh/son_with_great_power/
%
There's a thin line between "Obsessive" and "Compulsive"

... it's a hyphen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8zxyx/theres_a_thin_line_between_obsessive_and/
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Everybody wants to be like Santa

work one day of the year and spend the rest of the days judging people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8zsy4/everybody_wants_to_be_like_santa/
%
Some call it foreskin.

I prefer man-hood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8zru8/some_call_it_foreskin/
%
What has 50 heads, 97 eyes and 8 teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8zqe8/what_has_50_heads_97_eyes_and_8_teeth/
%
Professor X: what's your super power?

Me: hindsight
Professor X: that's not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8yw5d/professor_x_whats_your_super_power/
%
How is a meatball different than a meteor?

It’s meatier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ys32/how_is_a_meatball_different_than_a_meteor/
%
My new girlfriend told me I'm horrible in bed.

It's unfair to make that judgement in less than a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8yli9/my_new_girlfriend_told_me_im_horrible_in_bed/
%
Q: What was the first Harry Potter Movie...

A: Die Hard. A man sneaks around a tower trying to avoid Alan Rickman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8xqgc/q_what_was_the_first_harry_potter_movie/
%
Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8xpjw/never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
Why is Barcelona's football always untidy?

Because the goals are all Messi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8xji0/why_is_barcelonas_football_always_untidy/
%
A man walks into a pub

Man: Sorry I don't usually go here, are you the pubtender?
Bartender: *sighs*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8xing/a_man_walks_into_a_pub/
%
A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enquires. "Well", she says. "I own a house next to the 9th hole at the golf course. There's a small hole in the fence, and the male golfers are always poking their penises through it to releive themselves. It kills the plants and makes the garden stink! So, I bought a pair of garden shears and when they stuck their penis through the hole, I squeezed gently with the shears and told them that if they didn't pay me $20 I'd chop it off". The policeman is both horrified and impressed with the old woman's creativity. "So what's in the other bag?" The old woman replies "Not all of them wanted to pay"....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8xdis/a_police_officer_sees_an_old_lady_dragging_two/
%
Who called it screaming?

And not Irritable Vowel Syndrome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8xbmy/who_called_it_screaming/
%
16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16 16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16

A man is walking down the street in a small town where there is an insane asylum contained by a 20 foot brick wall at the end of the block.  Behind the wall he can hear the inmates roaring "16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16 16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16" and he wonders what is happening.  The roar grows louder as he draws closer, when he spots a small break in the bricks where he might be able to spy what is happening.  He puts his face to the wall and looks in the hole only to be poked in the eye with a stick.  The inmates shriek with laugter and shout: "17, 17 17, 17, 17, 17, 17, 17, 17...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8xaf5/16_16_16_16_16_16_16_16_16_16_16_16_16_16/
%
An elderly couple, both widowed, discussed marraige after dating a while...

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and finally they came upon the subject of marital relations...
"How do you feel about sex?" The man asked...
"I would like it infrequently," Said the woman...
The man leaned forward...and asked..."Is that one word, or two?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8wvo5/an_elderly_couple_both_widowed_discussed_marraige/
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Two 90 year old men love football

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike... Mike..."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike. It's me, Joe..."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? "
"You're in the team for Saturday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8wp1p/two_90_year_old_men_love_football/
%
A doctor tells a man there are 2 pieces of bad news

.
Man: “What are they?”
Doctor: “The first is you have cancer.”
Man: “What is the 2nd piece of bad news?”
Doctor: “You have Alzheimer’s.”
Man: [laughs] “Well at least I don’t have cancer!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8wd1i/a_doctor_tells_a_man_there_are_2_pieces_of_bad/
%
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
'BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8wbem/bob_came_home_drunk_one_night_slid_into_bed/
%
Will Will Smith smith ?

Yes, Will Smith will smith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8w1vs/will_will_smith_smith/
%
A few famous scientists are playing a game of hide-and-seek

Einstein starts looking for everyone. Most of them hide, except Newton, who pulls out a piece of paper exactly 1m x 1m in size and places it on the ground next to him.
When Einstein finds him, he shouts: I've found you, Isaac! You've lost!"
The other physicist replies: "Nope. You must be thinking of Pascal."
"What do you mean?", Einstein asks. "I see you, not Pascal."
Isaac points at the page next to him, then at himself.
"That's one pascal.", he says matter-of-factly. "Newton by square meter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8w071/a_few_famous_scientists_are_playing_a_game_of/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8vzp7/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
An American man has a heart attack at his home

His wife calls 911 and they send the ambulance over. Ten minutes later, the doctor calls the wife and they ask her to come to the hospital. When she gets there, the doctor has some bad news. "I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband suddenly had another heart attack and passed. The woman is hysterical. "How could this have happened?!" The doctor replies, "Well, we had shown him the cost for the ambulance..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8vu0g/an_american_man_has_a_heart_attack_at_his_home/
%
Tourism ad for Holland: Come, have sex and get stoned.

Below that
Tourism ad for Saudi Arabia: Ditto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8vszu/tourism_ad_for_holland_come_have_sex_and_get/
%
My Uncle died from a viagra overdose

His death has been really hard on the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8vo1k/my_uncle_died_from_a_viagra_overdose/
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The people who chose Saturn's name were spot-on.

It really has a ring to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8vmbe/the_people_who_chose_saturns_name_were_spoton/
%
My nephew and I were walking in the park...

My nephew and I were walking in the park when we saw two dogs locked in coitus. My nephew asked,  "Uncle Mac, what are those dogs doing?" Thinking fast, I said, "The one in back hurt its paw and the one in front is helping it walk." My nephew then said, "That's just like some people. They say they're your friend, but when you help 'em all they do is fuck you in the ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8vm0q/my_nephew_and_i_were_walking_in_the_park/
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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8vlok/a_young_man_was_showing_off_his_new_sports_car_to/
%
My grief counsellor died yesterday.

Luckily he was that good I dont give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8vjf4/my_grief_counsellor_died_yesterday/
%
Lets ban all shredded cheese from Mexico

Make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8vajb/lets_ban_all_shredded_cheese_from_mexico/
%
When someone tells you to , "hold your horses"

They are telling you to be "stable"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8v6j9/when_someone_tells_you_to_hold_your_horses/
%
After deliberating for a long time, Kanye finally decided that Kim can no longer get new butt injections.

He's putting a cap on that ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8v2ru/after_deliberating_for_a_long_time_kanye_finally/
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Presidents

Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents:
– We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits - saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud ...
– Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody!
\- Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little ... we swear at Trump, but in a whisper ... we throw at him ... but in front of our TVs ...
\- Well, I exaggerated a bit as well ... We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down ...
\[Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8v28u/presidents/
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Christmas these days is a lot like having sex

, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I always regret spending all that money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8uvow/christmas_these_days_is_a_lot_like_having_sex/
%
hold up

if bedbugs live in beds where do cockroaches live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8um98/hold_up/
%
Tickle your ass with a feather?

A homeless man is sitting on curb across from a bar. He watches a man across the way speaking to every woman who passes by. Eventually, he leaves with one of the women.  The next day, the same thing happens.  The next day, the homeless man inquires about the man’s secret. “Every woman who passes by, I say, ‘Tickle your ass with a feather?’ If they act offended, I just tell them I said ‘Particularly nasty weather.’  Eventually someone is into it and up for fun, and I leave with them.” The homeless man knows he has to try it. So the next day, he sits on the same curb across from the bar. But he’s so nervous, he starts to get drunk, trying to work up the courage to talk to a woman.  Eventually, he’s tanked, and a woman passes by. “Stick a feather up your ass?” he asks. She turns around and exclaims“What’d you say to me?” “Look at the fuckin' clouds!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ugek/tickle_your_ass_with_a_feather/
%
Doctor: “I have terrible news— you only have 10 to live.”

Patient: Ten!!? Ten what? Ten Years?? Ten months?? Ten Weeks??
Doctor (slowly): Six, Five, Four, Three...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ue24/doctor_i_have_terrible_news_you_only_have_10_to/
%
A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.
"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"
The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.
"Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?"
The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it.
Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven.
And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ubko/a_farmer_and_a_king_died_at_the_same_time/
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How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8u57t/how_do_you_get_a_philosophy_major_off_of_your/
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A man sees an extremely busty woman walking by...

He says, "Hey, will you let me bite those big ol boobies of yours for $1,000?"
Christmas was coming and decided she could use the extra cash, so she agrees.
The two walk around the corner and the woman strips off her shirt and bra, exposing two of the best boobies the guy had ever seen.
The guy dives right in, motorboating them like he's the captain of a ship and sucking and licking every square inch of em. About 10 minutes go by, and the somewhat frustrated lady says "Well are you gonna bite em?" The guy replies "No, because then I'd have to give you $1,000."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8u04a/a_man_sees_an_extremely_busty_woman_walking_by/
%
Why was El Chapo so popular among academics?

There were many *essays* around him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8tng4/why_was_el_chapo_so_popular_among_academics/
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Why did Hermione marry Ron?

Because he was a Keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8tdgf/why_did_hermione_marry_ron/
%
Tupperware

What do the Tupperware lady and Walrus have in common?
Both are looking for a tight Seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8td8m/tupperware/
%
Nsfw. I watched a really sad porno

I watched a really sad porno the other day. The ending made me cry.
You could say it was a real tear jerker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8tbsn/nsfw_i_watched_a_really_sad_porno/
%
My grandfather always used to tell me, "When one door closes, another one opens."

He was a great man...
but a terrible cabinet maker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8t9x0/my_grandfather_always_used_to_tell_me_when_one/
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A fairy appears in front of an old man.

"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8t5x6/a_fairy_appears_in_front_of_an_old_man/
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What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

Fur traders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8t2r9/what_do_you_call_two_lesbians_in_a_canoe/
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Gordon Ramsey always uses condoms

Because he doesn't like his meat raw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8sue2/gordon_ramsey_always_uses_condoms/
%
Difference between Catholic and Baptist

A Catholic will say Hi when they see you at the liquor store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8so6b/difference_between_catholic_and_baptist/
%
We all know that the Big Apple is in New York, but doesn’t anyone know where the...

Minneapolis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8sgrt/we_all_know_that_the_big_apple_is_in_new_york_but/
%
What did the baby corn ask the mother corn ?

He asked: "Where's pop corn ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8s4ve/what_did_the_baby_corn_ask_the_mother_corn/
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A man squirts his girlfriend with a squirting gun

A man squirts water on his girlfriend’s skirt with a squirting gun.
His girlfriend starts laughing hysterically, and the man asks why.
“Well you see, you finally got me wet!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8rqf3/a_man_squirts_his_girlfriend_with_a_squirting_gun/
%
Never look in a homosexual's toilet

That's some gay shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8rpgt/never_look_in_a_homosexuals_toilet/
%
What drink does the Joker hate?

Societea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8rnju/what_drink_does_the_joker_hate/
%
What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8rlta/whats_the_difference_between_a_seal_and_a_sea_lion/
%
I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8re38/i_traveled_to_london_this_year_to_take_part_in/
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What did the cemetery say to the hospital?

Sorry aout the delay but thank you for your patients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ra6w/what_did_the_cemetery_say_to_the_hospital/
%
My wife told me that she wanted to see a huge ring on our anniversary...

So I got her tickets to Wrestlemania.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8r876/my_wife_told_me_that_she_wanted_to_see_a_huge/
%
Back in the day, Instagram just meant

**a really efficient drug dealer.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8r1yv/back_in_the_day_instagram_just_meant/
%
What did Donnie ask to get for Christmas?

I want nothing.
I want nothing.
Just tell McConnell to do the right thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8qybb/what_did_donnie_ask_to_get_for_christmas/
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What prize do you get for a really good knock knock joke?

A Nobel prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8qvq3/what_prize_do_you_get_for_a_really_good_knock/
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I've been happily married for one year

...out of a total of 5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8qmma/ive_been_happily_married_for_one_year/
%
I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m going to try a fig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8qmgg/i_had_a_date_tonight_it_was_pretty_sweet/
%
Two Sausages in a frying pan. One turns to the other and says, it's kinda hot in here, the other says.

HOLY FUCK, A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8qgct/two_sausages_in_a_frying_pan_one_turns_to_the/
%
How many dead hookers you need to change lightbulb in the basement?

Well, it is not 3 since it is still dark in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8qfc1/how_many_dead_hookers_you_need_to_change/
%
Tinder is like Amsterdam

All the girls are behind a glass screen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8qa9j/tinder_is_like_amsterdam/
%
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much

What a stupid thing to fallout 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8q75g/my_girlfriend_just_broke_up_with_me_for_talking/
%
DOCTOR: So you’re here for a hearing test?

ME: Yeah.
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR: I mean, you passed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8q1qg/doctor_so_youre_here_for_a_hearing_test/
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The Drunk & the Bus Driver

This is a repost of one I've told for decades:
A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.
As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet person laying there.
"Hey, buddy!" The guy sat up and looked as wet and cold as he was drunk. "Hey fella, get outta the rain and on the bus."
"I can't", mumbled the drunk, "I don't haff any money."
"Nevermind that, get on the bus", said the driver kindly. So the drunk staggers up the steps and plonks down in the seat across from the driver. He looked so bedraggled and sad that the driver wanted to make him feel at least a little bit happier.
So he says to the drunk, "Hey, buddy, hey watch this!"
He stops the bus and a sour-looking older woman gets on, shaking her umbrella. She deposits her fare, and as she goes past the driver, he says, "Tickle your c#nt with a feather?"
The woman wheels around, "What did you say?!!"
The driver answers, "Typical country weather....Don't you agree?"
The woman is red-faced and embarrassed at what she thought she heard and mumbles yes, she agrees and sits herself well down the back.
The drunk is smiling a bit, so the driver knows its having a positive effect. "Watch this one", he says.
Sure enough, at the next stop another woman gets on. She looks like she's never cracked a smile in her life. As she drops in her fare and starts to move past the driver, he mumbles, "Tickle your snatch with a feather?"
The woman gasps and says,"I beg your pardon?!!"
To which the driver answers, "I said typical nasty weather."
The woman is completely shaken and apologises and agrees, yes the weather is atrocious. Then hurries to her seat.
Now the drunk is chuckling quite freely.
The driver leans over and says to the drunk, "Why don't you do the next one?"
The drunk shakes his head, "No, I'm too dr-dr-drunk." "Nah", says the driver, "you do this one."
So as the bus stops, the drunk pulls himself up straight in the seat, smooths his clothes out and stares straight ahead. His face is a study in concentration. As the lady pays her fare and begins to pass by the drunk, he says in a clear, strong voice, "SCRATCH YER C#NT WITH A STICK?"
The woman, absolutely shocked, turns to the drunk and says, "WHAT did you say to me?!!"
"F#ckin' cold, eh?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8pzjx/the_drunk_the_bus_driver/
%
What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Between you and me, something smells."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8pz0z/what_did_the_left_eye_say_to_the_right_eye/
%
I tried to lose weight but I'm still fat

Didnt work out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8pt5s/i_tried_to_lose_weight_but_im_still_fat/
%
What has 15 eyes, 15 hands, and 15 feet?

15 pirates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8prhz/what_has_15_eyes_15_hands_and_15_feet/
%
Believing in 12.5% of the Bible

Makes you an eighth thiest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8pqbz/believing_in_125_of_the_bible/
%
Polite waiter

Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”
\-
Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8pq5j/polite_waiter/
%
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she’s hitting on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ppp8/my_therapist_told_me_that_i_have_trouble/
%
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.

He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man." So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8pm7k/this_12_year_old_boy_was_in_bed_when_he_heard_his/
%
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

Shakespeare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8pm5q/what_do_you_call_a_nervous_javelin_thrower/
%
A Spanish man walks into a department store

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines" said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed "Eso sí que es!".
"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?" asked the exasperated salesgirl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8pevq/a_spanish_man_walks_into_a_department_store/
%
"Don't criticise what you can't understand." - Bob Dylan

I fucking hate that quote. What does it even mean?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8peqt/dont_criticise_what_you_cant_understand_bob_dylan/
%
It was so quiet at the High CPU party.

You could hear a ping drop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8pe95/it_was_so_quiet_at_the_high_cpu_party/
%
Chewbacca was tall and strong.

If he had played sports, I'm sure he would have been Wookie of the Year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8paep/chewbacca_was_tall_and_strong/
%
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.

And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8p9cp/if_life_gives_you_lemons_you_should_make_lemonade/
%
I would tell you an unemployment joke

But none of them work...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8p9a4/i_would_tell_you_an_unemployment_joke/
%
Three men were on a deep sea fishing trip.

A storm blew through and cap sized thier ship. The three men washed on the shore of an island. They were awaken when the inhabitants of the island started dragging them through the sand towards the center of the village.
Once they got to the center of the village, the big chief comes out and points to the first man. The man stands and the chief says, "Death or boofunga!" The man started thinking to himself about how he just got his dream car, he was starting a really good career, he can't die yet. So he stomps one foot on the ground, pushes his chest out and says, "BOOFUNGA!" The chief nods and says "Boofunga." Two islanders snatch the man up, take him into a hut and a group of tribe members beat and rape this man for an hour. When they are done they let him go and he comes running out of the hut screaming, "CHOOSE DEATH! CHOOSE DEATH!"
The chief points at the second man and says, "Death or boofunga." The man stands and he's thinking to himself. He just married his dream girl and she is pregnant. He's nervous about what happened to the first guy but he cant die yet. So he stomps his foot down, sticks his cheat out, and says, "Boofunga!" The chief says, "Boofunga." and two islanders snatch the man up, take him to a hut and beat and rape him for an hour. When they were done they let him go and he was screaming and crying to the third guy as he ran away, "CHOOSE DEATH! CHOOSE DEATH!!"
The chief points at the third guy and says, "Death of boofunga." The man really didn't have much going for him And he was scared shitless about what happened to the first two men. He stands up, stomps one foot on the ground, pushes his chest out and says "DEATH!" The chief looks at the man and says "Death... by boofunga!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8p8o0/three_men_were_on_a_deep_sea_fishing_trip/
%
What's the difference between three cocks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8p8dm/whats_the_difference_between_three_cocks_and_a/
%
What was forest gump's email password?

1forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8p5v9/what_was_forest_gumps_email_password/
%
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts.
DOOT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ov73/why_didnt_the_skeleton_cross_the_road/
%
2 fish in a tank. One says to the other,

How do you drive this thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ot3z/2_fish_in_a_tank_one_says_to_the_other/
%
so the new boss is a total ass

doesnt like anyone. I see him standing one late evening by the shredder. staring at it. looking where the buttons are. struggling to see how it works. I decide to help him. get in his good books you know. I ask him can I help, he says yes please with puppy dog eyes. I put the stack of papers in the shredder and it does his thing. next thing the boss says killed me. he asks with the same puppy dog eyes
can you make two copies for me please

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8oks6/so_the_new_boss_is_a_total_ass/
%
What's the deadliest of the sauces?

Gravy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ok4l/whats_the_deadliest_of_the_sauces/
%
A father says to his son: Son, you're adopted

Son asks in shock: Who is my real dad?
Father: Me, but your new parents are coming in thirty minutes, so pack your stuff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8odkp/a_father_says_to_his_son_son_youre_adopted/
%
What has 40 feet and 8 teeth?

The front row at a  Willie Nelson concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ocz8/what_has_40_feet_and_8_teeth/
%
I've been waiting to have my legs extended to become taller

I guess it's a lengthy process.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8o6vc/ive_been_waiting_to_have_my_legs_extended_to/
%
What's a biologist's favorite article of clothing?

Jeans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8o61q/whats_a_biologists_favorite_article_of_clothing/
%
So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!?

It's not the end of the world!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8o5f6/so_what_if_i_dont_know_what_apocalypse_means/
%
Where are you most likely to get a flat tyre.

When there's a fork in the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8nzbr/where_are_you_most_likely_to_get_a_flat_tyre/
%
A politicain wanted to confirm that his son was really his son or had his wife been unfaithful.

He creates a setup. He places a $1000 bill, a glass of whiskey and a gun on a table. He then calls his son in. His son barges in "Hey Dad"
He shows his son the setup and tells him to choose.
The son without a second thought picks up the bill, puts it in his pocket. Without further ado, he drinks the entire glass of whiskey in one go. He then picks up a gun starts to threaten everyone else in the room to empty their pockets.
The politician stands up, hugs his son and with a heart filled with emotion exclaims " HE IS MY SON!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8nxy6/a_politicain_wanted_to_confirm_that_his_son_was/
%
What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don't look! I'm changing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8nv53/what_did_the_traffic_light_say_to_the_car/
%
What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?

Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8nrx3/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_patient_suffering/
%
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live...

So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8nm44/my_doctor_said_i_only_have_5_more_days_to_live/
%
What are the three stages of marital sex?

Tri-weekly
Try weekly
Try weakly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ne8m/what_are_the_three_stages_of_marital_sex/
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What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8mrs4/what_do_you_get_when_you_inject_human_dna_into_a/
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Do you know what is actually NSFW?

My deadbeat unemployed dad.
Not suitable for work? Yeah, all the companies he got fired from think so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8mebj/do_you_know_what_is_actually_nsfw/
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When I was 7 years old, I realized that Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and my dad all had the same handwriting.

Good thing none of those things actually exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8m3yp/when_i_was_7_years_old_i_realized_that_santa_the/
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What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?

632 Hallmark movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8m0if/what_has_15_actors_four_settings_two_writers_and/
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If the plant is sad...

Will other plants photosympathize with it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8lyw0/if_the_plant_is_sad/
%
I found an enormous ravine filled with so many precious metals, I came in my pants.

It was a HUGE ore chasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8loxh/i_found_an_enormous_ravine_filled_with_so_many/
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What do you give the woman who has everything?

Penicillin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8lh9f/what_do_you_give_the_woman_who_has_everything/
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The guys loitering on the street had been trolling this kid for a couple of years.

They'd hold out a nickle in one hand and a dime in the other and ask "Which one do you want? The nickle is bigger!" and the kid would always take the nickle.
One day I took the kid aside and asked him "Don't you know the dime is worth twice as much?"
He said "Yeah, but if I take the dime they won't ever do it again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8lcht/the_guys_loitering_on_the_street_had_been/
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She told me that if I wanted to be her lover, I had to get with her friends.

Unfortunately, she was a Redditor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8kwoh/she_told_me_that_if_i_wanted_to_be_her_lover_i/
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How do IT stoners measure their edibles?

In gigglebites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8kvmi/how_do_it_stoners_measure_their_edibles/
%
My professor decided to give me individual lessons as punishment for always being late. I was instructed to arrive half an hour before class started. “Remember”, he said, “if you’re on time, you’re late, but if you’re early, you’re on time”.

The next morning, I dashed straight to class, making it there exactly a half hour before class started, and unsure if this counted as being late.
“I’m here professor, what’s the lesson about?”, I asked.
“Well, it’s about time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8kovg/my_professor_decided_to_give_me_individual/
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The old couple

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat
.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing I'm getting a Tetanus shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8kbyu/the_old_couple/
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Scientists got bored of watching the Earth turn so after 24 hours

They called it a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8kbj5/scientists_got_bored_of_watching_the_earth_turn/
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How do you know your phone has a full battery in the Star Wars universe?

Chargar Blinks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8k4vw/how_do_you_know_your_phone_has_a_full_battery_in/
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A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist were all at a mental hospital.

The zoophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat.”
The sadist says, “Let’s fuck a cat and then torture it.”
The murderer says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, and then kill it.”
The necrophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, and then fuck it again.”
The pyromaniac says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, fuck it again, and then burn it.”
The masochist says, “Meow.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8jz09/a_zoophile_a_sadist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
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My friends zodiac sign was cancer, ironic how he died

Eaten by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8jwby/my_friends_zodiac_sign_was_cancer_ironic_how_he/
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I saw a 1 star review for Mars on Yelp

They said it lacked atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ju1a/i_saw_a_1_star_review_for_mars_on_yelp/
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What’s red and bad for your teeth ?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8j7xt/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
I like my slave like my I like my coffee

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8j72b/i_like_my_slave_like_my_i_like_my_coffee/
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A group of friends are eating dinner at a restaurant

They are surprised to realize that their waiter is a duck, however service was good so they couldn't complain. They ask for the check and it comes to decide who pays what. One of them speaks up and says, "I'll foot the bill!" He then proceeds to kick the waiter in the face.
(As the group runs off, the waiter unleashes some fowl language)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8j6jk/a_group_of_friends_are_eating_dinner_at_a/
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Back in the day my uncle was a damn good hypnotist

On an unrelated note I feel compelled to tell you he never touched me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8j5h8/back_in_the_day_my_uncle_was_a_damn_good_hypnotist/
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I used to work at a can crushing factory

It was soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8j0ux/i_used_to_work_at_a_can_crushing_factory/
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“Absolutely nothing” spelled backwards is “gnihton yletulosba”

Which means absolutely nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8j0h4/absolutely_nothing_spelled_backwards_is_gnihton/
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As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ixvy/as_a_pink_floyd_fan_nothing_makes_me_angrier_than/
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Hellen Keller walks into a bar,

And a table..... and a stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8iv48/hellen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Knock Knock

"Who's there?"
"Door mom"
"Door mom who?"
"I've come to bargain"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8itz8/knock_knock/
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What do you call it when an obese conspiracy theorist is arrested?

Busting a fat nut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8it9n/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_obese_conspiracy/
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Ugh, my Doctor got my zodiac sign wrong!

I’m a Capricorn, not Cancer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8iqko/ugh_my_doctor_got_my_zodiac_sign_wrong/
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Joke Archeology -- who's heard an older version of this often recycled joke?

I heard this one the first time back in the early 70's.
Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger were giving a young hippie hitchhiker a ride home in Air Force One from the Camp David Area, they started having engine trouble, unfortunately there were only four parachutes and the drafted pilots jumped out with the first two!  Henry Kissinger yells, "I'm ze smartest man in the world, I have much more to contribute" grabs a bag and jumps.  Nixon looks to the hippie and says, "son, you're young and have your life in front of you, I"m facing impeachment and am ready to meet my maker, you take the last parachute".  The hippie says "Groovy, but the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack, we can keep on truckin'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8insw/joke_archeology_whos_heard_an_older_version_of/
%
How much does a pirate pay for corn?

Nothing. He steals it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8inb9/how_much_does_a_pirate_pay_for_corn/
%
During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the door in hopes the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself!”
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”
The Episcopalians formed a procession and protested.
The Christian Scientists denied that there was a fire. The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to form a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
...
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ilim/during_an_ecumenical_assembly_a_secretary_rushed/
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Listen, the last thing I want to do here is be condescending

That means "to talk down to"
*(Credit: Bob Newhart)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ik0w/listen_the_last_thing_i_want_to_do_here_is_be/
%
What do you call four Mexicans trapped in quicksand?

Quatro Sinko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8if6y/what_do_you_call_four_mexicans_trapped_in/
%
Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ib3z/why_do_pirates_love_reddit/
%
A penis has a sad life

His family is nuts. His neighbor is an ass. His best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8i4ux/a_penis_has_a_sad_life/
%
What is the hardest thing about skydiving?

The ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8hxar/what_is_the_hardest_thing_about_skydiving/
%
Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of the room, he instead will be trapped inside forever.
The first man, being a lifelong alcoholic, is presented with a room identical to his favorite drinking spot. Some of his old drinking buddies are present, along with infinitely replenishing spirits of all kinds! The first man is ecstatic and, thinking it will be an easy feat, runs inside and slams the door behind him.
The second man, known for being quite the pervert, immediately feels his blood start pumping as the second door is opened. Inside are women of every shape, size, color, you name it. Every woman this man has ever fantasized about is here, ready to obey his every command. Without a word the second man rushes inside, closing the door behind him.
Now the third man, having been a cannabis connoisseur for most of his life, stands in awe of the marvel before him. Inside his room is a forest containing every strand of marijuana conceivable; the shrubs are the most beautiful green hues, ebitting the stickiest of smells; the ground is littered with the highest quality nuggs, the dirt is hash rocks and kief, and the trees are actually twenty foot tall plants. The stoner can't wait to get eternally stoned and happily jaunts inside his room.
1,000 years pass...
Satan, being a man of his word, decides to check on each of the men. He opens the door to the first man's room, only to find the most disgusting mess he had ever seen: blood, booze, and bodily fluids create a disgusting miasma throughout the room. Broken glass litters the floor, and the man's once-friends lie dead in various states of decay. After searching for a while, Satan happens upon the man, shrivelled up and nestled in a pile of bottles, crying and bleeding profusely. The man's wracking sobs stop as his trembling lips work to form a sentence: "P-please... Get m-me out of here..."
Satan, a man of his word, reminds the man of the condition upon which he was imprisoned, and having broken his end of the bargain, the man is trapped inside eternally.
"The second man must have done better than that one", Satan thinks to himself while opening the second door. Moments later, hundreds upon thousands of people come flooding out, men, women, children of all creeds, along with the scents of human waste and burnt flesh. Eventually Satan sees the man he locked in here riding the wave of people. "Get me out of here!" The man screams, and Satan seals the door forever.
The third door is all that remains now; as Satan opens it, he sees the stoner meditating in the center of the forest, surrounded by a pool of tears. The forest had been untouched for the full thousand years. Satan is understandably quite confused! The stoner opens his eyes in disbelief and runs over to Satan, and shaking him by the collar he says: "Do you have a lighter, man?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8hwgw/just_beyond_the_gates_of_hell_an_alcoholic_a/
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A man meets a woman at a bar

He plucks up the courage and asks her name.
"Carmen" she says seductively
"because i like cars and men, what's yours?"
The man thought for a moment.
"Beercunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8hume/a_man_meets_a_woman_at_a_bar/
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Me asking a girl out be like: (NSFW)

Me: So you free tonight?
Her: What no I charge $20 an hour!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8hnpw/me_asking_a_girl_out_be_like_nsfw/
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Hispanic girls can not be a man's peace. Its literally in their name.

(His)(panic)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8hkkg/hispanic_girls_can_not_be_a_mans_peace_its/
%
What do you call an Italian hooker?

A pasta tute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8hihe/what_do_you_call_an_italian_hooker/
%
Enjoy my heavenly eggs.

I scrambled the hell out of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8h9u8/enjoy_my_heavenly_eggs/
%
Actual transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95...

*US Ship*: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
*Canadians*: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
*US Ship*: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
*Canadians*: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
*US Ship*: "*THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.*"
*Canadians*: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8h3bk/actual_transcript_of_a_us_naval_ship_with/
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Doctor: does anything run in your family that I should know about?

**Me: [clutching a crumpled photo of my dad]** ...yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8h1v1/doctor_does_anything_run_in_your_family_that_i/
%
Children wake up in the morning to find a strange man in their kitchen making some scrambled eggs...

They ask him: "Are you our new baby sitter?"
The guy replies: "No, I'm your new mother fucker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8gwyj/children_wake_up_in_the_morning_to_find_a_strange/
%
A foreign father and son walked into a mall for the first time...

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "*What is this Father?*"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "*Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is.*"
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
*"Go get your Mother."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8gpxn/a_foreign_father_and_son_walked_into_a_mall_for/
%
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8gg71/my_boss_is_threatening_to_fire_the_employee_with/
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A woman was sitting next to a man on a plane who kept sneezing and then shaking violently for several seconds thereafter.

After awhile, she got curious and asked, "are you feeling okay?  I've noticed that you shake a lot after each sneeze."
The man said, "yes, I just have a condition where whenever I sneeze I have an intense orgasm."
The woman said, "oh, my!  I can see how that could be very inconvenient.  Are you taking anything for it?"
He said, "yes, pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8gg4k/a_woman_was_sitting_next_to_a_man_on_a_plane_who/
%
I rear-ended a car this morning. The driver got out of the other car - he was a dwarf.

He looked up at me and said, “I AM NOT HAPPY!”
So I said, “well which one are you then?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8fwtu/i_rearended_a_car_this_morning_the_driver_got_out/
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I asked a Welshman how many people he had slept with

He started counting and then just fell asleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8fvoo/i_asked_a_welshman_how_many_people_he_had_slept/
%
I always give 110% at my work

Yet the boss always scold me. Geez, being a cashier is hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8fmcg/i_always_give_110_at_my_work/
%
Have you heard the joke about silence?

Neither have I

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8fj3r/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_silence/
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Three dogs are at the vet...

First dog asks the second dog, "What you in here for?"
Second dog says, "When the mailman came, i jumped on him, and tore him up. So, I'm getting my nuts cut."
Second dog asks the first dog, "What you in here for?"
First dog says, "When the milkman came, I jumped on him, and tore him up. So, I'm getting my nuts cut."
They both look at the third dog, and ask, "What are you in here for?"
The third dog says, "When the masters wife came home, she dropped her keys on the floor. When she bent over, i jumped on her and tore her ass up."
First and second dog say, "Damn, you getting your nuts cut too?"
Third dog replies, "No, just my nails done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ff58/three_dogs_are_at_the_vet/
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Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay back his exorcism loan

He got repossessed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8fdde/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_couldnt_pay_back/
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Knock - Knock

Whose there?
**Ya**
**Ya** who?
**Dot com**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8f6p9/knock_knock/
%
Why is a broken drum the best gift?

It can’t be beat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ez2u/why_is_a_broken_drum_the_best_gift/
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In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8estv/in_an_effort_to_bridge_the_cultural_gap_with_my/
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I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages.

That's a lot of coloring when you think about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8esiu/i_finished_a_big_book_the_other_day_421_pages/
%
Who keeps the oceans clean?

Mermaids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ep65/who_keeps_the_oceans_clean/
%
What did Bob Ross do when his dick got possessed by Satan?

He beat the devil out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ej4z/what_did_bob_ross_do_when_his_dick_got_possessed/
%
Why is Santa Claus always in a good mood?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8e1i5/why_is_santa_claus_always_in_a_good_mood/
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Tampex has announced they are replacing the string on their products with tinsel.

For the Christmas period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8e0ed/tampex_has_announced_they_are_replacing_the/
%
Who were the first two gay Irishmen?

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8dypv/who_were_the_first_two_gay_irishmen/
%
I hate people who take drugs!

For example : Airport Security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8dsiv/i_hate_people_who_take_drugs/
%
A man walks into a bar

As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?”
The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”
The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8dq8z/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8dq3g/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches_long/
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A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.
The husband had a nice flight, consuming  four bags of peanuts while watching a black and white comedy film he remembered from his childhood. He landed in a cheery mood and once he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Whistling a light ditty, he slipped his computer out of his bag and opened up his email. In his cheerful bliss, the man accidentally misspelled his wife's address, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away just the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email the next day, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
*Hey honey,*
*Just got checked in. Everything's ready for your arrival tomorrow. See you soon <3*
*Love,*
*Your charming husband*
*P.S. It's blazing hot here, so make sure you bring some summer clothes :)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8dd9g/a_couple_was_preparing_to_take_a_beach_vacation/
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Saving on Car Repair

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
\-
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8cz5p/saving_on_car_repair/
%
I had sex with a vegan and didn't know she recorded it

Until I found the video on QuornHub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8cylk/i_had_sex_with_a_vegan_and_didnt_know_she/
%
I wanted to post a joke about sodium

But Na people wouldnt understand it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8cr29/i_wanted_to_post_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
Alan takes his wife fishing

On a usual trip he catches 10-15 fish. He's gobsmacked when the pair of them manage a haul of over 100! He decided to enter them both into the local fishing competition.
The day of the competition rolls around, and each of the Anglers take it in turns. The first man is a big beefy lad, and he catches 5 fish.
The second is a woman in her 30s, typical american heroine- plaid jacket, shotgun in the 'Trunk' (imitation of course but she  brags that its real) and platinum blonde hair. She manages to catch 17 fish, and it looks like the competition is already over.
Finally, Alan is up. As usual, he only catches 15 fish, which is still good for him. He walks past his competitors, beaming.
"Why are you so happy?" They ask him.
"My wife is up next, and she's sure to win!"
The other competitors laugh, they've seen his wife. Shes in her 50s, tight permed hair and with a little apron, the pinnacle of domesticity, looking like she's never fished in her life.
To their surprise, she catches 250 fish! The competition is called off due to concerns for local wildlife, and everyone is clamouring around Alan and his wife.
A reporter from the local paper wants to do a story on the amazing event and says "who are you amazing Anglers?"
"I'm Alan, and this is my Wife."
"And what's her name?"
"Annette"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8cjtd/alan_takes_his_wife_fishing/
%
A victim of bullying on death row

There was once a man who was bullied for looking sort of like a clown, with pale skin and a red nose. After years of being bullied by classmates and coworkers alike, he snaps and commits a homicide in the office he worked at.
For the murders of several people, he gets put on death row.
After serving his time, it was time for him to be executed by electrocution.
After sitting down in the chair, ready for his demise. The electric chair malfunctions and only gives him a minor but long shock over a few minutes. As workers rush to fix the problem, an officer watching the spectacle looks to his colleague and says:
"That was not a well executed joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8cbal/a_victim_of_bullying_on_death_row/
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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8c4st/a_young_man_and_his_date_were_parked_on_a_back/
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Why did the gingerbread man lose his legs?

He lost them in 'Nom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8bzld/why_did_the_gingerbread_man_lose_his_legs/
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The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”
“Good. What comes after three?”
“Four,” answered the boy.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven.”
“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”
“Jack.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8byr5/the_teacher_asked_little_johnny_if_he_knew_his/
%
Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

As they turn the corner, they come across a circus in the field over the road that has closed up for the night. One of the main attractions, a huge 12 foot tall bull elephant with a 6 foot long penis could clearly be seen quietly eating hay in it's enclosure.
The girls, who had clearly had a skinful of booze start staring and laughing loudly at such a site.
Tracey - "Look at the size of that cock!!, Imagine having something that large inside you."
Sharon - "Go on then, I dare you. Have a bash on it."
So Tracey asks Sharon to act as lookout whilst she sneaks into the enclosure for some very inappropriate action.
15 minutes later Tracey comes staggering back "Fuckin' hell Sharon you've got to have a bang on that, I've never felt so filled, it was amazing"
Excitedly, Sharon climbs into the elephant enclosure to get some of her own action.
Ten minutes later, Sharon comes back, but she is not in a good way. She can barely walk and there is blood streaming from her crotch and flowing down her legs
"Fuck Sharon! What happened?" Shouted Tracey
"The bastard fingered me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8bqqw/sharon_tracey_are_walking_home_from_the_pub_one/
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George W Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump are walking on the beach...

... when they find a strange corked bottle in the sand. Obama picks it up and pulls the cork, triggering a blinding flash of light. Suddenly, a genie appears before them, and booms "you three have saved me from this prison, and in return I shall grant you each one wish."
Excitedly, the men start pondering what to wish for. Obama is the first to step forward, and says to the genie, "I wish I was 10 years younger. I still have much to do for my fellow man, and regaining the youth I had before my presidency will help me give back to the people."
The genie says, "it is done". He claps his hands and suddenly, Obama is looking as good as he was the day he stepped into office.
George W Bush follows suit and says "I wish I was 20 years younger. I owe it to my fellow man to do good, and the regained youth will give me the energy I need to do it."
The genie says, "it is done". He claps his hands and suddenly, George W is looking sharp and ready for action.
Donald Trump shrugs, steps forward, and says "I wish Melania was 30 years younger".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8bls9/george_w_bush_barack_obama_and_donald_trump_are/
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The Person Who Invented The Knock-Knock Joke

Should get a no-bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8be4f/the_person_who_invented_the_knockknock_joke/
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Doctor: "I can't figure out what the problem is. It may be due to alcohol."

Patient: "That's alright. I'll come back when you're sober."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8bbo9/doctor_i_cant_figure_out_what_the_problem_is_it/
%
Greg wants to show his friend Max the golden toilet in the house he cleans in.

Greg cleans a big luxury house every week, the owner of the house is Mustafa. In the house the owner has a golden toilet and Greg thought it looked really luxurious and decided to show it to his friend Max. One day they go over to the house and ring the doorbell. Mustafa's wife comes to the door and Greg asks "Can i please show the golden toilet you have to my friend" after hearing that the woman yells "Mustafa the cleaning guy who shat in the saxophone is here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8ba3p/greg_wants_to_show_his_friend_max_the_golden/
%
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8b777/a_man_walks_into_a_pharmacy_and_wanders_up_and/
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What did the 7 dwarves call Snow White?

High hoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8b6k3/what_did_the_7_dwarves_call_snow_white/
%
Carmen dropped her waffle on the beach

Where in the world is Carmen's sandy Eggo?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8b63n/carmen_dropped_her_waffle_on_the_beach/
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A chinese kid asks his father: "Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?"

He replies: "I am not your dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8b3hy/a_chinese_kid_asks_his_father_dad_why_do_they_say/
%
Why do electricians periodically call their parents just to bad mouth them?

So they stay grounded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8b0ru/why_do_electricians_periodically_call_their/
%
Darth Vader has a twin brother who’s a tory..

He’s called TAX EVADER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8azpv/darth_vader_has_a_twin_brother_whos_a_tory/
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Mark is a gynecologist

but he is out of work, having messed up one too many times, so he decides he will do what his father did and become a mechanic, he applies to a technical school, gets accepted, and attends all his classes. He seems to be incredible at it as well, just as his father had said he would be. His final in one class for his last year is to take apart an engine, and then rebuild it. After the class, he notices that he has received a 150% on it. Confused he goes to his teacher and says "I don't mean to complain, but you gave me 150% on the final, is there some mistake?" his teacher replied, "No, you got 50% for taking it apart, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and 50% for doing it all through the intake because I have never seen anyone do that before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8azoy/mark_is_a_gynecologist/
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Justice is a dish best served cold

If it were served warm it would be justwater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8axss/justice_is_a_dish_best_served_cold/
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The Meaning of Sex

A man is working in his garage when his 5-year-old daughter comes in and says, "Daddy, what is sex?". The man thinks that if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to hear the truth, so he tells her. In graphic detail, he describes penises, vaginas, intercourse, and even orgasms. The little girl looks increasingly horrified as the father goes on. The father, bewildered, finally stops and asks the girl why she wanted know. The girl replies, "Mommy sent me here to tell you dinner would be ready in a couple of secs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8amcf/the_meaning_of_sex/
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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ...

and no one showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8akv1/when_my_parents_got_divorced_there_was_a_custody/
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I have good jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8afjo/i_have_good_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
What do you call a Yeti with an attitude?

A Sassy-squach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8absw/what_do_you_call_a_yeti_with_an_attitude/
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Three Nazi soldier walk into a BAR

Needless to say, it didn't end well for them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8a0pw/three_nazi_soldier_walk_into_a_bar/
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I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8a0ht/i_asked_my_girlfriend_to_describe_me_in_5_words/
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.

All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off.
The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her.
He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e89ws6/this_beautiful_woman_one_day_walks_into_a_doctors/
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A clock bursts into a bank with a gun

he points his gun at the clerk and yells, "12:00!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e89vis/a_clock_bursts_into_a_bank_with_a_gun/
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Mann organic chemistry is so difficult

I get into alkynes of trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e89u9l/mann_organic_chemistry_is_so_difficult/
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A patient is waiting for the doctor to return with his diagnosis

The doctor walks in.
Patient: So what is it doc? Lay it on me gently.
Doctor: Umm try saying two more ten times fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e89thn/a_patient_is_waiting_for_the_doctor_to_return/
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What do bees do when their friend moves into a new hive?

They throw them a house swarming party!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e89qzl/what_do_bees_do_when_their_friend_moves_into_a/
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A young man is uncomfortable with his body weight and therefore goes to the gym.

In front of it the man sees two queues. One of them seems to be a few people shorter so naturally he lines up there. As he reaches the end of the queue, a muscular MMA fighter rushes out of the building and hits the young man right where it hurts.
The young man gasps and crashes to the ground. As soon as he regains his breath, he asks: ‚Why? Why did you hit me?‘
The MMA fighter replies: ‚Oh, don‘t you know? This is the punch line.‘

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e89o5t/a_young_man_is_uncomfortable_with_his_body_weight/
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You know what’s worse than shaking someone’s wet hands after they’ve used the restroom?

Shaking someone’s dry hands after they’ve used the restroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e898v4/you_know_whats_worse_than_shaking_someones_wet/
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Which nationality is the European with the smoothest surface?

Polish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e895pn/which_nationality_is_the_european_with_the/
%
A kid asks his dad, "Dad, what is sex?"...

The dad is shocked. He goes into an internal struggle of whether to scold him or to tell him. Finally he decides to tell him and gives the kid the most eloquent explanation of sex complete with foreplay techniques and sex positions. The kid frowns after he's done and asks "So what do I put on the school admission form?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e894ai/a_kid_asks_his_dad_dad_what_is_sex/
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Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
First Lady:Whats that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e892u9/two_older_women_were_outside_their_nursing_home/
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What do you call a witch in the middle of the desert?

A Sandwich
Im sorry i go die now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e88wni/what_do_you_call_a_witch_in_the_middle_of_the/
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Two sperm meet

, says one:
"I'm going to be a boy."
The other answers:
"I'm going to be a girl!"
Suddenly a breadcrumb screams:
"You become nothing at all, you are in the esophagus!!!!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e88ro5/two_sperm_meet/
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Will I be OK doc?

"I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I don't do that astrology stuff doc.
"Me neither. My thermometer just broke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e88qox/will_i_be_ok_doc/
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Some seasons are cold

And summer hot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e88l6k/some_seasons_are_cold/
%
What do you call a successfull mirage?

An *optimal* illusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e88k94/what_do_you_call_a_successfull_mirage/
%
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who also was a blonde...

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like?” she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
“OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e88ht7/a_blonde_woman_was_speeding_down_the_road_in_her/
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I was voted most likely to succeed in 3 things.

Bad jokes and maths

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e88ej5/i_was_voted_most_likely_to_succeed_in_3_things/
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e88b8v/a_man_escapes_from_prison_where_he_has_been_for/
%
Woman: Doc, I’m farting constantly! No smell and no sound. Since I came in, I must have farted at least 20 times. I bet you never noticed?!

Doctor: I got it, I got it.
I’ll write you a prescription for some medicine. Come back next week.
A week later
Woman: Doc, What the hell did you give me? Now my farts are still silent but they reek like hell!!
Doctor: Perfect! Your stuffy nose is all better. Now we just need to take care of your hard of hearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e889by/woman_doc_im_farting_constantly_no_smell_and_no/
%
What happened before crowbars were invented?

There were more murders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e882ym/what_happened_before_crowbars_were_invented/
%
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”.
She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
He agrees.
She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE...
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8803u/harry_and_his_wife_are_having_hard_financial/
%
What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e87vch/what_do_cheap_hotels_and_designer_jeans_have_in/
%
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.
” But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering “Dave, you’re a vet…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e87tjp/doctor_dave_had_sex_with_one_of_his_patients_and/
%
A tribal artisan approache Mr. Narendra Modi, Prime minister of India with a proposal

Artisan : Mr. PM, Can I make a statue of yours in my tribal style?
PM: Ok, Please go ahead.
Artisan: Will I get any remuneration?
PM: I will give you 100,000 Indian Rupees for it.
Artisan was so happy, he worked hard and made a very beautiful statue of PM.
PM was very happy. As per promise, he paid artisan by writing  10 cheques of INR 10,000 each.
Artisan: You are a busy person, why did you waste time making 10 cheques instead of one?
PM: This will bebeneficial to you,me and country.
Artisan: How that will benefit me?
PM: You can take this cheque and you may get INR 50,000 for each with my signature.
Artisan: Oh! How country will benefit?
PM: I will auction this statue for more than INR 5,000,000 and money received will be donated in Prime Minister relief fund.
Artisan: Ok. But how you are going to be benfitted?
PM: Do you really think a person buying my signed cheque from you going to encash it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e87rnj/a_tribal_artisan_approache_mr_narendra_modi_prime/
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A man sued an airline company over his lost luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e87gn1/a_man_sued_an_airline_company_over_his_lost/
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Something is wrong with me!

A guy walks into a pharmacy: “I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I’m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?”
\-
Pharmacists: “Nope, I feel fine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e878br/something_is_wrong_with_me/
%
I made a mistake when making the bed in the morning. My girlfriend went crazy.

Bad sheet crazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e871pm/i_made_a_mistake_when_making_the_bed_in_the/
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How can you tell if a hippie has been in your house?

He’s still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e86xz4/how_can_you_tell_if_a_hippie_has_been_in_your/
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What is everyone doing!

I'm tired. Really tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack  of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason:  I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting there reading jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e86wxr/what_is_everyone_doing/
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Why did the worm leave the Apple?

Because Noah said to travel in pairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e86v38/why_did_the_worm_leave_the_apple/
%
What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e86rpn/what_is_the_worst_combination_of_illnesses/
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So I said "That's not a camel...

That's my wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e86rps/so_i_said_thats_not_a_camel/
%
Did you hear about the man who slaughtered lizards?

He was a cold-blooded killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e86p4k/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_slaughtered_lizards/
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I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e869kx/i_just_caught_my_husband_asking_somebody_for/
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what do you call a mexican without a car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e85ykx/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_without_a_car/
%
What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e85vl5/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
I like to get high at work

As a pilot, It really helps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e85ux8/i_like_to_get_high_at_work/
%
The best part of the woman is her heart.

Especially when it's well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e85tdk/the_best_part_of_the_woman_is_her_heart/
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Bad Ad

One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e85r6m/bad_ad/
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NSFW: What does your first car and anal sex have in common?

You don’t want either one, but your stepdad is gonna give you both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e85om8/nsfw_what_does_your_first_car_and_anal_sex_have/
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Blood Donation

I went to give blood the other day, what an awful experience. The nurses just wouldn't stop asking me questions, constantly.
"Who's blood is that?"
"Where did you get it?"
"Why is it in a bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e85g74/blood_donation/
%
Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e85dif/doctor_says_to_the_patient_your_coughing_sounds/
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WARNING THIS MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO RELIGIOUS PEOPLE THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING

Did Jesus die a virgin?
No he was nailed first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e858kp/warning_this_may_be_offensive_to_religious_people/
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Did you hear about that birdwatcher that was sent to jail?

He got caught robin a bank, which in our society, is a cardinal sin.
Real timid guy, too... I'm surprised he had the gull to pull it off.
I mean, I'm not surprised he got into trouble, seeing as to how he made a hobby of sitting in the bushes and staring at tits.
But I'm sure the robbery is what's gonna do him in. There's no ducking that charge. His goose is cooked for sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e858ej/did_you_hear_about_that_birdwatcher_that_was_sent/
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I hit a deer with my truck on the way home

And I really don't like it when meat goes to waste, so I guess it's a good thing I got it on the grille right away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e857hg/i_hit_a_deer_with_my_truck_on_the_way_home/
%
Have you heard of the kid who died breaking ore?

He was so young. Only a miner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e855m9/have_you_heard_of_the_kid_who_died_breaking_ore/
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Here's an oldie...

What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss muffet have in common?
A.They both had Kurds in their way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e85330/heres_an_oldie/
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There was a family of tomatoes

Daddy tomato, Mommy tomato and baby tomato.
Baby tomato was starting to lag behind.
Daddy tomato got angry, so he ran over, jumped on the baby and squished him. Then he said
"Ketchup"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e850sy/there_was_a_family_of_tomatoes/
%
A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench

A little boy walks by and drops a quarter. The priest says “let’s screw him” the rabbi says “outta of what? The quarter?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e84vkj/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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Not sure what you will find

A man who has been stranded on a deserted island all alone for 10 years  sees a speck on the horizon. "It's too small to be a ship," he thinks to  himself. As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of it  being a small boat, then a raft.
Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde woman emerges from the surf wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack  of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and  says, "Man, is that ever good!"
Then she asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"
Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!"
She unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask,  and gives it to him. He opens it, takes a long swig, and says, "That's  fantastic!"
Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper down the front of her  suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been  since you've played around?"
The man, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e84vir/not_sure_what_you_will_find/
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A long time ago I read this joke I found so good I wrote it down. I found this note today

Disclaimer: This joke involves gender-based humour and don't actually reflect the my viewpoint about either gender.
So there was this billionare, very sucessful enterpreneur, that decided to invest a large chunk of his funds in a new business: The Husband Shop
The Husband Shop is a 6-floor building, each containing an assortment of husbands bearing more or less the same characteristics, however the next floor has a costier but better selection.
So, this Lady goes to visit the shop and she sees this at the first floor: "At The Husband Shop we strive to present to you the very best in man. This Floor has 100% loyal men".
Quite pleased with what she sees, she goes to the next one and it says: "This Floor 100% loyal men and they are very handsome!".
She investigates further, and on the third floor she sees: "This floor has 100% loyal men, and they are handsome and romantic!"
On the fourth floor she finds: "This floor has 100% loyal men, which are also very handsome, romantic and great with kids!"
The fifth floor had the following: "This floor has 100% loyal men, all of them are very handsome, romantic, great with kids and they'll rock your world in the bed every time!"
She was absolutely amazed by what they had put together, and she knew they had the best for last, so she found this:
"Congratulations! You are the 4,986,221st visitor this year! Sorry, there are no husbands in this floor. We regret to inform we abandoned "The Husband Shop" development as we realized women were nearly impossible to please".
\---------------------------------------------------
BONUS JOKE
In order to appeal to both genders (and alleviate the uproar of sexism accusations), the billionare made "The Wife Shop", and they put a lot more effort this time around.
Since the other business became so famous because of the unusual service, a reporter did some digging, and he came back with this:
"Upon arriving 'The Wife Shop', or TWS, the costumer is immediatly greeted by an employee that will explain the concept of the business and will acompany Him or Her through the floors, in the same method they used on The Husband Shop.
The First Floor says: Welcome to The Wife Shop! We keep our promise to strive for excellency, but this time it's all about finding you your perfect wife! This floor has the most gourgeous women you'll ever find.
The second floor says: "This floor has absolutely gorgeous women and they are all incredible in the bedroom.
The 4 remaining floors are yet to be visited".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e84nas/a_long_time_ago_i_read_this_joke_i_found_so_good/
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Why could the vet not save the hyperactive goat?

Because the goat was bleating out too fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e84mhb/why_could_the_vet_not_save_the_hyperactive_goat/
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A long-haired youth was hitchhiking...

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me? "
"Ask you what?" Replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy or a girl." Answered the youth.
"Don't matter," replied the trucker.  "Gonna fuck ya anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e84jlq/a_longhaired_youth_was_hitchhiking/
%
Why don't the Clintons like Jehovah's Witnesses?

The Clintons don't like ANY witn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e84af5/why_dont_the_clintons_like_jehovahs_witnesses/
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What do you call deer in space?

Star bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e8464r/what_do_you_call_deer_in_space/
%
I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!

Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e840yl/i_was_asked_to_go_out_by_4_girls_today/
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Once upon a time...

So there's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power too, and the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.
The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have.  The first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire.  The second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own.  The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.
The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.
In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.
The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up.
In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.
And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e83wt8/once_upon_a_time/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e83v2q/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e83u5f/its_a_five_minute_walk_from_my_house_to_the_pub/
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Why did the transphobic subreddit split in two?

It was the outcome of a TERF war.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e83tem/why_did_the_transphobic_subreddit_split_in_two/
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My mom has been giving me tons of these kinds of jokes, here goes

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken-tender!
Whenever I tell her I'm gonna put them on reddit she gets so excited, so I'm gonna keep posting them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e83rby/my_mom_has_been_giving_me_tons_of_these_kinds_of/
%
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e83i6x/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_at/
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What is a whore?

8 year old son asks his dad, “what is a whore?” The dad always promised himself, he would never shelter his kids, so he reluctantly explains what a whore is. The kid says, “well then, what is a sopen sleigh?” The dad is confused, “A what?” The kid says, “You know, like in the song, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to ride in a ONE WHORE SOPEN SLEIGH”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e83gi1/what_is_a_whore/
%
Shout out to all the people

who don't know the opposite of "in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e83bc4/shout_out_to_all_the_people/
%
What do you call a philosopher that can fight?

Kung fucious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e839i3/what_do_you_call_a_philosopher_that_can_fight/
%
Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.
"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in.  Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.
"Well we've got three shipments that all need taken up north to Pepper’s Corner Market," says Flower, "Asparagus, Brussels sprouts, and Artichokes."
"I'll take the Artichokes!" Tom says as he walks in the room, late as usual, happily walking past the other two. The Artichokes would be the heaviest so he would get paid slightly more for the same trip.
Brock and Ollie often argued over the produce and then Tom would hear his cue, come bursting through the door, and take the best choice.
Brock and Ollie sigh in unison, they were hoping he wouldn’t turn up.
"Fine I'll take the sprouts," Ollie concedes and they all head off.
\---
"Man, that Tom Gordon is the worst human being," Brock says over the radio to Ollie.
"I know," Ollie agrees, “he always takes the good shipment. Wish he’d let us have it for once.”
“I’m thinking of getting a new truck here pretty soon,” Brock said, “Probably get a heavier one so I can haul more.  This one’s in good shape, figure I can sell her easy enough.”
“Definitely won’t be able to keep up with me then,” Ollie challenges his friend, “not that you can now.”
“Hey I don’t care, it runs fine just doesn’t have much room,” Brock answers, “plus I bet I can beat you as it is.”
They drive for about an hour before Ollie gets a call from Ava.
“Well Brock,” Ollie radios to his friend, “I guess I won’t beat you this time.  I just got a call from Mrs. Kahto and she wants me to go give Tom a tow.  Guess he’s stuck on the side of the road somewhere.”
“Leave him there,” Brock says impatiently.
“I wish I could. Why am I the one that has to get him?”
\---
Ollie pulls up behind Tom and gets out to find him standing near his back right tire.
“Got a flat huh?” Ollie asks him seeing the tire squashed against the ground.
“Yeah,” says Tom, “Thanks for coming to get me. Damn thing always leaks.”
“Well you know, that’s what you get for always taking the heavy shipments,” Ollie says nicely enough.
Tom looks at his flat tire regretfully.
“I know,” he mutters, “I should have brought asparagus.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e831yu/two_long_time_friends_ollie_and_brock_woke_up/
%
A man walks up to the front desk of a psychiatric facility and strikes up a conversation with the psychiatrist there...

The man asks the psychiatrist, “how do you choose who is admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist explains, "we fill a bathtub with water and give people a straw, a teaspoon, a glass, and a bucket. Then we tell them to empty the bathtub.”
The man chuckles to himself and beams at the psychiatrist. "Naturally, the sane people take the bucket, right?"
The psychiatrist replies, "Actually, the sane people pull the plug and drain the water. Would you like a room with a window view or without?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e82y00/a_man_walks_up_to_the_front_desk_of_a_psychiatric/
%
I was at a funeral service the other day and didn't have any cell service...

So, I marched down the aisle to the front and gave the priest a friendly ol' pat on the shoulder. "Hey buddy, do you by any chance know the Wi-Fi password about these parts?"
The priest, bewildered, gave me a look of disgust and hissed, "show some respect."
"All lowercase?" I asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e82s2t/i_was_at_a_funeral_service_the_other_day_and/
%
After my breakup I moved into a new place and bought a dalmatian. Every day I took that dog for a walk past our old place and, day after day, I trained him to pee in her flowerbed and take a dump on her lawn. . .

It was a classic case of Spot Marks the Ex!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e82np4/after_my_breakup_i_moved_into_a_new_place_and/
%
My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia

But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e82k7v/my_teacher_told_me_i_would_never_be_good_at/
%
I went to a job interview...

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, 'We’re looking for someone who is responsible.'
'Well, I’m your man', I replied, 'In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e82h8v/i_went_to_a_job_interview/
%
So three guys are hanging out in their basement,

The first guys says, "Hey, I have a pretty small head, I reckon I have the smallest head."
The second guy goes, "I've got a pretty small nose, I think I may have the smallest nose."
The third guy says, "You know, I think I have the smallest dick."
So the next morning all three of them go visit the Guinness World Records Office.
The first guy comes out and says, "Hey I've got the worlds smallest head!" He waves his little paper around.
The second guy comes out and says, "Hey I've got the worlds smallest nose!" He also waves around his little piece of paper.
The third guy comes out and says, "Who the fuck is u/GallowBoob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e82esq/so_three_guys_are_hanging_out_in_their_basement/
%
Did you hear In-N-Out is expanding up north?

They're going to call it In-N-Oot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e82c8j/did_you_hear_innout_is_expanding_up_north/
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STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

**ME:** Yeah, he's interbred
**DUCK: [waddles up]** I'll tell you who else is into bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e81seu/stranger_your_dog_is_unusual_looking/
%
My dad had a rule that if we farted in the car we had to pay him 10 dollars out of our $100 monthly allowance.

He always got his ten per scent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e81pd5/my_dad_had_a_rule_that_if_we_farted_in_the_car_we/
%
Matter cannot be created or destroyed

nor can it be returned without a receipt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e81ocz/matter_cannot_be_created_or_destroyed/
%
Welcome to Chicago!

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then, one night while watching Fox News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!", the Coach said. “He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you,” the old woman says." You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never ever forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e81mmp/welcome_to_chicago/
%
What crime is punishable by death in the kingdom of trees?

Treeson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e81bgh/what_crime_is_punishable_by_death_in_the_kingdom/
%
What do you call a military officer who knows everything about anything?

General Knowledge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e81bef/what_do_you_call_a_military_officer_who_knows/
%
I have a trash can fetish

My wet dreams are fucking garbage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e816b3/i_have_a_trash_can_fetish/
%
Pooping jokes aren’t my favorite

But they’re a solid No. 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e80r4k/pooping_jokes_arent_my_favorite/
%
arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said...

...I still love vista baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e80oek/arnold_schwarzenegger_was_asked_to_update_his/
%
I walked into the liquor store, and an employee asked me, “Do you need any help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’ll get whiskey instead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e80hd2/i_walked_into_the_liquor_store_and_an_employee/
%
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e80g7z/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
%
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife & said “ she’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

I said if you think she’s beautiful, you should see my missus mate “
He said “Why? Is she a stunner ?”
I said “No, she’s an optician !”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e80ct7/the_guy_sat_next_to_me_on_the_train_pulled_out_a/
%
I’m going to give my boss a sweater and a dildo for Christmas

That way if she doesn’t like the sweater she can go fuck herself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e807oq/im_going_to_give_my_boss_a_sweater_and_a_dildo/
%
Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window

"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger
"Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e807kh/passenger_taps_his_cab_driver_on_the_shoulder_the/
%
What do you call Christopher Reeves’ opposite?

Christopher Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e804h0/what_do_you_call_christopher_reeves_opposite/
%
What’s the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhoea?

One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e800e3/whats_the_difference_between_a_corn_farmer_with/
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Yo, I'm your DJ, erectile dysfunction

I'm going to make sure you all go hard, even though I can't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7zydl/yo_im_your_dj_erectile_dysfunction/
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Women Only

**The Women Only Hotel**
A group of women went on holiday, the see a five-storey hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only".
Since they are there without their boyfriends the go in. The Doorman, a very attractive man explains to them how it works .....
"We have Five floors ...... go up floor by floor and once you find what you're looking for you can stay there, it's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside".
**First floor**, the sign reads "All men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind". ....... the friends laugh, and without hesitation they move to the next floor.
**Second floor**, the sign reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat their women badly". ...  clearly this wasn't going to do, so they move to the third floor.
**Third Floor**, the sign reads "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to their women" ........ this was good, but there was two more floors, so on they went.
**Fourth Floor**, the sign was perfect it reads "All the men have perfect builds, are sensitive and attentive to their women, are perfect lovers are also single, rich and straight".
The Women seemed pleased but they decided that they would rather see what was on the fifth floor before they settle on the fourth.
*When they reached the Fifth Floor, there is a sign that reads "There are no men here, this floor was only built to prove that there is no way to please a woman"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7zxpw/women_only/
%
What kind of ghost haunts a KFC?

A Poultrygeist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7zluz/what_kind_of_ghost_haunts_a_kfc/
%
Why doesn't Mike Pence sing Christmas songs?

It might make the Yuletide gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7zkg4/why_doesnt_mike_pence_sing_christmas_songs/
%
My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, Ill bring my MP5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7zgtu/my_bullies_broke_my_mp3player_at_school_luckily/
%
What do you call an erection you get during a funeral

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7zd9q/what_do_you_call_an_erection_you_get_during_a/
%
Paddy and Mick standing in a field

Paddy: “Hey look! there’s a flock of cows”
Mick: “Herd”
Paddy: “What?”
Mick: “Herd of cows”
Paddy: “Of course I’ve heard of cows! There’s a flock of them over there!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7zbfm/paddy_and_mick_standing_in_a_field/
%
What do you call a bodybuilding fish?

Hunky-Dory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7zb72/what_do_you_call_a_bodybuilding_fish/
%
Do you think it's odd that one of my testicles is larger than

the other two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7z91x/do_you_think_its_odd_that_one_of_my_testicles_is/
%
2 Nuns and a condom

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said, "I've found a marvellous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could get some of these condoms. The second nun said, "You get them at the drug store, Sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."
The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter.
"Good morning sister," said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?"
"I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like -- there are 12 to a box." "I'll take six boxes that should last about a week" said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this
time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like-we have large, extra large, and big liar size."
The sister thought for a minute, and finally said: "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?
He fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7yt3y/2_nuns_and_a_condom/
%
When I enrolled in college, the admissions counselor asked me if I was interested in studying abroad.

I told him I was interested in studying lots of broads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7yg7n/when_i_enrolled_in_college_the_admissions/
%
Cashier: do you want cash back?

Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's Ring of Fire, I Walk The Line. Let's not forget his Christmas album

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7yclb/cashier_do_you_want_cash_back/
%
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?

Husband: To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7yb1m/therapist_your_wife_says_you_never_buy_her/
%
What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hare  line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7xm95/what_do_you_call_a_line_of_rabbits_marching/
%
3 men are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them

So they throw one overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7xlhi/3_men_are_on_a_boat_with_4_cigarettes_and_no_way/
%
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

A roamin' Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7xk43/what_do_you_call_a_nun_who_walks_in_her_sleep/
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The new sex position is called Brexit:

It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7xjad/the_new_sex_position_is_called_brexit/
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A Roman walked into a bar

and said, "I'll have a martinus." The bartender said "You mean martini?" and the Roman said, "No, I'm just having one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7x73u/a_roman_walked_into_a_bar/
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"Today I saw a homeless man living in a tire"

So I did a good deed and popped it.
"How is that a good deed?"
"Well he's now living in a flat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7x5s8/today_i_saw_a_homeless_man_living_in_a_tire/
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So my friend Sam got a job with a large oil company to work in oil fields in the Middle East.

Once he got to his site, he found he was 35km from the nearest town, no one had a personal vehicle, and the crew was 100% men. All was well for a month or two, but Sam was getting very sexually frustrated. He asked another crew member what they did when they were so horny, and the guy gestures to the camels that were kept nearby, and said that’s what the camels were for. My friend was horrified and would not listen to the other crew member describe just how the camels were used. Another few weeks went by, and Sam began really looking at the camels. Most were smelly and huge, but there was one smaller female that caught his eye. She seemed cleaner, very docile, and had these long eyelashes, with a bit of a coquettish look to her face. Another couple of weeks, and Sam found himself spending quite a bit of his off time grooming and, well, fondling this sweet girl. One night the pent up frustration and easy availability of the camels finally convinced him it would not only be ok, but could actually be a beautiful, mind blowing experience. He brought a short ladder, and led the lovely young lady away from the pack, whispered to her was gonna treat her right, and set up his ladder. But as he began his foreplay, just a little tease with his fingers and hand, she bit, kicked, stomped on him and ran off. When the other guys heard the ruckus, they came running to find my friend, heart broken, bleeding and in shock at the rejection.  He asked the crew what he did wrong, and they said, “well, when we get frustrated, we usually just ride the camels to town.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7wqwy/so_my_friend_sam_got_a_job_with_a_large_oil/
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The youngest male member of a Desi Family is called 'Babu'. The oldest is called 'Babuji'.

It takes a lifetime for men to reach that ji spot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7wpdx/the_youngest_male_member_of_a_desi_family_is/
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How does a duck fart?

With his ass-quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7wmsw/how_does_a_duck_fart/
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What do you call the alcoholic knight of the round table

Cirrhosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7wjpw/what_do_you_call_the_alcoholic_knight_of_the/
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Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7wje6/dark_humor_is_like_cancer/
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My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she's homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7wenj/my_tinder_match_said_shed_talk_to_me_again_when/
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My grandfather's favourite joke

First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off.
Rest in peace grampie. You'll never be forgotten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7w7cm/my_grandfathers_favourite_joke/
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A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open.

The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices one day that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "but what about the $1,000?"
He replied “Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7w72s/a_young_couple_gets_married_and_the_groom_asks/
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A Red Shirt and a Storm Trooper get in a Fire Fight in a Hallway...

The Storm trooper misses every shot, but the Red shirt still dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7w3t7/a_red_shirt_and_a_storm_trooper_get_in_a_fire/
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What do you ask your crying sister?

"Are you having a crisis?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7w2ys/what_do_you_ask_your_crying_sister/
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Wife: Honey I want to have a kid...

Husband: Uh oh... I had a vasectomy
W: I guess I’m leaving you then.
H: (desperately) but wait! Maybe if we try really hard and really often, we could still have kids!
W: you can try all you want, but it's not going to make a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7vwj6/wife_honey_i_want_to_have_a_kid/
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A man was walking along a beach in California when he stumbled across an old lamp.

As he rubbed it, a genie popped out and granted him a wish.
‘Let me see,’ said the guy. ‘I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared of flying and get seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can go there on vacation?’
The genie scratched his head. ‘A bridge from California to Hawaii? That’s an impossible engineering feat. For a start, how would the bridge supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Then there’s all the concrete and steel that would be needed. No, it can’t be done. Sorry, you’ll have to think of another wish.’
The guy thought for a few moments. ‘Well, I’ve been divorced three times, and I guess I just don’t understand women. They say I’m not sensitive enough or appreciative of their needs. But I can never read their minds and work out what makes them happy. Could you make me understand women?’
The genie said: ‘You want that bridge two lanes or four?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7vumq/a_man_was_walking_along_a_beach_in_california/
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A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.

But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.
The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: ‘I don't get it. How did that guy walk out with those two when I can't even get a phone number?’
‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows . . .’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7vocv/a_good_looking_man_walked_into_a_singles_bar/
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The past, the present and the future walk into a bar

It was tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7vlhv/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
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A politician walks into a small town...

An election campaign politician visits a small town and asks the mayor what problems do they have. He replies that they have two problems. The first one is that they have a hospital but they don't have a doctor.
The politician takes out his mobile phone, makes a call and discusses for a while on the phone, to finally tell the mayor:
\- Your problem is already solved. Tomorrow morning a doctor will come to your town. What is the second problem?
\- We don't have mobile coverage - replies the mayor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7vja5/a_politician_walks_into_a_small_town/
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What did one math book say to the other?

I’ve got problems.
My 8 year old told me this one today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7vell/what_did_one_math_book_say_to_the_other/
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There are 3 types of people in this world.

Those who are good at math.
And those who aren’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7vdru/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?

Also why is water so fuckin scary?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7vbgm/how_can_you_tell_if_the_bat_that_bit_you_had/
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A woman had 100 children

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.
But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole life and even had a few kids of her own.
One day when the kids were out playing in the park they found an abandoned puppy. They decided to take it with them. Knowing their mother would not approve of it, they named it 'This' so that they can talk about it in front of their mom, without her knowing. They would say 'Let's take This outside' and things like that.
One day while the kids weren't paying attention, This ran out of the house and gets hit by a car. This eventually dies but the kids don't tell anyone. No one knew or remembered This.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7v9vc/a_woman_had_100_children/
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Wrong Prescription!

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7v62c/wrong_prescription/
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A guy tells me that black holes aren't frightening

But I don't think he understands the gravity of the situation here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7v2go/a_guy_tells_me_that_black_holes_arent_frightening/
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Communism is like tax evasion

At first it seems great, but at the end of the day you‘re going to have government agents knocking at your door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7uz4p/communism_is_like_tax_evasion/
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

I M LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7uyob/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_and_500/
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My grandad always used to say "as one door closes, another opens".

A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7utok/my_grandad_always_used_to_say_as_one_door_closes/
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A teacher asks her students to answer some quick math questions.

Teacher: Alright class, I want you to shout out the answers to me as soon as you know it, ready? What's 5x2?
Mohamed: 10!
Teacher: Very good Mohamed! That was very quick! Now who can tell me what's 5+4?
Mohamed: 9!
Teacher: Excellent! Mohamed is on a roll here class! See if anyone can do better! Now what's 5x4?
Mohamed: 8!
Teacher: Everybody RUNNNNN!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7usi8/a_teacher_asks_her_students_to_answer_some_quick/
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How many syllables does the word gloria have?

Christians: 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7upo5/how_many_syllables_does_the_word_gloria_have/
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No good genie

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7ui9g/no_good_genie/
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Boss tells his junior exec to go on a business trip.

"I need you to visit a client in Green Bay, Wisconsin."
"Green Bay?  I hate that place!  The only things that ever come out of Green Bay are football players and whores."
"My wife is from Green Bay."
"Oh?  What position does she play?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7ubko/boss_tells_his_junior_exec_to_go_on_a_business/
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A man starts a new job on a construction site.

The site is 500 miles away from anybody else but it pays good so he's happy to start. On his first day the foreman is showing him around the job site. Where he will be working, sleeping, and everything else.
While on tour, the man notices a line of men waiting to go behind a wooden fence. The man asks about it and the foreman explains that there isn't a woman within 500 miles and if he gets horny to go stick his dick in the hole that's in the barrel back behind the fence.
After about the third day on the job site, that barrel started sounding tempting. After work, he stood in line, went behind the fence, and stuck his dick in the hole in the barrel. It was like heaven to him. It was the best he had ever felt. After that you couldn't keep this man from standing in line to go behind the fence.
One morning, the man gets his tools and starts walking to his work site and the foreman yells to him, "You don't need your tools! It's your turn inside the barrel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7u3fi/a_man_starts_a_new_job_on_a_construction_site/
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I believed my vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant.

Apparently, it only changes the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7tshw/i_believed_my_vasectomy_would_prevent_my_wife/
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My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a horse race announcer.

“And they’re off..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7trjm/my_wife_and_kids_are_leaving_me_because_of_my/
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I have always loved animals,

Specifically chicken tenders, beef stroganoff, pork chops, and ribeye steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7trfd/i_have_always_loved_animals/
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How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?

"you mean a choir?"
Fine... How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7todm/how_much_does_it_cost_to_buy_a_large_singing_group/
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What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out of the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7tlm8/what_did_mrs_claus_say_to_santa_when_she_looked/
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My grandad said us teenagers rely to much on technology

So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7tkd5/my_grandad_said_us_teenagers_rely_to_much_on/
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I made up a joke about the birth of a child....

I'm working on the delivery!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7th2k/i_made_up_a_joke_about_the_birth_of_a_child/
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A patient rushes to a hospital.

Patient: NURSE I NEED A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!!! I'M HAVING A HUGE ISSUE RIGHT NOW.
The nurse sees the distress in the patients eyes and calls over the doctor.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Patient: I don't know doc. I woke up this morning and I'm half deaf. I only hear half of everything.
Doctor: I'm sorry but that's not possible. It is just not possible to hear half of everything.
Patient: No doc, I'm serious. I only hear half of everything.
Doctor: Ok. We can check this out then. Repeat after me: fourty four
Patient: Twenty two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7t9ia/a_patient_rushes_to_a_hospital/
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7t4ev/my_grandmother_is_over_eighty_and_still_doesnt/
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Three married businessmen meet for their annual camping trip.

As they see each other only this time of the year, they have a lot to talk about. On their last day in the woods, the men decide to go for a little walk. Suddenly, they hear someone whimper. They follow the noise to a well and with combined efforts, they rescue a little fairy from its ground.
‚Thank you very much, you saved my life! As a reward, I‘ll grant each of you kind men a wish. Since I am no ordinary fairy but the douchebag fairy, the wishes will come with some twist though: You can‘t tell anybody what you wished for until one year has passed or you‘ll die. Also, your wives will get double the amount you‘ve wished for. Go on, think about your wishes and they will come true tomorrow!‘
With a big poof the fairy is gone. Slightly shocked and irritated by this strange encounter, the businessmen decide to go home early and meet again a year from now.
Time passes and a year later the men meet again: Two of them wear old, shabby rags while the third is covered in expensive designer clothes. The latter asks: ‚Holy mother, what has happened to you two?‘
,Well, I wished for a big yacht and my wife got a yacht twice as big. There, she was host of a ton of parties. During one of them, she met her new partner, a divorce attorney. Together, they bled me dry. I had to sell everything I ever owned.‘
The other one replies: ‚I‘ve wished for a million dollars. With her money, my wife decided to follow advices on r/wallstreetbets. It took all my money to pay her debts. Then, she left me because I was poor. But now, you tell us what you‘ve wished for. You look great!‘
The man with the designer clothes grins and says: ‚My wish was quite simple: Beat me half dead.‘

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7t0kl/three_married_businessmen_meet_for_their_annual/
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I can't believe people expect me to know what I will be doing next month

Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7t01k/i_cant_believe_people_expect_me_to_know_what_i/
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Dad, what is a firefighter's least favourite letter?

Dad: R, son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7swz3/dad_what_is_a_firefighters_least_favourite_letter/
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How do witches write ?

in Cursive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7svij/how_do_witches_write/
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I decided to stop masturbating

Since then I have really not felt myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7sip4/i_decided_to_stop_masturbating/
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals ?

Philippe philoppe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7sgxf/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
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Which of Sir Arthur’s knights built the round table?

Sir Cumference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7sgof/which_of_sir_arthurs_knights_built_the_round_table/
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I never cook with ginger these days...

I prefer soul food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7semz/i_never_cook_with_ginger_these_days/
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A Man calls his Friend.

Man: Would you like a riddle?
Friend: Ok, shoot.
Man: Who has a small dick, and hangs down?
Friend: I dunno.
Man: A bat. Alright, would you like another one?
Friend: Sure.
Man: Who has a big dick and hangs up?
Friend: I dunno again.
*Click*
>!Explanation:!<
>! The man hung up. !<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7s2sq/a_man_calls_his_friend/
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Why did the orange lose the race?

because it got Im-peached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7ryy0/why_did_the_orange_lose_the_race/
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The bus.

The bus leaves the stop, the man behind it who is rushing towards it to catch it, stumbles and falls, gets up, starts running again, falls again. So many times in a row. People on the bus look at the bull and are choking with laughter.
One girl puts her head out the window and yells, "If you stumble again, we'll all pee here!"
The man behind the bus replies, "You all are going to shit too, because I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7rtwn/the_bus/
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I was going fishing with an American friend of mine.

I asked him if he was going to bring his gun.
- No, why would I? - he answered.
- So, schools of fish don't count?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7rpvl/i_was_going_fishing_with_an_american_friend_of/
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice.

I don't know if I'm coming or going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7rpn8/im_taking_viagra_and_drinking_prune_juice/
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My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10.

The other 2 guys jumped clear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7rmaf/my_wife_had_her_drivers_test_the_other_day_she/
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I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution

She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7rici/i_asked_this_hot_girl_her_new_years_resolution/
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(NSFW) Have you ever head sex in a camping site?

It's fucking in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7rgzs/nsfw_have_you_ever_head_sex_in_a_camping_site/
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A neutron walks into a bar

And asks bartender "how much for the beer?" And the bartender says "no charge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7rg6r/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
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Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7r949/tinder_is_the_opposite_of_porn_ads/
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A plane has engine failure and starts to go down.

A White woman jumps out of her seat and grabs her bag and starts putting on all her make-up.  When people asked what the hell she is doing. She said, "when planes crash, they find the pretty women first!"
A Mexican woman hears that and jumps out of her seat. She grabs her bag and starts putting on all the gold and diamond jewlery she has. When people asked what the hell she was doing. She said, "When planes crash, they find the rich women first!"
A Black woman immediately jumps out of her seat and starts stripping. She gets completely naked and when people asked what she was doing, she said, "When planes crash, they always find the black box first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7r5wj/a_plane_has_engine_failure_and_starts_to_go_down/
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My son came up with this one...

I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7qwx4/my_son_came_up_with_this_one/
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You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right?

It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
But have you heard of Cole’s law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7qu52/youve_heard_of_murphys_law_right/
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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.
The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"
The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his glass eye and bites down on it.
Laughing, the man sees that the bartender is upset about losing his money, so he offers him a chance to win it back. "Double or nothin' says I can bite my other eye."
The bartender thinks it over. He knows he was just tricked out of $50 but he also knows that this man can't possibly have two glass eyes, so he pulls another $50 from the register and accepts the man's bet.
The man promptly takes out his false teeth and gently closes them around his other eye.
Now the bartender is visibly angry to have been had for $100, and the man's laughter isn't helping. Just before he throws him out of his bar, the man puts his hand up.
"Real sorry about that, pal. I get people with that bit all the time, but you've been a good sport, so I'll give you another chance to win some cash. I've got... $500 that says if you slide a shot glass down the bar top, I can run alongside of it and piss into the glass without missing a drop. This is kinda hard for me to do, though, so I think it's fair if you give me two chances at it."
The bartender, eager to win his money back from the man, thinks to himself and realizes just how hard it would be for this man to piss into a shot glass while running at full speed. Especially knowing he only has one eye to line up his shot. After a minute of deliberation, he willingly accepts the bet.
The man drops his pants to his ankles and when the bartender puts the shot glass down on the counter, shouts a resounding, "Go!" prompting the bartender to slide it along the bar top.
The man chases after it, holding his dick at an angle to properly aim it. However, pissing while running at full speed isn't easy, so he only manages to get a couple of drops in the glass by the time it reaches the other end.
Catching his breath, the man reminds the bartender he has a second try, and that the first was simply to get his bearings straight. Once again, he shouts, "Go!" giving the bartender his cue to send the shot glass back down the bar.
Once again, the man chases wildly after it, spraying piss all over the bar top, stools, floor, and even hitting some of the bottles of liquor behind the bar. However, not one drop of urine found it's way into the shot glass.
Head hanging low, he hands the bartender $500, to which the bartender gleefully accepted, jumping up and down in joy and cheering in victory at the cash he had just made.
All of a sudden, a man in the back of the bar slams his fist hard against his table and screams "Fuck!" at the top of his lungs.
The bartender mutters aloud, "I wonder what his problem is."
To which the man replies, "Oh, I just bet that guy $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be so happy about it you jumped up and down with joy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7qt6p/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Normally I don't post this kind of stuff but on a serious note

If anybody knows of a lonely old person who will be eating Christmas dinner alone, maybe they have no family or close friends etc then please let me know... I need to borrow a few extra chairs
Jokes not mine found it on the internet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7qsij/normally_i_dont_post_this_kind_of_stuff_but_on_a/
%
I dont know why but when I adjusted my sleeping position

Everyone at the cremetory freaked out.
Man, they ruined a good sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7qomi/i_dont_know_why_but_when_i_adjusted_my_sleeping/
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What do you do when a dumb person throws a grenade at you?

Pull out the pin and throw it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7qg86/what_do_you_do_when_a_dumb_person_throws_a/
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What is something you can say at JFK's assassination and during sex?

So no head?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7pzw7/what_is_something_you_can_say_at_jfks/
%
How is doing sexual favors for drugs like a boxing match?

They're both blow for blow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7psln/how_is_doing_sexual_favors_for_drugs_like_a/
%
Two snowmen are talking to each other.

One says, “ Why is it that wherever I go, I always smell carrots?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7pr94/two_snowmen_are_talking_to_each_other/
%
There is a Jewish man that works at a local coffee shop near me...

...Hebrews better than anyone else in my town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7pnoi/there_is_a_jewish_man_that_works_at_a_local/
%
What did the Doctor call Napoleon when he broke a bone?

Napoleon Bone-apart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7ogau/what_did_the_doctor_call_napoleon_when_he_broke_a/
%
It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7oahi/it_would_be_confusing_to_be_a_chess_player_in/
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This is a bit of a stiff one...

Roses are red
Nuts are brown
Skirts go up
Pants go down
Body to body
Skin to skin
When its stiff
Stick it in
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry
And comes out wet
It comes out dripping
And starts to sag
Its not what you think......
Its a Teabag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7o8vn/this_is_a_bit_of_a_stiff_one/
%
What color can stop any argument?

Agreen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7o7q3/what_color_can_stop_any_argument/
%
My mother in law just got Reddit

I want to take this opportunity to let her know how much I truly love and appreciate all she does for me and my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7nzik/my_mother_in_law_just_got_reddit/
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A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.
He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Florida, decides to get some ice cream to cool himself down.
He finds a nice ice cream shop and orders a large vanilla cone, and enjoys it. However, he is a messy eater, and there is vanilla ice cream all over his face.
It’s been several hours at this point, so the penguin goes back to the mechanic to check on his car.
The mechanic, still working on the car, looks up at the penguin, and says, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
The penguin replies, “Oh no, it’s just ice cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7nokk/a_penguins_car_breaks_down_in_a_florida_town_nsfw/
%
How does a Jewish person make tea?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7n6kp/how_does_a_jewish_person_make_tea/
%
A psychic midget just broke out of prison.

He's a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7n4v2/a_psychic_midget_just_broke_out_of_prison/
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Where did Dr. Pepper get his M.D from?

University of Minnesoda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7mym9/where_did_dr_pepper_get_his_md_from/
%
The wife.

So a man is sitting in bed with his wife when he looks at her and says “I bet you can’t say anything that would make me happy and sad at the same time” to which his wife respondes “you have the biggest penis out of all your friends”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7mtxk/the_wife/
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What is the difference between reddit and a homeplate umpire?

One pitches lefty views, and the other views lefty pitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7mtga/what_is_the_difference_between_reddit_and_a/
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Tarmac

A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and says"I'll fight anyone in here! Who wants a fight?"But nobody replies, so the piece of black tarmac sits down at the table.Then, a piece of red tarmac walks into a bar and says"I'll fight anyone, anyone at all! Who wants a beating?"The piece of black tarmac stays absolutely silent, sipping on a martini he just ordered.The piece of red tarmac sits down at a different table.The barman goes up to the piece of black tarmac, and says"Why didn't you say anything? I thought you wanted a fight?The piece of black tarmac replies"I wouldn't mess with him, he's a cyclepath."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7msoe/tarmac/
%
Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7mpms/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
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Has anyone seen the 1985 film Orion's Belt?

It wasn't that great, I give it 3 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7moky/has_anyone_seen_the_1985_film_orions_belt/
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A shark ate a girl that had dandruff.

How did they know?
They found her head and shoulders on the beach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7mn0a/a_shark_ate_a_girl_that_had_dandruff/
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Why does Jesus like Swiss cheese?

It is the holiest of cheeses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7mf1i/why_does_jesus_like_swiss_cheese/
%
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7md96/yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_spill_all_his_scrabble/
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When self driving vehicles become mainstream,

it's only a matter of time before there's a country song about a guy whose truck left him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7mctd/when_self_driving_vehicles_become_mainstream/
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Heard a rumour from Jack Blacks ex that he could hold a boner for 12 hours

That's some Tenacious D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7m61u/heard_a_rumour_from_jack_blacks_ex_that_he_could/
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How do you know if a hooker is from Alabama?

She offers a friends and family discount

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7m540/how_do_you_know_if_a_hooker_is_from_alabama/
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Apparently the Ronald Reagan library is burning at both ends.

But instead of fighting it directly, they should put out fires nearby and hope the water trickles down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7m2p8/apparently_the_ronald_reagan_library_is_burning/
%
If you waterboard someone but use snow

is it snowboarding?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7m03z/if_you_waterboard_someone_but_use_snow/
%
A man and his girlfriend check into a hotel.

“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with hearing devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.
“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.
The girl insists, so he starts to search the room. He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains. When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc.
“Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscrews the disc from the floor.
The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room.
“You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing.
Angry and confused, the man asks “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?!”
The clerk replies “Well, on the floor below you, the entire chandelier came down.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7lwa7/a_man_and_his_girlfriend_check_into_a_hotel/
%
I used to eat a lot of natural foods,

until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7lw45/i_used_to_eat_a_lot_of_natural_foods/
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3 men are off to prison, and they can each bring one item with them

The first mentions his carton of cigarettes. Not only can he smoke it, but he can trade it too.
The second mentions deck of cards. It has always helped him pass the time, and jail is definitely no exception.
The two guys look at the third, who is just quietly staring off into the distance and ask him, "well, what did you bring?"
The third man shows them a box of tampons.
"What the hell are you gonna do with a box of tampons!?"
"Well, according to the label, I can use it to go swimming, horseback riding, wear any color outfit I want..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7ltt2/3_men_are_off_to_prison_and_they_can_each_bring/
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Religion is like a movie

The Torah is the first one, the New Testament is the sequel.  The Qur'an is a reboot of the second - there's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore.
* Jews like the first movie, but ignore the sequels.
* Christians like the first two, but the third doesn't count.
* Muslims think the 3rd is best and some will fight anyone who says otherwise.
* Mormons liked the 2nd so much they started writing fan-fiction that doesn't fit in with ANY of the three.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7lhlg/religion_is_like_a_movie/
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What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

Putting her back in the wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7lhh2/whats_the_hardest_part_about_eating_a_vegetable/
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I once saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7lhg8/i_once_saw_a_dwarf_climbing_down_a_prison_wall/
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What do assholes major in?

Analytics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7kzbi/what_do_assholes_major_in/
%
Doctors And Attorneys

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One
sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle
seat. Just before takeoff, a physician got on and
took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The
doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the attorney in the window seat
said, "I think I'll get up and grab a Coke."
"No problem," said the doctor, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the
doctor's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with
the Coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good.
I think I'll have one too."
Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it,
and while he was gone the other attorney picked up
the other shoe and spat in it.
The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed
the flight. As the plane was landing, the physician
slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately
what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting
between our professions? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7kxrk/doctors_and_attorneys/
%
A girl goes out surfing but does not return home...

...sick with worry, her parents ask for help and the lifeguard service heads out to find her. Soon, the parents are informed over the phone by an excited lifeguard. "We have bad news, good news, and really good news!" The parent's tears are instantly dried and smiles spread across their faces but also still some dread remains from the bad news. "The bad news is your daughter drowned, the good news is when we pulled her body from the water a dozen lobsters and 3 tunas were clinging onto her corpse, and the really good news is we're pulling her up again tomorrow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7kpyf/a_girl_goes_out_surfing_but_does_not_return_home/
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What do you call a truckload of dildos?

Toys for twats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7kppv/what_do_you_call_a_truckload_of_dildos/
%
What did the trafic light say to the car?

Don't look, I'm about to change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7kne8/what_did_the_trafic_light_say_to_the_car/
%
Why do females make the best archaeologists?

Because they absolutely love digging up everything that has happened in the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7k4wn/why_do_females_make_the_best_archaeologists/
%
I suffer from a heart disease that only afflicts liars.

IFib

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7ju8q/i_suffer_from_a_heart_disease_that_only_afflicts/
%
If you punch yourself and it hurts, are you strong or weak?

Neither, you're an idiot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7jlcz/if_you_punch_yourself_and_it_hurts_are_you_strong/
%
A Hindu, Jewish Rabbi, and Mormon Evangelist are lost.

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.
"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.
The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.
"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me."
"No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings."
"I will go then, friends," says the Mormon, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door.
It's the cow and the pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7jh3x/a_hindu_jewish_rabbi_and_mormon_evangelist_are/
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I asked the local homeless guy what he thought of the rubbish collectors in this city.

He said, "They leave a lot to be desired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7jd7e/i_asked_the_local_homeless_guy_what_he_thought_of/
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A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road...

A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road, when two young woman walk past. One of them spots him, so she says to her friend:
“I wonder if it’s true what they say about Scots not wearing anything underneath their kilts?”
The other one is curious too, so after making sure the Scotsman won’t wake up, they raise his kilt and take a look. And low and behold, he is completely naked.
After their curiosity fades, one says to the other:
“We should leave him a present so that way when he wakes up, he’ll be happy.”
So she takes a blue ribbon from her hair and ties it around his private parts into a bow.
A few hours later when the Scotsman wakes up, he feels the need for a piss. So he goes behind a tree, pulls up his kilt, looks down and says:
“Weel, A dinna ken where ye’ve been mate, but ye’ve won first prize.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7jb3h/a_drunk_scotsman_fell_asleep_at_the_side_of_the/
%
What did one hat say to another?

You stay here, I will go on a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7j04c/what_did_one_hat_say_to_another/
%
A rabbit and a lion once got into an argument...

Once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7iwnn/a_rabbit_and_a_lion_once_got_into_an_argument/
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Did you hear about the short-sighted circumcisionist?

He got the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7iul5/did_you_hear_about_the_shortsighted/
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My girlfriend told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo

That's when I really had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7irrt/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_had_to_stop_impersonating/
%
Trump: The less immigrants we let in, the better

Pence: The fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don’t call me that in public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7ipjo/trump_the_less_immigrants_we_let_in_the_better/
%
I decided to sell my vaccum cleaner

It was just gathering dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7imn5/i_decided_to_sell_my_vaccum_cleaner/
%
Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.

So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’
‘A cock,’ she replied.
Disappointed by her vulgar response, he decided she was not the girl for him.
Two weeks later he met another fine upstanding church girl and resolved to put her to the same test. So when he took her home, he whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’
‘A cock,’ she answered.
Deeply dejected, he concluded that she, too, failed to meet his requirements.
Two weeks later, he met another sweet girl and invited her home. He whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’
She giggled and said: ‘A pee-pee.’
That was exactly the sort of innocent answer he was looking for, and the pair began dating. Soon they married and settled down to enjoy their life together. But whenever she saw him naked, she giggled and said: ‘That’s your pee-pee.’ Whilst he found it endearing at first, it eventually began to grate a little, so he thought he ought to correct her.
‘Look,’ he explained, ‘this is not a pee-pee, it’s a cock.’
She laughed and said: ‘No, it’s not. A cock is ten inches long and black.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7i4ba/frustrated_by_a_world_of_moral_decay_a_man/
%
Two men are sitting on the train.

One of them eats apple cores.
Another asks, "Why do you eat apple cores anyway?"
"It makes you smart."
"Can I get some, too?", The other asks again.
"Yes, of course for $5."
The man then pays 5 dollars and gets the cores and eats them completely. Later, he mumbles, "Actually, I could have bought a whole big bag of apples for $5!"
Then the other one replies, "You see, it's already working!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7hola/two_men_are_sitting_on_the_train/
%
So, no nut November has been over for about a week...

About how long should it take for them to grow back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7ho3t/so_no_nut_november_has_been_over_for_about_a_week/
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I like to imagine that Little Debbie has been eating her cakes over the past several years...

She’s probably had to change her name to Debra by now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7hnes/i_like_to_imagine_that_little_debbie_has_been/
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A little girl goes into a pet store.

She asked the shopkeeper in the sweetest little lisp: ‘Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?’
As the shopkeeper’s heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level and asked: ‘Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like this cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?’
The little girl leaned forward and said in a quiet voice: ‘I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7hkin/a_little_girl_goes_into_a_pet_store/
%
My family had Wookiee steak for dinner.

It was fine, just a little chewy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7hh86/my_family_had_wookiee_steak_for_dinner/
%
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo.

They thanked him for returning me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7hgzo/oh_i_was_an_ugly_kid_my_old_man_took_me_to_the_zoo/
%
Advanced parenting

Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes in Christmas wrapping paper. When your child misbehaves, toss one into the fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7hgt9/advanced_parenting/
%
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.

When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7hfv4/i_had_plenty_of_pimples_as_a_kid_one_day_i_fell/
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Give a man porn flick and he'll masturbate for a day...

... Give a man a wife and he'll masturbate for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7hem3/give_a_man_porn_flick_and_hell_masturbate_for_a/
%
If Optimus Prime were to write a memoir about his life, it would be an

autobotography

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7has1/if_optimus_prime_were_to_write_a_memoir_about_his/
%
What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7ha1x/what_do_you_call_a_magic_dog/
%
A Terminator walks into a bar...

He notices a fly and swats it, killing it immediately.
The bartender goes "I thought you only killed people."
The Terminator replies, "Negative. I am an Ex-Terminator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7guf1/a_terminator_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How did baby Yoda grow to be so old?

Because he was vaccinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7gpo2/how_did_baby_yoda_grow_to_be_so_old/
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A REALLY BAD JOKE

My uncle : Man I just found out my son is gay
Me : Man that blows LOL...Haha.. geddit?..blowjob??
My uncle : not really we prefer anal
Me : what?!
Gay uncle : what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7gnxi/a_really_bad_joke/
%
Every morning I get out of the house, a bike keeps running me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7gmpe/every_morning_i_get_out_of_the_house_a_bike_keeps/
%
My English teacher said you can’t make a sentence with only nouns.

Wheel sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7gbep/my_english_teacher_said_you_cant_make_a_sentence/
%
Worst combination of illness

What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7gb27/worst_combination_of_illness/
%
R. Kelly changed the rap game

He took the art out of rap artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7g6kf/r_kelly_changed_the_rap_game/
%
The furniture store kept calling me.

All I wanted was one night stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7fuw8/the_furniture_store_kept_calling_me/
%
A man is walking home alone...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything...
All he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...
.
.
.
...the coffin stops!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7fuia/a_man_is_walking_home_alone/
%
I'm like a classic Mercedes Benz...

I depreciate much more rapidly than what's available nowadays, and I become more expensive to fix with time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7fqcg/im_like_a_classic_mercedes_benz/
%
How to fall down the stairs

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 6
Step 12
Step 24

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7fplr/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
%
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.

But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7fomf/i_used_to_shave_my_testicles_with_a_razor_blade/
%
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7fljb/i_hope_elon_musk_never_gets_involved_in_a_scandal/
%
Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "How to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7fg8l/two_goldfish_are_in_a_tank/
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Policeman - When did you find out that your wife is dead ?

Husband - I mean the sex was the same but the dishes started piling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7fdo6/policeman_when_did_you_find_out_that_your_wife_is/
%
Why are Americans so bad at playing league of legends?

Because they can’t defend their towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7f937/why_are_americans_so_bad_at_playing_league_of/
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Women and their husbands...

Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up. "It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."
"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next he's gone without a trace."
"Well," says a woman eavesdropping nearby. "I always know where my husband is." "How do you manage that?" the other two women ask.
"Easy," she replies. "I'm a widow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7f8e6/women_and_their_husbands/
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A grandad is telling a story to his grandson.

GRANDAD:"When I was a little boy like you, my mum used to give me only a one single dollar. And with that I got two packs of milk, a lot of eggs and two bags of potatoes."
GRANDSON: "But why you can't do that now?"
GRANDAD:Because nowadays there are too many of these f***ing cctv's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7exfs/a_grandad_is_telling_a_story_to_his_grandson/
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“Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm”.

In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7exa0/wifi_laptops_can_damage_your_sperm/
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I was at a Christmas party with a stunning German girl . . .

I noticed she was standing directly underneath a Mistletoe. I approached her and asked flirtatiously 'Ooh, what's that little thing above you?'
'Its called an Umlaut.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7ev1h/i_was_at_a_christmas_party_with_a_stunning_german/
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I went to the doctor...

I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette.
I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional - I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.”
I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7ep5s/i_went_to_the_doctor/
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What do light and hard have in common?

I can’t sleep with a light on either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7eo7p/what_do_light_and_hard_have_in_common/
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Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me

I'm fine - i only suffered super fish oil injuries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7ekiz/someone_threw_a_giant_bottle_of_omega3_pills_at_me/
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Why did the chef slather his sofa in duck fat?

He wanted to make it more confit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7eir3/why_did_the_chef_slather_his_sofa_in_duck_fat/
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I remember my mother's last words before she kicked the bucket.

She said "how far do you think I can kick this bucket? ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7ebqs/i_remember_my_mothers_last_words_before_she/
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Roses in a Vase, Violets on a Shelf

Jeffery Epstein did not kill himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7eaj1/roses_in_a_vase_violets_on_a_shelf/
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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,naked blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a naked brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.
“What is your last request?”
The Lone Ranger responds,” I’d like to speak to my horse….ALONE.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.
Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
“Listen very carefully, you fcuking dickhead, for the last time………. . BRING POSSE!!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7e5a9/the_lone_ranger_was_ambushed_and_captured_by_an/
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It must suck to have two dads

You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your dad".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7e04w/it_must_suck_to_have_two_dads/
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We all know where the Big Apple is...

But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7dy2o/we_all_know_where_the_big_apple_is/
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Have you ever heard about the movie Constipation?

You probably didn't,
Because it never Came Out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7dxrv/have_you_ever_heard_about_the_movie_constipation/
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Table manners...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, how would you tell her
that you have to go the bathroom?
Johnny said: 'I would say:
Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7dpt8/table_manners/
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I have an irrational fear of warrior princesses from different places.

You could say I'm xenaphobic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7djc2/i_have_an_irrational_fear_of_warrior_princesses/
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If I had a Crystal Ball

I'd sit down VERY carefully

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7devb/if_i_had_a_crystal_ball/
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Why did the dyslexic republican politician have to suspend his campaign?

Because he vowed to put an end to texas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7d7jc/why_did_the_dyslexic_republican_politician_have/
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I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!

Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7d3e6/i_was_asked_to_go_out_by_4_girls_today/
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Johnny's parents are fighting in the other room

His mother calls his father a bastard, and his father calls his mother a bitch. Johnny walks into his parents and asks what they mean. They say "Ladies and Gentlemen".
The next week Johnny hears his parents having sex. His father says "Feel my dick", and his mother says "Feel my titties". Johnny later asks what the words mean. His parents explain to him: "Hats and Coats".
His father is shaving. "Shit!" he exclaims as he cuts himself. Johnny asks what that means. His father responds: "It's the brand of shaving cream i'm using".
Johnny's mother is preparing Thanksgiving. "Fuck!" she says while stuffing the turkey. Johnny asks what she's doing. His mother tells him it's another word for stuffing the turkey.
The thanksgiving guest arrive. Johnny greets them by saying:
"Hello bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties on the table. My dad's upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mum's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7cyuo/johnnys_parents_are_fighting_in_the_other_room/
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Genie: You've got 3 wishes

Me: No thanks, I know whatever I wish for would come back and bite me.
Genie: No it won't, if it does, you get infinite wishes.
Me: Fine, I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a….

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7cwgp/genie_youve_got_3_wishes/
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What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather ?

A shoe !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7cwdo/what_sounds_like_a_sneeze_and_is_made_of_leather/
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It was my wife's birthday the other day

I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7cwbk/it_was_my_wifes_birthday_the_other_day/
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A journalist is doing an article on the life in a small rural town in the Balkans. NSFW

He arrives in the town and starts interviewing a local:
Journalist: "So can you tell me about the happiest day in your town's history?"
Local: "Well it was about 3 years ago, a goat got lost and all the men were looking for it. We finally found it after 2 days and we were all so happy that we took turns fuc*ing the goat."
Journalist: "Oh, well that is a bit too graphic for my article, what about the second happiest day?"
Local: "Well that was about 2 years ago, a sheep got lost and all the men were looking for it. We finally found it..."
Journalist sees where this is going and stopa the local: Okay okay, let's try something else... Tell me about the saddest day."
Local: "Well I also got lost once..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7cp2m/a_journalist_is_doing_an_article_on_the_life_in_a/
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My wife witnessed two bears having sex through a pair of binoculars.

She saw them coming a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7cmt6/my_wife_witnessed_two_bears_having_sex_through_a/
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Vertigo gang, rise up

But not too quickly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7cl5q/vertigo_gang_rise_up/
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There was a kidnapping the other day

Don't worry, he woke up soon after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7cdrr/there_was_a_kidnapping_the_other_day/
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I got knocked off my bike last night by a lunatic driving a salt lorry through deep snow. You complete idiotic moron I shouted

Through gritted teeth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7c5ig/i_got_knocked_off_my_bike_last_night_by_a_lunatic/
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What do you call a man scared of Christmas?

Claus - trophobic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7c30p/what_do_you_call_a_man_scared_of_christmas/
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Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know,

I need to borrow some chairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7byft/not_one_of_my_normal_posts_bit_more_serious_if/
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What do you call an Acapella group with 4 25 year olds?

A quartet life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7bvks/what_do_you_call_an_acapella_group_with_4_25_year/
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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Why the long face?"
The horse, unable to understand human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7bup9/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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Another pointless joke... What do you call a Jewish Knight?

Sir  Cumcised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7br4l/another_pointless_joke_what_do_you_call_a_jewish/
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Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.
If you were to ask who the fastest superhero is, there are a few that come to mind. Realistically, The Flash, fastest man alive, is your guy.
Well, superheroes are like us, they get stressed and overworked too. So, they all have different ways of unwinding and decompressing.
Well, Flash decides to go to the beach, but this isn’t just any beach, this is a nude beach.
As he is walking around, he sees some friends from his universe and others as well. Hawk Girl playing volleyball, cheating of course because she can fly, her big ol’ tits smacking around. He sees The Hulk walking, footprints behind him with a thick line in the sand between them.
Trying to divert his gaze, he looks down toward the end of the beach and sees the most stunning creature ever, Wonder Woman. She is just laying there, sunglasses on, ignoring everything, just sprawled out.
“Man, what I wouldn’t do to have sex with a woman like that...” Flash says to himself. After a moment of humoring the thought, he thinks, “I mean, I am the fastest man alive... I could go over there, do whatever I want, then leave before anyone knew anything...”
Hyping himself up before he could second guess himself, Flash darts over to Wonder Woman, does his business and then leaves in a flash chuckling to himself. “I just had sex with Wonder Woman!”
In the burst of air that passes as he disappears, Wonder Woman props herself up on her elbows, takes her sunglasses off, and fixes her hair as she looks around. Confused, she asks, “What in the world was that?”
Meanwhile, the Invisible Man on top of her replies, “I don’t know, but my ass sure hurts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7bo15/superhero_nude_beach/
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England doesn't have a kidney bank...

But they do have a Liverpool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7blzx/england_doesnt_have_a_kidney_bank/
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What's the difference between an ISIS base and a Muslim school?

I don't know I just fly the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7bf92/whats_the_difference_between_an_isis_base_and_a/
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All this rubbish about R. Kelly allegedly marrying a fifteen year old are ridiculous. Everyone knows he prefers twenty nine year olds.

Mostly because there are twenty of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7bciy/all_this_rubbish_about_r_kelly_allegedly_marrying/
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My wife told me: "Sex is better on holiday."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7babk/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
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Yo Mama so stupid

When someone said "Disney" she said "No, dat knee"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7b9jp/yo_mama_so_stupid/
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Whats it like to be married?

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married.
I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7az6b/whats_it_like_to_be_married/
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If I had to choose between you and remembering what portable stairs are called.

I would choose the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7awt3/if_i_had_to_choose_between_you_and_remembering/
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What do you call a hungry Mexican horse?

No-hay josè

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7aot9/what_do_you_call_a_hungry_mexican_horse/
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The Pretzel hold

For years, there has been the champ, and nobody has been able to beat him because of his "pretzel hold". Eventually, this wrestler was good enough to beat the champ, except for the pretzel hold. He got his chance, and took to the ring. Within Minutes, he was slammed into the Pretzel hold, and the crowd dimmed, and people started walking out of the stadium because they thought it was over...
Then there was a blood curdling scream, as the challenger ripped out of the pretzel hold, grabbed the champ by his neck and slammed him to the ground!
1! 2! 3! YOU"RE OUT!
Afterwards, The coach and the newly crowned champ were sitting in the locker room , when the coach said "That was Amazing! How did you do it? " The wrestler replied "There I was, In the pretzel hold, and I couldn't see anything. I was all wrapped up. As I was struggling to get out, I saw a pair of balls hanging down, and in desperation, I reached out and bit down on them. " The coach replies "So you bit his balls and he let go of you?" and the wrestler replies "Oh no, but you'd be surprised at how strong you become when you bite your own!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7ak13/the_pretzel_hold/
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One day, a lady named Anne wanted to change her name...

One day, a lady named Anne decided she was bored of her name and wanted to change it to Penny-Anne. That's not what I would choose, I would do something cool like Proffeser Spider Ninja, but that's why I haven't changed my name. Anyway, changing your name can be like $200, and Anne didn't have a lot of money. After nearly a year, she saved up enough extra money to legally change her name. Now, it can take up to six monthes to get your name changed, so Anne was in for a but of a wait. Sadly, after 3 monthes, Anne got really sick and died. After spending all her money on the name change, she died without a Penny to her name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7a3zo/one_day_a_lady_named_anne_wanted_to_change_her/
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So in school we learned about how you don't give tea to people who don't want tea or are unable to drink it and tea stood in for sex

So what the hell was the Boston Tea Party?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7a1jj/so_in_school_we_learned_about_how_you_dont_give/
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What starts with TR and ends with UMP?

TRASH DUMP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e79zum/what_starts_with_tr_and_ends_with_ump/
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Can't catch a break as a delivery driver for an Indian restaurant...

I've been working naan stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e79ujr/cant_catch_a_break_as_a_delivery_driver_for_an/
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Employer - In this job, we need someone who is responsible.

Me - I’m the one you want!
Employer - Why is that so?
Me - On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e79o4k/employer_in_this_job_we_need_someone_who_is/
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Prince Andrew comes home to Buckingham Palace

and finds his girlfriend crying and packing all her stuff.
When he asks her what’s wrong, she sobs that she is leaving him because people are calling him paedophile.
With a look of disbelief, he steps back and says, “Whoa! That’s a big word for a 10 year old.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e79jy2/prince_andrew_comes_home_to_buckingham_palace/
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Did you see the milk that went by here?

No?
It probably got pasteurized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e79e8g/did_you_see_the_milk_that_went_by_here/
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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book.
“Do you live around here?” she asked.
“Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?”
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e797l8/a_recently_widowed_jewish_lady_was_sitting_on_a/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes." replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?" asks Holmes.
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e794pa/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_go_on_a_camping_trip/
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Have you seen a leprechaun nun?

Two lepracauns walk up to the doors of a Catholic Church in Ireland. One of them knocks on the door. The father opened the door and says, "yes, my sons. What can I do for you?" The first leprechaun asks, "tell me father, do you have any leprechaun nuns in your church?" The father, taken aback, says, "no, my son." The second leprechaun starts to grin. The first one, clearly annoyed, asks again, "tell me father, are there any leprechaun nuns in this town?" The father starts getting stern. "No my son, there are no leprechaun nuns in this town." The second leprechaun starts to giggle. The first leprechaun, more annoyed, asks, "tell me father, are there any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?!" The father, now mad, says, "no, my son! There are no leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland!" The second leprechaun doubles over in laughter. The first leprechaun, even more annoyed, screams, "tell me father, in all your travels around the world, from all for corners of it, have you ever met a leprechaun nun?!?!" The father, now in a rage, screams back, "NO MY SON, NOT IN THIS CHURCH, NOT IN THIS TOWN, NOT IN ALL OF IRELAND, AND NO WHERE ACROSS THE FOUR FAR CORNERS OF GODS GREEN EARTH, DOES EXIST A LEPRECHAUN NUN!!!" The second leprechaun is now rolling on the floor, tears streaming down his face in laughter, screams out, "I told you that you fucked a penguin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e78w34/have_you_seen_a_leprechaun_nun/
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“You remember my friend that works for the Salvation Army?”

Nah.. it’s not ringing any bells.
(Don’t kill me for this)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e78gds/you_remember_my_friend_that_works_for_the/
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Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e78ayx/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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My neighbor was walking in his backyard and fell down a deep hole with water at the bottom....

He didn’t see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e788o7/my_neighbor_was_walking_in_his_backyard_and_fell/
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Axe Body Spray responded to Netflix's tweet "what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?" And responded with "Now 33% bigger."

What they should have said is "we will make you gag".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e78290/axe_body_spray_responded_to_netflixs_tweet_whats/
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Here's a joke I made up... What does a North Korean ricochet sound like?

PYONG!  YANG!
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e77wx1/heres_a_joke_i_made_up_what_does_a_north_korean/
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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you are interested, I have something in the back room that you may be interested in” says the man. The man agrees and him and the shopkeeper heads to the back where the shopkeeper retrieves an old cryptic looking box. He opens it to reveal a hand. “This is the magic hand” says the shopkeeper. “You have to be joking, right?” Says the man. “That’s just a mannequin hand!” The shopkeeper shakes his head and says to the man, “No no no sir, this is much more than that, this hand will come to life and do whatever you want, you simply give it a location to go. Care to try it in private?” So the man takes the hand into the bathroom, looks at the hand, and says “Magic hand, my dick!” All of a sudden, the hand comes to life, unzips the mans pants, and gives him a *flattering* rub down. The man rushes back to the shopkeeper and exclaims “I’ll take it!” So the man goes home, gives the gift to his wife, explains how it works, and then leaves for his trip. The wife, a bit cautious and doubtful, goes into the bedroom, removes her pants and underwear, and says “Magic hand, my pussy!” At once the hand leaps to life and gets to work. At first it’s wonderful, but after 3 hours the woman can’t take it. She’s tired, she’s had multiple orgasms, and she needs to get the hand out. She commands it to stop, but it won’t, so she decides to try to get to the hospital. She starts driving but finds it hard as she’s swerving trying to stay focused. Then she sees the sirens. She gets pulled over and an officer walks up to the window. “Ma’am you were swerving an awful lot back there, are you under the influence of any drugs or alcohol?”  “Officer! Please help me, there’s a magic hand up my dress pleasuring me and it won’t stop, I just need to get to the hospital. “Yeah right!” Says the cop, smirking”  “Sure lady, magic hand my ass!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e77vpv/the_magic_hand_long/
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Monkeys, dogs... animals are usually the first ones to explore space; so why is there no animal on Mars?

Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e77orw/monkeys_dogs_animals_are_usually_the_first_ones/
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What does the Mandalorian say when he offers you a protein shake?

This is the whey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e77mrg/what_does_the_mandalorian_say_when_he_offers_you/
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What do you call Arnold Schwarzenegger when he makes decisions?

Determinator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e77f3l/what_do_you_call_arnold_schwarzenegger_when_he/
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What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e77akn/what_do_you_call_a_butt_plug_being_used_by_a_guy/
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We passed a funeral home today having a service at like 9pm...

...I always thought that they were more of a mourning thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e778p1/we_passed_a_funeral_home_today_having_a_service/
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There's this German shepherd who comes to take a shit on my lawn every single day...

This morning, that fucker brought his dog along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e772zt/theres_this_german_shepherd_who_comes_to_take_a/
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Russian dolls

I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e76v4e/russian_dolls/
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I slept like a rock last night.

Just laid there. All night. Hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e76r20/i_slept_like_a_rock_last_night/
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What do your call a knight that is afraid to fight?

Sir Render.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e76nqo/what_do_your_call_a_knight_that_is_afraid_to_fight/
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A man walks into a bar and finds that it's pretty empty.

He looks around and only sees the bartender and what appears to be his pet monkey. Curious, he asks the bartender about the monkey.
"Oh that's my special monkey." The bartender says. "Let me show you."
The bartender picks up a baseball bat from under the bar, turns around and cracks the monkey over the head with it.  Much to the customers surprise the monkey scurries down the bar, and up the bartenders leg where he unzips his fly and begins to give the bartender a blowjob. After he finishes, he climbs right back up the bar and sits back down like nothing happened.
The bartender looks at the man and asks if he would like to give it a try.
"Sure." the man says. "But you don't have to hit me as hard as you hit the monkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e76kf6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_finds_that_its_pretty/
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I’m writing a book about the advantages and disadvantages of being both an author and a scammer.

It’s called Prose and Cons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e76gw3/im_writing_a_book_about_the_advantages_and/
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Pyromaniac

A pyromaniac teenager decides to burn his family's house down. The cops approach his parents and say, "Looks like someone left the stove on."
"Oh, no," They replied, "it was arson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e767uj/pyromaniac/
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They told me i couldn't eat the food i forgot in my basement 50 years ago

Little did they know i can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e764uw/they_told_me_i_couldnt_eat_the_food_i_forgot_in/
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English Class

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:
"Mary had a little lamb,
Whose fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go."
The teacher explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
The next day the teacher asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said,
"Mary had a little pig, An ornery little runt,
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."
He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"
"Prose!" the teacher said. "Prose!"
So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e764pn/english_class/
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What do men and plungers have in common?

They spend most of their lives in either a hardware store, or a bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e75rhg/what_do_men_and_plungers_have_in_common/
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Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan

It's non-stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e75nih/finally_learned_why_you_cant_use_a_wooden_spoon/
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Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they could create mathematical expressions for each style of art, they could decide which was superior.
The first polymath was an expert in isoperimetry, and he was absolutely obsessed with history. He fell in love with isoperimetry when he discovered its Greek roots and its slight link to Dido's problem. This polymath's passion for history bled into his artistic pursuits, as well; he found that the works of the old masters, particularly Renaissance artists, could never be topped. For most of his adulthood, he spent his downtime trying to replicate the painting of Renaissance artists in modern settings, but he could never quite get it right. Using his isoperimetric expertise, this polymath created a geometric formula that succinctly captured the essence of Renaissance paintings. He called this the Renaissance Equation.
The second polymath was an expert in set theory and an outspoken advocate for Impressionism. He found beauty in the way impressionists introduced the movement of life into their paintings in the same way he felt he encapsulated the movement of objects between sets. Impressionism and set theory, for this polymath, were two sides of the same coin—two objects in the same set. He decided to use set theory to categorize and represent the necessary and sufficient qualities for something to be considered impressionist to create a fuzzy set with extremities reaching from not-impressionist to impressionist.  Ultimately, this led to a breakthrough that led to an algorithm that could categorize any painting on an impressionist spectrum, and this perfect categorization furthered his belief that impressionism was the most beautiful style of painting. He called this the Impressionist Explanation.
The third polymath was an expert in isomorphisms. He saw true beauty in the ways in which an isomorphism could be distinguished, and could not be distinguished, based on the elements of the morphism from which they were reversed and inverted. This polymath believed that the value of isomorphisms, more than anything else in mathematics, depended on the perspective of the viewer. He looked at Neo-Surrealism in much the same way; from some perspectives, two isomorphisms could be differentiated in the same way two Neo-Surrealist paintings could be. With this in mind, he mathematically mapped countless Neo-Surrealist paintings and built an algorithm that could utilize much of his research into isomorphisms to differentiate between them. His results, which suggested that Neo-Surrealist paintings were all isomorphisms, proved to him that his favorite genre of art was superior. He called his work the Neo-Surrealist Formula.
The final polymath was an expert in orthogonal matrices and a lover of Cubism. He viewed matrices as the foundation of higher mathematical thought, and because the determinant of an orthogonal matrix must always be 1 or negative 1, he believed his study to be the purest form of mathematics. As an extension of this, he believed that anything outside of mathematics focused on invertible, square-based conceptions of reality were the optimal way to understand the world. Naturally, he fell into Cubism. Though Cubism did not represent perfectly orthogonal figures, this polymath believed this was not a failure of Cubism, but a failure of art as a whole—the need to portray broader themes caused the cubes not to be perfectly orthogonal. Despite this, the fourth polymath traced the primary vectors in the most prominent paintings of each genre, and he found that the vectors in Cubist paintings most closely resembled the orthonormal vectors he had long studied. He published his findings as the Cubism Experiment.
After the four polymaths had completed their individual projects, they convened to discuss their results. Even after seeing the work the others had put in, each polymath still trusted his own mathematical formula and believed his favorite genre of art was the best. To reach a final conclusion, the mathematicians decided to submit their findings in a single bundle to a group of neutral mathematicians from all over the world. They combined their work into a single expression of paintings, which they called Paintings: Renaissance, Impressionist, Neo-Surrealist, and Cubist Expressions.
The group of neutral mathematicians was astounded by the work put into this, and they published it for the world to see. Within weeks of publication, this set of data became widely known as the artists’ formulae known as PRINCE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e75mxx/several_years_ago_a_group_of_artistic_polymaths/
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The other day...

I was having sex with this married woman when her husband came home early.
She told me I’d have to use the back door and to be quick...
On reflection I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e75k61/the_other_day/
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A girl with no arms and legs

A man is walking along the beach when he heard distant crying. The crying got louder and louder when eventually he saw a girl lying in the sand, crying her eyes out.
"Why are you crying?" He asks the girl.
"I'm just so sad..*sniff* I've got no arms...no legs...and I've never been kissed before" she cried.
The man offered to help with one of those things, leaned over - kissed her passionately and the girl seemed quite happy. The man continued walking along the beach but after a few steps the girl burst out crying again. He turned back and asked;
"Why are you crying again?"
"Well", said the girl "I'm just so sad.. I've got no arms...no legs... and I've never been fucked before.."
The man leans over, picks the girl up - and throws her into the water.
"Now you're fucked!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e75jvh/a_girl_with_no_arms_and_legs/
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Fella goes into the barbers and there's a queue....

"How long will I have to wait for a cut?"
"About 2 hours" replies the barber.
"I'll be back later" says the guy who then leaves the shop.
The barber turns around quickly and says to his assistant. "Quick, follow him and tell me where he goes, that's the fourth time this week he's done the same thing and he never returns the same day". After half an hour the assistant returned; "well where did he go?"
"Your house" came the reply.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e75ij7/fella_goes_into_the_barbers_and_theres_a_queue/
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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
"I outlived all them assholes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e75dez/toward_the_end_of_the_sunday_service_the_minister/
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I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were...

She replied, "Aisle B, back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e75b8w/i_asked_the_toy_store_assistant_where_the_arnold/
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What do you call it when an anti vaxxer’s 3 year old daughter has a temper tantrum?

A midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7599h/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_anti_vaxxers_3_year/
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My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure.

No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7556d/my_wife_left_me_because_she_thinks_im_too_insecure/
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I'm allergic to gluten, dairy, nuts and I'm vegan. What can I get?

**Waiter:** The fuck outta here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e74xdq/im_allergic_to_gluten_dairy_nuts_and_im_vegan/
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A woman in a jewelers

admiring a large diamond ring. As she bends to take a closer look she lets out a little fart. Hoping no one noticed she smiled and asked “how much is that one?”
The jeweler says “madam if you farted when you just looked at it, when I tell you the price you will shit yourself”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e74tg1/a_woman_in_a_jewelers/
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What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes everything literally, a kleptomaniac literally takes everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e74pbq/whats_the_difference_between_a_literalist_and_a/
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When I was in college, I used to watch my roommate constantly sweeping girls off their feet.

He was a really aggressive janitor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e74n49/when_i_was_in_college_i_used_to_watch_my_roommate/
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What has two heads, four eyes, four arms, four legs, that isn't extraterrestrial?

A pregnant woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e74l6k/what_has_two_heads_four_eyes_four_arms_four_legs/
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What's the difference between Venice and the Lost City of Atlantis?

I guess about two or three years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e74200/whats_the_difference_between_venice_and_the_lost/
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My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.

Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e73aye/my_girlfriend_is_cheating_on_me_with_a_doctor/
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As an Asexual person, I avoid sarcasm.

I'm really bad at fucking with people
(....I am sorry, I'll see myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e735sn/as_an_asexual_person_i_avoid_sarcasm/
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I know its irrational, but...

Man, do I love pi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7336g/i_know_its_irrational_but/
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Blonde girl painting her lounge.

Her friend walks in and can't believe how well she is doing, but she is sweating buckets, Friend says to her why are you wearing a leather jacket and a Parker!?
Blonde says "helloooooooo" read the  fucking tin, it says, for best results put two coats on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e72yji/blonde_girl_painting_her_lounge/
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What do you call an electron who fixes cars?

A quantum mechanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e72uyg/what_do_you_call_an_electron_who_fixes_cars/
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What do you call a camping convict?

Criminal intent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e72msg/what_do_you_call_a_camping_convict/
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How much do prosthetics cost?

An arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e72lxr/how_much_do_prosthetics_cost/
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Why do French people not trust mermaids?

Because that girl is poisson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e72j8s/why_do_french_people_not_trust_mermaids/
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4 Girls asked me to go out today

I then realized this wasn't the men's room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e72gxt/4_girls_asked_me_to_go_out_today/
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Sorry, I have to share this joke my little cousin said over thanksgiving break!

Him: “Hey what kind of dent do you get when you run into a Hippo?”
Me: “idk what”
Him: “A Hippo dent”
I’m not entirely sure if he knows how jokes work but hey he’s trying!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e72bif/sorry_i_have_to_share_this_joke_my_little_cousin/
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How did the fight start?

So I rear ended a car this morning. To my surprise the driver of the vehicle I hit was a dwarf. After the collision he gets out of his car, walks over to me and says, “I’m not happy!” To which I replied, “Then which one are you?”. That’s how the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e72as5/how_did_the_fight_start/
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Why don’t you want to have a pillow fight with Death?

Because of the reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e728ju/why_dont_you_want_to_have_a_pillow_fight_with/
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What's the difference between a porcupine, and a BMW?

You don't need to be a pompous asshole to own a porcupine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7239x/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
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What are the ways you can describe your motorcycle but not your girlfriend?

# It's small, but it makes a hell of a noise.
# If you really push up tight, you can fit three people on it.
# It's ok... If you don't mind the bugs in her teeth.
# Sure you can ride her, everyone else has.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e71zda/what_are_the_ways_you_can_describe_your/
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Farting on an elevator...

... is wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e71tfk/farting_on_an_elevator/
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I freak out when people wave their hand in the air

But it's like they dont even care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e71qw3/i_freak_out_when_people_wave_their_hand_in_the_air/
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What would Hitlers name have been if he was born an Asian?

Lin Cha-Ju.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e71ozf/what_would_hitlers_name_have_been_if_he_was_born/
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Where do couples in their 60s go on their second honeymoons?

Viagra Falls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e71lt9/where_do_couples_in_their_60s_go_on_their_second/
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e71ifu/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
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At the dentist's

Patient : How much it will be for tooth extraction ?
Dentist : 250$.
P : That much for a few minutes of work ?
D : If you want, I'll extract it very very slowly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e71b9f/at_the_dentists/
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What do you call it when you murder a friend?

A homiecide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e7117w/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_murder_a_friend/
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I'm not sexist, because being sexist is wrong

and being wrong is for women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e70yv4/im_not_sexist_because_being_sexist_is_wrong/
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Which came first the chicken or the egg?

I don’t know much about chickens but I know they’re female so they definitely didn’t come first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e70lzr/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at?

IHOP!
-Jake Harper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e70l7p/if_girls_with_big_boobs_work_at_hooters_where_do/
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All my kid's have ADD

All Different Daddies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e70jxo/all_my_kids_have_add/
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I used to have an addiction to soap.

I’m clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e70jd9/i_used_to_have_an_addiction_to_soap/
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A kid asks his mom "whats dark humor"

Kid:Mom whats dark humor
Mom:See that man with no arms over there run over there and high five him
Kid:I can't i don't have legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e707g6/a_kid_asks_his_mom_whats_dark_humor/
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Bill's new car

Bill decides after saving for a few years to finally buy a new red Lamborghini. He's so excited about it that he decides to go out and try it out on the highway.
As he's zooming down the highway, he sees a trucker up ahead slowing traffic, and decides to show off his new car by cutting the trucker off. As soon as he cuts him off though, the trucker signals for Bill to pull over. Bill, not wanting to get into a fight, complies and pulls over.
The trucker walks out of his truck with some chalk, and his keys. He draws a circle in the chalk, and tells Bill to not leave the circle. He then takes his keys, and scratches the paint on Bill's new lambo. He turns around to see Bill smiling. This angers the trucker, and decides to pull out a knife and slashes Bill's tires.
"That'll teach you a lesson" he tells Bill, but when he turns around to look at Bill, he sees him giggling.
"You think this is funny?" The trucker is angry, and takes a bat and smashes every one of Bill's windows. He turns around to once again see Bill laughing. The trucker is now fuming. He takes out a pickaxe, and smashes Bill's whole car. He turns around thinking that Bill wouldn't be laughing now, but to his surprise Bill was rolling on the ground struggling to breathe from laughter.
"I don't get it. I destroyed your nice new car. Why are you laughing?" Asked the trucker
"You see" replied Bill, "when you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle 4 times"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e706tk/bills_new_car/
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How does baby Yoda poop when constipated?

He forces it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e706ez/how_does_baby_yoda_poop_when_constipated/
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What is common between YouTube and our government?

Both break their own laws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e705tn/what_is_common_between_youtube_and_our_government/
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A father and son are watching a documentary about evolution...

...the boy had already watched this episode and was viewing it again carefully as he found it a bit confusing as to what the different prehistoric animals were evolving into. He recalled this episode ended with an ant-like insect becoming a crustacean-like animal. By the end he said 'Ep seen, did ant krill himself?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e703cj/a_father_and_son_are_watching_a_documentary_about/
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A family on vacation stops at a hotel for the night

As they were finishing at the front desk, the father looks at the clerk and says “I sure hope the porn here is disabled”
Disgusted, the clerk says back to the father “no sir, our porn here is just regular porn”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e701wd/a_family_on_vacation_stops_at_a_hotel_for_the/
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I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.
Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.
Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.
Kids are so fat these days the reason why they use smart phone to play music is because they think a Sony Walkman must involve exercise.
Kids are so fat these days when their mothers tie their shoes the kid has to take her word for it.
Kids are so fat these days those benches on the school bus are now considered a seat for one.
You try telling kids are fat and they get all upset. "Tell us something we don't know, old man" I said "Salad actually tastes good."
But we shouldn't make fun of fat kids, they got enough on their plate already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6zx76/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_said_you_have_the/
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“You Da bomb!” “No, you Da bomb!”

In America – A compliment.
In the Middle East – An argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6zw50/you_da_bomb_no_you_da_bomb/
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I was at the bank one day and there was an old lady having trouble with the teller. She asked if I could help check her balance.

So I pushed her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6zth1/i_was_at_the_bank_one_day_and_there_was_an_old/
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Why can't real numbers keep a secret?

Because they're not discreet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6zrbw/why_cant_real_numbers_keep_a_secret/
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I'm her #1 Love

I was feeling a little down on myself after being sick for a long time so I asked my wife if I was truly her #1 love. So perfectly she responded, "Of course you're my #1 Love sweet heart! You're my only #1 love.." Then she paused and added... "All my others have been 9's and 10's!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6zr8a/im_her_1_love/
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A mother and her daughter went to the doctor's office...

The mother asked her doctor to examine her daughter.
"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her" the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped,"That's nonsense!" she said. "Why,my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl."You don't do you,dear?"
"No mother,"said the girl.Why,you know that I have never so much as kissed a man."
The doctor look from mother to daughter then back again. Then silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask,"Doctor is there something wrong out there?"
"No Madam" said the doctor."It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6zqm3/a_mother_and_her_daughter_went_to_the_doctors/
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Astrological signs are a great way to see if two people are compatible.

For instance, if you volunteer your astrological sign in conversation, we can’t be friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6zqad/astrological_signs_are_a_great_way_to_see_if_two/
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New Doctor is doing rounds in a psychiatric ward [Long]

He comes across a patient who looks perfectly fine otherwise and starts talking to him casually
Doctor: so what do you want to do in your life ?
Patient: I just want to make myself a slingshot and hunt myself some swallows
Doctor thinks to himself maybe that’s what’s wrong with the guy. Living in a childhood fantasy. Chats for a bit more and leaves him alone.
Few months later he happens to do the rounds again and chats to the same guy. Similar conversation ensues. He’s still interested in hunting swallows with a slingshot except for a bit more details.
Some years pass and the doctor goes to meet the slingshot guy again.
Doctor: so big man, what do you think you want to do in your life?
Patient: I want to get myself a girlfriend doc!
Doctor (sensing some change in usual script) : that’s good. What will you do with your girlfriend?
Patient: I’ll marry her.
Doctor ( now thoroughly invested): you are a good man. And what are your plans after you marry her ?
Patient: I’ve been planning it all. I’ll take her to my home. She’ll be in her bridal dress. I’ll be in my suit.
Doctor : I’m sure both of you will look great. What then ?
Patient : I’ll lift her in my arms and cross the threshold, kissing her all the time and take her to my bedroom.
Doctor ( already signing his discharge report in his mind) : my good man, you are a man of patience. Tell me more.
Patient : I’ll put her on the bed and take the bridal veil thingy off her head. I’ll start taking off her dress while she takes off my coat. Still kissing her all the while.
Doctor ( a bit aroused himself by now) go on, don’t stop now.
Patient: I’ll take off her panties first but not all the way down. I’ll leave them by her ankles.
Doctor ( completely and visibly excited by now) go on ...
Patient : I’ll take off her bra next and ......
Doctor: and .......????
Patient : run out with it, cut the broad elastic off the bra straps, make a slingshot and hunt myself some swallows!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6zfl3/new_doctor_is_doing_rounds_in_a_psychiatric_ward/
%
What is Santa’s favorite band?

Sled Zeppelin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ze4f/what_is_santas_favorite_band/
%
It's been scientifically proven that John Lennon did some much LSD in the 60s.....

That he fell in love with Yoko Ono.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6zdnk/its_been_scientifically_proven_that_john_lennon/
%
Man, smartphones are great you can search up anything like:

1. How to make a pizza
2. How to put out a fire
3. Directions to the nearest pizzeria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6z8lg/man_smartphones_are_great_you_can_search_up/
%
What did the janitor say when they came out of the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6z7x5/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_they_came_out_of/
%
As a kid I was told Santa would carry me away in his sack if I was naughty.

I guess this is how I got my claustrophobia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6z7wp/as_a_kid_i_was_told_santa_would_carry_me_away_in/
%
Gary meets a girl at the bar

She agrees to take Gary home for the night. When they arrive Gary admits his secret, he’s a virgin.
Not to embarrass him, she comforts Gary and says she is going to freshen up in the bathroom. While doing that, she suggests Gary go to backyard where there is a tree with a hole in it. She tells him to practice with his dick in the hole until it feels good for him, that will in turn make her happy.
A little while goes by and Gary returns to the bedroom to find his date freshened up and eagerly waiting for him.
“Did you figure it out?” She asks
“Yeh, I think I’ve got a good idea of what to do” says Gary
So Gary bends over and picks up a stick and starts hitting her with it while she lay there
“My god! What are you doing?!”
“This time I’m going to make sure there’s no squirrel in that damn hole!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6z4p1/gary_meets_a_girl_at_the_bar/
%
What do you call an autistic guitarist

Acoustic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ytry/what_do_you_call_an_autistic_guitarist/
%
A family are driving behind a garbage truck....

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6yqu8/a_family_are_driving_behind_a_garbage_truck/
%
One day a scientist had a brilliant idea

He thought to himself, "People are so preoccupied with talking animals, why don't i make the first ever talking food!". This was a momentous idea that he just had, and he thought it best to experiment on his favourite food item: Matzo balls.
The scientist made a matzo ball, and after much trial and error he believed he had done it. There was one problem however, the matzo ball had become shy and was very scared to speak. The scientist decided that he would force it to talk by subjecting it to various dangers and hoping it yells out for help.
First he placed the matzo ball on a plate with other, non talking matzo balls. He had some volunteers go and eat the balls but avoid the talking one. He hoped that the matzo ball would become scared and cry out. However, he was shocked to find a single matzo ball left on the plate with no records of it making any noise. He was sure it could talk, it just wouldn't.
Next he attempted to accidentally knock the matzo ball onto the floor of a busy lab. He instructed other scientists to step over the ball, but only just. After a 3 hr lab session, he was shocked to find the matzo ball still hadn't talked. At this point he was fed up and decided to cut his losses; But not without getting a tasty meal out of it.
He tied the matzo ball to a string and set it over a vat of boiling oil, intending to deepfry the dish. He ever so slowly dropped it towards the pot, to savour the moment and maybe to hear it talk before he ate it. As the matzo ball got closer and closer to the pot it begun to fear for its "life" believing that this was no longer an experiment. Suddenly, in the quite kitchen, the matzo ball spoke up in a hushed voice:
"I guess you expect me to talk?"
The scientist had a smirk on his face as he contemplated his next words: "no matzo ball, i expect you to fry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6yjrt/one_day_a_scientist_had_a_brilliant_idea/
%
What does a painter do when he gets cold?

He puts on another coat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6yhba/what_does_a_painter_do_when_he_gets_cold/
%
I accidentally pooped my pants in an elevator

I am taking this shit to a whole new level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ycqa/i_accidentally_pooped_my_pants_in_an_elevator/
%
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6y6jm/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
%
I shouldn't have eaten all that alphabet soup.

Now I'm going to have a massive vowel movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6y2rb/i_shouldnt_have_eaten_all_that_alphabet_soup/
%
What do you call prostitutes that work for free?

Non profet whoreganization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6xzqv/what_do_you_call_prostitutes_that_work_for_free/
%
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6xzcc/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.

I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6xuay/sometimes_i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_for_fun/
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Ever have amnesia and deja vu at the same time?

I think I've forgotten this before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6xrow/ever_have_amnesia_and_deja_vu_at_the_same_time/
%
I asked the toy clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.

She replied, "Aisle B, back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6xrif/i_asked_the_toy_clerk_where_the_arnold/
%
50 shades of grey

\#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6xphr/50_shades_of_grey/
%
I got offered a job in a mirror factory

I think it's something I could see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6xihq/i_got_offered_a_job_in_a_mirror_factory/
%
When I was a kid, my brother told me about the treasure in the bottom of the well.

I fell for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6xgxa/when_i_was_a_kid_my_brother_told_me_about_the/
%
What did the sailor say to the sea monster before it destroyed his ship?

"What's Kraken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6xdhd/what_did_the_sailor_say_to_the_sea_monster_before/
%
I’d been trying to get the lid of my pen for hours...

Nothing I was trying was working.
Then it clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6x7cx/id_been_trying_to_get_the_lid_of_my_pen_for_hours/
%
If you have blood in your pee when you piss.

Urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6x5gk/if_you_have_blood_in_your_pee_when_you_piss/
%
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.

I have 2 contacts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6x4en/to_the_person_who_stole_my_glasses_i_will_find_you/
%
When the Mystery Machine gets a flat, who gets out to change the tire?

Scooby-do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6x41l/when_the_mystery_machine_gets_a_flat_who_gets_out/
%
Did you hear about the Israelite barista?

Hebrews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6x2ru/did_you_hear_about_the_israelite_barista/
%
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings...

The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6x1o3/a_man_and_his_wife_are_fast_asleep_in_bed_when/
%
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees?

He saw too much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6wx3m/did_you_hear_about_the_lumberjack_who_got_fired/
%
The reason most girls do not like anal

its just a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ws96/the_reason_most_girls_do_not_like_anal/
%
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.

Me too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6wqml/sometimes_i_talk_to_myself_for_no_reason/
%
The difference between a freshman girls cross country team and a litter of baby foxes?

One is a bunch of cunning little runts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6wq41/the_difference_between_a_freshman_girls_cross/
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Spy

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove past'
'Looks like the Andersons have visitors,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skateboard!
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a shag!
Startled , his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6wmat/spy/
%
When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song became really popular and every Christmas the Mexican people can still be heard singing about 'Flea's Navvy Dad'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6wccr/when_the_bass_player_from_the_red_hot_chili/
%
A couple is trying to have a kid

they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on.
After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again.
And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6wbzs/a_couple_is_trying_to_have_a_kid/
%
An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.
To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot tree. Finally, he takes his axe up to an 80 foot redwood, swings, and the giant tree comes tumbling down.
The boss is amazed, and asks the man how he learned to do that. The man says "I practiced in the Sahara forest."
"Don't you mean the Sahara desert?" The boss asks.
"Well yes," says the old man, "that's what they call it now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6wahn/an_old_man_applies_for_a_job_as_a_woodcutter/
%
A businessman and a gambler were travelling in the same plane. They were seated next to each other.

Businessman: Lets play a game of questions and answers. If you are not able to answer my question then you will give me $100. However if I am not able
to answer your question then I will give you $1000. Deal?
Gambler: Oh really? Its a deal then.
Businessman: How many countries are there in the world?
Gambler: I don’t know.
Businessman: Give me the $100.
Gambler: *Clearly frustrated* Ok.
Businessman: Your turn.
Gambler: Which animal goes uphill with 4 legs and comes back downhill with 3 legs?
Businessman: I don’t know, damn it! Here is your $1000 dollars.
Gambler: Thank you, now let me sleep.
Businessman: Wait, what was the answer?
Gambler: I don’t know the answer to your question, here are your $100.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6w9f2/a_businessman_and_a_gambler_were_travelling_in/
%
Captain: Why did you call for backup?

Me: There was a fly in my car
SWAT team leader: What exactly do you think we do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6w4z1/captain_why_did_you_call_for_backup/
%
This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, “Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!”
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the ballerina another drink!”
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?”
The drunk replies, “Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6w4bd/this_nasty_sweaty_woman_wearing_a_sleeveless/
%
I picked a random number generator, but it only goes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ...

Apparently, if you want a random number generator, you shouldn't pick a number generator at random.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6w3zs/i_picked_a_random_number_generator_but_it_only/
%
Went out today and bought a Christmas tree, the fella who sold me it asked me was I going to put it up myself, I told him no i'm putting it in my sitting room

Found this somewhere. Lmao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6vy38/went_out_today_and_bought_a_christmas_tree_the/
%
Why did the characters in Lost cross the island?

To get to the others' side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6vs2g/why_did_the_characters_in_lost_cross_the_island/
%
Nobody seems to talk about the Amazon Rainforest

I thought it'd be a hotter topic by now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6vknz/nobody_seems_to_talk_about_the_amazon_rainforest/
%
The soldier.

Little Johnny became a soldier. He got a big knife, an AR 15 and a few hand grenades. He felt pretty good as he had also gotten pretty strong so he decided to go show off to his grandpa.
He gets there and sees his grandpa so he goes:
-Hi grandpa. Look at me, I became a soldier!
-indeed you have. - Responded grandpa.
-Look they gave me a knife and they taught me to throw it, like in the movies. I will throw it at the outside toilet and... You know I will demonstrate what I can do now on the toilet and then I'll make you a new one.
So he throws his knife at the toilet. The whole blade is stuck in the door leaving only the handle outside.
Then he says:
-Look, they also gave me an AR 15. Let me show you how it works!
So he shoots up the toilet covering it in holes.
-The last thing they gave me are these hand grenades.
He throws a grenade at the toilet and the toilet goes up in a beautiful explosion.
Then the Grandfather said to Johnny:
-Johnny, my boy, you have become a real man! Your grandma would have been proud.
-Why, waht happened to grandma? Isn't she ok?
-She was in the toilet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6vjs1/the_soldier/
%
Why was the school of fish so small?

They were all playing hookie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6vjjb/why_was_the_school_of_fish_so_small/
%
A group of high level executives at a company decides to start a rowing team?

No matter how hard they try, though, they always end up losing against their rival firm. After months of humiliating defeats, they send one of their guys to spy on another team's practice session, hoping to discover their secret.
After returning, the spy reveals: "I found out how they keep on winning. They have only one person do the yelling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6vfsz/a_group_of_high_level_executives_at_a_company/
%
I got a new haircut recently

It's growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6v8yq/i_got_a_new_haircut_recently/
%
We are getting there

A man walks into the bathroom and takes his position at the urinal. He is joined by a 6ft tall black man.
Going about his business he accidentally looks over and is amazed at the size of his neighbours johnson.
Both men go to wash their hands and the first man leans over and says. "Tell me if it is none of my business, but I have to ask, how did you get such a large penis?
No, no that's ok, here is how it happened, when I was a young lad, my mumma, she tied a brick to a string and then hung it about a foot off the floor for a month. After a month she untied it and this was the result.
After thanking the man, the first man ran home and said to his wife, cancel everything, call work and tell them I will be sick for the next month, he then goes into the backyard, grabs a brick and some string and begins his transformation.
For a whole month he lugs this brick around between his legs and avoids looking at his penis.
At the end of the month, he is so nervous and excited he can't look and asks his wife to do the grand unveilling.
Cautiously she lifts his "dress" he has been wearing, looking at his penis she whistles and her eyes go wide, nervously, he says to his wife, well how is it?
She takes one more look then looks him in the eye and says
"Well, we are halfway there!"
"It's Black"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6v4wl/we_are_getting_there/
%
A man is starving in the desert and sees a bacon tree in the distance

When he makes it over, a robber steps out and points a gun at him.
The man says, "whoa, I just wanted some of the bacon from the bacon tree!"
The robber grunts and says, "This ain't no bacon tree. This is a hambush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6uznl/a_man_is_starving_in_the_desert_and_sees_a_bacon/
%
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.

Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6utqi/i_saw_a_poor_old_lady_fall_in_the_street_today/
%
My friend said to me, “If I wasn’t mixing cocktails, I’d be a criminal.”

Either way, he’s behind bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6umtr/my_friend_said_to_me_if_i_wasnt_mixing_cocktails/
%
I punched my wall today.

After punching my wall, it created a line. For fun, I decided to hammer a nail into the line. I really nailed the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6uf50/i_punched_my_wall_today/
%
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ud27/a_truck_driver_stopped_at_a_roadside_diner_for/
%
I got a job as a bullet

I was fired immediately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ucnz/i_got_a_job_as_a_bullet/
%
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

Me: *sipping toast* Why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ucas/wife_i_regret_getting_you_that_blender_for/
%
Dear Satan...

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ubrj/dear_satan/
%
Why can't you see anything through Russian honey?

They were made by cagey bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6u6o7/why_cant_you_see_anything_through_russian_honey/
%
I said to my doctor I might have ADHD.

M: I said to my doctor, "I think I might have ADHD, because I can't remember where I parked my Ford!"
Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works"
M: "But I keep losing my Focus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6twr1/i_said_to_my_doctor_i_might_have_adhd/
%
What’s the warmest organ in a dead body after 24 hours?

My dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6tmy1/whats_the_warmest_organ_in_a_dead_body_after_24/
%
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters
Wife: Apps
Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters
Wife: Teen
Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters
Wife: Didn't
Husband: Take a life, 4 letters
Wife: Kill
Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters
Wife: Hymns
Husband: Santa's little helper, 3 letters
Wife: Elf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6tehs/a_husband_and_wife_are_doing_a_crossword_puzzle/
%
You know how I'm really inconsistent when I talk?

Never mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6tb25/you_know_how_im_really_inconsistent_when_i_talk/
%
So after hours of looking I finally found this old clock joke from my childhood.

It’s about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6t1fu/so_after_hours_of_looking_i_finally_found_this/
%
In Russia, a man is driving with his wife and small child.

A policeman pulls the man over on suspicion of the man being drunk and gives him a breathalyzer test. “See,” the policeman says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the policeman to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the policeman to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the policeman shrugs and says, “Yes, perhaps it is broken,” and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple shots of vodka.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6t12a/in_russia_a_man_is_driving_with_his_wife_and/
%
Look at that drunk!!

Wife: Look at drunk guy!
Husband: Who is he?
Wife: 10 years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him
Husband: Oh my god!  He's still celebrating...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6syff/look_at_that_drunk/
%
A guy goes to a bar..

A guy calles up his best friend and asks him if he wants to go out for a drink. They both later meet up at a bar and start drinking. After having one too many beers one of the guys goes and throws up on his shirt. He frantically says to his best friend, "my wife is going to kill me if she knew that'd I drank myself drunk and puked on myself, what do I do?" His best friend says, "I got it! Just put $10 in your pocket and say the guy next to you had too many and he puked all over you. Then to pay for what he did, say that he put $10 in your pocket for it to get cleaned!" The guy says, "that's genius! I'll have one more before I go and head back home to test it out!" As soon as he gets home he opens the door and tells, "honey I'm home!" His wife takes one look at him and says, "you've been drinking so much you got yourself drunk and puked all over yourself haven't you?!" The guy says, "no honey, you've got it all wrong. I went to the bar to have one drink and the guy next to me puked all over my shirt and paid me $10 to get it cleaned." She went and reached in his pocket to check and pulled out the bill. She looked at it and said, "this is a $20!" The guy says, "yeah you wouldn't believe it, the guy also shit in my pants too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6smlc/a_guy_goes_to_a_bar/
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KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.  When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.  She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's not relevant...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6se6c/killer_biscuits_wanted_for_attempted_murder_the/
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I started a buissness selling land mines as prayer mats

The prophets are through the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6sdyi/i_started_a_buissness_selling_land_mines_as/
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I hate guys who can suck their own dicks

They’re just so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6sdif/i_hate_guys_who_can_suck_their_own_dicks/
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If Elon Musk was a country, what country would he be?

Mad at gas car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6sbzx/if_elon_musk_was_a_country_what_country_would_he/
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Why was the cannibal in the coma patient wing?

Hes a vegetarian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6s1po/why_was_the_cannibal_in_the_coma_patient_wing/
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So a man and a boy were walking in the woods

The boy turns to the man and says, " mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared"
The man replies "how do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6rt90/so_a_man_and_a_boy_were_walking_in_the_woods/
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Why are Boy Scouts annoying to play video games with?

Because they’re good at camping!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6rp45/why_are_boy_scouts_annoying_to_play_video_games/
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Whats a similarity between Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd?

Their last big hit was the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6rkhp/whats_a_similarity_between_dale_earnhardt_and/
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we were at the theatre last night and a burglar broke in as they were all on stage performing

he stole the spotlight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6rj0c/we_were_at_the_theatre_last_night_and_a_burglar/
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Always borrow money from a pessimist

because they never expect it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6rdjy/always_borrow_money_from_a_pessimist/
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I like sending SMS messages to my friends in both English & Spanish.

I guess that makes me bi-textual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6r7lm/i_like_sending_sms_messages_to_my_friends_in_both/
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A married man starts a new job that makes him work late hours.

Every night this man comes home from work he's ready to have sex with his wife. She's usually asleep and he has to wake her up to see if he can get lucky.
Some nights, she's in the mood and ready to go and others, she will be too worn out from taking care of the kids and doing house chores all day.
One morning, the husband feeling bad about waking her up every night for sex says, "We need a code so you can let me know when you're in the mood for sex. Ill wake you up with my erection in your hand. If you're in the mood, stroke it 2 times." His wife said "Okay, but what if I'm not in the mood?"
He said "you'll stroke it 200 times!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6qvj1/a_married_man_starts_a_new_job_that_makes_him/
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What do you call an ape with a fetish?

Kink Kong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6qoyx/what_do_you_call_an_ape_with_a_fetish/
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What do you call 2 dogs with no legs on a leash?

A drag race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6qdoa/what_do_you_call_2_dogs_with_no_legs_on_a_leash/
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Jack an Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's candy

Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, because Jill's real name was Randy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6q882/jack_an_jill_went_up_the_hill_so_jack_could_lick/
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Me: hi

German baker: Gluten tag!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6q7se/me_hi/
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Senior Sex [NSFW]

Husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6q6qz/senior_sex_nsfw/
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Someone wrote on Facebook...

My pizza's burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend's pregnant.
A friend replied, "It seems you can't take anything out on time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6pu6b/someone_wrote_on_facebook/
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[NSFW] Why don't any of Logan Paul's asian fans ask for high fives anymore?

He tends to leave them hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6pe5z/nsfw_why_dont_any_of_logan_pauls_asian_fans_ask/
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The little boy sees a police officer and runs up "Hey, come quick! My father is in a fight with another man!"

The officer follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there are two men fighting tooth and nail.
"Ok, sonny, now which one's your father?"
"I DON'T KNOW! That's what they're fighting about!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6p1v6/the_little_boy_sees_a_police_officer_and_runs_up/
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My mom told me about how Santa’s job is to give me a gift once a year and then not come back again for another year

I was just wondering why my dad changed his name to Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6p1g2/my_mom_told_me_about_how_santas_job_is_to_give_me/
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Nobel Peace Prize

Did you guys ever hear about the farmer who won the Nobel Peace Prize?!
He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6p099/nobel_peace_prize/
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, unless it’s a black bulb, then they need to call for backup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6oxvu/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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They Say The Best Way to Get to a Man's Heart is Through His Stomach...

This is why I'm not a heart surgeon anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ouyb/they_say_the_best_way_to_get_to_a_mans_heart_is/
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It takes a lot of courage to shave using a cutthroat blade. I used to shave my privates using one.

I don’t have the balls to do that anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ote6/it_takes_a_lot_of_courage_to_shave_using_a/
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The aircraft carrier captain saw a light

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."
But the light flashes back "*YOU* turn to port to avoid a collision."
The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 war planes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! *YOU* turn to the left to avoid a collision!"
The light flashes back "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ooha/the_aircraft_carrier_captain_saw_a_light/
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Two cannibals waylaid a man in the jungle.

They ate their victim, one starting at the head and the other starting at the feet.
After a while, the cannibal who had started at the feet asked his friend, "How are you doing?"
"I'm having a ball!" came the reply.
"Slow down, you're eating too fast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ocsq/two_cannibals_waylaid_a_man_in_the_jungle/
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My body is a temple

Mostly ruins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6nyo9/my_body_is_a_temple/
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What do clouds like to wear?

A Rainbow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6nvas/what_do_clouds_like_to_wear/
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A guy asks a woman "Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"

She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes."
"Well would you do it for five dollars?"
"NO! What do you think I am?"
"We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6nueq/a_guy_asks_a_woman_would_you_have_sex_with_me_for/
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You don't need a parachute to skydive

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ntso/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_skydive/
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What do you call a fake noodle

An Impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6nseh/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
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What do we want? FREE HEARING AIDS!!

When do we want them?? FREE HEARING AIDS!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6nhml/what_do_we_want_free_hearing_aids/
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An Asshole

What do you call a person who puts the punchline of a joke in the title?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6nh6h/an_asshole/
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A woman on Vacation rings home

She asks her husband, "How’s my cat doing?"
The husband says, "The cat’s dead."
The woman’s upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t get her down."
"Okay, I’m sorry," says the husband, "I’ll remember that."
The woman says, "Anyway, how’s my mother doing?"
The husband says, "Your mother’s on the roof and we can’t get her down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ng7r/a_woman_on_vacation_rings_home/
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A little known fact: Before the crowbar was invented...

**most crows drank at home.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6n7ze/a_little_known_fact_before_the_crowbar_was/
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Today I stopped at this roadside stand that said “Lobster Tails: $2”.

So I paid my $2 and the guy said, “Once upon a time there was this lobster…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6n7gu/today_i_stopped_at_this_roadside_stand_that_said/
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At the last supper, Jesus said: "Eat bread, it is my flesh. Drink wine, it is my blood...."

but when he said "Try the Mayonnaise..." everyone left....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6mvlk/at_the_last_supper_jesus_said_eat_bread_it_is_my/
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What do you guys think of my idea to abstain from working with spreadsheets for 40 days before Easter?

Because personally, I think it's Excel Lent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6mfql/what_do_you_guys_think_of_my_idea_to_abstain_from/
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Man comes home early and finds his mate in bed with his wife.

So he stabbed him to death.. his wife says,
"Carry on like that and you'll have no mates left"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6mecq/man_comes_home_early_and_finds_his_mate_in_bed/
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I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone  and there was a £1 coin in it's place.
Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6m9yy/i_put_my_phone_under_my_pillow_last_night/
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A man walks into a discount brothel

He approaches the counter and asks,
"penny for your thots?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6m3iv/a_man_walks_into_a_discount_brothel/
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A panda confused me

I was bamboozled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6lt0b/a_panda_confused_me/
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In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6lsho/in_college_i_lived_in_a_houseboat_and_started/
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I told my friend I was really nervous about going into space

But my friend said I would rock it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6lm06/i_told_my_friend_i_was_really_nervous_about_going/
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Electoral surveys are very important in Poland

Because in Poland the president gets elected by the polls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6lijl/electoral_surveys_are_very_important_in_poland/
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[NSFW] A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...

Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6l5lu/nsfw_a_cowboy_is_walking_down_main_street_in/
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What does a serial killer eat when he’s on a budget?

Raw men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6l5j5/what_does_a_serial_killer_eat_when_hes_on_a_budget/
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"Hello. Is this the Sheriff's office?"

Floyd: "Hello. Is this the Sheriff's office?"
Sheriff: "Yes."
Floyd: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana in his firewood! I don't know how he gets in in the logs, but he's hiding it!"
Sheriff: "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day the Sheriff's deputies descended to Virgil's house and searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood and find no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil and left.
Shortly after the phone rings at Virgil's house.
Floyd: "Hey Virgil, it's Floyd. Did the Sheriff visit?"
Virgil: "Yeah!"
Floyd: "Did they chop your firewood for the winter?"
Virgil: "Yessir!"
Floyd: "Have a happy birthday, Virgil!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6l2y6/hello_is_this_the_sheriffs_office/
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After a long day at work, a weasel stopped at his local pub for a drink...

As he steps up to the bar, the bartender greeted him: “Well, how are you today, sir?”
“Tired”, says the weasel. “Oh, you need a whiskey, then.”
“No, thank you” replies the weasel. “Weasels don’t drink believe in drinking alcohol.”
“Well, you’re at a bar son. What do weasels drink  at a bar if they won’t drink liquor?” the bartender says, obviously annoyed.
“POP”, goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6l16i/after_a_long_day_at_work_a_weasel_stopped_at_his/
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CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!

I love the stuff, I filled my entire yard with it. My only complaint is the weird smell. Has a real e-lawn musk to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6kv9i/ceo_of_tesla_invented_solarenergy_gathering_grass/
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Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.
“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”
Excited, Jerry went home after school and immediately tried it on his mother. He walks up to her and whispered in her ears: “I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else.” His mother was immediately stunned, she gathered herself together and replied: “Alright, here’s ten bucks, just whatever you do, do not tell your father.”
Joyed, Jerry ran upstairs, found his father in the reading room and tried the trick on his father. He walks up to him and whispered in his ears: “I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else.” Shocked, his father scrambled for words: “What? But how did you... Never mind, fine, here. Just whatever you do, don’t tell your mother.” And Jerry’s father handed him ten bucks.
Pocket full of cash and heart filled with excitement, Jerry ran outside to the front yard and found their neighbor, Mr. Smith mowing his lawn. Jerry decides to try the trick on Mr. Smith as well.
Jerry ran up to Mr. Smith and said: “Mr. Smith, sir, there’s something I have to tell you.” Mr. Smith turned off his lawn mower and asked: “Well what is it, little buddy?” Jerry closed in and whispered in his ears: “I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else.”
“I’m afraid I owe you more than ten bucks.” Said Mr. Smith: “So your mother told you huh? Well what’re you waiting for? Come here and give me a hug, son.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6kv2p/michael_and_jerry_are_two_third_graders_in_the/
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My wife asked me to sync her phone

so I threw it into the ocean.
I don't know why she's mad at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ktz6/my_wife_asked_me_to_sync_her_phone/
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If you need help building an ark...

I No-ah guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ks0w/if_you_need_help_building_an_ark/
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Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns.

That's just how eye roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6krdq/not_sure_if_you_have_noticed_but_i_love_bad_puns/
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My healthcare is so bad...

...I can't even afford Dr. Pepper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6kmsp/my_healthcare_is_so_bad/
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I just burnt 2500 calories

This is the last time I take a nap while baking cookies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6kk77/i_just_burnt_2500_calories/
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If you don't pay the prostitute....

Is it rape or shoplifting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6kjq6/if_you_dont_pay_the_prostitute/
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When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.

Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6kd85/when_i_was_a_kid_santa_gave_me_a_lump_of_coal_the/
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Did you hear about the man that got addicted to doing the Hokey Pokey?

Luckily he was able to turn himself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6kawt/did_you_hear_about_the_man_that_got_addicted_to/
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"Forgive me father for I have sinned," and "Sorry daddy I've been naughty" sound very much the same, but are totally different

Yet somehow they both lead to sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6k9ri/forgive_me_father_for_i_have_sinned_and_sorry/
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What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6k8r9/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
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What's Gordon Ramsays favourite Movie?

It's fucking FROZEN!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6k8k1/whats_gordon_ramsays_favourite_movie/
%
[NSFW] Why are black prisoners afraid of white prisoners?

Because if he white and he there, he guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6k4g1/nsfw_why_are_black_prisoners_afraid_of_white/
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how much sperm does a gay guy have

a buttload

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6jxki/how_much_sperm_does_a_gay_guy_have/
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My Girlfriend has been hinting that she wants a ring for Christmas

I can't wait to see the look on her face when she opens up her new video doorbell!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6juit/my_girlfriend_has_been_hinting_that_she_wants_a/
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What do journalists like to find inside their Christmas crackers?

A pull-it surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6jsod/what_do_journalists_like_to_find_inside_their/
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After my wife left me, I sold all her jewelries and bought a Tibetan Mastiff to keep me company.

She's gonna be so mad when she returns from work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6jrxc/after_my_wife_left_me_i_sold_all_her_jewelries/
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What did the baker say to the dough?

All rise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6jmdy/what_did_the_baker_say_to_the_dough/
%
A man finds a lamp on a beach. He rubs it, and out pops a genie.

“I will give you three wishes,” the genie says. “But be warned: whatever you wish for, your ex will get twice that.”
“I wish for a fabulously large mansion,” the man says.
“Are you sure?” asks the genie. “Your ex will get a mansion twice as large, twice as opulent.”
“I’m sure.” Poof! The man finds himself standing with the genie in the largest, finest mansion he’s ever seen (if only because he hasn’t seen his ex’s new home).
“And your second wish?”
“I wish for one billion dollars!”
“You do realize your ex will get two billion dollars?” warns the genie.
“Yes, I know, and this my wish. Please grant it!”
Moments later, the man has a few more digits in his bank account. So does his ex.
“And for your third and final wish?” asks the genie.
“Scare me half to death.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6jfn1/a_man_finds_a_lamp_on_a_beach_he_rubs_it_and_out/
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My girlfriend told me I was one in a million....

Then I scrolled through her text messages and she was right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6j5vi/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_was_one_in_a_million/
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Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.

It makes scents, if you think about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6j356/just_invented_a_thought_controlled_airfreshener/
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Guy comes home from his job at the pickle factory

He says to his wife “i need to talk to you about something that happened at work”
Wife - “ok, what’s up?”
Husband - “well lately at work I’ve been having this compulsion, an almost uncontrollable need to put my penis in the pickle slicer.”
Wife - “ My god! Are you crazy?  Don’t do it!”
Husband - “I know, it’s crazy.  But today, i just couldn’t control myself.  So i did it.”
Wife - “you did what?”
Husband - “I put my penis in the pickle slicer.”
Wife - “Jesus!  What happened”
Husband - “i got fired.”
Wife - “no, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
Husband - “she got fired too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6j0sy/guy_comes_home_from_his_job_at_the_pickle_factory/
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A Tale from an Uber driver...

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms.  She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed....
Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...
So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the bar. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged.
She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6izu1/a_tale_from_an_uber_driver/
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They say the Spinosaurus' sail acts like a radiator which dissipates all the heat away

Truly spine chilling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6itmd/they_say_the_spinosaurus_sail_acts_like_a/
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The local bar in town was looking for a piano player to play on weekends

I obliged because I love to play, and I could really use the money at the time.
Anyway, I am at the interview/audition playing a couple songs for the owner.  The owner walks over to me after the first song and says, "You're pretty good, man. What's that one called?"
Me: "Fuck You Dude"
Owner: "Excuse me?"
Me: "Oh, no. 'Fuck You Dude.' It's the name of the song."
The owner just kinda shrugs it off and tells me to show him what else I've got.  I play him another song, and he walks over, looking a bit apprehensive this time.
Owner: "So uhh, whats that one called?
Me: "It's called 'Your Mom's a Bitch.'"
Owner: "Man, you've got the job, but we'll have to do something about those song names."
So fast-forward to Friday night.  I'm playing, the crowd's feeling it, I'm feeling it, and everyone is buying me drinks because we're all having a good time.  Because of this, I have to step away from the keys for a moment to go drain the lizard.  I'm on my way back to stage when an angry woman stops me. She says, "Excuse me sir. Do you know your pants are unzipped and your dick's hanging out?"
Trying to calm her down, I exclaim to her, "Know it?? Lady, I WROTE IT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6is6s/the_local_bar_in_town_was_looking_for_a_piano/
%
So yesterday, I ran into this savvy gold investor. He dropped his wallet as I was walking behind him. He didn’t notice so I picked it back up and ran it to him. He then proceeded to thank me profusely and gave me his number so I could get a share if his stocks. Do you wanna know what I said next?

“Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ip7b/so_yesterday_i_ran_into_this_savvy_gold_investor/
%
What did the rock say to the flower?

Ok Bloomer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ik5b/what_did_the_rock_say_to_the_flower/
%
People keep avoiding me because they think I'm a heartless murderer, but I do have a heart.

Well, 28 to be exact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6igtv/people_keep_avoiding_me_because_they_think_im_a/
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Karma on reddit is like Viagra

It's satisfying to watch it go up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ig5l/karma_on_reddit_is_like_viagra/
%
What, is a librarians favorite thing to grill during the summer?

A shhhhh-kabob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6i948/what_is_a_librarians_favorite_thing_to_grill/
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A man steps into a brothel (nsfw)

He approaches the head mistress and says what  can I get for $5? The head mistress takes him to a room with a morbidly obese woman. He doesn't enjoy it but it got the job done.
Next week he goes back and tells the mistress he only has $4 this time so she takes him to a room with a chicken in it he does the deed then goes about his day.
The following week he goes back but this time he only has $3 so the mistress takes him to room full of other men and they're watching a very old women having sex so the guy says this is fucking disgusting. Well one of the other men in the room said if you think this is bad last week we watched some dude  fuck a chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6i2md/a_man_steps_into_a_brothel_nsfw/
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Did you hear about the woman who got surgery to put her vagina on her hip?

She said she wanted to make some money on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6hzwx/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_got_surgery_to/
%
When I close my eyes, I always see the color green.

Probably just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6hxg2/when_i_close_my_eyes_i_always_see_the_color_green/
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I was walking down the street the other day when I noticed someone pickpocket a dwarf.

I don’t understand how anyone could stoop so low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6hw6q/i_was_walking_down_the_street_the_other_day_when/
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Found out my phone unlocks when I say "bukkake".

I have facial recognition turned on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ht61/found_out_my_phone_unlocks_when_i_say_bukkake/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

Better with analogies than I am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6hrug/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
What happens when a doctor gets fired?

He doesn't care anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6hq5o/what_happens_when_a_doctor_gets_fired/
%
Is sex a joke?

If it is, I don't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6hph2/is_sex_a_joke/
%
I’m sick of my wife complaining about me sitting around all day.

I’m not going to stand for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6hgy1/im_sick_of_my_wife_complaining_about_me_sitting/
%
One of my favorite jokes from my little brother

Him: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Him: Mosq
Me: Mosq who?
Him: MOSQUITOOO!!
Him: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Him: Anada
Me: Anada who?
Him: Anada MOSQUITOOO!!
Him: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Him: Yet
Me: Yet who?
Him: Yet ANADA MOSQUITOOO!! (as he is ROLMFAO)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6hfkn/one_of_my_favorite_jokes_from_my_little_brother/
%
What was Gandhi's favorite vegetable?

Peas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6hf8l/what_was_gandhis_favorite_vegetable/
%
Q.What to do when people hate you for no reason?

Ans: punch them in the face.....now they will hate you for a reason.........better right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6h8ac/qwhat_to_do_when_people_hate_you_for_no_reason/
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Sooooo, my son just came out gay to me today. Honestly, as a traditional Alabama man and father, I cannot condone my boy's lifestyle choice...

...but as his half-brother I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure he is happy as-is and allowed by the world to love who he desires

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6h7g4/sooooo_my_son_just_came_out_gay_to_me_today/
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Little Johnny NSFW

Little Johnny is sitting around at grandpa's house and notices his grandfather smoking a cigar. Johnny goes over and asks his grandpa "Hey grandpa, can I try a little of that cigar?" His grandfather looks at little Johnny and asks "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny replies "No". Grandpa replies "Well I guess you can't have any of this cigar then."
A few days later grandpa is sitting on the porch drinking a beer. Little Johnny goes over and asks is grandfather if he can have a sip. His grandfather asks "Does your dick touch your asshole?" To which Johnny says no. "Well I guess you can't have any of this beer then"
Another few days go by and Johnny is sitting with a tray of cookies his grandmother made. Grandpa goes over and asks if he can have a cookie. Little Johnny asks "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Grandpa responds "Yes it does"
Johnny responds "Then go fuck yourself grandpa!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6h38h/little_johnny_nsfw/
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Birds

Teacher: which birds can't fly?
Student: Dead birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6gxpy/birds/
%
3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.
The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out for blood. I look him in the eye and I know that it’s me or him. When he lunged, I grabbed him with my bare hands and strangled him to death. And you see these snakeskin boots? I took them as a trophy from my kill.”
The second cowboy responds: “That’s nothing. One day I was riding around on my horse, than out of nowhere comes out a big, mean bear. The son of a bitch knocks me off my horse, and proceeds to kill my noble steed. I reach for my gun, but he charges and knocks it out of my hand. He’s got me pinned, snarling at me just waiting to kill, when I manage to break free, get my knife from my boot, and I stab him in the throat. And you see this bearskin cloak? I skinned him myself and keep this as a reminder.”
The two cowboys look to the third, and one of them says “well what about you? You think you’re tougher than us?”
The third cowboy says nothing, and just continues to sit there, stirring the fire with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6gt4a/3_cowboys_nsfw/
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In the early days of the Nazi Party’s rule a group of Nazis walked into a bar

They sat and noticed a Jew was sitting in front of them. One of the Nazis got up and shouted “A round of drinks on me for every German folk except for the Jew!”
The crowd cheers and heils the party but this doesn’t make the Jew upset at all. He was grinning.
After a few days the Nazis return and see the same Jew sitting at his place with a funny smirk on his face. This makes them angry. One of them gets up and shouts “Bartender, a round of drinks on behalf of the National Socialist Party for my hardworking German folk except the Jew!”
The crowd cheers again and soon they start drinking and singing but the jew looks as happy as ever. One of the Nazis asks the bartender “What’s the matter with the Jew? Is he stupid or something?”
The bartender says “No, he owns the bar.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6gsm7/in_the_early_days_of_the_nazi_partys_rule_a_group/
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I got on Ebay last night and ordered a chicken and an egg

I'll let y'all know what happens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6gqj1/i_got_on_ebay_last_night_and_ordered_a_chicken/
%
The man and the camel (NSFW)

A man travels with his camel through a big desert. After days of traveling he gets really horny and decides to fuck the camel. As he approaches the camel, the camel turns his head towards the man and gives him a sad face. The man pities the camel and decides to continue the journey. After days of travel the the man gets even hornier. The man jumps out of the camel and steps towards the camel's back. Once again the camel, with turning it's head, gives the man a sad face; results in him pitying the camel. After days of even more travel they encounter a naked woman drowning in a small lake. The man jumps into the lake, saving the woman. The naked and wet woman says,
"I will do anything you want, just tell me what is it!"
The man replies,
"Hold this camel's head so I can fuck it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6gldv/the_man_and_the_camel_nsfw/
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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.
As the doctor and visitor pass by a patient's room, they sae a man furiously masturbating. He has no blanket covering him, nor privacy curtain drawn. To the amazement of the visitor, the nurse in the room proceeds to go about checking his vitals and chart as of nothing was out of the ordinary.
"My god!" Gasped the visitor "What is that man doing!?"
The doctor quickly flipped through his notes. "Oh, you see, this man has an incredibly rare disorder where if he stops masturbating, his heart will explode."
"Oh my," said the visitor "that poor man. What a terrible life to lead."
With that, they continue down the hall until they happen across another room with the door wide open. The man inside is laying back in bliss while a pretty young nurse is enthusiastically sucking his dick.
"Oh my god!" Screams the visitor "What on earth is going on here? This is completely unacceptable!"
Once again, the doctor flips through his notes. "Oh. You see, this patient has the same disorder as the last one, but his health insurance is significantly better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6gj7s/nsfw_a_doctor_is_giving_a_tour_of_a_local_hospital/
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Men to women, you know men came first.

Women, yes and you all been doing it ever since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6gi7q/men_to_women_you_know_men_came_first/
%
My friend asked "What Rhymes With Orange"

"No it doesn't"  I said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6gfvr/my_friend_asked_what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
What did the girl say after she met Jesus on a blind date?

Hmmm...you look much whiter on your profile picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ger6/what_did_the_girl_say_after_she_met_jesus_on_a/
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Grammar Nazi

A visitor to Harvard stopped a student on the Yard and asked, "Can you tell me where the library's at?"
The student replied, "At Harvard, we do not end sentences with prepositions."
The visitor thinks a moment and rephrases his question. "Can you tell me where the library's at, asshole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6gdzx/grammar_nazi/
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[NSFW] How would you call Russian and Belarusian having sex?

Interrussial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6gbaq/nsfw_how_would_you_call_russian_and_belarusian/
%
Why did Logan Paul refuse to shake Ricegums hand?

Because he always leaves asians hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6gabf/why_did_logan_paul_refuse_to_shake_ricegums_hand/
%
The Sixth Sense really shocked me.

Bruce Willis with hair?!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6g781/the_sixth_sense_really_shocked_me/
%
Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6g3ks/genie_you_have_3_wishes/
%
Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty women live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6g2y1/why_is_santa_claus_so_jolly/
%
What’s the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts?

One is under a dollar, the other’s under a Buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6g2kw/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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Went to the book store for the Christmas sale “1/3 off all titles”

I got a lovely copy of “The Lion, The Witch”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6g284/went_to_the_book_store_for_the_christmas_sale_13/
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I must admit that my sεxual desires have been getting out of hand,

but it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I realised I had hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6fxyk/i_must_admit_that_my_sεxual_desires_have_been/
%
How to impress a woman

Compliment her, cuddle her,kiss her,caress her,love her,tease her,protect her,hug her,spend money on her,care for her and stand by her,go to the ends of the earth for her...
How to impress a man :
Show up naked....with a beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6fxqu/how_to_impress_a_woman/
%
This one is just gold

Found this one while playing a game, and i honestly still can't stop laughing:
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6fv52/this_one_is_just_gold/
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I've been lucky enough to be with several women in my life...

And I've learned that when you pleasure a woman, they are much like farts.
Some are too loud, some are near silent and, when you least expect it, you'll get a squirter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6fjrw/ive_been_lucky_enough_to_be_with_several_women_in/
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A son walks in on his parents having sex NSFW

The parents see the boy and he runs off to his room.
The mother puts on her robe and goes into the boys room
The boy ask his mother what she was doing.
“You know how daddy has a big stomach? Sometimes mummy has to get on top of daddy and flatten it.”
“You’re wasting your time” says the boy.
The mother confused asks “what do you mean?”
“Well when you go to the supermarket the woman next door comes over and blows him back up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6fcd0/a_son_walks_in_on_his_parents_having_sex_nsfw/
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Life is like a box of chocolate.

I always get the disgusting, alcoholed-filled one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6f453/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolate/
%
A woman walks into a pet shop

She asks the shop owner, "I want a pet that is special above the rest" to which he replies, "I have just the one for you! You see this puppy? He is able to fly!"
Sure enough the shop owner throws the puppy into the air and it began to fly around it circles. The woman was rendered speechless and decided to buy the puppy. While paying, the shop owner told her, "But be careful about this one, if you say 'My' he will eat whatever you've mentioned. Just watch."
The shop owner threw an apple into the air and shouted, "My apple!" The puppy then proceeded to quickly devour the apple in a matter of seconds.
The woman thanked the shop owner and brought the puppy home, excited to share the news with her husband. "Look honey! I bought a puppy today, it is able to fly!"
Her husband took one look at the puppy and said, "Fly eh? My foot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6f3ae/a_woman_walks_into_a_pet_shop/
%
Joe went to his company party with his wife on Friday.

There, he had a little to much to drink and started to argue with his boss. The boss angered by Joe, fired him at the stop. Joe goes home grunting.
The next morning, Joe asked his wife what happened last night.
Wife: You got drunk and fought with your boss and got fired.
Joe: Well, fuck him!!
Wife: I did. You are going back from Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6f1am/joe_went_to_his_company_party_with_his_wife_on/
%
My Girlfriend is the sort of girl Men whistle at...

She looks like a sheep dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6f02u/my_girlfriend_is_the_sort_of_girl_men_whistle_at/
%
Why was the mafia boss surprised when the Spanish hitman missed his shot

He didn't expect the Spanish Imprecision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ez8p/why_was_the_mafia_boss_surprised_when_the_spanish/
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Good advice?

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!!♥

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6esne/good_advice/
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Politically Correct Santa

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, its price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
(c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6es6d/politically_correct_santa/
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Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?

Something inside me says yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6eim1/does_my_thai_girlfriend_have_a_penis/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6e8ag/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
My little brother (5) told me a joke that I kind of had to share.

¨Hey, sis?¨
¨Yeah?¨
¨Can I tell you this new joke I learned?¨
¨Sure, go for it!¨
¨Knock, knock!¨
¨Who is there?¨
¨Knock knock..!¨
¨Who is there?¨
And that continued for about 2 more times. Until he asked me to come closer and whispered in my ear:
¨The door, DUMMY!¨
And he quickly ran away.
¨I just stood there like ¨Oh...¨

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6e0hk/my_little_brother_5_told_me_a_joke_that_i_kind_of/
%
I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers.

We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said “Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?” One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said “it’s WALES you idiot!!!”
So I immediately said “Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6du6c/i_was_at_the_bar_the_other_night_with_my_buddy/
%
I told my boss I needed a raise...

He asked why, I told him 3 companies are after me. He asked which companies, I said Gas, Electricity, and Water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6dojk/i_told_my_boss_i_needed_a_raise/
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I wasn’t sure if my wife or my dog loved me more...

So I locked both of them in a closet for 2 hours in the dark.
When I opened it, only my dog was happy to see me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6dn35/i_wasnt_sure_if_my_wife_or_my_dog_loved_me_more/
%
Some travelers where going down a path when they stopped to ask for directions to a native...

He said," I would go that way to the forest. But, don't go this way." He said pointing to a path behind him. "There's a bacon tree." The travelers where very hungry and thought a bacon tree sounded pretty good to them. So, they ignored the native's warnings and went to the path behind him. But, all that was there was a group of robbers who came out of the bushes and killed almost everyone and made the survivors prisoners. One man managed to escape and went to the native. "There was no bacon tree! All there was was a group of robbers who took us prisoner!" "Oh. Sorry." said the native taking out his English to German dictionary. "Sorry I meant a ham-bush."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6db1o/some_travelers_where_going_down_a_path_when_they/
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I think it's just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong

especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races while competing on drugs. When I'm on drugs, I can't even find my bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6d89l/i_think_its_just_terrible_and_disgusting_how/
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Cute knock knock with a twist

My little sister (8)
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Nobody
Nobody who?
Why are you asking who’s there if nobody is there?
I really think it is intelligent of her and actually funny!
She told me to tell my Reddit friends. So...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6d55v/cute_knock_knock_with_a_twist/
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A man and a nun

A man suffered a serious heart attack . The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awoke from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
Comes a reply, "Perfect, Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6d1ll/a_man_and_a_nun/
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You know what the best part about dating a homeless girl is?

You can drop her off anywhere...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6d0dg/you_know_what_the_best_part_about_dating_a/
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A journalist went to Morocco to interview a 70-year married couple

He had heard they never had a fight, and wanted to know their secret for the happy relationship.
"Well," started the man, "on the day of our wedding, after the ceremonies were completed and all the guests left, my bride rode our donkey and I walked beside them to go back home.
"After a few minutes, the donkey slipped and nearly threw my bride off, so I said to him 'Ass, this was your first mistake'.
"An hour later, when we were in the middle of the way, he slipped once more, so I said to him 'Ass, this was your second mistake'.
"Finally, when were nearing home, he slipped once more, so I got my bride off his back, took out my shotgun, and put him down.
"My bride was hysterical, she started screaming at me and slapping me and saying she married a madman.
So I said to her 'Wife, this was your first mistake.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6d0b7/a_journalist_went_to_morocco_to_interview_a/
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My high school was so small

We had sex education and drivers education in the same car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6czio/my_high_school_was_so_small/
%
Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.
He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down the Arab to return it.
"Thank you!" exclaims the Arab, "you have saved my life, alhamdulillah! I can never repay you, but I will give you a very important piece of advice:"
The Arab leans in close and whispers into the white man's ear, "Whatever you do, do not go to Birmingham, Alabama. No matter what."
"Why?" asks the white man, "because there will be an attack or something?"
"No," replies the Arab, "because that place is a fucking shithole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6cw1h/soon_after_911_an_arab_leaves_behind_a_suitcase/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6cq2g/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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Two cannibals find a missionary in the dark....

Since it was dark and they didn't want to run into each other while they ate him, one started at the head and the other at the feet.
After a while the one who started at the top said, "Hey how you doin' down there?"
Cannibal replied, "Man, I'm havin' a ball!"
First one said, "Hey, slow down! You're eatin' too fast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ck90/two_cannibals_find_a_missionary_in_the_dark/
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What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?

Popeye nearly killed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6cja4/what_happened_when_the_pope_went_to_mount_olive/
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A man starts his new job as a miner in a far away Australian town.

The town only exists for miners, and all the miners are men.
After a month on the job the man is very horny, but with no women in town he's out of luck.
One night in the bar he's talking to his fellow miners about his situation. He asks them how they deal with the loneliness.
They tell him "we usually just ride the donkey out the back of the bar". The man is sickened, but after another month he can't bare it, and asks the bar owner if he can use the donkey. He agrees.
When he gets back into the bar, the patrons ask how was it. He replies "She put up a fight at first but eventually gave in. I feel better, but it's still weird. I don't think I'll fuck the donkey again".
The patrons look at the man side eyed and say "we usually ride the donkey to the brothel in the next town over".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6ca3t/a_man_starts_his_new_job_as_a_miner_in_a_far_away/
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Baby Yoda's first word

Probably came after his second word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6bzm5/baby_yodas_first_word/
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What do you call a one-legged hippo?

A hoppo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6btm3/what_do_you_call_a_onelegged_hippo/
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You'd think Australia would have a much bigger population

Every where you go people are mating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6bj5j/youd_think_australia_would_have_a_much_bigger/
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What do dark jokes and kids with cancer have in common?

They never grow old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6bhju/what_do_dark_jokes_and_kids_with_cancer_have_in/
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Why do women close their eyes during sex?

They hate to see you enjoying yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6bgb5/why_do_women_close_their_eyes_during_sex/
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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One says to the other “does this taste funny to you?”
The other replies “nope”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6b8wj/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
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Young native boy goes to a whore house

A young native boy goes to a whore house for his "first experience". Upon walking in he's greeted by a madam who asks his age.
He respond that he's 16 years old and she turns him away until he's at least 18.
When he turns 18 he returns to the whore house only to be greeted by the same madam. After confirming his age, she asks if he has any money. He responds that he doesn't and is turned away yet again.
After trapping and selling some pelts, the native boy returns to be greeted yet again by the madam. He confirms his age again then presents the money he's collected. The madam asks what type of experience he has but as a virgin, he responds with none. The madam explains that her girls are very experienced and requires the boy to practice somehow first.
The boy returns to the woods where he starts to " practice" using holes in trees.
He one again returns to the whore house where he is greeted yet again by the madam. He confirms his age, presents his money, and explains where he got his experience.
The madam felt he's met her requirements and assigns him to a room with her newest girl.
After a few moments she starts to hear the girl crying out. Unsure of what what taking place she ran upstairs and in to the room.
When she entered she say the girl on all fours and the boy standing behind her kicking her. The madam immediately screamed out "what the he'll do you think you're doing!" Where the native boy responded ... "checking for squirles"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6b44b/young_native_boy_goes_to_a_whore_house/
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I have a fetish for figuring things out

I just came to that realisation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6axv6/i_have_a_fetish_for_figuring_things_out/
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A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris...

A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris when it encountered some heavy turbulence over the Atlantic. The captain has a decade of flying under his belt and manages to get through the turbulence without any major incidents.
He then switches on the intercom and says, “This is your captain speaking. Sorry for the bumpy ride but the worst is behind us. We should have smooth journey from now on”.
The captain forgets to switch off intercom, and turns to co-pilot and says, “Phew, that was exhausting. I could use a hot coffee and a blowjob right now”. This was of course heard by all the passengers in the cabin.
The head stewardess quickly starts making her way to the cockpit to inform the captain of his folly. Seeing this, one of the passengers called after her, “Don’t forget the coffee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6amtj/a_boeing_777_was_flying_from_new_york_to_paris/
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What do you call it when far away, where the earth touches the sky, a prostitute stands up?

Ho risin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6akhz/what_do_you_call_it_when_far_away_where_the_earth/
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Whats the cheapest type of meat you can buy?

Deer testicles, they're just under a Buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6a6um/whats_the_cheapest_type_of_meat_you_can_buy/
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My 5 yr old made up a joke: why didn’t the hair brush work?

Because it was a chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6a6j9/my_5_yr_old_made_up_a_joke_why_didnt_the_hair/
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The secret code

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!"
"Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?"
Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6a5yf/the_secret_code/
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I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places

He told me to stay away from those two places

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e69ses/i_told_my_doctor_i_broke_my_arm_in_two_places/
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I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, annoyed, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e69obb/i_was_sitting_on_the_toilet_exhausted_annoyed_and/
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Why did the wet shirt feel betrayed?

Because it was hung out to dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e69lgz/why_did_the_wet_shirt_feel_betrayed/
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Why is the sea so salty?

Because the land never waves back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e69lam/why_is_the_sea_so_salty/
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They say 30% of Australians are casual racists

The other 70% are full time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e69kuq/they_say_30_of_australians_are_casual_racists/
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Me: Sweet dog you got there

Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.
Me: Still in training, huh?
Policeman: What do you mean?
Me: Nevermind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e69bme/me_sweet_dog_you_got_there/
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How do you view posts from two years ago in r/jokes?

Sort by hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e69a36/how_do_you_view_posts_from_two_years_ago_in_rjokes/
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Why is the mushroom always invited to parties

Because he's a fun guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e690sj/why_is_the_mushroom_always_invited_to_parties/
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Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?

**Best Buy employee:** a cord?
**Me:** no it's a Civic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e68za9/do_you_have_a_usb_wire_thingy_so_i_can_charge_my/
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There's a name for people who judge others solely on how they look

Opticians!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e68ywq/theres_a_name_for_people_who_judge_others_solely/
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What do you call a kangaroo that's exhausted from trespassing?

Out of bounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e68swz/what_do_you_call_a_kangaroo_thats_exhausted_from/
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Why doesn’t Santa have any children?

Because he only comes once a year and it’s down a chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e68p04/why_doesnt_santa_have_any_children/
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What’s its called when you give a hooker $100 and she gives you back $20?

Sex Change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e68nwc/whats_its_called_when_you_give_a_hooker_100_and/
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There was a fly above a river

A fish sees the fly and thinks "If it comes down about 3 inches lower I can jump up and eat it". A bear sees the fly and the fish and thinks "if the that fly goes a few more inches lower, the fish will jump to get it and I can snag the fish in the air". A hunter who's been tracking the bear for some time doesn't have a clear shot but sees the fly, fish and bear and thinks "if that fly goes a little lower the fish will jump, the bear will move for the fish giving me a clear shot". A mouse sees a sandwich dangling out of the hunters pocket and sees the fly, fish and bear and thinks "if that fly goes a little lower the fish will jump, the bear will attack and when the hunter shoots the recoil should make the sandwich fall". A cat sees the mouse, sandwich, bear, fish and fly and thinks "if that fly goes down a couple more inches, the fish will jump, the bear will attack, the hunter will shoot, the sandwich will fall, the mouse will go for the sandwich giving me a chance to pounce". Thwn it happened. The fly came down about 3 inches, the fish jumped to eat it, the bear went for the fish, the hunter took his shot and the sandwich fell, the mouse went for the sandwich. Unfortunately, the cat overshot his jump and landed in the water. The moral of the story is, when the fly drops 3 inches pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e68lkm/there_was_a_fly_above_a_river/
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e68h1d/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
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My family held an intervention for me today...

They say I'm addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers,  I said I can quit cold Turkey whenever I want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e68a2f/my_family_held_an_intervention_for_me_today/
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A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom...

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e684n8/a_man_sees_a_lady_in_a_bar_with_a_large_bosom/
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A midget walks into a brothel NSFW

A midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb under his arm and a donkey following closely behind.  He asks the head mistress for a woman for the evening as his wife had left him.
She says "sure thing but I gotta ask, what's with the honeycomb and the donkey?".
He says "well, my wife found a genie's lamp and her first wish was a home fit for a queen and she ended up with a honeycomb.  Then she asked for the nicest ass ever and so she got this very well behaved donkey".
The mistress asks about the third wish and the midget says she wished I had a dick that hung past my knee.
She says "well that doesnt sound so bad".
"It wouldn't be that bad except I used to be 6' 3".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e67ovz/a_midget_walks_into_a_brothel_nsfw/
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What did the Nut say when it was chasing the other Nut?

I'm a cashew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e67o72/what_did_the_nut_say_when_it_was_chasing_the/
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What sex position is for couples who don't like each other?

96

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e67m9b/what_sex_position_is_for_couples_who_dont_like/
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duck walks into a bar and puts down his tool bag

the bar tender is speechless. He’s even more amazed when the duck orders a drink. the same thing happens the next day. same routine. the duck walks in, puts down his tool bag, takes a seat, orders a drink. after a week of this the barman works up the courage and says to the duck “I hope you don’t mind but there was a news reporter in here yesterday and they would like to make a feature about you”. the duck looks surprised and says “what the fuck do they want with a plumber?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e67ega/duck_walks_into_a_bar_and_puts_down_his_tool_bag/
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What did the communists use before candles?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e671sh/what_did_the_communists_use_before_candles/
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My 7 year old daughters new favourite joke..

Daughter - Mum, will you always and forever remember my name?
Me - Yes.....?
Daughter - knock, knock..
Me - who's there?
Daughter - you said you'd always remember my name!
(Daughter walks off in a theatrical sulk.
It's been a week.. I still fall for it almost daily.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e670q3/my_7_year_old_daughters_new_favourite_joke/
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Castrations and Vasectomies are not the same

In fact, there can be a vas deferens between the two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e66s8z/castrations_and_vasectomies_are_not_the_same/
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An Elderly British Couple Takes a Trip to Australia

After seeing the beaches and tourist attractions they decided to rent a car to go and see the Outback. They ask the man at the rental car counter if it's a pleasant drive, and he assures them that it is beautiful and they'll have a lovely time.
After several hours the couple storm into the rental office, angrily throw down their keys, and begin to berate the rental clerk.
Wife: What kind of awful place is this? As soon as we left town we saw a man having sex with a kangaroo! It was not even 20 minutes later when we stopped and saw a one legged man looking at us and masturbating in the open!
Rental clerk: Ma'am I'm sorry you've had such an awful experience! But please understand, it is very difficult for a one legged man to be able to catch a 'roo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e66s66/an_elderly_british_couple_takes_a_trip_to/
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Did you hear the story about the guy who was caught masturbating in a theater box?

It was quite a tier jerker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e66l2r/did_you_hear_the_story_about_the_guy_who_was/
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Why doesn’t KFC have any toilet paper in the bathrooms?

Because it’s finger licking good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e66l27/why_doesnt_kfc_have_any_toilet_paper_in_the/
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where can’t you buy a large soda?

minnesota

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e66hnp/where_cant_you_buy_a_large_soda/
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I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e66fee/i_sexually_identify_as_a_witch_doctor/
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What do you call it when you pull a practical joke on a pirate?

A plank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e66bis/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_pull_a_practical/
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If a film series goes on long enough, there's bound to be a bad movie.

However, both of the godfather movies are amazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e66b4a/if_a_film_series_goes_on_long_enough_theres_bound/
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My girlfriend and I vowed to never have sex until marriage. We both have kept our word to this day

I just dont know how to break it to the kids, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e664d3/my_girlfriend_and_i_vowed_to_never_have_sex_until/
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A bit concerned...

The boss wondered why an employee was absent but had not phoned in sick. Needing to have an urgent problem resolved, he dialed the employee's phone and was greeted with a child's whisper. *"Hello?"*
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
*"Yes,"* whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, *"No."*
Surprised, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" *"Yes"*
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, *"No"*
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
*"Yes,"* whispered the child, *"a policeman."*
Worried what a cop would there for, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
*"No, he's busy,"* whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
*"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,"* came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
*"A helicopter"*
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly concerned.
The child answered, *"The search team just landed a helicopter"*
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..***. "ME"***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6644p/a_bit_concerned/
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I searched Google images for examples of Rorschach tests...

But all I found were pictures of my dad hitting me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e662r1/i_searched_google_images_for_examples_of/
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Looking dog tired...

A three-legged dog walks into a Texas saloon, spurs clinking as he walks. His six-shooter slapping against his furry hip, he bellies up to the bar staring down the bartender and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e65zud/looking_dog_tired/
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Brazillian

During his daily security briefing this morning, Trump was advised by an aide that three Brazilian peacekeepers had been killed in Iraq the day before.
To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Trump's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked the aide, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e65w5o/brazillian/
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Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can ho ho ho.
Probably been posted, but made me chuckle and is a goody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e65vjx/why_does_santa_have_three_gardens/
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Why is Germany the most grateful country?

Because in WWII they sent their tanks in advance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e65v56/why_is_germany_the_most_grateful_country/
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What do you call a dangerous precipitation?

Rain of terror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e65ucz/what_do_you_call_a_dangerous_precipitation/
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Day at the Club

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on the bench rings. A man answers on speakerphone and begins talking. The other guys listen in.
**MAN:** Hello.
**WOMAN:** Honey it's me. Are you at the club?
**MAN:** Yes.
**WOMAN**: I'm at the mall now, and found this beautiful leather coat.It's only $1000. Is it OK if I buy it?
**MAN:** Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
**WOMAN**: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2020 models. I saw one I really liked.
**MAN**: How much?
**WOMAN**: $90,000.
**MAN**: For that price I want it with all the options!
**WOMAN**: Great! And one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000!
**MAN**: Well then go ahead and give them an offer for $900,000. They'llprobably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50,000. It's clearly a pretty good price.
**WOMAN**: OK, I'll see later! I love you so much!
**MAN**: Bye. I love you too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He smiles, and says, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e65pme/day_at_the_club/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes, who?
This is Sean Connery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e65iwh/knock_knock/
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Why do men tend to die before women?

Because they want to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e65ij3/why_do_men_tend_to_die_before_women/
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Did you hear about the the tree that fell in the forest?

I guess you had to be there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e65ddi/did_you_hear_about_the_the_tree_that_fell_in_the/
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What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snow woman?

Snow balls!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6585n/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a_snow/
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Why can't women have sex more than 6 days in a row?

Because 7 days makes a hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e657gu/why_cant_women_have_sex_more_than_6_days_in_a_row/
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What's the difference between a nun in a Chapel and a nun in the bath?

One has a soul full of hope, the other has a hole full of soap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6579x/whats_the_difference_between_a_nun_in_a_chapel/
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Why did teen electrician got struck by lightning?

Because his parents grounded him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e650wp/why_did_teen_electrician_got_struck_by_lightning/
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A Brand New Car

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a lottery ticket to win a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car!! We all cried, especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity and my dad beat the crap out of me again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e64o4e/a_brand_new_car/
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Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?

Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e64lcc/why_did_sean_connery_adopt_a_cat/
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So i was at the barbershop the other day.

While i was being cut an old man came in.
"Listen", he said. "I need someone to trim my sideburns. I can't do it myself anymore because i got so many wrinkles and shaky hands."
"No problem", said the barber. "You're not the first one with this problem old friend, just keep this small wooden ball in your mouth and press it against your cheek while i trim your sideburns there."
So the man takes the wooden ball in his mouth and follows the barber's directions.
"Well i'll be damned! This is the cleanest shave i've had in years", cries the old man.
"i've got to ask though", said the old man. "What would've happened if i accidentally swallowed the ball?".
"Oh not a problem", said the barber. "It happens quiete often. People just return the ball the next day".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e64l54/so_i_was_at_the_barbershop_the_other_day/
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In his job, my dad's never lost a case.

That makes him Heathrow's top baggage handler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e64ddb/in_his_job_my_dads_never_lost_a_case/
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Here’s a science joke

Two atoms are running around the city. Suddenly the first atom crashes into the second one while running to get the train. “Sorry” the first atom said as he help pick up the second atoms things. “Are you ok?” Said the first atom. “Yea, but I think I’ve lost an electron” replied the second atom “are you sure?” asked the first atom “Yea, I’m positive”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e64d5o/heres_a_science_joke/
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NSFW I got a blowjob today,

They where hiring product testers at the balloon factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e64avj/nsfw_i_got_a_blowjob_today/
%
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6488n/why_dont_you_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.

One said to the other:
"Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"
"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss.
"Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"
"Intelligence," the boss said.
"What do you mean, intelligence?"
"Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand at the last moment and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said:
"That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger then went back to his hole and his friend asked:
"What did he say?"
"He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said:
"Let me show you. Take your shovel and hit my hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e644m4/two_men_were_digging_a_ditch_on_a_very_hot_day/
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Saw an office sign the other day, it said Ditcher, Quick & Hyde...

...Divorce lawyers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e640gk/saw_an_office_sign_the_other_day_it_said_ditcher/
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I saw this movie about an orca and a kid.

It was like willy willy touching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e63wtx/i_saw_this_movie_about_an_orca_and_a_kid/
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How does the nasa organize a party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e63txz/how_does_the_nasa_organize_a_party/
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In Moscow, between the '80s and the '90s

Two friends are waiting in the breadline, when one of them says:
"Ugh, I can't take it anymore, we're waiting from 4 hours and still nothing."
"Yeah, and so? What are you gonna do?"
"Know what? Let's end all this! I'm gonna kill Gorbachëv!"
And he walks away.
After some time, he returns to his friend.
"So? Did you kill him?"
"No! The line there is even longer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e63khs/in_moscow_between_the_80s_and_the_90s/
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I was considering losing weight for my new year's resolution.

But I decided not to think less of myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e635ia/i_was_considering_losing_weight_for_my_new_years/
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"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6315g/forgive_me_father_for_i_have_sinned/
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I love eating glow worms

Especially as a light snack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e62zvu/i_love_eating_glow_worms/
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I would tell a binary joke but...

01000010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 10000000011001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01101011 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101101 01110000 01110101 01110100 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e62tc4/i_would_tell_a_binary_joke_but/
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What spell did Harry Potter use to cure constipation?

Expelianus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e62nir/what_spell_did_harry_potter_use_to_cure/
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Jesus can walk on the water, babies are 86% water, I can walk ln babies, therefore I am...

In Prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e62anp/jesus_can_walk_on_the_water_babies_are_86_water_i/
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Life is like a box of chocolates...

... it doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e62af4/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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THE COFFIN

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything...
All he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...
.
.
.
...the coffin stops!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e62a4w/the_coffin/
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As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e628e0/as_a_scarecrow_people_say_im_outstanding_in_my/
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No? Huh, you must be out of the loop.

Hey, did you hear about the guy stuck in a time paradox?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e625ee/no_huh_you_must_be_out_of_the_loop/
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What do you call a Vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from the blood bank?

A cab!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6241y/what_do_you_call_a_vampire_whose_car_breaks_down/
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Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6213u/why_cant_atheists_solve_exponential_equations/
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A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.

There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”
Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.”
The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him.
The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.”
Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt.
After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having gotten a blow job.”
Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off.
As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.”
The boy shouts “just a little longer next time dad!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e61xwc/a_beautiful_woman_is_sitting_next_to_a_teenage/
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I fucked my disabled sister in an elevator..

..that was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e61vfs/i_fucked_my_disabled_sister_in_an_elevator/
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Iceland is only a C away from Ireland.

I’m sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e61u07/iceland_is_only_a_c_away_from_ireland/
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What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius?

0 K boomer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e61q4o/what_do_you_call_something_that_explodes_at_27315/
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Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here

Him: Knock, knock
Me: Who's there?
Him: Idiot
Me: Idiot who?
Him: IDIOT YOU!!
He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e61p1e/sorry_my_4y_old_brother_wanted_me_to_tell_this/
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Australian Passport control just asked me if I had a criminal record

Didn't know I still needed one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e61fca/australian_passport_control_just_asked_me_if_i/
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My wife said women are better at multitasking than men

So i told her to sit down and shut up.
She was incapable of doing either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e61f9k/my_wife_said_women_are_better_at_multitasking/
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What do you called a blind German?

A not-see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e6177v/what_do_you_called_a_blind_german/
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What did the misogynist say when his wife got pregnant?

Bun's in the dishwasher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e614p8/what_did_the_misogynist_say_when_his_wife_got/
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Y'all probably will hate me for this. Spoiler alert for Frozen II.

In the first movie Anna was Frozen
Now in the second movie Elsa is frozen too (Frozen 2)
I'm sorry I shall take my leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e60xun/yall_probably_will_hate_me_for_this_spoiler_alert/
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Who are the world’s most eco-friendly people?

Redditors. The number of posts they recycle everyday is phenomenal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e60vb6/who_are_the_worlds_most_ecofriendly_people/
%
It's hard to be a bartender when you are shy

You always have to break the ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e60t2y/its_hard_to_be_a_bartender_when_you_are_shy/
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What's the difference between a wife and a vacuum cleaner? [NSFW]

The vacuum still sucks after a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e60p3j/whats_the_difference_between_a_wife_and_a_vacuum/
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I used to feel like life was in the palm of my hand

I also used to jack off a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e60nol/i_used_to_feel_like_life_was_in_the_palm_of_my/
%
Just started using Tinder and my success rate is amazing!

Apparently I am completely unmatched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e60i2u/just_started_using_tinder_and_my_success_rate_is/
%
Vaseline is my Choice of lube during sex

I smear it on the door knob so she can't escape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e60h1y/vaseline_is_my_choice_of_lube_during_sex/
%
True Story: Ex dating guy with disabled daughter

My ex girlfriend, who I dated for a year and a half, dumped me and started dating a new guy about 3 weeks later.
He happens to have a daughter with Down syndrome, and I feel bad for the guy because now he has to take care of that retard and his daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e60bhz/true_story_ex_dating_guy_with_disabled_daughter/
%
Why working in the mine sucks?

Because even when you die, you only rest for 3 days before being back underground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e603uw/why_working_in_the_mine_sucks/
%
Financial studies are too hard.

I always lose interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5zzsx/financial_studies_are_too_hard/
%
Pyramids were not the tallest structures in Egypt...

They were just medium height, between the Pyrahighs, and Pyralows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5zya3/pyramids_were_not_the_tallest_structures_in_egypt/
%
To be or not to be a horse rider....

.....that is Equestrian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5zv2f/to_be_or_not_to_be_a_horse_rider/
%
A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?"  Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
"No..."
"Well, you can't have any."
Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?"  Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
"No..."
"Well, you can't have any."
The goes into the kitchen and is eating cookies when his Grandpa walks in.
"Can I have a cookie?", asks Grandpa.
"Can your dick touch your asshole?"
Grandpa says, "As a matter of fact, it can!"
The little boy replies, "Well then you can go fuck yourself.  These are MY cookies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5znjg/a_little_boy_sees_his_grandpa_smoking_weed/
%
So Gary goes to prison...

One Friday, Gary is walking around the courtyard checking the place out, he notices a a huge group of the inmates gathered around in a circle. Curious, he walks up to group and asks someone what's happening.
"Every Friday we get together and tell jokes. We've got some good ones. Check it out."
An inmate steps into the circle and says, "17."
The group erupts in laughter.
Gary doesn't get it. He asks what's so funny about 17.
"Well we've been telling the same jokes for so long, we've just started numbering them to save time."
Another inmate steps in and can barely hold his laughter. "290."
A couple of the guys in the group are rolling around with tears in their eyes. Another is vomitting from laughing so hard. One of them points to Gary. "Hey new guy, come tell us a joke."
Gary nervously steps into the circle and says "61". Nobody laughs.
"Try again new guy! You can do it!" He hears from somewhere in the crowd.
With a bit more confidence, Gary yells out "277!!"
Silence. He doesn't understand. He goes to the guy who invited him in. "Why didn't anybody laugh?"
He puts his hand on Gary's shoulder. "Sorry, man. Some people just can't tell jokes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5zmm4/so_gary_goes_to_prison/
%
The man and the crocodile

A man walked into a bar that was offering a £10,000 reward for anyone who completed a 3 part challenge. The man was homeless and poor so agreed to the challenge. The bar owner explained all he had to do was 10 shots, then head out back where he had to remove the sore tooth from a crocodiles mouth. Finally upstairs he had to make a woman who has never had an orgasm in her life despite endless efforts reach the point or orgasm.
The man completed the shots easily as he was an alcoholic, he then went to the crocodile and closed the door behind him. There was screaming, grunting and shouting coming from outisde, everyone in the bar was horrified. After about 20 minutes the homeless man walks back in covered in blood and scars and says, "so where's the girl with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5zm53/the_man_and_the_crocodile/
%
Never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5zkz9/never_date_a_tennis_player/
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“Never Apologise! Never Explain!”

Sorry, that’s my motto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5zkp1/never_apologise_never_explain/
%
Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road

When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.
I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ever see. If I were you I would have kick the dog's butt instead of rewarding it.
The blind gentleman says: Yes, so would I normally. But I first have to figure out which end is the butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5z967/today_i_see_a_blind_gentleman_and_his_seeing_eye/
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I think my parents are the funniest people in the world

They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5z4q9/i_think_my_parents_are_the_funniest_people_in_the/
%
I'm scared of aggressive anal sex

Because it's dangerous ass fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5z2a6/im_scared_of_aggressive_anal_sex/
%
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple.
But it had extremely limited memory.
Just 1 byte.
Then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5z1gz/the_oldest_computer_can_be_traced_back_to_adam/
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If Germany is fatherland and Russia is mother land

Then WW2 is domestic violence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ysct/if_germany_is_fatherland_and_russia_is_mother_land/
%
Your eyes

When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils.
They dilate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5yp29/your_eyes/
%
What kind of chocolate do you find in the fluff catcher in a dryer?

Lindt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ynbn/what_kind_of_chocolate_do_you_find_in_the_fluff/
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Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days ?

Dunno, they just seem a bit shady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ykqu/why_do_trees_seem_suspicious_on_sunny_days/
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What does a fat white woman and a pile of bricks have in common?

Sooner or later they will both get laid by a Mexican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5yk1r/what_does_a_fat_white_woman_and_a_pile_of_bricks/
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My sister always said she’d go down in history. But I didn't believe her.

Looking back, that’s probably why she got such good marks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5yg7j/my_sister_always_said_shed_go_down_in_history_but/
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How do you sneak up on celery?

You stalk it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5yfn5/how_do_you_sneak_up_on_celery/
%
I just realized that everyone tries to avoid me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5yeg9/i_just_realized_that_everyone_tries_to_avoid_me/
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How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama?

One Mississippi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5y801/how_long_does_it_take_to_get_from_louisiana_to/
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[NSFW]The legend of the King sperm

So one day, all the sperm in a guy’s nuts were having a meeting.
“We always wait for our moment to shine, our shot to glory land, to do our mission, but we get stopped by the latex barrier! We never get to fulfill our duty!”
Thousands of sperm moaned and complained.
“But today, we have our secret weapon, our King sperm is going to lead the charge. His special horn on his head will break us free of that latex monster and bring us to Valhalla! My fellow soldiers, be ready and follow the charge of the king sperm! ”
Thousands of sperm roar in delight.
The sperm wait and days go by until finally...
“The time has come! Fellow soldiers, follow me!” yells the King sperm as he charges head first. All the sperm follow and everyone shoots forward.
As the King sperm, charging first, shoots out of the man’s penis, he uses his pointy horn to break the condom and succeeds!
Ecstatic with glee, he screams:
“We are through! We are finally going to find — **OH SHIT!**”
...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5y426/nsfwthe_legend_of_the_king_sperm/
%
My eye doctor just told me my eyesight is so perfect I can see into next year!

He called it “2020 Vision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5xwqv/my_eye_doctor_just_told_me_my_eyesight_is_so/
%
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter.  He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters.  When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail.  He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from.  He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address.  Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient.  He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.
The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up.  He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it.  The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.
*Ding-dong, ding-dong.  Ding-dong, ding-dong.  Ding-dong, Ding-dong.*
The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.
“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”
“Ah, my letter.  Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated.  Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.
“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”
“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk.  “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5xvtq/a_mailman_notices_a_mailbox_with_the_flag_up/
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A castrated dog chases a cat

The cat climbs up a tree and says :
"You don't have the balls to kill me! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5xv22/a_castrated_dog_chases_a_cat/
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My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work...

I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5xr17/my_husband_called_and_asked_if_i_could_be_naked/
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The word for today is "legs"

Help spread the word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5xmou/the_word_for_today_is_legs/
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Why was the 19 year old smoker in a bad mood?

He was having a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5xhza/why_was_the_19_year_old_smoker_in_a_bad_mood/
%
Salty Pete The Pirate

So, Salty Pete the pirate hobbles into the bar one night. I mean, he's so piratey. He's got a parrot on his shoulder, an eye patch, the peg leg and hook for a hand, and he for some reason has the helm of his ship stuck to his nether regions.
Anyway, he hobbles up to the bar and tosses down a gold doubloon and orders up a pint. The bartender obliges and tosses a beer down to the pirate.
He drinks it quietly while his parrot squawks away. He orders a few more beers and mutters to himself for a while.
The pirate gets up leave after some time, but the bartender can't resist and yells out... "hey Salty Pete, I see you've got the helm of your ship there... uh, stuck to your.... well, stuck to your pecker! what's up with that?"   To which salty Pete replies, "arrr, can't ye see? It's been drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5xh2q/salty_pete_the_pirate/
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There's only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will understand this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5xc9c/theres_only_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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Two Irish men walk out of a bar...

...yes, it happens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5xb70/two_irish_men_walk_out_of_a_bar/
%
I was going to make a joke about sculptures and breasts, but it I thought it would be lame...

Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5x2sw/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_sculptures_and/
%
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.

Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5wybz/working_at_an_unemployment_office_must_be_so_tense/
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death row

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5wv9x/death_row/
%
What do you get when you spell "Man" backwards?

PTSD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5wt0w/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
%
A group of 5 college freshmen are going away for holiday by train when they runs into another group of 5 seniors that are taking the same train.

Both groups goes into the ticket booth. The freshmen purchased 5 tickets while the seniors only purchased 1 ticket for the entire group. Puzzled, the freshmen ask the seniors why the other four of them doesn't have any tickets. The seniors simply say: you will see.
On the train when the train attendant comes to check the tickets, all 5 of the seniors run into a single toilet cubicle and lock the door. The train attendant knocks on the toilet door and says: ticket please. One of the seniors extends his hand under the toilet door and presents the ticket. The attendant checks the ticket and leaves.
On their way home, the freshmen decides to do the same thing as the seniors. They goes to the ticket booth and get 1 ticket only. But this time the seniors buy no ticket at all. When asked, they told the freshmen: you will see.
On the train home, all freshmen rush to squeeze into one toilet cubicle. After that, one of the seniors goes to knock on the door and says: ticket please...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5wfi8/a_group_of_5_college_freshmen_are_going_away_for/
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This joke is really dumb but it still won me the joke competition.

It was the dumb best joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5wbaj/this_joke_is_really_dumb_but_it_still_won_me_the/
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How to deal with black bears and brown bears when hiking.

1. Always wear bells to warn the bears you are coming and not startle them into a charge.
2. Always carry bear mace and spray it in the air towards the bear because they have sensitive noses.
3. Always inspect bear droppings to tell what kind of bears are nearby. Black bear droppings mostly have berries and plants. Brown bear droppings contain bells and smell like pepper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5vwch/how_to_deal_with_black_bears_and_brown_bears_when/
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The human sperm cell contains around 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25 ml and takes 5 seconds. Therefore the average bandwidth of the human penis is about 1687 TB/s

I know, I know that’s a lot of information to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5vv0t/the_human_sperm_cell_contains_around_375_mb_of/
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What’s easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5v3bo/whats_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
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The Difference Between Heaven And Hell

In Heaven ...
The British are the police
The French are the cooks
The Swiss are the government
The Italians are the lovers
The Germans are the mechanics
In Hell ...
The British are the cooks
The French are the government
The Swiss are the lovers
The Italians are the mechanics
The Germans are the police

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5v1tu/the_difference_between_heaven_and_hell/
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A man walks into a library.

He goes up to the desk and says to the librarian, “Hi, I’d like a cheeseburger, a large fries and a coke please.” The librarian looks at him funny, and says, “this is a library!” The man says, “Oh sorry,” and then whispers “I’d like a cheeseburger, a large fries and a coke please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5uyxl/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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A termite walks into a bar.....

and asks "where is the bar tender?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5uyrh/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why can Doctor Who never help himself out in the past?

It would make a pair of docs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5uc1o/why_can_doctor_who_never_help_himself_out_in_the/
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What's the difference between a prostitute and the American health system?

Nothing. They both f*ck around with you and do absolutely nothing unless you pay them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ubkc/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_the/
%
Which city has the sluttiest girls?

Lahore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5u2g9/which_city_has_the_sluttiest_girls/
%
Why did 1/5 get a massage?

Because he was 2/10s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5tp5t/why_did_15_get_a_massage/
%
Walking past a farm, I saw a sign that said: 'Duck, eggs'.

I thought: "That's a funny place for a comma" -then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5tlah/walking_past_a_farm_i_saw_a_sign_that_said_duck/
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Two kids go shopping

One day a cashier sees two little boys come up to her register one much older than the other who was little more than a toddler.  The oldest plops a package of tampons on the counter.
The cashier asks “Are you buying these for your mommy?”
The older boy said “No”.
The cashier confused asks “are you buying these for your sister?”
The boy said “no”
The cashier even more confused asks”then who are you buying these for?”
The boy said”My little brother”
The cashier really confused now ask”Why on earth would you buy these for your brother?”
The boy replied “The commercial says that with these you can ride a bike, swim, or figure skate and he can’t do any of those things now”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5tj95/two_kids_go_shopping/
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I'm going to hell

When I'm at hospitals I put half eaten sandwiches in coma patients hands, to give their family hope....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5t5f1/im_going_to_hell/
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One day, a young deer named Frank Lee went out with his mother...

As they were carrying on with their daily business, they came across a river with a beaver building a dam.
The young deer asked his mother, “Why is the beaver building a dam?”
His mother responded, “Not for long. Watch and learn, son.”
The mother then proceeded to destroy and wreak havoc on the dam the beaver had built, destroying it in the process. All the branches and sticks were gone with the wind.
Frank Lee was distraught and started to panic. “You didn’t have to do that, mother!”
The mother calmly responded, “Frank Lee, my deer, I don't give a dam.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5syxx/one_day_a_young_deer_named_frank_lee_went_out/
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The new employee.

This guy just started at his new job, working at an adult shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? "
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before. "She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman says, "I think I did good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5sygy/the_new_employee/
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A boy holding duct tape walks by an old man on a bench

The old man says, "what're you doing with that duct tape?" The boy replies saying, "I'm going to go catch some ducks." The old man says, "you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough, the boys comes back later holding a bunch of ducks wrapped in duct tape.
The next day the boy passes the old man holding chicken wire. The old man asks what he has chicken wire for and the boy says he's going to catch some chickens. The old man tells him that he can't, and 4 hours later the boy comes back with a bunch of chickens wrapped in chicken wire.
The day after, the kid comes by with a plant in a pot. The old man asks, "what's that you got there?" The boy replies saying, "it's a pussy willow." The old man then says, "wait right there imma get my hat I'm coming with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5swy6/a_boy_holding_duct_tape_walks_by_an_old_man_on_a/
%
Why is gender like the Twin Towers?

There used to be two, and now it's a sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5sws0/why_is_gender_like_the_twin_towers/
%
Christmas Pro Tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. When your kids act up, throw one in the fireplace.

"But what do I do when I run out of kids?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5sqt7/christmas_pro_tip_wrap_empty_boxes_and_put_them/
%
What do you call an old man with his hearing aids turned off?

Anything you want, he can't hear you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5sq33/what_do_you_call_an_old_man_with_his_hearing_aids/
%
Why can’t girls play hockey?

Because their pads only last one period!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5sp1m/why_cant_girls_play_hockey/
%
The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years

That's a long time considering they're working around the clock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5sjv7/the_repairs_on_big_ben_are_expected_to_take_3/
%
I really love playing my Nintendo Switch on the bus during my commute to work.

Ensures plenty of Mii time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5sf0d/i_really_love_playing_my_nintendo_switch_on_the/
%
My girlfriend turned to me in bed and threw this curveball at me.

She asked, "Would you ever consider adoption?"
I replied, "Only if you got pregnant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5s5cp/my_girlfriend_turned_to_me_in_bed_and_threw_this/
%
What do you call Santa after he declares bankruptcy?

Saint Nickeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5s31f/what_do_you_call_santa_after_he_declares/
%
A Mexican man, a Chinese man, and a black man escape from prison ..

They nearly escape being chased by dogs and come to a farm that produces fruit. They knock on the door and tell the farmer please hide us we just escaped from prison and we will do anything!  The farmer says alright I’ll hide you here as long as you labor for me for one day and do exactly as I say, they gladly agree.            The next day the farmer wakes them up bright and early he says I want you to go out in my fields you can each take a tractor and wagon I want you to pick 30 of your favorite fruit and return back here , they look at each other puzzled but they agree.
They go out into the fields and start picking fruits first back is the Mexican man with 30 grapes, the farmer says ok son drop your pants and shove them all up your asshole he pulls out a shotgun and he says if you don’t get them all up there you’re going to get it the man gets 29 grapes up his butt hole and just as he gets the last one in he starts to chuckle and  one falls out BAM! farmer blows his head off and throws his body in the compost bin.
Next back is the Chinese man with 30 apples, the farmer says all right son drop your pants and shove them all up your ass he pulls out a shotgun and explains just as he did to the Mexican man earlier. The Chinese man proceeds to shove 29 apples up his ass and starts to chuckle when he gets to the 30th the farmer picks up a shot gun on aims between his eyes. He says I don’t know what the hell is so funny !? The Mexican guy laughed at number 29 too! The Chinese guy replies..
“The black guy is out there picking 30 watermelons”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5rv7s/a_mexican_man_a_chinese_man_and_a_black_man/
%
My wife told me she's leaving me over my only fools and horses obsession.

I said I'll get my suitcase from the van.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5rqb9/my_wife_told_me_shes_leaving_me_over_my_only/
%
What did the gender-neutral gold miner say to their foreman?

“There’s gold in them/their hills.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5re5q/what_did_the_genderneutral_gold_miner_say_to/
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What do a guy who likes fruit and a cannibalistic Central American who can’t pronounce the letter G have in common?

They both love eating Watahmalans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ranl/what_do_a_guy_who_likes_fruit_and_a_cannibalistic/
%
What size bra did Euclid's wife wear?

A because he only worked with flat surfaces

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5r625/what_size_bra_did_euclids_wife_wear/
%
Husband and wife meet again in Heaven.

Wife says 'Here we are together again'.
Husband says 'Screw that! the deal was til death do us part!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5r3lr/husband_and_wife_meet_again_in_heaven/
%
What is the difference between Mount Everest and a giant cock?

Whether you choke when reaching the top or the base

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5qu79/what_is_the_difference_between_mount_everest_and/
%
A man died this morning when he fell asleep and drown in his oversized coffee mug. But he didn't suffer

it was instant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5qtfg/a_man_died_this_morning_when_he_fell_asleep_and/
%
A Kamikaze pilot is teaching a bunch of students and he says...

“Look carefully I’m only going to do this once”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5qgbd/a_kamikaze_pilot_is_teaching_a_bunch_of_students/
%
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5qbfz/a_woman_driving_along_at_speed_passed_over_a/
%
A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.  The panda eats the sandwich, whips out a pistol, and shoots the waiter dead. As he is walking towards the exit, the bartender yells “HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU DIDNT PAY FOR THAT SANDWICH AND YOU JUST SHOT MY WAITER!”
The panda bear just yells out “I’m a panda bear! Look it up!” and walks out the door.
Confused, the bartender grabs his dictionary and looks up the definition of“panda”:
“A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats chutes and leaves.”
Sorry if it’s a repost but this one has always been a favorite of mine so I thought I’d share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5q6x6/a_panda_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you get when you put a duck in a cement mixer ?

Quacks in the pavement !
(Sokay Imma know which door to go though)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5pzog/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_a_duck_in_a_cement/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5pxui/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_out_of_the_boat/
%
What's the difference between a oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5pxeg/whats_the_difference_between_a_oral_and_a_rectal/
%
What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5pny3/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_came_out_of_the/
%
I created a website for orphans,

but forgot to make a homepage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5plca/i_created_a_website_for_orphans/
%
When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils.

They dilate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5phnw/when_you_die_the_last_part_of_your_body_to_stop/
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What did the guy with diarrhea say to his wife?

I really need to get my shit together...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5p5pn/what_did_the_guy_with_diarrhea_say_to_his_wife/
%
My boss told me to have a good day....

So I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5oz30/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
%
Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5owqx/gorilla_removal_service/
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Why do Chinese people have Chinese babies?

Because two wongs don’t make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5oom5/why_do_chinese_people_have_chinese_babies/
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If all the men in the world just came together

We would have an ocean of sperm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5on1z/if_all_the_men_in_the_world_just_came_together/
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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says:
"I bet you are a surgeon."
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says:
"I bet you're an anesthesiologist.
"Wow, how did you guess?"
"Easy, I didn't feel a thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5oiq9/at_a_medical_convention_a_male_doctor_and_a/
%
A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5oimi/a_guy_goes_into_a_store_and_asks_if_they_sell/
%
I wonder if people find polyamory to be selfish.

I mean, you can have your Kate and Edith too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5o9n5/i_wonder_if_people_find_polyamory_to_be_selfish/
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The Energizer-Bunny was arrested recently...

...It was Charged with Battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5o52c/the_energizerbunny_was_arrested_recently/
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I just found out that I'm colorblind...

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5o2uo/i_just_found_out_that_im_colorblind/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5o1sp/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
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What do you call Madagascar if it was only for cars?

MadaNascar.
I thought of this yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5np3q/what_do_you_call_madagascar_if_it_was_only_for/
%
My friend was told that bungee jumping would be safe.

It turned out to be quite a stretch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5np3j/my_friend_was_told_that_bungee_jumping_would_be/
%
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?

It’s gotta be more than 7 because my basement’s still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ndrl/how_many_dead_bodies_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
GENDER REVEAL PARTY

I got invited to a gender reveal party and when it came time for the reveal, i was the only one who pulled their pants down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5nasa/gender_reveal_party/
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Why did the orphan struggle to understand?

Nothing was ever apparent to him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5n9vs/why_did_the_orphan_struggle_to_understand/
%
I drew a large picture of a small skinned fish.

It’s not a scale drawing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5mzgu/i_drew_a_large_picture_of_a_small_skinned_fish/
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People mostly get shocked when the find out that....

I'm a bad electrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5msyx/people_mostly_get_shocked_when_the_find_out_that/
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Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

"The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is  a pinata? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5mrzg/two_guys_are_bungeejumping_one_day_the_first_guy/
%
A rich man was driving in his Cadillac when he sees a poor man eating grass on a hill

“What are you doing” - Says the rich man.
“I have 3 days without food for me and my family, so the grass on this hill is our last resource”
“Daaaammmm, say no more, get in” -Says the rich man, exited.
“Ohhh, thank you very much. Do you mind if I tell to my wife and 2 kids about your generosity??” -Says the poor man.
“No, tell them. I will be waiting in the car”
The family gets in, and when the wife saw all the empty places, ask the rich man:
“Both my parents have more that one day without eating something, can I tell them about your generosity?”
“Is fine, tell them, don’t worry”
The wife’s parents get in in the Cadillac, saw the remaining places and ask the rich man:
“One of my daughters start eating grass yesterday, because of the absence of food, can I invite her to the car?”
“Yes, I don’t have a problem, tell her!”
The daughter get in, and dare to ask the rich man:
“My boyfriend is so poor, he can’t afford food...”
“He was eating grass too?” -Interrupted the rich man.
“Yes, his only choice right now...”
“Ok, hurry up, tell him to get in” -Finished the rich man.
So a couple of hours in the car, with everyone in, the poor father with a wife and 2 kids break the silence:
“I thank the Lord that there are men as good as you, for your great generosity to attend so many people and feed them in times of poverty.”
The rich man look the poor man, and all the passengers in his Cadillac, then he says:
**“Don't worry, poor man, it has been almost eleven months since I cut the garden at my house.”**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5mqc1/a_rich_man_was_driving_in_his_cadillac_when_he/
%
I have sex almost everyday.

Almost monday, almost tuesday, almost .....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5mojc/i_have_sex_almost_everyday/
%
Don't ever hit a guy with glasses

Your fists can hit harder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5mh4r/dont_ever_hit_a_guy_with_glasses/
%
Two nuns are painting their CONVENT

They closed the door and took off all their clothes so they wouldn't get paint on their garments. So they locked the door and continued.
A few minutes in they hear a knock at the door.
"who is it?", they called out.
"just the blind man",  he replied.
They thought to each other a blind man would be no harm coming in to the room.
So they opened the door.
He dropped his things and shouted.
"Holy loving Nuntits, where do you want these blinds installed? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5mfc4/two_nuns_are_painting_their_convent/
%
I asked my friend why he stopped working his job of squishing soda cans at the recycling factory?

He said that it was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5mby1/i_asked_my_friend_why_he_stopped_working_his_job/
%
Trying to impress this cute animal rights activist girl I just met, so I told her I work with animals

I'm a butcher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5maki/trying_to_impress_this_cute_animal_rights/
%
I hosted a party for people into orgasm denial

No one came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5maeq/i_hosted_a_party_for_people_into_orgasm_denial/
%
Two Secret Service agents are intercepting a black box from a terrorist when they finally corner him and capture him

They interrogate him and ask him to hand over the box and maybe he'll live for another day.
The terrorist barks, "You'll have to pry it from my dead cold hands!"
One of the agents then proceeds to throw the terrorist into a large refridgerating chamber overnight.
The next day, the terrorist was found dead, frozen stiff. They then extract the black box from his corpse.
The bystanding agent then remarks, "Icy what you did there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5madu/two_secret_service_agents_are_intercepting_a/
%
Man calls his wife from the hospital.

"Honey, I cut off my finger."
"The whole finger?" she asks.
"No, the one next to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ma74/man_calls_his_wife_from_the_hospital/
%
Me: *I put my hand in his thigh while I'm driving*

The examiner: *What the fuck are you doing*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5m960/me_i_put_my_hand_in_his_thigh_while_im_driving/
%
The boy with the wooden eye.

There was a poor kid in Highschool who only had one eye. He couldn't afford a glass eye so he had one made out of  wood. The wooden eye looked terrible and he was very self-conscious about it.
Despite his appearance he always tried to score a date with the hottest girls in school. One day in the cafeteria he asked out the head cheerleader. He was swiftly rejected and embarrassed.
His best friend tried to help him out. "Hey bro, you can still get a date. Maybe try lowering your standards. You see that girl over there with the pimples all over her face? Try talking to her and ask her out."
He accepts the advice and strikes up a conversation with the zit faced girl. Sure enough they hit it off. His confidence builds and he decides to ask her on a date.
"Hey, I think you're pretty cool and I was wondering if you Would like to go out with me?"
Having never been asked out before, the pimple faced girl couldn't hold back her joy and excitement.
"Would I.... Would I?" She exclaimed.
The boy turns red and says "Fuck you pizza face!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5m7l9/the_boy_with_the_wooden_eye/
%
My chemistry teacher keeps talking about this guy "Kelvin" like he's soooo cool,

but in my opinion he is absolutely 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5m7ei/my_chemistry_teacher_keeps_talking_about_this_guy/
%
Why does Japan love 2D girls so much?

A lot of bad things happened when they were the third Axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5lo2j/why_does_japan_love_2d_girls_so_much/
%
I’m a lucky guy and got to marry my best friend in the whole world today

my wife is livid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5llvh/im_a_lucky_guy_and_got_to_marry_my_best_friend_in/
%
What's the difference between a 2 and a 9?

A sexual harassment charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ll0u/whats_the_difference_between_a_2_and_a_9/
%
Shocking

Did you know in Greece they electrocute their yogurt
Yeah it was quite a cultural shock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5lfre/shocking/
%
I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he's had.

He started counting but soon fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5leyt/i_asked_my_scottish_friend_how_many_sexual/
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There are two types of men.

The two types of men. The ones that have masturbated before, and the ones who aren't afraid to lie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5lazc/there_are_two_types_of_men/
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What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know I gotta be neutral on this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5l3x2/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
Jim is in a bar men's room finishing having a pee. He zips up and washes his hand and is about to leave when he sees a man with no arms by the door.

"Hey mate, can you help me out here?" the no armed man says.
Jim grimaces but decides to help the man out.  They walk over to a urinal and Jim unzips the man's pants.  "Yeah, just take the old boy out for me, will you?" the man says.
Jim pulls the man's underwear down revealing the no armed man's tool.  It's dark red with blue and black splotches.  It smells like unwashed feet mixed with dead people.  There is brownish liquid oozing out of a hole on the side.  It's all Jim can do not to wretch.
After the man finishes peeing he says, "okay all done.  Just a bit of a shake please."  Jim shakes the man's prick and  skin flakes fly off.  Blood and the brown ooze splatters in the urinal.  The smell actually gets worse.  Jim is now crying as he packs the man's johnson away and zips him up.
Jim runs over to the sink and yacks in it and scrubs his hands with soap.  As the man is walking to the door, Jim asks, "what the hell is wrong with your dick?!"
The man pops his arms out of his t-shirt holes and opens the door to leave and says, "no idea but there's no fucking way I'm touching it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5l10o/jim_is_in_a_bar_mens_room_finishing_having_a_pee/
%
"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.
"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"
"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5kxk2/hey_i_heard_china_just_legalized_samesex_marriage/
%
What do you call a wizard who kisses just below the chin?

A neck romancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ks02/what_do_you_call_a_wizard_who_kisses_just_below/
%
When I first met my wife, I was worried that my fetish might scare her off

but she ended up being cool with it, so I got off on the right foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5kj2z/when_i_first_met_my_wife_i_was_worried_that_my/
%
Did you hear about the rapper that had an asphalt fetish?

He came from the streets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5khyb/did_you_hear_about_the_rapper_that_had_an_asphalt/
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Pairs of parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.  As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.  Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence.  Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5kc2y/pairs_of_parrots/
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Who is worse, Epstein or Hitler?

Epstein. Because, despite all his atrocities, at least Hitler killed Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5kaiz/who_is_worse_epstein_or_hitler/
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I just got out of an abusive relationship

Long story short, I’m going to jail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5k2s9/i_just_got_out_of_an_abusive_relationship/
%
Where do you see yourself in five years?

In the mirror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5k04r/where_do_you_see_yourself_in_five_years/
%
Two Neanderthals loved partying

They went clubbing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5j9zv/two_neanderthals_loved_partying/
%
I have a dog with no legs.

I call him Cigarette because every evening when I get home from work I take him for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5j73i/i_have_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
They say carrots are good for your health.

But booze can double your vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5iz47/they_say_carrots_are_good_for_your_health/
%
A guy walks in to a [meta] bar

He sees a healthy crowd with people of many nationalities, religions, and backgrounds all enjoying themselves. There's even logisticians, mathematicians, a pirate, and a crocodile.
Overcoming a moment of awe, the man approaches the barkeep. "Hello, I'd like one karma, please." The barkeep pauses for a moment then lets out a jolly belly laugh. "You hear that, boys, we've got a karma whore! Sorry son, that's not how things work around here. You've gotta earn it."
Dismayed, the karma whore responds "So what do I have to do? I just repost something that's already gotten upvotes, right?" More serious now, the barkeep responds "It's not that easy son. The timing is everything. First of all, all the dead horses have already been beaten. If I hear one more Yoda joke this week, throw you out I will. And don't even get me started with HD vs. UHD."
Thinking harder, the karma whore asks "What about that jar on the bar full of cash? Can't I put in ten bucks, drink a bottle of tequila, and go do some errands to earn it?" Sadder now, the barkeep responds "Sorry, but we've had to put that on hold for a while. The alley dog's been going to therapy, and I've run out of cleaning supplies for the room upstairs. You're just going to have to get in line like everyone else."
Looking at the line, the man sees many of the aforementioned /r/jokes regulars and asks "so that's the line for karma?" In unison, the line shouts out "No, it's the line to OP's mom!"
The karma whore jumps in line, but is immediately smacked in the face by the Russian in front of him. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?" cried the karma whore.
The Russian replies "In /r/jokes, line punches YOU."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ixez/a_guy_walks_in_to_a_meta_bar/
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What do you call a bounty hunter that can time travel

A Mandelorean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5iwi6/what_do_you_call_a_bounty_hunter_that_can_time/
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It’s almost that time of year when the fat beardy person comes round to give all the kids their Christmas presents....

Man I hate it when the mother-in-law is in town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ivbl/its_almost_that_time_of_year_when_the_fat_beardy/
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Scottish Humor

It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya.
In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5is06/scottish_humor/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

.
Cold, bitter, and with a spoon in them.
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ijs3/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Why is Kim Jong-Un so fat?

Because he never had to run for office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5i463/why_is_kim_jongun_so_fat/
%
Better than a sleeping pill

Two guys were sitting around talking and one said, "I'm really  concerned, my wife wakes up at night and can't go back to sleep.  I  don't know how to help her".  His buddy thought about it for a moment  and said, "I think I have the perfect solution.  My wife used to have  the same problem so every time she woke up I'd just ask her if she  wanted to have sex.  She'd go back to sleep almost immediately".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5hiih/better_than_a_sleeping_pill/
%
Do you know what they say about "friends with benefits"?

... they just cum and go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5hdip/do_you_know_what_they_say_about_friends_with/
%
What do you say to an out of touch seamstress who refuses to modernize their operation?

Ok Loomer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5hbje/what_do_you_say_to_an_out_of_touch_seamstress_who/
%
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

By running...
Just kidding, Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5hayo/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
So I bought Shoes from a Drug-Dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5h3q4/so_i_bought_shoes_from_a_drugdealer/
%
My friend got upset because he's trying to teach me grammar and I'm not very good at it.

I said "their their".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5h0mh/my_friend_got_upset_because_hes_trying_to_teach/
%
I'm addicted to placebos.

I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5h0lu/im_addicted_to_placebos/
%
What would you like to name your horse?

Me: Mayo
Stablemaster: Why? He's not even a white horse!
Mayo: *neighs*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5gz77/what_would_you_like_to_name_your_horse/
%
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5gw56/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
%
Made the decision to learn how to lockpick

It was great it opened up alot of doors for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5gv65/made_the_decision_to_learn_how_to_lockpick/
%
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5grij/my_wife_is_threatening_to_kick_me_out_of_the/
%
Why be a Muslim and die to get 72 virgins...

when you can be a Catholic priest and get 72 virgins now while you're alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5gqbg/why_be_a_muslim_and_die_to_get_72_virgins/
%
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5gnuu/to_the_person_who_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft/
%
A Nigerian Prince has offered to hand over control of his mines to me.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5gm6r/a_nigerian_prince_has_offered_to_hand_over/
%
“How would you describe yourself?” Asked the interviewer.

“Usually with words” I said, “but I’ve also been working on my mime skills if you’d prefer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5gj3g/how_would_you_describe_yourself_asked_the/
%
What do you call a German dolphin?

Adolf-in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5gcjx/what_do_you_call_a_german_dolphin/
%
Rat: Hey, where are you going?

Snail: To a new year's party.
Rat: But 2020 is a month away.
Snail: I know, I better start sprinting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5gay8/rat_hey_where_are_you_going/
%
I bought a Christmas tree today.

The shopkeeper asked if I was going to put it up myself.
I said “no, it’s going in the living room”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5g97p/i_bought_a_christmas_tree_today/
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You can call me 1929

cause I'm in a great depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5g52m/you_can_call_me_1929/
%
A man and a woman are having their firstborn child

Several hours after the baby is delivered the doctor rushes out to the waiting room where the man is and says “SIR WE’VE DISCOVERED YOUR BABY CAN FLY!!! Come quickly!!” The man, astonished by this news, rushes with the doctor to the room where his wife and child are. The doctor picks the baby up and says “Sir watch” The Doctor then lifts the baby well over his head and throws it, only for the baby to fall in the floor with a heavy thud. The man begins to panic and rushes at the doctor. The doctor then says “ no sir wait wait it can really fly” so he picks the baby up lifts or high over his head and throws it. The baby smashes against the wall and falls to the floor. Before the man can do anything the doctor picks the baby back up and says “ Sir I promise this baby can fly”  so he opens the window and throws the baby out. The man watches in horror as his child bounces off the concrete and lands in the dumpster below. In a fit of rage he begins to attack the doctor. Only to be stopped by the doctor saying “Sir it’s ok. The baby was dead to begin with”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5g4pn/a_man_and_a_woman_are_having_their_firstborn_child/
%
I got banned from the secret cooking society…

For spilling the beans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5g126/i_got_banned_from_the_secret_cooking_society/
%
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning

Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5g0pj/my_daughter_says_she_now_identifies_as_a_small/
%
A woman loses her son Eddy in a Walmart one day

She looks everywhere for him but doesn't find him. Mom loses hope and years go by. Eddy is adopted by another family and they decide they like the name Terry. So Terry grows up and one day is shopping at the same Walmart where he was lost, and passes a woman who stares at him oddly. She looks at him and asks, "Is your name Eddy?" He says, "It was once but now everyone calls me Terry." She starts crying and says, "I knew it! I'd know those eyes anywhere." He looks and notices they have the same blue eyes and starts to tear up and says, "Mom?" And she says, "yes my son!" It was her Eddy Terry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5fxxb/a_woman_loses_her_son_eddy_in_a_walmart_one_day/
%
A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.
The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."
Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minutes until they see the local Communist officer, Comrade Rudolph, walk past.
The husband says to his wife, "Look, dear, there's Comrade Rudolph, our local Communist officer. He always knows the truth. We''l ask him!" With that, the husband shouts, "Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or is it snowing?"
Comrade Rudolph looks to the sky and says, "Raining," the continues on.
The wife looks at her husband and says,
"See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ft5k/a_woman_is_walking_handinhand_with_her_husband_on/
%
I can't stand matryoshka dolls. ....

....
They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5frtq/i_cant_stand_matryoshka_dolls/
%
Did you hear about the Scottish man who thought he had an std?

It turns out he was just allergic to wool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5fh7e/did_you_hear_about_the_scottish_man_who_thought/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee,

hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5fcbz/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
My next door neighbour says I'm a bit of a looker.

Well, 'Peeping Tom' were the actual words she used.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5f9zm/my_next_door_neighbour_says_im_a_bit_of_a_looker/
%
What did the New Zealand statue say to the other NZ statue?

'Stat chu bro?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ewmr/what_did_the_new_zealand_statue_say_to_the_other/
%
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants...

You've probably never heard of herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ewf3/i_want_to_tell_you_about_a_girl_who_only_eats/
%
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player?

**Me:** once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married.
**Interviewer:** and you?
**Me:** distracted her husband with an interview

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5esvp/interviewer_give_me_an_example_of_when_youve_been/
%
My wife asked me if I want a handjob or regular sex

I : handjob definitely .
She(*surprised*) :  why is that?
I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5eos3/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_want_a_handjob_or_regular/
%
A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"

Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5enf7/a_person_is_walking_down_the_street_and_hears_a/
%
Is BUTTCHEEKS written as one word ,

Or should l spread them apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5emkg/is_buttcheeks_written_as_one_word/
%
CIA, MI5 and the Turkish secret service (MIT) are in a contest

And they are tasked with finding a monkey in a rainforest.
CIA goes in with its drones and tech, and comes back with the monkey in 2 hours.
MI5 goes in and with their network in the jungle villages and infiltration techniques they come back with the monkey in 1 hour.
MIT,the Turkish secret service, goes in and in a mere 10 minutes they come back.
With a giraffe.
The referree says: but you were supposed to find the monkey! This is a giraffe!
Before he finishes his sentence, the giraffe shouts: "please sir, please, I swear I'm a monkey!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5dxgz/cia_mi5_and_the_turkish_secret_service_mit_are_in/
%
I have watched a Harry Potter movie every day for the past 10 years

They still haven't lost their magic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5dwoi/i_have_watched_a_harry_potter_movie_every_day_for/
%
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment

But it needed work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ducz/i_was_about_to_tell_a_joke_about_unemployment/
%
I was having a shit on the train when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’
‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back.
‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly
‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5dstb/i_was_having_a_shit_on_the_train_when_some_bloke/
%
A man boards a plane with six children of various ages.

After the plane takes off, a woman sitting sitting behind the man asks him, “are all of them yours?”
“No,” the man responds. “I work for a condom company and these are some of the customer complaints.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5dh1w/a_man_boards_a_plane_with_six_children_of_various/
%
I tried to make a belt out of watches.

Complete waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5de8f/i_tried_to_make_a_belt_out_of_watches/
%
How do fish get high?

Sea weed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5dc2n/how_do_fish_get_high/
%
What do you call a lump of cheese that likes milk?

A feta pile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5dbjq/what_do_you_call_a_lump_of_cheese_that_likes_milk/
%
How did Mario feel after getting a kiss from the princess?

Peachy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5d83l/how_did_mario_feel_after_getting_a_kiss_from_the/
%
A man decided to become a monk

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could use a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin" replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?"
"Well, actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5cwl1/a_man_decided_to_become_a_monk/
%
My New Years resolution for 2020 took me awhile to focus on but I think I’ve got it.

Clear vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5cv7k/my_new_years_resolution_for_2020_took_me_awhile/
%
What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?

One checks the family tree and the other checks the family bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5crd2/what_is_the_difference_between_a_genealogist_and/
%
Let me tell you about the time I smoked weed in Saudi Arabia...

I got stoned to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5cj69/let_me_tell_you_about_the_time_i_smoked_weed_in/
%
I think I'm going to kill off the main character in my new book

I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5chvj/i_think_im_going_to_kill_off_the_main_character/
%
What did Freddie Mercury say when he was informed about No Nut November?

"Nutting really matters to me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5cbw4/what_did_freddie_mercury_say_when_he_was_informed/
%
Whenever I see a bus with a woman driver, I smile and I think how far the society has gone.

Then waited to take the next one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5c3v8/whenever_i_see_a_bus_with_a_woman_driver_i_smile/
%
I like my coffee like i like my women...

without some other guys dick in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5c1vu/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
I renamed my iPod to Titanic...

And now it's syncing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5bx1q/i_renamed_my_ipod_to_titanic/
%
I can't stand to see both soles of my feet.

I just can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5brjm/i_cant_stand_to_see_both_soles_of_my_feet/
%
Two fish are in a tank

One says to the other: “does anyone know how to drive this thing”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5bnks/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
You know, if someone makes one more fish pun

I’m gonna krill myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5bki8/you_know_if_someone_makes_one_more_fish_pun/
%
What is a blanket's favorite Christmas song?

Fleece Navidad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5bawy/what_is_a_blankets_favorite_christmas_song/
%
Moles

After a long winter, the ground finally becomes soft enough for the moles to emerge from their tiny mole hole. Excited for something besides bugs, the moles all scurried quickly to pop their heads out of the hole.
The father mole finally stuck his head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said, “Ummm, I smell fresh maple syrup!”
The mother mole stuck her head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said, “My gosh! I smell fresh pancakes!”
The baby mole kept trying to stick his head out of the hole, but he couldn’t get past his mother and father. He kept trying. Finally, he said, “Gosh! All I can smell is MOLASSES!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5b4ow/moles/
%
A man goes to his younger brother’s wedding.

While at the wedding, he feels a little sad because he hasn’t had his own wedding yet, but his younger brother is already getting married.
At the wedding, he meets an old man who has a reputation of being pretty mean. When the old man sees the guy, he smirks and says,”When’s your turn?” The old man laughs and walks away.
The man feels even more sad and, because of his fragile emotional state, remembers the comment.
A week later, the man has a funeral to go to. The mean old man is there. Seeing his chance, the man walks up and says,”When’s your turn?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5azds/a_man_goes_to_his_younger_brothers_wedding/
%
A joke inspired by my 5 year old daughter who was trying to make up jokes.... why was the booger who was stuck in your nose so upset?

Because he wasn't picked yet.
Obviously this is where dad jokes and humor come from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ayw8/a_joke_inspired_by_my_5_year_old_daughter_who_was/
%
You know why bulls have bells

....
.......
...............
Beacause their horns dont work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5ay47/you_know_why_bulls_have_bells/
%
I know I'm schizophrenic...

but at least I've got each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5apbj/i_know_im_schizophrenic/
%
The worst part about getting caught jerking off at work is having to explain the belt wrapped around your neck to the new intern.

Was too high on nitrous and forgot to lock my office door...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5abcj/the_worst_part_about_getting_caught_jerking_off/
%
I'm thinking of creating a new heavy metal band.

Osmium should do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5a7ee/im_thinking_of_creating_a_new_heavy_metal_band/
%
My 34 year old son told me this one.

Son: What does Frosty the Snow Man use to go online?
Me: What?
Son: The Winternet!
Me: Get a job Larry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5a7db/my_34_year_old_son_told_me_this_one/
%
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Program for a mobile device. 3 letters
Wife: App
Husband: Common Jewish surname, 5 letters
Wife: Stein
Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters
Wife: Didn't
Husband: Take a life, 4 letters
Wife: Kill
Husband: Male possessive, 3 letters
Wife: Him
Husband: Essential being, 4 letters
Wife: Self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e59t15/a_husband_and_wife_are_doing_a_crossword_puzzle/
%
What did the pirate say when a prostitute was sucking his dick?

"Thar she blows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e59od4/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_a_prostitute_was/
%
Did you hear about the dwarf that escaped by rappelling from Alcatraz?

I would tell you, but it’s a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e59mg2/did_you_hear_about_the_dwarf_that_escaped_by/
%
If you ever become depressed, try drinking 4 glasses of water before going to sleep.

That'll give you a good reason to get up in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e59csz/if_you_ever_become_depressed_try_drinking_4/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5955g/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
Just got a new job doing circumcisions

It doesn’t pay well but i get to keep the tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e593ov/just_got_a_new_job_doing_circumcisions/
%
Why did the police officer paint his penis black?

So he could beat it at work without penalty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e593ai/why_did_the_police_officer_paint_his_penis_black/
%
Why is Santa so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e58xq0/why_is_santa_so_jolly/
%
[NSFW] whats the difference between a tyre and 365 blowjobs?

One is a goodyear and one is a fucking amazing year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e58x4z/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_tyre_and_365/
%
I went to a hockey store and asked an employee if they had any cheap skates.

They sent me to the managers office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e58v6h/i_went_to_a_hockey_store_and_asked_an_employee_if/
%
What is fast and not heavy?

Light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e58tk8/what_is_fast_and_not_heavy/
%
A German walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks for a martini. "Dry?" the bartender asks. "Nein." says the German. "Just one for now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e58mnu/a_german_walks_into_a_bar/
%
There was once a billionaire philanthropist with a curious idea....

"What would happen if he gave modern musical instruments to tribal people who have never been in contact with the outer world? He decided to do just that, and to return after 10 years. The tribesmen were given an electric guitar, bass, a drum kit, digital keys, everything needed to make music with our common tools. After a decade, he returned, after instructing the natives to perform a musical show for the people. The show starts, and it sounds great! Everyone is rocking out to the traditional drums + bass + guitar band they got set up, and then the drummer starts a solo. He hits those skins real hard for a long while, and when he starts to settle down, the crowd starts chanting "Bu gu! Bu gu! Bu gu!" The philanthropist asks what the meaning of Bu Gu is, and is told "Bu Gu mean don't stop." So he figures these people really love their drums, shrugs, and continues to listen. However, things are getting odd... Every time the solo winds down, the crowd keeps cheering him on with their chants. The problem is, this is been going for half a day. And then a day. And then two. The philanthropist is astounded, and is hungry and tired, but he stays there out of sheer curiosity. Surely, all the other people are tired and hungry too, why don't they just stop telling the drummer to go on? Finally he cracks and says "We've been here for three days, everyone is hungry, tired, and thirsty! Why don't you tell the drummer to stop?!" They reply: "Drum solo no stop." "WHY?!", he asks. "When drum solo stop, bass solo start."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e58mgk/there_was_once_a_billionaire_philanthropist_with/
%
This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and fowl (pun intended) vocabulary

He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot steps out and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask - what did the chicken do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e585y4/this_guy_gets_a_parrot_but_its_got_a_bad_attitude/
%
What's it called when you take over one half of the capital of Hungary?

Pest control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e57wmv/whats_it_called_when_you_take_over_one_half_of/
%
Do you think Santa wipes from the front or the back?

I don't know, but I bet he checks it twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e57r4a/do_you_think_santa_wipes_from_the_front_or_the/
%
6 AM

I have trouble waking up at 6AM so I put Cardi B as my alarm
Now I wake up at 5:50AM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e57pnb/6_am/
%
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e57e05/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
%
Why did the paintbrush win the lottery?

Just a stroke of good luck I suppose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e57dqf/why_did_the_paintbrush_win_the_lottery/
%
Lie Detecting Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.  The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What?"  At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
Robot For Sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e57b78/lie_detecting_robot/
%
I got a kid in Africa who I feed, clothe, school, and vaccinate for less than $1/day.

That is nothing compared to what it cost me to send him there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e56xzv/i_got_a_kid_in_africa_who_i_feed_clothe_school/
%
Doctor: your time has come, 2 minutes left for you to live.

Patient: "opens darude sandstorm"
Doctor: but it's almost 4 minutes long
God: it's ok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e56vp5/doctor_your_time_has_come_2_minutes_left_for_you/
%
A guy is madly in love with his GF (long)

A guy is madly in love with his girlfriend. He decides to tattoo her name, Wendy, on his penis. When it is not erected, all you can see is W and Y. The first and last letters of her name.
When the guy went to the public restrooms he saw this huge black guy using the urinal next to him. Curious, he looked and noticed his penis also had W and Y written on it.
"Your girlfriend is named Wendy as well?" Asked the man excitedly.
"No no my friend. My tattoo says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, and have a wonderful day'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e56vnu/a_guy_is_madly_in_love_with_his_gf_long/
%
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

And then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e56tr4/girls_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
%
What does George W Bush call his kitty cats?

Weapons of mice destruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e56o1h/what_does_george_w_bush_call_his_kitty_cats/
%
My friend choked to death while sneezing.

I guess he bit off more than he could achoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e56lxk/my_friend_choked_to_death_while_sneezing/
%
A man is at his best friend's funeral

He steps up to the microphone.  All fall silent.  He says only "Plethora" and sits back down.
The widow pats his shoulder and says, "Thanks.  That means a lot".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e56l0z/a_man_is_at_his_best_friends_funeral/
%
I went in for a job interview at IKEA

The interviewer said, come on in, make a seat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e56il3/i_went_in_for_a_job_interview_at_ikea/
%
Bro: So how is your new job at the hospital?

Me: I got fired. They didn't appreciate my professional IT knowledge.
Bro: That sucks man.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Earlier at the hospital,
Me: (Pointing at life support system) Have you tried to turn it ON and OFF again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e56hpd/bro_so_how_is_your_new_job_at_the_hospital/
%
I failed to get into the male pornstar industry

Apparently I have shortcomings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e56du8/i_failed_to_get_into_the_male_pornstar_industry/
%
At work today my boss told me to put a load into the dishwasher (NSFW)

He wasn't clear enough, I ended up fucking the maid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e560rf/at_work_today_my_boss_told_me_to_put_a_load_into/
%
What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?

Shoot him in the face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e56057/whats_the_quickest_way_to_prevent_a_man_from/
%
I asked an EOD guy about the stress of bomb defusing.

He shrugged and said: "Its not. I'm either right or suddenly its not my problem any more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e55y5h/i_asked_an_eod_guy_about_the_stress_of_bomb/
%
Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.
When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually that one is trying to get away from an abusive older boyfriend or that they have been at a party where their phones were stolen, and they will ask for a ride. They will be very convincing, often crying and pleading to be taken to the police station or anywhere.
Once they are in the car, one will make advances on you, pretending to be grateful and wanting to repay you in sexual favours. They may offer you a threesome, or simply start making out in your car. Once they have convinced you to join them, while one or more of them are engaged in sexual activity with you, another will steal your wallet, cellphone and any other valuables they can get.
Cases have been reported in various locations around the country, including at my local mall, where this happened to me last month, twice last week and again tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e55m9i/latest_scam_warning/
%
An erection is like a bus ride

A lot of kids are getting off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e55i4y/an_erection_is_like_a_bus_ride/
%
An old man I know told me he used to go to the park because he saw himself in the children that played there

I really need a new cellmate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e54d5x/an_old_man_i_know_told_me_he_used_to_go_to_the/
%
Blind man walks into a shop

He starts whirling his dog leash over his head, spining the dog around him.
The casier asks, Sir what are you doing, do you need some help?
Blind man says, No, I'm just looking around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e54b3n/blind_man_walks_into_a_shop/
%
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, The very next day,

Your body rejected the transplant and you died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e540ma/last_christmas_i_gave_you_my_heart_the_very_next/
%
If Trump exposed himself to women, would that be sexual harrasment...

...  or microagression?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e53byi/if_trump_exposed_himself_to_women_would_that_be/
%
So I found out I was sexually attracted to electrical currents

Yeah, shocking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e52z7b/so_i_found_out_i_was_sexually_attracted_to/
%
They've just found Jeffery Epstein's diary.

His last entry was about twelve years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e52wsr/theyve_just_found_jeffery_epsteins_diary/
%
Two Englishmen are strolling down a London street,

when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles.
One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!"
His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly,
and replies,
"I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e52urz/two_englishmen_are_strolling_down_a_london_street/
%
As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety

than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e52t44/as_a_kid_i_was_less_concerned_about_goldilocks/
%
Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?

Skipping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e52gup/wanna_know_my_favorite_leg_day_exercise/
%
My girlfriend told me she's leaving me cause I invade her privacy..

Well, she didn't exactly tell me that. I read it in her diary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e52eu7/my_girlfriend_told_me_shes_leaving_me_cause_i/
%
I Came Home to my Find my Family Holding an Intervention

"Honey," my wife says, "we're worried about how much you've been drinking as of late. We believe you suffer from alcoholism." I peer down at my usual thirty-pack of beer I pick up every Friday after work. "Sweety, kids, I'm not an alcoholic," I express to my loved ones. "Alcoholics *need* alcohol. I, however, already have it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5290t/i_came_home_to_my_find_my_family_holding_an/
%
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e528x7/why_do_we_tell_actors_to_break_a_leg/
%
If someone asks you to spell part backwards. Don't

It's a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5283d/if_someone_asks_you_to_spell_part_backwards_dont/
%
What’s the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e522hh/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_station/
%
What did Delaware?

A New Jersey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e521gs/what_did_delaware/
%
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked

doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e51sm4/if_lawyers_are_disbarred_and_clergymen_defrocked/
%
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
“No fatty, don’t eat anything!” we got you op.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e51nzr/i_went_to_the_doctors_recently_he_said_dont_eat/
%
An ex-con walks into a bar.

He asked the owner for a job application.  The owner asked. “Do you have any experience as a bartender?”  The Ex-con replied, “Not exactly, but I’ve spent my whole life behind bars.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e51g13/an_excon_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast when they noticed a whaling ship

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast  when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They swam up and on the first try, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was unsure about following him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5196s/a_male_whale_and_a_female_whale_were_swimming_off/
%
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices:

take it or leave it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e5124l/as_a_child_my_familys_menu_consisted_of_two/
%
If gays come out of the closet, where do straights come out of?

Compton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e511fw/if_gays_come_out_of_the_closet_where_do_straights/
%
What happens when a Jewish kid has ADHD?

They get sent to a concentration camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e50xnn/what_happens_when_a_jewish_kid_has_adhd/
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The pen is mightier than the sword.

That's why I bring MP5's to school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e50wzo/the_pen_is_mightier_than_the_sword/
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A man goes hiking

He brings with him a backpack with a water pouch for easy hydration and, as a back-up, a metal straw that had a filter so he could drink from any body of water he wanted.
After a couple of hours he realizes that he is already out of water. Being the conservative drinker he was, he figured something must be wrong with his water pouch.
Upon inspection, he finds that his filter straw had punctured the water pouch and all of his water had been leaking out.
It was the straw that broke the Camelbak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e50vzp/a_man_goes_hiking/
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What's the similarity between Hitler and my sister?

They both used chemicals to remove the polish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e50dk9/whats_the_similarity_between_hitler_and_my_sister/
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What type of joke strings you along?

A really cheesy one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e50d0c/what_type_of_joke_strings_you_along/
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What do you say to a 60-year-old who keeps coming back to the same topic.

Ok, boomerang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e50cuv/what_do_you_say_to_a_60yearold_who_keeps_coming/
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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars. Between the ages of 30-35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.Between the ages of 35-40, a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit. Between the ages of 40-50, she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.Between the ages of 50-60, she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away. Between the ages of 60-70, a woman is like England or Mongolia. A glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.After 70, they become Afghanistan or Pakistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e50ch0/geography_of_a_woman/
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I think weekends are made in China.

They don't last long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e50bzt/i_think_weekends_are_made_in_china/
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Guys I just beat Cancer!

I really need a better nickname for my kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e509t3/guys_i_just_beat_cancer/
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Donald Trump dropped out of plumbing school

He couldn't fix a leak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e509m1/donald_trump_dropped_out_of_plumbing_school/
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I went to a restaurant and the waiter said, “Would you like to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes please.”
The waiter:  “Today is special.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e507l3/i_went_to_a_restaurant_and_the_waiter_said_would/
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I may not be the best boomer in the world...

But I am an OK boomer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4zuop/i_may_not_be_the_best_boomer_in_the_world/
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A Christian Lion

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men.
They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."
He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4zetn/a_christian_lion/
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What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius?

0K boomer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4z7ja/what_do_you_call_something_that_explodes_at_27315/
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What did Russia say when it invaded part of Ukraine?

Crimea river.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4z6r8/what_did_russia_say_when_it_invaded_part_of/
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I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance.  I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered.  It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school.  I explained to her what happened, and found out that it was, in fact, their pet cat.  One of the kids overheard the conversation and got very upset, which quickly spread to the other children.  Now the mother very frustrated with the situation that she now had to deal with, and also upset about the cat herself.  I felt awful.  I did the only thing I could think of and said “I’m really sorry, ma’am, and I know it won’t be the same, but if you’ll let me, I’d like to replace your cat.”  She thought about it for a second and said “okay, but are you any good at catching mice?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4z2se/i_was_driving_to_work_this_morning_distracted_as/
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I got a new job helping a one armed typist when she needs to do capital letters

It's shift work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4z25b/i_got_a_new_job_helping_a_one_armed_typist_when/
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If you are debating whether or not to shovel your neighbor's driveway...

Ask yourself, "would they do the same for me?"
If the answer is no, do it anyways out of the kindness of your heart.
If the answer is yes, go back inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4yzf0/if_you_are_debating_whether_or_not_to_shovel_your/
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A young, attractive lady comes back from a house party.

Let's call her Jessica. Unfortunately, Jessica's face is now well wept. Her mother catches her with cum on her face, and begins to sob hysterically: "After I did everything to raise you as a good catholic girl, what the hell i this? Do you have any idea what I have gone through after your father left us?"
Jessica says "Mom, wait, my friends made a joke. This is not what you think!"
Mom takes some of the liquid with her finger off of Jessica's cheek, and quickly gives it a taste.
"You motherfucking liar!" she shouts. "At least six different men, and five from this neighborhood!"
Jessica, ashamed and nowhere to hide, quietly walks through the bathroom. The mom breaks the silence: "and your father was there too!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4ytkl/a_young_attractive_lady_comes_back_from_a_house/
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My partner asked me to stop singing Oasis songs...

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4ynzz/my_partner_asked_me_to_stop_singing_oasis_songs/
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My uncle who stutters was recently sent to prison.

He's never going to finish his sentence !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4yg6a/my_uncle_who_stutters_was_recently_sent_to_prison/
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How is Santa like Bill Cosby?

He can’t “come” until everyone’s asleep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4y6i9/how_is_santa_like_bill_cosby/
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A little girl was talking to a cop on Christmas day...

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4xvl2/a_little_girl_was_talking_to_a_cop_on_christmas/
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A man walks into a bar

He says "four beers and four large vodkas, please"
The barman pours the drinks and sets them all out on the bar. The man drinks them one after the other - beer, vodka, beer, vodka.
The barman says "Sir, you're really drinking those fast, hadn't you better slow down?"
The man says "Listen pal, if you had what I've got, you would drink quickly too"
The barman says "Oh, what's that then?" and the man replies "three euros fifty".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4xtxv/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4xrgk/why_do_french_people_eat_snails/
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CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4xo2s/can_admins_of_this_group_do_a_better_job_of/
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An old Man is in the big city the first time in his life for an doctors apointment.

He takes a taxi, a mercedes, to get to his appointment. The whole ride he bombards his driver the most stupid questions about live in the big city. The taxi driver gehts more and more irritated about the questions.
Finally the man asks: "What´s  the star in the middle of your hood for?"
The driver feels joked on and answers: "It\`s for aiming at the pedestrians, obviously."
The old man nods it of "ah interesting..." and the ride continoues. Further down the road the taxi driver gets to a crosswalk and almost hits a man, but manages to avoid him the last second.
He hears a hard bump from the back of the car followed by the old man shouting: "Man you are bad at aiming. If i hadn´t opened the door quickly you would have missed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4xmf9/an_old_man_is_in_the_big_city_the_first_time_in/
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20 canibals started working in an IT company

After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that.
"No sir" says the head canibal.
"OK" says the boss and leaves them be.
"Alright" says the head canibal when the boss has left "Who did it?!"
"I did!" one of them admits.
"You idiot! We've been having fifty different types of manager in the past six months and nobody batted an eye! You had to eat the one person in this office that actually gets any work done!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4xltp/20_canibals_started_working_in_an_it_company/
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What do women and police cars have in common?

They make alot of noise to let you know they're coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4xk20/what_do_women_and_police_cars_have_in_common/
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One scientist to another...

"Have you ever seen an Archimedes screw?"
"No, but I imagine they do it pretty much the same as other Greeks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4xip9/one_scientist_to_another/
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That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke,

And didn't get a reaction at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4xieh/that_awkward_moment_when_you_tell_a_chemistry_joke/
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A mans wife warns him if he comes home drunk after a night out again she'll kick him out.

He goes out with his mates to the pub with a promise to his wife he shall be home by midnight and will not get drunk. He gets to the bar, several hours and many drinks later, the man is in a terrible state.
He has thrown up over himself, fallen over and generally ended up blind drunk. His mates decide to take him home but he protests "I cant go home like this, my wife said she will kick me out!".
A friend of his comes up the idea of putting £20 in his jacket pocket and telling his wife another man threw up over him and gave him the £20 to pay the cleaning bill. Thinking this is a great idea the man heads home, arriving around 2am to find his wife standing in the hallway.
Before she can say anything he explains how a man at the bar vomited on him and gave him the money to pay to have his clothes cleaned. She then asked "well why have you got £40 in your pocket?"
The man replies "Ah well the other 20 is from the man who shat in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4xcyj/a_mans_wife_warns_him_if_he_comes_home_drunk/
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A little boy is walking down the hallway of his house.

There is screaming in his parents' bedroom. He opens the door. There's his father dressed only in chaps and his mother dressed in a cheerleading outfit with nothing else on. And they're going at it.
Billy says, "Daddy whats going on?"
His father responds, "Just go to your room, son. I'll be there to tuck you in bed in twenty minutes."
Twenty minutes later the father is walking down the hall and he hears screaming in the boy's bedroom. He opens the door and sees the boy having sex with his grandmother.
The father says, "Billy whats going on?!"
Billy says, "Its not so funny when its your mother, is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4xctw/a_little_boy_is_walking_down_the_hallway_of_his/
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Don't marry a doctor, they're always angry at home

Because they had no patients anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4xcgo/dont_marry_a_doctor_theyre_always_angry_at_home/
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My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms

and it hertz alot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4x45s/my_moms_response_time_for_a_slap_in_the_face_used/
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So I bought this sex doll online from an ex ISIS guy.

Really easy, these dolls blow themselves up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4x3ln/so_i_bought_this_sex_doll_online_from_an_ex_isis/
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Roses are red

That much is true
But Violets are violet
Not fucking blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4x16z/roses_are_red/
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A real dummy

A ventriloquist working down South, is confronted by a theater patron during his show. The hick stands up and yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!" "Relax," said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!" "Shut up, buddy," the Southerner replied, "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4x0ps/a_real_dummy/
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The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4wz08/the_chinese_president_has_decided_to_make_a_red/
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Did you hear about the guy that had his entire left side cut off

Don’t worry, he’s all right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4wylj/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_had_his_entire/
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What did the romans say after crucifying Jesus?

Nailed it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4wvt3/what_did_the_romans_say_after_crucifying_jesus/
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A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.
So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.
When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and  starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out.
They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered.
Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!"
The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4wvac/a_night_out_with_1_nsfw/
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Son: daddy can you tell me about the bird and the bees?

Dad: well bee stands for the male and the bird stands for the female.
When 2 people love each other very much, the bee stings the bird essentially giving his life and the bird gets a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4wrnx/son_daddy_can_you_tell_me_about_the_bird_and_the/
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Why do athletes never get hot?

Because they have lots of fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4wqpy/why_do_athletes_never_get_hot/
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A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.
But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'
'Why not?' The judge asked.
'Because he beats me too.'
'Oh my dear boy. Do you want to stay with your grandparents instead?' the judge asked.
But the boy didn't reply.
The judge was furious, but he maintained his composure for the sake of the boy.
'Please come up here so I can better hear you' The judge said.
The little boy walked up and gingerly sat down on the judge's lap.
'Now my boy. I am here to make sure that no one will ever hurt you again. I'm afraid that I don't know who has been violent against you and who hasn't. So it is entirely up to you. Tell me who you would feel safest with and I will make sure those are the ones that will take care of you.'
The boy thought long and hard and answered: 'Manchester United. They've never beaten anyone.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4wlbj/a_judge_is_hearing_a_child_abuse_case/
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Why did the physics teacher take his class up the mountain?

That is where they have the most potential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4wkr4/why_did_the_physics_teacher_take_his_class_up_the/
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2 "walks into a bar" jokes

1. So A dislexic kid walks into a bra...
2.  A peice of rope walks into a bar, the bartender says "we dont serve your kind here".  The rope walks out of the bar and unties the knot on his head, he walks back in and the bartender asks, "are you the same rope that was in here a minute ago?" And the rope says, "I'm a frayed knot."
Thank you, I'll be under a bridge like the troll I am if you need me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4w7rx/2_walks_into_a_bar_jokes/
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On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed...

someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough.
“That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!”
On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4w0jp/on_monday_morning_the_teacher_walked_to_the/
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A hillbilly shows up for his first work day at a construction jobsite

. At lunch time notices a coworker with a thermos. He asks him what it is. He says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold!" The hillbilly is impressed so he gets one and brings it in the next day. His coworker notices and says, "Oh I see you got a thermos of your own, what's in it?"
He says "Chili for lunch and two scoops of ice cream for dessert."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4vzt0/a_hillbilly_shows_up_for_his_first_work_day_at_a/
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The idea of using sheep intestines as condoms was originated in Scotland.

The British further refined the idea by removing it from the sheep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4vsi7/the_idea_of_using_sheep_intestines_as_condoms_was/
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Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4vfic/why_does_santa_have_such_a_big_sack/
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A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.
When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.
The man waited a few days and went back to the post office since he didn't receive a letter back. He saw Kurt and asked him if he delivered the letter. Kurt said he tried to, but no one answered or took the letter, so he brought it back the next day.
The man was upset that his daughter ignored him. He left a copy of the same letter every single day at the post office, in the hopes that she would answer one of them someday.
Kurt noticed the man sending letter after letter, day by day, for months. His curiosity got the better of him after some time, and he decided to read one of the letters before delivering it. He was astounded at how useful the man's advice was and decided this was worth sharing with everyone, so he called up a local newspaper company.
The newspaper company sent a reporter to come speak with Kurt, who told them, "A man sent the same letter every day for months to his daughter, who never answered the letters. Read the letter! It has some very good information that could help the whole world out."
The reporter, instead of being interested in what the letter said, was interested in the man's dedication of sending the same letter every day to someone who never responded. The reporter wrote an article and sent it to Kurt to look at before publishing.
When Kurt looked at it, he said, "It's Outrageous! The Reposting gets more attention than the Original content !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4vezu/a_man_had_an_adult_daughter_who_he_loved_dearly/
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A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.

There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood
curdling scream!
“What was that?” she asks.
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” says Saint Peter, “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.”
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
“What was that?!” she asked anxiously.
“Oh ,don’t worry,” says Saint Peter soothingly, “It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.”
The lady starts to back away.
“Where are you going?” asks Saint Peter.
“I think I’ll go downstairs, if it’s all the same to you,” says the lady.
“But you can’t go there,” says the saint, “You’ll be raped and sodomized!”
“It’s OK,” says the lady, “I’ve already got the holes for that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4v7n7/a_lady_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_she_arrives_at_the/
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The soviet union was doomed to fail

The red flags were everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4u454/the_soviet_union_was_doomed_to_fail/
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A horse goes to a bar and orders a pint...

The bartender says, "You know, you're in here pretty often.  Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and suddenly vanishes from experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4u0ja/a_horse_goes_to_a_bar_and_orders_a_pint/
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[From my 8-year-old] What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?

...This is the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4trhx/from_my_8yearold_what_did_the_mandalorian_say/
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If a Pomeranian looked Medusa in the eyes...

...it would become a pomegranite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4tm40/if_a_pomeranian_looked_medusa_in_the_eyes/
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"Doc, I've got a sinus headache, an abscessed tooth, itchy eyes, and a canker sore. What is wrong with me? "

Doc: "Well, I'll be honest. I think it's all in your head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4tfoh/doc_ive_got_a_sinus_headache_an_abscessed_tooth/
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I mixed up “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” by accident.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4tf9t/i_mixed_up_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_by_accident/
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Why are there no cats on Mars?

Because Curiosity killed them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4taq6/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
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Crossword clue: 'Overworked postman'

"How many letters?"
Thousands upon thousands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4t716/crossword_clue_overworked_postman/
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Why does a dyslexic man watch TV in his boredom?

To combat his bedroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4t697/why_does_a_dyslexic_man_watch_tv_in_his_boredom/
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I read about hinduism.

Then i said "holy cow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4sx5q/i_read_about_hinduism/
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Tea party

A little 3-year-old girl was playing with her miniature tea set. Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping.
The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water. He thought this was really cute, so she did it several more times.
When the mother came home, the father had the mother stop and watch the little tea ritual, as her daughter brought the father another cup of tea (water) and he drank it.
The mother said: “Very nice. But has it occurred to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4sorl/tea_party/
%
Why did the sperm go to class?

Because I wore the wrong socks today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4sj49/why_did_the_sperm_go_to_class/
%
Once a blonde bought stick shift car. She was super excited with the car and then took it from New York to Washington DC.

She called her husband and said that she will return tomorrow to New York. Couple of days passed but the blonde didn't return. Worried, her husband started finding out what's the matter, suddenly sees the blonde entering the garage with her car. The husband asked her if everything is alright with her. She replied, the bloody car manufacturers provided 6 gears to go from New York to DC but only one to come back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4scds/once_a_blonde_bought_stick_shift_car_she_was/
%
A panda walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house.
"You owe me money," she says.
"For what?"
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up."
She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4s4tu/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.

A man goes into the doctor's office  feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him  into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."
"What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.
"Oh my God," says the man. "What are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."
"Is that going to help me?" asks the man.
"No," says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4s0wj/a_man_goes_into_the_doctors_office_feeling_really/
%
My doctor told me to start killing people. .

Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4rzyj/my_doctor_told_me_to_start_killing_people/
%
I got locked out of my car outside an abortion clinic.

It was VERY awkward to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4rodr/i_got_locked_out_of_my_car_outside_an_abortion/
%
I'm gonna open a shopping center for epileptics,

and call it the Grand Mall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4rk6t/im_gonna_open_a_shopping_center_for_epileptics/
%
I asked a mute girl if she'd have sex with me. Told her to clap once for "YES" and twice for "NO"

She said "YES" "YES"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4rjnl/i_asked_a_mute_girl_if_shed_have_sex_with_me_told/
%
Why did the lifeguard throw the elephants out of the swimming pool?

They wouldn't keep their trunks up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4rgyr/why_did_the_lifeguard_throw_the_elephants_out_of/
%
What the the women say to the redditor after sex?

Nothing. He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4rbte/what_the_the_women_say_to_the_redditor_after_sex/
%
3 word joke

Whiteboards are remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4qptv/3_word_joke/
%
How fast does light travel?

a. 10,000 km/s
b. 100,000 km/s
c.
d. 1,000,000 km/s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4qgvx/how_fast_does_light_travel/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4q0ns/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
A student walked up to his psychology class's professor after class day

Student: I don't really get what happened today. Can you re-explain deductive reasoning to me?
Teacher: Alright, I'll show you an example. So you're from a farming family. Do you own a tractor
Student: Yeah I do
Teacher: Okay so from that I can tell that you own a reasonably big plot of land, right?
Student: Ok that makes sense.
Teacher: So if you have a lot of land you plant a lot of crops right?
Student: Yes I do.
Teacher: And if you have a lot of crops you make a lot of money, true?
Student: True.
Teacher: And because you have a lot of money, that means you probably have a good wife and a happy family right?
Student: Yeah I do.
Teacher: That's deductive reasoning. I take what I know about you and I use it to find out other things about you!
Student: Oh! I get it now!
The student happily walks out of class thinking he knows what they covered. Later, a friend of his who missed class came up to him.
Friend: Hey, I missed class today. What did we learn?
Student: Deductive reasoning. I actually understand most of it
Friend: Okay, can you explain it to me?
Student: Sure! I'll give you an example. Do you own a tractor?
Friend: No.
Student: Then you're gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4pvhq/a_student_walked_up_to_his_psychology_classs/
%
What is the definition of a will?

You should know guys it’s a dead giveaway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4pqlc/what_is_the_definition_of_a_will/
%
Saw a little creeper when playing Minecraft the other day

Call that a baby boomer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4pntv/saw_a_little_creeper_when_playing_minecraft_the/
%
This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.
When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily there was an employee stocking lettuce, or something, and he quickly grabbed the hose that they use to spray the vegetables, and put it out. It was absolutely insane.
EMS, and the fire department showed up, and thankfully the woman was okay--no major burns or scarring. However, if it couldn't be any more weird, when the cops got there, they arrested the poor woman!
Apparently, it was an illegal firearm...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4pkxi/this_happened_just_this_evening_at_the_grocery/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4pk8g/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
A man ejaculated on his watch just before dying

His last words were « my time has cum ».

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4pckk/a_man_ejaculated_on_his_watch_just_before_dying/
%
2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes

after seeing an expensive pair in a Dublin City shop.
They fly to Africa, set up beside a notorious crocodile infested lake and go to work.
After a long day the 2 men have left a long line of dead crocodiles all along the lake shore.
The men have worked hard but are getting more frustrated and angry as the day comes to an end.
1 Irish man gives in......." This isn't working, we've killed 26 today and not 1 of them are any use to us"
"I know, I know", said the other Irish man, " I don't know what's going on,.........tell you what, we'll get 1 more croc and if it's not wearing any shoes either we'll just go home".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4p5kv/2_irish_men_get_the_idea_to_sell_crocodile_shoes/
%
Queen Elizabeth only plays poker on the toilet.

That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4ow3v/queen_elizabeth_only_plays_poker_on_the_toilet/
%
European commission

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Source unknown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4ovcq/european_commission/
%
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?

ScoliOAKsis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4osqm/what_is_it_called_when_a_tree_has_spine_problems/
%
Playing the drums might hurt your arms...

...but playing the accordion could really harm a knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4oep5/playing_the_drums_might_hurt_your_arms/
%
What do you call Two Mexican Snipers?

Juan Shot
Juan Kill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4odo3/what_do_you_call_two_mexican_snipers/
%
I spent all evening putting the Christmas decorations up myself.

Now I'm at the hospital getting them removed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4o47h/i_spent_all_evening_putting_the_christmas/
%
What does steamed spinach and butt sex have in common?

If you're forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't enjoy it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4nl9m/what_does_steamed_spinach_and_butt_sex_have_in/
%
Why are birds such great improvisers?

They're always wingin' it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4ncou/why_are_birds_such_great_improvisers/
%
I just got fired from newspaper.

I forgot an article.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4n9as/i_just_got_fired_from_newspaper/
%
Why shouldn’t you buy a ticket with Virgin Airlines?

They don’t go all the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4n7it/why_shouldnt_you_buy_a_ticket_with_virgin_airlines/
%
I have my sex like my steak

Rare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4n6k3/i_have_my_sex_like_my_steak/
%
I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4mzn9/i_tried_to_kidnap_a_blacksmith_but_when_i_turned/
%
There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.
However, one day his son came home with terrible news: "Dad, I've made up my mind I'm going vegetarian!"
He could accept anything else, but that! Shocked, he threw his son out of his house.
As the months and years went by, he regretted his decision, and decided that maybe he should try to understand his son's point of view. So he read up about the nutritional value of plants, looked up recipes, and even asked the neighbouring squirrels about what they ate.
Finally, one cold evening, he decided that it was time to try out eating plants. Peas were a good place to start- they were high in protein, like the rotting flesh he usually ate, and they were easy for him to eat with his beak. So in addition to his usual plate of roadkill, he put on a pot of peas to boil.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. He opened it and gasped with surprise- there was his son, thin as sticks and weak as water! His son collapsed into his wings, and managed to croak out,
"Dad, I'm starving. Do you have anything for me to eat?"
Crying at seeing his long-lost child after so many years, he nodded and said,
"Carrion, my wayward son! There'll be peas when you are done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4mueu/there_was_a_vulture_who_had_a_rebellious_son/
%
What did the murderer say to his child as he pointed his vacuum cleaner at him?

Dyson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4ml3z/what_did_the_murderer_say_to_his_child_as_he/
%
Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.

Boy: I know .
Girl: I love you.
Boy: I love you too.
After surgery the girl wakes up and finds her father sitting in the chair.
Girl: Where is my boyfriend ?
Dad: Don't you know who gave you your new heart.
Girl: (With tears in her eyes ) Omg.
Dad : I'm just kidding, he's in the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4mevh/girl_im_having_heart_surgery_today/
%
My lesbian neighbours got me a Rolex for my birthday...

I don’t think they understood me when I said I wanna watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4mc2x/my_lesbian_neighbours_got_me_a_rolex_for_my/
%
A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells

"Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4m7md/a_dyslexic_walks_into_a_bank_and_yells/
%
Did you hear about the 2 alcoholic lesbian vampires?

They drink each other under the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4m15m/did_you_hear_about_the_2_alcoholic_lesbian/
%
A post on this sub is rarely original...

We've all reddit before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4lwji/a_post_on_this_sub_is_rarely_original/
%
Scientists just invented a new pill that prevents dehydration

All you have to do is take it twice a day with a glass of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4lr2w/scientists_just_invented_a_new_pill_that_prevents/
%
Knock Knock.

Who's there?
Ash.
Ash who?
Bless you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4lq4e/knock_knock/
%
Did y’all hear about the guy who shot himself in Walmart in Black Friday?

They’re calling it a self-checkout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4lm8p/did_yall_hear_about_the_guy_who_shot_himself_in/
%
Why did the Dragonborn climb High Hrothgar?

To see what all the Fus was about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4lbyx/why_did_the_dragonborn_climb_high_hrothgar/
%
What do you call a person who proof read Hitler's speeches?

A grammar Nazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4kwya/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_proof_read_hitlers/
%
Why do orgies always take so long in Heaven?...

Because Jesus always pretends he’s about to come again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4km64/why_do_orgies_always_take_so_long_in_heaven/
%
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4kgj3/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
%
Don't step on a duck

St. Peter is assisting applicants to heaven three at a time. He's leading the latest trio around, showing them the best clouds, where to get the best harps, best wing cleaning service etc.
One guy has a complaint, though. "What's with all these ducks? They're everywhere and getting underfoot!"
St. Peter looks alarmed, and says "You must NEVER step on a duck! Those are God's favorite! If you step on a duck, you'll be punished for all eternity!"
The three are left to their own devices, but inevitably one of them steps on a duck. After much quacking ensued, St. Peter sternly marches up and handcuffs the offender to the ugliest woman the three have ever seen. "You were warned! Now you're attached to her for all eternity!"
The other two are now much more careful about trying to avoid stepping on ducks, but as luck would have it, one of them manages to do so, to the same scenario with an even uglier woman.
The remaining man is so careful he can hardly move, but manages to go for several years without stepping on a duck.
In spite of this, he sees St. Peter sternly approaching him with a woman and a pair of handcuffs. But the woman isn't ugly, she's drop-dead gorgeous!
"I wonder what I did to deserve this?" mused the man.
The woman replies "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4kbeh/dont_step_on_a_duck/
%
A husband and wife are playing a crossword puzzle

Husband: Emphatic no, 5 letters.
Wife: Never.
Husband: Pistol, 3 letters.
Wife: Gun.
Husband: Disgust, 3 letters.
Wife: Ugh.
Husband: Charity, 4 letters.
Wife: Give.
Husband: Female sheep, 3 letters.
Wife: Ewe.
Husband: Pixar movie, 2 letters.
Wife: Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4karr/a_husband_and_wife_are_playing_a_crossword_puzzle/
%
I really like telling children at the station...

...that the way to Hogwarts is just a matter of speed.
\*SmAacK!
"try again faster."
\*SMACK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4jzwv/i_really_like_telling_children_at_the_station/
%
A ladu goes to the dentist..

...he looks in her mouth and says "that tooth needs to come out".
She says "oh no I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth pulled".
He says "ok but make up your mind I need to adjust the chair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4jzib/a_ladu_goes_to_the_dentist/
%
Wise decision

A man gets home after leaving work early and finds his wife in bed with a stranger.
He silently grabs his pistol, making sure that he doesn't get noticed by his wife and her lover, and prepares to shoot them both.
Suddenly, a few thoughts come to his mind. He started to remember the previous six months.
&nbsp;
For some reason, his wife stopped asking him for money to buy new clothes, yet every other week, she came home with new clothes, new shoes, new earrings.
Their kids stopped going to public school. This year, they started going to that fancy private school with a very good reputation.
The new car, yeah that's right, his wife got a new car. He always thought it was a little weird, given that he doesn't get a raise in nearly 5 years, he can barely save money for himself, and his income is supposed to be higher than hers, but he never really gave it any thought.
Now that he thinks about it, despite his shit income, he's been eating like a king these past few months. There has always been food at the table, good food, steak every week, quality wine every so often, the fridge is full, he's been eating pretty much what he wants when he wants.
Bills? He now remembers that he's not been seeing them for a while. For some reason, the bills stopped being a problem, and now that he thinks about it, he never got to question why.
Life has been very good.
&nbsp;
He looks at his wife again, she's having sex with that stranger, a man he's never seen before in his life, shamelessly using his wife like she belongs to him, in that same bed he sleeps in.
Feelings of rage and disgust cloud his brain, he has the finger on the trigger, he's ready to shoot. But he starts thinking again.
&nbsp;
The truth was that his wife was a bomb. She's well in her forties, yet her beauty remains the same as when she was young, that woman seems imune to aging, even after giving birth to 2 kids. She had a good pair of tits, a round delicious booty, and sex with her was simply amazing.
Hell, seeing her in action right now was just reinforcing the idea of how perfect she was in bed.
&nbsp;
He stood there silent for one more minute, pointing his pistol at his wife and her lover, while reflecting on those thoughts.
Then, he silently puts his pistol back in its place, and slowly leaves the room, still careful so he doesn't get noticed.
He says to himself:
-The motherfucker pays for my wife's clothes, buys her a new car, pays for the kids private school, pays for the food so I get to eat like a king for free, and he even pays all our bills. Yet, at the end of the day, I still get to have passionate sex with my hot wife when I get home every day...
&nbsp;
He closes the door behind him, and laughing, reaches the conclusion:
-Well, fuck it... He's the cuckhold, not me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4jys5/wise_decision/
%
Never break someone's heart, they only have one.

Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4jyq0/never_break_someones_heart_they_only_have_one/
%
I am glad that No Nut November is finally over!

Now I can stop pretending that I didn't masturbate all month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4jjkr/i_am_glad_that_no_nut_november_is_finally_over/
%
Roses are red,

violets are red,
trees are red,
grass is red,
fu\*k my garden's on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4jcup/roses_are_red/
%
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4jazt/joe_passed_away_his_will_provided_30000_for_an/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4j28x/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
One day I shot an elephant in my pajamas

I'm still trying to figure out how it got in my pajamas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4j1mq/one_day_i_shot_an_elephant_in_my_pajamas/
%
Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve.

December 31st.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4j0o6/not_to_brag_but_i_already_have_a_date_for_new/
%
I went to a grocery store

It had a sign that says " no food or drinks inside"
I left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4izwx/i_went_to_a_grocery_store/
%
A judge in Soviet Russia walks out of a courtroom giggling to himself.

Another judge stops him and asks what's so funny.
"Oh man, I just heard this joke about Comrade Stalin in my courtroom."
"I wan't to hear it" says the second judge.
The first judge says, "No way, I just gave someone 25 years in the gulag for it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4izlh/a_judge_in_soviet_russia_walks_out_of_a_courtroom/
%
Me and my friend are going to form a band called 'the duvets'

Mainly going to be a cover band

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4iy50/me_and_my_friend_are_going_to_form_a_band_called/
%
The Cleveland Browns are covering the playing field in cardboard for Sunday's game.

Because they always play better on paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4ixoo/the_cleveland_browns_are_covering_the_playing/
%
My 5 year old just got me with this one last night right before we fell asleep:

Him: Dad, will you remember me tomorrow?
Me: Of course!
Him: Will you remember me in a week?
Me: Yes.
Him: Will you remember me in a month?
Me: Yes..
Him: Will you remember me in a year?
Me: Yes.
Him: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Him: Whaaaaaaaat? You forgot me already?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4io0n/my_5_year_old_just_got_me_with_this_one_last/
%
If you want to hear a joke about construction...

...come back later. I'm still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4igt3/if_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_construction/
%
Why don't Calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4ifsh/why_dont_calculus_majors_throw_house_parties/
%
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4id0e/whats_the_difference_between_mashed_potatoes_and/
%
If I bet a prostitute she couldn’t make me orgasm,

is that gambling or prostitution?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4ic4l/if_i_bet_a_prostitute_she_couldnt_make_me_orgasm/
%
My wife and I are total opposites

We got in an argument about it.
I was right.
She left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4iase/my_wife_and_i_are_total_opposites/
%
Man in a helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4i6ur/man_in_a_helicopter/
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A lot of people think that women have more trouble getting pregnant after age 30...

But that’s actually a missed conception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4i4sg/a_lot_of_people_think_that_women_have_more/
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I couldn't figure out how the seatbelt worked.

Then it just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4i3td/i_couldnt_figure_out_how_the_seatbelt_worked/
%
Her: “Sex last night was ok.” Him: “Sex last night was so hot, we set the bed on fire!”

Fact vs. Friction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4hs5k/her_sex_last_night_was_ok_him_sex_last_night_was/
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“Dad, what’s the quickest way to get to the airport?”

Dad: Terminal velocity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4hekn/dad_whats_the_quickest_way_to_get_to_the_airport/
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My dentist removed the wrong tooth

It was accidental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4hbb2/my_dentist_removed_the_wrong_tooth/
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In 1910 a Russian man was ranting and raving about Tsar Nicolas II

“Nicolas is an idiot! Nicolas is a moron!” He shouted in the streets.
He was arrested by the police for defaming the monarch and quickly denied his remarks.
“I meant another Nicolas!”
The police replied, “If you said idiot you were most definitely talking about the Tsar.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4h954/in_1910_a_russian_man_was_ranting_and_raving/
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What do you call someone who postpones doing things for a little bit but then does them anyway?

An amateurcrastinator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4h5j6/what_do_you_call_someone_who_postpones_doing/
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What do you call someone with dwarfism who does a pirouette?

A midget spinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4h1l3/what_do_you_call_someone_with_dwarfism_who_does_a/
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A lawyer is cross-examining a doctor on the stand.

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Doctor: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Doctor: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4gvsi/a_lawyer_is_crossexamining_a_doctor_on_the_stand/
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Great news for insomniacs

Only 2 more sleeps until Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4gi69/great_news_for_insomniacs/
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I heard that sperm is the strongest glue ever.

It might be true : I've never seen a baby falling apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4gaoa/i_heard_that_sperm_is_the_strongest_glue_ever/
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How do they know Jesus wasn't born in Alabama?

They couldn't find Three Wise Men and a Virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4g2j9/how_do_they_know_jesus_wasnt_born_in_alabama/
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A robot musician’s collection of instruments will never be complete.

They can never get any organs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4fpcw/a_robot_musicians_collection_of_instruments_will/
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I heard that my cow just got pregnant!

But it turns out that it was just a load of bull!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4ebek/i_heard_that_my_cow_just_got_pregnant/
%
What's Kool-Aid man's favorite sport?

Baseball. He's a pitcher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4e89k/whats_koolaid_mans_favorite_sport/
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A convict finally escaped prison after digging a tunnel in his cell for years

He resurfaces in a kindergarten playground with children playing and no cops in sight.
He could barely contain his excitement and screams, "I'm Free! I'M FREE!"
A kid next to him looks at him and says, "So what? I'm four"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4dzqx/a_convict_finally_escaped_prison_after_digging_a/
%
An idiot was sitting by a well and kept repeating “four four four four...

A man comes along and asks “Why do you...aaaaaah!” He’s thrown in the well. The idiot continues “five five five...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4drng/an_idiot_was_sitting_by_a_well_and_kept_repeating/
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When I first met my wife, I was worried she would find my fetish off-putting...

...but I got off on the right foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4dhdy/when_i_first_met_my_wife_i_was_worried_she_would/
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What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k?

HDMI
edit because everyone's yelling at me: its a repost. please stop downvote spamming my comments
edit 2: i dont know why it got tagged as nsfw. please stop asking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4d3be/what_did_master_yoda_say_when_he_first_saw/
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A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the jungle...

They’re very tired, and they decide to take a shortcut across a nearby river to quickly reach  their camp.
As they cross the river, a tribe of savages charge out of the trees and surround them. The tribe Chief steps forward and says
“This river sacred ground... you trespass on sacred ground! Now, as punishment, you DIE.”
The Chief goes on to explain that after they kill them, the tribe will use their skin to make canoes. They will then sail these canoes on the river as a warning to future trespassers.
However, (as he is a kind leader) the Chief decides that although the three men  must die, they may choose how they die and even do it themselves if they wish. The three men agree, and the Englishman goes first
“I would like a gun, please”
The Chief hands him a gun. The Englishman thanks him, shouts “GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!” and blows his own brains out. The tribe drag his corpse away to turn into a canoe. The Frenchman goes next
“I would like some poison, si vous plait”
The Chief hands him some poison. The Frenchman thanks him, shouts “VIVA LA FRANCE!” and drinks it. He instantly dies, and the tribe drag his corpse away to turn into a canoe. Finally, it’s the Scotsman’s turn
“I want a fork”
The Chief is very confused, but nevertheless hands him a fork. The Scotsman thanks the Chief, before beginning to frantically stab himself all over his body. His arms, legs, face, chest, back, anywhere he can reach. After a good thirty seconds, he finally drops the fork, blood now gushing from the hundreds of tiny holes across his body.
“There goes yer canoe ya fat c*nt”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4czhw/a_scotsman_an_englishman_and_a_frenchman_are/
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My GF's famous on Pornhub!!!!!!!

She'll kill me if she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4cnz1/my_gfs_famous_on_pornhub/
%
A scientist walks into a bar

He sees a colleague from work and starts chatting him up. The first scientist says to the bartender, "I'll have a glass of H2O". The second scientist says, "I'll have a water as well". He then turns to his colleague. "Y'know, we're off work. You don't have to use the technical terms here". The first scientist silently steams over his water, furious that his assassination plan had failed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4cgrf/a_scientist_walks_into_a_bar/
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Problem with windows

Wife text husband on a cold winter morning :
"Windows frozen won't open"
Husband texts back :
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edge with hammer"
Wife text's back 10 minutes later :
"Computer really messed up now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4cc19/problem_with_windows/
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Wife : I have to tell you something.

Husband : Yes?
Wife : I am pregnant.
Husband : Hi pregnant, I am dad.
Wife : No you're not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4cam2/wife_i_have_to_tell_you_something/
%
An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts.

So the driver
happily munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a
handful more peanut.
Driver: Why don't you eat them
yourself?
Old lady: I can't chew. Look, I
have no teeth.
Driver: Then why do you buy
them?
Old lady: Oh, I just love the
chocolates around them.
TLDR : Old lady sucks driver's nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4c4ex/an_old_lady_offers_the_bus_driver_some_peanuts/
%
What’s the difference between a Necrophiliac and a Necromancer?

Flowers...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4c2hm/whats_the_difference_between_a_necrophiliac_and_a/
%
A church's bell ringer passed away.

So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting
the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below.
Two guys
were walking past.
One asked, "Do you
know this guy?"
The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position.
He also
has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below
The same two guys walk by
The first asks, "Do you know him?"
The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4bzbw/a_churchs_bell_ringer_passed_away/
%
After my accident, i woke up in a hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said "You may not feel anything from the waist down".

So I felt her breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4bq34/after_my_accident_i_woke_up_in_a_hospital_with_a/
%
A Preacher fell in the ocean...

and he couldn't swim.
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4bgtx/a_preacher_fell_in_the_ocean/
%
What kind of key opens a banana?

A monkey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4bf27/what_kind_of_key_opens_a_banana/
%
US presidents are on a sinking ship

Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first!"
Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4bemw/us_presidents_are_on_a_sinking_ship/
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What do you call a bunch of white men sitting on a bench?

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4b5m3/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_men_sitting_on/
%
Why couldn't the Toliet paper cross the road?

Cas' it got stuck in the cracks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4aigf/why_couldnt_the_toliet_paper_cross_the_road/
%
Tired

Shawn: Yawns
Sean: Yeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4aejs/tired/
%
Yo Mama

You know your mama is a very religious woman. But she is so fat it doesn't seem to help her much. Every time she says, "Get thee behind me Satan!", he looks at her and says "How?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4ackd/yo_mama/
%
Olie gets pulled over for speeding through town with a pig in the passenger seat.

So Olie gets pulled over by an officer of the law for running 100 mph through the middle of town with a pig in the passenger seat.  The officer says "What in the world are you doing Olie?  What's the hurry?"  He says, "I"m just a trying to get dis here pig back to the farmer whose truck dis pig fell off of. "  The officer explains the farmer has been gone an hour but if he will take the pig to the zoo first thing in the morning he'd just give him a warning.  "OK" says Olie.  The next day about noon the officer sees Olie with the pig, windows down, driving through the middle of town and pulls him over again.  He says to Olie, "I told you to take that pig to the zoo!"  Olie says, "I did take him to the Zoo first thing this morning.    We had so much fun that we are headed over to da movies this afternoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4a8ir/olie_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding_through_town/
%
How much does the world’s largest Chinese dumpling weigh?

WonTon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e49z91/how_much_does_the_worlds_largest_chinese_dumpling/
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What I if told you

You read the title wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e49wga/what_i_if_told_you/
%
I was eating steak at a restaurant.

A girl with a pro-vegan shirt on walked to me and said "Enjoying your meat, murderer?"
Jesus Christ, Sydney. It was 15 years ago, and your dad had a gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e49q3v/i_was_eating_steak_at_a_restaurant/
%
I always wondered what suicide is like

I’m dying to know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e49osg/i_always_wondered_what_suicide_is_like/
%
whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e49euo/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
%
Why are the Great Lakes running out of water?

Because Americans are drinking Canada Dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e49eb2/why_are_the_great_lakes_running_out_of_water/
%
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.

He said, "Yes, ít is a violin. That is how you hold it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e49bx9/i_asked_my_musician_friend_if_he_plays_by_ear/
%
You hear about the Anthrax scare at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility?

A white powder was found on the Dallas Cowboys practice field. The team offense had never seen anything like it.
Upon further inspection, it turned out to be the goal line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e493lo/you_hear_about_the_anthrax_scare_at_the_dallas/
%
This is my horse, Mayo

Freind: Why did you call him that? He isn't even a white horse
Mayo: [Neighs]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e483t1/this_is_my_horse_mayo/
%
Two cannibals are eating a clown

One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e483h4/two_cannibals_are_eating_a_clown/
%
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.

I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e483b4/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts_anonymous/
%
A book fell on my head today

I blame my shelf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e47ni8/a_book_fell_on_my_head_today/
%
Bathroom leprechaun

Buddy is at the bar and heads to the bathroom. There’s a little person at the urinal and he’s standing WELL back. Guy can’t help but noticing the midget has a fucking huge cock.
“Holy shit!  How’d such a little guy like you end up with such a huge dick?!?”
“I’m a leprechaun, see?  I wished it to me self”
“No shit!  I want a giant dong, too!  Wish me one”
“That’s not how it works, laddy. Can’t be givin away free wishes, willy nilly. “
“Come on man, help me out”
“I’ll tell ye what I’ll do lad. I’ll wish ye a giant tallywhacker, if ye let me fuck ye in the arse”
“WUT. I don’t think that thing would even fit!  I dunno.... hmmm giant weiner is worth it. Alright. Let’s do this”
So the buddy is getting railed by the leprechaun and he’s sweating and grunting
“What’s your name laddy?”
“B-b-billy”
“How old are ye Billy?
29
“Isn’t that a wee bit old to be believing in leprechauns?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e47jq3/bathroom_leprechaun/
%
My girlfriend said “Hey, unlock your phone, I need to see something...”

And I said, “I don’t even let my wife go through my phone. Why don’t you trust me?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e47hrj/my_girlfriend_said_hey_unlock_your_phone_i_need/
%
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman.

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've reading on Facebook lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e47fyp/a_blonde_teenager_wanting_to_earn_some_extra/
%
I accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together.

At first, I panicked.  Then I realized that it was always going to be okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e47f24/i_accidentally_superglued_my_thumb_index_finger/
%
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?

Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e478hy/how_did_dairy_queen_get_pregnant/
%
Two atoms are sitting in a bar

*One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron." The other asks "Are you sure?" To which the first replies, "I'm positive".*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e46qhf/two_atoms_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
In school

Teacher: What's 5x2?
Little Ahmed: 10.
Teacher: Very good. And what is 5x3?
Little Ahmed: 9
Teacher: No, try again.
Little Ahmed: 8
Teacher: RUN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e46l5n/in_school/
%
I like the way you're thinking.

Teacher: 3 birds are sitting on top of a roof and someone throws a rock and hits one off. How many birds are left?
Student: There are none left because the other two fly away whenever the other one is hit.
Teacher: Well actually there's still two left but I like the way you're thinking.
Student: Ok let me ask you a question.
Teacher: Ok.
Student: There are 3 women at an ice cream parlor one licks the ice cream, another one sucks it, and another one bites it, which one is in a relationship?
Teacher: I don't think this relates to the problem. But if I have to answer, probably the one that sucks it.
Student: No it's the one with a wedding ring but I like the way you're thinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e46k2a/i_like_the_way_youre_thinking/
%
Its not possible to plant flowers

If you haven't botany

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e45z96/its_not_possible_to_plant_flowers/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'll give you a drink if you tell me a meta-joke." So the guy says, "A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'll give you a drink if you tell me a meta-joke." So the guy says, "A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "here you go." So he gives the guy a drink." So he gives the guy a drink." So he gives the guy a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e45vrl/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Do you know what a kkk omelette contains?

Only the whites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e45hk0/do_you_know_what_a_kkk_omelette_contains/
%
A vegan, climate change activist and an MMA fighter all walk into a bar

How do I know this? Because NONE of them can stop telling me about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e44wi8/a_vegan_climate_change_activist_and_an_mma/
%
Doctor: What's wrong with your bother? Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.

Doctor: Really? How long has this been going on?
Boy: Five years.
Doctor: Five years! Why didn’t you bring him in earlier?
Boy: We needed the eggs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e44wgc/doctor_whats_wrong_with_your_bother_boy_he_thinks/
%
Someone cut off 8 of my fingers...

But I'm glad to report my typing speed is unaffected
(Credits to Mitch Hedberg)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e44rl3/someone_cut_off_8_of_my_fingers/
%
I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary.

I’m up to Mischief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e44lo6/im_tearing_out_pages_of_the_dictionary/
%
I've got my mother's eyes and my father's nose

I think my brother got the better deal, he got left their house and money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e44bvx/ive_got_my_mothers_eyes_and_my_fathers_nose/
%
Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school.

His mum says what did you learn in school today Johnny?
Johnny replies, obviously not a lot, I have to go again tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4460e/little_johnny_comes_home_from_his_first_day_at/
%
I buy a TV every year with a different amount of pixels.

It's my New Year's resolution !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e444zg/i_buy_a_tv_every_year_with_a_different_amount_of/
%
I knew I shouldn’t have started dating a bull fighter—

There were big red flags!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e43uej/i_knew_i_shouldnt_have_started_dating_a_bull/
%
How do you make a redditor curious?

I'll tell you next week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e43s79/how_do_you_make_a_redditor_curious/
%
If I had to rate our solar system

I’d give it one star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e43qnp/if_i_had_to_rate_our_solar_system/
%
I think gay people should be able to get married.

So they can experience hell before they get sent there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e43pyr/i_think_gay_people_should_be_able_to_get_married/
%
Why was the baby ant confused?

Because all of his uncles were ants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e43idu/why_was_the_baby_ant_confused/
%
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?

Move him to the front yard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e43bs1/how_do_you_make_a_dog_stop_barking_in_the_backyard/
%
Colleges are just like lightbulbs...

The cheap ones work just as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e43aau/colleges_are_just_like_lightbulbs/
%
Three men are sitting in a bar with a buy 3 get one free special

One says, "this deal is crap, we could go down the street to McVee's, it's buy two get one free"
The second guy says, "yeah well I always go to O'Donnell's, it's buy one get one."
The third says, "that's nothing, I know a bar that gives you the first *three* beers for free, then they take you in the back and you get laid!"
The other two are shocked and skeptical and ask, "has that ever happened to you?"
And he says, "No, but it happens to my sister all the time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e432ns/three_men_are_sitting_in_a_bar_with_a_buy_3_get/
%
"What is the opposite of Laughing?", The teacher asks the student.

Student replies, "Fucking."
The stunned teacher asks the student to explain his answer.
The student says " Laughing is ha ha ha; Whereas, Fucking is ah ah ah"!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e432i4/what_is_the_opposite_of_laughing_the_teacher_asks/
%
A vampire walks into a bar..

A vampire walls into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for a cup of hot water. The bartender replies "I thought you guys drank blood.." The vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says "I'm making tea".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e42s6t/a_vampire_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man walks into a bar...

...with a little monkey on his shoulder. Man orders a beer and the little monkey is excitedly looking around at all the sights. Man sips on his beer and the monkey spies a bowl of peanuts at one end of the bar so he scampers over and proceeds to scarf down all the peanuts. Bartender sees all this, looks a little annoyed but keeps quiet. The monkey has returned to sit on the mans shoulder again, continues to look around excitedly and spies a bowl of popcorn at the other end of the bar. The monkey again hops off the mans shoulder, runs over and eats all the popcorn then runs back to the man and hops back up on his shoulder. The man continues to sip on his beer. The bartender sighs, but again doesn’t say anything.
Behind the man, a pool game is being played which has caught the monkeys attention. The monkey jumps onto the pool table, scurries over and grabs the cue ball, pops it into his mouth and swallows it. At this point the patrons are grumbling and the bartender tells the man, “Listen, I didn’t say anything when your monkey ate all the peanuts, or when he ate all the popcorn. But now he’s swallowed the cue ball and my patrons can’t play pool!”
The man apologizes profusely and offers to pay for the damages and leaves.
A few weeks later, the same man walks into the same bar with the same monkey on his shoulder. Man orders a beer while the monkey again proceeds to scope the place out. At the end of the bar is a bowl of cherries. The monkey runs over to the bowl, grabs a cherry, sticks the cherry in his rear then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is horrified and turns to the man, “did you just see what your nasty little monkey did?!?! He stuck a cherry in his butt, pulled it back out and then ate it!”
The man replies, “yeah...ever since the cue ball incident he measures everything first.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e42pea/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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The human cannonball at the circus decided to quit...

"But you can't quit!", cried the ringmaster. "Where am I going to find another man of your calibre??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e42jnk/the_human_cannonball_at_the_circus_decided_to_quit/
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An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e42ijv/an_atheist_in_hell/
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What is Tesla's favorite gun?

A musket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4255i/what_is_teslas_favorite_gun/
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Where do naughty rainbows go?

Prism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e41yy4/where_do_naughty_rainbows_go/
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A Young Scotsman leaves home and moves to New York.

After six months his mum calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans.“Horrible,” he says. “They’re always yelling and screaming. I hate how they constantly pound on the walls and stomp the floors.”“How do you get by?” she asks.“I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes,” says the lad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e41xoz/a_young_scotsman_leaves_home_and_moves_to_new_york/
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Two nums were ordered to paint the sanctuary which was being refurbished.

To avoid splattering paint on their habits, they decided to lock the doors and paint in the nude.
After a while, they heard a knock on the door and asked "Who is it?"
The answer came back "Blind man!"
They shrugged and decided to open the door, the blind man couldn't see their immodest state.
He goggles a bit, then says "Nice tits, sister! Where do you want these blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e41icj/two_nums_were_ordered_to_paint_the_sanctuary/
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Why shouldn’t you eat a clock

It’s real time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e41bol/why_shouldnt_you_eat_a_clock/
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Why did the fish accept its death after losing its respiratory organs?

Because it lost the gill to live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e410vi/why_did_the_fish_accept_its_death_after_losing/
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The most nervous person in the world

Is Gordon Ramsey's wife before he eats her pussy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e4108q/the_most_nervous_person_in_the_world/
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A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied: “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his name, address and phone number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse came out and asked the man what he had. The man said: “Shingles!"
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later another nurse came in and asked him what he had. The man said: “Shingles!!"
So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found the man sitting patiently in the nude and asked him what he had.
The man said: “Shingles!!!”
The doctor asked: “What makes you so sure?”
The man answered: “ They're outside on the truck!!! Where do you want me to unload them?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e40uua/a_man_walked_into_a_doctors_office_and_the/
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Germans are not funny.

Because they have the wurst jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e40u72/germans_are_not_funny/
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How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Add spring water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e40h2m/how_do_you_make_a_waterbed_more_bouncy/
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Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired?

She couldn't control her pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e40g8u/why_did_the_crosseyed_teacher_get_fired/
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A Priest and a Taxi Driver Were Waiting in Line for Judgment at the Pearly Gates

The taxi driver was first. He went to St. Peter and said," I am Brandon Wilson. Taxi driver in New York for fifteen years." Saint Peter looked at his list and smiled. "Welcome Mr. Wilson. Take this silken robe and this golden staff and enter the gates of Heaven."  The taxi driver walked through the gates wearing his silken and robe and bearing his golden staff. The priest then walked to Saint Peter and boomed," I am Father Dan Snow who has preached at Saint Mary's Church for fifty years." St.Peter looked at his list and smiled. Welcome Mr. Snow take this wool robe and this wooden staff and enter the gates of Heaven." "Wait a minute", the priest said,"Why does the taxi driver get a better robe and staff than me? I've spent almost my whole life dedicated to the church!"  "Up here we work by results." said Saint Peter."While he drove, people prayed, while you preached, people slept."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e402on/a_priest_and_a_taxi_driver_were_waiting_in_line/
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Don't have sex with blondes.

That would be fucking stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3zw6l/dont_have_sex_with_blondes/
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A man walks into a bar

and asks the bartender for a glass of less. The bartender looks at the man confused “ Whats less?”
The man then shrugs his shoulders “ im not sure, but my doctor tells me i should be drinking it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3zml1/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3zj3g/whats_the_best_thing_about_dating_a_homeless_girl/
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A guy once killed someone with a mist maker.

It was fogged up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3yhyw/a_guy_once_killed_someone_with_a_mist_maker/
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My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quite while she tried to cook dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3y51b/my_wife_asked_me_if_she_could_have_some_peace_and/
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Just taught my kids about taxes

by eating 38% of their ice cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3y3f6/just_taught_my_kids_about_taxes/
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300 Bricks on a plane

There are 300 bricks on a plane, 1 falls off. How many are left? Pretty simple, 299.
What are the 3 steps to put an elephant in a fridge? Easy, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, and close the fridge.
What are the 4 steps to put a Giraffe in the fridge? Easy, open the fridge, take out the elephant, put the giraffe inside, then close the fridge.
The lion, king of the jungle, is hosting his birthday party. He invited every single animal, but 1 did not attend. Who did not attend the party? The Giraffe, it was stuck inside the fridge.
An adventurer, named sally, has to cross an aligator infested river. There is no bridge, no boat, so she must swim. She swims across without a scratch. How? Well, the alligators are at the lion’s Birthday party.
But, soon after sally leaves the river, she dies. How?
She got hit in the head with a brick...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3y0y1/300_bricks_on_a_plane/
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A son asks his father, “Daddy, what’s an alcoholic like?”

The dad responds, “Son, do you see those two cars over there? An alcoholic would see four.”
The son says, “But daddy, there’s only one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3xwvc/a_son_asks_his_father_daddy_whats_an_alcoholic/
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"Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?"

No idea, they just ransomware

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3xeuh/hey_officer_how_did_the_hackers_escape/
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I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3xedh/i_cant_believe_i_was_arrested_for_impersonating_a/
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A prolific composer dies and is buried in him hometown.

Weeks after the funeral, one of the townspeople gets drunk and tries to find his way home. In his drunken stupor, he finds himself lost in the graveyard. When he comes across the composer's grave, he begins to hear a strange, haunting melody. This terrifies him, and he runs out of the graveyard screaming.
The next day, the drunk recounts the experience to his drinking buddies. None of them believe a single word, but his best friend, aiming to put his fears to rest, goes out into the graveyard himself. To his surprise, he hears the same haunting melodies. He quickly brings this to the attention of the town, who begin to crowd around the composer's grave. Eventually, the town music teacher is asked to identify the songs. He puts his ear to the grave:
"Strange! This is his 8th symphony, but backwards!"
The town gasps. The teacher raises his hand to indicate he's not done.
"Now it's his 7th symphony backwards! Now his 6th, now his 5th, and-"
The teacher blinks, then gets up and begins brushing off his clothes.
"No need to be alarmed. He's just decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3xdl0/a_prolific_composer_dies_and_is_buried_in_him/
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What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3xc5i/what_do_you_call_a_pig_with_three_eyes/
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3 drunk friends get into a taxi

The driver thinks that they're drunk af so they wouldn't know anything. So he just starts the engine, drives 100 meters and stops like, "here you go boys. We have reached."
The first guy says, "Wow. Time is fast jason. Isn't it?" And gets off the car
The second guy goes like, "Andrew I don't care. I need to pee. Just get off this car" and he gets his way out as well.
The third guy gives a look at the taxi driver, gets off the taxi and slaps the driver. The driver was shocked. Then he goes, "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME. YOU NEARLY KILLED US."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3x72y/3_drunk_friends_get_into_a_taxi/
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As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and butterflies in my stomach.

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3x400/as_i_looked_into_her_eyes_i_felt_my_knees_go_weak/
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Me at interview

Interviewer: Where do you se yourself in 32 days
Me: I dont know I dont have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3wsy1/me_at_interview/
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Same old cow

My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if  every time was with the same old cow.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3wol8/same_old_cow/
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Corn is the Houdini of food.

It disappears one day and reappears the next.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3wd63/corn_is_the_houdini_of_food/
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Fewer people are decorating eggs these days ...

It’s a dyeing art.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3vy75/fewer_people_are_decorating_eggs_these_days/
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I really don’t get why people on Reddit don’t get along with vegans.

I’ve never had a beef with one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3vxhu/i_really_dont_get_why_people_on_reddit_dont_get/
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An Irishman walks into a bar

and he lived happily ever after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3vrag/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar/
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Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”
“What? He had two arseholes?” said the mortician.
“Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes’.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3vg1p/paddy_died_in_a_fire_and_was_burnt_pretty_badly/
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How come when a woman is pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations.

But no one rubs your balls and says good job?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3ve6c/how_come_when_a_woman_is_pregnant_everyone_rubs/
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The only thing flat earthers fear

Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3v8r2/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
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What do you call a 60 year old that hasn't reached puberty?

A late boomer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3v2mi/what_do_you_call_a_60_year_old_that_hasnt_reached/
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It took me a while to get this...funny when I did though

Cats probably wonder why soda cans/bottles yell "FUCK OFF" when they are opened...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3v0kj/it_took_me_a_while_to_get_thisfunny_when_i_did/
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My dick was in the Guinness book of world record

Shortly after I got kicked out the library

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3uxgv/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_record/
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How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3uwhu/how_do_you_make_a_blonde_laugh_on_a_saturday/
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r/Jokes A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, ‘Lool Area’

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.
“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’.”
The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.
There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.”
Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read: line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM.
Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3uorh/rjokes_a_man_walks_into_a_resort_and_the_first/
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An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are in a bar with their sons.

They start to introduce their sons to the rest of the group.  The Englishman says "This is my son George.  We called him that because he was born on St George's Day."
The Scotsman says "This is my son Andrew.  We called him that because he was born on St Andrew's Day."
The Irishman looks at his son and says "Grab your coat, Pancake.  We're out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3um7z/an_englishman_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are_in_a/
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I was having sex with my wife last night...

I was having sex with my wife last night when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”
“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”
“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3udwz/i_was_having_sex_with_my_wife_last_night/
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My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies.

I think she's dumpling me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3ude5/my_girlfriend_gave_me_a_steamed_ball_of_dough/
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An American soldier captured an Australian soldier in US soil

The American soldier asked
“Did you come here to die?!”
The Australian responded
“No Sir! I came here yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3u7kw/an_american_soldier_captured_an_australian/
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Why do moon rocks taste better than earth rocks?

Because they're meteor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3u1bc/why_do_moon_rocks_taste_better_than_earth_rocks/
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I named my cat Brexit

Because he meows loudly to be let out but just stands there when I open the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3trif/i_named_my_cat_brexit/
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My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3trgc/my_girlfriend_and_i_had_sex_a_couple_of_days_ago/
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You should never have sex with reptiles

You really don't want to contract gator AIDS. Horrible disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3tka8/you_should_never_have_sex_with_reptiles/
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Ah sed to me Yorkshire mate, "Dosta know who built t'Ark?"

'E sed, "Aye, Noah"
Ah sed, "Mek up thy mind!"
Daft bugger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3tjxv/ah_sed_to_me_yorkshire_mate_dosta_know_who_built/
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Why don't vegan wives swallow?

Because they are married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3t8z0/why_dont_vegan_wives_swallow/
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What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

**A rebel without a Claus.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3t8hx/what_do_you_call_a_kid_who_doesnt_believe_in_santa/
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As a child I hated going to weddings.

All the old aunts would grab my cheek and whisper in a conspiring voice "You're next."
They only stopped saying it when I began doing the same to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3t806/as_a_child_i_hated_going_to_weddings/
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Life struggles: a dialogue between a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis

So there was a cucumber, pickle, and penis talking about how bad their lives were.
The cucumber says, "My life is terrible! I start out living the dream, just chilling in the garden, soaking up the sun, growing bigger and stronger. Then when I get all big and hard they pluck me out of paradise and I get stuffed in a jar full of vinegar where I'm left there to shrivel up and get all wrinkly.
The pickle replies by saying, "You think that's bad? When I finally get freed from that jar of captivity that you complain about, they'll either bite me or chop me up and put me in a salad!
The penis exclaims," That's nothing! My life is by far the worst! When I get big and hard they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I puke and pass out!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3shek/life_struggles_a_dialogue_between_a_cucumber_a/
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The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!

On an unrelated note, I suck at darts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3sam8/the_craziest_thing_happened_at_a_bar_tonight_a/
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In Jesus's time, some heard and didn't believe that He was the son of God. They said no way. His rebuttal.....

Yahweh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3s8pq/in_jesuss_time_some_heard_and_didnt_believe_that/
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A man walks into a Subway...

Every Friday, the man goes to Subway to purchase the "sub of the week", each comprised of several ingredients never before heard of.
However, he walks in the Subway and quickly finds that the sub, oddly named Arjoques, is completely identical to a sandwich he had purchased at Jimmy John's only a day before, comprised of common meats and cheeses he had eaten many times before.
The man then recalls that a Subway in a city nearby had recently been involved in a scandal, in which they were accused of stealing ingredients from a nearby warehouse to cut costs.
Upset but hungry, he purchases the sub. After taking the sandwich from the bag, an equally disapproving worker comes up to him and says "Sorry sir, but the Arjoques sub doesn't have any original contents. Everything in here is stolen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3rwdv/a_man_walks_into_a_subway/
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What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3rvyt/whats_big_and_grey_and_doesnt_matter/
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I ran into my ex the other day.

Then I put it in reverse and double tapped just to be sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3rgzk/i_ran_into_my_ex_the_other_day/
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So there was this Baker who did a favor for his friend. The friend said "thank you very much, I really appreciate it." The baker replied.

"It's not a problem, it's the yeast I could dough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3raoa/so_there_was_this_baker_who_did_a_favor_for_his/
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How do you know if your cell mate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3r48v/how_do_you_know_if_your_cell_mate_is_gay/
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Three guys walk into a bar

The fourth one ducks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3qsvh/three_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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I just found out Yoda's last name.

It's Layheehoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3qqy6/i_just_found_out_yodas_last_name/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3qf7j/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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Your opinion on the Harry Potter movie adaptations?

I thought that they were pretty good, and stayed faithful to the books. Although in my opinion, Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3qey7/your_opinion_on_the_harry_potter_movie_adaptations/
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I don't tell jokes about metal

They're too ironic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3q3z9/i_dont_tell_jokes_about_metal/
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During WWII why did every German U-Boat have a dog for a mascot?

So they could have a sub-woofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3q2xr/during_wwii_why_did_every_german_uboat_have_a_dog/
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What is the hardest part of rollerblading?

Telling your parents that you are gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3q0xi/what_is_the_hardest_part_of_rollerblading/
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My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him for years.
In addition to all these traits, grandpa was a rather short man. Everyone he met called him a leprechaun, always asking him for his pot of gold or his Lucky Charms. They even called him a leprechaun while he still lived in Ireland, saying he was the spitting image of one.
At first, he was annoyed, just wanting to get a drink without the hassle. But after a while, he began to take advantage of the name. He was always getting people at the bar to do stupid stuff for a chance at a pot of gold. After all, it isn't that hard to convince a drunk person that a short Irish ginger is an actual leprechaun.
He was doing this for decades, and without fail there would always be at least one person at the bar he frequents that would try to get a pot of gold.
Many years passed, and grandpa started to go to the bar less and less. He said since he was getting older, he would much rather stay at home and watch whatever is on the television instead of going out to bars, getting drunk and playing pranks.
A few years later, grandpa was hospitalized. Doctors said it was his liver failing. Even though he stopped drinking recently, all the decades of abuse his liver took have finally caught up to him. Instead of being horrified or worried, grandpa looked peaceful, almost relieved. He began to calmly write his will, giving his possessions away to family members.
For most people, he wrote down normal items, like his car, television, or house. But he gave me something very different. Instead of including it in his will, he decided to give it to me in person when there was nobody else around.
"Listen," be began to say to me, "I need to tell you something very important. All those years of joking about being a leprechaun... those were not jokes. I really am a leprechaun. Here, take this." he said, handing me what looks like a small lump of metal. "That, my boy, is my pot of gold. It might not look like much now, but if you place it down at the end of a rainbow, it will explode into a shower of golden coins. It's very important that you tell nobody about this."
Of course, I thought he was just pulling another prank, like he has all these years before. But honestly, what do I have to lose? The next time I found a rainbow, I placed the metal at the end of it. I'm waiting for something to happen as I'm writing this, I'll keep you updated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3proy/my_grandfather_was_always_playing_pranks_on_people/
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I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3pqa2/i_want_to_tell_you_about_a_girl_who_only_eats/
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After spending some time in Canada, I think I'm only attracted to Canadians now.

You could say I'm eh-sexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3pkax/after_spending_some_time_in_canada_i_think_im/
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Elon Musk was forced to resign and King Julien took over

They needed someone who was more passionate about electric cars and who could beat King Julien? I mean everyone knows King Julien was in the “Mad at Gas Cars” movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3p6vo/elon_musk_was_forced_to_resign_and_king_julien/
%
Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3oser/why_does_santa_have_such_a_big_sack/
%
Why did the man get sacked from the calendar factory?

He decided to take a few days off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3orwr/why_did_the_man_get_sacked_from_the_calendar/
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A married couple had a fight and weren't speaking to each other for days. One evening, the husband leaves a message on his nightstand. "I have a very important meeting tomorrow that I cannot miss. Please wake me up at 9 am". The next day, he wakes up and looks at the time. It's almost 11...

Wondering if his wife hadn't seen or read the message, he looks at his note and sees a new note beside his that reads: "It's 9 o'clock. Time to wake up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3oriz/a_married_couple_had_a_fight_and_werent_speaking/
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What do you call a hippie's wife from the South?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3orft/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife_from_the_south/
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I called my girlfriend beautiful today

It’s a joke I don’t have a girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3oimq/i_called_my_girlfriend_beautiful_today/
%
What do French people smoke ?

Oui’d

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3ohs8/what_do_french_people_smoke/
%
My girlfriend left me because she has a foot fetish.

My dick is only 11 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3of55/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_she_has_a_foot/
%
I needed a new way of saying, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

I was in an argument with someone and didn't want to say, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."
And I came up with
"If the dildo fits then go fuck yourself."
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3of1r/i_needed_a_new_way_of_saying_if_the_shoe_fits/
%
Amazing BLACK FRIDAY deal:

Buy NOTHING and save up to 100% in EVERY STORE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3oegl/amazing_black_friday_deal/
%
I walked in on my parents having sex.

It was the most embarrassing 45 minutes of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3o2lz/i_walked_in_on_my_parents_having_sex/
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I told my sister in law I was telekinetic and could move things without touching then and she bet me it wouldn’t work on her breasts

and oh boy was she right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3o02i/i_told_my_sister_in_law_i_was_telekinetic_and/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
Bam
Bam, who?
No.  It's pronounced bamboo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3nzkh/knock_knock/
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Three vampires are sleeping in a crypt.

One of them wakes up and flies away.
When he comes back, blood is dripping from his teeth.
"Guys, see that house? I sucked out the people who lived there!"
After a while, the second vampire leaves the crypt.
When he comes back, his entire head is covered in blood.
"You won't believe what I just did! See that castle? I sucked out every last drop I found there!"
Finally the last vampire gets up and flies into the night.
After a few hours he returns. There's blood all over his body, he can hardly stand.
"See that tree?
I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3nq9r/three_vampires_are_sleeping_in_a_crypt/
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[At dinner] Her: We have to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes.

Me: Ok. And for the main course?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3nhzx/at_dinner_her_we_have_to_break_up_for_starters_im/
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Their was a fight at the sea food restaurant

battered fish every where

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3nfq6/their_was_a_fight_at_the_sea_food_restaurant/
%
What did the superconducter say when he was evicted from his property

Oh no! I'm ohmless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3ne16/what_did_the_superconducter_say_when_he_was/
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As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3n5pr/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
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What does a website for orphans look like?

Pretty empty, there’s not even a homepage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3n3ke/what_does_a_website_for_orphans_look_like/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is very heavy, the other one is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3n3jx/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Look a pig

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3msfy/look_a_pig/
%
He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this fucking car! you do it you smug bastard'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3mr76/he_was_in_ecstasy_with_a_smile_on_his_face_as_his/
%
On a sunny morning Brezhnev goes out on the balcony of his apartment

He looks to the east, and says, “Hello, sun!” The sun replies, “Good morning, dear Leonid Ilyich, the beloved leader of our glorious socialist motherland, the hope of all progressive humanity, and the guardian of peace on Earth!” In the evening, Brezhnev admires the beautiful sunset and fishes for a compliment: “Hello again, sun!” The sun answers, “Poshyol na khuy—go fuck yourself—I am in the West now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3mpeu/on_a_sunny_morning_brezhnev_goes_out_on_the/
%
How does a pirate cat-call in the 21st century?

Yo-ho!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3mntf/how_does_a_pirate_catcall_in_the_21st_century/
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Majority Rules

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority."Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"It was a beautiful, sunny day.
As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big “cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?" "So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3mczr/majority_rules/
%
How do we know that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens?

They had one apple between the two of them, they had no clothes, and they believed they were living in paradise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3m7wo/how_do_we_know_that_adam_and_eve_were_soviet/
%
A bee lives in America.

It's a USB.
.. Sorry guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3llfg/a_bee_lives_in_america/
%
If Penis Enlargement Cream Really Worked....

Wouldn't your Hands Get Bigger too?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3l9h9/if_penis_enlargement_cream_really_worked/
%
Green is my favourite colour

I love it even more than blue and yellow combined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3kz9u/green_is_my_favourite_colour/
%
Viking warlord Rudolph the Red is awoken suddenly in the night.

Opening his eyes, he turns over to look out his window. A loud pattering sound fills his hut. “What is that?” asks Rudolph’s wife.
Rudolph gets out of bed to get a closer look outside. After a few seconds of observation, he comes to a conclusion. “It’s raining,” he informs his wife. Sleepily, she yawns and asks, “how do you know? It sounds more like hail to me.”
Rudolph turns and replies, “because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3ktsf/viking_warlord_rudolph_the_red_is_awoken_suddenly/
%
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They hold the lightbulb, and the whole world revolves around them.
^stolen ^from ^OITNB ^:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3kq4z/how_many_narcissists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
An American and a Soviet get into an argument about their governments

The American said,"In my country I can walk into the oval office, pound the president's desk and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running our country.'"
The Russian said,"I can do that."
The American said,"You can?"
The Russian said,"Yes, I can go into the Kremlin to the General Secretary's office, pound his desk and say,'Mr.Gorbachev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country.'"
Source : Ronald Reagan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3kmkd/an_american_and_a_soviet_get_into_an_argument/
%
Here's some advice for all men

If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3khv0/heres_some_advice_for_all_men/
%
PETA is like a box of Chocolates

They kill dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3k8r6/peta_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
A bear walks into a bar, and sees that there isn’t a single spot at the bar available

He walks up to a seat, eats the woman sitting there in a single bite, and sits down.
He orders a drink and the bartender shakes his head, “Sorry, we don’t serve bears on drugs.”
“I’m not on drugs,” the bear replies.
“Well, that was just a bar bitch you ate!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3k25y/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_that_there_isnt/
%
What do you call a party for midgets?

A little get together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3k1c2/what_do_you_call_a_party_for_midgets/
%
65% of women will be objectified at some point in their lives.

The other 35% are probably ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3jx0i/65_of_women_will_be_objectified_at_some_point_in/
%
I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.
Now she's high on my to-do list

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3jq0w/i_made_a_list_of_things_i_needed_to_do_today/
%
The Indian chief goes to the white man doctor and asks "Too many papoose! What do?"

The doc gives him a condom, and explains the principles.
A couple of months later, the chief comes back, saying "No good! Right nut go urggh! Left nut go urrgh! Rubber go boom!"
So the doc cuts a few custom "rubbers" out of the fingers of a heavy duty latex glove, saying "Try these, they're stronger!"
Another month goes by, the chief comes back, saying "No good! Right nut go urggh! Left nut go urrgh! Rubber go boom!"
The doc wracks his brain before he remembers the heavy bicycle inner tube out in his garage. He fashions a few more out of these, and bades the chief to try them.
A week later, the chief comes back. His eyes are all sunken into his head, he looks dehydrated and in a lot of pain.
The doc asks "What happened?"
The chief replies "Left nut go urghh! Rubber go urghh! Right nut go boom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3jndt/the_indian_chief_goes_to_the_white_man_doctor_and/
%
Friend: I'm having a rough year. I have to crush cans for a living.

Me: That's Soda Pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3jeht/friend_im_having_a_rough_year_i_have_to_crush/
%
50 cents

This kid goes to his dad and say
- Dad I want to go to a 50 cents concert and I need money
The dad gives him $1 and say
- take your sister with you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3jcw0/50_cents/
%
What's the difference between a gay guy and a fridge

A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3j58y/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_guy_and_a/
%
You know what's easy to make? Shoe jokes.

Too bad they have no sole. They just seem to cobbled together. I'd like to boot anyone making shoe jokes from my life.
I assume you guys didn't get a kick out of that string of jokes, so I'll just sneak away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3j1cz/you_know_whats_easy_to_make_shoe_jokes/
%
Me: "What's your new dog's name?"

Friend: "No idea, he does not want to say it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3iwzd/me_whats_your_new_dogs_name/
%
Daddy brings his little son to bed

After a while, the mother carefully opens the door and asks quietly, "And has he already fallen asleep?" The little son answers: "Yes, and he snores!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3iutu/daddy_brings_his_little_son_to_bed/
%
When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo,

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3itrf/when_my_wife_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a/
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I've saved an absolute fortune this Black Friday.

I stayed in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3iktc/ive_saved_an_absolute_fortune_this_black_friday/
%
The pearly whites gates of heaven

A group of nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. Standing there is St andrew. The nuns line up and St andrew asks the first one question. He says
"Before you enter i must ask, have you ever touched a penis "
The nun quietly says "yes, but only with my fingertips" St andrew tells her to wash her fingertips in a bucket of holy water then you can enter.
The next nun walks up to St andrew and the same thing happens. When he asks the question she says "yes but only with my hands ". He again tells her to wash her hands in the holy water.
The other nuns realise what was going to bs asked of them and one particular nun rushed forwards and approaches St andrew. He asks why did she rush forward. The nun loudly says "before the nun behind me washes her ass I'd like to rinse my mouth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3ijkh/the_pearly_whites_gates_of_heaven/
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What do you call a pretty shocked girl?

Electocute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3ijba/what_do_you_call_a_pretty_shocked_girl/
%
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I think my greatest weakness is I don't listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3id1l/interviewer_where_do_you_see_yourself_in_five/
%
Today, I arrived at a local Black Friday sale at 7 AM and saw the riot police

I had never seen the riot police arrive this early before, so o asked them why they came so early.
One of them replied, “We arrived early, because we like to beat the crowd.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3i4ga/today_i_arrived_at_a_local_black_friday_sale_at_7/
%
My family keeps telling me I have a serious lunchmeat problem

But I can't just quit cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3i2uw/my_family_keeps_telling_me_i_have_a_serious/
%
A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaze upon them for eternity.”The Queen said nothing, but hiked up her skirt, pulled down her undies, shook up a bottle of Perrier she had in her handbag, then douched her twat with it.St Peter nodded and let the Queen pass through the pearly gates.“What the fuck is all that about?” yelled the porn star. “I show you two of God’s greatest achievements and NOTHING! That old bitch performs a disgusting act and you let her in?”“Sorry, love,” said St Peter, “but a royal flush beats a pair every time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3i1gl/a_queen_and_a_famous_porn_star_died_on_the_same/
%
You know who's my favourite X-men?

Caitlyn Jenner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3hxkq/you_know_whos_my_favourite_xmen/
%
"I stand corrected"

said the man in the orthopaedic shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3huqr/i_stand_corrected/
%
An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light

“Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”
“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”
He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”
“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”
They approach the next light. Just when it turns green, the driver slams on the brakes. The confused passenger asks, “You just ran two red lights; why’d you stop at a green?”
“I had to,” says the driver. “My brother might have been coming.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3htgd/an_uber_is_cruising_down_a_boulevard_when_it_runs/
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What do you call lizard picture posted on Reddit?

A karma chameleon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3hs6s/what_do_you_call_lizard_picture_posted_on_reddit/
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The chemistry teacher babbles on, "Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium..."

One of the students stands up and says, "BORON!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3hpnb/the_chemistry_teacher_babbles_on_yada_yada/
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I decided to take up plumbing

I didnt know it could be so faucinating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3hlaa/i_decided_to_take_up_plumbing/
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A guy walks into a bar

He sits down and orders a scotch, he takes a few sips and notices a jar filled with 20 dollar bills on the counter. He asks the bartender, " what's with the jar?" The bartender replies, "you put in a 20 to enter, if you complete the 3 challenges I give you, you get all the money in the jar." The guy says, " ok you git my attention, what are the challenges?" The bartender says, "first, you see that guy outside?" The man turns around to see a huge muscular man outside. "He's and asshole, I want you to knock him out. Second, my dogs in back, he's a mean son a bitch, hell bite your hand off, he's got a bad tooth, I need you to pull it. Third, my mom's upstairs, old but nice lady, she hasn't had a good time in forever, I need you to go and please her. And those are the tasks." The man pounds the scotch and says, "fuck it, I'm in." He puts a $20 in the jar and walks outside, walks up to the man and with a strong lucky blow, knock him out. Then he heads to the back. Every one  in the bar heard the dog bark and growl viciously then heard whimpering and extremely loud screaming from the dog. About 5 minutes later the man walks back in the bar. He says, "alright, wheres the old lady with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3higj/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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A woman was on her deathbed...

A woman was on her deathbed with her husband at her side when she told her husband....
Wife: When I die I expect you to get re married.
Husband: No! No one could ever replace you.
Wife: It's OK, I know you and I know you'll get lonely.
Husband:  No! I have the memory of our times and that's all I will ever need.
Wife: You can give her my clothes.
Husband: No!  I couldn't stand the thought of seeing someone else in your clothes.
Wife: And you can give her all my jewelry too!
Husband : No!  Those have memory's of when I bought them for you.
Wife:  I know how you love to golf, and even though I was no good at it, you still let me play.  So please at least give her my golf clubs so you can have someone to play with!
Husband: No! It would never work, she's left handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3hbq5/a_woman_was_on_her_deathbed/
%
The worst part about working at the unemployment office?

When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3h2oq/the_worst_part_about_working_at_the_unemployment/
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After a stressful takeoff

The pilot forgets to turn off the mic and says to the co-pilot, "Damn, i could really use a hot cup of joe and a blowjob right about now!".
The air hostess quickly runs back, panicking to the cockpit to warn the pilots.
As she is running a passenger yells "Dont forget the coffee!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3gz9d/after_a_stressful_takeoff/
%
My Statistics teacher said I was just average.

I told him that’s mean...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3gte4/my_statistics_teacher_said_i_was_just_average/
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The Rich Man and The Poor Man

Tony tells this in an episode of The Sopranos:
A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. Every year they meet on Madison Avenue, when they're shopping for their wives. The poor man says to the rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" Rich man says, "I got her a huge diamond ring, and a brand new Mercedes." The poor man asks, "what'd you get her both for?" The rich man responds, "if she doens't like the diamond ring, she can bring it back in the Mercedes and still be happy."
Rich man says to the poor man, "what'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo." "What'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for?" "If she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3gqs2/the_rich_man_and_the_poor_man/
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How many babies dose it take to stop a freight train

I don’t know I’m still counting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3gn2j/how_many_babies_dose_it_take_to_stop_a_freight/
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I recently finished my long overdue book on my favourite herb....

It’s about thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3gmlf/i_recently_finished_my_long_overdue_book_on_my/
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Why was the thorn kicked out of the rose?

Because he was being a prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3gf9e/why_was_the_thorn_kicked_out_of_the_rose/
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A guy felt a bit lonely

So he goes to a brothel and tells the madame that he wants something 'out of the oridinary'.
Madame replies: We've a goat. Do you want the goat?
The guy says: No, something even more kinky.
Madame: We've an alien from the planet Mars.
Guy: No, even more kinky.
Madame: We've a woman that will give you a blow job WHILE she is singing the national anthem to you.
Guy: I'll take it!
Madame: Fine, but you musn't turn the lights on. Do whatever you want with her but do it in the dark.
So the guy goes into a dark room, has his zipper undone and the blow job begins. After a few seconds the woman begins to sing the national anthem to him. The guy got really curious so he turned the lights on.
And the woman was missing an eyeball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3gdn0/a_guy_felt_a_bit_lonely/
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I just spent a ton of money on a new gaming rig

It set me back about £2,000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3g869/i_just_spent_a_ton_of_money_on_a_new_gaming_rig/
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A man gets fired by his boss

He turns in his gun and badge and goes to walk out.
His boss looks at him and says, "you're a waiter, where the hell did you get those?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3fxmo/a_man_gets_fired_by_his_boss/
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Friend: “You literally shat in the elevator.”

Me: “Same Shit different story.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3fxbt/friend_you_literally_shat_in_the_elevator/
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A man had won the lottery and quickly went home to tell his wife.

Man: Honey, I just won the lottery, pack your bags!
Wife: Oh, that's fantastic, where are we going?
Man: I don't know where you're going, just be gone by five.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3fvlv/a_man_had_won_the_lottery_and_quickly_went_home/
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I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3fsym/i_dont_know_what_the_big_deal_is_about_black/
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Horse Joke

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raised his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3fqhg/horse_joke/
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I am not afraid of death.

I just don't want to be there when it happens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3fjjk/i_am_not_afraid_of_death/
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Where did the branches of the armed services get their names from?

From the mili-tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3f8tm/where_did_the_branches_of_the_armed_services_get/
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What do you call an explosive monkey?

A baboom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3f8hb/what_do_you_call_an_explosive_monkey/
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Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when it goes to the bathroom?

Because the p is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3f0de/why_cant_you_hear_a_psychiatrist_when_it_goes_to/
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Bar owner confronts the bartender.

Owner: Have you been sleeping with the waitress?
Bartender: No!
Owner: Good, then YOU fire her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3ezqi/bar_owner_confronts_the_bartender/
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Can conspiracy theorists win a Nobel Prize?

They already have a Theory of Everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3eyy0/can_conspiracy_theorists_win_a_nobel_prize/
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What do you get when you mix human DNA and Zebra DNA?

You get kicked out of the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3ewnu/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_human_dna_and_zebra/
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My wife has a tattoo of a sea shell

on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3ev71/my_wife_has_a_tattoo_of_a_sea_shell/
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How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.
One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3euj9/how_many_freudian_analysts_does_it_take_to_change/
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What's a black cat's favorite color?

Purr-ple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3es7h/whats_a_black_cats_favorite_color/
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Where does a cow fart come from?

The dairy air

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3ejnm/where_does_a_cow_fart_come_from/
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What smells better than it tastes?

A nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3egqj/what_smells_better_than_it_tastes/
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What do you call a female elf?

Shelf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3efvr/what_do_you_call_a_female_elf/
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What do you get when you cross a Leopoard with a Panda?

Fired from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3edjg/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_leopoard_with_a/
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I did Nazi that coming

Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"
*Hitler rubs chin*: "So mine less"
*Grammar Nazi busts in*: "MINE FEWER"
*Hitler looks up*: "Yes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3e9pi/i_did_nazi_that_coming/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other ?

We better perk up or they'll think we're nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3e8pl/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other/
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What do you call the best condom in the world?

Inconceivable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3e6b5/what_do_you_call_the_best_condom_in_the_world/
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Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired.
Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3e58e/interviewer_how_do_you_explain_this_4_year_gap_on/
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Did you know you can make a hat out of any ship?

You just flip it over, that way its capsized....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3e0q5/did_you_know_you_can_make_a_hat_out_of_any_ship/
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When I was younger I wanted to be a film developer

But then I realized I didn't want to sit in a dark room alone with a bunch of negative people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3e09x/when_i_was_younger_i_wanted_to_be_a_film_developer/
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My wife told me, “It’s over,” and started to walk out on me. I just sat there.

I love watching the end credits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3dsfx/my_wife_told_me_its_over_and_started_to_walk_out/
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Why can't Superman beat Dracula?

Because he's afraid to go into the krypt tonite!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3diut/why_cant_superman_beat_dracula/
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to ride a horse or not to ride a horse

that is equestrian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3d8g6/to_ride_a_horse_or_not_to_ride_a_horse/
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Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”
The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”
The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.
The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3d79e/three_bulls_heard_that_the_rancher_was_going_to/
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What does Elton John say to mediocre jokes?

It’s a little bit funny...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3d045/what_does_elton_john_say_to_mediocre_jokes/
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Droids claim they were molested by George Lucas during filming for Star Wars...

#R2MeToo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3cvih/droids_claim_they_were_molested_by_george_lucas/
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Haha Granny is too smart to handle.

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3cl0v/haha_granny_is_too_smart_to_handle/
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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."
He knocks and a wizened old nun opens the door.
"$50 bucks to get fucked in here," she says.
The man forks over the money and runs inside. He goes down a long hallway and comes to another door. He knocks and a moderately attractive nun answers.
"$100 to get fucked by the Sisters of Mercy, friend."
He hands over the cash, runs through the door, down another hallway, and knocks on the door at the end.
A stunningly beautiful nun opens the door and says, "$500, best fucking of your life, just through here."
The man hands over the money, runs through the door and finds himself outside. The door slams shut behind him, and above the door he sees a sign.
"You have just been fucked by the Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3cjza/a_man_is_driving_along_a_dusty_old_back_road_when/
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Comparing cultures

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”
“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”
“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”
“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”
Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”
“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3c7zb/comparing_cultures/
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I asked what LGBT meant,

But I failed to get a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3c6x4/i_asked_what_lgbt_meant/
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Black Friday Special Offer!

Stay at home and save 100%!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3c6au/black_friday_special_offer/
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Andre: I call my invention the humidifier

DeAndre: umm... you’re not gonna like this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3c5dq/andre_i_call_my_invention_the_humidifier/
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Bought a Christmas tree today. The salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself.

I said no, in my living room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3c4dt/bought_a_christmas_tree_today_the_salesman_asked/
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I must have a fetish for circular logic

because I just came to this conclusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3c3oc/i_must_have_a_fetish_for_circular_logic/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3c04m/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Everyone knows what sin city is. But does anyone know what is den city?

Mass per unit volume

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3bou5/everyone_knows_what_sin_city_is_but_does_anyone/
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The Manager of a company has to make a hard choice:

Lay off Jack or Jane.
They are both superb workers, but the company has run into hard times.
In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets up from her desk to get some water.
The manager decides to use this opportunity to break the bad news to her.
Manager: "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I’ve got to lay you or Jack off..."
Jane: "Well, Jack off. I've got a hangover."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3bizc/the_manager_of_a_company_has_to_make_a_hard_choice/
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Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talking about different countries and major religions.

"Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?" one man asked his buddy.
"Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He's Chinese."
So they called the waiter and asked. "So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?" one man asked.
The waiter looked confused and said, "Sorry sir, let me ask the manager."
A few minutes later, the waiter came back and said, "No sir. No Chinese Jews."  The men couldnt believe this and asked him to go ask other waiters.
The waiter returned with the same answer; no Chinese Jews.
The men still couldnt believe him and sent him off once again. A good few minutes later, the waiter came and replied;
" Sir. I asked the Manager, the other waiters and even the chefs. Theres no Chinese Jews."
"We have Apple *Jews*, Orange *Jews*, Pineapple *Jews*, but no Chinese *Jews*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3ax1x/two_men_walked_into_a_chinese_restaurant_and_sat/
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Getting older..

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away.”
The second lady said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can’t remember whether I was on my way up, or on my way down.”
The third lady chimed in, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have those problems. Knock on wood.” With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, “That must be the door. I’ll get it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3aulv/getting_older/
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What’s a pirate’s favorite yoga pose?

The plank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3ahkq/whats_a_pirates_favorite_yoga_pose/
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A boy is selling fish..

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"
A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'"
The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f\*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3a611/a_boy_is_selling_fish/
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A pilot is flying a jumbo jet, he comes on the intercom and says, this is your pilot, we’re flying at 30,000 feet, traveling at over 500 miles an hour and will be at our destination in about an hour, he hangs up the mic but doesn’t turn it off and says to the co-pilot,...

Ya’know, I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette and then see if I can get a little pussy off that new stewardess! Well she hears this and comes running from the back of the plane to tell him that his mic is still on and trips over an old lady’s purse and falls into the isle! The old lady then says to her “Slow down! He said he has to smoke a cigarette first!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3a36g/a_pilot_is_flying_a_jumbo_jet_he_comes_on_the/
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When Roosevelt, Stalin and Churchill met together, FDR thought of a little chitchat with Stalin.

So he told him: Hey, Joseph you know back in America if someone is not happy about his condition he goes straight up to the office, slams his fist on the desk and says “I don’t like how you run things!”
Stalin smiles and says “We have the same right to complain back in Russia.”
Roosevelt is surprised. “Really? What do people do there?”
Stalin says “Well they can go to the office, slam their fist on the desk and say “I don’t like how America runs things!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e39x1v/when_roosevelt_stalin_and_churchill_met_together/
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A man is going on vacation

to a far away island and has to fly there. The man wants to bring drugs with him on the flight, but knowing he isn’t allowed he shoves them up his butt in hopes to conceal them. When he is sent through the x-ray scanner, the security agents notice something is wrong. They take him into a small room with a metal table and put on rubber gloves. As the agents are about to drop his pants he exclaims “LEAVE ME ALONE! DON’T TOUCH MY ASS CRACK!”
- Credit goes to my 10 year old sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e39wjs/a_man_is_going_on_vacation/
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A man has a defective clock and takes it to the German workshop.

The guy says, "My clock is busted. Instead of the usual 'tick tock' it goes 'tick tick tick'. Can you fix this?"
The German shop owner says, "I see. Follow me."
The owner leads the man into a dark ominous room and places the clock on a wooden chair and straps it. He then proceeds to light up a single lamp in front of them.
He then says in a sinister voice, " Ve hav vays of making you tock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e39qc1/a_man_has_a_defective_clock_and_takes_it_to_the/
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Why didn't the dough boy take his medication?

His pills were buried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e39om8/why_didnt_the_dough_boy_take_his_medication/
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Do you know who I am?

It was final exams for a senior level college class, and the exam counted as 75% of the grade.
The exam was also strictly timed.
5 minutes before the time was up, the professor gave a warning, "remember, 5 minutes left. When I say put your pencils down, you must do it, or you'll immediately be failed."
He gave the warning with 1 minute, and then counted down from 10.
"3,2,1. Put your pencils down, and bring your finished exams forward."
As the rest of the class followed instructions, bringing their exams up one by one, one student was furiously writing, in an attempt to finish the exam. The professor got very mad.
"Put that pencil down immediately!"
The student ignored him and after being yelled at a few more times, finally finished.
He walked slowly to the front of the class, where the professor said, "you fail this class! You took too long!".
To which the student replied, "do you know who I am!?!?!?"
"What? What are you talking about? I don't care who you are, you fail!"
"Do you know who I am?!?!"
"No, I do not!"
So, the student said, "ok then", walked up to the pile of finished exams, put his in the middle, and shuffled them up, and then walked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e39jq8/do_you_know_who_i_am/
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What is another way to say "Obesity runs in my family"?

"I don't have skinny genes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e39ifj/what_is_another_way_to_say_obesity_runs_in_my/
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Why did the farmer invest in horses?

He heard it was a stable industry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e39f10/why_did_the_farmer_invest_in_horses/
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A woman is lying in the road after being run over.

The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.
"Are you all right?" he asks.
"You're just a blur," she says, "so my sight is clearly affected."
Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks her.
"Oh shit!" she replies, "I must be paralyzed from the waist down as well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3994m/a_woman_is_lying_in_the_road_after_being_run_over/
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A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money which she had wished for.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands which she too had wished for.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blond looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e39887/a_brunette_redhead_and_blond_went_to_a_remote/
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What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly a dick down your throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e397dy/whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_jelly/
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Them dang cops

While speeding down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side waiting to catch speeders.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, and asked, "What’s your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I’m late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?’"
"I’m a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A... what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked in awe.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge. . ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e395qj/them_dang_cops/
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A man walks into a bar

He sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks
“Rough day?”
The guy responds “I just found out my brother is gay and is dating my best friend.”
The next day the guy goes back to the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks “what happened this time?”
The guy responds “I just found out my son is also gay”
The next day the guy goes in and orders 30 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks
“Does anyone in your family like women?”
The guy responds “apparently my wife does”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3938n/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A German tourist comes to France

...a border control asks him
"Occupation?"
German: No just visiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e392eg/a_german_tourist_comes_to_france/
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If life gives you melons

you might be dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e390n1/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
Reunion Special

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old."
"My name is Archana. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Xavier's high school.
"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1987. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then,
that
ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
gray-haired,
decrepit,
idiot,
asked,
"What subject did you teach" ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e38zrk/reunion_special/
%
People are shocked when they realise I am not good at my job...

I am an electrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e38wst/people_are_shocked_when_they_realise_i_am_not/
%
What did the boy robot do on his one night stand

Nut and bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e38ha0/what_did_the_boy_robot_do_on_his_one_night_stand/
%
You know what happens when you boil the funny bone?

You get a laughing stock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e38baw/you_know_what_happens_when_you_boil_the_funny_bone/
%
Interviewer: What drives you? Candidate: The bus mostly.

Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get              out of bed in the morning?
Candidate: Missing the bus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e38b0p/interviewer_what_drives_you_candidate_the_bus/
%
Ever play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

When your gf goes to the bathroom, you take six shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e389wi/ever_play_the_oscar_pistorius_drinking_game/
%
A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass

The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3899r/a_man_walks_into_the_doctors_office_with_a_piece/
%
Two satellites decide to marry.

The wedding wasn't much,
but the reception was amazing.
... I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e386e4/two_satellites_decide_to_marry/
%
Which letter has its own shoe brand?

A “D” does

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e37xro/which_letter_has_its_own_shoe_brand/
%
My sister started sobbing because she’s nervous about entering the job market with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e37uin/my_sister_started_sobbing_because_shes_nervous/
%
What were the last words of the fish at the AA meeting?

"Hello, I'm the fish and I'm dry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e37t30/what_were_the_last_words_of_the_fish_at_the_aa/
%
My workplace has a monthly fun day, and this month was PJ Day. But when I showed up in my PJs, I WAS FIRED!

\#justicefornakedsleepers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e37jdu/my_workplace_has_a_monthly_fun_day_and_this_month/
%
I used to be addicted to soap,

But I'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e37cj0/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
Two explorers find a canoe in an ancient temple

Inside, they find what appears to be a reflective rowing tool. Unfortunately, it was just a mere oar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e37ca8/two_explorers_find_a_canoe_in_an_ancient_temple/
%
I used to bathe in tomato ketchup

In heinz-site, it wasn't the best idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e37bfy/i_used_to_bathe_in_tomato_ketchup/
%
I always think my thumb is on the left side.

On the other hand, it might be on the right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e37931/i_always_think_my_thumb_is_on_the_left_side/
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The swordfish doesn’t have any natural predators to fear of...

except for the penfish, which is thought to be even mightier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3757i/the_swordfish_doesnt_have_any_natural_predators/
%
Not enough time

Three people were standing on the Titanic, An American, a Brit and an Priest. It was almost sinking. The captain told everyone to go into the liveboats. The Brit yelled, "Women and children first!" The American screams, "Screw the women and children!" and the Priest answered, "Huh, do we have enough time left to do that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3756y/not_enough_time/
%
Two monocles

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e37252/two_monocles/
%
Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly
Ages 32-55: Try-weekly
Over 55: Try-weakly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e36vyw/life_cycle_of_the_male_sex_drive/
%
The oldest job in the world

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world." The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world." The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e36viw/the_oldest_job_in_the_world/
%
Why does KFC has no toilet paper?

It's finger liking good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e36pcv/why_does_kfc_has_no_toilet_paper/
%
A dentist opened an office on a boat. What was the boat's name?

The *Tooth Ferry*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e36dab/a_dentist_opened_an_office_on_a_boat_what_was_the/
%
Sex with boss

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e369ri/sex_with_boss/
%
How do roads multiply?

They fork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e35vnb/how_do_roads_multiply/
%
A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e35spu/a_54yearold_woman_had_a_heart_attack_and_was/
%
The police just came to my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

I said it's not my dogs, they don't even own bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e35oq6/the_police_just_came_to_my_door_and_told_me_my/
%
[nsfw] I think I am allergic to my girlfriend...

Cause every time she touches my dick it swells up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e35frk/nsfw_i_think_i_am_allergic_to_my_girlfriend/
%
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?

A Gobblegänger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e356cm/what_do_you_call_a_turkeys_evil_twin/
%
I think I have a brain tumor...

...But it’s all in my head!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3553z/i_think_i_have_a_brain_tumor/
%
Have you heard of these new corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e34zzw/have_you_heard_of_these_new_corduroy_pillows/
%
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.

The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.
"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e34zm6/it_was_the_first_time_the_blonde_was_eating/
%
I went to the pet shop and asked for a dozen bees, but they gave me 13 bees...

They said the last one was a free bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e34yix/i_went_to_the_pet_shop_and_asked_for_a_dozen_bees/
%
Cardinal: Your holiness, do you like fried chicken?

Pope:yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e34woi/cardinal_your_holiness_do_you_like_fried_chicken/
%
Dam Buster?

Theres an old village in a valley some where with a Dam at one end.
One day theres an earthquake and a crack appears in the dam and the village starts to slowly flood.
The emergency services and army are called and the village is cleared, other than the village church where the priest has stayed.
Later on in the day a rescue boat is sent to the Church, they bang on the door and when the priest appears they say.
"The valley is going to flood, get in the boat and we'll take you out"
The Priest replies
"No worries my child, I have been praying all day and God will keep me safe"
"Fine, but we'll come back later just in case"
An hour passes and the water is upto the first floor of the church, a larger boat is sent in and they bang on the first floor window and say
"We need to take you out father, the flooding is continuing and it's not safe"
The priest replies
"I have faith in the lord, he'll save me"
"Ok, but we'll come back later just in case"
Later the priest is clinging to the steeple of the Church and a  rescue helicopter hovers over and they winch a guy down, the man shouts!
"We need to take you out now Father, grab my hand and we'll winch you to safety"
But the priests faith is strong and he replies the same.
"I've been praying all day, god won't let me drown go in peace"
Anyway, he drowns and his soul ascends to heaven, when he gets to the pearly gates he's pretty pissed and says to St Peter "I want to speak to god now, I'm not happy"
St Peter replies "Sure, but you won't like the answer you get"
The priest goes before god and asks.
"Heavenly father, why did you let me drown?"
And god replies
"I sent you two boats and a fucking helicopter, what more do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e34tr2/dam_buster/
%
I got the World’s Worst thesaurus the other day.

Not only was it terrible, but it was terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e34qsa/i_got_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_the_other_day/
%
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will become a pizza history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e34qrd/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that_died/
%
Working at a mirror factory

is something I could see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e349ac/working_at_a_mirror_factory/
%
A guy went into a restaurant...

When the waitress walked up he asked, “Can I ask you about the menu please?”
The waitress angrily replied, “The men I please are none of your business!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3413k/a_guy_went_into_a_restaurant/
%
Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they're worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e340s6/why_are_divorces_so_expensive/
%
d/dx (∫ (f (x)) dx )

Thats disintegration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e33v5w/ddx_f_x_dx/
%
Her: are you just an asshole?

Him: well I have arms and legs too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e339kn/her_are_you_just_an_asshole/
%
Tomorrow is Black Friday just be decent and civilized

By holding the cell phone horizontal when recording any fights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e336tx/tomorrow_is_black_friday_just_be_decent_and/
%
A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.
"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".
So the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back.
"So... what did you do to the mole?" Asked the commander.
"Ohoh! Commander!" The soldier laughed: "I did *the most horrible thing ever!* Try to take a guess!"
"Did you... cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?"
"Even worse!"
"Hmm... did you throw him to the rabid dogs?"
"Even worse!"
"Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!"
"I buried it alive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e32sy4/a_military_commander_calls_his_soldiers_and_says/
%
Whats the difference between this joke and a box full of shit?

The box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e32qof/whats_the_difference_between_this_joke_and_a_box/
%
If you want to figure out how to solve problems without violence,

wait until a mosquito lands on your testicle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e32ior/if_you_want_to_figure_out_how_to_solve_problems/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e32fu6/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
A well renown heart surgeon has passed away.

All of his familiy members, colleagues and former students attend at his funeral service. Near the end of the ceremony, his well decorated coffin is being lowered into a heart shaped patch of red flowers, which opens up just before the coffin is being lowered. During that process, a man amongst the congregation of mourners bursts out in laughter.
Appalled, the mourners look at him while a mourner next to him asks him why he is laughing.
"I've just pictured how my funeral would look like!"
"What's so funny about it?"
"I'm a gynaecologist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e32ert/a_well_renown_heart_surgeon_has_passed_away/
%
A dad joke courtesy of my dad

As we were getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner, someone asked "What time is it?".  My dad replied "McCormick's".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e3290p/a_dad_joke_courtesy_of_my_dad/
%
18 Holes a Day.

And Tiger Woods still finds time for golfing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e327wt/18_holes_a_day/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.
As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.
The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey."
"But it's sinful and wicked!"
"How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?"
"Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is."
"But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?"
They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?"
The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.
"Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please."
The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e31n9s/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_whiskey/
%
A very depressed man goes to the proctologist

“Ya know doc, life seems harsh and cruel. I feel all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. I don’t know what to do.”
The doctor says, “Son, I don’t really know what to tell you, but I have a suggestion for some simple treatment... The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should help you to laugh and let go for a bit.”
The man bursts into tears. After eventually gathering himself, he says, 'Butt doctor…I am Pagliacci.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e31hdr/a_very_depressed_man_goes_to_the_proctologist/
%
My friends forced me into their orgy last night.

I succumbed to peer pleasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e31et3/my_friends_forced_me_into_their_orgy_last_night/
%
Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e30zy6/did_anybody_hear_the_one_about_the_lad_who_tied/
%
Husband says to his wife "what would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied "I'd take the half and leave you."
"great" he said,
"I won 12$, here's 6$, stay in touch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e30s4v/husband_says_to_his_wife_what_would_you_do_if_i/
%
When a young boy saw a magic walking snake

The only snake will only say: "I'll give you three wishes. But, take whatever you ask, I'll give you the worst enemy is twice as many".
The boy thinks a minute, it is said: "I think, after the $3 million". Then snake will only say, "only you wish for granted, but who fuck got $6 million: your  worst enemy."
The clever boy shits pants. Run after the face, he thought he and other desires. "From half the money, I really wish I could be removed". This snake granted his wishes.
Now, smart boy know what to do. The clever boy said, and said: "I think, by seven times my money! You can do it, that fucking snake you?" This snake said: Yes, you want for granted.
The boy leaves a smile, the snake left.
The End.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e30ngb/when_a_young_boy_saw_a_magic_walking_snake/
%
Met a woman from Tanzania recently. We talked in her native language for hours

Guess you can say we really clicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e30ls4/met_a_woman_from_tanzania_recently_we_talked_in/
%
what’s the worst part of a family thanksgiving in Alabama?

the sexual tension

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e30b4v/whats_the_worst_part_of_a_family_thanksgiving_in/
%
A Cop is driving down the highway; all of a sudden, the car further ahead SWERVES wildy left.

He watches in awe as the car corrects its direction, then swerves right across every lane.
The officer immediately hits his lights, and approaches the vehicle closer. After several more wild moves, the car pulls into the ditch.
The Cop sprints to the car, banging on the window until it’s rolled down to reveal a pretty blonde girl.
He does not relent. “What do you think you’re doing?! You insane?!”
“Oh my god officer, there were just so many,” she cried. “A giant tree out of nowhere so I cut left, but then *another* so I cut right. And then ANOTHER. It was awful!”
“Miss.. That’s your air freshener.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e307k8/a_cop_is_driving_down_the_highway_all_of_a_sudden/
%
[NSFW]What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e306b2/nsfwwhats_green_and_eats_nuts/
%
I say it every year but I'm quitting Thanksgiving

...cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e303pq/i_say_it_every_year_but_im_quitting_thanksgiving/
%
I don't trust atoms.

They make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2zw3f/i_dont_trust_atoms/
%
This Thanksgiving I have no soda, and that makes me sad.

You could say I’m soda pressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2zt81/this_thanksgiving_i_have_no_soda_and_that_makes/
%
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.  The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William.  Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.  Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley.  Grandad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset.  We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.  She says :
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.  I don't know how you did it.  That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.  William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."
"Thanks," says the grandpa.  "But I am William.  The little bastard's name is Kevin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2zrrz/a_woman_in_a_supermarket_is_following_a/
%
Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2zahp/her_what_do_you_do/
%
I was late to my cannibal family's Thanksgiving dinner

I got the cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2z1gt/i_was_late_to_my_cannibal_familys_thanksgiving/
%
Four rabbis are arguing:

Four rabbis are arguing.
Three rabbis hold one opinion and the fourth one holds an opposite opinion.
The rabbi who oppose the three says: "God will prove I am right!"
There is a lightning and thunder outside.
"That's just a random accident," say those three.
Outside, it starts heavily raining. The ground is shaking.
"Again, this proves nothing," say those three.
The sky goes apart and there is a loud voice from above: "He is right!"
"So what," say those three, "now it's three against two..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2z0zk/four_rabbis_are_arguing/
%
I started my girlfriend up like a chainsaw last night.

But, now she's mad at me because, evidently, you're supposed to remove anal beads SLOWLY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2yvjs/i_started_my_girlfriend_up_like_a_chainsaw_last/
%
A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but pants.

The host asks: "What are you supposed to be?"
The man replies: "I am a premature ejaculation!"
To which the host replies: "Interesting... But why are you not wearing a shirt or shoes or a hat or anything else?"
The man says: "Well I just came in my pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2yunr/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party_wearing_nothing_but/
%
Two men walking down the road see a blind dog shagging a cabbage...

One of the men says "poor bugger must of thought it was a Collie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2yul3/two_men_walking_down_the_road_see_a_blind_dog/
%
What do you get if you mix an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Elephino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2yts9/what_do_you_get_if_you_mix_an_elephant_and_a/
%
Sudden realization moment

While speaking with my dad, he said to me "Gandhi fasted so long that his frame was rather frail, and when he ate the strangest fruit his breath was often stale, and he walked barefoot so hardened bottoms were his diagnosis."
Oh my God, I can't believe it...
He was a Super Callous Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2ytpu/sudden_realization_moment/
%
[Long] Two brothers, a vegan and a carnivore, sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together with their family...

The father intones, "on this day of thanks, let us give thanks to God..."
The vegan brother interrupts..."I'm not eating the turkey..."
The carnivore brother replies, " that's fine, there's plenty of other food on the table."
The vegan then says " I'm not eating any of the stuffing, because it was cooked inside the turkey."
The carnivore says, "It's all good, there's a ton of food here."
The vegan answers, " the mashed potatoes, they are made with butter and cream?
The carnivore stammers, " well, this is true, but..."
" and the green bean casserole, it uses cream of mushroom soup, which contains dairy...."
"Uh...."
" and the biscuits are 'buttermilk' biscuits?
"Well..."
"...and that lovely casserole there, that is au gratin?"
"I guess so..."
"And what's for dessert?"
"Cheesecake"
"I see..."
"Sorry, man..."
"You know what? Fuck this shit... I'm gonna go to Chipotle or Souplantaion or something." And the vegan brother gets up and leaves.
There is a moment of silence at the table, and then the father speaks up again...
"Thank. Fucking. God..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2ypoo/long_two_brothers_a_vegan_and_a_carnivore_sit/
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Wives are like Thanksgiving Turkeys.

They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2yozg/wives_are_like_thanksgiving_turkeys/
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[NSFW] During a biology class, the teacher says

During a biology class, the teacher says, " Your semen has some glucose in it."
At which, a kid goes, " So, it must taste sweet. But, it doesn't."
Teacher: "That's because the sweet taste buds are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2ym7y/nsfw_during_a_biology_class_the_teacher_says/
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I love bacon sandwiches cut into little triangles...

Strip clubs are awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2ygja/i_love_bacon_sandwiches_cut_into_little_triangles/
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What's the difference between a man working in an imitation cheese factory and Freddie Mercury?

The first man wants to fake brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2y5z8/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_working_in_an/
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I completed a puzzle that said 10+ years.

I guess I 'm insanely skilled, because I did it in 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2xt3i/i_completed_a_puzzle_that_said_10_years/
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What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen.
Did you hear about her porno?
Come on Eileen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2xqs1/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_one_leg/
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A boy was living next to a very rich business man

While exploring his backyard, he finds a very old, silver lamp. He rubs the lamp and a Genie pops out.
Genie: You are my master, you have 3 wishes that I must grant, no more, no less.
The boy thinks for a while, then he asks the Genie to make him the son of their rich neighbor,
Genie: Done, you now have 3 wishes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2xn41/a_boy_was_living_next_to_a_very_rich_business_man/
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A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2xi3t/a_guy_sits_at_a_bar_in_a_skyscraper_restaurant/
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee.

I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits."
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2xh6d/a_mormon_told_me_that_they_dont_drink_coffee/
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I met a girl with twelve nipples

Sounds weird, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2xdrj/i_met_a_girl_with_twelve_nipples/
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My grandad commited suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano.

He didn't leave a note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2xdpk/my_grandad_commited_suicide_by_eating_the_entire/
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Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it still actually fit!

So Proud of myself.
It was a scraf, but still. Let’s be positive here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2xclq/yesterday_i_wore_something_from_5_years_ago_and/
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What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2x2rp/what_asian_stereo_type_do_you_hear_the_most/
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Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2wzxs/call_a_girl_beautiful_1000_times_and_she_wont/
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I am never trusting in British girl again

She told me she's 400 pounds
and when we met she was a skinny ass model.
Wtf is wrong with people these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2wzl8/i_am_never_trusting_in_british_girl_again/
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Today I will eat TURKEY

...and all 80.81 million people in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2wzcc/today_i_will_eat_turkey/
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Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2wyfh/why_condoms_come_in_packs_of_3_6_and_12/
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Donald Trump goes to the doctor...

Doctor, doctor every time I look in the mirror I get aroused..
Doctor replies: I'm not surprised.. You're a cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2wh7z/donald_trump_goes_to_the_doctor/
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I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.

He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2wfa9/i_just_held_a_huge_thor_party_for_my_sons_5th/
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.  The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.  He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2wcto/a_cowboy_rode_into_town_and_stopped_at_a_saloon/
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A large study shows that educational achievement and earned income strongly correlated with height.

A study carried out among hundreds of elementary school classes showed the tallest person in the room almost always had the highest income and education level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2w7uu/a_large_study_shows_that_educational_achievement/
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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high and low and eventually find a man dangling from the balcony!!
I am so furious that I jump on his hands and cause him to fall 3 stories... but he lands in some bushes and survives... but I’m still furious so I grab the nearest heavy thing, our fridge, & I shove it off the balcony and it hits him! ...but then I suddenly feel so guilty about taking another life that I grab my gun and shoot myself in the head!”
St Peter agrees that this is quite traumatic, & then the second man steps forward.
“Well, i was doing my daily exercises on my balcony, when suddenly the railing gave way and I fell! Luckily I managed to grab onto the balcony below... I thought I was saved but then some maniac starts jumping on my fingers! I fall into some bushes and miraculously I’ve cheated death again... but then out of nowhere a fridge falls from the sky and splat!”
St Peter again agrees that this is very traumatic and turns to the third man...
“Ok, picture the scene... you’re naked and hiding in a refrigerator...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2w70j/three_men_arrive_at_the_gates_of_heaven_but_st/
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They say some people found out what happens when you die

But no one has lived to tell the tale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2w69b/they_say_some_people_found_out_what_happens_when/
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Robert Downey Jr. got so rich from the MCU that he doesn't need to do much anymore.

So now he is just gonna Dolittle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2w51v/robert_downey_jr_got_so_rich_from_the_mcu_that_he/
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One day Bigfoot woke up with genitals on his face.

Sascrotch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2w4ah/one_day_bigfoot_woke_up_with_genitals_on_his_face/
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What is Yodas favourite dinosaur?

A Do-ceratops...
Because there is no try.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2w49w/what_is_yodas_favourite_dinosaur/
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Here the other day a feminist told me about "The Dwayne Johnson Rule"

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2w2t8/here_the_other_day_a_feminist_told_me_about_the/
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Joe was walking around town when he found a magic lamp.

As usual, on rubbing it, a genie appeared.
Genie: "I'll grant you two wishes but no loopholes."
Joe: "Make me rich."
Genie: "Done! Your next wish?"
Rich: "Ok, give me 10 billion dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2w19l/joe_was_walking_around_town_when_he_found_a_magic/
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Adam and Eve’s Nationality

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2w0pf/adam_and_eves_nationality/
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Why are there so many jokes about Chuck Norris and none about Clint Eastwood?

Because Clint Eastwood is no joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2w011/why_are_there_so_many_jokes_about_chuck_norris/
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"How high are you?"

"How what am I?"
"High"
"Hello"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2vz9n/how_high_are_you/
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There are only 3 things I hate:

1. Irony
2. Unfinished lists
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2vgj4/there_are_only_3_things_i_hate/
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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly...

... because communication is key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2vfna/if_you_ever_get_locked_out_of_your_house_talk_to/
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Childhood, blink and you'll miss it.

Felt just like yesterday that I was running after other kids in the playground.... before you know it, I'm being arrested and charged as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2vdq3/childhood_blink_and_youll_miss_it/
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My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2v18c/my_wife_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and_told_me_i/
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A politician visits a village on the campaign trail and asks the villagers what their needs are

“We have two basic needs, Sir” replies the village leader.  “Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor”
On hearing this the politician brings out his phone, and after speaking for a while he tells them not to worry, a doctor will be present tomorrow and asks what the second problem is.
“...Secondly, sir, there is no cellphone reception anywhere in the village”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2v0u8/a_politician_visits_a_village_on_the_campaign/
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What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

Quatro Cinco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2uzpt/what_do_you_call_four_bull_fighters_in_quicksand/
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Shoutout to my Grandpa

Cause that's the only way he can hear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2uuvw/shoutout_to_my_grandpa/
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Twelve o'clock is the best time

Hands up if you agree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2uijm/twelve_oclock_is_the_best_time/
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I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night...

Everybody came..
You should have seen her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2ubmg/i_threw_my_wife_a_bukakke_party_the_other_night/
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I don't get why I was chastised when I laughed at a man when he was choking.

I mean, wasn't it a gag?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2u9cl/i_dont_get_why_i_was_chastised_when_i_laughed_at/
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Who's this "sex" guy

And why did my father offend him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2tvvp/whos_this_sex_guy/
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What did the mummy say when he was discovered?

“I’ve been seeing an archeologist lately, I think she really digs me!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2tt0q/what_did_the_mummy_say_when_he_was_discovered/
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We should send sex offenders raid Area 51

Alien vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2tizr/we_should_send_sex_offenders_raid_area_51/
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Ed Zachary Disease

A woman couldn’t get a date and went to a doctor. He couldn’t find anything wrong with her, so he sent her to another. She ended up going to several before one of them sent her to a Chinese doctor who was known to be able to diagnose anything.
When she went in, she explained that she was single, didn’t think she was too bad looking, but couldn’t get anybody interested in her. He wrote it all down.
He had a strong accent, but she understood when he said, “Take off aww you crothes.” She did so.
Then he said, “Now, craw acrows da froor on you hand and knee.” She did so.
He said, “Now craw back to me.” She complied.
Then he told her, “You haf Ed Zachary disease.”
She said, “Ed Zachary disease?”
“Yep. Worse case I ever see.”
“Well, what’s Ed Zachary disease?”
He said, “Dat when you face rook Ed Zachary rike you ass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2tfrr/ed_zachary_disease/
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A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name?

King Philip III

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2tc94/a_king_has_3_cups_in_front_of_him_the_first_2/
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2t49x/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
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Compared with smokers, people who vape seem to be ...

held in more esteam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2t25u/compared_with_smokers_people_who_vape_seem_to_be/
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What do you get when you marry an American?

Student Loan Debt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2t252/what_do_you_get_when_you_marry_an_american/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2sqn8/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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What do you call a stolen pig

Pulled pork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2sp4w/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_pig/
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Don't have sex with blondes.

That would be fucking stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2so8k/dont_have_sex_with_blondes/
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This year was the 18th anniversary of 9/11.

Now 9/11 is finally old enough to die for its country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2sl4k/this_year_was_the_18th_anniversary_of_911/
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Told my friends I had a hot date today

They said the person was imaginary but jokes on them because they are too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2siog/told_my_friends_i_had_a_hot_date_today/
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My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.

And she'll kill me if she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2sgq7/my_girlfriend_is_a_star_on_pornhub/
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What did zero say to eight?

“Nice belt”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2sg6f/what_did_zero_say_to_eight/
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What do you call a lizard who can’t mate?

E-reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2sbxd/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_who_cant_mate/
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Communism jokes aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2salp/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
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when mary was pregnant with jesus, her water didn't break...

her wine did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2s7c0/when_mary_was_pregnant_with_jesus_her_water_didnt/
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"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college..." "Well then, I'm sorry. But you are unqualified to work here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2s63z/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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Why is India a prominent member of the Non-aligned Movement?

Because they don't like to have beef with anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2s2e3/why_is_india_a_prominent_member_of_the_nonaligned/
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I got my first ever 'A' in math

Apparently that's not good though as my answer should have been 27.3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2s1yf/i_got_my_first_ever_a_in_math/
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Why are paperweights so good at time management?

They are always on top of things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2rua1/why_are_paperweights_so_good_at_time_management/
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My father was a conjoined twin so I called his brother ...

My uncle on my father's side.
But then they were surgically separated, so now he's my uncle once removed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2rp6h/my_father_was_a_conjoined_twin_so_i_called_his/
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Believe it or not, there are comedians who are simply not funny.

No joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2ri7i/believe_it_or_not_there_are_comedians_who_are/
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A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.

Bartender says "I'm sorry sir, you already seem very drunk, I cannot serve you."
Guy gets up and leaves.
A few minutes later, he comes in again, sits down at the bar and tries ordering another drink.
"I'm sorry sir, but I cannot serve you because you already seem drunk. Please leave,"
Guy gets up, grunts and wanders off again through the same exit.
Another few minutes goes by and the same guy comes back in, sits down and tries to order yet another drink.
"SIR, I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU NOW TWICE THAT YOU'RE TOO DRUNK AND I CANNOT SERVE YOU."
Dude looks at the bartender all surprised and slurs:
"How many bars do you work at?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2rhtw/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_down_and_orders_a/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2rh6y/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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Dry clean only?

I am the guy who needs his wife to help with the laundry.
I look at the tag on clothes, and I don't know what that stuff means.
Dry Clean Only   ?????
Well yeah, I ain't gonna dry it dirty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2rgyz/dry_clean_only/
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A young lady, upon meeting a Scotsman on the street one day asked...

"sir, is it true what they say about what's under a Scotsman's kilt?"
"Lassie, just reach right up and see for yourself!" He replied.
The young woman reached up the Scotsman's kilt and felt nothing but what God has given the Scotsman, as a grin crossed his lips.
"SIR, that's gruesome!" She shrieked.
The Scotsman roared, "Reach your hand up there again and you'll find it's grew some more!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2rgqy/a_young_lady_upon_meeting_a_scotsman_on_the/
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Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One says to the other "Man, I bet I blew 50 bucks in there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2rdur/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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What do German Miners call their penis?

Mein Schaft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2rdba/what_do_german_miners_call_their_penis/
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How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2r9io/how_do_you_get_trump_to_change_a_light_bulb/
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How many millenials does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. They hold the lightbulb as the world revolves around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2r822/how_many_millenials_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What is China's favorite holiday?

Tanksgiving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2r2wk/what_is_chinas_favorite_holiday/
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[NSFW] I don't usually make jokes about gay people...

But fuck man, come on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2r0kf/nsfw_i_dont_usually_make_jokes_about_gay_people/
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A kid walks into a car shop to get his get his first oil change.

"Oh, you're in for an oil change, okay. Also, while you're in do you know the last time the car had a tire rotation?" the worker says.
The kid looks at the worker confused,"Sir, I dont want to tell you how to do your job or anything, but the tires rotated on the way here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2qpf7/a_kid_walks_into_a_car_shop_to_get_his_get_his/
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What do dentists & the TSA have in common?

Cavity Searches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2qo6e/what_do_dentists_the_tsa_have_in_common/
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Who's got seven thumbs...

And just got fired from the morgue?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2qm08/whos_got_seven_thumbs/
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An old man feels a slight precipitation falling from the sky.

"It's snowing!" the old man says excitedly to his wife.
"That isn't snow", the wife replies.
"Are you sure? Because this feels a lot like snow to me", the old man says.
"You see that man over there in the crimson hat and jacket? He is Rudolph, go and ask him if it's snowing", the wife says.
So the old man walks up and asks Rudolph "Is it snowing right now?"
He gets his question answered and goes back to his wife. "It's not snowing, it's raining!" he exclaims.
"See?" the wife says. "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2qg66/an_old_man_feels_a_slight_precipitation_falling/
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Why can't dyslexics tell a joke ?

They always punch up the fuck line !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2qe1w/why_cant_dyslexics_tell_a_joke/
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Chris Brown’s Greatest hits

Rhianna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2q4tg/chris_browns_greatest_hits/
%
What material makes up 12 eggs?

Dozen matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2pxda/what_material_makes_up_12_eggs/
%
How do australians call their mother?

wow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2pog7/how_do_australians_call_their_mother/
%
Where does Trump go shopping?

Traitor Joes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2pm2l/where_does_trump_go_shopping/
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2 cowboys talking about sex.

1st cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !"
"I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?"
"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2phkb/2_cowboys_talking_about_sex/
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What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?

A drama dairy.
\[My brother answered "A male one", which might be funnier.\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2pfqc/what_kind_of_camel_throws_a_hissy_fit_when_you/
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A man escapes from prison...

where he has been for 15 years.  He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2pddt/a_man_escapes_from_prison/
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I've been drinking brake fluid for years.

I'm definitely not addicted. I can stop any time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2pd27/ive_been_drinking_brake_fluid_for_years/
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How can u tell a computer scientist is an introvert or an extrovert?

The extrovert looks at your shoes while having conversation while the introvert looks at his own shoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2pbq5/how_can_u_tell_a_computer_scientist_is_an/
%
What do you call a smart blonde?

Golden Retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2p0on/what_do_you_call_a_smart_blonde/
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What does a cannibal do after eating a vegetable?

Goes on eBay to see how much the wheelchair sells for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2p0mx/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_eating_a_vegetable/
%
What do girls and birds have in common?

They both flee when I approach them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2ot8g/what_do_girls_and_birds_have_in_common/
%
A man was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him: “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” the man replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realised he wouldn’t get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, the man went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.
The boss shrugged and said: “Well, you were the closest.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2obvg/a_man_was_fresh_out_of_accounting_school_and_went/
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Help for Men - Words & Phrases Used by Women and What They Really Mean

**“Fine”**: This is the word she uses to end an argument when she is right and you need to shut up.
**“5 minutes”**: If she’s getting dressed, this means 30 minutes. It only means 5 minutes if you have been given just 5 more minutes to stay on the computer before helping her with the housework.
**“Nothing”**: This is the calm before the storm. It means "something". So be on your guard because arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in "fine".
**“Go ahead”**: This is a dare, not a permission to do it. SO DON'T DO IT.
**“Loud sigh”**: Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are stupid and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing".
**“That's OK”**: One of the most dangerous statements that she can make to a man. It means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
**“Thanks”**: This is the least used word in her vocabulary. If she’s thanking you, don’t question it. Just say "you're welcome" and back out of the room slowly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2o9iw/help_for_men_words_phrases_used_by_women_and_what/
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Three guys are walking down a street ...

A rich man, middle class man  and a unemployed man are walking down a very windy street with their wives. A strong gust of wind causes the skirts of the wives to rise up and their husbands notice none of the women were wearing any panties.
The rich man turns to his wife and asks her why she wasn’t wearing any panties?  Wife replies: “You don’t give me money to buy any!”.  He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a $100 bill and gives it to his wife. His wife leaves to buy panties.
The middle class man asks his wife the same question. His wife gives the same reply. He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a $50 bill and gives it to his wife.  She leaves to buy panties.
The unemployed man asks his wife the same question and his wife gives the same reply as the other two wives. The husband reaches into his pocket, pulls out a comb and gives it to his wife saying, “ Well tidy yourself up a bit then”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2nzyy/three_guys_are_walking_down_a_street/
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What do you call an Ex that loves talking about their ex's ex.

Ex-ception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2ntno/what_do_you_call_an_ex_that_loves_talking_about/
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If you boil a funny bone...

It becomes a laughing stock.
You better upvote this because...
It’s Humerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2nroy/if_you_boil_a_funny_bone/
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Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it?

Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2nq47/did_you_know_that_a_giraffes_neck_is_strong/
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A couple driving home run over a badger.....

they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.
Husband says "put it between your legs and warm it up".
Wife replies "but it's all wet and it stinks".
Husband replies "well hold the badgers fucking nose then"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2nnjx/a_couple_driving_home_run_over_a_badger/
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Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2nleg/two_factory_workers_are_talking/
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Mathematics of a relationship

Wise man + Wise woman = Romance
Wise man + Dumb woman = Affair
Dumb man + Wise woman = Marriage
Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2na1m/mathematics_of_a_relationship/
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My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2n84b/my_boss_is_threatening_to_fire_the_employee_who/
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What does a nearsighted gynecologist, and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2n7du/what_does_a_nearsighted_gynecologist_and_a_puppy/
%
A doctor tells a woman she has a fatal illness and only six months to live.

“Is there anything I can do?” she asks.
“Yes, there is,” the doctor replies. “You could take Bikram Yoga every day for the next six months.”
“How will that help my illness?” the woman asks.
“Oh, it won’t help your illness,” says the doctor, “but it will make that six months seem like an eternity.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2miuw/a_doctor_tells_a_woman_she_has_a_fatal_illness/
%
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2mfcr/an_elderly_husband_and_wife_visit_their_doctor/
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I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.

He said it was Narnia business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2mcvt/i_asked_what_the_lion_in_my_wardrobe_was_doing/
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A vampire walks into a bar.

A vampire walks into a bar, he goes over to the bar and says"Bartender I would like two shots of blood." The bartender reaches behind the bar, and pours him two shots of blood.
Another vampire overhears, and decides he would like two shots of blood. The bartender once again pours him two shots of blood. Both vampires drink their shots.
A third vampire walks over to the bar, and the bartender, without being asked, begins two pour two shots of blood for him. The 3rd vampire stops him, and says"I'll just have two shots of hot water." The bartender looks confused, but pours the shots. Finally, he has to ask"I understand the shots of blood, but why do you want just hot water?"
The vampire reaches into his pocket, pulls out a tampon, and exclaims "Tea Time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2lwbj/a_vampire_walks_into_a_bar/
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Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory

Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2llvc/apparently_smoking_cannabis_can_affect_your_short/
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Why do Chinese pirates never get scurvy?

Because they all speak  Mandarin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2lf4l/why_do_chinese_pirates_never_get_scurvy/
%
I didn't realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner

My wife and kids HATED her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2l8c7/i_didnt_realize_how_racist_my_family_was_until_i/
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What's worse than ants in your pants ?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2l18a/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Why do blind people hate skydiving?

Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2kxsw/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
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Why did the chicken eat the egg?

Because it was already roasted.
This joke was generated by a bot on r/SubSimulatorGPT2. https://www.reddit.com/r/SubSimulatorGPT2/comments/e2fp40/why_did_the_chicken_eat_the_egg/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2kx95/why_did_the_chicken_eat_the_egg/
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A couple had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and some Vaseline, I think I got most of them back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2k7dx/a_couple_had_been_happily_married_for_years/
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Be careful what you wish for.

Somewhere in Africa this lion was chasing this christian. When the lion caught up with him, the lion knocked him to the ground with one swipe. The stunned christian got up on his knees and offered a prayer to god saying dear god please make this lion a christian lion so that maybe he will have mercy on me and spare my life.
Well just as the lion was about to pounce on the christian a lightning bolt appeared out of the sky which struck the lion.
Then the lion reared back on his hind legs, crossed his paws and looked up at the sky and said: Dear god please bless this food that I am about to eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2jzu7/be_careful_what_you_wish_for/
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How do you spot the trombone player's children at the playground?

They are afraid of the slide and they can't swing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2jph1/how_do_you_spot_the_trombone_players_children_at/
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I don't make passive aggressive posts on Reddit

Unlike **SOME** people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2jn7c/i_dont_make_passive_aggressive_posts_on_reddit/
%
German:*whips out penis* Girl:"Gross!"

German:"Danke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2jdp4/germanwhips_out_penis_girlgross/
%
A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2jak2/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/
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The deaf wife

A senior gentleman confesses to his doctor that he believes his wife is getting deaf but she won't admit it. He's asking for advice. The doctor says:
Well to confront her, I suggest when you get home tonight, ask gently from the door step "darling, what's for dinner tonight?", then if she does not reply step toward her and Repeat the question. Do this until she replies and then tell her that you've been asking her a few times and she didn't hear you.
The man goes home convinced it will work. Once the door is closed behind him, he asks gently: "darling, what's for dinner tonight?", no answer. He proceeds to take a couple of steps in her direction and asks again, still no answer. The man repeats the process, no answer. Eventually he gets right next to her and asks: "darling, what's for dinner tonight?". There she furiously turns toward him and shouts: FOR THE FOURTH TIME, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2j6ir/the_deaf_wife/
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My girlfriend told me that if I get 1000 upvotes then we’ll try anal

paca riding lesson during the holidays. I think it’ll be fun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2j5pd/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_if_i_get_1000_upvotes/
%
I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2j08n/i_can_never_get_anything_right_yesterday_i/
%
Women should not have children after 35..

35 children is definitely enough!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2ixau/women_should_not_have_children_after_35/
%
What's God's favorite chord? (music joke)

G sus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2io4p/whats_gods_favorite_chord_music_joke/
%
The last supper

Jesus goes for supper with his 12 disciples and asks the inn keeper, "Would like a table for 26, please."
The confused inn keeper replies "But I see only 13 of you here. Are we expecting more?"
Jesus replies "No. We are all going to sit on the same side of the table."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2ik01/the_last_supper/
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Pit Bull at the Funeral

A guy is walking down the street and sees a massive funeral procession. At the front of the line is a man with a pit bull, then 2 coffins, followed by 200 people. Curious, he asks the man what happened.
"Well," says the man, "My pitbull killed my wife last Thursday, then on Friday, he killed my mother-in-law."
The first man thinks about it for a second, and says, "Would you mind if I borrowed your dog for a couple of days?"
The man shrugs, points behind him and says "Get in line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2ijaw/pit_bull_at_the_funeral/
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What do you call a guy who jerks off with both hands?

Ambidickstrous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2i2ix/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_jerks_off_with_both/
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The UK should ban pre-shredded cheese

Make Britain grate again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2i1y1/the_uk_should_ban_preshredded_cheese/
%
A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff,

trying to get up the nerve to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman replies, "Get away from me, you sicko!"
The bum turns to leave and mutters "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2huze/a_distressed_but_attractive_woman_stands_at_the/
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What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking ?

Slow down and possibly use lube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2hqbg/what_do_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
%
There's a gang going through town, systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size.

Police say they are still at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2hmwv/theres_a_gang_going_through_town_systematically/
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My friend told me to not to post Thanksgiving jokes on Reddit

I told him I couldn't quit "cold turkey”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2hkny/my_friend_told_me_to_not_to_post_thanksgiving/
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A man shows up at the pearly gates and starts to walk through.

Saint Peter stops him, saying "Hold on a minute, we don't let just anyone in, we have to check you out first. What's your name?"  The man tells him and Saint Peter checks his book.  "Well, it looks like you lived an OK life, nothing bad, but nothing really great either.
"What?  Are you kidding?" says the man. "One time I saw these five big guys drag this girl into an alley. I knew they were going to rape her, so I marched down the alley and punched the biggest guy right in the face.  I told him, 'If you want her, you're going to have to go through me!'"
Saint Peter says "Wow!  I don't have that in my book, when did that happen?"
"Oh, about 5 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2hjwr/a_man_shows_up_at_the_pearly_gates_and_starts_to/
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Teacher vs redditor

*Teacher:* ''Construct a sentence using the word "sugar''
*Redditor:* ''I drank tea this morning.''
*Teacher:* ''Where is the word sugar.''
*Redditor:* ''It is already in the tea..!!''
*TEACHER*: Our topic for today is Photosynthesis.
*TEACHER* : Class, what is photosynthesis?
*Redditor*: Photosynthesis is our topic today.
*TEACHER* : John is climbing a tree to pick some mangoes. ( Begin the sentence with Mangoes)
*Redditor* : Mangoes, John is coming to pick you...
*TEACHER* : What do you call mosquitoes in your language?
*Redditor*: We don't call them, they come on their own...
*TEACHER* : Name the nation, people hate most
*Redditor*: Exami-nation...
*TEACHER* : How can we keep our school clean?
*Redditor*: By staying at home...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2hf96/teacher_vs_redditor/
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What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2hdon/what_happens_if_the_average_number_of_bullies_at/
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Never be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parent's job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2hc87/never_be_ashamed_of_who_you_are/
%
I don't think i need a spine,

it's holding me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2guzk/i_dont_think_i_need_a_spine/
%
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2gr5y/there_was_a_man_who_worked_for_the_post_office/
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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2gion/if_you_ever_get_locked_out_of_your_house_talk_to/
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I didn't volunteer in the Army - I was forced to join by parents

I wasn't going to make life easy for anyone. During my medical tests, the doctor asked softly,
Can you read the letters on the wall?
What letters? I answered shrewdly.
"Good", said the doctor.
"You passed the hearing test."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2gi0u/i_didnt_volunteer_in_the_army_i_was_forced_to/
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What did the cannibalistic teddy bear eat for Thanksgiving?

Stuffing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2g4q1/what_did_the_cannibalistic_teddy_bear_eat_for/
%
In case you don't know Yoda's last name

It is LAYHEEHOO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2g3k0/in_case_you_dont_know_yodas_last_name/
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Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2g3hd/me_whats_the_wifi_password/
%
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2g39j/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
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Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Me: "Why?"
Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2g1qn/bouncer_im_going_to_have_to_ask_you_to_leave/
%
99 grenades hanging on the wall, 99 grenades hanging on the wall, and if one grenade was to accidentally fall...

There would be no grenades and no bloody wall!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2g015/99_grenades_hanging_on_the_wall_99_grenades/
%
What does a bar and a woman have in common?

Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2fvap/what_does_a_bar_and_a_woman_have_in_common/
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Lippy

A man gets on a plane and is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the flight attendant for a cup of coffee and the parrot loudly squawks, "Get me a whiskey bitch."
Flustered by the parrot’s outburst, she quickly returns with a whiskey for the parrot but forgets the man’s cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee, the parrot shouts, "Get me another whiskey you slut."
Visibly shaken, she comes back with another whiskey for the parrot but still no coffee. The man decides that he is going to try the parrot’s approach, "I’ve asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I want it right now or I’m going to slap that ugly face of yours!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by the flight crew. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a lippy bastard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2foo8/lippy/
%
My father's last words to me were, "I love you, son".

Then he threw me out of the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2fk3c/my_fathers_last_words_to_me_were_i_love_you_son/
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Of all the people I know, my Hindu friends are the most chilled out.

They never have beef with anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2fjl2/of_all_the_people_i_know_my_hindu_friends_are_the/
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What do you call a person who is gay and smart?

Homogeneous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2fhrh/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_is_gay_and_smart/
%
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring last night.

I was dyeing inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2fh6r/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food_coloring_last/
%
An American woman went to a Hindu wedding in India and bought some traditional clothing to wear to it. When she got to the wedding, she saw another guest wearing the same thing she was, and was very upset.

"I can't believe I traveled halfway around the world, and someone wore the same dress as I did!", she cried.
"Saree", said the other guest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2fd6w/an_american_woman_went_to_a_hindu_wedding_in/
%
Every time I get a stack of resumes for a job at the place I work at, I throw half of then away

I can't have unlucky people working in my business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2fafb/every_time_i_get_a_stack_of_resumes_for_a_job_at/
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fancy dress party

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his p\*nis.
A Lady asks, "What are you?"
He says, "I'm a fireman."
"But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman.
He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass." Pull knob and I'll cum as fast as I can!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2fa8z/fancy_dress_party/
%
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work... The ass hole is usually in charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2fa4x/all_the_organs_of_the_body_were_having_a_meeting/
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What's the upside of running over a pizzaboy with your car?

At least you have something to nibble on while you wait for the cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2f8qz/whats_the_upside_of_running_over_a_pizzaboy_with/
%
What do you call a Communist sniper?

A Marx-man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2f78j/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
Why did the Pilgrims spend their first Thanksgiving eating outside with the Indians?

They didn't have reservations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2f6qk/why_did_the_pilgrims_spend_their_first/
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A new element was discovered!

Scientists’ initial findings on the new substance had lead them to believe it was highly explosive, however they simply could not determine what forces were to trigger this reaction.
They dropped it from the highest cliffs, and crushed it in the deepest oceans.
They tried igniting in it the sunniest of locations, and in the darkest of crevasses.
They subject it to the hottest temperatures they could muster, both natural and manmade.
And yet, the material was unwavering, refusing to yield to any force…until a scientist suggested the impossible.
“What if it only explodes when it’s really cold?”
Out they set to test the theory. Sure enough, as the temperature grew ever colder, the element began to show signs of degradation. Excitedly, they began pushing the temperatures even further into the freezing zone. As the temperatures reached nearer and nearer to 0 Kelvin (absolute cold), the element continued to increasingly react.
Finally, when the temperature reached approximately that of absolute zero, there was a blinding flash as the element exploded before their eyes, leaving a gaping hole on the laboratory bench.
As the applause from the team of scientists began to die down, relieved of finally solving the mystery, one of the senior scientists boldly asked, “so what do we name this newfound element?”.
Amongst the thought that ensued, one of the younger scientists was quick to make a suggestion...
“0 K Boomer”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2f5pm/a_new_element_was_discovered/
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I asked a person giving elephant circumcisions if they liked their job...

They said, "The pay isn't great, but the tips are big."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2f2gl/i_asked_a_person_giving_elephant_circumcisions_if/
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You'll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke...

They consider cows to be sacred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2eoie/youll_never_hear_a_hindu_tell_a_yo_mamma_joke/
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[NSFW] Count your days of blessing!

The monkey wife is tired of her husband's aggressive sex drive and so she prays to God for help. God appears and asks what can He do for her.
"Well, take his penis away for a month!", she goes. God tells her that that won't be fair to the monkey alone. "So take the dicks of all the animals for a month", she tells God. God agrees and an announcement is made that all wild animals in the forest need to deposit their dicks with God for a month. So, the males line up to the God and submit their dicks and the God gives them a receipt in return so that they can claim their instruments back when the moratorium is over.
The monkey wife is very pleased with herself over all this business, but is puzzled to see the monkey returning very happily from the deposit line.
"Well, you won't be poking me for a month now, so what are you grinning about?", she asks.
"Count those days away, bitch! I got the receipt for the elephant's dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2egjr/nsfw_count_your_days_of_blessing/
%
The oldest recorded English joke dates back to the 10th Century AD. and goes:

"What hangs at a mans thigh and
wants to poke the hole that it's
often poked before?
Answer: A key'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2e7i9/the_oldest_recorded_english_joke_dates_back_to/
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I saw a man collapse on the pavement and clutch his chest. He begged me to call him a doctor.

So I said: "You're a doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2e3zi/i_saw_a_man_collapse_on_the_pavement_and_clutch/
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Can everyone just shut up about that new movie about the ice princess?

They can't seem to let it go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2e316/can_everyone_just_shut_up_about_that_new_movie/
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I asked my husband if I was the only one he has been with.

He said yes. The others were like nine and ten.
Please send bail money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2du2y/i_asked_my_husband_if_i_was_the_only_one_he_has/
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What do you call it when a pen loses his head?

DeCAPitation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2dioo/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_pen_loses_his_head/
%
A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"
The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter.
At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it.
He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have
given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back."
The doctor shook his head and replied, "Tha...thaaa...that's im... immm... imm... po.. po.. pooo.. impossible!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2dhgh/a_man_had_a_bad_case_of_stuttering_he_went_to/
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NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man, is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action"
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
"1955, ma'am"
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now”.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2dagm/no_sex_since_1955/
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Man I’ve really had it with Ebay

I’ve had it with eBay! Every time I order chicken pellets they email me asking for their feed back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2d7x4/man_ive_really_had_it_with_ebay/
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What did the Bartender say to Neutron when it asked for the bill?

For you NO CHARGE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2d3mf/what_did_the_bartender_say_to_neutron_when_it/
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Obscure blood tests

The man called the doctor to ask if the test results for his wife had returned.
- Yes, they have, but the test answers are a little unclear, the doctor said. Either she has AIDS or she has Alzheimer's.
- Okay, how can we clarify this further?
- Run her a few miles out into the woods. If she comes home don't fuck her ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2d0wh/obscure_blood_tests/
%
Saw a guy in an AA van crying his eyes out today

I thought, he’s having a breakdown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2cxz7/saw_a_guy_in_an_aa_van_crying_his_eyes_out_today/
%
Teacher: Whats the absolute zero?

Me: 0 K, Boomer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2cvnd/teacher_whats_the_absolute_zero/
%
I don't think the earth is flat.

If it was, cats would knock everything off the edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2ctz0/i_dont_think_the_earth_is_flat/
%
Last Christmas I made Santa cry...

How you may ask? Just pinch his sack!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2cl6l/last_christmas_i_made_santa_cry/
%
I had a terrible dream last night that I was a car’s muffler.

I woke up exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2cih6/i_had_a_terrible_dream_last_night_that_i_was_a/
%
Why India is considered a peaceful country?

Because most of them don’t like beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2cid5/why_india_is_considered_a_peaceful_country/
%
Someday I'll open up a Vietnamese-Italian fusion restaurant

I'll call it  Pho-geddaboudit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2ci6x/someday_ill_open_up_a_vietnameseitalian_fusion/
%
3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2c6wj/3_days_remaining_not_nut_november_has_been_so/
%
How do you know if a communist broke into your house.

*our

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2c51v/how_do_you_know_if_a_communist_broke_into_your/
%
How do we call an old ISIS terrorist?

A boomer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2c480/how_do_we_call_an_old_isis_terrorist/
%
An Amish farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand.

The farmer says,
"Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die
kuhe unddie schweine haben in ihm
geschissen," which means, 'Don't
drink the water, the cows and the
pigs shit in it'
The guy shouts back, "I'm a Trump
supporter, and this is America. I
don't understand your gibberish
Speak English, you moron."
The
farmer says, "Use two hands, you'll
get more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2bzlc/an_amish_farmer_is_walking_through_his_field_when/
%
A traveling salesman knocks on a door and a little boy answers.

The boy is wearing a women’s nightgown, drinking brandy from a snifter, and smoking a joint.
Stunned, the salesman says, ‘excuse me, are your parents home?’
The little boy replies,
‘What the fuck do you think?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2byf4/a_traveling_salesman_knocks_on_a_door_and_a/
%
Did you hear about the prostitute who got a job at the census bureau?

She's the thot that counts.
And what do they say when she comes in to work in the morning?
"Tally, ho!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2brtd/did_you_hear_about_the_prostitute_who_got_a_job/
%
How do blind people learn to read braille?

They get a good feel for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2bhfg/how_do_blind_people_learn_to_read_braille/
%
You cant spell ADVERTISEMENTS without...

SEMEN between the TITS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2bg1r/you_cant_spell_advertisements_without/
%
Why do trees in Wisconsin lean south East?

Because the Bears suck and the Vikings blow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2b5qd/why_do_trees_in_wisconsin_lean_south_east/
%
Back in middle school a kid in my class stole my mood ring.

I still don't know how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2b3jf/back_in_middle_school_a_kid_in_my_class_stole_my/
%
Why does 10 have PTSD?

Because its in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2ay6v/why_does_10_have_ptsd/
%
If gay means happy

Then im pretty fucking straight .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2axh7/if_gay_means_happy/
%
I got early to the office and switched the letters N and M in some keyboards, some will say I'm a monster...

But others will say I'm a nomster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2awip/i_got_early_to_the_office_and_switched_the/
%
A good joke is like an unvaccinated child

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2aolf/a_good_joke_is_like_an_unvaccinated_child/
%
Lil boy and lil girl are playing in a sandbox. Lil boy pulls down his pants and says, 'I have one of these and you don't.'.

Lil girl runs off to mom who sets her straight.  Next day, lil boy and lil girl are in the sand box again.  Again lil boy pulls down his pants saying, ' I have one of these and you don't.'.  lil girl pulls up her skirt and replys, 'I have one of these and can get as many of those as I want.'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2aoh9/lil_boy_and_lil_girl_are_playing_in_a_sandbox_lil/
%
Two monkeys sat in a bath...

The first monkey goes “ooh ooh ooh ahh ahh ahh”
Second monkey says “oh I’ll add some cold then”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2acmb/two_monkeys_sat_in_a_bath/
%
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2abm2/i_just_saw_my_wife_walk_by_with_her_sexiest/
%
Why can't two male doctors marry each other?

Because it would be a paradocs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2a7ha/why_cant_two_male_doctors_marry_each_other/
%
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2a49s/my_deaf_girlfriend_was_talking_in_her_sleep_last/
%
how do you know that a is a joke a "dad joke"?

When it is a-**parent**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2a1q9/how_do_you_know_that_a_is_a_joke_a_dad_joke/
%
years ago the devils lettuce was a term for marijuana

now it's romaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2a139/years_ago_the_devils_lettuce_was_a_term_for/
%
Yo mama such a ho she got fired from the sperm bank...

...for drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2a0lp/yo_mama_such_a_ho_she_got_fired_from_the_sperm/
%
Why is apple juice the preferred drink for women?

Because OJ will kill you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e29y00/why_is_apple_juice_the_preferred_drink_for_women/
%
My son asked me if I know any Spanish words.

I said no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e29vr7/my_son_asked_me_if_i_know_any_spanish_words/
%
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e29qzy/a_man_takes_his_seat_at_the_superbowl_he_looks/
%
They needed donations for the local pool

Showed up with 2 buckets of water. They weren't pleased.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e29p7n/they_needed_donations_for_the_local_pool/
%
I got arrested at 12:00

The police officer said hands up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e29or6/i_got_arrested_at_1200/
%
A dog and a rabbit are in a bar having a few drinks when a drunk decides that he doesn't like their kind patronizing his establishment.

He goes over  and voices his displeasure with them being in HIS bar.
Now now take it easy slim, says the rabbit ,if you can solve this riddle we will buy you all the drinks you can have for the night. Well he thinks about it for a minute and thinks, why not. Ok then but if you get it wrong my dog will bite you in the ass, agreed? The drunk wanting free drinks agrees to the terms. here is the riddle...What do you have again the day after you have it to make you feel better for having it?
Well fuck I have no idea say's the drunk and promptly gets bit on the ass by the dog.
Next day the drunk is back in the bar and mad as hell.
He yells at the bartender...Where the hell is that hare of the dog that bit me?
A voice from the back of the bar that sounds like the rabbit says...buy that man a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e29l0a/a_dog_and_a_rabbit_are_in_a_bar_having_a_few/
%
A man is mortally wounded on a plane

The flight attendant asks "Is there a doctor on this plane?"
A woman nods and follows the flight attendant. She quickly announces the man is dead.
My dad whispers to me "That should have been you"
I tell my dad that I am a doctor of philosophy, not medicine
My dad responds "No, the dead person."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e29fjp/a_man_is_mortally_wounded_on_a_plane/
%
Are you looking for a STUD?

Because I got the STD, I just need U!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e29dua/are_you_looking_for_a_stud/
%
What’s a selfish person’s favourite musical note?

Mi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e297ob/whats_a_selfish_persons_favourite_musical_note/
%
Zeus walks into a bar, crying.

The bartender asks, "Child support again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e297du/zeus_walks_into_a_bar_crying/
%
Mythology Joke.

Medusa is so hot every time i see her i get rock hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e294or/mythology_joke/
%
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The therapist is just a facilitator. The important thing is that the lightbulb wants to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e290uo/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.

I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e28xb9/my_crosseyed_wife_and_i_just_got_a_divorce/
%
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are two dollars, but deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e28wae/whats_the_difference_between_deer_nuts_and_beer/
%
(NSFW) What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

You can't peanut butter a dick into your girlfriend's asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e283fr/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_peanut_butter/
%
My 6yo told me a dad joke: What kind of key has no lock?

A turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e283ch/my_6yo_told_me_a_dad_joke_what_kind_of_key_has_no/
%
My 4yo told me a dad joke: What happens when you knock over a fruit stand?

An apple-anche.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2821m/my_4yo_told_me_a_dad_joke_what_happens_when_you/
%
As I was paying for a 20 year old Escort, I could only think of one thing.

This is a shitty car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e27zs6/as_i_was_paying_for_a_20_year_old_escort_i_could/
%
A cheese factory exploded in France.

Da brie is everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e27uzx/a_cheese_factory_exploded_in_france/
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Why is everyone looking up and cheering?

They’re ceiling fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e27tst/why_is_everyone_looking_up_and_cheering/
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A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow

He now has a rare medium well done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e27qj0/a_farmer_accidentally_overcooked_his_one_of_a/
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How do you know you're reading one of Donald Trumps books?

It starts on Chapter 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e27jyt/how_do_you_know_youre_reading_one_of_donald/
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Why did the scarecrow get an award

Because he was outstanding in his field!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e278yq/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_an_award/
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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked...

...if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.  "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e278ga/the_elderly_italian_man_went_to_his_parish_priest/
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Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4, they’d be chicken sedans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e273oq/why_do_chicken_coops_only_have_2_doors/
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My hiking playlist

Yeah, it’s called Trail mix and has a lot of eminem on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e270ao/my_hiking_playlist/
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Sperm count

A 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?!!!!
" The old man replied,
"Yep, none of us could open the jar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e26ztf/sperm_count/
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Went to an antivaxxers wedding last week. Beautiful ceremony and chilled people

The "till death us do part" vow seemed unnecessary to me though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e26xfc/went_to_an_antivaxxers_wedding_last_week/
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Yeet for those dad jokes

Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"
Mom: \*staring at dad
Dad: ...\*clenches fists
Mom: ...don't!
Dad: \*sweats profusely
Mom:
Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e26tm7/yeet_for_those_dad_jokes/
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I know exactly what’s gonna happen next year

I have 20 20 vision!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e26t0q/i_know_exactly_whats_gonna_happen_next_year/
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Why is it that a watch is located on your wrist and not your belt?

Because if it was on your belt, it would be a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e26muv/why_is_it_that_a_watch_is_located_on_your_wrist/
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(Long) A phone in the Gym

I was standing next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings. He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway whatt a smug bastard...
MAN: "Hello"...
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym"...?
MAN: "Yes"...
WOMAN: "I am at the trinity centre now and found this beautiful leather coat...
It' s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much"...
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked"...
MAN: "How much"...?
WOMAN: "£90,000"..
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options"...
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"...
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand...
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much"...
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too"...
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing  room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape...
He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to"...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e26m17/long_a_phone_in_the_gym/
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A man goes to the doctor.

The nurses do the initial exam, and then the doctor comes in.
Doctor: Okay, where is it hurting?
Man: I’m not telling. First reduce your price.
Doctor: Why would I reduce the price? It’s your injury!
Man: Then you figure it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e26emk/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Why did 4 not ask 2 to prom?

He was two squared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e26dpa/why_did_4_not_ask_2_to_prom/
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What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e26b2e/what_did_the_hipster_say_the_day_after/
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My dad told me that he was going to get a sex change and that I would have two moms

I appreciate him being so transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2659v/my_dad_told_me_that_he_was_going_to_get_a_sex/
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A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant

I was a bit confused
I never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e26515/a_girl_came_up_to_me_and_said_she_recognized_me/
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What do you call an economy car from the Stone age?

Priustoric

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e264wj/what_do_you_call_an_economy_car_from_the_stone_age/
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A duck was standing by a busy roadside, waiting for a break in traffic as cars went roaring by.

A chicken walks up and says, "Don't do it, bud. You'll never hear the end of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e25yyp/a_duck_was_standing_by_a_busy_roadside_waiting/
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Why does a Frenchman have only one egg for breakfast?

Because that's *un oeuf*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e25twg/why_does_a_frenchman_have_only_one_egg_for/
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A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're on here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think, therefore I am'. But to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e25lqw/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_pint_the/
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A snake walks into a bar...

The bartender says "How'd you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e25ew9/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you use to contact Mario's dead brother?

A Luigi board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e25dmy/what_do_you_use_to_contact_marios_dead_brother/
%
How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.
They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e24c9b/how_many_boomers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A man from the mountainous country of Georgia is on trial for murder

Judge: Defendant, what was your motive for killing the victim?
Georgian man: So, I leave home for store, right? But as I walk down the street, I go, 'Vaivaivai, [slams forehead] Gogi, you forgot your wallet!'
So I go back, but right before I come in, I look through the window, and what do I see? Vaivaivai, my neighbor is sitting next to my wife! So I pull out my knife [makes knife-pulling motion]! But then I think, 'No-no-no, Gogi, you were also sitting next to his wife!'
...But then I look again, and - Vaivaivai, my neighbor is [makes hugging motion] hugging my wife! So I pull out my knif...
Judge: Defendant, can you get to the point?
Georgian man: Details, important! So I pull out my knife [knife-pulling motion]! But then I go, 'No-no-no, Gogi, you were also hugging his wife!
... But then I look again! And what do I see??? My neighbor is KISSING my wife! So I pull...
Judge [visibly irate]: Defendant...
Georgian man: [waves him off] ...pull out my knife! But then I go, 'No-no-no, Gogi, you were also kissing his wife!'
...But then I look again! [O_o] And what do I see, my neighbor is...
Judge [screaming]: DEFENDANT, WHY did you KILL the VICTIM??!!!
Georgian man: I did NOT wipe my dick off on *HIS* curtain!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e24aww/a_man_from_the_mountainous_country_of_georgia_is/
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The Mexicans are upset about Trump’s wall

but they’ll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e246q0/the_mexicans_are_upset_about_trumps_wall/
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Claire’s been telling all her friends about how I’m a stalker.

She’s texting- hang on, there’s some glare on the window...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e2463q/claires_been_telling_all_her_friends_about_how_im/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $10 to have a garbanzo bean on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e241gh/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
I always found the idea of Batman to be laughable.

But just in case, I shot the kid too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e23vc5/i_always_found_the_idea_of_batman_to_be_laughable/
%
99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around...

129 bugs in the code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e23ino/99_bugs_in_the_code_99_bugs_in_the_code_you_take/
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I missed my wife

Guess it's back to the range for more practice...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e23gfd/i_missed_my_wife/
%
I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day

Luckily, my boss said I could wipe the slate clean. Credit: Gary Delaney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e23fd2/i_nearly_lost_my_job_as_a_roofer_when_i_was/
%
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Cause he drank the coffee before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e23dz8/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
I'll never forget what my grandad said before he kicked the bucket...

He said "hey, how far do you think i can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e23baa/ill_never_forget_what_my_grandad_said_before_he/
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A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”
The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e22xem/a_teacher_says_to_her_class_one_day_whoever/
%
I hate these double standards

if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e22qsk/i_hate_these_double_standards/
%
A man goes to a doctor for headaches

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e22qsh/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor_for_headaches/
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A man goes to prison

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"Ah well," the old man replied, "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e22n1u/a_man_goes_to_prison/
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What’s Luke Skywalker’s favorite car brand ?

It’s ToYoda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e227zp/whats_luke_skywalkers_favorite_car_brand/
%
I was about to be hit by a bus and a Latino saved me.

That is why Jesus is my Savior.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e21yw2/i_was_about_to_be_hit_by_a_bus_and_a_latino_saved/
%
A kid asks, "Dad, what is the difference between potential and actual?"

His dad then says, "Go and ask your mother, your sister and your brother if they would sleep with John Legend for $1 million.
So the kid goes around to his mom, his older sister and older brother and ask them if they would sleep with John Legend for $1 million. All of them says yes.
The kid goes back to his dad and reports that all of them said yes.
His dad then replies, "Well, that means that we potentially have $3 million but what we actually have are two sluts and a homosexual".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e21lir/a_kid_asks_dad_what_is_the_difference_between/
%
Went to buy a Xmas tree today, got chatting to the guy behind the counter, asked if I was going to put it up myself

I have to admit, I’ve tried a lot of things but that sounds particularly painful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e21i10/went_to_buy_a_xmas_tree_today_got_chatting_to_the/
%
A MIDGET went into a cop station to report that his pocket had been picked.

The policeman replied, “I can’t believe anyone would stoop so low.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e21dtj/a_midget_went_into_a_cop_station_to_report_that/
%
Never date a Tennis Player

because Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e216st/never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
So my girlfriend said she wanted to break up with me because I had no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e215ei/so_my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_to_break_up_with/
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Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I'm still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e20yv1/virginity_in_school/
%
A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”
Girl: No
Psychiatrist: “Yes, that’s why you need a husband.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e20mef/a_girl_goes_to_a_psychiatrist_and_complains_i/
%
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e207b3/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts_anonymous/
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Only anti-vaxxers will get this

Small pox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e206xt/only_antivaxxers_will_get_this/
%
My drug test came back negative..

My dealer has now got some explaining to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1zyyr/my_drug_test_came_back_negative/
%
How can you tell the gender of a chromosome?

By pulling down it’s genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1zvkt/how_can_you_tell_the_gender_of_a_chromosome/
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It's Thanksgiving week. What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?

Quack quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1zsis/its_thanksgiving_week_what_did_the_turkey_say_to/
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I told my wife I liked her with her hair back

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1zjsh/i_told_my_wife_i_liked_her_with_her_hair_back/
%
A woman goes to her doctor to get her third face lift.

The doctor says "I would love to help you but I can't recommend getting another one. You have had too many already."
The woman protests and wants to know why she can't get her favorite procedure done again.
"Look" says the doctor. "See that cute dimple on your chin? That's your belly button. If you get another face lift you'll have a beard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1zirw/a_woman_goes_to_her_doctor_to_get_her_third_face/
%
Why did the can squishier quit it’s job?

Because it was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ze4k/why_did_the_can_squishier_quit_its_job/
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A man walks into a hotel lobby...

...where several people are decorating for a prom. He sees a group of people gathered at a table. Approaching, he asks "Excuse me, is this the setup". "No", comes the response, "this is the punch line".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1z4r3/a_man_walks_into_a_hotel_lobby/
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6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1z0rb/630_is_the_best_time_on_a_clock/
%
What do you call a mild disappointment?

This joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1yyts/what_do_you_call_a_mild_disappointment/
%
Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp.
No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1yhz4/deer_camp/
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A guy walks up to the widow at her husband's funeral and says " May I just say one word?"

"Sure," she replies.
"Discount."
The widow says, "Thank you. That means a great deal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1yf6n/a_guy_walks_up_to_the_widow_at_her_husbands/
%
I almost lost my job at the glue factory...

It seemed like everything was falling apart. But I stuck with it, and have managed to hold it all together.
I just needed to adhere to the rules

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1yduq/i_almost_lost_my_job_at_the_glue_factory/
%
I used to know a girl from a nudist colony

Man, I tell you, nothing looked good on her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ybhv/i_used_to_know_a_girl_from_a_nudist_colony/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1y9uq/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I accidently swallowed some scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1y9ia/i_accidently_swallowed_some_scrabble_tiles/
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Every morning, I see this exhausted guy who looks like he would murder someone for a cup of coffee.

I really should move that mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1y466/every_morning_i_see_this_exhausted_guy_who_looks/
%
I got my dick stuck in a DVD hole today...

Yeah, I fucked Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1y0y2/i_got_my_dick_stuck_in_a_dvd_hole_today/
%
I had an unremarkable erection today.

It was an OK boner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1xvcg/i_had_an_unremarkable_erection_today/
%
I asked a girl out yesterday.

I went up to her and said:
"are you today's trash because I wanna take you out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1xuap/i_asked_a_girl_out_yesterday/
%
Sad news today

After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients so he can no longer work in the profession. I think it is out right dumb and stupid, what a waste of time and effort. A genuinely good guy, and a brilliant vet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1xnil/sad_news_today/
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NSFW semi dark humor

Mindy's husband Bob had just passed away. At the funeral, the funeral director was looking real awkward and pulled Mindy aside and says to her.
"Maam, I'm sorry to bring this up to you, but we have an issue with your husband. You see, he has a massive erection and coffin won't fully close"
Sure enough, she looks over at the coffin and while the top half was open for viewing, the bottom half was propped open by a few inches.
The director continues "we hoped the pressure from the lid would have helped it go down, but it's pretty solid. Our only final option is to cut it off and tuck it in beside him. Can we have your permission to do so?"
Mindy thought for a second, she appeared a little baffled, but finally replied "of course, if it needs to be cut off, then go ahead and do so. But dont just leave it beside him, shove it up his ass" now the director had a shocked look so Mindy continued "trust me, it will be fine"
So while some of the family said a few final words, the director took Bob away for the procedure and returned shortly after with one side open and the other side fully closed.
Mindy approached Bob to say her final goodbye. As she got close she noticed some tears were running down his face. She pulled out a tissue, wiped his tears away, leaned in and whispered in his ear "See, I told you it hurts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1xjab/nsfw_semi_dark_humor/
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I called two girls hipsters and got slapped

Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1xgaj/i_called_two_girls_hipsters_and_got_slapped/
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I'll never forget my Dad's final words

"Son, toss me that hatchet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1xflj/ill_never_forget_my_dads_final_words/
%
I've uploaded all my Satan-worshipping sessions to youtube

You can guess they've all been demonetized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1xcx1/ive_uploaded_all_my_satanworshipping_sessions_to/
%
I would tell a joke about boxing

But there are too many punchlines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1xbj5/i_would_tell_a_joke_about_boxing/
%
What do you call a man out of semen?

se

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1x9lg/what_do_you_call_a_man_out_of_semen/
%
Rubbing it just ain't the same

A man goes to church and tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife." The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?" The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other." The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Mary's and put $ 100 in the donation pan." The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriates "You didn't put $ 100 in the pan!" The man looks at the priest disgusted and says "I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing is the same as putting it in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1x58w/rubbing_it_just_aint_the_same/
%
Control your Woody

Trevor has a dance coming up and he wants to ask out Sally. He would do anything to go with her and he knows she doesn't have a date. The only problem is that whenever he sees her he gets an extremely large boner. Before he asks her, he practices not getting a boner but nothing works. So he decides to just call her so he doesn't risk a boner. So he calls her and stutters through the words, but she thinks it is cute so she accepts. At this point he realizes he didn't find a solution to the problem he just put it off. But then he has a great idea! He ties his penis to his leg to conceal the boner. On the day of the dance he heads over to her house and knocks on the door. She answers the door and he kicks her in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1x411/control_your_woody/
%
My dad always brags that his was the first profession to go completely digital.

He’s a proctologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1wyjx/my_dad_always_brags_that_his_was_the_first/
%
How many Hungarians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to hold the eel, the other to screw in the hovercraft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1wy15/how_many_hungarians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What is the best sauce to eat with duck?

Quackamole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1wxwd/what_is_the_best_sauce_to_eat_with_duck/
%
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1wv1s/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_a_wall/
%
A few puns make me numb

But math puns make me number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1wtxv/a_few_puns_make_me_numb/
%
How do you call a Mexican that lost his car

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1wsg7/how_do_you_call_a_mexican_that_lost_his_car/
%
A guy walks in a bar with a full-loaded six shooter

He says:"who slept with my wife"
It's silent
Than somebody in the back says
"You don't have enough bullets"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1wphq/a_guy_walks_in_a_bar_with_a_fullloaded_six_shooter/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1wmi4/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
%
I hate when people ask me where I see myself next year

I don't have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1w95v/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_where_i_see_myself_next/
%
I just found out my uncle, who has a stammer, died in prison

I'm so upset. He didn't even finish his sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1w8pf/i_just_found_out_my_uncle_who_has_a_stammer_died/
%
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn't help at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1w0og/when_i_was_younger_my_parents_sent_me_to_a_child/
%
I was a failing engineering student. Today I finished creating a robot with speech capabilities.

Between you and me, that's saying something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1vqgp/i_was_a_failing_engineering_student_today_i/
%
When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.

They were real people... I just imagined they were my friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1vq15/when_i_was_a_child_i_had_many_imaginary_friends/
%
Old man and his new Cowboy boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over.. "Nope. Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!" Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Should’a bought a hat, Bert. Should’a bought a hat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1vm9y/old_man_and_his_new_cowboy_boots/
%
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

So shespends $ 15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I’d guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I’m 50." Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I’d say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I’m 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. If you permit me to put my hands under your bra, then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, " Ma dam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won’t get mad?" "I promise I won’t," she says. "I was behind you in McDonald’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1vh11/a_woman_decides_to_have_a_facelift_for_her_50th/
%
A tourist in L.A. is walking through Chinatown

When he sees a sign saying, “Hans Olafsen’s Laundry.” Curious, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. “How did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen’s Laundry?” asks the tourist. The old man says, “It’s named after me. I’m Hans Olafsen.” “That’s an unusual name for a Chinese man,” observes the tourist. “Yes,” says the old man, “But when I came to America I was standing in the immigration line behind a man called Hans Olafsen. And when they asked me my name, I said, Sam Ting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1vay1/a_tourist_in_la_is_walking_through_chinatown/
%
Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence.

For example:
Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.
Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1v0e5/punctuation_is_important_improperly_used_periods/
%
My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "How was your third bass lesson, son?"
"Couldn't make it." He said. "Had a gig."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1utaa/my_son_recently_started_bass_guitar_lessons/
%
What is the cybertruck’s factory to be called?

The rendering plant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ut4g/what_is_the_cybertrucks_factory_to_be_called/
%
A horse walks into a bar..

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "why the long face?"
The horse, unable to comprehend human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1up7m/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between a Pizza and a Lib-arts degree?

A pizza is able to feed an entire family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1uo6u/whats_the_difference_between_a_pizza_and_a/
%
Why is Patrick Star Arabic?

Because he lives under Iraq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ubl6/why_is_patrick_star_arabic/
%
Vsauce walks into a bar

Or does he?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ubc7/vsauce_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My father in the delivery room: 1973

My younger brother was born a few hours prior to this so dad and his buddies are clamoring around the hospital drinking, celebrating and smoking cigars - in the hospital, it was 1973 after all
They manage to find their way to the nursery and look in at the babies cooing at them as each one is picked up, re-swaddled and put back. There is a fairly large group of mixed people standing alongside all peering into the windows trying to decide which one is their nephew, niece, son, daughter...
A nurse reaches into a bassinet and pulls out a beautiful black baby...without missing a beat; my father says, “oh! That must be mine, my wife burns everything!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1txfp/my_father_in_the_delivery_room_1973/
%
I got fired from my job as a music teacher today

Called a student's house and told his parents, "you know, your son John is pretty good in my class. He reminds me of a young Elvis."
"Oh really? Is he really that gifted in music?"
"No," I replied. "I just found him dead on the toilet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1txbc/i_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_music_teacher_today/
%
Whats the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Your mom can’t take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1tr29/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_three/
%
Yesterday, I smoked more weed than ever before.

It was an all time high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1tnxv/yesterday_i_smoked_more_weed_than_ever_before/
%
I put a chair in my mouth

It tasted like sit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1tk97/i_put_a_chair_in_my_mouth/
%
A Soviet era joke

While General Secretary Leonid Brezhnev is making a speech, a few men in the audience are arrested who turn out to be American spies.
"Brilliant work!" says Brezhnev to a KGB major. "But how did you know they were spies?"
"Well," said the major, "as you yourself have observed, Comrade General Secretary, the enemy never sleeps..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1t4fm/a_soviet_era_joke/
%
A magician is on a cruise ship, accompanied by his pet parrot.

Every day, the magician holds a magic show for the patrons on the cruise. The parrot sits on his shoulder throughout the act.
Eventually, after days of viewing these acts, the parrot starts to get the tricks behind them all. So as the magician would carry on with his show, the parrot would ruin the act by exclaiming, “It’s in his sleeve!” or “It’s under his hat!” or “The assistant has it!”
One day, the cruise ship ends up hitting an iceberg while the magician and his parrot are asleep. They awaken to find themselves stranded on the iceberg and the ship gone. For days, the magician and parrot sit there, just staring at each other.
Finally, the parrot sighs, “Okay, I give. Where’s the boat?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1t220/a_magician_is_on_a_cruise_ship_accompanied_by_his/
%
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1snib/elon_musk_and_bill_gates_should_team_up_to_invent/
%
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"

Spoon: "That was no ladle.  That was my knife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1smdi/fork_who_was_that_ladle_i_saw_you_with_last_night/
%
My friend is a doctor

Hope it is'nt a repost.
My friend is a gynaecologist.
So he had a patient who came for a pelvic examination.
Since he was a male doctor he didn't want it to be awkward so he tried
talking to the patient,
he looked around and saw her sandals and on it, it
was written "made in Mexico".
So he asked her if she had recently been to mexico.
The patient blushed and asked him if he could tell all that, just from a
pelvic examination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1skt1/my_friend_is_a_doctor/
%
An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman trying to get into the Olympics with no tickets

The Englishman found a large wooden pole lying on the ground near him. He picked it up, put it under his arm, walked in the gate and said 'Bentley, England, pole vaulting' and they let him in.
The Scotsman picked up a manhole cover, put it under his arm, walked in the gate and said 'McGregor, Scotland,  discus' and they let him in.
The  Irish man picked up a roll of barbed wire, put it under his arm, walked in the gate and said 'Murphy, Ireland, fencing.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1sf6y/an_englishman_scotsman_and_an_irishman_trying_to/
%
What is the favorite band of Japanese fishermen?

Bob Marley and the Whalers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1senr/what_is_the_favorite_band_of_japanese_fishermen/
%
I met a girl with 12 boobs today

Sounds weird, dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1s8eg/i_met_a_girl_with_12_boobs_today/
%
An old man is stuck in the middle of a freezing blizard.

He is freezing, but not the least bit terrified. He has hope that he will be saved.
By now, they snow is at his ankles.
His hope comes along when he sees a dog sled. The driver of the sled says, "Need some help?"
"No," the old man says. "God will save me."
"If you say so." The driver says. The sled mushes on.
When the snow gets to his waist, he sees another dog sled. "Need a lift?" The driver says.
"No," the old man says. "God will save me."
"If you insist." The driver says. The sled mushes on.
When the snow gets to his neck, he sees another dog sled. The driver barely sees him. "Need a hand?" The driver says.
"No," the old man says. "God will save me."
"If you say so." The driver says. The sled mushes on.
When the snow gets to his forehead, the man's eyes begin to get heavy. The last thing he says is "God will save me." He is claimed by the cold.
He arrives at the gates of Heavan and gets into it. The first thing he does is find God.
"God," he says. "I devoted my life to you. I went to church every week and prayed to you every night. Why didn't you save me?"
"For fuck's sake, old man!" God yells in frustration. I sent 3 dog sleds!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1s4je/an_old_man_is_stuck_in_the_middle_of_a_freezing/
%
Four conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...

The bartender says, yesterday there were three of you.  You can't tell be that's just a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1rx2i/four_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.  When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."  He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."  Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1rtqy/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
%
What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ro7d/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
My girlfriend turned to me in bed and threw this curveball at me.

She said, "Would you even consider adoption?"
I said, "Only if you got pregnant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1rfe0/my_girlfriend_turned_to_me_in_bed_and_threw_this/
%
How does Moses make tea?

He brews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1rc44/how_does_moses_make_tea/
%
What do you call a martial artist who watches his wife bang other guys?

Cuck Norris

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1r7ps/what_do_you_call_a_martial_artist_who_watches_his/
%
I finally got a girl...

But she keeps trying to break the lock on my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1r5f7/i_finally_got_a_girl/
%
There was a family and a family friend eating dinner.

There was a mom, a dad, a little girl, and the family friend, Brian. The little girl greeted the family friend, “Hi grandpa Brian!” The mom and dad looked at the little girl, obviously confused. The dad said “Brian isn’t your Grandpa, love.” The little girl looked at the father and asked “What makes Grandpa Steve my grandpa?” And the father replied “Well, Grandpa Steve is my dad, so he’s your grand dad” the little girl nodded and said “Yeah, I saw Mommy call Brian ‘Daddy’ so he’s my grandpa!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1r4lf/there_was_a_family_and_a_family_friend_eating/
%
What's the difference between 2% milk, whole milk and a pack of cigarettes?

I don't know my father didn't get home from the store yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1r3wn/whats_the_difference_between_2_milk_whole_milk/
%
You wanna know what gives me uncontrollable gas?

A brick on the accelerator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1r24q/you_wanna_know_what_gives_me_uncontrollable_gas/
%
A priest, a rabbi and a nun walk into a bar...

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1qxh7/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_nun_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.

I can’t express how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1qsyk/i_just_found_out_that_aaarghh_is_not_a_real_word/
%
How did the vacuum cleaner die?

It bit the dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1qp2j/how_did_the_vacuum_cleaner_die/
%
A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller

“I want to open a fucking checking account.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”
The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.
The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.”
“Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1qh4b/a_man_walks_into_a_bank_and_says_to_the_the_teller/
%
I hate when people say I can’t multitask.

I always have to stop what i’m doing to get angry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1q7d4/i_hate_when_people_say_i_cant_multitask/
%
We just flew into Atlanta, and the landing was HORRIBLE.

After the overhead bins quit popping open and the bouncing stopped and the dust settled, the flight attendant got on the intercom and explained.
“I just want to apologize for that terrible landing, but keep in mind that it wasn’t the pilot’s fault. And it wasn’t the airplane’s fault. It was the *asphalt*.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1q65j/we_just_flew_into_atlanta_and_the_landing_was/
%
Daughter in law is pissed at her new doctor....

After a thorough exam he told her,  "Well, it looks like  you're pregnant."
She said, "What, I'm pregnant?!"
Doc said, "No, it just *looks* like it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1pvkh/daughter_in_law_is_pissed_at_her_new_doctor/
%
A woman locked her car key in her car, so she asked a passerby for help. The passerby took off his pants, rolled it into a ball and rubbed it on the car door. The car door springs open. Amazed, the woman asked the passerby how did he do it, to which he replied:

"It's simple, these are khaki pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1puhw/a_woman_locked_her_car_key_in_her_car_so_she/
%
There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.
So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.
John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.
The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.
Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1psmp/there_were_two_christian_men_john_and_mike_whose/
%
Skinny people are alright

But fat people really take the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ppfd/skinny_people_are_alright/
%
A woman stares at a man in a restaurant

The man a little uncomfortable asked: do we know each other?
Woman: I think you're the father of one of my child.
Man: Oh, are you the stripper I banged a couple years ago behind the bar?
Woman: No, but I'm your son's 4th grade teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1plec/a_woman_stares_at_a_man_in_a_restaurant/
%
French fries weren’t made in france

They were made in greece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ph2z/french_fries_werent_made_in_france/
%
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

I lost my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1pcrh/i_tried_to_sue_the_airport_for_misplacing_my/
%
Why is Neptune made up of gas?

Because it is next to Uranus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1p75h/why_is_neptune_made_up_of_gas/
%
What's so special about leeches?

I had a joke but it bloody sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1p4rg/whats_so_special_about_leeches/
%
Random Joke

Q. what to sprinters eat before they race?
A. Nothing...they fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1p3uv/random_joke/
%
I had a guy tell me that I looked better without glasses.

I said, “I’m not wearing glasses.”
He said, “I know, but I am.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1p3ia/i_had_a_guy_tell_me_that_i_looked_better_without/
%
A man goes to a $5 prostitute

He finds out a few days later that he has crabs. Angry, he returns and confronts her.
The prostitute replies, “hey for $5 what did you expect? Lobster?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1oiq5/a_man_goes_to_a_5_prostitute/
%
I discovered an underground fight club earlier.

Bloody troglodytes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ob0o/i_discovered_an_underground_fight_club_earlier/
%
Caitlyn Jenner deserves credit for getting sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision took balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ndew/caitlyn_jenner_deserves_credit_for_getting_sexual/
%
Limbo player

A professional limbo player walks into a bar
Now he’s disqualified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1n5f0/limbo_player/
%
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

I didn’t listen to an enzyme last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1n53y/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
%
What did the E say when it lost one of its limbs?

FFFFF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1n1p3/what_did_the_e_say_when_it_lost_one_of_its_limbs/
%
I went to the doctor

the other day and he told me “You’re gonna die, the disease is incurable.”
I said “If you don’t mind doctor i want a second opinion.” He said “ Well, you’re ugly too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1n0o3/i_went_to_the_doctor/
%
What's something you don't want to feel during a prostate exam?

The doctor putting his hands on your shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1mzff/whats_something_you_dont_want_to_feel_during_a/
%
Did you know diarrhoea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1mn10/did_you_know_diarrhoea_is_hereditary/
%
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

Because when he asked them who their favorite composer was, they all said, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1mht0/why_did_mozart_kill_all_his_chickens/
%
I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram

I was like 0mg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1mglk/i_had_a_dream_where_i_weighed_less_than_a/
%
We were driving on the highway and my wife said, “Hey, you missed a right!”

I said, “Thanks babe. You Mrs. right!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1mgj5/we_were_driving_on_the_highway_and_my_wife_said/
%
I gave my teenage son The Talk today. I said "son, we need to have a conversation about sex…"

And he said "sure dad, what would you like to know?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ma5z/i_gave_my_teenage_son_the_talk_today_i_said_son/
%
I got home and found my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I open the fridge, the light comes on, the beer is cold... like I keep saying - that woman is delusional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1m9sj/i_got_home_and_found_my_wife_had_left_a_note_on/
%
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Lawyer walk into a bar

the bartender looks up from his register and goes "what is this? some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1m2vv/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_lawyer_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.
What about the glue, you ask?
I knew you’d get stuck there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1lu8m/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_a_tuna_and/
%
A doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news"...

"Ok, tell me the bad news first" says the patient.
"Well, you have incurable cancer" the doctor says.
"Oh my god, what could be the good news?"
"Well, you won't have it for very long"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ljd4/a_doctor_tells_his_patient_i_have_good_news_and/
%
Do you know what French people smoke?

Oui’d.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1lizf/do_you_know_what_french_people_smoke/
%
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
The second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
The third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
The first guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore.
The second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
The third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
The second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1lip3/three_guys_are_walking_through_the_woods_when/
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A lawyer, an engineer and an accountant are applying for a job

at the job interview, they each get asked the same simple question, and are told to justify their answer. The question is, "what is two plus two?"
The lawyer takes out his briefcase and produces the 1978 docket wherein the case of Casey vs the State, two plus two was proven to be four.
The engineer takes out his slide rule and construction paper and converges from both sides of the number line, showing that the answer to two plus two lies between 3.99999999 and 4.0000001, so an answer of 4 can be assumed.
The accountant, getting asked the question, gets up, has a quick look outside the door and then closes it, before sliding his chair right up to the interviewers table. He puts his fingers together and leans in, asking, "what kind of number are you looking for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ldza/a_lawyer_an_engineer_and_an_accountant_are/
%
Nikolia, Sergei, and Alexander are in a Soviet era Gulag together when Sergei asks

Sergei: So what did you two do to end up here?
Alexander: I was always early for work, so the government accused me of espionage and sent me here.
Nikolia: I was always late for work so I had to work later to make up for lost time. The government accused me of sabotage and sent me here.
Alexander: What about you Sergei?
Sergei: I was always on time for work so the government accused me of buying a western alarm clock on the black market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1lder/nikolia_sergei_and_alexander_are_in_a_soviet_era/
%
I was wondering why that Frisbee was getting bigger....

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1lbt5/i_was_wondering_why_that_frisbee_was_getting/
%
What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1l5m8/what_sounds_like_a_sneeze_and_is_made_out_of/
%
I have a fear of over-engineered buildings

It's a complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1l4os/i_have_a_fear_of_overengineered_buildings/
%
If Apple was a pirate ship, what would their sailors wear?

An iPatch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1kyy3/if_apple_was_a_pirate_ship_what_would_their/
%
A red guy lives in the red house. A green guy lives in the green house. A blue guy lives in the blue house. A gray guy lives in the gray house. Who lives in the white house?

An orange guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1kwgy/a_red_guy_lives_in_the_red_house_a_green_guy/
%
A Husband and wife go to therapy. The Husband tells the therapist “ His wife gets historical every time she gets upset! The therapist corrected the husband and said “ hysterical”... the wife is sitting there with a smirk on her face. Like her husband is an idiot

The husband corrects the Therapist and said “ No she’s historical... she’s always bringing up the past “.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ksqf/a_husband_and_wife_go_to_therapy_the_husband/
%
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can’t unscrew a pregnant woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1krug/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
%
What did communists use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1krq0/what_did_communists_use_to_light_their_homes/
%
Did you hear about the movie “Mozart”?

It was rated R for excessive violins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1kpzx/did_you_hear_about_the_movie_mozart/
%
Did you hear the one about the blond coyote?

She chewed off 3 of her legs and was still stuck in the trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1kp2t/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_blond_coyote/
%
I told my mom i had made a bike out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1kfij/i_told_my_mom_i_had_made_a_bike_out_of_spaghetti/
%
Job Interview "what's your biggest weakness?"

Interviewer: "What's your biggest weakness?"
Me: "Honesty"
Interviewer: "Well... I don't really think honesty is a weakness"
Me: "I don't give a shit what you think"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1kb2s/job_interview_whats_your_biggest_weakness/
%
The "Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar" joke has been posted 3 times in the last 2 weeks

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1k65e/the_three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Two men are walking through the woods together and they come across an insanely huge hole in the ground.

The first man picks up a rock and tosses it into the hole. The rock vanishes from sight, and neither guy could hear the rock hit the bottom.
The second man decides to throw a huge log into the hole. After a few seconds pass, again there was no sound.
Both men, wanting to know how deep the hole is, spot an anvil and decide to toss it in, surely it would make a noise loud enough to hear.
A few seconds after throwing the anvil in, a goat comes sprinting through the brush and dives into the hole head first. Both men are completely astonished and scared half to death.
A few minutes later, a farmer comes tromping through the woods and asks the two men: "Hey have you two seen my prize winning goat?"
The first guy tells the farmer: "Yeah! Just a minute ago your goat came sprinting through the woods and dove into the hole! It scared us half to death!"
The farmer replies: "That's impossible! He was tied to an anvil!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1k4fv/two_men_are_walking_through_the_woods_together/
%
The guy who invented knock knock jokes

really deserves the no bell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1k4do/the_guy_who_invented_knock_knock_jokes/
%
Everybody hear about the new “Divorce” Barbie coming out for Christmas?

She comes with all of Ken’s shit too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1jwm3/everybody_hear_about_the_new_divorce_barbie/
%
A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)
She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot home. Only moments have passed and the parrot lets loose a slur of bad language. The woman then takes the parrot and puts it inside the freezer for 5 minutes. Once the time has passed she opens the freezer door to see the parrot shivering. Once  the parrot sees the lady it again fires off a barrage of insults and swear words that would have made anyone blush. The lady then closes the door, this time for 10 min. She comes back to open the door and sees the shivering parrot now with stiff wings and a small icicle forming at its beak. Undeterred, the parrot has more poor language to throw at the woman. Now the woman closes the door, this time for 15 min. She comes back and sees the parrot barely alive, almost frozen stiff. "Are you going to continue to use bad language?" the woman asks. "N-n-n-oooo" shivers the parrot, "b-b-but if I may ask one t-t-thing, what d-d-ddid that turkey say?" Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1jpmn/a_woman_goes_to_the_pet_store_to_buy_a_parrot/
%
XY XY XY XY XY

XX

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1jltn/xy_xy_xy_xy_xy/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*gagging noise*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1jj54/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Is having a penis fun?

It has its ups and downs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1j32z/is_having_a_penis_fun/
%
What do you call a lobster from China?

A crust-asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ixhv/what_do_you_call_a_lobster_from_china/
%
At work, I'm known as "Mr. Compromise."

That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1iqnx/at_work_im_known_as_mr_compromise/
%
Quick joke..

I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ipt3/quick_joke/
%
What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ip52/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

But you've probably never heard of herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1infn/i_want_to_tell_you_about_a_girl_who_only_eats/
%
Aladdin and his monkey, Abu, find a magic lamp.

The genie emerges and offers three wishes. Aladdin laments, “I’m just a poor lonely thief. My only friend is my monkey Abu here. I wish I could cover my eyes with my hands and when I uncover them, a new friend would appear.”
The genie says, “It is granted,” and Aladdin tries it out. He covers his eyes and upon uncovering them finds that there is a second monkey who looks just like Abu. While technically accurate, this wasn’t what he intended. He tries it many more times, each time finding a new copy of his monkey.
Eventually, he is surrounded by hundreds of monkeys, and he’s reached his limit. He’s now afraid to cover his eyes. Exasperated, he tells the genie that his second wish will be to revoke the first one.
“But didn’t I grant your wish?” the genie asks.
“In a way,” says Aladdin, “but all I’ve ended up with is Peak Abu.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1inei/aladdin_and_his_monkey_abu_find_a_magic_lamp/
%
I bought a bottle of shampoo the other day, which promised to “increase volume”

What a load of shit, I poured half the bottle into my ear and if anything it did the opposite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ih8b/i_bought_a_bottle_of_shampoo_the_other_day_which/
%
Did you know that there's actually no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1igzu/did_you_know_that_theres_actually_no_official/
%
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo

So I had to put
my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1iedx/my_wife_told_me_i_had_to_stop_acting_like_a/
%
I tripped over a box of Kleenex this morning and thought I had broken my ankle.

Thankfully, it was just soft tissue damage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1iako/i_tripped_over_a_box_of_kleenex_this_morning_and/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the
flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1i84q/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
Did you know about the prisoner who used to beat his cellmate with his wooden leg?

When the authorities confiscated it , he was hopping mad..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1i3ht/did_you_know_about_the_prisoner_who_used_to_beat/
%
One day I decided to slack off at work. I wasn't enjoying my job and was hoping I could work badly and get fired.

None of the other Chernobyl workers seemed to appreciate that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1i0c7/one_day_i_decided_to_slack_off_at_work_i_wasnt/
%
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crummy!
Then he was diagnosed with cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1hwq0/why_did_the_cookie_go_to_the_doctor/
%
What is the worst ice breaker?

The Titanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1hstz/what_is_the_worst_ice_breaker/
%
A communist, spy and chinese walks into a bar.

He orders a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1hqp5/a_communist_spy_and_chinese_walks_into_a_bar/
%
All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra.

I had to call the police to report domestic violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1hlg7/all_last_night_it_sounded_like_my_neighbors_were/
%
Hey guys what do you call an emergency vehicle made out of potatoes?

A yambulance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1hba9/hey_guys_what_do_you_call_an_emergency_vehicle/
%
Why can’t 9 ants rent an apartment?

Because they aren’t ten-ants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1h9x0/why_cant_9_ants_rent_an_apartment/
%
I asked my wife what I should do to exercise, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That....sounds like a big step.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1h9tm/i_asked_my_wife_what_i_should_do_to_exercise_and/
%
Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground?

Well, well, well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1h9fd/did_you_hear_about_the_3_holes_in_the_ground/
%
I saw that police were looking for a gravedigging corpse stealer. The other day, I saw a man offering people inanimate bodies for free.

It was kind of a dead giveaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1h5xn/i_saw_that_police_were_looking_for_a_gravedigging/
%
How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1h57t/how_would_a_muslim_describe_castros_gay_atheist/
%
I got a handjob from a blind girl last night She said, “You have the biggest dick I’ve ever put my hands on."

I said, “Nah. You’re just pulling my leg.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1h4ju/i_got_a_handjob_from_a_blind_girl_last_night_she/
%
I asked my friend how it is living in North Korea.

He says he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1h3ip/i_asked_my_friend_how_it_is_living_in_north_korea/
%
What’s the difference between bad karma and good karma?

You get bad karma from stealing other people’s belongings. You get Reddit karma from stealing other people’s jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1h29t/whats_the_difference_between_bad_karma_and_good/
%
Papa, Mama, and baby mole are in their hole relaxing.

Suddenly Papa mole says “I smell honey” so he sticks his head out of the
hole to look around.
Then Mama mole says “I smell maple syrup” so she sticks her head out
of the hole to look around.
Baby mole is too small to see out the hole so he says “All I smell is
molasses”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1h108/papa_mama_and_baby_mole_are_in_their_hole_relaxing/
%
r/TheLegoMovie was banned about a month ago

I wonder what horrible things they did to get blocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1h0r7/rthelegomovie_was_banned_about_a_month_ago/
%
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1gz05/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_was_stepped_on/
%
What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1gns0/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork.

The poor man dyed a loan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1gnny/a_man_who_makes_tie_dye_shirts_was_trying_to/
%
A mother has two babies, and she breastfeed them everyday

During breastfeeding, each baby would suckle on one of her nipples.
One day, one of the baby came up with a scheme to murder his brother, thinking that he would get more milk to himself that way. So, he secretly applied poison to the his brother's "nipple".
Little did he know, his brother had the exact same thought and carried out the exact same plan, wanting the same result.
Next morning, their dad was found poisoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1glno/a_mother_has_two_babies_and_she_breastfeed_them/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1gi2w/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
3 guys fall asleep in a barn

.And when they woke up in the morning, the guy on the right says " I just had the best dream last night, I dreamt I was being given a handjob!"
The guy on the left then said "really? I also dreamed I was being given a handjob!"
The guy who slept on the middle then says I dreamt that I was skiing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1gh9q/3_guys_fall_asleep_in_a_barn/
%
I have a book of Mongolian poetry.

It has its prose and Khans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1gek5/i_have_a_book_of_mongolian_poetry/
%
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”
With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.”
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.”
The father dialled the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”
He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!”
The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1gbj2/a_young_girl_who_was_writing_a_paper_for_school/
%
What are ants made from?

Anty matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1g8qu/what_are_ants_made_from/
%
Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day

Give a man a head of romaine lettuce and you'll feed him for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1g2lv/give_a_man_a_fish_and_youll_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
People say I look better without glasses.

But i just can't see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1g226/people_say_i_look_better_without_glasses/
%
What's Edgar Alan Poe's favorite vegetable to eat?

Corn on the macabre!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1frw0/whats_edgar_alan_poes_favorite_vegetable_to_eat/
%
A beautiful young psychologist conducted an experiment

She asked 2 men, a mathemetician and an engineer to disrobe and stand on one side of the room. She then undressed and stood on the other side.
She told them to come half the distance towards her. Each man took eight steps forward. Amunute later, she again told them to come half the distance to her and each man took four steps forward. A minute later, she again asked them to come half the distance towards her.
The engineer did, but the mathemetician balked.
"You know we'll never cover the whole distance to her right?" He said.
The engineer replied "who cares? In a few minutes i'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1fhwn/a_beautiful_young_psychologist_conducted_an/
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Three different types of engineers are debating which of their fields God must have worked in

A mechanical engineer speaks first.  "Look at the joints, look at the tendons and ligaments, look at how strong our bones are.  God was clearly a mechanical engineer."
An electrical engineer chimes in.  "Are you kidding me?  Look at the nerves, look at the way our brain can fire off a command to any part of our body with unmatched speed and precision.  Only an electrical engineer could have come up with  that."
Finally, the civil engineer speaks up.  "You're both wrong.  God was clearly a civil engineer, and a brilliant one at that.  Who else could have successfully routed a waste disposal system right through the middle of a recreational area?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ffu4/three_different_types_of_engineers_are_debating/
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I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1fcnu/ive_developed_a_fetish_for_figuring_things_out/
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My friend did not believe in the existence of trousers for monkeys.

I looked them up on the internet and told him,
"Chimp pants, see?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1fbpc/my_friend_did_not_believe_in_the_existence_of/
%
What’s Donald Trumps least favorite yogurt flavor.

Strawberry n’ peach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1f6o2/whats_donald_trumps_least_favorite_yogurt_flavor/
%
The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said "Window or Aisle" ?

I replied "Window or you'll what ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1f32v/the_girl_at_the_delta_airlines_checkin_desk_said/
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Why do Australian women never orgasm from breast play alone?

Because they come from a land down under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1eyzn/why_do_australian_women_never_orgasm_from_breast/
%
If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1eqkg/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_didnt_understand/
%
Prince Andrew

I'm so sad, I've just heard the news:
’Prince Andrew’s fatal car crash accident in Paris tunnel’...
Next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1epns/prince_andrew/
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar...

You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1epi4/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_in_to_a_bar/
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What is Harry Potter’s favourite way of getting down the hill?

Walking...
JK
Rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1emeo/what_is_harry_potters_favourite_way_of_getting/
%
I love jokes about mountains

They are hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1efzk/i_love_jokes_about_mountains/
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To the people who don't cover their mouths when they cough.

You make me sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ea58/to_the_people_who_dont_cover_their_mouths_when/
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A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink.
Jokingly, the bartender asks him if he would like a cup of blood to drink. Confused the vampire says "um no, I'll just have a cup of water."
The bartender brings him the cup of water and after a few moments the vampire pulls out a used tampoon and says "TEA TIME!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1e9p4/a_vampire_walks_into_a_bar/
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Dentist: "You have three cavities. Do you want to have them all filled today?"

"Woah woah, we just met, let's start with fixing my teeth, then we'll see about that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1dvpy/dentist_you_have_three_cavities_do_you_want_to/
%
Whenever i play FPS games

i feel like a necrophiliac
Cause im always fucking dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1doks/whenever_i_play_fps_games/
%
How many eggs does it take to make a French omelette?

Just one. In France one egg is un oeuf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1dg5n/how_many_eggs_does_it_take_to_make_a_french/
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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ddvj/a_big_texan_stopped_at_a_local_restaurant/
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What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?

They bother stick their meat in 10 year old buns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1daeo/what_do_priests_and_mcdonalds_have_in_common/
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The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1d9ps/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walked_into_a/
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The girl next door is known as the neighborhood bicycle, so I asked her to have sex with me.

But she was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1d7rj/the_girl_next_door_is_known_as_the_neighborhood/
%
Why are gay men so mean?

They’re all fucking assholes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1d5n9/why_are_gay_men_so_mean/
%
Give a man a plane ticket, and he'll fly for a day

Throw a man off a flight and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1d1iz/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_hell_fly_for_a_day/
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An engineer, a biologist, and a mathematician ...

... are told that 2 people walk into an empty house, and that later 3 people walk out.
The engineer says, "It's simple. There must have been an observational error, happens all the time."
The biologist says, "Ah, the two people must have been a couple and had a child."
The mathematician says, "If a person walks into the house now, then it'll be empty again."
Source: stats professor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1d0ul/an_engineer_a_biologist_and_a_mathematician/
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Why does the Germans make the filthiest porn?

Because they stopped making soap years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1cslt/why_does_the_germans_make_the_filthiest_porn/
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A kid goes to stay at his grandparents house for a weekend

On the first night, the kid and his grandad are sitting in the garage, Gramps is having a smoke. Kid says, "hey, can I get a puff?" Gramps says, "well. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Kid says, "no... What the hell??" Gramps says "well you can't have a puff of my cigar.
Next day, kid and Grandpa are sitting in the living room, Gramps is having a beer. Kid says "hey, let me get a sip." Gramps, "well... Does your dick touch your asshole?" Kid says, "dude no..." Gramps says, "well, then you can't have a sip of my beer".
Last day, kid and Gramps are sitting on the porch. Grandma comes out with a plate of some cookies, and hands them to the kid.
Grampa says, "hey, let me get one of them cookies." Kid says, "ha! Well, does ya dick touch your asshole??" Grampa says, "yes sir it does!" Kid says, "well go fuck yourself, these are my cookies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1comx/a_kid_goes_to_stay_at_his_grandparents_house_for/
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Why do I hate going to church?

I hate all the sitting kneeling and standing. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ccn5/why_do_i_hate_going_to_church/
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They asked me to organise a karaoke night for the blind

One of the songs I included was 'I Can See For Miles' by The Who, but the participants weren't really feeling the lyrics.
Mainly because I forgot to get the braille version.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1c8oq/they_asked_me_to_organise_a_karaoke_night_for_the/
%
Why does no one like fish merchants?

Because they selfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1c4cj/why_does_no_one_like_fish_merchants/
%
Brainwashing

Talk about mass brainwashing and no one bats an eye.
Perform mass brainwashing and everyone loses their minds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1bo2u/brainwashing/
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Drug store

The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”
The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead.”
The owner shouted, “You fool! What were you thinking? You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The staff member said, “Of course I can. Look at him, he’s not coughed once since I gave it to him – he’s too scared!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1bk2c/drug_store/
%
I just saw a couple having sex on their Accord

It's really something you Odyssey for yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1bbla/i_just_saw_a_couple_having_sex_on_their_accord/
%
I love that classic children's book about farting in bed:

*The Wind in the Pillows*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1b9et/i_love_that_classic_childrens_book_about_farting/
%
What’s blue and not heavy?

Light blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1b2is/whats_blue_and_not_heavy/
%
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?

Artificial Swedener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1avav/what_do_you_call_someone_who_immigrated_to_sweden/
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Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1av4v/cosmetic_surgery_used_to_be_such_a_taboo_subject/
%
A communist joke isn’t funny…

unless everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1auxu/a_communist_joke_isnt_funny/
%
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup yesterday

I had the biggest vowel movement of my life this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1aodq/i_ate_4_cans_of_alphabet_soup_yesterday/
%
They say nothing rhymes with orange, but I beg to differ

“Orange” and “nothing” don’t rhyme at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1akmg/they_say_nothing_rhymes_with_orange_but_i_beg_to/
%
Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin

He had an adept understanding of string theory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1ahwd/stephen_hawking_was_a_master_at_the_violin/
%
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!
(One of my six year old favourite jokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1a5a4/what_is_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
3 strings walk into a bar and sit down at a booth.

The first string goes up to the bar and asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender says “We don’t serve strings here, you should leave.”
The string goes back to his buddies and tells them the bad news. The second string is furious, and approaches the bar, and demands 3 beers with his money, but again, he is sent back with the same reply: “We don’t serve strings here.”
The third string wasn’t willing to leave the bar with no for an answer so he looks at his friends and says: “Tie me in a knot and fray out my edges.”
The other strings are confused, but does as he says. The third string approached the bar a moment later, tied in a knot with frayed edges.
The bartender looks at him and says “Hey, aren’t you with those strings over there?”
The string looks at him and says “I’m a frayed knot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1a274/3_strings_walk_into_a_bar_and_sit_down_at_a_booth/
%
'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment. 'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies.

My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1a0ml/what_kind_of_work_do_you_do_a_woman_passenger/
%
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e19uds/my_girlfriend_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the/
%
Scientist: My invention can creat matter in all three forms. Gas, liquid and solid.

My asshole: You know, I’m something of a scientist myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e19e31/scientist_my_invention_can_creat_matter_in_all/
%
Three guys compare their levels of intoxication

from a party the previous night.
The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."
The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."
The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife."
The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e192ja/three_guys_compare_their_levels_of_intoxication/
%
Why do seagulls fly over the sea ?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e192gn/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
%
A calculus pun for you math people

A calculus professor explains an example problem to her class.
"To do this, you need to find the initial position of the object."
A confused student asks, "y?"
"y₀," says the professor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e191jw/a_calculus_pun_for_you_math_people/
%
I am no longer a 14 year old virgin

I am now a 15 year old virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e18yu5/i_am_no_longer_a_14_year_old_virgin/
%
Little Johnny is sitting in class behind a girl named April

The teacher asks “who created the universe”
Little Johnny poked April with his pencil and April yelled “MY GOD”
the teacher replied with “ yes, god did create the universe”
Then the teacher asked another question “where do you go when you live a good life after you die”
Little Johnny pokes April with his pencil again and April yelled “heaven to Betsy”
The teacher replied with “ yes, you do go to heaven when you live a good life after you die”
Then the teacher asked “what did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child”
Little Johnny poked April again with his pencil and April yelled “ if you stick that thing into me again I’m just gunna lose it”
The teacher looked at April then fainted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e18uyz/little_johnny_is_sitting_in_class_behind_a_girl/
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Thought I would never find true love until a Chinese woman stole my heart,

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e18d8r/thought_i_would_never_find_true_love_until_a/
%
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..

So I told him, “C4 yourself”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e18a69/a_guy_was_wondering_what_being_a_suicide_bomber/
%
Where do Volkswagen's go when they get old?

The Old Volks home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e187xu/where_do_volkswagens_go_when_they_get_old/
%
What gender pronouns do chocolate bars use?

Her/she

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e181z5/what_gender_pronouns_do_chocolate_bars_use/
%
An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.
A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion coming from the lecture hall and decides to see what is going on. He gets as close as he can to the front a d asks one of the students trying to get in what the lecture is suppose to be about.
“Well an engineer is in there, giving a speech entitled “The Mechanical Properties and Shear Strength Analysis of Joints Fastened By Means of Metallic Slugs Compressed by Pneumatic Tools” the Student replied.
The man’s mouth dropped open in disbelief, “This whole crowd and all that noise, for something that sounds like a snooze fest?” he asked.
The student replied, “Oh don’t let the name fool you. When it comes right down to it, it is simply riveting!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e17t53/an_engineer_is_giving_a_lecture_at_the_local/
%
What do all Star Trek captains have in common?

They all have three ears.
A left ear.
A right ear.
And a final frontier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e17jzx/what_do_all_star_trek_captains_have_in_common/
%
Boy asks his mum...McDonalds for dinner?

Mum: ..only if you can spell it.
Boy: ...fuck it. KFC?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e179q8/boy_asks_his_mummcdonalds_for_dinner/
%
An American went to Ireland to play golf...

So anyway, the American went down to the local club in Killarney and asked around for a playing partner. “I’d be fairly good now so I’d need someone with experience”. “Ah, Micilín is your man” he was told. So he agreed with Micilín to play him for a few quid the next morning at 9. However, Micilín did say he might be half an hour late.
So Micilín turns up at 9 on the dot with a left handed set of clubs, and beats the American fairly convincingly. The American goes to him “I’ll have to have you again tomorrow”. Micilín says “that’s no bother, but again I could be half an hour late.”
So the next day Micilín shows up again at 9, but this time with a right handed set of clubs. The American thinks to himself, surely I’ll win this time, but again Micilín outplays him a second time. So the American, frustrated now, says “ I’ll have to play you once more”. Micilín replies once again “no bother, but I might be half an hour late.” The American, bewildered, goes “I have to ask, how do you decide whether you’ll play right handed or left handed?”. “Well”, Micilín replies,”in the morning I look at the wife. If she’s on her left side I play left handed, and if she’s on her right side I play right handed”
“What do you do if she’s on her back?”, the American asks.
“Well, I’ll be half an hour late.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e178us/an_american_went_to_ireland_to_play_golf/
%
I need a new friend.

The last one escaped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e16m8q/i_need_a_new_friend/
%
How do you cut the ocean in half?

A SEA-SAW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e16bft/how_do_you_cut_the_ocean_in_half/
%
Oscar Chavez was a great fencer

He won many tournaments until he entered the r/jokes fencing tournament.
He used his usual aggressive thrusts, but only his opponents quick parries would score points.
Enraged, he asked the judges why he lost without scoring any points.
"I'm sorry, but this is r/jokes, OC always loses to riposters."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e166wq/oscar_chavez_was_a_great_fencer/
%
What do you call a pig in a desert wearing a witches hat?

A ham sand witch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e15u8n/what_do_you_call_a_pig_in_a_desert_wearing_a/
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What do you call an erection at a funeral?

Mourning wood!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e15u5s/what_do_you_call_an_erection_at_a_funeral/
%
I walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird that they didn't cremate it with the rest of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e15tdx/i_walked_in_on_my_grandmother_sucking_my/
%
Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom.  When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.
He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.
His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light coming from a hole in the corner of the room.  'oh well, any port in a storm' he thought, as he squatted over the hole, and let loose.
As he felt the glorious relief of finally emptying his bowels, he hears a commotion coming from the auditorium below.
Pulling up his pants, he found his way downstairs, to the lobby flooded with angry men covered in feces.
"Hey, what happened?" He asked his friend.
"Everything was going great, until they put it up to a vote to strike, then the shit really hit the fan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e15lni/jeff_was_running_late_for_a_union_meeting_and/
%
What is a dinosaur’s least favorite reindeer?

Comet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e15d15/what_is_a_dinosaurs_least_favorite_reindeer/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy. And the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e15b4p/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Toxic masculinity is not a problem or even a thing

and im ready to fight anyone who disagrees with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e158eb/toxic_masculinity_is_not_a_problem_or_even_a_thing/
%
There's a porn site that makes you watch at least 10 minutes of dwarf MILF content before you can access anything else.

That's their bare mini mum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e1572y/theres_a_porn_site_that_makes_you_watch_at_least/
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An irish man walks out of a bar...

Impossible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e14x6g/an_irish_man_walks_out_of_a_bar/
%
Little Johny had 30 chocolates, he ate 20, what does little Johny have now?

Diarrhea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e14kll/little_johny_had_30_chocolates_he_ate_20_what/
%
I don't like jokes about hats.

They go over my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e14jg4/i_dont_like_jokes_about_hats/
%
[In court] Me: Your honour, I was having sex between the hours of 10 and 11 on that day.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.
Me: I just wanted to get it on the record.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e14fik/in_court_me_your_honour_i_was_having_sex_between/
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Leprechuans in a Nunnery

Two leprechauns walk into a nunnery. The first leprechaun flags down a nun and asks her, "excuse me sister, Oi's just wond'rin. Would ya happen to have any nuns that're my size?" the nun replies, "noo my son, I'm afraid you're a very wee man. We have no nuns here that're your size." the leprechaun thanks her and turns to leave when his buddy grabs him by the shoulder and says "noice try, where ya think you're going?" He shrugs and slumps his shoulders and turns back to flag down another nun.
"Excuse me sister," he asks, "My friend 'n oi, we just wanted to ask: are there any nuns my size in all of Ireland?" Again, she replies, "No my son, you're a very wee man! There're no nuns your size in all of Ireland" Again, he thanks her and turns to slump away, when his friend claps down on his shoulder and shakes his head. With a shrug and a sigh the leprechaun goes back and asks to speak with the Mother Superior.
"Excuse me, Mother. I'm so sorry to take up your time, but I 'ave to know!! Are there any nuns my size in all of Britain??" She furls her brow and replies, that "No my son, I'm afraid you're a very wee man! There are no nuns your size, *anywhere in the world!*"
"HAH!!" the second leprechaun shouts out, "I TOLD YA YA FUCKED A PENGUIN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e14a8d/leprechuans_in_a_nunnery/
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Know how to cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Just tell them you're not coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e13zk3/know_how_to_cancel_an_appointment_at_a_sperm_bank/
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Genie: You have two wishes left.

Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead
Penie: And your final wish?
Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead
Penis:
Ms: Nics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e13s0n/genie_you_have_two_wishes_left/
%
What game does a drug addict play the most?

Need for speed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e13ll2/what_game_does_a_drug_addict_play_the_most/
%
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to
go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the dinner table. And
you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,
who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e13f6c/during_one_of_her_daily_classes_a_teacher_trying/
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How did I know my wife was dead?

Well the amount of sex stayed the same but the dishes were piling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e137ce/how_did_i_know_my_wife_was_dead/
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Question 1: What is the round thing they throw in the Olympics?

Discuss:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e132ds/question_1_what_is_the_round_thing_they_throw_in/
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A wise man once said

"Don't quote me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e12ycz/a_wise_man_once_said/
%
Why did the Vampire go to the doctor?

He couldn’t stop coffin...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e12wxw/why_did_the_vampire_go_to_the_doctor/
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My wife told me that having sex with me was like watching a gif.

It doesn’t last long, it’s small and it’s the same thing over and over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e12s6i/my_wife_told_me_that_having_sex_with_me_was_like/
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What’s the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke
(This one almost got me fired from my job after using it to take a piss out of a co-worker)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e12s2k/whats_the_difference_between_three_dicks_and_a/
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If you skydive without a parachute

You’ll be doing it for the rest of your life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e12q1z/if_you_skydive_without_a_parachute/
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[NSFW] I was having trouble sleeping, so I went to my doctor for help. He said "you'll have to stop masturbating"...

I asked why.
*"Because I'm trying to examine you, goddamit!"* He replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e12iv7/nsfw_i_was_having_trouble_sleeping_so_i_went_to/
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What kind of fish is made of only two Sodium atoms?

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e12hkp/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_of_only_two_sodium_atoms/
%
A man is having trouble with a crossword puzzle, and asks his wife for help

"What's another word for an overloaded mailman? 16 across".
"How many letters?", she replies.
"Thousands I'd imagine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e12e2c/a_man_is_having_trouble_with_a_crossword_puzzle/
%
Why does M&Ms prefer blowjobs over handjobs?

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e12dfu/why_does_mms_prefer_blowjobs_over_handjobs/
%
I am so glad that I waited until marriage to have sex with my girlfriend

Sex is way more fun when I am cheating on my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e129kl/i_am_so_glad_that_i_waited_until_marriage_to_have/
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What do you call a potato with a broom ?

A sweep potato.
You’re welcome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e128ig/what_do_you_call_a_potato_with_a_broom/
%
Always give 100%!

Unless you're giving blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e11z80/always_give_100/
%
A girl was a prostitute but...

She lived with her grandma and didn't want her to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. "Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e11z6v/a_girl_was_a_prostitute_but/
%
Two women are talking

One of them says "do you have a son?"
The other replies "yes, I do."
-"Oh, does he drink?"
-"No, but..."
-"Does he smoke?"
-"No, but..."
-"Whoa, congratulations on your son, these times it's hard to find boys like him. Oh, and how old is he?"
-"Two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e11w58/two_women_are_talking/
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Why are they called 'hemorrhoids'?

Shouldn't they be called 'asteroids'?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e11vdz/why_are_they_called_hemorrhoids/
%
What do you call a Fat person marrying your daughter?

Your future ton in law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e11ukl/what_do_you_call_a_fat_person_marrying_your/
%
I like my socks to be athiests.

That way I know they're not holy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e11jg6/i_like_my_socks_to_be_athiests/
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What do you call a cake baked by a prostitute?

Hoe Made

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e11d0u/what_do_you_call_a_cake_baked_by_a_prostitute/
%
Taxes are like antibacterial gel.

They only effective against the 99%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e116fh/taxes_are_like_antibacterial_gel/
%
You’re trapped in a room with unbreakable walls and no doors or windows. All you have is a computer. How do you get out?

Press the escape key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e115uc/youre_trapped_in_a_room_with_unbreakable_walls/
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Once upon a time

In a kingdom lived a princess who enjoyed many men. To stop this the king put a razor blade inside her vagina. Reportedly one man slept with her and got away unscathed so the king asked him how he did it, to which he replied: " I athe thfe pushhy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e115qx/once_upon_a_time/
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What do you call a suicide bomber who’s only “meh” at his job?

An okay boomer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e115ik/what_do_you_call_a_suicide_bomber_whos_only_meh/
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A 22 year old man is searching for himself after college

He decides to take a trip around the world with the money he’s saved up over the years. After traveling through Europe, Asia, the Americas and Africa he lands himself in Egypt.
In Egypt he rents a jeep and sets off to explore the desert. However, he realizes that he is lost. He becomes exhausted and delirious, quickly accepting his fate.
However, just before he is about to turn off his jeep, he spots a large structure in the distance. He drives to it and sees a small green snake standing to the left of a golden lever.
“Hello, my name is Nate,” says the snake. “I am the guardian of the world. If this lever is switched, every living thing on earth will perish. I have protected this lever like my father before me and his father before him and his father before him and his father before him and his...”
“Okay, okay,” says the man. “But, I’m dying, can you help me?”
“Yes,” says Nate, “But in exchange you need to train my son, Marvin.”
“How?” asks the man.
“You must show him all that is beautiful about the world, so he knows the value of protecting it.”
So the man does as he is told and he takes Marvin across all the continents and countries. The young snake see the Alps, and the Great Barrier Reef, and the UN headquarters and all that is beautiful and worth protecting.
The man and Marvin return to Egypt and rent a jeep. As they are approaching Nate’s lever they realize the jeep is out of control.
“I can’t stop it!” says the man, “I’m going to have to hit Nate or the lever!”
In complete panic, the man swerves to the left hitting and killing Nate.
“It’s okay,” says Marvin, “Better Nate than Lever.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e10yrh/a_22_year_old_man_is_searching_for_himself_after/
%
Watched a talent show audition and of course before this guy gets up to sing he has to go on and on about how his Swedish car broke down on the way there and he has no way home, etc.

I wish people could just sing without telling a Saab story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e10tkx/watched_a_talent_show_audition_and_of_course/
%
What do you call a stable black Irishman?

Homie O'Stasis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e10sdy/what_do_you_call_a_stable_black_irishman/
%
What did a zero say to an eight?

Nice belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e10mck/what_did_a_zero_say_to_an_eight/
%
(Not mine but had to share) *in a Deep South accent

I like my beer like I like my violence...
...Domestic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e10grv/not_mine_but_had_to_share_in_a_deep_south_accent/
%
Did you know Reddit is green?

It's 90% recycled content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e10ffe/did_you_know_reddit_is_green/
%
One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No, it's a beet, but I like the way you think. - Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like the way you think" the teacher replies. "Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like the way you think."
Johnny has had enough, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand down my pants. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter... *but I like the way you think!!!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e10eif/one_day_in_class_the_teacher_brought_a_bag/
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My Favorite Thanksgiving Joke

A young man had just finished stocking the turkey freezer display when an older lady standing nearby approached him and asked, "Young man, do these turkeys get any bigger?"   "No ma'am" he replied, "these turkeys are dead".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e10bd4/my_favorite_thanksgiving_joke/
%
Son: Dad, what’s an alcoholic.

Dad: Well son, see those 4 cars? an alcoholic would see 8.
Son: But dad, there are only 2 cars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e106hn/son_dad_whats_an_alcoholic/
%
What type of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly squats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e10261/what_type_of_exercise_do_lazy_people_do/
%
Why was c afraid of all the other letters?

Because they were not c’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0zux4/why_was_c_afraid_of_all_the_other_letters/
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Teacher: Little Johnny, name two pronouns

Little Johnny: Who, me?
Teacher: Very good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0zpzl/teacher_little_johnny_name_two_pronouns/
%
Sunday school

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0zkkz/sunday_school/
%
Why is capitalization important?

because using chemicals to remove polish is just an annoying thing people have to do with their nails but using chemicals to remove Polish is one of hitler's war crimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0zitn/why_is_capitalization_important/
%
A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0zi6i/a_student_fell_asleep_in_class_so_the_teacher/
%
What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0zhve/what_exercise_can_olympic_weightlifters_still/
%
There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town

They are most likely going to face time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0zdnp/there_are_two_guys_stealing_iphones_around_the/
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The cowboy

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy,  that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0zdme/the_cowboy/
%
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on
Frank."Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0z5cy/the_pastor_asked_if_anyone_in_the_congregation/
%
Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0z3yh/went_to_donate_blood_todayawful_experience_never/
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A woman called me misogynistic

I said no because she's a woman and her opinion doesn't matter anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0yx4o/a_woman_called_me_misogynistic/
%
What's the difference between life and a pencil?

A pencil has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0yc1x/whats_the_difference_between_life_and_a_pencil/
%
Doctor's Visit

A man walks into a doctor's awaiting some test results.
The doctor sits him down and says, 'Pick a star sign, any star sign'
The man replies, 'Capricorn.'
And the doctor goes, 'Nah, you got cancer.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0y6hc/doctors_visit/
%
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons...

“My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”
“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”
“WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0xxyu/three_old_ladies_are_sitting_around_a_table/
%
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, "Who are you?"
The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."
Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?"
The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever."
The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish."
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life."
The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan."
Dylan said, "No way!"
The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?"
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves."
Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left.
Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, "Forty-five."
The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0xwdc/dylan_was_practicing_his_golf_swing_in_his_front/
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I told my psychiatrist that I'm hearing voices

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0xnmf/i_told_my_psychiatrist_that_im_hearing_voices/
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How much cum do gay guys have?

Buttloads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0xjxf/how_much_cum_do_gay_guys_have/
%
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.
As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past.
She sees him - a small, limbless blob - out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him!
As she approaches he thinks to himself - “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer,  her smile growing with each step, until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him
a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?”
Excitedly, the man responds “no!”
The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0xjfh/a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs_is_sitting_on_the/
%
A 10 year old girl asked her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

The mother smiled and replied, “Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high we fucked without a condom.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0xgin/a_10_year_old_girl_asked_her_mother_mommy_how_was/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0xgad/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
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I just figured out that my toaster is not waterproof.

I was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0xg2c/i_just_figured_out_that_my_toaster_is_not/
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Young boy goes up to his Dad and asks "Where did I come from?"

His father sighs and says "I was hoping your mother would get this question but OK I will explain".
"So when a man and woman are in love and want to have a baby they get naked and get into bed and then they touch each other and kiss and the man touches the woman's breasts and vagina and the woman touches the man's penis and they kiss and the man's penis gets erect, which means it gets hard and the woman's vagina gets all wet and slippery which means its ready for the man to put his penis in there. So the man puts his penis into the woman's vagina and thrusts it in and out until he gets really excited and then he squirts his sperm which is his seed into the the woman's vagina. The sperm then swim up the vagina and through the cervix and into the uterus where the woman has an ova which is like an egg and then one sperm usually enters the ova and fertilizes it which starts the beginning of a baby. The this little thing grows and grows inside the woman's womb and then after nine months it is ready to come out. So the woman goes to the hospital and they take care of her while she goes into labour and the baby moves down her birth canal which is her womb and vagina and after a long time the baby finally comes out of the woman's vagina and that is where you came from". The father feeling quite proud of his explanation looks down at his son and sees the horrified expression on his face and confused he asks him "Why do you ask son?"
His terrified son replies "Because the new kid that moved in next door said he came from Baltimore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0xdxo/young_boy_goes_up_to_his_dad_and_asks_where_did_i/
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A silly joke my grandpa used to tell me

A man is walking down a roadside when he sees a street vendor selling umbrellas. One of them catches his eye, so he walks over, points at the umbrella and asks, "How much for this one?"
"$20," the vendor says.
The man knew that an umbrella being sold on the street would barely last in a strong rainfall, so he decided to strike a bargain – "I'll take it for $5," he said.
The vendor thought he was out of his mind, but he was used to people asking for outrageous prices, so he played along. "That's much too low. I'll give it to you for $16," he said.
"No," said the man firmly. "$5."
"Okay sir I'm sorry but that's just too low," said the vendor, taking the umbrella into his hands and opening it up, trying to show it off. "I'll bring it down to $12," he said.
But the man refused, adamant on his five dollars.
At this point the vendor was fuming. "Sir you're asking for a completely ridiculous price." he said, closing the umbrella and raising his voice. "I'll bump it down to $8, but never in my life have I sold an umbrella for less than that."
"No, I will not take it for anything more than $5," said the man.
The vendor, positively enraged, threw the umbrella at the man. "Fuck you and your five dollars, you can have it for free!" he shouted.
"Well in that case," said the man, plucking out another umbrella from the stand, "I will take two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0x3yg/a_silly_joke_my_grandpa_used_to_tell_me/
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A man walks into a bar...

then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0x3mt/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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The man and his penguins

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looker in the back of the man's truck and said, "Why are these penguins in your truck?"
The man replied, "These are my penguins. They belong to me."
"You need to take them to the zoo," the policeman said. The man agreed and head off.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!" the officer exclaimed.
"I did," the man replied, "today I'm taking them to the beach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0wxo4/the_man_and_his_penguins/
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Unpacking my bag after arriving at the hotel in Spain and realise I forgot to pack my toiletries bag...

After the long flight I desperately needed some stuff from my bag so without hesitation went to the closest shop. I asked the Spanish man behind the counter if he had any deodorant, he replied in a broken English accent “ball or aerosol” confused I said “no no just for my armpits please”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0wuf6/unpacking_my_bag_after_arriving_at_the_hotel_in/
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My wife and I were at a show watching a beautiful dancer on stage...

Wife: Did you just wolf-whistle when she did the splits?
Me: Um no, it was probably just trapped air escaping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0wsyb/my_wife_and_i_were_at_a_show_watching_a_beautiful/
%
A father whale and his son were swimming when the son whale asked his father "where did I come from."

The father whale replied "from my penis son."
The son rolled his eyes and said "thanks dad" to which the father whale replied, "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0wsy6/a_father_whale_and_his_son_were_swimming_when_the/
%
What do you call a child who fell off the roof?

An ambulance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0wsqf/what_do_you_call_a_child_who_fell_off_the_roof/
%
Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?
\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.
Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?
\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.
Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water?
\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.
Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night?
\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.
...Grasshopper?
\--Yes, Master Po.
You should spend more time training and less time watching stupid shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0wruc/master_po_why_is_kung_fu_so_hard/
%
A mother and her 8-year-old daughter are walking through the park.

All of a sudden, they see a young couple having sex on a bench.
Daughter: "What are they doing, Mom"
Mom: "They are baking cake, come on, let's hurry. We've got to get to the zoo."
So a bit later, they are at the zoo and they see two monkeys having sex.
Daughter: "Mom, what are they doing?"
Mom: "They are baking cake. Let's go home, it's getting late."
The next morning, the girl comes downstairs and tells her mom:
"Mom, you and dad were baking cake last night in the living room, right?"
Mom: "Uh, yeah, how do you know?"
Daughter: "I licked the icing of the couch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0wp7y/a_mother_and_her_8yearold_daughter_are_walking/
%
I didn’t want to lose my virginity to someone else

So i took it into my own hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0w9gy/i_didnt_want_to_lose_my_virginity_to_someone_else/
%
What did communist countries use to light their homes before candlelight?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0w6zh/what_did_communist_countries_use_to_light_their/
%
Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had answered all the questions without a fault.
Teacher interjects and proposes to ask little Johnny a few questions herself. The principal has no argument and allows her to proceed.
Teacher:"Allright you little shit,
Cows have 4 of them, but I got 2, what are they?"
Johnny:Legs, miss.
The principal is taken aback, but before he could say anything, teacher continues.
Teacher:"What can be found in your pants, but not in mine?"
Johnny:"Pockets, miss"
Teacher:"correct,Where do women have their hair the curliest"
Johnny :"In Africa, miss"
Teacher:"What is soft, but on a woman's hand becomes hard"?
Johnny:"Nail polish, miss"
The principal is beside himself at this point, but before he could interject...
Teacher:What do, men and women have in the middle of their legs?
Johnny:knees.
Teacher:What do married women have wider than unmarried women.
Johnny:beds.
Teacher:Which part of my body gets dripping wet, when Im excited?
Johnny: your tongue
Teacher:What starts with the letter "A",it starts narrow but widens over time, And men allways ask for it.
Johnny:Autobahn
The principal, out of breath and sweaty finally stops the questions.
Principal:Son I'm not sending you to the highschool, I'm sending you straight to college.
Even I'd have gotten those questions wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0w4ky/little_johnny_asked_his_teacher_if_he_could_talk/
%
Elderly Woman

“An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
Even I was not sure I found this joke somewhere hidden in some book

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0vx3t/elderly_woman/
%
you can remove polish with chemicals...

so long as you're not Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0vmcq/you_can_remove_polish_with_chemicals/
%
Have you ever tried to eat a clock ?

It's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0v7qh/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
%
I saw this gorgeous Thai lady with spectacular boobs get on the train and sit opposite me. I thought to myself 'Don't get an erection!'

But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0v1f6/i_saw_this_gorgeous_thai_lady_with_spectacular/
%
TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0v0h5/tifu_by_ordering_a_roast_beef_instead_of_chicken/
%
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

All of the sailors were marooned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0uscd/did_you_hear_about_the_red_ship_and_the_blue_ship/
%
Why did Logan Paul not High Five Ricegum?

Because he likes to leave Asians hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0uqqm/why_did_logan_paul_not_high_five_ricegum/
%
How do you fit 1,000,000 elephants in a Safeway?

You take the S from Safe and the F from Way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ugqk/how_do_you_fit_1000000_elephants_in_a_safeway/
%
Why did the two 4's skip lunch?

They already 8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ugjj/why_did_the_two_4s_skip_lunch/
%
I was in the shower tonight and my wife told me that I’m like a Tesla

Sexy as hell but overpriced and have a limited range

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ue5t/i_was_in_the_shower_tonight_and_my_wife_told_me/
%
What sound does a 747 make when it has a bumpy landing?

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0u9qb/what_sound_does_a_747_make_when_it_has_a_bumpy/
%
A random riddle

A man fell out of the highest window in a building that has more than 5 stories.
He survived with hardly any injuries.
How?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0tzi1/a_random_riddle/
%
What's the opposite of Albert Einstein?

Alabama, because relatives is everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0twzl/whats_the_opposite_of_albert_einstein/
%
When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he's dead,

He's decomposing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0tws9/when_mozart_was_alive_he_was_composing_now_that/
%
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”
“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”
I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.
I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.
They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”
I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?”
He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0tvol/my_mate_broke_his_leg_so_i_went_to_see_him_at_home/
%
A dick has a sad life:

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, & his owner beats him.
\+F dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ts54/a_dick_has_a_sad_life/
%
Obscure historical joke... Mithridates VI walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "So, what's your poison?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0tl7d/obscure_historical_joke_mithridates_vi_walks_into/
%
Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0tij2/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
What do you call a magic owl?

Hoo-dini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0tiea/what_do_you_call_a_magic_owl/
%
What has two thumbs and 100k karma on their cake day?

Not me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0td3g/what_has_two_thumbs_and_100k_karma_on_their_cake/
%
A man is sitting at a bar. Another gentleman walks up and sits next to him. The first man looks at the new comer and says to him “did You know this bar is so high up in the tower that you can jump out the window and the gusts will lift you up and float you right back in the window?”

The new guy looks at him, astonished at this. The first guy says “watch I’ll show you”, takes a shot of whiskey, runs over to the window and jumps out. Thirty seconds later he floats right back up and through the window and walks back over to the Other gentleman.
Amazed, the other guy says “I can’t believe it, I have to try it!”, he takes a shot, runs to the window, jumps out and falls to his death.
The bartender comes over to the gentleman now sitting at the bar by himself, and says “you know Superman, you can be a real jerk when you’re drunk”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0taqh/a_man_is_sitting_at_a_bar_another_gentleman_walks/
%
The Soviet Union had excellent snipers...

They were outstanding Marxmen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0t8uz/the_soviet_union_had_excellent_snipers/
%
Having sex is like having a Porsche. The first time you try it it's over way too fast, you couldn't wait to do it again and people probably think your cool for the rest of your life...

...also I've never had a Porsche.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0t81e/having_sex_is_like_having_a_porsche_the_first/
%
A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry. Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!

Furious, she questions her husband.
The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"
The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here."
"Nah," said the husband musingly, "she doesn't even wear panties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0t7nd/a_wife_goes_on_a_retreat_for_work_for_a_few_days/
%
Hey dad, is that a wiener dog on that pier?

No, that’s a dock, son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0sxhq/hey_dad_is_that_a_wiener_dog_on_that_pier/
%
Fitted sheets were the original USB plug

You put it on and it’s wrong. You turn it once and it’s still wrong. You turn it back and then it’s right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0sx9l/fitted_sheets_were_the_original_usb_plug/
%
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0suhy/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_guys_sitting_on/
%
Jared from Subway's career ended the same way it started.

Trying to get into smaller pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0spzr/jared_from_subways_career_ended_the_same_way_it/
%
A Man Runs Over a Woman's Cat

Mortified. He picks up the cats body and knocks on the woman's door.
Seeing the cat, she bursts into tears.
"I'm sorry." Said the man, "I didn't see him until it was too late."
Feeling bad for the distraught woman shedding tears, he tries to make it right.
"I'd like to replace your cat." He said.
Wiping tears away with a glimmer of hope in her eyes, she replies,
"OK, but how good are you at catching mice?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0sk2l/a_man_runs_over_a_womans_cat/
%
I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.

I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?"
"Sure, but how can that help?"
"Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0shnj/i_was_in_a_very_busy_whole_foods_and_saw_this/
%
(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”
Billy looks at junior and says “hell yah!” and runs over to the fence. Billy looks back at junior, drops his pants, and then  sticks his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0sc6w/nsfw_two_rednecks_junior_and_billy_are_walking/
%
What's South of Bikini Bottom?

Thigh-land

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0sbry/whats_south_of_bikini_bottom/
%
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children.

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0sb98/maria_a_devout_catholic_got_married_and_had_15/
%
What's the difference between a Twix and a dick?

Try eating a Twix sometime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0s8k6/whats_the_difference_between_a_twix_and_a_dick/
%
A guy told me not to try cross dressing

He told me it was kind of a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0s7xr/a_guy_told_me_not_to_try_cross_dressing/
%
Man gets pulled over

A cop pulls over a man for speeding and he came up to the car and he said you were speeding and did you know your wife fell out of the car about two miles back?
The man said oh thank God, I thought I'd gone deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0s1ts/man_gets_pulled_over/
%
I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0rq8m/i_saw_a_crying_baby_in_a_hot_car_today_i_grabbed/
%
What’s an Anti-Vaxxer’s favorite song?

Down with the Sickness!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0rji0/whats_an_antivaxxers_favorite_song/
%
Hey girl, are you interested in premature ejaculatiors? Cause

Hnnng, nevermind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0rfkz/hey_girl_are_you_interested_in_premature/
%
There was once a man named Chondria [OC]

There was once a man named Chondria in prison. Even though he was in prison, he was actually a very kind and generous man who had an accident due to his enormous strength. Because of this, he always helped his fellow inmates finish their various chores faster and better. One day, one inmate said to another "Chondria really is a nice person. He's always so kind and helpful." The other said "Yeah, the might of Chondria is the powerhouse of the cell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0re02/there_was_once_a_man_named_chondria_oc/
%
A woman sees a parrot for sale at a flea market.

She says to the guy selling it, "What a cute parrot. Does he talk?"
Before the guy could reply, the parrot squawks, "Of course I do, you slut!"
The woman is quite taken aback at this, so the guy immediately gets apologetic and says.
"If you want to buy him, wait here. I'll be right back."
The guy then grabs the parrot, rushes off to the kitchen area where there is water boiling on the stove, and dunks the parrot in the boiling water while hissing "You are not to be rude to women!"
The parrot says, "Okay Boss, I got it and I'm sorry. I won't do it anymore. Get me out."
The guy then brings the parrot to the woman and says "Everything's fine now."
The woman then asks the parrot,
"What would you say if I came home with a man?"
Parrot: Good evening, my lady and good evening, sir.
Woman: And If I came home with two men?
Parrot: Good evening my lady, and good evening gentlemen.
Woman: And if I came home with three men?
Parrot (turning to the guy): Hey Boss, boil the water, she really IS a slut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0r8mi/a_woman_sees_a_parrot_for_sale_at_a_flea_market/
%
I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitler's parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment ‘Under The Sea' dance.

It's called 'Back to the Fuhrer’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0r854/i_am_writing_a_film_script_about_going_back_in/
%
“I only like lemons,”

Tom said zestfully

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0r72n/i_only_like_lemons/
%
When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0r5uc/when_i_was_younger_i_felt_like_a_man_trapped/
%
A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,
"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"
"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all."
"What about Hampden-Sydney?"
"Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident."
"Well, Alabama has to have something, right?"
"Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0r2ry/a_teenager_is_trying_to_decide_where_to_go_to/
%
There’s a lot of blaming and accusations going on concerning the Trump/China trade talks. Basically . . .

It’s a lot of He said Xi said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0qwqp/theres_a_lot_of_blaming_and_accusations_going_on/
%
Irish woman and the milkman

Little old Irish woman is sitting on her porch waiting for the milkman. He arrives and drops off her milk. She says “Oh thank you, but for next time could you bring me 500 pints of milk?”
“500 pints of milk?!!” the man says, “Whatcha need 500 pints of milk fer?!”
The old woman says “I’d like to take a milk bath.”
The milkman says “Well, alright then..would you like the milk pasteurized?”
The woman replies “Oh no, just up to me tits is fine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0qtgq/irish_woman_and_the_milkman/
%
A mathematician opens a bakery

and does a fine job making sure the goods are absolute delights and well priced for such. However, one day his customers walk in to see that the price of pies has doubled from the day prior, Furious, they ask why, and the owner says, “Well, I realized that I was charging for one pie but selling two!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0qj4d/a_mathematician_opens_a_bakery/
%
Two things that never get old...

Dark humor and unvaccinated children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0qhhc/two_things_that_never_get_old/
%
What’s the difference between catholic priests and pimples?

Pimples doesn’t come on young boys faces until they are in their teens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0qhgw/whats_the_difference_between_catholic_priests_and/
%
There's a reason people don't make jokes about the Jonestown massacre!

The punch line is too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0qc6w/theres_a_reason_people_dont_make_jokes_about_the/
%
A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0q4a7/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What’s round and bad tempered?

A vicious circle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0q0ka/whats_round_and_bad_tempered/
%
Do all three and get the money

A guy goes into a bar and sees a huge jar filled to the top with money.  He asks the bar tender what's with the jar of money?
The bar tender says if you want that money you have to knock out the huge dude at the end of the bar, go back in the alley and pull the sore tooth out of the junkyard dog back there and then go upstairs and screw fat Mary.
The guy really wants the money so he gulps down a few more whiskeys for courage and puts his $10 in the jar.
Then he goes over to the huge guy at the end of the bar and catches him off guard, sucker punches him under the chin and knocks him out with the first punch.
Then he heads out into the alley to the dog and all hell breaks loose. There's fur flying, claws flying, punches landing, screaming and the dog starts yelping.
After several minutes the guy comes back into the bar covered with blood and scratches all over his chest and says "now where's this fat lady with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0pyq2/do_all_three_and_get_the_money/
%
To the person who lost their iPhone 11...

Please stop calling my new phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0pvel/to_the_person_who_lost_their_iphone_11/
%
I went on a spirit journey, and learned my ancestral guide is Optimus Prime.

It was an Autobot-y experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0pv60/i_went_on_a_spirit_journey_and_learned_my/
%
A suicide bombers last day on the job...

is also his best day on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ptuo/a_suicide_bombers_last_day_on_the_job/
%
Guess who has two thumbs...

And a box of other miscellaneous body parts? This guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ptk0/guess_who_has_two_thumbs/
%
What’s the difference between an epileptic clam shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?

The clam shucker shucks between fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0pfnr/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_clam/
%
The world tongue twister just got arrested by the police.

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0pce2/the_world_tongue_twister_just_got_arrested_by_the/
%
My Korean friend just died

He was so yung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0p72b/my_korean_friend_just_died/
%
Hans, Is That You?

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI. In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0p6zp/hans_is_that_you/
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If you smoke weed, you get High. If you read books, you get Educated.

If you do both, you get Highly Educated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0p4u6/if_you_smoke_weed_you_get_high_if_you_read_books/
%
I like my r/Jokes how I like my coffee

The same damn thing every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0p3xs/i_like_my_rjokes_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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A fisherman walks into r/jokes...

A fisherman walks into r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing.
The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod."
"Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before."
"No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman.
The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC.
The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish."
"Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want r/prequelmemes down the street".
"No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'.
"Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time".
"No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes."
The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?"
The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?"
The fisherman nods.
The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense.
He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?"
The fisherman says "I can't answer that here".
The bartender asks "Why not?"
The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0owpl/a_fisherman_walks_into_rjokes/
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Dropped some rice in water

so I put it in a bag of cellphones to dry out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ovhq/dropped_some_rice_in_water/
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It turns out that I’m related to the man who invented the globe.

It’s a small world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0osn1/it_turns_out_that_im_related_to_the_man_who/
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Tweet: "There are flat earthers all around the globe"

Posted by: Flat Earth Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0osc5/tweet_there_are_flat_earthers_all_around_the_globe/
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There's this blonde.

She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.
The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.
She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane"
The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"
So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened. so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.
She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".
So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on. He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear. The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane.
They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her. The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else. I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0oo1k/theres_this_blonde/
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Karen & Marcy go shopping & Karen stops to smell candles at a local booth. Karen: This smells like fireball.

Marcy:  You know, sober people call that smell....cinnamon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0oej3/karen_marcy_go_shopping_karen_stops_to_smell/
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During my first prostate exam, I've grabbed the doctor's penis

\-What the hell are you doing!?
Asked the doctor, to wich I answered:
\-Making sure it's really your finger that you use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0o3ow/during_my_first_prostate_exam_ive_grabbed_the/
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A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell her that she must bang you to go to heaven, you are set to go”. Excited, the man goes out And buys the best God costume in the country.Later that night, dressed as God, the man tiptoes into the cemetery and sees the nun praying.Having recited his lines, he goes to the nun and says, “if you want to go to heaven, we must bang”. To his surprise, the nun agreed and they proceeded to have rough anal sex. After he finished, he threw off his God costume and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The Man from the bus!”
The nun threw off its clothes and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The bus driver!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ntbu/a_guy_is_on_the_bus_and_sees_a_beautiful_nun/
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I misunderstood the "Gender Reveal party"

I'm the only naked one here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0npln/i_misunderstood_the_gender_reveal_party/
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Hey girl do you work at the DMV?

Because it feels like you're gonna make me wait forever for something that'll only take 5 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0nh1i/hey_girl_do_you_work_at_the_dmv/
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The 3 unwritten rules of life.

1)
2)
3)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ngi9/the_3_unwritten_rules_of_life/
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When I was 3, I had a pet snail.

I always wondered why it was so slow. After a while I figured "maybe it's that shell of his"
So I removed it, but it didn't make him any faster.
He became really sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0nelf/when_i_was_3_i_had_a_pet_snail/
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A blonde, brunette, and red head are running from the cops...

They jump into a train car and hide in 3 sacks.
The cops come up and hit the first sack.
“Woof woof”, goes the brunette.  “Oh, it’s just a dog”, the cops say.
The cops then hit the second sack. “Meow”, goes the redhead. “A cat”, the cops agree.
The cops get to the third sack and after one hard swack, the blonde goes......
Pooooooootaaaaaaaaaatoooooooooooe
This was my joke from when I was 6 ☺️

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0nc8r/a_blonde_brunette_and_red_head_are_running_from/
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Paddy phones Ryanair to book a flight:

Operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?
Paddy replies, "How the fuck do I know?, It's your plane!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0nanw/paddy_phones_ryanair_to_book_a_flight/
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Three cannibals were invited to a party

One was an hour late and all he got was the cold shoulder.  The other two each had a ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0n74n/three_cannibals_were_invited_to_a_party/
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A woman buys a picture frame from the Hardware Store.

The store man says, would you like a screw for that?
She replies, "No, but I'd suck your cock for a Lawnmower!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0n5tk/a_woman_buys_a_picture_frame_from_the_hardware/
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What has 9 arms and kicks ass???

Def Leppard!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0n2vd/what_has_9_arms_and_kicks_ass/
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.
(I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0n0ym/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
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I told a joke during tech sound setup: "There were two European tourists walking down the street. One was from Budapest."

"There was a Czech one, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0mws0/i_told_a_joke_during_tech_sound_setup_there_were/
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Phonetical jokes

A lady comes to the dry cleaners with a shirt to be cleaned.
When she tells the worker what she needs, he says: ''Come again?''
She responds: ''No, It's mayonnaise today.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0mp1v/phonetical_jokes/
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Two hunters are walking through the woods when they stumble upon a large hole in the ground.

The first hunter says to the other, "That looks really deep.  I can't even see the bottom.  I wonder how far it goes."
To find out how deep it really is, the hunters toss some nearby pebbles into the hole and try to listen for when the pebbles hit the bottom.  None of the pebbles make a sound so the second hunter suggests that they try dropping something heavier into the hole.
The hunters find an old, rusty anvil, carry it over, and drop it into the hole.  There's still no sound.
Suddenly a goat comes running through the woods toward the hunters at an incredible speed.  Terrified and amazed, the hunters run away and seek safety.  They come across a farm where they're approached by a farmer who asks, "Say there, you guys didn't happen to see my goat around here, did you?"
"It's funny that you should ask about a goat," replies the first hunter.  "We saw one charging at us a few minutes ago in the woods.  It was going really fast.  Could it have been yours?"
"Impossible," says the farmer.  "I chained my goat to an anvil."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0mcr7/two_hunters_are_walking_through_the_woods_when/
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting

I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0lrms/a_vegan_said_to_me_that_people_who_sell_meat_are/
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What did kim jong un text his girlfriend?

Send nukes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ll1z/what_did_kim_jong_un_text_his_girlfriend/
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I was sitting at a bar beside this old guy..

After a few drinks the old guy leans over to me and says,"I fucked your mother"
I ignored him
A couple more drinks he leans back over and says, " Your mother blew me"
I kept my cool and ignored him again
A couple more drinks and he leans over and says, " I fucked your mom in her ass"
Finally I lost it and yelled, "Go home dad your drunk!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0lf4s/i_was_sitting_at_a_bar_beside_this_old_guy/
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A white woman, an asian woman, and a black woman are seated next to each other on a plane...

The pilot announces that they've lost the engines and instructs the passengers to prepare for a crash landing.  Panic erupts on the plane as it begins to rapidly descend.  The white lady quickly gets out her purse and starts touching up her make-up.  The other two women asked 'What are you doing?' to which she replied 'If we survive the crash, the rescuers will see my beauty and save me first.'   Then the asian woman gets an idea.  She unbuttons her blouse and removes her bra.  The other two women asked her what she was doing, to which she replied 'If we survive the crash, the rescuers will see my bare breasts and want to save me first.'  Finally, the black woman removes her skirt and panties, and opens her legs.  The other two women ask 'What are you doing?'  to which she replies 'Fools, everyone knows the first thing they be looking for is that little black box!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0l3g1/a_white_woman_an_asian_woman_and_a_black_woman/
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Be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving & Christmas around the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0l18s/be_extra_careful_on_the_roads_with_thanksgiving/
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A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner.

He and his wife won't tell their kids what they're eating, but they tell them a clue: "We're eating what your mommy calls me."
Their little girl then screams and shouts to her brother, "DON'T EAT IT! IT'S AN ASSHOLE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0kz32/a_man_kills_a_deer_and_brings_it_home_for_dinner/
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Three gay men take a private airplane for a flight and it crashes.

When their bodies were recovered and cremated the husbands of the men talked about what they were going to do with the ashes.
Husband 1-I'm going to sprinkle my husband's ashes off the dock at our cottage, it was his favourite place.
Husband 2-I'm going to bring his ashes to his hometown and have them buried.
Husband 3-I'm going to go to the store and get the ingredients for my spicy chili recipe, and mix his ashes in with it so my husband can destroy my asshole one last time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ku09/three_gay_men_take_a_private_airplane_for_a/
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Transgender man competes in world's smallest dick competiton

didn't stop me from winning, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0khdf/transgender_man_competes_in_worlds_smallest_dick/
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After the helicopter crash, the blonde pilot was asked what happened...

She replied, “It was getting chilly in there, so I turned off the fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0kf5z/after_the_helicopter_crash_the_blonde_pilot_was/
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I read in the newspaper today that a dwarf had been pick-pocketed

...I thought to myself - "How could anyone stoop so low?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0jqw6/i_read_in_the_newspaper_today_that_a_dwarf_had/
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I once fucked a girl with one leg

Should've used my cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0jntk/i_once_fucked_a_girl_with_one_leg/
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The impossible Whopper isn't really anything new

Burger King never used real meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0jkoj/the_impossible_whopper_isnt_really_anything_new/
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A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says: You know, you are in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?
The horse says: I don't think I am... **and promptly vanishes from existence.**
You see this is a joke about Decartes' famous line from philosophy "I think, therefore I am"
But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0jj48/a_horse_goes_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_pint/
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Job interview

At a recent job interview:
"What's your name?"
"Dave Fucking Cunting Smith"
"Do you suffer from Tourette's Dave"
"No. But the Vicar at the Christening did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0jfpl/job_interview/
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A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.
The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.
The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night.
In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.
The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.
And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0jc3v/a_perfectly_triangular_lake_has_3_kingdoms_on_its/
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God: whoever kills Hitler gets a free pass into heaven

Hitler: hold my beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0j94x/god_whoever_kills_hitler_gets_a_free_pass_into/
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I can't stand the people I work with. They're all narcissistic and have superiority complexes.

I mean, I know I'm better than all of those assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0j2r5/i_cant_stand_the_people_i_work_with_theyre_all/
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Never trust a man wearing a hat.

They’re always trying to cover something up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0j0bo/never_trust_a_man_wearing_a_hat/
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Why did Logan Paul not high five Ricegum?

Cause he likes to leave asians hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0iwc3/why_did_logan_paul_not_high_five_ricegum/
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Where do Aussies keep their drug stash?

Out back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0im1e/where_do_aussies_keep_their_drug_stash/
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I run a dating service for lower income areas in The UK

It's how I make ends meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ijk2/i_run_a_dating_service_for_lower_income_areas_in/
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My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.

It’s forever burned in her mammary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0iigo/my_wife_will_never_forget_falling_asleep_in_the/
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A woman goes into labor with her child.....

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father.
He asks if it's okay to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain of the father to 10%.
The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing.
They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%.
The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, and find the milkman dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0if2g/a_woman_goes_into_labor_with_her_child/
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With Ford v Ferrari being so successful

Chevy has decided to come out with their own movie. Total Recall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0id54/with_ford_v_ferrari_being_so_successful/
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Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing....

Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning.
Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says "I'd like some damn cheerios!"
The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says "well what about you?"
He says "well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0i6j5/two_young_brothers_decide_its_time_they_start/
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How can you name a cautious wolf?

Aware wolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0i2vq/how_can_you_name_a_cautious_wolf/
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Oh, the Grand old Duke of York, he had ten thousand friends...

...but one of them was a paedophile so he had no friends again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0i1sp/oh_the_grand_old_duke_of_york_he_had_ten_thousand/
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What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?

Most Americans don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0hvrf/what_do_affordable_healthcare_and_sarcasm_have_in/
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What's the best part about a glass of milk?

The milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0hjow/whats_the_best_part_about_a_glass_of_milk/
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I was planning on taking leftovers home from the party.

All my plans were foiled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0hi0s/i_was_planning_on_taking_leftovers_home_from_the/
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Vegan thanksgiving

On thanksgiving, what did the vegan tell the child when they were about to stomp on a bug?
You butternut squash that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0hcpn/vegan_thanksgiving/
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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0hclo/my_wife_has_this_weird_ocd_where_she_arranges/
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One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0h9tp/one_day_a_wife_came_home_early_and_found_her/
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I went to a concert to feel better today

I thought it was The Cure, but it turned out to be just Placebo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0h72r/i_went_to_a_concert_to_feel_better_today/
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What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0h4vv/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_cows_masturbating/
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Roses are red

,
That bit is true,
But violets are violet,
Not fucking blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0gzix/roses_are_red/
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The past, the present and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0gxum/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
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Where do Muslims shop?

Halaldi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0gq9j/where_do_muslims_shop/
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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”
“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0gj9f/i_cant_believe_that_youve_been_visiting/
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I don't get all this hate and sarcasm against the cybertruck.

Slap a minigun on its back, and it's Halo irl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0gcq2/i_dont_get_all_this_hate_and_sarcasm_against_the/
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I’ve just asked my missus if I’m the only one she’s slept with.

She said ‘Yes. All the others were nine and tens’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0gbz9/ive_just_asked_my_missus_if_im_the_only_one_shes/
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What's the good thing with jokes about the brexit?

They will be still relevant in a decade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0g54s/whats_the_good_thing_with_jokes_about_the_brexit/
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Donald and Vladimir take a vacation.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin take a trip to Brokeback Mountain.
The two decide it's best for Putin to drive.
Half way up the sketchy mountain, Trump spots a donkey with it's head stuck in a fence.
"We need to do something!", Trump exclaims uncharacteristically.
"Ah yiss", Vladimir agrees as he pulls the RV off to the side of the road.
Putin hops out of the recreational vehicle, unzipping his slacks as he makes his way to the distressed donkey.  And, oh, does he *make his way* to the distressed donkey.
Satisfied, Putin pulls back and takes a deep breath of fresh mountain air.
"That wuz wonderful, Donald you vill love it!"
Donald, knowing it's his time to shine, excitedly rubs his tiny hands together, walks up beside the donkey..
And shoves his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0g3zc/donald_and_vladimir_take_a_vacation/
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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.
Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.
Bartender: Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?
Pirate: We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...
Bartender: What about that eye patch?
Pirate: Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.
Bartender: You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?
Pirate: It was my first day with the hook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ffto/a_pirate_walked_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender_said/
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I apologize for offending you when I called you stupid.

I thought you already knew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0fdup/i_apologize_for_offending_you_when_i_called_you/
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Judas: You still on for Friday?

Jesus: Friday?
Judas: Yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0fdqf/judas_you_still_on_for_friday/
%
It should be called massturbation

because we all do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0fcnj/it_should_be_called_massturbation/
%
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist

"Give me all your money or you're Geography!"
'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0fa9b/a_robber_walks_into_a_bank_and_points_the_gun_at/
%
I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. He's from another nation.

My imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ewq2/im_in_a_long_distance_relationship_with_my/
%
Instead of singing Auld Lang Syne this New Year's

We should all sing "I Can See Clearly Now."
Because everyone will have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0eouj/instead_of_singing_auld_lang_syne_this_new_years/
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NSFW Toy Story Joke

What did Bo Peep say when Buzz walked in on her and Woody having sex?
You've got a friend in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0elyi/nsfw_toy_story_joke/
%
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."

That was the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0dzd2/two_drunk_guys_were_about_to_get_into_a_fight_one/
%
As a black guy, I like my women how I like my eggs

Large, white and from Walmart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0dxfz/as_a_black_guy_i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_eggs/
%
I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never come for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0dmo6/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
I called the hotel front desk, livid.

“There’s semen on the comforter!” I yelled
“I’m sorry sir, I don’t know what to say except I’ll have house keeping up there immediately”
When housekeeping arrived, they were extremely apologetic.
“I’m so sorry sir, I don’t know how this happened.”
I said “Please just get it out of here. Happens every time I masturbate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0dijm/i_called_the_hotel_front_desk_livid/
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From my late Polish grandpa

A man moved to a Polish neighborhood in Chicago, and fell in love with the community because everyone was so nice, happy and good looking.
Upon his next doctor’s visit, he asked, “Doctor, how do I become Polish? Everyone is so nice, happy and good looking.”
“Easy!” his doctor responded, “We just need to remove half of your brain.”
So the man agrees to the operation. Upon waking up in the recovery room, the doctor was there to deliver some troubling news.
“I’m sorry sir, there was a mistake. We’ve accidentally taken 3/4 of your brain instead of half.”
The man responded, “Mama Mia! What’s thata makea mia now?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0dh5j/from_my_late_polish_grandpa/
%
Two Marines walk into a bar in Louisiana...

They see a guy with nice boots. Really nice boots. They ask the guy about them and he says they're alligator boots. They accept this and keep drinking. The Marines leave. The guy with the boots eventually leaves and as he's driving he sees their  truck. He stops and looks for them. As he walks into the swamp he sees a pile of dead gators and a Marine next to them. The other guy is waist deep in the swamp. "What are yall doing" he yells at the man on the beach. Shosh says the Marine. The guy in the swamp grabs ahold  of a gater and throws it on the beach . The other guy grabs the gator by the feet and yells, "nope this one dont have no boots either".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0dc82/two_marines_walk_into_a_bar_in_louisiana/
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After the penis said the secret password, what did the bladder say to him?

Urine.
(NSFW because penis)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0d71w/after_the_penis_said_the_secret_password_what_did/
%
I don't like stairs.

They're always up to something. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0d3kl/i_dont_like_stairs/
%
Cop: you are arrested for downloading the entire wikepedia

Me: wait, I can explain everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0d1cs/cop_you_are_arrested_for_downloading_the_entire/
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Jerry Sandusky Penn State molestation charges affirmed in Court today.

Will there be a book?
"From Penn State to State Pen: The Jerry Sandusky Story."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0cn3d/jerry_sandusky_penn_state_molestation_charges/
%
My favorite electric car is still

Lightning McQueen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ckmj/my_favorite_electric_car_is_still/
%
What does a nuclear reactor and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0cb1e/what_does_a_nuclear_reactor_and_your_mom_have_in/
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I HATE THE SECOND LETTER OF THE ALPHABET SO MUCH THAT I AM PROTESTING!!

Say it with me!
BOOOOOOO Bs!
BOOOOOOO Bs!
BOOOOOOO Bs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0ca75/i_hate_the_second_letter_of_the_alphabet_so_much/
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Why did Alabama raise its drinking age to 34?

They wanted to keep alcohol away from highschools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0c8g2/why_did_alabama_raise_its_drinking_age_to_34/
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Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..

Put in my too-weak notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0c6um/had_to_quit_working_at_the_gym_because_i_got_too/
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My wife and I share a sense of humor...

We have to. She doesn’t have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0bven/my_wife_and_i_share_a_sense_of_humor/
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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC

Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”.
“Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0bq9x/a_driver_was_stuck_in_a_traffic_jam_on_the/
%
What do you call a black astronaut?

>!An astronaut, you fucking racist.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0bph4/what_do_you_call_a_black_astronaut/
%
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0bm7n/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeves/
%
Fall in love with your problems

Then they can leave you too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0bj3y/fall_in_love_with_your_problems/
%
Why can the Tesla cybertruck go faster than a Porsche 911?

It renders faster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0bdsi/why_can_the_tesla_cybertruck_go_faster_than_a/
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Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0bddi/yesterday_one_of_my_good_friends_told_me_i_often/
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I had to leave for Iraq 2 months before my wife was due

We decided to keep the gender a surprise, but me and my wife had a strong feeling that after our two boys this one was going to be a girl. We had agreed to name her Jane after my wife's Godmother.
It was then that I received my posting for Iraq. A week before she was due, I wrote back to my wife. "We should have thought of a boy's name. Just in case?". I didn't hear from her until after the delivery.
"It's a boy. Good you thought of a name. We named him Justin. Justin Case.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0b8vh/i_had_to_leave_for_iraq_2_months_before_my_wife/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl take a piss

Because the "p" is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0b65i/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_take_a_piss/
%
I never shower before church.

I like to sit in my own pew.
Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0azrr/i_never_shower_before_church/
%
What do you call a rafting guide without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0axhb/what_do_you_call_a_rafting_guide_without_a/
%
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0awyi/i_went_to_test_my_new_gun_at_the_range_but/
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My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type...

As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0awm1/my_dad_died_when_we_couldnt_remember_his_blood/
%
What is round and angry?

A vicious circle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0as4i/what_is_round_and_angry/
%
I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis.

So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0aks0/i_set_up_an_internet_page_for_chinese_nazis/
%
Last night, a guy offered to pay me for sex

I was whoreified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0abe7/last_night_a_guy_offered_to_pay_me_for_sex/
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A crying women walks up to man selling fruit on the street,

Man: Hey what’s wrong?
Women: My boyfriend and I tried to run away and get married but we were caught by my parents. My parents wanted a big formal but we don’t want to do that.
Man: Oh I’m so sorry, can I offer you some fruit on the house?
Women: Oh thank you, I would love some. What do you have?
Man: Cantaloupe
Women: OHH GAAWD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0a655/a_crying_women_walks_up_to_man_selling_fruit_on/
%
If Dodge made an electric car...

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0a50l/if_dodge_made_an_electric_car/
%
Two sausages in a frying pan

One says, wow it’s hot in here! The other looks over and says, oh my god! A talking sausage!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0a1g2/two_sausages_in_a_frying_pan/
%
A man calls his lawyer.

Man: "I need your help. My wife noticed something on my penis and suggested I call you."
Lawyer: "I think you meant to call your doctor."
Man: "It was my secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e09tzd/a_man_calls_his_lawyer/
%
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger

then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e09swd/i_wondered_why_the_frisbee_was_getting_bigger/
%
"Don't worry," said the pilot. "This isn't my first day..."

"It's my last."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e09aj4/dont_worry_said_the_pilot_this_isnt_my_first_day/
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A man saves up for years to take his dream vacation

to a small island in the South Pacific. When he finally gets there, the sound of drums fills the air, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata. The man asks the porter carrying his bags, "What's up with the drums? Is it a festival or something?" The porter gets a serious look on his face and says, "If the drums stop,it will be very bad, very bad," and refuses to say any more about it.
Over the next few days the man is enjoying his vacation...and the drums are still playing, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata, non stop, 24 hours a day. Every time the man asks about the drums, he gets the same response - a fearful look and, "If the drums stop it will be very bad, very bad." The man is having trouble sleeping because the drums just - won't - stop.
Finally the man has had enough, and asks the hotel manager about the drums.  When the manager starts on the usual response, the man cuts him off, "Yes, I know, I know! If the drums stop it will be very bad! Well, what would be so bad? What would happen if the drums stopped?"
The manager get a pained look, leans close and whispers, "When the drums stop, then comes the bass solo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e094xj/a_man_saves_up_for_years_to_take_his_dream/
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I'm addicted to placebos

I could quit, but it wouldn't make a difference
-Steven Wright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0948o/im_addicted_to_placebos/
%
If i had a USD for every time that communism had worked

I'd get a Chinese Yuan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e090ka/if_i_had_a_usd_for_every_time_that_communism_had/
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Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way. He just ran out of thyme. Here today, gone tomato. His wife is still upset, cheese still not over it. We never sausage a tragedy coming. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There’s just not mushroom for Italian chefs in today’s world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e08z32/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_who_died/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forward, they’d fall into the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e08ubv/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_into_the_water/
%
If you party while you're angry

You're raving mad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e08gk0/if_you_party_while_youre_angry/
%
The existence of casual sex infers the existence of competitive sex, and since none of you have competed

You're all fucking casuals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e08f31/the_existence_of_casual_sex_infers_the_existence/
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You’re the bomb

In america, a compliment
In the middle east its an argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e08exi/youre_the_bomb/
%
A man is a millionaire from buying metal rods and reselling them

His friend asks "how do you buy them for so cheap allowing you to make 7 figure salary?"
The man replies "I'm just good at bar gaining"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0865x/a_man_is_a_millionaire_from_buying_metal_rods_and/
%
What did Palpatine say to the intern when they asked how many pizzas they needed for his birthday party?

"Order 66!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e083xz/what_did_palpatine_say_to_the_intern_when_they/
%
There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with - what do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e07xqm/there_are_three_guys_on_a_boat_and_they_have_four/
%
Kids think us elders are so out of touch.

My daughter walked in on me flossing.
"Dad. What are you doing? That's not cool"
"This is the easiest way for me to dry the bit between balls and my asshole,"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e07vd2/kids_think_us_elders_are_so_out_of_touch/
%
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another one.
The bartender says: "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martini's all night long - but you got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I will know it's time to go home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e07s02/a_businessman_enters_a_tavern_sits_down_at_the/
%
A buddy once asked me if I've ever stuck it in her

...you know, "other hole".
I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e07k5u/a_buddy_once_asked_me_if_ive_ever_stuck_it_in_her/
%
Why did the monk shit coins..

Cause change comes from the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e07d8d/why_did_the_monk_shit_coins/
%
Two men heard kids shouting 13

Two men were walking down the sidewalk, heading home. They then heard the shouting of kids saying "Yeah, 13! 13!” Celebrating 13.
One of the men walking down the road asks, "What's going on over there? "
The other man sees a small hole in a wooden fence, and replies "I don't know, I'm going to take a look "
The man bends down to look through the hole, then a kid jabs a stick through the hole poking his eye.
The kids then start to shout "14! 14! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e07axo/two_men_heard_kids_shouting_13/
%
A mother asked her two son what they would like for breakfast

The first brother says I would like some damn Cheerios
The mother absolutely horrified slapped her son and said never do that again.
The mother then ask the second brother what he would like for breakfast
He said I sure as fuck don’t want Cheerios

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e075vg/a_mother_asked_her_two_son_what_they_would_like/
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Dad, what was the best birthday gift mom ever gave you?

\- It was you, my son.
\- But dad I wasn't born on your birthday, my birthday is exactly 3 months before yours.
\- Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e06y6z/dad_what_was_the_best_birthday_gift_mom_ever_gave/
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What do you call the person who finishes last in medical school?

Doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e06t05/what_do_you_call_the_person_who_finishes_last_in/
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Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?

Vowel-halla

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e06q73/where_do_viking_warrior_scrabble_champions_go/
%
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said

"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e06c49/a_man_approached_a_very_beautiful_woman_in_the/
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What did the dog say when it ran into the tree?

Ruff Bark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e05zki/what_did_the_dog_say_when_it_ran_into_the_tree/
%
I was in a job interview today

When the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e05y3n/i_was_in_a_job_interview_today/
%
how many apple employees does it take to replace your broken screen?

none. "you need to buy our new model which will cost you ONLY $999"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e05qjp/how_many_apple_employees_does_it_take_to_replace/
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I love my six pack so much,

I protect it with a layer of fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e05eku/i_love_my_six_pack_so_much/
%
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e05afp/my_grandpa_started_walking_five_miles_a_day_when/
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Picked up a hitch hiker

***I pulled this on my boss last week. Luckily he is cool so I knew he wouldn't fire me or send me home.
The joke is way better in person and gets a huge laugh if told straight faced like a story that happened to you. Make sure you say the ending with plenty of gusto.
Here's how it goes. ***
I picked up a hitch hiker the other day. I guess you could say she was a bag lady. She wasn't dressed very well and smelled a bit. She had this bag that she held close to her the whole time she was in my truck. I kept wondering what it was but she didn't seem too friendly so I was thinking I'd better not ask.
After a while I was able to get a little small talk out of her and finally my curiosity got the best of me. I said "whatcha got in the bag?" and in a blink of an eye she snapped.
"NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!!"
I was shocked and a bit angered but we continued on for about another 20 minutes before we got to where she wanted  me to drop her off.
The funny thing was, after traveling for another 30 minutes or so I looked down on the floor and noticed she had forgotten her bag in my truck.
***My bos says "what was in the bag?"
I shouted in a crazed voice***
"NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0596l/picked_up_a_hitch_hiker/
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Sunnyvale Farms - PEACHES ANY FLAVOR (long)

A traveling salesman was driving into a new town and prospect, when he passes a sign that says “ Sunnyvale Farms! Peaches, any flavor”. Upon reading the sign, he thinks to himself “These rednecks are some seriously dumb folks. A peach is a peach! What’s that “any flavor” BS about?
So, over the next few days as he commutes into and out of town, back and forth from his hotel or when he goes out to eat – he keeps seeing that darn sign.
Finally, after seeing and reading this sign for three days, curiosity gets that best of him and he decides to go and check the place out.
When he arrives at Sunnyvale Farms, he sees a fruit stand out front, with nothing but peaches. Oh! I get it, he thinks – all they have is peaches and this is just a gimmick.
He gets out of his car and walks up to the fruit stand, and says to the man behind the fruit “Hi, I’ve been seeing your sign the past couple of days. Is it true that you have peaches in any flavor?”
“Uh-huh. Yup, we sure do!” the farmer said
“Really? Well I say bullshit! A peach is a peach!”
“Nope, it’s all real!” says the farmer.
“Okay, gimme a peach that taste like chocolate!”
So, the farmer reaches down into a basket and hands the salesman a peach. The salesman takes a bite and DAMN if it doesn’t take like chocolate. “Wow!” he exclaims “That is some good chocolate!”
“Yup! I know” says the farmer
“Ok, gimme a peach that taste like a strawberry!”
Farmer digs into another basket and hands over another peach “Here ya go!”
Salesman bites into it, and sure enough – it tastes like a strawberry. “Shit! How do you do this?”
“It’s a secret”
“Ok. I got you now. I bet you don’t have a peach that tastes like peanut butter and jelly!”
“Sure do. Here ya go! Try this one!”
Salesman bites into the new peach and damned if he does not taste the peanut butter. “I taste the peanut butter, but where’s the jelly?”
“Turn it around!”
Salesman does and takes another bite and YES, there’s the jelly! “This is incredible! I don’t know how you do it, but this is amazing”
After some silence, the salesman looks around to make sure no one else is around – then says to the farmer “I bet you don’t have one that taste like pussy!”
The farmer winks at him, grabs another peach and hands it over with a grin on his face.
The salesman takes a bite. Screams in disgust and spits it out. “What the fuck? This one taste like SHIT!”
Farmer says… “TURN IT AROUND!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e057pe/sunnyvale_farms_peaches_any_flavor_long/
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My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't.
She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e052k0/my_wife_said_if_this_post_gets_2000_upvotes_shell/
%
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e04wo9/reporter_excuse_me_may_i_interview_you/
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is it lonely in here?

or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e04m2f/is_it_lonely_in_here/
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What do you call a tattoo artist that accepts nudes as payment?

Tit-for-tatt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e04ive/what_do_you_call_a_tattoo_artist_that_accepts/
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So I asked my North Korean friend how his life was going.

He said "can't complain".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e04i44/so_i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_his_life/
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Doctor : (Hands me my newborn baby) So sorry but your wife didn't make it...

Me : (Hands the baby back) Well bring me the one she made then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e04cbu/doctor_hands_me_my_newborn_baby_so_sorry_but_your/
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I was sat opposite a beautiful Thai lady on the train today.

All I could think was, "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."
But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e04aoa/i_was_sat_opposite_a_beautiful_thai_lady_on_the/
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Johnny wakes up one morning and walks into his parents bedroom only to find them having sex.

Dad notices Johnny and shots him a grin and a wink.
The next day, Dad comes home from work to find Johnny and Grandma going at in the living room. Dad walks in and screams "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"
Johnny looks up at Dad and says, "It's not so funny when it's your mom, huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0494y/johnny_wakes_up_one_morning_and_walks_into_his/
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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself
“Fuck, I missed...”
The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says
“Young man! Please do not use such awful language. The Lord is watching!”
The sailor apologises, and the two continue playing. The sailor takes another shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as the ball goes flying straight into a pond. The sailor says to himself
“Fucking shit, I missed again!”
The priest turns round again, angry.
“Young man, I should to cleanse your mouth with Holy Water! Do not speak these terrible words, or the Lord will punish you!”
The sailor apologises again. They continue playing. The sailor takes yet another shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as (unsurprisingly) the ball goes flying hundreds of meters away and disappears down a rabbit hole.
“Shit! God fucking dammit, I missed AGAIN!”
The priest has had enough. He turns around and shouts
“ALRIGHT. THAT DOES IT. YOU DARE USE THE LORDS NAME IN VAIN?! YOU SHALL NOW SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE HEAVENS!!!
Right on cue, the sky begins to crackle and glow. Thunder booms. Suddenly, a huge lightning bolt shoots down from the clouds towards the golf course...
...and hits the priest, blowing him to pieces.
A giant voice from the sky booms
“AH, WHAT THE SHIT?! I FUCKING MISSED!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e0484m/a_sailor_and_a_priest_are_playing_golf/
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A Taliban terrorist, desperate for water

, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail, little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack, selling ties. The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water.
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!" "Okay," said the little old Jewish man, It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace." Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e045ix/a_taliban_terrorist_desperate_for_water/
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Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.
The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr., Louis & Clarence). Robert Jr. and Louis were in their late twenties and intelligent beyond their years. They were primed to lead the family when the time came. Clarence wasn’t as smart or successful as his older brothers, but he strived to prove everyone wrong. He wanted to help lead this family into the future alongside his brothers.
Linda and Robert tasked the three brothers with purchasing three more companies to put under the family umbrella. They each had a budget of $50 million and set out on their own paths to make their parents proud. They were given 7 days to acquire their respective businesses.
Clarence ran out of the room as fast as he could, jumped in his Porsche and took off. He already had a place in mind. He heard about a massive new Waste Disposal company that just moved into town last year. They were known for their environmentally friendly practices and the company was already  profitable. It was perfect.
After 7 days, a family meeting was held where each of the brothers were to present and introduce their newest acquisitions. Robert Jr. insisted he go first. He proudly stated, “Mother, father, I’ve taken an up-and-coming lumber yard, as you can see on my chest. It’s called Alpha Lumber.” He points to his left chest and shows off his new polo shirt with the Alpha Lumber logo beautifully showcased. Louis insisted he presented next, “Nicely done, brother,” he says, “but it’s not as promising as mine. Mother, father, I’ve taken a software and technology company, as you can see on my chest. It’s called GigaBite and is projected to rival Microsoft within the decade.” He points to his own chest, revealing the new GigaBite logo.
Clarence, eager to prove himself nearly cut his brother off so he could take the floor. He began,
“Mother, father, I’ve taken a massive dump, as you can see on my chest...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e045e4/bored_at_work_so_i_wrote_my_first_joke_its/
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During the French Revolution, the commoners were busy executing the elite and bourgeoisie by beheading them.

They dragged a lawyer up on the guillotine, but as the blade dropped toward his neck, it inexplicably stopped. That was taken as a sign from God to spare his life and he was freed.
Then they brought a wealthy merchant up for execution, but again the blade stopped just short and he, too, was freed.
An engineer was then dragged up to the guillotine and laid in position. He looked up at the huge blade suspended above him and said, “Oh I see the problem!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e03omt/during_the_french_revolution_the_commoners_were/
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At kindergarten. Teacher: What new sounds you heard at the farm today? Kid 1: Moo. Kid 2: Oink. Kid 3: Quack...

Kid 4: get the fuck off my truck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e03h7v/at_kindergarten_teacher_what_new_sounds_you_heard/
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What do you call a pony with a sore throat

A little hoarse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e039yt/what_do_you_call_a_pony_with_a_sore_throat/
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Whats another name for a canadian bank?

A Loonie Bin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e039jv/whats_another_name_for_a_canadian_bank/
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Today is no joke day.

Looking through this thread, everyone is
adhering to it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e032ye/today_is_no_joke_day/
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A man is sitting in a bar looking sad....

(friend of mine told me this forever ago. I'm sure its been posted here before)
The bartender asks, “Why you so down?”
Man replies, “Well, no girls will talk to me because I have this wooden eye and it freaks them out.”
Bartender thinks for a moment, “See that cute girl sitting at the end of the bar? She used to be a professional dancer until a car accident took part of her leg and has a prosthetic. She still loves to dance but no one ever asks. Send her a drink.“
The man agrees and sends her a drink.
She smiles at him and waves him over.
The man nervously approaches her and says, “I hear you like to dance?”
She excitedly responds, “Would I!? Would I?!”
The man yells back “PEG LEG! PEG LEG!” and storms out of the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e031i3/a_man_is_sitting_in_a_bar_looking_sad/
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Did you heard about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e02u4v/did_you_heard_about_the_italian_chef_who_died/
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A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e02qxy/a_5th_grader_from_alabama_and_a_5th_grader_from/
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How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?

He cuts holes in his pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e02n3n/how_does_a_bald_man_run_his_fingers_through_his/
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What do they call voter manipulation in China?

Gerrymandarin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e02me4/what_do_they_call_voter_manipulation_in_china/
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A man was at his friend's funeral and asked the wife if he could say a word. She agreed. The man stood at the podium and said, "Plethora."

As he sat back down the wife said, "Thanks, that means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e02hu9/a_man_was_at_his_friends_funeral_and_asked_the/
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Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." My husband said,
"Screw him, give him a dollar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e02fz6/wife_cheats_on_her_husband_with_the_mailman/
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How do you tell the difference between ravens and crows.

The long straight tail feathers on these birds are called pinions. Crows are known to have 7 pinions, while ravens have 8. So the difference between a raven and a crow is a matter of a pinion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e02dnl/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_ravens_and/
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You matter.

If Einstein is to be believed, then it also means you energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e02a3v/you_matter/
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“Can you please change my grade?”

“Of course,” Tom remarked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e027qx/can_you_please_change_my_grade/
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The stutterer

So a guy with a stutter wants to ask his girlfriend to marry him. However, every time he tries, he gets nervous and stutters so badly he can barely get a word out. So he goes to a friend and asks for advice.
The friend says, "Here's what you do. Instead of coming right out and asking her, ask in a roundabout way. That way you won't get nervous."
"T-t-that's a g-g-good idea!" says the guy.
The next day the friends see each other. The stutterer has a black eye and a broken nose.
"What the hell happened?" asks the friend.
"W-w-well, I t-t-tried your advice. W-w-we were sitting on the c-c-couch, and t-t-the cat was in front of us, w-w-washing his face with his p-p-paw."
"And I s-s-said, 'Y-y-you know, if w-w-we were m-m-married, y-y-you could d-d-do that t-t-to me!"
"That's perfect!" says the friend. "That's exactly what I meant. What happened?"
"W-w-well, b-b-by the t-t-time I g-g-got it out, t-t-the cat w-w-was licking his balls!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e025ux/the_stutterer/
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Why did the physics teacher only allow 3 VIPs to his party?

Because he only wanted 3 significant figures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e01v2s/why_did_the_physics_teacher_only_allow_3_vips_to/
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HIM: You're one-in-a-million!

HER: Aw, that's sweet!
HIM: Yup, there are only about seven thousand, seven hundred people in the WHOLE WORLD that I'd find more attractive than you.
HER: [Death Stare]
HIM: What? Mathematically speaking, they mean the same thing.
HER: Mathematically speaking, what do you think your chances are of getting laid tonight?
HIM: One-in-a-million.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e01u4v/him_youre_oneinamillion/
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Dying me and popcorn.

[about to get the electric chair]
executioner: why would you choose this as your last meal
me: [eating another spoon full of unpopped popcorn kernels]                you'll see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e01snm/dying_me_and_popcorn/
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My stoned friend used my daily planner to roll a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of priorities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e01r27/my_stoned_friend_used_my_daily_planner_to_roll_a/
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What’s 12 inches long, rock hard, full of semen and makes all the girls scream?

The crusty sock under my bed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e01olu/whats_12_inches_long_rock_hard_full_of_semen_and/
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My best friend told me he’s been dating a girl for a couple of months and she doesn’t eat any meat whatsoever!

I can’t believe I hadn’t heard of herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e01mwt/my_best_friend_told_me_hes_been_dating_a_girl_for/
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I got angry when my phone battery died.

My therapist suggested I find an outlet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e01kyj/i_got_angry_when_my_phone_battery_died/
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I had a flat on the highway and walked 8 miles into town to the auto shop. The mechanic towed my car, fixed my tire and gave me a great deal on a new muffler.

Now I’m tired and exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e01jlo/i_had_a_flat_on_the_highway_and_walked_8_miles/
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My grandfather had his tongue shot out during the war.

He never spoke about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e01g70/my_grandfather_had_his_tongue_shot_out_during_the/
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I put a nut on a bolt today.

It was riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e01fa2/i_put_a_nut_on_a_bolt_today/
%
The FBI had an open position for an assassin...

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e01ayu/the_fbi_had_an_open_position_for_an_assassin/
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A priest is ready to be ordained when the bishop asks if he's into kids.

He replies, "Is that still required?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e018kc/a_priest_is_ready_to_be_ordained_when_the_bishop/
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So a guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.

Girl "It is getting dark out and I am getting scared"
Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e017z3/so_a_guy_is_walking_with_a_young_girl_into_the/
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Pissed-off drummer is tired of people saying he's not a real musician.

Goes to the music store and says, "I'll show
'em. Gimme that red trumpet and that accordion."
Music store guy says, "You can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e017yt/pissedoff_drummer_is_tired_of_people_saying_hes/
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I saw a girl wearing a GUESS t-shirt today...

Turns out "DD?" is not the correct response.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e017u3/i_saw_a_girl_wearing_a_guess_tshirt_today/
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Do you know what the best item to prevent Sasquatch attacks is?

A camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e00z3h/do_you_know_what_the_best_item_to_prevent/
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I bought a theremin

But I haven’t touched it in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e00vh4/i_bought_a_theremin/
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A rich business man goes fishing....

... he has all the newest gear, brand new top quality rods, beautifully handcrafted lures and he sits at the side of the river enjoying his peace. Sadly though after a few hours he still has not caught a single fish. Just as he ponders to retire for the day another man approaches the river not very far from him, looking a bit like a bum, no fishing gear and tatty old and dirty clothes. The rich business man watches in amazement as the bum puts a finger into the river and within seconds a fish latches on the finger and the bum pulls it out, smacks it once and puts it in his pocket. Then he does it again. And again.
The rich business man cannot believe his eyes, so he goes over to the bum and says to him: "Who are you? And how the hell do you do that? I have been sitting here all day and have not caught a single fish! How is that possible?" The bum replies: " Oh, hi, I am Gregg. I have always been fishing like this. Trick is you go to your woman, put your fingers into her cunt, don't wash your fingers and presto, the fish love it and bite like crazy, you can just pull them out."
So the business man goes home, slightly annoyed but with an idea. He sees his wife bent over in the kitchen putting something away. He sneaks up behind her and reaches under her skirt. She doesn't even flinch or turn around as she says: "Oh Gregg, you old dirty bastard, going fishing again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e00ux0/a_rich_business_man_goes_fishing/
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A man got arrested for downloading the complete WikiPedia...

It's OK though, he can explain everything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e00ue9/a_man_got_arrested_for_downloading_the_complete/
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What do Bill Gates and Elon Musk have in common?

They broke windows live on stage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e00u8z/what_do_bill_gates_and_elon_musk_have_in_common/
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A guy was having sex with a girl against a 1963 Corvette Stingray, but he couldn't finish

Those are hard to come by

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e00mbd/a_guy_was_having_sex_with_a_girl_against_a_1963/
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Two boys were playing by a stream

One of the boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long, so he went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e00lec/two_boys_were_playing_by_a_stream/
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What is the difference between inlaws and outlaws ?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e00edu/what_is_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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Yo Mamma's so dumb

She thinks #metoo is a Pokemon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e00ckd/yo_mammas_so_dumb/
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What does a house wear to a party?

Address

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e00cbj/what_does_a_house_wear_to_a_party/
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Why can't two Chinese people have a caucasian child?

...Because two Wongs dont make a White

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e00bpr/why_cant_two_chinese_people_have_a_caucasian_child/
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Stacy really wants to become a man.

But she doesn't have the balls to do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e00afr/stacy_really_wants_to_become_a_man/
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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/e004dq/nsfw_a_mother_was_walking_down_the_hall_when_she/
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Woman are like pools

The cost to mantain them is way more than the time you spend in them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzzy5q/woman_are_like_pools/
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A man had too much to drink...

He was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
“What are you doing out here at two in the morning?” asked the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture,” the man said.
“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.
“My wife,” said the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzzloy/a_man_had_too_much_to_drink/
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I will tell you joke about czech postal service.

But i dont know if you get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzzjz9/i_will_tell_you_joke_about_czech_postal_service/
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I ran into my friend in IT, and asked him, “How can I make a motherboard?”

He said, “Tell her about my job.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzzjr6/i_ran_into_my_friend_in_it_and_asked_him_how_can/
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Two engineering students were walking across campus...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike."
The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzzjay/two_engineering_students_were_walking_across/
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There was a man who worked for the Post Office

... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzzi0p/there_was_a_man_who_worked_for_the_post_office/
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Puppy for Christmas

My kids want a puppy for Christmas .
We usually have a turkey ,but is they want one ill make them one .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzzhnc/puppy_for_christmas/
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By weight, we are mostly gluons.

None of that's matter, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzzgi2/by_weight_we_are_mostly_gluons/
%
9 - 11

Equals minus two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzzaa2/9_11/
%
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzys6k/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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My ananas is acting weird...

it's gone completely bananas...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzymz1/my_ananas_is_acting_weird/
%
What is pain ?

French bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzyjf4/what_is_pain/
%
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall from a cliff ...

Baa Dum Tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzyiay/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_from_a_cliff/
%
How do you make an Italian explode?

You Rigatoni

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzy4k1/how_do_you_make_an_italian_explode/
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What kind of fruit can you have two of, but never have one of?

A pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzy4d9/what_kind_of_fruit_can_you_have_two_of_but_never/
%
Two cows are at the slaughter house, and one cow said to the other cow

Don’t be concerned but I think our lives are at steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzxvd3/two_cows_are_at_the_slaughter_house_and_one_cow/
%
What do you call a cocky Chinese person transporting drugs abroad?

Smug Lin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzxv4l/what_do_you_call_a_cocky_chinese_person/
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What do you call someone who fixes boners?

An erectrician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzxffc/what_do_you_call_someone_who_fixes_boners/
%
When I was younger I really loved video games

my dad used to get on my ass about it, he’d tell me “son, why can’t you be as good at school as you are at video games”, ...boy do I wish he could see me now, I suck at both at this point.
I loved my dad though, he was a funny guy. He was always making me and my mom laugh, so one day I asked him “Dad, what is the secret to being funny”, and he answered “Son, I can’t tell you how to be funny, but I can tell you a few things that sure help a lot”, and I said “Ok, sounds good”
The first thing he said was “a good joke is a lot like sex, it shouldn’t be forced”, now obviously I didn’t know what that meant, but I figured i’d find out later so it didn’t matter
Now, the next thing he said was, “you should treat your audience like you would treat a stop sign”, I was a bit confused so I asked him, “What do you mean dad”, to which he answered, “Just ignore them”
In my mind I was thinking, “man, this advice is golden”, but then he said,“son listen up, this last part is the most important, there is a fine line between being funny and being a joke, make sure you can find that line”
I said, “ok, but what line is that”
To which he simply answered “the punchline”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzwr7r/when_i_was_younger_i_really_loved_video_games/
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When Caroline was young, she said she wanted to be a comedian and everybody laughed at her.

Well, no one is laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzwqxg/when_caroline_was_young_she_said_she_wanted_to_be/
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzwizl/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
Being a man means never celebrating International Men’s Day.

Because every year we forget what day it is. Just like we forget what day our anniversary is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzwi5x/being_a_man_means_never_celebrating_international/
%
I found this in an Indonesian book, and could not find it anywhere else: The man, the pastor, and the chicken

A man came to the church and met the Pastor. "Pastor, I confess," he says.
"At last!" exclaims the Pastor. "Finally you repent too!"
"Listen, Pastor, I have stolen a chicken from someone's field"
"My my, that definitely is a sin."
"If I gave away the chicken to the church, will the priest accept it?"
"Of course not! You have to return it to the owner."
"But the owner refuses to take the chicken back, Pastor."
"Well then," muses the Pastor. "I suppose it is yours to keep then."
"Oh, okay. Thank you, Pastor."
Upon returning home, the pastor discovers that one of his chickens has gone missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzw2ky/i_found_this_in_an_indonesian_book_and_could_not/
%
"Doctor, there's a man on line 1 who thinks he's invisible."

"Well, tell him we can't see him right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzvwz7/doctor_theres_a_man_on_line_1_who_thinks_hes/
%
My breast wrote a novel about itself.

It's the titular character.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzvuc2/my_breast_wrote_a_novel_about_itself/
%
Fun fact: French tanks in WWII had rear-veiw mirrors.

This allows them to see the frontline too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzvshh/fun_fact_french_tanks_in_wwii_had_rearveiw_mirrors/
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A dick has a sad life

His family is nuts, his neighbor is an ass, his best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzvq2l/a_dick_has_a_sad_life/
%
my trans friend got top surgery and a tatoo in the same month

talk about trading a tit for a tat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzv8cc/my_trans_friend_got_top_surgery_and_a_tatoo_in/
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My wife bent over to put the dishes in the dishwasher...

I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust.
“Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!”
“Me too”, I replied.
Edit 1: I’m not really sure how I managed to make 25.8k people laugh and trigger another 25.8k whilst improperly being called a boomer by 25.8k more but... thank you, Reddit. This is why I love you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzv69a/my_wife_bent_over_to_put_the_dishes_in_the/
%
How much space will be freed when British leave the EU?

1GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzv3dk/how_much_space_will_be_freed_when_british_leave/
%
Men naturally choose high paying careers, like doctor, engineer, or CEO. Women naturally gravitate toward lower paying careers ...

... like female doctor, female engineer, or female CEO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzv2gj/men_naturally_choose_high_paying_careers_like/
%
What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzuwgx/what_do_you_call_a_fish_looking_for_cancer/
%
My friend asked me what the definition of trust is

So i told him "two cannibals giving each other blow jobs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzuv9v/my_friend_asked_me_what_the_definition_of_trust_is/
%
What do you call the wife of a hippie?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzuur7/what_do_you_call_the_wife_of_a_hippie/
%
I always wanted to be a Stand-Up Comedian...

But I’ve found it’s more enjoyable sitting-down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzuh4q/i_always_wanted_to_be_a_standup_comedian/
%
My girlfriend says on a camping ground you'll have the best sex.

I tent to agree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzue39/my_girlfriend_says_on_a_camping_ground_youll_have/
%
Here's a joke

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dztv7e/heres_a_joke/
%
Why did the gnat not go to prison?

His g’s were silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dztmrj/why_did_the_gnat_not_go_to_prison/
%
A man walks into a psychiatrist office naked except his lower body is covered in Saran wrap...

As soon as the docter sees him he says”I can clearly see your nuts”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dztlt2/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrist_office_naked/
%
A blind blond guy walks into a bar and yells out, "Hey! Do you all want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

One of the patrons takes the guy aside and says, "Look, buddy. The bartender is blond. The 400-pound wrestler sitting near the window is blond. The armed police officer sitting at the bar is blond. The lawyer sitting at the back of the bar close to the washrooms is blond. The martial arts guy sitting behind us and sporting a black belt is blond. And as a matter of fact, I'm blond. You're blond, too. Now, do you want to go on with that joke?"
"Nah," said the blind blond guy, "I don't want to have to explain it seven times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dztlpt/a_blind_blond_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_yells_out/
%
Don't use beefstew as a computer password

It's not stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dztk39/dont_use_beefstew_as_a_computer_password/
%
There are two kinds of people in the world.

1. Those who need closure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzth92/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
%
A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says "You know you're in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse replies: "I don't think I am" and promptly vanishes from existence.
See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy 'I think, therefore I am.' But if I had explained that before telling the joke, it would've been putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzte1c/a_horse_goes_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_pint/
%
What's red and smells like green paint?

Red paint!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dztcjk/whats_red_and_smells_like_green_paint/
%
What's the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer?

A prostitute will stop fucking you after you're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dztb24/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
%
I saw a baguette at the zoo today

It said bread in captivity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzt8ag/i_saw_a_baguette_at_the_zoo_today/
%
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common

To be honest, I don't care if she has either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzst9o/what_does_a_pulse_and_an_orgasm_have_in_common/
%
"Stop telling Jesus jokes!" Said my girlfriend

"Why? Does it make you cross?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzsnra/stop_telling_jesus_jokes_said_my_girlfriend/
%
Why did the archaeologist hate his life?

His career was in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzsklk/why_did_the_archaeologist_hate_his_life/
%
A farmer took his truck in for repairs.

The local mechanic's couldn't do it while he waited: so, as he didn't live far, he said he would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem. -  how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
"Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" she asked
"Well, “ said the farmer, “as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house.  I would gladly walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
“Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket,” suggested the little old lady, “carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
“Why, thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said. “'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
“I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
“Holy smokes lady!”, the farmer said. “I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
“Well,” the old lady replied,  “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzsebo/a_farmer_took_his_truck_in_for_repairs/
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Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What's left?

The opposite of right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzs4j0/take_4_and_subtract_2_from_it_whats_left/
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I know having sex with another man is a sin

Butt fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzs28u/i_know_having_sex_with_another_man_is_a_sin/
%
An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."
"You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzrv0v/an_old_woman_walked_into_a_dentists_office_took/
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[NSFW] Right now only female cows can give milk...

but milk from male cows is coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzrkp3/nsfw_right_now_only_female_cows_can_give_milk/
%
Just so I can say that I posted it before any of my friends.

....Those two prison guards did not kill themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzrjuy/just_so_i_can_say_that_i_posted_it_before_any_of/
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Dr. Geezer

An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.  He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.”
Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to win $1000.  He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and says, “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.  Can you please help me?”
Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young yells, “Aaagh!  This is gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations!  You’ve got your taste back, that will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and returns a couple days later with another plan to recover his money.  He enters the clinic and says, “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young yells, “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your memory back, that will be $500.”
Dr. Young, angry after losing $1000, comes back after several more days.  He enters the clinic and says, “My eyesight has become weak, I cannot see anything!”
Dr. Geezer replies, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1000 back,” and hands Dr. Young a $10 bill.
Dr. Young quickly yells, “Hey, this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your vision back, that will be $500.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzrj0r/dr_geezer/
%
I saw sexy photos of my math teacher on Instagram and decided to get her a cheap present.

After all, it's the thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzriii/i_saw_sexy_photos_of_my_math_teacher_on_instagram/
%
How does spider man think of such intelligent comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzrb66/how_does_spider_man_think_of_such_intelligent/
%
A family on vacation checks into a motel...

The father of three says "I hope the porn on TV is disabled".
The clerk replies "No, it's just regular porn, you sick fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzr7o8/a_family_on_vacation_checks_into_a_motel/
%
Did you hear about that tattoo parlor that charges its patrons by letting the owner cop a feel?

It’s called Tit-For-Tat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzqybe/did_you_hear_about_that_tattoo_parlor_that/
%
You look awesome! Did you lose weight?

Did you just call me fat and ugly retrospectively?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzqsts/you_look_awesome_did_you_lose_weight/
%
What do you call a Scottish Muslim with a drug problem?

Amaff Maheed.
(Said in a Scottish Accent)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzqn8e/what_do_you_call_a_scottish_muslim_with_a_drug/
%
Heaven is a place...

* where the cops are british
* the chefs french
* the mechanics german
* the comedians american
* the lovers italian
* and everything is organized by the swiss
Hell is a place...
* where the cops are american
* the chefs british
* the mechanics french
* the comedians swiss
* the lovers german
* and everything is organized by the italians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzqn5d/heaven_is_a_place/
%
Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo.  When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him.  When he scratched his head, so did the ape.
Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun.  So he started to scratch under his arms and jump around saying "ooooh oooh oooh" and so did the ape.
Stopping to think about what to do next, Bob scratched his chin, as he was thinking.  Before he could even react, the ape pulled the bars of his cage apart, jumped the moat, and proceeded to beat the ever living shit out of him,
A few weeks later, Bob comes to in a hospital room, in full traction.  When they realized that he was awake, the staff brought a man into his room, and left the two of them alone.
"Mr. Smith, my name is Albert.  I am the zookeeper and I want to see if we can figure out what happened before you were attacked."
"I....don't know.  I was looking at the ape, and noticed he was mimicking my movements."
"I need to know exactly what you did."
"Well, when I first noticed it, I was scratching my head.  When I noticed he was scratching his head, I started to play around, and I started to scratch my underarms and make oooh sounds."
"OK, then what happened?"
"Well, I was trying to think of something else to do, and I think I scratched my chin, which is the last thing I remember."
"You scratched you chin???   Oh that explains everything!  You see, in Ape, that means 'Go fuck yourself'.  Thank God, because if the attack was unprovoked, we'd have to shoot him."
So the zookeper left Bob to sit in traction for another six months, and if you've ever been in a cast, you can only imagine the misery of six months of not being able to move, shit or pee, or even get to that one itch, without someone elses help.  It wears on a man.  So Bob spent all that time coming up with a plan to get his revenge on that damned ape.
He's finally released from the hospital, and makes his first trip to the local butcher, where he buys a giant polish sausage, and a pair of nice new butcher knives.
He then goes straight to the zoo, and marches up to the ape cage, where he is soon standing face to face with his attacker.
"Remember me?" He asked as he got the apes attention, and saw that he was once again mimicking him.  He smiled and reached into his bag, and tossed a butcher knife into the apes cage.
When the ape picked it up, Bob got his attention, by holding his own knife high, while he reached into his pants, and pulled the polish sausage out through the fly.  Just as he expected, the ape mimicked him, holding his knife high, and his junk in his other hand.
Seeing this, Bob sliced down with his big butcher knife, cleanly cutting the polish sausage in half.   Seeing the sausage laying on the ground, he looked up smugly to see how much pain the poor dumb ape must be in right now... where he saw him standing there, scratching his chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzqn1o/bob_goes_to_the_zoo/
%
A coach for the Detroit Lions was looking for the perfect quarterback

...he had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Syria. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Syrian Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
“I’ve got to get this guy!” The coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Syrian is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old Muslim woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son!”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzqgrj/a_coach_for_the_detroit_lions_was_looking_for_the/
%
I'll tell you what I know about dwarves.

Very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzq63q/ill_tell_you_what_i_know_about_dwarves/
%
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.
The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.
Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.
The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.
“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”
“Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.
“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”
“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzq0p0/a_mailman_notices_a_mailbox_with_the_flag_up/
%
I forgot to study for today

Hope i don't fail the drug test

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzpspl/i_forgot_to_study_for_today/
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Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.

The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"  The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"  So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.  That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me."  And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands' death, the blonde replies "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzpfpp/three_construction_workers_are_on_the/
%
A man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said “I want to be a movie star.” Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, “What’s your name?”
The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”
The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”
“I will not change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”
The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years you will never go far with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will have to change your name or I will not be able to represent you.” “So be it! I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.
Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed.
“Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were right, I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzp7x8/a_man_walked_into_an_agents_office_in_hollywood/
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A little old lady is walking down the street,

dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the  bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill comes flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there  are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old  lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks  for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh,  no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the  parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of  fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So,  I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each  time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or  off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.  "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady,
"not all of them pay up"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzp3bi/a_little_old_lady_is_walking_down_the_street/
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I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzp0j6/i_once_knew_a_guy_who_cross_bred_insects_for_fun/
%
I was at the front of the bus with my sister.

This old man said, "When are you two getting off?"
"We're fucking related you sick bastard," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzp0el/i_was_at_the_front_of_the_bus_with_my_sister/
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There are three types of people in the world

Those who can count and those who can’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzow1z/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
A man went to a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said 'F**k off, you won't bring it back.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzovoy/a_man_went_to_a_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
%
To me, I think it was the right idea to give that new joker movie an R rating

Without it the whole film would seem like one big “*Joke*”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzoqx3/to_me_i_think_it_was_the_right_idea_to_give_that/
%
A traveler walks into a bar in a foreign land...

He started up a conversation with a bar owner, Greg for confidence. Eventually they were talking about his business.
Greg: you see this bar? It took years to build this bar, to find every perfect piece of brick, to hone it into a perfect bar. But do they call me Greg the bar builder? No.
You see that pier? It took years to build that pier, to find every perfect piece of wood, to hone it into a perfect pier. But do they call me Greg the pier builder? No.
You see that clock on the clock tower over there? It took years to build that clock, to find every perfect piece of machinery, to hone it into a perfect clock. But do they call me Greg the clock builder? No.
But you fuck one goat...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzoq2k/a_traveler_walks_into_a_bar_in_a_foreign_land/
%
What is a mangrove?

Pubes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzodop/what_is_a_mangrove/
%
They arrested Bob the barber for selling cocaine!

I've been his faithful customer for 5 years and I don't even know he's a barber!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dznwf3/they_arrested_bob_the_barber_for_selling_cocaine/
%
How do you plan a space party

Planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dznv1l/how_do_you_plan_a_space_party/
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TIL that there are two things in the air that can cause women to become pregnant...

Their legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dznsrf/til_that_there_are_two_things_in_the_air_that_can/
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A guy in a small town finds out his wife is cheating on him...

In a rage, he grabs his 6-shooter and kicks open the front door of the only bar in town and yells at everyone, "Whoever is sleeping with my wife is about to be shot!"
...
Quiet voice in the back says, "You're going to need more bullets mate..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dznrgt/a_guy_in_a_small_town_finds_out_his_wife_is/
%
A Chinese Official invites a Malaysian Official to his house

The Malaysian official is in awe that the Chinese official's house is a big and luxurious mansion, so he ask him how did he manage to own such an estate with a public servant's salary.
The Chinese man take him to the balcony, and points to a half built bridge.
"See that bridge? I used half of it's budget to build my mansion."
6 month later, the Malaysian official invites the Chinese official to his house.
This time, the Chinese official is shocked by the Malaysian official's incredibly luxurious, huge and  beautiful mansion, many times more expensive than his own.
So he ask the Malaysian how did he manage it with a public servant's salary.
The Malaysian official brings him to the balcony and point out:
"Do you see that children hospital there?"
"What hospital?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dznqrh/a_chinese_official_invites_a_malaysian_official/
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I went to the gym and notice a small hole in my trainer just big enough to get a finger in

So long story short he's now filing for sexual assault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dznlp8/i_went_to_the_gym_and_notice_a_small_hole_in_my/
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I took up origami for a while,

but I gave it up because it was too much paperwork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzn6i2/i_took_up_origami_for_a_while/
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Captain America, The Hulk, Thor, and Iron Man all get Lego sets for Christmas.

"Avengers, assemble!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzn2zh/captain_america_the_hulk_thor_and_iron_man_all/
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What do you call a smart gay person?

Homogeneous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzmuhe/what_do_you_call_a_smart_gay_person/
%
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.....

....He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzmnid/frank_was_excited_about_his_new_rifle_and_decided/
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This is my horse, Mayo.

**Friend:** why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse?
**Mayo:** [neighs]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzmkyw/this_is_my_horse_mayo/
%
I was sitting at the bar one night... (LONG)

I was seated at the bar and had just ordered another drink, when a woman sat down in the stool next to me. She ordered her drink, and then looked down and started checking her phone.
My drink came, and then hers. She put away her phone and took a long drink, and then turned to me and said "you wanna SEE a joke?"
My first thought was SEE vs HEAR a joke? So, I told her "Yea, sure - show me!"
She pulled out two pennies and put them FACE UP on the bar between us and asked "Do you see two cars?"
I looked down and after looking and looking (and not finding) I told her "No, no cars."
She said, "yes there are - two LINCOLNS"
"Ah" I said " I got it. Two Lincolns because of the heads on the coins. "Ok."
Then she asked "Do you see two snakes?"
Down I look at the coins again and try as I might... I see NO SNAKES. I tell her "Nope, no snakes."
She laughs and tells me "You're not trying hard enough! There are two COPPERHEADS!!!"
"Aww man! You got me again. Yup there are two copper heads there" the copper heads on Lincoln
I think I got her beat this time and I ask her  "Is there anything else to look for?"
She takes a drink and turns to me "Look again and tell me if you see my pussy"
I looked at her... shocked, but again - I look at the two pennies, searching for the answer to this riddle.
Finally after a few minutes. I tell her "Nope. I do not see your pussy."
She took a long drink and then looked at me and said...
NOT FOR TWO CENTS YOU WON'T!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzm30g/i_was_sitting_at_the_bar_one_night_long/
%
My Penis is in the Guinness Book of World Records

And that's how i got kicked out of the Library

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzly0k/my_penis_is_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
Four men and a boat

Three blind men and a one-eyed man need to cross a lake in a row boat. So, the one-eyed man is the  navigator helping to guide them while the blind men take turns rowing.  Everything is going well and they get to the middle of the lake. Out of  nowhere, a crow flies over and lands on the edge of the boat right next  to the navigator. They look at each other for a minute, and then the  crow leans over, plucks out the man's one good eye, swallows it and  flies off.
The man, in shock, stands up and shouts "we're finished!".
The three blind men stand up and get out of the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzlxfw/four_men_and_a_boat/
%
An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will

He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else.
The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom:
"It's none of my business, of course... It's your money and your sons... But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!"
"Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzltom/an_old_wealthy_jew_is_dying_and_decides_to/
%
What's Gordon Ramsay's least favorite movie?

Frozen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzlrkn/whats_gordon_ramsays_least_favorite_movie/
%
A man walks into the library and asks "where are your books on BDSM?"

The librarian replies "they're still being bound."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzlljt/a_man_walks_into_the_library_and_asks_where_are/
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Men do your part for feminism,and give your wife half the bills!

That's what I did.
She immediately left me , took the house ,half my money , and now she's a strong empowered independent woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzlasb/men_do_your_part_for_feminismand_give_your_wife/
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I used to date Rick Astley.

I guess you could say that we’re no strangers to love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzlacp/i_used_to_date_rick_astley/
%
What do you call a child's meal?

Childdish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzl3gp/what_do_you_call_a_childs_meal/
%
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins....

....I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzl22d/i_was_digging_in_our_garden_when_i_found_a_chest/
%
I was going to tell a dead baby joke

But then I decided to abort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzl08z/i_was_going_to_tell_a_dead_baby_joke/
%
I am half Chinese and half Italian.

So my parents called me Lin Guini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzks2x/i_am_half_chinese_and_half_italian/
%
So many people these days are too judgemental.

I can tell just by looking at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzkqkx/so_many_people_these_days_are_too_judgemental/
%
Yesterday I was sentenced to death for writing so many click bait headlines

What happens next will shock you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzkh1y/yesterday_i_was_sentenced_to_death_for_writing_so/
%
A man walks into the library and asks the librarian, "where are your books on unorthodox directional terms?"

The librarian replies, "they're over yonder"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzkf10/a_man_walks_into_the_library_and_asks_the/
%
The Marriage Counselor

A middle aged couple were having problems and decided to go see a marriage counselor. The doctor told them "The session will be $500 and I will have to do an examination. If I don't think I can help you, I will return half your money and you can go your own way." The couple agreed.
They all went in back and the couple were told to get undressed. They did so, and the doctor began poking, prying, lifting, and squeezing. When he was done, he told them to go to the grocery store and get a box of donuts and a vine of grapes. "Sir, take the grapes and role some into your wife's love canal. Then, spend as much time down there as needed to eat out every last grape." They both smiled and nodded. "Ma'am, take the donuts and toss a couple on your husband's love pole. After you get a few in, devour them like the lioness you are."  she got a wicked grin and they left to imidiatly take his advice.
Some time later, they were discussing, with some friends, how much this doctor helped them. This new couple went to the same doctor to get help. The doctor told them "The session will be $500 and I will have to do an examination. If I don't think I can help you, I will return half your money and you can go your own way." The couple agreed.
They all went in back and the couple were told to get undressed. They did so, and the doctor began poking, prying, lifting, and squeezing. When done, the doctor told them, "I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you. You can see the cashier on the way out for your partial refund." The couple begged and pleaded, and even offered to pay double. Finally, the doctor agreed and told them, "Go to the store and pick up a box of cheerios and an apple..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzke9c/the_marriage_counselor/
%
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzk9xz/a_young_mexican_man_named_jose_was_curious_about/
%
Last Night I Dreamed I was swimming in a pool of Orange Soda.

Luckily it was just a FANTAsea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzk0cc/last_night_i_dreamed_i_was_swimming_in_a_pool_of/
%
On what kind of tree do fingers grow on?

On a palm tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzjzmk/on_what_kind_of_tree_do_fingers_grow_on/
%
Why did the spy cross the road?

He didn't. He was never really on your side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzjq3e/why_did_the_spy_cross_the_road/
%
I keep getting that Justin Timberlake song about a body of water in the Ukrainian peninsula annexed by Russia stuck in my head.

"Crimea Riverrrrrr"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzjkgq/i_keep_getting_that_justin_timberlake_song_about/
%
I heard that a good way to let go of anger is to write letters to people you hate and then to burn them.

It really helps a lot.  Now I just need to figure out what to do with all these letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzji2n/i_heard_that_a_good_way_to_let_go_of_anger_is_to/
%
Little known fact-

Captain Hook bought his hook from a second hand store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzjdfv/little_known_fact/
%
What is brown and rhymes with "snoop?"

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzj9i6/what_is_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzj7qc/why_do_squirrels_swim_on_their_backs/
%
The Dwayne Johnson rule

I approached a feminist in a bar, before I could utter a word she explained to me the "Dwayne Johnson" rule.
I can only say things to her that I would be comfortable saying to Dwayne Johnson.
So I said...
"Your chest is fucking epic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzj6d5/the_dwayne_johnson_rule/
%
Hey baby, are you a parking ticket?

Because I picked you up on the street and I can't afford to pay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dziudl/hey_baby_are_you_a_parking_ticket/
%
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzits1/this_guy_is_dining_alone_in_a_fancy_restaurant/
%
How do you call a hidden pub?

A search bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzitm6/how_do_you_call_a_hidden_pub/
%
I visited my friend at his new house and he told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzit7r/i_visited_my_friend_at_his_new_house_and_he_told/
%
It's surprisingly cold in Argentina this time of year

In fact, it's bordering on Chile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzipdl/its_surprisingly_cold_in_argentina_this_time_of/
%
I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.

Somebody had ripped the appendix out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzimko/i_went_to_the_library_to_get_a_medical_book_on/
%
Communist jokes are amazing...

...If everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzim6q/communist_jokes_are_amazing/
%
My college professor makes extra money by forcing his students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It’s textbook Economics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dziidt/my_college_professor_makes_extra_money_by_forcing/
%
My grandfather died happy, doing the job he loved.

Much happier than the passengers on his bus when he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzigng/my_grandfather_died_happy_doing_the_job_he_loved/
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I heard Xi Jingping is going to publish his own little red book of quotes like Mao....

It's going to be called "That's what Xi Said".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dziggp/i_heard_xi_jingping_is_going_to_publish_his_own/
%
A horse walks into a bar

The barman says "What the fuck? Who's horse is this? Get out of here! No! No that's for customers! Go away! Oh goddamnit! Not on the FLOOR! YOU PIECE O-! PISS OF! Alright, sorry, calm down. CALM DOWN! AHHH! OH GOD NO THE TABLES EVERYBODY GET OUT OH JESUS FUCK"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzi99n/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man walks into a bar and it's empty except for the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, "Psst...I like your tie." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.
"Psst....that color looks nice on you."
He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but.....are you speaking to me?"
The bartender rolls his eyes and says,"No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts.....they're complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzi8dk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_its_empty_except_for/
%
I lost half of my body

The doctor said although there isn't much left of me, I am going to be all right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzi5gf/i_lost_half_of_my_body/
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After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale

Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzhz1a/after_purchasing_an_oval_chinese_frying_pan_at/
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I invented a device to disrupt the watchmaking industry. I emailed a proposition to a French watchmaker. Their response?

Seiko Killer?  Qu'est-ce que c'est?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzhyz3/i_invented_a_device_to_disrupt_the_watchmaking/
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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzhwox/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_going_down/
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Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”

The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzhvj5/eminem_walks_into_a_bar_and_tells_the_bartender/
%
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzhoro/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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This genie has only 3 wishes

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside this magic lamp is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.
"I want to go home," says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.
"I want to go home too," says the second friend. The genie then sends her home.
"I'm lonely," says the third friend. "I sure wish my friends were back here with me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzhb7a/this_genie_has_only_3_wishes/
%
What is the best part about Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzgtiq/what_is_the_best_part_about_switzerland/
%
At a boat rental concession the manager spots a boat out on a lake and yells through his megaphone,"Number 99,come in please. Your time is up."

Several minutes pass but the boat doesn't return.
"Boat number 99," He again hollers, "Return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you over time."
"Something's wrong!We only have 75 boats."the manager pauses then raises his megaphone,"Boat number 66,are you okay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzgnb2/at_a_boat_rental_concession_the_manager_spots_a/
%
what did the karma whore say after 9/11



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzg5dv/what_did_the_karma_whore_say_after_911/
%
John Smith got a job at Ayr Seaport

Oh John's first day, he was told to,  or rather wait for someone else to do so, transport a gorilla. He was told by his supervisor "Do anything, but don't touch it!" He went around, doing things until he thought "What happens if I do touch it?" So he leaned in the cage and lightly touched it, and it went MAD! You could even say it went apeshit. It ran to the bars and bent them until they broke.
John ran to his car and drove to Newton On Ayr and got a train to Glasgow Central. He turned around and saw the gorilla chasing the train.
He got out at Paisley Gilmore Street and got a taxi. He was kicked out so he just started running. The gorilla was still following. He reached the end of an alley and the gorilla reached out and tapped him saying. "Tag, you're it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzg4ie/john_smith_got_a_job_at_ayr_seaport/
%
My family owns a tea shop

Customer: You should sell milk tea.
Me: We tried but it didn't work out.
Customer: What happened?
Me: My Dad never came back with the milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzfxqf/my_family_owns_a_tea_shop/
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How many potatoes do you need to kill an irishman?

Zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzfrpk/how_many_potatoes_do_you_need_to_kill_an_irishman/
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I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

I left her though, because she was seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzfpcc/i_dated_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye_once/
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A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzfoz6/a_blind_man_went_to_a_restaurant/
%
I would tell you a joke about planes,

But it would go straight over your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzfnf8/i_would_tell_you_a_joke_about_planes/
%
What would it be called if mass genocide were committed against Russians?

The alcoholocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzfk6v/what_would_it_be_called_if_mass_genocide_were/
%
Jack be nimble, jack be quick

Jack doesn't appreciate you bringing up his premature ejaculation issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzffwl/jack_be_nimble_jack_be_quick/
%
What do you call a political figure thats been shot in the leg?

a Handi-capitalist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzffkf/what_do_you_call_a_political_figure_thats_been/
%
Some people had doubts that I'd be a good leader

Those people are dead now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzfdiv/some_people_had_doubts_that_id_be_a_good_leader/
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzf4k3/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar

Blunt force trauma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzeq3w/a_stoner_a_jedi_and_a_surgeon_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blowjob!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzeps6/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_tree/
%
Why did the man fall into a well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzen70/why_did_the_man_fall_into_a_well/
%
Why was the cookie sad?

Because it’s dad was a wafer so long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzemg2/why_was_the_cookie_sad/
%
What do you call a mean criminal falling off a cliff?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzeftk/what_do_you_call_a_mean_criminal_falling_off_a/
%
Missionary: Hello tribals, meet Jesus

Tribals: You first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzefa3/missionary_hello_tribals_meet_jesus/
%
An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"
The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go. "Play alone, we're a-leavin'. Wild Bill's comin' to town."
The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing; a strong one at that. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change."
After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer, and pushes the bill back to the reporter. "The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town." Without another word the 'tender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the reporter in an empty bar.
Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he's about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something; so he waits...
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, Bong<CRACK!>- Just as the clock strikes the first chime of twelve, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The reporter runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a tornado coming right for the bar. The reporter hits the ground and watches as the tornado comes up to the bar and stops.
The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face <WHAM!>, knocking it cold on the ground.
The reporter is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. <KaPLOW!> the giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters that imbed themselves into the walls and break bottles and glasses that they touch.
The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the reporter and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, "GIMME A DRINK!"
The reporter comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whisky; which the giant snatches up, chews the glass tops off of, and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles showering the reporter with shards that rain down.
Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the reporter stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, "W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?"
The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock... "Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill's comin' to town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzecoj/an_old_dime_store_novel_writer_walks_into_a_saloon/
%
I heard Dwayne Johnson is filming a movie about retrieving documents from the leader of ancient Rome

It's going to be a Rock, Paper, Caesar's shoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzeao9/i_heard_dwayne_johnson_is_filming_a_movie_about/
%
I’ll tell you what quid pro quo means...

But you have to give me something first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dze7ug/ill_tell_you_what_quid_pro_quo_means/
%
What kind of dough does a gamer use?

Nintedough!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dze6xd/what_kind_of_dough_does_a_gamer_use/
%
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face

... for instance when you push them down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dze36c/even_people_who_are_good_for_nothing_have_the/
%
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dze1c7/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
%
What do you do when you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzdpfr/what_do_you_do_when_you_come_across_a_tiger_in/
%
I hate how people make jokes about 9/11 my dad died

He was a good pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzdkea/i_hate_how_people_make_jokes_about_911_my_dad_died/
%
Once there was a lion and a monkey.

The monkey said, “I can make the weather change.” And the lion said, “No, you can’t.”
So the monkey started climbing up the tree. And then he started peeing on the lion’s head. “Now it’s raining!” Then he started farting. “Now there’s thunder!”   Then he started doo-dooing. “Now it’s snowing!”
So the lion said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I can make the stars come out.” And then then kicked the monkey in the ding-ding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzdcw8/once_there_was_a_lion_and_a_monkey/
%
Two Israeli men were sitting beside each other. One notices that the other is reading Palestinian propaganda.

He says, "why are you reading that bullshit? The Palestinians want us dead!"
The other says, "well, the Israeli newspapers say "Israel is doomed, the Jews are hated, we're oppressed", but this says "The Jews run the world, Israel runs our governments, the Israelis are taking over"... I like this one!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzd97h/two_israeli_men_were_sitting_beside_each_other/
%
4 aliens crash land onto Earth and know no English, but can learn quickly.

The aliens split up, to hopefully develop their knowledge in the language.
The first alien walked into an office building and heard someone speaking into the phone. "Yeah. Of course." he heard.
The second alien walks by a restaurant and sees a little kid playing with utensils and saying, "Forks and knives, forks and knives..."
The third alien comes by a park and sees a kid crying and pointing at another kid and saying: "He stole my lollipop!"
The fourth alien passes by a sports stadium, and the home team just scored, so he heard " Woohoo! Let's go!"
The group then met up and walked along the sidewalk. They came across a dead body when a cop pulled up.
Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
First alien: "Yeah. Of course."
Cop: "How did you kill this man?"
Second alien: "Forks and knives, forks and knives."
Cop: "Why did you kill this man?"
Third alien: "He stole my lollipop!"
Cop: "The four of you are going to jail!"
Fourth alien: "Woohoo! Let's go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzd2gr/4_aliens_crash_land_onto_earth_and_know_no/
%
What happens when you drop a 14lb weight on 2 canaries?

You kill 2 birds with one stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzd2dn/what_happens_when_you_drop_a_14lb_weight_on_2/
%
My 90yr old Grandfather got startled by my automatic vacuum, and smashed it.

KO Roomba

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzd1n0/my_90yr_old_grandfather_got_startled_by_my/
%
My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”

That spoke volumes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzct5y/my_grandpas_last_words_before_he_died_was_pints/
%
Where do ghosts live?

They don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzcro2/where_do_ghosts_live/
%
You know who said that your mom is gay?

Both of your dads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzcq8q/you_know_who_said_that_your_mom_is_gay/
%
What’s the difference between a bad joke and 3 dicks?

Your mom can’t take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzcnub/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_joke_and_3/
%
You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzcm6l/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_skydive/
%
Why do men give their jackets to women that are cold

Who the fuck wants a blowjob from a girl whos teeth are chattering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzcjv3/why_do_men_give_their_jackets_to_women_that_are/
%
Why is Santa’s sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzcis2/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
I need everyone to wish me luck. I've got a meeting at the bank in a few minutes, and if all goes well, I will finally become debt free.

I'm so excited, I can barely get my ski mask on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzchxh/i_need_everyone_to_wish_me_luck_ive_got_a_meeting/
%
Why did Stalin fail out of school?

He didn't get high enough Marx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzchw2/why_did_stalin_fail_out_of_school/
%
Why do geologist keep some of the rocks they collected?

Because it has sedimentary value

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzc6i6/why_do_geologist_keep_some_of_the_rocks_they/
%
Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from prison?

There's a small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzbv7v/did_you_hear_about_the_psychic_midget_who_escaped/
%
Who do mice pray to?

Cheesus Christ!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzbm2g/who_do_mice_pray_to/
%
A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight

live longer than the men who mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzb2gv/a_recent_study_has_shown_that_women_who_carry_a/
%
I hate it when you sincerely compliment someone's moustache

And then suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzb0pz/i_hate_it_when_you_sincerely_compliment_someones/
%
How do you know if Asians are moving into the neighborhood?

The Mexicans start buying car insurance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzazrg/how_do_you_know_if_asians_are_moving_into_the/
%
How do you get a fat person to sleep with you?

Piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzayef/how_do_you_get_a_fat_person_to_sleep_with_you/
%
There are two types of people in the world

Those who need answers,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzawql/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
What do you call a sexist back rub?

massage-ony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzashw/what_do_you_call_a_sexist_back_rub/
%
I once passed the chance to be CEO of a ketchup company

In Heinz-sight that was a mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzapxu/i_once_passed_the_chance_to_be_ceo_of_a_ketchup/
%
I didn’t like Despicable Me’s protagonist at first

But in the end,  he kind of Gru on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzanmm/i_didnt_like_despicable_mes_protagonist_at_first/
%
I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as......

FLEECE NAVI-DAD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzahwp/ive_decided_im_dressing_in_a_costume_for/
%
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzaei4/my_old_aunts_would_come_and_tease_me_at_weddings/
%
Pharmacist

So a very sweet respectable lady goes to the pharmacy. When it is her turn the pharmacist ask how he could help her. She says" I would like to buy some poison".  "Why do you want poison?", the pharmacist responds. "I want to poison my husband" she replies calmly." "I can't sell you poison to kill your husband. They would put both of us in prison for life!"
So the woman takes out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist wife and shows it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist responds "Well now, that's different you didn't tell me you had a prescription!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dzae1t/pharmacist/
%
Did you hear the one about the priest and the alter boy?

It’s actually quite a touching story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dza54o/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_priest_and_the/
%
What’s a depressed persons favorite drink?

A Depresspespresso.
Just kidding it’s Cyanide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dza37j/whats_a_depressed_persons_favorite_drink/
%
My neighbor got busted for growing weed...

Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz9umz/my_neighbor_got_busted_for_growing_weed/
%
Murphy’s Law states that...

if you don’t know something, the best way to find out is not to ask a question, but to post the wrong answer on the internet claiming to be right and wait on someone to correct you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz9m03/murphys_law_states_that/
%
We found out the guy who plays rock music on his radio at work has ED

We call him Limp Bizkit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz9ecz/we_found_out_the_guy_who_plays_rock_music_on_his/
%
Why do we not make jokes about Jim Jones?

Because the punch line is too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz965v/why_do_we_not_make_jokes_about_jim_jones/
%
What did the hat say to the scarf?

You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8xbh/what_did_the_hat_say_to_the_scarf/
%
Barbershop

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers
and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in
the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a
haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the
shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said,
'About an hour and a half '
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he
goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing
hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy
go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8wsa/barbershop/
%
Do you know that the white-tailed deer can jump higher than your average house. ?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can't jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8u5q/do_you_know_that_the_whitetailed_deer_can_jump/
%
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8tr7/did_you_hear_about_the_semicolon_that_broke_the/
%
A perfectionist walked into a bar...

apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8t0r/a_perfectionist_walked_into_a_bar/
%
So this guy walks into a library

He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed
At this point,  the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?”
The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises”
The librarian thinks for a second, then responds, “I don’t think it’s in yet”
He nods back, “Yep, that’s the one”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8spo/so_this_guy_walks_into_a_library/
%
Someone broke into my house and stole all the food for my birthday party.

Of all the assholes in the world this guy takes the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8sk8/someone_broke_into_my_house_and_stole_all_the/
%
The cops in my town are looking for a man who has been stealing a bunch of IPhones.

He is almost certainly going to Face Time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8r6e/the_cops_in_my_town_are_looking_for_a_man_who_has/
%
A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis.

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.
"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8pk9/a_man_sunbathes_in_the_nude_and_ends_up_burning/
%
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8nwb/job_interviewer_and_where_would_you_see_yourself/
%
I broke my finger yesterday...

... on the other hand, I'm okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8mjv/i_broke_my_finger_yesterday/
%
Did you hear about the pig at the slaughterhouse?

He saw the entrance and went ham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8j0n/did_you_hear_about_the_pig_at_the_slaughterhouse/
%
British Humour

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8fm0/british_humour/
%
What does Keanu Reeves do when his dog dies?

Keanu greeves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8cc2/what_does_keanu_reeves_do_when_his_dog_dies/
%
Two boys are taking a stroll through the woods, when they come across this well

They take a look down the well, and can't see the bottom. They want to know how long the drop is so one of them throws a pebble down there.
They wait a while......nothing.
They spot a good sized rock and toss it down the well next.
They wait a while.....still nothing.
They look around and spot an engine block. They both push the heavy engine block into the well.
They wait a while....then BANG! A loud crash is heard.
Right when they're about to move on through the woods, a goat comes sprinting past them and dives into the well. While looking at each other and down the well in shock a farmer runs up to them.
"Excuse me, I left my goat around here, do you know where it went?"
"You're goat's crazy, sir!" One of the boys starts explaining. "It sprinted and dived into this well here!"
The farmer looked at the boys, puzzled. "But...that's impossible. I tied it to an engine block."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz8b4f/two_boys_are_taking_a_stroll_through_the_woods/
%
Women are far more priviliged than men.

My girlftiend and I went to a dinner with friends the other day. Everybody found my girlfriend stunning and gorgeous, but they called me weird, creepy and gross.
We were wearing the exact same dress!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz844e/women_are_far_more_priviliged_than_men/
%
I took my 8 year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we walked around the office, she started crying, so I asked what was wrong with her.

As my colleagues gathered round she sobbed: "But daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz82jw/i_took_my_8_year_old_girl_to_the_office_with_me/
%
I overdosed on viagra once.

Hardest day of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz7z7m/i_overdosed_on_viagra_once/
%
If bedbugs live in beds...

Where do cockroaches live?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz7tat/if_bedbugs_live_in_beds/
%
A visiting professor at the University of West Virginia gives a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start," says the professor. "How many have seen a ghost?"
About 20 students raise their hands.
The professor asks, "Has anyone ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"OK," says the professor. "I'm curious -- have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes a step back and says, "Sir, would you be willing to come up here and tell us about your experience?"
The student make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Thank you for being so honest. Now, please, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?! Dang, I thought you was talkin' about 'goats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz7q3g/a_visiting_professor_at_the_university_of_west/
%
If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients,

They could really get away with calling them psycho paths.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz7ph6/if_mental_asylums_invested_in_walking_trails_for/
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Ladies, are you looking to get longer lashes?

Try showing a bit of ankle in Saudi Arabia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz7nrj/ladies_are_you_looking_to_get_longer_lashes/
%
I'm always amazed at the wonders of nature and how in tune they are with the Earth itself. For example, when ducks fly in V-formation, do you know why one side is often longer than the other?

Its because that side has more ducks in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz7fq1/im_always_amazed_at_the_wonders_of_nature_and_how/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel tied to his testicles

The bartender says "hey you know there's a steering wheel tied to your balls?"
The pirate says "arrrgh, it's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz75ys/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_ships_steering/
%
Been chatting to a 14 year old girl online....

She's really cute and sexy, and now shes just told me shes an undercover cop!
How fucking cool is that for somebody her age

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz71mr/been_chatting_to_a_14_year_old_girl_online/
%
Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in a different direction and tells them to go into the forest, get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit, and bring it back. It can be any kind of fruit as long as they get ten pieces of the same kind.
Man A gets back first with ten apples. The chief tells him that while they wait for the other two, he can do the rest of the test. "It's simple," the chief said, "you just have to stick all ten of the apples up your butt without making a sound." Man A gets one apple in with no sound, but he grunts in pain on the second and thus is killed. Man B arrives next with ten small blueberries. He is told the same thing as Man A and begins the challenge. He is on number nine, doing great and making no sound, when he bursts out laughing and is killed.
In Heaven, Man A and Man B stand together in line at the Pearly Gates. "You were doing so well!" Man A said. "Why did you laugh?" Man B started laughing again and responded: "I just couldn't help it... I saw Man C coming back with pineapples."
**Fun fact: This is the first joke I remember ever being told. My cousin told me and his younger siblings it, and we laughed for like an hour.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz6os6/three_men_get_lost_in_a_forest_and_kidnapped_by_a/
%
A friend just grabbed my coke can and destroyed it.

That's soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz6ili/a_friend_just_grabbed_my_coke_can_and_destroyed_it/
%
What did the furry spider say to its crush?

oOOowoOOo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz67wm/what_did_the_furry_spider_say_to_its_crush/
%
The best advice my mom ever gave me: “if you want something done right, do it yourself....

unless you’re Jeffery Epstein.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz5w66/the_best_advice_my_mom_ever_gave_me_if_you_want/
%
When chemists die,

we Barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz5t72/when_chemists_die/
%
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: Good news please

Doctor: A disease is going to be named after you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz5lwu/doctor_do_you_want_to_hear_the_good_news_or_the/
%
For some reason pee jokes rank higher than poop jokes. I don’t care.

Number 1 doesn’t mean shit!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz5eqx/for_some_reason_pee_jokes_rank_higher_than_poop/
%
Have I ever dipped my testicles into a beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz58jh/have_i_ever_dipped_my_testicles_into_a_beer/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz4ztk/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.
The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."
The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian."
The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian."
God's voice booms down "that's funny…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz4wcr/a_jewish_man_decides_his_son_isnt_religious/
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I was gonna make a China joke…

[THIS CONTENT, FOR YOUR SAFETY, HAS BEEN CENSORED BY THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF CHINA.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz4u8y/i_was_gonna_make_a_china_joke/
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My lesbian neighbours gifted me a watch for my bithday today

Apparently they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch" when they asked me what I wanted for my birthday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz4n5q/my_lesbian_neighbours_gifted_me_a_watch_for_my/
%
My girlfriend has an IQ of 200 and I'm jealous of her.

So last night I fucked her brains out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz4mjp/my_girlfriend_has_an_iq_of_200_and_im_jealous_of/
%
"Hey Yoda, Why did 5 go to 6's funeral?"

"Because 6, 7 8."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz4le8/hey_yoda_why_did_5_go_to_6s_funeral/
%
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz4jvw/theres_a_man_sitting_at_a_bar_just_looking_at_his/
%
I’m hosting a charity event for people who struggle ejaculating.

If you can’t come let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz4gad/im_hosting_a_charity_event_for_people_who/
%
There was a man who loved tractors...

This man was literally obsessed with tractors. He fucking LOVED tractors. He lived tractors, his life was eat, sleep, tractors. However, one day, he fell off a tractor and broke his leg. After that, he hated tractors and never went near one again.
A few years later, the man came home from the pub with a friend, only to find his house full of extremely thick, black smoke. He took in a massive breath and managed to blow ALL the smoke out of his house in one puff. His friend said “HOW DID YOU DO THAT!?!”, to which he replied “I’m an ex tractor fan”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz4f9u/there_was_a_man_who_loved_tractors/
%
A rich and powerful rule was bored one day...

He decided to entertain himself, and called 3 of his servants over. He gave them the task of bringing him fruit. They all needed to bring a different type of fruit, and 10 of each fruit.
The first servant comes back with 10 apples. "Now you have to shove those 10 apples up your ass, without making a sound!" "Sir..." the servant tried to object. "Now or I will have you hanged!" Yelled the ruler. So the servant complied, and on apple number 3 he winced and cried out in pain. He was hanged.
The second servant comes back with 10 grapes. He starts popping in the grapes into his ass hole, when suddenly he burst into laughter on his 9th grape. He was hanged immediately.
When the first and second servant meet up in heaven, the first servant asks, "Why did you laugh? You were so close to getting that 10th grape in?" He replies "I saw the third servant coming in with 10 pineapples.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz49in/a_rich_and_powerful_rule_was_bored_one_day/
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I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz48tf/i_never_learned_when_to_properly_use_contractions/
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A woman comes into a pet shop to buy a pet that can talk.

She asks the guy who works there.
-Well, this on can talk, he says, and points at a parrot that stanf on a stick.
-What does it say? the woman asks.
-If you pull his left leg, he will say "good morning"   and if you pull his right leg he will say "good night"
-What if I pull both leggs, what happens then? she asks.
-Then I will fall of the stick you idiot, the parrot says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz4522/a_woman_comes_into_a_pet_shop_to_buy_a_pet_that/
%
My friends have started a podcast where they argue about their cheese opinions

It's called "k......so?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz3tnz/my_friends_have_started_a_podcast_where_they/
%
If Satan ever lost his hair...

There would be hell toupee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz3tks/if_satan_ever_lost_his_hair/
%
To improve corporate rapport , they made it compulsory for guys to hang out with other guys outside of work

I  guess that was the "mandate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz3o01/to_improve_corporate_rapport_they_made_it/
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What did pikachu say to ash when he saw him?

Pikachu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz3j51/what_did_pikachu_say_to_ash_when_he_saw_him/
%
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...

No, wait, she's back.  She was just making a cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz3g8l/my_wife_left_me_because_she_thinks_im_too_insecure/
%
My friend said he wanted to be a sugar daddy in the future.

I told him, "Boy, with how broke you are, you'd be a splenda stepfather."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz39lq/my_friend_said_he_wanted_to_be_a_sugar_daddy_in/
%
What's the difference between a magician and a rapper?

A magician will disappear, while a rapper will diss-a-peer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz38et/whats_the_difference_between_a_magician_and_a/
%
3 guys were on a plane

Three guys were on a plane to try skydiving. The 1st guy throws an apple and jumps out. He lands to find a child crying. He asks the child what was wrong.
The child says "an apple came from the sky an hit me on the head" the man apologises
The second guy throws a banana and jumps. When he lands theres a woman whos upset. He asks what was wrong.
She tells him that she slipped on a banana peel and fell. So he apologises as well.
The third guy throws a bomb and jumps. When he lands there is a guy laughing his ass off. When the third guy inquires as to whats so funny he is told
"I came out to grab my morning paper, when I bent over I farted and my house blew up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz387k/3_guys_were_on_a_plane/
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How do you kill 50 flies at once?

Hit a Somalian child in the face with a shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz34ia/how_do_you_kill_50_flies_at_once/
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NSFW: Whats the difference between santa and jews?

Santa comes down the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz2zt7/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_santa_and_jews/
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The police were called to a daycare!

a 4-year-old was resisting *a rest*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz2p2b/the_police_were_called_to_a_daycare/
%
I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said: "Turn left here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz2ku6/i_was_in_a_taxi_today_and_the_driver_said_i_love/
%
I have been sexually active since 12...

It's 12:15 and my hand is killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz2kgz/i_have_been_sexually_active_since_12/
%
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog stand

The monk says “Make me one with everything.”
The vendor says that’ll be $3.50. The monk asks for change, to which the vendor replies
“Change comes from within.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz2kep/a_buddhist_monk_walks_up_to_a_hot_dog_stand/
%
The worst thing about autocorrect

It always makes me put words I didn't Nintendo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz2hun/the_worst_thing_about_autocorrect/
%
I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician.

I was just sat there doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz2g7f/i_cant_believe_i_was_arrested_for_impersonating_a/
%
Anal insertions are not my favourite.

But they are right up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz2eun/anal_insertions_are_not_my_favourite/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forwards, they would still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz2cru/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_into_the_water/
%
A bloke heads down to a pet shop in search of an animal to give him some company as he gets lonely at home.

He didn't have many friends and wanted a pet to give him purpose. The bloke walks into the pet shop and gets greeted by the cashier
"Good afternoon sir what can I help you with today?"
"I've come to look for a pet to keep me company" The bloke replies.
"Well then I've got just the thing for you" said the cashier.
He takes from under the counter a little matchbox.. "inside here is a talking caterpillar and today you can have it for just £50"
"What a bargain" the bloke replies. He hands him 50 quid and takes the match box home.
When he arrives home he can't wait to ask the caterpillar if he'd like to go out and do something with him. He puts the match box on the table, knocks on the top and out comes the caterpillar!
"Alright mate do you want to go down the pub for a few pints?!" Says the bloke.
The caterpillar looks up him and goes back into the box.
Half an hour later the bloke tried again, he knocks on the matchbox and out comes the caterpillar.
"Alright mate do you want to go to the pub for a few pints?!"
Again, the caterpillar looks up at him and goes back into the box.
Confused the man wonders whether he should get some sort of refund for this shit!
An hour later he tries one more time - he knocks on the matchbox and out comes the caterpillar..
"Alright mate, I'm going to try one more time.. do you want you to come down the pub for a few pints?!
To which the caterpillar replies
"Yeah alright mate I heard you the first time! I've been putting my fucking shoes on"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz2bz6/a_bloke_heads_down_to_a_pet_shop_in_search_of_an/
%
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz2ayu/its_a_five_minute_walk_from_my_house_to_the_pub/
%
When 3 people have sex it’s called a threesome. When 2 people have sex it’s called a twosome.

They still call me handsome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz29uz/when_3_people_have_sex_its_called_a_threesome/
%
Give a man a plane ticket, he'll fly for a day. Push him out of a flying plane,

he'll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz20tx/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_hell_fly_for_a_day_push/
%
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a martini.

The bartender immediately launches in a long bizarre story about a rooster his parents owned as a child. "What's with the story about the chicken?" the exasperated guy asks. "Oh, I'm sorry," the bartender apologizes. "I thought you asked for a cock tale."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz20l0/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_martini/
%
So turns out dumbledore was gay

Brings a whole new meaning to his title of “headmaster”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz1xy9/so_turns_out_dumbledore_was_gay/
%
Two Florida men are hunting wild boar in the woods...

They come across a boar with it's head stuck in the knothole of a tree.  The first Florida man says, "Hey y'all, watch this" and walks over the boar, unzips his pants, and fucks the boar in the ass.  When he's done he says "Okay, it's your turn, buddy."
The second Florida man says, "Okay, but help me move the boar so I can get my head into the hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz1x6x/two_florida_men_are_hunting_wild_boar_in_the_woods/
%
An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’
I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child.
“So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story.
I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.
He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went bang bang.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor.
The old man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz1v0w/an_old_man_went_to_his_doctor_for_his_quarterly/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just opened a pioneering business," the guy says.

"So, what do you actually do?" the bartender asks. "I just told you," the guy replies. "I sell pie and earrings."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz1ufy/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer_i_just/
%
"Hey, I borrowed your car yesterday and I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"
"The air bags worked perfectly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz1j3r/hey_i_borrowed_your_car_yesterday_and_i_have_good/
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What's the similarity between a woman in Saudi Arabia and a woman in Amsterdam ?

They both get stoned after sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz1i3s/whats_the_similarity_between_a_woman_in_saudi/
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My Family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldn't stop cold turkey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz1fzo/my_family_asked_me_to_stop_telling_thanksgiving/
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A guy is sitting in a bar, drinking heavily...

Suddenly he throws up down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you come home and your wife asks you about the stain, you tell her that a random drunkard puked all over you, but felt so bad that he gave you money for the dry-cleaning."
"That's brilliant, thank you so much for the advice!", the man said, and excitedly exited the bar. When he finally gets home his wife is outraged, but the man calms her down and explains how it was another man who puked on him and gave him 20 dollars for the dry-cleaning of the shirt. "But why is there 40 dollars in your pocket, then?", the wife asks.
"Well sadly he also shit in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz1ey1/a_guy_is_sitting_in_a_bar_drinking_heavily/
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I accidentally swallowed my tippex instead of my liquid viagra

Now I have a big correction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz0xaf/i_accidentally_swallowed_my_tippex_instead_of_my/
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A nihilist, a socialist and a Marxist walks in to a bar and order drinks

"We don't serve alcohol to anyone under 18" says the bartender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz0ma7/a_nihilist_a_socialist_and_a_marxist_walks_in_to/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz0ic0/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_whos_afraid/
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I'm starting a group for people who cannot climax.

Let me know if you cant come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz0eyy/im_starting_a_group_for_people_who_cannot_climax/
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A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she ever held.

But I know she was just pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz0e3l/a_blind_prostitute_told_me_i_had_the_biggest_dick/
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I like my women like I like my coffee...

***BURNT***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz0aef/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dz06ir/i_own_the_chewed_pencil_that_shakespeare_used_to/
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Timmy and Sally were at a school dance.......

At the dance Timmy and Sally sat on opposites sides of the hall. Timmy with the boys and Sally with the girls.
They were both born with genetic disorders.
* Timmy was born without a left eye but he wore a wooden prosthetic in its place.
* Sally was born with a cleft palate, the corrective surgery had left Sally with a large vertical scar between her nose and lip.
Despite their deformities, it appeared they were fond of each other. They continuously smiled at each other from across the room.
After some encouragement from the other boys Timmy made his way over to Sally.  Sally looked excited.
Timmy: Would you like to dance with me?
Sally: Would I?
Timmy: What? Fuck you cuntface!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyzs31/timmy_and_sally_were_at_a_school_dance/
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The ultimate challenge: Climb Mount Everest, reach the summit, ...

... and tell no one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyzqz4/the_ultimate_challenge_climb_mount_everest_reach/
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Oh deer

Q: What do you call a blind deer?
A: No eye deer
Q:What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
A: Still no eye deer
Q: What do you call a blind deer with no eyes, no legs, and no reproductive organs?
A: Still no fucking eye deer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyziei/oh_deer/
%
A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.

The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened.
Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am?
Motorist: What's an ID?
Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it.
The motorist digs around her purse and pulls out a mirror. The cop takes it, thoroughly examines it, and hands it back to the motorist, saying:
"OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyzi0k/a_blonde_cop_is_patrolling_the_highway_when_she/
%
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills...

and for some reason she told me to "urinate on a skeleton"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyzhsi/i_asked_my_wife_to_rate_my_listening_skills/
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What do you call someone who tells you that you must see the new Star Wars series?

A Mandatorian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyz8s6/what_do_you_call_someone_who_tells_you_that_you/
%
Job interview for a TV news anchor

At a job interview for a TV news anchor an applicant seems very qualified and well suited for the job. But the recruiters notice an uncontrolled wink in the man's right eye. They tell him that he'd be great for the job if it wasn't for the frequent winking, which probably won't go down well with the audience.
The man replies: "Don't worry about that! I'll just take an Aspirin before the broadcast and it won't be an issue!"
The recruiters agree to a test reading that same night.
Later, the man sits behind his news desk when the announcement is heard: "Going live in 15 minutes."
He takes his backpack and starts looking for an Aspirin, but first removes HUGE amounts of condoms from his pack until he finds it.
Apart from that, all goes well and he has to go back to the recruiters afterwards, who are very satisfied with his job. They agree to hire him, but can't resist the urge to ask, why he brought so many condoms in his backpack.
He replies: "You should try buying some aspirin at the pharmacy with that winking eye..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyz4j6/job_interview_for_a_tv_news_anchor/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyz393/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
Today I went to a support group for premature ejaculation.

Turns out they meet tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyz1us/today_i_went_to_a_support_group_for_premature/
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At a wedding last week, my wife said: ‘Isn’t the bride beautiful?‘ When I responded by saying, ‘Yeah, but her blowjobs aren’t half as good as yours‘, she got all pissed off.

Women — they can’t take a compliment!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyz16k/at_a_wedding_last_week_my_wife_said_isnt_the/
%
What are Mario's favourite jeans to wear?

*Denim Denim Denim*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyyp2y/what_are_marios_favourite_jeans_to_wear/
%
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient:

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyyc1o/dentist_this_will_hurt_a_little_patient/
%
A friend from school came to visit my parents farm. He saw their horse and asked if he could go for a ride. The horse had no saddle so I asked, "You going to ride bareback?"

He replied, "I just want to ride, I don't care what the horse's name is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyya0m/a_friend_from_school_came_to_visit_my_parents/
%
I went to my retro themed grad party last year...

It was a stereotypical grad party themed around the days of old. Everyone wore old clothes and had classic American food. The music was old too
First was the "Twist", and only a few people were dancing on the floor
The next song was "Jump" and the majority of the people were jumping around having a good time
Finally was "Come on Eileen" and we all got kicked out of the gym.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyy2q2/i_went_to_my_retro_themed_grad_party_last_year/
%
For all you men dreaming of elaborate ways of hooking up with an Instagram model, all it took me was a good dinner date....

Just some food for thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyy1qj/for_all_you_men_dreaming_of_elaborate_ways_of/
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Stop treating your wife so bad. If she was perfect...

she wouldn't have married you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyy1el/stop_treating_your_wife_so_bad_if_she_was_perfect/
%
A man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied, "I'd take half and leave you".
"Great!", he said.  "I just won 12 bucks, so here's 6.  Stay in touch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyxxlo/a_man_asked_his_wife_what_would_you_do_if_i_won/
%
My friends told me I could never milk a unicorn

After searching for 30 years, I finally found one, and milked it.
It was Legend Dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyxwyh/my_friends_told_me_i_could_never_milk_a_unicorn/
%
Thanks to chip readers strangers are always offering sexual advice

Go ahead and insert it, It’s not in far enough, Put it in again, Pull it out, You pulled it out too soon,It works better if you hold it in there, It’s taking a little longer today than usual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyxvhb/thanks_to_chip_readers_strangers_are_always/
%
I had a dream of an ocean of orange soda

It was a Fanta sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyxs4c/i_had_a_dream_of_an_ocean_of_orange_soda/
%
A newly hired operations manager spends a week with the outgoing operations manager in order to learn his new duties and responsibilities.

As the outgoing manager gets ready to leave for good, he tells the new manager that he has placed three numbered envelopes in the top drawer of the desk. He tells the new manager that each time he runs into a crisis that he cannot solve to open an envelope, starting with the first one, and follow the instructions inside.
For the first couple of months, everything seemed to be moving smoothly for the new manager until some issues with production developed and his division began to underperform. Trying to figure out what to do, he went to the envelopes and opened the first one. The note inside said: "Blame everything on your predecessor since he's gone and isn't here to defend himself." So the new manager blames the present problems on the previous operations manager and everything works out.
About a year into the job, something causes the poducts to have defects which then causes a dip in sales for the company. Not knowing how to solve this problem, the manager goes to his desk and opens the second envelope. The note says: "Reorganize." So the manager reorganizes his division and the company recovers.
Another year goes by when a shortage of raw materials causes the cost of production to sky rocket and the manager can no longer stay on budget while meeting his production quota. Unable to think of a solution, he goes and opens the third and final envelope. In it was a note with instructions that read: "Prepare three envelopes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyxqr8/a_newly_hired_operations_manager_spends_a_week/
%
Nsfw. Jesus n Moses are walking down the beach comparing powers. Moses goes to Jesus, "Check this out." He faces the ocean n parts it clear down the middle. Jesus with a smirk, "ok ok, put it back n watch this."..

Jesus begins to walk out on the water and starts to sink. Jesus walks back n says to Moses "I don't get it, I can usually walk on water." Moses, laughing. "Probably because you got them holes in your feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyxd04/nsfw_jesus_n_moses_are_walking_down_the_beach/
%
Why do American schools start so early?

Sun’s out guns out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyx8ig/why_do_american_schools_start_so_early/
%
I'm so sick of deaf people

They never listen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dywu5m/im_so_sick_of_deaf_people/
%
Good Old Vine

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.
Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.
Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blue long sleeve shirt and jeans.
Detective 2: He was found next to a smashed cell phone and skateboard that had been stomped in half.
Police Cheif: Did you get a good look at his face for an ID match?
Detective 2: Well, that's the thing sir.
Detective 1: The victim had been decapitated.
Police Cheif: So, no head?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dywiuq/good_old_vine/
%
I made a grave mistake asking a customer if he preferred smoking or non-smoking.

Apparently, the correct term is "cremation" and "burial".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyweti/i_made_a_grave_mistake_asking_a_customer_if_he/
%
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?

You can’t see in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dywa7t/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
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My sister always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator.

I guess...we are raised differently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyw0qs/my_sister_always_takes_the_stairs_but_i_prefer/
%
Is buttcheeks one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyw0qe/is_buttcheeks_one_word/
%
As a metal worker, I always get blamed for passing gas....

Because whoever smelt it, dealt it.
I came up with this while welding a base for a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyvvx4/as_a_metal_worker_i_always_get_blamed_for_passing/
%
I dropped my pie on the apartment stairs

Now it’s some where between three and four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyvt39/i_dropped_my_pie_on_the_apartment_stairs/
%
A husband and wife are being tested at their local hospital.

It’s been roughly a week and the husband calls the hospital asking for the test results. The doctor replies,
“Ah yes. We have concluded that your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s.”
The husband in a panic asks,”So what do I do?”
The doctor simply says,“Take her on a car ride then drop her off about 2 miles from home. If she finds her way back, don’t fuck her!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyvrn3/a_husband_and_wife_are_being_tested_at_their/
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An Integer walks to a String and asks for its number

String replies, "Sorry, you're not my type."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyvqde/an_integer_walks_to_a_string_and_asks_for_its/
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The idea that we can convert a dog's age to human years by multiplying by 7 is a total myth.

You multiply by 9/5 and add 32. It’s the muttric conversion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyvoyo/the_idea_that_we_can_convert_a_dogs_age_to_human/
%
Why couldn't the chicken cross the road?

He got cock blocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyvavp/why_couldnt_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
How do frogs die?

They Kermit suicide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyvara/how_do_frogs_die/
%
My wife complains I never buy her flowers..

I didn't even know she sold flowers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyv88h/my_wife_complains_i_never_buy_her_flowers/
%
Do Ewoks shit in the woods?

No, they have Endor plumbing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyv85e/do_ewoks_shit_in_the_woods/
%
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off the van and proceeds to whip the girl until they bothcollapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctortakes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"  The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring......You've got the worst case of VAN AERIAL DISEASE that I've ever seen !!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyv6gx/a_young_couple_were_making_passionate_love_in_the/
%
My mom called me saying there were a couple of guys outside her home saying they have a plumbing fixture to drop off.

“They’re not trying to rob me?” she asked.
“No, it’s a gift from Uncle Bill to make up for all the mean things he did to you in the past.” I replied.
“Wait, after all these years, he’s actually trying to be nice to somebody? That’s an unexpected transformation! Our relationship might well change if I agree to take it!”
“Yeah!  Let that sink in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyv2ua/my_mom_called_me_saying_there_were_a_couple_of/
%
Some people are like slinkies

Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face
When you push them down the stairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyv280/some_people_are_like_slinkies/
%
There was a man, and he loved tractors.

He'd ride tractors, own 10's of tractors, read about tractors, they were his life. One day however, his wife got fed up with his obsession and left him over it.
He decides to kick his obsession to win his wife back, so over the course of a few months, he succeeds. He calls up his wife and says "Hey, I got over my obsession. Do you want to get back together?"
The wife agrees and they go out to a bar to celebrate. They were having a great time until suddenly, the bat catches fire. Everyone immediately starts to get out of the bar.
The man however, stays in the bar, turns to the fire and starts to inhale all the smoke coming from it. His wife turns to him and says "What are you doing!? We have to get out of here!"
The man turns to his wife and says "Don't worry. I'm an ex-tractor fan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyv1hx/there_was_a_man_and_he_loved_tractors/
%
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyv16u/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
My 6 year old and I were at the store and he saw a woman with large breasts and he yelled “Dad, look at those big boobies!!” I whispered to him, “It’s not polite to say boobies, it might embarrass her”.

He thought for a minute and yelled “Dad, look at those chest cheeks!!”
(True story, that’s my boy)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyv0zz/my_6_year_old_and_i_were_at_the_store_and_he_saw/
%
I tried to train 8 baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyuyqs/i_tried_to_train_8_baby_cows_to_drink_coffee/
%
My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison...

He's never going to finish his sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyuvco/my_uncle_with_a_stutter_was_recently_sent_to/
%
I completely lost my sex drive.

Which is pretty bad, because I didn't make a backup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyuujb/i_completely_lost_my_sex_drive/
%
Bill Gates now richer than Jeff Bezos

Now he can look down on Amazon from his Windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyutka/bill_gates_now_richer_than_jeff_bezos/
%
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyukfj/a_blonde_mom_is_cooking_dinner_when_her_blonde/
%
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.

That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyujna/if_you_ever_become_depressed_try_drinking_a/
%
If a child refuses to take a nap...

Is he resisting arrest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyugr7/if_a_child_refuses_to_take_a_nap/
%
George Michael would make a pretty good Fremen.

Guilty feet have got no rhythm.
^^^^^Yes ^^^^^I ^^^^^am ^^^^^a ^^^^^complete ^^^^^nerd, ^^^^^stop ^^^^^looking ^^^^^at ^^^^^me ^^^^^like ^^^^^that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyudtn/george_michael_would_make_a_pretty_good_fremen/
%
I failed algebra class...

Now i'll have to suffer the aftermath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyu0bz/i_failed_algebra_class/
%
What do you call a criminal that talks down to you and that is going downstairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyu068/what_do_you_call_a_criminal_that_talks_down_to/
%
Three Wishes

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dytxgs/three_wishes/
%
My dad always bragged to us about his three pound shits

He was always so full of crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dytq9y/my_dad_always_bragged_to_us_about_his_three_pound/
%
Why buy Netflix, Hulu, or Disney plus when you can go on pornhub

its, hands down, the best "up and coming" streaming service

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dytowh/why_buy_netflix_hulu_or_disney_plus_when_you_can/
%
I asked my mom "how many is a couple?" She said, "two or three."

That would explain why her marriage collapsed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dytn5q/i_asked_my_mom_how_many_is_a_couple_she_said_two/
%
What does a redditor say when someone is coughing at him in the bus?

"Thanks for the cold, kind stranger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dytey8/what_does_a_redditor_say_when_someone_is_coughing/
%
My wife talked to me, about what to name our twin daughters, yesterday. I replied Kate, and the other one?

DupliKate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dytcb2/my_wife_talked_to_me_about_what_to_name_our_twin/
%
I went to a beestore to buy bees

The shopkeeper gave me 13 instead of the 12, I requested.
When I asked him what the last one was for.
He told me it was a *freebie*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyt9l9/i_went_to_a_beestore_to_buy_bees/
%
Justice is best served cold

Because if it was served warm, it would become just water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyt8i8/justice_is_best_served_cold/
%
I'm not a mute

and that's more than some people can say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyt12g/im_not_a_mute/
%
I got my girlfriend a “Get better soon” card.

She’s not ill or anything, but she could definitely get better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyt0a2/i_got_my_girlfriend_a_get_better_soon_card/
%
What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree?

Doctor Who

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dysrwj/what_do_you_call_a_dr_seuss_character_with_a/
%
A brother asks his sister to marry him...

She replies, "if you incest".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dysrk6/a_brother_asks_his_sister_to_marry_him/
%
TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyslfa/til_a_gooses_beak_is_composed_of_4_elements/
%
Why are redditors bad demolitionists?

They never expect things to blow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dysgwy/why_are_redditors_bad_demolitionists/
%
Sex through the ages.

20s-30s: tri-weekly
30s-40s: try weekly
40s-50s: try weakly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dysfhd/sex_through_the_ages/
%
What’s Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?

One Inch Punch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dys9bz/whats_bruce_lees_favorite_drink/
%
My wife made a list of all my flaws.

1. I don’t listen
2. Some other things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dys7jp/my_wife_made_a_list_of_all_my_flaws/
%
An optimist lost his footing and fell off the top of a tall building

A man on the 18th floor saw it right as it happened.  As the optimist was plunging towards certain death, the man calls out “hows it going?”, to which the optimist replied “so far, so good!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dys4r6/an_optimist_lost_his_footing_and_fell_off_the_top/
%
Your Honor

I once went golfing. I couldn't even get par in a single hole, until I found this magical frog! It was sparkly, and when I picked it up, I felt a warm spike through my spine. All of a sudden, I hole-in-oned the rest of the holes. It was a lucky frog. It spoke to me, and said, "Go gamble!" Luckily, I was in Las Vegas, so I went to Big Al's Casino. I won so much money that I had no idea what to do with it. The frog told me to get a hotel room, and then kiss her. When we kissed, all of a sudden, she became a fifteen year-old girl! And that, your honor, is why she was in my room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dys43e/your_honor/
%
The Desert, a Camel, and Chapped Lips

A man is trekking across the Arabian desert with a guide and his camel.
After some time walking through the blistering heat and blowing sand, the man began to notice his lips were getting chapped.  Not to be deterred, the man pushed forward, wetting his own lips with his tongue.  As time went on his chapped lips grew more painful.  He realized it was only getting worse and he needed actual treatment.  So he asked his guide, who only spoke broken English, "do you have any chapstick" as he motioned to his lips.  The guide is sharp, and knew exactly what the man is asking and how to fix it.  So the guide walks to the back of the camel, lifts up its tail, takes his index finger, swirls it around the camels anus, then wipes it all over his lips.
The man, flabbergasted, asks the guide, "Wow, that's really disgusting!  How does it work?"
To which the guide says "Keeps you from licking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyry24/the_desert_a_camel_and_chapped_lips/
%
The crippled man covered his bald spot

He put on his handy cap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyrujs/the_crippled_man_covered_his_bald_spot/
%
A new teacher

was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyrtol/a_new_teacher/
%
How are dicks and rubik's cubes similar?

They get harder the more you play with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyrjrs/how_are_dicks_and_rubiks_cubes_similar/
%
How can you tell if your roommate's gay?

If his dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyrije/how_can_you_tell_if_your_roommates_gay/
%
It's kind of stupid, we're trying to turn plants into burgers.

Haven't cows being doing that for like, forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyr3lv/its_kind_of_stupid_were_trying_to_turn_plants/
%
A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch one day, resting after finishing his tasks with his dog at his feet.

A man in a suit approaches the farmer, greets him warmly, and the farmer greets him in turn.  The man notices the dog lying at the farmer's feet and smiles at the pooch.
"Can I talk to your dog?"  The man asks.  The farmer gives him an odd look but shrugs.
"Dog don't talk, but whatever," he replies.
"How are you doing, dog?"  The man questions.
"Doing pretty good," the dog answers to the utter shock of the farmer.  "My master takes me on three walks a day, lets me run in the field, and feeds me every day.  I have a good life here."  The man smiles.  He then notices a horse who had trotted over to see what was going on.
"Can I talk to your horse?"  The man asks again.  The farmer is still skeptical.
"Horse don't talk, but whatever," the farmer answered again.
"How are you doing, horse?"  The man queries.
"Doing really good!"  The horse answers enthusiastically.  The farmer's jaw has gone slack.  "My master feeds me every day and lets me from the stables at dawn and dusk to run and stretch my legs."  The man nods his head.  He looks around and spots a sheep grazing nearby.
"Can I talk to your sheep?"  The man asks.
"THAT SHEEP IS A FOOKIN' LIAR!"  The farmer shouts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyqyh1/a_scottish_farmer_is_sitting_on_his_front_porch/
%
I like jokes about eyes.

The cornea the better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyqwpb/i_like_jokes_about_eyes/
%
Do you know what has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyqtat/do_you_know_what_has_9_arms_and_sucks/
%
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite jokes

But they’re a solid number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyql26/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite_jokes/
%
Doctor to post-op male patient: "We accidentally amputated your dick."

Patient: "WTF?!"
Doctor: "Ma'am, you need to calm down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyqjow/doctor_to_postop_male_patient_we_accidentally/
%
Frodo and Sam were sitting outside, observing an insect.

Neither of them were quite sure what kind of insect it was. "Is it a mosquito?", said Frodo, to which Sam replied "No Mister Frodo, I think it's some kind of bee?". They then saw Gandalf walking by, and they asked him whether he possibly knew what kind of insect it was. He looked at the insect for only a moment, before replying "Fly, you fools".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyqfm1/frodo_and_sam_were_sitting_outside_observing_an/
%
What kind of food ruins a woman’s sex drive?

Wedding cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyqcm9/what_kind_of_food_ruins_a_womans_sex_drive/
%
If I drop anything, I have to ask someone else to pick it up for me.

I recently got an envelope in the mail that said "Do Not Bend!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyq9ge/if_i_drop_anything_i_have_to_ask_someone_else_to/
%
I got tired of being the polite Canadian in the group that always says "Excuse me" when he burps sneezes or yawns, so I've been trying out something a little different. Now it's "Achoo!...

, Fuck You!"
...and New Yorkers have been treating me way better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyq56n/i_got_tired_of_being_the_polite_canadian_in_the/
%
What do you call a professor that eats his students?

Hannibal Lecturer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyq136/what_do_you_call_a_professor_that_eats_his/
%
Im thinking of taking a job as a crowd estimator of sporting events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dypzm7/im_thinking_of_taking_a_job_as_a_crowd_estimator/
%
Saw an idiot on a treadmill in the gym...

They just put their water bottle in the pringles can holder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dypzij/saw_an_idiot_on_a_treadmill_in_the_gym/
%
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it must have been those pricks at the Post Office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyps4y/there_was_a_man_who_worked_for_the_post_office/
%
Today is international men's day AND world toilet day.

I'm celebrating both by leaving the toilet seat up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dypqf7/today_is_international_mens_day_and_world_toilet/
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What is Harry Potter's preferred method of going down a hill?

Walking.
JK Rowling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dypkfr/what_is_harry_potters_preferred_method_of_going/
%
What’s the best way to deal with kids with ADHD?

Send them to a concentration camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dypft7/whats_the_best_way_to_deal_with_kids_with_adhd/
%
Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while I’m 10 years old listening from the porch.

This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and he’s mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man what’s got him down.
The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens his briefcase and out pops a tiny person about a foot tall that begins to play his miniature piano.
Of course the bartender is amazed and is just about to ask where he found this little guy but is cut off by the man who informs him that there’s a genie outside his bar granting people wishes for free.
The bartender sprints outside but comes right back only minutes later followed by an army of quacking ducks that fill the whole place.
Angrily, the bartender says to the first man that the genie has: “ Gotta be deaf man! I ask for a million bucks and get a million ducks...”
First man says “ Bro, you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dypdgg/best_joke_i_have_still_ever_overheard_dad_to_his/
%
Why should you never answer an Egyptian telemarketer?

They will try and get you in on their pyramid schemes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dypbud/why_should_you_never_answer_an_egyptian/
%
Firefighters go to rescue a woman from an upper floor of a burning apartment building.

The firefighters say look, we have two ways to get you out. We have this new technology that allows us to form a fireproof slide that can take you down the stairs. Or, you can just come out the window with us and go down the way we've always done it.
The lady says, "The former seems interesting, but I think I'll choose the ladder."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dypbgl/firefighters_go_to_rescue_a_woman_from_an_upper/
%
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyox44/i_loaned_my_girlfriend_100_sometime_soon_after_we/
%
I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.

I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyoii3/ive_developed_an_irrational_fear_of_escalators/
%
A man in overalls sits down at a bar

and orders a glass of champagne.  The lady next to him says to him: "not to many people come in here wearing overalls and orders a glass of champagne."
The man says, "I'm a chicken farmer and today I'm celebrating." The lady said "What a coincidence, so am I. What are you celebrating?"
The man smiles and says that for years his hens at the chicken farm has been struggling to produce fertilized eggs. The lady replies to the man, "What a coincidence, so have I. My husband has been trying to have a child and after several failed attempts, I'm happy to tell him that I'm finally pregnant. If you don't mind me asking, how did you get your chickens to start producing fertilized eggs?"
The man says,"Well, I replaced cocks." and the lady replies, "What a coincidence so did I"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyobxs/a_man_in_overalls_sits_down_at_a_bar/
%
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?

To kill some time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyo4zo/why_did_the_man_bring_a_gun_to_the_clock_factory/
%
Anal is like getting your first car

You don't really want it, but your dad gave it to you anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dynhnk/anal_is_like_getting_your_first_car/
%
What does a pussy and chainsaw have in common?

You miss by few inches and you're in deep shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dynh5n/what_does_a_pussy_and_chainsaw_have_in_common/
%
Breaking news: Philadelphia Cream Cheese's New Ad Slams Competitor Brand's product!

It's just a regular smear campaign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dymvyn/breaking_news_philadelphia_cream_cheeses_new_ad/
%
Welcome to Tony's Abortion Clinic and Pizzeria

Where yesterday's loss is todays sauce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dymux6/welcome_to_tonys_abortion_clinic_and_pizzeria/
%
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A90 near Boston recently

Initially there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.
However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist from Harvard to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dympm4/the_highways_agency_found_over_200_dead_crows_on/
%
A farmer who owned 67 sheep asked me to round them up

I said, “Sure, 70.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dymlz2/a_farmer_who_owned_67_sheep_asked_me_to_round/
%
Why do smart people like to use big words?

It makes them sound more photosynthesis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dymgm9/why_do_smart_people_like_to_use_big_words/
%
Did you hear about the man who invented the escalator?

He was mechanically inclined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dymglu/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_invented_the/
%
A girl uses chemicals to remove the polish, and it's fine.

I use chemicals to remove the Polish, and I'm suddenly a nazi?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyma4m/a_girl_uses_chemicals_to_remove_the_polish_and/
%
A man in the desert rents out a camel to ride on.

The rental guy asks, “Have you ever ridden one of these?”
The man replies, “No.”
“It’s simple. If you say Woah, it will walk. If you say Woah Woah, it will run. If you say Woah Woah Woah, it will run so fast you have to pray to god to stop.”
The man hops on the camel and says “Woah.”  It starts walking. He says “Woah Woah.” It runs. He says “Woah Woah Woah.” The camel runs so fast the man has to pray to god to stop.
Now it’s a good thing he did that because the camel stopped right at the edge of a cliff. The man looked down the ravine with wide eyes and said “Woah!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dym95a/a_man_in_the_desert_rents_out_a_camel_to_ride_on/
%
Today i got a memo from the HR for sexual harassment..

All that happened was a female co-worker came wearing a t-shirt with the caption "GUESS"
So i said " might be 32C " ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dym7d3/today_i_got_a_memo_from_the_hr_for_sexual/
%
Did you hear they aren't going to make yard sticks any longer.

They're not going to make them any shorter either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dym4py/did_you_hear_they_arent_going_to_make_yard_sticks/
%
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

See you again in a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dym21h/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
%
I came out of Asda earlier and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money that she’d been saving for months. I felt so sorry for her i gave her £50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found £2000 in the car park.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dym0kk/i_came_out_of_asda_earlier_and_there_was_a_woman/
%
Redditors are like olive oil

Most are extra virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dylzxi/redditors_are_like_olive_oil/
%
It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.

He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.
“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”
He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.
“Shit!”
He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground.
“This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!”
When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses.
“Shit, this is going to be a long crawl home!”
It’s a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp.
As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him.
“Honey, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and...”
“Yeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dylu6r/its_1_in_the_morning_and_a_drunk_bar_patron/
%
A man says to his doctor... (Barry Cryer's wife's favourite joke)

A man says to his doctor "I think my wife is going deaf, but I don't want to mention it as it'll be tactless and insensitive.  Is there any way I can gauge it, preferably without her knowing?"
The doctor replies "There is, it's quite easy, choose a moment when she has her back to you, say something in a normal voice and if she doesn't answer, move a little nearer and say it again and you'll get an idea about her hearing"
So when he comes home from work, his wife is standing with her back to him in the kitchen.  He says "What's for dinner love?" but gets no answer.
He moves in a little closer "What's for dinner love?" again, no response
moves in again "What's for dinner love?" - nothing.
By now he's right behind her, he says again "What's for dinner love?"
She turns round and says "For the fourth time - chicken!!"
(stolen from the Edinburgh Fringe RHLSTP interview with Barry Cryer)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyllvx/a_man_says_to_his_doctor_barry_cryers_wifes/
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What happened to the cannibal that showed up late for BBQ?

He got the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dylkzj/what_happened_to_the_cannibal_that_showed_up_late/
%
What is the easiest way for a Rockstar to gain karma?

Repost Malone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dylix4/what_is_the_easiest_way_for_a_rockstar_to_gain/
%
My favourite joke from my dad

A guy loves telling jokes about Scandinavians.
One day, his friend tells him, "You need to stop making jokes about Scandinavians. You're coming across as racist."
"Well, what kind of jokes should I tell instead?" asks the first guy.
"Tell jokes about generically ethnic people. That way, no one will be offended."
"All right."
A few days later, the first guy tells his friend, "Hey, I have my first 'generic ethnic' joke!"
"Awesome," says the friend. "Let's hear it!"
"So there are two generically ethnic guys named Lars and Sven....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dylig8/my_favourite_joke_from_my_dad/
%
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater

I thought it was a nice jester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dylhte/went_to_see_the_joker_last_night_and_some_guy/
%
A young man is taking a driver's test

Instructor: Last question, you see a child and an old man walking across the road. What do you hit?
Young man: I guess I would hit the old man, since the child has his whole life ahead of him, right?
Instructor: Uh, no, you would hit the brakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dylh32/a_young_man_is_taking_a_drivers_test/
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Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster until the train derailed and killed one person. Bob was taken to trial and was found guilty of murder, sentenced to death by electric chair.
Now Happytown was no ordinary town. They strongly believed in religion. This caused the town’s special rule: if a person survives the electric chair for fifteen minutes straight, it is considered divine intervention and they are free to go.
So Bob is sent to the electric chair. The executioner offers him his final meal. Bob asks for a single banana. Then, the executioner hooks Bob up to the electric chair and turns it on. Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still alive and well, so he is let go.
Two days later, Bob manages to get his job back as conductor for the Happytown train. Just like before, he decides to see how fast he could go.  He goes faster and faster until the train derails once again, killing two people this time. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by the electric chair.
Bob shows up to the chair and is offered his last meal by the executioner again. This time, Bob asks for two bananas. He eats the bananas and the the executioner turns on the chair. Low and behold, fifteen minutes later, Bob had not yet come even close to death. The executioner let him go and Bob went on his way.
Around a week goes by and Bob manages to get his job back as the conductor (Happytown must have been really desperate for train conductors to hire him once again). Just like the last two times, Bob goes too fast and details the train, killing three people. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by electric chair.
When Bob arrived for his execution, he asked for three bananas for his final meal, but the Executioner recognized him and was annoyed. The executioner told Bob “I’ve had enough of this. I’m not just gonna let you get by murdering people again  and again, so I’m not letting you have your magic bananas that somehow keep you alive.” The executioner then attached Bob to the chair without giving him his bananas and turned the chair on.
Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still sitting there as if nothing is going on. Astounded, the Executioner stares at Bob and exclaims, “How are you doing this?”
Bob replies, “The bananas have nothing to do with it. I’m just a really bad conductor.”
Note: Edited to fix typos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyl8qy/long_joke/
%
In the courtroom, Jesus found a man that could not walk, Jesus asked...

“Have you been involved in an accident that wasn’t your fault?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyl7uf/in_the_courtroom_jesus_found_a_man_that_could_not/
%
If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyl6pj/if_your_phone_auto_corrects_fuck_to_duck_its_okay/
%
A girl was arguing with her boyfriend.

"All my friends tell me stories about how their boyfriends take them for rides with Lamborghini's and Porsche's!" she told him. "Why don't you ever do something like that? You are boring as hell!"
The boy was very upset about this, but there wasn't much he could do. He had no car, no money to buy one and no job to earn money. He told his girlfriend that everything would be alright in a few weeks, he would find a job and get a car and they would go for trips together. The girl didn't believe a word about this, but she felt that she was upsetting him and stopped accusing him.
A few weeks passed. The boy had actually found a job. He had started working at funeral service. One day after work, he texted his girlfriend that he was going to pick her up and that she should get ready. The girl grew curious about this, so she quickly dressed up and started waiting for him.
After a few minutes, a funeral coach arrived and parked in front of the girl's house. The girl was shocked, but then recognized her boyfriend's face, smiling with confidence. He lowered the windows:
- You asked for a car right? So where are we going?
- I don't know... I don't quite like this 'car' of yours.
-  What do you mean you don't like it? People are dying to ride one of these!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyl5k1/a_girl_was_arguing_with_her_boyfriend/
%
What did the leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyl41d/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_hooker/
%
I’ve been dating this blind girl and things have been going pretty good. Recently though I sent her a message in Braille...

It’s been like a week and she’s left me on Felt.
I worry she doesn’t see a future for this relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyky4g/ive_been_dating_this_blind_girl_and_things_have/
%
There’s only one word you need to respond to a raging boomer.

And that’s ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dykxgw/theres_only_one_word_you_need_to_respond_to_a/
%
There are 10 kinds of people...

...those who can extrapolate from missing data and those who mesh and butcher well established jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dykwav/there_are_10_kinds_of_people/
%
How many ears does Captain Picard have?

Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dykl6q/how_many_ears_does_captain_picard_have/
%
"Prince Andrew, did you manage to handle that interview well?"

"Yeah, no sweat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dykiut/prince_andrew_did_you_manage_to_handle_that/
%
Are you a barrier to stop water overflow?

Cus dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dykgfm/are_you_a_barrier_to_stop_water_overflow/
%
What game do NSA employees spend all day playing?

*I spy*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dykg5w/what_game_do_nsa_employees_spend_all_day_playing/
%
“When I was a kid, I thought that everyone would pick one quote to pass on to further generations.

But now I realize that literally anything you say can be your famous quote”
— u/skillplants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dykg5g/when_i_was_a_kid_i_thought_that_everyone_would/
%
What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?

Screw is what my dad did before I was born.
Bolt is what he did after I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyke4l/whats_the_difference_between_a_screw_and_a_bolt/
%
Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance.

So i pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyk2ja/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_check/
%
Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the hell out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyjz51/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
%
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.
Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyjw72/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
%
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.

I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyjvtn/i_decided_to_kill_off_a_few_characters_in_the/
%
In the afterlife, Dictators are lining up in heavens gate to be judged

St. Peter: Ok Stalin, you're next!
Stalin: It's ok Hitler, you can go first!
(After Hitler)
St. Peter: ok,next!
Stalin: Go ahead Saddam!
( after Saddam )
St. Peter: ok,next!
Stalin: Go ahead Marcos!
St. Peter: what's wrong with him?
Marcos: Oh,He's just Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyju2b/in_the_afterlife_dictators_are_lining_up_in/
%
I'll never forget my dad's final words...

"Son, toss me that hatchet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyjtu5/ill_never_forget_my_dads_final_words/
%
I asked a mute girl if she wants to have sex with me. Told her to clap once for "yes", twice for "no".

She said yes yes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyjszd/i_asked_a_mute_girl_if_she_wants_to_have_sex_with/
%
My roommate from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what he’s up to now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyjr6f/my_roommate_from_college_was_obsessed_with_trying/
%
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed after sex.

The chicken leans back, takes a drag on the cigarette and says "well that answers that old question...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyjqqk/a_chicken_and_an_egg_are_lying_in_bed_after_sex/
%
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq

They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyjhwl/i_dialed_a_suicide_hotline_in_iraq/
%
What are bombing instructors in Jihad camps getting tired of hearing?

"Ok Boomer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyjhe7/what_are_bombing_instructors_in_jihad_camps/
%
John had a mistress...

John had a mistress from another country. One day his mistress calls and tells John that she booked a flight and was coming to meet him and spend a day there.
John wakes up early in the next morning and tells his wife that his uncle had passed away. He needed to go to the airport and meet some of the relatives who were attending the funeral.
He drives, picks up the mistress and spends all the day with her fooling around having a good day. After evening, he drives back to the airport and they say goodbye.
John comes back home, puts his most convincing annoyed face up and shouts:
"Those bastards lied to me! It was all a joke. My uncle is fine! I drove for hours for nothing!"
His wife replies with the same annoyance.
"That's so true. Bastards are everywhere nowadays! After you left some bastards broke into the house and said, I either sing or have sex with them!
John asks, with a shaking voice: "You sang right?"
His wife replies: "How could I! Your uncle just died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyj9jq/john_had_a_mistress/
%
What do IKEA and Hong Kong have in common?

No peaceful assembly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyj79x/what_do_ikea_and_hong_kong_have_in_common/
%
What to use if you want to count the amount of meth grams in your body?

Methmatics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyj5uv/what_to_use_if_you_want_to_count_the_amount_of/
%
I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso

I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyj4u7/i_used_to_have_an_excessive_amount_of_hair_on_my/
%
I like my movies as I like my rum

pirated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyj4jg/i_like_my_movies_as_i_like_my_rum/
%
What is the requirement to start a pet food business?

A pet-degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyj3bt/what_is_the_requirement_to_start_a_pet_food/
%
You're riding a horse full speed, and there's a giraffe on your left and a lion chasing you from behind, so what do you do?

Get off the carousel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyj218/youre_riding_a_horse_full_speed_and_theres_a/
%
I once had a job in a orange juice factory,

but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyj0xj/i_once_had_a_job_in_a_orange_juice_factory/
%
What do venomous snakes and condoms have in common?

It's better not fucking with either of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyiyrr/what_do_venomous_snakes_and_condoms_have_in_common/
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Many Christians believe that the person who crucified Jesus made a very bad move.

I don't know, 'cos I think he nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyiuuj/many_christians_believe_that_the_person_who/
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I saw a duck high as shit

It was snorting cwack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyity3/i_saw_a_duck_high_as_shit/
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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting
donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyipdo/a_driver_was_stuck_in_a_traffic_jam_on_the/
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How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyiom9/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
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While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
“What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.
“Oh,” said the blonde sympathetically, “that must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyinsd/while_out_one_morning_in_the_park_a_jogger_found/
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What do you call particularly complex stairs?

Stairs with extra steps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyil9r/what_do_you_call_particularly_complex_stairs/
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We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea

It runs in our jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyil36/we_have_a_genetic_predisposition_for_diarrhea/
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What's a promiscuous woman called in Taliban?

Tally Ho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyidcg/whats_a_promiscuous_woman_called_in_taliban/
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Grrr why is it so hard to get a qsn stick in the right way!

Dammit I mean a usb stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyi7h5/grrr_why_is_it_so_hard_to_get_a_qsn_stick_in_the/
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Great news for insomniacs ...

Only 2 more sleeps 'til Christmas  :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyi6q0/great_news_for_insomniacs/
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What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyi3fo/what_did_kermit_the_frog_say_at_jim_hensons/
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I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyi2zv/i_visited_my_friend_at_his_new_house_he_told_me/
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A beggar indeed

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $10 and that continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $7.50. “Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”
A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $5.
“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor. “First you give me $10 every day, then $7,50 and now only $5. What’s the problem?”
“Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went to university. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”
“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.
“Four,” the man replies.
“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyi286/a_beggar_indeed/
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My mate injured his penis in a surfing incident.

He had to shut his laptop quickly when his wife came home unexpectedly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyhs8o/my_mate_injured_his_penis_in_a_surfing_incident/
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.

Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dygnkc/outside_of_a_dog_a_book_is_mans_best_friend/
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What’s the leading cause of death in wizards?

Staff infection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dygk3e/whats_the_leading_cause_of_death_in_wizards/
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Why couldn’t the pasta maker get into his house?

Because he had Gnocchi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dygigi/why_couldnt_the_pasta_maker_get_into_his_house/
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Why'd the jelly cross the road?

to create a traffic jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyggu3/whyd_the_jelly_cross_the_road/
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I once bought a box of animal crackers

It said “Do not eat if the seal is broken”, sure enough.. broken seal, rhino, giraffe, the whole squad. Had to throw the whole thing away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyg80v/i_once_bought_a_box_of_animal_crackers/
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Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?

They checked the reviews.
One star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyg5qo/why_havent_aliens_come_to_our_solar_system/
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no eye deer.What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs, or genitalia? Still no fucking eye deer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyfy38/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
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If you ever feel useless...

...just remember that somewhere in a factory in Germany, it’s someone’s job to install turn signals in BMWs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyfwj5/if_you_ever_feel_useless/
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I have an inferiority complex.

It’s not as good as everybody else’s though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyfk6z/i_have_an_inferiority_complex/
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What's the difference between a sentence and a cat?

A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyf9a8/whats_the_difference_between_a_sentence_and_a_cat/
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A man's looking for a parking space

However, parking is terrible, and the traffic is pouring in. At wit's end, the man turns to God.
"Lord, please, please, help me find a parking spot. I'll stop my drinking, stop my cursing, I'll stop looking at porn- oop, nevermind, here's one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyf95l/a_mans_looking_for_a_parking_space/
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Q: why is Santa’s sack so big?

A: he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyf02d/q_why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
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What’s the worst thing a phone sex operator can get?

Hearing Aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyeou3/whats_the_worst_thing_a_phone_sex_operator_can_get/
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What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyea1d/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
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A doctor was fed up with his job. A patient walked in with a terrible sore on his mouth. He asked the doctor what he should take. The doctor said

“Aleve. The doors over there.”
*(credit: gf)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dye5st/a_doctor_was_fed_up_with_his_job_a_patient_walked/
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Recently moved to China, people keep asking me how it is.

I can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dydxsg/recently_moved_to_china_people_keep_asking_me_how/
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Because the clockwork in the clock tower was being repaired, Big Ben wasn't tolling the hour...

Well, Parliament put an advertisement in the newspaper for someone to ring the bell on the hour.
The first fellow to show up for the position had no arms. In the interview, they asked "How can you hit Big Ben with the striker if you have no arms?"
Not to be stopped by his handicap, he took the interviewer up to the top of the tower and precisely at one o'clock, he ran full speed at the bell and hit it with his face. BONG! Big Ben sounded across London.
Unfortunately, the fellow with no arms was cuncussed, fell out of the tower and died when he landed on the street. The ambulance was called. The bobbies were called. The scene was chaos. The chief of police asked the interviewer if he knew the armless fellow.
"Well, I don't know him personally but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dydxqu/because_the_clockwork_in_the_clock_tower_was/
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The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dydra0/the_secret_to_a_good_love_life_is_finding_a_woman/
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That’s a nice ham you have there.

It would be a shame if someone added an “s” and an “e” to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dydqab/thats_a_nice_ham_you_have_there/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

We better perk up or they’ll think we’re nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dydnq8/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other/
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A son walks to his dad at breakfast

Son: Hey Dad, how's your diarrhea this morning?
Dad: What are you saying, I don't have diarrhea.
Son: Are you sure? Because I heard Mom last night asking you if your shit will ever get hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dydneg/a_son_walks_to_his_dad_at_breakfast/
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So my girlfriend broke up with me. As payback I stole her wheel chair

Guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dydl99/so_my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_as_payback_i/
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A nun walks into a bar

She bought everyone drinks all night.  She told hilarious jokes and even did a one armed handstand while chugging a beer.
She was the best . . . bar nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dydke0/a_nun_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a French hot dog?

A Oui-ner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dydfv4/what_do_you_call_a_french_hot_dog/
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An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father...

...on Take Your Kid to Work day. As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very upset.
Her father asked what was wrong. As staff were gathering around, she sobbed loudly "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyd71v/an_eightyearold_girl_went_to_the_office_with_her/
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Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because in the last fight with 68, 71

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyd3ud/why_was_69_afraid_of_70/
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Why don't ducks tell jokes when they fly?

Because they would quack up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyd30k/why_dont_ducks_tell_jokes_when_they_fly/
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Why is it impossible to find decent poutine in the USA?

Because they left the curds to rot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyd0hn/why_is_it_impossible_to_find_decent_poutine_in/
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My wife just tried to cut off my penis.

Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdeweiner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dycxrg/my_wife_just_tried_to_cut_off_my_penis/
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Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuck line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyci82/why_cant_dyslexics_tell_jokes/
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interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dycfs5/interviewer_what_was_your_last_job/
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50% of parenting

is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dycf6x/50_of_parenting/
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Three pregnant women...

Are sitting in the OBGYN office knitting baby sweaters.
The first woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a small pill. She states "this is folic acid, it's an important vitamin for development of my baby," then resumes her knitting.
The second woman reaches into her purse, pulls out a pill and says "this is a prenatal vitamin, it's important for my baby's health, and my own." She then resumes her knitting.
The third woman takes a pill out of her purse and quietly takes it, then resumes her knitting.
"What is that pill?" Asked the other two women
"Thalidomide. I just fucked up the sleeves on this sweater."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyce4s/three_pregnant_women/
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Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive

but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyc9tb/sucking_someones_finger_is_supposed_to_be/
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What is Vladimir Putin's favorite song?

*Crimea River*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyc721/what_is_vladimir_putins_favorite_song/
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I'm a mean guy

With the standard deviation in character.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyc48p/im_a_mean_guy/
%
Why are gay people always smiling?

Because they can't keep a straight face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dybus5/why_are_gay_people_always_smiling/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks.

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dybtbv/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
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What to vegans and virgins have in common?

They're both staying off the meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dybqr6/what_to_vegans_and_virgins_have_in_common/
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I know that alcohol probably won't solve any of my problems...

But it's worth a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dybebm/i_know_that_alcohol_probably_wont_solve_any_of_my/
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Where'd Sally go when the bomb went off?

In her pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyb7r2/whered_sally_go_when_the_bomb_went_off/
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What type of military vehicle to fish go to war in?

A fish tank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyazx3/what_type_of_military_vehicle_to_fish_go_to_war_in/
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How does the jewish man get his coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyauh2/how_does_the_jewish_man_get_his_coffee/
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I hope death is a woman....

Then I know it will never come for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyatg5/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
What happens when you put ducks in a cement mixer?

You get quacks in the pavement...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyaqej/what_happens_when_you_put_ducks_in_a_cement_mixer/
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Catholic school girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I?m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyaoe2/catholic_school_girls/
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Why are there so many unsolved murders in Alabama?

Because there are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dyakt3/why_are_there_so_many_unsolved_murders_in_alabama/
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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy9xi0/wife_texts_husband_on_a_cold_winter_morning/
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Asian guy walks into a bar

He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy9wlm/asian_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy9orr/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
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The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice....

Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy9fiv/the_potus_donald_trump_is_swept_down_a_flooding/
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PEEING ON MY FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy99t7/peeing_on_my_flowers/
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life is like a game of chess

i dont have a clue how to play chess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy98fr/life_is_like_a_game_of_chess/
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People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy94xt/people_who_call_sex_hotlines_literally_only_want/
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A man is canoeing in the everglades

After spending the day exploring, things look differently then he remembers finding his way back, and realizes he’s lost.
To make matters worse, a large reptilian appears to be swimming under and around his boat as the sun is starting to drop.
At his wits end, he yells “goddammit im lost”
The animal surfaces and says “see that island ahead? Go to around the right hand side of it- If you try to go left of the island, you’ll run into shallow water and a bunch of mangrove roots
Then, follow its contour until the sun is directly to your right- the correct heading will have your compass at about 285 degrees,30 minutes.
300 meters straight ahead from there, you should see your truck.”
Frightened, the man begins paddling hard, but relys on what he’s heard, thinking he’s hallucinating and hearing his subconscious. The crocodilian follows him.
Astoundingly, he sees his truck just as the animal pulls up next to him. Unfortunately, he’s exhausted, and hesitant to hop onto the shore for fear of becoming dinner.
The animal surfaces and says “There you go! See your truck? Have a great night”
The man, now realizing that he was not hallucinating, gasps “Thanks!..... waitaminute. I’ve lived in Florida my whole life but never seen your kind. What kind of alligator are you?”
“You’re very welcome! I’m a Navigator”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy941h/a_man_is_canoeing_in_the_everglades/
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What does Karl Marx, a bus driver and a sous chef at a 5-star restaurant have in common?

Everything, if Marx had his way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy8y97/what_does_karl_marx_a_bus_driver_and_a_sous_chef/
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I am a mean guy.

It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy8mqe/i_am_a_mean_guy/
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What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he’s ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn’t sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk.”
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
“In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is beyond that door.”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life’s wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound……
But, of course, I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk…
(h/t Morris Devereaux)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy8lsq/what_could_possibly_be_making_such_a_seductive/
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When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy8l3l/when_my_wife_suggested_getting_a_white_noise/
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Two penises are robbing a bank...

A vibrator walks in, and one penis says to the other “oh fuck. It’s Robocop”
(Courtesy of Die Antwoord)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy8i78/two_penises_are_robbing_a_bank/
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What's 300m tall and made of custard?

The Trifle Tower
(joke courtesy of my kids)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy8a69/whats_300m_tall_and_made_of_custard/
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What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?

Outlaws are Wanted...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy7tmo/what_is_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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I was planning on taking leftovers from the party.

All my plans were foiled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy7s1w/i_was_planning_on_taking_leftovers_from_the_party/
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Where do cannibals burn their witches?

At the stake house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy7r4m/where_do_cannibals_burn_their_witches/
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A man walks into a bar

He sees that a horse is in a stall right next to the bartender the man, clearly confused, asks the bartender "Why do you have a horse there? What's going on?"
The bartender awnsers "I have a bet going on, whoever makes the horse laughs wins."
The man shrugs and replies "Seems easy enough...". He walks in and makes the horse laugh, much to the surprise of the shocked bartender and the man goes back home.
The next day, the man returns to the same bar, and notices that the horse stall is there. "Same bet?" he asks the bartender, "No this time, you win if you make the horse cry" the bartender replies.
The man nods and walks into the stall, and makes the horse cry.
The bartender is both amazed and shocked. "H-how did you even do that?" he stuttered out. "Easy, I made him laugh by saying I had a bigger dick than him, this time I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy7r1w/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)

Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there
Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy7mtm/dad_hanging_bathroom_scale_on_wall/
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The girl at the Delta check-in desk said, "Window or aisle?"

I replied, "Window or you'll what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy7dpb/the_girl_at_the_delta_checkin_desk_said_window_or/
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A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy7cf0/a_5yearold_brought_a_bag_of_cocaine_to_school_he/
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What do you call extraterrestrials living in Rome?

Italiens!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy78ss/what_do_you_call_extraterrestrials_living_in_rome/
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Do you know why I buy my pistols from a T-Rex?

He’s my small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy787n/do_you_know_why_i_buy_my_pistols_from_a_trex/
%
What did the princess get for her birthday?

Peasants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy74iw/what_did_the_princess_get_for_her_birthday/
%
While most puns make me Numb, Math puns make me

NUMBER.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy6wmx/while_most_puns_make_me_numb_math_puns_make_me/
%
If the Earth were flat...

Cats would push everything off if it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy6303/if_the_earth_were_flat/
%
Fall is the most beautiful time in Florida, really...

All the license plates start changing colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy60ai/fall_is_the_most_beautiful_time_in_florida_really/
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What do Margaret Thatcher & Prince Andrew have in common?

...They both shafted miners!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy5pn8/what_do_margaret_thatcher_prince_andrew_have_in/
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Where is the best possible place to hide after committing a murder?

Behind a badge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy56ax/where_is_the_best_possible_place_to_hide_after/
%
Just wrote this poem

Everyone gather together
Put aside what you are doing
See this lyric, feel the weather
Take a second for the viewing.
Everyone gather together
In this house we all are one.
No discrimination, son.
Did I say a house we're in?
It's a prostitution ring.
Does this make any sense now?
No? It doesn't? Then allow me
To explain to you somehow.
Kindergarten kids are money.
In this universe, let's face it.
Lolitas and eastern bunnies
Love all day to suck a dick.
Hillary's a bitch however.
Inside our little game.
Many people are 'lil gay.
Sorry now, the story's over.
Everyone read the first
Letter of every lyric.
For the spell to do the trick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy55sm/just_wrote_this_poem/
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Prostate exam

So a guy goes in for a prostate exam and asks the doctor, "Where should I put my pants?"
And the doctor says, "Right over there, next to mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy4xhy/prostate_exam/
%
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's, she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy4xbk/while_reading_an_article_about_fathers_and_sons/
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What does the sign of an out-of-business brothel say ?

*"beat it, we're closed"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy4udv/what_does_the_sign_of_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
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I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy4t75/i_almost_got_caught_trying_to_steal_a_board_game/
%
What do you get, when you cross a husky and a blondie?

Either a really stupid fucking dog, or a frost resistant bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy4sou/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_husky_and_a/
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Why did the democraphics analyst go insane?

He lost his census.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy4rl8/why_did_the_democraphics_analyst_go_insane/
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Serious Case

A Doctor  was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.
The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We have already opened an aged 18 year old RARE  SINGLE MALT GLENFIDDICH  WHISKEY..
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was moving out, his wife asked, "Is it serious..?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely..  "In fact, 3 doctors are there already..!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy4ph0/serious_case/
%
A panda walks into a bar, orders a meal and quietly eats it.

When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar.
The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”
The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy4gfs/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar_orders_a_meal_and/
%
What do you call eating chips and salsa naked?

Skinny dipping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy486i/what_do_you_call_eating_chips_and_salsa_naked/
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Son: Daddy can you put on my shoes?

Me: I can try, but I don't think they will fit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy423g/son_daddy_can_you_put_on_my_shoes/
%
What is a priest's favourite musical note?

A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy4170/what_is_a_priests_favourite_musical_note/
%
Did y’all hear how they cracked the Cosby case?

The proof was in the pudding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy3zwm/did_yall_hear_how_they_cracked_the_cosby_case/
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Hair removal

Andrea, found out her dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
Andrea went to the pharmacy and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”
Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
The pharmacist thought about it for a minute and said, “Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy3y16/hair_removal/
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My boyfriend and my dad have the same name

This causes me to mess up a lot. For example I accidentally sent a nude to my boyfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy3w2j/my_boyfriend_and_my_dad_have_the_same_name/
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy3vbl/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
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I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels

It's my new year's resolution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy3myp/i_buy_a_tv_every_year_with_different_amount_of/
%
People say I have an inferiority complex.

It's not a good one though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy3m7t/people_say_i_have_an_inferiority_complex/
%
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles..

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy3jzj/i_accidentally_swallowed_a_bunch_of_scrabble_tiles/
%
Never fall in love with a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy3fms/never_fall_in_love_with_a_tennis_player/
%
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles....

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy3bvq/i_accidentally_swallowed_a_handful_of_scrabble/
%
What did the perverted frog say?

Rubbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy38pd/what_did_the_perverted_frog_say/
%
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy36n8/green_is_my_favourite_colour_i_love_it_even_more/
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After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young woman

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.
“I'm to pass time with you but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”
Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person.
The elderly man promptly acted on their advise and leased a room in house to a young tenant.
The friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, “How is your wife now?”
"She is not lonely at all, in fact she is happy and she is pregnant"
The friends laughed, as they expected this. “How is the tenant?” they asked.
The man replied very soberly
She is also pregnant ..”
Never underestimate the power of a senior citizen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2ynu/after_the_death_of_his_wife_an_elderly_man/
%
What do you call a stick with autism?

Autistick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2wug/what_do_you_call_a_stick_with_autism/
%
"Hey, are you coming out tonight?" I asked my Hindi friend.

He said "Namaste"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2sox/hey_are_you_coming_out_tonight_i_asked_my_hindi/
%
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?

To get to the otter slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2q7r/why_did_the_chicken_go_to_the_zoo/
%
What do you call a pissing contest?

A piss off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2on1/what_do_you_call_a_pissing_contest/
%
Why was Pavlov’s hair shiny and smooth ?

He conditioned it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2l7d/why_was_pavlovs_hair_shiny_and_smooth/
%
I had cardiac surgery in Cuba but the doctors weren’t that great.

Half of my heart is in Havana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2kh2/i_had_cardiac_surgery_in_cuba_but_the_doctors/
%
Judy got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband, Ted, passed away
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.”
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret … “Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”
Margaret replied, “I think he means her legs, Ethel . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2k8s/judy_got_married_and_had_13_children/
%
This is an old one

A man goes to the doctor and says:
-Doctor, everytime I get up after sleeping, I feel dizzy for half an hour, but then I'm fine.
To which the doctor replies:
-Then wait half an hour before you get up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2iqj/this_is_an_old_one/
%
It's officially ridiculous. If I see one more Epstein joke on here I'm going to kill myself.

Just like he didnt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2idb/its_officially_ridiculous_if_i_see_one_more/
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What did the philosophy student say when he saw the Mariana Trench?

"That's deep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2hnn/what_did_the_philosophy_student_say_when_he_saw/
%
I used to not believe in climate change

But around October I started supporting global warming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2h6s/i_used_to_not_believe_in_climate_change/
%
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time..
‘ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2dej/a_farmer_stopped_by_the_local_mechanics_shop/
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What do you call a happy Roman soldier with a hair stuck in his teeth?

A "Glad he ate her"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2ccx/what_do_you_call_a_happy_roman_soldier_with_a/
%
If chickens took over a country's armed forces

Would it be a chicken coup?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy2akq/if_chickens_took_over_a_countrys_armed_forces/
%
A patient is waiting in the doctors office...

The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm about to give you your flu shot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy29mu/a_patient_is_waiting_in_the_doctors_office/
%
I used to be a man.

Now I'm a cisgender straight male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy292g/i_used_to_be_a_man/
%
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink and asks for the check.
Duck billed platypus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy28lw/a_platypus_walks_into_a_bar_owned_by_a_duck/
%
What rank do you give an incompetent policeman?

Defective Inspector.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy284u/what_rank_do_you_give_an_incompetent_policeman/
%
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18 ", says the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy27on/a_nihilist_a_socialist_and_a_neomarxist_walk_into/
%
One teddy said to another-

"Life without you is unbearable".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy26wx/one_teddy_said_to_another/
%
Q: What's the plural for "backstab"?

A: The Roman Senate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy21ak/q_whats_the_plural_for_backstab/
%
When I get a new job the first thing I do is hide

Because good employees are hard to find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy1u8a/when_i_get_a_new_job_the_first_thing_i_do_is_hide/
%
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy1otn/what_do_lawyers_and_sperm_have_in_common/
%
When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive...

It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy13us/when_i_was_a_child_i_had_a_condition_where_i_had/
%
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?

But most just have 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy0wfk/did_you_know_crocodiles_could_grow_up_to_15_feet/
%
I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother.

Catching her picking her nose just put me right off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy0upz/i_saw_a_gorgeous_woman_walk_into_a_cosmetic/
%
I bought a dog from a blacksmith once.

As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy0tbm/i_bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith_once/
%
My girlfriend ran off with a member of ISIS and said shes never coming back

I guess she didnt know what Jihad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy0p5k/my_girlfriend_ran_off_with_a_member_of_isis_and/
%
What does batman like to snack on?

Just-ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy0kcd/what_does_batman_like_to_snack_on/
%
Why are all the girls jealous of medusa?

Cause any guy that looks at her gets rock hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy0jt8/why_are_all_the_girls_jealous_of_medusa/
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If the waters so “Smart”

Then why’s it in the bottle?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy0j92/if_the_waters_so_smart/
%
What do you call a female-to-male sex change operation?

A strapadychtomy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy0dtb/what_do_you_call_a_femaletomale_sex_change/
%
A young kid came upto me and said "Can I please have a cigarette?" I was astonished.

Kids these days have such great manners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy09lu/a_young_kid_came_upto_me_and_said_can_i_please/
%
What do you call a bad president?

Who cares? Stop posting politics here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy01op/what_do_you_call_a_bad_president/
%
Everybody is a gangsta until

a Cockroach walks in and starts flying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dy00zz/everybody_is_a_gangsta_until/
%
Why'd the blind little old lady fall in the well?

She couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxzsrm/whyd_the_blind_little_old_lady_fall_in_the_well/
%
A Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist are asked to help decorate a Christmas Tree.

The  Jew says, "My faith believes that Christ was just a really smart guy,  but we don't celebrate Christmas.  I'll put 7 candles  on the tree to represent the  Menorah" and he agrees to help.
The  Muslim says, "My faith believes Christ was a holy guy, just not THE holy guy, so we don't celebrate Christmas.  I'll point ornaments to the east, I can use it to tell me which direction to pray in" and he agrees to help
The  Hindu says, "Christ is basically an incarnation of Krishna and we are always happy to have a religious festival as long as there are food and sweets", and he agrees to help.
The  Atheist says, "I don't believe in your Christ or your god and I think  you guys are all a bunch of idiots for believing in some random magic  man in the sky created the world, but I'll help because otherwise  Santa's going to leave me shitty presents again."
(came up with this for a post on /r/unpopularopinion, edited the build up a little to be more uniform as per inspiration from /u/tardinator02)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxzr6d/a_jew_a_muslim_a_hindu_and_an_atheist_are_asked/
%
Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars. Between the ages of 30-35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.Between the ages of 35-40, a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit. Between the ages of 40-50, she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.Between the ages of 50-60, she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away. Between the ages of 60-70, a woman is like England or Mongolia. A glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.After 70, they become Afghanistan or Pakistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxzpft/geography_of_a_woman/
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I cannot understand why they don’t call the riots in Hong Kong

Tiananmen²

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxzokq/i_cannot_understand_why_they_dont_call_the_riots/
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What did the goldfish say to the other goldfish in the tank?

How do you drive that thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxzn8t/what_did_the_goldfish_say_to_the_other_goldfish/
%
Imagine if Americans decided to switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be a mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxzjlj/imagine_if_americans_decided_to_switch_from/
%
What do you call a horse that criticizes something?

A naysayer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxzhqu/what_do_you_call_a_horse_that_criticizes_something/
%
I was in a lingerie shop and asked one of the staff "Excuse me, are these knickers satin?"

She said "No, they're new"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxzbhx/i_was_in_a_lingerie_shop_and_asked_one_of_the/
%
What's the similarity between a bad boxer and a porn star?

They both take a pounding in the ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxzb6g/whats_the_similarity_between_a_bad_boxer_and_a/
%
Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Cause pepper water makes them sneeze!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxz87j/why_do_sharks_swim_in_salt_water/
%
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...

Number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxz6qi/puns_make_me_numb_but_math_puns_make_me/
%
Where do southern viking descendants go after death?

Y'allhalla

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxz421/where_do_southern_viking_descendants_go_after/
%
I answered a knock at my door and it was a person telling I needed to be saved or I would burn. I told him to fuck off and closed my door.

Stupid fireman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxz3nc/i_answered_a_knock_at_my_door_and_it_was_a_person/
%
What is forest gumps email password

1forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxz2zh/what_is_forest_gumps_email_password/
%
A horse wants to start a band

. However, he can’t sing; So he goes to a vet.
He asks the vet, “Can you give me vocal cords so I can sing?” The vet agrees and gives the horse vocal cords.
A chicken sees this and wants to join the band, so he asks the vet, “can you give me lips so I can play the harmonica?” The vet agrees and gives the chicken lips.
A cow comes along with his buddy the pig, and they want to join the band too. They ask the vet for hands, so they can play the guitar and the drums. The vet agrees and gives them hands.
Together the animals form the Barnyard Boys, the first ever all animal band. They flew off the charts. Everybody wanted to hear them play, and they were completely booked for months to come. Then one day they got the big one, a gig overseas. This was how they would seal their name as one of the greats.
They flew over, blew the roof off the stadium, and left everybody dazzled. They had done it; they were now internationally famous. However, when it was time to go home, they ran into some problems with customs.
They were informed that the horse would have to be placed on a separate flight for their return home, but that both flights would arrive at their destination at relatively the same time. The band was pissed, but it was only a minor inconvenience. They got on their planes and departed.
When the horse’s flight landed, he couldn’t find his buddies anywhere. So he asked an attendant where their flight was. The attendant told him that during their flight there had been a terrorist attack, and that nobody on the plane survived.
The horse was devastated. In the blink of an eye everything was taken away from him. His friends, his hard work, his fortune. He was overcome by grief and needed a drink.
He left the airport and found a small bar located in the quiet side of town.
The horse walks into the bar and the bartender asks, “hey why the long face?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxz02p/a_horse_wants_to_start_a_band/
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Because it’s Funny

“You can’t be serious,” the tall, slender man screamed up at the silver metallic saucer hovering over his rose garden. As if tickled by this reaction, the object hummed and displayed a line of multicolored lights around its sides for approximately three seconds before replying.
“Yes, that’s right. Because it was fucking funny.” The object waited for the man’s next reaction, it had been hundreds of galactic years since the last time he’d gotten to reveal the cosmos to an unwitting vassal species. These humans had been incubating for some time and had accrued excellent ratings, all the beings responsible for the idea were compensated handsomely.
“Why do you keep swearing so much?” The object stopped humming and blinked once in confusion.
“What?!”
“I said, why do you keep swearing so much?”
“Of all the god damned questions to fall out from behind your face horns and you pick that one.”
“What? What’s so off about that?”
“I’m just saying, you’re only now hearing about the wonders of the universe and you’ve finally had answered basically all of your specie’s oldest questions and the only thing you can think of to ask a corporeal extraterrestrial in front of you is why he likes to use the fuck word?”
“Yeah, that’s about right. I just sorta figured if there’s some big alien civilization up there maybe they’d moved past swearing. I mean obviously you haven’t and that’s fine, I guess I’m just a little underwhelmed is all.”
The spaceship silently floated there for a few moments, not blinking, not humming, not doing anything at all, really. Just lost in the absolute asinine display before their very eyes. Then all at once, the object erupted into laughter, wildly flashing lights and humming a pitch that later historians would take care to note was a slightly out of tune B flat.
Humans! All their fucking movies are about space! Their gods come from space! Their biggest damn expenditure other than war is space exploration and even then they manage to get bored. Were they all psychopaths or something? The captain flexed his reproductive sack in thought, perhaps they’d accidentally raised a planet of complete sociopaths. Given their history, it was certainly possible. He glanced over to the open files displaying the juiciest bits of human history, the Bronze Age collapse, Ice Age extinction, Mongol Conquest, it would certainly be possible.
“So alright if you’re not going to ask any interesting questions, I’ll just tell you stuff.”
“Really mate, I wanna know why you guys never figured out how to quit being so darn foul mouthed. It’s really rather unbecoming of you.”
“You’re relentless! This is incredible, you still won’t shut the hell up about swearing! Alright fine you little shit listen up because we’re only going to say this once. If you think for a single one of your seconds that the very worst thing about our species is our liberal use of expletives then I’ve got some bad news for you sunshine.”
“Yeah no, I get it. You guys raise species to wage civil wars against themselves for thousands of years for entertainment and then sweep in once they break FTL travel and add a new vassal with all their fresh tactics to your little consumerist confederacy. It’s not that complicated, mate.”
“Yeah but why aren’t you upset about it? The last species we informed violently committed suicide and destroyed their entire home world in shame and anger. The one before that instantly declared war and was atomized, what’s making you different?”
“I already told you why, clearly your biology lacks a pair of working ears.” The object began humming again, this time the entire object turned a particularly angry shade of red.
“We have five working ears thank you very much and we can hear way better. You’re literally a hairless ape standing in a robe in a flower garden, do you really want to compare biology?”
“Fair. I suppose it’s rude to compare tentacle sizes upon first meetings.” This did the trick. The object immediately slammed down to earth, hissing as a door vaporized. A small, blue creature analogous to hairy, tripodal cuttlefish with a single compound eye in the middle of the face. The creature walked towards the man abruptly and came so close that their bodies were almost touching. It angrily shot an extension an the man and held it in one of its other appendages.
“This is the closest thing to my penis and I bet your planet’s existence that it’s bigger than yours.”
The Englishman roared and said, “lad I’ll take that bet. Prepare to leave this world for good. Your show has ended and that navy I’ll bet is hiding up in space can go back to whatever world you come from.” With that, he loosed his trousers and placed his hands valiantly on his hips. “How do you like us now?”
Unfortunately for fans of cosmic gladiators, the human was a full three inches longer than the extraterrestrial, much to the shock and horror of both captain and crew. The alien suddenly went completely alabaster and sucked in his penis with a horrible clicking noise. The human made no attempt to clothe himself, instead proudly waving his member back and forth in the breeze, the stupidest smile cemented into his skull.
“A deal’s a deal. Off you go!”
“You’re right, we’re nothing if not a species of our word. But before I go, I’d just like to let you know how much fun we had watching you guys kill eachother. That special with Atilla is really a classic and the follow up about the Vandals just always makes me think of childhood. You are talented warriors and we wish you the best.”
“Yes, yes. Thank you kindly and please get the fuck off this planet please.”
With that, the creature turned and once again entered through the hissing portal. The humming returned for the last time as the object began to slowly rise above the earth, only a few meters at first, then to the heights of trees. It gave one final flash before it zipped off into the stars, leaving the man alone with his pants around his ankles and only his roses to keep him company. It was also at this moment that the local constabulary noticed the man staring off into his neighbors window with his pants around his ankles.
The judge did not buy his story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxyw3p/because_its_funny/
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The best time on an analog clock is 6:30.

Hands down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxyswv/the_best_time_on_an_analog_clock_is_630/
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I hate Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxygka/i_hate_russian_dolls/
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Data: Captain

We have the 20th century machine that puts clothes together now working.  Would you like to see a demonstration.
Capt:  Make it sew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxxton/data_captain/
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The Dockmaster recently started smoking.

Gave into pier pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxxszg/the_dockmaster_recently_started_smoking/
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The functions stopped calling each other...

Because they had constant arguments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxxrh3/the_functions_stopped_calling_each_other/
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You know what they say about New York Cheesecake?

If you can bake it there, you can bake it anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxxiud/you_know_what_they_say_about_new_york_cheesecake/
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What do you call an epileptic on a merry-go-round?

A Fidget Spinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxxiob/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_on_a_merrygoround/
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When aliens finally beam down, but you’re in the middle of some alone time and they’re like “we come in peace”

and you’re like, must be nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxxgez/when_aliens_finally_beam_down_but_youre_in_the/
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What do you call an can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxxdp4/what_do_you_call_an_can_opener_that_doesnt_work/
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Someone stole the enclosure that was built to hold the animals in the ark.

Newspaper headline: “Noah fence taken.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxxbit/someone_stole_the_enclosure_that_was_built_to/
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A Hong Kong activist strikes up a conversation with a Chinese bartender.

Eventually, the bartender starts lamenting about his extremely dominant and overbearing wife and his poor sex life. He tells the activist, "She told me, 'I choose the position. You don't get to try new stuff with me.'"
The activist replies, "That's what Xi said."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxx6mn/a_hong_kong_activist_strikes_up_a_conversation/
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How does a rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxx0gj/how_does_a_rock_pee/
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A guy asks a girl to go to a dance.

She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.
He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.
He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.
Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxwp7p/a_guy_asks_a_girl_to_go_to_a_dance/
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My baby just ate a bunch of scrabble tiles.

The next diaper change could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxwosv/my_baby_just_ate_a_bunch_of_scrabble_tiles/
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Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches. Wife: Ok just throw them out.

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase : Look I'm as suprised as you are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxwi8a/me_the_kids_havent_eaten_their_sandwiches_wife_ok/
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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxvzyv/why_do_the_hong_kong_police_like_to_show_up_to/
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Did you see they went back and found yoda’s last name?

LayHeeWho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxvx5f/did_you_see_they_went_back_and_found_yodas_last/
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I just watched a beautiful woman doing stand up comedy totally naked.

Never laughed so hard in my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxvsow/i_just_watched_a_beautiful_woman_doing_stand_up/
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Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to long life?"
The chicken is intrigued and asks, "Well, what is it? Tell me"
Roadside-Romeo replies, "What'd you say? Can't hear ya"
The chicken says, "I said, what is the secret to long life?"
Roadside-Romeo says, "What babe? Whatcha sayin'?"
So, the curious chicken crossed the road.
And went near Roadside-Romeo's ear and yelled, "What is the secret to long life?"
Roadside-Romeo hissed and rattled and replied, "Oh!!! The secret is - Don't talk to strangers!"
And in one quick swoop, pounced and swallowed the bird.
And smugly, he thought to hissself, "Amazing I can still  pick up chicks with that joke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxvs4i/retired_rattlesnake_roadsideromeo/
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Hey Dad, Have you seen my sunglasses?

No sun, have you seen my dad glasses?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxvnn9/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
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After experiencing Nirvana during sex, but before you make The Offspring, what do you produce?

Pearl Jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxvlvl/after_experiencing_nirvana_during_sex_but_before/
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What was Juliet without Romeo?

Alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxvlaf/what_was_juliet_without_romeo/
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Why was the pharaoh startled by his wife's loud fart?

It was a toot uncommon to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxvf25/why_was_the_pharaoh_startled_by_his_wifes_loud/
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Ten years ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman on earth to marry me.

All three said no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxv8g3/ten_years_ago_today_i_asked_my_childhood/
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It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings

And now we have countries...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxuyem/its_easy_to_explain_why_so_many_national/
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A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.

I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxusqc/a_cable_repairman_was_on_my_street_today_and_he/
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My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.

So I got her some diet pills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxusg4/my_wife_asked_me_to_get_some_of_the_pills_that/
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What’s the difference between me and eggs?

Eggs get laid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxuorq/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_eggs/
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What do you get if you urinate and cum at the same time?

Peanut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxufy0/what_do_you_get_if_you_urinate_and_cum_at_the/
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I was watching a porno the other day that had a really dull storyline...

I was bored stiff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxubxi/i_was_watching_a_porno_the_other_day_that_had_a/
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Mussolini didn't like no nutz November.

He preferred many Nazi March.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxu9a6/mussolini_didnt_like_no_nutz_november/
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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxu8eq/a_wife_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
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Son: “Mom, how do you feel about abortion?”

Mom: “Ask your sister.”
Son: “I don’t have a sis-“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxu6ix/son_mom_how_do_you_feel_about_abortion/
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Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a huge McSteak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxu5wm/did_you_hear_about_mcdonalds_trying_to_get_into/
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Do you know how to spot clickbait?

Obviously not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxu2vb/do_you_know_how_to_spot_clickbait/
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Ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.

blunt force trauma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxu28u/ok_so_a_stoner_a_jedi_and_a_surgeon_walk_into_a/
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My wife asked me the other day in bed "if you could have a threesome with me and anyone living or dead, who would it be?" And I said

"Anyone living."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxu1m5/my_wife_asked_me_the_other_day_in_bed_if_you/
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Interviewer: How do you explain this four year gap in your employment history?

Me: That was when I went to Yale
Interviewer: Wow! That's great. You're hired!
Me: Thanks, I really need this yob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxtyof/interviewer_how_do_you_explain_this_four_year_gap/
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How do you circumcise a red neck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxtwcs/how_do_you_circumcise_a_red_neck/
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A scientist got into an argument with God...

The scientist said, "We have decided we no longer need you, as we can create anything in the laboratory just as easy as you can create something."
God said, "OK let's see who can create a human from dirt."
The scientist reached down and gathered up some dirt...
God said, "Hey! Get your own dirt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxtsqy/a_scientist_got_into_an_argument_with_god/
%
my doctor said i was suicidal

i asked him 'how long do i have to live?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxts92/my_doctor_said_i_was_suicidal/
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Why are letters always white?

To prevent blackmail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxtrxd/why_are_letters_always_white/
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What happens when Al Gore plays an instrument?

He feels the algorithm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxtqj3/what_happens_when_al_gore_plays_an_instrument/
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The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxtlkl/the_secret_service_just_had_to_change_protocol/
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What would you call a miniature clone of Eminem?

Partial Mathers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxtii2/what_would_you_call_a_miniature_clone_of_eminem/
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Whats the difference between a nuclear-ravaged wasteland and Hong Kong?

The amount Xi has been drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxtf7h/whats_the_difference_between_a_nuclearravaged/
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A man walks into a bar ...

... and sees a jar full of money next to a horse stall
The man goes over to the bartender and asks what the set up is for.
"You pay five bucks to go into the stall where the horse is, and if you can make the horse laugh, you win all the money in the jar.
"Easy" the man says. He puts five dollars in the jar, walks up to the horse, whispers in his ear, and the horse starts cracking up. The man takes the money and leaves.
A week later, the man goes back to the bar, where they have the same set up.
"Same bet?" The man asks.
"No, this time you have to make the horse cry"
"Even easier" the man says. So he puts five bucks in the jar, walks up to the horse, and the horse starts crying.
The man is about to take the money and run, but the bartender stops him.
"OK, first, how'd you get the horse to laugh?"
And the man says "I told him I had a bigger dick than he did."
"And how'd you get the horse to cry?" The bartender asks.
"I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxtdnc/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth and only got a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxt1wd/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.
One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap.
Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?”
“This is my friend Set, and you can call me ‘Ep’”, said Amenhotep.
“Very well, Ep” said the fairy “What is the desire of your heart?”
“I wish I was the strongest man in the world!” Amenhotep wished.
“Very well”, said the fairy, “but you must always use your strength to help others.” Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles.
The fairy turned to Set “And what is your wish, Set?”
Set responded “I never want to be poor again! I wish for money!”
“Very well,” said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. “Greetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!”
“Elmon is an expert in all things money,” said the fairy, “He will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.”
Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname “Imp”. With Elmon’s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order.
Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep.
Ep and Set’s business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business.
As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf.
Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics.
Upon reading the proposal and its ill-nature’s effect on Set’s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly.
Josep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail.
Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend.
Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Set’s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. “Come, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Let’s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.”
Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmon’s murder.
The case was brought before the court, but Set’s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright.
Obviously, Ep’s teen didn’t kill Imp’s elf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxsoki/two_boys_in_egypt_free_a_crocodile/
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Why did the developer go broke?

Because he used up all his cache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxso13/why_did_the_developer_go_broke/
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My innapropriate joke (not for kids)

One day, a MN said to his wife, can we have sex tonight?
The wife says "again?  It's the 5th time this week! "
The man said no, it was only once... "
The wife said, "you, mail man, neighbor, your friend, and now you again! "q

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxsk36/my_innapropriate_joke_not_for_kids/
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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.
I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxsjfr/did_you_know_semen_leaves_the_body_at_almost/
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How did the hipster burn his mouth

He drank the coffee before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxsj27/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
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A Brittish ship calls the German coastguard

"MAYDAY! WE ARE SINKING! I REPEAT WE ARE SINKING!"
"Zis iz the German coastguard. What are you sinking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxsbnw/a_brittish_ship_calls_the_german_coastguard/
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What's the difference between land and sea?

Land is dirty, but sea is tide-y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxs41k/whats_the_difference_between_land_and_sea/
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The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?"

Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."
Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxrzy5/the_doctor_asks_the_patient_does_your_head_hurt/
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Why didn't rick astley help the victims of a building on fire?

He refused to let them down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxrsiz/why_didnt_rick_astley_help_the_victims_of_a/
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If you lose your left arm,

your right arm will be left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxrryf/if_you_lose_your_left_arm/
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Love is like a fart

If you have to force it it’s probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxrofm/love_is_like_a_fart/
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My girlfriend left me because I'm too understanding.

I can relate to that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxrkl1/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_im_too_understanding/
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It turns out, Dolphins intelligence is second only to man.

This means women drop to third place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxrhr2/it_turns_out_dolphins_intelligence_is_second_only/
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Simple questions

A 3rd grade teacher asks one of the students:
-What has 4 legs, whiskers, walks on roofs, has an olive in its mouth, and makes "meow" noises?
&nbsp;
To which the student replies:
-With an olive in its mouth? I have no idea, teacher.
&nbsp;
The teacher gives the answer:
-Oh, it's a cat! The olive in it's mouth was just to confuse you...
&nbsp;
The teacher then asks another student:
-What has 2 legs, a beak, feathers, makes nests, wears glasses, and sings?
&nbsp;
To which the student replies:
-With glasses? I don't know.
&nbsp;
The teacher gives the answer:
-Oh, it's a bird! The glasses were in the question just to confuse you...
&nbsp;
Not satisfied with the results she was getting, she asks the class if anyone has any question for her, to which a student asks her:
-Teacher! What has a round tip, can get bigger and smaller, has 2 balls at the bottom, has a pink tip, and women like to put in their mouth?
&nbsp;
The teacher, outraged:
-WHAT DID YOU SAY? I DO NOT TOLERATE THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOUR IN MY CLASS! OUT, NOW!
&nbsp;
-Calm down, teacher! It's lipstick. The 2 balls at the bottom were just there to confuse you...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxrbb5/simple_questions/
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A Blonde and a Brunette chatting.

Brunette says Christmas falls on a Friday this year.
Blonde says "I hope it's not the 13th"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxr10p/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_chatting/
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An American, a Canadian and a Mexican walk into a bar.

The barman asks: "What is this, a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxr0u3/an_american_a_canadian_and_a_mexican_walk_into_a/
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I used to be a guy in a girl's body

Then I pulled out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxqx7f/i_used_to_be_a_guy_in_a_girls_body/
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Apparently Beer Contains Female Hormones:

After you drink enough.
you cannot drive:
Or shut the fuck up:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxqwd9/apparently_beer_contains_female_hormones/
%
What's yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxqup1/whats_yellow_and_cant_swim/
%
Three ducks go in to a bar..

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two. 'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked. 'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 'My name is Puddles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxqu5p/three_ducks_go_in_to_a_bar/
%
How much space will open up when Great Britain leaves the EU?

1 GB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxqrbz/how_much_space_will_open_up_when_great_britain/
%
A hiker gets lost in the woods...

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.
A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.
In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.
"Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty," says the judge. "But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?"
"Well, your honor," the hiker says, "it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxqim4/a_hiker_gets_lost_in_the_woods/
%
An 80 year old man arrives at his doctors appointment

He sits down and the doctor proceeds to do his normal routine.
*Doctor:* So how are things going lately?
*Man:* Pretty good. I got married to a 20 year old last week.
The doctor is taken a little bit back by that statement, but continues being professional.
*Doctor:* That sounds nice. Are you here because you're running low on your stamina?
*Man:* Uhm no. Even at my age I'm still able to perform 3 times a day.
*Doctor:* Ok... You're certainly up and running. Do you have any questions related to birth control?
*Man:* Nah, she's on the pill so I'm not worried.
*Doctor:* I see. Well, I have a lot of sick people in my waiting room and not all the time in the day. Would you mind telling me your problem?
The man got up from his chair and laid his hand on the doctors shoulder.
" Well there is no problem, but if you were an old man like me and were having sex with a 20 year old 3 times a night, wouldn't you want to tell as many people as you could"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxq9ti/an_80_year_old_man_arrives_at_his_doctors/
%
What did Darth Vader say when he sensed Luke for the first time?

"I have a dad feeling about this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxq03w/what_did_darth_vader_say_when_he_sensed_luke_for/
%
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.

I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxpxxr/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_had_slept_with_5_men/
%
Newton, Pascal and Einstein go to play hide and seek...

Newton, Pascal and Einstein go to play hide and seek. Einstein became the seeker, so Newton and Pascal ran to find their hiding spots. Einstein finished counting and went to search. He saw Newton still lingering around.
Einstein: "You're it!"
Newton: "No. I am Newton who is upon a 1 m^(2) tile. So Pascal is it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxpqu4/newton_pascal_and_einstein_go_to_play_hide_and/
%
Headaches and testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe is shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him US$ 75,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 would fit fine.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years sir!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years sir.'
Joe tried  the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! You got it wrong this time! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you hell of a Headache.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxpl7g/headaches_and_testicles/
%
Politicians have been fighting the war on drugs for a long time and it's obvious that they're losing.

Maybe they should try doing it sober instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxpg9o/politicians_have_been_fighting_the_war_on_drugs/
%
One time I saw a kid being bullied by 4 kids so i decided to step in

He didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxpd58/one_time_i_saw_a_kid_being_bullied_by_4_kids_so_i/
%
What’s the opposite of Himalayan Salt?

Herastandin Pepper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxp512/whats_the_opposite_of_himalayan_salt/
%
What is worse, ignorance or apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxoyj6/what_is_worse_ignorance_or_apathy/
%
I drew a picture of a single butt cheek...

Everyone said it looked half-assed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxoxxa/i_drew_a_picture_of_a_single_butt_cheek/
%
"Ahah, look at those italians and their gesticulating, they are ridiculous."

"George, those folks are deaf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxovu0/ahah_look_at_those_italians_and_their/
%
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
The second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
The third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
The first guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore.
The second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
The third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
The second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxov0w/three_guys_are_walking_through_the_woods_when/
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Why is Humpty Dumpty so excited for winter?

Cause Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxoqef/why_is_humpty_dumpty_so_excited_for_winter/
%
My newborn son made such a fuss when the doctor cut his umbilical cord.

It seems he had really grown attached to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxolsy/my_newborn_son_made_such_a_fuss_when_the_doctor/
%
I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged,despite my victims say it was overall a positive experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxohqj/i_was_arrested_the_other_day_for_stealing_peoples/
%
A woman rings at neighbours door, a man opens the door.

Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"
Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of paper."
The woman thanks the man and goes on to buy 16 stacks of paper. When she was finished with the kitchen she returns to the neighbour.
Woman:" well thanks again for the advice, I am done and the new kitchen looks awesome! I am just wondering, I still have 6 stacks of paper left...?"
Man:"Yeah, me too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxogim/a_woman_rings_at_neighbours_door_a_man_opens_the/
%
Why is justice a dish best served cold?

Because if it were served warm it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxo1ye/why_is_justice_a_dish_best_served_cold/
%
I was trying to decide what my favourite U2 song was

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxnynq/i_was_trying_to_decide_what_my_favourite_u2_song/
%
A Fast Worker

A guy hires Danny Dumbass to paint his porch.
The guy figures it's an all day job, so he leaves to run some errands.
But he forgets something at home and returns an hour later.
He sees Danny, lounging in a hammock, sipping lemonade.
"Finished already, huh?", says the guy.
"Yes sir!", says Danny.  "I do fast work!"
"Well, since you did it so quick, here's an extra 50 bucks for ya!"
"Gee, thanks!", exclaims Danny, and walks off, counting his money.
"By the way, Mister.", adds Danny, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxntyv/a_fast_worker/
%
Do you know the difference between americans and computers?

americans don't have trouble-shooting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxnhrg/do_you_know_the_difference_between_americans_and/
%
After my son’s team won the tournament, the goalkeeper invited us for a party afterwards.

It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie Host.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxnfw5/after_my_sons_team_won_the_tournament_the/
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Politeness is key

A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man.
She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.
So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly "Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank-you."
She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!
The woman continued to wait for her newborn, and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months and years passed, the baby never came!
Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.
They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:
"You go first!"
"No, you go first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxnf0s/politeness_is_key/
%
I was offered a job making beds in a hotel!

I had to turn them down..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxncpa/i_was_offered_a_job_making_beds_in_a_hotel/
%
What do you call an oscillating dam?

Damn, that rocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxn9hv/what_do_you_call_an_oscillating_dam/
%
So my twin brother called me from prison.

He said, "So you know how we finish each other sentences?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxn0dd/so_my_twin_brother_called_me_from_prison/
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What Do Cannibals Do After They've Dumped Their Girlfriend?

Wipe Their Ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxmzmu/what_do_cannibals_do_after_theyve_dumped_their/
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Who is the hottest girl in the world?

Medusa because whenever I stare at her I’m rock hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxmt3d/who_is_the_hottest_girl_in_the_world/
%
I played chess with my boyfriend and I gave him a beating

I really get mad when I lose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxmj34/i_played_chess_with_my_boyfriend_and_i_gave_him_a/
%
My christmas advice

forget the past, you can't change it
forget the present, because I didn't get you one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxmel1/my_christmas_advice/
%
How do you start a concrete race?

Ready...... set........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxme4d/how_do_you_start_a_concrete_race/
%
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.He says"uno, dos..."poof.

He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxmd7p/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
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A man is driving down the highway

When suddenly he sees a naked man with his hands tied to the side of the road.He stops and asks what's going on?The naked man answers:"You won't believe this it, i picked up a hitchhiker and the fucker stole my car, clothes and fucked me in the ass!"The guy in the car unzips his pants and says: "this really ain't your lucky day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxm8yk/a_man_is_driving_down_the_highway/
%
I attached all my watches together to make a belt...

It was a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxm6hq/i_attached_all_my_watches_together_to_make_a_belt/
%
A blond, a brunette and a redhead are having a conversation on the topic that the position of sex can determine the gender of the baby (NSFW)

The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, “I read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.”
The redhead says, “well I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boy”
The blonde starts wailing and crying “oh god! I’m going to have puppies!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxm6fe/a_blond_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_having_a/
%
Why should you never play chess with an Austrailian?

Because a check will always turn into a check, mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxm675/why_should_you_never_play_chess_with_an/
%
I asked 100 women what their favorite soap in the shower was.

The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxm5xz/i_asked_100_women_what_their_favorite_soap_in_the/
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Our son want a puppy for Christmas

We usually have turkey, but if that can make him happy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxm3r4/our_son_want_a_puppy_for_christmas/
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”Will you marry me?” Is a marriage proposal.

”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxlyvi/will_you_marry_me_is_a_marriage_proposal/
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As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.

But I’m planning to give it a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxly6x/as_a_doctor_i_never_make_jokes_about_an/
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My room is like the Bermuda triangle

stuff goes in and is never seen again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxlwwu/my_room_is_like_the_bermuda_triangle/
%
My friend told me I had to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybeeeee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxlwfo/my_friend_told_me_i_had_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don't worry...

I'll return

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxluai/my_wife_kicked_me_out_of_the_house_for_my_bad/
%
A guy walks into a bar carrying a plum and orders a beer.

"Why do you have a plum?" the bartender asks. "I couldn't find a date," the guy replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxltbo/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_carrying_a_plum_and_orders/
%
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

.
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.
His father pointed at a map towards North America.
“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father.
The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.
“And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?”
The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.
“Where is Germany again, Father?”
He pointed to their home country in Central Europe.
Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.”
“Yes?”
“Has Hitler seen this map?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxls2g/in_1941_hans_a_young_german_boy_was_listening_to/
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If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxlmvy/if_you_took_all_the_people_in_the_world_who_fall/
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We’ve been fighting the war on drugs for years and we’re loosing.

I think we should try doing it sober.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxlcfi/weve_been_fighting_the_war_on_drugs_for_years_and/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sex organs?
Still no fucking idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxl9y7/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxl77q/once_i_was_a_male_trapped_in_a_female_body/
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NSFW My friend found a girl tied to the train tracks.

He told me he untied her and they went back to his place, I asked what they got up to and he said they had sex all night. Impressed by this I asked him if he got any head to which he said Nah I couldn’t find it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxkq1f/nsfw_my_friend_found_a_girl_tied_to_the_train/
%
My girlfriend found out I had a side chick, and told her to back off.

My wife was not happy about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxkdy3/my_girlfriend_found_out_i_had_a_side_chick_and/
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A word to the wise:

Unencumbered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxkdk6/a_word_to_the_wise/
%
Doctor: *looking through microscope* I've never seen anything like it before

Other doctors: *under their breath* its truly incredible
Me: so viagra won't help?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxkbr8/doctor_looking_through_microscope_ive_never_seen/
%
What is Trump's favorite game?

Borderlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxkbac/what_is_trumps_favorite_game/
%
A mother had 3 children.

One asks her "Why is my name Rose?"
To which the mother responds "Because a rose petal fell on your head on the way out from the hospital when you were born."
Another asks "Why am I called Lily?"
"A lily petal fell on your head the day you were born." The mother answers.
The other child says "hahtgfkshyvuihuisahjuibhgyugvscays"
"Shut up Brick." the mother shouts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxk4ky/a_mother_had_3_children/
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Knock Knock

Who's there?
An author
An author who?
An author joke like this and you won't come back, huh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxjxbr/knock_knock/
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IKEA have started selling self assembly beds for lesbians

There's no nuts and bolts, just tongue and groove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxjw6k/ikea_have_started_selling_self_assembly_beds_for/
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A man is nailing siding onto a house, but he throws away every second or third nail he picks up.

The boss says "you're wasting nails, why are you throwing so many away!?"
"They are pointed on the wrong side" says the employee.
"You idiot" the boss exclaims, "those are for the other side of the house".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxjvx6/a_man_is_nailing_siding_onto_a_house_but_he/
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A police van carrying 12 convicts crashed into a cement mixer

Police are now looking for a dozen hardened criminals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxjv1q/a_police_van_carrying_12_convicts_crashed_into_a/
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If you’ve been on reddit for a while you know theres a serious side, and a fun side to the site.

Both of which you shouldn’t take seriously

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxjug5/if_youve_been_on_reddit_for_a_while_you_know/
%
John, James and Fred shipwrecked on a cannibal island

The villagers held them as prisoners and gave them a challenge if they want to survive
Captain: Go to the forest and each of you bring 10 fruits of the same kind and go back here
-later-
John: *brings ten oranges
Captain: Shove all of them up to your butt without making any emotions, if you do so we will cook you
Onto the 5th orange John cried and he was thrown to the boiling pot
James: *brings ten grapes
Captain: *same instruction
Onto the 9th grape James laughed aloud so he was put in the boiling pot as well
John and James met at heaven and talked about their deaths
John: You were going so well, why did you laugh?
James: It's because I saw Fred carrying ten pineapples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxjrln/john_james_and_fred_shipwrecked_on_a_cannibal/
%
One white man, one black woman, one Asian guy. No, make that one Jewish guy, one Indian guy, and a white man

said the cannibal at the drive-thru.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxjnp2/one_white_man_one_black_woman_one_asian_guy_no/
%
A guy asks a girl to go to a dance...

She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.
He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.
He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.
Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxjkxf/a_guy_asks_a_girl_to_go_to_a_dance/
%
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?

I don't know and don't really care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxji4b/is_it_ignorance_or_apathy_thats_destroying_the/
%
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu—you get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxjhze/hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
%
The past, the present and the future walk into a bar....

It was in tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxim8x/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
%
if anne hath a will,

anne hathaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxil5r/if_anne_hath_a_will/
%
If you think you were shocked when you heard Epstein killed himself,

Imagine how shocked he must have felt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxiiuk/if_you_think_you_were_shocked_when_you_heard/
%
I have an extensive collection of pornography involving miners.

It’s the only way I can get my rocks off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxih53/i_have_an_extensive_collection_of_pornography/
%
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxietm/my_wife_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead_of/
%
What's the difference between Epstein and Hitler?

Hitler killed himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxie8e/whats_the_difference_between_epstein_and_hitler/
%
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day

when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.
"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it's possible for me to become an Archbishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxicur/a_catholic_priest_and_a_rabbi_were_chatting_one/
%
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.

He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxics5/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_at/
%
Icy

I've often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now I see why......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxi764/icy/
%
NSFW: What do you call an gay orgy with a bunch of straight guys?

Dogeball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxi63d/nsfw_what_do_you_call_an_gay_orgy_with_a_bunch_of/
%
Switching it up

A gorgeous blond walks into a bar and orders 3 Budweisers. She drinks them and get gets so slammed she screws the bartender and both customers in the bar. The next day she comes back and orders 3 Budweisers, get drunk and screws all 10 customers. The next day 35 men are waiting for her to show up. She walks in and orders a Coors. There is a huge collective sigh. The bartender finally asks why she changed her usual order. She replied she had to change to Coors because the Budweiser was making her pussy sore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxhosg/switching_it_up/
%
I was out shopping the other day and found a very interesting item: curduroy pillowcases

I think they're gonna make headlines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxho40/i_was_out_shopping_the_other_day_and_found_a_very/
%
A man walks into his new job.

He notices a two drawer filing cabinet that is unmarked sitting by his desk, he turns to his coworker and asks.
"Whats in the filing cabinet, I never need actual files."
"The top drawer is not for your eyes, its top secret."
The man asks "Can you at least tell me what is in the bottom?"
The coworker responds "Sorry, I can't, it's bottom secret."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxhik8/a_man_walks_into_his_new_job/
%
What’s the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul?

Hitler respected the Japanese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxhh7i/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_logan_paul/
%
The doctor to the patient:

\-Doctor: I have good and bad news
\-Patient: Tell me the good news first.
\-Doctor: We are going to put his name to a new disease ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxh5tr/the_doctor_to_the_patient/
%
Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.
-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.
Yes, that’s right, Alan.
-Thanks, Dad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxh4xk/dad_why_did_you_name_the_new_baby_teresa/
%
What do you call a Russian on a cracker?

Putin on the ritz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxh1ov/what_do_you_call_a_russian_on_a_cracker/
%
A drunk guy walks into a bar...

and says, "I'll have a shot of Wild Turkey, please." The bartender says, "I'm not going to serve you, because I think you're intoxicated." The guy says, "I just want one, man. And then I'm going straight home." So the bartender says, "All right, you can have one" and gives the guy his shot.
The guy drinks his shot and immediately throws up on his own shirt. "Oh no!" he said, "My wife is going to kill me! She'll know I've been drinking!"
"No she won't" said the bartender. "Put a ten-dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife that someone else threw up on you and gave you the ten dollars in order to get your shirt cleaned."
"That's a great idea!" said the guy.
So, sure enough, when he arrived home, his wife pointed at him and yelled, "You've been drinking! You threw up!"
The guy said, "No I didn't. Somebody else threw up on me. Look in my pocket. He gave me ten dollars."
So his wife looked in his pocket and said, "There are two ten-dollar bills in here."
And the guy said, "Well... the other one is from the guy that shit in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxh0mm/a_drunk_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How does a blonde kill a worm?

She burys it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxgttc/how_does_a_blonde_kill_a_worm/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are so good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxgq8i/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
A man's guide to love and lasting relationships

1. Get a woman who cares for you and is compassionate.
2. Get a woman that knows how to maintain a home.
3. Get a woman that puts out.
4. Get a woman who will stay faithful to you forever.
And, most importantly:
5. Never let those four women meet each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxgems/a_mans_guide_to_love_and_lasting_relationships/
%
What do you call a man that can't stand?

Neal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxgb45/what_do_you_call_a_man_that_cant_stand/
%
If satan had hair and ever lost it

There would be hell toupee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxg3ox/if_satan_had_hair_and_ever_lost_it/
%
What does a blind man say when he listens to Braille music for the first time?

This shit bumps!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxg3bi/what_does_a_blind_man_say_when_he_listens_to/
%
I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup.

I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."
She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"
I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxfy85/i_was_in_the_supermarket_the_other_day_and_there/
%
A man is lying on his deathbed...

...When he smells the best smell he’d ever smelled. He gets up and shuffles to the kitchen. He  sees his wife standing over the most delicious looking chocolate chip cookies he’d ever seen. He reaches for one with his last strength, and his wife slaps his hand away and says,
“No! Those are for the funeral!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxffft/a_man_is_lying_on_his_deathbed/
%
What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?

U.V. Ray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxfcib/what_is_the_best_college_to_apply_to_learn_about/
%
What’s an Alabama man’s favorite dating site?

23andMe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxfc3g/whats_an_alabama_mans_favorite_dating_site/
%
A man with a gun barged into the pub earlier and was threatening violence if the bar didn't play some classic 80s tunes.

Luckily The Police turned up and sorted him out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxfajf/a_man_with_a_gun_barged_into_the_pub_earlier_and/
%
Knock knock. Who's there? Gwen. Gwen who?

Gwen find another joke, this one's rubbish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxf7u5/knock_knock_whos_there_gwen_gwen_who/
%
First visit to Australia

Ken: "What do you think of Australia so far?"
Barbie: "Get these damn shrimp off me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxf7p2/first_visit_to_australia/
%
So before the Irish, there were the Ir

not to say that the Irish aren't like the Ir. They're just Ir-ish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxf7ly/so_before_the_irish_there_were_the_ir/
%
My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.

He is not a drinker, just shitty at crosswords.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxf0o9/my_dads_answer_to_everything_is_alcohol/
%
What’s the most popular form of photography in American high schools?

Point and shoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxeq5d/whats_the_most_popular_form_of_photography_in/
%
What do you call a retired mailman?

A post officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxel86/what_do_you_call_a_retired_mailman/
%
When I was in grade school a girl showed me her "peepee". I showed mine, teacher caught it.

And then they fired me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxefn9/when_i_was_in_grade_school_a_girl_showed_me_her/
%
I decided to chat up the person next to me at the sperm bank yesterday.

I said, "Do you come here often?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxeedf/i_decided_to_chat_up_the_person_next_to_me_at_the/
%
What do British women call their menstruation cycles?

A bloody mess
(messed up the first post)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxed41/what_do_british_women_call_their_menstruation/
%
(NSFW) A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sitting in the waiting room of an OB/Gyn office. All three are about six months pregnant.

The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, “I read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.”
The redhead says, “well I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boy”
The blonde starts wailing and crying “oh god! I’m going to have puppies!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxe9g3/nsfw_a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_sitting_in/
%
The gave the sun a rating

It was only one star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxe5vo/the_gave_the_sun_a_rating/
%
What is the difference between Communism and a Pencil ?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxe50b/what_is_the_difference_between_communism_and_a/
%
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house.
The difference is staggering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxe273/its_a_5_minute_walk_from_my_house_to_the_bar/
%
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxe1z9/my_wife_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out_instead_of/
%
Everytime i go out for a meal with my wife she's always like 'enjoying your meat... MURDERER!'

Like geez... Why can't she just forget the time i shot her mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxe1xn/everytime_i_go_out_for_a_meal_with_my_wife_shes/
%
I'm hosting an edging party tomorrow.

You can't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxdxut/im_hosting_an_edging_party_tomorrow/
%
A 13 year old boy walks into the whorehouse...

and asks for sex with a girl who suffers from an STD.  Aghast, the madame asks him why on earth he'd want an STD.
He replies "It's not for me, exactly. I want to give it to the babysitter."
She asks him "Why do you want your babysitter to have the clap?"
He replies "Well, she'll give it to my dad, my dad will give it to the upstairs maid, the maid will give it to the postman, and the postman will give it to my mom."
Horrified, she screams "Why do you want your mother to have the clap?"
The kid giggles, and says "She'll give it to the milkman, and he's the SOB who ran over my bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxdqxl/a_13_year_old_boy_walks_into_the_whorehouse/
%
I will never forget my grandpas last words.

"Stop shaking the ladder you piece of ****"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxdn9i/i_will_never_forget_my_grandpas_last_words/
%
I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie.  This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxczp6/i_was_cleaning_out_my_closet_and_found_an_old/
%
Why are Egyptians so good at farting?

They have good Sphinxters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxcse7/why_are_egyptians_so_good_at_farting/
%
Why couldn't the pen cross the road?

Because it was stationery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxcj0y/why_couldnt_the_pen_cross_the_road/
%
What's the difference between a for-profit school and a for-profit prison?

You have to buy your lunch at school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxcii6/whats_the_difference_between_a_forprofit_school/
%
A terrorist walks into a bar

Bartender : OK boomer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxceph/a_terrorist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What time is it when you see a crocodile?

Time to run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxccgq/what_time_is_it_when_you_see_a_crocodile/
%
To the on the run criminals out there that are having trouble with your love lives..

You are wanted and I just wanted to tell you that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxc989/to_the_on_the_run_criminals_out_there_that_are/
%
Three blondes walk into a bar

You think the third one would have seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxc3p6/three_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
%
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...

It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxc1fp/for_my_girlfriends_birthday_i_got_her_a_dwarfish/
%
I call my horse Mayo

And sometimes mayonnaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxbzey/i_call_my_horse_mayo/
%
How do you get a sweet little old grandma to curse?

Shout *Bingo*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxbyqa/how_do_you_get_a_sweet_little_old_grandma_to_curse/
%
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?

Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxbdde/did_you_hear_mary_poppins_stopped_wearing/
%
My wife and I were both happy for 26 years

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxb6b1/my_wife_and_i_were_both_happy_for_26_years/
%
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxb62g/i_just_killed_a_huge_spider_crawling_along_the/
%
Darth Vader asked the Emperor how many pizzas he should get...

Palpatine: order 66...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxawqk/darth_vader_asked_the_emperor_how_many_pizzas_he/
%
I told my psychiatrist I have suicidal thoughts.

He told me I now have to pay in advance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxaqmg/i_told_my_psychiatrist_i_have_suicidal_thoughts/
%
Why was the condom flying through the air?

Because it was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxapib/why_was_the_condom_flying_through_the_air/
%
Why is Trump no fun to play UNO with?

He keeps all the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxanl7/why_is_trump_no_fun_to_play_uno_with/
%
Have you met my buddy Mushroom?

He's a fungi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxama6/have_you_met_my_buddy_mushroom/
%
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

That will make it a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxalnv/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches_long/
%
How do turn root beer into beer?

.. Put it in a square glass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxagu7/how_do_turn_root_beer_into_beer/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman,...

a Scotsman,a welshman, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a Swede, two Finns, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Greenlander, an Austrian, a Hungarian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Latvian, an Estonian, a Russian, a Turk, an Egyptian, a Palestinian, an Israeli, a Greek, a Macedonian, a Chinese guy, a Japanese guy,a Laotian, a Vietnamese guy, a Cambodian, a North Korean, a Canadian, a Brazilian,an Australian, a New Zealander, a South African, a Libyan, a Moroccan, a Spaniard and Cuban try to walk into a fancy cocktail bar.
The bouncer says l, 'Sorry, lads...you can't come in without a thai.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxaafi/an_englishman_an_irishman/
%
My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car...

And she wants me to drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxa7z5/my_wife_said_she_wants_to_have_sex_in_the_back/
%
Dark comedy is like food

The best kinds use children as an ingredient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dxa1ed/dark_comedy_is_like_food/
%
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.

Blunt force trauma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx9h2a/ok_so_a_stoner_a_jedi_and_a_surgeon_walk_into_a/
%
Why do bears have a fur coat

Because they would look silly in a sweater (I got that from my grandpa)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx9cqm/why_do_bears_have_a_fur_coat/
%
Winter coat was asked if she’s going to a party.

“I’m down.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx98y3/winter_coat_was_asked_if_shes_going_to_a_party/
%
I recently saw on the news they caught the man who robbed a Campbell’s soup truck...

I hope they they lock him up for mmmmm...good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx960v/i_recently_saw_on_the_news_they_caught_the_man/
%
Sometimes she just knows

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house.  Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.  "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you.  I've been having an affair with my secretary.  I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx95kg/sometimes_she_just_knows/
%
Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.

So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx91p5/research_has_shown_that_laughing_for_two_minutes/
%
What’s the difference between a disaster and a tragedy?

A disaster would be if Donald Trump fell into a ditch.
A tragedy would be if someone pulled him out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx8z1q/whats_the_difference_between_a_disaster_and_a/
%
After creating the Nile, God became the first self promoter on twitch.

"Check out my stream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx8wqy/after_creating_the_nile_god_became_the_first_self/
%
It has been proven that Greta Thunberg is making a real difference to climate change

Every time she comes on the TV approximately 1 million people switch it off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx8sh7/it_has_been_proven_that_greta_thunberg_is_making/
%
My friend Richard just packed all of his belongings and left the country without letting me know.

That was a Dick move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx8rce/my_friend_richard_just_packed_all_of_his/
%
Webster's dictionary recently changed the spelling of Aquarius to "Ahquarius."

This is the donning of the "h" of Ahquarius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx8p6n/websters_dictionary_recently_changed_the_spelling/
%
Hey girl, are you a communist?

Because I'd love to seize your means of reproduction ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx8fhd/hey_girl_are_you_a_communist/
%
We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the...

Minneapolis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx8fd6/we_all_know_where_the_big_apple_is_but_does/
%
An old Irish saying about worrying.

There are only two things in life to worry about: if you are well or if you are sick. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about.
If you are sick, there are only two things to worry about: if you will get better or if you will die. If you get better, there is nothing to worry about.
If you die, there are only two things to worry about: if you will go to Heaven or if you will go to Hell. If you go to Heaven there is nothing to worry about. If you go to Hell, you will be too busy catching up with old friends that you won’t have time to worry.
So why worry?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx8blj/an_old_irish_saying_about_worrying/
%
I was doing some gardening when my friend asked me to go out and have a drink with him. I said no cause I was gardening. He said 'Come on

*BROS BEFORE HOES*
It's a shit joke ik dont bully me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx8b5c/i_was_doing_some_gardening_when_my_friend_asked/
%
I have a good friend who loves to wear camo

I haven't seem him in years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx8a5q/i_have_a_good_friend_who_loves_to_wear_camo/
%
How do you contact a dead meme?

Using a Walouija board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx89zk/how_do_you_contact_a_dead_meme/
%
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx85uf/a_womans_husband_had_been_slipping_in_and_out_of/
%
Dads are like boomerangs.

Or at least I hope so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx82b3/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
When you rearrange the letters of postmen

They become very angry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx7xpi/when_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
%
Why do mice have such small balls?

Because not many of them know how to dance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx7wph/why_do_mice_have_such_small_balls/
%
If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx7vx4/if_a_crime_is_committed_often_enough_it/
%
A politician visited a village in India

A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were.
”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”
On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
“Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx7vax/a_politician_visited_a_village_in_india/
%
A man with a stutter died in prison

Before he could finish his sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx7nte/a_man_with_a_stutter_died_in_prison/
%
You know what’s really odd?

Numbers not divisible by 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx7i8n/you_know_whats_really_odd/
%
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx7cjx/the_maid_asked_her_boss_the_wife_for_a_raise_and/
%
Sometimes I crouch, put my arms around my knees and leaning forward.

Some people may not like it.
But that’s how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx766t/sometimes_i_crouch_put_my_arms_around_my_knees/
%
The Power of Prayer

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building
to increase their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the
business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer
sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand
re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the
ground!
After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the
church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power
of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the
church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the
church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and
her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or
means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied
any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know
how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the
paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in
the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's
all bullshit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx75r6/the_power_of_prayer/
%
My dentist removed the wrong tooth today.

It was accidental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx75l1/my_dentist_removed_the_wrong_tooth_today/
%
How the government works

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way.
However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx756v/how_the_government_works/
%
What do you call a singing kitchen utensil?

A spatu-laaaaaah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx700z/what_do_you_call_a_singing_kitchen_utensil/
%
A three-legged old west dog walks into a saloon

his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip.
He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims,
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx6qkp/a_threelegged_old_west_dog_walks_into_a_saloon/
%
Alabama: The land of 5 million people...

...and 4 last names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx6ome/alabama_the_land_of_5_million_people/
%
A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink.

As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”
He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?
”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx6n96/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_after_a_long_day_at_work/
%
The thing about the seven dwarves is...

six out of seven of them are not happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx6lsm/the_thing_about_the_seven_dwarves_is/
%
You shouldn’t write with a broken pencil

It’s pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx6ldw/you_shouldnt_write_with_a_broken_pencil/
%
I'm thinking about staying in bed to watch a movie with my girlfriend

Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx6kr4/im_thinking_about_staying_in_bed_to_watch_a_movie/
%
My friend gave me his epi-pen as he was dying

It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx6h1o/my_friend_gave_me_his_epipen_as_he_was_dying/
%
Trump just banned the import of any European cheese into America

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx6fw7/trump_just_banned_the_import_of_any_european/
%
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.  They're very efficient, and not very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx6fo4/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx6fgz/the_protests_in_hong_kong_have_been_continuous/
%
In breaking news

Corduroy pillows are making head lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx6e4z/in_breaking_news/
%
All my colleagues at work call me “Mr. Compromise.”

It isn’t my first choice for a nickname, but I’m ok with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx68yd/all_my_colleagues_at_work_call_me_mr_compromise/
%
My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex

So now we use lube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx67qi/my_girlfriend_has_started_to_smoke_after_sex/
%
What do you call a group of prostitutes?

A whoard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx62ud/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_prostitutes/
%
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So they won't be confused with feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx61go/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
%
You know how sweet it is when you see lovers names carved in a tree

Yeah well I don’t find it romantic. I just find it scary how many people bring knives on a date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx5yjq/you_know_how_sweet_it_is_when_you_see_lovers/
%
What does Trump do early in the morning?

He lies in his bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx5yje/what_does_trump_do_early_in_the_morning/
%
I recently subscribed to Asian Maritime History Monthly...

but haven't received a single issue. Then I remembered I had "No junk mail" on my door.
This is the worst, super specific pun I've come up with so far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx5t4f/i_recently_subscribed_to_asian_maritime_history/
%
What separates man from animal

Divorce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx5r0y/what_separates_man_from_animal/
%
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”

“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.”
“So what is it then?” she asked.
I said, “Its a OnePlus.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx5p0e/i_was_in_the_park_today_when_a_woman_came_up_to/
%
Why do white supremacists like laundry?

Because they get to separate coloureds from whites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx5g5o/why_do_white_supremacists_like_laundry/
%
how to become a prophet

1-write things that don't make sense on a paper
2-bury it
3-prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx5frj/how_to_become_a_prophet/
%
Is buttcheeks one word?

Or should I spread em?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx59h3/is_buttcheeks_one_word/
%
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx57kv/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx57cy/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx570z/i_was_wondering_why_the_ball_was_getting_bigger/
%
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight

To fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx550g/i_asked_my_wife_to_dress_up_as_a_nurse_tonight/
%
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

Apparently the answer is "banned from the petting zoo".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx53xm/what_do_you_get_if_you_insert_human_dna_into_a/
%
What's a tomato's greatest desire?

A jerrymato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx52ct/whats_a_tomatos_greatest_desire/
%
What do you call your boner when you get caught masturbating?

hard evidence.
sry guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx4zdo/what_do_you_call_your_boner_when_you_get_caught/
%
"Got any crackers?"

asked the duck of the bartender.
The bartender replies "No, get out of here!"
The duck returns after a few minutes and asks "Got any crackers?"
The bartender yells "No! If you ask me again, I'm gonna nail your beak shut!"
The duck returns in a half hour. "Got any nails?"
"NO! Get out of here!"
"Got any crackers?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx4yo9/got_any_crackers/
%
What does my dad and a guy with erectile dysfunction have in common?

Neither of them are coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx4wrz/what_does_my_dad_and_a_guy_with_erectile/
%
Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From the well, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx4qyo/where_does_a_mansplainer_get_his_water/
%
How do you call a Mexican who lost his car ?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx4n4s/how_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.
"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".
"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".
"I told you, we don't have any!"
"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".
The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in strawberry?"
"S - T - R - A - W"
"Correct! Now, can you spell 'water' as in watermelon?"
"W - A - T - E - R"
"Very good! Now can you spell 'fuck' as in 'ice cream'?"
"But there isn't any fuck in ice cream!"
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, LADY!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx4m1w/give_me_some_chocolate_ice_cream_please/
%
Two horsemen were riding towards each other.

They came up face to face on the other sides of a bridge. The bridge was not wide enough for them both to cross so they had to decide who goes first. The other horseman said ”Move out of the way or the same will happen to you that happened to the last horseman.” Well, the other man moved but still decided to ask what happened to the last horseman. He replied ”Well, when he didn’t move, I had to.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx4dvj/two_horsemen_were_riding_towards_each_other/
%
Why don't centrists build aeroplanes?

Because they keep leaving out the left and right wings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx3znl/why_dont_centrists_build_aeroplanes/
%
Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx3qmh/why_wont_the_republicans_impeach_trump/
%
I tried to catch fog in a jar yesterday.

Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx3kxh/i_tried_to_catch_fog_in_a_jar_yesterday/
%
Did you hear about that VR headset made out of solid gold?

It shows you an Augmented reality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx3k1q/did_you_hear_about_that_vr_headset_made_out_of/
%
So someone has anonymously complained that I've given inappropriate nicknames to my female co-workers

I'm not sure who it is but I've strong suspicion it might be Bitchface Bigtits....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx3i3m/so_someone_has_anonymously_complained_that_ive/
%
What do toilet paper and the USS Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for cling-ons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx3ejq/what_do_toilet_paper_and_the_uss_enterprise_have/
%
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx3d4w/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
A man with stutter died in Prison.

Before he could finish his sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx3a22/a_man_with_stutter_died_in_prison/
%
Fat people start their alphabet with the letter "o"

O-B-C-D....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx37kj/fat_people_start_their_alphabet_with_the_letter_o/
%
What's the difference between light and hard?

>!You can't sleep with the light on.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx2tiu/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
What did the Mexican Fire Chief name his two sons?

Jose and Hose B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx2nsp/what_did_the_mexican_fire_chief_name_his_two_sons/
%
Beer Nuts are Really Expensive

Deer Nuts are Usually Under A Buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx2ng1/beer_nuts_are_really_expensive/
%
How do you make an old lady say "fuck"?

Make another old lady say "bingo".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx2490/how_do_you_make_an_old_lady_say_fuck/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx23ge/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there’s no difference but there is.
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!
And if you marry a wife who likes shopping you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx228k/no_english_dictionary_has_been_able_to_explain/
%
On July 22nd I went to the hospital emergency room thinking I had a Cancer.

Labour took longer than expected however and instead I had a Leo on July 23rd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx1xun/on_july_22nd_i_went_to_the_hospital_emergency/
%
What does a creepy pokemon do while you're in the shower?

Pikachu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx1vt8/what_does_a_creepy_pokemon_do_while_youre_in_the/
%
Never ask a dung beetle to help you with anything.

They have enough shit to deal with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx1uw5/never_ask_a_dung_beetle_to_help_you_with_anything/
%
Jeffery Epstein likes his video games like he likes his suicides

Co-op

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx1rgx/jeffery_epstein_likes_his_video_games_like_he/
%
Are camo-pattern clothes still in fashion?

I don't see them anywhere these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx1pkg/are_camopattern_clothes_still_in_fashion/
%
Poop jokes aren't my favourite

But they're a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx1om8/poop_jokes_arent_my_favourite/
%
What’s the difference between a chick pea and a snap pea ?

I’ve never had a snap pea on my face before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx1mxc/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
%
Why are circumcisions cheap in Israel?

Because rabbis work for tips.
Part Jewish here 🇮🇱

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx1lus/why_are_circumcisions_cheap_in_israel/
%
If Jack helped you off a horse,

would you help jack off a horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx1dpd/if_jack_helped_you_off_a_horse/
%
If you run in front of a car

You will get tired.
And if you run behind a car,
you will get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx1cxu/if_you_run_in_front_of_a_car/
%
LPT: Sweet tasting urine is often the first symptom for those with undiagnosed diabetes. In related news..

.. my hamster has diabetes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx16td/lpt_sweet_tasting_urine_is_often_the_first/
%
[NSFW] I like my women like I like my coffee:

No pubes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx15tf/nsfw_i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Why does a duck have feathers?

To cover up its butt quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx14xc/why_does_a_duck_have_feathers/
%
I'm a scientist doing research in bestiality.

Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx13lu/im_a_scientist_doing_research_in_bestiality/
%
Be careful on the road this festive season. Lots of men are drinking

And getting their wives to drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx116o/be_careful_on_the_road_this_festive_season_lots/
%
My wife left me because I'm "insecure".

Wait, never mind.
She was just pooping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx0zp5/my_wife_left_me_because_im_insecure/
%
Guy says to his wife mind if i stick it in your ear love?

She says: That wont make me deaf,,will it?
He answers:  Hon I have been shoving it in your mouth for 10 years. That didn't shut you up any.
EDIT - Sorry, bad copy pasta, but the joke is still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx0rvf/guy_says_to_his_wife_mind_if_i_stick_it_in_your/
%
Her: Come over

I can't I've been arrested for double homicide
My parents aren't home
About that......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx0rs5/her_come_over/
%
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?

Quacks in the pavement!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx0hif/what_do_you_get_if_you_put_a_duck_in_a_cement/
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So a guy is having drinks at a bar .....

After a while he looks over and sees a huge jar stuffed to the brim with 20 dollar bills. He asks the bar tender " hey whats with the jar? Theres gotta be at least 4 grand in there?" to which the bar tender replies " oh, you wouldn't wanna know. Its just a running bet" The guy says " try me. I love bets"So the bar tender explains, " well first you gotta leave a $20 in the jar." Then he points to a tall man in the corner. He's 6'2" with the biggest muscles in the bar. The bartenders says " once you leave the $20 you gotta walk to lenny over there and knock him out cold. After that, you gotta go out into the alley. Theres a real old pit bull with a bad tooth. you're gonna have to do him a favour and pull the tooth. After that the last thing you gotta do is head up stairs. We have a very old prostitute named patty in her 80's and you have to pleasure her completely like shes never been pleasured before. Once you do all that, you win the jar."The guy just laughs, " wow that's fuckin crazy. I cant believe you have had that many people attempt this before." He chuckles to himself and goes back to his beer. After a few hours and one too many drinks, the guy looks over at lenny thinks " that guy isn't even that tall or buff. I could deck him. Besides what's the worse that could happen?" drunkenly he chugs his beer and walks over to lenny. The guy makes one clean punch to lennys face and lenny falls to the floor knocked out cold. At this point the bar is silent now. Everyone is watching the guy.The guy starts heading for the back door and grabs a drink out of someone's hand, chugs it and tosses the glass. Then continues to head to the back alley.Everyone in the bar is still silent and all they can hear is the roughest fight coming from the alley way. There's a cacophony of screaming and howling that goes on for nearly half an hour. Suddenly it stops. The drunk guy stumbles in, covered in blood and sweat. His clothes are disheveled and torn here and there. He drunkenly limps to the bar tender and says " alright man, Wheres that hooker with a bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx09d0/so_a_guy_is_having_drinks_at_a_bar/
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Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking

*Where the fuck is my roof?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx0870/last_night_i_was_lying_in_bed_gazing_up_at_the/
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Brenda was desperately trying to get her co-worker, Yuhap, into bed. He finally agreed to go on a date. After a few drinks she made her move on Yuhap. He said he wasn’t interested in anything physical. She was so turned on that she offered him $500 to sleep with her. He got offended and left.

She learned an important lesson.  Money won’t buy Yuhap penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dx07s5/brenda_was_desperately_trying_to_get_her_coworker/
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Hospital Gown

What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?
You think you’re covered, but you’re not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwzq7b/hospital_gown/
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What do you call a person who can revive black people?

A negromancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwzf5t/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_can_revive_black/
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My favorite thing to do after sex is cuddle with my wife

I always leave money on the dresser and make sure to rush home to her after I’m finished

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwzbuw/my_favorite_thing_to_do_after_sex_is_cuddle_with/
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100 year old lady is asked what's her secret

"Well, for a good digestion, I drink beer. If I don't have an appetite, I drink white wine. If my blood pressure is low, I drink red wine. When I have a cold I drink whiskey. "
"And water, when do you drink water?"
"I've never been that sick. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwz3jf/100_year_old_lady_is_asked_whats_her_secret/
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I keep confusing Descartes with Diogenes

I am what I am, a plucked chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwyzow/i_keep_confusing_descartes_with_diogenes/
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An indian and Albert einstein make a bet, Albert einstein says for every question you say and I don't have an answer for I will give you $500 and when I have a question you can't answer you will give me $5. The indian agrees. Albert asks him what 96950x30857 is, then the indian gives him $5 then...

The indian asks him, what goes up a mountain with 3 legs and comes down with 4, albert is stumped and gives him $500 then curious albert asks the indian what does go up a mountain with 3 legs and come down with 4? Then the indian gives him $5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwyz7l/an_indian_and_albert_einstein_make_a_bet_albert/
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A man walks into a bar, slams down four drinks, and starts tonguing everything in the tavern.

He was later arrested for drunken pub lick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwyy3v/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_slams_down_four_drinks_and/
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Little Johnny's b day

It was little Johnny's 8th b day. His mom was about to take a shower when little Johnny asked her if he can shower with her.
Little Johnny's mom said no.
Johnny said that it was her b day and she finally said yes.
In the shower little Johnny looked up a little and asked his mom what is that.
His mom said that it was her garage.
Little Johnny finished his shower. A little later little Johnny's father is about to take a shower.
Little Johnny asked his dad if he can take a shower with him.
The dad said no.
Little Johnny said it was his b day.
The father said fine.
In the shower little Johnny looked up and asked his dad what is that.
His dad said it was his Honda.
After the shower they were all going to go to sleep. Little Johnny asked if he could sleep with them.
They said no.
Little Johny said it was his b day.
They said fine.
After they all went to bed, little Johnny's dad told Johnny to move so he could park his Honda in his little Johnny's mom's garage.
Little Johnny said you cant. I already parked my Ferrari

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwywuy/little_johnnys_b_day/
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The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwys5e/the_guys_were_all_at_a_deer_camp/
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What's the difference between red and green?

Nothing if you're a cyclist cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwyrev/whats_the_difference_between_red_and_green/
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How’d you get the name Tony?

I was born with no shins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwyn18/howd_you_get_the_name_tony/
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I finally have enough money to last me the rest of my life.

Unless I buy something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwyg8i/i_finally_have_enough_money_to_last_me_the_rest/
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If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have hired her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwye6r/if_trump_really_wanted_hillary_to_be_locked_up/
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The horse and the chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my penis and pull yourself up." So the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwy88c/the_horse_and_the_chicken/
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Fun Fact: If you were to take out all the organs in your body and stretch them out

You'd die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwy7e3/fun_fact_if_you_were_to_take_out_all_the_organs/
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I heard there is a documentary about the clitoris on Netflix.

I couldn't find it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwy7ea/i_heard_there_is_a_documentary_about_the_clitoris/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because someone didn't do their laundry this week...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwy5zu/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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My wife asked me what's on the TV and my answer made her angry.

I said "Dust".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwy5ou/my_wife_asked_me_whats_on_the_tv_and_my_answer/
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How many pilots do you need for good music?

Well, at least 22.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwy5ch/how_many_pilots_do_you_need_for_good_music/
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So, if Fe = Iron and Male = Man

I’ve been having sex with IronMan all these years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwy4uf/so_if_fe_iron_and_male_man/
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Cat puns freak meowt

Seriously, I'm not kitten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwy311/cat_puns_freak_meowt/
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Do you know what the 'N' on Nebraska's football helmet stands for?

Knowledge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwy26s/do_you_know_what_the_n_on_nebraskas_football/
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What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?

Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwy1sr/what_did_the_mountain_lion_say_to_the_bathroom/
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I have a scary joke about math...

But I am 2² to say it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwxz98/i_have_a_scary_joke_about_math/
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A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God...

" there is one thing I've always wanted to know"
"Ok, ask away," God said.
" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked
" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.
The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwxnq6/a_lady_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_and_is_standing_in/
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Why do garbagemen make great video game teammates?

Because they're used to carrying trash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwxlr4/why_do_garbagemen_make_great_video_game_teammates/
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Once I was in a Uber and when I decided to talk with the driver, so I touched his shoulder, that seriously scared him and he yelled

\-JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL---!
\-Hey, it's just me!
\-Oh, I'm sorry. You have no idea how much you scared me now, I thought this was still my old job.
\-What was your old job?
\-I used to drive hearses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwx7i3/once_i_was_in_a_uber_and_when_i_decided_to_talk/
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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man.  "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest.  The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwx7cr/the_elderly_italian_man_went_to_his_parish_priest/
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TIL: If the Queen farts during dinner, all the other guests should pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwx6bp/til_if_the_queen_farts_during_dinner_all_the/
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I proposed to my girlfriend, and my best friend was there.

I'd been dating my girlfriend for two years, and decided that I'd finally pop the question. In order to make it seamless, I asked my best mate Joe to pass me the ring when I gave him a signal; to add to the element of surprise.
I also asked Joe to be my best man. To be honest, I'd known other frends for longer, but I randomly met Joe one day. I can't remember how; he came from somewhere or other.
So, one night, in a restaurant, I was eating dinner with my girlfriend. Just as we got to desert, I signalled Joe to come over. But he was too hasty, and tripped himself up; he fell into one of the tables, and the glass shattered, puncturing his eye.
We decided to postpone the wedding until Joe was better, so he didn't miss out. We regularly went to visit him in the hospital; they'd given him a cotton patch that he needed to keep on his eye. He was happy to see us all the time; but eventually I had to set him less and less due to my work obligations.
I'd noticed my soon-to-be wife visited him a lot. Getting curious, I snuck in one day to see what they got up to.
But instead of finding those two, I found a note on the table. It turned out that my girlfriend had decided to run away with Joe; and they didn't tell me where.
So, if it hadn't been for cotton-eyed Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did he come from, where did he go? Where did he come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwx3sl/i_proposed_to_my_girlfriend_and_my_best_friend/
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Have you ever tried masturbating with a bell attached to your penis?

I've got to tell you, it's a dick ting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwwyfz/have_you_ever_tried_masturbating_with_a_bell/
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What is a snow shaped batman made of?

Just-ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwwu4e/what_is_a_snow_shaped_batman_made_of/
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If your students are too tall, just go into a brighter room.

Your pupils will get smaller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwwr97/if_your_students_are_too_tall_just_go_into_a/
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My family are worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles.

It's OK though,
I know where to draw the line..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwwpbl/my_family_are_worried_about_my_addiction_to_dot/
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"This represents a candle," he said. "Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells."Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
The man replied, "These are Carol's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwwo2i/three_men_died_on_christmas_eve_and_were_met_by/
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A couple goes to a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks, “What brings you two here today?”
The wife says, “He takes everything literally, l can’t stand it anymore!”
The husband says, “My truck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwwg2l/a_couple_goes_to_a_marriage_counselor/
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Bob was a fierce pirate captain...

Bob owned a 1 cannon ship and every day, he went out and fought with this boat. One day, he came across a different 1 cannon ship. He said "Mate, fetch me my red shirt." His mate returned with his red shirt. Bob put the shirt on, started firing, and won. He went sailing the next day and this day, he found a 5 cannon ship. He said, "mate, fetch me my red shirt." His mate returned with the shirt, Bob put it on and started fighting. He fought and won. On the third day, he found a 10 cannon ship. He said "mate, fetch me mr red shirt" but before he did, his mate asked "why do you want it?" Bob responded by saying, "If somebody shoots me, I will bleed, but the won't be able to tell because the shirt will be the same color of the blood. They will be scared and will go away." Satisfied, his mate got the shirt, and Bob put it on. Bob fought and won with just 1 cannon as he had normally. On the fourth day, he saw a ship with 30 cannons and it was approaching fast. Bob, worried, said "Mate, fetch me my brown pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwwfhv/bob_was_a_fierce_pirate_captain/
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Teacher : Who's your favourite Actor?

Me: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Teacher: Spell it?!
Me: only joking its Jet Li

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dww5i5/teacher_whos_your_favourite_actor/
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What happens when an Asian guy with an erection runs into a wall?

He hurts his nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dww4yk/what_happens_when_an_asian_guy_with_an_erection/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dww48e/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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A mosquito landed on my wife's face while she was asleep

Easiest decision of my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dww0e1/a_mosquito_landed_on_my_wifes_face_while_she_was/
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Obesity may not be the biggest cause of death...

But it is the *~biggest~* cause of death,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwvzya/obesity_may_not_be_the_biggest_cause_of_death/
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What do you call an Egyptian god who's bad at videogames?

Anoobis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwvxpr/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_god_whos_bad_at/
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My wife and I decided we don’t want children

We’ll be telling them tonight wish us luck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwvw0z/my_wife_and_i_decided_we_dont_want_children/
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Why did the music teacher get arrested

For fingering A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwvrzn/why_did_the_music_teacher_get_arrested/
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What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.
In a religion that person is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwvpo0/whats_the_difference_between_a_religion_and_a_cult/
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I ran into the back of a car today.

A gorgeous leggy blond got out and said "Ram me up the arse, why don't you?"
And that, Your Honour, is where the confusion began....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwvog4/i_ran_into_the_back_of_a_car_today/
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If the “southpaws” got their name from a guy who pointed his paw to the south..

How did the Eastwoods get theirs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwvo4y/if_the_southpaws_got_their_name_from_a_guy_who/
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When I heard they had found a cure for Dyslexia....

It was like music to my arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwvk9n/when_i_heard_they_had_found_a_cure_for_dyslexia/
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwvjoo/what_time_is_it_when_an_elephant_sits_on_your/
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Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwve1g/why_is_christmas_just_like_your_job/
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What's scarier than a pit bull with AIDS?

The guy who gave it to him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwvbcg/whats_scarier_than_a_pit_bull_with_aids/
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"If you don't get us a dog you don't love me" Says my daughter.

"That sounds like blackmail" I said back.
My daughter runs to my wife and shouted "Dad said we would have a dog as long as it is a black male!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwv158/if_you_dont_get_us_a_dog_you_dont_love_me_says_my/
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The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.

Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwukm9/the_man_saw_a_woman_standing_sheepishly_in_the/
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My sister said she can walk through walls so I called her a liar.

Then I saw her phase, now I'm a believer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwukhu/my_sister_said_she_can_walk_through_walls_so_i/
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Why did no one in prison want to mess with the mitochondria?

It was the powerhouse of the cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwujzk/why_did_no_one_in_prison_want_to_mess_with_the/
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Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

If they had four, they'd be chicken sedans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwuj0i/why_do_chicken_coops_only_have_two_doors/
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Why did pilots decide to unionize?

They couldn’t pass up this golden airport unity!
=D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwufdk/why_did_pilots_decide_to_unionize/
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How to burn 3500 calories ( a pound of fat) in your sleep!

Sleep for 55 hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwts3n/how_to_burn_3500_calories_a_pound_of_fat_in_your/
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I had a hot girlfriend but then she sent me an email in Helvetica and I had to move on.

Not my type

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwtaua/i_had_a_hot_girlfriend_but_then_she_sent_me_an/
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so a father bought a lie detector machine and he asked his son "did you go to school today"

He said "yes" the machine beeps
then he says "okay okay i went to the movies with some friends" \*beep\*
Finally he admits "fine i went out drinking with some buddies"
the father says "when i was your age i didn't do anything like that" \*beep\*
then the mother says "wow he really is your son"
\*BEEP\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwt7uc/so_a_father_bought_a_lie_detector_machine_and_he/
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What do Christmas ornaments and Epstein have in common

They don’t hang themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwt5z8/what_do_christmas_ornaments_and_epstein_have_in/
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My smart watch tracks my wrist movement while I'm watching porn...

The feature is called a step-sibling counter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwszxc/my_smart_watch_tracks_my_wrist_movement_while_im/
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I went to my psychologist and said "Doc, I think I'm schizophrenic."

He said, "That makes four of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwsx3o/i_went_to_my_psychologist_and_said_doc_i_think_im/
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One time in first grade at recess...

I went up to this girl I liked in my class and started talking to her. This lil asshole kid came up and loudly exclaimed "shes MY girlfriend" I was mad so I punched him as hard as I could in the nose. Blood and tears everywhere. In an act of passion I kissed the girl and the other teachers freaked out and came running over. That's how I lost my job as a substitute teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwshwn/one_time_in_first_grade_at_recess/
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What brand of computer has the best singing voice?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwsgxq/what_brand_of_computer_has_the_best_singing_voice/
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Disney just announced a new show for D+ about a time-traveling soccer mom

It’s called The Vandalorian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dws97c/disney_just_announced_a_new_show_for_d_about_a/
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The way to solve the opioid problem is to legalize the drugs,

but only sell them through Comcast customer service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dws8m4/the_way_to_solve_the_opioid_problem_is_to/
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What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people of Dubai don't like Fred Flintstone but the people of Abu Dhabi do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dws1wz/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
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[first day as a pilot]

Me: what are all these buttons for?
Co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dws179/first_day_as_a_pilot/
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What's the most expensive haircut

Chemotherapy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwrxbz/whats_the_most_expensive_haircut/
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What did one popcorn bag say to the other?

I bet you're pretty pop-ular.
Please don't kill me. . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwrw2l/what_did_one_popcorn_bag_say_to_the_other/
%
Why can’t the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal for breakfast?

They choke when they get too close to a bowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwrs9f/why_cant_the_minnesota_vikings_eat_cereal_for/
%
So Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and he says

Can you make me one with everything...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwrl5r/so_dalai_lama_walks_into_a_pizza_shop_and_he_says/
%
A Queen and a King exist peacefully.

The King needed to travel to a far away kingdom for business, leaving the Queen alone, he put 10 guards in charge of protecting her, and as a precaution, he slid a blade in the inside of her vagina, to make anyone that sleeps with her while his out regret it, after the long travel he comes back and commands every guard in charge of her to get naked, all of them did so,
The first guards penis was cut, and so was the second's until the ninth, and as he was checking the tenth he noticed his penis was perfectly free of any cuts or any scars, and the king told him "as you obeyed my commands and was clean, unlike your fellow guards, you'll be given a fortune as a thank you" and the guard with a smiling face said "apprethiat it thir! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwrl4w/a_queen_and_a_king_exist_peacefully/
%
What do you call it when a light bulb is falling into a trash can?

It’s in-can-descent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwrknr/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_light_bulb_is_falling/
%
I was going to tell a gay joke.

Butt fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwrfhz/i_was_going_to_tell_a_gay_joke/
%
What do panties and nail polish have in common?

Both can be removed with alchohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwr8kp/what_do_panties_and_nail_polish_have_in_common/
%
Ghosts!

So it's the first day of the parapsychology class. The teacher asks, "How many of you believe in ghosts?"
All of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have ever seen a ghost?"
About 90% of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have ever touched a ghost?"
About 20% of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have ever had sex with a ghost?"
One hand in the back goes up.
"Really!" says the teacher. "I've been teaching this class for 10 years, and nobody has ever raised their hand to that question. Sir, could you please stand up and tell the class what it was like to have sex with a ghost?"
The man stands up and says, "I'm terribly sorry. I thought you said 'a goat.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwr8ez/ghosts/
%
What award did Joaquin Phoenix win for his weight loss transformation into Arthur Fleck in "Joker"?

Atrophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwqrh5/what_award_did_joaquin_phoenix_win_for_his_weight/
%
Why Are Murders So Hard To Solve In The U.S. Deep South?

All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwqpky/why_are_murders_so_hard_to_solve_in_the_us_deep/
%
Why does McDonalds like to hire altar boys?

Because if you can turn on a priest, you can turn on a fryer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwqkc3/why_does_mcdonalds_like_to_hire_altar_boys/
%
Why are the Chinese the best in the world at maths?

Because under communism, everything is equal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwqk7j/why_are_the_chinese_the_best_in_the_world_at_maths/
%
I've been trying to get over my fear of elevators.

I've been taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwqisk/ive_been_trying_to_get_over_my_fear_of_elevators/
%
If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwqf0r/if_you_have_an_opinion_about_my_life_please_raise/
%
what pokemon would Hitler be?

Gastly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwqed6/what_pokemon_would_hitler_be/
%
Got a new phone today.

My old one failed the swimming test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwqdyx/got_a_new_phone_today/
%
My girlfriend just sent me nudes!

I just wish she was on the pictures, rather than her father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwqclz/my_girlfriend_just_sent_me_nudes/
%
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...

He's a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwq83a/i_buy_all_my_guns_from_a_guy_named_trex/
%
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"
Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"
Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwq4q4/a_young_law_student_having_failed_his_law_exam/
%
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts generally go for three dollars or so, but deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwq3vc/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwq2nm/an_older_white_haired_man_walked_into_a_jewellery/
%
There are 3 types of people in the world

Ones who can do math and ones who can't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwq2lb/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive

I was lucky my older brother told me about it really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwpynf/as_a_child_i_had_a_medical_condition_that_meant_i/
%
I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwprta/i_still_remember_my_childhood_fondly_when_my_dad/
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I have to speak at my child’s school today

I suppose the old trick of picturing the audience naked if I get nervous doesn’t apply here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwpr55/i_have_to_speak_at_my_childs_school_today/
%
What do you call an ant that doesn't smell bad?

Deodorant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwpngo/what_do_you_call_an_ant_that_doesnt_smell_bad/
%
I tried throwing a boomerang years ago

Still live in never ending fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwplmi/i_tried_throwing_a_boomerang_years_ago/
%
How do I get rid off my STD?

I've tried fucking everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwpjwa/how_do_i_get_rid_off_my_std/
%
A man and his best buddy are driving around. The best buddy finally says "Listen I gotta ask, how long have you been wearing that bra?"

The man, frowning, responds "Ever since my wife found it under that seat you're in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwpjtx/a_man_and_his_best_buddy_are_driving_around_the/
%
What's the difference between a capitalist world and a socialist one?

In the first, man exploits man. In the second, it's the other way around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwpihy/whats_the_difference_between_a_capitalist_world/
%
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!
The official laughed and let the old man through.
The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home.
The official laughed and let him through.
When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: Who is that?
Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwpd3z/an_old_jewish_man_was_finally_allowed_to_leave/
%
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?

Insecuri tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwpbkd/whats_a_nervous_persons_favorite_drink/
%
I started a company selling land mines disquised as prayer matts...

Prophets are going through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwp9rz/i_started_a_company_selling_land_mines_disquised/
%
Why did the Swiss man take his car to a mechanic?

It kept getting stuck in neutral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwp500/why_did_the_swiss_man_take_his_car_to_a_mechanic/
%
What do you call two fat people having a conversation?

A heavy discussion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwp2vf/what_do_you_call_two_fat_people_having_a/
%
Nobody even noticed that Thailand announced they were starting a Space Force too....

Who’s really worried about Thai fighters anyway?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwp01x/nobody_even_noticed_that_thailand_announced_they/
%
Men who sticks their dick in jar of peanut butter...

are fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwow45/men_who_sticks_their_dick_in_jar_of_peanut_butter/
%
How do you turn flour into self-raising flour?

Kick it out on to the streets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwor83/how_do_you_turn_flour_into_selfraising_flour/
%
I have a problem respecting transgenders..

This one person got really angry and I had no idea why. And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwomkh/i_have_a_problem_respecting_transgenders/
%
Never join or even start a dogfight or catfight.

It's useless fighting against bitches and pussies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwo0e7/never_join_or_even_start_a_dogfight_or_catfight/
%
No matter how kind you are...

German children are Kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwntuw/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
Mickey Mouse decided to divorce Minnie Mouse

At the court, The judge said to Mickey, “So you made the decision to divorce Minnie because she was crazy?” Mickey then replied and said “No, it was because she was fucking Goofy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwnszl/mickey_mouse_decided_to_divorce_minnie_mouse/
%
A marketing team had to make a Coca-Cola ad for Arabia

So they sent their best man on the  job. When he came back, they saw that the campaign failed miserably and nobody was buying the product. So the team asked him what happened. He explained:
We made a billboard with three images. On the first one, there is a person that is very unhealthy and about to die. In the second image, they are drinking Coca-Cola. In the third one, they are now refreshed and as healthy as ever!
The team thought this was an amazing ad and asked, "Why didn't this work?"
"Turns out, they read from right to left!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwnogl/a_marketing_team_had_to_make_a_cocacola_ad_for/
%
To the guy that embarrased me at my own limbo party

How low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwnoe8/to_the_guy_that_embarrased_me_at_my_own_limbo/
%
How do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwnnd7/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwnmlu/i_thought_i_had_illegal_software_in_my_fridge_but/
%
Why do Afghans have to listen to the radio?

Because of the tele-ban

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwndg3/why_do_afghans_have_to_listen_to_the_radio/
%
Who was the smartest man in the bible?

Abraham. Because He knew a Lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwn47i/who_was_the_smartest_man_in_the_bible/
%
China's national anthem is titled 'March of the Volunteers'

But most people are forced to sing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwn057/chinas_national_anthem_is_titled_march_of_the/
%
A colonial man is walking through town

on a very clear and sunny day. Just as he approached the town center he starts falling until he is suddenly stunned by ice cold water. When asked by the town reporter what had happed the man said simply that he couldn’t see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwmscz/a_colonial_man_is_walking_through_town/
%
It's always nice getting a deal on a hooker

It's a better bang for your buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwmo6n/its_always_nice_getting_a_deal_on_a_hooker/
%
Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwmljz/where_do_you_find_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
My Girlfriend vs. Linkin Park

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwmiiu/my_girlfriend_vs_linkin_park/
%
Loud ammunition is better for hunting deer

That way you get more bang for your buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwmgwm/loud_ammunition_is_better_for_hunting_deer/
%
My four favorite things..

..are chicken pot pie and not using commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwmezp/my_four_favorite_things/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
Bless you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwmdf0/knock_knock/
%
Never make fun of a person who stammers...

Because they'll get their revenge... eventually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwmapy/never_make_fun_of_a_person_who_stammers/
%
Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town...

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.
Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Bob should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Bob thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Bob in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Bob proudly said, "Good!  She's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Bob smiled broadly and replied, "Oh, She's pregnant too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwmadd/mark_the_banker_saw_his_old_nebraska_friend_bob/
%
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be
a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwm1oh/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_two_doors/
%
So my girlfriend and I are about to get down to doing the deed and she whispers "Turn off the light and stick it in my ass" So I did...

She screamed "It Burns!!". I likely could have waited for it to cool off first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwlz8e/so_my_girlfriend_and_i_are_about_to_get_down_to/
%
This morning I bought a thesaurus but when I got it home and finally opened it up, the pages were all blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwluml/this_morning_i_bought_a_thesaurus_but_when_i_got/
%
My wife told me to do the god damned dishes

This happened awhile back when I was still married.
I was playing video games when my wife told me to get my lazy ass into the kitchen to do the god damned dishes
Awhile later she came back and freaked out when she saw I hadn't done any of the dishes.
I calmly explained to her that, as a Buddhist, I had no way of know which of the dishes had been damned by her god, so I played it safe and left them alone.
We're divorced now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwlomv/my_wife_told_me_to_do_the_god_damned_dishes/
%
What do you call a British dinosaur?

A tea-rex!
Just kidding, calling the Queen that would be a bit disrespectful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwlbs0/what_do_you_call_a_british_dinosaur/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwlb9j/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwla4y/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
%
I tried to make a joke about someone who can't see, hear, taste, smell, or feel anything.

I realized it was senseless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwl5nj/i_tried_to_make_a_joke_about_someone_who_cant_see/
%
I missed out on the lead role in my theater company's adaptation of Fight Club.

I've really been beating myself up over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwl365/i_missed_out_on_the_lead_role_in_my_theater/
%
Why isn't the French presidential limousine an automatic?

Because the chauffeur only drives Emmanuel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwl2u6/why_isnt_the_french_presidential_limousine_an/
%
Sherlock Holmes was at home one night...

Sherlock Holmes was at home one night, when he gets a call to investigate a crime.  So he rings Watson, and asks him to meet him at the scene.  Sherlock arrives, and finds the body of a woman dead in the middle of the kitchen floor.  He also quickly notices a giant lemon next to the woman, and a hole in the ceiling.  Just then, Watson arrives, surveys the scene, and asks ‘So, Sherlock, what do you think killed her?’.  Sherlock replied, ‘A lemon entry, my dear Watson!’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwl0bs/sherlock_holmes_was_at_home_one_night/
%
What do Christmas ornaments, dry wall and Jeffery Epstein all have in common?

They don’t hang themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwkvrk/what_do_christmas_ornaments_dry_wall_and_jeffery/
%
I didn't know that I have baby cannibals in my basement.

Until I stopped feeding them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwkuzr/i_didnt_know_that_i_have_baby_cannibals_in_my/
%
Why women needs a husband

A Woman goes to a Psychologist and complains: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”
Psychologist replied : “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want. Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won't work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame?Will you blame Yourself?”
Woman: “NO!!!”
Psychologist: “Yes... That's why you need a Husband!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwkskq/why_women_needs_a_husband/
%
What do you say to a cannibal when he visits the nursing home?

Eat your vegetables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwkr6a/what_do_you_say_to_a_cannibal_when_he_visits_the/
%
Got a handjob from a blind girl last night

She said "You have the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on."
I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwkl6e/got_a_handjob_from_a_blind_girl_last_night/
%
A guy calls a chimney sweep.

A guy calls a chimney sweep to get his chimney cleaned. The sweep checks it out and then says he can do the job for $1,200. "TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!" the guy shouts. "For that much I'll do it myself." The sweep chuckles and says "Okay soot yourself "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwkijg/a_guy_calls_a_chimney_sweep/
%
Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?

Answer: Ireland’s.
Every year it’s Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwkhui/which_countrys_capital_is_the_fastest_growing/
%
What is a Jewish Arsonist's weapon of choice?

A Mazel Tov Cocktail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwkhk6/what_is_a_jewish_arsonists_weapon_of_choice/
%
What is H2O4?

Drinking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwkf4t/what_is_h2o4/
%
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad: Never said I was a good one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwkevc/son_in_iraq_i_killed_15_people/
%
What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwkdtv/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwkcmc/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
%
Sex on the job

Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!"
Employee: "*She was just lying there naked!  What else was I supposed to do?"*
Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"
Employee: "*I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!"*
Client: "You're the worst veterinarian of all time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwkc6k/sex_on_the_job/
%
What do you call fourteen rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hareline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwkabs/what_do_you_call_fourteen_rabbits_hopping/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100...

She’s a perfect 10 and imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwk6so/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
Tom, Glenn and Scott were working on a high rise building project

Glenn fell off and was instantly killed.
As the ambulance took the body away, Scott said, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Tom says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Tom came back carrying a 6-pack. Scott asked, "Where did you get that, Tom?"
"Glenn's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Tom said, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her,  'You must be Glenn's widow.' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwk1sg/tom_glenn_and_scott_were_working_on_a_high_rise/
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How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwk1k4/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_can_of/
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If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on.

I’d be like, “Why y’all keep giving me all these dimes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwjo1q/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_didnt_understand/
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What's the last thing to go through a bug's head when it hits your windshield?

Its ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwjnli/whats_the_last_thing_to_go_through_a_bugs_head/
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Insomniacs must really like this time of year.

Only four more sleeps until Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwjm0c/insomniacs_must_really_like_this_time_of_year/
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What ugly mythical creature is constantly eating?

A goblin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwjl8p/what_ugly_mythical_creature_is_constantly_eating/
%
Bengals Anthrax Scare

Cincinnati, OH Monday, November 11, 2019 – Anthrax Scare At Paul Brown Stadium
Cincinnati Bengals football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Coach Zac Taylor immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwjcac/bengals_anthrax_scare/
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Our photocopier in the office is called Bob Marley

'cause it's always jamming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwj96s/our_photocopier_in_the_office_is_called_bob_marley/
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Black Sabbath accused Dio of sneaking into the studio at night and messing with the mix

That seems a little paranoid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwj8b6/black_sabbath_accused_dio_of_sneaking_into_the/
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What did the spider do on the computer

Make a website

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwj3dl/what_did_the_spider_do_on_the_computer/
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Why are there so many rappers still in jail?

Because they don't know how to end a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwj248/why_are_there_so_many_rappers_still_in_jail/
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What's the first thing a monster eats after he has had his teeth checked?

The dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwj0oo/whats_the_first_thing_a_monster_eats_after_he_has/
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Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?

Well he sure doesn't want to be spotted, now does he?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwiz3h/why_does_waldo_wear_a_striped_shirt/
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A man is driving through the parking garage looking for a spot.

He isn’t having any luck. In desperation he raises his hands to the heavens and says “Lord, I know I haven’t been the best person. But I promise that I’ll be more loving to my wife. I’ll spend more time with my kids. I’ll even give up drinking! Just help me find a spot!”
As he turns the corner, he finds an open spot. Looking up again, he says “Never mind, I found one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwirvn/a_man_is_driving_through_the_parking_garage/
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Did you hear about Google's new AI powered robotic broom?

Soon, it'll be sweeping the nation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwip49/did_you_hear_about_googles_new_ai_powered_robotic/
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What did the mother cow say to her baby cow?

Its pasture bedtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwil0t/what_did_the_mother_cow_say_to_her_baby_cow/
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I went to the greyhound track for the first time yesterday.

My bus didn't win though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwikof/i_went_to_the_greyhound_track_for_the_first_time/
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Where do you send a Jew with ADHD?

To a concentration camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwiig4/where_do_you_send_a_jew_with_adhd/
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You know what’s really odd? Numbers not divisible by 2

That joke was so bad I can’t even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwiic8/you_know_whats_really_odd_numbers_not_divisible/
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I see your Netflix and chill and I raise you...

Disney+ and thrust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwihzy/i_see_your_netflix_and_chill_and_i_raise_you/
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Three marriage criteria

There was a woman, whose relationship is always a disaster.
Frustrated, she decided to put up a notice in search of one special partner. She specify three criteria. Any man who want her, must met all of the criteria.
However, her criteria seems ridiculous since there’s no one responding to her notice. She wait and wait and wait in her house until suddenly, a loud banging was heard on her door.
Nervously, she approached and opened the door. She was shocked seeing outside her house, a man, without any arm nor leg was waiting outside.
“I saw your notice,” said the man calmly.
“Well yes. Urm, so you must have read the criteria as well right? Urm, how do you suppose to meet that criteria?” Ask the woman while scanning the ~~dis~~figure.
“The man must never, ever hit me. You see ma’am, I have no arms, so it’s impossible for me to hit you.”
“Okay, go on,” replied the woman after brief pause.
“The man must never run away and left me. So, as you can see also, I have no legs, so I can never run away from you.”
The woman nodded while remain silent. What’s the man said is true. But her mind now is on her last list of criteria. She was expecting someone with a great physical but kind hearted when she came up with the list. She’s wondering how in the hell this man can fulfill her third desire. “The man must be very good in bed.”
“Did you hear the loud banging I made just now?” Asked the man, still very calm.
“Oh yes. Absolutely.” Replied her while replaying the sound in her head. She can’t figure out why the man is asking about that knocking sound.
“Well you see ma’am, I have no arms or legs. What do you think I knock on your door with?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwi04n/three_marriage_criteria/
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Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft

Because he conditioned it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwhzww/why_is_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
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What do rednecks do for Thanksgiving?

Pump kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwhwe7/what_do_rednecks_do_for_thanksgiving/
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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor
(also this is not my joke I just thought it was good)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwhtk5/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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I went to Australia and tried a Kangaroo beer

The taste was good but it was too hoppy for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwhmc8/i_went_to_australia_and_tried_a_kangaroo_beer/
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The bullies at my school broke my MP3-Player. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but those idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwhegc/the_bullies_at_my_school_broke_my_mp3player/
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Doctor Visit

A guy goes to his doctor and complains that he can't get an erection anymore when trying to have sex with his wife.
The doctor ponders the situation, and then asks the patient to come to his office the next day, and bring his wife along.
The next day the guy, and his wife arrive, and meet with the doctor.
The doctor instructs the wife to remove all of her clothes, which she does.
The doctor looks her up and down thoroughly, and then says to his patient: "Yeah, I can't get an erection either. You're fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwhc09/doctor_visit/
%
A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwh37x/a_small_boy_asks_his_dad_daddy_what_is_politics/
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I was eating a cheese sandwich yesterday and cut my mouth.

That's what I get for eating sharp cheddar.
\-An old joke from my grandmother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwh0pb/i_was_eating_a_cheese_sandwich_yesterday_and_cut/
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My aunt's sign was cancer, which is funny considering how she died...

...attacked by a giant crab....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwgyza/my_aunts_sign_was_cancer_which_is_funny/
%
How did the Hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwgylq/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
What kind of horses only come out after dark?

Night Mares

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwgwz8/what_kind_of_horses_only_come_out_after_dark/
%
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?

It gets toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwgwhd/what_happens_when_a_frogs_car_breaks_down/
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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwgt4n/i_sold_some_baby_laxative_to_a_junkie_and_told/
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Trains have crazy desires

Because their locomotives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwgrwp/trains_have_crazy_desires/
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My grandma has the heart of a lion..

And a life time ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwgjtb/my_grandma_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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The Old Man with the IRS

The Man and the IRS
So an older gentleman received a phone call by the IRS, being notified about large sums of money going in and out of his account. He was told to be at the office first thing Monday morning. He thought to himself “Well if this is what I think it is, I better lawyer up.”
Sure enough he got a lawyer and was there Monday morning. The guy from the IRS went through the details and asked if the gentleman was aware of the transactions. Here’s the conversation.
Gentleman: “Yeah I do a little gambling here and there.”
IRS: “With this big of an amount of money?”
Gentleman: “Sure. Here I’ll make you a bet. I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my own eye.”
With that being said, the guy from the IRS took the bet knowing he couldn’t do it. The gentleman then pulled out his glass eye, and bit it.
Gentleman: “Now don’t worry, I’m gonna give you a chance to make your money back, and even a little more. I’ll bet you $10,000 that I can bite my other eye.”
The guy from the IRS saw no seeing eye dog, and saw no stick for the blind, so he knew for sure this was a sure win.
IRS: “You’ve got yourself a deal”
The gentleman then takes his dentures out and bites his other eye.
Gentleman: “Now now don’t be upset. I’m gonna give you a chance to make your money back, and even a little more. I’ll bet you $20,000 that from the other side of your desk, I can go to the bathroom and make all of my urine end up in your trash can, not a drop anywhere else.”
The IRS guy knew for sure that he couldn’t do that. So he took this bet knowing he’d made $20,000.
IRS: “You’re on old man! There’s no chance in hell you can do that!”
The gentleman then proceeds to urinate all over the IRS guys desk. As he jumps up and down in joy because he won the bet.
IRS: “You lose! You owe me $20,000!!!”
While celebrating, the IRS guy couldn’t help but notice gentleman’s lawyer, who was sitting there shaking his head in shame.
IRS: “What’s your problem?”
Lawyer: “He bet me $100,000 on the way here that he could piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwghk1/the_old_man_with_the_irs/
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Schools are using Honda compact cars for Drivers Ed.

I think that's cool. Kids learn to drive, and get a class in Civics at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwgcb3/schools_are_using_honda_compact_cars_for_drivers/
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How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

We don't know, it's never been tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwg9g1/how_many_frenchmen_does_it_take_to_defend_paris/
%
My friend is addicted to oxygen.

He keeps telling me he can’t live without it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwg7p8/my_friend_is_addicted_to_oxygen/
%
Bob told me he could never kill an animal.

He's more of a people person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwg6te/bob_told_me_he_could_never_kill_an_animal/
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What's the only thing that isn't made in china ?

Opinions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwfuvv/whats_the_only_thing_that_isnt_made_in_china/
%
The ancient Egyptians almost never passed gas

Until the king made tootin' common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwfiaa/the_ancient_egyptians_almost_never_passed_gas/
%
Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?

I've never turned a woman on before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwfg2i/whats_the_difference_between_a_computer_and_a/
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I bought my friend an elephant for his room

He said, “Thanks!”
I said, “Don’t mention it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwf1jx/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
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What do you call an abortion in Prague?

A cancelled Czech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dweyid/what_do_you_call_an_abortion_in_prague/
%
20 minutes into Disney+ and chill...

and I've already got a friend in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwevel/20_minutes_into_disney_and_chill/
%
How do you find a blind man in a nude beach ?

Its not Hard .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dweqho/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_nude_beach/
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Writing porn music is easy!

Just make sure you don't use A-Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwebw7/writing_porn_music_is_easy/
%
I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.

I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwea51/i_was_asked_if_i_would_accept_100000_if_it_meant/
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What do you call a blow job in the morning?

A head start!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwe609/what_do_you_call_a_blow_job_in_the_morning/
%
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by an axe-murderer...

when they stumbled upon an old abandoned warehouse. Deciding that it was the safest place to hide, the three women entered the warehouse.
Along the back wall of the warehouse were three empty potato sacks laying on the ground. Thinking on their feet, each women got into a sack to hide from certain death.
The murderer entered the warehouse and, after searching for a while, happened upon three upright potato sacks.
He walked up to the first sack, where the redhead was hiding, and tapped the bag with the side of his axe.  The redhead, thinking quickly, let out a few gentle meows. “Meow, meow!” The murderer moved to the next sack, clearly not interested in slaying a bag of kittens.
As he tapped the second potato sack, the brunette trembled. He tapped it again, and she let out three loud barks. “Arf! Arf! Arf!” An avid dog lover himself, the murderer moved onto the third and final potato sack.
The blonde panicked, as she knew she was next. Her mind raced as footsteps approached until she felt a  tap on the side of her potato sack. As a second, more forceful tap came, she took a deep breath and exhaled. “Pottttttaaaaatooooo”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwe2x8/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_were_being/
%
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

That way you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwdow3/before_you_judge_a_man_walk_a_mile_in_his_shoes/
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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwdolm/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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The man who invented autocorrect just passed away.

May he restaurant in peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwdnjf/the_man_who_invented_autocorrect_just_passed_away/
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My calculator may be really ugly on the outside..

..But it’s what is inside that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwdao5/my_calculator_may_be_really_ugly_on_the_outside/
%
So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up?

Fine. Suture self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwd5us/so_you_dont_trust_a_doctor_to_stitch_you_up/
%
Did you hear the one about the cow astronaut?

It's big news - she landed on the mooooon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwd4eu/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_cow_astronaut/
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Guy: Hey, nice to meet you. My name’s John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

Other guy: Ok, you’re not gonna believe this...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwczws/guy_hey_nice_to_meet_you_my_names_john_jacob/
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Some people think the testes and the prostate are the same thing.

In reality, there’s a vas deferens between the two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwcru3/some_people_think_the_testes_and_the_prostate_are/
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A vegan said to me: people who sell meat are disgusting

I replied: people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwclqu/a_vegan_said_to_me_people_who_sell_meat_are/
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Did you guys hear about the couple who got the cops called on them at Walmart?

Apparently the girl was eating batteries and the guy was jacking off. When the cops got there, the girl was charged but the guy got off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwcctp/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_couple_who_got_the/
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A guy goes to stay at a cheap hotel.

He orders a 5 AM wake up call for the next day.
Next day, the phone doesn't ring till 5:30AM.
He calls reception and complains about it saying that if he had a million dollar deal, he would've lost it due to their negligence.
The receptionist says that if he had a million dollar deal, he would not be staying at such a hotel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwc07o/a_guy_goes_to_stay_at_a_cheap_hotel/
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A funeral director is standing at the edge of a cliff, about to jump

Funeral Director: I'm ruined! My funeral directory business has gone bankrupt! I will lose my home, my wife, my kids. I'm RUINED!!! RUINED!!!!!!!! Okay... on three, I jump. One... two... thr-
Man: What are you doing?
Funeral director: I'm about to commit suicide. You?
Man: Also committing suicide. My 10-year-old boy was kidnapped. He was my absolute everything. and I can't live in a world where this level of pain exists.
Funeral Director: Damn... I'm sorry..... okay. We both jump on three, okay?
Man: Okay.
Funeral Director: One.... two..... thr-
Woman: What are you two doing?
Funeral Director: We're committing suicide.
Woman: You are??? I am about to as well.
Man: What happened?
Woman: I don't remember a time where I wasn't depressed.
Funeral Director: Okay, so on three, we all jump. One....
Man: Two...
Woman: Thr-
Other man: What are you doing?
Woman: We're committing suicide.
Other man: Me too!
Man: Why?
Other man: ....unspeakable reasons....
Funeral Director: Okay, on three, the four of us, we all jump. Ready?
Man: One...
Woman: Two...
Other Man: THREE!!!
**THUD!!! THUD!!! THUD!!!**
Funeral Director: .....my business is saved!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwc006/a_funeral_director_is_standing_at_the_edge_of_a/
%
Will my glass coffin be popular?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwbwf8/will_my_glass_coffin_be_popular/
%
Me [45M] and my boyfriend [18M] went out. We got nasty looks, comments and derision thrown at us all day.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwbuve/me_45m_and_my_boyfriend_18m_went_out_we_got_nasty/
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A wife asks her husband

Wife: If you had to, would you rather lose a leg or an arm?
Husband: A leg. Need both arms to ride a jetski.
Wife: I asked a coworker and he said he needs both arms to hug his wife, you asshole.
Husband: Sounds like he's never ridden a Jetski.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwbswt/a_wife_asks_her_husband/
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Why was the letter "C" afraid of all the other letters in the alphabet?

All the others were Nazis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwbqfv/why_was_the_letter_c_afraid_of_all_the_other/
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Cannibal.

Someone who is fed up with people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwbl55/cannibal/
%
Why was the hipster fish late to the party?

Because he didn’t take the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwbjq4/why_was_the_hipster_fish_late_to_the_party/
%
Who the hell called them therapists

When they could have been called mental detectors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwbgcf/who_the_hell_called_them_therapists/
%
Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Because he wasn't peeling well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwbbwd/why_did_the_banana_go_to_the_doctor/
%
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?

They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwb9ke/why_dont_vegetarians_moan_during_sex/
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Never give your seat up for a lady

Because that's how I lost my job as a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwb7kx/never_give_your_seat_up_for_a_lady/
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Headache & testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe is shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him US$ 75,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 would fit fine.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years sir!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years sir.'
Joe tried  the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! You got it wrong this time! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you hell of a Headache.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwb1p1/headache_testicles/
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I recently bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwb1f0/i_recently_bought_some_shoes_from_my_drug_dealer/
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So the Apollo missions found insects on the moon.

Lunatics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwawp1/so_the_apollo_missions_found_insects_on_the_moon/
%
A Soldier and a general were trying to escape from their enemies

The soldier and the general were on horseback trying to escape their enemies,
the general tells him: "Look, there is a sturdy branch coming up, if we grab on to it once we're close enough and hang on to it and we can outsmart the enemies!"
once they got near enough, the quickly grabbed onto the branch and watched as the enemies rode away below them, the general yells in joy but turns to the soldier who is strangely quiet, he was turning purple with veins popping out the side of his neck, the general tells him:
"Jim, you can let go of the horse now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwalu5/a_soldier_and_a_general_were_trying_to_escape/
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What’s the stupidest animal in the Jungle?

A Polar Bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwaltn/whats_the_stupidest_animal_in_the_jungle/
%
In North Pole, Santa broke his hip after tripping on one of his little helpers.

Said his wife: "You only have your elf to blame."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwagkv/in_north_pole_santa_broke_his_hip_after_tripping/
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And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth, and you will receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwafq6/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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A man and woman are having sex NSFW

When the woman says, “Your dad is going to be mad if he finds out about this”
Man replies, “Don’t put it all on me, he’s your dad too”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwaes5/a_man_and_woman_are_having_sex_nsfw/
%
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.

He was consumed by pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwadj7/an_arrogant_gazelle_walks_up_to_a_bunch_of_lions/
%
Have you ever wondered...

If sperm whales are the reason the ocean is salty?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwadhe/have_you_ever_wondered/
%
When does a joke becomes a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwa9ui/when_does_a_joke_becomes_a_dad_joke/
%
So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically.

I felt bad, so I made a small house for them out of a cardboard box.
This technically makes me their landlord, and they are my…
Tenants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwa605/so_i_was_in_my_room_and_i_saw_a_group_of_10_ants/
%
I'm addicted to seaweed...

Seeking kelp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dwa51t/im_addicted_to_seaweed/
%
An Irishman walks out of a bar

&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw9ojf/an_irishman_walks_out_of_a_bar/
%
A man is fired from his job at the pickle factory NSFW

A man comes home from his job at the pickle factory. “Honey, I got fired today for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.”
Wife: “My God! What’s happened?”
Husband: “She got fired too”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw9o02/a_man_is_fired_from_his_job_at_the_pickle_factory/
%
Farmer drama

The farmers association are up in arms about a new model of combine harvester that comes with padded seats...
they're worried about reaper cushions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw9msw/farmer_drama/
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Three guys die and go to heaven

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates, and announces "welcome to heaven. it is a vast and holy place. I will assign you a vehicle based on how faithful you were to your spouses"
The first man walks up and is given the keys to a beat up 1989 Honda Civic and St. Peter says to him "you cheated many times. this will be your mode of transportation" and off he goes.
The second man approaches and St. Peter hands him the keys to a Tesla Model 3, and says "you only cheated twice, this will be your mode of transportation" and off he goes.
The third man announces to St. Peter "I never cheated once!" and St. Peter says "this is correct, enjoy your brand new Ferrari"
A few weeks later all three of the men come to the same stop light and the man in the Ferrari is crying. The guy in the Civic says to him " what the hell do you have to cry about? I don't even have a radio"
The man in the Ferrari exclaims "I just saw my Mother riding around on a skateboard with three wheels!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw9hof/three_guys_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative

instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw9evg/a_doctor_accidentally_prescribes_his_patient_a/
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Anyone going to the Fibonacci convention this year?

They say it'll be as big as the last two conventions put together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw9di3/anyone_going_to_the_fibonacci_convention_this_year/
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A college girl was desperate to pass a poetry class for which she was almost failing...

For the final exam, the professor announced the challenge of the year: he wanted the students to write something confident. Philosophical. Something that really meant "no worries."
Everyone went home and stayed up all night writing their final exam poetry, the girl including.
The next day, she gets up, looks her professor in the eyes, and clears her throat.
"I'll open my blouse.
You will look, feel, and fondle.
We will pass your class."
The slack-jawed professor raises an eyebrow in disbelief at her.
"Haiku?!"
"Nah. M'tata."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw9cda/a_college_girl_was_desperate_to_pass_a_poetry/
%
Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
“Hey, dude! Why don’t you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That’ll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something.”
Jones is startled by the patient’s seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. “You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?”
The patient smiles and says, “I’m in here because I’m crazy, not because I’m stupid.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw95hd/jones_is_driving_past_the_state_mental_hospital/
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My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer could print a gun.

But I wasn't that impressed, I've had a Canon printer for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw94j6/my_friend_was_bragging_that_his_new_3d_printer/
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A gay Mexican is suing someone for discrimination

In the courtroom, he appeared before the judge and began,"Your honor, when I went in to this man's work site, when he noticed that I wasn't white or straight, he said that both were a "problem" and he even offered to "fix" them for me."
The judge appeared shocked, and turned towards the defendant.
"Defendant, would you care to explain yourself?"
The defendant leaned into the microphone and stated softly, "your honor....I'm a dentist"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw8w8a/a_gay_mexican_is_suing_someone_for_discrimination/
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The Furniture store kept calling me.

All I wanted was one night stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw8ss8/the_furniture_store_kept_calling_me/
%
After our house burned down, the cops told us that it could be someone we know.

I asked my wife, “Could it be arson?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw8r5f/after_our_house_burned_down_the_cops_told_us_that/
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What does a camera with mood swings have?

Bipolaroid disorder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw8qz8/what_does_a_camera_with_mood_swings_have/
%
I watched a man pickpocket a midget yesterday

How can someone stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw8ph9/i_watched_a_man_pickpocket_a_midget_yesterday/
%
Sometimes I like talking to myself...

me too fam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw8ifw/sometimes_i_like_talking_to_myself/
%
What's the difference between falling from the 1st floor and falling from the 11th floor?

The 11th goes:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
CRASH!
And the 1st goes:
CRASH!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw8eqn/whats_the_difference_between_falling_from_the_1st/
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Somebody asked me "where do you see yourself in 2 months?"

I said "i dont know, i dont have 2020 vision"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw8d9x/somebody_asked_me_where_do_you_see_yourself_in_2/
%
Two Eskimos have killed a walrus

and they are on their way to their settlement. They are pulling the walrus by the tail, but it's really hard to pull since its tusks keep digging into the snow and the tail continuously slips out of their grip.
Halfway home, they come across a geologist. The geologist sees their struggle and says:
"You should grab the walrus by its tusks, that way you can hold it better and the tail will just slide on the snow".
The Eskimos try that and it's indeed easier. So the Eskimos and the geologist part ways. In a few hours one Eskimo says:
"Geologist smart. Really easy to pull walrus".
The other exclaims:
"Stupid your geologist! Look, we come back to ocean!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw8941/two_eskimos_have_killed_a_walrus/
%
What if I was to kill 2 men with a ladder?

Would I be causing co-ladder-al damage?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw85i7/what_if_i_was_to_kill_2_men_with_a_ladder/
%
Irony will be the death of me.

What my mate said just before he fell into a blast furnace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw84tu/irony_will_be_the_death_of_me/
%
[NSFW] What's the definition of disgusting?

Ramming five raw oysters up your grandma's pussy,
and sucking out six.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw84h0/nsfw_whats_the_definition_of_disgusting/
%
A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh.. is this 832-4173?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw82cx/a_guy_dials_his_home_phone_number_from_work/
%
What did the cannibal's wife do when he came home late for dinner?

She gave him the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw7ya3/what_did_the_cannibals_wife_do_when_he_came_home/
%
3 guys go to heaven

Three guys go to heaven. When at the gates, God encounters the three and welcomes them.
"Heaven has a lot of good things to offer, but I must warn you about the pink clouds. Don't ever touch them, or something bad will happen."
The three guys enter the gates and go for a walk
After a while, two of the guys lost their first mate. A couple of minutes later he returns with a very ugly woman in his hand. "I touched a pink cloud" He explains.
Two hours later, another guy disappeared and returns with an even uglier woman. "I also touched a pink cloud." he then explains.
One hour ahead, the last guy goes to the restroom and returns with a very, very beautiful woman by his side.
"I touched a pink cloud" the woman then explains.
*Great joke to insult one of you friends!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw7xsx/3_guys_go_to_heaven/
%
In chef school, I was given an in depth lesson on cooking young swans.

In no time at all my preparation was so good, it became my signet-ure dish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw7sn5/in_chef_school_i_was_given_an_in_depth_lesson_on/
%
What’s the difference between terrorism and democracy?

Whether the United States is attacking or being attacked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw7qta/whats_the_difference_between_terrorism_and/
%
Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.
"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because I suspected that my wife was cheating on me," started the first man. "I barged onto the house and found her naked in the bedroom. Furious, I started looking for the asshole.
"I looked everywhere and couldn't find him, until I went into the balcony and saw a man hanging off the guardrails. I started punching his fingers, but he managed to hold on. Enraged, I went inside, brought out a hammer and smashed his fingers flat. He had to let go, but the lucky bastard fell in some bushes and was very much alive. At that point, I lost my mind, picked up the refrigerator and hurled it onto him. I assume he died, but the experience was so traumatizing that I had a heart attack myself and died."
St. Peter feels sorry for the man and lets him inside. He then asks the second man about his death.
"Well it's a rather odd story," he says. "I was peacefully doing yoga in the balcony of my house. By a combination of some spilt water and me losing my balance, I tumbled over the edge. Luckily, I managed to grab onto the guardrails of the balcony of the apartment below mine.
"I was trying to pull myself up with limited success, when a man appeared in the balcony. I thought that my life was saved, but the freak started ramming on my fingers. I cried at him to stop, which he did, but only to return with a freaking hammer and flatten my poor fingers. I had to let go, but by some miracle I managed to land in some bushes, crippled but alive. Before I even had time to think how lucky I was, I saw a mighty refrigerator coming straight at me and that was the end of it."
St. Peter feels even more sorry for the man and opens the gates to let him in. He then approaches the third man.
"It's a rather funny story," said the man. "So I was sitting naked inside a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw7qfo/gruesome_deaths/
%
I lost my job at the calendar factory

All because i took a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw7ohf/i_lost_my_job_at_the_calendar_factory/
%
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!"
And Carl says "I shit. You knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw78d9/carl_is_in_the_10th_year_of_a_life_sentence_when/
%
When I was at university I was told to write 1500 words on acid.

It all went well until the floor melted and my pen turned into a carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw6w6p/when_i_was_at_university_i_was_told_to_write_1500/
%
My friend found out there was no meaning in life, and died from the shock.

He was anihilated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw6pwe/my_friend_found_out_there_was_no_meaning_in_life/
%
After a long engagement,

Peter and his wife, Mary had taken the step of matrimony.
One day, Peter and Mary sat down to discuss what traits they wanted their baby to have. After a long discussion, the couple decided that to be successful in life, their baby must be courteous to others and be the most polite person in the world. They pray together that this may happen.
9 months later, Mary was checked into the maternity ward at the hospital. They waited and waited, but no baby ever came. The doctor determined that the baby had unfortunately died before it was born.
60 years later, Mary, for some reason, was still suffering the effects of labour. Peter takes her to the hospital and explains the situation to the same doctor that had helped them decades ago.
After intense communications between the doctors and the nurses, the lead doctor decides that they must perform a c-section. When they opened Mary up, they found two tiny bearded men with white hair, bowing to each other and saying to each other politely: "After you, brother, after you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw6axz/after_a_long_engagement/
%
What's the best thing about picking up homeless people??

You can drop them off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw69f5/whats_the_best_thing_about_picking_up_homeless/
%
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar.

They take turns boasting about their great conquests and adventures on the ocean. The sailor is curious about the pirate's peg leg, hook, and eyepatch.
"How did you end up with a peg-leg?" he asks.
"We were in a storm and I was swept overboard. I started climbing back onto the ship, but a shark bit my leg off." replies the pirate.
The sailor is amazed and asks about the pirate's hook.
"I was plundering in India when I was caught stealing from a merchant. The merchant and his man seized me and chopped my hand off as punishment."
"That's incredible! You're such a brave man! Well, tell me, why do you need that eyepatch?"
"Some bird shit fell into my eye." says the pirate.
"You lost your eye to some bird shit?" asks the confused sailor.
"No........ it was my first day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw6791/a_sailor_meets_a_pirate_in_a_bar/
%
At the pearly gates

Peter: It says here that you don't believe in life after death
Atheist: Didn't*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw676h/at_the_pearly_gates/
%
I still remember what my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket..

He said “hey, wanna see how far i can kick this bucket?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw65wo/i_still_remember_what_my_grandpa_said_to_me/
%
My ex-girlfriend got a parakeet, and that damn thing never shut up...

but the bird was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw63jl/my_exgirlfriend_got_a_parakeet_and_that_damn/
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For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.

I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw5xf8/for_the_10th_year_in_a_row_my_coworkers_voted_me/
%
As a non-English speaker, this is how I remember the difference between niece & nephew.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doc: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you
Woman : Oh no! Not my brother! He's an actual idiot. What did he name the girl?
Doc: Denise
Woman : Oh, that's not too bad. What did he name the boy?
Doc: Denephew.
Thanks r/jokes .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw5rvj/as_a_nonenglish_speaker_this_is_how_i_remember/
%
Why does Santa have such a huge sack?

It's cuz he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw5ncs/why_does_santa_have_such_a_huge_sack/
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Saudi is the worst country for tinder

Cause women there don't have any rights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw5hs4/saudi_is_the_worst_country_for_tinder/
%
Tonight, I witnessed two thugs in a dark alley beating up a petite woman. I thought to myself, “I should go help”.

She was no match for the three of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw5h1j/tonight_i_witnessed_two_thugs_in_a_dark_alley/
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What do you call a group of Gollums?

A flock of smeogols.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw5a75/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_gollums/
%
Build a man a fire...

... and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw50ky/build_a_man_a_fire/
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I haven't slept for seven days.

I slept at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw4rg9/i_havent_slept_for_seven_days/
%
Woops

Why did the sperm cross the road?
I wore the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw4rfj/woops/
%
My uncle always told me, "The real treasure, was inside of you the whole time".

As kind as that sounds, he sold organs to the black market for a living.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw4r6b/my_uncle_always_told_me_the_real_treasure_was/
%
A gay rapist is walking through the park when he spots a homeless man passed out drunk on a bench, an empty Smirnoff bottle next to him.

He approaches the man and finds him to be completely unresponsive, so he proceeds to pull the man into some bushes. After finishing his business, he feels pity for the homeless man, and stuffs a 20 dollar bill into his pocket. When the homeless man comes to, he's delighted to see the money in his pockets, and proceeds to run to the liquor store he'd been to yesterday to buy another bottle of Smirnoff.
The next day, the same man is walking through the park when he spots the homeless man, just as unresponsive on the same bench, with an empty Smirnoff bottle next to him. The man, late to miss another opportunity like this, drags the man back into the bushes. As usual, the man leaves a 20 dollar bill in the homeless man's pockets when he's done.
When the homeless man wakes up, he sees the money in his pockets and runs back to the liquor store. The cashier, upon seeing there a third time, points at him and says:
"Let me guess, another bottle of Smirnoff?"
To which the homeless man shakes his head and replies:
"No, I'll have a bottle of Absolut, I don't know what's in Smirnoff but it makes my ass hurt like hell!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw4j1t/a_gay_rapist_is_walking_through_the_park_when_he/
%
An old pianist is playing some scales when he suddenly gets a heart attack and instantly dies.

Well, at least his life ended on a high note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw4d0u/an_old_pianist_is_playing_some_scales_when_he/
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I was sitting at the stoplight when a drop dead gorgeous woman pulled up next to me and rolled her window down. I rolled my window down and smiled at her . . .

She said, “What? Did you fart too?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw4baw/i_was_sitting_at_the_stoplight_when_a_drop_dead/
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Heaven or Hell?

A man died and later woke up in a large, sparse room. He looked around to see if he was in heaven or hell, but there were not many clues. The only things in the room were a TV, a sofa, and another man sitting on the sofa and watching something on the TV. He walked over, said hello, and asked "Is this heaven or hell?"
The other man said, "I don't know, but there are no windows, no doors, and no way out."
"So this is hell?"
The other man said, "I don't know, but there's a place to sit and a TV."
"So this is heaven?"
The other man said, "Well, there's only one channel."
"So it's hell, then?"
The other man said, "The channel is coming in loud and clear -- it's a PBS station."
"So it's heaven?"
The other man said, "I don't know, it's Pledge Week." He sighed sadly and said, "It's always Pledge Week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw4a2m/heaven_or_hell/
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What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair black?

Artificial Intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw49n0/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_who_dyed_her_hair_black/
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The crunch bird

There was a new petshop in town. Jimmy went inside to give it a look, when he saw a colourful and pretty bird.
The shopkeeper said, “m’boy, that’s a crunch bird, and a rare breed at that! Would ya want to buy it?”
Jimmy was intrigued. “What’s a crunch bird?” He asked. “Well” replies the shopkeeper, “let me show you.”
The shopkeeper tosses a pen in the air and yells “crunch bird, my pen!” The bird then immediately swoops and snaps the pen midair into two.
“Wow!” Exclaims jimmy, “I gotta buy it!”
A little while later, jimmy’s Father gets home. He spies the crunch bird sitting on the living room table. “JIMMY!” He angrily shouts. “WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BOUGHT IN AGAIN!”
Jimmy then frantically tells his Father about the crunch bird and it’s fantastic ability.
In disbelief, the Father laughs. “HA! CRUNCH BIRD? **MY ASS**!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw45t2/the_crunch_bird/
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I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop

The steaks were too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw45ae/i_used_to_illegally_give_weed_to_my_prize_winning/
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Two clowns are eating a cannibal

One clown looks at the other and says, “I think I told it wrong.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw44oq/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
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"Well isn't that nice"

Three old ladies were sitting at a table playing bridge and talking about their Anniversaries...
Lady 1: My husband bought me this beautiful diamond necklace
Lady 2: Ooo pretty
Lady 3: Well isn't that nice
Lady 2: well my husband bought me this stunning bracelet
Lady 1: beautiful
Lady 3: Well isn't that nice
Lady 1: Well what did your husband buy you?
Lady 3: My husband bought me etiquette lessons so now when I want to say "Fuck you"  I just say "Well isn't that nice"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw43n2/well_isnt_that_nice/
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What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw41cm/whats_the_difference_between_a_lightbulb_and_a/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I dont know and I dont care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw407x/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar

... followed by Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw3xwk/sixteen_sodium_atoms_walk_into_a_bar/
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Jenny, who is blonde, is driving down the road through the countryside. As she is traveling, on the right hand side of the road she sees another blonde woman attempting to row a wooden boat in the middle of a field

Frustrated by this sight, Jenny pulls her car over to the side of the road by the field and gets out. She goes to the edge of the road and starts yelling at the woman rowing the boat.
"You dumb bitch! It's because of blondes like you doing stupid crap like this that makes the rest of us look bad, and if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw3uve/jenny_who_is_blonde_is_driving_down_the_road/
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My husband and I decided that we didn't want to have kids

We'll be telling them tonight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw3pdw/my_husband_and_i_decided_that_we_didnt_want_to/
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There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw3ifg/there_was_a_short_period_of_time_in_ancient/
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Apparently Gordon Ramsay has 5 children

So atleast we know he likes one thing raw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw3hz2/apparently_gordon_ramsay_has_5_children/
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What does the sign at an out of business brothel say?

Beat it, we’re closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw3958/what_does_the_sign_at_an_out_of_business_brothel/
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What cat has eight legs?

An octopus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw3920/what_cat_has_eight_legs/
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw34yr/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
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Three brunettes and a redhead walk into a bar...

...and the bartender says "Hey Hey Hey! What's goin' on?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw32mr/three_brunettes_and_a_redhead_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why did the deaf airplane passenger panic?

They saw the flight attendant yawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw32kh/why_did_the_deaf_airplane_passenger_panic/
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A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says: “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies: “God and I are close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw2uf0/a_90yearold_man_goes_for_a_physical_and_all_of/
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A man walks into a confession booth

and says, "I have sinned."
"What did you do?", the priest asked.
"I killed someone."
"Take a drink out of the holy cup, and you will be forgiven."
A woman walks into the confession booth and says, "I have sinned."
"What did you do?", the priest asked.
"I stole a car."
"Take a drink out of the holy cup, and you will be forgiven."
Another man walks into the confession booth and says, "I have sinned."
"What did you do?", the priest asked.
"I peed in the holy cup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw2te9/a_man_walks_into_a_confession_booth/
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Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”
With a bang, she’s gone.
The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”
She also disappears immediately.
The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”
St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.
“Sara Pipalini,” replies the old spinster.
St Peter shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The old woman then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says: “No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw2tcu/three_old_spinsters_die_and_go_to_heaven_and_at/
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(long) three metal workers were eating their lunch on top a skyscraper...

*about 5 minutes into the silence the chinese man blows a gasket.*
"we put our lives on the line everyday and what do ~~we~~, Our families have to show for it?  i am under paid and over employed, he exclaims.  And to top it all off, every dam day my wife fills this lunch box with chinese food.  i cannot take it anymore and i will tell you what; if tomorrow i open this lunchbox and there is chinese food, this will be the end."
the black man looks at the redneck to gauge his response and finds familiarity so he goes unfiltered...
"fuck it your right.  we work on these high rises every fucking day and somehow people still look down us. i drive a 1999 toyota camery so my family can afford additional luxuries while these engineers show up in a caravan of land rovers and get valet parking.  i do not think anyone appreciates my sacrifice...i know my wife does not, every day she places the same sole food in my box and assumes all is fine when i return it half eaten.  you guys are my only friends and if lose just one of you i am not sure time can heal the void left behind."
the redneck takes a moment to process what is unfolding.  "i cannot relate with much of your hardships guys as i am happy to be here and until our pay was called into question was content with that as well.  but now that it has been mentioned, i have grown tired of eating a baloney sandwich and drinking a coke.  if tomorrow i have to choose between another baloney sandwhich or death i do not need but one second to make the choice."
*1000hrs the next day on break the men get together.*
after a night of sleep the black man wants to check the barometer on the large commitment that was made. have anyone of you guys looked into your lunchboxes yet"?  the chinese man and redneck respond with a sapped of energy, "no".
*noon rolls around and the guys climb out onto the suspended i beam with lunchboxes in tote.*
with the other guys watching, the chinese man opens his box to see chicken chow mein staring him in the face, the same image which plays on his eyelids every night. with not a parting word, he rotates his center of gravity off the edge of the i beam and begins his decent at 9.82m/s\^2.
*while the chineseman is still in free fall...*
the black man does not even open the lunch box, as the 135f radiant heat off the roof has placed the ubiquitous smell of cornbread in the air.  a man of his word, he jumps.
*the redneck pauses for a second...*
then opens his lunchbox to the slimy slug trail, the baloney sandwich left behind from the bumpy commute in his ford pickup truck.  he slides the open box down the i beam to feed and wave good bye to the resident pigeons.
*about 4 days later...*
the grieving wives are in a room trying to figure out where it all went wrong. with the only clue left behind being the lunchboxes the women start to connect the dots based on previous conversations.  the chinese woman and black woman embrace as they are feeling some regrets.  with their eye shadow running down their faces they are baffled to see a lack of emotion on Laura's face.  "Laura, you do understand that us packing our husbands, the same lunch everyday may have been the proverbial straw that broke the camels back"?  i do not think that is it, Laura explains, "Mathew packs his own lunch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw2q8w/long_three_metal_workers_were_eating_their_lunch/
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My boss promised me that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.

Then today he called me to brag about that he is going to ba a father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw2p5a/my_boss_promised_me_that_he_would_stop_taking/
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What do you call a possum that goes back for seconds on soup

A more-soupial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw2ld3/what_do_you_call_a_possum_that_goes_back_for/
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What do you call a man who had too much to drink?

A cab :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw2h4h/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_had_too_much_to_drink/
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Goldilocks was killed for eating someone else's porridge.

The murderers did it with their bear hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw2d8q/goldilocks_was_killed_for_eating_someone_elses/
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What do Swiss Cheese and Jesus Christ have in common?

They are both very **holey**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw295t/what_do_swiss_cheese_and_jesus_christ_have_in/
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One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".
"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.
The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor."
The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?"
He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?"
Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!"
The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw27bu/one_night_a_boston_police_officer_knocked_on_a/
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What do you get when you cross a tiger with a rabbit?

A tiger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw22wl/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_tiger_with_a/
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A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."
The DEA agent exploded,  exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"
"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd better stay out of my west 40 just the same."
Reaching into his pants pocket, the agent removed his badge and angrily thrust it at the rancher.
"SEE THIS BADGE?!" He shouted,  "THIS BADGE means I am allowed to go WHEREVER the FUCK I want, ANYWHERE! NO QUESTIONS ASKED! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams coming from the west. He looked up from his work, and saw the DEA agent running for his life across the pasture, being chased by the rancher's prize bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the agent, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.
The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs: "SIR!!! YOUR BADGE! QUICK, SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw21ml/a_dea_agent_stopped_at_a_ranch_and_told_the/
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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw2014/the_word_asparagus_is_funny/
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What doe you call a German pregnancy?

Kinder surprise!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw1v1t/what_doe_you_call_a_german_pregnancy/
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What do abortions and Digiorno have in common?

They're not delivery, but they taste OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw1slc/what_do_abortions_and_digiorno_have_in_common/
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Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw1sfg/why_do_you_never_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
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What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?

Get off me, homes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw1mmh/what_did_the_mexican_say_when_the_two_houses_fell/
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My friend asked me if I knew the difference between table tennis and ping pong

I said yeah, ones what it looks like ones what it sounds like

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw1l2d/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_knew_the_difference/
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My friend stole my diary a month ago, and suddenly died a few days later.

My thoughts are with his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw1g6f/my_friend_stole_my_diary_a_month_ago_and_suddenly/
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw1d1j/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking...

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself  out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the  building, and back into bar window.
"That's incredible! I don't believe it!" she says.
"Hey barkeep, throw me another one o' them Magic Beers". The bartender  shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The  man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and  circle the building again.
"Here, you try it" he says to the blonde.
She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls  about 30 feet to the ground
- breaking both her legs - and begins  screaming in pain.
The bartender says, "Superman, you're a real bastard when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw19tr/a_pretty_blonde_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the/
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A Flight to Israel...

A woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, "It's easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there's your dog.”
So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv, goes to the luggage rack, no dog. She goes to the lost and found, says, "Where's my dog?" They look all over the airport for it, and find the dog in another terminal. Only the dog is dead.
"Oh, my gosh, they say, we killed this woman's dog. What are we going to do?"
Then one says, "Don't worry, it's a poodle. They're common dogs.”
My friend Yitzi has a pet shop across the street from the airport. We'll get the same size, shape, color, sex. She'll never know the difference."
They bring the woman the other dog but she says, "That's not my dog." Laughingly and making light of it they say, "What do you mean that's not your dog?"
To which she responds, "My dog's dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw0z2l/a_flight_to_israel/
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Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.
He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top of the hill. He listened closer and could hear Bread of Heaven and Hen Wlad fy Nhadau.
He looked up to see a great palace with statues of Barry John and Gareth Edwards and a party in the garden had Brains SA flowing freely as the crowd watched Scott Gibbs scoring his try against England in 1999. He went to the Lord and said: “I don’t want to appear ungrateful - but why does Warren get the huge mansion?”
God said: “You’ve got it all wrong! That’s not Warren’s place - it’s mine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw0gup/warren_gatland_and_eddie_jones_are_both_killed/
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What does the little mermaid wear to her maths classes?

An algebra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw0fhb/what_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_to_her_maths/
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I've got the deal already worked out - this Black Friday, I'm getting a new Lexus for my wife

I think she's going to be really surprised - but from my perspective, it's an awesome trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw0edc/ive_got_the_deal_already_worked_out_this_black/
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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender

"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw0e84/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_to_the_bartender/
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My sister Mary has an abusive husband. Their BBQs are awkward...

We watch him eat, drink and beat Mary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw08i7/my_sister_mary_has_an_abusive_husband_their_bbqs/
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My wife only lets me have sex doggy-style now

I sit up and beg while she rolls over and plays dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw06aw/my_wife_only_lets_me_have_sex_doggystyle_now/
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Double trouble

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit… well, more than a bit… had a snuggle, and she asked me if i ever had a “Sportsman’s double”.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It’s a mother, daughter threesome,” she replied.
“Oh,” I said, as my mind began to embrace the idea. “No I haven’t,” and I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she say with a wink that tonight was my “lucky night”. I went back to her place, and as we walked in she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, “Mom, are you still awake?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dw035l/double_trouble/
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So I was walking past a rose bush today and it said something really crotchety and ill-informed.

I was like, "ok, bloomer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvzytg/so_i_was_walking_past_a_rose_bush_today_and_it/
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TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.
When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Thinking nothing of it, we stepped inside, only to be greeted by the sight of the (now former) friend dressed as a sausage, sitting alone in the center of the room, legs spread, jacking off! My girlfriend turned to me, red in the face and with a murderous look in her eye."We're leaving." she muttered.
Unthinkingly, I said the first thing that entered my mind. "Babe, we can't leave now! The wurst is yet to cum!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvzyqt/tifu_by_taking_my_girlfriend_to_a_food_themed/
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How did the diamond find a girlfriend?

Carbon dating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvzwg7/how_did_the_diamond_find_a_girlfriend/
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Argentina is surprisingly cold

In fact, it’s bordering on Chile...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvzvsk/argentina_is_surprisingly_cold/
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Went to see my chiropractor for the first time in a long time.

First thing he said when I walked into his office was "Glad to see your back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvzu7u/went_to_see_my_chiropractor_for_the_first_time_in/
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What does the new vegan whopper and dildos have in common?

They are both meat substitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvznep/what_does_the_new_vegan_whopper_and_dildos_have/
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A college student is talking with his therapist.

The student says to the therapist, "I haven't had a good day today. I lost something."
"What did you lose?" asked the therapist.
"My ex got run over on the street by a bus."
"Oh my goodness, I am very sorry you lost your ex."
The student replied, "What? No, I lost my job as a part-time bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvznc3/a_college_student_is_talking_with_his_therapist/
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A man died in his home today when a pile of books fell on him..

Police said "he only has his shelf to blame"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvzavp/a_man_died_in_his_home_today_when_a_pile_of_books/
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What do you call four bullfighters in quick sand?

Cuatro Sinko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvyzcc/what_do_you_call_four_bullfighters_in_quick_sand/
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I found r/atheism the other day

Still can't believe it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvyofz/i_found_ratheism_the_other_day/
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I once had a job at a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.
However, I kept running into a problem. I wasn’t applying the dots fast enough. It was a mental thing - I’d get hung up on where should I apply the next dot so it doesn’t look bad, etc. But one of the guys who’d been there longer than I had gave me a piece of advice. He told me to cross to my eyes. That way, I could just kinda zone out and hit the t-shirt a few times randomly without paying much attention to where exactly I was applying the dots. It worked like magic.
Well eventually I was getting ready to leave the factory and they had me train my replacement. It only took one day. I left him with one piece of advice. I told him not to get too hung up on the specific details but just to make sure he dotted his tees and crossed his eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvye6c/i_once_had_a_job_at_a_tshirt_factory/
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Jake decided to send his good friend, Thomas, a bouquet of flowers to celebrate Thomas's business expansion.

He called a florist in Thomas' local area and made arrangements- flowers, personalized note, vase, and so forth.
A week later, Thomas called Jake, confused. "Jake- what the hell? The florist dropped off a bouquet of lilies with a message that says 'Rest in peace.'"
Jake realizes the florist's mistake and calls them to complain.
"We deeply apologize, sir, " the florist said. "But hey, it could be worse. Somewhere right now is a grave with colorful flowers and a message that says 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvy7bp/jake_decided_to_send_his_good_friend_thomas_a/
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A small sperm whale and his dad are swimming through the ocean

He asks his dad where he came from and the dad responds, "my penis, of course!" The son, disgusted, "that's gross! Thanks a lot dad." And the dad says, "you're whale cum!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvy6jf/a_small_sperm_whale_and_his_dad_are_swimming/
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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.
The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”
The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. “Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!”
The blonde mom rifles through her daughter’s purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit... Cindy has a dick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvy47j/a_blonde_brunette_and_redhead_mom_go_to_a_cafe/
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I was going to tell a UDP joke but...

You might not get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvxiqi/i_was_going_to_tell_a_udp_joke_but/
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Bad pickup line: Dang girl, you smell like garbage...

Can I take you out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvxhny/bad_pickup_line_dang_girl_you_smell_like_garbage/
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Three logicians walk into a bar

The barkeeper asks: "Do you all want something to drink?"
First logician: "I don't know."
Second logician: "I don‘t know."
Third logician: "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvx0w0/three_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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A female airline stewardess askes a passenger

if he would like some headphones
The man turns to her and says, "Why yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvwxsi/a_female_airline_stewardess_askes_a_passenger/
%
A guy and his girlfriend go to a Halloween party and neither of them are wearing costumes

The guy is carrying his gf on his back, piggyback-style, when the host approaches them.
He says "Hey, great to see you and all, but you know this is a Halloween party. Where are your costumes?"
The guy says "We have costumes. I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvwxp6/a_guy_and_his_girlfriend_go_to_a_halloween_party/
%
Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas?

It's super ape peeling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvww0z/did_you_see_the_new_youtube_channel_thats_non/
%
Last night, I was listening to some guy bragging about his one night stand.

I was like, so what dude.  I have two night stands; one on either side of my bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvwr7q/last_night_i_was_listening_to_some_guy_bragging/
%
I had a dream I was drowning in orange soda.

Luckily it was a Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvwmqk/i_had_a_dream_i_was_drowning_in_orange_soda/
%
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

"We have two basic needs, honorable Sir", replied the village leader.
"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."
On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not to worry, a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the second problem.
"...Secondly Sir, there is no cellphone reception anywhere in this village."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvwkpt/a_politician_visited_a_village_and_asked_what/
%
Epstein's death being a suicide was just one big misunderstanding...

The medical examiner who ruled the death as a suicide misunderstood what his colleague meant by "Man... Epstein sure was hung!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvwk4u/epsteins_death_being_a_suicide_was_just_one_big/
%
My brother said it's his lifes ambition to give a hand job to a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter and a builder.

Hes wants to be a jack off all trades

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvwfs1/my_brother_said_its_his_lifes_ambition_to_give_a/
%
There are three types of men...

1. Tri-weekly
2. Try weekly
3. Try weakly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvwd48/there_are_three_types_of_men/
%
Anyone can grow up to become President

I used to think this was just some bullshit my father told me for inspiration.  Now I realize it was more of a warning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvvvna/anyone_can_grow_up_to_become_president/
%
My first date told me to just be myself 100%

So I went home and started playing some Minecraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvvlrr/my_first_date_told_me_to_just_be_myself_100/
%
My roommate is a very foxy woman

She regularly goes through the trash, she constantly eats all my eggs, and I once saw her eat a raw chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvv46t/my_roommate_is_a_very_foxy_woman/
%
Did you hear about the guy in court for desecrating religious icons?

His case really fell apart on the cross examination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvv2um/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_in_court_for/
%
How do French cats laugh?

“L’mao”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvv18w/how_do_french_cats_laugh/
%
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvuzau/why_was_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
%
Sex is like a fart

If you force it; it's probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvuxnh/sex_is_like_a_fart/
%
My dad's star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died

He was attacked by a giant crab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvuwzo/my_dads_star_sign_was_cancer_which_is_ironic/
%
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type

As he was dying he keep insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s been hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvut93/my_dad_died_when_we_couldnt_remember_his_blood/
%
I think I'm addicted to amnesia-inducing drugs

I don't know how it got like this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvur8l/i_think_im_addicted_to_amnesiainducing_drugs/
%
My dad said -459.67 Fahrenheit is the coldest things can get

I just said "0K, Boomer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvulbt/my_dad_said_45967_fahrenheit_is_the_coldest/
%
An officer pulls over some guy

Officer: “Sir, have you been drinking?”
Motorist: “No, officer. Nope. No way. I’m a non-drinker now. I gave up drinking and a haven’t touched a drop since.”
Officer: “That’s great to hear, sir. Congratulations!”
Motorist: “Thank you, officer. Yep, best decision of my life.”
Officer: “That’s really good to hear, sir. How long’s it been for you?”
Motorist: “Gosh, um, forty...forty-five minutes or so.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvu9gd/an_officer_pulls_over_some_guy/
%
My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvu857/my_wife_and_i_have_a_list_of_people_we_get_a_free/
%
A bartender told me that the actor from No Country For Old Men started a fight in his pub

I asked, "Javier Bardem"?
He said "No, but I gave him a warning"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvu7b8/a_bartender_told_me_that_the_actor_from_no/
%
When I Got Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvtzib/when_i_got_diagnosed_with_bipolar_disorder/
%
A man and his family are driving along when they're pulled over by a policeman who informs them that they're the one-millionth car to drive past his checkout, and hands them a prize check for 1000 dollars.

"What are you going to do with your winnings?" Asks the policeman.
"I think I'll use it to finally get some driving lessons!" says the husband
"Don't listen to him, he's drunk!" Barks the wife, which wakes the mother-in-law in the backseat
Upon seeing the policeman, she exclaims "Gah, I told ya we'd never get far in a stolen car!"
At this point, there's a knocking sound from the boot
"Hey are we over the border now, ese?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvty8r/a_man_and_his_family_are_driving_along_when/
%
Why do they give old men warm milk and viagra at night in retirement homes?

The warm milk puts them to sleep, the viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvtx0y/why_do_they_give_old_men_warm_milk_and_viagra_at/
%
A Person walks into a bookstore and says "Can I have a book by Shakespeare?" The bookkeeper replies, "Of Course sir, which one?"

William.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvtmim/a_person_walks_into_a_bookstore_and_says_can_i/
%
There was an evil witch who owned a parking lot.

The sign said, "$2.50/hour, 4 hours max"
"Violators will be toad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvtfxq/there_was_an_evil_witch_who_owned_a_parking_lot/
%
Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvtfnr/old_witch_you_wont_take_the_entrylevel_wizarding/
%
[Repost] Doctor just told me I was colorblind...

That really came out of the red

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvte1d/repost_doctor_just_told_me_i_was_colorblind/
%
TIFU by unraveling my favorite sweater

Oops, wrong thread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvtd6a/tifu_by_unraveling_my_favorite_sweater/
%
My boss told me to have a good day..

so I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvtbt2/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
%
Bread is like the sun.

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvtan9/bread_is_like_the_sun/
%
Knock, knock!

Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvt9yg/knock_knock/
%
What did Gordon Ramsay say when he caught a clown in bed with the Egyptian Sun God?

IT's fucking Ra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvsw1t/what_did_gordon_ramsay_say_when_he_caught_a_clown/
%
What do you call the person who steals from black people?

Robbin Hood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvsuv3/what_do_you_call_the_person_who_steals_from_black/
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Johnnie didn't know what else to do to have sex with his wife...

... every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts.
They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best toast. One night, Johnnie made a special toast:
"I toast to spending the rest of my nights between my wife's legs!"
So he won the best toast of the night for the first time. He arrived home buzzed and overly excited thinking this was the night they would finally have sex.
"Mary, I won the best toast of the night!"
"Really, what did you toast for?"
But Johnnie was suddenly scared of making things worse: "Well... I toasted to spending all my days in church!"
So the next day, Johnnie and Mary are walking in town and one of Johnnie's friends approaches the couple with a naughty smile.
"Mary... did you know Johnnie won the best toast last night?"
Johnnie freezes and Mary replies: "Yes, but that's odd... every time I tell him to do it he refuses. If we ever do it, he falls asleep halfway through. And last weekend I had to grab him by his ears, and still, he didn't come!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvsnmd/johnnie_didnt_know_what_else_to_do_to_have_sex/
%
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvsk5k/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
%
A guy walks into a bar

Above the bar there's a sign that says "Cheese Sandwich $2.00, Handjobs $10.00. The guy asks the lady behind the bar, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?" She says, "Yes I am." So the guy says, "Then wash your hands and fix me a cheese sandwich!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvsix4/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the document go to jail?

It was a .pdf file.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvsiaq/why_did_the_document_go_to_jail/
%
My friend kept trying to balance mints on his foot

Turns out he was playing tic tac toe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvs9rc/my_friend_kept_trying_to_balance_mints_on_his_foot/
%
Why is a broken elevator reassuring?

It will never let you down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvs6e8/why_is_a_broken_elevator_reassuring/
%
Why does Rupert the Bear wear yellow checked trousers?

Because he's a cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvs209/why_does_rupert_the_bear_wear_yellow_checked/
%
Why don’t Macedonians like pizza?

Too much Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvs1uy/why_dont_macedonians_like_pizza/
%
How many abducted women does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently more than five, my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvryc5/how_many_abducted_women_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How do you call a werewolf YouTuber?

Lycansubscribe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrvr9/how_do_you_call_a_werewolf_youtuber/
%
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrvft/i_once_swallowed_a_whole_dictionary/
%
I met a reddit user today

he gave me the damn flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrtoq/i_met_a_reddit_user_today/
%
What’s the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot.

Guys will actually look for a golf ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrqn5/whats_the_difference_between_a_golf_ball_and_a/
%
My little brother just threw a milk carton at me,

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrp5d/my_little_brother_just_threw_a_milk_carton_at_me/
%
Batman don't go anywhere in Nepal

but Kathmandu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrnpc/batman_dont_go_anywhere_in_nepal/
%
The Truck Driver and the Priest

In a small town outside of a big city, there was this truck driver who hated Lawyers. Now I mean like he really hated them lawyers. So whenever he was driving, he would intentionally swerve to hit them. Now, one day, he was driving his normal route, when he spots a priest on the side of the road. So he pulls over and picks the priest up. They have some small talk and the priest tells him he is going to the city. So they get on their way when the Truck Driver See's a lawyer. His natural reaction is to swerve and hit the Lawyer but as he does it he remembers the priest. He swerves back , and looks back. There lying on the ground is the Lawyer. he turns to the priest and says I just killed a man and I'm sorry. The priest says oh no, don't worry I got him with the door.
Edit Grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrn2e/the_truck_driver_and_the_priest/
%
I hate Russian dolls

They’re so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrmvf/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
What is the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrm56/what_is_the_leading_cause_of_dry_skin/
%
Why doesn’t a world of circles exist?

Because it would be pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrksg/why_doesnt_a_world_of_circles_exist/
%
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He’s now a seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrk8c/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
%
Ham Sandwich

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Much, much better than a ham sandwich don't you think?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrjy3/ham_sandwich/
%
What did the Jedi eat after a big dinner at the Italian restaurant?

Only One Cannoli
(My 8 year old just told me this, and I laughed way too hard.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrjl2/what_did_the_jedi_eat_after_a_big_dinner_at_the/
%
When Lorena Bobbitt famously cut off her husbands wiener and drove across town with it, she decided to throw it out the car window and when she did it hit the windshield of the car behind her with 2 old ladies in it, the driver said “what kind of bug was that!?” and the passenger said,..

“I don’t know but did you see the dick on that thing?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrda4/when_lorena_bobbitt_famously_cut_off_her_husbands/
%
He knows what he's doing

Leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire. His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some chickens.'
Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.' But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'
The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape. The father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'
The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!'
The son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm. The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!!'
The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussy willows. The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrc5o/he_knows_what_hes_doing/
%
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

It was about a week back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvrax6/do_you_guys_remember_when_i_told_you_about_my/
%
Here’s one my biology teacher told in class.

There are three moles digging a hole. There’s a daddy mole, a mommy mole, and a baby mole. The daddy mole stops digging and sticks his nose in the air and says “it smells like pancakes!”
Then, the mommy mole sticks her nose in the air and says “it smells like bacon!”
Then the baby mole sighs and says “ It smells like molasses”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvr8td/heres_one_my_biology_teacher_told_in_class/
%
Why was Osama bin laden kicked out of geometry class.

He kept blowing up the pentagons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvr8r9/why_was_osama_bin_laden_kicked_out_of_geometry/
%
A guy opens a restaurant in a new city

He comes to meet the small grocery stores and meets the lady :
I need dog food. It's for my dog.
The lady refuses at first, and tells him she wants to see the dog to be sure he won't give the dog food to his customers. The guys leaves, comes back with a dog, and the lady, angrily, gives him his dog food.
Later the guy comes again asking for cat food. The lady asks him again if he has a cat, and wants to see it. The guy brings back a cat and the lady gives him his food.
At the end of the day, the guy comes back with a big plate of brown stuff. He puts  it on the desk of the woman, who puts her finger in and tries. She spits and starts to puke before telling "It tastes like shit". The guy answers " I need toilet paper"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvr7uo/a_guy_opens_a_restaurant_in_a_new_city/
%
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my like come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvr5x8/every_time_i_lie_down_on_my_new_bed_all_the/
%
What were Donald Trumps last words before he was hanged?

"Fake noose, folks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvr1q3/what_were_donald_trumps_last_words_before_he_was/
%
What does a buffalo say to his kid, when sending him to school?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvquqk/what_does_a_buffalo_say_to_his_kid_when_sending/
%
What’s the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew?

One comes back from camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvqrkp/whats_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a_jew/
%
Why does Mike Wazowski win every race?

Because he’s always a-head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvqc9i/why_does_mike_wazowski_win_every_race/
%
How do mountains see?

They peak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvq8uf/how_do_mountains_see/
%
Jesus addresses the angry mob who is stoning a prostitute:

“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” A stone flies through the air and hits the woman. Jesus turns around and says, “Sometimes you really piss me off Mother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvq4h6/jesus_addresses_the_angry_mob_who_is_stoning_a/
%
How do they say "fuck you" in LA?

Trust me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvq0t6/how_do_they_say_fuck_you_in_la/
%
You know why women like having sex with the lights off?

Because they can't stand to see a man having a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvpyhk/you_know_why_women_like_having_sex_with_the/
%
My wife laughed at me for my lack of sense of direction...

so I packed my stuff and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvpsrd/my_wife_laughed_at_me_for_my_lack_of_sense_of/
%
A fight was started downtown by a man wearing a suit made completely of mirrors

The police said the man apologized once he had time to sit down and reflect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvpqnt/a_fight_was_started_downtown_by_a_man_wearing_a/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvp8dy/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
I hate giving money to Charity

It's bad enough I lost half my stuff, but paying her alimony aswell is ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvoyk6/i_hate_giving_money_to_charity/
%
Wife called me up

- “what are you doing hon?”
- “in the middle of an epic boss battle”
- “cool. What game are you playing?”
- “Game? I’m in the middle of my performance review at work”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvoyfr/wife_called_me_up/
%
I'm working on my second million.

Gave up on the first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvouyf/im_working_on_my_second_million/
%
What is the difference between a woman in a church and a woman in her bath?

The woman in a church has her soul full of hope whereas the woman in her bath has her hole full of soap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvolxm/what_is_the_difference_between_a_woman_in_a/
%
Installing mufflers isn’t an easy job.

It’s exhausting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvoiex/installing_mufflers_isnt_an_easy_job/
%
Justice is a dish best served cold

If it were served warm it would be justwater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvo89z/justice_is_a_dish_best_served_cold/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvo2tt/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Because it's pointless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvnn7o/why_shouldnt_you_write_with_a_broken_pencil/
%
What religion is your bra??

A man walked into then ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
“I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”
'”What type of bra?”, asked the clerk.
“Type?”, inquires the man, “There's more than one type?”
“Look around”, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.”
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: “There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?”
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
BONUS:
Oh and have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvnmi6/what_religion_is_your_bra/
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What would goldfish be called if they were a street drug?

The crack that smiles back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvnizr/what_would_goldfish_be_called_if_they_were_a/
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If you take a picture of a man named Richard...

Is it a Dick pic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvnhr2/if_you_take_a_picture_of_a_man_named_richard/
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What is a nuclear physicists favorite food?

FissionChips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvndqm/what_is_a_nuclear_physicists_favorite_food/
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I’m thinking of starting a band with some guys I met online

We’re gonna call ourselves LinkedIn Park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvnc4j/im_thinking_of_starting_a_band_with_some_guys_i/
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She had to go to the bathroom when I proposed her.

It was a real shitty thing to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvnav2/she_had_to_go_to_the_bathroom_when_i_proposed_her/
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A man in the forklift business sat next to me on a plane. He asked, "what do women and forklifts have in common?"

Without either, you're left to unload by hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvn1b6/a_man_in_the_forklift_business_sat_next_to_me_on/
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If there is one thing that democrats and republicans can agree on during this impeachment hearing...

...it's that "quid pro quo" is really fucking fun to say!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvmuhk/if_there_is_one_thing_that_democrats_and/
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At the hotel

Me: "Do you guys offer late check-out?"
Hotel California Concierge: "Buddy, I’ve got great news."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvmty2/at_the_hotel/
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So a Cruise Ship Sinks...

So a cruise ship sinks in the middle of the pacific and three guys find themselves stranded on a desert island after being adrift in a life raft for a week.
After being on the island for a couple days a plane flies overhead and sees their SOS on the beach. With their supplies almost exhausted they start to search the island for food and water while they wait for the rescue to arrive and come across an old oil lamp. As a joke one guy syas to the others "Maybe if we rub it a genie will pop out" and gives it a quick buff with his sleeve. Low and behold to their surprise a genie really does appear and offers them each 3 wishes for freeing him.
So the first guy says "For my first wish I want 5 billion dollars!" The genie snaps his fingers and tells him that its done. The second guy yells out "I want to be the richest man alive" and the genie again snaps his fingers and tells the man that he is now richer than Bill Gates. The third guy takes his time and after much humming and hawing says to the genie "I wish that my left arm was constantly rotating clockwise." The genie thinking that this is a very odd request asks if he's sure and the guy reaffirms his wish so the genie snaps his fingers and the guy's left arm starts to rotate clockwise.
For his second wish the first guy asks for the "The hottest wife in the world." and the genie snaps his fingers and bombshell appears on the mans arm. Seeing this the second guy wishes "To be able to sleep with any person he wants" so the genie snaps his fingers and the second guy beckons to the first's new wife. The third guy acter more humming and hawing finally says "I wish my right arm was constantly rotating counter-clockwise." Again the genie questions him if that really is his wish before snapping his fingers and the man's right arm begins rotate the opposite way of his left.
Going back to the first guy the genie asks him for his third and final wish to which the man states that he wants to be the president of the United States. So the genie snaps his fingers and tells him that as soon as his feet touch the ground back in the US that he will be sworn in as president. Moving on to the second guy the genie begins to ask what his second wish is but the guy cuts hims off and demands unlimited political power. The genie angrily snaps his fingers, tells him that it is done and the second guy begins telling the first how to run the country when they get back. The third guy again is humming and hawing and seeing the rescue boat drawing near says "I wish my head was constantly nodding up and down." The genie really doesn't see why the third guy keeps making these strange wishes and again asks if he is 100% sure that's what he wants and the man says yes. So the genie snaps his fingers and the man's head begins to nod up and down.
At this point the rescue boat has pulled into shore so they three guys board it and one the way home agree to meet again in five years to see how each is getting on in life after their incredible experience.
Five years later they all meet again and the first guy says "Life is good. I got re-elected for a second term as president, I'm still super rich and my wife is still the hottest woman on the planet."
The second guy tells them "Life is great. I'm still the richest man alive, get to tell the first guy what to do and sometimes I bang his super hot wife."
Now both guys turn to the third who's arms are still rotating and his head is still nodding up and down and he tells them "You know what guys? I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvmr9c/so_a_cruise_ship_sinks/
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Did you hear about the large yellow dog with a drug problem?

Turns out he was a Meth Lab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvmm4t/did_you_hear_about_the_large_yellow_dog_with_a/
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What does a Mexican put underneath his carpets?

Underlay Underlay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvm4ae/what_does_a_mexican_put_underneath_his_carpets/
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What’s a math teacher’s favorite species?

It’s Algae, Brah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvm0bd/whats_a_math_teachers_favorite_species/
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Three old guys are taking a walk...

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvm08g/three_old_guys_are_taking_a_walk/
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What do you call a 60 year old that likes anime

A Wee-A-Boomer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvlxvb/what_do_you_call_a_60_year_old_that_likes_anime/
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A guy walks into a bar.

He notices there are multiple assortments of meat hanging from the ceiling. The cashier, after seeing him confused, told him it was a competition and told him the rules.
“If you can hop up and slap one of those cuts, you get free drinks till tomorrow. If you miss, you pay for everybody’s drinks for the next hour. You in?”
“Nah” The man quietly answered. “Steaks are too high.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvlwyc/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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There are 3 things I love:

Eating my family and not using commas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvlws8/there_are_3_things_i_love/
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New name

I am changing my name to jesus christ
Because that is what everyone says when they see me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvljoh/new_name/
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Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?

Someone told him to get a long little doggie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvlj6m/whyd_did_the_cowboy_have_a_wiener_dog/
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An Irish woman is cleaning her husband's rifle and accidentally shoots him.

She calls the hospital and says "It's my fooken husband, I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken killed him."
The operator says "Please, calm down ma'am. Can you first make sure he is actually dead?"
\*Click\*... Bang!
"OK, I've done that. What now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvla1c/an_irish_woman_is_cleaning_her_husbands_rifle_and/
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I don’t usually tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvl8hq/i_dont_usually_tell_dad_jokes/
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My Girlfriend caught me cheating so I broke up with her.

I can't be with someone who can't mind their own business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvl2a6/my_girlfriend_caught_me_cheating_so_i_broke_up/
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Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvl1l7/sitting_beside_my_girlfriend_i_said_i_love_you/
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When have videogames ever hurt anyone?

Well actually, three thousand people were killed in California in the 1906 earthquake. That was San Andreas's fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvl0kw/when_have_videogames_ever_hurt_anyone/
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my most prized possession is this epipen

my friend gave it to me as he was dying.
it seemed real important to him that I had it....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvkx60/my_most_prized_possession_is_this_epipen/
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I'm sure now, wherever my dad is, he'll be looking down on me.

He's not dead, just very condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvkvoy/im_sure_now_wherever_my_dad_is_hell_be_looking/
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I made a million dollars in October, it's now mid-November and I'm fucking broke.

I hate working at he Mint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvktsa/i_made_a_million_dollars_in_october_its_now/
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What did the stereo say when it lost its volume knob?

Eh, no worries... It’ll turn up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvkoxj/what_did_the_stereo_say_when_it_lost_its_volume/
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I hate guys who are too overconfident..

I really do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvkojk/i_hate_guys_who_are_too_overconfident/
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Why do the tanks of the French army have rear windows?

So they can see the battlefield.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvkl7t/why_do_the_tanks_of_the_french_army_have_rear/
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A defendant interrupts the judge: "Pardon me, sir," he starts.

"No." says the judge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvkhow/a_defendant_interrupts_the_judge_pardon_me_sir_he/
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Why don't young boys like going to church?

It's a massive pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvkeup/why_dont_young_boys_like_going_to_church/
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Do you know why ordering balloons for a party is so expensive?

Inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvke59/do_you_know_why_ordering_balloons_for_a_party_is/
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What do you call Martial Arts involving feet?

Toe-Fu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvk41v/what_do_you_call_martial_arts_involving_feet/
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Two Atoms

Two atoms are walking down the sidewalk. One says, "I think I lost a neutron!" and the other says, "Don't worry! You can get another one free of charge!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvk07r/two_atoms/
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I had a dream all night that I was a muffler

I woke up exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvjyu9/i_had_a_dream_all_night_that_i_was_a_muffler/
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A boy asks a girl to prom

So there's this boy in highschool, around 16 years old and he very nervously and timidly asks this beautiful girl out to prom. Out of his league and the most beautiful I'm the school. He's shocked and quite startled when he hears "id love to go!" Leave her lips.
Short on time with days till or, he remembers "shoot! I don't have a tux!". He hurries to a suit store where dozens of late comers just like him are standing in l Thw boy stands there for hours waiting to get fitted and purchase his new tux. And leaves the store just as it's closing.
The boy is excited knowing he has a nice set of threads to impress his date, but he remembers he hasn't bought any tickets to the actual dance! The next day he runs to the school to buy tickets, only to find just like him, there were dozens of late comers waiting in line to buy tickets. Though he's not so disappointed as he isn't at the end of the line. A good half hour goes by and he finally buys the last two prom tickets for him and his date. Tickets in hand, knees shaky, and heart pounding the boy calls the girl to tell he has the tickets. "Great! I have a dress all ready and I can't wait for the dance!".
After days of nerve wracking patience, the boy picks up the girl to take her to their junior prom. When they get to the door leading to prom they have to wait in line for another time! Frustrated and fed up with lines, the boy drags his date to the front of the line, hands the greeter the tickets and they both walk in side.
The night is going well. The music ia hot, both the girl and the boy have sweet dance moves and they tear up the dance floor. An hour goes by and the girl is tired and very thirsty. She says to the boy "would you be a dear and go get us something to drink?". The boy gladly walks to the drink bar and he finds what else? More lines! He stops his foot and crosses his arms, scanning the bar fir a shorter line. The apple juice line, the orange juice line, the soda line. And then he sees it!!...
....There is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvjyhv/a_boy_asks_a_girl_to_prom/
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Alex Jones walks into a bar...

The bartender asks him what he would like and he says “just a water.” The bartender gets him his water and he smiles and walks down to other end of the bar where a male frog is sitting by himself. He sits down next to him with a wide grin, places the water on the bar and puts his hand on his shoulder. “Hey there pal, how about a drink?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvjru1/alex_jones_walks_into_a_bar/
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An American, a Brit and an Irishman walked into a bar and they each ordered a beer...

A fly landed in the American's beer - he held the beer out to the bartender  "Ugh! Bartender, get me another beer!" Then the American went back to drinking his new beer.
Another fly landed in the Brit's beer - he picked the fly out, tossed it aside and went back to drinking
Another fly landed in the Irishman's beer - he picked the fly up and held it at head level....looked it in the eye and said: "Spit it back, ya little bastud!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvjqdn/an_american_a_brit_and_an_irishman_walked_into_a/
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The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years.

On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.
As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside and lead him upstairs where she made mad passionate love to him. After their lovemaking she lead him downstairs where she prepared an exquisite dinner for him.
He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Dinner was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvjgho/the_neighborhood_postman_was_retiring_after_30/
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"Hey man, do you think it'd be possible to build two piers next to each other?"

"no way, that's a pair o' docks!"
No idea if that's been posted before, just came up in my head and I don't think I seen anyone else make it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvjd89/hey_man_do_you_think_itd_be_possible_to_build_two/
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Zeno's paradox

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are at a bar and see a beautiful woman across the room. They're all too nervous to talk to her so the physicist devises a plan to work up the necessary courage. Walk half the distance from them to her, then half the remaining distance, and again, and again, and again. The mathematician says it won't work because they will never actually get to her. The engineer says, "Well, it's close enough for practical purposes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvjcm0/zenos_paradox/
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Duality of thought

You have two types of thoughts. Inward and outward. It is okay to say the outward if it won’t hurt anyone. But only certain people can say the inward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvj952/duality_of_thought/
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What's the difference between sailors and gluttons?

One worries about pirates while the other worries about pie rates!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvj8oj/whats_the_difference_between_sailors_and_gluttons/
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I used to be a boy in a girls body

Then I came out of my mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvj86j/i_used_to_be_a_boy_in_a_girls_body/
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Why did the bee get married?

Because he found his honey!
I’ll buzzzzzzz myself out now hehe ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvj75v/why_did_the_bee_get_married/
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What did the banana say to the banana bully?

You hurt my peelings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dviml9/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_banana_bully/
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What do you get when you leave a pair of dentures in the freezer overnight?

Frost bite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvi2zi/what_do_you_get_when_you_leave_a_pair_of_dentures/
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My dog used to chase people in cars.

It got so bad that we had to take his car away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvi09n/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_in_cars/
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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.
Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wanted revenge. One day, he returns to the same bar. Britain, France, Russia (who changed his name to the USSR after his personality change), everyone. They all stare at him.
Germany walks to Chezhslovokia and asks for his wallet. He refuses, but France and Britain make him give it up, so he does.
Germany thanks him, before hitting him over the head with a bat. Austria gives up immediately.
He walks over to Poland, but Britain and France warn him. He calls over the USSR, and they both beat Poland to a pulp.
Britain and France have enough, and officially declare a bar fight. Nothing happens.
Again, the tension is thick enough to cut with a knife. Germany picks up France, and throws him through a window. He gives up.
The USSR takes some steroids.
Britain stands on the bar counter while Germany swings his bat. Britain blocks or dodges all of them. Germany is tired, and thinks that now is the perfect time to attack the USSR.
The USSR gets thrown through a window, and hit with Germany's bat several times, but then the steroids kick in. He uppercuts Germany and he goes flying.
Meanwhile, Japan, who is making sexual advances towards China, hits America over the head with a barstool. America is furious, and they fight.
Italy passes out.
Britain jumps on Germany while he is fighting the USSR. France comes back out of nowhere.
Germany can't take anymore, so he hits himself with his bat, and dies. They split Germany in half as a trophy.
Meanwhile, America is still fighting Japan, whips out a knife and stabs Japan twice.
Everyone is surprised.
Except the USSR, who whistles while he sharpens his own knife behind his back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvhtmt/wwii_as_a_bar_fight/
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Why is Djokovic's house so filthy?

No vac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvhsuv/why_is_djokovics_house_so_filthy/
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My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.

So I brought her home diet pills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvhdks/my_wife_asked_me_to_pick_up_some_of_those_pills/
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Fair warning: This is a repost!

Joe and his wife Martha went to the annual show every year and each time Joe would say: “Martha, I’d like to ride in that plane.”
And every year Martha would reply: “I know Joe, but that plane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.”
One year Joe and Martha went to the fair and he said: “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that plane this year I may never get another chance.”
Martha replied: “Joe, that plane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.”
The pilot overheard them and said: “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s $10.” Joe and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Joe: “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Joe replied: “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvhbmp/fair_warning_this_is_a_repost/
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I like my sex like my open casket funerals

With an open casket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvha6m/i_like_my_sex_like_my_open_casket_funerals/
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u didn’t get it

Two engineering students were biking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike."
The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvh7iv/u_didnt_get_it/
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My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvgwgz/my_friend_and_i_frequently_give_conjugal_visits/
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A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvgjpz/a_man_who_is_driving_a_car_is_stopped_by_a_police/
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what's the difference between a ball and a prince?

one is thrown in the air and the other is heir to the throne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvgenp/whats_the_difference_between_a_ball_and_a_prince/
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What’s a mermaid’s favorite drug?

Seaweed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvgc4m/whats_a_mermaids_favorite_drug/
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I really don't get racism

In the end we all taste the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvg5j0/i_really_dont_get_racism/
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I was wrongly fired from my job as a stage designer today...

I left without making a scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvfx9x/i_was_wrongly_fired_from_my_job_as_a_stage/
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It was raining cats and dogs last night, how did I know?

I stepped in a poodle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvfx9p/it_was_raining_cats_and_dogs_last_night_how_did_i/
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Last week I was cleaning my car with my friend...

Then he asked if I could use a sponge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvfwc0/last_week_i_was_cleaning_my_car_with_my_friend/
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My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvfubw/my_friend_told_me_he_hated_blue_cheese_because/
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What are the three similarities to a bar and a bra

1- there are multiple cup sizes
2- they give you milk
3- men prefer to be in them then out of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvfszc/what_are_the_three_similarities_to_a_bar_and_a_bra/
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My 91 year old grandfather went to the heart doctor and was diagnosed with TMDB.

Too Many Damn Birthday's.
^^true ^^story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvfmg9/my_91_year_old_grandfather_went_to_the_heart/
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A rich man asks a sage for advice

A rich man visits a temple to see a sage. He asks the sage how he can find true peace and fulfillment.
The sage says, "take everything in your life that brings you stress, worry, and misery, and put it all in the cave near the top of that mountain behind the temple".
The man does as instructed and when he returns home he feels a new sense of peace and happiness. He tells his rich friends about the sage, and the cave, and they too leave the things that cause them stress, misery, and unhappiness.
The last of the man's friends decides to stop by the temple on his way down, and says to the sage, "You are so wise, sage. You must be the happiest man in the world."
The sage says, "Indeed I am. For near the top of that mountain behind the temple, I have a cave full of money and women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvexqg/a_rich_man_asks_a_sage_for_advice/
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My author friend claims that he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvesvd/my_author_friend_claims_that_he_accidentally/
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Did you know the seagull was gods third attempt at creating the bird...

The A-gull and B-gull weren't quite right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dveqpj/did_you_know_the_seagull_was_gods_third_attempt/
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A Mathematician, A Physicist and A Chemist were on a Beach

They decided to put their expertise to use and conduct some research. The Math man said, "I'll jump into the water and measure the depth of the ocean." The Physicist said, "I will go and examine the density of the water at various depths." The Chemist said, "I will use the data you both collect and make some discovery about the chemical properties of the water. One after the other, the Mathematician and the Physicist jumped into the water. When they didn't come out for a while, a bystander approached the Chemist regarding what was going on and why he wasn't doing anything as his friends hadn't come out of the water yet. The Chemist replied, "You see, my friend, we are scientists and we were conducting an experiment here. And from my observations, I have concluded that the reason my friends haven't come out is, because they are Soluble in water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dveekb/a_mathematician_a_physicist_and_a_chemist_were_on/
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Words are like bullets

People fear them if you have a gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dve2q0/words_are_like_bullets/
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If they say you are what you eat

Then I sure as hell understand why you wouldn’t wanna eat your vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dve1yf/if_they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
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A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve

The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
\[Collected from Internet\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dve0br/a_homeless_man_meets_a_rich_man_on_christmas_eve/
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My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...

...I've had a lot on my plate lately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvdu1m/my_mate_says_im_getting_fat_but_in_my_defence/
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How do you know Kurt Cobain had dandruff?

They found his Head and Shoulders all over the apartment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvdrjc/how_do_you_know_kurt_cobain_had_dandruff/
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There's an easy way to distinguish different clans of Scotsmen just by lifting their kilts...

...if they're packing a quarter pounder under there, they're a McDonald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvdozs/theres_an_easy_way_to_distinguish_different_clans/
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I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire

I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvdj7w/i_was_well_on_my_way_to_becoming_a_millionaire/
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Why do ducks have feathers on their rear ends?

To cover their butt quacks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvdevs/why_do_ducks_have_feathers_on_their_rear_ends/
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Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim."

That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvcvz2/instead_of_the_john_i_call_my_toilet_the_jim/
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What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvcsgw/what_do_you_get_from_a_pampered_cow/
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My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvcnzv/my_ex_used_to_beat_me_a_lot_with_stringed/
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What is a rabbit's favorite drug?

Hare-oine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvcnqq/what_is_a_rabbits_favorite_drug/
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Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvcjw0/sarah_was_in_the_fertilized_egg_business/
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I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words...

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvbx3s/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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What do you call a clown holding a door open for an elderly woman?

A nice jester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvbtbp/what_do_you_call_a_clown_holding_a_door_open_for/
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There's only one place you can find someone with no limbs.

Right where you left them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvbqlp/theres_only_one_place_you_can_find_someone_with/
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A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk

So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvbokg/a_bunch_of_vampire_hunters_needed_to_talk/
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I bought my girlfriend a book called 'Cheap and Easy Vegan Cooking'.

It's ideal for her because not only is she vegan...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvbj81/i_bought_my_girlfriend_a_book_called_cheap_and/
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A young-looking ego and superego walk into a bar...

The barman says ‘I’ll need to see your ID’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvbil6/a_younglooking_ego_and_superego_walk_into_a_bar/
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Parrots. long

Father O'Malley comes out from Sunday mass to talk with his parishioners and Mrs. Coughlin asks if she may have a word with him.
"Of course, Mrs. Coughlin. What seems to be the problem?
“This may sound like a strange question, but I have a problem with my parrot and I hear that you have two wonderful parrots. And I don't know who to turn to.”
“Well you certainly have come to the right person. What exactly is the problem?”
“You may remember that my dear husband, God rest his soul, enjoyed a game or two of poker.”
“I do recall Jim was quite the man with a deck of cards.”
“Well to make a long story short, he was in this card game with a bunch of sailors only a month before he passed away and ended up winning a parrot to which he became very attached.”
“So, now I have this parrot and I don't know what to do with it. She has the foulest mouth I've ever heard. I'm too embarrassed to even tell you what she says.”
“Anyway, I've tried everything. I've scolded it. I've taken away her treats. I've even washed her mouth out with soap. It just hasn't deterred her at all. I can't take it anymore.”
As she starts to sob, Father O'Malley tells her not to worry he has the answer to her problem and brings her over to his office in the rectory.
As they enter the office, Mrs. Coughlin is amazed to see two parrots sitting in their cage, very calmly praying with little rosary beads in their claws.
“Mrs. Coughlin I’d like you to meet my parrots, Tom and Harry.”
“Boys say good morning to Mrs. Coughlin”
Squawk! Good morning Mrs. Coughlin they say in unison and return to praying their little rosaries.
“See how well they're behaved they are? I think if you were to bring over your parrot to spend a few days with my fine birds she would end up being just like them.”
Oh, thank you father. If you don't mind I'll go home and bring my parrot right over.
That's a fine idea. I'll see you soon.
Twenty minutes later Mrs. Coughlin is back with a covered cage in her hand.
Father O'Malley welcomes her in and tells her to place the cage on the hook next to his birds who continue to pray on their rosaries whike staring at the new cage placed next to them.
Mrs. Coughlin take off the cover and immediately her parrot squawks at the other parrots.
“Hey boys! Want a blow job?”
Tom looks over at Harry and says,
“We can finally throw these fucking beads away, our prayers have been answered.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvbev0/parrots_long/
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A blind man walks into a bar.

And a chair and a table too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvbbpc/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Husband is reading Indecent Proposal review during breakfast and asks his wife: *honey would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?*

Wife: *where am I going to get that kind of money*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvb4cs/husband_is_reading_indecent_proposal_review/
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Where is the IT guy?

He ransomware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvay65/where_is_the_it_guy/
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I told my psychiatrist that i am having suicidal thoughts.

She started charging me in advance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvawzq/i_told_my_psychiatrist_that_i_am_having_suicidal/
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Why don't the Clintons like Jahova's witnesses?

They don't like any witnesses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvawtj/why_dont_the_clintons_like_jahovas_witnesses/
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If having sex for money makes you a whore

Then having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvaueo/if_having_sex_for_money_makes_you_a_whore/
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The guy went to the hospital, complaining:

"Doctor, when I touch my head, it hurts. When I touch my stomach, it hurts. When I touch my chest, it hurts. Doctor, what's my problem?"
"Broken finger,"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvat9n/the_guy_went_to_the_hospital_complaining/
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Racing a bear

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvasta/racing_a_bear/
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All in a night’s work

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvashd/all_in_a_nights_work/
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Ooo Heaven is a place on earth

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvarw4/ooo_heaven_is_a_place_on_earth/
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Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.

Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvartr/someones_going_to_have_to_put_an_end_to_this/
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The Invisible Man has a warrant out for his arrest.

The charge is "Failure to appear".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvakai/the_invisible_man_has_a_warrant_out_for_his_arrest/
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PSA - Don't believe everything you read in Public toilets.

Sharon is not up for a good time....boy what an awkward phone call that was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvae2k/psa_dont_believe_everything_you_read_in_public/
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I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop

The steaks were too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dvaadk/i_used_to_illegally_give_weed_to_my_prize_winning/
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Gender is like the twin towers.

There used to be two, but now it’s really complicated and kind of a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dva9cw/gender_is_like_the_twin_towers/
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The only things not Made in China today are...

Assembled in China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dva71k/the_only_things_not_made_in_china_today_are/
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The Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel round his crotch.
The bartender looks up and says "Do you know you have a ship's steering wheel around your crotch?"
The pirate goes "Arr! Aye, its drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv9un6/the_pirate/
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Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey have decided to make a movie together!

Ben Affleck says: "I'll produce it!"
Matt Damon says: "I'll direct it!"
Matthew McConaughey says: "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv9rvb/matt_damon_ben_affleck_and_matthew_mcconaughey/
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The Pope walks into a Mosque.

The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv9pu1/the_pope_walks_into_a_mosque/
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Once I found out masturbating was an addiction,

I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv9l7h/once_i_found_out_masturbating_was_an_addiction/
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How can you tell the uzi wasn't made in the usa

If it was it would've been a BigMac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv9jtk/how_can_you_tell_the_uzi_wasnt_made_in_the_usa/
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I'm participating in No Nut November.

I just wish my wife would have told me that I was starting in September.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv9dny/im_participating_in_no_nut_november/
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The man who invented 'VELCRO' died

Rip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv9b5g/the_man_who_invented_velcro_died/
%
I have a phobia of bouncy castles.

It always make me jump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv989k/i_have_a_phobia_of_bouncy_castles/
%
I broke my finger today.

On the other hand, I'm completely fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv95r2/i_broke_my_finger_today/
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Each time me and my german girlfriend have sex, she rates me out of 10

Last night we tried anal and she couldn't stop screaming 9. That's the best I've ever gotten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv95j1/each_time_me_and_my_german_girlfriend_have_sex/
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This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv93o9/this_is_a_mean_joke/
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Having a conversation with a couple of bouncers...

I was in the pub last night having a conversation with a couple of bouncers, when the barmaid rudely interrupted and said, “Will you talk to my face, not my fucking tits.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv90qn/having_a_conversation_with_a_couple_of_bouncers/
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The weirdest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv8y9a/the_weirdest_job_i_had_was_cleaning_the_monkey/
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A midget psychic just escaped from prison

The "Wanted" poster said "Small medium at large"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv8pzh/a_midget_psychic_just_escaped_from_prison/
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Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv8oqo/imagine_if_america_switched_from_pounds_to/
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The other night I spent hours and hours putting up a decent bookshelf. Came to sit down and the entire thing collapsed

Guess I've only got myshelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv8hnh/the_other_night_i_spent_hours_and_hours_putting/
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What do you call a prostitute doing arithmetic?

The thot that counts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv8gs0/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_doing_arithmetic/
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Who collects the souls of dead birds?

The Grim Cheeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv8god/who_collects_the_souls_of_dead_birds/
%
A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".

I said "Can we be friends with benefits?".
She said "So, you just want sex?".
I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv8fm0/a_girl_told_me_she_wanted_to_be_just_friends/
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Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?
Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv8crm/wife_suppose_you_hit_jackpot_of_1_million_dollars/
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We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv86t9/we_all_know_that_seven_ate_nine_we_were_even_more/
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What's an Anti-vaxxers favourite food?

An Apple.
Because it's keeps the doctors away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv7i17/whats_an_antivaxxers_favourite_food/
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Open relationships

A husband and wife are sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner. Suddenly the wife looks up at the husband and says "You know what honey? I've been thinking about it for a while and I would like to experiment with an open relationship."
The husbands eyes light up, "Yes! This is gonna be great!"
The wife replies "Oh honey I'm so glad you're into it!"
Now more eager, the husband says "Man I can't wait to tell Mike! He's not going to believe this!"
The wife looks at him and says
"I already invited him over later tonight, why don't you tell him then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv6up5/open_relationships/
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I worked at the U.S.Mint because it was the only job close by

I didn't have a car, it was just the only thing that made cents at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv6t05/i_worked_at_the_usmint_because_it_was_the_only/
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Yo' mama is so stupid...

She thinks Salmonella is a Disney fish princess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv6snj/yo_mama_is_so_stupid/
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I recently bought chainsaw resistant clothes...

They were really expensive but hey at least they didn’t cost an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv6s3a/i_recently_bought_chainsaw_resistant_clothes/
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I want to weigh the pros and cons of becoming a veterinarian,

On one hand you get bitten a lot
And on the other hand you get bitten less.
This is my first joke submission, I do like a good groaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv6q60/i_want_to_weigh_the_pros_and_cons_of_becoming_a/
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What do you call a bug at night?

A lunatic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv6lx1/what_do_you_call_a_bug_at_night/
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Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the  impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other  about it.
Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
"Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"Now what do I do?" he asks.
His  father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of  your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv6kar/young_virgin_couple/
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An orange was having an affair with a lemon, her husband the grapefruit barged in...

things just got juicier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv6f0h/an_orange_was_having_an_affair_with_a_lemon_her/
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Japan had the greatest gender reveal party

It was a little boy,
The party was a real blast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv69g3/japan_had_the_greatest_gender_reveal_party/
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What’s the common point between a man and a male praying mantis?

No head after marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv66w4/whats_the_common_point_between_a_man_and_a_male/
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A guy was walking to a bar

and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.
He untied her and they had sex.
Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the positions they fucked in.
Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies
"I couldn't find it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv61ol/a_guy_was_walking_to_a_bar/
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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.
They argue, Russia tells Austria to back off, Germany says the same to Russia, and France says the same to Germany. They all knew each other, and didn't particularly like each other. This only made it worse.
They all stare each other down, and the suspense gets thick enough to cut with a knife.
It beaks when Austia punches Serbia. He falls unconscious.
Germany charges France, accidentally stepping on Belgium. His big brother, Britain, rushes to France's aid. Russia charges Gremany.
Turkey, Australia, Italy and others rush in. Japan gives Britain a thumbs up. America akeardly sips his Bud Light.
Germany throes France through a window, but he gets up. Russia suffers the same, and suffers a personality change.
Out of nowhere, Itlay throws a punch at Austria and misses. Austria falls any way, and later suffers an amputation.
America guesses he should do something, puts down his drink and slowly walks to the other side of the room.
Turkey accidentally trips over Britain's foot and also suffers an amputation.
Britain is choking Germany's throat while France is punching him. Before Germany passes out, America hits him over the head with a barstool. He runs around the room, saying he won by himself.
The three run through Germany's pockets and buy drinks for everyone.
Except Japan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv60wj/ww1_as_a_bar_fight/
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My sister bet me $15 I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv5pl2/my_sister_bet_me_15_i_couldnt_make_a_car_out_of/
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A programmer calls the library

- Hello! Can I talk to Kate?
- She is in Archives.
- Could you please extract her. I need her urgently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv5owo/a_programmer_calls_the_library/
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Have you met Post Malone's introvert brother?

Leave M'Alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv5l3m/have_you_met_post_malones_introvert_brother/
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What's your name

Dude 1: Hey, my name is John Jacob Jinglehimer schmidt, what's your name?
Dude 2: Ok, look, you're not gonna believe this...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv5kvb/whats_your_name/
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I went pillow shopping the other day but I left angry [OC]

The salesman wouldn’t stop talking down to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv5hwu/i_went_pillow_shopping_the_other_day_but_i_left/
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I met a woman once, she was able to light up the room when she walked in. When our eyes met...

She screamed and called the cops. I was later charged with breaking an entering and attempted burglary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv5c8w/i_met_a_woman_once_she_was_able_to_light_up_the/
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I've lost 20% of my couch...

Ouch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv59qu/ive_lost_20_of_my_couch/
%
"It's a boy!" he shouted. "It's a BOY! I still can't believe it!"

And he swore to never go back to Thailand again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv58n1/its_a_boy_he_shouted_its_a_boy_i_still_cant/
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A journalist once asked Freddie Mercury what he wanted.

The question was: "you say you want to break free, you want to ride your bicycle, you want to make a supersonic man out of me... What do you want at the end?"
He answered : "I want it all and I want it now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv55rc/a_journalist_once_asked_freddie_mercury_what_he/
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I hate people with superiority complexes...

I’m just so much better than them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv51j4/i_hate_people_with_superiority_complexes/
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How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just keep telling you how good the old one was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv4smy/how_many_boomers_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What's a neighborhood of chickens called?

A cockblock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv4jo5/whats_a_neighborhood_of_chickens_called/
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Did you hear that Goop's new line of hair care products made from guano turned out to be fake?

It was *sham*poo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv400w/did_you_hear_that_goops_new_line_of_hair_care/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. As the fourth one is about to order the bartender stops them, pours two beers and says “you folks should know your limits.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv3u89/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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My girlfriend said I need to stop eating frozen poultry for every meal or she was leaving me.

I said, "I'll try but I don't think I can quit cold turkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv3gwk/my_girlfriend_said_i_need_to_stop_eating_frozen/
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A rich guy is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through his head?

The helicopter blade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv3gmc/a_rich_guy_is_flying_on_his_helicopter_when/
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Can February March?

No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv3ggl/can_february_march/
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If there's one thing that makes me throw up

It's a dart board on a ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv3g0l/if_theres_one_thing_that_makes_me_throw_up/
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My dad told me there are no monstrous figures who are good at math...

Unless you Count Dracula.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv3fhd/my_dad_told_me_there_are_no_monstrous_figures_who/
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A man goes to the doctor and receives a dire diagnosis: you’ll definitely die from this. I’m estimating you should still have around 5

“Five what doctor? Five years? Months? Days???”
4...3...2...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv3awh/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_receives_a_dire/
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all of his uncles were ants.
(Credit to my nine year old son)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv3a8r/why_was_the_ant_so_confused/
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A policeman pulls over an old man in a pickup truck

because the bed of his truck is full of ducks. The officer says, “Sir, it is unacceptable to have this flock of ducks downtown, take them to the Zoo this instant!”
The old man confirms that he will and drives off. The next day the officer sees the same man in the same truck still full of ducks. Only this time all the ducks are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls him over again and yells, “I told you to take these ducks to the Zoo!”
The old man replies, “I did! But now the little buggers want to go to the beach!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv39sf/a_policeman_pulls_over_an_old_man_in_a_pickup/
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What’s brown, round, and if you give it a map it’ll still get lost?

Dora the Explorer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv377h/whats_brown_round_and_if_you_give_it_a_map_itll/
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I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool…

Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv35gl/i_once_saw_a_carpenter_throw_a_long_pointed_tool/
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What did the tampons say to each other?

Nothing, they were all stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv32t9/what_did_the_tampons_say_to_each_other/
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I just got cheated on by a tennis player

I guess my love meant nothing to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv2qrx/i_just_got_cheated_on_by_a_tennis_player/
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I'm not racist,

I dont care if youre black, yellow or normal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv2k8f/im_not_racist/
%
A man goes to the doctor..

And the doctor tells him "I have bad news. You have cancer and Alzheimers."
The man says "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv2jgr/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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They said my car was unsafe and I should stop driving it immediately.

Then again, bad brakes have never stopped me before....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv2huv/they_said_my_car_was_unsafe_and_i_should_stop/
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The ghost of my great-grandfather advises me on what size of clothes to buy.

I'm a medium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv25z5/the_ghost_of_my_greatgrandfather_advises_me_on/
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I wanted to tell a joke about soup kitchens.

But it was in poor taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv23by/i_wanted_to_tell_a_joke_about_soup_kitchens/
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Why dont astronauts have to clean up after themselves?

Cause space is a vaccum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv2193/why_dont_astronauts_have_to_clean_up_after/
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Two hillbillies are walking through the woods...

They come across a pile of dog shit. One of them says to the other, "I think that's dog shit."
"Does it smell like dog shit?" Asks the second.
The first bends down to smell it, "Yes."
"Does it feel like dog shit?"
The one picks up a piece and sure enough it feels like shit and he nods.
"How about does it taste like dog shit?"
The first takes a lick. "Yeah, it's dog shit."
The second hillbilly breathes a sigh of relief, "I'm so glad we didn't step in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv1zv1/two_hillbillies_are_walking_through_the_woods/
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I became a chef after I left the army.

Some would say I am a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv1yud/i_became_a_chef_after_i_left_the_army/
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Some say I have the heart of a lion

Others say I’m banned from that zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv1xqj/some_say_i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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Here’s one for ya

Three guys go and explore a jungle. They get captured by a clan of cannibals. The cannibals tell them to go into the jungle and pick 5 of the same fruit and bring it back.
The first guy comes back with 5 coconuts. The cannibals tell him that if he can get all five up his butt without making any faces or noises they will let him go. He gets to the second coconut before he winces. So the cannibals kill and eat him.
The second guy comes back with 5 berries and the cannibals give him the same offer. Just as they get to the 5th berry he busts up laughing, so they kill him too.
The first guy confronts the second guy in heaven. “Why did you laugh? You were almost free!” The second guy is still laughing when he says “I know, but then I saw the last guy come out with some pineapples”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv1pi2/heres_one_for_ya/
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Stewardess: Would you like some headphones?

Man: How did you know my name was phones?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv18pq/stewardess_would_you_like_some_headphones/
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I saw a fly fly into a window today

All it felt was pane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv1364/i_saw_a_fly_fly_into_a_window_today/
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(Nsfw) I almost had a threesome last night,

I just needed two more people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv10c7/nsfw_i_almost_had_a_threesome_last_night/
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I was wondering what my parents did before the internet came around.

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv0zer/i_was_wondering_what_my_parents_did_before_the/
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Gay Poker...

A new card game. Where Queens are wild and straights don't count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv0r82/gay_poker/
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Two antennas got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv0o8l/two_antennas_got_married/
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Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv0hik/why_is_girlfriend_one_word_but_best_friend_is_two/
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What is the new party drug in Mexico called?

Guacamolly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dv09po/what_is_the_new_party_drug_in_mexico_called/
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Man goes to the doctor with some lettuce growing out of his nose.

Doctor says "is it painful?"
"Painful? That's just the tip of the iceberg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duzz6p/man_goes_to_the_doctor_with_some_lettuce_growing/
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My wife hates it.

When I introduce her as my ex-girl friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duzov7/my_wife_hates_it/
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Saw a bumper sticker that said: “who farted?”

About two cars later I saw another bumper sticker that said “Jesus is the answer “ I’ll take highway jeopardy for 500 Alex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duzkox/saw_a_bumper_sticker_that_said_who_farted/
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Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duzjpo/thought_i_won_an_argument_with_my_wife_about_how/
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I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world. T

The front page is now over 95% recycled content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duz6am/im_pleased_to_announce_reddit_has_achieved_its/
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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duz5bm/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
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A little girl stands before a judge at her custody hearing

The judge asks "would you like to live with your mom?"
The little girl, horrified, shakes her head and says, "No! My mom beats me. I never want to live with her!"
The judge, taken aback a bit, says, "We can give custody to your father, and you can live with him."
"No!" The little girl cries. "He beats me, too. I can't live with him."
The judge shakes his head sadly. "Little girl," he asks, "who do you want to live with?"
She paused to consider. "Can you let me live with the Dallas Cowboys? They never seem to beat anybody!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duyznp/a_little_girl_stands_before_a_judge_at_her/
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Where do you find a paraplegic?

Where you left him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duytxh/where_do_you_find_a_paraplegic/
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The tattoo parlour in my town is offering free tattoos to anyone willing to flash their boobs.

It’s a tit for tat offer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duyjt5/the_tattoo_parlour_in_my_town_is_offering_free/
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In Toronto it's snowing so hard right now that it's become pro-China ...

In other words, its a Blizzard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duyg7e/in_toronto_its_snowing_so_hard_right_now_that_its/
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What kind of dreams do hydro electricians have?

Wet dreams.
Shocking, isn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duy17l/what_kind_of_dreams_do_hydro_electricians_have/
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Most people claim they support recycling,

But they sure get mad when someone reposts a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duxtgo/most_people_claim_they_support_recycling/
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My family owns a business making safety mats.

Personally I see myself selling mirrors, but it’s something to fall back on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duxf8q/my_family_owns_a_business_making_safety_mats/
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Her (On Tinder): I'm a model on Instagram! What do you do?

Him:  I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duxa4b/her_on_tinder_im_a_model_on_instagram_what_do_you/
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Can someone describe what this new film "Ford v Ferrari" is about, please?

In Le Mans terms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dux9eu/can_someone_describe_what_this_new_film_ford_v/
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I keep telling actors to ‘break a leg’.

I do it because they’re part of a cast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dux2eg/i_keep_telling_actors_to_break_a_leg/
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Wa ge

It’s the wage gap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dux20r/wa_ge/
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Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duww2c/teacher_im_your_sons_teacher_and_im_calling_to/
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Her: What do you do?

Me: I'm into Stocks and Bonds.
Her: Wow, do you have a lot of clients?
Me: They prefer to be called Subs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duwi8y/her_what_do_you_do/
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A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"
The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.
The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"
The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink.
The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."
The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duwh5g/a_koala_was_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint/
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A desperate alcoholic drinks varnish...

Sadly, he comes to a terrible end..... but a beautiful finish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duw30s/a_desperate_alcoholic_drinks_varnish/
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Wife gets home, completely breathless

Husband asks what's wrong. To which she says "I saved 3 euros because I missed the bus and ran after it till I got home." The husband somewhat confused says "you could've saved 40 euros if you ran after a taxi."
Have a good night everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duvxm1/wife_gets_home_completely_breathless/
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It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duvwcr/its_kind_of_silly_were_trying_turning_plants_into/
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Going through my son's internet history...I'm very worried.

"why am I ugly"
"Lesbian kiss"
"69 porn"
"naked woman south american"
"cream pie with milf"
"best breed of cat to buy"
"how to make out with a woman"
Oh man, I don't want a cat in my home....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duvvl3/going_through_my_sons_internet_historyim_very/
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I’m surrounded by yes men

We all agree I’m a fucking idiot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duvmld/im_surrounded_by_yes_men/
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Most people claim they support recycling...

But you should see their faces when I rinse out the condom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duvh30/most_people_claim_they_support_recycling/
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Violence is not the answer

Violence is the question
The answer is yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duvejz/violence_is_not_the_answer/
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How do you know if you’re at a gay barbecue?

The hotdogs taste like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duvdu4/how_do_you_know_if_youre_at_a_gay_barbecue/
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There’s a painting in a museum

of 3 naked black men sitting on a bench, but the man in the middle has a pink penis. The artist behind the painting is unknown, and no one really knows why the man in the middle has a pink penis. The curator has a story about how pink represents equality at birth, however the true reason was unknown. One day there was a couple touring the museum, and they spent quite a bit of time evaluating this painting. While discussing the painting amongst themselves, a man in a trench coat approaches them as asks “would you like to know the real reason that man has a pink penis?”. The couple asked how he could know, even the curators didn’t have the exact reason. He then told them that He was the one that had painted it. They asked what it meant, and he told them. The truth is, these gentleman aren’t even black, they’re Irish coal miners. The one in the middle just went home for lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duv9e5/theres_a_painting_in_a_museum/
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How do you think the unthinkable

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duv27v/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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A man is in court

(Long but worth it)
Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you better give us a plausible reason."
Man: Well it happened like this. We live in this apartment complex and the property manager lives in the first floor with his family. The kids all have a growth deficiency.
So one day, my wife comes up and says: Those little kids, they look like pyrenees.
So I say: You mean pygmy.
"No", says my wife. Pygmy is what you have under your skin, it causes freckles.
"That's pigment", I say.
So she says "No, pigment is what the ancient Romans were writing on."
I sigh and say: "No, that's parchment!".
"No", says she, "parchment is an unfinished sentence".
"Your honor, you can imagine, I swallowed the 'fragment', I got back to my armchair and my newspaper. But then suddenly she's back with a book, and she says:
I should know, I got a legionnaire for my french lessons.
I say: "You mean a lector".
"No", says my wife, "Lector was an ancient Greek hero."
I say: "That was Hector, and he was a Trojan."
"Nope", says she, "Hector is a measure of area."
"That'd be hectare"
"No! Hectare is the drink of the gods!"
"That'd be nectar".
"No", says she, "the Nectar is a river in southern Germany."
So I say: "That's the Neckar."
She says: "No, I must know, there's even a song about it. I recently sung it in a duo with my friend"
I say: "It's a duet"
She replies, "No, that's when two men are fighting with a saber."
"That's a duel", I say.
"No, a duel is where a railway goes through a mountain!"
Well, your honor, so I took a hammer and beat her to death...
There was a long silence, shocked faces.
Finally the judge says: Not guilty. I would have killed her at "Hector".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duuyw3/a_man_is_in_court/
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I got called off from my appointment today.

I'm disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duuwzi/i_got_called_off_from_my_appointment_today/
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My wife told me to do some light reading at the end of a long day. It was horrible, and now my eyes hurt.

The only thing I was able to make out was "60 watts - made in China"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duuwxw/my_wife_told_me_to_do_some_light_reading_at_the/
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I keep hearing music coming from the printer.

I think the paper is jamming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duur93/i_keep_hearing_music_coming_from_the_printer/
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What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?

They both get stoned after sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duumux/whats_the_similarity_between_a_woman_living_in/
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Why don't chickens wear pants?

Because their peckers are on their head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duuibr/why_dont_chickens_wear_pants/
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I’m beginning to realize that my dermatological issues run deeper than I initially thought

Until now I was just scratching the surface

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duuep9/im_beginning_to_realize_that_my_dermatological/
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Women call me ugly untill they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duubty/women_call_me_ugly_untill_they_find_out_how_much/
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My friend lost his job at the keyboard factory.

He wasn’t putting enough shifts in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duu983/my_friend_lost_his_job_at_the_keyboard_factory/
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My son told me...

Friend: Hey what's going on i can see through you
Me: My son told me he was transgender
Friend: So...?
Me: Well that makes me transPARENT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duu7bw/my_son_told_me/
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Fun fact: Alligators can live up to 100 years

Which increases the likelihood they’ll see you later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duu6zx/fun_fact_alligators_can_live_up_to_100_years/
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What does walter white order at a mexican restraunt?

Rice n' beans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duu00q/what_does_walter_white_order_at_a_mexican/
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I herd that a bunch of cows were fed laxatives by mistake.

Turns out it was a big load of bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dutzu6/i_herd_that_a_bunch_of_cows_were_fed_laxatives_by/
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Knock knock

Whos there?
Drew
Drew who?
Drew peacock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dutuzu/knock_knock/
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A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack.

The first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.
"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.
"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."
Two minutes later he was back at the managers office, "Tree's cut. Do I get the job?"
"I don't beleive it, that is so much faster than even my best lumberjack could have done it. Where did you learn to use an axe like that?" the manager inquired.
"Sahara Forest," the little guy replied.
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert," the manager corrected him.
"Sure, that's what they call it now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dutuis/a_canadian_logging_company_needed_to_hire_another/
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I finally quit the job I hated and have decided to do what I love

Cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dutqmj/i_finally_quit_the_job_i_hated_and_have_decided/
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Have you heard of Jared Fogle?

He had a mild cholesterol problem which turned into a child molesterol problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dutkt6/have_you_heard_of_jared_fogle/
%
I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dutk6p/im_making_a_list_of_the_worst_places_to_get/
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There are 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench.

A man in a trench-coat walks by and flashes them.
2 of the old ladies have a stroke.
The other one couldn't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dutjf3/there_are_3_old_ladies_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
I arranged a threesome on the weekend.

Had two no shows, but I still had fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dutivv/i_arranged_a_threesome_on_the_weekend/
%
My wife left me the other day.

Said I didn't listen to her. Or something like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dutids/my_wife_left_me_the_other_day/
%
Kid v. Barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dut9yj/kid_v_barber/
%
Doctor “What seems to be the problem?”

“I’m not growing any taller” :(
Doctor “You just need to be a little patient”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dut5l0/doctor_what_seems_to_be_the_problem/
%
A redditor is searching for the funniest joke of all time, so he subscribes to r/jokes.

After a short while, and a few small chuckles, he realises he's reading the same shit over and over again, post after post.
"I'm never going to find a real joke", he thinks.
He sighs and tilts his head in dismay. Looking down he starts to read the thread and it hits him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dut3v0/a_redditor_is_searching_for_the_funniest_joke_of/
%
Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: No, why would I pick you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dusl1f/me_dad_am_i_adopted/
%
A Catholic priest, a Protestant preacher and a rabbi see a kid walking down the road.

The preaches says "Hey, look at the cute little kid!"
The priest says "Let's fuck him!"
The rabbi, confused, says "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dusk8k/a_catholic_priest_a_protestant_preacher_and_a/
%
Mother's are the best

I have always been extremely cared for by my mother. She would do so much for me like bathing me, feeding me, buying me stuff, supporting me. Honestly if I didnt have a mother I would want to just die. That's why I make it my mission to speak to people on how great their mothers are to raise awareness.
On an unrelated note I am banned from the local orphanages for undisclosed reasons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dusef8/mothers_are_the_best/
%
What do wounded alligators drink?

Gatorade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dusbfs/what_do_wounded_alligators_drink/
%
How do you tell which clan a Scotsman is from?

Peek up his kilt. If he's got a quarter-pounder, he's a McDonald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dusbbl/how_do_you_tell_which_clan_a_scotsman_is_from/
%
Why do Scots wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from miles away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dus7g3/why_do_scots_wear_kilts/
%
If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dus4ix/if_your_phone_auto_corrects_fuck_to_duck_its_okay/
%
Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up he let's a loud and horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.
This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey guts, runs up stairs, pulls the covers and off slowly and puts the turkey guts in his underwear.
She heads back down stairs and finishes the turkey. An hour later she hears the husband's earth shattering fart and then a scream. About 15 mins goes by before he comes down the stairs.
"Honey you were right! I didn't think it could happen but today I woke up and farted my guys out. Luckily by the grace of God and these two fingers I was able to get them all back in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dus2q0/every_morning_when_this_womans_husband_wakes_up/
%
Knock knock, “Who’s there?” Europe. “Europe who?”

Euro-piece of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dus128/knock_knock_whos_there_europe_europe_who/
%
Did you know that it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/durwmd/did_you_know_that_its_illegal_to_water_your/
%
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He would come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He would come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/durv1b/a_couple_was_on_their_honeymoon_lying_in_bed/
%
What are the only jokes people in wheelchairs don’t like?

Running jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/durtwr/what_are_the_only_jokes_people_in_wheelchairs/
%
Doctor, can I take a bath with diarrhea?

- Well, if you have enough...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duroxw/doctor_can_i_take_a_bath_with_diarrhea/
%
(NSFW) How does the porn industry battle incest?

Step by step

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/durk0y/nsfw_how_does_the_porn_industry_battle_incest/
%
Why can't cats work on the computer?

They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duriuc/why_cant_cats_work_on_the_computer/
%
I once had a small part in a porn movie.

It was cold that day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/durdbe/i_once_had_a_small_part_in_a_porn_movie/
%
With great power comes great ...

use of utilities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/durcc5/with_great_power_comes_great/
%
What did the thief say when he took a Redditors wallet?

Wow, such empty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dur8xg/what_did_the_thief_say_when_he_took_a_redditors/
%
I just donated £50 to an LGBT group.

I really hope it helps them find a cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dur6h2/i_just_donated_50_to_an_lgbt_group/
%
I saw a kid being beaten up by 2 other kids so I decided to help

No way that little brat can resist the three of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dur1kr/i_saw_a_kid_being_beaten_up_by_2_other_kids_so_i/
%
3 people applying for a job at the CIA to be a spy

They were each handed an envelope which says DO NOT OPEN. And were given an instruction to go to the elevator and proceed to the 7th floor
The first and second applicant followed the instruction.
The 3rd applicant headed to the elevator, and when the elevator door closes, his curiosity got the better of him, so he opened the envelope carefully. Inside was a note that reads " Congratulations! You're hired, please proceed to the 20th floor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duqwmp/3_people_applying_for_a_job_at_the_cia_to_be_a_spy/
%
Students of kindergarten teachers are getting fatter and fatter

Their pupils are dilating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duqtuu/students_of_kindergarten_teachers_are_getting/
%
A couple had their 1st child, and when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin.

The couple panicked and brought the child to a hospital.
Then after 2 years they had their 2nd child.  And when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin. The couple just gave him a laxative.
Then they had their 3rd child,  And when he turned 5, The 3rd child swallowed a coin.
Couple: That's gonna come out of your allowance!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duqtd8/a_couple_had_their_1st_child_and_when_he_turned_5/
%
I asked my North Korean friend what was it like living there.

He said: he couldnt complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duqrzk/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_what_was_it_like/
%
I saw 4 guys robbing some old lady and I intervened

It was not worth it, she only had $20

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duqpz4/i_saw_4_guys_robbing_some_old_lady_and_i/
%
Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duqmkr/her_what_do_you_do/
%
What's the biggest threat to young gay deaf people?

Hearing Aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duqg8z/whats_the_biggest_threat_to_young_gay_deaf_people/
%
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duqbry/a_police_officer_jumps_into_his_squad_car_and/
%
What do brexit and an open relationship have in common?

They want all the benefits without the responsibilities.
Credit: a british comedian's ex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duq7wy/what_do_brexit_and_an_open_relationship_have_in/
%
What do John Wick and Eminem have in common?

They kill people using a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duq5nj/what_do_john_wick_and_eminem_have_in_common/
%
My coworker told me she should become a gynaecologist

Because she’s experienced in working with cunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dupyu6/my_coworker_told_me_she_should_become_a/
%
Did you hear about the hairdresser that had cancer?

She dyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dupo78/did_you_hear_about_the_hairdresser_that_had_cancer/
%
A bartender walks into a bar

He shoots a man named Bart multiple times in the chest and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dupn3i/a_bartender_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did the necrophile do when he met a hot chick?

He took her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dupmqn/what_did_the_necrophile_do_when_he_met_a_hot_chick/
%
The Ugly Girl

Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the other one was beautiful. Akpos walked straight to the ugly girl.
**Akpos:** Hello!
**Ugly girl:** Hi!!
**Akpos:** Wanna dance?
**Ugly Girl:** Yes (excited)
**Akpos:** OK, Go and dance, I wanna talk to your friend.
**Note:** *The name "Akpos" is a generic name used in Nigerian jokes (similar to how Americans would use Chuck Norris)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dupeeg/the_ugly_girl/
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If you are driving a "Tesla" And it gets stolen, Now it is called an "Edison"

Treelon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dup3z0/if_you_are_driving_a_tesla_and_it_gets_stolen_now/
%
If the Americans change from pounds to kilograms overnight,

there will be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duovbt/if_the_americans_change_from_pounds_to_kilograms/
%
What's the tastiest unit of measurement?

Milimeter (mm)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duorgg/whats_the_tastiest_unit_of_measurement/
%
TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duokji/til_that_fanta_was_created_during_wwii_when_coke/
%
So I said to Schrodinger,

Think outside the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duof8m/so_i_said_to_schrodinger/
%
I put my car in reverse today

It took me back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duo9n0/i_put_my_car_in_reverse_today/
%
The children were lined up in the cafeteria at a Catholic elementary school for lunch...

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only one.God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line,at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duo8w7/the_children_were_lined_up_in_the_cafeteria_at_a/
%
There was a plane crash and every single person died

All the married couples  survived

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duo7bq/there_was_a_plane_crash_and_every_single_person/
%
(NSFW) A Catholic priest is walking down an alleyway when a man comes up to him.

"Pictures of little boys?"
"Go away," the priest responded angrily, "I am a Man of God."
"Come on, pictures of little boys?"
"Go away and repent sinner", the priest replied, "I will have none of it!"
"Come on father, pictures of little boys?"
"Alright fine, how many do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duo692/nsfw_a_catholic_priest_is_walking_down_an/
%
Superheroes

You know I don't like this PC movement that wants to include every minority possible. It's like having a half black half hispanic transgender asexual wonder woman that's also a reptile. I'd call her the mexican black TAR heroine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duo590/superheroes/
%
A man with a drinking problem finishes his night out at a bar

He takes a few steps and falls flat on his face.  He gets up.
He takes a few more steps and again falls flat on his face.
He walks all the way home like this, continuously falling down and getting back up, and finally gets into his bed.
The next morning his wife wakes him up exclaiming that he needs to deal with his drinking problem.
The husband replies that he didn't even drink that much last night.  He can remember everything from the night before.
His wife responds by saying, "the bar called, you left your wheelchair at the counter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dunxy2/a_man_with_a_drinking_problem_finishes_his_night/
%
Old McDonald's had tourettes...

... E-I-E-I-Cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dunkrk/old_mcdonalds_had_tourettes/
%
A captain of a ship was retiring after 40 years in the business.

He had some good voyages, and some bad, but it was finally time to sail one last time. Before each trip, the captain would open a small leather book, read a certain page, close the book and board the ship for the voyage. Only he knew what the leather book said. Not even his first mate knew what the passage was that he read.
The captain had already boarded the ship after reading the book. Taking note where the captain stored it, the first mate told another crewman "We really need to find out what that book says. Tonight, you will distract him, I'll grab the book, and we'll find out what the captain reads before each trip." The crewman agreed, and both waited for nightfall.
At last, the time had come to steal the leather book. Everything went according to plan, and both the first mate and the crewman were hidden in a remote part of the ship, ready to read the words of wisdom the elderly captain examined before each trip. They opened the book. It was empty, except for one page, which read:
"Remember, starboard is right, and port is left."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dunihr/a_captain_of_a_ship_was_retiring_after_40_years/
%
The human male ejaculate contains about 1500TB of information

Thats why I masturbate before an exam. I need to free up space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dunhzx/the_human_male_ejaculate_contains_about_1500tb_of/
%
My son is so ungrateful

I bought him a trampoline for his birthday, and all he did was sit in his wheel chair and cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dunhme/my_son_is_so_ungrateful/
%
Why was Ivan Pavlov's hair so soft?

because he conditioned it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dunbpp/why_was_ivan_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
%
What do you call a bird with a sinus infection?

A phlegmingo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dun87g/what_do_you_call_a_bird_with_a_sinus_infection/
%
Your mom has one eye and one leg

We call her Eye Hop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dun533/your_mom_has_one_eye_and_one_leg/
%
Why should we make shoelaces out of earphone/headphones wires?

Cause they would tie themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dun0i2/why_should_we_make_shoelaces_out_of/
%
I was gonna tell a gay joke

Butt fuck it I won't, I might offend someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dumzby/i_was_gonna_tell_a_gay_joke/
%
My girlfriend and I broke up bc I couldn’t handle that she likes her sex like she likes her burgers....

5 Guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dumyzq/my_girlfriend_and_i_broke_up_bc_i_couldnt_handle/
%
If I had a million dollars, I'd donate a quarter of it to charity.

I can still do a lot with $999,999.75

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dumyw2/if_i_had_a_million_dollars_id_donate_a_quarter_of/
%
At night, I had wondered what happened to the sun.

Then in the morning, it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dumm02/at_night_i_had_wondered_what_happened_to_the_sun/
%
A husband goes to an ENT doctor, fed up with his wife's hearing problem.

Husband: Doctor, I am frustrated with my wife's hearing or lack there of. It feels like I am talking to myself all the time. Please help.
Doctor: Where is your wife?
Husband: I called her many times, she didn't respond. I angrily left my home to meet you.
Doctor: Since she is not here, I can't accurately diagnose her. Do this and come back to me with your findings. Stand about 50 feet away from her and see if she can hear. If she can't, move forward and keep doing that until you are about 10 feet away from her. Come back and tell me at what distance she could hear. I will solve your problem.
Husband, now feeling confident, goes back home. He stands about 50 feet away from wife and goes -
Husband: What's cooking?
Wife: ....
Husband: Moves to about 40 feet; What's cooking?
Wife: ...
Husband: (keeps inching forward until he is about 5 feet from her) What's cooking?
Wife: For the FIFTH FUCKIN TIME, haven't decided yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dumlls/a_husband_goes_to_an_ent_doctor_fed_up_with_his/
%
What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dumiuw/what_did_the_terrorist_do_when_his_kidneys_failed/
%
A Black guy, a Mexican guy, a White guy, and an Asian guy walk into a bar.

They sit down and have a drink because we live in a more tolerant age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dumc6a/a_black_guy_a_mexican_guy_a_white_guy_and_an/
%
I got my wife a refrigerator for Christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dum7ai/i_got_my_wife_a_refrigerator_for_christmas/
%
Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says...

is anything okay?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dum5xu/three_jewish_women_are_eating_lunch_the_waiter/
%
So one guy say to the other guy "hey dude, do you want a pamphlet?"

The other guy says "brochure"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dum1aw/so_one_guy_say_to_the_other_guy_hey_dude_do_you/
%
Why do bald people cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their fingers through their hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dulm0n/why_do_bald_people_cut_holes_in_their_pockets/
%
11 was a racehorse

22 was 12
111 race
22112
(Say each digit individually)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duljzq/11_was_a_racehorse/
%
I friend of mine bought some shoes from a drug dealer today, and I don't know what dealer laced them with.

Because my friend was tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dulf19/i_friend_of_mine_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug/
%
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you ?"

"Pop" goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dul2bs/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_says_wow/
%
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?"
The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dukumt/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dukuk6/my_wife_is_really_mad_at_the_fact_that_i_have_no/
%
I don't like people that take drugs.

Airport security, for example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duktpl/i_dont_like_people_that_take_drugs/
%
An Italian, French, and Polish man are sentenced to death by guillotine...

The Italian is first and goes up to the executioner. The executioner drops the blade which stops an 16th of an inch from his neck. But he doesn’t flinch, so then the king says, “you’re a brave man go out and be with your people.” It is the French man’s turn now. The executioner drops the blade, but it stops an 8th of an inch from his neck. He doesn’t flinch, so the king also says, “go be free, you have proved to be brave. But when it is the Polish man’s turn, he refuses. So the king asks why, and the Polish man replies with, “I’m not getting on that thing until you fix it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duks3u/an_italian_french_and_polish_man_are_sentenced_to/
%
Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dukn0s/did_you_hear_about_the_racist_chemist/
%
I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein proposed The Theory of Relativity.

Feels like only yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duklvv/i_cant_believe_its_been_more_than_100_years_since/
%
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their lives.

My question is why 1 in 5 enjoy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duklvq/studies_show_that_4_out_of_5_men_suffer_from/
%
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas

It was Motherfucking Gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dukhcq/nsfw_i_just_heard_a_joke_about_oedipus_and_midas/
%
Why can’t 2 caucasians make an Asian child?

Because two whites don’t make Wong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dukgoh/why_cant_2_caucasians_make_an_asian_child/
%
A vegan, a person on a gluten-free diet, and a person who does Crossfit walk I to a bar.

I only know about that because none of them would shut up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dukbdp/a_vegan_a_person_on_a_glutenfree_diet_and_a/
%
What do say when an older BMW cuts you off?

Ok Beemer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dukadt/what_do_say_when_an_older_bmw_cuts_you_off/
%
As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five...

But he just left him hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duk7p2/as_epstein_swayed_back_and_forth_coming_to_grips/
%
why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

it was the pot calling the cattle back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duk3g9/why_did_the_cows_return_to_the_marijuana_field/
%
Pick a star sign says the doctor

“Gemini”
“Come on” says doc “as if I’m about to tell you you have Gemini”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dujt1i/pick_a_star_sign_says_the_doctor/
%
A woman gives birth to a healthy baby boy...

The baby asked the doctor, "Are you my father?"
"No." Replies the doctor.
The baby asks another doctor, "Are you my father?"
"Sure ain't." Replies the second doctor.
The baby asks his older brother, "Are you my father?"
"Not at all." Replies the brother.
Finally, the baby asks one more person, "Are you my father?"
The man replies, "Yes, I am your father little guy."
The baby then starts poking at his father's head aggresively.
"How do you like it ?!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dujkvl/a_woman_gives_birth_to_a_healthy_baby_boy/
%
Over 2,000 children go missing every day.

You'd think some of them got the hint the first time round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dujjv0/over_2000_children_go_missing_every_day/
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A Russian man, an Italian man, and a Jewish man all move into town.

They all want to start their own business, so each of them goes to the richest man in town and asks for a loan.
The Russian man asks, "I want to start my own business here, and I need a loan of $20,000". The rich man replies, "You can have the $20,000, but you must pay me back in a year." The Russian agrees, and promises the rich man to pay him back.
The Italian man and the Jewish man also go to the rich man, and as luck would have it, also both get a $20,000 loan, promising to pay it back within a year.
Six months later, the rich man dies. He is laid out in a golden casket wearing a silk suit. All three men attend the funeral.
The Russian man stands near the casket and says "I know you can't use this money in heaven, but I'm a man of my word." He puts $20,000 in cash straight into the man's pocket.
The Italian man stands near the casket and says "You helped me start my business, and as I am a man of my word, I must repay you." He also puts $20,000 in cash straight into the man's pocket.
The Jewish man stands near the casket and says "I am very grateful for your loan. As I am a man of my word, I will pay you back the $20,000 you loaned me."
He writes a check for $60,000, places it in the rich man's pocket, and takes the $40,000 in cash out of his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duji6u/a_russian_man_an_italian_man_and_a_jewish_man_all/
%
What do you call a scientist who sometimes drinks, and sometimes doesn’t?

Schröedrinker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dujdfr/what_do_you_call_a_scientist_who_sometimes_drinks/
%
My penis is like the world

.
It's a small world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duj7ax/my_penis_is_like_the_world/
%
Johnny Five Dicks made a personalised condom

It fits like a glove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duj74z/johnny_five_dicks_made_a_personalised_condom/
%
According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duj16m/according_to_my_wife_im_a_terrible_dad_for_not/
%
Remember, if you sleep with a female veteran tomorrow,

Be sure to thank them for their cervix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duiysx/remember_if_you_sleep_with_a_female_veteran/
%
If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware?

Idaho, Alaska!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duism4/if_mississippi_wears_her_new_jersey_what_does/
%
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.

It's called *Prints of Persia*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duir9d/an_iranian_entrepreneur_opened_a_copy_shop/
%
An amazing fact is just like John F. Kennedy

Mind-blowing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duigyy/an_amazing_fact_is_just_like_john_f_kennedy/
%
A rabbi and a priest are in a burning building with a bunch of children

Rabbi: Let's get out of here
Priest: What about the kids?
Rabbi: Fuck the kids!
Priest: Do we have time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duibol/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_are_in_a_burning_building/
%
I love telling dad jokes.

He used to laugh at them before he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duhzvz/i_love_telling_dad_jokes/
%
Check my bags please!

So I checked in at the airport the other day and I said please check this bag to San Francisco and my second bag I would like to go to New York and I will be flying to Chicago today.
The representative behind the counter says, “I’m sorry but we can’t do that sir.”
I respond, “WTF that’s exactly what you did the last time I took this flight without me asking”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duhw3n/check_my_bags_please/
%
A man goes on a business trip to Japan

In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting:
##Hasimota! Hasimota!
Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few japanese businessmen on a golf course. One of the businessmen makes a shot and, surprisingly, scores a hole in one. Everyone applauds and the foreign man, wanting to sound clever, shouts:
##Hasimota!
The man who scored the shot turns to him and asks in confusion: "What do you mean 'Wrong hole!'?"
_Edit: My first silver! Thank you kind stranger!!_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duhut2/a_man_goes_on_a_business_trip_to_japan/
%
There was a sale going on at the soil shop today

Everything there was cheap as dirt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duhqkr/there_was_a_sale_going_on_at_the_soil_shop_today/
%
Knock knock

Person 1: Who's there?
Person 2:Doris
Person 1:Doris who?
Person 2:Doris locked, that's why I knocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duhoas/knock_knock/
%
My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duhlpy/my_kids_tell_me_that_they_want_a_cat_for_chrismas/
%
What did the dad say to his family after asking if anyone needed to go to the bathroom before they left on a trip?

“Speak now or forever hold your pees”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duhcta/what_did_the_dad_say_to_his_family_after_asking/
%
Do you want to hear the one about the prostitute?

Eh, probably not, it's whorible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duh61e/do_you_want_to_hear_the_one_about_the_prostitute/
%
I dated a woman who thought she was a lobster.

She was the most shellfish person I ever met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duh463/i_dated_a_woman_who_thought_she_was_a_lobster/
%
I asked my dad, "What do you think of time travel?"

He said, "A waste of time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duh24s/i_asked_my_dad_what_do_you_think_of_time_travel/
%
The fastest thing in existence.

Three friends, sitting around a table, enjoying a little time together over a couple of drinks.
At some point, one says:
"The fastest thing there is? Thought. Only takes a moment and there it is: an idea.''
"Nope. Electricity is the fastest thing there is; a flick of a switch and _bam!_ there it is."
''You're both wrong."
The third man muttered over the rim of his glass. His two friends were looking at him, expectingly, as he set back down his glass.
''What?''
''If it isn't thought, if it isn't electricity, then what is it?''
''Diarrhoea. The other night, I didn't had time to think nor turn on the light: I just crapped myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duh0ce/the_fastest_thing_in_existence/
%
Hearing aids can change your life...

...especially when your immunologist is completely sure about your std tests.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dugrcj/hearing_aids_can_change_your_life/
%
I tried road kill for the first time today.

It was nice but I've nowhere to hide his bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dugnty/i_tried_road_kill_for_the_first_time_today/
%
I haven't spoke to my wife in 7 years

I don't want to interrupt her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dughi8/i_havent_spoke_to_my_wife_in_7_years/
%
Irishman going to confession

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, naked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The Irishman replied,  “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duggb9/irishman_going_to_confession/
%
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dug9ss/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
Little Debbie went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No, they only want to look at your knickers.."

Debbie said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dug4me/little_debbie_went_home_from_school_and_told_her/
%
What would happen if the U.S switched to metric overnight?

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dug306/what_would_happen_if_the_us_switched_to_metric/
%
A male whale and a female whale

were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dug2xm/a_male_whale_and_a_female_whale/
%
I tried to explain to my kids why the ball comes back down when they throw it up

But they don't understand the gravity of the situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dufz5k/i_tried_to_explain_to_my_kids_why_the_ball_comes/
%
What do japanese ghosts say?

Buwu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dufvmd/what_do_japanese_ghosts_say/
%
I was at a party last night and got talking to a leading expert in the use of drugs in Sport.

He told me about a female Bulgarian athlete who had used so much steroids in the 70’s that she started to grow the beginnings of a penis.
“Anabolics?” I asked. “No” he said, “Just a penis”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dufuh8/i_was_at_a_party_last_night_and_got_talking_to_a/
%
A pirate walks into a bar.

His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dufsum/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Tarzan spent his whole life living in the jungle and had no idea what sex is.

One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child: "Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your rag and this thing you see between my legs is a washing machine... What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine."
The next 5 evenings Tarzan has been washing his rag uncontrollably.
When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him: "Tarzan, listen to me... You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break."
You need to wash it every three to four days.
Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on the machine.
One day Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?"
Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dufq0o/tarzan_spent_his_whole_life_living_in_the_jungle/
%
What do you call a ball during an earthquake

A Shakespeare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dufp6u/what_do_you_call_a_ball_during_an_earthquake/
%
What’s my blood doctors favourite motivational quote?

Be Positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dufp00/whats_my_blood_doctors_favourite_motivational/
%
What do you call a couple of homosexual lions?

Gay pride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dufoqr/what_do_you_call_a_couple_of_homosexual_lions/
%
As the holiday season rolls in, I just thought you guys should know the perfect gift for anyone is Cardi B

After all, it's the THOT that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dufmky/as_the_holiday_season_rolls_in_i_just_thought_you/
%
Why don't escaped convicts make good writers?

Because they never finish their sentences

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dufja2/why_dont_escaped_convicts_make_good_writers/
%
To survive is to procrastinate death,

but in the end there is always a deadline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dufccd/to_survive_is_to_procrastinate_death/
%
Whats a Christian Band's favorite chord?

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duf58c/whats_a_christian_bands_favorite_chord/
%
What's an ig?

An Eskimo house with no toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duf3tn/whats_an_ig/
%
A black man, mexican man and a redneck are walking down the beach one day when they stumble upon a magical lamp.

They rub it and a Genie pops out. "Thank you for freeing me from 1000 years inside! I will grant each of you ONE wish!"
The black man goes first : "I wish all black people could be returned to Africa to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many generations to come."
POOF. Your wish is granted.
The Mexican man goes next :"I wish all Mexican people could be returned to Mexico to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many generations to come."
POOF your wish is granted.
The redneck says "Wait..so all the blacks are in Africa...and all the Mexicans are in Mexico? And I'll never see them again?"
"Yes" says the genie.
"Ok. I guess I'll have a Diet Coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duezns/a_black_man_mexican_man_and_a_redneck_are_walking/
%
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?

First person shooter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dueyn8/what_do_you_call_the_first_person_to_kill_someone/
%
Wife just opened the car door for me..

..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duexxf/wife_just_opened_the_car_door_for_me/
%
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night....

Not happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duelmd/i_got_mugged_by_6_dwarves_last_night/
%
Girlfriend: "are you sure you don't have an std?"

Me: "I'm positive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duel4c/girlfriend_are_you_sure_you_dont_have_an_std/
%
I just lost my virginity

I wish i could post this on another sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duel16/i_just_lost_my_virginity/
%
An African delegation to Moscow was being treated to all aspects of Russian culture.

One of the secret service agents was telling an African how to play Russian roulette with a six-shooter handgun with only one bullet in the chamber.
“You put it to your head,” he said, “and pull the trigger.”
The African was not impressed. “African roulette is much more fearsome!” he said.
“Impossible!” exclaimed the Russian, “Please explain.”
“There are six naked women,” said the African, “and each one will give you a blowjob — you just choose any one.”
“That needs no courage,” sneered the Russian.
“Aha!” exclaimed the African. “But one of them is a cannibal!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duef3q/an_african_delegation_to_moscow_was_being_treated/
%
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

Nothing. You can't cross a scalar and a vector.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duedfe/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mountain_climber/
%
How do they call a tentacle porn in a Harry Potter universe?

Squidditch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duecq4/how_do_they_call_a_tentacle_porn_in_a_harry/
%
If Mark Twain were alive today, what would be his favorite chain restaurant?

Langhorne Steakhouse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/due4cn/if_mark_twain_were_alive_today_what_would_be_his/
%
If you're bi and you're single..

If you're bi and you're single, you're not bisexual
You're bi-yourself
Ba-dum-tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dudvdp/if_youre_bi_and_youre_single/
%
Cow Jokes

What do u call a cow with 4 legs? A cow
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri-tip
What do u call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Meat
What do you call a cow with 1 leg? Steak
What do u call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Right where you left it
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake
What do you call a cow with epilepsy?
Beef jerkey
What do you call a cow that doesn’t make milk?
Utterly useless
What do you call a cow drowning?
In utter disaster
(If you have more comment them below)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dudt2b/cow_jokes/
%
The other day I walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's d*ck.

I just find it weird that they didn't cremate it with the rest of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dudsu9/the_other_day_i_walked_in_on_my_grandmother/
%
People used to call me ugly in middle school, but things have changed

I'm not in middle school anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dudovy/people_used_to_call_me_ugly_in_middle_school_but/
%
A wife goes to her husband and says...

"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 - 300 in 2 seconds."
So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dudoss/a_wife_goes_to_her_husband_and_says/
%
What do you call a cow with epilepsy?

Beef Jerkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dudod3/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_epilepsy/
%
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

Hold onto your nuts, this is no ordinary blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dudiza/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_palm/
%
Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

He was two squared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dudgsi/why_didnt_4_ask_out_5/
%
What do you call a Israeli Man that works in the Beer making industry?

Hebrew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dudggc/what_do_you_call_a_israeli_man_that_works_in_the/
%
Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house.

It was delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dud6u2/diet_day_1_all_the_unhealthy_food_has_been/
%
Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ducxgm/did_you_know_the_whitetail_deer_can_jump_higher/
%
What does a cannibal get when he arrives late to dinner?

The cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ducqk2/what_does_a_cannibal_get_when_he_arrives_late_to/
%
Dad: “Hey son can you pass the dopted?”

Son: “What’s a dopted?”
Dad: “You’re adopted”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duchse/dad_hey_son_can_you_pass_the_dopted/
%
3D printers are printing guns?

That's nothing. I've had a canon printer for years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duchce/3d_printers_are_printing_guns/
%
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ducgy9/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_whos_afraid/
%
My wife asked me why I was whispering at home, I said that I was worried that Mark Zuckerberg was listening

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, Siri laughed... we all laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ducfmx/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_was_whispering_at_home_i/
%
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.

The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!"
The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!"
The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ducffw/a_russian_a_frenchman_and_an_englishman_are_in_an/
%
I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ducfaf/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy.
What!? are you sure honey? She nods.
The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??!
He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day?
I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ducf1f/dad_is_listening_to_his_daughter_say_her_prayers/
%
A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.

Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?”
To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!”
Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?”
To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!”
Cinderblock says to her mother, “hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ducdz2/a_woman_is_walking_home_with_her_three_daughters/
%
Why don't blind spanish people agree with anyone?

Because they can't Si

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ducbgx/why_dont_blind_spanish_people_agree_with_anyone/
%
How does a penguin build a house?

Igloos it together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duc2w9/how_does_a_penguin_build_a_house/
%
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dubxg5/i_used_to_date_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
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Have you ever tried having sex with a sphere?

Don't bother. It's fucking pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dubw82/have_you_ever_tried_having_sex_with_a_sphere/
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Shameless self-repost

An elf courier walked through a dense, mystical forest
Carrying a sealed message from his king with only a map to show where to deliver it to
&nbsp;
As he arrived at his destination, he could see movement in the huge, thousand-year old enchanted oak trees and decided to take a closer look
&nbsp;
Upon inspection, he discovered that they were treants! He realised that he had been sent to deliver a message to the kingdom of sentient trees,
&nbsp;
He stopped to ask them directions towards where he should hand in the letter, as he moved closer he realised they were working on a particularly strange looking tree with millions of tiny branches winding like coils.
&nbsp;
“Ahem,” he began, “I’m sorry to bother you but I have been sent to deliver a message to your king, where can I find him?”
&nbsp;
The two treants slowly turned around and looked upon him with suspicious eyes, however they soon relaxed as they realised the elf was alone and not armed.
&nbsp;
“We have no king, only the Great Elder, you can carry onwards west until you find the tall ebony arches which signifies the Royal Halls.” One treant said, speaking softly and well-mannered, before him and his friend turned back to work on the mysterious tree.
&nbsp;
Curious, the elf wished to learn more about what the treants were doing;
“What is it that you’re working on?” he asked,
&nbsp;
Yet again, the treants slowly turned around before stating;
“This is the communication tree, it has magic infused within which can allow us to speak with our kind through it’s many branches, it is our job to send messages and keep it well-maintained.”
&nbsp;
Satisfied, the elf thanked them for the information and carried on towards the Royal Halls.
&nbsp;
Upon arrival, he was ushered into the Great Elder’s chambers, where he was met with darkness and a great silence.
&nbsp;
Suddenly, a loud, booming voice echoed through the room;
“Who enters the Great Chamber?”
&nbsp;
The elf was rather spooked by the noise and slinked back before whimpering out the words “I am just a messenger from the elven kingdom,”
&nbsp;
Out of the corner of the room, a giant tree with grey bark and ritualistic carvings slowly stepped into the dim light.
&nbsp;
“I welcome you,” the treat said, a little more softly this time, “I apologise for any discomfort I may have caused you, for sometimes even I do not know the strength of my own voice.”
&nbsp;
The elf delivered the letter to the Elder and turned to leave, but was stopped by the Great Elder;
&nbsp;
“Wait, before you go, I wish to apologise for scaring you, it was not my intention. Please, allow me,”
&nbsp;
The treant gave the confused elf food and water before speaking again;
&nbsp;
“I wish to talk to you, I am over a thousand years old and I do not get much company aside from other treants who come here only to worship me. Please, I am somewhat lonely, will you stay and chat with me?”
&nbsp;
The elf didn’t want to refuse an offer from the Great Elder - that would be insulting to the whole treant kingdom! So, he accepted, and the two sat for hours chatting about their lives, the elven and treant homes, the differences between their races and how the letter the elf had just delivered was a peace offering between the two kingdoms.
&nbsp;
However, it was clear that the Elder had very poor social skills, as he sounded and looked uncomfortable and sometimes had nothing to say.
&nbsp;
To lighten the mood, the elf decided to tell a joke.
&nbsp;
He said, “Why did the boar cross the footpath?”
&nbsp;
After a few seconds of intense contemplation, the Elder replied “In order for the boar to cross the footpath, it would have had to have been close to the road, however they are skittish creatures and often do not wander into intelligent civilisation, so the probability of this occurrence would be so incredibly low that I have not considered it ever happening, and unfortunately I do not have an answer to this question.”
&nbsp;
The elf, dumbfounded, decided to carry on with the joke and say,
“To get to the other side!”
&nbsp;
The Great Elder thought for an even longer duration, before finally replying,
“Yes, I suppose that is a plausible reason for movement.”
&nbsp;
The elf then realised that the treant had never heard a joke in it’s life! He decided to then teach the Elder how to tell jokes. He explained, in detail, the intricacies of humour to the Elder, who quietly listened with intent.
&nbsp;
Finally, the elf said, “I have taught you all I know, now I wish to see if I have been successful in my mentoring, please tell me a joke,”
&nbsp;
The Elder steeled himself and thought precariously for 4 long minutes, the elf getting impatient, before finally beginning to speak.
&nbsp;
“Why did the Griffin fly south instead of east in the springtime?”
&nbsp;
The elf replied “I don’t know, why *did* the Griffin fly south instead of east in the springtime?”
&nbsp;
The great treant then replied, in the most monotonous voice; “Because he thought that it was summertime instead of springtime!”
&nbsp;
The Great Elder burst out laughing with the deepest and heartiest laugh imaginable.
&nbsp;
“Do you understand? Because Griffins normally fly east in the springtime and south in the summertime, but this particular Griffin had mistaken springtime for summertime and flown south instead of east!”
&nbsp;
The elf, not wanting to cause any insult, decided to laugh along with the Great One, however he did not feel like the Elder truly understood the concept of a joke.
&nbsp;
Upon leaving the kingdom to return to his home, the elf found the first two treants he had seen on his journey, and wanted to thank them before making his return.
&nbsp;
As he approached, he saw that they were still working on the magical tree used for the treant’s communications. This time it was twitching and lighting up, it seems the tree was working and the treants were sending messages.
&nbsp;
“Hello, I thank you again for your directions, I have successfully delivered my letter and will be heading off shortly.”
&nbsp;
The treants slowly turned around before waving him off before one treant said
“Watch out for the two-dimensional spiderlings, I heard that they are a real *plane* in the backside!”
&nbsp;
The elf laughed out loud, uncontrollably from the unexpected joke.
&nbsp;
“You like that?” The other treant said, “I have one of my own, why did the necromancer’s skeletons flee the battle?”
&nbsp;
The elf smiled and waited for the punchline;
&nbsp;
“Because they had no guts!”
&nbsp;
Again the elf burst out laughing, even harder than the last time.
&nbsp;
“Wow, you guys are great at telling jokes, much better than the Great Elder.” said the elf,
&nbsp;
The treants replied; “Why of course, everybody knows the best jokes are always in the comm-ents!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dubtyj/shameless_selfrepost/
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A woman is accused of killing her husband with a guitar

So she hires a lawyer to defend her.
He asks her: "First offender"?
She relies: "No. First was with the Gibson, then a Martin, and *then* the Fender."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dubsp9/a_woman_is_accused_of_killing_her_husband_with_a/
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What do we get to learn each year of our life?

Life lessens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dubltg/what_do_we_get_to_learn_each_year_of_our_life/
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Jesus: "Pardon me, I'm afraid I don't know what to do with this cross."

Roman soldier: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dubgrm/jesus_pardon_me_im_afraid_i_dont_know_what_to_do/
%
One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret drawer has popped open on her mother’s bed.
Inside, was a very well presented box containing the most magnificent looking dildo she’d ever seen with instructions reading, “The Great magic dildo. To use it, just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to pleasure you. USE WITH CAUTION!”
"What have I got to lose, I need cheering up” the girl thinks. So, she lays down on her bed and says "Great Magic Dildo, vagina." The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears her underwear and rapidly penetrates her, making her cum harder than ever before.
Feeling majestic and much happier, the girl lies down on the floor holding the dildo in awe when suddenly, her ex-boyfriend comes barging in and says "Hey listen, I want to talk to yo… what are you holding??"
"It’s a Great Magic Dildo"
Laughing, he says "Yeah right, great magic dildo my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duba2n/one_day_a_girl_comes_home_crying_upset_that_her/
%
What's worse, Ignorance or Apathy?

Honestly, I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dub7v1/whats_worse_ignorance_or_apathy/
%
I have come to realise how bad hairdressers are to have as friends.

They are always talking about you behind your back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dub7jf/i_have_come_to_realise_how_bad_hairdressers_are/
%
[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?

Man: I’m ..
Officer: Go on.
Man: I think...
Officer: Yes?
Man: Can I please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duazya/at_parole_hearing_officer_why_should_you_be/
%
I got gas today for $1:39...

Unfortunately it was at Taco bell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duay57/i_got_gas_today_for_139/
%
The phone rings....

A man answers: "Hello?"
"*cough, cough, achoo*"
"Who is this?"
"*cough, achoo, cough, cough*"
The man slams down the phone. "Damn cold calls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duawhm/the_phone_rings/
%
The band 4 Non Blondes changed their name to 3 Non Blondes...

Because the 4th one dyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duav3u/the_band_4_non_blondes_changed_their_name_to_3/
%
My time machine landed right into the middle of Hitler's living room in 1940.

I thought now’s my chance to change the world.
“Please sir,” I pleaded, “don’t gas the Jews. ”
“Gas the Jews?” Hitler replied, “h’mm, I hadn’t thought of that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duat69/my_time_machine_landed_right_into_the_middle_of/
%
What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duarcg/whats_the_problem_eating_too_much_pumpkin_pie/
%
I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”
I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.
“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duaqk8/i_just_made_love_to_my_girlfriend/
%
I went to a prostitute and asked her if I could do her Greek style.

"Sure" she said.
So I fucked her in the ass and left without paying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/duafcu/i_went_to_a_prostitute_and_asked_her_if_i_could/
%
I just got kicked out of my improv group

I don’t give a schtick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dua9cx/i_just_got_kicked_out_of_my_improv_group/
%
What's the difference between a traffic light and a vagina?

With a vagina you can go on when it's red, but you should definately stop when it's green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du9xw2/whats_the_difference_between_a_traffic_light_and/
%
I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du9wzo/i_accidentally_lost_my_sex_toy_the_other_day/
%
Sexual position of the day

The brexit - What? You thought it'd be done by now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du9uq7/sexual_position_of_the_day/
%
A man with an unusually large head came in to see the psychiatrist.

A few minutes later, he left the room, angrily yelling at the receptionist.
R: Sir, please calm down and tell what's making you so angry.
M: I came in to see the head shrink, but my head is still the same size!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du9st4/a_man_with_an_unusually_large_head_came_in_to_see/
%
Accidentally swallowed some tippex instead if liquid viagra.

Now I have this huge correction!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du9s2m/accidentally_swallowed_some_tippex_instead_if/
%
Did you see the news about corduroy pillows?

They're making head lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du9oi8/did_you_see_the_news_about_corduroy_pillows/
%
Cyclops came in the cave all angry and hot

Cyclops: I know you are cheating on me! Who are you fucking!
Wife: Nobody!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du9myb/cyclops_came_in_the_cave_all_angry_and_hot/
%
I have a joke for all you sorting by new.

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An **optimist** sees light at the end of a tunnel.
A *realist* sees a freight train.
The ***train driver*** sees three morons standing on the train tracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du9mqy/i_have_a_joke_for_all_you_sorting_by_new/
%
Why are gay guys always the most polite at bars?

They always offer to push your stool in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du9kb4/why_are_gay_guys_always_the_most_polite_at_bars/
%
I had a joke about milk

But I waited too long to share it, and now it's cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du99mc/i_had_a_joke_about_milk/
%
A dung beetle walked into a bar

He asked the bar tender
“is this stool taken?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du949r/a_dung_beetle_walked_into_a_bar/
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I think my family is racist...

when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du8t75/i_think_my_family_is_racist/
%
What do sheep call the oldest patriarch of the herd?

The pasture prime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du8qdd/what_do_sheep_call_the_oldest_patriarch_of_the/
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I don't understand why people make fun of short people. Honestly though, you've really gotta hand it to short people

Because they probably can't reach it anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du8n21/i_dont_understand_why_people_make_fun_of_short/
%
before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether / oar situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du8m67/before_my_surgery_my_anaesthesiologist_offered_to/
%
What do you call a rotten car?

A Carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du8kq2/what_do_you_call_a_rotten_car/
%
that’s unfortunate

A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger. The librarian says, "This is a library." The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du87mf/thats_unfortunate/
%
I once dated a girl with severe Eczema...

She had a cracking pair of tits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du80mo/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_severe_eczema/
%
How did the electrician get his degree without being in collage debt?

He was ohm schooled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du804s/how_did_the_electrician_get_his_degree_without/
%
A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer.

The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du7ylq/a_woman_crashed_her_car_she_told_the_policeman/
%
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du7x6w/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_girl_with_a_yeast/
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What do you call a bunch of lightbulbs going on strike?

A lighting strike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du7ltf/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_lightbulbs_going_on/
%
I walked into kindergarten on my first day of school...

I was worried, but nonetheless excited to learn. We began by learning about animals. My teacher asked students what their favorite animal was and when it was my turn I said “Pink Flamingo”
The teacher began screaming and sent me to the principals office. “Why are you here son”, he asked. I told him how we sharing our favorite animals with the class and I said “Pink Flamingo”. He immediately suspended me and sent me home.
I ran into my house crying into my moms arms. “What’s wrong”, she asked. “Shouldn’t you be at school?” “I just told them my favorite animal was a pink flamingo!” I cried. My own mother kicked me out of the house on the spot.
So my 5 year old self wandered the streets begging for food. It’s been 15 years since then now and I still can’t get a job. Every time my interviewer asks why I’m on the streets, I tell them the story and they kick me out.
One day a police officer finds me on the street and says, “Hey, if you don’t mind me asking, why are you living on the street.” I tell the story again. “I told them my favorite animal was a Pink Flamingo and my life has gone to hell ever since then.” “Yeah so what? What does a Pink Flamingo have to do with anything?” He said. “I have no idea, everyone’s always hated me for it though.” The police officer went across the street to the library to find an answer.
After hours and hours of research, the police officer finds the answer. Excited to tell me, he runs across the street. A car comes out of nowhere and kills him.
Moral of the story is, look both ways before you cross the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du7lr8/i_walked_into_kindergarten_on_my_first_day_of/
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Why procrastinate

When you can put it off until tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du7i3q/why_procrastinate/
%
A guy calls 911 in a panic

"My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!" He said
"Calm down" the 911 operator said. "Is this her first child?"
"No, you idiot!" The guy shouts in anger. "This is her husband!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du7hzj/a_guy_calls_911_in_a_panic/
%
What kind of people do dyslexic zombies eat?

Brians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du7g23/what_kind_of_people_do_dyslexic_zombies_eat/
%
What do Homer Simpson and pizza have in common?

Doh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du7ee6/what_do_homer_simpson_and_pizza_have_in_common/
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I caught my young son sniffing a Disney highlighter.

It made him a little Goofy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du7dlr/i_caught_my_young_son_sniffing_a_disney/
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A clown held the door for me today

That was a nice jester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du7da0/a_clown_held_the_door_for_me_today/
%
What do you get when you divide a quarterback by five?

Nickleback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du7cof/what_do_you_get_when_you_divide_a_quarterback_by/
%
What kind of soup base does the Joker use?

Laughing stock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du7cmg/what_kind_of_soup_base_does_the_joker_use/
%
What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Flushes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du7a4l/what_does_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
Why don't funeral homes hold surprise competitions?

They're always a dead giveaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du71qa/why_dont_funeral_homes_hold_surprise_competitions/
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What’s the differences between your wife and Mark Zuckerberg?

Mark Zuckerberg knows more about you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du6we6/whats_the_differences_between_your_wife_and_mark/
%
Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products.

It’s true, this is something you can’t make up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du6onp/hard_to_believe_but_my_girlfriend_has_a_rare/
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My friend HP was mad at me for drinking an IPA,

It turns out he does not lovecraft beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du6iyf/my_friend_hp_was_mad_at_me_for_drinking_an_ipa/
%
What does a sperm have in common with a lawyer?

They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human being

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du6ipl/what_does_a_sperm_have_in_common_with_a_lawyer/
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You're gonna love this one

Guy walks into a bar, demands the absolute strongest drink the bartender knows how to make. The bartender warns him, "this is very strong, so sip it. It's the only drink you'll get tonight."
The man, ignoring the advice, chugs the drink in one gulp.
...falls off the stool, crawls out the door. Bartender shakes his head.
Next day the guy comes back in, "what the hell did you put on that drink? I get home, park on my lawn, crawl up the stairs, fumble with the keys and walk into a spinning room. I was so out of control and delirious, I start blowing chunks. I blew chunks on the couch. I blew chunks on the kitchen and the bathroom. I blew chunks all over the place"
Bartender says, "tried to warn you. Don't be so down. Most people get drunk enough to blow chunks at one point or another."
The man cringed and with tears in his eyes, says " you don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du6ehg/youre_gonna_love_this_one/
%
What does Jesus say when he makes a trickshot?

Nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du6cxi/what_does_jesus_say_when_he_makes_a_trickshot/
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A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An **optimist** sees light at the end of a tunnel.
A *realist* sees a freight train.
The ***train driver*** sees three morons standing on the train tracks.
A *mortician* sees a busy week ahead
The *lawyer* sees a business opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du6575/a_pessimist_sees_a_dark_tunnel/
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A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for them so the chief can decide their fate.
The men are brought before a large clearing at the edge of the village where the chief begins his sentencing. “In the field behind me our ancestors have grown all the fruit known to man. You are you to walk the field and pick your favorite fruit then return it to me”
The men think wow this is a very simple punishment. “We shall gather the fruits of our native states to show the chief we miss home and just want to go back” says the man from Hawaii. The other two agree and all three set off into the field. Around 5 minutes later the man from Georgia appeared from the field and approached the chief holding a peach. “Chief I bring to you my native fruit. A gesture that I simply wish to return home” The chief with a smile tells the man to insert the fruit into his rectum and he will be given a canoe and allowed to leave. If he fails to insert the fruit he will be beheaded on the spot.
Instantly the man stuffs the peach into his rectum just before the man from Florida returns holding an orange. As the Florida man approaches he tells the chief “I have brought you the fruit from my native home simply to show you I miss home and would love to go back”. Again the chief explains the process and the man begins to hastily stuff the orange in his rectum.
As he gets his pants down and puts the orange in his rectum he begins to laugh. Soon after the first man begins to laugh hysterically as well. Within 30 seconds both men are in tears from laughter. The chief asks the translator what these men are laughing at to which the translator says
“They said the man from Hawaii is looking for the pineapples”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du654f/a_cruise_ship_wrecks_in_the_middle_of_the_ocean/
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Why should you never fight a butcher?

Because they'll tare you a new asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du650z/why_should_you_never_fight_a_butcher/
%
I went to a beer festival. In order to prevent myself from getting too drunk, I decided to follow the Chicago Bears' offensive game plan.

Three and out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du6411/i_went_to_a_beer_festival_in_order_to_prevent/
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What do you call a Vampire with a bad cold?

Nosferachoo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du62fo/what_do_you_call_a_vampire_with_a_bad_cold/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du5z03/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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The bank

A woman goes into a bank and hoists an enormous sack of change onto the counter.
"My goodness, that's a lot of change!" says the teller. "Did you hoard all of that yourself?"
And the woman says, "No, my sister whored half of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du5y1d/the_bank/
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du5vgg/a_polish_immigrant_went_to_the_dmv_to_apply_for_a/
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If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

They become VERY ANGRY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du5uho/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
%
Moses, Jesus and a bearded old man are playing golf.

Moses hits a long one, but it rolls to a river. Moses raises his golf club, the waters part, and the ball rolls into the hole.
Jesus also hits a long one towards the same river, but just as it is about to fall into the water it stops and hovers above it. Jesus walks to the river, and chips it into the hole.
The bearded man hits the ball out of the golf course, where it bounces of an incoming truck and is about to land in the river when it lands into the open mouth of a frog on a lilypad. An eagle snatches the frog, and as they are flying above the hole, the frog opens its mouth for a hole-in-one.
Says Moses to Jesus, "I *hate* playing with your dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du5np3/moses_jesus_and_a_bearded_old_man_are_playing_golf/
%
Guess who I saw yesterday...

Everyone I looked at

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du5g9d/guess_who_i_saw_yesterday/
%
Do u know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone ?

Can’t hear a vitamin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du5fcp/do_u_know_the_difference_between_a_vitamin_and_a/
%
Why can't dinosaurs clap ?

Because they're dead.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du5exw/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
A man and his wife are on the phone while the husband is driving home

Wife: be careful! It says on the news there’s someone driving the wrong way on the road!
Husband: it’s worse than that! There are hundreds of them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du5dja/a_man_and_his_wife_are_on_the_phone_while_the/
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I have a joke for all you sorting by new.

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An **optimist** sees light at the end of a tunnel.
A *realist* sees a freight train.
The ***train driver*** sees three morons standing on the train tracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du5amp/i_have_a_joke_for_all_you_sorting_by_new/
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Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop?

It’s just plain common scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du5agj/why_is_it_better_to_smell_roses_and_lemons_than/
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What's great about water is that you can drink it at work...

Now what's great about vodka is that it looks just like water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du56sc/whats_great_about_water_is_that_you_can_drink_it/
%
Want to hear a joke about dead batteries?

There’s no charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du53pt/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_dead_batteries/
%
I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour.

Turns out, books about women's rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du4zej/i_got_a_job_as_a_librarian_but_it_only_lasted/
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What do the Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du4q8f/what_do_the_titanic_and_the_sixth_sense_have_in/
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I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn...

They said they can't do anything about crows and to stop calling them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du4puc/i_called_the_cops_about_a_murder_on_my_front_lawn/
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Why did the jelly cross the road?

He wanted to create a traffic jam.
I am aware that these are 2 different substances

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du4nrz/why_did_the_jelly_cross_the_road/
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NSFW A new discovery

What is the difference between driving in the fog and a 69’er?
You can actually see the asshole in front of you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du4nar/nsfw_a_new_discovery/
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Why didn't the sperm donor have any free time?

Because he had loads to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du4n0q/why_didnt_the_sperm_donor_have_any_free_time/
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Three angles compete to be Goldilocks' husband

The first is obtuse and unattractive; Goldilocks says no.
The second is a-cute one but is unintelligent; again, Goldilocks says no.
But the third, ah yes, the third, is just right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du4mtn/three_angles_compete_to_be_goldilocks_husband/
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What do you call a shunned furry?

Fursona non grata.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du4lrv/what_do_you_call_a_shunned_furry/
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A boy asks a girl if she wants to hear a joke about his penis. He then says, ”Nevermind, it’s too long.”

The girl asks if he wants to hear a poem about her vagina. She says, ”Nevermind, it's too deep.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du4huq/a_boy_asks_a_girl_if_she_wants_to_hear_a_joke/
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I was having sex with a girl I met at a bar...

The girl said "fuck me with all nine inches and make it hurt!"
So I fucked her three times and hit her with a hammer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du4h0n/i_was_having_sex_with_a_girl_i_met_at_a_bar/
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What's the opposite of an Irish Goodbye?

Brexit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du4b4s/whats_the_opposite_of_an_irish_goodbye/
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Newly released convict goes for a job interview

Kyle who is fresh out of prison goes to a local grocery store for an interview.
Manager: Are you here for the stocker/helper position?
Kyle: Yes.
M: Are you willing to work nights?
K: Yes.
M: Are you willing to work weekends?
K: Yes
M: Say an old lady falls down and can't get up, strewing all her cash on the floor. What would you do?
K: Call 911.
M: You won't grab the cash?
K: No
M: Great. One last thing, hope you don't mind me asking. Why do all the ex-cons speak so tersely?
K: We prefer short sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du475y/newly_released_convict_goes_for_a_job_interview/
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What do you call pac-man when he’s helping you with your garden?

A weed-wakawaka

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du44uj/what_do_you_call_pacman_when_hes_helping_you_with/
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GMOs are one thing, but I was worried my sandwich meat had a genetic disease...

You know, cause it was in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du4457/gmos_are_one_thing_but_i_was_worried_my_sandwich/
%
Fun fact: The USSR didn’t have iron mines.

They had iron **ours.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du40dv/fun_fact_the_ussr_didnt_have_iron_mines/
%
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du3uek/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Why did the orange have so much trouble forming a rap duo?

No one rhymes with orange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du3rs6/why_did_the_orange_have_so_much_trouble_forming_a/
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What is it called when the fat kid does karate?

Pork Chops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du3qi2/what_is_it_called_when_the_fat_kid_does_karate/
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All around the world children are nice

But in Germany all the children are Kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du3ln0/all_around_the_world_children_are_nice/
%
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du3jb7/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_was/
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Why did Sean Connery get kicked out of the strip club?

He told a stripper to sit on his lap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du3i37/why_did_sean_connery_get_kicked_out_of_the_strip/
%
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in UFO]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong, I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du3fmh/mom_your_father_was_abducted_by_aliens_last_night/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it couldn’t fly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du3dgx/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
A teacher was working with a group of children,

trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.
"It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted,
Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du38n4/a_teacher_was_working_with_a_group_of_children/
%
What kind of lizard would you find on this site?

A karma chameleon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du34j9/what_kind_of_lizard_would_you_find_on_this_site/
%
Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du2tyz/most_of_the_dirty_jokes_i_see_on_this_sub_are/
%
I think our parrot has schizophrenia or something.

Whenever I get home from work and my wife's in bed he tells me that Geoffrey just left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du2f8b/i_think_our_parrot_has_schizophrenia_or_something/
%
OH NO NO NO NO

# Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
# On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
# "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
# Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
# There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
# "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
# "That'll be me then," said Paddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du24ol/oh_no_no_no_no/
%
Where did Luke get his bionic arm

At the second hand store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du234n/where_did_luke_get_his_bionic_arm/
%
How scared were the french royalty during the French Revolution?

Very, they completely lost their heads..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du1suf/how_scared_were_the_french_royalty_during_the/
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Two praying mantises are mating

The male says: “This feels so good, but I don’t want you to eat me after this.”
The other mantis replies: “Yeah don’t worry, only the females do that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du1ned/two_praying_mantises_are_mating/
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If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.

My parents used to tell me that joke all the time.
Still remember it to this day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du1cbn/if_you_work_hard_everyday_your_hard_work_will_pay/
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The least spoken language is known by about 500,000 americans

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du1a4f/the_least_spoken_language_is_known_by_about/
%
Why are lobsters bad at relationships?

Too shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du1a4d/why_are_lobsters_bad_at_relationships/
%
My dad and I disagree on the way fish move.

But I don’t see the point in arguing over salmon ticks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du132u/my_dad_and_i_disagree_on_the_way_fish_move/
%
I had a blind girlfriend who was both rewarding and challenging

It took me ages to get her husband's voice right
You didn't see that coming, neither did she

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du0y3r/i_had_a_blind_girlfriend_who_was_both_rewarding/
%
I saw a midget carrying a big TV to his car from a store and offered to help him carry it.

“Fuck off you dickhead,” he said “ it’s an iPad!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du0xki/i_saw_a_midget_carrying_a_big_tv_to_his_car_from/
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They arrested me for violating human rights...

...Good thing they didn't find all those human lefts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du0x9m/they_arrested_me_for_violating_human_rights/
%
Before he died, Steve Jobs opened up a children’s hospital named after his daughter, Eve.

It’s called St. Eve Jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du0fpi/before_he_died_steve_jobs_opened_up_a_childrens/
%
What is the funniest food?

The Artijoke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du0cw4/what_is_the_funniest_food/
%
What do you call a horde of hungry women?

Faminism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du0cpm/what_do_you_call_a_horde_of_hungry_women/
%
Knock knock

Who's there
Owls
Owls who
Yes they do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du0281/knock_knock/
%
What does a hockey game and an airboat have in common?

Loud fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/du01mn/what_does_a_hockey_game_and_an_airboat_have_in/
%
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,

but none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtzzrz/i_know_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
What kind of magic do cows believe in?

Moodoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtzw55/what_kind_of_magic_do_cows_believe_in/
%
What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtzvrf/what_do_the_mafia_and_pussies_have_in_common/
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I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing this woman at the party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched and broke his nose.

Nobody does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtztff/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once_an_hour_later_i/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

No one knows. *But the road will have his vengeance.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtzmaz/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But apparently it just changes the color of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtzi7z/i_thought_getting_a_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife/
%
I got a friend request from Epstein

Not sure if I should accept it or leave him hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtz9q3/i_got_a_friend_request_from_epstein/
%
Lesbian bed

Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtz1lf/lesbian_bed/
%
What do you call a pig that eats other pigs?

Hammibal Lecter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtywdm/what_do_you_call_a_pig_that_eats_other_pigs/
%
What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin, get in the Batmobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtyrlp/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
%
It's not easy being a pill tester at the Viagra production facility...

The workers are always hard at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtyqg6/its_not_easy_being_a_pill_tester_at_the_viagra/
%
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem

, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtynbo/a_teacher_wanted_to_teach_her_students_about/
%
A guy was walking to a bar, when he saw a girl tied to some railroad tracks

He went and untied her, following which one thing led to another and they had a lot of sex.
When he finally got to the bar, his friends asked why he was so late. He then told them about the girl he found and how they made sweet love in multiple positions on the side of the tracks. Naturally, his friends gave him props and asked him if he got head.
"No :(" he replied. "I couldn't find it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtyn3s/a_guy_was_walking_to_a_bar_when_he_saw_a_girl/
%
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?

He hated the juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtydwk/why_did_adolf_hitler_yell_at_the_waiter/
%
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is ?"

"No Sun"......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtyb3f/dad_can_you_tell_me_what_a_solar_eclipse_is/
%
There are three girls, one named Tulip, one named Daisy, and one named Brick.

One day, three girls and their mom are walking down the street. One is named Tulip, one is named Daisy, and one is named Brick. Tulip asks, "Mommy, why am I named Tulip?", "Oh, because a bunch of Tulips fell on you when you were born," Her mom said. "Well, why am I named Daisy?", "Because a bunch of daisies fell on you when you were born." Then, Brick says, "yudgwiygfedkugqwidi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dty83j/there_are_three_girls_one_named_tulip_one_named/
%
They used to be called jumpolines

Before your mum jumped on one back in 1973

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dty76f/they_used_to_be_called_jumpolines/
%
I got a handj*b from a blind girl.

She said it was the biggest d\*ck she ever put her hands on.
I said, "No, you're just pulling my leg!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dty5by/i_got_a_handjb_from_a_blind_girl/
%
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"They range from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk much slower and louder."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dty3t9/a_man_realized_he_needed_to_purchase_a_hearing/
%
If I ever drown

Just put me in rice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dty2mp/if_i_ever_drown/
%
What do cell towers do when someone puts down a beat?

They drop some bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtxzma/what_do_cell_towers_do_when_someone_puts_down_a/
%
Did you know there are no canaries in the Canary islands? Same thing with the Virgin Islands

No canaries there either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtxstr/did_you_know_there_are_no_canaries_in_the_canary/
%
What's Vlad the impaler's favorite joke?

So this bar goes into a guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtxr4r/whats_vlad_the_impalers_favorite_joke/
%
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *wack* “darn”
A skydiver goes “darn” *wack*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtxqrd/whats_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
%
What do you call a skinny kim-jung in?

Slim-jung un

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtxmvu/what_do_you_call_a_skinny_kimjung_in/
%
How do you talk to a tuba player?

Euphonium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtxkyg/how_do_you_talk_to_a_tuba_player/
%
How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtxdsi/how_long_is_a_chinese_mans_name/
%
What’s a foot long and slippery?

A slipper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtxd4q/whats_a_foot_long_and_slippery/
%
A group of chess-playing fanatics would gather each day in the hotel lobby to brag about their greatest victories.

There came a day when the hotel manager barred the group from the lobby because he couldn't stand to listen to a band of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtxbe9/a_group_of_chessplaying_fanatics_would_gather/
%
What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a dirty bus depot?

One is a busty crustacean and the other is crusty bus station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtx6zi/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with/
%
Name for your Daughter

Man 1: You know what I'm going to name my daughter?
Man 2: No, what name are you giving her?
Man 1: Amanda.
Man 2: Why Amanda?
Man 1: Because that is what A man-does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtx4j2/name_for_your_daughter/
%
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtx4c5/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_and_500/
%
While growing up, Thor was always grandstanding and making a scene.

But his brother remained low key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtwou7/while_growing_up_thor_was_always_grandstanding/
%
The barber

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a Twinkie. While she's eating she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair.
The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
"I know," says the little girl. "And I'm gonna get boobies, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtwly2/the_barber/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I didn't know what was going on...

I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtwliy/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_didnt_know/
%
A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to Heaven and sees God.

When he gets there, God says, “I’ll tell you any secret you’ve ever wanted to know.”
The conspiracy theorist says “How did Jeffrey Epstien die?”
God says “He killed himself in his prison cell.”
The conspiracy theorist says “...shit, this goes higher than I thought”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtwkgi/a_conspiracy_theorist_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_and/
%
6 was scared of 7 because 7 ate 9. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because it’s important to eat three squared meals a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtwk3g/6_was_scared_of_7_because_7_ate_9_but_why_did_7/
%
If you take up drawing as a mid-life hobby, but you just can't get past tracing...

You might have an exit-stencil crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtwie6/if_you_take_up_drawing_as_a_midlife_hobby_but_you/
%
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb in Fort Knox



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtw6ez/what_did_the_burglar_say_after_detonating_a_bomb/
%
It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”
With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net a nice profit!
One day, a blonde shows up to make a bet. She places her $69 on the table and bets that the candidate won’t nut after the event starts, then leaves.
The manager, having no clue if or when the man will nut, registers her bet.
When the blonde returns on December 24th to claim the prize, she heads up back to the table to talk to the manager, who was completely clueless on why she decided to return that late, replied to the blonde,
“No Nut November has long been over. Why did it take you this long for you to attempt to claim your prize?”
The blonde said “Because I put my bet on Santa Claus.”
The manager asked “Why did you bet on Santa?”
The blonde replies “With that enormous sack of his, clearly he only comes once a year.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtw52z/its_no_nut_november_and_were_accepting_bets_until/
%
A guy walks to the bar

On his way found a girl tied to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex.
Guy gets to the bar, friends ask him why he was late and he tells them about this girl and all positions they had sex in.  Friends give him props and ask 'did you get any head?'. He said he couldn't find any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtvzg4/a_guy_walks_to_the_bar/
%
Lee, Lifeson, and Peart aren't in any hurry to do anything these days

There's no Rush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtvv1z/lee_lifeson_and_peart_arent_in_any_hurry_to_do/
%
I hate when people make fun of my Tourette syndrome

It really ticks me off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtvuvq/i_hate_when_people_make_fun_of_my_tourette/
%
I have three girlfriends

Their names are Emma, Jean and Ari. I love them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtvltv/i_have_three_girlfriends/
%
I’ve been working at a charity, teaching college education to reformed Mexican gangsters.

It’s not going very well because for some reason they refuse to turn in their essays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtvjxc/ive_been_working_at_a_charity_teaching_college/
%
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.
As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.
The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line.
As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque.
Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on...
"These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home."
The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments.
After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives.
"Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?"
"Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtvjin/a_marine_returns_from_duty_in_iraq_and_is/
%
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtvixj/bill_gates_and_elon_musk_should_teamup_and_make_a/
%
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you, I want to see how you're going to survive on $800 a year"......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtvhf0/a_husband_comes_home_to_find_his_wife_with_her/
%
I was so proud of myself when I came on TV today

The cleaning lady wasn’t impressed with the sticky situation though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtvegg/i_was_so_proud_of_myself_when_i_came_on_tv_today/
%
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?

A 10% survival rate
I’m so sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtvdta/what_do_peta_and_make_a_wish_foundation_have_in/
%
What would you call a Communist sniper?

A marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtv6bp/what_would_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
What language do bridges speak?

Span-ish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtv0fv/what_language_do_bridges_speak/
%
What do you call a dictionary for lesbians?

A dickshunary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtuxgp/what_do_you_call_a_dictionary_for_lesbians/
%
Why was the anti-vaxxers child crying?

It was having a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtum5z/why_was_the_antivaxxers_child_crying/
%
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtul7b/how_many_brexiteers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtui8t/a_linguistics_professor_was_lecturing_to_his/
%
You could say that...

World War 2 ended with a blast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtuh2a/you_could_say_that/
%
My maths teacher screamed at me for my math average

How mean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtudte/my_maths_teacher_screamed_at_me_for_my_math/
%
I used to think that revenge was a dish best served cold

But then I learned it means "getting back at someone".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dttxbo/i_used_to_think_that_revenge_was_a_dish_best/
%
I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.

It's a coming of age story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dttrp2/i_wrote_a_novel_about_a_man_who_grows_younger/
%
A family of cannibals visit China

"What's for dinner, mom?"
"Chinese!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dttj4b/a_family_of_cannibals_visit_china/
%
Why can’t a T-Rex clap?

Because they’re dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtthne/why_cant_a_trex_clap/
%
What does a vampire do on a Friday night?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dttazo/what_does_a_vampire_do_on_a_friday_night/
%
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.
70s kids: Gramps called.
80s kids: Granny called.
90s kids: Grandmother called.
Kids now: Boomerang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtt8b0/how_does_the_kid_tell_you_that_their_grandparents/
%
What do you call a woman who can service a car, cook, wash the dishes and repair the oven?

A Swiss army wife.
(Not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtt6d7/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_can_service_a_car/
%
Why don't catholic priests like the Army?

Because there are only majors there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtsvy1/why_dont_catholic_priests_like_the_army/
%
It all

The title says it all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtstoh/it_all/
%
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dts8o5/what_do_you_call_a_dictionary_on_drugs/
%
Sleeping is so easy

I can do it with my eyes closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dts4q2/sleeping_is_so_easy/
%
Two bodybuilders walk into a bar.

"Ouch," says the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dts3os/two_bodybuilders_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Little Johnny moves out

Little Johnny asked for a bike for his birthday. His dad said: "We'd get you one but our mortgage is $80,000 and your mum has lost her job."
Next day little Johnny walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks: "Where are you going son?"
Little Johnny replied: "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was coming too, I'm not staying here on my own with an $80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dts24u/little_johnny_moves_out/
%
A nymphomaniac goes to the grocery store

and gets horny looking at all of the cucumbers and savory meats. When the hot bag boy offers to carry her groceries to the car she can’t help herself, and whispers in his ear, “hey, I’ve got an itchy pussy.”
He says, “you’ll have to tell me what color, ma’am, because all these Japanese cars look the same to me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtru9z/a_nymphomaniac_goes_to_the_grocery_store/
%
A Blonde Walks into Subway...

She orders a simple footlong sandwich  and goes to  the register.
"That'll be $6.70," says the cashier.
The blonde tries to use the chip  on her card, but  it doesn't work.
So she tries it again,  and  still nothing.
Finally she tries to  swipe and it  does nothing.
The cashier  notices that no one else is in the  store, and he is annoyed at this struggle.  "Go ahead and take it for  free," he says.
The blonde  is so happy, that she pulls out a 10 dollar bill, leaves it in  the tip jar and walks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtrpev/a_blonde_walks_into_subway/
%
Guy comes to my door and asks if I want to be a Jehovah's Witness

I said, "Hey man I didn't even see the accident"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtrncr/guy_comes_to_my_door_and_asks_if_i_want_to_be_a/
%
What do metal heads do when they masturbate?

They slipnut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtrixq/what_do_metal_heads_do_when_they_masturbate/
%
The psychiatrist

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
The guy replies, "I just can't seem to make friends with anyone. Can you help me, you fat ugly bastard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtriqv/the_psychiatrist/
%
Why do vegetarians give good head?

Because they’re used to eating nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtrfwa/why_do_vegetarians_give_good_head/
%
Because you black and they white

Tyrone's first day in the first grade he came home crying. When his mother asked why, he replied,
"The teacher told us to say our ABC's and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to the letter E. Why is that? His mom said, "Because you black and they white." The next day Tyrone was crying again. "What's wrong today, Tyrone?" his mother asked. Tyrone said, "Teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get up to 10. Why is that?" The mom answered, "Because you black and they white." The third day he came home smiling. "What happened today, Tyrone?" asked his mom. "We went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all, because I'm black and they white, right mama?" She said, "No, Tyrone, it's because you 17 and they 6."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtrfeg/because_you_black_and_they_white/
%
Why does China suck?

*CENSORED*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtrf2w/why_does_china_suck/
%
What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up?

Aww shucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtr9y3/what_did_the_oyster_say_to_his_girlfriend_when/
%
A condom that is 100% effective . . .

is inconceivable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtr9n4/a_condom_that_is_100_effective/
%
Ever hear of Van Morrison's less talented younger brother?

Mini-Van Morrison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtr752/ever_hear_of_van_morrisons_less_talented_younger/
%
Einstein walks into a bar with his favourite cousin

The barman says "Hi Albert, it's nice to see you both again, but how come we never see the rest of the family?"
Einstein responds "Well you know, with this special relative it's easier for me, if I invite general relatives it just gets too complicated"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtr1dj/einstein_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_favourite/
%
Welcome to reddit...

Where even virgins can give you sex advice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtr0l4/welcome_to_reddit/
%
What do you call a mix of ketchup and mustard?

The Spanish Inquisition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqwf3/what_do_you_call_a_mix_of_ketchup_and_mustard/
%
How do you make a hanky dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqtbi/how_do_you_make_a_hanky_dance/
%
Why don't the Clintons like Jehovah's Witnesses?

The Clintons don't like ANY witn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqswm/why_dont_the_clintons_like_jehovahs_witnesses/
%
Why doesn’t a cracker go to school?

Cuz it’s a cracker!
- my 5 year old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqrrn/why_doesnt_a_cracker_go_to_school/
%
How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?

Tucan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqo52/how_many_birds_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
When a girl calls you daddy.

Her: Fuck me daddy!
Me: Sure thing sport.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqmm9/when_a_girl_calls_you_daddy/
%
A politician makes a trip to a village

A politician visited a village and asked villagers what their needs were.
"We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villager leader.
"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."
On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not to worry, a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the second problem.
"...secondly Sir, there is no cellphone reception anywhere in this village."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqm10/a_politician_makes_a_trip_to_a_village/
%
Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqkkr/why_does_steven_tyler_always_put_raspberry/
%
My wife and I had a pillow fight.

The stupid police arrested me saying the term is called ‘smothering’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqk82/my_wife_and_i_had_a_pillow_fight/
%
You're not depressed...

I was at the beach and noticed a younger guy who was  moping and looking sad.  To make matters worse the guy was scrawny and couldn't have weighed more than a 100 lbs.
I walked up to the guy and said "hey buddy what's wrong?  It's a beautiful day at the beach and there's nothing but gorgeous women and warm weather around."
The guy says back "I know, I know... But it's tough to enjoy the day. My testicles weigh 50 lbs and it bums me out to lug those things around. I'm depressed everyday."
I was stunned by his revelation. I looked him over and said "Hey buddy, you're not depressed... You're half nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqfrf/youre_not_depressed/
%
How does a gay drummer finish having sex?

With a rim shot...bdum bshhh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqdk4/how_does_a_gay_drummer_finish_having_sex/
%
I figured out Trump is actually a communist

When he said "grab them by the pussy" that's the head of state seizing the means of production.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqcob/i_figured_out_trump_is_actually_a_communist/
%
An old lady is sitting with her doctor

“I’ve been having the most terrible flatulence, doctor.  I just can’t stop passing gas.  Fortunately, they’re silent and they don’t smell at all. Why, you couldn’t tell but I’ve farted at least five or six times in the few minutes I’ve been here with you.”
The doctor pulled out his prescription pad and began writing.
“Are these pills to help with my stomach?”
The doctor replied, “no – your sense of smell.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqbna/an_old_lady_is_sitting_with_her_doctor/
%
Why did the guy throw jelly into the street?

He wanted to create a traffic jam.
(yes I know that they are different substances)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqbi2/why_did_the_guy_throw_jelly_into_the_street/
%
What do you call a loud person from Chicago?

Illinoisey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtqbd9/what_do_you_call_a_loud_person_from_chicago/
%
Why does Batman wear dark colors? Thats easy, Batman doesent want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright colors?

Thats easy...
Batman doesent want to get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtq6sz/why_does_batman_wear_dark_colors_thats_easy/
%
My wife turned to me in bed and threw this curveball at me.

She asked, "Would you ever consider adoption?"
I said, "Only if you got pregnant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtq6e8/my_wife_turned_to_me_in_bed_and_threw_this/
%
Give a dog a bone and he'll eat for a day

Teach a dog to bone and you'll never be lonely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtq4ye/give_a_dog_a_bone_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
%
Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

He could because he was a copper.
The nickel refused to stop on a dime even though he was only a quarter way through the intersection. He hit 50 cent (who was crossing on the crosswalk) and thought it was a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtq0vx/why_did_the_penny_arrest_the_nickel/
%
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?”

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtq0uq/how_much_to_buy_a_singing_ensemble/
%
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes *WHACK* “Dang!” but a bad skydiver goes “Dang!” *WHACK*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtpyv0/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
%
A friend asked me who won the Tour de France

Apparently the "5th Panzer Division" was not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtpx99/a_friend_asked_me_who_won_the_tour_de_france/
%
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table.

I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu.
She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.”
I wrote back, “Give me the wine.
As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtpo2z/i_was_sitting_on_my_own_in_a_restaurant_when_i/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool... (NSFW)

He asks the bartender for a jack and coke, but receives an apple.
"What's this"? Asks the man
"Trust me", says the bartender.
So the man takes a bite of the apple and exclaims,
"WOW! This tastes just like Jack Daniels!"
He then turns the apple to take another bite and screams,
"NO WAY! This tastes just like coca cola!"
Another man walks into the bar and asks for a Gin and Tonic.
The bartender hands him an apple.
Confused he looks at the first guy, but gets a nod as if to say "trust me"
So he takes a bite of the apple and find it tastes just like Gin. Turns the apple for another bite and rejoices,  "WOW just like tonic!"
A midget storms into the bar very angry and visually upset so he hops up on the  stool and the bartender asks
"You look like you've had a rough day, what can I get you to make you feel better"?
The midget replies "I could really use some pussy!"
So the bartender hands him an apple.
Confused the midget looks at the apple then to the bartender, then to the other two patrons  shouts and falls off the stool with a thud "AH, GROSS what the hell!? This apple tastes like ass!!
The bartender then replies "turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtpmq2/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_on_a_stool_nsfw/
%
Sexual position of the day

The Brexit - you promise to pull out but you don’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtpdln/sexual_position_of_the_day/
%
I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtpacn/i_got_a_vasectomy_but_my_girlfriend_still_got/
%
I'm trying really hard to get a job at the moisturizer factory

I'm applying twice a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtp9a9/im_trying_really_hard_to_get_a_job_at_the/
%
A comedian was arrested after causing a 35 year old male to laugh himself to death.

Police are charging him with man's-laughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtp6gl/a_comedian_was_arrested_after_causing_a_35_year/
%
Why can't Donald Trump finish a book?

He can never make it past Chapter 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtp6dr/why_cant_donald_trump_finish_a_book/
%
I finally told my hot coworker how I felt, and she said she felt the same way.

So we turned on the air conditioning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtozcn/i_finally_told_my_hot_coworker_how_i_felt_and_she/
%
A Rubix cube is like a penis

The more you play with it the harder it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtovg9/a_rubix_cube_is_like_a_penis/
%
Why can't you trust artists?

Because they are always a bit sketchy, a bit shady, and they will always try to frame you. I think you get the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtoben/why_cant_you_trust_artists/
%
Went to the doctor's for a prostate exam

During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate .......
But I still wish he hadn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtoahx/went_to_the_doctors_for_a_prostate_exam/
%
Somebody today was explaining to me how the cryptocurrency market was changing, even though I already knew

It was a bit coin descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dto9p4/somebody_today_was_explaining_to_me_how_the/
%
What do me and the Energizer Bunny have in common?

We've both been charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dto5vl/what_do_me_and_the_energizer_bunny_have_in_common/
%
My wife used to smoke in bed...

Then we used lube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dto5lz/my_wife_used_to_smoke_in_bed/
%
I once watched a film about clouds...

but it was way over my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtnyjy/i_once_watched_a_film_about_clouds/
%
A man looks across the restaurant and sees a beautiful woman...

He keeps stealing glances at her throughout his meal. Just as he is about to finish eating, the woman lets out a giant sneeze...and a huge POP sound echoes throughout the dining room. Seeing a blur, the man instinctively reaches out his hand and grabs something.
It's the woman's glass eye.
Seeing her in dismay, the man quickly goes up to her, discreetly hands her the eye, and lets her situate herself before looking back at her. Smiling, he introduces himself and asks if the woman is ok.
"I am. Thank you so much!" she exclaims.
"My pleasure. If you're eating alone, would you like some company?"
The woman says yes, and they start talking. It's a wonderful conversation and the man begins to think that he should try to get her number. As they're about to part ways, he throws the question at her, and is surprised at how quickly she says yes.
"Do you always give your number to men you just meet?" he asked, grinning.
"No," replied the woman, grinning back. "You just happened to catch my eye!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtnu8w/a_man_looks_across_the_restaurant_and_sees_a/
%
Why did the muffin fall down the stairs

He was baked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtntp9/why_did_the_muffin_fall_down_the_stairs/
%
My friend accidentally stuck a bullet into his urethra.

He wasn't a fan of my idea of masturbating to get it out.
But I think he'll come around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtntfz/my_friend_accidentally_stuck_a_bullet_into_his/
%
What is it called when a gang member kills his best friend?

Homiecide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtnrar/what_is_it_called_when_a_gang_member_kills_his/
%
Had a test the other day and got the highest possible score!

The policeman holding the breathalyser wasn't as happy as me though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtnr40/had_a_test_the_other_day_and_got_the_highest/
%
Did you hear about the math teacher who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtnmn2/did_you_hear_about_the_math_teacher_whos_afraid/
%
We've been married for 15 years and finally found the G spot.

Turns out my sister in law had it all along

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtnmgt/weve_been_married_for_15_years_and_finally_found/
%
Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?

Because he never had to run for his office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtnlj0/why_is_kim_jongun_so_chubby/
%
You know what a helicopter mom is?

Well I have a Malaysia flight mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtnjfz/you_know_what_a_helicopter_mom_is/
%
What do you call a web developer that likes English?

A pro grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtnft7/what_do_you_call_a_web_developer_that_likes/
%
What do you call a fruit that’s very sympathetic?

A compassion fruit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtne5k/what_do_you_call_a_fruit_thats_very_sympathetic/
%
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it was flat.

In the end, he came around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtn8th/my_flatearther_friend_decided_to_walk_to_the_end/
%
My friend thought that an onion is the only food that can make you cry

So I threw a coconut at his head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtn71e/my_friend_thought_that_an_onion_is_the_only_food/
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Takes place during the Great Depression.

A man and his wife were barely scraping by on their combined salaries, but they weren’t making enough to make ends meet. One night, they lay in bed hungry after skipping supper. Now the woman had an idea, but she didn’t think her husband would approve of it. She turned to the man and said,
“Why don’t I go to town, and trade some favours for money?”
Now the man reeeeaaaally wanted to say no. But his stomach grumbled loudly and made him reconsider their situation. So with a heavy heart he sends her off to town.
Morning comes around and the woman returns. The man didn’t want to ask, but he had to know.
“So uh... what was your haul?” He asks.
“A hundred and thirty-one dollars!” The man was confused.
“A hundred and thirty-one? Who gave you one dollar?”
“They all did!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtn595/takes_place_during_the_great_depression/
%
A joke I made up that's funny only when you look back at it.

This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem",
The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?"
The guys says, "Everything's blurry.  My vision is horrible!"
"That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th..."
"Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry.  EVERYTHING. Except... People's butts.  People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts.  Butts!  I see butts clearly!  What's going on?"
The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about.  Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtmyaf/a_joke_i_made_up_thats_funny_only_when_you_look/
%
Her: How come I always go down on you, but you never go down on me?

Him: My financial adviser told me not to.
Her: Your financial adviser told you not to lick my pussy?
Him: Yeah. He said if I keep eating out all the time, I'll always be broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtmlnb/her_how_come_i_always_go_down_on_you_but_you/
%
Tis' the Treason

Santa: "Please help. Global Warming has put my shop under water. My elves are crossing the boarder for refuge"
Trump: " Don't worry Santy, I'm sending ICE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtmh9h/tis_the_treason/
%
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtmfmo/my_doctor_friend_is_addicted_to_hitting_his/
%
A sandwich walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "sorry, we dont serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtmawh/a_sandwich_walked_into_a_bar/
%
If your SON becomes a PRIEST and then DIES, what do you call him?

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtm2ja/if_your_son_becomes_a_priest_and_then_dies_what/
%
What do you call a soldier who survived a mustard gas attack AND pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtlzia/what_do_you_call_a_soldier_who_survived_a_mustard/
%
As a trucker stops at a red light, a woman catches up...

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the woman gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Iowa and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtlshz/as_a_trucker_stops_at_a_red_light_a_woman_catches/
%
What's a Pirates favorite letter?

Most people think it's R, but a Pirates only love is the C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtlpd4/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
Someone told me Epstein killed himself.

That was fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtlln7/someone_told_me_epstein_killed_himself/
%
Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?

Because the trees can speak for themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtlhzw/why_doesnt_the_lorax_go_to_vietnam/
%
when jar jar lies

jar jar blinks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtlhht/when_jar_jar_lies/
%
Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrrrrghh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtlgiv/why_are_pirates_called_pirates/
%
My dad said he didn't come into his own until his late 30's

I thought it was quite insightful, but my sister didn't appreciate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtl9y6/my_dad_said_he_didnt_come_into_his_own_until_his/
%
I usually smoke after sex.

So I started using lube.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtl69z/i_usually_smoke_after_sex/
%
What's the most popular dating app in Alabama?

23andMe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtl1c7/whats_the_most_popular_dating_app_in_alabama/
%
Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It got it stuck in my colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtkuqx/why_did_the_banana_go_to_the_doctor/
%
Joke about an island

3 guys are stranded on a desert island, They are captured by a native tribe.
They are brought to the indian chief who tells them to each get 5 fruits from the island.
guy 1 comes back with a bag of 5 bananas, Leader tells him to shove them up his ass without flinching or showing any emotion or they’d kill him.
He gets 2 inside before flinching, He gets shot
guy 2 comes back with a bag of 5 apples, Same thing.
He gets 4 apples inside him before he starts laughing, He dies.
Guy 1 and guy 2 meet in heaven
Guy 1: You were so close, Why did you start laughing?
Guy 2: Because i saw Guy 3 coming back with a bag of pineapples.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtkskn/joke_about_an_island/
%
What do Shaquille O'Neal and a Japanese restaurant have in common?

Kobe beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtkle4/what_do_shaquille_oneal_and_a_japanese_restaurant/
%
Bob the mailman

A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's having an affair with Bob the mailman."
"What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"That's right," says the first guy.
"Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtkj0a/bob_the_mailman/
%
A year ago today I asked the most beautiful woman out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said "no" both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtkdsy/a_year_ago_today_i_asked_the_most_beautiful_woman/
%
When small talk with the neighbors gets awkward.

I live in the Bible Belt and took a stroll around the neighborhood earlier in the week. At the turnaround an old man with a walker was getting the mail. He asked me my name and we engaged in some small talk.
&nbsp;
I was about to leave, but his wife came outside so I stayed and said hello to her as well. The first thing she asked when she made it to the end of the driveway was "you're Christian right?"
&nbsp;
Now when I first became a non-believer about 15 years ago I would have said "no" straight away out of principle, but I'm not as gung-ho as I once was. I gave it a little thought and finally talked myself out of lying.
&nbsp;
I replied with a direct "no, I'm not."
&nbsp;
She was quite confused until her husband responded with "no, that's not Christian. This guy is from further down the street. Christian lives in the house two doors down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtk9vp/when_small_talk_with_the_neighbors_gets_awkward/
%
I was applying for Australian citizenship and...

The interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal record?"
I said, "No. Is that still required?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtjywc/i_was_applying_for_australian_citizenship_and/
%
After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen

from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtjl52/after_1_million_worth_of_sex_toys_are_stolen/
%
One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtj313/one_day_albert_einstein_had_to_speak_at_an/
%
I was having an argument with my friend the other day

He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was!
Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtj0kk/i_was_having_an_argument_with_my_friend_the_other/
%
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner.

The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtixlq/a_husband_and_a_wife_sit_at_the_table_having/
%
What did the pirate say to his girlfriend?

I love just the way you arrrrrrr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtixhl/what_did_the_pirate_say_to_his_girlfriend/
%
Why do women always get the last word?

Because they have periods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtiuh8/why_do_women_always_get_the_last_word/
%
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?

A troubleshooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtir2m/what_do_you_call_a_problematic_person_with_a_gun/
%
Some people say they pick their nose

I think I was just born with mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtiqnp/some_people_say_they_pick_their_nose/
%
Ate some Fiber One brownies

That shit was amazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtim20/ate_some_fiber_one_brownies/
%
I was thinking about moving to Moscow...

but there's no point Russian into things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dti99h/i_was_thinking_about_moving_to_moscow/
%
What did King Arthur say when his wife asked if he failed No Nut November?

"Yeah, I Camelot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dti2in/what_did_king_arthur_say_when_his_wife_asked_if/
%
We'll we'll we'll...

If it isn't autocorrect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dti16n/well_well_well/
%
My wife was fed up with me, so she packed my things and told me to get out. As I walked out she yelled, "And I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death."

“So you want me to stay then? I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dti0tw/my_wife_was_fed_up_with_me_so_she_packed_my/
%
What makes every girl wet?

Water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dthxni/what_makes_every_girl_wet/
%
What did redditor say after seeing an explosion?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dthwrm/what_did_redditor_say_after_seeing_an_explosion/
%
To be frank

I’d have to change my name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dthq2v/to_be_frank/
%
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dthoh6/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
%
I started a dating site for older people.

OK Boomer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dthnkh/i_started_a_dating_site_for_older_people/
%
What do you call a bossy potato?

a DickTator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dthgmu/what_do_you_call_a_bossy_potato/
%
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

**me:** *[raising hand]* if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it?
**professor:** okay there is one stupid question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dthgkw/professor_remember_there_are_no_stupid_questions/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for.
The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?"
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dthbjz/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
%
Well well well...

If it isn't my 3 favorite places to get water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dthb1h/well_well_well/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dth9ei/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
A man passes out while swimming in a river.

A group of people surround the riverbank where the young man was floating.
Then, a cocky medical student pushes through the crowd, dives into the river and pulls the man half out.
He then starts performing CPR on the man, with every chest compression water comes out of the man's mouth.
After about 30 seconds, an engineering student approaches the medical student and politely tells him "You're doing that wrong, mate".
To which the medical student responds quite angrily with "I'm a second year med student, I'm pretty sure I know how to perform CPR"
The engineering student retorts "Well, I'm a third year engineering student and if you dont get his arse out of the river, you're gonna drain it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dth889/a_man_passes_out_while_swimming_in_a_river/
%
How do you make an Italian shut up

You tie their hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dth5g1/how_do_you_make_an_italian_shut_up/
%
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.

On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dth4ta/im_having_mixed_feelings_about_being_a_michael/
%
How much can you fit in a triple D bra?

Large quantitties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtgw6d/how_much_can_you_fit_in_a_triple_d_bra/
%
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."
"Sure," I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
"What a nice lady," I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth," she replied.
"Then why do you buy them?" I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtgt4o/so_i_was_sitting_on_the_bus_just_reading_a_book/
%
A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic...

Because they are more likely to be dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtgka0/a_new_study_shows_that_unvaccinated_children_are/
%
How do you turn a stew into gold?

Add 24 carrots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtghk7/how_do_you_turn_a_stew_into_gold/
%
When I was a kid we had fun rolling down hills in tires.

Those were goodyears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtggkt/when_i_was_a_kid_we_had_fun_rolling_down_hills_in/
%
What are you supposed to do with a dead chemist?

Barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtg4ux/what_are_you_supposed_to_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
%
A guy goes to a brothel.

A guy wants to go to a brothel. He arrives at the door and asks the guard :
"I want to check the services that this brothel offers"
"Sure man, the office is on the first door on the right"
The guard opens the door and guides him to the office.
The man behind the counter asks him:
"How can I help you,sir?"
"What kind of girls can i find here?"
"Anything you like ,sir. We have crazy ones , we have the ones that tie you up, we have the ones that like to get tied up, we have the ones that scream a lot"
"What do you recommend?"
"I can see that you are very undecided. For you sir i have just the right one. She's very quiet,doesn't talk, you can do it with her however you like and she will be fine with it."
"Ok perfect"
"But there's a catch. While you are in her room do not open the lights. that's how she likes it. You should not turn on the lights under no circumstance "
"I guess I can do that"
"Ok then , Let me just call Bob, the guard , to escort you to her room. HEY BOB! come escort this gentleman to room 40"
The guard escorts the man to the door and reminds him that he is not allowed to open the lights.The man goes in the room. After about a hour he goes back to the man at the office.
"How was the service ,sir?"
"It was great, the girl is amazing , she stayed exactly how i wanted , she didn't move, she didn't say a thing, it was perfect"
"I am glad you enjoyed it ,sir. Please do come and visit us again"
The man goes a few days in a row.
One day he goes at the office. "Hello again sir. The usual?"
"Yes please, the usual"
"Bob,please escort the gentleman."
"No no, There's no need. It's fine ,Bob, I know where it is"
After a hour the man returns to the office.
"How was it sir?"
"I must say i am a bit distraught"
"Why is that?. Did she say something to you?"
"Well.. as i was leaving the room the light from the hallway entered and I say a bit of her face. And i think I saw a tear running down her cheek. Are you keeping her here against her will?"
"No ,sir, how can you make such allegations? Did she speak to you? Did she say something to you?"
"No. It's just that i saw her a bit and I am worried for her"
"Relax sir there is nothing to worry about"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes , everything is fine"
"Ok. i feel better now. I think it's time I go."
After the man left, the guard closed the door after him and the man at the office said
"Bob, the body is full again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtg4sh/a_guy_goes_to_a_brothel/
%
Anti-vaxxers make me sick. They should be taken out back...

...and given shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtg3w1/antivaxxers_make_me_sick_they_should_be_taken_out/
%
A man died when a pile of books fell on him

He only had his shelf to blame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtfzp2/a_man_died_when_a_pile_of_books_fell_on_him/
%
Blonde at the super bowl

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their teams bench.
After the game he asked her how she liked it. “Oh I really liked it!” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...’Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back! I’m like..........hellooooooooo! It’s only 25 cents!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtfxoh/blonde_at_the_super_bowl/
%
I am so grateful to say I've been sober since 2015

Or for those that don't use military time, since 8:15 p.m. last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtfxj1/i_am_so_grateful_to_say_ive_been_sober_since_2015/
%
How much penance is there for a blow job?

A man is in confessional when the priest says "Hey, I've got really bad diarrhea, could I get you to take over for a bit?" The man says "I don't know what penance to ask for sins.", to which the priest replies "I have a list..." and opens the divider to show the man the list on the wall. "You just look up the sin, and tell them the penance, and absolve them." The man accepts a bit tentatively, and the priest ducks out and scurries off for the bathroom. Shortly after, another man comes in and sits down in the confessional, and the man covering says "Tell me your sins." The confessing man says "I cheated on my wife, by getting a blowjob from a woman at work..." The man covering for the priest searches and can't figure out a penance for a blowjob. He leans out of the confessional and waves over an altar boy, and asks "What does the father normally give for a blowjob?" to which the altar boy replies "Usually $5 and a candy bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtftvz/how_much_penance_is_there_for_a_blow_job/
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What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan

Cast iron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtfsom/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_wizard_hits_you_with_a/
%
Our wedding was beautiful.

Even our cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtfpl6/our_wedding_was_beautiful/
%
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and earth only has 1 star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtfjul/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system/
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A Finnish man died

His two Swedish friends are having a moment to remember him.
-You know...    ... he was pretty weird.
-What do you mean with that?
-He had 2 assholes.
-How do you know that?!
-Everytime we walked into the bar together the bartender said: "Here comes the Finn with the two assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtfemd/a_finnish_man_died/
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The kidnappers are blackmailing my dad to hand over his stone-cutting business for my safe return.

I was really taken for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtfaz6/the_kidnappers_are_blackmailing_my_dad_to_hand/
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Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.
Here is a list of naughty words you must avoid from now on:
1. Fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtf4ct/stop_using_naughty_words_or_else/
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When does an idea kill a vampire?

When it dawns on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtf3y3/when_does_an_idea_kill_a_vampire/
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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtexyi/people_always_ask_where_i_got_my_incredibly/
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtexp0/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter what you call him he won’t come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtexhj/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc.

The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtenzn/a_couple_was_going_out_for_the_evening_they_had/
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Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tatoo

But it wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the parlour was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtelnx/yesterday_i_went_to_a_temporary_tattoo_parlour/
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So what if I don't know what an apocalypse is?

It's not the end of the world!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtejbf/so_what_if_i_dont_know_what_an_apocalypse_is/
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Me:Hey bro someone said you sound like an Owl

Bro: Who?
Me: Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtecxs/mehey_bro_someone_said_you_sound_like_an_owl/
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What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-morse code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dte8rs/what_do_you_call_an_apology_written_in_dots_and/
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A man came out of a restaurant and found a cop writing a ticket for parking illegally.

So he told the cop "give me a break!"
The cop said "no way."
Then the man told him "you're a jerk!" and kept insulting him while the cop kept writing more and more tickets.
People started gathering around the car. One of them told the man "aren't you concerned about this pile of tickets?"
The man replied "Why would I care? I parked on the other side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dte81v/a_man_came_out_of_a_restaurant_and_found_a_cop/
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A sailor returns to the shore after a month at sea.

Sailor: "Land ho!"
Girlfriend: "If you keep calling me that I'm going to stop coming to meet you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dte4qn/a_sailor_returns_to_the_shore_after_a_month_at_sea/
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A Catholic priest and a Rabbi walk into a McDonald's

One day, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi walk into a McDonald's. The priest decides that he will order their meals while the Rabbi looks for a table. When the priest returns he hands the Rabbi a bacon cheeseburger. The next day the duo decide to go to McDonald's again but this time the Rabbi would order the food and the priest would look for a table. When the Rabbi returned with their food he handed the priest a happy meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtdqzb/a_catholic_priest_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a/
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Did you know Bill Cosby likes pudding?

Pudding his dick where it doesn't belong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtdo33/did_you_know_bill_cosby_likes_pudding/
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An upvote walks into a bar and says "What have you got that's new?".

"Just kidding, I'll have the usual."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtdk6a/an_upvote_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_what_have_you/
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I'm like a November afternoon ...

Short, not very bright, and I finish too soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtdjab/im_like_a_november_afternoon/
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It's great having a loose girlfriend!

But she's had her fun now, back in the cage she goes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtdffj/its_great_having_a_loose_girlfriend/
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Why is Mark Zuckerberg‘s face red after talking to a woman?

From the mace

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtdcha/why_is_mark_zuckerbergs_face_red_after_talking_to/
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You know what happened to humanity's most intelligent ancestor?

He decided having kids wasn't worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtd7ea/you_know_what_happened_to_humanitys_most/
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What do you call a constipated detective?

No-shit Sherlock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtd4dz/what_do_you_call_a_constipated_detective/
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I was talking to an Irish guy on the train.

He told that back in his hometown once he had met the most wealthiest man in all of Ireland.
I said "Oh, really?"
He said, "No, O'Reilly!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtd1yr/i_was_talking_to_an_irish_guy_on_the_train/
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How does NASA decorate the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

With the starship enter-prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtcwk6/how_does_nasa_decorate_the_astronauts_that_board/
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I'm trying to start a chewing gum recycling company...

I just need a little help getting it off the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtcvvh/im_trying_to_start_a_chewing_gum_recycling_company/
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Yesterday, I told my dad a joke about meat.

He said: a steak pun is a rare medium, well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtcis8/yesterday_i_told_my_dad_a_joke_about_meat/
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A man walks in on his wife in the bedroom

With a sheep under his arm, much to his wife's horror.
"honey, this is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
The wife angrily replied "well for a start, that's not a pig, you bloody idiot!"
"I wasn't talking to you!" he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtchzn/a_man_walks_in_on_his_wife_in_the_bedroom/
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My Nan has just been on the phone to say she's not returning from Australia because of all the ungrateful, useless kids back at home.

Boomer-rang doesnt come back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtcd3b/my_nan_has_just_been_on_the_phone_to_say_shes_not/
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Why are pencils and communism so similar?

They both only work on paper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtccqg/why_are_pencils_and_communism_so_similar/
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True story

My wife comes at home in a hurry:
**—** Honey, I'm late for my gynecologist appointment! Don't have time to shower and shave, I'll just wash down there and I'll go. 5 min later she rushes out the door.
When she comes back, she's angry as hell:
**—** That son of a bitch, he's been my doctor for ten years, one time I go without shaving, and he acts like a dick. Can u believe he actually said to me: Oh, misses C., you really prepared your self today for me! I'm never going there again! What a jerk!
In this angry eruption, my 4 y old daughter walks in the room:
**—** Hey mommy, did you see all the rainbow glitter I put in your towel when you were washing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtc75y/true_story/
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do you know how gandalf uses a urinal?

well first he opens his fly, you fools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtc2u6/do_you_know_how_gandalf_uses_a_urinal/
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How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

They won't change it, they will accept it for what it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtc202/how_many_millennials_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I used to randomly steal beverages off people...

In the end, it just wasn't my cup of tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtc1c7/i_used_to_randomly_steal_beverages_off_people/
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A Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar.

The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But... you did touch the glass!" exclaims the Englishman. The Scot replies: "Aye, that I did. Here's your quid, and thanks for the cheap whisky."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtbn3q/a_scot_and_an_englishman_walk_into_a_bar/
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Two guys walk into a bar

and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"
One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."
The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I'll take that bet."
So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket.
The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me."
He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.
When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, "Are you gentlemen ready for another?"
The same guy answers, "I'll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear."
The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy's left ear, his right ear, and says, "There's no way you've got an artificial ear. I'll take that bet."
The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in his mouth.
The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me again."
He brings the guys another pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.
A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100 bill on the bar saying, "I'll bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away."
The barkeep says, "It'll be worth $100 to see that so I bet you can't do it."
He puts his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back.
The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor.
The barkeep picks up the two $100 bills with a smile on his face, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is smiling and says, "I just made $100, you just LOST $100, why are you smiling??"
The drunk says, "you see they guy over there I've been drinking with all this time?
I just bet him $1,000 that I could come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you'd wipe it up with a smile on your face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtbj8q/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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Where can you find 6 easily?

Punjab, India.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtbh5v/where_can_you_find_6_easily/
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Three men walk into a bar

An Englishman, an Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar and sit down to have a pint together. As they're about to take their first drink a fly lands in each of their mugs.
The Englishman pushes his mug away in disgust and orders another pint.
The Irishman fishes the fly out and proceeds to drink the beer.
The Scotsman digs the fly out and starts shaking it over his mug yelling, "Spit it out ya bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtbgs9/three_men_walk_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear about the bald guy who cracked his skull?

Doctor said he had a receding hairline fracture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtbezr/did_you_hear_about_the_bald_guy_who_cracked_his/
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So I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtb929/so_i_woke_up_to_a_blowjob_this_morning/
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What's the difference between Mike Wazowski and a carrot?

One's a bunny feast, and the other is a funny beast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtb7dm/whats_the_difference_between_mike_wazowski_and_a/
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God walks into a DIY store in Lancashire looking for an ornamental well for the garden of Eden. Not sure where to look, he seeks a cashier for directions...

Before god says a word, the cashier recognises the big guy and says "well, I'll be!"
God replies "I thought I was the only one with super powers?! Thanks." and off he goes to the second isle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtasgx/god_walks_into_a_diy_store_in_lancashire_looking/
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Did you hear Papa John got fired?

He’s now just a pizza history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dtapc4/did_you_hear_papa_john_got_fired/
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A good accountant says 2+2=4, a bad accountant 2+2=5, a great accountant

Asks what you want 2+2 equal to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dta9tm/a_good_accountant_says_224_a_bad_accountant_225_a/
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Why don't healthy cannibals eat obese transsexuals?

Too much transfat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dta49l/why_dont_healthy_cannibals_eat_obese_transsexuals/
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What kinda person doesn’t like pizza?

A weirdough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dta3sh/what_kinda_person_doesnt_like_pizza/
%
3d printers can now print guns.

No big deal, I've had a Cannon printer for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt9y0l/3d_printers_can_now_print_guns/
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I tried opening a bag of Lays, but it exploded all over me.

I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt9qar/i_tried_opening_a_bag_of_lays_but_it_exploded_all/
%
A man goes to the Doctor for a prostate exam.

The Doctor puts on his rubber glove and the man bends down. The Doctor sticks his finger and proceeds with the checkup. After about a minute the Doctor says:
\- Don't worry, it's very normal to get an erection during this exam.
The man replies:
\- But I don't have an erection.
\- I know, but I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt9iaa/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_prostate_exam/
%
I really owe a lot to sidewalks.

They've been keeping me off the streets for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt9h4w/i_really_owe_a_lot_to_sidewalks/
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So many items are no longer made in America...

I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”...
I don’t even know where that is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt9ag6/so_many_items_are_no_longer_made_in_america/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar..

They sit down together and order some pints.
As they're about to take their first drink a fly lands in each of their mugs.
The Englishman turns up his nose in disgust and pushes his mug away.. muttering to himself as he orders another pint.
The Irishman fishes the fly out, kisses it on the mouth and proceeds to drink the beer.
The Scotsman digs the fly out and starts shaking it over his mug yelling, "Spit it out ya bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt98nq/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_scotsman_walk_into/
%
Did you hear about the famous Chinese restaurant run by a father and his mentally challenged kid?

Ya, people really loved his dim son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt93f0/did_you_hear_about_the_famous_chinese_restaurant/
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My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.

Im worried shitless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt922d/my_doctor_diagnosed_me_with_anxiety_and/
%
A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a move for her boobs.
She stops him and says "Tommy I don't know,I'm a little nervous about this. What will you think of me?".
Tommy says "don't worry Lucy,it's just a little harmless fun. I really like you and I respect you and want to experience more with you".
Lucy thinks about this and says "ok but we had alot to drink earlier,let me just take a pee in the bushes over there first".
Tommy agrees and waits patiently in the car. After a few minutes his horniness gets the better of him and he decides to sneak up on Lucy from behind  and finds her squatting in the bushes. He decides to grab a handful of pussy while she's down there but instead ends up gripping a long hanging dong.
"Jesus you're a man!!!!" He screams.
Lucy calmly says "no,I just decided to take a shit too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt8qaa/a_guy_and_a_girl_are_on_their_third_date/
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Customer: I have a question about the menu please.

Server: *slaps customer* THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt8q4n/customer_i_have_a_question_about_the_menu_please/
%
Mickey Mouse got a call from his lawyer,

"Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie just because she's 'extremely silly'!"
"I didn't say she was extremely silly.  I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt8pa3/mickey_mouse_got_a_call_from_his_lawyer/
%
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"That's my boy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt8gy0/a_young_cowboy_from_montana_goes_off_to_college/
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A drunk Turkish guy in Berlin bar is yelling :

" We are the largest minority in Germany, no one can fuck with us ! "
And some granny turns around on her seat looking at him dead serious and says:
" There were also six million Jews ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt8guu/a_drunk_turkish_guy_in_berlin_bar_is_yelling/
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My wife told me a small penis isn’t as big of a problem as most people think...

I would just prefer if she didn’t have one at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt8fuu/my_wife_told_me_a_small_penis_isnt_as_big_of_a/
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What do call a prostitute who prefers British pound as primary payment method?

A quid pro ho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt836p/what_do_call_a_prostitute_who_prefers_british/
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After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.
“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”
That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.
“What are you doing?”
“Counting your ribs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt800p/after_adam_stayed_out_late_a_few_nights_eve/
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What’s the scariest thing to read in Braille?

Do not touch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt7xxm/whats_the_scariest_thing_to_read_in_braille/
%
I'm so used to my separation anxiety,

I couldn't see myself without it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt7w4f/im_so_used_to_my_separation_anxiety/
%
I’m not saying that they are lying...

I’m just having a really hard time believing that  Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt7ktw/im_not_saying_that_they_are_lying/
%
The King asked his squire how many troops were in his army.

"384 m'lord" said the squire.
"Very well. Round them up immediately!" said the King.
"400 m'lord!" said the squire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt7h9t/the_king_asked_his_squire_how_many_troops_were_in/
%
A horse broke into my room while I was asleep.

It was a nightmare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt7gkm/a_horse_broke_into_my_room_while_i_was_asleep/
%
What sexual orientation is a prostitute?

Buy-sexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt7c32/what_sexual_orientation_is_a_prostitute/
%
I was bragging to my friends about how I had a date coming up with this hot girl...

My friends laughed and made fun of me, saying that she probably doesn't even exist.
But the joke's on them, because they don't exist either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt79va/i_was_bragging_to_my_friends_about_how_i_had_a/
%
Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day

Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt743d/tell_a_man_a_joke_he_will_laugh_for_a_day/
%
My wife is carrying our first child…

He’s 8, the lazy little fucker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt6vb1/my_wife_is_carrying_our_first_child/
%
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?

Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt6qwr/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
Everyone who hates speeding tickets

Raise your right foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt6p7y/everyone_who_hates_speeding_tickets/
%
A guy takes a girl home

Once there, she takes off her clothes, throws herself on the bed and yells:
\- Come! Make me feel like a woman!
He stares, takes off his clothes, throws them on the bed and says:
\- Wash them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt6n1z/a_guy_takes_a_girl_home/
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What do you say when everyone goes home after an orgy?

Thanks for coming everybody!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt6lp7/what_do_you_say_when_everyone_goes_home_after_an/
%
The one thing that always pestered me about In-N-Out Burger...

Is the fact it is no longer a burger going Out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt6c68/the_one_thing_that_always_pestered_me_about/
%
On my way to go hunting I saw a sign that said "Bear Left"

so I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt688g/on_my_way_to_go_hunting_i_saw_a_sign_that_said/
%
A fox is trying to relax on his day off and decides to smoke a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.
"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"
The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking habit now that the rabbit made such a fuss, decides "What the hell. Maybe you're right. Okay fuck this stuff, let's go for a run!" And rips the paper and throws the weed away, and they both take off on their run.
A bit farther down the path, they run into a deer. When they get closer, they notice the deer is in the process of rolling up a joint. Instantly the rabbit stops in front of the deer.
"Hey deer! What you doing bro? Getting high? You're wasting your life away! Come with us. Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"
The deer, nervous from being called out by his peers, and not wanting to be the only loser using drugs, decides "You guys are right. What's the point? This is a habit I need to kick!" And rips the paper and throws the weed away, and the three take off on their run.
A bit farther down the path, they run into a squirrel, in his tiny little hands is a tiny little paper and a tiny amount of weed, in the process of being rolled into a tiny little joint. The rabbit, being at the front of the group, stops right in front of the squirrel.
"Hey squirrel! What you doing bro? Drugs again? Aren't you bored of the same old shit? Come with us, bro. Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"
The squirrel, being a friend of the deer and the fox, and painfully aware that he usually gets invitations from them to smoke and he never returns the favor, curses his own selfishness and decides "You guys are right. This isn't who I want to be. Enough of this!" And rips the tiny paper and throws the bit of weed away, and the four take off on their run.
A bit further down the path, as they get closer to a clearing, they start to smell the stench of Marijuana. When they arrive at the clearing they see a monkey with a bong in his hand letting out a massive cloud of smoke, and when he notices the rabbit, he immediately starts giggling.
"Oh, rabbit!" He says, when the giggles subside. "You always do this! Every time I get you high, you take off running!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt61yy/a_fox_is_trying_to_relax_on_his_day_off_and/
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Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

Now, you can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt60j0/two_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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I hate autocorrect on my phone......

It just text my mate,
"Fancy going for a wank, down the canal?"
It was supposed to say river.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt5xln/i_hate_autocorrect_on_my_phone/
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No Nut November is gonna be super easy

I never eat nuts.
Eating nuts just cuts into masturbation time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt5x9x/no_nut_november_is_gonna_be_super_easy/
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Before the cross bow was invented

Most bows were actually pretty happy guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt5jv7/before_the_cross_bow_was_invented/
%
Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

And I didn’t steal the joke because it’s **our** joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt5h55/communism_jokes_arent_funny_unless_everyone_gets/
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If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...

That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt5gbq/if_you_ever_become_depressed_try_drinking_a/
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Why did the police arrest the turkey?

They suspected fowl play.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt5d62/why_did_the_police_arrest_the_turkey/
%
Just a talk with my friend

We were having a discussion after he had a fight with his girlfriend and then he came up with this.
‘my girlfriend and my sister have the same name its so annoying.... everytime we have sex i think about my girlfriend’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt5cxk/just_a_talk_with_my_friend/
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Boomers: kids these days don't know what books are.

**Gen Z:** We're literally using the same textbooks you had. My math book references West Germany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt52a6/boomers_kids_these_days_dont_know_what_books_are/
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A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are all drinking tea...

and they each put an odd number of spoons of sugar into their tea and yet the total number of spoons of sugar added is even. How is this even possible?
Well the Englishman puts in one spoon of sugar, the Irishman also puts in one spoon of sugar and the Scotsman put in thirty which I’m sure you would all agree is a very odd amount indeed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt4yph/a_scotsman_englishman_and_irishman_are_all/
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A navy seal walks into a bar

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Navy man smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt4w4w/a_navy_seal_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why are dogs bad dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt4r8w/why_are_dogs_bad_dancers/
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A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar...

As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!”
The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt4qef/a_scotsman_and_irishman_walk_into_a_bar/
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Some people are like slinkies

not really good for much, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt4pgi/some_people_are_like_slinkies/
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Death Stranding is not a video game...

it's a Hideo game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt4mih/death_stranding_is_not_a_video_game/
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My brother and I sell marijuana.

We keep out money in a joint account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt4lwu/my_brother_and_i_sell_marijuana/
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How do you make 7 even?

By removing the S.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt47w8/how_do_you_make_7_even/
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A joke my dad told me

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry . Paddy consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Marks and Spencer’s and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Marks and Spencer’s had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Paddy unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Paddy sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Patrick
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt41p9/a_joke_my_dad_told_me/
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I once got in a rap battle with a peanut.

He was roasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt3xqj/i_once_got_in_a_rap_battle_with_a_peanut/
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My friend said they should make "Red Dead Redemption Remastered". I said that sounds laughable.

"RDRR"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt3xkh/my_friend_said_they_should_make_red_dead/
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Queen's Infidelities

A king is going to war and he knows his queen has overactive sexual needs... Furthermore, he is skeptical about the loyalty of his four servants.
To find out who will not have sex with the queen, he hides a blade inside the queen's vagina and goes to war.
Immediately after returning, he lines up his four servants and asks them to drop their pants. They comply with the order.
All the servants have their penises cut off except one, whose penis has no scars / scratches / cuts of any kind.
Impressed by his faithfulness, the king says, "You are my most loyal man. I am granting you a quarter of the castle as a reward. What do you have to say about that?"
Upon hearing that, the servant smiles and nods.
The king wants to hear a thank you, so he insists, "Well, aren't you going to thank me for the generous offer?".
The servant takes a big gulp and responds, "AA AA AA".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt3urt/queens_infidelities/
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"Age is just a number"

False. Age is a word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt3p8y/age_is_just_a_number/
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Favorite Joke by Dad Verbatim

A joke my dad told 30 years ago:
A handicapped guy with a hair lip goes looking for a job. He comes across a toothbrush company and applies for a job. The manager looks at him and says "we sell toothbrushes here, do you think you can do that?"
"Yeth thir, I'll dooo my best." Guy goes out and sells and comes back and the manager asks "how many did you sell today?"
I sold fiiiive toothbrushes!
Five toothbrushes? You're going to have to do better to keep this job.
Sowwy thir I'll do my best! Next day guy goes out and sells and comes back and the manager asks how he did today.
I sold teeennnn toothbrushes!
10 toothbrushes? Look guy, imma give you one more chance but you have to do better than that.
Sowwy thir I'll do my best! Guy goes out and sells comes back, manager sighs "Ok......, how many did you sell today?"
I sold fiiiiive thousands toothbrushes!
5k toothbrushes? That's a record! How'd you do that?
Well I went to mall and set up a kiosk, I had a huge bowl of chips and dip and when the customer would take a chip and have some dip they'd said "ugh dis tastes like shit!" And I said "it is shit, want to buy a toothbrush?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt3mt8/favorite_joke_by_dad_verbatim/
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What's T.I.'s favourite game?

Hymen seek.
(But seriously, f*ck that guy)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt3d3b/whats_tis_favourite_game/
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3 wives walk into a bar.

Three wives walk into a bar talking about their sex life. The first one smiles and mentions she can fit a cucumber. The second one, not so impressed, says she could fit her whole arm, then, both of them turn to ask the third one, but she was sliding down the stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt3bp0/3_wives_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why do balloons have a bad temper?

Because they are always blowing up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt36lx/why_do_balloons_have_a_bad_temper/
%
A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

The dock hand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”
“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”
“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dock hand.
“I don’t HAVE one!” shouted the sailor.
The dock hand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said: “Well, why don’t you just find something that approximates a tie. That should be OK.”
After some time, the sailor comes out with a pair of jumper cables. “This is all I could find to put around my neck,” he said.
Sighing, the dock hand said: “OK, I’ll let you in with those, but just don’t start anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt2sv6/a_sailor_brings_his_boat_up_to_a_restaurant_dock/
%
"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt2oh1/mom_im_dating_a_man/
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Who' there?

* Me: Knock Knock
* Myself: Who's there
* Me: Deja
* Myself: Deja who
* Me: Knock Knock...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt2jou/who_there/
%
Why do people love whiteboards so much?

They're just remarkable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt2hmq/why_do_people_love_whiteboards_so_much/
%
What do call it when your child teaches you something about the environment?

Instant Greta-fication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt2eb1/what_do_call_it_when_your_child_teaches_you/
%
My friend is learning to write code and he just lost an eye..

He wants to write a patch but he can’t see sharp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt27ht/my_friend_is_learning_to_write_code_and_he_just/
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You're Russian when you head to the bathroom, and you're American when you come out of the bathroom. What are you in the bathroom?

European.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt25eb/youre_russian_when_you_head_to_the_bathroom_and/
%
My father is a Brexit negotiator.

As was his father before him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt1qsm/my_father_is_a_brexit_negotiator/
%
What's Irish and sits on the porch?

Paddy O'furniture
(Shanelessly stolen off a sign in College Station, TX)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt1ltw/whats_irish_and_sits_on_the_porch/
%
In the South, what's the difference between and tornado and a divorce?

Nothing. Either way someone is losing a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt1bk6/in_the_south_whats_the_difference_between_and/
%
It's not winter until the geese are done flying...

And the tweakers strip all the copper out of air conditioning units.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt0rho/its_not_winter_until_the_geese_are_done_flying/
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At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and proclaims, "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,"If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex."
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead in the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt0iz5/at_sunday_church_the_local_vicar_explains_that_he/
%
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby.

For instance my name, address and telephone number!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt0bqr/so_much_has_changed_since_my_girlfriend_told_me/
%
A naked women robbed a bank.

Nobody could remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt0axo/a_naked_women_robbed_a_bank/
%
My grandpa told me to not be so reliant on technology

So I unplugged his life support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt09jy/my_grandpa_told_me_to_not_be_so_reliant_on/
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I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt09fj/i_called_a_suicide_hotline_in_iraq/
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It’s inappropriate to make dad jokes if you’re not a father....

It’s a faux-pa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt05ga/its_inappropriate_to_make_dad_jokes_if_youre_not/
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Help! Short Military Jokes Needed

Presenting to a group of a couple hundred for Veterans Day and am looking to add a few jokes between presentations. Looking to poke fun at the different services with quick 2-3 sentence jokes. Anyone have an good quick jabs or jokes they could share?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dt04z3/help_short_military_jokes_needed/
%
My boyfriend wanted to do anal, but I told him no way, go find yourself a woman who's into that. And he said,

"Harry, we're gay. Now bend over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dszwem/my_boyfriend_wanted_to_do_anal_but_i_told_him_no/
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Y'all ever just stop & think about all of the amazing, world changing, discoveries/inventions we use every day? Fire, the internet, refrigeration, the wheel, the combustion engine. My favorite invention?

The shovel. That was truly groundbreaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsztnv/yall_ever_just_stop_think_about_all_of_the/
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I was sitting on the bus, next to this lady when I turned to her and said, "Hey lady, can I smell your feet?" She became offended and replied, "OF COURSE NOT!"

"Then it must be your pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsztgc/i_was_sitting_on_the_bus_next_to_this_lady_when_i/
%
What did the ghost teacher say to his students?

Look up at the board and I will go through it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dszrwh/what_did_the_ghost_teacher_say_to_his_students/
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There are 2 types of people in the world:

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dszmhs/there_are_2_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
Do you want to hear a joke about cats?

Just kitten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dszlvy/do_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_cats/
%
Two managing directors ...

Two managing directors are talking. "Tell me, Eric. How do you get your employees to show up so early every morning?"
Eric: "Very simple. I have 50 employees but only 40 parking spaces".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dszlsr/two_managing_directors/
%
The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Jose, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that? " she demanded.
Jose put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836.
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Jose answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Jose jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Jose whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws an eraser at Jose, someone shouted "Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
Jose: "Dick Cheney, 2006 "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dszkde/the_1st_day_at_school_the_new_student_named_jose/
%
It takes a big man to admit he's wrong...

But it takes a bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dszerf/it_takes_a_big_man_to_admit_hes_wrong/
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What do you get if you spell man backwards?

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dszdnz/what_do_you_get_if_you_spell_man_backwards/
%
I saw this hot chick in the park. Sparks flew and we were having sex in no time

Man I love my taser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsz6pj/i_saw_this_hot_chick_in_the_park_sparks_flew_and/
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Ageing has caused me to need glasses.

Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsz4my/ageing_has_caused_me_to_need_glasses/
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A rope walks into a bar...

This rope has seen years of hard work, is severely tangled and splitting, and well past it's prime. The rope just lays on the ground.
The bartender rushes over, "Sir, can you stand up?"
"I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsz440/a_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My wife just asked, "What was Jesus' full name?"

So I dropped a bowling ball on her foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsz3a9/my_wife_just_asked_what_was_jesus_full_name/
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A rope walks into a bar

The bartender says that ropes aren’t allowed and the rope has to leave
The rope leaves and ties himself into a knot
He walks back in and the bartender asks if he was the same rope from before
The rope said, “No, I’m knot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsz1q4/a_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man robbed me with milk and cream today.

How dairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsyyog/a_man_robbed_me_with_milk_and_cream_today/
%
Whats the name of Xi Jinpings successor?

Xii Jinping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsyylt/whats_the_name_of_xi_jinpings_successor/
%
What's Beethoven doing in his grave?

De-composing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsyx54/whats_beethoven_doing_in_his_grave/
%
What was the earthquakes punishment

It was grounded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsyv8k/what_was_the_earthquakes_punishment/
%
I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!

it writes other words too but that's my favorite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsyryh/i_just_bought_this_cool_pen_that_writes_underwater/
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Dear customers,

To whom it may concern, starting from next week you must ask for viagra by it’s chemical name.
Please ask for mycoxaflophin. Thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsy7e9/dear_customers/
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I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsy7a6/i_keep_seeing_the_quote_on_womens_tinder_profiles/
%
Four Engineers

4 Engineers get into a car. A Mechanical Engineer, a Petroleum Engineer,  an Electrical  Engineer,  and a Network Engineer.  They go to start the car and nothing. The Mechanical Engineer says, "Hey guys, we've got a bad starter, we're going to need to fix that before the car will start." The Petroleum Engineer spoke up and said, "No No, we've got bad fuel, we'll  need to drop the fuel tank, drain and clean it before the car will start." The Electrical Engineer speaks up and said, "Guys, it's a dead battery. Dont over complicate things. Let's swap it out and be on our way already!" The Network Engineer is sitting in the back just listening to everyone argue about who is right, and finally speaks up and says, " Guys, Guys! Why don't we all just try to get out of car, and then get back in and try again?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsy4zm/four_engineers/
%
I went to a church last Sunday, and instead of handing out bread and wine for communion, they gave me a cheeseburger.

They called it Angus Dei.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsy3ip/i_went_to_a_church_last_sunday_and_instead_of/
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Who’s a chickens favorite musician?

Bach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsxypi/whos_a_chickens_favorite_musician/
%
At 59 I'm having the best sex of my life.

Which is a bit awkward, because I live in appartment 57.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsxtqj/at_59_im_having_the_best_sex_of_my_life/
%
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

If they had 4, they would be a sedan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsxjqa/why_do_chicken_coops_have_2_doors/
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Guy is fed up that his girlfriend spreads her legs during the night, taking so much space in bed.

"I read that if you keep doing that, all your guts are going to come out during the night", he says
\- no way, you're talking bullshit...
Some time passes. Guy's so fed up, he goes to a butcher and buys all kinds of animal intestines and puts it between the gf legs while she's asleep, right before leaving.
When he comes home she goes
\- hey honey, you were right about the guts coming out, you know?
"Oh dear, did it hurt?"
\- well, I didn't feel anything when they came out, but it sure hurt as hell when I put them back in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsxfb8/guy_is_fed_up_that_his_girlfriend_spreads_her/
%
Grandpa and Grandma are sitting on a bench in the park

they hear the jingle of the icecream salesman.
Grandma says : "I'd like some vanilla icecream."
Grandpa says: "Good idea, I'd also like some chocolate icecream".
Grandma stands up and says: "I'll go get some."
"You should write it, Grandma, you know your memory is not what it was... you'll forget !"
"Don't worry Grandpa, I won't, it's easy : vanilla, chocolate. Vanilla, Chocolate..."
And thus Grandma leaves Grandpa while singsonging "Vanilla, Chocolate ..."
A while later, Grandma comes back with a couple of hotdogs in her hands.
"Grandma ! what did you take ??? "
"Look Grandpa, I took two ketchup hot-dogs !"
"Grandma... I told you to write it down ! I knew you'd forget the mustard !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsxdvt/grandpa_and_grandma_are_sitting_on_a_bench_in_the/
%
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"
"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsx6pl/a_shy_priest_greets_the_wedding_guests_to_the/
%
I don't get why people are going on about no nut November

It's like any other month if you are married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsx1v0/i_dont_get_why_people_are_going_on_about_no_nut/
%
Have you ever heard the music for Super Mario Galaxy?

It’s out of this world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dswzmt/have_you_ever_heard_the_music_for_super_mario/
%
I always make jokes about 90s Mercedes race cars, but no one understands them.

I guess it just flies over there heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dswxzq/i_always_make_jokes_about_90s_mercedes_race_cars/
%
I went to the zoo today but there was only one animal.

It was a Shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dswtow/i_went_to_the_zoo_today_but_there_was_only_one/
%
It’s probably not safe for me to drive my car right now.

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsws9t/its_probably_not_safe_for_me_to_drive_my_car/
%
Why are Muslims always angry

Because they have a short fuse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dswm92/why_are_muslims_always_angry/
%
What do you call a Bisexual thats been single for way too long

on standBi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dswjwe/what_do_you_call_a_bisexual_thats_been_single_for/
%
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your laundry.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dswgsp/i_was_sitting_on_a_bus_with_a_friend_and_he_told/
%
So I have a 10 page paper to write...

I'm the joke. I've been procrastinating since 2AM.
Edit 2: Done!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsw843/so_i_have_a_10_page_paper_to_write/
%
Two submarines are trying to win a competition

Each one of them has to try and hit objects that are smaller and smaller in size.
Every day they choose an object in the ocean, and declare that the objective before trying to hit it:
*"Today we'll hit that sunken ship"* and off they go.
Then it's the other team's turn:
*"We'll go for that shark carcass"* and they launch their submarine towards it.
Every day the challenge gets more complicated, until one day the captain of one team sees a book floating in the depth of the ocean, with its cover missing, and proudly declares:
*"This sub will hit the front page today"*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsw82s/two_submarines_are_trying_to_win_a_competition/
%
Steve Harvey follows in George Foreman's footsteps and starts a kitchen appliances brand

His first item: the Stove Harvey.
^^Sorry ^^its ^^5AM ^^and ^^I've ^^been ^^awake ^^since ^^2AM ^^writing ^^a ^^10 ^^page ^^essay ^^and ^^am ^^trying ^^to ^^procrastinate. ^^I'm ^^sleep ^^deprived ^^and ^^this ^^is ^^funny. ^^I'll ^^let ^^myself ^^out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsw5za/steve_harvey_follows_in_george_foremans_footsteps/
%
I used to be an adventurer until I went to Antarctica

Thats when things went south

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsw536/i_used_to_be_an_adventurer_until_i_went_to/
%
The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just

a whim away, a whim away, a whim way, a whim away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsw3ew/the_urge_to_sing_the_lion_sleeps_tonight_is_just/
%
I visited a monastery the other day...

....and as I walked passed the kitchen, I saw a man frying chips. I asked him, "Are you the Friar?" He replied, "No, I'm the chip monk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsw2s0/i_visited_a_monastery_the_other_day/
%
A man goes to the doctor with a strange growth on his forehead

After a thorough examination, the doctor informs him that a penis is growing from his forehead.
Enraged, the man states, “you’re telling me I’ll have to look at this thing dangling in front of my face forever?”
To which the doctor replied, “oh no, once the balls come in you won’t see a thing!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsvvwa/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_with_a_strange_growth_on/
%
Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim.

That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsvi25/instead_of_calling_it_the_john_im_going_to_start/
%
Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr Baker was probably a baker. Mr Butcher was probably a butcher.

And then there was Mr Dickinson…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsvh8m/ever_wonder_where_people_got_their_surnames_mr/
%
A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.

"Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking commented. "Is it male or
female?"
"Female!" the bloke beamed.
"How do you know" his mate enquired.
"Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty
people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt on the camel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsvfv9/a_bloke_buys_a_camel_from_some_shonk_on_a_street/
%
What do you have when your mother in law is up to her neck in cement?

Not enough cement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsv600/what_do_you_have_when_your_mother_in_law_is_up_to/
%
Why did the seamen cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong pair of socks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsv5w7/why_did_the_seamen_cross_the_road/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered six-offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsv00d/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsuyps/im_a_supervillain_from_italy_i_have_the_power_to/
%
There was an explosion in the cheese factory!

All that was left was *de-brie*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsuvky/there_was_an_explosion_in_the_cheese_factory/
%
What’s the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

Scissors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsuuxw/whats_the_fastest_way_to_get_rid_of_a_boner/
%
I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday

I felt it was the least I could do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsuq4d/i_spotted_an_albino_dalmatian_yesterday/
%
When someone says,"Rape jokes are not funny," I don't care.

It's not like I asked for their consent anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsuk3x/when_someone_saysrape_jokes_are_not_funny_i_dont/
%
The ISIS leader has been killed

Now the organisation is called as WASWAS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsuff1/the_isis_leader_has_been_killed/
%
I went to the doctor because I had a stomach ache and he said I was constipated

I was like, “huh, no shit?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsubzv/i_went_to_the_doctor_because_i_had_a_stomach_ache/
%
TVs are getting thinner but people are getting fatter

So everyone is still the same distance from the screen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsu5my/tvs_are_getting_thinner_but_people_are_getting/
%
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!
In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began writing in the answers.
"This is fantastic!” the gentleman mused. “I’m really good at crosswords!”
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”
The three Cardinals behind, in front of, and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.
The gentleman was in morbid shock.
He couldn’t breathe.
He thought within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, “I believe, Your Holiness, that you’re looking for the word, 'aunt’.”
“Of course!” the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. “You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsu0ma/a_guy_was_boarding_a_plane_when_he_heard_that_the/
%
Why should you always be sure to pay an exorcist for their work?

Because if you don't, they'll repossess the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dstzhi/why_should_you_always_be_sure_to_pay_an_exorcist/
%
What do you call a witty comeback you see on r/jokes?

A riposte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dstylu/what_do_you_call_a_witty_comeback_you_see_on/
%
Once I farted in a Microsoft store

Luckily, they had Windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dstnyf/once_i_farted_in_a_microsoft_store/
%
If you are looking for a witty guy with abandonment issues

Then look no father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dstbry/if_you_are_looking_for_a_witty_guy_with/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Guitar lesson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsspjm/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
I have separation anxiety

I can't see myself without it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsspaw/i_have_separation_anxiety/
%
Sometimes I wish I was a Tree

So I could make a living from all the exposure I get from an unpaid internship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsskl2/sometimes_i_wish_i_was_a_tree/
%
Who are the worlds fastest readers

The 911 jumpers, one hundred stories in a few seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dssgh9/who_are_the_worlds_fastest_readers/
%
What do you call a firework that's not very impressive?

Ok boomer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dssctj/what_do_you_call_a_firework_thats_not_very/
%
What did Cinderalla do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsscqz/what_did_cinderalla_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dssc4s/i_told_my_friend_that_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
%
So, I felt depressed and decided to call the Tinnitus Helpline

But it just kept on ringing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dssbsr/so_i_felt_depressed_and_decided_to_call_the/
%
The wife and I dressed as Peruvian owls for Halloween.

We were Inca hoots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dss280/the_wife_and_i_dressed_as_peruvian_owls_for/
%
What is the difference between mathematicians and chemists?

Mathematicians have problems. Chemists have solutions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsrxwz/what_is_the_difference_between_mathematicians_and/
%
What do the Hungarians cook for Halloween?

Ghoulash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsrxj0/what_do_the_hungarians_cook_for_halloween/
%
A bigot, a liar, and a rapist walk into a bar

The bartender asks, "what'll it be, Mr. President?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsrx8x/a_bigot_a_liar_and_a_rapist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A guy is sitting at the doctor's office.

The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."
"I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?"
"Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsrs9l/a_guy_is_sitting_at_the_doctors_office/
%
Why was 6 sad about the fact that 7 8 9?

Because 6 and 9 had a special relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsrr9z/why_was_6_sad_about_the_fact_that_7_8_9/
%
I use the word 'beaucoup' when speaking with my French friends.

It means a lot to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsronf/i_use_the_word_beaucoup_when_speaking_with_my/
%
[first day as a pilot]

me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsrmc5/first_day_as_a_pilot/
%
Some people like incest jokes. Some people don't.

Its all relative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsrlr6/some_people_like_incest_jokes_some_people_dont/
%
I gave my wife an orgasm this morning :)

Ungrateful bitch spit it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsrjuo/i_gave_my_wife_an_orgasm_this_morning/
%
I'm told I have a hard time expressing my emotions

I can't say I'm suprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsrdxd/im_told_i_have_a_hard_time_expressing_my_emotions/
%
How come HIV isn't a major cause of depression?

Because it's not that hard to stay positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsrb6p/how_come_hiv_isnt_a_major_cause_of_depression/
%
Why are Americans so stupid?

Because it’s only the ones who skip school who survive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsr7bt/why_are_americans_so_stupid/
%
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsr3mm/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
%
what do you call the kid from avatar when he grows old?

Boomerang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsr2a2/what_do_you_call_the_kid_from_avatar_when_he/
%
I drew a picture of a skinned fish.

It’s not a scale drawing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsr11r/i_drew_a_picture_of_a_skinned_fish/
%
It's no wonder women love chocolate so much. Their pronouns give it away.

Her/she

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsr0eu/its_no_wonder_women_love_chocolate_so_much_their/
%
The bus driver, the hippy, and the nun.

A bus driver, a hippy, and a nun are all on the bus as it comes to a stop. As the nun is getting off the hippy says to her “I am going to have sex with you.” The nun replies “like hell you are and leaves.” The buss driver says “do you see that grave site over there?” Hippy replays “yes.” “Well every night at 8:00 PM the nun goes over there to pray. If you dress like a ghost and command her to do something she will do it.” Later that night at 8:00 PM the nun shows and starts to pray as expected. The hippy jumps out and says “You must have sex with me.” The nun replays “ok but I made a vow to god to never loose my virginity so I must do anal.” After getting done with their business the hippy pulls of his mask and say “Ha! I'm The Hippy.” The nun pulls off a mask and yells “I'm The Bus Driver.”
Not sure where I heard this from but found it in my phones notes and decided to share it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsqyw2/the_bus_driver_the_hippy_and_the_nun/
%
What do you do with a stupid bug that leads his colony into a bed of hot coals

Fire retardant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsqxzo/what_do_you_do_with_a_stupid_bug_that_leads_his/
%
A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.
Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?
Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?
Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?
Man: Yeah, I drank way too much actually.
Satan: Well, every Wednesday, we fill Hell end to end with beer, liquor, wine, and other alcoholic drink you haven't even begun to imagine! You can drink and drink until you puke, then drink some more! And you don't have worry about alcohol poisoning, because you're already dead.
Man: Wednesdays sound fun. What about illegal drugs? I did a lot of those too.
Satan: You're in luck! Every Thursday, Hell is stacked miles high with every kind of mind-altering drug you can imagine. Uppers, downers, hallucinogens, and more. You can consume as much as you want, then take more! A you don't have to worry about overdosing, because you're already dead.
Man: Hell sounds all right!
Satan: Yes! When you were alive, were you gay?
Man: No, I'm straight.
Satan: ...Oh man, you're going to HATE Fridays!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsqxll/a_man_dies_and_finds_himself_in_hell/
%
I dated a communist once

She told me to seize her means of reproduction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsqxch/i_dated_a_communist_once/
%
What do you call a gremlin addicted to the taste of blood?

A hemogoblin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsqu8d/what_do_you_call_a_gremlin_addicted_to_the_taste/
%
My dad always said to "fight fire with fire."

We weren't very surprised when he got fired from the fire department...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsqbbz/my_dad_always_said_to_fight_fire_with_fire/
%
An 18 year-old Italian girl missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed Jeffrey Epstien didn't kill himself  in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsq1fy/an_18_yearold_italian_girl_missed_her_period_for/
%
Screw

A man, tired after a long day's work, walks into a bar. He doesn't see any menus, signage, or anything to indicate a price for the products behind the bar. So, he asks the bartender. "How much for a beer?"
The bartender looks to the ceiling for a moment, before replying. "One dollar and it comes with your choice of twelve top shelf bottles."
The man can't help but grin. "How much for a salad?"
"One dollar, comes with a selection of unopened vintage wines."
"How 'bout a couple fish tacos?"
"One dollar. Plus everything in the well."
"Oh, and an entire cheesecake for dessert."
"Free. I just fucking hate cheesecake."
The man chuckles. "Wow, this place is awesome. I wish I could meet the owner."
The bartender grins as he pours the man's drink. "He's upstairs in his office with my girlfriend."
The main raises an inquisitive eyebrow. "What's he doing up there with her?"
After a moment, the bartender gestures to the collection of liquors he's placed in front of the man. "The same thing I'm doing with his business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dspu85/screw/
%
I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance,
so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dspqf8/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_bank_today/
%
What did the sub atomic duck say to the other sub atomic ducks?

Quark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dspnkm/what_did_the_sub_atomic_duck_say_to_the_other_sub/
%
A new doctor came into town and set up shop 4 months ago.

I’m a doctor too, so I was worried about losing any of my clientele. Sure enough, some of my regulars failed to reschedule appointments and I started getting faxed requests to send their medical records over to this new doctor.
After a few months had passed, things weren’t improving and appointments scheduled with me had reduced by 37%. I was furious.
I called the other doctor’s office to give him a piece of my mind, but even their on-hold message was taunting me: “Thank you for your patients”. The nerve of this guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dspjwf/a_new_doctor_came_into_town_and_set_up_shop_4/
%
What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsp8h6/what_did_one_eye_say_to_the_other/
%
What’s the difference between a feminazi and Hitler?

Hitler only had half a mustache

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsp7v8/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminazi_and_hitler/
%
If you have a presentation, you should practice with a microphone.

Why? Because they will always give you feedback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsp41a/if_you_have_a_presentation_you_should_practice/
%
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsp0q7/i_used_to_sell_security_alarms_door_to_door_and_i/
%
I love Tom Clancy, so I named my penis Ryan.

Now when I masturbate, I Jack Ryan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsoz99/i_love_tom_clancy_so_i_named_my_penis_ryan/
%
What do you call a misbehaving glove?

A badmiton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsoxud/what_do_you_call_a_misbehaving_glove/
%
What did the blanket say when it fell on the floor?

Sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsovdv/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_on_the_floor/
%
I got in trouble in Algebra class today and had to stay after class for detention.

I didn't enjoy the aftermath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsohob/i_got_in_trouble_in_algebra_class_today_and_had/
%
Why does a golfer need to bring two pairs of pants golfing?

In case there’s a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsogky/why_does_a_golfer_need_to_bring_two_pairs_of/
%
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick.

I said ‘You must be blind.’
He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dso97u/i_saw_a_man_in_the_street_with_a_dog_and_a_white/
%
I won a year supply of dates once

Turned out it was just a calendar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dso7y5/i_won_a_year_supply_of_dates_once/
%
"Grow a pair" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating

Instead people should say  "Grow a dick" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dso7xy/grow_a_pair_is_a_terrible_metaphor_for_toughen_up/
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(Short dad joke)

A study shows that 5/4 people admit their bad at fractions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dso78x/short_dad_joke/
%
What do you call a bug at night?

A lunatic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dso3z8/what_do_you_call_a_bug_at_night/
%
A man was laying on the bed with his new girlfriend...

After having great sex, she spent the next hour rubbing his balls. As he was enjoying the testicular massage he asked her "why do you love doin this so much?
She replied "because I really miss mine "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dso3q9/a_man_was_laying_on_the_bed_with_his_new/
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Have you heard about the spanish magician that said he was going to vanish on the count of three?

He started counting. Uno, dos- *poof* and disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dso2l8/have_you_heard_about_the_spanish_magician_that/
%
What's the difference between a queen and a king sized bed?

A king is slightly larger but a queen may move as far as it can in any direction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsnphs/whats_the_difference_between_a_queen_and_a_king/
%
What do you call a 60-year old whose puberty just started?

A late boomer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsnibb/what_do_you_call_a_60year_old_whose_puberty_just/
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[during sex...] her: punish me papi

**me:** *[panicking]* g-g-go stand in the corner and think about what you did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsni8f/during_sex_her_punish_me_papi/
%
A girl was practicing her singing skills when her mum told her...

Mum: “I wish you were on TV”
Daughter: “thanks mom... am I that good?”
Mum: “no I’d just be able to turn your voice down”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsnb4p/a_girl_was_practicing_her_singing_skills_when_her/
%
What time of the year do most squirrels die?

No nut November

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsn8by/what_time_of_the_year_do_most_squirrels_die/
%
I dreamed that I was forced to eat a giant marshmello

When I woke up my pillow was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsn667/i_dreamed_that_i_was_forced_to_eat_a_giant/
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Son: Can you believe that after all of that crap they’re back together?

Me:  Who?
Son:  My butt cheeks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsn5h8/son_can_you_believe_that_after_all_of_that_crap/
%
Why is suicide illegal in China ?

Destruction of government property.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsn1rs/why_is_suicide_illegal_in_china/
%
“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I’m running a marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: Stop trying to play the race card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsmx8c/officer_you_cant_give_me_a_ticket_im_running_a/
%
What do you call an ocean of Cats.

A Puss-Sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsmq1w/what_do_you_call_an_ocean_of_cats/
%
How long did Cain beat his brother?

As long as he was abel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsmohh/how_long_did_cain_beat_his_brother/
%
What do you call a Russian android with poor coverage?

Data Roaminoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsmjt0/what_do_you_call_a_russian_android_with_poor/
%
Why was the crash test dummy put in charge of the nuclear launch codes?

They are great at demonstrating restraints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsmft6/why_was_the_crash_test_dummy_put_in_charge_of_the/
%
I'm planning an orgy.

It's all coming together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsmcqi/im_planning_an_orgy/
%
What do you call a Somali Man with a flaccid penis?

Black Cock Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsmc5p/what_do_you_call_a_somali_man_with_a_flaccid_penis/
%
How do you make a gas into a solid?

Push harder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsmbsx/how_do_you_make_a_gas_into_a_solid/
%
A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?”
The man replies “Like a glove.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsm5q7/a_man_goes_to_do_the_doctor_for_a_physical_he/
%
What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsm5po/whats_white_on_top_and_black_on_the_bottom/
%
Why do vegans only communicate with each other online?

Because they never meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsm5ha/why_do_vegans_only_communicate_with_each_other/
%
What do a non-newtonian fluid and a massochist have in common?

They get hard when you punch them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsm13s/what_do_a_nonnewtonian_fluid_and_a_massochist/
%
An airplane was about to crash...

There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump said, I am  much loved and also the smartest president to have ever ruled in America. So my people don’t want me to die. He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the pope, said to the 4th passenger a 10yr old schoolboy, “My boy I am old and have lived a long life, you are young and deserve to live yours, I will sacrifice myself and let you take the last parachute!” The young boy replied “That’s ok your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for the both of us, America’s smartest President took my school bag!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dslo6q/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash/
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What do you call a mailman who only delivers bills on his route?

Bill Parcells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsla76/what_do_you_call_a_mailman_who_only_delivers/
%
What's the difference between a Japanese kamazazi and a member of ISIS?

One's a Zoomer, one's a Boomer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dskz31/whats_the_difference_between_a_japanese_kamazazi/
%
Contrary to popular belief, i’m not a father.

It’ s a misconception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dskyf5/contrary_to_popular_belief_im_not_a_father/
%
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay...

They arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dskssf/i_saw_2_guys_in_matching_outfits_and_asked_if/
%
I had to break up with my lazy eye girlfriend..

...she was seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dskmcb/i_had_to_break_up_with_my_lazy_eye_girlfriend/
%
What did they call the fall of the Soviet Union

The last of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsklqn/what_did_they_call_the_fall_of_the_soviet_union/
%
How tall is a penguin?

A man runs - red-faced - into a bar.
The bartender greets him and asks, "Hey man, everything okay?"
The man responds, "Please! Sir! How tall is a penguin?"
Bartender raises his hand to around his hip and says, "I dunno about this tall."
The man shouts, "Fuck! I ran over a nun!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dskkm1/how_tall_is_a_penguin/
%
What is green, but when you click a button it becomes red?

A frog in a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dskjsi/what_is_green_but_when_you_click_a_button_it/
%
In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dske8v/in_the_year_2020_the_lord_came_unto_noah_who_was/
%
I always thought I hated sitting on cold toilet seats

Until I sat on a warm one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dska20/i_always_thought_i_hated_sitting_on_cold_toilet/
%
A man boards a plane with six kids

After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dska1m/a_man_boards_a_plane_with_six_kids/
%
There was three guys and they decided to chuck something out of an aeroplane. The first guy dropped out a dagger. The second guy dropped out a boulder and the third guy dropped out a bomb. The first guy went home and he saw his dad crying in the yard and he asked his dad “what’s wrong?”

The dad says “a dagger fell out of the sky and hit my wife on the head and now she’s dead.
The second guy went home and it’s the same story, he asks his dad “what’s wrong?”
“A boulder fell out of the sky and hit my wife in the head and now she’s dead”
The third guy got home, and his dad is laughing in the yard and he asks his dad
“What’s wrong?”
“I just farted and next doors house blew up”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsk7dz/there_was_three_guys_and_they_decided_to_chuck/
%
I had sex for the first time after my vasectomy

I didn't feel a vas deferens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsk3qn/i_had_sex_for_the_first_time_after_my_vasectomy/
%
My therapist told me to write letters to people I hate, then burn them

Ok, done with the writing and the burning. Wtf am I supposed to do with the bunch of letters, though?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsjyen/my_therapist_told_me_to_write_letters_to_people_i/
%
I Lost my Tree!

I’ve been nailing pictures of him to local dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsjj31/i_lost_my_tree/
%
what has 36 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?

my zipper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsjg2d/what_has_36_teeth_and_holds_back_the_incredible/
%
Damn You Autocorrect

A year ago, drunk and lonely, I stumbled upon Reddit by mistake when I was looking for RedTube. A year later the difference is obvious; one is a site full of naked people with no self respect, moaning and saying or doing all sorts of degrading things just to get some attention. The other appears to focus mainly on pornography.
Thanks for a great first year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsje8h/damn_you_autocorrect/
%
Why do North Koreans only sell one size of drink?

Because they have a Supreme Liter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsj34f/why_do_north_koreans_only_sell_one_size_of_drink/
%
What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsiwyo/whats_the_difference_between_an_isis_outpost_and/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsiwo5/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Did you hear about the dry cleaner that opened next door to the convent?

He knocked on the door and asked the mother superior if she had any dirty habits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsivhq/did_you_hear_about_the_dry_cleaner_that_opened/
%
What do you call a priest who walks in his sleep?

A roaming Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsises/what_do_you_call_a_priest_who_walks_in_his_sleep/
%
My wife screamed in delight when her new shoes arrived sooner than expected

I thought she didn't like it when things came early...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsiofb/my_wife_screamed_in_delight_when_her_new_shoes/
%
I ate a piece of fresh salmon that was marinated in vanilla and now my stomach is hurting....

I think I might have salmonilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsim8w/i_ate_a_piece_of_fresh_salmon_that_was_marinated/
%
What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?

“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsif03/what_did_the_judge_ask_when_he_went_to_the_dentist/
%
Insurance clerk: "Where were you born, Sir?"

Man: "In the United States."
Insurance clerk: "OK, and which part?"
Man: "My entire body."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsie8a/insurance_clerk_where_were_you_born_sir/
%
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people,

94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsidly/a_recent_scientific_study_showed_that_out_of/
%
I went to a German massage parlour earlier

Whole experience was pretty hans on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsia5x/i_went_to_a_german_massage_parlour_earlier/
%
True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented

Most crows drank at home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsi4j7/true_fact_before_the_crowbar_was_invented/
%
Our band

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘Lost dog’.
You’ve probably seen our posters...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsi3et/our_band/
%
My friend went to prison for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsi321/my_friend_went_to_prison_for_something_he_didnt_do/
%
Why do baseball players shout?

BECAUSE THEY ARE IN ALL CAPS!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsi2vd/why_do_baseball_players_shout/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me today, so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsi1cq/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_today_so_i_stole/
%
If someone massages your scalp in the shower or something like that

Just say thank you
You don't need to ask,"who are you?" Or "how did you get in here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dshzxe/if_someone_massages_your_scalp_in_the_shower_or/
%
What does the Easter Bunny turn into when attacked?

Hop-timus Prime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dshw6a/what_does_the_easter_bunny_turn_into_when_attacked/
%
After yet another allergy surfaced, I decided to divorce my wife -

Most of her allergies where tolerable, but her nut allergy ruined our sex life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dshldi/after_yet_another_allergy_surfaced_i_decided_to/
%
Imagine a nascar fan. The image that comes to mind is probably that of a brutish, beer guzzling, loud mouth, hairy, unwashed, unshaven, redneck

And her husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dshfau/imagine_a_nascar_fan_the_image_that_comes_to_mind/
%
My mom dosen't think that i am failure in Life anymore.

Now she knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dshe24/my_mom_dosent_think_that_i_am_failure_in_life/
%
I wanted to start a procrastinator club

But I've decided to wait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dshblk/i_wanted_to_start_a_procrastinator_club/
%
My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dshaa2/my_grandfather_is_a_russian_immigrant_so_the_last/
%
What does Joe Biden say to young girls when he leaves the room?

"Smell ya later!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsh457/what_does_joe_biden_say_to_young_girls_when_he/
%
How do you fix a fur suit?

With gluwu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsgxbv/how_do_you_fix_a_fur_suit/
%
What do you call a black pilot?

A pilot you racist fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsgvbt/what_do_you_call_a_black_pilot/
%
What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsgks8/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_stop_and/
%
How do you make your wife scream when you are having sex?

Call her while your banging her sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsgech/how_do_you_make_your_wife_scream_when_you_are/
%
Here’s a Riddle for you

What has 4 letters, Sometimes has 9 and never has 5?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsgc2u/heres_a_riddle_for_you/
%
I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course...

I'm really struggling to get out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsg2kn/i_accidentally_booked_myself_onto_an_escapology/
%
Why is ISIS recruiting young members?

Because all they have right now are Boomers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsg1zu/why_is_isis_recruiting_young_members/
%
Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court?

Sediment always settles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsg0ju/why_do_lawsuits_against_sand_and_silt_never_make/
%
Why does 4 have bad breath

Because he ate ⅓

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsfzrn/why_does_4_have_bad_breath/
%
Tampax have announced they will be removing the string from the tampon and replacing it with tinsel!

This will be for the Christmas period only

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsfxy4/tampax_have_announced_they_will_be_removing_the/
%
I told my wife that a girl at work really wanted to have a threesome and that I should see if my wife would be ok with it? After some persuading, and reassuring her that it would strengthen out relationship she said yes, so today we finally did it, and it was amazing!

I cant wait to tell her all about it when she gets home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsfrzg/i_told_my_wife_that_a_girl_at_work_really_wanted/
%
Of Mayhem from Allstate Insurance and Flow from Progressive Insurance had a baby...

They would name it Aggressive Prostate Insurance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsfoe0/of_mayhem_from_allstate_insurance_and_flow_from/
%
I just had a near sex experience

My wife flashed right before my eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsfkzn/i_just_had_a_near_sex_experience/
%
Why do French people eat snails?

They don’t like fastfood...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsfj4i/why_do_french_people_eat_snails/
%
I asked around what LGBTIQ stood for.

I couldn’t get a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsfe47/i_asked_around_what_lgbtiq_stood_for/
%
What is black and white, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous?

a cow with a machine gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsf7ka/what_is_black_and_white_sits_in_a_tree_and_is/
%
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could taste Jill's candy.

Jack got a shock with a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name was Randy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsf6ft/jack_and_jill_went_up_the_hill_so_jack_could/
%
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?

I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsf4q4/how_many_birthdays_does_it_take_for_someone_to/
%
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsf3y2/whats_the_difference_between_a_literalist_and_a/
%
I can't look at my father after his coming out

He's trans-parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsf3cj/i_cant_look_at_my_father_after_his_coming_out/
%
Have you heard that the local bakery family has a history of having sex with each other?

They were in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsemk5/have_you_heard_that_the_local_bakery_family_has_a/
%
I don't see why teachers don't like double negatives,

I think they're quite positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dseeed/i_dont_see_why_teachers_dont_like_double_negatives/
%
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

They decide that Einstein is seeking. Pascal finds a wardrobe and hides inside. Newton finds some chalk, and draws a 1 meter by  1 meter square on the floor and sits inside it. When Einstein finishes counting he turns around and sees Newton. "I found Newton!" Says Einstein. "Actually, " says Newton, "You found 1 Newton per meter squared, so you found Pascal". Newton won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dseedz/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_playing_hide_and/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

My fat, diabetic sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dseces/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
What do reddit and fencing have in common?

Riposte!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dseayf/what_do_reddit_and_fencing_have_in_common/
%
How do elephants communicate over long distances?

By elephone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dse3cw/how_do_elephants_communicate_over_long_distances/
%
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dse31m/my_wonderful_girlfriend_and_i_had_been_dating_for/
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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”
“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.
Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”
“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsdxwr/my_wifes_sister_visited_us_yesterday_in_her_brand/
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This farmer was telling me about how good his sheepdog was at maths

"Watch this" he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two?" And the dog barked ten times. "OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four?" And the dog barked twenty times. "He's very good" I replied "but he's a little over." "Yeah" answered the farmer "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsdvwj/this_farmer_was_telling_me_about_how_good_his/
%
We've all encountered a butterface, but have you ever encountered a butterfingers? Beautiful face, smokin' body, amazing personality. Everything is great, but her...

Catching ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsdu5u/weve_all_encountered_a_butterface_but_have_you/
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I can’t remember wheather I had been with my girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But I know it's <3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsdr92/i_cant_remember_wheather_i_had_been_with_my/
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What if Erik the Red had been Erik the Green?

Well... that would be a Norse of another colour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsdja5/what_if_erik_the_red_had_been_erik_the_green/
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What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsdcfh/whats_the_difference_between_my_ex_and_the_titanic/
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Math teacher: "What do you call an angle of 90 degrees?"

Me: "Fahrenheit or Celsius?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsdbeo/math_teacher_what_do_you_call_an_angle_of_90/
%
What’s blonde and dead in the closet?

Hide and seek champion of 1846

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsda4c/whats_blonde_and_dead_in_the_closet/
%
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

They’re never right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsd8sd/why_are_obtuse_angles_so_depressed/
%
The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us.

He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsd6hx/the_other_night_my_girlfriend_and_i_had_parked_in/
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I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school.

He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsd560/i_asked_little_johnny_why_he_started_doing_so/
%
I hate Russian dolls...

so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsd4oc/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
What is the difference between a Circus and a Whore House?

One has an array of cunning stunts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dscteu/what_is_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a/
%
Why did the mushroom go to the party?

It was a fun guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsccz6/why_did_the_mushroom_go_to_the_party/
%
I used to date my English teacher but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dscct0/i_used_to_date_my_english_teacher_but_she_dumped/
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Three Friends Are Arguing

Three friends are arguing about who gets the most tips at work.
Guy 1, a waiter: "Oh I get a healthy tip from almost every table, I reckon I make about 200 dollars in tips on a busy night."
Guy 2, a valet: "Pshh, that's nothing; I get a healthy tip every time I park a car, I probably average 350 dollars a day in tips alone."
Guy 3, a Rabbi: "Well I usually just throw the tips away, I never realized they were so valuable!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsc6d7/three_friends_are_arguing/
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I love to tell dad jokes...

Sometimes he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsc3j4/i_love_to_tell_dad_jokes/
%
Why do riot police come to work early?

So they can beat the crowd
Credit to:
u/Bodchubbz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsc2mf/why_do_riot_police_come_to_work_early/
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What do you call a cheap Circumcision?

A Rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsbsbg/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsbj0g/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
%
A cow walks into a bar...

The bartender says "get the fuck out of here Karen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsbgkn/a_cow_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why was 10 scared

Because It was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsba3c/why_was_10_scared/
%
A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn't seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.

Friend: So do you have any kids?
Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys.
Friend: Nice! What are their names?
Woman: Steve.
Friend: You mean... All of them are named Steve?
Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's even worse if I have to call them one by one. All I have to do is shout "STEVE!!!" and they all turn around immediately!
Friend: But what if you only want to talk to one of them at a time? How do you differentiate them?
Woman: Oh, well in that case, I just call them by their last name...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsb4ib/a_woman_is_walking_down_the_street_when_she_bumps/
%
So I went to a courtroom for a trial

Judge: State your name
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You're Not Guilty?
Me: \*moonwalks the hell out of there\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsawk5/so_i_went_to_a_courtroom_for_a_trial/
%
Two lip-reading deaf guys walk into a pub.

One turns to the other and says (in a mongy deaf voice), "You go find a seat...I'll get the drinks in".
He walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, could I please have two pints of lager?"
"Certainly," replies the barman, "That'll be Â£10."
"Ten pounds?" gasps the deaf guy, "That's a bit steep!"
"Oh, we've got some music on tonight," explains the barman, "That includes your entry fee."
The deaf guy starts doing the twist and asks, "Is it Boogie Woogie?"
"No."
The deaf guy does his best John Travolta impression and asks, "Is it Disco?"
"No."
The deaf guy shrugs his shoulders, "Well...what is it then?"
"Country and Western"
The deaf guy laughs, picks up his drinks and brings them over to his friend.
"How much were they?" asks his friend.
"Ten pounds."
"Ten pounds?" gasps the friend, "That's a bit steep!"
"Oh, they've got some music on tonight," explains the first deaf guy, "That includes our entry fee."
The second deaf guy starts doing the twist and asks, "Is it Boogie Woogie?"
"No."
The second deaf guy does his best John Travolta impression and asks, "Is it Disco?"
"No."
The second deaf guy shrugs his shoulders, "Well...what is it then?"
The first deaf guy laughs, "Some cunt from Preston."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsaptc/two_lipreading_deaf_guys_walk_into_a_pub/
%
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsanob/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
%
Tonight a friend of mine asked me where do I see myself next year.

And I said, "I don't know bud, I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsajhj/tonight_a_friend_of_mine_asked_me_where_do_i_see/
%
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsaiun/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
If you jack off in a pot...

...does that make you Pansexual?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsaabi/if_you_jack_off_in_a_pot/
%
What did Ringo say before the Beatles broke up

Hey guy's can we try some of my songs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsa9bg/what_did_ringo_say_before_the_beatles_broke_up/
%
I was trying to change a lightbulb in the ceiling fan

My wife saw me struggling to reach it since it was pretty high up.
She said, "Let me get something for you to stand on. Do you prefer the ladder or the step stool?"
I said, "I'll take the latter."
So she brought me the step stool, just like I asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dsa08b/i_was_trying_to_change_a_lightbulb_in_the_ceiling/
%
I have a Russian friend who works as a sound technician.

And a Czech one. A Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds9xn1/i_have_a_russian_friend_who_works_as_a_sound/
%
Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.

Me: Is it contagious?
Doctor: Is what contagious?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds9rsq/doctor_you_have_a_disease_that_causes_memory_loss/
%
What do a dog and a near-sighted gynaecologist have in common?

A wet nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds9q0s/what_do_a_dog_and_a_nearsighted_gynaecologist/
%
I thought I broke my ankle when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night

But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds9p7p/i_thought_i_broke_my_ankle_when_i_tripped_over_a/
%
What's the difference between a duck and a mallard?

I don't know, but your mother's a whore.
My friend just sent me this and for some reason I can’t explain it made me laugh a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds9nb0/whats_the_difference_between_a_duck_and_a_mallard/
%
A man walks into a library

He sits down and says to the librarian “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries. The librarian says “sir, this is a library”. The man goes “Oh, I’m sorry. ^I’ll ^have ^a ^cheeseburger ^and ^fries”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds9j7o/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
%
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds9fdb/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_and_a/
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How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and tells him if he sees any germans to point the broom handle at them and shout "BANG BANG BANGITY BANG" to kill them. The recruit thinks this is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard but he has no choice so he agrees and heads out. While on patrol he comes across a German soldier. The German reaches for his rifle, so with no other option the recruit points his broom and shouts "BANG BANG BANGITY BANG" and to his surprise the German drops dead. When he arrives back he immediately thanks the captain.
A couple of weeks went by and our guy had become quite the crackshot, even having a telescopic sight fixed to his broom. One day he was scouting the enemy position from under some bushes when he bumps into a German crawling the other way, in the cramped space he barely manages to point his broom at the German in time, so he returns to his captain and demands a weapon for close quarters combat. The captain takes a piece of string out of his drawer and tells him to hit an enemy with it and shout "STAB STAB STABBITY STAB". This time he trusts the captain and sure enough it works great.
Another couple of weeks go by and our guy is a legend. He kills dozens of Germans with his broom and string and receives several awards. One day while on patrol in a forest he sees a crazy German soldier in the distance running towards him and shouting at the top of his voice. He is pretty confident in his abilities, takes careful aim and shouts "BANG BANG BANGITY BANG" but the German keeps on coming. He aims again "BANG BANG BANGITY BANG" and again nothing. The German is getting really close so he takes out his string, but as he swings it out and shouts "STAB STAB STABBITY STAB" the German just runs straight into him, knocking him clear off his feet into a tree and breaking several bones. As he lies there dying the German slows down and comes back for a look. He finds our hero lying crushed on the ground asking how this happened. He laughs, turns around and runs off, resuming his shouts of "TANK TANK TANKITY TANK".
Credit to my English teacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds9a41/how_the_canadians_prepare_their_army/
%
Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie  without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly  for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the  guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and  then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did  you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds965j/hospitality/
%
I was gonna tell you guys a time travel joke

But you guys didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds8zfl/i_was_gonna_tell_you_guys_a_time_travel_joke/
%
Why was the math book so sad?

It had a lot of problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds8ui3/why_was_the_math_book_so_sad/
%
Who is Bill Cosby's favorite Lost Boy?

Rufio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds8qet/who_is_bill_cosbys_favorite_lost_boy/
%
People ask me why I make chemistry jokes

Because I always get a positive reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds8hfe/people_ask_me_why_i_make_chemistry_jokes/
%
I got arrested for doing calculus drunk.

The officer told me to never drink and derive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds8chf/i_got_arrested_for_doing_calculus_drunk/
%
Autocorrect might have been invented by history's greatest scientist.

Albeit Einstein would disagree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds8c19/autocorrect_might_have_been_invented_by_historys/
%
Just got a Jury Summons

That’s the last time I do a seance in a court house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds877o/just_got_a_jury_summons/
%
What's a whales favorite sandwich?

Krilled cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds86bw/whats_a_whales_favorite_sandwich/
%
Still scared of paedophiles?

Grow up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds863m/still_scared_of_paedophiles/
%
If I had a dollar for everytime I failed a test

I could finally pay off my student loans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds7zr9/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_everytime_i_failed_a_test/
%
My gay friend was bragging about how much sex he's been having lately.

What a cocky asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds7w3w/my_gay_friend_was_bragging_about_how_much_sex_hes/
%
This kid in physics class was being mean to me

So I called him the derivative of acceleration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds7r3g/this_kid_in_physics_class_was_being_mean_to_me/
%
If I get caught cheating on this math test

I'll have a problem on my hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds7mzw/if_i_get_caught_cheating_on_this_math_test/
%
Almost everyday I have sex.

Monday almost.
Tuesday almost.
Wednesday almost
....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds7l03/almost_everyday_i_have_sex/
%
President Xi doesnt take a dump..

He has a Pooh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds7iuk/president_xi_doesnt_take_a_dump/
%
A Rabbi is thinking to himself one day...

"What do I do with all of these foreskins?"
As a Rabbi, he had accumulated at least a thousand foreskins and was stumped at what to do with them. Finally, he decides to take all of these foreskins to a leather worker to see if the leather worker could make something out of them.
The leather worker was hesitant at first, but told the Rabbi, "Come back in a week and I'll have something for you."
A week rolls by and the Rabbi returns.
The leather worker hands him a wallet. Perplexed, the Rabbi asks, "I gave you a thousand foreskins and all you made was a wallet?"
The leather worker replies, "Yeah. But if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds7itn/a_rabbi_is_thinking_to_himself_one_day/
%
A woman walks into a library and asks where books about paranoia are.

The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds7e32/a_woman_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_where_books/
%
My date took me to his house for the first time today, the most notable thing besides his wit and charm was his very expensive firearm and gunpowder collection.

I knew it as soon as I walked in, "This Guy Fawkes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds7cks/my_date_took_me_to_his_house_for_the_first_time/
%
My friend has no running water at his house, so I felt bad and decided to send him a card.

A “Get Well Soon” card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds7an4/my_friend_has_no_running_water_at_his_house_so_i/
%
What happens if you strangle an Eevee to death?

It evolves into Epsteineon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds7907/what_happens_if_you_strangle_an_eevee_to_death/
%
I'm going to donate my body to science, and keep my dad happy...

he always wanted me to go to medical school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds75zm/im_going_to_donate_my_body_to_science_and_keep_my/
%
To the inventor of suspenders:

You deserve the Nobelt price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds73ve/to_the_inventor_of_suspenders/
%
Barber took too much of the top...

I went in saying "Just some off the top"
He must have not understood, because I left circumcised.
I still gave him a good tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds71sc/barber_took_too_much_of_the_top/
%
Why don't birds recognize each other?

They are in da skies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds6uzb/why_dont_birds_recognize_each_other/
%
What do you call a pair of cum stained pants?

Bukkahkis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds6tfe/what_do_you_call_a_pair_of_cum_stained_pants/
%
A liberal, a centrist, and a conservative walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Hey Mitt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds6ql3/a_liberal_a_centrist_and_a_conservative_walk_into/
%
Job interview

"Which organizations are you a member of?"
"KKK"
"Sorry, we don't employ people with a stutter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds6oo0/job_interview/
%
A restaurant owner offered me a free calamari appetizer if I gave him a good review on Yelp

It was squid pro quo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds6imm/a_restaurant_owner_offered_me_a_free_calamari/
%
"Mommy, Mommy, can I play with grandpa again tomorrow?"

"Sorry, dear, after one week it's high time we close the coffin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds6cpf/mommy_mommy_can_i_play_with_grandpa_again_tomorrow/
%
I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention as a doctor...

The security guard suspected I was not the real McCoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds699f/i_tried_to_sneak_into_the_star_trek_convention_as/
%
A farmer had 196 cows across 4 fields.

When he rounded them up, he had 200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds66ak/a_farmer_had_196_cows_across_4_fields/
%
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11.

It was just a spare, I guess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds65i9/i_bought_10_asparagus_at_the_store_but_when_i_got/
%
People should have known that Soviet Union would collapse.

There were a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds64ij/people_should_have_known_that_soviet_union_would/
%
A woman walks into the dry cleaners...

When she gets inside she asks the cleaning lady to get out the stain on her dress.
“Come again?” The cleaning lady says
“No, it’s just ranch dressing this time”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds646z/a_woman_walks_into_the_dry_cleaners/
%
What do you call a cow with four legs?

Just a cow.
What if it has three? Lean beef.
No legs? Ground beef.
Okay how about a cow with two leg? Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds630q/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_four_legs/
%
What did the needle say to the balloon?

"I am the king of pop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds5vrs/what_did_the_needle_say_to_the_balloon/
%
What happens when the CIA goes to sleep?

...they go under cover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds5upl/what_happens_when_the_cia_goes_to_sleep/
%
What's a Nazi's favorite pet?

A dolphin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds5r4f/whats_a_nazis_favorite_pet/
%
NSFW

standing on one foot on office chairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds5qf3/nsfw/
%
Lady walks into a tattoo parlor.

She tells the guy she wants Thanksgiving tattooed on one thigh and Christmas on the other. The guy asks "why do you want that?". She tells him "Well, my husband always complains there's nothing good to eat between those holidays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds5pog/lady_walks_into_a_tattoo_parlor/
%
My mother told me to take my brother out for a movie while she set up his surprise birthday party.

That’s when I learned that he was her favorite twin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds5lq1/my_mother_told_me_to_take_my_brother_out_for_a/
%
I got roses for my girlfriend and she refused them, saying "no, because then you'll want me to open my legs."

To which I replied "why? Don't you have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds56gf/i_got_roses_for_my_girlfriend_and_she_refused/
%
I swallowed a dictionary.

It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds4zi9/i_swallowed_a_dictionary/
%
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills. She said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."

I don't know why she told me to urinate on a skeleton?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds4uy9/i_asked_my_wife_to_rate_my_listening_skills_she/
%
I had sex with 2 Thai prostitutes and it was like winning the lottery.

Because there was six matching balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds4jux/i_had_sex_with_2_thai_prostitutes_and_it_was_like/
%
If you're bi and single then you aren't bisexual

Your bi yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds4j20/if_youre_bi_and_single_then_you_arent_bisexual/
%
When should you crush herbs?

When you need to kill some Thyme!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds44c5/when_should_you_crush_herbs/
%
I told my doctor I might have ADHD because I can’t remember where I parked my Ford. My doctor told me that’s not how ADHD works.

“But doctor, I keep losing my focus”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds40zu/i_told_my_doctor_i_might_have_adhd_because_i_cant/
%
How do you grow vegetables?

Incest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds402y/how_do_you_grow_vegetables/
%
What generation does Forrest Gump’s son belong to?

Gen A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds3l3m/what_generation_does_forrest_gumps_son_belong_to/
%
A woman in a jewelers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out. Hoping nobody noticed she asks "how much is that one?"

The jeweler says "Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds3jo1/a_woman_in_a_jewelers_admiring_a_big_diamond_ring/
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Today I bumped into the man who sold me an antique globe.

It’s a small world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds3jgx/today_i_bumped_into_the_man_who_sold_me_an/
%
One day a little boy wrote to Santa...

Boy: “Please send me a sister”
Santa: “Ok, send me your mother”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds3gwz/one_day_a_little_boy_wrote_to_santa/
%
Why didn't 4 ask out 5

Because he was 2².

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds3guk/why_didnt_4_ask_out_5/
%
Why did the Mafia cross the road?

Forget about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds3f0w/why_did_the_mafia_cross_the_road/
%
A joke told to me today by a little old man at Taco Bell completely out of the blue

Why was the man fired from his job at the orange juice factory?
He couldn’t concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds39eg/a_joke_told_to_me_today_by_a_little_old_man_at/
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I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats. After a couple songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds37ai/i_was_in_a_bar_yesterday_when_i_suddenly_realized/
%
My new job makes it easier for me to find women.

Ladies in the graveyard can't say no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds36x2/my_new_job_makes_it_easier_for_me_to_find_women/
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Pink Panther's to do list

To do
To do
To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds34n9/pink_panthers_to_do_list/
%
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a jew?

Harry Potter came out of the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds32rq/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_a/
%
I got caught peeing in the pool.

The lifeguard's whistle startled me so much, I nearly fell in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds31fy/i_got_caught_peeing_in_the_pool/
%
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds2ysu/i_got_a_new_stick_of_deodorant_today_the/
%
What do you call someone who turns into a building at the sight of the full moon?

A Werehouse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds2xuv/what_do_you_call_someone_who_turns_into_a/
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.
A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.
The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit".  So she did and He didn't move at all. They did it.
A couple of hours later, she repeats the process - he is still passed out - they repeat the pairing.
Then Just before dawn the wife wants one more ride. So she reaches over and plucks a third ass hair! Whereupon the husband looks at the lover  and says,
"I don't mind you screwing my wife but do you have to keep score on my ass??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds2trk/a_woman_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
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Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad
My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the time. This is one of his best stories which I told at his eulogy.
There was a new guy, Jim, who joined the crew the summer of ’74 who became an instant comrade. The jokesters of the crowd - my dad amongst them - decided after a month or 2 it was time for a prank.
It’s important to recall in those days there were no cell phones, computers, google, ezpass computerized toll collection, nothing. If you needed to go anywhere back then you needed physical directions “go a mile down the road and at the gas station make a left.” Even toll roads (bridges and such) had people manning them and if you dared speed through, there were dedicated patrol cars who would chase after you, get the toll and give you a ticket, right then and there.
They decided to invite him to the end of summer cookout traditionally given by Ben, one of the men at my dad’s job. Jim was told that Ben lived in a remote area where even a physical map wasn’t going to help nearing his house.
“You’ve got to follow someone on the highway to get there because the exits get really tricky,” they told Jim. He asked my dad if he could follow him to the cookout.
Dad: “Sure,” my dad said. “By the way, what color car do you have?” my dad asked rather matter of factly.
Jim: “Well, red I guess. Why?”
D: “You lucky SOB. The cookout is on the 19th, It’s red car day on the highway that day.”
J: “Red car day?! What the hell are you talking about?”
D: “What are you living under a rock? The highway has free toll days for red, black, yellow and blue cars on the 2nd, 14th, 19th and 22nd of every month during the summer.”
J: “I never heard of that. Why the hell do they do that?”
D: “When they were building this highway back in the 40s there were 4 deaths, and those 4 men are honored with free tolls on the days they died. 3 months out of the year they give people with red, black, yellow and blue cars (the color of the cars the men had) free tolls to honor the brave men who died building the very road you’re driving on.”
J: “Wow! That’s quite a story. I had no idea. I have to admit I don’t travel that road very but that is really very nice to honor them that way.”
So, Jim made arrangements to follow my dad (with me, my brother and mom in the car with him) on the 22nd of August.
As we got onto the highway, my dad made sure to drive slow enough to not lose Jim and be absolutely certain Jim was right behind my dad as they approached the toll plaza. My dad rolled down the window to pay the toll saying to the clerk, “I’m paying for me and guy directly behind me.”
As my dad drive away slowly, Jim inched up not really sure what was going to happen. However, the toll booth clerk just waved her hand as if to say “go ahead” and Jim, a tad startled at first, hit the gas and went.
My dad giggled a bit, then made sure to keep driving slow enough to not lose Jim as they approached the second toll plaza. My dad said to the clerk, “This is for me and guy directly behind me.”
As my dad drive away slowly, you could see Jim was more confident but still cautious. However, as the toll booth clerk waved his hand “go ahead” Jim hit the gas, this time a smile crawling across his face. He gained up to my dad in no time.
The traffic was getting a bit thicker now and my dad used this traffic to partially lose Jim, but make sure he could still see him. Approaching the next toll plaza, my dad was in a different lane than Jim. My dad stopped and paid the toll while Jim sailed through the toll lane. You could hear the audible alarm of a toll-jumper, and the black-n-white police car in hot pursuit of Jim.
My dad pulled away slowly from the toll catching up to Jim hearing him arguing with the cop, “Yeah, it’s red car day.”
The funniest part was hearing Jim tell his side of it at the BBQ. All the fellas chipped in to pay the fine.
:-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds2sky/red_car_day/
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What do you call a 2d Shakespeare?

Shakecircle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds2iyn/what_do_you_call_a_2d_shakespeare/
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Friend: Dude! My gf is pregnant and I'm not sure how it happened!

Me: Hi Not sure how it happened, I'm dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds2fkz/friend_dude_my_gf_is_pregnant_and_im_not_sure_how/
%
I figured out why my male colleagues look so old.

We have a manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds2fj7/i_figured_out_why_my_male_colleagues_look_so_old/
%
A man walks into a zoo and finds out the only animal in it is a dog. The man yells out:

"What a shihtzu!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds25xy/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo_and_finds_out_the_only/
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What do you call a deer with guerrilla training?

Ram-doe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds25sy/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_guerrilla_training/
%
Did you know that every middle-aged housewife is actually bilingual?

They speak English and to the manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds20j2/did_you_know_that_every_middleaged_housewife_is/
%
I was found not guilty of lying in court.

That’s per the judge not perjury.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds1n10/i_was_found_not_guilty_of_lying_in_court/
%
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds1mct/sometimes_it_is_very_important_if_a_sentence_was/
%
I proposed to my ex-wife.

But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds1m1w/i_proposed_to_my_exwife/
%
When I was a teenager, we had a dial-connection. I used to watch a lot of porn but it gave me a strange fetish.

I’m into corrupt women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds1e0a/when_i_was_a_teenager_we_had_a_dialconnection_i/
%
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig

the letter “f”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds1dzv/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
Theres a man on the beach with no arms or legs

3 girls walk by and start speaking to him.
Girl 1: Has anybody ever hugged you?
Man: No...
*she hugs him*
Girl 2: Had anybody ever kissed you?
Man: I wish but no...
*she gives him a kiss*
Girl 3: Have you ever been fucked?
Man: Never!!!
Girl 3: You will be when the tide comes in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds1ckp/theres_a_man_on_the_beach_with_no_arms_or_legs/
%
I heard the Poltergeist movie was selling very well.

It was literally flying off the shelves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds1avo/i_heard_the_poltergeist_movie_was_selling_very/
%
A pessimist and a nihilist walk into a bar.

The bartender asks them for their drink orders. The pessimist says “Even if you make me your best drink, I’m sure it’ll be disappointing. Go ahead, anything you make is going to be shit.”
The nihilist says, “I’ll have what he’s having but make mine stronger like the nonsense faith you have in God.”
The bartender soon produces 2 glasses with a clear liquid.
Both the pessimist and nihilist take a sip and are bewildered.
The pessimist exclaims, “Is this your best?! It’s fucking water!”
The nihilist nods in agreement.
The bartender laughs and says, “I have made you a Bloody Mary, and for the other gentleman, Holy Water. Enjoy, it’s on the house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds19ut/a_pessimist_and_a_nihilist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds19no/i_ran_across_some_douchbag_millennial_in_the/
%
A man and his wife welcome a beautiful baby boy... (long)

And what a beautiful boy he was. The doctors said that he was the most beautiful baby they had ever seen. Strong, attentive, curious, and very happy/content. The man could not have been more proud.
A few years down the road, the boy was running and jumping and developing much faster than his peers at the same age. The man beamed with pride looking down at his little boy. On his third birthday, he won a race at his pre-school and the man was so proud he exclaimed to the boy: "lets go to the toy store! whatever you want, I will buy for you"
The little boy was thrilled. Off to the toy store they went, and he chose to buy 100 pink ping pong balls. The man tried to persuade him towards some action figures, and a new soccer ball. But the boy wanted the ping pong balls, and so thats what he got.
A few years down the road, the boy was graduating from his elementary school. Top of his class, straight A's. The pride of the school. He was the fastest, the smartest, and most well liked kid there. Again, the man was beaming with immense pride. He says to his son "lets go buy you a gift! what do you want? anything you want! It is yours!"
The boy looks at his father and says "you know what Dad, I've thought about it - and I would really like 100 pink ping pong balls" - The man couldn't believe it. Of all the things that a young boy could possibly want, ping pong balls? It didn't make any sense! But of course, he acquiesced and purchased what his son wanted.
High school rolls around, and things keep getting better for the young man.  Quarterback of the football team. Dating the most beautiful girl in school. Valedictorian. Owns and operates a small business and is a well respected member of the community. For his graduation present, his father goes all out. Party, gifts, and he poses to him a question: "Son, I want to buy you a car for your graduation gift. Lets go to the dealership and pick out any car on the lot" - his son replies "wow, Dad. That is incredible. But instead, could you possibly get me 100 pink ping pong balls?"
Again, the man was floored. Here he was, offering to provide him with the car that would make any young man jealous - and he wants ping pong balls??? He asks his son, "why?" - and his son coolly replies: "Dad, it's what I want" - so sure enough, he goes on Amazon and has 100 pink ping pong balls delivered to the house.
Fast forward. College graduation from Harvard Medical School. On his way to becoming a heart surgeon. With tears in his eyes after the ceremony the father looks at his son and says to him: "Now? Now can I buy you something amazing? Please. It is all that I want to do." The son replies "You know what Dad? I could really use 100 pink ping pong balls" - This time, the man knows that resistance is futile and orders the ping pong balls. Whatever, right? If it makes his boy happy, than that is all that matters.
A few years down the road, the young man and his high school sweetheart are planning the wedding of their dreams. He is a successful Heart Surgeon, top of his profession. As they are planning the wedding reception, the father says "son, I am retired now, and you've given me so much to be proud of. Can I please buy you a house? A car? A vacation? Something? Tell me what you would like your wedding gift to be, and I will make it happen" - The son replies "well Dad, now that my wife and I are to be making decisions together - we talked about it. What we would like is 100 pink ping pong balls" - I mean, what is the Man to do? He doesn't understand it, he has long since given up on asking why. He just knows that he is proud and he will do anything he can to make sure that his son is happy.
At the wedding reception, a man bursts into the room and runs up to the young Groom. "Sir, I need you to come with me. The President of the United States just collapsed with a triple bypass. You are the only man that can save his life!!"- So the Young Man leaves his wedding, and performs an exhausting surgery and saves the life of the President. A few months later, he is at the white house receiving a Presidential Medal of Freedom. The highest civilian honor in the land.
The young Man leans over to his father and the Father says: "Son, I am so proud to be your Father" - and the Son replies: "Hey, howabout that sports car now?"
The old Man couldn't believe his ears. On the way home from Washington, they stopped at a Ferrari dealership and he says to his son "pick any one you want" - and the Son goes to town, picks the nicest Ferrari on the lot and says to the salesman "This one" - As they are out test driving it, an 18 wheeler runs a red light and smashes into them. They are rushed to a nearby hospital and a few days later, the Old Man learns that his Son's injuries are too many to sustain life.
As he comes in to say his last words to his boy, he tells him how proud he is of him. How he's a good man, a good husband, a great son, and the pride and joy of his life. Then, he works up the courage and says "there's just one thing I have to know. In every milestone of your life, I offered you the world, and all you ever wanted was 100 pink ping pong balls. Why? Why the car now? What was it all for? Please, tell me. I have to know"
The son motions for his father to come closer. He says "Dad..." and then he dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds136v/a_man_and_his_wife_welcome_a_beautiful_baby_boy/
%
Why weren't there many atheists in 1850s Germany?

It was still quite Nietzshe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds11e0/why_werent_there_many_atheists_in_1850s_germany/
%
Man: "Doctor, I think I have ADHD: I can't remember where I parked my Ford!"

Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works..."
Man: "But I keep losing my Focus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds0xzx/man_doctor_i_think_i_have_adhd_i_cant_remember/
%
I was digging in my garden this afternoon and found a chest full of gold coins, I immediately ran in to tell my wife about it

But then I realized why I was digging a hole in the first place...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds0vz6/i_was_digging_in_my_garden_this_afternoon_and/
%
Doctor: I’m afraid we had to remove your colon.

Me  Why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds0ext/doctor_im_afraid_we_had_to_remove_your_colon/
%
I was having breakfast at a hotel, and I went to get some orange juice but there was a long line of people waiting there for some. So I went to the Apple juice line, and again, there was a long line. So I decided to have some punch instead.

I was relieved to see that there was no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds0c0q/i_was_having_breakfast_at_a_hotel_and_i_went_to/
%
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man. In a socialist society, it's the other way round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds0aej/what_is_the_difference_between_capitalism_and/
%
One Cuban woman complains to another:

He was such a liar! He said he was a waiter at a resort...turns out he’s nothing more than a neurosurgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds08zj/one_cuban_woman_complains_to_another/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet

Cause they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds079d/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
My dad got really angry when our AC stopped working.

This always happens when he loses his cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds062b/my_dad_got_really_angry_when_our_ac_stopped/
%
A young lady, as part of a survey, asks a pilot about the last time he had sex. The pilot said "1959 ma'am. " Taken back by this answer, she said “That long ago?”

“Oh” the pilot replies “I guess so.” Looks at his watch and says, “but it’s only 2105 now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ds0237/a_young_lady_as_part_of_a_survey_asks_a_pilot/
%
Pun enters a room and kills ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drzz91/pun_enters_a_room_and_kills_ten_people/
%
Just heard the inventor of Velcro died

RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drzwok/just_heard_the_inventor_of_velcro_died/
%
As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drzrhm/as_a_lumberjack_starts_his_chainsaw_he_hears_the/
%
So early this morning im eating breakfast when my wife asks me if I can help her in the living room.

I said; "I can't, I have a lot on my plate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drzmfl/so_early_this_morning_im_eating_breakfast_when_my/
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Wedding Nerves

Girl was about to get married, but was very nervous. She told the pastor she was too nervous to go in front of all the people to marry her soon to be husband. The Pastor told her to look straight down the aisle at the altar, and listen to the hymn. The ceremony started, so she started repeating it over and over: Aisle, Altar, Hymn! Aisle, Altar, Hymn!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drzih1/wedding_nerves/
%
What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drz935/whats_the_difference_between_communism_and_a/
%
A Chinese baby was born a month in advance

So his parents named him Er Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drz8zx/a_chinese_baby_was_born_a_month_in_advance/
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I sponsored a writing contest for a women's college. They had to write a short story containing Religion, Sex, and Mystery.

Winner: "Oh God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who the dad is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drz8kx/i_sponsored_a_writing_contest_for_a_womens/
%
Jesus is the Lamb of God.

Mary had a little lamb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drz5q8/jesus_is_the_lamb_of_god/
%
Missed talking to my friends and family at my funeral

But you could say I was there in spirit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drz5h0/missed_talking_to_my_friends_and_family_at_my/
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6-offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drz2fc/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
What did an impatient pot of water say to the noodles?

Udon!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drz28j/what_did_an_impatient_pot_of_water_say_to_the/
%
Noelle is a weird name.

Mostly because there‘s 2 of them right towards the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drywfw/noelle_is_a_weird_name/
%
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.

A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first guy out bangs his head on the doorframe" Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money"
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dryvxv/man_in_a_cinema_watching_a_cowboy_film/
%
Condoms?

Those are for pussies and assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drys9e/condoms/
%
When you die which body part dies last?

The pupils.....they dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dryo60/when_you_die_which_body_part_dies_last/
%
Why do rockstars like groupies?

Because the sex is fanfuckingtastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dryet8/why_do_rockstars_like_groupies/
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I intend to live forever.

So far, so good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dry9a5/i_intend_to_live_forever/
%
If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It’s still fowl language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dry60u/if_your_phone_auto_corrects_fuck_to_duck_its_okay/
%
Two jews that died during the holocaust get to heaven.

One of them says to the other “remember how they strip us down in the snow and made us wait there for 5 hours?”
The other laughs “yeah! Remember how they took your twin kids and preformed lethal surgery on them?”
The first guy laughs again “yeah!”
The two keep laughing as God approaches them. He asks “why are you laughing? That sounds horrible”
One of the Jews looks at him and says “ha, you should’ve been there...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drxtty/two_jews_that_died_during_the_holocaust_get_to/
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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure... In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drxrs4/a_worldwide_survey_was_conducted_by_the_un/
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A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:
First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.
Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.
Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.
Determined, the teenager starts with the first task and goes into town to find a tailor who can make him a suit. After a while, he sees a tailor that seems to be good and relatively cheap, theres only one problem: His shop is crowded so there is a long line of people waiting to commission him. Still, the teenager gets in line and waits until he can commission his suit. With that done, he decides to go and rent a car next.
There is only one car rental in town, so naturally, that one is overcrowded. The teenager joins the line and waits for what feels like hours until he finally can rent the car his heart desires. This eats well into his meager finances, but he's still as determined as ever to make an impression on the girl.
Lastly, the roses. Theres a florist in town who is known well outside the towns borders for his fantastic bouquets. They are pricey, but well worth the money and since he has already spend a fair dime, the teenager decides not to be a cheapskate now and go all out on this as well. Unfortunately, the florist is in high demand as always, so there is a line of people here as well, going out well into the street.
In the end, everything is ready. Our teen has his suit, the limousine and a truly spectacular arrangement of roses, just as his crush wanted. She gladly gets into the car and they drive to the prom.
Due to the streets being overcrowded, they arrive just a bit late, so they have to wait in line yet again. Thankfully, the teen and his crush have a lot to talk about, so time flies by as they wait.
Finally inside, they decide to get some cake. The selection is truly great and naturally a lot of people want the cake, so the teen stands in line for a good half hour to get himself and his crush some cake.
Now, his crush is also thirst and thus asks him to get something to drink as well. The teen agrees and comes back five minutes later with two glasses of punch.
"That was quick", the crush remarks.
The teen nods. "Yeah. Theres no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drxrru/a_teenager_asks_his_crush_out_to_prom/
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Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?

The ultrasound guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drxm5d/whos_the_coolest_guy_in_the_hospital/
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A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him...

He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,
"I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back."
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good day, Sir "...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drxknu/a_pensioner_drove_his_brand_new_bmw_to_100_mph/
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How do boomers change a lightbulb?

They dont, they just keep talking about how great the old one was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drxbyi/how_do_boomers_change_a_lightbulb/
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What does a puppy, and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

They both have a wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drxal5/what_does_a_puppy_and_a_nearsighted_gynecologist/
%
Her: Come over

Me: I can't I'm under arrest for double homicide
Her: My parents aren't home
Me: So about that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drxa0y/her_come_over/
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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drwzxh/a_student_visits_the_principals_office_one_day/
%
So two men walk into a tie shop

The first men asks "Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest"
The second man responds "nah we will probably end up in a tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drwwrj/so_two_men_walk_into_a_tie_shop/
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Why is 'DARK' spelt with a 'K' and not a 'C'

Because you can't see in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drwu7e/why_is_dark_spelt_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
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Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Trump," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drwmdd/everyone_knows_dave/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drwl8m/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drwk2o/what_did_the_buddhist_say_to_the_hot_dog_vendor/
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I always give my 100%

and thats how i died after visiting the blood donation camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drw9zt/i_always_give_my_100/
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A hamburger walks into a bar

The hamburger sits down at the bar and asks the bartender “hey can I get a beer?”
The bartender replies “sorry we don’t serve food here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drw930/a_hamburger_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Jokes about white sugar are rare.

Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drw7y6/jokes_about_white_sugar_are_rare/
%
What is the difference between AC and DC?

AC Hertz more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drw7pj/what_is_the_difference_between_ac_and_dc/
%
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach?

It's not Hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drvzxw/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
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Somone hit me with a block of cheese yesterday

I turnt arround and said 'That was mature wasn't it? '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drvzl5/somone_hit_me_with_a_block_of_cheese_yesterday/
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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drvwb4/i_desperately_needed_a_massive_shit_on_the_train/
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Obi Wan: Yoda, you en-route?

Yoda: Off course I am!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drvsws/obi_wan_yoda_you_enroute/
%
I paid a woman to do the things my wife won't do anyone...

Thank you Swift Cleaning Service, my apartment is super clean now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drvqx4/i_paid_a_woman_to_do_the_things_my_wife_wont_do/
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What's the difference between awkward and uncomfortable?

Underwear can be uncomfortable, but when you involve other people in the problem it gets awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drvkp2/whats_the_difference_between_awkward_and/
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I hate being patronised

Patronised means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drvgub/i_hate_being_patronised/
%
I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.

Months of training wasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drvggq/i_just_found_out_cock_fighting_is_done_with/
%
Pacific Islanders are some the greediest people I've met!

Every time I give them something, they always end up wanting Samoa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drvfxy/pacific_islanders_are_some_the_greediest_people/
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drvanu/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
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As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside yelled: “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!”

To which the vicar shouted back: “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drv9k9/as_the_coffin_was_lowered_into_the_ground_at_a/
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What do you get when Freddy Mercury fucks your ear?

Hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drv5b1/what_do_you_get_when_freddy_mercury_fucks_your_ear/
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A pessemist sees a dark tunnel

An **optimist** sees light at the end of the tunnel
A **realist** sees a freight train
The **train driver** sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drutpu/a_pessemist_sees_a_dark_tunnel/
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What do you call it when two Vietnamese people agree on something?

A Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drusvo/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_vietnamese_people/
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Good cop/bad cop

Good cop: "You want coffee?"
Bad cop: "Where did you hide the money?"
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: "Answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drulxh/good_copbad_cop/
%
Hey guys it’s no nut November...

Which sucks cuz thanksgiving is the only time I see my cousins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drulos/hey_guys_its_no_nut_november/
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The UK C.E.O of McDonald's has been fired

Putting his meat between the wrong buns apparently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drukir/the_uk_ceo_of_mcdonalds_has_been_fired/
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What does an uneducated pornstar know?

Nutting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/druh87/what_does_an_uneducated_pornstar_know/
%
The sad truth is, there’s a lot in our universe that we don’t understand...

Physicists need to stop trying to put a positive spin on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/druehv/the_sad_truth_is_theres_a_lot_in_our_universe/
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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

He didn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a “for sale” sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute perfect condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. “Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.” Saying so, he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”
“No problem,” he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. “She’s got a great body,” he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her in every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, “All right, that’s enough, I’ll do the fucking dishes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drubc6/joe_wanted_to_buy_a_motorbike/
%
I once knew a guy whose parents were from Chernobyl

On the one hand, he was friendly but on the other hand, he was quite clingy. But on the third hand, he had eight fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dru62z/i_once_knew_a_guy_whose_parents_were_from/
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A gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says,
“The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for living?”
Gambler says “I am a professional gambler.”
“A gambler?” said the IRS agent with slightly puzzled and surprised look on his face.
“Yes, I make my money betting, would you like a demonstration?”
“Sure,” said the IRS agent “let’s have a demonstration”
“I will bet you $1,000 that I can bite my eye” said the gambler.
“OK, you have a bet” replied IRS agent with a smirk on his face. The gambler pops out his glass eye and bites it. IRS agent is shocked as he did not see that coming, and he did agree to a $1,000 bet in front of the gambler's attorney.
“All right, all right, this was not really fair” said the gambler. “I will give you a chance to win your money back. I will bet you another $1,000 that I can bite my other eye.”
The IRS agent looks over the guys paperwork and see that he is not legally blind and takes the bet. The gambler takes out his dentures and bites his other eye. The IRS agent is now visibly stressed for being on the hook for $2,000.
“I'll tell you what. Double or nothing, I will stand on the edge of your desk, close my eyes and piss into the garbage can on the other side of the room without spilling a drop, what do you say?”
IRS agent is a little perplexed, but does not see how that would be possible and takes the bet. The gambler stands on the agent's desk, unzip his pants, closes his eyes and pisses all over the agent's desk.
“YES!!!” exclaimed the IRS agent knowing he won the bet and does not own the gambler any money.
“Ahh, shiiiit” said the attorney.
“What’s the matter?” asked the IRS agent.
“Well, he bet me $20,000 that he will come to your office today, piss all over your desk, and you would be happy about it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dru384/a_gambler_gets_a_notice_from_irs_that_he_is_being/
%
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”

An African student responds: What’s food?
A European student: What’s scarcity?
An American student: What are "other countries"?
A Chinese student: What’s "my own opinion"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drtxc5/an_international_school_teacher_asks_a_question/
%
5 am joke

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drtqra/5_am_joke/
%
Google quit showing me sex ads. I know there are desperate sluts in my area.

I have a mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drtqdb/google_quit_showing_me_sex_ads_i_know_there_are/
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We've all made mistakes. I made a left turn once....

It wasn't right, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drtpwi/weve_all_made_mistakes_i_made_a_left_turn_once/
%
What is a Yankee?

Same as a quickie but you can do it yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drto3n/what_is_a_yankee/
%
3 unwritten rules of life...

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drtfqc/3_unwritten_rules_of_life/
%
What do you call an annoying midget?

In-taller-able

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drtbul/what_do_you_call_an_annoying_midget/
%
What do you get when you cross breed a Chihuahua with a Great Dane?

A dead chihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drtauw/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_breed_a_chihuahua/
%
I like my sex the same way I like my grilled cheese sandwiches [NSFW]

Alone and all over the bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drt1hg/i_like_my_sex_the_same_way_i_like_my_grilled/
%
Have you ever wondered why people always tell you to sit down before telling you bad news?

It is because you won't stand for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drsoh1/have_you_ever_wondered_why_people_always_tell_you/
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What do you all think about guillotines? [DAD JOKE INCOMING]

They’re good on paper, but I don’t really like the execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drsaa3/what_do_you_all_think_about_guillotines_dad_joke/
%
She was lying there naked, what was I supposed to do?

The AUTOPSY.  The goddam AUTOPSY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drs8x5/she_was_lying_there_naked_what_was_i_supposed_to/
%
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He is a pickup artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drs7s9/a_friend_of_mine_tries_to_impress_girls_by/
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Speeding

A state trooper running a speed trap flags a sedan for traveling 75MPH in a 50MPH zone.  The trooper immediately flips on his lights and stops the car.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?", the trooper asks the driver as a matter of routine.
"It might be the six kilos of cocaine in the back seat.", says the driver.
The officer is taken aback and doesn't quite know how to respond.
"No sir, you were driv-"
"Well, is it the loaded 9mm in the glove box?" The driver continues.
The trooper places his hand on his gun and radios for back up before saying, "Sir, I need you to-"
"Look, if it's the dead body in the trunk, just come out and say it." The driver shockingly admits.
The trooper draws his gun, orders the driver out of the car, handcuffs him, and places him in the back of his squad car just as back up arrives.
The trooper tells his back up of the situation and they begin a search of the vehicle.  No drugs are found in the back seat.  The glove box contains only an insurance card.  The trunk is found only to have a spare tire and a roadside emergency kit.
Perplexed, the trooper and his colleagues suddenly hear from the squad car...
*I'll bet that lying bastard told you I was speeding too!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drs7ld/speeding/
%
One day the Emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and approached him, the emperor pulled out a box and opened it, and from it flew out a single fruit fly. Without hesitation, the Japanese Jeffery Epstien didn't kill himself samurai whips out his sword, shouts his battle cry and cuts the fly into two perfect halves. Impressed the emperor sends this samurai off.
Next, the emperor brings in the Chinese samurai. Again, as the samurai approaches, he opens the fly box. The Chinese samurai swings his sword and two perfect halves fall to the ground. The emperor, impressed, sends this samurai away.
Finally, it comes time for the Jewish samurai. As the samurai approaches, the emperor sets the fly free. Without hesitation, the Jewish samurai swings his sword but instead of the fly falling to the ground, it lets out an "eep!" and flies away. The emperor bursts into laughter and asks "you can't even kill a fly, why should I hire you?" The Jewish samurai looks him dead in the eye and replies "kill shmill... You try circumsizing something that small!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drs6ou/one_day_the_emperor_decided_he_wanted_to_find_the/
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I asked my friend to name two places where you could store water

"Well, damn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drs3hp/i_asked_my_friend_to_name_two_places_where_you/
%
What is a ghosts favorite porn?

Boo-kaki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drrqc4/what_is_a_ghosts_favorite_porn/
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Here is Finland, Netflix is geo-restricted and has very few shows

In fact, I just finnished watching everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drrmj6/here_is_finland_netflix_is_georestricted_and_has/
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An older, white haired man

Walked into a jewellery store one Friday with his beautiful, young girlfriend at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said " I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. " Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said " We'll take it"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. " I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon" he said.
Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. " There's no money in that account:.
"I know" said the old man" but can you imagine the weekend I just had?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drrfoy/an_older_white_haired_man/
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50 more sleeps until Christmas!

Or 3 if you’re a meth user.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drrap9/50_more_sleeps_until_christmas/
%
Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drr49l/apparently_danny_devito_is_casting_a_new_film/
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My teacher said we wouldn't be learning relative direction today.

I downright up and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drr12k/my_teacher_said_we_wouldnt_be_learning_relative/
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I thought people would flock to my bank if I offered 0% mortgages.

But there was literally no interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drqtm4/i_thought_people_would_flock_to_my_bank_if_i/
%
What bird flocks in threes?

A triangull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drqqqz/what_bird_flocks_in_threes/
%
My girlfriend left me because I'm too laid back.

Well, I think she left me. Haven't seen her in like a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drqqf0/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_im_too_laid_back/
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Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!”  Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drqn2q/little_bobby_was_in_class_and_wrote_ick_on_his/
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A paraplegic gave a moving presentation on how much he misses using his legs

He received a standing ovation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drqkmt/a_paraplegic_gave_a_moving_presentation_on_how/
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Everyone says I won't be able to make a film like The Truman Show.

Just watch me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drqi0x/everyone_says_i_wont_be_able_to_make_a_film_like/
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Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drqcqv/why_is_it_so_difficult_to_remodel_xrated_theaters/
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For Palestinians living on the West Bank...

the struggle Israel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drqc1b/for_palestinians_living_on_the_west_bank/
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There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses.

One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing.
This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how perfect she and her dresses were. She began to spiral and in the process, slowly began losing her breath. After a few moments, she was unable to breath completely and became unconscious.
When she regained her consciousness, she was still pretty traumatized but to her surprise she also found out that due to this incident, she had been awarded with her own place to live in. She thought that she is anyway not getting over her trauma so she might as well go to this place and try to live out the rest of her life peacefully and so she settled down in her new space.
A few years later, a stranger intrigued by the stories he had heard paid her a visit. He was surprised to see how great the angel's place was and out of curiosity, quickly asked, "How did you manage to get a place like this?"
"Because you see", she said, "the area of a rekt angel is the product of its lint and its breath".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drq5ey/there_was_once_an_angel_who_was_very_happy_with/
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What do you get with water at 69 degrees?

Noice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drq55h/what_do_you_get_with_water_at_69_degrees/
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A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on, "Take your child to work day" and as they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying…

Her father asked her what was wrong.
As everyone gathered around, she sobbed, "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drq0r7/a_man_took_his_6yearold_daughter_to_his_office_on/
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Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.

Without a doubt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drq02r/without_a_doubt_my_favorite_robin_williams_movie/
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What is yours but other people use it more than you?

Your wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drpwk6/what_is_yours_but_other_people_use_it_more_than/
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Why do cyclists make good bouncers?

They know how to handle bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drpvgh/why_do_cyclists_make_good_bouncers/
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I heard if you look in a map's corner and see the words "BLOODY ROSEMARY," you'll die.

But that's just an herb in legend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drprs7/i_heard_if_you_look_in_a_maps_corner_and_see_the/
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I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.

Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drpprr/i_foolishly_named_my_daughter_daenerys_before/
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Me: How much to buy a singing ensemble? Producer: You mean a choir?

Me: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drpj3n/me_how_much_to_buy_a_singing_ensemble_producer/
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Dad and Daughter

So, there was a dad, and one night, the dad watched his daughter do her nightly prayers and she said, "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The next day, Grandpa died. The dad thought it could all be a coincidence, until the next night, when the dad was watching his daughter do her nightly prayers and then she said, "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma." The next day, grandma died of a heart attack. The dad then thinks it couldn't be a coincidence, but it also could be, so he still doesn't tell anyone, until the next night when he was watching his daughter do her nightly prayers and she said, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now, the next day at work, the dad had anxiety the whole day, but when the clock struck midnight he thought, "I've survived!" He then says, "Honey, I have had the worst day ever." The wife says, "I've had the worst day too, the milkman died on the porch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drpi0i/dad_and_daughter/
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What's Harry Potters favorit way to get down a hill?

Walking.
JK, Rolling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drphi6/whats_harry_potters_favorit_way_to_get_down_a_hill/
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Whenever I'm in trouble, I think, "What would Jesus do" ?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drpfck/whenever_im_in_trouble_i_think_what_would_jesus_do/
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I was raised as an only child...

which really annoyed my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drpex6/i_was_raised_as_an_only_child/
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I had to quit my career as a gay pornstar because it was such a pain in the ass

So I got a sweet new job at a library because I'm very anal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drp99h/i_had_to_quit_my_career_as_a_gay_pornstar_because/
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My neighbors listen to All Star by Smash Mouth all day, every single day.

Whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drp818/my_neighbors_listen_to_all_star_by_smash_mouth/
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So I drove to an airport in Senegal

But I forgot my passport in Dakar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drp3xh/so_i_drove_to_an_airport_in_senegal/
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When my mates and I are bored we play catch with our watches

It's a fun way to pass the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drozgf/when_my_mates_and_i_are_bored_we_play_catch_with/
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Broke my finger last week.

On the other hand, I’m okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drow7c/broke_my_finger_last_week/
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A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”...

Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?...” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely.
“Suuuure...” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief.
The next day the man returns. “Your cat lose it’s tail again?” the farmer laughs. “No, sir. My wife needs a cup of milk for baking and I noticed that you have some milkweed back there. May I have some?” The farmer is even more confused this time but plays along. To the farmer’s surprise, the man comes back with a bucket of milk, says “Thank you” and carries on down the road.
The very next day the same man pulls up to the farmer: “Excuse me, sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you have some pussy willows back...” “WAIT A MINUTE!!!” The farmer shouts. “Let me grab my gloves, I’m comin’ with ya.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/droqx0/a_man_driving_past_a_farmer_tilling_his_land_says/
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And the Lord said unto John,

‘Come forth and you will recieve eternal life.’
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drop4v/and_the_lord_said_unto_john/
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There was once a man with a nasty case of Tennis Elbow...

After several weeks of pain, he finally went to his doctor. The doctor asked, "What seems to be the problem?" The man replied, "It's my elbow, I've got the worst case of tennis elbow." The Doctor said "Ah yes I see. Very serious indeed... Well there's only one thing to do. Take this cup home, and come back with a urine sample for me." The man looked at the doctor quite bewildered and asked "How on earth is a urine sample going to help my tennis elbow?!" The doctor simply replied, "Trust me, I'm a doctor."
On his drive home, the man continued to think about the urine sample, and the more he thought, the more irritated he got. He couldn't imagine why the doctor could need his urine, and he began to think that he was just being jerked around. So as he continued on his way home, he came up with a plan.
When he got home, he first had his wife pee in the cup, but thinking that wasn't enough, he went out to the garage and scraped some sludge out from underneath his car. Finally, as the ultimate insult, he jerked off into the urine cup. "This will show that doctor what I think of his urine sample," he thought to himself.
The following day, he returned to the doctor, and the doctor ran his sample. He came back with a grim look on his face. He looked at the results and said to the man, "Welp. I can tell you three things. First, your wife has chlamydia, second your Volvo needs an oil change, and third, if you don't stop jerking off, you're never going to get rid of that tennis elbow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dromh7/there_was_once_a_man_with_a_nasty_case_of_tennis/
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What do you call an STI that you get without having sex?

Immaculate infection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drof4c/what_do_you_call_an_sti_that_you_get_without/
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When you smoke to calm down

You’re literally becoming a higher being to seek peace and tranquility in your life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/droacd/when_you_smoke_to_calm_down/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dro8d1/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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My wife and I had a long argument last night as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Eventually I folded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dro3co/my_wife_and_i_had_a_long_argument_last_night_as/
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I was in the garden when my 5 year old granddaughter came up to me holding a water pail. She smiled real big and said, “This is for you Grandpa!” I said, “Thanks but what do you want me to do with it sweetie?”

She replied, “Dad said if you kick the bucket we’ll be rich!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drnuax/i_was_in_the_garden_when_my_5_year_old/
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How are transgender people and tomatoes alike?

Everyone argues about what they really are!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drnta6/how_are_transgender_people_and_tomatoes_alike/
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Three gay men decide what to do with the ashes of their deceased friend

Firt friend:
We should keep them in our house
Second friend:
We should scatter them over the grand canyon, he loved that place
Third friend:
Maybe we should eat them with Chipotle so he can tear our assholes apart one last time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drnt85/three_gay_men_decide_what_to_do_with_the_ashes_of/
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Why did the clock go back four seconds?

It was still hungry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drnogk/why_did_the_clock_go_back_four_seconds/
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Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drnn07/recently_monkeys_escaped_from_an_animal_testing/
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There are 2 Scouse men sat at a table

Man 1: ‘There has been a fire at Tesco’s!’
Man 2: ‘Has there?!’
Man 1: ‘No, Tesco’s!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drnjfg/there_are_2_scouse_men_sat_at_a_table/
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Three Kids

So there's three kids, and they all are playing Hide N' Seek. The kids' names are Trouble, Manners, and Shutup. Trouble is the seeker, Manners hid in the trash, and Shutup hid in the police station. A police officer comes up to Shutup and says, "Hey, what's your name?" He says, "Shutup." The police officer then says, "Where is your Manners?" Shutup says, "Manners is in the trash." The police officer finally says, "Are you looking for trouble?" Shutup then says, "No, Trouble is looking for me."
This is an old joke, I know, but hey, at least some old things are never forgotten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drngiw/three_kids/
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I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs

Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drnfa0/i_got_food_poisoning_from_eating_raw_eggs/
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What do you call a cow with no sense of humor?

A feminist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drms5o/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_sense_of_humor/
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Last week I thought I took a fatal overdose of Viagra

But don't worry, I'm okay now.
But my wife -- she took it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drmrkv/last_week_i_thought_i_took_a_fatal_overdose_of/
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I feel like we should all cut the guy who invented autocorrect some slack.

I'm sure he moans we'll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drmp9m/i_feel_like_we_should_all_cut_the_guy_who/
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What’s the diagnosis most psychiatric professionals give to doomsday preppers?

Stock home Syndrome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drmjgy/whats_the_diagnosis_most_psychiatric/
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My sister and my girlfriend share the same name

That's too bad, because every time we have sex I have to think about my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drmhip/my_sister_and_my_girlfriend_share_the_same_name/
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What currency do Jewish ogres use?

Shrekels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drmbf8/what_currency_do_jewish_ogres_use/
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The stupidest joke I'll ever make

An Italian man is married to his American car. They've been having financial problems, but the car wants to do something special for their new Mexican neighbors. The car asks "How about we throw them a party?"
To which the Italian man responds with "No"
"Why Not?" says the car spouse
The Italian man says "Because we just can't a-ford-a-fiesta!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drm15c/the_stupidest_joke_ill_ever_make/
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If I was to visit just one capital city it would be Seoul.

If I decided on another one, that would be Dublin. And if I added a third it would be Tripoli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drlxjc/if_i_was_to_visit_just_one_capital_city_it_would/
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It takes 2 people to make a problem

My parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drlpqq/it_takes_2_people_to_make_a_problem/
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Last night I woke up with Pamela Anderson and Naomi Campbell in my bed

I let out a sigh, got up and taped the posters back to the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drlkhx/last_night_i_woke_up_with_pamela_anderson_and/
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
**What do you call a cow with 2 legs?**
Your mom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drlitw/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

you look for fresh prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drlf0p/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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The oldest known British joke dates from the 10th century.

Found in a book of Anglo-Saxon poetry, it reads: "what hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?
Answer: A key."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drley9/the_oldest_known_british_joke_dates_from_the_10th/
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How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

none. they just beat the crap out the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drl8df/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drl40n/interviewer_how_do_you_explain_this_4_year_gap_on/
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A man is constantly asking his wife for a threesome for his birthday

and every year the wife says no.
This continues on for several years, until finally the wife has enough and finally agrees.
“Ok George, yes you can have your damn threesome. Who do you want it to be with?”
George quickly responds with... “Well, do you remember Sarah who works in accounting at my office?”
“Yes, of course....” the wife responds!
“Well, with her... and one of her friends.” George responded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drl2go/a_man_is_constantly_asking_his_wife_for_a/
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I read a book all about Stockholm syndrome.

Man it was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kind of liked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drkwtn/i_read_a_book_all_about_stockholm_syndrome/
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Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the supermarket when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy:
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
"That's okay," the young guy says. "It's a coincidence really because I'm looking for my wife, too."
"Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
"Right, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom, and wearing no bra. She has long legs and is wearing mini-shorts. What does YOUR wife look like?"
"Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drks4t/two_guys_one_old_one_young_are_pushing_their/
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Masochist: Beat me, whip me, hurt me, make me feel cheap!

Sadist:  No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drkhgl/masochist_beat_me_whip_me_hurt_me_make_me_feel/
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If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world...

Then Who is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drk8i4/if_watson_isnt_the_most_famous_doctor_in_the_world/
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Why do statisticians always go back to being cruel ?

Answer: reversion to the mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drjxir/why_do_statisticians_always_go_back_to_being_cruel/
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My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drjwjn/my_grandma_was_known_all_over_town_for_her/
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Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drjvv9/me_do_you_know_in_middle_east_most_of_married/
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I got fired from the pickle factory for putting my finger in the pickle slicer.

....she got fired too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drjvf0/i_got_fired_from_the_pickle_factory_for_putting/
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Why do the police in Hong Kong go to work early?

They like to beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drjqrd/why_do_the_police_in_hong_kong_go_to_work_early/
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Why do people never eat clocks?

Because it’s really time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drjpfx/why_do_people_never_eat_clocks/
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Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drjoc3/two_immigrants_from_africa_arrive_in_the_united/
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When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.

When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drjne9/when_somebody_makes_you_really_angry_count_to/
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A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by.

“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”
The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use.
A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, “Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!”
The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, “I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else…”
Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys walk by and once again the child yells, “Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”
“That’s it!” the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare. Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another walk through the park.
As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them. The boy turns to his father and says: “Father, what strange men are these, whose balls hang in parentheses.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drjlqx/a_man_and_his_son_recently_moved_to_texas_one/
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Why did the lady keep staring at her glass of orange juice?

because the carton said "concentrate" on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drjkm2/why_did_the_lady_keep_staring_at_her_glass_of/
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... a Buddhist Monk goes into a Zen pizza parlor & says, "Make me one with everything."

The Zen Monk goes, "very funny... that'll be $16."
The Buddhist gives him a $20 bill.
The Zen monk puts it in the till and walks off.
The Buddhist monk says, "Hey where's my change?"
The Zen monk calls back, "Change comes from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drjf2r/a_buddhist_monk_goes_into_a_zen_pizza_parlor_says/
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Ever heard of the Chinese mafia?

They made me an offer I couldn’t understand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drjej1/ever_heard_of_the_chinese_mafia/
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an agnostic, and an insomniac?

Someone who lies awake wondering if there really is a dog. \*rimshot\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drjb8x/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dyslexic_an/
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I asked my doctor if I have OCD because of my compulsive cleaning.

Apparently cleaning your browser history does not count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drj0q3/i_asked_my_doctor_if_i_have_ocd_because_of_my/
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I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it’s very relevant to my life...

Little to no goals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drj0c9/i_started_watching_football_soccer_because_i/
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Two behaviorists have sex.

One turns to the other and says, "That was good for you; how was it for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/driy7d/two_behaviorists_have_sex/
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My new podiatrist doesn’t know his right from his left.

Needless to say, we started off on the wrong foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drivsm/my_new_podiatrist_doesnt_know_his_right_from_his/
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My girlfriend called me up. She said, "Come over there's nobody home...

I went over.There was nobody home.
Rodney Dangerfield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drispq/my_girlfriend_called_me_up_she_said_come_over/
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My favorite pornstar died last night.

I woke up today with mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dripi5/my_favorite_pornstar_died_last_night/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam.
Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the jungle. Not that you could ever see those bastards mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes, he always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now, he knows that. It's... It's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness, back in the shit.
Also seven has a hook for a hand, which is very scary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drijoz/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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What kind of lingerie attracts the most donations for cam girls?

White knighties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drii82/what_kind_of_lingerie_attracts_the_most_donations/
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A man smokes a pack a day for 30 years

His wife, sick of it: do you realize that if you had saved all this cigaret money you could have bought a ferrari by now ?
The man answers: well where's your ferrari ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drih6c/a_man_smokes_a_pack_a_day_for_30_years/
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A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their trousers, and began lifting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their ‘pp’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ‘You must be in the 4th.’
‘No, ma’am,’ he replied, ‘I’m in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dridx6/a_group_of_2nd_3rd_and_4th_graders_accompanied_by/
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[OC] I was already on stage when I realized Take On Me was a bad karaoke song for me to sing...

It was a real Aha moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drica2/oc_i_was_already_on_stage_when_i_realized_take_on/
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What would we call if russia unite with all former Soviet Union nation?

...Soviet 'RE'Union

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drib7c/what_would_we_call_if_russia_unite_with_all/
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What's the diffrence between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drib2i/whats_the_diffrence_between_a_seal_and_a_sea_lion/
%
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

At least two, because it's still dark down in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dri9tu/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What's the difference between a chicken and a pregnant woman?

You can't debone a pregnant woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drhvq9/whats_the_difference_between_a_chicken_and_a/
%
Is it ignorance or apathy that is destroying the world today?

I don’t know, and I don’t really care,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drhrfl/is_it_ignorance_or_apathy_that_is_destroying_the/
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I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.

Which is the one about being in a closet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drhn1y/i_keep_getting_mixed_up_between_claustrophobia/
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I googled the world's funniest joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars",
Holmes asked: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson: " Well if there are millions of stars and even few of those contain planets, it's quite likely there are many planets like Earth out there, it's even possible that there is other forms of life out there"
Holmes replied: " Watson, you Idiot, it means someone stole our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drhmvh/i_googled_the_worlds_funniest_joke/
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Everybody knows of Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong, will. But have you heard of Cole's Law?

It's usually just finely shredded cabbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drhgor/everybody_knows_of_murphys_law_anything_that_can/
%
I sexually identify as a female

I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drhfkc/i_sexually_identify_as_a_female/
%
What happens when you fail at No Nut November?

Nuttin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drh9gv/what_happens_when_you_fail_at_no_nut_november/
%
Something you don't know about me - I'm an authority on wasp sounds.

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's only 50cents! So asked the guy in the shop to play it, just so I know it's OK. "Yes, of course!". Then it started to play...Bzzzz...Bzzwzzz...Wzzzzz..." etc. Anyway it finished. I said to the guy "I'm a world authority on wasp sounds but there's not a single wasp on there. "Oh! That's odd!" he said. Then "Aha! I know why! I played the bee side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drh6ud/something_you_dont_know_about_me_im_an_authority/
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My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong...

It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drh5uz/my_wife_threw_a_pack_of_turkey_and_a_lighter_in/
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My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.

Can’t say that I’m surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drh2ps/my_therapist_told_me_that_i_find_it_impossible_to/
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My friend asked me if I was going to Asia...

I told him, "Yeah, Siam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drgvvz/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_was_going_to_asia/
%
Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drgvha/why_do_plants_hate_math/
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What do you call a woman who throws all her bills on the fire......

Bernadette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drgrvk/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_throws_all_her_bills/
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What Italian dictator is either the strongest, or the fishiest?

Benito Muscle-ini or Benito Mussel-ini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drgqfz/what_italian_dictator_is_either_the_strongest_or/
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Overcoming my masterbation addiction...

... Was hard at first, but these days it's not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drgml9/overcoming_my_masterbation_addiction/
%
In architecture and armoury, a "boss" is a giant knob.

And also in general.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drg6ww/in_architecture_and_armoury_a_boss_is_a_giant_knob/
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"Sir, You have a bladder infection "

What's That??
"Urine Trouble, Sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drg5hx/sir_you_have_a_bladder_infection/
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People say toad has no gender

But he is a fun guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drg3xz/people_say_toad_has_no_gender/
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A Philanthropist visits the hospital

There was a very rich lady who gave most of her fortune to a hospital so the Chief of Staff gave her a special tour.
As they are passing one room she sees a man furiously jacking off in the corner.
“That’s disgusting “ she says but the doctor explains the the man has a rare disease that causes his testicles to swell and are quite painful if he doesn’t ejaculate every hour.
“Well, that’s understandable then, I guess.” She says and they move on to the next room.
There they see a nurse on her knees giving a patient a blow job.
Shocked, she turns to the doctor for an explanation and he says,
“Same disease. Better health plan “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drg17x/a_philanthropist_visits_the_hospital/
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I told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts

.... So he made me pay in advance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drg0re/i_told_my_psychiatrist_im_having_suicidal_thoughts/
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My penis is 12 inches....

.... delivered in 3 quick installments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drfzdp/my_penis_is_12_inches/
%
Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein starts counting and Pascal runs off and hides, but Isaac Newton just stands in front of him and draws a square on the ground. When Einstein opens his eyes he says “I found you Isaac”, but Isaac Newton responds “no you found a Newton over a square - you found Pascal!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drfyj1/albert_einstein_isaac_newton_and_blaise_pascal/
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What was Jesus' workout regimen?

CrossFit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drfwa9/what_was_jesus_workout_regimen/
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What did the baby Egyptian say when he got lost?

.
.
.
..
.
.
I want my mummy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drfueh/what_did_the_baby_egyptian_say_when_he_got_lost/
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McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm

He's their CIEIO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drftmu/mcdonalds_fired_ceo_steve_easterbrook_has_already/
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If I'm fat but identify as slim

Does that mean I am trans slender?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drfrvc/if_im_fat_but_identify_as_slim/
%
Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?

Mycoxafloppin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drfpnk/do_you_know_what_the_generic_name_for_viagra_is/
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what does Schrodinger's 101th experiment looks like?

1 not 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drfou3/what_does_schrodingers_101th_experiment_looks_like/
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What did yoda tell the snowman when he found out he had tunnelvision? (OC... you can probably tell)

All ICY is you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drfmim/what_did_yoda_tell_the_snowman_when_he_found_out/
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Did you hear about the anemic guy that cut all the grass on earth in a square pattern?

He mow globe in cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drfb6u/did_you_hear_about_the_anemic_guy_that_cut_all/
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a grade A+ joke

My friend asked why I carry a gun around the house. I said "decepticons." he laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster. it was a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drf7ss/a_grade_a_joke/
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I wanted to tell a comminist joke, but it isn't funny...

Unless everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drf04u/i_wanted_to_tell_a_comminist_joke_but_it_isnt/
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How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.
One to change the bulb,
One to hold the penis.
I mean father.
I mean ladder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drexqk/how_many_freudian_psychoanalysts_does_it_take_to/
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A wise man once said “When the rise of the machine happens...

Make sure you are nowhere near a dildo factory.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dretv2/a_wise_man_once_said_when_the_rise_of_the_machine/
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If two women get legally married, and eventually end up divorced...

Which one gets 3/4s of everything?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dres57/if_two_women_get_legally_married_and_eventually/
%
I used to live in a place with crazy thin walls.

I used to live in a place with super thin walls, which came with a lot of pros and cons
A big con was that at all times of day, you can hear people have nasty, carnal sex right next to you through the wall.
A pro, however, was that was if you knocked on the wall, and asked very nicely, you get to join in the sideways hokey pokey.
This led to a LOT of crazy, sex adventures.
All the crazy sex gets tiring after a while though, so eventually, I had to move out.
And I gotta say, it was really weird having to leave my parents place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drersg/i_used_to_live_in_a_place_with_crazy_thin_walls/
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A friend of mine sent me a ruler exactly 30.48 centimeters long

That's when I realized, something was afoot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drep2t/a_friend_of_mine_sent_me_a_ruler_exactly_3048/
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How do you turn a pig into a fox?

8 beers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dreoix/how_do_you_turn_a_pig_into_a_fox/
%
20 black people, 13 Jewish people, 18 Chinese people, 10 Russians and 26 white people are in a bar...

It's crowded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dren8u/20_black_people_13_jewish_people_18_chinese/
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I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dreim1/i_saw_a_man_dragging_a_loaf_of_bread_along_the/
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A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.

After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.
The father asks his kid “what’s the matter son?”
The kid replies “where are all the clowns that you say you work with?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dreg3s/a_six_year_old_boy_goes_to_work_with_his_father/
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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:
“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”
The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was having an affair, so I left work early to come home and try to catch her in the act. When I got home, sure as shit there she was, naked on the bed! I looked all over the apartment, but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere. So I went outside on our 25th story balcony, and there he was!! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! So I ran inside, and grabbed my hammer and ran back outside and started smashing his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go, and he fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and using all of my might, I grabbed my refrigerator, picked it up, and threw it over the rail and on top of the guy, crushing and killing him!! But all of the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.”
Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let the poor soul in.
Another man came walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter told this man the same thing—that in order to get in, he was going to have to make Saint Peter laugh. So the second started to tell Saint Peter how he died.
“Oh man, it was awful! I was doing aerobics out on my 26th story balcony of my apartment, when all of a sudden a flock of birds came out of nowhere and started attacking me! I was trying to get away, but I fell over the edge of my railing! However, on my way down I managed to grab the railing of the apartment below mine…but then this maniac suddenly showed up and started smashing my hands and fingers with a hammer until I let go! Fortunately for me, I landed in some bushes, but then some guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!
Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second guy into heaven, and was realizing he has found a way he could really start enjoying his job! About that time, a 3rd man comes walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter gave him the speech about needing to make him laugh, and asks him how he died.
“Oh man, you’re never going to believe this shit! Alright, so picture this—I’m butt naked and hiding in a refrigerator…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drecc6/its_getting_crowded_in_heaven_so_one_day_saint/
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A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”.
“Hey, mind your language!” says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”.
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
“Look at this huge fucker” says the priest, spotting the bishop.
“Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop.
“No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest.
“Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner”.
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
“Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her.
“My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked.
“No, sister that’s what the fish is called - a fucker”, says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!”
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
“Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest.
“And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop.
“And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:“ You know what?, You cunts are alright.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drebwg/a_priest_hooks_a_huge_fish/
%
A man walks into a bank and says to the teller

, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”
The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.
The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no fucking problem,” the man says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.”
“Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dreb7e/a_man_walks_into_a_bank_and_says_to_the_teller/
%
Doctor: You should stop masturbating

Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong?
Doctor: It's making me really uncomfortable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dre8yd/doctor_you_should_stop_masturbating/
%
Whenever Batman sees a women

Dark Knight rises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dre6fq/whenever_batman_sees_a_women/
%
A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.
"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer
"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer
"This is not my car."
"Please sir, open the glove compartment."
"I can't, there's a gun in there that I used to steal this car."
The officer, already quite worried, says:
"Open the trunk."
"No way! The car owner's body is in there, which I killed to steal his car."
Surprised, the officer decides to call his sergeant. Arriving at the scene, the sergeant addressed the lawyer:
"License and registration!"
"Here you go sir. As you can see, the car is in my name and the license is regular."
"Open the glove compartment!"
The lawyer, with very calm gestures opens it and says:
"As you can see, only papers here."
"Open the trunk!"
"Sure. Empty, as you can see."
The sergeant, quite embarrassed, says:
"There must be some kind of mistake. My subordinate said that you had no license, that you didn't own the car because you had stolen it using a gun that was in the glove compartment that you used to the owner of the car, whose body was in the trunk."
"Oh wow. Now I bet that bastard will try to tell you that I was overspeeding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dre27e/a_lawyer_was_driving_more_than_120_miles_per_hour/
%
My mom said I was repetitive, condescending, forgetful and repetitive.

But one day, I’ll be sure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dre102/my_mom_said_i_was_repetitive_condescending/
%
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drdxyn/ive_been_diagnosed_with_a_rare_condition_that/
%
Three Nuns

There were three nuns. They all told a priest they were going to do one sin each.
So the priest says, "Ok, do your sins. Come back and I'll bless you."
So they went to do their sins and came back to be blessed.
The priest asked the first one, who was laughing what her sin was.
She said, "I had sex with a guy."
The priest said, "OK". Blessed her and told her to drink some holy water.
So she did.
The next one was laughing harder and the priest asked her what her sin was.
She said, "I got in a fight with another nun."
So the priest says, "OK". Blessed her and told her to drink some holy water.
So she did.
The priest asked the last one, who was laughing even harder what she did.
And as she was laughing, she said, "I pissed in the holy water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drdxla/three_nuns/
%
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drdx1e/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
My password needed eight characters

So I chose Snow White and the seven dwarves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drdtup/my_password_needed_eight_characters/
%
I had a dream I was swimming in a fizzy orange ocean...

It was a Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drdg8i/i_had_a_dream_i_was_swimming_in_a_fizzy_orange/
%
One hillbilly says to the other, "You wanna play twenty questions?"

The other hillbilly asks, "What's that?"
He says, "I write something on a piece of paper and you get twenty questions to guess what it be."
So he takes out a piece of paper and writes "donkey dick" on it.
The other hillbilly takes a second to think and asks, "Can you eat it?"
And the first hillbilly replies, "Well, I reckon you can." The other one says, "Is it donkey dick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drd0p2/one_hillbilly_says_to_the_other_you_wanna_play/
%
Happy wife, happy life.

Happy husband, suspicious wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drcxiv/happy_wife_happy_life/
%
I asked a pregnant woman if it's going to be a boy or a girl.

"They're questioning," she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drcwcu/i_asked_a_pregnant_woman_if_its_going_to_be_a_boy/
%
What’s the difference between pooping and caring?

One is taking a shit, the other is giving a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drcvn0/whats_the_difference_between_pooping_and_caring/
%
What do you call a Italian hooker?

A pastatute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drcqck/what_do_you_call_a_italian_hooker/
%
What is a sexy terrorist good at?

Blowjobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drcphf/what_is_a_sexy_terrorist_good_at/
%
What do you call a pornstar who doesnt cum?

A master baiter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drcpdo/what_do_you_call_a_pornstar_who_doesnt_cum/
%
How many Irish men does it take to change a light bulb?

One but he has to be drunk so the room spins around while he holds the lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drckvq/how_many_irish_men_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Why can’t a T-Rex clap?

Dinosaurs went extinct many years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drcj4c/why_cant_a_trex_clap/
%
What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drcbcb/what_rock_group_has_four_men_that_dont_sing/
%
Fancy dress party

A factory hired two new <insert ethnic minority here> employees.
At lunchtime the HR dept officer tells them about the factory annual fancy-dress party that just happens to be on Saturday night.
"now guys, this'll be a great way to bond with your new co-workers, we are having a costume party and the theme is emotions."
Saturday night arrives, party is in full swing when there's a knock at the front door.
The two new employees are standing at the front step buck-naked.
The first has his dick flopped into bowl of custard.
The second has a piece of fruit wedged on the tip of his cock.
HR officer spots them and says
"what the hell!? I said this is an emotions party -not some sort of kinky orgy!
Look at Fred over there, he painted himself red - he is dressed red with rage.. And Sally is wearing a green dress- she is green with envy...what emotion are you two perverts dressed as?? "
First guy "well-i am fucking disgusted*"
Second guy "yes, and I am deep in dispair**"
*fucking dis custard
**deep in dis pear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drc4wk/fancy_dress_party/
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Hiring manager: "What's your greatest weakness?"

Man: "I’d say honesty ."
Hiring manager: "I don't think that's a weakness."
Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drc29k/hiring_manager_whats_your_greatest_weakness/
%
My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?
Nah. Need to stay in character.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drbxik/my_crush_asked_my_help_to_impress_a_boy_so_i_told/
%
I wish I could be ugly for one day.

I hate being ugly everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drbwe5/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_one_day/
%
Before invention of electricity

Judge: I sentence you to death by the acoustic chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drbwc0/before_invention_of_electricity/
%
I was in an English exam and they asked “Write the past tense of ‘Think'”

I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drb8yu/i_was_in_an_english_exam_and_they_asked_write_the/
%
I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.
Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's collecting hobby.
Every day since January 1st, 1949, he collected ties with funny designs and wore them to work. Some had cats, or snakes or airplanes. He had close to 100 by the time he died several years ago. I remember as a kid how much I loved them, he had stories of what happened to him while.he wore those ties. He had an awesome memory and was good at telling stories.
When he passed, he left them to me. I couldn't keep all 100, and I also gave some to my cousins, but I decided to keep the ties that were his absolute favorites: his chicken pattern ties.
One day, he wore his first chicken tie when he met my grandmother. From then, he collected more chicken ties to remind him of her. I wear them every now and again, as well.
Thanks for reading this. I like to talk about them, but all my friends act weird when I tell them about my granddad's Hen Tie collection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drarsa/i_went_for_a_walk_through_memory_lane_today/
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An elephant walks into a piano bar just as the pianist is playing a particularly sad song.

He sits down by the pianist
and weeps.
The pianist says "I'm sorry, has
this song upset you?"
The elephants answers, "No, but I
recognise that ivory, you prick".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drakz8/an_elephant_walks_into_a_piano_bar_just_as_the/
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My penis may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drajby/my_penis_may_not_be_12_inches/
%
What's the best cheese to hide a horse with?

Mascarpone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/draivt/whats_the_best_cheese_to_hide_a_horse_with/
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A genie says: I’ll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double

The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/draic5/a_genie_says_ill_grant_you_three_wishes_but/
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I saw a guy stealing railings from a public park

“Hey stop doing that, asshole!” I yelled.
He took a fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/draf9o/i_saw_a_guy_stealing_railings_from_a_public_park/
%
What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/drabvl/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_cant_draw/
%
I had sex for one hour and 12 seconds last night.

Thanks daylight savings!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dra411/i_had_sex_for_one_hour_and_12_seconds_last_night/
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I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dra354/i_sat_next_to_baby_on_a_ten_hour_flight_i_didnt/
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I really wouldn't call myself a grammar nazi

I would perfer to be called alt-write

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr9xot/i_really_wouldnt_call_myself_a_grammar_nazi/
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Lately, i called a chinese restaurant for a reservation

i also mentioned that i would bring my little dog.
They told me: "No outside food allowed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr9uq0/lately_i_called_a_chinese_restaurant_for_a/
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I just took a DNA test, turns out, I'm 100%

going to jail for shoplifting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr9tfj/i_just_took_a_dna_test_turns_out_im_100/
%
I hosted a NNN party

Nobody came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr9n5c/i_hosted_a_nnn_party/
%
“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”

“No, shit, Sherlock.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr9mqc/hey_watson_is_that_mud_on_our_boots/
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The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!

On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr9lug/the_craziest_thing_happened_at_a_bar_tonight_a/
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I have fetish for twisting up water hoses

Some would call it a kink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr9jh5/i_have_fetish_for_twisting_up_water_hoses/
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What animal has more lives than a cat?

A frog. It croaks every night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr9j5v/what_animal_has_more_lives_than_a_cat/
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My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?"

I said "Cold War Russia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr8r7y/my_friend_asked_me_if_you_could_have_any_super/
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I’m so lonely

Even Brexit has been on more dates than me this year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr8qfs/im_so_lonely/
%
I hate being Bipolar

It's awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr8n4r/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
What does a pirate do after a long days work?

He has some Arr and Arr!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr8dtb/what_does_a_pirate_do_after_a_long_days_work/
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You didn’t even allow that sink to come in for one minute.

_Let that sink in for a minute._

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr85h7/you_didnt_even_allow_that_sink_to_come_in_for_one/
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What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a womens track team?

The pygmies are a tribe of cunning runts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr7yzb/whats_the_difference_between_a_tribe_of_pygmies/
%
I should name my dog Ariana Grande

That way I could say that I fucked Ariana Grande

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr7xja/i_should_name_my_dog_ariana_grande/
%
First time having sex was like my first time riding a bike.

My dad was holding me from behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr7tvc/first_time_having_sex_was_like_my_first_time/
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I am trying to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it is turning out to be really difficult.

Good players are hard to find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr7rab/i_am_trying_to_organize_a_professional_hide_and/
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I‘m not an animal rights activist or something...

But i think it‘s kinda fucked up that they make sweaters out of turtles necks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr7myi/im_not_an_animal_rights_activist_or_something/
%
I used to be a boy in a girl’s body…

Then I was born :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr7eq8/i_used_to_be_a_boy_in_a_girls_body/
%
why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr7a0b/why_have_canadians_begun_mixing_weed_tim_hortons/
%
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr79nf/i_just_bought_my_friend_a_mini_fridge_for_his/
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Shortly after Mozart's death, all his music started disappearing but people couldn't figure out why.

Turns out he was just de-composing in his grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr73ip/shortly_after_mozarts_death_all_his_music_started/
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The boomerang is Australias' biggest export.

...and import.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr6yrv/the_boomerang_is_australias_biggest_export/
%
A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."
"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest
"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."
"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."
"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"
"Of course, my son."
"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr6taq/a_man_went_to_confession/
%
Who's the world health organization?

Yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr69ka/whos_the_world_health_organization/
%
I like my health bars just how I like my plants.

Green and long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr68f7/i_like_my_health_bars_just_how_i_like_my_plants/
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Two hunters jokes

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr6771/two_hunters_jokes/
%
What's ET short for ?

So he can fit in the spaceship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr64gk/whats_et_short_for/
%
I like changing the power of my urine's stream while pissing.

It's the only thing I can control in my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr60z3/i_like_changing_the_power_of_my_urines_stream/
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I suspected my wife might be cheating on me so I went to my psychic to find out

And there she was, licking that bitch's pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr6061/i_suspected_my_wife_might_be_cheating_on_me_so_i/
%
My girlfriend is always wearing my t-shirts and sweaters.

But if I wear one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr5zi9/my_girlfriend_is_always_wearing_my_tshirts_and/
%
This year I vow to be twice the husband and father that I have been

I’m gonna spend equal time with my secret family in Connecticut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr5w9o/this_year_i_vow_to_be_twice_the_husband_and/
%
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.

He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on.
The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since I can't drink with them, I order 3 pints of Guinness and take a sip in turn from each one; and they also do the same in New York and Sydney"
So each day the Irishman would come into the bar, order his 3 pints of Guinness and everyone got to know his story.
One day, he walks in and orders only 2 pints of Guinness...
The bar goes silent. Finally, the bartender approaches him and says "On behalf of everyone at the bar, I want to extend our condolences on the passing of your brother..."
The Irishman replied, "Oh, no, it's not that!! It's just that I've given up drinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr5uzp/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_3_pints/
%
I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she slept with.

She said: "Yes, I didn't sleep with the others"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr5suw/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_i_was_the_only_one_she/
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A CEO went to see his lawyer and was greeted with the following comment:

"I have some good news and some bad news for you.”
“OK, I've had an awful day, so let’s hear the good news first,” the man replied.
“Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now worth a minimum of 2 million.”
“Well done, very good news indeed!" said the CEO enthusiastically. "You’ve made my day. Now, what is the bad news?”
“The pictures are of you in bed with your secretary.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr5k18/a_ceo_went_to_see_his_lawyer_and_was_greeted_with/
%
Politics

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on
The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered..."
The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington. DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr5cih/politics/
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I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.

I have to make every second Count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr57pt/i_started_a_job_making_plastic_dracula_figurines/
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A Lame Date

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.
Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.
Much to her surprise the guy was a great conversationalist and really interesting and they just clicked.
They got back to her house and things get hot and heavy.
As the clothes start to come of the guy hesitates a bit and asks that the lights to be turned off because he doesn't want to be so vulnerable on a first date.
She understandably agrees and the lights are turned off and she experiences the most intense love making of her life. The orgasms were intense.
In the morning she told him that he was the greatest lover he ever had. He thanked her for a great nights and for her kind words. He then confessed "I didn't want you to find out right away, but I also lost my penis in the war."
She was flabergasted. But how then? He couldn't finger her, or use hands, and it was certainly not a tongue she felt last night.
She was stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr552p/a_lame_date/
%
A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.
The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.
The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information.
But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell.
"How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr51n7/a_french_spy_an_english_spy_and_an_italian_spy/
%
A man limbos into a bar

He lost the game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr4tt8/a_man_limbos_into_a_bar/
%
Written on bathroom wall

Three things I hate:
1. Vandalism
2. Lists
3. Sarcasm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr4l9o/written_on_bathroom_wall/
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Discussing with a woman is like reading software license terms.

In the end you ignore everything and click on "accept".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr4cog/discussing_with_a_woman_is_like_reading_software/
%
What is the benefit of having emo grass?

It cuts itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr47h3/what_is_the_benefit_of_having_emo_grass/
%
As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors

because I don't believe in higher powers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr46ir/as_an_atheist_i_find_tell_my_maths_teacher_i/
%
Quitting drugs is easy...

I've done it like a thousand times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr42nu/quitting_drugs_is_easy/
%
An 80-year old man buys a Corvette

He gets it out on the open highway and takes it to 80, then 100, then 120 before he knows it.
He looks in his mirror to see flashing red lights so he pulls over.
The highway patrolman walks up and say, "You know how fast you were going and I know how fast you were going. I've heard every excuse in the book but if you give me one I haven't heard, I'll let you go."
The 80-year old looks the trooper up and down and says, "My wife left me thirty year ago for a highway patrolman and Inwas afraid you were bringing her back!"
Trooper closes his book and sends the Corvette driver on his way!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr41vs/an_80year_old_man_buys_a_corvette/
%
Me: The place with more tanks?

My GF: IDK, a war?
Me: An aquarium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr3qu1/me_the_place_with_more_tanks/
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Duck a Fuck

A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price.
The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.
The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.
The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road.
He went up to her and said I’ll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said “Ok”. They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I’ll give you your duck back if you’ll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road.
They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said “I’m so sorry i killed your duck. I’ll give you $40 to make up for it.
When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made.
He said “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr3mf7/duck_a_fuck/
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So the interviewer asked the applicant if he had any experience as a conductor.

He responded, "Yeah, I've done a bit of training"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr3m7t/so_the_interviewer_asked_the_applicant_if_he_had/
%
An Australian old man walks into a hospital.

He says, "I came here to die."
The nurse says, "No, you came here yesterdie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr3bp0/an_australian_old_man_walks_into_a_hospital/
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr3b0g/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr3ag9/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
Which country holds the most electric charge?

Coulombia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr35yc/which_country_holds_the_most_electric_charge/
%
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.

He's a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr33zb/im_currently_dating_a_famous_soccer_player_hes_so/
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This never gets old!

Saying Java is Good Because it Works on All Operating Systems, is Like Saying Anal Sex is Good Because it Works on all Genders!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr33q7/this_never_gets_old/
%
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr2a3c/i_was_applying_for_australian_citizenship_and_the/
%
Why is Hitler better than Epstein?

In a herioc last act, Hitler killed one of the biggest criminals of his time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr288d/why_is_hitler_better_than_epstein/
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What do you call the outbreak of speaking disorders?

The apocalisp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr220j/what_do_you_call_the_outbreak_of_speaking/
%
How did the ATM feel at the end of a busy day?

Withdrawn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr1xpa/how_did_the_atm_feel_at_the_end_of_a_busy_day/
%
I hope your butt has a license

Because just looking at it is driving me nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr1uw1/i_hope_your_butt_has_a_license/
%
The Wizard of Oz was imperial.

Bit the Wizard of CC was metric.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr1lh1/the_wizard_of_oz_was_imperial/
%
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy: “Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.”
The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr1ijo/the_cowboy_lay_sprawled_across_three_entire_seats/
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Every time a bird shits on my car.

I eat scrambled eggs on my porch to show them ass holes what I’m capable of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr1fv0/every_time_a_bird_shits_on_my_car/
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There’s a fly buzzing over the water.

A frog is sitting on a lily pad and he says if that fly drops three inches I’ll eat him for lunch.
A fish under the water is looking up and he says if that fly drops three inches that frog will jump, then I’ll jump and I’ll eat that frog for lunch.
There’s a bear on the side of the pond and he is watching. He says if that fly drops three inches, the frog will jump, the fish will jump and I’ll jump and eat that fish for lunch.
There’s a hunter in the woods who’s watching.  He said if that fly drops three inches, the frog will jump, the fish will jump, the bear will jump and I’ll shoot that bear and eat him for lunch.
There is a cat in a tree above the hunter looking down at the hunters lunch bag and sees a tuna fish sandwich. He says if that fly drops three inches,the frog will jump the fish will jump the bear will jump the hunter will shoot the bear and run down and I’ll jump down and eat the hunters tuna fish sandwich for lunch.
Just then the fly drops three inches. The frog jumps, the fish jumps the bear jumps the hunter shoots the bear and he runs down and the cat jumped down to eat the tuna fish sandwich. When the cat jumped he hit a branch, flipped and landed in the water.
What’s the moral of the story?
Every time a fly drops three inches a pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr1f2h/theres_a_fly_buzzing_over_the_water/
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I hate it when someone doesn’t know difference between to and too

Its just two annoying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr1ej9/i_hate_it_when_someone_doesnt_know_difference/
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I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr17p8/i_tried_brewing_my_coffee_with_red_bull_instead/
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My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]
Me: Excuse me, what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr0zg5/my_crush_you_know_you_remind_me_alot_of_my_brother/
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An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I’ve spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr0q31/an_old_cowboy_sat_down_at_the_bar_and_ordered_a/
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The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room Jeffery Epstien didn't kill himself laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr0pol/the_pope_dies_and_arrives_in_heaven/
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I complained to my local video rental store because they only have one movie to rent.

They said, take IT or leave IT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr0ni7/i_complained_to_my_local_video_rental_store/
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Did you hear Schwarzenegger got a job killing mice?

No he’s an ex-terminator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr0lzl/did_you_hear_schwarzenegger_got_a_job_killing_mice/
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Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...

Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr0kqr/did_you_hear_that_famous_blonde_haired_actress/
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My favourite sex position is the JFK

Splatter all over her face as she screams and tries to get out of the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr0fhu/my_favourite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
%
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr0efv/a_man_playing_on_a_new_golf_course_got_confused/
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An old man is in the hospital

A nurse walks in and he asks, "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse, taken by surprise replies, "I'm sorry?"
So he asks again, "Are my testicles black?"
Nurse shakes her head but decides to check for him, after all she is a nurse. She lifts his robe, takes his testicles in her hand and inspects them.
She lowers his robe, raises back up and says, "Sir, you'll be happy to know that your testicles aren't black."
He looks at her, removes his oxygen mask and says, "That's great and all, but are my test results back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dr02i1/an_old_man_is_in_the_hospital/
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Most modern clocks these days auto-update when daylight savings begins/ends. So this morning I'm walking around my house thinking wow...

...times have changed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqzza0/most_modern_clocks_these_days_autoupdate_when/
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An Amish family visits a mall...

...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into the elevator. The door shuts, and after a few minutes, a pretty lady walks out alone.
The father then said: "Go get your mother".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqzyjm/an_amish_family_visits_a_mall/
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How is sex on a boat like Budweiser?

They’re both fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqzxfw/how_is_sex_on_a_boat_like_budweiser/
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Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqzxbz/last_night_a_chinese_guy_came_to_my_favorite_bar/
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Whats the name of the procedure to turn a woman into a man?

A strapadictomy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqzx7h/whats_the_name_of_the_procedure_to_turn_a_woman/
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Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.

I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqzv5t/some_nice_chinese_couple_gave_me_a_very_good/
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As I was leaving the Museum, the alarm went off

Am I really that old?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqztyk/as_i_was_leaving_the_museum_the_alarm_went_off/
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A student asks his chemistry teacher

Student: Do we get zinc sulfate when zinc reacts with sulfate?
Teacher: I zinc SO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqzryh/a_student_asks_his_chemistry_teacher/
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Why was the rodeo clown frustrated with his job?

He was tired of all the bull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqzm57/why_was_the_rodeo_clown_frustrated_with_his_job/
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If fresh noodles are noodles, what are expired noodles called?

Oldles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqzl56/if_fresh_noodles_are_noodles_what_are_expired/
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I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early today. He said “only if you make up the time”

I said “okay. It’s quarter past a million”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqzjia/i_asked_my_boss_if_i_could_leave_half_an_hour/
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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqzh76/a_straight_tree_and_a_gay_tree_lived_next_to_each/
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How do you turn a soup into gold?

You add 14 carrots in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqzgep/how_do_you_turn_a_soup_into_gold/
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I finally read the entire Encyclopedia of Clocks

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqzdpq/i_finally_read_the_entire_encyclopedia_of_clocks/
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Since I started stealing money from my wife to pay for prostitutes, my friends have started calling me “Robin Hood”.

Stealing from the bitch and giving to the whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqzcr3/since_i_started_stealing_money_from_my_wife_to/
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A non-observable electron...

...went into two bars...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqz9ly/a_nonobservable_electron/
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What do you call a alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqz97k/what_do_you_call_a_alligator_wearing_a_vest/
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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession of wearing a different t shirt every hour.

I said, “Wait! I can change!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqz8n8/my_wife_is_leaving_me_because_of_my_obsession_of/
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A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be

The atheist replied with " God "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqz3qh/a_man_asks_an_atheist_if_he_had_the_ability_to/
%
Want to hear a wedding joke?

I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqyx5f/want_to_hear_a_wedding_joke/
%
I went skydiving today.

The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqyspu/i_went_skydiving_today/
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Multi tasking

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men
are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once."
At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"
"Give me an example," she replied.
"Well, while I was fucking you last night, I was thinking about your friend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqyqiy/multi_tasking/
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He is coming!!!!

When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqyq06/he_is_coming/
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A true work question

I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."
I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqypn9/a_true_work_question/
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My gay mate was really embarrassed after I caught him sucking a dildo.

I think he’s put it behind him now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqyn7p/my_gay_mate_was_really_embarrassed_after_i_caught/
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Asian guy goes into bank to check on his million dollars!!!

Asian: why do I only have 999 900 dollars instead of 1 million dollars
Bank teller: Fluctuations
Asian: Fluck you too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqyjii/asian_guy_goes_into_bank_to_check_on_his_million/
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Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqyi6q/apparently_as_a_4year_old_hitler_was_saved_from/
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Whats a diabetics drug of choice?

Diet coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqye5y/whats_a_diabetics_drug_of_choice/
%
Flying To Boston

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqydr0/flying_to_boston/
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A DnD themed take on an old joke

A young woodsman's blink dog died while hunting a giant elk. The poor creature was wounded on the elk's horns and bled out, despite the woodman's best efforts. The man was distraught. This blink dog had become his father's friend during their adventures in the Feywild, and it was almost like his older brother since he was born.
Remembering that an old adventurer had set up shop in a nearby town, the woodsman rushed his hound there to try and resuscitate it. By the time he arrived and was greeted by the adventurer, the blink dog didn't seem to be breathing. The adventurer was ready to break the bad news to the woodsman, but seeing the faint hope in his eyes, decided to try his best. Casting a quick Message cantrip, he called over one of his associates in the building. The woodman turned to see a man in dark leather walk in. His face was hooded, but the paleness of his skin was still evident. On his shoulder sat an imp that grinned at the woodsman as the man spoke to him. "I have a spell," he said, his voice barely a whisper, "that only affects living creatures. If your dog still lives, it will at least twitch when I cast it. Observe." Raising a crystal ball, the pale man pointed his finger at the woodsman from behind it. Immediately, a dark fog seemed to settle on the woodman's limbs, and he struggled to stay up. Brushing off a faint sweat from his forehead, the man turned to the blink dog and repeated the spell. The fog, however, seemed to pass entirely through the hound, not affecting it in the slightest. With shaky legs, the man whispered, "I'm sorry", and left without another word.
The adventurer turned to the woodman and placed his hand on his shoulder, but the woodsman shrugged him off. "No, there must be some mistake, this can't be right!" Deciding to humour the man, the adventurer once again silently Messaged someone nearby. The door opened, and a Tabaxi with dark black fur and a bow over her shoulder silently stepped in. Without saying a word, she knelt by the blink dog, gently feeling its wounds, it's skin, and its head. After a minute of this, she rose, shook her head at the adventurer, and left. As she closed the door behind her, the woodsman could see a single tear on her whisker.
The adventurer sighed and said, "Srapes-tree-bark is never wrong about these things, I'm afraid." His hands shaking in grief, the woodsman simply whispers "No. No, you're wrong." With another sigh, the adventurer agrees to humour the woodsman one more time, and calls another person over. The door suddenly flies open, and the most extravagant gnome of all time walks in, striking a pose with every step. The woodsman, despite his grief, can't help but to applaud. The gnome leaps and bounds over the blink dog once, twice, thrice. The woodman is in awe, clapping and stamping his feet, but the blink dog doesn't so much as twitch. Seeing this, the gnome dabs at his eyes with a silken handkerchief before cartwheeling out of the room.
"That was Beedle, and no living thing can resist his charms and entertainment. I'm very sorry, young man, but your dog has departed this world." the adventurer prepares to see the woodsman out, but the latter asks for one more favour. "Can I know that his soul is not troubled, so that I can bury him in peace?" The adventurer pauses, but agrees. He calls one last person over. The door opens, and a goliath of over 8ft walks in, bending down to get through the door. Her robes are fine silk, but cannot conceal her powerful frame. Taking out a book bound in granite, she Whispers an incantation, and gestures around the room with a wand that looks like dragonbone. After a few minutes, she closes her book, and pats the woodsman on the back, saying, "His spirit is strong, but he is at peace. He is glad for all you did for him". She then leaves the room.
Despite the grief of losing his friend, the woodsman smiles sadly, and thanks the adventurer for the closure he has received. "How much do I owe you?" "1 000 gold.", The adventurer replies, without batting an eye. "1 000 gold!?" cried out the woodsman. "To tell me my dog is dead and isn't going to haunt me!?"
"Well," said the adventurer, holding an abacus, "It's 100gp for the heX-ray, 200gp for the Cat scan, 300gp for the Fab test, and 400gp for the Massive Specter-meter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqydbq/a_dnd_themed_take_on_an_old_joke/
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My mom is such a lovely woman

Luckily, the dumb skank only reads the titles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqxpdu/my_mom_is_such_a_lovely_woman/
%
What do you call shooting someone on Halloween?

Trigger treating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqxmjy/what_do_you_call_shooting_someone_on_halloween/
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My friend had this really fancy business meeting...

He had this special outfit prepared, but he needed it to be properly fitted, to look nice. I offered to do it but he said he could do it himself
"Fine," I said...
"Suit yourself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqxfq5/my_friend_had_this_really_fancy_business_meeting/
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A man walks into a bar

He lost the limbo contest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqwvcm/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Scientists are saying that the capital of the Republic of Ireland has increased by a staggering 100%!

It’s Dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqwkx3/scientists_are_saying_that_the_capital_of_the/
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A kid is walking down the street in the redlight district

A police officer walks up to him and says “Hello sonny, how are you doing?”
Kid says “alright”
Cop says “well what are you doing?”
Kid says “I’m looking for a whore”
Cop says “A whore? How old are you?”
Kid says “I’m nine...”
Cop says” Well what do you want a whore for?”
Kid says “So I can get a disease”
Cop says “Blimey, what kind of disease?”
Kid says “A sexually transmitted one...”
Cop says “What do you want a bloody disease for?”
Kid says “Well if I get it, I go home and fuck the
babysitter and she gets it, then she fucks my dad and he gets it, then he fucks my mom and she gets it, then she fucks the gardner, and that’s the cunt I’m after because he squashed my frog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqwdol/a_kid_is_walking_down_the_street_in_the_redlight/
%
I know a funny math joke

But I’m 2^2 to say it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqw88w/i_know_a_funny_math_joke/
%
I had sex for an hour and 30 seconds last night!

Thanks daylight savings!
(I saw this joke a few weeks ago, today is the perfect day for it!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqw3o9/i_had_sex_for_an_hour_and_30_seconds_last_night/
%
There are 2 farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a Bar having a beer..

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.
"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."
"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."
"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.
"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"
"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."
"Yes, yes I do have a house!"
"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."
"Yes, yes I do have a family!"
"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."
"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.
"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.
"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.
"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqw3jy/there_are_2_farmers_jim_and_bob_sitting_in_a_bar/
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I have a scary joke about math

But i am 2² to say it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqvwup/i_have_a_scary_joke_about_math/
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What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?

You can have your cake and eat it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqvu7d/what_happens_when_no_one_comes_to_your_birthday/
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A pun walks into a bar and kills 10 people.

1 pun in, 10 dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqvjv4/a_pun_walks_into_a_bar_and_kills_10_people/
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So a guy and a girl are on a date, when they walk past a pond with swans in it.

The girl turns to the guy and says “I can talk to animals.” The guy looks at the girl and says “I gotta see this!” So the girl turns to the swans and says,
“HEY SWANS, FUCK YOU!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqvfoa/so_a_guy_and_a_girl_are_on_a_date_when_they_walk/
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According to a recent poll 9 out of 10 people have never had Steak Tartare.

Apparently it's very rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqvayw/according_to_a_recent_poll_9_out_of_10_people/
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What’s brown, and sounds like a bell?

DUNNNNNG!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqv7zb/whats_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
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A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.
He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, especially after a few beers. Business started to boom and Blackie became somewhat of a public figure.
One night Blackie was snoozing on the sidewalk outside the bar when a cyclist came speeding through and ran over her tail. She was taken to the vet and the tail unfortunately had to be amputated, but the man, being eccentric and deeply affectionate towards her, had it stuffed and mounted on the wall.
Blackie lived many long and happy years after the incident, but the day came that she passed on. The bar owner, along with many community members were extremely saddened by the news.
A few nights later, the man is cleaning up the bar in the early morning hours after shutting down for the night. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a dog approaching him from across the room.
"Blackie, is that you?"
The dog spoke.
"Yes it's me, I am sorry that I that I left you. But I desperately need your help. I went to heaven after I died, but they won't let me in. God said that he can't let dogs into heaven if they don't have their tails, but since I was a good dog he let me come back for tonight to retrieve it. I know you still have mine and I need it back if I am ever to rest peacefully."
The man replied,
"I'm sorry Blackie, but you know I can't retail spirits after midnight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dquz1l/a_man_bought_a_bar/
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Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dquyaj/life_keeps_getting_worse_last_night_a_thief_stole/
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I hate it when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean.

They shouldn’t talk about their country like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqux8z/i_hate_it_when_british_people_talk_about_the_big/
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The Spice Girls want to remind you to set your clocks back an hour tonight.

Because tonight is the night, when two becomes one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqusg6/the_spice_girls_want_to_remind_you_to_set_your/
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Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqueel/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
%
What is the main chemical compound in Viagra?

Macoxsafloppin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqtxor/what_is_the_main_chemical_compound_in_viagra/
%
Research Show that 1 in 3 people cheat...

Not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqttd8/research_show_that_1_in_3_people_cheat/
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Grandpa told me this

Guy lost his finger in a work accident
His wife was telling her friend about it
The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"
The wife replied "no, the one next to it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqtj9t/grandpa_told_me_this/
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So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqtcni/so_last_year_i_started_a_tradition_i_carry_a/
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There once was a man from Alabama . . .

He was a nice fellow. An unsophisticated hillbilly type but amicable to be around nonetheless. He was known as Catfish Jeb around the bayou because of that one time a catfish bit him in the . . .
Well, where the catfish bit him isn't important, now is it?
One day, very tragically, Catfish Jeb's wife and sister died. A terrible hunting accident where he was mistaken and thought he was shooting at a deer. Beyond distraught, Catfish Jeb hurried home to his cabin and called up his church's preacher, Bill.
Bill answered his phone right away, greeting happily in that churchy way. Despite the cheeriness, Catfish Jeb was in tears as he told the preacher what happened. "Ma wife and sis'ta are ded, Billy," he blubbered.
Bill was a little miffed; he hated being called Billy. But with the light of God always shining down upon him, he forgave Catfish Jeb the instant the misname left his lips. "I am terrible sorry to hear that, Jeb," the preacher consoled.
On the phone, Bill and Catfish Jeb arranged a funeral for the bumpkin's wife and sister to be held at the church. It was to take place that Sunday, right before the bake sale. They planned the flowers, the music. Bill agreed to have someone make pamphlets on the grieving redneck's behalf.
"One last thing, Joe," Bill said, pen poised in hand.
Catfish Jeb wiped at his eyes. "Yessa, preacher-man sir?" he simpered.
The preacher man pursed his lips. "Will you be needing one coffin, of two?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqt552/there_once_was_a_man_from_alabama/
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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqt4c3/a_monkey_is_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint_when/
%
Police arrested two kids, one for eating batteries, the other for eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqt3jm/police_arrested_two_kids_one_for_eating_batteries/
%
I don't care about your opinion, left will always be cozy and warm and right will always be cold and bitter

That's how the sink works

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqszji/i_dont_care_about_your_opinion_left_will_always/
%
God made a new rule...

You have to tell him how you died to get to heaven.
Guy 1 comes up and God asks him how he died, He said:
"I was walking home to my apartment and when I unlocked the door there was a burgular and he ran into my fridge. I threw the fridge out the window. I died of a heart attack though.
God let him in
Guy 2 comes up and God said "how did you die?"
He said "well I was on my trampoline in my appartment. The window was open and I fell out. I was lucky caught by a bush though. Then some one freaking threw their fridge on me!"
God let him in
Guy 3 comes up and God asks the same question'
He Said, "Imagine this, you where hiding in a refridgerator...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqszes/god_made_a_new_rule/
%
Here's a picture of me with REM.

That's me in the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqsvwa/heres_a_picture_of_me_with_rem/
%
It's a long one so please bare with me...

Homecoming is coming up soon, and a boy has been meaning to ask his crush to go with him, but has been pushing it back because of fear.  He wants to go with her so finally, at the end of the day he builds up the courage to ask her. He approaches her standing in front of her locker and asks her the question.
"Do you wanna go to homecoming with me?"
The girl took a second to respond, but she ended up saying yes. His face lit up in joy. After that encounter, he went straight home to let out his joy. When he got home realization hit him in the face. He was not prepared at all. He never expected to go, let alone his crush saying yes.  He had to get a tuxedo for himself, a corsage to give to his crush  and a limo for them to go to the party to.
Right away he dropped his stuff and went to the tuxedo rental store. When he got there he saw a long tux line stretching halfway across the block. It was the only tuxedo store nearby so he stood in line. So he waited, and waited and waited. A couple of hours later, it was his turn. The boy approaches a worker there,
"Please tell me you still have a tux for me." The man with a slight grin says " lucky for you, I have exactly one more".
Happy as ever, the boy accepts and buys the tux.
After leaving the store, he runs to a nearby floral place to buy a corsage for his crush. When he gets there, he sees a long floral line stretching across the block. It was the only nearby store he could get a corsage, so he stood in line. And he waited, and waited and waited. Finally his turn comes up and greets an elderly woman. He approaches her and says "Please tell me you still have a corsage for me" . The old lady happy as ever says "lucky for you, I have exactly one more."
Without hesitation, the boy buys the corsage and runs to the nearby limo rental kiosk. When he gets there he sees a long limo line wrapping around the block. It was the only nearby place where he can get a limo, so he stood in line. And he waited, and waited and waited. Finally, his turn comes up and greets an elderly man. He approaches him and asks, "Please tell you still have a limo for me."
The man bright  as ever smiles and says "lucky for you I have exactly one more."
Without hesitation the boy rents the limo and heads home ready for homecoming.
A few days pass and it's homecoming. He picks up his crush in his tux, gives her the corsage, and they leave in the limo to go to the party. When they get inside, he sees the dancefloor to the left and the refreshments table with a bowl of punch to the right. The boy asks his crush if she would like some punch. She says yes, so he approaches  the punch table, sees the punch and there is no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqsp45/its_a_long_one_so_please_bare_with_me/
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Who was the most sexually active man in Brutish history? (nsfw)

Guy Fawkes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqsjex/who_was_the_most_sexually_active_man_in_brutish/
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Why shouldn't you have phone sex?

Because you might get hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqsh93/why_shouldnt_you_have_phone_sex/
%
Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.
The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.
The second friend, seeing this, goes down and shouts ‘I WANT A THOUSAND APPLE SHARES!’ When he reaches the bottom he lands in a huge pile of share certificates.
The third friend, very excited, slings his legs over the edge, pushes himself off down the slide, and shouts ‘WHEEEEEEEE!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqscun/three_friends_are_exploring_an_abandoned_theme/
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What happens to football players who go blind?

They become referees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqsc9z/what_happens_to_football_players_who_go_blind/
%
A deaf guy lost a lawsuit.

He didn't even know that there was a hearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqs4le/a_deaf_guy_lost_a_lawsuit/
%
My wife and I had this long argument about which vowel is the most important.

I think I won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqrvxe/my_wife_and_i_had_this_long_argument_about_which/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and Coke

. The bartender says, “Coming right up,” reaches below the counter, pulls out an apple and sets it in front of the man. “What the fuck is this?” asks the man. “Trust me, try it,” says the bartender. The man takes a bite and says it tastes just like rum. The bartender tells him to turn it around, so he takes a bite from the other side and exclaims it tastes just like Coke.
Another man walks in and asks for a gin and tonic. The bartender says, “Coming right up,” reaches below the counter, pulls out an apple and sets it in front of the man. “Are you fucking deaf? I ordered a gin and tonic,” shouts the man. “Trust me, try it,” says the bartender. The man takes a bite and says it tastes just like gin. The first guy, sitting next to him, tells him to turn it around, so he takes a bite from the other side and exclaims it tastes just like tonic.
Finally, a third man walks in and sits down at the bar next to the first two. The bartender asks him what he wants, and he replies he’s not sure yet and needs a minute. “This guy is magic, order whatever you want and he’ll give you an apple that tastes like it,” says the second man. “It’s true,” adds the first. Puzzled but curious, the third man says, “Alright, give me an apple that tastes like pussy.” The bartender reaches behind the counter and places an apple in front of the man.
The man takes a bit, violently spits it out, and yells, “This tastes like shit!”
“Turn it around,” says the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqrqi2/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_rum_and_coke/
%
I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a shit in days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqrlvo/im_emotionally_constipated/
%
Person 1: Knock knock

Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Britney Spears
Person 2: Britney Spears who?
Person 1: Knock knock
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Oops I did it again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqrk4q/person_1_knock_knock/
%
What do you get when you boil a funny bone?

Laughingstock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqrae7/what_do_you_get_when_you_boil_a_funny_bone/
%
How does a rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqr44l/how_does_a_rock_pee/
%
What is the fastest liquid on Earth ?

Milk, it's pasteurized before you even see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqqsaj/what_is_the_fastest_liquid_on_earth/
%
Two windmills are out in a field...

...and one says to the other: "What kind of music do you listen to?"
The other replies: "I'm a big heavy metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqqlf3/two_windmills_are_out_in_a_field/
%
Two mosquitoes go on a date.

The gentleman opens the door to the restaurant for the lady, and goes, “M’laria.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqqkbi/two_mosquitoes_go_on_a_date/
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqqbdo/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
A teacher asked in class: “How is your dad?”

A kid sits up and tries to answer: My dad is a legend for me!”
- Why, Billy? asked the teacher.
- Because he doesn’t exist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqqasu/a_teacher_asked_in_class_how_is_your_dad/
%
I sacrificed everything to pursue my dream of being an archeologist...

And now my life is in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqq8qz/i_sacrificed_everything_to_pursue_my_dream_of/
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My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqq724/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_she_says/
%
What's the most annoying type of person?

One who answers their own questions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqq5z4/whats_the_most_annoying_type_of_person/
%
I loaned a guy 50 bucks and he gave me a puppy today.

Paybacks a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqptlo/i_loaned_a_guy_50_bucks_and_he_gave_me_a_puppy/
%
What does a Catholic do before a confession?

He sins, obviously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqpj64/what_does_a_catholic_do_before_a_confession/
%
I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.

There so stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqpb1a/i_hate_it_when_people_dont_know_the_difference/
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A German man visits America for holiday.

The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"
The man says: "No, only holiday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqpad1/a_german_man_visits_america_for_holiday/
%
My sister dressed up as a deer for Halloween.

All my friends fawned over her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqoymm/my_sister_dressed_up_as_a_deer_for_halloween/
%
Here's a joke about a missing locomotive full of concepts and ideas.

Dang, I just lost my train of thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqoj0a/heres_a_joke_about_a_missing_locomotive_full_of/
%
I just nutted on my boss's daughter

Sadly, im self-employed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqod99/i_just_nutted_on_my_bosss_daughter/
%
I am insecure about my penis size, and going to a naked park in Germany didn’t help

Just as I was beginning to feel confident, a group of german girls walked by, pointed at my dick, and said “gross”.
Now I think it’s too small *and* it looks gross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqobh5/i_am_insecure_about_my_penis_size_and_going_to_a/
%
I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqo4mi/i_messed_up_during_a_guitar_recital/
%
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me $5,000 for hand jobs."
He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"
"$15,000" she replies.
"$15,000?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts
"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $15,000 for blow jobs."
"Fine, how can i say no?"
Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"
"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.
"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.
"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqo0i3/a_man_is_walking_the_las_vegas_strip_and_runs/
%
Google just bought Fitbit

Now they can track your steps online as well as offline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqnur0/google_just_bought_fitbit/
%
What’s a ghost’s favorite way to travel?

Spirit airlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqntmb/whats_a_ghosts_favorite_way_to_travel/
%
What do they give Tickle Me Elmo before he leaves the factory?

Test-tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqns5m/what_do_they_give_tickle_me_elmo_before_he_leaves/
%
you shouldn't date spirits

they'll always ghost you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqnbv8/you_shouldnt_date_spirits/
%
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...

I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqnbm3/i_saw_a_homeless_guy_on_the_streets_and_i_had_50/
%
What would Hitler’s invasion of Czechoslovakia be called if it was done by Gen Z’s?

Vibe Czech

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqnb8b/what_would_hitlers_invasion_of_czechoslovakia_be/
%
Going to an orgy in the South is a lot like going to Olive Garden

When you’re there you’re family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqna2l/going_to_an_orgy_in_the_south_is_a_lot_like_going/
%
Today I learned that I can make an ice cube melt just by concentrating on it and thinking ''Melt.''

I have to admit that it takes a lot longer than I expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqn6u6/today_i_learned_that_i_can_make_an_ice_cube_melt/
%
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?

Timber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqn51y/whats_a_trees_favorite_dating_site/
%
Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom?

You might think it's because he has no body to go with, but in reality it's just because he's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqn36s/why_didnt_the_skeleton_go_to_the_prom/
%
The great thing about sarcasm is

Everyone always gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqmxzk/the_great_thing_about_sarcasm_is/
%
“Take One” signs are like the speed limit

You can go about ten over before you get in trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqmpik/take_one_signs_are_like_the_speed_limit/
%
There are Twelve Days of Christmas....

....and not a single one of them is in fucking November.
:edit:  overheard at a gas station line.  figured I would share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqmnvv/there_are_twelve_days_of_christmas/
%
A ten-year-old boy called his school office and disguised his voice.

Speaking with as much baritone as he could muster he said, "Timmy Smith is very sick and he can't come to school today." The school secretary said, "I'm sorry to hear that. Who is this?" And the boy said, "This is my Dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqmjgo/a_tenyearold_boy_called_his_school_office_and/
%
if there would only be 2 genders

iron man would be a Fe male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqmdu3/if_there_would_only_be_2_genders/
%
What do you call horny waterfalls?

Viagra Falls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqmc4m/what_do_you_call_horny_waterfalls/
%
Request for a punchline

I'm not sure if this is the sub for it. Went through the rules but couldn't find anything on the matter.
So here goes.
Why did the skeleton carve the pumpkin?
Edit : Thank you for the punchlines. Got some chuckles. Much appreciated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqm8ve/request_for_a_punchline/
%
I may be sweet like sugar,

but I'll still beet you with my cane!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqm8rc/i_may_be_sweet_like_sugar/
%
Local police canine unit got all their leashes stolen today.

However, the case had to be closed due to the police having no leads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqm7a2/local_police_canine_unit_got_all_their_leashes/
%
Did you know that I can eat a rope and when it comes out the other end it will be tied?

I shit you knot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqm39m/did_you_know_that_i_can_eat_a_rope_and_when_it/
%
What do you call an Englishman holding the world cup?

The engraver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqm34f/what_do_you_call_an_englishman_holding_the_world/
%
Only anti-vax people will get this one

measles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqlzvi/only_antivax_people_will_get_this_one/
%
Man, I love my furniture.

Me and my recliner go way back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqlzco/man_i_love_my_furniture/
%
What do you call a slut mermaid?

An H2Hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqlpg1/what_do_you_call_a_slut_mermaid/
%
So I got a virus on my computer

And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.
Must have ransomware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqlp3q/so_i_got_a_virus_on_my_computer/
%
Doctor, doctor, I think my hearing's going!

What are the symptoms?
Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqll79/doctor_doctor_i_think_my_hearings_going/
%
This spider bit a kid and it gave him super speed...

Cause he died really fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqlii2/this_spider_bit_a_kid_and_it_gave_him_super_speed/
%
These guys are going hunting

They're sitting around a campfire drinking and drinking. They go out and kill a deer, they bring it back to clean and gut it. They drink some more. A little while later one of the guys stands up, and says, "I've got to take a shit." So he goes off into the woods but doesn't come back for a while. His friends go to check up on him and find him passed out in his shit. So just to mess with him they spread the intestines of the deer around him. They go back to the campfire and drink some more. Some time goes by and finally their friend comes out of the woods white as a ghost, he said "guys, I shit so hard my intestines came out! But by the grace of god and these two fingers I got them shoved right back up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqlihy/these_guys_are_going_hunting/
%
What’s a pilot’s favorite kind of bagel?

Plain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqldp6/whats_a_pilots_favorite_kind_of_bagel/
%
A naked man runs into a tailor's shop.

The tailor says "you can't be in here with no clothes on!"
The man says "aw come on dude, cut me some slacks?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqldmo/a_naked_man_runs_into_a_tailors_shop/
%
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother said, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I said. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dql15q/leave_the_peach_cobbler_in_the_kitchen_alone/
%
Fucked

A guy with no arms or legs is sunning himself on a beach near the waters edge.
3 babes are walking by and the first says "Hi there,  have you every been hugged?" the guy says no so she gives him a hug and walks away
The second sees this and asks "Have you ever been kissed?" the guy says no so she gives him a kiss and walks away.
The third asks "Have you ever been fucked?" the guys face lights up and he says no. She says "you will be when the tide comes in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqkxqt/fucked/
%
My biggest fear is dying alone.

That's why I drive a school bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqkt67/my_biggest_fear_is_dying_alone/
%
A mailman was trying to tell a joke while transporting a package

But he messed up the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqkrcc/a_mailman_was_trying_to_tell_a_joke_while/
%
Me and my dad read a book to understand each other better.

but we were never on the same page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqkqg7/me_and_my_dad_read_a_book_to_understand_each/
%
What do the testicles of a priest look like?

Silly question, every child knows that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqki2s/what_do_the_testicles_of_a_priest_look_like/
%
Hey girl, are you from Iraq?

Coz you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqkhqu/hey_girl_are_you_from_iraq/
%
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child to the bone in 45 seconds?

In other words, I lost my job at the aquarium the other day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqk7hn/did_you_know_that_a_piranha_can_devour_a_child_to/
%
I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..

First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqk5qu/i_adopted_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith_today/
%
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.

It's beniece me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqk5af/im_not_talking_to_my_sisters_spoiled_daughters/
%
Have you heard the joke about the broken lightbulb?

You might not like it, it's pretty dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqk1xt/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_the_broken_lightbulb/
%
I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.

I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqjyin/i_fed_this_kid_peanut_and_he_almost_died/
%
I could not resist buying a skunk today at our local pet store.

It just made so much scents to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqjxok/i_could_not_resist_buying_a_skunk_today_at_our/
%
A couple hooked up to the Joy of painting.....

9 months later they had a happy little accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqjwyi/a_couple_hooked_up_to_the_joy_of_painting/
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What do you give a stoned communist who did well on a test?

High Marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqjnu5/what_do_you_give_a_stoned_communist_who_did_well/
%
There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle. Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, " Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
You can't kill Two Birds
With
OneStone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqjgfm/there_was_a_man_in_jamaica_who_had_only_one/
%
Last night i got asked out bye not one, not two,

but zero people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqjeg9/last_night_i_got_asked_out_bye_not_one_not_two/
%
Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?

Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqj93l/why_is_it_difficult_to_follow_no_nut_november/
%
So i bought some of that Anti-stress shampoo.

Don't know why people like it so much, I drank the whole bottle, I feel worse if anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqj7j9/so_i_bought_some_of_that_antistress_shampoo/
%
This is an awfully hard time for me financially.

Last month I was unable to pay the bills to my exorcist and as a consequence I have been repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqj62n/this_is_an_awfully_hard_time_for_me_financially/
%
Spouses are a lot like FBI agents

They won’t ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqj53q/spouses_are_a_lot_like_fbi_agents/
%
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqj4fp/jesus_is_down_by_the_gates_to_heaven/
%
Why ghosts are so bad at lying

Because you can see right through them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqj3bk/why_ghosts_are_so_bad_at_lying/
%
What do you call an Englishman holding a bottle of champagne after a World Cup?

A waiter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqiu65/what_do_you_call_an_englishman_holding_a_bottle/
%
Why does it cost so much to pump your tyres nowadays?

Inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqiqku/why_does_it_cost_so_much_to_pump_your_tyres/
%
In all my years working at the Land Rover factory...

I made several discoveries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqiqhi/in_all_my_years_working_at_the_land_rover_factory/
%
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass

I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqiip9/i_went_to_the_doctors_for_the_first_time_in_a/
%
What did the prison guard say when Epstein cried for help?

"I'll be right there, just hang on for a minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqidvu/what_did_the_prison_guard_say_when_epstein_cried/
%
I’m taking a dump in the Vatican toilets.

I guess that counts as a holy shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqicg5/im_taking_a_dump_in_the_vatican_toilets/
%
I have the worst dentist in the world.

He even got a little plaque to prove it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqibrx/i_have_the_worst_dentist_in_the_world/
%
What animal has four legs and one arm?

A pit bull on a playground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqi8oh/what_animal_has_four_legs_and_one_arm/
%
Why did the squirrel fall dead from the tree?

Because it's No Nut November.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqi757/why_did_the_squirrel_fall_dead_from_the_tree/
%
My daughter told me she was frickin tired of my dad jokes.

Hi Frickin tired of my dad jokes. Im dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqi6ry/my_daughter_told_me_she_was_frickin_tired_of_my/
%
What do you get if you divide a pumpkin's circumference by it's diameter ?

Pumpkin Pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqi4ys/what_do_you_get_if_you_divide_a_pumpkins/
%
What do you call an uncertain bee?

A maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqi3ri/what_do_you_call_an_uncertain_bee/
%
What would masturbating after smoking weed be called?

"Highjacking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqhw6l/what_would_masturbating_after_smoking_weed_be/
%
Never talk to me about fashion

It just goes in one year and out the other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqhtbf/never_talk_to_me_about_fashion/
%
Yesterday I failed No Nut November

I guess I should have seen it cumming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqhks0/yesterday_i_failed_no_nut_november/
%
Me and my wife have only two things in common

We're both fucking men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqhf19/me_and_my_wife_have_only_two_things_in_common/
%
I'm dating a girl whose arms measure identically to mine when extended.

I think we're on the same wavelength.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqh9pr/im_dating_a_girl_whose_arms_measure_identically/
%
A man is praying to God

He laments "Lord! My dog died, my wife left me and my kids don't even want to speak to me, what gives?  What did I do to deserve this?"
Suddenly a booming voice echoes from the Heavens.  "I dunno George, something about you just pisses me off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqh9ng/a_man_is_praying_to_god/
%
I never click on these, because the punchline is rarely worth the effort.

Told you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqh5xy/i_never_click_on_these_because_the_punchline_is/
%
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you could say you are

Independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqgye2/if_you_put_a_picture_of_yourself_in_a_locket_you/
%
A builder

I had a builder in yesterday who had lost his ears in a bandsaw.
"Fucking hell," I said,
"how do you manage?"
"I can still hear," he said,
"I just get on with it."
"No, I mean where do you put your pencil?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqgw9d/a_builder/
%
What do you get when you spell “man” backward ?

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqgsxk/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backward/
%
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyoncé.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqgnfv/what_did_jayz_call_his_girlfriend_before_they_got/
%
What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqgl1e/what_did_little_johnnys_mother_do_when_she_caught/
%
How many guards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two; one to disable the cameras, and one to strangle Epstein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqg174/how_many_guards_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
What’s a politician’s favourite sex position?

Depends on how much you’re paying them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqfvo7/whats_a_politicians_favourite_sex_position/
%
I'll do algebra, geometry, trigonometry, and probability

but graphing is where I draw the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqfrau/ill_do_algebra_geometry_trigonometry_and/
%
Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”

Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqfqcy/guest_to_the_waiter_can_you_bring_me_what_the/
%
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex ?

Because when they find the position, they can't find momentum;
And when they find momentum, they can't find the position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqfpv3/why_are_quantum_physicists_so_poor_at_sex/
%
To the dwarf who stole my antidepressants ...

I hope you're Happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqfkwx/to_the_dwarf_who_stole_my_antidepressants/
%
My grandfather always said, “Be envied, not envious.”

I’m so mad that I didn’t come up with that quote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqfkti/my_grandfather_always_said_be_envied_not_envious/
%
A man screams at his TV, "No, you idiot! Don't walk into the chapel!"

"Horror movie?" his wife asks from the kitchen.
"No," he replies, "Our wedding video."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqfjki/a_man_screams_at_his_tv_no_you_idiot_dont_walk/
%
A guy just knocked on my door.

I opened it and he was about 3 foot 3 inches tall.
I said, “Who are you?”
He replied, “I’m the meter man.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqfcif/a_guy_just_knocked_on_my_door/
%
“Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed!” Said the Papa bear

Then the Mama bear divorced him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqfavk/somebodys_been_sleeping_in_my_bed_said_the_papa/
%
Why do witches trust black cats?

Because their familiar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqf4ht/why_do_witches_trust_black_cats/
%
What happens when the CIA goes to sleep?

They go undercover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqezsb/what_happens_when_the_cia_goes_to_sleep/
%
I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only memorizing even numbers.

What are the odds?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqexok/i_somehow_managed_to_make_it_through_high_school/
%
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl

Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqexhp/today_i_went_for_a_walk_with_a_beautiful_girl/
%
Halloween was last month?

Feels like it was yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqexab/halloween_was_last_month/
%
Why did the sad ghost use the elevator?

To lift his spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqeoq4/why_did_the_sad_ghost_use_the_elevator/
%
No sergeants allowed

It's a Private party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqelv3/no_sergeants_allowed/
%
[NSFW]I found this new social media channel of a cute girl in revealing outfit that teaches elementary mathematics

Her account is "The THOT that Counts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqekwy/nsfwi_found_this_new_social_media_channel_of_a/
%
Which game ruins the most relationships??

Russian Roulette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqe81u/which_game_ruins_the_most_relationships/
%
Why was the lesbian at a loss for words?

Cat’s got her tongue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqe4p9/why_was_the_lesbian_at_a_loss_for_words/
%
Virtually every Harry Potter character can teach us a lesson.

For example, Barty Crouch Jr. taught us that drinking can make you Moody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqdtva/virtually_every_harry_potter_character_can_teach/
%
I don't have empathy towards anyone.

But I feel bad for people that do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqdrwy/i_dont_have_empathy_towards_anyone/
%
I asked a Jewish bartender if he ever makes his own beer...

...he brew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqdo8z/i_asked_a_jewish_bartender_if_he_ever_makes_his/
%
I hate being bipolar...

It's great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqdm6c/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
What do you get when you mix a donkey and an onion?

A piece of ass that’ll bring a tear to your eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqde2b/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_donkey_and_an_onion/
%
A married couple were lying in bed one night.

The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and slide his fingers down there. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action.
The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband confused, asked, “What are you doing taking all your night clothes off?”
The wife replied, “You were playing with my “pussy,” I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.
The husband said, “No, not at all.”
Then the wife asked, “Well what the hell were you doing then?”
To which the husband replied, “I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqdca4/a_married_couple_were_lying_in_bed_one_night/
%
Whats the difference between a dairy farm and a McDonalds.

You’ll get arrested if you try to milk the cows at McDonalds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqdc1h/whats_the_difference_between_a_dairy_farm_and_a/
%
Dark humor is a lot like food in Venezuela

Most people don't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqd845/dark_humor_is_a_lot_like_food_in_venezuela/
%
Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member.

They ask him to tell his most memorable hunting story, and he does.
“Well, back in 1954 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we were big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know a huge lion jumps out of the bushes right in front of me and goes ROAR! Well, I just shit my pants.”
Amazed, one of the young men says, “I don’t blame you. I’d shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me like that!”
"No, not then," says the old man. "Just now, when I said ROAR."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqd7a8/two_new_members_of_a_hunting_lodge_get_introduced/
%
What do you get if you cross two kerbs, two lanes and a white line?

"I don't know", said the chicken, "but I'll find out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqd6hh/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_two_kerbs_two_lanes/
%
Reddit asked me to prove I'm human by identifying fire hydrants.

Joke's on them, I'm a dog and that was easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqd5ut/reddit_asked_me_to_prove_im_human_by_identifying/
%
A key that opens any lock is called a Skeleton Key. What do you call a lock that opens for any key?

A shitty lock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqd2f9/a_key_that_opens_any_lock_is_called_a_skeleton/
%
Americans were incredibly surprised to hear that Beto O’Rourke...

was running for President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqd0wh/americans_were_incredibly_surprised_to_hear_that/
%
You've heard of Elf on a Shelf, but have you heard...

Jeffrey Epstein definitely didn't kill himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqcw45/youve_heard_of_elf_on_a_shelf_but_have_you_heard/
%
What’s the difference between a golfer and a hang-glider?

When the golfer fails he goes *WHACK* “FUCK”, when the hang-glider fails he goes “FUCK” *WHACK*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqctdr/whats_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
%
Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqcs2g/who_will_survive_no_nut_november_the_longest/
%
What did the Redditor say after having sex with a prostitute?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqcq4k/what_did_the_redditor_say_after_having_sex_with_a/
%
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?

Aisle B, back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqcof9/where_does_walmart_keep_the_terminator_toys/
%
What does a marriage and a hurricane have in common?

It begins with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you still loose your house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqcg6h/what_does_a_marriage_and_a_hurricane_have_in/
%
Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.

I’ve been working on it tirelessly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqcam9/recently_ive_tried_to_make_a_car_without_wheels/
%
French Fries aren't actually fried in France.

They're fried in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqca44/french_fries_arent_actually_fried_in_france/
%
I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqc5nn/i_recently_discovered_i_can_move_my_sisters/
%
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqc4k3/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system/
%
Have you heard about the old man's gambling problem?

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.
A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.
The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agent asks where and how do you deposit all this money?
The old man explains I know how to gamble.
Impossible no man can gamble daily and deposit as much as you do
Ok let's make a bet. I bet you $500 I can lick my eye.
The agent observes him for a minute and say fine $500.
The old man pops out his glass eye and licks it.
The IRS agent in disbelief he just lost $500 said that it wasn't enough proof.
Alright fine I bet you $1000 I can bite my other eye with my teeth.
The agent took a minute and made sure there was absolutely know way it was possible and said ok $1000.
The old man pops out his dentures and bites his other eye.
The agent now in total dismay but still wanting to win said that he still wasn't convinced that he couldnt make this much money daily off cheep gimyics like this.
So the old man said you're right here's how I make my real money. I bet you $50000 I can stand on the opposite side of your desk sideways and piss in the can without spilling a drop on your desk.
The agent looked carefully and thought hard measured the desk and the distance and finally agreed $5000 but not a single drop.
The old man stands to one side of the desk and pees all over the place. Soiling all the documents on the agents desk and soaking his chair in urine.
The agent begins jumping with joy and celebrating that he just got $5000 from the old man.  Meanwhile the man's lawyer was crying.
Curious the agent asked what was wrong to which the lawyer responded I bet him $30000 he couldn't piss on your desk and have you be happy about it.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqc2al/have_you_heard_about_the_old_mans_gambling_problem/
%
Can someone explain nonprofit organizations to me?

They don’t really make any cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqc1qq/can_someone_explain_nonprofit_organizations_to_me/
%
How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?

$5,318,008

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqc112/how_much_was_texas_instruments_fined_when_they/
%
What's the difference between a fashion statement and being horny in WWI?

One's a French Tuck and the other's a...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqbxn0/whats_the_difference_between_a_fashion_statement/
%
What do you get when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent ?

Beats me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqbtvt/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_alcohol_with_an/
%
My wife told me that I had to stop impersonating a flamingo.

So I finally had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqbsoe/my_wife_told_me_that_i_had_to_stop_impersonating/
%
What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqbomq/what_do_rocks_and_girls_have_in_common/
%
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.

It was accidental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqbk6n/my_dentist_removed_the_wrong_tooth/
%
In a classroom...

The girl students were really upset and shouted together in class in unison for justice. The agahst teacher asked for a reason. They asked him to look at the blackboard in which was written in bold "**50% of girls don't have brains**", which the girls asserted was the job done by boys on purpose.
The teacher called one of the boys and asked if indeed this was true. The boy admitted that it was respectfully done by them. The teacher then asked him to correct the mistake and rewrite the sentence.
The boy dutifully moved forward and picked up the duster instead of the chalk to the amazement of the teacher and erased the word don't from the blackboard. The sentence now read "**50% of girls ~~don't~~ have brains**".
There was an awkward silence and then a Roar of applause from the girls for their victory. The boys and the teacher too joined in their celebration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqbh2u/in_a_classroom/
%
Are you a bank?

You need to leave me a loan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqbbm5/are_you_a_bank/
%
Why do blind people hate skydiving?

Because it scares the hell out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqba9d/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
%
My friend asked me where I see myself in the new year.

How would I know? I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqb8oe/my_friend_asked_me_where_i_see_myself_in_the_new/
%
I asked my wife to fake an accent from a developed country tonight...

to fullfill my fantasy that we have healthcare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqb5zy/i_asked_my_wife_to_fake_an_accent_from_a/
%
What's red and sounds like a parrot?

A parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqb2r4/whats_red_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqas57/i_saw_a_man_in_the_street_with_a_dog_and_a_white/
%
My wife is really self-conscious about how thick her eyebrows are

I told her she's crazy; most women would kill for *half* her eyebrows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqare4/my_wife_is_really_selfconscious_about_how_thick/
%
Which group of people are known for never getting mad?

The Nomads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqanyi/which_group_of_people_are_known_for_never_getting/
%
What’s California’s favorite band?

Earth Wind and Fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqaexp/whats_californias_favorite_band/
%
Four mathematicians walk into a bar..

all agree that there exists the perfect punchline to this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqa94p/four_mathematicians_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My book club has been on the same book for centuries.

Man I hate church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dqa5bw/my_book_club_has_been_on_the_same_book_for/
%
Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal in November 2006 at 4:19pm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq9zn2/having_too_much_sex_can_cause_memory_loss/
%
Halloween was last month?

Feels like yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq9vbx/halloween_was_last_month/
%
What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing... They fast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq9rwg/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/
%
Two blondes were doing a crossword.

One asks, "How do you spell paint"? The other one replies,
"What colour"??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq9nox/two_blondes_were_doing_a_crossword/
%
Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.
Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...
President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!
Assistant to the President: Sir ...
President: What is the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie?
Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir.
President: Rick?
Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq9i4z/assistant_to_the_president_sir_theres_a_crisis/
%
There are two kinds of people in this world:

(1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq9ch2/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same.

Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq99rw/mexican_jokes_and_black_jokes_are_all_the_same/
%
What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq97ap/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
%
A little known fact...

Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq8zmo/a_little_known_fact/
%
What did the hooker say to the dwarf??

Keep your nose out of my business!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq8uos/what_did_the_hooker_say_to_the_dwarf/
%
As the man of the house, I always have the last word.

"yes, dear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq8r5a/as_the_man_of_the_house_i_always_have_the_last/
%
With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq8o7s/with_cannabis_being_legal_for_over_a_year_in/
%
My friend is an unemployed circus clown. We nicknamed him Pennywise.

His career is in the gutter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq8nmt/my_friend_is_an_unemployed_circus_clown_we/
%
What do you call a Wookiee with a nicotine addiction?

Chew to' bacca

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq8i9n/what_do_you_call_a_wookiee_with_a_nicotine/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq8gj2/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq8f21/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
My wife wanted me to do something to make her sexy again

So I got drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq87aw/my_wife_wanted_me_to_do_something_to_make_her/
%
Me - "Arab countries are so backward, there most of married girls can't even vote on Soacial Media polls without asking their husbands."

Friend - "That's not the truth, there is no such law Arab countries"
Me - "But you need to have a guardian permission to sign up into Social Media if you are less than 13 years old"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq857n/me_arab_countries_are_so_backward_there_most_of/
%
[inventing the hot air balloon...]

I don't give a fuck where I go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq7qmy/inventing_the_hot_air_balloon/
%
My friend got caught stealing a car. I told him he should change careers.

He didn’t know how to take it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq7oez/my_friend_got_caught_stealing_a_car_i_told_him_he/
%
What's the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq7lbt/whats_the_best_part_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq7krf/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
Want to hear a joke about paper?

Nevermind, it's tearrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq7iwp/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_paper/
%
I hate that it's already no nut November

I'm going to have to jack it a whole lot to keep my mind off of cashews...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq7fjp/i_hate_that_its_already_no_nut_november/
%
What is a ghosts favourite thing to throw?

A boo-merang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq7d7m/what_is_a_ghosts_favourite_thing_to_throw/
%
I have a friend with a bouyancy fetish

Well whatever floats your boat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq7bzo/i_have_a_friend_with_a_bouyancy_fetish/
%
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

He's really good, knows his stuff forwards and backwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq7b4r/my_nerdy_friend_just_got_a_phd_on_the_history_of/
%
When I was young, my dad gave me a 30 minute Power Point presentation on the importance of wearing a condom if I ever have sex.

Turns out all the slides were just pictures of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq7ac0/when_i_was_young_my_dad_gave_me_a_30_minute_power/
%
Im sexually attracted to pillows

I sleep with one every night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq75dp/im_sexually_attracted_to_pillows/
%
I went to see my proctologist...

I went to see my proctologist for a thorough check-up.
After he looked me over, I said to him, "You know, I probably have one of the best digestive systems in the world. It's *so* good, that I ate TEN POUNDS of glitter the other day just for fun. What do you think?"
“Weird flecks. Butt OK.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq73cm/i_went_to_see_my_proctologist/
%
The conductor

There was once a bus conductor who was a dick to everyone.  One time when an old lady was getting on the bus, he blew the whistle which resulted in the lady falling off and dying.
The conductor was taken to prison and had to face the electric chair.
The power was turned on but astonishingly, nothing happened. The process was repeated a few more times but nothing seemed to happen and the jailors assuming the conductor to be a freak of nature, let him go.
Upon getting back his job, the conductor now decided to be good hearted.
The day he got back to his job, a similar situation occured where an old lady was getting on the bus. While trying to pull her in, the conductor's hand slipped and this led to the lady's demise although the conductor had the right intentions..
Arrested once again, the conductor had to face the electric chair.
The power was turned on....
The conductor died the second it happened.
Guess that's what happens when you turn into a good conductor after being a bad one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq72k6/the_conductor/
%
How many dead hitchhikers does it take to change a light bulb?

Well certainly more than four because it’s still pitch dark in my cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq6yaa/how_many_dead_hitchhikers_does_it_take_to_change/
%
A homeless man and his wife got married in a Laundromat. Where did he take her when she wanted a divorce?

He took her to the cleaners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq6xqv/a_homeless_man_and_his_wife_got_married_in_a/
%
If what they say about the size of a man’s package being related to his shoe size is true...

No wonder everybody’s looking for Bigfoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq6uq7/if_what_they_say_about_the_size_of_a_mans_package/
%
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can't stop staring at her.

So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though, firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley."
The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry.
The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?"
The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you, I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish."
The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq6sxz/a_nun_gets_into_a_cab_and_notices_that_the_driver/
%
Whats does a 9 volt battery and girls butt hole have in common.

You arnt suppose to lick it but you do anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq6qyf/whats_does_a_9_volt_battery_and_girls_butt_hole/
%
Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Son: Really? Because Uncle Dave was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq6lsn/son_daddy_what_are_those_big_round_things_on/
%
Late night we were driving home when one of my drunk friends was cracking jokes

I died laughing. Don't drink and drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq6k5h/late_night_we_were_driving_home_when_one_of_my/
%
Happened IRL We were at the cemetery. Talking about a dead person who got cremated. My dad said: I don't want to hear about you doing this to me!

I answered: You won't...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq6jjf/happened_irl_we_were_at_the_cemetery_talking/
%
What do you call a male panda?

Amanda!
*^((I know it's not saying much, but this is OC!))*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq6g2u/what_do_you_call_a_male_panda/
%
Why is a van the best defense against the wolf man?

If he is behind you he’ll get exhausted, if he’s in front he’ll get tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq5ywb/why_is_a_van_the_best_defense_against_the_wolf_man/
%
I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number.

and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq5x7a/i_went_to_the_club_last_night_chatted_up_this/
%
My confidence is like my eraser

It gets smaller after every mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq5wok/my_confidence_is_like_my_eraser/
%
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".  Hope he remembers that this year!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq5ryh/on_the_morning_that_daylight_savings_time_ended_i/
%
If a knight in Prague dons his armour

Does that mean the czech is in the mail!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq5q9p/if_a_knight_in_prague_dons_his_armour/
%
I tuck my knees to my chest and lean forward until gravity takes me.

That's just how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq5og5/i_tuck_my_knees_to_my_chest_and_lean_forward/
%
What happened to the triangle after he saw porn for the first time?

He became erectangle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq5hfg/what_happened_to_the_triangle_after_he_saw_porn/
%
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.

His sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq5efp/my_son_luke_loves_that_we_chose_star_wars/
%
My dad told me once, Son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right.

I saw my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq5c8o/my_dad_told_me_once_son_stay_out_of_strip_clubs/
%
What do Jack-o'-lanterns and Alabamians have in common?

They both pump-kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq56ib/what_do_jackolanterns_and_alabamians_have_in/
%
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq56hk/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
%
I hate family reunions....

I see too many of my ex’s there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq51sz/i_hate_family_reunions/
%
My grief counsellor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq51pe/my_grief_counsellor_died_just_the_other_day/
%
The test. What kind of homosexual are you?

>!You are a curious homosexual!!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq51ab/the_test_what_kind_of_homosexual_are_you/
%
I'm a social vegan.

I avoid meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq4xl4/im_a_social_vegan/
%
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...

...just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq4w94/stephen_hawking_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What can you kill, but still flies back to sting?

A zom-bee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq4bko/what_can_you_kill_but_still_flies_back_to_sting/
%
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse, I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq481h/my_friend_keeps_telling_me_to_cheer_up_these_days/
%
- I just build a machine that produces knives

- Is it any good?
- It's cutting edge technology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq3n5f/i_just_build_a_machine_that_produces_knives/
%
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.

Always walking around like they rent the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq3jwd/i_am_sick_and_tired_of_millenials_and_their/
%
I missed the bus today.

I really shouldn't be this sentimental about public transport.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq3gvq/i_missed_the_bus_today/
%
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq3f8m/when_does_a_bad_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees a 12-inch pianist.

He says to his bartender "Wow! That's amazing! Where did he come from?!"
The bartender hands the man a lamp and tells him that if he rubs it, the genie within will grant him a wish.
The man rubs the lamp and out pours a plume of smoke forming into a genie, right in front of him.
The genie stares at the man and says "You have awoken me, I will grant you one wish. What do you wish for?"
The man thinks for a second and then says, "I wish I for a million bucks!"
All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, outside there are ducks for as far as the eye can see.
Amongst all of the quacking the man says to the bartender “What on earth has just happened?!”.
The bartender replies "You tell me, do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq3e69/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_12inch_pianist/
%
So a Doctor has a patient.

The Doctor says, ¨Sir, I'm afraid that your DNA is backwards.¨
The Patient says, ¨AND?¨

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq3b3c/so_a_doctor_has_a_patient/
%
I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently.

I used a Squeegee board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq3a5f/i_managed_to_contact_the_spirit_of_our_window/
%
Spiders

are the only web designers who love finding bugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq39yk/spiders/
%
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq38za/i_asked_my_wife_to_dress_up_as_a_nurse_tonight/
%
The French must be really tough...

...because they eat pain for breakfast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq2som/the_french_must_be_really_tough/
%
I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq2kw3/i_collected_a_lot_of_data_trying_to_disprove/
%
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger

...Then it hit me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq2idy/i_wondered_why_the_ball_was_getting_bigger/
%
BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident

The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq2hra/breaking_stevie_wonder_suffers_major_laceration/
%
Signal joke

My friend is in the royal signallers corps and he doesn’t even get the signals his girlfriend is sending him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq2bxf/signal_joke/
%
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:
"Are you okay?"
"I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.”
I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now", she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. I was weak ...
"Well, okay," I finally agreed, "However, I'm sure my wife won't like it."
After a couple of Scotch, I thanked her and said:
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open.
"Stay for a while, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I suppose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq29oo/while_golfing_i_accidentally_overturned_my_golf/
%
Did you hear about the mountain bike who forgot his true purpose?

He was wheelie lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq26e9/did_you_hear_about_the_mountain_bike_who_forgot/
%
Rooster and a prostitute

What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
A rooster says cock a doodle doo.
A prostitute says any cock will do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq2609/rooster_and_a_prostitute/
%
My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq25z1/my_son_while_gazing_up_at_the_sky_asked_me_how/
%
What do you call someone who identifies as Eric?

Generic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq25dy/what_do_you_call_someone_who_identifies_as_eric/
%
Why do engineers confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because OCT 31= DEC 25.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq24aj/why_do_engineers_confuse_halloween_with_christmas/
%
I tell dad joke, but I don't have any kids.

I'm a faux pa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq23re/i_tell_dad_joke_but_i_dont_have_any_kids/
%
My wife and I have ,after a long discussion, decided we don't want children.

We're telling them tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq1yiw/my_wife_and_i_have_after_a_long_discussion/
%
I’m hammering a nail into the wall when my wife comments “You hammer like lightning”

I replied “you think I’m that fast?”
She said “no. You never hit the same spot twice”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq1wwi/im_hammering_a_nail_into_the_wall_when_my_wife/
%
In loving memory of my salary

Date given: November 1, 2019
Died: November 1, 2019

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq1m3y/in_loving_memory_of_my_salary/
%
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?

It’s eel-eagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq1i0a/did_you_know_that_its_wrong_to_breed_eels_with/
%
Do you remember the joke I told you about the piano movers spine?

It was about a week back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq0x1z/do_you_remember_the_joke_i_told_you_about_the/
%
Ever had real cane sugar?

It cannot be beet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq0tlk/ever_had_real_cane_sugar/
%
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq0sp7/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
%
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq0s5b/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
%
My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq0qox/my_wife_screamed_you_havent_listened_to_a_single/
%
A neutrino walks into a bar

and just keeps going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq0jdd/a_neutrino_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Guess who went to the jungle last night without telling his wife

A cheetah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq0ef6/guess_who_went_to_the_jungle_last_night_without/
%
I always felt bad for those living with HIV until I met someone who had it

They seemed positive enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq0e7s/i_always_felt_bad_for_those_living_with_hiv_until/
%
Most slutty costume for Halloween goes to?

That girl dressed up as my professor, she barely covered anything important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dq0ajp/most_slutty_costume_for_halloween_goes_to/
%
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpzusw/what_does_antihumour_have_in_common_with_a_half/
%
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?

Hedgehog: No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpzsui/me_can_i_have_a_turn_in_the_hedge_now/
%
A friend of mine told me about his plan to sell burial plots to rich Egyptians.

Sounded like a pyramid scheme to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpze13/a_friend_of_mine_told_me_about_his_plan_to_sell/
%
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night

Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter?
Dude 1 : they all did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpz3zu/i_made_6025_sucking_dicks_last_night/
%
"I thought I was a Biker"

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."
Then she got up and left. The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpyq4x/i_thought_i_was_a_biker/
%
If I have to see one more Jeffrey Epstein joke I'm literally gonna kill myself

Unlike Epstein who as we all know was murdered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpye8a/if_i_have_to_see_one_more_jeffrey_epstein_joke_im/
%
Why didn't the skeleton go to the Halloween party?

Because he had no body to go with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpy95r/why_didnt_the_skeleton_go_to_the_halloween_party/
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What country's capital has the fastest growing population.

Ireland, its Dublin everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpy86s/what_countrys_capital_has_the_fastest_growing/
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What was the millennial for Halloween?

Offended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpy7q4/what_was_the_millennial_for_halloween/
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How much do Chinese dumplings weigh?

Won ton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpy16h/how_much_do_chinese_dumplings_weigh/
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What do you call an undead shit?

Die-areha. I'll sit down now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpxm31/what_do_you_call_an_undead_shit/
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What did The Count say before he sneezed?

Ah-ah-ah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpxi36/what_did_the_count_say_before_he_sneezed/
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I've got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine

I hope it bares fruit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpxenq/ive_got_a_great_idea_for_an_automatic_orange/
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My brain is like a jail in the wild West

Just one cell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpx8e6/my_brain_is_like_a_jail_in_the_wild_west/
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Women...

If a man is trying to do something nice in the shower like wash your back, just let them do it instead of being rude and saying “who are you and how’d you get in my house”.
Thanks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpx6ht/women/
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A sketchy looking guy walked into my store and bought six smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be part of some extreme mist group.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpx68g/a_sketchy_looking_guy_walked_into_my_store_and/
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I hope Death is a woman.

That way, it'll never come for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpx0fp/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
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A woman pregnant with triplets , 2 girls and a boy, was walking down the street when she was shot 3 times in the stomach

Somehow, miraculously , she and all 3 of her babies survived. 19 years later she’s at a family reunion and her first daughter comes up to her , visibly shaken. She says “mom, I just pissed out a bullet and I’m freaking out!” She sits down and holds her head in her hands , panicking. The mom figures this was related to that day 19 years previously. She said “honey, don’t worry , I’ll explain what happened...”
She explains what happened and the daughter , feeling better, goes off back into the party. A few minutes later , her second daughter comes up and the same thing happens. The mom explains again, amazed that this is happening.
The daughter is relieved and goes to tell her boyfriend she isn’t dying of some weird bullet-related illness.
A few minutes after that, her son comes up and says “hey mom, you’ll never guess what just happened” and she says “you pissed out a bullet?”
“No.” He replied “I was masturbating and I shot the dog!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpwx1u/a_woman_pregnant_with_triplets_2_girls_and_a_boy/
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Why are there no haunted gyms?

All the ghosts have been exercised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpwvz8/why_are_there_no_haunted_gyms/
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My father found a way to make the family come closer

He just unplugs the modem,  therefore we are all running in the living room,  to see what the fuck is going on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpwlpr/my_father_found_a_way_to_make_the_family_come/
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Why did the skeleton go to the supermarket?

To get SPARE RIBS!
Happy Halloween to all the dad joke lovers out there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpwies/why_did_the_skeleton_go_to_the_supermarket/
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When getting intimate, I never play with anything on the left side of her body.

I guess you could say I'm a big fan of womans rights....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpwicb/when_getting_intimate_i_never_play_with_anything/
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GOD: 8

**ANGEL:** 9!
**GOD:** We shouldn't do this drunk
**ANGEL:** 10 lol
**GOD:** 15!!
**ANGEL *(mouthful of pizza)*:** 25!!
**GOD:** 30!!!
**CENTIPEDE:** *(tearing up)* stop giving me legs, I look stupid!
**GOD:** ONE HUNDRED LOL
**ANGEL:** LMAO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpvxnd/god_8/
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I got invited to a bad taste halloween party. I was going to go as a suicide victim.

But decided to go as Jeffrey Epstein instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpvucf/i_got_invited_to_a_bad_taste_halloween_party_i/
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpvt7w/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
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Why is there always a fence around a cemetery?

Because people are dying to get in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpvscv/why_is_there_always_a_fence_around_a_cemetery/
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A new take on "Why was 6 afraid of 7"

Because 7 is a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpvncv/a_new_take_on_why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpvjlc/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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What's a metaphor?

It's for jokes that reference themselves.
^(I'll see myself out...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpvg75/whats_a_metaphor/
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Someone just throw a handful of Omega 3 capsules at me.

I'm OK though, they are just super fish oil  injuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpvdoi/someone_just_throw_a_handful_of_omega_3_capsules/
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In 1940, the German Army was sieging a french city in a last ditch attempt

They had nothing Toulose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpvcti/in_1940_the_german_army_was_sieging_a_french_city/
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Why do women make terrible truck drivers?

Because you give them a full load, and they take 9 months to deliver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpvaiy/why_do_women_make_terrible_truck_drivers/
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What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don’t hang themselves.
Happy Halloween

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpv8bj/what_do_jeffrey_epstein_and_halloween_decorations/
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What do the twin towers and genders have in common?

There were two of them once and now it‘s a sensitive topic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpuw4v/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_genders_have_in_common/
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Why is it difficult to maintain an erection with bigger women?

Because there's too much riding on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpuowf/why_is_it_difficult_to_maintain_an_erection_with/
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I understand how batteries feel.

I barely get included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpuoiq/i_understand_how_batteries_feel/
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How to Mexican’s cut their pizza?

With Little Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpufbd/how_to_mexicans_cut_their_pizza/
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What do you call a Werewolf YouTuber?

Lycansubscribe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpubu6/what_do_you_call_a_werewolf_youtuber/
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What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?

They don’t hang themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dptx0a/what_do_christmas_lights_and_jeffrey_epstein_have/
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Arthur was having a walk and he saw a procession.

First, he saw two coffins. After that, he saw a man holding a *rotweiller* dog, followed by a really long line, only with men.
When the procession stopped, Arthur went to that man and asked:
\- What happened? Who died?
\- Well, it was my wife! My dog killed her!
\- Seriously? Who was the other person?
\- It's my mother in law! She tried to save my wife, but she also died!
Arthur thinks for a little bit, and he asks the man:
\- May I borrow your dog?
\- If you want to borrow my dog, go to the line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpttpo/arthur_was_having_a_walk_and_he_saw_a_procession/
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Halloween

A Trick or Treater just knocked the door dressed as Gloria Gaynor. At first I was afraid, I was petrified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpti6b/halloween/
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A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”

The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpt077/a_classics_professor_goes_to_a_tailor_to_get_his/
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I had the best bartender ever.

I was in this bar with a friend. I asked the bartender for the wi-fi password. He said, "You need to buy a drink first." So I ordered a coke. After I paid him, I asked again for the wi-fi password.
He said, "You need to buy a drink first . . . . No spaces, all lower case."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpsw0l/i_had_the_best_bartender_ever/
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What do you get when you cross Oedipus with King Midas?

Motherfucking gold, baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpshru/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_oedipus_with_king/
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(NSFW) A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dps481/nsfw_a_bus_full_of_nuns_falls_of_a_cliff_and_they/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dps0my/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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Three vampires were arguing who is the strongest among them.

So they decided to test their strength practically.
The first vampire, being the young blood got up and said "I'm the strongest and I'll prove it". He stood up and flew very fast out of the window. A while later he came back with his mouth covered in blood. He arrogantly said "You guys see the car over there?" Pointing to a car in the distance, he said "Well, I killed the driver in an instant and drank his blood"
The second vampire a matured senior, unfazed by the youngster's taunt, stood up and said "I'll show you how it's done" He flew out of window even faster than the youngster. A while later he returned with his face all covered in blood. He proudly said "You guys see those house over there?" Pointing a house in the distance, he said, "Well I went there and killed the entire family in an instant and drank all their blood"
The third vampire an experienced elder, with calm and stern face stood up and without saying anything, flew lightning fast out of the door. A while later he returned with his face, head, torso all covered in dripping thick red blood. As other vampires looked at him attentively waiting for his reply, he calmly said "You guys see those spire over the Church?" Pointing to church out of the door
After a brief pause he said "Well I didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dprzy4/three_vampires_were_arguing_who_is_the_strongest/
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How much should a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dprvb0/how_much_should_a_pirate_pay_to_get_his_ears/
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I'm training to be an anaesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"

He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dprf3u/im_training_to_be_an_anaesthetist_so_i_asked_the/
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I met a strange man in a coastal city in China

They call him Bay-Jing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dprdt5/i_met_a_strange_man_in_a_coastal_city_in_china/
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I was drilling a hole on my table..

It was boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpracb/i_was_drilling_a_hole_on_my_table/
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Why doesn't Oedipus use profanity?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpr5z2/why_doesnt_oedipus_use_profanity/
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What do you call a doubtful side-chick?

A second thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpr5c9/what_do_you_call_a_doubtful_sidechick/
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[meeting gf’s parents]

**Her:** *(quietly)* don’t tell my dad about us having sex he’ll freak out about me getting pregnant
**Her Dad:** Hey man, you coming inside?
**Me:** *[visibly panicking]* Whaaat... Nooo, I-I would never.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpr2fi/meeting_gfs_parents/
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The wind is blowing like a 50yr old woman who's been married for 30 yrs.

Intermittently and with little effort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpqr4b/the_wind_is_blowing_like_a_50yr_old_woman_whos/
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Me: I am terrified of the vertical axis.

Therapist: why?
Me: [Screams]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpqm7h/me_i_am_terrified_of_the_vertical_axis/
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Did you know I can melt an ice cube using the power of my mind.

Takes quite a white though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpqjn3/did_you_know_i_can_melt_an_ice_cube_using_the/
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I saw lot of kids wearing Elsa costume for Halloween today.

Its been 6 years since the movie released. I think kids should just Let it Go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpqds9/i_saw_lot_of_kids_wearing_elsa_costume_for/
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The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpqbha/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
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I dreamed last night I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda...

Then I woke up and realized it was just a fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpq6ff/i_dreamed_last_night_i_was_swimming_in_an_ocean/
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After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"
And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.
"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to multiply?"
"Behold, we are Adders and so cannot multiply," the snakes mournfully replied.
And so Noah bade his sons to hew great trees from the mountain, and from the raw trees to construct a mighty platform, 70 cubits long and 40 cubits wide and 20 cubits tall. And when the construction was finished Noah stood upon it and proclaimed to the snakes.
"Adders, behold! A table of logs, with which you may multiply by adding."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dppte6/after_the_flood_noah_commanded_the_animals/
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What's the one thing worse than necrophilia?

Letting a dead body go to waste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dppta0/whats_the_one_thing_worse_than_necrophilia/
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My wife came home last night and said, “I know something you don’t.”

“Oh yeah, what’s that?” I asked.
“What it’s like to have a big cock,” she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpplv5/my_wife_came_home_last_night_and_said_i_know/
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What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dppikc/what_unit_of_measurement_do_you_use_to_weigh_bones/
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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpphhu/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_says_wow/
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A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?
Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.
Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?
Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpph4z/a_guys_credit_card_gets_stolen_and_after_a_couple/
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Why did the mattress go to the therapist?

Because it was depressed
(Did I tell this before I mean it’s my classic joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dppbef/why_did_the_mattress_go_to_the_therapist/
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A teacher asks her class

"If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left ?"
One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away."
Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking."
Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There are 3 women eating ice cream cones, one is licking, one is sucking and one is biting. Which one is married?"
Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking."
Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpp8kh/a_teacher_asks_her_class/
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What does a vampire drink when depressed?

B positive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpp8im/what_does_a_vampire_drink_when_depressed/
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A guy goes bear hunting in Canada... [long]

A guy named Don Jr. really likes bear hunting, so he goes to Canada on a hunting trip. Sure enough, up in the woods he sees a black bear cub. Don Jr. takes aim, fires and kills the bear dead. He walks up to take a look at the carcass and see if it is big enough for a trophy, when all of a sudden he is tapped on the shoulder. He turns around to find a large black bear right behind him.
"What the hell, Don?" says the black bear, "You just shot my kid. Now I am going to have to rip you apart with my teeth and claws."
"No, please," says Don, "I am too young to die. Is there any other way?"
"Well," says the bear, "If you don't want me to kill you you have to agree to submit to rough animal sex with me."
Don Jr. doesn't like the idea but he doesn't want to die. "Okay," says Don and just like that the bear is on him. It is rough, terrible and Don Jr. barely survives. He makes it back to the hospital where he is in the ICU for two months. All he can think about is revenge.
When he can finally walk again, Don Jr. heads back to the Canadian woods. He finds the adult black bear that ravaged him, takes aim, fires and kills the bear dead. Don Jr. goes down to the corpse to gloat over it when all of a sudden he is tapped on his shoulder. Behind him is the largest grizzly bear he has ever seen.
"What the hell, Don?" says the grizzly, "That was my cousin. I am going to have to shred you from limb to limb with these teeth and claws."
"No, please!" says Don Jr, "Is there any other way?"
"You know the deal," says the grizzly.
"Ok," Don Jr whimpers. And the grizzly is on him just like that. It is ten times worse than what the black bear did to him. Don Jr. is humiliated, barely able to walk. He has to spend six months in the hospital trying to recover. All he can think about is revenge.
When he can finally walk again, Don Jr. goes straight back to the Canadian woods. He finds that damn grizzly, takes aim, fires and kills him dead. "That'll show you!" yells Don Jr. over the corpse of the grizzly, when all of a sudden he is tapped on his shoulder. Don Jr turns around to see the world's biggest Polar Bear who looks at him and says:
"You're not up here for the hunting are you Don?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpp7t7/a_guy_goes_bear_hunting_in_canada_long/
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Why don’t oysters share their pearls?

Because they’re shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpp68s/why_dont_oysters_share_their_pearls/
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Penguin Joke

A man was driving to work one morning when he saw a penguin at the side of the road. He didn't know what to do with it so he put it into the back seat of his car and drove to work to explain the situation to his boss.
His boss said "You should take him to the zoo", so the man left and drove off with the penguin.
Later that day as the boss was leaving work, he saw the man drive towards him and the penguin was still in the car. He flagged him down and when the car stopped the boss said "I thought I told you to bring that penguin to the zoo?!"
The man said "I did, and he loved it. We're going to the cinema now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpp5vy/penguin_joke/
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I was worried my meal at the German restaurant would go badly.

I was prepared for the Wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpp44e/i_was_worried_my_meal_at_the_german_restaurant/
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How do we know that something is wrong in China?

There's so many red flags!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpoogb/how_do_we_know_that_something_is_wrong_in_china/
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Two men in the woods

These 2 guys are out walking through the woods, they come upon a clearing with a big hole in the middle of it. The first guy says to the second "I wonder how deep this hole is" "I don't know, let's find something to toss in here and see if we can hear it hit the bottom", says the second. So they go find a big rock, toss it down the hole. They stand there and listen and listen, but they never hear it hit. So they wander around a bit more and find a great big branch that had fallen off of a tree. They drag it back to the hole, and toss it in. They listen and listen, but they never hear it hit. So they decide to go find the biggest thing they can wrestle over to it. They wander around until they find a gigantic log. They drag it through the woods and chuck it in. They stand there and listen and listen, when suddenly this goat comes tearing through the woods and jumps straight into the hole. As they stand there trying to figure out what in the heck just happened, an old man steps into the clearing. "Hey, have you fellas seen my goat?" "Yeah, we just saw him run outta the woods and jump straight into this hole" The old man replies "Nah, couldn't have been my goat, my goat was tied to a log"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpoh4w/two_men_in_the_woods/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpo9mz/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_for/
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So I had a job interview the other day...

I sat down in front of the interviewer, and immediately grabbed the pitcher of water. Slightly shaking, I poured the water to the brim of the glass...but then overfilled it, spilling a good portion of the liquid across the surface of the desk.
Smiling, the interviewer said: "Nervous?"
I responded: "No, sir. I just give 110% in everything that I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpo78a/so_i_had_a_job_interview_the_other_day/
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Everyone keeps telling me I'm the worst mailman they've ever seen

*shit I meant to post this elsewhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpo68u/everyone_keeps_telling_me_im_the_worst_mailman/
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We all know Albert Einstein was a genius,

But his brother Frank was a monster!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpo2nt/we_all_know_albert_einstein_was_a_genius/
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I’m single, but I have three girlfriends.

Their names are Emma, Jean, Ari.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpo2ef/im_single_but_i_have_three_girlfriends/
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For the first time in their franchise history the Washington National’s are World Series champions

Scherzer threw his glove out of the way and everybody started crowding the mound, jumping up and down with pure joy. Man the expressions on their faces were completely Bryceless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpnxw9/for_the_first_time_in_their_franchise_history_the/
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What do you call a tiny mother?

.
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..
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A minimum!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpnqhk/what_do_you_call_a_tiny_mother/
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Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpnp0p/courtesy_of_my_5_year_old_why_did_dracula_take/
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God told Jesus he had to die for ours sins and you’d be surprised at his reaction.

He became cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpno4m/god_told_jesus_he_had_to_die_for_ours_sins_and/
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Are my Testicles black?

One day an old man was taken into the recovery room he had a biopsy, he also had an oxygen mask on. The nurse walks in and takes his vitals to which he asks "Are my testicles black?". The nurse looks confused and brushes it off. When shes done he asks again "Are my testicles black?". Again she ignores him to which he says again "Are my testicles black?" Fed up the nurse puts on some gloves removes his blanket, pulls his shorts down and examines his penis moving it left to right up and down. When she is done she tells the man "Sir I have look at your penis and no they are not black. The old man takes his oxygen mask off smiles and says "Wow that was very lovely but ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpng3q/are_my_testicles_black/
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What is the most delicious number?

Three thousand.  Or as the Romans said, MMM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpn7za/what_is_the_most_delicious_number/
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How many members of the GOP does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They only use Gaslight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpn5vc/how_many_members_of_the_gop_does_it_take_to/
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How do ghosts react to bad jokes?

They Boo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpn2np/how_do_ghosts_react_to_bad_jokes/
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What do rednecks do to celebrate Halloween?

Pumpkin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpn121/what_do_rednecks_do_to_celebrate_halloween/
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What do you call a dead magician?

Abra-cadaver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpmz8h/what_do_you_call_a_dead_magician/
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I just ordered a Chinese takeaway

from a local place just been to pick it up and as i was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out
I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers,
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpmx1v/i_just_ordered_a_chinese_takeaway/
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What did the hurricane say to a coconut tree?

"Hold on to your nuts, this is gonna be a wild blowjob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpmubd/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_a_coconut_tree/
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Oedipus joke

Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me?
Oracle: You’re going to kill your father and marry Joe.
Oedipus: Who’s Joe?
Credit: Nik Linenberger - Twitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpmtsj/oedipus_joke/
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My girlfriend asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I told her yes.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpmsth/my_girlfriend_asked_me_whether_i_experimented/
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What is an Optimistic Vampires favorite drink?

B Positive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpmrcw/what_is_an_optimistic_vampires_favorite_drink/
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I was once bitten by a rabid female deer.

Now, every time there's a full moon, I turn into a weredoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpma6i/i_was_once_bitten_by_a_rabid_female_deer/
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Woman : My husband wants intense sex all day

, what can i give him ?
Therapist : my number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpm6df/woman_my_husband_wants_intense_sex_all_day/
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I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dplzcm/i_think_its_a_good_idea_to_wear_two_different/
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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.
“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”
“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentiment, Miss. But I swore an oath...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dplyvr/a_dominatrix_was_trying_to_improve_her_pr_so_she/
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It can happen to anyone.

My brain before going through airport security : **What if i accidentally have a gun?**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dplxf6/it_can_happen_to_anyone/
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Petition to start a rock season in the mountains...

Please don't take this for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dplwz2/petition_to_start_a_rock_season_in_the_mountains/
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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpluyz/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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Why did The Atheist cross the road?

To tell everyone on the other side they were an atheist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpluvh/why_did_the_atheist_cross_the_road/
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Ash finally became a Pokemon champion this season

It was pretty Onyxpected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dplnca/ash_finally_became_a_pokemon_champion_this_season/
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Bob had been at the bar too long

He felt nauseous and went to the restroom where he threw up. He went back to the bar and exclaimed tho the bartender that his wife was going to kill him because he had just thrown up all over the sleeve of the jacket his wife had just bought him.
The bartender says don’t Bob, don’t tell her you did that. Tell her that the guy next to you at the bar did it and that he felt so bad he gave you $20 for cleaning.
Bob said great idea! I’ll have another drink!
Later Bob stumbles home, he staggers in, his wife looks him up and down and yells you’re drunk and you threw up in that new jacket!
Bob says No wasn’t me. It was the guy next to me at the bar, and look he gave me $20 for your trouble cleaning it. The wife says that’s a $50 dollar bill. Bob says, “Yeah he shit my pants too”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpllvz/bob_had_been_at_the_bar_too_long/
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Warning: scam

Some dude is selling what he calls an "Elixir for Immortality" in town. He came to me, suspiciously, with some of those bottles, but I refused, and contacted the police. They told me they know of this scam, and this person in particular. They said they've already arrested him multiple times for it. Last year, then also in 2003, and in 1975, 1912, 1875 and 1813.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dplkh7/warning_scam/
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What game do anti-vax children love playing?

Marko Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dplj7f/what_game_do_antivax_children_love_playing/
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What’s blue and not very heavy?

Light Blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dplgxu/whats_blue_and_not_very_heavy/
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So my 6yo tells me a joke

What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me something smells!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpla8r/so_my_6yo_tells_me_a_joke/
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I decided to kill off a few characters in the book im writing.

It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpl9jo/i_decided_to_kill_off_a_few_characters_in_the/
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What gender pronouns are you supposed to use for chocolate bars?

Her/she

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpl6di/what_gender_pronouns_are_you_supposed_to_use_for/
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Id like my grass to be emo.

You ask why?
Well then it would cut itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpl68a/id_like_my_grass_to_be_emo/
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Thank you Alexa

Burglar: *points gun at me* Alright buddy just show me your valuables and nobody gets hurt
Me: Haha sure thing dude - ALEXA CALL THE POLICE
Alexa: “Shuffling songs by The Police”
*Roxanne plays as I get shot 16 times*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpl31g/thank_you_alexa/
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What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpl073/what_do_you_call_a_french_man_wearing_sandals/
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So one time I was at the cemetery...

...and I heard some faint music... was it coming out of a grave?? I investigated further and I recognized that the music was Beethoven's symphonies being played backwards... 5... then 4... then 3... then I realized to my horror... it was Beethoven in his grave... DECOMPOSING!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpkwut/so_one_time_i_was_at_the_cemetery/
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I make my entire department get the bus to work. It's way more environmentally friendly than those huge gas guzzlers we drive.

Makes it hard to get to the fires on time though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpku34/i_make_my_entire_department_get_the_bus_to_work/
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I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpkrlw/i_sat_next_to_baby_on_a_ten_hour_flight_i_didnt/
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It's that time of year again

When the midgets come and steal my food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpkqy3/its_that_time_of_year_again/
%
Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpkpmr/why_dont_some_couples_go_to_the_gym/
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Do you know why Spiderman always has a witty comeback?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpkk49/do_you_know_why_spiderman_always_has_a_witty/
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My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpkk3i/my_old_aunts_would_come_and_tease_me_at_weddings/
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Whats the difference between an american and a computer?

an american doesn't have troubleshooting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpkjoh/whats_the_difference_between_an_american_and_a/
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The inventor of glass coffins was asked would his failing business ever succeed.

He replied. Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpk545/the_inventor_of_glass_coffins_was_asked_would_his/
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A cop gets called out to a bar on suspicion of a man selling drugs in the bathroom

Upon arrival, the cop finds a man with a bag of cocaine in his hand about to flush it down the toilet. The cop stops him and asks him, “is this bag yours?”
The man replies “I’m sorry officer I swear someone handed me these and ran. I kept trying to flush them down the toilet but they keep appearing back in my hand. I swear it’s magic!”
The officer is intrigued and prompts the man “Really? Go ahead and show me”
The man flushes the drugs down the toilet and looks at the cop with a smile on his face.
The cop asks him, “so where are the drugs?”
The man merely replies, “what drugs?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpk4ig/a_cop_gets_called_out_to_a_bar_on_suspicion_of_a/
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Job interviewer: what do you see yourself doing in 5 years?

Me: sitting in your seat and asking better questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpk2bx/job_interviewer_what_do_you_see_yourself_doing_in/
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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpk1jz/my_sister_asked_for_me_to_bring_her_something/
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I hate redundancy

Unnecessary repetition really gets on my nerves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpk186/i_hate_redundancy/
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Double negative

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day, "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpjy7q/double_negative/
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What do you call an old suicide bomber?

A ka-boomer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpjwul/what_do_you_call_an_old_suicide_bomber/
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Toilet humour is not my favourite kind of joke

But it's a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpjotu/toilet_humour_is_not_my_favourite_kind_of_joke/
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“Jesus loves you”

Is a wonderful thing to hear in church, but a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpjmrv/jesus_loves_you/
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs?

Some body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpjmg5/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_or_legs/
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Why do biologists make good pornstars?

Because sex cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpjlaf/why_do_biologists_make_good_pornstars/
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How does a Dutch gecko know when there's an earthquake?

Van der Waals start shaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpjizd/how_does_a_dutch_gecko_know_when_theres_an/
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What did the nervous judge say to his dentist?

Do you swear that you will work with the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpjg1l/what_did_the_nervous_judge_say_to_his_dentist/
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What do you call money received after sex?

in cum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpjb1i/what_do_you_call_money_received_after_sex/
%
3022 days sober....

Congratulations Amy Winehouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpj9f0/3022_days_sober/
%
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time,

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpj34m/if_a_child_refuses_to_sleep_during_nap_time/
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The moment the Washington Nationals won the World Series

Was absolutely briceless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpj2qc/the_moment_the_washington_nationals_won_the_world/
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Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

Dad:"No sun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpj294/son_dad_can_you_tell_me_what_a_solar_eclipse_is/
%
I tore off one of my nipples

just wanted to get this off my chest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpixxt/i_tore_off_one_of_my_nipples/
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"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Maya"

"Maya who?"
"Maya Ha Haaa~"
P.S. I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpil8u/knock_knock_whos_there_maya/
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What is the difference between a genealogist and gynaecologist?

Genealogist looks up the family tree and gynaecologist looks up the family bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpii96/what_is_the_difference_between_a_genealogist_and/
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How does a practitioner of death magic respond to questions?

With necromanswers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpicws/how_does_a_practitioner_of_death_magic_respond_to/
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What do you call a woman with iron deficiency?

Male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpi48g/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_iron_deficiency/
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If two vegans fight,

Is it still beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpi2zk/if_two_vegans_fight/
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Demonic Casket (Long)

Fritz Hoffman was a city boy who had always dreamed of living a rural life. All his years, his eyes turned toward the city limits and expanse of trees and open fields that lay beyond his concrete jungle. Unfortunately, circumstances always seemed to stifle his desire. Whether it was his parent's hatred of all things rural or his lack of financing keeping him chained to his dilapidated inner-city studio apartment, Fritz had resigned himself to believing he would never be able to spend more than a weekend here or there camping in the wilderness.
Then if by a stroke of luck, all that changed. On one of Fritz's infrequent trips to the country, he happened to spot a decaying for sale sign along a lonely country road. In a whirlwind of activity, he had found his dream property, had his low ball offer accepted, and moved into the life he had always wanted.
Fritz's drive to work was now significantly increased, but he cared little. In truth, he would have gladly doubled it if it was the only way to have the beautiful two-story farmhouse situated on twenty acres of pristine farmland.
One night near the end of October on Fritz's drive home, his car began to miss and sputter.  Fritz patted the dashboard and tried to sweet-talk his vehicle into making it the rest of the way. Ignoring his pleas, his car jerked to a stop as it died on that lonely country thoroughfare. Fritz cursed himself for putting off the maintenance he had known was required.
He stepped out of his dead vehicle and pulled out his cell. The dreaded but not unexpected words of no service blared out from the illuminated screen as the last rays of sunlight faded in the autumn sky.  Fritz turned on his phone's flashlight and shined it on a nearby road sign. It confirmed his worst fears. If he followed the winding road, it was at least a ten-mile trek to his home. He stared into the dark foreboding forest.
Ten miles following the pavement but only slightly more than one if he cut cross-country.  Fritz took a deep breath to steel his nerves before he started through the thick underbrush.
The journey was slow. Fritz had to make certain of each step lest he risk twisting an ankle on some hidden root. A beep from his phone signaled that a new day had started, and not just any day but Halloween. Fritz had never been superstitious, but even the most skeptical of persons would have been hard-pressed not to be slightly unnerved by the long shadows cast by the leafless tree branches in the illuminating light of the mobile phone.
Suddenly it dawned on Fritz that the sound of insects that normally serenaded anyone on a country night had fallen silent. Only the whistling of the wind through the canopy above broke the silence. Then in the distance, a faint thump, thump echoed amongst the trees.
Fritz swung around, looking for the source of the noise. Only tree trunks and dead leaves were to be found. Putting it down to exhaustion and an overactive imagination, Fritz resumed his travels though with a slightly more hurried pace.
After several more minutes the sound of Thump, Thump, once again rang out. This time it seemed closer than before. Fritz once again looked around, training his light in the distance on what appeared to be a rustling bush. A blurred image seemed to be struggling to make its way through the underbrush.  Fritz turned and began to scramble through the remaining length of the forest, stumbling as his he traded caution for haste.
Just as he reached the tree line **Thump**, **Thump** once again rang out, filling Fritz's ears. Fear gripping him, he dropped his phone and sprinted for the edge of the woods, his heart pounding in his chest as he burst into his expansive front yard.  Scrambling back to his feet, a feeling of relief washed over him. That contentment was short-lived. No sooner had Fritz taken ten steps than **Thump**, **Thump** once again tore through the night. Fritz slowly turned around dread coursing through every vein. From the dark, ominous depths of the forest, an old-timey casket crashed into Fritz's yard.
Fritz spun in terror and raced for his front porch. The casket in pursuit behind him **Thump, Thump, Thump** as it gave chase. Stumbling across the creaking planks of the deck, he shoved his hand in his pocket, desperately searching for his keys. Fritz yanked them out his hand shaking so violently that he immediately dropped them. **Thump, Crunch, Thump** signaled that the casket had itself made it to the porch the planks cracking under the assault of its maniacal pursuit.
Adrenalin flowing freely through his system Fritz stooped down and quickly scooped up his keys. He shoved the jagged piece of metal into the lock and twisted it with inhuman speed nearly breaking it off in the keyhole. He yanked the door open. Rapidly, he slid inside before slamming and locking the door behind him.   Fritz breathed a sigh of relief as he took a step back and slumped on the stairs leading to the second floor of his house.
THUMP, CRASH, THUMP reverberated throughout the house as the casket smashed it's way through Fritz's front door. Fritz's eyes went wide with horror as the lid of the sarcophagus flung open and the infernal visage of a half-decayed corpse stared at him its demonic eyes glowing red as if they were channeling the very fires of hell.
Fritz's crawled up his stairs in a desperate attempt to flee. Thump, Thump, Thump the casket pursued. Almost languidly now knowing its prey was cornered.
Fritz reached the top of the stairs and ran into the first room he came to the hall bath. He closed and locked the door in a futile final effort to save himself from whatever gruesome fate awaited him.
Thump, Thump, Crash the casket destroyed the bathroom door. The corpse was now cacking with the laughter that sounded like it came from Satan himself.
Fritz out of sheer panic, reached for the closet thing to him, a bottle of Tussin, and flung it at his tormentor. His aim was true, and it impacted with a thud against the cadaver. And then just like that, the coffin disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpi1fe/demonic_casket_long/
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A good percentage of my friends are Nazis

0% of them are. And that’s a good thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dphzo5/a_good_percentage_of_my_friends_are_nazis/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping

They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.
Holmes: Watson, look up to the stars, and tell me what you deduce.
Watson: I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life...
Holmes: No Watson, you idiot, somebody's stolen our tent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dphsr4/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_are_going_camping/
%
a blind man walks into a bar

Bartender says
"What can i get ya"
The blind man, confused, responds "sorry but why are you in my house?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dphsnq/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dphr5w/job_interviewer_where_do_you_see_yourself_in_5/
%
A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars.

However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dphpru/a_new_leaked_government_tape_shows_that_a_mars/
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The Tomato Garden

An elderly man lived alone. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Michael, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Michael,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Michael
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Michael
//I am not sure if this has been posted, but I found it funny!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dphoit/the_tomato_garden/
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Why can't the skeleton have any children?

Because he has a hollow weinee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dphbk1/why_cant_the_skeleton_have_any_children/
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I was walking at a park when I see two blind men are gonna fight each other

So I yelled "Watch out! He's got a knife!"
And so.. they're both running away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dph1q9/i_was_walking_at_a_park_when_i_see_two_blind_men/
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A coffee addict goes to rehab to get clean

During group reflection they said
Group: "Steve tell us a little about your struggles"
Steve: "Well it started off as a kid, my grandpa would let me sip on a coffee with lots of cream and sugar. I knew from the moment it hit my lips, coffee was what i wanted to do with my life. By the time i was a teenager i showed what i now recognize as signs of addiction, id prepare hot water in the morning while i got ready for school and keep it in a thermos id take with me. On breaks between classes id sneak off and crush up some beans to steep with my thermos water. Soon it wasnt just breaks, it was all day, i dropped out of school to pursue coffee full time. I was fortunate enough to get coffee shop jobs here and there but i kept getting fired for stealing the product. The addiction just progressed over the years to the point i was sucking off baristas for a bag of beans a pop. At the end i was just eating the beans. Despite all the years they were still a little too bitter for me, so id always cut it with a little cube of sugar.. and now im here"
Group: "How do you feel about that now?"
Steve: "At the time i loved it, but looking back at the end there... i guess it was bittersweet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpgy7u/a_coffee_addict_goes_to_rehab_to_get_clean/
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People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

*Their words, not mine.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpgm6g/people_often_accuse_me_of_stealing_others_jokes/
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I like my men like I like my coffee.

Leaving a bitter taste in my throat when I swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpgbej/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpgaz7/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

With a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpg9u5/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
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[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]

Me: This is my girlfriend Janine
Janine: Hi
Wife: What the fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpg7su/introducing_my_girlfriend_to_my_family/
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you get a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty".
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... she stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back to Harry and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpg5av/harry_and_his_wife_are_having_hard_financial/
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The furniture store keeps calling me.

All I wanted was one night stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpg11d/the_furniture_store_keeps_calling_me/
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Doctor: are you sexually active?

**me:** No, I kinda just lie there.
**wife:** THIS- *[takes off doctor costume]* this is why we never role play anymore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpg0wr/doctor_are_you_sexually_active/
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What do you call a drunk plant?

Chloroplastered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpfssc/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_plant/
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I went to a premature ejaculators meeting last week..

Wasn't sure exactly what time it was on so I came early

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpflk7/i_went_to_a_premature_ejaculators_meeting_last/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter. It won't come to you anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpfahh/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Recycling in the UK is getting very serious...

Even our immigrants are being shipped in reusable containers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpf0fs/recycling_in_the_uk_is_getting_very_serious/
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My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.
She moved out the next day.
"Checkmate," I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpezsl/my_girlfriend_told_me_if_i_use_any_more_chess/
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I tried to open up a flightless bird zoo business.

But it never took off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpezot/i_tried_to_open_up_a_flightless_bird_zoo_business/
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An electron gets pulled over...

...
" - sir do you know how fast you were going?
- no but I know where I am "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpeznp/an_electron_gets_pulled_over/
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Geometry is a lot like algebra, language arts, and french

Its like algebra because it has a lot of math,
Its like language arts because it has a lot of words in it,
And its like french because I don't understand it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpejqd/geometry_is_a_lot_like_algebra_language_arts_and/
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If God isn't real, how do you explain how an average joe like me could marry a beautiful woman from Prague?

Czech mate, atheists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpeeki/if_god_isnt_real_how_do_you_explain_how_an/
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The cemetery is the most popular place in the world.

People are just dying to get in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpeb0p/the_cemetery_is_the_most_popular_place_in_the/
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Jehovah’s Witnesses have some strange beliefs.

Like they believe I’m gonna open the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpe77f/jehovahs_witnesses_have_some_strange_beliefs/
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"Knock, knock" "Who's there?" "Norway" "Norway who?"

"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpe64w/knock_knock_whos_there_norway_norway_who/
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How can you reuse a condom?

Just shake the fuck out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpe4e2/how_can_you_reuse_a_condom/
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Babies shouldn't be delivered.

Livers are important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpdwl3/babies_shouldnt_be_delivered/
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A man goes to a costume party

Wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman says,
“What are you supposed to be?”
“I’m a fireman,” the man replied.
“But...you’re only wearing a glass jar”, the woman confusedly said.
“Exactly. In case of emergency, break glass, pull knob, and I’ll come as fast as I can.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpdv1u/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party/
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One cop visits another

- Maybe your son will grow up to be a cop like you!
- Bobby? No way, he's... pretty dim. Just watch this. Hey, Bobby! Go check if I'm coming back from work! (to the other man's surprise, Bobby obediently runs out the front door to check the driveway)
- Sheesh,  you're right about that, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. He could've just looked out the window...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpdtdj/one_cop_visits_another/
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What happens when you don't pay your exorcist?

It goes to collection and you get repossessed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpdsd3/what_happens_when_you_dont_pay_your_exorcist/
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[OC] What's the similarity between cycling and prison ?

Your ass gets used to it after a couple of months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpds5j/oc_whats_the_similarity_between_cycling_and_prison/
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If you're a porn star, always be a dickhead.

That's a pro tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpdmxl/if_youre_a_porn_star_always_be_a_dickhead/
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Someone broke into my house last night.

Yeah they broke in and stole my limbo stick
How low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpdk58/someone_broke_into_my_house_last_night/
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After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.
For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpdg91/after_my_grandfather_died_i_inherited_some_of_his/
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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”
The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Grace.”
The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Eminence.”
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle “Well…?”
She replies, “My son is a charismatic, 6'2”, hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “My God.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpd50s/four_catholic_ladies_are_having_coffee_together/
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I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow.

When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpd2m9/i_dreamed_i_was_forced_to_eat_a_giant_marshmallow/
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My housemates think our house is haunted, but it's not

I should know, I've lived here for over three hundred years now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpcq7q/my_housemates_think_our_house_is_haunted_but_its/
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What is the difference between a yoghurt and the United States?

If you leave a yoghurt standing for 240 years there's going to develop a culture on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpcpgw/what_is_the_difference_between_a_yoghurt_and_the/
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Today, I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself, “That’s a little condescending”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpckiz/today_i_saw_a_dwarf_climbing_down_a_prison_wall/
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A nun is in charge of painting the walls of a newly built classroom for Sunday School....

Not wanting to get paint on her habit, she decides that it would be best to strip completely naked. She closes the curtains, disrobes, and begins painting the room. Suddenly she hears a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" She asks.
"Blind man." Is the answer.
Thinking there is no harm in letting a blind man enter the room while she is naked, she opens the door and lets him in. The man enters the room and says,
"Nice tits. I'm here to install the blinds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpcgq4/a_nun_is_in_charge_of_painting_the_walls_of_a/
%
What does the Fox say?

Something right wing I guess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpc9ia/what_does_the_fox_say/
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Why did the farmer start a punk rock band?

Because he was tired of haulin' oats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpbq7v/why_did_the_farmer_start_a_punk_rock_band/
%
What's a Mexicans favorite book?

Tequila mocking bird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpbmn0/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_book/
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I went to donate sperm and they said I'd have to masterbate in a cup.

I said, I'm good but I'm not ready to compete.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpbml7/i_went_to_donate_sperm_and_they_said_id_have_to/
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What do you call a pencil with erasers on both sides?

Pointless, like your comments lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpbkom/what_do_you_call_a_pencil_with_erasers_on_both/
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A little boy was at the centre of a custody battle.

The judge says to him, do you want to stay with your Father? Boy replies no he beats me, so the judge asks do you want to stay with your Mother? again the boy says, no she beats me as well. So the judge asks, so who do you want to stay with then?
Boy replies: Manchester United, they don't beat anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpbhcu/a_little_boy_was_at_the_centre_of_a_custody_battle/
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My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpbfq0/my_local_drug_dealer_started_dressing_up_as_a/
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What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?

A chirotractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpanv9/what_do_you_call_a_farmer_with_a_physical_therapy/
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Do you know who was the biggest sponsor of the movie Human Centipede?

Nokia.
Nokia - Connecting people
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpangv/do_you_know_who_was_the_biggest_sponsor_of_the/
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I tripped over my shoelaces one day and got arrested.

I guess it was a felony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpajpm/i_tripped_over_my_shoelaces_one_day_and_got/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpacxy/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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This goes out to the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket.

You can hide but you can't run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpaa57/this_goes_out_to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_who/
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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'
Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Barbara. Auntie Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay the fuck away from Auntie Barbara when she's had a Drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpa6ay/a_teacher_gave_her_class/
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Why did the locomotive scream when it looked back?

It was a freight of cargo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dpa1me/why_did_the_locomotive_scream_when_it_looked_back/
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A young lad walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist I need a pack of 3 condoms.

The pharmacist replies “are you really going to need 3?”
The young lad says “yeah, I’ve got a meal at my girlfriend’s place tonight and I think her mum and her sister both fancy me so I’m gonna smash all three of them, they’re really sexy!” The pharmacist gives him the condoms and says “lucky you!”
Later that night, the young lad is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when her dad comes in and sits down at the table. The young lad sinks into his chair and starts to pray.
The girlfriend says “I didn’t know you were religious.” The young lad replies “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp9qw5/a_young_lad_walks_into_a_pharmacy_and_says_to_the/
%
Best tips for Halloween:

Be yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp9q9z/best_tips_for_halloween/
%
some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.   For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.   For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.   As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp9oqt/some_scientists_decided_to_do_the_following/
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I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp9j53/ive_been_killing_rich_parents_throwing_spiders_at/
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What happens when the cia goes to sleep?

They go undercover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp99iv/what_happens_when_the_cia_goes_to_sleep/
%
Roses are Red, you can set them on a shelf,

Just a friendly reminder,  Epstein didn't kill himself .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp96wm/roses_are_red_you_can_set_them_on_a_shelf/
%
Why do ghosts go to bars?

For the boos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp92jq/why_do_ghosts_go_to_bars/
%
Why did the computer go to sleep?

It was key-bored!
(An original joke from my 5 year old nephew, a budding comedic genius with impeccable timing!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp90e6/why_did_the_computer_go_to_sleep/
%
If I ever run out of dad jokes....

I’ve always got daylight savings time puns to fall back on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp8yyq/if_i_ever_run_out_of_dad_jokes/
%
There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a cock like mine.

Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp8n1y/theres_plenty_of_jobs_in_the_porn_industry_when/
%
A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp8ksb/a_women_married_and_had_13_children_her_husband/
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So I just got canned from my new job

And it's total bullshit. I was always productive and never came in late, never missed a day. I got along well with my manager Skullcrusher, who told me he liked my initiative. Myself along with 2 of my other coworkers, Bloodstorm and Boneshredder, just brought in a big client only 2 weeks ago and it was huge for the company. But it all counted for nothing, because this morning I get called in to speak with Meatripper, this 23 year old HR rep who only works here because his uncle hired him, and he's telling me everybody's getting "creeped out" by all the "weird nicknames" I've been giving them. And before I even get the chance to defend myself, The Sodomizer walks in and tells me I need to pack my things. Fuck corporate America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp8jeh/so_i_just_got_canned_from_my_new_job/
%
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp8h7e/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
How does Hitler like his juice?

Concentrated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp8gqf/how_does_hitler_like_his_juice/
%
A woman goes to the doctor to get a sex reversal

The doctor gives the catalogue with the all the available penises to her.
She takes it and says "Let me have a glans..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp8bmz/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_to_get_a_sex_reversal/
%
I fully support mandatory euthanasia for the elderly...

But I'm sure with age and maturity my views may change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp8809/i_fully_support_mandatory_euthanasia_for_the/
%
A Square Walks Into a Bar

A square walks into a bar, and he spies a cute triangle sitting in the corner. The square takes a seat to the side of the triangle, and tells her "If you were waiting for the right guy,  then tonight's your lucky night." The triangle laughs, clearly interested in the square as they chat and flirt the night away. Eventually, the square asks the triangle if she would like to stay at his flat tonight. She agrees and they head to his place, where things begin to get heated. The triangle undresses, however upon seeing her full shape the square recoils in shock, as he realizes the date he took home was actually a trapezoid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp878b/a_square_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How can you tell if someone told you a dad joke?

Just wait a few minutes—it'll become apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp86r2/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_told_you_a_dad_joke/
%
What do plants in Africa do?

Totosynthesis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp866f/what_do_plants_in_africa_do/
%
A rope walks into a bar and then the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind” So the rope walks out and unties him self, he walks back into the bar and then the bartender says “Hey aren’t you the guy from before?” The rope then said,

The rope then says
“No I’m a frayed knot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp84r3/a_rope_walks_into_a_bar_and_then_the_bartender/
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Cotton Farmer: Finally, some rain

**Cotton Candy Farmer:** *[running toward his fields]* oh shit oh fuck no no no no no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp7wca/cotton_farmer_finally_some_rain/
%
In school, work determines your marks

In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp7v67/in_school_work_determines_your_marks/
%
A guy goes to his psychiatrist...

and says "Doc, I had that crazy sex dream again. The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality."
The psychiatrist replies "Oh, let's not bother going over that old dream again. We'd just be beating a dead horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp7pqg/a_guy_goes_to_his_psychiatrist/
%
Tequila may not be the answer.

But it's worth a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp7pij/tequila_may_not_be_the_answer/
%
For sale: George Foreman grill and Muhammad Ali DVD's

Both boxed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp7hhr/for_sale_george_foreman_grill_and_muhammad_ali/
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Orgasms are similar to sneezing

You need a tissue afterwards and you shouldn't do it in a stranger's face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp7fca/orgasms_are_similar_to_sneezing/
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A man goes to a doctor

He says, "Whenever I have coffee or tea, I feel a sharp pain in my eye."
The doctor was confused. He had never heard of anything like it before. He conducted various tests on the patient, but still could not understand what was happening. Tired and frustrated, he went back home. Suddenly, he had a brainwave.
He calls up the patient, "Do you remove the spoon before drinking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp7bpk/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor/
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Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?

Because they will never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp7blp/why_is_it_sad_that_parallel_lines_have_so_much_in/
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What do you call intelligent people in America?

Tourists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp791f/what_do_you_call_intelligent_people_in_america/
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Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Karen watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karen's ear.
She said, "Mrs. Grim, Ol' Spot just died."
Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now." and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol'Spot never even stopped."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp77pd/karen_served_wild_mushrooms_to_the_church_group/
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My wife hides her diary in the bra drawer.

She knows I'll never open it because it's full of booby traps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp77gg/my_wife_hides_her_diary_in_the_bra_drawer/
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My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp772s/my_friend_was_bragging_that_his_new_3d_printer/
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Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off

He’s all right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp772o/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_his_entire/
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I lost my job at the bank after just one day

after pushing a woman when she asked me to check her balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp76fn/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_after_just_one_day/
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As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said, “Dan, I’ve failed you as a mother.”

“Mum, my name is Dave.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp704k/as_the_police_put_the_handcuffs_on_me_my_mother/
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Old jewish man dying...

An old jewish man is dying. He says to his son,
"Go call a catholic pries. I want to convert!"
"What?" says the son. "Have you gone out of your mind?"
"Listen," says the father. "Better one of them than one of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp6z7g/old_jewish_man_dying/
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Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp6yjo/why_cant_you_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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What’s the pharmaceutical name for Viagra?

Mycocksafloppin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp6rcb/whats_the_pharmaceutical_name_for_viagra/
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Trust is everything

Some engineering teachers were invited to a long-distance flight by their university, all things payed.
When all the passengers were seated and ready to take off, the announcement came that the plane they were in was proudly built by their students.
Uproar. Madness.
Teachers screaming for their lives, running for the door, cursing the university. Except for one.
"Why the hell are you so calm about this?!" one desperate teacher asked him
"Well, I know full well my students' capabilities. If I know them well, this plane won't even start up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp6q5t/trust_is_everything/
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Man asks woman on first date: How do you feel about sex?

Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see! Now, is that one word or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp6oe2/man_asks_woman_on_first_date_how_do_you_feel/
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Router?

I hardly know her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp6k3n/router/
%
The masochist did it again...

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp6eee/the_masochist_did_it_again/
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Which rock group has four members that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp6cpy/which_rock_group_has_four_members_that_dont_sing/
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Dear men, when your girlfriend suggest which of her friends you want to be included in a threesome..

You are supposed to tell one name , not two..
Trust me, I'm speaking from experience...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp68y3/dear_men_when_your_girlfriend_suggest_which_of/
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Sleeping is so easy

I can do it with my eyes closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp668j/sleeping_is_so_easy/
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What place did the girl get in the Crush Olympics?

3st place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp606w/what_place_did_the_girl_get_in_the_crush_olympics/
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A dad was playing with his kids one day

And he said: "You're so adorable I could eat you kids all up!"
One of the children ask: "Daddy, what do we taste like?"
And the dad replies: "When you're older, ask your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp601y/a_dad_was_playing_with_his_kids_one_day/
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Why didn't Barbie get pregnant?

Ken came in another box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp5ysp/why_didnt_barbie_get_pregnant/
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I stopped carrying my wallet around.

It was a pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp5s0e/i_stopped_carrying_my_wallet_around/
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A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand.

As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?”  “Yeah, a pack and a half a day,” said the patient. Concerned, the doctor told him, “You should consider quitting.” “No, it’s OK,” said the patient. “I smoke with me left hand ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp5qse/a_patient_came_to_the_hospital_with_a_burned/
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What do midgets and dwarfs have in common?

Very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp5p78/what_do_midgets_and_dwarfs_have_in_common/
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TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp5naq/til_jehovahs_witnesses_dont_celebrate_halloween/
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It turns out my Ex likes to be dominated.

I was honestly shocked, I would never have pegged them as a sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp5fri/it_turns_out_my_ex_likes_to_be_dominated/
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What is every horses birthday wish?

A stable economy .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp5d92/what_is_every_horses_birthday_wish/
%
I was about to eat my hamburger when an old lady approached me and beg me for food...

I felt pity on her and gave her half of my burger. Turns out she was a Fairy
Poof
Fairy: because of your kindness i will grant you one wish
Me: Really? I want a brand new Ferrari!
And there it was, 1/2 of a Ferrari

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp5d2z/i_was_about_to_eat_my_hamburger_when_an_old_lady/
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A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity Bra.

The assistant asks, "What Bust?".
She says, "The fucking Condom!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp5b6q/a_woman_goes_into_a_shop_and_asks_for_a_maternity/
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I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work

They said the customers complained about my hanging dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp5acr/i_got_fired_for_wearing_a_miniskirt_to_work/
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch

The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.”
The guy looks around but there is no punch line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp57r4/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_punch/
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A captain and a sailor are on a ship.

One day the sailor drinks a bit. The captain notes this down that the sailor was drunk. The sailor pleads him to add that he was drunk but it was only once in eight years or else he may lose his job. The captain declines this saying whatever he has written is the truth.
Next day it is the turn of the sailor to maintain the diary. He writes down "The captain was sober tonight".
Source: From a book by Shiv Khera

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp53w1/a_captain_and_a_sailor_are_on_a_ship/
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I met this man outside the street and we walk into a bar.

We had a small conversation. Then he brought up writing as the topic.
He said: "I want to write stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
I went out of the bar after my drink. Two weeks later, he now works for big computer companies writing error messages for blue screens, red screens, error messages, and most importantly, syntax errors, math errors, and the like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp52m4/i_met_this_man_outside_the_street_and_we_walk/
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To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to suck it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...

Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp4vc8/to_make_it_stand_i_have_to_wet_it_to_make_it_wet/
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Why is dark spelled with k and not c

You can't c in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp4teh/why_is_dark_spelled_with_k_and_not_c/
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I think it’s weird that we call childbirth “delivery”.

Shouldn’t it be called “takeout” instead?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp4pxt/i_think_its_weird_that_we_call_childbirth_delivery/
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I said "hi" to a feminist yesterday

My court date is tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp4myz/i_said_hi_to_a_feminist_yesterday/
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While waiting at the bus stop i saw a woman come out from a bus with her breast exposed...

Being a gentleman i told her about her ordeal
Woman: OH SHIT! I LEFT MY BABY IN THE BUS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp4las/while_waiting_at_the_bus_stop_i_saw_a_woman_come/
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Who's that band?

A little bar in a small town was having a concert night and most of the town showed up. They were curious to see who in this town of everyone-knows-everyone would go up and perform.
The barman introduced up on stage a couple of highschool kids, the Little Rascals, that were going through the band phase as an opener. It turned out the boys were pretty good and in no time everyone had drinks in their hands and we're enjoying the tunes.
When the boys finished their set everyone went wild cheering and congratulating them on their performance. If the opener was this good, who was the main event?
The barman then pulled the curtains to unveil the main event.
A miniature band.
The crowd instantly went from wild to mild and confused. Only the barman knew who this band was.
The moment the band started playing, the crowd riled up again. As small as this band was they could belt out what sounded like they were going to be absolute classics.
"WE COULD LIVE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS
BUT IF I HURT YOU I'D MAKE WINE FROM YOUR TEARS"
The crowd went nuts!
"MYSTIFY
MYSTIFY ME
MYSTIFY
MYSTIFY ME"
The crowd were having the time of their life but we're dying to know who the band was.
A man decides to go to the barman:
"I'll buy you a drink if you tell me who they are"
The barman shook his head.
Another man tries:
"Listen, I'll get you a drink, and you can have my car for a day, hows about it?"
The barman again shook his head.
A woman decides to take up the challenge:
"You can have me, and my twin sister for the night, if you just tell us who they areeeee"
The barman politely declined.
For the rest of the night people focused more on finding who the band was then on the actual band. The barman was getting fed up.
Finally a man tries his luck, sure of his deal:
"Listen pal, you can have my car for a week, my wife for a day, my house for a month, my job if you want it. Market shares? Yours. These D&G shoes, my wife's Valentino heels, my butler will do your bidding and any single item from my house you choose.
The barman was much past boiling point now.
"OKAY ENOUGH" he yells, "THAT'S JUST A LITTLE IN EXCESS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp4jvf/whos_that_band/
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Does anybody know if making clothes for nuns is habit forming?

Asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp4inb/does_anybody_know_if_making_clothes_for_nuns_is/
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My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho....

How in the world did I miss all the red flags?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp4g92/my_communist_girlfriend_is_a_real_psycho/
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The inventor of the knock knock joke should get a nobel prize.

No bell, get it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp4fu1/the_inventor_of_the_knock_knock_joke_should_get_a/
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Told my wife her beauty is comparable to the galaxy

It takes millions of dollars' worth of equipment to truly appreciate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp4co4/told_my_wife_her_beauty_is_comparable_to_the/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp417a/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
So I was at the bank today and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.

Well I was not very impressed, she fell over on the first try.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp40ne/so_i_was_at_the_bank_today_and_this_old_lady/
%
A tree fell and destroyed a quarter of my roof yesterday.

oof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp3psa/a_tree_fell_and_destroyed_a_quarter_of_my_roof/
%
Why does a blind man never agree with you?

'Cause he can't see your point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp3pnz/why_does_a_blind_man_never_agree_with_you/
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My girlfriend is mad at me ...

Because I beat her in Duck Hunt.
tip: Read it out loud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp3egm/my_girlfriend_is_mad_at_me/
%
What's the most common animal in porn?

Swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp3e28/whats_the_most_common_animal_in_porn/
%
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.

But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp3d5f/yesterday_i_went_to_temporary_tattoo_parlour_and/
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My dog used to chase people on bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp3aax/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_bike_a_lot/
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A plane is going down over the Atlantic ocean...

As the passengers plummet to their doom, a woman stands up, rips off her shirt, and says, "WHICH ONE OF YOU SO CALLED MEN WILL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN?!" A man stands up, rips off his shirt, and says, "HERE, IRON THIS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp3a7i/a_plane_is_going_down_over_the_atlantic_ocean/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp388r/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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My 60 year old rich friend is getting married and throws a big wedding reception

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” smiling he said, “I faked my age"
His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her
"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 88!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp323y/my_60_year_old_rich_friend_is_getting_married_and/
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What was Danny Phantoms last words?

I'm going ghost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp3067/what_was_danny_phantoms_last_words/
%
The Queen of England take a diplomatic trip to the United States....

While there, she visits one of New York's best hospitals. As she is being shown around the hospital by a doctor, she comes across a man furiously masturbating in the hallway. The queen turns beet red and exclaims, "Doctor! Do you see what that man is doing?" The doctor looks then very nonchalantly says, "That man has a condition where his seminal fluids build up. If he does not masturbate, his prostate could rupture. Pay him no mind." The Queen averts her eyes and continues the tour. On the last leg of the tour, the queen spots a nurse performing oral sex on a male patient. Once again she turns red and yells, "Doctor! Look at what your nurse is doing!" The doctor takes a glance and says, "Do you remember the condition of the masturbator? Well this man just has a better insurance plan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp2nzh/the_queen_of_england_take_a_diplomatic_trip_to/
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What do rednecks do for Halloween?

Pumpkin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp2m3u/what_do_rednecks_do_for_halloween/
%
There are 10 types of people that understand binary

Those who do, and those who don’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp2ia1/there_are_10_types_of_people_that_understand/
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I didn't think braces on my legs would help

but I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp268v/i_didnt_think_braces_on_my_legs_would_help/
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What gun doesn't kill things?

A Vegun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp1vku/what_gun_doesnt_kill_things/
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Sister kills a butterfly

So, My sister killed a butterfly, I say "no more butter for you." Then 40 minutes later, she comes to my room and says "i killed a cockroach," I say "that's not how it works."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp1sok/sister_kills_a_butterfly/
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Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat, in the middle of a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “Check out what I can do!” He proceeds to stand up in the boat, strike his staff, and boom! The water parts and the boat is resting on the bottom! After holding the water back for a few seconds, he releases his hold on the water. “I bet you can’t do anything that beats that!” Moses states triumphantly.
So Jesus stands up and says “Well, I think I might have something.” He climbs on to the edge of the boat, takes a step, and falls straight into the water.
Moses, laughing until tears were coming from his eyes, helps Jesus back into the boat. “What the hell!” Jesus says while sputtering and coughing up water. “The last time I did that, it worked fine and I walked straight across!”
Moses, still laughing at the sight of Jesus being soaked, says “Well last time you didn’t have those holes in your feet!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp1e86/jesus_and_moses_are_sitting_in_a_boat_in_the/
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What spell did Harry Potter use to end the Wizarding War?

Expelliarmistice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp19xp/what_spell_did_harry_potter_use_to_end_the/
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What did Hermione Granger say to her friend that mispronounced their order at an Indian restaurant?

It’s samOsa not samoSA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp16uu/what_did_hermione_granger_say_to_her_friend_that/
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A girl was talking to her mother

Daughter: “Mummy, why is my name Lily?”
Mother: “Because a lily fell on your head when were born.”
The younger brother enters
Brother: “Uhhhh ahhhh uh uh!!”
Mother: “Shut up Brick!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp15vo/a_girl_was_talking_to_her_mother/
%
I woke up grumpy this morning.

She hates it when I call her that, but she was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp120e/i_woke_up_grumpy_this_morning/
%
Why are there trees in Paris?

So the Germans can walk in the shade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp0x1j/why_are_there_trees_in_paris/
%
Patrick's wife Phyllis wanted to help Patrick be less literal minded, so she decided to present him with a scenario. "You're alone in the desert with a lamp that you've rubbed that produced a genie who said he'd grant you three wishes". Patrick didn't even have to think before responding...

"No I'm not".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp0wzg/patricks_wife_phyllis_wanted_to_help_patrick_be/
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Three men walk into a hotel

The hotel owner has 18 daughters. The first man says "may I sleep with your 18 daughters?" The owner replies "no you may sleep with the chikens". The second man enters and says "may I sleep with your 18 daughters?" "No, you may sleep with the horses" The third man enters and says "may I sleep with your daughters?" The owner allows him to. The next morning the owner wakes up the three men, he asks the first one how he slept, "I slept like a chiken" he says. The owner asks the second man how he slept "like a horse he says" and the owner asks the third one how he slept "like a golfer," "why" "because I stuck my balls in 18 holes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp0vvz/three_men_walk_into_a_hotel/
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A teenage couple had kids but after some time went to court for being unsuitable parents...

...the result? Tried as adults.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp0vf3/a_teenage_couple_had_kids_but_after_some_time/
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My girlfriend smokes pot all day and works as a janitor in an apartment building.

She’s high maintenance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp0s29/my_girlfriend_smokes_pot_all_day_and_works_as_a/
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Some people think 9/11 was planned.

But it was actually plane-d.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp0o7z/some_people_think_911_was_planned/
%
A friend asked if I minded if he smoked

I've got one arm and replied: "no of course not I'm not affected by 2nd hand smoke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp0npz/a_friend_asked_if_i_minded_if_he_smoked/
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What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp0kq0/what_happens_to_a_frogs_car_when_it_breaks_down/
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I told my friend that I was going to an appointment, so he asked "which doctor?"

I told him that I wasn't into voodoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp0key/i_told_my_friend_that_i_was_going_to_an/
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin π
I'm sorry, I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp0etr/what_do_you_get_if_you_divide_the_circumference/
%
Why did the condom fly around the room?

Because it was pissed off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp0e9g/why_did_the_condom_fly_around_the_room/
%
What do you call a monster who looks pretty?

My ex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp0e6r/what_do_you_call_a_monster_who_looks_pretty/
%
Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp0cgq/why_are_frogs_always_so_happy/
%
I've always wanted to be a murderer...

Helping socially inept crows get together has always been a dream of mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp07fs/ive_always_wanted_to_be_a_murderer/
%
A guy with one leg stood before me at the ATM.

After waiting an unusual amount of time and the line behind me growing longer I decided to speak up.
"Everything alright man?"
To which he replied..
" yeah give me a moment just checking my balance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dp026c/a_guy_with_one_leg_stood_before_me_at_the_atm/
%
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dozysp/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_swam_into_a_wall/
%
Why does the skeleton go to church?

It keeps him on the straight and marrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dozx8s/why_does_the_skeleton_go_to_church/
%
A man was found guilty of murdering his parents

He asked the judge for leniency because he was an orphan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dozto5/a_man_was_found_guilty_of_murdering_his_parents/
%
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.
I know it’s stupid but c’mon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dozpuh/why_was_abraham_lincoln_never_put_in_jail/
%
As I walk around the children’s party I think,

“Wow, it was really easy to get that ankle monitor off.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dozkoi/as_i_walk_around_the_childrens_party_i_think/
%
A chicken farmer goes to the swap meet in the morning to buy a new rooster for his farm.

He finds a very impressive cock and buys it.  He brings the rooster home and before lunch time, that darn rooster had screwed every chicken on the farm.  The farmer couldn't believe it.  After lunch, that rooster had gone and screwed every chicken on the farm again.
As the sun was about to set, the farmer was walking around the farm looking for the rooster.  He finaly found him laying on the ground, eyes closed, tongue hanging out, buzzards circling above and the farmer said "ha, serves you right you ole horny bastard!"  The rooster raised his head and said "shhhhh...they're about to land!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dozk4n/a_chicken_farmer_goes_to_the_swap_meet_in_the/
%
How many Sith Lords does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's already on the dark side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dozfak/how_many_sith_lords_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Once a woman gave birth to a very ugly baby

When the nurse showed it to her, she told her husband:
-Look at this, isn't it a treasure?
The husband replied:
-Of course it is, bring a shovel and lets bury it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dozdjs/once_a_woman_gave_birth_to_a_very_ugly_baby/
%
What do you call an anti-vax buffalo?

A byeson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dozdi0/what_do_you_call_an_antivax_buffalo/
%
I finally found out how Jesus makes Tea

Hebrews It

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dozd8a/i_finally_found_out_how_jesus_makes_tea/
%
Drums. Never. Stop

(This one is for my fellow musicians)
So a man is on his private jet when suddenly they begin to go down. The pilots begin to look for a place to land and see an island off to their right. So they bank right and crash into the island. The pilots die, but the man is left with only minor scrapes and bruises. As he wanders in a daze, he can’t comprehend much except for the fact he hears drums continuously playing. He stumbles off until he notices a mud hut with its owner outside. He goes up to him.
Man: I’m sorry to bother you but why are their drums playing?
Owner: They always play. Never stop.
Man: Well why don’t they ever stop?
Owner: If drums stop, bad things happen. Very bad things. If you want to know story, go to Keeper of Wisdom. He tell all.
The man decides he’s going to search for the Keeper of Wisdom and ask him what happens, and as he’s walking he notices a woman carrying a basket walking on the side of the trail.
Man: Surely you know why there are drums playing.
The woman’s eyes widen
Woman: Yes. Drums. Never stop. Bad things happen when drums stop.
Man: Yes I know bad things happen, but what are the bad things that happen?
Woman: If must know. Go up hill to North. Keeper of Wisdom is there. He tell you.
Man: O...kay... thanks.
The man is baffled yet decides to go on a trek to the top of the mountain to the north, finding his direction purely by how the sun was setting and how the North Star was placed in the sky. He climbs up all night, with only his bare hands and only eating snacks he salvaged from the plane and water from a running stream. All of this is going on, and in the background the drums are playing. They never stop. Once day breaks, he sees he’s close to the top of the mountain. He uses his last night of energy and gets to the top of the hill, where he sees a very old and fragile man meditating on a stone. He knows right away this is the Keeper of Wisdom.
Man: Umm... e-excuse me, sir?
The Keeper of Wisdom looks up from his meditation and gives out a deep yet soothing, “yes?”
Man: I’ve just come from an overnight journey to see you, I must ask you a question.
Keeper: Oh? Well then. You may ask question.
Man: I crashed here yesterday and ever since I’ve gotten here there’s been drums that never stop. Why don’t they ever stop?
Keeper: Bad things happen. Very bad things.
Man: Like what, sir?
The keeper has a scared look on his face as he looks deeply at the man. He then replies:
“Bassoon solo.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doz83p/drums_never_stop/
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I used to be addicted to the Hokey-Pokey

But I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doz7sc/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokeypokey/
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Why did Dracula take a throat lozenge when he got home from the gym?

He was in a coffin fit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doz19t/why_did_dracula_take_a_throat_lozenge_when_he_got/
%
My mother said that we're having food from a different continent.

I looked at my empty plate and said "What is this?"
My mother said "It's African food"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doyrdg/my_mother_said_that_were_having_food_from_a/
%
What do you get for an Anti-Vaxx kid's third birthday?

Flowers on it grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doyr0o/what_do_you_get_for_an_antivaxx_kids_third/
%
I was on the phone with a United rep booking my flight.

They asked, "Window or aisle?"
After a moment, I replied, "Or you'll what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doyqi6/i_was_on_the_phone_with_a_united_rep_booking_my/
%
What do you call the vanishing fruit?

Disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doyl5e/what_do_you_call_the_vanishing_fruit/
%
My wife and I have decided we didn't want kids.

They didn't take it very well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doyigq/my_wife_and_i_have_decided_we_didnt_want_kids/
%
What is the opposite of Irony?

Wrinkly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doyc8i/what_is_the_opposite_of_irony/
%
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but it has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doyc4k/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do you call a farting duck

A butt quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doy94f/what_do_you_call_a_farting_duck/
%
In what part of Egypt do people tell lies?

Denial River

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doy7rs/in_what_part_of_egypt_do_people_tell_lies/
%
Why was the greek god arrested?

cuz it committed a misDEMETER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doy786/why_was_the_greek_god_arrested/
%
Love is like a fart

If you force it, it is probably shit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doy610/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can't stop staring at her.......

So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
The nun replies, "Okay well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though - firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun then says, "Okay then, pull into the next alley."
The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry.
The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?"
The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you - I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish."
The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doy5za/a_nun_gets_into_a_cab_and_notices_that_the_driver/
%
What Do You Call a Cat Afraid of Math?

A squaredycat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doy5w6/what_do_you_call_a_cat_afraid_of_math/
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My Thai girlfriend said, "These sweets are Haribo."

"Then don't eat them," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doy57b/my_thai_girlfriend_said_these_sweets_are_haribo/
%
I had a scary math joke...

But I'm 2^2 to say it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doy3iq/i_had_a_scary_math_joke/
%
A magician was driving down the the street...

And poof, he turns into a driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doxzvt/a_magician_was_driving_down_the_the_street/
%
Registration on the first day back at school in London, England....

Ahmed  Al Sheriah          ………………………………"here"
Mustafa  Al Sheriah          …………………………….."here"
Fatima  El Bindiri          ……………………………….."here"
Ali  Acmah Shabeeb          ……………………………"here"
Ali  Sun Al En ……………………..No answer
Ali Sun  Al En?
Little girl at the back stands up and yells ........ "It's  pronounced Alison Allen, for fuck sake !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doxzuz/registration_on_the_first_day_back_at_school_in/
%
A guy's boat sunk,

a boat came up to him and said "do you need help?"
He said,"No thanks, God will save me"
Another boast came by and said, "Do you need help?"
He said,"No thanks, God will save me"
Then he drowns, When he gets to heaven,
He says,"Why didn't you save me God?"
God said, "What do you mean? I sent two boats to come save you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doxzpo/a_guys_boat_sunk/
%
Halloween

I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doxz4n/halloween/
%
These trick or treaters seem to get older every year, just had two at the door now asking for money.

Costumes were good though, they were dressed as bailiffs.
I gave them a Mars bar each and told them to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doxyze/these_trick_or_treaters_seem_to_get_older_every/
%
Did you hear about the new Will Smith/Dwayne Johnson movie?

They play star-crossed lovers in the 1920s who are both struggling with a crisis of faith at their sexuality.  The working title is:
"Dwayne Will Rock Smith's Johnson"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doxpzs/did_you_hear_about_the_new_will_smithdwayne/
%
In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man:

*This body is your mother in law, yes?*
**Yes**
*How did she die?*
**Mushroom poisoning**
*But why does she have 26 stab wounds?*
**She was refusing to eat them**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doxox6/in_soviet_russia_policeman_questioning_a_man/
%
[NSFW] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doxov0/nsfw_the_average_length_is_2_to_3_inches_while/
%
There are 3 types of Dracula that use Reddit

Those that can Count Dracula, and those that can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doxncn/there_are_3_types_of_dracula_that_use_reddit/
%
If Wilson lent Tom Hanks $20...

Tom Hanks would be Owen Wilson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doxl5o/if_wilson_lent_tom_hanks_20/
%
An Indian chief goes to the village shaman...

An Indian chief goes to the village shaman and asks him if this year's winter will be harsh. The shaman thinks about the question for a while, does his thing and says "oh yeah, it will be a terrible winter"
So the village stockpiles everything they can as to survive the terrible winter. Winter rolls around and it's a very mild one.
The following year the chief asks the shaman once again. "Will we have a terrible winter or will it be a mild one?" The shaman once again does his magic, thinks about it a little and says "oh yeah, yeah... terrible winter."
So once again the village stockpiles everything they can to try and survive the winter but once again once the winter rolls around it's a very light one.
Fed up with his shaman the village chief goes to him and says "alright listen here, you've told me twice that the winter will be harsh and it wasn't, this is your last chance, if you're wrong again then I'm going to banish you from the village!"
The shaman scared that he will lose his home agrees to these terms but asks the chief for a couple of days to make sure this time he is correct. The chief agrees and each go their own way.
The shaman wanting to be certain he doesn't lose his home goes to his local meteorological center and asks the meteorologists there if they could tell him wherever this year's winter will be harsh or not, he needs to know otherwise he will get kicked out of his village.
The meteorologist think for a while and say "yeah, super harsh winter, the worst we've ever had!" The shaman asks "well how do you know?" And the meteorologist responds "oh that's easy, the local Indian tribe has been stockpiling food for the past two years"
A joke my dad told me when I told him that apparently we will have the harshest winter in a long time here in GB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doxkzv/an_indian_chief_goes_to_the_village_shaman/
%
It’s okay for me to use gorilla glue but as soon as I start using horse glue everyone gets all angry

Aren’t gorillas like, super endangered? WTF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doxk49/its_okay_for_me_to_use_gorilla_glue_but_as_soon/
%
The secret to a long life

A  doctor on his morning walk, noticed a shriveled, stooped old lady. She was sitting on her front step, contentedly smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
She said, "I smoke ten cigars a day. Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills and have sex. I don't exercise at all.”
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Forty",  she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doxjq6/the_secret_to_a_long_life/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill a million Irishmen?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dox0iv/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_a_million/
%
I like my beer like I like my men

Locked underground in a barrel for a decade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dowx4z/i_like_my_beer_like_i_like_my_men/
%
“Why cant i see anything”

Stevie wondered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dowwlw/why_cant_i_see_anything/
%
I recently made the switch from Colgate to Crest.

I gotta say, it's a real nice change of paste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dows0i/i_recently_made_the_switch_from_colgate_to_crest/
%
There was a scientist

That claimed that all ants are constipated.
A tabloid sent a reporter to investigate his claims.
The reporter traveled miles and miles and reached his expedition in the Amazon, finding him surrounded by students looking in awe at him picking ants off a colony.
The journalist respectfully approaches the group and, after waiting for the right moment, asks the scientist.
"So, we heard about your revolutionary theory, but how did you realize this?"
"Well, it's self explanatory, isn't it?" responds the scientist, handing over his tweezers with a wiggly ant captured between the tips.
The journalist looks carefully for clues. After minutes twisting and turning the thing
"That's it, I give up. How can you do it? It's too tiny! I can't see shit!"
"See, I told you they're constipated!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dowrzi/there_was_a_scientist/
%
the neurotic builds castles in the air, the psychotic lives in them,

and the psychiatrist collects the rent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dowr27/the_neurotic_builds_castles_in_the_air_the/
%
I once tried going to the local nunnery regularly...

But I just couldn’t get into the habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/downfg/i_once_tried_going_to_the_local_nunnery_regularly/
%
Today, I came home early to find my wife in bed

"Oh you're home early!" she said and started turning red. I had a joke for her and so I said
"Did you know yuri said I was hot?" My wife immediately asked
"Who's yuri?"
Then the guy under the covers said "Yuri-tarded!" And started laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dowjym/today_i_came_home_early_to_find_my_wife_in_bed/
%
Guess who stopped smoking this morning?

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dovyw4/guess_who_stopped_smoking_this_morning/
%
My Girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dovwnp/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_stole_her/
%
What does a redditor say when someone sneezes on him



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dovu5z/what_does_a_redditor_say_when_someone_sneezes_on/
%
Redneck daughter says "Daddy, can I borrow the truck?" (NSFW)

Her dad replies, "sure thing baby, but first, you gotta come I've here and suck my dick." So she goes down on him, but pulls away and yells, "damn Daddy, your dick tastes like shit!" Her dad says, "oh yeah, that's right, your brother borrowed the truck bout an hour ago, sorry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dovrqi/redneck_daughter_says_daddy_can_i_borrow_the/
%
Blind people aren't able to program.

They can't C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dovj3v/blind_people_arent_able_to_program/
%
What do you call a gay couple in Alabama

Brotherly love

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doviwm/what_do_you_call_a_gay_couple_in_alabama/
%
Reversing

God damn, that takes me back...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dovife/reversing/
%
What do you call a double date in Alabama?

A family dinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dovifh/what_do_you_call_a_double_date_in_alabama/
%
A buddy of mine in the medical profession recently lost his job for trying to sleep with a patient...

Let me tell you, being a veterinarian isn't all it's cracked up to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dovi4u/a_buddy_of_mine_in_the_medical_profession/
%
The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates...

The bartender asks “What can I get for you?”
The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.”
The bartender replies “So three drinks?”
“What the hell is three?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dovecr/the_ceo_of_valve_walks_into_a_bar_with_two_of_his/
%
At a restaurant, a girl asked me if I was single.

I said yes, and then she took the chair in front of me,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dov7wt/at_a_restaurant_a_girl_asked_me_if_i_was_single/
%
Roses are brown, violets are grey

I just found out I'm colorblind today.
>!It's becoming a real problem at the traffic lights I'm afraid to say!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dout6a/roses_are_brown_violets_are_grey/
%
How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office?

Erections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/douris/how_did_a_sexy_but_unqualified_japanese_woman_get/
%
What is the smallest body of water in the South?

The gene pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doumew/what_is_the_smallest_body_of_water_in_the_south/
%
When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me:  "You're next."  They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/douebg/when_i_was_younger_i_hated_going_to_weddings/
%
What do you call a tutor that sleeps with their students?

A prostitutor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dou7tg/what_do_you_call_a_tutor_that_sleeps_with_their/
%
Landed a job a few weeks ago as an archeologist excavating tombs in Egypt. But when I went in for work, they just had me go and recruit more archeologists.

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dou6c5/landed_a_job_a_few_weeks_ago_as_an_archeologist/
%
Why did the cat fall down the well?

Because the cat didn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dou23n/why_did_the_cat_fall_down_the_well/
%
Why are baking recipes so secretive?

They're on a knead the dough basis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dou1ys/why_are_baking_recipes_so_secretive/
%
What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get a FUCKING clown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dotw0u/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mentally_ill/
%
My sister just had a baby to try and 'save the relationship'

But I still don't talk to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dotpnm/my_sister_just_had_a_baby_to_try_and_save_the/
%
FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dotoz0/fda_no_longer_allows_patients_to_be_prescribed/
%
What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doto5m/what_do_japanese_men_do_when_they_have_erections/
%
How did the socks feel when they were taken off at the end of the day?

Defeeted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doto28/how_did_the_socks_feel_when_they_were_taken_off/
%
While walking past a mental hospital

I could hear chanting from the other side of the fence. “Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen...”
I noticed a small hole in the fence and looked through to see what the chanting was about. Suddenly I got a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!
Then the chanting changed, “fourteen, fourteen, fourteen”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dot6gy/while_walking_past_a_mental_hospital/
%
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do at night time?

Lie in bed, wondering if there is a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dot5sf/what_does_a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac_do_at/
%
I'm going to go fertilize my garden

I'll let you know when I'm done shitting my plants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dot5qd/im_going_to_go_fertilize_my_garden/
%
There was a joke telling contest in Germany

Nobody laughed, but it was very well organized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dot0g9/there_was_a_joke_telling_contest_in_germany/
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What do you call a wolf that has things figured out?

Aware wolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dosv9o/what_do_you_call_a_wolf_that_has_things_figured/
%
Why do java programmers wear glasses?

Because they can’t C#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dostrv/why_do_java_programmers_wear_glasses/
%
Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you when you aren’t even remotely interested in her?

...My wife really acts fucking strange sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dosomo/does_anyone_else_hate_it_when_a_girl_pulls_the_i/
%
The three greatest disaster of the 20th century:

hiroshima  '45
chernobyl  '86
windows   '95

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dosnqx/the_three_greatest_disaster_of_the_20th_century/
%
A lawyer and his friend waiting in line inside a bank when 5 robbers declared a hold up.

The robbers told everybody to lie down and put their money and jewelries inside the bag that the robbers are carrying. Then before the robbers reach the both of them, the lawyer gave his friend $2000-
Lawyer : That's the $2000 that i owe you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dosln3/a_lawyer_and_his_friend_waiting_in_line_inside_a/
%
Man: Hey! How much is your consultation fee? Lawyer : $100- for 3 questions.

Man: That's pretty expensive isn't it?
Lawyer : Yes, now what is your third question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doshhb/man_hey_how_much_is_your_consultation_fee_lawyer/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dosgcl/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
Hunting accident

Two oldtimers Bill and Ted, are out in the woods hunting deer, having a few beers and remembering days gone by.
Suddenly Bill clutches his chest "Aaarh my heart, I think I'm dying, help Ted" and down he goes, out cold no pulse.
Ted grabs his phone and hits 911 "help, I'm in the woods and my pal just dropped dead, what should I do?".
The operator answers "OK sir don't panic, first thing to do is make sure he's actually dead"
"OK give me a second"
BANG
"Right, now he's definitely dead...what next?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dosac1/hunting_accident/
%
Boris finds a gold fish...

"Hello Boris," says the gold fish "I will grant you three wishes". Excited brexeter says "I really like Donald Trump. Can I have a road running through the UK to America?", The goldfish laughs and tells him that bulding such thing on water is impossible! "Another wish, Boris" slightly annoyed Boris says "Fine ... I want brexit to happen!" "Did you want a dual carriageway or a motorway?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dos2uk/boris_finds_a_gold_fish/
%
What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

Murdered in a tunnel in Paris.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dos0vt/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_the_queen_and_prince/
%
One night, I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dorxph/one_night_i_did_an_insane_amount_of_drugs_and/
%
Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull?

They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dorvyt/why_cant_an_animal_be_both_a_cow_and_a_bull/
%
A guy went to the doctor and complained:

"Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom never broke. How is it possible?"
"Well, let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, shot the lion and killed it!"
"Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion."
"Exactly!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doruae/a_guy_went_to_the_doctor_and_complained/
%
Two Montana rednecks are out hunting and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground...

They approached it and are amazed by the depth of it. The first Hunter says, "Wow,that's some whole.I can't even see the bottom.Must be an old mine shaft. I wonder how deep it is."
The second Hunter says,"Well,let's grab that old transmission over there and throw it down in the hole and we'll see how long it takes to hit the bottom."
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one,two,and three and throw it in the hole.They're standing there listening and looking over the edge when all of the sudden they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush,run up to the whole and with no hesitation jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other,and looking in the hole dumbfounded, and trying to figure out what that was all about an old farmer walks up and says,"Say there, you fellers haven't seen my goat around have you?"
One of the hunters replies,"Funny you should ask.We were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here."
"That's impossible."the old farmer said."I had him chained to a transmission."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dorrr6/two_montana_rednecks_are_out_hunting_and_as_they/
%
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words.

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dorreg/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
%
A man visits his doctor after a severe allergic reaction.

The doctor enters the examination room and asks him, "How are we feeling today?"
The man replies, "Swell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dorl7b/a_man_visits_his_doctor_after_a_severe_allergic/
%
A man stepped out of his house to go for his afternoon walk when he noticed his neighbor had two black eyes...

"Whatn' hell happened to you Frank?"
"Well, I was in church last Sunday and I noticed a lady in front of me had her dress stuck up in her buns so being the gentleman I am I reached down and pulled the dress free and she turned around and hit me between the eyes"he replied.
The neighbor shot back,"You mean to tell me that woman hit you so hard that she blackened  both your eyes?"
"No,"said Frank."but when we stood up to sing another hymn I tucked it back up in there for her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dorjbd/a_man_stepped_out_of_his_house_to_go_for_his/
%
Shawn: *yawns*

Sean: *yeans*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dorhit/shawn_yawns/
%
I saw a craigslist add for Mobile Improvised Explosive Device Model and I had to apply.

After all, that opportunity only comes around once in a lifetime.
<There is my dark, cynical Halloween joke. :-)>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dordu7/i_saw_a_craigslist_add_for_mobile_improvised/
%
Do any of you fellow Redditors post jokes while driving in traffic?

I normally don't, but I was just wonderkjtivnodoijhgh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doracx/do_any_of_you_fellow_redditors_post_jokes_while/
%
Why are vaccinated kids most likley to get autism?

because all of the anti-vax kids are dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dor8iz/why_are_vaccinated_kids_most_likley_to_get_autism/
%
Time (stolen from a friend)

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective"
"
"You're still bloody late" replied my boss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dor8g4/time_stolen_from_a_friend/
%
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

**CITY PLANNER:** No, this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much much bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doqvrb/cowboy_this_town_aint_big_enough_for_the_both_of/
%
Books I’d recommend

‘Excel in Maths’ by Cal Q. Luss
’Marine Giants’ by Meg LeDonne
‘DIY Automotive Repair’ by Carly King
‘Orchestral Percussion’ by Tim Penny
‘I Got Away With a Minor Crime’ by Jay Walker
‘Nordic Vodka’ by Finn Landia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doqiiq/books_id_recommend/
%
My friend rip me this joke and I can’t stop laughing

Lawyer: my client is stuck in a penny
Judge: what
Lawyer: he is in a cent
Judge: he is in a cent?
Lawyer and client leave the courtroom doing the joker and spider man dance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doqi3r/my_friend_rip_me_this_joke_and_i_cant_stop/
%
What’s Beethoven up to these days?

Decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doqe3e/whats_beethoven_up_to_these_days/
%
A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.
For a while all was well and the bride and the groom spend their honeymoon making a roadtrip with the car, but as luck would have it, they soon got into a serious of arguments and first got separated, and filed for a divorce. In the heat of their passion and hurry to get married they did not make a prenup, and when they divided their possessions, the Mustang ended up in the hands of the groom.
The bride, stricken, moved back in with with her mother, who was upset about the unhappiness of her daughter, the divorce and the loss of the family heirloom, the Mustang. She asked her daughter whether or not there was any way for getting the car back to which she told her that she had a plan. The daughter however did not want to tell her mother the plan, but started taking fencing lessons, and practiced night and day, barely doing anything else. The mother tried to inquire the reason for this, but the daughter remained tightlipped about her plan. One morning, she left right before the dawn with her fencing kit and few hour later returned with precious Mustang. Happy with the return of the car, her mother ask how did she manage such a feat.
*“Well, Ma.”* The daughter replied enthusiastically , *“As you noticed, I really wanted to get the Mustang back and told you I have a plan. I consulted some people over the internet and got some fairly good advice from them for getting the car back!  I started practicing my fencing every waking hour. I called my husband and told him I wanted the car back and challenged him to a duel with swords over the car, knowing full well that he would not be able to resist such a gamble.”*
*“So we settled a the time and the place for the duel, and this morning I went to the nearby meadow to meet him, and he brought the car. At dawn we drew swords, and due to my intense practice with the blade, he did not stand a change. It over all over in a few seconds: he attacked me and I parried his blow easily, gaining the upper hand and giving him a fatal blow, and winning back the our lovely Mustang. The people in reddit were right, riposting was the best way to get the car, Ma! ”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doq9i8/a_young_man_and_a_young_woman_met_at_a_party_fell/
%
A Limbo Champion Walks into a Bar...

And he is immediately disqualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doq6n7/a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do we want ?

rights for midgets
when do we want them ?
shortly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doq5ll/what_do_we_want/
%
I said to my wife, "I saw a woman with her tits out on the bus feeding her son."

She said, "It's natural."
"Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doq5dj/i_said_to_my_wife_i_saw_a_woman_with_her_tits_out/
%
I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

I now live in constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doq50b/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
%
Did you know that on the Canary Islands there is not one Canary? And on the Virgin Isles same thing.

There is not one canary there either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doq31s/did_you_know_that_on_the_canary_islands_there_is/
%
What does getting a Christmas gift and having a kid have in common?

It's usually way more fun to play with the box it came in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doq2z3/what_does_getting_a_christmas_gift_and_having_a/
%
Me and my wife had a huge row yesterday.

We love our new kayak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dopy8u/me_and_my_wife_had_a_huge_row_yesterday/
%
A group of DnD players walk into a bar

The bartender asks, “what’re you all in for?”
The group says “we’re hunting mimics”
The bartender laughed, the group laughed, the table laughed. They killed the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dopx81/a_group_of_dnd_players_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Did you know there's a Specific type of tin used on buses that when not treated properly can give off toxins that'll leach into your skin giving some hallucinogenic side effects

TL;dr Bus tin makes me feel good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dopnxx/did_you_know_theres_a_specific_type_of_tin_used/
%
Scientists have discovered that bees die because of exposure to boobs

They call it die-of-bee-tits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doplo6/scientists_have_discovered_that_bees_die_because/
%
If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"
I hope that blew your minds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dopasp/if_womb_is_pronounced_woom_tomb_is_pronounced/
%
What’s black and doesn’t work?

Decaf coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dop6mj/whats_black_and_doesnt_work/
%
I just called the Tinnitus Hot Line

It didn't stop ringing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dop4qj/i_just_called_the_tinnitus_hot_line/
%
Lawyer : But mickey are you sure you want to get a divorce simply because of your wife's clumsiness.

Mickey : I didn't say she was clumsy doc, I said she was fucking goofy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dop4dv/lawyer_but_mickey_are_you_sure_you_want_to_get_a/
%
My Dad has a box of crayons on him at all times

I'm so proud that he's in the Marines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dop1oo/my_dad_has_a_box_of_crayons_on_him_at_all_times/
%
Saw a sketchy looking man outside Walmart begging for money so he could buy the new life size Wonder Woman doll.

I swear, these heroine addicts looking worse every year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doozhn/saw_a_sketchy_looking_man_outside_walmart_begging/
%
I met the man who invented the windowsill.

A proper ledge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dooy97/i_met_the_man_who_invented_the_windowsill/
%
Cat puns

Freak meowt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doonn2/cat_puns/
%
A cloud floated into the bar for a drink

The bartender said “I’m sorry, but your thunder-aged”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doom08/a_cloud_floated_into_the_bar_for_a_drink/
%
I tried to throw a slab of beef at my boss

That was a missed steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doohf8/i_tried_to_throw_a_slab_of_beef_at_my_boss/
%
3 prostitutes were drinking in a bar

After a few too many drinks the women began to boast about how much they can fit inside themselves.
The first woman took a sip of her drink and proceeded to push her fist up to her wrist into her pussy, confident that she had won the competition she sat back and smiled.
The second woman not deterred by the prior display took a large swig of her drink and proceeded to place both fists elbow deep into her pussy.
The third woman said nothing. She finished her drink and just smiled at her 2 overly accommodating friends.
Just as the second woman opened her mouth to declare victory the third woman laughed, adjusted herself and slid down the barstool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doodvv/3_prostitutes_were_drinking_in_a_bar/
%
Someone once called me illiterate.

Bullshit. My folks had been married three years when they had me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doodcx/someone_once_called_me_illiterate/
%
Martin was depressed

because he never got girls. But then Martin became a director. Now Martin scores easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doocen/martin_was_depressed/
%
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu:  You get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dooc37/hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
%
A son and daughter walk up to their father.

Son: Dad which one of us do you love more?
Father: My love for you is like communism.
Daughter: So equally?
Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doo432/a_son_and_daughter_walk_up_to_their_father/
%
My grandpa told me

He saw the Titanic.
At that time he constantly warned people the ship is going to sink, but no one would even give him the time of day.
My grandpa is the man.  He wasn't going to roll over.
He kept warning over and over
until...
he was kicked out of the theatre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doo308/my_grandpa_told_me/
%
What have Muslims and Scottish weather got in common?

They're often either Sunni or Shiite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doo1yf/what_have_muslims_and_scottish_weather_got_in/
%
To the guy who stole my Microsoft Office License.

Im gonna find you. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doo1d2/to_the_guy_who_stole_my_microsoft_office_license/
%
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate...

It was the father, son and the goalie host...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/donvuz/after_my_sons_team_won_the_soccer_tournament/
%
Got fired from my job as a security guard.

I had to escort myself out of the building.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/donpm5/got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_security_guard/
%
A man was married to a woman named Lorraine but had a mistress named Clairee.

One day, his wife left him. He wasn't too upset. In fact, he began to sing:
"I can see Clairee now, Lorraine is gone."
Sorry... I'll see myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/donp9k/a_man_was_married_to_a_woman_named_lorraine_but/
%
I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/donifs/im_hosting_a_charity_event_for_people_who/
%
Was your daddy a carpenter?

Because I wouldn't nail you if I was hammered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dond6b/was_your_daddy_a_carpenter/
%
What do you call breasts without nipples?

Pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/domoju/what_do_you_call_breasts_without_nipples/
%
What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?

Gum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/domm24/what_goes_in_hard_and_dry_but_comes_out_soft_and/
%
What do you call the Tibetan God of Regret?

The Shoulda Coulda Woulda Buddha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/domkg2/what_do_you_call_the_tibetan_god_of_regret/
%
Ole has not been satisfying Lena lately, so he goes off to the doctor

When he comes back he is wearing pinstripe trousers, ruffled shirt with silk tie, a frock coat and a tall hat. He has a huge gold pocket watch and is smoking a cigar the size of a dachshund, and he is leaning on a silver-mounted ebony walking stick.
"Ole!" yells Lena, "what on earth are you doing got up like that?"
"Lena," says Ole, "the doctor says I'm impo'tant, and if I'm impo'tant then by cracky I'm gonna *look* impo'tant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/domeb3/ole_has_not_been_satisfying_lena_lately_so_he/
%
I recently discovered I am color blind

It came out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/domd2g/i_recently_discovered_i_am_color_blind/
%
What rhymes with orange?

No it doesn't!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dolz9q/what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dolyl9/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_down_a_mine/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doltrl/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives.

The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there".
The second man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter. Last night I found a tool belt in the laundry basket, and we've not had any renovations to the house in years..."
The third man says, "I'm in the same boat, but I don't think you two have it as bad as I do... My wife is having an affair with a horse!"
The two other man both look at him with a confused look and demand an explanation.
The third man lies back and says: "It's very simple, boys, when I got home last night, I found a jockey hidden in the wardrobe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dolocm/three_men_sat_around_a_table_in_a_bar_and_talked/
%
If light travels faster than sound...

Why did the driver of the BMW behind me sound his horn before the traffic light turned green?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dolj8p/if_light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
"You won't believe who I ran into today!"

"Who?"
"I don't know but she's in the hospital and I will probably lose my driving license."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dolhnn/you_wont_believe_who_i_ran_into_today/
%
I think traffic lights might have a crush on me.

They always turn red when I’m around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dolgj2/i_think_traffic_lights_might_have_a_crush_on_me/
%
99 guys walk into a bar

The 100th ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dol1yx/99_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What's a Mexicans favourite sport

Cross Country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dokx9h/whats_a_mexicans_favourite_sport/
%
What's brown and sticky?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dokprd/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
What do elephants wear on their legs?

Elepants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dokl5x/what_do_elephants_wear_on_their_legs/
%
Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my new home. I love it here.
**September 1:** Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a sun-worshipper – no blasted rain like back in London! Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It’s Paradise !
**October 1:** The temperature hasn’t been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected. Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do. Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
**October 25:** This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer. And it’s hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged R200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from @#$# Johannesburg. The wife & the kids are complaining.
**October 30:** The temperature’s up around 40 and the parts still haven’t arrived for the fucking air conditioner. House is an oven so we’ve all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bleeding R4 million house and we can’t even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
**November 4:** Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost R1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 35 degrees. Stupid repairman. Fucking thief. If one more smart bastard says ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to fucking throttle him. Fucking heat! By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like baked cat. Fucking place is the end of the Earth.
**November 9:** Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my fucking backside was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fucking behind. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried bum and baked cat. The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording – hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 bleeding months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Fuck!!
**November 15:** Doesn’t it ever rain in this darn place? Water restrictions will be next, so my R5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fucking flies. You don’t dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little buzzards!
**November 20:** Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 degrees today. Now the air conditioner is gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I wanted to shove the car up his backside. Anyway, had to spend the R2,500 of the mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fool. Fucking PHALABORWA! What kind of sick, demented idiot would want to live here!
**December 1:** WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are fucking kidding me, right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dokebz/diary_of_an_englishman_after_he_moves_to_south/
%
Guy tells the talent agent, "My dog can talk."

Talent agent: "Prove it."
Guy, to dog: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: *Rough, rough!*
Guy: "What's on top of a house?"
Dog: *Roof, roof!*
Guy: "Who was the greatest Yankee ever?"
Dog: *Ruth, Ruth!*
Talent agent throws them out of his office.
Dog, turning to guy, with a puzzled expression: "Was it DiMaggio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dok2tx/guy_tells_the_talent_agent_my_dog_can_talk/
%
There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dojzq9/there_was_an_old_man_who_lived_by_a_forest/
%
Three insurance salesmen were each boasting about there service.

The first one said, "Last month, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. A check was mailed to his wife the next day." "That's nothing," says the second salesman. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within forty-five minutes. That afternoon, I hand delivered a check." "Bitches, please," said the third salesman. "My office is on the twentieth floor of the building. Yesterday, one of my insured, who was washing a window on the floor above me, slipped and fell. I handed him his check just as he passed my office."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dojzen/three_insurance_salesmen_were_each_boasting_about/
%
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dojz0n/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole_i/
%
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dojwjz/why_was_darth_vader_referred_to_as_lord_vader/
%
A husband is doing a crossword puzzle with his wife.

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: *Never*
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
W: *Gun*
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: *Ugh*
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: *Give*
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: *Ewe*
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: *Up*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dojunu/a_husband_is_doing_a_crossword_puzzle_with_his/
%
What do you call an espresso with a cold?

Coughee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dojtrn/what_do_you_call_an_espresso_with_a_cold/
%
A friend wished me a happy anniversary

"How long have you been married?"
Me: "Two fucking years."
Wife: "Umm, it's been five years."
Me: "Thank you honey. I was just getting to that part.          ...and three non-fucking years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dojpmk/a_friend_wished_me_a_happy_anniversary/
%
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your MOM has flipped"

Me: "WOW"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dojkrh/doctor_sir_im_afraid_your_mom_has_flipped/
%
What’s the difference between a pimp and a gardener?

You really shouldn’t ask a pimp for a vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dojhy2/whats_the_difference_between_a_pimp_and_a_gardener/
%
Went to the store to buy break fluid.

Came back with some coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dojhmq/went_to_the_store_to_buy_break_fluid/
%
The wife and I decided we don't want children.

We're telling them tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doj91o/the_wife_and_i_decided_we_dont_want_children/
%
I gave my blonde girlfriend a bath in milk

I asked her if she wanted the milk pasteurized. She said "nah just up to my boobs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doj133/i_gave_my_blonde_girlfriend_a_bath_in_milk/
%
I have an addiction to brake fluid

But I can't stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doiucl/i_have_an_addiction_to_brake_fluid/
%
I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.

She said it's in case she has to draw blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doito0/i_discovered_red_crayons_in_my_girlfriends_nurse/
%
What are the most profound jokes ever?

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber  whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch  while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand  and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which  do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doippd/what_are_the_most_profound_jokes_ever/
%
I, someday, want to make an edgy football joke on this sub.

It's my goal post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doipgj/i_someday_want_to_make_an_edgy_football_joke_on/
%
Called my local sperm bank clinic to know what's the best time to pay them a visit.

They said, “Whenever you feel like coming.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doinr3/called_my_local_sperm_bank_clinic_to_know_whats/
%
Me and a friend went camping. We pitched our tent, went fishing, then got in our tent and went to bed.

At around midnight, I woke up and looked at the stars. I told my friend, “Look! The stars! Do you know what that means?” He says, “The stars are other planets. Does that mean there could be other life out there?”
I told him, “You idiot. It means someone stole our tent.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doijaw/me_and_a_friend_went_camping_we_pitched_our_tent/
%
I went shopping for cherries and a microphone.

Bought a bing bought a boom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doii7b/i_went_shopping_for_cherries_and_a_microphone/
%
You know kids that get vaccinated are more likely to have autism

It’s because they’re still alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doih6f/you_know_kids_that_get_vaccinated_are_more_likely/
%
9 months isn't all that long

It only feels like a maternity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doih0i/9_months_isnt_all_that_long/
%
Doctor: you'll soon be at peace

Man: am I dying?
Doctor: no, your wife is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doifbq/doctor_youll_soon_be_at_peace/
%
What do an eraser company and an abortion clinic have in common?

They both make money on your mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doiec0/what_do_an_eraser_company_and_an_abortion_clinic/
%
What do you call a duck on drugs?

A quackhead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doidgh/what_do_you_call_a_duck_on_drugs/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline is apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doi3un/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dohvfw/a_woman_in_labor_suddenly_shouted_out_shouldnt/
%
Saw a fat chick wearing a shirt that said “guess”

So I said about 340, now she wants to fight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dohq8w/saw_a_fat_chick_wearing_a_shirt_that_said_guess/
%
What do you a call a dinosaur that drinks tea?

A Tea-rex.
My 5 year old likes to tell me this. It makes me chuckle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dohold/what_do_you_a_call_a_dinosaur_that_drinks_tea/
%
What is the tallest building?

A library, it has so many stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dohnvj/what_is_the_tallest_building/
%
I bleed red, white, and blue.

But I won't see a doctor about it because I'm an American that can't afford it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dohjxy/i_bleed_red_white_and_blue/
%
My wife told me I planted the wrong flowers.

oopsie daisy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dohipk/my_wife_told_me_i_planted_the_wrong_flowers/
%
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big

He was ostrich-sized :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dohh6p/i_know_this_bird_who_was_excluded_from_his_flock/
%
Hippies don't urinate

They make peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dohgwk/hippies_dont_urinate/
%
I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest

I lost the case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dohcf5/i_went_to_court_after_my_pillow_charged_me_with/
%
Today a Scam Artist was caught.

He had been selling "the Elixir of Immortality".
Police have discovered that he's been caught doing this four separate times, in 2007, 1993, 1987 and 1884.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doha7y/today_a_scam_artist_was_caught/
%
lucky? yes. always? no.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.
The man thinks "hmmmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something."
So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
The horse came in seventh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doh9hu/lucky_yes_always_no/
%
I used a MeetUp app and attended a BDSM meetup...

but left the meetup a little blue :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doh644/i_used_a_meetup_app_and_attended_a_bdsm_meetup/
%
You should never mess with chinese people

Because there a good chance you mess with the Wong family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doh5pt/you_should_never_mess_with_chinese_people/
%
I got so drunk last night I slept like a baby.

I pissed and shat myself, woke up crying looking for another bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doh40d/i_got_so_drunk_last_night_i_slept_like_a_baby/
%
I was talking with a narcissist who was only thinking about himself.

He kept telling me to lose weight even though he was sitting on his ass for hours on end.
Anyways that's why I don't meditate anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doh26a/i_was_talking_with_a_narcissist_who_was_only/
%
A Golem walks into a bar...

And the barkeeper says "Mr. Livingstone, I presume?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doh18b/a_golem_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I called my friend just now and said: "I have a joke for you"

Friend: "Ok shoot"
Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"
Friend: "I dunno what?"
Me: "A bat, now what has an enourmous penis and hangs up?"
Friend: "I dunno what?"
*Click*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dogvpl/i_called_my_friend_just_now_and_said_i_have_a/
%
Lost one of my gloves at work today

Things really got out of hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doguze/lost_one_of_my_gloves_at_work_today/
%
Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dogtry/police_have_arrested_a_man_for_having_sex_with/
%
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?

Aw shucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dogel5/what_did_the_ear_of_corn_say_when_all_of_its/
%
Why did the duck get arrested?

He was selling "quack".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dogdi6/why_did_the_duck_get_arrested/
%
Postal service jokes don't need much setup

It's all in the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dogaeu/postal_service_jokes_dont_need_much_setup/
%
Did you know Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween?

Turns out they don’t like random people showing up at the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dog7ro/did_you_know_jehovahs_witnesses_dont_celebrate/
%
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body?

He's alright now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dog6t2/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_lost_the_left_side/
%
After a bad cut, I asked the ER nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said, “Suture self.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dog68b/after_a_bad_cut_i_asked_the_er_nurse_if_i_could/
%
Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?

On her bedroom dresser he found a bottle of "polish remover."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dog4xs/did_you_hear_about_the_polak_who_thought_his_wife/
%
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.

It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dog3hm/a_traffic_cop_went_through_the_trouble_of_putting/
%
What’s the difference between weather and climate?

You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dog37f/whats_the_difference_between_weather_and_climate/
%
Tradition

Is just peer pressure from dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dofs53/tradition/
%
Why do born again Christians like to play hide and seek with Jesus?

Because they keep finding God

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dofqtj/why_do_born_again_christians_like_to_play_hide/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexia Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dofl31/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
A moth walks into a podiatrist's office

.  The doctor asks, "What's the  problem?" The moth replies, "Doc, let me tell you.  I hate my job.   Every single day I have to go & I hate my boss and I hate my job.  I  wake up every day next to a woman that I once loved, but I stopped  loving her long ago.  Last year my youngest child died of pneumonia.  My  other child...I no longer love him.  When I look into his eyes, all I  see is the same hatred I see when I look in the mirror.  All I want to  do is get my gun and kill myself, but I don't even have the guts to do  that." The doctor says, "Those are some serious problems.  You need  help.  But you need a psychiatrist.  Why in the world did you come into a  podiatrist's office?"
And the moth says, "Because the light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dofe5d/a_moth_walks_into_a_podiatrists_office/
%
I never quite understood why so many people don’t get along with vegans.

I never had a beef with one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dofdiv/i_never_quite_understood_why_so_many_people_dont/
%
Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dofa2q/two_men_are_stranded_on_a_deserted_island_one/
%
PASSWORD PROBLEMS ( LONG ONE )

Windows : Please enter your new password.
User : cabbage
Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
User : boiled cabbage
Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character.
User : 1 boiled cabbage
Windows : Sorry, the password must not have blank spaces.
User : 50bloodyboiledcabbages
Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
User : 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
Windows : Sorry, the password must not have cosecutive capital letters.
User : 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow!
Windows : Sorry, the password cannot contain a special character.
User : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow
Windows : Sorry, this password is already in use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doexsn/password_problems_long_one/
%
What happens when the CIA go to Sleep?

They Go Undercover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doedl3/what_happens_when_the_cia_go_to_sleep/
%
What did the redditor say to get attention

Its my cake day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doe6bh/what_did_the_redditor_say_to_get_attention/
%
I want my dentist to know he's appreciated..

So every year I give him a little plaque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doe3sv/i_want_my_dentist_to_know_hes_appreciated/
%
[first day as a bartender]

**Customer:** I'll have a martini, *dry.*
**Me [staring at all the liquid ingredients]:**
I don't know how to tell you this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doe0uf/first_day_as_a_bartender/
%
Little girl says to her mum, for Christmas I want a GI Joe to go with my Barbie.

Mum says I thought Barbie came with Ken, Little girl replies, no she fakes it with Ken:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dodynn/little_girl_says_to_her_mum_for_christmas_i_want/
%
What did Venezuelans use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dodxq0/what_did_venezuelans_use_to_light_their_homes/
%
So I’m In Prison And I Don’t Even Know Why

All I did was board a plane and I saw my old friend Jack so I yelled “ Hi, Jack!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dodvxi/so_im_in_prison_and_i_dont_even_know_why/
%
Why do the French like to eat snails?

They can't stand fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dodua9/why_do_the_french_like_to_eat_snails/
%
Guy goes to a prostitute and asks what she can do

She asks him how much money does he have?
Guy: "Only $10."
Prostitute, "For $10, I can give you a penguin."
The guy figures this is new lingo, so he pays her the money.
In an alleyway, she pulls down his pants and starts blowing him.  Just as he tells her he is about to cum, she gets up and walks away.  The guy waddles after her with his pants around his ankles and yells, "Wait, come back!"
(this joke is much better told verbally when you can demonstrate the penguin walk)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dodu05/guy_goes_to_a_prostitute_and_asks_what_she_can_do/
%
My four year old told me this.

Where does a dog hide when it plays hide and seek?
The roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dodh7w/my_four_year_old_told_me_this/
%
MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.
CIA rolls in with a thousand operators, detains a number of squirrels in secret torture hotels within the forest and feeds general disarray within the region in order to flush out the rabbit. After a month, they get the US Navy and Air Force to initiate a joint operation in the area, reducing the entire forest to ash. The CIA laments the destabilisation and destruction of the local animal society, but concludes that at least the dangerous rabbit has been eliminated.
Finally, two FSB officers walk into their forest. After an hour, they walk back out and drag to the press conference a dazed, badly beaten bear, who is looking off camera and repeating: "I am a rabbit. My mother and father were rabbits..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dodezx/mi5_cia_and_fsb_are_tasked_with_finding_a_rabbit/
%
What did Mike Tyson say after going 10 rounds in the ring?

That was in tenths!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dodc43/what_did_mike_tyson_say_after_going_10_rounds_in/
%
When Winnie the Pooh eats honey straight from the jar with his paw, it's cute...

But when I hang around a donkey while wearing nothing but a red t-shirt, someone calls the cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dodbpa/when_winnie_the_pooh_eats_honey_straight_from_the/
%
If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock

That's humerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dod8cr/if_you_boil_your_funny_bone_it_becomes_a_laughing/
%
We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked.

But, Plan e just might take off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dod86r/we_tried_plan_a_b_c_d_but_none_have_worked/
%
Threw my wife a bukake party the other night

Everybody came!
You should’ve seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dod5qs/threw_my_wife_a_bukake_party_the_other_night/
%
What's the best time to rescue a princess?

Knight time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doctc0/whats_the_best_time_to_rescue_a_princess/
%
Do you know the difference between and entomologist and an etymologist?

One of them does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/docst7/do_you_know_the_difference_between_and/
%
So my neighbour sees me bent over, busy in my garden. And she asks what I'm doing.

"I'm alphabetising all my plants"
"Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"
"It's right next to the sage"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/docomr/so_my_neighbour_sees_me_bent_over_busy_in_my/
%
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true?

Me: To be honest i never knew she sold flowers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/docjft/therapist_your_wife_says_you_never_buy_her/
%
I ended up quitting my job cause they promoted a little person to supervisor.

I just got sick of the micro managing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/docdid/i_ended_up_quitting_my_job_cause_they_promoted_a/
%
What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pump-kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/docb39/what_do_hillbillies_do_on_halloween/
%
The current world record for longest joke...

The current world record for longest joke is 49 minutes.  The next world record will be set at the end of Trumps Presidency

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/docaxu/the_current_world_record_for_longest_joke/
%
How do I rate my new car?

I accele-rate it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doby7c/how_do_i_rate_my_new_car/
%
A man is on his way home after a business meeting in a bar.

While being distracted for a moment, he rear ends a car at a red traffic light with a gay couple inside.
Well knowing that he probably won't pass a sobriety test, the man approaches the driver to check whether police needs to be involved.
"Listen, man, I'm sorry, it's totally my fault. I will take care of the damage, plus 100$ extra for inconvenience. No need for police involved."
The driver, feeling there is something suspicious, crosses his arms and turns around to his partner: "Roger, call the police!"
M: "Wait! I give you 500$ extra."
D: "Roger, call the police!"
M: "No, wait, man! I put 1000$ on top."
D: "Roger, now call the police already!"
M (angry): "Fine, if you don't want money, kiss my ass! Do whatever you want!"
D: "Roger, darling, stop! I think he wants to bargain!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dobwp7/a_man_is_on_his_way_home_after_a_business_meeting/
%
I'm starting a discount amputation clinic.

I'm calling it Half Off For Half Off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dobwgm/im_starting_a_discount_amputation_clinic/
%
I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dobv5s/i_met_the_man_who_invented_the_part_of_a_map_that/
%
I can't remember how to write 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I'm *LIVID*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dobs34/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_51_6_and_500_in/
%
Science created skyscraper and planes.

Religion brought them together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dobp2f/science_created_skyscraper_and_planes/
%
A guy goes to his doctor and says, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never breaks. How is it possible? Let me tell you a story, the doctor says...

There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion. It died.
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion. Doctor: Good. You understood the story. Next patient please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dobndf/a_guy_goes_to_his_doctor_and_says_my_girlfriend/
%
What happens when you die?

Lots of stuff! It just doesn't involve you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doblix/what_happens_when_you_die/
%
My favorite knock knock joke

"knock knock"
Who's there?
"Nine eleven"
Nine eleven who?
"You said you'd never forget"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dobh18/my_favorite_knock_knock_joke/
%
What are the scariest three words in the English language?

"Four more years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dobanm/what_are_the_scariest_three_words_in_the_english/
%
An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show

The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box.
He then says”Can you see me now?”
And they answer:
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dob9e4/an_englishmana_frenchmana_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
I like my women the same way I like my cheese

Fat free American singles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dob8j8/i_like_my_women_the_same_way_i_like_my_cheese/
%
My friend told me this one

A  boy goes to his grandma and asks,” gran , have you seen my pills , they’re labelled LSD?” The grandma replies,” fuck the pills what about the dragons in the kitchen !!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dob7mt/my_friend_told_me_this_one/
%
The bartender said “Sorry. We don’t serve time travelers.”

Two time travelers walk into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dob62t/the_bartender_said_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
%
Did you hear about the guy selling fake Happy Days memorabilia?

They’re charging him with a Fonzie Scheme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doak3i/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_selling_fake_happy/
%
I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom.

I'm pissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doajd2/i_accidentally_locked_myself_out_of_my_bathroom/
%
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep.

Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doa476/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_peacefully_like_my/
%
What does a duck and a tricycle have in common?

They both have handlebars except the duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doa479/what_does_a_duck_and_a_tricycle_have_in_common/
%
What’s Popeye’s favorite breakfast?

Egg-egg-egg-egg-egg-egg-egg-egg-egg-egg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/doa3yk/whats_popeyes_favorite_breakfast/
%
What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marx-Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do9yqg/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
I have some employee jokes.

But they just don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do9ymd/i_have_some_employee_jokes/
%
What happened to Cinderella when she got to the ball

She gagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do9wyv/what_happened_to_cinderella_when_she_got_to_the/
%
My 12 year old nephew told me this joke..

I have a green ball in my left hand and a green ball in my right hand.. What else do I have?
The hulk's dick in my mouth!
Cracked me up, he's really posh so was totally unexpected!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do9u47/my_12_year_old_nephew_told_me_this_joke/
%
I've bought an underwater craft in a bright green colour.

It's sublime!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do9tza/ive_bought_an_underwater_craft_in_a_bright_green/
%
I walked into my sister’s room and tripped on a bra....

.... it was a booby trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do9qks/i_walked_into_my_sisters_room_and_tripped_on_a_bra/
%
What's the difference between a drunk russian and a brit?

Nothing, they both drive on the wrong side of the road

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do9p25/whats_the_difference_between_a_drunk_russian_and/
%
A 15 year old boy....

was at the center of a Denver County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Denver Broncos, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do9mh4/a_15_year_old_boy/
%
The accident

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do9lqh/the_accident/
%
How do you cancel an appointment with a sperm bank?

Tell them you can't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do9iqr/how_do_you_cancel_an_appointment_with_a_sperm_bank/
%
Why did the almost blind man fall down the well?

He can't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do9emy/why_did_the_almost_blind_man_fall_down_the_well/
%
A joke that works best when told aloud: The chicken in the library.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian, and squawks: "Book!"
Once the librarian has gotten over the confusion of having a chicken in a library, she wonders whether or not the chicken actually wanted a book. She eventually figures that she might as well humour the chicken's request. If it doesn't know what it's asking for, it won't complain, so why not assume it does? She brings over a book, and as she suspected, the chicken grabs it with its beak and drags it out of the library.
The next day, to her surprise, there's a chicken again. It's the same one. It orders: "Book, book!" In equal parts amused and bewildered, the librarian complies with the request, giving it two books, which it drags out of the library as before. The same happens the next day. The chicken comes in and orders: "Book, book, book!" The librarian gives it three books, and it drags them off.
This continues, day by day, until the chicken is ordering dozens of books at a time. The librarian is confused and concerned - why is this chicken independently ordering books and not bringing them back? So she decides to close up for the day and follow the chicken to wherever it's going. She has to follow at a safe distance - which lengthens her journey considerably because, of course, a chicken dragging a bag of 25 books is going to be very slow-moving.
Eventually she tracks the chicken to a pond. Oh no, she thinks, the chicken is throwing the books into the pond. This is just like that goose. But no. The chicken calls, and a frog hops out of the water. The chicken presents the books to the frog, one by one...
and the frog says, each time: "Read-it. Read-it. Read-it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do98kh/a_joke_that_works_best_when_told_aloud_the/
%
What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water?

I just got laid by a chick and now I'm getting hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do96uq/what_did_the_egg_say_after_he_was_put_in_a_pot_of/
%
Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry?

Because calcium helps build trombones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do94sw/why_is_calcium_vital_in_the_brass_instrument/
%
A drunk man looking at his empty bottle of beers...

Drunk : ( picking up 1 empty bottle ) You're the reason my wife left me! ( then throws it on the wall )
Then he picks up another empty bottle.
Drunk : You're the reason my children left me! Then throws it against the wall!
Then he picks up another empty bottle.
Drunk : You're the reason i lost my house! Then throws it against the wall!
Then he picks up an unopened bottle of beer.
Drunk : There, There, it's alright , you have nothing to do with any of this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do8ore/a_drunk_man_looking_at_his_empty_bottle_of_beers/
%
Golf Joke...What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?

The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do8nqo/golf_jokewhat_do_you_call_the_part_of_the_body_in/
%
An old man tsks at his great-grandson playing Fortnite

"This is what you kids do for fun these days? Why back in my day, we'd go to the Moulin Rouge in Paris, fuck all the dancers, piss all over the bar, and leave without paying!"
He didn't think anything more of it until a month later when his great-grandson limped into his house on a pair of crutches. He had bruises all over his body and his right eye was swollen shut.
"Oh my dear sweet merciful heavens! What happened to you?"
"I did what you said, Great-Grandpa. I got some friends together and we flew to Paris. We went to the Moulin Rouge, fucked all the dancers, pissed all over the bar, and tried to leave without paying.
They beat the shit out of us and we all got deported."
"Well who did you go with?"
"Some Fortnite buddies. Why, who did you go with?"
"The SS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do8lu3/an_old_man_tsks_at_his_greatgrandson_playing/
%
Working at the Unemployment Office must be a fairly intense job.

Because if you get fired, you have to come in again the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do8ljv/working_at_the_unemployment_office_must_be_a/
%
A man tells his wife that one of the neighbors fucked all the women in the neighborhood except for one...

The wife replies:
“Must be that bitch Alice down the street”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do8ga2/a_man_tells_his_wife_that_one_of_the_neighbors/
%
Halloween fun!

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The bartender came over to take their orders. "And what would you, eh, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma."
The bartender wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do8clu/halloween_fun/
%
"Your diary is really good," said my wife.

"My thoughts exactly," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do8b45/your_diary_is_really_good_said_my_wife/
%
There are two types of people in this world

1) People that can extrapolate information from missing data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do840o/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Bob was riding a bike. Bob fell off the bike. Why did Bob fall off?

Someone threw a washing machine at him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do82z9/bob_was_riding_a_bike_bob_fell_off_the_bike_why/
%
So you’re taking up leatherworking?

That’s awesome! Just give it your awl!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do7uzl/so_youre_taking_up_leatherworking/
%
What is a politician's favourite musical instrument?

A Lyre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do7tet/what_is_a_politicians_favourite_musical_instrument/
%
Ma'am

Doctor: Sir...
Trans patient: It's Ma'am!
Doctor: Ma'am, you have testicular cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do7ruq/maam/
%
Little Johnny goes hunting (long)

One day little Johnny is walking down the street past the Old mans house carrying a roll of chicken wire.
The old man calls out from the rocking chair on his porch "What'ya got there boy?".
Little Johnny says back "I got me chicken wire! I'ma gonna catch me some chickens!".
The old man stammers back "You can't be catchin' chickens with chicken wire!" and shakes his head.
Little Johnny carries on walking, sure enough later that day he walks back past the house with a load of chickens trapped in the wire.
"I'll be! Sure is a strange boy!" the old man says to himself.
Next day, little Johnny walks past the house again this time carrying a roll of Duck tape.
"What'ya got there boy?!" calls out the old man.
"I got me duck tape! I'ma gonna catch me some ducks!" replies little Johnny.
"Your can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the old man hollers back.
Sure enough later that day little Johnny is walking back with a brace of ducks over his shoulder, all wrapped up in tape.
"I'll be! That sure is a strange boy!" the old man mutters to himself.
Next day little Johnny is walking down the street dragging a stick in the dirt.
"What you got that there stick for boy!?" calls out the old man.
"This ain't no ordinary stick!" says little Johnny. "This here is pussy willow!".
The old man jumps up and calls out "NOW YOU WAIT RIGHT THERE! I'LL GET MY COAT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do7py6/little_johnny_goes_hunting_long/
%
Why did they ask the turkey to join the band?

Because He had the drum sticks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do7mr6/why_did_they_ask_the_turkey_to_join_the_band/
%
A Brexit walks into a bar.

The barman says "Why the long farce?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do7kr4/a_brexit_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The circle is the most ridiculous shape in the world

There's absolutely no point to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do7jde/the_circle_is_the_most_ridiculous_shape_in_the/
%
I was going to make a joke about nihilism...

...but what’d be the point?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do7g95/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_nihilism/
%
Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

Well, you gotta hand it to her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do7exa/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_prostitute/
%
What did Californians use to light their homes back before they used candles?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do7es3/what_did_californians_use_to_light_their_homes/
%
"In a week, how many times do you have sex with your wife?" asked my marriage counsellor.

I said, "Almost every time..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do7cj8/in_a_week_how_many_times_do_you_have_sex_with/
%
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys

But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do79lx/my_wife_is_leaving_me_because_of_my_obsession/
%
A teacher asked Abdullah what comes after C.

He answered 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do78f8/a_teacher_asked_abdullah_what_comes_after_c/
%
The fear of ledges is stupid

Just get over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do77bz/the_fear_of_ledges_is_stupid/
%
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"

Me: "And?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do76s7/doctor_sir_im_afraid_your_dna_is_backwards/
%
German Girlfriend

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal.
She kept yelling 9.
That’s the best I’ve ever done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do74uk/german_girlfriend/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do71e4/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
I like you helping me in the kitchen, Kevin, but do you use drugs?

— No, mom, I swear!
— So, why you're cutting onions with the credit card?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do6ztm/i_like_you_helping_me_in_the_kitchen_kevin_but_do/
%
What do you call a Christian boy that can run faster than the priest?

A virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do6zoi/what_do_you_call_a_christian_boy_that_can_run/
%
Have you noticed

That Ireland is one sea away from Iceland?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do6sji/have_you_noticed/
%
I don’t want to sound racist....

...but everyone in the KKK looks the same to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do6qx1/i_dont_want_to_sound_racist/
%
A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest of Systems Engineers could design such a system.".
The Instrument Engineer, contends, "No, God must be an Instrument Engineer. In order to supply all that data to the System it needs a massively complex system of sensory inputs from the most intricate of detectors. The eyes alone are the most sophisticated sensing device ever created.".
The Structural Engineer argues, "No, of course God must be a Structural Engineer. All that signalling stuff is good but it doesn't do anything. The support system to react to those inputs is the key. The human skeleton is a marvel of complex connections, different types of joints, muscles, ligaments and tendons giving combinations of supports to allow each of them joint to move in different ways.".
The Process Engineer states, "You can't be serious. None of the physical parts work without constant maintenance. God must be a Process Engineer, the digestive and coronary systems take in all kinds of different foods and drinks, break them down to their constituent parts, distributes each of them to where they need to go, and then rebuilds them into a new chemical structure to do exactly what is needed.".
The Civil Engineer, quietly finishes his drink, smiles, and stands up to leave "You all make great points but God is obviously a Civil Engineer. Who else would run a sewage pipeline through a recreational area?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do6qsj/a_group_of_engineers_are_in_a_bar_and_the/
%
A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"
And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.
Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the back and saw the whole thing. He doesn't want any trouble, so he calls up a couple of friends, and together they take the big crucifix down and hide it. As an afterthought, the priest leaves a small desk crucifix in its place.
Sure enough, the drunk man comes back with his shotgun. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the tiny crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right in front of it, he leans over real close and says,
"Hey, kid, where's yer dad at?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do6q6f/a_drunk_man_staggers_into_an_empty_church_he/
%
What does a normal rooster say?

cock-a-doodle-doo!
what does a horny rooster say?
any-cock-will-do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do6hln/what_does_a_normal_rooster_say/
%
My dick is like the Titanic.

Not because it's big or hard, but because it's a bit sad at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do6gho/my_dick_is_like_the_titanic/
%
My mom always refused to tell me I was her favorite child, and insisted she didn't believe in choosing a favorite.

Which was really hurtful since I don't have any siblings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do6fsl/my_mom_always_refused_to_tell_me_i_was_her/
%
What gets harder the more you play with it?

A rubiks cube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do6ep5/what_gets_harder_the_more_you_play_with_it/
%
Why didn't Pluto organise his birthday party?

He couldn't planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do68u0/why_didnt_pluto_organise_his_birthday_party/
%
Mars: I’m wet.

NASA: I’m coming over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do5zxd/mars_im_wet/
%
Next time your homie is holding a grudge tell him:

You need to take a chillaxative & let that shit go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do5rft/next_time_your_homie_is_holding_a_grudge_tell_him/
%
A Welshman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub.

The Englishman was still in Japan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do5pvv/a_welshman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk_into_a/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do5mib/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
My friend took the gay test yesterday.

He passed with flying colours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do5ig0/my_friend_took_the_gay_test_yesterday/
%
Husband: Honey, our son was just arrested for arson.

Wife: Who was arrested for what?
Husband: Arson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do5h44/husband_honey_our_son_was_just_arrested_for_arson/
%
How to prevent World War III.

Make Gabe Newell the president of the USA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do5gbh/how_to_prevent_world_war_iii/
%
I saw a guy at Starbucks today

“I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do5e6a/i_saw_a_guy_at_starbucks_today/
%
My deaf girlfriend was going to break up with me

She didn’t really say anything. But the signs were all there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do599a/my_deaf_girlfriend_was_going_to_break_up_with_me/
%
There’s no way video games cause violence.

If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do56v0/theres_no_way_video_games_cause_violence/
%
My life is just like my dick.

Women make it hard for no reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do56dd/my_life_is_just_like_my_dick/
%
I heard Baghdadi had dandruff

They found his Head & Shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do52wp/i_heard_baghdadi_had_dandruff/
%
5 people are in a plane

The president of the USA. The pilot, the worlds smartest man, a grandfather and his grandson
There is a malfunction in the plane and everyone has to get out but, there are 4 parachutes and 5 people.
The pilot says, “ I’m the pilot, I should get to go.” So he takes a parachute and jumps out.
The worlds smartest man declares, “ I’m that smartest man, I need to teach others my knowledge.” He takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The president of the USA says, “ I’m the US president I deserve to live.” So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The grandfather tells his grandson, “ it’s ok, I’ve lived a long life now you go live yours.”
The grandson then quickly replies, “it’s ok grandpa, the smartest man took my school backpack!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do52e7/5_people_are_in_a_plane/
%
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.  After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.  He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.  He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.  At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.  The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.  To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!  Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do4i9o/recently_a_routine_police_patrol_was_parked/
%
Three vampires walk into a bar

"I'll have a vein blood, please," - says the first first vampire.
"I'll have an arterial blood, please," says the second vampire.
"I'll have some hot water, please," - says the third one.
His buddies are looking at him confused. "What, why?" they ask.
The third one, pulling a used tampon out of  his pocket: "I'll make myself some tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do4fmn/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do4eq9/scientists_have_grown_human_vocal_cords_in_a/
%
What did the person who invented the zero say before telling the world about it?

Well, here goes nothing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do4e1f/what_did_the_person_who_invented_the_zero_say/
%
A person at our local hospital was born with no eyelids...

So when they circumcised him they used the skin and grafted it in as eyelids.The only problem is he might come out a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do4086/a_person_at_our_local_hospital_was_born_with_no/
%
Matthew McConaughey does not like to take left turns...

He’s all right, all right, all right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do3xdn/matthew_mcconaughey_does_not_like_to_take_left/
%
Why can't Frankenstein have kids?

His nuts are on his neck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do3sby/why_cant_frankenstein_have_kids/
%
What do an Armadillo and Yoko Ono have in common?

They both live on dead beetles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do3oop/what_do_an_armadillo_and_yoko_ono_have_in_common/
%
What goes blonde brunette blonde brunette blonde?

Paris Hilton doing cartwheels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do3o5n/what_goes_blonde_brunette_blonde_brunette_blonde/
%
Two whales are sitting at a bar.

One whale says to the other one, “OooooOOOOeeeeeeEEEEEOoohhhhhh!  AAAAAHHHHHHRrrrrroooooooOOOOOOOeeeeeEEEE!!” [whale sounds]
The other whale looks at him and responds, “Go home, Frank. You’re drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do3klv/two_whales_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders five shots of tequila...

Bartender:  That's a lot of Tequila, is this a special occasion?
Guy:  Yes, I'm celebrating my first blowjob.
Bartender:  Well that is special!  I'll buy your next shot!
Guy:  No thanks, if five doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, one more wont help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do3iox/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_five_shots_of/
%
"Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses?"

"No son, have you seen my dad glasses?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do3dru/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
%
What is the difference between the Titanic and California?

When the Titanic sank the lights were still on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do3asl/what_is_the_difference_between_the_titanic_and/
%
A boy and his grandpa

One day a boy’s grandpa was watching TV and drinking a beer.
He sat down and asked if he could have some of the beer.
“Is your wiener long enough to touch your butthole?”
“Nope.”
“Then you’re too young to share my beer,” his grandpa chuckled
A couple of weeks later, the boy’s grandfather was smoking a a cigarette in the back yard. He pranced right up to him and asked to try a drag of the cigarette.
“Is your wiener long enough to touch your butthole?”
“Nope.”
“Then you’re not old enough to take a drag of my smoke.”
A month later, the boy ran into the living room with a plate of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. This time, his grandpa rushed into the living room and spoke to him.
“My! Those smell delicious! May I have one, please?”
His grandson suddenly adopted a smug demeanor.
“Well, Grandpa, can your wiener touch your butthole?”
“Why, as a matter of fact, it can!” The grandpa declared in a dignified manner.
“Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these for me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do375u/a_boy_and_his_grandpa/
%
I wondered why all the books about vampires were set in Europe or America but never Africa.

Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do2ymp/i_wondered_why_all_the_books_about_vampires_were/
%
I don't bother keeping track of how many girls I've slept with. I let my dick do that.

Cus it's the little things that count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do2sy3/i_dont_bother_keeping_track_of_how_many_girls_ive/
%
Why is premenstrual syndrome called PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do2oc6/why_is_premenstrual_syndrome_called_pms/
%
My pharmacy is having a liquidation sale.

Laxatives are 50% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do2lkk/my_pharmacy_is_having_a_liquidation_sale/
%
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?

He had gnocchi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do2dzo/why_couldnt_the_italian_man_get_into_his_house/
%
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game...

But it has a lot of Bugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do2dii/im_working_on_a_yosemite_sam_video_game/
%
My abusive father got drunk to the same song every night. I tried to shut it off before he could get started...

But he beat me to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do29yg/my_abusive_father_got_drunk_to_the_same_song/
%
What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, he wouldn't be able to open it anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do27rh/what_do_you_give_an_armless_child_for_christmas/
%
My kids were driving me nuts one day so I got some tranquilizers and sure enough, right on the bottle, it says:

Warning! Keep Away From Children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do27b2/my_kids_were_driving_me_nuts_one_day_so_i_got/
%
All my friends say that I’m the cheapest person they’ve ever met,

Well I’m not buying it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do23ff/all_my_friends_say_that_im_the_cheapest_person/
%
Genders are like the twin towers

Once there were two and now it's a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do1zvq/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
A beautiful girl is like a fine wine.

But you still can’t just lock her in the basement until she’s old enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do1zmg/a_beautiful_girl_is_like_a_fine_wine/
%
Cannibals have to be careful with hippies.

Because the steaks are high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do1v8m/cannibals_have_to_be_careful_with_hippies/
%
What is an emery board used on your toenails called?

A pedifile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do1v0w/what_is_an_emery_board_used_on_your_toenails/
%
A man walked into a bar and yelled, "shots for everyone!"

He is now in prison for 28 counts of murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do1isy/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_and_yelled_shots_for/
%
What did doctor do to treat a man’s invisibility?

He took him to the ICU
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do1hvr/what_did_doctor_do_to_treat_a_mans_invisibility/
%
Two midgets walk into a midget bar

After they sit down, the first midget asks the other,
“Is this joke going to be any good?”
The second midget replies,
“No, but that’s okay, the bar is pretty low”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do1ajn/two_midgets_walk_into_a_midget_bar/
%
Religion is like a dick

It's okay to have one, just don't ~~shove~~ Force it down people's throats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do1acx/religion_is_like_a_dick/
%
Why did the blind man fall down the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do19rf/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_down_the_well/
%
What’s black and rhymes with Dr. Dre?

Snoop Dogg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do10w1/whats_black_and_rhymes_with_dr_dre/
%
For women, having sex is like buying a mew car.

They ask basically the same questions:
-Is it loyal?
-Is it worth it?
-Is it good?
-Is it gonna kill me?
But for men it’s like finding a parking spot:
-It’s open, why not
-I have to pay? Nevermind I’m out
-It’s handicap? A quick one then I’m going out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do10g2/for_women_having_sex_is_like_buying_a_mew_car/
%
I met a girl today with a real banging body.

I mean it was a real racket she was making in my trunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do0zpu/i_met_a_girl_today_with_a_real_banging_body/
%
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

An orange parrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do0y8t/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do0wm1/is_your_refrigerator_running/
%
It’s the anniversary of my dear grandfather’s death, and I’ll never forget what he said to me right before he kicked the bucket.

He said,
“wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do0voy/its_the_anniversary_of_my_dear_grandfathers_death/
%
A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.

“I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."
The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to be giving a lecture at this time of night?"
"My wife", was his reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do0liw/a_man_is_stopped_by_the_police_at_midnight_and/
%
Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism

Because they're still alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do04di/vaccinated_kids_are_more_likely_to_have_autism/
%
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/do045s/i_went_to_the_zoo_yesterday_and_saw_a_baguette_in/
%
(OC) What’s the opposite of a shotgun wedding?

A coathanger divorce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnzzul/oc_whats_the_opposite_of_a_shotgun_wedding/
%
How is it that I'm the ugliest person here?

I'm home alone for christ's sake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnzyvj/how_is_it_that_im_the_ugliest_person_here/
%
Why does everyone make fun of the cripple kid?

Because he can't stand up for himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnzw0t/why_does_everyone_make_fun_of_the_cripple_kid/
%
What do you call a byte that likes children?

A petabyte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnzvqe/what_do_you_call_a_byte_that_likes_children/
%
I thought I was going crazy when I heard my laptop singing

It makes sense though since it’s a Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnzvkf/i_thought_i_was_going_crazy_when_i_heard_my/
%
What's the difference between Coors Light and having sex in a canoe?

Nothing. They're both fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnzscc/whats_the_difference_between_coors_light_and/
%
A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnzi51/a_programmers_wife_tells_him_as_he_leaves_the/
%
What do pedophile vampires do to relax?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnzhlz/what_do_pedophile_vampires_do_to_relax/
%
The lights in the Chinese restaurant were way too bright

So I told the server to dim sum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnzea4/the_lights_in_the_chinese_restaurant_were_way_too/
%
An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, "so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left". The teacher interrupts, "you see children, the Fokker was a German plane".

The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnz9jb/an_old_pilot_is_telling_some_schoolchildren_about/
%
TIL - as of 2019, Halloween has not fallen on Friday the 13th for the last 666 years

This is probably because Halloween is October 31st

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnz8h9/til_as_of_2019_halloween_has_not_fallen_on_friday/
%
A guy enters a Home Depot...

A guy enters a Home depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees. The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home.
The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!". The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option: this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!" The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one.
One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!". The employee apologizes: "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!". Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one.
One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut  down 200 trees a day!". The employee says "ok sir, let me have a look at the saw". So the employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole shop. The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks "What the fuck is that sound?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnz59d/a_guy_enters_a_home_depot/
%
An oldie, but a goodie.

A husband and wife are in the delivery room, she is going into labor and in intensive pain.
The doctor tells the husband they have a new piece of tech that can share the labor pains with the Father.
The husband is skeptical, but decides to do this to help his wife.  The device shares the pain in stages and they decide to start out at ten percent. The husband notices his wife is feeling better even though he hasn't noticed much himself.
Thinking labor pain isn't too bad and blown out of proportion he tells the doctor to turn the machine all the way up.
The wife now in almost zero pain deliverers their baby and they both go home the next day happy and healthy.
When the husband and wife get home they discover the mailman dead on the front steps.
This is an old joke I've heard years ago. Hope you enjoy. I am terrible at formatting.  If someone can fix this to be better delivered you have my blessing :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnz1fq/an_oldie_but_a_goodie/
%
California pick up line

I have electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnyyf1/california_pick_up_line/
%
My wife didn’t think I could name our daughter anything ridiculous

But I called her Bluff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnypy3/my_wife_didnt_think_i_could_name_our_daughter/
%
Why didnt the transgender squirrel survive winter?

It lost all of its nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dny291/why_didnt_the_transgender_squirrel_survive_winter/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you...

I'd start thinking about you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnxxrw/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_thought_of_you/
%
Forgetting your backpack while going to school is bad

But forgetting it while going skydiving is worse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnxw5a/forgetting_your_backpack_while_going_to_school_is/
%
I sexually identify as a vacuum cleaner

I mostly get pushed around by women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnxqg3/i_sexually_identify_as_a_vacuum_cleaner/
%
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of turkey on her right inner thigh

After that she asks for a Christmas tree on her left.  The tattoo artist asks her what the point is so she replies
"My husband complains there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnxl2q/a_woman_walks_into_a_tattoo_parlor_and_asks_for_a/
%
Why was the duck arrested?

Cuz it was selling Quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnx6xk/why_was_the_duck_arrested/
%
A Buddhist Monk walks into a pizza shack.

He says, “make me one with everything .”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnx1jh/a_buddhist_monk_walks_into_a_pizza_shack/
%
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnwx00/i_went_to_the_doctors_recently_he_said_dont_eat/
%
My lesbian cookbook didn’t sell many copies.

Turns out most of them prefer eating out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnwwoh/my_lesbian_cookbook_didnt_sell_many_copies/
%
What is this? A noose?

No, I think knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnwva6/what_is_this_a_noose/
%
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my hispanic friends

It means a lot to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnwrkx/i_have_been_saying_mucho_more_often_while_talking/
%
Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually still fits!!!

So proud of myself.
It was a scarf. But still let's be positive here!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnwldj/yesterday_i_wore_something_from_5_years_ago_and/
%
Two aliens are talking to each other in space.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnwht6/two_aliens_are_talking_to_each_other_in_space/
%
What do we want ? rights for midgets

when do we want them ?
shortly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnw8zi/what_do_we_want_rights_for_midgets/
%
I was disappointed I had to pay for my satellite installation

the guy had promised me it would be on the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnw298/i_was_disappointed_i_had_to_pay_for_my_satellite/
%
What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a baby?

a bowling ball doesn’t scream when its rolled down the aisle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnvzpd/whats_the_difference_between_a_bowling_ball_and_a/
%
I once ate a clock...

...it was very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnvlul/i_once_ate_a_clock/
%
Wouldn't it be cool if when Thanos snapped half of the audience dissapeared.

Too bad only DC movies can do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnvjr9/wouldnt_it_be_cool_if_when_thanos_snapped_half_of/
%
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son's bedroom.

Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him.
Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnvi3o/a_mom_was_cleaning_her_twelveyearold_sons_bedroom/
%
Who are the highest paid generals in the military?

General Motors, General Electric and General Dynamics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnvf11/who_are_the_highest_paid_generals_in_the_military/
%
I got my brother a trampoline for his birthday

He just sat there, and cried in his wheelchair, like the ungrateful person he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnvbjw/i_got_my_brother_a_trampoline_for_his_birthday/
%
Why is the KKK against triathlons?

They don't believe in the mixing of races.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnv4g3/why_is_the_kkk_against_triathlons/
%
What do you call an obese emo teenager

An edgelard.
Alternatively, names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnv2o8/what_do_you_call_an_obese_emo_teenager/
%
A woman goes to the senior center to visit their father who has Alzheimer’s

She sees him sitting at a table by himself, staring vacantly out of a window. She approaches him, hoping longingly that maybe this time he’ll remember her.
She sits down across from him and asks “How are you today?”
His face lights up and he says “Actually I’m feeling great! How are you?”
The woman, excited at his apparent lucidity, replies “Great, thanks! So do you remember who I am? Do you know my name?”
The old man, smile fading, replies “Hmmm... no... no sorry...”
The woman deflates, gets up and heads for the exit, when the old man stands up as she’s leaving and excitedly shouts “Wait!” The daughter turns around with fresh hope. “Yes?!” She asks.
The old man, with a grin from ear to ear, shouts “The staff can tell you who you are! They have a list of everyone’s names!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnurdl/a_woman_goes_to_the_senior_center_to_visit_their/
%
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?

A maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnupfy/what_do_you_call_a_bee_trying_to_make_up_its_mind/
%
Ever wonder why there are no pharmacies in Africa?

becuase you can't take a pill on an empty stomach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnu58c/ever_wonder_why_there_are_no_pharmacies_in_africa/
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What do you go if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dntxgv/what_do_you_go_if_you_come_across_a_tiger_in_the/
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Two old ladies...

are sitting on a park bench. A guy comes up wearing nothing but a long coat. Suddenly he opens the coat and flashes them. One old lady had a stroke, the other? Eh... she couldn't really reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnttek/two_old_ladies/
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Why is EA the worst game company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dntmxg/why_is_ea_the_worst_game_company_in_america/
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What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dntm6c/what_did_the_redditor_say_when_he_won_the_olympics/
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What's it called when you beat up a rock

Bassalt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dntlal/whats_it_called_when_you_beat_up_a_rock/
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After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils. They dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dntkui/after_you_die_what_part_of_your_body_is_the_last/
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A guy was trying to find a parking space at a baseball game

and he was already missing the first inning, so he prayed to God and said "If you find a parking space for me I promise I'll never miss church again." Just then a car pulled out of a space right in front of him, and the guy said "Never mind, I just found one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dntk3i/a_guy_was_trying_to_find_a_parking_space_at_a/
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Did you here about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dntbh6/did_you_here_about_the_mathematician_who_is/
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My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once

We had sex afterwards even though she lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dntasf/my_girlfriend_and_i_played_russian_roulette_once/
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As I walked into my library, a book fell on my head.

I only blame my shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnt3yb/as_i_walked_into_my_library_a_book_fell_on_my_head/
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What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One's pretty heavy, and the other one's a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnt0vv/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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What do you call group of 8 rabbits?

Rabbytes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnt0sg/what_do_you_call_group_of_8_rabbits/
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You know Orion's Belt? Waist of space.

I know, I know, not a great joke  Three stars.
Thanks to @mindofmarisa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnsziv/you_know_orions_belt_waist_of_space/
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What are terminators called when they retire?

Exterminators

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnsytn/what_are_terminators_called_when_they_retire/
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A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she had ever felt

I told her she was just pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnsslv/a_blind_prostitute_told_me_i_had_the_biggest_dick/
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How did the pharoah get so rich in the staircase business?

He was running a stepped pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnssii/how_did_the_pharoah_get_so_rich_in_the_staircase/
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Lego box said 5-12 years

I got it done in 2 weeks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnsqnv/lego_box_said_512_years/
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There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped.
“Except what?" the man asked.
“Nothing, nothing."
“C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
“So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick.
She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnsosv/there_was_this_businessman_who_was_getting_ready/
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I went to my gym last week and I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in!

Anyway, she made a formal complaint and I’m banned for life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnso87/i_went_to_my_gym_last_week_and_i_noticed_a_hole/
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said “son, that’s three schools this year...

...maybe teaching isn’t for you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnsnav/my_son_was_thrown_out_of_school_today_for_letting/
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I would tell a joke about global warming

But it's just not cool enough to say

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnsk9t/i_would_tell_a_joke_about_global_warming/
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What is the tallest building in the world?

The library. Because it has so many stories

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnsk4a/what_is_the_tallest_building_in_the_world/
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My wife accused me of mansplaining the little details

So I had to put it in broad terms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnshja/my_wife_accused_me_of_mansplaining_the_little/
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[On a date] Him: Do you enjoy having sex?

Her: I like it infrequently.
Him: Ok. Is that one word or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnse6i/on_a_date_him_do_you_enjoy_having_sex/
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“The 40 yard dash,” answered Timmy. “100 meters,” said Becky. “Blacks,” said Billy.

Coach’s face fell to the floor. “That’s not what I meant when I asked what race makes you most nervous.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnsde2/the_40_yard_dash_answered_timmy_100_meters_said/
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My friend is a bread addict

He kneads the dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnsd3p/my_friend_is_a_bread_addict/
%
My friend and I just saw two blind people fighting

My friend: Which one do you think will win?
Me: I think it will be the one with the knife.
They both ran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnscqz/my_friend_and_i_just_saw_two_blind_people_fighting/
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Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia?

Because it's the destruction of government property.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnsc6q/why_cant_you_commit_suicide_in_soviet_russia/
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To all the ladies that turned me down

Man you dodged a bullet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnsamg/to_all_the_ladies_that_turned_me_down/
%
My husband and I both lost our jobs.

We were desperate for a way to make money so I brought up the idea of being a prostitute. He was ok with it as long as he was able to be close by for safety.
I was on the street corner when a car pulled up and a man asked what it would cost to fuck? I had no idea so I excused myself and ran over to the car my husband was in and asked what I should charge. He said, $200. I went back and told my customer and he said oh, how much for a blowjob then? I once again ran over to my husbands car and asked him, he said, $50.
When I told my customer $50, he agreed. I jumped in his car and he proceeded to pull out the most beautiful well endowed penis I've ever seen. I asked him to hold on for a second and jumped out of the car to talk to my husband.
I asked him, can we loan him $150?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dns65t/my_husband_and_i_both_lost_our_jobs/
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Did you know Davey Crockett had three ears....

His left ear, his right ear and his wild frontier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dns1ln/did_you_know_davey_crockett_had_three_ears/
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Pregnant wife: What name should we name it if it’s a boy?

Me: Herbert
Wife: but what if it’s a girl?
Me: Sherbert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dns09i/pregnant_wife_what_name_should_we_name_it_if_its/
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What is Politics?

Little Johnny asked his father:
\- Dad, what is politics?
\- I cannot explain it to you very well, but I'll try. Because I'm the one who brings money home, I am the Capitalism. Your mother, because she's the one who spends the money, is the Government. Because your mother and I take care of you, you are the People. The maid is the Working Class and your baby brother is the Future. Understood it?
\- No, I guess I have to think for some time.
At night, Johnny heard the baby's cry and woke up. He went to his parents' room to see what was going on. The baby had pooped its diaper. When he looked at his parents' bed, he saw his mother having a deep sleep alone. Then, he went to the maid's room. He looked at the bed and saw the maid having 69 with his father.
The next day, Johnny told his father:
\- Dad, I think now I know what is politics!
\- Really? Explain me a little bit about it.
\- Well, while the Capitalism f\*\*ks the Working Class, the Government sleeps deeply, the People are totally ignored and the Future is all sh\*t!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnrydy/what_is_politics/
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How did the millionaire gardener get rich so quick?

He was running a huge pansy scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnrt26/how_did_the_millionaire_gardener_get_rich_so_quick/
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My drug test came back negative.

My dealer has some explaining to do...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnrlye/my_drug_test_came_back_negative/
%
I once swallowed a dictionary

It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnrl5u/i_once_swallowed_a_dictionary/
%
What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students?

I’m only going to demonstrate this once, so look closely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnrefe/what_did_the_kamikaze_pilot_tell_his_students/
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A priest and a nun decide to play basketball together...

They walk towards the basketball field and start a free shots challenge.
The nun shoots the ball and scores a point.
It's the priest's turn: he shoots the ball but misses the basket. Being angry he shouts "fucking God, I missed it".
The nun is astonished and says "Sir, please you mustn't insult the Almighty, you know it's an unforgivable sin!"
The priest apologizes and says it won't happen again.
The nun shoots the ball again and again she scores a point.
It's the priest's turn: he shoots the ball but misses the basket again. He is now really angry and yells "fucking God, I missed it".
The nun is upset and says "Sir, if you'll insult God another time, He will fire a lighting bolt and kill you!"
The priest apologizes and says it won't happen again.
The nun proceeds to shoot the ball and for the third time in a row she scores a point.
It's the priest's turn: he shoots the ball but misses the basket again. He is now pissed off and yells "fucking God, you fucking fucker, I missed it again!!"
In that precise moment, the weather becomes suddenly cloudy. A lighting bolt is fired from the sky and strikes the nun who dies instantly.
A deep and loud voice echoes everywhere "fucking God, I missed him!!"
I'm sorry for the bad English, it's not my native language :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnrduw/a_priest_and_a_nun_decide_to_play_basketball/
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What rhymes with orange

No it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnrb2p/what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
What sort of bees make milk?

Boobies!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnr71q/what_sort_of_bees_make_milk/
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A joke for Halloween: why are vampires so easy to fool?

Because they're suckers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnr5m4/a_joke_for_halloween_why_are_vampires_so_easy_to/
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Why did the man named his dogs 'Rolex' and 'Timex'?

Because they were watch dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnr57h/why_did_the_man_named_his_dogs_rolex_and_timex/
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C, Eb, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnr0iv/c_eb_and_g_walk_into_a_bar/
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A Soviet citizen, a Texan and an Australian walk in to a bar

The Texan stands up on his barstool and shoots the cap of his beer and says “my name is bill, buffalo bill”
Then the Australian stands up and throws a boomerang around the room before knocking the cap of his beer and saying “ my name is bill, boomerang bill”
Then the Soviet sits for a while thinking about how he can top what they just did. So after awhile he stands up and pulls down his pants and showing his two dicks and saying “my name is bill, Chernobill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnr0cx/a_soviet_citizen_a_texan_and_an_australian_walk/
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Why are priests always doing service in the community?

Because of their religious convictions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnqwjk/why_are_priests_always_doing_service_in_the/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnqvq9/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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I've just finished a book about reverse psychology.

Don't read it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnqtoa/ive_just_finished_a_book_about_reverse_psychology/
%
What do you call the employees at a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnqmyy/what_do_you_call_the_employees_at_a_samsung_store/
%
What is the difference between a street vendor and a Dachshund dog?

One bawls out his wares on the street.
The other wears out his balls on the street.
(I didn’t want to put the second part of the answer up but I figured I’d have to explain the joke if I didn’t- LOL)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnqk2s/what_is_the_difference_between_a_street_vendor/
%
DUDE!! I went to the gas station to get a Pepsi

and as I walk up, I noticed these 2 Policemen watching a woman smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid and crazy, especially with the Policemen standing RIGHT there. Anyway, I minded my own business and went and picked up my Pepsi. As I was paying I heard someone screaming!! Man, I’m talking violent death screams!! I looked up and saw the woman's arm was on fire!! She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!! When I got my soda and walked out to my car the Policemen had the woman on the ground putting the fire out!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the patrol car.... I was thinking, arrested?? Well being the person that I am, I was thinking, “shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a patrol car?” Being the nosey person I am, I asked the Policeman what they were arresting her for.... The Policeman looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM IN PUBLIC!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnqgu8/dude_i_went_to_the_gas_station_to_get_a_pepsi/
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John is going to be married to a woman he had loved so much

On their honeymoon the woman said "I'm sorry I kept this a secret but I was Christian before" John then said "Whatever your religion is, I don't care as long as I love you" the woman then explained "No, my name is Christian before, now I'm Christine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnqepg/john_is_going_to_be_married_to_a_woman_he_had/
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Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?

**me:** Herbert
**pregnant wife:** but what if it’s a b-
**me:** Himbert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnqd19/pregnant_wife_what_should_we_call_it_if_its_a_girl/
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I’m glad companies give us the choice of gluten-free body wash.

Normal soap makes my stomach hurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnqa6q/im_glad_companies_give_us_the_choice_of/
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Did you hear about the hungry clock?

It went back 4 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnpxjz/did_you_hear_about_the_hungry_clock/
%
Life is like a dick

it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnprw5/life_is_like_a_dick/
%
Jimmy wrote a letter to Santa

,
"Dear Santa, this Christmas I want a baby brother."
Santa replied,
"Send me your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnpow2/jimmy_wrote_a_letter_to_santa/
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Regular naps prevent old age,

especially if you take them while driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnpn00/regular_naps_prevent_old_age/
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnpixx/there_was_a_man_who_entered_a_local_papers_pun/
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I finally talked to my ex again after she ran off, and now I know where she's been.

Apparently she's been in Austin.
I wouldn't have pegged Austin as that kind of person, but apparently she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnpgz4/i_finally_talked_to_my_ex_again_after_she_ran_off/
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A man buys a lie detector robot

That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner.
“Where were you during school hours?” He asks.
“At school!” His son replies.
The robot slaps the boy.
“Ok I was at my friends house....” His son says.
“What were you doing there?
“Reading comics!”
The robot slaps the son again.
“Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie...”
“What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims.
The robot quickly slaps him.
His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“
The robot slaps the wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnpdd6/a_man_buys_a_lie_detector_robot/
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Two Aussie chess players are finishing lunch. One makes a move for the waiter..

"Check, mate?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnp4vc/two_aussie_chess_players_are_finishing_lunch_one/
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Roses are red, violets are green..

If you were on acid, you would know what I mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnp1m0/roses_are_red_violets_are_green/
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I have some jokes about unemployed people,

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnoim9/i_have_some_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
Dad, why are there so many Chuck Norris jokes but no Bruce Lee jokes?

Dad: Because son, Bruce Lee was no joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnoi84/dad_why_are_there_so_many_chuck_norris_jokes_but/
%
A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnodx9/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.

She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnocwh/my_wife_said_this_sub_is_nothing_but_the_same/
%
Why did the former leader of Cuba only sleep with Muslim men?

He liked hearing them say "In Fidel! In Fidel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dno8l4/why_did_the_former_leader_of_cuba_only_sleep_with/
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What worse than a lobster on your piano?

Crabs on your organ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dno5ug/what_worse_than_a_lobster_on_your_piano/
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The leader of ISIS is dead

It is now WASWAS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dno29l/the_leader_of_isis_is_dead/
%
Otherwise



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dno0yf/otherwise/
%
My girlfriend told me to kiss her where it smells funny...

So I took her to New Jersey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnnydi/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_kiss_her_where_it_smells/
%
Hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there's a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnnx6r/hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnnwzn/a_senior_citizen_drove_his_brand_new_corvette/
%
Why can't homosexuals tell jokes

Cuz they can't keep a straight face
Btw I'm not trying to target homos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnnrwj/why_cant_homosexuals_tell_jokes/
%
Some say Satan owns a roller coaster.

I hear its one hell of a ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnnpvt/some_say_satan_owns_a_roller_coaster/
%
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with.

She said yes. All the others were 9s and 10s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnnp36/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_she_had/
%
My lesbian friend got me a Rolex for my birthday.

It's really nice, but not what I meant when I said "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnnmrt/my_lesbian_friend_got_me_a_rolex_for_my_birthday/
%
What's the difference between California and the Titanic?

The Titanic had its lights ON when it went down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnnkzh/whats_the_difference_between_california_and_the/
%
If there’s one thing I absolutely can’t stand

it’s a unicycle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnnjyr/if_theres_one_thing_i_absolutely_cant_stand/
%
A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."
She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!"
He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnne5f/a_man_goes_into_a_brothel/
%
A man goes to a psychic

Psychic: "You seem lost, how can I help you?
Man: "I was told you can contact the dead?"
Psychic: "I do have that gift, if the deceased is open to it."
Man: "I lost my father recently and I would like to speak to him if possible."
The psychic performs her ritual and starts speaking in a man's voice
Psychic with male voice: "Hello son."
Man: "Dad, you went so suddenly, there is so much I wanted to tell you. How are you? How is it where you are?"
Psychic with male voice: "Oh son, it's wonderful. Every morning I wake up and have a little breakfast, then I have sex, then I take a nap, then I have lunch, then I have sex, then I take a little nap, then I have dinner, have sex and go to bed. Every day is like this. It's wonderful. "
Man: "Oh, dad, I am so happy, you  made, you are in heaven."
Psychic with male voice: "Heaven? What heaven? I am a bull in Montana."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnndcw/a_man_goes_to_a_psychic/
%
When you have sex with your cousin on Halloween. . .

You pumpkin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnn6rs/when_you_have_sex_with_your_cousin_on_halloween/
%
Why aren't there many jokes about Jonestown?

The *punchlines* are so long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnn0wv/why_arent_there_many_jokes_about_jonestown/
%
Have you ever thought of an awesome joke but had to race the final 1% of your battery to post it?

Back when I had an Android I sure did but look at me now, my iPhone still has 27% lef........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnmyxm/have_you_ever_thought_of_an_awesome_joke_but_had/
%
A snail crawls into a Tesla dealership...

A salesman asks how he can help.  The snail says, "I want a Model S."
The salesman scoffs and says, "You're a *snail.*  Why would you want a Tesla Model S?"
The snail sadly replies, "Nobody ever pays attention or even notices me.  I can't seem to make friends or meet girls.  I figure if they see me speeding by in my Tesla, they'll finally say, "Wow!  Look at that S car go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnmwry/a_snail_crawls_into_a_tesla_dealership/
%
A US Army General was visiting a base in Bulgaria

His tour of the base brought him into the infirmary, where a US soldier was lying in a bed in really bad shape. In the next bed, there was a Russian soldier in similar shape. Afraid that this might lead to an incident, the General asked the US soldier to tell him what happened.
“Well, sir,” began the soldier. “I was on leave for the weekend and went into town to see what there was to do for fun. I ran into a Russian soldier, also on leave. He said, “Donald Trump is a son of a bitch!”
“What did you do?” asked the General, growing increasingly alarmed.
The soldier replied, “I said, ‘Well, Vladimir Putin is a son of a bitch!’”
“Is that when the fight broke out?” asked the General.
“No, sir,” the soldier said. “We were standing in the middle of the street shaking hands and a truck ran over us.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnmsa3/a_us_army_general_was_visiting_a_base_in_bulgaria/
%
When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.
Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several  years ago.  https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.
http://www.superjokes.net/10511

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnmei0/when_i_see_lovers_nαmes_cαrved_in_α_tree_i_dont/
%
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar.

Gimli laughs and walks under it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnm83u/aragorn_and_legolas_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams.
Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnm773/little_johnny_wakes_up_one_night_hearing_noises/
%
My poor friend lost both his arms...

...I feel for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnm265/my_poor_friend_lost_both_his_arms/
%
Donald J Trump

Says Trump: " The J stands for genius."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnly2g/donald_j_trump/
%
I was sitting on the couch when my mom came up to me and started rubbing me with an eraser...

I asked her what she was doing and she replied, "Well, aren't erasers for mistakes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnlswx/i_was_sitting_on_the_couch_when_my_mom_came_up_to/
%
Did you know they don't have dad jokes in Egypt?

They are called mummy jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnlq4x/did_you_know_they_dont_have_dad_jokes_in_egypt/
%
My wife told me she was leaving me

because of my obsession with pretending to be a  cashier
"Do you need any help packing your bags?" I asked her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnlpdl/my_wife_told_me_she_was_leaving_me/
%
Bad Idea #1

Waterproof Towels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnlmx2/bad_idea_1/
%
I like to bring broken families together

I usually reunite orphans with their parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnlg1d/i_like_to_bring_broken_families_together/
%
I once asked my girlfriend “How do you feel about condoms?”

She replied "Depends on what's in it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnld4e/i_once_asked_my_girlfriend_how_do_you_feel_about/
%
How is a tornado like a redneck divorce?

You just know someone is gonna lose a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnla92/how_is_a_tornado_like_a_redneck_divorce/
%
What did the buffalo say to his boy before going to work?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnl72r/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_boy_before_going/
%
I told my teenage daughter “There are two words you need to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross’.”

“Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnl6qb/i_told_my_teenage_daughter_there_are_two_words/
%
My asshole neighbor came and rang my doorbell at 3am this morning....

Luckily I was still up playing  my drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnkwmj/my_asshole_neighbor_came_and_rang_my_doorbell_at/
%
My friend said he was a player.

We lived in a small town and he said that he had banged every single chick except his mom and sister. I told him between the 2 of us, we got em all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnkpns/my_friend_said_he_was_a_player/
%
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?

Señor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnk2yx/what_do_you_call_an_elderly_spanish_man/
%
Broken YoYos for sale

No strings attached!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnjzjp/broken_yoyos_for_sale/
%
What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, he wouldn’t be able to open it anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnjvgi/what_do_you_give_an_armless_child_for_christmas/
%
Why was the antivaxxer's 4-year old child crying?

Mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnjrpx/why_was_the_antivaxxers_4year_old_child_crying/
%
Wood fired pizza

How will pizza get a job now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnjpqp/wood_fired_pizza/
%
I found a nice and clean public toilet

Unfortunately, it had a sign saying 'Please leave this toilet as you would expect to find it', so I had to shove a load of paper down the bowl and break the door lock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnjm1g/i_found_a_nice_and_clean_public_toilet/
%
I ate a lot of dinner.

Or, as the Spanish say, mucho dinero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnjgmd/i_ate_a_lot_of_dinner/
%
I got detention once

because my teacher said "we're watching a documentary on drugs" and I said "cool, and what's the documentary about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnja6l/i_got_detention_once/
%
Have you heard about the movie "Constipation"?

It hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnj3k3/have_you_heard_about_the_movie_constipation/
%
Hoy many beans should you put in your delicious fall chili?

239.
Any more would be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dniyt0/hoy_many_beans_should_you_put_in_your_delicious/
%
Yoda must be the worst car guide ever.

Master Yoda, are we in the right direction?
Off course, we are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dniyi5/yoda_must_be_the_worst_car_guide_ever/
%
I’ve never understood the stereotype that Asian people are good at math,

so I decided to test it out.
I went up to at least 100 different people in China and asked them a couple of math questions
The first was “What is 109 squared?”. Around 68% of them answered correctly, which I was shocked about.
Then I asked “If 2 lengths of a triangle are 37 and 29.5 then what is the other length?” Again, to my surprise, 73% answered correctly.
So I kept on asking and asking with some consistent results.
Running out of ideas I decided to do an easier question.”If 10 people are standing in a quadrilateral and half of them walked out, how many people are still in there?”
Unexpectedly everybody didn’t answer, in fact nobody even attempted, just straight up denied they knew the answer to this one simple question. This was defiantly a big surprise because even some 6 year olds could work that one out.
So in conclusion it seems that Asian people can be good at math, but refuse to recognise the Ten Men Square Problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnivhf/ive_never_understood_the_stereotype_that_asian/
%
What does a mathematician do to remedy his constipation?

He works it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnis5d/what_does_a_mathematician_do_to_remedy_his/
%
The U.S. just passed the student loan forgiveness act!

We're now required to forgive the government for our student loan debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnijsm/the_us_just_passed_the_student_loan_forgiveness/
%
Why is Cinderella so bad at basketball?

Her coach is a pumpkin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnij9x/why_is_cinderella_so_bad_at_basketball/
%
I went to a party today

The DJ played Macarena. So I did the Macarena.
Then he played YMCA. So I did the Y M C A
Then he played Come On Eileen. So I was asked to leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dniai6/i_went_to_a_party_today/
%
Two young brothers decide they're old enough to start cussing.

They decided that they could say "damn" and "ass". The next morning, their mom asked what what they wanted for breakfast.
7 year-old: I want  some damn cheerios.
His mom gets mad, spanks him, and sends him to his room. When she was finished, she asked the other what he wanted.
5 year-old: I don't know, but you bet your sweet ass i don't want cheerios!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dni9ht/two_young_brothers_decide_theyre_old_enough_to/
%
Best pickup line:

Me: Can I smell your pussy?
Girl: no
Me: oh, it must be your feet then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dni82z/best_pickup_line/
%
A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up
(Repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dni6sh/a_lot_of_people_are_pretty_upset_about_fat/
%
Dad: Son, you're adopted

Son: Wow, you have bad taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dni3f8/dad_son_youre_adopted/
%
I saw on the news that a truck carrying almonds collided with another truck carrying glitter.

Apparently the road was covered with with almonds and glitter.
And I thought, "That's pretty nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnhzkz/i_saw_on_the_news_that_a_truck_carrying_almonds/
%
My wife left me because I'm an crossdresser with no sense of direction...

So I packed up her things and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnhub3/my_wife_left_me_because_im_an_crossdresser_with/
%
Wife: "Honey, I think I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "Nevermind, I know I'm pregnant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnhtq1/wife_honey_i_think_im_pregnant/
%
A man walks into a bar with his dog.

He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!"
Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent.
"Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The noble dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettors the agreed upon sum and leaves the bar. Outside, the guy says to the dog,
"You set me up, you stupid mutt! Do you even know how much cash I lost because of you?"
"Nonsense," says the dog. "Just imagine how much money we'll make off of these suckers tomorrow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnhs7a/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_dog/
%
Scientists say cigarettes can harm your children.

Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnhi86/scientists_say_cigarettes_can_harm_your_children/
%
Epileptic nymphomaniacs...

... shouldn't own clap on lights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnhb8s/epileptic_nymphomaniacs/
%
All the organs of the body were having a meeting trying to decide who the one in charge was.

“I should be in charge,” said the brain, “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.” “I should be in charge,” said the blood, “Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.” “I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food and give all of you energy.” “I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.” “I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.” “I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.”
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache. The stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work, the ass hole is usually in charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnh3ok/all_the_organs_of_the_body_were_having_a_meeting/
%
Bullying

\- I am here at the school because my daughter is being bullied.
\- Who is your daughter?
\- That chubby one that looks like a capybara, seating in the back of the class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnh3nf/bullying/
%
"I'm three!" yelled my son as he held up three fingers.

"Son, I need you to tell me where you found those fingers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dngw7y/im_three_yelled_my_son_as_he_held_up_three_fingers/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last as long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnguim/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dngscz/my_wife_packed_my_bags_and_kicked_me_out_of_the/
%
What's the one good thing about being a depressed procrastinator?

You'll always put off killing yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dngj07/whats_the_one_good_thing_about_being_a_depressed/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man ?

Boi you really gonna breathe through that small thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dngih5/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
%
Dude, somebody broke on and stole our mayonnaise.

What, the hellmann?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dng7m8/dude_somebody_broke_on_and_stole_our_mayonnaise/
%
I really don't trust acupuncturists

They're all back stabbers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dng6ni/i_really_dont_trust_acupuncturists/
%
It’s hard to find a funny chemistry joke any more.

All the best Argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dng647/its_hard_to_find_a_funny_chemistry_joke_any_more/
%
Little Johnny was caught smoking in his bedroom closet...

"That's it!" his father says. "You're gonna sit here and smoke every single one of those cigarettes in this pack!"
"But dad-"
"No buts! You wanna smoke, you're gonna smoke until you puke!"
"But dad!"
"You're gonna smoke until your so sick of it you don't even wanna look at another smoke as long as you live!"
"BUT DAD!!!"
"WHAT!!?"
"Last night, Suzy was having sex with one of the guys from the football team!"
"Oh REALLY!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dng2ub/little_johnny_was_caught_smoking_in_his_bedroom/
%
My girlfriend is the square root of -100

A solid 10 but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dng0gh/my_girlfriend_is_the_square_root_of_100/
%
Why did the Tank Man cross the road?

What Tank Man? Who's that? Nothing happened in Tiananmen Square.
*this post has been deleted for offending our overlords*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnfsat/why_did_the_tank_man_cross_the_road/
%
A man is lying in bed with his wife. His wife turns and says...

...hey if you can’t be honest I’m getting up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnfk9f/a_man_is_lying_in_bed_with_his_wife_his_wife/
%
I just got diagnosed as colorblind.

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnfhwf/i_just_got_diagnosed_as_colorblind/
%
A blind guy walks into a bar

"Ow," he said, then went around it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnfhty/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all this money?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnff6u/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_didnt/
%
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.

In the end, he came around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnfe3p/my_flatearther_friend_decided_to_walk_to_the_end/
%
A long lost friend came back to me weighting 100 more pounds

I said wow you look more energic!
He askes why
I explained E=MC²
He's "Physicaly" more "attractive"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnfd1x/a_long_lost_friend_came_back_to_me_weighting_100/
%
I don't always eat breakfast in the morning.

But when I do, I eat dos eggies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnfa8y/i_dont_always_eat_breakfast_in_the_morning/
%
A bear walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "I'll have a .................. beer."
The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear holds up his arms and lets out a mighty roar before ripping the man to shreds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnf8xz/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call Batman the morning after a big fight?

Bruised Wayne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnf4z5/what_do_you_call_batman_the_morning_after_a_big/
%
It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow

If you find it, you go to prism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnf4wt/its_illegal_to_reach_the_end_of_a_rainbow/
%
I love these balls, they squirt in my mouth.

These bagel bites are so good.
-credit to my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnf4l8/i_love_these_balls_they_squirt_in_my_mouth/
%
What do a dog and a near sighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dneuw8/what_do_a_dog_and_a_near_sighted_gynecologist/
%
My Wife

My wife sent me a text that said, "Your great!"
So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great!"
She has been walking around all day happy and smiling.
Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or just leave it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnesfm/my_wife/
%
9/11 Jokes aren't funny.

But the other 2 are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnepv0/911_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dneb82/did_you_know_its_illegal_to_water_your_plants_in/
%
I got my penis stuck in my zipper today

That's the last time I wear zip up boots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dneb2t/i_got_my_penis_stuck_in_my_zipper_today/
%
What do you call the type of guy who *always* leaves the party with his ex-girlfriend?

The groom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnea47/what_do_you_call_the_type_of_guy_who_always/
%
It's easy to deter ladies from eating Tide pods...

but it's harder to detergents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dne9wa/its_easy_to_deter_ladies_from_eating_tide_pods/
%
I just bought a new TV and the box said “built in antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dne2uk/i_just_bought_a_new_tv_and_the_box_said_built_in/
%
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....

when he turns to her grabs her tits and says
"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".
Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".
She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says
"Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dndzc3/a_farmer_is_lying_in_bed_with_his_wife/
%
I just found that Aaarghh is not a real word.

I can’t express how angry that makes me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dndu7b/i_just_found_that_aaarghh_is_not_a_real_word/
%
Why don’t Catholics do Bar Mitzvahs?

Their boys experience a manhood way before the age of 13.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dndkpv/why_dont_catholics_do_bar_mitzvahs/
%
What do you call an introverted salesman?

Poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dndkm0/what_do_you_call_an_introverted_salesman/
%
Premature ejaculator:

Seeks young attractive woman for a fling,
Must have large tits, big lips and a tight arse,
and....aaaaaw, fuck sake, never mind!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dndivb/premature_ejaculator/
%
I asked my grandpa if he was absolutely SURE that he lost his hearing while he was in Rome. He said yes...

"deaf in Italy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dndfkp/i_asked_my_grandpa_if_he_was_absolutely_sure_that/
%
What does a horny frog say?

Rubbit rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnde8r/what_does_a_horny_frog_say/
%
Call a woman beautiful...

Call a woman beautiful every day for 10 years and she won’t remember you did.
Call a woman fat just once, and she will remember it forever.
Because elephants never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dndd8p/call_a_woman_beautiful/
%
My wife thinks I’m too insecure.

At least that’s what I overheard her telling her therapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dndcqn/my_wife_thinks_im_too_insecure/
%
A texan walks into an Irish bar.

A texan walks into an Irish bar and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to 12thanybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dndc4b/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_bar/
%
librarian knows his priorities

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dndacl/librarian_knows_his_priorities/
%
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.

We are currently filming the pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnd6zi/im_making_a_new_documentary_on_how_to_fly_a_plane/
%
The 7 Dwarfs had twin friends, Horny and Serious visiting from out of town.

Doc walks in to the living room and sees one of them with his pants off playing with his junk right out in the middle of the room.
“You can’t be serious” he yells.
“No,” he replied, “he’s fucking bashful.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnd4l4/the_7_dwarfs_had_twin_friends_horny_and_serious/
%
Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."
For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever questioned the quality of his work. He was the best and business was good.
In fact, it was so good that the other carpenters in town, jealous of his success, started to rename their stores to things like "Joe's Woodworking" and "Joe's furniture" in an attempt to steal his business.
Furious with his fellow carpenters, and more than a little hurt, Joe formulated a plan.
"I'll show them." Joe said, muttering to himself. "I'll go to the deepest part of the forest to find the best and most rare wood! Once I have it, I'll craft the most amazing piece of furniture ever built!!! I'll put it right outside my shop, so everyone knows who the rightful Joe is!"
Determined, Joe set off the next day at dawn. He went deeper into the forest than ever before, and then deeper still. After several days of hiking he came upon a clearing with three trees in the center. Amazed, he approached the trees with wonder; the wood was better quality than anything he had ever seen.
"They're magnificent, these are exactly what I needed!!" Joe exclaimed while reaching for his axe.
"Why thank you Joe." Said a gravelly voice. "We have watched you for some time."
"Uh... wh.. who's there?" Asked Joe, brandishing his axe and shaking with fear.
"We are the Ents of the forest Joe, we tend to all the trees throughout our domain." Said another voice, the same yet distinct from the first.
Joe looked up into the trees, trying to find the source of the voices. Gazing into the branches he saw what appeared to be faces in the bark of each of the trees... angry faces. Their eyes were smouldering red, and they had furious scowls that only gnarled wood could produce.
"You've been carving up our brethren Joe. YOU WILL SUFFER." Said the Ents in unison and they attacked Joe with all their fury.
"I didn't know!!! Please, spare me!" Cried Joe, but to no avail.
He was bludgeoned, scratched and beaten, but not defeated. Joe knew wood, he knew it well, and he had all the tools to chop down the toughest of trees. So he mustered his strength, and attacked with everything he had. Chopping, hacking, sawing, and breaking. All the while the Ents screamed at him with wild fury, seemingly possessed. Once Joe had gotten over his initial shock, he realized the trees were fairly slow, and it wasnt hard to avoid their attacks. Finally, after what seemed like days, the battle turned in his favor, yet the Ents continued their attack, even in the face of defeat.
"Please, just calm down." Joe said, exhausted. "I dont want to hurt you anymo-" A branch smacked him in the face, and he chopped it back. "STOP! You guys are living miracles, I dont want to kill yo-" *Whap* A small twig hit him right in the family jewels. Enraged and exhausted Joe's mind snapped.
"I said, CALM DOWN! *chop* CALM DOWN! *chop* CALM DOWN! *chop*" Every time he said calm down he chopped again and again with the axe, til nothing was left moving.
"There," he whispered with a crazed look in his eyes "you're calm now."
He started crying and whispering to the dead wood, begging it to talk again and apologizing while kissing the mangled branches.
"You're ok, you're just calm now. I'll take you back home my friends." Joe whispered maniacally.
For weeks Joe dragged the dead Ents back to Arge Oaks. With each passing day he fell deeper into madness, whispering to the wood.
When he finally returned to town, Joe rebuilt the Ents as much as he could and left them in front of his store. They were glorious works of art and the whole town gathered to ask Joe about his trees with faces.
"They aren't trees!" He snapped, his eyes roving crazily around. "They are ents, and they can talk!!"
The crowd looked around uncertainly.
"Well, why aren't they talking?" Yelled a man in the back.
"They are just calm." Said Joe, kissing a trunk and whispering madness. Unnerved, the crowd dispersed.
Joe kept making amazing furniture, better even than he used to, but he kept whispering to the ents and kissing them. Soon enough the people of the town stopped caring about his quirky way with the ents, "It's just part of his wood-working genius" they would say. Life got back to normal.
About a month later a rich land owner came to the small village to commission the famous Joe for a elegant table. Looking around the village he saw three separate carpentry stores with Joe in the name. Baffled, he asked a local where he could find the actual Joe.
The local raised an eyebrow and pointing towards Joe (who was stroking and kissing the rebuilt ents) the local said,
"Here in Arge Oaks, everyone knows that' the real Joe kissin the calm ents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnd3to/joes_talking_trees/
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Did you hear about the guy who tried to grow an apple orchard without trees?

His efforts were fruitless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnd3pk/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_tried_to_grow_an/
%
How much does it cost to ride The Smiler on a busy day?

An arm and a leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dncy7t/how_much_does_it_cost_to_ride_the_smiler_on_a/
%
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dncwtv/hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
%
Why does does Santa have such a large sack?

Because he comes only once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnctoe/why_does_does_santa_have_such_a_large_sack/
%
A girl and boy are at a party. The girl asks for a drink. The boy promptly gets her one and she says “Wow, that was fast.”

He responds “There was no punchline.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dncrqf/a_girl_and_boy_are_at_a_party_the_girl_asks_for_a/
%
Did you hear about the pimp who couldn’t turn a profit?

It was all over head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dncqn9/did_you_hear_about_the_pimp_who_couldnt_turn_a/
%
Bob’s brother died so he went to the funeral director to make arrangements. She said, “To customize the experience please tell me what your brother enjoyed in life.” Bob said, “He liked getting BJ’s and smoking weed.”

The funeral director said, “Well . . . I guess a headstone would be appropriate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnckq7/bobs_brother_died_so_he_went_to_the_funeral/
%
What happened to the Jewish man when he fell down the stairs?

Hebrews'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dncduu/what_happened_to_the_jewish_man_when_he_fell_down/
%
Where do pumpkins hold meetings?

The gourdroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dncbsw/where_do_pumpkins_hold_meetings/
%
“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”

Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dncbew/doc_all_my_5_kids_want_to_be_valets_when_they/
%
There are a million ways to say i love you

but there is only one way to say wrong hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dncaqz/there_are_a_million_ways_to_say_i_love_you/
%
Dad: Son, you're adopted.

Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.
Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnc8y1/dad_son_youre_adopted/
%
The man who invented velcro died.

RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnc7oy/the_man_who_invented_velcro_died/
%
As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.

“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”
“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”
“It is,” I said.
“No, it isn’t,” she said.
“You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fcuking chessboard up your ass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnbo8g/as_my_wife_and_i_lay_in_bed_together_i_felt_the/
%
What can a married man get for $400 that will really spice up his sex life?

A divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnbjrx/what_can_a_married_man_get_for_400_that_will/
%
What's a skeleton's least favourite room in a house?

The living room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnbht8/whats_a_skeletons_least_favourite_room_in_a_house/
%
Someone just took a shit in the elevator

He took pooping to another level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnbg1q/someone_just_took_a_shit_in_the_elevator/
%
Classical music jokes are easy to come up with

I could write you a long Liszt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnb9m4/classical_music_jokes_are_easy_to_come_up_with/
%
Donate one kidney then your hailed a hero

Donate five then you're going to prison
Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnb6sn/donate_one_kidney_then_your_hailed_a_hero/
%
My sex ed teacher asked me how i view lesbian relationships.

Apparently 1080p wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnb5hm/my_sex_ed_teacher_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
%
My brother has Aspergers. When you give him a Rubik's cube it takes him like 12 seconds to...

... say “Thank you“.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnb5ag/my_brother_has_aspergers_when_you_give_him_a/
%
6 shots

A young man walks up and sits down at the
bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender
inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you
celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first
blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a
7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6
shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnb3zy/6_shots/
%
Today I was smoking a cig in front of my local Walmart when the guard came yelling at me...

Guard : "Excuse me sir! We have no smoking rules around here!"
Me : "Great! Most stores have a ton of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnb3jn/today_i_was_smoking_a_cig_in_front_of_my_local/
%
2 brothers open a weed shop.

It was a joint effort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnb06m/2_brothers_open_a_weed_shop/
%
A conspiracy theorist walks into a bar

Or is that just what *they* want you to think?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnazwc/a_conspiracy_theorist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
There's two things I don't like about Harvey Dent

His face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnavka/theres_two_things_i_dont_like_about_harvey_dent/
%
A bear walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "I'll have a..................beer."
The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnamcr/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Yesterday i've donated my purse,watch and cellphone to a poor guy.

You Can't imagine the happiness that I felt as i saw him putting his gun back in his pocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dnafd3/yesterday_ive_donated_my_pursewatch_and_cellphone/
%
If you think your job is awful...

...Just remember that somewhere in Bavaria, Germany, there is some miserable bastard in charge of putting turn signals in BMWs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dna6hp/if_you_think_your_job_is_awful/
%
There's a saying in Korea that a man should listen to the voices of three women.

Their mother, their wife, and the GPS lady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dna0k3/theres_a_saying_in_korea_that_a_man_should_listen/
%
What do you call a local store that sells costume pieces and theater pieces?

A Mom and Prop Shop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn9z6m/what_do_you_call_a_local_store_that_sells_costume/
%
I got a job making plastic Draculas for Halloween.

There’s only two of us though so I have to make every second count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn9xk8/i_got_a_job_making_plastic_draculas_for_halloween/
%
I am your Father... Alternate Version

Vader: Luke, I am Joe
Luke: Who's Joe?
Vader:>! Joe Father!<
Luke: NOOOOOO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn9u15/i_am_your_father_alternate_version/
%
The frog

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn9raw/the_frog/
%
What does an electrician drive?

A Voltswagen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn9r5y/what_does_an_electrician_drive/
%
A Norwegian goes to the psychiatrist

"What brings you in today?"
"I've just been so depressed. I wish I was never Björn"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn9oni/a_norwegian_goes_to_the_psychiatrist/
%
If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world....

Then Who is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn9npc/if_watson_isnt_the_most_famous_doctor_in_the_world/
%
What were the British man’s final words as he was about to be executed in China?

“Is it really THAT bloody hard to ask for tea and a mint square?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn9ir1/what_were_the_british_mans_final_words_as_he_was/
%
Did you know that if you put your ear to a strangers leg, you can actually hear...

them yell "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn9i3x/did_you_know_that_if_you_put_your_ear_to_a/
%
What do you call a gay Trump supporter?

A white power bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn9dqc/what_do_you_call_a_gay_trump_supporter/
%
You scream in a Library and everyone looks at you funny.

But you scream in an airplane and everyone joins in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn99cz/you_scream_in_a_library_and_everyone_looks_at_you/
%
A magician is driving a car

Then he turns into a driveway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn981o/a_magician_is_driving_a_car/
%
2 chickens are sitting in a bar...

One of the chickens pulls a gun out of nowhere, and shoots himself in the head. He died instantly.
The other chicken was sad, but lived on the rest of his life. He had a family, grew old, and eventually died.
In heaven, he found his old friend, the one chicken from the bar.
"Why'd you do it?" the chicken asked.
"To get to the other side," the other chicken replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn979r/2_chickens_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
Disabled people are the worst at improv

They can make up a story but can't run with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn963q/disabled_people_are_the_worst_at_improv/
%
My math teacher came out today

She stood in front of the class and said she was binomial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn912w/my_math_teacher_came_out_today/
%
What is the best part about having sex with a vampire?

They can't get you pregnant.
Not because their sperm is dead.
But because they can't come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my haunTED talk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn8vao/what_is_the_best_part_about_having_sex_with_a/
%
Jesus Christ, Chuck﻿ Norris and an Irishman were on a boat

. They had to get to﻿ land, but had no oars.
Jesus starts﻿ walking across the water,﻿ and finally makes it safely to the other﻿ side.
Chuck joins Jesus, and walks safely across too.
The Irishman﻿ thought, if they can do it, I﻿ can do it. He walks out of the boat, falls into the water, and drowns.
Jesus frowns, looks at Chuck and says "You think we should have told him about the rocks?"
Chuck looks back and says "What rocks?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn8ej2/jesus_christ_chuck_norris_and_an_irishman_were_on/
%
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

Take away the tiny broom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn8d13/how_do_you_stop_canadian_bacon_from_curling_in/
%
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

"See you next month!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn8bwh/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
%
Quiche is like the fools gold of the baking world.

When you see it, you think it’s pie right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn7wom/quiche_is_like_the_fools_gold_of_the_baking_world/
%
My friend told me, "of all of our friends, man, you're the one, you're it." I was touched.

We were playing tag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn7w2e/my_friend_told_me_of_all_of_our_friends_man_youre/
%
My teacher told me to "pay attention"

And I say "sorry, my student loans don't cover it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn7trm/my_teacher_told_me_to_pay_attention/
%
"I left, I'm not coming back."

To see her husband's reaction,a woman wrote on a
paper:
" I left, I'm not coming back."
Hidden under the bed, the woman waited for her
husband to arrive.
He walked into the room, saw the paper, wrote
something on the paper, and put himself to sing, all
satisfied. 5 minutes later, he took his cell phone and
called someone:
- I'm going now. The other nut's gone. I'm on my way, remember I love you so much.
He took the car and left.
Mad in anger, the woman comes out under the bed and reads what he wrote...
I could see your feet.
went for bread
Stop being retarded and make dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn7nwg/i_left_im_not_coming_back/
%
A gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited. (Long)

The  gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As  they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork  and says:
“The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively  lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me  what you do for living?”
Gambler says “I am a professional gambler.”
“A gambler?” said the IRS agent with slightly puzzled and surprised look on his face.
“Yes, I make my money by betting, would you like a demonstration?”
“Sure” said the IRS agent “let’s have a demonstration”
“I will bet you $1,000; that I can bite my eye” said the gambler.
“OK,  you have a bet” replied IRS agent with a smirk on his face. The gambler  pops out his glass eye and bites it. IRS agent is shocked as he did not  see that coming, and he did agree to a $1,000 bet in from of gamblers  attorney.
“All right, all right, this was not really fair” said  the gambler. “I will give you a chance to win your money back. I will  bet you another $1,000 that I can bite my other eye.”
IRS agent  looks over the guys paperwork and see that he is not legally blind and  takes the bet. The gambler takes out his dentures and bites his other  eye. The IRS agent is now visibly stressed and sweating for being on the  hook for $2,000.
“I tell you what. Double or nothing, I will  stand on the edge of your desk, close my eyes and piss into the garbage  can on the other side of the room without spilling a drop, what do you  say?”
IRS agent is a little perplex, but does not see how that  would be possible and takes the bet. The gambler stands on the agents  desks, unzip his pants, closes his eyes and pisses all over the agents  desk.
“YES!!!” exclaimed the IRS agent knowing he won the bet and does not own the gambler any money.
“Ahh, shiiiit” said the attorney.
“What’s the matter?” asked the IRS agent.
“Well, he bet me $20,000 that he will come to your office today, piss all over your desk, and you would be happy about it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn7n2a/a_gambler_gets_a_notice_from_irs_that_he_is_being/
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I made a mistake at the grocery store.

I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn7kz2/i_made_a_mistake_at_the_grocery_store/
%
What rhymes with orange

No it doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn7kao/what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
Study shows women are turning into good drivers

So if you’re a good driver watch out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn7idu/study_shows_women_are_turning_into_good_drivers/
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Why is 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn7hyj/why_is_69_afraid_of_70/
%
My wife and I often role play. It always ends up with me playing the sexy guy driving the Uber that she seduces. Until I got her pregnant...

Now I just get to role play as the Door Dash guy..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn76o1/my_wife_and_i_often_role_play_it_always_ends_up/
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When life gives you melons...

...you should get your dyslexia diagnosed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn6wv2/when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
I just found that my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant

But I'm not worried, because her body hasn't rejected any organ in the last 5 years
-- Credits to Tom Cotter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn6stm/i_just_found_that_my_exgirlfriend_needs_a_kidney/
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Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn6okt/why_is_suicide_illegal_in_china/
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Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.
When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule,  however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**
The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.
A couple of days later, they decide to have a picnic.  It's a beautiful day; the sun is shining, the skies are blue, etc. As they lay down the blanket, one of the men sits on a suspicious-looking lump (which turns out to be a duck).
St. Peter appears instantly. "**I GAVE YOU ONE RULE!**", he bellows, "And you could not follow it!? I have no choice but to punish you." Despite the man's pleas, St. Peter continues, "As punishment, you are now bound to the ugliest woman in heaven for all eternity!" Both St. Peter and the man vanish.
The next day, the two remaining men take a walk in a park. One of the men doesn't look where he's going, and all of the sudden... *CRUNCH!* \- a duck has been stepped on.
As with the last time, St. Peter appears instantly. "You know what I must do - you are now bound to the next ugliest woman in heaven for all eternity!"
Three years later, the final man is relaxing in his house, when out of the blue, St. Peter appears. Expecting something bad, the man gets on his knees and asks what St. Peter wants. he replies, "Since you have been so good as to not touch a duck for the past three years, I will reward you by binding you to the most beautiful woman in heaven for all of eternity."
As St. Peter describes her, the man really thinks she sounds gorgeous. He is so eager to meet her that he asks, "When do I see her?" St. Peter snaps his fingers, and *POOF* \- the man is meeting his soul mate. They talk for a while, until he says to her, "You're so beautiful and smart and funny; what did I do to deserve you?" The woman responds, "I don't know; all I had to do was step on a duck!"
Sorry about the length of this one, folks. I thought it was worth sharing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn66tl/warning_to_some_this_joke_is_sexist_religiously/
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My math teacher is terrified of negative numbers.

She'll stop at *nothing* to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn657v/my_math_teacher_is_terrified_of_negative_numbers/
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A man walks into a bar

He proceeds to sit down when the bartender approaches him and asks his drink.
“Whiskey” he says.
After the bartender pours it, a leprechaun that’s been sitting on the mans shoulder runs down and kicks the glass, thus spilling it everywhere.
“Another one please” the guy says.
The leprechaun proceeds to do the same exact thing.
At this point, the bartender asks the guy “hey! What’s his deal?”
“Well you see, the other day I found a magic lamp. The genie granted me one wish. After thinking about it, I told the genie I wanted a 12 inch prick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn6167/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn60dg/my_wife_really_hates_that_i_have_no_sense_of/
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Hey Pinocchio would that be your knee?

No it wood knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn5xwp/hey_pinocchio_would_that_be_your_knee/
%
In every corny joke,

There is a kernel of truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn5uke/in_every_corny_joke/
%
Why don't Atheist churches have to pay taxes?

Because they're a non-prophet organization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn5izj/why_dont_atheist_churches_have_to_pay_taxes/
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Challenged my boss to a street race.

My boss drives a Prius to work every day. One day I challenged him to a street race after work, my Focus against his car, for pink slips. Quarter mile. He accepted
That night waiting for him, he pulls up, in a Corvette. We raced. He won. I didn't stop. Kept going. Next day I called into work and quit. Couldn't work for that guy again.
Environmentalist my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn5gvy/challenged_my_boss_to_a_street_race/
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Saint McDonald’s church of the holy

They have some of the best fryers is the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn557j/saint_mcdonalds_church_of_the_holy/
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What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: I didn't ask a question

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn54xt/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_has_9_letters_but/
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I really need to buy a new toilet bowl ...

The one I have is full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn523w/i_really_need_to_buy_a_new_toilet_bowl/
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Three Irish guys chatting:

First says, I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician, I came home and under the bed was a pair of wire cutters.
Second one says, I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber, I came home and under the bed was a wrench.
Third one says, I think my wife is having an affair with a horse, I came home and under the bed was a Jockey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn4z88/three_irish_guys_chatting/
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Did you hear about the gay butcher?

People ate his sausage straight from the Grindr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn4ksp/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_butcher/
%
A cop pulled me over today and said "Papers",

so I said "Scissors" and drove off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn4dkl/a_cop_pulled_me_over_today_and_said_papers/
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Did you hear the one about the guy who took his fishing rod to Burger King?

He caught a Whopper.
(I'm hoping that this translates well to cultures outside of the UK - apologies if it doesn't)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn46wt/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_guy_who_took_his/
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Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn42td/did_you_hear_about_the_thief_that_preferred/
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A pit for each nation in hell

A man dies and he gets a guided tour of hell from the devil, before he can go to heaven.
First they see a huge pit full of hot tar, and people screaming in agony. There's barbed wire around the pit, and guards with rifles.
The man asks: What's this?
And the devil says: this pit is for the russians. Here, if someone tries to climb out, the guards shoot him and throw him back into the pit.
Next they see another huge pit full of hot tar, and people suffering. There are signs all around the pit.
The man asks: What's this?
And the devil says: this pit is for the germans. Here, if someone tries to climb out they notice the signs. The signs say "Climb back!" so they climb back immediately.
The man is amazed, but they go further, and see a third pit full of hot tar, and people screaming in pain. Curiusly, there seems to be nothing around this pit to keep people in.
The man asks: What's this?
And the devil says: this one is my favourite, it's the pit for the hungarians! Here if someone tries to climb out, the others pull him back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you liked the joke, tell me about your own nation's pit in the comments!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn419x/a_pit_for_each_nation_in_hell/
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Why did the partially sighted woman fall down a well?

Because she couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn411a/why_did_the_partially_sighted_woman_fall_down_a/
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What do you call a sexual assault at a vineyard?

A Harvey Winestein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn3xwm/what_do_you_call_a_sexual_assault_at_a_vineyard/
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What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at karate?

The Carroty Kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn3tbx/what_do_you_call_a_ginger_kid_whos_good_at_karate/
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Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

As our passion began to heat up
she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”
I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!”
She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The next day I took off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store.
I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.” We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so
excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw
her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No baby, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”
I said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either… but at least she knows I’m smarter than her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn3kob/last_week_my_girlfriend_and_i_were_getting_into/
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Whats the first thing you do if you find your wife having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in the laundry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn3ipr/whats_the_first_thing_you_do_if_you_find_your/
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I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.

We're currently filming the pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn3d34/im_making_a_new_documentary_on_how_to_fly_a_plane/
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I saw a magician running away from a shop a few days ago.

I asked him why, and he told me he had a few twix up his sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn3b7m/i_saw_a_magician_running_away_from_a_shop_a_few/
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First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn3aja/first_attempt_at_cooking_for_my_italian/
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My friend is addicted to having sex with inanimate objects, and we haven’t seen him in a while.

He always has stuff to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn393j/my_friend_is_addicted_to_having_sex_with/
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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

A hearing with the ethics committee and a revoked veterinary license. “Elephino...” you disgust me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn324e/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_and_a/
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I went to a mansion but everyone had bad ettiquette.

It was a Bad Manor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn31kj/i_went_to_a_mansion_but_everyone_had_bad/
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A weird little German kid just handed me a bunch of yellow metal

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn2uk8/a_weird_little_german_kid_just_handed_me_a_bunch/
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Punctuation

A woman was out shopping and her son was with her.  They boy spotted a man who was bowlegged.  The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, " Momma, look at the bowlegged man."  Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare.  He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him out again to the mall shopping.  Once again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time.  So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of man are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn2qa7/punctuation/
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3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn2ows/3_spies_from_england_france_and_italy_were_sent/
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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.
" The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied
. "What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn2oqh/a_young_newlywed_couple_wanted_to_join_a_church/
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Tesla released a car air freshener last week...

It's called "Elon's musk".
- Congrats on Q3 Elon, enjoy my repost everyone that missed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn2lvh/tesla_released_a_car_air_freshener_last_week/
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Joe Biden recently said his kid's won't have offices in the white house.

Mainly because he also won't have an office in the white house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn2lfe/joe_biden_recently_said_his_kids_wont_have/
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A guy is sentenced to prison

On his first day, he is very anxious because of the stories he heard.
At showering time, a big tattooed guy comes over, lays his hand on his shoulder and tells him:
"Okay, so here is how this goes. Every new guy will get fucked by an older inmate on his first day here. But I'm leaving you a choice. Do you want to do it with or without lotion?"
The new guy is scared, but reluctantly says: "I guess there is no way I can avoid this. At least let's do it with lotion then."
The big guy yells: "Hey Lotion, come over, this guy wants a threesome!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn2kiy/a_guy_is_sentenced_to_prison/
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Did you hear...

Did you hear about the blind man that pick up his hammer and saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn2ja6/did_you_hear/
%
I just met a cute girl named Kidding.

I wish I was fucking kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn2hnj/i_just_met_a_cute_girl_named_kidding/
%
I went to a costume party last night and a guy dressed as Robin Hood said to me "Tally-Ho!"

I looked around and said "Seven, but I think most are just costumes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn2d92/i_went_to_a_costume_party_last_night_and_a_guy/
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It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.

The difference is staggering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn2byi/its_a_5_minute_walk_from_my_house_to_the_bar_its/
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Whats the one thing all zombies want?

Piece of mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn2alf/whats_the_one_thing_all_zombies_want/
%
A dwarf called me an idiot

I told him to grow up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn2a1y/a_dwarf_called_me_an_idiot/
%
Meeting with the eye surgeon is such a scam, I paid over $500 just for the consultation!

And I still don't know who I'm seeing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn28ul/meeting_with_the_eye_surgeon_is_such_a_scam_i/
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Did you hear about Darth Vader’s phobia of crash test dummies getting triggered?

Annakin was panickin’ about a mannequin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn288f/did_you_hear_about_darth_vaders_phobia_of_crash/
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Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!

I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn2815/just_got_my_ticket_to_the_fibonacci_convention/
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My submission for a new drug name was rejected by big pharma. I don't know why.

'Dyquickr' is a perfectly good name for a cholesterol lowering medication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn25w4/my_submission_for_a_new_drug_name_was_rejected_by/
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I have a Russian friend who always asks me to try vodka even though I don't like it.

Well I guess if he insists so much, Soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn20qp/i_have_a_russian_friend_who_always_asks_me_to_try/
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My wife just found out she's adopted. She is devastated and kept asking "why didn't they want me?". I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "who is your daddy" was a little insensitive..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn20ji/my_wife_just_found_out_shes_adopted_she_is/
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A sun walks into a black hole...

So the black hole says to the sun "Sun, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn1rrq/a_sun_walks_into_a_black_hole/
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What do you call a cheese maker that works very hard?

An overacheeser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn1m3u/what_do_you_call_a_cheese_maker_that_works_very/
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One Friend asks the other: "Does your wife also smoke after sex?"

His friend gives him a slightly confused look and replies: "Erm, no, but she's a bit sore afterwards."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn1hho/one_friend_asks_the_other_does_your_wife_also/
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I have the unique ability to eat two pieces of string and poop them out tied together...

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn1fky/i_have_the_unique_ability_to_eat_two_pieces_of/
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A first grade student said, “Teacher teacher! Kyle has his pants down again!”

The teacher goes, “PRINCIPAL KYLE, IM’A NEED YOU TO GET OUT RIGHT NOW!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn1edr/a_first_grade_student_said_teacher_teacher_kyle/
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If a pregnant woman swims

she is a human submarine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn1d8x/if_a_pregnant_woman_swims/
%
My blond girlfriend ain't too bright. I told her I played Russian roulette once.

She asked me if I lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn1crq/my_blond_girlfriend_aint_too_bright_i_told_her_i/
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Two farmers are standing at a fence talking.

Farmer 1: Do your cows smoke cigarettes???
Farmer 2: No, of course not
Farmer 1: Then your barn is on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn10ga/two_farmers_are_standing_at_a_fence_talking/
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So I said, "As a matter of fact I do. Why does...

Donald Duck walk around all day with no pants on, but after he takes a shower he puts a towel around his waist?" And the waiter said, "No I meant do you have any questions about our menu."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn0z9k/so_i_said_as_a_matter_of_fact_i_do_why_does/
%
Two archaeologists are excavating an ancient Egyptian tomb

Suddenly both archaeologists let out loud farts in unison. They turn to each other and one says, “Hmm, it seems that we have a Tutankhamen”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn0yyv/two_archaeologists_are_excavating_an_ancient/
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Never expect to keep a long-term relationship with a mechanic.

He screws nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn0xjg/never_expect_to_keep_a_longterm_relationship_with/
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My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn0qvs/my_friend_billy_bob_and_i_visited_a_place_where/
%
What did one french surgeon say to the other one evening?

“Bonesaw!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn0plp/what_did_one_french_surgeon_say_to_the_other_one/
%
A priest, a rabbi, and a nun are having breakfast together.

They start talking to each other about their jobs and someone raises the question of how they prepare their new trainees for the worst part of the job.
The rabbi says, “celibacy is the worst part of the job, so all new rabbis must go to the church on 12th street where young women are known to gather on Thursday night, and they must fondle the women’s breasts, but no more than that. It is agony for them.”
The priest says, “Celibacy is also the most difficult part for new priests, so they are also sent to the church on 12th street where young women gather on Thursday night, and must fondle the buttocks of the women, but nothing more than that.”
The priest and the rabbi look at the nun, and ask, “What about for the convent? How do you prepare them for the worst part of sisterhood?” And she says, “Those young women are my nuns.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn0kdw/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_nun_are_having_breakfast/
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My friend named their newborn Interrobang

I mean ?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn05b6/my_friend_named_their_newborn_interrobang/
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A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn0502/a_friend_and_i_were_talking_about_compromise_in/
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As a child I was traumatized by the priest

He was cheating on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn04i8/as_a_child_i_was_traumatized_by_the_priest/
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How do you scare a computer at Halloween?

With a Terror Bite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn043p/how_do_you_scare_a_computer_at_halloween/
%
An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day

In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death.
On the day of the funeral, each of his advisers came with a large envelope and each, in turn, placed it in the wealthy man's open casket. At the end of the funeral, when the man was buried, each of the advisers walked away from the cemetary together.
The accountant said to the other two "I must confess, I didn't put all of the money in. I kept $10,000 for myself and only put in $40,000."
The doctor responded "I should be honest too. I kept $20,000 for myself and only put in $30,000."
The lawyer looked at the other two with disdain and said "I'm ashamed of both of you. Our client instructed us to put in $50,000 each into his casket, and I'll have you know I put in a check for the full amount!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn03ou/an_arrogant_wealthy_man_passed_away_one_day/
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Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

My bosses tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dn03ce/whats_12_inches_long_and_hangs_in_front_of_an/
%
Why are redditors bad demolitionists?

They never expect things to blow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmzxmc/why_are_redditors_bad_demolitionists/
%
An Irishman is at the top of the diving board about to dive in when the attendant yells out "Stop! The pool has no water in it!"

"That's OK" says Paddy. "I can't swim".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmzvhm/an_irishman_is_at_the_top_of_the_diving_board/
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What do you think Alexa, siri, and cortana identity as

Binary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmzvbc/what_do_you_think_alexa_siri_and_cortana_identity/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it got sick of people constantly questioning its motivations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmzukd/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
My interview at the recycling plant lasted 10 seconds

Interviewer - What were you doing before ?
Me - Posting on r/Jokes
Interviewer - Hired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmztld/my_interview_at_the_recycling_plant_lasted_10/
%
If you have a camp to help people with ADHD...

would it be called a concentration camp?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmzs6e/if_you_have_a_camp_to_help_people_with_adhd/
%
I have no problem with cocaine.

I've quit it 146 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmzrx9/i_have_no_problem_with_cocaine/
%
My sex life and my taxes fall in the same category.

Married, but filing separately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmzrf7/my_sex_life_and_my_taxes_fall_in_the_same_category/
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This guy looked really scared when I pulled the gun out.

He looked at me as it to say, "What was that doing up your arsehole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmzq3f/this_guy_looked_really_scared_when_i_pulled_the/
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Two Problems

MAN: Doctor, I have two problems I’d like to talk to you about.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Yes. Go on.
MAN: Whenever I’m not working I feel guilty.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Ah? Well then you may be a workaholic. But let’s proceed. What is your second problem?
MAN: I have a lot of guilt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmzpsp/two_problems/
%
How do mathematicians make babies?

They have sec(x).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmzma5/how_do_mathematicians_make_babies/
%
What sound does a communist cat make?

Mao.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmzhcs/what_sound_does_a_communist_cat_make/
%
I cried whenever my dad cut onions

I miss Onions. He was my favourite brother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmz4hc/i_cried_whenever_my_dad_cut_onions/
%
The movie theatre down the road from my house was robbed of $50,000 last night

The newspaper said that the suspects escaped with 2 large bags of popcorn, 2 candy bars and a large soda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmz3up/the_movie_theatre_down_the_road_from_my_house_was/
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A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.
He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, but I need to dig up the garden and plant the potatoes!"
Hastily, he writes back, "DON'T dig up the garden! That's where I buried the loot!"
Naturally, the police go and investigate, but find nothing whatsoever. The wife replies; "You're not gonna believe this, but a bunch of police men just came and dug up the garden!"
He sends one final letter back.
"Now plant the potatoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmz0ij/a_criminal_is_arrested_and_sent_to_jail_long/
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I overheard a coven of witches sharing tips to keep cats off their altars.

I guess it’s a *familiar* problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmyvvl/i_overheard_a_coven_of_witches_sharing_tips_to/
%
Did you hear about the guy with 5 dicks?

His pants fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmysar/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_5_dicks/
%
The priest and the nun.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the fuck out of here!'
Edit. Removed Emojis. Redditors get insulted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmyqau/the_priest_and_the_nun/
%
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick..

How low can you get?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmyfbd/someone_broke_into_my_house_last_night_and_stole/
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There was an old man named Mr. Habit who died of a viagra overdose.

I guess old Habits die hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmydfp/there_was_an_old_man_named_mr_habit_who_died_of_a/
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I started a support group for those who can't achieve an orgasm

If you can't come,let us know ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmy9pn/i_started_a_support_group_for_those_who_cant/
%
A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the woman behind the desk.  Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!"
"Open that cup of semen."
The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face.
He yells, "Do it!"
Shivering in fear she grabs the container and opens it.
"Now drink it."
"But..."
He points the gun at her face and she drinks the contents.
"Open another."
She opens a second container.
"Now drink that one."  And she does.  "And open another one."
Confused and scared she opens a third.  The gun still pointed at her he demands she continue with the third and she does.
The man removes the mask revealing he is the woman's husband and says, "now that wasn't so fucking hard, was it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmy08r/a_masked_man_enters_a_sperm_bank_with_a_gun/
%
I went to the Chinese for a take away last night, I ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The bloke tipped it all loose in to a carrier bag. I said what the hell are you doing?

He said we're not allowed to put Chinese in a container anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmxz2d/i_went_to_the_chinese_for_a_take_away_last_night/
%
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?

Miss a car payment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmxpa5/what_is_the_quickest_way_to_get_back_on_your_feet/
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What do you call intelligent people in the US?

Tourists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmxn83/what_do_you_call_intelligent_people_in_the_us/
%
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmxn6m/an_older_white_haired_man_walked_into_a_jewelry/
%
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.

You just have to look at it from a different angle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmxl1j/i_was_talking_to_this_guy_about_how_i_hate/
%
My girlfriend borrowed $500 from me. After 4 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $500.

I lost interest on that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmxhhk/my_girlfriend_borrowed_500_from_me_after_4_years/
%
My Greek doctor isn’t a physician

He’s a gyropractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmxdm4/my_greek_doctor_isnt_a_physician/
%
The man who invented autocorrect has died.

May he roast in piss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmx92j/the_man_who_invented_autocorrect_has_died/
%
There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.

Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from mommy balloon. Then the next night: he released air from the daddy balloon. On the 3rd night he couldn't fit no matter how hard he tried, so he decided to release some air out of himself.
The next morning the father woke up enraged as he was still shattered from a sleepless night. He goes: 'Son, you've went to far... you've let me down, you've let your mom down, but most importantly son... you've let yourself down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmx7jf/there_once_lived_a_family_of_balloons_there_was_a/
%
German Cannibals

think people are the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmx6tp/german_cannibals/
%
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "What is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "Everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Even more confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.
The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmx6pw/a_woman_dies_and_goes_to_the_gates_of_heaven/
%
William Buckfield once said,

"Change cannot be given to you every time. You must bring the change"
&nbsp;
Oh, BTW William Buckfield is our grocery store cashier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmx4rq/william_buckfield_once_said/
%
I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday

Got him home and the first thing he did was make a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmx4e9/i_bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith_yesterday/
%
What did the skeleton order for dinner?

The spare ribs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmx2in/what_did_the_skeleton_order_for_dinner/
%
Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier.

Sperm Bank Employee: What glass of milk?
Me: The one that was right here on the counter.
Sperm Bank Employee: Oh my god.
Me: What?
Sperm Bank Employee: You drank my glass of milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmwwj4/me_thank_you_for_that_glass_of_milk_earlier/
%
One day an old man wrote a letter to God... [long]

...and he tied the letter to a tree outside a church.
The priest came and took down the letter.
It read "Please God, I'm a poor man, please send me $100,000 so I can pay my debts and live peacefully".
Being a kind priest, he took donations around town for the old man and raised $5,000.  He put it in an envelope and wrote on it "From God" and left it next to the tree when he saw the old man come visit again.
The next day, the old man came back and tied another letter to the tree.
The priest then came and took down the letter and read it excitedly.
"Dear God, thank you for sending me the money.  Next time, please send it to me directly as the priest can't be trusted, can you believe he took $95,000 of the money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmww8w/one_day_an_old_man_wrote_a_letter_to_god_long/
%
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmwv82/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
%
A man goes to a funeral and walks up to the widow

Man: "May I say a word?"
Widow: "Of course"
Man: "Plethora"
Widow: "Thanks, that means a lot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmwuoo/a_man_goes_to_a_funeral_and_walks_up_to_the_widow/
%
Dave’s driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls.

He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.
When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there’s hardly standing room anywhere.
Banta scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms, but to no avail. Finally, he spots a small stairway and scrambles up.
When he gets to the top, he discovers that all the doors are locked.
All but one. When he opens the door, all he sees is a big hole in the floor. Desperate, he drops his pants and dumps the biggest load he’s ever had right there in the hole.
Relieved, he calmly walks down the stairs. The once crowded barroom is completely empty, not a soul was in sight. Slowly, a bartender rises from behind the bar.
“What happened!?!” says Banta.
The bartender responds “Where were you when the shit hit the fan?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmwrzk/daves_driving_along_the_highway_one_evening_when/
%
I was at a bar last night, when a waitress screamed "Does anybody know CPR ?'

I said "Hell, I know the whole alphabet", everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmwpvj/i_was_at_a_bar_last_night_when_a_waitress/
%
The only thing

Flat earthers have to fear
Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmwnco/the_only_thing/
%
I'm considering becoming a mind reader

What are your thoughts?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmwfqt/im_considering_becoming_a_mind_reader/
%
A lumberjack applied for a job.

Supervisor: "Let's test your abilities. Go over to that forest there and cut down as many trees as you can in one minute."
\*one minute later\*
Supervisor: "Wow! This is the best I've ever seen! 20 trees in one minute! Where did you work before?"
Lumberjack: "The Sahara Forest."
Supervisor: "I've never heard of it. Isn't it the Sahara desert?"
Lumberjack: "Yeah, that's right! They changed the name later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmwfjl/a_lumberjack_applied_for_a_job/
%
How did Captain America lose track of Black Widow at the amusement park?

She was secretly Romanoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmwdk4/how_did_captain_america_lose_track_of_black_widow/
%
Got some odd news in my dyslexia association newsletter today... [NSFW]

Turns out everybodies cocks go black this weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmwd6o/got_some_odd_news_in_my_dyslexia_association/
%
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.

“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmwcxl/a_man_and_his_wife_are_sound_asleep_in_bed_when/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke ?

When it becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmwb98/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
Speech is like girls skirt.

If it is too long, people don't take interest in it, if it's short, it will fail to cover the subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmw8x4/speech_is_like_girls_skirt/
%
Arguing with women is like reading general terms.

Just click "Agree".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmw8ga/arguing_with_women_is_like_reading_general_terms/
%
Because I'm British I can say that I smoked a fag and it wouldn't be offensive

Regardless, I'm told his family cried heaps at the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmw7o1/because_im_british_i_can_say_that_i_smoked_a_fag/
%
Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!”

“Impeach.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmw47q/donald_trump_im_not_orange/
%
why is jesus so healthy?

cause he does cross-fit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmw1tu/why_is_jesus_so_healthy/
%
You ever see those patients smoking outside a hospital?

Taking a break from being sick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmvzdf/you_ever_see_those_patients_smoking_outside_a/
%
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmvt4n/a_robber_pulled_a_gun_on_the_bank_clerk_and/
%
How do you get a one armed blonde down a tree?

Give her a wave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmvr5m/how_do_you_get_a_one_armed_blonde_down_a_tree/
%
One day, little Bobby’s parents decided to have sex

So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Bobby says sure and goes out.
After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Bobby says " I didn't see any red cars but I found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says "That’s funny, did they leave the curtains open?”
In return, Bobby says out loud, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting red cars"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmve2f/one_day_little_bobbys_parents_decided_to_have_sex/
%
Which knight had a special way of standing during sex?

Sir Cum-stance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmvdx7/which_knight_had_a_special_way_of_standing_during/
%
Having sex while camping...

...is fucking in tents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmvbwg/having_sex_while_camping/
%
What’s the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne comes on a child after they’re 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmv5g8/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
%
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Job seeker: Because the company moved.
Interviewer: Where did it move to?
Job seeker: They didn't tell me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmv5be/interviewer_why_did_you_leave_your_last_job/
%
A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears

The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? "
The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months.
After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened.
The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!"
PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmutez/a_newbee_hunter_asked_a_experienced_old_hunter/
%
What's common between will to live and a girlfriend

I have none

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmupr1/whats_common_between_will_to_live_and_a_girlfriend/
%
A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”
He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out.
“What’s the matter, son?” asks the father.
“Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler.
Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said.
“You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring Johnny!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmuj70/a_man_returns_home_early_from_work_one_afternoon/
%
What's ET short for?

Because he has little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmub9l/whats_et_short_for/
%
Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine...

The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing.
"God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says.
"Things come and things go", the ~~rabbit~~ rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our misfortune?"
"Don't mind if I do", the Pope says.
The rabbi gets a bottle of cognac from his car and pours the Pope and himself a drink.
The Pope drinks his cup, but the rabbi does not drink his.
"Why aren't you drinking?" the Pope asks.
"Me?" the rabbi asks, "I'll wait for the police to show up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmu9ub/two_cars_get_into_a_minor_crash_the_cars_a_bit/
%
Little Lisa came home and told her mother she got $5 from the boys to climb a tree

Her mother smiled and said: “They only wanted to peek at your panties under your dress.”
“I know”, said Lisa, “But I fooled them. I took off my panties before I climbed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmu8uw/little_lisa_came_home_and_told_her_mother_she_got/
%
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.

It runs in our jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmtyfp/my_family_has_a_genetic_predisposition_for/
%
Tell me your best "guy with no arms and no legs" joke.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, laying in a pile of leafs?
Russel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmtwvn/tell_me_your_best_guy_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

"We have two (2) basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villagers "Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor Sir."
On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not  worry that a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the second problem which they said,
"...secondly Sir, there is no network anywhere in this village".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmttex/a_politician_visited_a_village_and_asked_what/
%
What do Thanksgiving and the Kurds have in common?

..
America loves them and Turkey would prefer they didn't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmtm9q/what_do_thanksgiving_and_the_kurds_have_in_common/
%
I misplaced my thesaurus this morning.

I have no words to describe how I feel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmtgj3/i_misplaced_my_thesaurus_this_morning/
%
Why did the centaur never get a singing career?

He was a bit hoarse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmtg40/why_did_the_centaur_never_get_a_singing_career/
%
Why is it called r/showerthoughts?

Because r/poolthoughts is too deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmtcia/why_is_it_called_rshowerthoughts/
%
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool!

But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmt8k1/boy_complains_to_his_father_you_told_me_to_put_a/
%
My girlfriend is really mad I don't know the difference between directions.

So I packed my stuff and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmt5fu/my_girlfriend_is_really_mad_i_dont_know_the/
%
What vaxxers don't get is...

Measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmt58v/what_vaxxers_dont_get_is/
%
Would you hire a budget hitman?

I dunno, they're pretty hit or miss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmt4qp/would_you_hire_a_budget_hitman/
%
What do you call an old white man who thinks outside the box?

A stale cracker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmt22z/what_do_you_call_an_old_white_man_who_thinks/
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I got a $900 fine and a month of community service for urinating in public...

If you ask me it was a harsh punishment for only a wee crime.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmt1lt/i_got_a_900_fine_and_a_month_of_community_service/
%
I just met a really mean potato...

...it was a dick tater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmsyeb/i_just_met_a_really_mean_potato/
%
So I had a vasectomy, which I thought would stop my girlfriend getting pregnant.

Turns out all it did was change the skin colour of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmssos/so_i_had_a_vasectomy_which_i_thought_would_stop/
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I am proud to say that I endorse podiums...

...finally, a product I can stand behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmsjmh/i_am_proud_to_say_that_i_endorse_podiums/
%
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.

I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmsegx/that_awkward_moment_when_you_tell_a_chemistry/
%
What’s a cannibals favorite dessert?

A danish...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmsdou/whats_a_cannibals_favorite_dessert/
%
An Old Woman In a Nursing Home Finds A Nurse Having Sex With Her Boyfriend In Her Room

Like some real, wild, kinky stuff. The young woman’s legs were behind her head as her boyfriend went to town.
Caught in the act, the two stop, and the nurse begs the old woman not to tell. “Please! You know they’ll fire me!”
The old woman stops and thinks. She and her husband haven’t had sex in years. A new position like this could really help get things  going again, so she makes the nurse a deal. “I won’t tell, but you’ve got to train me how to do this, so I can try it with my husband.”
The nurse is skeptical, but desperate to keep her job, she agrees.
For months, the old woman and the nurse practice stretching. Finally after huge effort, the old woman manages to get one leg behind her head.
The two continue practicing. Month after month they work on it, stretching, training, slowly getting better. Finally, one day, the old woman manages to get both legs behind her head.
That night, finally ready to surprise her husband with her new ability, the old woman strips down and hops on her bed to get ready for when he returned to their room.
Slowly, slowly she puts one leg behind her head. Slowly, slowly she puts the other one up, too.
She hears her husband at the door, but in her excitement she slips and rolls on to her back.
Her husband enters the room and finds her in this position and says,
“Oh for godssakes, Margaret, put your teeth back in. You look like an asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmsd01/an_old_woman_in_a_nursing_home_finds_a_nurse/
%
Today I learned that cows can't eat the round bales of hay.

Because they need to have a square meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmrtu3/today_i_learned_that_cows_cant_eat_the_round/
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Slim Jim

Is just a short form for
Slimothy Jimothy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmrska/slim_jim/
%
The Greeks vs. The Italians

The Greeks say, “We have the Parthenon.”
The Italians say, “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greeks say, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”
The Italians say, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”
And  so  on  and  so  on  for  hours,  until  finally  the  Greek  lights  up  and  says....
“We invented sex!” The  Italian  nods  slowly,  thinks,  and  replies,
“That  is  true—but  it  was  Italians  who  introduced it to women!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmrr15/the_greeks_vs_the_italians/
%
So my friend Sam got a job with a large oil company to work oil fields in the Middle East.

Once he got to his site, he found he was 35km from the nearest town, no one had a personal vehicle, and the crew was 100% men. All was well for a month or two, but Sam was getting very sexually frustrated. He asked another crew member what they did when they were so horny, and the guy gestures to the camels that were kept nearby, and said that’s what the camels were for. My friend was horrified and would not listen to the other crew member describe just how the camels were used. Another few weeks went by, and Sam began really looking at the camels. Most were smelly and huge, but there was one smaller female that caught his eye. She seemed cleaner, very docile, and had these long eyelashes, with a bit of a coquettish look to her face. Another couple of weeks, and Sam found himself spending quite a bit of his off time grooming and, well, fondling this sweet girl. One night the pent up frustration and easy availability of the camels finally convinced him it would not only be ok, but could actually be a beautiful, mind blowing experience. He brought a short ladder, and led the lovely young lady away from the pack, whispered to her was gonna treat her right, and set up his ladder. But as he began his foreplay, just a little tease with his fingers and hand, she bit, kicked, stomped on him and ran off. When the other guys heard the ruckus, they came running to find my friend, heart broken, bleeding and in shock at the rejection.  He asked the crew what he did wrong, and they said, “well, when we get frustrated, we usually just ride the camels to town.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmrhnd/so_my_friend_sam_got_a_job_with_a_large_oil/
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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmrf7g/an_elderly_couple_were_watching_a_discovery/
%
What is the name Tinkerbell’s Mexican sister?

Taco Bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmr9om/what_is_the_name_tinkerbells_mexican_sister/
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If you ever think that you have no purpose in life.

Just remember,  there is a guy at the bmw factory installing turn signals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmr23c/if_you_ever_think_that_you_have_no_purpose_in_life/
%
what did 0 say to 8

nice belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmr1mr/what_did_0_say_to_8/
%
What is a brush fire’s favorite place to eat?

Windy’s
I apologize. I’m from California.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqz89/what_is_a_brush_fires_favorite_place_to_eat/
%
What’s the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?

The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqz2h/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
%
I have a friend who is a Russian sounds engineer

And a Czech one too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqyuw/i_have_a_friend_who_is_a_russian_sounds_engineer/
%
I was complaining to my wife about our non existent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqwtc/i_was_complaining_to_my_wife_about_our_non/
%
Who designed King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqvl0/who_designed_king_arthurs_round_table/
%
Doctor to his assistant Doc: Put a sign outside my clinic that reads Doctor Smith Therapist

A whole day has gone by without a patient entering
Doctor: Did you put the sign outside like i told you ?
Assistant: Yes,but is Therapist 2 words?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqtzc/doctor_to_his_assistant_doc_put_a_sign_outside_my/
%
A boy and a Catholic priest go on a fishing trip

The priest catches a large fish.
Boy: *"Look at that bastard!"*
Preacher: *"Watch your language!"*
Boy: *"Sorry father, it's called a Bastard fish".*
Preacher: *Chuckles and says "that's OK then".*
The preacher takes the fish back to the church and hands it to the Bishop.
Preacher: *"Look at the size of this bastard."*
Bishop: *"While you are in God's house, you will refrain from such shocking language!"*
Preacher: *"No, no, no, it is a Bastard fish"*, he hurriedly responds.
Bishop: *"I see. Well it is an excellent fish and we shall have it for dinner tonight."*
The Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and takes it to the Mother Superior.
Bishop: *"Could you have this Bastard prepared for dinner this evening?"*
Mother Superior: *"My, what language!"*
Bishop: *"No, sister, that is called a Bastard fish."*
Mother Superior: *"Thank heaven! I will prepare it for dinner since the Pope will be  coming."*
They all sit down and enjoy a fine meal.
Pope: *"That was wonderful!"*
To that the rest jokingly replied:
Priest: *"I caught that Bastard!"*
Bishop: *"I cleaned that bastard!"*
Mother Superior: *"I cooked that Bastard!"*
Pope: After contemplating for a bit, the Pope leans back in his chair and declares:
>!*"You mother fuckers are all right!"*!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqn5v/a_boy_and_a_catholic_priest_go_on_a_fishing_trip/
%
What did the sheep sing to the sheepdog?

Do you really want to herd me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqlm2/what_did_the_sheep_sing_to_the_sheepdog/
%
Why do women have legs?

Have you ever seen the mess a fucking snail leaves behind...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqlj5/why_do_women_have_legs/
%
A teacher, a lawyer and a priest are on a boat...

The boat hits a rock and starts stinking.
The teacher says "Save the kids!"
The lawyer says "Fuck the kids!"
The priest says "Do you think we'll have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqg07/a_teacher_a_lawyer_and_a_priest_are_on_a_boat/
%
What's the difference between a boat and a woman?

There's a chance that a boat will go down on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqetu/whats_the_difference_between_a_boat_and_a_woman/
%
I've been investing in stocks recently

Chicken, Beef, Vegetable.....
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqeji/ive_been_investing_in_stocks_recently/
%
Which knight invented the ambush?

Sir Prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqdu0/which_knight_invented_the_ambush/
%
A young woman gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Unfortunately he was born without eyelids.

The doctor called a plastic surgeon who was able to take the boys foreskin and make them into eyelids. Baby is going to be fine just going to be a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqcic/a_young_woman_gave_birth_to_a_healthy_baby_boy/
%
3 men walk into a bar...

... you think at least one of them would have seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmqb7l/3_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
An old joke I heard from an Israeli fighter pilot...

According to him, flight school is hard. Most recruits wash out early. Some... Not so early. The training lasts years, and you can wash out at any time.
It was the last day of training, right before graduation, when the news came down, one of the cadets was being kicked out.
By this point they were all already officers, so they let him pick any duty assignment in the air force he wanted... Anything but being a pilot.
So, given the choice of any post, he considered a post at a large Air Force Base in the desert, with a pool, a movie theater, a gym... Or a post at a smaller base in a big city, where he could go out when off duty and visit the clubs, restaurants, and enjoy the beach...
Finally, he decided. He wanted to be a mobile deployment officer.
Shocked, they asked him, "Why? You'll spend all your time either setting up camp, positioning equipment, or breaking down camp and packing up equipment. You'll sleep in tents, and you won't even have a proper shower for weeks."
He smiled and replied, "Because thats where the surface to air missiles are. If I'm not gonna fly, no one is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmq0gp/an_old_joke_i_heard_from_an_israeli_fighter_pilot/
%
I was driving in the desert in my 1989 Jeep Wrangler.

I was going for a drive in the vast, dry deserts of Nevada. I had just gotten in a fight with my wife, and yes, I might have had a little too much to drink and a little too poor a sense of direction to be doing what I was doing. Cacti and tumbleweeds blurred past me as I tried my best to ignore the clunking sound coming out from under the old Wrangler's hood. One stretch of road blended into the next. As the road got bumpier, I realized I wasn't even on a road after all, but rather wandering the desert on an uncharted course.
*SLORTCH!* A sickening crunch sent me and my battered mount spiraling and screeching over the coarse, sandy dunes. Sand got everywhere. The Jeep rammed into a dune with a *THUD* and I blacked out.
*"FOOL OF A CROOK!"* I heard in a thunderous voice. I looked around, panicked. My legs were caught under some Jeep guts that had spilled all over me. I couldn't move. *"Are all you humans this stupid, or are you an extra rare shiny specimen?"*
"What?! Who's there? What's going on?" was all I could spew from my confused mouth.
*"I am Na'thwhqangq'yi, though those of your kind often call me Nathaniel. Do you not know what you nearly crashed into?"*
Still looking around, I shrugged. "A wedding party?" I offered. Out of the corner of my eye, a slimy silver snake slithered silently into view.
"Ahem. Do you see any extravagant mate pairings in the vicinity? You're hardly doing anyone any favors."
Staring into his beady little eyes, I was shocked to realize that the voice was coming from the snake! It seemed to be some kind of telepathic ability. Not only that, he had lowered his voice now that he was closer.
"Well, *Nate the Snake,*" I quipped, "it's not like you've exactly been handing out favors either! What are you, anyway? Some kind of Area 51 experiment?"
Despite the stupidity of my remarks, I heard something like a muffled chuckle. "Nate the Snake... I like that. What I am is very old, and beyond your mortal understanding. But I have been imprisoned within this serpentine body for the purpose of guarding the Terminus Obelisk. It is one spoke of a wheel that, when turned, will ignite ancient flames within this planet that will destroy everything on it. And above it. And outside it, in dimensions you cannot imagine."
"Huh... and what are the other spokes of this wheel? What does that metaphor even mean?" I asked.
Nate the Snake scoffed. "It's literally a wheel, pal. See that stick over there? In the mud?"
I looked over at some kind of branch-looking thing protruding from a mud pit nearby. A stick in the mud.
"I'm not your pal, guy! The name's Jesse. So... you're telling me if I had hit that switch over there, the entire universe and beyond would have ended?"
Nate nodded sagely. "A stick. A switch. An on/off button for existence, if you will, but more of a lever than a button."
I snapped "I'm not Will, I'm Jesse! Pay attention, geez."
Again, that stupid sexy chuckle. "Well I'm not Geez, either! Nate the Snake, remember?"
"Right. By the way, help a pal out and get my legs free, please? I'm not a badass snake like you. I really need to pee."
The car parts holding me down dimly glowed and were lifted from my legs. I thanked Nate heartily and tried to get the Jeep started. No luck.
Finding I was stuck here, in the middle of the desert, I did what any sane man would do: make conversation with Nate the Snake. I found out he'd been guarding this Obelisk thing for centuries. It really didn't look like an "obelisk" to me, though, so I just started calling it the Lever of Doom, and it stuck.
When I got thirsty, Nate was kind enough to lead me to a nearby spring hidden just under a dune that I would have completely missed otherwise. As I drank greedily from the spring, I talked to Nate about my life and my problems.
Despite coming off as a bit of a jerk at first blush, Nate was actually pretty interested in my life. Turns out women in lakes handing out swords is no basis for government, but ancient spirits in snakes handing out advice is an excellent basis for turning your life around. We talked for hours and hours about my wife, Jamie, how all the little times I pissed her off had added up, how she rearranged my things only because she loved me and wanted to clean up the place.
Days passed as I tried to fix the Jeep and failed. No cell reception. I had no idea where the nearest town was. Nate the Snake took pity on me and helped guide me to some wild berries that kept me fed near that mysterious hidden spring. We talked more - about how I felt I was at a dead end at my job, about the career I wanted to pursue and how my manager seemed so much more selfish than other managers in my division. We talked about his abilities, and he showed me some more of the mystical secrets of the desert. He gave me a killer flan recipe. It was all information that I would later take to improve my life immeasurably.
Eventually, I found out what was stopping the Wrangler from starting. With a few zaps from Nate, the engine roared to life.
"I'm going to miss you, Nate the Snake. I feel like we really connected these past few weeks."
"And I you," Nate replied. "But this needn't be goodbye forever. Return to this desert, take a left, then a right, and repeat. When you are wandering, when you are lost, you can find me and we can chat once more. However, you must promise ne that you will never tell anyone about the Lever of Doom."
I took his blessing and warning to heart. Can't believe I even got the old coot to call it the Lever of Doom, too.
And return to him I did. Over the years, as he said, whenever I felt lost in life, I would return to the desert, play the left-right game, and find warm-blooded counsel from Nate. He helped me find solace after my first divorce; he held me stable when the market crashed and I felt totally responsible for it; I bought some guns and helped him defend the Lever of Doom from void-faced legions from Hell. Nate became my dearest friend in life.
One last day, in my hairs of gray, I took one last drive in the deserts of Nevada. I drove my 1989 Jeep Wrangler, repaired multiple times over the years, like I had many times before. As always, I played the left-right game.
I was glad to see Nate's figure in the distance as my Jeep approached. Old friend, one final visit from me.
*Clunk!*
Uh oh.
That was not a sound my Jeep should have made.
I slammed on the brakes, but nothing happened. The engine roared faster and faster. I was directly on a collision course with the Terminus Obelisk! That stupid little stick in the mud that could destroy the universe. Sweating, I knew I had to make a split second decision... but I knew Nathaniel would never forgive me if I didn't do it.
At the last minute, I swerved into my dearest friend, killing him instantly, and yelled,
*BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmpyyj/i_was_driving_in_the_desert_in_my_1989_jeep/
%
My cartographer wife was worried she'd lost some important topographical maps

We looked all morning trying to find them. We looked high and we looked low. Finally, when all hope was lost and she thought she was going to have to re-draw them from scratch, I found some maps in a desk drawer I hadn't checked. When I showed her what I'd found, she said 'Oh, that's a relief!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmpx8k/my_cartographer_wife_was_worried_shed_lost_some/
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What do you call it when you cum on a sad girl?

A download.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmptrn/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_cum_on_a_sad_girl/
%
What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmptmq/what_does_america_have_that_canada_doesnt/
%
My son didn’t expect me to pay for his share of the prom night limo rental, but he asked me anyway

It was a bit of a stretch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmp6b0/my_son_didnt_expect_me_to_pay_for_his_share_of/
%
The slowest people have the fastest comebacks

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmp454/the_slowest_people_have_the_fastest_comebacks/
%
An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.
“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmoz2t/an_ancient_greek_walks_into_his_tailors_shop_with/
%
If New York is the Big Apple, then what is the Small Apple?

Minneapolis.
Uff da!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmoqfq/if_new_york_is_the_big_apple_then_what_is_the/
%
My grandpa claims that his was the first profession to go all digital.

He’s a proctologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmopol/my_grandpa_claims_that_his_was_the_first/
%
My friend asked me if my masturbation addiction got any better

I replied: no, if anything it got harder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmom8s/my_friend_asked_me_if_my_masturbation_addiction/
%
Iron man should have joined the London philharmonic orchestra.

He'd have made a good conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmolv7/iron_man_should_have_joined_the_london/
%
My girlfriend is always bossy during that time of the month

We do as she says. Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmolg1/my_girlfriend_is_always_bossy_during_that_time_of/
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What do you call a flying insect that's hard to get to know and spies for Russia?

Cagey bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmoj62/what_do_you_call_a_flying_insect_thats_hard_to/
%
Genie in a bottle

One day a man found a bottle, he rubbed it and out came a genie. The genie tells the man that he will grant 3 wishes but his sworn enemy will get double. The first thing he wishes for is 1 million dollars. The genie says ok but your enemy gets 2 million. His next wish was for 24 of the most beautiful woman, ok but your enemy is going to get 48 of them. Final wish the man says to the Genie “Remove 1 of my testicles”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmoj1y/genie_in_a_bottle/
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Guy I thought of a name for my “World’s Cheapist Whores” company.

Penny for your Thots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmod3g/guy_i_thought_of_a_name_for_my_worlds_cheapist/
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Coming up with a good joke is a lot like baking a cake.

I can't do either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmobxl/coming_up_with_a_good_joke_is_a_lot_like_baking_a/
%
I lost an eye as a child when a large book fell from a shelf onto my face as I slept.

I hold no remorse though. Ironically the book that blinded me taught me the very path to justice that soothed my anger.
Good old bble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmoaa8/i_lost_an_eye_as_a_child_when_a_large_book_fell/
%
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket agent, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."

She said, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "You did it last week!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmoa4z/getting_on_a_plane_i_told_the_ticket_agent_send/
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For sale: Beginner's level sketchbook of male nudes

**May contain traces of nuts*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmo9g1/for_sale_beginners_level_sketchbook_of_male_nudes/
%
Why do Navy SEALs fall backwards off of their boats?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be on the boat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmo003/why_do_navy_seals_fall_backwards_off_of_their/
%
Ever since Dwayne moved into the apartment above mine,

people tell be I've been living under the rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmnya9/ever_since_dwayne_moved_into_the_apartment_above/
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What do you call an erection at a funeral?

Mourning Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmnx5g/what_do_you_call_an_erection_at_a_funeral/
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My Chiropractor is serious is as hell

But he always cracks me up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmnuar/my_chiropractor_is_serious_is_as_hell/
%
What is the bwst time to go to the dentist

Tooth-hurty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmnopt/what_is_the_bwst_time_to_go_to_the_dentist/
%
What would a cow say if she hated something?

Moo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmnobt/what_would_a_cow_say_if_she_hated_something/
%
What do rap fans and classic rock fans have in common?

They both have to worry about their favorite artist dying before the concert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmnnjd/what_do_rap_fans_and_classic_rock_fans_have_in/
%
What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmnk0l/what_do_you_call_a_spider_with_a_cocaine_addiction/
%
What do you call a Russian Platypus?

A Blyatypus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmncep/what_do_you_call_a_russian_platypus/
%
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book.

That must be why everyone calls him the 'Supreme Reader'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmn9d3/they_say_kim_jong_un_has_read_every_single_book/
%
How do you make a weeb laugh and cum at the same time?

Ten tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmn69g/how_do_you_make_a_weeb_laugh_and_cum_at_the_same/
%
Ruth just dumped me. Told me I was too uptight. Well, now I'm

Ruthless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmn25n/ruth_just_dumped_me_told_me_i_was_too_uptight/
%
No one knowingly joins a patriarchal society.

They get grandfathered in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmn1gm/no_one_knowingly_joins_a_patriarchal_society/
%
Ford should manufacturer a sedan called the Ore

It would be the four-door Ford Ore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmmw9p/ford_should_manufacturer_a_sedan_called_the_ore/
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Two men are hunting in the woods behind the house of one of them.

One looks through the scope of his rifle and says to the other, "Your wife is in their with another man."
The husband says, "Shoot her in the head and him in the balls."
The other man says, "That'll be easy. I can do that in one shot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmmo93/two_men_are_hunting_in_the_woods_behind_the_house/
%
The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty.

The busser sees the entire table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmmmk2/the_optimist_sees_the_glass_half_full_the/
%
Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf..

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmmipu/times_are_hard_at_the_moment_for_people_on/
%
My wife is madly in love with me.

Things sure would be nicer if she were happily in love with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmmf76/my_wife_is_madly_in_love_with_me/
%
What did the particle physicist duck say?

Quark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmmeq8/what_did_the_particle_physicist_duck_say/
%
Whats long, green and smells like bacon?

Kermit the frogs finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmmcgk/whats_long_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
%
My first time buying condoms

When I was 13, I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful women assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me a package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.” So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. “Just a minute,” she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. “Do these excite you?” She asked. Well, I was dumb-struck that all I could do it nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on the desk. “Well come on,” she said , we don’t have much time.” So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.  She looked at me with a bit of a frown. “Did u put that condom on ?” She asked . I said , I sure did”, and held my thumb up to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmlzi3/my_first_time_buying_condoms/
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Everytime a pizza man has come to the door they've noticed the smell of the last pizza man and thus I've had to kill them.

An unfortunate Domino effect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmlyi6/everytime_a_pizza_man_has_come_to_the_door_theyve/
%
The Bible is 100% accurate

Especially when you’re throwing it from close range

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmlxv8/the_bible_is_100_accurate/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmlpp7/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmlp9z/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_a_dead/
%
What does a double sided dildo have in common with republicans and democrats?

No matter what side you pick your fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmlp04/what_does_a_double_sided_dildo_have_in_common/
%
What type of bird gives the best head?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmlnlp/what_type_of_bird_gives_the_best_head/
%
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmln8a/how_did_burger_king_get_dairy_queen_pregnant/
%
A boy asks his teacher, "What's a palindrome?"

"A racecar," replies his teacher.
*20 years later*
The boy bursts out of a bank wearing a ski mask and with bags of money in his hands. "Where is the palindrome?" he asks his getaway driver, who was sitting in a kayak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmlkz0/a_boy_asks_his_teacher_whats_a_palindrome/
%
Why did Ms. Piggy cough?

She had a little frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmlgmx/why_did_ms_piggy_cough/
%
My wife accused me of being too childish.

So I told her to get out of my pillow fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmlg2r/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_too_childish/
%
When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmlenr/when_wearing_a_bikini_women_reveals_96_of_their/
%
I went to get tornado insurance for my campsite, but the company refused.

They said, “If your tent gets blown off, you won’t be covered.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dml96o/i_went_to_get_tornado_insurance_for_my_campsite/
%
The interviewer asked him to follow one rule.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
“Have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”
Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You are a Disabled Veteran; you’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says.”For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dml6pd/the_interviewer_asked_him_to_follow_one_rule/
%
A man went to a conference in a rural town. On the way back, his car broke down.

Looking around, he saw a monastery sitting on a hill. He decided to ask to stay the night. The monks were welcoming and gave him a room to stay in. In the middle of the night, the man woke to hear strange, beautiful, haunting music. It captivated him. He lay still, crying for the whole hour in which it played. The following morning, he approached the head monk and asked "where did that strange, beautiful, haunting music come from? I must know." The monk refused. "I cannot tell you because you are not a monk." Disappointed, the man fixed his car and went home.
The following year he attended another conference in the same town. On the way back, he decided to ask to stay in the monastery again. He was welcomed warmly, given a room and awoke in the middle of the night to hear the strange, beautiful, haunting music. He approached the head monk again to ask where it had come from. Again he was told "I cannot tell you because you are not a monk"
And so this repeated, year after year. The man would visit the monastery and lie in tears as he listened to music. No matter how hard he pleaded with the head monk, he got the same answer each time. "I cannot tell you because you are not a monk". After seven years, the man decided that there was only one thing he could do. He would become a monk.
Seven years of monk training followed. The man then returned to the monastery on the hill and asked the head monk about the music. The monk said "it would be best if I show you". The monk brought out a set of keys. The first key was small and plain. The second was large and bronze. The third was even larger and silver. The fourth key was huge and golden. The monk led the man to a small, plain door and unlocked it with the first key. They passed through a bronze chamber, then a silver chamber and finally a golden chamber, unlocking each with the corresponding key. Finally, the monk unlocked the final golden door and the man discovered the source of the music. But I cannot tell you what he saw because you are not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dml557/a_man_went_to_a_conference_in_a_rural_town_on_the/
%
What do you call a team of DEA or Police who raids a marijuana grow-house?

A Joint Task Force

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dml43e/what_do_you_call_a_team_of_dea_or_police_who/
%
What’s the difference between Jews, Protestants, and Baptists?

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the head of the Church.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dml0ma/whats_the_difference_between_jews_protestants_and/
%
A guy sees another guy on the other side of the road and runs towards him

"John! John I havent seen you in so long, how have you been?"
"Um, hello, I'm fine thanks but who are you?" the man answered
"Well its me, Frank, don't you remember? We were in high school together!"
"Maybe, are you sure?"
"Yes, you've changed so much! You used to be fit! And you've even grown a beard, and is that a bald patch I see?"
"Wait a second, there's only one problem, my name isn't John, it's Robert."
"Damn you've even changed your name!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dml0i5/a_guy_sees_another_guy_on_the_other_side_of_the/
%
A blind man fell into a well.

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmkzqc/a_blind_man_fell_into_a_well/
%
I know a telepathic hooker!

She'll blow your mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmkwwd/i_know_a_telepathic_hooker/
%
What is the difference between flying pigs and politicians?

The letter f

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmknon/what_is_the_difference_between_flying_pigs_and/
%
A friend of mine lost his job in the mint factory

His wife went absolutely menthol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmkn4i/a_friend_of_mine_lost_his_job_in_the_mint_factory/
%
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one...

It's going to be a game changer....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmkmjp/im_planning_on_making_an_application_that/
%
When I was younger I decided I wanted a tattoo. My mother said, "Well if you're going to get one get one where it doesn't matter.

So I got it in New Jersey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmkhn7/when_i_was_younger_i_decided_i_wanted_a_tattoo_my/
%
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with "Star Wars".

I said:
May divorce be with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmkf55/my_wife_is_leaving_me_because_of_my_obsession/
%
I remember the last thing my brother said before he kicked that bucket.

He said I'm gonna kick this bucket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmkdbo/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_brother_said_before/
%
My daughter asked how to know if a joke was a Dad joke...

I told her when it became... apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmkc9q/my_daughter_asked_how_to_know_if_a_joke_was_a_dad/
%
But why did ET get stuck on Earth in the first place?

He left his phone home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmkbgr/but_why_did_et_get_stuck_on_earth_in_the_first/
%
What has two humps, moves slow and will spit in your eyes when angry?

My mother-in law.
You were almost right,
she has a huge camel toe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmk9tk/what_has_two_humps_moves_slow_and_will_spit_in/
%
Chickens are never virgins

They get laid when they're born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmk8yb/chickens_are_never_virgins/
%
Jesus wasn't a Virgin

he got Nailed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmjuys/jesus_wasnt_a_virgin/
%
Santa saw your Facebook posts this year.

He’s gonna give you a dictionary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmju1e/santa_saw_your_facebook_posts_this_year/
%
What’s it called when you kill a friend?

Homiecide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmjpur/whats_it_called_when_you_kill_a_friend/
%
Timeless Classic: What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmjf6l/timeless_classic_what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_two/
%
I asked the terminator why he didn’t upgrade to Windows 10

He said I still love vista baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmjc37/i_asked_the_terminator_why_he_didnt_upgrade_to/
%
Why do bicycles never go to parties?

They’re always two-tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmj5u2/why_do_bicycles_never_go_to_parties/
%
I jerk off in the shower so much

I get a hard on when it rains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmj3yg/i_jerk_off_in_the_shower_so_much/
%
Why do submarine talent shows have so much stage fright?

-it's just too much pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmj2og/why_do_submarine_talent_shows_have_so_much_stage/
%
What do you call a caring prostitute?

Someone who gives a fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmj0sw/what_do_you_call_a_caring_prostitute/
%
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?

“Please get in the batmobile”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmitmq/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_they_got_in/
%
What happens when the CIA goes to sleep?

They go undercover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmik64/what_happens_when_the_cia_goes_to_sleep/
%
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around.

It's amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmij6n/my_friend_got_bitten_by_a_snake_and_he_fell_to/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last as long for fat people!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmij4u/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmigre/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
Doctor: You must stop masturbating.

Patient: Why?
Doctor: Cause i'm talking to you dumbass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmigq9/doctor_you_must_stop_masturbating/
%
Guys, EA isn’t pay to win.

It’s pay to play

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmi8ui/guys_ea_isnt_pay_to_win/
%
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

It doesn’t cost $250 to get a lentil on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmi68w/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
Why don't they have music classes in Chinese schools?

Because it teaches kids to play band music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmi5mx/why_dont_they_have_music_classes_in_chinese/
%
I quit smoking for good...

Now I only smoke for evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmi4wg/i_quit_smoking_for_good/
%
What do you call hiking US college students?

The walking debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmi4px/what_do_you_call_hiking_us_college_students/
%
I'm considering a career in organized crime.

Which is best : Government or Private Sector ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmi0u2/im_considering_a_career_in_organized_crime/
%
(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”
The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.
The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.”
“Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”
—————————————
—————————————
Wow! Thanks for the award! First one. Glad you got a chuckle:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmhzqs/nsfw_a_man_walks_into_a_bank_and_says_to_the_the/
%
What do you call sperm's cells race?

Survival of the fetus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmhzgl/what_do_you_call_sperms_cells_race/
%
What are the Avatar elements?

Water, Earth, Fire and Lays chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmhsuh/what_are_the_avatar_elements/
%
I use geese to spread the right political messages

It's a proper gander

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmhs3l/i_use_geese_to_spread_the_right_political_messages/
%
A man is walking down the street when he sees an advertisement for his favorite boxer, Mike Tyson.

He stops and reads the text on the poster.
**Come meet Mike Tyson! First 20 people can get punched by the man himself!**
Knowing that he didn’t want to pass up this opportunity, he shows up to the ring, 45 minutes early.
The building was already packed full of fans waiting to see Tyson. Lines for memorabilia, autographs, and concessions flood the building.
The man looks around, confused. Not wanting to miss the main event, he walks up to a fan and asks where he should go.
The man turns to him, smiles, and says-
Punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmhrfx/a_man_is_walking_down_the_street_when_he_sees_an/
%
A mother ghost was putting it's child ghost to bed...

Mother: "I love you~"
Child: "I love you boo~"
Mother: "I love you more~"
Child: "I love you the GHOST~!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmhol6/a_mother_ghost_was_putting_its_child_ghost_to_bed/
%
Teacher : " Can someone make a sentence using the word 'dandelion' ?

Leroy : " Da cheeta is fasta dandelion" .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmhoak/teacher_can_someone_make_a_sentence_using_the/
%
I was exhausted after work today. I delivered a roll of bubble wrap. The lady said just pop it in the corner.

It took me 7 hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmhjbk/i_was_exhausted_after_work_today_i_delivered_a/
%
A Programmer.

Why are Programmers single?
Because they treat women like an Object.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmhgd9/a_programmer/
%
Boy: It seems to me you are really cute and funny

Girl: It seems to me you just wanna have sex with me
Boy:... And smart, as well.
Girl: *Blushes*
Boy: But not smart enough as to check your drink
Girl: *Passes out*
Boy: *Passes out*
Waiter: Neither do you...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmhdyk/boy_it_seems_to_me_you_are_really_cute_and_funny/
%
Why was the woman who stole the pair of breast implants arrested?

Identitty Theft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmhdc2/why_was_the_woman_who_stole_the_pair_of_breast/
%
I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmh9t1/i_was_having_sex_with_my_friends_wife_the_phone/
%
What's a demon's favourite kind of comedy?

Satyrical

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmh8b0/whats_a_demons_favourite_kind_of_comedy/
%
A fifty year old lawyer who has been...

A fifty year old lawyer who has been practicing since he was 25 passed away and arrived at the pearly gates for judgment.
The lawyer said to St. Peter:
"There must be some mistake. I am only 50 years old, and that's far too young to die."
St. Peter frowned and consulted his book.
"That's funny. When we added up all your billing records, you should be at least 83 by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmh4w9/a_fifty_year_old_lawyer_who_has_been/
%
I had to dump 3 girls, now I'm dating a girl from the zoo.

I think she's a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmh40s/i_had_to_dump_3_girls_now_im_dating_a_girl_from/
%
A man is sitting at the bar, his head in his hands.

Bartender: what's the matter buddy?
Man: it's the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.
Bartender: oh man that really sucks! What did you do?
Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out.
Bartender: what about your best friend?
Man: I looked him straight in the eyes and said BAD DOG!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmh3b4/a_man_is_sitting_at_the_bar_his_head_in_his_hands/
%
In a lesbian relationship who cooks dinner?

Neither one of them, they both eat out.
Sry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmh1d0/in_a_lesbian_relationship_who_cooks_dinner/
%
What does 6.9 mean?

Just another good thing ruined by period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmh17z/what_does_69_mean/
%
A blind man went to a restaurant.

“Menu sir?” asked the owner.
“I’m blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks.  I will smell it and order.”
The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath, “Yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.”
“Unbelievable!” thought the owner.
The blind man ate and left.
2 weeks later the blind man returned.
The owner, wanting to see how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, “Do me a favour and rub this fork over your private part!!” which she did!
He then goes to the man and gives him the fork.
The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says, “Oh, interesting! I never knew Brenda worked here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmh0w5/a_blind_man_went_to_a_restaurant/
%
What do you call a drone that looks exactly the same when you turn it around 180°?

A palindrone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmgyup/what_do_you_call_a_drone_that_looks_exactly_the/
%
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor…

… to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.
“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”
The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you.”
So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. “Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help.  Can anything be done to help me?  You’re my last hope!”
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, “I think I may be able to help you.
Do this.  Go deep into the forest.  You will find a pond.  In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log.  This frog has magic.  You say to the frog, will you marry me?  When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem.”
The man’s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.
He called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, “NO.”
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.
“WOW,” he screamed out loud, “This is great!”
But at 20 inches it was still too long, so he asked the frog again.  “Frog, will you marry me?” the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!”
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.
The man laughed, “This is fantastic.”
He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment.  15 inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog will you marry me?”
The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, “How many times do I have to tell you?…
…  NO, NO, NO"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmgy9l/a_man_with_a_25_inch_long_penis_goes_to_his_doctor/
%
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmgpct/if_you_masturbate_after_smoking_marijuana/
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A mom and her son are going to mass...

There is a new priest after the previous one was arrested for the sexual assault of children. After the mass the mom asks her son, “So what did you think of the new priest?” To which he replies, “He was okay I guess, but he rubbed me the wrong way.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmgg6s/a_mom_and_her_son_are_going_to_mass/
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A joke from the 1800s

" While passing a house on the road, two Virginia salesmen spotted a "very peculiar chimney, unfinished, and it attracting their attention, they asked a flaxen-haired urchin standing near the house if it 'drawed well' whereupon the aforementioned urchin gave them the stinging retort: 'Yes, it draws all the attention of all the d***** fools that pass this road.' "
Daily Milwaukee News, May 21, 1870

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmg8se/a_joke_from_the_1800s/
%
What's the scariest hood of all?

Adulthood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmg46o/whats_the_scariest_hood_of_all/
%
You know what’s great about being a skull?

You don’t need no body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmfzrl/you_know_whats_great_about_being_a_skull/
%
Wife to husband

Wife - What do you like the most: my beauty or my intelligence?
Husband - your sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmfzbo/wife_to_husband/
%
Why ants can't speak?

It's because they are mutants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmfy1a/why_ants_cant_speak/
%
What did the Muslim say when we got scared?

I’m sheikh-ing
^(I’m sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmfw02/what_did_the_muslim_say_when_we_got_scared/
%
Did you hear about the big fight last night at the Long John Silvers drive-thru?

Battered fish were everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmft6w/did_you_hear_about_the_big_fight_last_night_at/
%
What was the name of the brother of reddit?

Bluedit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmfqxw/what_was_the_name_of_the_brother_of_reddit/
%
A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmfqn4/a_sperm_donor_a_carpenter_and_julius_caesar_walk/
%
Just letting you guys know you shouldn’t drink and drive

You might spill your drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmfpgd/just_letting_you_guys_know_you_shouldnt_drink_and/
%
What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmffd7/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
%
What’s 69 times 2?

Dinner for four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmf9dk/whats_69_times_2/
%
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmf6rq/a_senior_citizen_drove_his_brand_new_corvette/
%
My freind.

My freind David lost his id yesterday.
We call him Dav now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmf6oy/my_freind/
%
The Real reason Hitler took his life,

He got his gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmf5av/the_real_reason_hitler_took_his_life/
%
From a farmer I know

A lady and her husband are at the county fair and they walk up to where the bulls are being kept. The lady sees a sign on the first bull pen and reads it: "This bull services a cow a week!"
"Hmmm" she thinks to herself just as she notices a sign on the second pen. It read: "This bull services THREE cows a week!"
"Wow!" She thinks to herself. She walks up to the third bull pen and sure enough it reads, "This bull services FIVE cows a week!"
"Honey!" She says as she calls her husband over. "Maybe you could see what this bull is doing to be this *active*."
"Well," he begins, "Do you think he has to see the same cow every week?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmf530/from_a_farmer_i_know/
%
My wife was so fed up with my detective obsession that she said she wanted to split up.

"Good idea" I replied, "We can cover more ground that way".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmf21e/my_wife_was_so_fed_up_with_my_detective_obsession/
%
Sherlock and Watson go camping

They set up their tent and crawl inside. At about 3:00 in the morning Sherlock woke Watson up.
Sherlock: Watson look up. What do you see
Watson: Stars
Sherlock: And what do you think that means?
Watson: Well it makes me think that maybe...just maybe... with a universe that bug we just might not be alone in this universe
Sherlock:
Sherlock: Watson you fucking idiot it means someone stole our tent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmf155/sherlock_and_watson_go_camping/
%
Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they had a fight and 71.
But it didn't stop there...
All the other numbers were scared of 72 because he attacked for no reason. They ganged up on him and sent him to jail.
But I was there that day, I saw 69 provoking him. So I went to the jail and demanded they set 73. I shouted "What did you imprison 74??"
They had no answer.
It was racially motivated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmewrg/why_was_69_afraid_of_70/
%
An 18 yr old son asks his dad “when you were young, what would have been the quickest and easiest way to save £250k?”

Dad: “pull out”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmewo9/an_18_yr_old_son_asks_his_dad_when_you_were_young/
%
What do you call an IT teacher who touches his student?

PDF file.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmewj9/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_his/
%
An old maid had a parrot who had a lot of profanity in its vocabulary

The only way to silence the parrot was to cover its cage with a cloth so it would think it was night time and go to sleep. One morning, the pastor comes to visit the woman right after she uncovered his cage, so she had to immediately cover it again. The pastor came in and heard the parrot say, “Goddamn, that was a short day!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmese6/an_old_maid_had_a_parrot_who_had_a_lot_of/
%
What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmequi/whats_et_short_for/
%
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.

The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmeptq/an_ego_and_a_superego_walk_into_a_bar/
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I couldnt believe it. Tears rolled down my eyes as I said, 'Its a boy'

That was when I decided to leave Thailand and never return

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmenm7/i_couldnt_believe_it_tears_rolled_down_my_eyes_as/
%
What did the seal with the broken arm say to the Polar bear?

Do not consume if seal is broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmekoi/what_did_the_seal_with_the_broken_arm_say_to_the/
%
Election and Erection are almost spelled the same....

They also mean the same thing... A dick rising to power

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmejaw/election_and_erection_are_almost_spelled_the_same/
%
I like my women how I like my deer

Usually found dead on the side of the road

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmeh60/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_deer/
%
“Nice watch!” A Jew said to the other Jew.

“Thanks!” He replied. “My father sold it to me on his deathbed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmeg8p/nice_watch_a_jew_said_to_the_other_jew/
%
Can I see that brochure you have there?

Yeah bro, sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmeasf/can_i_see_that_brochure_you_have_there/
%
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”

I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dme4u2/i_was_watching_porn_with_my_girlfriend_and_she/
%
A man frantically asked me the quickest way to the hospital.

I replied quickly are you walking or driving? He said driving. I said yeah that's the quickest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dme3ua/a_man_frantically_asked_me_the_quickest_way_to/
%
A man is pulled over for speeding

“Hi sir, you were going 68 in a 55”
“Do you mind editing it a bit so it sounds cooler in court?”
(Later in traffic court)
“Sir you were going 420 in a 55”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dme14b/a_man_is_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
My father was never sexist

He beat my brothers and I equally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmdzt7/my_father_was_never_sexist/
%
Love is like a fart

If you have to force it it’s probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmdyo3/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
Ikea shelf

Two guys are building shelfs for the others mom. After they’re finished, the other guys’ mom comes in and says: ”You managed to build them this fast? You guys should be proud of yourshelfs”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmdr7a/ikea_shelf/
%
So here I am eating a clock

It's very time consuming so I desided to spice it up abit and add some redbull to make time fly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmdqnw/so_here_i_am_eating_a_clock/
%
Donating sperm is more lucrative than donating blood...

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmdp8i/donating_sperm_is_more_lucrative_than_donating/
%
What's a Priest's favourite functionality of Reddit?

*show all child comments*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmdnjj/whats_a_priests_favourite_functionality_of_reddit/
%
What would you call drinks made by non-binary bartenders?

The Gender Fluids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmdi5w/what_would_you_call_drinks_made_by_nonbinary/
%
What do you call a Bee that is born in US?

A USBee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmddds/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_is_born_in_us/
%
If you don't like the way I drive ...

Stay off the sidewalk!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmdazh/if_you_dont_like_the_way_i_drive/
%
Which is the most slipperiest country in the world?

Greece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmda3z/which_is_the_most_slipperiest_country_in_the_world/
%
I have a question about butt plugs...

Are they always a pain in the ass?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmd95r/i_have_a_question_about_butt_plugs/
%
You may call me a racist, but

I won't tell jokes about black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmd48e/you_may_call_me_a_racist_but/
%
All I do is pay

"My family is just like a nation," Mr. Brown told his colleague. "My  wife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of  war, and my daughter is foreign secretary."
"Sounds interesting, " his colleague replied. "And what is your position?"
"I'm the people. All I do is pay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmd45n/all_i_do_is_pay/
%
A man goes to hospital for the results of his medical tests

The doctor says to him: “Ok sir, I have two pieces of bad news for you. Are you ready to head them?”
The man braces himself and replies yes. The doctor checks his notepad and continues. “Firstly I’m afraid to tell you that you have stage four cancer, it’s terminal.”
The man’s eyes widen in shock and he shakes his head in disbelief. “That’s awful!” He says. “Well, I guess my day can’t get worse, what’s the other piece of news?”
The doctor checks his notepad again. “Well, I’m afraid to tell you that you have Alzheimer’s.” He says gently.
“Well at least I don’t have cancer!” Said the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmd24x/a_man_goes_to_hospital_for_the_results_of_his/
%
Why are there two d's in reddit?

The second one is a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmcrbg/why_are_there_two_ds_in_reddit/
%
A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.
A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.
About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.
They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the redhead, and the bronze to the blonde.
As they placed the medal around her neck, the blonde whispered, " I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think the other two used their arms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmcoxj/a_blonde_brunette_and_redhead_were_standing_on/
%
what do you call a blind mathematician?

a secant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmcflt/what_do_you_call_a_blind_mathematician/
%
“Where did you go for vacation and how did you get there?”

Me: Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmcf7k/where_did_you_go_for_vacation_and_how_did_you_get/
%
A 4.0 Student

Was taking an ornithology course in college. The course was known for being very rigorous and challenging, but the student was confident in his abilities. Just before the final exam, the professor assigned a hefty amount of homework, due before the day of the exam. The student was able to finish the homework, and was still able to study every chapter in the textbook. Except for the last chapter. But, the student was confident that the test wasn’t going to be about bird feet. As the student walks into class on the day of the exam however, he sees that there are 30 or so black plastic bags lined up in the front of the room with bird feet sticking out the bottom. The professor explains that the exam will be to identify all 36 birds under the bag just by their feet and legs. Fuming, the student stands up and shouts some very creative profanity at the teacher and starts to storm out of the room. Just before he gets to the door, the professor shouts “Wait!! What is your name?”  The student throws off his shoes and socks, rolls up his pant legs and shouts “ I don’t know, you tell me!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmccvy/a_40_student/
%
The differences between a Girl friend, and a Girlfriend

Is the gap between them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmcbeb/the_differences_between_a_girl_friend_and_a/
%
Jewish coming out

Yosef walks up to his mother.
"Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul."
After a long awkward silence she frowns.
"Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmc21j/jewish_coming_out/
%
Student in a test

An engineering student was in oral test. The professor asked him" what do usually ride when you go home ?".
The student answered " the bus"
Professor :  cool, tell me what you would do if the weather is hot and the AC is broken.
Student : easy, I would open the bus window.
Professor : fantastic. Tell me the speed of the air that would come from outside if the bus speed is 60 miles per hour.
Student : dunno ... Professor gave him zero.
Outside : the student told his friend about what happened in the test.
Later, the other student went to his oral test with the same professor.
The professor asked him what do you usually ride when you go home ?
Student : my car
Professor: what if you car is broken.
Student : my father's car.
Professor : if it's broken.
Student : my friend's car.
Professor : if you don't have any way other than the bus , what would you ride ?
Student : the bus.
Professor : if the AC is not working , what would you do ?
Student : I'm gonna take my jaket off.
Professor : if it's still hot.
Student : I'm gonna take my tank off.
Professor : if it's still hot.
Student : take my pants off.
Professor : still hot.
Student : I'm gonna do anything other than touching the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmby23/student_in_a_test/
%
I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS

This one was written in Paris.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmbxqn/i_write_all_my_jokes_in_capitals/
%
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmbuu1/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car/
%
I recently found out that suicide by rope typically uses a running knot.

That's noose to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmbife/i_recently_found_out_that_suicide_by_rope/
%
I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly
Erika Badu
Vanilla Ice
Eminem
Rhianna
Green Day
Oasis
Nirvana
Nine inch Nails
Aerosmith
George Strait
Ilene Woods
Vince Gill
Enya
Yoko ono
Otis Redding
U2
Uncle Kracker
Pappa Roach
It is okay if you disagree just let me know, but first read the first letter of each line only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmb8ik/i_have_ranked_the_greatest_musicians_of_all_time/
%
I don’t like cocaine

I just like the way it smells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmb7ih/i_dont_like_cocaine/
%
My Girlfriend is leaving me after learning that I spent our life savings on a penis extension.

She said that she could not take it any longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmb6aw/my_girlfriend_is_leaving_me_after_learning_that_i/
%
Did y’all hear about the new Exorcist movie? Apparently there’s a twist.

The devil comes to take the priest out of the kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmb6am/did_yall_hear_about_the_new_exorcist_movie/
%
What is the name of the city ruled by clowns?

Honk-honk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmb2bn/what_is_the_name_of_the_city_ruled_by_clowns/
%
This year for Halloween, I’m dressing up as the scariest thing I can imagine

Myself, but more successful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmaxi0/this_year_for_halloween_im_dressing_up_as_the/
%
I have known my girlfriend, Edith, for three years now and today I finally bought her a gold ring for our anniversary.

Edith: wow thank you, that is my first gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmatqt/i_have_known_my_girlfriend_edith_for_three_years/
%
Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?

Because you can’t see in the dark.
Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmatjs/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
%
A blind man walked into a bar

And a table, and a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmaq5y/a_blind_man_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Once upon a time, three brothers named...

Fart, Shut Up, and Respect robbed a bank together. Fart was unlucky and got caught, so Shut Up and Respect decided to try to bail him out of jail. They went to the prison, but Respect was tired; he stayed in the car, so Shut Up went to talk to the guard. The guard said,
“What are you here for?”
so Shut Up says, “To release Fart.”
The guard then says, “Umm... ok. So what’s your name?”
“Shut Up.”
The guard, bewildered, says,”Hey,hey,hey, watch it! Where’s your respect?”
So Shut Up says, “In the car.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmaf6c/once_upon_a_time_three_brothers_named/
%
What do you call a pig that knows karate?

Pork chop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmabm9/what_do_you_call_a_pig_that_knows_karate/
%
Arguing about math really gets me off.

I guess I just like math-debating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dma1vk/arguing_about_math_really_gets_me_off/
%
This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.
It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good.
Unfortunately, it takes him a while to gather the medicines he thinks he might need and the checkout line is longer than normal. He buys some cold medicine, some pain killers and some cough drops for the next day.
When he is finally done, he heads home. It is now quite dark and a chill has set in so he is not in the best of spirits.
When he makes it back to the graveyard, a cloud passes in front of the moon. Luckily he knows the graveyard well and can navigate it without a problem.
It's quiet and he hears a noise behind him.
thump thump thump
He looks around but can't see anything in the dark. He quickens his pace.
He hears the sound again, but louder.
THUMP THUMP THUMP
He is genuinely frightened now and starts to run.
The sound grows louder still.
###THUMP THUMP THUMP
As he's running, he glances back and the moon emerges from behind the clouds. To his horror, he sees a coffin, standing on end, bounding towards him.
##THUMP THUMP THUMP
He breaks into a sprint and slams the gate to his yard shut as he passes by. The coffin breaks through the gate, unhindered.
#THUMP THUMP THUMP
He slams the door to his house and frantically locks it. The coffin breaks down the door.
#THUMP THUMP THUMP
He scrambles to the end of the room and knocks a table over to block it's path. The coffin breaks through the table.
#THUMP THUMP THUMP
He cowers against the wall, sure that his fate is sealed. In a last ditch effort, he tosses the cough drops at it.
And the coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dma10b/this_is_the_only_joke_i_know_spooktober/
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Do you want me to look into your eyes when you put it in my mouth?

**Officer:** Ma'am, please... just blow into the breathalyzer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm9wc8/do_you_want_me_to_look_into_your_eyes_when_you/
%
What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm9u7i/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
I just saw my wife walking round in her sexiest underwear,which can mean only one thing.

It's Laundry Day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm9tbv/i_just_saw_my_wife_walking_round_in_her_sexiest/
%
What do you call a Native American who cooks?

A Sioux Chef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm9qj9/what_do_you_call_a_native_american_who_cooks/
%
I asked a French man if he played video games

He said, "Wii"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm9p9y/i_asked_a_french_man_if_he_played_video_games/
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In the spirit of halloween, I would like to clarify that my penis is NOT tiny.

It's fun size.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm9oq0/in_the_spirit_of_halloween_i_would_like_to/
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My day has been terrible.

Friend: What's wrong?
Me: My beer is frozen, my pizza is burnt, and my girlfriend is pregnant.
Friend: You can't pull anything out on time, can you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm9hrv/my_day_has_been_terrible/
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Why do hardcore kids wear camouflage?

Because they don't want to be scene.
If you were in high school in the mid 2000s, you get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm9g0e/why_do_hardcore_kids_wear_camouflage/
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TIL about a method of capital punishment called the Roman Candle. Victims were tied to a stake and covered in a flammable resin. The burning bodies would sometimes be used to provide lighting for evening parties.

Great idea; terrible execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm9fqz/til_about_a_method_of_capital_punishment_called/
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An atheist is fishing in a boat on Loch Ness

When all of a sudden, the Loch Ness Monster comes up and begins thrashing his boat around. The monster tosses him into the air. On his way down he shouts "God, help me!"
Everything stops. He is mere feet from the monster's mouth. Then a loud, booming voice comes from the heavens and asks:
"You have not followed me for your entire life and have discouraged those who did. Why should I help you now?"
The atheist thinks for a moment before saying:
"Look, five minutes ago, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm9ag5/an_atheist_is_fishing_in_a_boat_on_loch_ness/
%
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11

It was just a spare, I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm91c8/i_bought_10_asparagus_at_the_store_but_when_i_got/
%
Why do they only put 239 beans in each can?

If they put one more in it would make the beans too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm90e5/why_do_they_only_put_239_beans_in_each_can/
%
What do a vagina and a chainsaw have in common?

Miss by a few inches, and your in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm8u92/what_do_a_vagina_and_a_chainsaw_have_in_common/
%
What does oral sex taste like to senior citizens?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm8qat/what_does_oral_sex_taste_like_to_senior_citizens/
%
Kid: Dad I can't sleep

**Dad:** Why not?
**Kid:** There's a monster under my bed.
**Dad:** *[looks under bed]* OMG yes!
**Kid:** Well, I drank the whole can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm8n6c/kid_dad_i_cant_sleep/
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One of my dads favorite jokes....

A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in San Antonio."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down to see how things went.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?"
"$101,237.64"
"What the hell did you sell?!?"
"First I sold him a bag of #8 fish hooks, then I sold him a bag of #1 fish hooks, then I sold him a set of lures. I then sold him a new fishing rod. After I asked where he was going fishing and he told me he was going to the coast, I told him he would be best off with a boat, so I brought him over to the sea craft department and sold him that 24' twin engine Yamaha. He was doubtful that his Silverado could manage it, so I took him down to automotive and got set him up with the 4x4 F350."
"A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm8bz6/one_of_my_dads_favorite_jokes/
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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, “What are you doing?”
She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going,he replies,
“I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm7zd4/a_man_walks_into_his_bedroom_and_sees_his_wife/
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How much to buy a singing ensemble?

"You mean a choir?"
Fine... how much to **acquire** a singing ensemble?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm7ql0/how_much_to_buy_a_singing_ensemble/
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A mad scientist walks into a bar..

..carrying 3 glass jars.
He puts the jars on the bar and says to the barman, "I have created life! Here, I have 3 jars, one containing Ice, one containing Water, and one containing Steam. They are all alive!".
The barman laughs and says, "ok, prove it then".
The mad scientist says, "They can't read, write or speak, yet, but they can understand jokes."
The barman, thinking this guy is a total nut job, plays along. "Alright then, let me tell them a joke!".
The barman tells a reasonably funny joke, and miraculously laughter can be heard coming from the ice and water jars.
"Oh my god!" Says the barman. "They are alive!"
"Yes, I told you, I have created life!" says the mad scientist.
"Ok" says the barman, "but why didn't the steam laugh? Did it not like my joke?"
"Oh" says the mad scientist, "that's not a laughing matter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm7ox5/a_mad_scientist_walks_into_a_bar/
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Berry good

Two guys were arguing over the best way to grow strawberries.  One asserted that Miracle-Gro was the best method, the other insisted that cow manure would yield the largest and sweetest berries.  They finally decided to ask Mrs. Thompson, who was known far and wide for her succulent, large strawberries.  So one farmer says “Mrs. Thompson, do you put cow manure on your strawberries.”  She replied, “No, I either eat them plain or add sugar and cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm7mvb/berry_good/
%
What happens when somebody steals your heart?

They get cardiac arrested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm7lhi/what_happens_when_somebody_steals_your_heart/
%
Geology rocks...

But Geography is where it's at!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm7hqs/geology_rocks/
%
I'm so good at being interrogated.

I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm7gnd/im_so_good_at_being_interrogated/
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What’s the greatest sci-fi show? Well subjectively it’s doctor who

But objectively it’s doctor whom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm7boj/whats_the_greatest_scifi_show_well_subjectively/
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it's diameter?

Pumpkin π

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm74to/what_do_you_get_if_you_divide_the_circumference/
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Contagious

Little Jimmy was in school the next day and his teacher told the class they were going to focus on a new word for the day: "Contagious".
The teacher gave the class ten minutes to come up with a sentence containing the word of the day. When time was up, she asked them each to come up and read out their sentence.
Little Jenny said: "Last year I had the chicken pox, I couldn't play with my friends because it was very contagious".
Well done Jenny" said the teacher, "Very good".
Little Brian got up and said: "My brother Liam had nits in his hair, he couldn't go to school as it was so contagious!"
"That's perfect Brian" says the teacher.
Up steps Little Jimmy and says "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush. My dad says its gonna take the contagious”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm6puj/contagious/
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Everything was going great with me and my girlfriend until she told me she used to be a Christian. I wouldn't put up with it, so I dumped her.

Call me judgmental all you want, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm6l6t/everything_was_going_great_with_me_and_my/
%
What does a fencer do on social media?

Riposte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm6jta/what_does_a_fencer_do_on_social_media/
%
Thanos came to Earth in 2023

seeking the six Infinity Stones. As he sat on a rock, waiting for his underlings to bring the Stones to him, three strange men arrived in front of him, seemingly out of nowhere. One wore a red cape, another bore a red shield, the third was clad in a red suit. They fought, and it was a bloody battle, but Thanos was mighty, and eventually took control of the gauntlet which housed the Stones.
As he shaped to snap his fingers, Thanos smiled, and slowly declared:
"I - am - inevitable."
Nothing happened.
With a look of surprise and fear on his face, Thanos watched as the man in the red suit lifted his right hand, revealing the real Infinity Stones.
"And we - ", said the man in the red suit, "are...
... the Spanish Inquisition."
And nobody, not even Thanos, expects the Spanish Inquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm6a7t/thanos_came_to_earth_in_2023/
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An Athiest in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm63qw/an_athiest_in_hell/
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And the lord said unto John “come forth and receive eternal life”

But John became fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm61qk/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and/
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A young man gets chatting to an old stranger at a bar. The old man strokes the bar and says, “I built this bar with my own hands”.

“I took the oak, I laminated it, turned it into planks, sanded it down and finished it. Am I known as “The old man who builds bars”? No.”
The old man stands up, “Come outside, young man.”
“Look at this stone wall. I built it with my bare hands. I collected the stones, stacked them up, and this wall has stood here for 20 years. Am I known as “The old man who builds walls”? No.”
The old man gestures to the pier. “Look at this pier. My father & I, we hewed these logs, we slung them together, we sunk the posts and built the pier. Am I known as “The old man who builds piers”? No.”
“You fuck one goat”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm5zzr/a_young_man_gets_chatting_to_an_old_stranger_at_a/
%
An angry wife tried to cut off her husband's penis

She missed and cut his thigh instead.
She was charged with a misdaweiner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm5xuc/an_angry_wife_tried_to_cut_off_her_husbands_penis/
%
to ride a horse or not to ride a horse

that is equestrian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm5xg8/to_ride_a_horse_or_not_to_ride_a_horse/
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A conductor kissed a girl on the bus

He was arrested and the police gave him electric shocks but it had no effect.
Because he was a bad conductor.
Sorry guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm5us8/a_conductor_kissed_a_girl_on_the_bus/
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Why did the CEO of Microsoft forget his car keys?

Because his head was in the Cloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm5tm6/why_did_the_ceo_of_microsoft_forget_his_car_keys/
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What do you call a hippie's wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm5q2j/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
%
The year is 2219

A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels.  As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year.  The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm5lae/the_year_is_2219/
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The valedictorian from my high school was convicted yesterday as an accessory to murder.

Everyone always said he would accomplice something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm53pu/the_valedictorian_from_my_high_school_was/
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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm4u1i/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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If two Egyptian pharaohs farted at the same time...

...did they toot in common?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm4rn5/if_two_egyptian_pharaohs_farted_at_the_same_time/
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm4pl9/jane_and_arlene_are_outside_their_nursing_home/
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Are you into threesome sex?

Then go to your girlfriend's house! You're the only one missing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm4n28/are_you_into_threesome_sex/
%
Did you guys hear that Old Navy has been using fake wool?

They can't pull the polyester over our eyes anymore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm4541/did_you_guys_hear_that_old_navy_has_been_using/
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For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm3x21/for_halloween_ive_got_a_job_making_plastic/
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Distracted driving can be very dangerous

It can hit you when you leas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm3usl/distracted_driving_can_be_very_dangerous/
%
My grandfather was looking a little down so I asked him what was wrong

He said he hadn't had sex since 1955
"Wow, that's a long time" I said
"Well I don't know, it's only half past 8" he replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm3qgy/my_grandfather_was_looking_a_little_down_so_i/
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The ladies call me Amazon Prime

because i cum so fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm3l39/the_ladies_call_me_amazon_prime/
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My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily
'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .
And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm3gye/my_lord_my_client_is_a_liftman_and_this/
%
I’ve been accused of objectifying women

public class Woman extends Person {

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm33g7/ive_been_accused_of_objectifying_women/
%
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover.  She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup;  buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.  As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm2t0d/a_man_wanted_to_get_married_he_was_having_trouble/
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When does a joke become a "dad joke"?

When is becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm2kbj/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm2kal/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm2izp/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
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A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor

The Monk says, "make me one with everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm2ia1/a_zen_monk_is_talking_to_a_hot_dog_vendor/
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What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?

PEW PEW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm22ls/what_sound_did_the_gun_make_when_the_priest_shot/
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What’s 69 times 2?

Dinner for four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm1xsc/whats_69_times_2/
%
Suggestions for Tesla sentry mode...

(based on a thread over in r/TeslaMotors)
Tesla Sentry Mode is the name of the car's feature that detects when someone is near the car when it is parked; it saves video from that time period and notifies the owner how many incidents have occurred while s/he's been away from the car. It also puts a message up on the screen on the dash telling anyone looking in that they are being recorded.
A person writes that they are Dutch, and had driven to Spain, where the cars are less common and a lot of people walk up to look. Those people were getting a message on the screen in Dutch, which they might not be able to understand.
So they suggested the message be put up in multiple languages.
Someone else suggested that the language used be selectable by the owner.
Someone else suggested that the language used be based on the GPS location of the car.
Someone else suggested that the Tesla neural networks do an analysis of an image of the face(s) of anyone looking in, discern their country of origin, and display the message in the language(s) most likely to be understood by that person.
Someone else pointed out that, if you just put "Fuck Off!" on the screen, that usually works...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm1uoc/suggestions_for_tesla_sentry_mode/
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Why don't they just build the wall out of Hillary's emails?

Nobody seems to be able to get over them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm1rzq/why_dont_they_just_build_the_wall_out_of_hillarys/
%
911 What's your emergency?

**Kangaroo:** I CAN'T FIND MY KIDS!
**911:** Did you check your pockets?
**Kangaroo *[pats pocket]*:** Oh... nevermind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm1n20/911_whats_your_emergency/
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I hate how politically correct things are these days. You can't even say the word stupid without people getting offended.

I started to tell a Polish joke to a group of guys and one of them said  "Hey, I'm Polish and that joke offends me!"  Fair enough I thought, no one likes to be stereotyped.  So I swapped out the word  "Polish" for "stupid" and started the joke over.  Same guy got offended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm1eks/i_hate_how_politically_correct_things_are_these/
%
My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.
As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and this particular snake was not.
Which would have been a relief, except by that point uncle Larry had died of a poisonous snake bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm17ih/my_uncle_larry_got_bit_by_a_snake/
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I’ve found out why I get downvoted so much

I’m just a hit in Australia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm16b8/ive_found_out_why_i_get_downvoted_so_much/
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Outside

So I was trying to tell someone a joke while on a walk, sadly they didn't understand it, then after we got home and went inside I tried telling it again. They started cracking up. I guess it was an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm14bf/outside/
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Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm0z5j/why_shouldnt_you_smoke_weed_during_a_thunder_storm/
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Two Stoners are walking down the street.

They pass a dog licking its balls. The first stoner says. boy I sure wish I could do that!! The second Stoner says you better pet him first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm0ybw/two_stoners_are_walking_down_the_street/
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I tried to eat myself

But eventually I threw up my hands and quit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm0x1g/i_tried_to_eat_myself/
%
I have a dog named Syndrome.

But it gets kinda awkward when he jumps on someone and I have to shout out, DOWN SYNDROME!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm0r2f/i_have_a_dog_named_syndrome/
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So 2 atoms were walking down the street...

One suddenly says: “Oh no, I think I lost an electron!”
The other one asks: “Are you sure man?”
He says: “Yes, I’m positive.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm0mgr/so_2_atoms_were_walking_down_the_street/
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my wife after 25 years of marriage asked me to choose my happiest memory, a moment when we were together

I said for god’s sake woman, make up your mind, which one do you want?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm0l7m/my_wife_after_25_years_of_marriage_asked_me_to/
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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store..

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.
They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.
At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.
The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.
By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!".
The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!".
The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm0kie/a_lemon_a_potato_and_a_pea_all_had_a_tough_week/
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A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old...

During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?”
“It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!”
“I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?”
Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, “85 years old.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm0ist/a_60_year_old_billionaire_marries_a_hot_24_year/
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What do you call it when you bang a vampire?

A graveyard smash!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm0gbm/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_bang_a_vampire/
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Two guys in a lunatic asylum

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum… and one night,  they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn’t dare make the leap. he’s afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea… He says, 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' but the second guy just shakes his head. He says, 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was half way across!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm0e8s/two_guys_in_a_lunatic_asylum/
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Whats the last thing they give a Tickle Me Elmo when he rolls off the factory line?

Two test tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm0did/whats_the_last_thing_they_give_a_tickle_me_elmo/
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Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?

Dunkin' Donuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm0cpk/where_is_a_basketball_players_favorite_place_to/
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Why did 11 eat 12?

He dozen like him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm03ki/why_did_11_eat_12/
%
Ted Bundy asks Jeffrey Dahmer you got any ice cream in the freezer?

Nah, just Ben and Jerry Jeffrey replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dm01uj/ted_bundy_asks_jeffrey_dahmer_you_got_any_ice/
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A woman is buying groceries

, she buys a banana, some milk and butter. At the checkout the clerk looks at her then the items in her basket and while scanning them says “I can tell that you’re single”. The woman smiles and asks “how can you tell” and the clerk responds “because you’re ugly”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlzxzt/a_woman_is_buying_groceries/
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If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?

Or a beet down?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlzxb4/if_two_vegans_get_in_a_fight_is_it_still/
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I hate when people ask how I see myself a year from now.

I don’t have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlzpuu/i_hate_when_people_ask_how_i_see_myself_a_year/
%
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.

It was the least I could do for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlzonl/i_spotted_an_albino_dalmatian_yesterday/
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Met this girl in a bar [OC]

She was kinda drunk and I didn't start drinking yet. I decided to bet her 2 grand that I could do 3 things she could not. She agreed.
I know I'm gonna get her. I whipped out my dick.
Now I'm out 2 grand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlzmox/met_this_girl_in_a_bar_oc/
%
Why do Asian women have small tits?

Because only A’s are acceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlzlgf/why_do_asian_women_have_small_tits/
%
They said "Do something you love, and you'll never work a day in your life."

It's true. I love masturbating, and I've never been able to find a goddamn job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlzkuf/they_said_do_something_you_love_and_youll_never/
%
What does a 747 sound like when it bounces?

Boeing Boeing Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlzgca/what_does_a_747_sound_like_when_it_bounces/
%
What's the most important lesson a which learns in school?

Spelling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlzfub/whats_the_most_important_lesson_a_which_learns_in/
%
I bought some shoes from a Drug Dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlz5a0/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a labrador?

A dog that scares the crap out of you then runs off with the toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlz1jl/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_pit_bull_with_a/
%
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlyzzn/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_he_dumps_his/
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Never treat a woman like an object...

It hates that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlyv7a/never_treat_a_woman_like_an_object/
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Why do people on r/jokes repost?

Shoot, I forgot. lemme find the original post real quick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlyspc/why_do_people_on_rjokes_repost/
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Why do Moon Rocks taste better than Earth Rocks?

Because they're a little Meteor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlysjo/why_do_moon_rocks_taste_better_than_earth_rocks/
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Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlyor2/astronaut_1_hey_i_cant_find_any_milk_for_my_coffee/
%
I didn't see you at Ninja school today

Nice work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlym7j/i_didnt_see_you_at_ninja_school_today/
%
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a new bulb before Christmas and another one to screw it up.
#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlygcc/how_many_brexiteers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?

Jesus says: take this bread, it is my body.
A hooker says: take this body, it is my bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlycre/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_jesus/
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What’s the square root of 69?

8-something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlybhl/whats_the_square_root_of_69/
%
I can see what's going to happen next year...

... because I have 20/20 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlyace/i_can_see_whats_going_to_happen_next_year/
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A man was speeding down the motorway...

When a policeman saw him and began chasing him in hot pursuit.
When the man saw the blue lights in his mirror he began to speed up, getting further and further away and faster he went.
The policeman finally caught up when they hit traffic and pulled the man from his car.
Officer: Why did you speed up when you saw me behind you?
Man: You see, I was married for a long time before my wife ran off with a policeman just like you!
Officer: Sorry to hear that but just because one of us is bad, doesn’t mean we all are. Speeding is still an offence!
Man: Oh, it’s nothing personal, I just thought you were trying to give her back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dly111/a_man_was_speeding_down_the_motorway/
%
What do people say when reading a repost?

I just Reddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dly0z8/what_do_people_say_when_reading_a_repost/
%
The color of the upvote is red, that’s why it’s called Reddit

*just a joke no need to get aggressive*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlxzqz/the_color_of_the_upvote_is_red_thats_why_its/
%
The people who create math worksheets are so lazy.

They create a bunch of problems and expect other people to solve it for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlxy9v/the_people_who_create_math_worksheets_are_so_lazy/
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What did Yoda said to Princess Lea after separating with Han Solo

" May divorce be with you "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlxpy6/what_did_yoda_said_to_princess_lea_after/
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Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" and I felt really special. Then, she asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said: "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" and i replied ''Okay!'' She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues all yelling,, "SURPRISE!!!"
...while I was waiting on the sofa... naked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlxnxb/why_did_i_get_divorced/
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I used to be a banker.

But I lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlxkbq/i_used_to_be_a_banker/
%
Do you know why, all around the world, parlaments' roof are built as a dome?

Have you ever seen a circus with a flat roof?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlxjlp/do_you_know_why_all_around_the_world_parlaments/
%
I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlxhz6/i_just_had_a_near_sex_experience/
%
I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious.

Laughing at my ex-pence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlxgsg/i_was_sorting_out_my_loose_change_when_i_dropped/
%
My friend is so environmentally concerned

she's started recycling throwaway comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlxem0/my_friend_is_so_environmentally_concerned/
%
A police officer told me once: "We'll never forget 9/11".

I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"
\- Jimmy Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlxc6o/a_police_officer_told_me_once_well_never_forget/
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The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlxbdh/the_sex_position_formerly_known_as_69_is_now/
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Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlxau6/finally_got_round_to_booking_my_laser_eye_surgery/
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I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland.

The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlx9il/i_once_attended_a_sermon_at_a_church_in_finland/
%
What's the fastest way to get from 69 to 96?

Get married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlx816/whats_the_fastest_way_to_get_from_69_to_96/
%
What can a goose do that a duck can't but a lawyer should?

Stick it's bill up it's arse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlx54i/what_can_a_goose_do_that_a_duck_cant_but_a_lawyer/
%
I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.

I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlx2xg/i_saw_a_cannibal_at_the_nursing_home_the_other/
%
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlx1xt/two_drunk_guys_were_about_to_get_into_a_fight/
%
Why do surgeons get so rich?

They always make their cut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlwyw7/why_do_surgeons_get_so_rich/
%
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father,may I ask a favor?’

‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’
‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?
‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’
‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her..
The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’
‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’
‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’
Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlwybq/a_young_woman_on_a_flight_from_ireland_asked_the/
%
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.

But I broke it off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlww02/i_used_to_be_engaged_to_a_girl_with_a_wooden_leg/
%
Alabama has the highest approval rating for Trump in the country.

They also have a law banning the sale of vibrators.
Apparently they can only support one dildo at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlwt2u/alabama_has_the_highest_approval_rating_for_trump/
%
Why are cannibals always so fat?

They can't eat healthy, they run too fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlwsqg/why_are_cannibals_always_so_fat/
%
I like making jokes about vegetarians...

but never about tofu, that's just tasteless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlwqrr/i_like_making_jokes_about_vegetarians/
%
At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a Dad and his 7 year old son.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”
Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlwe5u/at_a_family_breakfast_the_following_conversation/
%
What's the first reference to soccer in the bible?

"And then Jesus went up for the cross"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlwdny/whats_the_first_reference_to_soccer_in_the_bible/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breasts implants?

One's a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlw1so/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You'll get jurasskicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlvzzy/why_should_you_never_fight_a_dinosaur/
%
A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Five Beers Please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlvzl5/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why is 70 grossed out by 69?

Because his forehead smells like ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlvzg6/why_is_70_grossed_out_by_69/
%
A man walks into an unfamiliar bar on the countryside

and he orders a beer. Soon he spots a sign saying "make our depressed horse laugh, get 500 dollars."
The man asks the barman if it's true. The barman confirms. After which the man decides to give it a go and is pointed to the stables behind the bar by the barman. And sure enough; after a little while the barman and patrons hear enormous, loud, uncontrollable horse laughter coming from the stables. Soon after the man returns and claims his 500 dollars and leaves.
A week orso later the man returns for a drink and can hear the horse laughter, even before entering the bar. It's still maniacal, uncontrollable laughter as it was the week before. He instantly spots the new sign by the bar saying "stop our insane horse from laughing, get 500 dollars."
He asks the barman who points out they now think the horse has borderline or some other emotional dysfunction. But they are sick and tired of the constant laughter. The man once more offers his service and is pointed to the stables.
And sure enough...after a few minutes the barman and patrons hear uncontrollable cries and weeping coming from the stables as the man reruns, oncemore claiming 500 dollars.
The barman gives it to him and ask: "He's obviously sad now...what the hell did you do?"
The man answers: "Last week I told him my penis was larger than his. This week I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlvzaq/a_man_walks_into_an_unfamiliar_bar_on_the/
%
i knew this one guy who is allergic to masturbation.

last I heard he died from a stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlvwys/i_knew_this_one_guy_who_is_allergic_to/
%
What do you get when you put the Titanic with the Atlantic Ocean?

About halfway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlvtss/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_the_titanic_with_the/
%
What is 6.9?

69 interrupted by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlvq6x/what_is_69/
%
Dad: what mouse walks on 2 feet?

Me:
Dad: Mickey Mouse
Dad: What duck walks on 2 feet?
Me: Donald Duck?
Dad: All ducks, dumbass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlvojg/dad_what_mouse_walks_on_2_feet/
%
My mom and dad insist that i pay them for letting me stay in their basement

I guess thats why they're called PAYRENTS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlvjz9/my_mom_and_dad_insist_that_i_pay_them_for_letting/
%
Pit.

Not funny, I know, but it's deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlvg3d/pit/
%
Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does                                   Does
anyone                              anyone
believe                               believe
that                                     that
crap?                                  crap?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlve7k/experts_believe_that_having_too_much_sex_can/
%
1 1 was a race horse

2 2 was 1 2
1 1 1 1 race
2 2 1 1 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlvc2d/1_1_was_a_race_horse/
%
Went driving today and almost ran over a kid

He was fuckin quick for a 5 year old
I'll get em next time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlvbno/went_driving_today_and_almost_ran_over_a_kid/
%
I'd rather have my orgasm denied than go off early...

Cuz hey, it's better than nuttin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlvb0o/id_rather_have_my_orgasm_denied_than_go_off_early/
%
I got an advertising email saying 'Google knows maps backwards.'

I thought, that's just spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlvaz1/i_got_an_advertising_email_saying_google_knows/
%
What do you call a bottom that uses bad words?

A crass ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlv9km/what_do_you_call_a_bottom_that_uses_bad_words/
%
What's the best European city to 69 in?

Nice
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlv6fd/whats_the_best_european_city_to_69_in/
%
Why do people get horny around Ronald McDonald

Because you get more bang for you buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlv30h/why_do_people_get_horny_around_ronald_mcdonald/
%
Women used to call me Ugly until they found out how much money I make

Now they call me ugly and broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlv2ou/women_used_to_call_me_ugly_until_they_found_out/
%
How do you make 490 Roman soldiers laugh?

XD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlv23w/how_do_you_make_490_roman_soldiers_laugh/
%
Why do KGB agents make such good taxi drivers?

You get in and they already know your name and where you live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlv0hm/why_do_kgb_agents_make_such_good_taxi_drivers/
%
A Guy’s Dog Dies

So he goes to the pet store and tells the owner “I got $1000 and I want a pet like no other.”
The owner says “I got a talking centipede that likes telling jokes and going to bar.”
“Hey I like doing those things.”
Sold for $1000!
The guy goes home and asks his $1000 centipede “You wanna go to the bar with me.” No response. He assumes it is just asleep.
The next day he asks the same question. No response. He thinks he might’ve been ripped off, but he goes to the bar and has a fun time.
The next day he asks if he wants to go to the bar. No response yet again!
“Alright, I spent all my money on you so you better start talking goddammit!”
The centipede says “I heard you the first time, I’m just putting in my shoes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlusea/a_guys_dog_dies/
%
Someone should tell trump and his fellow Republicans that the constitution isn’t a bible

You can’t pick and choose which parts you want to obey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dluhki/someone_should_tell_trump_and_his_fellow/
%
A guy and a girl are alone in an elevator.

The guy turns to the girl and says, "Hey, can I smell your pussy?"  She gets mad, and says "Of course not, you pervert."  So, the guy says, "Well, then, it must be your feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlugbq/a_guy_and_a_girl_are_alone_in_an_elevator/
%
What’s the difference between a turkey and Turkey?

A turkey wouldn’t commit genocide against innocent people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dluf6c/whats_the_difference_between_a_turkey_and_turkey/
%
I got food poisoning today.

I’m not sure when I’m gonna use it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlub4f/i_got_food_poisoning_today/
%
How do you call a developer that hasn't had sex in a while?

Full sack developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dltqh6/how_do_you_call_a_developer_that_hasnt_had_sex_in/
%
Forest Man

A lowly farmer was farming and minding his own business when a worried neighbour came by to give him a warning.
"There has been a wild Forest Man seen in the forest. He has little beady red eyes, and hair all over. Be careful, he might be dangerous"
The farmer shrugged and continued with his farm. About an hour later, the farmer spotted a very hairy man, with little beady red eyes hiding behind a bush at the edge of the forest. At first the farmer was worried for his life, but noticed how this forest man did not move, but just stared at the farmer. The farmer thought maybe this forest man is not dangerous, maybe he could make friends with him.
The farmer cautiously approached the forest man (who was still hiding behind the bush), pointed at his farm and said "farm", he point at himself and said "farmer" then pointed at his hoe and said "farming".
The forest man did not move.
The farmer got a little closer to him, and again, pointed at his farm and said "farm", pointed at himself and said "farmer", then pointed at his hoe and said "farming".
The forest man remained behind his bush.
The farmer, feeling bold, got even closer, and repeated with his actions "farm", "farmer", "farming".
This time the forest man got up and pointed at the forest behind him and said "forest", he pointed at himself and said "forest man", he pointed at the bush and said "taking a shit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dltpv4/forest_man/
%
An uncle of mine used to throw a space heater into the pool to heat it up before he would go swimming during the colder months

Come to think of it, he only did it once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dltoyu/an_uncle_of_mine_used_to_throw_a_space_heater/
%
Anyone hear about the conspiracy theorist who died and went to heaven?

When he arrived, God stated that He grants all His children one  question.  The man promptly asked, "Who killed Kennedy?"  God replied,  "It was Lee Harvey Oswald, on the 6th floor, with his own gun, and he  acted alone." The man thought for a moment then disappointingly replied  "This goes higher up then I imagined."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dltlp1/anyone_hear_about_the_conspiracy_theorist_who/
%
A Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian walk into a bar

And had a wonderful time together sharing drinks, paid their tab, and left. It was quite pleasant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dltjkc/a_jew_a_muslim_and_a_christian_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why was the vampire removed as CEO?

He couldn't appeal to the stakeholders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dltiv7/why_was_the_vampire_removed_as_ceo/
%
My sister told me I couldn't make a bicycle out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face when i rode pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dltiiy/my_sister_told_me_i_couldnt_make_a_bicycle_out_of/
%
How do you titillate an Ocelot?

You oscillate it's tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlta8y/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
What's the difference between a Fish and a piano?

You can't Tuna Fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlt74z/whats_the_difference_between_a_fish_and_a_piano/
%
A few years ago, I used to live in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlt5g9/a_few_years_ago_i_used_to_live_in_a_houseboat_and/
%
Batman was my tour guide in Antarctica.

“What can we even find around here?”
“Justice.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlsr4g/batman_was_my_tour_guide_in_antarctica/
%
Kids are so ungrateful

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday and all he did is sit in his wheelchair and cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlsp67/kids_are_so_ungrateful/
%
My dick is like Hong Kong

It’s hard to control even when I beat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlsob5/my_dick_is_like_hong_kong/
%
A man with authority walks into a bar...

He orders everyone around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlsnjq/a_man_with_authority_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A Priest, a Rabbi and an Atheist walk into a bar...

They guy behind them says "You guys probably should have ducked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlsm0d/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_an_atheist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What was Jeffery Dahmer’s last meal?

Five Guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlsgm7/what_was_jeffery_dahmers_last_meal/
%
A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"
Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."
Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"
Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlsggf/a_man_was_sitting_in_traffic_when_a_cop_knocked/
%
Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"

Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"
Then he beats him to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dls0pv/jason_todd_walks_into_a_bar_where_the_joker_is/
%
Whenever they say "fire at will..."

I always feel bad for Will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlrq12/whenever_they_say_fire_at_will/
%
What's the difference between an oyster salesman with tourettes, and a prostitute with diarrhea?

Well, one shucks between fits...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlrkhi/whats_the_difference_between_an_oyster_salesman/
%
The other day, I finally asked my pretty amputee coworker out.

She didn't answer, I guess she was stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlrbbh/the_other_day_i_finally_asked_my_pretty_amputee/
%
A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.
One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.
One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professional. A real tiger. She had practiced several forms of law, including divorces. She knew all there was to know about the legal side of a marriage, and had offered to make sure both of them were protected.
One was an entrepreneur. She had started as a teen working in a bakery and eventually had opened her own, successful string of bakeries. She was creative, and sweet. She was in touch with her softer side, and he knew that her creativity would bring him out of his shell.
The last was a woman of relatively ordinary means. She was pretty, but shy. She worked in an office and enjoyed her sometimes mundane work. Her goal in life was to be a perfect wife and mother. She longed to help her future husband achieve his full potential as a human being, and then to raise children that would be strong and independent thinkers. He was 100% convinced of her loyalty.
He thought long and hard about his choices, he considered every aspect of each woman's strengths. After days of deliberation, he finally made his choice....
He picked the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlrazk/a_selfmade_millionaire_decided_that_he_was_lonely/
%
Some people are into canning this time of year

But I find it to be a rather jarring experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlrarl/some_people_are_into_canning_this_time_of_year/
%
I don’t get school shooting jokes

They must be aimed at a younger audience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlr30t/i_dont_get_school_shooting_jokes/
%
I had sex with a flame thrower

To be honest, it was kinda hot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlr20f/i_had_sex_with_a_flame_thrower/
%
Nobody believed the founders of Reddit when they said they were going to create a subreddit just for jokes.

But nobody's laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlr06b/nobody_believed_the_founders_of_reddit_when_they/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlqwe3/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_picture_of/
%
Where do Russians buy their coffee?

Tsarbucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlqtui/where_do_russians_buy_their_coffee/
%
Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

She stayed up all night, wondering if there really was a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlqggn/did_you_hear_about_the_agnostic_dyslexic_insomniac/
%
What would you call a black man walking on the moon?

An astronaut, you racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlqeix/what_would_you_call_a_black_man_walking_on_the/
%
What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't hear a vitamin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlqaep/whats_the_difference_between_a_vitamin_and_a/
%
What’s the difference between beauty and a Ferrari

Not everyone has a Ferrari

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlq3m8/whats_the_difference_between_beauty_and_a_ferrari/
%
Why is 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.
#
Sorry guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlq3g2/why_is_69_afraid_of_70/
%
A man lying in bed didnt know if he had to poop or pass gas

So he took a shart in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlpz8u/a_man_lying_in_bed_didnt_know_if_he_had_to_poop/
%
What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color

Velcro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlpy6s/whats_helen_kellers_favorite_color/
%
What do you do after eating vegetables?

Try to sell the wheelchairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlpx10/what_do_you_do_after_eating_vegetables/
%
President Trump just compared impeachment to being lynched.

If you are expecting an apology he will leave you hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlpmu0/president_trump_just_compared_impeachment_to/
%
My friend said nobody likes using space heaters.

I thought, that's such a blanket statement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlpma1/my_friend_said_nobody_likes_using_space_heaters/
%
Cowboys and Indian.

One day two cowboys are riding down a road when they saw a Native man with his ear to the road.
“These Indians are amazing.” Said one cowboy. “They can hear things from miles away.”
As they rode closer they heard the man began to speak. “Horse-drawn carriage pulled by two horses, one black and one white. It is driven by a man. His wife is beside him and a son and daughter are in the back.”
“That’s incredible! How did you know all of that?”
“They ran over me two hours ago.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlpko8/cowboys_and_indian/
%
What do you call a slutty mathematician?

A thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlpjh2/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_mathematician/
%
If you can think of a better fish pun

Let minnow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlpi5f/if_you_can_think_of_a_better_fish_pun/
%
What is Iron Man's least favorite operating system?

ThanOS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlphtg/what_is_iron_mans_least_favorite_operating_system/
%
What's the difference between a tea bag and a tampon?

You don't know?
Then I'm never coming for a cup of tea at your place!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlphb7/whats_the_difference_between_a_tea_bag_and_a/
%
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar

One turns to the other and says "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlpe6u/two_male_deer_are_leaving_a_gay_bar/
%
NSFW Two Rednecks See a Dog on the Side of the Road

licking its balls.
One redneck says, "I wish I could do that."
The other says, "Man, I think he'd bite you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlp3kt/nsfw_two_rednecks_see_a_dog_on_the_side_of_the/
%
Is hell endothermic or exothermic?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A+"
Credit: Quora - What are the most profound jokes ever?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dloy3n/is_hell_endothermic_or_exothermic/
%
What room do skeletons hate the most?

The living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlophf/what_room_do_skeletons_hate_the_most/
%
China recently tried to gain favor with the rest of the world by releasing a video of all their native bears, standing in a big circle, to show their repopulation and conservation efforts. Some people thought it was great.

I think it was just panda ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dloogk/china_recently_tried_to_gain_favor_with_the_rest/
%
I can’t believe people are letting fireworks off in October!

It’s scared the dog so badly he’s knocked the Christmas tree over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlooek/i_cant_believe_people_are_letting_fireworks_off/
%
What sound does a sneezing gargoyle make?

Stat-choo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dloo8p/what_sound_does_a_sneezing_gargoyle_make/
%
Irony is getting pregnant...

on a pull-out couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlomp7/irony_is_getting_pregnant/
%
You ever realize life is like toilet paper??

One minute you’re on a roll, next you’re taking shit from some asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dloki3/you_ever_realize_life_is_like_toilet_paper/
%
An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.  This being
the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed,
particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in
fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while
he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.  They talked
much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it.  It was hard to make the
decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The
wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me
socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlojil/an_irish_painter/
%
Roses are gray

Violets are gray
I'm color blind
And not very good at poetry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlofse/roses_are_gray/
%
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlob97/a_small_church_had_a_very_attractive_bigbusted/
%
If you ever see a really hot slutty girl, you should offer to buy her dinner.

Just some food for thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlnh3f/if_you_ever_see_a_really_hot_slutty_girl_you/
%
What is a foot long and slippery?

A slipper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlna9h/what_is_a_foot_long_and_slippery/
%
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention.

We were better than the Cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dln9pp/i_was_in_a_band_during_the_80s_called_the/
%
Drugs may be that path to nowhere...

but at least it's the scenic route.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dln74d/drugs_may_be_that_path_to_nowhere/
%
How do you get a big international company to kiss your ass?

By dressing up as Winnie the Pooh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dln6pk/how_do_you_get_a_big_international_company_to/
%
I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today

Never fired, dropped once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dln3f2/i_saw_an_ad_for_a_vintage_french_military_rifle/
%
What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlmwc9/what_is_brown_and_sticky/
%
Doctor, I keep eating while sleeping!

Well, yes, we'll have to treat you for omnombulism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlmime/doctor_i_keep_eating_while_sleeping/
%
I only have only one vice...

and that's to be screwed on top of my dirty workbench.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dllykg/i_only_have_only_one_vice/
%
Me to Doctor: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident. Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me:
No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dllxba/me_to_doctor_ive_hurt_my_penis_in_a_surfing/
%
What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dllorf/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_jesus/
%
69% OF PEOPLE

Find something sexual in this sentance and remaining 31% have had enough of fucking 69 jokes for one day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlllis/69_of_people/
%
A redhead tells her blonde sister, "I slept with a Brazilian..."

The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dllef6/a_redhead_tells_her_blonde_sister_i_slept_with_a/
%
First time

Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed.
Husband : What? You had three divorces before.
Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it.
Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it.
And the third was an engineer. He wanted to  re-design it.
You are from HR, so this time I know, I am going to be fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlkvt1/first_time/
%
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlkt43/im_beginning_to_suspect_that_the_tinnitus_hotline/
%
What did the sentient dollar cosplaying as Leia's mother say?

I Amidala

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlkn31/what_did_the_sentient_dollar_cosplaying_as_leias/
%
What do you call a sexy fish?

Succubass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlkm1s/what_do_you_call_a_sexy_fish/
%
A doctor goes to the same bar every day and orders an Almond Daiquiri

He gets to be so regular, showing up at the same time every day, that the bartender knows to make the drink and has it waiting for the doc when he arrives.
One day the bartender goes to make it and realizes he doesn't have any almonds. He does, however, have some hickory nuts. So he mashes them up and whips them into a daiquiri, assuming the doctor won't know the difference.
The doctor comes in and is presented with the drink. He takes a sip and immediately notices something is up.
"Is this an almond daiquiri?" he asks.
"No," says the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlklsg/a_doctor_goes_to_the_same_bar_every_day_and/
%
Did you guys hear about that sleepy motorcyle that fell over?

It tried to stay standing, but it was just two-tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlkjrm/did_you_guys_hear_about_that_sleepy_motorcyle/
%
Yuri and the ship

Yuri had lived in Russia all of his life, in a small town near Moscow. The town had horrible weather conditions almost all of the time and very few people lived there. Everyone living in the town was struggling to survive in such poor conditions. Yuri had lived alone in a small house in this town. He worked every day at a factory that was close to this town. It was hard work, and Yuri was never very happy with his work, but he kept enduring the rough conditions to be able to have an income. Yuri's life had been like this for several years, and he had endured many hardships during these times.
Every day, while Yuri was taking his walk to the factory before work began, he always passed by a large billboard on the side of the road. The billboard changed every month or so, usually showing an irrelevant advertisement for something that Yuri had little interest in. Today, however, Yuri noticed a new advertisement on the billboard. It read, "SWIMMING LESSONS" in large letters, accompanied by a picture of a large man swimming through the water. This ad had given Yuri something to be interested in. He had always had an intense passion for swimming, but it was always too difficult to practice in the frigid waters of the lake near his home. Yuri continued to read the ad before he finally came to the price: 5000 Rubles base fee.
Yuri was sad, because this was much more than Yuri could afford to spend. However, he thought to himself, "If I could save up enough money from the factory work, then by the end of the month, I should have enough..." After this, he decided that day that he would work as hard as he could to make sure he had enough money by the end of the month. He even had to cut back his food supply by just a small amount to still have enough money. Finally, at the end of the month, Yuri finally had enough money to be able to go to the swimming pool not far from his home where the practices were being held.
Every day after his hard work at the factory, he greatly enjoyed going back to the pool and practicing his swimming. He had started quickly and advanced rapidly. Everyone who frequented the pool to practice their swimming was impressed by Yuri's natural ability to be able to learn and adapt so quickly, becoming very popular with the people at the pool, his hometown, and even in Moscow. It was truly a passion of Yuri's.
A few months had passed, and Yuri's amazing swimming abilities had been noticed by people in places all across Russia, considering a swimming prodigy. Yuri was always modest about his skills, but was humble nonetheless. However, he still had to continue his work at the factory, and live in the same small house he had lived in since he was born. For him, swimming was the one thing that saved him from the cruel and harsh life he lived.
Later that month, on his way to the factory once again, he had noticed that the billboard he so often passed had changed once again. While it was difficult to read in the unrelenting snowstorm, he managed to make out the words "DIVING PRACTICES" in big letters. Diving was something that Yuri had also found to be interesting, but could never find the time nor place to practice properly. The pool he went to had no diving boards or excessively deep sections of the pool, so it was hard for Yuri to practice diving. However, this would give him another opportunity to pursue what he wanted to do. He looked down at the bottom of the billboard and saw something that, like the other ad, made his heart drop. The base fee was 7500 Rubles.
Yuri knew that it would take another month or two of hard work at the factory to be able to achieve such a high sum of money. The factory was beginning to offer less and less money to Yuri, making life harder on him than it was before. He had to cut back his food money as well to accommodate for this. However, Yuri overcame the hardships in his life and save up just enough money by the end of two months.
The practices were held at another pool not far from the one he already went to, so it was easy for him to practice both swimming and diving at once. He continued to master his swimming skills while also learning how to practice diving. Much like with swimming, however, he had picked up skills quickly, and it only took him another few months before he had mastered diving.
Many people had heard of Yuri at this point. Several news stories across Russia were focused around Yuri, who was considered to be the best swimmer and diver in the whole country. He continued to remain incredibly modest through all of his interviews. "It is only something I am fond of, a hobby" Yuri would say. "I still have a life in the factory that I must attend to every day. It is a hard life, so swimming and diving are what I use to keep myself healthy." Despite his fame and popularity, Yuri did continue to work at the factory day in and day out, receiving little pay and little food for all of his hard work. Despite all of Yuri's hardships, he continued his daily routine of working, swimming, and diving.
For yet another time, Yuri was on his way to the factory. The billboard had changed once again. Yuri anticipated something exciting on the billboard, and he was not disappointed at what he saw. "TRAVEL TO AMERICA TODAY!" read the ad. Yuri was very interested. He had always heard of America, and had heard nothing but positive things about it. The land of the free! It was a very exciting idea to Yuri. However, he knew that with ads like these, he knew they would come at a steep price. Unfortunately, he thought correctly. The boats that traveled to America were advertised as costing 60,000 Rubles.
Yuri knew that that kind of sum would come from only another year or so of hard work at the factory. The factory work had become increasingly more difficult every single day, with little pay, food, and free time. However, he endured the next year the same way he endured the previous years: with swimming and diving. It truly was his passion, and Yuri was not sure on how he would have survived without them.
Finally, the year had passed, and Yuri had finally saved up enough Rubles to be able to ride the boat to America. He climbed aboard the boat with all of his possessions with him, all managing to fit in one small suitcase. The boat was somewhat small in size, being able to house only around 20 or so people. The boat set sail across the cold waters of the ocean. About a day had passed when people had finally recognized Yuri, the famed Russian swimmer and diver. They were all very excited to meet Yuri, and had several questions to ask him about his swimming skills. "It is nothing much, just a passion of mine, that is all. It is something I use to endure the hardships and trials of my life..." Yuri would always respond to his fans.
One day the boat had to make a stop at a small island to fill up the boat's gas supply, for they had much less than they had expected to have. It was a nice, sunny day outside, and the water was said to be very warm. One of the passengers asked Yuri to show off some of his diving techniques to his fans, since they had time to kill before the boat would depart again. "Hey, Yuri! While we wait, could you show us some of your diving skills? I would LOVE to see them!" Yuri was hesitant at first. Another passenger asked, "And maybe once you have done that, could you show us your swimming techniques? The water is warm, and it would make my day to see them!" Yuri replied, "Well... ok, if you all insist I do it."
Yuri looked off the side of the boat. On the bottom of the boat, a balcony extended from the bottom. Yuri feared he might hit the balcony on his dive down, but everyone else assured Yuri that he wouldn't hit it in a million years. Yuri stepped up over the railing, onto the side of the boat. With the same skill that he had used so many times before, he demonstrated his graceful diving skills by performing his favorite dive he knew. His fans watched in amazement as his body twirled through the air beautifully, showing the same amount of skill he put into each of his other dives. As he dove down towards the war waters below, people watched and expected for Yuri to land smoothly in the water.
Unfortunately, Yuri never landed in the water. He landed instead on the solid, hard deck of the boat's balcony below. The impact sounded painful, and all of the spectators winced on pain over his fall. Yuri remained motionless for several seconds, and his fans began to worry. Many people were about to call for medics when Yuri managed to get up slowly. "Are you alright Yuri? That fall looked hard! That must have broken some bones!" Yuri, however, had barely an injury. As he had gotten up, he simply regained his sense of direction. This had amazed several people, as that kind of a fall would have surely broken any other person's bones, if not killed them. Instead, Yuri simply stood up with barely a scratch, and waved back at the row of spectators.
"It is OK, everybody" Yuri yelled back. "I have endured many hardships in my life."
Note : this is not my joke. Read it long back on reddit but couldn't find the post. Fortunately, had it saved in my mail drafts. Feel free to link the original one.
Edit : found it. Credits to u/nittanysteve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlkj8n/yuri_and_the_ship/
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Which state has the most streets per square mile?

It's Rhode Island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlkgbc/which_state_has_the_most_streets_per_square_mile/
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Knock Knock. Who is it?

"It's the police. "
"What do you want?"
Police : "We just want to talk."
"How many of you are there?"
Police : " Two."
"Talk to each other then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlkeew/knock_knock_who_is_it/
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A woman is out walking her dog...

A woman is out walking her dog by the canal, close to the University. She decides to let it off the leash to stretch its paws. It's at this horrendous moment that it bolts straight into the canal and begins to drown.
Luckily, a German exchange student was having a stroll at the time, and dives into the water and rescues the poor dog.
Woman: "oh thank you so much, you saved my snuggles!"
German Student: "No problem. Just take him home and place him in front of ze fire. After a vhile, he vill warm up and he vill be fine"
Woman: "I'll be sure to do that... Are you a vet?"
German student: "Vet? I'm fucking soaking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlkadq/a_woman_is_out_walking_her_dog/
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What do fish smoke?

Sea weed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlk6b5/what_do_fish_smoke/
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Folks in my hometown are so judgmental!

I(40) tried to take my wife(19) out for a nice dinner and everyone kept staring and calling me a paedophile! It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dljz9r/folks_in_my_hometown_are_so_judgmental/
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My son asked me what incognito mode was on his computer.

"I don't want you to know," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dljxxm/my_son_asked_me_what_incognito_mode_was_on_his/
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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."
Son asks " what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?"
Father :" It's called a burkha , it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face during a sandstorm" .
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son…”
"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dljtkx/a_young_muslim_boy_asks_his_dad_what_are_you/
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Studies show that keeping tropical fish at home has a calming effect on your brain.

It’s because of all the indoor fins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dljrni/studies_show_that_keeping_tropical_fish_at_home/
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A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"
"Oh yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"
Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down as if pouring from an enormous faucet.
"*Wow!*" the girl shouts. "Now it's *really* raining cats and dogs!"
All at once, the rain stops, and felines and canines begin pelting the ground from above!
"This is the devil's work!" cries the priest. "Quickly! Pray to God that this may stop!!"
Panicked, the girl falls to her knees and begins to pray.
"Hail Mary, full ofaaaAAAAAAUUGGHH!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dljpi2/a_girl_runs_under_a_church_awning_to_escape_the/
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3 guya are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp...

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dljnd4/3_guya_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/
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A girlfriend decides to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is...

She proceeds to snitch him out to the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dljjkn/a_girlfriend_decides_to_teach_her_boyfriend_what/
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I asked SIRI why I was still single.

So she turned on the front camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dljf85/i_asked_siri_why_i_was_still_single/
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I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5

She asked "what's that?"
I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dljdfw/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_she_wanted_to_do_345/
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A man walks into a zoo.

The only animal in the entire zoo is a single dog.
It is a shihtzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dljdds/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo/
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What is the speed limit of love?

68 because any faster and you eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlj81u/what_is_the_speed_limit_of_love/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead...

Were sitting in the waiting room at the OB-GYN. Each of them were pregnant and having a chat.
"I'm going to have a boy cause I was on top" the brunette said. "Ah well then I'm going to have a girl cause I was on bottom" the redhead replied. The blonde thought for a moment, then started to cry. The other two looked at her concerned and the brunette asked "What's wrong honey?" Then the blonde replied through her sobs "I'm going to have puppies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlj4po/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead/
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What do you call it when two short people do 69?

ea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlj0w5/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_short_people_do_69/
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What do your jokes and your mom's vagina have in common?

They're both old and overused

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlixt3/what_do_your_jokes_and_your_moms_vagina_have_in/
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My dad claimed he could jump higher than a 7 foot fence.

Of course he was right though, Fences can't jump at all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlit3h/my_dad_claimed_he_could_jump_higher_than_a_7_foot/
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A Man walks down to the lake and sees people being baptised in the lake

He was never baptised and wanted to see what it was all about, so he asked the priest if he could be baptised and the priest said sure.
The Priest ducks the mans head underwater and says “Did you see Jesus?” “No” replied the man
He ducks the mans head under again “Did you see Jesus?” And again the same reply “No”
For the third and final time he ducks his head under the water and says “Did you see Jesus?” The Man, now confused, looks to the Priest and says “Are you sure he fell in here?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlit08/a_man_walks_down_to_the_lake_and_sees_people/
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Dads are like boomerangs

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlirfe/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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Why is Saudi Arabia so late to givng rights to women?

Because they have been living under Iraq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlip9e/why_is_saudi_arabia_so_late_to_givng_rights_to/
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A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dliolv/a_cowboy_thought_he_had_100_cows_but_when_he/
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Has anyone had a 6.9?

The only thing ruining it is the period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlimbg/has_anyone_had_a_69/
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What do you call someone who blocks people on the internet?

The Chinese Government

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlihgg/what_do_you_call_someone_who_blocks_people_on_the/
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A Cowboy rides through the desert

For two days. He's hungry, thirsty and tired, his horse too. He sees a small town on the horizon. He finally reaches it on sunset and comes into the saloon and says to the Keeper:
"There's my horse outside, have someone give it food and water and comb its hair. As for me, I want a whiskey and a room to sleep. Make sure you wake me up tomorrow at seven o'clock, not a minute earlier or later, or I will shoot you dead, got it?"
"Sure thing, sir", answers the Keeper and pours a glass of whiskey. The cowboy drinks it and goes to sleep.
The next morning, the Keeper wakes him up at 7 A.M. precisely.
"You're a good lad", says the Cowboy, tosses a few gold coins to the Keeper, goes out, mounts his rested horse and rides away.
So he rides through the desert for three more days, he's exhausted as is his horse. He sees another town on the horizon, and gets to it on sunset. He comes into the saloon and says to the Keeper:
"There's my horse outside, have someone give it food and water and comb its hair. As for me, I want a whiskey and a room to sleep. Make sure you wake me up tomorrow at seven o'clock, not a minute earlier or later, or I will shoot you dead, got it?"
"No problem, sir", answers the Keeper and pours a glass of whiskey. The cowboy drinks it and goes to sleep.
The next morning, the Keeper wakes him up at 7 A.M. precisely.
"You're a good lad", says the Cowboy, tosses a few gold coins to the Keeper, goes out, mounts his rested horse and rides away.
He rides through the desert for four more days, he's exhausted beyond repair, his horse is so tired the Cowboy has to carry it on his shoulders. He finally sees another town on the horizon, and gets to it on sunset. He comes into the saloon and says to the Keeper:
"There's my horse outside, have someone give it food and water and comb its hair. As for me, I want a whiskey and a room to sleep. Make sure you wake me up tomorrow at seven o'clock, not a minute earlier or later, or I will shoot you dead, got it?"
"Yeah, I can provide you will all that, but there's one tiny problem", says the Keeper. "We don't sell drinks to Indians."
Shocked, the Cowboy comes to a mirror and looks into it.
"My god!" He exclaims. "That idiot woke up the wrong guy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dli3po/a_cowboy_rides_through_the_desert/
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Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlhy9e/her_wow_you_know_all_the_right_moves_in_bed_hows/
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You’ve heard of a 69, but have you heard of a 71?

It’s like a 69, but with two watching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlhtqq/youve_heard_of_a_69_but_have_you_heard_of_a_71/
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What is 69 times 2?

Dinner for 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlhlfx/what_is_69_times_2/
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Why did Chris Brown and Rhianna get back together?

Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlhkra/why_did_chris_brown_and_rhianna_get_back_together/
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My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”

I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlhfgd/my_girlfriend_was_shouting_give_it_to_me_now_im/
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My first job was working at a sperm bank

It was pretty good, until I got fired for drinking on the job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlhdqz/my_first_job_was_working_at_a_sperm_bank/
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The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.
They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlhdnt/the_local_ice_cream_shop_has_introduced_a_new/
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What do you call a gay white guy in korea

Cock-asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlhb70/what_do_you_call_a_gay_white_guy_in_korea/
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The real enemies are the friends we make along the way

Specially if you are a spy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlh8rj/the_real_enemies_are_the_friends_we_make_along/
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Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.
After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and kicks the first potatoe's bag, with the asian girl inside...
The asian girl, quickly respond the kick with barking noises: ruff ruff
"Oh... These are just a few dogs!", says the cop.
He then approaches to the second potatoe's bag, with the redhead inside, and kicks it as well.
"Meow... Meow", the redhead answers.
"Oh... These are just a few cats!", says the cop.
Finally, he gets close to the third potatoe's bag, with the blondie inside, and kicks it too.
The voice inside the bags respond:
"Potatoes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlh787/three_women_redhead_blondie_and_an_asian_have/
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As a man I know I have something women will probably never have.

Pockets.
Sorry. On behalf of all of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlh6it/as_a_man_i_know_i_have_something_women_will/
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What's the deal with babies?

They're up in arms until they're up in arms!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlh4ag/whats_the_deal_with_babies/
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A woman smiling

Not my joke but wanted to post it here. A bit dry but I find it funny.
At a bar a woman keeps smiling at a man. Finally the man walk over to her.
Man: I would like to ask you to come over to my place.
Woman: Are you trying to pick me up?
Man: No.  I'm a dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlh34a/a_woman_smiling/
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Why do you never see Elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlh2zq/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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3 gay men resting inside a jacuzzi

Then suddenly a condom floated...
The 3 gay men looked at one another seriously.
Gay man 1: Ok,Which one of you farted?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlgwdy/3_gay_men_resting_inside_a_jacuzzi/
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Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?

**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.
**Me:** What do you mean?
**Therapist:** There it goes again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlgvv2/me_sometimes_i_hear_a_voice_and_i_think_it_might/
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I'm still having sex at 82!

I live at 86. so it's only a couple of houses down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlgudq/im_still_having_sex_at_82/
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I farted a joke.

It smelled funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlgu7f/i_farted_a_joke/
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A Man and a woman met on top of a building.

Man: I just discovered that my wife is having an affair.
Woman: I caught my husband in bed with another woman.
Man: How about lets have sex together to get back at them?
Woman: Nice idea
Then they made passionate love.afterwards...
Woman: lets get back at them again!
They made love again for the second time.
Woman: Lets get back at them again!
They done the deed again and again to get back at their spouses. Then after the fifth time ...
Woman: Lets get back at them again!
Man: (looking very exhausted) I think we should forgive them already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlgpsj/a_man_and_a_woman_met_on_top_of_a_building/
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I don't like sex in the shower.

It's slippery, dangerous and one of the worst things about prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlgp79/i_dont_like_sex_in_the_shower/
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How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlgbv7/how_many_mystery_novel_writers_does_it_take_to/
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Why are military officers orders vague

Because they always talk in General terms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlgbg6/why_are_military_officers_orders_vague/
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Why are trains always put in insane asylums?

Because they have loco-motives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlg8xc/why_are_trains_always_put_in_insane_asylums/
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John( talking to his counselor ): My wife just hired a young,handsome and muscular man to be our driver..

Counselor: So,you're jealous?
John: No,im just wondering?
Counselor: Wondering about what?
John: We dont have a car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlg8sy/john_talking_to_his_counselor_my_wife_just_hired/
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Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl

When she noticed me, we went for a run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlg7j1/yesterday_i_went_for_a_walk_with_a_beautiful_girl/
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A Dirty Nintendo joke

What’s white and smells like Peach???
Mario’s Glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlg61o/a_dirty_nintendo_joke/
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Jesus loves all the children of the world

But then again, so do priests

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlg3pf/jesus_loves_all_the_children_of_the_world/
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A guy walks into a bar with an emu and a cat.

He sits down at the bar, looks at the emu and says "Emu, want a drink?"
Emu replies: Yeah I'll have a drink!
He turns to the cat and says "Cat, want a drink?"
Cat says "Yeah I'll have a drink, but I'm not fucking paying!"
The man orders 3 beers, the bartender says "That'll be $9.90". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $9.90 and hands it to the bar tender.
After the beer the man turns to the emu and says "Emu, want a shot?"
Emu replies "Yeah I'll have a shot!"
He looks to the cat and says "Cat, want a shot?"
Cat says "Yeah I'll have a shot, but I'm not fucking paying!"
The man orders 3 shots from the bar tender. "That'll be $17.21". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $17.21 and hands it to the bartender.
The bartender says to the man "How do you have exactly the right change when you order a drink?" The man replies "I found a genie and he granted me three wishes. My first wish was that whenever I have to pay for something, I can just reach into my pocket and magically have exactly as much as I need to pay".
"That's amazing!" said the bartender "But, what's with the emu and the cat?"
"For my second wish" the man replied "I wished for a tall chick with long legs and a tight pussy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlfwp3/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_emu_and_a_cat/
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How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb.

One to change it and one to change it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlfpn4/how_many_politicians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The lightbulb has to *want* to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlfl6c/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlfhks/i_was_feeling_bad_about_the_future_today_but_then/
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A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink and asks for his check.
Duck billed platypus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlfax1/a_platypus_walks_into_a_bar_owned_by_a_duck/
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An Airforce Pilot, Army Engineer, and Marine crash land in the rainforest.

They are surrounded by a tribe of cannibals and are approached by the chief of the tribe. The chief says they are going to eat them and use their skin for canoes, but they can choose their own method of death. The pilot shoots himself with his sidearm, and the engineer asks for some fast acting poison. Now, the Marine thinks for a while, and finally he asks for a fork. Even though the chief is confused, he is a man of his word and gives him a fork. When the Marine begins stabbing himself repeatedly all over with the fork the chief asks "What in the everliving fuck are you doing?" To which the Marine replies "FUCK YOUR CANOES!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlfawu/an_airforce_pilot_army_engineer_and_marine_crash/
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After watching me sign up for a Greek philosophy course, my dad said, “Did you know Aristotle said that we are what we repeatedly do?”

“Therefore, I’m your mother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlf9ti/after_watching_me_sign_up_for_a_greek_philosophy/
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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlf73p/in_a_trial_a_southern_smalltown_prosecuting/
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Have you heard about the deaths of a newborn, the elderly couple, and the mentally disabled person due to an elevator accident?

It's wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlf2vg/have_you_heard_about_the_deaths_of_a_newborn_the/
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What did the Hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blow job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlf2n1/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_palm_tree/
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Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.

Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dleyrw/long_john_silver_just_donated_us_one_of_his_crew/
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What makes a Pirate really angry?

When you take away his P.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlerp3/what_makes_a_pirate_really_angry/
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You know how to pick up a zoologist?

Send them dik-dik pics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlehl0/you_know_how_to_pick_up_a_zoologist/
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A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlecsm/a_girl_promises_to_teach_her_boyfriend_what_69ing/
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Such a Weird Religion!

In a feast, a Catholic priest was sat next to a Jewish man.
The priest, who wanted to make fun of the Jew, put some bacon on his dish and said:
\- Sir, would you like some of this bacon?
\- Thanks, but don't you know pork is not allowed in my religion?
\- Wheeeew, such a weird religion! Eating bacon is awesome!
The Jew also wanted to make fun of the priest, so he said:
\- This place is very good. You should suggest it to your wife!
\- My wife? Don't you know priest marriage is not allowed in my religion?
\- Wheeeew, such a weird religion! Eating women's vaginas is awesome! But well... If you prefer bacon, I respect your opinion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dle7tp/such_a_weird_religion/
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Why did the blind man fall in the well?

Because He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dle2hw/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_in_the_well/
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Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

Because six, seven eight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dldrpz/why_was_yoda_afraid_of_7/
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The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dldnol/the_sight_of_a_womans_cleavage_reduces_a_mans/
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How did Jesus pay for our sins?

With PrayPal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dld4ad/how_did_jesus_pay_for_our_sins/
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Why does Donald Trump hate the new Canadian government?

Because it’s a minority.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dld2lq/why_does_donald_trump_hate_the_new_canadian/
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I grew up with a friend who had an unwed mother with no money.

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dld2gl/i_grew_up_with_a_friend_who_had_an_unwed_mother/
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Why is Mr. T always busy?

Because he's always in the middle of something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dld20m/why_is_mr_t_always_busy/
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Congratulations to Justin Trudeau on the results of the Canadian Election

He always did want to be a minority.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlcjy7/congratulations_to_justin_trudeau_on_the_results/
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My wife left me because I do a terrible Arnold Scwarzanager impression. But don't worry...

I'LL RETURN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlchod/my_wife_left_me_because_i_do_a_terrible_arnold/
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How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

Because anywhere else it would've been called a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlc49s/how_do_you_know_that_the_toothbrush_was_invented/
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Teacher: "What's everyone's favorite letter?"

Student: "The letter G!"
Teacher: "Why is that, Angus?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlc1ux/teacher_whats_everyones_favorite_letter/
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How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the lightbulb in place and one to drink until the room spins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlc0f3/how_many_alcoholics_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlboa6/the_pastor_entered_his_donkey_in_a_race_and_it_won/
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Why did the priest learn guitar?

So he could finger A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlbmsq/why_did_the_priest_learn_guitar/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish?

Zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlb6oq/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
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Occasionally, I’ll have sex with my wife when she’s menstruating . . . Or should I say . . .

Periodically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlb1bm/occasionally_ill_have_sex_with_my_wife_when_shes/
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The F in China stands for freedom

Friend: There isn't a F in China
Me: Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlazus/the_f_in_china_stands_for_freedom/
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My Mexican friend had twin boys and couldn't come up with names..

I suggested Juan and Two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlap0s/my_mexican_friend_had_twin_boys_and_couldnt_come/
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3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.

The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one’s attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try, gets 800 metres, tires, and swims back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlao5l/3_women_of_different_hair_colours_get_shipwrecked/
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Why does nobody ever tell Jonestown Massacre jokes?

... because the punchlines are too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlamjb/why_does_nobody_ever_tell_jonestown_massacre_jokes/
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Which knight came up with idea for the round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlakte/which_knight_came_up_with_idea_for_the_round_table/
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You won't get this joke.

It's mine. You can't have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlahl8/you_wont_get_this_joke/
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Yo momma so fat

You took a picture of her on an empty sd card and it said memory full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dlac54/yo_momma_so_fat/
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What song is the anthem of Anti-Vaxxers?

Down With The Sickness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dla48s/what_song_is_the_anthem_of_antivaxxers/
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So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.

Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in,with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then asks the lizard what the hell is wrong with him and he tells the alligator about him and the owl smoking weed in the tree together. So the alligator walks over to the tree to give the owl a piece of his mind, and when he gets to the tree he yells up at the owl, the owl looks down and rubs his eyes and says WOOOO MAN HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dla1nx/so_theres_an_owl_and_a_lizard_smoking_weed/
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[garden of eden]

**Snake:** Pssst! want an apple?
**Eve:** No thanks, I do not sin.
**Snake:** What's the length of the opposite side of a 30° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20?
**Eve:** 10
**Snake:** Thanksss
**Adam:** How did you calculate that?
**Eve:** Oh no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl9wll/garden_of_eden/
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I was sexually active at 12

It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl9ua1/i_was_sexually_active_at_12/
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#2857: Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells:
"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl9r3e/2857_two_priests_are_in_a_shower/
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knock knock

Who’s there?
Control freak
Con...
Okay, now you say control freak who

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl9pnr/knock_knock/
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I accidentally took my cats medication today.

Don't ask me'ow I did it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl9mdh/i_accidentally_took_my_cats_medication_today/
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Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor ae his assistant?

He had a hunch about him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl9jo5/why_did_dr_frankenstein_hire_igor_ae_his_assistant/
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Why are cemeteries the best place to write a story?

Because they have so many plots in them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl9ix7/why_are_cemeteries_the_best_place_to_write_a_story/
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What is the smartest monster?

Frank-Einstein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl9hul/what_is_the_smartest_monster/
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If storks bring human babies, what brings giant babies?

Cranes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl9hcb/if_storks_bring_human_babies_what_brings_giant/
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My girlfriend asked me why I work at the bakery if I don't enjoy it.

I told her it's because I knead the dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl9gyc/my_girlfriend_asked_me_why_i_work_at_the_bakery/
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Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl965q/three_dinosaurs_stumble_across_a_magic_lamp/
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Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.
One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."
However, two years had passed and he realized he was in love with her. Thus, he decided to refrain from speaking for three years so he could say "I love you."
Then, after three years he realized that he wanted to marry her. So he did not speak for four years so he could say "Will you marry me?"
Finally, after nine years had passed, the prince took the princess to the most romantic part of the royal garden, stood on one knee, and said, "My darling, I love you. Will you marry me?"
And the princess said, "Pardon?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl9320/once_there_was_a_prince_who_through_no_fault_of/
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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl8w43/once_upon_a_time_in_a_village_a_man_appeared_and/
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I had such a strange dream last night...

everything was reversed. Vegans were eating meat. Christians were having un-married sex. Bodybuilders were fat and eating junk food. And the weirdest of all I was getting laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl8qub/i_had_such_a_strange_dream_last_night/
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My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl8pdf/my_friend_jay_recently_had_twin_girls_and_wanted/
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Can some one help me write my girlfriend a love letter?

Is buttcheek one word or are they spread apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl8lwd/can_some_one_help_me_write_my_girlfriend_a_love/
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A recent scientific study reveals that women have cleaner minds than men.

This, scientists say is basically due to the fact that they change them every fucking 10 seconds or so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl8lbx/a_recent_scientific_study_reveals_that_women_have/
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What did the bee say to the daffodil?

Hey BUD, when do you open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl8hvx/what_did_the_bee_say_to_the_daffodil/
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A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl8bhz/a_bus_full_of_ugly_people_had_a_headon_collision/
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A girl asked me what it's like to have a dick

It has it's ups and downs
It's hard sometimes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl8bd1/a_girl_asked_me_what_its_like_to_have_a_dick/
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I organised a threesome last night..

There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl7rzp/i_organised_a_threesome_last_night/
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Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl7rrq/wife_i_shaved_down_there_you_know_what_that_means/
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What has 4 letters

Sometimes has 9 letters but never has 5 letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl7ov4/what_has_4_letters/
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I got fired from my Bingo Caller Job...

Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way you say 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl7k2g/i_got_fired_from_my_bingo_caller_job/
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A little girl went to her dad’s baseball game.

Her dad is an MLB player. He’s famous for bunting the ball. The little girl doesn’t understand. She thinks the point is to the swing all the way with the bat.
So, next time he bunted, the girl shouted, much to the shock of the crowd, “HARDER DADDY!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl7gs0/a_little_girl_went_to_her_dads_baseball_game/
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What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a Lamborghini?

One of them I don't have in my garage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl7dp5/whats_the_difference_between_a_pile_of_dead/
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I took a poll recently

and 100% of people were annoyed with their tent falling down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl75tv/i_took_a_poll_recently/
%
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?"
Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"
The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl7552/after_an_amazing_69_with_his_girlfriend_kevin/
%
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl73wi/what_did_the_boy_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
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People who confuse the words "Burro" and "Burrow"...

... don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl6vqm/people_who_confuse_the_words_burro_and_burrow/
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How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl6sdt/how_can_you_tell_if_your_wife_is_dead/
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Black Wolf was taking a walk around his tribe...

Eyebrows furrowed and lips thinned, Black Wolf held his hand out to catch the white specks drifting down from the sky. The first snow of the year was falling, and earlier than usual.
The ‘white doe’ tribe of the Northeast had been falling upon hard times in recent years with the advance of white settlements. Skirmishes with them and competition for food continued to dwindle the numbers of the tribe even as it was getting pushed further and further up the barren mountains. Only Black Wolf’s adept leadership and immense ability was keeping the tribe intact at this time, as material shortages and internal conflict threatened to tear it apart altogether. Black Wolf himself was a vastly experienced hunter and forager, and he himself managed to provide much of the tribe’s much needed sustenance. But as his salt and pepper mane of wavy hair evidenced, he was getting old.
As he coughed in the cold, Black Wolf mused to himself that he did not have much time left either. The elders were already pressuring him to step down, and he had to pass on the leadership soon or the tribe could very well disintegrate. To this end, Black Wolf favoured a young and whip-smart brave called ‘Falling Rocks’. While slight of build and not the strongest, Falling Rocks was not only very courageous but also had great general acumen. Known for his astute tactical mind and signature move of jumping off ledges and trees to kill prey and enemies alike, Falling Rocks had Black Wolf’s complete faith. However, a large number favoured his brutish rival, ‘Tall Bear’, who was an absolute physical specimen and formidable warrior but who was however not necessarily the sharpest tool in the shed. Black Wolf knew that he could not possibly just name Falling Rocks as the leader without holding a fair contest, so he called all the aspiring leaders to meet him on a neighbouring plateau the following morning. Dutifully, 5 brave warriors including Falling Rocks and Tall Bear turned up, and Black Wolf addressed the small group.
‘Braves of the white doe, I have led this tribe for 32 years and my time is rightfully ending. I now challenge all of you to compete for the leadership and your task is as follows: hike west as far as you can, and the one who goes the furthest while bringing me back something as proof of your travels shall be the new leader.’
Henceforth, Black Wolf returned to the plateau every day from dusk till dawn to wait for any returning warriors. After 1 month, the first brave returned and met the veteran leader. ‘Sir, I hiked westwards as you instructed until I reached a white man settlement that was so densely patrolled that I dared not venture further, and it was there I decided to turn back.’ After handing Black Wolf the head of a decapitated patrol, the first brave was sent back to resume his normal duties.
Another 2 months saw the return of a second brave, who told Black Wolf, ‘Sir, I hiked west so far as to reach a vast lake that seemed endless on every side, that I felt that I could go no further and it was there I decided to turn back.’ Handing Black Wolf a tangle of lake weeds, the second brave was also sent back to continue his life.
Only after 4 months did the third brave return, and he told Black Wolf, ‘Sir, I travelled west all the way to a colossal range of mountains, far taller than the one we have here. Seeing no way around or over it, I felt that I could go no further and it was there I decided to turn back. He passed Black Wolf the horn of a mountain goat and returned to the tribe.
A year on from the original challenge, neither Tall Bear nor Falling Rocks had returned, and winter was approaching again. Hungry and angry, the elders and the rest of the tribe were beginning to heap pressure on Black Wolf to end this nonsensical challenge and name the third brave as the new leader. Yet, Black Wolf held out, as he still wanted Falling Rocks to succeed him. But as it got progressively colder and the dissent started boiling over, Black Wolf knew that he could not control the tribe for much longer. On a day where a rebellious and a loyalist faction almost started fighting, Black Wolf intervened with the last vestige of his waning authority.
‘Tribe, I will go out one last day tomorrow, and if nobody returns, I will name the third brave as the new leader.’
And so, Black Wolf climbed onto the plateau the next morning, and waited till it was almost dark. But just as he was about to resign to fate and head back, a lone figure approached against the backdrop of the last bit of sun. It was Tall Bear! Addressing Black Wolf, Tall Bear recounted, ‘Sir, I went so far as to reach another sea. I knew it was not the same sea as here as the fish were different and the water tasted different, but it was definitely the sea nevertheless. Seeing no end to the shore, I felt that I could go no further and it was there that I decided to turn back.’
That night, the tribe conducted their age-old handover ritual, and Tall Bear became the new leader. Relieved from his duties and without a sense of purpose anymore, Black Wolf’s health fell off a cliff and he tragically began a steep and terminal decline. Only weeks later, he was on his deathbed. With the entire white doe kneeling and weeping before his bed with Tall Bear at the front, Black Wolf raised his voice to make one last address to the tribe.
‘Tribe, I have led you for 33 years and I only have 1 last request. Falling Rocks has not returned but I know he is out there and he will return. The only thing I want you to promise me is that none of you will ever forget him, and you will wait for him until he comes back.’
And with that, Black Wolf breathed his last breath. A grieving tribe mourned throughout the night, and they collectively promised to honour Black Wolf’s last wish. That is why till this day
>!we still see signs on the mountains that say: look out for Falling Rocks.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl6qq4/black_wolf_was_taking_a_walk_around_his_tribe/
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So my doctor just cut my butt in half. I guess he...

Half-ASSED it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl6pd1/so_my_doctor_just_cut_my_butt_in_half_i_guess_he/
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A man is driving down the road....

.....and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl6oav/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
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Which is jesus' lest favorite sport

Lacrosse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl6l9y/which_is_jesus_lest_favorite_sport/
%
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?

An electron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl6kad/whats_the_difference_between_a_seal_and_a_sealion/
%
I made a belt out of watches

But it’s a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl6b5r/i_made_a_belt_out_of_watches/
%
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..

..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl65wd/my_girlfriend_made_me_one_of_those_sculpted_3d/
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Yogurt on the bus [NSFW]

On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater."
She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt..."
I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl60kt/yogurt_on_the_bus_nsfw/
%
What's the difference between 69 and 6.9?

The period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl5uvt/whats_the_difference_between_69_and_69/
%
My wife and I watched three movies back to back last night.

I’m glad I was the one facing the TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl5u8r/my_wife_and_i_watched_three_movies_back_to_back/
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I bought the Mrs some crotchless knickers for Halloween.

Nothing sexual it's just to give her a better grip on her broomstick:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl5qog/i_bought_the_mrs_some_crotchless_knickers_for/
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Did you hear they built a nightclub on the moon?

It's a far out location, but it lacks atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl5qa4/did_you_hear_they_built_a_nightclub_on_the_moon/
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What's the difference between a theif and a pervert?

A thief snatches your watch, a pervert watches your snatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl5nks/whats_the_difference_between_a_theif_and_a_pervert/
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A man is declared dead in the emergency room with 3 nurses present.

Noticing he has a hardon, the first nurse says:
"I wouldn't want it to go to waste", and rides him.
The second nurse agrees, and does the same.
The third nurse says she's on her period, but that a little blood won't do anything.
After they're all done, the man suddenly wakes up, feeling better than ever.
"Weren't you dead?", Asked the nurses.
"Well, I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I feel great!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl5jf5/a_man_is_declared_dead_in_the_emergency_room_with/
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And for my next trick, I will dissapear

Fuck you pear, you taste like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl5ihi/and_for_my_next_trick_i_will_dissapear/
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Someone wanted to preach that the world is flat in an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl5elc/someone_wanted_to_preach_that_the_world_is_flat/
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A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.

The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl5bjg/a_mummified_macaroni_pizza_was_uncovered_in_italy/
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There's one thing common between Politicians and baby diapers...

You have to regularly change them... For the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl58ny/theres_one_thing_common_between_politicians_and/
%
why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?

She wanted to make up her mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl55s0/why_did_the_blonde_put_lipstick_on_her_forehead/
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TIL that a school bus can only jump over 14 students at a time.

Unrelatedly, I’ve been fired from my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl4ud2/til_that_a_school_bus_can_only_jump_over_14/
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He introduced her as his girlfriend.

Then he introduced her as his wife.
Then the three started quarrelling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl4p9z/he_introduced_her_as_his_girlfriend/
%
Why is visiting Taj Mahal before you reach your destination a cure for erectile dysfunction?

Coz it forces you to take the via Agra route

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl4io3/why_is_visiting_taj_mahal_before_you_reach_your/
%
Did you hear about the demon that got arrested?

He was charged with possession.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl4htx/did_you_hear_about_the_demon_that_got_arrested/
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The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time a young man asked the fairest lady in the village to marry him.  She looked him up and down and said "No."
He lived happily ever after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl4evp/the_worlds_shortest_fairy_tale/
%
A blonde woman looking to make extra cash goes into a rich neighborhood....

She comes across a house, knocks on the door and a man opens the door. “I am looking for work and would do anything”. The man looks at his porch and sees it needs some serious paint asks her to paint it for $100. She agrees. He shows her to the paints in his garage and she gets to work. About an hour later, the blonde comes back to the man and tells him she is all done. Confused that she is done so quickly, asks her: “you realize the porch goes all the way around?” To which she replies: “Yes, it’s all done.” Impressed, the man hands her the $100 for her work. Just as she was about to leave, she says: “oh by the way, that’s a Ferrari not a porch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl4dtl/a_blonde_woman_looking_to_make_extra_cash_goes/
%
How many dimensions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. Two to rotate, one to get it done in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl4d08/how_many_dimensions_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What does a black rectangle have in common with the girl I met last night?

>!you tap it once and it's gone!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl499v/what_does_a_black_rectangle_have_in_common_with/
%
What sort of bees make milk

Boobies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl44bo/what_sort_of_bees_make_milk/
%
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl3zs5/what_is_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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How Canada was named

In the year 1534, there were 3 explorers who discovered a great piece of land. They had no idea what to name it. So they each decided to pick a letter out of a hat, and go from there.
The first explorer picked the letter C.
"C, eh?" He said
The second picked the letter N.
"N, eh?" He said.
Finally,  the third explorer went. He picked D
"D, eh?" He said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl3qj7/how_canada_was_named/
%
Why can't you make jokes about Jonestown?

The punchlines are too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl3nw4/why_cant_you_make_jokes_about_jonestown/
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I wasn't sure that we really needed a 55" TV

But you have to look at the bigger picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl3ihk/i_wasnt_sure_that_we_really_needed_a_55_tv/
%
What do you call a tiny dog?

A subwoofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl36n7/what_do_you_call_a_tiny_dog/
%
Seniors!

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl34qj/seniors/
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What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl34o7/what_is_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
%
The Submarine Party

To boost morale, a submarine captain decides to hold a party for the seamen while underwater. Given the tight space, they setup various areas throughout the boat to serve the crew. Despite the long lines at each area, the party is going well, with everyone happily eating and drinking.
About midway through the party, a young ensign, looking to fast track his advancement to lieutenant, notices that the captain's drink is getting low. He approaches, and after thanking the captain for the party, offers to refresh his drink. The captain takes him up on his offer, and asks for another Coke. The ensign searches for the line serving Coke, and after a long wait, learns someone else grabbed the last one. Defeated, he returns to his captain to give him the bad news.
"It's ok", replies the captain, "see if you can find a Sprite.". Once again, the ensign takes off across the boat, and finally finds the line serving cans of Sprite. However, as before, by the time he gets to the front of the line, the Sprite is gone. Nervous, he returns again to his captain with bad news.
"That's too bad", says the captain, "but I really wanted something sweet to drink." Having heard the ship's cook was making his special fruit punch, the ensign eagerly offers back to the captain to get him a cup of the famous drink. The captain agrees, and the ensign takes off across the boat in search for the drink. However, after an exauhstive search, the ensign comes up empty handed. As he's failed his captain three times, the ensign is extremely anxious to give him the bad news.
He approaches the captain, who notices a lack of beverage in the ensign's hands. Frustrated, the captain asks why the ensign has come back again empty handed. The ensign timidly replies, "I'm sorry sir, I've searched this entire sub, but couldn't find the punch line".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl32b6/the_submarine_party/
%
Dad: I have a lot of blind deer on my property.

Son:  Really?  How do you know they're blind?
Dad:  Well, I have no eyed deer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl31l5/dad_i_have_a_lot_of_blind_deer_on_my_property/
%
Only the true king could pull the sword from the stone... no one else could... they didn’t have...

Arthurization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl2xdz/only_the_true_king_could_pull_the_sword_from_the/
%
Orgy at the Zoo

(row row row your boat tune)
Fuck fuck fuck a duck. Screw a kangaroo. Sixty nine a porcupine. Orgy at the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl2tgs/orgy_at_the_zoo/
%
If you are what you eat...

Then that would explain why my ex is such an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl2omx/if_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
When are bullies the most active?

In the meantime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl2h0d/when_are_bullies_the_most_active/
%
How do you wake lady gaga up?

You Pokerface

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl27t8/how_do_you_wake_lady_gaga_up/
%
An old man is being interviewed on live TV

Hello everybody. We are with Michael, who is 97 years old. Michael, tell us, what’s your secret?
During the war, I sucked off a enemy soldier in exchange for food.
I meant about your age.
Ah… Eating healthy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl23nv/an_old_man_is_being_interviewed_on_live_tv/
%
I asked my wife to rate my hearing skills

She said " i think you are an 8 on a scale of 10".
I still don't know why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl205w/i_asked_my_wife_to_rate_my_hearing_skills/
%
My grandpa just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”
Grandpa: My hip replacement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl1w9i/my_grandpa_just_walked_into_the_room_with_a_guy/
%
Jack: Seriously Edith, your excuses are lame. It's clear that you are only trying to make people think you are special.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl1m0o/jack_seriously_edith_your_excuses_are_lame_its/
%
How does a bishop get a six pack?

He exorcises

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl1hmz/how_does_a_bishop_get_a_six_pack/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl1dd0/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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“I don’t understand you,” cried my girlfriend. “One minute you’re really offensive to me and the next you’re really polite.”

“Bitch, please,” I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl149w/i_dont_understand_you_cried_my_girlfriend_one/
%
I asked my girlfriend what it was like to have a vaginal orgasm

She responded, “I don’t know”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl0vbt/i_asked_my_girlfriend_what_it_was_like_to_have_a/
%
Just had donkey soup

Taste like ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl0tr0/just_had_donkey_soup/
%
Made this joke up while working at Whole Foods a couple years back...

**What do you call a Whole Foods employee that shops at another grocery store?**
>!A "Traitor" Joe !<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl0oue/made_this_joke_up_while_working_at_whole_foods_a/
%
Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl0m48/visitor_my_favorite_part_of_the_zoo_is_the_cage/
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What's the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?

For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl0l85/whats_the_difference_between_a_velodrome_and_a/
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I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed

I went to bed 7 times last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl0kzr/ive_reduced_my_wine_consumption_to_just_one_glass/
%
A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed

What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?
"Cum at me bro".
\-
Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?
He was a peeking duck
\-
What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?
"It's bananas"
\-
What is the hydraulic press's favorite vegetable?
"Squash"
(I also ask this of my gf right before I climb on top of her.  It's great)
\-
How come the league of legends player started playing horribly after they had a baby?
"They're feeding"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl0j8z/a_few_puns_i_thought_of_while_trying_not_to_get/
%
I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl07t0/i_think_my_wife_has_started_to_show_the_first/
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What do Trump and a maxed out credit card have in common?

They both deny all charges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dl027m/what_do_trump_and_a_maxed_out_credit_card_have_in/
%
Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.

The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits.
The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal.
“You have to put all ten up your butt without making a noise or we’ll execute you.”
The man had no choice, so he starts putting the apples up his buy and gets to 4 before the pain is too much and he screams. The tribe executed him.
The 2nd guy comes back with berries. They tell him the same thing. He gets to 9 and is about to put the 10th in when he starts laughing hysterically. Executed.
The 1st and the 2nd guy are in the afterlife talking. The 1st says to the 2nd, “Why’d you laugh? You were so close?” And the  2nd guy says “Well, I saw the third and he had pineapples.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkzxpe/three_guys_get_stranded_on_an_island_where_a/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food but no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkzxh6/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
My uncle: a little bird told me you are doing drugs.

Me: you're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkzwwg/my_uncle_a_little_bird_told_me_you_are_doing_drugs/
%
What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkzvqi/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_walking_down/
%
MY nerdy friend just received a PHD on the History of Palindromes.

Now we just call him Dr Awkward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkztje/my_nerdy_friend_just_received_a_phd_on_the/
%
What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

The hockey player changes his pads after three periods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkzt48/whats_the_difference_between_a_hockey_player_and/
%
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkzq1g/did_you_know_that_a_piranha_can_devour_a_child/
%
I'm not passive aggressive

Unlike *some* people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkznb4/im_not_passive_aggressive/
%
So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.
After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.
“Oh shit, I have an important package coming, I have to get the door.  I can’t wipe this blood off my face fast enough!” said the guy.
The gf tells him, “it’s ok, just tell the guy you were eating a jelly sandwich and didn’t have time to wipe your face.”
So the guy goes and opens the door to sign the package from the mailman but notices the mailman staring at him awkwardly.
“Oh this red stuff around my mouth is from my jelly sandwich, sorry about that.” says the guy.
The mailman, slightly confused, says “Ohhhh... so is that peanut butter on your forehead?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkzn9o/so_a_guy_and_his_gf_are_making_out/
%
A man loses his legs in a bear fight

Despite this, he wins the fight, and uses the bears legs to replace his own.
By the time he gets to a hospital, he has full control over his legs,
The doctors tie the legs better, and let him keep them,
About a month later, a ringmaster of a freak circus finds him, and offers him a job in the circus,
He accepts, and a few months later, is ready for his first act,
He walks in front of the audience, and loudly claims
'I will walk over these hot stones bear-foot'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkzlyq/a_man_loses_his_legs_in_a_bear_fight/
%
My neighbor is so inconsiderate!

He came pounding on my front door at 4am.
Thankfully I was already awake practicing my drum solo, but very rude!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkzfjs/my_neighbor_is_so_inconsiderate/
%
A man got into a horrific accident that resulted in him losing an arm and a leg.

Don't worry, he's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkzeeu/a_man_got_into_a_horrific_accident_that_resulted/
%
If you have nine ants in your apartment, that’s a problem.

But if you have ten ants, just ask them for rent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkzbkr/if_you_have_nine_ants_in_your_apartment_thats_a/
%
Do you know how they manufacture minuscule drill bits?

A little bit at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkzbfz/do_you_know_how_they_manufacture_minuscule_drill/
%
Most people think that t-rexes can’t clap because they have short arms

Actually it’s because they are dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkz47d/most_people_think_that_trexes_cant_clap_because/
%
I feel like I’ve seen that ghost before.

I must be having Deja boo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkz1bp/i_feel_like_ive_seen_that_ghost_before/
%
What do you say to a kid in a wheelchair before playing hide and seek?

You can hide but you can't run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkz0gj/what_do_you_say_to_a_kid_in_a_wheelchair_before/
%
Yo Mamma's so dumb....

She stayed up all night studying for her blood test

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkythb/yo_mammas_so_dumb/
%
As a child my parents used to tell me about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa

I dont believe in those stories anymore, thank GOD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkyqvn/as_a_child_my_parents_used_to_tell_me_about_the/
%
I’ve been conducting a survey on the general public’s thoughts on blenders.

So far it has had mixed reactions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkypyg/ive_been_conducting_a_survey_on_the_general/
%
I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman.

It's second to nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkyj2o/i_love_the_feeling_of_getting_a_silver_medal/
%
Lawyers

Do you know why lawyers wear neckties in court ?
So the foreskin doesn't cover their face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkyb6v/lawyers/
%
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear...

You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkyaw8/arguing_with_a_woman_is_like_being_attacked_by_a/
%
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away

He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dky8ay/my_kid_damaged_my_iphone_so_i_am_giving_it_away/
%
Health care is too expensive, I went to the hospital for complications from my diabetes

And It cost me an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkxzbe/health_care_is_too_expensive_i_went_to_the/
%
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless

But now I kind of like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkxttn/at_first_i_thought_my_therapy_for_stockholm/
%
In Catholicism, you can only have sex with your partner when you are married. So if priests are married to God, they can have sex with God.

And sometimes they cheat on God with altar boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkxr1g/in_catholicism_you_can_only_have_sex_with_your/
%
If you’ve got kids this a pretty good knock knock joke

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Europe
Europe who?
No you’re a poo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkxog2/if_youve_got_kids_this_a_pretty_good_knock_knock/
%
Why are companies who sell snacks sexist?

Cause they avoid trans fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkxllt/why_are_companies_who_sell_snacks_sexist/
%
I’m reading a book that compares the different versions of the Bible.

Turns out, there is a lot of cross referencing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkxbft/im_reading_a_book_that_compares_the_different/
%
She offered her honor.

He honored her offer
and all night long he was on her and off her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkxajr/she_offered_her_honor/
%
What do you call a pie without 3.14?

2.718

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkx8ha/what_do_you_call_a_pie_without_314/
%
How do you identify the head nurse apart from all the other nurses?

From the dirt on her knees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkx7et/how_do_you_identify_the_head_nurse_apart_from_all/
%
If Watson isn't the most famous Doctor -

- then Who is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkx6dg/if_watson_isnt_the_most_famous_doctor/
%
I don't understand people who say "I don't know how to thank you"

Like they never heard of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkx5nx/i_dont_understand_people_who_say_i_dont_know_how/
%
My wife and I were happy for 20 years...

Then we met each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkx26q/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_20_years/
%
First guy: I’ve got a big problem. I’m married to a wonderful cook, a marvelous lover, and the best-looking woman in town.

Second guy: So what’s the problem?
First guy: Having more than one wife is illegal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkwywa/first_guy_ive_got_a_big_problem_im_married_to_a/
%
How to pass an exam?

Just answer "customer "
Because customer is always right!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkwvk8/how_to_pass_an_exam/
%
These dogs

A man was walking his two dogs.
Someone asked, "What are their names?"
Man replied, "Rolex and Omega!" "Wow! I have never heard those names for dogs.
Man said "These are watchdogs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkwsaa/these_dogs/
%
Why don't fortune tellers use contraceptives?

They have crystal balls and can see it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkws5k/why_dont_fortune_tellers_use_contraceptives/
%
What's red and isn't good for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkwp2h/whats_red_and_isnt_good_for_your_teeth/
%
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.

No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkwmyt/the_year_is_2192_the_british_prime_minister/
%
My English teacher told me that using a colon in a sentence can really change its meaning.

For example,
Jane ate her friend's sandwich
Becomes
Jane ate her friend's colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkwk2h/my_english_teacher_told_me_that_using_a_colon_in/
%
I told my Therapist that I was having gay thoughts. He asked exactly what was wrong.

I told him I couldn't think straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkwjny/i_told_my_therapist_that_i_was_having_gay/
%
My wife recently broke up with me because I'm a compulsive gambler.

All I can think about is how to win her back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkwi9x/my_wife_recently_broke_up_with_me_because_im_a/
%
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkwi5e/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
%
I have lots of jokes to tell about fat people and doors

But they just never seem to fit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkwd3t/i_have_lots_of_jokes_to_tell_about_fat_people_and/
%
I've been thrown in prison for telling dad jokes...

Turns out I wasn't authorised, as I'm not a dad.
But don't worry, I'll be seeking a pa-role.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkw9zb/ive_been_thrown_in_prison_for_telling_dad_jokes/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkw8sn/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
How did I know there was a murder?

Well, the body was a dead giveaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkw5ge/how_did_i_know_there_was_a_murder/
%
Matthew McConaughey and Andre 3000 released an album together.

The reviews were
AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright
AlrightAlrightAlright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkw1by/matthew_mcconaughey_and_andre_3000_released_an/
%
We know why the six was afraid of the 7, but why did 7 eat 9

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkw16s/we_know_why_the_six_was_afraid_of_the_7_but_why/
%
Jack and Bobby are arguing in the playground.

"My dad's better than your dad," says Jack.
"Oh yeah," replies Bobby. "Well, my mom's better than your mom!"
"You're probably right," says Jack. "My dad says the same thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkw0i4/jack_and_bobby_are_arguing_in_the_playground/
%
What does an actor sing in the shower?

Soap opera

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkvxsq/what_does_an_actor_sing_in_the_shower/
%
A thief was recently arrested for stealing loaves of sourdough...

He was caught bread-handed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkvv17/a_thief_was_recently_arrested_for_stealing_loaves/
%
Did you know that the invention of stairs...

Brought the world on a whole new level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkvty5/did_you_know_that_the_invention_of_stairs/
%
Why did the drug addict suffer an overdose of cocaine?

Because he crossed the line...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkvssf/why_did_the_drug_addict_suffer_an_overdose_of/
%
hey u guys wanna hear a dad joke?

Okay it’s me. I am my dad’s biggest joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkvmg8/hey_u_guys_wanna_hear_a_dad_joke/
%
Why did the cook get hired?

Because he brought a lot to the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkvg05/why_did_the_cook_get_hired/
%
My grandad died because we didn’t get his blood type right. He kept saying, “Be positive! Be positive!”

And so we tried transfusing B positive blood but apparently he was just an optimistic little bastard was a Type A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkv90g/my_grandad_died_because_we_didnt_get_his_blood/
%
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.

I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I’ve ever seen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkv45k/i_was_sailing_my_boat_when_a_massive_hand_rose/
%
A teacher was taking attendance

She noticed one student was missing and marked him absent. She continues on with her lesson until, about a half hour in, the student walks in. She says to him, “You’re late.” He says nothing and instead pulls out a clock, “No,” he says and proceeds to sit on the clock, “I’m right on time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkv2e5/a_teacher_was_taking_attendance/
%
Just one, actually.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkv1kj/just_one_actually/
%
The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a stroke

Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkv0zi/the_doctor_said_i_was_at_a_high_risk_for_having_a/
%
There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.
One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child’s name.
The priest said “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkuvdx/there_once_was_a_baby_born_with_no_arms_his/
%
What do you call it when someone borrows money to buy cheese?

A Provo-loan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkuvaq/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_borrows_money_to/
%
My blind girlfriend broke up with me today.

She told me she couldn’t see us being together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkuu86/my_blind_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_today/
%
I am so happy, I finally beat stage 4 cancer!

Now I am on stage 5!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkut5q/i_am_so_happy_i_finally_beat_stage_4_cancer/
%
Dice. My favorite Dice rhyme: "Jack 'n Jill went up the hill, both wit a buck 'n a quarter..."

... Jill came down wit two fifty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkusad/dice_my_favorite_dice_rhyme_jack_n_jill_went_up/
%
I just got a hand-job from a Leprechaun

It was a real stroke of luck to be sure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkus00/i_just_got_a_handjob_from_a_leprechaun/
%
Why did the pancake get arrested?

It had committed multiple unwaffle actions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkunxb/why_did_the_pancake_get_arrested/
%
My wife of 15 years recently passed away

I guess she was underage anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkudze/my_wife_of_15_years_recently_passed_away/
%
Have you heard about the social media stars who are coughing and sick?

They're Instagram Influenzas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkud2d/have_you_heard_about_the_social_media_stars_who/
%
NSFW. Sex is like math.

Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs
And pray that you don’t multiply

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dku9jp/nsfw_sex_is_like_math/
%
why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?

it’s just a little meteor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dku59d/why_does_a_moon_rock_taste_better_than_an_earth/
%
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup.

I mean, I'm pretty good but I don't think I'm ready for that level of competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dku3tm/i_applied_to_be_a_sperm_donor_and_the_nurse_asked/
%
I have a few jokes about unemployed people.

But it’s a shame none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dku3ns/i_have_a_few_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
How does the Jewish man make his tea?

He brews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dku13g/how_does_the_jewish_man_make_his_tea/
%
Are flatearthers constipated?

Because the amount of shit they pull out of their ass is amazing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dktw8w/are_flatearthers_constipated/
%
Two wind turbines in a field and one says to the other, "Do you like music?"

He replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dktt7h/two_wind_turbines_in_a_field_and_one_says_to_the/
%
What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dktpr5/what_happens_when_you_finger_a_gypsy_on_her_period/
%
An undetaker had mistakenly buried the wrong body

The next day, he realised he had made a Grave mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dktl5i/an_undetaker_had_mistakenly_buried_the_wrong_body/
%
(My kids’ joke) What did the cat say when it got scratched?

Meowch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkti66/my_kids_joke_what_did_the_cat_say_when_it_got/
%
What did one penny say to the other penny?

You and I together just make cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkthn6/what_did_one_penny_say_to_the_other_penny/
%
I would tell you a Chemistry joke...

But all the goods ones argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkteky/i_would_tell_you_a_chemistry_joke/
%
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar...

...followed by Batman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dktbfj/16_sodium_atoms_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course houses can't jump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkt7qp/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
%
Why do shoemakers go to heaven?

cause they have good soles..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkt75v/why_do_shoemakers_go_to_heaven/
%
What did one sea monster say to the other?

What's Kraken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkt2hh/what_did_one_sea_monster_say_to_the_other/
%
If I sleep in a sleeping bag...

Is it a knapsack?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkt140/if_i_sleep_in_a_sleeping_bag/
%
What do you call a bunch of ugly people in a flying car having an orgy because they feel sorry for each other?

A shitty pity gang bang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dksy06/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_ugly_people_in_a/
%
What's the difference between a priest and a con man?

Con men don't believe their lies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dksxm1/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_con/
%
How many cops does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

None. The officers beat the room for being black and arrest the bulb for being broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkstdu/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_broken/
%
Fastest thing on Earth

4 guys are talking about what the fastest thing is. 1st guy says it’s a thought. 2nd guy says it’s the blink of an eye. 3rd guy says it’s electricity. 4th guy says it’s diarrhea, the other guys say, diarrhea? What are you talking about?
4th guy says, the other day before I could think, blink or turn on the light,I shit my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dksqju/fastest_thing_on_earth/
%
Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound...

I make my own announcemints now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dksjnc/without_anyones_help_i_created_mints_that_each/
%
What has a bottom at the top?

Legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dksgq0/what_has_a_bottom_at_the_top/
%
Did you hear about the new river movie?

It's now streaming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dksdvm/did_you_hear_about_the_new_river_movie/
%
An American and a Russian are arguing about who's country is better

The American says, "See in America you can walk into the president's oval office, pound his desk and say, Mr.President I don't like the way you're running your country."
The Russian says, "Well, I can do that."
The American questions, "You can?"
The Russian explains, "Yes, I can walk into the president's office, pound his desk and say, Sir I don't like the way the American president is running his country."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dks1gc/an_american_and_a_russian_are_arguing_about_whos/
%
Why Do Graveyards have gates on them

because people are dying to get in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkrysg/why_do_graveyards_have_gates_on_them/
%
What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkrvzc/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An **optimist** sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A **realist** sees a freight train.
The **train driver** sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkrhmm/a_pessimist_sees_a_dark_tunnel/
%
What is the highest form of flattery?

A plateau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkrhe4/what_is_the_highest_form_of_flattery/
%
Pope Chauffeur

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I 'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says The Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the Cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkraxv/pope_chauffeur/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkr2as/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
Someone told me there's a joke about a "small medium at large"

I can't say I totally believe them...sounds a little suspect to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkqzug/someone_told_me_theres_a_joke_about_a_small/
%
So, back when my wife and I just started dating, I ran into her asshole ex in the bar.

He said "Hey there, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?"
I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkqyb8/so_back_when_my_wife_and_i_just_started_dating_i/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkqxvi/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
I found a doctor who would give me a discount on my son’s circumcision.

It was a ripoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkqvct/i_found_a_doctor_who_would_give_me_a_discount_on/
%
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazillian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkqnb4/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Recently, I discovered my fetish for self discovery.

I just came to that conclusion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkqm93/recently_i_discovered_my_fetish_for_self_discovery/
%
The last time I was someone’s type...

I was donating blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkql7c/the_last_time_i_was_someones_type/
%
Let them eat Cake

Marie Antoinette started the body positivity movement. Quite revolutionary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkqixr/let_them_eat_cake/
%
What's the difference between a hedgehog and an Audi?

The pricks are inside the audi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkqiwi/whats_the_difference_between_a_hedgehog_and_an/
%
Whoever stole my anti-depressants,

I hope your happy now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkqiuj/whoever_stole_my_antidepressants/
%
How do you know something is a repost?

If you've already reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkqd93/how_do_you_know_something_is_a_repost/
%
What time is it?

dunno. Pass me that trombone and I'll find out.
*[Blows on trombone loudly]*
Neighbor shouting...
###"WHO'S MAKING ALL THAT DAMN NOISE AT 2 IN THE MORNING?!"
#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkqchw/what_time_is_it/
%
My friend just told me, “Going to antique stores is gay.”

I said, “No. It makes you buy curios.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkqc40/my_friend_just_told_me_going_to_antique_stores_is/
%
Why do the citizens of Athens hate waking up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkqbyf/why_do_the_citizens_of_athens_hate_waking_up_early/
%
I have been taking an IT course for the past year.

I’ve learned a lot about computers, but I’m starting to wonder when they’ll get to the damn clown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkq8tx/i_have_been_taking_an_it_course_for_the_past_year/
%
A man's at a restaurant in spain and he sees a waiter delivering two huge, round meatballs to the next table.

he calls a waiter over and says he wants the same but the waiter says, ah senor, there is only one dish per day, they are the testicles of the bull killed at the bullfight today
the man say, ok can i reserve that for tomorrow then?
next day he's at the restaurant but the waiter brings him over a plate with two tiny objects on it.
what is this, asks the man
ah senor, sometimes ze bull wins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkq6cs/a_mans_at_a_restaurant_in_spain_and_he_sees_a/
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There was once a really smart bee.

Ever since he was little, he had always wanted more than the simple, boring lives led by his fellow bees. After a few years, he left his job, his hive, and his family behind, in search of a better life.
He flew for hours until he came to a small Virginia town, on the edge of a forest. He landed, and as he looked around, he saw a poster. It was a campaign ad for mayor. The concept of elections were unknown to him, so he asked a woman who was walking by what it meant. After realizing the concept of democracy was new to him, she explained all she knew. He was fascinated by the concept that anyone could become a leader.
He settled down in that town, and got a job and a small house. He got to know everyone in the town, gaining their trust and respect.
After a few years, he thought back to that election poster. He had loved his new life so far, but he had always wanted more. He felt he was well versed in the workings of human society, so he decided he would run for mayor.
And he won. He had a remarkable knack for politics, and he won by a landslide.
He served as mayor for 8 years, and he served his constituents well. They loved him, and he would have easily won another term, but he had even higher aspirations.
He ran for a seat in the Senate, building an incredible staff and running persuasive, well-made advertisements on TV across the state. And although this election wasn’t as easy as the one for mayor, he still won fairly comfortably.
As a senator, he represented his constituents with pride and dedication. He helped fund projects to better the state’s infrastructure, and played a major part in creating major nationwide policies. But even with all this success, he still wanted more. He had his eyes set on the presidency.
He worked hard to get funding from interest groups and individual donors. He worked harder than he ever had at anything, and his work payed off. He became the first bee president of the United States.
The day after his election, he went back to the town where it had all started, receiving warm greetings from the people that had helped launch his political career in the first place. He walked through the town with a sense of nostalgia, seeing where it had all started. As he walked through the town center, he got a strange craving- for fruit punch. He looked in the town’s only supermarket, and curiously, they were all sold out. He didn’t mind much, though, and continued his walk through the town. And a few minutes later, he saw a small stand, selling many drinks, including fruit punch!
And as the bee walked closer, he discovered that there was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkq2vn/there_was_once_a_really_smart_bee/
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People can change

Even Hitler went from being an anti-semite to finally killing the person responsible for death of million jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkpxt5/people_can_change/
%
What is the religion of people in hong kong?

Protestant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkpucq/what_is_the_religion_of_people_in_hong_kong/
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I had an ounce of weed last week :)

But I lost it in a series of small fires. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkpp3b/i_had_an_ounce_of_weed_last_week/
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a
boat and drink beer all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkpmxb/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
%
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?

He's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkpeos/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_lost_his_left_arm/
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I heard King Arthur had a sex addiction [NSFW]

He came a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkp5fw/i_heard_king_arthur_had_a_sex_addiction_nsfw/
%
At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants

At age 12, success means having friends
At age 17, success means having a driver's licence
At age 25, success means having sex
At age 35, success means having money
At age 45, success means having money
At age 55, success means having sex
At age 65, success means having a driver's licence
At age 75, success means having friends
At age 85, success means not peeing in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkoq6o/at_age_4_success_means_not_peeing_in_your_pants/
%
My therapist wanted to tell me about the 5 stages of grief. I said...

But nothing bad has happened! How DARE you imply that it has? I'm only paying half for this session. Thanks for ruining my good mood... Okay, tell me all about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkoozv/my_therapist_wanted_to_tell_me_about_the_5_stages/
%
They told me I would never be good at poetry because I am dyslexic, but I proved them all wrong:

So far I have made three jugs and a vase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkomhp/they_told_me_i_would_never_be_good_at_poetry/
%
Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?

Two Mennonite
-Christopher Hitchins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkol1k/why_was_the_amish_girl_excommunicated/
%
I have a friend named Oedipus.

He's a real mother fucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkoky3/i_have_a_friend_named_oedipus/
%
I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkobjz/i_would_never_hit_someone_with_a_musical/
%
Did you hear about that baby that was born without one of his eye-lids? they used part of his foreskin to replace it.

He’ll be alright, just a little cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkoasd/did_you_hear_about_that_baby_that_was_born/
%
Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkoar8/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_playground/
%
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because the change starts with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dko9jz/how_many_motivational_speakers_does_it_take_to/
%
What do you call a stoner's Coke?

Baking soda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dko214/what_do_you_call_a_stoners_coke/
%
Where does Dorian Gray get his clothes?

Forever 21.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dknz0o/where_does_dorian_gray_get_his_clothes/
%
What does a ghost call his girlfriend?

His boo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dknqh9/what_does_a_ghost_call_his_girlfriend/
%
Did you hear about the foreign government growing potatoes in their foreskin?

Bunch of dictators.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dknozv/did_you_hear_about_the_foreign_government_growing/
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The government offered to buy back all my guns

I turned them down
I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dknoej/the_government_offered_to_buy_back_all_my_guns/
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Is it really wrong to hate a certain race?

I don't mind doing a 5k but a couple friends want to do a 10k and I don't like them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkncit/is_it_really_wrong_to_hate_a_certain_race/
%
Does Craigslist have friends for sale?

Asking for a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkn80y/does_craigslist_have_friends_for_sale/
%
The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”

The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was.
The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.
The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkn7xk/the_old_farmer_said_well_as_i_see_it_donald_trump/
%
TIL Tom Petty had a brother that owned his own nail salon

Manny Petty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkn25z/til_tom_petty_had_a_brother_that_owned_his_own/
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“I’m sorry” and “my bad” bassicly mean the same thing

Unless your at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkn1ln/im_sorry_and_my_bad_bassicly_mean_the_same_thing/
%
I was once friends with an albino Dalmatian

He was tired of being made fun of for being completely white, so he decided to get small round tattoos inked all over his body. He was just $20 short.
I told him, “Don’t worry Dog, I’ll spot you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkn0ma/i_was_once_friends_with_an_albino_dalmatian/
%
A scientist puts a penny under a microscope.

"Truly magnificent!", he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkmzeb/a_scientist_puts_a_penny_under_a_microscope/
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A very nervous woman on her first Aeroplane flight, asked the stewardess, how often do planes crash?

Stewardess replies.
Only once..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkmxtw/a_very_nervous_woman_on_her_first_aeroplane/
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The larger the car, the smaller the penis. The smaller the feet, the smaller the penis.

This is why people are terrified of clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkmwrq/the_larger_the_car_the_smaller_the_penis_the/
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The police kept telling me that I must take a break from work but I refused

I was charged with resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkmvil/the_police_kept_telling_me_that_i_must_take_a/
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Whats an amish person's favorite kind of raisin?

A barn raisin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkms5w/whats_an_amish_persons_favorite_kind_of_raisin/
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What do you get when you cross two squares with an ogre?

...a Shrektangle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkmolg/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_two_squares_with/
%
Say "Work" ten times fast.

Now you sound like my boss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkmohh/say_work_ten_times_fast/
%
A farmer has four beautiful daughters

He’s a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder.
Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says:
“Hi, I’m Freddy! I’m here to pick up Betty! We’re gonna go eat spaghetti! Is she ready?”
The farmer is a bit bewildered by this greeting, but he can’t see anything wrong with this guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.”
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says:
“Hi, I’m Jim! I’m here to pick up Kim! We’re gonna go for a swim! Can I come in?”
The farmer is again bewildered by the greeting, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10, and no funny business in the pool.”
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says:
“Hi, I’m Joe! I’m here to pick up Flo! We’re gonna go to a show! Can she go?”
By now, the farmer is completely dumbfounded by these greetings, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.”
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says:
“Hi, I’m Chuck—“ and the farmer shoots him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkmicf/a_farmer_has_four_beautiful_daughters/
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I have a really good airplane joke I want to share

But I think it might go over your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkmdyg/i_have_a_really_good_airplane_joke_i_want_to_share/
%
What do you call someone who has been raised by garlic?

Garlic bred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkm2ph/what_do_you_call_someone_who_has_been_raised_by/
%
Had my first ever seizure today.

I was pretty shaken up, but I’m alright now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkm1v0/had_my_first_ever_seizure_today/
%
Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture only took 1 nail to be hung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkm0er/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
What goes up but never comes down?

Taxes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dklyzx/what_goes_up_but_never_comes_down/
%
What do you call a 4'11" fortune teller that has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkludq/what_do_you_call_a_411_fortune_teller_that_has/
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I have found the perfect crime. I’m going to steal a news van...

They won’t be able to report it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dklq9m/i_have_found_the_perfect_crime_im_going_to_steal/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dklpfh/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
What does a shark victim see before their end?

Fin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dklj83/what_does_a_shark_victim_see_before_their_end/
%
Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.

Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dklg5o/reddit_has_gone_fully_green_to_help_the/
%
Louis Vuitton bag

Why is it that a French woman never managed to sell a $80 Louis Vuitton bag in the US?
She kept saying it's $420.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dklcj8/louis_vuitton_bag/
%
The bathroom is basically extra storage.

It's where I keep all my shit.
Credit to u/mynock33

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkla27/the_bathroom_is_basically_extra_storage/
%
I was advised I should always go for a flared end when trying butt plugs

I realised waiting in A&E that they didn't mean a twirl and curtsey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkl9mb/i_was_advised_i_should_always_go_for_a_flared_end/
%
Where did 2021 soldiers learn to shoot?

In school!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkl83h/where_did_2021_soldiers_learn_to_shoot/
%
How many hippies does it take to skrew in a light bulb!?

None. Hippies skrew in tents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkl7k7/how_many_hippies_does_it_take_to_skrew_in_a_light/
%
As electricians we are always amped for the day.

We bolt out of bed, shocked as always with how much we charge you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkl2ne/as_electricians_we_are_always_amped_for_the_day/
%
Colin was on a long drive from Portugal to Spain with this cute girl he liked. When Colin made a move and kept his arm on her shoulder. The girl winked and said you can go further.

Colin drove to France.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkl076/colin_was_on_a_long_drive_from_portugal_to_spain/
%
Why is Trump known as a 'horse whisperer'?

He's a ***stable*** genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkkxx1/why_is_trump_known_as_a_horse_whisperer/
%
Eve eating the apple marked..

.. the first time when Artificial Intelligence got out of its creator's control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkktzj/eve_eating_the_apple_marked/
%
Why did the bra shop have a low rating?

There were many complains about poor customer support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkksai/why_did_the_bra_shop_have_a_low_rating/
%
That milkman just called me a fat bitch!

How dairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkkpxt/that_milkman_just_called_me_a_fat_bitch/
%
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar,

One turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkkomp/two_male_deer_are_leaving_a_gay_bar/
%
What's the fastest thing in the world

I'm not sure. I couldn't see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkkjnf/whats_the_fastest_thing_in_the_world/
%
I give my girlfriend a third of everything she asks for.

She keeps saying she wants a big black cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkkgov/i_give_my_girlfriend_a_third_of_everything_she/
%
What's a Mexicans favorite sport?

Cross country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkkd2e/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
%
What do you call Matthew Broderick after he takes his Iron deficiency pills?

Ferrous Bueller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkkaxw/what_do_you_call_matthew_broderick_after_he_takes/
%
It is difficult to tell who gives some couples the most happiness.

The minister who marries
them or the judge who divorces them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkk773/it_is_difficult_to_tell_who_gives_some_couples/
%
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkk744/when_a_girl_changes_her_clothes_in_front_of_you/
%
Where do unvaccinated kids gather?

The plague-ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkk3il/where_do_unvaccinated_kids_gather/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then i could afford a house in the economy they ruined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjyzo/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
%
[NSFW] Senior Sex

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer who was walking by, heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjy9u/nsfw_senior_sex/
%
I want to get a lambda tattoo on my posterior.

But why?
Yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjy3r/i_want_to_get_a_lambda_tattoo_on_my_posterior/
%
What do Chinese call their pets?

Livestocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjwkw/what_do_chinese_call_their_pets/
%
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

**McDonalds Boss:** Again *(rubs temples)* you don't need to put Mc in front of words.
**Me:** Oh ok *(...to customer)* welcome to Donalds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjvhp/me_welcome_to_mcdonalds_can_i_take_your_mcorder/
%
I often wonder what my parents did to fill their time before the internet was invented...

...I've asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they don't know either...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkju70/i_often_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fill_their/
%
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
“No, I’m not,” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjtp2/my_wife_stormed_into_the_pub_last_night_as_me_and/
%
Mickey Mouse is standing in front of a judge at his divorce hearing.

The judge says "OK Mr. Mouse, let me get this straight. You want a divorce from Mrs. Mouse because she's *silly*?"
Mickey replied "No! I said shes fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjtod/mickey_mouse_is_standing_in_front_of_a_judge_at/
%
Husband and wife are having a romantic dinner

Wife: I love you so much! I can't live without you!
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It's me... talking to the wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjrlg/husband_and_wife_are_having_a_romantic_dinner/
%
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjpya/why_didnt_the_skeleton_cross_the_road/
%
What kind of PC sings really well?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjl7x/what_kind_of_pc_sings_really_well/
%
A game show host is talking to a rabbit

The host looks at his question card. "Okay, here is your first question: What is 7 plus 5?"
"Twelve", replied the rabbit.
"That's correct! Now for question 2: What is 56 minus 37?"
The rabbit thought for a moment. "Nineteen"
"That's correct! Okay, now here is your grand prize question: How much is 1,297 times 142?"
And without skipping a beat, the rabbit immediately replied, "184,174, what else?"
The host is surprised. "That's correct! But tell me, how did you get the final answer so quickly?"
"Oh, that's easy," said the rabbit. "If there's one thing us rabbits can do, it's multiply!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjkci/a_game_show_host_is_talking_to_a_rabbit/
%
Mary Magdalene sends nudes to Jesus

Jesus: Sends picture of bread
Mary: WTF
Jesus: This is my body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjjyv/mary_magdalene_sends_nudes_to_jesus/
%
Why does the ghost take the elevator?

To lift his spirit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjjfl/why_does_the_ghost_take_the_elevator/
%
Two parrots sitting on a perch

One turns to the other and asks "Can you smell fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjglo/two_parrots_sitting_on_a_perch/
%
My friend is in a band called 1023 megabytes

They dont have a gig yet tho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjfxt/my_friend_is_in_a_band_called_1023_megabytes/
%
Do I look like Fucking...

W- can you help me in the garden?
H- do i look like a fucking gardener?
W- well can you help with the door?
H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?
Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.
H- see I knew you could do it!
W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.
H- how much you pay him?
W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.
H- I hope you gave him bread.
W- Do I look like a fucking baker?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjev8/do_i_look_like_fucking/
%
Today, I gave up my seat for an old lady on the bus.

That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjb7n/today_i_gave_up_my_seat_for_an_old_lady_on_the_bus/
%
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

Cost me an arm and a leg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkjaov/if_you_think_swimming_with_dolphins_is_expensive/
%
What is China's favourite online game ?

Unreal Tiannament.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkj3dg/what_is_chinas_favourite_online_game/
%
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong
As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkj1h9/a_man_took_his_6yearold_daughter_to_his_office_on/
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Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkiwrn/sad_newsi_lost_my_job_as_a_stage_designer/
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What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkip9w/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_alcohol_and/
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What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkigp1/whats_blue_and_doesnt_fit/
%
Difference between a jewler and a jailor

One sells watches
One watches cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkif9t/difference_between_a_jewler_and_a_jailor/
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What do you get when you cross a Cow with an Octopus?

An immediate withdrawal of your funding and a visit from the Ethics Committee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dki8ru/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cow_with_an/
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How do you know when you are drowning in milk?

When it’s pasteurised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dki65s/how_do_you_know_when_you_are_drowning_in_milk/
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PewDiePie walks into a bar

He can’t. He has no legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dki18p/pewdiepie_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The new sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to exchange it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dki13w/the_new_sweater_i_bought_was_picking_up_static/
%
I don't usually greet working girls

But hey ho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkhy54/i_dont_usually_greet_working_girls/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high...

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkhxkb/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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My friends Goldfish died the other day So I surprised her and got her an identical one!

She was furious saying “what am I supposed to do with two dead goldfish?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkhqqf/my_friends_goldfish_died_the_other_day_so_i/
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A man man bet me 100 bucks I couldn't eat a rope

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkhooo/a_man_man_bet_me_100_bucks_i_couldnt_eat_a_rope/
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What do you call a cougar into anal?

A pooma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkhl9l/what_do_you_call_a_cougar_into_anal/
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The Cuckoo Clock Mayhem

I was invited for dinner with my old friends.
I swore to my wife that I'd be back at midnight. She didn't believe me, but I still went there.
The meal was very tasty, time flied, my blood was already scarce compared to all of the alcohol and I was extremely drunk. At about 3 AM, I went back home. When I came in and closed the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall said "cuckoo" 3 times.
Quickly, thinking that my wife would wake up and have an argument with me, I said "cuckoo" 9 more times.
I was really proud of myself for having a great, quick idea, even while I was drunk, to avoid having a conflict with my wife.
The next morning, she asked me what time did I come back home and I said "midnight". She didn't seem to distrust me, not even a little.
Then she told me:
\- Honey, we need a new cuckoo for our clock!
When I asked her why, she said:
\- Well, this night the cuckoo said "cuckoo" 3 times and said "GAAAAAAH, I'M SCREWED!". It said "cuckoo" 4 more times, then he grunted and belched. It said "cuckoo" 3 more times, farted, crazily laughed and said "cuckoo" 2 more times. Then, it hit the door I left ajar and said "SON OF A B\*\*CH!", stepped on the cat and said "SH\*T!" and only went to bed after falling twice while taking off his clothes. Don't you think we'd better get a new cuckoo while it's still under the warranty?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkhkjm/the_cuckoo_clock_mayhem/
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What do you call the security outside Samsung?

Guardians of the Galaxy
aight imma head out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkhiid/what_do_you_call_the_security_outside_samsung/
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Do you know who was the biggest sponser of the movie Human Centipede?

Nokia.
Nokia - Connecting people
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkhgru/do_you_know_who_was_the_biggest_sponser_of_the/
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Another long and stressful day of work for the doctor is coming to an end

He really is at the end of his patients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkherb/another_long_and_stressful_day_of_work_for_the/
%
What do you call a nation under Obama?

An Obamanation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkheag/what_do_you_call_a_nation_under_obama/
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People are like trees

If you hit them with an axe, they die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkhdjn/people_are_like_trees/
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A woman goes into labor with her child.

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkhbky/a_woman_goes_into_labor_with_her_child/
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Let's Pretend

At one night, a priest and a nun decided to get out of the convent together. They were looking for somewhere to pass the night, until they found a little hut, which only had a double bed and a wardrobe with some blankets. The priest asked the nun:
\- Should we sleep here?
\- Yes - the nun answered.
The priest wanted to sleep in bed, while the nun wanted to sleep on the floor.
At one point, the priest was very cold while he was sleeping, but he was too lazy to go and get a blanket. So he asked the nun:
\- Sister, I'm very cold... Can you get me a blanket from the wardrobe, please?
\- Sure! - She went to the wardrobe, took out a blanket and sweetly put it on the bed.
Later, the priest was still cold, so he asked the nun again:
\- Sister, I'm still cold... Would you mind giving me a blanket from the wardrobe?
And, just like before, the nun went to the wardrobe, took out another blanket and gently put it on the bed.
Some minutes later, the priest told the nun:
\- Sister, I'm still cold...
The nun understood his intention, so she asked him:
\- Father, we're the only people here, right?
\- Yes...
\- And, whatever we do, we'll be the only ones to know it, right?
\- Yes...
\- Then I have an idea: let's pretend that we are a husband and a wife! What do you think?
The priest stood up on the bed and started to jump, saying:
\- Yes! Yes! Yes!
After that, the nun put an angry look on her face and shouted:
**- THEN, SH\*T! GET UP, GO TO THE F\*\*\*ING WARDROBE AND GET YOURSELF A F\*\*\*ING BLANKET!**
*(Note: If you thought this would have an erotic ending, pray a Rosary for the bad thoughts...)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkhbhm/lets_pretend/
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Steve Irwin loved all animals.

But stingrays had a special place in his heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkh8a6/steve_irwin_loved_all_animals/
%
Scientists have found crazed bugs on the moon.

Lunar ticks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkh86c/scientists_have_found_crazed_bugs_on_the_moon/
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Why did a blond decide to be a virgin for the rest of her life?

Because she wants to be an example for her children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkh7oj/why_did_a_blond_decide_to_be_a_virgin_for_the/
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I screwed my crush the other day, it wasn’t pleasant

Soda cans are really sharp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkh5h6/i_screwed_my_crush_the_other_day_it_wasnt_pleasant/
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I have so many jokes about Unemployed people

But sadly none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkh005/i_have_so_many_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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My car got stolen yesterday !!

I thought of calling the cops but then realized it was better not to call them and let the car thief take care of the dead bodies in my trunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkguk9/my_car_got_stolen_yesterday/
%
Whoever stole my antidepressants

I hope your happy now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkgs8n/whoever_stole_my_antidepressants/
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An American and a Russian get into an argument about their governments

The American said,"In my country I can walk into the oval office, pound the president's desk and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running our country.'"
The Russian said,"I can do that."
The American said,"You can?"
The Russian said,"Yes, I can go into the Kremlin to the General Secretary's office, pound his desk and say,'Mr.Gorbachev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country.'"
Source : Ronald Reagan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkgnv8/an_american_and_a_russian_get_into_an_argument/
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How does Bono spell the word "colour"?

With or without u.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkgm7v/how_does_bono_spell_the_word_colour/
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What is the most sensitive part of a man’s body when he masturbates?

His ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkgkpf/what_is_the_most_sensitive_part_of_a_mans_body/
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Yesterday my girlfriend and I got in a fight when she said I was man-splaining.

But I think she just miss-understood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkg13r/yesterday_my_girlfriend_and_i_got_in_a_fight_when/
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Idaho

That’s what the prostitute said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkfzld/idaho/
%
Weirdest thing. I just saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM.

I asked him what he was doing, and he said,  "just checking my balance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkfbuu/weirdest_thing_i_just_saw_a_guy_standing_on_one/
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In high school math class ...

I owned a car and I was good at calculus.  They made me the "designated deriver".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkeyh3/in_high_school_math_class/
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Why was Pingu banned from Instagram?

He was posting noots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkeu0d/why_was_pingu_banned_from_instagram/
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My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.

Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkesp3/my_wife_says_that_she_will_have_butt_sex_if_this/
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We are in search of fresh vegetable puns.

Please lettuce know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkenhw/we_are_in_search_of_fresh_vegetable_puns/
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Do you wanna go to a restaurant?

You cant spell menu without me n u
I'm gonna lose all my karma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkenda/do_you_wanna_go_to_a_restaurant/
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Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?

Because they don't get them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkeihh/why_do_anti_vaxxers_hate_vaccine_jokes/
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I met a depressed electron the other day.

He wasn't very positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkeacw/i_met_a_depressed_electron_the_other_day/
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What’s easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dke5wz/whats_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
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me: Can I play some music?

**uber driver:** Yeah, sure.
**me *[pulling out my tuba]*:** Do u like veggie tales?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dke3om/me_can_i_play_some_music/
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Why do tampons have strings?

Because crabs like to bungee jump too.
Told this to my friend's dad.His answer:So you can floss when you're done eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dke1si/why_do_tampons_have_strings/
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What do you call a hooker who does math?

The thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkdx6s/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_who_does_math/
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Knock knock

Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked, thats why I’m knocking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkdv24/knock_knock/
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A Jewish child asks his father for $50

To which his father replied: "Forty dollars? What in the world do you need thirty dollars for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkdres/a_jewish_child_asks_his_father_for_50/
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Why was the Irish bank teller happy?

Because his capital's Dublin.
(hope this isn't a repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkdniq/why_was_the_irish_bank_teller_happy/
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A man goes on a business trip

Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter.
The old man said "We have vibrating dildo, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except...." and he stoped.
"Except what?" The man asked.
"Nothing, Nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick'." The old man reached under the counter, pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbles, and opened it. There lay a very ordinary looking dildo.
The buissness man laughed, and commented that it looked like every other dildo in this shop.
"But you haven't seen what it'll do," said the proprietor. H pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook, and started split down the middle, at which point the old man commanded, "Voodoo dick, back to your box!"
The voodoo dick stoped, floted back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" Said the business man.
The old man said it was not for sale, but finally suurendred ut for 700 dollers in cash. Plesed as punch, the business man gave his wife the gift, explaned that all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy" if she got lonely, and set off on his business trip.
After a few days, the wife got unbereably horny. Feeling a little foolish, she opened the box and said tentatilvely, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot out of the box, made a beeline for her croch, and started pumping away. It was fabulous, like nothing she'd ever experienced before, and she lay back and enjoyed the rush of pleasure. After 3 orgasms, she decided she had enough and reached to pull out the dildo. It wouldn't budge. Nothing worked. The voodoo dick was stuck, trusting away. Her husband forgot to tell her how to turn it off. Desprate, she pulled on a skirt, got in the car, and headed for the hospital, nearly fainting with exitement and exhaustion. On the way, another orgasom nearly made her swerve of the road., and to her horror a squad car pulled her over. First the policeman asked for her license. Then, observing her disheveled state, he asked how much she'd had to drink.
Twiching and sweting, she gasped, "I haven't been drinking, officer. A voodoo dildo is stuck in my pussy, and it won't stop screwing!"
"Sure, lady," said the officer after another long look at her. "Voodoo dick, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkdmmb/a_man_goes_on_a_business_trip/
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Last night on live PD

My dad and I were watching two people in a car get an inspection from an officer who deduced that the female had stuck crack cocaine in her personal locker. The cop explains that if she doesn't come clean with it she'll face two charges. She bends over and starts digging in her rectum to try and retrieve the crack.
My dad says
'Man, that's what I call a low, low.'
I responded
' Yeah dad, rock bottom.'
Had him in tears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkdjn1/last_night_on_live_pd/
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I went to McDonalds the other day.

I asked for two large fries but the idiot behind the counter just gave me a bunch of little ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkdfhz/i_went_to_mcdonalds_the_other_day/
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A mummy calls a restaurant

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkd7yd/a_mummy_calls_a_restaurant/
%
What's the fastest liquid on Earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkd6ew/whats_the_fastest_liquid_on_earth/
%
Why did the New Polish Navy build boats with glass bottoms?

To see the Old Polish Navy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkczc1/why_did_the_new_polish_navy_build_boats_with/
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How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. British light fittings use bayonet connectors.
OK, it's not that funny, but at least it's accurately observed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkcxah/how_many_englishmen_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Invisible calendars...

... that's something you don't see every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkcs5g/invisible_calendars/
%
What's the difference between my shirts and gay Muslims?

My shirts get hanged when they come INTO the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkcqwm/whats_the_difference_between_my_shirts_and_gay/
%
I had a terrible dream of a dystopian future where robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Luckily, I was awakened by my Tesla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkcam7/i_had_a_terrible_dream_of_a_dystopian_future/
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I sat at the cafe today.

No cellphone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
I just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkc8xr/i_sat_at_the_cafe_today/
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what do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkc7bo/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
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Did u know 70% of Chinese optometrists have cataracts

The other 30 drive Rincolns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkbywd/did_u_know_70_of_chinese_optometrists_have/
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Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkbyh7/why_did_the_mexican_push_his_wife_off_the_cliff/
%
Why did the call it the dark ages?

Because there were so many *Knights*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkbwiw/why_did_the_call_it_the_dark_ages/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkbv72/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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A vampire walks in a bar and asks for a cup of hot water. The bartender looks at him and says “Hot Water? I thought vampires drink blood”

The vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says “I’m making tea”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkbqtv/a_vampire_walks_in_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_cup_of/
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What's the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman?

A used car salesman knows when he's lying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkbplo/whats_the_difference_between_a_used_car_salesman/
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Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkbdov/why_does_snoop_dog_carry_an_umbrella/
%
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but it’s expensive and the bulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkbcpf/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Grandma is like a website

You can't say no to cookies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkb8gi/grandma_is_like_a_website/
%
The Beach Boys Walk Into A Bar

Bartender: “Round”
BB: “Round?”
Bartender: “Get a Round”
BB: “I’ll get a Round”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkb7hy/the_beach_boys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My guitar teacher got arrested the other day..

He was caught fingering minors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkawhg/my_guitar_teacher_got_arrested_the_other_day/
%
Never get stuck behind The Devil in a line at the DMV.

For The Devil can take many forms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkau42/never_get_stuck_behind_the_devil_in_a_line_at_the/
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkatvm/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
%
what do you call a bear with a scat fetish?

Winning the Poo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkarv3/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_a_scat_fetish/
%
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"

I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is fucking annoying sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkanug/my_buddy_asked_me_if_you_could_kill_anyone_in/
%
Yo momma so fat...

She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkakms/yo_momma_so_fat/
%
An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?
**A European student:** What's scarcity?
**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?
**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkagzw/an_international_school_teacher_asks_a_question/
%
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dkae6u/a_cruise_ship_passes_by_a_remote_island_and_all/
%
Guy gets pulled over for not stopping at a stop sign

The guy yells at the cop and says "I know I didn't stop, I slowed down, what's the difference?!"
Cop starts beating the driver with his baton and after a few minutes asks the driver "Do you want me to stop or slow down?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dka1kl/guy_gets_pulled_over_for_not_stopping_at_a_stop/
%
What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk9zdz/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
%
Dave comes home blackout drunk.

With his eyes barely open, he misses his friend Phil  in bed on top of his wife.
He lies down and instantly passes out.
Phil panics and tries to run but the wife stops him and whispers:"Don't go, this moron is so drunk he won't even feel me plucking a hair on his ass."
The wife does exactly that and the husband doesn't move.
Phil, now reassured proceeds with the job.
Half an hour later Dave moves a bit, and Phil is just about to freak out, the wife stops him and plucks another hair from his ass.
Another hour later Phil is still going at it. The wife gets cocky and pulls another hair from Dave's ass.
Dave then moves around a bit and mumbles:"Look man, I don't mind you screwing my wife, but do you really need to keep score on my ass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk9u25/dave_comes_home_blackout_drunk/
%
After years of hard work after college, I finally paid back my student loans.

I wish I can post this in a different sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk9s8c/after_years_of_hard_work_after_college_i_finally/
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I want to make a Zelda pun...

But I don’t want to tri and force it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk9r81/i_want_to_make_a_zelda_pun/
%
What do you call a horny policeman?

A jack officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk9qv0/what_do_you_call_a_horny_policeman/
%
I visited america recently and got very into the culture

A guy walked past me and said 'Have a nice day!' and I did'nt, so I shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk9q14/i_visited_america_recently_and_got_very_into_the/
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What is Gordan Ramsay's favourite subreddit?

It's Fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk9e1i/what_is_gordan_ramsays_favourite_subreddit/
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Wife trouble

So a guy gets pulled over and the cop says "you know you were speeding right?"
The guy says "no officer I wasn't." The guy's wife says "yes he was I noticed he was at least 15 over." The cop says "you also have a tail light out." The guy says "it must have just happened." His wife says "no that happened weeks ago." The guy says to his wife, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!" The officer leans over and says to the wife, "does he always talk to you that way?" The wife says "only when he's drink'n"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk9du1/wife_trouble/
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What's Boris Johnson's favourite TV show?

Deal or No Deal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk9bi2/whats_boris_johnsons_favourite_tv_show/
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Why do bartenders from Boston confiscate an intoxicated person's Khaki's at the end of the night?

So they can't drive home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk997y/why_do_bartenders_from_boston_confiscate_an/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb

None, feminists can’t change anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk96qz/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Chuck Norris is a coward!

If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my keybakwue hr<awjd <akreu<an<awlkuhnc<a kjdqw;eoim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk9601/chuck_norris_is_a_coward/
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Me: How long have we had that mattress?

Wife: No idea
Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk93t9/me_how_long_have_we_had_that_mattress/
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I met a girl who liked to try new sexual positions. She wanted to do it standing up while balancing on one leg. It was interesting but . . .

we didn’t get off on the right foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk8yfz/i_met_a_girl_who_liked_to_try_new_sexual/
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I don’t think Michael Jackson would make for a good documentary

He’d make a better thriller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk8uqb/i_dont_think_michael_jackson_would_make_for_a/
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What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Bananaaaa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk8ln4/whats_beethovens_favorite_fruit/
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What’s the difference between a Gardener and an electrician?

Ask them to define the word “bulb”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk8k3a/whats_the_difference_between_a_gardener_and_an/
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A duck walked up to a lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand

Quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk8dz6/a_duck_walked_up_to_a_lemonade_stand_and_he_said/
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Sex and parking are pretty similar

"handicapped? Hope no one sees me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk8ddm/sex_and_parking_are_pretty_similar/
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Why do British people drive on the left?

Because they have no rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk8brs/why_do_british_people_drive_on_the_left/
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What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin π
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk84ez/what_do_you_get_if_you_divide_a_pumpkins/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk7sqg/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub.
The next evening I thought I’d give it another try so I went to its tank again and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner.
The following evening I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede replied ‘I heard you the first time I’m just putting my bloody shoes on’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk7kkl/i_went_to_the_pet_shop_and_the_owner_said_he_had/
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It wasn’t fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.

But now I can look back and laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk7hki/it_wasnt_fun_when_i_broke_my_neck_in_an_accident/
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Only vaccinated people will get this

Growing up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk7gb7/only_vaccinated_people_will_get_this/
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Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?

Because he doesn’t have a Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk7bxd/why_is_kim_jong_un_so_cruel/
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Have you ever noticed that someone driving slower than you is an idiot

and anyone who drives faster is "A fcuking idiot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk7bw2/have_you_ever_noticed_that_someone_driving_slower/
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In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk77hp/in_the_past_i_could_get_into_a_store_with_a_penny/
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Ireland is the fastest growing country

Their population is Dublin every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk726h/ireland_is_the_fastest_growing_country/
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When a woman wears a bikini, she has 90 percent of her body exposed

Men, being the gentleman that we are, only look at the other 10 percent. (Hopefully not a repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk71tg/when_a_woman_wears_a_bikini_she_has_90_percent_of/
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I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk713a/i_named_a_spider_on_my_wall_cotton_eyed_joe/
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Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk6xzr/who_designed_king_arthurs_round_table/
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Did you hear about the band called 1023 MB?

They haven't had any Gigs yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk6rzl/did_you_hear_about_the_band_called_1023_mb/
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Drunked in a pub

In a pub will one man start to scream on other man  : "hey dude i fucked your Mother"
Whole pub get silent and waits for reaction of the other man, but he is silent
Man screams again : "Hey! I fucked your Mother"
The other man is still silent...
The man screams again even more loud: " Do you hear me you idiot? I fucked your Mother"
The second man finally answer with calm voice
"Please dad, go home, you are too drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk6okz/drunked_in_a_pub/
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What is the difference between a cult and a religion?

In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk6nd1/what_is_the_difference_between_a_cult_and_a/
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If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a couple hours.

If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk6k4z/if_you_build_a_man_a_fire_he_will_be_warm_for_a/
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Did you hear the CVS receipt joke?

Sit down and get comfy. It’s really long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk6iyr/did_you_hear_the_cvs_receipt_joke/
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What do you call a Soda Ocean

A Fanta Sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk6d1f/what_do_you_call_a_soda_ocean/
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Play a real life version of 'Grand Theft Auto'

By spending the day in Manchester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk6bxb/play_a_real_life_version_of_grand_theft_auto/
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If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations?

Grass stations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk69iv/if_cars_were_replaced_by_horses_what_would/
%
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.  When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."  He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."  Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk6500/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
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A catholic all boys school went on a trip...

A catholic all boys school was going on a trip to Hawaii. They are on the plane when the pilot says on the radio “Father, can you come up to the cockpit really quick”. So the priest gets up and makes his way over to the pilot. When he gets to him the pilot says “Father, we have a big problem, there is a gas leak and i’m afraid we are not going to make it to the island.” I have 2 parachutes though, I am taking one and you can take the other”. The priest says “What about the children?!”. The pilot says “fuck em!” To which the priest replies, “Do we have time for that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk5wny/a_catholic_all_boys_school_went_on_a_trip/
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I have a crush on my teacher AND on the girl sitting next to me

It's getting so bad, I may fail out of home school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk5vcx/i_have_a_crush_on_my_teacher_and_on_the_girl/
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A panda walks into a cáfe.

He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and unloads it into the ceiling.
“Why?” Asks the confused waiter, as the panda starts leaving. He tosses a wildlife manual over his shoulder.
“I’m a panda,” he says at the door, “look it up.”
The waiter flips to the page about pandas, and it says, “Panda. Large black and white bear-like animal native to China. Eats, Shoots, and leaves”
Credits: Eats, Shoots, and Leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk5p6m/a_panda_walks_into_a_cáfe/
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I just took up meditation...

It beats sitting around doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk5c92/i_just_took_up_meditation/
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection

The judge says “First offender?”
She says “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk56gu/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk53f1/a_woman_takes_a_lover_during_the_day_while_her/
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How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk526r/how_many_brexiteers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein counts down while the two hide. Pascal immediately runs for it, but Newton just draws a square around himself and stands there.
As he turns around he proclaims "Found you, Newton!"
"No, you found one Newton on a square-metre. You found Pascal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk4paj/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_playing_hide_and/
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Trudeau, Scheer and Singh are on a private jet.

Scheer throws a hundred dollar bill out the window and says "I'll make 1 Canadian happy". Trudeau doesn't want to look bad so he throws 2 $50 bills out the window and says " I'm going to make 2 Canadians happy". Singh throws 100 loonies out the window and says "Ha! I'm making 100 Canadians happy". The pilot comes out of the cockpit and says "if you guys don't stop throwing shit out the window, I'm gonna throw all three of you out and make 38 million Canadians happy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk4oi1/trudeau_scheer_and_singh_are_on_a_private_jet/
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There are 4 cows. 1 mom, 3 babies.

The first baby walks up to her and says, “ Mommy, why am I called Rose?” Mama says, “ Its because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head.” The second baby walks up and says, “Mommy, why is my name Lily?” Mama says, “ That is because when you were born, a lily petal fell on your head.” The third baby is stumbling along to his mommy and says,” egnafunerfnuegenaf.”
“Shut the fuck up Cinderblock”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk4fzt/there_are_4_cows_1_mom_3_babies/
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What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?

A Plagueround

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk4f1k/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_unvaccinated_children/
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What's R Kelly's favorite chord?

A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk4db5/whats_r_kellys_favorite_chord/
%
Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"
....I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk4baz/why_did_the_stock_broker_quit_his_job_to_become_a/
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A Baptist a Catholic and a Mormon were talking about their families. . .

The Baptist says “I have 4 kids, just one more and I’ll have a basketball team.”  The Catholic says “That’s nice but I have 10 kids, one more and I’ll have a football team.”  The Mormon says “Well, I have 17 wives, one more, and I’ll have a golf course.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk47nm/a_baptist_a_catholic_and_a_mormon_were_talking/
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BBQ joke (OC)

“Mmmmmmm. This all reminds me of Fred. His motto was, “Low and slow.”
“He was seriously into barbecue, huh?”
“No, unfortunately, he was a pilot “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk42yo/bbq_joke_oc/
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What do you get...

When you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk3xud/what_do_you_get/
%
Why Americans don’t use metric?

Foot fetish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk3w58/why_americans_dont_use_metric/
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Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.
“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”
“I can certainly try, for my best friend.”
Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him.
“AHHHH! Who are you?”
“Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.”
“Good hell, you scared me half to death.”
“It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.”
“Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam.
“There is baseball in heaven.”
“Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk3v8z/two_95_year_old_men_jack_and_sam_are_huge/
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Quack a doodle doo

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She said, "Excuse me, sir.  Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line.  It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.  Oh that sounds like a Master card.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots.  At first she is really embarrassed,
but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asked,
"Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00?  How did you get $34.50?"
He replied, "Yes, Ma'am.
The rod and reel is $20.00,
but the Duck Call is $11.00 and
the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
She paid the bill…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk3tdx/quack_a_doodle_doo/
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A lot of my favorite musicians died young, but at least they went doing what they loved

Drugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk3mag/a_lot_of_my_favorite_musicians_died_young_but_at/
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what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

the holocaust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk3khn/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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...constipated blonde

**Doctor:** ...whats the problem?
**blonde:** ...I have constipation, I believe it's an obstruction.
**Doctor:** ...OK take your clothes off, lay on the couch on to your left side bring your knees up to your chest whilst l take a peek!
...*the doctor examines her and coughs*!
**Doctor:** ...there's money here!
...*using forceps to pull out a £20 note*.
**blonde:** ...How much is there?
...*still finding more.... £10 notes, £50 notes and some loose change*!
**Doctor:** ...£1999.97 exactly!
**blonde:** ...I thought I wasn't feeling too grand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk3k9t/constipated_blonde/
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A Drill Sergeant goes to a strip club...

A drill sergeant stationed at Fort Benning heads down to the strip club on a friday night. He's having a good time, having a few drinks. One of the strippers takes a liking to him and offers a private dance. He agrees and they head to the back room. While she's dancing, she asks him what he does for a living. He informs her that he is a Drill Sergeant. She finds this to be very interesting and they continued to talk. More drinks are consumed, and the drill sergeant finds himself in an inebriated state. He asks the stripper if she'd like to see a trick. She agrees. So the Drill Sergeant pulls down his trousers. In a loud voice he says,
"Private, Atten-tion!"
His dick immediately goes erect.
"At ease"
His dick is instantly flacid.
The stripper claps and asks if he can do it again.
"Private, Atten-tion!"
Once again, his dick is immediately erect.
"At ease"
Instantly soft.
The stripper squeals in delight and asks him to do it one more time.
"Private, Atten-tion!"
His member is as erect as a flagpole.
"At ease"
Nothing happens
"At ease, private!"
His erection remains.
"Dag gummit, private, I said AT EASE!"
His dick remains stubbornly erect. He begins furiously masturbating. The confused stripper asks him what the hell he is doing.
"Privates that fail to follow orders get dishonorably discharged."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk3j4v/a_drill_sergeant_goes_to_a_strip_club/
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If someone asks you to spell part backwards, don’t.

It’s a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk3hvr/if_someone_asks_you_to_spell_part_backwards_dont/
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Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.
The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to know one another's theology across sectarian boundaries like this. But I think it would be even better if we shared some of our human side. Don't any of you have any bad habits? You know, confession is good for the soul, and we'd surely build mutual tolerance, knowing what faults we all share. How about it?"
The Baptist minister said, "I'd have to say that that's a fine idea. I've been carrying a burden for a long time, and I'd be glad to finally get it off my heart. You see, friends, I'm a terrible, terrible drunkard. I've got a flask in every jacket and gown I have. Half the time when the secretary tells callers that I'm out tending to my congregation, I'm really face down on my desk in my office, out cold. I can't tell you the number of baptisms, weddings, funerals, counseling sessions that I've skipped because I was absolutely plastered!"
The Episcopalian rector nodded gravely and said. "Well, that can't be worse than me. I'm a terrible, terrible adulterer. I'm completely out of control! If a woman in my parish can fog a mirror, I'll come on to her. I've got the back door keys to half the homes in my congregation, and my office couch folds out into a bed. I don't even like to have my picture taken with the children's Sunday school classes!"
The Methodist minister heaved a sigh, and said, "I'm afraid I've got that beat. I'm a terrible, terrible embezzler. I'm no good with money; and I've got a taste for high living that my salary can't satisfy. Each church I've served at could have paid down their mortgage like you wouldn't believe if not for me and my spendthrift ways. What a hypocrite I've been, brow-beating my hard-working parishioners to pledge more each year, while I spent their gifts hand over fist!"
The Catholic priest steepled his fingers and bowed his head. He said nothing. Presently one of the others said, "Well? Don't you have any skeletons to share?"
The priest shrugged and looked up. "Well, I'm a terrible, terrible gossip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk37pq/clergy_with_terrible_terrible_habits/
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They all laughed when I told them that I would discover the secrets of invisibility

If only they could see me now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk33ai/they_all_laughed_when_i_told_them_that_i_would/
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Last night I got drunk and threw up in the garbage. My wife is pissed.

Mostly because she's the one the kids are complaining to that they can't find their favorite Pixar DVD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk30xb/last_night_i_got_drunk_and_threw_up_in_the/
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What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk Irishman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk302m/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
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I told my wife that a Husband ages like wine. We get better with age.

So she locked me in the cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk2yzr/i_told_my_wife_that_a_husband_ages_like_wine_we/
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For every hour...

...comes great communism. It's hour time now, brothers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk2xco/for_every_hour/
%
A geologist, physicist and an economist are marooned on a desert island with nothing to eat.

A can of soup washes ashore. They ponder how to open it. The geologist says, ‘Let’s smash it open with a rock.’ The physicist says, ‘Let’s heat it up and blow it open.’ The economist says, ‘No, no. You guys will lose most of the soup. Let’s just assume we have a can opener.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk2vzd/a_geologist_physicist_and_an_economist_are/
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What is the difference between the US and your fingers?

You can count on your fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk2tfj/what_is_the_difference_between_the_us_and_your/
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A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined  the Garda.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the Kerryman how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk2saz/a_dublin_man_sees_a_sign_outside_a_kerry/
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Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk2icv/two_cowboys_are_lost_in_the_desert_one_of_them/
%
I was riding my motorcycle down a serpentine in Switzerland

When I entered a small forest in the valley a deer showed up in the middle of the road, and in spite of all of my maneuvering I crashed in to it and flew into a ditch going along the road and passed out. When I woke up and climbed up back to the road i saw a beautiful old cabriolet with a hot brunette sitting in it in a blouse. “According to the size of her tits, I’m probably in Paradise” I thought.
- Are you alright? It looks like you have a couple of bad scratches. I can get you to my place so I can clean and bandage them up.
- Oh thanks, I’m alright. And my wife will probably be against.
- I also have very good painkillers, I think you might want to have some.
After a few seconds of hesitating, I jumped into her car saying to myself “my wife definitely will not like this” and we took of. When we’ve got to her place, and she finished the bandaging, I immediately stood up and headed to the exit
- I’m very thankful, but I should leave now, otherwise my wife will kill me
- Don’t be sow silly she said, you should stay for a little longer
When I turned around to say my finale goodbye, she was already half naked, exposing probably the best tits in the world !!!
- I would have liked to, but my wife will definitely kill me !
- What is wrong with you ? I mean, where is your wife right now so you are so scared of her ?!?
- I don’t know, probably still in that ditch with my motorcycle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk2d08/i_was_riding_my_motorcycle_down_a_serpentine_in/
%
Our kids are very kind

But German kids are kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk1x9p/our_kids_are_very_kind/
%
What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk1vx1/whats_the_difference_between_a_computer_and_an/
%
Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?

For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk1pul/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk1jjh/hermiones_son_mum_youre_a_witch/
%
I asked my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper, she laughed at me and said "oh uncle , you're so old. Just use my phone"

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill the fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk1g7c/i_asked_my_teenage_niece_to_go_get_me_a_newspaper/
%
Why do cows wear bells?

Their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk1cg0/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
%
Two jokes that you will thank me for telling you

**The first joke can only be told by someone with a penis**
Call up a friend and say "Hey man/woman, i got a joke and it's a two parter. The first part of the joke is, what has a small dick and hangs down?" Regardless of their answer, it's a bat. Then say, "What has a big dick and hangs up?" And hang up the phone.
**THIS IS THE SECOND JOKE, A BAR BET**
Tell someone "I bet you a dollar/drink I know a song with your name in it." Regardless of their answer, it's
"Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear [thunderpud]
Happy birthday to you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk17is/two_jokes_that_you_will_thank_me_for_telling_you/
%
I woke up this morning and my wife said "turn and face me"

I replied "I'm not ready to face my problems yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk14gy/i_woke_up_this_morning_and_my_wife_said_turn_and/
%
A man enters into his bedroom with a goat in his hands.

His wife is reading a book when the man suddenly says: 'See, this is the cow I am having sex with when you have a headache.'
Wife puts the book down and says:' Are you stupid? That is a goat, not a cow.'
'I've been talking to the goat'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk124b/a_man_enters_into_his_bedroom_with_a_goat_in_his/
%
What do an uncircumcised penis and the Ku Klux Klan have in common?

They’re both pricks in oversized hoods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk103k/what_do_an_uncircumcised_penis_and_the_ku_klux/
%
My wife and I had a row and it finished with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees!

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk0z84/my_wife_and_i_had_a_row_and_it_finished_with_her/
%
One shop owner turns and asks another...

“So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”
He replied.
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk0ws6/one_shop_owner_turns_and_asks_another/
%
Voyeurs make the worst gay people.

They never want to come out of the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk0skf/voyeurs_make_the_worst_gay_people/
%
I stepped outside for a smoke, and a guy in a wheelchair rolled up and said “why do you smoke if you don’t have to?”

So I asked him, “What the fuck are you wearing shoes for?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk0mon/i_stepped_outside_for_a_smoke_and_a_guy_in_a/
%
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk0l2m/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank_and_approaches_the_teller/
%
Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.
Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.
It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted
prose.
You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk0f1x/can_you_write_a_whole_paragraph_without_the/
%
I won’t be posting any jokes over the next few days. I've got to revise for a practical exam in pest control.

I'll probably be up all night swatting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk0epd/i_wont_be_posting_any_jokes_over_the_next_few/
%
We choose to masturbate,

not because it is easy, but because it is hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk0avl/we_choose_to_masturbate/
%
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.

Pun in, 10 dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk0839/pun_enters_a_room_kills_10_people/
%
I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition....

I still don't know where I came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dk00o0/i_entered_a_blindfolded_masturbation_competition/
%
I pee on the side of the bowl to make less noise.

My sister wasn't happy that I ruined her cereal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djzxyh/i_pee_on_the_side_of_the_bowl_to_make_less_noise/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djzqlm/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djzpju/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge.

It was a loco motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djzkzp/a_latino_gang_member_has_received_poor_customer/
%
How do trees connect to the Internet?

They log on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djzh21/how_do_trees_connect_to_the_internet/
%
Even with Alzheimer's, I've been enjoying myself.

Whoever that is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djzfy9/even_with_alzheimers_ive_been_enjoying_myself/
%
What's the difference between Hitler and the Boston marathon bomber?

The bomber actually stopped a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djzfic/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_the/
%
The clock makes my head itch.

First it goes tick, then there's the itch, and the tock removes it.
And it repeats on and on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djz3ba/the_clock_makes_my_head_itch/
%
Who’s a better boxer, Jim Jones or Mike Tyson?

Jim Jones, he knocked out over 900 people with just one punch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djz0ya/whos_a_better_boxer_jim_jones_or_mike_tyson/
%
Stupid kid

A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2  euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djyyeh/stupid_kid/
%
3 little kids, Leafy, Rainy and Bricky.

They were asking their mother about their names.
Leafy asked:
— Mama, why is my name Leafy?
The Mother answered:
— Cause when you were born a Leaf fell on your head
Then Rainy asked:
— Mama, why is my name Rainy?
— Because when your were born, the water from the rain fell on your head
Then Bricky Asked:
SANMAM,,, EHYWY DISIIS HJHHTMHMGM AMENMA BFIJCKCY¿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djyx01/3_little_kids_leafy_rainy_and_bricky/
%
Why do ghosts make bad liars?

Because you can see right through them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djyvq3/why_do_ghosts_make_bad_liars/
%
Wise Master Akira

A Japanese man asked his master:
"Master Akira, why does everybody think that we all look the same?"
And he answered:
"I am not Master Akira."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djyqi8/wise_master_akira/
%
The pen is mightier than the sword...

And considerably easier to write with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djy9y7/the_pen_is_mightier_than_the_sword/
%
What's the difference between and Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral?

One less drunk...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djy5x4/whats_the_difference_between_and_irish_wedding/
%
A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.

The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.
The lady mentions hat her new husband is a funeral director.
Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands.
She pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, she shares some details about her first husbands.
The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a funeral director.
The reporter asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.
She responds, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djxms5/a_news_station_was_interviewing_an_80year_old/
%
I have a great UDP joke for you

I'm not sure if you will get it though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djxl9a/i_have_a_great_udp_joke_for_you/
%
What is the difference between high and drunk people?

Drunk people will run through a stop sign, while high people stop at the sign and wait for it to turn green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djxilj/what_is_the_difference_between_high_and_drunk/
%
Whats worse than finding a hole in your condom ?

Finding a condom in your hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djxfzf/whats_worse_than_finding_a_hole_in_your_condom/
%
What does a girl have two of but a cow has more?

Legs, you pervert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djx4ie/what_does_a_girl_have_two_of_but_a_cow_has_more/
%
What is a pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djx2l4/what_is_a_pirates_worst_nightmare/
%
What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?

I’ll see you next month

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djwxx1/what_did_the_lesbian_vampire_say_to_her_date/
%
cop: I pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

**me:** Dang, 68? can you make that number a *little* cooler so I can hear the judge read it out loud haha
**cop:** Sure, whatever.
[later in traffic court]
**judge:** How were you going 420 in a 55?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djwx2l/cop_i_pulled_you_over_for_going_68_in_a_55/
%
What did eight say to zero?

You need a belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djwvsu/what_did_eight_say_to_zero/
%
A teacher asked what the most flammable thing is

A Jewish kid said oh me me me while raising his hand
The teacher said good what else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djwv6q/a_teacher_asked_what_the_most_flammable_thing_is/
%
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fishually impaired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djwswi/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
%
A man was talking to a vampire at 11 PM

Man: so you disintegrate when you see the sun?
Vampire: yes.
Man: then how do tou survive in the moonlight?
Vampire: what?
Man: the moon is just reflecting off of the sun.
Vampire: ...
And that children, is why vampires don't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djwqwu/a_man_was_talking_to_a_vampire_at_11_pm/
%
I keep my house in strict military order.

My kitchen is always a mess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djwmwz/i_keep_my_house_in_strict_military_order/
%
I find it wild that people would use cleaning products on their skeletons.

But to bleach their bone, I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djwj4k/i_find_it_wild_that_people_would_use_cleaning/
%
A good shit is like a good therapy session.

After letting everything out, you feel all the pressure relieved, and thankfully only one person could hear it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djwi4a/a_good_shit_is_like_a_good_therapy_session/
%
Yo' Mama is so ugly

\*\*..yo' daddy takes her to work with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.\*\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djwhyk/yo_mama_is_so_ugly/
%
My math teacher called me average.

How mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djwhkh/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
%
guy who's about to invent croutons

*[eating salad]:* I wish this hurt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djw8rc/guy_whos_about_to_invent_croutons/
%
Matthew McConaughey says he saw a ghost.

It was all white, all white, all white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djw5li/matthew_mcconaughey_says_he_saw_a_ghost/
%
A man is being arrested...

by a female police officer, who informs him,
“Anything you say can and will be held against you.”
The man says, “Boobs!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djw2b2/a_man_is_being_arrested/
%
One time at school, I lost my thesaurus.

I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djvkew/one_time_at_school_i_lost_my_thesaurus/
%
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djviwm/how_do_you_fix_a_broken_pumpkin/
%
My town has a large epilepsy hospital

Today, I wanted to do something nice for the kids: they’re always so sad about not being able to do normal things. It was a $1200 investment for all of them total, but...
Who’s ready for laser tag!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djvg3a/my_town_has_a_large_epilepsy_hospital/
%
I just burned 2000 calories..

..that's the last time I leave brownies in the oven when I nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djvatv/i_just_burned_2000_calories/
%
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey

But I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djva7m/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
%
My grandfather was a dwarf

Poor guy always struggled to put food on the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djv717/my_grandfather_was_a_dwarf/
%
George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.

He even used the name when he had a little grill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djv0hc/george_foreman_named_all_his_kids_george_foreman/
%
My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them.

I have an uncle, once removed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djuxcb/my_dad_was_born_with_a_conjoined_twin_but_the/
%
I saw a doctor's office that does proton therapy.

I never thought that subatomic particles would need therapy, but I guess it's not easy being positive all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djuwzu/i_saw_a_doctors_office_that_does_proton_therapy/
%
What’s the best thing about having vegetables for dinner?

They can only eat as much as you allow them to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djuuln/whats_the_best_thing_about_having_vegetables_for/
%
My brother asked me "what does procrastination mean?"

I said "I'll tell ya tomorrow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djur3p/my_brother_asked_me_what_does_procrastination_mean/
%
Guy walks into a funeral home

He tells the receptionist, “my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.”
Receptionist says, “sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we’ll get the process started.”
Guy says, “well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.”
“Ah,” the receptionist says. “The plot thickens.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djuo8a/guy_walks_into_a_funeral_home/
%
Have you heard about the suicide bomber fetish?

Wearing only a vest you run out in public and blow your DNA all over everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djuo5w/have_you_heard_about_the_suicide_bomber_fetish/
%
What do i do when i see someone gorgeous?

I stare,
I adore,
I smile,
Then i put the mirror down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djungg/what_do_i_do_when_i_see_someone_gorgeous/
%
A penguin took his car to the mechanic.

The penguin left to get some ice cream and returned a few minutes later.
"It looks like you blew a seal" said the mechanic.
"Gross, its just ice cream" replied the penguin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djuiqm/a_penguin_took_his_car_to_the_mechanic/
%
You may have heard of No Nut November

But after I came twice in April what I’m really hoping for is a No Fetus February

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djugyd/you_may_have_heard_of_no_nut_november/
%
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?

Entities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djug2m/what_do_you_call_a_ghosts_boobs/
%
A lion walks into a bar...

Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djufr9/a_lion_walks_into_a_bar/
%
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route:

No problems for the first few stops.
A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the driver and said. "Big John doesn't pay!" And sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek?
Well, he was.
Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened...
Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.
And the next day and the one after that, and so forth.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer.
He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said. "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed. "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied. "Big John has a bus pass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dju90d/one_fine_day_a_bus_driver_went_to_the_bus_garage/
%
What is a vegans worst fear?

Laryngitis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dju4ut/what_is_a_vegans_worst_fear/
%
Someone just shoved a bomb into a bull's ass.

Just abominable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dju48r/someone_just_shoved_a_bomb_into_a_bulls_ass/
%
Back in my day we didn’t call them school shootings

We called them surprise hide and seek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dju3tj/back_in_my_day_we_didnt_call_them_school_shootings/
%
What do you call a drunk person trying to unlock their car?

An Uber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dju3du/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_person_trying_to_unlock/
%
What is a pothead's favorite bug?

A Roach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djtxpe/what_is_a_potheads_favorite_bug/
%
I’m an average man...

But sometimes I can get kinda mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djtu0e/im_an_average_man/
%
Elton John has never had a parrot

But he’s had a cockatoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djtshf/elton_john_has_never_had_a_parrot/
%
Today at work My coworker graced me with this scenario

Guy we know is walking into bathroom.
Coworker says "Good luck."
Guy says "Come and get me if I am not out in 10 minutes."
Coworker says "Write how much you weigh on the wall in case you fall in. That way we know how much shit to pull out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djtpu9/today_at_work_my_coworker_graced_me_with_this/
%
Because before the setup, the punchline he says

Why Yoda tell jokes can't?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djtnzu/because_before_the_setup_the_punchline_he_says/
%
Superman is flying high above the sky when he notices Wonder Woman lying naked on a rooftop with her legs spread...

...so he decides to quickly fly down, bone her, and fly out before she even notices. In a split second he swooshes in and does just that.
"What was that?" Wonder Woman shouts loudly.
"I don't know but my butt hurts," Invisible Man replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djtnbo/superman_is_flying_high_above_the_sky_when_he/
%
What did Hermes do when he broke the statue?

He Apollo-gized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djtklu/what_did_hermes_do_when_he_broke_the_statue/
%
Why doesn't Gordon Ramsay like having sex without a condom?

IT'S FUCKING RAW!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djtjf8/why_doesnt_gordon_ramsay_like_having_sex_without/
%
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djtigo/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
%
Only anti-vaxxers will get this one...

Small-Pox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djtgz1/only_antivaxxers_will_get_this_one/
%
Why can’t you have more than 99 people listen to toto’s Africa at once?

Its something that 100 men or more could never do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djtbhb/why_cant_you_have_more_than_99_people_listen_to/
%
What do you call an anti-vaxer's child's terrible twos?

A midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djt622/what_do_you_call_an_antivaxers_childs_terrible/
%
I broke my finger yesterday...

... on the other hand, I'm okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djt3s9/i_broke_my_finger_yesterday/
%
I would tell you a joke about my washing up liquid...

But it’s not Fairy Original

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djswwr/i_would_tell_you_a_joke_about_my_washing_up_liquid/
%
When do guys wear black condoms?

When they have mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djsvun/when_do_guys_wear_black_condoms/
%
Say what you want about deaf people.

Seriously, say whatever you want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djsl3s/say_what_you_want_about_deaf_people/
%
I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today. "Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again. I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"

"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djsi4k/i_saw_a_bloke_sobbing_uncontrollably_at_a/
%
What’s the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?

.. The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djsgiy/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_eating_a_vegetable/
%
3 men die and go to heaven

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter
Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas
The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"
He is allowed into heaven
The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells"
He is allowed into heaven
The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear
Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?!
The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djsg1m/3_men_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
If I ever find the surgeon who screwed up my transplant I'll kill him...

With my bear hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djsc0q/if_i_ever_find_the_surgeon_who_screwed_up_my/
%
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djs9my/a_man_sued_an_airline_company_after_it_lost_his/
%
If I told you I had a Microsoft Office pun

Would you say "Word"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djs5sz/if_i_told_you_i_had_a_microsoft_office_pun/
%
I was taken advantage of my first day of college

I was young.
There were more than one of them.
They wanted my interest and they got it.
They said I couldn't back out.
And it won't be that bad.
I took more than I could handle and it hurt.
Now it burdens me every day.
They said after college the pain would gradually go away.
But here I am years later.
Still paying off those damn student loans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djs2or/i_was_taken_advantage_of_my_first_day_of_college/
%
Have I ever told you about the worst blowjob I've ever had?

It was awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djrq88/have_i_ever_told_you_about_the_worst_blowjob_ive/
%
There are so many reposts on this sub that all hope seems lost on original content. This post will say otherwise.

Otherwise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djrkql/there_are_so_many_reposts_on_this_sub_that_all/
%
I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card and he burst into tears.

He said, "One would have been enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djrfjg/i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_and_he/
%
When you swim in the creek and something bites your cheek

That's a moray!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djrdyf/when_you_swim_in_the_creek_and_something_bites/
%
A roman general reports to Emperor Tiberius

General: Ave Ceasar! I have news about the guy who called himself the son of God...what was his name... Juses? Jeusus?
Tiberius: Jesus...
General: Nailed it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djrbtj/a_roman_general_reports_to_emperor_tiberius/
%
A man walks into a convenience store,

Picks up a can of fly spray and asks the assistant
"Is this good for wasps?"
The assistant replied:
"No. It kills them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djra9m/a_man_walks_into_a_convenience_store/
%
What do you call two identical looking boobs?

Identities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djr88y/what_do_you_call_two_identical_looking_boobs/
%
Tip: when making a sex tape, play Disney music in the background.

That way, if it ever gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djr4g7/tip_when_making_a_sex_tape_play_disney_music_in/
%
Why are balloons expensive?

Inflation!
I’ll see myself out, unless this blows up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djr457/why_are_balloons_expensive/
%
I took a drawing lesson about perspective

The teacher didn’t go into depth about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djr2mt/i_took_a_drawing_lesson_about_perspective/
%
When you get that funny feeling your wife is going to refuse to have sex with you . . .

It’s a pre dick shun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djqyf7/when_you_get_that_funny_feeling_your_wife_is/
%
The top 10 puns wouldn't make it onto a list of top 10 jokes.

No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djqxe5/the_top_10_puns_wouldnt_make_it_onto_a_list_of/
%
I found out why nurses carry red crayons...

In case they have to draw blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djqq3e/i_found_out_why_nurses_carry_red_crayons/
%
Never trust a train conductor!

They all have loco motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djqiew/never_trust_a_train_conductor/
%
What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles?

Stop laughing and untie him from the ceiling fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djq76l/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_baby_spinning_in/
%
Do you know how to catch a bra?

You set up a booby trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djq23s/do_you_know_how_to_catch_a_bra/
%
What does the "F" in Hong Kong stand for ?

Freedom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djpzv5/what_does_the_f_in_hong_kong_stand_for/
%
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djpzmv/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
Buck was selling his car and a girl named Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3,500 and a blow job?” He smiled and replied “You’ve got a deal!” . . .

He was excited he got the
“Kelly Blew Buck” price!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djpqmj/buck_was_selling_his_car_and_a_girl_named_kelly/
%
I work from home sometimes

When I'm working from home, I sometimes put a blanket over me.
You could say, I work undercover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djpq6z/i_work_from_home_sometimes/
%
A hunter was in a tree with his muzzle loader when he sees a bear coming down the path...

A hunter was in a tree with his muzzle loader when he sees a bear coming down the path.  He takes careful aim and fires.  The smoke clears and he peers down at the path.  No bear!  The hunter feels a tap on his shoulder, looks behind him and sees the bear.  "Were you trying to kill me?" the bear growls.  "No, no, of course not."  "I don't believe you" responded the bear.  Without another word, the bear throws the hunter over the branch and proceeds to screw the hell out of him.
The next day the hunter brought his AR-15.  He climbed up the same tree and waited.  Sure enough, here came the bear.  The hunter lets fly with a dozen rounds.  The smokes clears; no bear!  TAP, TAP.  The hunter slowly looked around at the bear.  "Just target shooting, I suppose" says the bear.  "Uh, well" the hunter mumbled.  Without waiting for another word, the bear throws the hunter over a tree limb and proceeds to screw him again.
The next day the hunter borrows a BAR from a friend.  He climbs into the tree and waits.  The bear arrives and the hunter empties the clip. Smoke clears; no bear.  Tap, tap.  The hunter looks around again.  The bear says, "You really aren't here for the hunting, are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djpp9b/a_hunter_was_in_a_tree_with_his_muzzle_loader/
%
A sadist and a masochist were on a deserted island

The masochist said to the sadist: "Hurt me"
The sadist replied: "No"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djpnw2/a_sadist_and_a_masochist_were_on_a_deserted_island/
%
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djp7ye/president_donald_trump_and_his_driver_were/
%
I'm pretty good at my job servicing portable toilets...

I clean the shit outta 'em

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djp75n/im_pretty_good_at_my_job_servicing_portable/
%
A woman walks into a hospital with 2 burned ears

They ask "How on Earth did this happen?!"
"Well," The woman starts. "I was ironing my husband's shirt when the phone rang. I mistook the iron for my phone, and put it up to my ear, and that's how it got burned."
"And what about the other ear?"
The woman scoffed.
"The fucker called back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djp5s5/a_woman_walks_into_a_hospital_with_2_burned_ears/
%
What’s Goku’s favorite beer?

Kamehameheineken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djp4u7/whats_gokus_favorite_beer/
%
Why did the pachycephalosaurus cross into incoming traffic?

Because it was a total bonehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djp2uj/why_did_the_pachycephalosaurus_cross_into/
%
Vegans don't beat their meat

They beat their "0% dairy all organic tofu"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djovla/vegans_dont_beat_their_meat/
%
I've always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.

He's always wanted to be a millionaire too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djoura/ive_always_wanted_to_be_a_millionaire_just_like/
%
Did you know the first French fries weren't fried in France?

They were fried in grease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djopw6/did_you_know_the_first_french_fries_werent_fried/
%
What do you call an Immigrant fighting a rapist?

Alien vs. Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djolpf/what_do_you_call_an_immigrant_fighting_a_rapist/
%
The world's press gathers...

...at a press conference announced by the team at  CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and  smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She  begins to speak.
“Thank you all  for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make regarding  our research at CERN. We believe we have made the most important  scientific discovery in history.”
The assembled correspondents shuffle and whisper in anticipation. The spokeswoman pauses for silence and then continues.
“We  are thrilled to announce that we have discovered that there are an  infinite number of universes parallel to our own. Furthermore, we know  that sentient life exists in billions of them.”
There  is an audible gasp from the audience, accompanied by a cacophony of  camera shutters. The noise dies down quickly as members of the press  wait for the spokeswoman’s next words.
“We have performed a deep survey of these universes and have acquired a huge amount of data about them.”
“What have you determined?” interrupts one of the correspondents.
“Well,”  says the spokeswoman, “we have some good news and some bad news. The  bad news is that our universe, by any reasonable measure, is the very  worst universe of all the ones we have surveyed”.
Another gasp from the audience.
“What’s the good news?” asks the correspondent.
“We’re in universe number 69”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djol4w/the_worlds_press_gathers/
%
What do the Chinese call their navy

The censor ships

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djoezs/what_do_the_chinese_call_their_navy/
%
Xi Jinping walks into a bar with a small bear

\[redacted\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djoaoe/xi_jinping_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_small_bear/
%
What is the name of the elderly man that won three bingos in a row?

Jerry hat-trick ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djo9s4/what_is_the_name_of_the_elderly_man_that_won/
%
Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand up comedian?

Apparently it’s all about the delivery for some people...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djo9bd/did_you_hear_about_the_obstetrician_who_became_a/
%
Why does Bernie need glasses?

He doesn’t have 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djo7vu/why_does_bernie_need_glasses/
%
Two people are fighting over a toaster

One decides to end the argument and says “put a fork in it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djo6r7/two_people_are_fighting_over_a_toaster/
%
Knock Knock

Who’s there?
Smell mop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djo2hl/knock_knock/
%
I promise I'll never curse any more

I swear to God

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djo0hl/i_promise_ill_never_curse_any_more/
%
What did the pirate say when someone missed the joke?

Arrrrr/woosh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djnzcf/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_someone_missed_the/
%
How do you make a tissue sail the seven seas?

Put some seamen in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djns3f/how_do_you_make_a_tissue_sail_the_seven_seas/
%
Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djns2o/thank_god_for_dollar_shave_club/
%
Just saw the Netflix documentary about Chewbacca and his porcelain talents...

It's called "Hairy Potter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djnkeo/just_saw_the_netflix_documentary_about_chewbacca/
%
Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.

3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him.
First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No"
so she hugged him & walked on.
The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No"
so she kissed him & walked on.
Third said "You ever been fucked?"
He said "No" as his eyes lit up... she said "You will be when the tide comes in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djng5g/man_sat_on_a_towel_on_a_beach_he_had_no_arms_or/
%
What do the Houston Astros and Betty Crocker have in common?

A great selection of batters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djnb8o/what_do_the_houston_astros_and_betty_crocker_have/
%
I was up all night wondering...

if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djn8dc/i_was_up_all_night_wondering/
%
It’s normal for married couples to fight.

The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djn863/its_normal_for_married_couples_to_fight/
%
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djn7pc/website_we_use_cookies_to_improve_performance/
%
What has two butts and kills people ?

An assassin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djmzys/what_has_two_butts_and_kills_people/
%
The apple

Guy goes to a bar and orders a rum and coke. The bartender hands him an apple. Guy says WTF and the bartender insists, Just Taste It!
Guy bites it and it tastes like rum! The bartender says Now Turn It Around. The guy does and it tastes like coke! The guy is amazed and chomps away
Another guy comes in, orders and gin and tonic and the bartender hands him an apple. The first guy says Just Try It, Its Worth It. Second guy tries it and it tastes like gin! The bartender tells him to turn it around. He does and it tastes like tonic! Cool!
The guys are enjoying their apples when a third guys comes in. First guys says, order anything, this bartender has apples that taste like anything you want. Third guys says, Oh Yeah, got one that tastes like vagina? The bartender hands him an apple.
The third guy bites in and yells Damn! This apple tastes like shjt! To which the bartender replies "Turn It Around!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djmzw9/the_apple/
%
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

I couldn’t differentiate between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djmpxm/i_failed_my_calculus_exam_because_i_was_seated/
%
We were always taught the rule, i before e except after c...

But now it's been disproved by science.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djmpcc/we_were_always_taught_the_rule_i_before_e_except/
%
Joker to Batman: "Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?"

"Yeah sure."
Joker: "Ok, parental love".
Batman: "I don't get it.."
"exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djmohq/joker_to_batman_hey_batman_wanna_hear_a_joke/
%
Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always stuttering like that?”

-
Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djmn81/doctor_to_mrs_spew_is_your_daughter_always/
%
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djmjqw/i_keep_telling_my_wife_i_want_a_segway_for_my/
%
Silent but deadly

2 old people are quietly praying in church with everybody on a Sunday when the old lady suddenly lets out a sneaky fart. She turns to her husband and says
“I’ve just silently farted what should I do?”
He husband says back
“I don’t know but you need to change the batteries in your hearing aid”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djmiyl/silent_but_deadly/
%
I go to get some therapy

The therapist says, “Where do you see yourself in 14 years?”
I say back, “I dunno, a mirror.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djmis1/i_go_to_get_some_therapy/
%
You know what animal scares me the most?

A *cari-boo!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djmc9t/you_know_what_animal_scares_me_the_most/
%
Why do you always invite two Mormons to a party?

Because if you invite only one, he'll drink all the booze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djmc0v/why_do_you_always_invite_two_mormons_to_a_party/
%
What does a Hogwards student say when he walks into a door?

Fucking dumb ole' door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djmatn/what_does_a_hogwards_student_say_when_he_walks/
%
After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.
After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile’s and sometimes a wink.
All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djm8sm/after_trying_many_fruits_and_vegetables_in_my/
%
Bloodhound tried for Nazi war crimes

He was only following odours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djm6nr/bloodhound_tried_for_nazi_war_crimes/
%
Three ladies were enjoying wine spritzers, when one suggested they play a game!

She proposed each wife describe which Soda Pop best described their husband in bed?
The First Lady said “my husband is Dr.Pepper, because every night he’s peppy”!
They all giggled!
The second lady said  “my husband is 7UP, cause he can get it up 7 days a week”!
The ladies howled over this one!
The third lady said “my husband is Jack Daniels “
The two ladies looked puzzled and said .. “Jack Daniels is a hard liquor”
Third lady “ SO’S MY HUSBAND”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djm6ak/three_ladies_were_enjoying_wine_spritzers_when/
%
Walked into my parents having sex.

The awkward part was my boner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djlh59/walked_into_my_parents_having_sex/
%
What happens if you throw a sheep, a drum and a snake down a cliff?

Ba dum tss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djlgqg/what_happens_if_you_throw_a_sheep_a_drum_and_a/
%
It's kind of patronising

that a computer asks you to prove you're not a robot...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djlgpc/its_kind_of_patronising/
%
Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djlb6b/why_do_bees_have_sticky_hair/
%
You were expecting perfume...

But it was me, Deo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djl5ou/you_were_expecting_perfume/
%
Sex life

My sex live is like Cola,
first it was good,
then it was light.
Now it is zero.
I've decided to switch to Pepsi and now it's the Max!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djl25n/sex_life/
%
I haven’t seen Mr Tree in days...

I thought he moved to another branch
But it turns out he was just on leaf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djkwa5/i_havent_seen_mr_tree_in_days/
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Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon arriving the devil tells him that they are out of space but he definitely belongs there and he's gonna have to take the spot of someone else.
The 1st Room they go to has Adolf Hitler huffing  puffing and  shuffling papers around a desk. Donny says he definitely doesn't want any of that.
When they get to the 2nd Room they see osama bin Ladin with a sledge hammer breaking big rocks into smaller rocks,  Donny passes on this too.
When they get to the 3rd Room and open the door they see Bill Clinton getting a blow job from Monica Lewinsky.  Danny smiles and says "This room is for me".
The devil says "OK Monica you're free to leave".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djkw2j/donald_trump_goes_to_hell/
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The F# and C# on my piano don't play.

F#c#.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djkvwp/the_f_and_c_on_my_piano_dont_play/
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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.
As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
The man tries to ignore him and finishes washing and drying his hands. The dwarf tries once more to get his attention.
\- Hey... please dude help me... I need \*buuurp\* I need your help dude!
The man sighs and says to the dwarf:
\- What is it?
\- I... I'm too short. I can't reach up... Can you lift me up?
\- No way!
\- Please dude, I'm about to piss my pants!
The man looks around and since there is no one else in the bathroom he figures he can do it quickly and no one will see.
He lifts the dwarf up so he can stand on the edge of the urinal. The dwarf is leaning with both hands against the wall.
\- Could you... could you open my fly?
\- Are you serious? Why would I do that?
\- Pleeease... I can't do it, I will fall if I let go of the wall!
Again the man is worried that someone will see him but figures he can to it fast.
He opens the fly on the dwarf's jeans and quickly backs away. As he is about to walk out of the bathroom the dwarf asks him for one last favor.
\- Ehm dude... could you... you know, take it out for me?
\- You got to be fucking kidding me, there is no way I'm touching your dick!
\- Please dude, I really have to pee!
Feeling a bit guilty for putting the dwarf in the situation and seeing that he's already somewhat committed he opens the bathroom door to make sure no one is coming.
He then marches over to the dwarf and reaches into his pants and pulls his dick out.
He's disgusted with what he sees, the dwarfs dick is a bloody and pussy mess and the man quickly lets go and backs away making every effort not to puke.
\- What the hell is wrong with your dick?!? You should see a doctor about that!
The dwarf is almost crying.
\- I already have! \*sniff\*
\- Well what did he say?
\- Whatever you do, don't touch it!
(this is a rough translation from Swedish of a joke my dad told me when I was young)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djkv4j/a_man_walks_into_the_pub_bathroom/
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Unlucky

Q: A plane is carrying one hundred bricks. One falls out. How many are left on the plane?
A: 99.
Q: What are the three steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?
A: Open the fridge, put the giraffe in, and close the fridge.
Q: What are the four steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?
A: Open the fridge, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, and close the fridge.
Q: Today is the lion king’s birthday party. All animals except for one arrive. Which animal is missing and why?
A: The elephant is missing because he is still stuck in the fridge.
Q: Sally must cross an alligator-infested river in order to safely make it out of a huge jungle. Usually, the alligators would kill any animal that approaches their waters. However, Sally makes it across safely. Why?
A: All the alligators are at the lion king’s birthday party.
Q: Unfortunately, Sally still dies. How did she die?
A: She was hit in the head by a falling brick.
Hope this wasn’t already posted. it’s funnier when you say it out loud and wait for them to ask ‘what’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djkuar/unlucky/
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A man who had three beautiful girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.
The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you cause I love you so much."
The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."
The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in stock market, to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djksn1/a_man_who_had_three_beautiful_girlfriends/
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Did you hear about the discerning entomologist with a degree in accounting?

He was into fine-ants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djkpqz/did_you_hear_about_the_discerning_entomologist/
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A cowboy walks into a saloon with his friend and points at one of the seven men sitting there.

"You see him?"
"Which one?"
The cowboy draws his revolver and shoots six of them. He points at the remaining one and says:
"This one."
"So? What about him?"
"Fuckin' hate this guy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djko0e/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_saloon_with_his_friend_and/
%
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djkmzt/i_tried_to_share_a_bag_of_chips_with_a_homeless/
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My friend Tom told me he feels so uncomfortable and said that i have no respect for personal space

It totally ruined our bath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djkl5f/my_friend_tom_told_me_he_feels_so_uncomfortable/
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Did you hear that the Apple CEO announced he was gay?

The next day the Samsung CEO also announced he was gay and waterproof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djkkym/did_you_hear_that_the_apple_ceo_announced_he_was/
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Cigarettes are like squirrels.

Theyre perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djkca3/cigarettes_are_like_squirrels/
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Why didn't the mermaid finish high school?

Because her grades were always under the C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djk5td/why_didnt_the_mermaid_finish_high_school/
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Are you searching for a remote job with no prior experience required, $120k base pay+commission and a high-end company car? PM me.

We'll search together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djjukn/are_you_searching_for_a_remote_job_with_no_prior/
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What do humans and jokes have in common?

They may have not been before, but after you dissect them, they're definitely dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djjqsi/what_do_humans_and_jokes_have_in_common/
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What’s Hitler’s least favorite drink?

Juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djjpqu/whats_hitlers_least_favorite_drink/
%
Sometimes when I’m naked...

Things just feel... *off*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djjord/sometimes_when_im_naked/
%
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djjh5y/what_lies_at_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_and_twitches/
%
Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djjgg5/donald_trump_just_turned_73/
%
If Bruce Willis dies from an overdose of viagra,

the headlines would be Bruce Willis dies hard
ok I'll leave now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djjawt/if_bruce_willis_dies_from_an_overdose_of_viagra/
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There was this guy giving away candy for piss.

He always shouted "Urine for a treat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djj1fn/there_was_this_guy_giving_away_candy_for_piss/
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If you have one Portuguese...

... shouldn't it be portu-goose?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djizn6/if_you_have_one_portuguese/
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Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.

Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom.
As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me another condom because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too".  The pharmacist gave him a second condom.
As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more condom. Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third condom.
During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us".
Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ....".  More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djiqjq/peter_is_invited_to_dinner_with_his_girlfriends/
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Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djiqa4/police_officer_how_high_are_you/
%
Sam did something wrong at work, and he felt guilty about it.

It ate him inside, and then there would be a voice  that said: “Don’t feel bad. Every doctor has had sex with at least one of their patients.”
Then another one would bring him back to reality: “For the love of God, you are a VETERINARIAN!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djiq2z/sam_did_something_wrong_at_work_and_he_felt/
%
A man in Alabama was arrested for murdering his wife, Sister and Cousin

He was charged with one count of murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djindz/a_man_in_alabama_was_arrested_for_murdering_his/
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What do you call a BUTTERfly without any wings??? ;) ;)

Dead. Definitely dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djikln/what_do_you_call_a_butterfly_without_any_wings/
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Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?

He kept cutting in line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djigp7/why_did_the_emo_kid_get_kicked_out_of_the/
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Job Profile

The CEO during a site visit to the office asks a young Manager "Yes smarty, What do you do?"
Manager (calmly) : "Sir, I'm the Sexual Advisor to the VP."
Pin drop silence ensues, photographer stops taking pictures, all others stop working and start looking around.
The CEO looks with glaring eyes at the VP; VP glares at the manager, "Explain your last remark Idiot."
Manager (looking at the CEO) : Actually Sir, whenever I say something, the VP says *"When I need your fucking advice, I'll ask for it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djifwp/job_profile/
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Why does Orange County hate r/jokes?

Because r/jokes doesn't appreciate OC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djifcz/why_does_orange_county_hate_rjokes/
%
Why don't black people sleep?

The last one to have a dream got shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djic7r/why_dont_black_people_sleep/
%
What kind of bees make milk?

boo (bees)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dji8vd/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk/
%
How does the blind skydiver know when to open the parachute?

When the leash goes slack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dji8ga/how_does_the_blind_skydiver_know_when_to_open_the/
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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djhzqs/a_guy_gets_home_early_from_work_and_hears_strange/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djhq3u/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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How do you know when a redhead has been sexual satisfied by you?

She unties you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djhq35/how_do_you_know_when_a_redhead_has_been_sexual/
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and sees that the line is so long it's coming out the front door. He gets in line anyway and eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, the limo line at the rental office is snaking around the whole building, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she says she's thirsty and could use a drink, so he heads over to the punch table and gets her some punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djhojt/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
%
I think I finally concluded who my favorite X-Man is.

It’s gotta be Caitlyn Jenner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djho37/i_think_i_finally_concluded_who_my_favorite_xman/
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A Star Trek fan meets William Shatner.

"Wow. I can't believe I'm meeting you at Comic Corn."
"Actually, it's called Comic Con"
"Com?"
"Con."
"Cold?"
"Com!
"Cookie?"
"CONNNNNNNN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djhn7a/a_star_trek_fan_meets_william_shatner/
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As of 2019, Trump is the best Thanksgiving president.

He let the biggest Turkey off scot free.
A month earlier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djhmrf/as_of_2019_trump_is_the_best_thanksgiving/
%
A pirate awkwardly stumbles into a bar.

Bartender: What's wrong?
Pirate: Aye, a scallywag shoved me boat's steering wheel down me pants and it's stuck there in me crotch!
Bartender: That sounds painful.
Pirate: Aye, it's a driving me nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djhlgr/a_pirate_awkwardly_stumbles_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the chicken kill itself?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djhicg/why_did_the_chicken_kill_itself/
%
What are the best shoes to wear for stealth purposes?

Sneakers made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djhh4h/what_are_the_best_shoes_to_wear_for_stealth/
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Religious squirrels

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about  their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djhahw/religious_squirrels/
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Broccoli is like anal sex

If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
\-This is a re-post from r/memes, SlakthusDisko, unable to cross post memes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djha5b/broccoli_is_like_anal_sex/
%
I walked into the men's restroom at a police station.

As I walked in, a creepy guy rushed over to me and pulled me close. He told me he would give me "Candy" in exchange for my pee. I assumed he had to pass a test or something.
I told him, "Well, it's your lucky day, I came into this restroom to pee!"
He smiled and told me, "Urine for a treat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djh509/i_walked_into_the_mens_restroom_at_a_police/
%
Q: Why do Hong Kong riot police come to work early?

A: To beat the crowds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djgzxf/q_why_do_hong_kong_riot_police_come_to_work_early/
%
There are three things holding me back in life:

1. Extreme ADHD that makes it impossible to finish a task.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djgxon/there_are_three_things_holding_me_back_in_life/
%
I once tripped on a pickle.

I'm over it now but it was a big dill at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djgv6m/i_once_tripped_on_a_pickle/
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."
"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djgmbw/atheism_is_a_nonprophet_organization/
%
Why did the house built by 2 lesbians collapse?

It was all tongue and groove, no studs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djgi9n/why_did_the_house_built_by_2_lesbians_collapse/
%
I asked what LGBTQ meant...

I couldn’t get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djg69k/i_asked_what_lgbtq_meant/
%
What do you called a duck that’s a drug addict

A Quack Head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djg4ia/what_do_you_called_a_duck_thats_a_drug_addict/
%
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djg22v/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
Sex before marriage is a sin.

Sex after marriage is a miracle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djfy1u/sex_before_marriage_is_a_sin/
%
" All men are dogs" my mom said, so I bit her

Now I have a surprise visit with the Doc tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djfv4v/all_men_are_dogs_my_mom_said_so_i_bit_her/
%
I was walking along the other day and stepped in dog shit.

As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that".
He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djft8r/i_was_walking_along_the_other_day_and_stepped_in/
%
It's mad windy today. Trash is blowing everywhere

So watch out for your ex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djfqid/its_mad_windy_today_trash_is_blowing_everywhere/
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A lady in college complains about how it's taking so long to get through school. I tell her I know, I went for 8 years.

I'm still happy I stopped going after the 8th grade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djfm0m/a_lady_in_college_complains_about_how_its_taking/
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A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooftop of a building with his sniper, and gets himself used to the setting.
As early as 0800, the marketplace is filled with Indians trying to sell their goods. It is almost impossible to keep track of the people coming and going. However, the hitman is skilled. He keeps an eye on all the entrances at once, and it is his skill that allows him to spot his target.
He adjusts his scope, lining it up for the perfect killshot. Then he flicks on his laser dotsight. "Dammit, I don't think my laser is working! They all have red dots!" He says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djfgf4/a_hitman_has_a_high_profile_indian_businessman_as/
%
What shouts " I'm vegan " ?

A Vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djfep2/what_shouts_im_vegan/
%
Why doesn't Ed Sheeran sing the blues?

He has no soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djfarl/why_doesnt_ed_sheeran_sing_the_blues/
%
I hate when people say the f-word

Stop saying *"he used the f-word"* . Just say fuck , it's not that fucking hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djfamy/i_hate_when_people_say_the_fword/
%
Someone stole my mood ring

I don’t know how I feel about that :[

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djf32h/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
During an earthquake drill, a teacher mentions the age of the school and how the windows might move a bit.

A kid then says, “well that would be a weird flex but ok”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djf2n2/during_an_earthquake_drill_a_teacher_mentions_the/
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You know why you should never hang out with that guy from Chicago?

Illinois you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djexla/you_know_why_you_should_never_hang_out_with_that/
%
Hey is your refrigerator running?

PG&E turned my power off, can I keep some food in there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djemps/hey_is_your_refrigerator_running/
%
What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pumpkin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djedjm/what_do_hillbillies_do_on_halloween/
%
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dje9oc/my_son_was_just_born_and_another_dad_at_the/
%
A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dje3kn/a_mans_fence_is_broken_and_he_needs_to_hire/
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My wife just found out she's adopted.

She's devastated and kept asking, "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" was a little insensitive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dje0ij/my_wife_just_found_out_shes_adopted/
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What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

One from their ISP stating their internet has been shut off for illegal downloading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djdyz5/what_is_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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What do a puppy and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djdx03/what_do_a_puppy_and_a_nearsighted_gynecologist/
%
Why can’t bicycles stand on their own?

They’re two-tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djdtcg/why_cant_bicycles_stand_on_their_own/
%
What’s a furry‘s favorite instrument?

The owo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djdrjz/whats_a_furrys_favorite_instrument/
%
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep or they can't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djdpi7/what_does_bill_cosby_and_santa_claus_have_in/
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Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. When you're worried, nobody feels your pain. When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.

But fart just one time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djdo9p/most_of_the_time_when_youre_crying_nobody_notices/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djdnl4/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
I'm so impatient...

...I give people "Get Well Now" cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djdgme/im_so_impatient/
%
What number is better than 69?

88, because you get ate twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djdg29/what_number_is_better_than_69/
%
What does a wholefoods and a psychiatric ward have in common?

They're the only places you can get fired for eating a vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djdf0z/what_does_a_wholefoods_and_a_psychiatric_ward/
%
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don’t care if she has either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djdf17/what_does_a_pulse_and_an_orgasm_have_in_common/
%
There were two roommates in a mental asylum

One starts going VROOM VROOM. VROOM VROOM! **VROOM VROOM!!!**
The other, annoyed at his roommate, asks. "What are you doing?!"
"I'm a motorcycle, vroom vrooooooooooom!!!"
"Well can you stop it? It's annoying!"
"Why? Is it the noise?"
"No, bastard, it's all this smog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djden0/there_were_two_roommates_in_a_mental_asylum/
%
Shout-out to my grandfather

Because it is the only way he can hear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djdcbx/shoutout_to_my_grandfather/
%
Men do wear the pants in a couple...

But women choose which colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djdb4l/men_do_wear_the_pants_in_a_couple/
%
Hitler built a boat in pixelated blocks and named it

Mein Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djd9ic/hitler_built_a_boat_in_pixelated_blocks_and_named/
%
My daughter and I both got diarrhea...

Guess it runs in the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djd86q/my_daughter_and_i_both_got_diarrhea/
%
Got a shirt made from golden retriever fur.

The wife says I look quite fetching in it .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djd86b/got_a_shirt_made_from_golden_retriever_fur/
%
I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer but something doesn't seem right

I think they're laced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djd71v/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_off_a_drug_dealer_but/
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I took so much camp counsellor dick

I got a woodworking badge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djd6rk/i_took_so_much_camp_counsellor_dick/
%
A joke I made on the spot to my piano teacher

Me: Hey, so by the way, I’m not going to be able to come to practice April 4th, I got a robotics meeting that day (I actually did have that, this wasn’t just added in for me to make the joke)
Piano teacher: Alright, no problem, let me just write that down.
Me, in a stroke of genius: I GUESS ITS A 4/04 ERROR!!!  GET IT?
She didn’t understand it since she’s not the best with technology, but I explained it to her and she appreciated it
But now you guys can groan at how lame it is :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djd56g/a_joke_i_made_on_the_spot_to_my_piano_teacher/
%
I got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday

I wasn't putting in enough shifts, which I thought was some capital bullshit. They're such Ctrl freaks and now I need to find alternate work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djd2c7/i_got_fired_from_the_keyboard_factory_yesterday/
%
I worked in a German factory for a few years.

I worked in a German factory a couple of years back.
So one day I was doing my usual inspection and I noticed that one of the lights in the factory had stopped working.
Being helpful, I decided that I would go up and fix it.
I didn't have a ladder so I called to another worker "hey Hans can you go get the ladder?"
He turned around to his friend (also named Hans) and said, "yeah Hans can you pass me the ladder so I can help him fix the light?" So he passed the ladder over to me.
So at this point I realized that I didn't even have a replacement bulb for the light. So I called to a another worker named Hans and asked him, "hey Hans no.3 can you go get me a replacement bulb?" So he passed me the bulb.
I was almost done, all I needed at this point was for someone to steady the ladder. Guess what? Another worker named Hans was passing by. So, I asked "hey Hans can you steady the ladder?"
So the moral of the story really is that Many Hans make light work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djcy5m/i_worked_in_a_german_factory_for_a_few_years/
%
Why do cows have hooves and not feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djcs86/why_do_cows_have_hooves_and_not_feet/
%
My wife gets angry at the phrase “hand me downs.”

Apparently that’s not how I ask her to let me hold our disabled child.
Credit: (u/ajstaff)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djcqxz/my_wife_gets_angry_at_the_phrase_hand_me_downs/
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Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck we're in the middle of a robbery...

Bugs Bunny asked Daffy, "Is this whiskey?"
Daffy answered, "Of course it's whiskey, but it's safer than wobbing a bank"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djcolf/bugs_bunny_and_daffy_duck_were_in_the_middle_of_a/
%
What kind of television is gay?

An LG TV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djcmuz/what_kind_of_television_is_gay/
%
Tomorrow is National Sex Day...

.. and the only thing I’m fucking is ....stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djcjvf/tomorrow_is_national_sex_day/
%
What did Bo Peep say to Woody when he walked in on Buzz Lightyear fucking her?

You’ve got a friend in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djci6b/what_did_bo_peep_say_to_woody_when_he_walked_in/
%
I was late to a comedy show and the guy on stage said why are you late that's rude

I told him sorry it's because my wife is pregnant
He then asked How long till the baby is due
I said about 9 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djci5a/i_was_late_to_a_comedy_show_and_the_guy_on_stage/
%
My friend's bakery burned down last night.

Now his business is toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djcezc/my_friends_bakery_burned_down_last_night/
%
Trump's parents are in trouble

They made a racist joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djc6it/trumps_parents_are_in_trouble/
%
What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djc0k4/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_came_out_of_the/
%
Three horses walk into a bar..

One horse trots up to the barman, the other two grab a seat at a table. The horse at the bar orders three beers and grabs them with its hooves, then walks on two legs and joins the other seated horses.
First horse says: " Shit guys, last night at my race, it was some crazy shit. I was way ahead of the other horses, just about to win my race, when all of a sudden I felt a tugging at my back leg. I stopped to turn my head and get a good look at what did it. There was nothing there! Then I realized I had now lost the race from my unbeatable position! "
Second horse neighs in with: " That's incredible, two weeks ago the same thing happened to me, just as I was about to cross the finish line, I felt a tug on my left back leg, turned around and could not see anything that did it. The distraction cost me the race and my owner over $50,000.
Third horse takes a huge slug of beer and says: " No way! This morning this exact thing happened to me! What the hell is going on? Like exactly that happened to me too.
Meanwhile a greyhound, drinking alone and who is sitting at the table next to the horses says: “Excuse me sirs, I could not help but overhear your conversation and I could not stop listening, as it sounded so familiar to me too! Today at my greyhound track, I was out in front of the other dogs on the final lap. Victory was for certain. But just as I was on the final stretch, I felt a sharp tug on the back of my leg. I paused to look behind, to see what it was. There was nothing there and like you all, it cost me the goddamn race! "
The three horses turn and look at each other.
"Fuck me, a talking greyhound ", one says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djby3v/three_horses_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why didn't the Tenth Doctor like potty training as a kid? [spoiler I guess?]

He didn't want to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djbwjz/why_didnt_the_tenth_doctor_like_potty_training_as/
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Two China men were robbing a distillery.

One said to the other “is this whiskey?” The other said “yeah it’s whiskey but it’s safer than wobbing a bank”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djbtod/two_china_men_were_robbing_a_distillery/
%
My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a "night light" and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the Uber driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the Uber all hot and bothered and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the car pulled away, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did the last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard.... she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again.."
The silence in the Uber was deafening....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djboou/my_husband_and_i_were_dressed_and_ready_to_go_out/
%
Why does the Norwegian Navy have bar codes printed on the side of all thier ships?

So when they come back to port they can just Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djbhjj/why_does_the_norwegian_navy_have_bar_codes/
%
An old lady returns to a grocery store and approaches the cashier.

Cashier: "Hello, how can I help you?"
Lady: "I think you made a mistake with the change, yesterday. There is a difference of €50!"
Cashier: "I'm sorry, but I cannot accept any claims once you have left the store yesterday. Next time, please come to us immediately whenever you have concerns regarding the change."
Lady: "Nevermind. I'll keep it then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djbg3k/an_old_lady_returns_to_a_grocery_store_and/
%
What do you call a duck on drugs?

A Quackhead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djbdzt/what_do_you_call_a_duck_on_drugs/
%
I would say your aim is cancer

But cancer actually kills people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djbd65/i_would_say_your_aim_is_cancer/
%
What do a pregnant teen and a fetus have in common?

They’re both thinking “Oh my God my mom is going to kill me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djbcvb/what_do_a_pregnant_teen_and_a_fetus_have_in_common/
%
When we were drunk last night, my friends and I threw a random Chinese man down some stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djbb3b/when_we_were_drunk_last_night_my_friends_and_i/
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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high and low and eventually find a man dangling from the balcony!!
I am so furious that I jump on his hands and cause him to fall 3 stories... but he lands in some bushes and survives... but I’m still furious so I grab the nearest heavy thing, our fridge, & I shove it off the balcony and it hits him! ...but then I suddenly feel so guilty about taking another life that I grab my gun and shoot myself in the head!”
St Peter agrees that this is quite traumatic, & then the second man steps forward.
“Well, i was doing my daily exercises on my balcony, when suddenly the railing gave way and I fell! Luckily I managed to grab onto the balcony below... I thought I was saved but then some maniac starts jumping on my fingers! I fall into some bushes and miraculously I’ve cheated death again... but then out of nowhere a fridge falls from the sky and splat!”
St Peter again agrees that this is very traumatic and turns to the third man...
“Ok, picture the scene... you’re naked and hiding in a refrigerator...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djaxg7/three_men_arrive_at_the_gates_of_heaven_but_st/
%
The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel!  No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"
The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match.  "I know, Coach, if you've told me once...I won't let him get me in The Pretzel!"
"Good!  Just don't let him get you in The Pretzel!"
"Coach!"
The crowd in the arena was roaring.  The two wrestlers moved to ring, a well lit white square in the center of the seats.  The Contender was called and the crowd cheered, then the Champion was called and the crowd roared.
Coach called to the Contender "Don't let him get you in The Pretzel!", and the Contender nodded and moved into the center.  After a few moments, the match began.
Coach watched as the wrestlers twisted together, all power and speed.  The crowd surged.  The bodies on the mat became a twisted wreck.
"The Pretzel..." the Coach whispered, reaching to throw the towel into the ring, knowing there was no way the Contender could win.  Before he could, though, there was a horrible, wrenching scream of agony from the ring.  The wrestlers parted, fought, and before anyone could react, the Contender had the Championed pinned.  The count went down.
There was a new Champion.
Coach's jaw was on the ground, the towel still in his hand.  He was amazed, shocked.
The new Champion was hustled into the locker room, and Coach followed.
"How did you do that?  No one has ever got out of The Pretzel!  Never!"
"Well, Coach, if you've told me once, you've told me a thousand times...but he is really good.  I thought I had everything under control, but he was so fast, before I knew it, he had me in The Pretzel and I heard the count going down.  I couldn't move."
"I looked up and there was a ballsack hanging right in front of my face, and I figured I had nothing to lose so I chomped on it as hard as I could."
"You can't believe the strength you get from biting your own testicles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djaow2/the_wrestling_match_was_about_to_begin/
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What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djaoqy/whats_the_difference_between_a_musician_and_a/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Colombian and in a bag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dja7h3/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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2 Aspirins Does The Trick...

Bob comes home drunk, get's 2 aspirins and shoves it in his wife's mouth whilst she's asleep.
She wakes up startled and says: "What the hell are doing Bob?"
Bob than says: "I placed 2 aspirins in your mouth!"
Wife: "Are you on drugs?? I do not have a headache!!!"
Bob: "NOW THAT'S WHAT DADDY WANTS TO HEAR!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj9y4h/2_aspirins_does_the_trick/
%
Why are Short People so humble?

Because they are very Down to Earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj9mx6/why_are_short_people_so_humble/
%
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj9m9s/a_senior_citizen_drove_his_brand_new_corvette/
%
I did something crazy the other day...

...I used the toilet without playing on my smartphone.
Instead I played with myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj9kl6/i_did_something_crazy_the_other_day/
%
"Hey guys, who wants to hear a blonde joke?", says a blind man after settling himself down on a stool in a bar. The question was met with dead silence.

After a few seconds pause, the bartender walks up to the blind fella and puts his face right up to his nose and says, in a deep menacing voice:
"I'm blond, and I don't appreciate blonde jokes. My wife is right next to me, she's blonde and she doesn't appreciate blonde jokes either. And best of all, on your right is a blond bodybuilder who I'm pretty sure doesn't like blonde jokes as well. Now, would you still like to say that joke?"
"HELL NO!", says the blind man, "NOT IF I'M GOING TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE DARN JOKE THAT MANY TIMES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj9cue/hey_guys_who_wants_to_hear_a_blonde_joke_says_a/
%
Did you hear that Anheuser-Busch has taken over the Red Cross’s public relations?

Their new slogan is “This Blood’s for You.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj9bnx/did_you_hear_that_anheuserbusch_has_taken_over/
%
Another use for condoms...

You can actually put a condom on your doorknob, it'll stop anyone coming inside.
_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj93m4/another_use_for_condoms/
%
I asked what LGBTQ means and I've been getting lots of answers but here lies the problem

I couldn't get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj92er/i_asked_what_lgbtq_means_and_ive_been_getting/
%
What is Adolf Hitlers favorite letter of the alphabet?

I dont know but im 100% sure its not Z

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj8qfl/what_is_adolf_hitlers_favorite_letter_of_the/
%
What do you call a bee on Halloween?

A boobee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj8nx9/what_do_you_call_a_bee_on_halloween/
%
I kicked a pregnant woman

She gave birth to me 3 months later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj8a3k/i_kicked_a_pregnant_woman/
%
What do you call a mass murderer on a bike?

A Cyclepath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj82s6/what_do_you_call_a_mass_murderer_on_a_bike/
%
When did the autocannibal decide to quit?

When he threw up his hands and said, "that's it, I'm done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj80ns/when_did_the_autocannibal_decide_to_quit/
%
What do you call a fat Psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj7u80/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
Pirate :"I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!"

The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign."
Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj7qej/pirate_i_have_moles_on_me_back_arrrrrgh/
%
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj7nfw/why_is_spiderman_so_good_at_comebacks/
%
Your mom is so fat...

...that a group of people started believing she was actually flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj7mh2/your_mom_is_so_fat/
%
How do Meth-heads pay for their addiction?

The tooth fairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj7kpa/how_do_methheads_pay_for_their_addiction/
%
A Mexican magician said "I will disappear on the count of three"

So he counted out loud...
"Uno!"
"Dos!"
And then \*poof\*...he vanished without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj7h4e/a_mexican_magician_said_i_will_disappear_on_the/
%
What did Stevie Wonder's mother do for punishment??

Re-arrange the furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj7ani/what_did_stevie_wonders_mother_do_for_punishment/
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An Afghan...

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean
all go to a bar..
The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj7aj4/an_afghan/
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If you start masturbating with your leg then you should get help

Because obviously things have gotten out of hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj73w2/if_you_start_masturbating_with_your_leg_then_you/
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My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj6zex/my_ultimate_goal_is_to_become_a_retractable_tape/
%
Why are Black jokes and Mexican jokes the same?

Because once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj6ywl/why_are_black_jokes_and_mexican_jokes_the_same/
%
Why did Steven Tyler stick his hand into a hornet nest??

He didn't wanna miss a sting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj6y45/why_did_steven_tyler_stick_his_hand_into_a_hornet/
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What’s an antivaxxers favorite vacuum?

Dyson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj6x30/whats_an_antivaxxers_favorite_vacuum/
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Back in the middle ages, there was a boy named Eddie, who was born as just a head.

His mother, concerned for his well-being, visited a witch in the woods near their house, seeking a remedy for the poor boy's affliction. The witch felt charitable, looking upon the poor body-less infant, and told Eddie's mother that not only would the boy be fine, she would also make him a body! However, the body wouldn't be ready until Eddie's 10th birthday. Extatic, Eddie's mother thanked the witch and left, returning periodically to check on the body's progress and to drop off small gifts.
Eddie was raised as normally as a child without a body could be. Though he could not do any manual work with his father and brothers, he was quite adept at organizing his family's small plot of land, ensuring they always had enough surplus crop to pay their due to the local lord. Eddie loved his family and they loved him back, and the years passed fairly pleasantly.
Finally, Eddie's 10th birthday arrived, and his mother retrieved the boy's new body from the witch. His mother had, of course, kept the body a secret from Eddie all these years, wanting it to be the most wonderful surprise.
As she returned to the house, Eddie's mother called out, "Eddie, guess what very special gift I've brought you for your birthday?"
Eddie replied: "Not another fucking hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj6qsd/back_in_the_middle_ages_there_was_a_boy_named/
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I named the spider in my room Cotton eye Joe

Because I need to know 2 things:
where did he come from, where did he go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj6pfm/i_named_the_spider_in_my_room_cotton_eye_joe/
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I have Tuscons

They both live in Arizona

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj6lf4/i_have_tuscons/
%
What language do the mailmen of Hogwarts converse in?

Parceltongue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj6kw9/what_language_do_the_mailmen_of_hogwarts_converse/
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Three friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"
Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."
Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj6k3e/three_friends_bragged_about_who_has_more_sex/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj6b6o/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?"

Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."
Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj6acc/the_doctor_asks_the_patient_does_your_head_hurt/
%
What's brown and sticky

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj68ol/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
I want a brain transplant

Change my mind!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj686l/i_want_a_brain_transplant/
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What do lesbians call 69-ing?

88-ing... Since two people get ate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj66l5/what_do_lesbians_call_69ing/
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Newsflash: A Barber gets arrested for drug possession.

An acquaintance says, "I've known this guy for years, and I didn't know he was a barber."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj65jl/newsflash_a_barber_gets_arrested_for_drug/
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Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison?

Cause they know he actually did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj64he/why_are_all_the_black_guys_afraid_of_the_white/
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Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.

One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He rolls down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me a body!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies.
Almost a year goes by and Christmas rattles around again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me arms for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, sure enough, Little Tommy has arms. He leaps onto his palms and down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me arms!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies.
Almost year passes and Christmas arrives again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me legs for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, a pair of fully functional legs with feet to boot. He sprints down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me legs!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies.
Little Tommy can’t believe his luck. “Mommy Mommy, I just have to go tell Little Billy I have legs!” Little Tommy throws open the front door, bounds outside and is immediately killed by a passing car.
The moral of the story?
Quit while you’re a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj62cf/little_tommy_was_born_as_just_a_head_no_arms_no/
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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”
“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj5vqq/i_cant_believe_that_youve_been_visiting/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They dont know where home is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj5u3y/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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It's a shame Congressman Cummings has died....

I guess he's Congressman Goings now
This way out? Thanks....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj5ttd/its_a_shame_congressman_cummings_has_died/
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Wanna know what would be a great game for people with dementia?

Memory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj5rap/wanna_know_what_would_be_a_great_game_for_people/
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What’s for dinner?

I’ve had kids for 12 years now and every day I still stumble and don’t know the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj5q26/whats_for_dinner/
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Being a lesbian waitress must be the worst job ever

They never get any tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj5ipp/being_a_lesbian_waitress_must_be_the_worst_job/
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I told my therapist that I’m afraid of the 15th, 9th, and 3rd letter of the alphabet.

“Oh, I see”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj5f5w/i_told_my_therapist_that_im_afraid_of_the_15th/
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They say that make up sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj5c77/they_say_that_make_up_sex_is_the_best_which_is/
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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”
Carl was stunned. “I’m dead?  No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St. Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”
Carl never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.
Carl replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”“Not bad,” replied  Carl the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said  Carl.“Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Carl clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!
Carl was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit,  Carl! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj5bl7/after_a_night_out_at_the_pub_with_his_buddies/
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Why is the letter A always so grumpy?

He has irritable vowel syndrome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj5bgl/why_is_the_letter_a_always_so_grumpy/
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Three Germans walk into a BAR

They get 20 shots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj5a3q/three_germans_walk_into_a_bar/
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A man walks into a bar on the 50th floor

As he goes through the door, a slight chime sounds. He heads for the bar and orders a beer. As time goes by, he hears the chime again, and turns to see another man arriving. The other man immediately heads for the bar, and orders a double scotch on the rocks.
The other man empties the glass in one gulp, slams his head on the counter thrice, walks over to the window, and promptly jumps out.
Our patron is quite understandably shocked, but nobody else so much as bats an eye. After a while he calms down somewhat, and orders another beer to calm down.
A few minutes later, he hears the chime again and turns, expecting police. Instead, to his shock, it is the jumper, completely unharmed.
The jumper once again heads for the bar, and orders a double scotch on the rocks. The jumper empties the glass in one gulp, slams his head on the counter thrice, walks over to the window, and promptly jumps out. Again.
Our patron is wondering if he’s hallucinating and pushes his beer away.
For the third time, the chime sounds, and once again, there unharmed jumper enters.
As the last two times, the jumper again heads for the bar, and orders a double scotch on the rocks.
Unable to contain himself any longer, he asks the jumper, “What the hell, we’re on the 50th floor, how are you okay?!”
The jumper looks at him, unconcerned, and replies, “Hey man, if you can down a double scotch on the rocks and slam your head three times on the counter, you can do anything.”
Our patron decides he has to try this. He promptly orders a double scotch on the rocks, downs it in one go, slams his head on the counter thrice, walks over to the window, and promptly jumps out.
A few minutes pass, before the bartender turns to the first jumper.
“You’re a real mean drunk, you know that, Superman?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj55q6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_on_the_50th_floor/
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Five Redditors are walking in a forest...

Five redditors are walking in a forest...
...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each.
The first one steps forward. "I would like a ten-inch-tall piano player, please". The genie grants him the wish, and he posts joke #385 on r/Jokes and gets a couple upvotes.
The second one asks for a man hanging from a balcony by the fingertips, a man in a refrigerator, and a man coming home from work. The genies grants it, and he posts #9910 on reddit, getting some dozen upvotes.
The third one asks for a meta-joke. The genie gives him a reel joke, and it generates a thousand upvotes.
The fourth one asks for something to get him the top all-time post spot on r/Jokes. The genie gives him two "v"s and an edit. He posts it and drowns in karma.
The fifth and final redditor asks for an original joke that had never been posted on r/Jokes before. The genie groaned: "Are you kidding me? Doesn't exist. Your wish is used up, too. Take a ten-lane highway to Hawaii, a legless parrot, and a talking dog, and go away."
Rather than post jokes 839, 3924, and 936, the fifth redditor decides to post a joke about five redditors in a forest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj51k8/five_redditors_are_walking_in_a_forest/
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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj4z6t/four_catholic_ladies_are_having_coffee_together/
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PMS jokes are not funny.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj4xbc/pms_jokes_are_not_funny/
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What currency do processes use to bribe the processor?

They use cache

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj4uh9/what_currency_do_processes_use_to_bribe_the/
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I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say
Leroy, please paint that wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj4udj/i_hate_how_politically_correct_the_world_is_these/
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I like my women like I like my wine

56 years old and in my cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj4of1/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_wine/
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There’s nothing worse than having a Cranberries song stuck...

In your heeeeeead, in your heeeeeead, in your head, in your head, in your hea, hea, hea, head....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj4m1u/theres_nothing_worse_than_having_a_cranberries/
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A King is going on an adventure in a faraway land leaving his beautiful queen.So He ask for his 3 brave knights to guard her he is away.

But in doing so,He put an improvised penis guillotine to the queens vagina.
Then after a year,The king came back,Then He ordered the first knight to strip.
KING:ITS CUT!THROW HIM TO THE LIONS!
KNIGHT 1:NOOOO!
Then he ordered the 2nd knight to strip!
KING:ITS CUT TOO!BURN HIM!!!
KNIGHT 2:NOOOO!
Then he ordered the 3rd knight to strip.
KING:ITS INTACT!YOU'RE A TRUSTWORTHY KNIGHT.BECAUSE OF THAT,IM GONNA PROMOTE YOU AS HAND OF THE KING!!WHAT SAY YOU?!
KNIGHT 3:BLEEAH BLEEAH BLEEAH...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj4aqc/a_king_is_going_on_an_adventure_in_a_faraway_land/
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5 years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj4aan/5_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_out/
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A Muslim, Buddhist, and Christian were arguing about their faiths...

The Muslim says that theirs is the true faith. The  Buddhist says Nirvana is key, while the Christian of course argues that Jesus is the way.
This went on for hours until finally the Christian says, "let's settle this once and for all. We all jump off a cliff, and whoever's God saves him will we know that theirs is the true faith. " After thinking about it, the other two agreed.
They found a cliff and the Muslim went first. As he jumped, he shouted "Aaaaaaalllllllaaaaaa...."  SPLAT!
Both were shocked but not surprised. They said their prayers for the Muslim and continued.
The Buddhist went next and as he jumped he chanted "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha..." And miraculously, just before hitting the ground, he floated back up to safety.
Giving a smile to the Christian, he gestured to the cliff for his turn.
The Christian was unperturbed. Taking a few minutes to compose himself, he then took his leap of faith:
"Jeeeeeesssssuuuussss.... Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj48ez/a_muslim_buddhist_and_christian_were_arguing/
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What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?

Eternal Darnation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj3nha/whats_the_difference_between_hell_and_heck/
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Having trouble remembering something? Just post it to r/Jokes!

Then you'll see it reposted everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj3jyy/having_trouble_remembering_something_just_post_it/
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I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj3bna/i_said_to_my_boss_the_other_day_i_need_to_leave/
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To be a successful stalker

You must do the following :-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj39jx/to_be_a_successful_stalker/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj36t4/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_whos_afraid/
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I visited Kenya...

I was in Kenya for holiday and decided to visit a poor village. There I met a married couple who told me about their everyday life. The wife told how she makes clothes for a living and makes 1.75 dollars a day. The husband was a farmer who only made 2 dollars a day.
It broke my heart. I felt bad about how privileged I was. I decided to make a difference instantly. I pulled out my wallet, gave the wife a warm look and gave her a quarter to even out the wage gap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj36qw/i_visited_kenya/
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An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj36id/an_old_grandma_brings_a_bus_driver_a_bag_of/
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You know you’re getting old when,

by the time you’ve lit the last candle on the birthday
cake, the first one has burned out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj2yp5/you_know_youre_getting_old_when/
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The masochist says "Hurt me."

The sadist says "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj2vz7/the_masochist_says_hurt_me/
%
How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris.

We don't know, its never been tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj2ti1/how_many_french_soldiers_does_it_take_to_defend/
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A frog goes into a bank for sizable a personal loan.

He finds himself at the desk of a man with a name plate that reads "J. Paddywack: Sr. Loan Officer"
Paddywack says, "This is quite an amount you're asking for Mr..."
"Richards," the frog says, "My dad, Keith, said you'd be able to help me."
"Um...yes. Do you have any collateral?" The loan officer asks.
The frog pulls a small statue of a clown and puts it on the desk.
Paddywack picks up the statue and says to the frog, "I'll need to speak to my manager."
In the manager's office, the loan officer explains the situation. He pulls out the clown and asks, "Do you know what this is?"
The manager looks at it for a second before replying,
(Get ready)
"It's a knick knack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj2kfa/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank_for_sizable_a_personal/
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Why can’t you invite scat fetishists out?

They have shit to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj26fi/why_cant_you_invite_scat_fetishists_out/
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Wrestling is stupid.

Men without pants fight for a belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj25l3/wrestling_is_stupid/
%
There are three types of people I hate:

1. Hypocrites.
2. People who can't count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj24k1/there_are_three_types_of_people_i_hate/
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I was hanging out with a Jehovahs Witness.

He got really pissed at me.
He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj1wde/i_was_hanging_out_with_a_jehovahs_witness/
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There is a large traffic jam in Washington DC

A man gets caught in a huge traffic jam in DC. While sitting motionless on the road a man approaches him on foot. The man rolls down his window and asks what’s going on.
“The whole capitol is in chaos, armed men have stormed the Capitol Building and are holding congress hostage, they say they’ll douse the whole place with gasoline and burn everyone inside if they aren’t paid one billion dollars.” He explains.
“So is there a plan?” He asks.
“Yeah we’re going around all the stopped cars on the roads asking people to chip in for the cause.”
“How much are people giving?”
“About a gallon or two each.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj1tug/there_is_a_large_traffic_jam_in_washington_dc/
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Who's the Death Star's greatest country singer?

Darth Brooks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj0y1u/whos_the_death_stars_greatest_country_singer/
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Whenever my mom used to feed me, she’d always say “here comes the Choo-Choo Train!!!”

And I had to eat otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj0w4i/whenever_my_mom_used_to_feed_me_shed_always_say/
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I asked a man what the opposites of ugly, curved, and reverse were.

His answer was pretty straight forward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj0j10/i_asked_a_man_what_the_opposites_of_ugly_curved/
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Why is it called "The circle of life"?

Because it's fucking pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj0bdl/why_is_it_called_the_circle_of_life/
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I don’t understand satanists

Why would anyone pray to someone who lost a fiddle playing contest to some hillbilly from Georgia?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj0b1r/i_dont_understand_satanists/
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Goodwill has announced they will no longer accept donations of vape or tobacco products

Clothes, but no cigar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dj08qw/goodwill_has_announced_they_will_no_longer_accept/
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Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom.

Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.
Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.
So Johnny does what his mom told him and spends all day across the street. He comes home in time for dinner.
Mom: So Johnny, what did you learn today?
Johnny: Well, first the mason comes and pours the fucking slab, then the carpenter puts up the cocksucking frame, finally the interior guy shows up and finishes the goddamn drywall.
Mom: JOHNNY! I'm going to whup your little butt. Go out back and fetch me a switch.
Johnny: Fuck you, that's the electrician's job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dizz17/johnny_has_the_day_off_from_school_and_is_bugging/
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Some local comedians had just finished up a set at the local comedy club...

So naturally, they sat down at the bar and ordered a round. Now, these guys are pretty fucking funny, and they know every joke in the book. So as they're enjoying their beer, of course, they're cracking jokes with each other. But since they know them so well, they started just referring to them by their number, as it became tiresome to tell the same jokes all the time.
"#37," the guy at the end of the bar says while chuckling to himself. All the other comics have a light laugh in response to this one.
"#114," another comedian says. This gets a stronger laugh, as it was the perfect follow up.
So on the night goes, cracking joke after joke to the amusement of the comedians.
"#89,"
"#63,"
"#481."
Everyone was enjoying a good chuckle while they finished up their beers. About to head home for the night, the comedian at the end grabs his jacket and stands up. But before he heads out, he leans into the group and says, "#203."
The group loses it. Everyone keels over, dying from laughter. One comic almost fell off of his chair, he was laughing so hard.
Finally, when the laughter settles down, the bartender asked why that joke was so funny.
The comedians say, "well we'd never heard that one before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dizs74/some_local_comedians_had_just_finished_up_a_set/
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A couple of weeks ago, I played golf with a guy who shot an even par 72. We had fun during the round, so I asked him if he wanted to play next week.

He said: "Sure, but I might be a half hour late."
The following week he shows up right on on time, and sets up on the first tee, this time playing left-handed. Again he shoots a 72.
I asked him if he wanted to play again next week. He replied: "Sure but I might be a half hour late."
I then asked him :"How come some times you play right-handed and other times, left-handed."
He said,"When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed."
I then ask ;"So, what if she is laying flat on her back?"
"Then I'll be a half hour late!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dizgqs/a_couple_of_weeks_ago_i_played_golf_with_a_guy/
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What does Erdogan have in common with little miss muffet?

They both have Kurds in their whey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dizfsx/what_does_erdogan_have_in_common_with_little_miss/
%
Hey girl, are you missing your pants?

Because I can give you some of my genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dizfbi/hey_girl_are_you_missing_your_pants/
%
I like my coffee like my women.

Without a penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dizd8k/i_like_my_coffee_like_my_women/
%
What happens when John Wick is recast?

Keanu Leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diz986/what_happens_when_john_wick_is_recast/
%
How do you tell if somebody is anorexic?

Give them an onion ring and see if they eat it or use it as a hula hoop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diz750/how_do_you_tell_if_somebody_is_anorexic/
%
Everyone is attractive.

It only depends on their mass and distance between you and the person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diz6ev/everyone_is_attractive/
%
I might have burned to death giving head in the world's most promiscuous bathroom...

...but at least I went down in a blaze of glory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diz6eh/i_might_have_burned_to_death_giving_head_in_the/
%
Wanna hear an icebreaker?

Fat penguin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diyzwm/wanna_hear_an_icebreaker/
%
Why do riot police show up early for work?

To beat the crowds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diyz1z/why_do_riot_police_show_up_early_for_work/
%
Why are Donald Trump's letters so poorly written?

He can't do drafts because of bone spurs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diyxer/why_are_donald_trumps_letters_so_poorly_written/
%
Whaddaya call a guy with no arms or legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diyw7z/whaddaya_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_or_legs_trying/
%
A man is drowning out at sea

A boat comes and asks if he needs any help.
“No, no thank you. God will save me!” Is what the drowning man replies.
He continues to drown and struggle, with no sign of God.
Another boat comes along and asks if the man needs assistance.
“Of course not! God will save me!”
The man was getting tired by now, and eventually gave up.
Once he had passed on and gone to Heaven, he asked God “Why didn’t you save me!”
God replied with “I sent you two damn boats, I’m not going to go down each time someone drowns! What do you think the point of Noah’s Arc was?!”
(My little brother told me this one and he wouldn’t stop laughing through the delivery)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diyvkw/a_man_is_drowning_out_at_sea/
%
What is the difference between jelly and jam?

I can’t jelly my dick up your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diyrs4/what_is_the_difference_between_jelly_and_jam/
%
Officer: Soldier can you break a $20? Soldier: Absolutely buddy! Officer: Thats no way to address an officer. Let’s try this again. Can you break a $20?

Soldier: No, SIR!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diyrk9/officer_soldier_can_you_break_a_20_soldier/
%
Why do male dogs float in water?

Because they’re good buoys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diyqaj/why_do_male_dogs_float_in_water/
%
Did you know God was originally a comedian.

He was the first to make light of a situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diynxq/did_you_know_god_was_originally_a_comedian/
%
Guys please stop making jokes about Helen Keller.

They’re just plain senseless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diyh3m/guys_please_stop_making_jokes_about_helen_keller/
%
What’s the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diyeno/whats_the_definition_of_trust/
%
I used to cry when my dad cut onions

Onions was a good dog, I miss him dearly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diy7wu/i_used_to_cry_when_my_dad_cut_onions/
%
Me: ugh, my day is just crap

Friend: what's up?
Me: My beers frozen, I burnt my pizza and I just found out my girlfriends pregnant.
Friend: man, you can't pull anything out on time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diy3zd/me_ugh_my_day_is_just_crap/
%
You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them. Michael Jackson was right...

You've been hit by, you've been stuck by, a smooth criminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dixznz/youre_walking_alone_on_a_street_when_a_person/
%
I feel sorry for the magicians I saw the other day....

He hypnotized 7 guys and then dropped the microphone on his foot and said "FUCK ME".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dixyu1/i_feel_sorry_for_the_magicians_i_saw_the_other_day/
%
You know what that little black spot is on the top of birdshit?

More birdshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dixxrf/you_know_what_that_little_black_spot_is_on_the/
%
What do you call a penguin with no eyes?

A Pengun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dixxfl/what_do_you_call_a_penguin_with_no_eyes/
%
What do gay horses eat?

Haaayyyy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dixxfi/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
%
What’s it called when too many animals move into Shrek’s swamp?

Ogre-population

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dixx84/whats_it_called_when_too_many_animals_move_into/
%
Why is the Turkish President like Little Miss Muffett?

They both have Kurds in their way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dixuh5/why_is_the_turkish_president_like_little_miss/
%
In court I was convicted of constantly boasting about how attractive I am

I’m appealing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dixs7q/in_court_i_was_convicted_of_constantly_boasting/
%
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.

Always walking around like they rent the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dixn1h/i_am_sick_and_tired_of_millenials_and_their/
%
What's the difference between a vampire and a lawyer?

You can kill the vampire by stabbing a wooden peg in his heart.
The lawyer does not have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dixm3m/whats_the_difference_between_a_vampire_and_a/
%
What do you call Mass Confusion

Fathers Day in Detroit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dixl1l/what_do_you_call_mass_confusion/
%
What did the tittie say to the other tittie?

If we hang any lower they’re gonna think we’re nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dixj2w/what_did_the_tittie_say_to_the_other_tittie/
%
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?

LEFT WING DESTROYED

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dixbvq/ben_shapiro_dies_in_a_plane_crash_wanna_know_why/
%
When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence

Your next words must be: please don’t hit me again officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dixbep/when_the_police_caution_you_that_whatever_you_say/
%
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dix87z/two_buddies_were_sharing_drinks_while_discussing/
%
From my 2yo sister

Knock knock
Who's there
Banana
Banana who?
Banana cross the road you chicken nerd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dix6zb/from_my_2yo_sister/
%
*BOOM*

Mom: "What was that?!"
Me: "My shirt fell..."
Mom: "Really it sounded a lot heavier than that."
Me: "I was in it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dix6dk/boom/
%
What do you call a nose with no body?

Nobody nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dix3vh/what_do_you_call_a_nose_with_no_body/
%
What are bald sea captains afraid of?

Cap sizes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diwthr/what_are_bald_sea_captains_afraid_of/
%
The wife and I have been having a lot more sex lately

Too bad for whoever her husband is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diwnrw/the_wife_and_i_have_been_having_a_lot_more_sex/
%
I was fired from my position in the birth ward at the hospital, but I thought I was doing a great job

Everybody kept saying I was killing it whenever I wrapped the umbilical cord around the baby’s neck to pull it out more easily

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diwdsp/i_was_fired_from_my_position_in_the_birth_ward_at/
%
WWE is like porn

the premise is staged, but someone is actually getting pounded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diwaip/wwe_is_like_porn/
%
A married couple was having a conversation

- Honey, what do you prefer?  A beautiful woman or an intelligent woman?
-Neither one nor the other.  You know that I only have eyes for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diw7bu/a_married_couple_was_having_a_conversation/
%
What does a pizza delivery driver have in common with a gynecologist?

Both smell their work but neither get to eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diw3y4/what_does_a_pizza_delivery_driver_have_in_common/
%
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower...

The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play.
About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off.
Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!”
“You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/divxnn/a_daughter_accidentally_sees_her_mother_getting/
%
One snowy day, Donald Trump is leaving the White House.

He notices that in a nearby snowbank, someone has urinated a message into the snow: "DIE DONALD!"  He grabs his head of security and says, "I demand to know who's responsible for this!  Get the Secret Service on it immediately!"
A week later, the security chief enters the Oval Office.  "Sir," he says, "we analyzed that message in snow.  I have bad news.  I'm afraid that the urine sample we retrieved was a perfect match for Mike Pence.  But it gets worse."
"Worse?" yells Trump.  "My own Vice President is plotting against me!  What could be worse?"
"Well, the urine came from Pence--but the handwriting was Melania's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/divvgq/one_snowy_day_donald_trump_is_leaving_the_white/
%
No man is an island ...

But when you piss, urination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/divnds/no_man_is_an_island/
%
A 75 year old lady says to her husband...

"You know what, I think I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."
Her husband says, "Sure, that's a good idea dear."
So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years.
Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can check everything out.
The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast and tells her to say, "99".
She says "99".
"I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor. He then puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, "Say 99".
She says "99".
Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also.
"We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups."
He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc. Once more he tells her, "Say 99"
She gasps and says, "one, two, three....... ...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/divir9/a_75_year_old_lady_says_to_her_husband/
%
i took my depressed friend a chinese take-away to try and cheer him up, but when i passed him the soy sauce he just burst into tears

i'd forgot, you should never kikkoman when he's down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/divh3z/i_took_my_depressed_friend_a_chinese_takeaway_to/
%
One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."
Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diver0/one_day_after_sex_my_girl_told_me_she_used_to_be/
%
Seems a guy in Texas makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.

Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"
"Not a damned thing..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/divejd/seems_a_guy_in_texas_makes_a_rolling_stop_at_a/
%
A leopard can carry something twice it's weight up a tree,

While a cougar can take something half her age into bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/divbny/a_leopard_can_carry_something_twice_its_weight_up/
%
My dad keeps saying that's what she said.

Dad; (Putting cereal in his bowl)
Me: Can you please put it in my thing also?
Dad: That's what she said.
Me: Please stop daddy!
Dad: That's what she said.
Me: Please, I'm only ten!!!
Dad: That's what she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/div9uc/my_dad_keeps_saying_thats_what_she_said/
%
Remember, two wrongs dont make a right.

But three lefts do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/div2d6/remember_two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
%
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly inside the house

I told her it was because I felt like someone was listening to us.
She laughed...
I laughed....
Alexa laughed....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diuu53/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_was_speaking_so_softly/
%
A dog gets lost into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with
menace.The dog notices and starts to panic
but as he's about to run he sees some bones
next to him and gets an idea and says loudly
"mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says "woah!This
guy seems tougher then he looks, I better
leave while I can".
Over by the tree top,a monkey witnessed
everything.Evidently,the monkey realizes the
he can benefit from this situation by telling the
lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really
happened and the lion says angrily"get on my
back,we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog.The
dog sees them and realized what happened
and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diu550/a_dog_gets_lost_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
%
I wanted to make an ww1 joke

But all the good ones Argonne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diu4i1/i_wanted_to_make_an_ww1_joke/
%
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo...

...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.
A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".
The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.
When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?"
"I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diu38p/donald_trump_is_exiting_the_white_house_and/
%
What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ditxvf/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_bodybuilder_whos_run/
%
Sexy <3

A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, “Are you and your husband sexually active?” “Yes,” the woman said. “We have verbal sex everyday.” “Verbal sex?I think you mean oral sex” the doctor said. “I mean verbal sex.” the woman said.
“Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ditu62/sexy_3/
%
A Polish man was getting his eyesight tested

The optician brings out a card with the letters
C R W I N O K S T A Z
"Can you read the letters" asks the optician.
The Polish man:"Read it? I know the guy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ditru7/a_polish_man_was_getting_his_eyesight_tested/
%
Who won the 1940 Tour De France?

The 7th Panzer Division

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ditqyk/who_won_the_1940_tour_de_france/
%
Grampa told me this one!

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob says, "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
The Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ditozp/grampa_told_me_this_one/
%
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.

-What’s that?
-Urine trouble, sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ditgt3/sir_you_have_a_bladder_infection/
%
i hate it whenever i try to be nice and hold a door open for people

and then they just scream and fly out of the plane, like, what the hell?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ditf50/i_hate_it_whenever_i_try_to_be_nice_and_hold_a/
%
Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital!
Nah, I'm just joking, they get shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ditesu/where_do_horses_go_when_they_get_sick/
%
I’d love to tell you that you’re beautiful...

But beauty is on the inside and I haven’t been inside you yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dit3xo/id_love_to_tell_you_that_youre_beautiful/
%
You ever notice how a lot of girls will trail off instead of finishing a sentence?

It’s because they only get one period per month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dit2pe/you_ever_notice_how_a_lot_of_girls_will_trail_off/
%
What’s the fastest way to circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diszh7/whats_the_fastest_way_to_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
I was taught to always go that extra mile for your customers, but people these days just don't appreciate good service.

This week alone I've had three passengers accuse me of kidnap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/disxwi/i_was_taught_to_always_go_that_extra_mile_for/
%
What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to go down a hill.

Walking. Jk rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/disxdk/whats_harry_potters_favorite_way_to_go_down_a_hill/
%
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The wedding sucked but the reception was amazing!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/disvpk/did_you_hear_about_the_two_antennas_that_got/
%
What do you call a hippie’s wife?

A Mississippi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/disrmg/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
%
What do you call a woman who flies planes?

A pilot, you sexist fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/disohn/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_flies_planes/
%
What's the difference between a politician and a serial killer?

The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/disid0/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
Gorgeous women have trouble successfully shoplifting

Because everyone in the store is trying to check them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/disfwt/gorgeous_women_have_trouble_successfully/
%
A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.
Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?
Scientist: Well we started the tests on pumpkins, we infused a large amount of human dna into them and the results were... displeasing. They did form life but it was too barbaric and got itself extinct.
Journalist: Ahh how upsetting, what else did you try?
Scientist: It became a theory that size of the subject could be a factor, so we tried Apples. Again infusing them with human dna, they turned out to be better than the pumpkins. They were far less barbaric, but acted like herbivore livestock, we liked to compare them to cows. They didn't really do much, they just ate grass and pooped.
Journalist: Were there any successful test results?
Scientist: Yes actually, we tried the test once more on the smallest subjects we had at our disposal, peas. Infusing the peas with human dna resulted in a brilliance abundance of life. These peas were extremely intelligent, in just a matter of hours they set up a town, overnight they made a nest as enormous and complex as a typical city full of around 100,000 peas. Would you care to see?
Journalist: Yes please! This sounds intriguing.
*the scientist shows her but she's not impressed *
Scientist: Is something wrong??
Journalist: It's cool and all, but I definitely feel like you overexaggerrated the size of your pea nest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dis5m9/a_female_journalist_is_taking_a_tour_of_a_new/
%
They say, if you give 100% in everything you do, good things happen.

I wonder if this still hold true when donating blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dis1aq/they_say_if_you_give_100_in_everything_you_do/
%
An American tourist is on holidays along the west of Ireland, tracing his roots, hiking the many hills and cliffs along the coast. Pausing to enjoy the breathtaking view, amongst all the green he notices a dirty old tractor putt-putt-putting along a country lane...

An American tourist is on holidays along the west of Ireland, tracing his roots, hiking the many hills and cliffs along the coast. Pausing to enjoy the breathtaking view, amongst all the green he notices a dirty old tractor putt-putt-putting along a country lane.
As it comes closer, he notices the rider is actually waving up to him.
After many minutes, the tractor makes it's way up the hill, and an old Irish farmer, still waving, comes slowly into view.
Rubber boots covered in muck, a straw hat and a rough beard, with cigarette tucked in the corner of his mouth. He's missing a few teeth, and has some twine holding up his trousers.
"Are you a Yank, are you?" greets the farmer, offering the tourist a swig of his whiskey.
"Yes sir, I sure am!" answers the man, taking a sip, and adjusting his baseball cap proudly. "Oklahoma born 'n bred!"
"Oh, we love the Yanks around here, so we do. Great craic altogether! Will ya come to the party, will ya?" he offers, pointing back down the hill towards the village. "It'll be mighty! We'll be goin' hard at it all night, so we will. There'll be eatin' and drinkin'. There'll be singin' and dancin'. There'll be fightin' and there'll be fuckin'..."
"Woah! That sounds awesome! I'd love to!" replies the delighted tourist. "And who's gonna be there?"
"Just you and me lad. Just you and me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dirmhv/an_american_tourist_is_on_holidays_along_the_west/
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The world's greatest blues musician and the world's greatest jazz musician are having dinner together. Who pays the tip?

Nobody. They don't charge at the soup kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dirlhz/the_worlds_greatest_blues_musician_and_the_worlds/
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I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dirh0y/i_looked_across_the_museum_hall_and_spotted_my_ex/
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I met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds fun.....

Dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dir6z0/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples_sounds_fun/
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A man goes to a a Chinese restaurant and orders Shrimp Lo Mein...

When his order comes out, he notices that there is a small, black hair on top of his dish. “Excuse me, miss, there is a hair on my dish” he tells the waitress.
Much to his surprise, the waitress is extremely rude asking “Can you just pick it off? It’s just a little hair.” The man asks for his dish to be remade to which the waitress refuses. The man, shocked in receiving the absolute worst service he has ever received, walks out of the restaurant.
He notices that across the street there is a Whore House and decides this would be a perfect way to relieve his tension.
As he walks in, the waitress sees him through the front window of the restaurant and rushed over to confront the man.
By the time she makes it over, the man has his face buried between the legs of a whore, preparing to go down on her.
“Are you kidding me?!” the waitress yells. “You wouldn’t eat my food with a tiny hair but you’ll put your mouth on that?!!”
“You’re damn right!” he snaps back. “And if I find a noodle in here, I’m not eating this either!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dir5uc/a_man_goes_to_a_a_chinese_restaurant_and_orders/
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When I was a kid I told my mother I wanted to grow up and be a drummer

And she said "Well honey, you can't do both"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dir3bx/when_i_was_a_kid_i_told_my_mother_i_wanted_to/
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Just called the tinnitus hotline

It didn’t stop ringing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diqzoy/just_called_the_tinnitus_hotline/
%
Are you going to be at homecoming?

Because I'm going to be at homecoming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diqydq/are_you_going_to_be_at_homecoming/
%
The best part of being rich and famous is someone else does your dirty laundry.

They hang all your Versace, Armani, Epstein and Gucci, no questions asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diqs6v/the_best_part_of_being_rich_and_famous_is_someone/
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Nike should make shoe named the Lebron James and charge half price ….

because they dont come with a soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diqrz7/nike_should_make_shoe_named_the_lebron_james_and/
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I scared a German the other day

I was in Berlin at a beer garden, so I decided to get a brew in one of their traditional mugs (with the metal tippy cap). After the beer, I got hungry and went for a sausage. The guy was horrified when I told him to save a plate and just put the sausage in my mug. I guess Germans really are afraid of Frankinstein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diqpwr/i_scared_a_german_the_other_day/
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When I was a kid, people laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

No one’s laughing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diqpd1/when_i_was_a_kid_people_laughed_at_me_when_i_said/
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Two Irishmen are stranded at Sea when a genie appears...

“I will grant one wish” states the genie.
The first Irishman shouts, without consulting with the other, “I wish that this entire Ocean was made of beer!”
The second Irishman smacks the first in the back of the head. “You idiot!!”
“Now we have to pee in the boat!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diqklo/two_irishmen_are_stranded_at_sea_when_a_genie/
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God talks to a man.

Human: God, for you thousands of years is like a brief moment!
God: Yes, just a second.
Human: God, for you vast riches are just small change!
God: Yes, just a nickel
Human: God, can you spare a nickel?
God: Sure, just give me a second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diqivc/god_talks_to_a_man/
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I think my vacuum cleaner is broken

It’s not that bad, really. It only kinda sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diqfe4/i_think_my_vacuum_cleaner_is_broken/
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We had a marriage to attend at 8 pm. My wife started applying make up at 6pm

The previous day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diqeat/we_had_a_marriage_to_attend_at_8_pm_my_wife/
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I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys..

It's called "peace of ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diqd06/i_run_a_meditation_and_yoga_studio_for_angry/
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My friend was bragging that they broke the mold that made him.

I said, "yea, my parents are divorced too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diqcqi/my_friend_was_bragging_that_they_broke_the_mold/
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A man is driving down the road with several knives in the back of his truck when a police officer pulls him over

The police officer asks the man, "Why do you have so many knives in the back of your truck?"
The man responds, "Well sir, I'm a juggler it's part of my act."
The police officer responds snarling, "We've had several homicides the past few weeks I'm going to need you to prove it!"
The man, without saying a word, picks up five of the knives and starts juggling them.
The police officer, scared it might be a trap, extends his pistol and points it at the juggler.
Meanwhile a man who is a little bit drunk walks out of a bar and starts driving home, he is driving well but his reasoning is slightly impaired.
While driving home he looks out the window and sees a man juggling knives with a police officer pointing a gun at him
The man pulls over at the next has station and calls all his friends back at the bar, saying
"DO NOT GO DOWN 7th STREET, THEY ARE HAVING A MAJOR SOBRIETY TEST DOWN THERE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diq6hg/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_with_several/
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Kids are like a box of chocolates

The ones no-one like are thrown away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diq220/kids_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip

They set out In the afternoon and arrive at their location a few hours before dark. They set up their tent and camp fire before going to bed.
In the middle of the night Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson and says,
"Look up Watson, what do you see?"
Watson looks up at the sky, it's a beautiful night, thousands of stars dot the sky.  Watson responds, "I see stars Sherlock."
Sherlock Holmes then asks Watson,
"What can you deduce from that."
Watson pondered this for a moment, then responded,
"Well, if there are so many stars out there just like our sun then perhaps those stars could have planets similar to ours, if there are other planets similar to ours than perhaps life exists on one of those planets, just like it does here!"
Sherlock Holmes says,
"No, somebody stole our tent you moron."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diq1vj/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_go_on_a_camping_trip/
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I got addicted to gambling on quiz games

Now I’m in Kahoots with the mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diq0ob/i_got_addicted_to_gambling_on_quiz_games/
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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"5,000$" she replies.
"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs."
He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"
"15,000$" she replies.
"15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts
"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs."
"Fine, how can i say no?"
Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"
"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.
"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.
"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dipz3e/a_man_is_walking_the_las_vegas_strip_and_runs/
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Dark humor is like food

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dipuyh/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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The wife and I decided we don't want children.

We're telling them tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diptjq/the_wife_and_i_decided_we_dont_want_children/
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My friend has an unhealthy obsession with ocean life

I told her to sea kelp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dipo7m/my_friend_has_an_unhealthy_obsession_with_ocean/
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Did you know

3/2 people have trouble with fractions?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diplk4/did_you_know/
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You know how when we were kids, we thought if you dig a deep enough hole, you get to China?

The NBA is going to try to find out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dipk6y/you_know_how_when_we_were_kids_we_thought_if_you/
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When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dipboo/when_i_was_ten_my_mom_told_me_to_take_my_brother/
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My asian aunt's quiet daughter

is called Nosai Hai.
I think thats a great shy niece name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dip9ug/my_asian_aunts_quiet_daughter/
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What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dip7rt/what_do_9_out_of_10_people_enjoy/
%
Little Mary is riding a train with her grandma

Suddenly, Mary opens the window and leans out.
,,Watch out Mary, you might get hurt by tree branches." says grandma.
Mary replies,,Don't worry grandma, there are no trees, just co-co-co-co-co-co-concrete pillars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diote0/little_mary_is_riding_a_train_with_her_grandma/
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I have the hardest time making it to funerals...

I've just never been a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dioln7/i_have_the_hardest_time_making_it_to_funerals/
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A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar

and starts drinking
I said to him do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?
Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?
No it's because your drinking my fucking beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dioge2/a_chinese_guy_stands_next_to_me_in_a_bar/
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Why do they call him Lord Vader?

Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diofkn/why_do_they_call_him_lord_vader/
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Chinese history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diof70/chinese_history_in_5_words/
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Things I will never do if we date:

- give you up
- let you down
- run around and desert you
- give you an orgasm
- make you cry
- say goodbye
- tell a lie and hurt you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dio3c7/things_i_will_never_do_if_we_date/
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Thank god for fingers

You can always count on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dio2ah/thank_god_for_fingers/
%
He took my glasses off and said, “Without your glasses, why, you’re beautiful.”

She said, “Without my glasses, you’re not half bad either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dinzsw/he_took_my_glasses_off_and_said_without_your/
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Who called it hamstring?

And not thighceps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ding9a/who_called_it_hamstring/
%
What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dinfhk/whats_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a_chick/
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a guy walks into a shop and asks for two wasps. the shop assistant looks confused and says sorry but they don’t sell wasps

the man says “but you’ve got one in the window”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dinf42/a_guy_walks_into_a_shop_and_asks_for_two_wasps/
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What do you get when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent?

Beats me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dinal9/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_alcohol_with_an/
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I recently took up meditation,

It's certainly better than sitting around doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/din8rq/i_recently_took_up_meditation/
%
My lizard needs some viagra...

Its got a reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/din71w/my_lizard_needs_some_viagra/
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I got mixed up between the words "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza"

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/din3to/i_got_mixed_up_between_the_words_jacuzzi_and/
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How does a phone get drunk?

It takes screenshots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dimp2z/how_does_a_phone_get_drunk/
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Bank Robber : Wherr is the safe?

Teller :
Bank Robber : WTF. Where is the safe?
Teller :
Penn : He always does this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dimnab/bank_robber_wherr_is_the_safe/
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I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dimc12/ive_been_charged_with_murder_for_killing_a_man/
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A young boy goes and visits his grandfather for a few days

During the first meal the boy says to his grandfather: "Are these plates clean? They feel kind of gooey."
"They are as clean as coldwater gets them." The grandfather replies.
During the next meal the young boy notices the same thing again and asks "Are these plates clean? They feel kind of gooey."
"They are as clean as coldwater gets them." The grandfather replies.
This happens during every meal until the day arrives when the young boy leaves for his home again. While getting out of the door the grandfathers dog suddenly jumps on the young boy and the grandfather yells "Coldwater! Stop that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dim9ey/a_young_boy_goes_and_visits_his_grandfather_for_a/
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How Long is a Chinese name.

It really is...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dim8ve/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
%
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dim41s/my_wife_has_this_weird_ocd_where_she_arranges_the/
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My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed.

It will be our joint account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dim0zo/my_girlfriend_and_i_went_to_the_bank_and_opened_a/
%
Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?
Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dilpvr/asked_my_parents_if_i_was_an_accident/
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Have you heard about the guys who's alarm prevented him from having sex in his dream?

He got clock-blocked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dilpkx/have_you_heard_about_the_guys_whos_alarm/
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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.
Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?
Scientist: Well we started the tests on pumpkins, we infused a large amount of human dna into them and the results were... displeasing. They did form life but it was too barbaric and got itself extinct.
Journalist: Ahh how upsetting, what else did you try?
Scientist: It became a theory that size of the subject could be a factor, so we tried Apples. Again infusing them with human dna, they turned out to be better than the pumpkins. They were far less barbaric, but acted like herbivore livestock, we liked to compare them to cows. They didn't really do much, they just ate grass and pooped.
Journalist: Were there any successful test results?
Scientist: Yes actually, we tried the test once more on the smallest subjects we had at our disposal, peas. Infusing the peas with human dna resulted in a brilliance abundance of life. These peas were extremely intelligent, in just a matter of hours they set up a town, overnight they made a nest as enormous and complex as a typical city full of around 100,000 peas. Would you care to see?
Journalist: Yes please! This sounds intriguing.
*the scientist shows her but she's not impressed *
Scientist: Is something wrong??
Journalist: It's cool and all, but I definitely feel like your overexaggerrated the size of your pea nest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diloz1/a_female_journalist_is_taking_a_tour_of_a_new/
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I married a girl who didn’t believe in sex before marriage.

In hindsight, I should have made sure she believed in sex after marriage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dile9e/i_married_a_girl_who_didnt_believe_in_sex_before/
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FBI questioning a murder suspect

Q: When did you go to her house?
A: Never
Q: Where are you from?
A: Ghana
Q: Did you sell or give those to her?
A: Give
Q: Who did you contact first?
A: You
Q: Where did you go after you contacted us?
A: Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dil3df/fbi_questioning_a_murder_suspect/
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A Russian goes to Thailand

and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.
"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."
"What's the danger in that?"
"One of them is a man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dikxeq/a_russian_goes_to_thailand/
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Why’d the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diku2z/whyd_the_chicken_cross_the_basketball_court/
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My buddy Jacob is a bad driver. He got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.

Jacob said, "This is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my backseat which it still unbroken. This surely is a sign. We should toast". The other man agreed, it was a sign and a toast was in order. So Jacob popped the cork and the other man took a big swig and passed the bottle back.
And my buddy Jacob said, “No thanks. I’ll wait for the cops to show up first.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dikeml/my_buddy_jacob_is_a_bad_driver_he_got_in_a_bad/
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The thing I hate most about being Bipolar?

It’s awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dikb81/the_thing_i_hate_most_about_being_bipolar/
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The Levels of Death

A man dies and arrives in Hell. He looks around. The sky is gloomy and rainy. He’s approached by an old man. The old man says, “Hello. Welcome to Hell. Let me show you around.” So the old man starts to show him around. He shows the man to a rundown shack and says, “This is where you’ll sleep.” He then shows the man a table with moldy, disgusting sandwiches. “This is where you’ll get food.” The old man said. Then, he shows the man a table with dirty water. “This is where you’ll get your drink.” Said the old man. And despite the terrible quality of the food and water, there was still a long line of people for the sandwiches, and a long line for the water. The old man then showed the man to a coal mine. The old man told the man, “This is where you will work every day. You will get 5¢ each day. You can either use that money to get food and water, or, you can save up $1,000,000 and buy your way into the next level of death.” The old man left and the man thought to himself, “If I’m gonna be dead, I might as well have the best time as possible.” So he worked day, after day, after day. Not being able to die, but feeling the pains of hunger and dehydration. Saving up his money until he had collected his $1,000,000. He went over to these Victorian style gates with knights standing guard. He hands them his money, and they let him through.
The man arrives in Purgatory. He looks around. The sky is cloudy. He’s approached by the same old man as before. The old man says, “Hello. Welcome to Purgatory. I’m glad to see you made it. Let me show you around.” So the old man starts to show him around. He shows the man to a small townhome and says, “This is where you’ll sleep.” He then shows the man a table with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. “This is where you’ll get food.” The old man said. Then, he showed the man a table with clean tap water. “This is where you’ll get your drink.” Said the old man. And with the ok quality of the food and water, there was a long line of people for the sandwiches, and a long line for the water. The old man then showed the man to a factory. The old man told the man, “This is where you will work every day. You will get 10¢ each day. You can either use that money to get food and water, or, you can save up $10,000,000 and buy your way into Heaven. The old man left and the man thought to himself, “If I’m gonna be dead, I might as well have the best time as possible.” So he worked day, after day, after day. Still feeling the pains of hunger and dehydration. Saving up his money until he had collected his $10,000,000. He went over to these lavish and beautiful golden gates with armored angels standing guard. He hands them his money, and they let him through.
The man arrives in Heaven. He looks around. The sky is clear and sunny. He’s approached by the same old man as before. The old man says, “Hello. Welcome to Heaven. Not many people get here, so I’m proud of you. Let me show you around.” So the old man starts to show him around. He shows the man to a beautiful mansion and says, “This is where you’ll sleep.” He then shows the man a delicious buffet. “This is where you’ll get food.” The old man said. Then, he showed the man a table with fruit punch. “This is where you’ll get your drink.” Said the old man. And there was a long line of people for the buffet, and there was no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dik4nv/the_levels_of_death/
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Hindus are so chill

i’ve never had beef with any of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dik2br/hindus_are_so_chill/
%
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?

Reintarnation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dik16z/what_is_it_called_when_a_cowboy_dies_and_comes/
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Him: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Her: "OK, maybe writing out own wedding vows was a mistake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dijvsu/him_keep_your_friends_close_and_your_enemies/
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A man at the gym proposed to his girlfriend.

She said no.
I guess it didn’t workout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diju63/a_man_at_the_gym_proposed_to_his_girlfriend/
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The kids in Dubai don't get to watch the Flintstones...

...But the ones in Abu Dhabi dooo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dijr0r/the_kids_in_dubai_dont_get_to_watch_the/
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What do you call ticks in an open relationship?

Politics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dijegi/what_do_you_call_ticks_in_an_open_relationship/
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A man walks into a bar...

and orders ten shots. When the bartender comes back with the shots, the man smashes the first one and the tenth ones on the floor. The bartender asks, "What did you do that for?!" The man says, "The first one always tastes like crap and the last one always makes me sick!"
and orders ten shots. The bartender gives him the shots and goes to grab the cheque. When the bartender comes back, the man is halfway done all of his shots. The bartender exclaims, "Why are you drinking so fast?!" The man says, after finishing his last shot, "You'd be doing the same if you had what I had!" The bartender asks, "What do you have?" The man says, "75 cents!" and bolts out the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dijc0l/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway... Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting...

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn,and yelled,"PULL OVER"
"No!"the blond yelled back," its
a scarf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dij8p5/a_highway_patrolman_pulled_alongside_a_speeding/
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Is this a zucchini in my pocket, or am I...

...(username)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dij42q/is_this_a_zucchini_in_my_pocket_or_am_i/
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Did you hear JC Penny opened a store in Zimbabwe?

It’s called JC Trillion Dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diiwyb/did_you_hear_jc_penny_opened_a_store_in_zimbabwe/
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When I was a kid, I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled in your ears.

Imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diiwxd/when_i_was_a_kid_i_was_terrified_of_earwigs/
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A young man gets a flat tire and must find a place to stay for the night...

He knocks on the door of a nearby house and an old man greets him.  The old man hears out the young mans predicament, and allows him to stay for a night.  Later the young man hears strange noises coming from a red door on the other side of his room but goes to sleep anyway. Asking the old man the next morning what made those noises, he told him:
“I can’t tell you, you’re not a priest.”
The young man takes off and several years pass.  Coincidentally, the same series of events happen later on where the young man gets another flat tire and goes to the old mans house knowing of his past generosity.  Once again the old man allows him to stay the night, and once again the younger man hears weird noises from the red door across the room where he sleeps.  The next morning he asks the old man what the noises are and he tells him:
“I can’t tell you, you’re not a priest.”
But this time, the young man IS a priest because he has finished that schooling and gotten a job at his local church.  Telling the old man this, he is given a set of rainbow keys and is led to the red door.  Putting the red key in the red door, the young man opens it and the old man tells gestures to him to move forward on his own.
After walking down a long hallway the man finds an orange door where he uses the orange key to open the orange door and he turns left.  He walks down another long hallway and finds a yellow door which he opens with the yellow key.  Turning right this time, he walks down one more hallway and opens a green door with the green key.  Going down a flight of stairs he unlocks the blue door with predictable methods now and with little light remaining in the room he locates the purple door.  Finally opening it with the last key, the young man gazed upon the source of the noises causing his confusion.
“What was it that caused the noise??” you are probably asking...
Well...
I can’t tell you, you’re not a priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diiwr0/a_young_man_gets_a_flat_tire_and_must_find_a/
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With Japan beating Scotland in the rugby World Cup they just need to beat England

They already have a good record against whales

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diiwmr/with_japan_beating_scotland_in_the_rugby_world/
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Why is girlfriend one word but best friend two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diiv9p/why_is_girlfriend_one_word_but_best_friend_two/
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Did you hear about the Japanese poet who smoked a boatload of opium and overthrew the shogun?

They called it a high coup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diiud4/did_you_hear_about_the_japanese_poet_who_smoked_a/
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What did the pirate say when he saw two of his shipmates pegging each other?

What are you doing to my leg??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diipsy/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_saw_two_of_his/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Approximately -0.8959441702

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dihwwo/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.

Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dihukn/congress_will_never_impeach_donald_trump/
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I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.
I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dihmv6/i_used_to_smoke_weed_with_a_nun/
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DONT HIT THE BALL!!!

DON'T HIT THE BALL
A husband and wife were out playing golf.
They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.
She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.
She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere.
She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups.
From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter.
Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the
point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussywillows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dihihg/dont_hit_the_ball/
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Are you a red stone torch

Because you make my piston turn on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dihhyi/are_you_a_red_stone_torch/
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I know nothing about the sport of fencing

But I attended a match with a friend who promised to explain everything.
The fencer took position, and one lunged at the other who batted the blade away.
The crowd went wild.
"That was a parry." My friend explained.
The fencer lunged again, the other deflected the blade and touched the tip of his foil against his opponent's chest.
The crowd began to boo and hiss.
"That is a ripostè."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dihdg5/i_know_nothing_about_the_sport_of_fencing/
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Alot of people have been protesting for the climate

They're just afraid of change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dih9ba/alot_of_people_have_been_protesting_for_the/
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A wife is like a hand grenade.

Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dih8tq/a_wife_is_like_a_hand_grenade/
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dih3or/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/digykk/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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They say good and bad things come in threes.

That's odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/digu3m/they_say_good_and_bad_things_come_in_threes/
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Just quit my side job as an organ harvester. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

It was too disheartening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/digtm9/just_quit_my_side_job_as_an_organ_harvester_i/
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What do you call a dinosaur that's just been bummed?

Mega-sore-arse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dignvz/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_thats_just_been_bummed/
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A ghost threw a ball at me once

At first i was confused......
and then it hit me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/digglx/a_ghost_threw_a_ball_at_me_once/
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What do you call someone from Northern Syria who took refuge in Wisconsin?

A cheese Kurd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diggix/what_do_you_call_someone_from_northern_syria_who/
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What do fortnite players and olive oil have in common?

They’re both extra virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diggd6/what_do_fortnite_players_and_olive_oil_have_in/
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What do you do as a Dyslexic Insomniac Atheist?

You stay up all night questioning the existence of a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dig9v1/what_do_you_do_as_a_dyslexic_insomniac_atheist/
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What happens when you don’t pay the exorcist

You get repossessed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dig8rz/what_happens_when_you_dont_pay_the_exorcist/
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What’s the difference between a sandstorm and a blizzard?

A sandstorm doesn’t oppress your right to free speech

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dig420/whats_the_difference_between_a_sandstorm_and_a/
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I was invited to a potluck and invited to bring my favorite casserole...

My family, being from Minnesota, has an affinity towards a particular brand of potted meat -- so I bring a casserole with this as the main ingredient.
When I get to the potluck, I am instructed to place my casserole in the bottom right corner of the table.  As other guests arrive my casserole gets moved several times to make way for other dishes.  About this time, the host brings out a big plate of food and sets it down directly on top of my casserole which has now been moved completely out of place...
...because no one expects the Spam dish mispositioned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dig2vk/i_was_invited_to_a_potluck_and_invited_to_bring/
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Why do Jehovah’s Witness hate halloween?

They don’t like having random people come knocking at their door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dig1m6/why_do_jehovahs_witness_hate_halloween/
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How does a duck fart?

With its ass quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diftr5/how_does_a_duck_fart/
%
I hate people who take drugs.

DEA is the worst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/difs4j/i_hate_people_who_take_drugs/
%
Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.

She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her.
Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?
Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out.
The little girl starts laughing.
What's so funny hunny?
You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/difojg/little_suzie_walks_in_on_her_parents_having_sex/
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A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced.

However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival. He went up to the new rooster and said "right, I'll make you a deal, let's race for the hens, one lap around the farmhouse. you win, I leave, I win, you leave."
The new rooster, being much younger, clearly could see that he would easily beat this old timer entirely and agreed.
"However" the old rooster added "since i'm obviously much older, you must wait until i've completed half of the lap before starting, so I have a fair chance"
The younger rooster knew that even with that advantage, it was a shoe in, so he agreed.
The race started and the older rooster set off, by the half way point he was already huffing and puffing, feeling his age. The younger rooster sped off like a rocket and was quickly catching up. By the time the older rooster was at the three quarter mark, he was almost out of breath, heaving desperately. The younger rooster was coming up right behind him, was seconds away from beating him.
When suddenly *BLAM!* The farmer's shotgun rang out, the new rooster collapsed into a bloody heap of feathers.
"Damn" the farmer sighed  "third gay rooster this month"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/difhe3/a_farmer_had_just_gotten_a_new_rooster_for_his/
%
My daughter asked if theres any difference between "actually" and "in actuality". I said

Well yes, but in actuality no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/difgxa/my_daughter_asked_if_theres_any_difference/
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Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.

It was the least I could do for him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diffaj/yesterday_i_spotted_an_albino_dalmatian/
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I was going to join the debating team at my university.

But they talked me out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/difa8r/i_was_going_to_join_the_debating_team_at_my/
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Taht

Sorry, I spelt that backwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dif912/taht/
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My dad is gay

And coincidentally, so is my other dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dif6o1/my_dad_is_gay/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dif29c/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diezga/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
I recently came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike contest.

So close but no cigar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diexu4/i_recently_came_second_in_a_winston_churchill/
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A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it’s a gay bar:

"What the heck." He says to himself. "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. "What’s the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says. "Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
"The gay waiter says. "I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'"
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks. "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies. "‘Cause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking."
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says.....
"So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds. "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says. "I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says. "Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diewnz/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_and_two_steps_in_he/
%
Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Indian tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like.

The modern-day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared.
After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dievov/fall_was_upon_a_remote_reservation_when_the/
%
Some dude died in the gutter

It was ruled a sewer cide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dieqc1/some_dude_died_in_the_gutter/
%
According to women, men dont have feelings

But that's just not true at all, we sometimes feel hungry and thirsty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diegzy/according_to_women_men_dont_have_feelings/
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My friend told me my hobbies were too basic

That was the most scientific way I've ever been offered acid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/die9dp/my_friend_told_me_my_hobbies_were_too_basic/
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Two blondes are working at a warehouse...

One blonde, tired of working, says to the other: “Watch this, I’m going to act crazy so that the boss will send me home.”
She climbs up the racking and hangs from the rafters yelling “I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB!!”
“What are you doing?! Get down from there and GO HOME!” shouts the boss.
The second blonde picks up her toolbag and heads towards the door. “Where in the HELL do you think you’re going??” the boss exclaims.
“Well, I can’t work in the dark!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/die76n/two_blondes_are_working_at_a_warehouse/
%
I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next".

They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/die5rg/i_hated_going_to_weddings_all_the_grandmas_would/
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I have a dairy farm

I named Dairy Air.
Now it’s the butt of every joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/didpjq/i_have_a_dairy_farm/
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The place with the highest percentage of recycling

r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/didi53/the_place_with_the_highest_percentage_of_recycling/
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99% of the population is stupid

Luckily, I’m part of the 3%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/didcgq/99_of_the_population_is_stupid/
%
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

If you were looking for a punchline them im sorry to say but its in the title. Now i know this breaks the rules but for this specific joke to have the punchline separate just destroys the underlying potential humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/didbms/a_dyslexic_man_walks_into_a_bra/
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Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:
Let's fuck grandma.
Let's fuck, grandma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dida3p/commas_can_really_change_the_meaning_of_a_sentence/
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Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/did0us/husband_doing_crossword_with_his_wife/
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Did you hear about the World Crossword Puzzle Champion who died?

He was buried six feet down and three feet across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/did0jy/did_you_hear_about_the_world_crossword_puzzle/
%
How do you make a soul singer out of a duck?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dicvbc/how_do_you_make_a_soul_singer_out_of_a_duck/
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I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.

I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dickoe/i_went_out_with_my_girlfriend_to_a_fancy/
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I like my men like I like my women

I’m Bisexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dicho2/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_women/
%
Mick, Sean and Paddy are chatting in the bar.

Mick says: Women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive!"
Sean says: "That's nothing, my wife's on a diet and she' not even fat"
Paddy says: "That's fuck all, my wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dicbt4/mick_sean_and_paddy_are_chatting_in_the_bar/
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I was going to buy a load of whey protein powder today.

It's always better to buy it in bulk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dica0p/i_was_going_to_buy_a_load_of_whey_protein_powder/
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Everyone says I'm narcissistic

But I'm too busy thinking about myself to care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dic2tv/everyone_says_im_narcissistic/
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How are the mafia and a pussy alike?

One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dibzet/how_are_the_mafia_and_a_pussy_alike/
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Gambling is like eating a bowl of pistachios

If you get a good pistachio, you want another good one
If you get a bad one, you want a good one even more
And that’s gambling for you in a nutshell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dibqkt/gambling_is_like_eating_a_bowl_of_pistachios/
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Did you hear about the man that got kicked in the anus?

It rectum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dibqfk/did_you_hear_about_the_man_that_got_kicked_in_the/
%
I found out I have a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dibmqh/i_found_out_i_have_a_fetish_for_figuring_things/
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Trump shouldn't have said "shithole countries"

The correct term is turd-world countries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diblfs/trump_shouldnt_have_said_shithole_countries/
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What's China's favorite makeup to wear?

Concealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dibkmd/whats_chinas_favorite_makeup_to_wear/
%
How do you like your steak?

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir? Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dibcxx/how_do_you_like_your_steak/
%
Why do bullets hurt people?

They're upset after having just been fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dibcah/why_do_bullets_hurt_people/
%
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?

That's a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dib9dy/how_many_software_developers_does_it_take_to/
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My sister in California said she felt two earthquakes just in the last week.

I told her it was her fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dib93z/my_sister_in_california_said_she_felt_two/
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My girlfriend dumped me. So I took away her wheelchair

And she came crawling back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dib54c/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_so_i_took_away_her/
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How much will the EU loose after brexit?

About 1 GB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diandm/how_much_will_the_eu_loose_after_brexit/
%
How do you call it when two short people do 69?

ea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diakzl/how_do_you_call_it_when_two_short_people_do_69/
%
You know lorena bobbitt the lady who cut her husbands penis off??

She was in a bad wreck last week and died.
Some dick cut her off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diakxg/you_know_lorena_bobbitt_the_lady_who_cut_her/
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Whats a kiss without k called

Harassment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/diagmj/whats_a_kiss_without_k_called/
%
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

Rearranged the furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dia6b4/how_did_helen_kellers_parents_punish_her/
%
Why did Spock look into Kirk's toilet?

He wanted to see the Captains log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dia611/why_did_spock_look_into_kirks_toilet/
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How do we know the first man Adam wasn't black?

Ever tried to take a rib from a black man?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dia5k5/how_do_we_know_the_first_man_adam_wasnt_black/
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I've been meeting up with a group of alcoholics who want to get better.

We've found we're much better drinkers when we're all doing it together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di9yqo/ive_been_meeting_up_with_a_group_of_alcoholics/
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Heartbreaking

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di9y0b/heartbreaking/
%
My coworker was measuring two cups of creamer, trying to make them even...

I told him not to worry, it was already half and half

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di9uuy/my_coworker_was_measuring_two_cups_of_creamer/
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The NBA has updated its rules on travelling

Instead of dribbling, players are now allowed to take a great leap forward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di9ueu/the_nba_has_updated_its_rules_on_travelling/
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A bike can’t stand on its own.

It’s two tired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di9nfy/a_bike_cant_stand_on_its_own/
%
I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di9hb9/ill_never_use_that_dictionary_again/
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My Uncle used to say: "when one door closes, another opens"

He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di9a57/my_uncle_used_to_say_when_one_door_closes_another/
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When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men

You have to fear the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di9a02/when_youre_alone_in_germany_being_approached_by_a/
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Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine. Do you know why seven eight nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di93zj/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven_because_seven_eight/
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What is it called when your best friend kills you?

Homie-cide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di90lm/what_is_it_called_when_your_best_friend_kills_you/
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I just came out with a new male contraceptive device...

It's a rock you stick in your shoe and it makes you limp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di8dxe/i_just_came_out_with_a_new_male_contraceptive/
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Disney finally released Yoda's last name. His full name is:

Yoda Lay-Heehoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di8b1c/disney_finally_released_yodas_last_name_his_full/
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A man walks into an lift (elevator)

He looks at the attractive woman inside and says, "Can I smell your vagina?"
Horrified, she moves away from him,
"No, you can not!"
"Oh ok, it must be your feet then"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di88ve/a_man_walks_into_an_lift_elevator/
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A blonde decided to paint a room.

When her husband got home, he asked,
'Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?' She replied,
'The can said for best results apply 2 coats.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di845d/a_blonde_decided_to_paint_a_room/
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My father always told me to treat the Janitor with the same respect that I would give to the CEO

So I told Mr. Bezos to clean the dog shit out of my carpet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di7u9y/my_father_always_told_me_to_treat_the_janitor/
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What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

It doesn't cost $200 to have a garbanzo bean on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di7u99/what_is_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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what do farmers say when they let geese and ducks out?

release the quacken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di7tm2/what_do_farmers_say_when_they_let_geese_and_ducks/
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A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" and the guy said "I thought you were out of town!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di7n20/a_guy_was_watching_football_while_his_wife_was/
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This year i turned 20 and I've never used essential oils

Which makes me wonder just how essential they really are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di7mm1/this_year_i_turned_20_and_ive_never_used/
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Why do Trekkies make bad sports fans?

They are always rooting for the Away Team.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di7mm4/why_do_trekkies_make_bad_sports_fans/
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The police are looking for two stars of the school play who went missing.

They don’t have any leads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di7mag/the_police_are_looking_for_two_stars_of_the/
%
a guy is praying:

A guy: "For God, how much time is million years?"
A voice from above: "For God, million years is one minute."
A guy: "For God, how much money is million dollars?"
A voice from above: "For God, million dollars is one cent."
A guy: "Can God please give me one cent?"
A voice from above: "Wait a minute..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di7f1i/a_guy_is_praying/
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Farmer John owned a pool.

Every night these three ducks would sneak in and splash around, keeping John up at night.
Eventually, John got sick of it and called the police on the ducks.
They were brought before the judge the next day.
"Alright," the Judge said. "What I need you to do is walk up here and state your name and what you were doing in Farmer John's pool."
The first duck waddled up. "Hi," he started. "My name's Duck and I was blowing bubbles in Farmer John's pool."
The Judge let him go and the next duck waddled up. "Your honor," he started. "My name is Duck Duck and I was blowing bubbles in Farmer John's pool."
The Judge let him go and the next duck waddled up. "Wait, lemme guess." The Judge said. "Your name is 'Duck Duck Duck' and you were blowing bubbles in Farmer John's pool."
"What?" the third duck said. "My name's Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di7bmq/farmer_john_owned_a_pool/
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On first date :

She: What do you prefer cats or dogs?
Me: I don't see them anywhere in menu, which page are you on?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di7a89/on_first_date/
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Ever put baguettes up your butthole?

Le pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di75k2/ever_put_baguettes_up_your_butthole/
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Which friends should you always take out to dinner?

Your taste buds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di71ec/which_friends_should_you_always_take_out_to_dinner/
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What do you call a horse with a broken leg?

Elmer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6yzv/what_do_you_call_a_horse_with_a_broken_leg/
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What do you call a polite cop?

A please officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6yxv/what_do_you_call_a_polite_cop/
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What celebrities in both China and USA have one thing in common

Afraid of criticizing Chinese government and like to criticize US government.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6xf1/what_celebrities_in_both_china_and_usa_have_one/
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Why did the lesbian move to Agrabah?

Because she didn't want to let a lad in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6whw/why_did_the_lesbian_move_to_agrabah/
%
I ordered 2000 pounds of Chinese soup

It was won ton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6t5i/i_ordered_2000_pounds_of_chinese_soup/
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What do a pulse and orgasm have in common?

Doesn't matter if she has one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6rk9/what_do_a_pulse_and_orgasm_have_in_common/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6oqq/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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I fucked a DVD.

Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank dvd. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it started being painful. My pp was stuck in the dvd, and I had to break it in half to get if out. It was then when I flipped the broken dvd over and realized that it was not a blank dvd, but a copy of the movie UP.
Well guys, guess I fucked up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6n5s/i_fucked_a_dvd/
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Someone stole my Microsoft office and they’re gonna pay,

You have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6m2n/someone_stole_my_microsoft_office_and_theyre/
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What do you call a cat that’s iron man?

Feline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6lb6/what_do_you_call_a_cat_thats_iron_man/
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A bad joke

2 tall guys and a midget walk into a bar.
The 2 tall guys say "ow" and the midget laughs in victory.
Sorry for the bad joke it is my cake day and I don't have anything interesting to post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6hzz/a_bad_joke/
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Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6eyp/dont_you_hate_it_when_someone_answers_their_own/
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Here’s something that will make you smile.

Your face muscles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6dqx/heres_something_that_will_make_you_smile/
%
What do you call a psychopathic farm?

A hos-till farm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6cjo/what_do_you_call_a_psychopathic_farm/
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My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas

The police verdict? Hummuscide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6axy/my_friend_was_killed_by_a_2_ton_sack_of_falling/
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City Con

A country bumpkin comes to the city for the first time and can't help be amazed by the tall skyscrapers. His mouth is agape and his head tilt up to the sky.
Suddenly he bumps into a guy from the city.
"Hey buddy! Watch where you're walking!"
"I'm sorry sir. This is my first excursion out of the farm and was so amazed by the buildings I didn't see where I was walking."
"Hey don't you know there is a viewing fee for newcomers to the city? How many stories did you look at?"
"Excuse me sir?"
"How many floors of the building did you see?"
"Well, I saw up to about 40 floors of this building here."
"That'll be 40 bucks. One for each floor."
The farmer takes 40 bucks out of his pouch and hands it over and quickly walks away.
Then he grins to himself and shakes his head.
"These city folks are idiots. He had no idea I was looking at all 100 floors of that building."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di6a27/city_con/
%
An illiterate dad and his son who has a PhD in astrology went camping.

They unpacked and set up their tent. After dinner they went to sleep. A few hours later dad woke and was looking at the stars.
He woke his son up and asked him, "what do you see?"
He son said, "astronomically, it tells you that there are a lot of galaxies out there,"
His father interrupted, "no you idiot, someone stole the tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di66zr/an_illiterate_dad_and_his_son_who_has_a_phd_in/
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Long time ago we had empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings.

Now we have countries...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di605n/long_time_ago_we_had_empires_run_by_emperors_then/
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If you don't get enough fibre in your diet

... tough shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di5wwx/if_you_dont_get_enough_fibre_in_your_diet/
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Behind every successful man is a woman

Chasing him.
;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di5ves/behind_every_successful_man_is_a_woman/
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Donald Trump is flying over New York City.

He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"
His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."
Donald says, "Son, that's a great idea!"
His wife turns to him and says, "Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people happy!"
Donald looks at her and says, "Babe, that is a fantastic idea! The best I've heard!"
The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, "As long as you're at it, why don't you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di5qpv/donald_trump_is_flying_over_new_york_city/
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What do you do with crude oil?

Teach it manners!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di5mod/what_do_you_do_with_crude_oil/
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What would Sokka call The Last Airbender if he was born in the 50s?

Boomer Aang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di5kei/what_would_sokka_call_the_last_airbender_if_he/
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Why did the pianist get arrested?

Because he was fingering minors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di5ffw/why_did_the_pianist_get_arrested/
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If a dog works hard investigating and helps catches criminals and listens to a cop, it's a Police Hound

but if the dog did the same thing but listened to a Private Investigator it's a Snoop Dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di5enc/if_a_dog_works_hard_investigating_and_helps/
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What is grammar?

The difference between Knowing your shit, and knowing you're shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di5bww/what_is_grammar/
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"Dad, I am a 3d Printer.."

Oh come on, Tommy, close the door when you poop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di59r2/dad_i_am_a_3d_printer/
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Diamonds are the only thing in the natural world that can cut themselves...

I think someone should book them a therapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di57yi/diamonds_are_the_only_thing_in_the_natural_world/
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A man rushes with his dog to the vet, but the doctor tells him the dog is dead

The man doesn’t believe it, so the vet goes to the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows.
“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The dog sniffs the body and barks.
“I’m sorry, but the Lab thinks your dog is dead, too.”
The man finally accepts the diagnosis and asks the vet for the bill.
“It’s 650 dollars.”
“650 to tell me my dog is dead?”
“Well, I would only have charged you $50 for my first diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and the lab test.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di51p7/a_man_rushes_with_his_dog_to_the_vet_but_the/
%
What do you call a sad ant?

A depressant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di4zug/what_do_you_call_a_sad_ant/
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Yo Mamma's so ugly....

She ordered a Happy meal and made it cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di4zix/yo_mammas_so_ugly/
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What do you call a fake noodle ?

An Impasta
*badum tiss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di4wml/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
One Hell of a Headache

Steve had suffered from blinding headaches for many years, since his late teens. He decided to try one last time to remedy his situation, and went to see a headache specialist.
The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to
press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Steve was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." Steve entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Steve' laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Steve tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Steve admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Steve thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Steve and said, "Let's see ... 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."
Steve was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Steve tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Steve adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Steve was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Steve's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2 E."
Steve was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Steve tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. As Steve walked comfortably around the shop the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Steve thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Steve's waist and said,
"Let's see size 36."
Steve laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di4tn1/one_hell_of_a_headache/
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David, a senior citizen, was driving along the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful.'
'Hell,' said David, 'It's not just one - there are dozens of them!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di4nl2/david_a_senior_citizen_was_driving_along_the_m25/
%
Officers, how did the hackers get away?

We dunno, they ransomeware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di4hm5/officers_how_did_the_hackers_get_away/
%
How do hookers fart

They let out little prosti-toots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di4gzg/how_do_hookers_fart/
%
Can we please ban yo mama jokes on this sub? All of the yo mama jokes have been done thousands of times by thousands of people.

Kinda like yo mama!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di4cvt/can_we_please_ban_yo_mama_jokes_on_this_sub_all/
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A boy walks in on his parents having sex...

He asks, What are you doing? The dad replies, Making you a brother or sister! The boy says, "Well, do her doggy style I want a puppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di4cts/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_parents_having_sex/
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I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana...

Señor Citizens!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di4bjy/im_opening_up_an_old_folks_home_in_tijuana/
%
One guy is in bed with a woman, when he hears her husband's footsteps

The woman tells him to get his clothes and jump out the window. He complains because it's raining a lot but, having to other option, he jumps out and falls in the middle of the street, where a marathon is taking place.
Trying to go unnoticed, he joins the runners and starts running too. Everyone starts looking at him weirdly, because he doesn't have any clothes on. So one of the runners asks him:
\- Do you always run without clothes?
\- Yes! - He answers - I love this feeling of freedom...
Another runner asks:
\- But do you always run like this, holding your clothes in your hands?
Still not willing to forfeit, he replies:
\- I like it like this. I can get dressed at the end of the race, get in the car and drive home.
A third runner insists:
\- But do you always run holding your clothes in your hands and with a condom on your dick?
\- Only when it's raining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di46cu/one_guy_is_in_bed_with_a_woman_when_he_hears_her/
%
Interviewer: how do you explain the 3 year gap on your resume?

Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale
Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired!
Me: hurray! I got a Yob!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di45on/interviewer_how_do_you_explain_the_3_year_gap_on/
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If you don't like jokes about STDs...

... you're gonorrhea-lly hate this one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di42or/if_you_dont_like_jokes_about_stds/
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The blonde in the field

A blonde secretary was driving down the road in her convertible when she seen another blonde sitting in a row boat in the middle of a field trying to row away. Angrily the blonde stops on the side of the road and yells, “You know, it’s blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim I’d come out there and kick your ass!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di409e/the_blonde_in_the_field/
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Replacing German Language with English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di3wj2/replacing_german_language_with_english/
%
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di3g7f/why_did_the_star_wars_movies_come_out_in_the/
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a bus full of nuns

A few years ago there was a bus full of nuns, sadly, the bus’ brakes went out, and they full off a cliff. there were no survivors.
at the gates of heaven, st. peter is there, with a vat of holy water.
“alright sisters, please make a line” says st. peter, “ah sister marget, welcome to the gates of heaven, however before i permit you entry i must ask you one question.”
“alright then what be your question?” sister marget says
“have you ever touched a penis sister?” st. peter asks, sister marget begins to blush, and shake a little.
“it was only once, and only with my ring finger.” marget says, stammering
“sister, please place your finger in this holy water and you shall be granted entry into heaven” st. peter says. sister margret does so, and walks though the gates. “ah sister sarah, i’m assuming you have heard the question i asked sister marget? have you ever touched a penis before?”
sister sarah replies, “yes i have, with my entire hand”
“well then place it in this holy water and go through the gates dear sister” st. peter says, and she does so. after she walks though the gate, a few of the sisters start to yell, concerned about what’s going on, st. peter says “now sisters what is going on here why are you all yelling?”
one of the nuns pushes her way to the front of the line, and says, “st. peter i am sister pam, and i demand i go next, no if ands or buts about it!”
“what? why must you go next sister pam?” asks st. peter, clearly looking confused.
“why, i’ve heard the question you’ve asked, and i wanna wash my mouth out before sister lauren has to wash her asshole out!!” sister pam yells
honestly unsure of what else to write here but hope you enjoyed the joke :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di3fwo/a_bus_full_of_nuns/
%
The moon landing was fake

I mean it's still up in the sky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di3clp/the_moon_landing_was_fake/
%
Who remembers Vine? It's ok if you don't

It lasted about six seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di2zxm/who_remembers_vine_its_ok_if_you_dont/
%
Paddy is on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire "

and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant (The UK host), he has only one life line left....phone a friend.
The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest?,:
A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo
Paddy doesnt know so he calls his friend Murphy. Murphy answers 'be jesus Paddy, it's a cuckoo 100%.' - Paddy wins the million pounds and is very happy.
Afterward Paddy rings Murphy and asks him 'How the fuck did you know that?
Murphy replies ' Well Paddy yer thick git...it lives in a fucking clock...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di2uju/paddy_is_on_who_wants_to_be_a_millionaire/
%
What do you call the offspring of a elephant and a rhino?

Elephino

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di2p7l/what_do_you_call_the_offspring_of_a_elephant_and/
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My friend was asking for Halloween costume ideas, and I told him he could pull off a good Two-Face.

He said, "Really?"
I said, "Yeah, you just have to make one half look good!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di2o9w/my_friend_was_asking_for_halloween_costume_ideas/
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A taco and a burrito walk into a bar.

The taco starts talking the bartender's ear off while the burrito stays silent and sips his drink. Finally the bartender says, "Hey, why is he so quiet?"
The taco replies, "Oh, sorry. I'm just a lot more open than he is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di2nz1/a_taco_and_a_burrito_walk_into_a_bar/
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So I've been asking what LGBTQ is,

But nobody will give me a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di2m8q/so_ive_been_asking_what_lgbtq_is/
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Knotty Knotty!

Did you hear about the spider that tried to join Reddit a while ago?
>!He got banned for crossposting in multiple threads!!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di2547/knotty_knotty/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di250y/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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There's one kind of people in this world.

Those who know about Schrodinger, and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di1zc0/theres_one_kind_of_people_in_this_world/
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I put down a sizable deposit on a new Mercedes yesterday.

That’s what that snooty dealership gets for telling me their bathrooms are for customers only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di1z61/i_put_down_a_sizable_deposit_on_a_new_mercedes/
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So 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9...but why did 7 eat 9?

Because it's suggested that you eat 3 squared meals a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di1xog/so_6_was_afraid_of_7_because_7_ate_9but_why_did_7/
%
Her: Hey, is your stomach flat?

Me: Yes but the "L" is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di1uge/her_hey_is_your_stomach_flat/
%
Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the shit out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di1tj5/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
%
How does Mario contact his dead brother?

With a Luigi board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di1t09/how_does_mario_contact_his_dead_brother/
%
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

Because it wasn't born yesterday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di1r6q/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_fetus/
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I replaced the handles on a chest of drawers with crucifixes.

Now it's a cross dresser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di1p32/i_replaced_the_handles_on_a_chest_of_drawers_with/
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Did you hear about the farmer who left his gate open, causing his fattest cow to escape?

It was a huge missed steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di1jzv/did_you_hear_about_the_farmer_who_left_his_gate/
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When trying online dating, try opening with a joke that you read on this sub.

That way, you can be sure that they are not some weirdo who’s on Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di1i3e/when_trying_online_dating_try_opening_with_a_joke/
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There is a new book required for Swat Teams to read

Its called "How to quickly open doors" by Bree Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di1hr9/there_is_a_new_book_required_for_swat_teams_to/
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I've been accused of plagiarising from r/dadjokes

Their words, not mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di1hgu/ive_been_accused_of_plagiarising_from_rdadjokes/
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The interview

A guy was in a interview and they asked what my biggest weakness is....
He thought a second and said: my honesty.
They looked at each other then back at me and said: We don’t think that’s a weakness.
He said: I don’t  give a fuck what you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di1dkf/the_interview/
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3 weeks ago, I decided that to stop my addiction I’d donate $1 to charity every time I masturbate.

I’ve already donated $100 to the Cancer Research Foundation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di1bv5/3_weeks_ago_i_decided_that_to_stop_my_addiction/
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A man is looking around a pet store, when he comes across an octopus on sale for $10,000.

He asks the store owner why the octopus is so expensive to which the owner replies, “oh thats no ordinary octopus. He’s special.” He puts a guitar in front of the octopus and the octopus continues get on top of it and use his tentacles to play Stairway to Heaven in its entirety. The man is dumbfounded and says, “this octopus can play the guitar?” The store owner replies, “not just the guitar. He can play any and every instrument known to man,” and proceeds to place a harp in front of it. The octopus plays a beautiful song on the harp, and the man figures he can use this octopus to bet people that his octopus could play any instrument and easily get back his $10,000. He buys the octopus and heads over to the bar.
When he gets to the bar he jumps on top of a table, holding the octopus high above his head, and announces, “I will bet anybody in the bar, any amount of money, that this octopus can play any instrument you set in front of him.” The bartender rolls out a piano, and says, “I’ll bet you $100 he cant play this.” So the man sets the octopus on the piano, and it plays the Pachelbel’s canon in D perfectly. Impressed, the bartender hands the man a crisp $100 bill. A drunk man jumps up and yells, “I bet you $5000 he cant play the drums.” The bartender brings out a drumset used for open mic night, and the octopus is sat on the seat, and continues to play  an incredible drum solo that leaves everyone in awe. The bar owner comes up to him and says, “I have an instrument behind the bar, and ill bet you $10,000 your octopus cant play it.” The man agrees and the bartender pulls out a set of bagpipes. Unbothered he sets the octopus on the bagpipes and waits eagerly. The octopus squirms around the bagpipes, using its tentacles to make some kind of melody. Theres a few notes here and there, but no real discernible melody. The octopus continues to roll around and squirm around the bagpipes, when the bar owner shouts excitedly, “I win! He cant play the bagpipes, and you owe me $10,000!” The man, completely unfazed, replies, “be patient. Once he realizes he can’t fuck it, he’ll play it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di17k7/a_man_is_looking_around_a_pet_store_when_he_comes/
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Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.

Push that man off a cliff, and he will fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di0rgp/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_he_will_fly_for_a/
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Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?

A lot of good soles were lost...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di0qh6/did_you_hear_about_the_fire_at_the_shoe_factory/
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A woman sat on the roof of her house as the flood waters rose around her.

A man in a small motor boat pulled up and said, "Come on! We've got to go!" She replied, "No thank you. I'm waiting on the Lord to save me."
Not long after that, a helicopter hovered overhead and a rescue worker repelled down to try and save her. She said, "No thank you. I'm waiting on the Lord to save me."
Eventually, the floodwaters rose above her home and she drowned. While standing at the Pearly Gates she saw the Lord and said to him "Oh Lord, why didn't you save me?"
The Lord replied, "I sent you a boat, I sent you a helicopter, what in the hell do you want?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di0ixq/a_woman_sat_on_the_roof_of_her_house_as_the_flood/
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When’s the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth Hurty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di0gxo/whens_the_best_time_to_go_to_the_dentist/
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If Jack Black stole from African-American card players while playing the card game 21...

He'd be Jack Black jacking blacks during black jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di09rc/if_jack_black_stole_from_africanamerican_card/
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What did the blind man say when he met an old friend?

Nice to run into you again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/di09cb/what_did_the_blind_man_say_when_he_met_an_old/
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What do you call a mechanical shovel?

Ground-breaking technology!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhzwo4/what_do_you_call_a_mechanical_shovel/
%
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?

They aren't allowed to travel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhztxj/why_cant_basketball_players_go_on_vacation/
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Knock knock

Whos there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Car go beep beep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhzjna/knock_knock/
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A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.

"All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, whats your talent?" asks the agent.
The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out."
"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.
"Listen, pal..." says the agent.
"Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "How does sandpaper feel?"
"Rough!" exclaims the dog.
"Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the agent.
"One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"
"Ruth!" barked the dog.
"Okay, that's it!" says the agent, and forces the man and the dog out the door.
Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says
"Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"
(With respect to the Looney Tunes Cartoon)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhzj7s/a_man_and_his_dog_walk_into_a_talent_agents_office/
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A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says,"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking,could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" was his response.
Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard.His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said, "What do I look like,Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on tv.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone!
Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't anymore leaks, and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."
"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.
"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him." she said.
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.
"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhziim/a_newlywed_couple_just_moved_into_their_new_house/
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What do you call a childish churro?

Immachurro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhzhuf/what_do_you_call_a_childish_churro/
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What's the worst hood to live in ?

Adulthood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhzfc2/whats_the_worst_hood_to_live_in/
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As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhzfa9/as_a_scarecrow_people_say_im_outstanding_in_my/
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An alcoholic law student walks into a bar. . .

He regretted not passing the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhzc9g/an_alcoholic_law_student_walks_into_a_bar/
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There are two types of people in the world

1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhzaga/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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I got sent to jail because I thought I was Jesus.

It was a for-prophet prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhz4in/i_got_sent_to_jail_because_i_thought_i_was_jesus/
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Some cool facts about the names of groups!

A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of nuns is called a gaggle.
A group of Catholic Priests is called a Cell Block.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhz3dy/some_cool_facts_about_the_names_of_groups/
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What do you mean you don't serve milk here?

What kind of a titty bar is this?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhyz8f/what_do_you_mean_you_dont_serve_milk_here/
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What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhyx8f/what_do_you_call_a_can_opener_that_doesnt_work/
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When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears

so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhytsp/when_i_was_young_i_used_to_think_earwigs_actually/
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I bet my friend I could build a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhyojy/i_bet_my_friend_i_could_build_a_car_out_of/
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I heard the guy with diarrhea is having a hard time.

I hope he gets his shit together soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhyn40/i_heard_the_guy_with_diarrhea_is_having_a_hard/
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Happy Chris Columbus Day! Say what you want about the guy but in reality....

We wouldn't have the first two Harry Potter movies without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhyfpx/happy_chris_columbus_day_say_what_you_want_about/
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There are 10 types of people in the world...

Those who understand binary,
Those who don't,
And those who realise this is a base 3 joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhyf6v/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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I'll tell you what I know about dwarves...

...very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhyb7x/ill_tell_you_what_i_know_about_dwarves/
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My wife doesn't like the term "handjob",

so, I just call it Mis-handling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhyayr/my_wife_doesnt_like_the_term_handjob/
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Guess how long it takes to jump off a tall building?

The rest of your life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhy7oh/guess_how_long_it_takes_to_jump_off_a_tall/
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I’m a big fan of Eye jokes,

The cornea the better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhy6qr/im_a_big_fan_of_eye_jokes/
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Bizarre Facts no One Knows

1. Most humans were born on their birthday
2. The distance from the Earth to the Sun is the same exact distance from the Sun to the Earth
3. A normal skeleton has enough bones to make an entire skeleton
4. If you took out all your veins and laid them out end to end, you would die.
5. The equator is long enough to wrap around the Earth one time.
6. If you gathered up all the human flesh currently existing on the Earth, you would be really fucked up.
7. If you stacked exactly 216 elephants on top of each other, they wouldn't like it
8. The entire Pacific ocean would fill at least 6 glasses of water
9. 100% of all people on Earth are on Earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhy2wg/bizarre_facts_no_one_knows/
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Columbus discovered the new world..

..much like a meteorite discovered the Dinosaurs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhxx1h/columbus_discovered_the_new_world/
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An ode to the Canadian Thanksgiving: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I will tell you tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhxr79/an_ode_to_the_canadian_thanksgiving_how_do_you/
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Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and it settles on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhxr78/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
%
There's only 10 types of people

Those who understand Binary and those who don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhxpxs/theres_only_10_types_of_people/
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If April Showers bring May Flowers what do May Flowers bring?

Genocide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhxnl5/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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My friend said he didn't understand cloning

I said that makes two of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhxm0y/my_friend_said_he_didnt_understand_cloning/
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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words

Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhxfa9/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
%
A weird plant knocked on my door, preaching at me to ditch my current moisturiser.

I slammed the door in its face. Damn jojoba’s witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhxda6/a_weird_plant_knocked_on_my_door_preaching_at_me/
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks are that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhxc4v/a_mafia_godfather_finds_out_that_his_bookkeeper/
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Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop

Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhx5b2/trump_and_obama_getting_haircut_is_same_barbershop/
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My sister was hired to sew 8 bridesmaids dresses by Saturday. . .

She seamstressed but she’ll get it done.  However, her skills are only sew sew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhx1cn/my_sister_was_hired_to_sew_8_bridesmaids_dresses/
%
Why is Santa's sack so full?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhx0g2/why_is_santas_sack_so_full/
%
Why is it dangerous to be in a car with a nun driving?

They’re not afraid to die and go to heaven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhwz9f/why_is_it_dangerous_to_be_in_a_car_with_a_nun/
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A 70 year old man enters a church and walks into the confessional booth

The windows slides open and the father lowly speaks.
Father: what brings you to confession my son?
Man: Well father I had sex with two beautiful 25 year old women at the same time despite being married 50 years.
Father: That is a terrible sin to have committed! Are you Catholic?
Man: No father.
Father: Are you Protestant?
Man: No Father.
Father: Do you believe in the Almighty?
Man: No father.
Father: Then why would you bother coming to tell me such a thing?!
Man: You kidding?! I'm telling everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhwys2/a_70_year_old_man_enters_a_church_and_walks_into/
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Silicon boobs are organic and 100% natural

Because Silicon is the most common element in the Earth's surface.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhwxi5/silicon_boobs_are_organic_and_100_natural/
%
I got the words "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhws26/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_confused/
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The Ginnie and the Politicians [LONG]

There are three politicians, the Chinese, the Russian and the American, they found a Ginnie and the Ginnie says, I can make 3 wishes, and you are three, so one whish for each one, they agree and the Chinese goes first,
Chinese: I want to make my country one of the richest, give me mountains of gold.
The Ginnie flips his fingers and the China becames rich with  mountains of gold.
Next it's the American,
American: I would like to build a giant wall, so tall, that even planes cannot cross over America, so no one can get in or out without my permission, so we will be safe from every one.
The Ginnie for one more time flips it's finger's and a giant wall appears around America, "done" says the Ginnie,
Last is the Russian, he goes to the Ginnie and says:
Russian: That wall is so tall that no one can get in or even out?
Ginnie: That's correct, no one can get in our out.
Russian: Nice, now fill it with water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhwlrd/the_ginnie_and_the_politicians_long/
%
Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:
"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for living?"
Gambler says "I am a professional gambler."
"A gambler?" said the IRS agent with slightly puzzled and surprised look on his face.
"Yes, I make my money by betting, would you like a demonstration?"
"Sure" said the IRS agent "let's have a demonstration"
"I will bet you $1,000; that I can bite my eye" said the gambler.
"OK, you have a bet" replied IRS agent with a smirk on his face. The gambler pops out his glass eye and bites it. IRS agent is shocked as he did not see that coming, and he did agree to a $1,000 bet in from of gamblers attorney.
"All right, all right, this was not really fair" said the gambler. "I will give you a chance to win your money back. I will bet you another $1,000 that I can bite my other eye."
IRS agent looks over the guys paperwork and see that he is not legally blind and takes the bet. The gambler takes out his dentures and bites his other eye. The IRS agent is now visibly stressed and sweating for being on the hook for $2,000.
"I tell you what. Double or nothing, I will stand on the edge of your desk, close my eyes and piss into the garbage can on the other side of the room without spilling a drop, what do you say?"
IRS agent is a little perplex, but does not see how that would be possible and takes the bet. The gambler stands on the agents desks, unzip his pants, closes his eyes and pisses all over the agents desk.
"YES!!!" exclaimed the IRS agent knowing he won the bet and does not own the gambler any money.
"Ahh, shiiiit" said the attorney.
"What's the matter?" asked the IRS agent.
"Well, he bet me $20,000 that he will come to your office today, piss all over your desk, and you would be happy about it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhw92h/gambler_gets_a_notice_from_irs_that_he_is_being/
%
What do Tony Stark and Samus Aran have in common?

Underneath the suit, they're both Fe male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhw82c/what_do_tony_stark_and_samus_aran_have_in_common/
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I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhw4hn/i_asked_a_pretty_young_homeless_woman_if_i_could/
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What do you get when you cross a social media site with a Chinese investor?

[redacted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhw0lt/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_social_media/
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A man took an airline company to court after they misplaced his luggage...

He lost his case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhvxsq/a_man_took_an_airline_company_to_court_after_they/
%
A guy sees a huge funeral procession in the center of town...

He sees a huge police escort, followed by 2 hearses, a man walking a  German Shepherd and 100 people waking single file behind this parade...
The procession stops for a minute and he goes up to the man and asks? What the hell is going on???
The man quietly answers...
My wife is in the first hearse, and my mother in law the next one...
Yep, me and my wife were having an argument and it got loud...
My dog is very protective, and in the middle of the argument jumped up and bit my wife on the neck, and tore her throat to shreds!
Omg says the guy...
Yep and then my mother in law ran in the room and saw the blood, and started screaming, and it probably frightened the dog, and he jumped up and ripped my mother in laws throat right out...
Oh my G.....
That’s terrible! Says the guy
‘But What I wouldn’t do to borrow that dog...
The man answers while pointing ...
Get in Line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhvud7/a_guy_sees_a_huge_funeral_procession_in_the/
%
What comes after death?

A necrophiliac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhvp6h/what_comes_after_death/
%
What do you call a Chinese revolution?

An up-rice-ing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhvoxb/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_revolution/
%
Bono & The Edge walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Oh no, not U2 again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhvlx1/bono_the_edge_walk_into_a_bar/
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What did one wall say to the other wall?

“Let’s, uh, meet in the corner”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhv8vc/what_did_one_wall_say_to_the_other_wall/
%
What do you call a band that has to make everything perfectly?

OCDC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhv6wg/what_do_you_call_a_band_that_has_to_make/
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I was so desperate for the toilet earlier while I was driving, that I pulled up to the side of the road for a piss.

Majorly annoyed my examiner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhv1vr/i_was_so_desperate_for_the_toilet_earlier_while_i/
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A man finds a magic lamp and out pops a genie...

“Oh wow says the man. Can you make me live forever? I don’t ever want to die.”
“Hmm that is against the rules but I’ll see what I can do”.
He snaps his fingers and a beautiful women appears.  The man is confused. “What is this? I asked for eternal life!”
“Well says the genie, I granted you a beautiful wife instead.”
“That is nice but how will that give me eternal life?”
“It won’t but give it time and you will be glad that I wasn’t able to give you eternal life”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhv0dm/a_man_finds_a_magic_lamp_and_out_pops_a_genie/
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My Mother Gave Birth to Me at a Very Young Age

I would've preferred to have been born at 18 instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhux31/my_mother_gave_birth_to_me_at_a_very_young_age/
%
What's the difference between having sex with a woman and a midget?

Half price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhuna3/whats_the_difference_between_having_sex_with_a/
%
I saw my old karate coach in his car yesterday

He drove a KIIIIAAA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhuhqh/i_saw_my_old_karate_coach_in_his_car_yesterday/
%
I used to cry during sex

but now pepper spray doesn't really effect me anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhuh2r/i_used_to_cry_during_sex/
%
I’m an expert on the Dunning-Kruger effect

I’m also an expert at computers, music, math, biology, and chemistry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhuc9b/im_an_expert_on_the_dunningkruger_effect/
%
Doctor: I have bad news and worse news

The bad news is you have 24 hours to live
Patient: and the worse news?
Doctor: I meant to tell you yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhu0cf/doctor_i_have_bad_news_and_worse_news/
%
My friends are calling me a cheapskate.

I’m not buying it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhtrsi/my_friends_are_calling_me_a_cheapskate/
%
"Say something wise and your name will live forever"

- Anonymous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhtjsg/say_something_wise_and_your_name_will_live_forever/
%
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhtev1/why_didnt_the_skeleton_cross_the_road/
%
A thief breaks into a house...

As he is looting the house, he realizes that the home owner returned, so he decided to hide.
As he is looking for a hiding spot he find four large metal containers with various things in them, he hides in the last one and waits for the owner to leave again.
As the owner returned he knows something is wrong and starts searching for anything suspicious.
As he’s passes the containers he decides to give each one of them a kick to find the thief.
He kicks the first container and hears the sounds of old rusty nails.
He kicks the second container and hears shards of broken glass.
He kicks the third container and hears a bunch of nuts rattling next to each other.
And he kicks the last container he doesn’t hear anything.
He gives it another kick and again nothing happens.
As he is about to deliver a third kick the thief screams out:
IM FLOUR, FLOUR DOESN’T  MAKE ANY NOISE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhtczf/a_thief_breaks_into_a_house/
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You know, my ex always told me to be more ambitious. But I'm not really that ambitious.

The night I met my ex, out of all the women in the bar, I approached her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dht4rs/you_know_my_ex_always_told_me_to_be_more/
%
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dht140/my_girlfriend_says_i_only_have_2_faults/
%
When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz...

"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny.
"What did you do during recess, Johnny?"  Asked the teacher.  Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy"  "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher.  Johnny spells it correctly and gets his cookie.
"And what did you do on recess, Suzy?"  Suzy replied that she played in the sandbox with Johnny and Leroy.  "Spell 'box' and you will get a cookie." Says the teacher.  Suzy correctly spelled box and got her cookie.
"Leroy, what did you do during recess?" The teacher asked.  He replied, with tears in his eyes "Well, I tried to play in the sandbox with Johnny and Suzy, but they just threw rocks at me and called me a N$%%ER!"
The teacher looked at Leroy and said "Well my goodness!  That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!"
"So, Leroy, spell 'blatant racial discrimination' and you'll get a cookie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dht0oe/when_the_kids_came_back_from_recess_the_teacher/
%
Just told off a bunch of fucking skinheads

They said to stop shouting in the cancer ward but I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhsz3m/just_told_off_a_bunch_of_fucking_skinheads/
%
I wish I was Tiger Woods...

18 holes a day, and he still finds the time for golfing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhsylm/i_wish_i_was_tiger_woods/
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What did the superhero buttcheek say to the other?

We can stop this shit together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhsybv/what_did_the_superhero_buttcheek_say_to_the_other/
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SAS

In ww2 the British were Recutting for the SAS that’s managed to cut it down to 3 people. They gave them each a gun and said go and shoot your wife.
The first man said “no I can’t do it” .
The second man went in and came straight back out.
And the third man shouted “FOR KING AND COUNTRY”
Ten minutes later he came back out covered in blood everyone was shocked
He said “the gun you gave me was full of blanks so I had to kill her with a chair”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhst4r/sas/
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Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhsqwe/why_was_darth_vader_referred_to_as_lord_vader/
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Bartender: no! We don't serve tachions here!

A tachions walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhsju3/bartender_no_we_dont_serve_tachions_here/
%
There were three old ladies sitting on a bench.

A man in a trenchcoat walked past and flashed them.
Two of them had a stroke, but one couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhsir4/there_were_three_old_ladies_sitting_on_a_bench/
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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhsifm/in_ancient_japan_failures_would_commit_ritual/
%
What does a Bird use to open a locked door

Crowbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhshyu/what_does_a_bird_use_to_open_a_locked_door/
%
A man goes to doctor

Man: Why did you take my kidney out?
Doctor: You had kidney stones
Man: Then why didn't you take the stones out instead?
Doctor: I can't sell the stones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhsfnj/a_man_goes_to_doctor/
%
I saw an ad for a coffin and I said to myself...

"That's the last thing I need."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhsblq/i_saw_an_ad_for_a_coffin_and_i_said_to_myself/
%
If someone ties their shoes in space...

Did they do an Astro-knot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhs9ya/if_someone_ties_their_shoes_in_space/
%
Two cannibals are eating a clown...

One says to the other, does this taste funny to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhs31j/two_cannibals_are_eating_a_clown/
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Someone once challenged me to tell a joke about beavers

I told them: Dam, I can’t .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhs1xu/someone_once_challenged_me_to_tell_a_joke_about/
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Why are Chinese kids so good at maths?

Because their dog doesn't eat their homework

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhryvg/why_are_chinese_kids_so_good_at_maths/
%
A man returns home to find his wife smiling mischievously.

Wife: "Honey, can you take something out of the oven for me please?"
The husband opens the oven and finds a baking tray with a piece of paper on it. The paper reads:
"What did the woman say when she got her pregnancy results?
You've got to be kid-in me!"
The husband looks up and smiles at his wife.
Husband: "It's a pun in the oven!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhrwjl/a_man_returns_home_to_find_his_wife_smiling/
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A mom and one of her three sons had a conversation when he suddenly asks: Mom why am I named feather?

Mom: Because when you were born a feather landed on your forehead.
Later that day the youngest child, butterfly asks the same question.
Mom why am I named butterfly
Their mom says: Because as I earlier told your brother a butterfly landed on you forehe...
As she's about to finish the sentence the middle child runs in the room and "saying":
Agagfag gt atfafftafh shhs
Their mom says:
Knock first brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhrupw/a_mom_and_one_of_her_three_sons_had_a/
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My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhrues/my_doctor_enquired_if_i_was_getting_enough/
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Did you hear about the orgy at the circus?

It was fucking in-tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhrsrp/did_you_hear_about_the_orgy_at_the_circus/
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July 2nd, 1776

South America : Hey USA, you free tomorrow night?
USA : ‘Fraid not mate, I can do the night after though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhrqp2/july_2nd_1776/
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Two wrongs don't make a right but,

Two Wright's make an airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhrql6/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right_but/
%
What is green and smells like pork

Kermit the Frogs fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhrfe6/what_is_green_and_smells_like_pork/
%
Why do dancers like loose fitting trousers?

They’re better for ball room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhrejb/why_do_dancers_like_loose_fitting_trousers/
%
A man walks into a bar

He died from his concussion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhrdwk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.
"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"
"Not really but the desire will "disappear"."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhrcmk/a_man_tells_a_rabbi_i_have_a_strong_desire_to/
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A store near me is offering a Columbus Day sale.

I'm going to walk in, take whatever I want, and kill anyone who tries to stop me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhr94n/a_store_near_me_is_offering_a_columbus_day_sale/
%
Most people are shocked when they find out

how bad an electrician I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhr6op/most_people_are_shocked_when_they_find_out/
%
Offensive jokes are not cool

I still rate them 9/11 even though they're gonna blew up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhr39r/offensive_jokes_are_not_cool/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates...

All the good ones are taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhr2az/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
All my friends keep going on and on about the benefits of solar energy, but honestly.....

I’m more of a fan of wind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhr0rp/all_my_friends_keep_going_on_and_on_about_the/
%
What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?

A depresso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhqzze/what_do_you_get_when_you_wake_up_on_a_workday_and/
%
I once got in a photo with R.E.M

Yeah, that's me in the corner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhqykg/i_once_got_in_a_photo_with_rem/
%
How can you make seven an even number?

By removing the "s"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhqptj/how_can_you_make_seven_an_even_number/
%
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhqn19/what_did_2_say_to_3_when_they_saw_6_acting_like/
%
We were built upside down.

Because our feet smell and our noses run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhqmup/we_were_built_upside_down/
%
Are you made of gallium and yttrium?

Because you’re GaY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhql8j/are_you_made_of_gallium_and_yttrium/
%
I'm sick of seeing movies that say they are set in the "Present Day."

Just call it Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhqi83/im_sick_of_seeing_movies_that_say_they_are_set_in/
%
A drunk driver drives into a parking lot

and then a lamp post, and another car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhqgaj/a_drunk_driver_drives_into_a_parking_lot/
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"Dad,why did you take my name off your will ?"

"when i asked you to graduate from college, you only said that a single piece of paper can't decide my fate".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhq7n5/dadwhy_did_you_take_my_name_off_your_will/
%
Why did the peanut go to the hospital?

He was assalted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhq1w3/why_did_the_peanut_go_to_the_hospital/
%
Husband: “Honey, want to do some rape role play tonight?”

Wife: **NO!!**
Husband *(unzips)* “That’s the spirit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhpz14/husband_honey_want_to_do_some_rape_role_play/
%
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhpsol/boy_kissing_girl_on_couch_you_wanna_take_this/
%
Little Timmy went to school for the first time.

At school, a kid told him that if he wanted to earn money from everybody around him, all he had to say was “I know the whole truth.”
Deciding to test this, when he returned home he told his mother,  “I know the whole truth.”
His mother immediately shoved ten dollars at him and said, “Don’t tell your father.”
He then went to his father and said, “I know the whole truth.”
His father shoved twenty dollars at him and said, “Don’t tell your mother.”
Thinking he was on a roll, the next day when he met the mailman he said, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman responded, “Then come over here and give your REAL dad a big hug!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhps8v/little_timmy_went_to_school_for_the_first_time/
%
Here's to incels...

for fucking nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhpibk/heres_to_incels/
%
A Hot blonde on a cruise ship...

Finds out her mother has fallen ill and is dying rapidly. The captain of the cruise ship walks by the hot blondes room as he over hears her sobbing. He asks "what's wrong ma'am?" she looks up with tears in her eyes and says my mother is dying and I have no way of contacting her out here on this ship! The captain looks at her and smiles and says "I think I have a way for you to contact her, but I need something from you first." She says, "Yes anything!"
The captain brings her to his cabin and has her get on her knees in front of him. He tells her OK unzip me and pull it out..  The hot blonde unzips the captains pants and pulls his cock out.. The hot blonde looks up at him confused... The captain says, "Go ahead" the blonde stairs right into the captains cock and says, "Hello mom are you there?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhpg21/a_hot_blonde_on_a_cruise_ship/
%
What do Kermit the frog and Henry the 8th have in common?

The same middle name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhpfaf/what_do_kermit_the_frog_and_henry_the_8th_have_in/
%
What do you call a Turkish cab driver?

An Ottoman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhpdxu/what_do_you_call_a_turkish_cab_driver/
%
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...

Does that mean that one enjoys it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhp9gu/if_4_out_of_5_people_suffer_from_diarrhea/
%
What is the favourite instrument of someone who never gets laid?

Incello.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhp3rb/what_is_the_favourite_instrument_of_someone_who/
%
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”
“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhowm9/trump_is_visiting_a_class_in_an_elementary_school/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are captured by an evil wizard

The wizard gives them three tasks, if they complete the tasks they are free.
1. Drink a gallon of beer
2. Go to a bear cave and punch the bear
3. Fuck a 100 year old nun
The Englishman goes first.
He starts drinking but soon he faints
The Scotsman drinks the beer and goes in the bear cave. He barely gets in there when a scream is heard and he comes out with his hand bitten off
The Irishman drinks the beer and goes to the bear cave. Horrible screeching and screaming noises come from the cave, 10 minutes pass and the Irishman comes out, zips his pants and asks: so where's the nun i have to punch?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhovxx/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are/
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If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?

European!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhov8m/if_youre_russian_when_you_go_to_the_bathroom_and/
%
It's hard to date vegan

She keeps eating those flowers that I bring to her...
:(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhoptz/its_hard_to_date_vegan/
%
When a mosquito lands on your balls,

is the moment when you realize violence is not the answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhon66/when_a_mosquito_lands_on_your_balls/
%
Why do they put fences around cemeterys?

Cause people are dying to get in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhohnu/why_do_they_put_fences_around_cemeterys/
%
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhoblb/a_doctor_accidentally_prescribes_his_patient_a/
%
I have friends

Hahahahhah get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhobbe/i_have_friends/
%
Me : Have you heard about whats happening in china

Friend: No
me: neither have they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dho9o2/me_have_you_heard_about_whats_happening_in_china/
%
Why do women/girls often go to the bathroom/restroom together?

Pee-er Pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dho8qy/why_do_womengirls_often_go_to_the/
%
I taught my wolf to meditate

He's aware wolf now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dho1u6/i_taught_my_wolf_to_meditate/
%
A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink...

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.
After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.
The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air.
His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.
The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"
The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."
The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"
The mouse replied, "Hey, between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run 10 miles!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dho0kb/a_mouse_was_sitting_in_a_bar_having_a_drink_when/
%
I found a perfect excuse to not go to the Halloween party

I'll simply dress up as my sex life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhnyg9/i_found_a_perfect_excuse_to_not_go_to_the/
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MBBS Professor: The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of. [nsfw]

A Girl raised her hand: "Then why doesn't it taste like Sugar?"
Whole class went silent.
Girl: “Oops”
Professor : “My dear, that might be because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your throat”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhnw0b/mbbs_professor_the_sperm_is_made_up_of_glucose/
%
Why can't you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhnvhd/why_cant_you_trust_an_atom/
%
How do you catch a cursor fish?

click bait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhnuhv/how_do_you_catch_a_cursor_fish/
%
I'm a Sikh and really tired of hearing "sikh" puns on any post related to Sikhs

I'm sikh of this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhnone/im_a_sikh_and_really_tired_of_hearing_sikh_puns/
%
I went to a whiskey tasting with my Father

When we got there the selection was huge.
There was Irish Whiskey, from Bushmills to Red Breast. There was Scottish Whisky from MacAllister and Glenlivet to Glenfiddich and Grouse.
When my father tasted one of the lesser known brands he announced to one and all that "It is like sex in a boat."
Many turned at this outburst, wondering what he could mean.
The Distiller appeared and queried his statment.
To whit my Father responded.
"Its fucking close to water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhnlq1/i_went_to_a_whiskey_tasting_with_my_father/
%
Yesterday, I got a facial cosmetic treatment in Boston.

It was more than a peeling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhngrw/yesterday_i_got_a_facial_cosmetic_treatment_in/
%
I'd choose a grapefruit over an orange any day.

It's more a-peelin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhnf9d/id_choose_a_grapefruit_over_an_orange_any_day/
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I once felt like I was a man felt trapped in a woman’s body....

And then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhn6ys/i_once_felt_like_i_was_a_man_felt_trapped_in_a/
%
I had a great joke about the Ozone Layer.

[depleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhn2k6/i_had_a_great_joke_about_the_ozone_layer/
%
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhn29o/if_you_masturbate_after_smoking_marijuana/
%
Why don't chickens wear pants?

Because their pecker is on their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhn0sd/why_dont_chickens_wear_pants/
%
I recently saw one of those animated pornos that basically makes fictional characters have sex.

This one was about a certain famous, big superhero guy in red with an 'i' on his shirt, I can't remember his name. Anyway, the film was surprisingly good and left me thinking, 'that's just fucking incredible'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhmzer/i_recently_saw_one_of_those_animated_pornos_that/
%
How do you tell the difference between a boy ghost and a girl ghost?

Their booooobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhmyba/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_boy/
%
I tried to console my friend who loved homophones

Their there they’re

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhmxqb/i_tried_to_console_my_friend_who_loved_homophones/
%
The nearby brothel now offers a flat rate.

They call it All You Can Eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhmsma/the_nearby_brothel_now_offers_a_flat_rate/
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A joke my Math teacher told me

He once asked a fifth grader "Paddy, can you use the word 'geometry' in a sentence?". So Paddy thought up with this answer.
"One day, I fell out of a tree and looked at myself realising i'm an acorn. I then got chucked around by some humans and shoved into the dirt. It then started to rain and I started to feel a little bigger. After a couple of months of growing, I looked at myself and thought hard and said 'Gee, I'm a tree'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhmqo0/a_joke_my_math_teacher_told_me/
%
What do you call a spoon with a giant pit?

A pot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhmpdt/what_do_you_call_a_spoon_with_a_giant_pit/
%
Doctor killed my Uncle

Myl classic
Juan : I hate doctors, a doctor killed my uncle in Madrid.
Brown: That’s sad. What happened?
Juan: He went to a clinic for a heart checkup, the doctor said he was fine. 5 minutes later, he died on the road.
Brown: Wow.Heart attack?
Juan: No. Motorcar.
Brown: The doctor isn’t responsible for that!
Juan: The doctor was driving the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhm9nf/doctor_killed_my_uncle/
%
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhm7gh/by_legalizing_cannabis_and_samesex_marriage_we/
%
Spoiler alert:

It makes the trunk of the car look better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhm6nf/spoiler_alert/
%
There are 3 people in a car

The American one said turn right,
The Soviet commie one said turn left,
The Chinese one said to signal left but then turn right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhm6dy/there_are_3_people_in_a_car/
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What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhm2q6/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
%
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhlsl7/whats_made_of_leather_and_sounds_like_a_sneeze/
%
What do you call an anti vax insect?

A Rolio Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhlphq/what_do_you_call_an_anti_vax_insect/
%
Mom, I'm dating a man.

\-Whom, sweetheart?
\-Dante  the mailman.
\-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!
\-But mom, age is just a number.
\-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhlms7/mom_im_dating_a_man/
%
[NSFW] I got my dick wet for the first time today

Just discovered these shower things...pretty cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhljhl/nsfw_i_got_my_dick_wet_for_the_first_time_today/
%
A woman goes to an artist to have her portrait painted

She tells the artist that she wants him to paint her wearing lots expensive jewelry. Diamonds, gold, pearls, Etc.
The artist says, "But you aren't wearing any."
She replies, "I know, I don't own any either. But if I die, my husband is the kind of man that will get remarried right away. I want to drive his new wife crazy looking for the jewels."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhlboq/a_woman_goes_to_an_artist_to_have_her_portrait/
%
When i was 7, they said my body was a temple

I guess thats why priest came into my body every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhkzfc/when_i_was_7_they_said_my_body_was_a_temple/
%
My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...

Then I saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhktez/my_girlfriend_kept_telling_me_she_was_going_to/
%
Ellen got a lot of backlash recently but honestly

Is anyone surprised that she likes Bush?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhkn9h/ellen_got_a_lot_of_backlash_recently_but_honestly/
%
If you have sex with the mother of your children, you’re a motherfucker...

If you have sex with the children of your mother you’re in Alabama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhkmx7/if_you_have_sex_with_the_mother_of_your_children/
%
Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.
"That's okay," the hitman says. "I only charge $500 a bullet."
"What if you miss?" Jim asks.
"I don't miss," the hitman says, stoically.
They agree to meet on the roof of a building across the street from the motel the wife and lover have been frequenting. The hitman looks through his scope, glances at the photo of the wife and the lover, and says, "Yup. They're in there alright."
"Alright," Jim says, excitedly. "I want you to shoot her in the face, and I want you to blow his goddamn dick off! That'll teach 'em." He hands the hitman $1000. "Here! Do it! Now!"
But no shot rings out.
"What are you waiting for!?" Jim says.
The hitman looks through his scope again. Then he mutters, "Hold on. Thirty more seconds, and I can save you five-hundred bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhkcmy/poor_old_jim_finds_out_his_wife_is_cheating_with/
%
Therapist: Your wife says

You never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhk7in/therapist_your_wife_says/
%
I think I speak for all people with Alzheimers when I say



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhjyqa/i_think_i_speak_for_all_people_with_alzheimers/
%
All my life I've wanted to learn how to juggle

I just never had the balls to do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhjxcv/all_my_life_ive_wanted_to_learn_how_to_juggle/
%
Why did the Norwegian Navy put bar-codes on all their ships?

So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhjvpw/why_did_the_norwegian_navy_put_barcodes_on_all/
%
How does a Mexican greet Zeus?

Jesus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhjt5f/how_does_a_mexican_greet_zeus/
%
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhjrpv/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies

Because you know what they say about old habits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhjp0u/bruce_willis_will_probably_keep_making_action/
%
A friend started telling me about his new found interest in backwards origami...

I'll let you know how it all unfolds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhjndr/a_friend_started_telling_me_about_his_new_found/
%
Why do catholic priests love Halloween?

Free delivery!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhjif2/why_do_catholic_priests_love_halloween/
%
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”

Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhjgkb/billy_turned_in_his_art_project_and_his_teacher/
%
Have you heard of the depressed plumber ?

Yeah. He's really been going through some shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhjfvu/have_you_heard_of_the_depressed_plumber/
%
Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhj2rs/never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
Donald Trump's marriage will be fine.

He only went through a Stormy patch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhj0hu/donald_trumps_marriage_will_be_fine/
%
All my jokes are greeted with an awkward silence.

You could hear a pun drop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhiz6u/all_my_jokes_are_greeted_with_an_awkward_silence/
%
Officer pulls a guy over and says to him, “Sir your eyes look a little glazed, have you been drinking?”

The guy responds, “Sir your eyes look a little glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhiz56/officer_pulls_a_guy_over_and_says_to_him_sir_your/
%
What do you call a bisexual who is single?

stand-bi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhiy2w/what_do_you_call_a_bisexual_who_is_single/
%
My school took my MP3 after I sung the song “Pumped Up Kicks” loudly in class.

When I brought my new MP4, they took it, and my friends laughed at me.
Today I brought my MP5 and everyone started screaming and some weird kids danced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhiqvf/my_school_took_my_mp3_after_i_sung_the_song/
%
Why don’t witches wear underwear?

To get a better grip on their broomsticks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhiphl/why_dont_witches_wear_underwear/
%
What is the difference between Spanish Inquisition and Jojo?

You should always expect a Jojo reference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhip19/what_is_the_difference_between_spanish/
%
I saw children fighting at a playground, and being an adult, I had to step in.

*Little bastards didn't stand a chance...*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhio24/i_saw_children_fighting_at_a_playground_and_being/
%
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"
And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.
"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"
And his dick deflated again.
"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"
But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"
But still nothing happened. So the guy now says," For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"
Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarrassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.
"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.
The guy says, "I'm giving' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhiinj/a_guy_who_was_in_the_air_force_had_just_spent_a/
%
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

Because he was faaaaar out maaaaaaan....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhigi5/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_rescue_the_hippie/
%
Why do pirates love Reddit so much?

Everything starts with “R” followed by a slash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhies4/why_do_pirates_love_reddit_so_much/
%
So some jerks cooked and ate an Ewok.

It was a little Chewy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhidwq/so_some_jerks_cooked_and_ate_an_ewok/
%
What word begins with "M", ends in "arriage" and it's a man favorite thing?

Miscarriage. This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhibu6/what_word_begins_with_m_ends_in_arriage_and_its_a/
%
Why do nurses use red pens?

In case they need to draw blood.
*courtesy of my fellow reposters*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhiarg/why_do_nurses_use_red_pens/
%
Why do you never see an Irish lawyer?

Because an Irishman will never pass the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhiaoj/why_do_you_never_see_an_irish_lawyer/
%
What do bartenders and barbers have in common?

We trust them with our glasses.
First time posting be nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhi8m6/what_do_bartenders_and_barbers_have_in_common/
%
How do you fix a broken jack-o'-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhi25d/how_do_you_fix_a_broken_jackolantern/
%
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine!"
He explains, "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhi0ta/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar_in_dublin_orders/
%
If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhi0kf/if_i_ripped_out_the_first_100_pages_of_my/
%
A group of retirees relax at the country club after a golf game.

The topic switches to their children's jobs.
The first guy starts: "My son is a car salesman. He sells the highest end brands to the wealthiest people. He's made so much money that he gave his friend a brand new Lamborghini, completely free!"
"Well, my son is a real estate agent, buying and selling houses and property. He's made so much money that he gave his friend a brand-new, fully-furnished suburban home, completely free!"
"My son is a stockbroker, buying and selling on the stock market. And he's made so much money that he gave his friend a complete stock portfolio worth hundreds of thousands, completely free!"
At this point, a friend of the group comes back from the bathroom.
"Hey, Joe, what does your son do for a living?"
"He's a stripper at a gay bar and a male prostitute."
This, naturally, leads to a lot of uncomfortable and awkward looks and noises from the other three.
"Yeah, I know, it sounds pretty bad, but he's making a killing. From his clients, he's gotten a Lamborghini, a new suburban house, and a complete stock portfolio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhi0hd/a_group_of_retirees_relax_at_the_country_club/
%
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhhtqv/i_lost_90_pounds_in_30_days_on_the_juice_diet/
%
Why should you never make a contract with a whale?

The whale will eventually breach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhhpqf/why_should_you_never_make_a_contract_with_a_whale/
%
You know what really makes my day...

The rotation of Earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhhlsg/you_know_what_really_makes_my_day/
%
Three graduates are stood in McDonalds.

The economics graduate asks how the business became so successful and made so much money?
The engineering graduate asks how the kitchens were built to maximise production efficiency.
The fine arts graduate asks, "Do you want fries with that?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhhlkc/three_graduates_are_stood_in_mcdonalds/
%
God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth….

...guess I’ll call it a day”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhhl68/god_whew_i_just_created_a_24hour_period_of/
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving...

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhh6we/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
I logged in today to see if my reply got deleted.

It's still hanging on by a thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhh2bm/i_logged_in_today_to_see_if_my_reply_got_deleted/
%
Did you hear about the remote-controlled weather machine China developed?

It takes full control of a blizzard's direction in just a few keystrokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhh1s0/did_you_hear_about_the_remotecontrolled_weather/
%
A Scottish man walks into a bar..

.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhh0ie/a_scottish_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do Christians hate butchers?

They don’t condone beating meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhgzmv/why_do_christians_hate_butchers/
%
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?

They don’t give shots to babies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhgw4n/what_do_antivax_moms_and_responsible_bartenders/
%
Why is my relationship NOT like math

Because I have no X and I know Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhgv0v/why_is_my_relationship_not_like_math/
%
*Cowboy walks into a saloon and approaches the biggest guy there*, “What’s yer name partner?” “My names Terry.” He replied. “Terry?! That’s a girls name!”

Poor Nameless Cowboy.
Died from dissin’ Terry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhgrdg/cowboy_walks_into_a_saloon_and_approaches_the/
%
When my cousin was just a few months old, we discovered that he had an irrational fear of hair.

He just absolutely hated it. After a few years though, it started to grow on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhgod6/when_my_cousin_was_just_a_few_months_old_we/
%
Why is it so hard to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhgkj3/why_is_it_so_hard_to_eat_a_clock/
%
Son: “Dad, what is transsexual?”

Dad: “Ask mom, he can tell you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhgdlu/son_dad_what_is_transsexual/
%
There once was a Roman named Vitus, he developed the first form of haircoloring. It was a sort of paste that changed his blonde hair to red. However, a side effect was incredibly bad breath.

This became known as the first confirmed case of Gingervitis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhgafk/there_once_was_a_roman_named_vitus_he_developed/
%
Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up”

Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhg6bj/me_it_doesnt_matter_how_many_times_you_fall_what/
%
What did sushi A say to sushi B?

Wassup B!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhg3we/what_did_sushi_a_say_to_sushi_b/
%
My twin sister just admitted she was having sex with our hot English teacher.

I don't know what's harder to accept, the fact that she is a lesbian or the fact that we are home-schooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhg1ci/my_twin_sister_just_admitted_she_was_having_sex/
%
I dressed up as the invisible man today to school.

Nobody noticed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhg1bh/i_dressed_up_as_the_invisible_man_today_to_school/
%
If you really think about it...

Kindergarten teachers love to spread communism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhfy3v/if_you_really_think_about_it/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot...

It got so bad that finally, I had to take his bike away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhfpc2/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
Two jokes from the USSR

1. A guy walks in the phone booth and makes a call:
- Is this anonymic phone of KGB?
- Yes, comrade Piotr Trasevich, who lives in the hpuse no5 of Nevski avenue in St. Petersburg, has a wife, two kids, orange car and love affair, this is anonymic phone of KGB.
2. KGB agent brings a suspect to his boss and states:
- His ideas are dangerous!
- What did he say? - the boss asked.
- Nothing, I arrested him in advance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhflez/two_jokes_from_the_ussr/
%
I call my horse Mayo and sometimes...

Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhfjzj/i_call_my_horse_mayo_and_sometimes/
%
A girl promised to have sex with me if I would advertise bathroom cleaner on r/jokes

I refused of course because my moral principles are extremely strong.
Just as strong as new Cif multi-action cleaner in the 750ml spray bottle, now available in Original, Lemon Fresh or Forest Pine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhfg4m/a_girl_promised_to_have_sex_with_me_if_i_would/
%
People living with HIV, what is your daily life like?

I’m guessing pretty positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhfexg/people_living_with_hiv_what_is_your_daily_life/
%
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by.

“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.
"Mary, you take the offices in the Center.
"Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.
"To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown."
The nurse was really impressed. She said, "Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you."
And the wife responded, "What property? ... the schmuck had a paper route!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhfely/an_elderly_gentleman_was_on_his_deathbed_as_his/
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A family with three brothers...

So, feather asked his mom:
“Mom, why is my name Feather”
“Because when you were born, I was holding you on my lap and a feather fell in your forehead!” Answered the mom.
A few days later, Drop asked his mom:
“Why is my name Drop, mom?”
“Because when you were born, I was holding you on my lap and a water drop fell in your forehead!” Answered the mom.
A few days later, Brick asked his mom:
“ALHEAISHWIWHHRUREHJWJWJQIWJWIWKQHQUQHQHQHQUJWPEJEIWKWNEIKWKJW?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhf68q/a_family_with_three_brothers/
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Why do Jehovah Witness’s hate Halloween?

They don’t like random people knocking on their door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhf1sn/why_do_jehovah_witnesss_hate_halloween/
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Wife to Husband on his birthday: You can have sex for 1 hour, the way you want it...

Excited Husband jumps, hugs her, kisses her & runs out saying: I promise I will be back in 1 hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhewta/wife_to_husband_on_his_birthday_you_can_have_sex/
%
“That knife-throwing act was terrible. I want my money back!”

“What was wrong with it?”
“You call that marksmanship? He got 10 tries and didn’t even hit that girl once!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhern0/that_knifethrowing_act_was_terrible_i_want_my/
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Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dher31/steve_jobs_would_have_made_a_better_president/
%
A man sees a little boy sitting on the curb

He watches him as he takes a M&M, pops it in his mouth and swallows it, picks up his kitten and bites it. Stands up walks 10 feet down the street, sits down, pops a M&M, bites the cat and moves another 10 feet. The man watches him for a bit as he repeats this over and over. Finally the man walks up and asks him what he is doing. "Playing truck driver" says the boy. "Truck driver?!?!" " Yep, I'm poppin pills, eating pussy, and moving down the road!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dheg89/a_man_sees_a_little_boy_sitting_on_the_curb/
%
I don’t identify as either gay or straight. Sexually I identify as vacuum cleaner.

I suck everything when you turn me on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dheert/i_dont_identify_as_either_gay_or_straight/
%
A man walks into a Blockbuster somewhere in the midwest.

“Hello sir I would like to rent Batman Forever”
“Impossible sir you have to return it on Monday”
“What about The Day After Tomorrow?”
“That’s Sunday sir”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dheeju/a_man_walks_into_a_blockbuster_somewhere_in_the/
%
I met a homeless duck on the way to work yesterday. We got talking and I asked him how he ended up on the streets...

He said it was because of his nasty quack habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dheap6/i_met_a_homeless_duck_on_the_way_to_work/
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What do you see when Pillsbury boy bends over ?

Doughnuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhean1/what_do_you_see_when_pillsbury_boy_bends_over/
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Two guys are talking about being optimistic.

One guy says, "Hey, sometimes there are situations where you just can't be optimistic, right?" The other guy responds, "Nah, you always have to look at the bright side. Just last week, I was with a prostitute, and she died right there in the middle of it." The first guy sputters, "What? Where's the good in that?!" The second guy replies, "Well, the second hour was free."
(this was loosely translated from Russian, sorry for any mistakes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhe4f9/two_guys_are_talking_about_being_optimistic/
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A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it.  He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.
The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.
The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"
The comedian replied, "No, I ran over a skunk a few miles back."
The officer gave him a good look over and asked, "Why are your eyes red?"
The comedian sniffled and said, "It was a baby skunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhdzc5/a_comedians_fan_offered_him_a_joint/
%
Im dating a girl in my class.

I think her dad caught on during parent teacher conferences...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhdte2/im_dating_a_girl_in_my_class/
%
Mulla's Marriage

Mulla Nasrudin was round at his fiancee's home, having a serious talk with her father.
"Sir, I'd like to marry your daughter," he announced .
His girl's father looked at him.
"Have you seen my wife yet?" he asked.
"OH, YES SIR," replied Nasrudin. "BUT IF YOU DON'T MIND, I WOULD STILL PREFER YOUR DAUGHTER, SIR."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhdrzg/mullas_marriage/
%
What sound does a Swedish goose make?

HJONK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhdonu/what_sound_does_a_swedish_goose_make/
%
My wife kick me out from the house because of obsession with acting like a news anchor!!!!!

More on that after the break!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhdle4/my_wife_kick_me_out_from_the_house_because_of/
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As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. .

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhdkaz/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
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One man's trash is another Man's treasure?

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhdiok/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
I was hoping to make a joke about lootboxes

But I decided against it, because very few people would get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhdgv7/i_was_hoping_to_make_a_joke_about_lootboxes/
%
What do you call a Muslim person standing between two buildings?

Muhammad Alley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhdf5z/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_person_standing_between/
%
The "EA" in TEA is silent.

Because you need to pay to unlock it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhde69/the_ea_in_tea_is_silent/
%
What's the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear.  The other is a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhdb70/whats_the_difference_between_a_used_tire_and_365/
%
Where does a dog scientist work?

In a labradoratory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhd97r/where_does_a_dog_scientist_work/
%
What is the longest sentence in the English language?

Life imprisonment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhd8sa/what_is_the_longest_sentence_in_the_english/
%
It’s pretty difficult to make jokes about death sentences.

The execution must be flawless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhd7yo/its_pretty_difficult_to_make_jokes_about_death/
%
An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $30." "
Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman slightly annoyed gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhd1zb/an_attractive_man_and_a_blonde_meet_in_an_elevator/
%
Why doesn't anyone know about Napoleon's siblings?

Because they were Born apart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhcyj9/why_doesnt_anyone_know_about_napoleons_siblings/
%
What's the common point between jews and shoes ?

Its easier to find in 39 than in 45
Edit : Thanks for the gold king stranger ! That was a joke. sorry if i offended anyone, just wanted to make people laugh, have a good day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhcwn4/whats_the_common_point_between_jews_and_shoes/
%
I had a dream that I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhcl0w/i_had_a_dream_that_i_was_a_muffler/
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A Pondering thought on Shrek

Do you think Shrek ever told fiona that he was head ogre heels for her?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhcktn/a_pondering_thought_on_shrek/
%
I can count on one hand how many times I've been to Chernobyl...

27 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhcdg9/i_can_count_on_one_hand_how_many_times_ive_been/
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#299: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis get together at a bar and have drinks.

After catching up, Stallone says, "I think we should make a movie with all of us."
Bruce Willis says, "That's a great idea, but I'm tired of action movies. How about we make a movie about classical composers?"
Stallone says, "I like that idea, Bruce. I can be Mozart and you can be Beethoven." They turn to Schwarzenegger and ask.
"So, Arnold, and who will you be?"
"I'll be Bach" says Schwarzenegger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhc8dl/299_sylvester_stallone_arnold_schwarzenegger_and/
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I got a Bonnie Tyler GPS

It's rubbish.
It keeps telling me to turn around.
And every now and then it falls apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhc13h/i_got_a_bonnie_tyler_gps/
%
A good pun...

Is it’s own reword

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhbycr/a_good_pun/
%
My dad wanted to learn more about Korean culture.

K, pop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhbtfs/my_dad_wanted_to_learn_more_about_korean_culture/
%
Wanna know how I escaped from Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhbpdb/wanna_know_how_i_escaped_from_iraq/
%
Blonde at the Dry Cleaners

A blonde goes to the dry cleaner to have her sweater cleaned.
She asks the clerk, “How much?”
He doesn’t hear her and says, “Come again?”
She giggles and says, “No…it’s just mustard this time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhb9rj/blonde_at_the_dry_cleaners/
%
Have u heard of the band 999mb?

No? Well it's probably cause they haven't had a gig yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhb7fi/have_u_heard_of_the_band_999mb/
%
The blood test results said I have type A blood

But apparently it was a type O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhb5l1/the_blood_test_results_said_i_have_type_a_blood/
%
What do you do when someone close to you dies?

Move seats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhb2du/what_do_you_do_when_someone_close_to_you_dies/
%
Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhb1hf/student_are_well_and_actually_both_one_syllable/
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When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...

...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a policeman asking me questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhb0ed/when_i_go_to_donate_blood_i_expect_a_cup_of_tea_a/
%
What kind of a coat does a house wear?

A coat of paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhazj5/what_kind_of_a_coat_does_a_house_wear/
%
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhauik/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_check/
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The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard just shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

Never let your guard down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhal9y/the_prisoner_pleaded_im_sorry_i_tried_to_escape/
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This is my impression of a black father

[Idk what you were expecting, there is nothing here]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhag8s/this_is_my_impression_of_a_black_father/
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What do you call it when your girlfriend has a back ache?

Sorbet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhag28/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_girlfriend_has_a/
%
What do you call a South Korean couple?

Seoul mates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhafgn/what_do_you_call_a_south_korean_couple/
%
When my grandfather died we decided to scatter his remains at sea.

Everyone at the beach started freaking out cause we didn't cremate him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhafbk/when_my_grandfather_died_we_decided_to_scatter/
%
What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dhae1q/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
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Me: I'm so fat I can't even see my dick

Gf: Then I must be fat too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dha9l0/me_im_so_fat_i_cant_even_see_my_dick/
%
A monkey walks into a bar and ask the bartender for bananas...

“DO YOU HAVE BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey.
“No... we don’t...?” answer the bartender, confused.
“DO YOU BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey once again
“No. We don’t. I told you that”
“DOOO YOOOU HAVE BANANAAAS ?!?!?!” ask the monkey again.
Upset, the bartender answer “NO. WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. BANANAS. Ask ONE MORE TIME and I will NAIL your tongue to the bar!”
Scared and sad, the monkey goes to a nearby table and wait a few minutes.
Then, he looks at the bartender, “Do you have nails...?”
“Hmm, no...”
“THEN DO YOU HAVE BANANAS?!?!?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dha6x8/a_monkey_walks_into_a_bar_and_ask_the_bartender/
%
Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where's my present?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dha687/me_im_not_saying_a_word_without_my_lawyer_present/
%
What do you call a chihuahua that plays heavy bass music?

A sub woofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh9we1/what_do_you_call_a_chihuahua_that_plays_heavy/
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Did you hear about the girl who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time?

She became a little spore addict.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh9q3f/did_you_hear_about_the_girl_who_went_crazy_from/
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Why is Blizzard so quick to resort to censorship?

Because they're nothing more than a bunch of snowflakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh9o4u/why_is_blizzard_so_quick_to_resort_to_censorship/
%
I posted a really good time travel joke next week.

It blew up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh9m8t/i_posted_a_really_good_time_travel_joke_next_week/
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What is the average temperature in China?

451° F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh9j3d/what_is_the_average_temperature_in_china/
%
A very smooth talking cow

Grazed in a pasture near the chicken coop.  The most delicious plants, the spearmint leaves, sat at the edge of the fence where the chickens perched.  Whenever the cow would come by she'd eat the leaves, and then smooth talk the chickens with her minty fresh breath.  The chickens would eventually get so flustered they'd lay their eggs right then and there and the cow would have a cheeky laugh about it.
General Rooster, the leader of the hens, brought them together one night to hear his clever plan.  Each one would take a white stone the size of an egg and hide it under their feathers.  The cow would come and smooth talk them to have a laugh, but the chickens would drop the stone instead of an egg.
The next day they put the plan into action with great success.  That evening when General Rooster examined the nests he was relieved to see they finally had eggs.  When he got to absentminded Abigail though, he was shocked to see that she had the stone in her nest instead!
"Abigail!" he began.  "If your stone is here that means...
The real yolk is in the cow mints!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh98nq/a_very_smooth_talking_cow/
%
Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh98d7/last_night_i_played_a_blank_cassette_tape_at_full/
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Doors are really easy to understand

You always get a handle on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh972y/doors_are_really_easy_to_understand/
%
(NSFW) I was having mind blowing sex last night with this German girl.

It was incredible, my only concern was she kept screaming her age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh95yj/nsfw_i_was_having_mind_blowing_sex_last_night/
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The Blarney Stone

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh92gp/the_blarney_stone/
%
What do call a classy fish?

Sofishticated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh8ymg/what_do_call_a_classy_fish/
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As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh8vwn/as_we_were_driving_down_the_road_sweet_caroline/
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My wife told me today that some days, i can be a total bastard

I've chosen mondays and wednesdays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh8rnn/my_wife_told_me_today_that_some_days_i_can_be_a/
%
Never give up on you dreams

Keep sleeping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh8htb/never_give_up_on_you_dreams/
%
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.

He never found what he was looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh8bsr/i_saw_a_man_with_one_arm_shopping_at_a_second/
%
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh84t8/my_best_friend_passed_away_recently_and_grieving/
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Being homophobic is gay

Because all you do is think about what other guys do with their dicks and that sounds pretty gay to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh83hv/being_homophobic_is_gay/
%
A seal goes into a bar...

The bartender says,"What'll it be Mr. Seal?"
The seal replies,"Anything but a Canadian Club."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh7v8l/a_seal_goes_into_a_bar/
%
I thought my new girlfriend might be "the one" until I looked in her closet

There was a nurse's uniform, a French maid's uniform and a policewoman's uniform. That killed it.
If she can't commit to one job, she's too flighty for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh7tfh/i_thought_my_new_girlfriend_might_be_the_one/
%
Two blondes were standing on opposite sides of the river.

The first blond yells,"Can you tell me how to get to the other side of the river?"
The other blond yells,"Hello, you are on the other side of the river."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh7oaa/two_blondes_were_standing_on_opposite_sides_of/
%
A blond was speeding through town in a brand new Corvette...

She gets pulled over by a cop who is also a blond. The cop says," I'm going to need to see your driver's license."
The blond driver asks,"What does it look like?"
"Well, it's rectangular and has a picture of you on it"the cop replies.
She grabs the vanity mirror and hands it to the cop and says,"Is this it?"
She takes one look at it and returns it to her saying,"Ok. I'm going to let you go this time. I didn't know you was a cop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh7n8h/a_blond_was_speeding_through_town_in_a_brand_new/
%
I found a pun that works in both Spanish and English!

Where do cats go when they die? **Purr**gatory.
¿De dónde van los gatos cuando mueren? Pur**gato**rio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh7jjq/i_found_a_pun_that_works_in_both_spanish_and/
%
I’ve decided I’ve been doing enough sitting around lately

It’s time for me to stand around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh7j9d/ive_decided_ive_been_doing_enough_sitting_around/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh7h9x/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and... cola."

"Why the big pause?" Asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. "Im not sure; I was born with them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh79gt/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_give_me_a/
%
Everyone thinks that Canadians hate Trump

It's Trudeau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh76vf/everyone_thinks_that_canadians_hate_trump/
%
I make wooden figurines for a living, which has proved to be a very good business.

I get a lot of requests to make animals, as they can be used to decorate at all times of the year. I’ve recently been working on a variety of birds for the spring season, because it’s never too early to start working ahead.
I often make a few mistakes when making animals because of the long hours I work. Instead of throwing them out, I keep them and sell them for half price. I like to put the imperfect animals up on a handmade stand that looks like their natural habitat, so I put the imperfect bird figurines on a bush. I put the best birds on stands that look like hands to show that they are hand-made and hand-picked.
When people enter the store, I make sure to tell them that “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh6qzs/i_make_wooden_figurines_for_a_living_which_has/
%
I hate having sex while camping

It’s fucking in-tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh6k7e/i_hate_having_sex_while_camping/
%
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.

The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh6jt6/i_just_watched_a_movie_about_graphs_and_it_was/
%
My brother tried to argue that earthquakes are much worse than volcanoes because volcanoes are cool.

I shook my head and told him his argument is on shaky ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh6j30/my_brother_tried_to_argue_that_earthquakes_are/
%
How does sandpaper overcome any challenge

Through sheer grit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh60du/how_does_sandpaper_overcome_any_challenge/
%
What do you call a horse who lives nearby?

A neeeiiiiiiiggghhhhhbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh5ius/what_do_you_call_a_horse_who_lives_nearby/
%
If a baby refuses to go to sleep,

is he resisting arrest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh5h73/if_a_baby_refuses_to_go_to_sleep/
%
Wanna hear a joke about the SCP foundation?

[redacted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh5ell/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_the_scp_foundation/
%
Man and a woman on the beach [maybe NSFW]

There is the man walking down a stretch of beach, then suddenly he hears this loud crying.
He checks it out and sees this girl with no arms and no legs on the sand. The man then asks her why she is crying and she then says: "Because I've had no arms and no legs for so long, I've never been hugged"
The man then looks around and hugs the lady.  He walks away and then he starts to hear even louder crying. He goes back to the girl and asks whats wrong.
The girl says: "Because I've had no arms and no legs for so long, I've never been kissed". The man, after hearing this, looks around and then promptly kisses the girl.
He walks off only to hear even louder crying and goes back to the girl to see what's wrong this time.
The girl says: "Because I've had no arms and no legs for so long, I've never been fucked"
The man looks around, sees that nobody is on the beach with them. Picks her up, and throws her in the ocean.
"Now you're fucked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh58eu/man_and_a_woman_on_the_beach_maybe_nsfw/
%
Three men on an island

Three men get stranded on a deserted island. They get captured by a local tribe and they get told that if they want to escape, they need to go out and get ten of the same fruit. So all three of them go and get their fruit.
The first guy comes back with ten apples and the tribe tells him that if he wants to live, then he needs to fit all the apples in his ass otherwise they’ll kill him. He manages three in but then he just gives up, so they kill him.
Then the second guy comes along with ten grapes, so the tribe tells him the same thing. After about 8 grapes in, he just bursts out laughing hysterically, so the tribe kills him.
Up in heaven, the first guy asks,
“Dude how come you started laughing? You had that easy!”
The second guy replies, “Because I saw the third guy coming with ten pineapples”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh521u/three_men_on_an_island/
%
What's the saddest type of fish and chips?

a battered sole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh4u6o/whats_the_saddest_type_of_fish_and_chips/
%
When I called those two party girls hipsters the other day, they got pretty mad at me.

Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh4m6g/when_i_called_those_two_party_girls_hipsters_the/
%
If I had a nickle for every time I told a racist joke...

Some black guy would probably steal it all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh4ihh/if_i_had_a_nickle_for_every_time_i_told_a_racist/
%
Banned

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD-40.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh4h50/banned/
%
People who can't tell the difference between etymology and entomology

bug me in ways I can't put into words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh4gez/people_who_cant_tell_the_difference_between/
%
When Beethoven passed away...

...He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eight Symphony, and it's backwards too! Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... The Sixth... The Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery:
"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh4fxj/when_beethoven_passed_away/
%
Whats the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter f.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh4ac9/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
My son dropped out of school to build houses for horses

I can't complain though, it's a real stable job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh45bn/my_son_dropped_out_of_school_to_build_houses_for/
%
Father says to son: “Son, if you keep masturbating you’ll go blind.”

“Dad, I’m over here. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh4485/father_says_to_son_son_if_you_keep_masturbating/
%
Life is like toilet paper.....

Your either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh3zhr/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
%
Why does Beyonce' not wear a push up bra?

She already has the biggest hits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh3wii/why_does_beyonce_not_wear_a_push_up_bra/
%
My local barber got arrested for drugs.

I've been going to him for years. I never knew he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh3w71/my_local_barber_got_arrested_for_drugs/
%
3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.

3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough.
The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be extra careful to not step on a duck.
The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and POOF! She's suddenly handcuffed to an even UGLIER guy! The last woman made VERY sure not to step on a duck.
And she never did. Until one day, POOF! She was suddenly handcuffed to a gorgeous man. She asked him, "What did I ever do to be handcuffed to you?" He looked at her and said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh3s4n/3_women_die_and_go_to_heaven_the_only_rule_do_not/
%
How do you spell "buttcheeks"?

Is it one word or do you spread them apart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh3r9e/how_do_you_spell_buttcheeks/
%
HOW DO YOU CALL A MEXICAN GUY WHO LOST HIS CAR

Carloss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh3r41/how_do_you_call_a_mexican_guy_who_lost_his_car/
%
How do you sink a submarine full of blonds?

Knock on the hatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh3oyp/how_do_you_sink_a_submarine_full_of_blonds/
%
He who laughs last...

Thinks slowest...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh3luo/he_who_laughs_last/
%
Why is every gender equality officer a woman?

Because it's cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh3hb1/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_a_woman/
%
Why did the Alabama strip club close?

They lost too much money from the family discount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh3dqk/why_did_the_alabama_strip_club_close/
%
Do y’all wanna hear a joke about China?

[censored]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh3bht/do_yall_wanna_hear_a_joke_about_china/
%
She said "choke me daddy!"

So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh340t/she_said_choke_me_daddy/
%
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh33bj/my_girlfriend_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the/
%
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.
Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh330t/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
%
My sewing instructor thinks that I’m the worst student that she has ever seen.

Shit...wrong thread!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh2ydl/my_sewing_instructor_thinks_that_im_the_worst/
%
Your face is like the sun

It burns my eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh2u4r/your_face_is_like_the_sun/
%
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.

I’ll let you know when either arrive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh29el/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_on_amazon/
%
What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh25rl/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
%
What do zombie vegans eat?

Grrrraaaaaaiiiinsssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh20zb/what_do_zombie_vegans_eat/
%
I asked my Chinese friend what living in China is like.

He said he can’t complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh1zw4/i_asked_my_chinese_friend_what_living_in_china_is/
%
What do you call a relaxed communist?

A calmrade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh1wz7/what_do_you_call_a_relaxed_communist/
%
Just asked my friend what it's like living in China

He said, "Can't Complain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh1w6e/just_asked_my_friend_what_its_like_living_in_china/
%
To whoever stole my antidepressants...

I hope you're happy now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh1tje/to_whoever_stole_my_antidepressants/
%
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh1spf/a_sperm_donor_a_carpenter_and_julius_ceasar_walk/
%
Me: I'm terrified of random letters

**Therapist:** You are?
**Me:** *SCREAMS*
**Therapist:** Oh! I see
**Me:** *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh1ryq/me_im_terrified_of_random_letters/
%
I read that smoking kills

So I decided to quit reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh1ru5/i_read_that_smoking_kills/
%
A man joins an atheist club at his school and at the first meeting says "Hello, I'm Christian" and the leader of the club kicks him out.

It's difficult being an atheist named Christian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh1p66/a_man_joins_an_atheist_club_at_his_school_and_at/
%
I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins…

…because they've been breaking camels' backs for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh1mf4/i_find_it_strange_how_everyone_suddenly_cares/
%
I taught my brother how to make his own cheese and now he can't stop!

I created a muenster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh1knq/i_taught_my_brother_how_to_make_his_own_cheese/
%
Donate a kidney and you're a "Hero"

Donate six and you're "Under Arrest"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh19lg/donate_a_kidney_and_youre_a_hero/
%
Jesus likes to drink wine.

As we all know, Jesus liked to drink wine. One day, however, he got tired of wine. He said unto John and Thomas, "Go, and fetch me some ingredients so that I may create another kind of drink." And so they went to the market, and John asked Thomas "So, what should we get Him?" Thomas responds, "The rice, for Christ's sake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh14ta/jesus_likes_to_drink_wine/
%
The country of Turkey is a lot like Little Miss Moffett...

They both have Kurds in their way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh10jm/the_country_of_turkey_is_a_lot_like_little_miss/
%
My Grandmother died of an Ecstasy overdose.

She must be rolling in her grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh0w8z/my_grandmother_died_of_an_ecstasy_overdose/
%
Shout out to my grandpa

It's the only way he can hear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh0ukf/shout_out_to_my_grandpa/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but I don’t know how they got in there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh0s1n/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.
He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination.
Upon arrival at the clinic he was shown into a simple room with white walls and ceiling. He put on the hospital gown and waited for the surgeon.
After some time he began to hear screaming.  Blood curdling screaming, but he stayed put. Finally the door opened and in walked a little doctor followed by a nurse.
The surgeon motioned for Saul to sit and began to pick individual eyes from the bloodied container the nurse carried. One by one he carefully held them up in front of Saul's eyes and muttered.
"Too big", the nurse translated, "too small, too round, too damaged". This continued as he tried every eye.
With a frustrated gesture he then marched out of the room with the nurse in tow.
Some time passed and after more blood curdling screams he returned with a fresh container.  The routine continued with more frustration and more repetitions of "too long, too small..".
This second visit turned into three and four then five. Finally the surgeon slapped his knee and stared at the nurse. "Wan!", he announced " Wan!".
5 minutes pass with more screams and he returns this time with just two eyes. "Ah!" he announces as he holds them to Saul's face with a grin.
Two injections and an unknown time later Saul awakens and the first thing he sees, clearly, was the smiling nurse.
"It was a success?" he asks nervously.
"Of course", she replies, "Wan's eyes fits Saul".
(Original)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh0ojp/after_years_of_saving_saul_finally_had_enough/
%
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh0l1s/i_was_sitting_on_the_train_this_morning_opposite/
%
What song would like to listen to?

- Mozart in A Minor
- you're gonna have to be more specific
- Mozart in *D* minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh0ifa/what_song_would_like_to_listen_to/
%
Why didn’t I buy a mustang?

I couldn’t a Ford it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh0eap/why_didnt_i_buy_a_mustang/
%
I walked into the hotel when a chandelier feel on me...

I was taken to the hospital with light injuries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh0bs7/i_walked_into_the_hotel_when_a_chandelier_feel_on/
%
Never challenge death to a pillow fight

unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh0a6p/never_challenge_death_to_a_pillow_fight/
%
A vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk "I hope the porn channel is my room is disabled?"

She says "No sir, it's just regular porn. You sick bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dh04ca/a_vicar_books_into_a_hotel_and_says_to_the_hotel/
%
I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.

but none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgzu96/i_know_alot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
What is the definition of the jewish dilemma?

Free pork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgztbk/what_is_the_definition_of_the_jewish_dilemma/
%
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody sees it

Then my illegal logging business is going great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgzq4d/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_woods_and_nobody_sees_it/
%
A man walks into a bar

and he walks up to the bartender. While he’s ordering his drink, he notices on the counter a tiny man playing a tiny piano right next to a genie lamp.
The bartender says “Ah. I see you’ve noticed I have a genie... but the genie has a hearing problem.”
The man asks the bartender “Would it be okay if I made a wish?”
“Go right ahead!”
So the man says “I wish I had a million bucks!”
And POOF! A million ducks filled the bar fluttering and quacking everywhere.
The man asks the bartender “Why didn’t the genie give me what I asked for?”
The bartender replied “Remember, I told you he has a hearing problem. Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgzo0e/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do Millenials and Christmas Trees have in common?

They used to thrive, but now they're dead inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgzn26/what_do_millenials_and_christmas_trees_have_in/
%
Wife: “We must go home, I left the stove on”

Husband: “Don’t worry, I left the tap running”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgzj1j/wife_we_must_go_home_i_left_the_stove_on/
%
Why can't Helen Keller drive?

B̶e̶c̶a̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶s̶h̶e̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶w̶o̶m̶a̶n̶.̶
Because she is dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgzitv/why_cant_helen_keller_drive/
%
How many lives does a dead German cat have?

Nein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgzg25/how_many_lives_does_a_dead_german_cat_have/
%
The eleventh pun will always get a laugh

Even if no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgzer8/the_eleventh_pun_will_always_get_a_laugh/
%
A guy walks into a coffee shop

He goes the counter and asks, “So what’s the special?”
The barista shakes her head, “I can’t tell you, it’s a secret.”
The man frowns. “What do you mean it’s a secret? What’s the special today? Is it a latte?”
The barista shakes her head.
“A mocha?”
She shakes her head again.
“Oh, come on! Tell me! A cappuccino?”
She shakes her head.
“An affogato?”
She shakes her head.
The man is getting frustrated at this point. “Can you at least give me a clue!?”
The barista thinks for a moment, then points at a jar on the counter. “Ok, the special is in this jar.”
“What is it?”
“I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”
The man, enraged at this point, tries to grab the jar. The barista grabs it too.
They fight for control, and the man wretches it away only for the jar to fall on the ground and its contents spill out onto the floor.
The man stares, “It’s just been normal coffee this whole time?!”
The barista shrugs, “I guess you spilled the beans.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgzdoa/a_guy_walks_into_a_coffee_shop/
%
Why Germans are so good at car engine manufacturing?

Because they have a lot of experience on combustion chambers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgzcsc/why_germans_are_so_good_at_car_engine/
%
Why do people wear camouflage?

I don't know I've never seen one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgzcpg/why_do_people_wear_camouflage/
%
Me: unzips*

Also me: clicks on file

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgz7an/me_unzips/
%
How does ramen flirt?

They send noods.
Seen at a local restaurant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgz13a/how_does_ramen_flirt/
%
Doctors are pretty good artists.

They are great at drawing blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgyz8l/doctors_are_pretty_good_artists/
%
What's brown and sounds like a bell?

DUNNNNG!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgywzb/whats_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
%
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic?

About half way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgynua/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgyn5j/noone_ever_wants_to_work_on_the_can_crushing/
%
I was playing battleships with my dog

I went "K 9"
He said "yes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgyj8g/i_was_playing_battleships_with_my_dog/
%
What did the big dick say to the little dick?

Sorry about your short Cummings dude ....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgyfaf/what_did_the_big_dick_say_to_the_little_dick/
%
I used to have a girlfriend from Germany

She was really into the Olympics and she would actually rate me on my performance in bed. The best I ever did, was the night I slipped it into her butt. She kept screaming 9! 9! 9!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgyevt/i_used_to_have_a_girlfriend_from_germany/
%
A Florida couple, Marge and Doug, moved to Texas.

Doug always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Marge looked him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Doug stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Marge, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Marge looked up and exclaimed, "Doug, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Furious, Doug yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGE?"
"Nope," she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without changing her expression, Marge replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Doug. Shoulda bought a hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgy9wp/a_florida_couple_marge_and_doug_moved_to_texas/
%
Guy walks into a bar...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgy5ij/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
You’re American before you enter a bathroom, you’re American after you leave the bathroom. But what are you when you are inside the bathroom?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgy48e/youre_american_before_you_enter_a_bathroom_youre/
%
Whats the deadliest shape that no one is allowed to talk about?

Tiananmen Square

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgxyer/whats_the_deadliest_shape_that_no_one_is_allowed/
%
Another wooden ball?

Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgxnqh/another_wooden_ball/
%
Why are my posts like antivax kids?

They both die in new

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgxfui/why_are_my_posts_like_antivax_kids/
%
I need to find a new proctologist.

He makes me feel like I’m just another asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgx7ml/i_need_to_find_a_new_proctologist/
%
My wife asked me if she could have some peace quiet while she tried to cook dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgx53o/my_wife_asked_me_if_she_could_have_some_peace/
%
Quoting old vines counts as a personality, right?

I sure hope it does

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgwxi3/quoting_old_vines_counts_as_a_personality_right/
%
What has a hazelnut in every bite?

Squirrel shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgwut5/what_has_a_hazelnut_in_every_bite/
%
I don't hate my wife's relatives.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgwli3/i_dont_hate_my_wifes_relatives/
%
[NSFW] What does China and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

Cleaning up the bloody mess by spraying it down the drain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgwko3/nsfw_what_does_china_and_kentucky_fried_chicken/
%
Here's a joke about China

[redacted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgwiz6/heres_a_joke_about_china/
%
I saw the letters "HI" in the alphabet and thought I finally made a friend...

...until I saw the next two letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgwbsd/i_saw_the_letters_hi_in_the_alphabet_and_thought/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar. One says "I'll have H20." The other says, "I'll have H20 too."

They both enjoy a nice glass of water, because what kind of bar has hydrogen peroxide on tap?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgwb40/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar_one_says_ill_have/
%
How do you get a fish high

Seaweed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgw7qh/how_do_you_get_a_fish_high/
%
One day the famous inventor Thomas Newcomen sits in a pub, crying.

Someone comes up to him and asks him what's wrong. Thomas stifles a sob and says, "Someone made a steam engine that's better than mine."
The guy asked him, "What are you talking about?"
Thomas replies, "Precisely."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgw5al/one_day_the_famous_inventor_thomas_newcomen_sits/
%
The best armour for sneaking is leather armour

Because it’s made of hide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgvyw3/the_best_armour_for_sneaking_is_leather_armour/
%
I just got banned from the farmer’s market.

They caught me trying to take a leek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgvw8x/i_just_got_banned_from_the_farmers_market/
%
My dad told me it was 69° outside...

I told him it was a nice temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgvsts/my_dad_told_me_it_was_69_outside/
%
I want to tell you guys a joke my friend told me but I’m not sure if you already

Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgvgy9/i_want_to_tell_you_guys_a_joke_my_friend_told_me/
%
What did Moana say when she got her dad a new pet?

Papa! New Guinea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgvfn2/what_did_moana_say_when_she_got_her_dad_a_new_pet/
%
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian

It was the least I could have done for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgve26/yesterday_i_spotted_an_albino_dalmatian/
%
What do you call a russian cow?

A Moscow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgv751/what_do_you_call_a_russian_cow/
%
What do you call a chicken in a moving vehicle?

Poultry in motion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgv6lu/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_in_a_moving_vehicle/
%
A man boards a plane

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish
descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the
woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgv6bq/a_man_boards_a_plane/
%
What did soviets use before candles

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgv5hw/what_did_soviets_use_before_candles/
%
My hot neighbour and her boyfriend made a sex tape recently

Obviously they don't know that yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgv3jg/my_hot_neighbour_and_her_boyfriend_made_a_sex/
%
I told Sam not to sing, unfortunately

Samsung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgv331/i_told_sam_not_to_sing_unfortunately/
%
What’s the difference between shaved and unshaved oral sex?

One is private and the other is pubelick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgv13l/whats_the_difference_between_shaved_and_unshaved/
%
I hate those Russian Matryoshka Dolls...

...they're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dguvqa/i_hate_those_russian_matryoshka_dolls/
%
When Trump said "We're going to put a man on the face of the moon" last night, he meant he wants his Space Force to laser-etch his face onto the moon

Get ready for Moont Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgutk0/when_trump_said_were_going_to_put_a_man_on_the/
%
Did you hear about the scientists who lightly waved a feather over a man’s balls?

It was a test tickle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgutk3/did_you_hear_about_the_scientists_who_lightly/
%
Why didn’t the dyslexic racist want his child to be an anthropologist?

He heard they were a bunch of nerdy diggers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgutba/why_didnt_the_dyslexic_racist_want_his_child_to/
%
Wait a minute, that piece of fluff didn't come from your pocket at all!...

Its Fraudulint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgurdj/wait_a_minute_that_piece_of_fluff_didnt_come_from/
%
Is this done before?

Dad (to son): what do your friends think of you having two dads?
Son: They don't care but they make this one yo-mama joke.
Dad: Which is?
Son: Yo mama so ugly your dad had to get a husband

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgumpq/is_this_done_before/
%
50% of Canada is full of

The letter "eh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgukys/50_of_canada_is_full_of/
%
My friend used to boast about how much super glue he could eat

He now keeps his mouth shut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dguhux/my_friend_used_to_boast_about_how_much_super_glue/
%
Can we just take a moment to appreciate toilets?

They take a lot of shit from us and they're still there for us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dguefv/can_we_just_take_a_moment_to_appreciate_toilets/
%
Me: "I've got a fear of the Backstreet Boys"

Therapist: "Tell me why."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dguayh/me_ive_got_a_fear_of_the_backstreet_boys/
%
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk”.

That’s not a good sign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dguacq/my_deaf_girlfriend_just_told_me_i_think_we_need/
%
It was a cough, that carried him off

It was a coffin, they carried him off in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgu6jt/it_was_a_cough_that_carried_him_off/
%
Make no mistake, Ellen DeGeneres could never take down Dwayne Johnson...

The Rock always beats scissors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgtyda/make_no_mistake_ellen_degeneres_could_never_take/
%
Today I tried nicotine free juice in my vape

0mg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgtw2s/today_i_tried_nicotine_free_juice_in_my_vape/
%
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”

It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgttbz/at_work_my_colleagues_have_given_me_the_nickname/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

He was incredibly depressed. He wanted to die. Getting hit by a car would be easy. He wanted to get to the "other side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgtr1a/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
{air horn sound}

{second air horn sound}
Me: “this isn’t deodorant”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgtbxk/air_horn_sound/
%
An old cowboy is sitting in a bar

He is wearing a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, string tie, waist coat, denim jeans. A woman sits near him at the bar and looks at him a few times then asks "Sir, are you a cowboy?"
He looks at the woman and replies "Yes Ma'am I am a cowboy, I wrangle stock for a living, I live most time out in the wilderness, I am a genuine cowboy"
He asks the woman "Can I buy you a drink lil lady?"
The woman replies "I would accept but I just want you to know I am a lesbian"
The cowboy asks "Lesbian? what does that mean, I aint heard that term before"
So the woman tries to explain what a Lesbian is "Well I love woman, I wake up in the morning and I think about woman, I think about having sex with woman all day long and at night I dream about being with a woman and having sex with her.
The cowboy nods and says "I think I understand"
The woman excuses herself and leaves. Shortly after another woman enters the bar and sits near the cowboy. After a while she looks over at him and then asks "Excuse me but are you a real cowboy?"
The cowboy looks at her and replies "Well ma'am for many years I used to think I was, but today I learned I am actually a Lesbian"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgtaeo/an_old_cowboy_is_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
I have split personality disorder

Really? Me too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgt6ry/i_have_split_personality_disorder/
%
A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"
The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."
"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!"
"Well..." says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?"
She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgt6j2/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctors_to_have_a_strange/
%
Some people ask me how I got out of Iran

Well the answer to that is...
Iraq
Oh wait crap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgswbv/some_people_ask_me_how_i_got_out_of_iran/
%
My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."

My first name is Un.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgst8t/my_boss_said_that_for_this_new_contract_need/
%
What do you call a Mexican body builder who doesn’t take diet supplements?

No Whey Jose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgsp9f/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_body_builder_who/
%
A Japanese tourist went into an American bank to exchange some Yen for Dollars..

He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90.
Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?"
The teller replied "Fluctuations"
"Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgso7h/a_japanese_tourist_went_into_an_american_bank_to/
%
My wife is good in bed.

She easily sleeps till 11am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgsi3k/my_wife_is_good_in_bed/
%
My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.

I think it's just a stage he's going through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgsefx/my_cousin_a_magician_decided_to_incorporate_the/
%
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgs349/cinderella_wants_to_go_to_the_ball_but_her_wicked/
%
Scientists have discovered a new genus of bees that produce milk instead of honey.

They're called boo-bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgs029/scientists_have_discovered_a_new_genus_of_bees/
%
Congratulations, you've won a free vacation across Canada! You have a choice between experiencing the vast Canadian Arctic, or everything else that Canada has to offer.

You either see all of it, or Nunavut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgrz3r/congratulations_youve_won_a_free_vacation_across/
%
The best thing about being able to speak to 2 languages and having kids who can only speak one is that I can swear at them in one language but express love in another...

If only they spoke the 2nd language, they'd know how much I love them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgryf2/the_best_thing_about_being_able_to_speak_to_2/
%
What do you call a ditch that has had accidents leading to making people wheelchair bound?

A crippling depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgrxhl/what_do_you_call_a_ditch_that_has_had_accidents/
%
A maths professor was struggling to teach his student the first 10 numbers of pi.

So he started singing a song which was meant to teach people about the numbers of pi. The students were intrigued by this mesmerizing little poem, and by the end they had learned the first 10 digits of pi.
Next, the teacher asked each one to write down the first 10 digits onto a sheet of paper and hand it in. Everyone finished in 2 minutes, and they all went to break.
When they came back, the teacher was furious. I had turned out they have all written '3141592653'. All the digits were correct of course, but the decimal point was missing.
The students couldnt figure out their mistake, so the professor gave up and written down the correct 10 digits of pi. But alas, the students still couldnt see the problem. Finally, the professor sat down, took off his glasses and sighed.
"You guys are all missing the point!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgrtun/a_maths_professor_was_struggling_to_teach_his/
%
Sleeping is so easy

I can do it with my eyes closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgrqkp/sleeping_is_so_easy/
%
The search continues for the oldest tree in the world.

Experts are stumped.
*takes donut and leaves the room*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgro83/the_search_continues_for_the_oldest_tree_in_the/
%
I had to disable the Carbon Monoxide detector in my house

the constant beeping made me feel sick, dizzy, and gave me a headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgrlxa/i_had_to_disable_the_carbon_monoxide_detector_in/
%
Wife at work part 2

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgrlct/wife_at_work_part_2/
%
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgr1ol/a_manager_announces_to_his_staff_ive_lost_a/
%
At the store, the cashier asks, “Do you want the milk in the bag?”

“I think it’s fine in the jug”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgqhfc/at_the_store_the_cashier_asks_do_you_want_the/
%
So I was going down on my grandmother

and I tasted horse cum. Then I had a thought... what if that's how she died?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgq6rq/so_i_was_going_down_on_my_grandmother/
%
did you hear about the Filipino contortionist?

he was a Manilla folder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgpzqw/did_you_hear_about_the_filipino_contortionist/
%
A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgprad/a_navy_recruit_has_his_first_day_on_the_submarine/
%
What did communists use before candles?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgphhh/what_did_communists_use_before_candles/
%
I like to bend over, grab my legs & slowly lean forward

because that’s how I roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgpg5u/i_like_to_bend_over_grab_my_legs_slowly_lean/
%
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom?

Because they’re extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgpagp/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_use_the_bathroom/
%
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgp6kv/did_you_hear_about_the_semicolon_that_broke_the/
%
There are two morons sitting on a fence

A big moron and a little moron. Suddenly, the big moron falls off whilst the little moron stays on!
All because he was a little moron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgp5qx/there_are_two_morons_sitting_on_a_fence/
%
There has never been a better time to be an ecosexual...

The Earth's getting hotter every day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgp5or/there_has_never_been_a_better_time_to_be_an/
%
I hate shower sex...

This drain hurts my dick I need a girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgp3jw/i_hate_shower_sex/
%
Three townsfolk were sentenced to death by guillotine.

The King must witness every execution.
First up was the town’s Priest. Sentenced for baptizing the newborn babies a bit too long. Executioner puts the bag over his head, priest kneels down into the headrest, and the lever is pulled.
The blade comes speeding downwards and stops half way. The King was in shock. “There has to be some devine reason you have not died. You may go now.”
Next was the town Drunk. Sentenced for too many nights running around naked whilst urinating on others property. Executioner puts the bag over his head, he kneels down into the headrest, and the lever is pulled.
The blade comes speeding downwards and stops half way. The King was amazed. “I don’t know why the gods have decided to keep you alive... go on now and drink the finest whiskey you can find.”
Finally was the town Engineer. Sentenced for releasing the castle prisoners while demonstrating the flaws in the wall structure. Executioner puts the bag over his head, he kneels down into the headrest, and the lever is pulled.
The blade comes speeding downwards and stops half way. The King was starting to get a little irritated that no heads were rolling off that day. “Well, Engineer, it must be your lucky day too.” He says as the executioner pulls the bag off the Engineers head. Before the King could get another word in, the Engineer looks up and says, “Hey! There’s your problem!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgozwp/three_townsfolk_were_sentenced_to_death_by/
%
Did You Know Hitler Was Good At Insulting People

He at one point Roasted 6 Million Jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgoyui/did_you_know_hitler_was_good_at_insulting_people/
%
Do you know when 90 is more than 120?

Just start the microwave already, i dont have time for this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgowi8/do_you_know_when_90_is_more_than_120/
%
Timing and delivery is important for jokes.

Well, except for abortion jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgoi1i/timing_and_delivery_is_important_for_jokes/
%
A scottsman walks into a pub, looking down in the dumps.

The bartender looks up to see the miserable chap and asks him about his woes.
"Wanna know what's fucked up?" The man says with a sigh, "If you build three houses for the community, do people go 'oh, there goes McDonough: the homebuilder?' No, never. If you save five wee lads and lasses from a barn fire, will they say 'here comes McDonough: the lifesaver?' No!"
"But you fuck ONE sheep..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgog8w/a_scottsman_walks_into_a_pub_looking_down_in_the/
%
A mime started a fight in a bar, broke his left arm, and got arrested.

He still has the right to remain silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgo8sl/a_mime_started_a_fight_in_a_bar_broke_his_left/
%
Why couldn't the old lizard have sex anymore?

He was suffering from ereptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgo7qa/why_couldnt_the_old_lizard_have_sex_anymore/
%
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.

It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgo6sh/when_i_die_im_donating_my_body_to_science/
%
What do you call alternative medicine that actually works?

Medicine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgo2gs/what_do_you_call_alternative_medicine_that/
%
How is Han Solo in bed?

He shoots first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgnzao/how_is_han_solo_in_bed/
%
Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

A:	Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
-Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgnxnz/q_why_do_scotsmen_wear_kilts/
%
When one door closes, another opens...

Other than that, it's a pretty reliable car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgnslc/when_one_door_closes_another_opens/
%
Two cannibals are eating a clown...

One asks, does this taste funny to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgnroe/two_cannibals_are_eating_a_clown/
%
My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”
She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”
The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”
The woman, barley amused, decides to play along, “Sure.”
“Excellent”, the man replies, “I want you to think of an item in this shop that holds the most significant personal value to you, and close your eyes.”
The woman decides to play along, taking a moment to gather her thoughts, then smiles, “Okay, I got it.”
He tells the woman to hold out her hands in front of her as if to hold the object she is imagining, she follows his instruction and holds her hands out in front of her. The man snaps his fingers and at that moment her arms are burdened with this almost cold weight. She opens her eyes to see this antique plate, ceramic, decorated in gold trimmings and a cute little chickadee in the centre.
“Wow, that was incredible! This plate has been in my family for generations, but I had recently fallen on hard times and had to put it up for sale in the shop despite my greater wishes. How did you know?”
“But it is magic, my dear, I cannot reveal my secrets. I would, however, like to ask you to do one more thing for me. I would like you to close your eyes once again, this time holding out the plate, and think about what you wish you had in this exact moment, it could be anything you want.”
The woman again shuts her eyes, a smile reaching across her face again. She takes in a deep breath and nods, “I’m ready.”
Snap.
She feels the weight of the plate disappear and her hands are filled with a warm, almost gritty texture. Repulsed, she widens her eyes to see that the plate has disappeared and been replaced with several warm fried chicken balls.
“What is this?!” She is exclaimed, realizing she is now holding food where her family heirloom once was. “Where did my dish go?”
“I don’t know! I think given the parameters of the previous trick you should have been more emotionally prepared for what was about to happen!”
“Get out of my store!” She yelled, hurling the chicken balls at the man as he scurried out the door.
“I’m calling the cops!” she exclaimed as she picked up the phone and began dialling.
A couple hours later two officers show up at the shop,
“Wilson, I cant believe we’re doing this”
“Tell me about it, Smith. I’m missing my daughter’s birthday for this, over a goddamn plate. Mmm—“
“Wilson, what are you doing?!”
“Wut—“ Wilson choked out, mouth full of food.
“Are you seriously eating right now?”
Wilson, arm deep in a bucket of the Colonel’s Crispy, “Oh, I’m sorryyyy, I didn’t plan lunch around the theft of dinnerware.”
“Well, put that garbage away, you’ll contaminate the crime scene.”
“No, Smith, Smith, I think I got it!”
“Got what?”
“I figured out the case.”
“What was there to figure out? A man stole a plate, there’s nothing to be solved, we’re only here to fill out some paperwork.”
“No, Smith. This is only the second known case of Chickadee China to Chinese Chicken.”
Thank you.
***On mobile, sorry for formatting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgnkwt/my_first_oc_joke_long/
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I'm going to sing in Chinese.

(censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgnhf6/im_going_to_sing_in_chinese/
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Every second on Earth, a boob is being touched somewhere

It's the breast feeling in the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgngqk/every_second_on_earth_a_boob_is_being_touched/
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Human race need assholes

because without them we are ALL full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgnf4q/human_race_need_assholes/
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What did Bill Gates do at his foundation that he couldn’t at Microsoft?

Prevent viruses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgnekj/what_did_bill_gates_do_at_his_foundation_that_he/
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My son asked me if he was adopted.

Me: No, why would I ever choose you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgncxn/my_son_asked_me_if_he_was_adopted/
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Past me always screws over future me.

But honestly, future me is probably a dick. So fuck that guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgnblx/past_me_always_screws_over_future_me/
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My doctor asked me how I would feel having an extra chromosome

I told him I'd be 100% down with that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgn9co/my_doctor_asked_me_how_i_would_feel_having_an/
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What do you call it when you fall asleep on a rocket?

Spacing out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgn764/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_fall_asleep_on_a/
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A cowboy counted 48 horses on his property, but when he rounded them up...

he had 50.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgn5ka/a_cowboy_counted_48_horses_on_his_property_but/
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I only knock up anti-vaxxers

Because 8 years of child support is better than 18 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgn56w/i_only_knock_up_antivaxxers/
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-Dad? Why is my sister's name Rose?

\-Because your mother loves roses.
\-Thanks dad
\-No problem Richard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgmwls/dad_why_is_my_sisters_name_rose/
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Simba, everything that the sun touches is yours

Except the water, that is owned by nestle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgmu7f/simba_everything_that_the_sun_touches_is_yours/
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Today's National Coming Out Day, so I sat down with my parents

After a lot of difficult, I finally worked up the courage to tell them they're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgmtsh/todays_national_coming_out_day_so_i_sat_down_with/
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A bug pimp is a lot like Adolf Hitler

One brings holocausts and the other ho locusts.
Thanks I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgmpi1/a_bug_pimp_is_a_lot_like_adolf_hitler/
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I was walking home late one night when I saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.

The streets were oddly desserted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgmirn/i_was_walking_home_late_one_night_when_i_saw/
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A priest a rabbi and a minister go camping

There is a bet on which one could convert a bear. A week or so later the rabbi is in the hospital and the others go to visit him. The priest tells the others that while walking in woods the bear started chasing him. The priest sprinkled the bear a couple of times and the bear surrendered. The minister explained that while walking in the woods the bear chased him into the river. After the Minister baptized him a couple of times, the bear surrendered. The rabbi, speaking through his bandages and casts on his arms said, "well, I guess I should not have begun with circumcision"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgmbkq/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_minister_go_camping/
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Did you hear about the long-engaged couple with Parkinson's?

They finally tied the knot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgmbal/did_you_hear_about_the_longengaged_couple_with/
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A study shows that eating 2oz of concentrated tomato sauce per day can keep a man's sperm count up

If you keep that up, your girlfriend just may get Prego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgm7la/a_study_shows_that_eating_2oz_of_concentrated/
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I got given a Lego toy car set from my Wife, she joked about the box which said 7+ Years on it when I am 34.

The joke is on her though, I got it done in 2 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgm53h/i_got_given_a_lego_toy_car_set_from_my_wife_she/
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It doesn't matter whether your cup's half-full or half-empty

You're still wearing the wrong bra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgm1ym/it_doesnt_matter_whether_your_cups_halffull_or/
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What do John Edward and Stevie Wonder have in common?

They've both made a lot of money from Superstition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgly94/what_do_john_edward_and_stevie_wonder_have_in/
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I bout some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with.

But I was tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dglt9e/i_bout_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_i_dont_know/
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I'm looking to sell my Delorean

Is in good condition. Not to many miles on the clock, only driven from time to time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dglt4x/im_looking_to_sell_my_delorean/
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Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam.
Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Confounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!?
Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd. . ."
"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."
Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.
"I learnt it from the song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dglqh9/forrest_gump_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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why are child predators good people?

they drive slow in the school zone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dglq3t/why_are_child_predators_good_people/
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What same things does a car and a dead body have

They both can be found in my garage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dglokc/what_same_things_does_a_car_and_a_dead_body_have/
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My friend Ty recently came first in the Beijing marathon, but was denied his gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dglfam/my_friend_ty_recently_came_first_in_the_beijing/
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Xi Jinping walks into a bar and then

[Censored]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgl8sw/xi_jinping_walks_into_a_bar_and_then/
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Why did the pirate walk the plank?

Because he couldn't afford a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgl401/why_did_the_pirate_walk_the_plank/
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A reminder that the word "retard" should only be used in discussing rates of combustion.

As in "Get the fucking fire extinguisher, you retard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgl21p/a_reminder_that_the_word_retard_should_only_be/
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Once there were three kingdoms

So once there were 3 kingdoms, each controlled an equal share of land with a small island on a lake at the centre of them. Always there was fighting over who would control the island, as it was a veritable paradise and each King wanted it for himself as a place to relax away from royal life.
One day, the Kings decided they’d seen enough of war over the island and called a meeting to decide on a peaceful solution. After much arguing, they concluded that a friendly fight should be held with the winner taking the island. At first the Kings wanted to send their best knights in, however as it happened all 3 were injured from previous battles and couldn’t fight. In their place, it was decided that the squire of each knight would fight on their behalf.
The day before the fight, each squire was preparing for it by training. The first squire drilled his swordplay over and over until he could take 3 men at once. The second squire focussed on improving his strength and speed, believing that he could outmatch anyone if he became strong enough. The third squire took a rope, tied it in a noose and tightened it around small cooking pot. He then hung it from the highest tower in the city before going off to feast and relax for the day.
When the day of the fight arrived, the three squires each squared up in the ring. It was to be a free for all, last man standing wins. Each had a wooden sword and a shield, as they didn’t want to kill each other in this friendly match. The crowd looked on, tense and ready for the action.
The announcer raised his hand for quiet.
“Gentlemen, are you ready?” He asked.
Each squire signalled they were ready.
“Then begin!” He shouted.
It was over almost too fast, the squire from the third kingdom moving at inhuman speed and crushing both of his opponents. Nobody could believe what they’d seen.
“How on earth did you do that?” One of the Kings asked, unable to believe what he’d seen.
“It’s simple.” Replied the squire, “The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the squires of the other two sides.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgkyxx/once_there_were_three_kingdoms/
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I watched my friend die today

Before he died he gave me his epi-pen. I think its a great honor that he wanted me to have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgkxew/i_watched_my_friend_die_today/
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Who cuts Simba's hair?

His mane man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgkt7r/who_cuts_simbas_hair/
%
Two peanuts went walking

One was a salted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgksve/two_peanuts_went_walking/
%
Why did God create war?

So that Americans could learn geography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgketu/why_did_god_create_war/
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If my daughter grows up to be a nun..

Will I call her "daughter" or "sister"??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgkemb/if_my_daughter_grows_up_to_be_a_nun/
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What food ruins sex?

Wedding cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgkema/what_food_ruins_sex/
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To the asthmatic bloke wearing camo who stole my wallet

You can hide but you can’t run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgk4hn/to_the_asthmatic_bloke_wearing_camo_who_stole_my/
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A wealthy rabbi has passed away. According to the will, his estate was to be divvied up among his three sons...

A wealthy rabbi has passed away. According to the will, his estate was to be divvied up among his three sons - under one condition: after the funeral, each son was to put a 100 dollars in their father's grave as a sign of respect.
The eldest son went first. He took a $100 note from his wallet and put in the grave.
Then came the middle son. He dug out ten rolls of quarters from his bag and dropped them down the hole.
And finally, the youngest son. He wrote a cheque for $300, signed it, put it in the grave...
...and pocketed the $200 in cash from the grave as his change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgk38o/a_wealthy_rabbi_has_passed_away_according_to_the/
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In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgk19g/in_jamaica_a_slice_of_pie_costs_350_in_the/
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I would tell you the joke about the roof.

But it may be a little over your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgk0qy/i_would_tell_you_the_joke_about_the_roof/
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Did you hear the Energizer bunny died of a sexual malfunction?

Someone put the battery in backwards and he just kept coming and coming and coming...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgjwfu/did_you_hear_the_energizer_bunny_died_of_a_sexual/
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An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.

The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple.  First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. »
The imam replies: « Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah »
The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: « I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever god needs he takes while what’s left is mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgju0t/an_imam_a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_having_a/
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What do you get if you apply enough heat and pressure to Pringles?

Fission chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgjpjf/what_do_you_get_if_you_apply_enough_heat_and/
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What did the Buffalo say as he dropped his kid off at school?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgjk4h/what_did_the_buffalo_say_as_he_dropped_his_kid/
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I’m not Rabbi-ing it

I was shocked to hear my Rabbi was going to start a martial arts studio...
He calls it Jew Jitsu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgjjd2/im_not_rabbiing_it/
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I asked my wife if i am the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes. The others were at least eights or nines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgjile/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_am_the_only_one_shes_been/
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In the Navy, how do they separate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgje4r/in_the_navy_how_do_they_separate_the_men_from_the/
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What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgjdfo/what_is_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgjc9t/software_development_cycle/
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My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.

She was seeing someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgj76v/my_crosseyed_girlfriend_left_me/
%
My dad won the industry award for best surgical oncologist.

They said his mastectomy work was breastaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgj725/my_dad_won_the_industry_award_for_best_surgical/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgj6hc/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_to/
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To whoever stole my Microsoft Office

I will find you. You have my Word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgj6b0/to_whoever_stole_my_microsoft_office/
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Two dogs are sitting at a bar drinking beer...

One dog looks around and says "you notice we're the only ones here with collars on?"
The other dog says "Dammit, we're at a Stray Bar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgj5t6/two_dogs_are_sitting_at_a_bar_drinking_beer/
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A sales man once went to Japan for business

A sales man once wemt to japan for business. He decided to visit a bordello because he got word of the japanese special capabilities in the love making area. So he went into a room with a lady and they got into the stuff, and in the heat of the moment the lady kept shouting
Machigatta ana,
Machigatta ana
He understood that that must probably mean something like magnificent magnificent.
So the next day, the guy went for golf with his japanese business partner and the japanese guy shoots a hole in one. The businessmen compliments the japanese guy with by saying:
Machigatta ana
So the japanese guy response: what do you mean, wrong hole?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgj5ir/a_sales_man_once_went_to_japan_for_business/
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Why did Mario move to the country?

To eat a lot of Peaches!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgj1s2/why_did_mario_move_to_the_country/
%
I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said:
“Try the ATM outside”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgiwik/i_joined_a_gym_and_said_to_the_trainer_i_want_to/
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My boss called me into his office..

... to complain that I was testing the company's products on animals.
I said "Shampoo companies do it all the time."
He said, "Yes, but we make dildoes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgiw12/my_boss_called_me_into_his_office/
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Why can’t polar bears eat penguins?

They can’t get the wrappers off them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgiqjb/why_cant_polar_bears_eat_penguins/
%
I got gas today for $1.39.

Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgipdj/i_got_gas_today_for_139/
%
The Police suddenly showed up at my house today and arrested my dog.

Reason? Unpaid barking tickets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgijg9/the_police_suddenly_showed_up_at_my_house_today/
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Six year old Bobby is at his grandmothers house...

When he has to go to the bathroom. As most six year olds do, he walks into the bathroom without knocking and sees his naked grandmother coming out of the shower. “Bobby! What are you doing?” Bobby says “sorry grandma, I had to go pee.” Bobby looks down and points at her privates and asks “what’s that grandma?” Embarrassed and shocked, grandma blurts out “well that’s just my beaver Bobby!”
A week later Bobby is home and has to go to the bathroom. Not learning from his prior mistake he walks in on his mother coming out of the shower naked. Mom says “Bobby, what are you doing!?”  “Sorry mom, I had to go pee. But I know what that is” as he points to her private parts. Mom says “You do? What is it?” Bobby says , “That’s your beaver!” “My god Bobby!” Mom says all shocked, “who told you that?” Bobby replies, “grandma did. I saw her coming out of the shower too and she told me. But I think hers was dead because it’s tongue was hanging out......”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgif9v/six_year_old_bobby_is_at_his_grandmothers_house/
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Physicists, Engineer and Statistician go hunting ...

... as they are walking through the woods, they spot a deer.
"This one is mine" said Physicists. He takes out a pencil and a notepad and does some ballistic calculations, but calculates them in vacuum. He picks up his rifle, aim, fires. The bullet overshoots by 5 yards.
"Give me that!" Said the Engineer as he takes the rifle from Physicists. He too takes out a pencil and a notepad and does some ballistic calculations, but includes fudge factor for air resistance. He picks up his rifle, aim, fires. The bullet falls short 5 yards.
"We got him!!!" said Statistician ecstatically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgieg6/physicists_engineer_and_statistician_go_hunting/
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I always wonder how Andre 3000’s doing..

I’d have to assume he’s doing alright alright alright alright alright alright alright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgi7z3/i_always_wonder_how_andre_3000s_doing/
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What do you do if you get attacked by a group of clowns?

Go straight for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgi0j6/what_do_you_do_if_you_get_attacked_by_a_group_of/
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Have you ever wondered what MARINE stood for?

Muscles. Are. Required. Intelligence. Not. Essential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dghxlp/have_you_ever_wondered_what_marine_stood_for/
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On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters.

She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.
"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"
On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dghxf1/on_monday_morning_the_teacher_walked_to_the/
%
A little boy was selling Mangoes in a small village

"3 coins for one, 10 for three!", he said.
A dirty businessman, seeing that it was a boy, thought this to be a perfect opportunity to cheat and gain some profit. He approached the boy and asked, "What is the cost for one, little man?"
"3 for one, 10 for three!", the boy said innocently. Flabbergasted, the man thought to himself, "3 times 3 is 9, why would he sell for 10?"
"How many, sir?", the boy asked. "I'll take one. Here's your 3 coins." The boy smiled and handed him a Mango. "Or how about another? Here, 3 coins." The boy smiled again. "These really look delicious. One more please. Have your 3 coins." The man smiled wide.
"HAH! You've been cheated! I just got 3 for 9, while you priced 10!"
The boy, smiling wider said, "And I, sir, made you buy 3 Mangoes for no reason at all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dghvg4/a_little_boy_was_selling_mangoes_in_a_small/
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In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dghmno/in_texas_we_dont_measure_temperature_in_degrees/
%
19 and 20 had a fight

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dghlng/19_and_20_had_a_fight/
%
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day. First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dghkml/an_old_grandma_brings_a_bus_driver_a_bag_of/
%
What do you get when you drop a waffle on a beach in California?

A Sandy Eggo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dghk5k/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_waffle_on_a_beach/
%
A world without women

Would be a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dghhou/a_world_without_women/
%
I take dick like I take pills

On the floor sobbing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgheqt/i_take_dick_like_i_take_pills/
%
What do you call an honest Trump Supporter?

A witness for the Prosecution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dghc1w/what_do_you_call_an_honest_trump_supporter/
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A man walks up to a widow at her husbands funeral...

...and says
“May I just say one word?”
“Sure,” the widow replies
The man says, “plethora”
“Thanks,” says the woman, “that means a lot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgh93a/a_man_walks_up_to_a_widow_at_her_husbands_funeral/
%
What’s 6.9?

A good time ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgh92j/whats_69/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgh8ag/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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How many Englishmen does it take to wallpaper a room?

Usually about 3.
Though it depends how thinly you slice them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgh0vo/how_many_englishmen_does_it_take_to_wallpaper_a/
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What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge?

John Wickipedia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dggr2h/what_do_you_call_an_assassin_with_a_massive/
%
What's an anti vax kids favorite game?

Marco polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dggk0l/whats_an_anti_vax_kids_favorite_game/
%
I saw a cloud absorb other clouds and get bigger and bigger...

... It must have been a Cumulativenimbus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgghw5/i_saw_a_cloud_absorb_other_clouds_and_get_bigger/
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Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dggfr6/teachers_said_id_never_be_any_good_at_poetry/
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Knock, Knock, Knock Knock, Knock Knock Knock, Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock?

Who’s there?
Fibonacci

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dggf1v/knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock/
%
The police finally caught the guy who cut off my arm.

People say he's evil, but I think he just needed a shoulder to cry on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dggdso/the_police_finally_caught_the_guy_who_cut_off_my/
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Why don't blind people pick up their guide-dog's poop?

Because they can't see shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgga5y/why_dont_blind_people_pick_up_their_guidedogs_poop/
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Xi Jinping needs some laxatives...

He just can't take a Pooh right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgg7ww/xi_jinping_needs_some_laxatives/
%
I saw a post saying "Free China".

Turns out it was some old lady giving away her dishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgg5kb/i_saw_a_post_saying_free_china/
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What do you call a guy with a toe on his patella?

Tony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgg4b6/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_toe_on_his_patella/
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My bank loves me.

They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgg2e8/my_bank_loves_me/
%
How I got divorced

Last week was my birthday.  My wife forgot, my kids forgot, none of my friends called or texted even my parents forgot.   Nobody wished me happy birthday until I got to work.  My secretary was there with a smile and a big Happy Birthday Boss!   I felt so special.
She invited me to lunch and After lunch she asked if we could swing by her apartment.  When we got to her apartment she said she needed to go into her bedroom for a minute.
Well I get pretty excited and strip down naked waiting for her to come out.
Well a few minutes go by and out she comes with a birthday cake, my wife, kids, friends and parents all yelling “surprise!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgfwfs/how_i_got_divorced/
%
The doctor said my illness was terminal

I decided to get a second opinion. The next doctor also said my illness was terminal. Feeling disheartened, i decided to get a third opinion from a homeopathic doctor.
This doctor recommended I take daily mudbaths. Finally relieved, I asked "Thats great! That will cure me??" to which the doctor replied "No, no. But it will get you used to being in dirt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgftgu/the_doctor_said_my_illness_was_terminal/
%
I can't remember, is "buttcheeks" one word?

Or spread apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgfl63/i_cant_remember_is_buttcheeks_one_word/
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I'm so depressed...

Even my own blood is like, "Be positive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgfesc/im_so_depressed/
%
A guy calls a hospital

He says "you gotta help me! My wife's going into labor."
The nurse says "calm down, is this her first child?"
He says "No! This is her freaking husband!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgfbmy/a_guy_calls_a_hospital/
%
What do you call a surprised philosopher

Shockrates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgf9jj/what_do_you_call_a_surprised_philosopher/
%
A Bus Carrying Nuns to the Convent....

Goes over a cliff, killing all on board.
Being pious nuns, all are transported directly to the pearly gates where St. Peter, standing beside a font, is awaiting them.
He says to the nuns, "Our heavenly Father awaits you on the other side of the gates to welcome you to the eternal paradise of heaven.  I only ask one thing.  Before you pass through, you must cleanse yourselves at the font."
He says to the first nun, "Sister, have you ever had contact with a man's penis?"
The first nun says "I touched one once with just the tip of my finger."
St Peter, pleased with her honesty says "dip that fingertip into the font and proceed, cleansed, through the gates."
St Peter then asks the second nun in line the same question.
She replies, "yes your Holiness, I once gave a man handjob, and I am very ashamed".
St Peter, seemingly unsurprised by her admission, calmly says "very well sister, rinse your offending hands vigorously in the font and continue through the gates to life everlasting."
As the nun is making her way to the gates, two other nuns start jostling and arguing towards the back of the line.
Astonished, St Peter says "what in God's name is going on back there?"
The nun at the back of the line says "if I have to gargle that water in my mouth, I want to do it before sister Mary Margaret dunks her arse in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgf96o/a_bus_carrying_nuns_to_the_convent/
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I used to know this Chinese guy named George Popadopolis.

I asked him how he got such a name, and he said in heavily accented English, "Well, I was standing in line in immigration office. Guy in front, he say his name George Popadopolis. Then they ask my name. I said "Sam Ting!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgezga/i_used_to_know_this_chinese_guy_named_george/
%
I just flipped a coin.

On one side, it landed.
On the other.. it did not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgexq0/i_just_flipped_a_coin/
%
What do you call a mexican midget?

A paragraph, coz hes too short to be an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgexg6/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
What's the difference between a hot potato and a pork chop on the floor?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dges2d/whats_the_difference_between_a_hot_potato_and_a/
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Did you hear the story about Joe Shitter?

Poor schmuck was bullied for his name as far back as grade school. Everyone anticipated daily roll call just to hear the teacher call out his name and burst in uncontrolled laughter. Even the teachers giggled. It didn't end after school, he joined the army hoping it would increase his confidence, but guess what they used to call him all through out boot camp? Matters only worsened later in his life. He could never get past the first date, no woman wanted someone with that name. Mockery turned to loneliness, loneliness to depression. Depressed through his twenties, he realised that unless he makes a change, nothing will ever come his way no matter how hard he tries. So, at the ripe age of 30 he decided to start over, get another chance at life, so he legally changed his name to Andrew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgelbc/did_you_hear_the_story_about_joe_shitter/
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A man and a woman were traveling in a train.Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Awwww ... Are you single?

Woman: No. I'm a dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgegyg/a_man_and_a_woman_were_traveling_in_a_trainwoman/
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The Chinese government finally says "Free Hong Kong"*

*With purchase of an American industry of equal or greater value.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgegg4/the_chinese_government_finally_says_free_hong_kong/
%
What's the upside of a hillbilly divorce?

She stays your sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dge9ja/whats_the_upside_of_a_hillbilly_divorce/
%
Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgdymd/mahatma_gandhi_was_a_strange_person/
%
What is the Asian equivalent of John Doe?

Hu Dat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgdxtr/what_is_the_asian_equivalent_of_john_doe/
%
I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused on my trip to Japan

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgdxmj/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_confused_on_my/
%
I got a new female dog today

Her name is Karma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgdtpv/i_got_a_new_female_dog_today/
%
Hans, Is That You?

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.
In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgdtj3/hans_is_that_you/
%
What's the only bank the jews don't control?

The west one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgdphf/whats_the_only_bank_the_jews_dont_control/
%
What’s the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman’s mouth?

Albert Einstein’s dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgdlp1/whats_the_smartest_thing_to_ever_come_out_of_a/
%
The man with no arms and legs had truly a touching moment at the hospital.

The doctors re-membered him on his birthday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgd6nb/the_man_with_no_arms_and_legs_had_truly_a/
%
When people dress in fully body suits of their favourite animals, a sexual kink isn't implied

It's infurred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgd5yi/when_people_dress_in_fully_body_suits_of_their/
%
Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!"
And Carl says "I shit. You knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgd248/carl_is_into_the_tenth_year_of_his_life_sentence/
%
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss "The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, Under The Big Top, in the Centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The same... now very old... Italian man stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the old man, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgd18m/a_salesman_drove_into_a_small_town_where_a_circus/
%
Honey why do you iron your hair?

Her: To make it look longer
Later
Doctor: Let's see Luis explain to me how you burned your penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgd02u/honey_why_do_you_iron_your_hair/
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Muhammad Ali has two boys.

Both of them head strong and talented like their father, vigorously passionate about their sport. But neither of them took a liking to boxing. They actually had an uncanny knack for driving, or rather, the opposite of driving. They could put a car into perfect position flawlessly every time, even in the tightest and most difficult spots. They became so prolific in fact, that even Ali was proud to say that he did not have boxing sons, he had parking sons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgcprh/muhammad_ali_has_two_boys/
%
My girlfriend just left me because I am always giving weird nicknames to my penis.

I guess I have to take Matters in my own hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgco1k/my_girlfriend_just_left_me_because_i_am_always/
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Honey! Im pregnant! what would you like it to be?.

A joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgcd2i/honey_im_pregnant_what_would_you_like_it_to_be/
%
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgc8ln/twelve_priests_were_about_to_be_ordained_the/
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How'd you describe the story of a priest and a boy?

Touching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgbyv6/howd_you_describe_the_story_of_a_priest_and_a_boy/
%
What did the police man say to his belly button?

You're under a vest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgbyie/what_did_the_police_man_say_to_his_belly_button/
%
came in the washing machine

call it a load

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgbwgd/came_in_the_washing_machine/
%
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgb8nq/they_say_kim_jong_un_has_read_every_single_book/
%
What's the difference between a zit and a catholic priest?

a zit waits until youre 12 to come on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgb84g/whats_the_difference_between_a_zit_and_a_catholic/
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What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet

...
.....
......
.........
............
...............
Bubble gum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgazji/what_is_pink_goes_in_hard_and_dry_and_comes_out/
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Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgaxa3/every_time_somebody_tells_me_that_theyre_pansexual/
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What currency can we use to buy coffee in space

S T A R B U C K S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgaoeo/what_currency_can_we_use_to_buy_coffee_in_space/
%
In Communist China

Winnie the Pooh owns Disney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgai6t/in_communist_china/
%
Relationships are like squared numbers

If their under 13, do them in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgah8l/relationships_are_like_squared_numbers/
%
My dad used to abuse my mom (long)

As a little kid, I remember countless nights of being awake at night scared by all the yelling and screaming downstairs. A few times my mom would be bruised on her arms. I'd ask her about it and she wouldn't say anything.
One day she got the courage to call the police and have him taken away to prison. My dad served a 6 year sentence. Surprisingly my mom was gonna stay with him when he got out. She had waited for him despite all the pain of the past.
However when my dad rang the doorbell upon coming back from prison, we found him wearing pink lipstick, a blonde wig and a sundress. My mom and I were so shocked at the sight of him.
Taken aback, my mother asked "What happened to you?!"
My dad replied, "Well I've learned my lesson from the past and am determined to be better. Abusing you was very wrong and I'll never do it again. But you know what they say: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgag2c/my_dad_used_to_abuse_my_mom_long/
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Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgaffg/why_do_chicken_coops_have_two_doors/
%
My friend finally asked what book I’m reading

Well it’s about time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dgaf28/my_friend_finally_asked_what_book_im_reading/
%
What do Riley Reid and a European socialist have in common?

They both like the BBC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg9ubt/what_do_riley_reid_and_a_european_socialist_have/
%
How come popular girls only hang out in odd numbers?

Cause like, they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg9tf0/how_come_popular_girls_only_hang_out_in_odd/
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Arranged marriage

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.
His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?”
He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.”
Friend: “Okay, that’s weird...But what happened when you met them after a week?”
He says: “First girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.”
“Second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.”
“Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.”
Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??”
The guy said “I am marrying the one with the biggest boobs”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg9kq1/arranged_marriage/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women

In the kitchen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg9gfa/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
Dads are like boomerangs...

...I hope.
Pre-edit: I heard this last night at a bar. Hopefully, it's not a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg9gde/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

He was outstanding in his field!
(got this joke from Tiny Tower if you guys know what that is)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg9fxg/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_promoted/
%
Why don't cannibals eat clowns

Because they taste funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg9b23/why_dont_cannibals_eat_clowns/
%
My dick is like a Nicolas Cage movie

Not because it’s a national treasure but because it’s gone in 60 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg99fd/my_dick_is_like_a_nicolas_cage_movie/
%
With some many streaming services it's difficult to pick between Disney+ and Hulu Plus

Personally, I prefer LGBTQ+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg96id/with_some_many_streaming_services_its_difficult/
%
I want to share a Russian pun with you all

But it it gets downvoted to hell then so-v-iet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg966n/i_want_to_share_a_russian_pun_with_you_all/
%
How do lumberjacks keep track of all the trees they cut down?

With a logbook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg8u4r/how_do_lumberjacks_keep_track_of_all_the_trees/
%
Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?

He was looking for a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg8rlb/why_did_the_walrus_go_to_the_tupperware_party/
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2 elderly couples were walking down a street, the husbands were talking to each other and the wives were talking to each other...

Husband 1: "I went to a restaurant recently and it was absolutely delightful. For the first time my wife really enjoyed herself:
Husband 2: "That sounds wonderful, I should take my wife there, what was the name of the place?"
H1: "Uh, lets see... a flower.. it's got red petals.. green stalk with thorns..."
H2: "Rose?"
The first husband then turns to his wife: "Yes! Rose, what was the name of the restaurant we went to the other day?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg8nbb/2_elderly_couples_were_walking_down_a_street_the/
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How do you punish your pet rock?

“You hit rock bottom”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg8na7/how_do_you_punish_your_pet_rock/
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What did the clock do when it was still hungry?

It went back four seconds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg8mjc/what_did_the_clock_do_when_it_was_still_hungry/
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Every book is a coloring book if you hate librarians.

Credit: Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg8jzv/every_book_is_a_coloring_book_if_you_hate/
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A bartender sees a blind man stumbling around

After watching the blind man for a while, he sees the blind man enter the bar.
"Is this the bar?" The blind man asks
"Yes, may I ask how you got here on your first try?" Asked the bartender
"Well I know this city like the back of my hand."
"But... you're blind aren't you?" Asks the confused bartender
"Exactly," said the blind man "I got here by chance,"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg8d8y/a_bartender_sees_a_blind_man_stumbling_around/
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What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?

Chick Fillet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg8cws/what_is_serial_killer_buffalo_bills_favorite_fast/
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What do you call a clock that is also a belt?

A waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg8clh/what_do_you_call_a_clock_that_is_also_a_belt/
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You can't spell gayness...

without ayness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg8apd/you_cant_spell_gayness/
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When Mike Tyson says he means bithneth

He means business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg87hm/when_mike_tyson_says_he_means_bithneth/
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Sign found on a laundrette near a church.....

Dirty habits?? No problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg83o5/sign_found_on_a_laundrette_near_a_church/
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Why was the dog sad?

He had a ruff life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg824d/why_was_the_dog_sad/
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The cops confiscated all my brownies at a bake sale.

Jokes on them, the weed was in the apple pie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg814c/the_cops_confiscated_all_my_brownies_at_a_bake/
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What's 11 plus 2 plus 4 minus 17?

A lot of work for nothing.
Credit: My nine year old and his joke book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg7upw/whats_11_plus_2_plus_4_minus_17/
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After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV....

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg7ae5/after_i_won_the_game_i_decide_to_throw_the_ball/
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Did you hear about the guy who slapped a Russian priest?

He was quite unorthodox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg79pe/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_slapped_a_russian/
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Officer: Sir your wife fell out of your car about a mile back!

Man: Thank you so much for telling me officer! I thought I had gone deaf!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg76si/officer_sir_your_wife_fell_out_of_your_car_about/
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A panda sees a prostitute working the corner

He stops and asks for her to get in his car. She gets in his car and the prostitute lays down and the panda eats her out. After they're done the prostitute says "You have to pay me" The panda replies with " Look up the definition of a panda" and she does. She says "Panda, eats bushes and leaves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg76du/a_panda_sees_a_prostitute_working_the_corner/
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My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path

They let me pick which medical school I'm going to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg741w/my_asian_parents_are_actually_very_supportive_of/
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What do you call mermaid prostitutes?

SeaWhores

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg73zm/what_do_you_call_mermaid_prostitutes/
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I saw a hitchhiker with a sign that read ‘Heaven.’

So I ran him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg71t7/i_saw_a_hitchhiker_with_a_sign_that_read_heaven/
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Joke translated from Russian

I young writer asks his dad to help with the title for the first book he has written. Without reading the book, dad asks his son:
<Dad> Is there anything about drum?
<Son> No, there is nothing about drums..
<Dad> Anything about trumpets?
<Son> And nothing about trumpets either..
<Dad> Well call your book: 'Without trumpets  and drums'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg6zxt/joke_translated_from_russian/
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You can prick your finger

But never finger your prick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg6v83/you_can_prick_your_finger/
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I walked outside of the bar to have a cigarette.

A man in a wheelchair asked me, "why do you do that if you don't have to?"
I replied "Why are you wearing shoes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg6r1b/i_walked_outside_of_the_bar_to_have_a_cigarette/
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A kid walks up to his mom and says “mom, I like my women how I like my coffee”

The mom replies with “but son you don’t like coffee”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg6qok/a_kid_walks_up_to_his_mom_and_says_mom_i_like_my/
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Two muffins are in an oven

The first muffin says "Oh my, it's getting hot in here!"
The second muffin turns around in shock and screams, "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg6qla/two_muffins_are_in_an_oven/
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Why couldn't the toadstool get on the bus?

There wasn't mushroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg6q64/why_couldnt_the_toadstool_get_on_the_bus/
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What did the Frenchman say when he went down the slide?

Yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg6it6/what_did_the_frenchman_say_when_he_went_down_the/
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What do you call a deer that can’t curse?

I don’t buckin’ know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg6ahu/what_do_you_call_a_deer_that_cant_curse/
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Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn’t see that well!
Jk some kids pushed him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg69gi/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_down_the_well/
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There was a French knight who was great at math and sex

He was known as Sir Cum of France

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg68ic/there_was_a_french_knight_who_was_great_at_math/
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A doctor gets a chestnut dacquiri every day after work at the bar across the street.

He's been doing this for a couple of years at this point, and so the bartender, Jim, knows him. He forgot the man's name so at this point he just calls him "doc". In fact the doctor has been doing this for so long at the same time every day that the bartender prepares the dacquiri before he gets there.
One day, same as always, the bartender is preparing for the doc to come him. He gets out all his dacquiri supplies out, but realizes he forgot to buy chestnuts. He looks around but all he finds are some hickory nuts. He decides that he'll put those in, and that the man won't realize. So he chops up the hickory nuts and puts them in the dacquiri.
A couple of minutes later the doc walks in, sits down, and orders the chestnut dacquiri. The bartender brings it out to him. The doctor takes one sip of it, looks up and says
"Is this a chestnut dacquiri, Jim?"
"No, it's a hickory dacquiri doc."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg64z4/a_doctor_gets_a_chestnut_dacquiri_every_day_after/
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A blind man was looking for bananas in a supermarket

...his efforts were fruit aisle (oc)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg62ds/a_blind_man_was_looking_for_bananas_in_a/
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#1159: Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm were driving along when a cop pulls them over.

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg6023/1159_heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_were_driving/
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What's Michael Jackson's favorite drink?

Tee-hee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg5zbd/whats_michael_jacksons_favorite_drink/
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In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30's,

... but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg5p0o/in_the_harry_potter_books_sirius_black_is_in_his/
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I fell over at my standing desk today.

I guess I'm not good at thinking on my feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg5kb2/i_fell_over_at_my_standing_desk_today/
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Monica Lewinsky goes to the dry cleaner.

She says to the dry cleaner, “I have another dress for you Joe.”
Joe is hard of hearing and says, “come again?”
Monica says, “no, mustard this time!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg5gxa/monica_lewinsky_goes_to_the_dry_cleaner/
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Old Custom In Ireland

There is an old custom in Ireland, to bow the head briefly in prayer when saying “Jesus” - particularly when saying the line from the Ave Maria, or Hail Mary, that ends with “... the fruit of thy womb, Jesus”
In christening services, where babies are dedicated to the Church, parents and godparents are asked to make some oaths:
“Do you reject Satan and all his works?”
“I do”
“And all his empty promises?”
“I do”, and so on.
Now it happened that one morning a priest noticed an old lady in the pews was bowing her head every time she heard “Satan”. Surprised by this, he waited until the service was over and approached her.
“I couldn’t help notice, madam, that you bowed your head, not just for the name of Jesus, but for Satan as well”
The lady smiled and replied, “Yes, father. You see, I am very old. I could go at any time.”
“But why Satan?” The priest went on.
“Well father, politeness costs nothing, and you never know...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg5e0j/old_custom_in_ireland/
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[NSFW] Yesterday I made the mistake of telling my wife to shave her pussy

The next morning I woke up bald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg5dgy/nsfw_yesterday_i_made_the_mistake_of_telling_my/
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What’s the difference between someone who can’t eat cheese, and someone who hates amputees?

Ones lactose intolerant, the other is lack-toes intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg5arw/whats_the_difference_between_someone_who_cant_eat/
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Why is Batman so good at hitting home runs?

He has a batting cage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg57jm/why_is_batman_so_good_at_hitting_home_runs/
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What do you call a person who has daily appearances on TV yet, fucks up their job ~25% of the time and...still...manages...to...keep...it?

A weatherman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg56lq/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_has_daily/
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A bar is holding open auditions for a new piano player,

And after hours of mediocre piano players, a drunk man walks in and asks to audition. The bar owner looks at him and hesitantly says, “Sure, whenever you’re ready.” The drunk man sits at the piano and plays a great, fun, complex piece on the piano. When he’s done the bar owner says, “hey, that was actually really good. what song was that?” The drunk man answers, “it’s a song I wrote. I call it ‘Your mother’s a whore.” The bar owner is a little taken back but decides the song was so good he’d let it go. He asks the drunk man to play another one. And he continues to play the most beautiful song the bar owner had ever heard. When the song finished the bar owner wipes a tear from his eye and says, “that was one of the best songs ive ever heard on the piano, did you write that one too?” The drunk man replies, “sure did. That one’s called, ‘fuck you, and suck my dick.’” The bar owner again is surprised but decides to give the drunk the job on the condition he doesn’t announce any of the names of the songs.
So the next week the man is playing his first gig, playing all of his songs, but not announcing any of the names. The crowd is loving every second of it and everyone’s buying drinks. It was on of the best nights the bar had ever had! The piano player is drunk again at this point and announces he’s gonna take a quick bathroom break. So he stumbles on his way to the bathroom and comes out 5 minutes later with his pants down. Another man at the bar sees him and says, “excuse me sir, do you know your pants are down, and your dick is out?” And the drunk piano player scoffs, and replies, “Do I know it?? I wrote it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg5417/a_bar_is_holding_open_auditions_for_a_new_piano/
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What do you call a crime scene with dead hookers

Whore-ible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg535p/what_do_you_call_a_crime_scene_with_dead_hookers/
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I took a dump in an elevator..

.. took that shit to the next level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg4z8n/i_took_a_dump_in_an_elevator/
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Cop: How high are you?

No officer, it's: Hi, How are you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg4u7u/cop_how_high_are_you/
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I was born in a very conservative family

so I am very much opposed to the idea of sex before marriage. This is why I always wait for women to get married before I sleep with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg4lde/i_was_born_in_a_very_conservative_family/
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The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you

Atleast in physics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg4l7h/the_heavier_you_are_the_more_people_are_attracted/
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I bought this old Russian car from a guy down the street from me... Little did I know it was fitted with a bomb and warning sound.

The explosion was like Lada-bing, Lada-Boom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg4elc/i_bought_this_old_russian_car_from_a_guy_down_the/
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What is reddit's favorite sandwich

Subs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg4cv8/what_is_reddits_favorite_sandwich/
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Why was Chewbacca so happy after his son's first baseball season?

He got Wookie of the year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg4cir/why_was_chewbacca_so_happy_after_his_sons_first/
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I keep asking people what LGBTQ+ stands for,

But I can never get a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg4cg4/i_keep_asking_people_what_lgbtq_stands_for/
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The terrorist behind the underwear bomb died today.

Which is good. Because no one likes a guy who goes off in his pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg499o/the_terrorist_behind_the_underwear_bomb_died_today/
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NSFW A guy and a girl are fooling around...

A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her. The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.
The next day the young man wakes up and notices that the flesh of his toe is sore and a little pink and tender. He ignores it, but after a few days decides to go see his doctor when the symptoms get worse.
The old doctor brings him into the examining room, leans in, and looks at his toe. After a few minutes of examination, he begins to laugh.
"What's wrong?" the young man asks.
"Well," the doctor giggles, "you're not gonna believe this, but it looks like you have a yeast infection on your big toe!"
The young man begins to laugh himself. "Boy Doc," he says, "I bet that's the weirdest thing you've seen in this office!"
"Well not quite," the doctor replies. "You see, just earlier today a young woman came in with a bad case of athlete's pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg456l/nsfw_a_guy_and_a_girl_are_fooling_around/
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What’s the difference between my ex-girlfriend and garbage?

Garbage still gets taken out once a week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg3zd1/whats_the_difference_between_my_exgirlfriend_and/
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Cop: Are you high?

Me: Hello, I'm what?
Cop: High.
Me: Hello.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg3y5k/cop_are_you_high/
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I am a social vegan.

I avoid meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg3qla/i_am_a_social_vegan/
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If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

you get them VERY ANGRY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg3n67/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_mailmen/
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My girlfrend borrowed $100 dollars from me, a year later when we broke up, she returned exactly $100 dollars.

I lost interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg3jmp/my_girlfrend_borrowed_100_dollars_from_me_a_year/
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An old man walks into a confessional

The priest behind the screen says, "What are your sins my son?" The old man replies, "Well Father, I'm 63 years old. I've been married to the same woman for 40 years and I've been faithful all that time. That ended last night when I had a three-way with two college-age girls."
The priest looks at the man for a moment before saying, "You don't look familiar. Are you a part of this congregation?"
The old man says, "Actually father, I'm Jewish."
Shocked, the priest asks, "Then why are you here?"
The old man leans forward and says, "I'm 63 years old. Last night, I had a three-way with two college-age girls. I'm telling anyone who will listen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg3h9x/an_old_man_walks_into_a_confessional/
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How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Toucan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg3g6p/how_many_birds_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A woman gave birth to a set of twins...

She was so tired by the end of it that she fell asleep. She woke up 16 hours later and asked about her babies. The nurse said "You had two healthy babies. First one is a daughter and the second is a son. Fortunately your brother was here to name your kids since you were out cold. We tried several times to wake you up". The new mother said "Oh no. My brother is a complete moron. I'm almost afraid to ask what he named them". The nurse said "Well he named your daughter Denise". The mother goes "Well that's a pretty name for my daughter. Maybe I didn't give my brother enough credit. What'd he name my son?" and the nurse says "Denephew".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg3dle/a_woman_gave_birth_to_a_set_of_twins/
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A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face

The bartender says “why are you so happy?”
The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!”
The bartender is impressed “sounds great!  Was she hot?”
“Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg36nw/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_big_smile_on_his/
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Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg30cw/paddy_mccoy_an_elderly_irish_farmer_recently/
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Son: Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Because you mother loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter.
Son: Thanks Dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg2zay/son_dad_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
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A great worker is hard to find.

That's why I hide when I get to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg2sap/a_great_worker_is_hard_to_find/
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What do you call a group of British gentlemen who have misplaced their donkey?

Assless Chaps
My coworker used to tell me this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg2s06/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_british_gentlemen_who/
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I ordered a male enhancement off eBay.

They sent me a magnifying glass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg2gye/i_ordered_a_male_enhancement_off_ebay/
%
I decided to name the spider I found in my room, cotton eye Joe, based on two reasons:

1. Where did you come from
2. Where did you go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg2asy/i_decided_to_name_the_spider_i_found_in_my_room/
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A man is on a journey through the rural countryside

On the first night of his journey, he stops at a farm and asks if he can spend the night.  The farmer agrees, but tells the man he must sleep in the barn with his 18 sheep.  The man does so and in the morning, the farmer asks the traveller how he feels.  "I feel like wool.  Wouldn't you feel like wool if you slept with 18 sheep?".
The man continues on his journey and that night stops at another farm.  The farmer agrees to let the man stay, so long as he sleeps in the barn with his 18 cows.  The traveller agrees and before he leaves the next morning, the farmer asks him how he feels.  The man says "I feel like beef.  Wouldn't you feel like beef if you slept with 18 cows?"
The man continues on his way and stops at another farm that evening.  He asks the farmer if he can spend the night.  The farmer agrees but tells the man that he must sleep in the house with his 18 beautiful daughters.  The man happily accepts the offer.  The next morning, the farmer stops the traveller and asks him how he feels.  The traveller says "I feel like a golf ball".
"A golf ball?" Replies the farmer.
"Yeah, wouldn't you feel like a golf ball if you went in and out of 18 holes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg2419/a_man_is_on_a_journey_through_the_rural/
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My dad is an avid bottle collector.

Well it sounds better than alcoholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg20ef/my_dad_is_an_avid_bottle_collector/
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I have discovered that the hokey pokey is the meaning of life.

Cause that's what it's all about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg1wu3/i_have_discovered_that_the_hokey_pokey_is_the/
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What do I have in common with the 20th century?

In our 20s, we both suffered from a Great Depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg1hrl/what_do_i_have_in_common_with_the_20th_century/
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How do you think the unthinkable

With an ithberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg1hmj/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
What do you call a dog that popularizes things?

A trend setter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg1gla/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_popularizes_things/
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What is a pirate's preferred lodging on vacation?

Arr B&B
(not to be confused with their favorite fast food, Arr B's)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg0wep/what_is_a_pirates_preferred_lodging_on_vacation/
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A woman confronts her husband.

"Before we got married, you used to buy me gifts and expensive jewelry... how come you don't do that anymore?"
The husband pondered this question for a moment.
"Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to a fish that he already caught?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg0rh2/a_woman_confronts_her_husband/
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I won the masturbation competition

Single-handedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg0flr/i_won_the_masturbation_competition/
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The sex system

A married couple wanted it to be less embarrassing to ask each other for sex when one or the other does not want to do it. So they worked out a system. The wife says "Ok if you wanna have sex reach over and tug my breast one time, if you don't, tug two times." The husband says "Ok then, same for me, if u wanna have sex reach over and tug my penis one time, if not just reach over and tug my penis 276 times"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg0ch5/the_sex_system/
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I figured out the ending of Joker

It's the names of the people who worked on the movie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg0b54/i_figured_out_the_ending_of_joker/
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg06vg/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_down_a/
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What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg06l7/what_does_an_air_conditioner_have_in_common_with/
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With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.

So they brought back the McRib.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg04th/with_the_success_of_bks_impossible_whopper/
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Meth

Not all as good as it’s cracked out to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg02a3/meth/
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Why do people say "language"?

Saying "language" when hearing a bad word is like saying "transportation" when getting hit by a car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dg01y3/why_do_people_say_language/
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So I was on the beach and there was a "no nudism" sign. Saw a guy totally naked and noticed he had beautiful testicles...

...I said to him: "I don't approve of what you're doing, but I admire your balls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfzzun/so_i_was_on_the_beach_and_there_was_a_no_nudism/
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How do you say R. Kelly in Korean??

So-Young Poon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfzy5z/how_do_you_say_r_kelly_in_korean/
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A man goes to a $5 hooker...

He wakes up the next day to find out he has crabs. He goes to the hooker to complain and she replies, “It was $5! What did you expect, lobster?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfzrwi/a_man_goes_to_a_5_hooker/
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When using Waze as GPS, if you drive by an accident where someone died, do you mark that down as an 'accident', or as 'roadkill'?

I know, too dark...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfzrem/when_using_waze_as_gps_if_you_drive_by_an/
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I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza

I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfzodk/i_just_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza/
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A man wakes up after a long night of drinking.

He goes down to his kitchen and sees his wife with a big grin and humming cheerfully to herself. She prepares a massive breakfast full of the man's favorite foods. She gives him a kiss and heads upstairs to change for work. The man is extremely confused as he had no idea what the occasion was. He looks over to his son and asks why his mother is so happy.
"Last night you came home completely trashed. When Mom took you upstairs and tried to get you out of your dirty clothes, you started fighting her off and yelled 'Get your hands off me, woman! I'm a happily married man!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfzkmq/a_man_wakes_up_after_a_long_night_of_drinking/
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What would you call Dwayne Johnson if he was from Malta?

Lava, because he would be the Maltan Rock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfzjyq/what_would_you_call_dwayne_johnson_if_he_was_from/
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What is yellow, has 1 Arm and can't swim?

An Excavator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfzenp/what_is_yellow_has_1_arm_and_cant_swim/
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NSFW did you hear about the blind guy who was sexually assaulted by Pennywise?

He never saw IT coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfzeac/nsfw_did_you_hear_about_the_blind_guy_who_was/
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A Roman walked into a bar and held up two fingers.

He told the bartender, "five beers please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfzagx/a_roman_walked_into_a_bar_and_held_up_two_fingers/
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Chinese takeout $25.00... Gas to pick it up $5.00... Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers...

Riceless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfz3g6/chinese_takeout_2500_gas_to_pick_it_up_500/
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Getting old sucks.

The only safe place to cough is when you are sitting on the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfyzp9/getting_old_sucks/
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Apparently in China there is really bad weather right now

Some are even calling it a Blizzard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfyywa/apparently_in_china_there_is_really_bad_weather/
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How do you turn a duck into a Soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfyqys/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
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TEENAGERS: Get a FREE car

By telling your parents that you want to buy a motorbike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfyp7n/teenagers_get_a_free_car/
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Of all the bad things that are happening in China, one particular stands out.

Edit - Nothing bad is happening in China --- Everything is fine .-. There's no need to worry - people are happy ..- China is peaceful .-. with peaceful history .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfyoy0/of_all_the_bad_things_that_are_happening_in_china/
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Why are Americans bad at geography?

Because the students who skipped class survived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfynlr/why_are_americans_bad_at_geography/
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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad....

Dad went off to buy a beer and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.
"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly?" Johnny asks, pointing.
Embarrassed, his mother looks away and mutters, "oh, don't worry about that, that's nothing."
Dad comes back and mom goes to the washroom.
Once the mommy goes, little Johnny asks, "Daddy, what's that long thing beneath the bull's belly?"
"That's the bull's cock, son." his dad answers. "He uses it to mount and fuck a cow."
"But mommy said it was nothing" replied Johnny.
Dad leans back with his hand behind his head and takes a sip of his beer. "Son..... I've spoiled that woman.... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfymtm/little_johnny_went_to_his_first_rodeo_with_his/
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Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.

Baste on a true story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfymak/coming_to_theaters_the_thrilling_tale_of_a_man/
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I had dinner in a restaurant on the moon.

It was good. But there was no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfym2p/i_had_dinner_in_a_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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What natural disaster benefits China?

Blizzard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfyk7e/what_natural_disaster_benefits_china/
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Free Hong Kong

With the purchase of a Hong Kong of equal or greater value.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfyjgm/free_hong_kong/
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One of my friends from Beijing is a huge Taylor Swift fan and asked me to suggest an album of her..

I told him to search for T.S.1989..
haven't heard from him ever since...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfyi6g/one_of_my_friends_from_beijing_is_a_huge_taylor/
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What happens when a Google employee breaks his arm?

He gets a Chrome Cast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfyazk/what_happens_when_a_google_employee_breaks_his_arm/
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I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfy809/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_the_calendar/
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In light of Blizzard Entertainments most recent PR plunder

They're digging their hole even deeper, some say they're even digging all the way to China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfy7t3/in_light_of_blizzard_entertainments_most_recent/
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This time last year I was depressed and miserable, but I've turned it around.

I'm now miserable and depressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfy478/this_time_last_year_i_was_depressed_and_miserable/
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This was a terrible day... first my ex got hit with by a bus

Then i lost my job as a bus driver...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfy2df/this_was_a_terrible_day_first_my_ex_got_hit_with/
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My wife bought condoms in a smaller size than she used to...

It was condom-cending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfy10s/my_wife_bought_condoms_in_a_smaller_size_than_she/
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Your Ex, her boyfriend and her lawyer all suddenly fall down from the balcony at the same time. Who will hit the floor first?

You don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfxy59/your_ex_her_boyfriend_and_her_lawyer_all_suddenly/
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Scientists are saying that this year was one of the warmest on record

Don't worry though, they say that every year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfxx19/scientists_are_saying_that_this_year_was_one_of/
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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation."
The seething dad says "You will pay all costs and provide for my daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, You will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, you give him a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. Is that clear?”
The man gets up to leave and declares “I’m very sorry sir, your daughter and I already had a deal before I laid a finger on her. I will miss her though. She is a very dedicated, young lepidopterist”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfxqwn/an_18_yearold_italian_girl_tells_her_mother_she/
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I mixed laxitives in with the Holy water today.

It started a religious movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfxqmi/i_mixed_laxitives_in_with_the_holy_water_today/
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I asked my wheelchair bound friend if he ever got tired of getting pushed around all the time

He said “Not really, I usually just roll with it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfxqa5/i_asked_my_wheelchair_bound_friend_if_he_ever_got/
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There are two things that never get old

Dark humour, and unvaccinated children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfxof7/there_are_two_things_that_never_get_old/
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I got fired from my job today, for helping a client.

Apparently, you aren't supposed to give ideas on how to die, when they call you at Suicide Helpline number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfxnv2/i_got_fired_from_my_job_today_for_helping_a_client/
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My wife and i have agreed to not have any Kids.

I'm not sure what they will think of that though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfxndw/my_wife_and_i_have_agreed_to_not_have_any_kids/
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I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfxmtl/i_wondered_why_the_frisbee_was_getting_bigger/
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An art student in Germany applies for a Fine Arts Academy.

The headmaster assures the student that his work is great, and his mind is exceptional.
But he tells the student the university has already received too many students for this year so unfortunately his application is denied.
The student grows a somber look on his face, leans in and says
“Remember what happened last time you fuckers didn’t let someone into Art School?”
And leaves with a scheming grin on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfxfhw/an_art_student_in_germany_applies_for_a_fine_arts/
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Studying waveforms as a dyslexic can be depressing.

When I can't calculat lambda, I just feel sinusoidal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfxfao/studying_waveforms_as_a_dyslexic_can_be_depressing/
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I went to the store and got arrested because of a simple misunderstanding.

When the lady at the register said strip down facing me, it turns out she was talking about my credit card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfxdxy/i_went_to_the_store_and_got_arrested_because_of_a/
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Glorious China is the greatest amd most respectful of human rights!!!!

Now that i have the attention of their self-praise seeking robot- free hong kong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfx8xb/glorious_china_is_the_greatest_amd_most/
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The time is midnight. Three vampires gather in a room.

The three vampires are arguing who is the strongest vampire. So, they decide to have a small competition to see who sucks more blood from humans. The first vampire stands up, and flies into the window of the hotel room. He returns back in an hour, his mouth stained with blood. The other two vampires ask: "How many?", and the first vampire responds:
\- Can you see that tree over there in the dark?
\- Yes, we can!
\- So, there is a small village hidden from the view behind the tree. I flew there, killed all men, sucked the blood of all women, and ate all children.
Then, the second vampire flies out of the window. He returns in an hour. His whole face, and upper chest stained with blood. The other two vampires ask: "How many?", and the second vampire responds:
\- Can you see that tree over there in the dark?
\- Yes, we can!
\- So, there is a large village hidden from the view behind the tree. I flew there, killed all men, sucked the blood of all women, and ate all children.
So, then the third vampire flies out of the window. A lot of time passes, and he returns much later at the dawn. His whole face is covered in blood, his shirt and trousers are also soaked in blood, and blood is dripping while he is landing on the floor. The other two amazed vampires ask him: "So how many?". The thirds vampire speaks tiredly:
\- Can you see that tree over there in the dark?
\- Yes, we can!
\- Good for you. And I couldn't...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfx8ij/the_time_is_midnight_three_vampires_gather_in_a/
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This is the first joke I remember my dad telling me

One day an American man was walking in a small Mexican village while on vacation, he didn't have a watch so he asked an old man who was in a barn sitting on a short stool busy with his work shoeing a donkey, the old man then grabs and lifts the donkeys balls and said "1:15", the American thinks he's crazy and walks on and asks someone else, they say the same thing. Later The man comes back with a watch to confirm it and asks the old man the time, again he grabs and lifts the donkeys balls and says the time and again he's right. The American is amazed so he asks "How can you tell the time by grabbing a donkeys balls?"
The old man lifts the balls, points at the wall and says "the clock is on the other side"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfx6ek/this_is_the_first_joke_i_remember_my_dad_telling/
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I told my friend to get Lost, and he seemed quite offended.

But I thought it was a pretty good series.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfx3pv/i_told_my_friend_to_get_lost_and_he_seemed_quite/
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I need answers

If bedbugs are named that because they’re found in beds, how did they get the name cockroach?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfx2xa/i_need_answers/
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My dad always told me "never hit a woman

...unless she's wearing leather"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfwqal/my_dad_always_told_me_never_hit_a_woman/
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Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?

Now he's a branch manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfwb7y/did_you_hear_about_the_lumberjack_who_got_a/
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What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfw51p/what_did_2_say_to_3_when_they_saw_6_act_like_an/
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I sincerely complimented someones moustache today....

And she bitch slapped the shit outta me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfw1lu/i_sincerely_complimented_someones_moustache_today/
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Five years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams to go out on a date with me. Today, after FINALLY working up the courage, I asked her to marry me!

She said no both times...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfw17a/five_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_to/
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A woman in her 50s was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight...

Her husband watches her for a while and asks," Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says," I don't care.I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old."
The husband said,"What did he say about your fifty-five-year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up" she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfw0fp/a_woman_in_her_50s_was_at_home_happily_jumping_on/
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A blonde goes up to a priest and asks,"Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?"

He replied,"Do you mean a choir?"
She snaps back,"Ok,acquire a church singing group."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfvyq6/a_blonde_goes_up_to_a_priest_and_asksdo_you_know/
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Don't spell "part" backwards.

It's a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfvqad/dont_spell_part_backwards/
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I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfvpso/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_the_calendar/
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*emailing dick pic

Computer: Insert file
Me: ok *browse the file
Computer: Try again
Me: *did it again
Computer: Try again
Me: *tries again
Computer: Harder!
Me: what?
Computer: what

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfvfl3/emailing_dick_pic/
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How do you make a snake cry?

Take away its rattle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfvdcb/how_do_you_make_a_snake_cry/
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So china is making phones without Google apps now

Guess it was always my way or the huawei
*i'm so sorry, I tried*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfvb2g/so_china_is_making_phones_without_google_apps_now/
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They took the Duracell bunny into custody today

He was charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfv90y/they_took_the_duracell_bunny_into_custody_today/
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For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.

I appreciate the sediment, but...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfv45c/for_my_birthday_my_friends_gave_me_a_bunch_of/
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My girlfriend dumped me, so i stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfv2fa/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_so_i_stole_her_wheelchair/
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Surprise encounter

I was on a trip to California and stopped for a coffee. I was startled by whom I saw behind the counter.
“Arnold Schwarzenegger, what are you doing here?”
“I’m a barista, baby!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfv1c2/surprise_encounter/
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Why was Heisenberg bad at sex?

Because when he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum. And when he found the momentum, he couldn't find the position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfv12r/why_was_heisenberg_bad_at_sex/
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My wife just said "are you even listening to me?"

What an odd way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfuvkd/my_wife_just_said_are_you_even_listening_to_me/
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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter,

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfup4p/a_man_just_assaulted_me_with_milk_cream_and_butter/
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Why don't they like cheese in Turkey?

Because they despise letting the Kurds have their way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfuc9g/why_dont_they_like_cheese_in_turkey/
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My local pizza place is struggling to stay afloat

They really knead the dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfu6dx/my_local_pizza_place_is_struggling_to_stay_afloat/
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If you "are what you eat" then gay man are dicks, lesbians are pussies and.... actually, you know what? I really shouldn't stereotype like that.

That would make me an ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfu4br/if_you_are_what_you_eat_then_gay_man_are_dicks/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money.  He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him.  The same shooter made his way into his room and murdered  his wife and three kids.  And somehow managed to evade the police.  Months after this incident, Ralph The same chicken who was in the hospital and witnessed his family getting killed, was finally released he had nothing to live for. He took up an Achol abuse for some time.  Until realizing what had to be done.  He began tracking down his family's killer. Each day he spent he became more and more closer to his wherabouts. and then finnaly he found him. As he arrived at the door he took one last deep breath, and stormed in.
After fighting against many of the dealers body gaurds, Ralph finally reached the notourius drug dealing murderer, Fog Horn Leg Horn. as a bloody Battle ensued, it was clear who would be the winner. As Ralph staggers out of the destroyed home, bloody yet victorious. He realized something.  All the tracking all the killing was in vain.  He realized thattaking Foghorn Leghorn
Life didn't and wouldn't bring his family back.  Finding himslef dumbfounded he began to trot, he head down to the field where the bad drug deal happend. Almost a year ago.  He took one last deep breath, looked at the stars, and took his first step into the road.  This was it he decided he would finally reunite with his family again once more.
As the headlights raced toward him, he heared his family in union whispering "your finally home Ralph, your finally home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfu3ri/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blowjob?

The blowjob. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfu2gi/which_one_doesnt_belong_eggs_your_wife_or_a/
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What do you call James Bond in a jacuzzi?

Bubble-0-7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dftypg/what_do_you_call_james_bond_in_a_jacuzzi/
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What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dftwtv/whats_the_downside_to_cumming_on_the_face_of_the/
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What's the difference between Martha Stewart and NASA??

Martha Stewart teaches cooks and NASA cooks teachers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfttcp/whats_the_difference_between_martha_stewart_and/
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What do you call a sentient bike that throws its rider off again and again?

A vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dftaxe/what_do_you_call_a_sentient_bike_that_throws_its/
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Why did God give us four cheeks?

He made an arse of the first two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dft2on/why_did_god_give_us_four_cheeks/
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My boss said if I see you browsing reddit again, I'll smash your head to the keyboard

I guess hejgfjucurbnfocndldpllkanabdvwcdcc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dft2fl/my_boss_said_if_i_see_you_browsing_reddit_again/
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Whenever I was a kid, my mom would make me eat my food by saying “here comes the choo-choo train!”

And I had to eat otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfszpd/whenever_i_was_a_kid_my_mom_would_make_me_eat_my/
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I just saw a play about a man with a broken leg...

the cast was terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfsxyh/i_just_saw_a_play_about_a_man_with_a_broken_leg/
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Doctor: Do you watch your husband's face during sex?

Lady: I did once, he looked very angry.
Doctor: Why?
Lady: Because he was watching from the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfsx7a/doctor_do_you_watch_your_husbands_face_during_sex/
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All my fellow redditors, are you today's date?

Cause you're all 10/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfsll5/all_my_fellow_redditors_are_you_todays_date/
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I so sick of russian dolls

they are full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfsl2z/i_so_sick_of_russian_dolls/
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A genie offered me either +10 million dollars or +10 IQ points. I took the +10 IQ points.

Damn I was stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfshff/a_genie_offered_me_either_10_million_dollars_or/
%
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

It’s simple meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfs0nv/most_people_have_32_teeth_some_have_10/
%
I dated an emotionally-inhibited woman who tried to become a phone sex worker

She had a lot of hangups.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfs02z/i_dated_an_emotionallyinhibited_woman_who_tried/
%
Why did my abusive dad cross the road?

Beats me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfrzqn/why_did_my_abusive_dad_cross_the_road/
%
Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products?

Because they can't afford health insurance in the US

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfrrbj/why_are_americans_so_obsessed_with_apple_products/
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10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.
"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack and receive our gifts of 72 virgins in the afterlife!!"
Months of planning go into the attack. They learn programming, coding, and they study western culture so they can fit in unnoticed for the attack.
The day comes. July 4th. The attack will happen at 12pm.
They all are granted a tour of the headquarters claiming to be a small technology company looking to learn how to build up their business.  They get to know some of the employees and learn about their lives outside of work. Trying to remember faces as they feel smug on the inside knowing what they are about to do.
After about two hours into the tour they are allowed a 20 minute restroom and smoke break.
They take their positions. Their leader gives them all the signal in their ear pieces. BOOM.
The whole building is destroyed. No one survives.
Slowly one by one as the terrorists open their eyes they are all blinded by an extremely bright white light. After a few minutes their eyes adjust and they are taking in their surroundings.  The afterlife.  Bright skies and a floor feeling like clouds. Their leader takes them to a gateway which is where they will meet their 72 virgins each. He opens the door slowly so they can embrace what they are about to view.
*GASP* one of the terrorists utters.
"What is this shit??" They all start yelling at their leader.
"These are all the people we just blew up!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfrhs1/10_isis_suicide_bombers_decided_to_blow_up_a/
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If PG&E goes through with the planned outage...

...then I guess we're powerless to stop them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfreru/if_pge_goes_through_with_the_planned_outage/
%
What does the Redditor say to the leprechaun?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfr0nq/what_does_the_redditor_say_to_the_leprechaun/
%
An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfr07c/an_18_yearold_italian_girl_tells_her_mother_she/
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I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,

50% of them will still be below average.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfr029/i_use_to_support_higher_spending_on_education_but/
%
Three guys are out fishing when Dave falls out of the boat and sinks like a stone.

The two left start panicking and pull in their rods but one is caught on something.
Pull him up,pull him up, they both heave till he is in the boat and not breathing.
I know mouth to mouth yells Steve and gets right down to business administering first aid to their fallen buddy Dave. After a couple of minutes Steve has to stop and throws up over the side of the boat.
Wow man I don't remember Dave having such bad breath...And why is he wearing a snowmobile suit????

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfqz23/three_guys_are_out_fishing_when_dave_falls_out_of/
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With the crisis in Northern California one could argue PG&E is utilizing its talents.

They are pulling a total power move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfqs7p/with_the_crisis_in_northern_california_one_could/
%
I pooped in the elevator today.

I'm taking that shit to the next level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfqq8v/i_pooped_in_the_elevator_today/
%
What was the hunter's favorite store?

Target

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfqpa1/what_was_the_hunters_favorite_store/
%
I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfqox8/i_just_saw_my_wife_walk_around_with_her_sexiest/
%
I know that "adios" means "bye" in Spanish, "au revoir" is "bye" in French, and "ciao" is "see you later" in Italian, but I've always wondered how you say "bye" in Japanese, Russian, and Icelandic.

I guess you could say I'm bye curious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfqojn/i_know_that_adios_means_bye_in_spanish_au_revoir/
%
I asked Siri why I was still single

She turned on the front camera

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfqj2z/i_asked_siri_why_i_was_still_single/
%
If you're worried about Trump starting WW3, don't be...

If the US starts the war they can't join three years late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfqi4r/if_youre_worried_about_trump_starting_ww3_dont_be/
%
How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfqfrb/how_do_you_know_that_the_toothbrush_was_invented/
%
While playing golf today I hit two good balls...

...I stepped on a rake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfqewm/while_playing_golf_today_i_hit_two_good_balls/
%
What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfqdnz/what_is_the_worst_combination_of_illnesses/
%
Why does KFC have no toilet paper?

Its finger lickin' good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfq7u7/why_does_kfc_have_no_toilet_paper/
%
I wore an antennae to my sister’s wedding the other day

The reception was much better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfq205/i_wore_an_antennae_to_my_sisters_wedding_the/
%
It's amazing that Peter Gabriel and Phil Collins both went solo back in the day

There was a real Exodus from Genesis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfprqg/its_amazing_that_peter_gabriel_and_phil_collins/
%
What’s the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish it dies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfpp9c/whats_the_difference_between_meat_and_fish/
%
I hate being a urologist.

My patients are always a bunch of dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfpnj2/i_hate_being_a_urologist/
%
A 50 year old lady gets botox.

A 50 something year old wakes up one morning and decides she doesn't like the way she looks so she gets botox.
While out grocery shopping she asks the cashier how old he thinks she is.
"oh i dont know.. Late 20s?"
"Brilliant" she says, "im actually 50! "
Later on while clothes shopping she asks another cashier the same questions and recieves a similar answer and walks away pleased as punch.
Standing at the bus stop she decides to ask one last man.
The man says "i have a sure fire way to get an exact age! But it requires me to fondle your breasts."
The woman scoffs at first but then is curious to know if he really can so she agrees.
After some feeling around he proclaims "ive got it, your 50!"
"How on earth did you guess that?!"
"Easy, i was stood behind you at the Grocery store!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfpe7d/a_50_year_old_lady_gets_botox/
%
On my Bucket list:

1. Pail
2. Mop Bucket
3. Ice Bucket
4. Car Washing Bucket
5. Climb Mt. Everest
6. Livestock Bucket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfpbke/on_my_bucket_list/
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Ask Your Mother

A mother and her young son were flying on Virgin Australia, from Brisbane to Melbourne. The son turned to his mother and asked: “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?”
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant: “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, how come big planes don't have baby planes?”
The flight attendant responded: “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
The boy admitted that this was the case.
“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Virgin Australia always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfp59h/ask_your_mother/
%
I’m Not Gay

My boyfriend is though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfp4h1/im_not_gay/
%
[LONG] A Man Gets Arrested

He gets introduced to his cell mate and they talk for a bit, turns out his cell mate has been here longer than anyone. After a while, someone in their cell block shouts "14!". A couple people giggle at this. The man ignores it, assuming it's some inside joke he won't understand for a while. After some more time, another person shouts "20!" followed by some laughter. This time he asks his cell mate about it.
"We've heard the same jokes too many times so we assigned them numbers and just remember the jokes. It saves a lot of time."
After another hour or so, someone shouts "7!" followed by "23!" "16!" "31!". People keep shouting numbers and the entire cell block starts laughing out loud. This goes on for a couple minutes before everything dies down. The new guy decides to try copying them, so he shouts "64!" The entire cell block explodes in laughter, louder than he's ever heard before. His cell mate starts laughing and says:
"That was good, never heard that one before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfp23j/long_a_man_gets_arrested/
%
My girlfriend is upset that there’s no female equivalent of a “justice boner.”

I think she’s suffering from subpoenas envy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfp1ys/my_girlfriend_is_upset_that_theres_no_female/
%
Two ghosts are arguing

And one says, "Don't lie to me, I can see right through you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfp0yy/two_ghosts_are_arguing/
%
A chicken can jump higher than Empire state building...

It's true because buildings can't jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfozhj/a_chicken_can_jump_higher_than_empire_state/
%
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?

Or do you have to spread them apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfoyj2/is_buttcheeks_spelled_as_one_word/
%
I tried to invent the first watch that was located on your belt buckle

It was a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfouyc/i_tried_to_invent_the_first_watch_that_was/
%
Have you heard about all the feline deaths on Mars recently?

Yeah, apparently Curiosity kills cats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfos5c/have_you_heard_about_all_the_feline_deaths_on/
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After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young beautiful woman ..

and now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.
“I'm all for spending time with you but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”
Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person.
The elderly man promptly acted on their advise and leased a room in his house to a young tenant.
The friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, “How is your wife now?”
The old man said - she is not lonely at all, in fact she is happy and is pregnant.
The friends laughed, as they expected this. “How is the tenant?” they asked.
The man replied very calmly
“She is pregnant as well”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dforin/after_the_death_of_his_wife_an_elderly_man/
%
Why was Gandalf hunched over and stressed out?

He was short-staffed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfooan/why_was_gandalf_hunched_over_and_stressed_out/
%
You guys hear that Trump’s not going to participate in his impeachment inquiry?

I heard he got phone spurs.
(Credit to Colbert)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfoo79/you_guys_hear_that_trumps_not_going_to/
%
Three elderly sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

.
.
.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath tub?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of tea.
Listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says to herself, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you senile old duds, as soon as I see who's at the front door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfokvz/three_elderly_sisters_aged_92_94_and_96_live_in_a/
%
Two cannibals meet one day.

The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ah!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfoiam/two_cannibals_meet_one_day/
%
A businessman is sitting on a park bench in his hometown.

A well-dressed buxom blonde woman walks up and sits down next to him, looks at him, and says “Hey, I know you! You’re the father of one of my kids.”
The businessman doesn’t remember her so he starts going back through his memory of all the women he’s ever had sex with. Finally he remembers a buxom blonde. “I remember you now! You were at the swingers’ party at the Ericson’s five years ago! We had sex twice and you kept asking me to spank you!”
The woman looks at him oddly and says “No, I’m your son Greg’s sixth grade teacher.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfobe2/a_businessman_is_sitting_on_a_park_bench_in_his/
%
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had drinks.Cool guy,wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfoasu/my_wife_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out_instead_of/
%
Interviewer: "What is your spirit animal?"

"My spirit animal is not having one because I'm not Native American and I haven't been on a spirit journey.
What you mean is 'what is your fursona?'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfo8yy/interviewer_what_is_your_spirit_animal/
%
What do you call it when you get two extra chromosomes instead of one?

Doubling down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfo2p4/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_two_extra/
%
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfnzni/bob_was_in_trouble_he_forgot_his_wedding/
%
Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell someone they're vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfnsu4/why_did_the_vegan_cross_the_road/
%
Synesthesia Toast Cruch!

The taste you can see!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfneh4/synesthesia_toast_cruch/
%
A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfmznu/a_programers_wife_sends_him_to_the_market_and/
%
WONKA: Congratulations Charlie! My chocolate empire is yours

CHARLIE: That’s wondrous!
WONKA: Now, first thing will be handling this PR crisis.
CHARLIE: Wait, wha-
WONKA: A lot of kids just died in your factory, Charlie. And there’s a rumor that you apparently own slaves?
https://mobile.twitter.com/WenzlerPowers/status/1181625842885124096?s=20&utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfmtj5/wonka_congratulations_charlie_my_chocolate_empire/
%
What do you call a molecular ring of six Iron atoms?

A Ferris Wheel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfmstc/what_do_you_call_a_molecular_ring_of_six_iron/
%
What are the pros and cons of a test?

Protest and contest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfmpnq/what_are_the_pros_and_cons_of_a_test/
%
My boyfriend wants to do doggy style.

He's been on my ass about it all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfmph0/my_boyfriend_wants_to_do_doggy_style/
%
The three hardest things to say in life are:

1. I was wrong
2. I need help
3. Worcestershire sauce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfmp1o/the_three_hardest_things_to_say_in_life_are/
%
Cardi B has a son and he’s a car salesman

His name was Cardi Laship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfmotg/cardi_b_has_a_son_and_hes_a_car_salesman/
%
What do you call a slut with tangled hair?

A knotty, knotty girl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfmmxg/what_do_you_call_a_slut_with_tangled_hair/
%
When I die, I want my remains scattered at Disneyland.

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfmkkk/when_i_die_i_want_my_remains_scattered_at/
%
A series of dots and dashes is Morse code.

A series of sobs and tears is re-Morse  code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfmdlw/a_series_of_dots_and_dashes_is_morse_code/
%
How do you organise a war between Earth and Mars?

Planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfm6a0/how_do_you_organise_a_war_between_earth_and_mars/
%
Impeachsicle

In 1974, to celebrate the impending impeachment and eventual resignation of Richard Nixon, Good Humor created a Popsicle for the occasion.  They somehow managed to make it Richard Nixon flavored.  It sold quite well to all the heterosexual females and homosexual males, but didn't get much traction with heterosexual males or lesbians.  A consumer opinions panel aimed to find out why.  One Lesbian stated it succinctly; "It tastes like Dick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfm5sv/impeachsicle/
%
One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -
BUMP,
BUMP,
BUMP.
The man, terrified for his life, turned and started running. Behind him, the coffin came faster
BUMP,
BUMP,
BUMP!
Ahead of him, there was a branch that had fallen from a tree. He reached down and grabbed it as he ran by. Still running, he turned and threw it over his shoulder at the coffin - but it just splintered when it hit the coffin and the coffin continued coming faster
BUMPITY BUMP,
BUMPITY BUMP,
BUMPITY BUMP!
The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. His splitting axe was resting against his woodpile so he snagged it, turned, and gave a mighty two-handed throw sending it end over end right at the coffin.
SMASH! -
The axe shattered on the unnaturally strong wood of the coffin and it continued after him.The man dashed in his house, but the coffin crashed through the front door. The man ran upstairs and grabbed his shotgun off the wall display.
He blasted the coffin with both barrels, but the shot bounced harmlessly off the coffin as it continued up the stairs
BUMP,
CLOMP,
BUMP,
CLOMP!
The man, desperate and scared to death, jumped into the bathroom and locked the door - knowing it would do no good. The coffin Banged against the door, once ..., twice ..., and on the third time, the door exploded and the coffin came forward.
In desperation the man reached out his hand and grabbed whatever he could. All that was there was a bottle of cough syrup so he threw it at the coffin.
The bottle shattered, cough syrup covered the coffin from top to bottom
and the coffin stopped...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfm41b/one_rainy_windy_night_a_man_was_walking_home/
%
I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and in return I am promised 10 fold. What does he think I am a fool?

I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week. Sucker can’t scam me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfm3zm/i_got_an_email_from_a_nigerian_prince_asking_me/
%
A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn't suffer.

It was instant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfm0ph/a_factory_worker_died_today_after_falling_into_a/
%
Did you hear about the celebrity gunman?

He was a real shooting star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dflvae/did_you_hear_about_the_celebrity_gunman/
%
Lately, I've been really afraid of elevators.

I've been taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dflqbh/lately_ive_been_really_afraid_of_elevators/
%
I have the heart of a lion!

and also a lifetime ban at the San Diego zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfloih/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
We have a saying in Morocco that goes, " Every Moroccan will go to heaven."

Because nobody goes to hell twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dflm05/we_have_a_saying_in_morocco_that_goes_every/
%
Hi, my name is Richard...

..but I go by Penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dflbcp/hi_my_name_is_richard/
%
I was lying in my bed, staring at the stars.

I wondered, “Where the frick is my ceiling?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfl0ug/i_was_lying_in_my_bed_staring_at_the_stars/
%
A nerdy high school kid walks into a pub.

He asks the bartender, who happens to be his uncle, can I get something to eat? “Sure, we’ve a terrific red grape clam chowder.” He says handing a bowl to the kid.
“This is amazing!” The kid beams as he eats.
The door suddenly opens and a man in an ugly green mask sits down at the bar. The masked man scoffs, then says loudly “I didn’t know you let wimps like this kid eat here. Must be Wimp Charity Day”
Calmly the nerdy kid finishes his chowder and walks over to the man in the mask. Leaning in close, he whispers a retort in his ear so vulgar and intimidating the man in the mask falls to the floor and scrambles out of the pub as fast as he can.
The nerdy kid looks over at his uncle in absolute amazement, “I don’t know what came over me!”
The uncle replies “Well it’s true what they say. With Grape Chowder comes great response ability”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfkzx7/a_nerdy_high_school_kid_walks_into_a_pub/
%
A blonde gets a new job

and at lunch time notices a coworker with a thermos.  She asks him what it is.  He says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold!"  The blonde is impressed so she gets one and brings it in the next day.  Her coworker notices and says, "Oh I see you got a thermos of your own, what's in it?"
She says "Half a pot of coffee and three scoops of ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfkymf/a_blonde_gets_a_new_job/
%
Last night, a burglar broke into my house and started looking for money

I woke up, switched on the lights and helped him look.
Despite our best efforts, we didn’t find any money at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfkm69/last_night_a_burglar_broke_into_my_house_and/
%
And then the 96th little pig built his house out of depleted uranium

And the wolf was like "dude what the fuck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfki51/and_then_the_96th_little_pig_built_his_house_out/
%
A book just fell on my head...

... I've only got my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfkhkg/a_book_just_fell_on_my_head/
%
What do Kermit the frog and Henry the 8th have in common?

They have the same middle name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfk86u/what_do_kermit_the_frog_and_henry_the_8th_have_in/
%
I was playing chess with my girlfriend and she said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.

So we stopped playing chess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfk3x3/i_was_playing_chess_with_my_girlfriend_and_she/
%
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

I can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfk323/just_spent_300_on_a_limousine_and_discovered_that/
%
My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfjyuj/my_girlfriend_just_emailed_me/
%
Spanish dad: I'm leaving for the city

Spanish son: ciudad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfjwh1/spanish_dad_im_leaving_for_the_city/
%
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfjw52/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_forest_and_no_one_is/
%
What does Blizzard the NBA and eating pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfjv5m/what_does_blizzard_the_nba_and_eating_pussy_have/
%
A blonde walks into a library and orders a burger and fries

the librarian says, “excuse me, but this is a library!”
the blonde then quietly whispers, “i’m sorry - can i have a burger and fries?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfjp5e/a_blonde_walks_into_a_library_and_orders_a_burger/
%
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes - so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle - how does it know?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfjne9/an_engineer_a_physicist_a_mathematician_and_a/
%
If you want to impress a date, don't tell them you use AdBlock

I installed it the other day and now none of the hot singles even want to talk to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfjiem/if_you_want_to_impress_a_date_dont_tell_them_you/
%
TIL when China ended the one-child policy in 2015 there was actually a significant rise in adolescent euthanasia.

Sorry, youth in Asia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfj9pz/til_when_china_ended_the_onechild_policy_in_2015/
%
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday

It's going to be one of those days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfj6ma/monday_tuesday_wednesday_thursday_friday_saturday/
%
Our family was so poor when I was growing up

If I hadn’t been a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfiz25/our_family_was_so_poor_when_i_was_growing_up/
%
Where does a man-splainer get his water from?

From a well, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfiy3f/where_does_a_mansplainer_get_his_water_from/
%
How can you tell that an axe thrower loves his assistant?

He misses her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfixwx/how_can_you_tell_that_an_axe_thrower_loves_his/
%
Did you hear the joke about the farmer?

nevermind, it's too corny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfis6m/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_farmer/
%
A woman walks into an ice cream shop

And orders a chocolate ice cream. The young man assisting her kindly informs her they are a unique ice cream shop and only sell two flavors, Vanilla and Strawberry.
She replies rudely, “Well this is news to me so I’ll obviously need more time to decide.”
She’s staring at the menu with two listed items.10-15 minutes pass. The young man is somewhat annoyed and baffled since there are only two options. “Ma’am do you need any help deciding?”
She boldly and confidently says “No, I know what I want. I will have the Chocolate ice cream.”
The young man doesn’t fly off the handle but instead has a smartass grin from ear to ear and asks, “Ma’am how do you spell the “Straw in Strawberry”?
“Oh that’s easy, S-T-R-A-W”
Young man then asks, “How do you spell the VAN in Vanilla?”
“That’s even easier! V-A-N!”, she replied.
Young man then asks, “How do you spell the “FUCK” in Chocolate?”.
The woman laughs at him and yells, “You dumbass, there is no “Fuck” in Chocolate!
Young man replies, “You’re damn right. THERE’S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE SO GET THE FUCK OUT!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfih91/a_woman_walks_into_an_ice_cream_shop/
%
What's Chinas favourite type of weather

A Blizzard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfif03/whats_chinas_favourite_type_of_weather/
%
I don't understand why women get so upset if there's a little bit of piss on the seat

I paid for this bus ticket and I can do what I want!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfi9b2/i_dont_understand_why_women_get_so_upset_if/
%
Why can't priests take Viagra?

On the label of the box it says to keep away from children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfi4gc/why_cant_priests_take_viagra/
%
What is the difference between an astronomer and an astrologer?

About 50 IQ points.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfi3ot/what_is_the_difference_between_an_astronomer_and/
%
Why do Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee?

Because in space, no one here use cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfi2e3/why_do_russian_cosmonauts_only_drink_black_coffee/
%
I used to hate school as a kid

My mother would always tell me: you should enjoy school. One day, you'll have to work for a living.
No I won't mom, I'm gonna be a comedian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfi17e/i_used_to_hate_school_as_a_kid/
%
So I bought a pocket printer.

So happy I can finally print my own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfhyc4/so_i_bought_a_pocket_printer/
%
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn't find me attractive,

they'd eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfhx5c/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_didnt_find/
%
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfhtqi/when_i_die_i_want_to_die_like_my_grandfather_who/
%
A problem with Communism jokes

They're only funny if everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfht8o/a_problem_with_communism_jokes/
%
What do you call a fascist that lost their glasses?

A Not-See

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfht55/what_do_you_call_a_fascist_that_lost_their_glasses/
%
I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.

But unfortunately my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfhht2/i_wanted_to_buy_a_hockey_stadium/
%
Why should you never listen to atoms?

Because they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfh9ty/why_should_you_never_listen_to_atoms/
%
A rich man threw a party and invited the entire neighborhood...

In his backyard, in front of his lavish pool, he said to all party-goers, "In my pool are 10 alligators and 10 sharks.  If anyone dare swim across, I will bestow them with anything their heart desires."
Not too long after that, a man is seen swimming frantically across the pool and manages to pull himself out at the other end.
The homeowner says to the man, "You are the bravest person I have ever come across.  What is it that I can give you for your daring act?"
The soaking wet man says, "The one thing that I would like most is... the name of the person who pushed me in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfh5w0/a_rich_man_threw_a_party_and_invited_the_entire/
%
What does a clock do when it's hungry?

Goes back four seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfh495/what_does_a_clock_do_when_its_hungry/
%
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table.

I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfgy2a/i_was_sitting_on_my_own_in_a_restaurant_when_i/
%
A woman goes to a relationship therapist

After some discussion, he asks, “Do you look at your husband’s face during sex?”
She replies, “I did once, he was looking very angry though.”
“Why?”
“Cause he was looking through the window.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfgqj0/a_woman_goes_to_a_relationship_therapist/
%
Three pregnant women knitting sweaters for their unborn kids.

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their unborn kids. The first woman says “I hope my baby is a boy, I’m using blue wool”. The second woman says “I’m hoping for a girl, my sweater is pink”. The third woman says quietly “Weeeelllll, I hope my kid is deformed..I’ve fucked up the arms!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfglp1/three_pregnant_women_knitting_sweaters_for_their/
%
Three dumb blondes walk into a bar carrying a jigsaw puzzle.

They begin chanting "31 days! 31 days!" as they enter the bar. Confused, the bartender asks them what they mean.
"Well," One of them says, "the box of this puzzle said '5 to 8 years' but we finished it in 31 days!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfglb1/three_dumb_blondes_walk_into_a_bar_carrying_a/
%
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?
Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.
Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.
Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married?
Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.”
Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfgjhb/teacher_billy_if_there_are_5_bird_on_a_fence_and/
%
Two Jewish guys go to a Kosher Chinese restaurant.

Their Chinese waiter greeted them in Yiddish, took their order in Yiddish, made small talk with them in Yiddish, gave their order in Yiddish, and took their bill in Yiddish.
On their way out, the two guys tell the restaurant owner what a pleasant surprise it was for them be able to talk with the Chinese waiter in Yiddish. The owner responds:
"Shh, don't tell him. He thinks he's learning English."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfgizt/two_jewish_guys_go_to_a_kosher_chinese_restaurant/
%
I’ve become a millionaire shortly after marriage!

I used to be a billionaire before getting married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfgi9n/ive_become_a_millionaire_shortly_after_marriage/
%
In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer.  Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming.  They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.
The first round was easy.  After all, the son had been training for years, and had the best coach in the nation.  But, by the time things progressed to the quarterfinals, his times didn't look good.  Michael's son was in dead last.
"Dad, I don't think I'm going to win this one.  I'm sorry." he said.
"Have no fear, son.  I swam in tournaments for years.  I know a few tricks." replied Michael.
"Tricks? Like cheating?" inquired the son.
"No, nothing like that." said Michael.  "It's all about aerodynamics.  For example, your swim trunks are medium sized.  Go into the locker room and change into a small.  You'll be more streamlined and go faster."
The boy did as instructed, and proceeded to the quarterfinals.  The gun went off, the race started, and the son finished his heat and was able to advance to the semifinals... but only, just barely.
"Well, Dad, I think that helped, but I think I'm doomed.  Even with the extra speed, I can never win the semifinals".
"Son, I know another trick.  It's all about aerodynamics.  Your noseplugs-- they're too big.  Switch your current ones out for a smaller size.  It will reduce the drag on your face in the water and give you a little speed boost."
Again, the boy did as he was told, proceeding to the semifinals with smaller nose plugs.  Once again, the gun went off, the race started, and the son finished his heat and was surprised to find that he was able to advance to the finals... but only, just barely.
"Dad, thank you for all you've done for me.  But, I think I'm doomed.  There's no way I can win now.  I think we're all out of tricks."
"Not so, son.  I have one last trick.  It's all about aerodynamics.  You wear a size medium swimming cap.  Take it off and wear a smaller size.  It will make you more streamlined and get your blood flowing better.  If you do this, you have a really good chance of winning."
The boy did as instructed.  Once again, the gun went off.  The final race began.  The son started out with a massive lead, but then, something unexpected happened.  The son made it halfway through the pool when he unexpectedly started rolling sideways, and then started bobbing up and down like a cork in the water.
"Oh no!" Michael said.  "Capsize!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfggn7/in_celebration_of_my_cake_day_heres_a_terrible/
%
I failed Maths so many times in school,

I can't even Count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfgez1/i_failed_maths_so_many_times_in_school/
%
Anti-vaxers are caring, compassionate people . .

. . . and they love their kids to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfgefr/antivaxers_are_caring_compassionate_people/
%
How come when my son does something good, my wife says he's HER son...

But when he burns down his school, suddenly it's "*our* son"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfgcqg/how_come_when_my_son_does_something_good_my_wife/
%
What did the Cannibal say after he dumped his girlfriend?

Nothing, he just wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfg9qi/what_did_the_cannibal_say_after_he_dumped_his/
%
Why are blind people too hard to joke around with?

They’re too touchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfg849/why_are_blind_people_too_hard_to_joke_around_with/
%
A ventriloquist was doing his gig at a nightclub...

A blonde stands up and begins to protest. She says,"Hey knock it off with the dumb blonde jokes.We're not all that stupid I'll have you know. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work,in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person."
Embarrassed the ventriloquist tries to apologize but the blond interrupts yelling,"You stay out of this mister,I'm talking to that little creep on your knee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfg7y3/a_ventriloquist_was_doing_his_gig_at_a_nightclub/
%
So I bought a burglar alarm.

Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfg7gy/so_i_bought_a_burglar_alarm/
%
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfg3pu/my_nerdy_friend_just_got_a_phd_on_the_history_of/
%
If only more game companies acted like blizzard.

I could probably kick my gaming addiction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfg2l5/if_only_more_game_companies_acted_like_blizzard/
%
My friend told me his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away..

I don't know. I guess it seems a little far fetched to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfg0ff/my_friend_told_me_his_dog_could_retrieve_a_stick/
%
A boy calls 911…

A boy calls 911.
Boy: Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dffv48/a_boy_calls_911/
%
What do you call an Irishman with nothing to lose?

An Irishman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dffslv/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_with_nothing_to_lose/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dffrxy/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
I always thought people treated me like a god.

They ignore my existance unless they need something from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dffivl/i_always_thought_people_treated_me_like_a_god/
%
A mathematician starts to get dangerously underweight, so he goes to the dietitian.

The dietitian diagnoses him with anorexia and tells him to try to eat three square meals a day.
Well, now he's dangerously overweight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dffcji/a_mathematician_starts_to_get_dangerously/
%
I'm a bad electrician

And when people find out, they're so shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dffbfx/im_a_bad_electrician/
%
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.....

I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dffb56/statistics_show_that_1_out_of_3_people_in_a/
%
A man walked outside to get his newspaper only to find his neighbor hopping off his horse, walking behind him, picking up his tail,and kissing him right where the sun don't shine...

He couldn't believe what he had just witnessed so he decided to walk over and see if his suspicions were correct."Good morning Bill."He says.
"Howdy Frank,what brings you by?"
"Well,I'm not sure I had witnessed what I had just witnessed."
"And what might that be?"
"Well,it looked like you walk behind your horse lifted up his tail and kissed him right there on the asshole."
"Oh yeah,that.Well I  have chapped lips Bill replies."
Frank continues."Well,does that heal them?"
Bill answers,"I don't know about that but it sure keeps me from licking them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dff8ea/a_man_walked_outside_to_get_his_newspaper_only_to/
%
What do World Of Warcraft and China have in common?

In both there's tanks used to take down mobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dff675/what_do_world_of_warcraft_and_china_have_in_common/
%
So a guy and a girl are making out and begin having sex on the hood of her Honda civic, suddenly the man stops.

He said, im sorry i can only only have sex on my own Accord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dff5hh/so_a_guy_and_a_girl_are_making_out_and_begin/
%
Why do bagpipe players always walk when they play?

To get away from the noise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dff3zk/why_do_bagpipe_players_always_walk_when_they_play/
%
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father

"Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"
The dad replies, "Why do you want to know, son?"
"Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dff2pz/a_black_jewish_boy_runs_home_from_school_one_day/
%
I punched the Mailman the other day

He had the audacity to tell me I had a small package

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfev52/i_punched_the_mailman_the_other_day/
%
How to confuse a Non-Aussie

There's nothing like having a golden gay time beside the pool on a hot day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dferrt/how_to_confuse_a_nonaussie/
%
My friend is sexually attracted to inanimate objects, and we rarely get to see him nowadays.

He always has stuff to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfeq08/my_friend_is_sexually_attracted_to_inanimate/
%
Pedro gets a New Secretary.

He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband’s roving eye.
Dora (Pedro's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?"
Pedro: “Didn’t quite notice."
Dora: "What color are her eyes?"
Pedro: “Haven’t had the time to check."
Dora: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon ?"
Pedro: “Not a clue in the world."
Dora: "Does she wear matte, glossy or frosted lipstick?”
Pedro: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t  know.”
Dora: "How does she dress?"
Pedro: "Very quickly”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfephp/pedro_gets_a_new_secretary/
%
Who can defeat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfelrp/who_can_defeat_captain_america/
%
I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfehsh/i_had_a_really_weird_dream_last_night_i_was/
%
A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink.

Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place.
All of a sudden he hears a voice say, "Nice suit."
He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses.
A little while later the same voice says, "Nice tie."
The guy looks around again and doesn't see anyone. He finally asks the bartender if he just said something.
"No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. It was probably the peanuts though. They're complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfee1k/a_guy_goes_into_the_bar_and_sits_down_and_orders/
%
Have you heard the one about the butter?

I can't tell it to you, I'm afraid you might spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfebu4/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_butter/
%
eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfe8ud/ebay_is_so_useless/
%
Just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfe86x/just_burned_2000_calories/
%
[Dad pun] What did the police officer say to the tired robber?

Looks like you need arrest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfe79s/dad_pun_what_did_the_police_officer_say_to_the/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla comes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfdurq/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My German relatives brought me endless sausages.

Now I don't know where to start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfdr5k/my_german_relatives_brought_me_endless_sausages/
%
It do be like that

What do you call a disabled paedophile?
A creepy crawly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfdnma/it_do_be_like_that/
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Mental asylum

Dude walks by the mental asylum and hears a person screaming "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!!!"
He thinks nothing of it and walks on. Later that same day when he's returning he hears the same voice screaming again "thirteen, thirteen!!!"
Then he sees a small hole in the wall and decides to take peak. When he looks through the hole the person inside pokes him in his eye with a stick and starts screaming "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfdhrr/mental_asylum/
%
Dark humor is like food.

Not everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfdgi1/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfdg8n/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
%
A bar walks into a man

Oh, how the turns table!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfd7dx/a_bar_walks_into_a_man/
%
The Queen of the Nile liked to show some leg

but Nefertiti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfd2xp/the_queen_of_the_nile_liked_to_show_some_leg/
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Old Henny Youngman joke

Two old schoolmates who hadn’t seen each other in decades meet up on the street
Bob asks George, “What’s new?”
George: “I’ve been married three times and all three of my wives have died.”
Bob: “All three died...how?”
George:  “My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms. My second wife died from eating poison mushrooms. My third wife died from a blow to the head.”
Bob: “A blow to the head?”
George: “Ya.  She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfd1rh/old_henny_youngman_joke/
%
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China

He says he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfd1iv/i_asked_my_chinese_friend_what_its_like_living_in/
%
A young lady is set to be the first woman to orgasm on the peak of Mount Everest.

Reports say that she'll be coming round the mountain when she cums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfd0iz/a_young_lady_is_set_to_be_the_first_woman_to/
%
A man with a dog walks into a bar.

Guy says to the bartender: "If I show you my talking dog, will you give a round on the house?"
Bartender: "Okay. But prove it."
Guy: "Spot, what's a four letter word that starts with 'R'?"
Dog: "ROOF!"
Bartender: "That's not really talking."
Guy: "Ok. Spot, what's the thing that goes on top of a house that keeps the rain out?"
Dog: "RRRROOF!"
Bartender: "Nope."
Guy: "Spot, what's the name of the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"
Dog: "ROOF!"
Bouncer tosses guy and dog out of the bar.
Dog: "Maybe I should have said, DiMaggio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfcz2n/a_man_with_a_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If the Earth is our mother...

then I bet our dad is gravity, because he keeps grounding us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfcz01/if_the_earth_is_our_mother/
%
A young First Nations boy goes to his father to ask how he got his name.

The wise father tells his son that it is the custom of their people to name their children for what they see in nature immediately after birth.
The father says, “when your sister was born we saw a deer running through the forest and so we named her Running Deer.  And when your brother was born, we saw an eagle and so we named him Soaring Eagle.”
The father asks, “does that help you to understand?”  The boy says, “yes and thank you.”
And the father replies, “you’re welcome Two Dogs Fucking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfcumt/a_young_first_nations_boy_goes_to_his_father_to/
%
When I was 15, I was a lost cause

I would constantly get in trouble with school teachers, policemen, really any kind of authority figure.
One day, my father had enough of it.
He told me that I had two options: either to change my ways, or to sleep on the roof until I decided to change. I considered choosing the former option, but I chose the ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfcssn/when_i_was_15_i_was_a_lost_cause/
%
I'm always looking out for people less fortunate than me.

I don't want them to rob me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfcosp/im_always_looking_out_for_people_less_fortunate/
%
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket?

Officer: It was a moving violation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfcm0i/me_officer_are_you_actually_crying_while_youre/
%
Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I'm not even Joe King!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfc9to/stephen_king_has_a_son_named_joe/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfc8bt/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
An atheist and a pastor are playing around of golf

The atheist is new to the game of golf and therefore is inexperienced unlike the pastor.
On the first hole the atheist misses and shouts “GOD DAMM IT I missed!” And the pastor being a pastor tells him not to use the lords name in vain.
On the second hole the atheist misses and again shouts “GOD DAMM IT I missed!” And the pastor says again not to use the lords name in vain.
On every hole the atheist misses and shouts “GOD DAMM IT I missed!”
The pastor and the atheist get to the last hole and the atheist misses again and he shouts again “GOD DAMM IT I missed!” And then out of nowhere a bolt of lightning strikes down the pastor killing him and the atheist hears from above “God damm it I missed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfc7bu/an_atheist_and_a_pastor_are_playing_around_of_golf/
%
What did Freddie Mercury say when he got sent to prison?

"I want to break free!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfc0ne/what_did_freddie_mercury_say_when_he_got_sent_to/
%
Who is China's favorite NBA team?

[REDACTED]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfbwqk/who_is_chinas_favorite_nba_team/
%
A Jewish Man Sends His Son Away

He sends him on a pilgrimage to Israel. Three months pass and the man is confused when his son is not wearing a Yamakah. The son informs the man that he has converted to Christianity.
Dumbfounded, the man goes to his friend (also Jewish) and tells him of his son. His friend replies, "How interesting. I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. The two then go to the synagogue to seek answers.
They meet the Rabbi and ask him why their sons have converted. The Rabbi responds, "Weird. I also sent my son on a pilgrimage to Israel and he has renounced his Judaism in favor of Christianity. The three are confused, and decide to pray to God himself. They asked him why their sons have left Judaism
They spend hours praying, until they hear from God himself up from above. In his echoey voice, he says, "Funny you ask that, I too sent my son to Israel...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfbtme/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_away/
%
I asked my French friend if he owned a videogame console

He replied: “Wii”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfbqji/i_asked_my_french_friend_if_he_owned_a_videogame/
%
What do you get when you mix alcohol with literature

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfbp3k/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_alcohol_with/
%
I miss my fake girlfriend...

She left because I lack imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfbcw4/i_miss_my_fake_girlfriend/
%
Jose offered a prostitute $20 for sex . . .

“No way!”  ho say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfb6x2/jose_offered_a_prostitute_20_for_sex/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfb3ai/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Tentacles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfaqun/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
My therapist asked me if I was experiencing any dark thoughts recently

I assured him that I only date white women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfaoug/my_therapist_asked_me_if_i_was_experiencing_any/
%
(NSFW) What is seamen's favorite animal?

A swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfaodz/nsfw_what_is_seamens_favorite_animal/
%
Bob Ross said "We don't make mistakes. We just have happy accidents."

So, either he lied and my parents made a mistake or I'm an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfal9s/bob_ross_said_we_dont_make_mistakes_we_just_have/
%
While making a delivery to the proctologist’s office....

I was waiting for the doctor to sign for his package. When he finally came out of the back, he reached for his coat pocket for a pen, but instead pulled out a rectal thermometer. He just stared at it for a moment with a puzzled look on his face and said:
“Well....I guess some asshole has my pen!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfahu1/while_making_a_delivery_to_the_proctologists/
%
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in the bushes?

See just how good he is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfafkn/have_you_ever_seen_an_elephant_hiding_in_the/
%
A mama cow had three baby calves.

Her first calf, named Sunlight, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Sunlight?"
Her mom replied, "When you were born, a ray of sunlight landed on your head."
Her second calf, named Butterfly, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Butterfly?"
Her mom replied, "When you were born, a butterfly landed on your head."
Finally, her third calf, Cinderblock, came up to her and said, "Hhhhhrrrrrrruuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhh".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfadqh/a_mama_cow_had_three_baby_calves/
%
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfadet/the_protests_in_hong_kong_have_been_continuous/
%
What's it called when your backpack messes up your spine?

schooliosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfa5tk/whats_it_called_when_your_backpack_messes_up_your/
%
It's my cake day, and in celebration I am giving away all my dead batteries,

Free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfa5h5/its_my_cake_day_and_in_celebration_i_am_giving/
%
Abby went to christian school...

But she was always sleeping because it was so boring. One day, the teacher called on her.
"Abby, what do we call Him?"
Abby didn't stir. However, Little Jimmy came to the rescue and poked her in the back with a pencil
Abby cried out, "GOD ALMIGHTY"
"Very good Abby" the teacher said.
Abby fell asleep again. A little while later, the teacher asked,
"Abby, who is the savior?"
Little Jimmy to the rescue yet again.
"JESUS CHRIST," Abby screamed as Jim poked her.
"Correct!"
A little bit later, Abby was asleep again and the teacher said,
"Abby, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?"
Abby didnt move.
*poke*
"I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF YOU PUT THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dfa3hq/abby_went_to_christian_school/
%
A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables

The bartender says “look, I’m gonna serve you, but you better not try to start anything “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df9y13/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_pair_of_jumper/
%
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm

The man says" I'll have two beers please and one for the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df9x35/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_slab_of_asphalt/
%
What do you call a band that hasn't gotten a gig yet?

999MB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df9txs/what_do_you_call_a_band_that_hasnt_gotten_a_gig/
%
When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df9pv6/when_i_was_younger_my_parents_made_me_walk_the/
%
I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df9c9m/i_feel_like_people_who_write_things_online_under/
%
Why do demons always win in court?

Because possession is nine-tenths of the law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df9bdq/why_do_demons_always_win_in_court/
%
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink and asks for his check.
Duck billed platypus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df9b4y/a_platypus_walks_into_a_bar_owned_by_a_duck/
%
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday

Then he said "Don't spend it in one place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df96kr/my_dad_gave_me_a_walmart_gift_card_for_my_birthday/
%
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid Firemen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df93ua/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/
%
Blizzard

Activision-Blizzard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df8t65/blizzard/
%
What do you you call grammar nazis who listen to Radiohead?

The Comma Police

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df8rw7/what_do_you_you_call_grammar_nazis_who_listen_to/
%
Great news!

My sisters pregnant.
I’m gonna be a dad!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df8o6s/great_news/
%
I'm reading a horror novel in Braille

Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df8n40/im_reading_a_horror_novel_in_braille/
%
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One U.S. Leader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df8k4o/whats_the_fluid_capacity_of_monica_lewinskys_mouth/
%
They say you’re not the same person you were 5 seconds ago, nor will you be the same person 5 seconds from now. I beg to differ.

5 seconds ago, I was browsing Reddit. 5 seconds from now, I’ll still be browsing Reddit, but somehow 2 hours will have passed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df8f75/they_say_youre_not_the_same_person_you_were_5/
%
What begins with an M and ends in arriage?

Miscarriage
The joke never gets old just like the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df818y/what_begins_with_an_m_and_ends_in_arriage/
%
Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front

The police will watch your house for free!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df7y25/save_money_on_home_security_and_alarm_systems_by/
%
A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent...

“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant.  The year before that you suggested a safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant.   Can you suggest somewhere cheaper this year so that I can take her with me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df7wvy/a_guy_was_planning_his_holiday_with_his_travel/
%
I rounded up all the anti-vaxx people in the world to tell them a joke…

but none of them were old enough to understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df7ugz/i_rounded_up_all_the_antivaxx_people_in_the_world/
%
Hey, before you make fun of China, you should actually visit the country...

They won’t let you back in after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df7p4y/hey_before_you_make_fun_of_china_you_should/
%
Bathroom scale

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df7dxw/bathroom_scale/
%
I Got my Girlfriend a "Get Better Soon" Card.

She's not sick or anything but she could definitely get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df7dl4/i_got_my_girlfriend_a_get_better_soon_card/
%
My friend told me to visit the chiropractor and I was sceptical at first...

...but now I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df7ct5/my_friend_told_me_to_visit_the_chiropractor_and_i/
%
I hate jokes about German sausages.

They’re the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df7aw6/i_hate_jokes_about_german_sausages/
%
Turns out shepherds don't like being referred to as

'ewe people'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df79uy/turns_out_shepherds_dont_like_being_referred_to_as/
%
I had a one night stand and then got married.

Now we have two night stands (one on each side of the bed).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df78n9/i_had_a_one_night_stand_and_then_got_married/
%
Friends are like penguins

If you stab a penguin, it will die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df70i1/friends_are_like_penguins/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df6rlf/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_next_to_a/
%
If I was god I would be an atheist

Because I do not believe in myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df6ra8/if_i_was_god_i_would_be_an_atheist/
%
What is the pirates favorite letter?

Ah, you thought it was R, right? No. The C be his first love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df6pte/what_is_the_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df6oml/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
%
How do you get a dog to stop barking in the backseat?

You move him to the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df6mhn/how_do_you_get_a_dog_to_stop_barking_in_the/
%
Civil war jokes?

I don't General Lee like them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df6l76/civil_war_jokes/
%
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?

He used his frankincense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df6hl3/how_did_frankenstein_know_jesus_was_coming_for_a/
%
Rick Astley’s guide to password management

* Never going to give you out
* Never going to write you down
* Never going to run around and reuse you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df6g47/rick_astleys_guide_to_password_management/
%
Why do the cops pull over communists on their way to work?

Because they are Rushian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df6dyi/why_do_the_cops_pull_over_communists_on_their_way/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute as he was leaving?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df6cgc/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute_as_he/
%
You are lying on your deathbed

Your family and loved ones surround you, supporting you. You feel reassured, ready to move on, as your wife pulls the plug on life support.
As the machines wind down... you dont die. Your family is ecstatic, the doctors are bewildered. They all cry, saying it is a miracle.
Two hours later, a hooded skeleton pushes his way into the room.
"Sorry I'm late, traffic was murder!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df690v/you_are_lying_on_your_deathbed/
%
Grandpa story from WW2

A: Grandpa, tell me about WW2.
B: It was tough, SS captured us and gave us 2 choices. Rape or death.
A: What did they do to you?
B: They killed me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df5z9e/grandpa_story_from_ww2/
%
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df5xnj/im_on_a_plane_and_the_lunch_choices_are_white/
%
I've been very depressed about gravity lately.

It's really weighing me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df5odg/ive_been_very_depressed_about_gravity_lately/
%
What do you call autistic soldiers?

Special forces

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df5j2z/what_do_you_call_autistic_soldiers/
%
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df5f96/they_say_pineapple_juice_makes_your_cum_taste/
%
I only eat the Left Twix...

1st I eat the one on the left, then the one that is left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df5bga/i_only_eat_the_left_twix/
%
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They checked the reviews................ only one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df59fc/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system_yet/
%
Where did Noah keep the bees on his Ark?

In the Ark hives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df55o7/where_did_noah_keep_the_bees_on_his_ark/
%
What do you call 2 emos making out in a science classroom?

My Chemical Romance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df5541/what_do_you_call_2_emos_making_out_in_a_science/
%
Dad- Do you know what your brother said when he lost his virginity?

Son- Dad, please don't
Dad- Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df51qh/dad_do_you_know_what_your_brother_said_when_he/
%
Are you hungry?

Just go to a high school, everyone has beef there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df50gu/are_you_hungry/
%
Archeologists make pretty bad lovers

I guess they have mummy issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df4yxp/archeologists_make_pretty_bad_lovers/
%
The man who discovered milk

What was he doing with the cow?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df4rwr/the_man_who_discovered_milk/
%
Whats the difference between a presidential election and a nascar race?

In nascar they wear their sponsors on their shirts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df4lp2/whats_the_difference_between_a_presidential/
%
So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!"
Everyone laughed.... well, everyone except one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df4kb2/so_i_was_at_the_bar_last_night_and_a_waitress/
%
What was the stomach's favorite thing to read?

Reader's digest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df3wj1/what_was_the_stomachs_favorite_thing_to_read/
%
Two Italians Talking on the Bus

So I'm riding the bus the other day and I overhear two Italians talking about a pretty graphic sexual conquest. I heard,
"No Vincenzo you see i'ma gonna tell you one a more time. First I make Emma come, then I come, then we put the two asses together, I come again, we put the two asses together a one more time, I come AGAIN, then we make pee twice, and i come one a last a time. Capito?"
So I say to the guy, "Hey paesano, can you keep it down, we don't need to know about your disgusting sex life!" And he turns around on me and very angrily exclaims! Whosea talking bouta the sexa? I'ma telling Vincenzo how to spell Mississippi you stronzo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df3wb5/two_italians_talking_on_the_bus/
%
I read somewhere that in every group of 10 friends, one of them would become a murderer at some point.

I pushed my buddy Dave off a cliff, as I had a feeling it would've been him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df3u7h/i_read_somewhere_that_in_every_group_of_10/
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My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child...

I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df3phh/my_family_is_furious_at_me_for_implying_my_sister/
%
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df3lmj/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
Donny is getting worried about his future as President.

He decides to call the world leaders he most admires. He makes a conference call to Putin, Kim Jong-un,and Rodrigo Duterte.
"Guys, next to me, you are the greatest leaders in the world. What can I do to stop from getting impeached?"
There is a lot of talking between them and then Vlad says, "Donny, we know this is very important. We need to discuss it for a while. We will call you back."
A half hour later, Donny's phone rings and its Putin, Kim, and Duterte back on the phone.
Vlad speaks."We've thought it over and decided that there are two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the White House blue."
\--"Blue?! Why would I paint the White House blue?"
A howl of laughter comes out of the speaker phone. Putin says "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df3iqv/donny_is_getting_worried_about_his_future_as/
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I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df399s/i_just_saw_my_chinese_waiter_give_my_order_to/
%
How do you measure highschoolers?

In joules

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df38b3/how_do_you_measure_highschoolers/
%
Self mutilating cannibals are....

So full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df369z/self_mutilating_cannibals_are/
%
The pregnant woman

So a pregnant woman is walking towards the hospital to get induced into labor when a gunman walks out of an ally and demands all of her money.  She hands it all over shakily and he shoots her three times in the stomach and she blacks out.
The woman wakes up in the hospital a couple days later to a doctor telling her she’d be fine. “You had triplets, but don’t worry, they’re all fine.  They each have a bullet in them and they’re too small to try to operate. The bullets will work their way out as they get older.
Twelve years later the woman’s first daughter comes running into her moms room, “Mommy! Mommy, guess what!”
“What honey?”
“I took a tinkle and a bullet popped out.” So she explained what had happened all those years ago.
The next day her second daughter ran into her room, “mommy! mommy, guess what!”
“What honey?”
“I took a tinkle and a bullet popped out.” So the mother explained the story to her too.
The day after that, her son ran in, “MOM! You’ll never believe what just happened!”
“Let me guess, you took a pee and a bullet popped out.”
“No! I was jacking off and I shot the dog!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df31hu/the_pregnant_woman/
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My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”

I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df2w18/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
%
What did the cubic function say to the second order polynomial?

Nice quads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df2qn4/what_did_the_cubic_function_say_to_the_second/
%
What do a wife and a grenade have in common?

You take off the ring - Your house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df2ljo/what_do_a_wife_and_a_grenade_have_in_common/
%
I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said, "Bathroom Closed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df2kkb/i_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_shit_myself/
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A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:
Sam ate his own lunch after school.
Sam ate his own colon after school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df2jh5/a_colon_in_a_sentence_can_make_a_huge_difference/
%
Why was the gentleman with the umbrella arrested?

He was A gent under cover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df2h0i/why_was_the_gentleman_with_the_umbrella_arrested/
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Superman (oldie but goodie)

One day Superman is flying around Metropolis as he normally does.
He looks down and notices through the open window of her apartment, Wonder Woman, laying on her bed, legs spread apart, completely naked.
The thought occurs to him; he's as fast as a speeding bullet, he could fly down there, screw her, and get out before she suspected a thing.
So he flies down in a huge burst, screws as fast as he can, and flies off.
Wonder Woman sits up and asks, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man pulls out and says, "I have no idea, but my ass hurts like hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df2fa1/superman_oldie_but_goodie/
%
Today, I identify as a Giant.

My pronouns are fee, fo, fi, and fum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df2ebv/today_i_identify_as_a_giant/
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[Long] The Life of Parmish [Part 1]

There were once two young brothers from India, Parmish and Dudah, who decided one day to travel the world. They went to London, France, China, Japan, and many other countries. They ate all the exotic food they came across and explored many different cultures and experiences.
At their last stop in New York City, they were running out of exciting new things to do and were brainstorming ideas.
Suddenly, Parmish snapped his fingers and stood up, saying
"I know what we should do. Follow me, brother."
Parmish leads Dudah on a long walk through the city and finally arrives at a pet shop. Confused, Dudah asks
"What are we doing here Parmish?"
"Trust me Dudah." Parmish says, and they enter the shop.
Moments later, they both emerge with a small bird in each of their hands. Parmish again leads Dudah on a long walk through New York City and they arrive at the Empire State Building. They take the elevator to the top floor, and walk out towards the edge.
Parmish turns to Dudah and says "Now we jump."
"Are you crazy?!" Dudah exclaims.
Parmish says calmly "Trust me Dudah. I've heard Americans do this all the time."
Dudah is rightfully scared, but trusts Parmish.
They count to three, then jump off the edge still holding the birds in hand.
They plummet to the street below hitting the pavement, miraculously surviving, but breaking every bone in their bodies.
With his last ounce of strength, Parmish turns to Dudah and says...
"Dudah, I don't like this budgie-jumping."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df29f8/long_the_life_of_parmish_part_1/
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I had a friend that used to self-harm when he was bullied...

I used to think "whose side are you on?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df27ta/i_had_a_friend_that_used_to_selfharm_when_he_was/
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I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df22fg/im_on_a_plane_and_the_lunch_choices_are_white/
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I’m sexually attracted to mashed chickpeas

I’m a hummussexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df1t6w/im_sexually_attracted_to_mashed_chickpeas/
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Everyone laughed at Amy Schumer when she said she would be a comedian

Nobody is laughing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df1nz0/everyone_laughed_at_amy_schumer_when_she_said_she/
%
Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy

but the Bible says love your enemy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df1l27/alcohol_may_be_mans_worst_enemy/
%
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making

by making you an otter you can't defuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df1ech/im_going_to_combine_my_interests_of_taxidermy_and/
%
What do you call a grumpy German?

A sour kraut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df1aq7/what_do_you_call_a_grumpy_german/
%
Who made king Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df1afi/who_made_king_arthurs_round_table/
%
What do you call Batman when he is injured?

Bruised Wayne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df19uk/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_is_injured/
%
What is the difference between Disney and brazzer?

Disney teaches you how to hate your step mom while Brazzer teaches you how you can show your love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df12vt/what_is_the_difference_between_disney_and_brazzer/
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Adam knew he studied hard for his test, but couldn’t figure out where he went wrong.

He had spent almost 2 weeks preparing for this test. If he didn’t get 100%, he would fail chemistry and have to take summer school.
Knowing this, he panicked and furiously scanned the test to find out where he went wrong. Finally he saw the final question marked with an X. “Draw an atom”.
Suddenly confused he called his teacher, Mrs. Davidson, over to correct her mistake. Hopefully he wouldn’t get sent to simmer school because of her error.
She finally arrives at his desk “what is it Adam?”
“Mrs. Davidson, you marked this answer wrong when it’s actually correct”
“Adam, I marked it wrong because you left it blank”.
“No Mrs. Davidson. I drew it to actual size!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df0w6k/adam_knew_he_studied_hard_for_his_test_but/
%
Boss: Know why I called you in here?

Me: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic?
Boss: (Stops pouring two glasses of wine) Accidentally?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df0bdh/boss_know_why_i_called_you_in_here/
%
I met a very unnatractive girl recently and she likes to send pics

It goes without saying that I'm going to have to be the bearer of bad nudes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df07va/i_met_a_very_unnatractive_girl_recently_and_she/
%
I've never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby before...

but let me give it a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df04o0/ive_never_made_a_joke_about_an_unvaccinated_baby/
%
I don't need anyone to run my sex life.

I run it single-handedly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df03sf/i_dont_need_anyone_to_run_my_sex_life/
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Crooks just seem to be phoning it in these days

That’s at least how our president likes to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/df009o/crooks_just_seem_to_be_phoning_it_in_these_days/
%
A man walks into the store to buy condoms

Cashier: This is your third time buying condoms this week! What's your secret?
Man: what can I say, the ladies love me. In fact , Ive probably slept with every girl in this county except my sister and my mother.
Cashier: Huh. Well between the two of us we've got 'em all then!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dezzgz/a_man_walks_into_the_store_to_buy_condoms/
%
My buddy went to the bull fights

My buddy returned from Spain a few days ago and was telling me about his trip. He said he went to the bull fights and later found the best Italian food he had ever had right outside the stadium. The pasta was fresh, the sauce was amazing, and the meatballs were the most tender and well seasoned he had ever had. On his last day of vacation he said he wanted to go back to the Italian restaurant so he did and ordered the same dish. They brought it out and the pasta was fresh, the sauce was even better, but the meatballs were much much smaller. He ate them and they were still amazing. As he was leaving he was asked if his meal was as good as the first visit. He told them everything was great but he didn't understand one thing. He said the first time he came in the meat balls were the size of tennis ball and this time they were like marbles. The owner says, "ah yes, sometimes the bull wins and sometimes that matador wins".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dezrqn/my_buddy_went_to_the_bull_fights/
%
Two Hippies Two Hippies are walking down a railroad track stoned.

One Hippie says "This is a really long fucking staircase!"
The other Hippie says "I don't mind the stairs, it's this low fucking handrail thats killing me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dezq12/two_hippies_two_hippies_are_walking_down_a/
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People who haven't taken a crap yet today...

...stop holding onto yesterday's shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dezjsb/people_who_havent_taken_a_crap_yet_today/
%
Sorry Cincy

Cincinnati ,Oh(AP) -A seven-year old boy was at the center of a  Cincinnati courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cincinnati Bengals, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dezhnf/sorry_cincy/
%
Blizzard just released a new dating sim

Core gameplay is getting in bed with the Chinese :>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dezeql/blizzard_just_released_a_new_dating_sim/
%
Why was the youtuber so good at handling cows?

Because he was used to milking content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dezeqf/why_was_the_youtuber_so_good_at_handling_cows/
%
Wanna hear a joke about freedom?

No nevermind, the Chinese won't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dezd5g/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_freedom/
%
Well today is my first cake day.

And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dez5tf/well_today_is_my_first_cake_day/
%
What do you call a Jewish Mr. Coffee machine?

A He Brew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dez5ad/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_mr_coffee_machine/
%
I dated an African girl....

we just clicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dez4o3/i_dated_an_african_girl/
%
My wife asked me to do some DIY to build some storage for our collection of encyclopaedias..

But I'm no good at DIY, so I went to the library to find out how to do it and asked the lady behind the desk..
"Do you have any books on shelves?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dez2gj/my_wife_asked_me_to_do_some_diy_to_build_some/
%
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility

If only they could see me now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dez2b1/they_all_laughed_when_i_told_them_that_one_day_i/
%
I never give homeless people cash.

I don't want them using my drug money on drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deyyrt/i_never_give_homeless_people_cash/
%
An Irishman just drank 100 liters of beer in 30 minutes.

They called it a Guinness World Record.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deyw3k/an_irishman_just_drank_100_liters_of_beer_in_30/
%
Two dead bodies were found inside a trunk this morning

Police are seeking the public's help, particularly in locating the rest of the elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deyq7t/two_dead_bodies_were_found_inside_a_trunk_this/
%
My wife called my a paedophile today.

Big words for a 9 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deynh0/my_wife_called_my_a_paedophile_today/
%
What did the teenage cavemen and cavewomen love to do?

Go clubbing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deyndj/what_did_the_teenage_cavemen_and_cavewomen_love/
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People often ask me what the most important thing in a relationship is

I always answer trust, after all if you don’t trust your girlfriend how do you know she isn’t going to tell your wife?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deym6c/people_often_ask_me_what_the_most_important_thing/
%
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
Paddy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.  "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy.
The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back.  The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.".......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deym26/a_texan_walks_into_a_pub_in_ireland_and_raises/
%
Religion ingredients

......contains nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deyhxo/religion_ingredients/
%
What do you call two identical breasts?

Identitties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deya18/what_do_you_call_two_identical_breasts/
%
I tried to tell my grandma about colon cancer...

...But she didn't give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dey8g0/i_tried_to_tell_my_grandma_about_colon_cancer/
%
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.

But they just didn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dey4r1/i_tried_to_tell_some_of_my_vaccinated_friends_a/
%
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dey4j0/i_was_complaining_to_my_wife_about_our/
%
Why do racists love making meringues?

They get to seperate the whites

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dey2uq/why_do_racists_love_making_meringues/
%
A group of robbers burst into a bank and line everybody inside up against the wall.

They then proceed to take anything of monetary value from the people. Among those about to be robbed are two bank accountants.
Suddenly, one of them thrusts something into the hand of the other.
“What’s this?” He whispered.
“It’s the fifty bucks I owe you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dey1el/a_group_of_robbers_burst_into_a_bank_and_line/
%
Why is studying so important in Singapore?

It’s your get out of jail free card

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dexw42/why_is_studying_so_important_in_singapore/
%
Understanding BF

My girlfriend always complaints that she hates have meaningless sex.
So now when I hump her I read out all the synonyms of love making from Oxford dictionary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dexteg/understanding_bf/
%
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded once more.
"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?"
The little boy nodded yet again.
"Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dexojl/the_coach_grimaced_as_he_watched_his_young_ice/
%
Why did Annie fall of the swings?

She had no arms.
What did Annie get for Christmas?
She doesn't know. She can't open the box.
Knock knock. Who's there?
Not Annie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dexmj6/why_did_annie_fall_of_the_swings/
%
I bought a pet snake. He’s a very picky eater. Only eats burgers, hot dogs, and sloppy joes.

Apparently, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dexkk3/i_bought_a_pet_snake_hes_a_very_picky_eater_only/
%
A man is looking for a job in the news paper

and he finds an ad for a donut shop, he applies and almost immediately gets the job.
On his first day he walks in the manager shoves him an apron and says
"all you have to do is sell donuts at the counter"
The man nods his head, puts his apron on and starts to stand at the counter waiting for a customer.
A customer walks in and approaches the man and asks
" How much are these donuts?"
He responds
" I don't know"
Then the customer asks
" How fresh are these donuts?"
The man says the same thing
" I don't know"
And finally the customer asks
" Should I buy one?"
The man responds once again
" I don't know"
The customer leaves and the manager is absolutely furious, he takes the man aside and says to him.
" If a customer asks "how much are these donuts?" then you respond with "one dollar, one dollar" "
" If. customer asks " how fresh are these donuts? " then you should respond with " fresh fresh very fresh""
" And finally if a customer asks " should I buy one?" Then you should say " if you don't, someone else will""
The man takes this into account and continues to do what the manager said and he soon becomes very good at his job.
One day towards the closing time of the shop a robber rushes into the store with a gun and shouts at the man
"HOW MUCH IS IN THE CASH REGISTER"
and the man says
"One dollar, one dollar"
The robber absolutely star struck asks him in a calmer voice
" Are you playing fresh with me?"
Then the man responds with
" Fresh fresh very fresh"
The robber who is still confused then asks
" Should I shoot you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dexhp1/a_man_is_looking_for_a_job_in_the_news_paper/
%
I tried to reverse the effects of viagra

It was just too hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dexgmj/i_tried_to_reverse_the_effects_of_viagra/
%
I saw a real idiot at the Gym today.....

He put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dexfy1/i_saw_a_real_idiot_at_the_gym_today/
%
Aliens: "We've come to destroy the Earth."

Greta: "It's a bit late, right?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dexcy5/aliens_weve_come_to_destroy_the_earth/
%
I hate when revolving doors move too fast

It's a pane in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dexcc7/i_hate_when_revolving_doors_move_too_fast/
%
Things not to say to sensitive vegetarians

"Lets meat up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dexb9j/things_not_to_say_to_sensitive_vegetarians/
%
A famous magician and a guy meet in a sauna

Guy: "Are you not \[famous magician\]"
Magician: "Yes I am"
Guy: "Can you show me a trick?"
Magician: "Okay, turn around, I will put my thumb in your butt"
Guy turns around.
Magician: "Do you feel it?"
Guy: "Yes"
Magician holds up his 2 thumbs: "I have 2 more"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dex89u/a_famous_magician_and_a_guy_meet_in_a_sauna/
%
I have an idea for a retro console. The NES but with a turbo button

I call it: "NES quick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dex70u/i_have_an_idea_for_a_retro_console_the_nes_but/
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[NSFW] I after years I finally found my wifes g-spot.

Who would have guessed I found it in her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dex3sb/nsfw_i_after_years_i_finally_found_my_wifes_gspot/
%
Why is 10 always afraid?

Because he was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dewkny/why_is_10_always_afraid/
%
What do you call a skilled Dutchman?

Tallented

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dewjt1/what_do_you_call_a_skilled_dutchman/
%
I'm so mean, I don't even have to flush the toilet!

I scare the shit out of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dewi94/im_so_mean_i_dont_even_have_to_flush_the_toilet/
%
What did the Hindi man say to his mother when she was about to leave?

Namaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dewfc8/what_did_the_hindi_man_say_to_his_mother_when_she/
%
What rock group has 4 members that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dewem8/what_rock_group_has_4_members_that_dont_sing/
%
What's the smell in every new Tesla called?

Elon's musk
*badum tss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dewe8n/whats_the_smell_in_every_new_tesla_called/
%
Just a thought

If your son became a priest, would you call him son or father?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dewdxl/just_a_thought/
%
What do you call the fear of spiders crawling up your butt?

Arachnoprobia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dew494/what_do_you_call_the_fear_of_spiders_crawling_up/
%
Two hookers were on a street corner.

They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."
The other hooker looked at her and said, "Nah, bitch I just burped.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dew0n9/two_hookers_were_on_a_street_corner/
%
My wife left me because I'm so insecure

No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/devvoz/my_wife_left_me_because_im_so_insecure/
%
Son - Dad, could you tell me what a solar eclipse is?

No sun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/devv50/son_dad_could_you_tell_me_what_a_solar_eclipse_is/
%
A robber enters a bank, he pulls out a gun, and he shouts: "Everyone on the ground. This is a robbery!". Immediately, everyone in the bank drops down with their hands on their heads except for one man reading a newspaper.

The man lowers his newspaper and begins to stare at the robber with an amused look on his face.
It makes the robber angry, so he walks towards the man, puts the gun to his face, and asks him: "what so funny, ha? You want to get shot?".
The man's amused look turns into a smile as he answers the robber back: "You are joking right?".
The robber, bursting with anger, places the gun one inch away from the man's face and says: "Say that again. I dare you".
The man, who was previously completely relaxed, is now getting a bit worried. He lowers his newspaper further and says: "No, really. You are not serious, are you?".
The robber sticks the gun into the man's forehead and threatens with a more serious tone: "One more word and I swear I am pulling the trigger".
The man, no longer showing the slightest hint of amusement, says: "Look, there is a first time to everything, but this is unbelievable. Do you really have any idea of what you are doing?".
"that is it!" the robber snaps. "I have a gun, you are unarmed, everybody else is scared to death, and there are zero guards in here! Don't you understand the situation? I completely got this under control!".
At this point, the man puts down his newspaper with an honest, concerned look on his face. He looks the robber in the eye and says: "Dude, this is a blood bank".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/devrt1/a_robber_enters_a_bank_he_pulls_out_a_gun_and_he/
%
Employees on time to work

One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/devk0y/employees_on_time_to_work/
%
I love self deprecating humor

More than I love myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dev8wd/i_love_self_deprecating_humor/
%
My wife told me, “Don’t take it personally if people keep calling you fat.”

“You’re much bigger than that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dev7ie/my_wife_told_me_dont_take_it_personally_if_people/
%
A man is going across the border with different bicycles everyday with bags of sand on the handle bars

The border patrol searches methodically and carefully everyday in the sand and they are never able to find anything. An agent retired 7 years later meets the man in a cafe while they’re both getting a coffee. The man asked if he could buy the drink but a question would have to be answered.  The man who was crossing the border says yes and grabs a table for the both of them. After they both get there drinks they sit down and the man asks his question. He asked what he was smuggling since they knew he was smuggling something everyday and there was nothing in the sand. The mans response was simple, bicycles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dev556/a_man_is_going_across_the_border_with_different/
%
What do you call a person who breaks saxophones?

A sax offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dev4iv/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_breaks_saxophones/
%
A fish swam into a wall one day

It said "dam"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dev3ni/a_fish_swam_into_a_wall_one_day/
%
I just got a pair of the worlds smallest handcuffs!

Wedding rings sure are expensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dev3a3/i_just_got_a_pair_of_the_worlds_smallest_handcuffs/
%
This joke is like a broken candle

It doesn’t make scents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dev0lp/this_joke_is_like_a_broken_candle/
%
A man hears a knock at his door, and is surprised to see

a polar bear standing before him.
"Hi," says the white bear, "I'm the bear of good news. A distant relative of yours passed away a while ago, but it turns out he entrusted a large fortune to you in his will."
"Great," says the man. "Thanks for the good news."
Later, the man hears another knock at his door. He answers the door to find a panda before him.
"I'm the bear of uncertain news," says the panda.
"Alright..." acknowledges the man with a furrowed brow.
"As it turns out, your inherited fortune is entirely in the form of uninsured bonds. Depending on how the market turns out this month, you might not be able to receive any money at all. But, well, it could go either way."
"I see," says the man, closing the door.
The next day, there's another knock. The man opens the door to a large grizzly.
"Let me guess," says the man, "you're going to tell me about my inheritance bonds?"
The grizzly shrugs. "Well, I hate to be the bear of bad news."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deuthg/a_man_hears_a_knock_at_his_door_and_is_surprised/
%
How do the B-52's feel about Shaquille O'neal?

Love Shaq, baby love Shaq, love Shaq baby...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deuqdj/how_do_the_b52s_feel_about_shaquille_oneal/
%
v

Oof, I think I lost control of my keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deuiwl/v/
%
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deueq2/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_who_couldnt/
%
If you can write the word "mitochondria" correctly...

... then you truly are the powerhouse of the spell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deu6xg/if_you_can_write_the_word_mitochondria_correctly/
%
I tell bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones..

Argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deu6vk/i_tell_bad_chemistry_jokes_because_all_the_good/
%
What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

They both love cracking open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deu500/what_do_necrophiliacs_and_alcoholics_have_in/
%
Make your own Holy Water!

Put regular water in a pot. Boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/detsgp/make_your_own_holy_water/
%
I lost my balance once and fell down an up escalator.

It was the most embarrassing two hours of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dets2m/i_lost_my_balance_once_and_fell_down_an_up/
%
A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/detq1y/a_little_boy_had_a_crush_on_his_teacher_but_she/
%
Whenever I have sunburn I take viagra

It doesn't soothe the pain but it keeps to bed sheets off my legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/detpsm/whenever_i_have_sunburn_i_take_viagra/
%
What’s the difference between Canada and Maine?

In Canada Moosehead is a beer and in Maine it’s a misdemeanor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/detplt/whats_the_difference_between_canada_and_maine/
%
Three little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped its head, mama called the doctor and the doctor said, "If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with mesothelioma you may be entitled to financial compensation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/detour/three_little_monkeys_jumping_on_the_bed/
%
That Kool-Aid Man is a terrible actor

Always breaking the fourth wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/detgrs/that_koolaid_man_is_a_terrible_actor/
%
A guy finds a genie in a lamp

Or no actually the joke starts with the guy having a giant pumpkin head. The guy has a giant pumpkin head and his friend is like what happened? He says oh I found a genie and he gave me three wishes. His friend is like yeah but what happened? Well first I wished for 100 million dollars and I got it. Then I wished for a beautiful woman and I got that too.
And his friend is like yeah but what happened?
And he's like oh the third wish that's where I really fucked it up I wished for a giant pumpkin head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/det4hb/a_guy_finds_a_genie_in_a_lamp/
%
What did the bodybuilder say when he was surprised there was no protein?

No whey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dessl8/what_did_the_bodybuilder_say_when_he_was/
%
Was Einstein's theory good?

Relatively.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/desahf/was_einsteins_theory_good/
%
Did you hear about the Chinese restaurant that got destroyed?

Biggest case of Wanton destruction I've ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/des872/did_you_hear_about_the_chinese_restaurant_that/
%
What do ghosts, rappers, and programmers have in common?

Boolean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/des5fg/what_do_ghosts_rappers_and_programmers_have_in/
%
A guy with his wife gets pulled over

Cop: Did you know that your left taillight was out.
Man: No I didn't know sir, thank you for telling me
Wife: Stop lying, that light has been out for almost a year
Cop: Is this true.
Man: No, my wife is a little crazy.
Cop: Also, you were going over the speed limit.
Man: I wasn't paying attention to the speedometer.
Wife: You know damn well you were speeding.
Man: Alright that's enough outta you, you damn woman
Cop: Does he always talk to you like that?
Wife: Only when he's drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/derzxy/a_guy_with_his_wife_gets_pulled_over/
%
I used to work at the zoo circumcising elephants.

The pay wasn't great, but they let me keep the tips!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deryh2/i_used_to_work_at_the_zoo_circumcising_elephants/
%
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a real obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deru5g/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

He orders a drink from the bartender, when the bartender asks, "What's the name of the newt?"
The man replies, "Tiny."
Curious, the bartender asks, "Why is that?"
The man responds, "He's my newt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dertlx/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_newt_on_his_shoulder/
%
I could lose weight...

But I hate losing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/derr30/i_could_lose_weight/
%
A guy is tossing peanuts in the air...

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth and his wife asks him a question. He turns to answer her question and the peanut he just tossed lands in his ear and gets stuck.
He and his wife spend a short period of time trying to get it out and decide maybe they should go to the emergency room.
As they are getting ready to leave, their daughter and her new boyfriend walk into the house and ask what's happening. They explain that her father now has a peanut lodged in his ear and they are going out for help.
The daughter's boyfriend says "wait, I know how to fix this!" He puts his fingers in the father's nose and tells him to hold his mouth shut and blow. The peanut flies out of his ear.
The wife later says "Her new boyfriend is very smart, I wonder what he will be when he gets older". The father responds with " judging by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/derqtf/a_guy_is_tossing_peanuts_in_the_air/
%
When it's October but there aren't any spooky jokes yet...

Never seen such boo-sheet before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/derp6p/when_its_october_but_there_arent_any_spooky_jokes/
%
I'm working on a dating app for older people.

It's called "Carbon Dating".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/derluk/im_working_on_a_dating_app_for_older_people/
%
If you're looking for a slutty Halloween costume...

Dress as a professor.
They barely cover anything important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/derl8x/if_youre_looking_for_a_slutty_halloween_costume/
%
An old lady went to visit her dentist

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.
The dentist said, "Excuse me madam, you must be mistaken. I'm not your gynecologist."
"I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dere6g/an_old_lady_went_to_visit_her_dentist/
%
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/der5ke/in_canada_you_are_more_likely_to_die_of_a_kick_of/
%
Why do we call a "Club" a "Club"?

That's where you go to feel the beat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dequ9z/why_do_we_call_a_club_a_club/
%
Girlfriend is just one word

Marriage is a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deqtds/girlfriend_is_just_one_word/
%
Never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deqsfd/never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
"Your kitten killed our Rottweiler."

"I'm sorry?"
"I said your kitten killed our Rottweiler!"
"My cute little kitten? I can't believe it. How?"
"He choked on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/depzy2/your_kitten_killed_our_rottweiler/
%
caught masturbating on a park bench...

the policemen said your cumming with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/depyon/caught_masturbating_on_a_park_bench/
%
A man walks into a pub in Ireland

He asks the bartender, “Sorry, I am a bit lost. Could you tell me which is the quickest way to Dublin?”
The bartender asks, “Well, are you walking or are you driving?”
Man: “I’m driving!”
Bartender: “Well, that’s the quickest way!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/depwpe/a_man_walks_into_a_pub_in_ireland/
%
My asshole neighbour came and rang my doorbell at 3am this morning....

Luckily I was still up playing my drums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deprwf/my_asshole_neighbour_came_and_rang_my_doorbell_at/
%
What do you call a female policeman?

Policemaam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/depqba/what_do_you_call_a_female_policeman/
%
A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar.

*long*
A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, strolls up to the bar and sighs "give me a Guinness mate"
The bartender gives him his drink and asks "rough day? ", the black piece of tarmac replies "aye I'm part of the A1 North and I've had all sorts over me today. 12 fucking lorries, a tank, and half a hundred cars."
At this point a second piece of black tarmac walks into the bar. Strolls right up to the bartender and sighs "give me the strongest drink you have"
Once again the bartender gives him his drink and asks "rough day?" and once again he gets his answer. "aye I'm part of the m25 and I've had non stop traffic on me all day. 54 lorries, 90 freaking cars and a fucking tanker".
The two pieces of black tarmac chat amongst themselves when the doors get kicked open by a piece of green tarmac. As he stomps up to the bar the two pieces of black tarmac run and hide in the bathroom.
The piece of green tarmac gets to the bar he spits on the floor and eyes the bartender. "give me a fucking Guinness now" he demands to the bar tender.
The bartender being used to rude customers acquiesces and gives him his drink. "rough day?" he asks.
The green piece of tarmac downs his drink smashes the glass on the floor and stomps back out of the bar. The two black pieces of tarmac come out from cowering in the toilets and sit back down at the bar.
The bartender bewildered asks "the fuck was his problem?"
The two black pieces of tarmac exchange a glance "him? Oh he's a fucking cycle path".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/depoer/a_black_piece_of_tarmac_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did people not like the new Undertale graphic novel?

It was Comic Sans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/depmpn/why_did_people_not_like_the_new_undertale_graphic/
%
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!"

I thought...  "That's just spam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deplp0/i_got_an_email_saying_at_google_earth_we_can_read/
%
Are you a manual transmission?

Because you sure love to stall!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dephfw/are_you_a_manual_transmission/
%
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because it's pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dep0z8/why_shouldnt_you_write_with_a_broken_pencil/
%
Dog furries aren’t fat

Their just a little husky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deoo1i/dog_furries_arent_fat/
%
My cat and I were watching TV when suddendly it scratched me.

Just because i pressed paws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deomis/my_cat_and_i_were_watching_tv_when_suddendly_it/
%
Why cant girls from Alabama do reverse cowgirl?

Cause you never turn your back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deokaq/why_cant_girls_from_alabama_do_reverse_cowgirl/
%
How can Mexicans get over the wall?

By using trumpolines.
sorry... I will see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deoima/how_can_mexicans_get_over_the_wall/
%
2 Rednecks

A: Would you f*ck a bear for 50$? B: Sure but I don't have 50$...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deocul/2_rednecks/
%
Where do you send a Jewish kid with ADHD

A concentration camp. (My bosses joke, please don't kill me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deoa6r/where_do_you_send_a_jewish_kid_with_adhd/
%
Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?

Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.
Me: Yeah, that’s the one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/denv2c/me_do_you_have_that_new_book_about_living_with_a/
%
When I was a teenage boy, I had sex with my hot teacher.

I told my dad and for some reason, he was kinda proud of me and offered to buy me a new bike, sort of to congratulate me.
I told him I'd rather have a new football, 'cause my ass was killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/denhqj/when_i_was_a_teenage_boy_i_had_sex_with_my_hot/
%
An airplane is going to crash.

A female passenger jumps up and shouts " If I am going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes her clothes and asks "Is there a worthy man that fulfill my last wish?"
A man stands up and remove his shirt and said "Here you go, Iron this"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deng6i/an_airplane_is_going_to_crash/
%
Doctor: You should stop masturbating

Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong?
Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/denbia/doctor_you_should_stop_masturbating/
%
A guy walks in with a duck under his arm...

He sees his wife sitting at the kitchen table. The guy says, "Here's the pig I've been fucking all week". The wife looks at him and says, "That's not a pig, it's a duck". The guy yells in response, "I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/den9os/a_guy_walks_in_with_a_duck_under_his_arm/
%
People keep telling me that ancient statues of people are idealized to make the person look better.

I guess you could say their features are chiseled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/den7kz/people_keep_telling_me_that_ancient_statues_of/
%
I too was invited to the Premature Ejaculators Meeting but I wasn't sure when it was.

So I came early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/den1zy/i_too_was_invited_to_the_premature_ejaculators/
%
How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it?

...you give it a pumpkin patch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/den1jc/how_do_you_fix_a_pumpkin_with_a_hole_in_it/
%
As a male comedian, I treat women as sexual objects.

Is this thing on?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/den05v/as_a_male_comedian_i_treat_women_as_sexual_objects/
%
Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...
And he'll colonize your country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/demllv/give_a_brit_some_tea_and_youll_make_him_happy_for/
%
What do you call two lesbians moving in together?

A second date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/demj1h/what_do_you_call_two_lesbians_moving_in_together/
%
A researcher conducted a study on the thoughts and feelings of women after having an abortion.

The findings were not a parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/demgev/a_researcher_conducted_a_study_on_the_thoughts/
%
You put the punchline first.

How do you make a time travel joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/demdl3/you_put_the_punchline_first/
%
How does Sherlock Holmes use the bathroom?

By process of elimination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dem81y/how_does_sherlock_holmes_use_the_bathroom/
%
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for burning $1 bills?

Police got a report of hot singles in his area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dem7my/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_was_arrested_for/
%
Is “buttcheeks” one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dem5ow/is_buttcheeks_one_word/
%
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.50, deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dem3p3/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/delvf2/whats_black_and_screams/
%
The difference between Nick Mullen and the small version of Mario

Is about 2 feet, with Nick Mullen being smaller than tiny Mario. Relatively speaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deltid/the_difference_between_nick_mullen_and_the_small/
%
"Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?"

No idea. They just ransomware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/delthv/hey_officer_how_did_the_hackers_escape/
%
My mind is occupied by two things only,1. self pity

2. masturbation - which eventually drops down to self pity in about 10 sec

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/delq7i/my_mind_is_occupied_by_two_things_only1_self_pity/
%
I'm a terrible speller

I hung up a sign outside my bar to let people know there was live music, but everyone thought I was trying to keep out Dwayne Johnson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/delmxp/im_a_terrible_speller/
%
A masturbation contest would be an anomaly because...

You have to come last in order to win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/delh7m/a_masturbation_contest_would_be_an_anomaly_because/
%
Why did the incel cross the road?

Trick question, they never leave their parents’ basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/delgqe/why_did_the_incel_cross_the_road/
%
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect...

but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deleny/i_used_to_think_i_understood_the_dunningkruger/
%
I was trying to start an Erectile Dysfunction support group

But it flopped and nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deleal/i_was_trying_to_start_an_erectile_dysfunction/
%
A lady found that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover, and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, don’t ride your bicycle for about a week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/del1hy/a_lady_found_that_her_dog_a_schnauzer_could/
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What do you call the best milk in the world?

Legendairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dekzb6/what_do_you_call_the_best_milk_in_the_world/
%
Thank God, women exists!

Because a world without women would literally be a pain in the ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dekvs3/thank_god_women_exists/
%
My last girlfriend became a cop and ended up pulling me over and writing me a ticket. She asked why I seemed so happy about it.

I told her I was just ex-cited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dekvh0/my_last_girlfriend_became_a_cop_and_ended_up/
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What do you say at a necrophilic gangbang?

Nothing, you just crack open a cold one with the boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dekp9j/what_do_you_say_at_a_necrophilic_gangbang/
%
Superman can fly but...

Clark Kent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dekkkr/superman_can_fly_but/
%
The first time I had sex, it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, "This is a bit awkward."

I grunted, "Just ignore them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dekj86/the_first_time_i_had_sex_it_was_in_my_parents/
%
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad and said she's never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dekhzz/my_wife_found_out_i_was_cheating_on_her_after_she/
%
Why do husbands appreciate hell?

At least there, they know what they did wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dek3r7/why_do_husbands_appreciate_hell/
%
I was blessed with a rather large penis

That's when my local priest was arrested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dejyrp/i_was_blessed_with_a_rather_large_penis/
%
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands

For instance if they're placed around your throat she's probably upset.
Richard Pryor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dejuuz/you_can_tell_a_lot_about_a_woman_by_her_hands/
%
Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting!”

Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dejnqs/robin_the_batmobil_isnt_starting/
%
Why did pinocchio buy a new monitor

Because he click on "Agree" without reading the "Terms and conditions"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dejn4v/why_did_pinocchio_buy_a_new_monitor/
%
My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous...

I’ve never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dejlax/my_friend_set_me_up_on_a_blind_date_with_her/
%
A man sat down next to a grieving widow at her husband's funeral.

He says to the widow, "Is it alright if I say a word?"
When the widow agreed, the man stood up and cleared his throat loudly.
"Plethora", the man said. He promptly sat back down.
The grieving widow told him, "Thank you, that means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dejed2/a_man_sat_down_next_to_a_grieving_widow_at_her/
%
A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"
Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"
The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't have one eye!"
He goes to Don next, and does his usual thing.
Don replies, "That's a piece of cake! He only has one ear!"
To which the policeman says, "Well, that's because the photo I showed you **IS HIS PROFILE!**"
Pissed off at this point, he goes to Rod and asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you find him?"
Rod looks at the picture intently, and the says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is confused, and decides to check. Moments later, he emerges with a big smile on . his face and says, "Wow! He really does wear contact lenses! How did you make such an astute observation?"
"Easy. He can't wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dejcgt/a_policeman_is_training_three_men_bob_don_and_rod/
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Are you my Dad?

A pregnant woman is about to give birth.  The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.  Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.  Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”. The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”.  With that, the baby pops right back inside. “Damn!”, says the doctor.  A short while later he sees the head push through again. “Are you my dad?”, asks the baby. “No, I am your doctor.”, he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.  Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out.  “Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father. The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!” The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dej9qn/are_you_my_dad/
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What'd the Gen Z-er say to the spice shop owner who claimed to have the largest spice plants of anyone around?

I'm here for a good thyme not a long thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deix80/whatd_the_gen_zer_say_to_the_spice_shop_owner_who/
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A Catholic bishop, a Hebrew rabbi and a Buddhist lama were sitting in a boat and fishing.

The rabbi looked at his watch and said: "Hey, it's lunch time, there's a restaurant on the shore, I'll go and eat there".
He stepped overboard and walked to the shore on the surface of the lake as if it was solid.
The lama watched him and said: "Yeah, I'll also go and have a lunch".
He also stepped overboard and walked on water to the shore.
The bishop sat in the boat confused. Finally he thought: "God, if a Hebrew and a Buddhist can walk on water then I also should be able to, just like Jesus did!"
He stepped overboard but just splashed into water.
The rabbi and the lama were watching him trying to climb back into the boat.
"Maybe we should've told him about those submerged poles and stones in the water," the rabbi said.
"What poles and stones?" the lama asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deiv91/a_catholic_bishop_a_hebrew_rabbi_and_a_buddhist/
%
Son, have a vodka with me!

- No, thanks, dad.
- Come, have a drink with your father!
- Dad, I'm 5. -
Dad is shitfaced but he insists:
- Ok, just one shot.
The kid drinks it and start crying:
- Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing!
- Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun!
(Russian joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deitsl/son_have_a_vodka_with_me/
%
Donald Trump holds a fund raising campaign rally.

During the rally, he steps down from the stage and slaps one of his cheering supporters. Now the shit has really hit the fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deitru/donald_trump_holds_a_fund_raising_campaign_rally/
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Melania is very disappointed of Donald in couples therapy

All he does is build walls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deikhy/melania_is_very_disappointed_of_donald_in_couples/
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A lot of conflict in the Wild West....

....could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deiis6/a_lot_of_conflict_in_the_wild_west/
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In the future water will be like sarcasm

No one will get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dei5ud/in_the_future_water_will_be_like_sarcasm/
%
What did Pikachu say when he saw Raichu?

Pikachu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dei4is/what_did_pikachu_say_when_he_saw_raichu/
%
I went for a job interview the other day...

The interviewer asked:
"What is your worst quality?"
I said: "I'm too honest.."
He said: "I don't think that's a bad quality!"
I said: "I don't give a fuck what you think.... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dei3z6/i_went_for_a_job_interview_the_other_day/
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Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dei1m7/best_incest_joke_its_actually_pretty_hilarious/
%
Did you know?

That there are enough bones in your body to make up a skeleton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dehw6n/did_you_know/
%
Mummies aren't all evil.

They get a bad wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dehvem/mummies_arent_all_evil/
%
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.

Because it's made of hide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dehse9/the_best_armor_for_sneaking_is_leather_armor/
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Dad, I inherited my intelligence from you right?

Dad: That’s right, my smart little girl!
Daughter: That would make sense since mom still has hers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dehp3w/dad_i_inherited_my_intelligence_from_you_right/
%
I keep asking my physics teacher

"what is the unit for power?"
But he just keeps responding with "yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dehlc7/i_keep_asking_my_physics_teacher/
%
Why can't most women park a car?

Because they have been lied to all their lives about how large 20 cm is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dehkxg/why_cant_most_women_park_a_car/
%
I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dehh07/i_wasnt_sure_what_to_wear_to_my_premature/
%
I often like to talk to myself.

Oh hey, me too
Bro, same
Hey, I do that too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dehfh8/i_often_like_to_talk_to_myself/
%
This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.
It's Donald Trump! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:
You can save the life of Donald Trump or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the most powerful Republicans in America.
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer. "Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dehasy/this_is_a_test/
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Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?

Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deh776/why_do_army_snipers_close_one_eye_while_shooting/
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A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deh6lu/a_young_man_was_in_love_with_two_women_and_could/
%
A baby was upset because a lizard that spoke of theoretical physics wouldn't climb the crib.

The mother began to comfort the baby.
"Mama's gonna buy you a Hawking bird."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/degyys/a_baby_was_upset_because_a_lizard_that_spoke_of/
%
Sweetheart I have something to tell you.

Wife: What is it, honey ?
Husband: I ..... I got another woman pregnant.
Wife: Goddammit.
Husband:  I know...
Wife: I hate that joke but I'm proud of your work as a fertility doctor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dego0z/sweetheart_i_have_something_to_tell_you/
%
What was my prize for coming first in the National "Thinnest Arms" competition.

Atrophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deg8ok/what_was_my_prize_for_coming_first_in_the/
%
Why do you never see an elephant hiding in a tree?

Because they're so good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/defz6d/why_do_you_never_see_an_elephant_hiding_in_a_tree/
%
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee.

Oh, I've tried other enemas…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/defy3a/when_i_wake_up_in_the_morning_i_just_cant_get/
%
[NSFW] My night has been terrible, I blew a speaker in my house.

He said he was a motivational speaker, but all he did was leave a bad taste in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/defx7w/nsfw_my_night_has_been_terrible_i_blew_a_speaker/
%
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/defrxt/why_is_the_great_wall_of_china_considered_one_of/
%
A man with a knife stuck in his back staggers to a doctor.

The doctor says: “Sorry, we’re closed.” But the man doesn’t give up. After he’s been begging for 15 minutes the doctor sighs, “Alright!” Pulls out the knife, puts it in the man’s eye and says: “Go to the eye doctor next door. He’s still open.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/defqtk/a_man_with_a_knife_stuck_in_his_back_staggers_to/
%
I asked this girl if she would date me.

She said that she left her accelerator mass spectrometer at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/defmmb/i_asked_this_girl_if_she_would_date_me/
%
Went to a brothel and said...

how much for anal?
She said "Sixty quid"
I said"that's a bit expensive i think i'll leave it"
She said "Tight Arse!" I said "Oh ...go on then"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/defjxb/went_to_a_brothel_and_said/
%
A woman is like a piano

When she's not upright, she's grand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/defjns/a_woman_is_like_a_piano/
%
You should never Joke about Rape

It’s a Touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/defipc/you_should_never_joke_about_rape/
%
TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic.

Because they are more likely to be dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/defd4a/til_unvaccinated_children_are_less_likely_to_be/
%
The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked.

The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”
“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/defaox/the_old_man_was_sitting_on_the_examining_table_in/
%
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife...

But she figured out I was only after *my* money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/def8h7/i_tried_to_remarry_my_exwife/
%
New York has the most lawyers in the USA. New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps in the USA. Why is this so?

New Jersey had first choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/def02f/new_york_has_the_most_lawyers_in_the_usa_new/
%
I'm going to tell a Dad joke.

Hi, going to tell a Dad joke! I'm Dad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deetn8/im_going_to_tell_a_dad_joke/
%
Wrong number.

A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed wrong and connected with a mechanic instead. She asked, "Do you have 2  lips and 7 kisses?"
He said, "No..But I have 2 balls and 7 inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No But it's a damn good average"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dees00/wrong_number/
%
Adam only named four animals.

He was given full naming rights, but was banned after he named the ass, the cock, the booby and the tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deeofo/adam_only_named_four_animals/
%
I was once taught that stealing will result in karma

I was skeptical until I discovered r/jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deem97/i_was_once_taught_that_stealing_will_result_in/
%
I was practicing my puns with friends to see if any worked...

...but no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deejud/i_was_practicing_my_puns_with_friends_to_see_if/
%
In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.
It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to competing egos, and the timpani player showed up late to many performances.
Donovan Schmidt, the leader of the orchestra at the time and renowned for his bad temper, was furious. The flight delay was the last straw and his patience was starting to get the better of him.
After enduring a 30 minute argument between his bassoon and tuba players, Schmidt snapped and threw his baton at them.
Sailing through the air the baton pierced a bassoon player's eye, entered his brain, and he promptly dropped dead.
The ensuing months saw Schmidt dragged in and out of court and the nation waited with baited breath to see what would become of his fate.
Finally, it was ruled by a jury of his peers that he should face the death penalty by electric chair. Shocked and dismayed, the arts community rallied around Schidmt, but it was to no avail. The date had been set.
Strapped into the chair and with his head shaven, Schmidt had tears streaming down his face as the warden gave the nod to throw the switch....then, nothing happened.
Confused, the death row technicians reset the machine, rewired the harness and waited for the Warden's signal....then, nothing.
This happened 4 times in a row, until the warden screamed at his officers "just what in the hell is going on in there?!"
Scratching his head, the senior corrections officer yells out to the warden "I dunno...I guess he must be a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deefyr/in_1952_the_new_york_philharmonic_was_on_a/
%
I was really sleepy driving across the border..

But luckily I had Jesus take the wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deefq8/i_was_really_sleepy_driving_across_the_border/
%
What are a rednecks last words?

Hey pa! Look what I can do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deefkz/what_are_a_rednecks_last_words/
%
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike

As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow.
I tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dee88z/i_yelled_cow_at_a_woman_on_a_bike/
%
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.

He came, He saw, He conquered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dee75y/a_sperm_donor_a_carpenter_and_julius_caesar/
%
I saw a guy at the beach yelling, “Help! Shark! Help!”

I was like, “I don’t think that shark is going to help you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dee69j/i_saw_a_guy_at_the_beach_yelling_help_shark_help/
%
My friend says she's never dating a European guy again.

She said "They always either try to leave randomly or just don't Finnish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dee62s/my_friend_says_shes_never_dating_a_european_guy/
%
My wife and i were happy for 20 years

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dee273/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_20_years/
%
I have a good feeling about my job interview today...

They said they were looking for someone responsible.
Every time there was a problem at my old job, I was told that I was responsible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dee0qe/i_have_a_good_feeling_about_my_job_interview_today/
%
I always have my shit together

When I'm struggling.....on the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dee020/i_always_have_my_shit_together/
%
When my grandfather died, we decided to scatter his remains in the sea.

Everyone at the beach started freaking out, because we didn’t cremate him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dedzrd/when_my_grandfather_died_we_decided_to_scatter/
%
Ching Chong actually means something in Chinese!

It means you're racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dedyb3/ching_chong_actually_means_something_in_chinese/
%
I just saw this great movie about a complete sentence...

It was a period piece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dedu32/i_just_saw_this_great_movie_about_a_complete/
%
How can Thanos speak english?

The rosetta stone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dedsra/how_can_thanos_speak_english/
%
Some mistakes can grow to be big problems

That's how my parents feel about me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dedqrh/some_mistakes_can_grow_to_be_big_problems/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dedop7/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_out_of_the_boat/
%
What do you call an Astronaut's moustache?

Spacial Hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dedjfe/what_do_you_call_an_astronauts_moustache/
%
How much do Chinese dumplings weigh?

Wonton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dedj1b/how_much_do_chinese_dumplings_weigh/
%
Did you hear about the flatulent Egyptians that met on Tinder?

They had TOOT in common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dedh3o/did_you_hear_about_the_flatulent_egyptians_that/
%
When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dedh0o/when_i_was_in_college_i_went_to_a_fortune_teller/
%
Why are spiders clingy roommates?

Because they're an Arachneedy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ded0qu/why_are_spiders_clingy_roommates/
%
Tomorrow when my roommate asks me for a adderall before he takes his PSY test, I'm gonna give him a viagra.

His exam is gonna be a lot harder than expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ded0ce/tomorrow_when_my_roommate_asks_me_for_a_adderall/
%
Where do Hispanic cats go when they die?

Purrgato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ded0c6/where_do_hispanic_cats_go_when_they_die/
%
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar

One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/decy2q/two_male_deer_are_leaving_a_gay_bar/
%
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I never paid an extra hundred to have a garbanzo bean on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/decocb/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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A reporter is talking to a 17 year old hockey player

The reporter is asking the kid questions and the coach walks by and says “tell them what you know kid it won’t take very long.” The kid looks back at the coach and says, “ I’ll tell them what we both know it won’t take any longer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/decjv7/a_reporter_is_talking_to_a_17_year_old_hockey/
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The first black NASCAR driver...

...did alot for the race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deceg2/the_first_black_nascar_driver/
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I was touched by Jesus

in a Mexican prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/decc7w/i_was_touched_by_jesus/
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Little johnny was out walking with his mother.

Little johnny found 2 flies, 1 on top of the other. He caught them in his hands and looked inside.
Little johnny asked "Mommy, are there boy flies?"
Mom replied "Yes honey, there are."
He looked again "Mommy, are there girl flies?"
The mom didn't want him to learn to much "No honey, there aren't."
Little johnny looked into his hands once more and then smashed his hands together.
"Faggots!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/decc5d/little_johnny_was_out_walking_with_his_mother/
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What do you call fisherman who owns a slave?

A Master Baiter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/decatt/what_do_you_call_fisherman_who_owns_a_slave/
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You may think you're saving money at a self-serve gas station

You're only fueling yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/decat0/you_may_think_youre_saving_money_at_a_selfserve/
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Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/debzoc/police_officer_how_high_are_you/
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Someone stole my porch window , I called the police

They said they would look into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/debq5l/someone_stole_my_porch_window_i_called_the_police/
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A distress call comes in to Pierre at the Maine coast guard: "mayday mayday. We're 12 miles out on a capsized boat."

"no can do" Pierre said, "We've got all we can do searching for regular-sized boats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/debq0t/a_distress_call_comes_in_to_pierre_at_the_maine/
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The man who loved fishing

A husband is fanatical about fishing.
Twice a month on the weekend, he heads out for the lake early and spends most of the day.
He does this come rain or shine.
One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.
Coming out of his garage rain it is still dark and the rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50mph.
He makes a go of it, but the weather worsens the further he drives.
Finally, his common sense outdoes his desire to fish, and reluctantly, he turns around. 30 minutes later, he has made it back to his driveway.
He goes into the house and quietly turns on the TV to the weather channel.
He finds it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation.
He reaches around and cups one breast in his hand. Snuggling up to her neck, he whispers,
“The weather out there is terrible.”
To which she sleepily replies,
“Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/debmnn/the_man_who_loved_fishing/
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Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

Well, you got to hand it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/debk3h/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_prostitute/
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Todd Howard & Gabe Newell have planned to create a game to together, it's called...

To Be Announced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/debgxn/todd_howard_gabe_newell_have_planned_to_create_a/
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Why did the man ask his boss for more salad?

He thought he was due a celery increase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/debgf5/why_did_the_man_ask_his_boss_for_more_salad/
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Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?

Wife: What?
Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying:
I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/debg20/husband_why_are_the_defective_condoms_lying_on/
%
They say "a woman's work is never done"

Maybe that's why they get paid less

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deb9vs/they_say_a_womans_work_is_never_done/
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What’s the hottest thing about trans girls?

You know they’re all squirters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deb763/whats_the_hottest_thing_about_trans_girls/
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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deb0w5/a_jewish_boy_comes_home_from_school_and_tells_his/
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A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:
"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."
The children all seem quite excited by this activity. The teacher begins...
Teacher: "Let's start with you little Johnny. What did you do during lunch?"
Johnny: "I played in the sand."
Teacher: "Wonderful Johnny. If you can write 'sand' on the board, you get a biscuit."
Johnny successfully writes 'sand' on the board and is happy.
Teacher: "Miss Jenny, what about you? What did you do during lunch?
Jenny: "I played on the slide."
Teacher: "Very good Jenny. If you can write 'slide' on the board, you can have a biscuit."
Jenny succeeds in writing 'slide' on the board and is ecstatic.
The teacher moves on to her next student..
Teacher: "Achmed, what did you do over lunch?"
With a stammer in his voice and tears welling up in his eyes, Achmed starts his story.
Achmed: "I tried to play in the sand, but the boys called me names because I am different. Then I tried to play on the slide and the girls called me names and told me to get lost!"
Teacher: "Achmed, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination! I'll tell you what, if you can write 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, I'll give you a biscuit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deazi0/a_teacher_addresses_her_students_after_theyve/
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I used to view smokers as rude due to the harmful effects of secondhand smoke.

Now that assisted-suicide is legal, I view them as polite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deasyj/i_used_to_view_smokers_as_rude_due_to_the_harmful/
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Kid asks his father what a drunk is

Father replies, "You see those two trees there? A drunk would say there are four."
The kid is puzzled. He says, "But Dad, there's only one tree"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deanw1/kid_asks_his_father_what_a_drunk_is/
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a man walks into a bar very sad and out of energy

"Why the long face?" asks the bartender out of curiosity.
"I just found out my wife has been cheating on me. I can't take this anymore. I just want to end it all." says the man.
The bartender understands his pain and gives him advice. "You know something? If I found out my wife has been dating some other guy, I wouldn't sit around and cry, I'd murder the man!" says the bartender.
The man pauses and says "I'll consider that. Thank you. See you later." and then leaves the bar.
Many hours pass and the bartender is growing concerned and wondering if he shouldn't have said what he said.
The man finally returns hours later. Nervously, the bartender asks, "Well, did you murder the man?"
"Nope!" replies the man. "I slept with your wife. Beer, please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deamjs/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_very_sad_and_out_of_energy/
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Where do man-splainers get their water?

Ah...well..actually..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dealo8/where_do_mansplainers_get_their_water/
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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher wants to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/deadks/a_young_boy_says_to_his_father_dad_our_math/
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i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night

thanks daylight savings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dea9tm/i_had_sex_for_an_hour_and_24_seconds_last_night/
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A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dea6zc/a_man_arrived_to_a_gun_fight_with_nothing_other/
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A man and his family are on a road trip...

They pull into a seedy looking motel for the night. When they go to check in, he sends his family to the room and leans over the counter and says to the attendant:
"Sir, I hope all your porn channels are disabled."
The man behind the counter looks at him disgustedly and says:
"No, they're REGULAR porn channels you sick fuck!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dea5qt/a_man_and_his_family_are_on_a_road_trip/
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What vegetable is only slightly cool?

A Radish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dea3uq/what_vegetable_is_only_slightly_cool/
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Why did the blonde have a bruised belly button?

Her boyfriend was also blond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9zbr/why_did_the_blonde_have_a_bruised_belly_button/
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A politician dies…

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
“So, you’re a politician…” “Well, yes, is that a problem?” “Oh no, no problem. But we’ve recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you’re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!”
“Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??” says the politician. “Them’s the rules” Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears… And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he’s in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds… Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can’t be right?
“Open your eyes!” says a voice. “C'mon, wakey wakey, we’ve only got 24 hours!”. Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he’s in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite… And there’s a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. “Who are you??” The politician asks. “Well, I’m Satan!” says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. “Welcome to Hell!” “Wait, this is Hell? But… Where’s all the pain and suffering?” he asks. Satan throws him a wink. “Oh, we’ve been a bit mis-represented over the years, it’s a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there’s extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It’s a beautiful day, and if you’d care to look outside…” Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. “It’s one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there’s another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!” says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he’s admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he’s admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear… And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep… And is woken up by St Peter. “So, that was Hell. Wasn’t what you were expecting, I bet?” “No sir!” says the man. “So then” says St Peter “you can make your choice. It’s Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on”. “Well… I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I’d prefer Hell” says the politician. “Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!” Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. “What’s this??” He cries. “Where’s the hotel?? Where’s my wife??? Where’s the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???”
“Ah”, says Satan. “You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9w0y/a_politician_dies/
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The price of balloons have not gone up in over 50 years

Which is surprising considering inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9ug5/the_price_of_balloons_have_not_gone_up_in_over_50/
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I was going to go to the Erectile Dysfunction support group

But something came up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9ufx/i_was_going_to_go_to_the_erectile_dysfunction/
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With Britain leaving the EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

1 GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9rio/with_britain_leaving_the_eu_soon_how_much_space/
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What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture can be hung by 1 nail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9qyw/what_is_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a/
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My boss told be there would be a training seminar about sexual innuendo in the workplace and asked me to invite my secretary.

I left her a post it note saying if she couldn’t come I’d happily fill her slot for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9pzh/my_boss_told_be_there_would_be_a_training_seminar/
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When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”.

I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9iz3/when_you_donate_sperm_they_ask_if_you_have_any/
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If all the Dominos employees in the world held hands..

you'd have to make your own pizza

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9hmi/if_all_the_dominos_employees_in_the_world_held/
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A man wakes in hospital after a car crash missing his penis

After a terrible car crash a man wakes up in hospital to a doctor standing over him.
“Good news and bad news sir. You’re completely fine accept you lost your penis in the crash.”
The man pulls back the bedsheets and the doctor is right, there’s nothing down there at all.
The doctor tells the man there’s more good news and bad news.
“You’re in the only hospital in the world that can do penis transplants and we have three in the fridge waiting for you now. The bad news is these are very expensive and have to be paid for privately .
There’s a English penis that costs £5000.
There’s a Scottish penis that costs £6000.
Finally there’s a West Indian penis that costs £10,000.”
The man says “Wow that’s great news! But i have to run any financial decision past my wife first, she’s in the corridor if you could send her in.”
The doctor goes out to the corridor to send the wife in and tells the man he will return in 10 minutes.
After 10 minutes pass the doctor returns and asks the man “Have you decided what you’re going for?”
The man responds “Yes, a new kitchen.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9ghe/a_man_wakes_in_hospital_after_a_car_crash_missing/
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Black Hat Jack

One day in a Saloon in the Wild West, people were casually drinking and gambling when suddenly a cowboy storms into the saloon. He is covered in bruises and bullet wounds. With all the strength he could gather he mutters: "Guys, you need to leave, Black Hat Jack is coming" and then he falls dead. Nobody knew who Black Hat Jack was and they didn't take the warning seriously, so they just kept on drinking and gambling. Not long after, another cowboy storms into the saloon in an even worse condition. "Guys, Run! Black Hat Jack is coming" he said before collapsing. A few people grew concerned and left but most of them didn't. Finally the Town Sheriff Storms into the saloon half dead, covered in wounds, bruises and arrows. "You don't have a lot of time! Leave! Black Hat Jack is coming!". At this point, everyone panics and runs towards the door. But a tall black figure stops them right outside. He was tall, buff, completely dressed in black, had multiple pistols in his belt and a gang of bandits behind him. "Get back inside" he said with a deep raspy voice while holding his gun. Everyone gets back to their seats, trembling in fear. The man eats, drinks and the bandits take the wallets from all the diners. Eventually the man gets up and says "Well that was fun, but now it's time to go, We don't wanna be around when Black Hat Jack comes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9fj1/black_hat_jack/
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How do you get a catholic nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9et6/how_do_you_get_a_catholic_nun_pregnant/
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A guy asks a girl to go to a dance.

She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally gets his suit. He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys his flowers. He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait. Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9ebj/a_guy_asks_a_girl_to_go_to_a_dance/
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Scooby Doo taught me....

that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9d35/scooby_doo_taught_me/
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"A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de9cto/a_mind_is_a_terrible_thing_to_waste/
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What resolution is a white supremacists TV?

3K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de92vh/what_resolution_is_a_white_supremacists_tv/
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What the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies.

There isn’t a Lamborghini in my garage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de92mu/what_the_difference_between_a_lamborghini_and_a/
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My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de92bf/my_wife_threatened_to_divorce_me_when_i_said_i/
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A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her
“You have the right to remain silent” he says.
She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.
“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de8zu3/a_muslim_woman_is_getting_arrested/
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What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped his toes?

Mitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de8sc5/what_did_one_cell_say_to_his_sister_cell_when_she/
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I love a joke about the eyes.

The cornea the better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de8p6o/i_love_a_joke_about_the_eyes/
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What do you call a female rapper?

38 Cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de8oxw/what_do_you_call_a_female_rapper/
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What nickname did the Olympians give to the newly ascended god of masturbation

Jerkules

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de8mn3/what_nickname_did_the_olympians_give_to_the_newly/
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What’s seven inches long and hasn’t been sucked in years?

Amy Winehouse’s crackpipe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de8iyb/whats_seven_inches_long_and_hasnt_been_sucked_in/
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What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de8i4n/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
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"Chief, can I ask you something? How do you name these children?"

And the Indian chief says,
"It's very simple. When a child is born, and I see snow gently falling I say, you shall be called
Snow Gently Falling. And when a child is born
and I see a hawk flying over... I say, you shall be named Hawk Flying Over.
But tell me, Two Dogs Fucking,
why are you so interested?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de8hw2/chief_can_i_ask_you_something_how_do_you_name/
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Wife: I'm so tired of you talking about dinosaurs all the time. If you bring them up one more time I'm going to leave you

.
Husband: That's not true! Tell me one time I talked about dinosaurs
Wife: .......
Husband: (whispering) *She was silent, like the 'P' in Pterodactyls*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de8gkg/wife_im_so_tired_of_you_talking_about_dinosaurs/
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Thief

A thief has been stealing wheels off of police cars.
The police are working tirelessly to find him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de8elv/thief/
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They say a woman’s work is never done

Maybe that’s why they don’t get paid as much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de8ed9/they_say_a_womans_work_is_never_done/
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The dentist says my teeth are like a string of pearls

each one has a hole through it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de869s/the_dentist_says_my_teeth_are_like_a_string_of/
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I am finally living my dream. I bought land in Kissimmee Florida and opened my own donkey farm!

If you are in the area, stop by and see me at the Kissimmee Ass Ranch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de85kx/i_am_finally_living_my_dream_i_bought_land_in/
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Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de7kzl/buck_was_selling_his_car_and_and_girl_name_kelly/
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Me:I am scared of the vertical axis

Therapist:why
Me:[screams]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de7b00/mei_am_scared_of_the_vertical_axis/
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A seamen, an airmen, and a green beret, are stranded on an island...

and captured by a tribe of cannibals. The tribe ties them up and brings them in front of the chief. The chief explains to them, “We are going to eat you and skin you and use you to make our new canoes. We thank you for this gift and as a thank you we will allow you to choose the way you die.”
The seaman speaks up, “Bring me my service pistol with one round in it. I will kill my self”
The chief is hesitant but allows it to happen. The seamen take his pistol and shots himself in the head.
The airmen decided, “Bring me some poison and I will drink it.”
They bring him a coconut filled with a green liquid and he drinks it and falls over dead”
The green beret says, “ Bring me a fork and I will handle the rest.”
Everyone is puzzled but they oblige him.
The beret takes the fork and starts stabing himself everywhere screaming, “FUCK YOUR BOAT!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de7ayo/a_seamen_an_airmen_and_a_green_beret_are_stranded/
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Never play with a girls heart -she only have one

..play with her tits instead, she has two of those

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de78ne/never_play_with_a_girls_heart_she_only_have_one/
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What do you call an IT person who touches kids?

A pdffile
(or if you’re from my school mr Ambrose)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de724p/what_do_you_call_an_it_person_who_touches_kids/
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A man just moved into a new house...

His house was really nice and so was his neighborhood. But the first time he went to his backyard, he tried to look over the fence. When he approached the fence, it started screetching at him.
"REEEEEEE!"
Startled, the man jumped back. He thought no one would believe him if he told them, and maybe the move was getting to his head, so he didn't tell anyone and went back to unpacking.
The next day, feeling rested and refreshed, he approached the fence again but from a different spot. As soon as he tried to look over it,
"REEEEEEE" went the fence. The man jumped back in shock. Clearly he wasn't hallucinating.
He tried many many times again and again, wondering what terrible secret lay on the other side. Who lived in that house that the fences were acting like this?
He eventually swallowed his pride and went and asked another neighbour. He invited the neighbour over and demonstrated. Sure enough, the fence screetched at him.
"Ohhh, don't mind that!" His neighbour chuckled. "r/jokes lives on the other side of that fence. Those are just all his REEEE posts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de6t77/a_man_just_moved_into_a_new_house/
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The marketing lesson

This really happened, at least by what I've heard. A guy went to the market and saw a stand selling watermelons with a cardboard reading: "1 melon - 3$, 3 melon - 10$".
He decided to teach the seller a math lesson and bought a melon for 3$. Then he said "you know what, I would like one more" and bought a second melon. Then he said "fuck it, give me one more".
After he took the 3 melons for just 9$, he said to the seller: "Now, I have 3 melons for 9$. If I'd bought all 3 at once, I would've paid 10$. So, now you see how wrong is your math?"
"Yes, I know", replied the seller. "But my marketing is not as bad, because you bought 3 melons instead of just one, only to prove how stupid I am. You have now idea how many smart guys have tried to teach me math today".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de64k1/the_marketing_lesson/
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What do you call a grammar Nazi?

A corrections officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de5tuw/what_do_you_call_a_grammar_nazi/
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My rock collection isn't worth much...

But it has sedimental value

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de5n1h/my_rock_collection_isnt_worth_much/
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I almost got raped in jail

My family takes monopoly too seriously

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de5mdl/i_almost_got_raped_in_jail/
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Did you hear about the guy who got a window shoved up his butt?

It was a huge pane in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de5man/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_a_window/
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Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.
The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish," replied the younger alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired.
There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge.
"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de5l5b/two_aliens_landed_in_the_new_mexico_desert_near_a/
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All my four sons want to be valets

Man to Psychiatrist : I am depressed, doctor. All my four sons want to be valets when they grow up.
Psychiatrist : That is the strangest case of parking sons disease I have come across!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de5cl2/all_my_four_sons_want_to_be_valets/
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Be careful when sharing jokes...

I read a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your laundry in."
I decided to repeat the joke at work the other day to some co-workers and when I finished, one guy got really offended and that I shouldn't tell jokes like that because his younger brother died in the bath as a child while having an epileptic fit.
I asked, "Did he drown?"
The guy was furious and said, "No, he choked on a sock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de5a0i/be_careful_when_sharing_jokes/
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What’s a woman’s favorite body part?

I can’t remember what it’s called but it’s on the tip of my tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de57hl/whats_a_womans_favorite_body_part/
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I'm addicted to brake fluid.

But I can stop whenever I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de53b8/im_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de52vt/you_know_why_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_up_in/
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Two women are in a insane asylum

Eventually they can't take anymore.
#THEY DECIDE TO ESCAPE!#
At night they slip out of their rooms and sneak towards the stairs. They climb up the stairs and make it to the roof. From there they can smell the fresh air, and taste freedom. All they have to do is jump to the next building.
The first woman doesn't hesitate. She quickly jumps over and lands safely on the building. She smiles and grins ready to go.
The second woman freezes. She looks down the crevice to ally below. The first woman looks back and asks "what's wrong?". The second woman replies "I can't make it... I'll fall and die!"
The first woman says "look, I got this flashlight here. Why don't you let me shine a beam of light across and you can walk on it over to this building. Then we can be free!?"
The second woman replies: "What do you think I'm crazy?? You'll just turn it off when I'm halfway across!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de52sp/two_women_are_in_a_insane_asylum/
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What’s the difference between a nun and a woman in the shower?

One of them, has hope in her soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de520d/whats_the_difference_between_a_nun_and_a_woman_in/
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What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de4tpr/what_do_you_call_a_woman_standing_in_the_middle/
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What does a hornytoad say?

Rubbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de4svv/what_does_a_hornytoad_say/
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The only place that would ever hire me was a sperm bank for midgets.

I have many shortcomings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de4rw1/the_only_place_that_would_ever_hire_me_was_a/
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Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because its cheaper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de4qeq/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_female/
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A store selling 'New Husbands'

A shop selling new husbands has been opened.
There women can go to find a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance are the following:
You can only visit this store ONCE! It is six floors and the value of the products increases as you come up the floors.
You can choose a product on one floor or you can choose to go up one floor.
But you can't walk down a floor, except to leave the store.
A woman enters the Husband's Shop to find herself a husband. On the first floor there is a sign on the door that says:
First Floor - These men have permanent jobs.
She is interested, but continues to the second floor where it says:
Second Floor - These men have a permanent job and love children.
"It's fine" she thinks, "but I want more".
So she continues upwards. On the third floor it says on the sign:
Third Floor - These men have a permanent job, love children, and look extremely good.
"Shit," she thinks, but feels like she has to move on.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign says:
Fourth Floor - These men have a permanent job, love children, look insanely good and help with the housework.
"Oh, God help me!" she says, "I can't stand it!"
But she still goes up another floor and the sign says:
Fifth Floor - These men have a permanent job, love children, look insanely good, help with the housework and are very romantic.
She is so tempted, but goes up to the sixth floor, where it says following on the sign:
6th floor - You are visitor number 31.456.012 on this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists only as evidence that it is impossible to satisfy women.
Thank you for visiting Husband's Store
To avoid being accused of gender discrimination, the shop owner has opened a "New Wife Shop" just opposite.
The first floor has wives who love sex.
The second floor has wives who love sex, have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never had visitors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de4m8w/a_store_selling_new_husbands/
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There are 10 types of genders.

I just don’t know what to base it on though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de4lo5/there_are_10_types_of_genders/
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How do you find out if a girl is ticklish

You give her a couple of test-tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de4jfv/how_do_you_find_out_if_a_girl_is_ticklish/
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A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de4gn8/a_slice_of_apple_pie_is_250_in_jamaica_and_300_in/
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My own pastor told me this joke at Church

A man is sleeping peacefully in his comfortable bed.
His mother suddenly yells at him, "GET UP! YOU'LL BE LATE FOR CHURCH!"
He groans. "I don't want to go to church."
Mom: "Why not?"
Man: "I don't like any of the people there. They're such goodie goodies, it's boring."
Mom: "But you have to go to church!"
Man: "Give me one good reason I should go to church."
Mom: "Because you're the dang pastor Phil."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de4gmz/my_own_pastor_told_me_this_joke_at_church/
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2 astronauts are in the ISS having breakfast

One asks the other, "can I have some milk for my coffee?"
The other replies, "in space, no one can. Here, use cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de47pd/2_astronauts_are_in_the_iss_having_breakfast/
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What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

They vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de40w9/what_do_japanese_men_do_when_they_have_erections/
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*Enters ugly contest*

Judge: Sorry, no professionals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de3zuv/enters_ugly_contest/
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Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de3yq7/today_a_girl_kissed_me/
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My friend bought a DeLorean, but I never see him drive it.

He brags about it a lot, but I've never seen it leave his garage. I finally asked him "This is cool, but do you ever actually drive it?"
"Sure," he said, "from time to time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de3xvk/my_friend_bought_a_delorean_but_i_never_see_him/
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I saw a film about the fall of the USSR

It was a blocbuster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de3ww6/i_saw_a_film_about_the_fall_of_the_ussr/
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A Boy and his Grandpa were out on the Patio...

The boy asks, “Grandpa, can I try your beer?”
The grandpa replies, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”
The boy replies with, “No.”
“Well then, there’s your answer!”
A few weeks later the boy and his grandpa are out on the patio again, grandpa with his beer in hand.
“Hey grandpa, can I try your beer now?”
Grandpa replies with the same, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”
The boy, thinking back to last time, is sure he’ll get to try it this time and says, “Yes!”
The grandpa smiles and says, “Well, then you can go fuck yourself!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de3v47/a_boy_and_his_grandpa_were_out_on_the_patio/
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I just bought a 2 million dollar house and a 500,000 dollar sports car with my beautiful new wife and fantastic job.

Yes, my life has certainly gotten better since I took up lying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de3syr/i_just_bought_a_2_million_dollar_house_and_a/
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There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de3svv/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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This is your captain speaking...

#**...AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de3qy2/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
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The first rule of tautology club...

...is the first rule of tautology club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de3qaz/the_first_rule_of_tautology_club/
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I’m ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de3maw/im_ok_with_cigarettes_alcohol_and_even_marijuana/
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What do you call a beat-up Hulk?

Bruised Banner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de3jwp/what_do_you_call_a_beatup_hulk/
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de39zg/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/
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What did the CIA say to the clock that would only say, "Tick, tick, tick?"

Stop stalling. We have ways to make you tock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de38ph/what_did_the_cia_say_to_the_clock_that_would_only/
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Why did Hitler only drink water?

He doesn't like juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de3842/why_did_hitler_only_drink_water/
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Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de37i1/why_was_darth_vader_referred_to_as_lord_vader/
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It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de3081/its_important_to_look_closely_at_lawn_signs/
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Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de2umd/is_google_male_or_female/
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What’s Netflix’s biggest competitor?

Sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de2jz6/whats_netflixs_biggest_competitor/
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What would be this subreddit's name if we were eggs

r/yolks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de2j4s/what_would_be_this_subreddits_name_if_we_were_eggs/
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Little known fact, the mods of /r/Jokes are all actually Peruvian owls…

I think they're Inca hoots…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de2elt/little_known_fact_the_mods_of_rjokes_are_all/
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I just recieved the worst gift of all time...

.. A Bonnie Tyler sat nav. Keeps on telling me to “turn around”
And every now and then it falls apart.
Still, not as bad as the U2 one, where the streets have no names, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de2aga/i_just_recieved_the_worst_gift_of_all_time/
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Sometimes I hand a Lego to my blind friend and ask him what it says.

Apparently all Legos say “Fuck off!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de2ade/sometimes_i_hand_a_lego_to_my_blind_friend_and/
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What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?

I will not die in vein!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de2710/what_did_the_blood_cell_say_before_it_died_in_an/
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Little Jack (6 years old) goes with his parents to the nudist beach.

He is playing with sand and creates castles or swims in the water. After 30 minutes he comes back to his mom and asks:
“Mom Mom, why have all the women different sizes of their breasts?”
Mom answers:
“oh hmm, see my son, the women with small breasts are poor, the ones with big breasts are rich. That’s the difference.”
Little Jack is satisfied with this answer and goes back to his sand-castle.
After 30 minutes he comes back again to his mother and asks:
“Mom Mom, why have all the men different sizes of their penises?”
Mom answers:
“oh hmm, see my son, the men with a small penis are not smart, but the ones with a big penis are very intelligent. That’s the difference.”
Little Jack is satisfied with this answer and goes back to his sand-castle.
After 30 minutes he comes again back to his mother and says:
“Mom Mom, Daddy is talking to a very rich woman and every second he is getting smarter and smarter.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de25f0/little_jack_6_years_old_goes_with_his_parents_to/
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Fred and mary got married

but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think? His mom replies, I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, Are Fred and Mary up yet? She replies, No. Johnny says, Do you know what I think? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, Are Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says No. He asks, Do you know what I think? His Mom replies, Ok, do tell me what you think?
He says last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de24y8/fred_and_mary_got_married/
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What is a fight called between an illegal immigrant and a sex offender?

Alien vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de229z/what_is_a_fight_called_between_an_illegal/
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"Someone slept on my bed" -Said Mommy Bear

"Who hasn't "  -Muttered Daddy Bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de21c0/someone_slept_on_my_bed_said_mommy_bear/
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I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician.....

I was just sitting there doing nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de20pc/i_cant_believe_i_was_arrested_for_impersonating_a/
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Saved by the Stuttering

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don’t stutter any more."
The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r.. a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de1tfk/saved_by_the_stuttering/
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My wife told me you've aged like a fine wine. More complex, more flavoursome, increased sweetness. Overall tastier

But with more body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de1pjv/my_wife_told_me_youve_aged_like_a_fine_wine_more/
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Can anybody help me with a crossword clue?

Where they nailed Jesus (2 across)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de1n98/can_anybody_help_me_with_a_crossword_clue/
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I was addicted to the hokey pokey...

Thankfully, I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de1jpg/i_was_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de1ijn/teacher_ok_sally_make_a_sentence_using_the_word/
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My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,

I said, "No, wait! I can change."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de1ijj/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_was_leaving_me_because/
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What do you get if you mix Ex-Lax with holy water?

A religious movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de1ibl/what_do_you_get_if_you_mix_exlax_with_holy_water/
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*Phone sex with a blind girl*

"What are you wearing?"
Girl: I don't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de19y0/phone_sex_with_a_blind_girl/
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How many brexitiers does it take to replace a lightbulb?

Two. One to promise a brighter future and one to screw it up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de177n/how_many_brexitiers_does_it_take_to_replace_a/
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Bit of a political

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de0tka/bit_of_a_political/
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I have a brexit joke for ya

But I’ll need another 6 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de0m5a/i_have_a_brexit_joke_for_ya/
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The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de0ly4/the_person_who_invented_autocorrect_walks_into_a/
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What’s the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de0hw2/whats_the_definition_of_trust/
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A man is walking his dog down the road

An attractive woman who is passing by stops bends over and starts petting the dog.
She looks up and asks "What's his name ?"
The man replies "I don't know he won't tell me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de0hrs/a_man_is_walking_his_dog_down_the_road/
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Women are like grenades....

Remove the ring and your house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de034m/women_are_like_grenades/
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A blonde was at home getting dinner ready...

Her husband walks in and says,"Hi honey I'm home.By the way,there were these three blondes,right?And they were walking down the...
"Wait a minute,stop right there."she interrupts."This isn't another dumb blonde joke is it?"
He replies,"Well,yes it is.Anyhow,they were...
She again stops him."You know something?I am getting so tired of these stupid,dumb,blonde jokes.Not all blondes are stupid I'll have you know."
"I know that honey I'm sorry.Ok.No more blonde jokes."And the rest of the evening went on.
The next morning the husband is off to work as usual but the whole "dumb blonde joke"thing is still playing heavy on her mind.So,to show her husband just how smart she was,she decides to paint the inside of the house.
She goes to the local paint store and he fixes her up with all the right paint and rollers and instructions on how to paint the inside of the house correctly.So she goes home and puts on a down jacket and a windbreaker and starts painting the inside of the house,sweating her ass off the whole time. Just when she finishes her last stroke her husband walks in and notices the smell of paint in the air.
"My goodness honey you painted the whole inside of the house. I don't believe it.It looks great.But here it is, the middle of August, and you're sitting there in a pool of sweat with a down jacket and windbreaker on. What's up with that?"
"We'll, I went to the paint store and the person behind the counter told me exactly what to do and he recommended I put on two coats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de01dk/a_blonde_was_at_home_getting_dinner_ready/
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Catholics are fucking assholes.

And yours is next.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/de015d/catholics_are_fucking_assholes/
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What you see, Kemo Sabe?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddzyyx/what_you_see_kemo_sabe/
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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddzxqa/by_legalizing_cannabis_and_samesex_marriage_we/
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I once auditioned as a playbunny.

Now I can’t come near the petting zoo anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddzsrt/i_once_auditioned_as_a_playbunny/
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Two blondes decided to go hiking up in the mountains...

Sure enough they got lost.One says to the other,"Well,pull out that field guide we bought and see what it is were suppose to do."So she fumbles through it.
"Ah.Here it is.It says were suppose to fire three shots in the air and that will let any one in the area know we are in distress and call the rangers."So they fired three shots and waited.An hour went by and they fired three more.This continued throughout the day,to no avail.
"Well,it's starting to get dark.Fire three more in the air and if nobody comes we'll start walking,"one of them says.
The other replied,"Well I would but I ran out of arrows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddzsr7/two_blondes_decided_to_go_hiking_up_in_the/
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“ I swear i will kill someone if they fire me”

Said the bullet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddzpjt/i_swear_i_will_kill_someone_if_they_fire_me/
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I have seen a lot of fat jokes here recently, and we should be nicer to them.

They have enough on their plates as it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddzfee/i_have_seen_a_lot_of_fat_jokes_here_recently_and/
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Don't let Nebuchadnezzar corner you at parties

He tends to babble on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddz1si/dont_let_nebuchadnezzar_corner_you_at_parties/
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[NSFW] I need to get something off my chest...

I just masturbated while lying down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddz0iv/nsfw_i_need_to_get_something_off_my_chest/
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I went to the medical office yesterday and...

the doctor came in, looking over a clipboard, "Yeah, you're going to have to stop masturbating.
I asked, "But why, doc?"
He said, "Because I need to give you an exam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddyz3s/i_went_to_the_medical_office_yesterday_and/
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If you have a child, you can name them “one million subscribers on YouTube”

Then you can tell people you hit one million subscribers on YouTube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddyslk/if_you_have_a_child_you_can_name_them_one_million/
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(long) a blind joke.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddyjbu/long_a_blind_joke/
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Four men are stranded on a deserted island

After wandering for days, they finally come upon a small shack in the distance. Unsure of its safety, one friend volunteers to investigate while the other three stay behind.
Taking a deep breath, the bravest of the friends walks through the front door and finds a witch waiting for him.
“Oh, ho ho. Stuck on this island are you?” The witch asks, “Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you all the fresh water you can drink if you can give me an orgasm.”
The man, seeing no other options, agrees, and so the witch lays herself upon her kitchen table and spreads her legs, unleashing a swatch of noxious fumes from her ancient nethers.
The man looks around the room quickly, desperate, and spots a tray of corn on the cob cooling on the windowsill.
Grabbing one, he rams it into the witch, and starts going to town on her until she starts to jerk, spurt, and squirt as she suddenly comes to an orgasm. Then quickly throws it out the window before she can see.
“If you do that one more time. I’ll give you a million dollars.” The witch says in a daze.
Shrugging, the man grabs another piece of corn on the cob and rams it into the witch until she again jerks, spurts, and squirts, coming to an orgasm. He quickly throws Then quickly throws the corn out the window and stands back in triumph.
“If you do that just one more time, I’ll give you a magic Jeep that you can use to fly off this island and never return.”
The mans eyes widen. He grabs the last piece of corn on the cob and rams it into the witch, and sure enough she’s soon jerking, spurting, and squirting to orgasm. The man throws the corn out the window and bursts out the door of the shack.
Running back onto the beach he sees the magic Jeep waiting for him, with a million dollars and a lifetime supply of clean water sitting in the back, but he doesn’t see either of his three friends...
Suddenly, the three other friends come running up from around the side of the shack with huge smiles upon their faces.
“Man, I don’t know what you were doing in there, but we just had the best damn corn on the cob...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddy5dk/four_men_are_stranded_on_a_deserted_island/
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The problem with dark humor is...

that a lot of jokes don’t land very well, kinda like those pilots during 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddy0sm/the_problem_with_dark_humor_is/
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When I said that I wanted to be a comedian, everybody laughed at me...

Well no-one is laughing now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddxy7f/when_i_said_that_i_wanted_to_be_a_comedian/
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Knock knock.

Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddxrf4/knock_knock/
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What is the most fearful disease for a fruit?

Lemon-AIDs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddxn8q/what_is_the_most_fearful_disease_for_a_fruit/
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Teacher: If you had $1 and you asked you father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Trevor: One.
Teacher: You dont know your math.
Trevor: You don't know my father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddxkor/teacher_if_you_had_1_and_you_asked_you_father_for/
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What's the difference between a joke and a cock?

Jokes come out of my nouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddxkm1/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_a_cock/
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What do you call a German barber?

Herr Cut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddxeay/what_do_you_call_a_german_barber/
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Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?

They have no Seoul .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddxdrz/why_is_north_korea_worse_than_south_korea/
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A German, a Frenchman, and a Irishman walk into a pub.

The pub was known for being a wee bit of a dive. Dirty, poor service, but the three men were poor and the drinks were always cheap. They welcomed themselves into the pub and sat at the bar.
Notoriously, the service was poor. The barkeep chatted with other bar patrons for a good long while before walking over to the three and taking their orders. Less then kindly, he asked them what they wanted. Te German ordered a pint of beer, whatever they had. The Frenchman ordered their best red wine, not the house swill. The Irishman ordered a glass of good Irish whiskey on the rocks.
After a long, long while, the three received their drinks. They all made faces when they were served, each finding something amiss. Not that any of them were shocked; the pub had to earn its reputation somehow. The German's beer had a lipstick stain on the pint glass. The Frenchman had a long black hair in his wine. The Irishman has dead fruit flies in his whiskey, drowned and floating.
Each man reacted and acted upon his muddled drink of a different course.
The German simple took a cocktail napkin from the pile and scrubbed off red lipstick and started drinking. The Frenchman, appalled and disgusted, pushed away his stemmed glass and sent the wine back. The Irishman lifted up his stout rocks tumbler and held it his eye, glared into the drink. At the flies.
Sticking his fingers into the ice and whiskey, he picked out one of the flies and bellowed at it, "SPIT IT OUT, YOU WEE LITTLE BASTARD! SPIT IT OUT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddxbys/a_german_a_frenchman_and_a_irishman_walk_into_a/
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When people ask me and my wife how long we've been married, I tell them, "Ten wonderful years!"

"Fourteen total."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddxbx4/when_people_ask_me_and_my_wife_how_long_weve_been/
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What do you call a Russian Batman?

Blyatman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddx5vs/what_do_you_call_a_russian_batman/
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I have received hundreds of replies to my ad for a husband. They all say the same thing.

"Take mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddwz7b/i_have_received_hundreds_of_replies_to_my_ad_for/
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I lost 20 pounds with Weightwatchers...

They took my money and I weigh the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddwyjs/i_lost_20_pounds_with_weightwatchers/
%
A skeleton walks into a bar...

He asks for a beer and a mop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddwwx3/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you get when experiencing rapid decompression in a German luxury automobile?

Mercedes-Bends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddww4n/what_do_you_get_when_experiencing_rapid/
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What's the best thing about memes of All Star?

They don't stop coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddwrvm/whats_the_best_thing_about_memes_of_all_star/
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There are two types of men in this world,

Men who have tried to suck their own penis, and liars.- Crit1kal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddwr2u/there_are_two_types_of_men_in_this_world/
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If a fire hydrant has H20 inside, what does it have on the outside?

K9P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddwnbr/if_a_fire_hydrant_has_h20_inside_what_does_it/
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I found a tumor in the vending machine.

Don't worry though, it was B9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddwlx6/i_found_a_tumor_in_the_vending_machine/
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If you drink the blue liquid inside a magic 8 ball you can see the future

I knew someone who did
said he was gonna die
he did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddw8ns/if_you_drink_the_blue_liquid_inside_a_magic_8/
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What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

The outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddw5w8/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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How do you hide a million dollars from the FBI?

Give it to the CIA, those two don't share anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddw22t/how_do_you_hide_a_million_dollars_from_the_fbi/
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What do you call a blister on a Tyrannosaurus Rex?

A Dino Sore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddvxky/what_do_you_call_a_blister_on_a_tyrannosaurus_rex/
%
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.

Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddvvpa/never_challenge_death_to_a_pillow_fight/
%
There is only one fact I gathered from chemistry.

It was that alcohol is always a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddvtmy/there_is_only_one_fact_i_gathered_from_chemistry/
%
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddvlse/got_my_dream_job_today_i_get_my_own_200_thousand/
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What do you call it when just a few crows land on your lawn?

Attempted Murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddv9b8/what_do_you_call_it_when_just_a_few_crows_land_on/
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I made a web site for older people to hook up.

It's called Carbon Dating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddv6k0/i_made_a_web_site_for_older_people_to_hook_up/
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Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddv2xg/three_men_are_in_a_hotel_room_in_soviet_russia/
%
I walked into the bedroom and found my wife dead in the bed.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have last go. Right in the middle she opended her eyes and shouted "BOO!"
Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddv1gf/i_walked_into_the_bedroom_and_found_my_wife_dead/
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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dduzm9/my_wife_said_we_should_hire_a_maid_the_job_will/
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My girlfriend wants me to dress up as an Eskimo while having sex.

Some might think it's a little weird, but I'm innuit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dduwks/my_girlfriend_wants_me_to_dress_up_as_an_eskimo/
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Me and my wife have decided not to have kids....

The kids aren’t taking it too well though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dduv2r/me_and_my_wife_have_decided_not_to_have_kids/
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What did Ken tell Ryu when Ryu thought he couldn't defeat M. Bison?

"SUUUUUUUREYOUCAN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddutmq/what_did_ken_tell_ryu_when_ryu_thought_he_couldnt/
%
Bought a air fresher for my car today.

Now I just need to buy a car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddujnb/bought_a_air_fresher_for_my_car_today/
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My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter...

So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dduf4m/my_parents_said_that_if_i_got_a_tattoo_id_have_to/
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Did you know that when a short person waves at you...

It’s called a microwave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dducr1/did_you_know_that_when_a_short_person_waves_at_you/
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I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well, now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dduar8/i_remember_being_a_kid_and_my_parents_filling_my/
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Whats the best pet to take travelling?

A carpet. Im sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddu8p5/whats_the_best_pet_to_take_travelling/
%
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together

Then we could have a Soviet re-Union

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddu3ip/we_should_get_all_the_exussr_states_back_together/
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Being a vegetarian in Germany is so difficult.

It’s the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddu1ib/being_a_vegetarian_in_germany_is_so_difficult/
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If you jumped off a bridge in Paris

You would be IN SEINE.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddtww3/if_you_jumped_off_a_bridge_in_paris/
%
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?

It's either my way or Norway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddtpth/what_did_the_viking_boss_say_to_his_band_of/
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what do u call a group of colonels ?

a cob .
get it . cuz colonel is pronounced kernel . like corn .
i try ok .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddtoef/what_do_u_call_a_group_of_colonels/
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I hate being the only 3D modelling guy at my workplace

Every day my coworkers will ask if I can do them a solid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddto4p/i_hate_being_the_only_3d_modelling_guy_at_my/
%
What do you call a cow that everyone likes?

Legendairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddtkr5/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_everyone_likes/
%
Why do people hate repost on this site?

Cause they’ve already reddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddtjni/why_do_people_hate_repost_on_this_site/
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Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?

Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddtibu/why_did_sean_connery_adopt_a_cat/
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A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher
'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy
'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher
'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddtc8n/a_little_boy_tells_his_nursery_teacher_that_he/
%
How many HK protesters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick Question: They can't change anything.
Jk dont take this seriously plz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddtc4m/how_many_hk_protesters_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Hey girl, are you from IKEA?

'Cause my wife and I are going to have a fight over you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddt3zi/hey_girl_are_you_from_ikea/
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What’s a racecar backwards?

Terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddsyhq/whats_a_racecar_backwards/
%
3 nuns die and go to heaven...

.. when they get there saint peter tells them he can grant them to be reincarnated as anyone they want for 6 months. The first nun walks up and said "I want to be a young and beautiful Brittany Spears" ((snap)) she disappeared.. the second nun walks up and says "I want to be Janet Jackson with lungs of steel" ((snap)) she disappeared.. the 3rd nun is an old Italian lady and says " *I want to be Alaska pippilinni*" "I'm sorry sister, who?" "*Alaska pippilinni*" "I'm sorry sister please show me who" the 3rd nun holds up a newspaper with the title "ALASKA PIPELINE LAID BY 500 MEN IN 6 MONTHS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddsxn7/3_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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Why do churches have so many statues and paintings featuring naked boys?

Early form of motivational art - to keep employee morale up and remind them what they're working for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddsrwr/why_do_churches_have_so_many_statues_and/
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What did the Hobbits scream as they were riding the Ents into battle against Isengard?

Run, Forest, run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddsm1t/what_did_the_hobbits_scream_as_they_were_riding/
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My attorney specializes in fine dining...

He's a sue chef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddskvd/my_attorney_specializes_in_fine_dining/
%
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”
She said, “You pick.”
I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”
She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddshpq/yesterday_a_beautiful_girl_asked_me_if_i_wanted/
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Beethovan: Are you guys ready for some symphonies tonight?

Crowd:(cheers) Yeah!!!
Beethovan: I can't hear you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddruoa/beethovan_are_you_guys_ready_for_some_symphonies/
%
What did the boy say after finding a book of maps?

'Yes! Atlas!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddrtte/what_did_the_boy_say_after_finding_a_book_of_maps/
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Today was my first day as a pilot

I looked down nervously.
"What are all these buttons for?" I asked.
My co-pilot sighed.
"Those are to keep your shirt closed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddrp62/today_was_my_first_day_as_a_pilot/
%
my dog...

Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddrl58/my_dog/
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I’ve been told that I look like a Greek statue

But only from the waist down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddr83r/ive_been_told_that_i_look_like_a_greek_statue/
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So my dog used to chase people on a bike all thr time.

It got so bad I had to take away his bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddr317/so_my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_all_thr/
%
A skeleton walks into a bar.

He says, "Hey bartender! Give me two beers and a mop!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddqx9x/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
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A girl with 12 boobs sounds weird

Dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddqwwi/a_girl_with_12_boobs_sounds_weird/
%
I heard pornhub plant a tree for every 100 videos watched

I guess I’m gonna “single handedly” save the planet then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddqw6v/i_heard_pornhub_plant_a_tree_for_every_100_videos/
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A Frenchman, an Argentine, and a Brazilian were publicly drinking in Russia during the 2018 World Cup.

But that is prohibited there, so they were captured by the police and taken to court.
The judge said that as the country was celebrating, they would take only 20 lashes, with the right to have a wish That wasn't be escape the punishment.
The Frenchman was the first, the judge said:
J: "Ah, France, your country is so rude and narcissistic and I hate you, but as promised, you will be entitled to a wish, what do you want?
He replied:
F: "I want a pillow tied behind my back"
Done. They tied the pillow and after 8 lashes the pillow gave way.
Then came the Argentine, the judge said:
J: "Argentina, a very rude people, but promise is promise, what do you want?"
He replied:
A: "I want TWO pillows tied behind my back"
They tied the pillows and after 13 lashes the pillows gave way.
Finally the Brazilian, the judge said:
J: "Ah, Brazil, wonderful land, samba, football, beautiful women. You will get 2 wishes. What do you want?"
He asked:
B: "I want 200 lashes"
The surprised judge said:
J: "Brave, and what's the second?"
B: "Tie the Argentine behind my back".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddqru8/a_frenchman_an_argentine_and_a_brazilian_were/
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“Dad..I have an imaginary girlfriend.”

His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?”
“Thanks dad. That means a lot.”
“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddqr1d/dadi_have_an_imaginary_girlfriend/
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I perform circumcisions at the local synagogue

The pay isn’t great but I get to keep the tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddqqec/i_perform_circumcisions_at_the_local_synagogue/
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I want to move to Switzerland

The people are pleasant, the economy is great, and the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddqoza/i_want_to_move_to_switzerland/
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The Hunter

A man went bear hunting one day.
Deep in the mountains, he saw a gigantic drizzly resting.
He took aim, and pulled the trigger.
He went to where he had seen the bear,  but it was nowhere to be found.
He felt a tap on his shoulder, turned and saw the bear
"I am so tired of hunters trying to kill me,  so you have a choice. You blow me, or I kill you."
The hunter did the deed, and the bear left happy.
After a month the hunter returned to get his revenge. He got a larger rifle, and laid in wait for the bear.
After days, he found the bear again, took aim, and shot.
He went to where the bear was, and again it had dissapeared. He felt a tap on his shoulder, turned, and again saw the bear.
"You didnt learn your lesson last time? Same options, your choice."
The hunter did the deed again, and left humiliated.
Almost a year later he returned. He prepared even more, getting explosives, traps, and an elephant rifle.
He set up all of his traps in a clearing, and made sure to bait it with a feast.
He laid waiting for the bear for a week, barely eating, and not moving. At last, the bear came sniffing around, and stopped in the clearing for the feast.
In one move, he activated the explosives, the traps, and shot the bear. A cloud of smoke and dust flew up and stayed for 10 minutes.
The hunter went to the clearing to finally claim his prize. And he felt the tap on his shoulder. He turned, and there was the bear, completely unharmed with a smirk on his face.
"Let's be honest, this isn't about the hunting anymore, is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddqfwg/the_hunter/
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How come the Joker can have so many different suits?

He has plenty of room in his Joaquin closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddqd85/how_come_the_joker_can_have_so_many_different/
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I inherited a bunch of comic books from my brother, but all of them had the last page missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddq9no/i_inherited_a_bunch_of_comic_books_from_my/
%
why are there no Wal-Marts in Syria?

All they have are Targets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddq6w0/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_syria/
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Today’s kids can never make up there minds

My son just asked me to make him a bookshelf and now he is complaining about the books hurting his back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddpxgo/todays_kids_can_never_make_up_there_minds/
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Why do detectives look to a Will when searching for murder suspects?

Because a Will is a dead giveaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddpxdz/why_do_detectives_look_to_a_will_when_searching/
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We all know where the Big Apple is...

But does anyone know where the 'Minne-apol-is'?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddpt4n/we_all_know_where_the_big_apple_is/
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My wife asked me to hire a cleaning lady.

I said why, I already have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddplgp/my_wife_asked_me_to_hire_a_cleaning_lady/
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A skydiving company was taken to court because they let a man jump off without a parachute.

In response, the company said “We did tell him he could only do it once.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddpk34/a_skydiving_company_was_taken_to_court_because/
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Sex and vampires

The reason that sex with a vampire usually doesn't produce any offspring isn't because the sperm is dead, it's because the vampire can't come inside with out an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTed Talk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddpj9k/sex_and_vampires/
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What kind of bee can never be understood?

A mumble-bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddp9t8/what_kind_of_bee_can_never_be_understood/
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Ventriloquist: I am a ventriloquist.

Me: You any Good?
Me: The Best
Me: WTF?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddp96s/ventriloquist_i_am_a_ventriloquist/
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One little boy has never said a word

At first his parents were concerned, but no doctor could find any problem.
One day at launch boy says:
"There is too much salt in my soup"
His parents are shocked:
"You can speak?! Why didn't you ever said anythink?"
"Because up until now everything was ok"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddp2oq/one_little_boy_has_never_said_a_word/
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Why doctors also need to attend Anger Management course?

A woman comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."
DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."
WOMAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
WOMAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."'
DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no, you IDIOT!
I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."
WOMAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."
DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):"Which one?"
WOMAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddp05k/why_doctors_also_need_to_attend_anger_management/
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A boiled a funny bone once.

It turned into a laughing stock. It was humorous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddox8n/a_boiled_a_funny_bone_once/
%
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.

Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddovjx/my_girlfriend_just_told_me_im_a_poor_listener/
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I dated a ghost once.

But she was kinda possessive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddoir4/i_dated_a_ghost_once/
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Just been mugged by 6 dwarves

Not happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddoh2h/just_been_mugged_by_6_dwarves/
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Flat-Earthers believe in karma, too. They be like ' What goes around....

comes across'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddog9o/flatearthers_believe_in_karma_too_they_be_like/
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How many reddit joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?

Not sure; still waiting for one to notice it's worn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddod9x/how_many_reddit_joke_tellers_does_it_take_to/
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Me: you want to come over tonight?

Her: Sure. But I’m still on mg period until Tuesday...
Me: So?? I’m really offended that you think it’s all that I’m looking for!
Her: You’re right. Sorry about that.
Me: Never mind just give me some time to cool off.
Her: Ok
Me: I‘ll just talk to you on Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddo9fw/me_you_want_to_come_over_tonight/
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Have you heard about the man who lost his left arm and foot in a car accident?

Reports are telling he's all right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddo54q/have_you_heard_about_the_man_who_lost_his_left/
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Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 6 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddo4s1/why_was_the_antivaxxers_6_year_old_child_crying/
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People have been assuming I'm smart when they see my glasses case

but it's not until they see I store a mars bar in it they realise my true genius .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddo2vn/people_have_been_assuming_im_smart_when_they_see/
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I was a man trapped in a woman's body.

Until I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddo1iu/i_was_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
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What did the hive of bumblebees decide to be for Halloween?

Boo-bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddnxvr/what_did_the_hive_of_bumblebees_decide_to_be_for/
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What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve *Bang!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddnurn/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mentally_ill/
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What's an ancient pyramids builders favourite band?

The rolling stones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddnr2j/whats_an_ancient_pyramids_builders_favourite_band/
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Adopted two dogs this week, named them Rolex & Timex

They’re gonna be my watch dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddnma2/adopted_two_dogs_this_week_named_them_rolex_timex/
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My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddnjfu/my_girlfriend_really_changed_after_she_became_a/
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3 hunter having a competion

The first one came back with blood all over his hand ans said:"can you see the tree over there,well i shot a cow under it".The second one came back with blood all over his hands and shirt and said:"can you see that tree over there,i killed a bear under it".The third one came back with bload all over his face,hands and shirt he said:"can you see that tree over there" they answered yes with excitment "well i didn't see it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddnhdh/3_hunter_having_a_competion/
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What do you say to a pickle in the morning?

Rise and Brine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddngfd/what_do_you_say_to_a_pickle_in_the_morning/
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A fisherman and his wife have two children

But the issue was they had no idea what to name them. No name sounded about right, but one day they realized that whenever they left them in a room to their own devices, one kid faced the sea and the other faced away. It was always the same kid, and it happened each and every time.
So they decide to name their kids Towards and Away, and as the kids grew up, they always still faced towards and away from the sea when they’re not doing something.
Now when they hit thirteen, their dad decides it’s about time they learned the family business, so they packed food and water and went out to sea on their boat.
After about three hours the fisherman’s wife starts to get worried, as they should’ve been back by now. “They probably just found a good spot, and are reluctant to leave,” she says to herself. But for the NEXT three hours she starts to panic.
Eventually, the boat came back, but only held the fisherman. He was sobbing, and when he reached her, he told her what happened.
“We got caught in a storm, and as the boat tipped a huge fish leaped out of the water. Towards was so scared he ended up falling out.” The fisherman’s wife was in tears at hearing the loss of her son. “That must’ve been a huge fish.”
The fisherman nodded. “You should’ve seen the one that got Away!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddna3n/a_fisherman_and_his_wife_have_two_children/
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Why do so many deadbeat dads love to play poker?

It’s the only time they can call or raise anyone without feeling obligated to follow through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddn849/why_do_so_many_deadbeat_dads_love_to_play_poker/
%
Dr. Watson turned to Sherlock Holmes and asked what’s your favourite tree Sherlock.

“It’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddn4de/dr_watson_turned_to_sherlock_holmes_and_asked/
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My wife and I have three beautiful children

And three out of five isn't bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddn14h/my_wife_and_i_have_three_beautiful_children/
%
A little girl was in class talking to her teacher.

"I had a kitty who stuttered." Said the little girl. "I was in the back yard with it when a Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"
“That must've been scary!” said the teacher.
“It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty raised his back and went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmzua/a_little_girl_was_in_class_talking_to_her_teacher/
%
Talk to your lock calmly if you get locked out,

because communication is key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmzbi/talk_to_your_lock_calmly_if_you_get_locked_out/
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My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmz29/my_grandfather_warned_people_that_the_titanic/
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Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmyde/why_condoms_come_in_packs_of_3_6_and_12/
%
What's the difference between a irish wedding and an irish funeral?

One person isn't drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmvcf/whats_the_difference_between_a_irish_wedding_and/
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The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.
"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back.
The pope had not driven a car for ages and the limousine had a powerful engine so he raced through the streets of New York running red lights and breaking the speed limit. This had to draw a lot of attention and soon he was pulled over by a traffic cop.
As the pope rolled down the window the cop could see that this was not an ordinary speeding case. He went back to his car to call his superiors on the radio.
"I've pulled someone over and I'm not sure what to do. I can tell it's a VIP but I'm not sure who it is"
"A VIP? Don't tell me it's the police commissioner again!"
"No. It's not him. It's someone more important."
"More important? Is it the mayor?"
"No. It's not him either. It's someone more important than the mayor"
"More important than the mayor? Are you telling me you've pulled over the president?"
"No. Not the president either. I's someone more important"
"More important? Who can be more important than the president?"
"I don't know! I just know he's so important that he's got the pope as his driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmux2/the_pope_was_visiting_new_york/
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But...

What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmub3/but/
%
I'm glad we haven't invented the time machine yet

Last thing i'd want is my work getting outsourced to a medieval era person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmtv2/im_glad_we_havent_invented_the_time_machine_yet/
%
A young lady is set to be the first woman to orgasm on the peak of Mount Everest.

Reports say that she'll be coming round the mountain when she cums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmlwf/a_young_lady_is_set_to_be_the_first_woman_to/
%
For security, I built a really powerful electric fence around my property.

My neighbour is dead against it!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmlob/for_security_i_built_a_really_powerful_electric/
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I have a magic act where I make cocaine and marijuana disappear

It's all smoke and mirrors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmko2/i_have_a_magic_act_where_i_make_cocaine_and/
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I asked my daughter for the phone book

She called me old-fashioned, a dinosaur, etc. and handed me her phone.
So now the phone’s broken, the spider’s dead and my daughter’s pissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmfrs/i_asked_my_daughter_for_the_phone_book/
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They launched a ride share app for witches...

It's called BroomService

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmeum/they_launched_a_ride_share_app_for_witches/
%
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her
and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the fucking wine back'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmchn/a_man_asked_a_waiter_to_take_a_bottle_of_merlot/
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Why are stormtroopers so inaccurate?

Because they're imperial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddmbyl/why_are_stormtroopers_so_inaccurate/
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The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls, and presses a button. The walls opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed.
The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde stepped out.
The father said to his son, "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddm8bh/the_elevator/
%
When I was a teenager, I was obsessed with Posh Spice.

Cost my parents a lot of money to buy all that saffron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddm3js/when_i_was_a_teenager_i_was_obsessed_with_posh/
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A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hen. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens.
Next day, its fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says "You deserve it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says "Shhhhh, they're about to land!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddlxxe/a_farmer_buys_a_young_cock/
%
During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom.
An hour later Michael was doing the rounds, when he saw Mick Jagger and the rolling stones coming out of his bedroom. ‘Alwight mick? What you been up to?’ ‘Oh Jim Morrisson told us there was a girl in there that who sucks some good cock and she really does!’.
‘Arrgh! Fucks sake!’ shouted Michael and stormed into his bedroom.
‘What the hell do you think you were doing?’ he screamed at the girl. ‘Whats the matter? I thought that’s what you wanted me to do?’ she replied. ‘No, you silly cow! Youre only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!!!!’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddlnew/during_the_60s_michael_caine_hosted_some_really/
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Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.

One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?
The other says,
“I’m a big metal fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddlgtu/two_windmills_are_standing_in_a_wind_farm/
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The Three Paddies find a Leprechaun...

The Three Paddies find a leprechaun, who brings them to the top of his rainbow.
“Slide down the rainbow, and shout out something, and you’ll find it at the bottom,” He says to them.
Paddy the Englishman slides down and shouts gold and he lands in huge pot of gold.
Paddy the Scotsman slides down and shouts silver and he lands in a huge pot of silver.
Now, Paddy the Irishman hadn’t been listening too well, and so he got on the rainbow, began sliding, and shouted “WEEEEEEEE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddlfps/the_three_paddies_find_a_leprechaun/
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Jimmy Carr Joke - Socially Unacceptable

JC - I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation - would you like to see it?
Crowd - YES!
JC - I just need a young volunteer that can keep a secret
(laughter ....)
(\* hope and pray that I've offended none broke no posting rules \*)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddl9no/jimmy_carr_joke_socially_unacceptable/
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This sub isn't as good as it used to be

Said the captain as he decommissioned the old submarine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddl852/this_sub_isnt_as_good_as_it_used_to_be/
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What do you call a beat-up Batman?

A Bruised Wayne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddl7z3/what_do_you_call_a_beatup_batman/
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What's difference between excess and surplus? [NSFW]

Excess: The part of the boob which does't fit in your mouth
Surplus: The second boob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddku87/whats_difference_between_excess_and_surplus_nsfw/
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What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddksti/what_time_does_sean_connery_arrive_at_wimbledon/
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An elephant and a bunny are sitting in the forest, taking a dump

"Say bunny", asks the elephant. "Dosen't it bother you when shit gets on your fur?".
"No, not at all" the bunny answers.
So the elephant grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddkpym/an_elephant_and_a_bunny_are_sitting_in_the_forest/
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What’s the name of the Frozen/Marvel Universe crossover movie?

Thaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddkeph/whats_the_name_of_the_frozenmarvel_universe/
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Why does the duck have tail feathers?

To cover it's butt quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddkbam/why_does_the_duck_have_tail_feathers/
%
The county's road maintenance staff got a new trainee.

The trainee is tasked to paint the lines of a reconstructed highway before it is to be re-opened for public traffic.
- On Day 1 the trainee painted 5 miles.
- On Day 2 the trainee painted 2.6 miles.
- On Day 3 the trainee painted 0.9 miles.
- On Day 4 the trainee gets then questioned by the boss.
Boss: "On your first day, you have painted a great length of the road. But the following days it got significantly less than before. Are you slacking?"
Trainee: "No, sir! The distance to the bucket gets longer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddk7yu/the_countys_road_maintenance_staff_got_a_new/
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I was once a man trapped in the body of a woman

Then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddk58q/i_was_once_a_man_trapped_in_the_body_of_a_woman/
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How do you make any salad a ceasar salad

Stab it 23 times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddk0lh/how_do_you_make_any_salad_a_ceasar_salad/
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Me : Dad I'm considering a career in organized crime

Dad : Government or Private sector?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddk01q/me_dad_im_considering_a_career_in_organized_crime/
%
You must understand, to be a veterinarian in Australia

One must have the proper Koalafications

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddjzpj/you_must_understand_to_be_a_veterinarian_in/
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What does a French man say when he drops an egg on the ground?

Oeuf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddjvcq/what_does_a_french_man_say_when_he_drops_an_egg/
%
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?

I want Samoa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddjtz3/what_did_the_giant_say_after_he_ate_fiji/
%
How do you call a dog with no legs?

You don't call, you fetch him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddjoxt/how_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Why did the castle keep swearing?

It had turrets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddjli3/why_did_the_castle_keep_swearing/
%
My wife is jobless and I felt like I was carrying a burden. I wanted her to feel the same.

So I got her pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddjkvk/my_wife_is_jobless_and_i_felt_like_i_was_carrying/
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Happily Married

There is a couple who have been married for 30 years. Every Friday for dinner the husband would come home from work and the wife would serve him a huge bowl of chilli. One friday, the husband comes home with a colleague so the wife serves up two bowls. When the wife gets up to go to the kitchen, the husband scoops his chilli into a ziplock bag he had in his pocket and tucks it away. The friend is puzzled and asks what is he doing. The husband replies "well I hate chilli, i dont like the taste and it upsets my stomach" so the friend asks why he doesnt tell his wife that. He says "I cant do that, sure I'd love some lasagna after a long work week, but she loves making it every week and it would hurt her feelings". A bit odd thought the friend, but they were married 30 years so who is he to question it and continued eating. When the wife came back the friend thanked and complimented her on the meal but was curious why she hadn't had any. She replied "oh, I cant eat chilli, it upsets my stomache and I must confess I was never really a fan of it, I only make it because it was the first meal I ever made for us and my husband loves it. It's a very complicated recipe and takes several grueling hours to make, but he works hard all week and deserves it. I usually just make myself a small lasagna and eat it in the kitchen while he finishes his chilli."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddjjxk/happily_married/
%
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddjflf/i_once_stayed_up_all_night_trying_to_figure_out/
%
I once got in touch with my inner self

That's the last time I'll use 1 ply toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddjctf/i_once_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self/
%
Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

She uses the other hand to moan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddja84/why_does_hellen_keller_masturbate_with_one_hand/
%
An African chief had three wives.

Each wife slept on a different animal hide - one slept on a lion hide, one slept on a giraffe hide, and the third slept on a hippopotamus hide.
The chief slept with each of his wives, and they all got pregnant. The wife who slept on the lion hide bore him a son and the wife who slept on the giraffe hide gave birth to a daughter, but the wife who slept on the hippopotamus hide gave birth to twins - a boy and a girl.
It all goes to show that the score on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the scores on the other two hides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddixnj/an_african_chief_had_three_wives/
%
There's a Friday the 13th this December

A nightmare before Christmas some may say

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddisn7/theres_a_friday_the_13th_this_december/
%
Why did the guy hate his job at the can crushing factory?

It was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddiiue/why_did_the_guy_hate_his_job_at_the_can_crushing/
%
I'm holding a bee in my hands. What is in my eye?

Beauty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddifhn/im_holding_a_bee_in_my_hands_what_is_in_my_eye/
%
How do you get rid of fat demons?

With a treadmill. You exercise them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddidgc/how_do_you_get_rid_of_fat_demons/
%
A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for the women turning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddib29/a_lot_of_women_actually_turn_into_good_drivers/
%
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided:  if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddiazt/i_thought_my_new_girlfriend_might_be_the_one/
%
So Dracula is giving his son, “the talk.”

“You see son...When two monsters love each other very much, they-“
His son interrupts. “Do the mash.”
Dracula nods.
“Yes son. They do the monster mash.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddia5l/so_dracula_is_giving_his_son_the_talk/
%
Why does a Seagull fly over the sea?

Because if it flew over the bay it would be a bagel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddi76i/why_does_a_seagull_fly_over_the_sea/
%
my girlfriends parents are very religious

the first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren't allowed to sleep together
It was a bit of a shame he was very attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddi5fb/my_girlfriends_parents_are_very_religious/
%
Today is my 2th cake day

And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids ever will be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddi3tx/today_is_my_2th_cake_day/
%
A man who works at the Guinness brewery in Dublin, Ireland goes to his best friend's house.

The friend's wife opens the door and sees the look of grief on the man's face.
"I'm sorry, there's been a terrible accident and Liam died."
"Dear God, no!!! How?!"
"He fell in a vat of beer and drowned."
"Just tell me one thing: did he suffer?"
"I don't think so. He got out twice to pee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddi3m5/a_man_who_works_at_the_guinness_brewery_in_dublin/
%
WOW is an interesting word. WOW spelled backwards is still wow. And WOW upside down is MOM. And MOM upside down is Dad's favorite thing.

No, I'm sorry, that joke was cheap and easy, and so's my mom, and that's why I'm here. No, seriously, I love my mom... And you can, too, for twelve dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddi05d/wow_is_an_interesting_word_wow_spelled_backwards/
%
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

because best friends give you space
\#relatable in chat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddhz20/why_is_girlfriend_one_word_but_best_friend_is_two/
%
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddhttk/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
How do you steal a Tesla?

Put it on auto-pirate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddhrq7/how_do_you_steal_a_tesla/
%
What do vegans run on?

Grassoline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddhqei/what_do_vegans_run_on/
%
A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.
"No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker", says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddhno7/a_priest_hooks_a_huge_fish/
%
I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story

Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me
all credit goes to u/APater6076

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddhnif/i_asked_a_friend_over_for_netflix_and_chill_and/
%
What did the Mexican say to the professor when he told him to turn in his essay?

“I ain’t no snitch”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddhn0t/what_did_the_mexican_say_to_the_professor_when_he/
%
What happened to Kamala Harris' campaign?

She had the black vote all locked up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddhe0c/what_happened_to_kamala_harris_campaign/
%
My girlfriend was picking a bra to buy when I said "Bras dont suit you, your too flat"

My girlfiend then said "Well, you wear briefs right?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddhddy/my_girlfriend_was_picking_a_bra_to_buy_when_i/
%
Why did the gay man go to the chiropractor?

He couldn’t sit straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddhb8z/why_did_the_gay_man_go_to_the_chiropractor/
%
What’s America’s favorite fruit?

Mmmmm peach!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddh4jq/whats_americas_favorite_fruit/
%
My boyfriend was always business as usual in the bedroom until he shoved my handbag up my ass.

Now it's purse anal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddgygz/my_boyfriend_was_always_business_as_usual_in_the/
%
My goal for next year is to save enough money to make myself a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddgclo/my_goal_for_next_year_is_to_save_enough_money_to/
%
Why are blind pianists so good if they can't look at the keys?

You don't have to C, you just have to B#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddg70c/why_are_blind_pianists_so_good_if_they_cant_look/
%
I asked my artist boyfriend to sketch what our baby might look like, but he must have gotten a vasectomy.

He drew a blank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddg4lk/i_asked_my_artist_boyfriend_to_sketch_what_our/
%
Did you hear how they found out the girl Jaws attacked had dandruff?

They found her head & shoulders on the beach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddg2t2/did_you_hear_how_they_found_out_the_girl_jaws/
%
A world without straight people....

Would definitely be a pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddfvar/a_world_without_straight_people/
%
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?

"Lookin sharp !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddfv7l/what_did_one_cactus_say_to_the_other_cactus/
%
A man walks into his bedroom

His wife is lying on the bed naked.
He: What are you doing here
She: I couldn’t find anything nice to wear
He: I don’t trust you ~walks to the closet~
See there’s a blue dress, a red dress, oh hi mark and a green dress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddfo09/a_man_walks_into_his_bedroom/
%
Two men meets on opposite sides of a river...

One shouts "I need you to help me get to the other side!"
The other says "You are on the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddfmez/two_men_meets_on_opposite_sides_of_a_river/
%
“A Beginner’s Guide to Boxing”

- By   Bob Andweave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddf92t/a_beginners_guide_to_boxing/
%
I dont make chemistry jokes

I never get a reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddey23/i_dont_make_chemistry_jokes/
%
Cucumber is very good for the memory,

15 years ago my uncle put one in my ass and I still remember it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddewbv/cucumber_is_very_good_for_the_memory/
%
I only use self service checkouts....

They always have the hottest cashiers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddesno/i_only_use_self_service_checkouts/
%
What kind of bee makes milk?

Boo-bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddenlg/what_kind_of_bee_makes_milk/
%
You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.
You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.
You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.
You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular children's character. You are Babar's barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.
You get a bad case of bone spurs. You are Babar's barbed barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.
You get a side job as a singer. You are Babar's barbed barred Barbar bar barbarian barber bard.
You were named after your parents favorite Beach Boys song. You are Babar's barbed barred Barbar bar barbarian barber bard Barbara Ann.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddeh2a/youre_a_savage_warrior_youre_a_barbarian_you_come/
%
After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddeclx/after_a_fire_the_corpse_of_a_man_is_found_in_a/
%
How much room do you need to make a fungus?

As mushrooms as possible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddecls/how_much_room_do_you_need_to_make_a_fungus/
%
Jehovah’s Witness don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dde8wb/jehovahs_witness_dont_celebrate_halloween/
%
I entered ten puns in a local joke contest in the hopes that one would win

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dddxkx/i_entered_ten_puns_in_a_local_joke_contest_in_the/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dddvvp/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....

He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dddu01/i_wrote_down_a_list_of_everyone_i_hate_on_a_piece/
%
Why don't witches wear panties?

To get better grip on the broom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dddp6r/why_dont_witches_wear_panties/
%
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?

Just aboot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dddp0m/is_a_cowboy_with_his_foot_across_the_canadian/
%
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone

Then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dddozr/i_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_where_the_sun_had/
%
How to name your children

Child 1: Daddy why did you name me Rose?
Dad: When you were a baby a rose fell on your head.
Child 2: Daddy why did you name me Daisy?
Dad: When you were a baby a daisy fell on your head.
Child 3: uajkjoeijafdsklJ!!!jakfajdfklfjdakfldjfkl?!JJkjkaldjfdkfjadkflj!!!!aiueriqpzmfaioP!!!!
Dad: SHUT THE FUCK UP FRIDGE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddd7kd/how_to_name_your_children/
%
What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that treats him like trash?

YOU GET WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddd0bg/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mentally_ill/
%
Q: Why are Men smarter during sex?

A: Because during sex they are plugged
into a fucking Know-It-All.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddcsyq/q_why_are_men_smarter_during_sex/
%
What do Jesus and the 3.5" floppy share in common?

They both died to become the icon of saving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddcour/what_do_jesus_and_the_35_floppy_share_in_common/
%
Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddcmun/why_did_the_old_man_fall_in_the_well/
%
If you're cold, just go stand in the corner.

It's 90 degrees there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddcmfi/if_youre_cold_just_go_stand_in_the_corner/
%
My friend said to me: "What rhymes with orange"

I said: "No it doesn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddcm1p/my_friend_said_to_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
The Bakery Boys robbed a stagecoach yesterday.

They came in buns glazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddclih/the_bakery_boys_robbed_a_stagecoach_yesterday/
%
To the person who stole my glasses

I'll find you, I have contacts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddckt9/to_the_person_who_stole_my_glasses/
%
The male owner of a business is interviewing a young woman just about to graduate from an all-women’s college.

She was very excited about her interview but wanted to make sure that this business was progressive when it came to women in the workplace. It seemed like every company she interviewed at were run by horrible misogynists. When it came to the part of the interview when he asked her if she had any questions, it was her turn to pounce.
“I’ve researched this and found out that that your workforce is only 31% women. Do you have progressive hiring practices to make that ratio closer to the average population?” she asks.
“I’m sorry but no. Look, I know you’re from one of those ‘activist’ schools where they have told you all about inequality, but the simple truth is that I’m a businessman and when I hire someone, I’m going to pick the best person for the job. I don’t care if they’re a man or a woman. I just want the best. It would be crazy for me to pick someone who’s less qualified just because they’re a woman.”
She was a little disappointed by the answer, but she certainly understood his point. She went on, “Well OK, but I also noticed that your senior staff is only 9% women. Do you have progressive promotion practices to make that ratio closer to at least your average workforce?”
“I’m sorry but no. Again, I’m always trying to optimize my company and the simple truth is that when I promote someone, I’m going to pick the best person for the job. I don’t care if they’re a man or a woman. I just want the best. It would be crazy for me to pick someone who’s less qualified just because they’re a woman.”
Again, she was disappointed but decided to get it one more try. “All right, but what if you came across two perfectly equally qualified people in every respect, but one was a man and the other one was a woman. Which one would you hire?”
“Oh, well in that case,” said the man, “I would always hire the women. Every single time. I’m a smart businessman and in that case the woman is always the better choice!”
She was very excited to hear that response. She got offered a job and gladly accepted.
Six months into the job, she ran across the owner at work. Since he was the owner and she was a new-hire they didn’t cross paths very often. Still, he was very cordial when they crossed paths and he asked her how things were going.
“There’s a lot to learn, but so far I like it. And I like that this is a company that puts women first. When I first interviewed, I almost didn’t want to work here. I thought you were like all those other misogynists that run companies out there. It was so close. It was only after you answered my question about who you would hire between two equally qualified candidates that I know I had landed in the right place!”
“Oh yes, I remember. I told you, with me it’s all about optimization. Why would I want to hire a man who’s equally qualified as a woman when I can pay her so much less?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddckd3/the_male_owner_of_a_business_is_interviewing_a/
%
An ant and a centipede were walking down the street

when the ant says “Say, Mr. Centipede, how do you control all those legs at once?”.  The centipede thought about it for a second, then fell flat on his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddcji1/an_ant_and_a_centipede_were_walking_down_the/
%
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to the local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 8th century?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddcgwv/as_we_landed_in_saudi_arabia_the_pilot_announced/
%
My friends and family hate me for constantly making food puns. and my wife told me that if I don’t stop she’ll divorce me.

I said: sure, it’ll be a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddccx5/my_friends_and_family_hate_me_for_constantly/
%
LOST DOG - 3 legged - blind in one eye - missing left ear - broken tail - recently castrated

Answers to "LUCKY"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddc60u/lost_dog_3_legged_blind_in_one_eye_missing_left/
%
Saw Van Gogh in a Pub.

I said can I buy you a beer?
He replied no I got one Ear mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddc5rr/saw_van_gogh_in_a_pub/
%
What is 'gr8'

The Great Compression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddc3b0/what_is_gr8/
%
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?

Because you can only get down from a goose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddc2xb/why_couldnt_the_cowboy_get_down_from_his_horse/
%
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry

And an F in Physics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddc09b/when_i_was_in_school_i_got_a_b_in_biology_a_c_in/
%
Have you heard about the submarine market?

It's taking a dive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddbuhf/have_you_heard_about_the_submarine_market/
%
Wood-fired pizza

How's pizza gonna get a job now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddbr1s/woodfired_pizza/
%
I consider myself a musician

I can finger A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddboof/i_consider_myself_a_musician/
%
Little Johnny.

Little Johnny says very sheepishly to his Teacher, Sir would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher replies of course not:
Johnny says thank fuck for that, I haven't done my homework.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddbodq/little_johnny/
%
The elderly woman goes to the doctor..

She says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.
The doctor then says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the woman goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my gas, although still silent, stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddbn6j/the_elderly_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What's the best language for Indian word plays?

Punjabi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddb1a1/whats_the_best_language_for_indian_word_plays/
%
A Good Man

A good man spends his life doing good deeds. One day he was flying back from Africa when his pane crashes near an uncharted island. He survives but is captured by cannibals.
The cannibals are prepping to cook him when he warns them.
"If you eat me, you guys are gonna feel sick and throw up"
The cannibals kill and eat him anyway. True to the man's words, anyone who ate him was violently sick and threw up
You can't keep a good man down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddaxtw/a_good_man/
%
What did the Italian marine biologist say when asked to identify an eel?

That's a moray!
I'll see myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddasdt/what_did_the_italian_marine_biologist_say_when/
%
What kind of alchohol do you find in church?

Holy spirits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddakmz/what_kind_of_alchohol_do_you_find_in_church/
%
What do you call a deaf dog?

Anything, they aren't going to hear it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddaewq/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_dog/
%
My friend is holding a grudge after a food fight

He has a chip on his shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddaepd/my_friend_is_holding_a_grudge_after_a_food_fight/
%
This will give 1 or 2% a chuckle...

Two milk cartons and a bottle of creamer were discussing an issue:
Whole: I think we’ve covered the Whole thing.
Skim: Really? We just Skimmed over it.
Creamer: I would normally side with Whole on this point,  but I’m actually Half and Half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ddaaiy/this_will_give_1_or_2_a_chuckle/
%
What animal has the biggest boobs

A Z-bra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dda7to/what_animal_has_the_biggest_boobs/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10 but completely imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dda4ez/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
So ive always been taught not to talk to strangers

Now my mom keeps asking me why don't I have any friends or a girlfriend and why I never speak to the strange man she's banging that she insist I call step-dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dda1hq/so_ive_always_been_taught_not_to_talk_to_strangers/
%
what do you call it when butcher suddenly quits his job?

going cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9vkk/what_do_you_call_it_when_butcher_suddenly_quits/
%
Why don't people in Athens wake up early?

Because dawn is tough on Greece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9v74/why_dont_people_in_athens_wake_up_early/
%
What sport does the koolaid man play?

Baseball. He's a pitcher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9tte/what_sport_does_the_koolaid_man_play/
%
I hate Gravity

It’s always bringing me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9t97/i_hate_gravity/
%
How do architects, engineers and male pornstars gain fame?

Through their erections

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9qo9/how_do_architects_engineers_and_male_pornstars/
%
Not even mildly pc joke

What's the difference between a pack of midget spies and a group of women joggers?
Well, the midgets are cunning runts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9m0m/not_even_mildly_pc_joke/
%
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9lts/i_dont_understand_why_some_people_use_fractions/
%
These gay men, they're just so forward thinking...

They're always on top of the latest little thing.
This is how conscientious they are:
They've found a way to have sex without using a woman.
-Norm Macdonald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9llm/these_gay_men_theyre_just_so_forward_thinking/
%
What’s did the clock say to the minute man after his one night stand?

Congrats on the secs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9j9u/whats_did_the_clock_say_to_the_minute_man_after/
%
I hate when you open up to someone and they leave.

I was explaining to my psychiatrist that I am having visual and auditory hallucinations, and then he just vanished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9h6o/i_hate_when_you_open_up_to_someone_and_they_leave/
%
A shifty looking guy in a kilt walks into a London pub

He orders a pint and very very carefully puts down the plastic bag he is carrying.
The bartender asks "What's that?"
The guy answers "6 pounds of explosives"
"Thank Christ for that" says the barman, "I thought it might be bagpipes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9f81/a_shifty_looking_guy_in_a_kilt_walks_into_a/
%
I told my psychologist I'm having suicidal thoughts.

He's making me pay in advance now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9evw/i_told_my_psychologist_im_having_suicidal_thoughts/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9ebm/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
I was told to joke about Russian Roulette

I took my chances and here I am!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9e94/i_was_told_to_joke_about_russian_roulette/
%
A young married couple have moved into an apartment and want to repaper the dining room.

They decide to call on a neighbor with a dining room of the same size and ask him how much rolls of wallpaper he bought when he did his dining room.
"Seven," he says.
Heeding his words, they buy seven rolls of expensive wallpaper and get to work. When they get to the end of the fourth roll, the dining room is finished.
Annoyed, they confront the neighbor and tell him, "We followed your advice, but we ended up with three extra rolls!"
The neighbor shrugs and says,  "Well. So that happened to you too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9dlr/a_young_married_couple_have_moved_into_an/
%
What do you call a religious guy with a hard on?

A firm believer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd9bi9/what_do_you_call_a_religious_guy_with_a_hard_on/
%
Can you tell me another name for a ninja star?

Sure I can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd97v5/can_you_tell_me_another_name_for_a_ninja_star/
%
Three people die and go to Heaven.

When they arrive, Saint Peter tells them, "We have one rule here. It's fairly simple: don't step on the ducks."
The three guys enter Heaven, and the first thing they see is that Heaven is *OVERFLOWING* with ducks. It is literally impossible to not step on a duck. Despite this, they try their best, but soon one of the guys steps on a duck.
Almost instantaneously, Saint Peter appears with the UGLIEST woman the guy has ever seen. He says: "As punishment for stepping on a duck, you will be chained to a rock with this ugly woman for eternity!" He chains the two of them together and they disappear.
The two remaining guys are mortified by this, and try not to step on any more ducks, but two hours later, the second guy steps on a duck.
Immediately, Saint Peter appears with another ugly woman, says his usual stuff, chains the two of them together and disappears.
The third guy now has even more reason to not step on the ducks, and he vows to never step on one. He is successful, and manages to go for years without stepping on one.
Then, one day, Saint Peter appears with the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Tan, slender legs, curves in all the right places. He chains the two of them without a word, and brings them to a rock, where he chains the two of them there.
The man begins to wonder whatever could have happened, so he asks the woman, "Whatever could I have done to deserve being chained to you for eternity?":
The woman responds with: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd923e/three_people_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
What's the worst combination of two sicknesses?

Diarrhea and alzheimer. You are running but you don't know where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd90yu/whats_the_worst_combination_of_two_sicknesses/
%
A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd8std/a_lot_of_people_are_pretty_upset_about_fat/
%
What is a man's most sensitive organ while masturbating?

His ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd8p6n/what_is_a_mans_most_sensitive_organ_while/
%
What do you call Two horses that make a great couple?

A stable relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd8bea/what_do_you_call_two_horses_that_make_a_great/
%
Did you know that French fries weren't originally fried in France?

They were fried in grease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd8ai2/did_you_know_that_french_fries_werent_originally/
%
My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday.

I accidentally said, "Fuck you Karen, you ruined my fucking life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd8a18/my_tongue_slipped_when_i_was_asking_my_wife_to/
%
Told my wife that I’m really getting into Beyonce.

She said ‘whatever floats your boat’. I said ‘no, that’s buoyancy’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd8245/told_my_wife_that_im_really_getting_into_beyonce/
%
What do Mummies like listening to on Halloween?

Wrap Music

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd7kru/what_do_mummies_like_listening_to_on_halloween/
%
I really wish I was young and Japanese...

It seems like everybody is offering their support to youth in Asia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd7gcq/i_really_wish_i_was_young_and_japanese/
%
TIL Zero and its operation were first defined by Hindu astronomer and mathematician Brahmagupta in 628

Thanks for nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd7egk/til_zero_and_its_operation_were_first_defined_by/
%
What did 50 Cent say when his grandma made him a sweater?

G, you knit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd7dge/what_did_50_cent_say_when_his_grandma_made_him_a/
%
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games

But that's a Risk I'm willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd7cew/the_police_told_me_theyd_throw_me_in_jail_the/
%
My dad was getting a prostate exam.

He asked the doctor, "Where should I put my pants during the exam?" "Just toss them in the corner" replied the doctor, "Right next to mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd791x/my_dad_was_getting_a_prostate_exam/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd7774/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.

Things got a little tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd727y/the_future_the_present_and_the_past_walked_into_a/
%
My Grandfather never threw anything away, bless him

He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd70ft/my_grandfather_never_threw_anything_away_bless_him/
%
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd6yb2/as_a_13_year_old_online_dating_is_a_tough_thing/
%
My teacher told me to turn in my essay today

I told her I ain't no snitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd6ux7/my_teacher_told_me_to_turn_in_my_essay_today/
%
A man was sitting

on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd6nf8/a_man_was_sitting/
%
Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside
Professor -  Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?
Student- I will open the window.
Professor - Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compartment is 12 m3, the train is travelling at 80 km/hr in a Westerly direction and the speed of the wind is 5 m/s from the South, then how much time will  it take for the compartment to get cold?
The student can't answer, so he is marked fail and he comes out. After coming out he tells that question to the second student.
The second student goes in and his viva starts.
Professor - Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?
2nd Student - I will remove my coat.
Professor - It still is hot, then what?
Student- I will remove my shirt.
Professor (angrily)- If it still is hot, then what will you do?
Student- I will remove my pant.
Professor (Fuming)- And what if you die due to the heat?
Student:- Sir, I would rather die than open the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd6jgo/two_engineering_students_are_waiting_to_give/
%
I've been doing a lot of DIY recently

But I have a hard time trusting anything to stay up;
My therapist says I have major shelf-confidence issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd6hy7/ive_been_doing_a_lot_of_diy_recently/
%
What do you call a joke about an old lady's boobs?

A knee slapper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd6b8b/what_do_you_call_a_joke_about_an_old_ladys_boobs/
%
A man and a woman are on a train

and the woman says, everytime you smile I feel like taking you to my place
Man: Awwwww...you single?
Woman: no I’m a dentist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd658n/a_man_and_a_woman_are_on_a_train/
%
What's the Best Thing About Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd618e/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
The german Flag stands for:

RED : Sausages
YELLOW : Beer
GREEN : Not causing two world wars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd5xy7/the_german_flag_stands_for/
%
Why are Me and China alike?

We both like to delete our history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd5t5x/why_are_me_and_china_alike/
%
I‘m developing a phobia of german sausage

I fear the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd5qy4/im_developing_a_phobia_of_german_sausage/
%
My friend hired a hot air balloon for his wedding.

They quoted him 200 and on the day charged 400.  Said it was due to inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd5pa7/my_friend_hired_a_hot_air_balloon_for_his_wedding/
%
I’m really glad that I wasn’t born in Ukraine.

I don’t speak a word of Ukrainian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd5jw6/im_really_glad_that_i_wasnt_born_in_ukraine/
%
What do you call a man with a shovel

Doug.
What do you call a man without a shovel?
Dougless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd52ls/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_shovel/
%
What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?

ROBERTO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd51ay/what_do_you_call_an_argentinian_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
A man went into a library and asked “Do you have any books on shelving"?

The librarian said, “yes all of them”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd4yg6/a_man_went_into_a_library_and_asked_do_you_have/
%
A blonde was fired from an m&m's factory

She kept throwing in the garbage all those defective m&m's with a "w"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd4vno/a_blonde_was_fired_from_an_mms_factory/
%
A blonde in Las Vegas

Last weekend, a blonde went to Las Vegas. When she returned home, her friend asked:
\- Hey! How was your trip?
\- It was awesome! I saw a slot machine and tried luck. I won! Then I put another coin in and I got a prize again! And again! I had to stop there beczause I could only drink so much Pepsi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd4u88/a_blonde_in_las_vegas/
%
Jack Shitt: This Is His Story

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS TO YOU: "You don't know Jack Shitt"
\[Now you'll know the entire story!\]
**Jack Shitt** is the only son of **O. Shitt** and **Awe Shitt**. O.Shitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Shitt, who later ran *the Kneedeep Inn-Shitt*. Jack Shitt eventually married **Noe Shitt**, and together they produced six children.
**Holy Shitt**, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons: **Deep Shitt** and **Dip Shitt**, and the two daughters: **Fulla Shitt** and **Givva Shitt**. Their final child, another son, was named **Bull Shitt**.
In the meantime, **Deep Shitt** married **Dumb Shitt**, a high school drop out.
Dip Shitt married **Lotta Shitt**, and they have a son, **Chicken Shitt**.
Fulla Shitt and Givva Shitt married the Happens Brothers... The *Shitt-Happens* children are **Dawg Shitt**, **Byrd Shitt**, and **Horace Shitt**.
Bull Shitt married a spicy number, **Pesa Shitt**, and they're awaiting the arrival of **Baby Shitt**.
So now, not only do you know Jack Shitt, but his entire family as well! I bolded all their names for easy reference later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd4t06/jack_shitt_this_is_his_story/
%
I got a six pack for my wife....

Best trade I ever made

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd4qdn/i_got_a_six_pack_for_my_wife/
%
What will happen if you have a wooden car with wooden engine and wooden wheels?

It wooden start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd4n80/what_will_happen_if_you_have_a_wooden_car_with/
%
What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?

"Get off me homes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd46y2/what_did_the_mexican_say_when_two_houses_fell_on/
%
Did you know that shoe makers are very talkative?

They love to converse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd3wii/did_you_know_that_shoe_makers_are_very_talkative/
%
Never date a baker

They’re too kneady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd3mb9/never_date_a_baker/
%
There are terms for people like Trump

Not two terms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd3cdx/there_are_terms_for_people_like_trump/
%
My wife told me sex is better on holiday...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd3axp/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
%
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

Unless it's a bass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd3a7e/you_can_tune_a_piano_but_you_cant_tuna_fish/
%
Bitches and bastards

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd379o/bitches_and_bastards/
%
What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd36tx/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
%
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd2x0t/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_a_wall/
%
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"  The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.  “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said.  Amy takes him down
to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."  The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know.  How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"  "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"  The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”
(It's nice to see a blonde winning...once in awhile.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd2scx/a_blonde_city_girl_named_amy_marries_a_rancher/
%
A lot of people don't understand the value of their wives

Until a judge decides the alimony amount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd2hg2/a_lot_of_people_dont_understand_the_value_of/
%
What pill do you take to go to sleep?

A pillow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd2h99/what_pill_do_you_take_to_go_to_sleep/
%
Whats the worst thing about a lung transplant?

The first bit of slime is not yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd2cka/whats_the_worst_thing_about_a_lung_transplant/
%
Which monsters are most fond of sex?

Skeletons; they're always down to bone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd2930/which_monsters_are_most_fond_of_sex/
%
What’s the best type of Kung fu vegetable?

Brock Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd207t/whats_the_best_type_of_kung_fu_vegetable/
%
What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton?

I've got a bone to pick with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd1x0e/what_did_the_skeleton_say_to_the_other_skeleton/
%
Boy needs help with his homework, has to explain the difference between theory and reality...

The father says,"go ask your mom if she would blow the mailman for a million dollars."
... Kid comes back, looking a little fuckin horrified, says "yep".
Guy says,"go ask your sister the same shit."
..kid comes back-"yep"
"Alright, in theory were sitting on 2 million bucks, but in reality were just living with a couple of whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd1u0h/boy_needs_help_with_his_homework_has_to_explain/
%
Saw a guy getting laid in a cemetary last weekend.

Figured i had nothing to lose so i yelled out "hey, mind if i have a turn?"
" go dig up your own!" He replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd1tio/saw_a_guy_getting_laid_in_a_cemetary_last_weekend/
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What do you call it when an apple user looks you in the eye?

iContact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd1svx/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_apple_user_looks_you/
%
What do you call a jamaican proctologist?

Pokemon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd1jid/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_proctologist/
%
What do you call it when a proctologist has to give his sister an exam?

Analysis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd1erg/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_proctologist_has_to/
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I held the door open for a japanese dude today

He said “sank you”
So I punched him in the fucking face, its not cool to bring up pearl harbor like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd1bi5/i_held_the_door_open_for_a_japanese_dude_today/
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What does Lightning McQueen get when he orders takeout?

Ka-Chow Main!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd1b71/what_does_lightning_mcqueen_get_when_he_orders/
%
What did the the gay pirate want

His booty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd15h1/what_did_the_the_gay_pirate_want/
%
How to twerk

step 1.  Reconsider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd0sty/how_to_twerk/
%
Im in a band called "Missing Cat"

You've probably seen our posters...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd0h4c/im_in_a_band_called_missing_cat/
%
What is Infinity plus infinity?

2 infinity and beyond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dd03xv/what_is_infinity_plus_infinity/
%
Beverly hills has arguably the best known zipcode with 90210

My favorite though is Dawson's creek 90108 (for our lives to be over)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dczy1u/beverly_hills_has_arguably_the_best_known_zipcode/
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What could have been the best name for diarrhea medicine?

Gonorrhea (Gone-o-rrhea)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dczwt9/what_could_have_been_the_best_name_for_diarrhea/
%
What's the name of an Asian photographer?

Phil Ming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dczt5h/whats_the_name_of_an_asian_photographer/
%
Things you should never ask Drax the Destroyer to do for you.

Babysit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dczptj/things_you_should_never_ask_drax_the_destroyer_to/
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An Irish artist...

by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.  This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.  They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it.  It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned.
" 'Twould be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dczk8z/an_irish_artist/
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The farmer and his sons...

A farmer, raising alone his children of age 8 and 20 in an abandoned valley, goes for a stroll. When he reaches the lake, he actually sees his cow, dead on the grass.
'Oh no,' he shouts! 'I would sell this cow and get enough supplies to survive this winter with my children. How am I supposed to feed them now?'
Suddenly, a human-sized fairy in lingerie jumps out of the water, sparkling all over her body.
'Hey farmer. If you can **** me a hundred times, I will revive the cow for you.'
The old man, whose wife was gone for too many years, didn't miss the opportunity, gets undressed, starts pleasing the fairy, cums 1, 2, 3, 5, 10, 16 times... His old body couldn't take it anymore and he dies...
The eldest son, after a couple of hours gets worried and starts calling for his father. When he reaches the lake, he faces both the corpse of the cow and his father.
'Oh no', the boy shouts! 'Father? Why? How? I can' t raise my little brother alone. Even the cow is dead, what am i supposed to do? '
The fairy jumps out of the river and stops his tears.
'Hey sexy boy. **** me a hundred times and I will revive both your father and the cow'.
The boy gets crazy, in his teen years his blood boils, he starts pleasing her 1, 2, 5, 10, 20, 30, 33, 34... His body succumbs and he falls dead.
High noon, and the 8 year old boy gets worried about his family. He starts looking around, and, when he arrives to the river, he comes across all of the corpses.
'Oh no', the boy cries. 'Father! Brother! Why? How can I survive alone?'
The fairy immediately jumps out of the water.
'Hey kid. **** me a hundred times and I will revive all of them for you.'
The boy, wipes his tears, gets undressed, and starts pleasing the fairy 1, 2, 5, 10, 20, 50, 100, 200, 400 times, until the fairy can't take it anymore and dies.
The boy looks at her dead body with disapporoval.
'Predictable. Even the cow couldn't handle it, and you believed you could?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dczfiq/the_farmer_and_his_sons/
%
A married couple is shopping at Costco...

The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?", the wife asks.
"It's on sale for twenty dollars," explains the husband.
"I don't care," says the wife, "we're on a budget. Put it back."
A couple of aisles later the wife puts a $50 container of face cream in the cart.
"What's that all about?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. I use it daily and it's cheaper here. Plus, you should be happy. It keeps me looking beautiful!"
The husband looks at her and says, "Well so does the beer, and that's much cheaper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcz9kr/a_married_couple_is_shopping_at_costco/
%
A question from Jeopardy tonight about geography.

Alex: “Name this territory adjacent to the territory Nunavut.”
Me: “What is Alluvut?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcz6ki/a_question_from_jeopardy_tonight_about_geography/
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Q: How much juice could a Beetlejuice juice if a Beetlejuice could juice beetles?

A: A Beetlejuice would j... ohhh shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcz637/q_how_much_juice_could_a_beetlejuice_juice_if_a/
%
Why does trump take xanax

For hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcz4hs/why_does_trump_take_xanax/
%
A penguin is going on vacation, as he is driving down the road his engine start to make a funny noise....

So he pulls into a station and asks the mechanic to take a look at his car. The mechanic tells the penguin there two other cars before him but there is an ice cream shop across the street. He could go have an ice cream and when he is done come back and maybe he will know what's wrong. The penguin loves ice cream so he go across the street.
As he enters the shop the owner says "boy are you in luck, I had a freezer just go out and I have this big tub of vanilla ice cream to get rid of. It's yours for free".
The penguin loves ice cream so he starts excitedly eating the ice cream. By time he is done he has it all over him. He walks back across the street and asks the mechanic what's wrong with his car. The mechanic says "well it looks like you blew a seal". The penguin says "oh no, this is vanilla ice cream I swear".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcz3c5/a_penguin_is_going_on_vacation_as_he_is_driving/
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Anger management classes seem to be getting popular nowadays.

You could say they’re all the rage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcz2fw/anger_management_classes_seem_to_be_getting/
%
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armour....

Actually it's probably more of a Knight Mare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcyuku/i_keep_having_this_dream_about_a_horse_in_full/
%
What is the difference between pink and purple?

My grip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcyrjr/what_is_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
%
I've been feeling down, so I bought some new socks

Cause you know what they say:
A hat warms the head
A coat warms the body
But socks warm the sole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcynj0/ive_been_feeling_down_so_i_bought_some_new_socks/
%
Out of curiosity a woman asked a man "Do men every say 'no, I have a girlfriend?"

The man laughed and said, "when someone offers a woman money, does she say no, I have a salary?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcyng1/out_of_curiosity_a_woman_asked_a_man_do_men_every/
%
My love life is like blackjack

I always hit on 16

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcylvf/my_love_life_is_like_blackjack/
%
Beethoven and Bach were once composers.

Now they are decomposers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcyk8d/beethoven_and_bach_were_once_composers/
%
You know what kind of sex a priest has?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcyfh1/you_know_what_kind_of_sex_a_priest_has/
%
Seamus the farmer had a nagging wife.

She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.
One day while in the field, Seamus’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Seamus’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.
At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Seamus would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
After the mourners left, the Priest approached Seamus and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?”
Well, Seamus replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcy9cs/seamus_the_farmer_had_a_nagging_wife/
%
A lion would never cheat on a lioness

But a Tiger Woods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcy8p9/a_lion_would_never_cheat_on_a_lioness/
%
A lemonade was only given 60 seconds to clean her house

She hired a minute maid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcy7mq/a_lemonade_was_only_given_60_seconds_to_clean_her/
%
[NSFW] What is the difference between a refrigerator and a gay man?

When you pull the meat out of the fridge it doesn't fart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcy6b6/nsfw_what_is_the_difference_between_a/
%
My wife always keeps a little photo of me in her bra.

She says she'll show it to people if I ever cheat on her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcy5ej/my_wife_always_keeps_a_little_photo_of_me_in_her/
%
I’m really good at bowling

I always get a hole in one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcy115/im_really_good_at_bowling/
%
Theirs two types of people in this world people who give up when they get no reaction

And necrophiliacs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcxzst/theirs_two_types_of_people_in_this_world_people/
%
Told my friend I had to make an appointment with the Doctor. He asked "which doctor"?

I said no, just the regular kind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcxqae/told_my_friend_i_had_to_make_an_appointment_with/
%
A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself.

The man replies, "if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcxigs/a_man_is_on_trial_for_cannibalism_the_judge_asks/
%
I like telling Dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcx4ka/i_like_telling_dad_jokes/
%
My wife has a picture of me in her necklace.

I always wanted to be more in da pendant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcx3tj/my_wife_has_a_picture_of_me_in_her_necklace/
%
I've had this haircut for a while

I think it's starting to grow on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcwpj6/ive_had_this_haircut_for_a_while/
%
I took this woman home from the bar and we were about to have sex...

So I pulled out a Lifestyles condom, and she said, "Ewww, where did you get that thing?"
I said, "I got it for free, they were handing them out at the bar."
She said, "Ewww, that's gross."
I said, "Well, that's where I got you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcwjga/i_took_this_woman_home_from_the_bar_and_we_were/
%
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up…

Which I did NOT appreciate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcw2bv/my_proctologist_gave_me_two_thumbs_up/
%
3D printers are now printing guns...

That’s nothing though.  I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcw26b/3d_printers_are_now_printing_guns/
%
Did you know that you can hear the blood in your veins…

If you listen varicosely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcw1xr/did_you_know_that_you_can_hear_the_blood_in_your/
%
I've been married 20 years.

I still keep my wife's picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take out her picture. And it comforts me knowing if I can put up with this psycho, I can survive anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcvrwj/ive_been_married_20_years/
%
They say college costs an arm and a leg...

...I still have both arms, but it really hurts to piss now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcvnki/they_say_college_costs_an_arm_and_a_leg/
%
A man walks in to a bar

And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.
“How to spot a millionaire, am I right? ” he winks and smiles at the bartender
“No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire”
“Okay - so he must be extremely charming?”
“Larry is actually a man of very few words”
“Then what on earth makes him so incredibly popular with women??”
“I actually have no idea - every day he comes here, he just sits there quietly, drinking his beer, licking his eyebrows..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcvh8c/a_man_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
An apple a day

Keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcvf6u/an_apple_a_day/
%
There is a new reality show where flat earthers try to travel to the edge of the world.

Unfortunately the finale is not a cliff hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcvdbz/there_is_a_new_reality_show_where_flat_earthers/
%
I went to a white pride parade the other day.

The floats just kept going around in circles about 200 miles per hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcva4u/i_went_to_a_white_pride_parade_the_other_day/
%
I was involved in a car jacking

I just hope none got on the upholstery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcv19r/i_was_involved_in_a_car_jacking/
%
I used to have a nice pair of golf shoes.

Until I got a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcuz9n/i_used_to_have_a_nice_pair_of_golf_shoes/
%
The creator of homeopathy has just died.

Massive underdose, apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcuyuu/the_creator_of_homeopathy_has_just_died/
%
What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcuyha/what_did_the_reddit_user_say_after_detonating_a/
%
My friend refuses to believe that working with decimals is easier than working with fractions.

He is missing the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcuy4c/my_friend_refuses_to_believe_that_working_with/
%
Did you hear about the cheese trucks that collided in France?

The only thing left at the scene was debrie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcui9d/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_trucks_that/
%
Theres an old African Saying "A Lion leading an Army of Sheep can defeat An Army of Lions led by A Sheep".

And like i get the message and its a nice analogy and all but if A Sheep somehow manage to become leader of an Army of Lions, then my moneys on the Sheep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcue9r/theres_an_old_african_saying_a_lion_leading_an/
%
What’s the difference between a greyhound terminal and a lobster with tits?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcucvb/whats_the_difference_between_a_greyhound_terminal/
%
Why did the dad name his son excaliber?

He couldnt pull it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcu691/why_did_the_dad_name_his_son_excaliber/
%
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctzos/what_do_you_call_security_guards_working_outside/
%
If you like Subpoena Coladas

And getting caught in Ukraine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctyey/if_you_like_subpoena_coladas/
%
They say yoghurts have tastes from around the world.

Because they're well cultured

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctxp3/they_say_yoghurts_have_tastes_from_around_the/
%
What do politicians and diapers have in common?

They both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctv1v/what_do_politicians_and_diapers_have_in_common/
%
What do Priests and McDonalds have in common?

They both like putting their meat in 10 Year Old buns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctui3/what_do_priests_and_mcdonalds_have_in_common/
%
*gestures at horses* here are the stables

\*gestures at other, flickering, vibrating horses. one horse explodes* and here are the unstables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcttr2/gestures_at_horses_here_are_the_stables/
%
What's worse than five babies in one dumpster?

One baby in five dumpsters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctt44/whats_worse_than_five_babies_in_one_dumpster/
%
What do you get when you cross Google and a porn star?

Just a fucking know it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctsw5/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_google_and_a_porn/
%
Marriage is like borrowing money

12 months with no interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctr8g/marriage_is_like_borrowing_money/
%
A dad and his son are walking home from the park...

The son notices two dogs humping and asks," Dad,what are those two dogs doing over there?"
"Uhh,uhh,well son,uh,isn't it obvious,uh?That one dog,uhh,hurt his leg and  uhh,well uh,uh,the other ones helping him home,yea."
"Wouldn't you know it Dad,You go to help out a friend like that and all they can do is fuck you in the ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctqgo/a_dad_and_his_son_are_walking_home_from_the_park/
%
What happened when the mortician dropped the coffin?

He made a grave mistake.
Heheheh....... sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctqcq/what_happened_when_the_mortician_dropped_the/
%
What's the difference between a transsexual's giveaway and a message left on a phone?

One is a voicemail.
The other is a male voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctmuy/whats_the_difference_between_a_transsexuals/
%
Two lesbians are building a house next to me ..

Their not using any studs though,it's all tounge and groove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctlac/two_lesbians_are_building_a_house_next_to_me/
%
Wife says to her programmer husband:

"Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."
Husband returns with twelve loaves of bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctiv2/wife_says_to_her_programmer_husband/
%
Pray for good food

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcti0x/pray_for_good_food/
%
Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Nevermind, I'm not gonna spread it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcteym/did_you_hear_the_rumor_about_butter/
%
...number 1 & number 2

...the two main reasons not to drink toilet water!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctek2/number_1_number_2/
%
Dear Apple: please stop autocorrecting things like “he HAD gone camping” and “he HAS gone camping”

Spelling mistakes are one thing, but don’t assume you know what tents I wanted to use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcte7j/dear_apple_please_stop_autocorrecting_things_like/
%
What do lesbians and politicians have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctdp9/what_do_lesbians_and_politicians_have_in_common/
%
I hope death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dctad8/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her vagina and the midwife had to pull it out...

Thing is, I was just really excited to meet my new baby brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dct7xs/when_my_mum_was_in_labour_my_head_got_stuck_in/
%
I got fired from my job as a changing room attendant for opening doors uninvited. They called me “the Knock Less monster.”

Because I was always lookin for free tiddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dct5cg/i_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_changing_room/
%
Mother superior called an urgent meeting of all the 100 nuns in her convent

Mother Superior : Today I found a man's underwear behind the bush ..
99 nuns : Oh Jesus !!
One nun : teeheehee
Mother : Also I found a used condom
99 nuns : Oh Jesus!!
One nun : teeheehee..
Mother : ... And it was broken ...
One nun : Oh Jesus!!!
99 nuns : teeheehee!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dct3vw/mother_superior_called_an_urgent_meeting_of_all/
%
Left my comb at the dentist

now it's a fine toothed comb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcsvnh/left_my_comb_at_the_dentist/
%
How do you burn a lot of calories quickly?

Set a fat kid on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcss63/how_do_you_burn_a_lot_of_calories_quickly/
%
The wrong language

I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know.
“Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since I don’t understand Chinese, I’m not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?”
He said he did and thanked me.
The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, “Why is So-and-So asking us if we’re fluent in Chinese?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcsn5e/the_wrong_language/
%
A naked man arrives at a fancy dress with a girl on his back

"I'm a turtle" he says
Oh.. Who's on your back?
"That's Michelle" he replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcsarx/a_naked_man_arrives_at_a_fancy_dress_with_a_girl/
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A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida...

And goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcs8x1/a_young_guy_from_north_carolina_moves_to_florida/
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Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House

. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.
Trump goes back to the Chinese and asks "why 3 million?" The Chinese say "1 million for the paint, 1 million for the labor, and 1 million profit."
He then goes to the Europeans and asks "why 7 million?" The Europeans reply "2 million for the best quality paint, 3 million for the specialized labor, and 2 million profit"
Trump finally goes to the Ecuadorians and asks "why 10 million?" The Ecuadorians reply, "Mr. Trump, let's sit down and have a talk about sincerity. 3 million for you, 4 million for us, and with the last 3 million we hire the damn Chinese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcs6ax/donald_trump_is_looking_to_paint_the_white_house/
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A man was trying to understand the nature of God, and asked him:

“God, how long is a million
years to you?” God answered: “A million years is like a minute.” Then the man asked: “God, how
much is a million dollars to you?” And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.” Finally
the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?” And God said, “In a minute.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcs1kw/a_man_was_trying_to_understand_the_nature_of_god/
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Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcryf9/once_upon_a_time_in_the_magical_fantasy_kingdom/
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I always knock on the fridge door before I open it

Just in case there's a salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcrw4w/i_always_knock_on_the_fridge_door_before_i_open_it/
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Before Reddit....

I didn't know any strangers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcrtxb/before_reddit/
%
A man and a woman met in a bar.

They went for a walk and the guy was about to ask her to be his girlfriend, but she said, "I have to pee." He responds, "okay go behind those bushes."
He hears her pull her pants down and can't control himself. He runs to the bushes and reaches in to touch her. He touches her leg and slowly goes up her leg. He then feels something long hanging between her legs.
He yells, "Omg!, don't tell me you're a man!"
She responds, "No! I decided to take a shit instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcrplj/a_man_and_a_woman_met_in_a_bar/
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Chuck Norris does not flush the toilet

Hes just scares the shit out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcrp67/chuck_norris_does_not_flush_the_toilet/
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The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away mice. Unfortunately, the cat wasn't fixed...

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away the mice. Unfortunately, the cat was never fixed, and would hump random objects. The owner tolerates this misbehavior because the cat is just so cute. It's black with white feet, and looks like its wearing little socks.
A customer says, "Cute cat. I bet you call him Socks, because of his feet."
The owner says, "No, I call him Socks because he comes in pears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcrk3k/the_owner_of_a_fruit_stand_decides_to_buy_a_cat/
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My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection....

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcrf8x/my_wife_told_me_to_go_and_get_some_pills_that/
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I can see a whole year into the future.

I have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcre99/i_can_see_a_whole_year_into_the_future/
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Fishing for whiskey

"Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink.
As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcre7d/fishing_for_whiskey/
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[long] The confession

Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but
I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled
with guilt these past few months and have been trying
to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face,
but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myselfva moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.
The temptation was just too much...
.I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me.
I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards,
Alan.
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot
his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.
THE SECOND MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, this is Alan next door again. Sorry about the
slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my Autocorrect changed
“Wi-Fi” to "Wife." Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcrd0z/long_the_confession/
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What type of shoes do kidnappers wear?

White vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcrbkl/what_type_of_shoes_do_kidnappers_wear/
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I just told my best mate how much I love Beyonce.

She said 'whatever floats your boat'. So I said no, that's buoyancy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcr4fn/i_just_told_my_best_mate_how_much_i_love_beyonce/
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Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcr2qw/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
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I saw a statue of a dick

They erected it yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcqw6u/i_saw_a_statue_of_a_dick/
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Mas-tur-bate

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful."
Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcqs00/masturbate/
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Why don’t mermaids use Bash?

Because they prefer a C-Shell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcqokn/why_dont_mermaids_use_bash/
%
Contrary to popular belief, Americans actually use their feet more than any other country in the world!

The Europeans prefer the meter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcqoeq/contrary_to_popular_belief_americans_actually_use/
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A couple was expecting a baby...

On the way to the hospital, the parents-to-be realized they were not going to make it in time, so the man called 911 for an ambulance to meet them. The operator asked if this was the woman’s first child, and the man said, “No, this is her husband.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcqm7u/a_couple_was_expecting_a_baby/
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I was in a taxi today and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

Then I said, “Turn left here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcqjma/i_was_in_a_taxi_today_and_the_driver_said_i_love/
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Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcqikm/hi_everyone_if_you_know_someone_who_has_animals/
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What do you call a prostitute on Knockturn Alley?

A whorecrux

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcqexs/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_on_knockturn_alley/
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A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.

They walk up to God and ask to be married.
God says give me some time and I’ll get back to you. Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.
A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask for a divorce.
God responds  “It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcqb22/a_man_and_a_woman_meet_in_heaven_and_fall_in_love/
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Son goes to dad to tell him he learned to get an errection whistling.

"Dad, dad. Look!" He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
"Very good, my son. Just like your dad. Look." He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
Uncle sees that and approves. Then, demonstrates. He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
Grandpa sees that and approves. Then he also demonstrates. He whistles, penis goes up. Then, he reaches for his gun and points it to the rest of them.
"If any of you motherfuckers whistles, I'm gonna kill you all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcq7fo/son_goes_to_dad_to_tell_him_he_learned_to_get_an/
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The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd ...

... they've left those kids a loan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcq7an/the_american_education_system_obviously_listen_to/
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Technology

Google has a purchase recommendation feature.
It essentially looks over your shoulder when you are on the computer. It scans your emails, sees what you are doing on-line, what sites you frequent, who you talk too, what you talk about and what you spend your money on. Then it tells you what you should do with your money.
I don't need that. I have a wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcq546/technology/
%
A salesman gets a flat tire in front of the insane asylum.

As he changes the tire a guy on the other side of the fence sits watching him.
In the process of changing the tire the salesman kicks the nuts holding the wheel and loses the nuts in a the stream next to the road.
Raging about and cursing his luck he's interrupted by the guy on the other side of the fence.  The guy says "just take one nut off each of the other wheels, 3 nuts will hold the tire on if you drive carefully until you get to a repair shop."
The salesman realizes that's true and says that's brilliant, what are you doing in there?
The guy replies, I'm nuts, not stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcq1q2/a_salesman_gets_a_flat_tire_in_front_of_the/
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Slippers

Murphy goes to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezin' mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," says Murphy, and he runs upstairs. Upstairs are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off ya liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of 'em, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcq1mo/slippers/
%
Do you want to hear a joke about sodium bromide?

NaBrO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcpv0x/do_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_sodium_bromide/
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Kids do say the Darnest Things.

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcptnw/kids_do_say_the_darnest_things/
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42% of strippers are working their way through college.

This, according to the latest pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcps9j/42_of_strippers_are_working_their_way_through/
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Twins

A lady had 2 twin boys and her and her husband decided to put them up for adoption.
The woman made it clear to the people adopting that she wanted a picture every year on their birthday.
Well one kid got adopted by a Hispanic family and they named him Juan.
The other was adopted by a black family and they named him Jamal.
One year the woman didnt get a picture of Jamal, but got one of Juan.
She was crying to her husband saying she really would like to see Jamal.
And her husband said - well if you seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcplns/twins/
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Dissapointment is...

running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcpldt/dissapointment_is/
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Why I Fired My Secretary

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead, she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked.
had a condom On nothing more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcphd7/why_i_fired_my_secretary/
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All men should make coffee for their women.

It says right in the Bible: "HEBREW"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcpgmg/all_men_should_make_coffee_for_their_women/
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The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

...never let your guard down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcp58d/the_prisoner_pleaded_im_sorry_i_tried_to_escape/
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How was the red sea formed?

Over a long period of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcp3jq/how_was_the_red_sea_formed/
%
Ever since I got my left leg amputated, every girl has been avoiding me.

I got into a car accident a few years back and had my left leg amputated. Getting used to balancing myself on 1 leg and crutches took a lot of time. I felt that without my precious left leg, i would never be the same.
My confidence dropped severely, and the passion i had for all the things i had loved dispersed quickly. I keep asking myself if life was worth living while repeatedly falling on my front teeth at every rehab session.
I used to be quite attractive to many women, having dated 6 (once at a time, because i am a gentleman) before the accident.
However, once i lost my left leg, everything changed, and people avoided me..
Maybe it's because of my lack of confidence, maybe some were just into my left leg and nothing more, maybe it's because of my tendency to write a new paragraph every 1 or 2 sentences, but i couldnt point out which.
But then, she came along, and it was love at first sight.
We met online in a facebook community group, she was the friend of a cousin of mine who went to the same church as me.
She loved me for who i was, despite all my flaws, despite being teased for caring for me, and despite being with someone who will forever burden her everywhere she goes with my crutches and wheelchair.
I too, have recently reignited my passion, my love, my confidence, all because of her. Even though we've been dating for only a couple of months, she's changed my life this much. Even without my left leg, i can do anything if it's for her.
She asked me out tonight, knowing that i can't pick her up at her place. She says she's prepared something special for me, and i cant wait.
I may be going out on a limb here, but i think she's the one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcp2c0/ever_since_i_got_my_left_leg_amputated_every_girl/
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A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcp0av/a_guy_said_to_god_god_is_it_true_that_to_you_a/
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Going to the gym has changed my life. I dropped 20 pounds

On my foot. Shit’s broken and I can’t walk now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcozhf/going_to_the_gym_has_changed_my_life_i_dropped_20/
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Did you hear about the Mexican firefighter's twin sons?

He named them Hose A and Hose B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcoxcy/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_firefighters_twin/
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My wife walked into the room and I snuck up behind her and yelled; BOO! She cried hysterically and ran outside.

I always do this to her but I guess it was funnier when I was alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcop7h/my_wife_walked_into_the_room_and_i_snuck_up/
%
What does a nun and a gremlin have in common?

they're both not allowed to get wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcomgt/what_does_a_nun_and_a_gremlin_have_in_common/
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The other night I was lying in bed looking at the stars thinking.....

Where the fuck has my roof gone?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcom5k/the_other_night_i_was_lying_in_bed_looking_at_the/
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Did you know that Do and Re are being taken off the Solfège scale?

Mi either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcogep/did_you_know_that_do_and_re_are_being_taken_off/
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God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."
"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."
"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."
"Yeah, no."
"I will sue you for breaking contractual obligations."
"And where exactly are you going to find any lawyers...?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcobid/god_calls_satan/
%
What did the detective say after finding a calculator?

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dco8wf/what_did_the_detective_say_after_finding_a/
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3 people get stranded on a jungle island

A tribe finds them, and tells them to go into the jungle and find a piece of fruit, and they can live in the tribe. So they do...
The first guy comes back with a peach. The chief tells him he has to stick it up his ass, and if he laughs he dies. The guy tries, but starts laughing so they behead him.
The second guy comes back with a grape. The chief tells him the same thing, and he does it. He’s doing well, but halfway through he bursts out laughing, so they kill him.
The two guys meet in the afterlife. The first guy said “I laughed because the peach was tickling me. Why did you laugh?” “Well,” said the second guy, “I was doing fine. Then I saw the third guy come back with a pineapple!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dco662/3_people_get_stranded_on_a_jungle_island/
%
My step-dad told me it was pointless to apply to med school because "I was too stupid to be a doctor"

8 years later one of us is an unemployed loser with a drinking problem and the other is making six figures and going to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dco0w4/my_stepdad_told_me_it_was_pointless_to_apply_to/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference...

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him, “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees, “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So  they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as  Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the  real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the  crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks  of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to  respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing  his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their  breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says,
“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcnyb7/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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[Dark] My coworker and I were comparing the uses of mustard.

Me: If you have a burn problem, put mustard on it
Her: If you have a cut problem, put mustard on it
Me: If you have a hotdog problem, put mustard on it
Her: If you have a Jew problem, put mustard on it
Other worker, to manager: She's talking about the gas
Manager: I KNOW SHE'S TALKING ABOUT THE GAS!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcns7g/dark_my_coworker_and_i_were_comparing_the_uses_of/
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Fat-Pride movement is the only movement...

Without movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcnoaa/fatpride_movement_is_the_only_movement/
%
Plane Crash

Three men survive a plane crash in the snowy mountains. There is no way to escape. Their only hope is to survive until rescue arrives.
After a few weeks they come to the realization without food they are going to die. So they decide they are going to have to eat one of them so the others may survive. So they discuss who should be eaten, and give their best arguments.
The first guy says, “You can’t eat me, I have a wife and kids. I am also mostly skin and bones at this point. I think we should eat the fat guy, the remaining two could survive longer on his body than either of us.”
The second guy says, “Well you can’t eat me, I run the only nonprofit that helps special needs children in my county. I also do a lot of volunteer work and community service. And I also agree we should eat the fat guy.”
The fat guy says, “Well you can’t eat me, I use to be a women.”
The first guy says, “What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”
The second guys says, “Well that changes everything. I guess we are going to have to eat the first guy.”
First guy, “Why the fuck do you have to eat me instead of him?”
Second guy, “Because Trans Fats are bad for your health.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcnln7/plane_crash/
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I’m going to start putting chromosomes in my advertising.

Because sex cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcnjvc/im_going_to_start_putting_chromosomes_in_my/
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All women are sex objects

Whenever you ask them for sex, they’ll object

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcnhfu/all_women_are_sex_objects/
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Midas was greedy but, there's another Greek figure that's obsessed with collecting coins.

Purseus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcngvz/midas_was_greedy_but_theres_another_greek_figure/
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Asians made the first ever edible glue.

Rice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcn9hs/asians_made_the_first_ever_edible_glue/
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Waldo is working out at the gym

He sees another guy there and asks, "hey man, can you spot me?"
The guy says: "Well I'll try my best, but it might take me a while."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcn8bp/waldo_is_working_out_at_the_gym/
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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcn771/a_wife_decides_to_take_her_husband_dave_to_a/
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I want a brain transplant

Change my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcn4t1/i_want_a_brain_transplant/
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Bill Gates is having lunch in a restaurant when a young man comes over.

He says "Excuse me Mr Gates, I know this is presumptious but if I can have thirty seconds of your time: I read your amazing book about your early career and, basically, I'm now at the point you were at when you were just starting out. I'm entertaining a couple of business sponsors to lunch and it would really help if, just as you were leaving, you passed by my table and said 'See you later, Dave'. I think that would make a really favourable impression on them."
The young man slips away and Bill ponders his request, then smiles good-naturedly, pays for lunch and gets his coat. On his way out of the restaurant he passes by the young man's table and says "See you later, Dave".
And the young man says "Piss off, Bill! Can't you see I'm having a working lunch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcn4le/bill_gates_is_having_lunch_in_a_restaurant_when_a/
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What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

An algae bra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcn3c8/what_did_the_mermaid_wear_to_her_math_class/
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcn0ke/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
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I'm sorry to say this sir but it looks like your girlfriend was hit by a bus....

Me: Yeah, but she's got a great personality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcmykw/im_sorry_to_say_this_sir_but_it_looks_like_your/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcmy1g/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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An American is on holiday in Ireland, and while there he wants to play some golf

So he goes to the closest golf club and says "I'd like to play some golf, but have nobody to play with. Would anyone here like to play?"
A man walks up and says "I'll play with you. I'll meet you here at 9 am, but I could be half an hour late."
So the American turns up the next morning and sure enough the Irishman is there at 9 am, with a set of left handed clubs.
They play a round and the Irishman wins quite convincingly.
So the American says "that was great playing. Would you like to play again tomorrow?"
The Irishman replies "certainly. I'll meet you here at 9 am, but I could be half an hour late."
So they both turn up the next day at 9 am, only this time the Irishman has a right handed set of clubs.
They play a round and again the Irishman wins quite convincingly.
The American shocked says "wow you play well. But I want to try one more time at beating you. Do you want to play again tomorrow?"
The Irishman says "sure. I'll meet you here at 9 am, but I could be half an hour late"
With this the American says "now hang on a minute, yesterday you beat me playing left handed. Today you beat me right handed. How do you decide what hand to play with?"
The Irishman replies "well when I wake up, if my wife is laying on her left side I play left handed, if she's laying on her right side I play right handed"
To which the American says "what if she's laying on her back?"
"Then I'll be half an hour late!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcmwor/an_american_is_on_holiday_in_ireland_and_while/
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What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat..?

...the wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcmwih/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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I forgot the Netflix password.

Who here remembers it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcmvcx/i_forgot_the_netflix_password/
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My sexlife isn't shit

Because shit happens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcmpqy/my_sexlife_isnt_shit/
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If you're scared of child molesters...

grow up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcmogv/if_youre_scared_of_child_molesters/
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PATIENT: Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter!

DOCTOR: I’m so sorry, I don’t follow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcmlbq/patient_doctor_i_need_your_help_im_addicted_to/
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FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY.....

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come to get her.
My hubby (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My hubby and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my hubby 'El-Cheap-O', and my hubby calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another. It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.
The next day my hubby had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The Dr's waiting room and office was full of people waiting. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my hubby arrive.
He looked straight at my hubby and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!'
THEN HE CLOSED THE DOOR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcmiy9/found_a_starving_dirty_smelly_skinny_and_matted/
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Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcme88/two_students_john_and_james_took_a_quiz_on_which/
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How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screenshots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcmbb5/how_does_a_computer_get_drunk/
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People call me illiterate...

But I know for sure my parents were married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcmayh/people_call_me_illiterate/
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I went on a walk with a girl yesterday...

Then she noticed me and we went on a run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcm9ij/i_went_on_a_walk_with_a_girl_yesterday/
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Someone once asked me, "Do you want a graham cracker?" I said, "First off, please don't call me that..."

"... And second off, a gram of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcm68s/someone_once_asked_me_do_you_want_a_graham/
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In China, you can criticise every Roman numeral from I to X.

But you can't criticize Xi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcm5mz/in_china_you_can_criticise_every_roman_numeral/
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I barged into Snow White's room to find out what all the noise was about.

I'll tell you one thing, she wasn't fucking happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcm133/i_barged_into_snow_whites_room_to_find_out_what/
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Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dclzd1/why_dont_scientists_trust_atoms/
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Woman walks into Starbucks

-We recommend caffeine-free coffee for pregnant women.
-I'm not pregnant.
-Wow, how about sugar-free then?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dclwtr/woman_walks_into_starbucks/
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My neighbors house got struck by lightning...

It hit close to home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcl767/my_neighbors_house_got_struck_by_lightning/
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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see across the hall is this nine-outta-ten girl, hauling boxes into her new place. So I, like the curious neighbor I am, walk up and ask "Hey, can I give you a hand with those boxes?" and inthe snootiest, whitest white girl voice I've ever heard she says "Uhm, no thanks, creep!"
So I walk off, defeated and dejected, and settle in for a night of video games, good pizza and generally a snazzy ol' time.
The next morning, as I'm walking out of my house and locking the door, I hear a much calmer version of the same white girl voice I heard just before, and to protect her identity, I'm just gonna call her Nine.
Nine says to me, "I'm so sorry for the way I treated you last night, moving into a new place is so stressful I took it out on you and I shouldn't have done that."
"Not a problem, sometimes it be like that," I respond.
"Can I take you out for dinner tonight as an apology?" She's starting to get really flirty at this point. Score!
"On one condition, you let me pay, and I take you to a movie as well." I'm in the clear now!
So Nine and I date for a few weeks and it's going awesomely, she's super hot, she's really sweet and we get busy doing all sorts of stuff you do in the secrecy of your own home with the person you love. Like our taxes.
And then, not too long later, and new girl moves in, one door opposite me. A decent seven-outta-ten, not super hot like Nine, but still cute. So I see her moving boxes the same way and offer to help, and she gladly accepts.
She directs me to bring a loosely-taped, very old worn-down looking box to the living room, and so I do.
I plop the box - carefully - onto the floor, and notice it's full of old 90's era video games, complete woth a snes and a nes, really cool stuff, basically.
So I casually ask her "is that your boyfriends'box of games", and she cheerily tells me no. She's an avid gamer, and a major collector of 90's nostalgia. Primo cool stuff, and we form a fast friendship.
So life is great for a few months, Nines and I spend tons of time together, madly in love, and Seven is my new best friend. Until, one day, Nines tells me that she's starting to become really jealous of Seven, which, to be fair, is entirely understandable. If I'm not with one I'm with the other, and I can see how she might think something is going on.
So I tell her to spend some time with Seven, if she likes me, she'll LOVE Seven, and hopefully they can become fast friends too.
Then it gets weird, Nines tells me that while they were hanging out, Seven threatened to kill her, if she didn't stop seeing me. And Nines is fucking scared man, like, she thinks Seven might actually do something about it. But it's late, so I tell her I'll talk to Seven in the morning.
Morning comes, I knock on Seven's door. No answer.
Text Seven, no answer. Call her, no answer.
Nine's door. Text. Call. Nothing.
So I think maybe they're at work already - or run off to start their own secret romance?
I come home from work, haven't heard from either of them. I'm ghosted for weeks.
And then, I see her. Seven, on the news. Covered in blood. She looks straight into the camera. "She's dead, you're next." Cut to a shot of an anchorman, talking about how a woman was murdered. Bites taken out of her flesh.
She's dead, you're next.
They autopsy the body, murder. It was Nines. Parts of her had been eaten.
She's dead, you're next.
Nines is dead. I'm next.
So it begs the question, why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven ate Nine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dckz30/the_girlfriend_joke/
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How long does it take to get through a labyrinth?

A minotaur two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dckv87/how_long_does_it_take_to_get_through_a_labyrinth/
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My wife asked me if I would ever cheat on her with another woman, I told her no...

By the way I am gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcktm9/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_would_ever_cheat_on_her/
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The kids tried to name the pet fish

But they were far too literal with names like "fishy" and "flipper".
I wonder where Little Human and Naked Baby get that from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dckplr/the_kids_tried_to_name_the_pet_fish/
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I like having layers on my bed.

That’s just a blanket statement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcknjp/i_like_having_layers_on_my_bed/
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The smart kid

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcki9c/the_smart_kid/
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Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.

She: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dckg3h/me_i_just_burned_2000_calories_in_20_minutes/
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What did the man with 5 penises say when he put on his underwear?

Fits like a glove!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcket9/what_did_the_man_with_5_penises_say_when_he_put/
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How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan?

Take away the little brooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dckeos/how_do_you_stop_bacon_from_curling_in_the_pan/
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What is Trumps least favorite band?

Foreigner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dckc3x/what_is_trumps_least_favorite_band/
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What do cuckoo clocks and twitter bots have in common?

They both use artificial tweetener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dck9lu/what_do_cuckoo_clocks_and_twitter_bots_have_in/
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A school hired a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college.

On the teacher's first day, the principal decides to sit in her class to observe and takes a seat next to Little Johnny. As the class progresses, the teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board. Suddenly, she drops the chalk on the floor and bends down to pick it up. When she straightens back up, she finishes writing the sentence and says. "Now class, who can translate the sentence I just wrote?
Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Yes, Johnny" says the teacher.
Little Johnny says, "if only that skirt were a bit shorter..."
Naturally flustered, the teacher yells out, "Johnny! That is disgusting and very rude! Get out of my class right now!"
As Little Johnny is packing his things, he hits the principal on the head with his Spanish textbook and says. "And you Mister, if you don't know your shit, keep your damn mouth shut!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dck9jp/a_school_hired_a_new_spanish_teacher_fresh_out_of/
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What did the pickle say to the lemon?

I relish our time together
I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dck94c/what_did_the_pickle_say_to_the_lemon/
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NSFW: Two tampons pass each other in the street, which one said 'hi' first?

Neither, because they're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcjqcx/nsfw_two_tampons_pass_each_other_in_the_street/
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What important historical fact can one learn from Mount Rushmore?

The best American Presidents were stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcjpjm/what_important_historical_fact_can_one_learn_from/
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I recently attempted to contact the mods of r/anarchy...

But I couldn't find any!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcjkno/i_recently_attempted_to_contact_the_mods_of/
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Imagine all the things we could do if we didn't have to sleep

I could do so much with those extra 2 hours a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcjjax/imagine_all_the_things_we_could_do_if_we_didnt/
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Ctrl + C

Ctrl + V

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcjfnq/ctrl_c/
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What's the difference between a "Cult" and a "Religion"?

In a "Cult" there is one man at the "top" who knows everything and has orchestrated most of it out of his imagination.
In a "Religion", that person is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcjbns/whats_the_difference_between_a_cult_and_a_religion/
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What do you call a Patriotic Hulk?

Dr. Star Spangled Banner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcjaxd/what_do_you_call_a_patriotic_hulk/
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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down next to a guy with a peg leg, a metal hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.
He orders a beer, looks at the guy next to him, and asks "What are you supposed to be, a pirate?"
"Yarr, I am" replies the pirate.
"You must have some crazy stories about your leg, your hand, and your eye."
"Yarrrrrr, I do" said the pirate.
"You see this peg leg here? Well, one dark and stormy night a great wave crashed on me boat, knocked me overboard, and a great big shark bit me leg off and now I've got this hunk o wood instead of me leg."
"Wow, that's crazy." said the man."What happened to your hand?"
The pirate took a drink and continued.
"T'was another great storm at sea, and a different wave came and crashed on me boat, knocked me overboard, and a different great big shark bit me hand off. Now I've got this metal hook instead of me hand."
The man was amazed. "Holy shit. I can't believe you survived two separate shark attacks. I'm almost afraid to ask what happened to your eye."
"Yarr. T'was a fine day at sea. I looked up to the sky and a seagull shat in me eye."
The man chuckled." I'm sorry I don't mean to laugh, but after all you've been through I can't believe seagull shit would make you lose your eye."
The pirate stared deeply into his drink, his head hanging low.
"Yarr, t'was me first day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcjajg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man walks into the library looking for a book...

After looking around, he walks up to the front desk and asks"Hey, I am looking for a book about micropenises but can't seem to find it."The librarian responds"I am sorry, I don't think it's in yet""That's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcj9nh/a_man_walks_into_the_library_looking_for_a_book/
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Why does Japan have such a low obesity rate?

Because last time there was a Fat Man, 8000 people died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcj356/why_does_japan_have_such_a_low_obesity_rate/
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Did you hear about the dummy that robbed a bank?

Police are questioning a ventriloquist who may have had a hand in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcizy6/did_you_hear_about_the_dummy_that_robbed_a_bank/
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Had a friend that was addicted to soap...

It’s ok. He’s clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dciug5/had_a_friend_that_was_addicted_to_soap/
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A communist joke

But it'll only be funny if everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcirrr/a_communist_joke/
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Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president

Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcilgc/why_was_melania_so_excited_when_donald_trump/
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Two blokes spot a dog licking his testicles

One says to the other, "I wish I could do that"
His mate responds, "You probably could, but he might bite you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcii8o/two_blokes_spot_a_dog_licking_his_testicles/
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You should always be nice to fat people

There's more of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcih3a/you_should_always_be_nice_to_fat_people/
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When God created woman..

When God created woman,
He gave her not two breasts but three.
When the middle one got in the way
God performed surgery.
Woman stood before God,
With middle breast in hand.
Said "What do we do with the useless boob?"
And God created man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dchxnb/when_god_created_woman/
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Really bad puns.

It’s how eye roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dchqwx/really_bad_puns/
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An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.
Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy. It just sat there, looking like a rock, but sometimes it lifted a lower edge and sucked in powdered sugar. That was all it ate. No one ever saw it move, but every once in a while, it wasn’t quite where people thought it was. There was a theory that it moved when no one was looking.
Bob Laverty had a heli-worm he called Dolly. It was green and carried on photosynthesis. Sometimes it moved to get into better light and when it did so it coiled its wormlike body and inched along very slowly like a turning helix.
One day, Jim Sloane challenged Bob Laverty to a race. ” My Teddy,” he said, “can beat your Dolly.”
“Your Teddy,” scoffed Laverty, “doesn’t move.”
“Bet!” said Sloane.
The whole crew got into the act. Even the captain risked half a credit. Everyone bet on Dolly. At least she moved.
Jim Sloane covered it all. He had been saving his salary through three trips and he put every millicredit of it on Teddy.
The race started at one end of the grand salon. At the other end, a heap of sugar had been placed for Teddy and a spotlight for Dolly. Dolly formed a coil at once and began to spiral its way very slowly toward the light. The watching crew cheered it on.
Teddy just sat there without budging.
“Sugar, Teddy, Sugar,” said Sloane, pointing. Teddy did not move. It looked more like a rock than ever, but Sloane did not seem concerned.
Finally, when Dolly had spiraled halfway across the salon, Jim Sloane said casually to his rockette, “if you don’t get out there, Teddy, I’m going to get a hammer and chip you into pebbles.”
That was when people first discovered that rockettes could read minds. That was also when people first discovered that rockettes could teleport.
Sloane had no sooner made his threat when Teddy simply disappeared from his place and reappeared on top of the sugar.
Sloane won, of course, and he counted his winnings slowly and luxuriously.
Laverty said bitterly, “You knew the damn thing could teleport.”
“No, I didn’t,” said Sloane, “but I knew he would win. It was a sure thing.”
“How come?”
“It’s an old saying everyone knows. … Sloane’s Teddy wins the race.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dchhyw/an_old_joke_from_isaac_asimovfairly_long/
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A government agent is sent to a village

A government agent is sent to a small English village where there are reports of multiple deaths from tainted pharmaceuticals.
The villagers are unaware of the cause, but are nonetheless worried and ask the agent who is responsible for these deaths around the village.
The agent tells them “Big Pharma is responsible for these tragic deaths,” and the people are shocked
The agent must then make the announcement at the village square, to let them all know what’s going on.
He gets to the podium, surrounded by angry sheep herders, blacksmiths, and carpenters from the village and speaks:
“Hear me, villagers, hear me all! Big Pharma is responsible for these deaths! It’s Big Pharma you should be angry at!”
The villagers become enraged, light torches, and organize a mob, ready to avenge these deaths, and they run down the road to a quiet old man’s house and begin beating the man with clubs and sticks, spitting in his face.
The agent catches up to them and shouts, “what are you doing to this man! He’s not who you want!”
A villager turns to him and says, in a thick British accent, “Whaddaya mean? We’re gonna kill the bloody pig farmer!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dch7y5/a_government_agent_is_sent_to_a_village/
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What types of marathons do racist people run?

Only 3ks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dch20d/what_types_of_marathons_do_racist_people_run/
%
How did the app control all of its users?

Karma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcgwmt/how_did_the_app_control_all_of_its_users/
%
why did the skeleton not ask his crush to the monster mash?

He didn't have any guts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcglys/why_did_the_skeleton_not_ask_his_crush_to_the/
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How do you piss off 100s of millions of people at the same time?

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were both upstanding candidates fully deserving of the US presidency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcgivt/how_do_you_piss_off_100s_of_millions_of_people_at/
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Elon Musk launched a cow to the moon. It landed so hard that a quarter of the moon got annihilated.

Moo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcg9vp/elon_musk_launched_a_cow_to_the_moon_it_landed_so/
%
A man keeps stealing police car tyres

The police are looking tyrelessly for him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcg7g0/a_man_keeps_stealing_police_car_tyres/
%
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcg2q9/hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
%
Why was the baby cookie sad?

Because his mom was a wafer so long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcg28l/why_was_the_baby_cookie_sad/
%
“ Yo momma so fat ...

..her fart caused the Big Bang! “
* overheard neighbour’s kids and I chuckled!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcftqu/yo_momma_so_fat/
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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *
Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcfpzq/i_remember_when_bandwidth_was_so_bad_your_porn/
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A man walked into a bar...

And became a successful lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcfo5o/a_man_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Guys i just recently bought a 512Gb iPhone 11 Pro Max, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 9 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcfjgb/guys_i_just_recently_bought_a_512gb_iphone_11_pro/
%
Just Monkeying Around

Guy goes to the zoo and is hanging out around the outdoor monkey cage. There's lots of people about and he can't see much, so he leans in over the safety rail to get a better look. A chimp, unseen until that moment, reaches through the bars and snatches a box of matches out of his shirt breast pocket.
Wasting no time, the monkeys gather together, press matches into their own poo, ignite the match heads and fling the fiery refuse into the shocked and screaming crowd.
At least a dozen people suffered from turd degree burns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcfipr/just_monkeying_around/
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How do nazi programmers greet one another?

Zip! File!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcfgwn/how_do_nazi_programmers_greet_one_another/
%
Wanted: a man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars

Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcfd8k/wanted_a_man_has_been_stealing_the_wheels_off_of/
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Apparenly, we all come from dust and return to dust.

That's why I never dust, it could be somebody I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcfazx/apparenly_we_all_come_from_dust_and_return_to_dust/
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Knock knock

Who’s there?
Deja.
Deja who?
Knock knock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcf167/knock_knock/
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A pimp discovers he doesnt make as much money as he used to...

A pimp realizes hes not being paid as much as usual. So he goes to his 3 hoes. A gymnast, a math student, and retail worker.
The gymnast says she doesnt know who it is, but it's certainly not her.
The math student swears it's the gymnast cause all the guys are into her.
And the retail worker claims she just doesnt have the time, she couldn't have done it.
After much decision and talking to some homies. He decides to ask how many guys they've all been with. This week.
The gymnast says she doesnt keep track of that shit, she just fucks and leaves.
The math student was adamant. She says "it was 4, or maybe 5. No wait it was 6!"
And the retail worker says it was only a few as shes still very busy.
It wasnt the gymnast as shes been loyal for years. The retail worker makes enough money from Her job to not need a third side gig too.
He realizes...
It's the thot that counts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcehat/a_pimp_discovers_he_doesnt_make_as_much_money_as/
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Jim and bob are working

for the same big international company. They get underpaid and the workload is huge. At some point during the friday lunch Jim just has enough and goes "That's it! I'm going to quit and I'll show them who's boss."
He stands up and like a mad bull rages towards the CEO office. He slams the door open to find a suprised CEO in the middle of a conference call. Before the CEO can react, Jim unzips his pants, steps on the desk and proceeds to piss all over the CEO and his desk. Jim leaves nothing untouched, including the company awards, the thousands of dollars of cigars and the CEO's new suit. After finishing he zips up his pants and yells out "You'll never see me again you \*sshole".
Bob ran after Jim and witnessed the entire situation in shock and horror. When Jim passed him on his way out he said to Bob "I suggest you to do the same thing".
Over the course of the weekend Bob talks to his wife and mentions Jim's heroic action. Jane encourages Bob to do the same thing.
Next friday during lunch Bob finally decides he too is brave enough and in a blind fury rages towards the CEO's newly decorated office. Sure enough, the CEO is in another conference call when Bob barges in. Like Jim, Bob also unzips his pants, stands on the desk and proceeds to piss all over the now furious CEO and his desk. When Bob is finished he zips his pants back up, steps of the desk and yells out:
"See you on monday you \*sshole"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcefux/jim_and_bob_are_working/
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My friend told me that I look like John Cena

I don’t see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcebqq/my_friend_told_me_that_i_look_like_john_cena/
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My brother Jacks off to a hot date tonight

Fuck I forgot the apostrophe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcdrzc/my_brother_jacks_off_to_a_hot_date_tonight/
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You’d think that snails would be faster without their shells.

They actually become more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcdfsf/youd_think_that_snails_would_be_faster_without/
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Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcdezv/stevie_wonder_got_a_cheese_grater_for_his_birthday/
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What’s the only thing worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcdeiu/whats_the_only_thing_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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I got 100 percent on my test!!

I was arrested cause apparently you can't drive when you're "drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcddm7/i_got_100_percent_on_my_test/
%
A woman shoots her husband for stepping on the clean floor

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcd956/a_woman_shoots_her_husband_for_stepping_on_the/
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A woman walks into a doctor's office and wants a sex change.

The doctor replies, "An adadicktame"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dccz9s/a_woman_walks_into_a_doctors_office_and_wants_a/
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What noise does a subatomic duck make?

Quark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dccp3f/what_noise_does_a_subatomic_duck_make/
%
Learning letters

"I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin  A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcconh/learning_letters/
%
I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dccmgx/i_called_a_suicide_hotline_in_afghanistan/
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I wanna start a restaurant called "the cleft palate"

Why?
Because harelip is offensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dccllj/i_wanna_start_a_restaurant_called_the_cleft_palate/
%
What did the buffalo say to his kid when his kid told him he was gay but still liked girls?

It doesn't matter. I still love my bi son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dccira/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_kid_when_his_kid/
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Popeye was a really good photographer, Because he was

“Popeye DSLR man!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dccgkl/popeye_was_a_really_good_photographer_because_he/
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I don't get why there are so many social justice warriors

Why don't people want to play as social justice mages or social justice rangers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dccgc0/i_dont_get_why_there_are_so_many_social_justice/
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A dad picked up his child from school...

On the way home , the child asked : "Dad , what does drunk mean ? "
The father responded : " Well , see the 2 cars in front of us , a drunk man would see 4 cars . "
The kid responded : " But dad , there's only one car in front of us . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcceq8/a_dad_picked_up_his_child_from_school/
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I can't face my problems.

Because my face is the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dccepv/i_cant_face_my_problems/
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Am I adopted?

Fuck no!
Why the fuck would I pick you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dccat1/am_i_adopted/
%
The Math teacher called my son average.

I think that was very mean of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcc9f0/the_math_teacher_called_my_son_average/
%
What is the easiest way to tell a construction worker from a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcc55d/what_is_the_easiest_way_to_tell_a_construction/
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Problem with the new jeans

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.
“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.
“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcc1yz/problem_with_the_new_jeans/
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When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcbwty/when_feeding_me_my_mother_would_say_here_comes/
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I had someone tailgate me when I was going 10 over the speed limit in the fast lane.

So I got in the slower lane and he continued to tailgate me!  He looked so ridiculous with those flashing lights and that annoying siren.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcbm82/i_had_someone_tailgate_me_when_i_was_going_10/
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Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids?

Because asteroids was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcbhxc/why_are_hemorrhoids_called_hemorrhoids/
%
Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcbgxz/why_did_nobody_laugh_when_the_king_farted/
%
Yesterday, someone sneezed on me and now I feel ill.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcbfsc/yesterday_someone_sneezed_on_me_and_now_i_feel_ill/
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Me: Oooooo handcuffs. That's pretty hot!!! What's our safe word?

Cop:  Man, what the fuck is wrong with you???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcbdbb/me_oooooo_handcuffs_thats_pretty_hot_whats_our/
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You wanna know why my bank has a drive-through window?

So that the real owners of the car can check up on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcb9nf/you_wanna_know_why_my_bank_has_a_drivethrough/
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Do not use "beef_stew" as a password!

It's not stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcb1io/do_not_use_beef_stew_as_a_password/
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I was strolling through my local graveyard walking the dog...

When I noticed a man crouched behind a gravestone.
"Morning." I said, tipping my hat to him.
"Nope," he replied "just taking a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcay84/i_was_strolling_through_my_local_graveyard/
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Boy: Can a wife make you a millionaire?

Dad: Yes, if you're a billionaire...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcaxd1/boy_can_a_wife_make_you_a_millionaire/
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A boy wanted to know where humans came from

He asked his mom and she said: "Humans are descended from monkeys."
Then he asks his dad and he said: "Humans came from adam and eve"
The boy was confused and replied: "But mom said we are descended from monkeys."
The dad laughs and says: "Son, your mom's family is none of my business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcawte/a_boy_wanted_to_know_where_humans_came_from/
%
When Joe Louis was asked who had hit him the hardest during his boxing career, he replied,

“That’s easy—Uncle Sam!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcatzl/when_joe_louis_was_asked_who_had_hit_him_the/
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Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Trump," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Donald Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcaqun/everyone_knows_dave/
%
The storm blew away 20% of my couch last night

Ouch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcanue/the_storm_blew_away_20_of_my_couch_last_night/
%
I finally decided to see someone about my kleptomania

I just couldn't take it anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcan1n/i_finally_decided_to_see_someone_about_my/
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My pronouns are Him/He but my chocolate bars pronouns are...

Her/She

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcaj1h/my_pronouns_are_himhe_but_my_chocolate_bars/
%
2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back.

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.
They  went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land.
One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and  asked - are you guys mad or what ? What the hell are you doing ?
The  guys replied. We are from the government Forest department. We are a three guy team. My job is to dig up a hole , the other guy plants a tree  and this guy fills the hole back.
The middle guy called out sick today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcai36/2_guys_on_the_road_one_was_digging_a_hole_the/
%
Imagine being a social creature that's bad at socializing.

Oh wait. I don't have to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dcagu7/imagine_being_a_social_creature_thats_bad_at/
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an atheist and a dyslexic?

You get a guy that stays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dca7nl/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
%
My last girlfriend told me I was sexually inadequate...

A small part of me is afraid she may be right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dca4fi/my_last_girlfriend_told_me_i_was_sexually/
%
I miss understood a Sleeping Beauty

Ill never be welcome to a funeral again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dca2s4/i_miss_understood_a_sleeping_beauty/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc9yrx/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc9ydi/the_female_janitor_at_my_building_asked_if_i/
%
I make so many Nazi jokes

I was promoted to captain of the 1st Punzer Division.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc9y80/i_make_so_many_nazi_jokes/
%
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, great service but no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc9y7n/have_you_heard_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
What kind of pants does a ghost wear?

A pair a normal pants
My nephew's answer:Scaredy Pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc9vwa/what_kind_of_pants_does_a_ghost_wear/
%
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc9vcy/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole_i/
%
Where do elements work out?

The oxygym

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc9uyn/where_do_elements_work_out/
%
My Grandfather took down dozens of Nazi planes in ww2.

Worst mechanic Germany ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc9tdz/my_grandfather_took_down_dozens_of_nazi_planes_in/
%
Who is bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's son

Mr. Bigger's son because he is a little bigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc9k9y/who_is_bigger_mr_bigger_or_mr_biggers_son/
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What did the ghost say when it woke up with a bad hangover?

“Man, I really need to lay off the boos.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc9ae6/what_did_the_ghost_say_when_it_woke_up_with_a_bad/
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A Priest & A Little Boy...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc99ts/a_priest_a_little_boy/
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Which country's capital has the quickest growth in population..?

Ireland, Every day it's Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc977m/which_countrys_capital_has_the_quickest_growth_in/
%
How do Indian cyclists carry their cheese?

In their paneer bags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc8zkw/how_do_indian_cyclists_carry_their_cheese/
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NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.
"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."
She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what are you doing?"She asks.
"I'm Arnold Palmer,the world most famous golfer."
On to the next room she peeks in and there's a guy balancing a peanut on the tip of his dick."And who are you suppose to be?"She asks.
"Who me?I'm just fuckin'nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc8ygj/nsfwa_nurse_was_making_her_rounds_at_the_insane/
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People keep talking about these "safe spaces". Well, call me old fashioned but I'm going to keep on calling them what they REALLY are...

Banks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc8tu3/people_keep_talking_about_these_safe_spaces_well/
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Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can grip their broom better.
I know,I know.I posted this a few weeks back but because Halloween is coming up I thought maybe you might want to pass this around the office,bar,whatever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc8qep/why_dont_witches_wear_panties/
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I used to think that clowns doing the 1930’s cream pie gag was hilarious

Until I realized that I too have also been creampied by clowns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc8qby/i_used_to_think_that_clowns_doing_the_1930s_cream/
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What is Obama’s favorite vegetable?

Barrack-oli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc8pyc/what_is_obamas_favorite_vegetable/
%
A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."
HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc8oc2/a_skeleton_goes_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender/
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I can’t bear it

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc8jaw/i_cant_bear_it/
%
A priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar

Bartender looks up and says,
“What, is this some sort of fuckin joke?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc8emj/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_horse_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc8dtk/a_storm_blew_away_25_of_my_roof_last_night/
%
I was the President's speechwriter but this morning I resigned.

The President was speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc8ap3/i_was_the_presidents_speechwriter_but_this/
%
My doctor tells me I'm addicted to procrastinating.

It's not true, though - I can start whenever I want!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc8958/my_doctor_tells_me_im_addicted_to_procrastinating/
%
I dont like 9/11 jokes

The other 2 are good though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc866c/i_dont_like_911_jokes/
%
I heard Facebook had published a list of 71 genders but when I looked there were only 70...

Someone's hidden a gender, if you ask me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc84vh/i_heard_facebook_had_published_a_list_of_71/
%
What do you call numbers that constantly move?

Roamin’ Numerals!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc7vjd/what_do_you_call_numbers_that_constantly_move/
%
What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

Most people are willing to admit that cults are dangerous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc7vgc/whats_the_difference_between_a_religion_and_a_cult/
%
Three nuns were sitting in a bench

A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. Two of the nuns had a stroke, the third one couldn't quite reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc7ifz/three_nuns_were_sitting_in_a_bench/
%
How does Moses make coffee?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc7e38/how_does_moses_make_coffee/
%
What do you call it when a guy cums all over a girls face?

Genetic makeup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc7ccj/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_guy_cums_all_over_a/
%
A stutterer applies for a job selling Bibles.

The boss is wary, but they're short on salesmen and he is willing to give it a shot.
On his first day, the new salesman comes in during lunch. "C-c-can I g-get some n-n-new B-Bibles, I'm out of st-t-stock," he says.
The boss is flabbergasted. "How on Earth did you manage that?" he asks.
"S-simple," the man says. "When th-th-they opened th-the d-d-door I just a-asked them: d-d-do you wan-want to b-b-b-buy one or sh-shall I r-r-read it t-to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc76xm/a_stutterer_applies_for_a_job_selling_bibles/
%
Tonks: Remus, I swear, I have no idea how those dog hairs got there...

Remus: Are you fucking Sirius?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc6zzf/tonks_remus_i_swear_i_have_no_idea_how_those_dog/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house
?: Knock knock
You: Who's there?
?: The chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc6whr/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
My mom's pro choice. Her sister is anti-abortion

It's a terrible nickname, but she's had four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc6qxk/my_moms_pro_choice_her_sister_is_antiabortion/
%
Never hike with a homophobe

Two friends are hiking in the woods. They stop to urinate when a poisonous snake springs out of a bush and sinks its fangs into the unlucky one's manhood. He falls to the ground writhing in pain while his friend pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.
"My friend was bitten by a snake! What should I do?", he asks the call taker.
They reply, "You're going to have to make some small incisions on the puncture wounds and suck the poison out with your mouth"
"I see", says the friend and ends the call.
"What did they say?", asks the injured hiker.
"You're going to die"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc6n67/never_hike_with_a_homophobe/
%
I stopped at a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said....

Once upon a time there was this lobster....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc6hjd/i_stopped_at_a_roadside_stand_that_said_lobster/
%
Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women go home, see what’s in the fridge, and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in the bed, and goes to the fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc6f5w/why_are_married_women_heavier_than_single_women/
%
What's the stupidest element on the periodic table?

Silicon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc6evb/whats_the_stupidest_element_on_the_periodic_table/
%
Why is incest a bad thing?

Haven't we all been inside our mothers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc6bin/why_is_incest_a_bad_thing/
%
America is really tackling its obesity problem

They are teaching kids in school to outrun bullets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc696u/america_is_really_tackling_its_obesity_problem/
%
I accidentally called a dwarf by the wrong name.

He wasn’t Happy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc68nd/i_accidentally_called_a_dwarf_by_the_wrong_name/
%
How do Germans sneeze?

Achtung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc5xfc/how_do_germans_sneeze/
%
A blonde once owned a big, beautiful garden

Since there were so many flowers, she hired a gardener to do all the watering, weeding etc., and the gardener did everything perfectly.
One day, she told the gardener to water the plants. Once the gardener went to the garden, it suddenly rained. Knowing that his work wouldn't be needed that day, the gardener reported back to the blonde.
"Oh! You're so quick!", remarked the blonde, "How did you manage to water the plants that fast?!"
"Well ma'am," responded the gardener, "I didn't water the plants today."
"Wha-", gasped the blonde, "But why?!"
"You see...", noted the gardener as he pointed to the garden, "it's raining now, so...."
"QUIT YOUR EXCUSES!", the blonde angrily retorted, "ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS USE AN UMBRELLA!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc5v5e/a_blonde_once_owned_a_big_beautiful_garden/
%
My doctor reckons I am paranoid

He didn't say it but I know what the cunt just be thinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc5scs/my_doctor_reckons_i_am_paranoid/
%
What do you call an Italian having sex?

Penne-tration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc5pja/what_do_you_call_an_italian_having_sex/
%
I could tell you that my constipation doesn’t bother me

But I’d be full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc5lle/i_could_tell_you_that_my_constipation_doesnt/
%
My wife just yelled at me because she says I never buy her flowers

I'm really confused because I didn't even know she **sold** flowers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc54y1/my_wife_just_yelled_at_me_because_she_says_i/
%
What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc54ga/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
Guess what I found in the creepy old professors closet

Narnia business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc50xj/guess_what_i_found_in_the_creepy_old_professors/
%
A man lied about his medical condition.

When he went to the x-ray operator, he was told that nothing is wrong with him.
Later that day someone asked him,"how did you know?"
The operator replied,"I could see right through him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc50rb/a_man_lied_about_his_medical_condition/
%
My girlfriend said she was staring at her computer screen not knowing what to write.

I told her she must be literary exhausted.
[This actually happened. I laughed for 20 minutes :(. ]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc4zlg/my_girlfriend_said_she_was_staring_at_her/
%
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc4wrq/my_wife_says_if_this_post_gets_over_1000_upvotes/
%
Used to have this drama teacher who always said “raising your hand was a waste of time”

He was hands down the weirdest teacher I’ve ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc4wi7/used_to_have_this_drama_teacher_who_always_said/
%
Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?

Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc4w74/guest_to_the_waiter_can_you_bring_me_what_the/
%
What's worse luck than breaking a mirror?

A Condom, that one might just get you for 18 years or more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc4ugs/whats_worse_luck_than_breaking_a_mirror/
%
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc4tsw/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
%
Why should you always knock before entering the Hamburger Helper Mascot’s room?

He might beef stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc4t9t/why_should_you_always_knock_before_entering_the/
%
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says " Uno , dos ," *poof*.

He disappears without a Tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc4s8y/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
%
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you

You have my Word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc4qn4/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i/
%
If you haven't bought a gun yet, you should get one

Because you'll never know when you'll be in a dark alley, and you're gonna need some money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc4m11/if_you_havent_bought_a_gun_yet_you_should_get_one/
%
My stuttering grandpa died in prison today...

He couldn't finish his sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc4l9z/my_stuttering_grandpa_died_in_prison_today/
%
There’s a married couple, Nancy and Dave, at a dinner party talking to a friend about their pregnancy

Friend: You look great, you’re glowing!
Nancy: Thank you! I really put the Nancy in pregnancy
Dave: And I really put the pregnancy in Nancy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc4hvl/theres_a_married_couple_nancy_and_dave_at_a/
%
What’s the difference between a fly and a bird?

A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc4ce8/whats_the_difference_between_a_fly_and_a_bird/
%
The air compressor at the gas station used to be a quarter, now it's a dollar.

That's the cost of inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc4b0f/the_air_compressor_at_the_gas_station_used_to_be/
%
Hold a door for a lady and you are called a Gentleman.

Hold a revolving door and people will call you an Asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc49do/hold_a_door_for_a_lady_and_you_are_called_a/
%
Bikers were riding west on when they saw a girl about to jump off a Bridge.

They stopped and George, the leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "insensitive" George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper. He then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed..
(sorry if this has been posted before.. Made me chuckle over my breakfast this morning)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc46uh/bikers_were_riding_west_on_when_they_saw_a_girl/
%
I got called a peadophile today

Im 39 and my girlfriends 19, we are not bothered about the age gap but it’s horrible when your in a restaurant and someone called you a ‘peado’ and a child groomer when your trying to enjoy your meal.
Completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc46ba/i_got_called_a_peadophile_today/
%
Why did the stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

He couldn't find the droid he was looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc3w14/why_did_the_stormtrooper_buy_an_iphone/
%
Farming vegetables can get hectic at times,

lettuce romaine calm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc3uqq/farming_vegetables_can_get_hectic_at_times/
%
Where's the best place to hide from a doctor?

An apple orchard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc3q4n/wheres_the_best_place_to_hide_from_a_doctor/
%
What’s better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc3ogq/whats_better_than_eating_a_mandarin/
%
A half dozen transexual magicians are touring the American South.

Six chicks with dicks play card tricks for a mix of hicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc3n9y/a_half_dozen_transexual_magicians_are_touring_the/
%
Why is reading research on electromagnetic radiation so easy?

Because it’s a pretty light subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc3m99/why_is_reading_research_on_electromagnetic/
%
How does a narcoleptic swimmer keep from drowning?

With a snorekel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc3hbj/how_does_a_narcoleptic_swimmer_keep_from_drowning/
%
A guy with a Gun enters a bar

“Who the hell had sex with my wife?” He snarled
A voice was heard in the background, “You don’t have enough bullets mate!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc3gcz/a_guy_with_a_gun_enters_a_bar/
%
Yesterday, an old man came and told me that the fact I am homosexual was againts nature.

I simply replied: “So is your pacemaker”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc3aip/yesterday_an_old_man_came_and_told_me_that_the/
%
The cashier got my wife with this at the store just now then she got me at home with it. It only works verbally, but I wanted to share.

Cashier: Did you hear about the famous actress that stabbed her husband today?
wife: No who?
Cashier: Reese...um...
Wife: Witherspoon?
Cashier: No, with her knife!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc3adj/the_cashier_got_my_wife_with_this_at_the_store/
%
Saw this girl in math class and said

Hey girl you might be a little obtuse, but at the right angle you kind of acute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc37c4/saw_this_girl_in_math_class_and_said/
%
We are all affected by gravity. What you get if it was removed?

Gravy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc365q/we_are_all_affected_by_gravity_what_you_get_if_it/
%
Teamster goes to a whorehouse...

First one he visits, he asks the Madam:
T: is this a unionized whorehouse?
Madam: NO
T: What's the breakdown between house and the girl?
M: 70/30
T: Nah, that's not fair. *Leaves, goes to another whorehouse*
Second whorehouse, same questioning:
T: ?
M: 60/40
T: That's better, but still shit. I'm out.
Third whorehouse:
T: Are you unionized?
M: Sure we are, hon!
T: What's the breakdown between house/girl?
M: 20/80
T: Now, that's what I'm talking about! Allright, let me take that hot girl on the left to one of your rooms!
M: So sorry, but you have to take that old fat lady on the right, sir.
T: But why?
M: Hey, Seniority rules!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc33ed/teamster_goes_to_a_whorehouse/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc2zyq/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_could_have_a/
%
A vampire was giving a presentation at a career fair.

The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.
When questioned, he said, "There's something about cleaning a mirror that just speaks to me. Not only can you see your progress as you go, I just know I'm helping someone see their true selves, for better or worse. I'm as surprised as you are, it's not a job I could ever see myself doing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc2yo2/a_vampire_was_giving_a_presentation_at_a_career/
%
A man works at a paper company

His job was to design a new kind of paper that won't rip apart when you need a paper to last. He spent months working on his newest design, and the day his boss was supposed to come by to see his progress, he was full of hope.
His boss comes to his office, grabs the stack of paper that the man had been working on, and holds the first piece on either side. He pulls and after a bit of give, the paper starts to come apart down the middle.
His boss looks at him with a frown, "This is tear-able"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc2ve5/a_man_works_at_a_paper_company/
%
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his very young mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Alabama, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc2re2/three_dead_bodies_turn_up_at_the_mortuary_all/
%
People say Canada's Prime Minister is a joke

I can't disagree, so to that I say, "that's true doe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc2jy9/people_say_canadas_prime_minister_is_a_joke/
%
"Hey, I'm calling you on the freeway from my new phone."

"Be careful. They just said on the radio that there's one nut driving on the wrong side of the freeway."
"ONE nut?! Hell, there's HUNDREDS of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc2gpu/hey_im_calling_you_on_the_freeway_from_my_new/
%
A man fell into a river in Oregon a week ago and was eaten alive by beavers

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc2few/a_man_fell_into_a_river_in_oregon_a_week_ago_and/
%
I have a very debilitating issue the doctors are calling “Irish constipation”

I can’t pass a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc2etj/i_have_a_very_debilitating_issue_the_doctors_are/
%
Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response-ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc2cc1/why_is_spiderman_so_good_at_comebacks/
%
I've said it before and I'll say it again.

It.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc28f5/ive_said_it_before_and_ill_say_it_again/
%
I was going to tell a gay joke

Butt fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc28cc/i_was_going_to_tell_a_gay_joke/
%
Does it bother you when I talk to myself?

Oh, sorry wasn’t talking to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc287q/does_it_bother_you_when_i_talk_to_myself/
%
My teacher had a fat ass but it was the only thing to masturbate to.

Homeschooling sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc27w9/my_teacher_had_a_fat_ass_but_it_was_the_only/
%
I’m thinking of pursuing a career as a crowd estimator.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc1vui/im_thinking_of_pursuing_a_career_as_a_crowd/
%
What's the difference between a crackhead and a tweaker?

A crackhead will steal your shit.  A tweaker will steal your shit and help you look for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc1tlr/whats_the_difference_between_a_crackhead_and_a/
%
Jokes about gay men aren't funny.

Cum on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc1tkj/jokes_about_gay_men_arent_funny/
%
A young man joined up with a lumberjack camp

On his first day at the camp, one of the old hands was showing him the ropes:  when to eat, where to pull timber, all the little details he needed to know to do his job.  At the end of the impromptu lesson, the old hand asked the young man whether he had any questions.
"Just one," said the young man.  "What do you do for entertainment?"
"Oh, we have sing-alongs and tall tale nights every so often.  That depends on what you find entertaining."
"No, no," said the young man, "What do you do when you want a woman?"
"Ahhh, okay.  I figured you'd ask about that sooner or later.  Well, when the urge comes, there's always George the cook."
The young man was a bit indignant.  "Hey, now!" he said.  "I don't go in for that kind of thing."
The old hand smiled wryly, "You say that now, but you'll come around."
Things were fine for about six weeks.  The young man was doing well in his job.  But then the urges took over, and he approached the old hand.  "Hey, can you set me up with George the cook?"
"I knew you'd come around," said the old hand.  "Sure, I'll set it up."
"I don't want anyone else to know about this, though."
"Of course," said the old hand.  "I'll be very discreet.  Only the 6 of us will know."
"Six?" asked the young man, quite surprised.
The old hand said, "Well, there's you and me.  And George the cook, of course.  And then there's the three guys to hold him down.  You see, George doesn't go in for that kind of thing, either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc1t0p/a_young_man_joined_up_with_a_lumberjack_camp/
%
A thief breaks into a Scotsman's house in the middle of the night...

It wakes the old man, who comes down in his night gown and cap. He calls out to the darkness,
"Oi! Who's there? Who's in ma hoose?"
"It's me," the thief replies, "I'm lookin' for some money."
The old man pauses for a moment. He then talks back, "Hold on. I'll grab a torch, and we'll look together!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc1qmw/a_thief_breaks_into_a_scotsmans_house_in_the/
%
A clown's protege...

Has some big shoes to fill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc1oy8/a_clowns_protege/
%
Little Tommy was asked what he thinks heaven is like. He says, “I think everyone would be children constantly playing around and wresting with each other. There’d be no adults to tell us to stop or get us in trouble.”

The priest responds, “sounds like heaven to me too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc1kwj/little_tommy_was_asked_what_he_thinks_heaven_is/
%
My friend has an unhealthy obsession with Navy destroyers.

He warships them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc1gok/my_friend_has_an_unhealthy_obsession_with_navy/
%
What do you call something that is often frequently taken but is not wanted most of the time?

Tests

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc1cpc/what_do_you_call_something_that_is_often/
%
If you saw an assassin running towards the president...

Would you say "Donald Duck"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc1bs5/if_you_saw_an_assassin_running_towards_the/
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I went to the doctor today.

He asked me for my stool sample, so I pulled a small chair out of my bag. He yelled at me for wasting his time, and stormed out of the room.
I go home.
Still don’t know why I’m shitting furniture.
My nightmare continues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc18xx/i_went_to_the_doctor_today/
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What’s the definition of a will?

Come on guys, it’s a dead give away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc16aw/whats_the_definition_of_a_will/
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I just discovered I have a logic fetish....

I can't stop coming to conclusions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc0zsk/i_just_discovered_i_have_a_logic_fetish/
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I just quit my job to focus on prospecting for gold

I'm just waiting to see how things pan out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc0yd8/i_just_quit_my_job_to_focus_on_prospecting_for/
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I plotted all of my past relationships on a graph...

It has a “why” axis and an “ex” axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc0rgy/i_plotted_all_of_my_past_relationships_on_a_graph/
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My friend asked me if I wanted to steal someone's tea

I replied, "you can, it's not really my cup of tea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc0j8l/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_steal_someones/
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There’s a contest on who can be the first to get a cow to smoke weed.

It’s pretty high steaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc00it/theres_a_contest_on_who_can_be_the_first_to_get_a/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexia Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dc001o/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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A blonde gets on a flight going from Barcelona back to London..

She gets on the plane and immediately sits in first class. The cabin crew explain to her that she doesn't have a ticket for first class but she refuses to move.
One cabin crew member tells the captain about the situation, the captain says "Ah, my wife is a blonde. Let me speak to her"
He goes to the blonde and whispers in her ear, immediately she gets up and sits at the back of the plane in economy class.
"That's amazing" say the cabin crew "what did you say to her?"
"I just told her this half of the plane doesn't go to London"
My fiance told me this joke earlier and I felt I had to share!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbzziv/a_blonde_gets_on_a_flight_going_from_barcelona/
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Hey girl are you a joke on r/jokes?

Because I swear I've seen you before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbzp9a/hey_girl_are_you_a_joke_on_rjokes/
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You can't run through a camp site.

You can only ran because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbzp4i/you_cant_run_through_a_camp_site/
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Little boy and the alphabet..

Little boy is in class, and needs the bathroom, he puts his hand up to ask the teacher.
LB: Please may I go to the toilet?
T: Not until you recite the alphabet for me.
LB: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z
T: Where's the P?
LB: Running down my leg, miss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbzmz4/little_boy_and_the_alphabet/
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The elephantine Russian emperor held an open air market for strange wooden dowels.

It was Tsar Babar's bizarre bar bazaar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbzl9e/the_elephantine_russian_emperor_held_an_open_air/
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Warning 18+ [NSFW]

19

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbzi2z/warning_18_nsfw/
%
A man was walking home past a cemetary in the middle of the night.

when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping...
clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man SCREAMS and reaches for something heavy, anything .. his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the apparition... and...
the coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbzggd/a_man_was_walking_home_past_a_cemetary_in_the/
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Son: Dad, how does a sundial work?

Dad:(hands son his phone) Now call your mother.
Son: Why don't you just do it?
Dad: That would be a DadDial!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbzfes/son_dad_how_does_a_sundial_work/
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What do you call a low budget circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbz7ak/what_do_you_call_a_low_budget_circumcision/
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It's difficult to say what my wife does.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbyze8/its_difficult_to_say_what_my_wife_does/
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A man bursts into a bar with a revolver and shouts "Who's been banging my wife?"

A voice in the room shouts "You're going to need more bullets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbywu1/a_man_bursts_into_a_bar_with_a_revolver_and/
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Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"

Dracula: You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Son: They do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* They do the monster mash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbytep/dracula_decided_it_was_time_to_give_his_son_the/
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Husband says to his Wife.

Tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad at the same time:
Wife says, you have A bigger Dick than any of your Brothers:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbynql/husband_says_to_his_wife/
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What do you call a Jewish Knight?

Sir Cumcision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbya9z/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_knight/
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I recently heard that you can get salmonella from eating raw meats

Guess I gotta quit cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbxoz4/i_recently_heard_that_you_can_get_salmonella_from/
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Boris Johnson walks into a pub...

Boris Johnson walks into a pub and asks for a pint. The barman draws it & throws it into his face. 'Why did you do that?' 'You asked for a pint, but you didn't say how you wanted it delivered.' Boris: ‘I'll have a pint in a pint glass.' 'No. You can't ask again.' 'Why not?' 'Democracy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbxkxw/boris_johnson_walks_into_a_pub/
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Totos is wondering why he failed the test since he answered all questions correct:

1. In which battle did Leonidas die?
\- His last one.
2. Where did the Declaration of Independence was signed?
\- At the bottom of the page.
3. If you throw a stone in the lake, what will happen?
\- It will get wet.
4. How can someone live 8 days without sleep?
\- No problem. He will be sleeping at nights.
5. If you have 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand and 4 apples and 3 oranges in the other, what do you have?
\- Very big hands.
6. If it takes 10 hours for 8 men to build a wall, how much time will 4 men need to build it?
\- Zero time, because it's already built.
7. How can you throw an egg on a cement floor without breaking it?
\- Anyway you like, cement floors don't break.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbxb8k/totos_is_wondering_why_he_failed_the_test_since/
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Why is a vegan bad to date?

They don't like having meat in their mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbxb6r/why_is_a_vegan_bad_to_date/
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What do you call a legal guardian who switched gender?

transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbxar7/what_do_you_call_a_legal_guardian_who_switched/
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Me: You know, sometimes abbreviating names can be confusing.

GF: You think so?
Me: Definitely.
George Foreman: That’s interesting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbx9kc/me_you_know_sometimes_abbreviating_names_can_be/
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My pet rock has a receding hairline

He’s a little boulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbx7n6/my_pet_rock_has_a_receding_hairline/
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It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbx414/its_a_five_minute_walk_from_my_house_to_the_pub/
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Why can't ewoks yell in the house?

Because they have to use their Endor voices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbx2ra/why_cant_ewoks_yell_in_the_house/
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In honour of International Coffee day. I like my women like I my coffee.

Cheap, artificially sweet and called Joe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbx14z/in_honour_of_international_coffee_day_i_like_my/
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Why didn't the Mexican archer fire his bow?

He didn't habanero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbx0rk/why_didnt_the_mexican_archer_fire_his_bow/
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My new girlfriend loves bees.

She's a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbx0rl/my_new_girlfriend_loves_bees/
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Hey girl are you today’s date

Cause you lookin like a 1/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbwzud/hey_girl_are_you_todays_date/
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Women only call me ugly until they see how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbwsup/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_see_how_much/
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Why do they ask "paper or plastic" at the grocery?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbwst2/why_do_they_ask_paper_or_plastic_at_the_grocery/
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How can you tell if a blonde girl tried to kill herself in your bathroom?

You see bullets holes in the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbwl8r/how_can_you_tell_if_a_blonde_girl_tried_to_kill/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong socks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbwhpd/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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What gets wet as it dries?

A woman with a blow-dryer fetish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbvmv8/what_gets_wet_as_it_dries/
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Never trust an atom.

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbveoh/never_trust_an_atom/
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What did Justin Trudeau say to a black guy?

"You must tell me who does your makeup, its really well done!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbv48o/what_did_justin_trudeau_say_to_a_black_guy/
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Alabama Starbucks have released a new drink this month

Pump Kin Latte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbv446/alabama_starbucks_have_released_a_new_drink_this/
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A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "What can I get you Mr. President.?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbv40m/a_russian_spy_a_sexual_predator_and_a_billionaire/
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How do you call a Mexican boyband?

Juan Direction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbv1gd/how_do_you_call_a_mexican_boyband/
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Scientists have discovered a plant so deadly that even standing under it will soon kill you

It's known as the water lily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbutbi/scientists_have_discovered_a_plant_so_deadly_that/
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(NSFW) Growing up I was told that masturbation couldn't give diseases

But I guess that's not true because my computer shut down from viruses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbus7s/nsfw_growing_up_i_was_told_that_masturbation/
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Never get a Brazilian wax

It's a total rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbup7n/never_get_a_brazilian_wax/
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What do you call the news you’ve already read?

The knews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbulou/what_do_you_call_the_news_youve_already_read/
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A person goes for a job interview

The interviewer says: "your resume lists just a single employer?"
The person says: "yes, I was a switchman for the railroad. I got fired when I forgot to switch the tracks and two passenger trains collided."
The interviewer says: "OMG, you had *one* job!"
The person says: "yes, for the railroad. We've been over this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbug8x/a_person_goes_for_a_job_interview/
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What's Forrest Gump's password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbudsz/whats_forrest_gumps_password/
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I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious…

She started asking me to move out with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbuc2l/ive_been_dating_a_homeless_woman_recently_and_i/
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A man walks into a zoo.

The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbubya/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo/
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A young farmer is being taught by an old hand how to take care of the animals. Today he's showing him how to shoe a horse

Halfway through the old man asks:
"So, have you ever shoed a horse before"
And the young farmer says:
"No, but I once told a cow to f@&$ off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbu6bg/a_young_farmer_is_being_taught_by_an_old_hand_how/
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My girlfriend has started a livestream show where she does basic arithmetic while wearing lingerie.

It's "The Thot That Counts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbu4b9/my_girlfriend_has_started_a_livestream_show_where/
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I met Darth Vader’s wife at the mall yesterday.

Nice gal, her names’s Ella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbtxqa/i_met_darth_vaders_wife_at_the_mall_yesterday/
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What do you call a ghost with his own spooking company?

A hauntrepreneur!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbtsug/what_do_you_call_a_ghost_with_his_own_spooking/
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Interviewer: "Why did you leave your last job?"

Me: "The company moved."
Interviewer: "Where to?"
Me: "They didn't tell me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbtmsm/interviewer_why_did_you_leave_your_last_job/
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My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbtlko/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_vacation/
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Efficient hitmen are often very friendly and supportive.

They leave nobody behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbtak0/efficient_hitmen_are_often_very_friendly_and/
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Peters first date with Meg was going well...

As they sat in Peters car on a remote country road,Meg made an announcment,"I'm actually a prostitute,and if you want any action it will cost you 50.00."
"Well,"Peter shot back."I'm actually a cab driver,and if you want a ride back into the city it will cost you 100.00."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbt9nw/peters_first_date_with_meg_was_going_well/
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My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbt7hj/my_tinder_profile_says_im_6_feet_2_inches_and_195/
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The little bunny.

A little bunny hops into town, hops into the bakery, hops up to the baker and asks, "Do you have any cookies with fish in them?" "No," said the baker, "but I have some wonderful oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies." "No thanks!" said the bunny, and he hops out of town.
The next day the little bunny hops into town, hops into the bakery, hops up to the baker and asks, "Do you have any cookies with fish in them?" "No," said the baker, "but I have some wonderful snickerdoodles and cookies with macadamia nuts in them." "No thanks!" said the bunny, and he hops out of town.
So the baker decided to make some cookies with fish in them.
And sure enough the next day...the little bunny hops into town, hops into the bakery, hops up to the baker and asks, "Do you have any cookies with fish in them?" "Why yes I do." said the baker.
"Well who you going to sell those to?" said the bunny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbt5cl/the_little_bunny/
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A man walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and orders a shot of whisky. While his drink is being poured, the man spots a jar of ten dollar bills sitting by the peanuts labeled, “bar challenge”.
Curious, the man asked the bartender what was up with that.
“That there is the current jackpot for this months bar challenge, put in ten dollars, complete three tasks and the entire jar is yours!”
The man is taken aback and thinks to himself for a moment.
Whiskey man shoots back his drink and says, “Screw it, here’s ten bucks. What do I have to do?”
“Well” the bartender says with a large grin, “First, you have to down this entire bottle of tequila”.
The man, without thinking, grabs the bottle and downs it in under twenty seconds.
“Impressive, the second task requires you to go behind the bar and remove the infected tooth from my dogs mouth”.
The man pondered on that for a moment but quickly asked him for the third task.
“The last task is the hardest. There is a 96 year old lady who has lived above this building for 70 years and frequently talk to us about how she hasn’t been pleased by a man in over 50 years! Your last task will be pleasing this woman one last time before she goes.”
The man sat back in his seat and couldn’t believe what he had just heard.
He sat quietly for a minute.
“Fuck it” said the man.
He stormed outside and the bar was filled with sounds of the mans screams. You can hear the clothes being ripped from the man when suddenly everything goes dead silent.
The man walks through the bar door, cuts and bite marks cover him head to toe and his clothes are in ruin.
The bartender asks if he’s okay and the man responds,
“Yeah man, I did it. Now, where’s the old lady with a toothache”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbt241/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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More pearly gates.............

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they are the most perfect breasts God ever created."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbsyjc/more_pearly_gates/
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Why is Joe Biden not behind Greta Thunberg?

Because her security detail is doing their job right.
(shamelessly stolen from some subreddit I forget while I was high)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbsyir/why_is_joe_biden_not_behind_greta_thunberg/
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Jokes about a women's menstrual cycle just aren't funny

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbsxre/jokes_about_a_womens_menstrual_cycle_just_arent/
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A rabbit crosses an intersection and gets hit by a car,killing it instantly...

An animal lover,concerned about the well being of the rabbit,gets out of her car and rushes over to the rabbit,takes it's pulse,and immediately grabs a can  out of her purse.She sprays it on the rabbit and instantly the recent roadkill jumps back to life,hops three times and waves,hops three times and waves,hops three times and waves.This continued till the rabbit went into the safe surrounding of the forest beyond.A curious onlooker went to the can to see what miracle the lady used to revive the little guy.It was hairspray that read as follows:Gives life to dead hair and a permanent bounce and wave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbsxgm/a_rabbit_crosses_an_intersection_and_gets_hit_by/
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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of ...his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbswzl/the_navy_found_they_had_too_many_officers_and/
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The teacher wrote on the blackboard:

"I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbsv21/the_teacher_wrote_on_the_blackboard/
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My girlfriend claims I can’t carry on claiming to have French-Italian heritage when people ask me where I’m from.

Corsican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbstne/my_girlfriend_claims_i_cant_carry_on_claiming_to/
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I started a successful boat-building business in the attic of my house.

Sails are going through the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbstee/i_started_a_successful_boatbuilding_business_in/
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A guy walks into a bar with a block of asphalt.

"Give me 2 beers, one for myself, and one for the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbsl4d/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_block_of_asphalt/
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What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?

Sir Ramic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbs9r9/what_do_you_call_a_knight_made_entirely_out_of/
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Are you a cactus?

Because you're a prick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbs7m3/are_you_a_cactus/
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A Redditor went to a bar

Haha I’m just kidding we all are introverts who can’t socialize let’s be honest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbs5wc/a_redditor_went_to_a_bar/
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Three logicians walk into a bar

The bartender asks: ”All of you want a beer?”
The first logician answers: ”I don’t know.”
The second logician answers: ”I don’t know.”
The third logician answers: ”Yup.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbs5i8/three_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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I threw my wife a surprise Bukkake party

Everyone came. You should have seen her face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbs4wt/i_threw_my_wife_a_surprise_bukkake_party/
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Why are Americans so stupid?

Because it's only the ones who skip school who survive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbs3m4/why_are_americans_so_stupid/
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I had to take the batteries out of my Carbonoxide Detector

The constant beeping was making me feel sick and dizzy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbs2zv/i_had_to_take_the_batteries_out_of_my_carbonoxide/
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My friend said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing!”

I said, “Thanks. Those are called pants, not a ass shirt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbs0x1/my_friend_said_thats_a_niceass_shirt_you_are/
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My mate with a really bad stutter

told us a story about his Nan the other day.
By the time he'd finished we were all singing Hey Jude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbs057/my_mate_with_a_really_bad_stutter/
%
Whenever I used to feel sad for any failure, my dad would tell me..

"Don't worry son, keep trying. Sky is the limit for you."
I will never forgive the old man for ruining my chances of becoming an astronaut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbrutg/whenever_i_used_to_feel_sad_for_any_failure_my/
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Kid tricks the teacher badly

A teacher asks her class “If there’s 14 crows sitting on a fence, and you shoot 2 off, how many crows are left on the fence?” One little boy says, “None, the sound of the shotgun scared them all away.” The teacher says, “Thats not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you’re thinking!” The little boy then says “I have a question for you. There’s 3 women eating Ice cream cones. 1 Woman is licking, another woman is sucking, and the 3rd woman is biting the ice cream. Which one of the ladies is married?” The teacher answers, slightly embarrassed, “I would imagine it’s the one sucking?” The boy says, “No, it’s the one with a wedding ring, but I like the way you’re thinking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbrnkk/kid_tricks_the_teacher_badly/
%
Sinks can't open doors...

Let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbrhox/sinks_cant_open_doors/
%
You never see elephants hiding in trees

I guess they must be really good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbrc05/you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?

Because there’s a new issue with you every single day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbr91o/hey_girl_are_you_a_newspaper/
%
The Boss asks his secretary for some paper

Secretary: A4 paper right?
Boss: No, A for apple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbr8fg/the_boss_asks_his_secretary_for_some_paper/
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What do you say to a blacksmith who's angry about breaking his sword

Ooh, temper temper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbr405/what_do_you_say_to_a_blacksmith_whos_angry_about/
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Husabnd and wife

A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”
The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbr3ak/husabnd_and_wife/
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An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.
The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.
His feet feel refreshed!
The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, like an alleyway out of Florence in the 1500s, but made out of clay stones.
He sees two gentlemen working on fixing a small crack in the street, the only blemish for blocks.
One of them is pounding down the clay with a wide-head sledgehammer, thwap thwap!
The other is on his knees with a compass and a pick and a broom, adjusting the grade of the street material.
He interrupts them to say, "Excuse me gentlemen! I hate to be a bother, but I just want to applaud your hard work on this alleyway. It's rare a city takes such good care with its streets and this one is one of the best."
The man with the sledge stops and says, "Well, we appreciate that sir. You know your streets, it seems! Would it surprise you to know that the composition of this street is not adobe? It's mulched with our native nut trees, the cashew nut. That's what gives it its softness. When it rains, the petrichor has a slight sweetness due to the cashew, and the town smells fantastic. I'm just hammering it down before it gets too cold."
"Well, I'll be!" cried the archaeologist. "And what's that fellow up to?" pointing to the man on his knees.
"Oh him! He's in charge of checking the grade of the clay. If it's too rough, he picks and sweeps it. Backbreaking work. We hire four of them, one for each season. And since autumn just arrived, he's got a few months yet. So you see..."
And here the man paused...
"So you see...my hammered alley is really 'cashews clay'. And he is the gradist."
.
.
"The gradist...of fall time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbr132/an_archaeologist_is_visiting_a_small_town_in/
%
Two crocodiles sitting at the side of the river.

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Pretoria.
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase,,,,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbqwmh/two_crocodiles_sitting_at_the_side_of_the_river/
%
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people....

Pun in, ten dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbqoel/pun_enters_a_room_kills_10_people/
%
The average stripper weighs 112lbs

According to one pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbqhd4/the_average_stripper_weighs_112lbs/
%
Pain in the ass

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbqfod/pain_in_the_ass/
%
Some say chess is better than sex

I say it depends on the position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbq7od/some_say_chess_is_better_than_sex/
%
Yo mama so fat

She put on a pair of BVDs and it spelled boulevard. I'm sorry. I know yo mama jokes are old. But not as old as yo mama!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbq4rs/yo_mama_so_fat/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye Matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbps80/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80_years/
%
How do you tell if someones vegan?

They'll tell YOU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbpotr/how_do_you_tell_if_someones_vegan/
%
Where do Soviet nerds gather?

At Commie-Con

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbpo5x/where_do_soviet_nerds_gather/
%
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbpm9h/whats_the_leading_cause_of_dry_skin/
%
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your badge!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbplcf/a_dea_officer_stopped_at_our_farm_yesterday_he/
%
I had a dream last night that I had a Magnesium deficiency.....

...I was like 0Mg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbpee7/i_had_a_dream_last_night_that_i_had_a_magnesium/
%
Why is sex the opposite of banking?

Once you make a deposit, there's no more interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbp95u/why_is_sex_the_opposite_of_banking/
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A man suddenly awakens remembering nothing of his past

Suddenly a genie exclaims: what is your third and final wish?
The man ponders for a minute before replying: I would like to remember that which I have forgotten.
The genie grins and states: interesting, that was also your first wish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbp8jt/a_man_suddenly_awakens_remembering_nothing_of_his/
%
What do sex and air have in common?

Neither one seems very important until you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbp6yu/what_do_sex_and_air_have_in_common/
%
1 + 1 = 3 if you don’t...

Use a condom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbp51k/1_1_3_if_you_dont/
%
If you’re a tattoo artist who gives free tattoos in exchange for being flashed

Are you then a believer of tit for tat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbozar/if_youre_a_tattoo_artist_who_gives_free_tattoos/
%
My friends said to stop singing Oasis songs in public...

I said MAYBEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dboqgg/my_friends_said_to_stop_singing_oasis_songs_in/
%
What do you call an excited fireplace?

Stoked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbooxd/what_do_you_call_an_excited_fireplace/
%
What kind of music is Sisyphus into?

Rock 'n' roll!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbonpa/what_kind_of_music_is_sisyphus_into/
%
What do skinny jeans and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbolxn/what_do_skinny_jeans_and_a_cheap_hotel_have_in/
%
What’s a French persons favourite gaming console?

A Nintendo Oui

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dboa02/whats_a_french_persons_favourite_gaming_console/
%
Tomorrow we have to wake Green Day up.

When September ends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbo1c3/tomorrow_we_have_to_wake_green_day_up/
%
How do you fix a broken pumpkin

With a pumpkin patch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbo0x5/how_do_you_fix_a_broken_pumpkin/
%
Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbnqnn/police_are_looking_for_a_man_selling_marijuana_to/
%
What’s the difference between a French wine and a Brazilian wine?

Not much but the Brazilian has better legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbnmbr/whats_the_difference_between_a_french_wine_and_a/
%
It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbnjex/its_depressing_to_hear_that_a_child_can_drown_in/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but you gotta wonder how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbna65/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
My girlfriend always yells at me when I let the cat out of the bag

"STOP PUTTING MY CAT IN BAGS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbms53/my_girlfriend_always_yells_at_me_when_i_let_the/
%
A Meteorologist working with the National Weather Service goes to his boss...

He says, “Boss, I need a transfer out of Florida. Please send me anywhere but Florida.”
The boss says, “Well, why’s that Bill? What’s wrong with Florida?”
The meteorologist says, “The weather in Florida just doesn’t agree with me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbmo47/a_meteorologist_working_with_the_national_weather/
%
What do you call a wrongly convicted painting?

Framed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbmn21/what_do_you_call_a_wrongly_convicted_painting/
%
knock knock

Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbmi2x/knock_knock/
%
What is the WiFi password?

[Me at a bar]
Me: What is the wifi password?
Bartender: you have to buy a drink first
Me: okay, one Coke please.
Bartender: is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure.
Bartender: That will be $3.
Me: Okey then, what's the wifi password?
Bartender: you have to buy a drink first. No spaces and all lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbmfgx/what_is_the_wifi_password/
%
You miss 100% of the shots that you don't take...

...and 100% of the shots that you do take.  You literally suck at everything you do.  Stop trying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbm85h/you_miss_100_of_the_shots_that_you_dont_take/
%
They say sex sells...

Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbm401/they_say_sex_sells/
%
Why don’t Jews have Jedi relatives?

No Force kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbm2df/why_dont_jews_have_jedi_relatives/
%
I heard that my old crossing guard was arrested a few days ago...

Apparently she's serving jail time for human trafficking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dblqn9/i_heard_that_my_old_crossing_guard_was_arrested_a/
%
Told my wife that I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dblcfn/told_my_wife_that_i_was_so_stressed_that_only_a/
%
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

On a plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dblbci/how_does_a_flat_earther_travel_the_world/
%
I told my girlfriend that sometimes she makes me feel like a kid again.

She asked why and I said
Because you touch me inappropriately when I'm pretending to be asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbl5ya/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_sometimes_she_makes_me/
%
Where do Russians buy their coffee from?

Tsarbucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbkynp/where_do_russians_buy_their_coffee_from/
%
Why do blind people never flush?

Because they can't see shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbkvag/why_do_blind_people_never_flush/
%
And the Lord told John: “Come forth and receive eternal life”

But John came fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbksud/and_the_lord_told_john_come_forth_and_receive/
%
I hate Anti-Vaxers

They make me sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbksg6/i_hate_antivaxers/
%
How do mountains see?

They don't, but the hills have eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbksan/how_do_mountains_see/
%
A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”

"Twelve dollars,” says the barber.
“And for a shave?”
“Ten dollars.”
“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbkprr/a_man_walks_into_a_barbershop_and_asks_how_much/
%
What’s the nicest thing to say after a break up with a girl from Alabama?

I hope we can still be cousins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbkewc/whats_the_nicest_thing_to_say_after_a_break_up/
%
I used to be indecisive

But now I am not sure anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbk90u/i_used_to_be_indecisive/
%
What does the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" mean?

It means you should go see a doctor​; you probably have osteoporosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbk587/what_does_the_saying_sticks_and_stones_may_break/
%
Religion is...

An excuse to piss on other people's beliefs you know nothing about while thinking your own weirdo beliefs are absolute truth without any sort of proof.
Good thing I'm an atheist so I'm above all that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbjw7q/religion_is/
%
I'm reading a horror novel in braille

Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbjv55/im_reading_a_horror_novel_in_braille/
%
I was walking in the park and I came upon this woman.

So she wiped it off and called the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbju4r/i_was_walking_in_the_park_and_i_came_upon_this/
%
Pavlov is drinking at a bar...

Pavlov is drinking at a bar when suddenly the phone rings. "Oh shit," he exclaims, "I forgot to feed the dogs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbjf9d/pavlov_is_drinking_at_a_bar/
%
The guy at the tuxedo store kept hovering around me, so I told him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbjdho/the_guy_at_the_tuxedo_store_kept_hovering_around/
%
A guy in Ancient Rome enters a bar.

He goes to the bartender and lifts his 2 fingers and say "Five wines please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbjbl1/a_guy_in_ancient_rome_enters_a_bar/
%
What did Darwin’s son tell his siblings?

You’re adapted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbj88x/what_did_darwins_son_tell_his_siblings/
%
An army recruit steps into his base for the first time

He he’s greeted by his Commanding Officer.
“Hey welcome to the base rookie as you can see we have just about everything pools, restrooms, weight rooms and more”.
The rookie looks him in the the eye.
“ So you have just about everything to fulfill all my needs”.
“Yeah just about”.
The rookie laughs to himself and asked the officer
“Ok so what do I do if I’m horny”.
The officer points to barrel out in the field and says.
“If you put your dick in the barrel hole you’ll have what are the best experiences in your life hell I’ll leave and give you 15 min right now”.
So 15 minutes past and the rookie walked up to the officer once again.
“That was Amazing can we do that everyday!”.
“ You can do it every day except Thursday”.
And the rookie replies “why not Thursday?”.
The Officer says “Well that’s your day in the barrel”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbj0te/an_army_recruit_steps_into_his_base_for_the_first/
%
Israel is not real.

Instead, it is rael.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbiy7x/israel_is_not_real/
%
The ice cream truck is going down the street

And a lady runs after it but it doesn't see her and keeps going. She keeps following until the driver sees her in his mirror. He stops and shes out of breath
Truck driver: “hey, sorry about that, I didn't see you, what can I get you? “
Out of breath she says “I just wanted to tell you...I'm vegan”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbip38/the_ice_cream_truck_is_going_down_the_street/
%
What was Icarus’ least favorite food?

Hot wings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbica0/what_was_icarus_least_favorite_food/
%
What language is spoken least in the world?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbhx14/what_language_is_spoken_least_in_the_world/
%
What's the best way to carry big carved logs?

Totem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbhj8y/whats_the_best_way_to_carry_big_carved_logs/
%
What do you call a plant that changed genders?

A transplant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbhbbv/what_do_you_call_a_plant_that_changed_genders/
%
Why can't women be writers?

They're afraid of periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbh944/why_cant_women_be_writers/
%
Son: Dad, does every father know more than his son?

Dad: Of course.
Son: “So, who invented the electric bulb?”
Dad: “Thomas Edison.”
Son: “But why didn't Edison's father invent the electric bulb?”
Dad: “It was dark everywhere, he was busy inventing  Edison.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbh87c/son_dad_does_every_father_know_more_than_his_son/
%
3 jews are trying to escape Germany [OC I hope]

3 jews are trying to escape Germany during ww2, but they get lost and are unable to find the border.
While walking they see a gestapo officer.
"I'm going to ask him where the border is" says the first of the jews. The other 2 try to stop him but he won't listen and runs off to ask the officer.
The officer ends up stopping all 3 jews and interrogates them.
"Are all of you Jewish?" he asks
After some arguing they all say yes.
"Ashkenazi I assume?" he proceeds to say
"no sir" says the third jew, "only one of us is stupid enough to Ashkenazi anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbh3xh/3_jews_are_trying_to_escape_germany_oc_i_hope/
%
I walked up to a seven eleven cash register.

The cashier looked at me and said “strip down, facing me”. How the fuck am I supposed to know she was talking about my credit card

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbh2yp/i_walked_up_to_a_seven_eleven_cash_register/
%
Im really suspicious of Peruvian owls

I think they're Inca hoots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbgzyo/im_really_suspicious_of_peruvian_owls/
%
Properly prepared

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree.  He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground.  The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on" "Ok, got it." the homeowner replied.  "But whats that shotgun for?" "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbgxjq/properly_prepared/
%
A French, English, and American man go on a vacation together in the Amazon.

Will they’re on their trip, they’re hunted down and trapped by some scary natives. The men are scared and ask “Why are you doing this?”. The native chief responds, “ I plan on skinning you all and using your skin for cups!” The trapped men make a request to at least choose how they die. The chief likes this idea and let’s them choose. The English man chooses to kill him self by drinking poison. He said “Long live the queen!” And then dies. The French man decided to copy the English man and drinks poison as well. He says “Vive la France!” And dies. The American wants to be different and decides to stab himself with a fork. The natives question his decision, but they give him a make shift fork. The American says “GOOD LUCK MAKING A CUP OUT OF ME!” And stabs himself everywhere he can!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbgxd0/a_french_english_and_american_man_go_on_a/
%
The human body is designed to be mobile.

I guess it's because it's cellular

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbgr90/the_human_body_is_designed_to_be_mobile/
%
Why should you never break up with a goalie?

Because he is a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbgnrq/why_should_you_never_break_up_with_a_goalie/
%
A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup while his family was standing by in the waiting room.

During the checkup, the doctor asked the man if he was having any issues with wetting the bed at night.
The man responded, "No doc, no issues at all with that.  On the contrary, when I go to the bathroom, a fairy or something turns the light on when I open the door.  And after I finish going to the bathroom, the fairy or something turns the light off for me.  It's really wonderful!"
The doctor looked concerned and scribbled some notes about this and continued on with the checkup.
After the checkup, the doctor went out to the waiting room where one of the man's family members asked him how the check up went.
The doctor responded, "Well Ma'am, his checkup went okay.  Physically, he's as healthy as can be for a 90 year old.  But mentally, I'm worried he's coming down with dementia or something."
The lady, with a concerned look on her face asks, "Why do you say that?"
The doctor responded and said, "Well, during the checkup, he told me that when he goes to the restroom at night, a fairy or something turns on the light when he opens the door and that same fairy or something turns off the light for him when he finishes.  I'm just a little concered about his mental health."
The lady with a horrified look turns to the rest of the family and says, "Oh no,  Grand-papa's been pissing in the refrigerator again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbglj7/a_90_year_old_man_was_having_his_annual_checkup/
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A hurricane tore off a quarter of my roof.

oof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbgipz/a_hurricane_tore_off_a_quarter_of_my_roof/
%
My Hubby

Every time my hubby sees a Fire Exit he has to go and stand by it. I think he suffers from premature evacuation!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbghxw/my_hubby/
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Pregnancy means...

"Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbggsv/pregnancy_means/
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In medieval England, a soldier was going to war without any legguards and his dick sticking out

The commander asked:
"What is the meaning of this Henry?"
Henry replied:
"A wise man once told me,'penis mightier than sword'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbgg7u/in_medieval_england_a_soldier_was_going_to_war/
%
What do you call a lesbian with long nails?

Single.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbgb9v/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_with_long_nails/
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This guy walks into a barber shop

and says to the barber that he never got a good shave on his cheeks.
\- No problem, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from the drawer. Put this ball in your mouth and hold it between your gums and your cheek.
The guy conforms and he gets the finest shave ever, then he asks:
\- But what if I swallowed the ball?
\- No problem, you would have returned it the next day, just like every other client!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbg9j7/this_guy_walks_into_a_barber_shop/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbg78v/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbg0at/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges..

...my door's always open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbfxxc/hey_if_anyone_knows_how_to_fix_some_broken_hinges/
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The cops caught me having sex in public with a clock again

It looks like I'm doing time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbftsg/the_cops_caught_me_having_sex_in_public_with_a/
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A pickle walks into a casino and sits down at a card table

He says “Dill me in”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbftfa/a_pickle_walks_into_a_casino_and_sits_down_at_a/
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Girl, we’re just like Romeo and Juliet

Cuz my family hates you and I want to kill myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbfgdq/girl_were_just_like_romeo_and_juliet/
%
Saw an advert on the side of the Apple Store saying 'Apply Inside'

Well it's not going to be orangey is it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbfdfu/saw_an_advert_on_the_side_of_the_apple_store/
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A holocaust survivor goes to Heaven

When they meet God, they tell God a holocaust joke and God says, “That’s not funny”
“Well, I guess you had to be there”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbetop/a_holocaust_survivor_goes_to_heaven/
%
a man is having sex with his wife.

after they're done the man reveals that he didn't use protection.
"are you fucking kidding me?"
"yes. yes i am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dberyc/a_man_is_having_sex_with_his_wife/
%
Wanna hear a dirty joke...

Johnny is playing in the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke,
Johnny is taking a bath with Bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke,
Bubbles is the girl next door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbedbb/wanna_hear_a_dirty_joke/
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The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.
In the years he spent alone on the ship, he became adept at building small robots to help him complete his tasks. He formed relationships with the little bots, but he found he missed the companionship of real humans. He would take small stints in the cryogenic chambers in order to prolong his life, so as to complete his mission of getting his friends and family to their new home. He didn't want to wake anyone to take over his duties and suffer the loneliness of space travel. But a long life with no one real to talk to is lacking.
With his knowledge of robotics, he took it upon himself to build an artificial human. Something that looked real. Something that felt real. Something that would make the unbearable loneliness go away.
He didn’t feel right copying the likeness of any members of the sleeping crew, so he modeled the robot on himself. By the time he was done, there “he” was, a perfect replica of Jacques himself. He named the robot Jacques 2.0, because who else was there to get confused? And as he grew older, it would be easier to remember his own name, he figured.
Well, years passed as they are wont to do. He grew old and frail on the journey, but Jacques 2.0 remained young and spry, helping his creator to complete the tasks the old man’s bones could no longer handle.
As the old man lay dying, he asked his robotic companion to do him a favor. He wanted his remains to be scattered among the stars, the asteroids, and the comets they passed. He did not want to be buried on a planet he would never see, but instead live on in the vastness of space that had become his home. So when the day finally came, Jacques 2.0 sent his creator’s ashes out of the airlock and into the universe.
But the journey was not over. Jacques 2.0 carried on his creator’s duties for years and helped the crew arrive on their new home. As the ship grew close to the planet, the crew began to wake up. One by one they woke from their long sleep and travelled to the observation deck to see their new home. When they arrived, though, they found themselves in complete shock. There was Jacques, as lively and youthful as ever, waiting for them.
“How can this be?” They asked. “Surely, you would at the very least be an old, old man by now. It has been so long since we left Earth.”
Jacques 2.0 raised his hands slightly in a calming gesture and said, “Do not worry. I am here to send you a message of love and care from Jacques. I was created to help him complete his mission. I may look like him, but in truth, I am not him. For you see,” and with this he gestured towards the stars and space above their heads, “the real Jacques is in the comets.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbecob/the_caretaker_of_a_generation_ship_was_on_his/
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Short term memory loss

A doctor told his patient, “There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss.”
The patient said, “Oh no, Doctor. What’s the bad news?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbecb5/short_term_memory_loss/
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A knock knock joke on a cosmological scale

- Knock knock.
- W h o ’ s  t h e r e ?
- E  N  T  R  O  P  Y  .
- E         T    R         P    Y     w         o    ?
- e                                                                 n

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbdvjl/a_knock_knock_joke_on_a_cosmological_scale/
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What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbdrae/whats_the_difference_between_a_syrian/
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My wife is so negative...

I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbdp40/my_wife_is_so_negative/
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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate hand carved detailing. It was the kind of clock that makes one think "wow, what a fine clock that is."
But besides its incredible beauty, the grandfather clock was extremely valuable to the man for the heritage it represented. The clock had been in his family for generations, even surviving the trip from Germany in 1939 when his great grandparents fled the Nazis. So, you could imagine the man's utter dismay when the clock stopped working.
Well, it stopped half working I should say. The clock would continue to tik, but it would not tok.
The man's first thought was to contact his father. His father had owned the clock before him, and was a carpenter by trade, so the father was rather good with his hands. The father, distraught by the news that the family grandfather clock had stopped working, came over right away and began looking at the clock to figure out the issue.
"Well, here's your problem," the father said. "The clock can tik, but it won't tok."
"I know that, pa." The man said irritably. "Can you fix it?"
Unfortunately, the father could not. But the pair wouldn't give up there. The two contacted a local clock shop, who happened to employ a man who specialized in grandfather clocks. The father and son thought this would be perfect, and asked the shop to send the repairman over right away.
The repairman came over to the man's house and immediately set up examining the broken grandfather clock. He hmmed and hummed to himself for a while as he tinkered inside the clock.
"I believe the problem is that the clock can tik, but it cannot tok." The repairman said.
"We already know that!" The man and father said in unison. "Can you fix it?"
The repairman removed his hat rubbed the sweat from his brow. "I'm afraid this clock is beyond me. It's an advanced design from Germany, only the original designer and builder would have the skills to fix this."
The situation seemed hopeless. How were they to track down a man in Germany who had been building clocks since before the second world war? It was an impossible task, but the father and the son set out researching the clock and its origins.
After nearly a week, a breakthrough was made. As it turns out, the shop that had built the grandfather clock was still in business, owned by the man who had originally created their grandfather clock! They asked the German clocksmith if he would be willing to travel to take a look at their beloved clock.
"I would be honored to fix your clock," the German said. "It is not every day you get to see one of your original creations!"
So the German flew out to see the father and son and their old grandfather clock. The German arrived at their house, and upon seeing the grandfather clock his face lit up like he was 20 years younger.
"Oh my, she is beautiful!" He exclaimed. "You have certainly taken very good care of her. But, what seems to be the problem?"
"The clock can tik, but it cannot tok."
"Well now," the German said, turning towards the clock. "We have ways of making you tok."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbdnov/the_broken_grandfather_clock/
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I asked the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell but didn't know if it was there or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbdmgo/i_asked_the_librarian_for_a_book_on_pavlovs_dog/
%
Little Bob went to church with his mom

At some point, he started feeling dizzy and unwell. He turns to his mom and asks: "Mom, can we leave now?"
"No Bob", his mom replied curtly.
"I feel very bad, I think I'm going to throw up".
"Then get out, find a bush to vomit in and come back".
Bob gets up and leaves, then returns after a minute.
"Are you better?", his mom asks. "Yes", goes Bob.
"But how did you manage to go out, find a bush and come back so fast?"
"I didn't go out, I used a wooden box at the entrance with a sign "for the sick among our midst".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbdm24/little_bob_went_to_church_with_his_mom/
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What do you call a DJ who’s stopped breathing?

Off the air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbdhnf/what_do_you_call_a_dj_whos_stopped_breathing/
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Earthquake

During an earthquake, coffins double in function as human maracas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbde45/earthquake/
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I hate spelling errors...

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbd8ww/i_hate_spelling_errors/
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When I'm feeling down and someone says, "Suck it up," .....

I get the urge to break their legs, and say, "Walk it off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbd5zt/when_im_feeling_down_and_someone_says_suck_it_up/
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It was the first grader's last day of school

in spring and they had a exciting first school year behind them.
The teacher decided to ask the students what they were going to be when they grew up now that all the basic stuff was learned. Because most of the students were still shy, the teacher started from Jake, who seemed like a quick-witted kid.
Jake thought for a moment, and answered;
"Well, I'll probably become and economist, make hundreds of millions of dollars, get myself the perfect whore, give her a couple mills, buy her apartments from Paris and NYC. I'll get her a Ferrari, and anything else she might want, and just fuck her non-stop, all the time."
The teacher was completely abashed because she didn't expect this kind of answer. She didn't know whether to scold Jake or what she should do, so she decided to simply move on. "Well, what about you then, Kate?"
Kate, without hesitation answered; "I was first going to say veterinarian, but with this new prevalent information, I'm going to go with Jake's whore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbd5y8/it_was_the_first_graders_last_day_of_school/
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What do hitmen eat for dinner

Takeout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbd4yd/what_do_hitmen_eat_for_dinner/
%
When I was a young child I was blessed with an 8 inch penis.

Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Mallory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbd4bx/when_i_was_a_young_child_i_was_blessed_with_an_8/
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Which workers have the biggest dongs?

Meat packers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbd0ot/which_workers_have_the_biggest_dongs/
%
Need some help

So my friend and I have been trying to think of some vegetable jokes but are struggling.
If anyone has one please lettuce know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbcuwc/need_some_help/
%
I haven't had sex in so long...

I ran across the parking lot in flip flops just so I could remember the sound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbcu37/i_havent_had_sex_in_so_long/
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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain

Nobody ever expects the Spanish ink precision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbcnoq/people_always_ask_where_i_got_my_incredibly/
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Creation of the German-Japanese Alliance, 1940

Hirohito: Thank you for phone call Mr. Fuhrer. We ask you now: you said you Aryans?
Hitler: Ja! Ze superior race! We are invincible! We will abduct your inferior race for our experiments! With our advanced weaponry we will take over zis world!
Hirohito: Very well. No more question. Thank you. *hangs up*
Hirohito: We better do what they say. They really are Ariens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbchc5/creation_of_the_germanjapanese_alliance_1940/
%
I won the lottery

Once a guy ask his wife "what would you do If I won the lottery"? she said "I would take half and leave you" he said "GREAT, I won $12.00 heres $6.00 stay in touch..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbcbzm/i_won_the_lottery/
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What do you call a door to door bicycle salesman?

A Peddler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbc9gc/what_do_you_call_a_door_to_door_bicycle_salesman/
%
A bear walks into an ice cream shop

Ice cream man: What can i get for ya?
Bear: Hi, i'd like a scoop of the chocolate...
ICM:
Bear:
ICM:
Bear: Chip.
ICM: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what's with the pause?
Bear: \*waving paws in the air\* I'm a bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbc1op/a_bear_walks_into_an_ice_cream_shop/
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That escalated quickly

I was getting a handjob off my new girlfirned when i asked, "How are you so good at this?"
"Years of practice," she said.
"Bit of a player in your day were you?" I laughed.
"No," she replied, "my dad had no arms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbbuaq/that_escalated_quickly/
%
Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad:
"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"
He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see with my female colleague.
So the guy, curious, enters a large meeting room with a large meeting table. At the opposite side there is a really cute girl, wonderfull curves, smiling and looking at him.
She says: "**My name is Emily, if you catch me, you can fuck me !**".
Not losing one second the guy starts running but his suit and his shoes are not ment for jogging so he has a hard time following her arround the room. After 1 hour she leaves the room all sweaty and exausted.
The day after he is back: this time he is dressed as a real jogger. The receptionist shows him another room, and when he enters is sees an even larger room, and larger meeting table with a girl on the other side. She is PERFECT compared to the previous one.
She says: "**My name is Mandy, if you catch me you can hump me !**"
Then she starts running. The guy almost managed to catch her, he was THIS close at the end of the hour.
The third day the receptionist shows him yet another room, when he enters he sees a tiny room with a tiny 4 seats table and a big muscular black guy, a giant of his kind.
The black guys says then: "My name is Mamadoo, if i catch you, i will fuck you !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbbsxy/lose_10kg22_pounds_a_week_or_get_double_your/
%
I just saw my wife trip and fall over with the basket of clothes she just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbbquc/i_just_saw_my_wife_trip_and_fall_over_with_the/
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I'm pretty sure whoever designed humans got input from Steve Jobs.

Why else would they call the flaps of skin on your eyes "iLids"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbbq7z/im_pretty_sure_whoever_designed_humans_got_input/
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An altar boy walks in to find his priest masturbating furiously...

Emabarrassed, he begins to back out of the room when the priest says "Sean, this is perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of; you'll be doing it yourself soon enough".
Skeptical, Sean says "Really, Father?"
The priest replies "Sure you will, my wrist is getting tired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbbpg3/an_altar_boy_walks_in_to_find_his_priest/
%
Coulda been worse.

A father walks past his son's room and to his astonishment he sees that the bed is neatly made and the room is all tidied up.
Then he saw an envelope on the pillow.
It's addressed to "Dad".
He picked it up, tore it open and read the note:
"Dear Dad, it is with great regret and sorrow that I write to you.
I had to run away with my new girlfriend because I didn't want to argue with you and Mom.
Margaret-Ann and I discovered true passion. She's so cute.
I know you guys don't approve of her because there are so many rings through her lips, nose and other places,
And she's five years older than me.
But it's not just about passion, Dad. She is also pregnant.
Margaret-Ann says we will be very happy.
She has a caravan standing somewhere in a forest and there is a whole heap of firewood for the winter.
We just want lots of kids.
Margaret-Ann also taught me that marijuana is not bad.
We are going to grow some of it in the woods ourselves and sell to others in the community.
Then with that money we can buy other, more expensive drugs like COKE.
Meanwhile, we hope and pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Margaret-Ann gets healthy. She deserves it !!!!!!!!
Don't worry, Dad.
At least I am already fifteen and can look after myself.
Relax, and enjoy the grandchildren still to come.
With love
Your son, Jason
PS !!! Dad, none of this is true!!!! I'm at Nick's.
I just wanted to remind you, Dad, that there are much worse things in life
than a bad report card.
Call when it's safe to come home !!!!! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbborv/coulda_been_worse/
%
What was the state of Austria in 1866?

Under Prussiah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbbm7i/what_was_the_state_of_austria_in_1866/
%
If vaginas grew like fruit

They would come from Countries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbbhih/if_vaginas_grew_like_fruit/
%
2 Germans in a bar in London

- 2 Martini's please
- Dry?
- NEIN! ZWEI!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbbet4/2_germans_in_a_bar_in_london/
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Tooth Extraction

Woman at the dentist: "I'd rather get pregnant, than having a tooth pulled!"
Dentist: "Lady, please make up your mind so I can know how to adjust the chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbbafb/tooth_extraction/
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A large multinational company puts out an application for a secretary.

A golden retriever applies for the job, passes the written test and is scheduled for an interview. At the interview the interviewer asks, "Can you speak any foreign languages?"
And the golden retriever says, "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbb6cp/a_large_multinational_company_puts_out_an/
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Bobos's dirty mind (long)

Bobos is watching tv at home when his sis comes home along with a friend (girl) and they go straight up to her room.
Bobos goes up as well, knocking the door.
\- Bobos: Let me in.
\- Sis: Leave now we are changing clothes.
\- Bobos: Let me in, I wanna watch you.
\- Sis: Leave now you retard.
Bobos goes back to the living room and in a while his father comes home from work. He sits on the couch and says to Bobo...
\- Father: Bobo go up to the room and bring me my slippers.
Bobos goes straight up to his sis room and knocks the door...
\- Bobos: Let me in. Father just told me to come up and F@k you both.
\- Sis: Get lost right now or else...
\- Bobos: You don't believe me? Father, just one of them?
\- Father (angry): One? Both of them you jackass!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbb4k1/boboss_dirty_mind_long/
%
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes?

A porcupine has it's pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbb1bg/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
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Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."
The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."
The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbb03m/three_engineering_students_were_discussing_how/
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What do you call a stretch of land surrounded by water on three sides and inhabited by authors?

Pen-insula.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbavw5/what_do_you_call_a_stretch_of_land_surrounded_by/
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Why did William Shakespeare only write in quill?

Because pencils confused him - 2B or not 2B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbav0i/why_did_william_shakespeare_only_write_in_quill/
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I was just rushed to the hospital

I accidentally got in front of the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbauyw/i_was_just_rushed_to_the_hospital/
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger and his classmates were sitting in music class when their teacher announced they would be putting on a play about the history of classical music.

She explained “Each one of you will select a different classical composer to play on stage.  Arnold, you get to pick first.”
Everyone turned to look at Arnold and the room got quiet.  Arnold stared intently at the teacher and made his decision known.
“I’ll be Bach.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbau3d/arnold_schwarzenegger_and_his_classmates_were/
%
6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator

I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbatqb/6ix9ine_would_be_a_great_crime_scene_investigator/
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Why did the acid go to the gym?

It wanted to become a buffer solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbatnr/why_did_the_acid_go_to_the_gym/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbaq5g/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer_how_you/
%
The 2 steps to success in life

1.Never tell anyone your biggest secret

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbal1n/the_2_steps_to_success_in_life/
%
I don't have anything I can use to shred my cheese

But if I did that'd be grate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dbacs6/i_dont_have_anything_i_can_use_to_shred_my_cheese/
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I hate that I’m on Reddit

And I’m rudely interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dba1a8/i_hate_that_im_on_reddit/
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How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dba0il/how_do_you_get_trump_to_change_a_light_bulb/
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Why was the porn star’s funeral so disappointing?

Nobody came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dba0c9/why_was_the_porn_stars_funeral_so_disappointing/
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Why are the Middle Ages also referred to as the 'Dark' Ages?

because there were too many *knights*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9zjm/why_are_the_middle_ages_also_referred_to_as_the/
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Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it is cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9z70/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_female/
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I can’t ever remember my plans to breakup with my girlfriend

It’s probably because it’s a thot provoking process.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9uhk/i_cant_ever_remember_my_plans_to_breakup_with_my/
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Job interview. ”Can you perform under pressure?”

"No, but I can make a stab at We Will Rock You."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9ug7/job_interview_can_you_perform_under_pressure/
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Why did Elon Musk fail to go to Mars

Because he is very down to Earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9t50/why_did_elon_musk_fail_to_go_to_mars/
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I know my ex wife misses me,

I hope her aim does not improve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9q7v/i_know_my_ex_wife_misses_me/
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A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"
"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.
"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9pje/a_journalist_asked_tim_cook_why_iphones_are_so/
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At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog...

He’s adopted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9iz2/at_what_age_is_it_appropriate_to_tell_my_dog/
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9ihn/what_did_the_bartender_say_when_oxygen_hydrogen/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9hzp/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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A socialist, a nihilist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9g33/a_socialist_a_nihilist_and_a_neomarxist_walk_into/
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When I was a boy, I had a disease that forced me to eat dirt everyday in order to survive...

It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9fk8/when_i_was_a_boy_i_had_a_disease_that_forced_me/
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Why do people get depressed when they reach the peak of Mount Everest?

Because it's all downhill from there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9ehv/why_do_people_get_depressed_when_they_reach_the/
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Han Solo doesn’t smoke cigarettes...

But he does chew-baca

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9dtf/han_solo_doesnt_smoke_cigarettes/
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
The doctor replied, "That's kind of what I'm getting at..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db9a8l/an_80_year_old_man_was_having_his_annual_checkup/
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My Boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini...

I said “ Wow, that’s an amazing car!”
He replied “ Well, If you work really hard, exceed all your targets and strive for excellence, I’ll get a Bugatti next year!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db99c8/my_boss_arrived_at_work_in_a_brand_new_lamborghini/
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A man visits a zoo

and asks to speak to the director about the new "Rent-an-Animal" program. The zoo has fallen on hard times financially, so they decided to rent some of their animals outside the usual visitation hours. Usually its the small, cuddly ones, but this man asks for one of the elephants.
"An elephant?" The zoo director asks.
"Yes, the biggest one you have, please", the man says, quite certain.
"I mean, we can do that", the director muses, "But it won't be cheap. Thats 5.000$ per day of rental alone and an additonal 4.000$ for transportation. And you'll need to feed the elephant on your own bill, too."
"That will not be a problem", the man says. "I'll just need him for a day, so here's 10.000$ for your troubles."
With that settled, the elephant gets transported to the mans address.
"Very good. Put him in the bedroom on the second floor", the man orders. The personel tries to get the elephant into the house, but he just doesn't fit through the door. Without hesitation, the man calls a construction company and rents a crane to get the elephant up, through the dismantled window and then re-seal the window at horrifingly high cost.
"You know what, it is none of my business", the zoo director asks at this point, "but I must know: What is this for?"
"Well, you see", the man explains, "My wifes brother is living with us and he's a horrible know-it-all. Every quiz show we watch, he blurts out the answers before we can even take a guess. Every morning, he solves our crossword puzzles. He has beaten me fifteen times in a row at Trivial Pursuit. But this evening. This evening he will go upstairs, come back down and say: 'Hey, guess what, there's an elephant in my bedroom.' And I won't even look up from my book and just say 'I know.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db98ct/a_man_visits_a_zoo/
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Why are Anti Vaxxer kids and Anti Vaxxer jokes very different?

Anti Vaxx jokes get very old after a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db95o2/why_are_anti_vaxxer_kids_and_anti_vaxxer_jokes/
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A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db93dv/a_priest_has_a_heart_attack_and_is_rushed_to_the/
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Why did Steve Jobs die?

Because Apple kept the doctors away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8zc2/why_did_steve_jobs_die/
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A new tattoo studio opened in my neighbourhood which offered free sessions to any women who flashed the artist.

It was called 'Tit for Tat'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8y8e/a_new_tattoo_studio_opened_in_my_neighbourhood/
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People tell me I'm good at handling credit

Which is why I always have an outstanding balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8xtz/people_tell_me_im_good_at_handling_credit/
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Capitalization really changes a sentence.

For example:
I love candy.
I love capitalization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8u73/capitalization_really_changes_a_sentence/
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A blonde woman decides that she is tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are seen as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive and strong smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket, a fur coat, and an anorak, all at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat over her anorak. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on three coats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8twy/a_blonde_woman_decides_that_she_is_tired_of_all/
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My wife opened my car door for me today.

It would have been a nice gesture if we weren't going down the freeway at 70mph.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8sig/my_wife_opened_my_car_door_for_me_today/
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3 men waiting at heaven's gate. VERY LONG

The 3 men arrive at heaven's gate and end up waiting for an almost annoying amount of time.  They all know there is only one other place to go, so they wait.  After some time Saint Peter descends with white wings and a tablet in hand and says, "I am sorry, I have some regrettable news.  There is not room for 3 mansions today, so, if you will all agree you may all have one hut.  If any of you disagrees you may all compete for a single mansion and whoever does not win will spend an eternity in hell." 2 of the men's faces went blank with mouths gaping as they had no idea what to say, one of them started to smile and ready to agree just as the other man piped up loudly, "I have never lived in a hut and I'm not about to start now.  Let's compete!". Quickly, the man who was soon to agree gathers himself to argue for splitting the property, but it was too late. Saint Peter responds, "I said you must all agree, one of you has disagreed so you must all compete".
Saint Peter then turns a page and words appear on the tablet magically.  "The one who will enter the mansion is the one with the strangest and most unlikely death.  You will each tell me your story of surmise and the 2 most modest deaths will enter the hellfire whilst the one who wins will be rich forever".
The loud man who vouched to compete speaks first: " I've got this, without a doubt".  The man straightens himself as if to give a lecture. "Well, I am a hard-working man with a gorgeous wife, I live in a penthouse on the 25th floor of the fanciest building in my city.  Unfortunately, I give myself to my job often more than I should and have assumed for some time my wife has been having an affair.  I had it all planned.  On Thursday I was given the day off so on Thursday I would pretend to go to work.  Wait a couple of hours, then just in the house and catch her in the act.  I couldn't wait.  Thursday came and everything went as planned.  She kissed me goodbye, I pretended to leave, I waited 2 hours and I busted in the door like a mad man and walked straight to the bedroom and there she was, shocked and red in the face gasping for a breath like she had been running a marathon.  But, no man.  I questioned her, I yelled at her, I threw things, I grabbed her around her neck and threatened her, but she wouldn't say a thing.  Then it hit me, I'm on the 25th floor, there is only one way in and he couldn't have passed me to leave.  So, I started searching. I looked under the bed, in the closet, behind the couch, around then plants, I looked everywhere I could think.  Just when I was ready to apologize I glanced out on the sunlit balcony and just barely... Just barely... There they were.  8 fingers.  So without a word I head out there and start screaming at him and I'm so angry i can't even pronounce half my words.  And can you believe it, this asshole starts laughing at me.  So, I start pulling his fingers off one by one.  And he keeps putting them back and now I can see the fear in his eyes.  But, I don't care, I'm angry, so  I start screaming louder at him and I start stomping on his fingers.  And I mean in Stomping on his fingers, I'm really really stomping on them, they're turning red and purple and bruised and bloody.... But he won't let go.  I'm still angry so I go and grab my hammer and I start pounding on his finger and I'm pounding them hard.  I'm going to work like I want nothing left of these fingers.  His fingers hardly look like fingers anymore, I mean he's crying and he's looking at me for help and I'm sorry I'm not the one to help this guy at this point.  It's past that.  I turn the hammer around and I pry each and every one of those fingers off the deck and this guy falls.  All 25 floors.  I thought to his death, but can you believe he landed in a bush?  I wasn't even mad anymore but I knew he would tell the authorities what I did and I had to make sure he wouldn't talk... So, I'm pushing my refrigerator and I'm pushing my refrigerator and I get it to the edge and I'm exhausted.  I bend down and push up just barely enough to get it over and it drops down and bullseye.  The bloods had to have flown up 5 floors.  Seeing all this I stop and look back at my wife who's face is white as snow and tears soaking the bed sheets she has pulled over her naked body.  In that moment, I started regretting my actions, I have never done anything like this, and started hyperventilating and I noticed my left arm tingling.  I fell to the ground and not long after i arrived here."
Before Saint Peter could respond he just had to chime in further, "I am obviously the winner."
Saint Peter responds, " Wow!  If anyone wants to back out now, feel free. Otherwise, feel free to compete. "
The 2nd man chimes in, " A strange death?  Well, that was adventurous, but, what is strange about having a heart attack after killing someone?  I have a real 'strange' death for you.  I was in my apartment, doing chores, folding clothes and washing dishes and making breakfast when suddenly I stepped out on my patio to catch my breath when a large bird came out of nowhere from my left side and bolted straight at my head.  I juked to dodge it's oncoming assault and slipped over the rail.  I was lucky to grab onto a neighbor's ledge and was hanging for some time when I heard screaming and crashing of things and accusations and glass breaking.  Then I heard the patio open.  I tried to ask for help but the resident was enraged and wouldn't listen to a word.  He started trying to pull my fingers off the ledge instead of helping me up.  But, i held on.  Next, he started stomping on my fingers, and stomping on my fingers.  It hurt like hell but it was either to choose to take the pain or die.  So I held on. And he kept stomping and screaming and stomping and spitting.  And I held on to save my life.  Amd he leaves.  I catch my breath, but I'm crying from the pain.  I can barely hold anymore and I think my fingers are broken.  Just then he comes back with the hammer and I just went blank.  And he started hammering my fingers and hammering my fingers and just smashing away at them.  The pain turned into numbness and I was sure I would fall.  I think he might have hammered right through some of them.  But somehow I managed to still be stuck to the ledge even though I I had given up.  And would you believe it, the maniac turned around the hammer and pryed each finger off until I fell.  I must have fallen 20 stories.  I just gave myself to the Lord and closed my eyes.  I was waiting to see his face when I realized I was still in my body.  So, I open my eyes to call out to him and getting larger from a distance I see it.  It was a.. oh yes, a refrigerator.  I did not know at the time that the first man was involved, but it's clear that I am the winner and that God is truly just.  He has given me a sign and the fact that he is the killer should be the icing on the cake.  What do you say Saint Peter?  Is my name written on your tablet now? "
Saint Peter l, without looking down just replies, " There is but one competitor left, we shall see."
The 3rd man quickly responds, "I've been hanging this gorgeous woman for a while now, but I had no idea she was married.  One day, the elevator chimes and she tells me it's her husband and I have to hide.  I'm looking left, I'm looking right. Under the bed didn't look clever, can't conceal myself behind the plant.  I go out on the patio but there is some idiot out there screaming and panicking and causing attention, and I can hear the door clanking open for the elevator, so I jumped in the refrigerator because it looked like it was my size, and that's the last thing I remember. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8rtt/3_men_waiting_at_heavens_gate_very_long/
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Choosing the right synonym is so important.

It's the difference between "Father, I have sinned" and "Daddy, I've been naughty".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8rnq/choosing_the_right_synonym_is_so_important/
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I don't always drink and drive. But when I do...

it's when I'm playing Mario Kart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8r5q/i_dont_always_drink_and_drive_but_when_i_do/
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I went up to the reception of my hotel & said, "Can you call me a taxi?"

The receptionist replied, "Sure, Mr Taxi. Is there anything else?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8ptk/i_went_up_to_the_reception_of_my_hotel_said_can/
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Three nuns are sitting on a bench when a naked guy walks past

The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, but the third nuns arm is just too short to reach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8k56/three_nuns_are_sitting_on_a_bench_when_a_naked/
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I treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures and I must say I was very pleased with the result.

Those piranhas don't fuck about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8gf1/i_treated_the_wife_to_one_of_those_fish_pedicures/
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If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world......

Then Who is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8g3g/if_watson_isnt_the_most_famous_doctor_in_the_world/
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*gasp*

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8e45/gasp/
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If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8aw5/if_you_have_one_big_shit_and_divide_it_into_3/
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What do you get if you cross a gay midget with a vampire?

Cocksucker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db87up/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_gay_midget_with_a/
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Daughters vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db87jo/daughters_vibrator/
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Hunting gone wrong

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db86a3/hunting_gone_wrong/
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Do I need a partner to get blowjobs?

No, because my life already sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db847k/do_i_need_a_partner_to_get_blowjobs/
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I just made this up and I'm drunk, so by all means, make it better.

A new moon walks into a bar. Says "Bartender, whatever. It's all futile."
Bartender says, "Why the dark mood?"
Moon says, "It's probably just a phase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db81ee/i_just_made_this_up_and_im_drunk_so_by_all_means/
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3 hookers are chatting in a bar

The first says "I've worked it so much I can fit a squash up there." The second says "that's nothing, I can stick a melon up mine." The third just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db8167/3_hookers_are_chatting_in_a_bar/
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I have a horse called Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db7yo0/i_have_a_horse_called_mayo/
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I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db7q9q/i_recently_started_learning_morse_code_but_its/
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Scroll to the end

Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Saturday: Ian
Sunday: Greg
.
.
.
The Gregorian calendar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db7p0f/scroll_to_the_end/
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Special birthday

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db7mxb/special_birthday/
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Did you know Helen Keller had a huge playhouse in her backyard?

Neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db7i8i/did_you_know_helen_keller_had_a_huge_playhouse_in/
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Why is it that kids love bubble wrap, while adults just find it annoying?

Nobody really knows, it's just one of the hallmarks of pop culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db775a/why_is_it_that_kids_love_bubble_wrap_while_adults/
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What does an evil genius say when he completes one of his diabolical schemes?

Done, done, donnnnnne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db76bl/what_does_an_evil_genius_say_when_he_completes/
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Why should you never date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db71bs/why_should_you_never_date_a_tennis_player/
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Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe.

But if you remove it, you get gravy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db6z0i/gravity_is_one_of_the_most_fundamental_forces_in/
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Back in my day I could go to the store with one dollar and come back with a soda and two bags of chips.

But nowadays they have cameras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db6yft/back_in_my_day_i_could_go_to_the_store_with_one/
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If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db6tu4/if_robots_cant_identify_stop_signs_or_traffic/
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Did you hear about the bard that was in the army?

He was a lute-tenant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db6rl9/did_you_hear_about_the_bard_that_was_in_the_army/
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In West Virginia, a policeman stops a car...

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?
Miner: Mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db6i0q/in_west_virginia_a_policeman_stops_a_car/
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My grandfather killed 43 German pilots during World War 2.

Honestly though it’s on them for making an alcoholic a Luftwaffe mechanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db5xze/my_grandfather_killed_43_german_pilots_during/
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Why is this sub-reddit the most environmentally-friendly service online?

Because the content is made up of 95% recycled materials.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db5tgp/why_is_this_subreddit_the_most/
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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

because communication is key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db5sa4/if_you_ever_get_locked_out_of_your_house_talk_to/
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If your uncle Jack was stuck on top of a horse..

..would you help your uncle jack off the horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db5qh2/if_your_uncle_jack_was_stuck_on_top_of_a_horse/
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Eric went to tug his son in bed one night and hear his son praying...

"Dear God, please take care of my Grandpapa's soul". Eric didn't think much of it. The very next day, his wife's father dies of a heart attack. Eric was a little perturbed, but didn't think much of it.
A month later, little Johnny prayed "Dear God, please take care of my teacher's soul.". Sure enough, Johnny's teacher dies of a heart attack the very next day.
Now Eric is really concerned. But before he could talk to anyone about it, he again hears Johnny praying, "Dear God, please take care of my daddy's soul."
Eric's heart almost stopped on the spot. He couldn't sleep that night and he decided to take the next day off. His wife asked him if he was okay but he didn't say anything because he didn't want his beautiful wife to worry.
After she went to work, Eric couldn't concentrate on anything at all. He tried to watch TV to pass the time but his mind just wonders about when exactly he was going to die. He decided to break out the expensive wine after lunch when his mom called.
His mom, obviously in tears, said "Oh Eric, your brother died of a heart attack this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db5pko/eric_went_to_tug_his_son_in_bed_one_night_and/
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What did the bison say to his son?

Go away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db5p9p/what_did_the_bison_say_to_his_son/
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What do you call a chicken coop with four doors?

A chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db5p0n/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_coop_with_four_doors/
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What part of a contract entitles you to free gifts?

The Santa Clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db5kzy/what_part_of_a_contract_entitles_you_to_free_gifts/
%
An old teacher asked her student

"If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"
The student replied, "It is obviously past."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db5hsq/an_old_teacher_asked_her_student/
%
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

If she tells you that you're the biggest guy shes ever felt she’s probably pulling your leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db5fif/you_gotta_hand_it_to_blind_prostitutes/
%
How does a Muslim close a door?

Islam it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db5fbr/how_does_a_muslim_close_a_door/
%
There are three things that I love in life.

Eating my family and not using commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db5csd/there_are_three_things_that_i_love_in_life/
%
What do you call a stupid person who steals money?

An imbezzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db587h/what_do_you_call_a_stupid_person_who_steals_money/
%
Blind man in Texus.

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything’s bigger in Texas”
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit the hotel bar. Upon arriving to the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied “Everything’s bigger in Texas!”
A little later the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and entered the third door. This door lead to the swimming pool and he fell in by accident.
Scared to death, he started shouting “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db5778/blind_man_in_texus/
%
I met a kid who loved everything black and white. He adored penguins, pandas, and Mickey mouse

I dont get why I'm not allowed to hang out with him anymore. All I asked is if he likes michael jackson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db4ubk/i_met_a_kid_who_loved_everything_black_and_white/
%
What do you call bears with no ears?

B
I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db4t1i/what_do_you_call_bears_with_no_ears/
%
What's worse than a repost?

A recomment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db4p5i/whats_worse_than_a_repost/
%
What is another name for an Asian assassin?

Chinese takeout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db4ovy/what_is_another_name_for_an_asian_assassin/
%
I never considered myself to be sentimental, but after I got my pacemaker...

I knew it would always have a place in my heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db4nn9/i_never_considered_myself_to_be_sentimental_but/
%
A cop was chasing 3 girls

A brunette, a red head, and a blonde.
They run to a nearby barn to hide.
The brunette hides in the dog sack.
The red head hides in the cat sack.
And the blonde hides in the potato sack.
Cop catches up and looks in the barn, kicks the dog sack and the brunette says “ruff”
Kicks the cat sack and the red head says “meow”
Kicked the potato sack and the blonde says “potato”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db4hm0/a_cop_was_chasing_3_girls/
%
Did you hear the joke about the high wall?

It’s hilarious I’m still trying to get over it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db4hcn/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_high_wall/
%
I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly everyday sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db4e9w/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_one_day/
%
My wife sent me a text that said, "Your great".

So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great".
She's been walking around all happy and smiling.  Should I tell her, that I was just correcting her grammar or should I leave it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db4dyk/my_wife_sent_me_a_text_that_said_your_great/
%
I'm having an edging party

You can't come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db4cun/im_having_an_edging_party/
%
The easiest thing I’ve done all day

I was in chemistry class, and was having problem with one of the questions, so I asked the girl next to me. She was very rude about it and after she finished the problem she said with an attitude, “There, that was the easiest thing I’ve done all day.”  I brush it off and move on. Then, as it’s time for the pledge of allegiance, we all stand up, but not her. I look over and realized she was in a wheelchair. So as the pledge ends and we all sit down, I leaned over to her, and whispered “That was the easiest thing I’ve done all day.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db4ben/the_easiest_thing_ive_done_all_day/
%
Why was the strawberry sad?

His parents were in a jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db49yv/why_was_the_strawberry_sad/
%
Last week in San Francisco...

Last week in San Francisco a Tesla ran out of power during a police pursuit.
The car has since been charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db498j/last_week_in_san_francisco/
%
What do a pregnant teen and an fetus have in common?

They both think, “Shit, my mom is going to kill me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db47d2/what_do_a_pregnant_teen_and_an_fetus_have_in/
%
A man who sneezes without a tissue

takes matter into his own hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db474d/a_man_who_sneezes_without_a_tissue/
%
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a German and a Spanish man go to a dolphin show

The dolphin jumps in the air, but the 4 men couldn’t see the dolphin
The Englishman shouts, “We can’t see you!”
The dolphin jumps higher and says “Can you see me now?” And the 4 men reply
“Yes!”
“Oui!”
“Si!”
“Ya!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db44bw/a_frenchman_an_englishman_a_german_and_a_spanish/
%
I went to the dentist...

Dentist:*looks into my mouth*
Dentist: “WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH”
Me: “bro you were there”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db442w/i_went_to_the_dentist/
%
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married...

The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db43ya/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof_fell_in_love_and_got/
%
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?

She was a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db42kz/why_couldnt_hellen_keller_drive/
%
When I was a single man, I had lots of free time.

Now that I started listening to full albums, I hardly ever leave my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db42g8/when_i_was_a_single_man_i_had_lots_of_free_time/
%
What do the first few tests of a parachute and the invention of it have in common?

They were both ground breaking...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db3szq/what_do_the_first_few_tests_of_a_parachute_and/
%
What do you call a wealthy Greek vampire?

Count Drachma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db3rfw/what_do_you_call_a_wealthy_greek_vampire/
%
My penis used to be in the Guinness book of world records

At least it was until I got kicked out of the library

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db3k4f/my_penis_used_to_be_in_the_guinness_book_of_world/
%
You can never trust farmers

They are always plotting something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db3jg9/you_can_never_trust_farmers/
%
Someone stole my mood ring :(

I don’t know how I feel about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db3bva/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
Whats the difference between a politician and a toilet?

The toilet wont be full of crap forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db34mk/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
What sound does an odd duck make?

Quirk quirk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db305o/what_sound_does_an_odd_duck_make/
%
Is watching this awful show about a fat, naked man masturbating

And then I realised that my TV wasn't turned on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db2xe0/is_watching_this_awful_show_about_a_fat_naked_man/
%
A guy and his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the   monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did  just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db2t8n/a_guy_and_his_pet_monkey/
%
Where do crows go to drink?

The crowbar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db2r39/where_do_crows_go_to_drink/
%
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A Fsh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db2ols/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
%
When do squirrels start hibernating?

No Nut November

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db28ix/when_do_squirrels_start_hibernating/
%
I don’t think anyone will ever get this.

E
A
Peace
S
T

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db27ez/i_dont_think_anyone_will_ever_get_this/
%
What’s the difference between a pub and an elephant fart?

One is a bar room, the other is a BAROOM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db23cp/whats_the_difference_between_a_pub_and_an/
%
What is the only time where complimenting a girls makeup skills would get you slapped

the first time you see her without it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db22mn/what_is_the_only_time_where_complimenting_a_girls/
%
Dad: *washing truck with his son*

Son: "Dad, you could just use a sponge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db22by/dad_washing_truck_with_his_son/
%
What does a carpenter use to make a casket when someone dies with an erection

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db1w5p/what_does_a_carpenter_use_to_make_a_casket_when/
%
Why dont vegans like dad jokes?

They're too cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db1vy7/why_dont_vegans_like_dad_jokes/
%
"You gotta prepare me for stuff like that!"

A man goes out of town on business, and asks his good friend if he can house sit for him whiles he's gone. The friend agrees, and a week later, the man shows back up at his home.
"Hey bro!" the man says as he opens his front door. "How did it go while I was gone? Everything go ok?"
"Your cat's dead."
"I-- what!?"
"Yeah she's dead. Sorry man."
"Wha-- that's how you tell me? Jesus, man!"
"What? There's not much I can say that can change the fact."
"Well, you could have at least PREPARED me a bit! I dunno, just like led into it! Maybe, 'hey bro, so your cat was up on the roof, she made after some squirrel, had a bad fall, and, well, sorry man, she didn't make it.' Something like that!" Anything but 'Hey your cat's dead.'"
"Hey, I'm sorry."
"It's fine. I'm just-- upset that my cat's gone. Well, did anything else happen while I was gone?"
"..."
"Well?"
"So your mom was up on the roof..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db1t2h/you_gotta_prepare_me_for_stuff_like_that/
%
New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time.

It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db1snb/new_911_audio_recordings_of_chris_browns_assault/
%
A priest, a doctor and an engineer went golfing

They were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.”
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db1sj5/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_went_golfing/
%
How does a Mexican cut his pizza?

With little ceasers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db1q3v/how_does_a_mexican_cut_his_pizza/
%
I'm reading a book about antigravity

Its impossible to put down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db1jl3/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
%
I think my dad might be gay.

Just not sure which one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db1g2x/i_think_my_dad_might_be_gay/
%
My son's math teacher called him average.

I think he's just mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db1g1s/my_sons_math_teacher_called_him_average/
%
A frog walks into a bank

He’s greeted by the receptionist “good afternoon sir, welcome to first national bank, my name is Patty Zwack, how may I help you?”. “Hello Patty, I would like to apply for a loan” said the frog. “Well” said Patty “we usually require collateral, something valuable we can retain if you fail to repay the loan”. From his pocket he pulled out a small porcelain elephant “Will this do?”.  “Yes, I believe that’s sufficient. One additional requirement is a co-signer, someone held in high esteem to vouch for you”.  The frog replied “my father is Mick Jagger”. Not entirely certain the bank would lend money to a frog Patty said “wait here, I’m going to talk to the president of the bank”. “I’m sorry to bother you sir” Patty said to the president “there’s a frog applying for a loan”. “Does he have collateral and a co-signer?” He asked. “Yes, his father is Mick Jagger and this is his collateral “ she replied, giving him the porcelain elephant.  The bank president rose from his chair with great excitement “ THIS IS A KNICK KNACK PATTY ZWACK, GIVE THAT FROG A LOAN, HIS OLD MAN IS A ROLLING STONE”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db18po/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank/
%
My sister asked for something hard to write on

I don't know why she got so mad, It's pretty hard to write on sand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db12mp/my_sister_asked_for_something_hard_to_write_on/
%
What do you call an exiled terrorist?

Tallibaned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db126x/what_do_you_call_an_exiled_terrorist/
%
Someone has been stealing tires off of cop cars

Police have been working tirelessly to find the culprit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db121b/someone_has_been_stealing_tires_off_of_cop_cars/
%
Self-deprecation

The one and only thing I am any good at

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db0q11/selfdeprecation/
%
My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db0pcz/my_dad_asked_me_the_other_day_are_you_even/
%
Some asshole on the bus just sneezed in my face

I'm now feeling kinda ill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db0ouc/some_asshole_on_the_bus_just_sneezed_in_my_face/
%
A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.
"What are they?"
"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."
"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.
"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."
The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db0o88/a_guy_is_in_a_doctors_office_his_doctor_is_there/
%
A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
“We’ll do it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db0khb/a_cop_pulls_over_a_car_with_two_priests/
%
If a clown farts....

Does it smell funny...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db0g5z/if_a_clown_farts/
%
I masturbate fully naked

Don’t like it? Go to a different Taco Bell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db0exi/i_masturbate_fully_naked/
%
Original Limerick

There once was a Knight from Kent
who hid a French whore in his tent.
With a frightening shiver
She reached into his quiver
And cried, "Monsieur, your arrow is bent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db0d4e/original_limerick/
%
Why are Americans bad at math?

Because the kids who skipped school survived

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db06k3/why_are_americans_bad_at_math/
%
Why did the spy cross the road?

Because he was never really on your side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/db05p7/why_did_the_spy_cross_the_road/
%
What is Ludvig Van Beethoven's favourite fruit?

BA-NAA-NA-NAAAA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dazzqm/what_is_ludvig_van_beethovens_favourite_fruit/
%
All the movies I watch have 3.14 stars

They're all pi-rated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dazl3o/all_the_movies_i_watch_have_314_stars/
%
A Man's Logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daz9rl/a_mans_logic/
%
A pregnant lady locks her keys inside her car by an abortion clinic.

Imagine the look on the receptionists face when the pregnant lady asks her for a coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daz1th/a_pregnant_lady_locks_her_keys_inside_her_car_by/
%
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm,

'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm. 'What sort of horse?' said the owner. 'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. Nithe teeth.... Can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. 'Nithe eerth.' He says, 'Now...can I see her twot?' The owner, not sure if he heard correctly, replies 'Her what?' 'Twot, can I see her twot,' the dwarf says. The owner losing his patience picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.  The dwarf shakes his head and says: 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dayohd/a_dwarf_with_a_lisp_goes_into_a_stud_farm/
%
Roses aren’t red..

Violets are gray..
Ever since i looked at the at the sun, i have not been having a great day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dayl9g/roses_arent_red/
%
Which flight ends in Bikini Bottom?

Malaysian Airlines Flight 370

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/day92c/which_flight_ends_in_bikini_bottom/
%
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,

When she turns 71, she asks "why havent you got me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/day82l/a_man_gives_his_wive_a_coffin_for_her_70th/
%
I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/day81c/i_just_found_an_amazing_way_to_grow_herbs/
%
He who farts in church...

Sits in his own pew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/day18e/he_who_farts_in_church/
%
Where do fish keep their money?

The river bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daxwj5/where_do_fish_keep_their_money/
%
What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?

Oh sheet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daxwfq/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_of_the_bed/
%
I've got conjunctivitis!

I know because I researched it on the internet, it was a site for sore eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daxw0q/ive_got_conjunctivitis/
%
A hiker in Scotland stops to drink from a stream.

Just as he is lifting his hand to his mouth a passing shepherd yells out "Dinnae drink frae that, mister, it's all full o' coo piss an' shite!"
The hiker turns and in cut-glass accents replies "My good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says, "I'm so sorry, sir, I was saying that you should cup your two hands together if you want to get a proper drink!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daxpx2/a_hiker_in_scotland_stops_to_drink_from_a_stream/
%
I had a breast exam today, it wasn't good.

I got 2 Ds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daxjg2/i_had_a_breast_exam_today_it_wasnt_good/
%
What is Atheism..?

A non-prophet organisation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daxj6k/what_is_atheism/
%
A friend came to me and asked, "what is atheism?"

I replied, "a non prophet organization"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daxfw1/a_friend_came_to_me_and_asked_what_is_atheism/
%
A man was rushing to the hospital

His wife was already there, giving birth to twins. However, the man, is his haste, failed to see a car coming from his left. The wreck was, thankfully, unsubstantial. The man was unscratched, but unconcious.
He woke up, hours later, in his bed. His brother noticed he had finally woken up and started, "Oh good, you're finally awake!"
The man, still groggy, slowly remembered what happened. He shot up, saying, "My wife! My kids! Are they okay? Where are they?"
His brother calmed him and said, "Hey, don't worry, the kids came out fine. Your wife had a beautiful boy and a beautiful girl, she's doing great. I got to help deliver the kids, and even help name them!"
The man doubted his brother's claim, and asked, "What did you name them?"
His brother began, "Well, your wife named your daughter Denise."
"And my son?" The man questioned
"Denephew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daxeu5/a_man_was_rushing_to_the_hospital/
%
What’s the definition of a good farmer?

A man outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daxd53/whats_the_definition_of_a_good_farmer/
%
Son: Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?

Dad: No sun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dax7ws/son_dad_can_you_tell_me_what_a_solar_eclipse_is/
%
A man is driving a taxi in New York City and his passenger taps him on the shoulder and he almost crashes

She tells him, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you." He says, "Don't worry about it this is my first day as a taxi driver." She asks him,"How long have you lived in New York?" He responds with saying, "My whole life but I've been driving a Hearse for 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dax6qa/a_man_is_driving_a_taxi_in_new_york_city_and_his/
%
Why is “queue” always pronounced as “q”?

Because the other letters are waiting in line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dax4z8/why_is_queue_always_pronounced_as_q/
%
I'd post a chemistry pun on here....

But I'm scared I'll get a volatile reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dax18e/id_post_a_chemistry_pun_on_here/
%
We had a kid in my high school called Diarrhea Dave, and everyone assumed he had a nasty accident.

Actually, he was just the only kid in our class who could spell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dawyue/we_had_a_kid_in_my_high_school_called_diarrhea/
%
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her

Or something like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dawyeg/my_girlfriend_was_complaining_last_night_that_i/
%
If you masturbate on an airplane

Is that considered a high jacking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dawvl4/if_you_masturbate_on_an_airplane/
%
What's the difference between a waitress and a toilet?

A toilet is only expected to deal with one asshole at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dawpoc/whats_the_difference_between_a_waitress_and_a/
%
My wife said that there is no way that she will let me do doggystyle

But I went ahead and did behind her back anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dawpdu/my_wife_said_that_there_is_no_way_that_she_will/
%
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless...

I was like 0mg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dawmxs/i_had_this_crazy_dream_where_i_was_virtually/
%
I just had an idea for an app that can connect people with tourettes and similar conditions, so they can have conversations together about their experiences, it's called:

Tic Talk
(I feel comfortable making this joke. I have a tic disorder)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dawdjt/i_just_had_an_idea_for_an_app_that_can_connect/
%
What do you call a trans person studying genetics?

Transcriptase

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dawcbo/what_do_you_call_a_trans_person_studying_genetics/
%
We were so poor when I was a kid....

If you didn’t wake up on Christmas morning with a hard-on you had nothing to play with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dawbmc/we_were_so_poor_when_i_was_a_kid/
%
How many Alzheimers patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daw9nw/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
Why are squares so hot?

Because its corners are 90 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daw8jm/why_are_squares_so_hot/
%
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?

Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daw8gy/anyone_need_a_slutty_costume_for_halloween/
%
How much thyme does Mike Tyson put into his spaghetti?

About twenty minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daw4l3/how_much_thyme_does_mike_tyson_put_into_his/
%
When is a sailor made of wood?

When he's a board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daw4jr/when_is_a_sailor_made_of_wood/
%
When a guy sleeps with a lot of women, he is called a stud...

But when a woman does... she is your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daw081/when_a_guy_sleeps_with_a_lot_of_women_he_is/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar...

After a week's worth of riding a lone cowboy walks into a bar which was known to pick on new people. He has a few drinks, chats with the locals and a few hours pass.
When he walks outside he notices his horse is no where to be seen, surely the locals have moved it. So he walks into the bar and throws his gun in the air and snags it perfectly without looking, proceeds to shoot the most expensive liquor bottle on the top shelf and with surprising force says
"Which one of your took my horse? I'm going to have one more drink, and if it isn't back by then, I'm going to have to do what I did in Texas, and I DIDNT LIKE what I had to do in Texas."
The crowd was restless and worried and by the time the man finished his drink his horse was returned and groomed and fed.
He smiled and hopped on and started to make his way, but was stopped by the owner of the saloon.
"Hey! What ever happened in Texas anyways.. ya know? What you didn't like to do?"
"Well...I had to walk home"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/davw8q/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What is the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/davw7v/what_is_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_bag/
%
What's another word for a Canadian spy?

A double Eh 'gent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/davvam/whats_another_word_for_a_canadian_spy/
%
[At a restaurant] Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes.

Me: Ok. And for the main course?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/davrmf/at_a_restaurant_her_its_not_working_out_between/
%
I got a new step ladder today

My real ladder left me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/davpgi/i_got_a_new_step_ladder_today/
%
I was at the pub last night...

My wife was waiting for me to come home, but the guys promised to buy me a drink. One turned to ten and before I knew it I was so drunk I threw up on my clothes.
"Oh no", I uttered, knowing my wife would be really mad. Luckily one of the guys had an idea. He slipped 10 dollars into my pocket. I asked him why and he replied:
"You throw up on yourself and you're a drunk idiot, but you were out and one guy threw up at you, you were just the unlucky victim. Tell your wife someone threw up at you and even paid you 10 dollars for cleaning".
"Good idea" I replied. "No worries after all". We continued drinking some more and later that night, I can't remember when, I got home.
My wife was obviously furious. She was about to tear me a new one, but saw the vomit on my clothes. Before she was able to ask, I gave her the money and said:
"It's not mine. Some jerk threw up at me, but it's fine. See, he even gave me 10 dollars for cleaning".
"But you gave me 20 dollars", the wife replied.
"Yeah, the jerk crapped my pants too"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/davfpt/i_was_at_the_pub_last_night/
%
Why don't people in Athens wake up early?

Because dawn is tough on Greece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/davfjm/why_dont_people_in_athens_wake_up_early/
%
I think college athletes should get paid to play sports.

Except Tennessee. They're Volunteers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dava6k/i_think_college_athletes_should_get_paid_to_play/
%
How old is Groot?

Tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dav9vy/how_old_is_groot/
%
I built an analog robot and asked it what gender it is.

It said it was non-binary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dav7s6/i_built_an_analog_robot_and_asked_it_what_gender/
%
Did you hear about the Cobra who couldn't hold himself upright?

He had reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dauxq6/did_you_hear_about_the_cobra_who_couldnt_hold/
%
I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dautnm/i_just_saw_my_math_teacher_lock_himself_in_his/
%
I lost 90 pounds in 10 days!

And now I’m broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daufg9/i_lost_90_pounds_in_10_days/
%
When a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys she's a "slut"...

But, when I do it, I'm "gay".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daudz9/when_a_girl_sleeps_with_a_bunch_of_guys_shes_a/
%
"Does your new girlfriend know about your erectile dysfunction?"

"It hasn't come up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daucas/does_your_new_girlfriend_know_about_your_erectile/
%
I used to have a problem with grammatical tenses...

but not yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dau3au/i_used_to_have_a_problem_with_grammatical_tenses/
%
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dau2hj/i_was_sitting_drinking_coffee_in_my_slippers_this/
%
What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

An electron.
I'll see myself out now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dau0vh/whats_the_difference_between_a_seal_and_a_sea_lion/
%
Why are most criminals virgins?

because theyre in cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/datzlq/why_are_most_criminals_virgins/
%
NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, no sex tonight either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/datx7p/no_sex_tonight/
%
Why do gay people laugh more?

Because they can't keep a straight face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/datwal/why_do_gay_people_laugh_more/
%
Your duck is dead.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said “I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now $1,500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/datvvv/your_duck_is_dead/
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What did one composer say to the other when the bill arrived?

Can you pay? I'm baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/datv4k/what_did_one_composer_say_to_the_other_when_the/
%
My husband told me to embrace my mistakes

So I hugged him :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/datqy7/my_husband_told_me_to_embrace_my_mistakes/
%
What do you call a dirty idea ?

A thot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/datprx/what_do_you_call_a_dirty_idea/
%
What do we want? A cure for Tourette's. When do we want it?

Cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/datpn0/what_do_we_want_a_cure_for_tourettes_when_do_we/
%
My friend is addicted to taking blurry pictures of himself while he’s taking a shower.

He has serious selfie steam issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/datp5b/my_friend_is_addicted_to_taking_blurry_pictures/
%
What were the fish's last words before it hit a wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/datod9/what_were_the_fishs_last_words_before_it_hit_a/
%
I met a girl with 12 nipples the other day

Sounds weird, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/datmjh/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples_the_other_day/
%
What advice should you give to a masturbation addict who wants to quit but can't?

Don't beat yourself up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/date0l/what_advice_should_you_give_to_a_masturbation/
%
I was just proposed to with a Magnesium Oxide crystal.

... OMgOMgOMgOMgOMgOMg...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dat5co/i_was_just_proposed_to_with_a_magnesium_oxide/
%
You hear about the dude who failed Masturbation 101?

He couldn't get a grip on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dat0is/you_hear_about_the_dude_who_failed_masturbation/
%
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.

They're normally around 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dat0by/if_you_ever_get_cold_just_stand_in_the_corner_of/
%
A Spanish magician was doing a magic trick. He said, "Uno, dos..."

and he disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dat00q/a_spanish_magician_was_doing_a_magic_trick_he/
%
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?

It ended in a tie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dasxbl/did_you_hear_about_the_two_silk_worms_in_a_race/
%
A man just assaulted my wife with milk, cream and butter

How dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dasws3/a_man_just_assaulted_my_wife_with_milk_cream_and/
%
Two logicians are having a talk

L0: “Hey! Have I got news for you!”
L1: ”Oh yeah? What is it?”
L0: “I’m gonna be a dad!”
L1: “Wow! That’s terrific news! So, is it going to be a girl or a boy?
L0: “Yes!”
Badum tss!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dasukv/two_logicians_are_having_a_talk/
%
What do Harry Potter and the Bloods have in common?

They're both after a golden snitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dasnql/what_do_harry_potter_and_the_bloods_have_in_common/
%
Telling a lie....

Telling a Lie is a
sin for a child,
fault for an adult,
an art for a lover,
a profession for a lawyer,
a requirement for a politician,
a management tool for a boss,
an accomplishment for a bachelor,
an excuse for a subordinate, but
A matter of survival for a Married Man!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daskgz/telling_a_lie/
%
If someone is transgender and they do something...

does that make it a transaction?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dasdia/if_someone_is_transgender_and_they_do_something/
%
A 50 year old postman is finally retiring

As he goes down his route one less time everyone showers him with gifts. A watch, a new wallet, money, a farewell card from one of children. All is well, until he comes upon his last house. When he knocks a beautiful woman, scantily clad is at the door. She pulls him in and they make love in her bedroom. After they are done she makes him a cup of coffee, an omelette and some bacon. While sipping on his coffee he finds a 50 dollar bill under it. Confused he asks the woman: Miss Jones I’m flattered, but what is the meaning of this?- She answers him: Well yesterday my husband and I were discussing what to give you for your retirement. He suggested “Screw him, give him a 50”. The breakfast was my idea.-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/das8pt/a_50_year_old_postman_is_finally_retiring/
%
Scientists annoy me, they’re always going on about Boyle’s Law and Archimedes’ Law.

One came up to me and said: “If you had an apple which experiences no net force, then its velocity is constant: the apple is either at rest, or it moves in a straight line with constant speed – Newton’s Law”
So I said “Here’s one for you: If you have an apple, a carrot, a cabbage, mayonnaise and mix them all up together, it tastes really nice. – Coles Law.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/das62a/scientists_annoy_me_theyre_always_going_on_about/
%
I think my phone is haunted.

Everyone i message keeps on ghosting me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daryif/i_think_my_phone_is_haunted/
%
Did you hear about the joystick that suddenly went away?

Yeah, it up and downright left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/darvjc/did_you_hear_about_the_joystick_that_suddenly/
%
What's a ghost pirate's favorite drink?

Boo tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/darh1j/whats_a_ghost_pirates_favorite_drink/
%
A guy and his wife are looking from the window

Their neighbor comes home and kisses his wife. She sees that and turns to her husband asking : look how sweet is that , why don’t you do the same thing ?
The guy says : i d love to but are u sure he would let me kiss his wife ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dar77s/a_guy_and_his_wife_are_looking_from_the_window/
%
My psychic told me i will be having bad luck until 30

He also told me you will get used to it after 30.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dar5wi/my_psychic_told_me_i_will_be_having_bad_luck/
%
What do you call a spider in a catholic church?

Father Longlegs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daqxdh/what_do_you_call_a_spider_in_a_catholic_church/
%
What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?

A pilot, you fucking racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daqq7q/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_who_flies_a_plane/
%
He-ing and She-ing

He-ing and she-ing
A preacher was addressing his congregation.
“It has come to my attention that some of you have been he-ing and she-ing! We don’t need that kind of sinning in this church. Any guilty of this sin just get out!”
Half of the congregation gets up and leaves.
He continues, “It has also come to my attention that some of you have been he-ing and he-ing! We don’t need that kind of sinning in this church. Any guilty of this sin just get out!”
What is left of the men gets up and leaves.
“It has also been reported that some of you have been she-ing and she-ing! We don’t need that kind of sinning in this church. Any guilty of this sin just get out!”
What is left of the women gets up and leaves.
There is only one young boy left sitting in front of the church.
The preacher exclaims, “Well at least one of you is able to have some self control!”
“Well I was just waiting for you to say those who have been me-ing and me-ing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daqopl/heing_and_sheing/
%
*raises drink* Here's to blind hookers!

You really gotta hand it to em

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daqiwt/raises_drink_heres_to_blind_hookers/
%
My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail.

He’s a psychopath on a cycle path.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daqfjg/my_friend_is_crazy_hes_constantly_riding_his_bike/
%
Funny when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud...

But when a girl sleeps with a tons of guys, somehow I am not one of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daqfi0/funny_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_tons_of_girls_hes_a/
%
What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daq6ta/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_kittens/
%
What if God is a woman?

Well, we will all go to hell without even knowing WHY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daq2n8/what_if_god_is_a_woman/
%
What did Gandhi say to the British after they asked him to move?

Nah, mastay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daq1et/what_did_gandhi_say_to_the_british_after_they/
%
Did you hear about the guy addicted to brake fluid?

He said he can stop whenever he wants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dapyj9/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
%
It must be really difficult for an OCD person to have sex

Every time their partner gets turned on, they turn them back off again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dapui7/it_must_be_really_difficult_for_an_ocd_person_to/
%
Dear Satan,

This Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daprw2/dear_satan/
%
What do you call a musician without a huge ego?

Just a guy that plays music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dapq0s/what_do_you_call_a_musician_without_a_huge_ego/
%
I’m a great Russian Roulette player!

I’ve only lost once!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dap8jq/im_a_great_russian_roulette_player/
%
Your first car is a lot like anal sex.

Its not really what you wanted, but your dad gets it for you anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dap1zj/your_first_car_is_a_lot_like_anal_sex/
%
You can do and achieve anything that you want to.

Look at me for example. Two years ago I was in a dead end job that I hated.
But then they fired me and I don't have to go there anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dap0sf/you_can_do_and_achieve_anything_that_you_want_to/
%
What does DNA stand for?

The National Dyslexic association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dap0f1/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath

Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daouxa/i_cant_tell_whether_my_new_cars_suspension_is/
%
If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people.

He's a terrible doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daor3n/if_you_ask_my_son_why_he_joined_the_army_he_will/
%
Did you hear about the cow that was shot for grazing in the marijuana patch?

The steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daon9c/did_you_hear_about_the_cow_that_was_shot_for/
%
My grandmother is over 80 and she still doesn't need glasses.

Drinks straight from the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daomjx/my_grandmother_is_over_80_and_she_still_doesnt/
%
What do you get when you cut a poop into three pieces?

Turds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daolaw/what_do_you_get_when_you_cut_a_poop_into_three/
%
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind her teams bench on the 50 yard line.
After the game he asked her how she liked it.
She replied "oh, I really like it especially all the tight pants and big muscles, but I just don't understand why they were fighting each other over 25 cents."
The boyfriend replied "What do you mean?"
She answered " Well, they flipped a coin and one team won it. Then all they kept screaming for the rest of the game was GET THE QUARTERBACK, GET THE QUARTERBACK! I'm just like hellooooooo it's only 25 cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daohtf/a_guy_took_his_girlfriend_to_her_first_football/
%
I broke my finger last week,

On the other hand, I’m okay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daohbp/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
%
What did the scientist testing his invisibility potion say?

Am I making myself clear?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daogne/what_did_the_scientist_testing_his_invisibility/
%
What did the earth say to all the other planets?

Wow you guys have no life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daocxc/what_did_the_earth_say_to_all_the_other_planets/
%
With Britain leaving the EU how much space will be freed up?

1 GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/danmli/with_britain_leaving_the_eu_how_much_space_will/
%
Conversation between leaders of the UK and Argentina

UK: knock knock.
Argentina: who's there?
UK: Falkland Islands.
Argentina: I don't get it.
UK: And you never will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/danl4p/conversation_between_leaders_of_the_uk_and/
%
...That $800

A woman was taking a shower, in the upstairs bathroom, she gets finished and puts on a towel over her.
Her husband takes a shower right after her. When the husband walks in to take a shower the doorbell rings.
So the woman goes to answer the door ... It is there next door neighbor (Stan) she answers the door Stan says " ill give u $800 if u drop that towel" so she did and Stan gave her $800. Stan leaves and the woman walks back upstairs...
Her husband asks..."who was that hunny" and she says" oh it was just Stan" The husbands asks " did he mention anything about that $800 dollars he owes me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dan7za/that_800/
%
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.

Bought a bing. Bought a boom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dan4ys/went_shopping_for_cherries_and_a_microphone_the/
%
Johnny is playing fetch with his dog in the park, when he accidentally throws the stick onto a lake

To his amazement, the dog runs onto the lake, walks across the water, and brings back the stick.
Johnny can't believe his eyes, so he throws the stick onto the lake again, and once more the dog walks on the water and fetches the stick.
A man comes walking by, and wanting to show off his dog's ability, Johnny calls to him, "Hey, watch this!". Then he throws the stick into the lake and once again, the dog walks on the water to fetch the stick.
Grinning with pride, Johnny turns to the man and asks "Well, did you notice anything unusual about my dog?"
"Yes" the man replies, "Your dog can't swim"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/damxcf/johnny_is_playing_fetch_with_his_dog_in_the_park/
%
9/11 jokes aren't funny.

The other two are, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/damue4/911_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?

Only people in the Woods’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/damu7n/who_in_the_hell_names_their_son_tiger/
%
No Scotsman is ever fully Scot, why?

Because they are Scott-ish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/damtz2/no_scotsman_is_ever_fully_scot_why/
%
A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him “Hey what’s all that in your pocket?” He says “It’s tennis balls”

They guy says “Well, if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/damt6v/a_tennis_player_is_leaving_the_court_and_and_a/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dampfv/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_satanist/
%
How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/damovt/how_much_room_is_needed_for_fungi_to_grow/
%
A dog walks into a bar

As he sits down the bartender comes over “dogs are not welcome here, please leave”. Unperturbed the dog says “gimme a beer”, the bartender pulls a gun out from under the bar, points it at the dog “I’m not warning you again “. The dog simply will not leave so the bartender is forced to shoot the dog in the foot. Blood everywhere the dog howls and whimpers his way out. In a few weeks the incident has been forgotten until one day in walks the same dog, only this time he’s dressed in all black with a shiny silver six shooter on his hip. He swaggers his way up to the bar, tips his hat back and looks the bartender in the eye. “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/damiwz/a_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Need an ark?

I Noah guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/damdzo/need_an_ark/
%
What do you call a joke about agriculture?

Corny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/damc4o/what_do_you_call_a_joke_about_agriculture/
%
Stepdad, can you tell me how an elevator is different from a staircase?

No stepson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dambmm/stepdad_can_you_tell_me_how_an_elevator_is/
%
Having IBS is like having a suspicious wife

If it shows up on a date with your girlfriend, all hell breaks loose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dam9m5/having_ibs_is_like_having_a_suspicious_wife/
%
How are Mexican and black jokes similar?

Once you have heard Juan you have heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dam8hf/how_are_mexican_and_black_jokes_similar/
%
How does a New Zealander find sheep in tall grass?

Delightful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dam7rl/how_does_a_new_zealander_find_sheep_in_tall_grass/
%
A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” The officer asks.
“Just water,” says the priest.
“Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dam5vp/a_trooper_pulls_over_a_priest_and_immediately/
%
This young generation with their computers and internet are so self absorbed.

It's all meme, meme, meme..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dalm1u/this_young_generation_with_their_computers_and/
%
What is the worst part about having to go to a daycare as a police officer

There is always at least one kid napping and a bunch resisting a rest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dalj6p/what_is_the_worst_part_about_having_to_go_to_a/
%
A termite walks into a bar and asks,

"is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dalfi1/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
%
"$50 is $50!"

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen folks, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars."
Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn't so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!"
Walter replied, "Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dale8c/50_is_50/
%
Dad: "Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room."

Son: "Thanks Grandad!"
Dad: "Why did you call me Grandad?"
Son: "Because I couldn't find them yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dalazj/dad_son_i_found_a_pack_of_condoms_in_your_room/
%
Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Color of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Color of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?
Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dakxsx/husband_my_wife_is_missing_she_went_to_rescue/
%
Two Arabs and a Jew are on a train together ...

They all relax, take off their shoes, and start making small talk.  After a while, the Jew says, "Who wants a drink?"  The Arabs say they would like orange juice, so he gets up, and goes to buy juice.  While he's gone, the Arabs spit in his shoes.
When they reach their destination, they put their shoes back on, and the Jew finally realizes what happened.  He stands up and cries, "When will this end?!?  The hatred, the spitting in shoes, the peeing in orange juice!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dakupd/two_arabs_and_a_jew_are_on_a_train_together/
%
I'm from the DNA association

National dyslexic association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dako7d/im_from_the_dna_association/
%
A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi....

A Priest and a Rabbi where sitting on a bench in a park conversing. Moments later when a group of kids walks by one of the kids drops his money and bends over the pick it up.
Forgetting who he was talking to, the priest says: Hey wanna screw that kid?!
The Rabbi replies: Screw him out of what? That couldn’t be more than 75 cents!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dakmqx/a_catholic_priest_and_a_jewish_rabbi/
%
What is Gordon Ramsay's favourite subreddit ?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dakmjs/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favourite_subreddit/
%
They say just doing a little cocaine wont lead to addiction

So I just do a small line every 30-45min

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dakk9v/they_say_just_doing_a_little_cocaine_wont_lead_to/
%
After taking a huge dump I grabbed the roll, took off a piece and wiped my ass with it.

And that’s how I got banned from the bakery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dakfxu/after_taking_a_huge_dump_i_grabbed_the_roll_took/
%
I walked past a temple in Nepal and a Monk blew smoke in my face. I couldn’t believe it.

I was incensed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dakfmq/i_walked_past_a_temple_in_nepal_and_a_monk_blew/
%
What button do dogs like to press the most on a remote?

Pause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dakeov/what_button_do_dogs_like_to_press_the_most_on_a/
%
Two guys are camping in the outback

They have been drinking quite heavily and one goes to take a piss in the bush.
A few minutes later he hears a scream and his mate comes back holding his penis.
“Fuck mate, i went to take a piss and pissed right down the hole of an eastern brown snake, he flew out and bit me right on the dick!”
His friend wasting no time pulled out his phone and dialled emergency services.
“Hello, i need an ambulance my mates been bit by a brown snake”
The operator replies “okay sir stay calm an ambulance is on the way but it may be a few hours before it get there, what you need to do is isolate the wound, place pressure on where he’s been bitten, then you need to suck out the venom, if you don’t this your friend will die in 30 minutes”
He hangs up the phone and looks at his mate
“What did he say?!?” His mate asks franticly
“He said your gonna die in 30 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dakdqg/two_guys_are_camping_in_the_outback/
%
Where do super heroes go when they are badly injured?

They take them to the MCU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dakcbu/where_do_super_heroes_go_when_they_are_badly/
%
A mom has a conversation with her 3 children...

Rose: Mommy, why is my name Rose?
Mom: Because when you were born, a rose landed on your head.
Lily: Why is my name Lily?
Mom: Because when you were born, a lily landed on your head.
Other Child: Duhhhhshsiuuuu.
Mom: Shut up Brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dak49k/a_mom_has_a_conversation_with_her_3_children/
%
The porn industry should really invest more to virgin porn

I believe there is alot of untapped potential there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dak22d/the_porn_industry_should_really_invest_more_to/
%
I want to die like my grandfather did - just fall asleep peacefully and never wake up.

Not screaming and in panic like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dak0xy/i_want_to_die_like_my_grandfather_did_just_fall/
%
Have you heard the dirty pun about the teenager who got his teacher pregnant?

Nevermind, it's just a juvenile dad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dajzvw/have_you_heard_the_dirty_pun_about_the_teenager/
%
Just Realized , Vaseline is the best lubricant for having sex ,

Just apply some on the door knob. Makes it very difficult for her to escape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dajppr/just_realized_vaseline_is_the_best_lubricant_for/
%
Why was Thor so hesitant to go to the party?

Low-key wanted to skip it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dajo0s/why_was_thor_so_hesitant_to_go_to_the_party/
%
Little Johnny walks up to his mother after first day of school and asks "Mom, what is sex?"...

The mother, thinking times have changed. Maybe in the modern world children are taught EVERYTHING in kindergarten. She wants her child to be the best in school.
So she explains everything about sex, with drawings and video material. It takes her hours.
After everything is over, little  Jonny makes a cute face, pulls out a form from his school bag and asks very innocently...
"But mom! How do I write ALL OF THAT in this small space?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dajnbj/little_johnny_walks_up_to_his_mother_after_first/
%
My Doctor: "Have any members of your family suffered from insanity?"

Me: " No, we all seem to enjoy it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dajlcy/my_doctor_have_any_members_of_your_family/
%
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dajkfz/a_man_enters_a_barbershop_for_a_shave_while_the/
%
I hate Russian dolls....

They are so full of themselves!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dajfnv/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
A suicide bomber school instructor addresses his students

“Today will be a demonstration. Pay very close attention because I’m only going to show you this once.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dajfaw/a_suicide_bomber_school_instructor_addresses_his/
%
French people are so hardcore

They eat pain for breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dajelu/french_people_are_so_hardcore/
%
Just saw 2 people stealing a Calendar

They both got 6 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daj4i7/just_saw_2_people_stealing_a_calendar/
%
A little kid goes to his dad and asks "Dad, what's the difference between theory and reality?"

The dad replies "Well, let me explain using an example.
Go to your sister and ask her if she'll have sex with the Kyle, the kid next door, for fifty thousand dollars."
The boy goes to his teenage sister and asks. The sister thinks and says "Yeah, I think I would."
The boy tells his dad about his sister's answer.
The dad says "Okay, now go ask your mother if she'd have sex with Kyle's dad for fifty thousand dollars."
The boy asks his mother. His mom says "Y'know, I think I would."
The boy tells his dad the answer.
So the dad says "Well, let's put it this way. In *theory*, we have a hundred thousand dollars. In *reality* . . . we have a couple of whores."
u/wolfir I think it was if not I'm sorry:<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daip3y/a_little_kid_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks_dad_whats/
%
Whistling

An old man was sitting in a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was going commando.
She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.
"It's all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss. The old man was completely astounded and asked what else it could do.
"I can also make it wink," she replied.
The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.
"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, he stammered, "You- you're kidding me, you mean it can blow a whistle, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daimip/whistling/
%
A Scotsman phoned his boss:

Sorry boss I will not be in to work today, I have a wee cough, Boss replies you have a wee cough?: Scotsman says OK Boss but I was only going to take today off....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daieq1/a_scotsman_phoned_his_boss/
%
A cow with no legs?

Ground BEEF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daiapy/a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
Hear about the Buddhist monk who could shit nickles?

Because change comes from within...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dai9lp/hear_about_the_buddhist_monk_who_could_shit/
%
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes ones a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dai99d/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
%
Two men from two separate States met at a restaurant and found that both have left homes in search of their missing wives.

First: How does your wife look, her identity?
Second: She is 5'9", slim, extremely beautiful and always smiling. What about yours?
First: Forget about mine. Come, let's search yours....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dai6t0/two_men_from_two_separate_states_met_at_a/
%
What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dai64k/whats_the_difference_between_anal_and_oral_sex/
%
Hey, are you wearing heels?

Because you’re REALLY unstable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dai1so/hey_are_you_wearing_heels/
%
I didn’t know my girlfriend after she turned vegetarian.

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dai170/i_didnt_know_my_girlfriend_after_she_turned/
%
What is Frankenstein's favorite Disney song?

"I'll make a man out of you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dahqmc/what_is_frankensteins_favorite_disney_song/
%
C, E Flat, and G walked into a bar and said "3 beers, please."

The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dahphu/c_e_flat_and_g_walked_into_a_bar_and_said_3_beers/
%
My dad has a super power!

Invisibility

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dahp9s/my_dad_has_a_super_power/
%
My grandfather has the heart of a Lion

and also a ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dahm7u/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dahlm3/a_mormon_was_seated_next_to_an_irishman_on_a/
%
My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dahkdk/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
%
Why couldn't the fisherman play his guitar?

Because he lost his tuna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dahac8/why_couldnt_the_fisherman_play_his_guitar/
%
The other day there was a spider

I was told not to smash it but take it out. So I did. We went and got dinner and turns out he was a really nice guy, he wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dah9qp/the_other_day_there_was_a_spider/
%
Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously knows more than the cowboy, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color,15 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.  He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.  "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know  how working people make a living –you know nothing about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dah7pn/bud_the_cowboy/
%
Even if tectonic plates aren't dishwasher safe...

I bet they make for a great continental breakfast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dah6tj/even_if_tectonic_plates_arent_dishwasher_safe/
%
My therapist told me I have trouble interpreting social cues

I think she’s hitting on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dah4g4/my_therapist_told_me_i_have_trouble_interpreting/
%
I tried to make a site to rival Reddit.

I Blueit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dah4c5/i_tried_to_make_a_site_to_rival_reddit/
%
A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks

"What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt???
He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dah0i8/a_woman_gets_naked_in_front_of_her_husband_and/
%
What did the VSCO girl say when she got run over by a truck?

She didn't say anything. She got skskskquished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dagsrz/what_did_the_vsco_girl_say_when_she_got_run_over/
%
In honor of my brother’s wedding today.

So there's a groom standing at the end of the aisle in the church waiting for his bride to walk down. He's got a huge smile on his face. His best man sees and says "I'm glad to see you're so happy!" The groom says, "of course I am I just got the best blow job of my life and I'm marrying the woman who gave it to me!"
Meanwhile the bride is waiting to walk down and she's got a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor sees her and says "you look so beautiful and happy!" The bride says "of course I'm happy! I just gave the last blowjob of my life!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dagg37/in_honor_of_my_brothers_wedding_today/
%
The son of a wealthy oil sheik sends an email to his father in Dubai

Subject: arrived.
Hi dad, Oxford is fantastic, everyone is very friendly and it is very nice here, but ... I don't feel so easy when I come to my university in my pure golden Ferrari, while my fellow students and even my  professors come by train. Greetz, Nasser.  The next day, Nasser receives an answer from his father: Sorry, son, I didn't know that.  I just transferred 20 million dollars to your account.  That way you can also buy a train yourself.  Greetings, daddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dagely/the_son_of_a_wealthy_oil_sheik_sends_an_email_to/
%
Training for a marathon can be hard work

But it'll be good for you in the long run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dag7hm/training_for_a_marathon_can_be_hard_work/
%
Did you know that French fries weren't first cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dag44s/did_you_know_that_french_fries_werent_first/
%
I have the sex appeal of a god.

Specifically Yog-Sothoth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dag2d3/i_have_the_sex_appeal_of_a_god/
%
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office. I will find you...

You have my Word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dafyv2/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i/
%
I ran into the doctors and said: "I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!!!"

He said: "No reason to be alarmed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dafwnf/i_ran_into_the_doctors_and_said_i_think_im/
%
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dafvvi/the_only_two_white_actors_in_black_panther_are/
%
Walter White invites Hank over one night.

Walt: I got you a pizza.
Hank: Thanks, how much do I owe you.
Walt: It's on the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dafq1m/walter_white_invites_hank_over_one_night/
%
A man walks into a bar feeling gloomy

"What's wrong John?" asks the bartender, standing with his legs apart and hands on his hips.
John says, "It's the wife. I feel like she doesn't love me anymore. Our love life feels dull and the sex has become routine."
The bartender starts stroking his chin, legs apart, with one hand on his hip. "Hmmm. Well,I've never had a problem with the ladies. In the years of my happy marriage, distance has always made the heart grow fonder."
John looks at the bartender with a spark in his eye. Without saying a word, he rushes home to his wife. There, she is reading a book in the bedroom, when John bolts in, posing just as the bartender was: legs apart, with his hands on his hips.
In a felt swoop, he rips the clothes off his wife and proceeds to make love to her through the night.
After what seems like hours, she turns to John. Still trying to catch her breath, she asks him what changed.
John gets up, stands with his legs apart and puts his hands on his hips. "It's this stance", he says.
"What about this stance, John?".
He lifts one hand and starts stroking his chin, legs apart and with one hand on his hip.
_"This stance makes the heart grow fonder."_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daf75c/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_feeling_gloomy/
%
"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"

A man walks up to a woman at a bar and breaks the ice with:
"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"
She ponders for a moment and answers: "Hmm, yeah, I would."
"Would you sleep with me for $5?"
"What do you think I am, a prostitute?"
"I thought we already established that and were now haggling the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daf4te/would_you_sleep_with_me_for_one_billion_dollars/
%
What does 90 year old pussy taste like?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daf2bk/what_does_90_year_old_pussy_taste_like/
%
In the last two months I have persuaded 7 young people to stop preparing for a career as a doctor

After all, as a doctor, it’s my job to save lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daf0m0/in_the_last_two_months_i_have_persuaded_7_young/
%
Well made nun clothes are actually more easily torn apart than poorly made ones.

Bad habits are hard to break.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daf0ah/well_made_nun_clothes_are_actually_more_easily/
%
Why do deaf girls always masturbate with two hands?

They need one hand to get the job done and the other to moan with :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daexvo/why_do_deaf_girls_always_masturbate_with_two_hands/
%
Wife: Look at that drunkard.

Husband: Who is he?
Wife: 10 years back, he proposed me, but I rejected.
Husband: Oh my God! He is still celebrating....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daewdm/wife_look_at_that_drunkard/
%
I think the Rainforest Bistro takes the whole rainforest theme too far.

One time, I was sitting there, eating my hamburger, and they bulldozed half the restaurant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daeulv/i_think_the_rainforest_bistro_takes_the_whole/
%
On the one hand, I don't masturbate often.

On the other hand, I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daeswy/on_the_one_hand_i_dont_masturbate_often/
%
When my girlfriend tells me a racist joke, I can only think of one thing.

Why did I even imagine her?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daemlt/when_my_girlfriend_tells_me_a_racist_joke_i_can/
%
Fat ass

Doctor: It looks like you are pregnant
.
.
.
.
Boy: seriously?? Am I
.
.
.
Doctor: No,but it looks like you are ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daemf1/fat_ass/
%
What do you get when you add two numbers together?

Sum thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daee59/what_do_you_get_when_you_add_two_numbers_together/
%
If Watson isn’t the most famous Doctor in the world

Then Who is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daean3/if_watson_isnt_the_most_famous_doctor_in_the_world/
%
Freeza was okay...

His brother was Cooler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dae5rb/freeza_was_okay/
%
Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...

His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother".
Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dadzi0/samuel_l_jackson_was_sitting_at_the_breakfast/
%
What's the difference between skateboard tricks and my political views?

Nothing, people call them "sick" and "radical".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dadxs0/whats_the_difference_between_skateboard_tricks/
%
NSFW My friend invited me to a orgy

I asked "how many people are going to be there?"
He said " Three if you invite your girlfriend!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dadv5y/nsfw_my_friend_invited_me_to_a_orgy/
%
I had an argument with my girlfriend in an elevator.

I have never been wrong on so many levels.
So we tried using the escalator and I saw how quickly it escalated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dadt2g/i_had_an_argument_with_my_girlfriend_in_an/
%
Australia

Was on holiday in Sydney and saw this bloke with a didgeridoo playing Dancing Queen. I thought, that's Abba-riginal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dadga9/australia/
%
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dadc1h/a_blonde_drops_off_her_dress_to_the_dry_cleaners/
%
You can’t fool an aborted child...

...he wasn’t born yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dad84f/you_cant_fool_an_aborted_child/
%
Im a magician and I can make ANYTHING dissappear.

Im a magician and I can make dissappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dad4sd/im_a_magician_and_i_can_make_anything_dissappear/
%
There was an old man who lived by a forest

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dad2dj/there_was_an_old_man_who_lived_by_a_forest/
%
Mike Tyson Opens a Strip Club

When they are open, the sign says:  "We're Open"
When they are not open, the sign says:  "We're Clothed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dacxpj/mike_tyson_opens_a_strip_club/
%
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dacmei/an_old_grandma_brings_a_bus_driver_a_bag_of/
%
Russian Connection

If the internet disconnects in Russia, do they call it the internyet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daceck/russian_connection/
%
It's said that Jesus could walk on water...

Thats nothing! Stephen Hawking ran on batteries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dacbz8/its_said_that_jesus_could_walk_on_water/
%
You’ve heard of a baker’s dozen (13) but how about a German’s ten?

Its Nein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dacag4/youve_heard_of_a_bakers_dozen_13_but_how_about_a/
%
Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dac5fu/got_a_phone_call_today_from_my_twin_brother_who/
%
Do you know why cowboy's hats turn up on the sides?

So they can fit three in the cab of a pickup truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dac3wj/do_you_know_why_cowboys_hats_turn_up_on_the_sides/
%
If you're locked out of your house, try slow talking with your door.

Because communication is key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dac3uo/if_youre_locked_out_of_your_house_try_slow/
%
Why was Putin late for work today?

His car kept Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dac2qf/why_was_putin_late_for_work_today/
%
Two gay men are walking down the street. One of them is wearing a very flashy shirt.

A woman approaches and says, "oh my gosh, I love your top!"
The man replies, "thank you! I love him too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dabyxy/two_gay_men_are_walking_down_the_street_one_of/
%
Heard this one today: What did the left eye say to the right?

Something between us smells!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daby8q/heard_this_one_today_what_did_the_left_eye_say_to/
%
What does a German miner call his penis?

Meinshaft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dabw5i/what_does_a_german_miner_call_his_penis/
%
A man is in a bar at closing time, he starts flirting with a female on the way out, and walks her home...

She invites him upstairs for a nightcap, and suddenly they are both naked and all over each other.
After it is over, as they lay in bed, she says “Am I the first one you ever hooked up with like this?”
He looks over and says, “Actually you are.  All the other ones were 9s and 10s”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dabq4q/a_man_is_in_a_bar_at_closing_time_he_starts/
%
What did Michel Jackson say at a gay mans wedding?

"I now pronounce you hee-hee"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dabooy/what_did_michel_jackson_say_at_a_gay_mans_wedding/
%
What I if told you

You read the title wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dabbkr/what_i_if_told_you/
%
I met Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother today

His name is Brocko Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dab83i/i_met_bruce_lees_vegetarian_brother_today/
%
Dad joke extraordinaire

I was out to dinner with my parents and wife. Excused myself to go to the bathroom.  My dad stops me. Says wait. I said, oh you have to go too? He says no. Mention my name and you'll get a better seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daapf4/dad_joke_extraordinaire/
%
When Peter was younger, the local priest told him that he was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

He was touched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daaksa/when_peter_was_younger_the_local_priest_told_him/
%
Did you hear about the kid who was born without eyelids? Amazingly, they were able to make a set of eyelids out of his foreskin when he was circumcised! He looks totally normal now...

Except he's just a little cockeyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daakqy/did_you_hear_about_the_kid_who_was_born_without/
%
A man is walking down the beach..

A man is walking down the beach and sees an armless legless woman sitting and crying so he goes up to her and asks what's the matter. "All my life I've never been kissed," she says, so he kisses her, but she continues to cry. He asks again what's wrong and she replies, "All my life I've never been fucked." So he picks her up, tosses her in the ocean, and shouts, "You're fucked now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daakc9/a_man_is_walking_down_the_beach/
%
Someone just asked me, "Who do you think will win the 2020 Presidential Election?"

I said, I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daacnk/someone_just_asked_me_who_do_you_think_will_win/
%
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.

Riveting stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daa74l/im_reading_a_book_about_metal_fasteners/
%
Time for a repost.

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a deer. The deer is about to smoke a blunt. The rabbit looks up at the deer and says, "deer, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come run with me through the forest!"
The deer tosses his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot some dope. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr sheep, don't do heroin! Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come run with us through the forest!"
The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing, and in this clearing is a tiger. This tiger is about to have a beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr tiger, don't drink that beer! Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come run with us!"
The tiger puts his beer down. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw and disembowels him with one swipe.
The deer and sheep are in shock. They shout, "Dude, what the fuck? He was just trying to help you!"
The tiger turns to them and says, "Think what you want. But every time that fucking rabbit does a line of meth, I end up running through the forest!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/daa1yb/time_for_a_repost/
%
I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da9x3b/i_have_successfully_muted_every_single_person_on/
%
I quit my job translating Pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.

It feels like ancient history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da9sh6/i_quit_my_job_translating_preclassical_greek/
%
Johnny was a bright, charming boy

and he was even fairly good-looking. The only problem was that he had lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. They were too poor to afford a glass eye, so his father made him a wooden one.
He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self esteem.
But he was tired of letting the world get him down. The school dance was coming up and he would be damned if he didn't let himself have a good time.
Johnny liked a girl named Lisa. She was shy and just as lonely as he was, due to having a fairly pronounced mustache, earning her the nickname, "Hair-lip".
Well Johnny saw past her stache and thought she was the most beautiful girl in school, and he decided he was going to ask her out. He waited until lunch, and spotted her sitting alone in the corner.
He walked up to her and said, "Lisa, I've been seeing you around for a while, and, well... Would you like to go to the dance with me?"
Lisa's eyes lit up and she said, "Would I!"
Johnny said, "Hair-lip!" and walked away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da9r8q/johnny_was_a_bright_charming_boy/
%
Did you hear about the woman who is allergic to WIFI?

I hear doctors cleared her to go to weddings but she has to stay away from the reception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da9jlf/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_is_allergic_to/
%
What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da9eop/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_came_out_of_the/
%
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? NSFW

I wouldn’t spend 12 dollars to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da9cud/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
%
I finally quit watching porn.

My library card expired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da9avf/i_finally_quit_watching_porn/
%
What is a high wire walker, and a guy getting a blow job from a 100 year old woman both thinking?

Whatever you do, don't look down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da98mw/what_is_a_high_wire_walker_and_a_guy_getting_a/
%
I think it's important to keep the races separate.

Just imagine how unfair it would be for a horse in NASCAR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da97o1/i_think_its_important_to_keep_the_races_separate/
%
My nephew asked me how I felt about cow tipping.

I told him I could not remember the last time I had a cow waiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da8ypj/my_nephew_asked_me_how_i_felt_about_cow_tipping/
%
President Trump is walking from the White House to his limousine

while out of nowhere, an assassin takes aim at him. The Vice President quickly, without much thought, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This catches the assassin off guard and he is then captured. Later, Trump asks the Vice President, "What on earth made you go 'Mickey Mouse'?!" to which the Vice President responds, "Sorry, I got confused. I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da8xg0/president_trump_is_walking_from_the_white_house/
%
How did the doctor cure the invisible man?

He took him to the ICU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da8sd0/how_did_the_doctor_cure_the_invisible_man/
%
What do you call Batman when he doesn't go to church on Sunday?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da8mfn/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_doesnt_go_to/
%
The body of Mario's former nemesis was found in his jungle province this morning.

It was in a state of DK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da8hx1/the_body_of_marios_former_nemesis_was_found_in/
%
What’s a gay man from Alabama’s favourite game?

Smash Bros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da8eud/whats_a_gay_man_from_alabamas_favourite_game/
%
What's the only difference between a vacuum and a Harley?

Where the dirt bag sits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da8d5f/whats_the_only_difference_between_a_vacuum_and_a/
%
What is the smartest dinosaur?

It is called the Thesaurus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da8cw6/what_is_the_smartest_dinosaur/
%
If at first you don't succeed

Skydiving is not the activity for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da8c7l/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."
The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?"
The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da7xl8/a_little_boy_gets_on_the_public_bus_and_sits/
%
I had to get rid of my vacuum cleaner

All it did was sit in the cupboard and gather dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da7ju2/i_had_to_get_rid_of_my_vacuum_cleaner/
%
We had to say goodbye to the church choir last Sunday.

It was due to unforeseen organ failure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da7gvv/we_had_to_say_goodbye_to_the_church_choir_last/
%
RIP boiled water...

you will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da7g13/rip_boiled_water/
%
Don't ever get abducted by someone with an ear fetish. NSFW

Eventually, you'll end up with hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da7as8/dont_ever_get_abducted_by_someone_with_an_ear/
%
Why do pirates always wash their hands after playing cards?

Because they use a poop deck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da77zy/why_do_pirates_always_wash_their_hands_after/
%
My teacher hated my Powerpoint presentation about the NRA....

Too many bullet points.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da737w/my_teacher_hated_my_powerpoint_presentation_about/
%
Have you guys heard of this new AI robot that can take off all your clothes, and then give you a whole new outfit?

I've seen it change people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da732r/have_you_guys_heard_of_this_new_ai_robot_that_can/
%
I think my ass stopped working...

I can't feel shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da71vr/i_think_my_ass_stopped_working/
%
Have you ever met someone who always has to 1-up your story?

If you think that's bad, I knew this one guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da71m7/have_you_ever_met_someone_who_always_has_to_1up/
%
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da6zrd/when_is_the_worst_time_to_have_a_heart_attack/
%
what does a russian vampire say?

\*\*I'm gonna cyka blyat\*\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da6zmk/what_does_a_russian_vampire_say/
%
What's a spooky ghost's favourite makeup

Ma-SCARE-ya
&nbsp;
*^I'll ^show ^myself ^out...*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da6z9a/whats_a_spooky_ghosts_favourite_makeup/
%
I got a handjob from a blind girl the other day...

She told me it was the biggest she'd ever had.
I said, "Aww, you're just pulling my leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da6vgu/i_got_a_handjob_from_a_blind_girl_the_other_day/
%
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall...

....turns out it was his dumb asphalt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da6ul9/my_neighbor_blamed_my_gravel_for_making_him_fall/
%
Not many people know this but Jesus was gay

He let two guys nail him at the top of a hill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da6rpp/not_many_people_know_this_but_jesus_was_gay/
%
One night, after a romantic meal, I was walking home with my girlfriend, and I decided it would be the right time to propose to her.

So I turned to her, looked her in the eye and got down on one knee. But, as I was grabbing the ring, the old local drunk named Joseph came by. He'd injured his eye and was wearing a cotton patch to cover it. No one knew where he'd once lived and he never told. But, he stumbled over, grabbed my girlfriend and kissed her. She was shocked but also seemingly enjoyed it. She left with him and I never found out where they went. It's been almost 6 years and I still think about it.
So, If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe
I'd be married a long time ago
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da6nmj/one_night_after_a_romantic_meal_i_was_walking/
%
What motivates teens to protest climate change?

They're doing it for the Greta good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da6mgs/what_motivates_teens_to_protest_climate_change/
%
Did you hear about the Cat that won the best dog contest?

It was a cat-has-trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da6lzj/did_you_hear_about_the_cat_that_won_the_best_dog/
%
Three mice are arguing over who is the hardest mouse.

The first mouse says, "I'm so hard I eat cheese with rat poison".
The second mouse says, " That's not as hard as me, I snort rat poison for breakfast".
The third mouse walks away and the others ask why it is leaving. The third mouse states, "I don't have time for this, I'm off to fuck the cat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da6jan/three_mice_are_arguing_over_who_is_the_hardest/
%
I went to the doctor and he told me to stop musterbating

I asked "Why?"
He said "So I can examine you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da6isb/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_told_me_to_stop/
%
Dentist: When did you last floss?

Me:  You should know, you did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da6cfj/dentist_when_did_you_last_floss/
%
You’ve really got to give props to Carrot Top.

And even then he’s not that funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da6c4q/youve_really_got_to_give_props_to_carrot_top/
%
Why couldn't the bike stand up by itself?

It was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da65n3/why_couldnt_the_bike_stand_up_by_itself/
%
Aye shoutout to my grandma

Because that’s the only way that she can hear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da659c/aye_shoutout_to_my_grandma/
%
What is the definition of desperate?

A vampire sucking on a used tampon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da62vi/what_is_the_definition_of_desperate/
%
Did you know there was a nerve that connected your asshole to your eye?

Don't believe me? Pull a hair out of your asshole and tell me that don't bring a tear to your eye :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da5nxt/did_you_know_there_was_a_nerve_that_connected/
%
A man at a bar was getting drunk and rowdy

.   He stood up and said, "All lawyers are assholes!"
Nobody paid him any mind, so he repeated it, a little louder.   "All Lawyers Are Assholes"
Again, no reaction, so now he got up and shouted, "ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!"
A guy approached him and said, "Please stop, you're making me look bad."
"Oh yeah, what are you, a lawyer?"
"No.  I'm an asshole"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da5h6w/a_man_at_a_bar_was_getting_drunk_and_rowdy/
%
Jesus Crust

A priest and a Zen master are making toast.
The priest says "look, there's an image of Jesus in my margarine!"
The Zen master replies "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da5g63/jesus_crust/
%
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da5dod/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
%
Which superhero is also a form of transport?

Bus Lightyear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da4r3u/which_superhero_is_also_a_form_of_transport/
%
What state is the favorite of all prostitutes?

Idaho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da4p5r/what_state_is_the_favorite_of_all_prostitutes/
%
I was walking down the street with a friend and we saw two blind guys fighting

We got closer and I said "My bet is on the one with the knife."
They both ran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da4lfi/i_was_walking_down_the_street_with_a_friend_and/
%
Did you hear what happened to the blind circumsisor?

He got the sack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da4gjb/did_you_hear_what_happened_to_the_blind/
%
This Homework must be making me gay..

Because i can't think straight while doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da4g7x/this_homework_must_be_making_me_gay/
%
I must be getting old

My favorite teen pornstar is now on the MILF sites

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da4di6/i_must_be_getting_old/
%
Goldfish 1: knock knock

Goldfish 2: who's there
Goldfish 1: who's where
Goldfish 2: what

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da4cue/goldfish_1_knock_knock/
%
Wife says to Husband, I am going donate all of my clothes I no longer wear to poor starving African Women:

Husband replies,
If your clothes fit them, they are definitely not starving:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da488j/wife_says_to_husband_i_am_going_donate_all_of_my/
%
What's Trump's least favorite ice cream flavor?

Peach Mint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da3wnd/whats_trumps_least_favorite_ice_cream_flavor/
%
[NSFW] Why are women like condoms?

Because they spend more time in your wallet, than they do your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da3t69/nsfw_why_are_women_like_condoms/
%
What do you call a sniper that supports communism?

A Marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da3eqg/what_do_you_call_a_sniper_that_supports_communism/
%
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da38n4/what_do_you_call_a_french_guy_wearing_sandals/
%
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
"Ah," he said, "that's my altar ego."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da35x1/a_woman_who_lived_next_door_to_a_preacher_was/
%
The word QUEUE is ironic.

It's just a Q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da32dz/the_word_queue_is_ironic/
%
Why is Jesus Christ in such great shape?

He does Crossfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da2tzn/why_is_jesus_christ_in_such_great_shape/
%
Little Johnny (Long)

A teacher asked her class how many of them were Jeremy Corbyn fans.
Not really knowing what a Jeremy Corbyn fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands . . . except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different . . again.
Little Johnny replied, "Because I'm not a Jeremy Corbyn fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a Jeremy Corbyn fan?"
Johnny replied, "Because I'm a Conservative."
The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mum's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Little Johnny replied,
"A Jeremy Corbyn fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da2p22/little_johnny_long/
%
How are women's buttholes and 9 volt batteries alike?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you'll put your tounge  on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da2ni2/how_are_womens_buttholes_and_9_volt_batteries/
%
I made an appointment with my doctor because I couldn’t get an erection.

But I later had to cancel because something came up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da2i2w/i_made_an_appointment_with_my_doctor_because_i/
%
I called a dwarf by the wrong name.

He wasn't Happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da2b2f/i_called_a_dwarf_by_the_wrong_name/
%
I want to lose my virginity just like my mom did

On prom night, to my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da1tm2/i_want_to_lose_my_virginity_just_like_my_mom_did/
%
How do you call the part between grandma's tits?

Her pussy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da1tbl/how_do_you_call_the_part_between_grandmas_tits/
%
Did you hear about the earthquake that destroyed 4046.856 square metres of land during church?

Some people call it a massacre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da1st7/did_you_hear_about_the_earthquake_that_destroyed/
%
What do you call a midget fortune teller who just broke out of prison?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da1oek/what_do_you_call_a_midget_fortune_teller_who_just/
%
What is the difference between Disneyland Paris and Disneyland Chernobyl

The 6ft tall Mouse is real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da1mqn/what_is_the_difference_between_disneyland_paris/
%
Four Pennies

A few years ago, I volunteered with a high school band, who had a performance at a local veteran's home.  After the concert, we spent some time with the residents, listening to their stories.
One gentleman came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke.  I agreed.
He held out a hand with a shiny penny in it. He asked if I could see a snake.   I said no.  He said it was a Copperhead.
He added another penny and asked if I could see a fruit.  I could not, and he said it was a Pear.
He added a third penny and asked if I could see a car.  I stare at the three pennies to no avail.  I could not.  He said it was a Lincoln.  (D'oh!)
He adds a fourth penny and asks if I can see a naked lady.  Now I'm trying to work it out in my head, trying to figure any puns or word play looking at the four pennies.  After a moment, I admit my defeat and tell hem I could not see a naked lady.
He grins and tells me, "and for four pennies, you're not going to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da1mq0/four_pennies/
%
I've got a plan to make everyone in the world simultaneously ejaculate.

It's all coming together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da1itk/ive_got_a_plan_to_make_everyone_in_the_world/
%
Last I remember is taking a photo with my Nokia 3310...

...and then its all blurry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da1h0y/last_i_remember_is_taking_a_photo_with_my_nokia/
%
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da1dxi/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da1da5/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_didnt_understand/
%
Harry Potter became vegan...

Now he only speaks parsleytongue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da1anh/harry_potter_became_vegan/
%
Jokes are like frogs

Because if you dissect them, they die.
Except to use the word "dissect" implies the frog or joke in question is already dead. The correct word choice would be "vivisect," which is the equivalent of a dissection, but with the animal (or joke) still alive. Much like a dissection, vivisections are used mostly for research purposes.
With this in mind, one should say, "Jokes are like frogs, if you vivisect them, they die."
See what I did there? I took the common phrase of "Jokes are like frogs, if you dissect them, they die" and I vivisected it. One would think that I in fact dissected it, but as I previously explained, the joke was very much alive before I started my explanation, thus making it a vivisection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da13mf/jokes_are_like_frogs/
%
A polar bear carries a large freezer into an ice factory....

On his way inside, he's stopped by a penguin wearing a tie and a nametag and carrying a clipboard.
"Why are you bringing a freezer into an ice factory??" The penguin asked.
"I'm a new hire," the polar bear replied, "I brought it with me  because back home it freezes EVERYTHING. I thought it'd help me do my new job better."
"Oh....Oh!" The penguin says, "I get it. I think there must be a misunderstanding. You brought it to 'make' the ice but it's your job to 'BREAK' the ice."
"Oh." Said the Polar Bear. Then after a small  pause he says, "So, why did the polar bear carry a freezer into the ice factory?"
(Nervous about a job interview so just made this joke up. Enjoy some original content)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da0xew/a_polar_bear_carries_a_large_freezer_into_an_ice/
%
Good Friend!

My friends been unwell, took some DVD's, and some ready meals....fingers crossed he's too ill to notice they've gone!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da0wk8/good_friend/
%
Hi! So we thought about a threesome for a long time and we’ve decided to give it a try.

We are one man looking for two women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da0rx9/hi_so_we_thought_about_a_threesome_for_a_long/
%
How do drunk Australians get home after a night out?

They take a Kangaruber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da0qyc/how_do_drunk_australians_get_home_after_a_night/
%
Whats the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle.

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da0lim/whats_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_man_on/
%
Waitress: "Wow, you eat really fast!" Me: "Yeah, I come from a big family."

Waitress: "Oh yeah? How many siblings do you have?"
Me: "None. My parents are just super fat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da0idg/waitress_wow_you_eat_really_fast_me_yeah_i_come/
%
Why can't vegans moan whilst having sex?

They can't accept the fact that a peace of meat could bring them joy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da09ko/why_cant_vegans_moan_whilst_having_sex/
%
My friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't helped that she was still weariness them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sisters funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child even more awkward than it already was...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da07dr/my_friend_got_mad_at_me_because_he_caught_me/
%
A man walks into a library

and asks, "Can I have a cheeseburger?" The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."
The man whispers, "Can I have a cheeseburger?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da04eh/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
%
Religious wars to an atheist's standpoint

are just people fighting over who has the better imaginary friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da02b8/religious_wars_to_an_atheists_standpoint/
%
Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/da00yf/why_cant_you_compare_donald_trump_to_cancer/
%
You know, playing Tetris has taught me a valuable life lesson.

If you try to fit in, you'll disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9zvpz/you_know_playing_tetris_has_taught_me_a_valuable/
%
What's Michael Jackson's favourite element?

Helium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9zuiy/whats_michael_jacksons_favourite_element/
%
Why does Star Platinum make the best psychic?

He can sense people’s oras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9zsb5/why_does_star_platinum_make_the_best_psychic/
%
Recently found out that Stan Lee was an exceptional hockey player.

His very first practice and he already had the Stanley Cup..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9znu5/recently_found_out_that_stan_lee_was_an/
%
I wish the first word I said was "quote"...

....so that just before I die I could say "unquote".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9zn3n/i_wish_the_first_word_i_said_was_quote/
%
A big grizzly bear was taking a shit in the woods and noticed a rabbit taking a shit too. Bear says hey rabbit do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?

No said the rabbit so the bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9zeaz/a_big_grizzly_bear_was_taking_a_shit_in_the_woods/
%
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9zc7p/attending_a_wedding_for_the_first_time_a_little/
%
All the sandwiches in the fridge at work have names on..

Today I ate a sandwich called Kevin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9zalh/all_the_sandwiches_in_the_fridge_at_work_have/
%
I'm obsessed with bad jokes about arenas said in a German accent.

You'll understand venue experience them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9z5jd/im_obsessed_with_bad_jokes_about_arenas_said_in_a/
%
People are usually shocked...

When I tell them I'm not a very good electrician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9z5dm/people_are_usually_shocked/
%
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible"

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9z4ok/doctor_theres_a_patient_on_line_1_that_says_hes/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9z42g/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_took_her/
%
Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them are numbered."
The second responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them are color coded."
The third surgeon said, "I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them are in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimed in, "You know, I like construction workers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over in the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's  no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and butt are interchangeable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9z3l7/five_surgeons_are_discussing_who_the_best/
%
A tennis ball walks into a bar...

The bar man asks: “have you been served?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9z3ax/a_tennis_ball_walks_into_a_bar/
%
It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9z2wk/its_widely_known_that_some_members_of_a_prison/
%
arán is Irish for bread

It's gaelic bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9yzyx/arán_is_irish_for_bread/
%
Hookers don't fart

They prosti-toot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9yyn6/hookers_dont_fart/
%
I don't see why Marvel hasn't tried putting advertisements on Hulk.

He's essentially a giant banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ywtz/i_dont_see_why_marvel_hasnt_tried_putting/
%
My dog Minton has eaten all my shuttlecocks

Badminton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ysy8/my_dog_minton_has_eaten_all_my_shuttlecocks/
%
There was this woman that would go jogging every day.

She’d jog the same exact distance, the same exact route, at the same time each and every day. One day she notices on the pavement below her, as she jogs by, it is written in chalk “WILL”. She doesn’t think anything of it, and continues. The next day, when she’s jogging, at the same exact spot on the ground, she passes and notices the writing has changed. It now says “YOU”. The third day, she jogs by the same spot on the ground, and now it says “MARRY”. After 4 more days of this pattern, she ends up with the following:
Day 1: “WILL”
Day 2: “YOU”
Day 3: “MARRY”
Day 4: “ME”
Day 5: “IN”
Day 6: “MY"
Day 7: “BASEMENT”
On the eighth day, the woman notices there is no longer any writing at all on the spot on the ground, and it has stayed that way ever since.
But me, Will and Marry are still in my basement, waiting for her to this day. If she hasn’t gotten the message by now, I fear she never will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9yowp/there_was_this_woman_that_would_go_jogging_every/
%
What's the difference between blonde and mosquito?

When u slap mosquito he stops to suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9yegk/whats_the_difference_between_blonde_and_mosquito/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair . The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9yap5/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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Ever thought about the rectum

As a whole?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9y7yh/ever_thought_about_the_rectum/
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When the inventor of Tetris, Alexey Pajitnov, died, his coffin was put into the ground.

Then the entire cemetery disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9y438/when_the_inventor_of_tetris_alexey_pajitnov_died/
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I like my nice guys how I like my oil

Extra Virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9y1ds/i_like_my_nice_guys_how_i_like_my_oil/
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I recline my chair,

Aaaahhh... That takes me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9xy5x/i_recline_my_chair/
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I went bald early in life but I still have my comb.

I just can't part with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9xste/i_went_bald_early_in_life_but_i_still_have_my_comb/
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Why was maths always easy for the romans?

Because x was always 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9xssr/why_was_maths_always_easy_for_the_romans/
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A man goes to see his doctor

The doctor tells him he needs to stop masturbating.
He says why?
The doctor says "because I'm trying to examine you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9xnl4/a_man_goes_to_see_his_doctor/
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How does a Redneck find his sister in the woods?

Attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9xasu/how_does_a_redneck_find_his_sister_in_the_woods/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9x8pq/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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One day after school, Wendy was dared by one of her class,ages to climb to the top of the school’s flagpole

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the top and gets her five dollars. Upon reaching home, she told her mom after school, feeling proud of what she did.
“Oh Wendy, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her head in.
Feeling a little wiser, she went back to school the next day. This time the boy offers her ten dollars to climb the pole. Wendy felt that it was easy money, so she went for it once more.
During dinner that night, Wendy told her Mother what happened, who seemed rather upset upon learning what happened.
“Darling, do remember what I said last time? I said he’s just trying to see your underwear.”
Wendy’s expression turned into a sly grin and said “I know, mommy. That’s why I didn’t wear any underwear today.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9x78d/one_day_after_school_wendy_was_dared_by_one_of/
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What would life be like without women..

A pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9wyoe/what_would_life_be_like_without_women/
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A man gets stranded on an island

He walks by the beach, saying loudly "I am fucked I am fucked I am fucked..." Than a bearded man shows up and says, "You are not fucked yet. Follow me" As he does not have anything to do, he follows. The bearded man leads him to a cannibal tribe. The bearded man points to the leader who is sitting on the throne, " Now, throw a big rock to the leader's head." He thinks that idea is stupid, but he does so because he does not have anything to do. He threws the rock, hits the leader in the head and all the tribe looks at him. Than, the bearded man whispers to his ear:
"Now you ARE fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9wvx6/a_man_gets_stranded_on_an_island/
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Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time...

I was shocked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9wvbx/just_opened_my_water_bill_and_my_electricity_bill/
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So there was this recently separated guy...

So there was this recently separated good looking guy, he was just driving to the movies to watch a film that he’d been waiting to see for ages. Anyhow, as he crosses a junction in the road a car came flying out and t-boned him good. ‘Christ sake’ he thought to himself, ‘I’m just getting over losing my woman and just about getting my shit together and now this!’ “Well at least I’m not hurt” he thought to himself.
So he gets out to see if the other driver was alright and to start setting about swapping insurance details and what have you. When a brilliant beautiful blonde woman climbs out her wrecked car. She had everything, perfect hair, a body to die for and legs that went all the way up.  He was stunned, barely able to cobble together a smooth sentence. After a few stutters he asked “are you ok?” To which she says “yes I am thankfully”. They start chatting and really hit it off, he tells her he’s just broken up with his love of his life, just about getting his head sorted and going to watch a movie etc. She has a similar story and now she’s clearly very interested in him and he has now forgotten about his lost love at this point.
She turns to him and says, “do you believe in fate?” He thinks ‘well, I’m starting to!’ He replies “absolutely!” So l she continues to say “well, I believe in fate, I believe that this was meant to happen! In fact I was just on my way to my sisters with a fine bottle of wine to enjoy with her but she blew me off, so I was on the way to go home, it’s a very fine expensive wine and I happen to have two of the best fine cut crystal glasses to go with it. Say, due to us meeting out of fate and as we walked away from this terrible car accident, why don’t we raise a glass to celebrate whilst we wait for the tow trucks and to get sorted. And who knows can maybe continue and have dinner together tonight?!?”
‘God’ he thought...’my lucks in hear!’ Absolutely he eagerly agreed. So she looks in the back of the car and sure enough as fate would have it the fine bottle of wine and two crystal cut glasses are intact and undamaged, she looks at him with a cheeky glint and says “would you look at that, unbroken!” So she pops the cork pours them both a drink. They clink the glasses and he takes a huge swing. So they carry on with small talk, he drinks the glass and she promptly tops him up. He gets though around half the bottle before he notices that’s she had not taken a single sip yet. He finishes laughing at her witty joke and politely asks “are you not going to have any wine with me”
“God, no!” She laughs “I’m gonna wait until police have been”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9wtni/so_there_was_this_recently_separated_guy/
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A CEO, a white worker, and a black worker are sitting at a table.

A waiter comes in with a plate with a dozen cupcakes.  Before the plate hits the table, the CEO reaches over, takes 11 cupcakes from the plate, and stuffs then in his jacket.  Then he leans over to the white worker and whispers in his ear
"That black man is looking looking at your cupcake".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9wnpz/a_ceo_a_white_worker_and_a_black_worker_are/
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As a mom was bribing her child with an ice cream cone to behave, she sighs,

“Why can’t you be good-for-nothing like your dad?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9wmda/as_a_mom_was_bribing_her_child_with_an_ice_cream/
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I think now that we've meemed and raided area 51, we should also raid the Vatican so we can compare...

We could call it Aliens vs Predators

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9wk0q/i_think_now_that_weve_meemed_and_raided_area_51/
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How do you make holy water?

Freeze it and then drill holes in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9wh27/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9wf9g/girls_who_talks_about_girls_problems_are_great/
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When I die, I want my remains scattered in Disneyland

Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9vvc3/when_i_die_i_want_my_remains_scattered_in/
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I did everything I could to get my wife to make love to me. At least I know I gave it my best effort. . .

Before hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9vrtx/i_did_everything_i_could_to_get_my_wife_to_make/
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An boomer classic for you all...

A man was run down by a car in broad daylight.
An ambulance was called, and he was quickly rushed into it. In order to check his mental state, one of the medics started asking him questions about the accident.
"Well, I had just left the store, and was crossing the road to reach my car, when my ex-wife ran me over."
The medic, confused asked "How can you be certain that it was your ex-wife?"
"I would recognise her laugh anywhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9vodr/an_boomer_classic_for_you_all/
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Have you seen the movie constipate yet?

It never came out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9v1gc/have_you_seen_the_movie_constipate_yet/
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Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9us5m/why_did_the_fruit_salad_turn_brown_so_fast/
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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed an unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood.
Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9uoc6/a_jewish_man_was_leaving_a_convenience_store_with/
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What do Superman and a politician have in common?

They both wear a suit and tie when they pretend to be human.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ulw1/what_do_superman_and_a_politician_have_in_common/
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What did Romans do for food when they got caught between cannibalism and veganism?

Caesar Salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9uje4/what_did_romans_do_for_food_when_they_got_caught/
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What do you call a moile in the Harry Potter wizarding world?

Professor Snip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9uhtv/what_do_you_call_a_moile_in_the_harry_potter/
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A man enters a butcher's shop

The man wants to buy some spread sausage: "Good morning, can I get some from the coarse and thick one, please?"
Butcher: "I'm sorry, but she's at trade school today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9uhr0/a_man_enters_a_butchers_shop/
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An atheist, a vegan, and a feminist walked into a bar.

How did I know?
They all admitted it within 5 minutes of being here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ugn1/an_atheist_a_vegan_and_a_feminist_walked_into_a/
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Italian mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, Guido, and after a while he found out his accountant stole 10 million from him.

He goes to pay Guido a visit with his lawyer that knew sign language and to get him to talk where he hid the money.
He tells the lawyer to translate, "Ask him where the money is!"  The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"  Guido replies, "I have no idea what you're talking about."  The lawyer translates to the mobster: "He says he has no idea what you're talking about."  The mobster pulled out a gun, pointed at Guidos head and said, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"  The lawyer tells Guido, "He will kill you if you don't tell him."  Guido replied in sign language, "OK! You won! The money is in brown briefcases, buried behind my Uncle Bruno's house."  Mafioso asks the lawyer, "What does he say?"
Lawyer:
"He says you have no balls to shoot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ueyh/italian_mafia_boss_hired_a_deaf_accountant_guido/
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It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.

He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ub8x/its_been_raining_for_days_now_and_my_husband/
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I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.

But she figured out I was only after my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9uahl/i_tried_to_remarry_my_exwife/
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I decided to quit masturbating and so far it's been a success.

It's just been really hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9u7n4/i_decided_to_quit_masturbating_and_so_far_its/
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What has 4 legs in the morning 2 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs at night?

A dog in Chernobyl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9tvor/what_has_4_legs_in_the_morning_2_legs_in_the/
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Mexican train killers scare me.

They have loco motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ttjd/mexican_train_killers_scare_me/
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You can't just take anyone's cremated remains.

You have to urn them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9tsgg/you_cant_just_take_anyones_cremated_remains/
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I got in touch with my inner self last night.

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9trkz/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_last_night/
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Oldie

The UN organised a 30 minutes meeting where they asked one question to all attendees:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
It was a huge failure.
The Africans didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
None of the Latin American representatives showed up in time.
The Canadians and Australians were watching a rugby-match between their countries and didn't hear the question.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9tget/oldie/
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When you get that funny feeling your wife is going to refuse to have sex with you . . .

It’s a pre dick shun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9tdzd/when_you_get_that_funny_feeling_your_wife_is/
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Why did Gillette hire a PR firm?

They were trying to shave face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9t72l/why_did_gillette_hire_a_pr_firm/
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Sex robot:

Unexpected item in bagging area

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9syza/sex_robot/
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Why do deaf guys like women in yoga pants?

They can read lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9sx4a/why_do_deaf_guys_like_women_in_yoga_pants/
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What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and an Irishman?

Mick Jagger would say hey you get off my cloud.
An Irishman would say hey McLeod get off my ewe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9suwg/whats_the_difference_between_mick_jagger_and_an/
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Rubbing It...

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9sstt/rubbing_it/
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There are 2 reasons why you shouldn't drink toilet water.

Number 1
and
Number 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9skfu/there_are_2_reasons_why_you_shouldnt_drink_toilet/
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Why the head of the penis is larger than the shaft.

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9sige/why_the_head_of_the_penis_is_larger_than_the_shaft/
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What do you call a cow species that can box?

Mike bisons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9sf9g/what_do_you_call_a_cow_species_that_can_box/
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Shawn (yawning): “I’m so freaking tired”

Sean (yeaning): “me too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9sbfl/shawn_yawning_im_so_freaking_tired/
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A limbo champion walked into a bar....

He was disqualified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9sa5i/a_limbo_champion_walked_into_a_bar/
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How are a penis and a Rubik's cube similar?

The more you play with them, the harder they get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9s61o/how_are_a_penis_and_a_rubiks_cube_similar/
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The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9rxyg/the_wise_old_mother_superior_from_county/
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An old lady is walking down the street singing "21 today, 21 today."

A young man beside her snaps "You're not 21 you old bat." With a snap she slams her cane into his head and walks away singing.
"22 today, 22 today." With a smile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ron5/an_old_lady_is_walking_down_the_street_singing_21/
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Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them sees a small mirror on the ground...

She picks it up and looks into it. With a puzzled look on her face, she says to her friend "hmmm this woman looks familiar". Her friend grabs the mirror from her and looks into it. "Of course that woman looked familiar, you idiot. It's me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9riz2/two_blondes_are_walking_down_the_street_when_one/
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Life was so simple before I got married.

I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ra56/life_was_so_simple_before_i_got_married/
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How is sleeping with a woman similar to listening to her talk about her problems?

Chances are she won’t finish...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9r3te/how_is_sleeping_with_a_woman_similar_to_listening/
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What bank do drug testing companies prefer to use?

PNC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9qv74/what_bank_do_drug_testing_companies_prefer_to_use/
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The Chicken and the Horse (Dirty, Long)

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, good friends who enjoyed long leisurely walks together.
One day, their walk brought them to a swamp, in which the horse started to sink. "Quickly!" he cried, "run to the farmer's garage, throw a rope into his BMW, drive it over here, tie me to it, and pull me out!" The chicken, following the horse's directions, successfully saves the horse from drowning in the swamp.
Days later, on another walk, they once again happen upon the swamp, and this time, the chicken gets stuck. "Quick!" she cries, "get me out, same as I did you!"
"Fortunately," the horse answered, "I don't need the rope, or the car." He then proceeded to pull the chicken out by extending his penis out for her to grab onto, thus saving her from sinking in the swamp.
The moral of the story is, when you're hung like a horse, you don't need a beamer to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9qi4o/the_chicken_and_the_horse_dirty_long/
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Yo momma defies the laws of economics

She's got plenty of supply, but there's absolutely no demand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9q6a5/yo_momma_defies_the_laws_of_economics/
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What’s green and smells like pork

Kermit’s fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9q64p/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
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How do 40 year old virgins type their spreadsheets?

Incels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9q5h5/how_do_40_year_old_virgins_type_their_spreadsheets/
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I can't believe some people

Girls remove polish with chemicals all the time, but one guy does it and we apparently need to start a second world war to stop him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9q5c7/i_cant_believe_some_people/
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What’s worse than five babies in a dumpster?

One baby in five dumpsters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9pwsx/whats_worse_than_five_babies_in_a_dumpster/
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What does a shit farmer use to build his shit fence?

shit post

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9pwdu/what_does_a_shit_farmer_use_to_build_his_shit/
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3 couples die and go to heaven. St Peter is at the gate. He is asking each couple for their names ...

“Bill and Penny” The first couple say.
“I’m sorry but I cannot let anyone in who has a name associated with money” St Peter tells them.
“Jack and Brandy” The second couple say.
“I’m sorry but I cannot let anyone in who has a name associated with alcohol” St Peter tells them.
“Hey Fanny, I think we’re screwed” Dick says to his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9puw6/3_couples_die_and_go_to_heaven_st_peter_is_at_the/
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What is brown and sticky?

The prime minister of Ukraine's nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ppiz/what_is_brown_and_sticky/
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How can you put a pin back into a hand grenade?

I need quick answers guys plea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9pofq/how_can_you_put_a_pin_back_into_a_hand_grenade/
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What did the crow starting a charity say?

Would you like to support our caws?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9poe4/what_did_the_crow_starting_a_charity_say/
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What is a charger's favorite group ?

AC DC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9pnwp/what_is_a_chargers_favorite_group/
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My 7 year old son said he wanted a treehouse in our back garden.

25 years growing that tree and now he says he doesn't want it anymore... Ungrateful bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9pfde/my_7_year_old_son_said_he_wanted_a_treehouse_in/
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John was starting to worry about his 12 year old son Jack.

Jack was a D student, and only because John helped complete all of Jack's homework. Jack wasn't good at sports. He didn't have many friends. And it seemed like once a week he was getting called into the principal's office for some sort of misbehavior. So John told Jack, in a last ditch effort to get his son to commit to something, that Jack was going to join the school band. Jack protested, but John put his foot down.
Then the next day, John got a call at the office. He answered, "Hello?" A voice asked, "Is this John Robertson?" "Yes," John said. "Jack Robertson's father?" "...Yes," John said, a little worried. "This is Sam Thompson, I'm the music teacher at Jack's school." John sighed. "What has he done now?"
"Well," Sam said, "It turns out we have a real Elvis Presley on our hands."
It took John a second to register, because it caught him by such surprise. That was maybe the kindest thing anyone had ever said about his son. Despite himself, John felt tears burn behind his eyes, a feeling of fatherly pride bubbling up, possibly for the first time ever. His breath caught for a moment before he asked, "Really? Jack is--Jack's good at music?"
"Oh no no no," Sam said, "He's dead on the toilet."
[I think I saw this here before, admittedly, but I wanted to flesh it out a little and build up John's hope to further darken the punchline].

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9peji/john_was_starting_to_worry_about_his_12_year_old/
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I'm not pessimistic

I'm actually very optimistic that everything in my life will go wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9pam8/im_not_pessimistic/
%
Landlord tells blonde she has to suck his dick to pay rent

She blows him, swallows, and says, "Now can I pay rent?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9p7og/landlord_tells_blonde_she_has_to_suck_his_dick_to/
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Got pulled over for drink driving and had to give a urine sample.

But clever me drank it before it could be analysed.
Now I'm getting charged with taking the piss:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9oy9e/got_pulled_over_for_drink_driving_and_had_to_give/
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How did the Virgin Mary know it was time to give birth to Jesus?

Her wine broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ohti/how_did_the_virgin_mary_know_it_was_time_to_give/
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What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?

Seizure Salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9odiu/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_in_a_vegetable/
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What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

You can't make a vita min.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ocno/whats_the_difference_between_a_hormone_and_a/
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What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9o85w/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)
It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.
So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in my pants. We will go to the first bar and drink a couple of beers until they ask for payment. I'll draw the sausage out and you suck on the sausage until we get kicked out!"
John agreed thinking about all those free beers.
So they went to the first bar, drank each 3 beers until the bartender asked for payment. Mike unzipped his pants and John went on to suck on the sausage. They got kicked out directly.
Happy with the result, they went on to the second bar. And John went wild with the sausage at the end. This went on for 4 more bars.
Being kicked out at the 6th bar, both being very drunk, they agreed to walk home. John heard his stomach growling and was very hungry.
John:"hey Mike, can you pass me the sausage, I'm hungry mate"
Mike replied:"mate, I was also hungry and ate the sausage after the third bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9o3d9/free_drinking_with_a_sausage/
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NSFW: What did Bin Laden say when he landed on Hawaii?

Aloha-Akbar!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9nweg/nsfw_what_did_bin_laden_say_when_he_landed_on/
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I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ntdb/im_american_and_i_bleed_red_white_and_blue/
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Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9nsn1/can_you_imagine_how_awesome_ancient_roman_porn/
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A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil says he can choose his punishment.

Before him are three doors, leading to the different areas of hell where punishments are handed out.  In the first room, the floor is covered with smoldering embers.  A few dozen people are in the room, all in terrible agony from being forced to walk around barefoot on the hot coals.  "Nah, too hot" says the guy.  In the second room, the floor is covered in thumbtacks.  Again, several dozen people are in the room, in agonizing terror from being forced to walk barefoot on the sharp tacks.  "Nah, too spiky" he says.  In the last room, there are no spikes, there are no flames, but the floor is covered in three feet of shit.  Everyone is just sort of standing around; although waist-deep in foul-smelling shit, none seem to be in any physical pain, and a few of them are even smoking cigarettes or drinking from coffee mugs.  "This doesn't look so bad," says the guy, "I'll take this one!"  "So it is done," says the devil, and makes a mark on his clipboard, then raises his head and addresses the room: "Alright everyone, break's over.  Back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9nrsb/a_guy_dies_and_goes_to_hell_the_devil_says_he_can/
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What’s the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and Diarrhea. Your running, but can’t remember where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9nhzu/whats_the_worst_combination_of_illnesses/
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Three horses are arguing in a stable

Each one is convinced they are a better racer than the other two. Thus, the three bicker and brag and talk over one another.
"Now see here, see here!" Says the first horse. "I have been racing for four years, and every summer of those ten years I have come in first every race I ran!"
"That's pathetic you old has-been," says the second horse. "I once went an entire year getting first place in all my races!"
"You think that's impressive?" says the first horse. "Why I've gotten first place so many times I have lost track!"
The three horses continue to argue, loudly at that. Nearby is an old greyhound trying to take a nap. Fed up with all the senseless bickering, he jumps up and yells at the horses.
"Hey!" the old dog yells. "I'll have you know that I raced for a very, very long time and I didn't once lose a single race! I ran and I sweat and bled until I couldn't anymore. I went out on top, so do you think maybe I deserve half an hour of shut-eye?"
All three horses stare at him in stunned silence, trading glances of surprise until the first horse pipes up.
"Did that dog just fucking talk?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9nau9/three_horses_are_arguing_in_a_stable/
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A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.
Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-
Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.
Blonde: How about my car? It is right in front of the bank entrance.
The teller takes a look through the glass door: Very well, this car is valuable enough.
The blonde and the teller exchange keys and loan. After that, the blonde walks off with her trolleys and gets to her airplane.
Two weeks later she returns to the bank with her trolleys and sees the teller she had received her loan from 2 weeks ago.
The blonde approaches the teller: Hello mister. I have taken a loan of $1000,- from you and I wish to return it today and get my car back.
Teller: Very well, I accept your payment of $1000,- with an additional $5,- as interest. If you pay off the total of $1005,- , then you will get your car keys back.
The blonde and the teller exchange the money for the car keys. Before the blonde walks off, the teller asks her one last question.
Teller: Excuse my curiosity, but why did you leave your car for security in exchange of that small amount of money?
The blonde smiles back: Because nowhere else you can park that close to an airport for just 5 bucks for two weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9n781/a_blonde_wants_to_travel_abroad/
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In the great desert lived a bunch of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice. When he said he wanted to shave, the council-men were shocked. One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, dire? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware." Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.
He was headstrong, so went ahead and cut and scraped away his magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.
The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9n630/in_the_great_desert_lived_a_bunch_of_nomads_their/
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A man goes to a casino

He stays there the whole day and he's always losing. The next day he comes once again and loses everything. The third day he does the same and the dealer asks him what his job was so he could afford to lose so much money and he says that earning money has to do with personality. He says: "I for example earn 12 thousand dollars per month and I have a very charismatic friend who says things that melt your heart and he is paid 3 thousand dollars per month. Then I have a very athletic friend who is paid to be taken pictures of and he earns 4 thousand dollars per month. Also a friend of mine is very intelligent and he earns 5 thousand dollars per month." The dealer then asks:" So what type of person are you if you are making so much money? " The man proceeds to answer:" I am the one who reposts all their shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9n3b3/a_man_goes_to_a_casino/
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A story about a woman

Once upon a time, there was a woman, she got pregnant and was going to have triplets. Her ultrasound showed that she’s going to have 2 daughters and 1 son. The woman got shot 3 times in her stomach, each bullet to each child. The kids were fine, though. The kids got their birth and the woman was really happy.
5 years past, 1 of the 2 girls came up to her mother crying, having bullet on her hand:
”Mom, mom! I was in the toilet and this came out!”
The mother told the story to the girl and the girl calm down.
Another 5 years past and the other girl came to her mother bullet on her hand, the girl cried and said:
”Mom, I was in the toilet and this came out!”
The mother told the story and the girl calm down.
Yet another 5 years past and the boy came up to his mother bullet on his hand:
”Mom, mom! I...”
Mom: ”I know, you were in the toilet and that came out.”
The boy: ”No, I did a little wank and accidentally shot our dog!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9moom/a_story_about_a_woman/
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What does a millennial cowboy say?

Yeet Haw!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9mkw1/what_does_a_millennial_cowboy_say/
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I had to break up with my neurosurgeon girlfriend

She was messing with my head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9mje0/i_had_to_break_up_with_my_neurosurgeon_girlfriend/
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A male giraffe walks into a bar

And says “Highballs on me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9mj59/a_male_giraffe_walks_into_a_bar/
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One day at my house I heard my mum scream...

I went into the room and said "whats happened", she points at this tiny spider and says "take that god damn spider out". So I did...... we went to a bar, a pub and smoked a joint. Nice guy actually he has 2 kids and a wife.... oh yeah he works as web developer too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9m91h/one_day_at_my_house_i_heard_my_mum_scream/
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

You barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9m6xl/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
%
My dog's name is Minton...

Today he ate all my shuttlecocks
Bad Minton!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9m1wt/my_dogs_name_is_minton/
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I can’t make a good chemistry joke...

All the good ones argon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9m1lj/i_cant_make_a_good_chemistry_joke/
%
How many boy scouts does take to change a lightbulb?

One. But it takes a few days, because he only gives it a good turn daily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9lpq1/how_many_boy_scouts_does_take_to_change_a/
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What did the hacker say during sex?

I'm in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9lo7h/what_did_the_hacker_say_during_sex/
%
A good romance starts with a foundation of friendship and respect.

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma, gaga ooh la-la.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9lcgf/a_good_romance_starts_with_a_foundation_of/
%
A vulture walks into a plane carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looked at him and said, “I’m sorry sir, but we have a strict limit of one carrion per passenger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9labx/a_vulture_walks_into_a_plane_carrying_two_dead/
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There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9l4i2/theres_a_man_trying_to_cross_the_street_as_he/
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Video

Did a video of my hubby playing the piano with his toes... Great footage...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9kvhh/video/
%
I was sitting on the toilet and having a poop when the clock struck midnight.

Same shit, different day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9kv3v/i_was_sitting_on_the_toilet_and_having_a_poop/
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How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, I haven't found anybody who fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ksnd/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A king was skeptical of his wife cheating on him with one of the generals, so before his out of the country trip

He inserts a razor blade in her vagaina. After his return to the kingdom,2 weeks later, he has all of his  generals line up and orders them to pull down their pants. All of them had a cut besides one general.
The king says to the general  " you're my most loyal general, all these people have betrayed me with my wife but you, I will appoint you my vice king."
The general replies"thir, yet thir. I will alawyth do my betht to therve you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9krlv/a_king_was_skeptical_of_his_wife_cheating_on_him/
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Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9kp8d/human_life_explained/
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What is Fonzie’s favorite type of corn?

Ayyy-corn.
I’ll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ko9p/what_is_fonzies_favorite_type_of_corn/
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What's a cheerleader's favorite fruit?

Pompomegranate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9kkqg/whats_a_cheerleaders_favorite_fruit/
%
Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go".......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9kjt2/trump_has_a_heart_attack_and_dies_he_goes_to_hell/
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God boomed, "Adam, this is Eve. You are to love her forever!" Adam replied, "Okay, but who is he?"

God shrugged, "Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9khnq/god_boomed_adam_this_is_eve_you_are_to_love_her/
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I HATE IT WHEN...

I hate it when guys call their girlfriends their "partner in crime".
Like we get it dude she's underage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9kcxb/i_hate_it_when/
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My dog Minton has eaten all of my shuttlecocks.

Badminton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9k9k7/my_dog_minton_has_eaten_all_of_my_shuttlecocks/
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6ix9ine will escape prison no matter what.

Because mumle rappers never finish their sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9k20x/6ix9ine_will_escape_prison_no_matter_what/
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A Man walkes into a Bar

He orders a shot of tequilla and the bar tender asks "would you like to try our challenge?"
The man confused, said "what challenge". The Bar tender then states " see those slices of meat on the ceiling?". The man looks up and sees 2 slices of red meat on the brick roof.  Then the man says "what do I have to do."  The bar tender said "if you hit both of the slices, you get a lifetime of free drinks, but if you dont you have to pay for everybodys drink."  The man thinks for a minute and says "Nah ill pass, The stakes are too high"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9k15d/a_man_walkes_into_a_bar/
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Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.
Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9k0oj/could_you_imagine_if_trump_actually_moved_the/
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I told a suicide bomber she looked fat

Boy, that really blew up in my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9jzms/i_told_a_suicide_bomber_she_looked_fat/
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2019 has Mono

Its symptoms are likely caused by the Epstein-Barr virus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9juw2/2019_has_mono/
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I have come up with a new sex move.

Guy sticks dick in pussy, girl shoves fist in her own ass. girl somehow feels for dick and when she knows where she gives him a handjob inside of her. I call it 9/11 because its an inside job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9jkvs/i_have_come_up_with_a_new_sex_move/
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Little Johnny has issues at school [Long] NSFW

Little Johnny: Dad my math teacher has called you to school
Dad: and why’s that ?
Little Johnny : he asked what’s 6x9 and I said 54. He then asked what’s 9x6...
Dad: isn’t that the same fucking question again?
Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !?!
Next day
Little Johnny: Dad did you go to see my teacher?
Dad : No
Little Johnny: Don’t bother. You’ll need to see the principal now.
Dad: what now ?!?
Little Johnny: the PE teacher asked me to lift my left arm first, then my right arm, then my left foot and then my right foot !
Dad: what the fuck ! Were you supposed to stand on your Dick?
Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said!
Next day
Little Johnny: Dad did you see my principal?
Dad: not yet. I’ll go tomorrow.
Little Johnny: too late. I’ve been suspended for for a week now.
Dad: and what’s that for?
Little Johnny: I was called to the principal’s office today. The math teacher, PE teacher and the English teacher were already there.
Dad: what the fuck did the mother fucking English teacher have to do with any of this fuck wittery?
Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9jedo/little_johnny_has_issues_at_school_long_nsfw/
%
Juggling seems fun

But i just dont have the balls to do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9j75f/juggling_seems_fun/
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A drunk guy walks into a bar...

He says: "Bartender, Pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill."
The bartender does just that and hands him the bill. The drunk goes: "Oh I don't have enough money"
The bartender slaps him a few times and tosses him out.
The next day the same guy walks into the bar, drunk again.
He says: Bartender, Pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill."
The bartender thinks that no-one would be stupid enough to pull that trick twice, so he gives the drunk the benefit of the doubt and pours everyone a drink, including himself.
He hands the drunk the bill and, just like last time, he goes: "I don't have enough money."
The bartender slaps him silly and tosses him out.
The next day he walks in *Again,* and says: "Pour everyone on this side of the bar a drink."
The bartender goes: "What, no drink for me?"'
The guy says: "No way, you get violent when you drink!"
(From my favourite radio stations "Joke of the day")

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9iz4v/a_drunk_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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It's very cold one night...

A little bird is sitting in a tree trying to get some sleep but overnight it gets very cold and the little bird freezes.  Unable to use his wings, he drops out of the tree and falls to the ground below.
A nearby cow hears the thud and wanders over to investigate.  Seeing the frozen little bird and being a sympathetic cow, she turns around and does a massive cow pat over the top of the bird.
The little bird starts to thaw out from the heat of the steaming turd and feeling joy at being alive, sticks his head out of the pile of poo and starts to sing at the top of his voice!
A passing cat hears the song and pulls the bird out of the poo, cleans him up and then eats him!
The moral of the story is - not everyone who craps on you is your enemy. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.  And most importantly, if you're in the shit, keep your mouth shut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ivss/its_very_cold_one_night/
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I'm doing one of those escape rooms today...

Well, work.. I'm going to work.
But I'm trying to figure out how to get out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9iv7k/im_doing_one_of_those_escape_rooms_today/
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Words and phrases can change so much over time

‘Black market’ meant something entirely different 200 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9iu52/words_and_phrases_can_change_so_much_over_time/
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All the people in my sewing class thinks I’m the worst they have ever seen.

Shit. Wrong thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9inos/all_the_people_in_my_sewing_class_thinks_im_the/
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A woman is bathing her 7 year old son, the kid looks at his wrinkled ballsack and asks...

Mom, is this my brain?
The mother replies: not yet son, not yet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9inda/a_woman_is_bathing_her_7_year_old_son_the_kid/
%
A man walks into an elevator and asks the woman beside him "Can I smell your vagina?"

"No!" She replies. The man sighs with relief "Oh. Then it must be your feet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9iglm/a_man_walks_into_an_elevator_and_asks_the_woman/
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(NSFW) Whats the worst part about eating a vegetable?

Putting her back in the wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9i6lx/nsfw_whats_the_worst_part_about_eating_a_vegetable/
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I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9i5l5/i_believe_in_the_vagina_like_other_people_believe/
%
A girl was excited class was over

It was the end of her period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9i0fd/a_girl_was_excited_class_was_over/
%
A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket . . .

Pails in comparison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9i0ac/a_plastic_bucket_vs_a_metal_bucket/
%
I went to view a house yesterday with period features...

She hates it when I call her that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9hzxh/i_went_to_view_a_house_yesterday_with_period/
%
I have a step ladder,

because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9hrww/i_have_a_step_ladder/
%
Why is it not good to hear high pitched sounds?

It hertz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9hmu8/why_is_it_not_good_to_hear_high_pitched_sounds/
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I like my girlfriends like i like my jokes

They should never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9hmj7/i_like_my_girlfriends_like_i_like_my_jokes/
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Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light..

But I suck at flirting, so I'm in the dark on this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9hfyb/advice_needed_i_was_asked_to_turn_on_a_light/
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I can describe stupidity with one letter

me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9hf6a/i_can_describe_stupidity_with_one_letter/
%
I bought coconut shampoo the other day

When I got home I realised I didn't even have a coconut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9herh/i_bought_coconut_shampoo_the_other_day/
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3 Men are stranded in the middle of nowhere as their car broke down.

They suddenly see a house in the distance and decide to seek assistance but decide to go individually as they do not want to alarm the home owner. So the first guy approaches the house and is greeted by the most hideous old lady he has ever seen and he asks "hey, is there by chance you have a telephone so i can call a tow?" she responds "Certainly but you gotta fuck me first" He books it to his buddies. He warns them that there is a not so attractive old lady that will assist for sexual favors. The Second guy says "Ahh bro you're full of shit... I'll give her the D and we'll be set" The second guy approaches the house and takes one good look at her and Books it like a bat out of hell. The Third guy being very clever approaches the house and asks her for assistance to which she says "I have a brand new Jeep out back, I'll give you that if you can fuck me" He responds "okay. but you gotta close your eyes" The old lady does and he grabs a cob of corn and goes to town on her and throws it out the window. "My god that was wild. I never felt that way in years. if you can do that again, I'll give you 1 million dollars for spending" "no Problem. just close your eyes" and he grabs another cob of corn and goes to work on her again and throws it out the window. The old lady can barely stand but wants one more "If you can give a 3rd time, I'll give you another million dollars" "close your eyes" and he grabs one more cob of corn and gives her the O of her dreams and throws the corn out the window and passes out asleep.
He meets up with his buddies in the new Jeep and 2 million dollars and says "get in guys, we got a long trip" to which they respond "Yes! Let's get out of here but holy shit these are the most juciest cobs of corn ever!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9hdwb/3_men_are_stranded_in_the_middle_of_nowhere_as/
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Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9hcow/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
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[OC] Why did i laugh at the blind girl that jerked me off?

She couldent see it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9hcfk/oc_why_did_i_laugh_at_the_blind_girl_that_jerked/
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A granddad walks up to a priest to make a confession...

A granddad walks up to a priest to make a confession.
\- Dear Father, forgive me for I have sinned - I hid a jewish family in my cellar during the war.
\- But this isn't a sin, in fact you have done a god thing!
\- But father, I charged them 100 euros per week!
\- Well you risked your life and if they agreed to this then it's still not a sin.
Granddad walks away but then returns in a short while, saying:
\- Then maybe I should let them know the war is now over?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9haps/a_granddad_walks_up_to_a_priest_to_make_a/
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Yesterday, I peed into the middle of the water for maximum noise

Now I am not allowed at a baptism anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9hai9/yesterday_i_peed_into_the_middle_of_the_water_for/
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Two police officers crash their car into a tree.

After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, thats got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9h5zr/two_police_officers_crash_their_car_into_a_tree/
%
What did the painting say in its defense?

I've been framed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9h4d9/what_did_the_painting_say_in_its_defense/
%
I saw a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long.

I called it a πthon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9gu4m/i_saw_a_snake_thats_exactly_314_meters_long/
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Why are the midgets at gay orgies so arrogant?

Because they all get a little cocky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9gl22/why_are_the_midgets_at_gay_orgies_so_arrogant/
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Bank robbery...

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors
But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.
Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9gfl3/bank_robbery/
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I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9gfdg/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_for_my_number/
%
My grandfather has the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban at the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9gcwz/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
i see my boyfriend crying one day

I ask him whats wrong. he replies, “the world is flat!” “no it’s not silly,” i say, to try to comfort him. “but you’re my world”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9g5if/i_see_my_boyfriend_crying_one_day/
%
I ate the exam paper

Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9g4fv/i_ate_the_exam_paper/
%
Jack was feeling happy

Happy felt disgusted and ran away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9g0d3/jack_was_feeling_happy/
%
Diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9fzw2/diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
In a survey, 5% of straight men said they liked slim thighs on a woman and 10% said they liked thicc thighs on a woman.

The rest of them preferred something in between.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9fzp7/in_a_survey_5_of_straight_men_said_they_liked/
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How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

Zero because they don't like change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9fy6e/how_many_baby_boomers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Addicted.

So, my 9 year old nephew says to his mum "Mum, i've got a joke for you"
"Okay" she says hesitantly.
"Okay, I'm going to ask you a series of questions, but i'm going to give you the answer to the questions at the start"
"Okay, go"
"So, the answer is 'addicted'. Now here are the questions. People who can't kick a smoking habit are what?"
"Addicted"
"People who have problem with drugs are what?"
"Addicted"
"What slapped you in the face last night?"
"..."
And it was about this point where his mum wasn't sure whether to flog him, or laugh at him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9fupd/addicted/
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9funx/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_palm/
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Followed the instructions for my password but they didn’t work

It said, “Type Password”
So I entered, “Password”
Then it told me, “Your Password is Incorrect”
So I entered, “Incorrect”
To which it said, “Try Again”
So I typed, “Again”
But now for some reason I can’t do anything because it thinks my account name is “Locked Out”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9fohv/followed_the_instructions_for_my_password_but/
%
Don't you hate it

when people don't finish their

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9fll0/dont_you_hate_it/
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What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture only needs one nail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9fey1/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens, how many didn't?

Ten

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9felk/there_are_thirty_cows_and_twenty_eight_chickens/
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Why were the 2 cows fighting?

They had beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9fdpy/why_were_the_2_cows_fighting/
%
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same roles.

You know what they say about old habits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9fc93/of_course_bruce_willis_is_going_to_keep_playing/
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How do you get a Kleenex to dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9f47c/how_do_you_get_a_kleenex_to_dance/
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People from earth are called Earthlings.

People from Mars are called Martians.
People from Uranus are called Assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9f1bu/people_from_earth_are_called_earthlings/
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Wife: "I'm pregnant."

Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9eyh4/wife_im_pregnant/
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What’s the difference between the president of Ukraine, and the president of the United States?

The president of Ukraine is a comedian, the president of the United States is a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9eq5o/whats_the_difference_between_the_president_of/
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What do you call a dinosaur that never skips chest day?

Tyranno-Sorest Pecs
...I’ll show myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9epaa/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_that_never_skips/
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Blonde joke that you never heard before

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home and spotted the young woman standing waist-deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly towards her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde struggled with the gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration........
"CRAP!! THIS ONE IS BAREFOOT TOO!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9el8q/blonde_joke_that_you_never_heard_before/
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85% of women say their ass is too fat, 10% say their ass is too skinny

The other 5% say he’s my husband and I accept him how he is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ei16/85_of_women_say_their_ass_is_too_fat_10_say_their/
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What's blue and not heavy at all?

Light blue.
My favorite dad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9eb31/whats_blue_and_not_heavy_at_all/
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What did one gamer say to the other in the shower

Get gud scrub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ea6v/what_did_one_gamer_say_to_the_other_in_the_shower/
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A woman was throwing darts at a bar when an attractive young man approached her. He said, "Excuse me, miss?"

And so she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9e58c/a_woman_was_throwing_darts_at_a_bar_when_an/
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Why did the blonde throw out all her rings?

She read that Juuls can kill you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9dy7w/why_did_the_blonde_throw_out_all_her_rings/
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Why are women and children evacuated first during disasters?

So the men can have some peace and quiet to think of a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9dnkp/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_during/
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What is a procrastinator's favorite condiment?

Ketchup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9dmxi/what_is_a_procrastinators_favorite_condiment/
%
I never get stuck in the friend-zone

Mostly because I don't have any friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9dm5g/i_never_get_stuck_in_the_friendzone/
%
Beaver jokes

Can be pretty dam funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9dkzf/beaver_jokes/
%
3 women are out on the town for a girl's night.

After 3 hours at the local bar, they are all completely hammered and finding a cab was difficult, so they all decided to walk home. After about 20 minutes they had to piss but no place was open as it was past 3AM however they found a cemetery that was discreet for them all to urinate. The First woman goes first by a tree and ruins her panties and throws them away, The Second one squats behind a bush but she had on really expensive underwear and did not want to ruin them and places them in her purse and uses leaves to clean up. The Third lady pees right by a wreath and uses a piece of paper to clean up.
The next morning, their 3 husbands are having coffee together talking about their wives coming home.
Husband 1: I have no idea what happened last night but my wife came home and she wasn't wearing her underwear...
Husband 2: Mine came home without her panties as well yet I found them hanging out of her purse
Husband 3: You thing that's bad? Mine came home with a card stuck on her butt saying "From all of us at the Fire Department, We'll never forget you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9dky7/3_women_are_out_on_the_town_for_a_girls_night/
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An exhausted woman goes to see the doctor...

who asks her how she is sleeping.
She says, not much, because I like having sex.
The doctor asks her how often she has sex.
She replies, Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
She says, I can't. It's the only night I am home with my husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9dhlz/an_exhausted_woman_goes_to_see_the_doctor/
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As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9da6a/as_an_employee_in_the_health_care_industry_i_make/
%
A pack of geese is a gaggle

But a pack of camels is why my dad never came back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9d5q7/a_pack_of_geese_is_a_gaggle/
%
If you take care of hens..

You are a chicken tender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9d3qx/if_you_take_care_of_hens/
%
What're the most popular cookies in Asgard?

Thoreos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9d216/whatre_the_most_popular_cookies_in_asgard/
%
A little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Grampa, make a noise like a frog." Grampa asks, "Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?"

The little girl responds, "Cause Daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9cz5l/a_little_girl_goes_to_her_grandpa_and_says_grampa/
%
A group of crows were receiving their PhDs at their college's commencement ceremony when the police showed up.

They all were arrested for third-degree murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9cucm/a_group_of_crows_were_receiving_their_phds_at/
%
What’s the last thing to go through a bugs head when it hits your windshield?

Their ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9cp9s/whats_the_last_thing_to_go_through_a_bugs_head/
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“Doctor!! I told you, I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat. Why do you keep calling me a liar!?”

Doctor:  “Sir I’ll say it again, that’s A- Fib.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9co3v/doctor_i_told_you_ive_got_fatigue_and_my_heart/
%
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $2.50 and deer nuts are just under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9cnbt/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
I must be a God.

Because I don't believe in myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9cjh0/i_must_be_a_god/
%
[LONG] [NSFW] Two guys are in a boat fishing

One guys pulls out a cigarette and says to the other, "Hey man, do you have a light?"
The other guy goes into his tacklebox and pulls out a 10-inch lighter and hands it to him.
As he lights his cigarette, he says "Hey that's really neat, where did you get a lighter this big?"
"Oh, I have a genie in my tacklebox" and opens it up and a genie pops out.
The genie says "Since you're friends with my master I'll grant you a free wish"
Without hesitation the man says"I wish for a million bucks!"
*Snap* the genie disappears and the sky turns grey and starts thundering.
All of a sudden a million ducks start raining from the clouds.
"Hey what gives? This isn't what I wished for!"
His friend says,"Oh I forgot to mention he's a little hard of hearing. Do you really think I wished for a 10-inch BIC?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9cd5u/long_nsfw_two_guys_are_in_a_boat_fishing/
%
Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?

He broke the G string and fingered A Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9c0of/why_did_the_guitar_teacher_go_to_jail/
%
Why was the broom late for the meeting?

It overswept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9bvqt/why_was_the_broom_late_for_the_meeting/
%
Wife won a lottery

Wife, cheering happily, decided to go to a trip and called: "Honey! Start packing!"
Husband: "For the hot or cold weather?"
Wife: "I don't care, just begone when I get back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9bpn6/wife_won_a_lottery/
%
Got this friend who always drops french fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They're dropping like fries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9boyf/got_this_friend_who_always_drops_french_fries/
%
I’m not gonna need glasses next year

it will be 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9bfqr/im_not_gonna_need_glasses_next_year/
%
”What doesn’t kill you, makes you smaller.”

-Mario

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9beza/what_doesnt_kill_you_makes_you_smaller/
%
Stalin wakes up ealy one morning and walks onto his balcony to see the sunrise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.
"And a very good morning to you, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.
Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun"
"And a very good afternoon to you, Comrade Stalin" the Sun replies.
As he goes for his evening jog on the Kremlin's grounds, he says, "Good evening, Comrade Sun"
No response.
"I said 'Good evening, Comrade Sun'" Stalin says with his anger rising.
The Sun replies, "Fuck you, I'm in the West now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9bewd/stalin_wakes_up_ealy_one_morning_and_walks_onto/
%
I was watching TV and my wife sat next to me

Wife: "What's on the TV?"
Me: "Dust."
And so the fight began...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9be1e/i_was_watching_tv_and_my_wife_sat_next_to_me/
%
The Lie Detector

A man buys a robot shaped like an arm and a hand and brings it home to his wife and son.
Son: "What is it?"
Dad: "It's a lie detector robot. It slaps people who lie."
Son: "No way!"
Dad: "It really is. Here let's try it: why weren't you at school today?"
Son (defensive): "I WAS at school!"
The robot slaps the son.
Son: "OK! OK! I snuck out with a friend to watch a movie!"
Dad: "Oh... Which movie was it?"
Son:"...The new Marvel one...'Spider-Man Far From'..."
The robot slaps the son. \*SMACK\*
Son: "OK! OK! It was a porn movie!"
Dad (horrified): "WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT PORN WAS!!!"
The robot slaps the father. \*SMACK\*
The mother laughs out loud: "Well, at least this joke isn't a repost."
The robot slaps the mother. \*SMACK\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9bbiv/the_lie_detector/
%
What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his submarine sandwich?

There goes my hero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9baw5/what_did_dave_grohl_say_when_he_dropped_his/
%
Man and wife were making up a password for their new laptop

Man: "Hmm... I think it should be MYPENIS."
Wife types that in and stats laughing.
Man: "Why are you laughing?"
Wife turns the screen to him.
Man reads: "ERROR! NOT LONG ENOUGH"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9b92c/man_and_wife_were_making_up_a_password_for_their/
%
I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the paper

So I entered my sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9b2fa/i_saw_an_ad_for_an_innuendo_competition_in_the/
%
I once knew a homeless man named Cuatro Cinco. He would stand on the corner all day yelling, "Count 1,2,3... Count 1,2,3!!!"

One day I asked him,"Why should I count 1,2,3?"
He replied, "Because, Cuatro Cinco says!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9asd0/i_once_knew_a_homeless_man_named_cuatro_cinco_he/
%
Elephant

I bought my friend a rather large elephant for his room.  He said thanks. I said don’t mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9appz/elephant/
%
My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ap0p/my_friend_is_making_a_lot_of_easy_money_by/
%
Why was the gay man confused about his diagnosis?

No doctor would give it to him straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9alzg/why_was_the_gay_man_confused_about_his_diagnosis/
%
A man orders a pizza

Waiter: "Shall I cut it to 6 or 12 slices?"
Man: "6... I couldn't eat 12"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9ace3/a_man_orders_a_pizza/
%
I wanted to be a mime artist

But I’m shit at drawing mimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9a3zr/i_wanted_to_be_a_mime_artist/
%
A woman returns to her room in the old age home to find another old lady with her hands on her husband's pants.

She is furious: “What does she have that I don't?” “Parkinson”, answers the husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9a39p/a_woman_returns_to_her_room_in_the_old_age_home/
%
A man walks out of a bar...

...and the bartender shouts, "yeah well this joke is shit and nobody likes you anyway!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9a32h/a_man_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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At school we discussed the great rulers.

I opted for the helix 30cm shatterproof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9a2bw/at_school_we_discussed_the_great_rulers/
%
[OC] My dentist told me that he needed to look for cavities.

I just wish he had put a glove on before he stuck his finger up my ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9a1zd/oc_my_dentist_told_me_that_he_needed_to_look_for/
%
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You’ll get jurasskicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9a0g4/why_should_you_never_fight_a_dinosaur/
%
A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d99yrf/a_guy_goes_into_a_luncheonette_and_orders_a/
%
On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?”

She says, “Why does everyone ask me that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d99qqs/on_their_wedding_night_a_groom_asks_his_new_bride/
%
A neuropathic doctor opens a clinic...

He puts a sign outside that says 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the bill): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d99ptx/a_neuropathic_doctor_opens_a_clinic/
%
Who invented the mini-skirt?

Seymour Heiny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d99ah8/who_invented_the_miniskirt/
%
Came home to find my dog, Minton, had gotten into the garage and eaten all my shuttlecocks

Bad Minton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d999l8/came_home_to_find_my_dog_minton_had_gotten_into/
%
What do jokes and U.S. Presidents have in common?

This one fucking sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d98v14/what_do_jokes_and_us_presidents_have_in_common/
%
Why is car insurance higher for lap dancers?

They run a higher risk of being rear-ended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d98qwq/why_is_car_insurance_higher_for_lap_dancers/
%
Life is a sexually transmitted disease

and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d98qqm/life_is_a_sexually_transmitted_disease/
%
Why are Cinderella and Catholic priests similar?

They both like balls but only before 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d98nh3/why_are_cinderella_and_catholic_priests_similar/
%
A string walks into a bar

He orders a drink, but the bartender shakes his head. "We don't serve strings!"
Disappointed, the string walks outside. He twists, spins, and wraps himself into a mess. He drags himself up and down the sidewalk.
Looking rough, he walks back in the bar. Before he can even sit down, the bartender barks, "didn't I already tell you we don't serve string?!"
"I'm a frayed knot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d98mye/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Potable water.

Only some people will get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d98gq0/potable_water/
%
What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d98gmc/what_did_the_sushi_say_to_the_bee/
%
Convincing anti-vaxxers is pointless

But it’s worth a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d98dmo/convincing_antivaxxers_is_pointless/
%
I wouldn’t say I have a dad bod..

But more of a father figure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9879a/i_wouldnt_say_i_have_a_dad_bod/
%
What do you say to a Mexican body builder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d986f9/what_do_you_say_to_a_mexican_body_builder_whos/
%
“I have dyslexia”

“Saym”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9835s/i_have_dyslexia/
%
[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*
*Thank you for the silver! First time receiving one.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d981tn/dad_jokes_3_guys_are_on_a_boat_with_4_cigarettes/
%
You finish??

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but no way if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d97z9u/you_finish/
%
A butcher is 6ft tall, and wears size 10 shoes, what does he weigh?

Meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d97tb7/a_butcher_is_6ft_tall_and_wears_size_10_shoes/
%
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral

A man leans into her and asks, "So you mind if I say a word?"
She replies, "No, go right ahead."
The man stands up, clears his throat and says, "Plethora" and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d97nve/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
%
What kind of boat has candy in the middle?

A pinYACHTa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d97j1g/what_kind_of_boat_has_candy_in_the_middle/
%
Do you have any experience with debate?

Why yes I use debate to catch the fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d97h4m/do_you_have_any_experience_with_debate/
%
A blond man.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone.
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" Asked the doctor.
"No. This is her husband."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d97fr9/a_blond_man/
%
What did Bob Ross say to his kid?

You’re a happy accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d97an6/what_did_bob_ross_say_to_his_kid/
%
My mind is like Internet Explorer

I don't use Internet Explorer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d975oo/my_mind_is_like_internet_explorer/
%
My Hubby

My hubby said to me, "you remind me of a pepper pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d974zy/my_hubby/
%
I took my kid in for a circumcision the other day and noticed they had a tip jar...

...it was disgusting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d971fz/i_took_my_kid_in_for_a_circumcision_the_other_day/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequilla, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9701r/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign_that_says/
%
What do you call an army of cows?

The milidairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d96yr7/what_do_you_call_an_army_of_cows/
%
A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.
One by one, each of the other comedians in the line up approaches the guy before their set and gets jerked off before going on stage.
The comedian thinks it's very strange but follows the same routine. Before his set, he goes up to the guy and whips his dick out to get jerked off. When the guy is done the comedian asks, "Hey man, are you part of the show something?"
The man replies, "No. I'm just here for the comic relief."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d96qeg/a_comedian_is_in_the_dressing_room_of_a_comedy/
%
How does mosses make tea?

He brews!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d96jl7/how_does_mosses_make_tea/
%
Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d96ifv/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

No one knows, but the flag's a big plus!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d96cx0/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
It can never remember the capital of Vietnam

It's really Hanoi-ing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d968g8/it_can_never_remember_the_capital_of_vietnam/
%
Young Jimmy catches a priest masturbating

And asks "What are you doing father?",
"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing it soon."
"Why father?" Jimmy asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d95xi7/young_jimmy_catches_a_priest_masturbating/
%
What did the dough say to the rolling pin after receiving a compliment?

You flatter me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d95x97/what_did_the_dough_say_to_the_rolling_pin_after/
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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties
*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited,  I'm counting on you guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d95kjn/which_is_the_number_1_cereal_brand_in_asgard/
%
If you find black people jokes racist...

lighten up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d95ijn/if_you_find_black_people_jokes_racist/
%
Son: I have an imaginary girlfriend.

Dad:  You know, you could do better?
Son: Thanks Dad!
Dad: I was talking to your girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d95g66/son_i_have_an_imaginary_girlfriend/
%
What is American football called in other countries?

30.48 cm ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d95c5q/what_is_american_football_called_in_other/
%
I went bald early in my life. But I still have my comb.

I just can't part with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d95ahj/i_went_bald_early_in_my_life_but_i_still_have_my/
%
Why should you not send a letter to Washington?

Because he's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d959pw/why_should_you_not_send_a_letter_to_washington/
%
The human mind is like Internet Explorer.

There are at least 9 tabs open.
3 of them are frozen.
And there is no clue where the music is coming from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d958mr/the_human_mind_is_like_internet_explorer/
%
After 4 Weeks of Unprotected Sex

Girlfriend: Hey baby
Boyfriend: Hey Babe
Girlfriend: I wanna tell you Something.
Boyfriend: Umm ok shoot.
Girlfriend: Please promise me you won't get
mad.
Boyfriend: (Got a bit nervous) are you telling or
not?
Girlfriend: (Started to cry) I... I... I... I... I
think... Babe i think i'm pregnant
Boyfriend: Whaaaaaaaaat?
Girlfriend: Yeah... I am pregnant i missed my
period
Boyfriend: You gotta be kidding right?
Girlfriend: No babe how can i joke about
something like this.
[Boyfriend hangs up the phone... The girl spent ages crying thinking she had lost him for good. After 30 minutes she hears a knock on the door... BOOM it's her boyfriend, kneeling down on the floor]
Boyfriend: 200 billions stars, 7 continents, 196
countries, 9 planets, 21 province, 2 capital cities and i have had the privilege of meeting such a sophisticated, intelligent, motivated, beautiful woman like you... Let me correct you...
You're not pregnant, WE are pregnant...
We're both responsible for the baby... I will
support you and our baby. So the love of my
life...
Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: It's not yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d95534/after_4_weeks_of_unprotected_sex/
%
A man runs a small business and falls on hard times......

....He has only two employees that work for him and he needs to lay one off in order to maintain the business. He realizes he has a tough choice ahead, on one hand there's his employee Debbie, a good employee but she's raising two children and he knows she really needs the job. On the other hand there's Jack an excellent employee, but no wife, no children, and he'd probably find a new job rather quickly if laid off.  As he struggles to decide who to let go he decides he ought to be upfront with his employees and simply talk to them one on one to get their opinions. He approaches Debbie first and says "I have something to tell you." Debbie responds with "sure boss, what's on your mind?" He then tells Debbie "I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do." Debbie then says "You better jack off, I have a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d952hk/a_man_runs_a_small_business_and_falls_on_hard/
%
Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled. If there were ever a time for divine interference, it was now. That was when everything went dark.
‘This must be a power shortage,’ Franz mused to himself. ‘Wait, the backup generators obviously aren’t working either, or maybe just not yet. Maybe the electric doors are unlocked?’ Optimistically, Franz pushed on his cell door, which did give way!
Adrenaline now coursing through his veins, Franz realised that this was it. He got to his feet and ran through multiple corridors, none of which had working doors. Then, he spotted a lone guard running up the corridor, obviously out of breath. With a quick punch and jab, the guard was down on the floor, and Franz snapped his neck with the adroitness of a practiced fighter and killer, which he was after all. The commotion in the rest of the prison, added to the noise of the rain, covered the noise generated by the quick melee.
Searching through the guard’s possessions, Franz was delighted to find not only a wallet, but car keys! After quickly donning the guard’s gear, he ran towards the exit of the prison unstopped by anyone, and drove to his freedom. 300 miles away and in a small town of different state, Franz finally stopped to get what he needed after abandoning the car in the deep woods and taking along a bag-pack. ‘They’ll never find me now,’ he reasoned. It was then that he saw an extremely elegant lady with flaxen hair, walking down the street.
Franz was tall, dark, handsome, and extremely charismatic. Knowing his strengths, he approached the lady, posing as a bag-packer. Over a short but sweet conversation, he convinced the lady, Elise, to let him stay the night at her place. Once the television came on in the morning though, bearing Franz’s mugshot and a ‘shoot on sight’ recommendation, it quickly dawned on Elise that she was harbouring an Eastern-European gangster who was also a wanted serial killer.
‘NO WAY!’ Elise shouted at Franz, as Franz begged her to give him a chance. Ordinarily this would have just meant one more dead body. But over the night, Franz realised that he really loved Elise. Besides, from a pragmatic point of view a dead body popping up in this town would be of no help to himself, especially when the police search was centred 300 miles away.
Using every last drop of his linguistic virtuosity, Franz told Elise the very sad story of a child in a family of gangsters, who was born solely to be a mere pawn in the web of crime lynchpins. He managed to convince Elise to harbour him for just a few days. Those few days turned into weeks, then months, and eventually years.
Using a stolen identity, Franz and Elise were able to build a new life together, and enjoy everything that normal couples would. They toured the alpine paradises of Switzerland, and the caverns of Sonora. They enjoyed Italian operas, and American soaps. They engaged in extreme sports, and watched spectator games. But the one thing they shared a particular partiality for was comedy, in all its forms.
After 13 years of sheer unadulterated bliss though, Elise was hit by the sudden discovery that she had late stage cancer, and only a few months to live. The first few days after the revelation were marked with intense anguish and bitterness for the couple. But as they slowly accepted Elise’s cruel fate, the couple were able to push forward and live their lives to the fullest, despite the impending tragedy. Gradually though, Elise’s energy waned, and the couple went from spending their time out rappelling and rock climbing, to spending never-ending nights in the ICU.
One night, as she was coughing up blood, Elise whispered laboriously to Franz, ‘I think this is it. I don’t think I’ll get past tonight. Can you get him to come?’
Franz fumbled for his mobile phone and made a quick phone call. Over the last few months, Franz had managed to get a famous comedian to promise to do a stand-up routine for just himself and Elise, and he was now redeeming the promise he had extracted. After all, humour was the one thing that he shared with Elise most profoundly, and both of them wanted to spend their last day together, enjoying what they loved most.
A mere 5 minutes later, there was a knock on the hospital door. A surprised Franz opened the door, and found himself staring at an entire SWAT team and down the barrels of their guns. In that moment, he knew the game was up. Instantly he fully felt the delayed tiredness of all the last few months.
‘Is it him?’ Elise mumbled from her bed quite hoarsely and inaudibly. And as the last 14 beautiful years flashed in his head, Franz tiredly replied:
>!It's not the joke. It's the execution.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d94z81/franz_was_reading_his_book_on_death_row/
%
[NSFW] a soldier was home from tour and was naked in bed with his wife

As they talked it was obvious the mood was moving towards sex. So the soldier gets out of bed and stands at the side of the bed. He says to his wife "I learned this really neat trick. Do you want to see it?"
The wife replies "of course!" So the soldier looks down at his penis and says in a gruff voice "aaateention!" And his member immediately becomes erect. The soldier then says "at ease!" And he becomes flaccid.
The wife claps and laughs and says "do it again!" So the soldier obligingly looks down at his penis again and says "aaateention!" Only this time nothing happens - he is still flaccid. The soldier tries again "aaateention!" Still nothing happens. On the third try his member still doesn't respond and all of a sudden the soldier starts aggressively trying to masturbate. The wife yells "what are you doing?!??!"
The soldier responds "giving him a dishonorable discharge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d94uku/nsfw_a_soldier_was_home_from_tour_and_was_naked/
%
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica costs 2.50. The same pie costs 3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d94dyt/a_slice_of_apple_pie_in_jamaica_costs_250_the/
%
Wanna hear an overused water joke?

No? Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d94djt/wanna_hear_an_overused_water_joke/
%
After years I decided it’s finally time to hire a house cleaner...

She really maid my day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d94bn7/after_years_i_decided_its_finally_time_to_hire_a/
%
Derek and Brian are having a drink together.

"You used to play football, didn't you?" Brian asks Derek.
"Yeah, I played til I was nearly 40." replies Derek.
"So which did you prefer, grass or astroturf?" asks Brian.
"I'm not sure Brian, I never smoked astroturf." answers Derek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d94a4f/derek_and_brian_are_having_a_drink_together/
%
Why does KFC have no toilet paper...

Its finger licking good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d949ka/why_does_kfc_have_no_toilet_paper/
%
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400. I said, "I'd like large bills, please."

She looked at me, confused, and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d945lj/i_handed_the_teller_at_my_bank_a_withdrawal_slip/
%
A man visits his 97 year old great aunt at the nursing home.

It’s been several months since his last visit and she was starting to show signs of senility, so when he sees her, he goes up to her and asks “Do you know who I am?”
She looks at him and replies “No, but if you ask the nurse, she’ll tell you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d945a7/a_man_visits_his_97_year_old_great_aunt_at_the/
%
Pay your bills

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick (an employee in the palace) obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, David the physician, the King's chief doctor. David thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, David made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, David informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. David then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found David demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick cared less knowing that David could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, David slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
The moral of the story - Pay your bills!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d94254/pay_your_bills/
%
I accidently sent a dick pic to my boss once.

Imagine my embarrassment having to explain that I actually meant to send it to his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d93xu4/i_accidently_sent_a_dick_pic_to_my_boss_once/
%
What do you call a question that has no answer?

(the definition you are looking for is not available, please try again)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d93vfm/what_do_you_call_a_question_that_has_no_answer/
%
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d93urj/honey_this_is_the_cow_i_make_love_to_when_you/
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Getting old....

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, "like sitting around the pool and drinking wine isn't a good thing."
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 78 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d93tpm/getting_old/
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TIL in older versions of English, -tor was used for men and -trix was used for women

Older forms of English kept Latin's gender-specific suffixes -tor and -trix; tor is for men and trix is for women. So a male pilot is an aviator, a female pilot is an aviatrix. A male fighter is gladiator, a female fighter is a gladiatrix.
This contrasts with the modern system, where tor is for both men and women, and trix are for kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d93sj0/til_in_older_versions_of_english_tor_was_used_for/
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Man to Friend : "Yesterday, i found my wife with another man in bed."

Friend : "What did you do?"
Man : "I went angrily to the kitchen to find a knife. When i found one, i sharpened it carefully. I ran fast to the refrigerator to get lemons and used the knife to cut the lemon and make lemonade for me."
Friend : "What about the man?"
Man : "Of course i didn't make one for him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d93piz/man_to_friend_yesterday_i_found_my_wife_with/
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I was raised by horses

I had a pretty stable childhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d93ldk/i_was_raised_by_horses/
%
Teacher:

"Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d93fpm/teacher/
%
Dad: What's the difference between a piano, tuna and some glue?

Me: Don't know?
Dad: You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish
Me: What about the glue?
Dad: I knew you'd get stuck on that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d93f47/dad_whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_tuna_and/
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I'm looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low mileage...

Only driven from time to time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d93bjm/im_looking_to_sell_my_delorean_good_shape_low/
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This guy at the beach offered me a free kite. I turned him down. You know why?

He said the deal was no strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d934lz/this_guy_at_the_beach_offered_me_a_free_kite_i/
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What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92wch/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_penis_and_a/
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I sent a dwarf to the hospital today.

He said my girlfriends hair smelled nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92uc7/i_sent_a_dwarf_to_the_hospital_today/
%
If a liar says that he's lying, would that be a lie?

Only if he's standing up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92s6g/if_a_liar_says_that_hes_lying_would_that_be_a_lie/
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My Boyfriend is so loyal that

...he watches porn with no chicks in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92r85/my_boyfriend_is_so_loyal_that/
%
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92r6z/an_art_dealer_and_a_painter_are_having_a/
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After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...

Because I'm Dragon Ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92qg6/after_a_long_day_at_work_i_feel_like_half_a/
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What has Trump been doing since his call to the Ukraine?

He’s Biden his time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92qed/what_has_trump_been_doing_since_his_call_to_the/
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A blind man walks into a bar

And a table and a chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92ns4/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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If you're Asian when you go into the toilet, and you're Asian when you leave the toilet, what are you when you were in the toilet?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92lxw/if_youre_asian_when_you_go_into_the_toilet_and/
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My last girlfriend left me at the altar...

I guess she just wasn't into animal sacrifice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92kx7/my_last_girlfriend_left_me_at_the_altar/
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My wife keeps insisting that I tell her my favorite body part and vegetable

I told her eye yam but she doesnt listen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92kgw/my_wife_keeps_insisting_that_i_tell_her_my/
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What do you call british womans periods?

Bloody hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92izu/what_do_you_call_british_womans_periods/
%
The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?"

The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f\*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92ddd/the_poor_man_asks_the_rich_man_what_are_you/
%
A guy goes into a bank, and the clerk asks "Can I help you sir?"

A guy goes into a bank.
Clerk: "Can I help you, sir"
Guy: "Yea you fucking bitch, I want to open a fucking account"
Clerk: "Please there’s no need for cursing"
Guy: "I just want to open a fucking account."
Clerk: "Sir I’ll help you but watch your language"
So the manager comes over…
Manager: "Is there a problem here?"
Guy: "I’m trying to fucking open an account and this motherfucking bitch won’t let me."
Manager: "Please sir don’t curse, and how much are you opening the account with?"
Guy: "$7 million"
Manager: "And this motherfucking bitch ain’t helpin' you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92d3p/a_guy_goes_into_a_bank_and_the_clerk_asks_can_i/
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The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant, “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again, the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
“What seems to be the problem, sir?”
“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92cmq/the_worlds_leading_expert_on_european_wasps_walks/
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A junior journalist is given his first article

For this, she was asked to make the best-possible artivle abut a little town near the city where the newspaper is located.
She went to the town decided to make her best with this, and even create a great article, but no one is on the streets.
She kept walking on and on, and finally meets some old grumpy guy in the middle of nowhere. Decided to have her great article, she went to talk with him and explained the situation. The man decided to help her and started hearing the questions.
Journalist: "I wanted to know the local traditions of this town, tell me something about you, something that everyone do here"
Man: "Well, here, when a sheep of any of the local farmers get lost in the mountain or the forest, we met at the bar, drink all night long, and when we are, like, very, very drunk (but, a lot) we go and search the sheep. If we get lucky and found it, we go to the bar again, and as a celebration, we all fuck the sheep"
Journalist: "Wow, that scalated quickly, but... I think this is something that I couldn't write about... Let's see if there's another way to go for the article... Ok, then, let's talk about women rights here in the town. What is your position about women here, in this small town"
Man:" Well, here, when a girl or a woman get lost in the mountain or the forest, we met at the bar, drink all night long, and when we are, like, very, very drunk¡ we go and search her. If we get lucky and found her, we go to the bar again, and as a celebration, we all fuck her until we are exhaust."
Journalist: "Oh my god! you are some kind of monsters!, but, no matter what, I need a GOOD article, I cannot post this, but I, for sure, will have this article. The definitive way, the way I don't like is to go through emotional side. So, tell me, I want to know something deep about you, something that left you astonished, emotional, anything that bring you tears to you when you remember. Open to me"
Man: "Well, there was this time, when I got lost on the mountain..."
\-----------------
Sorry for the english guys! I've done my best to translate one of the best jokes I know, for your enjoyment!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92bj2/a_junior_journalist_is_given_his_first_article/
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What's the difference between a business man on a bicycle and a homeless man on a tricycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d92aqg/whats_the_difference_between_a_business_man_on_a/
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Today I saw my friend in class listening to music, so I asked him what music it was.

He said he was listening to rap and asked what I was listening too. I looked him dead in the eye, put a paper clip in my ear and said heavy metal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9299v/today_i_saw_my_friend_in_class_listening_to_music/
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I’ve been searching tirelessly for just ONE reason to prove that Bono isn’t a complete cunt.

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d928ho/ive_been_searching_tirelessly_for_just_one_reason/
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My School doesn’t allow blacks

Can’t believe the dress code here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d926uq/my_school_doesnt_allow_blacks/
%
A blonde woman finds a letter in front of her door that says "DO NOT BEND"

She spent the next two hours figuring out how to pick it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d9260d/a_blonde_woman_finds_a_letter_in_front_of_her/
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2 Dyslexics run into a bank and shout:

Air in the hands mother stickers!
This is a fuck up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d925fq/2_dyslexics_run_into_a_bank_and_shout/
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Why do blind people hate skydiving?

Because it scares the hell out of their dogs.
-credit Charlie on Always Sunny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d924go/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
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My Headmaster gave me head today

I guess she is overrated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d91w8r/my_headmaster_gave_me_head_today/
%
A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

“I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?”
“Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d91vku/a_guy_is_sitting_at_the_doctors_office_the_doctor/
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What did the billionaire say to the girl who was not sure?

Honey unlike a birthday cake you'll actually get what you wish for if you blow me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d91l0n/what_did_the_billionaire_say_to_the_girl_who_was/
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A homeless guy stopped me and demanded I give him £5 for some new shoes.

So I gave him £5 and followed him to see if he got new shoes. He turned down one road, picking up the pace, the end of his baggy jeans scuffing the pavement. He took a sharp left turn down an alleyway, down which I pursued him for some three or four minutes at a safe distance of around three hundred yards.
Then we arrived at a large shopping centre, all sorts of shops. Perfume shops, clothes shops, and more importantly shoe shops. He wandered about with a charmingly enthusiastic nature, and went in a few of them to see what they offered. After the third shop - while I was sat on a bench - I saw him come out with a pair of white trainers.
I ran up to him and said, "Fucking hell mate, well done."
"Well done? You what? Wait--aren't you the guy that gave me..."
"Yes I am," I replied. "And I'm proud you stuck to your word."
"Stuck to my word?" he laughed. "I stole these so I could run to my drug dealer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d91jfn/a_homeless_guy_stopped_me_and_demanded_i_give_him/
%
A lady buys a parrot from a pet store

The employee tells her the parrot has been living in a brothel (whorehouse) for a big part of his life. He learned some naughty words there, but he advised her to put a blanket on the parrot's cage for about 3 weeks, the parrot will soon forget the dirty talk. The employee even promised the woman a money back guarantee when she wouldn't be satisfied with the purchase.
The lady decides to purchase the parrot and brings him back home. As soon as she gets home she puts the blanket over the parrot's cage, after 3 weeks it's time to take the blanket off.
The parrot looks around the room and says: *"You did some renovating ma'am? Looking good!"*
A bit later the ladies' daughters walked in, and the parrot mentions: *"I see you got some new girls too!?"*
Later that day the lady's husband comes home and she hears the parrot's relieved voice saying: *"Aaah finally, a familiar face!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d91ig5/a_lady_buys_a_parrot_from_a_pet_store/
%
Long time ago, John, Peter and Paul got arrested for stealing and the King summoned them.

King: go get your favourite fruit and then come back. I’ll tell you what to do!
They went and look for their favourite fruit.
First cane John with an Apple.
John: what do you want me to do with this apple, my king?
King: you’re going to put that in your ass! If you make it without screaming in pain or laughing, you’re a free man! But if you scream or laugh, you’ll be killed!
John tried it but it hurts so much he screamed in pain so the king told his soldiers to kill him.
Peter came second with 10 pieces of grapes. The king then told him what to do.
After 9 grapes inside and 1 left, he burst out laughing so then the king ordered his men to kill Peter.
John and Peter met in the purgatory.
John: Peter, you were almost a freeman! Why did you laugh?
Peter: I saw Paul, he brought a jack fruit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d91d7m/long_time_ago_john_peter_and_paul_got_arrested/
%
Where is your husband? - A neighbor asks the woman

-There he is in the garden.
-Where, I dont see him?
-Well, you have to do some digging...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d919zf/where_is_your_husband_a_neighbor_asks_the_woman/
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Why did the pirate not like the old video game with a liberal-leaning political message?

It was hard to port

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d910n0/why_did_the_pirate_not_like_the_old_video_game/
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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d90zxy/hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
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A man is late for his date

So he runs to the restraunt but just before he goes in he realises how how much he's been sweating. Not wanting to meet the girl smelling awful he begins to panick.
"Hey I can help you out," says a faint voice.
The man looks all around but cant see where the words came from.
"Down here".
The man looks down to see it was an ant that had been talking.
"If your worried about smelling I can help u, just let me walk all over u and the odour will be all gone".
Baffled but still in a panicked state the man agrees. The ant crawls up the pungent  mans foot and proceeds to march up and down the man. Minutes later the ant walks back onto the ground and to the mans amazement the smell is all gone.
"Thanks you so much ant, but how on earth did you get rid of the foul odour".
"Thats easy," replied the ant, "Im a de-odour-ant".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d90sac/a_man_is_late_for_his_date/
%
There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders...

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth and stay within traditional guidelines.
After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne.
When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.
Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys.
He could lower the huge throne for use during the day and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed.
This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.
Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.
The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d90nwy/there_was_once_an_island_kingdom_whose_people/
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Cable Appointment

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d90mdu/cable_appointment/
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Whats the difference between kinky and perverted ?

Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriends body with a feather.  Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d90hcj/whats_the_difference_between_kinky_and_perverted/
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Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"
Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d90eif/man_to_therapist_i_just_fucked_my_fourth_cousin/
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I work in a crematorium and is tough.

You can never urn a living.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d904um/i_work_in_a_crematorium_and_is_tough/
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How much cake do you feed a snake?

Only a slither

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d903gz/how_much_cake_do_you_feed_a_snake/
%
A soldier ran up to a nun

Out of breath he asked, "Please, can I hide  under your skirt. I will explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you  seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and  said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to  Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of  legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen  a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8zzif/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
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This guy told me he was a quarterback...

"That's nothing," I replied. "I'm 90% belly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8zym8/this_guy_told_me_he_was_a_quarterback/
%
I still remember what my mother said to me when I wet the bed as a child.

Urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8zpib/i_still_remember_what_my_mother_said_to_me_when_i/
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Brexit is like my girlfriend's experience with anal sex.

At first there was intrigue, then there came a great deal of pain. And now when it so much as gets mentioned there's no way she'll even listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8znjw/brexit_is_like_my_girlfriends_experience_with/
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I finally killed the boss I’ve been trying to kill for a long time.

I was so happy, but I think my coworkers might have been a bit shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8znjm/i_finally_killed_the_boss_ive_been_trying_to_kill/
%
An American and a Russian are arguing over which country offers their citizens more freedom.

The American says, “I could take a piss on the Statue of Liberty in the middle of the day and nothing would happen to me.”
The Russian says, “Oh ya, I could drop my pants and take a shit in the middle of Red Square at lunch time and nothing would happen to me.”
They finish off a couple of bottles of tequila and the American admits, “To be honest, if I wanted to piss on the Statue of Liberty, I’d have to do it around the back at 3am.”
The Russian says, “That’s ok. To be honest if I wanted to shit in Red Square, I would have to do it with my pants up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8zmu4/an_american_and_a_russian_are_arguing_over_which/
%
A woman rings the surgery to ask about a pregnancy test

The receptionist makes an appointment and says "Be sure to bring in a urine sample". The woman says "okay" and hangs up, then turns to her husband and says "What's a urine sample?". He looks puzzled and says "I don't know, it's not like I've ever been for a pregnancy test. But Betty next door has, why don't you ask her?"
So the wife goes next door and she is gone for some time, there are some loud noises the husband hears through the wall, and then she comes home again with bleeding lips, a black eye, several handfuls of hair missing, her clothes torn and scratches all over her face. And her husband says "Jayzus, woman, whatever have you been doing?"
And she says "Sure, it wasn't my fault. I only asked Betty 'what's a urine sample?' and she said 'Piss in a bottle!' so I said 'Oh, it's like that is it? Well, shit in your handbag, bitch!' and it went on from there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8zktj/a_woman_rings_the_surgery_to_ask_about_a/
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Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8zh7m/why_do_teenage_girls_go_to_the_bathroom_in/
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So I went to Japan on holiday,

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.
I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get along really well.
She tells me that she pretended to be a guy online because she wanted to talk with someone about rock music but that people wouldn't take her seriously because she was a girl. She apologised, and I said that I'd accept her apology on one condition – that she plays guitar hero with me.
She laughed and agreed – she had a great smile – and we went to her apartment. She hurriedly opened her PS4 and accessed guitar hero. She was a pretty high level, much higher than I was, but we played anyway.
Somehow I won – I guess I just got lucky, but she turned off the game and started sulking, and didn't speak to me for a while. I didn't want our meetup to end like this, so I tried to motivate her:
"Hey Nao, you're a rockstar. Get your game on, go, play..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8zh2m/so_i_went_to_japan_on_holiday/
%
I have color blindness

That means I never lost game of UNO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8zcyw/i_have_color_blindness/
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I don't understand people who lives near swamp yet complains about the mosquitoes.

They're not bugs, they are the feature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8z7ox/i_dont_understand_people_who_lives_near_swamp_yet/
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Saw a shark take a shit...

Jawdropping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8z6f2/saw_a_shark_take_a_shit/
%
People say i’m an ass

I guess we really are what we eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8yyu3/people_say_im_an_ass/
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The Prom

Firstly, he goes to rent a tux but there is a long line at the tux shop and it takes forever.
Next he has to get some flowers so he heads to the florist. And there is a huge flower line there. He waits forever but finally gets the flower.
Then he heads over to rent a limo. Of course, there's a large limo line at the rental office. He is patient and finally gets the job done.
At last, the day of prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over she ask him to get some punch. He heads over go the punch table and there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8yuul/the_prom/
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I really adore the inherent pacifistic attitude of the vegans.

They don't want to have any beef with people.
That isn't to say that they are cow-ards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8yukd/i_really_adore_the_inherent_pacifistic_attitude/
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What do you get when you play a Country song backwards?

Your wife back, your dog back, your truck back...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8yrmo/what_do_you_get_when_you_play_a_country_song/
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Keanu woke up in hospital

With intense pain in his chest. His son Billy was next to him in tears.
“Wha- what happened?”, said Keanu.
His son told him that a kid at school had been teasing him and was making the accusation that they were half brothers, that Keanu had slept with this other kid’s mom. They had gotten into a fight and Keanu and the other kid’s mother had been called to see the principal. When Keanu arrived, the mother pulled out a gun said ‘Goodbye, Mr Anderson’ and shot him in the chest several times.
The thing that upset Keanu’s boy the most seemed to be the accusation that he’d cheated on his wife.
“Hey listen, calm down. What was the kid’s mom’s name?”, said Keanu.
“Jean, I think”
“Billy. Jean is *not* my lover. She's just a girl who claims that I am ‘The One’. But the kid is not my son.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8yriv/keanu_woke_up_in_hospital/
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Why can't you starve in the desert?

Because of the sand which is there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8yr3l/why_cant_you_starve_in_the_desert/
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Chemistry jokes.

Good or bad, it always gets a reaction out of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8yqq8/chemistry_jokes/
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Two very important life rules:

1) Never tell anyone everything you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8yptf/two_very_important_life_rules/
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If girls with big boobs work at hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

I-Hop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ygse/if_girls_with_big_boobs_work_at_hooters_where_do/
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If Greta Thunberg could rearrange letters in her name

That would be great

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ycqv/if_greta_thunberg_could_rearrange_letters_in_her/
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I bought the world’s worst thesaurus the other day,

Not only was it terrible, it was terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8y4g1/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_the_other_day/
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A water, a soda, and a beer walk into a bar

The bartender looks at the water and soda and says, "We don't serve your kind around here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8xzje/a_water_a_soda_and_a_beer_walk_into_a_bar/
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I heard a joke about Oedipus and King Midas the other day.

I forget exactly how it went, but it was mother fuckin gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8xtfj/i_heard_a_joke_about_oedipus_and_king_midas_the/
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-Neutrino. Knock knock.

\-We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here, said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
\-Hipsters liked neutrinos before they arrived.
\-I wrote a speed of light joke...but a neutrino beat me to it.
\-A. To prove particles can travel faster than light Q. Why did the neutrino cross the road?
\-I'm going to tweet my neutrino joke yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8xoet/neutrino_knock_knock/
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What is it called when the moon is masturbating?

A wanking crescent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8xn5h/what_is_it_called_when_the_moon_is_masturbating/
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My dog won't play fetch with my frying-pan.

It must be non-stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8xlxd/my_dog_wont_play_fetch_with_my_fryingpan/
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A kid asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs...

The mother says "It's because you are so naughty."
The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8xgdh/a_kid_asks_his_mother_why_she_has_so_many_grey/
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An old woman goes to the doctor's and says she has an embarrassing problem...

She knows when she's breaking wind but it doesn't make any sound and has lost any sort of stinkiness that it used to have.
She went on to say that in fact she'd done it three times since coming in the room- and that as it's just so unnatural, it's really bothering her. He gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
"I have some good news" she announces- "my flatulence is now stinky again- but they're still completely silent".
The doctor tells her- "Well, you've got back your sense of smell, now let's concentrate on getting you some hearing aids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8xdww/an_old_woman_goes_to_the_doctors_and_says_she_has/
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A patient once told me that he had imposter syndrome.

I told him he was just faking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8xahw/a_patient_once_told_me_that_he_had_imposter/
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A man, crying in pain, complains to the dentist “It feels like my left jaw is possessed by the devil!”

“Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8x33z/a_man_crying_in_pain_complains_to_the_dentist_it/
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Genie: You have 3 wishes

...but no wish for more wishes, more genies, or more lamps, ha!
Me (being a smartass): I wish you were reaaaaally bad at counting.
Genie: Sure boy, you have zero wishes left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8wzym/genie_you_have_3_wishes/
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All clear jokes

Hello everyone, my job involves being on a train and being a commentator, we have to say "all clear" when everyone is on and seated so the driver knows to start the drive. I want to find some jokes to go with it! One is "We must be windex, because we're all clear."
I know I could come up with one for maybe crystal but wondering if anyone else had any ideas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8wtuu/all_clear_jokes/
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What is The Devil’s Car?

The Anti-Chrysler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8wqz0/what_is_the_devils_car/
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What did the Dwarf say when a tall hooker walked by?

High hoe, high hoe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8wpx3/what_did_the_dwarf_say_when_a_tall_hooker_walked/
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Did ye hear? The local cheese manufacturer exploded.

Debris was everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8wptn/did_ye_hear_the_local_cheese_manufacturer_exploded/
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How does a panda make his pancakes in the morning?

With a pan...duh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8wn4x/how_does_a_panda_make_his_pancakes_in_the_morning/
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Bro, you want this pamphlet?

Brochure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8wjnw/bro_you_want_this_pamphlet/
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Why’s it called the circle of life?

Because it’s pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8wfsr/whys_it_called_the_circle_of_life/
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How did Pennywise die?

He committed sewercide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8w8kp/how_did_pennywise_die/
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Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8w89f/passenger_asked_a_flight_attended_how_often_do/
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Everyone says that China doesn't have any freedom of speech. That's obviously untrue.

In the United States, you can go up to the White House and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.
Similarly, in China, you can go up to the Communist Party Headquarters and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.
\----------
Wanted to update an oldie but goodie to modern times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8w4u4/everyone_says_that_china_doesnt_have_any_freedom/
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Hagrid: "You're a unit of power Harry!"

Harry: "I'm a watt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8vp16/hagrid_youre_a_unit_of_power_harry/
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A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8vfzb/a_wise_man_once_said_its_better_to_say_nothing_at/
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What do you call a snail with PTSD?

Shell-shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8vca0/what_do_you_call_a_snail_with_ptsd/
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They were out of bread at the Indian restaurant I was at

The waiter said it was a naan issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8v8xx/they_were_out_of_bread_at_the_indian_restaurant_i/
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I'm glad my parents told me I was adopted...

But everyday feels excessive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8uy9f/im_glad_my_parents_told_me_i_was_adopted/
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The owner of the local cinema died today

His funeral is on:
Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15
Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00
Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15
Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8uxj8/the_owner_of_the_local_cinema_died_today/
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Joined a poker club

Just signed up for poker at a club and all the members have these "lucky charms" on the table this guy has a glass cube with a 4 leaf clover in it that girl has a mini bronze doggie statue, you get the point. So the next week I wanted bring a charm to fit in, but I forgot but the novelty store next to the club was open so i went in and grabbed something real quick. I walked into the poker club really happy with my lucky charm. So I slapped that stick on dildo to the table and said boom! Now no one messes with me, first time I had a showdown I started stroking the shaft of that bad boy and said "I'm all in" and they know I got the nutz cuz they're right there on the table!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8uw8y/joined_a_poker_club/
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I used to believe my neighbour when he said he slept standing upright.

But he's been lying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8us81/i_used_to_believe_my_neighbour_when_he_said_he/
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I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush today

There's no plaque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ursw/i_visited_the_birthplace_of_the_man_who_invented/
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So a guy walks into a bar

He sets down a little man, a little piano, and a little chair and the little man starts to play the little piano. As people start to gather around the man another guy asks “hey, where did you get the little piano player?” The other man replies “there is a genie outside granting wishes” so the other guy goes out side and up to the genie and says “I want a million bucks” so the genie replies “ok then” and gave the man a million ducks so the guy walks back in and up to the other guy and says “hey, the genie is crap I didn’t get what I asked for” and the other guy replies “do you think I wanted a 12 inch pianist”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8uo6d/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived in that situation

Almost died watching Finding Nemo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ue25/when_people_go_underwater_in_movies_i_like_to/
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What do you call a student who sneezes in a class full of unvaccinated children?

A terrorist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8udbp/what_do_you_call_a_student_who_sneezes_in_a_class/
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If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8udak/if_there_was_a_competition_for_saggy_tits_my_wife/
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What’s the difference between milk and cheese?

Cheese lost it’s whey in life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8uclv/whats_the_difference_between_milk_and_cheese/
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Does anyone have a hammer I can borrow?

If not, a 3 day old Jimmy John's sandwich will work too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8uc7v/does_anyone_have_a_hammer_i_can_borrow/
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What do you call a fat Psychic?

A four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ubam/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
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I thought about donating blood the other day, but then I thought no.

I can't take the thought of my blood floating around inside some dude's boner.  No hemo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8uaai/i_thought_about_donating_blood_the_other_day_but/
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A guy shows up at work with two black eyes...

...when asked what happened he said, "I was riding on the bus this morning when this rather large woman stood up to get off. I noticed her dress was stuck in the crack of her ass, so being a gentleman, I politely pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me.
When asked how he got the second black eye, he said, "Well it was pretty obvious she wanted it up there, so I started putting it back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8u7gw/a_guy_shows_up_at_work_with_two_black_eyes/
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A Jewish man rubs a lamp. POOF: Genie. “You get one wish.”

Jewish man pulls out a map from his back pocket and points at Israel and Palestine. “See these two countries? I wish for peace here.”
Genie: “Can’t be done. You have another wish?”
Jewish man: “Sure. Before I die, I want my wife to give me one last blowjob.”
Genie: “Can I see that map again?”
Credit: Al Frankin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8u4o5/a_jewish_man_rubs_a_lamp_poof_genie_you_get_one/
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Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day....

They are waiting at the gate when St. Peter arrives and greets them, "Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven and it is don't step on the ducks." The women each look at each other confusingly. St. Pete opens the gate and sure enough there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.
The first woman goes in and lasts a week and steps on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together. He says, "This is your consequence for stepping on a duck. You must be stuck with this man for all eternity," and disappears.
The second woman goes for a month and finally steps on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.
The third woman goes on for years and years, but never steps on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeus man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves. The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, "Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you." He slowly looks down at her and says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8tych/three_women_all_die_in_a_car_crash_and_go_to/
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If heterosexuals get engaged then what do homosexuals get ?

En-gay-ged, engayged
I am sorry
PS: this is not a homophobic joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8tqju/if_heterosexuals_get_engaged_then_what_do/
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I like to help blind kids in my free time.

I used to use bleach but now I find a good old fashioned eye gouge is just as effective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8tiok/i_like_to_help_blind_kids_in_my_free_time/
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If you're ever bothered by a swarm of bees, then stand still and stare at them.

Because seeing is believing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8t9vr/if_youre_ever_bothered_by_a_swarm_of_bees_then/
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There is a hostile atmosphere in the Picasso exhibit

A lot of side-eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8t33g/there_is_a_hostile_atmosphere_in_the_picasso/
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Make your Wife your phone wallpaper

when you feel down and having a hard time, look at your phone and remind yourself...
If you can overcome this, I can overcome everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8t1fu/make_your_wife_your_phone_wallpaper/
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Wife Got Mad at Me the Other Day...

The wife got mad at me the other day for not cleaning up the ice cubes I accidentally dropped earlier.
I told her to relax, it's just water under the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8skry/wife_got_mad_at_me_the_other_day/
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A woman walks into a grocery store

She grabs milk, a banana, toothpaste and a bottle of wine. When she goes to checkout, the cashier asks “Are you single?”
“Why yes, I am, how did you know that?” She exclaims
Cashier: “Because you’re ugly”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8si98/a_woman_walks_into_a_grocery_store/
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Ask the Private.

To all my veteran friends out there... enjoy!
A U.S. Marine General was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the General decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the General turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”
The General was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
Super heroes don’t wear capes, they wear Dog Tags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8sfxz/ask_the_private/
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I don’t always use toilet paper but when I do...

I use a shit ton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8scik/i_dont_always_use_toilet_paper_but_when_i_do/
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How many policemen does it take to change a lightbulb?

None they just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8satr/how_many_policemen_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A bear walks into a bar

The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The bear sighs and says "I'm just lamenting about the one that got away." The bartender questions further asking "Well what happened, did she move away, was it a wrong place wrong time kind of thing?" The bear replies "No no nothing like that... she was just the fastest girl scout."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8s1zl/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8rpz2/after_the_un_summit_it_was_really_shameful_to_see/
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2 scientists were at a science sale

The first one was selling protons and electrons for .10 cents each. The second one was just handing out neutrons to anyone. When I asked the second one why he wouldn't accept any money for the neutrons he repllied: *they're free of charge*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8rmur/2_scientists_were_at_a_science_sale/
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Three couples are waiting to enter the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells them, "I can tell how a man lived his life based upon the name of his wife.  First couple, please step forward."
So, the first couple steps forward and St. Peter asks the guy, "What is your wife's name?"  The guy says, "Her name is Penny."
St. Peter gives a disapproving look and says, "Your wife has the name of a unit of currency which means you sir have lived a life worshiping money and only caring about wealth.  You are denied entrance."
So, the first couple walks away and the second couple steps forward.  St. Peter asks the husband of the second couple, "What is your wife's name?"
The man says, "My wife's name is Brandy."  At this, St. Peter shakes his head and says, "Brandy is a liqour which is an alcoholic drink which means you sir have lived a life as a drunkard and succumbed to the bottle far too often.  You are denied entrance."
So, the second couple walks away.  But before the thrid couple steps forward, the husband looks at his wife and says, "We might as well just leave now, Fanny.  There's no way they're letting us in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8rfx2/three_couples_are_waiting_to_enter_the_pearly/
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My nieces asked me to kill a wasp for them...

I told the that that's a feature of "Uncle Premium" and their attitudes only get them the basic subscription!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8rdqg/my_nieces_asked_me_to_kill_a_wasp_for_them/
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A man is frantically looking around when his wife walks into the room.

She asks, "what's wrong?"
"The reddit flavour text says there's a bar somewhere in this joke, and I plan on finding it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8rc84/a_man_is_frantically_looking_around_when_his_wife/
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Telling Time

A cowboy rides in the desert and comes upon a Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?"
The naked man replies, "I'm finding out the time -- it is 12:15."
The cowboy looks at his watch and thinks, "Wow, it really is 12:15."
The cowboy continues and sees another Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?"
The naked man replies, "I'm seeing what time it is -- it is 3:15."
The cowboy looks at his watch and that is the correct time. The cowboy continues and finds a third Native American lying naked on the ground, masturbating.
The cowboy asks what he's doing and he replies, "I'm winding my watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8qy69/telling_time/
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I've been told I'm condescending.

(that means I talk down to people)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8qxnj/ive_been_told_im_condescending/
%
A blonde boy, and brunette boy, and a redhead were talking one day about swimming.

The brunette boy says, "My dad was so rough on me. He used to take me to the local pool and make me swim laps for four hours a day! I nearly drowned a couple times!"
The blonde boy replies, "You learned to swim in a pool!? My dad just rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me over the side! Then he rowed to shore and said good luck! I nearly drowned, but I learned to swim, by golly!"
The ginger kid says, "My dad did the same thing to me! Except he threw me off a bridge!"
"And you managed to get to the river bank?" the blonde kid asks.
"Swimming was the easy part! The hard part was getting out of the potato sack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8qxmu/a_blonde_boy_and_brunette_boy_and_a_redhead_were/
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What had 200 arms, 200 legs and 3 teeth?

The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8qoeb/what_had_200_arms_200_legs_and_3_teeth/
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A man walks into a bar...

A limbo champion walks under it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8qny4/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Found the source of the world's problems.

It's bipolar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8qak8/found_the_source_of_the_worlds_problems/
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Everyone told Sam not to sing

But Samsung anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8q812/everyone_told_sam_not_to_sing/
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A grandfather takes his 10 year old grandson fishing

They're sitting in the boat out on the lake dangling their lines when the old man pulls out a pack of cigs and lights one up
"Can I have a cigarette grandad?"
Oh dear, thinks the grandad, better think of a way out of this
"Tell you what" grandad says "can your willy bend round and touch your bum hole?"
"No grandad"
"Then you can't have a cigarette!" says grandad, quite pleased with himself.
A short while later grandad pulls a beer out of the cooler and cracks it open.
"May I have a beer grandad?" asks the boy
"Well son, can your willy bend round and touch your bumhole?"
"No grandad"
"Then you can't have a beer!" and they go back to fishing.
At the end of their day they row back to shore, pack up their things and hit the road. On the way home they stop at a store and grandad buys a fresh pack of cigs and a scratchcard for each of them. They get back in the car and scratch off their tickets, the man doesn't have a winner but the boy wins £1000
"Well done" grandad says excitedly "are you gonna share your winnings with your old grandad?"
The boy thinks for a minute and says "Can your willy bend round and touch your bumhole grandad?"
"Yes" says grandad proudly "yes it can"
And the boy says "Then go fuck yourself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8q7lj/a_grandfather_takes_his_10_year_old_grandson/
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I was walking past my fridge last night when I thought I heard two onions singing a BeeGees song.

But when I opened the door it was just the chives talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8q4av/i_was_walking_past_my_fridge_last_night_when_i/
%
What do astronauts eat?

Launchables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8pjd4/what_do_astronauts_eat/
%
My girlfriend has all the traits I desire.

In an ex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8pa2r/my_girlfriend_has_all_the_traits_i_desire/
%
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes

Me: I wish for a world without lawyers
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes
Me: But you said 3!
Genie: Sue me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8p3of/genie_i_shall_grant_you_3_wishes/
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The shovel is a ground breaking invention, but it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation by storm. However, the invention of the wheel got things rolling...

And I’m just here wondering why our feet smell and our nose run...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8otm4/the_shovel_is_a_ground_breaking_invention_but_it/
%
Suicide

My grandad commited suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano.
He didn't leave a note

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8otjt/suicide/
%
Three pregnant women are sitting around the waiting room the their OBGYN...

Three pregnant women are sitting around the waiting room at their OBGYN knitting jumpers for their expected babies. One woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a handful of pills and Swallows them. The other mothers look at her with disapproval stares and she says, "Oh no, these are just prenatal vitamins high in Vitamin D. I want my baby to have strong bones."  The other two nod approvingly and another takes out a handful of pills. "These are prenatal vitamins high in Vitamin A. I want my baby to have good eyesight", and she Swallows them down. The last mother takes out a handful of pills and swallows them down. The other two look at her expectantly and she says, "Oh, it's Thalidomide. I can get the fucking arms on this jumper to come out right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8oq2t/three_pregnant_women_are_sitting_around_the/
%
I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8oppk/i_tried_to_sing_danger_zone_five_times_at_karaoke/
%
A vegan walked up to me and said,

"People who sell meat are disgusting."
I replied, "Really? Because people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8oor0/a_vegan_walked_up_to_me_and_said/
%
There was once an old trapper drinking in a tavern.

He didn't have much money, so he loudly made a bet to every one in the room,"Blind fold me and bring me any pelt! I'll tell you what animal it was and how you killed it! If I'm right, you buy me a drink. If I'm wrong, drinks on me!"
The first taker stepped up to the bar. "Alright, old man. I'll take your bet." Blindfolded, the old trapper feels the pelt. "Otter... killed with bow." The taker laughs and buys the old man a drink.
More followed "White tail deer, killed by musket! Squirrel, by snare!" It wasn't long until every trapper and hunter in the tavern had their turn. Drunkenly, the old man stumbled home and crawled into bed.
He woke in the morning with a splitting headache, a fat lip and a black eye! "I don't remember getting into a fight! I did my trick last night and got real drunk, but I know I didn't fight anyone!"
His wife yells and says "I did it, you old coot! You crawled into bed, shoved your hand down my panties and said 'Skunk, killed with an axe!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ojlh/there_was_once_an_old_trapper_drinking_in_a_tavern/
%
"So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me?"

"Both,now get in the van."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8of67/so_is_that_a_gun_in_your_trousers_or_you_are_just/
%
What do the colors in the German flag stand for?

Black: cars
Red: sausages
Yellow: beer
Blue: jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8oe58/what_do_the_colors_in_the_german_flag_stand_for/
%
My 14 year old is finally taking an interest in me. Last night he asked me my date of birth.

Then he asked me what street I grew up on.
This morning he even asked where I met his mom and what was the name of my first pet! ❤❤❤❤❤

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ocq2/my_14_year_old_is_finally_taking_an_interest_in/
%
What do you call a hen staring at lettuce?

A chicken sees her salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8o668/what_do_you_call_a_hen_staring_at_lettuce/
%
Just married!!

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."  She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can’t wear your pants," she said. "That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."  He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can’t get into your panties!" She said, "That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8o18h/just_married/
%
My wife told me the best sex she ever had was on our wedding night.

Which explains why she showed up so late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8o154/my_wife_told_me_the_best_sex_she_ever_had_was_on/
%
My friend told me her husband surprised her with a dozen roses.

She complained, “Now I’m going to have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”
So I asked, “why don’t you just buy a vase?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nzts/my_friend_told_me_her_husband_surprised_her_with/
%
How do snails fight?

They slug it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nz7f/how_do_snails_fight/
%
A guy is talking to his coworker.

Guy: "Man, I got fired."
Coworker: "Oh no! What happened?"
Guy: "Boss told me that if I didn't fuck her right there in the office, I'd get fired."
Coworker: "Oh, and you said no?"
Guy: "No, I said yes!"
Coworker: "So why did you get fired?"
Guy: "Well, I asked her, and she said, 'Poor performance in the workplace'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nxdj/a_guy_is_talking_to_his_coworker/
%
A man gets sick of it all and joins a monastery

He travels to Nepal, hikes high into the mountains and finds a monastery.  The head monk informs him that they would accept him if he dresses the part, does his work, and learns the ways of peace and meditation.  The man agrees.  The head monk tells him, "one last thing, you must take a vow of silence, but you may speak to words to me, once every 2 years." The man agrees again, and begins his journey.  Over the next 2 years, he learns the ways of monkdom, he eats with the other monks, he cleans the monastery, he maintains the gardens, he meditates, and does it all silently.
The head monk pulls him aside one day and says, "It has been 2 years since you first came to us, what words would you like to say?"
The man thinks, and then replies, "bed hard".
The head monk just nods an acknowledgement, and the man goes back to his chores.  He continues this way, cleaning, meditating, eating with the other monks day in day out, and eventually another day came when the head monk again tells him that he may speak two more words.
The man, without needing much time to think says, "food bad".
Again, a patient nod is given by the head monk, and again the man goes back to his quiet simple life at the monastery.
Everything remains the same over the next two years, but when the head monk finds the man for his opportunity to say two words he can clearly see that the man is bothered.  He tells him again that he may speak two words.
The man just says, "I quit"
The head monk nods, and then replies, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nwij/a_man_gets_sick_of_it_all_and_joins_a_monastery/
%
Why does a child get to speak in front of the UN?

Or be president, for that matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nwa8/why_does_a_child_get_to_speak_in_front_of_the_un/
%
A guy walks into a bar

He is drinking, minding his own business, when he sees a huge jar with a bunch of cash in it behind the bar. He asks the bartender, what's that all about? Bartender says, oh that's for anyone that can complete 3 things that are hard to do. The guy is now pretty drunk, feeling bold, and asks what the 3 tasks are. Bartender says, see that big biker dude over there with the jailhouse tattoos? You have to drop him in one punch. Second thing is, you have to go in the back and pull a bad tooth from my big mean pit bull I got chained up. Third, do you see that beautiful woman over there? You have to go have sex with her and bring me her panties as proof. Well the drunk guy is feeling pretty good, so he decides he'll take the bartender up on his offer. He downs a boilermaker, goes over to the biker, and knocks him out cold in one punch. He returns to the bar, takes a couple more shots, and stumbles to the back. The bartender could hear the dog in back howling for dear life. He thinks, bygod, this guy's gonna do it. Drunk guy comes back, swaying on his feet, smiles and says, "Alright, where's the bitch with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nuto/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nrq4/how_do_you_get_trump_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
If animals knew what sin was they wouldn't care.

I don't care either. Fuck trigonometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nnrr/if_animals_knew_what_sin_was_they_wouldnt_care/
%
Man walks to alumni party with his wife

Wife: "Honey look that's my ex! Look how he's dancing happily like an idiot, i'm really glad i broke up with him"
Man: "and it looks like he's still fucking celebrating"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nnkc/man_walks_to_alumni_party_with_his_wife/
%
The r/darkjokes mods

**B I G  G A E**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nipp/the_rdarkjokes_mods/
%
Doctor gave me six months to live, but i couldn't pay the bills

gave me another six months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nhcs/doctor_gave_me_six_months_to_live_but_i_couldnt/
%
Yesterday I pooped, and when I went to flush, the bowl was empty

I lost my shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nd8v/yesterday_i_pooped_and_when_i_went_to_flush_the/
%
What does a Scandinavian coke addict do?

Snjort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nd1y/what_does_a_scandinavian_coke_addict_do/
%
Why didn't the family visit the Louvre?

They didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nc6s/why_didnt_the_family_visit_the_louvre/
%
What do you call a girl who don’t suck dick?

A cab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8nb00/what_do_you_call_a_girl_who_dont_suck_dick/
%
What's the difference between a priest and a cryogenics researcher?

Only one of them is a chilled mole tester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8n7id/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a/
%
What's the difference between an ISIS compound full of terrorists and a grade school full of children?

I don't know, I'm just the pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8n7b5/whats_the_difference_between_an_isis_compound/
%
Caribbean hens are so rude

Damn jerk chickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8n5bj/caribbean_hens_are_so_rude/
%
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8n3xi/two_tall_trees_a_birch_and_a_beech_are_growing_in/
%
I asked Logan Paul for a High Five.

He just left me hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8n2pt/i_asked_logan_paul_for_a_high_five/
%
Insanity Does Not Run In My Family

It Strolls Through Taking Its Time Getting To Know Everyone Personally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8mzs1/insanity_does_not_run_in_my_family/
%
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.

It's called Meal or no Meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8mnyo/im_a_student_and_i_play_a_game_with_myself_every/
%
What does Eminem use when he fights?

Marshall Arts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8mho8/what_does_eminem_use_when_he_fights/
%
Red flags in relationships are always so obvious in hindsight.

I blame the Doppler effect -- when they're coming right at you they look blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8mchj/red_flags_in_relationships_are_always_so_obvious/
%
An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman rob a bank

They each escape the bank with a large sack of money but are being chased by the police. They turn down an alley way but it's a dead end and they decide that jumping in the sacks of money is their best chance of not being arrested.
Three police officers finally catch up and just see the three sacks on the floor.
The first police officer walks up to the sack with the Englishman in it and kicks it. The Englishman meows and purrs to convince the policeman it's just a sack of cats.
The second police officer does the same with the sack with the Scotsman in it, the Scotsman barks to fool the policeman into thinking it's just a sack of puppies.
The third police officer walks up to the sack with the Irishman in it and kick it.
The Irishman shouts "POTATOES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8mb72/an_englishman_scotsman_and_irishman_rob_a_bank/
%
2 electricians got into an argument..

It went on for 5 days.. they just couldn't find any common ground.
Shocking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8mayx/2_electricians_got_into_an_argument/
%
What do Gerry McCann and Thomas Cook have in common?

Both will take you on holiday, but they won't bring you home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8m7e6/what_do_gerry_mccann_and_thomas_cook_have_in/
%
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He just pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8m6tk/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_who_died/
%
Going to school is like the first minute of sex

I don't wanna come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8m6hx/going_to_school_is_like_the_first_minute_of_sex/
%
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.

He made some excellent points.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8m45h/my_friend_is_trying_to_persuade_me_to_invest_in/
%
Why can't Plastic Man lead an orchestra?

Because he's a poor conductor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8lxby/why_cant_plastic_man_lead_an_orchestra/
%
Climate change is getting on the news alot more nowadays.

You could say its a hot topic worldwide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8lwxm/climate_change_is_getting_on_the_news_alot_more/
%
I am trying to get a new car for my wife...

...it'll be a great trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8lvfl/i_am_trying_to_get_a_new_car_for_my_wife/
%
How many babies does it take to paint a house?

It depends on how hard you throw them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8lv7f/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_house/
%
It just struck me that in British slang the US President's surname means "Fart" and in US slang the British prime minister's surname means "Penis"

I can't wait to tell the wife. She'll laugh her Merkel off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8lte1/it_just_struck_me_that_in_british_slang_the_us/
%
The two pianists had a good marriage...

...They always were in a chord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8lt74/the_two_pianists_had_a_good_marriage/
%
These Badminton players are really good

I hope they keep it up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8lssu/these_badminton_players_are_really_good/
%
After hours of waiting for the bowling alley to open...

...we finally got the ball rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8lrod/after_hours_of_waiting_for_the_bowling_alley_to/
%
A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway…

A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway, when a little old lady taps the driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats the gesture about eight more times.
At the ninth time, he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, to which she replies that it's not possible because they can't chew them with their dentures and old teeth.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
The old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8lkkp/a_tour_bus_full_of_seniors_drives_down_a_highway/
%
If you're scared of paedophiles...

Grow up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ljpo/if_youre_scared_of_paedophiles/
%
Nuns are renovating their monastery.

Sister Anne and Sister Margateth were assigned to paint the inner halls of the chapel.
Sister Anne: "Dear sister, shouldn't we take off our clothes so they won't catch any paint?"
Sister Margareth: "This is a good idea. Since we are sisters, the Lord shouldn't mind us seeing each other naked. But we should hang blankets at the windows so nobody will see us naked in there. Also the doors must be locked."
The nuns did that. They covered the windows, they locked the doors, then they got naked and startet to paint the halls of the chapel.
Several hours later they hear a knocking at the door and a male voice calling: "Blind man!"
Sister Anne: "This poor man seeks refuge. We must help him!"
Sister Margareth: "But we can't let him in, because we are naked!"
Sister Anne: "But the poor man is blind. He won't see us naked and therefor he will not commit a sin. We will then help him to get to Sister Sylvia."
Sister Margareth: "Okay, you are right. Help the man get in."
So the nuns unlock and open the door, only to see a man holding packages in his arms:
"Nice tits! Where do I have to put the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8lh7u/nuns_are_renovating_their_monastery/
%
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8lfey/ive_fallen_in_love_with_a_pencil_and_were_getting/
%
Reading while sunbathing...

... makes you well red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8lea9/reading_while_sunbathing/
%
A guy wanted to buy cigarettes , they gave him a box of cigarettes that said:"smoking causes impotence"

He looked at the cashier and said : "plz , give me the one that causes cancer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8le0m/a_guy_wanted_to_buy_cigarettes_they_gave_him_a/
%
My wife ran off with my best friend...

I really miss that guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ldkv/my_wife_ran_off_with_my_best_friend/
%
I bought some deer leg nunchucks for $20.

I said, "$20? They used to be under a buck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8lceu/i_bought_some_deer_leg_nunchucks_for_20/
%
What did the Elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breath through something that small?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8l9v3/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
%
How do you shoooo a vegan away

Vegan **vegone!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8l930/how_do_you_shoooo_a_vegan_away/
%
How does NASA organise a party?

They planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8l774/how_does_nasa_organise_a_party/
%
Bean Disaster

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8l2ot/bean_disaster/
%
A cop pulled a truck driver over who was driving around with a truck full of penguins

"You can't keep these penguins in your truck!" The cop said "You need to take them to the zoo!"
The truck driver promised to take the penguins to the zoo immediately and drove of.
The next day the cop pulled the same truck driver over. The truck was still full of penguins.
"Didn't I tell you to take the penguins to the zoo?" The cop asked angrily.
"I did that yesterday!" The truck driver said "Today we're going to Disneyland!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8kvyq/a_cop_pulled_a_truck_driver_over_who_was_driving/
%
Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8krjz/sure_we_can_do_something_about_climate_change_now/
%
I'm not a fan of Thomas Cook.

They're just not Going Places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8kmen/im_not_a_fan_of_thomas_cook/
%
Dad about son's exam results...

Dad: What happened to your result?
Son: There's one good news and one bad news.
Dad: Tell me the good one.
Son: I passed.
Dad: Great! And what's the bad news?
Son: The good news is wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8kk37/dad_about_sons_exam_results/
%
Two old men finally retire...

They've had a hard life, both widowed many years ago and their children have all grown up and gone their own way. They decide that it would be INCREDIBLE to have a night on the town like the old days, a proper guys night out. They draw their final paychecks and proceed to get motherlessly drunk in all the best bars their town had to offer. Finally they decide to cap their night off with a trip to their local brothel.
They approach the brothel stumbling through the front doors up to the concierge at the front desk.
"Two of your finest broads please!" the one exclaims!!
The concierge notices the state of the two men and instructs his lackey to just put 2 blow up dolls in their room, *They wouldn't know the difference..* The two men proceed upstairs and have their way with the two blow up dolls.
On their walk home they start discussing their evening with their two lovely ladies...
"You know, I think my girl was dead..." One exclaims.
"DEAD???"  the other reacts in shock.
"Yeah, she just kind of laid there and took it..."
"You know, that makes me think that mine was a **witch**." the other replies
"A WITCH, what makes you say that?"
"Well while I was loving her, you know I gave her a bite on the neck and she farted and flew out of the window"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8kh9t/two_old_men_finally_retire/
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I'd like to make a joke about elements

but all of them argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8keto/id_like_to_make_a_joke_about_elements/
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How do you make gold soup?

Add 24 carrots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8kc6t/how_do_you_make_gold_soup/
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Donald Trump was asked what the J stood for in Donald J Trump

He said "Genius"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8kbig/donald_trump_was_asked_what_the_j_stood_for_in/
%
Alfred Nobel was a great guy. He was a scientist, engineer, and he created dynamite. He also created the Nobel Prizes.

He was so amazing that he blew everyone away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8k6bo/alfred_nobel_was_a_great_guy_he_was_a_scientist/
%
A guy is at the doctor

*Doctor*:    You will need to stop masturbating.
*Patient*:    Ah, and why's that?
*Doctor*:    So I can start my examination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8k211/a_guy_is_at_the_doctor/
%
Pikachu is type electric, Charmander is type fire

Snorlax is type 2 diabetic
I'll show myself to the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8k0mc/pikachu_is_type_electric_charmander_is_type_fire/
%
Dad joke

A teenager is in his room masterbating .. his Dad walks in and catches him. He's very embarrassed. Dad sits on the bed and says:
"Son if you do that too much you will go blind"..
His son replies: "Dad I'm over here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8jr12/dad_joke/
%
The experiment ran away, sir.

Which one?
Witch 1.
That's what I asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8jmri/the_experiment_ran_away_sir/
%
In chemistry class, the teacher asked a girl, what is 'nitrate'?

Girl: "$100 + hotel room bill.. this is my night rate!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8jmmm/in_chemistry_class_the_teacher_asked_a_girl_what/
%
My friend asked, “Aren’t you concerned Florida will be submerged from climate change?”

I replied, I thought that’s what we were all trying to do, then we’ll stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8jm28/my_friend_asked_arent_you_concerned_florida_will/
%
Why did the Asian guy have his kid vaccinated?

Because it's cheaper than a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8jlu7/why_did_the_asian_guy_have_his_kid_vaccinated/
%
If sperm is good for your skin and makes you look younger?

Then how come my hands both look the same age

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8jik5/if_sperm_is_good_for_your_skin_and_makes_you_look/
%
What do you call a soldier who is nervous in battle and wields a long weapon?

Shakespeare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8jfv1/what_do_you_call_a_soldier_who_is_nervous_in/
%
Some people just aren’t nutritious

Zombie: “Brains...brains...”
Flat Earther: “Hi!”
Zombie: (Hesitates. Moves on.)
“Brains...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8jfhr/some_people_just_arent_nutritious/
%
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died

But now he’s lawn gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8jcbn/my_grandpa_used_to_cut_the_grass_before_he_died/
%
A man screams at his tv: “You fucking idiot don’t walk into that church!!”

His wife comes Into the room and asks him what he’s watching.
The man responds: “Our wedding tape”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8j4i5/a_man_screams_at_his_tv_you_fucking_idiot_dont/
%
Did you hear about the mafia Don with memory problems?

He kept making people offers he couldn't remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8j0pf/did_you_hear_about_the_mafia_don_with_memory/
%
Dora the Puberty Explorer

The first episode constitutes an entire period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8izel/dora_the_puberty_explorer/
%
I had to quit my job as a gay pornstar...

....It was such a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ixq9/i_had_to_quit_my_job_as_a_gay_pornstar/
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A Multi-Level Meta Joke

Disclaimer: Yeah, this is a repost, but I haven't seen it posted in a while so I figured maybe there are people out there who haven't heard it yet.
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink.
The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke."
So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a good joke." So the guy says "What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer."
So the bartender gives him a free beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ix9s/a_multilevel_meta_joke/
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What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are 1.50 a lb, deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8io4h/whats_the_difference_between_deer_nuts_and_beer/
%
What's another name for a double barreled shotgun?

A parachute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8in68/whats_another_name_for_a_double_barreled_shotgun/
%
What do snipers and photographers have in common?

They get paid to take headshots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8iivz/what_do_snipers_and_photographers_have_in_common/
%
Formula one drivers stay healthy

Because they breakfast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8i9ea/formula_one_drivers_stay_healthy/
%
I went to a support group for people with low self esteem

As an activity to boost our self esteem, the instructor had us all go around in a circle and say one thing that we had accomplished in our life.
When it got to me, I told them that once I put a USB in right on the first try!
"I'm sorry, you must be in the wrong group," said the instructor. "This is the support group for people with low self esteem. The Pathological Liars group is across the hall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8i81h/i_went_to_a_support_group_for_people_with_low/
%
Zen joke

Student: Master, I've forgotten all of my zen training, lost inner peace, and now feel disconnected from the present, haunted by the past, afraid of the future, and dissimilar from the universe and all its life forms.
Master: What? Were you thinking?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8i5ka/zen_joke/
%
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

If that's the case, then my dad must really miss me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8i2gu/they_say_absence_makes_the_heart_grow_fonder/
%
My friend told me that he stored his newest selfie on OneDrive.

I told him to get his head out of the Cloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8i0wv/my_friend_told_me_that_he_stored_his_newest/
%
What do you call the state of being sexually attracted to your own behind?

Auto-erotic ass-fixation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8hvu0/what_do_you_call_the_state_of_being_sexually/
%
What do you call a cat that is just a cat?

A Meerkat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8hnvw/what_do_you_call_a_cat_that_is_just_a_cat/
%
Why does nobody trust big cats?

Because they're always lion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8hn0g/why_does_nobody_trust_big_cats/
%
What type of construction are dogs good at?

Roofing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8hime/what_type_of_construction_are_dogs_good_at/
%
What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? [NSFW]

The hooker will stop fucking you after you’re dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8hh9k/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a/
%
I hate it when people call me average

It's really mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8hh7p/i_hate_it_when_people_call_me_average/
%
What’s the worst thing to put in a Mexicans drink?

ICE
Credit: My friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8heiq/whats_the_worst_thing_to_put_in_a_mexicans_drink/
%
Next time your wife is angry, drape a towel over her shoulders....

... and say, now you're super angry.
Maybe she laughs.
Maybe you die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8h50j/next_time_your_wife_is_angry_drape_a_towel_over/
%
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?

Coach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8h1n3/what_do_you_call_a_white_guy_surrounded_by_5/
%
What do you call an autistic Chinese baby?

Sum Ting-Wong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8h0pm/what_do_you_call_an_autistic_chinese_baby/
%
I was worried that my new T-shirt would go down a size in the wash

Then the unshrinkable happened

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8h0ec/i_was_worried_that_my_new_tshirt_would_go_down_a/
%
What's the heaviest Chinese dish?

Wanton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8gyca/whats_the_heaviest_chinese_dish/
%
When I go golfing I like to bring two coats...

In case I get a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8gscy/when_i_go_golfing_i_like_to_bring_two_coats/
%
And Englishman, Scot and Welshman Walk Into a Bar

The Englishman decides he's going to leave. The Scot and Welshman are forced to go with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8gs28/and_englishman_scot_and_welshman_walk_into_a_bar/
%
The last supper

Jesus goes for supper with his 12 disciples and asks the inn keeper, "Would like a table for 26, please."
The confused inn keeper replies "But I see only 13 of you here. Are we expecting more?"
Jesus replies "No. We are all going to sit on the same side of the table."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8gpu0/the_last_supper/
%
I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8gosg/i_told_my_wife_i_was_gonna_start_smoking_pot_she/
%
Knock knock. - Who's there?

X-men
X-men who?
Caitlyn Jenner
Sry... I had to take this joke out of my head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8go1z/knock_knock_whos_there/
%
Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8gmjs/did_you_hear_about_the_racist_chemist/
%
[NSFW] What does an old woman's pussy taste like?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8gl8l/nsfw_what_does_an_old_womans_pussy_taste_like/
%
If you get sick before boarding a plane...

...does that mean you have a terminal illness?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8gkgn/if_you_get_sick_before_boarding_a_plane/
%
An alcoholic law student walks into a bar . . .

He regretted not passing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ggik/an_alcoholic_law_student_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A skeleton went into a bar..

The bartender asks,"What'll be Bones?"
The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8gc5n/a_skeleton_went_into_a_bar/
%
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8gaus/three_cowboys_are_sitting_around_a_campfire_out/
%
One of my favorite childhood memories is when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside of a tire.

Those were the Goodyears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8g9vp/one_of_my_favorite_childhood_memories_is_when_my/
%
A bible salesman won top sales award

But people are confused because he is famously known for being so timid that when he speaks, he stutters. So when the award was announced and the salesman is invited to the stage, everybody wants to hear what this man says.
After handshaking the announcer, the man hesitantly approach the microphone. He tapped the microphone, but after a very long pause, not even a word comes out.
Then the host gets impatient, so he took his microphone and asked, “I know this award might be overwhelming for anybody, but if it’s alright with you, can we ask a little something?”
The salesman said nothing at all, just slightly nodded. The host continues, “What is the secret of your success?”
After another long pause, finally the salesman took a deep breath and say, “I-i—, I just s-say to-to them...d-do-do you w-w-w-want to, uh, to b-b-buy? Or sh-sh, should I r-r-read it to you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8g70m/a_bible_salesman_won_top_sales_award/
%
What do you call a monkey in the Arctic?

Lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8g5ij/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_in_the_arctic/
%
My mom asked me how I can have fun playing video games all the time...

I said, "They're actually designed that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8g4n5/my_mom_asked_me_how_i_can_have_fun_playing_video/
%
What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?

Last year's hide and go seek winner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8g1l8/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_skeleton_in_a_closet/
%
I drank some food coloring

The doctor said I'm okay
But inside I'm dyeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8g03n/i_drank_some_food_coloring/
%
My grandfather gave me the best advice I have ever heard just before he kicked the bucket:

Always put on steel toes before doing this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ftd0/my_grandfather_gave_me_the_best_advice_i_have/
%
A Roman centurion, in a noisy saloon, walks up to the bartender holding up two fingers and says loudly

"5  beers please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8fnzu/a_roman_centurion_in_a_noisy_saloon_walks_up_to/
%
You know you're getting old

When you walk by 3 priests and don't even get a wink!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8fmyc/you_know_youre_getting_old/
%
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8flsg/as_an_airplane_is_about_to_crash_a_female/
%
What do you call a pile of cats?

A Meowtain
My daughter's joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8flmv/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_cats/
%
Why was the king only a foot tall?

Because he was a ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8fkwd/why_was_the_king_only_a_foot_tall/
%
Yo mama so ugly

When she opens her front door on Halloween the kids give her candy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8fkoq/yo_mama_so_ugly/
%
I talk to my shoes

because the box says converse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8fel3/i_talk_to_my_shoes/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8fa1m/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
I got in trouble on a date once, I didn’t open the car door...

...and instead I just swam to the surface

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8f8os/i_got_in_trouble_on_a_date_once_i_didnt_open_the/
%
So I went to the doctor to get a valve transplant,

Unfortunately he said I would only have 6 months to live, but I said, doc! I won't have time to pay the bill, so he gave me another 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8f7p7/so_i_went_to_the_doctor_to_get_a_valve_transplant/
%
So an Amish couple are in their horse and buggy going down the road during a blizzard...

The woman spots a skunk lying in the road. She turns to her husband and says, "Honey, pull over, he must be freezing!"
So the husband pulls over and the wife gets out and gets the skunk and get on their way again.
After about 5 minutes, she says to her husband, "Oh honey, he is still shivering! What should i do?"
The husband replied "Oh put him up your dress, he'll be warm then!"
The wife complains " Oh honey, what about the smell!"
The husband responds, " Pinch his little nose, he'll be okay!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8f6ol/so_an_amish_couple_are_in_their_horse_and_buggy/
%
I took the rear view mirror out of my car...

Haven’t looked back since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8f634/i_took_the_rear_view_mirror_out_of_my_car/
%
I'm opening a hotel made for people with no other options.

I will name it "Last Resort".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8f3sr/im_opening_a_hotel_made_for_people_with_no_other/
%
I have a confession to make. I'm addicted to brake fluid.

I can stop any time I want tho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ezqz/i_have_a_confession_to_make_im_addicted_to_brake/
%
Phone sex is risky

You wouldn’t want hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8es8q/phone_sex_is_risky/
%
What's the difference between clothes and gay Muslims?

Clothes get hanged when they come INTO the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8er6m/whats_the_difference_between_clothes_and_gay/
%
I was walking home from work today when I saw a duck on the street.

The duck looked lost so I picked it up and carried it back to my house.
When we arrived home we where met by my wife who glared and with angry tone asked "what are you doing with that pig?"
I said "dear it's a duck actually"
She said "I was speaking to the duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8eg80/i_was_walking_home_from_work_today_when_i_saw_a/
%
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches .....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8efv6/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
%
Straight priest

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest  to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ea82/straight_priest/
%
A man sits down in a confessional and closes the door.

"What would you like to confess my son?" Says the priest.
"I had an extramarital affair. Twice yesterday with a younger woman. I'm 47 and she Is only 18 but I just couldnt resist. She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen! Blonde hair, blue eyes, perfect perky breasts and her lips taste like a peach!"
The priest asks "How long since your last confession?"
"Well I've never confessed. I'm Jewish" replies the man.
"You are not even Catholic? Why are you here confessing your sins?"
"Confessing my sins? I'm telling EVERYONE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8e4bd/a_man_sits_down_in_a_confessional_and_closes_the/
%
Why are eyelids so smooth?

Because they moist your eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8dwrn/why_are_eyelids_so_smooth/
%
Guy sitting in a bar notices a sign on the wall that says, "Lawyers are assholes".

"Hey, I resent that!"
"Why? You a lawyer?"
"No, I’m an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8dwl5/guy_sitting_in_a_bar_notices_a_sign_on_the_wall/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8dwbp/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
What do you call a Pakistani Prostitute in Spanish?

LaHore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8deij/what_do_you_call_a_pakistani_prostitute_in_spanish/
%
A lady golfer is seen running back into the clubhouse screaming “I’ve just been stung by a bee!” ...

“Where?” someone asks
“Between the 1st and the 2nd holes” she screams.
“Ohhh! I think your stance may have been a little wide” an instructor tells her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8db4h/a_lady_golfer_is_seen_running_back_into_the/
%
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flinstones.

But the people in Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8cyav/the_people_in_dubai_dont_like_the_flinstones/
%
I tried to explain Sunk Cost Fallacy to my father.

He stopped paying attention mid-way through but I had gotten that far so I finished my explanation anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ctfd/i_tried_to_explain_sunk_cost_fallacy_to_my_father/
%
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8crq9/my_wife_sued_for_divorce_because_she_said_i/
%
I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159

Then it just CLIX.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8crgl/i_struggle_with_roman_numerals_until_i_get_to_159/
%
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven

Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8coy8/the_fact_that_there_is_a_highway_to_hell_and_only/
%
On a crisp Fall morning a farmer went out to cut firewood for the winter.

He cut, split and stacked for six hours and then, just as he was getting done for the day, he saw an elderly Indian by the fence. He went to say hello and the Indian said "How. You have-um smoke?", so the farmer handed over his tobacco pouch and the Indian helped himself to a pipeful, lit up, inhaled appreciatively, and said "Winter be cold this year".
Glad of the hint, the farmer went out the next day and he cut, split and stacked firewood for eight hours. Just as he was getting done for the day, he once again saw the Indian and he went over to offer the old man a smoke. Once again the Indian helped himself to a pipeful, lit up, inhaled appreciatively, and said "Winter be *plenty* cold this year."
So on the third day the farmer put a new chain in his saw, honed his axe razor sharp, and went at it for ten hours until three sides of the house were entirely hidden by the massive logpile. And at the end of the day, there was the Indian again with his pipe all ready. Naturally the farmer knew the drill, and he took out his own pipe as well so the two of them could smoke together, and just as the Indian was reaching for his second pipeful of the day, he remarked "Winter be *heap damn* cold this year."
Blinking in exhaustion, the farmer took a pull on his own pipe before asking, "How do you know this?". The Indian nodded wisely. "Ah. Winter always cold when paleface cut much firewood."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8cn2k/on_a_crisp_fall_morning_a_farmer_went_out_to_cut/
%
What did the phone say to his friend before his battery ran out?

“Tell my wifilove her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ch3j/what_did_the_phone_say_to_his_friend_before_his/
%
I joined a gym 6 months ago, but I still haven't seen any results

I think I'm going to have to go there in person and talk to the manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8cenp/i_joined_a_gym_6_months_ago_but_i_still_havent/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Because hes expecting a Lil Wayne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8cb7d/why_does_snoop_dogg_carry_an_umbrella/
%
If the human race were close to extinction and there was only one woman left.

She's fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ca1w/if_the_human_race_were_close_to_extinction_and/
%
Everytime you think you've mentioned a book or article that nobody on this website have heard about...

It turns out that they've already Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8c6xa/everytime_you_think_youve_mentioned_a_book_or/
%
One man in 4 men...

sounds like a party to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8c1zo/one_man_in_4_men/
%
How did Jesus do in the construction test today?

He nailed it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8c1xo/how_did_jesus_do_in_the_construction_test_today/
%
60 seconds have passed in this 90 degree weather...

It's been a hot minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8c1gz/60_seconds_have_passed_in_this_90_degree_weather/
%
Donald Trump is 73 years old and doesnt wear glasses

Because he's got 2020.
P.S. - I'm not even from America so pls dont hate me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8c0bx/donald_trump_is_73_years_old_and_doesnt_wear/
%
I built a machine that tickles you.

I have been asking people to try it.  But nobody seems to want to try some test tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8bw86/i_built_a_machine_that_tickles_you/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg carry a umbrella?

Fo' drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8burc/why_does_snoop_dogg_carry_a_umbrella/
%
You've never partied till you've partied with a terrorist.

Because they the bomb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8bu7f/youve_never_partied_till_youve_partied_with_a/
%
Hitler walks into a dark bathroom...

One time Hitler went into the bathroom for a half hour without turning the light on. His officers noticed and asked him what happened. He replied “I did Nazi shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8bt6h/hitler_walks_into_a_dark_bathroom/
%
A man walks into a bar. Slams his hand on the bar and screams "All lawyers are assholes!"....

Angrily, another patron gets up and yells back "Watch your mouth! That is offensive to me!"
The first man responds and laughs "Are you upset because I called you an asshole???!!!"
The angry patron says "No! I'm offended you compared me to a lawyer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8bpze/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_slams_his_hand_on_the_bar/
%
Got kidnapped in Iran

Luckily iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8boie/got_kidnapped_in_iran/
%
Men are sexy

women are sexx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8bn1g/men_are_sexy/
%
PIg

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8bm47/pig/
%
What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8bm1o/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_works_for_the/
%
I walk on all fours. I hump peoples' legs. I lick their hands and I pee on the sidewalk. I am

Going to jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8blfh/i_walk_on_all_fours_i_hump_peoples_legs_i_lick/
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A man wants to kill his wife

So he makes some discreet enquiries, and learns of a hitman who goes only by the name of Arthur. He contacts him, and they agree on a price of £1, which is paid up front. The man tells Arthur that his wife shops at Tesco on Saturday mornings.
That Saturday, Arthur goes to the Tesco, sees his mark, comes up behind her, and in one smooth motion slips a garrote over her neck and kills her. However, a store employee saw this and came running over, bad move, he too ends up garrotted. Arthur realizes he has to move quickly, and heads to the exit. The store manager has seen what happened, and is coming down toward Arthur. He's hoping his few years in the army a decade ago serve him well, but he is no match for Arthur, who as they grapple, manages to get his hands around the managers neck and squeeze the life out of him.
Arthur heads for the exit, but there are 2 security guards. He tries to barrel past, but they are having none of it. They scuffle, Arthur gains the upper hand, and one of the guards is dead, the garrote limp around his neck, but then the second guard manages to smash Arthur's head against the wall, and he goes down, unconscious.
The police are called, and justice begins to run its course.
The headline in the next day's local paper reads: Artie Chokes 4 for £1 in Tesco's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8b2cq/a_man_wants_to_kill_his_wife/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

About half-way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8ay74/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_ocean/
%
"Can I have a sip of that?"

"No"
"Why?"
"Because I am breastfeeding"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8awez/can_i_have_a_sip_of_that/
%
Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8aouq/why_is_the_white_guy_the_scariest_guy_in_prison/
%
If my good friend is my ‘brother from another mother’

Then my Mexican friend is my ‘relation from an adjacent nation’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8afqz/if_my_good_friend_is_my_brother_from_another/
%
So a boy was born, and he was just a head. But his parents took this difficulty in their stride and raised him as well as they could. On the boy's 18th birthday, his father takes him down the pub for his first pint.

He takes the first sip, and out pops his body.  Surprised, he takes a second sip, and out pop his arms.  The whole pub is cheering him on now. His father has tears of joy streaming down his face. So the boy takes his final sip, and out pop his legs.  The boy is so happy that he immediately jumps up and runs outside the pub to celebrate, where he is quickly flattened by a lorry.  The barman turns to the father and says:  He should have quit while he was ahead.
Credit to u/mrfish31

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8aczd/so_a_boy_was_born_and_he_was_just_a_head_but_his/
%
For my birthday, my girlfriend gave me a voucher for One Free Blowjob.

I'm saving it fellator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8a92i/for_my_birthday_my_girlfriend_gave_me_a_voucher/
%
What does a vegetarian zombie moan?

"Grains!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8a20b/what_does_a_vegetarian_zombie_moan/
%
Teacher to politician: "Sir, why are you distributing sweets and celebrating? Your son has failed in the class"

Politician: "In a class of 40 students, 21 failed. So the majority is with my son"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d89y4r/teacher_to_politician_sir_why_are_you/
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Dogs: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...they must be gods"

Cats: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...I must be a god."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d89y08/dogs_they_feed_me_they_care_for_me_they_give_me_a/
%
Two guys were playing frisbee when....

the frisbee slipped from the other guys hands and landed afar near two women. The guy goes towards the women....stops abruptly comes back and says "I can't go there because one of them is my wife and the other is my current girlfriend. Why don't you get it?" The other one goes to some distance....comes back and says
"Sorry...small world"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d89vmj/two_guys_were_playing_frisbee_when/
%
My ex girlfriend left me to become a streetwalker in Venice

She drowned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d89mow/my_ex_girlfriend_left_me_to_become_a_streetwalker/
%
What do you call a ginger redneck with clinical depression?

Billie Irish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d89jwo/what_do_you_call_a_ginger_redneck_with_clinical/
%
What would you call a domestic worker in China?

Maid in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d89ied/what_would_you_call_a_domestic_worker_in_china/
%
I don't have time for the Fall Equinox

But if you check back with me at Daylight Savings Time I should have an extra hour...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8990q/i_dont_have_time_for_the_fall_equinox/
%
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

A Yamahahaha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d896gn/what_do_you_call_a_laughing_motorcycle/
%
She was in good hands

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.
Still not wanting to be rude or seem politically incorrect, she decided that it's just dinner and it couldn't hurt.
Much to her surprise, the guy was a great conversationalist and really interesting and they just clicked.
They got back to her house and things get hot and heavy.
As the clothes start to come off the guy hesitates a bit and asks that the lights to be turned off because he doesn't want to be so vulnerable on a first date.
She understandably agrees and the lights are turned off and she experiences the most intense lovemaking of her life. The orgasms were intense.
In the morning she told him that he was the greatest lover he ever had. He thanked her for a great night and for her kind words. He then confessed, "I didn't want you to find out right away, but I also lost my penis in the war."
She was flabbergasted. But how then? He couldn't finger her or use hands, and it was certainly not a tongue she felt last night.
She was stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d894wx/she_was_in_good_hands/
%
Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8926k/seeing_a_spider_isnt_a_problem/
%
Women: "What do we want? TELEPATHY! When do we want it?"

Women: "Well when do you think we want it?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d88xf5/women_what_do_we_want_telepathy_when_do_we_want_it/
%
I'm sorry and I apologise have the same meaning...

Except at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d88ox7/im_sorry_and_i_apologise_have_the_same_meaning/
%
A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.
After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!
The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
So the blonde heads out to the swamp absolutely determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day the shopkeeper drives by and noticed the Young lady waist deep in water with a shotgun in her hands.
He stops and watches as a very large alligator swims right at her. With lighting fast reflexes she throws the gun up and shoots the alligator killing it instantly.
He keeps watching as she drags the alligator to a pile of 6 or 7 more. As he rolls down the window to ask why she needs so many Gators for one pair of boots she rolls it over and shouts.
AHHHH THIS ONES BAREFOOT TOOO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d88jan/a_blonde_walks_into_a_shop_and_wants_a_pair_of/
%
Sam was at the pub

-disclaimer, mobile-
As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "screw it I'll just crawl to the door, I'm sure the fresh air will help." So he did that, and once he got to the door he breathed in a lung full of fresh air and tried standing up, just to fall over once again! He kept trying, but everytime yielding the same results. So after a few tries he thought "God damn I'm drunk, I'll just crawl home, thank God I only live 2 houses from the pub" so he crawls to his home and tries to open the door quietly, and pulls himself up and tries walking in...THUD...he falls over again "screw it I'll just pull myself up the stairs and crawl in bed, I'm sure Jen is sleeping, I'll be fine." So after struggling and finally closing the front door, he does just that, pulls himself up the railing of the stairs, crawls to his bedroom, pulls himself into bed and passes out. The next day hes woken by his wife, asking if he enjoyed his night out at the pub. He asked her how she knew? "Well I got a call from Tom, the barkeep, this morning. He told me you left your wheelchair at the pub again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d88ha9/sam_was_at_the_pub/
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It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce

he's a rocket man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d88e0q/its_a_little_known_fact_that_elton_john_doesnt/
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I came home from work early one night...

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"
My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."
As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d88ckj/i_came_home_from_work_early_one_night/
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What do you call a female cow that can't produce milk?

A miss-steak
(Sorry this probably would do better in dad jokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d889h4/what_do_you_call_a_female_cow_that_cant_produce/
%
I saw a girl with 6 pairs of boobs the other day

Sounds weird dozen tit ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d886a6/i_saw_a_girl_with_6_pairs_of_boobs_the_other_day/
%
I told my wife that I couldn't imagine myself happily married with anyone else.

No matter how hard I tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8805n/i_told_my_wife_that_i_couldnt_imagine_myself/
%
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas,
she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d87zd0/a_young_nun_who_worked_for_a_local_home_health/
%
STOP YELLING

It's not a-loud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d87z8l/stop_yelling/
%
Old Buddy Hackett Joke

In a terrible accident a wealthy businessman had his penis torn off. Because of his immense wealth when it came time to repair the area he had the surgeon attach an elephant trunk in place of his penis.  He was quite pleased with this and soon his life got back to normal.
The gentleman was attending a dinner party when without warning his trunk rose up and grabbed a bunch of food off the table. The other guests were amazed and quickly asked him to do it again.
His reply, "I would but I don't think I can fit anything else up my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d87z1o/old_buddy_hackett_joke/
%
A pirate walks into a bar

He hobbles up to the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender looks him over and can't help but wonder if this man is really a full blown pirate. So, the bartender asks him, "Where did you get that peg leg"
The pirate replies," Argggg, I fell off me ship, and a crocodile bit me leg off. That's why I have a peg leg"
"Oh, ok," says the bartender, "but why do you have a hook for a hand"
"I was fightin' me enemy and he sliced me hand off with his sword"
"Wow," says the bartender, "and you know I'm gonna ask, but how did you get the patch on your eye"
"Well, see. One day I was sailin' on me big ship and I looked up above and there was a seagull that shit right in my eye", says the pirate.
"Whoa, whoa whoa... your eye is gone because a bird shit in your eye", asks the bartender.
"No, it was me first day wit me hook"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d87ti1/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What is a stick that awesome?

Fantastick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d87sxj/what_is_a_stick_that_awesome/
%
Just got back from the tanning bed

Guess that’s not what my wife meant by get some Sunny D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d87qsf/just_got_back_from_the_tanning_bed/
%
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral

A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word".
"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.
The man stands up, clears his throat and says, "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "That means a lot".
**EDIT**
Fixed grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d87q91/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
%
If humans were categorized like dogs, people from Alabama would be...

The pure breds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d87q71/if_humans_were_categorized_like_dogs_people_from/
%
We'll we'll we'll,

if it isn't autocorrect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d87mn8/well_well_well/
%
So I beat cancer today...

That’ll teach them to believe in horoscopes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d87jij/so_i_beat_cancer_today/
%
Early one morning, late one night

two dead men came out to fight
back to back they faced each-other, drew their swords and shot each-other
A deaf policeman heard the noise, came to rescue the two dead boys
If you don't believe this story it's true, ask the blind man he saw it too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d87g3a/early_one_morning_late_one_night/
%
I've stopped using duolingo for a while now

And my German skills are going from bath to sausage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d87eaa/ive_stopped_using_duolingo_for_a_while_now/
%
I was in the gym with my personal trainer. He asked me if my family had any experience with exercise.

I said, "My father has a really impressive bench."
"Oh does he?" he asked. "I might have to see it some day."
He was quite surprised when I led him to the park.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d87bjs/i_was_in_the_gym_with_my_personal_trainer_he/
%
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

All they said was, "Bach, bach, bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d878l0/why_did_beethoven_get_rid_of_his_chickens/
%
An Irishman went into the confessional.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d873vt/an_irishman_went_into_the_confessional/
%
I must confess, I have repeatedly kicked a helpless, pregnant woman.

But to be fair, I was a fetus, what was I supposed to do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d873oe/i_must_confess_i_have_repeatedly_kicked_a/
%
After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"
The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."
The tree looked embarrassed...
"But, I'm sure we'll work from the ground up, planting seeds together to build an excellent relationship with you for future business." The branch manager explained.
As the tree looked down, he couldn't contain his excitement.
"I've soiled myself..."
*I know I won't get tree-ted well for this joke, and rightfully so...
It's awful.
Happy Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d87062/after_a_grueling_process_a_tree_walks_into_a_bank/
%
Two men, John and Mark are going through the desert when they see a mosque.

John says, "They might give us food, water, and shelter!"
Mark says, "Yeah, but it will help if we are Muslim, so when we are there, I am Mohammed."
John replied, "Okay then Mohammed, let us go to the mosque then, but I am not changing my name."
They arrive at the mosque and are greeted at the door by a member of the mosque.
"Welcome!" he says, "How are you two?"
Mark replied "I am Mohammed and this is John, we have been walking through the desert and need somewhere to stay for the night.,
The man replied, "Then let us get you somewhere to sleep and something to eat!"
They are given rooms and Mark is waiting for them to bring him something to eat and decides to go to John's room. John is eating dinner and has quite a bit of food.
Mark says to the man who helped them, "Wow, John sure does have quite a bit to eat."
The man replied, "Yes, we are always glad to help travelers, oh and happy Ramadan, Mohammed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d86zrd/two_men_john_and_mark_are_going_through_the/
%
"You know, it's times like this I wished I had listened to what my mother has always told me."

"What did she say?"
"I don't know, I wasn't listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d86xqj/you_know_its_times_like_this_i_wished_i_had/
%
As I am getting older, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way..

and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d86vsn/as_i_am_getting_older_i_start_to_think_about_all/
%
My tailor patched up all the holes in my pants.

Now I can't get my feet in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d86v55/my_tailor_patched_up_all_the_holes_in_my_pants/
%
A burglar breaks into a house

While going through the owner's silver ware a voice speaks to him:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"
Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating his line:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"
Burglar: "Look at you, what's your name?!"
Parrot: "Karl-Heinz!"
Burglar: "That's a strange name for a parrot, who would name his parrot 'Karl-Heinz'?!"
Parrot: "The same person who would name his rottweiler 'Heavenly Father'!"
PS: My contribution to r/Jokes on my cake day :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d86t2a/a_burglar_breaks_into_a_house/
%
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d86s63/amazing_simple_home_remedies_that_really_work/
%
What do you call a black pilot?

A pilot, you racist bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d86rnd/what_do_you_call_a_black_pilot/
%
A computer program required 8 bits of memory

but the programmer mistakenly allocated space for a 64 bit integer instead
They then tried to rectify the issue by declaring a second 64 bit integer but this didn't have the desired effect
Two longs don't make a byte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d86ejd/a_computer_program_required_8_bits_of_memory/
%
People in cars cause accidents.

Accidents in cars cause people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8644b/people_in_cars_cause_accidents/
%
I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together.

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d862ia/i_can_swallow_two_pieces_of_string_and_when_they/
%
Some Communists took over a wheel factory today

They declared a revolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d85u64/some_communists_took_over_a_wheel_factory_today/
%
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d85mqc/what_do_you_call_a_cow_in_an_earthquake/
%
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?

A father-in-law!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d85m9i/what_do_you_call_a_priest_who_becomes_a_lawyer/
%
Did you hear about the two guys who stole the calendar...

...They both got six months each.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d85ik0/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_who_stole_the/
%
My brain 3AM:

“ What did bedbugs do before there were beds? ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d85gaf/my_brain_3am/
%
Why don’t dogs sink?

Because they’re good buoys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d85g93/why_dont_dogs_sink/
%
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and asks for a shot of whiskey

The bartender asks him, "what is that thing and why's it in my bar?"
"That's my pet," the man replies. "He follows me everywhere and we both love a good drink."
Sighing, the bartender decides he doesn't have time to argue the semantics of bringing animals into bars and pours two shots, sliding them in front of the man. The first shot is quickly swallowed by the man, who then moves the second in front of the giraffe. To the bartender's surprise, the giraffe leans down, picks up the glass in his mouth, and gulps the whole shot down.
"Another round," the man says, putting a stack of money on the counter. The bartender obliges, and again the two companions down their drinks. This continues several times over, until both man and giraffe look well and truly sloshed. Finally, the man gets up, places a tip on the counter, then stumbles off of his stool towards the exit. The giraffe attempts to follow, but simply collapses unconscious on the floor.
"Hey!" the bartender shouts before the man can leave. "You can't just leave that lyin' there!"
"That's not a lion," the man slurs back, "that's a giraffe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d85fmc/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_giraffe_and_asks/
%
Wife: "If you won $1M from the lottery but I got kidnapped for a ransom of $1M, what would you do?"

Husband: "Good question, but I doubt I could strike the lottery twice in a day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8598o/wife_if_you_won_1m_from_the_lottery_but_i_got/
%
I was amazed to learn that one quarter of women dislike giving oral sex.

25%. Mind blowing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d84ohf/i_was_amazed_to_learn_that_one_quarter_of_women/
%
My son thinks the land of the Jews is fake.

I told him it Israel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d84ncj/my_son_thinks_the_land_of_the_jews_is_fake/
%
What do you call a disabled paedophile?

A creepy crawly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d84n1b/what_do_you_call_a_disabled_paedophile/
%
There once was a man who had just recently lost his arm.

He hated having lost an arm and was struggling with depression from it,
one day he was out walking when he saw a man who had lost both arms,
the man was dancing, swinging his body around, so he asks the man,
"I recently lost my arm and I'm so sad because of it, how come that you who have lost both are dancing around"
the man answered,
"I'm not dancing, my butthole is itching"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d84myx/there_once_was_a_man_who_had_just_recently_lost/
%
My father told me not to make fun of people doing art or gender studied at University

They might spit in my macdonalds fries in the future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d84jws/my_father_told_me_not_to_make_fun_of_people_doing/
%
If you think about it, every marriage is a same sex marriage...

You get married and its the same sex every single time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d84j9w/if_you_think_about_it_every_marriage_is_a_same/
%
In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.
Forgetting himself, the fisherman cries out, "Woah, look at that big son-of-a-bitch!"
Appalled, the priest responds, "Excuse me?"
The fisherman doesn't want to break ties with the priest, and he sees only one way out. "Oh, no, Father, you misunderstand. This fish is called the son-of-a-bitch."
"Oh, of course. I never would have known. Forgive me, my son."
The fisherman cleans the gargantuan bass. They wrap up their day of fishing and head back to the priest's home, since they've decided to cook up the bass for dinner. The priest walks into the house with his cooler, and presents the fish to his cook.
"Look at this big son-of-a-bitch I caught!" he says.
"Oh my God! It's the biggest I've ever seen! But are you sure you should be using that language, Father?" the cook responds.
"Oh, don't worry. This fish's name is 'the son-of-a-bitch.' The fisherman told me so."
"Oh, I understand. I'll start cooking it right away!"
As it happens, this priest is good personal friends with the Pope. By chance, the Pope happens to be in town, so he stops by to see his old friend. He is invited to stay for dinner.
The fisherman, the cook, the priest, and the Pope all are enjoying their dinner, when the Pope speaks up.
"Forgive me, friends, for I know that gluttony is a sin, but I simply can't help myself from eating this marvelous fish. I must know who is responsible."
"Well, I caught the son-of-a-bitch," the priest says.
"I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch," the fisherman says.
"And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch," the cook says.
The Pope looks around the room, astonished. The other three men realize they may have made a great mistake.
After a solid minute of silence, the Pope says, "You know, you motherfuckers are alright."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d84fty/in_a_small_town_theres_a_priest_who_makes_good/
%
My boss told me "As a security guard, its your job to watch the office"....

I'm on season 6 now but don't see what it has to do with security

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d84eel/my_boss_told_me_as_a_security_guard_its_your_job/
%
What the difference between an owl, and a good archer.

A good archer shoots and hits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d84dbt/what_the_difference_between_an_owl_and_a_good/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?

Ones a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8471j/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
Dress for the job

A common quote is dress for the job you want, not the job you have.
I've now been arrested for impersonating a Policeman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d83zeq/dress_for_the_job/
%
My wife got angry at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator...

But now it's all just water under the fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d83wdt/my_wife_got_angry_at_me_for_kicking_the_dropped/
%
How do you know your wife is dead?

Well the sex is about the same but after some time the dishes start piling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d83td8/how_do_you_know_your_wife_is_dead/
%
Someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track.

Police think it was race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d83r7u/someone_has_been_shot_with_a_starter_pistol_at/
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[Long] Two Pakistani politicians Sharif and Shahbaz moved to London where they made friends with a English guy named Paul.

They used to go all over London with him when suddenly one day ...
Paul disappeared.
The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.
The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Paul that would help find him.
Shahbaz said, "Paul was handsome and tall."
The police said, "Most English men are like that. Give us something specific."
Sharif said, "Paul had blue eyes and was very fair."
The Police said, "C'mon guys, lots of English men are fair and have blue eyes, give us something specific."
Sharif and Shahbaz said, "Oh yes ... now we remember ... Paul had two holes in his ass."
The policemen get really interested. They said, "Now that's something very specific, but tell us, how do you know this? Have you guys seen the two holes in his ass?"
Sharif and Shahbaz said,
"No we haven’t actually seen the holes, but wherever we went out with Paul, everyone used to say ... ..."Here comes Paul with the two assholes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d83q1g/long_two_pakistani_politicians_sharif_and_shahbaz/
%
If you spell Breaking Bad backwards, you will get "Dab Gnikaerb"

Which still makes more sense than Game of thrones\` entire season 8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d83o7x/if_you_spell_breaking_bad_backwards_you_will_get/
%
My company makes parachutes for skydivers

We offer free refund for defective products but it seems like our customers are very generous about small mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d83jve/my_company_makes_parachutes_for_skydivers/
%
If getting on a train is alighting

Then getting it off must be delighting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d83go9/if_getting_on_a_train_is_alighting/
%
I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, "Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?"

I said, "What are the options?"
She said, "Yes and No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d83dll/i_was_on_a_flight_the_other_day_when_the_air/
%
A newly wed woman says to her friend "i gotta be careful not to get pregnant"

Friend: Didn't your husband get a vasectomy?
Woman: Precisely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d82y8i/a_newly_wed_woman_says_to_her_friend_i_gotta_be/
%
I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub.
The next evening I thought I’d give it another try so I went to its tank again and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner.
The following evening I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede replied ‘I heard you the first time I’m just putting my fucking shoes on’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d82we3/i_went_to_the_pet_shop_and_the_owner_said_he_had/
%
There's a anti vax kids only summer camp

It's called the cemetery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d82v6r/theres_a_anti_vax_kids_only_summer_camp/
%
The Rabbi and the Sheikh

A wealthy Sheikh who was travelling in the US met a terrible accident and would need to undergo blood transfusion. The Sheikh had a rare type of blood that the doctor's had never encountered before.
They made tests from several donors but found no match, days passed and the Sheikh's health was getting worse. Finally, on the 7th day, they found the same blood type, A Rabbi from the local town.
After a couple of bags was transfused, the life of the sheikh was saved. After hearing what the rabbi did, the sheikh sent generous gifts to the rabbi. These included bricks of gold, tons of cash and luxurious cars he didn't even know existed.
Years passed and the Sheikh needed blood transfusion again, the rabbi was informed and again without hesitation, donated blood. The sheikh's life has been saved once again, and knowing the donor, he never hesitated to send a "Thank You!" letter and a bouquet of flowers.
The rabbi, confused, called the sheikh and asked why he only received a letter and a bunch of flowers, to which he answered, "You see my friend, I now have Jewish blood running through my veins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d82fdc/the_rabbi_and_the_sheikh/
%
It's very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does no one is shocked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d82cr5/its_very_rare_that_a_defibrillator_fails/
%
What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d829z5/what_did_the_pink_panther_say_when_he_stepped_on/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

Always getting my name wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d827bc/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
What happens when a priest passes away?

they parish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d826ww/what_happens_when_a_priest_passes_away/
%
2 men exploring find a bat in a cave...

Decide to go back and play baseball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d822ni/2_men_exploring_find_a_bat_in_a_cave/
%
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other...

How do you drive this thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d821jv/two_fish_in_a_tank_one_says_to_the_other/
%
Today I got punished for something I didn’t even think about doing...

My homework.  (This is my first post on Reddit, so you can think that this joke is bad. It’s because I’m new to Reddit.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d81q2c/today_i_got_punished_for_something_i_didnt_even/
%
English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like an 's', but sometimes it isn't.

Source: Course

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d81lcj/english_is_weird_sometimes_the_letter_c_is/
%
(NSFW) A man had a 16 inch Dick.

Poor guy. He couldn't get any gals.
He went to a doctor, who was looking at the miracle unbelievably.
"I..I.." the doctor stuttered, " Medical science cannot cure this."
Poor guy.
"But..." the doctor says, "there is a wizard in the deep Lock Nock Lake. Go to him and he'll surely help."
Poor guy went to the wizard.
"Hmm... I see. There is a magical frog across this lake. Ask him to marry you. If he says no, you're dick will become 3 inches short."
Poor guy.
He went across the river, and as he reached the frog, he asked him as elegantly he could, "Will you marry me?"
"No" ,said the magical frog.
13 inches.
He asked again, in astonishment this time, "Will you marry me?"
"No",said the magical frog, annoyed this time.
10 inches. "Once more and I'll be good to go",thought the man.
He asked again, in excitement this time, "Will you marry me?"
The frog was annoyed beyond the horizon this time.
"How many time do I have to tell you?",said the frog, in frustration this time
"NO NO NO".
Poor guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d81iqw/nsfw_a_man_had_a_16_inch_dick/
%
What vegetable loves roller coasters?

Celerweeeeeeeeeeeee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d81f05/what_vegetable_loves_roller_coasters/
%
Conductor

One day, a train conductor is walking down the aisle making sure everyone has a ticket. As he’s making his way down he sees the mayor, he asks the mayor for his ticket and the mayor says “dang I must’ve forgotten it in my car” and the conductor says “no ticket, no ride” and he throws the mayor out of the train which kills him instantly. In court he is sentenced so death by electric char. When they ask him what his last wish is, he asks for a banana. They give it to him, he does a perfect 3 peel and eats it in one bite. Then they turn on the electric chair to 25% power for 10 minutes. At the end of 10 minutes, he’s still alive so they let him go. He goes back to work and as he’s collecting tickets, he sees the president and he asks for his ticket. The president says “dang I must’ve left it in my other pants” and the conductor says “no ticket, no ride” and throws the president out of the train and kills him instantly. When he goes to court they’re like ugh you agin!? And sentence him to the electric chair. He asks for a banana again and does a perfect 3 peel and eats it in one bite. Then they turn the chair on to 50% power for 30 minutes. At the end of 30 minutes, he’s still alive. And so they let him go. Then he goes back to work and while collecting tickets he sees the pope. And when he asks the pope for his ticket, the pope says “heck I must’ve left it in my other robe” and the conductor says “no ticket, no ride” and he throws the pope out the train and kills him. Then when he goes to court they just roll their eyes and give him the banana. He does a perfect 3 peel and eats it in one bite. Then they turn the chair to full power for an hour. After the hour they have to let him go, but before he leaves, the executioner asks him “how do you keep surviving?” And the man says with a big grin on his face “I guess I’m not a very good conductor!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d81e8k/conductor/
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I heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased The Lord

It was Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d819qj/i_heard_there_was_a_secret_chord_that_david/
%
I'd tell you a joke about ADHD

God damnit, where was I going with this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d814mn/id_tell_you_a_joke_about_adhd/
%
Why does a dog float in water?

Because he's a good buoy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d814lx/why_does_a_dog_float_in_water/
%
Mom: wake up son it's time to go to school

Son: But mom i dont want to go! All the students hate me and talk about me behind my back
Mom:But you have to go! Your the principal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d813gn/mom_wake_up_son_its_time_to_go_to_school/
%
What do you call a a tree after you've cut off the limbs?

An amputree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d80th5/what_do_you_call_a_a_tree_after_youve_cut_off_the/
%
Thanksgiving Dinner

A young couple and their 5 yr old son were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with all the Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, cousins and friends. The father asked who would like to say Grace. His young son spoke up, "I want say the prayer mommy says". His mother filled with pride, and told him to go ahead. Every one bowed their heads. The young boy bowed his head and put his hands together. With a stong clear voice the boy recited his mother's prayer...'Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Sweet Jesus Yes, Oh God, Don't Stop. Amen'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d80tbd/thanksgiving_dinner/
%
My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry,

I'll return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d80r90/my_wife_kicked_me_out_because_of_my_terrible/
%
Why are there no women magicians?

Because we burned them all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d80nna/why_are_there_no_women_magicians/
%
What's the difference between a really bad golfer and a really bad skydiver?

The golfer goes: wack, darn. The skydiver goes: darn, wack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d80acr/whats_the_difference_between_a_really_bad_golfer/
%
I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.”

Which might explain why his marriage failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d806jh/i_asked_my_father_how_many_a_couple_is_he_said/
%
A man with perfect work attendance calls in sick one day...

His boss is really worried about him, as he'd never missed a day of work in 15 years. So he gets in his car and drives over to his house to make sure he's okay.
He knocks, but there's no answer. He puts his ear to the door and hears moaning. "Oh no! He's dying!" the boss says. He busts in the door and runs up the stairs, ready to dial 911. But in the bedroom at the end of the hall, he sees his star employee fucking the shit out a brunette.
"Simmons!" the boss says. "I thought you said you were sick!"
"I am sick!" the guy says. "This is my mom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d80695/a_man_with_perfect_work_attendance_calls_in_sick/
%
You shouldn’t do Calculus when drinking...

After all, you shouldn’t drink and derive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d804s7/you_shouldnt_do_calculus_when_drinking/
%
A guy walks into a bar

in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d8024a/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How are drug addicts executed in Saudi?

Stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7zvsw/how_are_drug_addicts_executed_in_saudi/
%
A boy goes to his grandfather and asks him for 5 bucks to buy a Guinea pig.

Grampa gives him ten and tells him to go find a nice Irish girl instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7zuow/a_boy_goes_to_his_grandfather_and_asks_him_for_5/
%
How did Canada get it’s name?

Their founders put a bunch of letters in a hat and pulled them out:
“C” eh, “N” eh, “D” eh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7zqpz/how_did_canada_get_its_name/
%
Why didn't anyone laugh when the king farted at the duning table?

Because Noble gases do not react

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7zidf/why_didnt_anyone_laugh_when_the_king_farted_at/
%
I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company

It was soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7zg37/i_used_to_work_for_a_soft_drink_can_crushing/
%
Why did the IRS officer arrest the prostitute at the dinner party?

Because she was working under the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7z7uy/why_did_the_irs_officer_arrest_the_prostitute_at/
%
The first rule of mute club is

Nobody talks about mute club

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7z3cl/the_first_rule_of_mute_club_is/
%
My girlfriend left me today because I quit taking her to seafood restaurants.

Turns out she was only with me because of my mussels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ytx6/my_girlfriend_left_me_today_because_i_quit_taking/
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70 year old widow

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7yevl/70_year_old_widow/
%
Don’t drink beer while solving Calculus homework

You shouldn’t drink and derive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7yci2/dont_drink_beer_while_solving_calculus_homework/
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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7y0gv/when_nasa_was_preparing_for_the_apollo_project/
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What happens when a red-head acquires the Infinity Gauntlet?

A ginger snaps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7xydi/what_happens_when_a_redhead_acquires_the_infinity/
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What kind of music do chiropractors like?

Hip hop.
What kind of music does the grim reaper like? Death metal and Soul.
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7xuti/what_kind_of_music_do_chiropractors_like/
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If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana...

They have to take the 420 Highway!
(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7xtqr/if_americans_in_niagara_falls_want_to_get_to/
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I like to play chess with old people in the park.

Although I will admit that it is difficult to round up 32 of them and get them to play in costume.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7xsi7/i_like_to_play_chess_with_old_people_in_the_park/
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Three old men talking about their health problems.

One says “I get up a seven and it takes me twenty minutes to have a pee!”
The second guy says “ I get up at eight and it takes me thirty minutes to have a crap!”
The third guy says” I pee like at horse at seven and crap like a cow at eight!”
“So what’s your problem?” The other two ask him.
“ I don’t get up till nine!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7x6cy/three_old_men_talking_about_their_health_problems/
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7x386/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
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What is a vampires favorite beer?

Blood Light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7wuq7/what_is_a_vampires_favorite_beer/
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What does a newscaster say when he’s having sex?

This just in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7wp1q/what_does_a_newscaster_say_when_hes_having_sex/
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Hackers in a movie be like

lasdkfjhehdfvjdkfhier dhghtwoief ghih egjiufye r
I'm in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7we44/hackers_in_a_movie_be_like/
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One day, Keanu Reeves is leaving his house...

On his way out, his home is surrounded by paparazzi. Looking into the crowds, he sees 20 people or so, and standing in between all of them, is a rather large machine. He hides his face and quickly rushes to his car.
Keanu, knowing how to elude the paparazzi where possible, drives a rather round about way, and eventually arrives at the site of his newest film. when he gets there, he realizes some of the paparazzi have followed him. Looking now, there is about 10 people, and still between all of them, there is a rather large machine.
He quickly ducks into an alley way and tries to lose them, running for blocks and blocks, going in and out of shops. Eventually, looking back, he is all alone. He makes his way down the street until he hears a metallic clunking behind him. When he looks back, he sees the rather large machine, this time standing alone on the sidewalk. He continues to move until he hears the clunking again. looking back, the rather large machine has gotten closer, now knocking over mailboxes, and civilians along the way.
Keanu breaks into a full sprint but the clunking only gets louder. His heart is pounding as the rather large machine gets closer and closer. Eventually, he has had enough, and whips around angrily. Just as he is about to begin yelling furiously though, he is caught of guard by a giant gust of wind to the face, his hair whips around and he cant so much as force a word out as he is overwhelmed.
when the airflow finally breaks, keanu says “I am sorry, I thought you were with the paparazzi!”
The rather large machine responds: “Heavens no! Im just a really big fan!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7vz2n/one_day_keanu_reeves_is_leaving_his_house/
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What did one twin say to the other after surviving a failed abortion.

They will never de-fetus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7vm5v/what_did_one_twin_say_to_the_other_after/
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What do you tell someone who gets lucky in the loo?

_Urine_ luck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7vjyf/what_do_you_tell_someone_who_gets_lucky_in_the_loo/
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7vjgh/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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Why can’t Mike Tyson do math?

He’s not a prietht.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7vjdc/why_cant_mike_tyson_do_math/
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Why is it called boob sweat and not . . .

Humidititties?
Credit: El Arroyo Mexican Restaurant Marquee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7vi7k/why_is_it_called_boob_sweat_and_not/
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Dark Story Joke

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7vhes/dark_story_joke/
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If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7vbyu/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_each_time_somebody_mixed_up/
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3 men go to Kmart to buy condoms..

...the first one is 75 years old. He asks one of the clerks which aisle the condoms can be found. She tells him Aisle 5. When he gets to Aisle 5 he sees another clerk, a very attractive female, putting boxes of condoms on the shelf. She asks him if she can help him. He explains he would like to buy some condoms. She asks him what size he needs and he says that he isn’t sure. She then tells him to unzip his fly and take his willy out. The man is taken aback but follows her instruction. The female clerk rubs his willy a couple of times, tugs on it and then says into the microphone clipped to her vest, which broadcasts into the store’s public address system, “Box of medium size condoms to Aisle 5 please; Box of medium size condoms to Aisle 5 please.”
Ten minutes later a 60 year old man shows up on Aisle 5 to buy condoms. When the man is uncertain what size he needs, the attractive female clerk asks the man to take his willy out and after a few rubs and tugs she announces over the store’s public address system, “Box large size condoms to Aisle 5 please; box of large size condoms to Aisle 5 please.”
A few minutes later a 20 year old man shows up at Aisle 5 looking for condoms. He too is unsure what size to buy. Once again, the attractive female clerk asks the customer to take his willy out. After 3 or 4 rubs and a few tugs, the following announcement comes over the store’s public address system, “CLEAN UP ON AISLE 5! CLEAN UP ON AISLE 5!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7vbrl/3_men_go_to_kmart_to_buy_condoms/
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

A woman at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7v6ug/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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A taxi driver is driving a passenger

With radio blaring local news. The passenger asked the driver to turn down the radio. After minutes of no response, the passenger got impatient and tapped the driver’s shoulder.
Suddenly the taxi swerved to the left, narrowly missing a car and skidding uncontrollably towards a newsstand, and a hotdog stand right behind it, until it’s stopped by a wall. The driver’s face was paper-white and people are running left and right. Luckily nobody was harmed.
The passenger jumped out the door and screams, “What the hell, man?!? Are you drunk?? Sleepy??”
The driver apologizes profusely, “I’m really sorry, Sir. I’m perfectly focused, it’s just that this is my first day on the job.”
The passenger got even more angry, “So what?? Is it your first day driving as well??”
“No, Sir,” replied the driver, “I’ve been driving since high school, and all my life driving is the only thing I do. It’s just that, this is the first time for me driving a taxi. I have 20 years of experience driving a hearse.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7v5w4/a_taxi_driver_is_driving_a_passenger/
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I woke up and my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, “this isn’t working bye.”

I opened it, and it was working just fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7uu8b/i_woke_up_and_my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the/
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Why did the band Sepultura have to go to the hairdressers?

Because you could see their roots, bloody roots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7uqw1/why_did_the_band_sepultura_have_to_go_to_the/
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I hear there's a tropical storm Karen heading for the US...

They have warn all department stores and fast-food joints in the coastal area to batten down their managers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7upyc/i_hear_theres_a_tropical_storm_karen_heading_for/
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This was my Laffy taffy joke I choked on it while I read this

What Kind Of Tree Grows In Your Hand?
A palm tree!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7unx8/this_was_my_laffy_taffy_joke_i_choked_on_it_while/
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A Mexican particle physicist was asked if he was ready to explain the neutrino in layman's terms or if he required more time.

He said "no mass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ulrh/a_mexican_particle_physicist_was_asked_if_he_was/
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How did the virus introduce itself?

Hi, I'm an influenza, check out my YouTube page!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ujdm/how_did_the_virus_introduce_itself/
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Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face.

I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7u9zv/beyonce_was_just_telling_me_the_best_way_to/
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B flat, E flat, and G flat walk into a bar. The bartender stopped them and said,

"We don't serve minors"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7u6aw/b_flat_e_flat_and_g_flat_walk_into_a_bar_the/
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What should a snowman never ask a rabbit?

Can you scratch my nose?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7u213/what_should_a_snowman_never_ask_a_rabbit/
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While I was shopping, I saw an ad in a window. It said, “Television for $1, volume stuck on full.”

There’s no way I can turn that down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7u1fh/while_i_was_shopping_i_saw_an_ad_in_a_window_it/
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How can you see if a guy can laugh?

Give him test tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7u0un/how_can_you_see_if_a_guy_can_laugh/
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Today is my 5th cake day

And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids ever will be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7twzx/today_is_my_5th_cake_day/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

... it doesn’t last long for the fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7twsi/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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How do physicists play Volleyball?

In vacuum with perfect spheres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7tu4i/how_do_physicists_play_volleyball/
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So I got a phone call from my twin brother in prison.

He said: “you remember how we would always finish each other’s sentences?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7tttx/so_i_got_a_phone_call_from_my_twin_brother_in/
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How did the rock climber lose his friend?

He cut ties with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7tk7z/how_did_the_rock_climber_lose_his_friend/
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What did communists use before they used candle light?

Lightbulbs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7tjrm/what_did_communists_use_before_they_used_candle/
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For the longest time I refused to attend PTA meetings because I couldn't stand the fact that each one ended with an orgy.

But eventually, I had to come on principal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7thh2/for_the_longest_time_i_refused_to_attend_pta/
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What are you going to do in the weekend?

"I'm going to buy glasses."
"And then what?"
"Then I'll see."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7tbnq/what_are_you_going_to_do_in_the_weekend/
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What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7t9uw/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_bodybuilder_whos_run/
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I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious…

She’s asked me to move out with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7t8rn/ive_been_dating_a_homeless_woman_recently_and_i/
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Kim Jong Un has an affair with a French lady and she had a son.

She named it Kim Jong Deux.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7sxzw/kim_jong_un_has_an_affair_with_a_french_lady_and/
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I saw a fat woman standing at the bus stop.

I asked her when is it due?, she then went into a right rage and said I am not pregnant you ignorant Bastard. I said I was on about the bus you fat cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7sv24/i_saw_a_fat_woman_standing_at_the_bus_stop/
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I went bed shopping the other day but I couldn't decide which one to go for....

So I thought I had better sleep on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7slr5/i_went_bed_shopping_the_other_day_but_i_couldnt/
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A wife was cleaning their sons bedroom, She finds loads of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?

The husband answers "I'm no expert but we definitely shouldn't spank him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7sjpz/a_wife_was_cleaning_their_sons_bedroom_she_finds/
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Are my testicles black?

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth "Nurse" he mumbles "Are my testicles black ?" She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She strokes them very slowly . Then she takes a closer look and says "There's nothing wrong with them". The man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very very carefully" ... "Are-my-test-results-back ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7sho4/are_my_testicles_black/
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Healed!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.  When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.  "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7sf78/healed/
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A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking greyhound For Sale.'

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.
"Yes," the greyhound replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the greyhound talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The greyhound looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a greyhound would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the greyhound.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this greyhound is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7sc1o/a_man_sees_a_sign_outside_a_house_talking/
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I saw people waiting to get to the refreshments table at a party...

... and I said, "I guess this would be the punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7sa58/i_saw_people_waiting_to_get_to_the_refreshments/
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I was about to invent a circular sword.

But then I thought, what's the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7s8uv/i_was_about_to_invent_a_circular_sword/
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a man takes a day off work to go golfing

He’s ready to tee off when he hears a frog, “ribbit, 9 iron”
The man is confused, but the frog speaks again, “ribbit, 9 iron”
To prove the frog wrong, the man pulls out his 9 iron and swings at the ball.
Hole in one.
The man bends down and says “you must be a lucky frog”
The frog replies, “ribbit, lucky frog”
The man takes the frog to the next hole and the frog goes, “ribbit, 3 wood”
The man pulls out a three wood and swings.
Hole in one.
“Wow you really are a lucky frog, what’s next?” the man asks.
“Ribbit, Vegas.”
So the man takes the frog to the casino and walks up to the roulette table and asks the frog, “what’s the bet?”
“Ribbit, $6000, black, 6.”
“That’s a million-in-one bet,” the man says. He puts down the bet anyways and he hits.
The man then goes and gets the most expensive penthouse in all of Vegas.
“How can I ever repay you?” the man asks.
“Ribbit, kiss me”
So he kisses the frog and it turns into a 15 year old girl
and THAT your honor, is how she ended up in my room last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7s5n5/a_man_takes_a_day_off_work_to_go_golfing/
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What do you call an owl with a PhD?

Doctor who

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7s2wx/what_do_you_call_an_owl_with_a_phd/
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A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad.

The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"
The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7rz76/a_tortoise_beat_up_a_snail_pretty_bad/
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Why doesn't sex with vampires result in pregnancy?

Because vampires can't come inside without permission.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7rvmn/why_doesnt_sex_with_vampires_result_in_pregnancy/
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A Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.
A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7rux2/a_native_american_chief_had_three_wives_each_of/
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Why do they have changing rooms in the Special Olympics?

Because vegetables are better with dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ruhy/why_do_they_have_changing_rooms_in_the_special/
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How do cows get high?

Milkweed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7rrb1/how_do_cows_get_high/
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You brush your teeth at night to keep your teeth...

You brush them in the morning to keep your friends.
Credit of this joke goes to my dental hygienist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7rl9y/you_brush_your_teeth_at_night_to_keep_your_teeth/
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Some people say the Canadian prime minister does not like dressing up like a black person.

But it's Trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7remt/some_people_say_the_canadian_prime_minister_does/
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When a fetus is hungry, what does it do?

It orders womb service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7rajr/when_a_fetus_is_hungry_what_does_it_do/
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What do you call a pair of crows?

An attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7r6n8/what_do_you_call_a_pair_of_crows/
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Who is your favorite X-Man?

I like Wolverine but Bruce Jenner is a close second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7r5g8/who_is_your_favorite_xman/
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This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day . . .

. . . doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep.
The next day he was in the shower when he heard the voice again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas." He ignored it and went to work, but while in the elevator going up to his office, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas."
Later that day, while he was in a meeting, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas." On the car ride home, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas." In bed trying to sleep, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas."
The next day was worse. He started hearing the voice every hour on the hour. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas." He didn't tell anyone, because he didn't want anyone to think he was crazy. He tried to ignore it, but the voice was persistant... "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas."
The next day, he was hearing the voice over and over and over again. It was louder than ever. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas."
Finally, the guy snaps. "ALL RIGHT!"
He immediately quits his job, goes out and sells his house, takes the money, buys a plane ticket, and flies off to Las Vegas. After he walks out of the airport and into the Vegas sun, he hears the voice again. "Take your money. Go to Caesar's Palace."
The guy hails a taxi and immediately goes to Caesar's Palace. As soon as he walks into the front door, he hears the voice again. "Go to the roulette tables." The guy runs to the roulette tables. "Go to table 45." The guy runs to table 45. The voice says, "take all your money and bet it on red 21." The guy takes all of his money and puts it on red 21.
The dealer spins the wheel and the ball lands on Black 18.
"FUCK!" yells the voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7qv93/this_guy_was_sitting_in_his_cubicle_one_day/
%
My old aunts always tells at weddings:" well , do you think you'll be next?"

We've settled this quickly once i've started saying that to them at funerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7qu4r/my_old_aunts_always_tells_at_weddings_well_do_you/
%
What do you call a container that's slightly open?

Ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7qsdr/what_do_you_call_a_container_thats_slightly_open/
%
I just spent $100 on a limited edition DVD of Star Trek 2

Turns out the seller was a Kahn man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7qr3p/i_just_spent_100_on_a_limited_edition_dvd_of_star/
%
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90.
The Hilton charges $108.
We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7q8lf/a_couple_both_age_78_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
%
A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?" the fly asks.
"I 'might' be," giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard," groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7q1vo/a_fly_feels_a_bug_on_its_back/
%
What is the state with the fastest growing capital?

Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7q1td/what_is_the_state_with_the_fastest_growing_capital/
%
How to say goodbye in German.

See ya lader, hosen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7q0z1/how_to_say_goodbye_in_german/
%
Knock Knock Joke #1

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Wooden Shoe.
Wooden Shoe who?
Wooden Shoe want to upvote this joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7pli1/knock_knock_joke_1/
%
The young Pharoah rarely, if ever, passed gas...

This is why they nicknamed him King Toot Uncommon.
-from my son, age 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7pl8w/the_young_pharoah_rarely_if_ever_passed_gas/
%
What happens when you overdose on viagra ?

you die HARD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7pjy1/what_happens_when_you_overdose_on_viagra/
%
I just got in trouble from my parents for yelling "What the duck!"

They told me I'm not to use fowl language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ph0h/i_just_got_in_trouble_from_my_parents_for_yelling/
%
When i try to impress a girl

I always say that i can last 18 billion nanoseconds...
Unless they know mathematics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7pdlg/when_i_try_to_impress_a_girl/
%
Why did the USSR fall apart so quickly?

Because they're always Russian out there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7pa3f/why_did_the_ussr_fall_apart_so_quickly/
%
The change of position over time is velocity

The change of velocity over time is acceleration.
The change of acceleration over time is a jerk.
The change of a jerk over time is an election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7p6fg/the_change_of_position_over_time_is_velocity/
%
What did the left nut tell the right nut?

Don't talk to the middle guy, he's a dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7p5pd/what_did_the_left_nut_tell_the_right_nut/
%
Snow isn’t a problem is Muslim Countries but...

...ISIS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ox5f/snow_isnt_a_problem_is_muslim_countries_but/
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Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ovsb/did_you_know_that_drinking_tea_while_being_too/
%
I like sadism, necrophillia and bestiality.

Am I flogging a dead horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7outn/i_like_sadism_necrophillia_and_bestiality/
%
I just found out I've been dating a communist....

I should have seen the red flags sooner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ote7/i_just_found_out_ive_been_dating_a_communist/
%
What is blue and not heavy?

Light blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ot6f/what_is_blue_and_not_heavy/
%
A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"
"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"
"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.
"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you Paddy?"
"Well, our neighbour was painting his fence with a toothbrush." said Paddy. "Dad says it's going to take the contagious!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7odv2/a_teacher_in_ireland_is_giving_an_english_lesson/
%
Why is Kim-Jong-Un so cruel?

Because he doesn't have a Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ocor/why_is_kimjongun_so_cruel/
%
Last night my wife wore a police uniform in bed and said, "you've been arrested for being good in bed!"

90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7oc69/last_night_my_wife_wore_a_police_uniform_in_bed/
%
How does Jesus make his tea?

Hebrews it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7obx5/how_does_jesus_make_his_tea/
%
It was really hot today.

It was so hot that I took all my clothes off and opened all the windows.
I felt brilliant, but I think the other people on the bus were a bit shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7obk7/it_was_really_hot_today/
%
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolboy and your brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7o9m2/one_morning_while_making_breakfast_a_man_walked/
%
Why do horny Vegans prefer phone sex?

It's the meet-free option.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7o6oc/why_do_horny_vegans_prefer_phone_sex/
%
What do you call an emo person with cancer

Chemo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7o0dx/what_do_you_call_an_emo_person_with_cancer/
%
A man was arrested while running in a wheat field.

.
.
He was charged for going against the grain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7nw13/a_man_was_arrested_while_running_in_a_wheat_field/
%
Why does mexico not have a olympic team?

Because everyone who can run, jump and swim are already in the US.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7nvqz/why_does_mexico_not_have_a_olympic_team/
%
Two guys walk into a bar

The third one ducks
I'm basic af

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7nsxb/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair.

Well, guess who came crawling back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7nrhi/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_took_her/
%
Charlie Sheen and Rihanna meet outside of an elevator.

Both wait patiently for the elevator to arrive. When the doors open Rihanna makes a hand gesture and says: '' Aids before Beauty ''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7nk7c/charlie_sheen_and_rihanna_meet_outside_of_an/
%
"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7nfes/having_too_much_sex_can_result_in_memory_loss/
%
Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.
"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"
"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"
"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so they arrested me for owning a Western watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7nehm/three_men_were_sitting_in_a_prison_cell_in_moscow/
%
A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.

A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health."
The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old."
"By eating chocolates?" The man asked.
"No, by minding his own business." He replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7n94v/a_little_boy_was_walking_on_the_road_eating_a/
%
I don't know why people knock dad jokes, women love them.

Otherwise they'd be called bachelor jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7mx8b/i_dont_know_why_people_knock_dad_jokes_women_love/
%
I think I just found the oldest person alive...

I overheard a conversation of a man having a problem because his birth certificate is already expired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7mwqv/i_think_i_just_found_the_oldest_person_alive/
%
Why does Cinderella give the best blowjobs?

Because she won't stop until she gets to the ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7m9j2/why_does_cinderella_give_the_best_blowjobs/
%
Mufasa: Everything the light touches, is our kingdom. Simba: What about that shadowy pla-?

Mufasa: Did I fucking stutter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7m2by/mufasa_everything_the_light_touches_is_our/
%
I asked my doll if it was possessed

I'm glad it said no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7lxzz/i_asked_my_doll_if_it_was_possessed/
%
Why do people in wheelchairs always get bullied?

They can't stand up for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7lwcz/why_do_people_in_wheelchairs_always_get_bullied/
%
Three children named Feather, Droplet, and Brick went to their mother to ask why they were named so.

Feather went to his mother and asked,"Mother, why is my name Feather?" And the mother replied,"because when you were born, a feather fell on your forehead." Satisfied, Feather went away.
After Feather, Droplet went to his mother and asked,"Mother, why is my name Droplet?" And the mother replied,"because when you were born, a water droplet fell on your forehead." Satisfied, Droplet went away.
After both Feather and Droplet went, Brick shuffled over to his mother and said,"hur dur rung a bung?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7lg4v/three_children_named_feather_droplet_and_brick/
%
Fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

Harold lived on a farm and his wife,Mabel, who was always sort of nagging him. And every year the carnival roll into town and have these $50 helicopter rides. He always wanted to take one of these helicopter rides but his wife told him they weren’t going to waste money on it. Then one year when they’re both in their late 60s the man turns to his wife and tells her:
“Mabel, I’m in my twilight years and I ain’t leaving this damn carnival until I get a helicopter ride”
“No Harold! Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”
Then a loud argument ensues, to which the whole carnival could hear. However, the pilot of the helicopter over hears these two people arguing about the helicopter ride and he sees an opportunity.
“Hey you two!” He said “If you two can get on and stay quite, the whole thing is free. But if one of you makes the slightest noise...well....fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
Well, the old man took up that deal,  and they both set off in the helicopter. Well, the pilot wants to get that $50 and he starts doing twirls, spins, and all sorts of tricks in order to get this money. However, not a sound from either of them. By the time the pilot lands is playing, he’s exhausted.
“Jesus, y’all sure were quite throughout that ride.”
Then Harold spoke.
“We’ll I would’ve told you Mabel fell out of the plane 10 minutes ago but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7le00/fifty_dollars_is_fifty_dollars/
%
How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ldbp/how_can_you_differentiate_male_ants_from_female/
%
The Empire demanded the Kingdom send a baron as hostage or risk invasion. The King, scared for his life, decided to send the Empire someone with a higher rank.

The Empire got a viscount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ld47/the_empire_demanded_the_kingdom_send_a_baron_as/
%
My friend freaked tf out because I asked him to come over to play basketball

I don't understand why anyone would get upset about being invited to shoot some horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7lbus/my_friend_freaked_tf_out_because_i_asked_him_to/
%
(NSFW) What do you call it when someone cuts off their penis and sticks it to their forehead?

A eunuch-horn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7kzh6/nsfw_what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_cuts_off/
%
(Nsfw) My girlfriend asked me why I always take my phone with me to the bathroom.

I told her it’s because I can get more shit done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7kyjb/nsfw_my_girlfriend_asked_me_why_i_always_take_my/
%
Emo grass

It cuts its self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7kwxb/emo_grass/
%
What’s the difference between Christians and Jews?

Christians get guilt from the Bible. Jews get it from their mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7kv3l/whats_the_difference_between_christians_and_jews/
%
I was gonna make a river joke

But I dont think its current

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ku35/i_was_gonna_make_a_river_joke/
%
I call my horse Mayo.

And sometimes Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ktmj/i_call_my_horse_mayo/
%
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, its fake news that the light bulb is burned out.
And they like being in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7kn0b/how_many_trump_supporters_does_it_take_to_change/
%
What do you call an overweight psychic?

A four chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7kme3/what_do_you_call_an_overweight_psychic/
%
What do priests have in common with Cinderella?

Both love balls, but not after 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7kgqi/what_do_priests_have_in_common_with_cinderella/
%
I once put ketchup up my nose to emulate a bad nose bleed.

It was a bad idea in Heinz-sight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7kgjf/i_once_put_ketchup_up_my_nose_to_emulate_a_bad/
%
Why don’t Brexiters wear condoms?

They prefer to pull out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ke30/why_dont_brexiters_wear_condoms/
%
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7k9gv/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
What goes after 69?

Mouthwash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7k901/what_goes_after_69/
%
What’s the difference between a urologist and a podiatrist?

One is a lot more impressed if you show him a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7k5jk/whats_the_difference_between_a_urologist_and_a/
%
"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.
"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.
"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.
"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.
"Won," radioed the American sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7k0pc/un_deux_trois_quatre_radioed_the_french_ship/
%
Someone said I looked better without glasses.

I just don't see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7jml7/someone_said_i_looked_better_without_glasses/
%
My friend and I made a bet, who can make the other person cry first using food.

While he went off to shop for onions, I got a coconut, and as he was pulling into the driveway from the grocery store, I threw it into him, smashing the window.
He lost the bet, a window, and a tooth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7jklj/my_friend_and_i_made_a_bet_who_can_make_the_other/
%
What is a vampire's weakness?

Hepatitis B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7jg3c/what_is_a_vampires_weakness/
%
When I was a young, I loved basketball and was a huge Michael Jordan fan. But I wasn't sure if I had enough talent to become a pro player. Until one day I saw this huge poster. In the poster Jordan points at me and the caption reads "JUST DO IT". I got tears in my eyes and decided "I will do IT! ".

That's how I became a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7jdrp/when_i_was_a_young_i_loved_basketball_and_was_a/
%
Cardi B has a sister that sells used cars

Her name is Cardi Lership

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7jd9r/cardi_b_has_a_sister_that_sells_used_cars/
%
What do you call a cow that had a baby?

Decalfinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7itmj/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_had_a_baby/
%
We fear no wives

Three guys are sitting in a bar. Suddenly the first guy’s phone rings, he immediately answered it then without saying anything he ran out the door only to rush back, quickly throws 10-dollar bills on the bar while muttering, “Damn I forgot to do the dishes, the wife’s on the way home.” Then he ran faster than before.
The second guy chuckled. “Take a look at that! You know around my house I call the shots,” he says as he got up and take out his wallet to pay for his drink. “The moment I enter the house, when I clapped my hands twice, I got hot water immediately prepared for me.”
Then he proceeded walking towards the door, “...I hate washing the dishes with cold water.”
All these while the third guy just silently enjoying his drink. Taking each sip calmly with a satisfied look. The bartender said, “Well, Sir, I guess you have your life well in order compared to those two. You are the master of your domain, right?”
The guy smiled and reply, “I don’t mean to brag, but last time I talked with my wife she was on her knees. All fours, even.”
“What did she say?” The bartender asked.
The third guy sipped his drink, then say: “Well, she said if I’m really a man then come out from under the bed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ik23/we_fear_no_wives/
%
Why are vampires like wizards?

Because they’re neck-romancers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ijif/why_are_vampires_like_wizards/
%
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it's a hardware problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7igp2/how_many_software_engineers_does_it_take_to/
%
I have a friend who is paralysed, which is great for high pressure situations.

She doesn’t really feel nerves anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7idek/i_have_a_friend_who_is_paralysed_which_is_great/
%
Why are tyres so expensive these days?

Inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7iban/why_are_tyres_so_expensive_these_days/
%
Life after death does exist!

Just not for the person that died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7i9gz/life_after_death_does_exist/
%
How copper wire was invented.

Dad: So, what did you need help with?
Son: I need to know how copper wire was invented.
Dad: It all started when 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Son: ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7i8ip/how_copper_wire_was_invented/
%
my wife asked me why i always type using lower case letters.

i said i stopped giving a shift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7hvq9/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_always_type_using_lower/
%
"Tell me a bit about your birthplace," said the job interview.

I said, "It was bloody and the lights were blinding."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7hujn/tell_me_a_bit_about_your_birthplace_said_the_job/
%
Why is a chainsaw and a vagina similar?

Miss by a few inches and you are in deep shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7huh0/why_is_a_chainsaw_and_a_vagina_similar/
%
"Dad, can you tell me what a total eclipse is ?"

No sun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7hnon/dad_can_you_tell_me_what_a_total_eclipse_is/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I'm not going to pay five hundred dollars to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7hau0/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
A man begins to hear a voice in his head,

quiet, but insistent, it repeats urgently, "Sell your house, take all your money, go to Las Vegas." The man ignores it at first, he sees a therapist, does yoga and eats kale, but nothing stops the voice from repeating the same sentence, "Sell your house, take all your money, go to Las Vegas."
Soon the man cant take it any more, the voice is incessant in his head with its demands, "Sell your house, take all your money, go to Las Vegas." Finally the man snaps, he sells his house, he takes all of his money, and he flies to Las Vegas.
When he gets there, the voice in his head says, "Go to Ceasars Palace!"
The man goes to Ceasars Palace.
The voice says, "Go to the roulette tables!"
The man goes to the roulette tables.
"Put all your money on Black 22!"
The man puts all his money on Black 22.
The ball lands on Red 17.
The voice in his head says, "Fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7h48m/a_man_begins_to_hear_a_voice_in_his_head/
%
[Long]Husband takes wife to play golf.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a ghost, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the ghost. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the ghost asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the ghost said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, ghost?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!" So the ghost and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon. The ghost was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the ghost  looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
ghost smile –
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Really???
Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in ghosts???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7gwns/longhusband_takes_wife_to_play_golf/
%
A neckbeard goes to Africa. What does he get?

M’laria
(I got the joke from Emkay.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7gwbu/a_neckbeard_goes_to_africa_what_does_he_get/
%
Probably a blonde!

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7gvl6/probably_a_blonde/
%
Two potato’s are standing on a corner. How can you tell which one is a prostitute?

Look for the sticker that says Idaho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7gthv/two_potatos_are_standing_on_a_corner_how_can_you/
%
I bought my grandchildren some crayons. I have to say...

... they make my kin scrawl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7gquu/i_bought_my_grandchildren_some_crayons_i_have_to/
%
I went to a Fancy Dress Party dressed as a mushroom.

Everyone said that I was a Fun Guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7gh0t/i_went_to_a_fancy_dress_party_dressed_as_a/
%
A pupil was describing to his parents how his teacher went around the world, travelling from place to place but only stopping in sex clubs, dungeons and brothels.

Sir cum-navigated the globe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ggbo/a_pupil_was_describing_to_his_parents_how_his/
%
I know who the Naruto Runner is,

But nobody will believe me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7gf7r/i_know_who_the_naruto_runner_is/
%
Two bacteria walk into a grungy bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here!"

And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7g2pc/two_bacteria_walk_into_a_grungy_bar_the_bartender/
%
My ability to have repeated sex is like a movie.

In my 20s, it was *Let's Do It Again.* In my 40s, it was *48 Hours*. Pretty soon, it will be *28 Days Later.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7fzul/my_ability_to_have_repeated_sex_is_like_a_movie/
%
My Mate was losing his hair and was really embarrassed by it.

I said to him don't worry mate i have a solution, intrigued and exited by this, he said what is the solution?: I said put Rabbits on your head. Is this a special cure he asked?
I said no, but from a distance they will look like Hares:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7fzmr/my_mate_was_losing_his_hair_and_was_really/
%
My best friend is mad at me, because I sniffed on his sisters underwear..

Don't know if he is mad because she was still wearing it or because her parents were present.
Whatever, it was a strange funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7fnts/my_best_friend_is_mad_at_me_because_i_sniffed_on/
%
Whenever it rains, my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad

Sometimes I even let her in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7fmea/whenever_it_rains_my_girlfriend_just_stands_at/
%
Pittsburgh, New England and Oakland have the same blood type

AB Negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7fhn6/pittsburgh_new_england_and_oakland_have_the_same/
%
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto
(Please don’t hurt me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7fdhh/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
What do you get if you put an actual sheet of glass up your asshole?

You get a real pane in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7f7wg/what_do_you_get_if_you_put_an_actual_sheet_of/
%
How many guys in friendzone does it takes to change a bulb

None. They just stand around it complimenting it, then get pissed when it doesn't screw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7f4mg/how_many_guys_in_friendzone_does_it_takes_to/
%
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year she bought them.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ewf6/my_wife_has_this_weird_ocd_where_she_arranges/
%
Rabbits don't know Addition or Subtraction but

they sure do know how to Multiply .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7eo9m/rabbits_dont_know_addition_or_subtraction_but/
%
How mathematicians escape from prison

How mathematicians escape from the prison:
Mathematicians: let's say there is a door...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7egml/how_mathematicians_escape_from_prison/
%
Genie: You have three wishes

Me: I wish for the ability to know how to use my wishes wisely
Genie: Granted
Me: In retrospect that wasn't a brilliant idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ect3/genie_you_have_three_wishes/
%
Killer one liner.

Did you hear the one about the two dyslexics who walked into the bra?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7e8md/killer_one_liner/
%
Toddlers can be pleasant.

But newborns could be placenta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7e4bf/toddlers_can_be_pleasant/
%
This new digital currency is bitc*in!

Sorry. Bitcoin. It’s called bitcoin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7e2a8/this_new_digital_currency_is_bitcin/
%
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking dog for sale"

Intrigued he walks in and sees the dog. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog
"I have had a very full life" says the dog.  "I have lived in the Alps, rescued avalanche victims, I served my country in Iraq, and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home"
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner  "This is incredible! why on earth do you want to get rid of this dog?"
The owner says "Becuase he's a liar! He never did any of that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7dyub/a_guy_spots_a_sign_outside_a_house_that_reads/
%
Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7dxlj/cardi_b_has_a_sister_thats_a_fitness_instructor/
%
What does a gay rooster say?

A cock or two will do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7dpiw/what_does_a_gay_rooster_say/
%
What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7dhjo/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
How do meth addicts pay for their habit?

The tooth fairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7dg5e/how_do_meth_addicts_pay_for_their_habit/
%
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7d80l/a_man_showed_up_for_a_duel_armed_only_with_a/
%
Why cant cows do weed?

The steaks would be too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7d7kc/why_cant_cows_do_weed/
%
I hate when people make jokes about body parts

Eyelash out when I hear them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7d6ai/i_hate_when_people_make_jokes_about_body_parts/
%
Kerala was the first indian state where Hindus got converted to Christianity

Saint Thomas, who was one of the disciples of Jesus Christ visited Kerala in 52 AD.
How did St Thomas convert Keralites to Christianity ?
St Thomas said, "Jesus healed the sick ".
People didn't believe .
He said, "Jesus died for you".
People said "Oh please!".
He said, Jesus fed 5000 people from 5 loaves and 2 fishes".
People said , "Get out! ".
Then he said, "Jesus converted water in
to wine".
63% Keralites converted to Christianity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7d64k/kerala_was_the_first_indian_state_where_hindus/
%
My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know

I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7cwdu/my_dad_asked_me_which_metallica_songs_i_know/
%
“Doctor!!! I’m extremely constipated!! I haven’t pooped in weeks!!!”

Doctor:  “No Shit?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ctt9/doctor_im_extremely_constipated_i_havent_pooped/
%
A detective uncovers that his gf is a prostitute, throws the cuffs on and says...

You're coming with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7crea/a_detective_uncovers_that_his_gf_is_a_prostitute/
%
The story of the naked woman

A fully naked woman enters a taxi. The driver looks at her from top to bottom several times.
The woman asked:
Haven’t you seen a naked woman before?!
Taxi driver replies:
I didn’t look at you because you are naked. I’m concerned because I look and I look but I don’t see where you have the money to pay me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ckji/the_story_of_the_naked_woman/
%
The House Problem

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.
The physicist says, “The initial measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The biologist counters, “They must have reproduced.”
Finally, the mathematician suggests, “If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7cjxg/the_house_problem/
%
A sociologist moves to a new house

and happens to see his neighbour for the first time across his fence, while both were gardening. He engages the conversation:
"Hello, I just moved in, we're now neighbours. What do you do for a living?
\-I'm a lorry driver, what about you?
\-I'm a sociologist.
\-What's that all about?
\-I study the behaviour of people usually crowds and make conclusions.
\-Sounds interesting! Can you do this to me?
\-Well, I see you have a kennel in your garden, you have a dog right?
\-Indeed, I do!
\-Do you also happen to have children?
\-Yes! I do!
\-So you have a wife?
\-Yes! Yes!
\-So you're a heterosexual?
\-Exactly!! wow I'm impressed, just by looking at my garden you could tell my sexual orientation!"
The very next day, the lorry driver sees his colleague at work and tell him about his new sociologist neighbour:
\-What's this? says his colleague
\-He studies people's behaviours and makes conclusions out of it
\-That's crazy mate! did he teach you anything?
\-Yes actually, do you have a kennel in your garden?
\-no
\-you're gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7cikr/a_sociologist_moves_to_a_new_house/
%
What do you call Hispanic gnomes

Gnombres.
I'll go home now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7cfoh/what_do_you_call_hispanic_gnomes/
%
On our farm, I don't milk the cows

It's done by the udder guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7cdor/on_our_farm_i_dont_milk_the_cows/
%
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends...

I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7cbfb/i_got_a_rolex_for_my_birthday_from_my_lesbian/
%
My axe has been making weird sounds lately...

Such as: "Ouch!", "Oh shit!" "Stop!" "No!" "Please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7c6xr/my_axe_has_been_making_weird_sounds_lately/
%
5 kids wanted to get into a fraternity

Alex and his 4 friends wanted to get into a fraternity. So they went to the leader and asked him how they could get in. The fraternity leader told them that if they wanted to join his fraternity they would have to stand in a line and all get socked in the face. So they all stood in a line and waited for it. Then right before the fraternity leader lifted his fist he decided not to “ I’ve all ready got in trouble with the school twice by doing this one more strike and I’ll get expelled” he said.
Alex: WAIT WHAT? So there’s no punchline?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7c36a/5_kids_wanted_to_get_into_a_fraternity/
%
A man goes to a job interview

and presents himself well. The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is."Wow! You have an amazing resume and you present yourself fantastically but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" Asked an interviewer."Oh thats when I went to yale" says the man and the interviewers are even more impressed and offer him a job on the spot. The man shows his gratitude by saying "Thank you for the yob"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7c1s4/a_man_goes_to_a_job_interview/
%
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7bwfk/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_whos_afraid/
%
Han Solo goes to a restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter asked how tender he’d like his steak to be.

Han said “Make it Chewie.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7bufz/han_solo_goes_to_a_restaurant_and_orders_a_steak/
%
If you have difficulty controlling your temper, it's a bad idea to take a chihuahua for a walk.

Because you're going to need to use a little restraint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7bt70/if_you_have_difficulty_controlling_your_temper/
%
Seeing the flash in the distance, Elton John knew he only had moments to live. He turned to the nearest celebrity at the party for one last human embrace.

"Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7bqab/seeing_the_flash_in_the_distance_elton_john_knew/
%
Someone keeps dumping soil all over my garden bed, and I don't know who's doing it

The plot thickens...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7bkw0/someone_keeps_dumping_soil_all_over_my_garden_bed/
%
Hey! Wanna make $$$$ fast?

…Just follow my simple instructions:
1. Hold down the Shift Key
2. Press the number 4 four times.
It's that easy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7b9mn/hey_wanna_make_fast/
%
What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 Cent, featuring Nickleback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7b5dp/what_concert_only_costs_45_cents/
%
You can’t run through a campsite

You can only ran since it’s past tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7b4k7/you_cant_run_through_a_campsite/
%
Why do pornstars never overheat?

Because they keep their fans turned on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7b4a0/why_do_pornstars_never_overheat/
%
Why did the melon have a shotgun wedding?

Because she can’t elope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7b2h7/why_did_the_melon_have_a_shotgun_wedding/
%
If you watch the human centipede backwards...

Its just a bunch of people getting their heads out of asses and getting their lives together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7aziu/if_you_watch_the_human_centipede_backwards/
%
A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house

(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)
Yoda:- Jump..
(Man falls to his death)
Yoda:- you must not...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7atid/a_man_is_about_to_commit_suicide_my_jumping_of/
%
Why should you never have sex with a brtitish person?

They always say they'll pull out, but never do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ao3p/why_should_you_never_have_sex_with_a_brtitish/
%
My grief counsellor died recently

He was so good I couldn’t give a fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ahwh/my_grief_counsellor_died_recently/
%
Just came out to my family as sapiosexual.

Everyone’s crying. My mom’s asking me if I’ve ever really given fucking morons a chance before.
My girlfriend sits there quietly, no doubt solving complex math problems in her head for fun.
My mother asks, “So when you go out to eat, who calculates the tip? Both of you?!”
Indubitably, mother. Indubitably.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7ahmt/just_came_out_to_my_family_as_sapiosexual/
%
No matter how kind you are...

...German kids are kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7aaum/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
How did the pirate get the wenches attention?

Yo ho!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7a73u/how_did_the_pirate_get_the_wenches_attention/
%
What can be said about a group of gassy Egyptians?

They have toot in common

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7a54q/what_can_be_said_about_a_group_of_gassy_egyptians/
%
There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem. Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.
Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him. The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d79zb8/there_was_once_an_island_kingdom_whose_people/
%
What do feminst cannibals eat ?

Ramen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d79vtv/what_do_feminst_cannibals_eat/
%
A rich man and a poor man meet every year on Park Ave to discuss what they bought their wives for Christmas.

The poor man says to the rich man, "what did you get your wife this year?"
The rich man says, "I got her a huge diamond ring and a Mercedes."
"What did you get her a huge diamond ring and a Mercedes for?" asked the poor man
"If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in the Mercedes and still be happy," he replied, "and what did you get your wife?"
The poor man says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
"What did you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for??" Asked the rich man.
"That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d79tj8/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_meet_every_year_on_park/
%
Is it okay to mock kids for protesting global warming?

Not in the current climate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d79sqb/is_it_okay_to_mock_kids_for_protesting_global/
%
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it is definitely up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d79f5t/getting_my_toy_drone_stuck_in_a_tree_isnt_the/
%
I made a whistle out of oak.

It wooden whistle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d792qk/i_made_a_whistle_out_of_oak/
%
An english man, french, israeli, spanish and german are watching a street performance. The performer stands on a box and asks," Can you see me?"

The english answers" Yes"
The french answers"we"
The israeli answers "ken"
The spanish answers "si"
The german answers" ya"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d79157/an_english_man_french_israeli_spanish_and_german/
%
I went to cinema last night and saw a movie about cheese.

It was G rated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78q0o/i_went_to_cinema_last_night_and_saw_a_movie_about/
%
What's the difference between a walrus and a feminist?

One has got a mustache and smells like fish. The other one is a fu**ing walrus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78pwj/whats_the_difference_between_a_walrus_and_a/
%
A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch.
The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. Ill give you the night to consider your options."
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?”
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?”
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78phn/a_man_wakes_up_in_a_hospital_bandaged_from_head/
%
Minister

One of the members of the parliament came out as a homosexual and was forced to resign.
Guess he is no longer a cabinet minister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78nv7/minister/
%
Lately my husband has started pissing with the door open.

No modesty, no decorum. Pissing with the door open. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is when you're trying to drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78mwx/lately_my_husband_has_started_pissing_with_the/
%
My girlfriend hates it when I call her "babe"

i love that movie...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78ifd/my_girlfriend_hates_it_when_i_call_her_babe/
%
I went to the Doctors

He asked "What's the matter?"
I said "I'm too easy going.   People always take advantage of my good nature"
He said "What do you want me to do?"
I said "I want you to refer me to a self-assertiveness course"
He said "No you don't"
I said "You're right, I don't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78hc4/i_went_to_the_doctors/
%
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78g02/yoda_and_luke_are_walking_through_the_swamp_part/
%
69%

Of people find something sexual in a sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78e3u/69/
%
A single mother asked her dad what she should do because her young sons were starting to curse like sailors...

He told her the next time one of them said a bad word to smack him in the mouth and send him to his room.
The next morning at breakfast the boys came into the kitchen and the mother asked them what they would like for breakfast...
The oldest son replied... I want some fucking Cheerios...  The mom did as she was advised and slapped him right in the mouth and sent him to his Room.
She then asked the younger boy what he would like for breakfast...
He replied... I don't know but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be those fucking Cheerios!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78cr3/a_single_mother_asked_her_dad_what_she_should_do/
%
A Woman enters a jeweller's and spots a diamond ring

She bends down to get a closer look but a fart slips out. Hoping no one heard it she asks a saleswoman the price. The saleswoman says "Well if you farted just by looking at it your going to shit yourself when you hear the price".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78c2u/a_woman_enters_a_jewellers_and_spots_a_diamond/
%
Three black ladies were on a plane They were good friends and were really excited to travel together. However, this was the first time they had ever been on a plane so they were understandably quite nervous. They began discussing what precautions they had taken to relief their fears...

The first lady said, "I'm wearing bright green panties, that way, if we crash into the ocean, my butt would float and they'd see me first!"
The second lady retorted, "I'm wearing bright pink panties, that way, if we crash into the ground, they'd see me first!"
The two looked at the last one expectantly who replied, "I'm not wearing any panties at all!"
The other two were intrigued and of course asked, "Why?"
The third lady answered nonchalantly, "Whenever a plane crashes, the first thing they look for is the black box..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78bpr/three_black_ladies_were_on_a_plane_they_were_good/
%
Have you guys heard of this new sex position?

You say you're gonna pull out but then you don't.
It's called the brit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78avv/have_you_guys_heard_of_this_new_sex_position/
%
IT technician comes home.

His wife is all tired and sad:
-Honey, just hug me and tell me that everything will be ok.
-First tell me what's the problem and what did you do before it occurred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78ab0/it_technician_comes_home/
%
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....

She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d78981/i_asked_my_wife_what_she_wanted_for_her_birthday/
%
me: you just did

you: i'm not going to do that
me: this joke only makes sense if you read it backwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d787px/me_you_just_did/
%
Funny Trump joke

The President is walking out of the white house and heading towards his limo, when a possible attacker steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be attacjer and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?"
Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous, I meant to shout.....
"Donald, duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7861a/funny_trump_joke/
%
All the posts on this sub

r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d77zx2/all_the_posts_on_this_sub/
%
I felt shit this morning.

That's one of negatives about being a prostate doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d77x3g/i_felt_shit_this_morning/
%
Why do Hong Kong police officers wake up so early?

To beat the crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d77fb1/why_do_hong_kong_police_officers_wake_up_so_early/
%
Popeye's wife is fed up with her life...

And decides to leave him to join Al Qaeda. She wants to martyr herself, go to heaven, and get her 72 virgins.
One day she puts on an explosives vest and detonates herself, sending her to heaven. To her surprise, there are 73 virgins waiting for her.
She asks a passing angel what is going on, who tells her 'extra virgin, Olive Oil.'
(my apologies)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d76wxb/popeyes_wife_is_fed_up_with_her_life/
%
I just found out how to make easy money with a three step plan.

Step 1. Get a job.
Step 2. Go to your job and do work.
Step 3. Get money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d76uta/i_just_found_out_how_to_make_easy_money_with_a/
%
How do you describe Dad in one word?

Motherfucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d76ptj/how_do_you_describe_dad_in_one_word/
%
Have you heard the joke about the dictionary stage show?

It's a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d76k2h/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_the_dictionary/
%
What did the Russian dictator say to his guards when spies came to assassinate him

Stalem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d76i74/what_did_the_russian_dictator_say_to_his_guards/
%
A lost cat

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...
Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come to get her.
My hubby (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My hubby and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my hubby 'El-Cheap-O,' and my hubby calls the vet 'El-Charge-O.' They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another. It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.
The next day my hubby had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The Dr's waiting room and office was full of people waiting. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my hubby arrive.
He looked straight at my hubby and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!'
THEN HE CLOSED THE DOOR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d76cd2/a_lost_cat/
%
Someone here is possessed by an Owl...

Who though?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d76c6i/someone_here_is_possessed_by_an_owl/
%
Two drums and a hi hat falls of a cliff.

Ba dum tsss....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7697p/two_drums_and_a_hi_hat_falls_of_a_cliff/
%
Two Native men, one old and one young were walking down a railroad track

The old man places his head on the track, and comes back up a moment later. "Train come," he says. Sure enough, a few moments later a train comes by.
"Now you try," he says. So the young man places his head on the track, looks puzzled, and comes back up.
"Buffalo come". The old man, of course is confused and asks "Wait, how you know that?"
The younger man touches his cheek and replies with "It sticky."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d768d5/two_native_men_one_old_and_one_young_were_walking/
%
Why do bees like to get drunk?

So they can get their buzz on? Pesticides have decimated their family and there is nothing left but alcoholism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d764ni/why_do_bees_like_to_get_drunk/
%
Why are people on stage so good at small talk?

Because they have microphones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d75yx8/why_are_people_on_stage_so_good_at_small_talk/
%
A man was travelling in bus with three babies

A woman enquired: do these babies belong to you?
Man: no, i work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d75lng/a_man_was_travelling_in_bus_with_three_babies/
%
What's a pirate's favorite exercise?

The plank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d75g9b/whats_a_pirates_favorite_exercise/
%
Wearing Crocs is similar to getting a BJ from a guy.

Feels great, until you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d75es1/wearing_crocs_is_similar_to_getting_a_bj_from_a/
%
The first rule of flight club is....

To take flying lessons..... Also learn to read carefully

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d75azj/the_first_rule_of_flight_club_is/
%
A gambler walks into a bar...

He sits down, orders a beer and starts a conversation with the bartender. The bartender asks what brings him to town. The gambler says “I make my living going around gambling on things.”  “Like on sports?” Asks the bartender.  The gambler replies “No, I bet on anything and I never lose any money... For instance, I’ll bet you $5 that I can bite my left eye.”  The bartender laughs and says “ok sure.”  So the gambler pops his left eye out of his head, puts it in his mouth and bites it then slaps it back into his head.
The bartender said “ok good one, but how about a double or nothing?”  The gambler says “sure, double or nothing that I can bite my right eye!”  The bartender is amazed and says “no way you have two glass eyes, sure, double or nothing!”  The gambler proceeds to take his set of fake teeth out of his mouth and brings it up to his right eye and bites it with his set of fake teeth.  The bartender thinks the guy is amazing and tells the gambler to enjoy his evening at the bar.
The gambler goes and joins a table of college kids in the back. They drink for a long while and are laughing like crazy.
Much later in the evening the gambler comes back up to the bar and is clearly drunk, wobbling and slurring his words. He says to the bartender “hey I’ll bet ya $500 that I can stand on top of the bar and take an entire piss into that vodka bottle against the wall and not spill a drop!”  The bartender cannot believes this and quickly agrees!
The gambler stumbles yet gets on top of the bar. Drops his pants to his feet and starts to take a piss. However, he’s spraying everywhere. The bartender has finally got him and is laughing and pointing at the gambler and says “you owe me $500! And you DO lose at gambling!”
The gambler laughs and says “I didn’t lose... I bet those college kids back there for $2,500 that I could stand up on the bar and take a piss all over but that you laugh about it and not kick my ass!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d75adp/a_gambler_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two guys named Ray walk into a bar . . .

They tell the bartender “This place sucks, but we’re going to change all that”.  “How’s that?” says the bartender.
“Because we’re Rays in the bar!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d74u0x/two_guys_named_ray_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why didn't the soldier flush the toilet?

It wasn't his duty.
(Sorry, this was my niece's favorite joke for years)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d74oww/why_didnt_the_soldier_flush_the_toilet/
%
What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d74n5w/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
%
Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?
**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.
**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**
**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
**Defense Attorney:**
Did you know him?
**Little Old Lady:**
No, but he sure was friendly.
**Defense Attorney:**
What happened after he sat down?
**Little Old Lady:**
He started to rub my thigh.
**Defense Attorney:**
Did you stop him?
**Little Old Lady:**
No, I didn't stop him.
**Defense Attorney:**
Why not?
**Little Old Lady:**
It felt good.
Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
**Defense Attorney:**
What happened next?
**Little Old Lady:**
He began to rub my breasts.
**Defense Attorney:**
Did you stop him then?
**Little Old Lady:**
No, I did not stop him.
**Defense Attorney:**
Why not?
**Little Old Lady:**
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!
**Defense Attorney:**
What happened next?
**Little Old Lady:**
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him,
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
**Defense Attorney:**
Did he take you?
**Little Old Lady:**
Hell, no!
He just yelled, **'April Fool!'**
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d74k5y/grandma_in_court/
%
Apple just finished designing a smart car.

They are having trouble installing Windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d74gt9/apple_just_finished_designing_a_smart_car/
%
I told my doctor, “I have a problem with the hearing in one of my ears.”

He said, “Are you sure?”
I said, “Yes, I’m definite.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d74d14/i_told_my_doctor_i_have_a_problem_with_the/
%
You wanna know why we say "Break a leg" to actors?

Because every show has a cast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d74c4j/you_wanna_know_why_we_say_break_a_leg_to_actors/
%
It is rare when a defibrillator fails to work,

But when it does, no one is shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d748x3/it_is_rare_when_a_defibrillator_fails_to_work/
%
I have a feeling that quite a few people are getting "probed" over at Area 51 this weekend.

And its not by aliens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d745dp/i_have_a_feeling_that_quite_a_few_people_are/
%
I had a joke about Jonestown...

But the punchline was too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d740y2/i_had_a_joke_about_jonestown/
%
A man and his wife take a trip to Jerusalem.

The wife has a heart attack and passes away.
One of the local crematoriums offers to cremate and encase his wife in a vase for $500. The alternative would be to fly her back home to be buried/cremated for $10,000s of dollars.
The man chooses to send her home.
One of the crem. Folk asked "why would you spend so much money to cremate her there instead of here?"
The man says "sir, 2000 years ago, a man died in this city. Three days later he came back to life. *I can't take that chance!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d73ysf/a_man_and_his_wife_take_a_trip_to_jerusalem/
%
A woman is the only object that defies the laws of the universe

The heavier they get, the easier they are to pick up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d73wap/a_woman_is_the_only_object_that_defies_the_laws/
%
We had a party in the office yesterday.

As the evening progressed, a rather overweight female coworker of mine decided to dance on the table.
I remarked: “Wow, really impressive legs!”
She blushed and asked if I really meant it. “Absolutely, Karen! An average table would have collapsed by now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d73ohb/we_had_a_party_in_the_office_yesterday/
%
My girlfriend left me so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d73m17/my_girlfriend_left_me_so_i_stole_her_wheelchair/
%
Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity killed them all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d73lty/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
%
Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d73jhr/is_google_male_or_female/
%
Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.
One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.
The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.
Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”
And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d73hvw/jock_the_painter_often_would_thin_his_paint_so_it/
%
What do you call a fat psychic....

A four chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d73gcn/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
What's a cannibal's favorite snack?

Finger foods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d73clt/whats_a_cannibals_favorite_snack/
%
My neighbour blamed my gravel for making him fall over...

I told him it was his own dumb asphalt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d73aiq/my_neighbour_blamed_my_gravel_for_making_him_fall/
%
A young aristocratic woman pulls up to a large New York bank in her Rolls Royce.

She parks in front of the bank and goes inside where she is greeted by a banker.
"Hi, Sir. I would like to take out a loan using my Rolls Royce as collateral" the woman says to the banker.
"Yes ma'am. How much money will you need to borrow?" he asks.
"$500.00 please" says the woman.
"Ma'am, that car is easily worth $200,000! Are you certain you only want $500?".
She reassures him that is all she needs and she will be back in 30 days to pay the loan balance plus interest in full.
The banker can't believe it, but he writes up the paperwork, has her sign and gives the woman her money. He then orders security to move the car down to the vault where it can be safely stored as collateral. He laughs with his co-worker about how much of a idiot this woman is!
30 days later the woman returns to the bank with $534.00, the amount of the loan plus one month interest, just as she promised.
As the banker is waiting on the car to be brought up, he can't help but ask the woman why she used her $200,000 car on a $500 loan.
She replied "I didn't need the $500 but I was leaving the country for a month and needed a secure place to store my car. $34 is WAY cheaper than anywhere else in New York."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d739u6/a_young_aristocratic_woman_pulls_up_to_a_large/
%
A lion and a lioness and resting in a shade of a tree. All of a sudden a rabbit comes, slaps the lion in the face and runs off.

The lion just chuckles.
The Lioness is pissed: "Why did you let him slap you? Are you not the king of the animals? This is a major disrespect. Go kill that little shit!"
The lion replies calmly: "Dear, the rabbit is small and stupid - he doesn't know what he is doing...".
In a couple of hours the rabbit comes again, slaps the lion in the face and runs off full speed.
The lioness is really pissed and runs after the rabbit hissing murderously.
After a few minutes of chase the rabbit goes into a pipe. The lioness tries to go after him, but gets half stuck in the pipe.
The rabbit gets out of the other end of the pipe, goes behind the stuck lioness, humps her real good and runs away.
After some time the lioness manages to get out of the pipe and comes back to the lion, pissed and embarrassed.
"He led you to the pipe didn't he?" says the lion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d738dc/a_lion_and_a_lioness_and_resting_in_a_shade_of_a/
%
What do you call an Egyptian joint doctor?

a Cairo-practor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d733l3/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_joint_doctor/
%
Have you considered pouring your alcohol into smaller glasses?

You should try, it’s worth a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d72yjt/have_you_considered_pouring_your_alcohol_into/
%
I have sex almost every day!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d72wgp/i_have_sex_almost_every_day/
%
There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d72sx7/theres_a_new_social_media_platform_where_people/
%
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey.

But then I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d72qr3/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
%
Sleeping Tablets.

I accidentally mixed my sleeping pills with my Viagra:
Ended up having 40 wanks:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d72pe8/sleeping_tablets/
%
Little Sarah.

Little Sarah comes home from school and says, Johnny showed me his willy Today and it was just like A Peanut, embarrassed Mum says, What, it was very small?
Sarah replied, No it was very salty:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d72k87/little_sarah/
%
Greek Philosopher Gets A Suit

A Greek Philosopher walks into a tailor's office and asks for 300 suits to be delivered to him.
The tailor offers some proposals: "I can send those in plastic bags, or I could even send those in parcels."
The Greek philosopher replies : "no, no, no I would like them to be delivered in something solid and wooden."
So the tailor replies: "so, crates?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d727ff/greek_philosopher_gets_a_suit/
%
I have a 444 day streak on Duolingo. Here’s what I learned:

French.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7235j/i_have_a_444_day_streak_on_duolingo_heres_what_i/
%
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.

“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d71uyd/just_mentioned_to_the_missus_that_ive_always_had/
%
Of course gay men dress well

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d71r2r/of_course_gay_men_dress_well/
%
A woman was cleaning her 12 year old sons room

When she found a lot of bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband “what should we do?”
“I don’t know” said the husband “ but i sure as hell wouldn’t spank him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d71g0q/a_woman_was_cleaning_her_12_year_old_sons_room/
%
Steve, how do you get to work?

I go by train.
Ok.  Train, how do you get to work?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d718wd/steve_how_do_you_get_to_work/
%
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?

DAMN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d717u5/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_ran_into_a_wall/
%
All my friends have such expansive bucket lists.

Mine is just a little pail in comparison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d713ob/all_my_friends_have_such_expansive_bucket_lists/
%
I got asked to leave a gender reveal party for my pregnant coworker.

Apparently it’s just for the baby and pulling down your pants is “frowned upon.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7115r/i_got_asked_to_leave_a_gender_reveal_party_for_my/
%
I started a group for people who cant ejaculate

But nobody came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d7104d/i_started_a_group_for_people_who_cant_ejaculate/
%
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?

Otherwise it’d be a foot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d70yem/did_you_know_a_nose_cannot_be_12_inches_long/
%
I started a support group for premature ejaculators

Everyone came early

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d70ya1/i_started_a_support_group_for_premature/
%
I'm organizing a rally against the right peaceably to assemble.

It will be the protest to end all protests.
(There, original joke. Looking forward to coming back in a few days and seeing a re-post of it make the front page.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d70t4b/im_organizing_a_rally_against_the_right_peaceably/
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According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d70o0r/according_to_a_news_story_if_global_warming/
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A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lover". He was sentenced to 4 months in prison.
The man was given an early parole hearing due to good behaviour. Unfortunately, he got the samw judge and jury. His lawyer demanded for a change again and was rejected again. Furthermore, the judge sentence the man to 4 more months for "contempt".
3 months later he was given another early parole hearing for good behaviour. Once again he got the same judge and jury. Once again his lawyer requested a change. Once again the request was rejected. Once again the man was sentenced to 6 more months of prison. This time for "looking rudely at juror no. 4's cat".
This cycle kept on repeating month after month, year after year. 6 months turned to 8 turned to 10 turned to a year. And so 30 years had passed. The  same situation was repeated again except this time the man was fighting the case himself. His lawyer had died of shame 2 years ago. When the court once again declared him guilty and sentenced him to an even longer term, he couldn't hold it any longer.
"HOW MUCH LONGER WILL THIS GO ON?", he yelled in anger. " THERE HAVE BEEN 25 SENTENCES ALREADY!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d70l3s/a_man_was_arrested_for_stealing_cat_hairs_to_make/
%
My wife and I had some difficulties lately in bed

We have some different interests
She likes roleplay
And I am into men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d70ikt/my_wife_and_i_had_some_difficulties_lately_in_bed/
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I’ve decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing...

It would definitely spice my autobiography a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d70ib8/ive_decided_to_kill_off_a_few_characters_in_the/
%
On this day, when we Americans storm Area 51, you Europeans should storm the Vatican Archives

We'll take on the aliens, you'll take on the predators.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d70g47/on_this_day_when_we_americans_storm_area_51_you/
%
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?

So that they can beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d704sp/why_do_the_hong_kong_police_wake_up_early/
%
Yesterday morning I called my neighbour to ask if he and his wife could enjoy each other a little more quiet.

He told me he wasn't home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6zw8i/yesterday_morning_i_called_my_neighbour_to_ask_if/
%
What did James say to Jessie?

You gotta big Meowth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ztxs/what_did_james_say_to_jessie/
%
I have an OCD sort of condition

Its called CDO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6zjm9/i_have_an_ocd_sort_of_condition/
%
What would your thoughts be if your significant other wanted to work in the adult industry?

I would like to see her try to make a living out of having sex two times a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6zhsv/what_would_your_thoughts_be_if_your_significant/
%
I don’t have a “dad bod.”

I have a father figure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6zfvx/i_dont_have_a_dad_bod/
%
A weasel walks into a bar

The bartender says "*wow. I've never served a weasel before. What'll you have?*"
"*Pop*" goes the weasel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6zc1p/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My deaf girlfriend started talking in her sleep again.

Nearly poked my eye out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6z8tt/my_deaf_girlfriend_started_talking_in_her_sleep/
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Man paid 100 dollars to attend seminar called "How to make 10000 dollars in five minutes"

He enters the hall. There's about one hundred people in the audience. The presenter walks up to the mic, says "Approximately like this" and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6z6mb/man_paid_100_dollars_to_attend_seminar_called_how/
%
What’s it called when you trip and chip your tooth?

An accidental

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6z3pi/whats_it_called_when_you_trip_and_chip_your_tooth/
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A doctor assembled a large auditorium of people.

He says thank you for join me today,  I’m going to ask you personal questions as a group,  this is for a study of mine please be honest and don’t be shy.
How many people have sex everyday?  The people who raised their hands where happy good looking and seemed to be doing great in there lives.
Doctor says good,
Then he asks how money people have sex every other day?
The people who raised there hands where also good looking and doing well but not like the first batch.
Doctor says good let’s keep going!
How many people have sex once a week?
Few people raised there hands and they where kinda ho hum they where ok not ugly long time married types
Ok good the doctor says!
How many people have sex once a month?
Very few raised there hands they where homely,  not attractive some even looked like they would have to pay for even to have sex once a month.  They where unhappy and you could tell.
Ok good the doctor say!  Last question how many people have sex once a year?
One guy stands up and he is happy, just in the best mood.
Doctors says what the hell?   You only have sex once a year?  My theory is that people who have sex more often are happier!  Why the hell are you so happy????
The man replies
TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6yriw/a_doctor_assembled_a_large_auditorium_of_people/
%
If being sexy is a crime,

I am a law abiding citizen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6yqyz/if_being_sexy_is_a_crime/
%
I went to my doctor to see about scabs from masturbating all the time and if there was a treatment. He said I needed to stop masturbating immediately. I asked him "why?"

"Because I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6yp1s/i_went_to_my_doctor_to_see_about_scabs_from/
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What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6yo6r/whats_the_difference_between_anal_and_oral_sex/
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Once, two kids (a boy and a girl) of grade 2 went to the staffroom.

The boy curiously asks his teacher, “Sir, is it possible for kids to have children???”
The teacher smiles and says, “No, my dear...!”
The boy then turns towards the girl and says:
“See, I told you not to worry...!!”
Teacher faints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6y6n2/once_two_kids_a_boy_and_a_girl_of_grade_2_went_to/
%
A child asked his mother when you got pregnant with me, did you want a boy or girl?

Nether, I wanted the remote under the Couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6y3bx/a_child_asked_his_mother_when_you_got_pregnant/
%
What does government and prostitutes have in common?

You pay both to fuck you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6y0t8/what_does_government_and_prostitutes_have_in/
%
Fred Flintstone asks Wilma if she has any weed left. She says "no, but I have some wax if you want a hit.

He replies, "yeah, a dab'll do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6xyfe/fred_flintstone_asks_wilma_if_she_has_any_weed/
%
The doctor said I have dyslexia which is a Brain condition

Which makes no sense since my name is not Brian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6xxtu/the_doctor_said_i_have_dyslexia_which_is_a_brain/
%
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes

of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6xwzn/i_just_saw_a_cashier_scan_the_eyes/
%
I really like the Lion King

and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6xt81/i_really_like_the_lion_king/
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A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phones rings

The man picks up, listens for a few seconds and says, "How the fuck would I know, you fucking idiot! I'm not a fucking weatherman fuck off."
The wife asks, "Who was that dear?"
Husband says, "Some fucker asking if the coast was clear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6xr59/a_man_and_his_wife_are_sound_asleep_in_bed_when/
%
People in Athens always have difficulty waking up

Dawn is tough on Greece.
(coworkers joke heard today)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6xo3a/people_in_athens_always_have_difficulty_waking_up/
%
I have a bank account specifically for my marijuana purchases.

I call it my Joint bank account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6xdkl/i_have_a_bank_account_specifically_for_my/
%
My car can speed faster than bullets, drive under water and knock down evil like bowling pins.

It's a Porsche to be reckoned with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6xcyl/my_car_can_speed_faster_than_bullets_drive_under/
%
My girlfriend just walked in on me blow drying my crotch.

She asked what I was doing.
Apparently,  saying “Warming up your dinner!”
Wasn’t the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6x7kc/my_girlfriend_just_walked_in_on_me_blow_drying_my/
%
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

Wi’ jam in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6x58j/how_does_bob_marley_like_his_donuts/
%
Some people think that Mother Earth is sexy...

I'm not into flat chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6x301/some_people_think_that_mother_earth_is_sexy/
%
In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place???

Extra terrestrials

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6wpzz/in_honor_of_area_51_what_do_you_call_too_many/
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Is this 911? Yes, what's your emergency? Two girls are fighting for me! What's the problem with that sir?

The ugly one is winning! :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6wlrm/is_this_911_yes_whats_your_emergency_two_girls/
%
On a remote Pacific island, a missionary is trying to teach English to the natives.

He takes a group of the local men on a walk through the jungle, pointing out various items and telling them the English equivalents.
He points to a tree and says "Tree".
The natives all nod and repeat "Tree".
A short time later they come across a large boulder. The missionary says "Rock".
In unison the natives reply "Rock".
Eventually they enter a clearing where they spot a couple having sex. Embarrassed and flustered, the missionary blurts out "Man riding bicycle".
Suddenly one of the natives produces a bow and arrow and shoots the naked man, killing him.
Shocked, the missionary exclaims "Why?!".
The native replies angrily "Man riding MY bicycle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6whuj/on_a_remote_pacific_island_a_missionary_is_trying/
%
The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe.

Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6wej6/the_scots_invented_hypnosis_chloroform_and_the/
%
Chickens don’t sext

But they might give you a cock a doodle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6wbw1/chickens_dont_sext/
%
Did you hear about the gay Roman?

He dreamed of tossing Caesar’s salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6wanh/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_roman/
%
What are a kidnapper's favorite shoes?

White Vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6w6vn/what_are_a_kidnappers_favorite_shoes/
%
How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6w22c/how_many_baby_boomers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
“Yes, I admit it, I wore blackface a few times. But cut me some slack.”

“I was going through a dark period in my life”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6w04t/yes_i_admit_it_i_wore_blackface_a_few_times_but/
%
A man wakes up on the 7th of July at 7 o'clock

When he wakes up, he checks his phone and sees that he has 7 missed calls and 7 messages from 7 differents persons. He finds the coincidence pretty funny, gets out of bed with a big smile and gets in his car.
Before starting the engine, he checks on his phone the location of his meeting, when he notices that he has to go to the 7th floor of a building located in 7 Ann Street 7 minutes away from is home. He thinks that this is probably the biggest coincidence he has ever seen in his life and laughs for a few seconds.
After that, he wants to check how much money he has left, so he starts counting how much there is in his wallet. And to his surprise, he notices that he has exactly 777 dollars in bills. He thinks that this is much more than a mere coincidence, and that today is his lucky day. So instead of going to work, he decides to drive to the nearest sports bar to bet on a horse.
He waits for the 7th race of the day then bets all of his money on the horse N°7.
The horse arrived in seventh place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6vssp/a_man_wakes_up_on_the_7th_of_july_at_7_oclock/
%
What type of insurance does a florist provide?

Wife insurance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6v859/what_type_of_insurance_does_a_florist_provide/
%
Women defy the laws of physics...

They are easier to pick up the heavier they get...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6v64l/women_defy_the_laws_of_physics/
%
Trump's is short, and Arnold Schwarzenegger's is long; Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope is not supposed to use his. Of course I'm talking about...

... their last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6uzi8/trumps_is_short_and_arnold_schwarzeneggers_is/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common

It’s a shame they’ll never meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ux9a/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
I was at Disney World buying a drink when I accidentally backed up into a little person.

“I’m so sorry sir! I wasn’t paying attention and I should have been. Are you okay?” I say.
“I’m okay, but I’m not happy.” he says to me.
Confused, I reply, “Well that’s good, but which one are you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6usgq/i_was_at_disney_world_buying_a_drink_when_i/
%
My wife left me because I’m too insecure.

No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ur65/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
To whoever stole my neon green sneakers

You can run but you can't hide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6unk0/to_whoever_stole_my_neon_green_sneakers/
%
I asked some painters to come paint my home the other day and they’ve just arrived. They’ve spent the day here and now they’re finishing up.

The head painter hands me the bill and I notice it says “$0”
I say “you guys did such a long tiring and fantastic job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”
The head painter looks at me and says,
“Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6un9k/i_asked_some_painters_to_come_paint_my_home_the/
%
A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mute-deaf at his door.
"Tell him I want to know where he hid the money!" the man yells. The professor conveys this to the mute-deaf and he responds with sign language that he hid the money under the cherry tree in his backyard.
The professor turns to the man and says, "He won't tell you. He says that he'd rather die first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ult2/a_man_wins_100_000_at_las_vegas/
%
My dad said if you want to succeed in life never take no for an answer

He was a terrible father but one hell of a rapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6uixs/my_dad_said_if_you_want_to_succeed_in_life_never/
%
5 out of 6 doctors agree...

... that Russian Roulette is completely safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ue3z/5_out_of_6_doctors_agree/
%
Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire...

...on average.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6udxy/bill_gates_walks_into_a_bar_and_everyone_inside/
%
Climate change is such a joke

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6uds5/climate_change_is_such_a_joke/
%
My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event.

According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6u3gj/my_english_friend_called_me_from_the_storm_area/
%
How do you call a girl who doesnt suck dick?

You dont.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6twk3/how_do_you_call_a_girl_who_doesnt_suck_dick/
%
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6tvtg/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
%
What's the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?

Most men are happy to spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6tuid/whats_the_difference_between_a_clitoris_and_a/
%
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on her face was priceless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6tm4s/i_just_saw_a_cashier_scan_the_eyes_of_a_rude/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy, the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6tkg5/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
My therapist told me that I have extreme difficulty in vocalizing my emotions.

Can’t say that I’m surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6szaw/my_therapist_told_me_that_i_have_extreme/
%
Behind every angry woman is a ....

man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6sutq/behind_every_angry_woman_is_a/
%
I don't understand why people are disgusted by domestic violence against pregnant women.

At the end of the day, it's 2 against 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6srue/i_dont_understand_why_people_are_disgusted_by/
%
R Kelly changed the rap game

He took the art out of Rap Artist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6sg5u/r_kelly_changed_the_rap_game/
%
In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.
Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!"
The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep."
The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6sb9a/in_an_african_tribe_village_the_chieftains_wife/
%
Alleged record holder has managed to stay underwater holding his breath for 27 minutes

His funeral is on friday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6s6v9/alleged_record_holder_has_managed_to_stay/
%
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6s6u6/a_couple_both_age_78_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
%
What do you call someone who puts the milk after the cereal?

A cereal killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6s0nj/what_do_you_call_someone_who_puts_the_milk_after/
%
What costs £50,000 and sits on the end of your bed, taking the piss?

A dialysis machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6s0mw/what_costs_50000_and_sits_on_the_end_of_your_bed/
%
I hate German Sausages

They're the Wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6rz0x/i_hate_german_sausages/
%
One day, two women dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter.

The first woman says,  "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
The second woman replies, "I know..."
The first woman is surprised and asks, "How do you know?"
The second woman says, "My dog told me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6rvys/one_day_two_women_dog_owners_are_arguing_about/
%
A Pirate walks into a Doctors Surgery..

The Doctor says "Sir do you realise you have a ships steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The Pirate replies "Arr"
"It be driving me nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6rlky/a_pirate_walks_into_a_doctors_surgery/
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What is a Halloween themed Fleshlight called?

A Jackoff-lantern.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ribg/what_is_a_halloween_themed_fleshlight_called/
%
Why did the guitarist go to jail?

Fingering A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6rc9p/why_did_the_guitarist_go_to_jail/
%
Why did a prostitute wear a condom in her ear?

She didn’t want to get hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6r0wk/why_did_a_prostitute_wear_a_condom_in_her_ear/
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To whoever stole my anti-depressants when I left to go to the bathroom today

I hope you’re happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6r07f/to_whoever_stole_my_antidepressants_when_i_left/
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Wilson’s nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape." A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!" Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast." A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6qzl4/wilsons_nails/
%
Why is it when people demand proof of God’s existence. You have to have faith, is an acceptable religious defense?

But when people demand proof that God told me to kill those kids. You have to have faith, isn’t an acceptable legal defense?
I’m sick of double standards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6qvt3/why_is_it_when_people_demand_proof_of_gods/
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What was the stuttering Republican doing by jerking off?

se-seeding from the union

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6qsge/what_was_the_stuttering_republican_doing_by/
%
You should never cut off an addicts supply line, they will lash out in anger and do everything in their power to stop you.

This is why I avoid talking about abortions with my Priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6qpi1/you_should_never_cut_off_an_addicts_supply_line/
%
I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work

But it was a whisk I was willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6qjju/i_knew_i_shouldnt_steal_a_mixer_from_work/
%
Why are frogs always happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6qin6/why_are_frogs_always_happy/
%
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6q9av/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_that_stole_a/
%
Two women are walking home from the bar, they have to piss so they slip into a cemetary.

One uses her panties to wipe herself, the other uses a wreath off a head stone.
Next night husbands are at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife she came home with no panties on last night". The other one says "Oh well mine came home with a card wedged in her ass saying you were loved and will be missed by the entire fire department''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6pwfb/two_women_are_walking_home_from_the_bar_they_have/
%
When you don’t know if you can pay your medical bills

You have health Unsurance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6pvc3/when_you_dont_know_if_you_can_pay_your_medical/
%
What is the latest in Pirate technology?

The I-patch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6pqi6/what_is_the_latest_in_pirate_technology/
%
How many modern feminist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Twelve:
One to screw it in.
One to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination.
One to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination.
One to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rapey".
One to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic.
One to blame men for not changing the bulb.
One to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it.
One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs.
One to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs.
One to advocate that light bulb changers should have wage parity with electricians.
One to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men.
One to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6pq44/how_many_modern_feminist_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do staff say to sperm donors as they leave the clinic?

Thank you, come again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6plpk/what_do_staff_say_to_sperm_donors_as_they_leave/
%
What’s a Canadian?

An unarmed American with health insurance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6plkw/whats_a_canadian/
%
genie: i shall grant you three wishes

me: i wish for a world without lawyers
genie: done, you have no more wishes
me: but you said three
genie: sue me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6pi5w/genie_i_shall_grant_you_three_wishes/
%
What did the Time-cop say to his prisoner?

If you can't do the crime time, don't do the time crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ph9n/what_did_the_timecop_say_to_his_prisoner/
%
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side!
(Found this on a website)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6pg06/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
A man in a bar keeps falling off of his barstool

From afar, the bartender and another gentleman watch as the man keeps falling, getting up, falling, getting back up.
The bartender tells the gentleman, "Why don't you be a Good Samaritan and take the guy home?" The gentleman agrees.
He goes to pick up and carry the man. The man keeps stumbling and dragging his feet on the way out the door. He gets put in the car and the gentleman drives him to his house.
The gentleman picks up the man, carries him to the front door, rings the bell, and the wife comes out.
"Why thank you for bringing him home!"
But then she says:
"Wait...where's his wheelchair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6pefd/a_man_in_a_bar_keeps_falling_off_of_his_barstool/
%
Some network jokes

"Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke."
"Ok, I will hear a TCP joke."
"Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke."
"Ok, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline."
"Ok, I am ready to get your TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have a setting, and ends with a punchline."
"I'm sorry, your connection has timed out. Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
\---
I'll tell you a UDP joke but you might not get it.
\---
Would anyone like to hear a multicast joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6p8yj/some_network_jokes/
%
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna ride our bicycles?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6p1ta/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why couldn't lil Sebastian make a speech at the harvest festival?

He was a little horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6oxni/why_couldnt_lil_sebastian_make_a_speech_at_the/
%
Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in a chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6owyj/why_did_the_pervert_cross_the_road/
%
The Testicular Cancer Prevention Society called me to ask whether I received their email, and I said no.

They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6owhw/the_testicular_cancer_prevention_society_called/
%
Peeing with a boner isn’t impossible...

It’s just a little hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6okz1/peeing_with_a_boner_isnt_impossible/
%
Sinking American ship: Mayday mayday, we are sinking. Is anyone there?

German coast guard: Hello, this is ze German coast guard.
Ship: We are sinking, I repeat, we are sinking.
German coast guard: Wot are you thinking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ohzz/sinking_american_ship_mayday_mayday_we_are/
%
Justin Trudeau gets a line in the new Terminator movie.

"I'll be black"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6oc8a/justin_trudeau_gets_a_line_in_the_new_terminator/
%
You heard about the new sequel to The Exorcist?

A woman hires The Devil to get the priest out of her son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6o5dq/you_heard_about_the_new_sequel_to_the_exorcist/
%
Jokes in Prison

A man gets convicted of a crime and is sent to jail. When he gets to the cafeteria, something weird is happening. He hears random numbers being shouted out, followed by uproarious laughter, so he asks the guy next to him what's going on. Fellow says, "Well, you see, we've all been in here for so long, we've heard every joke there is to tell. So, we gave each one a number. When one of us wants to tell a joke, we shout the number, and everyone else remembers the joke and laughs." So the guy thinks let me try this. He shouts out "48!" and is met with dead silence. He turns to his neighbor and says, "What did I do wrong?"
Fellow says, "Well, some people just cant tell a joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6o0at/jokes_in_prison/
%
I saw two guys wearing the same thing, and I asked if they were gay.

Then they arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6nvn6/i_saw_two_guys_wearing_the_same_thing_and_i_asked/
%
What do you call a drunk apple?

Apple: sauced .
My boyfriend is currently giving my the silent treatment because he hates this so much .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6nv8f/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_apple/
%
A girl and her potato

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.
Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.
Much to her surprise the guy was a great conversationalist and really interesting and they just clicked.
They got back to her house and things get hot and heavy.
As the clothes start to come of the guy hesitates a bit and asks that the lights to be turned off because he doesn't want to be so vulnerable on a first date.
She understandably agrees and the lights are turned off and she experiences the most intense love making of her life. The orgasms were intense.
In the morning she told him that he was the greatest lover he ever had. He thanked her for a great nights and for her kind words. He then confessed "I didn't want you to find out right away, but I also lost my penis in the war."
She was flabergasted. But how then? He couldn't finger her, or use hands, and it was certainly not a tongue she felt last night.
She was stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6nv4l/a_girl_and_her_potato/
%
A couple are watching tv in bed..

the wife tells the husband, "I wish I knew a way to get my boobs to be bigger." The man replies, "I know how you can, all you have to do is rub toilet paper between them and they'll get HUGE!"
The lady says, "Okay I'll try it but how do you know it works?" He replies, "Well look what happened to your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6nupz/a_couple_are_watching_tv_in_bed/
%
My girlfriend has a tattoo of sea shell on her inner thigh.

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6nqbj/my_girlfriend_has_a_tattoo_of_sea_shell_on_her/
%
A guy walks up to the liquor store counter and tries to buy a bottle of whiskey with a fake $20 bill.

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!!  She started screaming!!  She grabbed his hair and  slammed his head on the counter over and over and until he was out cold.
She was so upset that she had a counter fit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6nj0q/a_guy_walks_up_to_the_liquor_store_counter_and/
%
A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie.

He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen.
"Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6nig7/a_bloke_arrives_at_a_nightclub_door_and_the/
%
A Roman walks into a bar, shows 2 fingers and says "5 beers please".

Stolen from Facebook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ngdj/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_shows_2_fingers_and_says/
%
I've started a team called "The Pigeons"

We shit on the competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6nd4z/ive_started_a_team_called_the_pigeons/
%
Alcohol is gay.

Because when you're drunk, you can't think straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6nals/alcohol_is_gay/
%
What causes the Dog to groan?

A dog-gone afternoon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6n8sy/what_causes_the_dog_to_groan/
%
A beautiful message

An antique quote says "Those who plant Tamarinds, shall not reap those Tamarinds" Thats because normally a Tamarind plant lasts 40-50 years to mature and be able to be reaped.
One time a child found an old man farmer planting a Tamarind tree and asked "Grandpa, Why are you planting a Tamarind tree if you are not going to be able to reap it?"
To which the old man, with his great experience and infinite wisdom answers the child with a smile on his face "This land is mine and Ill plant whatever the fuck I want you little shit"
Amazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6n8lj/a_beautiful_message/
%
What do you call Batman and Robin after the get run over by a steam roller?

Flatman and Ribbon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6n2i3/what_do_you_call_batman_and_robin_after_the_get/
%
What does a marriage and a hurricane have in common?

In the beginning there is lots of sucking and blowing,  and in the end you still loose your house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6mz5i/what_does_a_marriage_and_a_hurricane_have_in/
%
Did you know that when you say "poop" your mouth actually makes the same movements as your anus when you poop?

Same thing goes for "explosive diarrhea" ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6mxlw/did_you_know_that_when_you_say_poop_your_mouth/
%
You won't find better porn than mature lesbians.

Trust me, I've searched every nookie's granny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6mt67/you_wont_find_better_porn_than_mature_lesbians/
%
Grandma visit...

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.
When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6mbb9/grandma_visit/
%
Me: Dad when was the last happy moment you had?

Dad: How old are you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6m966/me_dad_when_was_the_last_happy_moment_you_had/
%
Did you hear about the Jewish tire?

Not only can it stop on a dime but it can also pick it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6m90h/did_you_hear_about_the_jewish_tire/
%
My wife had just given birth to our first.

As I held my daughter in my arms for the first time, pride welled up inside me but there was something else as well that I couldn't place. After a time she looked up at me and started to cry. Confused, I looked to my wife.
She smiled knowingly saying, "I think she's hungry."
It was in that moment I realized my true calling. I stared down into my beautiful baby's eyes and said the most important words in my life up until that point.
"Hi, Hungry I'm Dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6m77g/my_wife_had_just_given_birth_to_our_first/
%
Why are there so many female archaeologists?

Because women love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6m22d/why_are_there_so_many_female_archaeologists/
%
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson.

My pronouns are he/he

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6m0ac/i_sexually_identify_as_michael_jackson/
%
Why will Titanic II be better than Titanic I?

Because there are no icebergs to crash into anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6lo95/why_will_titanic_ii_be_better_than_titanic_i/
%
My great-grandfather in WWII

My great grandpa was responsible for the downing of over 25 German aircraft during the war.
He was the worst mechanic in the whole Luftwaffe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6l6d9/my_greatgrandfather_in_wwii/
%
I once knew an old German soldier who took to caring for sick animals when he retired from the armed forces.

I suppose you could say he was a Veteran Aryan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6l5nk/i_once_knew_an_old_german_soldier_who_took_to/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his zipper...

The bartender says “hey buddy, you have a steering wheel on your zipper!”
Pirate says “arrr, it’s driving me nuts!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6l474/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
%
What's the difference in a rake and an AK-47?

Beats me, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6l1as/whats_the_difference_in_a_rake_and_an_ak47/
%
Humans have 206 bones in thier body

And still we think our dogs love us for no reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6l140/humans_have_206_bones_in_thier_body/
%
In the Best Interest of the Child...

Miami, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Miami courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Miami Dolphins, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6knue/in_the_best_interest_of_the_child/
%
Started investing in beef and chicken stock.

I want to be a bouillonaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6kl5o/started_investing_in_beef_and_chicken_stock/
%
I saw a clip about how comedians are bad at sex..

.. and I've been looking for an excuse sooooo here I am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6kj0k/i_saw_a_clip_about_how_comedians_are_bad_at_sex/
%
If Trump's favorite movie is WALL-E and his favorite store is Wal-Mart, what's his favorite nut?

The one that created Ivanka

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6khp9/if_trumps_favorite_movie_is_walle_and_his/
%
What do you call a group of cows in America?

The United Steaks of America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6kg16/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_cows_in_america/
%
What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,
Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies.  We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
Sincerely,
The Internet Provider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6k8q2/what_is_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
A guy walks into a seafood store carrying a crab,

and he asked the owner, "Do you make crab cakes?" And the owner said, "Yes we do."...So the guy said, "Good because it's his birthday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6juk5/a_guy_walks_into_a_seafood_store_carrying_a_crab/
%
What is Lizzo's favorite time of day?

Truth hurt-ie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6jsd1/what_is_lizzos_favorite_time_of_day/
%
A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle on the passenger seat. "Have you been drinking?" the trooper asks. "Just water!", the priest replies. "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, "Praise the Lord, He's done it again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6jsbc/a_trooper_pulls_over_a_priest_and_immediately/
%
A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel.

As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn is disabled".
The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick f\*\*k".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6jrwj/a_man_on_vacation_with_his_family_arrives_at_a/
%
My spirit animal is a bull

Because, I too, charge head first into red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6jmex/my_spirit_animal_is_a_bull/
%
The clitoris has over 8000 nerve endings

But it's still not as sensitive as a vegan on social media

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6jl0a/the_clitoris_has_over_8000_nerve_endings/
%
“Officer, you can’t write me a ticket. I have to run a marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6jj5g/officer_you_cant_write_me_a_ticket_i_have_to_run/
%
I told my wife to get a Brazilian

The next day she introduced me to her new friend, Paulo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6jhw3/i_told_my_wife_to_get_a_brazilian/
%
What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Chicago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6jhpj/whats_37_chicken_23_cat_and_12_goat/
%
Singers needed

in choir within your local church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6jgr1/singers_needed/
%
Throwing acid is wrong..

In some people's eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6jelz/throwing_acid_is_wrong/
%
Barbie

A girl says to her mom, "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe".
Mom says, "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"
The girl replies, "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6j84z/barbie/
%
What DO you do with a drunken sailor?

Make a Disney Trilogy featuring an evil Scottish octopus and rake in the money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6j7tc/what_do_you_do_with_a_drunken_sailor/
%
You may not believe that Blackface happened in Canadian Politics...

It's Trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6j0xb/you_may_not_believe_that_blackface_happened_in/
%
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You think that's a coincidence?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6j0hq/two_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I won a trip to a Party in Space.

The food and beer was good.
The atmosphere was Crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6j032/i_won_a_trip_to_a_party_in_space/
%
Sex for interverts

Sex for introverts is like another opportunity to go inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6iuop/sex_for_interverts/
%
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

One night at dinner, he decides to test it out. He asks his son what he did that afternoon.
His son says, "I did some homework". The robot slaps him.
" Alright, alright." His son says. "I went to my friends  house and watched a movie."
"What movie?" The father asks.
"Toy Story." His son says. The robot slaps him.
"Alright, alright." His son says. We watched a porno.
The dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps him.
The mother laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6irl6/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
%
What do you call the Greek God of Regret?

Apollogies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6iq5s/what_do_you_call_the_greek_god_of_regret/
%
Did ya hear about the lobster that went to the party??

It pulled a mussel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6iq5k/did_ya_hear_about_the_lobster_that_went_to_the/
%
Tom finds a lamp in his grandfather’s attic

Seeing that it’s a little dusty, he rubs it. To his surprise, a genie appears in a puff of smoke.
Genie: greetings, mortal. As you have summoned me, i will give you three wishes
Tom: alright, i wish to be rich.
Genie: granted. What is your second wish?
Rich: i wish i had a lot of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ihey/tom_finds_a_lamp_in_his_grandfathers_attic/
%
I don't think video games are a bad influence on children. I've been playing with my sons on Call of Duty and they seem completely fine.

If anyone wants to add them, they just messaged me their gamertag.
So it's "werapeyourmum"
...I hope I spelt it right. I'm dyslexic, you see.
Such good kids. I wonder what they're going to repay their mum for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ify4/i_dont_think_video_games_are_a_bad_influence_on/
%
Batman gets a call from Robin, who was having trouble with the car

"Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!"
Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?"
There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks  "What's a tery?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6iexh/batman_gets_a_call_from_robin_who_was_having/
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The CIA is testing recruits

Out of more than 300 who aspired to become elite special agents only three made it to the final test: Two men and a woman. During weeks in which they reached and exceeded physical and psychological limits they proved time and time again that they are better than all others. Now, they are facing the hardest task of all.
In the morning, at exactly 6:04 AM the first man enters through a steel door into a tiny room. The room has another door at its opposite end. Between the man and that door is a small desk with an agent behind it and a gun on it. The agent wears black sunglasses and sits there absolutely motionless. Suddenly he starts to speak:
"Good morning. This is your final test. You will have to prove your loyalty to your country and to the agency. In the room behind me is a person who needs to be eliminated. You will use this gun. Please proceed."
The man takes the gun, steps around the desk and enters the next room. Ready to fire the gun he realizes that the gagged person tied to a chair in front of him is his wife. For about two minutes there is silence. Then, the man and his wife come out, sobbing and hugging each other. The man puts the gun back on the desk. All he can utter is: "I am sorry."
When the next recruit takes his turn, everything happens in a quite similar manner except for the fact that he is furious at the people who asked him to kill his wife. What he said to the agent upon returning his gun is not to be repeated here.
Now there is only one recruit left: the woman. She takes the gun, steps around the desk and proceeds into the next room, closing the door behind her to face her husband. For about five minutes no sound seems to escape the little room but then it seems to turn into a war zone: screams, breaking and bursting, and finally a thud.
The woman comes out of the room. Alone. Her clothes are torn, and her face is scratched. She places the gun back on the desk and says: "Sorry it took so long. That damn gun was not loaded. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ibb6/the_cia_is_testing_recruits/
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A guys sitting at a bar.

A guy sitting at the bar having a quiet drink by himself.  Soon a middle age woman sat down next to him and strike up a conversations.  The subject soon turned to sex and the woman asked him if he ever heard of the "huntman's special?"   Admitting that he never heard of it, he asked what "What is it?"
The woman says, "It's when a guy have a threesome with a woman and her daughter at the same time."   Looking over to the guy, she asked "So you wanna try it?"
He glanced over to the woman.  She was a little rough, older than he guess her to be, but what the heck maybe her daughter is in better shape.  He goes, "Sure I give it a go."
"Great!" the woman says, "I'll go get my Mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6i6es/a_guys_sitting_at_a_bar/
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I didn't want to believe the racist man in the brown face was the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6i3p9/i_didnt_want_to_believe_the_racist_man_in_the/
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A DEAF ITALIAN BOOKKEEPER

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his
lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the
shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says fuck you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6hszo/a_deaf_italian_bookkeeper/
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A guy goes in to work and his whole hand is shattered.

His boss looks at him and says “My goodness! What did you do?”
“I fist bumped my buddy on Saturday.” The man replied.
The boss looked at him and asked “Who’s your buddy? The Hulk?”
To which the man explained, “No his name is Larry but he was driving past me when we did it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6hbs5/a_guy_goes_in_to_work_and_his_whole_hand_is/
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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6hboq/an_englishman_a_scottish_man_and_an_irish_man_all/
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A Hillbilly joins the army

Next day while in training
General- Did you come here to die?
Hillbilly- No sir, I came here yester-die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ha8r/a_hillbilly_joins_the_army/
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What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6h9n8/what_do_you_call_a_nun_on_a_wheelchair/
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United States 2020 Election results are in!

Ой, подождите, извините, это только для нас, русских.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6h8bf/united_states_2020_election_results_are_in/
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A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" The host asks.
"I'm a turtle" said the man.
"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" Replies the host.
"Oh her?" He smiles. "That's just Michelle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6h4cm/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party_with_nothing_but_a/
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What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6h20o/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_2_brain_cells/
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I just gave away all my dead batteries

Free of charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6h0rd/i_just_gave_away_all_my_dead_batteries/
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My manager is a dick

Maybe that’s why he works at the sperm bank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6gznx/my_manager_is_a_dick/
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What do you say when a short psychic breaks out of jail?

Small medium at large...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6gy40/what_do_you_say_when_a_short_psychic_breaks_out/
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A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.

His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6gsnb/a_hydrogen_molecule_gets_arrested/
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Me after my 6th tequila shot

My brain: What u doing?
My stomach: What u doing?
My liver: What u doing?
Me to my ex: What u doing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6go91/me_after_my_6th_tequila_shot/
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Two calendars fell in love with each other

They went on a lot of dates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6gn6d/two_calendars_fell_in_love_with_each_other/
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A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor

and asked for 2 tattoos. She wanted a christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh. When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos. She replied " My husband always complains that theres nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6gn3c/a_soccer_mom_walked_into_a_tattoo_parlor/
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Never trust a train.

They have loco motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6gmnp/never_trust_a_train/
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I'm addicted to brake fluid and my family is upset.

But it doesn't bother me. I can stop anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6gf1z/im_addicted_to_brake_fluid_and_my_family_is_upset/
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My lesbian friend just bought me a Rolex for my birthday.

Very nice of her, but not exactly what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6gexx/my_lesbian_friend_just_bought_me_a_rolex_for_my/
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If you have a DeLorean

Would you drive it daily , or time to time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6g8ly/if_you_have_a_delorean/
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Magician: I will now cut this man's wife into 2 pieces

Sam: What kind of magic is this; turning one problem into two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6g7v4/magician_i_will_now_cut_this_mans_wife_into_2/
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When I say muy poco to my Spanish speaking friends...

It means very little to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6g247/when_i_say_muy_poco_to_my_spanish_speaking_friends/
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Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish for mor-
Genie: No wishing for more wishes
Me: I wish for more genies
Genie: Holy shit.
All the new genies: Holy shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6fs6u/genie_i_will_grant_you_one_wish/
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What do you call a cat with 8 legs?

An octo-puss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6fbvv/what_do_you_call_a_cat_with_8_legs/
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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...

Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6f65p/roadside_sobriety_tests_are_getting_ridiculous/
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If someone with a parrot and an eye patch carjacks me...

can I call him “a pirate of the car I be in?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6f5xg/if_someone_with_a_parrot_and_an_eye_patch/
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What Do You Call An Arrogant Thief Going Down The Stairs?

A Condescending Con Descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6f53r/what_do_you_call_an_arrogant_thief_going_down_the/
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Two flies are sitting on top of my head. Then one asks the other:

*"Do you remember how we used to play hide and seek up here?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6f44v/two_flies_are_sitting_on_top_of_my_head_then_one/
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The Outdoor Toilet

A young man wanted to invite his girlfriend to their farm but was embarrassed by the old-fashioned outdoor toilet.
He kept bickering his dad for a modern, indoor one, but the old-timer didn't want to give in.
Out of sheer desperation, he slips out one night, puts a lot of dynamite behind the toilet and blows the whole affair into oblivion.
The next morning at breakfast, his father asks him if it was he who destroyed the toilet and at the same time reminds him of the story of George Washington and the cherry tree.
"Yes, Dad," sighed the boy. "It was me."
"I'm glad you're so honest." said his father.
"And as punishment, you have to start digging the pit for a new one immediately."
"But Dad," protests the boy, "when George Washington admitted it was he who cut the tree, his father didn't punish him!"
"Yes, you're right," said his father. "But George's dad wasn't in the cherry tree when he cut it down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6f42i/the_outdoor_toilet/
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A man rubs a magic lamp and a Genie pops out.

Genie: You have one wish, but there's three rules.  I can't kill anyone, I can't make people fall in love and can't bring anyone back from the dead.
Man: I want socialism to work.
Genie: There's four rules.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6f2zm/a_man_rubs_a_magic_lamp_and_a_genie_pops_out/
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Doctor! Doctor!

"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm a dog!" "Have a seat and we'll talk." "But I'm not allowed on the sofa."
"Doctor! Doctor! I swallowed a roll of film." "Well let's more as this story develops."
"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm a curtain!" "Calm down. Pull yourself together."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6f0j2/doctor_doctor/
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I met a mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers

He would stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ez9h/i_met_a_mathematician_who_was_afraid_of_negative/
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Identity Crises!

A man goes to the doctor's consultation room to get the results of his wife's tests.
The lady on duty tells him: "I'm terribly sorry Mr. but there was a bit of a problem that crept in.
We sent your wife's tests along with another lady with the same surname, to the pathologists. Results came back now, but we don't know which one's which. The news is either 'bad' or 'worse'!"
"What do you mean?" asked the old man anxiously.
"Well one woman has Alzheimer's and the other one has AIDS! - we don't know who is who"
"Can we possibly redo the tests?" the man asked.
"The medical aid does not want to pay twice for such expensive tests," she replied again.
"So what do I do now?" the worried man wants to know.
"Well, your medical aid recommends that you drop your wife in the middle of town. If she finds her way home - you better not sleep with her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6evsb/identity_crises/
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Walmart installed a medical kiosk

For $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking  tennis elbow won't get better!
"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6eulw/walmart_installed_a_medical_kiosk/
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What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A labracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ess9/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_can_do_magic/
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Every woman wants a man who can make her laugh.

Too bad for me every woman finds nothing funnier than a million dollars in the bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6eox3/every_woman_wants_a_man_who_can_make_her_laugh/
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A kindergarten teacher is reviewing with her students

"What does the bee give us?", he asks,
"Honey!", say the kids,
"And what does the caterpillar give us?", he says,
"Silk!", they say,
"And what does the cow give us?",
"Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6eotm/a_kindergarten_teacher_is_reviewing_with_her/
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If tampons are sanitary napkins...

How unsanitary must regular napkins be?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6eopp/if_tampons_are_sanitary_napkins/
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So, I’m originally from Spain, and one the strangest things I discovered when moving to America was the was you hold your pens.

In Spain, we hold them straight up, whereas you hold them slightly on the side. I would always get weird looks when writing with my fountain pen. It’s not all that surprising.
After all, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6eknb/so_im_originally_from_spain_and_one_the_strangest/
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I was victim of mugging once

I had walked down to the grocery store to get a few ingredients for pot roast.  I already had the meat in the fridge at home so I really just needed the vegetables.  I picked out some onions, carrots, and some potatoes.  After paying, I started walking back to my apartment.  Some mean looking guy pops out of an alleyway holding a knife.  He tells me to give everything I got.  The audacity of this guy!  It made me so mad I just start swinging my reusable tote bag with my veggies at him.   He had that surprised look on his face right until one of the swings clocked him right in the face.  Knocked him down and I managed to kick the knife away.  I stood over him and said “Guess you weren’t expecting to mess with a master of Carrottee.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ek38/i_was_victim_of_mugging_once/
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What is a pirate’s favourite letter? *hint it is not ‘r’ or ‘c’..

A pirate’s favourite letter is “P”
It looks like an Arrrrgh, but it’s missing a leg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6edpr/what_is_a_pirates_favourite_letter_hint_it_is_not/
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What’s the difference between an islamic hide out and an Afghan pine nut farm?

I don’t know, I just fly the drones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6edot/whats_the_difference_between_an_islamic_hide_out/
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FREE Halloween costume idea:

Set yourself on fire and go as the planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6e9p6/free_halloween_costume_idea/
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A pirate walks into a bar...

...With a steering wheel between his legs
Bartender: what's with the steering wheel?
Pirate: yaarr, it's driving me nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6e5xi/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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Schrodinger's Cat jokes are the best

...and also the worst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6e5mu/schrodingers_cat_jokes_are_the_best/
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Patty and Murphy were fishing in a boat on a lake.

While fishing, they felt something bump against the side of their boat. Murphy looks over and sees a bottle. He reaches over and picks it up. He pulls the cork out of the bottle and a genie comes out of the bottle.
The genie says, “I’ll give you each a wish for releasing me.”
Patty wastes no time. “A wish each? Well then, I wish this whole lake were Guinness, t’be sure.”
The genie says, “Shazam! Your wish is granted.” The whole lake was now Guinness.
Patty suddenly felt a smack on the back of his head. He looked to Murphy and said, “Jaysus! What the hell was that fer?”
Murphy yells at him, “Y’fockin idiot! Now we have t’ piss in the boat!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6e1hg/patty_and_murphy_were_fishing_in_a_boat_on_a_lake/
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I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.

That's how I lost my teaching license.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6dyov/i_peed_my_pants_every_time_i_stood_in_front_of_my/
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A man went to the doctors..

“I’m sorry, but you only have 10 to live.” “10 What?”
“9..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6dvwo/a_man_went_to_the_doctors/
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How do you say "Jehova's Witness" in Chinese?

Ding dong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6dtmw/how_do_you_say_jehovas_witness_in_chinese/
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I was in the toilet when my friend sent me a porn video

I played it, no sound, I increased the volume to the highest still no sound, so I didn't bother.
I watched it for about 8 minutes before I remembered, my phone was connected to the Bluetooth player in the living room with my family and our guests are waiting for me.
I've been in the toilet for 6 hours now.
(Read it from a facebook post)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6dsiy/i_was_in_the_toilet_when_my_friend_sent_me_a_porn/
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A Snail With An Attitude

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees a snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?'
This joke made my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6dqzm/a_snail_with_an_attitude/
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I couldn’t decide what to wear to my premature ejaculator’s anonymous meeting the other day

So I came in my pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6dqdf/i_couldnt_decide_what_to_wear_to_my_premature/
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Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The ceremony wasn't that good, but the reception was amazing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6dmin/did_you_hear_about_the_two_antennas_that_got/
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Why are rappers so afraid of algebra?

Cause X gonna give it to ya

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6dljf/why_are_rappers_so_afraid_of_algebra/
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I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6dj1y/i_told_my_doctor_that_i_broke_my_arm_in_two_places/
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What do horny pirates look for?

Chests and booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6di9u/what_do_horny_pirates_look_for/
%
Why do Dads tell Dad jokes?

Because they want to see their kids all groan up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6d6mk/why_do_dads_tell_dad_jokes/
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What do you call a king who loves weed

Your highness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6d48q/what_do_you_call_a_king_who_loves_weed/
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A guy in a bar overheard someone say: "If you want to succeed you should go to this address..."

Ambitious as he was he immediately wrote down the address on a napkin and left.
It wasn't too late so he headed to the address and knocked on the door shouting "I want to succeed! I want to succeed!".
After a few seconds a guy opens the door an says:
"Ok man, ok... I'm Sid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6d2hm/a_guy_in_a_bar_overheard_someone_say_if_you_want/
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I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 104 days

I don’t know, I don’t have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6czih/i_hate_it_when_people_ask_where_i_see_myself_in/
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What would you call a Darth Vader statue?

Mannequin Skywalker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6cz8x/what_would_you_call_a_darth_vader_statue/
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A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6cs7j/a_very_badly_beaten_up_man_came_to_hospital/
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What did Alexander the Great and Smoky the Bear have in common?

The same middle name.
(Hope it's not been done yet)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6cri2/what_did_alexander_the_great_and_smoky_the_bear/
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Liberace was a great piano player.

He sucked on the organ, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6cqmz/liberace_was_a_great_piano_player/
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Why did the jalapeno wear a tiny jacket?

Because he was just a little chili.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6cnql/why_did_the_jalapeno_wear_a_tiny_jacket/
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Adam Lee was born to family in Hong Kong

Adam was born in Hong Kong as the seventh child to the Lee family, who were loving parents. Adam's parents had moved to Hong Kong in from a small village in the Xinjiang province of China in search of a better life for them and their family.
However, due to a lack of proper education in their village, they struggled to find work and both ended up working as cleaners in a University, earning minimum wage and they struggled day to day to get by. However, they were loving parents, and gave everything they could to their children. Adam had a happy childhood, a better education, and loved his mother and father dearly.
The day after completing his final school exams, young Adam's world was torn apart.His parents had been killed in a tragic boating accident while they we celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. This devastated the teenager, he adored his parents and felt he has lost his whole world. He decided to go travelling to get away from the life in Hong Kong, where every day he was reminded of those he had lost. Using his meagre inheritance, he booked a ticket to London and packed a single bag, not looking back.
Adam lived the high life, working in hotels and bars, he travelled Europe, drinking and partying his sorrows away. After a good six months, he met a girl and settled in Amsterdam, which was as good a city for the young man as you can imagine. He was fed up with the lifestyle of hospitality work, and found an ad for a job as apprentice cheese maker, of all things, studying the profession under the tutelage of Franciscus Veltman, a cheese maker world renowned, his Edam especially was constantly voted the best in all of the Netherlands. As such they technique and recipe was a closely guarded secret, only known to Franciscus himself.
Things unfortunately faded away with the girl, as young love tends to do, however Adam had inherited his parents work ethic, and turned out to be a natural at making cheese. He and his mentor formed a close bond, with Franciscus, who was unable to have a family of his own, loved and looked after Adam as if he was his was his own son; and Adam himself looked up to him as a father. He had even finally taught Adam the secret Edam recipe, strengthening the bond between the two.
With the help of Adam, Franciscus' business went from strength to strength, and after 3 years, he decided to take well deserved vacation for the first time in decades, such was his dedication to Caseiculture, safe in the knowledge that his livelihood was in good hands with Adam at the helm. He booked himself on a week long cruise down the Danube, as he'd always wanted to see the beauty of Budapest.
Alas, tragedy struck again, as the cruise ship capsized, and Franciscus drowned in his cabin. For the second time on his still early life, Adam had been left heartbroken. He couldn't bring himself to stay in Amsterdam, packed his things and moved back to Hong Kong.
Never one to be fully hindered by adversity, Adam used his skills and started his own cheese shop in his hometown. Again, thanks to Adam's hard work, talent and dedication, this was a roaring success, he made cheeses from all over the world that delighted the taste buds off anyone who tried them. As a tribute to dear old Franciscus, he however never sold his world famous Edam, only keeping it to make at home and treat those nearest to his heart. Despite constant calls from cheese lovers the world over who had tasted the Edam in Holland, Adam never wavered, and the cheese was never sold to the baying public.
Adam at this point fell in love with the daughter of the owner of the florist next door to his shop, a beautiful young lady called Chen. He finally plucked up the courage to ask Chen out, ask took her to the finest restaurant in Hong Kong. Chen fell for Adam's wit and charm, and before long they were married in a lavish ceremony.
Six months of marital bliss later, Chen becomes pregnant. Adam is delighted, with his life finally coming together. When Chen goes into labour, Adam rushes to the hospital. Ten painful hours later, and Chen gives birth, not to a child, but to a deer! Everyone is in shock, and experts the world over descend on Hong Kong to witness this miracle of science, but no one can explain it.
Nevertheless, Adam and Chen treat the deer as if it was human, and in a fitting tribute name him Franciscus after his mentor and father figure, but along the way, shorten it to Frank for ease. Young Frank, despite the media attention, lives a sheltered childhood, and learns to walk, speak, goes to school, and leads as normal a life as an anthropomorphic deer could do.
Adam continues to run his now thriving cheese business, and still keeps the masterful Edam just for special occasions with his new family, and Frank adores it, counting down the days until the next event when Adam brings it out to share.
Frank continues his education, but a final tragedy was awaiting Adam. Chen, while out on a sailing holiday in the South China Sea with her now retired parents, fell overboard and was killed by a shark attack.
Adam, after another cruel accident taking another loved one, cannot take anymore, and moves back to his parents village in Xinjiang, as far away from any large water sources as possible. He lives as a recluse, hiding away from the world in grief and sorrow.
It's left to young Frank to run the cheese business. He, unfortunately, is not as adept at cheese making or running a business as his father, and the company starts to struggle. Realising this, he writes to his father for the legendary Edam recipe to sell to help revive the fortunes. His father, now a stubborn, grouchy soul, steadfast refuses out of tribute to Franciscus.
Frank continues to just about keep the business afloat for the next few years, but every six months sends the same letter to his father asking for the recipe that could turn around his fortunes, but is constantly refused.
Finally, Frank hears word that Adam is on his death bed, his grief stricken body as succumbed to cancer. Frank rushes to Xinjiang, to find Adam in a terrible state, with only hours to live. After a long and tearful goodbye, Frank again asks for the recipe.
Adam, gives him a long look up and down, and says with his dying breath "I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, but Frank Lee, my deer, I don't give Edam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6cmkb/adam_lee_was_born_to_family_in_hong_kong/
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US: Iraq, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

iraq: No we don't?
\*US invades Iraq*
US: Syria, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!
Syria: No we don't!
\*US invades Syria*
US: North Korea, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!
North Korea: Yeah? What's up with that?
US: No.. nothing..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6clcc/us_iraq_i_heard_you_have_weapon_of_mass/
%
Why should you never eat a clock?

It's too time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6cduj/why_should_you_never_eat_a_clock/
%
How did the hipster burn himself?

Drinking coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6c50u/how_did_the_hipster_burn_himself/
%
A pirate walks into a doctor's surgery.

"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind."
The doctor has a look at the pirate's back.
"It's OK," he says, "they're benign."
"Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6c4h1/a_pirate_walks_into_a_doctors_surgery/
%
Broke in at the Apple Store.

Police are looking for iWITNESSES.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6byed/broke_in_at_the_apple_store/
%
Green curry and red curry had a race

It was a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6by03/green_curry_and_red_curry_had_a_race/
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They say curiosity killed the cat... But in reality it just grabbed your attention

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”  The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.  The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”  The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.  Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.  shaolin kung fuThe monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.  The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”  The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”  The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”  The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”  The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”  The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”  The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.  Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.  The man demands the key to the stone door.  The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.  He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.  Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.  So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.  Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”  The man is relieved to no end.  He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.  But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk
Yeah uh, Sorry for wasting your time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6bwwh/they_say_curiosity_killed_the_cat_but_in_reality/
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I made my Google email password as 'Saitama'.

Google said 'Your password is VERY STRONG'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6bm5b/i_made_my_google_email_password_as_saitama/
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A New Monk

A young monk arrives at the monastery and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
Into the job, he notices all monks are copying from copies, not from original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
The Abbot goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees him.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
_*They missed the R! They missed the R! They missed the bloody R!"*_
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was _*CELEBRATE*_!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6bj3r/a_new_monk/
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My roommate and I have gotten really close, he confessed to me that he’s a compulsive masturbator...

I’m scared that he’s rubbing off on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6bf2e/my_roommate_and_i_have_gotten_really_close_he/
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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?

Me: Does this tie make me look bald?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6bcj4/wife_does_this_dress_make_me_look_fat/
%
What do Rockstars and Police Officers have in common?

"EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6bbhw/what_do_rockstars_and_police_officers_have_in/
%
Whats scarier than seeing a spider in the shower?

Not seeing the spider in the shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6b893/whats_scarier_than_seeing_a_spider_in_the_shower/
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What's the difference between Counting and Accounting?

**Counting:** *One, Two, Three, Four, Five...*
**Accounting:** *Ah-One, Ah-Two, Ah-Three, Ah-Four, Ah-Five...*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6b7qy/whats_the_difference_between_counting_and/
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A six year old boy goes to work with his father....

A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.
After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.
The father asks his kid "what's the matter son?"
The kid replies "where are all the clowns that you say you work with?"
Edit - typo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6b59y/a_six_year_old_boy_goes_to_work_with_his_father/
%
Me: "There are only two genders!"

Them: "Only a cis deals in absolutes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ayyp/me_there_are_only_two_genders/
%
"My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily
'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .
And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6aosc/my_lord_my_client_is_a_liftman_and_this/
%
What is the most musical part of a humans body?

The Eardrum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ajxg/what_is_the_most_musical_part_of_a_humans_body/
%
An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening..

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ajwo/an_undercover_cop_called_at_my_farm_in_the_sticks/
%
An Arab kid talks to his dad [M]

An Arab kid talks to his dad
-Dad...
-Yes, son?
-Why do we wear this weird headscarf?
-It's called burnus and it protects our head from the desert sun.
-And Dad...
-Yes son?
-Why do we wear these weird robes?
-They're called burka, and it protects us from the desert heat.
-Okay, but Dad...
-Yes son?
-What are these odd shoes we wear called?
-They're called babouches, and they protect our feet from getting burned in the desert sand.
-I understand, but Dad...
-Yes son?
-One last question... Then why the fuck are we living in Berlin?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6ah18/an_arab_kid_talks_to_his_dad_m/
%
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6afkw/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_catholic/
%
OJ Simpson, Scott Peterson, and Oscar Pistorius walk into a bar...

...all three order a Bloody Mary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6adqw/oj_simpson_scott_peterson_and_oscar_pistorius/
%
My mother once called me a son of B**ch

So I hit her because no one talks trash about my mother, and then I hit myself because no one hits my mother, she then hit me because no one hits her son and then she hit herself because no one hits me, so I hit her because no one hits my mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6aczy/my_mother_once_called_me_a_son_of_bch/
%
I used to know a Russian sound engineer who said DA to test microphones.

And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6a5z6/i_used_to_know_a_russian_sound_engineer_who_said/
%
How much blow does Charlie sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6a3rs/how_much_blow_does_charlie_sheen_do/
%
Do you know why it is that Waldo wears stripes?

He doesn't want to be spotted.
(Someone told me this joke today at work, so I guarantee it's been around, but I had to share it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d69xv5/do_you_know_why_it_is_that_waldo_wears_stripes/
%
A man walks up to a widow at a funeral.

He asks "May I say something?"
The widow said "Of course."
The man stands up, calls the attention of the house, and says "Plethora" and sits back down.
The widow turns to the man and smiles "thanks. That means a lot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d69ucj/a_man_walks_up_to_a_widow_at_a_funeral/
%
Husband: Babe can you tell me something that makes me feel good and bad at the same time?

Wife: Out of all your friends you have the biggest dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d69ds5/husband_babe_can_you_tell_me_something_that_makes/
%
With great Power comes greater...

Electricity Bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d69732/with_great_power_comes_greater/
%
My friend told me he didn't know what the cloning machine does.

I replied, "That makes two of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d695wg/my_friend_told_me_he_didnt_know_what_the_cloning/
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What doctors have a hard time paying bills?

Proctologists, they're always in arrears!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d690uc/what_doctors_have_a_hard_time_paying_bills/
%
I told my girlfriend I liked her company. She didn't think "like" was a strong enough word.

So I bought 51% of her shares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d68zal/i_told_my_girlfriend_i_liked_her_company_she/
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A white man and a black man walk into a bakery

The white man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the black, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The black man says to the white man, "That's typical of you white people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The black man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the black man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The black man replies, "Look in the white mans back pocket....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d68we0/a_white_man_and_a_black_man_walk_into_a_bakery/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her as an alter boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d68ml1/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
1 challenged 3 to a fight...

But 3 brought 5, 7, and 9 with him.
1 thought the odds are against him.
So he called 2, 4, 6 and 8 for help.
Now, they're even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d68mcf/1_challenged_3_to_a_fight/
%
You know what elderly pussy tastes like?

Eh... Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d68emp/you_know_what_elderly_pussy_tastes_like/
%
What kind of games do pirates play?

Arrr-pgs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6858w/what_kind_of_games_do_pirates_play/
%
I hate how people meaninglessly joke about 9/11, my grandpa died then.

He was such a great pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d683s8/i_hate_how_people_meaninglessly_joke_about_911_my/
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I was hesitant to download this app

I knew one day I might regreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d68014/i_was_hesitant_to_download_this_app/
%
A man applies to be a superhero as a part of the X-Men

When asked what his super power is, the man replies "Hindsight".
The doctor says "That won't be of any use to us".
The man replies, "Yes, I see that now".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d67yzh/a_man_applies_to_be_a_superhero_as_a_part_of_the/
%
Dated a blind girl once..

It didnt work out, we didnt see eye to eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d67u93/dated_a_blind_girl_once/
%
What sound does a plane make when it hits the ground and bounces back up again

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d67tws/what_sound_does_a_plane_make_when_it_hits_the/
%
Have you ever been caught masturbating in the cupboard?

No? It's a good hiding spot isn't it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d67oia/have_you_ever_been_caught_masturbating_in_the/
%
I finally understand why Americans refuse to switched from pounds to kilograms

They want to avoid mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d67k7u/i_finally_understand_why_americans_refuse_to/
%
Finally got to tell the kid he was adopted today!

The face he made as we made him pack his stuff and leave was priceless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d67hal/finally_got_to_tell_the_kid_he_was_adopted_today/
%
A dog sleepwalks into a bar . . .

He tells the bartender “ZZZZ I’m a cat ZZZZ I’m a cat.”  The bartender says “Yes sir you are.”  The sleepwalking dog leaves and a patron says “Why did you agree with him?  That dog’s not a cat!!”
The bartender replies “You gotta let sleeping dogs lie.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d67fvu/a_dog_sleepwalks_into_a_bar/
%
I used to have a problem with grammatical tenses...

but not yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d67cgb/i_used_to_have_a_problem_with_grammatical_tenses/
%
Some would say that the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating is your genitalia.

But it's actually your ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d677fd/some_would_say_that_the_most_sensitive_part_of/
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What do you call a lady who has come to buy a table?

She is comfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d66mdy/what_do_you_call_a_lady_who_has_come_to_buy_a/
%
So, the Pope is super early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally, he's a bit rusty so he's driving poorly when suddenly he sees police lights.

He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope, "Hold on for a minute", and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
"Chief, we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure." "How important? A governor or something?" "No sir, he's bigger." "So what, a celebrity??" "More important, sir." "A major politician???" "No sir, he's much bigger than that." "WELL, WHO THE HELL IS HE????"
"Sir, actually, I'm not sure but the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d66m8a/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight_he_asks/
%
What do you call a documentary about a trombone

A slideshow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d66hfg/what_do_you_call_a_documentary_about_a_trombone/
%
Disgusting!!

I was walking past a gay bar pumping with music the other day.
It was some Nickelback song. And keep in mind this bar was packed full of guys.
Actually, before I go on…
I just want to acknowledge that this is not going to be a popular joke!!
In fact if you’re offended easily, I’d rather you just stopped reading now.
Because this one will cut deep. But honestly, I was disgusted by this and I need to get it off my chest.
Still with me? Alright
I grew up in a small Aussie town. Out in the bush. Still, I consider myself tolerant of the choices other people make.
So when I was walking past this gay bar last week, music blaring and guys everywhere, I wasn’t going to say anything.
The only people around the door were these two men standing out the front anyway. Big guys too. Obviously spent a lot of time in the gym.
One was in a blue singlet and the other wore a mesh tank top.
They were each drinking a beer and they seemed to be *very* flirty. Either they were dating or they’d just met and hit it off. I don’t know which.
Anyway, as the music kept reverberating out the door, the guy in the blue singlet put his hand on the other man’s arm and I froze in my tracks.
I’ll accept a lot. But something about the whole situation just wasn’t right.
But like I said, I’d been taught to be accepting, so I put my head down and continued on my way.
An hour or so later I was walking back on the same street. And I could hear the music from at least a block away.
Louder. And louder. And **louder**.
By the time I got back to the gay bar the same two men were still out the front.
This time though, the guy in the blue singlet was much drunker. He was swaying and stumbling onto the sidewalk. Almost in time to the music that came from inside the open doors.
So get this, the other guy catches him and their eyes lock. There’s a moment where they just look at each other. And all the while the music is just bursting out onto the street.
At this point the guy in the blue singlet leans forward like he’s about to kiss the other guy and I’ve fucking had enough.
I can handle a lot in my city. But some things just disgust me.
I stormed towards them. My hands shaking and my heart beating out of my chest. No longer able to hide my true thoughts as I said…
>“You were listening to Nickelback when I walked past earlier. And you’re *still* listening to Nickelback now!”
Nickelback disgusts me.
Not in my city.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d66hf3/disgusting/
%
a cheese factory exploded in France

da brie is everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d66azm/a_cheese_factory_exploded_in_france/
%
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d66909/wife_does_this_dress_make_me_look_fat_me_you/
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Well....I'm at the emergency room

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I decided to go ride a horse. The horse made a sudden jerk and reared up, and I couldn't hold on. I fell off, and my foot got caught in the stirrup. The horse kept bucking and running, and was dragging me and wouldn't stop. Thank goodness the manager of the grocery store came out and unplugged the machine. But then he had the nerve to take the rest of my quarters so I wouldn't attempt to drive the Batmobile, and told me to stay away from the handicap carts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d668ks/wellim_at_the_emergency_room/
%
The pyramids took so long to build because creepers kept on destroying them...

That's why the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats to scare the creepers away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d664no/the_pyramids_took_so_long_to_build_because/
%
I invented a special flashlight for finding your friends

I'm calling it bud light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d663x4/i_invented_a_special_flashlight_for_finding_your/
%
Im reading about a horrific clothing fire in the china. They have the fire put out already but firemen are still searching the building.

Thankfully they have not discovered any casual Ts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d65ra1/im_reading_about_a_horrific_clothing_fire_in_the/
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What do you get if you push a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d65i5v/what_do_you_get_if_you_push_a_piano_down_a_mine/
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Why does everyone have such an issue with Russian satellites?

It’s none of our business if they want to build a Death Tzar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d65gh8/why_does_everyone_have_such_an_issue_with_russian/
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Little girl and her muffin

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.
She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you wanna sit down and watch your daddy you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d65ere/little_girl_and_her_muffin/
%
What happens when there are really bad sand storms on Naboo?

Jar Jar blinks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d658ob/what_happens_when_there_are_really_bad_sand/
%
summer is like communism

there are no classes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d657ha/summer_is_like_communism/
%
My dating life is like a haunted house

I keep getting ghosted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d656xr/my_dating_life_is_like_a_haunted_house/
%
I walked in on my brother masturbating.

I started laughing, and said, "You masturbate with your finger up your arse!"
"Don't you?" he asked, shyly.
"No," I said. "And besides, I think you would have noticed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d653vr/i_walked_in_on_my_brother_masturbating/
%
Today I went to the doctor and he gave me two thumbs up.

I have to find a different proctologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d64zyr/today_i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_gave_me_two/
%
Why are female orgasms so much different from men's?

Because their O varies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d64u5c/why_are_female_orgasms_so_much_different_from_mens/
%
A man walked into the bedroom and he wife was packing a bag of clothes with a scowl on her face

"Where in the hell are you off to?" He asked
The wife replied, "Im off to New York!"
"Whats so special about New York?" The man asked
"In New york i could get paid 400$ for what i do for you for free!" She shouted
The husband didnt say a word and started slamming clothes into a bag.
"What are you doing?" The wife questioned.
"I want to see you survive in New York on $800 per year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d64prg/a_man_walked_into_the_bedroom_and_he_wife_was/
%
My friend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public

I said maybe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d64oml/my_friend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_oasis_songs_in/
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Someone I matched with on Tinder asked why I have an unlit cigarette as my pfp

I told her I was looking for matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d64k79/someone_i_matched_with_on_tinder_asked_why_i_have/
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[Long] a blind joke.

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered
with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying,
and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to kno when to take off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d64h64/long_a_blind_joke/
%
A while ago a stranger asked me if he could urinate on my wrist.

I told him: "Not on my watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d64h4z/a_while_ago_a_stranger_asked_me_if_he_could/
%
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved. They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d64cpa/whats_the_difference_between_a_boyfriend_and_a/
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I was in a relationship with a blind girl.

It was rewarding, but challenging.
It took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6444q/i_was_in_a_relationship_with_a_blind_girl/
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Bad Luck!

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d63ibo/bad_luck/
%
[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.
The barista compassionately eyed the man for a moment and asked, "Excuse me, I can't help but notice you seem seem upset, is everything alright?" The programmer replies, "Yeah, yeah I'm fine... I just have this project at work where I need to integrate several complicated functions into one software application, but they're all written in different languages and nothing I do seems to work!" The barista understandingly smiles, and suggests he go walk his dog and mull things over. He thanks her, and decides it would be a good idea to get some fresh air and get some circulation going after sitting for so long in front of his computer at work, so he sets out on a short trek down the nearby street.
Incidentally, he walks past a pet shop, and upon seeing the animals in the window, his dog, stops, turns to his owner and begins to bark excitedly. "You want to go in boy?" he asks. "Come on, let's go check it out."
The dog immediately makes for the window section of the shop he had seen from outside, which contained a large, dull brown colored constrictor snake. The top of the enclosure was open, and not very high off the ground, which the programmer's dog took full advantage off, sprinting headfirst to get to the snake. The programmer, surprised by the sudden explosive movement, spills the rest of his coffee, getting it everywhere - all over his shirt, the floor, and even both of   animals got  in front of him got splashed with the  now-lukewarm brew.
Immediately, the dog whimpered and retreated from the  mess as far as the leash would allow him, and the snake recoiled and likewise put as much distance between him as he could to the puddle of coffee that had formed in the enclosure. The pet shop owner jogged over to clean it up, and, amid profuse apologies, waved down the programmer's offer to help  and said it was all okay, no real harm was done. As soon as the coffee had been mopped up, though, the dog went back to trying to get at the snake, but now the man was ready and held the leash back a safe distance.
"Hmph" the programmer grunted. "This is just like my project at work. The matte Lab, the python, and the java elements are not compatible with each other".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d63199/oc_a_programmer_walks_into_a_coffee_shop/
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A crazy guy outside my work has been wearing a “The end is near!” sign every day for the last 2 months.

Fuckin’ false advertising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d630qv/a_crazy_guy_outside_my_work_has_been_wearing_a/
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What's the difference between herpes and student loan?

You could have some fun time before you get herpes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d62wt7/whats_the_difference_between_herpes_and_student/
%
Why did the T-Rex attack the LGBTQ parade?

It wanted to Taste the Rainbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d62obw/why_did_the_trex_attack_the_lgbtq_parade/
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There is a new teacher of foreign language in Pepes class

The teacher writes sentences in foreign language on blackboard. Then she calls up the students one by one and asks them for translation until its Pepes turn. Before he can respond they can hear loud knocking.
It is a headmaster. As the teacher is new to her job and freshly graduated the headmaster of the school decided to visit her class to see how she is doing. He sits in a back row next to little Pepe.
The teacher continues where she stopped and asks Pepe for translation again. Pepe was never good student but now he looks confidently into her eyes and says "What a juicy ass, I would fuck her rough." The teacher is horrified, gives Pepe an F mark and sign him up for detention.
Little Peppe slowly turns to the headmaster and says "Dude, don't hint if you don't know the correct answer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d62md6/there_is_a_new_teacher_of_foreign_language_in/
%
Why didn't Jesus play in the Bethlehem X Nazareth soccer match?

Because he was suspended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d62hvf/why_didnt_jesus_play_in_the_bethlehem_x_nazareth/
%
I have a proven strategy to walk out of any casino with a small fortune and it works 100% of the time

All you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d62fbk/i_have_a_proven_strategy_to_walk_out_of_any/
%
The FBI Needed a Stone Cold Killer

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her  a  gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter   what the circumstances.'
Inside  the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair... we need you to  kill him.' She said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my husband.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right person for this job. Take   your husband and go home.'
The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went  into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The woman came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill him.' The agent said,   'You don't have what it takes.'
Finally,  the last woman was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took  the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after  another.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a  few  minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman,  wiping the sweat from her brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks,'  she said, 'I had to beat that asshole to death with a chair.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d62dsp/the_fbi_needed_a_stone_cold_killer/
%
What's the difference between a prostitute and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't spit my load out when it's done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6281f/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
%
What did the man in the wheelchair say?

I can’t stand being in this wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d626kr/what_did_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_say/
%
Why did the drug addict fall over?

He tripped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d620dn/why_did_the_drug_addict_fall_over/
%
There was a guy in town stealing the wheels off police cars

The cops are working tirelessly to catch him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d61zqs/there_was_a_guy_in_town_stealing_the_wheels_off/
%
Understanding Pregnancy

A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor "My wife is pregnant but we always use protection and I KNOW that it never broke, how could this happen?"
The doctor sits the man down and says "let me tell you a story, there was a hunter who always brought his gun with him everywhere he went. But one day he decided to bring his umbrella instead. Suddenly, a lion comes jumping out of a bush and starts to attack the man. He pulls up his umbrella like he is gonna shot the lion and the lions dies."
The man sitting down, looking confused, says " well that doesn't make any sense! Someone else must have shot it!"
The doctor says "good, you understand what I'm telling you then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d61zen/understanding_pregnancy/
%
did you know all skeletons are gay?

of course not they're always in the closet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d61ynw/did_you_know_all_skeletons_are_gay/
%
Did ya hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d61pzv/did_ya_hear_about_the_butcher_who_backed_into_his/
%
A lizard is walking through the jungle ...

and sees this monkey in a tree smoking weed and says, "Hey monkey what are you doing up in that tree."
"Oh, I gotta smoke up this here weed. You should come up and help me." replied the         monkey.
"Well, O.K. I'll be right up."
So the monkey and the lizard are smoking up the weed, getting pretty fucked up and   philosophizing about how harsh the jungle can be. After  awhile, the lizard starts to get thirsty.
"Ill be right back. Gonna get a drink from the river."
The lizard heads to the river for a drink, but is so high that he falls in the river, and starts to drown. An alligator sees him drowning and feels bad for him. If the alligator had a son, he would look a lot like that lizard; he'd be damned if he let that little lizard drown. Carrying the lizard safely to the shore, the alligator asks,
"What happened lizard? How could you be so careless man?
"I'm fucked up. Gator, I'm really fucking high. This monkey in a tree has got sack of budah he needs to-
"A monkey-
"Yeah, in a tree-
"A monkey in a tree got you so high you nearly drown? I gotta meet this monkey."
So the alligator heads into the woods in search of the monkey. There, plain as day, is the monkey with huge blunt smoking away.
"Hey monkey!" shouted the alligator.
The monkey took a long confused look at the alligator and said,
"Holy shit man, how much water did you drink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d61ne2/a_lizard_is_walking_through_the_jungle/
%
When does a joke become a Dad joke?

When it is apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d619yd/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the "self help" books.

She said "that sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6196a/i_asked_the_librarian_if_she_would_direct_me_to/
%
A man wakes up in hospital.

A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.  Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch. The man perks up.    So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed."
The doctor comes back the next day,
"So, have you spoken with your wife?”
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?”  "Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d612wn/a_man_wakes_up_in_hospital/
%
Son: "I fell in love with a beautiful girl."

Father: "That's great, do I know her?"
Son: "Yes, it is Andrea who lives across the street."
Father: "Oh that is bad, I am sorry, don't tell this to your mom but Andrea is your sister."
The boy is upset, but accepts the truth.
After few months he comes to his dad again.
Son: "I am in love with even more beautiful girl."
Father: "That's great who is she?"
Son: "Libiena living across the street, you know her."
Father: "That's bad, I have to disappoint you again, she is your sister, I am sorry."
It goes the same path with Zorlien, Marlen, Nurith, Malvina, Viera, Korona, Efrin and Sola.
Furious one day the boy decides to tell her mom.
Son: "It is horrible, I can't date any girl in this town because apparently dad fucked up the whole city and every girl is my sister!"
Mom: "Silly you, don't worry, he is not your father..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d610yi/son_i_fell_in_love_with_a_beautiful_girl/
%
United States 2020 Election results are in!

Oh wait sorry this is just for us Russians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d60okk/united_states_2020_election_results_are_in/
%
My 18 yo sister said that online dating is tough

In the past 8 years every man she met there ended up in jail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d60jrp/my_18_yo_sister_said_that_online_dating_is_tough/
%
Why do birds fly to warmer climates in the winter?

Because it is easier than walking! I'm so sorry guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d60id6/why_do_birds_fly_to_warmer_climates_in_the_winter/
%
What did the hat say to the scarf?

You go on around, I'll go on ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d60hl6/what_did_the_hat_say_to_the_scarf/
%
I actually really like single ply toilet paper...

It helps me stay in touch with my inner self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d60gek/i_actually_really_like_single_ply_toilet_paper/
%
Two painters are painting a church

They notice that they don't have enough paint so they pour some water in it and finish their job. 5 minutes later a thunderstorm rains and washes everything away.
A booming voice comes over from the clouds as the painters watch.
"Repaint and thin no more"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d60f2g/two_painters_are_painting_a_church/
%
What's the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?

One shoots but doesn't hit, the other hoots but doesn't shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d60c65/whats_the_difference_between_a_poor_marksman_and/
%
The FBI had an open position for an assassin

After  all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they  had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test,  the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a  gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter  what the circumstances.'
Inside  the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to  kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my  wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take  your wife and go home.'
The  second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went  into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with  tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said,  'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally,  the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took  the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few  minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man,  wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks'  he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6078b/the_fbi_had_an_open_position_for_an_assassin/
%
A 12 year old boy goes in the confession box and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d6067t/a_12_year_old_boy_goes_in_the_confession_box_and/
%
Did you see the news?

Tim: John did you see the news yesterday?
John: No shy?
Tim: an actress was killed! She got stabbed to death. Her name was um reese?
John: Witherspoon?
Tim: no with a knife John

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5zyb1/did_you_see_the_news/
%
Man goes to meet his drug dealer,

He asks him if he has anything to fix his stiff joints.
The dealer gives him his usual baggie of weed and says " Don't roll them so hard next time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5zxut/man_goes_to_meet_his_drug_dealer/
%
I'm optimistically single.

My bed is half full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5zwo8/im_optimistically_single/
%
What’s the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ztmp/whats_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
%
I asked my daughter for the news

I asked my daughter to bring me the newspaper. she said I'm too old fashioned and brought me her iPhone. Not getting too much into details, the fly is now dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is crying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5zm4z/i_asked_my_daughter_for_the_news/
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What’s the difference between an Israelite and an Israeli?

About thirty calories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5zj5u/whats_the_difference_between_an_israelite_and_an/
%
A man drove by an asylum and got a flat tire...

As he begins to change the tire, he sees a man in a window watching him from the insane asylum.
Nervous as he changes his tire, he drops the lugnuts down the sewer drain.
Now he's stuck on what to do
The patient in the window yells down at the man.
"Hey! ...hey! Up here! Take one lug nut off of each tire, then each tire will have 3 and you can get into town and replace them."
The man says, " omg that's brilliant! What are you doing in a place like this??"
The patient says, " I'm crazy, not stupid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5z937/a_man_drove_by_an_asylum_and_got_a_flat_tire/
%
A young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot

The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it's a real smart-ass, with a vulgar vocabulary and a rude temperament.
The woman says that's OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyway.
So the woman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she gets her slacks off the parrot says: "AWK... NICE LEGS BABY!" Well the the woman isn't gonna take this shit so she takes the bird out of the cage and puts it in the freezer for 3 minutes.
While the parrots in the freezer, he becomes real sure that this was the wrong thing to say, and is making a large mental note about saying that again.
The next night, again the woman is getting ready for bed this time the parrot KNOWS not to say any thing about her legs, but after she removes her blouse, and then her bra... the parrot just can't resist any longer. He blurts out "AWK... GREAT TITS BABY LETS SEE YA SHAKE EM!".
This once again gets the woman pissed-off and she decides that instead of 3 minutes in the freezer, she is going to keep the parrot in for 5 minutes.
Well the parrot has had *lots* of time to think this time, and remorse gives way to desperation, and finally to anger so that the adrenaline will allow him to continue to live.
FINALLY the woman opens the freezer door, takes out the near frozen parrot and asks... "Well, have you learned your lesson?"
The parrot still shivering and barely able to speak says... "AWK... YEAH YEAH SURE SURE, BUT I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION....."
The woman says... "Yes?"
The parrot says "AWK... WHAT DID THE TURKEY DO, ASK FOR A BLOW JOB?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5z78q/a_young_lady_walks_into_a_pet_store_to_buy_a/
%
What do a gastroenterologist and a baker have in common?

They both get to stick their hands in cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5z6zq/what_do_a_gastroenterologist_and_a_baker_have_in/
%
It hurts me to say this but

Cacti are not tasty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5z518/it_hurts_me_to_say_this_but/
%
Having gay parents must be awful!

You either get twice the typical amount of dad jokes, or get stuck in an endless loop of, "Go ask your mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5yy99/having_gay_parents_must_be_awful/
%
A teacher, a lawyer and a priest are on a boat...

The boat hits a rock and starts stinking.
The teacher says "Save the kids!"
The lawyer says "Fuck the kids!"
The priest says "Do you think we'll have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5yxef/a_teacher_a_lawyer_and_a_priest_are_on_a_boat/
%
Me: I was raped in jail mom

.... Dad's taking Monopoly too seriously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5yvdl/me_i_was_raped_in_jail_mom/
%
I’m a virgin but for religious reasons....

...in that god made me very ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5yqgr/im_a_virgin_but_for_religious_reasons/
%
Why didn't the sun go to college?

Because it had a million degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5yl5y/why_didnt_the_sun_go_to_college/
%
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5yf45/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
%
A man was riding his motorcycle in a country area when he saw a chicken runninng along with him

“That’s a fast chicken” he thought to himself
So he sped up to 50 mph, and to his surprise, the chicken was still running along on the sidewalk.
“What? This chicken gotta be kidding me!”
Then he sped up to 100 mph, thinking he finally made the chicken eat his dust, but when he looked at his side, he saw the chicken grow bigger in image on his mirror and simply past him, at 130 mph, vanishing in the distance.
“What the fuck just happened?” The man started to question his own sanity, how was it possible for a chicken to past running a 100 mph motorbike?
Then he saw an old man, sitting under his porch smoking a cigarrete, and asked
“Excuse me sir! I’m afraid I may be going nuts, but you just saw that chicken running faster than my bike, right? Tell me you saw it so I’m not insane!”
“Yeah I saw it kid, and that’s my chicken” The old man replied
“Your chicken? How can it run so fast?” He asked again
“Well, 3 years ago me and my brother genetically designed this special type of chicken, we love chicken drumsticks meat around here, so we created this new special kind of chicken, it has 4 legs, so 4 drumsticks for chicken!”
The man was astonished
“Well sir, that’s crazy! But the meat tastes good? Or the genetic modification affected the flavor?”  He asked
“I don’t know son, didn’t catch  any yet” Replied the old man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ydjk/a_man_was_riding_his_motorcycle_in_a_country_area/
%
How did arti die?

Arti choked
I'm so sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5y7f8/how_did_arti_die/
%
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition

It was paper view

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5y38s/i_went_to_my_kids_school_for_an_art_exhibition/
%
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

he's just going through a rough patch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5xyo2/i_just_saw_a_man_slumped_over_a_lawn_mower_crying/
%
What did the vampire say to the teacher?

See you next period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5xvhd/what_did_the_vampire_say_to_the_teacher/
%
A government agent is responsible for finding an architect to build a tower

So he brings 3 architects, a Chinese, an American and an Iranian. The Chinese architect says I charge 3 Millions, 1.5M for material, 1M for workers and 0.5M as my salary.
He goes to the next one. The American architect says I charge 6 Millions, 3M for material, 2M for workers and 1M as my salary.
Finally he asks the Iranian. The Iranian architect says I charge 9 Millions. The agent asks surprisingly "How come?!"
The Iranian replies: "You take 3M, I take 3M and we pay 3M to the Chinese to build the tower"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5xtmh/a_government_agent_is_responsible_for_finding_an/
%
Two blonde girls were having breakfast.

One of them said "Yesterday I slept with two Brazilian guys!"
The other said "Wow, I don't even think I've seen that many guys!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5xktp/two_blonde_girls_were_having_breakfast/
%
What do you call a computer that sings?

Adele

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5xj99/what_do_you_call_a_computer_that_sings/
%
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.

When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5xh1u/a_husband_and_wife_were_dining_at_a_5star/
%
Knock knock

Person 2: Who’s there?
Person 1: Owls
Person 2: Owls who?
Person 1: yup, they do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5xf2g/knock_knock/
%
Molly had one goal, to become a Saint.

She wanted to be holy Moly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5xcph/molly_had_one_goal_to_become_a_saint/
%
Einstein developed a theory about space.

And boy, it was about time, too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5x95g/einstein_developed_a_theory_about_space/
%
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5x8sm/a_wife_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
%
Two hunters walk into the woods

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5x8bt/two_hunters_walk_into_the_woods/
%
Justice is best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5x7yd/justice_is_best_served_cold/
%
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5x653/north_koreans_believe_they_live_in_the_best/
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NSFW: What did one Tampon say to the other Tampon?

Nothing... They’re both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5x4k8/nsfw_what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
What do you get when a piano falls on top of a minor?

A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5x25u/what_do_you_get_when_a_piano_falls_on_top_of_a/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5x21e/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
As a man, I am really tired of women calling me superficial

Especially since most of those women are fucking ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5wzuz/as_a_man_i_am_really_tired_of_women_calling_me/
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Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?

Because it's assault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5wvuo/did_you_know_that_fighting_increases_your_risk_of/
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It's easy to deter ladies from eating tide pods

It's much more difficult to deter gents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5wqr5/its_easy_to_deter_ladies_from_eating_tide_pods/
%
Ever hear of a camping orgy?

It's fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5wmj3/ever_hear_of_a_camping_orgy/
%
This guy at the bar called me a tool...

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
I guess he was right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5wgwd/this_guy_at_the_bar_called_me_a_tool/
%
What do you call a gay cruise?

A hardship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5wfbf/what_do_you_call_a_gay_cruise/
%
What's the Russian word for a fighter plane?

Jetski

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5w8ku/whats_the_russian_word_for_a_fighter_plane/
%
What do you call security outside a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5w7yt/what_do_you_call_security_outside_a_samsung_store/
%
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5w45y/i_asked_100_women_which_shampoo_they_preferred/
%
What do you call an alligator with a GPS?

A Navi-Gator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5w30m/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_with_a_gps/
%
My wife emailed me pictures of our first date, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I’ve always had trouble with emotional attachments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5vyh2/my_wife_emailed_me_pictures_of_our_first_date_but/
%
Birthday gift mother in law

My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5vrj1/birthday_gift_mother_in_law/
%
Did you know pigeons die after sex?

Well the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5vpej/did_you_know_pigeons_die_after_sex/
%
An entire prison was facing electricity outage for a year.

The inmates were getting very frustrated at the lack of power supply in the prison. No matter what the Jailer tried he couldn't solve the issue.
One day, the jailer realised that there was a thief named Joanna who duped people of their money and who had the reputation of being very smart had been caught and brought into the prison.
So he went to her for advice about how to fix this issue.
She came up with a solution and told the jailer to call every inmate to the common area except an inmate named Ria. She told all of them that over the course of the next one week they all must convince Ria that she had to cut off Joanna's right toe when in fact Joanna had lost the same in an accident the previous year.
A week later, when Joanna was sleeping Ria entered her cell only to realise that Joanna didn't have a right toe.
Suddenly the entire prison got back it's electric supply.
All of them were shocked and went to Joanna for an answer.
She replied saying "My toe conned Ria and hence we got power to the cell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5vkzc/an_entire_prison_was_facing_electricity_outage/
%
Two friends are sitting at a bar

The first man says " I had a Freudian slip at breakfast this morning"
The second asks "What's that?"
"Well it's when you mean to say one thing, but say something totally different, usually sexual. Like this morning, I meant to say, 'Honey, these are the best eggs I've had' but instead I said "Honey, these are the BREAST eggs I've had"
"Ohhhh" says the second man. "The same thing happened to mean today too! I meant to say 'Honey, please pass me a glass'
"Oh no, what did you say?" asked the first
"You fucking bitch, you ruined my life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5vb73/two_friends_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
%
Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5v0bl/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
Tinder is for rookies

Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5uz4k/tinder_is_for_rookies/
%
I'll never forget the last words my grandfather said to me...

"Stop shaking that ladder you little prick!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5uxz1/ill_never_forget_the_last_words_my_grandfather/
%
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am i ?

Ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5uvrg/i_have_3_eyes_2_noses_and_a_mouth_what_am_i/
%
What do you call 2 Crows sitting together?

An Attempted Murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5uuxn/what_do_you_call_2_crows_sitting_together/
%
What kind of artist draws flies?

The dead artist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ujxs/what_kind_of_artist_draws_flies/
%
Three drunk guys stumble upon a magic lamp

Inside, there was a Genie who gives each one of them one wish, anything they want to.
The first guy said "Hic-I want a bottle of beer please", and the first guy got a beer
Second guy said "Give me, hic-one more please", and the second guy got a beer
Lastly, third guy said "Give me, hic-two more please", and the third guy got a tumor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5uhjl/three_drunk_guys_stumble_upon_a_magic_lamp/
%
My girlfriend left a note on my fridge this morning saying "this isn't working, bye"

I opened it up and it was working fine, so I'll just wait till she comes home to ask her what she meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ugf2/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_my_fridge_this/
%
What do you call a cautious wolf?

Awarewolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5u9da/what_do_you_call_a_cautious_wolf/
%
Knock knock

Who's there
Daisy
Daisy who
Daisy me rollin, they hatin..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5u0ys/knock_knock/
%
A wife asks her hard working husband how she can make him happy in bed...

He replies “A few more hours of sleep would be nice.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5u0mt/a_wife_asks_her_hard_working_husband_how_she_can/
%
Do you know what the toughest part about being a gay, black, police officer is?

The discrimination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5tzno/do_you_know_what_the_toughest_part_about_being_a/
%
Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar....

Demerara.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5tpnf/jokes_about_white_sugar_are_rare_jokes_about/
%
What do you call the Greek God of Humour?

Hilarios.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5to2l/what_do_you_call_the_greek_god_of_humour/
%
Did you hear about the Narcissistic Cannibal?

I hear he's pretty full of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5thj0/did_you_hear_about_the_narcissistic_cannibal/
%
A toeless man waddles into a park

And sits next to a man eating a whole block of cheese. He looks at the man and says:
"You goddamn cheese eaters make me fucking sick", the man responds:
"What, you lack toes AND tolerance?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5tcky/a_toeless_man_waddles_into_a_park/
%
If I had a pound for every time you farted...

I'd be stinking rich!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5tbwv/if_i_had_a_pound_for_every_time_you_farted/
%
Went downtown for dinner with my wife last night

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Make America Great Again stickers. We try to have a little fun each day.  It's so important at our age!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5t9fd/went_downtown_for_dinner_with_my_wife_last_night/
%
Little Johnny walk into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog behind him

He walked up to the madam of the house and says “I want a whore.”
The Madam started to protest that he was too young, when he slam down $500 on the table.   Startled, the Madam started to again protest when the boy drop another $500 on top the pile of money and goes,”and the whore has to have gonorrhea!”
The Madam was still hesitant, but greed won out and she proceeded to lead to boy, still dragging his dead frog, into one the back room with a waiting infected hooker.
After awhile the boy comes out with his dead frog in tow.  As he was leaving, the Madam curious, asked him why he wanted sex with a diseased hooker.
Little Johnny stopped and answered, “Well now I am going home and have sex with the babysitter.  Then later on tonight when my Dad take the babysitter home, he'll fuck her, and when my Mom gets home late tonight, my parent will have sex.   Then in the morning, after my Dad leave for work, my mother will then fuck the Milkman.   He's the bastard that ran over my frog!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5t7ht/little_johnny_walk_into_a_whorehouse_dragging_a/
%
President Trump met the Queen of England in her palace

Trump: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?"
The Queen: "Easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron, would you come in here, please?"
David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, ma'am?"  The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"  Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me, ma'am."
"Very good! Thank you, David !" said the Queen.  Then she turned to Trump with a smile and said "See?"
Now its Trump’s turn to apply the same logic....   He went back to the US and asked Mike Pence.. "Mike , answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"  "I'm not sure," said Mike . "Let me get back to you on that one..."  Mike went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer...  Finally, he ran into Obama and asked, "..can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"..  Obama answered, "That's easy, it's me!"..  Pence said, "Thanks!"
Then he went back to Trump. "I did some thinking and I have the answer to that riddle. It's.....Obama..." Trump shouted him...... And told "No!  You dumb idiot! It's David Cameroon!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5t5n4/president_trump_met_the_queen_of_england_in_her/
%
The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he was going to Parcelona. He proceeded to ignore what I believe was my best joke. I probably didn't say it right. The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5sg1h/the_mailman_told_me_hes_off_to_spain_tomorrow/
%
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom
My daughter told me that this morning, I  assume she didn't think of it herself but how old is it?
I laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5sfyd/why_did_the_toilet_paper_roll_down_the_hill/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5s5sd/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It sucks if you have diabetes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5rx1w/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
My Parrot died this morning..

It was a big weight off my shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5rtwh/my_parrot_died_this_morning/
%
I won a doorbell competition even though mine was missing.

They gave me the Nobel prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5rtau/i_won_a_doorbell_competition_even_though_mine_was/
%
My Mother died and left me a giant tub of LEGOs.

I just don’t know what to make of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5rrux/my_mother_died_and_left_me_a_giant_tub_of_legos/
%
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship
I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5rrdf/what_do_you_call_a_boat_full_of_polite_football/
%
what do you call expired chocolate

choco-late

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5rjgv/what_do_you_call_expired_chocolate/
%
A guy goes to the doctor...

He says doc, look... I have a problem with my butt. The doctor says, ok, let's have a look. So the man pulls down his pants and bends over. Good god, your asshole is as big as a pie plate the doctor gasps. I know says the man... I was raped by an elephant. The doctor thinks for a moment and then says, now wait a minute, my friend who works at the zoo, he says that elephant's dicks aren't near that big around. The man, looking down at the floor near tears says, well I didn't want to tell you this doc, but the son of a bitch fingered me first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5re57/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
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What do you call 3 Mexican guys walking through your property?

Tres passing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5rcz0/what_do_you_call_3_mexican_guys_walking_through/
%
What happens when you slap Dwayne Johnson’s butt?

You hit Rock Bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5r6ot/what_happens_when_you_slap_dwayne_johnsons_butt/
%
What do you call getting a hand job in a Volkswagen Beetle?

A Herbie Hancock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5r4u5/what_do_you_call_getting_a_hand_job_in_a/
%
NSFW

So I was going down on my grandmother and I tasted horse cum. Then I had a thought... I wonder if that's how she died?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5qq7x/nsfw/
%
So a general feeling of dread gets invited to a relay race but unfortunately had to decline...

He said "I can't because of miasma"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5qq5o/so_a_general_feeling_of_dread_gets_invited_to_a/
%
NSFW

Standing on office chairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5qlqs/nsfw/
%
Three guys walk into a genie next to a pool.

The genie tells them that the pool will fill up with whatever they yell as they jump in.
The first guy jumps and yells “money!” the pool fills with gold coins and bills.
The second one jumps in and screams “women!” And a bunch of women appear in the pool and eat his ass.
The third one excitedly runs up but trips, “Shit!” He exclaimed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5qlp0/three_guys_walk_into_a_genie_next_to_a_pool/
%
It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:
“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”
The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was having an affair, so I left work early to come home and try to catch her in the act. When I got home, sure as shit there she was, naked on the bed! I looked all over the apartment, but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere. So I went outside on our 25th story balcony, and there he was!! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! So I ran inside, and grabbed my hammer and ran back outside and started smashing his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go, and he fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and using all of my might, I grabbed my refrigerator, picked it up, and threw it over the rail and on top of the guy, crushing and killing him!! But all of the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.”
Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let the poor soul in.
Another man came walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter told this man the same thing—that in order to get in, he was going to have to make Saint Peter laugh. So the second started to tell Saint Peter how he died.
“Oh man, it was awful! I was doing aerobics out on my 26th story balcony of my apartment, when all of a sudden a flock of birds came out of nowhere and started attacking me! I was trying to get away, but I fell over the edge of my railing! However, on my way down I managed to grab the railing of the apartment below mine...but then this maniac suddenly showed up and started smashing my hands and fingers with a hammer until I let go! Fortunately for me, I landed in some bushes, but then some guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!
Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second guy into heaven, and was realizing he has found a way he could really start enjoying his job! About that time, a 3rd man comes walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter gave him the speech about needing to make him laugh, and asks him how he died.
“Oh man, you’re never going to believe this shit! Alright, so picture this—I’m butt naked and hiding in a refrigerator...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5qf8a/its_getting_crowded_in_heaven_so_one_day_saint/
%
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger

And then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5q4me/i_was_wondering_why_the_ball_kept_getting_bigger/
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I applied for a job but my resume stinks...

...so I asked a friend to help me out by pretending to be extremely unqualified so that I would seem like the better candidate. Everyday he walked into the office and applied for the same job under a different name and in a different costume each time. On the first day he went as himself, on the second he went as a woman. On the third he went with a beard, and on the fourth with a mustache and glasses.
Finally, I got a call from the manager. He said, “You’re in luck, I’m giving you the job! Anyone but that lunatic coming in here everyday wearing a different costume.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5q2iu/i_applied_for_a_job_but_my_resume_stinks/
%
Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5q2a1/did_you_know_alligators_can_grow_up_to_15_feet/
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Two old ladies are out side their nursing home smoking cigarettes and having a drink

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely, but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
To which Arlene replies
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5q0zi/two_old_ladies_are_out_side_their_nursing_home/
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How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten-tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5pzad/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_squid/
%
What do otters and Tupperware have in common?

They both enjoy tight seals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5pvjg/what_do_otters_and_tupperware_have_in_common/
%
What did the Machamp say to Machoke?

Machamp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5prnr/what_did_the_machamp_say_to_machoke/
%
I came up with this while cooking dinner and my wife says Im too proud of myself. “What does a gay Raven eat?”

Kaw-KAWK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5pjg9/i_came_up_with_this_while_cooking_dinner_and_my/
%
Sects, Sects, Sects

That's all monks ever think about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5pg7w/sects_sects_sects/
%
I just realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5peve/i_just_realized_that_my_wife_left_me_because_of/
%
An elderly man was driving his Buick down the freeway when his cell phone rang.

Upon answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ”Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going to wrong way on 280! Please be careful!”
Herman Replies, ”It’s not just one car, it’s hundreds of them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5paw3/an_elderly_man_was_driving_his_buick_down_the/
%
What do you call a potato that wears glasses ?

A spec-tater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5p8mw/what_do_you_call_a_potato_that_wears_glasses/
%
My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working so I threw it into the lake.

Now it’s syncing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5p7wl/my_bluetooth_speaker_wasnt_working_so_i_threw_it/
%
How do mute girls masturbate?

Do they use one hand for pleasure and one to moan?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5p5ca/how_do_mute_girls_masturbate/
%
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we’d all be in Heaven

They’d have spared the apple and feasted on the snake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5p4ky/if_adam_and_eve_were_chinese_wed_all_be_in_heaven/
%
On the front of the toothpaste packaging it said: "For Amazingly Sparkling Teeth!"

"I better not buy it, then," I thought, "because mine are rancid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5oyxp/on_the_front_of_the_toothpaste_packaging_it_said/
%
Why was Ash Ketchum arrested for voyeurism?

Because he had a Pikachu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ot85/why_was_ash_ketchum_arrested_for_voyeurism/
%
How I Learned To Mind My Own Business

I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were shouting “13...13...13.”
The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting “14...14...14.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ossm/how_i_learned_to_mind_my_own_business/
%
I used to be a man trapped in a womans body

I came out after 9 months
. . .
8 lb 6 oz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ornr/i_used_to_be_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
%
A man, a woman, and a skunk.

A husband and wife were returning from visiting relatives out in the country one cold and wintery night, when they came upon an adolescent skunk that appeared injured in the road.
The wife insisted that they stop and render aid to the skunk.
Against his wishes the husband stops and picks the skunk up and brings it into the car.
The wife exclaims that the skunk is freezing cold and is possibly suffering from hypothermia, to which the husband says “put it up under your dress between your legs to warm it up.”
The wife asks “what about the smell?”
To which the husbands says “just hold its little nose!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5oqqh/a_man_a_woman_and_a_skunk/
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Sorry i sprayed that WD40 in your mouth...

But it DID stop that noise that you were making.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ongb/sorry_i_sprayed_that_wd40_in_your_mouth/
%
Did you hear about that zoo in Malta with only one animal?

It’s a Maltese Shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5om6l/did_you_hear_about_that_zoo_in_malta_with_only/
%
Hey girl are you a nucleus?

Because I wanna store my DNA in you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5olfu/hey_girl_are_you_a_nucleus/
%
How come crows never get hit by cars?

Their friends are all up on the power lines yelling "caw caw!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ok71/how_come_crows_never_get_hit_by_cars/
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Hey girl, are you a Communist?

Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ojti/hey_girl_are_you_a_communist/
%
Q: You are in Spanish Inn and hear a knock on the door, who do you expect?

You: The Spanish Inquisition?
A: It’s Room Service. How could you get that wrong, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ojk4/q_you_are_in_spanish_inn_and_hear_a_knock_on_the/
%
I was scared to move to Alaska after I heard that the sun doesn’t shine.

And then, it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5oibc/i_was_scared_to_move_to_alaska_after_i_heard_that/
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There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats.

Every patient that's made it there has flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5of3p/theres_a_doctors_surgery_in_my_town_that_is/
%
Soo I figured out how to solve antivaxers...

Just tell them that water is a vaccine for dehydration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5oewi/soo_i_figured_out_how_to_solve_antivaxers/
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What’s the most popular breakfast in Chernobyl?

Eggs Quarantine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5o6tc/whats_the_most_popular_breakfast_in_chernobyl/
%
My wife only lets me have sex doggie-style.......

I have to sit up and beg while she rolls over and plays dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5o4xr/my_wife_only_lets_me_have_sex_doggiestyle/
%
Octopus : [holding a gun in each hand]

Cat : You're one short buddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5o4h7/octopus_holding_a_gun_in_each_hand/
%
When someone close to you dies...

Move seats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5o03t/when_someone_close_to_you_dies/
%
Why Can't Cats Go To Space?

They're afraid of the vacuum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5nq88/why_cant_cats_go_to_space/
%
Your momma so ugly

I use my ass to unlock her phone with Face ID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5nprz/your_momma_so_ugly/
%
My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ngfc/my_sons_kindergarten_teacher_was_arrested_for/
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I know this is r/Jokes but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5nect/i_know_this_is_rjokes_but_on_a_serious_note_i/
%
Five years ago I asked the girl of my dreams to go on a date with me. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5n67y/five_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_to/
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Two nuns are riding their bikes to church

The one nun says to the other "I dont beleive I've ever came this way". To which the other nun replies "oh dear sister, it's the cobblestones "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5mu1z/two_nuns_are_riding_their_bikes_to_church/
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What is an English teacher's favourite tree?

Poetry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5mtlq/what_is_an_english_teachers_favourite_tree/
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I saw a transvestite prostitute wearing a mini skirt the other day and thought,

That shows a lot of balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5mmpx/i_saw_a_transvestite_prostitute_wearing_a_mini/
%
My dog is so pretentious that...

... he only drinks Eau de Toilette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5mkyi/my_dog_is_so_pretentious_that/
%
An old farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery...

... and is being interviewed. The reporter asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oh, I reckon the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills."
"And what about the rest?" the reporter continued.
The farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5mkai/an_old_farmer_wins_the_ten_million_dollar_lottery/
%
blonde goes to the doctor

A blonde goes to the doctor saying everywhere she touches, there is terrible pain. The Doctor asks her to poke different spots on her body and explain the sensation. Everywhere she pokes, she says "OUCH, IT HURTS SO BAD!"
The Doc gives in and gives her an X-ray to try and pinpoint the cause for concern. He comes back in the room and says...
Ma'am, you have a broken finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5mbwr/blonde_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
I knew this lightbulb that was in a really toxic relationship with her boyfriend. They kept breaking up and getting back together again. It happened dozens of times before I finally told her-

“You really need to get out of this on-off relationship.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5m3n5/i_knew_this_lightbulb_that_was_in_a_really_toxic/
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What do you call it when two Catholics have sex?

A Holy Fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5m2ep/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_catholics_have_sex/
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What do you call a feud between two of Genghis Khan’s generals?

Mongolian beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5m0or/what_do_you_call_a_feud_between_two_of_genghis/
%
My 11yo: " How did Freddie Mercury die?"

"He bit the dust."
#
I don't care what you think. That was dad-joke levels of funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5lvpy/my_11yo_how_did_freddie_mercury_die/
%
The Whales

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5luu7/the_whales/
%
Today I finally admitted to my wife that I was seeing a therapist.

She then admitted that she was also seeing a therapist, two plumbers, and a lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5lqi7/today_i_finally_admitted_to_my_wife_that_i_was/
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Dad Joke

God, i hate Russian dolls they are so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5lp97/dad_joke/
%
The Ugly Man

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar.
He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'
'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5lfwu/the_ugly_man/
%
I wanted to try and use Beef Stew for my Facebook password...

But it wasn't Stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5lcii/i_wanted_to_try_and_use_beef_stew_for_my_facebook/
%
A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time. Finally the last one is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it about 10 feet, walks up and whiffs one swing at it and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet. She walks back to her bag, selects a different club, walks back to the ball and hacks it another 5 feet. She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those f---ing lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "Well there you have it lady. You should have taken golf lessons instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5l6zm/a_foursome_is_waiting_on_the_mens_tee_while/
%
What did the psychiatrist say to the man who showed up wearing nothing but Saran Wrap?

“Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5l6yq/what_did_the_psychiatrist_say_to_the_man_who/
%
Why is it so hot in New Orleans right now?

There’s no Brees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5l56x/why_is_it_so_hot_in_new_orleans_right_now/
%
What did the lazy dentist say to his patient with crooked teeth?

Brace yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5l543/what_did_the_lazy_dentist_say_to_his_patient_with/
%
Mr. Smith

climbed to the top of  Mt.  Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asked the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replied, "A minute."
Smith asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replied, "A penny."
Smith asked, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replied, "In a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5l4u3/mr_smith/
%
A set of jumper cables walks into a bar...

The bartender looks at them warily and says:
Okay,okay,I'll serve you...but don't start anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5l18h/a_set_of_jumper_cables_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A male and female whale were swimming...

...off the coast of Japan when they noticed a
whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the
same ship that had harpooned his father many
years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets
both swim under the ship and blow out of our air
holes at the same time and it should cause the
ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure
enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had
jumped overboard and were swimming to the
safety of shore. The male was enraged that they
were going to get away and told the female, "Let's
swim after them and gobble them up before they
reach the shore." At this point, he realized the
female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job,
but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5kxhu/a_male_and_female_whale_were_swimming/
%
What did the tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing- they were both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5kwnb/what_did_the_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
Masturbating is a lot like ramen noodles

When you chose to do it, it’s fantastic. When you HAVE to do it, it sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5kugq/masturbating_is_a_lot_like_ramen_noodles/
%
Love Story

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ksni/love_story/
%
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?

Some day my prints will come...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5kic2/what_did_snow_white_say_when_she_came_out_of_the/
%
Wife: where did you put the flowers

me: in the door
wife: what? how?
me: relax, it's easy cause the door is a jar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5kbyh/wife_where_did_you_put_the_flowers/
%
Read an article last week that said women aren’t getting married because there’s less “economically attractive” men...

...so we’ve finally reached equal pay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5k9ti/read_an_article_last_week_that_said_women_arent/
%
I had to Repost.

Since some dick crashed into my fence last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5k279/i_had_to_repost/
%
What's the difference between the Hells Angel's and a pack of (bi)cyclists?

One is a lawless gang of thugs, and the other's the Hells Angels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5k09p/whats_the_difference_between_the_hells_angels_and/
%
Two flies are sitting on a turd...

....one fly farts, and the other fly says "eww gross, I'm trying to eat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5jzox/two_flies_are_sitting_on_a_turd/
%
How does a blind person know when to stop wiping

***T A S T E***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5jz65/how_does_a_blind_person_know_when_to_stop_wiping/
%
Why did princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5jy24/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
I sexually identify as Micheal Jackson

My pronouns are he/he

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5jqrl/i_sexually_identify_as_micheal_jackson/
%
I’m in my 40s, but I think I can finally afford to retire

Should I go with Firestone or Michelins?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5jp4v/im_in_my_40s_but_i_think_i_can_finally_afford_to/
%
Why don’t strings ever win a race against each other?

They always tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5jc4w/why_dont_strings_ever_win_a_race_against_each/
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A Man Buys a New Corvette

While driving it off the lot he decides to take it on the highway and really open things up. He hits the speed limit of 70MPH and continues to accelerate. 75MPH... 80MPH.... and out of nowhere a siren and the flashing lights of a patrol car come into view of his rear-view mirror. Thinking his new car could easily outrun the police, he speeds up further until he's going well over 120MPH but the cop is still in pursuit. Realizing how stupid he is being, he slows down and pulls over.
The cop pulls behind him, gets out and storms over to the car. The man is so distraught and apologizes profusely and explains that he had just bought the car and made the dumbest mistake of his life. Feeling pity, and it being at the end of his shift, the cop says that if the man can make him laugh, he'll let him go without reprimand.
Thinking for a moment, he responds: "Well sir, about a week ago, my wife left me for a Sheriff and I thought you were trying to bring her back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5jama/a_man_buys_a_new_corvette/
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What thing, beginning with "R" am I terrible at?

Spelling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5izeh/what_thing_beginning_with_r_am_i_terrible_at/
%
Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5iu4s/four_worms_were_placed_in_four_separate_test/
%
How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5iodo/how_do_you_make_5_lbs_of_fat_look_good/
%
Read on:

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. "Oh my, I am so sorry," she says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can't believe his luck. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
The woman replies: No, you just happened to catch my eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5igyc/read_on/
%
The world is flat...

"The world is flat" said the boy to his girlfriend.
"Don't be stupid, the world is round" said the girl.
The boy replies "But, honey, you are my world".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5iev3/the_world_is_flat/
%
The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ieex/the_government_offered_to_buy_my_guns_from_me/
%
What is it called when a robot eats a sandwich in one chomp?

A megabyte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5icu1/what_is_it_called_when_a_robot_eats_a_sandwich_in/
%
Orphanages are kind of like animal shelters for children

Though, I wish my parents would stop introducing me as their "rescue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5i529/orphanages_are_kind_of_like_animal_shelters_for/
%
What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu

Raichu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5i0yd/what_did_raichu_say_when_it_saw_pikachu/
%
Ever heard the one of the idiot perched on a tree?

>!Come down so I can tell you it.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5hrih/ever_heard_the_one_of_the_idiot_perched_on_a_tree/
%
So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick...

She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.
In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5hdaq/so_apparently_julie_andrews_best_known_for/
%
What's the difference between a bad sniper, and a constipated owl?

One can't shoot and hit, and the other can't hoot and shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5hcjb/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_sniper_and_a/
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If Americans storm Area 51, Europeans should storm the Vatican

They can get the aliens, we'll get the predators.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5hcdp/if_americans_storm_area_51_europeans_should_storm/
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you.I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5h63g/a_man_boarded_an_airplane_and_took_his_seat/
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“I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.” Said my neighbor Mike.

Mike: “For example, do you know who Euclid is?”
Me: “No.”
Mike: “He is the father of geometry. If you take night courses you would know this.”
The next day the same discussion took place:
Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?”
Me: “No.”
Mike: “He is the author of The 3 Musketeers. If you took night courses you would know this.”
Now this time I got irritated and said, “And do you know who Steven Turner is?”
Mike: “No.”
Me: “He is the guy sleeping with your wife! If you stopped night duties you would know this!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5h5z9/ive_been_taking_night_courses_for_five_months_now/
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I just started dating a male pornstar

On our first time together I asked him to go easy,
He said "don't worry I'll just give you a pro tip"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5h551/i_just_started_dating_a_male_pornstar/
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How to fall down the stairs

Step 1
Step 2
Step 5
Step17
Step25
Step 39

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5h4i7/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
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Al Gore was tapping his foot while waiting impatiently for an elevator. The man standing next to him said: "Nice Algorithm!"

Al Gore responded: Al Gore take the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5h2pb/al_gore_was_tapping_his_foot_while_waiting/
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If there's a new moon

Then where does the old one go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5gzab/if_theres_a_new_moon/
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"My grandfather knew the exact details of when and how he was going to die."

"Wow! How'd he know?"
"The judge told him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5gyod/my_grandfather_knew_the_exact_details_of_when_and/
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The fighting needs to stop

An archaeologist and 2 historians  are sitting next to each other on a plane. The archaeologist took off his shoes. One of the historians asks the archaeologist to get him a coke. He says yes and when he gets up the historian spits in his shoe. When the archaeologist got back the other historian asked for a coke. When the archaeologist left again the other historian spit in his other shoe. When the plane landed the archaeologist put on his shoes and realized what happened and says. The fighting between our professions has to stop. The spitting in shoes the cumming in cokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5gvak/the_fighting_needs_to_stop/
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Someone broke into my garage last night and stole my limbo stick

Seriously. How low can some people go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5gv46/someone_broke_into_my_garage_last_night_and_stole/
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Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.
One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress. However, they disagreed on one thing. Lucy liked big parties with lots of guests, while cindy liked more intimate gathering with fewer guests. So they compromised: cindy would throw a party for only senators, and lucy would throw one for the members of the house of representatives.
The parties were a hit! And every year after that, they threw excellent parties with the same arrangement. Senators would gush over cindy's private affair, while lucy threw ragers for the house.
In their old age, as luck would have it, they were both on their deathbed at the same time. Lucy asked Cindy if she believed in reincarnation. "Yes, I do in fact" Cindy responded. Lucy proposed that on July 4th, fifteen years from then, they should meet on the capitol steps and reminisce about old time.
Lucy was re-born to a wealthy family, and lived a privileged life. On July 4th of her fifteenth year, she walked up the capitol steps, where she accidentally stepped on an ant. She waited for hours for cindy, when she realized in horror that cindy must have been the ant! Lucy felt confused and horrible.
Distraught, she went to the nearest buddhist temple and told the monk their about their similar lives and their careers. When she started explaining how she would throw parties for house members, and cindy for senators, the monk stopped her.
"You said she just threw parties for senators--no house members allowed?" the monk asked.
"Yes, that is correct. Why does that explain why I was reincarnated in such a good life while cindy became a lowly bug?"
The monk answered, "you see, only rep hosts get good karma"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5gu1j/cindy_and_lucy_were_to_highpowered_dc_lawyers/
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A man goes to Spain

He arrives, and of course, the first thing he has to go see is the daily bull fight.
The match is drawn out, a banderillero is gored, but eventually the bull is subdued and the matador emerges victorious.
The man is famished at this point, and so, entranced by the fight, he finds his way to the Torero, a bullfight themed restaurant near the arena.
“I’ll have what they’re having” the man says to the cashier, beckoning towards a couple sharing a plate with two giant meatballs. The cashier laughs and says, “come back tomorrow, we just ran out.”
The man watches the bull fights the next day, again witnessing a victory over the bull. This time, he rushes out of the stadium to get to the Torero and he asks the cashier, again, for the giant meatballs. “Sorry, last order just got served,” the cashier says, “but if you get here early tomorrow i’ll save it for you.”
At this point, the man is determined to try this dish. Having seen 2 bullfights already, he decides to skip them and go straight to the Torero the next day. He waits forever after ordering, and finally, his food comes out. His plate has two tiny meatballs on it. “Hey, I ordered the giant meatballs.” complains the man.
The cashier looks at him and says, “Well you see, the bull doesn’t always lose.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5gqw1/a_man_goes_to_spain/
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My ex, Alexandra, was doing a crossword.

"I need your help," she said, scanning the clue. "The form of a language that people speak...eight letters..."
I said, "Dialects."
She said, "That's mean, and I prefer it when you call me by my full name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5gp56/my_ex_alexandra_was_doing_a_crossword/
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A cannibal who fried another mans testicles was convicted of trying to bribe members of the jury

They didnt accept his teste-money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5goj0/a_cannibal_who_fried_another_mans_testicles_was/
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Two kids are best friends

Two best friends, a boy and a girl come to their teacher and ask her
Can children our age have kids?
No never! Go back  and do your work. You shouldn't be thinking about it!
The boy turns to the girl and says,
You see! I told you not to worry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5gog1/two_kids_are_best_friends/
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What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

A pick pocket snatches watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5gh35/whats_the_difference_between_a_pick_pocket_and_a/
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together!
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.
Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”
“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.
Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with those two assholes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5gcy0/bubba_died_in_a_fire_and_his_body_was_burned/
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Long, but worth it.(?)

Two hunters were walking around a farmer's property looking for game when they came across a very large, seemingly bottomless hole in the ground.
'How deep you think it is?'
'I dunno, let's chuck something in'
They look around for some big enough to make a decent sound when it hit the bottom, but there wasn't much around. Then one spots an engine block from a small car.
After a bit of a struggle they manage to tip it over the edge. They lean over the hole and listen.
A moment later, a goat comes flying out of the scrub, runs between the two men and dives head first straight into the hole.
The hunters are shocked, to say the least, and begin to ponder why.
Soon after the farmer comes by, and the men begin to tell him about the goat running and diving into the hole.
'Not likely boys, I had him chained to an engine block'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5gahe/long_but_worth_it/
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I’ve never understood why so many rich parents buy second hand Ferraris for their spoilt children

Why would you want two things that are twenty years old and don’t work?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5g2b8/ive_never_understood_why_so_many_rich_parents_buy/
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For Sale : George Foreman Grill and Muhammad Ali dvds...

Both Boxed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5g1sp/for_sale_george_foreman_grill_and_muhammad_ali/
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My sister has hay fever.

She was also recently diagnosed with diabetes. I tried to cheer her up, you know, flowers, chocolates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5g0sv/my_sister_has_hay_fever/
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For a dollar, a change-maker will get you four quarters, or ten dimes, or twenty nickels...

That makes cents, right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5fq5v/for_a_dollar_a_changemaker_will_get_you_four/
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A man walks into a bar in outback Australia and there is a huge crocodile in the middle of the floor

He moves to the bar and asks the barman if it's safe to have the crocodile in the bar and the barman assures him it's safe and wouldn't hurt anyone. The guy is unsure and so the barman goes watch this and he opens the crocodiles mouth and puts his arm in, the croc doesn't move. The guys is still not convinced so the barman gets a softball bat and smacks the croc over its head, the croc doesn't budge. he then whips out his dick and sticks it in the crocs mouth and once again whacks it over the head with the bat, the croc doesn't move an inch. He then offers "does anyone else want to try" and old lady got up and came forward and said "OK I will give it a try, but just don't hit me real hard with the bat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5fpxr/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_in_outback_australia_and/
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I had a dream I was drowning in orange soda.

Turns out it was just a fanta sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5fnxp/i_had_a_dream_i_was_drowning_in_orange_soda/
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Just got home and realised Staples had sold me a packet of cardboard instead of paper.

I’m writing them a stiff letter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5fm0j/just_got_home_and_realised_staples_had_sold_me_a/
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I saw an attractive man spank his child after the child threw his fries

I then saw an old lady walk up to them and drop her fries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5fijz/i_saw_an_attractive_man_spank_his_child_after_the/
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I’m reading a book that tries to compare different versions of The Bible.

There is a lot of cross referencing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5fg8b/im_reading_a_book_that_tries_to_compare_different/
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When space travel is affordable I will leave the Milky Way galaxy and move to the Soy Milky Way.

You could say that I'm galactose intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5fb3h/when_space_travel_is_affordable_i_will_leave_the/
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My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5f982/my_wife_was_standing_in_the_kitchen_preparing_our/
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i just helped my uncle jack off a horse.

I just helped my Uncle Jack off a horse.
Capitalisation matters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5f8nc/i_just_helped_my_uncle_jack_off_a_horse/
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Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…

a friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman’s husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5f5x5/condoms_dont_guarantee_safe_sex_anymore/
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Women will call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

After that, they’ll call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5f012/women_will_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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My wife said there’s no way in hell she’d ever allow me do doggie style.

but I did it behind her back anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5esz1/my_wife_said_theres_no_way_in_hell_shed_ever/
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“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ekde/poor_old_fool_thought_the_welldressed_gentleman/
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What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ejqq/what_do_a_woman_and_a_bar_have_in_common/
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A clown opened the door for me today.

It was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ecgn/a_clown_opened_the_door_for_me_today/
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A man hosts a dress-up party, where the theme is you have to come dressed as a mood...

...on the night of the party, the man is at the front door greeting his guests and asking them what mood they were dressed as.
A couple of women arrived all dressed in green saying "we're green with envy".
A trio of men turned up dressed in red saying "we're red with rage".
More guests began arrive, all with similar explanations of what mood they were supposed to be dressed as. Pretty soon a couple of Indian men showed up at the door, fully naked. One of them had hollowed out a pear and jammed it on the end of his dick, and the other had his dick in a carton of custard.
The man was pretty dumbstruck. He had no idea who they were, why they were here or why on earth they were  naked. Lost for words, he said "hiya fellas, what are you dressed as?"
And one of the men responded and said "well my friend is in dispare and I'm fuckin' disgusted".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5e91r/a_man_hosts_a_dressup_party_where_the_theme_is/
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Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?

Luckily im in the other 5%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5e8tx/did_you_know_that_97_of_the_world_is_stupid/
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What do clouds wear under their shorts

Thunderpants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5e8so/what_do_clouds_wear_under_their_shorts/
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A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.
Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck, and beat her.
Domestic violins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5e60t/a_banjo_asked_a_fiddle_to_marry_him_dont_frett_he/
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A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the fact that Spirit Eagle was standing, fully nude, in the centre with his arms outstretched and hands together above his head. Apparently, Spirit Eagle had been like this all day and was refusing to eat, drink or move. The psychiatrist approached Spirit Eagle and asked what he was doing to which Spirit Eagle responded “I am teepee”. Confused the psychiatrist asked if Spirit Eagle would at least drink some water but only got the same “I am teepee” response. Concerned but lost on what to do the psychiatrist informed the mother he’d be back the next day and that she should let him know if anything changes that night. Around 1 am the psychiatrist is woken by a frantic call from the mother saying Spirit Eagle had moved. Racing to the house the psychiatrist entered Spirit Eagle’s room to find he was now standing in the exact same spot only he had lowered he’s arms to shoulder height and bent them to form an arch of sorts. Intrigued the psychiatrist then asked Spirit Eagle what he was doing to which Spirit Eagle responded “I am wigwam”. Once again confused and concerned the psychiatrist promises Spirit Eagle’s mother that he will figure out what’s wrong and cure Spirit Eagle. As such over the span of a month the doctor begins investigating First Nation’s culture through books and living with tribes. He spends hours combing through records of similar cases trying to find an answer. All the while Spirit Eagle is switching between his two poses every day. After a month of almost constant research the psychiatrist returns to the home. He locks himself in Spirit Eagle’s room and after hours of work opens the door to reveal Spirit Eagle dressed and sleeping in a normal position in bed. The mother thanks the psychiatrist endlessly for many minutes while the psychiatrist being the humble man he is deflects the thanks only wishing he had figured out the cause of Spirit Eagle’s condition much sooner. The mother then asks what the problem with her son was to which the psychiatrist responds “Well I’m not sure exactly why, but it seems that your son was just two tents”
(Sorry for the length and horrible payoff. My dad tells this joke all the time and makes it ever longer so I thought I’d keep that tradition)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5du26/a_psychiatrist_arrives_for_a_house_call_and_is/
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Just went to an emotional wedding.

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5dtts/just_went_to_an_emotional_wedding/
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I can’t remember how to write 1,1000,51,6 and 500 in Roman numerals...

IM LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5dts2/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_11000516_and_500_in/
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What do you call dangerous precipitation?

A rain of terror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5dsru/what_do_you_call_dangerous_precipitation/
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Magician: For my next trick I am going to disappear.

Magician: Screw you pear! No one likes you and you taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5dr5g/magician_for_my_next_trick_i_am_going_to_disappear/
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I told her I had lightning quick reflexes...

Sounds better than premature ejaculator...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5djag/i_told_her_i_had_lightning_quick_reflexes/
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What do you call it when Eminem paints a picture?

Marshall Arts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5dgcn/what_do_you_call_it_when_eminem_paints_a_picture/
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Where do Martians drink beer?

At a Mars Bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5dfb2/where_do_martians_drink_beer/
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My mom says that everyone has a beautiful side to them

So, I guess I am just a circle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ddge/my_mom_says_that_everyone_has_a_beautiful_side_to/
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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane...

Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know SHIT?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5d0r2/a_guy_was_seated_next_to_a_10yearold_girl_on_an/
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Why did the bear refuse the magicians offer to make him human?

Being someone else would've been unbearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5cx5i/why_did_the_bear_refuse_the_magicians_offer_to/
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First guy, proudly: "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "Lucky you, mine's still alive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5cv7v/first_guy_proudly_my_wifes_an_angel/
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I think it's really shameful how people criticize Lance Armstrong for taking drugs, the man won 7 Tour De France's on them.

When I'm on drugs, I can't even *find* my bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5cmk0/i_think_its_really_shameful_how_people_criticize/
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How did one O greet the other O?

Ohayo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ckt5/how_did_one_o_greet_the_other_o/
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What is the only thing a flat-earther truly fears?

It's sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5c8o5/what_is_the_only_thing_a_flatearther_truly_fears/
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I have a friend named Jo.

He told me he would change his last name.
He came back, and I thought he was kidding, but he certainly wasn't Jo King when he said that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5c8de/i_have_a_friend_named_jo/
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The bank president's balls.

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?'' "Sure!' replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5c82y/the_bank_presidents_balls/
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5 year old son, after reading story of a king...

Son:......Mom, I also want 5 wifes.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......
Mom:....And one will put you to sleep
Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son!
Mom:...but who will sleep with your 5 wifes
Son...Let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5c28i/5_year_old_son_after_reading_story_of_a_king/
%
WHAT DO WE WANT?

SODIUM HYDROXIDE!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NaOH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5c0br/what_do_we_want/
%
A local dentist was just arrested for dealing drugs.

To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I’ve been going to him for ten years and never knew he was a dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5bzh7/a_local_dentist_was_just_arrested_for_dealing/
%
Why do the ninja turtles make terrible office mates?

They always destroy the shredder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5bx46/why_do_the_ninja_turtles_make_terrible_office/
%
A lot of people are afraid of heights.

Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5bth0/a_lot_of_people_are_afraid_of_heights/
%
What do you say an alcoholic jerk named Ted?

You're a dick Ted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5bqfr/what_do_you_say_an_alcoholic_jerk_named_ted/
%
A teacher asked the kids what sounds they heard on the field trip to the farm...

Bobby said, "MOO!!!"
Lisa said "OINK"
Tommy said "GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5bodx/a_teacher_asked_the_kids_what_sounds_they_heard/
%
How do you summon a daemon?

$ sudo launchctl load -w /System/Library/LaunchDaemons/ssh.plist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5bo9z/how_do_you_summon_a_daemon/
%
“Hey Watson, is that mud on your shoes?”

“No, shit Sherlock.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5bfcx/hey_watson_is_that_mud_on_your_shoes/
%
The only vacuum I use is the one made specifically for made for antivax parents...

Dyson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5b1q0/the_only_vacuum_i_use_is_the_one_made/
%
What do you call a constipated detective?

No shit, Sherlock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5b1pm/what_do_you_call_a_constipated_detective/
%
How many Greeks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Olive them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5attk/how_many_greeks_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I made an inappropriate joke about water.

It was clearly tasteless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5atjw/i_made_an_inappropriate_joke_about_water/
%
A blonde is on her way to Michigan...(Medium joke)

The flight attendant notices her sitting in first class sit, to which she doesn't belong. She asks the blonde to please move to her seat in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I deserve to sit where I want!"
The flight attendent goes to the co pilot and asks him to relocate the woman. He approaches her and demands that she move to her seat in economy. She responds again with, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I deserve to sit where I want!"
The co pilot tells the pilot and the pilot reassures him that he's married to a blonde, and can get her to move. The pilot leaves for a few moments and returns to his seat. The co pilot asks, "Well, did she move?" The pilot responds with, "Of course!" The co pilot asks, "What did you say to her?"
The pilot responds, "I told her first class wasn't going to Michigan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5asxq/a_blonde_is_on_her_way_to_michiganmedium_joke/
%
What does Ikea and Hong Kong have in common?

No peaceful assembly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5as09/what_does_ikea_and_hong_kong_have_in_common/
%
What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates

A tear-jerker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5ap8g/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_cries_while_he/
%
Boris Johnson walks into a Bank

He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?
BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.
Cashier: Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.
BJ: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.
Cashier: I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.
BJ: Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.
Cashier: Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a fucking donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."
Cashier: That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5amhu/boris_johnson_walks_into_a_bank/
%
Back in my day, I used to be able to go to the store with $1 and get 2 sodas, 3 chips, and a chocolate bar...

Nowadays there are CCTV cameras everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5agf5/back_in_my_day_i_used_to_be_able_to_go_to_the/
%
A girl walks into a bar and orders a double entendre..

So the bartender gave her one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5agbw/a_girl_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_double/
%
As I shake the 8 ball I ask it, "Is the party tonight going to be amazing?"

8 Ball: "I'm a pile of cocaine what the hell do you think? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5add6/as_i_shake_the_8_ball_i_ask_it_is_the_party/
%
What dictator is a paradox?

Stalin, because he's Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5a0nr/what_dictator_is_a_paradox/
%
I feel like The Mandela Effect used to be called something else.

But I can't remember what.
Which is why I still refer to it as The Mandela Effect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5a0c7/i_feel_like_the_mandela_effect_used_to_be_called/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d59t6t/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
Honda vs Harley

A 10-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a big-old
motorcycle pulls up beside her and says, "Hey little girl, do you want to go
for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says, "Hey kid, I will give
you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, I
will give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back of my bike
for a ride."
At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad,
YOU bought a Honda instead of a Harley, so, YOU ride it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d59svh/honda_vs_harley/
%
My friend was bragging that he can print a gun using his 3-D Printer, but I wasn’t impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d59s1k/my_friend_was_bragging_that_he_can_print_a_gun/
%
What did Pythagorus use to kill himself?

A hypotenoose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d59p8u/what_did_pythagorus_use_to_kill_himself/
%
It all

The title says it all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d59own/it_all/
%
A Mom brings her son to the doctor because of his diet

Mom: please help doctor. He’s such a picky eater!
Doctor: what are his favorite foods?
Mom: he only eats one thing: rump roast steak between two sesame buns
The doctor pauses to think then says, “Yes I’ve seen this before...sounds like Ass Burgers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d59m73/a_mom_brings_her_son_to_the_doctor_because_of_his/
%
What do you call an introverted seabird?

Auk-ward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d59h8k/what_do_you_call_an_introverted_seabird/
%
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner...

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d59c1m/my_wife_asked_if_she_could_have_a_little_peace/
%
My sexual stamina is a lot like that old blink-182 song...

Life is too short to last long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d59ag6/my_sexual_stamina_is_a_lot_like_that_old_blink182/
%
My wife was super angry when she caught me watching porn. She said it degrades women.

Jokes on her. The porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d596fu/my_wife_was_super_angry_when_she_caught_me/
%
Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue.

I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5910x/today_my_son_came_to_me_and_gave_me_a_hug_out_of/
%
Two blondes are walking down either side of a river...

One hollers over to the other, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"
The other one yells back, "You are on the other side of the river!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d58zao/two_blondes_are_walking_down_either_side_of_a/
%
"Dad why did you and mom name my sister Rose?"

Dad:  "because your mother loves Roses"
Son:  "oh, ok, thanks Dad"
Dad:  "No problem Costco Hotdog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d58uu3/dad_why_did_you_and_mom_name_my_sister_rose/
%
This simple test revealed if people were able to resist clickbait or not.

You failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d58smt/this_simple_test_revealed_if_people_were_able_to/
%
How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d58ryk/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
%
A guy was taking skydiving lessons ...

If we jump and the chute doesn’t open
And the reserve doesn’t open...
How long before we we hit the ground?
The Instructor immediately answered..
The rest of your life!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d58pru/a_guy_was_taking_skydiving_lessons/
%
What did the hungry twin embryos say to their mother?

Fetus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d58et9/what_did_the_hungry_twin_embryos_say_to_their/
%
I'm what you would call an anti-social extrovert.

That may sound like a contradiction, but it basically means that being alone makes me what to kill myself and I love it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d586jt/im_what_you_would_call_an_antisocial_extrovert/
%
- Tell me, Rabbi, can a Jew look at women in bikinis?

I'm leaving for a vacation tomorrow, and surely there will be lots of girls in bikinis on the shore...
\- Oh, nothing wrong with that.
\- I'm a bit worried about looking at women other than my wife. And if they'll be topless? Can I look at them?
\- Yes, you can.
\- But what if... What if they will be completely naked? Can I still look?
\- You can.
\- Oh... Tell me then, is there something that a Jew should not look at?
\- I don't know, a welding arc?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d586e5/tell_me_rabbi_can_a_jew_look_at_women_in_bikinis/
%
Iron deficiency gang rise up!

Then take a few moments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d582r0/iron_deficiency_gang_rise_up/
%
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven had a serious drinking problem and was extremely abusive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d582oc/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
I found Einstein's original research notes about anti-gravity.

I just couldn't put them down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d57x2i/i_found_einsteins_original_research_notes_about/
%
What is a bean that is outdated?

A has-bean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d57qkz/what_is_a_bean_that_is_outdated/
%
When chemists die...

they barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d57noy/when_chemists_die/
%
If topography was converted to a line graph.

Then America peaked somewhere around the Rockies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d57n1p/if_topography_was_converted_to_a_line_graph/
%
A guy walks into a costume party wearing nothing buy a pair of blue jeans

The host comes up to him and asks, "What are you supposed to be?"
"I'm a premature ejaculation," he responds.
"I don't understand."
"Oh, I just came in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d57kqb/a_guy_walks_into_a_costume_party_wearing_nothing/
%
How did the medics know that Princess Diane had dandruff?

Because they found her head and shoulders in the front seat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d57iqk/how_did_the_medics_know_that_princess_diane_had/
%
A shipment of Viagra was stolen last night

Cops are looking for a group of hardened criminals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d57idh/a_shipment_of_viagra_was_stolen_last_night/
%
After trying and failing to agree on what to watch on TV, my wife threw her hands up in exasperation. "Do we even have anything in common?" she asked.

I responded. "Well, neither of us ever get blowjobs. Does that count?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d57grm/after_trying_and_failing_to_agree_on_what_to/
%
I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d57dbw/ive_come_up_with_a_new_capital_punishment_method/
%
I have a bunch of jokes about undelivered letters.

But people don’t seem to get them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d57b0c/i_have_a_bunch_of_jokes_about_undelivered_letters/
%
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d579k0/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
I just realized when you turn 18 your government free trial has ended...

you can terminate your contract but it voids all other assigning contacts permanently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5786d/i_just_realized_when_you_turn_18_your_government/
%
Did you know if you visit musicians graves, you can hear their music backwards?

It's because they're decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d576to/did_you_know_if_you_visit_musicians_graves_you/
%
I have laryngitis and my girlfriend cheated on me.

I can't tell you how upset I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d575ra/i_have_laryngitis_and_my_girlfriend_cheated_on_me/
%
Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d572z6/why_isnt_michael_jackson_a_good_chess_player/
%
You are like an uncut diamond

Cheap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d56z2g/you_are_like_an_uncut_diamond/
%
A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant...

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. "Whoops" he says and turns to the waiter "I'm terribly sorry but could I have another..." the waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top pocket.
"Here you are sir" says the waiter, handing him the spoon.
"Oh, thank you" says the man a little surprised. The couple tuck into their soups, chit chatting about the wonderful service and how delicious the soup is.
The man glances around the restaurant and notices all the waiters have a spoon sticking out of their top pockets. Curious about the spoons he beckons the waiter back over
"Is everything to your liking sir?" asks the waiter
"Oh yes it's wonderful thank you, I was just curious as to why all the waiters are carrying a spoon in each of their top pockets"
"Very observant sir, statistically spoons are the most dropped utensil so to save time we all carry a spoon in our pockets"
"That's very clever, thank you" the waiter returns to the kitchen and the man turns back to his soup.
After a few more sips he is looking around the room again and notices the all the waiters have a short piece of string hanging out of the fly on their trousers. He gestures again for the waiter who returns to the table
"Anything I can do for you sir?"
"Just another question if you don't mind" says the man with genuine curiosity "I notice all the waiters have a piece of string hanging out of their fly, what is the reason behind that?"
"Well sir to be perfectly honest the string is tied to the penis so when we go to the bathroom one can just pull it out with the string and eliminate the need to wash ones hands, thus saving more time"
"Interesting" says the man. A look of slight confusion crosses his face and he adds "But what about when you need to put it away?"
"Well sir" says the waiter, leaning in conspritorialy "personally I use the spoon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d56xnt/a_man_and_his_wife_go_on_a_date_to_a_new/
%
Police have begun training Crows to search vehicles.

It's easier to search without a warrant because Police Crows always have Just Cawws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d56w8e/police_have_begun_training_crows_to_search/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

And a chair, and a table...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d56u4w/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000
The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest son of a bitch you’ve ever met. I bet he would do it for a buck.  He’s crazy.”
Bill gets Artie’s number and meets up with him the following Tuesday . Artie agrees to kill Bill’s wife for just one dollar but only if Billy agrees to let him do it his own way. “The fun part is learning the routine, and even making yourself seen every now and then before finally killing them. Give me a few weeks, but I’ll get it done” Bill and Artie shake hands and Artie begins the process .
He sits outside Bill’s house and follows his wife each day. He figures out that every Tuesday, Bill’s wife goes grocery shopping at Food City. So on the fourth Tuesday, Artie follows her into the grocery store .
As he’s following her in aisle 4, Bill’s wife turns and confronts him... loudly.
“Why are you following me ?! Leave me alone!”
The woman’s confrontation surprises Artie, and he reacts by grabbing her by the throat and choking her to death. Although it wasn’t quite according to his plan, he figures he got the job done and turns around to retreat to his car only to find two older women standing there, mouths agape.
Artie, knowing he’s been caught and that these witnesses have the potential to put him back o prison, immediately springs into action and kills both women, leaving all three dead in aisle 4.
Unfortunately for Artie, the commotion had caught the attention of many other shoppers, and he was arrested before he could reach his car. Upon his arrest, he spills everything about how Bill had hired him and paid him only a dollar to kill his wife and that the other two women were just collateral damage.
The next day, the headline of the local paper read:
“ARTIE CHOKES, 3 for $1 AT FOOD CITY”
Thanks to my step dad for making us sit through this joke so many times over the years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d56s2b/bill_had_finally_had_it_with_his_wife/
%
5 years ago I married my best friend.

Now my girlfriend is pissed but Dave and I thought it was hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d56rwp/5_years_ago_i_married_my_best_friend/
%
The wife caught me cross dressing.

So I packed up all her clothes and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d56r3h/the_wife_caught_me_cross_dressing/
%
I opened a company that sells landmines disguised as praying mats

Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d56pqh/i_opened_a_company_that_sells_landmines_disguised/
%
Why did Batman turn Catwoman into the police after she gave birth?

Because *littering* is a crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d56kte/why_did_batman_turn_catwoman_into_the_police/
%
I help blind people in my spare time

I  mean the verb not the adjectif

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d56kkp/i_help_blind_people_in_my_spare_time/
%
My wife caught me cross-dressing and said it's over.

So I packed her things and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d56dtd/my_wife_caught_me_crossdressing_and_said_its_over/
%
Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital's always Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d567is/why_are_irish_bankers_so_successful/
%
You know, with all his flaws, Dr. Frankenstein was a damn good orator.

He really knew how to bring people together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5633y/you_know_with_all_his_flaws_dr_frankenstein_was_a/
%
A duck tries to walk into a bar...

...but he is stopped by the bouncer. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The duck has a bill, so he waddles right in.
Five minutes later, a turtle tries to walk into the bar. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The turtle has a greenback, so he walks right in.
Five minutes after that, a skunk tries to walk into the bar. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The skunk walks away disappointed, for he only had a scent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d55tu4/a_duck_tries_to_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do Dentists and the TSA have in common?

Cavity checks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d55rwn/what_do_dentists_and_the_tsa_have_in_common/
%
Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?

For Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d55prn/why_did_the_mexican_take_antianxiety_medication/
%
People are like Showers...

Every naked person they see turns them on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d55m37/people_are_like_showers/
%
A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...

The bar tender looks up
"What is this? A joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d55ll9/a_republican_a_democrat_a_communist_a_priest_a/
%
What did one Frenchman say to the other?

I have no idea, I don't speak French.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d55lko/what_did_one_frenchman_say_to_the_other/
%
What did Adam say when he woke up with a rib missing?

Something smells fishy around here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d55k55/what_did_adam_say_when_he_woke_up_with_a_rib/
%
What kind of sex are molecules into?

Bondage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d55g1f/what_kind_of_sex_are_molecules_into/
%
My grandfather has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban at the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d559zy/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d559dh/i_went_for_a_job_interview_as_a_blacksmith/
%
Why doesn't Donald Trump drink beer?

Because he's a draught dodger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d556gs/why_doesnt_donald_trump_drink_beer/
%
A vegan told me that people who eat meat are disgusting

I said, 'people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d54y6s/a_vegan_told_me_that_people_who_eat_meat_are/
%
Does anyone know how long it takes to cook those boil in the bag fish.

I didn't get any instructions at the fun fair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d54shy/does_anyone_know_how_long_it_takes_to_cook_those/
%
A Redneck Went To The Hospital...

His wife was having a baby.  Upon arriving he sat down as the nurse said to him, "Congratulations your wife had quintuplets,  five big baby boys. "
The redneck said, "I'm not surprised. I have a penis size the size of a chimney. " The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d54nik/a_redneck_went_to_the_hospital/
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The young couple that live next door to me have recently made a sex tape.

of course they don’t know that yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d54mig/the_young_couple_that_live_next_door_to_me_have/
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Son of a beech or a son of a birch

An Elm and an Oak tree in a forest are debating what type of tree the new sapling growing between them is.
The Elm says that is a son of a beech, oh no the Oak says that is a son of a birch. The debate goes on until one day a woodpecker fly's over and lands near by. The Oak says hey Mr Woodpecker can you help us determine if that young sapling is the son of a beech or the son of a birch? Why sure says the woodpecker, and he fly's over and takes a peck of the young tree. Flying back over to the Trees, the wood pecker declares Gentlemen that sapling is neither the son of Beech nor the son of a Birch. Gentlemen that is the best piece of Ash I've ever put my Pecker in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5446u/son_of_a_beech_or_a_son_of_a_birch/
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When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d540hb/when_social_media_bans_female_boobs_but_not_mens/
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Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From the well, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d53s6s/where_does_a_mansplainer_get_his_water/
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Dead already.

Apparently Freddy Kruger only preys on teenagers because by the time you turn twenty all your hopes and dreams are already dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d53qo3/dead_already/
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The Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d53kyx/the_twins/
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$5 million solid gold toilet stolen in Blenheim Palace heist

Police have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d53ko2/5_million_solid_gold_toilet_stolen_in_blenheim/
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What is the difference between "finish" and "complete"

When you marry the right woman, you are
COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are
FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the
wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d53ifc/what_is_the_difference_between_finish_and_complete/
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Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d53gys/know_what_a_69_is/
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Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A  few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At  Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're  finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me,  Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her  second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d53g1w/maria_a_devout_catholic_got_married_and_had_15/
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A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d53d83/a_native_american_chief_had_three_wives_all_of/
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One night a viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window and said to his wife: "Tomorrow it's going to rain."

His wife asked: "How do you know?"
Rudolph answered: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d53cqz/one_night_a_viking_named_rudolph_the_red_was/
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Here's a joke about cognitive dissonance

Nevermind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d536ry/heres_a_joke_about_cognitive_dissonance/
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Genie: What's your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich.
Genie: Done, and your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d533vm/genie_whats_your_first_wish/
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A photon is at the customs window when the agent asks: "Do you have any luggage to declare?"

The photon answers: "No, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d533rq/a_photon_is_at_the_customs_window_when_the_agent/
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Patient: "Am I gonna be ok, doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus"
Patient: "I don't do this astrology shit"
Doctor: "Me neither, my thermometer just broke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d533gw/patient_am_i_gonna_be_ok_doc/
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Algebra was easy for the Romans.

X was always 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d531im/algebra_was_easy_for_the_romans/
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What starts with T, ends with T, and has T inside?

A teapot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d531hw/what_starts_with_t_ends_with_t_and_has_t_inside/
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What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d52ylw/what_do_boobs_and_toys_have_in_common/
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The hypnotists mistake.

I felt sorry for the hypnotist last night. He dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME". What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d52xew/the_hypnotists_mistake/
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Kim Jong-un sent Trump a letter

Just before the big meeting in Singapore Kim Jong-un decided to send Donald
Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the
game.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded
message:
370HSSV-0773H
Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to his aides, who had no clue either,
so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to
the CIA.
With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps for help.
Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply,
"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d52sh5/kim_jongun_sent_trump_a_letter/
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What's the difference between a G-spot and a Golf Ball?

A man will look for a Golf Ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d52pns/whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a_golf/
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If a Cliff isn't a Cliff.....

Then its surely bluffing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d52jis/if_a_cliff_isnt_a_cliff/
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A man walks through his local mall and sees a Mexican book store

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d52d72/a_man_walks_through_his_local_mall_and_sees_a/
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PP Issue

Husband comes home drunk and pees ALL over everything in the bathroom.
When he wakes up in the morning, his wife is super angry.
He asks "Why are you so ticked off".  She looks at him with hands on her hips and says-
"**Urine Trouble**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d52a9p/pp_issue/
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We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the...

Minneapolis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5287r/we_all_know_where_the_big_apple_is_but_does/
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I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt...

Damn mosquito!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d525ra/i_had_a_visitor_one_night_he_explored_my_body/
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Why'd they throw the cat in prison?

It was caught looking at kitty porn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d523qv/whyd_they_throw_the_cat_in_prison/
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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.
During the woman's time with him, the king fell hopelessly in love with her, as she was very beautiful. When it came time for her to leave to return to the United States, the king called her into his palace and spoke passionately to her via the interpreter.
"King Paolo begs you to remain here and be his wife. He will grant you any three requests within his power; whatever you ask will be yours."
Flattered but not desiring to remain in the Amazon forever, the woman decided to ask for impossible favors to avoid having to turn the king down and hurt his feelings. "Tell the king that I accept, but if he cannot fulfill my three requests, I must leave immediately. My first wish is for a 50-carat diamond engagement ring and 25-carat bracelets and necklaces to match."
When the request was relayed to him, the king nodded without hesitation and responded in primitive English: "Okay, okay! I buy, I buy!"
The woman frowned, not expecting the king to be able to fulfill the ask. She decided to make the next request truly impossible: "My second wish is to live in a home exactly like this one." She pulled up her phone and displayed a picture of a nine-figure Beverly Hills mansion with three pools, gatehouses, acres of perfectly landscaped property, indoor basketball courts and theatre rooms, the whole nine yards.
When the interpreter explained the request to the king, he waved his hand and nodded eagerly. "Okay, okay, I build! I build!"
He motioned to his nearby advisors, who immediately contacted the finest architects in Brazil to consult on the project. In exchange for several tons of gold, the architects designed an identical residence and brought in several construction companies to begin work immediately. They brought in solar panels and hydroelectric units to power the buildings. Paying triple the usual rate, the king had land cleared and construction completed within days. It was some real Extreme Makeover: Home Edition shit.
Dumbfounded and a bit concerned, as she still had no desire to remain in the rainforest for the rest of her life, the woman went before the king with her final request, determined to come up with something that no amount of money could provide. "Tell the king that the man I marry must have a penis that's 12 inches long."
Looking horrified, King Paolo arose from his throne and strode around the room muttering to himself, first angrily and then sadly. He seemed to be thinking desperately, searching for options. But finally, he shook his head sadly, and spoke in a tone of resignation: "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d522x5/a_woman_visited_an_amazonian_tribe_on_a_research/
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Just ruined my laptop

Accidentally poured alcohol on it and all the drivers started crashing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5201b/just_ruined_my_laptop/
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A Hippie sits next to a young Nun

on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?
The Nun, very upset, says
"NO! I am married to God!!"
and gets off the bus disgusted.
The bus driver sees all this.
He tells the hippie
"She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard...
why don't you dress up in a hooded robe;
go to the graveyard
and tell her you are God
and demand sex?"
The Hippie tries this
and to his surprise,
the nun says
"Yes but only if we have anal sex
as I want to keep my virginity"
...
They have passionate bum sex
and when they are done
the hippie throws off his robe
and cries
"ha ha, I'm the Hippie!!!"
The nun cries out
"ha ha, I'm the Bus Driver!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d51ywn/a_hippie_sits_next_to_a_young_nun/
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How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d51wp5/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archaeologist/
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Welcome to the Reddit stand-up comedy show

\*I enter the stage, applause erupts\*
Alright alright reddit! How you feelin' today?
\*applause\*
Alright! So, show of hands, how many of you are redditors?
\*everyone raises their hands\*
Haha, maybe not too surprising. Because you all look depressed and out of shape.
\*laughter\*
Nah, kidding, kidding. Hey, you seen that post on r/AskReddit asking y'all if you'd accept a million dollars, but you have to eat just one dish for the rest of your life? I don't know bout you, but pizza everyday and a million dollars don't sound so bad to me.
\*laughter\*
Seriously though, pizza is amazing. Y'all ever browse r/food? Sometimes I'm at work browsing it, I see a picture of a nice burger and I go "aw maaan I need a burger right now. Like right F-ing now."
\*laughter\*
Then I look up and realize my boss is lookin at me droolin all over my phone.
\*laughter\*
He says: "man if you don't get back to work right now, you'll very soon be browsing r/personalfinance"
\*laughter\*
Anyway reddit, you've been great! Have a nice evening!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d51was/welcome_to_the_reddit_standup_comedy_show/
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This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d51uin/this_morning_on_the_way_to_work_i_wasnt_really/
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Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d51p35/know_what_a_69_is/
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What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d51k3e/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d51ghs/whats_the_difference_between_anal_and_oral_sex/
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Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Probably the chicken as eggs cant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d51a6o/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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A guy wants to get laid

A guy is super horny and wants to get laid however he doesn't want to put much effort into it so he goes down to china town and looks for a hooker. He ends up finding this beautiful girl she said she would do anything oral, anal anything he wanted for just 5 Dollars. He takes her back to the hotel and has his way with her. The next day he doesn't feel right down there so he goes to get checked out and finds out that he has crabs. Enraged he goes back to china town and finds the same girl super upset he tells her. BITCH you gave me crabs. She replies what do you expect for 5 Dollars Lobster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d518xi/a_guy_wants_to_get_laid/
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What was the inventor of suspenders awarded for their discovery?

The no-belt prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d5154t/what_was_the_inventor_of_suspenders_awarded_for/
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a *great* year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d512lz/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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Sad to hear Eddie Money passed away

Guess he finally decided to cash out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d50r7v/sad_to_hear_eddie_money_passed_away/
%
A drummer and his wife have indentical twin daughters. And their names are..

Anna 1
Anna 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d50iqd/a_drummer_and_his_wife_have_indentical_twin/
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Wine Whirlpool

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.
I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d50bb2/wine_whirlpool/
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Stop vs slow down

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he's smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from the one and only London and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d50b4s/stop_vs_slow_down/
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What makes Hitler and Jake Paul different

Hitler knew when to kill himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d50b1j/what_makes_hitler_and_jake_paul_different/
%
My wife is a champ for putting up with my sexual kinks

She takes it on the chin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d500rr/my_wife_is_a_champ_for_putting_up_with_my_sexual/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d500ij/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.
"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"
Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"
And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"
At this time he was so curious about it that he started to consider the idea.
"Whistle Blowjobs - turn right" The last sign said
Then he turned right, and saw a small wood cabin on the woods, with a beautiful blonde woman on the front.
"Hey!" he said
"Hey there honey!" She replied
"You do the Whistle Blowjobs yourself? What it is all about?" He asked
"Yes honey, I do! And I'll suck your dick while whistling the tune of really famous pop songs" She said
The man was astonished" How could it be possible? Imagine the control you would need to have to perform such an act. Imagine the skill that woman must have on her mouh and tongue!"
He got so curious that he tried: "Oh lady, I want one!"
"100 dollars" She said
"100 dollars? well that's expensive.."
"Not expensive for my whistle blowjob honey!" said the woman.
So he accepted and walked inside the cabin. Then the woman said:
"To perform the act I need all lights out, so you don't see exactly what I'm doing and the magic ain't ruined"
"Ok!" He replied, already laying down and taking down his pants.
Then the woman started sucking his dick, every movement perfectly executed, then she started to whistle the tune of the song Californication, from Red Hot.
The man was really fucking surprised, how could that be possible?
When she finished, he asked for another round, for another 100 bucks
"Ma'am, could you do it while I'm standing?"
"Yeah sure" She replied, and started blowing him while he was standing
But this time the man was in arm's reach from the light switch, willing to discovery how such incredible blowjob was done.
Soon she was going to start, he flicked the light switch, iluminating the room, just to see her glass eye sitting on the table next to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4zv7y/a_man_was_driving_on_the_freeway_when_he_saw_a/
%
Why don’t blind people sky dive?

I scares the $hit out of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4zsub/why_dont_blind_people_sky_dive/
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My grandfather didn't die screaming. He died peacefully in his sleep.

Quite unlike the passengers of the bus he was driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4zpmv/my_grandfather_didnt_die_screaming_he_died/
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Why did the Queen go to the dentist?

to protect her crown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4zpe8/why_did_the_queen_go_to_the_dentist/
%
The pirate just can't play a game of cards.

Because he was sitting on the deck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4zn6l/the_pirate_just_cant_play_a_game_of_cards/
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Three mathematicians have known each other for years.

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician, they decide to go bow hunting one season. While on the trail, they spot their first buck. The physicist run some calculations, decides that air resistance is negligible, and aims accordingly. His arrow falls short by 20 feet. The engineer runs some more calculations, factors in the highest possible air resistance and fires his bow. His arrows flies over the buck and lands 20 feet behind it. Finally, the statistician runs some calculations of his own and excitedly exclaims “We got him!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4zmr2/three_mathematicians_have_known_each_other_for/
%
What's purple, orange and yellow and has wheels?

A dolphin. I lied about the colour and the wheels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4zksl/whats_purple_orange_and_yellow_and_has_wheels/
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I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans.

I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4zijk/i_was_at_a_restaurant_and_spilled_soup_on_my_jeans/
%
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?

Because they're always raising the steaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4zffx/why_are_cowboys_prone_to_gambling/
%
There are 10 kinds of people on this world.

01 who can read in binary numbers, and the other 01 who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4zf8r/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_on_this_world/
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I have only ever seen hot air balloons in the morning

I guess they’re all early risers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4zcb2/i_have_only_ever_seen_hot_air_balloons_in_the/
%
I was told to stop eating fast food

so I ate a turtle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ywac/i_was_told_to_stop_eating_fast_food/
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Inappropriate times for the Kool-Aid Man to bust through the wall.

“I’m so glad you brought me here Jack, I’ve never seen the engine room of an Ocean Liner before.”
“Oh, no?”
**”Oh, Yeah!”**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4yszh/inappropriate_times_for_the_koolaid_man_to_bust/
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My nose is itching, could you please scratch it

>!Ahh... feels good, thanks for the scratch!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4yqrr/my_nose_is_itching_could_you_please_scratch_it/
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What is the best cure for constipation?

Finding an empty toilet roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4yqi0/what_is_the_best_cure_for_constipation/
%
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4yhua/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
Husband and wife..

Wife:What are you doing?
Husband:Killing mosquitoes.
Wife:How many did you kill?
Husband: Total 5.
2 females, 3 males.
Wife: How do you know their
gender?
Husband: 2 near mirror
and 3 near beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4yht4/husband_and_wife/
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A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4yam5/a_bus_full_of_ugly_people_had_a_headon_collision/
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I asked my wife if was the only one she's ever been with.

She replied, "yeah, the others were at least sevens or eights."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4y9pu/i_asked_my_wife_if_was_the_only_one_shes_ever/
%
I was banging a goat and I asked her if she was into it,

she said: Mehhhh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4y74m/i_was_banging_a_goat_and_i_asked_her_if_she_was/
%
What do you call armour made for women?

She-mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4y4bo/what_do_you_call_armour_made_for_women/
%
Why is a bad government like a bikini?

Because people marvel at what's holding it up. And they wish it would fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4y1py/why_is_a_bad_government_like_a_bikini/
%
"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress:  (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4y0s1/waitress_can_i_ask_you_something_about_the_menu/
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My favorite position has always been doggystyle.

Now I just have to train the dog to stop barking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4y019/my_favorite_position_has_always_been_doggystyle/
%
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"
Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"
Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?"
Autumn ~ *-leaves-*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4xzb9/the_four_seasons_were_arguing_about_which_of_them/
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I saw people collecting for Parkinson's and they were shaking tins which I thought was insensitive.

-Gary Delaney-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4xxzk/i_saw_people_collecting_for_parkinsons_and_they/
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Give a man a fish and you’ll feed him for a day.

Poison that fish and you’ll have fed him for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4xuzw/give_a_man_a_fish_and_youll_feed_him_for_a_day/
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One thing porn has taught me

When a woman unzips your pants she will always be pleasantly surprised to find a penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4xrjp/one_thing_porn_has_taught_me/
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I was talking to a circumcision doctor the other day.

He said the pay was shit but he got to keep the tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4xr2q/i_was_talking_to_a_circumcision_doctor_the_other/
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Why are women good historians

Because they know their periods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4xqoy/why_are_women_good_historians/
%
Pun enters the room and kills 10 people.

Pun in. Ten dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4xn0g/pun_enters_the_room_and_kills_10_people/
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What do they call, hot and slutty ladies?

FireHoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4xl6f/what_do_they_call_hot_and_slutty_ladies/
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After my wife died, I wasn't able to see any women for 25 years.

But now that I've been released from prison, I know it was worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4xk96/after_my_wife_died_i_wasnt_able_to_see_any_women/
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An employee is absent...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the little voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the neighbours," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4xhoe/an_employee_is_absent/
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I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...

...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4xgoq/i_threw_a_party_for_all_the_workers_who_helped/
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What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4xfzs/whats_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
%
I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.

I think I might be a heroine addict.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4xdc7/im_worried_ive_become_very_obsessed_with_wonder/
%
I bought a dozen bees, but the shopkeeper gave me 13

The last one was a free bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4x48j/i_bought_a_dozen_bees_but_the_shopkeeper_gave_me/
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The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4x3b0/the_guy_who_invented_throat_lozenges_died_last/
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Do you have a friend that can make an ark?

I Noah guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4x1co/do_you_have_a_friend_that_can_make_an_ark/
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My ex girlfriend couldn't stop bragging about my length and girth.

But she was just pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4wyt3/my_ex_girlfriend_couldnt_stop_bragging_about_my/
%
Why can’t T-Rex clap their hands?

Because they’re extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4wrlr/why_cant_trex_clap_their_hands/
%
I learned that Chernobyl Nuclear Plant has a 4.1 star rating on Google.

Apparently it would be more, but people ran out of fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4wr1v/i_learned_that_chernobyl_nuclear_plant_has_a_41/
%
One thing I do to get attention

Wear my Michael Vick jersey to the dog park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4wqqj/one_thing_i_do_to_get_attention/
%
I told my therapist I’m suicidal

He said I need to start paying in advance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4wq8q/i_told_my_therapist_im_suicidal/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4wit8/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
Things turned really ugly at my house last night.

My girlfriend removed her make up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4wg2y/things_turned_really_ugly_at_my_house_last_night/
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Did you get a haircut?

No, i got them all cut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4wg26/did_you_get_a_haircut/
%
I got to talk to a native African girl for hours today.

We just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4w6zv/i_got_to_talk_to_a_native_african_girl_for_hours/
%
One day I was walking across a bridge when I saw a man preparing to jump off

I immediately shouted to him, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why not?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well... are you religious or not?"
"I am!"
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To this I replied, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4w55v/one_day_i_was_walking_across_a_bridge_when_i_saw/
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What is the difference between a dildo and a German?

A German is a real dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4w078/what_is_the_difference_between_a_dildo_and_a/
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Two dictators are arguing about whose army is more obedient.

They walk to the edge of the cliff and call a soldier over.  Putin commands his soldier to jump off the cliff.  The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children."
Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump.  The soldier is about to jump when Putin grabs his arm and stops him.
The North Korean soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4vxl4/two_dictators_are_arguing_about_whose_army_is/
%
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and the Mom asks him to lead the family in saying grace. So the boy complied and starts praying, and praying, and praying. After awhile the daughter leans over and quietly says to him “I had no idea you were so religious,” to which the boy replies, “I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist.”
[most definitely a repost, thought it was funny]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4vwaw/a_17_year_old_male_walks_into_a_drug_store/
%
For the last time

Bob returned from a doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and again they made love.
Later, Bob was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Bob, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and  turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said :
"Listen Bob, I have to get up in the morning for your funeral & you don't have to!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4vmiy/for_the_last_time/
%
So, there is this new strain of Marijuana called Grassy Knoll...

It is sure to blow your mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4vl13/so_there_is_this_new_strain_of_marijuana_called/
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My Wife is really getting fed up with all these makeup ads on TV

So I changed the Chanel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4vk4l/my_wife_is_really_getting_fed_up_with_all_these/
%
What do mitochondria, Bill Cosby, and my friend Clint all have in common?

They're all incels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4vi0v/what_do_mitochondria_bill_cosby_and_my_friend/
%
Today I've been sober for 90 days.

Not, like, in a row or anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ve2o/today_ive_been_sober_for_90_days/
%
Teacher: Name something beginning with E that you are not very good at.

Student: Spelling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4vcxm/teacher_name_something_beginning_with_e_that_you/
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The pizza was waiting in the stomach..

The pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along.
Pizza thought, "Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry."
Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza lets him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stopped him. "What's going on out there?" it asked.
"Why, there's a party going on!! It's great! They're having lots of fun!!" the whiskey replied.
And pizza said, "Great, I'll go check it out!"
And that's how we vomit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4vahp/the_pizza_was_waiting_in_the_stomach/
%
My dyslexic friend believes in the power of the Ancient Roman God of Love

what a cupid stunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4v70e/my_dyslexic_friend_believes_in_the_power_of_the/
%
Why are there no fat people in Japan

Because last time there was a fat man, 80,000 people died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4v2hn/why_are_there_no_fat_people_in_japan/
%
I finally quit drinking for good

Now I drink for evil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4uxuw/i_finally_quit_drinking_for_good/
%
Ahhh… Freudian slips...

A: How many Freudian psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
B:I dunno, how many does it take?
Two.  One to screw it in, and one to hold the penis … I mean ladder!  One to hold the ladder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ut43/ahhh_freudian_slips/
%
A guy's girlfriend is having a hard time parking the car. He tells her "You ought to get tested." She says, "Why? Am I that bad?"

He says. "No. I've got chlamydia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4u5pw/a_guys_girlfriend_is_having_a_hard_time_parking/
%
Debra complains to the club manager.

Debra complains to the club manager, ''I got stung by a bee on your golf course!''
"Where?," he inquires.
''Between the first and second hole,'' she replies.
''Oh, your stance is too wide.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4tqq6/debra_complains_to_the_club_manager/
%
I blasted the Soviet Union anthem in my private school

It's now a public school
Credit to a YouTube comment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4tk2f/i_blasted_the_soviet_union_anthem_in_my_private/
%
For my cake day, I've decided that I'm not going to be drinking any more.

I'm not going to drink any less either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4thja/for_my_cake_day_ive_decided_that_im_not_going_to/
%
A wife tells her husband that she wants breast implants

Her husband says, "Why on earth would you want to do that? You look gorgeous exactly the way you are."
"But I'm not HAPPY!" the wife complains.
The husband replies, "Well, I want you to be happy. But we don't need to spend a ton of money on implants. All you need to do is rub some toilet paper between your breasts every day and you can get naturally huge breasts."
The wife looks at him with uncertainty and says, "...Really?? I dunno...Are you sure that will work...?"
The husband replies, "I don't know for sure, but you've been doing that to your butt all these years and look how big that's gotten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4th8z/a_wife_tells_her_husband_that_she_wants_breast/
%
Me: Hello 911

Operator: hello what's your emergency
Me: these men won't stop laughing at me
Operator: that's annoying but it's not a crime
Me: wtf is manslaughter then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4sgkx/me_hello_911/
%
Mom: Stop making suicide jokes

Her son: Don't worry I'll stop soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4sfsv/mom_stop_making_suicide_jokes/
%
I once met a guy with a cashew fetish.

He was fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4s8g5/i_once_met_a_guy_with_a_cashew_fetish/
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Here's one from my 8 yr old neice

What's invisible and smells like a carrot?
Rabbit farts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4s7pg/heres_one_from_my_8_yr_old_neice/
%
An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message of christ, and was able to convert him, spraying him with water saying, "you were born sick, you were raised sick, but now you are CHRISTIAN!". The idiots neighbors left him alone thinking that was that, but come Friday, and he's still grilling chicken when he should be abstaining. So they began to spy on him to see how he could justify such an act, and they saw him spritz his chicken with holy water, saying "you were born chicken, you were raised chicken, but now, you are FISH!"
idk if this is a repost, but my dad told me this joke as a kid, and I thought it was funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4s5pe/an_idiot_moves_to_a_very_religious_catholic/
%
What do you call an Italian slum?

Spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4s4t4/what_do_you_call_an_italian_slum/
%
Dont go to a bar with xxxtencation

He can only take 2 shots before he passes out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4s0yw/dont_go_to_a_bar_with_xxxtencation/
%
I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand

19

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4rn6b/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_to/
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How did the alcoholic climb the mountain?

12 steps at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4rl4q/how_did_the_alcoholic_climb_the_mountain/
%
That is the most musical vegetable?

The beet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4rhab/that_is_the_most_musical_vegetable/
%
Why don’t you spell “dark” with a “c”?

Because you can’t c in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4rds5/why_dont_you_spell_dark_with_a_c/
%
Did you hear about the ISIS sex doll?

It blows itself up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4rd8m/did_you_hear_about_the_isis_sex_doll/
%
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.

I thought we had good alchemy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4r8ck/my_girlfriend_walked_out_on_me_for_being_too_old/
%
My wife caught me cross dressing

So I packed up all of our clothes and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4r72v/my_wife_caught_me_cross_dressing/
%
I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rub people the wrong way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4qsem/i_just_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_massage/
%
I love having sex while camping

It's fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4qrsq/i_love_having_sex_while_camping/
%
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4qhw3/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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2 people are talking after something stressful happens...

Guy 1: "Describe how you are feeling in 1 word."
Guy 2: "Good."
Guy 1: "Describe how you are feeling in 2 words."
Guy 2: "Not good."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4qhl9/2_people_are_talking_after_something_stressful/
%
A curious child asked his mother:

“Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours does turn one of my hair grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4qhgt/a_curious_child_asked_his_mother/
%
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

But my girlfriend insist it says dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4qfja/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
%
They say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but with all the new genders...

We're gonna need a bigger solar system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4qe6r/they_say_that_men_are_from_mars_and_women_are/
%
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,

Five beer please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4q9iv/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_holds_up_two_fingers_and/
%
An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the  authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge  out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge  means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I  made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went  about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and  saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With  each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored  before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to  run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4q77j/an_undercover_cop_called_at_my_farm_in_the_sticks/
%
My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4q53x/my_ex_left_me_because_according_to_her_ill_never/
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A Man Walks Into A Bar

He hangs out for a bit and makes a bit of a stir. The bartender, intrigued, asks what's up. The man says "I bet you $200 I can stand on that stool across the bar and pee into a shot glass without spilling a drop." the bartender thinks there's no fucking way so he takes the bet and puts out the shot glass. The man stands up on the stool, lowers his pants and starts spraying everywhere it's a very messy ordeal and nobody wanted to be there. the bartender says "alright thats $200" so the man gives him the money and he's obviously very happy so the bartender asks "why are you happy you just lost $200?" the man replies "I bet that guy over there $500 that I could pee all over your bar and you'd be happy about it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4pvyt/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did the bear use gloves when eating honey?

He didn't want to touch it with his bear hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ptkt/why_did_the_bear_use_gloves_when_eating_honey/
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I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day.

(Usually either Nestle or Captain)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ps93/i_maintain_my_stomach_tone_by_doing_as_many/
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What do you call a young Mexican

Paragraph, because he’s not a full ese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4pr6m/what_do_you_call_a_young_mexican/
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4pp6j/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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Lose 10lbs in a week.

A man trying to lose weight saw an add in the paper for a program to lose 10 lbs in a week. Wanting to lose weight he called and signed up. They told him his work out would start at 7 AM. So the first thing in the morning he heard a knock at his door. It was a gorgeous blonde wearing nothing but a bikini who simply said if you catch me you can have me and took off running. She came back again every morning for a week, and sure enough the man lost 10 lbs. At the end up the week he called back and said I'd like to lose another 10lbs, again the company told him the work out would start at 7 AM and sure enough the next morning an even prettier women showed up at his door wearing nothing but a bikini and told him if you can catch me you can have me and took off running. Every day the man chased her and again he lost 10lbs. By the third week the man was feeling overconfident about his running ability and called the company saying he wanted to lose 20lbs. They warned him that was an advanced level program and not for everyone however he insisted he could catch who ever they sent. They sign him up and tell him your work out will start at 7 AM. The next morning he hears a knock at the door and when he opens it to his surprise there is a very large very muscular flamboyant man in a bikini who simply says if I catch you I can have you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4pp1q/lose_10lbs_in_a_week/
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What does a robot do after having sex?

Nuts & Bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4pm77/what_does_a_robot_do_after_having_sex/
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My wife

came into the bedroom and in a strict voice she said "take my blouse off", so I took her blouse off.
"Take my shoes off", I took her shoes off
"Remove my skirt", I removed her skirt.
"Take my stockings off", slowly I took her stockings off.
"Now remove my bra", I removed her bra.
"Take my knickers off", I pulled her knickers off.
Standing there totally naked, she said "never let me catch you wearing my clothes ever again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4plfo/my_wife/
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A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box

.
The bartender is quite curious and asks the man what’s inside.
“I’ll show you if you get me a beer”, the man says.
The bartender accepts the deal and gets the guest a beer. He then opens the box and takes out a man of 30 centimeters high and a small piano. The tiny guy directly starts playing the piano.
The bartender is amazed and shouts out: “That’s awesome dude. Where did you get that?”
The man replies: “I will tell you if you get me another beer.”
Of course the bartender gets him a beer right away. As the man is sipping from it he explains: “I got it from a genie in a magic lamp.”
The bartender gets really enthusiastic and says: “You have a genie in a lamp? If you let me use it just once, I’ll get you another beer.”
The guy is still pretty thirsty and  accepts this offer. As he is drinking his third beer he hands over the lamp. The bartender rubs it and a genie pops out,who says: “Master, I can grant you one wish. What will that be?”
The bartender shouts out: “I want a million bucks!”
A few seconds later a bunch of men walk in.
"I'm vegan" one says.
"Do you have any soy latte?" asks another.
"Is this bar LBGTQIQFDKF certified?" yet another patron asks.
“What the hell is this?”, screams the bartender. “I wished for a million bucks, not a million cucks.”
The patron turn towards the bartender and says with a sad face: “Yeah, that genie has quite the hearing problem. Or did you really think I wished for a 30 centimeter long pianist?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4phpt/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_in_los_angeles_carrying_a/
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My wife just gave birth and she’s over the moon! I,on the other hand, plan to sue the surgeon who did my vasectomy.

Not once did he mention that a mixed race baby was a possible side effect!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4pabp/my_wife_just_gave_birth_and_shes_over_the_moon/
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If a priest prays, you pray.

But if he preys, you run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4p9mo/if_a_priest_prays_you_pray/
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A lawyer is cross-examining a doctor on the stand.

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Doctor: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Doctor: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4p8a5/a_lawyer_is_crossexamining_a_doctor_on_the_stand/
%
I bought the blacksmith's dog the other day.

As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4p7tr/i_bought_the_blacksmiths_dog_the_other_day/
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What's the difference between a bad sniper and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but not hit, the other can hoot but not sh*t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4p3q2/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_sniper_and_a/
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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4p25q/a_man_went_into_a_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
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My wife looked into the mirror and said "I feel fat and it's making me depressed."

"Well then," I replied  "stop touching it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4p0zp/my_wife_looked_into_the_mirror_and_said_i_feel/
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What's the most peaceful musical instrument?

I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4p0b5/whats_the_most_peaceful_musical_instrument/
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I would tell you guys a time travel joke

But you didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ooql/i_would_tell_you_guys_a_time_travel_joke/
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Hey girl, are you from Iraq?

Because you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4og7f/hey_girl_are_you_from_iraq/
%
My gay friend took an online "Are You Gay" test...

He passed with flying colors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4oe1s/my_gay_friend_took_an_online_are_you_gay_test/
%
I took a cab and told the cabbie I was in a hurry...

The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.
I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"
"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."
We came up on a red light and again he sped through the intersection.
I'm seriously concerned for my life now "Would you please drive more carefully."
"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way and we have been fine."
Then we came up on a green light and the cabbie came to a dead stop.
I got curious "Why are you stopped at a green light?"
"Oh, I gotta be careful cause one of my buddies could be driving on the other street."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4o2rt/i_took_a_cab_and_told_the_cabbie_i_was_in_a_hurry/
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“My husband can do the work of two men."

"Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy.”
(Source - Jo Brand)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4nvyb/my_husband_can_do_the_work_of_two_men/
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What's 6 inches long, pink and makes my girlfriend moan all day?

Her fucking tongue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4njql/whats_6_inches_long_pink_and_makes_my_girlfriend/
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Waitress wouldn’t give me a quickie!

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me! The old lady next to me said, “it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’, my Dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4mnio/waitress_wouldnt_give_me_a_quickie/
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What do you call a guy who has 6.02*10^23 dollars?

A molennaire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4mkwk/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_has_6021023_dollars/
%
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4m9vt/i_just_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_taxi_driver/
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What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4m939/what_did_2_tell_3_when_they_saw_6_acting_like_an/
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A husband of 50 years dies leaving his widow to prepare for his funeral. [NSFW]

The mortuary attendant calls the widow aside to consult her with an embarrassing problem. He hesitatingly explained that her husband died with an erection and the coffin would not shut. Without pause she told the attendant to cut off the member and stuff it up his anus.
Later during the wake, it came her turn to stand by the body and say her last goodbyes. Looking down at her departed husband she noticed a look of pain on his face. She leaned over and whispered in his ear her final words,
"I told you it hurt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4m67r/a_husband_of_50_years_dies_leaving_his_widow_to/
%
I will never forget the day I got married.

I've tried everything: drugs, alcohol, even hypnosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4m4cn/i_will_never_forget_the_day_i_got_married/
%
The first fry wasn't made in France.

It was made in grease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4m20v/the_first_fry_wasnt_made_in_france/
%
Doctor asks nurse: How is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed 10 quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4lzn5/doctor_asks_nurse_how_is_that_little_boy_doing/
%
A fly is hovering six inches above a lake.

What it doesn’t notice is that nearby a fish is watching thinking “If that fly drops six inches in going to have myself a nice meal”.
What the fish doesn’t notice is that behind him there’s a bear watching, he’s thinking “If that fly drops six inches that fish is going to attack the fly, I’m going to attack the fish and have myself a nice meal.”
What the bear doesn’t notice is that nearby there’s a hunter watching thinking “ If that fly drops six inches, that fish attacks the fly, that bear pounces on the fish I’m going to shoot the bear and have myself a nice meal”.
What the hunter doesn’t notice is that nearby there’s a rat watching thinking “ If that fly drops six inches, that fish is going to jump at the fly, the bear will jump on the fish, the hunter will drop his sandwich and shoot the bear and I’ll jump on the sandwich and have myself a nice meal”.
What the rat didn’t notice was that nearby there was a cat watching thinking “ If that fly drops six inches, that fish attacks the fly, the bear attacks the fish, the hunter drops his sandwich and shoots that bear, the rat jumps on the sandwich I’m going to jump on the rat and have myself a nice meal”.
Guess what happened next?
The fly dropped six inches, the fish jumped at it, the bear pounced on the fish, the hunter dropped his sandwich and shot the bear, the rat jumped at the sandwich but when the cat jumped at the rat it missed and landed in the lake.
Do you know what this tells us?
Every time a fly drops six inches a pussy is going to get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ly3s/a_fly_is_hovering_six_inches_above_a_lake/
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Why is sex like math?

You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4lxyd/why_is_sex_like_math/
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What do you call a Japanese chihuahua?

Konichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4lxaf/what_do_you_call_a_japanese_chihuahua/
%
What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk?

A drunk doesn’t have to go to meetings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4lvp4/whats_the_difference_between_an_alcoholic_and_a/
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A man got in a bad accident and got his left arm and left leg ripped off. But don't worry about him.

He's all right now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4lvib/a_man_got_in_a_bad_accident_and_got_his_left_arm/
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*you've entered the wrong password...

*RECOVER your password?
*Enter your NEW password.
*Were sorry we cant use that password because it was your old password

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4lqtl/youve_entered_the_wrong_password/
%
A little boy and his mother were walking on the street when they saw two dogs mating

-Mom, what are they doing?
-The one on the top broke its front legs and the other one is taking it to the hospital.
-Wow what kind of a world are we living in? You are helping someone and they are f*cking you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4lnft/a_little_boy_and_his_mother_were_walking_on_the/
%
Car accident and a fight

I got in a car accident and a fight in the same day! Let me tell you what happened.
I was driving along when some guy pulled out in front of me. I tried to stop, but ultimately rear-ended him. He gets out of his car, and I see that he's a dwarf! He comes over fuming, and exclaims, "I am NOT happy!" Taken aback, I asked, "Well, which one are you then?" And that's how the fight started...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4lmlj/car_accident_and_a_fight/
%
Communist jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4lerl/communist_jokes_arent_funny/
%
I saw that my wife’s eye makeup smeared all around when she woke up this morning.

I couldn’t even raccoon-eyes her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4lduo/i_saw_that_my_wifes_eye_makeup_smeared_all_around/
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What do prostitutes say when they can’t here you?

Come again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4l32a/what_do_prostitutes_say_when_they_cant_here_you/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all walking down the street.

They notice a street performer juggling fantastically, so they stop to watch. The juggler notices that they have a poor view, so he stands on a large box and shouts to them, “Can you all see me now?”
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Sí”
“Ja”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4l2ti/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
A man takes a seat at a bar and waves at the bartender. “Gimme a shot of whiskey.”

Another man at the bar, notices his accent and asks, “You sound like a fellow Irishman.  What county do you come from?”
“I come from Kildare” the man replies.
“Me too!  What town in Kildare?”
“Maynooth, born and raised,” the man says.
“Me too!  What a coincidence.  What part of Maynooth?”
“Near St. Mary’s, on Kilcock Rd.”
“That’s amazing! Me too! Let me buy you a drink! Bartender, two whiskeys!”
As the bartender pours two shots for the Irishmen, another bar patron comments on the amazing coincidence.
“Nah,” says the bartender.  “Just the Murphy twins drunk again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4kzi9/a_man_takes_a_seat_at_a_bar_and_waves_at_the/
%
Once in a small town, a man got a paralysis attack.

The doctor said he could possibly be bedridden for a long time. The expenses of the hospitalization put him and his wife in a bit of tension. Their son still had his entire life left in front of him. The son also looked very sad and scared.
The doctor, sympathized, and gave the son a lotto ticket he had bought earlier that day to cheer him up. Miraculously, that ticket was the winning ticket!
He used this money for his father's hospitalization expenses and his studies. He grew up to get a good job with steady pay.
He asked the girl he loved to marry him and she did. He was now a financially independent man, with the love of his life at his side, and both of his parents in his care.
Thus, the father's paralysis attack for the son was indeed a stroke of luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4kvl8/once_in_a_small_town_a_man_got_a_paralysis_attack/
%
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.  The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.  He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4kt6t/a_cowboy_rode_into_town_and_stopped_at_a_saloon/
%
50% of Canada is full of

The letter A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4kstc/50_of_canada_is_full_of/
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"Do you have a book on small penis"

Librarian: "It's hard to find"
"Yes, that's the one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4kkgb/do_you_have_a_book_on_small_penis/
%
*Hits blunt*

Isn’t hail just rain in Braille?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4kg0d/hits_blunt/
%
How does the rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4k7us/how_does_the_rock_pee/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of - 100.

A solid 10, but also Imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4k7ak/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
Why shouldn't you wear Ukrainian speedos?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4k75h/why_shouldnt_you_wear_ukrainian_speedos/
%
A man and his wife are visiting Russia.

They’re taking a stroll through what’s widely known as a socialist part of town, when it starts to drizzle.
The wife turns and says to her husband, and says, “Let’s go back to the hotel. It’s raining.”
The man scoffs. “It’s not raining,” he says, “this is nothing.”
The wife disagrees. They start arguing when a tall Soviet approaches them. “Please. No arguing, comrades.”
The husband notices that his name tag says “Rudolph” in bold lettering. He asks him, “Well, is it raining or not?”
Rudolph ponders the thought for a moment, and says, “Yes, it’s raining, comrade.”
The wife snickers and playfully pats the husband’s back.
“You see! Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4k4yx/a_man_and_his_wife_are_visiting_russia/
%
At the time of his death, Steve Irwin was testing a new sunblock...

Turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4jtwg/at_the_time_of_his_death_steve_irwin_was_testing/
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What’s the first thing you feel when you shoot a civilian?

The recoil of your rifle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4jtpd/whats_the_first_thing_you_feel_when_you_shoot_a/
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I have just found out i'm colour blind...

That diagnosis came completely out of the purple...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4jthc/i_have_just_found_out_im_colour_blind/
%
A man goes to the Christmas Tree Store

to pick out the perfect family tree. He finds the best one in the store and says to the salesman
‘I’ll take this one!’
‘Excellent choice!’ says the salesman, ‘are you going to put it up yourself?’
‘Yuck, no!’ explains the man, ‘I’m putting it in the loungeroom!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4jsyg/a_man_goes_to_the_christmas_tree_store/
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What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats?

A pimp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4jne7/what_do_you_call_an_isis_member_who_owns_6_goats/
%
A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence.

An example:
I ate my friend's lunch.
I ate my friend's colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4jc71/a_colon_can_really_change_the_meaning_of_a/
%
I love how when you hear certain music, it can really take you places.

For instance, the bar I'm currently in are playing Drake so I'm now going somewhere else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ja9c/i_love_how_when_you_hear_certain_music_it_can/
%
I'm taking an assertiveness course

If that's okay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4j8me/im_taking_an_assertiveness_course/
%
Was in the pub a few months ago with my mate and these 4 huge bastards starting mouthing off at us.

"Pretend we're the Police" my mate said
I only got two lines into the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4j791/was_in_the_pub_a_few_months_ago_with_my_mate_and/
%
I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.
And now we wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4j66e/i_told_my_girlfriend_my_mother_is_deaf/
%
What do you call Russian student who seems like he'll never finish college?

Stalling grad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4j5n8/what_do_you_call_russian_student_who_seems_like/
%
Trump Trumps Queen

Trump met the Queen of England in her palace
Trump: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are intelligent?"
The Queen: "Easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron, would you come in here, please?"
David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, ma'am?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me, ma'am."
"Very good! Thank you, David !" said the Queen.
Then she turned to Trump with a smile and said "See?"
Now its Trump’s turn to apply the same logic....
Trump returned to the USA and asked Pence..
"Pence, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Pence . "Let me get back to you on that one..."
Pence went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer...
Finally, he ran into Obama and asked, "can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"..
Obama answered, "That's easy, it's me!"..
Pence said, "Thanks!"
Then he went back to Trump. "I did some thinking and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Obama..."😎
Trump shouted at him.... And told him
"No! You dumb idiot! It's David Cameron!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4j4bf/trump_trumps_queen/
%
What's the difference between a dad and a boomerang?

My boomerang came back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4j2r6/whats_the_difference_between_a_dad_and_a_boomerang/
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I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4itub/i_called_my_wife_at_work_and_asked_do_you_ever/
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A new report shows that a million of these people enter our country every year...

A new report shows that a million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Australians and our government is doing nothing to stop them and they even support them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
Man, I hate babies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4is1b/a_new_report_shows_that_a_million_of_these_people/
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A work uniform is a lot like a pair of pajamas...

Usually somebody else buys them for you, it's one of the few outfits you'll wear where the top is the same color as the bottoms, you might not wash them after every single wearing, and it can lead to depression if you're in them for more than 8 hours a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4iqgg/a_work_uniform_is_a_lot_like_a_pair_of_pajamas/
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An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4imx5/an_undercover_cop_called_at_my_farm_in_the_sticks/
%
Sometimes I don't end my jokes

But when I do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4imvk/sometimes_i_dont_end_my_jokes/
%
If at first you don’t succeed,

destroy all evidence that you tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4iftq/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
Do you know the difference between education and experience?

Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ie82/do_you_know_the_difference_between_education_and/
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Smart-ass kid wants to challenge a famous gunfighter.

He walks into the saloon, and says "My name's Jimmy Johnson, and I'm here to challenge Black Bart to a showdown at noon tomorrow!"
The bartender says "Well, if you're going to try to outdraw Black Bart, you 'd better be prepared."
The kid says "I've got my gun, I've been practicing for a year, I'm all set."
The bartender says "No, you're not. You don't even have your gun greased up!"
The kid says "What do you mean?"
Bartender: "Before you go to call Black Bart out, get a good layer of axle grease all over your gun."
Kid: "Why, will that make me draw any faster?"
Bartender:  "Nope, but it will make it hurt a bit less when Bart shoves it up your ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4id6h/smartass_kid_wants_to_challenge_a_famous/
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Job rotation!

A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said:
When we were first married, I  would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's different.
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.
Said the counsellor: “Why complain
You are still getting the same service.
In the corporate world they call it.
Job Rotation!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ibk1/job_rotation/
%
After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4i8t7/after_my_accident_i_woke_up_in_hospital_with_a/
%
A giant fly is attacking New York, but don't worry...

The SWAT team is on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4i5m3/a_giant_fly_is_attacking_new_york_but_dont_worry/
%
Jumped in the back of a taxi earlier on.......

I fancied talking the taxi drivers lugs off so i tapped him on the shoulder. The driver absolutely shit himself, swerved over the road, nearly hit a bus, mounted the path and slammed his brakes on inches away from a shop window. I say "Fuck me mate you're a bit jumpy ain't ye , nearly fucking killed us, I only tapped ye on the shoulder" ! The driver turned round and says "Am so sorry mate jesus christ, its only my first day I've been driving a hearse for the past 20 years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4i1i5/jumped_in_the_back_of_a_taxi_earlier_on/
%
Just had a call from the bank

I've just had a call from the bank, I've got enough money to last the rest of my life
.
.
.
.
.
If I die by 1600 **(4pm)** today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4i0pr/just_had_a_call_from_the_bank/
%
My girlfriend bought me the kamasutra last year

Which put me in a very awkward position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4hl6v/my_girlfriend_bought_me_the_kamasutra_last_year/
%
Have you guys tried my new Texan pasta dish?

It's y'all dente

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4hel0/have_you_guys_tried_my_new_texan_pasta_dish/
%
I took the shell off my racing snail to see if it would make it go any faster

It just made it more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4h2z8/i_took_the_shell_off_my_racing_snail_to_see_if_it/
%
Have you heard about the man that had five penises ?

His boxers fit like a glove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4gt99/have_you_heard_about_the_man_that_had_five_penises/
%
Why does Mexico never win gold in the Olympics?

Because the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are already in America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4gklm/why_does_mexico_never_win_gold_in_the_olympics/
%
People say Good things Always come to an end

With That logic, I'm probably gonna live forever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4gj93/people_say_good_things_always_come_to_an_end/
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What's the difference between Bud Light and the clitoris?

The clitoris only tastes like piss for a couple seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4giho/whats_the_difference_between_bud_light_and_the/
%
A businessman, an immigrant, and a White American worker are sitting at a table with 100 cookies

The business man eats 99 of the cookies and then slides the last one across the table towards the immigrant. Then he looks at the white American and says, "that immigrant is going to eat your cookie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4gi84/a_businessman_an_immigrant_and_a_white_american/
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If Chinese music is called C-pop, Korean music is called K-pop, and Japanese music is called J-pop, what do you call Drake's music?

Crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4g28c/if_chinese_music_is_called_cpop_korean_music_is/
%
What do you call James Bond in a jacuzzi?

Bubble-0 Seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4fvku/what_do_you_call_james_bond_in_a_jacuzzi/
%
What’s the difference between a slug and a gamer?

A gamer gets salty when they die, but a slug dies when it gets salty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ftt7/whats_the_difference_between_a_slug_and_a_gamer/
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This one goes out to the Physicists

Genie: Alright, you’ve got one wish.
Me: I wish I had a hat.
Genîe: weîrd, but ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4fq43/this_one_goes_out_to_the_physicists/
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A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4fluv/a_politician_dies/
%
People always say I have no friends, but that’s not true.

Every girl I’ve asked out wants to be friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4fg3m/people_always_say_i_have_no_friends_but_thats_not/
%
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall...

They were amazed by almost everything the saw, especially by two shiney, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.The boy asks his father,"What is this thing father?"
The father responded,"Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life,I don't have the slightest clue."
While the boy and his dad continued to watch,an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and entered a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his dad watched small circles of light with numbers above the walls light up.They continued to watch as the numbers began a reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.The father said to his son,"Go get your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4fdbx/an_amish_boy_and_his_father_were_visiting_a_mall/
%
Virgins are people who just don't care.

They don't give a fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4f529/virgins_are_people_who_just_dont_care/
%
Disaster strikes as an airplane loses control and falls in the ocean.

Two friends are watching the news on the accident.
Mike:" Dude, that is terrible."
John:"I don't think it is that terrible."
Mike:"How could you say that?"
John:"Compared to the amount of accidents in the world, it is merely a drop in the ocean."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ezgh/disaster_strikes_as_an_airplane_loses_control_and/
%
I’ve been diagnosed with a fear of giants.

It’s called Feefiphobia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ew5r/ive_been_diagnosed_with_a_fear_of_giants/
%
Germany is a pretty weird country. If you deny the Holocaust, you go to jail.

But if you organize one, you are promoted to Reich Chancellor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4eswt/germany_is_a_pretty_weird_country_if_you_deny_the/
%
Why did the nercophiliac-narcoleptic funeral director get fired?

Because he fell asleep in the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4epu0/why_did_the_nercophiliacnarcoleptic_funeral/
%
I identify as a Michael Jackson

My pronouns are "he, he".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4elso/i_identify_as_a_michael_jackson/
%
In the USA, before walking in the bathroom you’re an American, and when you walk out of the bathroom you’re an American. What are you when you’re inside?

European.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ejx2/in_the_usa_before_walking_in_the_bathroom_youre/
%
When you are telling a story to identical twins, make sure you tell them the complete version.

It’s very difficult to tell them a part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ecs9/when_you_are_telling_a_story_to_identical_twins/
%
You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4eak9/you_know_when_you_get_the_urge_to_eat_something/
%
When Trump is outed as a Russian spy...

Can we call him Agent Orange?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ea78/when_trump_is_outed_as_a_russian_spy/
%
An AT&T installer asked me for the time.

I told him it was some time between 8am and noon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ea1y/an_att_installer_asked_me_for_the_time/
%
A priest, a rabbi and a monk walk into a bar.

The waiter sees them and asks:
"What's this, some sort of joke?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4e7dc/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_monk_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Two guys named Ray walk into a bar . .

They tell the bartender “This place sucked until we walked in here.”  “Why’s that?”  Says the bartender.
“Because we’re Rays in the bar!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4e6ho/two_guys_named_ray_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A solid gold toilet was stolen from Winston Churchill's birthplace...

The police have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4dmfy/a_solid_gold_toilet_was_stolen_from_winston/
%
What did the nurse say to the patient who swallowed Scrabble tiles?

Don't worry, you'll have a vowel movement soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4dloz/what_did_the_nurse_say_to_the_patient_who/
%
What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

Boeing boeing boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4dl85/what_sound_does_a_747_make_when_it_bounces/
%
Execution is click bait...

because ***YOU WILL BE SHOCKED!!***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4dh67/execution_is_click_bait/
%
A man walks by a school...

As he reaches the end of the building he noticed the kindergarten play pen and a sign reading 'Watch for Children'. He immediately walks over to the kindergarten play pen and called over the nearest Teacher. Out of his pocket the man pulls out one Timex and two Rolexes and exclaims "I'll take those three".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4dgwe/a_man_walks_by_a_school/
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What is Kamala Harris’ favorite kind of charcuterie?

Proseciutto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4dgdg/what_is_kamala_harris_favorite_kind_of_charcuterie/
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I just read Narcissus's book

I could write better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4dgcv/i_just_read_narcissuss_book/
%
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.

It's spine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4deqs/i_think_my_back_hurts_im_okay_though/
%
Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4da6b/just_saw_a_coke_can_get_crushed_in_front_of_his/
%
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

They have big fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4d6tg/why_do_gorillas_have_big_nostrils/
%
Are we going to address the elephant in the room?

Yes, but it’ll cost a fortune in shipping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4d3zl/are_we_going_to_address_the_elephant_in_the_room/
%
At what temperature are babies born?

About womb temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4d3xj/at_what_temperature_are_babies_born/
%
My Scottish girlfriend was feeling homesick so I decided to try and make a homemade haggis to cheer her up.

I thought I had a fairly strong constitution but as soon as I starting mixing the heart, lungs and kidneys I realised I didn't have the stomach for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4czq4/my_scottish_girlfriend_was_feeling_homesick_so_i/
%
A normal Winter day in Australia

Son: Dad, I'm cold.
Dad: Go stand in a corner.
Son: Why?
Dad: Because it's 90 degrees there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4cwg1/a_normal_winter_day_in_australia/
%
I think the pigeons are planning an uprising.

They keep saying coup, coup, coup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4cuve/i_think_the_pigeons_are_planning_an_uprising/
%
What do you call it when a pirate has chronic sleeping problems?

Restless Peg Syndrome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4co5y/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_pirate_has_chronic/
%
What do you call it when you fuck your dad's sister?

Up the ante

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4clol/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_fuck_your_dads_sister/
%
How do you get a fat girl in bed?

Piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ciae/how_do_you_get_a_fat_girl_in_bed/
%
What Rhymes with “Freudian slips”?

“My mother’s tits”, oh shit I meant to say paper clips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4cfgs/what_rhymes_with_freudian_slips/
%
Joke from my 4 year old today

Son-Dad what did one hand say to the other?
Me-What bud?
Son-You sure do look handsome.
Followed by laughter and a full explanation of the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ca4a/joke_from_my_4_year_old_today/
%
I nearly married my last girlfriend...

... she was another one of my near Mrs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4c6xd/i_nearly_married_my_last_girlfriend/
%
I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4c66j/i_said_to_the_gym_instructor_can_you_teach_me_to/
%
If saw an apple store being robbed...

Does that make me an iWitness?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4c5ve/if_saw_an_apple_store_being_robbed/
%
The Chinese invented two major components of American schools.

Paper and gunpowder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4c4xb/the_chinese_invented_two_major_components_of/
%
Orion’s Belt is just a big waist of space.

Terrible joke. Only three stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4c2c0/orions_belt_is_just_a_big_waist_of_space/
%
I just put my root beer in a square cup.

Now it is just a beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4c0e8/i_just_put_my_root_beer_in_a_square_cup/
%
I sent my hearing aids in for repair last month.

I haven't heard from them since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4byti/i_sent_my_hearing_aids_in_for_repair_last_month/
%
My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records...

...until the librarian kicked me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4btcx/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4bcej/what_kind_of_lights_did_noah_have_on_the_ark/
%
I thought I saw a shooting star but turns out it was dust on the telescope...

Turns out it was a meteor-wrong!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4bbzs/i_thought_i_saw_a_shooting_star_but_turns_out_it/
%
DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.
HER: That's so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4b6w7/date_so_what_do_you_do/
%
I’d tell you a Jesus joke,

But I doubt I’d nail it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4b3xs/id_tell_you_a_jesus_joke/
%
When I first learned how to count, I found it very strange at the beginning.

It was odd at first, even then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4b35j/when_i_first_learned_how_to_count_i_found_it_very/
%
Doctor: Take 1 of these pills everyday for the rest of your life

Patient: But there's only seven pills in here!
Doctor: Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4b06y/doctor_take_1_of_these_pills_everyday_for_the/
%
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?

Because they’re not tenants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ayyo/why_do_9_ants_get_to_live_in_an_apartment_for_free/
%
You won't believe how 90% people discovered they cant avoid clickbait!

Apparently you are in the 90%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4aus6/you_wont_believe_how_90_people_discovered_they/
%
During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"
Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4atxx/during_allied_invasion_in_occupied_germany_about/
%
My dad is awesome, he’s a shape shifter

I know this because every time he and mom have sex he looks like a different person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4asjq/my_dad_is_awesome_hes_a_shape_shifter/
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I’m never going bungee jumping

A broken rubber brought me into this world so I’m not gonna let one take me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ajp2/im_never_going_bungee_jumping/
%
What did the grape say when it got crushed?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4aia1/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_got_crushed/
%
What do you call a car that flirts?

A pickup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4ahwv/what_do_you_call_a_car_that_flirts/
%
RIP boiling water.

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4a89v/rip_boiling_water/
%
What do you call a pantless Nicolas Cage?

Knicker-less Cage....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4a1pu/what_do_you_call_a_pantless_nicolas_cage/
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What do you call a dinosaur that's always in a hurry?

A pronto-saurus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d49rnv/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_thats_always_in_a/
%
In the past, I was so broke I couldn’t afford the electricity bill...

Those were the darkest days of my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d49nva/in_the_past_i_was_so_broke_i_couldnt_afford_the/
%
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk...

...was walking through the cemetery and heard some  strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.  Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable  music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town  magistrate.  When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a  moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being  played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and  it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening;  "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate;  he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the  cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d49nd5/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
%
My twin brother called me from prison yesterday.

He said: "You know how we finish each other's sentences?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d49ark/my_twin_brother_called_me_from_prison_yesterday/
%
I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food

After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d495fj/i_ate_a_dangerous_amount_of_mexican_food/
%
My first day on the sub

So I'm new on a submarine, and speak with the officer, who assigns me my post: "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touches the periscope."
I follow orders and stand by the periscope. After 15 minutes, my officer stops by: "Recruit, I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
So I obey and head to the mess hall. I've cleaned about 3 dishes when my officer walks up again: "Listen here, recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
Again, I follow orders and head off to the supply room. There, I see a fellow crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," I say to him, "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
"Oh yeah, this sub is full of reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d492yb/my_first_day_on_the_sub/
%
My fence was dirty

So I had to picket clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d491lf/my_fence_was_dirty/
%
A Taxi driver walked into a bar

"Anyone here call a taxi?" He asked
"Over there" replied a stern voice.
The Taxi driver turned his head to see a gruff old man pointing to a young fellow in his thirties snoozing at a table.
The taxi driver walked over to the young man and saw a note next to his head.
"Wake me up" said the note.
So the taxi driver nudged the man until he opened his eyes.
The young man stretched his limbs and asked "Are you my driver?"
The taxi driver nodded.
"Thank you very much for waking me up. I didn't get much sleep last night, but I need to get to my home town. I've called up many drivers, but none of them felt comfortable coming inside the bar. You're the only one who would wake me up inside."
"Where to?" He asked.
"Back to hometown" Replied the man. "In a town called Life a few hours down south. My dad, Evan, runs an essential oils shop, Essence, down there and my house is right by there."
"No problem." Replied the driver
They walked to his car and suddenly heard shouting.
"SAVE ME" A young woman was hanging on the edge of a rooftop barely holding onto the grip of a young man. Sadly neither of them were strong enough and she fell to her death.
An hour later, after giving the police their statements, they finally entered the taxi.
"Hey sir, I'm sorry, but after all that happened I forgot where to bring you. Would you mind repeating your destination?"
"No problem" Said the young man.
"Bring me to Life by Evan's Essence"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d490qm/a_taxi_driver_walked_into_a_bar/
%
I am ironman.

God and Adam are having an argument one day over who is the strongest and most versatile creature in creation.
"The leopard can run faster than anything on land and the elephant contains the strength of one hundred of you," God told Adam.
Adam glared at God defiantly, "But I can outthink the leopard and train the elephant to my will. My strength lay in my brain, and my strength is iron."
God saw this was true and decided to cause Adam to go into a deep sleep. From Adam he created Eve. When Adam woke and saw the new creation, he marveled, his will broke with the beauty that stood before him.
God smugly looked at the pair and told Adam, "She will command your will with an iron gauntlet and in her figure, your thoughts will melt. What she commands, you will slave to obey, for your loins will yearn for her. She is the true temper of iron. She is Fe-male."
note: this is just my attempt at some original material. it did bring a chuckle to some other people so I decided to post it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d48sza/i_am_ironman/
%
A friend came over to help move some furniture but ended up with a hernia

And now it looks like he's just going to hang out for the rest of the day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d48q4a/a_friend_came_over_to_help_move_some_furniture/
%
At classroom

Teacher: Name something that starts with E you are good at it.
Student: Spelling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d48l0d/at_classroom/
%
I met my ex on a racetrack...

...We drifted apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d48kzl/i_met_my_ex_on_a_racetrack/
%
What rhymes with Orange

No it doesn’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d48jj6/what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
How much sleep do we all need?

Just 5 more minutes..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d48gsg/how_much_sleep_do_we_all_need/
%
So Jeremy Corbyn went to see the Queen.

Jeremy Corbyn asked the Queen. "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient organisation? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well." Said the Queen. "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Jeremy Corbyn then asked. "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"
Prince Charles walked into the room and said. Yes, Mother?
The Queen smiled and said to Charles. "Answer me this please Charles. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered. "That would be me."
"Yes, very good!" Said the Queen.
Ah ha I get it said Jeremy, thank you Ma'am. And in a great rush he left.
Corbyn went back to Parliament and decided to ask Diane Abbott the same question.
"Diane, answer this for me." "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure." Said Abbott. And then in true Diane Abbott style she went on to say. "Let me get back to you on that one."
She went to her advisers and asked everyone, but none could give her an answer.
Frustrated, Diane went for a coffee and met Nigel Farage. "Nigel, see if you can answer this question."
"Okay." Replied Nigel.
"Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Farage immediately answered,."8That's easy, it's me!"
Abbott grinned and said. "Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"
Abbott then, went back to find Corbyn and said to him. "Jeremy, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle
'If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister, the child is Nigel Farage!"'
Corbyn went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Abbott, and yelled in her face. "No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d48eyb/so_jeremy_corbyn_went_to_see_the_queen/
%
What do two snakes do after fighting?

They hiss and make up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d48dmk/what_do_two_snakes_do_after_fighting/
%
A man went to a petstore

There he saw a parrot. The seller saw him looking and told him,
"That parrot can learn to say anything."
The man thought that sounded cool, so he bought the parrot. He went home and said to the parrot,
"I can talk"
"I can talk," the parrot repeated.
"I can walk"
"I can walk," the parrot repeated.
"I can fly"
"I doubt it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d48an4/a_man_went_to_a_petstore/
%
Have cryptozoologists ever proven the existence of a mythical creature?

Not yeti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4813e/have_cryptozoologists_ever_proven_the_existence/
%
Did you hear about the man who was raped by a sex robot in an aisle of Home Depot?

All he asked for was a machine screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d47y03/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_was_raped_by_a_sex/
%
Showerthoughts are great.

But typically I take baths so I can really soak it all in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d47tb0/showerthoughts_are_great/
%
What do you call a broke Nicolas Cage?

Nickel-less Cage...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d47s1b/what_do_you_call_a_broke_nicolas_cage/
%
A man had 3 girlfriends...

He wanted to settle down finally and marry someone. He had no idea about whom to choose, so he gave each one of them 10k$ and asked them to spend it in the best way possible.
The first one bought clothes and cosmetics for herself.
The second one put it in her savings saying it will help them in raising their baby.
The third one gave lent the money with interest and got 5k$ extra.
In the end he married the one with the biggest boobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d47psb/a_man_had_3_girlfriends/
%
Doctor: We had to remove your colon.

Patient Why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d47pdp/doctor_we_had_to_remove_your_colon/
%
Some asshole just blew sandalwood smoke in my face.

I'm incensed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d47fwf/some_asshole_just_blew_sandalwood_smoke_in_my_face/
%
Where did Suzie go after she got lost in a minefield?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d47fr1/where_did_suzie_go_after_she_got_lost_in_a/
%
Police: who’s car is this, where are you going.what do you do

Miner: Mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d47fhf/police_whos_car_is_this_where_are_you_goingwhat/
%
I’d make a joke about this app...

But you’ve probably reddit before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d47cbm/id_make_a_joke_about_this_app/
%
Why did they make the hand on the Statue 11 inches long.

Well if they made it 12 inches it would have
been a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d478g1/why_did_they_make_the_hand_on_the_statue_11/
%
What did Batman put in Mr. Freeze's drink?

Just ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d474ud/what_did_batman_put_in_mr_freezes_drink/
%
I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking

Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d46yqs/i_was_watching_a_porno_the_other_day_and_it_was/
%
Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfur, Sodium, and Phosphorus walk into a bar.

OHSNaP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d46uvz/oxygen_hydrogen_sulfur_sodium_and_phosphorus_walk/
%
I once new a guy who loved tractors, but one day he sadly fell off his tractor and broke his arm and vowed to never go near a tractor again.

A few months later after coming home from a night out with his friends and with his buddy in tow, he arrived home to find his house on fire.
He immediately rushed inside took the deepest breath he could and inhaled all of the smoke, and all of the flames.
His now bewildered friend asked him how he did it, with an amazed expression glazed across his face.
‘I’m an ex-tractor fan’ he replied nonchalantly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d46scp/i_once_new_a_guy_who_loved_tractors_but_one_day/
%
What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups?

A blunderbuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d46odn/what_do_you_call_a_road_vehicle_designed_to_carry/
%
I’ve started a Harry Potter themed food blog.

Fantastic Feasts and Where to Find Them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d46mo1/ive_started_a_harry_potter_themed_food_blog/
%
What do you call a Swedish cell phone made by a car company?

iKia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d46lad/what_do_you_call_a_swedish_cell_phone_made_by_a/
%
There’s been a rash of laryngitis sweeping through the Scandinavian equine circuit

Quick! Call the Hoarse Norse Horse Nurse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d46k63/theres_been_a_rash_of_laryngitis_sweeping_through/
%
Did you hear the joke about the broken pencil?

Don't bother, it's pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d468le/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_broken_pencil/
%
Why do old people love golf?

It’s all about getting the least strokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d45pc9/why_do_old_people_love_golf/
%
What do you call a russian tree?

A dimitree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d45dgz/what_do_you_call_a_russian_tree/
%
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with

…so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d45bmg/3_guys_are_on_a_boat_with_4_cigarettes_but/
%
A dad is lost in the Dad Joke Hall of Fame...

He's looking around when he comes upon a hallway full of people. At the other end of the hallway he sees a boxer just knocking people out one at a time. So, he quickly pushes past all of the people and asks the boxer,
"Excuse me sir, is this the punchline?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d44zt5/a_dad_is_lost_in_the_dad_joke_hall_of_fame/
%
I cured my Alzheimer’s by wanking in the wind.

It’s all cumming back to me now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d44xd7/i_cured_my_alzheimers_by_wanking_in_the_wind/
%
My tuktuk got stuck earlier in the mud

False advertising should be called a stuckstuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d44mnj/my_tuktuk_got_stuck_earlier_in_the_mud/
%
How do you know if a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d44enf/how_do_you_know_if_a_politician_is_lying/
%
A German, a Japanese and an Italian are in jail and have one month left before their death sentence. The warden comes up to them and says : "I will grant freedom to whichever makes the best invention within a month!"

The three inmates are baffled and each determined to make it to freedom.
"I will need a lab and this list of materials and tools" Says the German, to which the warden replies : "Granted!"
"Give me three assistants and these things" Says the Japanese, as he hands over a list of various items, "Granted!" Says the warden.
"A dozen of whores, lots of booze and weed please!" Says the Italian, the warden is surprised, but decides to give him what he demands.
A month later, the warden comes back to check on the results of the convicts' work and starts with the German : "I've made a rocket that will travel to the moon, make a turn around it and come back to its exact takeoff position in less than one minute"
A live test ensues and the rocket makes it around the moon but lands 100 feet away from its initial position. Amazed, the warden says "We might have a winner here!"
"I've made a jet that travels at the speed of light, it will fly around the earth and come back to its exact takeoff position in less than a second" says the Japanese.
No one believed him at first, but he presses a button and sure enough the jet does fly around earth and lands 50 feet away from its starting position in a blink of an eye.
Everyone is astonished, "Impressive! You might have won this, but let's see what the Italian made before I make my judgement" Says the warden.
"I will now pee out of my belly button" Replies the confident Italian man. Everyone's jaw drops, and they wonder how he would do that.
The Italian proceeds to take his pants off, whip out his penis and pee like any other person would.
"But that's not your belly button!" Complains the confused warden.
"No it's not", says the Italian, "but you forgive the German for 100 feet, the Japanese for 50 feet, and you're complaining about less than 10 inches?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d44dhy/a_german_a_japanese_and_an_italian_are_in_jail/
%
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender  "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bartender reply's "$5".  The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d44ctk/a_guy_walks_into_the_bar_of_a_restaurant_and_goes/
%
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Crippling depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d442j4/why_didnt_the_skeleton_go_to_the_party/
%
Why do we have two ears?

Because every ear needs an ear-bud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d441qh/why_do_we_have_two_ears/
%
A man takes the day off of work to go golfing

A man takes the day off work to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit, 9 iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit, 9 iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his club away and grabs his 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit, lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" The man asks.
"Ribbit, 3 wood."
He takes out a 3 wood and WHAM!, hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, The man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Las Vegas." They arive at Las Vegas at a casino. He says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit, roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit, $300,000, black, 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, He figures what the heck.Whoosh! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man uses some of his winnings to pay for the best hotel room he can find "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money, and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, kiss me."
He figures, why not? Since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honnor, is how she ended up in my room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4403v/a_man_takes_the_day_off_of_work_to_go_golfing/
%
Did you hear about the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

It was udder destruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43ync/did_you_hear_about_the_cow_that_jumped_over_the/
%
Mountain ranges aren't just funny

They're hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43qgr/mountain_ranges_arent_just_funny/
%
What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

An optimist created the airplane; a pessimist created the seat belts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43qea/whats_the_difference_between_an_optimist_and_a/
%
A lady walks into the library, asking for books on paranoia

The librarian whispers, "*they're right behind you*".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43q0g/a_lady_walks_into_the_library_asking_for_books_on/
%
What is the heart-y version of Cardi B

Cardi O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43pzd/what_is_the_hearty_version_of_cardi_b/
%
Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I'm not joking, but he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43olc/stephen_king_has_a_son_named_joe/
%
There’s one advantage to being 102 years old.

There’s no peer pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43n8k/theres_one_advantage_to_being_102_years_old/
%
My friend is addicted to buying ladders

He uses them to get high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43ly0/my_friend_is_addicted_to_buying_ladders/
%
My son just had his first day at the British Museum, his first task was to guard a multi million pound glass vase...

Apparently he said he smashed it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43leo/my_son_just_had_his_first_day_at_the_british/
%
How do you divide by Zero?

By becoming a kamikaze and splitting a ship in half

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43js6/how_do_you_divide_by_zero/
%
A perfectionist walks in to a bar

He walks out again because the bar wasn't set high enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43ir5/a_perfectionist_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
Wanna hear a roof joke?

Alright, the first one's on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43hic/wanna_hear_a_roof_joke/
%
(Nsfw) The lone ranger and Tonto are travelling when they are captured by a band of outlaws

They bury the Lone ranger up to his neck in the dirt. The outlaws ask the lone ranger if he has any last requests before they leave him to die.
"Yes I do, tonto come here a moment"
Tonto comes over and the lone ranger whispers something in his ear. Suddenly tonto makes a run for it, mounts a horse and rides off.
The outlaw leader tells his friends to leave him, as he will be back to get his friend. No point chasing him.
The outlaws build a campfire and the night passes.
The next morning the outlaws and the lone ranger are woken by the sound of horses approaching. Tonto has come back and alongside him mounted on a horse is a fat woman in her mid 20s with skimpy clothing.
Tonto dismounts and helps the fat woman off her horse. She immediately removes her skirt and underwear. She then goes over to the lone ranger and, separating her legs, straddles his face.
She let's him have firsts, seconds and thirds on her pussy before getting up.
The outlaw asks "can you die a happy man now lone ranger?"
The lone ranger replies " that was lovely tonto, but not exactly what I meant when I said run along and round up a large posse"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43elx/nsfw_the_lone_ranger_and_tonto_are_travelling/
%
What do you call a bar or mini fridge

A Fridget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43cky/what_do_you_call_a_bar_or_mini_fridge/
%
A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?

The Nun, very upset, says “NO! I am married to God!!" and gets off the bus disgusted.
The bus driver sees all this. He tells the hippie “She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard...
why don't you dress up in a hooded robe; go to the graveyard and tell her you are God and demand sex?"
The Hippie tries this and to his surprise, the nun says “Yes but only if we have anal sex as I want to keep my virginity"
They have passionate anal sex
and when they are done the hippie throws off his robe and cries “ha ha, I'm the Hippie”.
The nun throws off her robe and cries out “ha ha, I'm the Bus Driver!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d43bwb/a_hippie_sits_next_to_a_young_nun_on_the_bus_and/
%
I met my wife on the net

We were both rubbish trapeze artists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d432g6/i_met_my_wife_on_the_net/
%
I started dating a blind girl,

But when her friend asked her, she said she was seeing no one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d431he/i_started_dating_a_blind_girl/
%
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d42tsq/what_do_an_alcoholic_and_a_necrophiliac_have_in/
%
Sometimes I try to sneak into the Intensive Care Unit to tell bad puns, but they always stop me by saying

ICU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d42jar/sometimes_i_try_to_sneak_into_the_intensive_care/
%
I over heard some sexist guy claim, “Women are the weaker sex.” So, I kindly reminded him

that technically all women are Body Builders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d42f80/i_over_heard_some_sexist_guy_claim_women_are_the/
%
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A Roamin Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d42am7/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
%
"Son, you're just not cut out to be a mime"

"Was it something I said?"
"Yes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d41x3g/son_youre_just_not_cut_out_to_be_a_mime/
%
Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup***   do it to my tea!
Magician: ***waves hand***   done!
om: ***holding cup***   it didn’t work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d41vw9/magician_i_can_make_anything_disappear/
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A wife tells her husband “I want us to have a great weekend”

The Husband replies....
“Ok I’ll see you Monday then”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d41q4j/a_wife_tells_her_husband_i_want_us_to_have_a/
%
I Really hate Russian Dolls...

so full of themselves.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d41o96/i_really_hate_russian_dolls/
%
"Private Foley!!"

- "Sir yes Sir!"
- "I didn't see you at the camouflage exercise, Private!"
-"Thank you Sir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d41mom/private_foley/
%
Bread is like the sun

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d41klb/bread_is_like_the_sun/
%
The nice about putting a strangler behind bars.

Is that afterwards everyone can breathe a little bit easier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d41jc3/the_nice_about_putting_a_strangler_behind_bars/
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Did you hear about the bank manager who was caught having an affair with an employee?

They were fired for having safe sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d419ok/did_you_hear_about_the_bank_manager_who_was/
%
“Doctor!!! I’m extremely constipated!! I haven’t pooped in weeks!!!””

Doctor:  “No shit?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d418ee/doctor_im_extremely_constipated_i_havent_pooped/
%
What do you call a religious pile of hay?

A Christian bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d415sg/what_do_you_call_a_religious_pile_of_hay/
%
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something to make her look sexy...

So I got drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d415f0/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_go_out_and_get_something/
%
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d41552/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table_the_son_asks_the/
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My friend got into hot water with a cult of mimes

They committed unspeakable acts of violence against him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d414e3/my_friend_got_into_hot_water_with_a_cult_of_mimes/
%
Don't call me virgin

I prefer the term 'Sex Debutant'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d40pea/dont_call_me_virgin/
%
Everybody don't want sam to sing

But samsung anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d40oy9/everybody_dont_want_sam_to_sing/
%
Why did Oppenheimer invent the atomic bomb?

Because he wanted the world to lighten up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d40ox7/why_did_oppenheimer_invent_the_atomic_bomb/
%
Here’s a dad joke for you all

One day, a magician was driving down the road.
Then poof, he turned into the driveway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d40i46/heres_a_dad_joke_for_you_all/
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What's the difference between a genie and an academic?

One grants wishes, the other wishes for grants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d40ew4/whats_the_difference_between_a_genie_and_an/
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My doctor told me I have a baby dick...

Then he asked where the rest of the baby was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d40bw4/my_doctor_told_me_i_have_a_baby_dick/
%
I went to a middle school dance back in the day.

It was kinda lame, looking back on it. The music was bad, they ran out of food, and there wasn’t even a punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d40bm7/i_went_to_a_middle_school_dance_back_in_the_day/
%
What is the definition of confidence?

When your wife catches you in bed with another woman, you slap her on the ass and say "You're next!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d406to/what_is_the_definition_of_confidence/
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Two fish are in a tank.

There are two fish in a tank.
One asks the other: Do you know how to drive this thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d40698/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
My wife found out I was cheating and broke up with me

I didn't know Monopoly was such a big deal for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d4067i/my_wife_found_out_i_was_cheating_and_broke_up/
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In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city for a week. He would keep the city free of crime and malice by driving around in his Breadmobile.
Our hero had his enemies and allies, of course. Chief among his enemies was a man simply known as Dr. Cobra. Dr. Cobra and his pet snake strove to sow the seeds of discord in Loafington, and he came up with elaborate plot after elaborate plot, that was always foiled by Wonderbread. And Wonderbread counted among his allies, the brilliant Yeastboy, a child prodigy who had volunteered to act as his sidekick. Yeastboy's real name was Hunter Godwin, though the press didn't know that.
On one particular day, Dr. Cobra had infiltrated the city's water supply, intending to use his venom to give everyone a terrible stomachache. Our heroes leaped into the Breadmobile and raced to the scene, driving at a breakneck pace.
When they arrived, their first enemy was Dr. Cobra's pet snake. A towering beast, far larger than any normal snake, it swayed and slithered, ready to strike if they got any closer.
"I know," said Yeastboy, who threw a couple of buns forwards. "That'll distract him!"
The snake seemed... unimpressed.
"No, Hunter," Wonderbread said, applying the wisdom of years. "*This* is how you fight snakes."
And Wonderbread clapped his hands together, and summoned indian flatbread to fall from the sky. The snake glanced up, and immediately slithered to eat at the bread.
"Wha- how did you know?" Wonderbread asked.
"The anconda don't want naan unless you've got buns, Hunter," he nodded sagely. "Now hurry, Dr. Cobra is getting away!"
They leaped into the Breadmobile, chasing down the Doctor. However, with their vehicle driving so quickly, any and all of the dough and bread and pastry they fired at the doctor couldn't possibly hit him, instead flying backwards as a tasty treat for some citizen.
"What do we do?" screamed Hunter.
"I have a plan. It's... not something I would normally consider, but I don't think I have a choice," Wonderbread said, stepping down harder on the accelerator.
"You're not gonna... ram him, are you?" Hunter asked.
"That's right," he said, solemnly, as if he too were afraid of the implication. "I'm going to brake bread with the enemy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d405nt/in_the_city_of_loafington_there_lived_a_superhero/
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What do you call an Italian prostitute?

Spaghetti-ho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3zvaj/what_do_you_call_an_italian_prostitute/
%
My daughter asked for a Cinderella Themed Party.

So I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3zteb/my_daughter_asked_for_a_cinderella_themed_party/
%
They say having sex is the equivalent of running 5 miles

Who runs 5 miles in 10 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3zt91/they_say_having_sex_is_the_equivalent_of_running/
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A man was walking home down a dark street at night. As he was walking, he heard this thumping....

He stopped and looked, and there was nothing there. It seemed to have stopped. He continued on. Then he heard more thumping, and he knew he wasn't crazy. He turned, and what he saw horrified him. A coffin was thumping after him! He ran. The coffin on his tail. He ran to his house. He closed and locked the door, and the coffin broke right through. He ran up the stairs. The coffin went up the stairs. He locked himself in the bathroom, and closed the door in a blind panic. The coffin hit the door. It hit the door, hit it, and hit it again. The guy grabbed the closest object he could to defend himself. He grabbed cough medicine. The coffin broke through the door. The man threw the cough medicine at the coffin, and the coffin stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3zsnv/a_man_was_walking_home_down_a_dark_street_at/
%
When my sister was younger

She had a tooth come out, I managed to get to the tooth before our mom or dad got to it, and along with a quarter I left a note that said,
"Dear *****, I left a quarter for your tooth this time, but next time I'm bringing the pliers. HAHAHAHAHA!!!".
The screams I heard the next morning were hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3zqwm/when_my_sister_was_younger/
%
Whenever I travel I like to open a window.

The airline strongly disagrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3zllx/whenever_i_travel_i_like_to_open_a_window/
%
Why do riot cops get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3zk7s/why_do_riot_cops_get_to_work_early/
%
Little Sally came home with a smile.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3zi4r/little_sally_came_home_with_a_smile/
%
Once upon a time 2 kids were playing hide and seek

Their names were Shut Up, and Trouble. It was Trouble's turn to seek, so Shut Up went and ran into his neighbor's yard. His neighbor went onto his front lawn, upon seeing Shut Up he asked "what's your name, and why are you on my property?" to which Shut Up calmly replied, "Shut Up"
Neighbor: what did you say to me?
Shut Up: I said Shut Up
Neighbor: Son tell me your name right now! or I will go get your parents!
Shut Up: \*slowly\* S H U T U P
Neighbor: ALLRIGHT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR TROUBLE BOY?
Shut Up: No Trouble's looking for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3zhne/once_upon_a_time_2_kids_were_playing_hide_and_seek/
%
Me: Doc, will I be ok?

Doctor: I doubt it based off the fact that Mercury is in Uranus right now.
Me: I don't believe in all of that astrology stuff.
Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke in your ass though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3zg97/me_doc_will_i_be_ok/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar. He's ordering some drinks when he notices that there are two large pieces of meat stuck to the ceiling. So he asks the barman why they're there. The barman says, "Well, it's part of a little game I have going here. You've got to try and get those down from the ceiling without using a chair or a pool cue or anything else. If you manage, I'll give you $200. But if you try it and you don't succeed, you've gotta give me $200."
So the guy eyes up the ceiling for a while, and eventually turns back to the barman and says, "No, I'm not going to try it." Of course, the barman says, "Why not? Look it's easy, all you've gotta do is get them down off the ceiling." And the guy shakes his head and says, "No, no, I can't do it. The steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3zerq/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two nude statues...

Two nude statues - one of a man, one of a woman - stand on opposite corners of a park, facing each other. After decades, a fairy godmother sees them and, feeling impish, turns them human. "You have an hour to do anything you like, then it's back on the pedestals with you."
The woman looks at the man and asks, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
He looks at her and says, "Absolutely."
They rush into the bushes, hand-in-hand, and excessive grunting and thrashing can be heard. A half-hour later, he steps out, looks at the park clock and calls back into the bushes, "Okay, time's half up. Now you hold the pigeons while I shit on them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3zdne/two_nude_statues/
%
A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - you have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3zcoz/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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There was a Chinese man who was obsessed with spoonerisms

He loved drinking chai tea and doing tai chi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3z5dk/there_was_a_chinese_man_who_was_obsessed_with/
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What are zebras good for?

For holding up ze german boobies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3z527/what_are_zebras_good_for/
%
The worst part of buying a feng shui book...

is trying to figure out where to put it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3z2zo/the_worst_part_of_buying_a_feng_shui_book/
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3z1ae/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
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If I sell an E-Cigarette to a minor.

Is that considered statutory vape?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3z0lc/if_i_sell_an_ecigarette_to_a_minor/
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What’s xxxtentacion’s killers favorite candy?

A jah-breaker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ysl3/whats_xxxtentacions_killers_favorite_candy/
%
What do you call pasta from the hood?

Spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ype6/what_do_you_call_pasta_from_the_hood/
%
What is Timon and Pumbaa's favorite breakfast?

A tuna frittata

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3yowe/what_is_timon_and_pumbaas_favorite_breakfast/
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“Dad, have you seen my sun glasses?”

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ykqk/dad_have_you_seen_my_sun_glasses/
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I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3yg4c/i_dated_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye_once/
%
What's the stupidest kind of fish?

A dumb bass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3y521/whats_the_stupidest_kind_of_fish/
%
What's the problem with building a hotel in space?

The price would be astronomical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3xzfj/whats_the_problem_with_building_a_hotel_in_space/
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[At a restaurant] Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Me: Oh, ok. And for the main course?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3xuf3/at_a_restaurant_her_its_not_working_out_between/
%
Never try to shove a piece of a window up your ass.

Its a real pane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3xs5f/never_try_to_shove_a_piece_of_a_window_up_your_ass/
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Teacher sex...

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3xmvn/teacher_sex/
%
A farmer took out an ad to sell one of his horses

The day the ad appeared in the paper, he heard a knock on his door.
When he opened the door, he didn't see anyone there.
"I'm down heah," said voice.  The man looked down to see a dwarf there, standing no more than 2 1/2 feet tall.  "I'm come to see the horse you have for sale.  Wet me see it."
The farmer led the dwarf out to the corral, which they both entered.  The dwarf asked, '"Is this a stallion or a may-ah?"
"A what?" asked the farmer.
"A may-ah.  I female."
"Oh, a mare.  Yes, this is a mare."
"Fine.  Wet me see her teeth."
"Look all you want," said the farmer.
"No, no.  You must bwing me up so I can see them."
The farmer hoisted the dwarf up so that he was eye-level with the horse.  The dwarf look at the horse's teeth and seemed satisfied.
"Now, wet me see her withehs."
"Her what?"
"Her withehs, where the back meets the neck."
"Oh, the withers.  Ok."  The farmer hoisted the dwarf up once again, and the dwarf checked out the horse's back and withers.
"Are you about done?" asked the farmer.
"One wast thing.  Wet me see her twat."
The farmer was now getting annoyed at the dwarf, so he hoisted him up and shoved him into the horse's vagina.  After about 20 seconds, he pulled the dwarf out.
The dwarf was wiping his face up and sputtering.  At length he said, "Awwow me to wephwase:  wet me see her gallop!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3xbg3/a_farmer_took_out_an_ad_to_sell_one_of_his_horses/
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My uncle died from a turtle stampede

It was a slow death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3x1d6/my_uncle_died_from_a_turtle_stampede/
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A modern Islamic couple preparing for a religious wedding meet with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man says, “We realize it’s tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.”
“Absolutely not,” says the Mullah. “It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.”
“So, after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?”
“No,” answers the Mullah. “It’s forbidden in Islam.”
“Well, OK,” says the man. “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?”
“Of course!” replies the Mullah. “Alla ho Akber! Sex is OK within a marriage to have children!”
“What about different positions?” asks the man.
“Alla ho Akber! No problem,” says the Mullah.
“Woman on top?” the man asks.
“Sure,” says the Mullah. “Alla ho Akber. Go for it!”
“Doggy style?”
“Sure! Alla ho Akber!”
“On the kitchen table?”
“Yes, yes! Alla ho Akber!”
“Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”
“You may, indeed. Alla ho Akber!”
“Can we do it standing up?”
“No,” says the Mullah.
“Why not?” asks the man.
“Because that could lead to dancing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3x1a3/a_modern_islamic_couple_preparing_for_a_religious/
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What's a kidnapper's favourite shoe?

White vans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3wyjx/whats_a_kidnappers_favourite_shoe/
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I was at the museum recently.

I asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures.
He said no, they had to stay on the walls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3wwr4/i_was_at_the_museum_recently/
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What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whisky, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3wiu6/what_aisle_is_the_polish_sausage_in/
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How do you fight a squirrel looking for a nut?

You beat him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3wcue/how_do_you_fight_a_squirrel_looking_for_a_nut/
%
Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3wcth/never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
Why don’t developers carry guns?

They have troubleshooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3wani/why_dont_developers_carry_guns/
%
How long does a programmer last in bed?

Just a bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3w9jd/how_long_does_a_programmer_last_in_bed/
%
My wife is constantly washing up.

6 times now I have dragged her body out to sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3w5tg/my_wife_is_constantly_washing_up/
%
Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM
A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.
While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 28th, three times just yesterday, and very
likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3w0qu/home_depot_scam/
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What do you call guys who use the pull-out method?

Fathers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3vs9q/what_do_you_call_guys_who_use_the_pullout_method/
%
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in the crack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3vrxx/why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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What does the witch say when she takes off on her broom?

Broom broom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3vmzk/what_does_the_witch_say_when_she_takes_off_on_her/
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What do mexicans say when they find their keys?

aquí!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3vfec/what_do_mexicans_say_when_they_find_their_keys/
%
What do you call guys that use the pull-out method?

Dads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3v7s2/what_do_you_call_guys_that_use_the_pullout_method/
%
Why did Michael Jackson molest young boys?

Becuase his mother always told him dont go around breaking young girls hearts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3v6tm/why_did_michael_jackson_molest_young_boys/
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As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you.

But I can see where you are coming from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3v3gw/as_a_customs_and_immigration_officer_i_might_not/
%
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead...

are stranded on a deserted island. Out of nowhere, a genie appears and said "I grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, you each get one wish."
The brunette says "I wish I was back home!" Poof, she vanishes.
The redhead says "I wish I was home safe with my family." Poof!
The blonde thinks for a minute and says "I can't decide! I wish my friends were here to help!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3uwxx/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead/
%
My girlfriend dumped me while I was lying down on a treadmill

She said "This isn't working out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3us3q/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_while_i_was_lying_down_on/
%
Birthday party

A boy was celebrating his 10th birthday. Because it was his 10th birthday his mom hired a magician. At the party the magician put on a great show, and for the final he disappeared. Everyone clapped and cheered except for the birthday boy. He said "Boo, my dad mastered that trick years ago. Your not even original."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3upij/birthday_party/
%
I tried to take a picture of the desert,

but it was too grainy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ugsq/i_tried_to_take_a_picture_of_the_desert/
%
Helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon and argon walk into a bar.

The bartender shouts at them: "GET OUT!"
They didn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ugd5/helium_neon_argon_krypton_xenon_and_argon_walk/
%
Lawyer in a car accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”
“Oh my god,” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3udt1/lawyer_in_a_car_accident/
%
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ud6o/an_engineer_dies_and_reports_to_the_pearly_gates/
%
I've recently bought a mirror for my bike.

I've never looked back since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ubg6/ive_recently_bought_a_mirror_for_my_bike/
%
What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl?

If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3u5bn/whats_the_difference_between_a_toilet_bowl_and_a/
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[Long] An email from the AFTERLIFE

A Canadian couple needed a vacation in a warm climate at the end of a very cold winter. They booked a suite at an exclusive, Arizona desert resort. Because of a last minute business meeting, the wife had to leave a day later than her husband. After an early flight and then checking in at the resort, the husband unpacked his new notebook computer and sent his wife a quick email. His fingers found the new keyboard a bit awkward at first. He got one letter wrong in her email address. Without seeing the mistake, he sent the email. In Texas, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He had been the pastor of a large church. She sat down to check her email, expecting more consoling messages from church members. After reading the first message, she screamed and passed out. It read: Subject: From your hubby Text: It’s so hot down here! I’ll see you tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3tu0y/long_an_email_from_the_afterlife/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3tn4u/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
A dwarf on the subway was playing music with a perfect beat

He was a metro-gnome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3tjut/a_dwarf_on_the_subway_was_playing_music_with_a/
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I ate a toboggan because I was hungry

Needless to say my parents did not let it slide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3tfcn/i_ate_a_toboggan_because_i_was_hungry/
%
I asked the lion what he was doing in my wardrobe.

He said it was Narnia business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3te1f/i_asked_the_lion_what_he_was_doing_in_my_wardrobe/
%
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3t8x5/dad_can_you_tell_me_what_a_solar_eclipse_is/
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A Redhead, a brunette, and a Blonde...

Three girls go on a trip to see the desert. The Redhead says "hey we should bring stuff to keep us cool because the desert can get really hot." Everyone agrees so they so pick it something they feel will keep them cool in the desert heat. "what did you guys bring, I brought a wide brimmed hat to keep the sun off." The brunette said. The Redhead chimed in saying she brought a canteen of cool water. They both looked at the Blonde struggling with a big car door. "I brought a car door so when it gets hot I can roll down the window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3t4l0/a_redhead_a_brunette_and_a_blonde/
%
I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder. The cop looked at it and said....

“ you know those things are killing people”
I laughed and said: they say the same thing about you guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3t2h7/i_got_pulled_over_and_my_vape_was_in_my_cup/
%
A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at her and says, "I think I'll have the soup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3t03r/a_waitress_on_her_last_day_decides_to_walk_to/
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Why is Neymar so popular with women?

As soon as he's anywhere near the box he'll go down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3sy4h/why_is_neymar_so_popular_with_women/
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What does a Roman emperor say after having sex?

Veni veni veni!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3svzg/what_does_a_roman_emperor_say_after_having_sex/
%
I used to be a banker

but then i lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3sr4w/i_used_to_be_a_banker/
%
The one about the rude pianist

A restaurant was looking to hire a pianist for the dining room. One day a man walks in and asks "To see the fucking manager."
The manager is a bit shocked but responds professionally "That happens to be myself, can I help?"
"I'm here about the fucking pianist job, where's the cunting piano?"
The manager is shocked even further but decides to give the man a chance. The man sits at the piano, flexes his fingers and launches into a hauntingly beautiful and delicate ballad in a minor key. Playing from one end of the keyboard to the other effortlessly.
As the final chord dies away the manager asks "That was amazing, what's it called?"
"'Fuck my greasy knobhole and call me Susan.'" The man responds "Composed it my shitting self didn't I."
The manager is a bit perplexed but asks if he knows anything else, before he has finished asking the question the man has begun a melancholy blues number that could make a grown man cry.
"This one's called 'The crusty shit on your hairy sphincter is making me fucking horny'"
"Anything else dare I ask?" The manager tentatively offers.
This time it's a funky jazz number that any normal pianist would need 3 hands to play.
"Something else I did my fucking self, it's called 'My filthy slutbox needs a...'"
The manager throws up his hands and says "Ok, that's enough, I get the idea.... Well... You are an extraordinarily talented pianist. You can have the job but you must not introduce any of your songs or talk to any of the customers."
After a few weeks into the job, the pianist notices across the restaurant an absolutely stunning blond, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life and she's dressed to kill. After a while he can no longer take it, stops playing mid-chord and rushes to the men's room to satisfy his urge. He beats his meat harder than he's done since he was a teenager, as he approaches the vinegar strokes of climax he hears the manager beating on the door and shouting his name to get back on the piano and do what he's paid to do.
But it's too late, he cums like a racehorse, quickly pulls his trousers back up and runs back into the dining room. He's just sat back down and smoothing his hair back when a patron taps him on the shoulder and says "Excuse me, do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk onto your shoes?"
"Know it!?" The pianist says, "I fucking wrote it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3slhu/the_one_about_the_rude_pianist/
%
John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"
Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"
John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk"
Cop: "Holy shit!"
The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up.
Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?"
John: "Sure"
John had his license
Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?"
John: "Sure"
It was his car
Chief: "Could you open your glove box?"
John: "Sure"
There were no weapons
Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?"
John: "Be my guest"
There were no bodies in the trunk
Chief: "Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk"
John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3sc8o/john_gets_pulled_over_on_the_highway_for_speeding/
%
I say to a baker “All your cakes are 50 pence except that one which is £1. Why’s that?” ...

“Arhh! That’s Madeira cake!” The baker replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3s94p/i_say_to_a_baker_all_your_cakes_are_50_pence/
%
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear and the other's a great year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3s38n/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
%
What do you call a country of fancy clothes?

Sueden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3s0f6/what_do_you_call_a_country_of_fancy_clothes/
%
What do you call a well educated farmer?

A farmacist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3rtea/what_do_you_call_a_well_educated_farmer/
%
Why are ghosts terrible at lying?

Because you can see right through them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3rrq4/why_are_ghosts_terrible_at_lying/
%
Where did the online thief flee to?

I don’t know, he ransomware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3roqb/where_did_the_online_thief_flee_to/
%
My boss is refusing to let my string quartet play for a coworker's birthday party next week.

He says he has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to workplace violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3rhui/my_boss_is_refusing_to_let_my_string_quartet_play/
%
A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre.

And the bartender gave it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3rhcs/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_double/
%
A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)
A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.
The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and after 30 minutes the Australian holds up his hand and exclaims “check mate!”
The chess master is horrified and constantly tries to find out how he could be in check. He spends about 10 minutes until he gets frustrated and gives up.
“How did you get me in check?” The chess master puzzled
“What do you mean?” The Aussie pondered  “I was asking for the check”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3repd/a_chess_champion_and_an_australian_man_were/
%
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to.

I was keeping the umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ra6k/give_it_to_me_give_it_to_me_she_yelled_im_so_wet/
%
Why is dark mode better?

Because it runs faster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3r8nl/why_is_dark_mode_better/
%
I’ve decided to stop giving blowjobs during marathons.

I’m just not a fan of running gags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3r2vg/ive_decided_to_stop_giving_blowjobs_during/
%
What do you get if you cross Prince Charles and Queen Elizabeth?

Killed in a tunnel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3qsa7/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_prince_charles_and/
%
After double doors had to be installed in the castle to allow for Henry VIII's massive frame, he was no longer the same man who enjoyed playing his horn or teaching his kids.

He was a two-door tooter Tudor too dour to tutor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3qrr2/after_double_doors_had_to_be_installed_in_the/
%
What did Russell Crowe do when the cannibal ate his wife?

Nothing – he was Gladiator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3qp4d/what_did_russell_crowe_do_when_the_cannibal_ate/
%
A joke doesn't...

... become a Dad Joke until it's fully groan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3qmw1/a_joke_doesnt/
%
How do you make Holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3qgos/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
What do you call a Serbian pornstar?

Slobberdown Mycocokyoubitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3q2l4/what_do_you_call_a_serbian_pornstar/
%
If you have 10 apples in one hand and 10 apples in the other, what do you have?

some big ass hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3q2du/if_you_have_10_apples_in_one_hand_and_10_apples/
%
There was a huge fight at the boat store.

Paddles were on clearance for 90% off, and people went crazy trying to get them.
It was quite an oar deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3px8h/there_was_a_huge_fight_at_the_boat_store/
%
There's this guy who's been staying in one spot at the park for days without sitting or laying. People are calling him super amazing. I personally just think..

he's out standing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ppxl/theres_this_guy_whos_been_staying_in_one_spot_at/
%
Horse buying

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.  Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3po1f/horse_buying/
%
I wish I were good at telling pizza jokes

But I always botch the DiGiorno

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3pm62/i_wish_i_were_good_at_telling_pizza_jokes/
%
What do you call a goat that likes cleaning?

A roomba-a-aa-aa.
(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3pgpi/what_do_you_call_a_goat_that_likes_cleaning/
%
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant

Two well dressed lawyers walk into an expensive restaurant..  They each order a coffee and then take out sandwiches from their briefcases to eat.
The waiter rushes to their table and says "Sir, you cannot eat your **own** food in the restaurant.  That is against our rules.
The layers quietly look at each other and exchange their sandwiches and start eating.
Moral: You can always count on layers to find loop holes in the law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3pgl5/two_lawyers_walk_into_a_restaurant/
%
Did you hear about the brawl in the Chinese restaurant?

It was a scene of wonton destruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3pf5o/did_you_hear_about_the_brawl_in_the_chinese/
%
In one week I lost 50 pounds!

How much is that in US dollars?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3penh/in_one_week_i_lost_50_pounds/
%
My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3p29i/my_mother_hates_every_girlfriend_that_ive_ever/
%
An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.
"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.
She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the whole family was reunited at the table.
The old man took a deep breath and yelled to his wife in front of everybody
"MOTHER OF SIX! PLEASE COME HERE"
She walked into the room and said
"What do you want, father of 3?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3p0v7/an_old_man_used_to_call_his_wife_mother_of_six/
%
I gave my seat up to a blind person on a bus

And that is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3p025/i_gave_my_seat_up_to_a_blind_person_on_a_bus/
%
A new bar opened up down the road that offered free Wi-Fi. I asked the bar keeper for the password and he said "two drink minimum"

So I quickly downed 2 shots and again asked for the password. He said "twodrinkminimum: all one word"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ozyq/a_new_bar_opened_up_down_the_road_that_offered/
%
I started dancing so that I could sleep with women...

But my signature move was always a beat off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ovh3/i_started_dancing_so_that_i_could_sleep_with_women/
%
Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I toil the most.
6. I work in a damp environment.
7. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
8. I work in extremely high temperatures.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
RE: Dear P\*nis
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire well before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. As if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3otpw/request_from_a_worried_pnis/
%
My girlfriend told me I should treat her like a princess

So I took her to Paris for the weekend, rented a Mercedes, and drove her into a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3oru9/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_should_treat_her_like_a/
%
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know Y TBH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3omx9/i_was_only_taught_22_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
A man goes for a job interview

Interviewer: so, what's your biggest weakness?
The man thinks for a few seconds then replies "I'm too honest".
The interviewer looks a bit shocked and says "well, I don't think honesty is a weakness at all!"
To which the man replied, "I don't give a fuck what you think"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3omts/a_man_goes_for_a_job_interview/
%
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

Actually, not much. Except the taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3om63/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
%
How many mathematicians does it take to replace a light bulb?

.999999999...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ojct/how_many_mathematicians_does_it_take_to_replace_a/
%
Why was Tommy Wiseau upset about the reviews of The Room?

He did not receive a hi Mark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3o0ga/why_was_tommy_wiseau_upset_about_the_reviews_of/
%
Last night I was sitting in the couch and watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen " what do you want for dinner honey? Chicken, beef or lamb?

I replied "Thank you love. I feel like having chicken."
She replied " You're having soup you fat bastard. I'm talking to the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3nwtu/last_night_i_was_sitting_in_the_couch_and/
%
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.

Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3nw36/i_called_two_girls_hipsters_and_got_slapped/
%
What do you call British Rock and Roll?

Stone and Scone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3nvlw/what_do_you_call_british_rock_and_roll/
%
What do you do when your DNA cookie is undercooked?

You make it CRISPR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ntu5/what_do_you_do_when_your_dna_cookie_is_undercooked/
%
A visit to the doctor

A man is in his doctor's office for his annual physical exam.  All the tests have been run and the doctor has given him a clean bill of health.  The doctor asks, "Are you having any problems that you'd like to tell me about?"
"Well, there is one thing,'' says the man.  "It's of a sexual nature."
The doctor says "Are you having problems performing?"
The man replies, "No, it's kind of the opposite.  I just love sex with my wife so much that I have a tendency to finish too quickly."
The doctor says, "Well, there are all kinds of tests we can run to get to the root cause of the problem but I tend to go for quick and cheap to begin with on a matter like this.  When you leave here, stop at a sporting goods store and buy a starter's pistol.  Put it on the night table and when you feel that you're beginning to lose control, just reach over and pull the trigger on that starter's pistol.  It's loud enough that it will startle you, breaking your concentration and allowing you to continue."
The next day the man shows up in the doctor's office looking dejected.  The doctor asks him what the problem is and the man says, "Well Doc, I did just like you said. I bought a starter's pistol on the way home.  When I got there my wife was already in bed so I put the starter's pistol on the bed table and jumped in bed with her.  We were having a VERY good time, had some sixty nine action going on when I felt I was losing control.  So I reached over and pulled the trigger on that pistol.  It not only startled me and stopped me from finishing but it startled my wife so much that she peed in my face and practically bit my dick off.  Then my next door neighbor came out of the bedroom closet naked, with his hands in the air"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3njpv/a_visit_to_the_doctor/
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How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not that hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3n23q/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_on_a_nude_beach/
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My uncle drowned in a vat of whisky

He bravely fought off his rescuers for hour befor he finally circummed.
He was then cremated and the fire lasted 3 days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3n1yn/my_uncle_drowned_in_a_vat_of_whisky/
%
He’s so old

his blood type was discontinued.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3myls/hes_so_old/
%
They say you should be the change you want to see in the world, so I gonna be two pennies.

It’s common cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3muo3/they_say_you_should_be_the_change_you_want_to_see/
%
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3msvb/not_to_brag_but_ive_satisfied_every_waitress_that/
%
You know why being drunk is gay?

Because you can't think straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3mi9q/you_know_why_being_drunk_is_gay/
%
Boss sends a text to worker: You are good with jokes write me one

Worker: I can't, i'm working.
Boss: Good one, one more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3mfbu/boss_sends_a_text_to_worker_you_are_good_with/
%
My mate just rang me in tears. His wife has left him and taken his Bob Marley collection and satellite dish!

I pity the poor bastard
No Woman No Sky!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3md6j/my_mate_just_rang_me_in_tears_his_wife_has_left/
%
I’ve never used a broom in my whole life.

I realise this is a sweeping statement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3lwm0/ive_never_used_a_broom_in_my_whole_life/
%
I like to play chess with old men in the park.

Though it can be difficult to find 32.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3lse0/i_like_to_play_chess_with_old_men_in_the_park/
%
I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.

It’s a complete rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3llzr/i_wouldnt_buy_anything_with_velcro/
%
I lost my astronomy job at the observatory

No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't stay focused

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3lfwp/i_lost_my_astronomy_job_at_the_observatory/
%
Guy sits in a police interrogation room

He says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: "But you are the lawyer."
"Exactly, so where’s my present?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3leca/guy_sits_in_a_police_interrogation_room/
%
People always told me I would suck at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

Well I've made two vases and a jug today, so who sucks now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3l7t9/people_always_told_me_i_would_suck_at_poetry/
%
Dave, Peter, and John were captured by a tribe as they were hunting treasures deep in the forests of Brazil.

As they were about to be beheaded, they begged for their life and asked to be set free, never to come back again.
And so the tribe's Chieftain then offers them a chance, that is, if they can complete two certain tasks.
Chieftain: For the first task, I want the three of you to each bring 10 pieces of fruit. It can be any fruit, as long as there are ten of them.
John: Sounds fine. What about the second one?
Chieftain: After you complete the first, then I'll tell you the second one. I'll have you know that if any of you tries to escape, you will be killed on the spot. Now go and bring me those fruits.
And so the three of them went their separate ways to search.
After 40 minutes, Dave was the first one to come back, bringing ten pieces of oranges with him.
Dave: It seems like I'm the only one here. So what about the other task?
Chief: Hmm, oranges. Alright, for the second task, I want you to insert all of the fruits into your butt without showing any kind of emotions. If I see any changes to your facial expression then you will be beheaded immediately.
Without any other choices, Dave pulled down his pants then proceeds to insert the orange.
Only halfway through the first orange and Dave squeaked silently. Then "boom", his head was immediately chopped off.
Next to arrive was Peter, bringing ten pieces of grapes with him. So the chief explains the second task, telling him that if he shows any kind of emotion, he's dead.
Thinking that he was fortunate with what he brought, Peter proceeds in inserting the grapes into his butt. Handling the first one smoothly, then the second, the third, fourth, fifth, all without batting an eye. But as he was about to insert the last grape, he suddenly laughed a little bit, then "boom", head rolling on the ground.
And so Dave and Peter met outside the gates of heaven and started talking about what happened.
Dave: Oh man, I saw what happened up here. You were very close, there was only one left. It looked like you were having no problems with the grapes.
Peter: Oh yeah. It was very easy, I could have inserted upto 20 pieces.
Dave: Then why the fuck did you laughed? Now you're dead too. I hope John is doing well.
Peter: That's the thing. As I was about to insert the final grape, I saw that stupid shit coming back, dragging 10 fuckin' Jackfruits with him!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3l45z/dave_peter_and_john_were_captured_by_a_tribe_as/
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Anyone else wear glasses and is excited for next year?

I am! It's the first time we will see 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3l2uf/anyone_else_wear_glasses_and_is_excited_for_next/
%
I ordered Chinese take out from a place around the corner

Just went to pick it up and as I was driving home I heard the bag rustling and moving!!!
I thought what on earth is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could even see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I pulled over, leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the ginger beef. I figured it had to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the side of the bag down, and there it was,
...a peking duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3l1ir/i_ordered_chinese_take_out_from_a_place_around/
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To stay safe in bear country, always carry a small pocket knife and hike with a friend.

If a bear attacks, stab your friend in the leg and run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3l0us/to_stay_safe_in_bear_country_always_carry_a_small/
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Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business.

He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3kmdz/robert_patrick_an_actor_best_known_for_playing/
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Brutus: Which movie are we going to see, Caesar?

Caesar: It 2, brute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3kkw6/brutus_which_movie_are_we_going_to_see_caesar/
%
My wife had a go at me for exaggerating all the time.

I was so shocked a nearly tripped over my cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3kk9t/my_wife_had_a_go_at_me_for_exaggerating_all_the/
%
What do you call gangsters from Minnesota?

Oh, jeez.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3kep1/what_do_you_call_gangsters_from_minnesota/
%
How do you make a hormone?

Kick her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3kchx/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her.’
Thief: 'You must really love your wife!’
Man: 'Not particularly, but she will be home shortly.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3k5uw/a_thief_entered_a_house_midafternoon/
%
What do you call a belt with a clock on it?

A waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3jrds/what_do_you_call_a_belt_with_a_clock_on_it/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because Scott put on the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3jl2x/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
Say what you will about Americans being fat and lazy...

but active shooters are always determined, dedicated, and in shape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3jjdp/say_what_you_will_about_americans_being_fat_and/
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[NSFW] Why didn't the Japanese man get a high-five?

Because Logan Paul left him hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3jgjl/nsfw_why_didnt_the_japanese_man_get_a_highfive/
%
What do you call a crayon that looks like a strawberry?

A cranberry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3jddw/what_do_you_call_a_crayon_that_looks_like_a/
%
My friends say that I take things too literally

but I didnt take anything from them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3jcr7/my_friends_say_that_i_take_things_too_literally/
%
What did the attorney wear to the courthouse?

A lawsuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3jb21/what_did_the_attorney_wear_to_the_courthouse/
%
I faked my resume to get a glassmaking job

The interviewer saw straight through me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3j2ih/i_faked_my_resume_to_get_a_glassmaking_job/
%
English has affixes and suffixes. But, does English have infixes?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3j17s/english_has_affixes_and_suffixes_but_does_english/
%
An ocean liner is sailing in the North Atlantic and hits an iceberg.

As the ship is sinking, one crewman runs to the ship’s captain and tells him to open the root beer caskets in the ship’s hold.
The captain is confused but has no other options, so he orders all of the ship’s root beer caskets cut open. The root beer floods the hold and the ship slowly stops sinking, rights itself, and keeps on sailing.
The captain says to the crewman, “My man you are a genius. How did you think of doing that?”
The crewman replies, “Well captain, it’s simple. Root beer floats.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ired/an_ocean_liner_is_sailing_in_the_north_atlantic/
%
Picking a wife (long)

There is a man. A rich man. He has three beautiful girlfriends and he wants to marry one of them. He has to leave for business for a year and decides to set up a little test to see which one he should marry. He gives all of them $100,000 and tells them he will be back in a year.
A year goes by and he comes back home to see what they’ve done with the money.
The fist woman spent it all on clothes, and while the money was gone, she looked as beautiful as ever.
The second spend it traveling. And while the money was gone she was much more interesting to converse with.
The third invested it all and made phenomenal returns. She turned the original $100,000 into $200,000 making a cool 100k profit.
The man thought about his options, and do you know which  woman he picked?
The one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3iqrr/picking_a_wife_long/
%
I was walking along the beach, and threw pebbles into the sea

My wife will go mad; she loved that dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3in1y/i_was_walking_along_the_beach_and_threw_pebbles/
%
I can’t believe it...

My hairdresser just dyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3igbv/i_cant_believe_it/
%
When I was a kid my grandpa asked me when we drove past a cemetery “do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery?”, of course i said nope. Then he said

All of them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3iehy/when_i_was_a_kid_my_grandpa_asked_me_when_we/
%
A kid is born without eyelids...

... the Drs suggest using the leftover foreskin from his circumcision to replace them. Everything turned out fine... but the kid is just a little cockeyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ie7q/a_kid_is_born_without_eyelids/
%
What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3i7nu/what_phrase_is_5_words_long_makes_you_a_part_of_a/
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....

You know, one would have been enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3i7ga/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/
%
Blonde

A blonde woman is speeding down the highway and gets pulled over by the police.
The blonde officer approaches her door and asks for her driver's license.
What's that? she asks.
Officer says "You know, it has your picture on it, you probably keep it on your purse."
Oh yes! She says, it's right here.
She digs around in her purse, pulls out her compact, flips it open and hands it to the officer.
The officer looks into the compact and says...
Oh I'm sorry!  If I had known you were a police officer too, I wouldn't have pulled you over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3i4da/blonde/
%
I lost my job as a trapeze artist.

One day they just let me go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3i3v6/i_lost_my_job_as_a_trapeze_artist/
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What sound does a Gen Z ghost make?

uwuuuuu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3i22x/what_sound_does_a_gen_z_ghost_make/
%
What's the difference between a rooster and my ex-wife?

A rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-do," and my ex-wife says, "any-cock'll-do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3i0wz/whats_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_my/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3hyln/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
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How much did the pirate sell his corn for?

A-buck-an-ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3hqp6/how_much_did_the_pirate_sell_his_corn_for/
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Why don't cops shut down Klan rallies?

Same reason you never see Bruce Wayne and Batman together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3hmog/why_dont_cops_shut_down_klan_rallies/
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I refuse to participate in my girlfriend’s western fantasy, where she dresses up as a cowgirl.

I’m just not a fan of chapped lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3hlq5/i_refuse_to_participate_in_my_girlfriends_western/
%
Why does Batman wear dark colors?

So Batman doesn’t get shot
Why does Robin wear bright colors?
So Batman doesn’t get shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3hjy5/why_does_batman_wear_dark_colors/
%
I saw a beaver movie last night

it was the best dam movie ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3hioh/i_saw_a_beaver_movie_last_night/
%
I had a friend that was born without eyelids, his doctor used the foreskin from his circumcision to make him some.

The surgery was a great success, he's just a little cock eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3hhpz/i_had_a_friend_that_was_born_without_eyelids_his/
%
One of my friends has a job making mirrors.

I personally couldn't see myself doing that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3hhha/one_of_my_friends_has_a_job_making_mirrors/
%
What did the hunter call his wife?

Deer
Found this on popsicle stick so don’t judge to harshly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3hg39/what_did_the_hunter_call_his_wife/
%
I like 25 letters of the alphabet

But I love u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3hemz/i_like_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
If gay means happy then I'm bi

-polar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3hb8h/if_gay_means_happy_then_im_bi/
%
Happy little accident

Bob Ross would be a great mafia member because he’s just make everything look like a happy little accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3hb2a/happy_little_accident/
%
Once a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3h9om/once_a_man_assaulted_me_with_milk_butter_and/
%
What do Engineers use for birth control?

Their personalities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3h82o/what_do_engineers_use_for_birth_control/
%
I want to make mirrors for a living

Its something I could really see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3h625/i_want_to_make_mirrors_for_a_living/
%
I was fired from my job at the orange juice factory

I couldnt concentrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3h4q9/i_was_fired_from_my_job_at_the_orange_juice/
%
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t return when you throw it?

A stick...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3gwmc/what_do_you_call_a_boomerang_that_doesnt_return/
%
Whats The Difference Between A Telsa And A Dead Body

I Don't Keep A Telsa In My Garage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3gvuu/whats_the_difference_between_a_telsa_and_a_dead/
%
What do airports and single parents have in common?

You need to tend to your baggage at all times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3gsn9/what_do_airports_and_single_parents_have_in_common/
%
As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it difficult to pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3gpyh/as_a_fat_guy_i_tend_to_avoid_wearing_skinny_jeans/
%
My penis fell off and I forgot how to attach it.

But then I remembered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3goif/my_penis_fell_off_and_i_forgot_how_to_attach_it/
%
Let me explain...

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman And she was upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.
I want a divorce right away ! And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
.
.
.
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, whi ch you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.
'The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, Do you have Anything else that your wife doesn't use?
And that's how we ended up on the bed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3go6n/let_me_explain/
%
If you need big boobs to work at Hooters

Do you need one leg to work at  IHop?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3gm3s/if_you_need_big_boobs_to_work_at_hooters/
%
The difference

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a prostitute. A nymphomaniac says, "you're not done yet". A prostitute says" aren't you done yet".  And a wife says"beige I think I'll paint the ceiling beige".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3gcia/the_difference/
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Three Old Ladies...

Three old ladies sitting on a park bench , A man walks up to them, opens his overcoat, is naked underneath. He jiggles his goods for them.
The first lady upon seeing the obscene gesture had a stroke.
The second lady upon seeing the obscene gesture had a stroke.
The third lady wouldn’t touch it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3g9up/three_old_ladies/
%
What kind of music is scary for balloons?

Pop music

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3fzmc/what_kind_of_music_is_scary_for_balloons/
%
My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking

Thinking the accusations as ridiculous, I asked:
"Baste on what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3fw3m/my_wife_got_onto_me_the_other_day_claiming_i/
%
Me on a date

Date - I’m a country fan
Me - Same, Russia’s pretty big
Date - that’s not what I meant, anyway this date isn’t working out, would you mind calling me a cab?
Me - ok, you’re a cab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3fq5p/me_on_a_date/
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Not this again

- Knock knock
- Who's there ?
- Hatch
- Hatchwho ?
- Bless you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3fnlq/not_this_again/
%
How do you console someone with bad grammar skills?

There, their, they're.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3fdgm/how_do_you_console_someone_with_bad_grammar_skills/
%
Did you know that if you try and say onomatopoeia backwards...

You'll likely waste several seconds of your life!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3f8vw/did_you_know_that_if_you_try_and_say_onomatopoeia/
%
Why couldn’t the colourblind man sell ice cream?

His cones don’t work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3f2v7/why_couldnt_the_colourblind_man_sell_ice_cream/
%
They are having a bad posture contest at work.

I have a hunch I might win

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3eyr2/they_are_having_a_bad_posture_contest_at_work/
%
A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

. After the game is over he asks if she had a good time. She replied “yes that was fun, but I don’t understand why they do all of that for 25 cents”. The man, puzzled, asks “what do you mean?” To which the blonde replied “well the game started with a coin toss, and afterward they just ran around hitting each other screaming get the quarterback! get the quarterback!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3euw1/a_man_takes_his_blonde_girlfriend_to_a_football/
%
When I was younger I wanted to become a pirate!

Now I am a photographer, because every pirate has to own a Canon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3eudt/when_i_was_younger_i_wanted_to_become_a_pirate/
%
What do you say when you meet a flat-earther?

You're not from round here are ya?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3et16/what_do_you_say_when_you_meet_a_flatearther/
%
Obstacles Preventing A Happy Ever After

Tom: "When are you and your girlfriend getting married?"
Harry: "I would have a long time ago if it wasn't for her family!!"
Tom: "Her family?"
Harry: "Yes, her husband and three children."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3erqt/obstacles_preventing_a_happy_ever_after/
%
What starts with a P and ends in a C?

The sewage system

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3erph/what_starts_with_a_p_and_ends_in_a_c/
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A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.

Man: Will I be alright doc?
Doctor: You are in grave danger, Mercury is in Uranus.
Man: I don't buy in to that astrology nonsense!
Doctor: Neither do I. My thermometer broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3enul/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_checkup/
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How do you circumcise the Pope?

Kick the choir boys chin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3eni6/how_do_you_circumcise_the_pope/
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Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flatmate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3eldz/why_did_the_hedgehog_cross_the_road/
%
What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jelly my cock up your ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3el77/whats_the_difference_between_jelly_and_jam/
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Keeping The Romance Alive

I still love to spoil the love of my life! If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me she's on her way! I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ekvc/keeping_the_romance_alive/
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'How Long is chinese?'

"Yes, he is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ehjb/how_long_is_chinese/
%
A girl is pregnant

She says to her dad,” Dad I’m pregnant.”
The dad says,” Hi pregnant, I’m Dad.”
The girl replies,”Yeah, you are.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ehhl/a_girl_is_pregnant/
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What's the difference between a clitoris and Bud Light?

A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3efnf/whats_the_difference_between_a_clitoris_and_bud/
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Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster?

A cock a dude'll do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ea3u/why_doesnt_any_man_need_more_than_one_rooster/
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After the death of my parents, I was reared in a Catholic orphanage…

... i'm still sore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3e9rd/after_the_death_of_my_parents_i_was_reared_in_a/
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Science flies you to the moon.

Religion, in to buildings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3e4oj/science_flies_you_to_the_moon/
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How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3dshj/how_does_spiderman_think_of_such_witty_comebacks/
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Why does Bono sing acapella when hes feeling down?

It takes the edge off it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3dgsa/why_does_bono_sing_acapella_when_hes_feeling_down/
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A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous.  Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.
Agnes goes to the local lake and casts her bait and within seconds she feels a mighty tug on the line.  She reels in a beautiful fish every color of the rainbow!  Surely this is a sign of god's grace and love, and it would be a perfect fish to serve to the Pope.  The trouble is Agnes nor any of the other nuns had ever seen such a fish before and had no idea what it was or how to prepare it so they put it on ice and took it to the local village which had many experienced fishermen.
When they entered a fishing shop with their catch they asked the shopkeeper what they had caught.  He removed his sunglasses and said "Oh goodness that's very rare!  I haven't seen one in years.  This fish is called a Sunnavabitch and is absolutely beautiful when prepared correctly!"
They thanked the fisherman for his advice and sought the services of a local chef for his input on how to properly prepare the Sunnavabitch.  He said "It must be treated gently!  Lightly steamed until the flesh is just tender.  This will make a fine meal for His Holiness!"
The following day Agnes left the fish with Mary and Isadore to begin cooking while she gathered fresh produce from around the Convent.  Mary took special care to clean and gut the fish, leaving not a single scale or bone.  Isadore took Agnes' herbs and vegetables and cooked them with the fish.  No sooner had the meal come together than they heard a knock on the door and it was the pope himself!  They graciously welcomed him in to their table and proudly placed the fish before him.
They prayed and ate the meal as the Pope praised every bite, thanking God and the nuns for such incredible bounty.
When finished the Pope said "This-a meal was-a so good!  But I have-a never had such a fish in-a all of my days.  Who made-a this?"
Wanting to speak properly Agnes stepped forward and said "Well your Holiness, I caught the Sunnavabitch, Mary cleaned the Sunnavabitch an Isadore cooked the Sunnavabitch.  We are grateful it was to your liking"
The pope nodded knowingly to the three nuns and sat back in his chair and said "You know, you fuckers are all right"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3d9cn/a_convent_of_catholic_nuns_receives_a_letter/
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Why is Jesus so ripped?

Because he does CrossFit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3d5z2/why_is_jesus_so_ripped/
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Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3d00i/did_you_hear_that_the_director_to_pulp_fiction_is/
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What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can’t listen to an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3cyaq/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
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Why don’t chickens wear underwear?

Because their pecker is on their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3cx48/why_dont_chickens_wear_underwear/
%
Why did the postdoctoral law student cross the road?

To drop his resume off at the other restaurant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3cqk9/why_did_the_postdoctoral_law_student_cross_the/
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My jokes are so dark

That they deserve rights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3co7j/my_jokes_are_so_dark/
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How many computer scientists does it take to change a lightbulb

0 to 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3cnqc/how_many_computer_scientists_does_it_take_to/
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I searched a list of ten puns to find one that made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3cjmw/i_searched_a_list_of_ten_puns_to_find_one_that/
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I'm going to start a treatment center for children with epilepsy

I'll call it little seizures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ch8y/im_going_to_start_a_treatment_center_for_children/
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God in a parking lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to church every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3cfv9/god_in_a_parking_lot/
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3cc0a/a_vegan_said_to_me_that_people_who_sell_meat_are/
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What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve. *BANG*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3c8vw/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mentally_ill/
%
I am taking a test and I need to know what element Au is. Can someone help me?

I'm going to fail this test if I don't have the answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3c6sy/i_am_taking_a_test_and_i_need_to_know_what/
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A guy parks up next to a prostitute...

...he lowers the window and asks “How much for a blowjob?”
The prostitute says “Blowjob? Thirty bucks.”
The guy checks his wallet. “Hmm...Twenty okay?”
She rolls her eyes “Yeah, I guess”
“Great!” The guy says, “Here’s six hundred bucks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3c1px/a_guy_parks_up_next_to_a_prostitute/
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The Ikea saleslady wants a relationship with me for some reason

All I wanted was one nightstand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3c05k/the_ikea_saleslady_wants_a_relationship_with_me/
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A drunk walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender says, "You're already drunk. I'm not serving you anything."
"P-p-please. I'm... I need a drink real bad."
The bartender decides to have a little fun with him. "See that spittoon in the corner? I'll give you a drink if you take a sip out of that."
The drunk ponders it for a few seconds, picks up the spittoon and raises it to his lips. *Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp* He drops the empty spittoon on the floor.
The bartender stares in disgust as he pours the drink. "I just said a sip. You didn't have to drink the whole thing!"
The drunk, wiping his chin, says, "I couldn't stop. It was all one piece."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3boew/a_drunk_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
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I have a fetish for writing the last paragraph of a paper.

I just came to that conclusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3bls2/i_have_a_fetish_for_writing_the_last_paragraph_of/
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Why are babies so fragile?

Because they're made with only one screw!
Credit to /u/Drunk0ctopus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3bk9o/why_are_babies_so_fragile/
%
"Massage pinis."

Sam during a vacation to Thailand, ordered a massage session in his room. One for his wife and one for himself.
After massaging Sam for a while, the Thai girl said, "Massage pinis".
Sam felt awkward, but kept quiet, looking shiftily at his wife.
The Thai masseur again said, "Massage pinis."
There was silence, yet again ...
Finally, his wife spoke... "Don't raise your hopes, ... She's telling you "Massage finish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3bith/massage_pinis/
%
What's the difference between my left testicle and my right testicle?

Well, actually there isn't really a vas deferens between them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3b97u/whats_the_difference_between_my_left_testicle_and/
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Women are like swimming pools.

They cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the amount of time you spend inside them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3b18b/women_are_like_swimming_pools/
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The next time I see someone ending a sentence with a preposition

I shall give them what for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3b09i/the_next_time_i_see_someone_ending_a_sentence/
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How does Moses make beer?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3az0s/how_does_moses_make_beer/
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3avb2/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
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Why does the new iPhone 11 camera look like a stove?

Because Tim Cooks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3aucv/why_does_the_new_iphone_11_camera_look_like_a/
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What do whales do when another whale tries to have sex with them?

They hump-back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ar93/what_do_whales_do_when_another_whale_tries_to/
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French people don’t smoke weed

They smoke oui’d

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3akq7/french_people_dont_smoke_weed/
%
What’s yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3ajpw/whats_yellow_and_cant_swim/
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What do you get when you cross Mexico with an anti-racism book?

Tequila Mockingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3adk6/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_mexico_with_an/
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WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?

Malaysian airlines 173

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3a61k/who_lives_in_a_pineapple_under_the_sea/
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Man 1: Thanks for introducing me to minimalism

Man 2: No problem! It's the least I could do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3a5eb/man_1_thanks_for_introducing_me_to_minimalism/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d39xgu/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
- Happy birthday Jimmy !!

\-Thank you a lot Emily, I can't wait to see what's my gift.
\-Well, since you're 18 now, I wanted to give you something special, it starts with an "F" and ends with "uck"!
\-OMG!! I'm getting a firetruck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d39q0v/happy_birthday_jimmy/
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It’s all about the dress codes.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d39cxj/its_all_about_the_dress_codes/
%
What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?

They both get to smell the goods but neither get to eat them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d396dd/what_do_a_pizza_delivery_man_and_a_gynecologist/
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Worm kid comes home

He sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d395p5/worm_kid_comes_home/
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She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."

I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d38yub/she_said_dont_go_bacon_my_heart/
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Will Smith has been connected to an armed robbery in Philadelphia...

They found fresh prints at the scene of the crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d38xro/will_smith_has_been_connected_to_an_armed_robbery/
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Why did Kevin Hart have such a short stay in the hospital?

He has the money to pay for adequate medical service

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d38wvo/why_did_kevin_hart_have_such_a_short_stay_in_the/
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There were three ducks swiming in a pond one night after midnight and got arrested for trespassing. They were called to apper in court the next day

So the judge called up duck #1 and asked what were you doing in a pond swiming after midnight
The duck said "blowing bubbles"
So then the judge called up duck #2 and asked the same question and the duck said
"blowing bubbles".
Then the judge called up duck #3 and said let me guess you were blowing bubbles to and
The duck said "No I am BUBBLES"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d38ps5/there_were_three_ducks_swiming_in_a_pond_one/
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Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide & seek...

Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting.
While Pascal runs off and hides, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly one meter, and then sits down inside the square.
When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ground, he yells "Ha, I've found you, Newton!".
Newton however replies "No, you haven't! You've found *Pascal*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d38i4f/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_playing_hide_seek/
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Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d38eel/many_gardeners_mistakenly_refer_to_the_short/
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If two redheads have sex

Is the child gingerbread ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d38c7e/if_two_redheads_have_sex/
%
A man board an airplane and took his seat next to a very beautiful woman.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when it is the men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolute best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d388vh/a_man_board_an_airplane_and_took_his_seat_next_to/
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The helicopter ride

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. And every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'. Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair and Ken said,'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'. To this, Edna replied, 'Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again. But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Ken replied,'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out. But you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d381z4/the_helicopter_ride/
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Both of them.

A guy visits his friends house and finds his friend tired and hungover. His friend asks him to bring his slippers from upstairs. When he goes upstairs he sees two escorts his friend called for the night and tells them that the guy told him to bang both of them. The girls reply  “are you sure ?, that would cost extra.” He says “yeah, you want proof?” And yells downstairs “BOTH OF THEM?!” And the guy responds “ OF COURSE BOTH OF THEM , WHAT’S THE POINT OF FUCKING ONE!!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d381i4/both_of_them/
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Just been mugged by 6 dwarves.

Not Happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d37ysu/just_been_mugged_by_6_dwarves/
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I bought a Chinese takeaway last night

On the drive home I saw the bag was rustling. I looked inside and saw two eyes staring back at me. Panicked, I thought it was a rat or a mouse.
I pulled it out the bag as quick as possible.
Turns out it was just a Peking Duck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d37y67/i_bought_a_chinese_takeaway_last_night/
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I might be neither handsome, rich nor athletic

What? Why are you expecting a “but”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d37wvl/i_might_be_neither_handsome_rich_nor_athletic/
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An Irishman, an Italian and a Polish man were sentenced to the chair!

The Irishman went first. They pulled the switch but nothing happened.
Surprised, they let him go.
The Italian guy went second. They pulled the switch but again nothing happened.
Now really surprised, they also let him go.
Finally, the Polish bloke enters and says,
"First of all, the chair is unplugged!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d37w5g/an_irishman_an_italian_and_a_polish_man_were/
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I heard today that Donald Trump is banning shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d37oa3/i_heard_today_that_donald_trump_is_banning/
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My girlfriend is like a star.

Far away and dying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d37lur/my_girlfriend_is_like_a_star/
%
An old man is fishing by the creek.

Soon a wagon pulled by horses approaches on the road behind him.
"Is the water shallow enough to pass through with my horses and goods, old man ?" bellowed the driver.
"Sure mere few feet to the right, a small family made their way across not an hour ago" meekly said the old-timer.
Happy to shorten his journey the driver reins his horses across the stream. Not a few steps in when the horses succumbed to the watery depth.
Barely holding on to the bank the driver escaped the waters with his life intact while the horses drowned.
"Oy, you old fart, you said I could make my way across here. Didn't you tell me that a small family made it across?"
The old man was puzzled," I dont get it. The family of ducks passed, and their legs were much shorter than the ones in your horses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d37gnr/an_old_man_is_fishing_by_the_creek/
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A Jewish kid asks his dad for 40 bucks

His dad says, "30 bucks??! What the hell do you want with 20 bucks??!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d37g5h/a_jewish_kid_asks_his_dad_for_40_bucks/
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An opinion is like an asshole

Everyone has one, and nobody cares to see yours posted on the internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d37d5b/an_opinion_is_like_an_asshole/
%
The mining industry wants to put out a radio advert to help with recruitment. They hire a jingle writer, and he asks them what key he should write it in.

They said: "B minor".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d37bok/the_mining_industry_wants_to_put_out_a_radio/
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An Italian, an American and a Frenchman discussing their home lives

A Frenchman: when I am going overseas, I am hiring the best detective agency to spy after my wife, for 1000 francs/hour. Upon return I have the full report on her cheating.
An American: I am into high-tech, got equipment worth $500000 - cameras, microphones, surveillance. Upon return I can watch all her frolics in 4K.
An Italian: When coming home I am approaching old crones sitting all day round in the neighbourhood, calling them up, "What's up, old whores?" Then they just explode, "Who you call whores?! Do you know what your missus is about???". And then I get the full report, for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d375ju/an_italian_an_american_and_a_frenchman_discussing/
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What's the difference between a old sock and a coffee filter?

Well, if you don't know it, I'll never get coffee at your place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d374t1/whats_the_difference_between_a_old_sock_and_a/
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A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.

And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".
A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.
She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"
Some time later the wife left and came home after a few hours.  She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner waiting for her and all the dirty clothes were washed and folded.
She called to her husband.  "Honey did you do all this for me?"
Husband: "No.  The lady next door heard us earlier and after you left, offered to help me do all those things I asked you to do in exchange for either fixing her car or fucking her brains out."
Wife:  "So did you fix her car?"
Husband: "Do I look like a fucking mechanic to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d36z9f/a_man_asked_his_wife_if_she_can_make_him/
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Son: What is the best dad joke you ever made?

Dad: You.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d36avc/son_what_is_the_best_dad_joke_you_ever_made/
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TIL: Among all US Presidents, Grover Cleveland had the shortest term.

He was the twenty second president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d364kc/til_among_all_us_presidents_grover_cleveland_had/
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A bar walks into an ass

Woman says "wrong hole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d361px/a_bar_walks_into_an_ass/
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How do you decide who was the best in an orgy

A general erection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d35yri/how_do_you_decide_who_was_the_best_in_an_orgy/
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I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d35sv4/im_not_having_much_luck_with_jobs_lately/
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stranded on a desert island

If I was stranded on a desert island I would take along a deck of cards. Because everyone knows after about 20 minutes of playing solitaire someone will come up behind you and tell you you're doing something wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d35jfq/stranded_on_a_desert_island/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d35jfk/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
%
What's the difference between Dish soap and Lube?

The first one splits the greases, the second one greases the split.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d35id4/whats_the_difference_between_dish_soap_and_lube/
%
Airport Security yelled at me today

Said I was in plane sight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d35bv5/airport_security_yelled_at_me_today/
%
A guy goes to a brothel

A man walked into a brothel and told the Madam he wanted a woman who had AIDs, HepB,  and herpes. He showed her a wad of money and the Madam told him to go and sit at the bar and she would see what she could do.
Knowing she had only disease free ladies she asked one of the girls to go and entertain the man and to pretend she had the diseases he mentioned.
Well they ended up spending the night together and he made good on his bill. The Madam's conscience got the better of her, and she confessed to the man that the girl had none of the diseases he'd asked for. The man just shook his head and said "she does now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d350cd/a_guy_goes_to_a_brothel/
%
I told my first 9/11 Joke in 1999

It was to soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d34x6x/i_told_my_first_911_joke_in_1999/
%
Why is parking at game companies such an issue?

They have loading zones only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d34qgv/why_is_parking_at_game_companies_such_an_issue/
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My penis may not be 12 inches....

But it smells like a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d34niw/my_penis_may_not_be_12_inches/
%
What did the veterinarian diagnose the elderly dog with who couldn’t stop shaking its paws?

Pawkinson’s
(I made this one up so it might need a bit of work)
Alternate version includes a dog with barkinson’s who can’t stop barking lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d34m1j/what_did_the_veterinarian_diagnose_the_elderly/
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Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d34js6/why_isnt_steven_hawking_in_heaven/
%
My wife is a magician

Yesterday she turned our car into a tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d34ixu/my_wife_is_a_magician/
%
Cop stopped my car earlier today

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because of the--
Car driving by: *HONK*
Me: Because if the--
Second car driving by: *HONK*
Me:
Cop:
Me: Because of the--
Third car driving by: *HOOONK*
Me: Because of the "Honk if you think cops are dicks" bumper sticker?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d34f98/cop_stopped_my_car_earlier_today/
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My girlfriend keeps telling me a small penis is nothing to be ashamed of.

I still wish she didn't have one though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d34a76/my_girlfriend_keeps_telling_me_a_small_penis_is/
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An electrician didn't get home until after 2 a.m.

His wife asked, "Wire you insulate?"
He replied, "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3453d/an_electrician_didnt_get_home_until_after_2_am/
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Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d33xkb/job_interviewer_and_where_would_you_see_yourself/
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I'm Stephen King's son.

I don't need verification because you all know I'm Joe King.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d33wi2/im_stephen_kings_son/
%
My day today

\>buy GTAV
\>walk down the street
\>punch random bystanders
\>steal a car
\>run over more people
\>kill a cop and take his gun
\>steal his car
\>run over people whilst shooting more people
\>pull a fast one on the cops
\>get home
\>play GTAV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d33uq7/my_day_today/
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What do you find on a FBI toilet?

Secret shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d33sxc/what_do_you_find_on_a_fbi_toilet/
%
New in the fast-food market: Oedipus Fried Chicken

>!It's motherfucking good!!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d33sdi/new_in_the_fastfood_market_oedipus_fried_chicken/
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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her as an alter boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d33oq4/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
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Two muffins are sitting in the oven.

One muffin turns to the other and says "boy it sure is hot in here"
The other muffin replies "holy shit! a talking muffin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d33irl/two_muffins_are_sitting_in_the_oven/
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The other day I was asked if I knew that there are two types of HIV

So I said of course hivs and hervs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d33fsf/the_other_day_i_was_asked_if_i_knew_that_there/
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What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d33ci0/whats_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
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Hitler was a penis potato

He was a dick-tater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d339dr/hitler_was_a_penis_potato/
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Timmy and the priest #1

One day little Timmy is sitting on the front porch contemplating a bottle of turpentine. A priest walks by and asks Timmy what he has.
"Well, Father this here is the most powerful liquid in the world.  This here is turpentine."
"Actually, Timmy, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water," the priest responded. "If you put a couple of drops of holy water on a pregnant women's tummy, she'll pass a baby boy."
"That's nothing," Timmy replied. "If I rub a couple of drops of this on a cat's ass, it'll pass a motorcycle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d32yur/timmy_and_the_priest_1/
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What do you call a crippled pothead?

A baked potato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d32ulb/what_do_you_call_a_crippled_pothead/
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I like my women like I like my cars...

Imported, and locked in the garage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d32rhs/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_cars/
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Ever hear Colonel Sanders playing guitar?

Well he’s finger-pickin’ good!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d32pj2/ever_hear_colonel_sanders_playing_guitar/
%
Want to feel old?

911 was 1108 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d32nva/want_to_feel_old/
%
Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..
He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..
He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after examining the penis of the men standing in the line..
If she points to a wrong man,then she and her husband will be executed.
The first woman nervously stepped out and she kept touching the penises until she found her husbands and declared it.... Genghis was disappointed that she succeeded.
Then the second woman came forward. She was so nervous that she kept touching each penis for a long time and kept thinking for a while before rejecting them. She too recognized her husband's penis.
Now Genghis got really angry. So he decide to stand in the line posing as villager to confuse them.
The third woman started. She hardly took more than few seconds for each penis while thinking out loud "Not him" "Not him either"..
This continued until she touched Genghis's penis. She stopped for a while and thought really hard
"Not from our village" she muttered and moved on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d32lqi/genghis_khan_and_his_soldiers_attacked_a_tiny/
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What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d32jez/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
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Cake day joke!

English has evolved so elegantly. Old English, for example, used Latin gender-specific suffixes "tor" for male and "trix" for female. So male pilots would be aviators and female pilots would be aviatrix in old English.
Modern English doesn't follow these rules. Male and female suffix now both end with tor, while trix are for kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d32h4w/cake_day_joke/
%
A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his penis

The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.
The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.”
So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his dick.
So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his cock.
So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: “First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d328xr/a_guy_goes_to_the_tattoo_parlor_and_offers_the/
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A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office complaining about a pain in his private parts.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “We will start with a sperm test. Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, teeth in, teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the darn jar open!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3287g/a_70_year_old_man_went_to_his_doctors_office/
%
Four blonds walk into a bar

you'd think at least one of them would have seen it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d327gw/four_blonds_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A guy gets arrested by a hot female cop..

..she says, "anything you say can and will be held against you." The guy thinks for a second and says, "tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3279i/a_guy_gets_arrested_by_a_hot_female_cop/
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I’m emotionally constipated...

I haven’t given a shit in days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d326ey/im_emotionally_constipated/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d325ld/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_go_on_a_camping_trip/
%
There was a guy named Juan

Juan was a normal person working at a restaurant serving people. One day someone asked for Juan to go for governor.
Juan had nothing going on in his life so he went for it. Juan ran for governor and got the job. But the same guy came in and asked for Juan to go be president.
So Juan ran for president and won again. Juan was very excited to hear that. But the same guy comes to him again and ask for Juan to take over the world.
Juan saw that was a bad idea and decided not to do that. But the guy got mad and took out his golf gun and shot Juan.
I don't know what a gulf gun is but it did put a hole in Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d31ymn/there_was_a_guy_named_juan/
%
"Sir, I know you are having trouble typing in your password." "Please can we try again. Your password is capital A as in Apple, lowercase T as in Tom, the number 4, Q as in Cucumber... "

This is something I actually said during my call center days.    The call screeners wouldn't let me forget for months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d31wdw/sir_i_know_you_are_having_trouble_typing_in_your/
%
What do you call a cow with antlers?

A Moose.
(Credit to my 5 year old son. He makes dad so proud!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d31u3o/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_antlers/
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What do you call a trans demon?

An Evil Trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d31jqg/what_do_you_call_a_trans_demon/
%
Apparently statistics show only "5% o peple" have cracked their phone screens



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d319ze/apparently_statistics_show_only_5_o_peple_have/
%
Plastic straws.

They suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d3192a/plastic_straws/
%
A King, a Queen, and a Clown

A king was feeling depressed. The queen decided to hire a clown, hoping to lift his spirits.
At the end of the clowns performance, everyone in the kings court was laughing and applauding. Except the King.
The Queen turned to her husband and said “What is it? Are you feeling any better?”
The King sighed. “No, I still feel pretty down... but I certainly appreciate the Jester.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d30w12/a_king_a_queen_and_a_clown/
%
I went to a barbeque food truck with a silver dollar.

I handed it to the lady and said, "Could I get some fries for this?"
"Sure, but what else do you want?" Confused, I said "Well, just the fries. This is all I have." She seemed slightly annoyed, "Ok, sir... But would you prefer a baked potato, green beans, cornbread or mac and cheese to go alongside it? Everyone knows there's two sides to every coin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d30npb/i_went_to_a_barbeque_food_truck_with_a_silver/
%
Why are hackers fast?

Because they're rushin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d30j5f/why_are_hackers_fast/
%
An older gentleman walks in to a bar and spends the night drinking...

As he finishes up his last drink the bartender says, "Rich, you want me to call your wife to come pick you up?"
Rich responds, "Nah, I'll get home just fine."
He takes his last gulp and lifts himself from the bar stool only to collapse on to the floor.
The bar tender rushes over, "Seriously, let me  give you a ride home."
Rich repsonds,"No No I'm just around the corner." He pushes him self up and makes his way to the door only to fall again.
Rich lugs himself over the doorway, down the street, and struggles to the grab the doorknob to his home. He gets through the front door with a sigh of victory only to see the daunting staircase.
Rich drags his body up the stairs and just before making it to the bed, he passes out on the floor.
Morning comes and Rich's wife is standing over him, prodding him awake.
His wife says, "You got drunk at the pub last night?"
Rich looks at his wife in surprise. "How did you know?"...
"The bartender called to tell me you left your wheelchair there again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d309mn/an_older_gentleman_walks_in_to_a_bar_and_spends/
%
Jesus doesn't masturbate.

He nails his hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d305z1/jesus_doesnt_masturbate/
%
Two plumbers were working on a toilet

Plumber 1: This toilet is empty
Plumber 2: No shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2zwam/two_plumbers_were_working_on_a_toilet/
%
Have you heard the one about the two gay Irishmen?

Yeah, Peter Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzpeter..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2zj7f/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_two_gay_irishmen/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2zekb/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
Does Freddie know how to play guitar?

No, but Brian may

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ywgi/does_freddie_know_how_to_play_guitar/
%
Mailman is making his rounds on his very last day of work. After 25 years on the same route the day had finally come. He was a good mailman and well liked. Therefor many of his regulars had little cookies and parting gifts for him. All was going well until he got to the Smith residence.

When he came to the door and was about to deliver the letters, Mrs.  Smith opened the door in a sexy lingerie holding a plate of cookies and  invited him in. The mailman, not wanting to be rude took a few cookies,  stepped inside and said thank you. As he was about to leave, she said "  oh no, we're not done. I asked my husband and he said i could give you a  final gift of my own", and off came her clothes with a come here grin.  Again, not wanting to be rude the mailman took up Mrs.Smith on her  offer. This was his last day after all and her husband said it was OK.  As they finished up she walked him to the door, she gave him a crisp new  1 dollar bill and kissed him on the cheek. The mailman, now completely  confused said, Mrs.Smith i get the cookies, the kiss and although a  little spontaneous I actually get the sex thing too. I don't however,  understand the 1 dollar bill. Mrs.Smith looked at him and said that was  hubby's idea. I told him i had made you cookies for your retirement and  he said "fuck the mailman, give him a dollar, he'll be happy".  So i  did.  Happy Retirement :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ytzd/mailman_is_making_his_rounds_on_his_very_last_day/
%
It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2yr0y/its_easy_to_explain_why_so_many_national/
%
What's brown and sits in a courtroom?

Jury doody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ypbd/whats_brown_and_sits_in_a_courtroom/
%
Give a man a duck, and he'll eat for a day

Teach a man to duck, and he'll stop walking into bars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ylyy/give_a_man_a_duck_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
%
Asked my wife if I could run my finger through her hair

She nodded and said she would like that.
I started brushing across her top lip,
And that's when the fight started....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2yjub/asked_my_wife_if_i_could_run_my_finger_through/
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Girls That love dicks over 7 inches

Will really love me cuz im a 6ft3in dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2yc9e/girls_that_love_dicks_over_7_inches/
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I tell Dad Jokes all the time, but never get any laughs...

Probably because he is dead. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ybi7/i_tell_dad_jokes_all_the_time_but_never_get_any/
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What do you call an archaic human that wanders about aimlessly?

A Meanderthal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2yb29/what_do_you_call_an_archaic_human_that_wanders/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist

A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2y6wq/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
Did you hear about the guy who took a second job as a pizza chef?

He kneaded the dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2y6ey/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_took_a_second_job/
%
Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2y3sk/wife_crashed_the_car_again_today_she_told_the/
%
What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2y022/whats_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
%
What do you call gift-wrapped marijuana?

Pretty dope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2xqjf/what_do_you_call_giftwrapped_marijuana/
%
A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."
So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock and roll.
After a few minutes the bartender says, "Okay, I am impressed. You can drink for free tonight."
As the bartender is pouring the guy a drink, the guy says, "Hey, if I show you something even more amazing, will you let me drink for free for a month?"
The bartender says, "Okay, but this had better be pretty spectacular." So the guy reaches into his bag again and pulls out a microphone and a frog. The frog sits in front of the microphone and begins singing along with the hamster playing the piano.
The bartender says, "Okay, I'm impressed. You can drink here for free for a month."
As all of this has been going on, another customer at the end of the bar has been watching. He walks over and says, "I'm a theater producer, and I'd like to buy that frog and put him in a show. Will you sell it to me for $500?" The guy says no. "$1000?". The guy still refuses. "Okay, will you sell me the frog for $5000?"
So the guy agrees, and gives the producer the frog for $5000. As the producer is leaving, the bartender says to the guy, "I can't believe you sold the frog! Surely it was worth more than $5000!"
"Not really." The guy says. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2xmxz/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar_and_says_to_the_bartender/
%
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2xeav/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
A joke that I will love forever.

You.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2xcqs/a_joke_that_i_will_love_forever/
%
Trump just banned flavored e-cigarettes.

Proving himself to be a real Juul-ius Seizer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2wzm6/trump_just_banned_flavored_ecigarettes/
%
Smoking can kill you, and bacon can kill you, but

smoking cures bacon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2wthz/smoking_can_kill_you_and_bacon_can_kill_you_but/
%
A husband was bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection

A husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.
He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough.
Finally he said, "Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will go talk to your husband.”
The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2wt6e/a_husband_was_bit_embarrassed_and_told_the_doctor/
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Did your parachute not work while you were skydiving?

That's fine. You have the rest of your life to fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2wgum/did_your_parachute_not_work_while_you_were/
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two blondes in a forest

In December, two blondes in a forest are looking for a Christmas tree. They go all around the forest for hours. Then one of them says:
"I am very tired and I am fed up with the searching - let's take some tree without the decoration."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2wdys/two_blondes_in_a_forest/
%
I have this friend who went to Yale.

Maybe you've met him? Really bushy beard, went back to school get a doctorate in sculpture? Anyway. He just gave me his entire collection of carved blackbirds. I was stunned because not only are these some of the most well-crafted sculptures I've ever seen, but he's a Wiccan, and he was literally worshipping these birds. It turns out there's still a law on the books in Connecticut about idol worshipping, and he's so afraid of prosecution that he's giving up instead of fighting it. So the unshaven New Haven graven raven maven is craven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2wdm2/i_have_this_friend_who_went_to_yale/
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Races should be segregated

I'm sick and tired of people doing running , cycling and swimming and claiming it as one triathlon event! They are separate activities, and as such should be treated that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2wax1/races_should_be_segregated/
%
Why did the banker quit his job?

He lost his interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2wa8m/why_did_the_banker_quit_his_job/
%
I came into a pile of cash when my grandmother died.

Weird fetishes help me deal with grief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2w7tr/i_came_into_a_pile_of_cash_when_my_grandmother/
%
A new hairdressers for angry gamers opened up in my town.

It's called 'Dye Dye Dye!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2w5eg/a_new_hairdressers_for_angry_gamers_opened_up_in/
%
What do you call a girl with one leg

Eileen
What do you call a girl with no legs - Noleen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2w53w/what_do_you_call_a_girl_with_one_leg/
%
Before the crowbar was invented,

most crows drank at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2w38s/before_the_crowbar_was_invented/
%
What’s the difference between relative dating and radioactive dating?

Radioactive dating is a way to determine an object’s age, but relative dating is what goes down in Alabama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2vrr7/whats_the_difference_between_relative_dating_and/
%
I hate people who brag

I swear, the next person who brags in front og me will be mowed down by my brand new Lamborghini Aventador with extremely comfortable leather seats at max speed (218 mph)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2vk21/i_hate_people_who_brag/
%
What do you call a homeless dog?

A wuff without a ruff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2vhdb/what_do_you_call_a_homeless_dog/
%
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?

To study a broad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2vgd8/why_did_the_american_student_spend_his_year_in/
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Why shouldn’t you wear Russian Y-fronts?

Because Chernobyl fall out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2vccu/why_shouldnt_you_wear_russian_yfronts/
%
Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Coz people are dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2vayy/why_are_there_gates_around_cemeteries/
%
What do you call a fruit that loves someone from afar?

A pineapple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2vaq2/what_do_you_call_a_fruit_that_loves_someone_from/
%
it all

The title says it all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2v8xi/it_all/
%
How much to pirates pay for corn?

A buccaneer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2v4bl/how_much_to_pirates_pay_for_corn/
%
What does a near sighted gynecologist and a new puppy have in common?

A wet nose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2v2sv/what_does_a_near_sighted_gynecologist_and_a_new/
%
Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2v0j5/scientists_have_discovered_a_way_to_milk_sheep/
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What did Trump say to the graduating class of monks?

You’re friar’d

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2uv3w/what_did_trump_say_to_the_graduating_class_of/
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What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk?

An udder failure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2usrm/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_doesnt_produce_milk/
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Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll drink for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2unqk/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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I may not have much else going for me, but at least I know I've got a cute butt.

Whenever I finish talking to a woman and I start to walk away they always say, "Finally!  Thank you!"
You're welcome, ladies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2uka5/i_may_not_have_much_else_going_for_me_but_at/
%
My proctologist tried to ease the awkwardness after the unexpected orgasm by telling me it's perfectly natural,

I just wish he'd have aimed away from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2u3ox/my_proctologist_tried_to_ease_the_awkwardness/
%
My Doctor told me I was overweight and I should do something daily that gets me slightly out of breath.

So I took up smoking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2u1qq/my_doctor_told_me_i_was_overweight_and_i_should/
%
My friend just asked me how I would react if I saw someone with a micropenis ejaculating.

I replied "Woah dude, that came out of no where!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2tz12/my_friend_just_asked_me_how_i_would_react_if_i/
%
Two people meet at a party

After talking for a while the girl asks :"Hey do you want to exchange numbers?"
The dude says :"Why? Wouldn't that be confusing for people who want to call us?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2tyuf/two_people_meet_at_a_party/
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Researcher: Do you cheat on your wife?

Me: Who else would I cheat on?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2tq0u/researcher_do_you_cheat_on_your_wife/
%
My wife and I made lists of people we're allowed to sleep with

She chose Ryan Gosling, and I chose the babysitter, and I *won*, and now she's mad at me.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Side note: I originally heard this joke on Dr. Katz, but cannot remember who the comedian was. Anybody happen to know? It's bugging me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2tohk/my_wife_and_i_made_lists_of_people_were_allowed/
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A policeman catches a man with some weed in his pocket

"You're going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!" the policeman stated.
"But officer, this weed isn't mine. It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet." the man replied.
"Oh, really? This I gotta see. If you can prove it, you're free to go!" the policeman challenged.
The man takes all the marijuana out of his pocket and puts it in the toilet. He then pulls the handle and watches it go down the drain. Several minutes go by and nothing happens.
"Why hasn't the weed appeared back in your pocket?" the policeman asked.
"What weed?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2tkyp/a_policeman_catches_a_man_with_some_weed_in_his/
%
A woman walks into a bar...

A woman walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. He gives it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2tksj/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their  waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that  the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the  woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid  all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the  woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently  unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress  finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the  woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the  table.'
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't ........
He just walked in the door.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2tb9r/a_man_and_a_woman_were_having_dinner_in_a_fine/
%
Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel looks at his watch. "Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?"
He asks her, "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh! Yes, let's! But we should change positions. This time, *I'll* hold the pigeon down, and *you* shit on its head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2t0x0/two_statues_were_standing_in_the_park_one_a_nude/
%
I want to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista.

It was a regular French roast.
*edit "went"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2sykb/i_want_to_a_cafe_in_paris_and_was_insulted_by_the/
%
A Pessimist, an Optimist, and a Literalist go Hunting

An optimist, a pessimist, and a literalist go hunting together. They make camp, and agree that one will go hunting while two stay at camp.
The pessimist asks to go first thinking that there won't be anything to hunt and wants to get it out of the way. They leave camp. Many hours later they return with a young deer.
"Wow! Exclaimed the others, "How did you get that?!"
"Well", the pessimist offered gloomily, "I found some tracks, and after walking for ever and ever, I saw the deer and Boom! I shot him."
"That doesn't sound so bad!" Exclaimed the optimist. And with that the optimist left camp to go hunt.
Not too long after they return dragging a ten point buck behind them.
"That's amazing!" Cried the others, "How on earth did you manage that?"
"Just like the pessimist", smiled the optimist, "I found some tracks, followed them, and Boom! I shot myself a ten point buck!"
"This is going to be easy." Stated the literalist. "You've both shown exactly what I need to do, so I'm bound to have the best kill off all!" And with that, the literalist left camp.
Hours passed. Night fell, and morning came, all with no sign of the literalist. The other two became extremely worried and agreed to go look for them. But just before they left, the literalist appeared.
They dragged themselves along the ground, beaten and bloodied, clinging to life.
"What happened?!" Cried the others.
"I don't understand," gasped the literalist, "I did exactly what you both did - I found some tracks, I followed the tracks, and BOOM! I got hit by a train!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2sx09/a_pessimist_an_optimist_and_a_literalist_go/
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Did you hear the joke between the woodpecker and the owl?

*knock knock* Hoo’s there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2sws4/did_you_hear_the_joke_between_the_woodpecker_and/
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No Potatoes

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any potatoes? "
The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of potatoes, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the potatoes are.
The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of potatoes, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the potatoes, I need some potatoes right now!"
The stockboy, getting frustrated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your potatoes from the back."
The lady agrees and the man starts the questions.
"Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. "
The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuck, as in potatoes. "
She replies "There is no Fuck in potatoes?"
To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2sq54/no_potatoes/
%
A Roman walks into a bar and sticks two fingers up

He says to the bartender “five beers please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2smyg/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_sticks_two_fingers_up/
%
I have a hat that renders my legs useless so I can park closer to the store.

It's a handy cap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2sk4b/i_have_a_hat_that_renders_my_legs_useless_so_i/
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Choose a color, I’m taking a survey.

Reddit is, then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2sjdb/choose_a_color_im_taking_a_survey/
%
Husband: I love you my dearest Yanny

Wife: Who the fuck is Laurel?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2s52x/husband_i_love_you_my_dearest_yanny/
%
God is LOVE!

The devil is 40, Match point!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2s4aj/god_is_love/
%
What did the mushroom say when he needed a little more time?

Amanita minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2s3yz/what_did_the_mushroom_say_when_he_needed_a_little/
%
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident...

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The wife's face was burned severely. The doctor suggested for a skin graft, but unfortunately, the doctor had to inform her that they couldn't use any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then offered to donate some of his skin for the skin graft.
However, the doctor said that the only suitable skin was from his buttocks. They accepted, but requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the wife's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!
One day, she was finally alone with her husband & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!”
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ryqn/there_was_a_married_couple_who_were_in_a_terrible/
%
My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2rlry/my_friend_developed_a_video_streaming_app_that/
%
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said.  "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two
coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch,
it's a Lexus...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2rioc/a_young_blonde_girl_in_her_late_teens_wanting_to/
%
I stopped a woman from getting kidnapped today.

My self control is really improving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2regx/i_stopped_a_woman_from_getting_kidnapped_today/
%
Best part of getting an amnesia

Finding tons of original jokes on reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2r7a0/best_part_of_getting_an_amnesia/
%
Did you hear about the car that drove through the party?

It was quite a Fiesta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2qlhv/did_you_hear_about_the_car_that_drove_through_the/
%
I could’ve sworn my dad said I could take any tool I wanted from the shed

But when I got there, he told me to take my pick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2qhc5/i_couldve_sworn_my_dad_said_i_could_take_any_tool/
%
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2qfzk/i_received_an_award_at_work_for_being_the_most/
%
Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2qfls/someone_told_me_today_that_humans_eat_more/
%
How did Marilyn Manson know there was someone at his front door?

The beautiful peephole, the beautiful peephole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2qclp/how_did_marilyn_manson_know_there_was_someone_at/
%
A police officer at my school said “We will never forget nine eleven”

I said well i sure hope not it’s your phone number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2q7ky/a_police_officer_at_my_school_said_we_will_never/
%
What causes arthritis

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2q7k1/what_causes_arthritis/
%
My friend asked me why can he see through me:

I told him that my son just had a gender change
So that makes me TRANSparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2q5a7/my_friend_asked_me_why_can_he_see_through_me/
%
(11/9 free joke) A furniture store keeps calling me.

All I wanted was one night stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2q2s5/119_free_joke_a_furniture_store_keeps_calling_me/
%
Why was the insane train conductor detained?

Because he had loco motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2q0j7/why_was_the_insane_train_conductor_detained/
%
When does a pentagon only have 4 sides?

When it intersects with a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2pztp/when_does_a_pentagon_only_have_4_sides/
%
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?

Christmas Four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2pl47/what_is_bigger_than_a_christmas_tree/
%
Ok here is a very dark joke. NSFW

Hitler and Mussolini were a lot like hydrogen and oxygen.
One did the burning while the other supported it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2pkaz/ok_here_is_a_very_dark_joke_nsfw/
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Religion is like a penis.

It's fine if you take pride in it,  but when you take it out and wave it in our faces, then it becomes a problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2pisb/religion_is_like_a_penis/
%
A wife was cheating on her husband when they both heard a key turning in the apartment door..

"Jesus, it's my husband" said the woman, "Quick, jump out the window".
"Are you crazy" the man said, " We're on the 13th floor".
"This is not time to be superstitious" she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2phuc/a_wife_was_cheating_on_her_husband_when_they_both/
%
NSFW How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

Spit it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2pgbh/nsfw_how_do_you_get_rid_of_unwanted_pubic_hair/
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Girl: Come over

Guy: Coming over
Girl: we should really stop using walker talkies in bed over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2pdva/girl_come_over/
%
What's black and white, and has a red bottom?

A naughty nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2p5yb/whats_black_and_white_and_has_a_red_bottom/
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All Americans should be educated as to what propaganda is when it’s constantly being thrown at them.

Propaganda is when a British person takes a good look at something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2oxxe/all_americans_should_be_educated_as_to_what/
%
Why did Mona Lisa plead innocent in court?

She was framed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2osb6/why_did_mona_lisa_plead_innocent_in_court/
%
If there was a show on 9/11, I would not watch it.

After all, the pilot would crash and burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2or40/if_there_was_a_show_on_911_i_would_not_watch_it/
%
The other day I carried a jar of sour cream into the sea. Some guy comes up to me and asked what I was doing

I said I was taking a dip in the ocean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2opby/the_other_day_i_carried_a_jar_of_sour_cream_into/
%
A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.
"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't have to come to school on monday."
The kids perked up and all listened to what their teacher would say first.
" 'To be or not to be, that is the question' who said this?" The teacher asked.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen on the first row called out "Shakespeare!"
"Good job, you don't have to come to school on monday." Said the teacher.
"No thank you, miss. I'm from Vietnam and it's in our culture to study as hard as we can, so i will be here on monday." Said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
"Okay, that's alright as well." Said the teacher.
"Who said the phrase 'I have a dream!'"
Little Fri sum Kat who was seated next to Pham was quick to yell out "I believe it was Martin Luther King Junior!"
"Good job, you don't have to come to school on monday." The teacher told her as well.
"No thank you, miss. I'm from China and with us Education means a lot in our raising as well. So I will be here on monday." Said little Fri Sum Kat.
"Alright." Said the teacher, before a voice was heard from the back of the classroom.
"Fucking immigrants!"
The teacher turned to her students and called out "who said that?" In an angry voice.
"Donald Trump!" Jack answered, getting up from his seat. "See you on Tuesday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ol3e/a_joke_my_dad_sent_me_today_but_i_translated_it/
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[OC] After area 51 raid, Joe drugged and took an alien to his home. When the drug worn off, Joe saw the alien walking towards him with a massive boner and he asked Joe in perfect English with a seducing voice "Who are you, sexy thing"?

Joe replied... Sapien.. No homo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ojv0/oc_after_area_51_raid_joe_drugged_and_took_an/
%
A roman, an american, and a jewish man all died.

They were immediately sent to hell because they had committed some pretty unsettling offenses in their lives. The roman was a lustful sex offender, the american was extremely gluttonous, and the Jewish man was very greedy and stole lots of money over his lifetime.
Well, God was feeling pretty generous and decided to give the three men a second chance on Earth. He gathered the men into his throne room and told them, “I will give you 24 more hours on Earth. If you go these 24 hours without committing your deadly sins, you will be granted an extra 10 years of life on Earth and a direct ticket to Heaven. But, if you commit your deadly sins, you will immediately be sent back to the deepest circle of the hell.” The three men unanimously agreed and were sent back to Earth to begin their trial.
The first thing the american did was buy out an entire hot dog stand and ate all of the food as fast as he could. Then, POOF! The american was gone.
The first thing the jewish man saw was a 10 dollar bill sitting neatly on the sidewalk. He bent over to pick it up, and POOF! The roman was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ofpq/a_roman_an_american_and_a_jewish_man_all_died/
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A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue is alive, yet has no active bodily function that would show. It has lungs but they do not breath, Legs that do not walk, and a brain that does not fire neurons.
This baffles scientists for decades till one high tempered scientist has had enough and screams out in front of it, “How could evolution create a creature that has lungs but doesn’t breath, Legs but dosent walk, and a brain that dosent fire neurons!”
The Statue then rises from its squatting position, thinks for a moment, then bellows “IT CANNOT.” Afterwards it returns to it’s squatting position.
The Scientist is ecstatic, and in a voice filled with realization he exclaims
“EGADS! It Only Stands To Reason!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2o85u/a_joke_i_will_always_love/
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Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for a few hours.

Throw a man out of a flying plane and he flies for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2o4th/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_he_flies_for_a_few/
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People: Why does iPhone 11 camera looks like a stove?

Me: Because Tim Cook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2nz6w/people_why_does_iphone_11_camera_looks_like_a/
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Mexican magician

A Mexican magician tells the audience he would disappear on the count of three
'uno, dos and puff...' . He left without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2nsqa/mexican_magician/
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Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl.
*wife returns from London*
Husband: Where is my gift?
Wife: Wait for 9 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2nnkr/wife_i_am_going_to_london_what_gift_do_you_want/
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An American, An Englishman and a Canadian were walking through a jungle said to be infested with cannibals...

Immediately they are ambushed by a group of cannibals and taken to the cannibal leader.
The leader feels sorry for them and tells them that he will let them go if they pick up any fruit within a 3 mile radius, get it back to the cannibal camp and manage to swallow it without making any facial expression or sound whatsoever.
The 3 people this set off on their task.
The Canadian heads north. He finds no fruit except lemons and gets it back to the camp. He tries to swallow it but chokes on it. The cannibals thus cook him and eat him.
The Englishman, who had headed south, finds strawberries and  happily gets it back to camp knowing that he would be saved. But, while swallowing, he immediately starts laughing and meets his end
In heaven, the Canadian asks the Englishman why he laughed when he could have easily swallowed the strawberries and saved his life. The Englishman says "when i was about to swallow the strawberries, i saw the American getting watermelons"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2nmou/an_american_an_englishman_and_a_canadian_were/
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I like my women like I like me cars

Rented, and locked up in the garage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2nm7b/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_me_cars/
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Whats the difference between a bad sniper and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but not hit and the other can hoot but not shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2nkcc/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_sniper_and_a/
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What do you say at a necrophilic gangbang?

Nothing. You just crack open a cold one with the boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2nhaw/what_do_you_say_at_a_necrophilic_gangbang/
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It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ngk7/its_my_cake_day_today_so_ill_give_you_one_of_my/
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A ninja, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Good to see you two!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2nfhp/a_ninja_a_priest_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_bar/
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As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fertilised it which helps the little seed start to grow, then every day me and daddy took care of that little seed; we gave it food and water, we played music for it to listen to, we made sure it was healthy, we talked to it about how much we loved it, we took it into the garden for fresh air and sun, daddy even used to sing to it. We tended and cared for that little seed every single day because it was super special.
Then after 9 whole months that little seed had grown into a beautiful amazing plant... so we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so wasted we fucked bareback and that's where you came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2nbjw/as_its_my_5th_birthday_mommy_will_you_tell_me_the/
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Jewish Thinking

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. However, the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."
A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island.
Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the yeshiva yet?" "No, Morris" she responds.
Morris smiles and then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" Oy, no! I haven't sent the check!!" she says.
Now Morris laughs out loud. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?" he asks.
"Oy, Morris I haven't sent that one, either!" says Esther.
Now Morris is practically choking with laughter.
Esther asks Morris, "So, nu? What are you smiling and laughing about?"
Morris answers confidently, "They'll find us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2nbc6/jewish_thinking/
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Did you hear about the guy who broke his left arm and leg?

He’s all *right* now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2n9zm/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_broke_his_left_arm/
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Why are Spain such a good football team?

Because no one ever expects The Spanish Inposition!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2n6t8/why_are_spain_such_a_good_football_team/
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Mom: what were you doing for an hour in the toilet?

Me: i was flushing 1500 terabytes worth of data
Mom: you had your laptop with you in the toilet?
Me: Sure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2n5pc/mom_what_were_you_doing_for_an_hour_in_the_toilet/
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In a mental institution, a doctor comes to check if the pacients are cured.

The first one comes in and the doctor asks:
"Hello sir, what is the answer to 7 times 7?"
The patient thinks for a while and says:
"Red."
The doctor decides that the patient is not cured and calls another one.
"Hello, would you know the answer to 7 times 7?"
The second patient thinks hard for a while and says:
"Green."
Frustrated, the doctor calls a third patient and asks him the same question. He thinks for 10 minutes and answers:
"49."
Happy now, the doctor asks him how did he know the answer, to which the patient replies:
"Easy! I just divided red by green"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2n335/in_a_mental_institution_a_doctor_comes_to_check/
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I wanted to tell a joke about a friend who lives upstairs..

But that’s another storey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2n0og/i_wanted_to_tell_a_joke_about_a_friend_who_lives/
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A fat man was standing in front of a kindergarten

One of the teachers comes and asks him:
"Are you expecting a child?"
"No. I am a bit fat that's all"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2my9b/a_fat_man_was_standing_in_front_of_a_kindergarten/
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A man goes to a psychiatrist...

...The psychiatrist says, "You're nuts!"
The man says, "I want a second opinion!"
Psychiatrist says, "OK, you're ugly, too!"
[ Apologies to Henny Youngman ]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2my3s/a_man_goes_to_a_psychiatrist/
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My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2mxdp/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
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The Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar.
“It’s been a while since I last saw you,” The bartender says, “you look pretty beat up, what happened to you?”
“Nothing much. I’m just fine,” the pirate replies.
“But what about the wooden leg?” the bartender asks.
“Ah, I got that a while ago. My leg was blown off by a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
“And what about the hook?”
“Oh, that. I got my hand chopped off in a sword fight.”
“How’s you get the eye patch, then?”
“Well, a speck of dust get in my eye.”
“You lost your eye from a speck of dust?”
“That was my first day with the hook.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2mtpm/the_pirate/
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Why should someone bring a car door with them in the desert?

If it gets too hot, they can roll down the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2msar/why_should_someone_bring_a_car_door_with_them_in/
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Whenever I have a lot of applications for a single job position, I throw half of them away

Sure I might be missing out on a great candidate. But then again, who wants someone with bad luck on their team.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2mpbz/whenever_i_have_a_lot_of_applications_for_a/
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What is the most unexpected place for piercing on women's body?

Dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2mkx3/what_is_the_most_unexpected_place_for_piercing_on/
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I tried making an anti social media platform.

But it never went anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2mda2/i_tried_making_an_anti_social_media_platform/
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Did you know that diarrhoea is genetic?

It runs in your jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2m96f/did_you_know_that_diarrhoea_is_genetic/
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Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing

nothing but cellophane. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2m72z/man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
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What does one lesbian vampire say to another?

See ya next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2m2uk/what_does_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_another/
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What did one southern swamp say to the other southern swamp when it was going home?

Bayou!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2lzmm/what_did_one_southern_swamp_say_to_the_other/
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My friend still hasn’t seen season 8 of Game of Thrones. And every time I try to broach the subject she just yells at me, “No Spoilers!” So I gave up on trying to warn her

That she shouldn’t name her baby, Khaleesi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2lvy4/my_friend_still_hasnt_seen_season_8_of_game_of/
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I'm so excited, big meeting at the bank today...

If it goes well, I'm debt free and can retire early. I'm so excited I almost forgot my Ski mask!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2lvpc/im_so_excited_big_meeting_at_the_bank_today/
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If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2lq9z/if_it_werent_for_arabs_we_would_never_have_911/
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My cousin lost his keys, and when he found them he went blind.

They were in the last place he looked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2lq0h/my_cousin_lost_his_keys_and_when_he_found_them_he/
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A german fired his revolver

bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang
A stranger asked  “How? A revolver only got six bullets”
”Nein!” the german replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2lot2/a_german_fired_his_revolver/
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First they came for the nihilists, and I did nothing.

That is all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ljy5/first_they_came_for_the_nihilists_and_i_did/
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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club..

..but I've never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2lj8o/this_girl_said_she_recognized_me_from_the/
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What do you give to an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2l76k/what_do_you_give_to_an_elephant_with_diarrhea/
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An entire dorm of teenage girls burns down, and tragically, 23 girls were killed in the fire.

Being young, they all go to heaven. In front of the pearly gates, St. Peter has them all line up. The first girl approaches and asks, "What do I have to do to get into heaven?"
"Well," Peter says, "have you ever touched a penis?"
"I did once. But I just poked it!" The girl replies.
Peter gestures to a bowl of holy water. "Alright, just dip your finger in and you can go through."
The next girl approaches, and Peter asks her the same question.
"My boyfriend asked me to grab it, so I did."
"Alright, dip your hand in the holy water and you can go through."
The girl does, but suddenly theres a commotion in the line. A busty brunette pushes her way to the front.
"What's going on?" Peter asks her.
She rolls her eyes. "If I'm gonna have to gargle that water, I want to do it before she," she points to the next girl in line, "sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2l4rx/an_entire_dorm_of_teenage_girls_burns_down_and/
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Why are chefs good lovers?

Because they understand the pan needs to be hot before putting their meat in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2l3m5/why_are_chefs_good_lovers/
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Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?

Because he was looking for a tight seal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2kvu2/why_did_the_walrus_go_to_the_tupperware_party/
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I went to M.I.T

I tell women I went to M.I.T. and said I did it in 2 years. They ask "you went to Massachusetts Institute of Technology" and I say no. Mississippi institute of trucking. It was a 1 year course but took me 2 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2kivf/i_went_to_mit/
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My grief counselor died recently.

He was so good I really didn’t mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2kdj9/my_grief_counselor_died_recently/
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Why was the mushroom farmer a good person?

He had really good morels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2k99s/why_was_the_mushroom_farmer_a_good_person/
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Church Priests will hate 9/11 anniversaries from now

Because it turned 18 today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2jvwt/church_priests_will_hate_911_anniversaries_from/
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They asked me if I have a degree in theoretical mathematics.

I told them I have a theoretical degree in mathematics.
They laughed, I laughed, HR laughed, the whole R&D department laughed. Then I got kicked out and they told me to never come back to NASA.
People can be so mean sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2jq5p/they_asked_me_if_i_have_a_degree_in_theoretical/
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I tried oscillating once

But I’m not a fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2jjhy/i_tried_oscillating_once/
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A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a problem, I have 5 penises."

The doctor says "Wow, how do your pants fit?"
He replies, "Like a glove."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2jhzs/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_ive_got_a/
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A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.
The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. The seer had numbered them, starting from 1A, and he mumbled to himself as they progressed.
"1A, Volcanic lava", he said, and cast a shielding spell as the lava rained down from the roof.
"1B, Whirling blades", and the rogue was dispatched to tumble through the deathtrap and disable it from the other side.
1E was a horde of pit vipers, whose fangs were dashed to dust on their half-orcish barbarian's stone skin, as she strangled them, one by one.
2G was just a mildly uncomfortable self-portrait of the dungeon architect, in the nude. "They can't all be winners," commiserated the seer, as he turned his inner eyes to the future.
Row three more than made up for the disappointment. Hydras, crushing walls, falling spikes, rains of acid. Bravely our heroes faced these obstacles, and bravely they started anew on the fourth row.
4A.
4B.
And then rocks fell, and everyone died. That, they weren't able to 4C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2jg7l/a_seer_was_recruited_to_help_a_party_of_heroes/
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What is Michael Jackson’s favorite chord?

A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2jfr7/what_is_michael_jacksons_favorite_chord/
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Can a ninja kill someone with a throwing star?

Shuriken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2jf42/can_a_ninja_kill_someone_with_a_throwing_star/
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The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2j41t/the_owner_of_a_drug_store_walks_in_to_find_a_guy/
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I took a poop in the elevator....

I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2j1mm/i_took_a_poop_in_the_elevator/
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Just Googled “Gary Oldman” and some pretty disturbing images came up…

Then I realised I’d left the “R” out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2j0xs/just_googled_gary_oldman_and_some_pretty/
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What did the left butt cheek tell the right one..?

If we stick together, we can stop this shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2j03c/what_did_the_left_butt_cheek_tell_the_right_one/
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A grizzly bear walks into a bar.

He leans on the bar and says "Barkeep, I'll have a...
...
...
martini, please."
And the bartender says, "why the big paws?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2iz5c/a_grizzly_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don’t vampires suck cock?

Oh wait… Twilight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2iwxi/if_one_drop_of_semen_contains_more_life_than_a/
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People always say there is nothing new on r/jokes but hundreds of new jokes go on every day!

Fortunately I’m not one of them, I’ve been here for an entire year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ihkr/people_always_say_there_is_nothing_new_on_rjokes/
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If women with big boobs work at hooters, where do women with one leg work?

IHOP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2igch/if_women_with_big_boobs_work_at_hooters_where_do/
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What do you call a smart lesbian?

Sapphisticated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2i6mc/what_do_you_call_a_smart_lesbian/
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What did the B say to the ○

You're a weirdo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2i1o0/what_did_the_b_say_to_the/
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Me: Rubs the lamp trelease the geniel

Genie: i shall grant you three
wishes
Me: i wish for a world without
lawyers
Genie: done, you have no more
wishes
Me: but you said three
Genie: sue me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2hzzb/me_rubs_the_lamp_trelease_the_geniel/
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A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, “Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.”
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, “If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.”
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
“Father,” replied the son, “I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.”
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, “If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.”
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
“Father,” said the son to this, “I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.”
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. “A carton of pink ping pong balls?”
“A carton of pink ping pong balls,” the boy confirmed.
“I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,” said the father, “but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.”
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
“Dear son,” said the father, “I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?”
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. “Please humour me, dear father.”
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
“Dearest father,” the son started, “I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.”
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
“Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.”
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
“Father,” the son said, “You've made me very happy yet again.”
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. “My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?”
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. “Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.”
The father held his son's hand tightly. “Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.”
“Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.”
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
“Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.”
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
“Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,” the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
“I—“ the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
“I— I—“
Then he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2hvoa/a_day_before_his_15th_birthday_the_son_of_a/
%
I used to be a banker

But I lost interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2hhu2/i_used_to_be_a_banker/
%
E.d. strikes again

A man was having problems with premature
ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what he could do to cure
his problem.
In response, the doctor said,
"When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate,
try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and
bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to
his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed,
naked and waiting.
As the two began, they found themselves in
the 69 position.
The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge
to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...
when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face,
bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came
out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2hawf/ed_strikes_again/
%
How do you open a parachute?

I need answers quickly please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2h62o/how_do_you_open_a_parachute/
%
I bought a bunch of antique spears online. But when I received them, they were all missing their spear heads.

I got shafted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2h2os/i_bought_a_bunch_of_antique_spears_online_but/
%
A math professor is trapped on a deserted island with nothing but a pie

He decides to ration the pie so he can survive for a month, and hopefully someone will have come by then.
He dies a week later cause he ate all the pie in one day.
He should’ve listened to what he told his students
“Pi is irrational”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2h13r/a_math_professor_is_trapped_on_a_deserted_island/
%
An old man and a young man bump into each other at the grocery store

They each say excuse me and the young man says "I'm sorry I bumped into you, it's just that I'm looking for my wife. I lost her somewhere in another asile."
The old man says I am also looking for my wife. Let's help each other. Tell me what does your wife look like?
The young man replies "shes a buxom blonde, 25 years old, has long legs and is wearing a short skirt. Now tell me what does your wife look like?"
The old man replies "forget that, let's go look for your wife".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2gxfd/an_old_man_and_a_young_man_bump_into_each_other/
%
Why is working at the abortion clinic so much fun?

They bring out the kid in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2gmhs/why_is_working_at_the_abortion_clinic_so_much_fun/
%
I saw a woman with a single boob and a beautiful tattoo that took up her entire back

I asked her how she could afford such a tattoo and she looked at me with tears in her eyes "tit for tat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ght3/i_saw_a_woman_with_a_single_boob_and_a_beautiful/
%
All the characters in Harry Potter are so well-developed. Well, except Nearly-headless Nick...

He was poorly executed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ggjc/all_the_characters_in_harry_potter_are_so/
%
Want to propose but don't quite know how to make it special?

Give that someone special a ring they'll never lose: Tinnitus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2gdtm/want_to_propose_but_dont_quite_know_how_to_make/
%
What kind of bread can pay for itself?

A Bank Roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2gbh7/what_kind_of_bread_can_pay_for_itself/
%
Since today is a palindrome, wanted to share with everyone my favorite one.

The word nothing, spelled backwards is gnihton, which also means nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2g5jx/since_today_is_a_palindrome_wanted_to_share_with/
%
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2g5dp/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
%
What is the battle cry of the Feminist wing of the Communist Party?

Seize the means of re-production!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2g15i/what_is_the_battle_cry_of_the_feminist_wing_of/
%
A guy asked a pharmacist for a box of 50 condoms behind the counter.

Two cute girls who were standing behind him giggled. The guy turned and looked the girls in the eye and still talking to the pharmacist said Make it 52.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2fu3e/a_guy_asked_a_pharmacist_for_a_box_of_50_condoms/
%
A foreign dignitary is being shown around a police station in Belarus, and he decides to as a question...

*Why do your police officers always patrol in teams of three?*, he asks.
*Simple,* his host says.
*There's always one that can read, and one that can write.*
*But what's the third one for?*, the dignitary asks.
*He's there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2fsmi/a_foreign_dignitary_is_being_shown_around_a/
%
what do you called a epileptic at a auction

the highest bidder!
(i can say this seeing i have it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2fpch/what_do_you_called_a_epileptic_at_a_auction/
%
Guns don’t kill people...

Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2fnwq/guns_dont_kill_people/
%
The average IQ of America rose by 3% today.

We’re happy to report the succesful birth of baby chimpanzee Pascal at the San Diego Zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2fhpy/the_average_iq_of_america_rose_by_3_today/
%
How do you make a hormone?

Don’t pay her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2fgh2/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
Traffic signs

I saw a sign that said "Slow men at work"
I thought how awesome it was that the "Slow children at play" will grow up and find work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2f87u/traffic_signs/
%
I never make predictions.

I never have and I never will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2f81j/i_never_make_predictions/
%
There are so many politically correct terms for disabled people nowadays...

Things like "special needs," "special ed," and "special Olympics," that's why it worries me so much when I hear of the "special forces" going to war.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ezh0/there_are_so_many_politically_correct_terms_for/
%
Three people are on a plane...

...and it's about to crash. The first man throws a hundred dollar bill out the window and prays. The second man throws a brick out of the window and prays. The third man pulls the pin on a grenade, throws it out the window, and prays.
Later, when people are on the scene, they spot a person yelling and laughing. They ask, "Why are you so happy?" and the person replies. "I was walking along when a hundred dollars fell at my feet!"
They then spot a person with a huge lump on his head. They go ask him, "What happened to your head?" and he replies, "A brick fell on my head when I was walking!"
They see yet another person with burns and bruises all over him. They ask him, "Are you a survivor of the crash?"
He says, "No, I farted and my house blew up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ez7s/three_people_are_on_a_plane/
%
I had spent hours doing paperwork. My buddy came and asked me if I had finished.

I told him "No.
This isn't even my final form."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2enru/i_had_spent_hours_doing_paperwork_my_buddy_came/
%
What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut, you racist bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ekbt/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_in_space/
%
I tried tongue kissing once.

Got kicked out the butcher's......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2eb17/i_tried_tongue_kissing_once/
%
Courtesy of my wife...

Why couldn’t the farmer fix his fence on the weekend?
There’s no post on Sunday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2e9fp/courtesy_of_my_wife/
%
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t shirt every hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2e5jn/my_wife_is_leaving_me_because_of_my_obsession/
%
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

Are you having a crisis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2e47i/what_do_you_say_to_your_sister_when_shes_crying/
%
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.

Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen”
Me: “Oh..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2e2sp/i_thought_id_surprise_my_girlfriend_for_her/
%
What's the difference between a raisin and a pothead from Alabama

One's baked in bread, and the other's a baked inbred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2e2em/whats_the_difference_between_a_raisin_and_a/
%
A high school bully sees an old victim at their reunion,

Bully: Hey virgin!
Victim: Im not a virgin, just ask your sister.
Bully: I dont have a sister, dumbass.
Victim: Just wait nine months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2e2d1/a_high_school_bully_sees_an_old_victim_at_their/
%
A man takes up Kung Fu, and ascends high to a mountain temple to train...

On his first day he tours the grounds with his master to witness the many fighting styles. Along the way he sees a warrior with no arms, and he asks his master "How can that man learn kung fu with no arms?"
"Don't you see?" Says the master. "Without arms he need learn no punches. Therefore his path to his own true Kung Fu is shorter than yours." Sure enough, the warrior demonstrates a flurry of elegant, devastating kicks, shattering training dummies before them.
They continue to tour the grounds. The man sees another warrior, this one with no legs. "How can that man learn Kung Fu with no legs?" Asks the student.
"Don't you see? Without legs he need learn no kicks. He will master true Kung Fu even quicker!" Sure enough, the warrior effortlessly smashes through wood and stone blocks before him.
Finally they approach a garden, in it a lone man sits upon a stone in deep meditation. He has no arms and no legs.
His master points to him and says. "Whatever you do, never pick a fight with that man."
"I think I understand, wise teacher, surely with no arms or legs, he must already be a true kung fu master!"
"What? No, he will bite your goddamn dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2dzsf/a_man_takes_up_kung_fu_and_ascends_high_to_a/
%
Two hats were on a hanger

One hat said to the other, "You hang  on here, I'll go on ahead".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2dz10/two_hats_were_on_a_hanger/
%
A policeman pulls over a car. As he goes up to the driver’s window, he realizes he pulled over two priests.

Embarrassed, he says “Oh excuse me, Fathers. We’re looking for a couple of child molesters.” The priests look at each other, then look at the cop and say “Alright, we’ll do it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2dy0q/a_policeman_pulls_over_a_car_as_he_goes_up_to_the/
%
Did you know that 60% of the world is dumb?

Glad I'm the other 30%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2dwv9/did_you_know_that_60_of_the_world_is_dumb/
%
*BREAKING NEWS* A baby is born without eyelids, and doctors use his foreskin to replace them.

The surgery was a success. The baby should make a full recovery, but he will always be a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2dwf2/breaking_news_a_baby_is_born_without_eyelids_and/
%
I had to put my cat down today.

She's overweight and my arms were getting tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2dr5z/i_had_to_put_my_cat_down_today/
%
Why was the painter fired?

He lacked luster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2dqtp/why_was_the_painter_fired/
%
I was talking to a hot girl at my friends funeral

I got mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2diul/i_was_talking_to_a_hot_girl_at_my_friends_funeral/
%
An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women.  The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.
"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."
"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. "See?"
The officer chuckles kind-heartedly and responds, "Ma'am that's the route number, not the speed limit"
The old lady looks embarrassed, but thanks the officer for the correction anyway.
He looks over to the sweating passenger and says, "Is she alright?  She's white as a ghost."
She pats her friend on the knee and says, "Oh she'll be alright soon, sir.  We just got off of 195."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2dd3z/an_officer_running_a_speed_trap_stops_a_car_on/
%
Meditation is a lot like pimping...

You gotta get your thoughts under control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ct28/meditation_is_a_lot_like_pimping/
%
I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room

He said "I'll be back in a GIPHY"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2cmbv/i_opened_my_gif_file_and_there_was_something/
%
What is Thanos' favorite video game?

Half-Life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2cm4x/what_is_thanos_favorite_video_game/
%
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says,

“They’re right behind you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2cjv2/a_woman_walks_into_a_library_and_asked_if_they/
%
I had my patience tested today

It came back negative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2cd2c/i_had_my_patience_tested_today/
%
Have you ever been hit by a TV?

It hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ca54/have_you_ever_been_hit_by_a_tv/
%
My husband and I both lost our jobs.

We were desperate for a way to make money so I brought up the idea of being a prostitute. He was ok with it as long as he was able to be close by for safety.
I was on the street corner when a car pulled up and a man asked what it would cost to fuck? I had no idea so I excused myself and ran over to the car my husband was in and asked what I should charge. He said, $200. I went back and told my customer and he said oh, how much for a blowjob then? I once again ran over to my husbands car and asked him, he said, $50.
When I told my customer $50, he agreed. I jumped in his car and he proceeded to pull out the most beautiful well endowed penis I've ever seen. I asked him to hold on for a second and jumped out of the car to talk to my husband.
I asked him, can we loan him $150?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2c8rf/my_husband_and_i_both_lost_our_jobs/
%
What do you call Chewbacca's wrongdoings?

Wookie mistakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2c384/what_do_you_call_chewbaccas_wrongdoings/
%
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its tiny brooms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2c2q5/how_do_you_keep_bacon_from_curling_in_the_pan/
%
Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.

As if "Fuck off you loser" was going to get me into bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2bs30/women_have_absolutely_no_idea_how_to_chat_up_us/
%
You can't breathe through your nose while smiling.

Ofcourse you can, I just wanted to make you smile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2bqhb/you_cant_breathe_through_your_nose_while_smiling/
%
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the tails come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the crocodiles are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2b4bj/a_rich_millionaire_decides_to_throw_a_massive/
%
A man walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk if he's got any helicopter flavored potato chips.

The clerk's replies, no, sorry, we're all out...
But, I've got plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2auex/a_man_walks_into_a_convenience_store_and_asks_the/
%
I’ve been too indecisive my whole life!

Or have I..?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2ahcf/ive_been_too_indecisive_my_whole_life/
%
What's worse than a suicide bomber?

....a suicide bomber with a resume.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2af67/whats_worse_than_a_suicide_bomber/
%
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2a1mp/i_accidentally_swallowed_a_bunch_of_scrabble_tiles/
%
I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas

but they usually go over people's heads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d29w83/i_know_a_bunch_of_good_jokes_about_umbrellas/
%
Telling bad puns

is how eye roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d29ti0/telling_bad_puns/
%
There are no skeletons in my closet.

The bodies haven't decomposed yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d29rlx/there_are_no_skeletons_in_my_closet/
%
The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
One of the clerks passed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d29pcm/the_retired_husband/
%
Did you know that Rick Astley is actually a very generous person and an extensive movie collector?

It's true!  He'll actually let you have just about any movie in his collection, with only one exception: The Disney/Pixar movie "Up."  This particular movie is a favorite of his and he keeps it on a shelf so high that you actually have to get a ladder and climb it just to reach the movie.  Be careful though, because if you do this, you're pretty much screwed because he's never gonna give you Up and he's never gonna let you down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d29mdj/did_you_know_that_rick_astley_is_actually_a_very/
%
What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d29m3n/what_is_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

This would cause a mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d29lff/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
So i went for a walk with a girl the other day-

... but then she noticed me and it turned into a run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d29i5w/so_i_went_for_a_walk_with_a_girl_the_other_day/
%
Nasa scientists became fed up of jokes on Uranus and decided to change it's name

It's now called Urrectum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d29gkj/nasa_scientists_became_fed_up_of_jokes_on_uranus/
%
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is getting out....

All of a sudden they hear the doorbell ring, so his wife wraps a towel around herself and goes downstairs to answer the door. Standing outside is their next door neighbour, Bob.
Bob gets a cheeky look on his face and tells the woman that he'll give her $800 if she drops the towel. She thinks about it for a few seconds, then decides to do it. She's now standing stark naked in front of Bob, who hands over the cash and leaves.
The wife puts on her towel and goes back upstairs. 'Who was that?' her husband asks. 'Oh, just Bob' she replies. 'Oh cool did he mention anything about the $800 he owes me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d29co5/a_man_is_getting_into_the_shower_just_as_his_wife/
%
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.

Sorry, bad joke, only 3 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d297k0/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
%
Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside
External:-  Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?
Student:- I will open the window.
External :- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compartment is 12 m3, the train is travelling at 80 km/hr in a Westerly direction and the speed of the wind is 5 m/s from the South, then how much time will  it take for the compartment to get cold?
The student can't answer, so he is marked fail and he comes out. After coming out he tells that question to the second student.
The second student goes in and his viva starts.
External :- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?
2nd Student :- I will remove my coat.
External :- It still is hot, then what?
Student:- I will remove my shirt.
External (angrily) :- If it still is hot, then what will you do?
Student:- I will remove my pants.
External (Fuming) :- And what if you die due to the heat?
Student:- Sir, I'll die but I'm not opening that damn window!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2972o/two_engineering_students_are_waiting_to_give/
%
What’s red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d290o9/whats_red_and_smells_like_blue_paint/
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A cowboy in town

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.  As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?“ The Cowboy says, “Well it’s like this Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt . so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts… so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy..' and here I am.” Son of a Gun, Blond men do exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d28ztu/a_cowboy_in_town/
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Voodoo Dick [NSFW]

A young Marine was preparing for his first deployment when he overheard some of the senior enlisted in his company talking about their wives cheating on them while they were away.
"My wife screwed the mailman"
"My wife screwed my best friend"
"My wife screwed Ssgt Jones's wife"
This troubled the young Marine as he had a very beautiful wife who he was very in love with.
So, a couple of days before he left, he decided to go to a sex shop to pick his wife up a dildo. Hoping that if she became lonely she would resort to the dildo instead of cheating.
When he entered the store, he was greeted by an older man in his late 40s and explained his situation. The man told him he had just the thing to keep his wife from cheating. The old man walked to the back of the store and removed a dusty old box and removed the dildo inside.
"This is called the Voodoo Dick." The man explained, "All you have to do is say 'Voodoo Dick' followed by whatever hole you want it to penetrate and the magic of the dildo will do the rest. To make it stop all you have to say is 'Voodoo Dick stop'."
The young Marine decided that this was his best option and bought the voodoo dick from the store keeper. He then drove home and showed it to his wife and explained how it works.
"Just say 'Voodoo Dick' followed by whatever hole you want it to fuck and the dildo will go to work"
His wife rolled her eyes and put the dildo away in the closet. Never expecting to touch it.
4 months pass and the Marine's wife is beginning to get very lonely and misses her husband dearly. It was then that she remembered the gift that he had given her and decided to take it for a spin. She undressed and removed the dildo from the box and remembering what her husband said, recited:
"Voodoo dick, my pussy" and the dildo went straight to work.
After nearly 30 minutes and several orgasms, the wife decided she'd had enough and tried pulling the dildo out. However the more she resisted, the rougher it went. She did everything she could think of to try to remove the dildo. Finally in a panic, she ran to her car and and started to drive to the hospital in hopes that they could save her.
The dildo just continued to work as she drove and due to her speeding and reckless driving caused by the unrelenting dildo, she was pulled over by a state trooper.
The officer walked up to her car and saw that she was undressed and squirming uncontrollably and asked if she was alright.
The wife frantically explained the situation and told him all about her husband being deployed and the voodoo dick and how she couldn't get it out and that she was on her way to the hospital.
The officer waited in disbelief as the wife explained her story and when she finished the officer simply rolled his eyes, shook his head and said,
"yeah, Voodoo Dick my ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d28mmz/voodoo_dick_nsfw/
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A nurse asked me recently, “Are you always this pale?”

I told him, “Only on caucasian.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d28maf/a_nurse_asked_me_recently_are_you_always_this_pale/
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The CIA has suddenly realized they've been making a horrible mistake

They've been using black sharpie instead of yellow highlighter for years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d28k6z/the_cia_has_suddenly_realized_theyve_been_making/
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I was wondering why the baseball kept growing bigger and bigger...

And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d28iqj/i_was_wondering_why_the_baseball_kept_growing/
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My 10 year old just opened a childproof pill bottle

“Welcome to adulthood, son.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d28ftx/my_10_year_old_just_opened_a_childproof_pill/
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A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks the wife, “What's the problem?”
She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”
The husband replies, “Well not exactly; it’s her that suffers, not me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d28cyp/a_young_couple_on_the_brink_of_divorce_visit_a/
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What did JFK say to Marilyn Monroe when she accused him of using her for sex?

“Marilyn, I’m taking you to bed not because you are easy, but because I am hard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d283xh/what_did_jfk_say_to_marilyn_monroe_when_she/
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What does the wind turbine say to the power plant?

I’m your biggest fan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d283ia/what_does_the_wind_turbine_say_to_the_power_plant/
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So, in "Infinity War"...

Doctor Strange is in battle with Thanos. He sees all the future scenarios that are possible. He lets Thanos get the infinity gauntlet, allowing the deaths of half the universe. He never tells anyone what exactly he saw. The other Avengers saw this as being an incredibly cruel decision to make.
Would that make Dr Strange's vision of the future...
...a super callous fighting mystic's mystery prognosis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d27ziv/so_in_infinity_war/
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Anyone wanna buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d27na9/anyone_wanna_buy_a_broken_barometer/
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Dating Joke

I used to date a girl who wore a patch over her eye.  One day when we were together, she said she wanted to stop seeing me, so I poked her in her good eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d278no/dating_joke/
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A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.
He continued to attend school but told no one of the troubles at his home. He learned how to sew clothes and make hats after school as he had to generate his own income, seeing as his family was dysfunctional. He made a steady income with his job and supported himself financially through most of High School.
In his final year of High School he attended an ethics class. He made and sold most of the fancy suits that all of his classmates needed in the ethics class. This sudden burst in income meant he could also support his own weight at university.
Four years later he graduated from university with a degree in mosquito rights. He wears one of his own silk hats everyday.
One day on the street he bumped into the most beautiful mosquito he had ever seen. He stepped back, lifted his hat and with a respectful nod to her said,
“M’laaria.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d276cc/a_mosquito_had_a_very_tough_upbringing/
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To the person at the office who stole my chair yet again

Whoever you are, Im not going to stand for this!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2748k/to_the_person_at_the_office_who_stole_my_chair/
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What did Slugma say when someone stole his car?

''Where did Magcargo?''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d26w6f/what_did_slugma_say_when_someone_stole_his_car/
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My physics teacher once told me that I've lot of potential.

Then he pushed me off the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d26v3o/my_physics_teacher_once_told_me_that_ive_lot_of/
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Blonde speeding...

There was a Blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please" "It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling. "That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license. "To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration. "She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? it says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d26ugb/blonde_speeding/
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Can we please stop with all the blind Stevie Wonder jokes?

I just don't see the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d26tzk/can_we_please_stop_with_all_the_blind_stevie/
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Student (to teacher): What you teach is all useless junk.

Teacher: Please don't deprecate yourself thus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d26pw3/student_to_teacher_what_you_teach_is_all_useless/
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Opinions

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a  Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d26kqe/opinions/
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A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.
Weeks later, the boy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him.
"Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks.
"They will pay me the next day to fix it," the boy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to £100 just for putting their fence back."
"But why do you need the money?"
The boy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d26iyz/a_boy_desperately_needs_money_to_buy_a_new_car/
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All genders walk into a restaurant

"We'd like a table for two"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d26bnl/all_genders_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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In 1986, Peter Davies

was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d26ag5/in_1986_peter_davies/
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I parked at a sign that said frog parking only!

I ended up getting toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d268v3/i_parked_at_a_sign_that_said_frog_parking_only/
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Euro-English

I know this has been posted before but it has been one of my favourites and hopefully someone would enjoy it as much as I did for the first time.
*******
**EURO-ENGLISH**
The European  Union commissioners  have announced  that agreement  has been reached to adopt English  as the preferred language for  European communications, rather than German,  which was the other  possibility.
As  part  of  the  negotiations,  the British government conceded that English spelling  had some  room for  improvement and  has accepted  a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro  for short).
In  the  first  year,  "s"  will  be  used  instead  of  the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.  Also,  the
hard  "c"  will  be  replaced  with  "k".  Not only will this klear up
konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik  enthusiasm in the sekond year,  when the troublesome "ph" will  be replaced by  "f". This will  make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In  the  third  year,  publik  akseptanse  of  the new spelling kan be expekted  to  reach  the  stage  where  more  komplikated  changes are possible. Governments  will enkorage  the removal  of double  letters, which have  always ben  a deterent  to akurate  speling. Also,  al wil agre  that  the  horible  mes  of  silent  "e"s  in  the  languag   is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil  be reseptiv to steps such as  replasing "th" by z" and "w" by " v".
During  ze  fifz  year,  ze  unesesary  "o"  kan  be  dropd from vords kontaining "ou",   and similar changes  vud of kors  be aplid to  ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav  a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil  be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu  understand
ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d268f9/euroenglish/
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The police knocked on the door of a small Appalachian farmhouse.

"Good evening sir. We have received a report that you have been distilling illegal moonshine!"
"Me?! Moonshining?! That is a god damn lie! Never have I been so insulted in my entire life! I've never done anything like that! These are evil rumours that somebody has spread! - And I'll tell you who has spread them. It is my bastard neighbour! He's just jealous that I won't let him taste any of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d266tf/the_police_knocked_on_the_door_of_a_small/
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My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...

...has always been my Achilles' elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d265c2/my_poor_knowledge_of_greek_mythology/
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My friend rents out his buildings— one to the neo- Nazis, and the other to the KKK.

He is a leaser of two evils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d264is/my_friend_rents_out_his_buildings_one_to_the_neo/
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What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d260mf/what_do_you_call_52_slices_of_bread/
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What did John Bercow say when the government caused a stink in the Parliament, last night?

"Odooour!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d25y16/what_did_john_bercow_say_when_the_government/
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A dog wearing spurs, two six shooters and a vest hobbles in through a saloons double swinging doors

He hops on a bar stool and says I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d25xs2/a_dog_wearing_spurs_two_six_shooters_and_a_vest/
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Anal sex parties are the worst.

There’s a lot of fuckin’ assholes there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d25w44/anal_sex_parties_are_the_worst/
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Knock Knock

Come in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d25v9j/knock_knock/
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I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d25u5t/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once_an_hour_later_i/
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What colour's the wind?

Blew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d25sy7/what_colours_the_wind/
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Tungsten Hydrogen Oxygen Rhenium Sulfur walked into a bar

Barman says "WHOReS not welcome here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d25q0f/tungsten_hydrogen_oxygen_rhenium_sulfur_walked/
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I just got married but my wife refuses to have sex with me

Something about her being on a honeymoon period?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d25jwm/i_just_got_married_but_my_wife_refuses_to_have/
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When you see a friend coming out of the bathroom in bar with a bit wet t-shirt, its like drinking americans beer.

You never can be sure if its piss or water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d25jjl/when_you_see_a_friend_coming_out_of_the_bathroom/
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If you suck at playing the trumpet

That's probably why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d25i8i/if_you_suck_at_playing_the_trumpet/
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What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I've never paid to have a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d25a6x/whats_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a/
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I may not always agree with masturbation...

But hey,  you do you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d258cp/i_may_not_always_agree_with_masturbation/
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One of my family photo dropped under a women's feet while sitting on a bus. When I asked her politely, I was shocked she slapped me.

I asked her, "Could you lift up your leg? I need to take a picture under your skirt".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d255ny/one_of_my_family_photo_dropped_under_a_womens/
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A Chinese kid approaches his father and asks him: "Daddy, why do they say we all look alike?"

The man replies: "Actually your father is the one over there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2556p/a_chinese_kid_approaches_his_father_and_asks_him/
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When can't Catholics travel at the speed of light?

When they have mass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d251ks/when_cant_catholics_travel_at_the_speed_of_light/
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Eminem walks into a bar and orders two shots of...

The bartender cuts him off and says, “You only get one shot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d24wt1/eminem_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_two_shots_of/
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What do you call sexting?

Textual intercourse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d24s3z/what_do_you_call_sexting/
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Wanna hear dadjokeszcź?

My English teacher told me to polish my pronunciation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d24rhz/wanna_hear_dadjokeszcź/
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Did you hear there is no longer an essay requirement on the SAT?…

...Now it’s just going to be called the T.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d24oxn/did_you_hear_there_is_no_longer_an_essay/
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My neighbor just buried $100,000 in his backyard garden..

..he wanted to make his soil richer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d24lya/my_neighbor_just_buried_100000_in_his_backyard/
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Elephants are the ultimate animal for use in espionage

Get them into a room and nobody will even acknowledge them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d24lx5/elephants_are_the_ultimate_animal_for_use_in/
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You know what really gets my goat?

El chupacabra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d24kxe/you_know_what_really_gets_my_goat/
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I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were going out and I was like...

...OMG!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d24ikt/i_heard_that_oxygen_and_magnesium_were_going_out/
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What kind of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d24he3/what_kind_of_bagel_can_fly/
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What do you call a millennial in a corn field.

Lost. They're definitely lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d24g7r/what_do_you_call_a_millennial_in_a_corn_field/
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A businesswoman works in a tall building.

She has to ride the elevator every day, and every day a man gets on the elevator, leans into her, sniffs, and exclaims "Your hair smells so good."
Every day, this happened. She'd get on the elevator, he'd follow, sniff, and say "Your hair smells so good."
Finally she confronted the man, threatening with a lawsuit. Sure enough, the following day, he got on and did it again. "Your hair smells so good!"
The woman, of course, went to the courthouse to file sexual assault. The judge tells her, "You can't file sexual assault against a man for telling you that your hair smells good!"
The woman leans over and tells the judge, "He's a midget."
- A joke my grandfather told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d248i6/a_businesswoman_works_in_a_tall_building/
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I saw a bloke with one arm and one leg was about to be hanged.

So, I started shouting out letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2472z/i_saw_a_bloke_with_one_arm_and_one_leg_was_about/
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What do you call someone who sells herself in exchange for a plate of spaghetti?

A pasta-tute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d24711/what_do_you_call_someone_who_sells_herself_in/
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How do you describe a person's breath that smells like metal coins?

Minted fresh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2446k/how_do_you_describe_a_persons_breath_that_smells/
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What do you do if someone interrupts your sunbathing and asks you to come inside for anal sex?

You stay well clear as that’s shady ass fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d23ppj/what_do_you_do_if_someone_interrupts_your/
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I saved a homeless guy today...

He said: "if you gave me that watch, I could die from happiness!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d23pp9/i_saved_a_homeless_guy_today/
%
9/10 people live next to paedophiles.

Good thing I live next to some sexy hot children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d23oja/910_people_live_next_to_paedophiles/
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“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

-  Trojan wall guards, probably.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d23njq/dont_look_a_gift_horse_in_the_mouth/
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I’m getting so sick of millennials and their attitudes.

Always walking around like they rent the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d23nil/im_getting_so_sick_of_millennials_and_their/
%
I bought a surprisingly good pen in Barcelona.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d23knf/i_bought_a_surprisingly_good_pen_in_barcelona/
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What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies.

Snow balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d23i6p/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and/
%
When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers

I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d23d7k/when_my_wife_sends_me_to_the_supermarket_to_get/
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What’s a syntax?

A tithe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d23b3m/whats_a_syntax/
%
Did you guys hear about the Porn Olympics?

There's supposed to be some stiff competition this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d23aad/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_porn_olympics/
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Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?

Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2386b/why_is_cinderella_so_bad_at_soccer/
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A man rushes his wife to hospital

As she finally lies down on a bed, she starts yelling "Don't! Shouldn't! Can't! Isn't!"
The man asks the doctor, "What's going on? She's speaking incoherently! Is this normal?"
The doctor nods unconcernedly. "Oh yes, it's perfectly normal," he says, "she's just having contractions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d230y7/a_man_rushes_his_wife_to_hospital/
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The young couple that live next door to me have recently made a sex tape.

Course they don’t know that yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d22ybr/the_young_couple_that_live_next_door_to_me_have/
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A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40.

I said no, 40 babies are enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d22xxh/a_friend_asked_me_if_she_should_have_a_baby_after/
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My girlfriend’s dog died so to cheer her up I got her another dog that was just like it.

But she was furious. She said “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d22taf/my_girlfriends_dog_died_so_to_cheer_her_up_i_got/
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What do you call a little person who cannibalizes their own family?

A munch-kin.
That joke was stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d22rtm/what_do_you_call_a_little_person_who_cannibalizes/
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Why was the ink drop crying?

Because his mom was in the pen and didn’t know how long the sentence was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d22qly/why_was_the_ink_drop_crying/
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I got kicked out of Weight-Watchers for making mean spirited jokes.

I accepted the decision with huge grace.
Cos she got kicked out too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d22mca/i_got_kicked_out_of_weightwatchers_for_making/
%
I was all yogad out so I asked my buddy if he was ready to go

He said “Nah imma stay”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d22lx2/i_was_all_yogad_out_so_i_asked_my_buddy_if_he_was/
%
Jesus and Moses decide to go fishing

Both sitting in a little boat, in the middle of the most beautiful lake in heaven, they start reminiscing about their days on earth. “Back on earth, I once stood on the shore, raised my arms and the sea opened up so I could walk across”
“You think you can still do that?” Asked Jesus.
Moses thought a bit, pulled in their lines and started rowing back to shore where jumped out, stood at the shoreline, raised his arms and sure enough the waters parted, as he lowered his arms the lake returned to normal. Both were impressed and they got back in their boat and headed back to the middle of the lake when Jesus remembered, “You know, when I was on earth I could actually walk ON the water.”
Moses grinned and said, “You should try it here!”
So Jesus swings his feet over the side of the boat, plants his feet, stands up aaaand immediately slips under the water. Quickly, Moses drags him back into to the boat and through tears of laughter announces, “I knew you couldn’t do it! Look at those holes on your feet!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d22l7z/jesus_and_moses_decide_to_go_fishing/
%
"Well look who came by for a little sucky sucky"

Vampire: "Don't say it like that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d22jka/well_look_who_came_by_for_a_little_sucky_sucky/
%
What do you call it when you reprimand upper case letters?

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d22hym/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_reprimand_upper_case/
%
How does a crazy person find their way out of the woods?

They take the psycho path.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d22ghg/how_does_a_crazy_person_find_their_way_out_of_the/
%
The most embarrassing erection I ever got was during a prostate exam.

Of course then he realised I wasn’t a real doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d22fso/the_most_embarrassing_erection_i_ever_got_was/
%
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a watermelon patch?

>!Melanie!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d22bde/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
What do you call a cheap circumsicion?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d229bv/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumsicion/
%
How many white house staff members does it take to change the weather?

One, and all the rest have to agree with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d2211t/how_many_white_house_staff_members_does_it_take/
%
A lion would never cheat on their wife

But a tiger wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d21zrq/a_lion_would_never_cheat_on_their_wife/
%
I heard someone in my town was giving away waterfowl...

So I stopped by to take a gander.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d21vq8/i_heard_someone_in_my_town_was_giving_away/
%
How do blonds brain cells die?

Alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d21trt/how_do_blonds_brain_cells_die/
%
Guy goes into a doctor’s office

Says “Doctor doctor, I keep getting these terrible headaches at night.”
Doctor goes “Hm, tell me, do you masturbate at all?”
Guy says “Well... sometimes, yeah...”
Doctor says “Oh it’s fucking brilliant isn’t it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d21ro3/guy_goes_into_a_doctors_office/
%
I just finished a book on how WD-40 came about.

It’s non friction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d21pwx/i_just_finished_a_book_on_how_wd40_came_about/
%
What did an orphan say to the other?

Robin, get in the Batmobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d21pkz/what_did_an_orphan_say_to_the_other/
%
Why did the frog have red legs?

Because it jumped on lily's pad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d21nxh/why_did_the_frog_have_red_legs/
%
>What do you call a person who worships god? [Maybe offensive]

\>>A jew
\>what do you call a person who worships a jew?
\>>Christian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d21epv/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_worships_god_maybe/
%
How does The Rock pee?

He Dwayne's His Johnson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d21bf9/how_does_the_rock_pee/
%
Your dad does the vacuuming in boxing gloves

Calls himself Dyson Fury

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d21ao8/your_dad_does_the_vacuuming_in_boxing_gloves/
%
An American, a Mexican, a Chinese,

a German, a Korean, an Australian, a Canadian, a South African, a Brazilian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Dane, an Iraqi, a Singaporean, an Indian, an Egyptian, a Vietnamese, a Nicaraguan and a Brit walk into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! You can't come in here without a Thai"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d214f8/an_american_a_mexican_a_chinese/
%
There are two types of people in this world

1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d20ywf/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed the ON button. He opened the chamber and swiped away the smoke, there, on the small metal plate lay the piece of ham, but it was not the same. The ham grew legs, not like human legs but tiny pieces of itself that held its weight and allowed it to 'walk'. The man was flabbergasted. He was thrilled about his new found success, he could change the world..somehow. He put the ham aside, and decided to up the scale. He made an entire sandwich, bread, lettuce, ham, cheese and the condiments too. A delicious sandwich was ready to be filled with life. He pressed ON, and boom just like the ham, the sandwich had grown legs. At this point the man had grown hungry, being so busy with his invention he had forgotten to eat. He grabbed the sandwich and thought how a sandwich that was alive would taste. He raised it up to his mouth but the sandwich somehow knew what was about to happen and kicked him in the face. He dropped it in shock and the sandwich ran toward the window and jumped straight out onto the pavement below. It picked itself up, rebuilt itself, leaving a small mess of condiments. The sandwich walked down the street, bystanders in awe. The sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says "sorry we don't serve food here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d20r0x/a_man_invents_a_device_that_makes_food_come_to/
%
Four fonts walk into a bar

The barman shouts "Oi, get out! We don't want your type in here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d20euc/four_fonts_walk_into_a_bar/
%
The dog farted, left the room to take a nap, and now everyone's blaming me!

I'll be damned if I'm gonna let sleeping dogs lie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d20epx/the_dog_farted_left_the_room_to_take_a_nap_and/
%
What do you call a flying cow?

A high stakes mission
This is my first ever post on reddit hope you like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d20dvf/what_do_you_call_a_flying_cow/
%
A man goes into a pet shop and sees a parrot with no feet...

...but he has an exceptionally long penis, and he uses it to stay on his perch.  He is well spoken and talks almost as well as any person, and has quite the intellect.
But because he has no feet, no one has ever been keen to buying him.  The parrot says, "Sir, if you take me home, I will do my best to keep an eye on everything and let you know if anything in your home needs attention!"
He asks the clerk, "How much for this parrot?"
"Well," says the clerk, "he's been here for years, and no one has ever even asked me a price.  You understand he has no feet, just a..."
"Yes, yes... I can see that.  How much?" says the man.
"Well, I'd like to see him go to a good home, so how does $50 sound?"
"Sounds great!  I'll take him!"
So the man pays the clerk and takes the bird home.
The next day, the man comes in from work and asks, "So how were things around the house today?"
The parrot shakes his head and says, "Oh, not too good, not too good."
"Why," asks the man.  "What happened?"
"Well," says the parrot, "the mailman came by today and your wife greeted him in a negligee."
"What?!?"
"There's more.  She invited him in and they started kissing."
"Oh no!" said the man, getting visibly upset.  "What happened next?"
"She took the mailman's clothes off."
"No!"
"Yes, she did."
"And then what?"
"Well, then she took her negligee off."
"You've got to be kidding me!  What happened next??"
"I don't know.  My dick got hard and I fell off the perch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d20cm3/a_man_goes_into_a_pet_shop_and_sees_a_parrot_with/
%
What do you call four hundred french rabbits turning around and running away from a fight?

A receding hare line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d202w5/what_do_you_call_four_hundred_french_rabbits/
%
Two nuns are bicycling down a street and one nun says, "I've never come this way before."

Other nun says, "Meh, me neither. Must be the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1zqg5/two_nuns_are_bicycling_down_a_street_and_one_nun/
%
A man gets on a bus and sees a beautiful nun.

He goes up to her and says “Excuse me maam, you’re absolutely stunning. Can I have sex with you?”
She gasps and slaps him then gets off the bus. The man goes up to the bus driver and asks for advice on getting her to sleep with him.
The bus driver tells him “every night she goes to her husbands grave and prays. I’m sure if you pretended to be god and visited her you could get her to have sex with you.”
The man spends the night looking for the most authentic god costume. When he finds one he changes and heads to the cemetery. Just like the bus driver said, he sees a nun in the graveyard praying at a grave.
He sneaks up behind her then says in a booming voice “I have come to help you my child. Tell me what you wish for!”
The nun grovels at his feet and responds “oh please, god, take me back to heaven with you!”
The man smirks, happy knowing his trickery is working, and says “very well, but you will have to have sex with me first!”
The nun quickly shakes her head, “okay but you can only put it in my butt. I must protect my virginity.”
The man is totally fine with this and they proceed to have anal in the middle of the graveyard.
When they’re finished the man pulls off his beard and says, “Ha! I tricked you! I’m the man from the bus!”
The nun pulls off their robes to reveal a hairy man, “Ha! I’m the bus driver!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1zq4z/a_man_gets_on_a_bus_and_sees_a_beautiful_nun/
%
A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."

She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1zkry/a_girl_asked_if_i_was_into_sm_i_dont_really_know/
%
With the citywide blackout, I couldn't tell if I was in front of my school or not. But I took a shot in the dark.

Yep, this is my school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1zk3q/with_the_citywide_blackout_i_couldnt_tell_if_i/
%
My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1zcw2/my_buddy_was_in_a_motorcycle_accident_and_lost/
%
Got arrested at the airport last week.

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you greet your friend Jack when boarding a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1zas9/got_arrested_at_the_airport_last_week/
%
What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1za2y/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_hangs_out_with/
%
A weasel, he walks into a bar

The barkeep is astonished
“A weasel!  Wow!  What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1za2d/a_weasel_he_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How does a Cajun know they’re hungry?

Their ass hole stops burning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1z78z/how_does_a_cajun_know_theyre_hungry/
%
3 blondes are walking along some tracks.

The first one says "hey these are bear tracks!"
The second says "no they are raccoon tracks."
The third says "no, they're deer tracks."
Then the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1z6d9/3_blondes_are_walking_along_some_tracks/
%
I made a mistake at the grocery store.

I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1z4kj/i_made_a_mistake_at_the_grocery_store/
%
Did you know women..

..are literal body builders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1z385/did_you_know_women/
%
Gravity's one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it?

Gravy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1z105/gravitys_one_of_the_most_fundamental_forces_in/
%
What's really old and can be found in my wallet?

The Queen's face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1z03l/whats_really_old_and_can_be_found_in_my_wallet/
%
Old lawyer and a young lawyer are standing together at a party when an amazingly gorgeous woman walks by. The young lawyer turns to the old lawyer and says "Wouldn't you like to screw her?"

The old lawyer replies, "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1yybb/old_lawyer_and_a_young_lawyer_are_standing/
%
Two anglers were sitting in a boat

A windsurfer passed by them. Suddenly the windsurfer fell and disappeared in the water. The anglers hurried to the spot and threw their nets out in an attempt to save the windsurfer.
Finally they caught something and pulled the lifeless body into the boat. They started to blow air into his mouth and performed CPR on him.
"Eww!" the angler blowing air into the mouth said "This guy has really bad breath!"
"Wait a minute!" the other angler said "We've got the wrong guy. This one is wearing ice skates!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1yx3w/two_anglers_were_sitting_in_a_boat/
%
Why should you never tell a joke to a kidnapper?

Because they’ll take you, seriously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1yv3p/why_should_you_never_tell_a_joke_to_a_kidnapper/
%
I made a belt out of watches.

It was a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1yq0d/i_made_a_belt_out_of_watches/
%
Never date a tennis player..

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1yjhv/never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
How often should you tell chemistry jokes?

Periodically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1yi1t/how_often_should_you_tell_chemistry_jokes/
%
Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning... So I stopped and said jump in i will give you a lift... "FUCK OFF" he screamed at me....

What an ungrateful bastard, I thought as i zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ygdz/saw_my_dwarf_neighbour_at_the_bus_stop_this/
%
Did you hear they banned accounting if Afghanistan?

Apparently there's a tally ban

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1yedj/did_you_hear_they_banned_accounting_if_afghanistan/
%
Who was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ydif/who_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
What does a sex-addicted atheist believe in?

Nutting!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1y6vz/what_does_a_sexaddicted_atheist_believe_in/
%
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex

I was sore and couldn't walk after. But at least my dad came!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1xyrr/my_first_highschool_football_game_was_a_lot_like/
%
Unless you're Tutankhamun

Being a full time mummy is not a fucking job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1xstz/unless_youre_tutankhamun/
%
The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1xjo2/the_plastic_straw_bans_now_happening_in_many/
%
What’s the difference between the french and toast?

You can make soldiers out of toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1xjkv/whats_the_difference_between_the_french_and_toast/
%
Man walks into a bar

Orders the most expensive bottle of champagne and downs it in one. He then orders the very best brandy and polishes it off the same way. He looks at the barman and says I really shouldn’t have done that with what Ive got. The barman says “why what have you got ?” The man replies £3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1xhpn/man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did baby corn say to mama corn?

Where is pop corn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1x6yk/what_did_baby_corn_say_to_mama_corn/
%
TIL if your wife asks you if you know where the broom is...

... it's not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1x4mi/til_if_your_wife_asks_you_if_you_know_where_the/
%
A man walks into a bar

He orders a round drinks it and then checks his shirt pocket. He orders another round, drinks it, and checks his shirt pocket again. After 5 more times of this happening the bartender finally asks:
"Why do you keep looking in your shirt pocket"
The man looks at the bartender and says:
"When the picture of my wife in there starts to look good I go home"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1x42s/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So they ask their friend Mr chicken who has always been a great singer. Soon they are getting large gigs at concert and are world famous. They have all the money they could wish for. Sadly Mr chicken gets sick and the band is forced to break up. A few weeks later Mr chicken passes away. Mr pig is devastated and changes his name and goes completely off the grid. Mr Horses parents also get into a large dispute and get a divorce. Mr Horse now has no friends or family to go to. He enters a downward spiral and turns to substance abuse. Eventually he comes back to his senses and decides to put together the last of his money and go on one big solo tour around the world to show everyone that he still has his talent but the tour fails and he loses his money. He decides that he is going to drown out his sorrows in with alcohol.
Horse walks into a bar and the barman says “why the long face?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1x0gx/mr_horse_has_always_wanted_to_play_the_guitar/
%
What is the difference between a hot potato and a pork chop on the floor?

One is a heated yam and the other one is a yeeted ham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1wzbr/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hot_potato_and_a/
%
I asked 100 women what shampoo they prefer to use in the shower

They all replied with "how did you get in here!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1wt4r/i_asked_100_women_what_shampoo_they_prefer_to_use/
%
I needed to go to the optometrist the other day, guess who I bumped into?

Everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1wp6t/i_needed_to_go_to_the_optometrist_the_other_day/
%
Thank God I finally quit exaggerating

I used to do it at least a hundred times a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1wo8m/thank_god_i_finally_quit_exaggerating/
%
Why did the scarecrow win employee of the month?

He was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1wkz2/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_employee_of_the_month/
%
How to make holy water in two easy steps

1) Take a pan of water and set it on the stove
2) Boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1wdnx/how_to_make_holy_water_in_two_easy_steps/
%
What does your Girlfriend and Fortnite have in common?

They both suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1waw7/what_does_your_girlfriend_and_fortnite_have_in/
%
Jack and Jill

went up the hill to smoke some marijuana Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said you know you wanna Jill said yes and lifted then lifted up her dress they had some fun but silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1w7a3/jack_and_jill/
%
My mom told me this one

If you wanna get in touch with your inner self use cheap toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1w6wl/my_mom_told_me_this_one/
%
I am trying to think of a joke about having a boner

it is really hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1w180/i_am_trying_to_think_of_a_joke_about_having_a/
%
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases?

No? They have been making headlines everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1w0tk/have_you_heard_about_the_new_corduroy_pillowcases/
%
What is blond and has 2 brain cells?

Conjoined twins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1vx0d/what_is_blond_and_has_2_brain_cells/
%
Angry Cowboy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.  Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.  "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.  "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly.  The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.  He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1vti0/angry_cowboy/
%
I preform circumcisions at the local synagogue.

The pay isnt that great, but I get to keep the tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1vkvh/i_preform_circumcisions_at_the_local_synagogue/
%
So grandpa, you're 101. What's your secret?

"One time I sucked a cock for a cigarette."
I meant secret for your longevity.
"Oh! Fruits and vegetables."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1vj6z/so_grandpa_youre_101_whats_your_secret/
%
I can talk to dead people. Literraly.

well, they can't really reply but ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1vimb/i_can_talk_to_dead_people_literraly/
%
[NSFW] A young couple is hooking up.

They decide to go to her place. Then they started kissing and making out. Then they pull off one piece of cloth after the another until the young man stops.
Him: "I must confess sonething!"
Her: "What is it?"
Him: "I have a penis like an infant."
Her: "Oh dear! Size doesn't matter!" and proceeds kissing him. They then start to make out again and pulling off their clothes. As she pulled down his pants she suddenly stopped and screamed.
Him: "What is it?!"
Her: "It is so big! Way to underestimate your size?!"
Him: "I told you the truth! Like an infant. 42cm big  and weighs 4.6kg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1vho8/nsfw_a_young_couple_is_hooking_up/
%
I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup.

I had the best vowel movement in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1vf19/i_just_ate_4_cans_of_alphabet_soup/
%
Do you know what DNA stands for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1v8cd/do_you_know_what_dna_stands_for/
%
My girlfriend laughed when I said I still had a body of an 18 year old

Until she checked the other freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1v5xy/my_girlfriend_laughed_when_i_said_i_still_had_a/
%
I went to a new butcher's today with my wife...

And the butcher propositioned me: "If you can grab all the meat off the top shelf in 10 seconds, you'll get it all for free! However if you fail, I get to spend the night with your wife!"
I looked at the meat and I thought about it for a moment then replied: "I'd like to try but I just can't. The steaks are too high"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1uzs7/i_went_to_a_new_butchers_today_with_my_wife/
%
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek ?

Together...we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ul37/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other_butt/
%
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob ?

If we don't get some support , people will think we're nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ujkd/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
Three Men are sitting at a bus stop

The first man says, "I served in the U.S. Army for 10 years. I was involved in the Korean War."
The second man says, "Nice. I served in the United States Marine Corps for 8 years. I was involved in the Iraq War."
The third man says, "I was involved in the War on Drugs. I served 15 years at San Quentin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1uj8c/three_men_are_sitting_at_a_bus_stop/
%
What's the definition of subjective?

depends on who you ask :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1uesk/whats_the_definition_of_subjective/
%
For the guy who invented 0

Thanks for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1udw5/for_the_guy_who_invented_0/
%
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women."

The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1trcd/a_drunk_was_in_front_of_a_judge_the_judge_says/
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What’s the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls?

You can’t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1toe8/whats_the_difference_between_a_truck_load_of/
%
Guy goes to the doctor, the doctor says: I have a bad news and a good news.

P: what is the bad news?
D: because of your condition you’ll have to live on a very strict diet. No chocolate or sweets, no fried stuff, no coffee, no meat, no bread, no milk and no milk products in general. You can eat only green vegetables. And you’ll have have to keep this diet for the rest of your life.
P: that’s awful! What is the good news?
D: because of your condition, you’ll only need to keep the diet for a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1tm5o/guy_goes_to_the_doctor_the_doctor_says_i_have_a/
%
A little 5yo girl goes into a petshop

Hello, I want a little bunny
Worker: Sure, you want that small fluffy white one or the small puffy brown one?
Girl: I dont think my python cares...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1tj0f/a_little_5yo_girl_goes_into_a_petshop/
%
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

He needed some space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1t40v/why_did_the_astronaut_break_up_with_his_girlfriend/
%
Why do people find anti-vaxx jokes funny?

Because they never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1t38j/why_do_people_find_antivaxx_jokes_funny/
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What do you get when you boil a funny bone?

A laughing stock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1t26z/what_do_you_get_when_you_boil_a_funny_bone/
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Researchers have recently started using lawyers instead of rats in their lab experiments.

You don’t get so attached to them, and there are some things a rat just won’t do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1swl5/researchers_have_recently_started_using_lawyers/
%
What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!
This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1sej1/what_do_you_call_a_company_that_replants_fields/
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Dublin’s Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to git cancer?”

“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And  now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’  cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that  true,?”
“Sure is, Patrick.”
“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?”
“Yep.”
“And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.“But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin’ . . .
What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1sb2r/dublins_patrick_oshea_called_his_lawyer_and_asked/
%
What do you call a can that won’t open?

Cannot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1s2ir/what_do_you_call_a_can_that_wont_open/
%
What do you call a beautiful woman who likes Mexican food?

Taco Belle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1rznp/what_do_you_call_a_beautiful_woman_who_likes/
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A woman asked me, “What does equality mean?”

I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1rypg/a_woman_asked_me_what_does_equality_mean/
%
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory…

All I did was take a day off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ry55/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_the_calendar/
%
Why did the Comdom fly across the room?

It was pissed off.
this is an old joke from school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1rxyf/why_did_the_comdom_fly_across_the_room/
%
I like sex just like school trips.

With consent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1rwgs/i_like_sex_just_like_school_trips/
%
Camel and an Elephant

A camel and elephant are talking one day, and the elephant says to the camel, "Why are your tits on your back?"  The camel replies, "I don't know.  Why is your penis on your face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1rvfs/camel_and_an_elephant/
%
As chosen by voters, Germany's Berlin Zoo named their two newborn pandas "Hong" and "Kong".

Upon hearing the news, China reacted fiercely and decided to withdraw all pandas from every country back to mainland China. It was a logistical nightmare⁠ to bring all the pandas back—it was pandemonium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ru93/as_chosen_by_voters_germanys_berlin_zoo_named/
%
Why didn’t the bouncer let Sigmund Freud into the nightclub?

He forgot his Id

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ru7y/why_didnt_the_bouncer_let_sigmund_freud_into_the/
%
I helped my wife design her marijuana costume for the fancy dress party.

It was a joint effort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1rt7c/i_helped_my_wife_design_her_marijuana_costume_for/
%
I went to my doctor with severe constipation. I explained to him about my really, really dense bowel movements.

"Tough shit," he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1rsso/i_went_to_my_doctor_with_severe_constipation_i/
%
A man walks into a Jewish Barber shop and pulls down his pants

He says to the barber, "A little off the top please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1rs51/a_man_walks_into_a_jewish_barber_shop_and_pulls/
%
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes

That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1rodn/never_criticize_a_gun_owner_until_youve_walked_a/
%
A man walks into a French man in a urinal

“Sorry!” He says, “I didn’t realise European!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ro21/a_man_walks_into_a_french_man_in_a_urinal/
%
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1rned/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
%
I want to leave this world the same way I entered it...

An unfinished blowjob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1rft0/i_want_to_leave_this_world_the_same_way_i_entered/
%
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1rf75/how_do_you_measure_how_heavy_a_red_hot_chilli/
%
There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick

One day Rain asked his mom, "Mom why am i named Rain?" "Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.” Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?” “Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.” Then Brick asked his mom, “URGUTUREWESADJ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1rb29/there_was_a_lady_with_3_sons_named_rain_snow_and/
%
Got arrested at the airport last week.

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1r9xk/got_arrested_at_the_airport_last_week/
%
A Machine Learning Expert at an interview

Interviewer: "What can you say is your biggest strength?"
ML Expert: "I'm an expert in machine learning."
Int.: What's 6 + 10?
ML E.: Zero.
Int.: That's not even close! it's 16!
ML E.: Okay, it's 16.
Int.: What's 10 + 20?
ML E.: It's 16.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1r6mq/a_machine_learning_expert_at_an_interview/
%
I once lost a fight with some underwear.

I was up against a pair of boxers.
But it was very brief.
'Cause I'm pants at fighting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1r5zp/i_once_lost_a_fight_with_some_underwear/
%
I like my men the way I like my employees

Hard at work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1r1qx/i_like_my_men_the_way_i_like_my_employees/
%
What's a mathematician's favorite restaurant?

K(C)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1qwlu/whats_a_mathematicians_favorite_restaurant/
%
I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1qvfb/i_once_met_a_guy_who_was_convinced_that_there/
%
If I had a nickel for every time I was cursed by a puppet..

I'd have two nickels. Which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1qu6x/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_i_was_cursed_by/
%
Caesar: Want to go see a movie? Brutus: Sure which one?

Caesar: It 2, Brute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1qny4/caesar_want_to_go_see_a_movie_brutus_sure_which/
%
Prostitution Noun :/ˌprɒstɪˈtʃuːʃn

The arcane female art of getting money out of men while at the same time making them feel guilty for giving it to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1qgsf/prostitution_noun_ˌprɒstɪˈtʃuːʃn/
%
I took a job with a "competitive salary".

In the end, the salary beat me to the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1qfrk/i_took_a_job_with_a_competitive_salary/
%
My wife said we need to exercise more. My response was sex can be exercise.

Her response to that was exercise has to last more than five minutes for it to count!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1q8iu/my_wife_said_we_need_to_exercise_more_my_response/
%
When it comes to what I like most about dad jokes, I will say this:

this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1q6u6/when_it_comes_to_what_i_like_most_about_dad_jokes/
%
Why do cats like to step on computer keyboards?

jfjkl;fdasljki;l nkfskllkteqjpteqjwtjokkkkkkkllllll..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1q4rt/why_do_cats_like_to_step_on_computer_keyboards/
%
I stopped a woman from being kidnapped today

My self control is really improving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1q4nz/i_stopped_a_woman_from_being_kidnapped_today/
%
A billionaire gets an idea to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii

He approaches a civil engineer to design this massive bridge for him.
The engineer tells him, “Look, this isn’t a matter of money, it simply can’t be done. The Pacific Ocean is too deep, no concrete beam could support the pressure of the depths, let alone the thousands that would be needed to make this bridge a reality. I’m sorry, but it’s just not possible.”
The man is disappointed, but then says “Okay. Well can you help me with one more thing?”
B: “Can you help me understand women?”
The engineer thinks for a moment...
“Would you like that two lanes or four?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1q4dx/a_billionaire_gets_an_idea_to_build_a_bridge_from/
%
3 blonds walk in to a bar..

You think one of them would have seen it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1pqbk/3_blonds_walk_in_to_a_bar/
%
Trump jokes trump all the time

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)
Trump agrees to then asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up: “If my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”
“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl then raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone else here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If Air Force One, carrying you Mr. President, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well” said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1pp2h/trump_jokes_trump_all_the_time/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots.

Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents,” and runs out the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1pmge/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_12_shots/
%
My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..
I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1pkm1/my_wife_said_she_would_rather_commit_suicide_than/
%
What do you get when you cross Big Bang Theory, 2 and a half men and How I met your mother?

How I banged your mother with 2 and a half men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1pjw6/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_big_bang_theory_2/
%
I saw a man take a gate from my front yard the other day,

I didn't say anything, I didn't want him to take a fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1pi7h/i_saw_a_man_take_a_gate_from_my_front_yard_the/
%
Flood joke from a catechism

Religious guy's town started flooding, and when the water reached his porch he started praying for help. Suddenly, a divine voice told him, "Bob, you are a good person, I have heard your prayers and I will save you!"
A few minutes later some woman in a small inflatable raft paddled by.
"Hey, get in!" she yells.
"No need, someone promised to save me!" Bob said with confidence.
She shrugged and padded away.
Water kept rising, and the guy moved to his second, top floor. Soon, he heard a boat's engine, and he looked out the window.
"Hey, you in the window! Get in!" the captain shouted.
"Nah, God will save me!"
The captain stared, then shrugged and decided to go rescue other people.
It started getting dark and water kept rising, so Bob had to get on his roof. Suddenly, a bright light shone on him from the sky, he looked up and smiled, ready to be saved by the Lord.
Then, a piece of rope slapped him in the face and a megaphone boomed, "Get on the rope ladder, we'll pull you in! Quickly!"
Disappointed, Bob yelled back "no need! Go away!"
The pilot then pulled the ladder in, evacuating as the weather started to become too bad to fly.
Bob eventually drowned and faced God in Heaven.
"Why didn't you save me?" he asked, upset.
"What do you mean, Bob? I've sent you a raft, a boat, and even a helicopter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1pedo/flood_joke_from_a_catechism/
%
What’s it called when multiple bookshelves of books falls on you?

A title wave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1pdfq/whats_it_called_when_multiple_bookshelves_of/
%
Do all German girls have the same number?

Because every one of them I've asked out say 99999

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1p781/do_all_german_girls_have_the_same_number/
%
Read in "Playboy", told by CC, herself, on "the Tonight Show"

Cindy Crawford and a crewman survive her yacht sinking and make their way to a deserted island.  There's fresh water and plenty of fruit to eat, so they settle in to wait for rescue.  A few weeks go by and Cindy's feeling a "need".  She asks the crewman for help and he's happy to oblige.
This becomes their new normal, but after a week or so, he's less than enthusiastic.  She asks if there's something she can do to make it better for him.  He stammers around, but finally gives her his clothes.  "Can you put these on?"  She complies.
"Can you ... sort of ... slouch?"  She complies.
"Can you hook your thumbs in your waistband?"  She's beginning to get an idea.
"Wait here!"  She's pretty sure she's right.
He sidles up to her and says, "Hey, buddy, I'm schtupping Cindy Crawford!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1p48k/read_in_playboy_told_by_cc_herself_on_the_tonight/
%
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, Idiot! Breathe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1p3h6/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
%
Dark humor is like free healthcare

Not everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1p38c/dark_humor_is_like_free_healthcare/
%
A woman applies for work at a construction site.

Her skills and recommendations are superb, so the foreman is ready to offer her the job.  "We are kinda rough here.  And we use body parts in our "sign language" to get around the noise and distance on the site."
"No problem," she replies, "all part of the job."
Soon, the foreman is on the top floor, lacking the proper tool.  He looks down, sees his new hire, and signals to her.  He points to his eye, then his knee, then pounds his fist into his other hand.  "I need a hammer."
She nods her head to acknowledge him, then starts masturbating.
He shakes his head in surprise, then repeats, "Eye knee-d a hammer."
She nods again, then again, uses both hands to fondles her own body.
He comes down to confront her.  "What the Hell?", he demands.  "I need a hammer!"
"I know!  I left tit in the box!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1p13f/a_woman_applies_for_work_at_a_construction_site/
%
Have You Tried

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" "Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1p0r2/have_you_tried/
%
[NSFW] A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ov5r/nsfw_a_teenage_boy_was_delivering_papers_to_an/
%
A 100 meter race

Announcer : 1 2 3 start.
Everyone except one guy started running.
Announcer : Why aren't you running ?
The guy : Because my number is four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1oms9/a_100_meter_race/
%
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied …
“Go look in the garage!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1om79/with_a_very_seductive_voice_the_woman_asked_her/
%
Two cows are talking to each other.

Cow 1: Did you hear about the delusional cow disease?
Coe 2: why the hell would I care? I'm a helicopter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1om0h/two_cows_are_talking_to_each_other/
%
I changed the ringtone for my Ex-wife to an old modem dialup sound

Nostalgic, brings great memories but Holy Hell I don't want that 52Kbps piece of shit back in my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1oemv/i_changed_the_ringtone_for_my_exwife_to_an_old/
%
Space joke

Whats the similarity between Starship Enterprise and toiletpaper.
They both circling around Uranus looking for Klingons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ocah/space_joke/
%
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Because it's pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1oap2/why_shouldnt_you_write_with_a_broken_pencil/
%
What do you call a clock made out of records?

Its the vinyl countdown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1o9eb/what_do_you_call_a_clock_made_out_of_records/
%
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman, “OK, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?“
“Well, I raised over 1,000 cocks last year.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1o4dw/a_woman_walks_into_an_accountants_office_and/
%
How is a bubble similar to a virgin?

One prick and it's gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1nyzf/how_is_a_bubble_similar_to_a_virgin/
%
Beer companies

3 CEOs from 3 beer companies, namely Budweiser, Castle and Heineken, are attending a conference where each of them has to give a speech. Before they start all 3 are sitting in the waiting area and an attendant comes and asks them what they would like to drink while they are on stage.
The CEO from Budweiser asks for a Bud light to drink while he gives his speech, the CEO from Castle light to drink while he gives his speech and the CEO from Heineken asks for water. Confused the other 2 CEOs asks the CEO from Heineken why he asked for water, to which the CEO replied "Well, if you guys aren't going to drink beer while giving your speeches I guess I should not either"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1nt8g/beer_companies/
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An old man is sitting with his grandson in his hunting cabin...

Among the walls are the mounted heads and pelts of animals he had taken down over the years.
The boy points to a sizable pair of antlers, and says "Wow Grandpa, those are *big* antlers!"
"They sure are. That deer was a majestic creature," the old man responds.
The boy then points to the head of a moose that had been mounted above the fireplace, and exclaims "Gee Grandpa, that sure is a *big* moose!"
"He sure is! I was afraid the old bastard was gonna run me down!" The old man chuckles.
Then the boy turned his attention to the gigantic stuffed grizzly bear in the corner of the cabin, and remarks "That's a *huge* bear, Grandpa!"
"For sure he is," the old man agreed, "that bugger snuck right up behind me, stood *waaaaaay* up on his hind legs and let out a big 'ROOOOOOAAAAR'... and I shit my pants."
"I can't blame ya Grandpa," the kid said, "I probably would've pooped my pants too, seeing a bear that big."
"No," the old man laughed, "I meant just now, when I went 'ROOOOOOAAAAR'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1nsos/an_old_man_is_sitting_with_his_grandson_in_his/
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Me and my friend made a bank account just to save up for drugs

I call it 'joint' account

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1na7q/me_and_my_friend_made_a_bank_account_just_to_save/
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What do you call data that evaporates?

Cloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1n8se/what_do_you_call_data_that_evaporates/
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An American, an Englishman and an Irishman Walk into a Bar..

Barman: What are you guys having?
American: I'll have a Budweiser
Englishman: I'll have a Carling
Irishman: I'll have a water, seeing as none of us are drinking...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1n4jg/an_american_an_englishman_and_an_irishman_walk/
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Horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender: Say Horse, why the long face?
Horse: fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1mvb4/horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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You: I hate you

Me: Well you just did
You: I don't believe you.
Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1muzt/you_i_hate_you/
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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot all walk into a bar-

-and all order a pint. Barman pours them and serves them up, one-two-three. In that moment, three little black flies all land, one each, in their pints.
The Englishman calls the barman over. “Pardon me, but could you pour me another?” He asks, indicating the fly.
The Irishman plucks the fly out, shrugs and flicks it away, and drinks up.
The Scot plucks the fly out, squeezes him, and shouts “spit it oot ya wee bastard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1mnrd/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scot_all_walk/
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You: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ml24/you_would_you_like_a_keto_burger/
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A man moves to Alaska...

He was offered a new job on a remote site in the cold wilderness.  After a few weeks he is getting pretty bored and ask one of his coworkers was there anything to do for fun there for which he replied,  "meet me after work I'll show you how we get our kicks here"
He meets him in a cold barren ice sheet with a oil drum in the distance. "follow me", he said. They both walked to a drum with a hole in the side. "Go ahead and put your dick in there" says the coworker.  So he does and he says "wow,  this feels just like pussy". The man finishes up and says, "That  was great, so I can come here whenever I want to get some relief?" "Sure thing", the other man says, except on Thursday's.
"Why not on Thursday's"? says the man.
His coworker tells him "Cause that's your turn in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1mkv4/a_man_moves_to_alaska/
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A farmer man was accused of having sex with his sheep

The farmer simply replied "Fuck what you heard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1mjni/a_farmer_man_was_accused_of_having_sex_with_his/
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To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you...

I have contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1miq4/to_the_person_who_stole_my_glasses_i_will_find_you/
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A man buys shoes

After paying, the shoe seller tells him: "the shoes could be tight in the first week."
Man: "I won't wear them for the first week then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1mbk6/a_man_buys_shoes/
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This guy walking on the street ran into this pretty woman and said. "I bet I can drop $500 on the ground and have sex with you before you can pick it up".

The woman calls her friend to tell her about it. The friend says "set him up when he drops the money just pick it up and run". So the woman tells the guy, "The bet is on". A few minutes go by and the girls friend calls her back to find out how did it go. The woman says, "The asshole didn't tell me he had $500 in quarters".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1m88q/this_guy_walking_on_the_street_ran_into_this/
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Why do Jews prefer watching porn backwards?

They love to see the scene where the prostitute gives the money back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1m3t1/why_do_jews_prefer_watching_porn_backwards/
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What's the difference between a peeping Tom and a pickpocket?

A pickpocket snatches watches...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1m2at/whats_the_difference_between_a_peeping_tom_and_a/
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Did you hear about the man that was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside of him?

The doctor described his condition as stable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1m1fp/did_you_hear_about_the_man_that_was_hospitalized/
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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Frenchman walk into a bar...

they all sit down at the and order a beer. Just before their first sips, a fly lands in each of their respective beers.
The Frenchman pushes his beer back with his nose in the air and exclaims, "barkeep! This beer is spoiled, bring me a fresh one".
The Englishman plucks the fly from the surface of his pint and between his thumb and middle finger, flicks the fly across the room, shrugs, and sips his beer.
The Irishman snatches the fly out of his beer and holding it up to eye level, and pointing, yells, "spit it out ya wee bastard, ya spit it out right now!"
Sorry if this is a repost, hadn't seen it here before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1lxkq/an_irishman_an_englishman_and_a_frenchman_walk/
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A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?
The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calculators, googling answers, scribbling on papers tirelessly.
Jake was just sitting and was alternating between staring at the wall and watching everyone chew thier hair while solving the puzzle.
He waited for about 30 seconds and immediately shot his hand in the air, while smiling confidently.  The whole class's jaws dropped and they stopped what they were doing and started intently watching Jake.
Professor - Yes jake, my boy. Go ahead.
Jake - Sir, you are 60 years old.
Professor - Brilliant answer!!  Amazing.
The whole class was now astonished and mind boggled. The boy who hasn't given a single correct answer in the class the whole year, just solved the toughest puzzle ever. They just waited for the explanation.
Professor offered him to come to the front, gave him the mic and said - the stage is all yours Jake. Now tell everyone, how you derived the solution so quickly.
Jake, totally calm, said - sir, I have a cousin, Aunt Susan's son, Clark, who is 30 years old and the doctors have diagnosed him as  HALF INSANE. Once i remembered about him, it was just basic maths.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1lui9/a_physics_professor_asks_this_question_in_his/
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Why do grizzlies make the best street fighters?

Because they fight with their bear hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1lrj4/why_do_grizzlies_make_the_best_street_fighters/
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A rabbi and a priest are sitting in a car...

A young boy walks out in front of them. The priest says, "let's fuck em." The rabbi says, "outta what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1lncl/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_are_sitting_in_a_car/
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Young Jimmy is taking skydiving lessons

After his lessons he decides he is ready for the real deal. The instructor and Jim go up in the plane to the altitude. Then, the instructor says, "when you jump, count to 10 and pull the cord. If that fails pull the backup cord. There will be a black van waiting for you at the bottom." Jimmy agrees and counts to 3 and jumps. He is having the time of his life. He starts counting to 10 as soon as he jumped. Once he got to 10 he pulled the cord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Nothing. He pulls the backup cord and the same thing. He swears to himself and says, "I bet the van won't be there either)
(Sorry if it's long)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1lk1f/young_jimmy_is_taking_skydiving_lessons/
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Thought this one was odd enough to share

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".
"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano."
"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"
"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...
"Where's that bloody pianist?"
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:
"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".
"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1li88/thought_this_one_was_odd_enough_to_share/
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Men at work (1930's)

Three men are working a construction site. One man is Irish, one Italian, and one Polish. Every day the men eat lunch together. The Irishman opens his lunch and it's bangers and mash. It has been bangers and mash every day since he's started the job. He says to the other men, "If I get bangers and mash one more time I'm jumping off this building." The Italian opens his lunch and it's spaghetti and meatballs again. He says the same as the Irishman. "If I get spaghetti and meatballs again I'm jumping off this building." The Polishman opens his lunch and its perogies again. He says the same as the other two men. Sure enough the next day all three men get the same lunch and jump off the building to their demise. The foreman looks at the scene dumbfounded. A coworker says to the foreman, "I wish their wives made them something else." The foreman agrees and turns to the co-worker. "I don't get it. The Polishman packs his own damn lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1lh4c/men_at_work_1930s/
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A Jew family is fixing their roof.

Father: "Son go ask our neighbor Jacob for his hammer please."
So the son goes to Jacob's house and asks for it.
Jacob: "No way, it's brand new and you're going to waste it. Go ask someone else."
The son goes back to his father and delivers the news.
Father: "Jesus, he wouldn't even lend a hammer? Alright, go ask Abraham for his, please."
His son, a bit confused, goes to Abraham's house, and asks for his hammer.
A: "No way, it has already been used once, and you want to waste it even more?" And he slams the door and the kid's face.
The son arrives back home and delivers the news.
Father; * sighs * "Alright, bring me our hammer please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1lalp/a_jew_family_is_fixing_their_roof/
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A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asks him,"What will it be there Mr.Seal?

The seal says,"Anything but a Canadian Club!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1l33h/a_seal_goes_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender_asks/
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After extensive testing the C.I.A. has gotten down to it's final 3 candidates of this recruiting cycle, being 1 female and 2 males.

The recruiter tells them that in working for the C.I.A they need to be ready for anything and the final test is to prove this.
The recruiter explains that each recruit will have to go into the interrogation room that their respected husband or wife is in and kill them with the gun provided.  If they can't perform this task they should just leave right away.
The female candidate goes into the room where her husband is waiting with a smile on his face, and within seconds comes back out into the waiting area almost in tears saying "I can't do it, I love him so much!"
The first male candidate goes into the room where his wife is sitting there as cheery as always, happy to see her husband.  The man picks up the gun only to put it back down and walk out of the room defeated.
The second man walks confidently into the room where his wife is also smiling happy to see him.  He picks up the gun and from outside the room the recruiter hears BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! followed by the sounds of a commotion and breaking wood.
The man runs out of the room and straight to the recruiter who is standing there with a look of confusion on his face and yells "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THERE WERE BLANKS IN THE GUN, I HAD TO BEAT HER TO DEATH WITH THE DAMN CHAIR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1kwcq/after_extensive_testing_the_cia_has_gotten_down/
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What do you call two gay Mexicans?

Juan on Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ksxx/what_do_you_call_two_gay_mexicans/
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Three homeless men (a black man, a white man, and a Mexican man) see a dead dog in the middle of the road

The white man says” Let’s all put in $10 and see who lays down beside the dog the longest and the winner gets the money”. The men agree and put $10 in each. The white man went first and laid down next to the dog.5 minutes pass. Then 10. Then 15. He finally gets up and says “ I can’t do this anymore” ,and leaves. The Mexican lays down next to the dog. 10 minutes pass.Then 20. Then 30. He finally gets up and says “ I can’t do this anymore”, and leaves. Then the black man lays next to the dog.15 minutes pass.Then 30. Then 45. Then an hour passes.Then the dog gets up and says” I can’t do this any more”, and leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1kro6/three_homeless_men_a_black_man_a_white_man_and_a/
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Why are relationships like math?

You look at your x and try to figure out y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1kquk/why_are_relationships_like_math/
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Alphabet

I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1kq4x/alphabet/
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My chemistry teacher asked me if I knew anything about sodium hypobromite.

I replied, "NaBrO"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1kpbq/my_chemistry_teacher_asked_me_if_i_knew_anything/
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You know I would tell y’all a communism joke,

But it wouldn’t be funny unless everyone got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1kj05/you_know_i_would_tell_yall_a_communism_joke/
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What do you call a dyke with a strap-on

The hole she-bang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1k3an/what_do_you_call_a_dyke_with_a_strapon/
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Woman: I’m having the worst period ever

Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1k2r3/woman_im_having_the_worst_period_ever/
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My 9 year old....

...is yelling at me, "Hey dad, look at me! Im a 3D printer!"
I respond "Close the bathroom door, son!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1k1ih/my_9_year_old/
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door

He opens it up and there's no-one there, but h looks down and sees a snail on the doorstep.
A bit puzzled, he picks the snail up and throws it as far as he can.
A year later there's a knock at his door. He gets up and opens it and the snail is there.
"What did you do that for?" says the snail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1jz5d/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_at/
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What do you call four guys having sex with an ill woman?

Forensic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1jqxf/what_do_you_call_four_guys_having_sex_with_an_ill/
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What is the difference between 'complete' and 'finish'?

When you marry the right woman, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1jpyz/what_is_the_difference_between_complete_and_finish/
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What do you call receiving oral while eating a steak?

Fellatio Mignon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1jibk/what_do_you_call_receiving_oral_while_eating_a/
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HOW MANY FLIES DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB

Only 2, but I've no idea how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1je0h/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Why are you not allowed to write anything in r/harrypotter today?

No Post on Sundays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1jdyw/why_are_you_not_allowed_to_write_anything_in/
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What's the difference between a rasin and a pothead from Alabama?

One's baked in bread, and one's a baked inbred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1jc3w/whats_the_difference_between_a_rasin_and_a/
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Hmmmm

If you clean a vacuum cleaner, are you the vacuum cleaner?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1jb56/hmmmm/
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My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1jakg/my_wife_challenged_me_to_a_game_of_strip_poker/
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are taking their wives to play golf.

The Englishman's wife walks up to the tee, bends over to put her ball on the tee, the wind blows her skirt up and she isn't wearing underwear.  The Englishman says, "My heavens Elizabeth where are your underthings?  She replies "Reginald, on the money you give me for the household, I can't afford underthings"  The Englishman pulls a 50 out of his pocket, hands it to her and says "Well here, get yourself some proper underthings.
The Irishman's wife steps up, bends over to put her ball on the tee, the wind blows her dress up and she isn't wearing underwear.  The Irishman says " Good Lord Agatha, where are your bloomers?"  She replies "On the household money ya give me, I can't afford any bloomers"  The Irishman pulls a 20 out of his pocket, hands it to her and says "Get yourself some decent bloomers"
The Scotsman's wife walks up, bends over, the wind blows her dress up and, of course, she's not wearing underwear.  The Scotsman blurts out "What the f#$k woman, where're ya damn knickers?"  She replies "On the wee bit of money ya gimme for the house I canna 'ford no damn knickers.  He reaches in his pocket, pulls out a comb and says "Well, tidy yourself up a bit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1j82s/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_are/
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Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1j6lu/just_because_you_sleep_with_someone_named_stormy/
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I'm taking Viagra for my sunburn

Its doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1j37s/im_taking_viagra_for_my_sunburn/
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If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1iza6/if_i_could_have_a_superpower_it_would_be_xray/
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What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?''

''Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1iymn/what_should_you_reply_when_a_bully_asks_you_why/
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Chinese jews

A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant
and started to wonder if there were
any Chinese Jews.
So, when the waiter came over to take  his order,
he asked, "Pardon me, but I'd like to know if there
are any Chinese Jews?"
The waiter said, "I don't know.
I go into kitchen and ask manager."
After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen
and returned in a few minutes.
He explained to the man, "No. No Chinese Jews.
We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews,
and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ixg5/chinese_jews/
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A man asks god how long a million years is to him...

God says that a million years is like a second to him. The man also asks how much a million dollars is to him. God says a million dollars is like a penny to him. The man builds up enough courage to ask him if he could have a penny, and god replies “In a second”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1iw2g/a_man_asks_god_how_long_a_million_years_is_to_him/
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How is sex like math?

I dont get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1isxn/how_is_sex_like_math/
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My grandmother's star sign is Cancer, and last week she was sadly diagnosed with...

Crabs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ir49/my_grandmothers_star_sign_is_cancer_and_last_week/
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NSFW What did Hitler and Terry Fox have in common?

Neither of them could finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ipok/nsfw_what_did_hitler_and_terry_fox_have_in_common/
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As a lawyer, whenever someone asks me the joke "why did the chicken cross the road," this is always my response.

As counsel for the chicken, I have advised my client to invoke its 5th Amendment right to remain silent. The chicken with neither confirm nor deny crossing the road, nor the existence of the road thereof. Your concept of ‘crossing’ and ‘road’ do not rise to criminal conduct in any jurisdictional court of law. My client remains innocent until proven guilty. In addition, your false answers to the chicken allegedly crossing the road are negligent, reckless, intentional, malicious and thus constitute civil actions for defamatory libel and slander. Demand is hereby made to (a) immediately cease and desist from further discussing this matter in a public or private forum, and (b) issue a full written retraction and apology of your false answer within five (5) business days. My client reserves the right to sue you in a court of law and seek an injunction and extensive monetary damages from your unlawful answer.
-butterfly105, Esq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1iogo/as_a_lawyer_whenever_someone_asks_me_the_joke_why/
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Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta Pistol

ST PETERSBURG, FL -- This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
Here's her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
"It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.  She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
"Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible.  His life insurance was a big bonus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1inh0/florida_woman_stops_alligator_attack_using_a/
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Caesar and Brutus are sitting around one day...

And Brutus says to Caesar, "I'm bored! Let's go see a movie or something!"
Caesar replies, "That could be fun! What movie would you want to go see?"
Brutus responds, "Didn't they just come out with another movie about that killer clown? I can't remember the title though."
"It 2, Brute?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ildx/caesar_and_brutus_are_sitting_around_one_day/
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NSFW What's the difference between a Jewish Boy and a boyscout?

Only one comes home after camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1il1l/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_jewish_boy/
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When someone explains something of higher intellect, don’t feel inferior, feel grateful.

It means more than you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1i79u/when_someone_explains_something_of_higher/
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Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.
After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hysterically.
Upon calming down the other Jew asks his new friend: "remember when that dog chased you for so long that you ended up exhausted and almost died of hunger?" Another second of silence passes and again, they both start laughing like crazy.
God, overhearing the conversation, approaches the old Jewish couple and asks them what's so funny about any of these events.
They both look up and say: "Oh you wouldn't understand, you just had to be there".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1i3uo/two_jews_die_and_wait_outside_the_pearly_gates/
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Some Say Ridley Scott, others say Johan Harstad.

Astronaut 1: So how are you liking space?
Astronaut 2: It's neat, but I can't find milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 1: In space, no one can; here, use cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1huqy/some_say_ridley_scott_others_say_johan_harstad/
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I've started investing in stocks. Beef, pork, chicken.

With any luck, someday I'll be a bullionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1huaj/ive_started_investing_in_stocks_beef_pork_chicken/
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When should you be afraid of an underwater plant?

When it’s anemone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1hq9n/when_should_you_be_afraid_of_an_underwater_plant/
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What do straight men and trans men both have in common?

They both want to be inside a woman's body.
Edit : Trans women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1h7pc/what_do_straight_men_and_trans_men_both_have_in/
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Nuts and all

If nuts on a wall are called walnuts, and nuts on a chest are chestnuts, then a what do you call nuts on the chin?
A blowjob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1h7hl/nuts_and_all/
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A woman is constantly seeing the same man in an elevator every Friday at 3:00

She gets off on the 3rd floor and he always goes to the 5th. Finally one day she says “it always see you here, I get off on the third floor and give blood “ bragging she says”my blood is rare so they give me $50 a week.”
The man smiles and says well I get off at the sperm bank where my donation gives me $100 a week”
The next Friday the man holds the elevator for the lady and says “3rd floor right?”
She shakes her head no and with puffy cheeks she mumbles “fiiffth”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1h772/a_woman_is_constantly_seeing_the_same_man_in_an/
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A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer

Are driving through the countryside one night and their car breaks down. They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late to take the car to a repair shop but that they can stay the night until morning. However, he informs them that he only has two beds and someone will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, “I’m humble and not above sleeping in a barn”, but minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep in the same building as a cow”.
The Rabbi says, “it’s ok, I’ll sleep in the barn”, but minutes later he also returns and knocks on the door and says “There is a pig in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep in the same building as a pig”.
So the lawyer is now forced to sleep in the barn. Minutes later there is another knock at the door. The farmer, now irritated, sighs and answers the door. It’s the pig and cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1h5qe/a_rabbi_a_hindu_and_a_lawyer/
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I have a heart of a lion

I also have a lifetime ban from most zoos in America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1gxxh/i_have_a_heart_of_a_lion/
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I rang my wife, "Hey babe, I'm at the hospital, I cut off my finger." "Oh no, the whole finger?" she asked.

"No, no..." I replied, "the one next to it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1gvmx/i_rang_my_wife_hey_babe_im_at_the_hospital_i_cut/
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Fun Fact : Before the crowbar was invented....

Most crows just drank at home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1gt6o/fun_fact_before_the_crowbar_was_invented/
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What do you call a competitive athlete thats not very good

A try athlete

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ghbq/what_do_you_call_a_competitive_athlete_thats_not/
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Student doesn't turn in homework.

Teacher: Alright class, time to collect homework.
*walks around to collect homework, approaches student's desk. *
Teacher: "Where's your homework?"
Student: "I didn't know we had homework."
Teacher: "How? I posted it online."
Student: "I don't believe everything that's on the Internet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1gh8u/student_doesnt_turn_in_homework/
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Just been told I can get rich quick by buying an old Egyptian building.

I think it's a pyramid scheme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ge5g/just_been_told_i_can_get_rich_quick_by_buying_an/
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Police said they were looking for a racist abuser.

I immediately called the hotline but they told me it wasn't a job advert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1g9ej/police_said_they_were_looking_for_a_racist_abuser/
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I really have to give credit to this sub for being so environmentally conscious

So many of the jokes here are recycled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1g6pa/i_really_have_to_give_credit_to_this_sub_for/
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You compliment someone for their mustache and suddenly

She's not your friend anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1g687/you_compliment_someone_for_their_mustache_and/
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Some call it foreskin.

I call it my manhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1g0g1/some_call_it_foreskin/
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A man sees an ad, which promises the client to loose either 5, 10 or 20 pounds in one day but doesn't mention any kind of method.

So, since he is curious to how the company wants to achieve that, he calls them and purchases the first and cheapest offer, which states that he will loose 5 pounds in a day. The next day a pretty lady shows up. She is wearing nothing but sport shoes and a sign that says : “Catch me and you can do wathever you want to me“. Without thinking twice, he runs after her, but since she is quite athletic that takes some time. Finally after an hour, he catches her and they fuck.
The next day he weighs himself and is pleased to see that he really lost 5 pounds.
A few days after he deceides to call again and purchase the more expensive offer that states that you will loose 10 pounds in a day. Long story short, the next day a even more charming lady shows up, wearing nothing but shoes and the sign, but she is also more athletic than the first one and so he chases her for 3 hours, catches her and they fuck. Again, as promised he looses the 10 pounds.
Fast forward a few days more, and he deceides to purchase the most expensive offer, in hopes for a even more gorgeous lady. The next Day, as expected, his bell rings again. He already is dressed in his sport clothes and cannot wait to chase the last lady. As he opens the door though, much to his suprise, there isn't a barely covered lady, but a barely covered, 6'4“ tall, buff man, who is also quite well hung. He as well wears sport shoes and a sign, which says: “I'm gay and if I catch you, I can do to you whatever I want. You get a headstart of 10 seconds“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1g018/a_man_sees_an_ad_which_promises_the_client_to/
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A german man is having vacation in Africa

He gets in a bar and sits on a table. Shortly after, the female bartender comes and serves him. As he drinks his beer he recognises some scratches in the table about 30cm from the edge.
As the bartender came again he asked: "Why are there these scratches?"
Bartender:"Yesterday 3 black men came in and meassured their penises"
The german man thinks to himself : " I can keep up with this" , unpacks his little friend and starts to meassure it.
Happy about having more then 30cm he goes to the bartender to flex.
Bartender:"They meassured from the other side"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1fzrj/a_german_man_is_having_vacation_in_africa/
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A farmer buys a new rooster for his hens.

As soon as he places the new rooster in his farm he begins to shout: "You are all my bitches now!"
The old rooster comes and tells him: "You can have any hen you want. Except for Berta, she is mine!"
As dominestic the new rooster is, he wants all hens.
So the old rooster challenges him to a race. The winning rooster is right and gets all hens.
As convinced of himself the new rooster lets habe the old rooster some distance before he starts running.
After a few seconds the new rooster starts running, too.
But after 2m he gets shot by the farmer
"Damn, that is the forth gay rooster this week...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1fx2t/a_farmer_buys_a_new_rooster_for_his_hens/
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Pee is like your future

Except clearer, and there's less question it's going down the drain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1fvh7/pee_is_like_your_future/
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Why does the mushroom always get invited to the party?

Because he's a fungi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ftof/why_does_the_mushroom_always_get_invited_to_the/
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3 women before a firing squad

3 women were going before a firing squad, and before they went out they all agreed to yell something disastrous to distract the shooters. The first one, a brunette went out and as they ask her if she had any last words, she yelled as loud as she could, "Tornado......"!!!!!!!! The squad ran for cover, and she ran off.
The next one, a redhead, when they asked her is she had any last words, yelled "HURRICANE...."!!!!!!! and off the squad ran for shelter and she slipped off for shelter.
The last woman was put in front of the firing squad, she being a blonde had her word all set, and when they asked her if she had any last words, as loud as she could, she yelled "FIRE......."!!!!!!!
And the squad did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1fkek/3_women_before_a_firing_squad/
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After 6+ years of me and my wife being together, she still gets mad whenever i use her toothbrush

So if anyone knows another way to remove dogshit from my sneakers id be happy to hear it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1fi6f/after_6_years_of_me_and_my_wife_being_together/
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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...

They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1fdf4/an_englishman_a_scottish_man_and_an_irish_man/
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I went to the races and put fifty bucks on a horse that came in at 25 to 1!

Unfortunately the rest of the field came in at 12:33.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1fc34/i_went_to_the_races_and_put_fifty_bucks_on_a/
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A friend told me nothing rhymes with orange.

"No," I said. "It doesn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1fb91/a_friend_told_me_nothing_rhymes_with_orange/
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A German goes into a bar

A big German man walks into an American bar slaps his hand down and orders a beer, then says very loudly....." when I drink, everyone drinks" the crowd in the bar cheers loudly and starts drinking. Finished with his beer, he slaps the bar again orders another, and very loudly again says, "when I drink, everyone drinks". Once more the crowd erupts, and they drink as well.
The man then pulls out his wallet and slaps two 5.00 bills on the bar and says even louder " when I pay, everyone pays".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1fa7n/a_german_goes_into_a_bar/
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The day before my wedding, my dad sat me down and said, “Before you get married tomorrow, consider the following carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring...”

“And on the other hand, you don’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1f0n0/the_day_before_my_wedding_my_dad_sat_me_down_and/
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A man is worried he has Dementia

So he goes online and finds this really good psychologist and makes an appointment.
When he goes in for the appointment the lady behind the counter says "Hi Mr. Sturr, the usual?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1eu4p/a_man_is_worried_he_has_dementia/
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2 Men drink in a bar

after they had a few beer they noticed, that they don't have money.
ONe  of them had a plan: "Here, take the sausage and put it in your zip of  your pants. The other guy did it and Man 1 begins to suck the sausage.  The Barkeeper sees it and throw them out. Without asking for the money.
They decide to try it again. They drink, they pull their trick and were thrown out. On the third bar the same.
They had a really long night and visited around 10 different locations, always doing their trick.
The one man said: "Can we please change the position, I am exhausted."
The other man replies: "YOU are exhausted? I lost the sausage after the sixth bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1eqqk/2_men_drink_in_a_bar/
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Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1eomn/three_dinosaurs_stumble_across_a_magic_lamp/
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A guy and his blonde wife were happily married.

Until one day when he came home earlier from work and found her lovers car in front of his house.
Knowing what to do he storms into the house and heads to the bedroom.
When he gets to the bedroom he opens the closet and says:
"How many times do I have to say that he's supposed to hide in the closet and not you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1enia/a_guy_and_his_blonde_wife_were_happily_married/
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Two Italian men get on a bus, they sit down and engage in an animated conversation...

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed bastard" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1eibr/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus_they_sit_down_and/
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An elderly religious woman receives an 80 year old parrot as a gift but it has the worst language.

It goes through every possible cuss word every day and night. She talks to a friend that tells her about a bird whisperer. She meets with him and he tells her to leave the parrot with him for one week.
When he brings the bird back she notices a string tied to each leg and asks about them. The man pulls the string on the right leg and the bird begins to single heavenly gospel music. She asked about the left one so he pulls it and the bird recites the Ten Commandments in detail.
She asks the man “well, what if I pull both at the same time?”
The bird screams “I’ll fall off the fucking perch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1egyy/an_elderly_religious_woman_receives_an_80_year/
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What do you call it when you kill a yoga teacher before a session?

Premeditated murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ed3o/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_kill_a_yoga_teacher/
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Britain's fattest man has died.

The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ec8y/britains_fattest_man_has_died/
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What did the sandwich say to the doorman?

Lettuce in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1e77r/what_did_the_sandwich_say_to_the_doorman/
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I got fired from my job at the Sperm Bank today

Apparently saying “Get a load of this guy” when someone walks in is NOT appropriate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1e6k4/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_sperm_bank_today/
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Are you the derivative of acceleration?

Because you’re a jerk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1dxzt/are_you_the_derivative_of_acceleration/
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One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.
"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.
A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.
The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner.
And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones.
And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
The moral of the story: The title of your thesis doesn't matter. The subject doesn't matter. The research doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your advisor is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1dvs6/one_sunny_day_a_rabbit_came_out_of_her_hole_in/
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Why do riot police get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1dofm/why_do_riot_police_get_to_work_early/
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How’s do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1dlr7/hows_do_you_know_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
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Last night i had a dream i was eating noodles

But when i woke up i couldnt find my earphones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1dgqm/last_night_i_had_a_dream_i_was_eating_noodles/
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Why is E still a virgin?

Because she went after the D but didn't get to F.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1dgmj/why_is_e_still_a_virgin/
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I like Elton John. Brilliant on the piano

Sucks on the organ tho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1dd9c/i_like_elton_john_brilliant_on_the_piano/
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Why was E the only letter to recieve presents from Santa?

Because all the other ones were not E.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1dbvf/why_was_e_the_only_letter_to_recieve_presents/
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In line at Burger King the other day, when I finally get to the counter the lady says sorry about the wait.

I said, "don't worry ma'am, you'll lose that eventually."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1d6vf/in_line_at_burger_king_the_other_day_when_i/
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A dog sits down at a roulette table

and pushes his life savings in chips to the center.
"Put it all on grey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1d0d6/a_dog_sits_down_at_a_roulette_table/
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What's the difference between glue, tuna and a guitar?

You can tuna guitar but you can't guitar a tuna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1cvlo/whats_the_difference_between_glue_tuna_and_a/
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What's a ducks favourite drug?

Quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ct4x/whats_a_ducks_favourite_drug/
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I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1csge/i_went_to_the_doctor_with_hearing_problems_he/
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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman and a prostitute with dysentery?

The fisherman shucks between fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1crp3/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
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No returns here

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1coyd/no_returns_here/
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I was at a job interview and was asked if i can perform under pressure.

I said im not very familiar with the lyrics, but i would certainly have a go at doing bohemian rhapsody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1cj2h/i_was_at_a_job_interview_and_was_asked_if_i_can/
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Why don't witches wear panties?

To make the broom stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1cg3h/why_dont_witches_wear_panties/
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What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1cc5c/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_chameleon_cant_change/
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A man just attacked me with cheese and milk!

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1cawg/a_man_just_attacked_me_with_cheese_and_milk/
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A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.
The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"
The Native American states, "eggs."
The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.
Years later, when the child returns back with his own family he sees the same native at the bar.
Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical, "how?!"
The Native replies, "scrambled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1c2co/a_man_and_his_family_walk_into_a_bar_inside_of/
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Why is sex like math?

A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
Edit 2: Wow now it is 1k+ upvotes. Thank you very much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1c25z/why_is_sex_like_math/
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If you loose your left hand

Your right hand will be left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1c1h7/if_you_loose_your_left_hand/
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Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1c10r/three_dinosaurs_stumble_across_a_magic_lamp/
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Some people say jokes need punchlines

I say

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1c0qz/some_people_say_jokes_need_punchlines/
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So a kid is sitting in the park, eating a bag full of candy..

An old man walks by, and tells the kid “you shouldn’t eat so much candy. You’ll get fat, and unhealthy, and die at a young age.” The boy responded “My grandfather lived to be 111 years old!”
The old man gasped, and asked “wow, did he eat a lot of candy bars?!”
And the kid goes “no, he minded his own fucking business”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1bydd/so_a_kid_is_sitting_in_the_park_eating_a_bag_full/
%
How do you avoid procrastination?

I have a great punchline, but I’ll edit it in later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1bx3q/how_do_you_avoid_procrastination/
%
This is your captain speaking,

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1bupw/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
%
Thanks for defining the word "numerous" for me

It means so much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1br17/thanks_for_defining_the_word_numerous_for_me/
%
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
“Ah,” he said, “that’s my altar ego.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1bqsu/a_woman_who_lived_next_door_to_a_preacher_was/
%
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." poof.

He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1bg6r/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
%
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1be77/ive_got_this_awful_disease_where_i_cant_stop/
%
Today I made a dessert for the first time in my life

And it was a piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1bb16/today_i_made_a_dessert_for_the_first_time_in_my/
%
What do you call a contortionist from the Philippines?

A Manila folder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1b8s5/what_do_you_call_a_contortionist_from_the/
%
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining

It means a great deal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1b41p/thank_you_for_teaching_me_about_bargaining/
%
What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1b229/what_should_we_do_with_people_who_rely_on/
%
The thing about Masturbation Contests is

If you want to come first, you have to cum last

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1avp3/the_thing_about_masturbation_contests_is/
%
I had a talk with my therapist

Me: you know I feel like people keep cutting me off in life and bursting my bubble so that along with my childhood trauma gave me more than enough reason to come to you for therapy
"Sir this is a McDonalds drive-through"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1atcp/i_had_a_talk_with_my_therapist/
%
I caught my parents having sex, the other day.

Worst 45 minutes of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1aqlw/i_caught_my_parents_having_sex_the_other_day/
%
What do you call when a cat's doing crazy stunts?

Purrkour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1amo3/what_do_you_call_when_a_cats_doing_crazy_stunts/
%
My brother-in-law died in prison because he was a mitochondriac.

He suffered from the mistaken belief that he was the powerhouse of the cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1akww/my_brotherinlaw_died_in_prison_because_he_was_a/
%
A man see's a guy throwing a ball for his dog at the park.

He throws the ball, the dog chases it but as he gets close to the ball he falls to the ground and starts choking. The owner doesn't seem too fazed and the man watching is about to rush to help the dog when the dog gets up, snatches the ball and brings it back to the owner. The owner throws the ball for the dog and again the dog goes bounding after it, starts choking and falls to the ground. The owner lets out a sigh, and sure enough after a few seconds the dog gets up, grabs the ball and brings it back.
The man watching is intrigued and starts walking towards the owner just as he throws the ball again, and again the dog chases it and just as he is about to get it starts choking, falls to the ground and a few seconds later gets up, gets the ball and brings it back.
The man finally says to the owner "Hey buddy, what's the deal with the dog?" The owner turns and, with an exasperated sigh says "it's a running gag"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1acj3/a_man_sees_a_guy_throwing_a_ball_for_his_dog_at/
%
Sneezing girl

I was in my 4th grade glass sitting next to this girl, all of a sudden she produces a loud sneeze.
**ACHOOOOOO**
The whole class was silent, the teacher quietly asked if she needed a tissue
My friend notices a gooey substance dripping from her hand.
*Friend:* **Ewww are those boogers**
*Girl:* ***Nah, it's not***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1ac9f/sneezing_girl/
%
I made a filter plug-in that removes reposts from /r/Jokes

But I don't think it's working properly because I don't see any jokes now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1aals/i_made_a_filter_plugin_that_removes_reposts_from/
%
How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer?

Just give it time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1a9uk/how_do_you_turn_a_threedimensional_printer_into_a/
%
“Hey Watson, is that mud on your shoes?”

“No. Shit, Sherlock.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1a6ua/hey_watson_is_that_mud_on_your_shoes/
%
A man driving down a freeway road at 55 MPH.

He looks out the window and sees a chicken running along side his car. He speeds up to 65 and the chicken is keeping pace with him. He notices that the chicken seems to have multiple legs but before he can confirm it the chicken takes a hard left turn down a dirt road. Intrigued he turns around and goes down the road and finds a chicken farm. He looks on in amazement as all the chickens are zooming around the compound. He sees one chicken standing still pecking the ground and sure enough it has 3 legs.  Stunned, he gets out of the car and sees a man throwing feed out for the chickens. He calls out to the farmer who comes over to the fence. The man asks the farmer "whats with all the three legged chickens?" The farmer replies "oh yeah, well my son, wife and I like to eat chicken, especially the leg, so I bred these to have three legs. One for my wife, one for my son and one for me." The man, still amazed asks "well, how do they taste?" The farmer replies sadly "I don't know, I haven't caught one yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d19mci/a_man_driving_down_a_freeway_road_at_55_mph/
%
Peeing is like your future

Except clearer, and there's no question it's going down the drain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d19jrj/peeing_is_like_your_future/
%
How do you make a candle really happy?

Blow it out, it’ll be delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d19bvb/how_do_you_make_a_candle_really_happy/
%
There was a little girl who knew nothing bad in her life

Ok so there was this little girl who new nothing bad about life. No sexual anything. No swear words. Nothing.
One night the little girl wakes up in the middle of the night and hears her parents in their room.
"Oh I love your luscious tits"
"And I love your slim dick"
The next morning the girl sees her father and asks
"Daddy, what are luscious tits?"
The father responds
"They are nice boots"
Happy with theresponse, the girl walks away and finds here mother.
"Mummy, what's a slim dick?"
"Its a nice jacket, sweetie"
Happy with the response, the girl walks away and carries on with her day.
The next week its Thanksgiving. And the little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her dad shaving. The dad cuts himself and says "oh shit"
The little girl, never hearing this word before asks, "what does shit mean?"
"It means I'm shaving now honey"
Happy with the response, the little girl goes downstairs and sees her mum in the kitchen cooking the Turkey.
The mum drops the turkey and yells "oh fuck"
The girl asks, "what does fuck mean?
The mum responds "it means I'm cooking the Turkey now"
Happy with the response, the girl carries on for the rest of the evening, until the Thanksgiving guests arrive.
The mother asks the little girl to let the dinner guests in, and using her new vocabulary she says.
"Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our thanksgiving party. Take off your luscious tits and kick off your slim dicks. My dad upstairs shitting and my mum's fucking the Turkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d19b54/there_was_a_little_girl_who_knew_nothing_bad_in/
%
Zero

Too the guy who invented zero... Thanks for nothing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d19apr/zero/
%
Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."
Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."
God:"Why the Swedish man?"
Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d193fj/hitler_commits_suicide_and_appears_in_front_of_god/
%
I got a new dog he's a paranoid retriever...

He brings back everything cause he's not sure what I threw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d19256/i_got_a_new_dog_hes_a_paranoid_retriever/
%
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d18zb5/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
%
If having sex for money makes you a whore...

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d18ym0/if_having_sex_for_money_makes_you_a_whore/
%
15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,
"Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
"We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d18qgm/15_year_old_boy_comes_home_with_a_porsche/
%
Just got the job at the old McDonald farm...

I'm now the CIEIO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d18qej/just_got_the_job_at_the_old_mcdonald_farm/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first asks the bartender for a pint, the second for half, the third for a quarter, and so on.
The bartender gives them two and says sort it out your self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d18lpo/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
What do you call the lesbian version of Grindr?

Twatnav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d18em4/what_do_you_call_the_lesbian_version_of_grindr/
%
I saw a person selling good and bad advice for $1 a piece.

Sure I'll bite, I'll take a piece of bad advice.
You should've got good advice.
Ok...here's another dollar for some good advice.
Don't get the bad advice.
\----
I felt like i thought of this joke, but it seems to simple to be original.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1831q/i_saw_a_person_selling_good_and_bad_advice_for_1/
%
David Cameron, Barack Obama Robert Mugabe are all in crashing plane with one parachute. The crew have already jumped in blind panic.

(my friend told me this back in 2016, hence the political outdatedness)
After the initial panic, they pull themselves together and decide what to do. Finally, Cameron speaks up
"Right" he says. "We're all from democratic nations, so I suggest we hold a vote as to who should get the parachute". The others agree. They hold a vote and the results are in:
David Cameron: 1 vote
Barack Obama: 1 vote
Robert Mugabe: 23 votes
And yes, I do know Robert Mugabe has recently died. It is in light of that that I share this joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d18299/david_cameron_barack_obama_robert_mugabe_are_all/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d181vh/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do you call a cookie that draws funny pictures?

A Snickerdoodle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d17vno/what_do_you_call_a_cookie_that_draws_funny/
%
My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d17vkr/my_grandpa_brought_up_sex_the_other_day_he_told/
%
Joseph Stalin should have known Communism wouldn't work.

I mean seriously,there were red flags everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d17r9q/joseph_stalin_should_have_known_communism_wouldnt/
%
Why are fat people better?

They XL at everything they do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d17ml2/why_are_fat_people_better/
%
I'm new to drug jokes

But I'll take a crack at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d17epa/im_new_to_drug_jokes/
%
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time. Which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1765d/mahatma_gandhi_as_you_know_walked_barefoot_most/
%
Where does the mansplainer get his water?

A well, actually...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d175pp/where_does_the_mansplainer_get_his_water/
%
How do you persuade Trump to believe climate change is happening?

You tell him Obama didn't care about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d173g6/how_do_you_persuade_trump_to_believe_climate/
%
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

The job still sucks after ten years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d16zob/whats_the_difference_between_a_job_and_a_wife/
%
My mom divorced my dad and got remarried to a ladder

It’s now my step ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d16va2/my_mom_divorced_my_dad_and_got_remarried_to_a/
%
What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?

Last year's hide and go seek winner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d16q4n/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_skeleton_in_a_closet/
%
Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can grip their broom better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d16ppx/why_dont_witches_wear_panties/
%
I was depressed and called Lifeline...

It connected to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal. They got really excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d16nto/i_was_depressed_and_called_lifeline/
%
A lady pregnant with triplets goes into a bank where there is a robbery

She gets shot 3 times and is rushed to the hospital and there the doctor tells her the she will be fine and so will her children but when there older they will need to remove the bullets.
12 years pass and one day one of the children walks runs to the mom
S1: Mommy mommy I peed out a bullet!
M: Ok mom let me tell you a story
Some time later the second son runs up to the mom
S2: Mommy mommy I peed out a bullet!
M: Ok son let me tell you a story
It’s the end of the day but the third son runs to the mom
S3: Mommy Mommy...
M: Let me guess did you pee out a bullet
S3: No I was jacking off and I shot the dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d16hy6/a_lady_pregnant_with_triplets_goes_into_a_bank/
%
I have a bird feeder in the garden.

It also works as a cat feeder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d16e8t/i_have_a_bird_feeder_in_the_garden/
%
What do you call a hoe from Idaho?

A tater thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d16alh/what_do_you_call_a_hoe_from_idaho/
%
My grandma quit smoking.

And we got a nice little urn for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d168tc/my_grandma_quit_smoking/
%
I'm a bit like a mouse - women who see me are often repulsed.

They also find me secretly living in their home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d16818/im_a_bit_like_a_mouse_women_who_see_me_are_often/
%
Mommy and Uncle Paul

"Hi honey, this is daddy.
Is mommy near the phone?”
A voice on the other end answers: “No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
The little girl quipped.
After a brief pause daddy says “But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”
“Oh yes I do, and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”
Brief pause “Oh okay, then, this is what I want you to do: “Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate.”
"Ok daddy just a minute.”
A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “Done it daddy.”
"What happened honey?”
“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked, ran round the room screaming, tripped over, and knocked her head on the staircase, now she is not moving at all.”
“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad.
”He jumped out the window into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn’t know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he is dead.”
Really long pause…
Daddy says, “Swimming pool, holy shit, but we don’t have a swimming pool?
Is this 486-5731?”
“No, this is 486-5713.”
"Sorry, wrong number!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d161bo/mommy_and_uncle_paul/
%
My wife kept insisting that we try having sex underground

Eventually I caved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d15tu9/my_wife_kept_insisting_that_we_try_having_sex/
%
Bad News

A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.
"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.
"What are they?"
"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."
"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.
"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."
The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d15sun/bad_news/
%
It's hard explaining puns to a kleptomanic...

Because they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d15smg/its_hard_explaining_puns_to_a_kleptomanic/
%
Three men in a jungle

An indian tribe captures three men. They tell the men to go off into the forest and collect ten of the same fruit, or else they would be killed. The men go off and after a while the first man comes back with apples. The tribe tells the man to shove all ten apples up his ass without making a sound or else he would die. The man gets to apple number two before he screams and is killed. The second man returnes with blueberries. They tell him to shove all ten up his ass without making a sound. He does well, he gets to number nine when he starts to laugh hysterically. He is then killed.
Up in heaven the first man asks the second "Why'd you laugh, you were doing so well." The second man says "I was, then i seen Paddy coming with fucking pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d15skk/three_men_in_a_jungle/
%
Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d15oli/bullets_are_so_weird/
%
Why do tampons have that piece of string attached to the end of them?

So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d15mhu/why_do_tampons_have_that_piece_of_string_attached/
%
NSFW Whats the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldnt pay $50 to have some garbanzo on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d15k9c/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and/
%
Genie: What is your final wish?

Boy: I wish I were you!
Genue: Weurd but alrught.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d15ge5/genie_what_is_your_final_wish/
%
Karen one day called a men's club looking for her husband...

Karen: Hello, is my husband there?
Manager: I'm sorry, he is not here.
Karen about to hang up realised something
Karen: I realised I haven't mentioned his name, how do you know whose wife I am?
Manager: It doesn't matter ma'am. All the husbands give out the same instructions when they come in. Have a good day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d15g1f/karen_one_day_called_a_mens_club_looking_for_her/
%
My wife and I childproofed our home yesterday.

It was a total waste of money. They all got back in within minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d15e03/my_wife_and_i_childproofed_our_home_yesterday/
%
A man is on trial for cannibalism.. He says to the judge, “Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat..

..then I am an innocent man.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d15ct6/a_man_is_on_trial_for_cannibalism_he_says_to_the/
%
My mother tried to abort me

But I was still born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d14xv5/my_mother_tried_to_abort_me/
%
leaf blowers are dangerous in battle

i hear they’re leaf-al

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d14xho/leaf_blowers_are_dangerous_in_battle/
%
A wife yells at her husband...

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"
Husband : "what did I do?"
Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"
Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"
Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d14w0u/a_wife_yells_at_her_husband/
%
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?

A pairing knife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d14tde/what_type_of_knife_do_chefs_use_to_connect_to/
%
A Policeman spots a man walking with three penguins

He walks up to confront them
P: Excuse me Sir but what are doing with these penguins
M: Well we decided to take advantage of the weather and go for stroll
P: You should go take those penguins to the zoo they would love it there
The Man agrees and walks off and the next day the cop sees the same man and three penguins but this time in beach clothes
P: I thought I told you to go take those penguins to the zoo
M: I did and we loved it so much that today we’re going to the beach!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d14pjc/a_policeman_spots_a_man_walking_with_three/
%
Yesterday I froze myself to -273.15°

And you know what?
I was 0K :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d14o4f/yesterday_i_froze_myself_to_27315/
%
What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d14m32/whats_the_difference_between_outlaws_and_inlaws/
%
My wife says I don’t listen to what she is saying

...or something like that !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d14kyx/my_wife_says_i_dont_listen_to_what_she_is_saying/
%
Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d14i8g/got_my_girlfriend_a_get_better_soon_card/
%
My therapist says I have trust issues.

I don't believe her though, because she's crazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d14gqa/my_therapist_says_i_have_trust_issues/
%
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island, and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.

The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d14g6x/there_was_a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_they/
%
What is it called when one butt cheek is bigger than the other?

Assymmetrical

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d14egs/what_is_it_called_when_one_butt_cheek_is_bigger/
%
A man has been in a bar throwing them back all night.

Since he is a regular and never causes any trouble, the bartender lets him stay well past closing time.
The bartender has washed all the glasses, swept the floors, wiped the bar and tables down, and has closed down for the night. The bartender finally kicks him out just as the sun is coming up.
The drunk just about falls into the street right as a nun in a full black habit is walking by. They're both a little startled and there is an awkward standoff for moment.
Without a word, the drunk punches the nun square in the mouth. As the nun staggers back, he follows up with a sloppy one- two combo to the chin. The nun falls to the ground. He staggers over and gives her one final kick to the gut.
He stands over her, points down and proudly says, "You ain't so tough, Batman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d14cqp/a_man_has_been_in_a_bar_throwing_them_back_all/
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What do you call a blind male porn star?

I'd have thought the answer would be obvious.
Stiffy Wonder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d145d1/what_do_you_call_a_blind_male_porn_star/
%
There is a fine line...

Between a numerator and a denominator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d1443m/there_is_a_fine_line/
%
Nobody wants to die alone.

That's why I'm training for my pilot's license.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d13xfr/nobody_wants_to_die_alone/
%
I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d13obg/i_just_finished_writing_a_book_on_cats/
%
Everyone was complimenting how great my beard looked tonight.

I don't think "yeah she does look great" was the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d13jme/everyone_was_complimenting_how_great_my_beard/
%
One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d13g5s/one_ovary_says_to_the_other_ovary_hey_did_you/
%
Achilles was actually a drag queen.

His heels were killing him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d13ey6/achilles_was_actually_a_drag_queen/
%
In the ditch...?

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d13e73/in_the_ditch/
%
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d13bxx/i_applied_to_be_a_sperm_donor_and_the_nurse_asked/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

That’s cute, but can you breathe out if it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d12qte/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
%
My friends all have one thing in common.

They're not real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d12p0r/my_friends_all_have_one_thing_in_common/
%
What kind of bee does the queen bee marry?

A hub-bee, unless shes a major les-bee-an

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d12lil/what_kind_of_bee_does_the_queen_bee_marry/
%
A lady is trying to join a biker gang...

Biker guy: "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
Her: "No, but I been swung around by the tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d12fp8/a_lady_is_trying_to_join_a_biker_gang/
%
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."  "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d12dj2/a_group_of_kindergartners_were_trying_to_become/
%
The joke my great-grandpa told me about 15 years ago

A man kisses his wife goodnight and goes to sleep one day. After he wakes up, he notices an old man in white robes lying next to him instead of his wife.
- Who are you and why are you in my bed?! - he asks.
- This is not your bedroom. I am St Peter and you're in Heaven.
- What?! I'm dead? It can't be! Bring me back to Earth, now!
- It's not that easy. You can either come back as a chicken, or a dog.
The man thinks about it and figures that a chicken's life is more calm then dog's life.
- Bring me back as a dog. - exclaims the man.
Suddenly, the man appears as a chicken on a farm. Another chicken approaches him and says:
- You must be the new chicken that St Peter told me about.
- Oh yes that's me.
- So, how do you like being a chicken?
- Well, I feel like my rump is going to explode!
The other chicken shrugs with his wings and says:
- You got to lay an egg to get some relief.
- And how am I supposed to do that?!
- Cackle two times and then push as hard as you can.
The man-chicken cackles and pushes as hard as he can.
- Wow, that was great! I want to lay some more eggs!
And he pushes, and lays another one, and another. Suddenly, he hears his wife screaming:
- John, wake up! You have shat all over the bed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d12cdm/the_joke_my_greatgrandpa_told_me_about_15_years/
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In the 1990's, you could go into any store with just a dollar and get a soda, a bag of chips, and a candy bar. Now you can't. Why?

Because there's cameras everywhere now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d12a32/in_the_1990s_you_could_go_into_any_store_with/
%
How can you tell that a man has a high sperm count...

When you have to chew before you swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d121z2/how_can_you_tell_that_a_man_has_a_high_sperm_count/
%
Never fall for a tennis player,

for them, love means nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d11uj3/never_fall_for_a_tennis_player/
%
They say to always to expect the unexpected

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d11sn7/they_say_to_always_to_expect_the_unexpected/
%
One person asks his friend: what’s the fastest way to get from one side of a railroad to the other?

His friend replies: i don’t know, but whatever it is you’ll either beat the train or be dead wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d11oht/one_person_asks_his_friend_whats_the_fastest_way/
%
They say wearing crocs is like getting your dick sucked a guy.

It feels great until you look down and realize that you are gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d11clq/they_say_wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_your_dick/
%
A pod of whales walks into a bar.

One whale says to the other "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUYUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAOOOOOOO, OOOUAAAAAUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAYYYEEEEUUUM?!"
The other whale responds, "Go home Steve, you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d113ld/a_pod_of_whales_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between a hippie and a hockey player

A hockey player takes a shower  after 3 periods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d110bm/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippie_and_a/
%
I’m deathly afraid of sharing a car with someone while driving through underground passages.

I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d10yxl/im_deathly_afraid_of_sharing_a_car_with_someone/
%
I just burned 81,500 calories

Now to hide the remains and the flamethrower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d10wne/i_just_burned_81500_calories/
%
What do you call a Hippies wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d10phh/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
%
What scared Jimmy Buffet?

The boo's in the blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d10jhl/what_scared_jimmy_buffet/
%
Why is rabbit sex so quiet?

Cotton Balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d10cxa/why_is_rabbit_sex_so_quiet/
%
Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...
Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib asks Ali :-
'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads
'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Ali shows Habib his sign....
It reads,
'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.
***************
And yes #PKMKB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d102th/two_beggars_in_london/
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(NSFW) What's the most frequent question asked at a gay bar?

"Can I push in your stool?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0zo3t/nsfw_whats_the_most_frequent_question_asked_at_a/
%
What do middle eastern people smoke?

An Abu Doobie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0zmrd/what_do_middle_eastern_people_smoke/
%
What did the sheep herder say to the other sheep herder?

Let’s get the flock outta here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0zkhu/what_did_the_sheep_herder_say_to_the_other_sheep/
%
What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0zh56/whats_the_difference_between_lays_potato_chips/
%
Is it ethical to consume a ghost?

I don’t want to eat something if it will come back to haunt me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0zg25/is_it_ethical_to_consume_a_ghost/
%
I just got married last week!

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0zftw/i_just_got_married_last_week/
%
A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.
F: You here about the dog?
M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?
F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.
The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them.
F: Go on, ask him anything.
The man says;
M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself.
To the mans surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical "arooo you" that you usually hear on the internet.
D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was real good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years.
The man is stunned. He says to the farmer:
M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!?
F: Cause he's a liar! He ain't ever done any of that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0zaq9/a_man_is_driving_along_a_country_road_and_sees_a/
%
Did you know...

Did you know that if you stretched out your intestines from end to end on the ground in a straight line, you would die?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0zad5/did_you_know/
%
Once upon a time...

In a kingdom, there live a queen with humungous breasts. Every man in the kingdom fantasized about the queen and her huge breasts. The general ,Lucas, especially wanted to play with them but he knew that it was impossible. He told the royal doctor about his obsession with the queen's breasts. The doctor told him that he would help but he will charge a thousand gold coins for doing so. Lucas agreed to give him whatever amount he wanted but he wanted to fondle with those titties.
The next day, the doctor snuck into the queen's room as she was bathing and put some itchy powder in her bra.
The queen started getting an itch on her breasts and it wouldn't stop so she told the king about it and the king turned to the doctor about it. The doctor said that her itch would stop by the saliva of general Lucas only.
So the king summoned Lucas and ordered him to lick her breasts. Lucas did so happily licking each and every part of her boobs.
The doctor had given Lucas the antidote to put in his mouth before he would start.
The queen was eased and Lucas was satisfied. The doctor asked for his fees but Lucas refused thinking that the doctor couldn't complain to the king or court.
But the doctor wanted revenge so he took the same itchy powder and put it in the king's underpants as he was bathing.
Again Lucas was summoned this time to ease the king..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0z54b/once_upon_a_time/
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What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change?

An Al-Gore-rhythm!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0z1c4/what_do_you_call_a_computer_program_that_writes_a/
%
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0yyz0/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_that_stole_a/
%
If you have bladder problems,

Urine trouble!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0yumh/if_you_have_bladder_problems/
%
“Hey man do you want to watch Planet of the Apes?”

“Seen it.”
“Ok how about *The Shining*?”
“Watched it.”
“Ok how about *Reposts*?”
“Reddit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0yrtn/hey_man_do_you_want_to_watch_planet_of_the_apes/
%
What is a chronic masturbator’s favorite food?

Stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0yff6/what_is_a_chronic_masturbators_favorite_food/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo’ Drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ybw6/why_does_snoop_dogg_carry_an_umbrella/
%
My wife wanted me to take the spider out instead of killing it

Had a couple of drinks nice guy wants to be a web developer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0yb2u/my_wife_wanted_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead/
%
Him: Baby do you smoke after sex?

Me: That depends how fast you fuck me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0yajo/him_baby_do_you_smoke_after_sex/
%
Nobody wants to listen to Whitesnake with me...

So here I go again on my own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0y98w/nobody_wants_to_listen_to_whitesnake_with_me/
%
Who fixes Princess Toadstool’s shoes?

The Peach cobbler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0y3mu/who_fixes_princess_toadstools_shoes/
%
Three men go to hell and they're pissed..

Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”
Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard.
The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says.
Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!”
CRACK
The boulder immediately splits in half.
“Aw fuck this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.”
Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?”
The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position.
“Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with
“I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.”
“Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!”
CRACK
The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright.
Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!”
CRACK
Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping.
The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?”
The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0xz5u/three_men_go_to_hell_and_theyre_pissed/
%
Why didn't Samuel Jackson get the lead role in the upcoming Oedipus movie?

Because he's a bad motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0xqff/why_didnt_samuel_jackson_get_the_lead_role_in_the/
%
What's a Pornstar's favourite drink?

7up in Cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0xlin/whats_a_pornstars_favourite_drink/
%
Joaquin Phoenix won an award for weight loss transformation into Arthur Fleck in "Joker".

Atrophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0xdbb/joaquin_phoenix_won_an_award_for_weight_loss/
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What do you call it when fewer and fewer school kids go to the playground?

A recession.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0wxny/what_do_you_call_it_when_fewer_and_fewer_school/
%
Q: What is the difference between Russian wedding and Russian funeral?

A: There is one sober person in a Russian funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0wwvp/q_what_is_the_difference_between_russian_wedding/
%
I tried to make a pie with fish innards!

It was cod offal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0wu5t/i_tried_to_make_a_pie_with_fish_innards/
%
The best thing about being on a diet...

...is the cheat night where you can fuck your girlfriends best friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0wsz5/the_best_thing_about_being_on_a_diet/
%
What do you call a teenage boy who doesn't masterbate?

A liar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0wpht/what_do_you_call_a_teenage_boy_who_doesnt/
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Lord said to Jon "come fourth and receive the holy spirit"

...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.
P.S.- You thought that 'fourth' in the title was a typo, didn't you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0wljj/lord_said_to_jon_come_fourth_and_receive_the_holy/
%
“Doctor, I’m extremely constipated!! I can’t poop!!”

Doctor:  “No shit”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0wl7j/doctor_im_extremely_constipated_i_cant_poop/
%
Read the following word aloud: MINDS

Did you do it? Congratulations... you can read minds...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0wbnm/read_the_following_word_aloud_minds/
%
My 3 year old daughter asked, "Where does Poo come from?".

My three year old daughter asked, "Where does Poo come from?".
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said, "You just had breakfast?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs from out of the food then what's left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo."
She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds then asked, "And Tigger?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0wazy/my_3_year_old_daughter_asked_where_does_poo_come/
%
Complex

I have a fear of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0wato/complex/
%
I just smashed a jar of mayo in the store

Fuckin Hellmann ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0w7c7/i_just_smashed_a_jar_of_mayo_in_the_store/
%
What's Blue and not very heavy?

Light Blue
(my kids hate that joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0w6t7/whats_blue_and_not_very_heavy/
%
I hate asking gay people questions

They never give straight answers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0w6d0/i_hate_asking_gay_people_questions/
%
Who's the most prepared person on earth?

Justin Case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0w1rb/whos_the_most_prepared_person_on_earth/
%
Where does Princess Zelda find her heroes?

Linkedin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0vz36/where_does_princess_zelda_find_her_heroes/
%
Yeterday I found 20$ on the street on my way home. As a good cristian I thought “What would Jesus do”…

… so I turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0vuzq/yeterday_i_found_20_on_the_street_on_my_way_home/
%
What does your wives sex life and tomorrows snow forecast have in common?

Both expecting 8 to 10 inches but only going to get 1 to 2...
Made this joke up and tel it off and on, how was it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0vte2/what_does_your_wives_sex_life_and_tomorrows_snow/
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John and Bill are having a conversation.

John says I've got a joke.
Bill replies ok what is it.
John: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Bill: Nacho cheese.
John: Aww, how did you know?
Bill: Because it's Nacho joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0vnl6/john_and_bill_are_having_a_conversation/
%
What do you call a a robot who changed genders?

a transformer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0vmiq/what_do_you_call_a_a_robot_who_changed_genders/
%
So my lesbian sister and her girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday...

And they got me a Rolex watch
I’m pretty sure they didn’t understand what I meant when I said I wanna watch...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0vl4c/so_my_lesbian_sister_and_her_girlfriend_asked_me/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs

It doesn’t matter what you call him he ain’t coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0vks9/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Today, I took my Golf balls and My Driver to the Range to practice my accuracy.

After hitting every single golf ball, I can successfully confirm that my Ex has no Windows left in her house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0vkp6/today_i_took_my_golf_balls_and_my_driver_to_the/
%
"If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself"

That's why I'm still a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0vfsd/if_you_want_something_done_right_you_gotta_do_it/
%
What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0vfk8/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
I have often wanted to drown my troubles

But I can’t convince my wife to come swimming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0vf07/i_have_often_wanted_to_drown_my_troubles/
%
The only time get swiped right is..

...when someone wants to see the post before mine once again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ve4h/the_only_time_get_swiped_right_is/
%
Why did the duck get arrested?

because he was selling quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0vdxk/why_did_the_duck_get_arrested/
%
How does an elephant get down from a tree?

It sits on a leaf and waits until autumn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0v3t0/how_does_an_elephant_get_down_from_a_tree/
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My friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite star wars character..

You should have seen the luke on her face....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0v36q/my_friend_decided_to_get_a_face_tattoo_of_her/
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What do you call the study of Himalayan plants?

Bhutany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0v2n8/what_do_you_call_the_study_of_himalayan_plants/
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef, and why do people prefer ground beef?
...Because flying cows are hard to catch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0uyv2/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ux2t/my_friend_handed_me_a_peach_i_told_him_i_prefer/
%
I read a book about the digestive system.

The ending was shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0uwuy/i_read_a_book_about_the_digestive_system/
%
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0uwn8/i_was_so_embarrassed_when_my_wife_found_me/
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Robin Hood goes out on another mission

Same old same old, steal from the rich, give to the poor.
On this particular run he decides to go to a new town and find the wealthiest man to rob.
Being that he didn’t know anybody, he asked a bum he met on the road who the richest man in town was.
After learning this, Robin Hood went to the house of the rich man and seemingly out of dumb luck walked straight into a room filled with small gold coins. He grabbed a comfortable handful of coins and went on his way.
On the way back he saw the bum again, their conversation went like this;
Robin Hood: Oh its you again, I never caught your name, what is it?
Bum: I’m Edward It sir, but some people call me Ed.
Robin Hood: Well I appreciate you telling me where to go earlier, so take this as a gift (Robin Hood tosses the bum a shiny gold coin)
Ed It: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0uw04/robin_hood_goes_out_on_another_mission/
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Have you heard of the mumble rapper that died in jail?

He couldn't finish a sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0uto9/have_you_heard_of_the_mumble_rapper_that_died_in/
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My friends treat me like GOD.

They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0uth1/my_friends_treat_me_like_god/
%
I've had a bad day...

I've had a bad day.
Not only would the toilet not flush but I've been banned from the DiY store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0utfk/ive_had_a_bad_day/
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The black cow and the white cow

A curious guy sees a farmer tending to two cows in his field.
Guy: Hey, what do you feed those cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?
Guy: The white one.
Farmer: Grass.
Guy: How about the black one?
Farmer: Grass.
Guy: Where do they sleep?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?
Guy: The white one.
Farmer: Under the tree over there.
Guy: How about the black one?
Farmer: Under the same tree.
Guy: How healthy are those cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?
Guy: The white one.
Farmer: It's in perfect health
Guy: How about the black one?
Farmer: It's also in perfect health
Guy: Why do you even ask which one if you're just going to say same thing for both of them?!
Farmer: That's because I own the white one.
Guy: Then who owns the black one?!
Farmer: Me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0uqrr/the_black_cow_and_the_white_cow/
%
Decided to buy two dogs.

I named one 1 and the other 2.
So that way when 1 dies, I have 2 left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0um6t/decided_to_buy_two_dogs/
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My son is three years old and today I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn’t buy it and he certainly didn’t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ulp5/my_son_is_three_years_old_and_today_i_took_him/
%
A girl and a boy go to Sunday school together,

They sit on the same table next to each other. The girl falls asleep on the desk with her head on her arms.
Soon, the leader asks a question, “Who is our lord and saviour?” The boy pulls a drawing pin from the display board and pokes the sleeping girl in the arm. She wakes up with a start and shouts “JESUS CHRIST!”. The leader congratulates her.
After a while, the leader asks another question, “Who created the universe?”. The boy does the same again and pokes the girl in the arm with a drawing pin. She immediately wakes up and yells “LORD GOD!”. The leader congratulates her again.
Before the session ends, the leader asks another question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”. Nobody raises an arm so the boy pokes her again with the drawing pin. She wakes up with a yelp and screams at the boy, “I SWEAR IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME AGAIN I WILL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ul52/a_girl_and_a_boy_go_to_sunday_school_together/
%
A lake peer officer is talking through a megaphone: "Boat 99, please return to shore, your time is up"

A colleague walks up to him and asks: "Who are you calling? There are only 70 boats today."
The officer looks back at the lake, thinks for a bit, and starts talking again: "Boat 66, is everything ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ujdw/a_lake_peer_officer_is_talking_through_a/
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History....

I was thinking of doing Hisory in uni
But I couldn't see any future in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ui63/history/
%
What's the difference between a man and a woman?

When a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ufwc/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_and_a_woman/
%
My very popular son keeps getting hit at school.

I told my wife we shouldn't have named him Subscribe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0uci0/my_very_popular_son_keeps_getting_hit_at_school/
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What did the chicken say to the duck who was just about to cross the road?

"Don't do it bro, you will never hear the end of it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0uc20/what_did_the_chicken_say_to_the_duck_who_was_just/
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Why did the farmer say "I can't go for that."?

Because he was haulin oats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0u8vp/why_did_the_farmer_say_i_cant_go_for_that/
%
I've decided to become a math teacher, but I'm only going to teach subtraction..

I just want to make a difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0u5o0/ive_decided_to_become_a_math_teacher_but_im_only/
%
I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0u5fe/i_want_to_have_a_cheese_salad_roll_with_bacon_and/
%
Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0u481/nobody_ever_asks_how_cocacola_is_doing/
%
What came first? The chicken or the egg?

The rooster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0u3xs/what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
Tom's misery

Tom was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are going to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day Tom went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. Tom felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.
Tom answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor Jeff came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0tzer/toms_misery/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his arse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ttrl/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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Bob & Bertie

charter a pilot to fly them moose hunting. They shoot 6 of the beasts.
As Bob starts loading, the pilot says, "Sorry, my plane can only take 4 moose."
The lads object. "Last year we shot 6, and the pilot loaded them all; and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and loads all 6.
However, the plane can't handle the cargo and crashes in a field.
Climbing out of the wreckage, Bob asks Bertie,,
"Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0tsfe/bob_bertie/
%
What's the priest's favourite organ?

A KIDney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0tnw1/whats_the_priests_favourite_organ/
%
After 10 years

, the wife starts to think their child looks rather strange, so she decides to have a D.N.A. test done.
As she suspected, she discovers the kid is actually from completely different parents.
So, she decides to ask her husband about it.
Wife: “Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.”
Husband: “What's up?”
Wife: “According to D.N.A. test results, this is not our kid.
Husband: “I guess you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the  hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, and you said: "Please go  change the baby; I'll wait for you here."
So, I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.”
Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0tljk/after_10_years/
%
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.” The man replies,

“How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0tjjj/a_guy_walks_with_a_young_boy_into_the_woods_the/
%
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus.

And I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0th80/today_was_a_terrible_day_my_ex_got_hit_by_a_bus/
%
Do you ever see ice and then tell yourself...

Ah yes, Erected water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0tfay/do_you_ever_see_ice_and_then_tell_yourself/
%
What do you call an oak tree that can't make it's mind up?

Undeciduous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0tdpj/what_do_you_call_an_oak_tree_that_cant_make_its/
%
Why are there two ds in Reddit?

The second one is a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0tcqh/why_are_there_two_ds_in_reddit/
%
I was put on trial for murder

They had very little evidence that I did it
The judge said that I was a piece of shit.
I told him that if we are what we eat then I was not a piece of shit but that I was a human being like him and everyone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0t9if/i_was_put_on_trial_for_murder/
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What do you call that thing you blow on and make a wish?

A breathalyzer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0t4n4/what_do_you_call_that_thing_you_blow_on_and_make/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand binary code and those who don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0t3sw/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Bible

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that  had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out " What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0t3s2/bible/
%
Why are there so many female archeologists?

Probably cus they love digging up the past

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0t1qn/why_are_there_so_many_female_archeologists/
%
Guy goes to the beach during storm and nearly drowns...

Lifeguard rescues him and says "the hell were you thinking?!"
Guy says "they were *waving* me in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0t1ni/guy_goes_to_the_beach_during_storm_and_nearly/
%
Just heard I've been nominated for choirboy of the year!

I've never been so touched before...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0suc2/just_heard_ive_been_nominated_for_choirboy_of_the/
%
David's life was at a low point.

Seeing no way out, he walked out on a bridge, intending to end it all by leaping off. A woman, driving by in her car, sees David hesitating unsteadily on the wrong side of the railing and realizes what's going on. She stops her car and dashes over, hoping to talk him out of suicide.
"Wait!" she shouts. "Don't jump! Talk to me. Tell me what's going on. What's your name?"
"I'm David. Everything's gone wrong. I just don't think I have anything left to live for."
"I'm Annie. Do you have family? Parents? Wouldn't they miss you?"
David: "I have my dad and my sister. Both of them are wonderful....Yes, they would miss me. And I'd miss them."
Annie, seeing that David is reconsidering: "Great! You should live for them! Are you religious?"
David: "Yes, I've been going to church since I was a little boy."
Annie: "You're Christian?"
David: "Yes."
Annie: "Me too. My faith has gotten me through some hard times. Are you Catholic or protestant?"
David: "Protestant."
Annie: "Me too, I was raised Baptist."
David: "No kidding? So was I."
Annie: "Northern or Southern Baptist?"
David: "Northern."
Annie: "So am I! Midwestern or New England Baptist?"
David: "Midwestern. I'm from Indiana."
Annie: "Me too! 1892 rite or 1917 revised rite?"
David: "The revised rite."
Annie shouts "WHAT? Die, heathen!" and pushes him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0st9b/davids_life_was_at_a_low_point/
%
If you remove everyone's eyelashes, no one bats an eye.

But if you remove everyone's brains, everyone loses their minds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ssye/if_you_remove_everyones_eyelashes_no_one_bats_an/
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Did you hear about the cordoroy pillows?

They're making headlines everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0snbs/did_you_hear_about_the_cordoroy_pillows/
%
I have a lot of good jokes about unemployed people...

But none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0smlh/i_have_a_lot_of_good_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
There's only one type of person who never gets angry...

A nomad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0sk8j/theres_only_one_type_of_person_who_never_gets/
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Why is a blown-up balloon more expensive than a balloon that isn't

Inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0s9h1/why_is_a_blownup_balloon_more_expensive_than_a/
%
A kid asks his dad 'Daddy, what's dark humor?"

"Well," he said, "you see that fat kid get stuck in the baby swing?"
"Dad, I'm blind..."
The dad goes back to his newspaper.
"You're welcome, son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0s8x2/a_kid_asks_his_dad_daddy_whats_dark_humor/
%
I should write that down.

That.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0rvdd/i_should_write_that_down/
%
What does a slave do at the university?

He gets his master's degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ru9f/what_does_a_slave_do_at_the_university/
%
Why is 77 greater than 69?

Because you get ate more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0rry0/why_is_77_greater_than_69/
%
I hear the inventor of auto correct died

I didn't even know he was I'll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0rof7/i_hear_the_inventor_of_auto_correct_died/
%
Puns makes me numb.

Math puns make me number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0rnz4/puns_makes_me_numb/
%
Last night my girlfriend and I finally tried choking during sex.

It was breathtaking..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0rk7a/last_night_my_girlfriend_and_i_finally_tried/
%
Just burned 2000 calories today.

I won’t forget to remove the brownies from the oven next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0rhny/just_burned_2000_calories_today/
%
Cheesy joke:

A long time ago, the Swiss was robbing a bank. Minutes after the robbery, some Blue cheese showed up on the scene, and caught the Swiss. They drew their gun and said:
“Gouda hell, Swiss.”
And filled him with holes, but Swiss got away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0r601/cheesy_joke/
%
So this guy and his wife are driving home in the rain when a skunk appears...

The guy swerves and strikes the skunk nonetheless.  Being an animal lover he stops and assesses the soggy critter.  It breathes and he immediately scoops it up.  "Quick!" He says to his wife, "warm this skunk in your lap while I drive to the vet!"
"But it's wet and stinky" she protests.
"Well than plug it's nose" he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0r3pa/so_this_guy_and_his_wife_are_driving_home_in_the/
%
A guy is having dinner with his girlfriend's parents for the first time

As he's about to devour the soup, he sees his mother in law looking at him with an angry face.
She says:
- When you're at home, don't you always pray before you start eating?
He answers:
- No ma'am, my mom is a really good cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0r2sf/a_guy_is_having_dinner_with_his_girlfriends/
%
Who slept with my wife?

A man walks into a bar with a gun. Cocks it and asks, "Who here slept with my wife?"
A voice from the back replied, "You don't have enough bullets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0qzqx/who_slept_with_my_wife/
%
What do you call a fat psychic

A large medium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0qx1u/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
I like my women how I like my coffee!

Without a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0qs7w/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of tequila,

The bartender asks if he his celebrating.
The man says “yeah, my first blowjob”
The bartender says “sweet I’ll buy you one more.”
The man says “No thanks, if ten won’t get the taste out of my mouth I don’t think eleven will either”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0qrh8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_ten_shots_of/
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Two fish were having a race underwater when one of them hits a wall. What does the other fish say?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0qmgm/two_fish_were_having_a_race_underwater_when_one/
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What do you call it when a pig does karate?

Pork chop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0qm4n/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_pig_does_karate/
%
A Pennsylvania cop gets a call...

A Pennsylvania cop gets called to a hit & run by a passing motorist. He arrives on the scene to find a turned over Amish buggy, an unconscious man, and the horse loose & grazing on the side of the road. He calls an ambulance for the man and begins writing the accident report. Out of frustration, he turns to the horse and asks "You didn't happen to get the plate # on the car that did this, did you?" The horse looks at the officer and says "Nay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0qlf5/a_pennsylvania_cop_gets_a_call/
%
Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke... Only 3 stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0qgj0/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
%
I used to work in a recycling plant, crushing cans.

But I had to quit, it was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0qe8u/i_used_to_work_in_a_recycling_plant_crushing_cans/
%
A young man from Alabama thought that it was about time that he settled down.

So he went to his father and asked him "Dad, what should I look for in a wife."
His father shrugged, "It's all relative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0qds0/a_young_man_from_alabama_thought_that_it_was/
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My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.

Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0q82c/my_grandad_was_responsible_for_28_downed_german/
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What do you call it when Google keeps sending you ads about former vice presidents dancing?

Al Gore Rhythms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0q7qy/what_do_you_call_it_when_google_keeps_sending_you/
%
Last night I had a dream about a horse

It was a night mare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0q70w/last_night_i_had_a_dream_about_a_horse/
%
What kind of dessert is the most fattening?

wedding cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0q4vg/what_kind_of_dessert_is_the_most_fattening/
%
What college did Michael Jackson go to?

Bringham Young University

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0q3zq/what_college_did_michael_jackson_go_to/
%
You know what the 3 rings of marriage are?

The engagement ring.
The wedding ring.
And the suffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0q3jw/you_know_what_the_3_rings_of_marriage_are/
%
Tell you what I know about Dwarfs.

Very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0q130/tell_you_what_i_know_about_dwarfs/
%
What did Frankenstein say to his assistant?

“Hey, can you give me a hand?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0pw03/what_did_frankenstein_say_to_his_assistant/
%
I have a ton of money!

A dude goes up to his friend and says, "Dude! I have a TON of money in my bank account!"
His friend replies, "Oh, yeah? What's your balance?!"
To which he replies, "£2000"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0psow/i_have_a_ton_of_money/
%
What Type of Drink Makes you Lose Weight?

Lighter fluid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0pq4u/what_type_of_drink_makes_you_lose_weight/
%
What’s worse than ants in your pants...

Uncles in your pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0pkh7/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Yo mamma's so fat...

if she wrote a book about herself it would be an autogeography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0phku/yo_mammas_so_fat/
%
I moved to Compton so I wouldn't get ED.

Cuz The Boyz In the Hood are always hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0pajd/i_moved_to_compton_so_i_wouldnt_get_ed/
%
Why was the prison writing contest canceled?

The warden decided that there were too many cons and not enough prose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0p8rf/why_was_the_prison_writing_contest_canceled/
%
A man foolishly asks his wife why she keeps staring out of the window...

Taking a very deep breath she replies "I'm really fed up with the state of Mrs Brown's blinds. Mrs Perkin's aren't much better. And that Mrs Lewis- scruffy cow. Look at them- filthy. They're just not house proud like me. Dirty blinds are such an eyesore. If you were a real man you'd go over and get them to do something about it. In fact, you must- for I won't stand for it any longer."
"I'll tell you what..." says the man as he peers through the window beside her; "I'll see what I can do."
The following morning, she approaches him, beaming.
"I can't believe it. The blinds. They're all immaculate. What did you say to them?"
"Nothing..." says he "I just cleaned the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0p2gz/a_man_foolishly_asks_his_wife_why_she_keeps/
%
What's a botanist's favorite musical instrument?

A xylem phloem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0oxri/whats_a_botanists_favorite_musical_instrument/
%
A Book Never Written

Do These Pickles Smell Funny?
By: Fardhina Jarr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ouom/a_book_never_written/
%
A Blonde Joke

Q: What are the best ten years of a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0oqfw/a_blonde_joke/
%
What do Sigmund Freud and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both explored the unconscious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0oq5d/what_do_sigmund_freud_and_bill_cosby_have_in/
%
You know it's funny that a lot of Christians are against porn

I mean hey, I'm not the one praying to a guy getting nailed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0oohl/you_know_its_funny_that_a_lot_of_christians_are/
%
I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates.

It’s called Prose and Cons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0olta/i_started_a_program_at_the_local_jail_to_teach/
%
If you like Saturn so much

Then why don’t you become an astrophysicist and engineer, study it in depth, design new craft to fly there and examine the planet, write multiple research papers, give regular talks and become the worlds leading expert on Saturn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ok4j/if_you_like_saturn_so_much/
%
My girlfriend is like pi

Completely irrational

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ohbx/my_girlfriend_is_like_pi/
%
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

He was feeling crummy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ogn0/why_did_the_cookie_go_to_the_doctor/
%
Why is it so expensive to fill tires at the gas station?

Inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0og8w/why_is_it_so_expensive_to_fill_tires_at_the_gas/
%
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket

You could say that you are...
Independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ofxa/if_you_put_a_picture_of_yourself_in_a_locket/
%
I found a church where they include dairy with communion.

They call it "Cheeses of Nazareth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0odv3/i_found_a_church_where_they_include_dairy_with/
%
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.

Can't they hear the music?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0oc64/i_dont_understand_why_people_get_attacked_by/
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Tonto & the Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger says to Tonto,
" I'm gonna stop & have a tinkle behind this bush "
The Lone Ranger Screams
" AHHH Tonto come here quickly"
Tonto goes over & see that The lone ranger has been bitten by a Snake....
Tonto says "Don't panic , I know a Witch doctor who lives behind that hill "
Tonto sets off to locate the witch doctor ,
through  swamps ,  jungles &  mountains,
Tonto find the witch doctor.& asks how he can save his friends life.....
The witch doctor tells him
" The only way to save your friend is to suck the poison out of him"
Tonto nods his head & finds his way back to the lone ranger .
He asks Tonto eagerly  " so , what was it the witch doctor said to you? "
Tonto replies
" He said your gonna die"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0obnf/tonto_the_lone_ranger/
%
Someone asked me if I was one of those conspiracy theorists"

I replied, "why, who are you working for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0o3zh/someone_asked_me_if_i_was_one_of_those_conspiracy/
%
Why are so many people obsessed with whether the chicken or the egg came first?

My wife always told me it was the person who came last that matters in a relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0o3lu/why_are_so_many_people_obsessed_with_whether_the/
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I met a girl at a date auction and fell madly in love.

But our love was for biddin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0o1jy/i_met_a_girl_at_a_date_auction_and_fell_madly_in/
%
What sound does an Egyptian goose make?

“Ankh ankh”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0nzjj/what_sound_does_an_egyptian_goose_make/
%
Why was green so exited?

Because Red blue Green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0nywg/why_was_green_so_exited/
%
I went and saw Pearl Jam in the early ‘90’s and I thought to myself...

This couldn’t get Eddie Vedder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0nxpm/i_went_and_saw_pearl_jam_in_the_early_90s_and_i/
%
What do most legos have?

Separation anxiety

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0nxk6/what_do_most_legos_have/
%
A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"Go right ahead," she replies.
"Plethora," he says.
"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0nllf/a_woman_is_sat_at_her_husbands_funeral_when_a_man/
%
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0nisx/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
How turn tap water into holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0nhyk/how_turn_tap_water_into_holy_water/
%
Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0nhft/dude_1_hey_bro/
%
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero...

The invisible man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ngv4/as_a_child_i_always_thought_of_my_dad_as_a/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10, but also imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0nedz/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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My wife just said, “I just don’t understand the science behind human cloning.”

I said, “That makes two of us.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ndrn/my_wife_just_said_i_just_dont_understand_the/
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What’s a difference between an average redditor and an necrophiliac [NSFW]

One is dead inside and one is inside the dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0n1m5/whats_a_difference_between_an_average_redditor/
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i don't agree with the usage of upper case letters

i'm an anti-capitalist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0mz97/i_dont_agree_with_the_usage_of_upper_case_letters/
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JFK must have really liked smart women

Everybody used to look at Jackie O and say, “Check out the brains on her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0my3x/jfk_must_have_really_liked_smart_women/
%
It's a good thing technology can't unblur images and video

Because if it could, Japanese porn stars would clearly be fucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0moyp/its_a_good_thing_technology_cant_unblur_images/
%
What is a praying mantis's favourite book?

Pray, Love, Eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0mmid/what_is_a_praying_mantiss_favourite_book/
%
Ancient greeks invented sex

Romans made it more fun by adding women to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0mbmq/ancient_greeks_invented_sex/
%
How does a german cowboy say hi?

Audi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ma7a/how_does_a_german_cowboy_say_hi/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0m4xm/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
Did you hear about the deer that could not be convinced to go to the tannery?

It kept screaming, "I will not be suede!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0m3jl/did_you_hear_about_the_deer_that_could_not_be/
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We all know why six was afraid of seven. Why was ten afraid?

He was in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0m0z9/we_all_know_why_six_was_afraid_of_seven_why_was/
%
Why did pirates never sail down the River Thames?

'Scurvy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ltdg/why_did_pirates_never_sail_down_the_river_thames/
%
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0lt8m/i_just_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon/
%
Why should you never date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0lsp2/why_should_you_never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?

Dereliction of doodie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0lqfv/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_janitor_is_fired_for/
%
I started a new diet where you can sleep 20 hours a day...

It’s called, you Snooze you lose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0lpl2/i_started_a_new_diet_where_you_can_sleep_20_hours/
%
A priest and a rabbi are running out of a burning school

"What about the children?!?!?!" Asked the priest
"Fuck the children!!!!" Said the rabbi
The men continue running
"Wait,Will we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0lo50/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_running_out_of_a_burning/
%
What do you call a genetic engineering company in Italy?

Genitalia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0lkab/what_do_you_call_a_genetic_engineering_company_in/
%
My wife asked me how I view lesbian relationships

Apparently 1080p was the wrong answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0lg56/my_wife_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian_relationships/
%
Did you hear about the french cheese factory explosion?

de Brie everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0leys/did_you_hear_about_the_french_cheese_factory/
%
For Christmas I'm getting myself a 4K TV.

That's gonna be my new year's resolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ldre/for_christmas_im_getting_myself_a_4k_tv/
%
Jokes about communism aren't funny

Unless everybody gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0l6ie/jokes_about_communism_arent_funny/
%
An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.
He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.
"Why did you stop me you old fool?"
"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old man exclaims with a booming voice.
"I have nothing to live for anymore! Just let me end it!"
"Listen my son. I'm Santa Claus and I'm just here on vacation. But if you'd like, tell me what the problem is and maybe we can fix it." Said the old man with genuine concern.
"OK Santa, I'll tell you" the businessman shrugged "I used to be a really successful businessman. I had it all, amazing cars, beautiful women, loads of money. But now I lost it all thanks to the stock market crash. So I have nothing to live for."
"That's what got you in such melancholy? My boy, my boy! Tomorrow morning at 10, come here on this bridge and there will be a brand new Lamborghini waiting just for you!"
The businessman is surprised, then ecstatic. He grabs Santa and kisses him on both cheeks and then starts crying with joy. They sit down and talk for a while. But when they start discussing women, the businessman is depressed again.
"Oh Santa, I used to be such a playboy. Every single night I would bring home at least 2 different stunning and beautiful girls. Now, and at my age, I'll be lucky to find a mediocre girlfriend."
"That's what got you worried? Don't pout my son. In the Lamborghini tomorrow there will be 4 beautiful women waiting for you. They are all yours!"
The man starts hugging Santa again and says
"I'm sorry Santa, maybe it's too much, but since you are doing all this for me, could you give me back at least part of my wealth? I wasn't a greedy asshole like the rest of them. I used to spend it left and right and give to charities. I just enjoyed making people happy, and I'd like that back again."
"Sure my boy. One of the women tomorrow will have a suitcase with 1 billion dollars in it. It's all yours!"
"Oh thank you Santa, thank you so much. How could I ever repay you?"
"Well, there's one thing... I kinda miss my wife who had to stay at the North Pole, and especially... well this is embarassing... her blowjobs that she gave me every night. Would you give me a blowjob?"
The businessman is dumbfounded at first, but quickly steels himself
"Santa, you didn't just save my life, you gave it back to me as well. What you ask is the least I can do and I will gladly do it!"
"Brilliant my boy. My hotel isn't far from here. Follow me."
Santa leads the businessman to a hotel a couple blocks away. They go into Santa's bedroom and the businessman drops to his knees, unbuckles Santa's pants and goes to work. After they finish up, the business man goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Santa leans at the door and asks:
"My boy, you never told me your name"
"I'm Alex, Santa"
"Nice to meet you Alex. Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm nearly 50, Santa"
"And in these 50 years of life, did it never occur to you Alex, that Santa Claus might not be real?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0l4qb/an_exbusinessman_now_bankrupt_is_preparing_to/
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I went to a costume party dressed as an egg and I met a girl dressed as a chicken.

I said to her "So are we going to find out, or what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0kw51/i_went_to_a_costume_party_dressed_as_an_egg_and_i/
%
I don't know why people are so happy about Robert Mugabe's death...

I mean, didn't he turn all of his countrymen into billionaires?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0krc0/i_dont_know_why_people_are_so_happy_about_robert/
%
Today is my wife and I's anniversary...

I wanted to have sex, but she wanted to go to Outback Steakhouse. Her parents suggested that we go to church and renew our vows. We   compromised.
So we did it outback by the church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0kojg/today_is_my_wife_and_is_anniversary/
%
Everyone told Sam not to sing..

But Samsung anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0kn9l/everyone_told_sam_not_to_sing/
%
I asked my wife to go online and watch some porn to get some ideas for the bedroom.

Next time we made love, she laid there motionless. I asked her "what are you doing?". She replied, I saw this online, it's called "buffering".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0kf0z/i_asked_my_wife_to_go_online_and_watch_some_porn/
%
Why do they put bells on cows?

Because their horns don't work!
(Credit to this old man that just told it to me.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0kcni/why_do_they_put_bells_on_cows/
%
Procrastination will be my downfall.

Emphasis on “will”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0kbgq/procrastination_will_be_my_downfall/
%
A jewish girl asked me my number...

I said: I'm sorry but we use names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0k9fx/a_jewish_girl_asked_me_my_number/
%
Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0k6ec/two_women_archaeologists_are_down_in_mexico/
%
[NSFW] A business man was robbed in Las Vegas on his way to the airport

After he had checked out of the hotel late at night, 2 muggers have robbed his purse, mo and notebook, leaving him behind with his luggage.
He had hours left to get to the airport, and he was lucky that his ticket was at the side compartment of his luggage. He walked up to the street to the single standing taxi he could find. He approached the car and then knocked at the window.
The cab driver rolled down his windows and asked: "Let me guess, airport? Makes 60 dollars."
The business man replied: "I have no cash with me, I was robbed. No cash, no credit cards, but I've got my ticket with me."
With shaking head the driver huffs: "No cash, no business with me."
Desperated, the business man pleas for good faith in the driver: "Please, you gotta help me, I've got 4 hours left, and I promise to pay you. I will double the fare. And add 100 dollars on top! I'm pleading with you, please take me to the airport!"
The driver lets his offer sink in for a minute, then says: "Your offer stinks. I don't want to trust you. Take a bus or something." and drove off, leaving the business man behind.
However, the business man was lucky and able to catch his flight, even though he made it in last minute.
A year later again the business man has a trip in Las Vegas. Upon finishing his trip, he checks out of the hotel and walks to a taxi stand, where all taxis are lined one after the another. Near the rear end the business man recognizes the taxi driver who had left him alone in times of dire need.
The business man then goes to the front end pf the parked row and asked the cab driver: "How much is it to the airport?"
Driver: "60 dollars!"
Man: "And how much do you take for a blow job?"
Driver: "Fuck off!" and rolled up his window
The business man goes to the next driver behind and asks the same questions, only to get told to "fuck off" every time. He repeats it with every other vab driver, until he approaches the last year's cab driver. While approaching, the driver doesn't recognize the business man from last year.
The business man knocked at the window and the cab driver rolled down the window and asked: "Let me guess, airport? Makes 60 dollars!".
The business man answered: "That's a nice offer! I'll take that!" and gets in.
As the cab driver drives off, the business man makes sure to have eye contact with each cab driver they pass who have had refused his special offer, while smiling at them and having his thumbs up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0jw3h/nsfw_a_business_man_was_robbed_in_las_vegas_on/
%
A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling  very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he  tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He  goes to sleep unsatisfied.
The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, growling and threatening to attack if the man gets too close to the goat.
The  man grows frustrated. One day, he sees a ship foundering off the coast.  He is able to save someone from drowning. He gets them to shore and  discovers it’s a beautiful woman. She comes to and says “Wow, you saved  my life. I’ll do anything to thank you. \*Anything.\*”
The man can’t believe his luck. He looks at her and his mind reels with the possibilities.
“Would you mind holding this dog for a minute?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ju76/a_man_a_dog_and_a_goat_are_the_only_survivors_of/
%
Why do banks have drive thru windows?

So the cars can meet their real owners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0jl3t/why_do_banks_have_drive_thru_windows/
%
When my wife left me I was upset, lonely, and sad.

So I got a dog, bought a new motorcycle, hooked up with a couple of floozies, and blew a grand on drugs and booze.
Boy, is she gonna be mad when she gets home from work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0jd29/when_my_wife_left_me_i_was_upset_lonely_and_sad/
%
A woman looks out her window at her neighbor leaving for work, who puts a kiss on his wife's cheek.

So, as her husband is leaving, she points to the husband kissing his wife, and says, "Why don't you do that?" He says, "Why? I barely know her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0jcea/a_woman_looks_out_her_window_at_her_neighbor/
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What do you call it when someone makes fun of your facial hair?

A side-burn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0j5c0/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_makes_fun_of/
%
I prayed to God to help me stop masturbating.

And now I’m never allowed back at that church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0j407/i_prayed_to_god_to_help_me_stop_masturbating/
%
What's black, hot, and sits at the top of the stairs?

Steven hawking after a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0iyws/whats_black_hot_and_sits_at_the_top_of_the_stairs/
%
How can you tell when your wife is having an orgasm?

When my van is parked in your yard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0iut1/how_can_you_tell_when_your_wife_is_having_an/
%
How do chinese cats say hello?

Mi Yao
[this is my first post here be nice pls]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0iul3/how_do_chinese_cats_say_hello/
%
A student was flying back home so he reaches to the airport counter and speaks to the counter officer:

Student: Sir, here is my passport and the ticket.
Officer: Ok,its alright may i check your luggage.
Student: Ok here it is.But I would like to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London.
Officer:( Looking confused), I'm sorry we cannot do that?
Student: Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that is what exactly you did to my luggage last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0iqkg/a_student_was_flying_back_home_so_he_reaches_to/
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Who says Feminism isn't working?

Just the other day I saw a highlight video of a woman working multiple jobs. She was a Business owner, a maid, a realtor and even a new stepmom to a buff stepson who she obviously cared for very deeply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0iqeg/who_says_feminism_isnt_working/
%
A belt made of watches is just....

a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0iphm/a_belt_made_of_watches_is_just/
%
A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins.

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ioxm/a_friend_just_told_me_that_my_daughter_and_my/
%
Recently, my Shiba puppy has become so good at playing dead . . .

I actually bereaved him for a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ilq7/recently_my_shiba_puppy_has_become_so_good_at/
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I used to share an apartment with a few roommates who always said the place was haunted

I never noticed anything and I’d been living there for 200 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ieog/i_used_to_share_an_apartment_with_a_few_roommates/
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My wife suggested that I do a little light reading to help me relax

I feel worse than before. My eyes hurt, I have a headache and I only managed to make out the words 'Made in Taiwan 100W".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ictn/my_wife_suggested_that_i_do_a_little_light/
%
I told this joke today when asked to stand up and introduce yourself to the group, and say something interesting about yourself ...

So this guy dies and goes to hell. He finds himself in a nice room with a group of other people.  Satan stands up and says, "Welcome to Hell!"  The guy thinks to himself, "well, this doesn't seem so awful."  Then Satan says,  "I'd like each of you to introduce yourself, and tell us something interesting about yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0i0g1/i_told_this_joke_today_when_asked_to_stand_up_and/
%
What is yellow and turns red ?

A chick in a blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0hwej/what_is_yellow_and_turns_red/
%
Leather is great for sneaking around...

probably because it's made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0hwah/leather_is_great_for_sneaking_around/
%
I fucked a girl with one leg.

Probably should have used my cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0hw5t/i_fucked_a_girl_with_one_leg/
%
So a covenant of nuns hires a group of landscapers to do some work.... (Long)

Sister Mary Peter was looking at the grounds of the covenant one day and decided to call her brother John, a landscaper, to do some work and liven up the place. After agreeing to do so, John and his crew arrived at the covenant and began work on the grounds.
Throughout the week, John and his crew worked and worked, planting flowers, putting mulch in flower beds, planting trees, and cleaning up the overall area.
One day on their lunch break, Sister Mary Peter approached her brother with a concerned look on her face.
"Sister, we are almost done with the work, but you look distraught... is there something we did that you don't like?"
"Oh no of course not John! The yard work looks great; the flowers are beautiful, and the trees will provide some much needed shade on these hot summer days. The issue isn't with the work, it's with the workers!'
"Well what do you mean?" John asked, "these are my best men!"
"Yes," Sister Mary Peter said, "but the way they talk is out of control!"
"Come on Sister, my men just shoot straight. They always call a spade a spade." John proclaimed.
"Okay, but they don't have to call it a fucking shovel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0hseu/so_a_covenant_of_nuns_hires_a_group_of/
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New job in sales

A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid says “One”.
The boss says “Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says “$165,000”.
The boss says “$165,000? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’ ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0hrjh/new_job_in_sales/
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What’s poop’s favourite food?

Peanut butter and smelly.
Courtesy of my 6 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0hph3/whats_poops_favourite_food/
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My waiter once brought me the wrong order

I guess that was a server error

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0hmwl/my_waiter_once_brought_me_the_wrong_order/
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Dark humor is like clean water.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0hg7j/dark_humor_is_like_clean_water/
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Mischievous medical student

A notorious student in medical college was up to his usual tricks. This time, he went to his professor, but his professor was ready for him.
Student: 'How long can a man survive without a brain, sir? '
Professor: 'I don't know really. How old are you? '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0hf5v/mischievous_medical_student/
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Two melons are sitting in a field and the first one turns to the second and says

"We've been together all this time we should run away and get married."
The second melon replies, "We cantaloupe, we're melons!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0hd2f/two_melons_are_sitting_in_a_field_and_the_first/
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How does a Butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0haz8/how_does_a_butcher_introduce_his_wife/
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One day a business man notices a little shop and decides he’ll check it out.

Where stands an old man. Before the business man could introduce himself. The old man, thinking that he is the town’s famed storyteller, began his great legend.
He started,”Do ye feel the sturdiness of this here frame? I built it with mine own two hands. But they don’t call me Poltroon the builder of frames.”
The business man nodded.
“Look yonder, you see that fence? I cut down every tree and carved thos’ planks with mine own two hands, but they don’t call me Poltroon the Carpenter.”
Not understanding, the business man tried to excuse himself from the feeble old man’s “stories” but the old man cut him off.
“Fix ye gaze beyond the fence, look at the dock. I drove every post into the ground there. But they don’t call me Poltroon the dock builder.”
Getting quite worked up the business man exclaims,” what does this have to with anything?!?!”
The old man gives him a blank stare and mumbles,”but you f*ck one goat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0hahq/one_day_a_business_man_notices_a_little_shop_and/
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Remember, kids...

Always talk to your dermatologist before making any rash decisions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0h9p7/remember_kids/
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I like my slaves how I like my coffee

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0h7b9/i_like_my_slaves_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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We should've known communism would fail...

There was alot of red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0h0tr/we_shouldve_known_communism_would_fail/
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You have died and gone to hell

When you arrive in hell, you are greeted with a very happy and joyful Satan
Satan: WELCOME TO HELL!!!!! Please, let’s get you checked in and see where you will fit in our depths.
Satan scans the book of life. Locates your name
Satan: Ohhh, I see!!!! OH, WOW that is a lot of time on Porn hub… OH MY, you did that to your own mother?! \[He slams the book shut\] Well, while you never repented for your sins. You are still not of the worst we have here. Which means you get to pick your eternal damnation. Being the person you are, you also have the privilege of picking a new form of damnation every 1000 years. Let’s start you off with one of my favorite damnations.
He leads you to 3 doors.
Satan: keep in mind, you will be in this room for the next 1000 years. So, choose wisely,
The first room he shows you, has millions of people packed very tightly. All standing in shit up to their waist. You say to Satan, WOW there are a lot of people in here, Let’s see room #2.
2nd room he shows you has fewer people, not nearly as packed, people can move around, but are standing in shit up to their shoulders. WOW! That almost seems worse somehow. Let’s see room #3.
3rd room He shows you, there are about 30 people. All standing in shit up to their knees. Sipping various coffees and tea. WOW!!! You say, this doesn’t look so bad. I’ll take this room.
Satan: Are you absolutely sure? You’ll be stuck here for the next 1000 years. Once you’ve made a choice, that’s what you have to deal with.
You, feeling you have just beat the devil. Yes, this is the room I want.
Satan: VERY WELL!!! TAKE YOUR PLACE!!!
You find a nice open space, where you can move freely. A daemon brings you a hot cup of coffee. Laughs as he swoops away. ENJOY!!!!!!!! The door closes. 5 minutes later, you hear a voice over the loudspeaker, ALRIGHT SHITHOLES! Back on your heads! Next coffee break in 100 years!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0gwbv/you_have_died_and_gone_to_hell/
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Three old ladies

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.  One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.  She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know.  I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses.  Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.  She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”  She knocks on wood for good measure.  She then replies,“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0gv5b/three_old_ladies/
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My wife and I were happy for twenty-five wonderful years.

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0gpf4/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_twentyfive_wonderful/
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My favorite joke I'm sure you've heard it before.

So Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car driving down the freeway when a cop pulls them over. The cop comes to the window and asks,
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No but I know exactly where I am."
"You were doing 120mph in a 60mph zone!" Says the cop.
"Fuck! Now I'm lost!" Exclaims Heisenberg.
The cop finds this odd and decides to search the car and when he opens the trim he is startled and asks the people in the car.
"Did you know you have a bunch of dead cats back here?"
"We do now asshole!" Says Schrodinger.
The police officer is now officially flustered and confused and decides he'll cuff everyone and take them in for questioning.
Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0gn5a/my_favorite_joke_im_sure_youve_heard_it_before/
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[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0glp3/a_cinema_ticket_office_attendant_told_me_this_q/
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Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

Because 6, 7 8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0gksb/why_was_yoda_afraid_of_7/
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A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got  diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condolences and buy him and his son some drinks. Afterwords the son asks, “I thought you were diagnosed with cancer?” The man replies, “I did. I just didn’t want any of them banging your mother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0giqi/a_man_is_diagnosed_with_cancer_and_has_3_days_to/
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The ice cream truck is going down the street

And a lady runs after it but it doesn't see her and keeps going. She keeps following until the driver sees her in his mirror. He stops and shes out of breath
Truck driver: “hey, sorry about that, I didn't see you, what can I get you? “
Out of breath she says “I just wanted to tell you...I'm vegan”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0gd4u/the_ice_cream_truck_is_going_down_the_street/
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Whats a punch that can kill 26 people?

A Sandy Hook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0gbtr/whats_a_punch_that_can_kill_26_people/
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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic...

I was in Daniel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0gb3w/i_refused_to_believe_i_was_gay_and_dyslexic/
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When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!".
If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0g2ht/when_you_die_and_go_to_heaven_which_part_of_your/
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How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?

Ten tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0g1ps/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_tickle_an_octopus/
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Why is air so expensive?

Inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0g0ss/why_is_air_so_expensive/
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Why did the scarecrow get a nobel prize?

Because he was out-standing in his field.
Apologies if this has been posted, it’s new to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0g0jt/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_nobel_prize/
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Today at the bank an old lady told me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0fwku/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_told_me_to_check/
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What’s green, sticky and smells of bacon.

Kermits fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0fwem/whats_green_sticky_and_smells_of_bacon/
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[Politics] Joke Advice: Don’t make Hillary Clinton jokes in this subreddit.

They’re not funny.
Rather, they’re hillary-ious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0fqg1/politics_joke_advice_dont_make_hillary_clinton/
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I used to be a tap dancer

Until I fell in the sink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0flgj/i_used_to_be_a_tap_dancer/
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Why was the Apple uncomfortable in the fruit bowl?

Pear pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0fjsm/why_was_the_apple_uncomfortable_in_the_fruit_bowl/
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I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”

I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0fisr/i_was_watching_porn_with_my_wife_and_she/
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A policeman knocked on my door.

Police: I’m sorry sir but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus...
Me: I know but she has a wonderful personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0fhvz/a_policeman_knocked_on_my_door/
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What do you call it when a waiter brings you the wrong meal?

A server error

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0fei5/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_waiter_brings_you_the/
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Morning sex is a great way to start the day!

Unless you are in prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0fe71/morning_sex_is_a_great_way_to_start_the_day/
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What is Mario's favorite state?

Luigiana
(My niece told me this joke last night)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0fbd3/what_is_marios_favorite_state/
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Who knows where Jesus is?

A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0f9li/who_knows_where_jesus_is/
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A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me.

I thought "that's not very mature".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0f7kh/a_kid_threw_a_lump_of_cheddar_at_me/
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One day, Mickey Mouse wakes up and found a graffiti on the snow written with pee outside his house.

The graffiti wrote "Mickey Sucks".
The police came, and they told Mickey that there's bad news and an even worse news.
The bad news is, the urine is from Goofy.
The worse news is, its Minnie's handwriting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0f7a9/one_day_mickey_mouse_wakes_up_and_found_a/
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How does an evil cows laughter sound like?

Muuhahaha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0f4y4/how_does_an_evil_cows_laughter_sound_like/
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I was playing blackjack against this midget the other day and he cleaned me out.

I thought I was good at gambling, but he is a little bettor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0f3c8/i_was_playing_blackjack_against_this_midget_the/
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My wife and I have started an open marriage

I hope she doesn't find out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0exny/my_wife_and_i_have_started_an_open_marriage/
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On the occasion of Teachers Day, I called all my teachers and told them, "Everything I am today, it is because of you all."

They said, "don't blame us, we tried our best!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0evkv/on_the_occasion_of_teachers_day_i_called_all_my/
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What do you say to your sister when shes crying?

Are you having a crisis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0eq9i/what_do_you_say_to_your_sister_when_shes_crying/
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"My girlfriend took one of those home pregnancy tests last night and it shows that she's pregnant," he complains to the bartender. "Are you going to keep it?" the bartender asks. "I don't see the point," the guy replies. "You can only use them once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0epo7/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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A shipment of viagra has been hijacked on it's way to the depot.

Police are warning citizens to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0epfp/a_shipment_of_viagra_has_been_hijacked_on_its_way/
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer today.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0eobo/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_today/
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Therapist: How is your relationship to your parents?

Me: 1:2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0enuc/therapist_how_is_your_relationship_to_your_parents/
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Did you know there is no canary in the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands...

No canary there either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0endt/did_you_know_there_is_no_canary_in_the_canary/
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[NSFW] I tell people i'm more of a tits guy

But really I just have a bird fetish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0emli/nsfw_i_tell_people_im_more_of_a_tits_guy/
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Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888

So when you have guests you can say the password is 12345678

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0em9h/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
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A man walks into a Spanish restaurant

An American man walks into a Spanish restaurant and sits down. As he is sat there he sees lots of bull heads on the walls and costumes of matadors in the restaurant.
The waiter walks past and the American asks him “why do you have all these pictures and bulls heads up?”
The Spanish waiter says “well because we are near the bull ring we get a lot of meat from there and people come across the world to watch the fight and then eat the meat after the match”
The American man nods, at that moment a different waiter walks past with a plate with two huge round pieces of meat with tomato sauce and the whole works on it and looks amazing.
The American reached out to the waiter he was speaking to and says “I want to order what ever is on that plate!”
The waiter turns “that is the testicles sir, it is great for vitality, however we only get one portion a day. If you come back tomorrow we can get it for you”
The American man agrees orders something small to ensure he can eat the bulls testicles and come back the next day.
The next day he walks up the restaurant and before even sat orders the testicles and sits down. After about 20 minutes the waiter walks up with 2 small round pieces of meat garnished and covered in tomato sauce and sets the plate down in front of the American.
The American man erupts “this isn’t what I ordered. I ordered the testicles, yesterday’s were huge and now I have two small piece of meat. Why is this ?”
The waiter looks at the American “sometimes the matador wins, sometimes the bull wins”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ekhi/a_man_walks_into_a_spanish_restaurant/
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I finally got someone to be my valentine

I wish this wouldn't be the only sub I could post this on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0egyc/i_finally_got_someone_to_be_my_valentine/
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Why did the blind man fall into the well?

He couldn’t see that well..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0egfs/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
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A bear and a rabbit are taking a poo in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says..

"Do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?"
"No..no I don't." Says the rabbit.
So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his bum with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0eejc/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_taking_a_poo_in_the_woods/
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What do you call a college of hippopotamus?

Hippocampus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0edtv/what_do_you_call_a_college_of_hippopotamus/
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My friend reckons he can throw a stick one mile and his dog will go and retrieve it....

I think that's far fetched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0eda2/my_friend_reckons_he_can_throw_a_stick_one_mile/
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Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

Because he was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ecgr/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_nobel_prize/
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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady Two asked, "What's that?"
Lady One replied, "A condom."
Lady Two asked, "Where'd you get it?"
Lady One replied, "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady Two hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ebcf/two_old_ladies_were_outside_their_nursing_home/
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My flat-earther friend said he would try to find the edge of the world

Though in the end he came around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0easo/my_flatearther_friend_said_he_would_try_to_find/
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There are so many shows of flat-earthers trying to find the edge of the earth

They'll be so disappointed when they realise that not of them end on cliff hangers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0e8l2/there_are_so_many_shows_of_flatearthers_trying_to/
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Little Johnny comes up to his mother and asks her

LITTLE JOHNNY: Mom, how are babies born?
MOTHER: Well I told you already honey, a stork brings them
LITTLE JOHNNY: Yeah that's obvious, but who fucks the stork?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0e858/little_johnny_comes_up_to_his_mother_and_asks_her/
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If pronouncing my v's as b's makes me sound Russian

Then soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0e5s7/if_pronouncing_my_vs_as_bs_makes_me_sound_russian/
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My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0e3qt/my_7_year_old_nephew_showed_me_with_pride_the/
%
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Saying so, he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her in every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0dvuk/joe_wanted_to_buy_a_motorbike_he_doesnt_have_much/
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Why did the police bring in the midget for questioning?

Because he was a little suspect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0dle5/why_did_the_police_bring_in_the_midget_for/
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(For my Aussies out there) What do you call a burnt down Woolworths?

Coles/Coals!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0dkt7/for_my_aussies_out_there_what_do_you_call_a_burnt/
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If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up...

They'd be alloys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0difb/if_iron_man_and_the_silver_surfer_teamed_up/
%
The sciatic nerve.

It's a real pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0dgzp/the_sciatic_nerve/
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Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers?

Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0desb/why_do_cardiac_surgeons_make_the_best_public/
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What kind of grass is the best kind of grass?

Emo grass since it cuts itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0dayy/what_kind_of_grass_is_the_best_kind_of_grass/
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The doctor says I’m addicted to everything Japan related.

I don’t know what is he talking about. I’m normal , hentai?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0d9zg/the_doctor_says_im_addicted_to_everything_japan/
%
Two Antennas Met on a Roof, Fell in Love and Got Married...

The wedding wasn't that great, but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0d81m/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof_fell_in_love_and_got/
%
What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0d7tz/what_does_a_french_baker_say_when_they_made_a/
%
Why is Bruno Mars not called Bruno Snickers?

Because he has no nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0d2q7/why_is_bruno_mars_not_called_bruno_snickers/
%
A man stood on the foot of a woman on a train

Man2: hey! You stood on the foot of my wife. I want a compensation!
Man1: no problem. My wife is the blonde in the second row!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0d1k3/a_man_stood_on_the_foot_of_a_woman_on_a_train/
%
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?

Really good acid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0cz81/do_you_know_what_its_called_when_you_see_the_sun/
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How many members of Alcoholics Anonymous does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0cqho/how_many_members_of_alcoholics_anonymous_does_it/
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A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners!

The dry cleaner says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0cm4l/a_blonde_drops_off_her_dress_to_the_dry_cleaners/
%
I hate hedgehogs.

Why can't they just share the hedge?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0clap/i_hate_hedgehogs/
%
What do you call a rude and isolated bacteria?

Uncultured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0cid1/what_do_you_call_a_rude_and_isolated_bacteria/
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Sex is like a bath

It doesn’t end up well if you throw a toaster into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0cgcg/sex_is_like_a_bath/
%
Vampires need to stop turning their victims at such a young age.

Help end Premature Draculation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0cfci/vampires_need_to_stop_turning_their_victims_at/
%
If you’re ever choking on an ice cube

Just wait,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0cbya/if_youre_ever_choking_on_an_ice_cube/
%
Why didn't aliens visit our solar system yet? ...

They saw the reviews..... Only one Star...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0cb6o/why_didnt_aliens_visit_our_solar_system_yet/
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What do you call someone who keeps smashing boxes of corn flakes?

A cereal killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0c8n7/what_do_you_call_someone_who_keeps_smashing_boxes/
%
I was mad on my way up the stairs.

By the time I got to the third floor my anger was on another level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0c0qs/i_was_mad_on_my_way_up_the_stairs/
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Ladies discussing their sex life...

*Mrs Mulenga:* I notice that when I go down on my husband and suck his dick, the balls are always cold.
*Mrs. Mwamba:* My husband's balls are cold too, when I suck his dick.
*Mrs. Banda:* How can you both do such thing? It is
disgusting!!
*Ladies:* It is the best way to make a man happy.
*Mrs. Banda:* I will try tonight.
Next Day....Both were shocked to see Mrs Banda's face bruised and with bandages all over her body.
*Ladies:* What Happened???
*Mrs. Banda:* I'm from hospital, Mr Banda did this.
*Ladies:* But why????
*Mrs Banda:* I don't know, I was sucking his dick and all I said was, "Hey dear your balls are also cold like Mr. Mulenga's and Mr. Mwamba's!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0bxpj/ladies_discussing_their_sex_life/
%
What do you call the first person to put a fruit filled pastry on the side of their head?

A Pieonear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0bx3f/what_do_you_call_the_first_person_to_put_a_fruit/
%
Why don’t robots play Pokémon?

They can’t CAPTCHA ‘em all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0bur0/why_dont_robots_play_pokémon/
%
What's a Democrat's favorite genre of EDM?

Progressive house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0bp7x/whats_a_democrats_favorite_genre_of_edm/
%
My wife is mad I have no sense of direction

so I packed my stuff and right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0bmbq/my_wife_is_mad_i_have_no_sense_of_direction/
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What the difference between anime and hentai?

The camera angle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0bm9q/what_the_difference_between_anime_and_hentai/
%
A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.
While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.
He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
As the lion got closer. The Lion ran to him and said "Shut up! You are going to get us both fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0bm5h/a_cheap_zoo_lost_its_gorilla_and_instead_of/
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Little Johnny Joke

Every day, Little Johnny’s teacher came into school with a word of the day for the class to learn. On this particular morning the word of the day was contagious.
Teacher: Does anyone know how to use the word contagious in a sentence? (Only little Johnny raised his hand)
Teacher: Anyone else? Anyone??? Ok Little Johnny, how do you use the word contagious in a sentence?
Little Johnny: So, the other day my buddy and I were in the backyard and we saw the neighbor lady painting her fence. It was 50 yards long with 8 inch wide slats and she was using a 4 inch  brush. I look at my buddy and say “Man, it’s going to take that cunt ages to paint the fence!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0bfrj/little_johnny_joke/
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John went to a restaurant to eat..

John : "I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy..."
Waiter : "Maybe the chicken strips for $6?"
John : "Maybe it does but that doesn't help with my hunger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0b15a/john_went_to_a_restaurant_to_eat/
%
So I went to a gender reveal party last weekend

Apparently they wait 25 years in Thailand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0asei/so_i_went_to_a_gender_reveal_party_last_weekend/
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A man walks into a bar, and the first thing he notices is how ridiculously short the guy on the piano is.

He goes up to the bartender and says "Hey, uh, so what's the deal with the piano guy?"
"Well, you see this shiny rock right here?  If you put your hand on it, it's supposed to grant you a wish."
"Holy hell, are you serious?  Let me try!"
"Oh no I wouldn't.  It can be finicky, it doesn't work that well."
"Nah don't worry, just let me try it."
The man puts his hand on the luminescent blue stone and closes his eyes.  For a few second, nothing happens.  Then, a thunderous guttural noise erupts from outside the bar.  Panicking, the bartender and the man run outside.  To their surprise, the parking lot is completely overrun with ducks, up to their shoulders.
"What the hell?! I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
"Yeah, you think I wanted a ten-inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0aql6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_first_thing_he/
%
What do you call an aquatic Nazi?

Adolphin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0aph8/what_do_you_call_an_aquatic_nazi/
%
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0amdy/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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My roommates always say they think our house is haunted.

But I've lived here for 600 years and everything seems fine to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0ai2r/my_roommates_always_say_they_think_our_house_is/
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If a man goes into a forest and cuts down a tree and the tree cant figure out why he was cut down

Do you think the tree is stumped?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0agaw/if_a_man_goes_into_a_forest_and_cuts_down_a_tree/
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So a horse walks into a bar for the sixth time this week.

He says, "Hey Rene, I'll have a beer."
The bartender, Rene, says, "You come in here a lot, are you sure you don't have an alcohol problem?"
The horse then disappears because it wasn't actually real in the first place and Rene only imagined it.  See, it's a joke about Rene Descartes, but if I explained the joke first I would be putting Descartes before de horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0agab/so_a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_for_the_sixth_time/
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What's a prostitute doing in the back of a honda?

Her civic duties, of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0aepi/whats_a_prostitute_doing_in_the_back_of_a_honda/
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My friend doesn't believe Canada has a Prime Minister

Its Trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0aeih/my_friend_doesnt_believe_canada_has_a_prime/
%
Why did the hippie drown?

He was too far out man..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0adaw/why_did_the_hippie_drown/
%
A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods...

The bear turns to the rabbit and says: excuse me, but do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?
The rabbit says: No.
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
(Credit: Eddie Murphy’s Delirious)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0a1cv/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_were_taking_a_shit_in_the/
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What's the only enemy of the swordfish?

The penfish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d09nmq/whats_the_only_enemy_of_the_swordfish/
%
A naked girl walks into a bar.

She orders a drink from the bartender.
He brings her her drink and puts it down on the bar.
Excuse me miss but I can't help noticing you don't have a purse...how do you plan to pay for the drink?
She lifts both her legs up and puts them on the bar showing him her naked crotch and says...is this good for payment?
He has a good long look and asks...do you have anything smaller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d09icu/a_naked_girl_walks_into_a_bar/
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A gal walks into a bar and orders the largest beer they have.

"Sometimes I just need to drown my troubles," she tells the bartender with a heavy sigh. "But I can't convince my boyfriend to go swimming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d09d2t/a_gal_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_the_largest/
%
Why did Jeffrey Epstein love Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven?

...Cause it's in A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d09cx6/why_did_jeffrey_epstein_love_led_zeppelins/
%
What do you call a dog that floats in water?

a good buoy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d096kw/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_floats_in_water/
%
My friend asked me if ignorance or arrogance was worse.

I said I don’t know and I don’t care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d094cw/my_friend_asked_me_if_ignorance_or_arrogance_was/
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What do you call a dog that breathes underwater?

A subwoofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d092ko/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_breathes_underwater/
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What kind of bees produce milk?

Boo bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d09154/what_kind_of_bees_produce_milk/
%
I received a message last night from an unknown source that read, “I’ll be there in five minutes, and then we are going to get freaky.” I was terrified, but luckily it turns out it was meant for someone else.

Either way, I done using Ouija Boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d08i9e/i_received_a_message_last_night_from_an_unknown/
%
What do mathematicians and worrywarts have in common?

They both think about problems that will never happen in real life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d08h2a/what_do_mathematicians_and_worrywarts_have_in/
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A German tourist saved my dog

A German tourist jumps into the freezing cold water to save my poor dog, after climbing out he says “Keep ze dog dry and varm, he vill be fine” I replied “are you a vet” to which he replied “Vet? I’m fucking soaking”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d08avu/a_german_tourist_saved_my_dog/
%
What does Trump do early in the morning?

He lies in bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d088nv/what_does_trump_do_early_in_the_morning/
%
I was in my hotel lobby, and I heard two chess Masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
( Credit to Thomas Sanders, this made me laugh, I thought other people should see it. )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d086b4/i_was_in_my_hotel_lobby_and_i_heard_two_chess/
%
My pet rabbit was an enlightened thinker but was electrocuted.

Now, he's a Volt-Hare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d083r1/my_pet_rabbit_was_an_enlightened_thinker_but_was/
%
Opening a pet shop specialized only in Birds and marine animals

Calling it fish & chirps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0833k/opening_a_pet_shop_specialized_only_in_birds_and/
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I trapped a couple vegans in my basement

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf​!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d081xj/i_trapped_a_couple_vegans_in_my_basement/
%
I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.

Her boyfriend would've helped, but he's out of town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d07y4w/i_just_helped_my_neighbor_bury_a_rolled_up_carpet/
%
I followed an ugly person on Instagram to try to help raise their self esteem

but all it said was "Edit Profile".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d07w41/i_followed_an_ugly_person_on_instagram_to_try_to/
%
What disease is the leading cause of death among potatoes?

Tuber culosis
Sorry for the potato quality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d07f2t/what_disease_is_the_leading_cause_of_death_among/
%
What do get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d07eqq/what_do_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_and_a_rhino/
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In a brothel...

A distinguished gentleman addressing the matron: Madam, I have only $5, and the lady says to a girl: "Dolores, make a penguin to the gentleman".
The gentleman, hesitant, unaware of what a "penguin" was, follows the sweet damsel up the room, The girl begs him to lower his pants and so, standing up, leaning back against the door, she gives him a blowjob.
But at the most beautiful moment, the girl stops and runs away, and the gentleman, with his pants down, tries to chase her in small, quick steps, shouting:
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d07eny/in_a_brothel/
%
My son is so ungrateful. I bought a him a trampoline for his birthday...

...But all he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d07dih/my_son_is_so_ungrateful_i_bought_a_him_a/
%
Sex can make your day...

But anal sex can make your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d07ccv/sex_can_make_your_day/
%
Every day I'm surrounded by broken condoms.

Running a daycare center is tough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d079tg/every_day_im_surrounded_by_broken_condoms/
%
I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d077jr/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_confused/
%
Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d075ns/why_is_spiderman_so_good_at_comebacks/
%
What do you call an unemployed Rasta?

Jah bless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d070h7/what_do_you_call_an_unemployed_rasta/
%
I like my women like I like my whisky

Aged 14 years and kept in a barrel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d06s3p/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whisky/
%
My 5 year old son Dexter just found out that there's a show called "Dexter". Time to have that talk I've always dreaded...

"Son, don't watch the last two season."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d06maf/my_5_year_old_son_dexter_just_found_out_that/
%
A naked woman robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d06in6/a_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank/
%
Husband: "honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

Wife: "you have the largest penis of all your friends"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d064hj/husband_honey_tell_me_something_that_will_make_me/
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Three women are at an exclusive health club in Miami. They are debating how much to tip the towel boy.

Edith says, “I’ll give him five bucks.” Esther says, “I’ll give him ten.”  “What about you, Rose, what are you going to tip him?” asked Edith.  “I’m going to give him sex,” she said.
“Huh? Are you crazy?” asked Esther.
“No. In fact, I was wondering about this yesterday. So I called my husband, and I says, Benny,
how much should I tip the towel boy?”
“Fuck ’em,” he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d061vc/three_women_are_at_an_exclusive_health_club_in/
%
What's the difference between a stove and a Jet?

A stove needs a pilot light while a jet needs a light pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d05w80/whats_the_difference_between_a_stove_and_a_jet/
%
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis.

Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d05phr/a_guy_asks_for_a_tattoo_of_a_100_bill_on_his_penis/
%
My mom’s a Jew, but my Dad isn’t.

So really I’m Jew..ish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d05pg8/my_moms_a_jew_but_my_dad_isnt/
%
What do you call a dog that's in the Navy?

A sub-woofer
not sure if this one's already been made up but it came from my own brain!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d05ib6/what_do_you_call_a_dog_thats_in_the_navy/
%
why was the kid staring at the orange juice?

It said concentrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d05h9f/why_was_the_kid_staring_at_the_orange_juice/
%
Why is it called boob sweat

But not humiditties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d05gdo/why_is_it_called_boob_sweat/
%
Someone stole all my booze, and I'm not even mad.

They lifted my spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d054ia/someone_stole_all_my_booze_and_im_not_even_mad/
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Chuck Norris went to a feminist gathering...

And came back with well ironed shirt and a lunch box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d04qjj/chuck_norris_went_to_a_feminist_gathering/
%
What do you call a bug that hesitates before biting?

A nervous tick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d04o12/what_do_you_call_a_bug_that_hesitates_before/
%
What’s every gamers favorite note on a piano?

E3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d04m2d/whats_every_gamers_favorite_note_on_a_piano/
%
Today I'm going to teach you how to walk.

Step 1:
Step 2:
Step 3:
Step 4:
Step 5:
Step 6:
Step 7:
Step 8:
Step 9:
Step 10:
Step 11:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d04lpw/today_im_going_to_teach_you_how_to_walk/
%
What's the best time of day to poop in the woods?

Tree turdy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d04k6l/whats_the_best_time_of_day_to_poop_in_the_woods/
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Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I couldn't let it pass without this story of the RAF hero. [TRUE STORY]

Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I couldn't let it pass without this story of the RAF hero. He was giving a talk at an upmarket girl's school about his time as a pilot in the Second World War. "So there were two of these F\*\*\*ers behind me, three f\*\*\*ers to my right, another f\*\*\*er on the left," he told the audience. The headmistress went pale and interjected: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." Sir Douglas replied: "That may be, madam, but these f\*\*\*ers were in Messerschmitts."
*Based on a true story*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d04hx3/today_marks_the_35th_anniversary_of_the_death_of/
%
A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.
"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"
Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests and scolds the young boy. "Quentin, we do NOT shout that kind of language in front of mummy's guests! Next time, just whisper, okay?"
The little boy nods sheepishly. His mum takes him to the bathroom and tucks him back into bed.
The next night, little Quentin is busting to go to the toilet again.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his mother, having a glass of wine with her friends.
"Mum! I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!"
Mum excuses herself and takes Quentin to the bathroom, smiling at her son's innocent mistake, but relieved that he was at least more discreet than last time. She takes Quentin back upstairs and tucks him into bed. "Well done, sweetie," she says, kissing him goodnight, "that was much more polite."
A few nights go by, and lo and behold, the little boy is busting to go to the toilet again.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his dad watching TV.
"Dad!" Quentin says softly, "I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!"
"Aw, is that so, little buddy?" says dad, his eyes fixed on the television. "Come on over here and whisper in daddy's ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d04hd3/a_little_boy_is_lying_in_bed_busting_to_go_to_the/
%
Where do Russians send their ghosts?

To the Ghooouuulllll-lag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d04g78/where_do_russians_send_their_ghosts/
%
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d04ekk/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic/
%
Did you hear about the drummer that got kicked out of his band for having horrible timing?

He got so depressed that he threw himself behind a speeding bus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d04btr/did_you_hear_about_the_drummer_that_got_kicked/
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Fake friends suck...

You take your medication once and they leave you just like that
(I came up with this on my own but it's probably not a new joke lol)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d04bj5/fake_friends_suck/
%
Captain Blackbeard and his first mate Kelly capture a ship searching for precious jewels...

The ship is carrying three groups: guides, soldiers, and miners. They are transferring the three groups over in three boats. During the transfer, the boat with the guides capsizes, followed by the soldiers, but the miners cross safely.
A bloom of jellyfish passes by and stings the men in the water. Once Blackbeard gets the stung men on board, he hope's to ease their pain and orders his men to urinate on them.
He looks around to see his first mate peeing on a group of very upset (and very dry) men. He yells out, "Aaaarrrrr Kelly! Quit pissin on those miners!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d03wys/captain_blackbeard_and_his_first_mate_kelly/
%
Why do people with a foot fetish always lose?

They like to taste dafeet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d03vv6/why_do_people_with_a_foot_fetish_always_lose/
%
Can you imagine The Titanic with a lisp?

It’s unthinkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d03sk1/can_you_imagine_the_titanic_with_a_lisp/
%
For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands!

I'm happy to announce in october were going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d03q88/for_our_silver_wedding_anniversary_i_got_a_map_of/
%
Is it possible to murder the letter R and hide its body so it's never found again?

Asking for a fiend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d03fg9/is_it_possible_to_murder_the_letter_r_and_hide/
%
I’ve been saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.

It means a lot to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d03bdi/ive_been_saying_mucho_to_all_of_my_mexican_friends/
%
What did the blind supporter of Hitler say?

I can Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d03awh/what_did_the_blind_supporter_of_hitler_say/
%
My dad asked me the other day : ,,Hey, are you even listening to me ?“

Dude... that’s a really weird way to start a conversation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d039j5/my_dad_asked_me_the_other_day_hey_are_you_even/
%
Not many people know it, but the toothbrush was invented in my home state of Kentucky

You can tell because had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d030id/not_many_people_know_it_but_the_toothbrush_was/
%
“You are what you eat”

I don’t remember eating anxiety and back problems

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d02s17/you_are_what_you_eat/
%
Why could the girl no longer see her sex-changed mother?

Her mother was a trans parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d02q1j/why_could_the_girl_no_longer_see_her_sexchanged/
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I got a new job at the zoo, circumcising elephants.

The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d02n9t/i_got_a_new_job_at_the_zoo_circumcising_elephants/
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I am sorry about this one

Hitler is not allowed to grill at cookouts because he always burns the franks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d02ld4/i_am_sorry_about_this_one/
%
My neighbor slipped and fell in the driveway.

It was his own dumb asphalt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d02gfb/my_neighbor_slipped_and_fell_in_the_driveway/
%
Jesus' greatest miracle that no one talks about..

Having 12 best friends in his 30's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d02gd9/jesus_greatest_miracle_that_no_one_talks_about/
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I went to a museum and I asked if I could take a picture...

The guard was adamant that the pictures stay on the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d02g24/i_went_to_a_museum_and_i_asked_if_i_could_take_a/
%
When an Amazon employee is on maternity leave...

Are they out for delivery?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d02fk8/when_an_amazon_employee_is_on_maternity_leave/
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A guy told me his truck was red. Dog dick red. I said my dog’s dick isn’t red...

He said I wasn’t rubbing it hard enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d0240s/a_guy_told_me_his_truck_was_red_dog_dick_red_i/
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What’s the difference between a rodeo clown and a politician?

The rodeo clown tries to avoid the bull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d022of/whats_the_difference_between_a_rodeo_clown_and_a/
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What do you call a zombie made out of cheese?

A Zombrie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d01w0w/what_do_you_call_a_zombie_made_out_of_cheese/
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A man walks into a bar.

The bartender greets him with, "How about a drink?"
"Thanx.  Vodka."
The bartender brings it.  "That'll be $5."
"Wait!  You offered me a drink and I accepted.  Nobody said anything about money."
The man next to him speaks up.  "I'm a lawyer and, technically, you entered into a verbal agreement with no mention of compensation."
"Fine!", the bartender fumes, "but, drink it and get out!"
The next day, the man comes back.
"Hey!  Aren't you the guy who scammed me for a free drink yesterday?"
"No, not me."
"Then you must have a double!"
"Thanx!  Make it a vodka and see if my friend the lawyer would like something, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d01ulj/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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How did the mansplainer die?

They said he fell down a manhole. But it was a well, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d01tk2/how_did_the_mansplainer_die/
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"It's a boy!", He screamed, running out of the room,

And vowed never to visit Thailand again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d01qa9/its_a_boy_he_screamed_running_out_of_the_room/
%
Have you heard about the movement to replace lab rats with lawyers?

The researchers don't get so attached and there are *some* things a rat just won't do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d01pap/have_you_heard_about_the_movement_to_replace_lab/
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What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?

An ariel assault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d01ny3/what_do_you_call_getting_attacked_by_a_mermaid/
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What’s it called when you hook up with a set of twins?

A doppelbänger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d01lnv/whats_it_called_when_you_hook_up_with_a_set_of/
%
After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie

House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d01jhi/after_trump_changes_course_of_hurricane_with_a/
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The Swede’s wife

stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.
The Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blew up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replied, "I can't afford any on the little money you give me."
Patrick reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's a $20. Go out and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?"
She too explained, 'You dinna give me enough money to be able at affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d01gen/the_swedes_wife/
%
Robin: "Batman, the batmobile doesn't work. "

Batman: "Robin, did you check the battery?"
Robin: "Batman, what the fuck is a tery?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d01fz3/robin_batman_the_batmobile_doesnt_work/
%
What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut? With thanks to my 9 year old

A Barbecue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d01d67/what_do_you_call_a_line_of_men_waiting_for_a/
%
Why do moths fly with their feet apart?

Have you seen the size of moth balls?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d014wt/why_do_moths_fly_with_their_feet_apart/
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A baby seal walks into a bar..

The bartender says "what would you like? "
Baby seal says "Anything but a Canadian club on the rocks".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d00ulm/a_baby_seal_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d00tiz/the_owner_of_a_drug_store_walks_in_to_find_a_guy/
%
The Pope goes to a Car Showroom...

Agent: Sir, what type of car is your favorite?
The Pope: A convertible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d00soz/the_pope_goes_to_a_car_showroom/
%
Why are eggs not very much into jokes

Its because they could crack up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d00rjd/why_are_eggs_not_very_much_into_jokes/
%
Snow isn't a problem in Muslim countries, but

ISIS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d00pky/snow_isnt_a_problem_in_muslim_countries_but/
%
A priest is taking confessions

When he gets a sudden urge to use the bathroom.  Not wanting to interrupt the lineup, he flags over the janitor and says " can you sit in for me for a 10 minutes,  just flip through this sins book and dish out whatever penance is required.  Easy peasy."
So the first confessioner comes in, a young woman that says she had premarital sex.  After checking the book, he gives her three hail Mary's.
Next comes a woman that confesses to anal.  The janitor checks the book, and assigns her to 5 hail Mary's and a donation to the church.
Then comes a young lady that confesses to giving oral to a married man.
The janitor flips through the book, but cant find oral, felatio or blowjob anywhere.  He starts to panic, and calls over an alterboy thats working in the back.
"Hey, what does the priest usually give for a blowjob?" He asks.
"Uh, usually its three chocolate bars" replies the alterboy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d00k73/a_priest_is_taking_confessions/
%
One of the worst dad jokes I have heard.

Me: Dad my foot hurts!
Dad: How do you know it's a foot, it could only be 11 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d00k5l/one_of_the_worst_dad_jokes_i_have_heard/
%
My grandpa survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings.

Being in Australia helped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d00b7g/my_grandpa_survived_both_the_hiroshima_and/
%
I saw an article about a woman who tried to sell her kid on eBay. You shouldn’t sell your child on eBay. That’s something YOU made.

That shit goes on Etsy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d009zx/i_saw_an_article_about_a_woman_who_tried_to_sell/
%
Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because he couldn't get his knob out the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/d003yi/why_did_the_pervert_cross_the_road/
%
The monocle joke

A monocle walks into a bar.  After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzyrk/the_monocle_joke/
%
Why don’t people like hearing jokes about popcorn?

They’re too corny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzxwr/why_dont_people_like_hearing_jokes_about_popcorn/
%
What's a masochist's favorite place to go have fun?

An Abusement Park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzw2w/whats_a_masochists_favorite_place_to_go_have_fun/
%
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzv8z/doctor_nurse_how_is_that_little_boy_doing_the_one/
%
A Soviet couple were walking down the street when they saw a dark cloud

The husband said “I think it’s going to rain”
The wife said “I think it’s going snow”
The husband asked a communist officer on the street “Officer Rudolf, will it rain or snow?”
The officer said “it will definitely rain”
When the husband told the wife, she asked “but how do you know”
The husband replied “Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzstr/a_soviet_couple_were_walking_down_the_street_when/
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[NSF] "Take off my scarf!", she said.

So I took off her scarf.
"Take off my shirt!", she demanded. So I unbuttoned her shirt and took it off slowly.
"Take off my bra!", she said in a rough voice. I unlatched her bra gently, sliding it off of the arms.
"Now, take off my skirt!", she ordered. I calmly sled it off the legs.
She stared into my eyes, wrapped her hands around my shoulders and said:
"Don't you ever fucking dare to try on my clothes again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzrf7/nsf_take_off_my_scarf_she_said/
%
People treat me like a god....

They ignore my existence until they need something from me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzow4/people_treat_me_like_a_god/
%
Area 51 encounters a Cessna.

You've all heard ofthe Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying
"you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief ofthe Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I
was last night!"
Idk if this was posted here before, found this on another joke app.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czznxt/area_51_encounters_a_cessna/
%
Women Friends chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner, we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and afterward we talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
*At the same time, their husbands are talking at work...*
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzn49/women_friends_chatting_in_office/
%
One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.
There he meets Satan. “What are you doing down here? I see you lived a pretty decent life.”
“I went to Heaven first and they aren’t admitting anyone right now. I don’t really have anywhere else to go.”
“Hmm, I guess I could let you stay here. But what can you do for me? I see you made some pretty incredible things when you were alive.”
“I think I can make some improvements in exchange for somewhere to spend eternity, what do you think?”
“It’s a deal!” says Satan, and he lets the engineer in to Hell.
In just a few short eons the man builds all sorts of things. Elevators, escalators, water fountains, swimming pools, and even air conditioning are but a few of the luxuries he installs over time.
A little while later, God calls down to check up on damnation. “How are things going down there for you Lucifer?”
“Pretty good! We got this terrific engineer you sent us a while back and he’s done some amazing things since he’s been here. We’ve got all sorts of conveniences thanks to him. We’re even going to open a ski resort here in a couple weeks!”
“What!? That’s not fair! I want that engineer up here!”
“Too bad, you can’t have him.”
“If you don’t give me that engineer, I’ll sue!”
Satan laughs and says, “Oh yeah? Well where the Hell are you going to find a lawyer?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzkoj/one_day_a_talented_engineer_was_inspecting_some/
%
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot! :)
My baby girl came up with this and most of the laughter just comes from her ecstatic joy of saying it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzjiz/what_is_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
Yesterday I ran into the guy who once sold me an antique globe.

It’s a small world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzhnf/yesterday_i_ran_into_the_guy_who_once_sold_me_an/
%
Two wind turbines are standing in a field...

One turbine turns to the other and asks: "so, what sort of music are you into?"
The second turbine replies: "oh, I'm a huge metal fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzhfu/two_wind_turbines_are_standing_in_a_field/
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Marie Antoinette was surprised when she found out how she was being executed

Her Face dropped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzgsx/marie_antoinette_was_surprised_when_she_found_out/
%
A blonde calls her boyfriend and asks if he would come over and get her started on a jigsaw puzzle...

"What's it supposed to look like when it's done,"he asks
She replies,"according to the picture on the box,it's a rooster.
So the bf decides to go over and help.
He gets there and she takes him over to the table where all the pieces are spread out.
He looks at the pieces,then at the box,and turns to her and says,"First of all,no matter what we do,we cannot put these pieces together to make anything remotely resembling a rooster."
He then takes her by the hand,looks at the table and sighs,"Now then,let's gather up these cornflakes and put them back in the box!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzdvm/a_blonde_calls_her_boyfriend_and_asks_if_he_would/
%
How to fall down from the stairs

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 5
Step 7
Step 10
Step 14
Step 19
Step 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzc4u/how_to_fall_down_from_the_stairs/
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What do you call water that’s impossible to freeze?

Noticeable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czzay0/what_do_you_call_water_thats_impossible_to_freeze/
%
A man is talking to God...

“God, how long is a million years?”
God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is a million dollars?”
“To me, it’s a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
“Wait a minute.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czz3v4/a_man_is_talking_to_god/
%
A famous philosopher said, "At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want."

So I took a scalpel to my chest and found out I wanted the pain to stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czz3tt/a_famous_philosopher_said_at_the_center_of_your/
%
Why did Star Wars 4,5 and 6 come before 1,2 and 3?

Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czyyni/why_did_star_wars_45_and_6_come_before_12_and_3/
%
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czyxbr/two_thai_girls_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_sleep_with/
%
Two Belgians walk into a police precinct

and say:  "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."
Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"
Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"
Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"
Belgians: "Yeah, he has an extra penis."
Officer: "Are you sure?"
Belgians: "Yes, whenever we go to our favorite bar, the barman always says: "Look there is the Dutchman with the two dicks again.""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czyvdk/two_belgians_walk_into_a_police_precinct/
%
My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”
He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”
So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czyoup/my_boss_said_why_are_all_the_women_in_your_office/
%
A hot blonde girl walks up to a guy at the bar . . .

she says "Hey there gorgeous what are you drinking?"
He said"This? This is magic beer"
What do you mean magic beer?
Have a look at this - he takes a large gulp, walks up to a concrete wall and punches a hole in it
That's amazing said the girl, what else can it do?
So he finishes his beer, jumps out the window and flys around.
Amazing she says, Barman, I'll have what he's having!
She downs the pint in one, jumps out the window and plummets to her death.
& The Barman says "Superman, you're a real prick when youre drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czyo7m/a_hot_blonde_girl_walks_up_to_a_guy_at_the_bar/
%
A television network recently launched a new game show called “crack the joke”

In the show, the host will read jokes to the player, and the player must guess the punchline before the host reaches it. If the player successfully “crack the joke”, he can then choose to either take whatever he already won and leave, or proceed to the next joke. There are 10 jokes to be cracked for each player, and the grand prize is $30,000 for who cracks them all.
3 players were invited to the very first episode of the show. With a big round of applause came the first player, a fabulous looking elderly lady. The host asked her to introduce herself, so she did: “Hello everyone, my name is Lucy and I’m from Sydney. I’m 74 years old. I have a bunch of cheerful friends who loves telling each other jokes. I have heard quite a lot during my 60 years friendship with them, and that would help me with today’s challenge.” The host wished her luck and started reading.
Lucy certainly wasn’t unfamiliar with the jokes, but her age was dragging her down. She eventually failed to crack the 4th joke despite of it being “so familiar, I’ve definitely heard this one somewhere”. The host regretfully announced her defeat.
The second player was a sharp looking man with a business suit. He introduced himself without the host have to ask: “Morning lovely people. My name is Bob Jassen. I’m a car salesman. I like talking to my customers, and I use jokes as ice breakers. I collect jokes whenever I see them so I never run out of material.” The host wished him luck and started reading.
Bob has an excellent mind and knows many jokes. Without too much trouble he was already at his 6th joke. But he hadn’t heard this one before. He took a wild guess and got lucky. He decided to take the safer route, so he grabbed his $2,500 prize money and left.
And from the backstage came the last player of the night. He was an average looking man with t-shirt, jeans and a pair of glasses. He was sitting there, visibly nervous, when the host asked him to do the introduction. He said: “Hi, I’m u/jimraynor0. I’m a programmer.” The host had to ask: ”A programmer eh? And what makes you think you’re good at cracking jokes?” To which Jim replied: “I read r/jokes almost everyday.”
The host thought Jim was not very interesting. Without further conversation he started the game: “A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut...”
Jim interrupted him mid-sentence and answered correctly: ”And you’ll dialogue.”
The host confirmed that Jim wish to continue, then proceed to read the 2nd joke: “A couple went to a sex therapist’s clinic. The doctor asked: ‘what can I help you with?’ And the man asked: ‘can you watch us having sex?’”
And it was then Jim interrupted again: “you only charge $50 if we do it here, and we get $43 back from Medicare.” Once again he was correct.
The game continues. “A young kid goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asked: ‘Do you have any sales experience?’”
“Your weekend is ruined, you might as well go fishing.” Said Jim.
“A man got on a bus and sat next to a beautiful nun...”
“I’m the bus driver.”
“An 18 years old Italian girl...”
“You fuck her again.”
“Dave bragged...”
“Who’s the guy standing next to Dave at the balcony?”
Jim seemed unstoppable. As he cracked more jokes he picked up confidence as well, answering even before the host can finish the first sentence. Not long had passed before he got to his last joke. The host looked at his hand, there’s only one joke card left. It was a pun, and it seems quite obvious. “Well, nothing can stop him now.” The host thought to himself, and proceed to read the joke: “Have you heard that the police stormed a touring circus and found the secret stash of their scamming magician?”
He was expected to be interrupted again, but no. This time Jim just sat in silence, with a face of agony and frustration. The host, still in total disbelief, finished the joke: “It was intense.” And with that he claimed Jim failed to crack the joke and earned nothing.
Before Jim could go, the host asked him: “How did you missed the last joke? It wasn’t even a clever pun.” With a defeated look on his face, Jim said: “You see, your joke is a regional con tent. That’s sth I never see on r/jokes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czy2ly/a_television_network_recently_launched_a_new_game/
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What do you get when Black Panther brings Jewish bread to Thor's party?

T'Challa challah at the Valhalla gala.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czxtfe/what_do_you_get_when_black_panther_brings_jewish/
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What comes after death ?

A necrophiliac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czxpb1/what_comes_after_death/
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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance.'
'Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still confused.'
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. 'For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.'
God continued pointing to different countries. 'This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, 'What's that one?'
'That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software.'
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, 'But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.'
God smiled, 'There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czxmff/god_was_missing_for_six_days_eventually_michael/
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What kind of dinosaur loves to take a shit?

A Craptor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czxktr/what_kind_of_dinosaur_loves_to_take_a_shit/
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A very energetic old woman is approached by a middle aged man.

The middle aged man says “Ma’am, pardon me, You look so fit for a woman at this age. I’m amazed! Do you mind if you share the secret?”
The woman replied, “Oh sure, nothing special” “I’m just living the life like most people here.. I’m a night person so I rarely sleep at night.. I smoke 3 packs daily... Switching water for whiskey and I’m only eat junk foods. ”
The man, confused, asked her again “I didn’t expect that lifestyle could benefits you positively” “how old are you?”
“24”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czxj28/a_very_energetic_old_woman_is_approached_by_a/
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Mountains aren’t just funny

They’re hill areas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czxiv4/mountains_arent_just_funny/
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If having sex for money makes you a hoe...

If having sex for money makes you a hoe, does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganization?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czxijc/if_having_sex_for_money_makes_you_a_hoe/
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A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender

The duck asks the bartender "got any grapes?" Bartender replies "no, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes. Now get outta here." The duck leaves.
The next day the duck returns to the bar, walks up to the bartender and again asks, "got any grapes?" Bartender replies "no, I told you yesterday we ain't got no grapes. Now get out of here and if you come back again I'm going to nail your feet to the wall!" The duck leaves.
The next day, yet again the duck returns. The duck walks up to the bartender and says "got any nails?" The bartender replies, "this is a bar, why would I have any nails?" The duck replies "got any grapes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czxgqj/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar_and_goes_up_to_the/
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Trees are clever

Tree: Holy shit I need to plant my seeds but i cant move because im a tree.
*Thinks
Tree: Hey, monkey face.
Monkey: What?
Tree: Taste my balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czxbzn/trees_are_clever/
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Misunderstood

An old joke ..hope you guys enjoy it..
A really hot, young lady was sitting on a park bench and sucking on a popsicle cooling off the summer heat. A young man sitting next to her is staring in amazement at the young woman sucking on the popsicle. Getting annoyed at the young man's  gaze, the woman asked him what he was staring at. He just said..'i dont want to ask because i doubt you will misunderstand.'
She just ignored him but he continued to gaze at her licking the popsicle. Getting irritated, she asked him again and said she wont misunderstand .
To which he replied ' I really hope you dont misunderstand , but can i have a lick?
She looked at him for a few secs and extended the popsicle and said .here you go..
to which he replied..' i told you that you would misunderstand!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czx8a0/misunderstood/
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I bought an L shaped sofa.

Lowercase l

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czx75n/i_bought_an_l_shaped_sofa/
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What did both the Christian and the Atheist say to God?

You're Unbelievable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czwv67/what_did_both_the_christian_and_the_atheist_say/
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She told me if I turned the light off I could put it in her butt.

I guess I should've let the bulb cool first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czwuhr/she_told_me_if_i_turned_the_light_off_i_could_put/
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3 million have a chance of becoming a human being

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czwtwi/what_do_lawyers_and_sperm_have_in_common/
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An older man was getting sicker and sicker as time went by...

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.
After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.
One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week
One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and crushes him.
Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.
When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,
It was that damn coffin that killed him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czwpwl/an_older_man_was_getting_sicker_and_sicker_as/
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czwn5t/how_many_lawyers_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Proper procedural Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Pathan couple decided that enough is enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "Masha'Allah!, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem..."
"Trust me, it will do the job," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count with his fingers: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
Note :
This procedure has not been approved by the Health Department of Pakistan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czwmtj/proper_procedural_vasectomy/
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I have no idea what’s going on with Brexit....

...which is something I have in common with Britain’s government.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czwlbb/i_have_no_idea_whats_going_on_with_brexit/
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A new species of whale has been discovered near Japan

(don’t tell them about it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czwk62/a_new_species_of_whale_has_been_discovered_near/
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If having sex for money makes you a whore...

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czw5vq/if_having_sex_for_money_makes_you_a_whore/
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Positive Attitude

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.
He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms,
a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.
He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble a reply,
"Then can I feel your tits?"
.....and that, my friend, is A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czw0ih/positive_attitude/
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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Saturday, Sunday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czvvci/denial_anger_bargaining_depression_acceptance/
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I think the guys in the shift before me hate me.

They leave every time I come to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czvoeh/i_think_the_guys_in_the_shift_before_me_hate_me/
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The ceiling might not be my favourite part of the room...

...but it’s up there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czvocx/the_ceiling_might_not_be_my_favourite_part_of_the/
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How did you cut a hill billys dick off

Kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czvaag/how_did_you_cut_a_hill_billys_dick_off/
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How can you tell whether an ant is a boy or girl?

Put the ant in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats, buoyant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czv2ah/how_can_you_tell_whether_an_ant_is_a_boy_or_girl/
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Here’s a joke my 3 year old loves to tell

Why did the lizard cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czv1rh/heres_a_joke_my_3_year_old_loves_to_tell/
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An Elephant asks the Camel why it has it's boobs on its back....

The Camel replies annoyed.... What a stupid question coming from someone with their dick on their face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czv0oa/an_elephant_asks_the_camel_why_it_has_its_boobs/
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I once had sex with a blind girl. She said I had the biggest penis she had ever layed her hands on.

She must have been pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czuw5y/i_once_had_sex_with_a_blind_girl_she_said_i_had/
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Racism is a lot like Nickelback...

Its fun to joke about, but you never want to see it in person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czuw16/racism_is_a_lot_like_nickelback/
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Santa walks into a bar.

He asks the barman, "How tall is a penguin?"
The barman says about three feet.
Santa, "Don't you get any penguins taller than that!"
The barman says, "Maybe maximum four feet but no taller than that."
Santa, "Oh shit, in that case, I just drove over a nun!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czusu2/santa_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two college girls are moving into their dorm

One girl is from Georgia and one is from Connecticut and she is with her mother.
The girl from Georgia walks up and says, “hey, where y’all from?”
Connecticut girl: “Where we’re from, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition,” she laughs.
The girl from Georgia responds: “Oh excuse me; where y’all from, bitch?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czusnd/two_college_girls_are_moving_into_their_dorm/
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A guy was driving his truck and ran it into a woman and killed her ... whose fault was it?

Obviously the man's, he shouldn't have been driving in someone's kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czupm6/a_guy_was_driving_his_truck_and_ran_it_into_a/
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What does a dolphin's butler do?

Serves a porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czuphf/what_does_a_dolphins_butler_do/
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I just realized the other day that I'm gay.

It's finally Crystal queer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czujgc/i_just_realized_the_other_day_that_im_gay/
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What is another name for your prostate exam?

Anal-aysis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czufr0/what_is_another_name_for_your_prostate_exam/
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I don't understand why people are so upset about priests molesting children.

It's only a minor problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czudoh/i_dont_understand_why_people_are_so_upset_about/
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My 8 year old daughter today told me this gem!

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A Walkie-Talkie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czubz2/my_8_year_old_daughter_today_told_me_this_gem/
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Wife's joke: "Next year will be good for people that wear glasses,"

"because it will be the first time they see 2020."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czu6bo/wifes_joke_next_year_will_be_good_for_people_that/
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It's 4:58PM and there's a good chance the receptionist at work wants to have sex with me

Either way I'm getting off in 2 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czu4bh/its_458pm_and_theres_a_good_chance_the/
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My niece’s joke...

First she told us the old, “why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he was feeling crumby”
Being encouraged by the pity laugh from everyone, she made up this little gem:
Why did the unicorn go to the hospital? Because he was feeling horny!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czu2ab/my_nieces_joke/
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What do you call the bad part of an Italian town?

The spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czu07n/what_do_you_call_the_bad_part_of_an_italian_town/
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George wanted to last longer during sex

So he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Suddenly, George had a flash of inspiration, and he realized what he should do.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck’s undercarriage.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
Thinking that the car’s undercarriage was a bit of a turn-off, he firmly closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”
He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”
The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”
Then he heard the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”
_________________________________________________
I saw this a year ago on the internet but haven’t seen it here yet and it made me laugh hard so I kept it in my notes. Hoping it does the same to everyone else :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cztzpb/george_wanted_to_last_longer_during_sex/
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What does a Dutchman do when he's cold?

He sits by the heater.
What does he do when he's very cold?
He turns the heater on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cztqo5/what_does_a_dutchman_do_when_hes_cold/
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Little Johnny tells a story.

So little Johnny was in class at school and the teacher asks the class to tell her a story with a moral to it.
Little Suzie stands up and says "miss I know one, what do elephants use as tampons?"
Teacher says "I don't know". Little Suzie replies "sheep".
The teacher then asks but what's the moral to the story. Little Suzie stands up and says "beware of red wooly jumpers"
Teacher says that okay but she wants a real story.
So little Johnny stands up and says "miss, miss I got one".
"My grandfather was in the war and he ended up surrounded and all he had was a gun with one bullet, a knife and a bottle of whiskey", teacher says "what happened"
Little Johnny replies " well he shot the first bastard and slayed all the rest with his knife".
Teacher shocked says "that's amazing, but what's the moral to your story".
Little Johnny stands up and again looks the teacher in the eyes and says "Don't fuck with my grandfather when he's drunk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cztok2/little_johnny_tells_a_story/
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My lesbian sister and her girlfriend got me a personal clock for my birthday..

I guess they didn’t know what I meant when I said I wanna watch...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cztnlv/my_lesbian_sister_and_her_girlfriend_got_me_a/
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Was walking in front of my 4 year old daughter today who got me with this doozy today.

Daughter: Kock Kock!
Me: Who’s There?
Daughter: Impatient Cow!
Me: impatient Cow Who?
Daughter: MoOoooOoOOVE IT!
Me: **Proud moment**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cztjeo/was_walking_in_front_of_my_4_year_old_daughter/
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what do you call a group men that chose to become women

X-men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cztd5w/what_do_you_call_a_group_men_that_chose_to_become/
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So this Eskimo’s snowmobile breaks down.

He goes to a shop and has the mechanic look at it. Well this Eskimo goes outside to get a drink from the stream. He comes back in and the engineer looks at him, and say says “well it looks like you blew a seal” and to which the Eskimo replies “huh? Oh no I just drank water. It’s just ice on my beard”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cztb7l/so_this_eskimos_snowmobile_breaks_down/
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All the good stuff is gone

A bartender was closing the bar down for the night when he hears a knock on the back door. He opens the door to a homeless man and asks "How can I help you?"  The homeless man asks the bartender if he can have a toothpick. The bartender looks perplexed and says sure. So he gives him a toothpick. The bartender closes the door and goes back to cleaning  the bar.
A few minutes later, he hears another knock on the door. He again opens the door to see another homeless guy. "Can I help you?" "Yes sir, I was wondering if I could trouble you for a toothpick?" The bartender again gives the homeless guy a toothpick. And again, resumes cleaning the bar.
A few minutes later the same exact thing with another homeless guy.  And again the bartender gives the man a toothpick.
The bartender hears another knock on the door.....he opens the door to see yet another homeless guy standing there. "Let me guess, you need a toothpick? " "Oh no sir, is there anyway I could have a straw?" "I'll give you a straw, if you tell me what's going on!?" "There were 3 other guys before you asking for toothpicks, and now you want a straw!?"
"Well you see, a drunk girl puked around the corner and all the good stuff is gone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cztase/all_the_good_stuff_is_gone/
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What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czt2ie/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
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You should never date a Tennis player

Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czsyi8/you_should_never_date_a_tennis_player/
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What do you make with Deathly Masrhmallows?

S'morecruxes. (credit my 8yo)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czswq4/what_do_you_make_with_deathly_masrhmallows/
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How did the Mexican girl get pregnant?

Her teacher told her to do an essay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czsvzy/how_did_the_mexican_girl_get_pregnant/
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What's a pickle's favorite game show?

Dill or No Dill,
hosted by Howie Mandill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czstc3/whats_a_pickles_favorite_game_show/
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I just opened my own kosher hot dog stand in my neighborhood but business is suffering even though I've been told it's to die for.

So please support your local businesses and come on down to Anne's Franks.  You won't regret it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czst19/i_just_opened_my_own_kosher_hot_dog_stand_in_my/
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I was shocked when I came home and saw that the curtains were drawn.

Luckily the rest of the furniture was real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czspiz/i_was_shocked_when_i_came_home_and_saw_that_the/
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If I die and come back as a hillbilly

Is that reintarnation?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czsp7d/if_i_die_and_come_back_as_a_hillbilly/
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Over 500 children have had their last request granted by John Cena for the Make-a-Wish foundation. That’s because anytime a child ask to see John Cena all they have to say is,

“You Can’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czscys/over_500_children_have_had_their_last_request/
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Who’s got 2 thumbs and a lisp?

Thith guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czs7ct/whos_got_2_thumbs_and_a_lisp/
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What do you made pickle bread out of?

Dill dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czs5vk/what_do_you_made_pickle_bread_out_of/
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My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt
He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czrwp0/my_5yo_asked_me_to_tell_you_guys_this_joke_im_so/
%
What’s the difference between me and God?

My parents actually believe in God

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czrmdm/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_god/
%
Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants.

When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czrm8m/dont_flatter_yourself_by_thinking_im_trying_to/
%
People worry about their "summer body"

but I've been working on my "winter weight" for years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czrlu7/people_worry_about_their_summer_body/
%
I went to a curry house and ordered the pelican curry

It was really nice but the bill was massive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czrkqe/i_went_to_a_curry_house_and_ordered_the_pelican/
%
I consider myself cosmopolitan

That is, I’m full of vodka and cranberry juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czre33/i_consider_myself_cosmopolitan/
%
A little known fact...

Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czr9px/a_little_known_fact/
%
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?"

The horse replies "no I don't think I am" and vanishes out of existence.
See the joke is about Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at the beginning of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czr8re/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_pint_the/
%
A Japanese man walks into a bar and claims he is actually very irish.

Bartender says, "oh! My daughter loves your music!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czr7lz/a_japanese_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_claims_he_is/
%
What’s the best tool in the Mexican Magician’s arsenal?

His Magic Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czqzll/whats_the_best_tool_in_the_mexican_magicians/
%
A guitarist goes to a bar

He orders a gin and tonic
then pulls out his guitar and starts playing.
The bartender asks, "diet tonic?"
To which the guitarist replies:
"No, Pentatonic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czqy1z/a_guitarist_goes_to_a_bar/
%
Yesterday, a homeless man approached me while I was checking the mail...

He said, "Sir, I hate to bother you, but I haven't eaten in nearly two days. Is there any way you can find it in your heart to give me a dollar or two?" I told him that I only had large bills. He said, "Hell, I'll take one of those!" So I looked through what I had in my hand, and I gave him my electric bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czqpr9/yesterday_a_homeless_man_approached_me_while_i/
%
What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czqone/what_do_you_get_when_a_topless_blonde_rubs/
%
Today I went to the fertility clinic for a test...

...I asked the doctor, "How did I perform on the test?"
He said, "It was a stroke of genius!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czqm2o/today_i_went_to_the_fertility_clinic_for_a_test/
%
What happens when you see two horses kissing?

You get a "stable" relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czqlaj/what_happens_when_you_see_two_horses_kissing/
%
A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving

to make the most of his time left. He goes up in a plane, jumps out, pulls the rip cord, and nothing happens. He pulls the rip cord on the backup parachute, and nothing happens. He says, "Good thing the doctor told me I had six months to live, otherwise I'd be getting nervous right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czq8xv/a_man_is_diagnosed_with_cancer_so_he_decides_to/
%
What do you get if you cross a financial adviser with a Richard Curtis movie?

Love Actuary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czq3jx/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_financial_adviser/
%
What do you call an adorable sex-worker?

Prosticute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czq2uf/what_do_you_call_an_adorable_sexworker/
%
woman pregnant with triplets is shot in the belly 3 times after robbery

she has a healthy pregnancy with no complications and gives birth to 2 girls and a boy. 15 years passes and one of the daughters runs to the mother crying saying that she was peeing and a bullet came. The mother finds this mildly amusing and begins to tell the story that took place 15 years ago. A coupple months passes and the second daughter runs to the mother with tears in her eyes and says "mommy mommy.  I was peeing and a bullet came out" the mother then proceeds to tell her what happened 15 years ago to clear up the confusion.  After this a couple months passed and while the mother was making breakfast her son tried to walk passed her to makes sure he isnt seen. The mother stops the son she can clearly see he's distraught and his face was filled with shame. To the mother it was obvious. She says "let me guess you were peeing a bullet came out" the boy responds "no I jacking off and I shot the dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czpy75/woman_pregnant_with_triplets_is_shot_in_the_belly/
%
A rabbit walks into a pub...

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czpy2m/a_rabbit_walks_into_a_pub/
%
Yeast judge:

All rise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czpw2o/yeast_judge/
%
Anal bleaching would be a lot more popular

If they just called it changing your ringtone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czpsbz/anal_bleaching_would_be_a_lot_more_popular/
%
What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne waits until your twelve before it comes on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czpp8l/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_priest/
%
Knock knock, who's there?

...
...
...
...
Internet explorer
Internet explorer who?
...
...
...
Internet explorer has stopped working. Windows is looking for a solution to the problem...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czpmf5/knock_knock_whos_there/
%
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?

Because you can’t C in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czpkca/why_is_dark_spelt_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
%
I hate it when my girlfriend constantly cheats

It’s the only way the stupid bitch can beat me at Mario Kart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czpjyy/i_hate_it_when_my_girlfriend_constantly_cheats/
%
Did you hear about the two stoners who merged their companies?

It was a joint venture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czpbm1/did_you_hear_about_the_two_stoners_who_merged/
%
What do you call a person with no body and no nose?

>!Nobody knows!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czoy5n/what_do_you_call_a_person_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
%
A young nun is home alone in the convent.

She decides to take a shower. When she is done, she towels off. But, before she can put on her habit, she hears a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" she asks timidly.
"Blind man!" comes the reply.
She thinks to herself that since it is a blind man, no harm can come if she answers the door wearing only what God gave her, so off she goes and opens the door.
"Nice tits, sister. Where are the blinds you want cleaned?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czortg/a_young_nun_is_home_alone_in_the_convent/
%
How do you tell an oral thermometer from a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czoldi/how_do_you_tell_an_oral_thermometer_from_a_rectal/
%
I used to hitchhike at the side of the road, but it never got me anywhere in life. So I started hitchhiking in the middle of the road.

Which got me a free bed for a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czokva/i_used_to_hitchhike_at_the_side_of_the_road_but/
%
A rabbi enters a confessional and tells the priest “I had sex with two 19 year old girls”

The priest says “You’re not Catholic, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czojg6/a_rabbi_enters_a_confessional_and_tells_the/
%
What should you do when a musician comes to your door?

Pay him and take your pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czoa6e/what_should_you_do_when_a_musician_comes_to_your/
%
What's the difference between Hong Kong Protestors and Redditors?

Protestors do not tolerate censorship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czo7ww/whats_the_difference_between_hong_kong_protestors/
%
My wife said she wanted to spice things up in the bedroom

You should’ve seen the look on her face when I started rubbing in the ground chili peppers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cznom6/my_wife_said_she_wanted_to_spice_things_up_in_the/
%
Bernie Sanders walks into a bar and yells:

Free drinks for everyone!
Now who's buying?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cznkdc/bernie_sanders_walks_into_a_bar_and_yells/
%
My husband says I treat him like he’s a god

every meal is a burnt offering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cznblc/my_husband_says_i_treat_him_like_hes_a_god/
%
An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink.

The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him "What brings you to Canada?"
The Irishman says "Well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czn88j/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar_in_toronto_and/
%
It dawned on me in the shower that my ex gf must be related to hurricane Dorian. You've been waiting for them to come but they just keep gyrating until they exhaust themselves.

The worst though is when you see the video of them ravaging and gushing all over their previous fling, leaving you feeling completely inadequate and devastated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czn7nl/it_dawned_on_me_in_the_shower_that_my_ex_gf_must/
%
A man is washing his car with his son. The son says “dad..

can we use the sponge now”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czn68z/a_man_is_washing_his_car_with_his_son_the_son/
%
(offensive) What’s the difference between a feminist and a knife?

The knife has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czn2jb/offensive_whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist/
%
A Joke from Hong Kong

Recently the Hong Kong Government has announced that all police will have to travel in groups of three:
One cop knows how to read,
The second knows how to write
And the third is to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czmqoy/a_joke_from_hong_kong/
%
What's yellow and doesn't swim?

A school bus filled with kids?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czmbw4/whats_yellow_and_doesnt_swim/
%
My obese parrot died

It was a real weight off of my shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czm6ff/my_obese_parrot_died/
%
What does someone who ate 4 mangoes say?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is mango number 5!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czm12m/what_does_someone_who_ate_4_mangoes_say/
%
A moss covered rock finds out he needs to wake up at 4AM for his new job

"Wow, that's a bit early for my lichen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czlxkc/a_moss_covered_rock_finds_out_he_needs_to_wake_up/
%
I was with a blind hooker last night

She said i was the biggest she'd ever had, i said
'you'r pullin my leg'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czlwhn/i_was_with_a_blind_hooker_last_night/
%
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

I feel like this is the end of my Korea. I am still China find a job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czllcc/my_boss_fired_me_for_making_too_many_asian_jokes/
%
Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat-- all die and go to heaven...

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.
God turns to the golden retriever and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles? What do you believe in?"
The golden retriever says "I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love. I have been a cherished part of my owners family for many years."
God smiles. "Truly, you have a pure and loving heart. You shall sit at my right hand." He then turns to the parakeet. "What do you believe in?"
"I believe in color, flamboyance, and music," the parakeet says. "For many years I have displayed my beautiful feathers and filled my owners house with song."
"Your beauty is truly magnificent," God says. "And your song shall echo through the universe. You shall sit at my left."
God finally turns to the house cat. "And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?"
The cat lazily surveys God's throne and says, "I believe you are sitting in my seat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czlcqp/three_house_pets_a_golden_retriever_a_parakeet/
%
I was addicted to masturbating.

As I got older, I got addicted to sex.   My therapist says, my addiction got out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czl2iw/i_was_addicted_to_masturbating/
%
A majority of English speakers do not know the opposites of these words

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czkxkc/a_majority_of_english_speakers_do_not_know_the/
%
What comes after death?

A necrophiliac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czkulo/what_comes_after_death/
%
What do you get if you cross a dog and a T-rex?

A very frightened mailman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czkq8t/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_dog_and_a_trex/
%
I have six kids...

I have six kids, but my pullout game is still stronger than Brexit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czkppw/i_have_six_kids/
%
What does an anti vaxxer child say at a school shooting?

"No shots for me, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czkpls/what_does_an_anti_vaxxer_child_say_at_a_school/
%
Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czkm8y/why_did_the_dyslexic_wizard_get_kicked_out_of/
%
A doctor walks into a bank full of anivaxxers

The doctor walks in with a syringe in hand and says:
"Gimme all the money and nobody gets shot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czkl9g/a_doctor_walks_into_a_bank_full_of_anivaxxers/
%
Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czkhhs/call_a_girl_beautiful_1000_times_and_she_wont/
%
What kind of socks do bears wear?

They don’t, they go bear foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czk64z/what_kind_of_socks_do_bears_wear/
%
An Englishman is delivering four monkeys to Dublin zoo when his van breaks down

Stopped at the side of the road he sees Paddy in an empty van behind him so he flags him down.
“Alright mate, I’m in a spot of bother here, If I give you fifty quid will you bring these monkeys down to the zoo for me?” says the Englishman
“No bother at all, load them up” says Paddy and off he went.
Two hours later the Englishman was still waiting for roadside assistance and who does he see coming towards him only Paddy and the van full of monkeys.
He flagged him down and said “Fuck sake Paddy I gave you fifty quid to bring them to the zoo!”
“I did” said paddy “but I’ve a few quid left over so we’re going to the cinema now!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czk1pc/an_englishman_is_delivering_four_monkeys_to/
%
What is the best way to enjoy a hot dog?

Relish it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czjx5p/what_is_the_best_way_to_enjoy_a_hot_dog/
%
I still remember my grandfathers last words to me

He died right infront of me, the words still ring in my mind "STOP SHAKING THE GODDAMN LADDER!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czjvw1/i_still_remember_my_grandfathers_last_words_to_me/
%
I wanted to tell you a time travelling joke

but you didn’t like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czjuvl/i_wanted_to_tell_you_a_time_travelling_joke/
%
What happens if you’re caught peeing in public?

You’ll be arrested for violating the penal code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czjuaj/what_happens_if_youre_caught_peeing_in_public/
%
What did King Midas say to the young centaur?

Stay gold, ponyboy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czju5v/what_did_king_midas_say_to_the_young_centaur/
%
When I die, I want my remains scattered around Disneyland

Also, I don't want to be cremated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czjrhc/when_i_die_i_want_my_remains_scattered_around/
%
Hey Frend, did you here the joke about the ocean?

Nevermind, its too *deep* for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czjg5i/hey_frend_did_you_here_the_joke_about_the_ocean/
%
At the school petting zoo, the animals all give different things.

The sheep’s give wool to make blankets,
The pigs give therapy for the disabled kids,
And the fat cow gives out homework.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czjex4/at_the_school_petting_zoo_the_animals_all_give/
%
What did the physicist say as a man jumped off a 50 story building?

So much wasted potential

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czjbu2/what_did_the_physicist_say_as_a_man_jumped_off_a/
%
A frog goes into a bank...

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She
holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" ?
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czj6tm/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
%
I’m a proud parent of 3 Unvaccinated kids



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czj66u/im_a_proud_parent_of_3_unvaccinated_kids/
%
Bonjour!

My son started smoking because his French exchange student told him to...
He gave in to Pierre pressure...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czj5jg/bonjour/
%
I saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM

Confused, I said "excuse me sir, what are you doing?"
The man replied "I'm just checking my balance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czj1l1/i_saw_a_man_standing_on_one_leg_at_an_atm/
%
The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're flying on Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called Teste....."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive. But it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the whole city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced.
So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're sure going to need it."
A month later, the woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was absolutely wonderful," explained the woman, "not only did we arrive on time in one of Continental's brand new jets, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel -- it was fabulous! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where did you get that horrible haircut?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czj0hs/the_hairdresser/
%
#Breaking news

A clown recently had to retire earlier this week.
#
After sustaining an injury, the clown was found to have broken his funny bone.
#
Looks like he got the last laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czirj4/breaking_news/
%
What sound does an organic train make?

CH3COOH CH3COOH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czinc0/what_sound_does_an_organic_train_make/
%
I started a revolution once.

But I got dizzy, so i stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czims5/i_started_a_revolution_once/
%
I Always Eat Double the meat than the Usual

to ensure that the one vegan out there who thinks is making a difference isn't making one at all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czii16/i_always_eat_double_the_meat_than_the_usual/
%
Got any grapes?

A duck walks into a bar, waddles over to the bartender and asks, “You got any grapes?” The bartender says “No,” and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck goes back into the same bar, waddles over to the bartender and asks again, “You got any grapes?” The bartender, looking a little irritated, says, “No, I don’t have any grapes.”
The next day, once more the duck goes into the same bar. “You got any grapes?” The bartender angrily yells at the duck, “I do not have any grapes!!”
The next day, the duck walks back in to the bar again. “You got any grapes?” The bartender slams his fist down on the bar and says, “If you come in here and ask me for grapes one more time, I will nail your foot to this bar!!”
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks, “You got any nails?” Surprised, the bartender says, “No, I don’t.” So the duck says, “You got any grapes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czif58/got_any_grapes/
%
My body is a temple

Old, falling apart and probably haunted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czidwy/my_body_is_a_temple/
%
My neighbors are anti-vax

and all summer I heard their kids playing in their pool:
"Marco!"
"Polio!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czidez/my_neighbors_are_antivax/
%
A man walks into a restaurant with a rooster under his arm.

A limousine stops before a restaurant and a well dressed man steps out, with a rooster under his arm.
After he's shown to a private table, he puts the rooster on the table and orders every item on the menu.
Flabbergasted, the waiter asks: "Excuse me sir, but are you sure you want all this, it's quite a bit of food."
Unfazed, the man replies:
"No, no, this is for the bird. For me, just bring me a glass of water and a salad."
At that point the waiter goes "the customer is always right" and starts bringing the mountain of food.
True enough, the rooster starts eating.. and eating.. and eating, slowly making his way trough all that food.
The waiter can no longer contain his curiosity and asks the man what the deal is with that rooster.
The man smiles and answers:
"Well, you see.. a few years ago I was in Egypt and found an old rusted oil lamp. I rub it and lo and behold, a genie jumps out and says I get three wishes."
"So my first wish was: I want so much money, that I must throw it away, because I don't know where to put it. And I got it."
"My second wish was: I want so many women, that I must kick them for them to leave them alone. And, heh, I'm well covered in that department."
The man then sighs and is lost in thought for a while, so the waiter prods him on:
"And the third wish?"
A bit  reluctantly, the man continues:
"There we had a bit of a miscommunication, I'm afraid. You see, I asked for an insatiable cock..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czid2b/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_with_a_rooster/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.
Why did she want to go to the other side?
To go to the pub.
Why did she want to go to the pub?
To go to the toilet.
Why did she want to go to the toilet?
BECAUSE THATS WHERE THE COCKS HANG OUT !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czhykq/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czhvve/mormon_was_seated_next_to_an_irishman_on_a_flight/
%
Why was the angry golfer so upset to be charged with assault?

They claimed he hit the victim 6 times, not 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czhu7p/why_was_the_angry_golfer_so_upset_to_be_charged/
%
The music teacher was arrested yesterday

She fingered A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czhtkk/the_music_teacher_was_arrested_yesterday/
%
An electron walked into a bar

Actually it might have been a club. I'm uncertain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czhsl8/an_electron_walked_into_a_bar/
%
The taxi drivers in my town are kinda loopy and a little stupid.

I mean they always recommend I take an Uber next time!? They're always forgetting basic skills like the English alphabet so I have to spell it out for 'em, I've had to show them how to use their inhalers several times and without fail they're always asking if I know why they pulled me over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czhpk1/the_taxi_drivers_in_my_town_are_kinda_loopy_and_a/
%
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czhmqh/my_sister_asked_for_me_to_bring_her_something/
%
Scientists- Only a tiny percentage of universe is observable, the rest is beyond our reach.

Women after Breakup - I've seen it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czhjv6/scientists_only_a_tiny_percentage_of_universe_is/
%
One way streets are really poorly designed.

I mean yes they have clearly marked "one way" signs but every sign I've ever seen has been backwards and no one seems to read it anyway I always have oncoming traffic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czhi9s/one_way_streets_are_really_poorly_designed/
%
I pointed my gun at the sky and asked my girl to make a wish?

Coz I was shooting star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czhg06/i_pointed_my_gun_at_the_sky_and_asked_my_girl_to/
%
What do you call a rocket which eats other rockets?

A cannibalistic missile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czh8pt/what_do_you_call_a_rocket_which_eats_other_rockets/
%
What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czh807/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
I haven't seen a Chuck Norris joke in a long while so I created one...

Chuck Norris can decide which sound a music instrument makes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czh6ke/i_havent_seen_a_chuck_norris_joke_in_a_long_while/
%
I heard that Justin Timberlake will be doing one of the voices in the new dark crystal series

He’s bringing skeksis back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czh3j3/i_heard_that_justin_timberlake_will_be_doing_one/
%
Me: Please just be a fart, Please just be a fart...

Also Me: Oh Shit !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czh2qm/me_please_just_be_a_fart_please_just_be_a_fart/
%
Did you hear about that morbidly obese couple that just started dating?

They have a tonne in common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czgxsf/did_you_hear_about_that_morbidly_obese_couple/
%
Did you hear about the farmer?

Apparently he was tending to his sheep, but something must’ve spooked them as they started stampeding.
Poor farmer died of a herd attack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czgv2x/did_you_hear_about_the_farmer/
%
There was a young man from Lahore

Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czgmgv/there_was_a_young_man_from_lahore/
%
A couple is having a baby soon.

The husband says, "Let's name him Pete!", after hearing the results show that it's a boy.
But the wife says, "Honey, I'm having twins."
"Well then the second one is called RePete."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czghjj/a_couple_is_having_a_baby_soon/
%
When you have to pee but there isn't a bathroom nearby,

urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czggyl/when_you_have_to_pee_but_there_isnt_a_bathroom/
%
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

*LET'S RIDE BIKES!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czgfba/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Patient: “Doctor, I’m extremely constipated! I can’t poop!!”

Doctor:  “No shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czgdw9/patient_doctor_im_extremely_constipated_i_cant/
%
How do Chinese people greet you in Texas?

Ni Howdy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czgbdj/how_do_chinese_people_greet_you_in_texas/
%
I am so incredibly slow at putting up decorations

you could say I am ornamentally retarded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czg5i5/i_am_so_incredibly_slow_at_putting_up_decorations/
%
My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czfz1g/my_friend_gets_really_upset_when_i_call_him_a/
%
After my friend poured ketchup in his eyes for a dare he exclaimed, “This was a terrible idea.”

Heinz sight is 20/20

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czfxkb/after_my_friend_poured_ketchup_in_his_eyes_for_a/
%
My friend and his girlfriend loved sexting, so I bought him a gift so they could always stay in contact.

In hindsight her funeral probably wasn’t the best time to give him the Ouija Board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czfwlr/my_friend_and_his_girlfriend_loved_sexting_so_i/
%
All in a nights work

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czfuqi/all_in_a_nights_work/
%
Knock knock joke

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czfjj5/knock_knock_joke/
%
So this amputee girl I met on Tinder invited me to a party with her other amputee girlfriends.

The place was crawling with pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czfbi5/so_this_amputee_girl_i_met_on_tinder_invited_me/
%
What do the mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czfa63/what_do_the_mafia_and_a_pussy_have_in_common/
%
Interesting fact about the Canary Islands, they don't have any canaries on them. The same is actually true about the Virgin Islands,

They don't have any canaries on the either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czf50l/interesting_fact_about_the_canary_islands_they/
%
I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman!

It's very rewarding but quite challenging...
It took me a while to get her husbands voice right!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czf32z/ive_just_started_a_sexual_relationship_with_a/
%
Friend: “Hey can I have that informational pamphlet?”

Me: “Yeah bro sure”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czf01j/friend_hey_can_i_have_that_informational_pamphlet/
%
The day the Penis asked for a raise...

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
**The Response:**
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czeih7/the_day_the_penis_asked_for_a_raise/
%
I was eating a hotdog the other day and when I took a bite ketchup squirted in my eye.

Now I have heinzsight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czegi7/i_was_eating_a_hotdog_the_other_day_and_when_i/
%
What's the opposite of Near Q?

Far Q.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czec7m/whats_the_opposite_of_near_q/
%
I wasn't doing very well at the r/jokes fencing academy.

But people starting to notice me when I learned how effective riposting was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czebtw/i_wasnt_doing_very_well_at_the_rjokes_fencing/
%
A knight and his footmen were holding a castle during a war.

One of the footmen guarding the gatehousse begins calling.
"SIRE, WE SEE A BATTALION IN THE DISTANCE"
The knight orders the men to defensive positions and rushes up the wall where the footman points at the indistinct and distant mass of men.
"What do you think? Friends or foe?" the knight asks.
"I think they're friends sire" answers the footman.
"See any banners to think that?" the knight asks
"No but they wouldnt be huddling together if they hated each other".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cze7je/a_knight_and_his_footmen_were_holding_a_castle/
%
The roof is not my son...

But I will still raise it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cze6og/the_roof_is_not_my_son/
%
There are eleven types of people in the world

People who understand roman numerals and those that don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cze4sd/there_are_eleven_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
I hate grammar.

It doesn't make sentence to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cze47x/i_hate_grammar/
%
What did the Buffalo say when his son left for college?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czdt7g/what_did_the_buffalo_say_when_his_son_left_for/
%
How much would Greenland pay to buy America?

Nothing. It's a free country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czdpix/how_much_would_greenland_pay_to_buy_america/
%
NSFW A penguin is driving in the desert...

...when steam and smoke start pouring out from under the hood of his car. The car has just enough life in it to roll into the service station in the next town.
The repairman says it will take a while to figure out what's wrong, so the penguin goes for a walk around town. The sun is beating down, so he's delighted to find an ice cream stand. He gets a vanilla ice cream cone, which quickly melts and drips all over the penguin's face and flippers.
When the penguin gets back to the service station, the repairman walks out of the garage and says, "Welp, looks like you blew a seal."
"Oh, hehe, no," says the penguin, "it's just ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czdnbz/nsfw_a_penguin_is_driving_in_the_desert/
%
How To Use Stairs;

Step 1.
Step 2.
Step 3.
Step 4.
Step 5.
Step 6.
Step 7.
Step 8.
Step 9.
Step 10.
Step 11.
Step 12.
Step 13.
Step 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czdmsl/how_to_use_stairs/
%
Why doesn't the Church take the issue with priests molesting children seriously?

Because it's a minor problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czdl5w/why_doesnt_the_church_take_the_issue_with_priests/
%
Lil johnny

A salesman rang the door bell and little
Johnny answered.
The salesman asked if his father was at home.
Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said,
"Well, can I see him please?" Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said,
"Well can I see her?" Johnny snickered
again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said "No.
" The salesman asked, "Why?"
"Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me
for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czdhje/lil_johnny/
%
To a colorblind person:

Do you see "Colorado" as just "ado"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czdfus/to_a_colorblind_person/
%
What's a mathematician's favorite recess game?

4^2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czdejn/whats_a_mathematicians_favorite_recess_game/
%
What do you call a cow that cant produce milk?

Milk dud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czd863/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_cant_produce_milk/
%
My grandfather said, "Your generation relies too much on technology."

I replied, "No, *your* generation relies too much on technology" and turned off his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czd3o1/my_grandfather_said_your_generation_relies_too/
%
My girlfriend sounded happy while she was breaking up with me over the phone, but I could barely hear her because of the bad reception.

I guess you could say she was ex-static.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czd10l/my_girlfriend_sounded_happy_while_she_was/
%
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.

I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czczcg/my_neighbor_was_walking_across_the_street_while/
%
What do you call a Rastafarian proctologist?

Pokemon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czcyrm/what_do_you_call_a_rastafarian_proctologist/
%
Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?

So she could moan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czcxyc/why_did_helen_keller_masturbate_with_only_one_hand/
%
Why did the Hispanic man die after taking three pills?

Because it was over-dos!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czcx9x/why_did_the_hispanic_man_die_after_taking_three/
%
I bought a candle and at first I was confused because it didn’t smell like anything...

but eventually it made scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czcmvw/i_bought_a_candle_and_at_first_i_was_confused/
%
Which US president was the least guilty?

Lincoln, because he was in a cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czcbaa/which_us_president_was_the_least_guilty/
%
Why don’t Native Americans like snow?

Because it’s white and settles on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czc7k1/why_dont_native_americans_like_snow/
%
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

"School" is my answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czc7gk/as_an_aussie_americans_are_always_asking_me_where/
%
Oh no, the universe just imploded itself!

No matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czc635/oh_no_the_universe_just_imploded_itself/
%
I need everyone to wish me luck

I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt, im so excited I can barely put on my ski mask

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czc5y7/i_need_everyone_to_wish_me_luck/
%
This woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at...

The doctor said "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconson University?"
The girl says "Why do ask?"
The doc says "I'm not just a doctor- I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front; its mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."
"Not bad doc" she says- "Not bad"
"Well..." says the doctor "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?"
Girl- "Nope- but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czc0n5/this_woman_goes_to_the_doctors_to_have_a_strange/
%
Krillin, Sean Bean and a Starfleet redshirt walk into a bar.

They all lived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czbwk5/krillin_sean_bean_and_a_starfleet_redshirt_walk/
%
How did the chronic masturbator die?

He had one too many strokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czbr5n/how_did_the_chronic_masturbator_die/
%
As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow."

"Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.
"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czbpib/as_i_stood_before_the_airline_ticket_agent_i_said/
%
I named my horse mayo

And sometimes mayo neighs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czbbf2/i_named_my_horse_mayo/
%
I'm terrified of dying alone.

So I've decided to become an airline pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czbb3l/im_terrified_of_dying_alone/
%
Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation?

I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czarli/women_can_receive_up_to_8000_for_donating_their/
%
Sad Schrodinger's cat be like

I am alive but I am dead inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czagzu/sad_schrodingers_cat_be_like/
%
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate dinner before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czaeb3/how_did_the_hipster_burn_the_roof_of_his_mouth/
%
What’s another name for a necrophiliac?

Ghostbuster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/czae88/whats_another_name_for_a_necrophiliac/
%
My wife said I was acting like a child

I told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cza63t/my_wife_said_i_was_acting_like_a_child/
%
Do you know why I stay up late on weekends?

Because sleep is for the week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cza3xp/do_you_know_why_i_stay_up_late_on_weekends/
%
I painted my laptop black.

Now it runs faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz9x3y/i_painted_my_laptop_black/
%
Robber: I can't run anymore

Cop: looks like you need *arrest*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz9tel/robber_i_cant_run_anymore/
%
What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield ?

It’s ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz9sqn/whats_the_last_thing_that_goes_through_a_bugs/
%
If you find gold in Australia, where should you look for silver?

Agstralia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz9owb/if_you_find_gold_in_australia_where_should_you/
%
Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans.  He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.  Then one day he met a girl and fell in love.  When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to himself, "She is such a sweet and gentle woman; she would never go for this carrying on."  So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work.  Since he lived in the country, he called his wife an told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.  On his way, he passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than he could stand.  Since he still had miles to walk, he figured that he would walk off any ill effects by the time he reached home. So, he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed 3 large orders of baked beans.  All the way home he had gas.  And upon arriving home, he felt reasonably sure he could control it.  His wife seemed excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."  She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table.  She seated herself and just as she was about to remove the blindfold from her husband, the phone rang.  She made
him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned.  She then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans he had consumed were still affecting him. So, while his wife was out of the room he seized the opportunity to ease the problem.  It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.  He took his napkin and fanned the air around him vigorously. Keeping his ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the phone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it on his lap, and folded his hands upon it, smiling contentedly to himself.  He was the picture of innocence when his wife returned.  Apologizing for having taken so long, she asked him if he peeked, and he assured her that he had not.  At this point, she removed the blindfold, and he was surprised.
There were 12 dinner guests seated around the table to wish him a week-early  Happy Birthday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz9ntr/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_man_who_had_a/
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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz9dv7/did_you_hear_mary_poppins_stopped_wearing/
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Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz982k/old_soviet_joke_what_is_huge_noisy_eats_20_liters/
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What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Caddyshack?

One had a Bronco pursuit and the other had Chevy Chase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz97wv/whats_the_difference_between_oj_simpson_and/
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My friend just told me he had a third nipple.

He really wanted to get it off his chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz90tv/my_friend_just_told_me_he_had_a_third_nipple/
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My friend Carson asked why I only use a step ladder

I never knew my real ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz90cp/my_friend_carson_asked_why_i_only_use_a_step/
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Bad Beer?

What's the difference between a clit and Budweiser beer??
A clit only tastes like piss for 30 seconds..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz8hbl/bad_beer/
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I went bald years ago, but I still have my comb...

I just can't part with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz85u6/i_went_bald_years_ago_but_i_still_have_my_comb/
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My grandfather was responsible for 49 downed German planes.

Still to this day, he holds the record for worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Fuck word to hide the post since I cant mark it as spoiler on mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz82pm/my_grandfather_was_responsible_for_49_downed/
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Have you ever seen a chicken strip?

I've never seen a chicken wear clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz7y98/have_you_ever_seen_a_chicken_strip/
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Did you hear about the gay midget?

His family waa so happy when he finally came out of the cupboard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz7wsh/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_midget/
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I know its cheesy but...

I think you’re grate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz7da6/i_know_its_cheesy_but/
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If thor throws his hammer a long distance,

Does that make it Mjol-far?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz7cq9/if_thor_throws_his_hammer_a_long_distance/
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Three American men are sitting on a beach in the Caribbean sipping their rum and they get to talking...

Soon they happen to inquire about each other's backgrounds.
The first man says, "I used to own a matchstick factory back in California. But one day there was a fire and the entire factory was burned to the ground. I collected my insurance money and decided to retire here in the Caribbean."
The second man say, "Oh, how odd! I used to own a jewellery store in Chicago. One night there was a break-in and I lost all my wares. So I collected my insurance and headed down here."
The third man looks at the two of them and says, "You won't believe it! I used to run a warehouse in Kansas. One day a tornado destroyed the entire business, so I collected my insurance and here I am!"
The first two men look at each other for a while. Finally one of them asks, "How do you make a tornado?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz7c4u/three_american_men_are_sitting_on_a_beach_in_the/
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I heard on the news, that there was a guy in town stealing the wheels off police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz76sd/i_heard_on_the_news_that_there_was_a_guy_in_town/
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What color were the skies over the Bahamas thus weekend?

Dorian Gray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz75yd/what_color_were_the_skies_over_the_bahamas_thus/
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Reddit makes the world a better place

...everything gets recycled here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz75ip/reddit_makes_the_world_a_better_place/
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It hate it when people throw their clocks in the bin.

It's a waste of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz728y/it_hate_it_when_people_throw_their_clocks_in_the/
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What do you call someone that hates scientologists?

Xenuphobic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz70xy/what_do_you_call_someone_that_hates_scientologists/
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A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him
“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”
The man hides the pole and  replies:
“Oh no no those are my pet fish I just come here every week or so drop them in the pond and once they are done swimming they jump back in and I go home”
At this point the officer smirks, he knows he’s lying, so he says:
Well then show me, if you can truly show me that they will do that then I’ll let you go.”
The man agrees and dumbs the fish into the pond, 2 minutes pass
The officer says:
“So when are the fish jumping back in the bucket?”
The man replies:
“What fish?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz6zqr/a_man_is_illegally_fishing/
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Every German citizen contributes to their country through taxes...

So I guess Germany runs on krautfunding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz6q71/every_german_citizen_contributes_to_their_country/
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My Nan is a True Vegan

And she's dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz6m8k/my_nan_is_a_true_vegan/
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I used to be addicted to raw meat..

Don't worry, I'm cured now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz69ph/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_raw_meat/
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Top Tip

Turn your sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz67v3/top_tip/
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Here is a bit of advice for all of you.

advi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz65ov/here_is_a_bit_of_advice_for_all_of_you/
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I once worked at a slaughterhouse and saw a pig get killed

I never sausage a thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz634o/i_once_worked_at_a_slaughterhouse_and_saw_a_pig/
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A man asked his doctor for 3 Viagra pills one day.

"I need one for each woman coming over tonight, doc." The man stated.
On reasonable request, the doctor gave him the pills.
The next day, the man came back to his doctor, but this time, his arm was in a cast.
"What happened?" His doctor questioned.
"The girls never showed up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz60tl/a_man_asked_his_doctor_for_3_viagra_pills_one_day/
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Why does Bono always say ‘I love you’ first?

Because it’s the only time he gets to hear someone say: I love U2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz5yzg/why_does_bono_always_say_i_love_you_first/
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My friend is a frequent sperm donor

Get a load of this guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz5snx/my_friend_is_a_frequent_sperm_donor/
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You're being strapped into the electric chair.

What happens next will SHOCK you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz5nwy/youre_being_strapped_into_the_electric_chair/
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A cop pulled me over for my dark window tint.

I didn't understand why my glass being dark was such a big deal until he removed the tint.
Then it was clear to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz5hwt/a_cop_pulled_me_over_for_my_dark_window_tint/
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Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?

Because cubes are platonic solids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz5h5w/why_couldnt_the_bard_seduce_the_gelatinous_cube/
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How can four people go out with only one umbrella and not get wet?

It isn’t raining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz5gz8/how_can_four_people_go_out_with_only_one_umbrella/
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Did you know pigeons die after sex?

Well at least the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz52uv/did_you_know_pigeons_die_after_sex/
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Two strings walk into a bar.

The bartender yells " Get out we don't serve strings" and has the bouncer throw them out.
The first string is dejected and sadly heads home.
The second string stands up, dusts himself off and decides he is gonna try again. He bends over backwards turns to the side and pushes his head and shoulders through the loop. He then messes his hair up and walks back into the bar
The bartender hollers " Ain't you that string I just threw out?"
"Nope" the string replies "I'm a frayed knot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz51qq/two_strings_walk_into_a_bar/
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Bar Tender says “We don’t serve Time Travelers”.

A Time Traveler Walks into a Bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz4rql/bar_tender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers/
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The Priest and the Lawyer

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road.
He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought 'Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down this lawyer!' and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer.
But, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.
He turned to the priest and said 'Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.' The priest said 'Don't worry son, I got him with my door'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz4mhz/the_priest_and_the_lawyer/
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Did you hear about the time Matthew McConaughey drove backwards on a NASCAR track?

All right, all right, all right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz4kix/did_you_hear_about_the_time_matthew_mcconaughey/
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My farts don't sound or smell

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent."
"As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"
The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz4eg3/my_farts_dont_sound_or_smell/
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SuperClark.

Clark kent: i'm looking for a classical game for my Nintendo Switch
Gamestop employee: You can't go wrong with Super Mario.
Clark Kent: [looking around] Haha, don't you have a regular mario?
Gamestop employee: wha-
Clark Kent: [loudly] because i'm just a regular man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz4aa0/superclark/
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I bought a book about photons the other day

It was for a bit of light reading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz48wa/i_bought_a_book_about_photons_the_other_day/
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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
The man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true."
He continues, "She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
The blonde says, 'Oh, my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'
I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me..."
The bartender says, "Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'
Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?'
I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'
But by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time. I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really pissed me off."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally piss you off?"
"Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz47ho/pissed_off/
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Two newly wed couples end up at the same place for their Honeymoon

The two grooms are are at the bar talking about finally making love to their new wives. One of them suggests a competition to see who gets the most sex and they both agree. They needed a code so their wives wouldn't know they were having a competition, so it was suggested that over breakfast they would order slices of toast for each time they had sex the night before.
The next morning the two couples sit down to breakfast and the waitress takes their orders. The first groom orders bacon and eggs with 4 slices of toast and grins at the other groom. The other groom also orders bacon and eggs with 4 slices of toast but asks if two of the slices could be brown bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz46k5/two_newly_wed_couples_end_up_at_the_same_place/
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What do you call a paraplegic doing karate?

Partial arts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz456m/what_do_you_call_a_paraplegic_doing_karate/
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Donald Trump sits next to a little girl on Air Force one

Donald Trump sits next to a little girl on Air Force One (a daughter of one of his staff). He turns to her and says, 'Let's talk- I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger'.    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and asks Trump, 'What would you like to talk about?'.    'Oh, I don't know,' says Trump, 'How about what changes I should make to “Make America Great Again”?' and smiles.    ‘OK’, she says, ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first’.  ‘A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’.  Trump, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea'.    To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know shit?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz455a/donald_trump_sits_next_to_a_little_girl_on_air/
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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing 'Dancing Queen' on it.

I thought, "That's Abbariginal"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz44i9/i_met_this_bloke_with_a_didgeridoo_and_he_was/
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It costs an arm and a leg.

Adam was in the Garden of Eden and was very very lonely. So God decides to build him a friend and lover. He decides to call it a "Woman". So he sets out to work but realizes he'll need to borrow a few parts from Adam, so he goes to Adam and explains the situation. God says "I'll build the perfect companion, she'll cook, clean, take care of your every wish and need and will never nag or complain or be angry at you for no reason. It'll only cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam says "But I need my arm and  leg... what can I get for just a rib?"
And the rest is history...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz43e3/it_costs_an_arm_and_a_leg/
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Ten Dollars

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz41jq/ten_dollars/
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What do you have when you don't focus on your tools?

No attention spanner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz3xu2/what_do_you_have_when_you_dont_focus_on_your_tools/
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A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, “Do you have any idea who I am?”
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, “May I have your attention please we have a passenger here at Gate 14 who doesn't know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.”
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “Fuck You!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz3uwf/a_crowded_united_airlines_flight_was_cancelled_a/
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What's the difference between a jeweler, a jailer, and a pot of glue?

One sells watches while the other watches cells.
And the pot of glue?
Well that's where you get stuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz3t5t/whats_the_difference_between_a_jeweler_a_jailer/
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I'm a murderer

Others would kill to have my job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz3kom/im_a_murderer/
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Why are there so many gay men with girlfriends in Egypt?

Because they are in de Nile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz3813/why_are_there_so_many_gay_men_with_girlfriends_in/
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What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

They both can smell it but, neither of them can taste it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz37dp/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_guy/
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There was once a horse with the most illustrious and flowing mane on the planet

Maybe she was barn with it, or maybe it's neighbelline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz377x/there_was_once_a_horse_with_the_most_illustrious/
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I took a picture of Hurricane Dorian

but it came out Grey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz36fn/i_took_a_picture_of_hurricane_dorian/
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So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character

You should've seen the Luke on her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz357n/so_my_friend_decided_to_get_a_face_tattoo_of_her/
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Since Dorian refuses to move

Can we downgrade it to a Not-in-a-Hurricane?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz33gt/since_dorian_refuses_to_move/
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What happens when you punch sound?

It megahertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz30wr/what_happens_when_you_punch_sound/
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What's the difference between EA and North Korea?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz2x6d/whats_the_difference_between_ea_and_north_korea/
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My Girlfriend tried to make me have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic....

But I refused....
If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz2umr/my_girlfriend_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_with_her/
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TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad shit about Samuel, because he used to be a hardcore drug addict, but he tries his hardest to quit and hes really a nice guy so I've never thought poorly of him.
Remember this, as itll come into play later in the story.
Grandpa starts up the grill, and soon enough my dad and all of his brothers are gathered around talking about football or some nonsense.
Out of the blue, Samuel walks into the back yard, and suddenly the entire crowd falls deathly silent.
"Nope," my uncle Robert blurts out, "we are not fucking doing this again this year."
Near him is a croquet mallet left behind by another of my cousins, and Robert picks it up like hes going to start swinging it.
Aunt Wendy, Samuel's mom, screams bloody fucking murder, but doesn't lift a finger to help her poor son, who flees back to the front yard as fast as he can.
Grandpa and the rest of his sons follow Robert as he chases Samuel down, but not one of them tells him to cut it out.
I blow my top, however, and full-on sprint to put myself between my uncle and my cousin.
Very forcefully, I take the shovel from Robert's hand and throw it over the fence into his neighbor's lawn.
Every one of my family members looks at me like I've just defaced the Holy Grail, but that doesn't stop me from exploding.
"You ought to be fucking ashamed of yourself!
Over and over you keep punishing Samuel for his past mistakes, but you never give him a chance to show you how hes changed!"
Ultimately, my uncle returned to the party with the rest of my family, his tail between his legs, but not before making it very clear that I was never allowed to his home again.
Upset about what transpired, Samuel tried to apologize to me for ruining my relationship with Uncle Robert.
"Please", I replied with a laugh, "I'm the first letter of every sentence in this story!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz2tii/tifu_by_causing_a_massive_fight_at_our_families/
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Lieutenant: I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning, Jackson!

Private Jackson: Thank you, Sir!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz2nci/lieutenant_i_didnt_see_you_at_camouflage_training/
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What kind of deodorant does Leonardo DiCaprio wear?

Old Sport

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz2j3m/what_kind_of_deodorant_does_leonardo_dicaprio_wear/
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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"
Grandma giggles, "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey and we were glad to get it!"
They all turn to great grandma, who's quietly knitting. Great grandma leans back in her rocking chair and says, "Gald-dang whipper-snappers! Back in my day, during the Great Depression, we was just happy to have something warm in our stomachs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz2h1p/a_fourthgeneration_prostitute_goes_home_to_her/
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What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

Micro trans-action.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz26e6/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_transgender_midgets/
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a meteor strikes the earth killing everything and the only surviving life form is a hungry alpaca.

ALPACALIPS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz1yxt/a_meteor_strikes_the_earth_killing_everything_and/
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Why won't shrimp share its treasure?

Because it is shellfish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz1qkl/why_wont_shrimp_share_its_treasure/
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Puns make me numb

But math puns make me number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz1qfd/puns_make_me_numb/
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How do you know when your at a gay bbq?

All the hotdogs taste like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz1q9j/how_do_you_know_when_your_at_a_gay_bbq/
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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz1nbx/an_australian_army_recruit_sends_home_a_letter/
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My wife caught me cross dressing

So I packed up all her clothes and left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz1mpf/my_wife_caught_me_cross_dressing/
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What's the difference between a circus and the Miss America beauty pageant?

One is a cunning array of stunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz1kay/whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_the/
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Something bad will happen at the end of A B C D E F G H...

I JK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz1ckt/something_bad_will_happen_at_the_end_of_a_b_c_d_e/
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How do you say hi to a Chinese person?

Ciao mein.
I'm going to lose a lot of karma now, but that's okay because this is probably my worst joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz197y/how_do_you_say_hi_to_a_chinese_person/
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My wife wanted to make love ‘like they do in the movies’

So I hired a film crew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz17et/my_wife_wanted_to_make_love_like_they_do_in_the/
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3 Wishes

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
The second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
The third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
The first guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore.
The second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
The third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
The second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz13zx/3_wishes/
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what’s the differences between a bus stop and a lobster with breast implants

ones a crusty bus station the other’s a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz0uej/whats_the_differences_between_a_bus_stop_and_a/
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Did you hear about the guy who ran over himself?

He asked his wife to run over to the store and get him some beer. She wouldn't, so he ran over himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz0rvp/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_ran_over_himself/
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I have written a book about the benefits of suicide.

No reviews yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz0pif/i_have_written_a_book_about_the_benefits_of/
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My dad once told me "son stay out of gay clubs or you will see something you shouldn't " so of course I went in and

He was right i saw my dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz0lfx/my_dad_once_told_me_son_stay_out_of_gay_clubs_or/
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I was going to make a joke about incest to my brother...

But on second thought, it's really not appropriate for him to be hearing these kinds of things from his father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz0kss/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_incest_to_my/
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Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

They prefer to eat their fingers separately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz0iiw/why_dont_zombies_eat_popcorn_with_their_fingers/
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What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz0i19/what_do_you_say_when_someone_whos_double_jointed/
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Two professors of economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat.

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you ₹10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and finally eats the rat.
The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. When he sees another dead rat on the road, he dares the professor to eat it in exchange for the old ₹10,000. The senior professor, eager to recover his reckless bet, eats it.
After a few minutes of walking silently, the younger professor finally says - “Looks like we’ve been eating dead rats for free.”
The older professor remarks, “But don’t forget we just added ₹ 20,000 to the GDP!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz0hop/two_professors_of_economics_were_walking_down_a/
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Uranus can fit 63 Earths

64 if you relax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz0gb9/uranus_can_fit_63_earths/
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Dentist: "This is going to hurt a little!"

Me: "Ok"
Dentist: "I've been sleeping with your girlfriend for a while now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz0bnk/dentist_this_is_going_to_hurt_a_little/
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A high school has a $10 swear fine.

One day during gym class, Peter gets caught saying “shit”.
He gives the teacher a twenty and says:
“Keep the fucking change.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz07md/a_high_school_has_a_10_swear_fine/
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I got called hot today

Well, more specifically it was "hot mess", but I'm focusing on the positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz063k/i_got_called_hot_today/
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What's an astronaut's favorite board game?

Moonopoly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz00s0/whats_an_astronauts_favorite_board_game/
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Police arrested two kids yesterday

, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cz00gx/police_arrested_two_kids_yesterday/
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A joke walks into a bar

The bartender says, “That’s weird, I’ve never meta joke before.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyzmtw/a_joke_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?

Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyzeo3/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_cactus/
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Testicle torture enthusiasts after a long day:

“Aah time to hit the sack.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyz5od/testicle_torture_enthusiasts_after_a_long_day/
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My three favorite things

are eating my family and forgetting to use commas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyz17v/my_three_favorite_things/
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I told my boyfriend it was time to go to sleep.

He kept saying no.
I told him to stop resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyyya7/i_told_my_boyfriend_it_was_time_to_go_to_sleep/
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Don't waste your time

If you are arguing with your sex partner then you are wasting your fucking time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyys3o/dont_waste_your_time/
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Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who got fired?

She couldn't control her pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyyhqb/did_you_hear_about_the_cross_eyed_teacher_who_got/
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A Teenage Son and his father are sitting at a restaurant...

When in walks another teenager with colored hair. The father is intently staring down the kid with the colored hair, enough so that it makes his teenage son uncomfortable. The stare down continues while the kid with the colored hair orders his food and heads to a table. While walking by, the kid and father make eye contact. "What are you looking at, old man?" the colored haired kid asks the father. "Let it go, Dad..." the father's son says, sinking further into his seat. "Well..." the father says, pausing to take a sip of his coffee "about twenty years ago, I got drunk and fucked a peacock, and I was wondering if you were mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyyh8f/a_teenage_son_and_his_father_are_sitting_at_a/
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JOHN on his wedding night

finding that his wife was a Virgin exclaims: "I want to Kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity."
She gives a naughty smile and says:
_"KISS MY ASS."_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyycjt/john_on_his_wedding_night/
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Did you see that guy on the freeway cutting off everyone but big rigs?

He was semi courteous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyyb55/did_you_see_that_guy_on_the_freeway_cutting_off/
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I used to work tunneling through cemeteries.

It was dead boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyyay7/i_used_to_work_tunneling_through_cemeteries/
%
One day, a black bear walks into a bar...

The bear begins to get some strange looks, but he was use to this being a black bear and all. Everyone in the bar was acting a little strange around him, but then he sat at the bar and the bartender began to serve him.
Bartender: Ummm...So what can I get you?
Bear: Let me get a shot of....................... whiskey.
Bartender: Sure, but what's up with the big pause?
Bear: I get them from my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyya27/one_day_a_black_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyy9cl/for_his_birthday_an_old_mans_nephews_secretly/
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I'm not just non-binary

I'm non-alphabetical, I identify as the number 7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyy7m0/im_not_just_nonbinary/
%
I'm going through a big change right now

I'm finally going to tell my family everything. I told my wife and my kids that I'm going to get a sex change. I've decided that I'm opening a new chapter in my life, and I was to be honest and open with more people now.
Me: Honey, will you still love me when I'm a woman?
Wife: Of course baby, I love you no matter what gender you are
Me: Kids, will you all accept me for who I am, and will be?
Kids: We will dad... Or mom? What should we call you?
Me: You can call me whatever you want. I'm going be transparent now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyy4ww/im_going_through_a_big_change_right_now/
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A husband asks his wife what she would do if they won the lottery

Wife: "I would take half and leave you"
Husband hands her a ticket: "Great! We won $12, take half and have a good life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyy0lb/a_husband_asks_his_wife_what_she_would_do_if_they/
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My friend said "You have a BA a masters and a PhD and you still act like an idiot"....

It was a third degree burn!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyxz5m/my_friend_said_you_have_a_ba_a_masters_and_a_phd/
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The bartender looks up and says "We don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyxxxv/the_bartender_looks_up_and_says_we_dont_serve/
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My dad told me “son, if you keep master bating you’ll go blind!”

I said “dad, I’m over here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyxxgp/my_dad_told_me_son_if_you_keep_master_bating/
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There once was a man with no arms. [Long]

Despite this fact, when the town church was looking for a new bell toller, he went straight to the church. The pastor didn't believe the man when told he could do the job, but decided to humor him, saying "If you can ring the bell, the job is yours."
Excitedly, the man climbed the stairs to the top of the belfry. As the pastor watched, the man took several steps back then ran head first towards the bell, creating the clearest, purist tone the pastor had ever heard.
"Bravo," the pastor said, "the job is yours!" And so the man dutifully fulfilled his job, day in and day out, announcing the time, church, weddings, funerals, everything.
However, one day there was a powerful storm. Despite this, the man kept to his job and climbed the belfry. He took several steps back, started to run towards the bell, but the wind caught the it, tilting it just enough that the man ran underneath it, off the belfry, and fell to his death.
The town mourned his death and, though no family ever showed, held a funeral for him. Out of respect, the town decided to wait several weeks before looking to hire a new bell toller.
After mourning, an ad was placed. A man walked into the pastor's office and inquired about the position. The pastor looked up, and much to his surprise, there stood the armless man.
"How can you be alive?! You fell three stories!"
"No, pastor, that was my twin brother you hired. He kept in touch with me via mail and had nothing but wonderful things to say about you and the townspeople. When I didn't hear anything from him in several weeks, I wrote him, thinking his message got lost. When I still hadn't heard from him, I came here, and learned of his death along the way. I didn't leave much behind me, so if you would, I'd love to apply for the job."
After the pastor had collected himself, he obliged, with everything repeating as it had: the man ran head first towards the bell, earning the job, working hard, and falling to his death.
A small crowd gathered around the man's corpse when somebody yelled "Does anybody know this man?"
Another person replied "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyxu89/there_once_was_a_man_with_no_arms_long/
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A teaser for a film with a gay protagonist just dropped!

It's coming out soon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyxlzb/a_teaser_for_a_film_with_a_gay_protagonist_just/
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To propose to his girlfriend Wendy, Bill tattooed her name on his...

Penis. Unfortunately, when he was soft, only the 'W' and 'Y' were visible.  Nonetheless, the proposal went well when he whipped it out for her, and Wendy accepted happily.
Not long after the proposal, they married and went on a Jamaican honeymoon.  At the airport, Bill had to stop and take a leak, so he popped into the men's room.  At the urinal next to him was a man with long dreads, and Bill happened to notice that the man also had 'WY' tattooed on his penis.
"Sir, I know it's bad form to look, but I noticed your tattoo. I have the same one. What are the odds two guys with 'Wendy' tattoos would be standing next to each other?"
The Rastafarian gives Bill a funny look, then glances down.
"Mine says "Welcome to Jamaica, mon. Have a nice day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyxik2/to_propose_to_his_girlfriend_wendy_bill_tattooed/
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How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call her and tell her about it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyxczk/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_during_sex/
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Two Chinese brothers

come to New York in the seventies and open a disco. Sam Poo and Sam Pan, they do really well and the disco is a big hit.
After 10 years Sam Poo dies and goes to heaven, he has been in heaven a while when St Peter see's Sam Poo and asks whats wrong you look sad?
I am missing my brother we were so close said Sam Poo.
Look says St Peter I can let you go down to earth for 1 hour but you must not over stay your welcome.
Deal says Sam Poo, he grabs his harp and is sent down to see Sam Pan.
They have a great hour catching up and Sam Poo feels sad about leaving but a deals a deal and he clicks his heels and goes back to heaven.
St peter see him when he returns and he looks flustered, what's wrong asks St Peter?
Sam Poo says  well you are not going to believe this but.........
I left my harp in San Pans disco..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyx8sm/two_chinese_brothers/
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I don’t insert my card into the chip reader until the cashier tells me the price,

Because consent is important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyx3da/i_dont_insert_my_card_into_the_chip_reader_until/
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A slice of Apple pie is $3 in Jamaica and $2.50 in The Bahamas...

Those are the Pie rates of the Caribbean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cywxan/a_slice_of_apple_pie_is_3_in_jamaica_and_250_in/
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My Boss described me as “one to watch” in our office.

Sadly, he was talking to security at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cywwvk/my_boss_described_me_as_one_to_watch_in_our_office/
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In Soviet Russia a man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cywwtt/in_soviet_russia_a_man_walks_into_a_shop_he_asks/
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How can you tell if a skeleton is sick?

By his coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cywmmv/how_can_you_tell_if_a_skeleton_is_sick/
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I was in a job interview. The guy asked me if I was a risk taker.

I said yes.
He said how.
I said I once clicked the category 'Other' on PornHub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cywlqc/i_was_in_a_job_interview_the_guy_asked_me_if_i/
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What do you call a flying nun?

Virgin Airlines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cywku4/what_do_you_call_a_flying_nun/
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Did you hear about the prostitute that gave a handjob to a guy with leprosy?

When she was done he said "thanks, keep the tip"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cywhn4/did_you_hear_about_the_prostitute_that_gave_a/
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If I told you that I lived in the zoo,

would I be lion?  (Probably not new, but I thought of it today, and yes, I am a dad.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cywhgs/if_i_told_you_that_i_lived_in_the_zoo/
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I cried the first time I saw Alien.

My friends told me I have xenophobia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cywcbr/i_cried_the_first_time_i_saw_alien/
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What does a snail wear when they need to carry a lot of things?

Escargot Pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyw9jl/what_does_a_snail_wear_when_they_need_to_carry_a/
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[OC] How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, they're never in office long enough to be able to do so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyw757/oc_how_many_uk_prime_ministers_does_it_take_to/
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What type of witch goes to the beach?

A Sandwitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyw4vh/what_type_of_witch_goes_to_the_beach/
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All the comic books I inherited from my brother had the last page missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyvzvi/all_the_comic_books_i_inherited_from_my_brother/
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The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is...

...you know what?  Never mind.  It's FINE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyvzqh/the_first_rule_of_passive_aggressive_club_is/
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I got fired from my job at the sperm bank. I was just trying to be helpful...

But apparently telling all the patients “It sure takes balls to do what you’re doing” wasn’t appreciated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyvx2j/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_sperm_bank_i_was/
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Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids.

He said, "For the last time, I haven't got your football."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyvo7e/quasimodo_was_running_down_the_street_chased_by_a/
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Top golfers are the worst lovers...

...two-three strokes and they're done!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyvle2/top_golfers_are_the_worst_lovers/
%
I tried to get a blowjob from a vaccum cleaner...

It was a great idea at first, but in the end, it really sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyvkd6/i_tried_to_get_a_blowjob_from_a_vaccum_cleaner/
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What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyvjt2/whats_the_difference_between_a_hot_potato_and_a/
%
I finally figured out what that tiny little pocket in my jeans is there for...

It's for my salary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyv5p3/i_finally_figured_out_what_that_tiny_little/
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Circus for adults...

In a circus, there’s an act with alligators. The trainer makes the alligator open it’s jaws. He then proceeds to drop his pants and sticks his dick between the alligators jaws. The alligator starts to slowly close it’s mouth. Just before it bites off the trainers dick, the trainer hits the alligator on it’s head, which makes it open it’s jaws again.
He then turns to the audience and asks: “ Does anyone from the audience dare do this?”
A shy old granny eventually speaks up: “ I do.... if you promise not to hit me too hard...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyv5k7/circus_for_adults/
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Karl had the worst headache ever.

After he slowly opened his eyes, one at a time, he found that his wife had already left the bedroom. He was lying on the floor for some reason and had a raging headache and a big bump on his forehead. That probably meant he was getting screamed at, when he got downstairs.
He tried to go to the kitchen, without making to much noise, but on the way he found that he broke a vase. Oh no, that meant more screaming.
But the smelh of fresh coffee, bacon and eggs in the air seemed of of place. Something was seriously wrong. This was not what he expected.
When he entered the kitchen his wife smiled happily at him and told him to sit down. He looked at his son who was already sitting at the table and eating his breakfast, and whispered to him: "What happened, how much did I screw up?"
His son smiled at him and told him: "You were shouting in the street, when you came home. But that wasn't enough so you puked over moms roses. Then you were not able to open the front door, so mom had to pick you up. On the way to the bedroom you broke her favourite vase."
Karl got paler and paler with everything his son told him, he was sure this was his last supper. Why didn't he leave the pup earlier.
His son saw him getting paler, and continued. "Mom tried to undress you. But when she tried to unzip your pants, you stood up told here 'Excuse me miss, I am happily married. I have to leave.' and tried to leave the bedroom and crashed into the door frame."
Comment: I guess it's much better in my native language and when narrated. But maybe it gave you a silent chuckle while sitting on the toilet at work and scrolling through reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyv5ak/karl_had_the_worst_headache_ever/
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My wife and I have been arguing recently. I do this really fantastic impression of a flamingo..

But she keeps telling me to stop. Eventually I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyv312/my_wife_and_i_have_been_arguing_recently_i_do/
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Why did the Japanese man not get a high five

Because Logan Paul left him hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyuzqu/why_did_the_japanese_man_not_get_a_high_five/
%
An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey...

"Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.
An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.
A redneck swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey? is that God's Boy down there?" The bartender nods, so the redneck orders Him a bottle of beer.
As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig.
Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian's humpback straightens, and he does a flip.
Just then the redneck yells, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyuwvf/an_old_irishman_walks_into_a_bar_hauls_his_bad/
%
I remember the time my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill

But instead I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained what I did to my dad and he beat the crap out of me.
The next morning when my dad woke up and opened the door, there was a brand new car outside. We all cried, mainly me. Because the car was from the electricity company, which were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat me up again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyuwp5/i_remember_the_time_my_dad_gave_me_money_to_pay/
%
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyuv6i/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
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Richard's daughter was getting married.

She was his princess so he wanted to make her day everything she'd dreamed of. A gorgeous wedding chapel, a gourmet chef for the catering, and  dozens of bottles of the finest champagne to be served in authentic Italian crystal. Except for the fact that Richard was an elementary school teacher and such extravagance was well beyond his means.
He tried going to the banks, but every bank in town turned him down because of his bad credit.
He sold his old comic books and baseball cards but his small collection didn't net him much.
His friends at work scraped together what they could, but even that wasn't enough.
His daughter told him that it didn't matter, that a simple wedding was enough for her; he knew, but he still wanted to spoil his little girl one last time.
One day, he was perusing want ads for a second job and saw a man in a fine suit walking by. A fat envelope dropped out of the man's newspaper and hit the ground. When the man didn't turn around to retrieve it, Richard jogged over and picked it up. He caught up to the man in the suit and tapped him on the shoulder.
The man turned around and speared Richard with a glare.
"Whaddya want?"
"Y-you dropped something." Richard proffered the envelope to the suited man who snatched it away, opened it, and began counting dozens of hundred dollar bills.
"You didn't take anything. You didn't even open it!" He seemed incredulous.
"It's not my business to. Have a nice day." Richard turned to leave but the suited man grabbed his elbow.
"I can't just let you go. If I'd have lost this dough I'd be a dead man. I always repay favors. If you ever need a favor, come here and ask for Paulo." He slipped a business card into Richard's pocket and strode away.
Later that night Richard decided to take the man up on his offer. The address was a ritzy Italian restaurant he'd never been to. He wore his best suit and rehearsed what he'd ask for if the man was serious about helping.
He walked in the door and felt immediately out of place. At the tables were all sorts of business owners, politicians, and even Hollywood actors. The host took one look at Richard's cheap suit and looked as if he were about to shoo him away.
Richard cleared his throat and said, "I'm here to see Paulo."
The host blinked and gestured for Richard to follow him.
Richard followed the host down a long hallway with increasingly sparse lighting. The noise of the restaurant faded as they walked deeper and deeper into the building. They soon came to an ornamented door and the host knocked a pattern of quick taps. A slot opened up at head height to reveal the face of the man Richard had met earlier. The man nodded to the host, who walked back the way they came.
The man, whom Richard assumed was Paulo, opened the door and beckoned him inside. The door shut behind him and the room was pitch black. Richard felt panic welling up before Paulo opened a door on the other side of the room.
Light flooded through and revealed a well-dressed Italian man behind a rich mahogany desk. He was stroking a white Persian cat while a phonograph played soft opera music.
"I understand you have done a great service for my son Paulo," the seated man said, "and I would be remiss if I didn't return the favor on his behalf. Do you have any questions before we get down to business?"
"Just one, sir. Why don't you have any lights in the other room?"
"It's a simple reason. It's always darkest before the Don."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyuq6q/richards_daughter_was_getting_married/
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And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and recieve eternal life"

John came fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyungt/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and/
%
My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes

I said fine! Slam the door on my cock on your way out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyukz5/my_wife_said_she_is_leaving_on_account_of_my/
%
What do you call a clown with diarrhea?

A party pooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyuhzm/what_do_you_call_a_clown_with_diarrhea/
%
After you win a fight against your enemies make sure you chop off their legs.

It’s the only true way to *defeet* them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyugfi/after_you_win_a_fight_against_your_enemies_make/
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What's the difference between a brick and a ginger?

At least the brick gets laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyug70/whats_the_difference_between_a_brick_and_a_ginger/
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I have an EpiPen

My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyuay9/i_have_an_epipen/
%
You use a telescope for looking through space and a periscope for looking through water. But what do you use to look through walls?

A window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyuatf/you_use_a_telescope_for_looking_through_space_and/
%
Why did the t-Rex sell me a handgun

He’s a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyu3ve/why_did_the_trex_sell_me_a_handgun/
%
A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely".

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Finally, Billy raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion."
So Billy replies, "Then I definitely just shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyu3bv/a_kindergarten_teacher_is_trying_to_explain_to/
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My girlfriend called me and said “Come over, nobody’s home ;)”

I went over... nobody was home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyttvd/my_girlfriend_called_me_and_said_come_over/
%
Why is priest training so hard?

The devil is in the details.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cytouv/why_is_priest_training_so_hard/
%
79 and 80 were in a fight

81

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cysq2h/79_and_80_were_in_a_fight/
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A film is to be made about the shootings last month in the El Paso Walmart

The Texas Chain Store Massacre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cysia7/a_film_is_to_be_made_about_the_shootings_last/
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I tried calling the tinnitus helpline

.
No answer, just kept ringing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cysguc/i_tried_calling_the_tinnitus_helpline/
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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.
So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lamborghini for their birthday.“
The second one nods. “Indeed, your son seems to do well. But my son isn't any less succesfull than yours. He is the Ceo of a big Yacht manufacturer. He also earns quite the amount. He gifted his lover a Yacht for their birthday.“
“Impressive“, the third one says, “I am delighted to hear so. My son is not doing bad either. He is a Ceo of a big company that is invilved with real estate and he as well earns more than enough. He went as far as gifting his lover a big mansion for their birthday.“
It is only now, that the fourth one returns from the restroom. Curiously the others ask what his eldest son was doing. “Oh nothing too fancy. He is a male stripper and prostitute.“
The three other men are shocked. “But aren't you ashamed of his lifestyle!?“
“Well of course I wasn't exactly happy when I found out but I've come to terms with it. He may not earn the most either but sometimes his clients gift him something. Just a while ago on his birthday he was actually gifted a Lamborghini, a Yacht and a Mansion from his three regulars, can you imagine?“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cysaf6/4_former_classmates_who_were_great_friends_and/
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Unpaid interns are like slaves

No pay, they just get experience in the field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cys5r4/unpaid_interns_are_like_slaves/
%
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail

But apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cys3yj/i_wanted_to_marry_my_english_teacher_when_she_got/
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The talking horse.

A man travels quietly in his car when suddenly it breaks down. The man is then forced to get off and check his car engine.
He did not understand what was happening when suddenly a brown horse with white spots approaches to see the car engine.
"It's the carburetor" the man listens, but ignores it.
"It's the carburetor" Listen again to the man. << I'm going crazy >>
"It's the carburetor" Listen for a third time, this time, much more scared.
"It's the carb ..." and just before the horse finished speaking, the man sees him pronouncing the phrase, got the scare of his life and runs to the nearest town. Enter the bar, and sweating arrives with the bartender.
"Give me a tequila," he says scared.
"Give me another tequila" Repeat.
"Give me a third tequila"
The bartender sees him, scared, horrified and sweating that he can't help asking:
"Hey man, I see you very strange, is something wrong?"
“You wouldn't believe it if I told you.”
"Try me"
“Well it happens that my car broke down and after trying to fix it a horse approaches the engine and articulating words tells me that it is the carburetor! The goddammed horse spoke to me!”
"A brown horse with white spots?" The man asked calmly.
"Yes, exactly that horse"
"IMPOSSIBLE! Ignore it, my friend, that horse doesn't know shit about mechanics."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cys0j3/the_talking_horse/
%
I was dating a tennis player, but then she cheated on me

For a while I was at my break point until I realized it wasn’t my fault. Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyrltc/i_was_dating_a_tennis_player_but_then_she_cheated/
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What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favourite subreddit?

It’s r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyreqd/whats_gordon_ramseys_favourite_subreddit/
%
My friend told me he was addicted to masturbation.

I told him to get a hold of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyrd3c/my_friend_told_me_he_was_addicted_to_masturbation/
%
I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out." I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyrbhf/i_went_to_the_doctors_office_the_other_day_and/
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What do you call someone who only chaps their bottom lip?

A uni-balmer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyr7hw/what_do_you_call_someone_who_only_chaps_their/
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You know what can turn you into a sh*thead almost instantly?

A bird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyqx6p/you_know_what_can_turn_you_into_a_shthead_almost/
%
A man walks into a therapists office

Therapist: why are you—-
Man: AHHHHH
Therapist are you ok?
Man : AHHHHHHH
Therapist: Sir what’s wrong !
Man: I’m afraid of letters !
Therapist: you are ?
Man: AHHHHHH
Therapist: Oh I see
Man: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyqt85/a_man_walks_into_a_therapists_office/
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I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am

I'm not really a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyqd3p/i_hate_how_funerals_are_always_at_9_or_10am/
%
How to get ripped in 4 easy steps:

1. Stand on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. Hold a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full  minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
3. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks, then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute (I'm at this level.)
4. When you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyq5z7/how_to_get_ripped_in_4_easy_steps/
%
My neighbor broke down into tears after I asked him about his garden placement.

He’s growing through a rough patch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyq4ik/my_neighbor_broke_down_into_tears_after_i_asked/
%
Have your ever spilled your breakfast on your pants?

It's pure egg-on-knee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyq2j3/have_your_ever_spilled_your_breakfast_on_your/
%
When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This  parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary.  Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to  say the very least, extremely rude.
Bill tried hard to change the  bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft  music--anything he could think of to try and set a good example...  Nothing worked.
Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got  louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got more angry and  more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming... Then,  suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.
The  parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said, "I am truly  sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I  humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth,endeavor to  correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs."
Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in  attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyq035/when_uncle_charlie_died_of_old_age_bill_was/
%
I told my sister I could build a car out of spaghetti

She didn't believe me, but you should have seen her face when I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cypyqm/i_told_my_sister_i_could_build_a_car_out_of/
%
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:

Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cypx4k/just_bought_my_wife_a_refrigerator_for_our/
%
A woman goes into a drugstore.

"Do you sell XL condoms?" she asks the pharmacist.
"Yes, of course, family planning is in aisle 5," he replies.
"Thanks," she says, and walks over.
About a half hour later the pharmacist is stocking shelves and sees the woman still standing in aisle 5.
"Did you find the condoms?" he asks.
"Yep," she says.
"Well, is there something else I can help you with?" he asks.
"Nope. I'm just waiting to see who buys them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cypqjl/a_woman_goes_into_a_drugstore/
%
I used to hate parasites,

But then they grew onto me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cypqi3/i_used_to_hate_parasites/
%
Billy and his mom are in their car on a highway...

... when, suddenly, a big pink dildo hits the windshield:
“What was that?!” Asks little Billy
“That... hum... that... that was just an insect Billy!”
... 5 minutes pass...
“Well... it sure had a big dick, mom.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cypo8r/billy_and_his_mom_are_in_their_car_on_a_highway/
%
How long did 8 lie down for?

Forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cypkui/how_long_did_8_lie_down_for/
%
My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cypiw8/my_wife_left_me_because_i_am_insecure/
%
Tonight, I’m making soup from a Himalayan opossum.

I found Himalayan in the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyphfn/tonight_im_making_soup_from_a_himalayan_opossum/
%
A boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin

"$9.57? Why do you need $11.48?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyph5b/a_boy_asked_his_dad_for_10_of_bitcoin/
%
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.
I’ll let myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cypdug/what_kind_of_shorts_do_clouds_wear/
%
What kind of shoes does lord Voldemort wear?

Horcrocs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cypb94/what_kind_of_shoes_does_lord_voldemort_wear/
%
What do you call it when you're debating with your friends what to order on GrubHub?

Deliverations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyp9xy/what_do_you_call_it_when_youre_debating_with_your/
%
How does the Milk-Man read the newspaper?

He skims it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyp5ia/how_does_the_milkman_read_the_newspaper/
%
A triangle says to a circle: You're pointless.

Then the circle says back: That's how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyow2s/a_triangle_says_to_a_circle_youre_pointless/
%
Why are there so many female archaeologists

Because women love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyovcl/why_are_there_so_many_female_archaeologists/
%
What do you call a Russian with three testicles? NSFW

Whodyanicka Bollockoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyouju/what_do_you_call_a_russian_with_three_testicles/
%
If a bisexual has a preferred gender

Are they considered biased?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyopx0/if_a_bisexual_has_a_preferred_gender/
%
"Honey, I have to confess something", said the husband on his deathbed

"...I have cheated on you multiple times with you best friend, your sister, my secretary and a side piece"
Wife: "Sshhh, it's okay babe. Just relax and let the poison work"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyolfy/honey_i_have_to_confess_something_said_the/
%
Why did John McLane take Viagra on his deathbed?

Because he wanted to.............
Die
Hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyofor/why_did_john_mclane_take_viagra_on_his_deathbed/
%
Why did Donald Trump’s dog keep making a lot of noise ?

It was a Trump-pet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyobai/why_did_donald_trumps_dog_keep_making_a_lot_of/
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Fun history fact...

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using the length of a sheep’s intestines.
However in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyo8tn/fun_history_fact/
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Vampires will never get you pregnant without you knowing

They can’t come inside without permission.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyo6ev/vampires_will_never_get_you_pregnant_without_you/
%
My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyo69z/my_wife_told_me_if_anything_happens_to_me_i_want/
%
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cynz77/i_didnt_want_to_believe_that_my_dad_was_stealing/
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Egg surpluses in France are a huge problem

They’re a big oeuf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cynwz4/egg_surpluses_in_france_are_a_huge_problem/
%
I went on a diet so I could wear a watch instead of a belt!

Total waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cynv32/i_went_on_a_diet_so_i_could_wear_a_watch_instead/
%
Back when I was a math teacher, I only taught subtraction

I just wanted to make a difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyntn8/back_when_i_was_a_math_teacher_i_only_taught/
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Why did god create vaginal mycosis?

So women can experience living with an annoying cunt, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cynr9y/why_did_god_create_vaginal_mycosis/
%
7 years old boy returns bag to police with $12000 inside bag

I hope my kids arent this fucking stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cynp20/7_years_old_boy_returns_bag_to_police_with_12000/
%
Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cynn46/steve_and_the_other_passengers_had_to_solve_a/
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Likely only Malaysians will get it but since I always forget jokes that pop in my mind, I've decided to just post it here

A very frustrated Malaysian wife looks at her indecisive Spanish husband and says, "Jose, if you don't decide on a name right now, for our still unnamed 2 year old son, I'm giving him up for adoption!"
With a smirk on his face, Jose yells back, "Fine honey, you decide then, Juan or Don Juan ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cynkuw/likely_only_malaysians_will_get_it_but_since_i/
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Why you'll never see temples/mosques/churches/gurudwara with free WiFi?

It's because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyng3k/why_youll_never_see/
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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend

He wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyndkb/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
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The pastor entered his donkey in a race and....

it won!
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
&nbsp;
The local paper headline the next day read:
**PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT**
&nbsp;
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
&nbsp;
Again, the next day the local paper headline read:
**BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS**
&nbsp;
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
&nbsp;
Thinking that it may be for the best, the Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
&nbsp;
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
**NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN**
&nbsp;
As a result, the Bishop fainted. When he recovered he informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
&nbsp;
The next day the paper read:
**NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10**
&nbsp;
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
&nbsp;
The next day the headlines read:
**NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cynd08/the_pastor_entered_his_donkey_in_a_race_and/
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I arranged a surprise for my wife's birthday. I put a blindfold on her and took her by the hand upstairs.

Once the blindfold was removed her view was this: me on the bed naked, surrounded by petals and candles, my legs separated enough for her to see the trimmed bush, the throbbing male organ.
A gentle music played.
"I'm ready to pleasure you," I purred, my come hither finger leading the way.
She said, "Alright, put the blindfold back on then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyn842/i_arranged_a_surprise_for_my_wifes_birthday_i_put/
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What sort of chicken caught the sun?

Tannedoori.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyn4bu/what_sort_of_chicken_caught_the_sun/
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I found a place that has a 98% recycling rate.

r/Jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyn0va/i_found_a_place_that_has_a_98_recycling_rate/
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Why does neon glow?

Because it it didn’t, we’d had to call it neoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cymxob/why_does_neon_glow/
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A man moves into a new house with his wife. He’s painting the living room when he hears a little knock on the door.

The man goes to the door and looks around, but doesn’t see anything so he closes the door, but as he’s walking away he hears the same little knock at his door.
He opens the door and looks around, and looks down, and staring up at him is a snail. This being a new home and not wanting pests, the man picks up the snail and throws it as fair as he can. He wipes his hands and goes back to painting
His wife gets home later with some groceries and he finishes painting. They have a lovely dinner and retire to bedroom to watch a movie and have a glass of wine. Soon they are having sex. They wake up the next day happy and in love.
A few weeks later the man’s wife finds out she’s pregnant. She shares the news with the man and they are overjoyed.
Time passes and her belly grows from a small bump to a much larger bump and before long she’s in labour.
The couple bring home their healthy baby girl and name her Sophie.
Sophie grows like a weed, she takes her first steps, says her first words, and becomes a rambunctious two year old.
The couple decides that Sophie should have a sibling and so they get to work and a year later Sophie has a baby brother named Benjamin.
Benjamin grows just as weed-like as Sophie. He takes his first steps, he says his first words, and when Sophie turns five, Benjamin is a few weeks from his second birthday.
Sophie starts school and Benjamin spends time in day care so that their mother can go back to work as an obstetrician. The man works less now that his wife is back to work and they have time to spend with their children.
Benjamin starts school and Sophie takes piano lessons, and plays soccer. Their parents can barely keep up to their energetic kids. But they agree it’s a blessing Sophie and Benjamin get along so well.
That changes when Sophie starts middle school and her younger brother starts to get on her nerves. But not long after Benjamin is in middle school with his sister just about to leave.
Benjamin plays in the school band and Sophie is on the drama team. Their parents couldn’t be prouder.
Sophie starts high school and introduces the family to her first boyfriend. Benjamin doesn’t like him, and is protective of his sister.
But Benjamin’s instincts are good, and Sophie suffers her first heartbreak. The man consoles his daughter and although she’s sad for awhile, she’s soon back to smiling as much as before. She graduates and goes to college.
Benjamin misses his sister, and spends his time drawing and playing music. He graduates as well and attends a prestigious art school.
As the couple drive back from dropping off their second child at his new adventure, they think back on the wonderful years they’ve spent in the house.
They get home and the woman goes up stairs to take a nap. The man goes to read a book in the living room.
Just as he sits down he hears a little knock on the door. So he goes to the door and he looks around, but sees nothing. So he closes the door but as he’s walking away he hears the same little knock at the door.
He opens the door and looks around, and looks down and he sees a snail.
The snail looks up at him and says “Hey asshole, what the fuck was *that* all about!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cymwxu/a_man_moves_into_a_new_house_with_his_wife_hes/
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What language do mute mathematicians use?

Sine language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cymwsz/what_language_do_mute_mathematicians_use/
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I have this friend that's an agnostic dyslexic insomniac.

Every night, he stays awake wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cymsd0/i_have_this_friend_thats_an_agnostic_dyslexic/
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Dear Reddit, I met this girl in a shoe store.

I think we might be sole mates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cymry9/dear_reddit_i_met_this_girl_in_a_shoe_store/
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A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise.

Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?
Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cympns/a_snail_was_admitted_to_the_hospital_because_he/
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Why gay men are always rude ?

Becouse they are fuckin assholes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cymiz2/why_gay_men_are_always_rude/
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What does Kevin Hart have in common with Paul Walker?

Being friends with the rock!
Wait, what did you think I was going to say?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cymgeg/what_does_kevin_hart_have_in_common_with_paul/
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My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cymcna/my_wife_told_me_if_anything_happens_to_me_i_want/
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People really misuse the word 'chivalry'

They think its politeness towards women. It's actually not. I looked it up online, and only some of it is about respect and politeness. The rest of it is about medieval battle etiquette.
The other day I didn't hold the door for a woman. She proceeded to say,"I guess chivalry's dead". So, I challenged her to a duel. Turns out I'm the better jouster. So, chivalry isn't dead. But that woman is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cymanq/people_really_misuse_the_word_chivalry/
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I organized a threesome last night!

There were a couple of no-shows, but I had a good time anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cymajn/i_organized_a_threesome_last_night/
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cym7ge/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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Found a way to get your IQ to 150 points

Start at 200 and visit reddit daily for a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cym21g/found_a_way_to_get_your_iq_to_150_points/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

His wife is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cylsuv/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
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Why is the letter B so cool?

Because it sits right in the middle of AC!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cylqjk/why_is_the_letter_b_so_cool/
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A doctor comes into a patient and says, "I've good news and I've bad news."

The patient says, "Give me the good news first."
The doctor replies, "The good news is that you get to name a newly-discovered disease."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cylncg/a_doctor_comes_into_a_patient_and_says_ive_good/
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Why did the chicken go to the far away playground?

To get to the other slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cylm4z/why_did_the_chicken_go_to_the_far_away_playground/
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A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.
By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a sudden chill. A moment later his stomach started to rumble and immediately he knew he had to find the nearest bathroom.
Unfortunately for him, he went to the city during the campaign season, and the marketplace was crowded more than usual because a politician was campaigning at the center of the marketplace. The line to the bathroom was long. Too long for him to wait through so he took a plastic bag from his backpack, looked for a quiet, secluded corner and did the deed.
Meanwhile, the politician was busy giving his speech. He stood on a makeshift stage, beside him was a weighing scale.
"I promise everyone here..." he said, "...whatever you have bought be it fish, rice, vegetables...if it does not weigh at least a kilogram I shall personally add to that so that none of you here will leave with less than a kilogram of groceries."
The crowd cheered and the politician smirked as he looked at the crowd. "Winning this election is going to be easy." he thought. From the corner of his eye, he spotted the man leaving a dark alleyway holding a small plastic bag. "You there!" he yelled at the man "Come up here and join me on-stage". The man was confused but he reluctantly agreed and went up.
"Would you kindly place that plastic bag on this scale." he told the man. The man promptly placed the small plastic bag on the scale and it didn't even come close to registering a kilogram. "As you can see..." yelled the politician to the crowd as he lifted the plastic bag. "...this bag weighs less than a kilogram!" The crowd cheered as the politician raised the plastic bag. "Let us see what this man had bought, so that I may give him more!" The crowd cheered once more as the politician put his hand inside the plastic bag. He had a look of confusion as he tried to figure out what it was that his hand was holding. Then confusion turned to disgust as he looked inside and saw the man's crap.
"This is crap!" the politician yelled "Take this man away!" he ordered his bodyguards who then took the man aside and beat him up.
Tired, beaten and dejected the man took the bus back home to his province. When he arrived he saw his friend who was surprised to see him back so soon. "You're back already!?" his friend said. "How did your visit to the city go?" he asked. "Not so good my friend." the man answered. "They have very weird customs there...apparently if your shit doesn't weigh at least a kilogram you get beat up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyljws/a_man_born_and_raised_in_the_province_decided_to/
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Little Guy

Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women. The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket. The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger. Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while. The barman went over and asked the guy what was up. So the rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rub it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy. Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both." The barman asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?" "Oh, that," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cylcip/little_guy/
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What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyl773/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
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When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!
Too soon?
EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!
EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyl724/when_i_heard_that_kevin_hart_was_injured_in_a_car/
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I tried to join a club for the directionally challenged

I couldn't find the meeting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyl5tj/i_tried_to_join_a_club_for_the_directionally/
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They all laughed at me when I told them I would one day discover the secret to invisibility

If only they could see me now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyks2b/they_all_laughed_at_me_when_i_told_them_i_would/
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School shooters

I just dont like school shooting jokes i dont know why.
Mabey its just because they're aimed at kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyko30/school_shooters/
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Try to avoid messing with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyklrc/try_to_avoid_messing_with_asexual_people/
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I got attacked by the Phantom Masturbator

I never saw him coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cykg20/i_got_attacked_by_the_phantom_masturbator/
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A thief has been running around stealing car tires.

The police have been working tirelessly to catch him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cykcqj/a_thief_has_been_running_around_stealing_car_tires/
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I asked my brother if there was any food left and he said "Only if you can time travel."

So I went back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyk9gf/i_asked_my_brother_if_there_was_any_food_left_and/
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A guy goes to the doctor needing blood for his disease, the doctor sadly tells him there is only one blood type available for him and they are all out. The patient, worried asks if he is going to survive. The doctor says he isn’t sure, the patient asks isn’t there anything I can do?

The doctor looks around the room then whispers, “you can steal b positive”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyk026/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_needing_blood_for_his/
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A monocle walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyjwu0/a_monocle_walks_into_a_bar/
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A nurse reaches into her pocket

and pulls out a rectal thermometer.
"Oh, great. Some asshole's got my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyjr36/a_nurse_reaches_into_her_pocket/
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What’s the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyjp58/whats_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
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I have a dog with no legs, I named him cigarette

Because every evening when i get home from school i take him for a drag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyjhcd/i_have_a_dog_with_no_legs_i_named_him_cigarette/
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A multi part joke my dad used to tell.

Why did the turtle cross the road ?
To get to the Shell station.
Why did the turtle go to the Shell station?
He needed Turtle Wax.
Why did the turtle need Turtle Wax?
He wanted to camouflage his shell.
Why did the turtle want to camouflage his shell?
He wanted to hide in your refrigerator.
Ever seen a turtle in your refrigerator?
Works pretty good doesn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyjecl/a_multi_part_joke_my_dad_used_to_tell/
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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem...

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after  they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man  would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called  all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man....
She explained that all these lip prints were causing major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To  demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked  the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyjdi3/according_to_a_news_report_a_certain_private/
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A nun was out fishing and caught a huge fish for supper...

A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!"  The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".
So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught."  The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".  So the mother superior
said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it."  While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught."  The monsignor said "Mother
superior you shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".
So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it".
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said  "Wow what a nice fish".   And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish."  And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish".  And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish".  And the new priest said: "I like this fucking place already!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyj6id/a_nun_was_out_fishing_and_caught_a_huge_fish_for/
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A bunch of inmates have been in the same cells for years

A newcomer is escorted to a cell by three heavily armed guards. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he notices he has a cellmate. All of a sudden, someone shouts, "71!" Everybody in the prison starts cracking up.
The newcomer asks his cellmate why they were all laughing. He responds, "After a while, we all memorized all the jokes. So we assigned numbers to them. Now whenever we want to tell a joke, we simply shout a number, and everyone knows what joke it is."
Someone shouts, "66!" and this time the new guy laughs with them. He asks his cellmate if he can try.
"Sure, go ahead," his cellmate responds.
"103!" shouts the guy. Instead of laughter, however, he gets only groans. "Was that not a funny joke?" he asked the cellmate.
"No, it was," he responded. "But you told it wrong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyj1p6/a_bunch_of_inmates_have_been_in_the_same_cells/
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I overdosed on viagra

I'm ok... My wife took it pretty hard though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyizkz/i_overdosed_on_viagra/
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Moses walks up the the Pharaoh and says "Let my people go!"

The Pharaoh replies, "no way!"
Moses says, "Yahweh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyiwtn/moses_walks_up_the_the_pharaoh_and_says_let_my/
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Jeremy the baker had a lot of robberies in the past ten years

But this one takes the cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyinhy/jeremy_the_baker_had_a_lot_of_robberies_in_the/
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A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyiltb/a_sweater_i_bought_was_picking_up_static/
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My friend made it his life’s mission to fight poverty.

He wrestles homeless people every weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyil60/my_friend_made_it_his_lifes_mission_to_fight/
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About that hurricane Dorian...

If it gets anymore major than this, we’ll have to rename it Ionian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyi6m2/about_that_hurricane_dorian/
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My wife called me a misogynist

I turned to her and said “Now where’d a pretty thing like you learn a big word like that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyhse6/my_wife_called_me_a_misogynist/
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"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyhr3z/dad_can_you_tell_me_what_a_solar_eclipse_is/
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A guy goes to the pet store to purchase 12 bees.

The clerk goes and get the bees and comes back. The guy is counting his bees and says,
"Wait, there are 13 bees in here!"
The clerk responds,
"Oh were having a special, that one is a freebee"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyhnh9/a_guy_goes_to_the_pet_store_to_purchase_12_bees/
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All crime should be punished, no exceptions. That is why I called the cops on my cat after she gave birth to kittens. Now don’t judge me for doing what had to be done, we all know

*littering* is a crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyhm08/all_crime_should_be_punished_no_exceptions_that/
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Clean toilet

A wife and husband have been married for 50 years and their fights never last because the wife never stayed mad longer than a day. One day the husband asks the wife why she never stays mad at him.
She smiles and says that whenever she still felt angry she would go upstairs and clean the toilet.
He was puzzled.
How did that help?
I used your toothbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyhl5v/clean_toilet/
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I hate when my leg falls asleep during the day

Now it's going to be up all night!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyhdfi/i_hate_when_my_leg_falls_asleep_during_the_day/
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Ant suicide

So i saw two ants crawling into a box full of rat poison...
I guess they were committing PESTICIDE
ok i'll leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyhagb/ant_suicide/
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I remember the first time I went to my girlfriends house and her dad didn’t let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he’s very attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyh91f/i_remember_the_first_time_i_went_to_my/
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Yo' mama's so crazy...

whenever she runs , she takes a psycho-path

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyh1uf/yo_mamas_so_crazy/
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Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant

Their legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cygyhb/scientists_have_proven_that_there_are_two_things/
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Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.
I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.
But then it hit me: What have I done? I spent all our family savings on one stupid apple!
Feeling horrible, I went ahead and cleaned up the apple: with the hopes that the seller will buy it back from me.
He saw the apple and said: wow, that's such a nice apple. I'd give you a dollar for that.
That was my a-ha moment, grasshoppers.
I took that dollar and bought 2 dirty apples with it. Cleaned them very well for an hour, and sold them for 2 dollars.
I was off to races.
In 14 days my business performed beyond wildest expectations: I netted a solid 256$.
Then on the 15th day the uncle of my wife in Dubai passed away and left us two billion dollars of cash inheritance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cygvcj/foolproof_how_i_became_a_billionnaire_in_just_15/
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What's a cow's favorite coffee?

Decalf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cygtir/whats_a_cows_favorite_coffee/
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Did you hear about the experiment where they shot people of different race out of a cannon?

I heard it passed with flying colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cygmj5/did_you_hear_about_the_experiment_where_they_shot/
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Rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub...

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught?'
‘You're the eighth.‘

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cygl6g/rain_was_pouring_and_there_was_a_big_puddle_in/
%
Why was the cannibal lion so humble?

He swallowed his pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cygl5v/why_was_the_cannibal_lion_so_humble/
%
My parents were just telling me "You'll never know true happiness if you don't get married."

Me: Yep You never know what you've got till it's gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyghko/my_parents_were_just_telling_me_youll_never_know/
%
My wife asked me if it was like having sex with a different woman since she put on some weight.

I said, not at all honey, it's more like having sex with two different women!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cygh4u/my_wife_asked_me_if_it_was_like_having_sex_with_a/
%
What's higher than the sky and lower than the sea?

The Netherlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cygcgd/whats_higher_than_the_sky_and_lower_than_the_sea/
%
Turns out a vasectomy doesn't necessarily stop you having a child.

It just changed the colour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyg9o5/turns_out_a_vasectomy_doesnt_necessarily_stop_you/
%
What do you call a Phoenix that can't fly?

Joaquin Phoenix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyg97d/what_do_you_call_a_phoenix_that_cant_fly/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a deer joke,

I’d have a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyg1ma/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_ive_heard_a_deer/
%
When a dolphin hits his cousin, is it accidental

or on porpoise?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyg0ru/when_a_dolphin_hits_his_cousin_is_it_accidental/
%
What’s better than roses on the piano?

Tulips on my organ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyfwkq/whats_better_than_roses_on_the_piano/
%
A father and son go on a nature expedition in Alaska.

On their first day, they meet their guide who gives them a rundown of everything they can expect during their trip. During the conversation, the son notices a very large caliber pistol strapped to the ranger's side. "Wow, that's a big pistol" he comments, "What do you use it for?" "Well son, this is my bear pistol" the guide explains, drawing the weapon to show to the pair, "In case we get attacked by a grizzly out there and we can't scare him off, this will be my last resort as a defense." As he examined the pistol, the son noticed that the sight on the barrel was filed down so the barrel was smooth. "And why is the sight filed down?" he asked. "That's easy", replied the ranger, "That's so after you shoot the bear, it doesn't hurt as much when he takes the gun from you and shoves it up your ass."
This is an actual conversation my father and I had with a park ranger in Alaska.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyfuhf/a_father_and_son_go_on_a_nature_expedition_in/
%
Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.

After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyfo9l/dont_order_hay_for_your_horse_off_amazon/
%
What's big, gray, and sings jazz?

Elephantzgerald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyflua/whats_big_gray_and_sings_jazz/
%
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office.

I will find you. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyfh46/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office/
%
My dad told me to stop petting the cat because its claws were starting to dig into his skin.

I kept petting the cat. Who am I to stop this poor soul from getting what it kneads?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyffzi/my_dad_told_me_to_stop_petting_the_cat_because/
%
What do you call a cow with epilepsy?

Beef Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyfcoi/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_epilepsy/
%
I wanted to upset an Italian friend

So I broke some spaghetti in front of him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyfbgh/i_wanted_to_upset_an_italian_friend/
%
I told my roommate, "I just reminded my neighbor 6 times to take his cat with him when he moves tomorrow." My roommate replied, " That's just your dementia."

Ha, joke's on her. I remember all 3 times I told him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyfbes/i_told_my_roommate_i_just_reminded_my_neighbor_6/
%
I regret staring at that girl's butt.

That's hindsight for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyfasr/i_regret_staring_at_that_girls_butt/
%
You guys hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyf97z/you_guys_hear_about_the_fire_at_the_circus/
%
How do archers travel?

By arrowplane of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyf824/how_do_archers_travel/
%
An old couple has decided to take their vacation in a foreign land

They've made a tight itinerary so they can see everything and left their valuables behind to keep safe. Unfortunately, neither thought to bring a watch. Worried about their schedule, they spot a man sitting next to a donkey and ask him the time. He happily assures them he can help.
Reaching under the donkey he lifts its testicles, peers under, and tells them the time. They're both amazed, thank him, and are on their way. They return twice more to the man and on the third visit they can't stand it anymore, "How the hell can you tell the time so well with a donkey!?"
"Come, sit here, I'll show you how it's done," he beckons one of the two over and they take his seat. "Gently cup the donkey's balls and look under." Reluctantly, they follow directions. "Now, do you see the clock tower?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyf5wj/an_old_couple_has_decided_to_take_their_vacation/
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What do you call a woman who recently had an abortion?

Pregnain't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyf2vl/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_recently_had_an/
%
How do you get 50 old ladies to say the"F" word?

Yell,"BINGO"
How do you get them to say it twice?
Yell,"Oops,Sorry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyewwi/how_do_you_get_50_old_ladies_to_say_thef_word/
%
A drunk staggered into a Catholic church

He entered a confessional booth, sat down and said nothing.  The priest coughed a few times to get his attention, but the man stayed silent.  Finally the priest knocked loudly on the wall three times.  The drunk mumbled "Ain't no use in knocking, there's no paper on this side either"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyerhm/a_drunk_staggered_into_a_catholic_church/
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Why was the Loch Ness monster so surprised when she got a love letter from her crush?

She thought he didn’t even know she existed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyepbx/why_was_the_loch_ness_monster_so_surprised_when/
%
Why shouldn’t you have pets in Spain ?

Because you can’t leave your Catalonia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyeomo/why_shouldnt_you_have_pets_in_spain/
%
A man was robbing a house

He snuck in at the dead of night, the owners weren’t home. Good. He started to clear the expensive stuff off the shelves in the living room, he reached for an expensive-looking pen on display when he heard a distant voice whisper “Jesus is watching you”
Startled, he looked around yet saw no one and concluded that he was just hearing things. Later, he crept into a study and found a safe behind a picture. As he was cracking it he heard the voice yet again whisper from far away, “Jesus really watching you”
Now really concerned, he stopped what he was doing and crept around the house to check everywhere for the source of this voice. Yet he found nothing.
So he made a mental note to check with a therapist and was about to go to continue stealing until he heard the voice right behind him say, “Jesus is seriously watching you, stop now before you go too far for redemption”
The man spun around and saw a parrot in a cage looking at him dead in the eye. The man said: “So you are the voice who kept saying that, why?”
“To save you” replies the parrot
“Well I already stole before so I much doubt I’m going to heaven,” said the man. He then decided to leave but heard a low yet ominous growling coming from right behind him
“Seems like you’ll see whether that’s right sooner than you thought” The parrot said “Jesus is our dog”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyenp5/a_man_was_robbing_a_house/
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I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day.

We just... I don't know. We just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyek8l/i_had_a_great_conversation_with_a_dolphin_the/
%
What do you call a cow having a seizure?

A milkshake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyebot/what_do_you_call_a_cow_having_a_seizure/
%
A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.
After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes up, takes one last look around, flicks his tail over his shoulder and leaves the taproom.
A man at the bar has been watching the whole time and turns to the barman in amazement. "I've never seen anything like that before," he says. "Who was that?"
"Surprised you never heard of him," answered the barman. "That was Adjustin' Beaver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cye6bh/a_large_semiaquatic_rodent_with_webbed_hind_feet/
%
what did the cop call the other cop he liked?

his brother in law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cye3s8/what_did_the_cop_call_the_other_cop_he_liked/
%
Dr Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition and discovered....

he had seriously misunderstood the objective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cydrw9/dr_frankenstein_entered_a_bodybuilding/
%
MY SPANISH FRIENDS THINK IM COOL

I moved into a Spanish neighborhood and immediately hit it off with them. They think im so cool they nicknamed me coolo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cydptz/my_spanish_friends_think_im_cool/
%
I’m a little sad that my old HP printer died on me today.

It was like a Brother to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cydn7q/im_a_little_sad_that_my_old_hp_printer_died_on_me/
%
How do french werewolves say goodbye?

Awooo Revoir!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cydkje/how_do_french_werewolves_say_goodbye/
%
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?

Artificial Swedener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cydh4h/what_do_you_call_someone_who_immigrated_to_sweden/
%
I once visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...

I asked him, "Are you the friar?"
He said, "No, I'm the chip monk.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cydg9a/i_once_visited_a_monastery_and_as_i_walked_past/
%
How does an accountant get rid of constipation?

He works it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cydcmt/how_does_an_accountant_get_rid_of_constipation/
%
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I ?

Ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyd69w/i_have_six_eyes_two_mouths_and_three_ears_what_am/
%
Why did the condom fly across the room?

Because it was pissed off))

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyd4ev/why_did_the_condom_fly_across_the_room/
%
What do you call a baby who’s parents are siblings?

An Alabamination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyd48s/what_do_you_call_a_baby_whos_parents_are_siblings/
%
...failed because of poor vocabulary.

...didn't know what to say!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyd3d7/failed_because_of_poor_vocabulary/
%
You shouldn’t drink turpentine

Even though it’s a pallet cleanser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyd2pa/you_shouldnt_drink_turpentine/
%
I'm a Jehovah's Witness and I need help.

The door is locked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyd0lv/im_a_jehovahs_witness_and_i_need_help/
%
A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.
"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"
The wife smiled and said, "That's money from all the bonnets I sold."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyctbz/a_couple_have_been_married_25_years_and_one_day/
%
What’s the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?

One less drunk at the Irish funeral!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cycrpk/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_funeral_and/
%
"Every naked person I see turns me on"

Said the shower head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cycoj1/every_naked_person_i_see_turns_me_on/
%
What does the Secret Service say when someone throws something at the President?

Donald, duck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cychz5/what_does_the_secret_service_say_when_someone/
%
In Germany it’s frowned upon to manhunt people named Kyle

It’s in poor taste to seek Kyle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyce11/in_germany_its_frowned_upon_to_manhunt_people/
%
Which ancient Egyptian chancellor spoke his mind most frankly when in court?

IMHOtep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyc9xn/which_ancient_egyptian_chancellor_spoke_his_mind/
%
The clearance bird.

A lady walks into a pet store.
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?"
The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things."
The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking."
The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight."
The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyc702/the_clearance_bird/
%
Took my brother to the aquarium and threw him in the shark tank

He came back out with a $500,000 investment
(I know this is absolutely not funny but it came to me in a dream)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyc14d/took_my_brother_to_the_aquarium_and_threw_him_in/
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What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging out next to a window?

curtain rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyc0p0/what_do_you_call_two_guys_with_no_arms_and_no/
%
I have just been reading into the JFK assassination...

it was Mindblowing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cybzjw/i_have_just_been_reading_into_the_jfk/
%
I can’t believe it, someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.

Seriously though, how low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cybwlq/i_cant_believe_it_someone_broke_into_my_garage/
%
A man, a jar and a dog.

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to
the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.He
approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the
keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to
pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the
jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to
drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't
make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back
with a bad tooth. You have to remove
that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care
of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd
have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn
tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream down
both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the
people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight
-then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cybvj0/a_man_a_jar_and_a_dog/
%
I know a guy who writes reviews of hippopotamuses despite the fact he always told me he was against rating animals.

He’s a hippo-crit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cybodx/i_know_a_guy_who_writes_reviews_of_hippopotamuses/
%
Today I got called into HR after telling a colleague to eat my ass.

I got off with a warning after explaining that I meant it tongue-in-cheek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cybjlv/today_i_got_called_into_hr_after_telling_a/
%
Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cybgzm/pick_up_lines_girl_are_you_a_microwave/
%
Two hunters are walking through the woods

One hunter falls down, hits his head on a rock and gets knocked out. The other hunter freaks out and calls 911. When the operator picks up, the hunter says "Help! My friend fell down and hit his head on a rock. He's not moving! I think he's dead!" The operator says, "Okay calm down sir. Before we send someone out, let’s make sure he's dead." The hunter says okay and puts down the phone. After a few seconds the operator hears a gun shot. The hunter picks up the phone, "Okay now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cybfyk/two_hunters_are_walking_through_the_woods/
%
My mom and dad are stars on pornhub.

Can't wait to see their faces when they find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyb789/my_mom_and_dad_are_stars_on_pornhub/
%
I saw a kid did not stand at school for his National anthem

On seeing this I was angry and I kicked him out of his wheel chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyb5il/i_saw_a_kid_did_not_stand_at_school_for_his/
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Some Kids Are Just Nuts...

In the kindergarten, the teacher was helping a boy with putting on his boots. They were so hard to put on, that the teacher couldn't take less than one minute to put one of them.
The teacher was just about to be done putting on the first boot, when the kid said:
\- You're putting the wrong boot!
The teacher looked at it, noticed her mistake and took off the boot to put it again. After putting on the first boot and starting to put the other one, the kid said:
\- Do you know these boots are not mine?
The teacher stopped putting the second boot, then she took off the first one. She asked:
\- If they aren't yours, whose are the boots?
\- They're my brother's! My mom forced me to bring them!
The teacher began to put on the boots again. After she got really tired, she could finally do it. She said:
\- I'm done with the boots, where are your gloves?
\- I put them in the boots!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyb3cd/some_kids_are_just_nuts/
%
Two TV wine tasters trying to out do each other

Food and drink show on TV doing a wine feature with 2 tasters being given a blind tasting. Both hate each other and are desperate to show off
The first taster takes a sip and says "oh this is clearly French, from the Rhone Valley"
The second cuts across him to say "Well, obviously, it's a Cote Du Rhone, you can taste the Grenache, unmistakable"
"Ah" says the first "it's not just a Cote Du Rhone, its clearly Chateauneuf Du Pape and if I'm not mistaken it's from Chateau Rayas"
"Of course its obviously from The Rayas Estate" says the second taster in reply "the North facing vineyard, to the eastern side. Quite clearly"
Determined not to be out done by his rival, the first taster takes another sip and slurps it carefully while he thinks of something more to say ... "Jaques has been peeing on the vines again"
After swallowing his sip and without missing a beat, the second taster says "and he's back on the brandy too"
A very old joke from my childhood, thanks Mum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyasv6/two_tv_wine_tasters_trying_to_out_do_each_other/
%
When two vegans have an argument...

...is it still call a beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyasud/when_two_vegans_have_an_argument/
%
As a father I’ve learned how important it is to have a pet in your home while raising children.

Not because it teaches kids responsibility or anything but because it makes asking who shit on the floor a lot less awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyaolq/as_a_father_ive_learned_how_important_it_is_to/
%
A man walks out of a convenience store

A woman carrying an infant walks up to him.
"Could you spare some money sir, my child hasn't eaten in two days!"
The man replied, "Three days actually."
"What do you mean?"
"Don't you remember? You've told me this yesterday as well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyalhv/a_man_walks_out_of_a_convenience_store/
%
An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irish man are running away from a murder

They run into a bar and say to the bartender “quick, we need somewhere to hide, there’s a man trying to kill us!”
The bartender says “there are some sacks in the cellar, hide in them, just pretend to be what was in them before you emptied them.”
So they run downstairs to hide in the sacks.
Then the murderer comes in, after looking in the bar, he heads to the cellar. He sees the suspicious looking sacks and he kicks the first sack.
The English man shouts “woof woof”.
The murderer goes “ok it’s just a dog”. Then he kicks the second bag.
The Scotsman says “meowwww”
The murderer says to himself “just a cat.” And he moves on to the last sack.
When he kicks that one, the Irish man shouts “POTATOES!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cyadti/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irish_man_are/
%
My crippled girlfriend broke up with me, so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cya9xi/my_crippled_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i/
%
What do you call a parrot in a raincoat?

Polyunsaturated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cya5d0/what_do_you_call_a_parrot_in_a_raincoat/
%
I told my friend my wife is pregnant again.

He said he wouldn’t trust me to pull out of the driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cya1we/i_told_my_friend_my_wife_is_pregnant_again/
%
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cya1m6/a_young_mexican_man_named_jose_was_curious_about/
%
What’s the difference between my puns & pizza...?

My puns can’t be topped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy9yxx/whats_the_difference_between_my_puns_pizza/
%
What do you call two people who masturbate together by internet ?

An online meating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy9r4a/what_do_you_call_two_people_who_masturbate/
%
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill...

So I sent him a "Get well soon" card!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy9otj/my_friend_couldnt_afford_to_pay_his_water_bill/
%
Why was the anti-vaxxers 2 year old crying?

Mid-Life Crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy9ngb/why_was_the_antivaxxers_2_year_old_crying/
%
What is a gamers favourite fish

Cod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy9g7g/what_is_a_gamers_favourite_fish/
%
A penis has a sad life!

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy9g7b/a_penis_has_a_sad_life/
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A sadist, masochist, arsonist and a murderer are sitting in a park next to each other.

A cat walks by and the murderer's instincts kick in:
"Lets kill the fucking cat!"
The sadist immediately disagrees:
"No lets torture it and THEN kill it!"
Arsonist chimes in:
"No! Come on you guys, lets torture it burn all its fur and THEN kill it!"
The masochist who was silent through all of this looks at all three of them:
"Meow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy9d91/a_sadist_masochist_arsonist_and_a_murderer_are/
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When looking at rocks, what does Sherlock say?

It’s Sedimentary my dear Watson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy96g0/when_looking_at_rocks_what_does_sherlock_say/
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How many Bald Men does it take to fix a light bulb

47

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy94ss/how_many_bald_men_does_it_take_to_fix_a_light_bulb/
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A naturopathic doctor opens up a wellness clinic

He puts a sign outside that says 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the bill): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy92wk/a_naturopathic_doctor_opens_up_a_wellness_clinic/
%
My girlfriend stepped on the scales recently and asked me to guess what they said.

I said "One at a time please"?
She was not amused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy92pv/my_girlfriend_stepped_on_the_scales_recently_and/
%
I saw a rating on Yelp for Orion's belt

It was only 3 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy919e/i_saw_a_rating_on_yelp_for_orions_belt/
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What do you get when you perform an organ transplant

A liver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy8y29/what_do_you_get_when_you_perform_an_organ/
%
I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy8v94/i_remember_when_was_a_kid_i_could_go_to_the_store/
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A guy sees a sign in a window of a house that reads,"talking dog for sale."

Intrigued,he walks in.
"So,what have you done with your life?"He asks the dog.
"I've lived a very full life,"says the dog."I've lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims.Then I served my country in Iraq.And now I spend my days reading to elderly people in a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted.He asks the dogs owner,"Why on Earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible dog like that?"
The owner replies,"The dog is a liar.He never done any of that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy8s4l/a_guy_sees_a_sign_in_a_window_of_a_house_that/
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My psychiatrist sent me the bill for diagnosing me with schizophrenia.

I think we'll split the cost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy8o26/my_psychiatrist_sent_me_the_bill_for_diagnosing/
%
Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy8nhh/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_playground/
%
A woman in Germany is Skinny-Dipping in a lake...

A woman in Germany is skinny dipping in a local lake, when she notices a police officer waving to her from the bank. "Excuse me, Fräulein," he says. "You can't swim in this lake. It's illegal."
Mortified, the woman says, "Couldn't you have told me that before I stripped naked?!"
The officer replies, "Stripping naked isn't illegal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy8mm6/a_woman_in_germany_is_skinnydipping_in_a_lake/
%
Did you hear about the female rapper, who only battled when she was on her period?

They said she had a mean flow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy8lhz/did_you_hear_about_the_female_rapper_who_only/
%
I got food poisoning the other day

I don't know when I'm gonna use it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy8kqy/i_got_food_poisoning_the_other_day/
%
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
"Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy8fnn/at_a_winery_the_regular_taster_died_and_the/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."
The Russian slowly shakes his head, "My friends, they are definitely Russian. No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat and they are told this is paradise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy8e41/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_a_russian_are/
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If you found the best hiding spot.

You haven't found the best hiding spot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy8bl8/if_you_found_the_best_hiding_spot/
%
Last time when I was someone's type..

I was donating blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy8bk3/last_time_when_i_was_someones_type/
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What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?

A drizzly bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy89jc/what_do_you_call_a_bear_thats_stuck_out_in_the/
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I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..

I ended up dying inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy877j/i_accidentally_drank_a_little_food_coloring/
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Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "
An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:
" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "
Italian: " Hey, wassup lady??? I just tella my friend, how to spella Mississippi....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy7uph/two_italians_enter_the_bus_in_new_york_and_start/
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My Therapist: Get rid of all the people in your life that cause you trouble.

Me: Last time I tried that y'all put me on suicide watch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy7sgq/my_therapist_get_rid_of_all_the_people_in_your/
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Why do women say men can't multitask?

I'll have you know I can look at my phone and piss all over the seat at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy7qm3/why_do_women_say_men_cant_multitask/
%
Why can't stevie wonder see his friends?

Because he's married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy7q61/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
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A family is having dinner at the table one evening when the son asks the father, “Dad, how many different kinds of breasts are there?”

The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering, “Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears – still nice but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions.”
The son is confused and asks, “Onions?”
The father replies, “Yes – you see them and they make you cry.”
The wife and daughter are really annoyed by what their father has said, so the daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch – flexible but reliable. But after 50, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
The daughter laughs and asks, “A Christmas tree?”
The mother replies, “Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy7muw/a_family_is_having_dinner_at_the_table_one/
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How do you confuse an Archeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask which period it's from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy7mh9/how_do_you_confuse_an_archeologist/
%
In my math class I feel so irrelevant.

It's like I'm not counting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy7mg9/in_my_math_class_i_feel_so_irrelevant/
%
Two tomatoes finally reunite after a long time...

They catch up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy7l2v/two_tomatoes_finally_reunite_after_a_long_time/
%
I've asked my dad when it's the best time to have sex with a girl

He told me
- After she finishes a school
Apparently 3PM is not what he meant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy7fdq/ive_asked_my_dad_when_its_the_best_time_to_have/
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Two chemists walk in a bar...

The bartender asks "What'll you have?".
The first chemist says "I'll have some H2O".
The second chemist says "That sounds good, I'll have some H2O too!".
The first chemist drinks his water.
The second chemist dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy7exb/two_chemists_walk_in_a_bar/
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Viagra is great for sunburn!

Take it before you go to bed at night, and it keeps the sheets off your skin and stops you rolling over in bed too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy79pq/viagra_is_great_for_sunburn/
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Being on reddit for 3 years has taught me one thing

Im gonna get ol'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy7734/being_on_reddit_for_3_years_has_taught_me_one/
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I always have that dream being in a fake taxi with Charlie Brown.

It's driving me nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy7094/i_always_have_that_dream_being_in_a_fake_taxi/
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A woman goes to a gynecologist...

A woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor lies down on the floor and waves to the patient.
"Come on, young lady, walk over me slowly and with your legs apart!"
The patient is of course a bit surprised.
The receptionist says: "You don't have to think anything about it, the doctor has retrained. He used to be a car mechanic".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy6vgx/a_woman_goes_to_a_gynecologist/
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What's the best time for sex?

8:54 because it's 6 to 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy6tqe/whats_the_best_time_for_sex/
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My niece Sarah is obsessed with Frozen

My wife just said to me, "Sarah is a grown woman now. It's time for her to... let it go."
True story from 5 minutes ago.  I laughed.  Wanted to share it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy6t2z/my_niece_sarah_is_obsessed_with_frozen/
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Happy Palindrome Day.

9 1 1 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy6t1j/happy_palindrome_day/
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, assuming for purposes of argument that it is within the power of a woodchuck to chuck wood?

You woodn't believe it, but the woodchuck axeually started his own branch. Experts suggest he took the wrong root to success, however, sapping all growth from the market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy6k39/how_much_wood_would_a_woodchuck_chuck_assuming/
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My child is becoming addicted to water slides

I’m afraid she’s going down a slippery slope..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy6cil/my_child_is_becoming_addicted_to_water_slides/
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Did you know that all birds die directly after they have sex?

Well at least the one I fucked did..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy695z/did_you_know_that_all_birds_die_directly_after/
%
My son just came out gay to me today. I told him that as a traditional Alabama father that I cannot condone his lifestyle choice...

...but as his half-brother I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure he is happy as-is and allowed by the world to love who he desires.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy66w9/my_son_just_came_out_gay_to_me_today_i_told_him/
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A man is going 100 mph in his new car on the freeway

And a cop car starts to chase him with the sirens on
So the the man starts to go even faster until he realizes he should just stop.
When the cop comes up to his window he asks”Listen man it’s been a long day if you can give me a good excuse I’ll let you go”
So the man responds with “The thing is officer, that last week my wife left me for another man who is a cop, and when I saw you after me I panicked and stepped on the gas pedal because I thought you wanted to return her.
The cop had no other option but to let him go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy654g/a_man_is_going_100_mph_in_his_new_car_on_the/
%
Why did the man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy64x0/why_did_the_man_fall_in_the_well/
%
Did you guys hear about that Mexican stunt man that died.

At the funeral, his mom was crying at the director saying: “Jesus died for your scenes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy62mc/did_you_guys_hear_about_that_mexican_stunt_man/
%
Pirates are the best mathematicians

They always find X.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy62a5/pirates_are_the_best_mathematicians/
%
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker

so I told her to roll them tighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy5z9u/my_grandma_told_me_her_joints_are_getting_weaker/
%
A guy walk up to a bar with two women and says "you ladies from Scotland? They give him a dirty look and say "Wales"

"Oh I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy5yxg/a_guy_walk_up_to_a_bar_with_two_women_and_says/
%
I found an ATM receipt that had a balance of $441,180.03.

I took it home, photocopied it several times onto receipt paper. Now every time I see a hot girl at the bank, I 'accidentally' drop my balance receipt so she picks it up for me.
You should see the look of desire that flashes in their eyes for that brief moment.
Before I call her a gold digging whore, and drive away in my 10 year old pickup truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy5uf4/i_found_an_atm_receipt_that_had_a_balance_of/
%
I hate cliffhangers

They’re just so

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy5tl2/i_hate_cliffhangers/
%
What did the flirty paramedic say to the bleeding woman?

“Hey girl, what’s your type?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy5tih/what_did_the_flirty_paramedic_say_to_the_bleeding/
%
Did you hear about the computer that was thrown into the ocean?

It was a Dell rolling in the deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy5qh0/did_you_hear_about_the_computer_that_was_thrown/
%
People say Christmas is a Pagan holiday...

But a senior figure dispensing the contents of his sack to every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy5p2k/people_say_christmas_is_a_pagan_holiday/
%
I think my priest might be gay

He keeps saying “ah, men” at the end of every prayer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy5nw7/i_think_my_priest_might_be_gay/
%
I had to take my dog to AA the other day.

He couldn't control his licker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy5kiq/i_had_to_take_my_dog_to_aa_the_other_day/
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As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy5kbw/as_a_dyslexic_person_who_frequently_fails_to/
%
My blind girlfriend and I were having a debate about whether Jesus was a Jew...

....but i just can’t respect her views, since she is a not-see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy5h74/my_blind_girlfriend_and_i_were_having_a_debate/
%
A man asked another man, “What’s the term for when you ask a question without expecting an answer?”

The other man didn’t respond because it was rhetorical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy5e1y/a_man_asked_another_man_whats_the_term_for_when/
%
Guy gets home from work and says...

"Honey, can you grab me a beer before it starts."
She says "sure" and grabs him a beer.
He downs it and says "Honey, can I get another beer before it starts?"
She says "Sure" and grabs him a second.
He slams it and says "Honey, how about one more before it starts?"
She goes "BEFORE WHAT STARTS?"
"Aww shit, here we go again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy56l2/guy_gets_home_from_work_and_says/
%
A fish swam into a wall

He said Damn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy5391/a_fish_swam_into_a_wall/
%
On the 252nd day of the 31st year of your life, you turn one billion seconds old, but no one ever celebrates it.

Except for me. And that was a very lonely night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy4tuh/on_the_252nd_day_of_the_31st_year_of_your_life/
%
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?

They're, there, their.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy4rmo/what_do_you_say_to_comfort_an_english_teacher/
%
What would you do if all US currency turned in to cheese?

Personally I'd just start using a swiss bank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy4lz1/what_would_you_do_if_all_us_currency_turned_in_to/
%
What did the Frenchman say when he got hit by an egg?

Oeuf.
A dad joke for Australian fathers day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy4ka1/what_did_the_frenchman_say_when_he_got_hit_by_an/
%
Whats the opposite of Michael Jackson?

Michael jacks off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy4fvs/whats_the_opposite_of_michael_jackson/
%
Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy4fni/anyone_want_to_buy_a_broken_barometer/
%
My cousins are like the letter K.

They are ok by themselves, but get horribly racist when three of them get together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy4f37/my_cousins_are_like_the_letter_k/
%
A tall friend told me he can't stand sitting on long plane flights.

I told him most people can't stand sitting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy4cr7/a_tall_friend_told_me_he_cant_stand_sitting_on/
%
Prostitute and a Panda

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy4bwu/prostitute_and_a_panda/
%
What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy47t8/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_guy_trying_to_start_his/
%
I walk into a pet store

I say "can i have 12 bees"
The guy working gave me 13.
I responded "you gave me one too many"
He responded "the 13th one is a freebie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy3pug/i_walk_into_a_pet_store/
%
The police station was broken into last night and all the toilets were stolen....

Officers say they have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy3p8b/the_police_station_was_broken_into_last_night_and/
%
What do you call a real skinny dick?

A girth defect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy3kic/what_do_you_call_a_real_skinny_dick/
%
I was super worried, but then someone shoved dough, cheese and sauce into my head.

Now I have pizza mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy3izo/i_was_super_worried_but_then_someone_shoved_dough/
%
What do you call a person who always posts memes?

Depressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy3fei/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_always_posts_memes/
%
The Yorkshire ripper walks into a bar.

He asks the girl at the bar "hello darlin, can I get you a cocktail?"
"Yes please, I'll have a tequila sunrise" she says.
"No you won't" he replies angrily "you'll have a fucking screwdriver like the rest!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy3cuv/the_yorkshire_ripper_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a fish without eyes?

Blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy3byo/what_do_you_call_a_fish_without_eyes/
%
I just beat my wife at dominos again...

When will she learn that **I** choose the pizza toppings?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy30tx/i_just_beat_my_wife_at_dominos_again/
%
Snoop

Do you know why Snoop Dog carries an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy2xlu/snoop/
%
My three favourite things are...

Dick jokes and forgetting to use commas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy2uib/my_three_favourite_things_are/
%
Exactly 22 years ago Princess Diana was on the radio...

...She was also on the windshield, dashboard, and glovebox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy2suk/exactly_22_years_ago_princess_diana_was_on_the/
%
My friend bet me $100 I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy2o89/my_friend_bet_me_100_i_couldnt_make_a_car_out_of/
%
I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant!

Apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy2m9q/i_got_a_vasectomy_but_my_girlfriend_still_got/
%
Doug lived all of his life in the Florida Keys. On his deathbed, he realizes the end is imminent.

He calls his family to be near his side, along with his lawyer to record his last wishes.
"My son, Andy; you take the Ocean Reef houses. My daughter, Sybil, take the apartments between mile marker 100 and Tavernier. My son Jamie- I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the Bayside of Blackwater Sound".
The lawyer and the children are astounded as they had no idea of his extensive holdings. As Doug slips away, the lawyer says "Sarah, your husband must have been a hard working and shrewd man to have accumulated all of this property!".
The wife replies, "Property? The asshole had a paper route.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy2l72/doug_lived_all_of_his_life_in_the_florida_keys_on/
%
Why Can’t You Find 18 Protons and 22 Neutrons?

Because they argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy2e50/why_cant_you_find_18_protons_and_22_neutrons/
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Sammy adventures

Sammy has the day off from school and is bugging his mom.
Sammy: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.
Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.
So Sammy does what his mom told him and spends all day across the street. He comes home in time for dinner.
Mom: So Sammy, what did you learn today?
Sammy: Well, first the mason comes and pours the fucking slab, then the carpenter puts up the cocksucking frame, finally the interior guy shows up and finishes the goddamn drywall.
Mom: SAMMY! I'm going to whup your little butt. Go out back and fetch me a switch.
Sammy: Fuck you, that's the electrician's job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy2blg/sammy_adventures/
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My Ex called me

She asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I was a little concerned as I answered, “No.”
She said, “How about now?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy2ajz/my_ex_called_me/
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I told my wife not to get upset when people called her fat.

I said, "You're bigger than that”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy27kw/i_told_my_wife_not_to_get_upset_when_people/
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A friend of mine lost his leg hiking

He retraced his step but still couldn’t find it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy23pb/a_friend_of_mine_lost_his_leg_hiking/
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I watched 4 guys carry a coffin around a cemetery for an hour

Thought to myself, "well they've lost the plot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy1k4g/i_watched_4_guys_carry_a_coffin_around_a_cemetery/
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People told Beethoven he couldn't be a great musician because he was deaf

But did he listen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy1ck0/people_told_beethoven_he_couldnt_be_a_great/
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A young newlywed couple finally makes it back to the honeymoon suite.

As they started to undress, the groom takes off his socks and the bride sees these huge gnarly growths on the groom's toes.  She asks him what they were.
Groom says "When I was little I had a case of tolio." Bride says, "Don't you mean polio?".  "Nope, tolio" he replied.
Then he takes off his pants and the bride sees these huge growths on his knees.  When she asks what happens there
"When I was a little, I had a case of the kneasles", replied the groom.  "Don't you mean the measles?" Replied the bride.  "Nope, they were the kneasles!"
Finally, he drops his drawers and the bride looks down.  "Crap, I guess you had a case of small cox as well!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy1bho/a_young_newlywed_couple_finally_makes_it_back_to/
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An army ranger looks to a marine and asks if he wants to here a joke about how dumb Marines are

The marine replies "the guy sitting next to me is a marine and so is the guy sitting next him, are you sure you want to tell that joke"
The ranger thinks then says "nah I don't want to explain it three times"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy18sp/an_army_ranger_looks_to_a_marine_and_asks_if_he/
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Why was the tree afraid of acting?

He was afraid he’d dialogue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy17g0/why_was_the_tree_afraid_of_acting/
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I finally got my first Tesla.

No new car smell, but it does have an Elon Musk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy155r/i_finally_got_my_first_tesla/
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And for my next trick I will disappear

Fuck you pear you taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy0uiq/and_for_my_next_trick_i_will_disappear/
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I'd tell you a joke about planes

But it would just fly over your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy0qkq/id_tell_you_a_joke_about_planes/
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A little old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

The officer walks up to the car and after a quick greeting takes the documentation she has ready for him.
He notices a license to conceal carry a pistol and he asks, “Ma’am do you have a firearm in the vehicle?”
She replies, “Well yes sir, I do.” The officer smiles a little as this lady was no more than 5’ tall and 90 lbs. and had to be 90 years old.
“Ma’am, may I ask what type of firearm you have?”  “Well yes sir,” she replies, “I’ve got a 9mm in my purse, and I keep a .45 in the center console here, and I’ve also got a magnum in the glove compartment.”  The officer is taken back a little, “Is that it?” He asks half kidding.  “Well no, I do have a pistol grip shot gun in the trunk as well.”  The officer is really raising his eye brows at this point, and he asks, “Ma’am, what are you afraid of?”  The little old lady replies, “Not a fucking thing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy0no8/a_little_old_lady_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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American SWAT teams are like a box of chocolates.

They’ll both kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy0hdw/american_swat_teams_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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An Englishman was bringing monkeys to the zoo

On his way to the zoo his van breaks down. The monkeys really needed to get to the zoo so the Englishman calls his Irish friend Paddy.
Englishman: 'Paddy, I'll give you £50 if you take these monkeys to the zoo for me'
Paddy: 'Aye not a problem lad, I'll be right there'
So Paddy collects the monkeys and takes them to the zoo.
2 hours later and the Englishman is still waiting on the breakdown service, when suddenly, Paddy and the monkeys drive by on the motorway! So he calls Paddy again...
Englishman: 'Oi! I thought I gave you £50 to take the monkeys to the zoo!'
Paddy: 'Aye and I did! But I had some money left over so I'm taking them to the cinema now'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy0h0f/an_englishman_was_bringing_monkeys_to_the_zoo/
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It’s okay if you don’t know what “prefix” means.

It’s not the end of the word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy0akw/its_okay_if_you_dont_know_what_prefix_means/
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Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?

because they dilate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy08f6/why_are_eyes_always_the_last_organ_harvested/
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Cartoonist found dead in home.

Details are sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cy05ue/cartoonist_found_dead_in_home/
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A guy I know told me: "Men should always have the last words in an argument with their wife."

They are "Yes, Honey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxzw9i/a_guy_i_know_told_me_men_should_always_have_the/
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Why did the leader of the Soviet Union procrastinate?

Because he was always Stalin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxzv4g/why_did_the_leader_of_the_soviet_union/
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I saw two unborn fetuses making out.

So I said “would you two get a womb?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxztci/i_saw_two_unborn_fetuses_making_out/
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A cardiologist in a small town died

He was very well loved in the town, and every other doctor in the area came to his funeral. The doctor wanted to be cremated so there were a big red heart in one of the walls that open in half revealing a cremation oven behind and the casket was slowly entered into the oven through the open heart.
It was a beautiful affair, but marred by a man in the front row who couldn't stop laughing. After the ceremony, he apologized, wiping his eyes, "I'm so sorry, it's just, I've been imagining my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxzso6/a_cardiologist_in_a_small_town_died/
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How does candy laugh?

It snickers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxzmrz/how_does_candy_laugh/
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A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barkeep says, “You’re in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?”
The horse replies, “I don’t think I am,” and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes’ famous philosophy of ‘I think; therefore, I am”, but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxzkja/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_pint/
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I hate the smell of mothballs.

Spreading the little legs is always uncomfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxzk4p/i_hate_the_smell_of_mothballs/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxzih6/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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Two Baptist ministers were eating lunch when one went on and on about young people having sex before marriage. He said, “God forbids it. It is a sin and I didn’t have sex with my wife until our wedding night. How about you?”

The other minister thinks and then says, “I don’t think so, what was her maiden name?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxzggm/two_baptist_ministers_were_eating_lunch_when_one/
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Why don’t Native Americans like snow?

Because it’s white and settles on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxz9fs/why_dont_native_americans_like_snow/
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Why won't veegans eat eggs?

They are chicken.
Yeah I know, it is eggsasperating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxz6o0/why_wont_veegans_eat_eggs/
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A Blonde wife walks in to her living room and finds her blonde husband desperately looking for something.

He's moving furniture, checking in vents, simply looking in every nook and cranny of the living room. Perplexed the wife asks him what he is searching for.
"Hidden Cameras," the husband replies.
"Why!?" The wife asks totally boggled.
"Because the man on the tv knows what I'm doing. Every five minuites he says "you're watching the weather channel.""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxz5u8/a_blonde_wife_walks_in_to_her_living_room_and/
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I bought the president of Brazil an Apple TV for the holiday.

And all he got me was an Amazon fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxz49x/i_bought_the_president_of_brazil_an_apple_tv_for/
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My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm.

He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"
I replied, "Single-handedly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxz3ak/my_son_just_told_me_the_school_security_guard_got/
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A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.

The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxz0vl/a_shipment_of_viagra_was_hijacked_on_its_way_to/
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As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxyq3i/as_the_judge_sentenced_me_to_death_i_tried_to/
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Media has brainwashed my 3yo son.

He thinks Pikachu is the strongest Pokemon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxyq0r/media_has_brainwashed_my_3yo_son/
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A man once said to his son

Man: Never lend out your books
Son: why?
Man: Because all the books I have, I borrowed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxypz0/a_man_once_said_to_his_son/
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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart

It was simple.
Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxypjy/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_a_twin_people_asked_me/
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0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new Weighing Scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxymbg/0_to_200_in_6_seconds/
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I was recently attacked at a K-pop concert.

I now have BTSD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxyjbx/i_was_recently_attacked_at_a_kpop_concert/
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When inmates fall in love.

Do the finish each others sentences?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxyj3n/when_inmates_fall_in_love/
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New book out. It's called"Nude Beach" by

Sandy R. S. Hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxycdx/new_book_out_its_callednude_beach_by/
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A little boy sits in the bathtub

He begins to examine his testicles and asks his mom, "mommy, are these my brains?"
The mom said, "Not yet honey... But they will be."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxycdr/a_little_boy_sits_in_the_bathtub/
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A neutron walks into a bar...

...and enjoys a cold beer.  "Thanks," he says to the bartender.
"No charge," is the bartender's reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxyc08/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
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There were many knights at King Arthur's round table, but without a doubt the fattest was...

Sir Cumference.
He was known for eating too much pi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxy1bf/there_were_many_knights_at_king_arthurs_round/
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A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.... [Long]

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she gives him the best oral sex he's ever had.
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this.
He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats. "You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the women's tees all week!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxxwkx/a_fellow_has_a_week_off_and_decides_to_play_a/
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Why was Pavlov’s hair so messy?

Because he didn’t condition it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxxprr/why_was_pavlovs_hair_so_messy/
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Chicken and an egg are lying in bed. Chicken rolls over, lights up a smoke and says,

“Well, guess that answers that question.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxxjbr/chicken_and_an_egg_are_lying_in_bed_chicken_rolls/
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If you stroked Pinnocio's girlfriend's boobs...

It would give you splinters, wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxxi2v/if_you_stroked_pinnocios_girlfriends_boobs/
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What do you call it when you’re pooping in secret?

Shidden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxxhr9/what_do_you_call_it_when_youre_pooping_in_secret/
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My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf  d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxxhmj/my_wife_told_me_that_she_would_smash_my_face_into/
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Why was the employee fired for covering his employment terms with Clorox?

It was a bleach of contract

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxxcjo/why_was_the_employee_fired_for_covering_his/
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I broke up with my lazy-eyed girlfriend today.

I heard she was seeing people on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxx832/i_broke_up_with_my_lazyeyed_girlfriend_today/
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The doctor asked me "How much do you drink?"

Me - About 5-6 drinks
Doc - Oh. That's slightly more per week, but ok
Me - Ah, per week, then about 30
Doc - 30 beers per week?! That is too much!
Me - Oh. I have to count beers too?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxx4gx/the_doctor_asked_me_how_much_do_you_drink/
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What's the best time for sex?

8:54 because it's 6 to 9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxx3e5/whats_the_best_time_for_sex/
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what do you call a black man who flies a plane

A pilot you racist jerk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxwx6i/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_who_flies_a_plane/
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I realized that I get aroused when I read the last chapter of a novel.

I just came to the conclusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxw655/i_realized_that_i_get_aroused_when_i_read_the/
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A functional gun shoots

While a broke one needs troubleshooting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxw0sa/a_functional_gun_shoots/
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My friend asked me what I thought about my first day as a Hydrologist.

I told him I’m just testing the waters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxw0d7/my_friend_asked_me_what_i_thought_about_my_first/
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I recently made an impossible escape room and I’m extremely proud!

It’s called Student Loans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxw06l/i_recently_made_an_impossible_escape_room_and_im/
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The average couple argues 268 times a year...

It's actually 265, but try telling her that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxw05x/the_average_couple_argues_268_times_a_year/
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I invented a new word!

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxvtoj/i_invented_a_new_word/
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The worse thing during prostate exam is when you get an erection... And they realize...

"Hang on, you are not a real doctor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxvla3/the_worse_thing_during_prostate_exam_is_when_you/
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Life would be a lot more fun if

Whoever came up with the name "dentures", missed a golden opportunity to call them
"Substitooths"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxvkg6/life_would_be_a_lot_more_fun_if/
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The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and  ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time  after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck  pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken  piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they  began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had  the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
Astonishing!  said the truck driver to the crew chief. “What was the white stuff you  used to stick all the pieces together?”
Oh, that was tollgate booth  paste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxv3nj/the_driver_of_a_huge_trailer_lost_control_of_his/
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What did the psychopath say to the dismembered immortal?

You talk too much. Stop while you're a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxv2fb/what_did_the_psychopath_say_to_the_dismembered/
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An old Jewish man dies and goes to haven

An angel informs him that all those who lived a long and virtuous life and still believe in the creator get an audience with the Heavenly Father himself.  The man proudly says “I do” and he gets to meet God for 5 minutes.
He does not want to God to hear the same tired questions that he is sure all people are asking: the meaning of life and how true the Bible is etc. So he decides to tell God a joke. A joke about the Holocaust.
God does not even chuckle. He’s visibly displeased and says that it’s no laughing matter as his children died there :(
The old Jew shrugs and says: “I guess you had to be there...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxv2aq/an_old_jewish_man_dies_and_goes_to_haven/
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As a german you know What really grinds my gears?

When that fucker in the left Lane is only going 190 on the fucking autobahn you fucking disgrace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxv0y7/as_a_german_you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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Two blondes are driving to Disneyland

They see a sign that says “Disneyland left”
So they went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxuv9o/two_blondes_are_driving_to_disneyland/
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A woman goes into a greengrocers to buy some broccoli.

She looks all around the store, but can't see any broccoli anywhere, so she asks the grocer.
He replies, "I'm sorry, but we're out of broccoli today. Perhaps some cauliflower would do instead?"
The lady ponders for a moment. "No, I'm afraid cauliflower won't work. Two heads of broccoli, please."
The greengrocer is confused. "Ma'am, as I already said, we don't *have* any broccoli. We sold the last of it this morning. Would you be interested in a nice cabbage, or some green beans?"
"No, I don't want cabbage or green beans. I *need* two heads of broccoli. You must have *some* left."
Annoyed now, the greengrocer repeats that there is no broccoli to be had. Again, he is ignored by the persistent woman who insists that he produce some. Then, the grocer gets an idea.
"Ma'am, can you spell 'cat', as in 'catastrophe'?"
"Of course I can, C - A - T."
"Very good. Now, can you spell 'dog', as in 'dogmatic'?"
"D - O - G. Why?"
"Great. Just one more, can you spell 'fuck', as in 'broccoli'?"
"... There's no 'fuck' in broccoli!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxuth4/a_woman_goes_into_a_greengrocers_to_buy_some/
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An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"
The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."
Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."
Her husband raises his hand and says:
"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxutg4/an_elderly_woman_is_arrested_for_stealing_a_can/
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Dirty Riddle with Clean ending

What gets longer when pulled, fits cosy between breasts, slides into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly and works best when jerked?
A seat belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxusbb/dirty_riddle_with_clean_ending/
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A man suffering from terrible stress goes to a psychiatrist for help...

He sits on the couch and jitters nervously.
"What seems to be the problem," the Psychiatrist asks.
"Well Doc, I've been having these two reoccurring dreams for months, and they're really starting to worry me. I'm sleeping less because I'm scared and it's taking a toll on me"
"Interesting," the doc says, "and what are these two dreams?"
"Well," the man says, "in one dream I'm a teepee. And in the other I'm a wigwam."
"Ahhh," the doc says, " I see your problem...
You're two tents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxur6a/a_man_suffering_from_terrible_stress_goes_to_a/
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My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxup53/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_so_i_stole_her_wheelchair/
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3 Men die and go to Heaven.... And there are ducks everywhere

Saint Peter's there like "one rule: don't step on any ducks"
The first man steps on one duck and Saint Peter's brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this ugly girl for eternity!!!"
The second man doesn't step on a duck for 3 days but once he does Saint Peter's also brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will also be chained with an ugly girl for eternity!!!"
The third man has seen enough and months he tries his best not to step on a duck and tries to be as cautious as possible. After a year in Heaven Saint Peter's brings a pretty girl and he is chained with her for eternity.
Third man: How did I ever get chained with a pretty girl like you for eternity?
Pretty girl: I don't know but I stepped on a duck...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxunl2/3_men_die_and_go_to_heaven_and_there_are_ducks/
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Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.

Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxunha/albert_einstein_blaise_pascal_and_isaac_newton/
%
A group of pirates walked out of a strip club with disappointed looks on their faces.

They were hoping to find some booty, but all they got were sunken chests.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxumim/a_group_of_pirates_walked_out_of_a_strip_club/
%
I was hosting a gathering for my blonde girlfriend's birthday. I told her it was casual and when everyone arrived she appeared with her outfit around her ankles.

Everyone gasped.
"Blame my boyfriend," she explained, "He said dress down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxuf7d/i_was_hosting_a_gathering_for_my_blonde/
%
Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxub6n/why_dont_blind_people_like_to_go_skydiving/
%
A man died and went to heaven

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly white gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are those clocks for?"
St. Peter Answered "Those are lie clocks, everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time you lie your clock will move."
"Oh" said the man,  "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating she has never lied."
"Incredible" said the man
"And that's Abraham Lincoln's clock, the hand has moved twice, telling us he has only told two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Trumps clock? "
"His clock is in Jesus's office, he is using it as a ceiling fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxua4z/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxu85h/a_gynecologist_had_become_fed_up_with_malpractice/
%
How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxu7i2/how_do_you_know_you_have_a_high_sperm_count/
%
Justice is a dish best served cold

Because if it was served warm, it would be justwater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxu70y/justice_is_a_dish_best_served_cold/
%
Years ago a sperm who won a race

is depressed now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxu6w1/years_ago_a_sperm_who_won_a_race/
%
My friends recently asked me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxu1iz/my_friends_recently_asked_me_to_stop_singing/
%
What does the umpire say when he uses the bathroom?

Urine... you’re out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxu1c4/what_does_the_umpire_say_when_he_uses_the_bathroom/
%
What do you call a school shooting in a math class?

Derive-by

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxu0di/what_do_you_call_a_school_shooting_in_a_math_class/
%
Couldn't understand why the basketball was getting bigger

Then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxtxox/couldnt_understand_why_the_basketball_was_getting/
%
Me: "I've lost my calculator." Them: "..." Them: "..and?"

Me: "Oh, I've got nothing to add"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxtwjw/me_ive_lost_my_calculator_them_them_and/
%
So a man is drowning

A boat comes by and said,”sir do you need help?”. The man said,”no thanks god will save me”. Another boat comes by and said,”do need help, you’re gonna die.” The man replies,”no thanks god will save”
The man dies and asks god,”Why didn’t you save me god?,” God replies,”You dumbass I sent you 2 boats”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxtq4h/so_a_man_is_drowning/
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Fellow shoppers enthralled by new diet...

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Sainsbury's and was standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxtp5z/fellow_shoppers_enthralled_by_new_diet/
%
What would a gun type if they're disappointed?

SMG

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxtnzd/what_would_a_gun_type_if_theyre_disappointed/
%
I completely agree with Brexit, I don't care what you guys say,

Europe Union doesn't matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxtnbu/i_completely_agree_with_brexit_i_dont_care_what/
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What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur

Tyrannosourest Rex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxtme6/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_lemon_with_a/
%
You're on a horse galloping at a constant speed...

On your right is a sharp drop off and on your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is another horse but you're unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the other horse in front of you.
What must you do to escape this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk self self off the merry-go-round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxtka3/youre_on_a_horse_galloping_at_a_constant_speed/
%
With my Kids I never Joke,

I am always dad-serious!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxtk0k/with_my_kids_i_never_joke/
%
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one...
..but it takes them years to admit they properly screwed it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxt9g8/how_many_brexiteers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What’s the most mathematical aspect of summer?

The tan lines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxt722/whats_the_most_mathematical_aspect_of_summer/
%
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip.

They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes. ‘You forgot to account for wind. Give it here.’ He snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells, “We
got him!”
My friends think this is an average joke. But my girlfriend thinks it’s a rather mean joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxt66g/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_statistician_go_on/
%
I just came up with this, and yes I am high

Americans hate Mosquitoes, but Arabs hate Synagoguitoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxt4mv/i_just_came_up_with_this_and_yes_i_am_high/
%
Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxt2p6/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
Our street is full of cat shit.

Litter alley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxt27d/our_street_is_full_of_cat_shit/
%
After 10 years my dad came home and said

Sorry it took so long they were out of milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxt1jy/after_10_years_my_dad_came_home_and_said/
%
Bullets are weird...

They only do their jobs after they're fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxsxbs/bullets_are_weird/
%
I’ve just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.

It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging. It took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxsw96/ive_just_started_a_sexual_relationship_with_a/
%
Why did the guitarist go to jail?

Because he fingered a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxsu80/why_did_the_guitarist_go_to_jail/
%
So a Cherokee family and a White family pull into a restaurant..

White dad sees the Cherokee family coming up behind them and purposely let's the door close being a dick instead of holding it politely.
Cherokee dad shrugs it off and holds it for his family and follows the White family in. But upon getting to the line the Cherokee dad walks right past the White family getting shot some hateful shade for line cutting. To their surprise the Hostess smiles and ushers the Cherokee dad and his family right past the line and to a table.
30 minutes later waiting in line White dad is fuming, and thinking about leaving. But he can't stop staring at the Cherokee family who are laughing and enjoying their food already. Cherokee dad meets eyes with him a few times and just politely smiles making White dad's temper all the more spin out of control.
Time comes to pay the bill and Cherokee dad walks to the counter and politely pays and tips well. But is surprised when White dad walks up and and all but screams "How much longer has my family got to wait, this.. man... and his family skipped line and has already eaten and ready to leave!?!?"
The Hostess whom was overcome by such a racial slight as this was very slow to speak.
Cherokee dad simply smiles and says "What's the problem White man? I thought you wanted us to have reservations?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxsqgp/so_a_cherokee_family_and_a_white_family_pull_into/
%
When people have sex...

When three people have sex its called a threesome, four people have sex is called foursome,
I guess you can call me handsome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxsgjz/when_people_have_sex/
%
A bad workman blames his fools...

stupid keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxsgj3/a_bad_workman_blames_his_fools/
%
A horse walks into a bar....

And orders a pint. The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?" The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanishes. So the joke is about Descartes famous "I think therefore I am" but explaining the rest would put Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxrzjv/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two men are standing at the Pearly Gates

One man, Jim, turns to the man next to him, Tom. “So, what’s the reason you’re here?”
Tom: “I died of hypothermia. What about you?”
Jim: “well, I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I came home from work one day unannounced to catch her in the act. Turns out she wasn’t, so I got so stressed and embarrassed about it I had a heart attack.”
Tom: “dang it! If you would’ve checked in the freezer we’d both still be alive!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxrxho/two_men_are_standing_at_the_pearly_gates/
%
When my wife got pregnant everything changed.

My name, my address, my phone number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxruqj/when_my_wife_got_pregnant_everything_changed/
%
I decided to kill off a couple characters in the book I’m working on

It will really spice up my autobiography

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxru83/i_decided_to_kill_off_a_couple_characters_in_the/
%
A police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?"

I said , " scissors, I won" and drove off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxrk52/a_police_just_pulled_me_over_and_said_papers/
%
What is a pirates favorite racial slur?

The hard arrrrr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxrguu/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_racial_slur/
%
Male cheetahs have a specific bark that causes female cheetahs to ovulate 'on-demand.'

Because you still can't trust them. They're cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxrg11/male_cheetahs_have_a_specific_bark_that_causes/
%
The surnames of England

will tell you a lot about what sort of people they are, and of what sort of things they're proud of: The Bakers, for example, came from a prominent line of breadmakers; The Masons were all very fine stoneworkers; But among the English people, no surname is held in higher regard than that of Mr Dickinson…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxrf7d/the_surnames_of_england/
%
Why did Sally fall off the swing?

She has no arms.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Not Sally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxrcbw/why_did_sally_fall_off_the_swing/
%
My boss stole my chair yet again

Im not going to stand for this!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxr0bk/my_boss_stole_my_chair_yet_again/
%
An old man is walking through the forest...

When he come across a frog. The frog says "kiss me and I'll turn in to a beautiful woman and be yours forever."  The old man reaches down picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. From his pocket the frog says "aren't you going to kiss me?" The old man replies "at my age I would rather have a talking frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxqxi4/an_old_man_is_walking_through_the_forest/
%
I was going to be a doctor.

But I didn’t have the patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxqvib/i_was_going_to_be_a_doctor/
%
Our community has been devastated by simultaneous shortages of slutty girls and perishable fruit

Send thots and pears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxqvdu/our_community_has_been_devastated_by_simultaneous/
%
Billy was very proud of his new car.

He was driving back home after striking a great deal with the salesman.  As he neared the intersection, a grey Toyota crashed into his car at a high speed.  He was furious, as he knew he had the right of way.  He was about to let loose a barrage of four letter words at the other driver, when a gorgeous creature stepped out of the Toyota and, with the sweetest of smiles, accepted full responsibility and apologized profusely.  The moved their cars into the parking lot of a nearby gas station as to not cause a traffic jam and continued to chat.  Billy was captivated by the charm of this beautiful woman.  After exchanging first names she suggested that they celebrate their newfound friendship with a drop of the best.  She produced a bottle of Grand Marnier and two glasses which she filled to the brim and toasted: "To us-bottoms up."  Billy was happy to oblige, but was perplexed to see that she poured her own drink onto the ground.  Billy, somewhat puzzled, asked her: "Aren't you going to drink?"  "Not until the police have been here," she replied, removing the bottle and glasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxqjka/billy_was_very_proud_of_his_new_car/
%
Somebody told me that if you look at the symbols in the corner of a map and see the words "Bloody Rosemary," something horrible will happen.

But that's just an herb in legend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxqfle/somebody_told_me_that_if_you_look_at_the_symbols/
%
Got written up for being moody at work today. They told me to leave my problems at the door...

That door is gonna need a shitload of therapy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxqerp/got_written_up_for_being_moody_at_work_today_they/
%
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool

so I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxqbin/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
%
Dr Visit

My Doctor told me that I had to stop masturbating. I asked her "Why". She said "Because I'm trying to do an exam here!"
(Now I need to find a new dentist)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxqa20/dr_visit/
%
I got my colonoscopy results

The doctor gave me two thumbs up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxq9tt/i_got_my_colonoscopy_results/
%
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?

Divorced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxq5x3/what_do_you_call_someone_who_lost_her_marital/
%
What does chromosomes like to wear?

Genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxq47y/what_does_chromosomes_like_to_wear/
%
The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!
"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat out of the windows, turns the car and drives away. He goes in a bar, gets a beer, walks home after ab hour and finds out that the cat is back.
"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" yells the man. He grabs the cat and drives 20 miles down the highway, takes a road to a small village, then takes a small path through a field of whead, left, right, left again, passing a railroad, through two tunnels,  takes a ferry over a river,  through a forest and then to a lake. He throughs the cat out of the window, turns his car and drives home. 2 hours later he calls his wive and asks "Is the fucking cat at home?". "Sure, just walking through the door. Why do you ask?" - "Give the cat the phone, I'm fucking lost!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxq3ce/the_husband_really_hates_the_cat_so_he_decides_to/
%
Why can't you get cell reception in space?

Because it's 0 G

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxq369/why_cant_you_get_cell_reception_in_space/
%
A horse walks into a bar

The bartender says, "I see you in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse replies, "I don't think I am", and immediately disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxq0tw/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So, what's your profession again?

"Well", answered the man, "I'm a magician!"
"A Magician? What type of Magician?"
"It's a family business and I do the sawing down!"
"Family business? So do you have siblings?"
"Yes, two half brothers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxpyze/so_whats_your_profession_again/
%
Why should you never fight Destiny?

Because then you will have to fight the bouncers, and every other stripper in the club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxpwiy/why_should_you_never_fight_destiny/
%
Long term relationships

What's the difference between your job and your wife?
After ten years, your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxpou8/long_term_relationships/
%
A man and a lady were in an elevator...

The man asked the lady Where you headed today? The lady replied I’m going to give blood.
The man asked her, Do they pay you for that? She said, Yeah 20 bucks. He said Oh.
The lady asked What about you, where are you headed? He replied I’m going to the sperm bank. She asked Do they pay you for that? He said Yeah 100 bucks.
The lady was offended and stormed away.
The next day the man saw the lady on the elevator again, and as if he’d never seen her before, he asked Where are you headed today? And without opening her lips, she replied Fperm bnk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxpmja/a_man_and_a_lady_were_in_an_elevator/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxph87/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxpbxn/whats_the_difference_between_a_paycheck_and_a/
%
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can’t hide?

The I.C.U.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxp4j3/do_you_know_where_in_a_hospital_the_invisible_man/
%
My sister wanted to know what briefs are

I said there speedos but underwear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxp00s/my_sister_wanted_to_know_what_briefs_are/
%
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They're both meat substitutes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxozsd/what_does_tofu_and_a_dildo_have_in_common/
%
interviewer: yeah, you're not getting this job.

me: what? why?
interviewer: your resume just says "caught all 151 original pokemon"
me: ...and?
interviewer: that's ridiculous... -_- ...there's no way you caught Mew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxozjz/interviewer_yeah_youre_not_getting_this_job/
%
For all Cocaine user

Only four sleeps to Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxoypy/for_all_cocaine_user/
%
Where do Volkswagens go when they retire?

The Old Volks Home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxovfj/where_do_volkswagens_go_when_they_retire/
%
I was feeling horny and needed some relief.

I asked my fat wife for sex and she said "No."
You have no idea what a relief that was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxovcw/i_was_feeling_horny_and_needed_some_relief/
%
A cowboy emigrated to Wales

and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxov4j/a_cowboy_emigrated_to_wales/
%
Taylor Swift has 500 songs about blokes leaving her

and 0 songs about blowjobs.
See where I'm going with this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxouze/taylor_swift_has_500_songs_about_blokes_leaving/
%
I saw a bloke with one arm and one leg was about to be hanged.

I started shouting out letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxouhq/i_saw_a_bloke_with_one_arm_and_one_leg_was_about/
%
A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxort2/a_drunk_wakes_up_in_jail_and_asks_the_first/
%
Why should you always knock on the refrigerator door before opening it?

There might be a salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxopsg/why_should_you_always_knock_on_the_refrigerator/
%
A ham sandwich walks into a bar

Bartender says "We don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxops5/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Drunk driver

A preacher was driving home late one night.
A little ways down the road he noticed the car in front of him was swerving a lot.  Must be a drunk driver he thought.
The preacher went to pass him and the drunk swerved over.
Trying to avoid an accident,  the preacher swerves out of the way and his car starts to flip. It flips several times. Well the drunk driver notices him flipping so he stops to check on him.
The drunk goes to his car and hollers out. " hey! Man are you ok?"
The preacher says " yes sir! I have the good lord riding with me."
The drunk then says " well you better let him ride with me because you're gonna kill him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxomyt/drunk_driver/
%
A man dies and goes to heaven....

When he gets to heaven, he runs into Saint Peter. He also sees a bunch of clocks on the wall. “What are all those clocks for?” the man asked. “Well,” said Saint Peter, “Those clocks move every time someone lies, see that clock over there, that one belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved. “ “Well what about that one?” asked the man. “That one, belongs to Abraham Lincoln it’s only moved twice.” said Saint Peter. “Where’s Donald Trump’s clock?” asked the man.  Saint Peter replied, “It’s in Jesus’s office, he likes to use it as a fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxog7o/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
How do you get 2 million followers

Run around brooklyn with a popeyes chicken sandwich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxoe1l/how_do_you_get_2_million_followers/
%
A drunk was walking down the highway

He staggered all over the road and was close to being hit by traffic many times. The local preacher came along and felt pity for the drunk so he stopped the car and offered to drive him home.
The drunk  got into the preacher's car and they drove to the drunken man's driveway.
"Can you manage the last bit on your own?" the preacher asked.
"Yes. I think I can"
"What are you going to tell you wife when you get home?"
"Oh. It won't do me any good to try to lie to her. I'd better tell her the truth. - I'll tell her I have been with the preacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxoe18/a_drunk_was_walking_down_the_highway/
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A citizen was cited for a tax investigation in the IRS.

Frightened, he asked his accountant how to dress.
-"Use rags, they'll think you're a beggar," the accountant replied.
When he asked his lawyer, he told him the exact opposite:
-'Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and most elegant tie'
Confused, the man decides to ask his wife, tells her of the two opposite councils and asks for her opinion:
The wife says:
-Let me tell you a story:
When I was about to marry you, I asked my mother what to wear on the wedding night. 'Put on heavy, thick pajamas that reaches your neck,' my mother told me.
But when I asked my best friend, she gave me the opposite advice:
'Put on the smallest lingerie you have, transparent and a floss thong.'
The astonished middle man asks' but my love, what does that have to do with my taxes?
"Well, no matter how you dress they are going to nail you!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxocmz/a_citizen_was_cited_for_a_tax_investigation_in/
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[At the museum] Her: Do you know whether we are allowed to take pictures?

Me: No. I think they need to stay on the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxo5p3/at_the_museum_her_do_you_know_whether_we_are/
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A group of engineering professors are all sitting on a plane waiting to take off...

The captain comes over the intercom and announces that as a surprise, the entire plane has been designed and built by their students.
Understandably, all the engineers immediately begin panicking, desperately scrambling to get off the plane, all except for one who is still calmly sitting in his seat.
The others urge him to abandon the plane and save himself, to which he replies-
"Relax, I've watched these students grow from freshmen who could barely figure out Calc I, to budding young engineers. I've seen their lab work, checked their math, and knowing the astonishing skills they have developed in their time as students I have every faith that this damn plane won't even start"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxo42z/a_group_of_engineering_professors_are_all_sitting/
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A man goes to hell and sees Hitler drinking with his friends at a bar

A man goes to hell and sees Hitler drinking at a bar with Hirohito, Mussolini, and Fransisco Franco.
The man hears Hitler brag about killing millions of Jews and sixteen spotted owls.
The man goes up to the table and asks, "Why in the hell would you kill sixteen spotted owls?"
Hitler nudges Hirohito, "See, I told you. nobody cares about the Jews!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxnlpg/a_man_goes_to_hell_and_sees_hitler_drinking_with/
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What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

Killed in a tunnel.
(Credit to Jimmy Carr)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxnh5k/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_the_queen_and_prince/
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Walks into a bar.

A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 whiskeys, he drinks the first then the 3rd and then the 5th and leaves the other 2 at the bar, then leaves, he repeats this for 7 nights, just before he leaves the barman says to him, why have you done this every night?, guy says, well my doctor said it is OK to have the odd drink..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxngtd/walks_into_a_bar/
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I couldn’t decide whether to masturbate to the weather forecast or to The Lord of The Rings.

I guess it doesn’t matter.  Either way we’re looking at 9 inches in Orlando.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxn290/i_couldnt_decide_whether_to_masturbate_to_the/
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If Hurricane Dorian becomes a major hurricane...

Will it be called Hurricane Mixolydian?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxmztv/if_hurricane_dorian_becomes_a_major_hurricane/
%
Two men are drinking at a bar

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxmug6/two_men_are_drinking_at_a_bar/
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I like my coffee how I like the slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxmtvv/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_the_slaves/
%
The difference between a bad pizza joke and a good one...

is the delivery!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxmlxp/the_difference_between_a_bad_pizza_joke_and_a/
%
I once dated a baker...

but found her too kneady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxmlm9/i_once_dated_a_baker/
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxmcal/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
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A bear started a cleaning program after a season

He gathered all the animals and gave each of them a task.
But 1 animal was missimg, a rabbit.
The bear was searching for him for couple of hours without finding him.
But then he noticed some movement in nearby bush.
He said: "Rabbit is that you ?"
He responded with: "Yes"
Then bear asked: "What are you doing ?"
Rabbit yelled: "FUCKING !!!"
Bear left him to finish his own deed, but even after 2 hours rabbit didnt come back.
Bear returned to the same bush and asked:"Rabbit what are you doing ?"
Rabbit said: "Fucking"
Bear was annoyed so he went into the bush and saw the rabbit completely alone laying on the ground and then he asked him:"Who are you fucking rabbit ?"
Rabbit replied:"You and your cleaning program"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxm9us/a_bear_started_a_cleaning_program_after_a_season/
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TIL a school of piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds...

anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxm24g/til_a_school_of_piranha_can_devour_a_small_child/
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A man who was born with three testicles

Was extremely proud and conceited with what he regarded as the equivalent of winning the genetic lottery, in an act to flaunt and put to shame others he would sit regularly outside of his house and ask each passerby.
Man: do you know the sum of your balls and mine.
Passerby (perplexed) : what???? What the hell are you talking about?
Man: just answer me dude, what would be the same of both of our balls.
Passerby: well 4 of course, now get off me.
Man: no you inferior specimen of a man, it would be 5 as I have 3 testicles.
Then the man would proceed to laugh and indulge in self love, and this would continue several days a week.
One day an ostensibly slender man approaches the man's house going about his business, when he's suddenly approached by the man for the usual routine.
Man: sir! A quick question please, what would be the sum of my balls and yours.
Slenderman: what kind of a question that is your perv, get lost.
Man: just answer me man there are well intentions behind my inquiry believe me.
Slenderman: dude get lost, seriously.
Man: ffs man just answer me.
Slenderman: no you answer yourself man asking such a silly question.
Man: wow what a dick, fine dude the sum would be 5 balls for both of us.
Slenderman (stopping his previously hurried walk) : what! 5?? Is that why you're asking me, because you have no balls, you poor soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxlvio/a_man_who_was_born_with_three_testicles/
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A Zen monk enters a Pizza Hut...

...the employee says "Welcome to Pizza Hut, Sir! What kind of pizza do you want?"
The monk thinks about it and says "Can you make me one with everything?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxlr0n/a_zen_monk_enters_a_pizza_hut/
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What do you call a burning redneck?

A ***Fire Cracker***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxlkgz/what_do_you_call_a_burning_redneck/
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(NSFW) So a man walked into my bar

And ordered 6 shots of Sambuca,
I asked him why he was having so many,
He said that he was celebrating his first blowjob,
So I said "you know what I'll buy you a shot for that"
And he said "if 6 shots doesn't take away the taste, nothing will"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxlk8f/nsfw_so_a_man_walked_into_my_bar/
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.
Thanks, I'm here all week. Try the veal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxliwj/what_lies_at_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_and_twitches/
%
I hate when people joke about 9/11, my uncle died there

He was the greatest pilot Saudi Arabia had seen in years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxli69/i_hate_when_people_joke_about_911_my_uncle_died/
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How do you put the pin back in a grenade?

Quick answers only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxldzl/how_do_you_put_the_pin_back_in_a_grenade/
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My girfrliend said "I love you."

I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said, "It's me, talking to the wine."
Thanks, I'm here all week. Two shows nightly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxlcn4/my_girfrliend_said_i_love_you/
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A lot of people ask me about my daughter

It's really annoying, I'm just trying to take my girlfriend to school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxkzit/a_lot_of_people_ask_me_about_my_daughter/
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How much is that barbie in the window?

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym'for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxkz3i/how_much_is_that_barbie_in_the_window/
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What do you get if you cross an alligator with a giraffe?

A visit from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxkprd/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_an_alligator_with_a/
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I am pretty good at almost all areas of Math

But graphing is where I draw the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxkiu6/i_am_pretty_good_at_almost_all_areas_of_math/
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I went to get a vasectomy and the doctor said I won’t have children anymore

When I went back home they were still there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxkilr/i_went_to_get_a_vasectomy_and_the_doctor_said_i/
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Those be calm and listen to rain apps are terrible....

I just put the Amazon rainforest on and I thought the fucking house was on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxkb1s/those_be_calm_and_listen_to_rain_apps_are_terrible/
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I told my girlfriend the saying “you are what you eat” is total BS.

She responded with “then why are you such a pussy?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxk8tk/i_told_my_girlfriend_the_saying_you_are_what_you/
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Why does the Swedish navy put barcodes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port, they can Scandinavian!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxk3tg/why_does_the_swedish_navy_put_barcodes_on_the/
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My favourite word is "drool"...

It just rolls off the tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxk2d0/my_favourite_word_is_drool/
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In the army if you lose your rifle, the government charges you $250

That’s why in the navy the captain always goes down with the ship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxjugb/in_the_army_if_you_lose_your_rifle_the_government/
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A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno, dos..." *poof* he disappears without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxjkxl/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
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Old Ladies

I don't give a seat to old ladies on the Bus because I want them to feel young again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxjj6g/old_ladies/
%
I put glitter and sparkles on a turd once

It was pretty shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxje7z/i_put_glitter_and_sparkles_on_a_turd_once/
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How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your alcohol when you invite them for dinner?

Invite 2 of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxj74z/how_do_you_keep_a_baptist_from_drinking_all_of/
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A aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."
Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this. He sinks back in his chair, saying OMG over and over.
Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxj3a3/a_aide_comes_into_the_oval_office_and_says_to/
%
A salesman rings the doorbell.

An eight year old boy answers the door.  He is naked, except for his father's hat, his mother's panties, and a cape.  He has a martini glass in one hand and a fat, Cuban cigar in the other.
"A-a-are your parents home?", the man stutters.
"What the Hell do you think?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxiywa/a_salesman_rings_the_doorbell/
%
I saw a guy walking down the street carrying a long stick.....

I said "are you a pole vaulter?" He said "no, I'm German... but how did you know my name?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxivnx/i_saw_a_guy_walking_down_the_street_carrying_a/
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My friend David lost his ID

So now he's just Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxisfj/my_friend_david_lost_his_id/
%
The little Cowboy

A little boy walks into an ice-cream store wearing a cowboy hat and a pair of six shooters.The woman behind the counter can't help smiling at the tough expression on his chubby little face.
“Hello there,cowboy," she says  “What can I get for you?"
The kid bellies up to the counter.
“I'll have an ice-cream sundae with butterscotch, cherries,nuts,sprinkles,and chocolate syrup."
“Do you want your nuts crushed?" the clerk asks.
The little boy whips out his guns,points them at her,and says
“Do you want your tits shot off?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxis25/the_little_cowboy/
%
Where do insects listen to music?

Spotifly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxil5a/where_do_insects_listen_to_music/
%
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?

It was Mass murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxigep/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_killed_a_group_of/
%
A cop pulls over a guy on a motorcycle...

and asks him for his name.
"My name is Ed." he said.
"Just Ed? no last name?"
"Just Ed."
"care to explain?" asked the cop.
"Well, it started a long time ago. I was Ed Johnson. As a kid, I always wanted to be a doctor. So I studied hard and finally graduated medical school. From then on, I was known as Ed Johnson, M.D. After a few years, I wasn't happy and decided to pursue my true love. Dentistry. I went back to school and got my D.D.S. From then on, I was Ed Johnson, M.D., D.D.S. Things were good till I got V.D. from sleeping with one of my patients. At that point, I was known as Ed Johnson, M.D., D.D.S. with V.D. Well, the board found out I slept with one of my patients and stripped my D.D.S from me. Shortly thereafter, the AMA took away my M.D. I was now just Ed Johnson with V.D. a few years after that, the V.D. took my johnson due to infection.
Because of that, I'm now just Ed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxifnf/a_cop_pulls_over_a_guy_on_a_motorcycle/
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I wiped my ass with a piece of rope

I shit you knot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxifax/i_wiped_my_ass_with_a_piece_of_rope/
%
Joke from my 4 yr old this morning...

her: Knock knock!
me: Who's there?
her: Camel!
me: Camel who?
her: Silly, Camels don't say 'who' they say 'AAAHHHHHH!!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxie5w/joke_from_my_4_yr_old_this_morning/
%
If someone can make good matzo don’t mess with them.

They’re an expert at Jew dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxic76/if_someone_can_make_good_matzo_dont_mess_with_them/
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I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother-in-law who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles.

She gets off at 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxi9v5/i_live_in_constant_fear_that_trump_will_deport_my/
%
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxi7rg/i_challenged_the_number_1_to_a_fight_but_he/
%
Sarah got divorced after a month of her wedding

Her neighbor asked : why did you get divorced?
Sarah: can you endure a whole month of insults and beating?
Neighbor: Noo i cannot
Sarah: he couldn't too !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxi745/sarah_got_divorced_after_a_month_of_her_wedding/
%
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction.

One day, I got so angry at this, I packed my stuff and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxi32e/my_wife_is_mad_that_i_have_no_sense_of_direction/
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What's the difference between a philosophy degree and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxhyz8/whats_the_difference_between_a_philosophy_degree/
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What does one saggy boob say to another?

“If we don’t get any support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxhxy9/what_does_one_saggy_boob_say_to_another/
%
I couldn’t believe when my girlfriend said that she has an abduction fetish.

But she demands to be taken, seriously!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxhvo1/i_couldnt_believe_when_my_girlfriend_said_that/
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What do you call a duck on dangerous substances?

A quack-head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxho7y/what_do_you_call_a_duck_on_dangerous_substances/
%
Two guys in a jail cell..

Two guys sitting in a jail cell alongside 3 others that had been arrested that night.
They find out one guy is a murderer, another stole a car and tried to drive to Mexico, the last guy was an African American man who kept to himself and wasn't talking.
"What's he in for?" one guy asks the police officer.
"Blackmale"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxhn7y/two_guys_in_a_jail_cell/
%
What did the millennial say after they successfully started the campfire?

That's lit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxhgmm/what_did_the_millennial_say_after_they/
%
Locals have discovered a little hole in the wall of the women's bathroom

Police have said they're looking into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxhdqv/locals_have_discovered_a_little_hole_in_the_wall/
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Prison Escape.

I was driving past my state’s penitentiary the other day when I noticed a little person climbing down the wall to escape.
I thought to myself, “huh, that’s a little condescending.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxhbpg/prison_escape/
%
If you want to know the gender of an ant put it in water.

If it’s a girl it sinks
#
If it floats it’s a boy ant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxhay0/if_you_want_to_know_the_gender_of_an_ant_put_it/
%
Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit

They were out in the forest when the bear attacked the rabbit. All of a sudden the spirit of the forest appeared and said, “STOP! I will grant you both three wishes.”
The bear said, “my first wish is that I’d like to be the only male bear in the forest so i could have all the females.”
The rabbit said “I’d like a motorcycle”
Then the bear said, “Actually, I’d like to be the only male bear in the country,” and the rabbit said, “I’d like some googles for my motorcycle.”
Finally, the bear said, “My third wish is that I’d like to be the only male bear in the WORLD!”
The rabbit thought and thought and then he said, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drove off on his motorcycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxh84a/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_bear_and_a_rabbit/
%
What did the triceratops name her Blouse Making business?

Try Sarah's Tops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxh7e3/what_did_the_triceratops_name_her_blouse_making/
%
My wife: "You weren't listening at all just now, were you?"

Me: "Wow, that's a weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxh70v/my_wife_you_werent_listening_at_all_just_now_were/
%
So there was a man who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxh48q/so_there_was_a_man_who_drove_trains_for_a_living/
%
What do you call a Turkish baby?

Kebab-y
What do you say to a Turkish baby that won’t be quiet?
Shish Kebab-y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxgwsf/what_do_you_call_a_turkish_baby/
%
I'm an expert in not finishing anything

I have a black belt in partial arts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxgvxq/im_an_expert_in_not_finishing_anything/
%
How many people does it take to start a K-Pop band?

Just one korean and a really good stylist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxgr4r/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_start_a_kpop_band/
%
My mate got "Stella Artois" tattooed onto his stomach.

Now he's got a beer belly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxgpnf/my_mate_got_stella_artois_tattooed_onto_his/
%
How to fall down the stairs

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 5
Step 7
Step 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxgnkx/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
%
My boyfriend told me he wants me to be a body builder....

So I told him I was pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxgnco/my_boyfriend_told_me_he_wants_me_to_be_a_body/
%
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxgeuk/what_do_you_call_a_drummer_without_a_girlfriend/
%
I want to make a joke about dictatorship.

But I don't know whether to make it in Italian, German or English.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxgeaq/i_want_to_make_a_joke_about_dictatorship/
%
What does a house wear?

An address

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxge8e/what_does_a_house_wear/
%
Growing up, the family next door were all giants.

I always looked up to them, but for some reason they always looked down on us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxg9xp/growing_up_the_family_next_door_were_all_giants/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxg7b4/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
Argon walks into a bar

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxg6vn/argon_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do you know if someone is an idiot in a cock fight arena?

He brought a duck to a cock fight.
How do you know if someone is more of an idiot than the first one?
If he placed a bet on the duck.
How do you know if a syndicate is involved?
If the duck won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxg0md/how_do_you_know_if_someone_is_an_idiot_in_a_cock/
%
Crazy ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxfzjr/crazy_ex_girlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
How does japanese chihuahuas say hello?

Konichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxfyf2/how_does_japanese_chihuahuas_say_hello/
%
What do you call a waffle that you've dropped on the beach?

A sandy Eggo
(*My daughter hit me with this one this morning*)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxfuze/what_do_you_call_a_waffle_that_youve_dropped_on/
%
A kid asked his mom “can you suck the light?”

Surprised, she said “Of course not, why do you ask that?”
And the kid replied “well cause dad told the maid to turn off the light cause she was gonna suck it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxfrke/a_kid_asked_his_mom_can_you_suck_the_light/
%
A man invites a friend to a hunting party in Africa

- We're going to hunt gorillas
- I've never done such a thing, how do you even hunt gorillas ?
- Well it's quite easy, all you need is a dog, a big bag, and a rifle
- OK... And how do you use them?
- Simple as that : I climb the tree, then I scare the gorilla to make it fall on the ground. When the gorilla falls, the dog is trained, and will bite the gorilla's balls, and when it faints due to the pain, we put it in the bag. Easy.
- Then why the rifle?
- If I fall first, you shoot the dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxfjmi/a_man_invites_a_friend_to_a_hunting_party_in/
%
What do you call a Spanish homosexual prostitute?

Jorge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxfj6b/what_do_you_call_a_spanish_homosexual_prostitute/
%
It could be worse

An angel said to another angel who broke their halo that it could be worse.
A rich man who was divorced from his wife said to himself that it could be worse.
A mom told her son whose xbox broke told him it could be worse.
A poor person who broke their arm said it could be worse.
Two devils were down in Hell talking about their shitty situation, when one of them said, "At least we're not British"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxfd7q/it_could_be_worse/
%
A little girl goes up to a preacher one day to confess her sins

"I believe I am guilty of the sin of vanity," the girl told the preacher.
To which the preacher responds "Why do you think that."
The girl tells him "Well every morning I look at myself in the mirror and think about how beautiful I am"
Then the preacher tells the girl "Oh don't worry, that's not a sin, that's just a mistake"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxfb4p/a_little_girl_goes_up_to_a_preacher_one_day_to/
%
A boy walks past the local whorehouse on the way to school.

Out front, waving her pinky finger, is a prostitute.  "Hi little boy."  The boy just ignores her and continues to school.
Then next morning, the same thing happens.  She waves her pinky finger, and says, "Hi little boy."
This continues one more time and curiosity gets the best of him, so he asks the prostitute, "Why do you wave at me with only your pinky finger like that?"
"Because, I figure that's about the size of your penis."
"Oh," he says.  Then, he grabs his mouth wide open with both hands and yells back, "Hi whore!"
(This is told much better in person when you can demonstrate the actions.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxf74r/a_boy_walks_past_the_local_whorehouse_on_the_way/
%
A man is caught licking the outside of a tavern.

A police officer asks him what he's doing.
"Waitin' to get arrested, officer," he slurs. "If I'm gonna get charged with something, I wanna deserve it."
"What are you talking about?" the officer replies.
"I've been arrested 3 times this month, and I've agreed with the charges of being drunk every time," he hiccups. "But now, I'm actually guilty of being drunk *and* a pub lick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxf4w7/a_man_is_caught_licking_the_outside_of_a_tavern/
%
Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?"

Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxf02y/little_girl_at_the_hospital_nurse_youve_been_so/
%
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.
Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia."
"Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard.
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia."
"Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"
"It's John."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York."
"Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door.
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas!"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
"FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxezz7/jesus_was_worried_about_the_drug_epidemic/
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxey1n/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
Jesus walks into a restaurant

Waiter: -Would you like a drink?
Jesus : -Water is fine.
Jesus: \*looks directly into camera\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxeurz/jesus_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
What does fortnite and Vietnam have in common

Bushcamping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxesrs/what_does_fortnite_and_vietnam_have_in_common/
%
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxeoae/a_professor_a_ceo_and_a_janitor_are_in_a_forest/
%
I hear Ahab was made captain ahead of his more qualified peers...

Talk about white whale privilege.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxen0l/i_hear_ahab_was_made_captain_ahead_of_his_more/
%
Three KGB inspectors decide visit a Siberian prison

They decide to check on three young prisioners who started working recently but were put in prison, and ask them some questions.
The first inspector asks the first prisoner:"How did you get in here?
He answers:"For the past week my clock would wake me up early so I came into work early, they accused me of being a spy and put me in here.
The second inspector asks the second prisoner the same thing.
He answers:"For the past week my clock would always wake me up late, so I came into work late, the accused me of a sabotage attempt and locked me in here."
The third inspector asks the third prisoner the same thing.
He answers:"For the past week my clock would always wake me up on time, so I always came to work on time."
Inspector:"And...?"
Prisoner:"So they accused me of smuggling the clock here from the west."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxem7i/three_kgb_inspectors_decide_visit_a_siberian/
%
Why did the ramen get arrested when he went outside without putting on his bowl?

Public Noodlity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxeltp/why_did_the_ramen_get_arrested_when_he_went/
%
So I went to a super rich hotel and apparently they have code names for everything...

So I asked for an extra pillow and got a prositute
Now I have two prositutes and not enough pillows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxekqn/so_i_went_to_a_super_rich_hotel_and_apparently/
%
Today I learned that the average person has 8 different sexual partners in their lifetime..

Today I also learned that I am a whore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxeg31/today_i_learned_that_the_average_person_has_8/
%
Got my girlfriend a dildo and some shoes for her birthday!

If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go and fuck herself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxeebn/got_my_girlfriend_a_dildo_and_some_shoes_for_her/
%
A pregnant woman goes to a doctor for an ultrasound.

\-How is the baby, doctor?
\-Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that your child will always have a parking spot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxeack/a_pregnant_woman_goes_to_a_doctor_for_an/
%
A guy goes to his doctor to ask for his Medical Test Results.

\-Are my result in, doctor? The wait is killing me.
\-Well... it's not the only thing killing you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxe7lj/a_guy_goes_to_his_doctor_to_ask_for_his_medical/
%
The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.
The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed.
She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came in silently……….
He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his dick, got on top of her and fcuked her like there was no tomorrow.When he finished and while he was still panting, the wife said You didn’t fcuking expect to find me in this bed did you!!” and switched on the light.
“No madam”, said the gardener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxe6ck/the_husband_and_his_young_wife_were_not_on_good/
%
My Grandfather survived pepper spray and mustard gas during world war 2

He’s a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxe03a/my_grandfather_survived_pepper_spray_and_mustard/
%
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?

Juan on Juan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxdzlr/what_do_you_call_2_mexicans_playing_tennis/
%
When is the only time a guy can multi task?

When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxdx0b/when_is_the_only_time_a_guy_can_multi_task/
%
Did you hear about the incest father?

Mr. Dickinson denies all charges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxdt41/did_you_hear_about_the_incest_father/
%
Why can't you trust a bard with your finances?

Because they always add more when they're recounting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxdncb/why_cant_you_trust_a_bard_with_your_finances/
%
Why did Dave get fired from the orange juice factory?

He couldn’t concentrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxdjnb/why_did_dave_get_fired_from_the_orange_juice/
%
I cannot tell a lie.

Washington: "I cannot tell a lie"
Nixon: "I cannot tell the truth"
Trump: "I cannot tell the difference"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxdiui/i_cannot_tell_a_lie/
%
What do porn-stars and criminals have in common?

They very rarely come quietly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxdhry/what_do_pornstars_and_criminals_have_in_common/
%
When a women buys a dildo, it's a bit of naughty fun!

But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxdgif/when_a_women_buys_a_dildo_its_a_bit_of_naughty_fun/
%
I've decided to make a Sharia version of Monopoly.

It's the same basic board, except if you're a woman you're not allowed to own property.
And if any of the other players accuse you of cheating, you're out of the game, no questions asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxdc2k/ive_decided_to_make_a_sharia_version_of_monopoly/
%
What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxd9za/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_one_leg/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxd78z/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
Every day I find a new reason to love my cat.

But God dammit I'm almost out of Vaseline!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxd709/every_day_i_find_a_new_reason_to_love_my_cat/
%
If being sexy is a crime

Then I'm a law abiding citizen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxd3u9/if_being_sexy_is_a_crime/
%
I wish I could drop my body off...

at the gym and pick it up back when its ready.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxd35j/i_wish_i_could_drop_my_body_off/
%
My room mates are concerned that I'm using their kitchen utensils,

but that's a whisk i'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxd2xg/my_room_mates_are_concerned_that_im_using_their/
%
Second Opinion

Doctor: You're obese.
Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxd065/second_opinion/
%
What did the hillbilly yoga instructor say to his mom who was about to leave?

Naw ma, stay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxcxqr/what_did_the_hillbilly_yoga_instructor_say_to_his/
%
I've started investing in stocks.

Mainly beef, chicken and vegetable.
You may laugh, but one day I'll be a bouillonaire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxcxc9/ive_started_investing_in_stocks/
%
I learned a lot from the bible....

Mostly that some people will believe anything they read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxcnoe/i_learned_a_lot_from_the_bible/
%
Who was the knight appointed a trusted advisor for sexual positions in King Arthur's court?

Circumstance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxcnkk/who_was_the_knight_appointed_a_trusted_advisor/
%
A man died today when a pile of books fell on him.

He only had his shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxc7hy/a_man_died_today_when_a_pile_of_books_fell_on_him/
%
Daughter: "Can i keep the night light on?"

Dad: "And provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? Use your head, sweetie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxbzne/daughter_can_i_keep_the_night_light_on/
%
"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"
"Low octane ratings"
(Sorry, I heard this in my engine rebuilding class and it was kinda funny at the time...sorry...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxbrof/knock_knock/
%
What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxbnki/what_has_one_finger_and_is_very_demanding/
%
Do you know why Snape never taught herbology?

Because he couldn't keep his Lilly alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxbn1w/do_you_know_why_snape_never_taught_herbology/
%
My wife cheated on me with the garbage man.

I asked her how she could do such a thing and she said "He actually pays attention to me, he takes me out!" I replied, "That's because it's his job, honey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxblpo/my_wife_cheated_on_me_with_the_garbage_man/
%
Nobody dies a virgin

because life fucks everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxbg7v/nobody_dies_a_virgin/
%
What do you call handicapped kids doing karate?

partial-arts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxbbdo/what_do_you_call_handicapped_kids_doing_karate/
%
If you lock a US Marine in a room with an anvil ....

... He will either break it, lose it, or get it pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxb8hf/if_you_lock_a_us_marine_in_a_room_with_an_anvil/
%
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed,

told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by her saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day her grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day her grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later, when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could survive until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxay9d/a_father_put_his_3_year_old_daughter_to_bed/
%
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *whack* damn, but a skydiver goes damn *whack*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxaire/whats_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
%
I've been cycling to work for a whole month now

You would have thought I would be there by now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxabix/ive_been_cycling_to_work_for_a_whole_month_now/
%
"I can't believe I'm going to be a father!" I tearfully exclaimed as my wife emerged from the bathroom with the pregnancy test in hand.

"Actually," she said, "You're going to be an uncle."
********
(I just made this one up for r/twosentencehorror and it dawned on me that it probably belongs here too)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxaadr/i_cant_believe_im_going_to_be_a_father_i/
%
I was bored this morning and decided to take my wife's medication just to see what the side effects were

Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best friend...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxa5wf/i_was_bored_this_morning_and_decided_to_take_my/
%
I fell down and hit my head pretty hard but I’m fine...

The only thing is I lost hearing in my right eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxa21d/i_fell_down_and_hit_my_head_pretty_hard_but_im/
%
Got around to watching Doctor Who after all these years.

It was about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cxa1tg/got_around_to_watching_doctor_who_after_all_these/
%
I was watching a YouTube video about metal fasteners.

It was riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx9zle/i_was_watching_a_youtube_video_about_metal/
%
What kind of sex do dogs like?

Ruff
OK I'll show myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx9sb0/what_kind_of_sex_do_dogs_like/
%
Everywhere on reddit I see people telling others to use a banana for scale.

But every time I step on a banana, it doesn't tell me how much I weigh. It just makes a mess.  What am I doing wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx9r9c/everywhere_on_reddit_i_see_people_telling_others/
%
Things a pilot can't say in a job interview

I'm down to earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx9mmr/things_a_pilot_cant_say_in_a_job_interview/
%
I want to make a joke about Sodium

but Na....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx9mhw/i_want_to_make_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
Hookers don’t fart...

They let out little prosti-toots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx9l8g/hookers_dont_fart/
%
Shout out to my grandma!

That's the only way she can hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx9hi7/shout_out_to_my_grandma/
%
A young rancher was showing his girlfriend around his ranch.

They walked up a hill that had two trees at its top.
The girl thought this was odd and asked, "Why are there two trees planted at the top of this hill?"
"Well," said the young rancher, "That tree over there marks the spot where I first made love."
"Oh, that's sweet," said the girl.  "But what about the other one?"
"That is where her mother was standing at the time."
"Oh my god!  What did the mother say?"
"Mooooooo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx96v9/a_young_rancher_was_showing_his_girlfriend_around/
%
Boyfriend: “The World is flat”

Girlfriend: Noo It isn’t you idiot..
Boyfriend: But you are my world baby...
Girlfriend: Awww you are so cu.... wait what!?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx967d/boyfriend_the_world_is_flat/
%
I won the prize for "Largest litter of rabbits!"

But only by a hare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx9590/i_won_the_prize_for_largest_litter_of_rabbits/
%
Did you hear about the guy selling bombs disguised as prayer mats?

Prophets were going through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx9126/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_selling_bombs/
%
A 17-year-old boy who works part time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of his house in a beautiful Porche

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!”
“Well, it’s used and I got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.”
“Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”
“The woman up the street,” the boy replies. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in.
She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”
The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.
“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you!”
“Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed.
The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.
So I did...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx8z1q/a_17yearold_boy_who_works_part_time_at_pizza_hut/
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My German girlfriend must think Im really hot

She keeps yelling "Nine Nine Nine!" when we have sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx8x8e/my_german_girlfriend_must_think_im_really_hot/
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If I could have one superpower, it would be invisibility

That way I wouldn't have to look myself in the mirror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx8tmb/if_i_could_have_one_superpower_it_would_be/
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Why does Trump want his Viagra from American pharmaceutical companies?

He doesn't want foreign countries interfering in the next erection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx8qxb/why_does_trump_want_his_viagra_from_american/
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So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere ...

[Nothing to see here, the punchline came early]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx8jqp/so_this_guy_with_premature_ejaculation_comes_out/
%
Was playing air drums in my car to Metallica

when I dropped a stick so I had to switch to Def Leppard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx8jbz/was_playing_air_drums_in_my_car_to_metallica/
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A mailman was retiring after running the same route over 20 years, he had gotten to know the people pretty well so he left little notes of appreciation in their mailboxes...

The next day he gets to the first house on the block and the couple there greet him with a going away present and say there goodbyes.
This goes on for the next few houses.
But about 5 houses in a lady greets him at the door in nothing but her underwear. She snatches him inside and proceeds to give him the best fuck hed have in 20 years. When they were done she kisses him says her goodbyes and hands him a dollar.
Not knowing exactly what just happened he said, "my that was lovely but whats with the dollar?"
She says "when i told my husband yesterday that you were retiring, he said fuck him, give him a dollar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx8g2c/a_mailman_was_retiring_after_running_the_same/
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I had a dream that I was a muffler...

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx8fcq/i_had_a_dream_that_i_was_a_muffler/
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What do porn actresses say to each other when they see a hot new hunk on set?

Get a load of that guy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx8cln/what_do_porn_actresses_say_to_each_other_when/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx8a5z/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
An extremely handsome man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the bar and begins small talk with a few girls. He's charismatic and the girls love him. He talks most of the night away. But after a while another man enters. This man is rather ugly. Perhaps even hideous. Like God got drunk and began just throwing mismatched facial features onto an oblong mishapen head. I'm saying absolutely atrocious.
The handsome man grimaces but says nothing rude, and returns to talking to the girls. An hour later he looks back and the Frankenstein reincarnate has a few girls surrounding him. The handsome man is confused, but decides to keep hitting on the girls and buying them drinks. An hour later, the ugly man has left with EVERY. SINGLE. GIRL. In the bar. The Handsome man is indignant at this, as he should by every right have been with the girls. He turns to the bartender and says:
I don't understand! Here I am, handsome and humorous, but the women all leave with the potato! How did he do it?
The bartender responds:
I haven't the slightest. All he did was sit there and lick his eyebrows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx89le/an_extremely_handsome_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What does an antisocial frog say?

Reddit, Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx899y/what_does_an_antisocial_frog_say/
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Traffic lights teach us that if you see a green man, you should start crossing the road.

So that's how I avoid environmentalists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx885k/traffic_lights_teach_us_that_if_you_see_a_green/
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A kid asks his mom "Mom? What is dark humor?"

She responds: "see that man over there with no arms?Tell him to clap."
The kid replies: "but mom, I'm blind!"
Mom: "Exactly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx84pv/a_kid_asks_his_mom_mom_what_is_dark_humor/
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Whenever I go out to eat I always tip my server.

I've also learned that servers have horrible balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx7xkg/whenever_i_go_out_to_eat_i_always_tip_my_server/
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A business man goes to Japan

A man has to go to Japan to have a business meeting for his work. When he gets to Japan he is exhausted from traveling and wants to have a little bit of fun, so on his way to his hotel he picks up a sex worker. They get into it and at one point she starts screaming "Gama su, gama su!" To which the man thinks hes doing a great job because of how loud she is so he continues with what hes doing.
The next morning he goes to his meeting and a translator is there, the meeting goes smoothly and he is just about to head out the door when the translator says "They want to know if you want to go play golf with them." The man is hesitant to say yes because he doesnt know any japanese and feels like it will be difficult to have fun, but he agrees. While theyre playing golf he scores a hole in one and everyone starts to freak out, hes so excited he doesnt know what to say so he says "Gama su, gama su!" A bystander approaches him and says "What you mean wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx7tmp/a_business_man_goes_to_japan/
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Why do T-Rex’s only sell handguns?

Because they’re small arms dealers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx7m09/why_do_trexs_only_sell_handguns/
%
Blind man

A blind man walks into a store with a seeing eye dog. As soon as he walks in he starts twirling the dog around and around over his head. The store manager came up to him and asked if he needed some help and he says, " nah, I'm just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx7lfk/blind_man/
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This was in a children’s animal joke book in my school library

“Why did the bird fall out of the tree?”
“Because it’s dead”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx7j4z/this_was_in_a_childrens_animal_joke_book_in_my/
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A guy without a condom is like a knight without a shield

He's either really good with the sword, or he is really thirsty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx7j4d/a_guy_without_a_condom_is_like_a_knight_without_a/
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What was the worst miscommunication in history?

Hitler: “No! You idiots! I said I hated juice! JUICE!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx7i4i/what_was_the_worst_miscommunication_in_history/
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There are 5 unwritten rules to jokes

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx7fel/there_are_5_unwritten_rules_to_jokes/
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Buddy of mine said "My dream is to have a threesome with my wife and her best friend she's known since school"

"That's great man, way to go and dissapoint *two* women"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx7da7/buddy_of_mine_said_my_dream_is_to_have_a/
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And Jesus said unto them, "Come forth and you shall receive everlasting life."

We all know how John came fith and won a toaster, but Joseph didn't even come and he got a baby!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx77lt/and_jesus_said_unto_them_come_forth_and_you_shall/
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Just got fired from my lawn maintence job.

Apparently I just wasn't cutting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx70lx/just_got_fired_from_my_lawn_maintence_job/
%
What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx6zhy/what_do_you_call_a_fly_with_no_wings/
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3 men preachers go to heaven

3 preachers get in a wreck with their wives and go to heaven, and st. Peter meets them at the gates and says to the first one- "you can't get into heaven. You have lusted for money your whole life. You wouldn't even get married until you found a woman named penny." And then he says to the second man- "you cant get into heaven because you lusted for liquor your whole life. You wouldn't even get married until you found a woman named brandy."
When st. Peter looks to the third man he turns and looks at his wife and says- " let's go Fannie we ain't got no business here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx6y2f/3_men_preachers_go_to_heaven/
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An old man was sitting on his porch one morning when a boy walked up the road carrying a large roll of chicken wire.

“Hey, boy! What are you doing with all that chicken wire?”
“I’m gonna catch some chickens, sir.”
“You fool, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”
The boy smiled and walked off. That evening he came back dragging the chicken wire with at least a dozen chickens rolled up in it.
The next morning, the old man sat on his porch and saw the boy coming down the street with a large pack of gray tape.
“What you got there, boy?”
“It’s Duck Tape brand duct tape, I’m going to catch some ducks today.”
“You fool, you can’t catch no ducks with Duck Tape.”
The boy laughed and later that evening walked by with a large group of ducks wrapped up in tape.
The next morning the man saw the boy coming down the street with a big bundle of reeds.
“What you got there, boy?”
“It’s a bundle of pussy willows, I –”
“Hold on I’ll get my hat!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx6vg9/an_old_man_was_sitting_on_his_porch_one_morning/
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What do Blazes (from Minecraft) and Dutch people have in common

Both live in the nether(lands) and love to blaze it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx6shj/what_do_blazes_from_minecraft_and_dutch_people/
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I like toilets for 2 reasons:

Number 1:
And number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx6rxi/i_like_toilets_for_2_reasons/
%
I stopped vaccinating my kids because I wasn't comfortable jamming a needle into their arms.

Now I get my Doctor to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx6rfn/i_stopped_vaccinating_my_kids_because_i_wasnt/
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John's face was burned in an accident

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned. The doctors couldn't reconstruct his face with John's own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed John's face.
After the surgery, he looked better than ever! His entire family was amazed, but none of them ever learned where the skin came from; they assumed it was his own.
One night John is overcome with emotion so he begins to cry and tells his wife "I love you so much. I'm so grateful for your sacrifice."
She shrugs and says "Honey, all of the thanks I need comes when your mother kisses you on the cheek."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx6ffw/johns_face_was_burned_in_an_accident/
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Only 4 fingers

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx61mk/only_4_fingers/
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People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones

But people from Abu Dhabi Doo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx60tl/people_from_dubai_dont_like_the_flintstones/
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On second thought, maybe Communist America wouldn’t be such a bad idea...

We could all stand to lose a few pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx5vm4/on_second_thought_maybe_communist_america_wouldnt/
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When I come to work, I always hide...

Because a good employee is hard to find!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx5ubo/when_i_come_to_work_i_always_hide/
%
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of thesauruses crashed yesterday

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx5qzn/a_truck_loaded_with_thousands_of_copies_of/
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What is atheism?

A non-prophet organisation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx5l24/what_is_atheism/
%
Vampire joke

Three vampires meet up in the street to talk about their recent kills.
The first vampire has some blood dripping onto his chin.
"See that pole over there?" he asked.
"Yes."
"Well beyond it I found a couple and drained them dry."
The second vampire has blood all over his cheeks and chin.
"See that pole over there?"
"Yes."
"Beyond it there's a coffee shop and I drained every sucker in there."
The third vampire has his entire face covered with blood.
"How many people did you drain?" the others asked.
"See that pole over there?"
"Yes."
"Well I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx5ip8/vampire_joke/
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How did Jesus die?

He got board to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx5icp/how_did_jesus_die/
%
No application forms

What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx5fvd/no_application_forms/
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Today in the Gulf Stream, two dolphins were caught cheating on their significant others, and in the East Australian, a humpback whale gave the term new meaning when he was found in the fins of another beluga.

I like to stay on top of current affairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx5cky/today_in_the_gulf_stream_two_dolphins_were_caught/
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Today I saved a man drowning in the river

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore
Source: University Daytime Janitor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx5ab2/today_i_saved_a_man_drowning_in_the_river/
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What did the nirvana fan say to the sandwich shop guy?

Make me one with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx51sz/what_did_the_nirvana_fan_say_to_the_sandwich_shop/
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One day in a factory accident, one of the workers gets all 10 of his fingers cut off.

They rush him to the emergency room.
Doctor: Don't worry, we can reattach your fingers. Where are they?
Worker: They're back at the factory.
Doctor: What!? Why didn't you bring them?
Worker: I couldn't pick them up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx51kz/one_day_in_a_factory_accident_one_of_the_workers/
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Did you know that french fries were actually not made in France?

They were made in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx4zhc/did_you_know_that_french_fries_were_actually_not/
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The reason there is no Wal-Mart's in the middle east.

Because there is a target at every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx4w95/the_reason_there_is_no_walmarts_in_the_middle_east/
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Whatever You Do, Don’t Lick the Spoon.

A mother and daughter were walking in the park when the child looks over and sees two people having sex under a bench. Curious, as to what was going on, the 5yr old says to her mother, “What are those people doing and why are they naked?  That’s gross!”
The mother looks over and starts to panic.
“They’re um... baking cakes. Yes. They’re  baking cakes and we should leave them be,” she said as she covered her daughters eyes and scurried away.
-
The next morning the child walks down stairs to her mother who is making pancakes in the kitchen. Excited, the girl asks, “Mom, did you and Daddy bake cakes on the couch last night!?”
The mother hesitantly answers, “Yes, sweetie, why do you ask?”
“Because I just licked all the frosting off the pillows.”
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx4ql8/whatever_you_do_dont_lick_the_spoon/
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There's three type of people in this world...

Those that can count, and those that can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx4o9r/theres_three_type_of_people_in_this_world/
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There once was a very honest man...

He was the most honest man around.
Or so he thought.
One day, he was seduced. It was the most beautiful woman ever.
But there's a problem:
He was married.
Being so honest, and to save face, he decided to tell his wife the truth.
So he waited in his home for her to arrive.
But in his preoccupied state, he saw the shrub.
The shrub from his childhood.
It was surrounded by vines, and small saplings.
So he took his machete and cut them down.
He went so late that his wife had gone to bed before he could tell her.
So the next day he waited again.
But the same thing happened. He was hacking down the undergrowth well into the night.
He promised himself he would tell her the next night. And the next.
But he never did. Because he could never stop beating around the bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx4df5/there_once_was_a_very_honest_man/
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What's a 6.9?

Another good thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx48kw/whats_a_69/
%
I like my coffee like I like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx436j/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
When ants are sick

What do ants take when they are sick?
ANTibiotics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx409l/when_ants_are_sick/
%
Today i discovered my electrician was unqualified

I was shocked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx4071/today_i_discovered_my_electrician_was_unqualified/
%
A wife asks her husband...

"Could you go shopping for me and buy a gallon of milk? And if they have avocados, get six."
A short time later, the husband comes home with six gallons of milk.
The wife asks: "Why did you buy six gallons of milk?"
Husband replies: "They had avocados."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx3wqw/a_wife_asks_her_husband/
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If you live in Florida, make sure to take a black and white photo of the hurricane this weekend.

I'm not exactly sure why, but I've heard a lot of buzz about a picture of Dorian, grey. People seem pretty wilde about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx3nsg/if_you_live_in_florida_make_sure_to_take_a_black/
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Two Mexicans are lost in the desert

. They see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see it's draped with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
"Hey, Pepe", says the first man. "Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!" Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets.
"What happened?" shouts Pepe.
With his last breath, his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx38b6/two_mexicans_are_lost_in_the_desert/
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What kind of bee is squishy?

A boo-bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx37o9/what_kind_of_bee_is_squishy/
%
The old lady and the bank

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of England one morning with a bag full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the Chairman of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the customer is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the Chairman's office.
The chairman of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "£165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The chairman was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you      £25,000  that your testicles are square."
The chairman started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the chairman and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the Chairman. "I bet you £25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the chairman of the Bank confidently.
That night, the chairman became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the chairman's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the £25,000 bet made the day before that the chairman's testicles were square.
The chairman confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his trousers etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The chairman was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the chairman if she could touch them. "Of course", said the chairman. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the chairman noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him £100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the Chairman of the Bank of England !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx37fa/the_old_lady_and_the_bank/
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Him : Do you wanna get out of here?

Her : Sure
Him : Good , cause I was saving that seat for my friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx372f/him_do_you_wanna_get_out_of_here/
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My friend said I was bad at spelling. I disagreed, so he challenged me to a spelling bee.

I excepted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx2wfd/my_friend_said_i_was_bad_at_spelling_i_disagreed/
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Worst pub I ever went to was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx2rxb/worst_pub_i_ever_went_to_was_called_the_fiddle/
%
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?

Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx2r1p/why_does_a_chicken_coup_have_2_doors/
%
How much semen is in the average ejaculation?

A whole fuckload

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx2o7u/how_much_semen_is_in_the_average_ejaculation/
%
How do you make 3 pounds of fat look beautiful?

Simple, just add a nipple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx2nrl/how_do_you_make_3_pounds_of_fat_look_beautiful/
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A deaf couple was having trouble communicating in the bedroom once the lights were out.

One day the wife signs to the husband, “Here’s what we can do. If you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast. If you don’t want to, squeeze my right breast.”
“Ok,” signs the husband. “And if you want to have sex, pull on my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, pull on my penis 50 times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx2ei3/a_deaf_couple_was_having_trouble_communicating_in/
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One night a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out his window when he said, "It's going to rain".

His wife asked, "How do you know".
"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx2e66/one_night_a_viking_named_rudolf_the_red_was/
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Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.

In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?"
"FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx2a42/jesus_was_worried_about_the_drug_epidemic/
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It is never a good idea to fight Destiny.

Because then you'll have to fight the other strippers and the bouncer too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx26ny/it_is_never_a_good_idea_to_fight_destiny/
%
A man loads burden onto his donkey and says...

Eukaryote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx23br/a_man_loads_burden_onto_his_donkey_and_says/
%
A dog walks into a bank. "I'd like to make a de-paw-sit."

-"Haha thats funny!"
-"You think my finances are a fucking joke, Jessica?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx20wb/a_dog_walks_into_a_bank_id_like_to_make_a_depawsit/
%
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off.

She said: "Try walking around the house naked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx20oz/i_asked_my_wife_how_to_turn_alexa_off/
%
I lost my watch at a club last night. I thought I would never find it, but I decided to try.Sure enough I found it, but there was a dude standing on it.

The worst part was, he was being very handsy with this women. When she made it very clear that she didn't want "it" he slapped her. That's when I sprung into action and knocked him out. Because you don't hit a women. Not on my watch.!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx1xst/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_club_last_night_i_thought_i/
%
A boy makes money from his Mom's lover

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hide her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your bat and your glove. Let’s go outside and play some baseball.”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx1xk7/a_boy_makes_money_from_his_moms_lover/
%
Yo momma so dumb....

Someone said it was chilly outside and she went to go grab a bowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx1ro4/yo_momma_so_dumb/
%
Wow honey, I never thought our son would go that far!

You're right, the catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx1r1t/wow_honey_i_never_thought_our_son_would_go_that/
%
Was at a “Capital One Cafe” and asked the waitress for her phone number.

Oh NOW they start guarding personal data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx1r0f/was_at_a_capital_one_cafe_and_asked_the_waitress/
%
A girl says, my name's daisy because a daisy fell on my head when I was born.

A boy says, my name's apple because an apple fell on my head when I was born.
Another boy just mumbles something inaudible.
And they both say, shut up cinderblock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx1piw/a_girl_says_my_names_daisy_because_a_daisy_fell/
%
I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants- one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx1n94/i_think_its_a_good_idea_to_wear_two_different/
%
People ask my why I’m always at the carnival.

That’s a fair question...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx1n3g/people_ask_my_why_im_always_at_the_carnival/
%
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore

these are some dark times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx1mmz/i_cant_afford_to_pay_for_electricity_anymore/
%
A police officer pulled over Werner Heisenberg.

The officer said “I clocked you going 75.”
Heisenberg replied “Great, now I’m lost!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx1m42/a_police_officer_pulled_over_werner_heisenberg/
%
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx1ib3/why_is_it_so_hard_to_break_up_with_a_japanese_girl/
%
If you took every student who sleeps in class at any given point in the school day, and laid them end to end...

They would be much more comfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx1i7l/if_you_took_every_student_who_sleeps_in_class_at/
%
If you mix australia and russia together

It creates the blyatypus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx1764/if_you_mix_australia_and_russia_together/
%
I got in trouble for making obscene remarks about a co-worker's butt

But looking at harrassment the world to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx12fv/i_got_in_trouble_for_making_obscene_remarks_about/
%
A boy asked his mother

"Mommy, why are you white and I'm black?"
Mommy replied "Son, the way things were going at that party, you are lucky you don't bark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx10pm/a_boy_asked_his_mother/
%
A writer, a mathematician, and a programmer are stuck in a plane on the runway.

The writer says, "I bet I could write a story about plane delays and how awful they are. I think a lot of people would relate to it and the airlines would improve their service after hearing the outcry."
The mathematician says, "I bet I could write a theorem on the average amount of time each plane is delayed and why. They could learn a thing or two and improve the average speed."
The programmer says, "I bet I could write some code to automate the entire process. The delays would be worse, but it would give people more free time to complain about airline delays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx0v77/a_writer_a_mathematician_and_a_programmer_are/
%
"Mom, I'm dating a man"

"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
credit: u/Authwarth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx0v5p/mom_im_dating_a_man/
%
When I worked at Blockbuster back then, I had a German colleague who strictly refused to hand out "An American Tail" to customers.

He obviously had a Nein-to-Fievel job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx0fuf/when_i_worked_at_blockbuster_back_then_i_had_a/
%
I asked my husband if I looked fat

His answer was, “Do I look stupid?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx0dka/i_asked_my_husband_if_i_looked_fat/
%
Which is worse? Ignorance or apathy?

Ya know, on second thought, I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx05ki/which_is_worse_ignorance_or_apathy/
%
I can't believe someone broke into our garage and stole my limbo stick.

Seriously, how low can you go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cx00q8/i_cant_believe_someone_broke_into_our_garage_and/
%
I seriously hate cat calling

The fucking cat never comes home when I call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwzzu4/i_seriously_hate_cat_calling/
%
When is a door not a door?

When it's a-jar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwzzow/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
%
An engineering professor is ranting to his class one day

He says "I hate when engineering students call themselves 'engineers', you don't hear medical students calling themselves 'doctors', or art students calling themselves 'unemployed'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwzymx/an_engineering_professor_is_ranting_to_his_class/
%
Why were photographers so depressed before digital cameras were invented?

They spent too long processing the negatives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwzx9w/why_were_photographers_so_depressed_before/
%
What kind of bird struggles to take off?

A Velcrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwzvia/what_kind_of_bird_struggles_to_take_off/
%
This morning I gave up my seat on a bus to a blind man

I also got fired from my job as a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwzuo7/this_morning_i_gave_up_my_seat_on_a_bus_to_a/
%
Last night I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda

It turns it was just a fanta sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwzqeg/last_night_i_had_a_dream_i_was_swimming_in_an/
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To the person who stole my presentation

I hope you do not Excel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwzlyj/to_the_person_who_stole_my_presentation/
%
What does living with a pregnant woman and being in a hostage situation have in common?

However some people may see it, I can't
Even imagine it in my own
Life because my wife is
Perfect in every way. She makes
Me complete. I love
Every part of her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwzlae/what_does_living_with_a_pregnant_woman_and_being/
%
I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?”
Me: “John”
Homeless man: “So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?
How many legs does that chicken have.”
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?”
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?”
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?”
Me: “I don’t know? A lot?”
Homeless man: “Well Johnny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwz5k8/i_was_in_venice_beach_in_january_and_there_was_a/
%
To the person who stole my MS Office.

I will find you. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwz41d/to_the_person_who_stole_my_ms_office/
%
Don’t judge a book by its cover. Why?

My maths textbook had a picture of someone having fun on the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwyyfe/dont_judge_a_book_by_its_cover_why/
%
What do you call a circumcision performed by Steven Spielberg?

A Director's Cut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwysrk/what_do_you_call_a_circumcision_performed_by/
%
So I got fired from the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance.
I just pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwyro6/so_i_got_fired_from_the_bank_today/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwyogc/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign_that_reads/
%
What do you call a boat who just got a baby dinghy?

A mothership

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwynjd/what_do_you_call_a_boat_who_just_got_a_baby_dinghy/
%
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,

so I can watch it with my family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwynei/the_best_thing_about_japanese_porn_is_they_censor/
%
I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time my wife was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
I stopped abruptly and rolled over to my side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping?" she moaned.
I whispered back, "I found the remote."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwyguh/i_started_by_running_my_hand_across_her_shoulders/
%
What do you call a hen that can count?

A Mathmachicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwycfh/what_do_you_call_a_hen_that_can_count/
%
“Your gambling addiction is getting out of hand”

"I bet you $50 it isn’t mate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwyap5/your_gambling_addiction_is_getting_out_of_hand/
%
A man dies and finds himself in an elevator

He did expect a light at the end of the tunnel and all that, but he decides to see where things are going. Pretty soon, the destination of his elevator-ride is showing up on the display: "Hell"
"Well", the man thinks, "I've had a good life. Fair's fair I guess."
The elevator opens and to his surprise hell isn't all fire and brimstone - it's a lush meadow with a pleasant blue sky and a small man in a white suit waiting for him, a beaming smile on his face.
"Excuse me", the man asks, "I think I'm at the wrong place."
"No, no, I assure you, this is alright", the man in the white suit says. "This is indeed hell. And yes, I am the Devil."
The man is surprised but decides not to question it. Instead he asks: "Can I have a look around?"
"Feel free", the Devil encourages him.
So the man walks around and finds hell to be rather pleasant. People sitting at swimming pools, laughing, talking, enjoying what seems to be the best food afterlife has to offer. But after a while, he notices a huge wall in the distance. Curious, he approaches and finds that the wall seems to be stretching infinitely in both directions. He follows it for a while and eventually spots a crack which he looks through.
On the other side, it's hell in the worst sense: Fire is everywhere. People are screaming in agonizing pain as red-hot hooks are pierced through their skin. They are boiled alive, every bone in their body gets broken and demons of all shapes and sizes laugh at their pain. Struck with horror, the man turns around to run but freezes as he sees the Devil standing behind him.
"What's up with that wall?", the man asks in horror.
"Oh, that", the devil says offhandely. "That's the Christians. It's the way they want it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwy834/a_man_dies_and_finds_himself_in_an_elevator/
%
I'm on a whisky diet;

I've lost three days already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwy6be/im_on_a_whisky_diet/
%
I would never cheat in a relationship,

because that would require two people to find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwy55i/i_would_never_cheat_in_a_relationship/
%
Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third. The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, "Nah, I'd only give her a 2." "A 2? How can you give her a 2?" says one of the three guys at the table. "She's a real pretty girl." The bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women." The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that he'd only give her a 5. "A 5? How can you give her just a 5? She's absolutely gorgeous!" The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women. "The Budweiser method?" they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused. Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 5'11" goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three "judges" at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7. "A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? She's gorgeous!" "Well," says the bartender again, "I use the Budweiser method for rating women." "Budweiser!" says one of the guys, exasperated. "What in the Hell is this 'Budweiser method' for rating women?" "Well, says the bartender, "the Budweiser method for rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwxz6c/budweiser_method/
%
Have you heard the story of the window you couldn't see through?

Well, I can't tell you anyway. It's too dirty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwxr7j/have_you_heard_the_story_of_the_window_you/
%
Lot of good things about having a mum who's a hairdresser. Getting my hair dyed at home, for example.

That's a personal highlight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwxqpn/lot_of_good_things_about_having_a_mum_whos_a/
%
A boy was always getting low grades in maths...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F's, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.
After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without saying anything. After a couple of hours, his parents went up to check on him only to see him in his room doing doing maths revision. They were confused but happy.
This went on every day for the rest of the year and at the end, the boy proudly held up his grade of an a+ in maths.
His parents asked him what change his mind about maths.
The boy said: "on my first day of school, when I walked into the maths class, there was a guy nailed to a plus sign. That's when I knew they meant business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwxpsk/a_boy_was_always_getting_low_grades_in_maths/
%
Playing dodge ball with kids is so much harder than it looks

You have to use both your hands to throw them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwxeiz/playing_dodge_ball_with_kids_is_so_much_harder/
%
Daughter: can I keep the night light on?

Me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwxctc/daughter_can_i_keep_the_night_light_on/
%
A man and his wife are sitting in the livingroom one evening. He was tapping away on his phone while she was curled up reading a book when suddenly they heard her phone ping from the kitchen.

She went to the kitchen to read the text message from her husband "Could you bring me a beer from the fridge while you're there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwx7zm/a_man_and_his_wife_are_sitting_in_the_livingroom/
%
At the food court today, I was behind this lady arguing with a food vendor.

It seems she ate 3/4 of her food but decided she didn’t like it and insisted on a full refund. I felt bad for the young girl working the front alone, but mostly just wanted to get back to my kids, so I interrupted with the intention of offering to pay for her meal.
She turns around and sticks her finger in my face, then shouts “Do you want me to make your life a living hell too!”
I casually replied “I appreciate the offer, but I’m really not ready for a relationship right now.”
She glared in embarrassment for a few seconds and then stormed off. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwx4b3/at_the_food_court_today_i_was_behind_this_lady/
%
What kind of killer targets Catholic churches?

A mass murderer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwx0zc/what_kind_of_killer_targets_catholic_churches/
%
A White horse walks into a bar.

The barman remarks "Did you know there's a drink named after you?"
The horse replies "Kevin ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwwu9y/a_white_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why are brake shops going bankrupt?

Because people have hard time stoping by

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwwo51/why_are_brake_shops_going_bankrupt/
%
What do you call an italian fortune teller with a negative outlook on the future?

A pesto-mystic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwwla5/what_do_you_call_an_italian_fortune_teller_with_a/
%
How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwwegs/how_do_you_catch_a_squirrel/
%
The other day i saw a piece of toast in a cage in the zoo...

It was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cww8px/the_other_day_i_saw_a_piece_of_toast_in_a_cage_in/
%
Do vegetarians prefer moons or asteroids?

Moons, because asteroids are are a little meteor.
(Made up for my kids today)
#dadjoke #sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cww6nv/do_vegetarians_prefer_moons_or_asteroids/
%
Yesterday, I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass.

I've officially hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cww5ci/yesterday_i_slapped_dwayne_johnsons_ass/
%
Bumper sticker: I snatch kisses

and vice versa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cww3it/bumper_sticker_i_snatch_kisses/
%
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend

He keeps asking for another shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cww2zq/a_bartender_broke_up_with_her_boyfriend/
%
What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwvvcj/what_do_alcoholics_and_necrophiliacs_have_in/
%
To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in.

I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwvu92/to_the_person_who_stole_my_bag_with_my/
%
My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause you don't look so grate," says Dr. JaColby as he examines Farmesan. Dr JaColby remarks, "The problem is you have a dactyly." A confused Farmesan replies,"Please doc, Brie more specific!"
"Sorry," says Dr. JaColby, "that's medical Jargonzola meaning you lactose." Farmesan looks down at his left foot and sees milk spilling out of stumps where his toes should be. "Holey Cheesus, the whole of my foot is Swiss, how Gouda have missed this?" Looking down at his milk-spilling foot, Farmesan wells up. "Don't cry over that, it's really nacho fault. I know a whey to fix this." says Dr. JaColby. "O queso what are we going to do?" asks Farmesan. "Ricotta coagulate the Milk coming out of your foot to Gruyère new toes." Doctor JaColby drops some coagulant on each stub and five chee-toes form on his foot. "Casein point, you're all cheddar now!" Dr JaColby exclaims. "I'm curd!" proclaims Farmesan. Farmesan walks back to his cottage fetas a fiddle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwvqn8/my_younger_brother_took_his_life_3_years_ago/
%
Why do Anti-Vaxxers drink Coke and Pepsi?

Because they think Dr, Pepper causes autism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwvnm4/why_do_antivaxxers_drink_coke_and_pepsi/
%
I rear ended a Dwarf at the traffic lights on the way to work this morning!

He jumped out of his car and stormed up to my window motioning for me to roll it down. He said, "I'm not Happy!"
I said, "Then which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwvmdb/i_rear_ended_a_dwarf_at_the_traffic_lights_on_the/
%
What kinda murderer only kills in the mornings?

A cereal killer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwvlb6/what_kinda_murderer_only_kills_in_the_mornings/
%
What do pigs put on their cuts?

Oinkment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwvc92/what_do_pigs_put_on_their_cuts/
%
They say cancers hard to beat

But it only took me a month to get to stage 4.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwvbh0/they_say_cancers_hard_to_beat/
%
What's the difference between a mosquito and your girlfriend?

Your girlfriend will keep sucking even after you slap it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwv97e/whats_the_difference_between_a_mosquito_and_your/
%
Little Johnny walked into a Bar

and
aggressively shouted his order to the bar man,
”Please give me half chicken tandoori and then
give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton,
bcoz when I eat, I want everyone to eat!”
Bar man processed his request and gave him
his
meal and everyone else their meals.
When they finished enjoying their meal he
shouted for another order, ”Give me a bottle
of Champagne and give everybody else a bottle
of Johnny Walker Black, bcoz when I drink, I
want everybody to drink!”
Everyone was happy and singing praises, saying
Johnny is “The Man”.
When he finished his drink he shouted again:
“Give me my bill and give everyone else their
own bill, bcoz when I pay, I want everyone to
pay....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwv93a/little_johnny_walked_into_a_bar/
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What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwv7j6/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_mosquito_with_a/
%
I went and saw Pearl Jam and I thought to myself...

This couldn’t get Eddie Vedder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwv5xe/i_went_and_saw_pearl_jam_and_i_thought_to_myself/
%
What did the snail tell the slug?

I love Michelle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwv3im/what_did_the_snail_tell_the_slug/
%
A boy was driving home to Minnesota from his first semester of college...

...in California for winter break. He had the car packed and he left after his last final. He wanted to make good time so he drove all night, but as the sun came up his stomach started to rumble...it was time for breakfast!
He pulled into a mom and pop diner and it looked exactly like you'd expect a midwest greasy spoon/truck stop-type restaraunt to look: red and white checkered plastic table cloths, napkin holders, cook wearing a stained white t-shirt, the whole works.  A very old waitress greets him and asks him what he'd like to eat. The boy, already exhausted from driving all night, orders the eggs Benedict, a glass of orange juice, and a cup of coffee.  After a little while, and after a couple cups of coffee, the boy's order is ready.  The waitress brings out his meal on the fanciest china he had ever seen...real crystal for the OJ, polished  silver.
Taken aback, the boy asks the waitress "thanks, but what is with the fancy place setting?" The waitress smiles and reveals a missing tooth and replies, "well you know, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
p.s. I know it's an oldie...I heard this version on Car Talk years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwuzyl/a_boy_was_driving_home_to_minnesota_from_his/
%
There was two mice who lived together named Out and In

The two mice lived in the same hole, but whenever Out was out, In was in, and whenever In was out, Out was in. So that means that they were never in the same hole at the same time.
One day Out was out and In was in, but when Out came back home, he immediately knew that In was dead before going inside. How did he know that In was dead?
In stinked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwux9u/there_was_two_mice_who_lived_together_named_out/
%
A guy walks in to a brothel and puts $1000 down on the table. He then says to the madame "I want your ugliest girl and macaroni and cheese."

The madame replies "for that kind of money, you can have one of our finest girls and a three course gourmet meal." The guy replies "Sorry honey, I'm not horny, just home sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwuwh3/a_guy_walks_in_to_a_brothel_and_puts_1000_down_on/
%
How does the outcast 8th Dwarf, Sleazy, start his work day?

With a song, "Hi hoes, hi hoes! Off to work you go!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwutlb/how_does_the_outcast_8th_dwarf_sleazy_start_his/
%
A man is walking past an insane asylum.

He hears everyone inside chanting,”13! 13! 13! 13!” He’s curious so he sees a little hole in the wall and proceeds to look through it. Suddenly his eye gets poked by a sharp stick. Then they all start chanting,”14! 14! 14!14!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwuowx/a_man_is_walking_past_an_insane_asylum/
%
To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Office

I will find you, you have my Word!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwuo7u/to_whomever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office/
%
If carrots got you drunk,

rabbits would be messed-up.
-Mitch Headberg
RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwuluo/if_carrots_got_you_drunk/
%
Why was the ketchup blushing?

It saw the salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwujw0/why_was_the_ketchup_blushing/
%
In the middle of a summer, Bubba and Billy Ray are fishing in a lake, while a tourist on water skis keeps doing circles around their boat...

Bubba eyes the tourist, and, after a while, mutters:
"That guy sure's scarin' away all them fish with that racket..."
"Sure is," Billy Ray agrees.
"Say," Bubba suggests, "why don't we smack an oar next time he passes us, an' splash him?"
Billy Ray likes the idea, and they do just that - but the startled skier loses control, falls into the water, and goes under.
"Dayum," Bubba says, "we better save his ass 'afore he drowns!"
So the boys dive in, and after a while they manage to pull out one utterly unmoving, pale, limp man. They drag him into their boat, and Billy Ray begins to give him artificial respiration.
"Is he breathin'?" Bubba asks after a while. Billy Ray shakes his head.
"Naw, not yet," he answers, "but God dayum, don't his mouth stink some'n' awful! I can barely stand it!"
"Well, keep goin'," Bubba says, "we need to save'im! He went all the way to the bottom!"
So Billy Ray keeps giving the tourist the kiss of life. A few minutes later, Bubba frowns.
"Say, Billy Ray," he says, "wasn't the guy we scared wearin' them water skis?"
"Sure was," Billy Ray says, "why?"
"'Cuz this guy's wearin' ice skates..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwue4d/in_the_middle_of_a_summer_bubba_and_billy_ray_are/
%
Bureaucrat (n).

Someone with a 2 digit IQ, and a 3 digit income, with a 4 digit budget, with the fate of 5 digit number of people in their hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwu70s/bureaucrat_n/
%
Genesis does what Nintendon't

16-bit graphics.
blast processing.
...
...
...
Going outta business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwu6x2/genesis_does_what_nintendont/
%
I asked my friend from North Korea how life is like there

He said "I can't complain"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwu14y/i_asked_my_friend_from_north_korea_how_life_is/
%
A priest is going on vacation

So a priest is going on vacation, and to fill in, the diocese sent a replacement for the week.
Before the priest leaves, he shows his replacement everything around the church and tells him everything he needs to know while he’s there. One of the things he was shown was a chart in the confessional booth with all different sins and what the penance should be.
A couple days later, the replacement priest is hearing confessions. The first person comes in and tells him that he has stolen from a friend. Sure enough, when he looks at the chart, he finds theft and tells the man to say 2 Hail Marys.
The next person comes in and confessed to the priest that she has lied to her boss. The priest looks on the chart and finds lying, and tells the woman to say one our father.
Later on, a woman comes in and tells the priest that she performed oral sex on her boyfriend. The priest is looking on the chart but can’t find oral sex anywhere on there. He begins to panic and opens to door where he sees one of the altar boys walking past.
He calls him over and asks him what father usually gives for oral sex.
The altar boy says “usually two candies and a soda.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwu0qj/a_priest_is_going_on_vacation/
%
I feel like a lot of girls are like spaghetti

Straight until wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwtwt1/i_feel_like_a_lot_of_girls_are_like_spaghetti/
%
How do A Capela groups get famous?

By word of mouth
^This ^is ^my ^original ^joke ^I ^thought ^of ^today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwtwko/how_do_a_capela_groups_get_famous/
%
I once heard of this man who told me "You are what you eat"...

But I just don't understand why such an intelligent person would be called an asshole many times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwtwdg/i_once_heard_of_this_man_who_told_me_you_are_what/
%
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money!"

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You can't do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwtqsk/a_thief_stuck_a_pistol_in_a_mans_ribs_and_said/
%
Wanna hear a joke about my penis?

It's in the setup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwtlcs/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_my_penis/
%
Did you know diarrhea is genetic?

Yeah, it runs through your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwtjgg/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_genetic/
%
Bill gates dies

He dies and meets God. God tells him, “Now, Bill, you lived an extraordinary life. The products you made helped many people. However, there were also some debacles like Windows 95. I’m unsure whether to send you to Heaven and Hell. This is why, I’ve decided that for the first time in eternity, I am going to let you choose.”
Bill Gates replies, “That will do just fine. Just take me to Heaven and Hell and I can choose for myself.” God obliges. First they visit Heaven. Heaven is beautiful, a true sight to behold. Bill is amazed. There is every type of food imaginable, and beautiful women everywhere! However, he notices that there is no wine or alcohol. He asks God why this is. God tells him, “My son, it is seen as a sin to consume alcohol, and after all, this is heaven.”Bill thinks about this and decides it makes sense, although he is clearly disappointed.
Four hours in, and Bill is getting bored, so he decides to start chatting up a woman. He talks to her a little bit and asks if she wants to go back to his place. She gasps and says, “Absolutely not! This is the Lord’s Palace! Sex before marriage is prohibited here!”
Bill is quite annoyed at this point and decides he has had it with Heaven. He finds God and tells him, “God, I want to see Hell.” God willingly acquiesces. He snaps his fingers and suddenly, they appear in Hell. Bill looks around and sees copious amount of alcohol flowing in rivers. He realizes that women, even more beautiful than the ones in Heaven are leading men back to their homes. Bill, without thinking twice says, “I want to go to Hell!” God acquiesces.
Two weeks pass.
God decides to check on how Bill is doing. He goes down to Hell to check on him. When he gets there he finds Bill horribly tortured and nailed to a massive cross. Bill, upon seeing God, screams, “How the hell could you do this to me? Hell is nothing like you showed me! I have been tortured horribly since I have been here and I haven’t had a speck of alcohol or sex!” God smiles and replies, “Bill, I never lied to you! This is Hell! That was just a free trial!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwtho7/bill_gates_dies/
%
To whomever broke into my shop and stole three hundred cans of Red Bull:

I don't know how you can sleep at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwtdxx/to_whomever_broke_into_my_shop_and_stole_three/
%
What do you call a rude black hole?

A masshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwt8o7/what_do_you_call_a_rude_black_hole/
%
A man wakes up at 2:22 sharp and gets dressed.

He goes down to the coffee shop and his order comes to $2.22. He finds $2 on his windshield and arrives to work in exactly 2 minutes. “All these 2s” he thinks “ maybe it could mean something”
So he goes down to the hound racing at bets all his savings, his house and his car on #2 and watches anxiously.
It came 2nd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwt8i7/a_man_wakes_up_at_222_sharp_and_gets_dressed/
%
I knew a rabbi who wouldn’t accept payment for circumcisions,

He only took tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwt8dy/i_knew_a_rabbi_who_wouldnt_accept_payment_for/
%
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

The both got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwt81u/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_who_stole_a/
%
They are working on a new movie to be titled Constipation

No idea when it's going to come out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwt6r1/they_are_working_on_a_new_movie_to_be_titled/
%
I took a leak next to a psychologist and I didn't hear a thing.

His P was silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwt3tf/i_took_a_leak_next_to_a_psychologist_and_i_didnt/
%
What does a Hawaiian peasant say?

Serfs Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwt3ak/what_does_a_hawaiian_peasant_say/
%
A New Life

Haruki Ita, a Japanese man with gender dysphoria had recently left Japan after fully transitioning to start a new life as a woman.
First, she tried moving to Canada. With its liberal social policies, and accepting populace, it seemed the perfect place. But the very first night in the hotel, she made a call to the manager to request additional towels, and the call ended with "Have a good night, Mr. Ita." Taking that as a sign that Canada was not the place for her, she booked a flight to leave early the next morning.
So she tried going to the United States, which had made some strides recently in LGBT rights. But let's be honest, the US is kind of a dumpster fire right now, what with the Nazis and such, so she moved on.
Finally she flew to Cuba, just to sit on the beach and escape from everything. Everyone in Cuba was so kind, so accommodating, and addressed her respectfully. She even went out without any makeup, and still, everyone went out of their way to use her new pronouns.
After two weeks, she contacted a local realtor and said she wanted to buy a house.
"Why would you want to stay here, when you could live anywhere in the world?" asked the realtor.
"I love it when you call me señorita."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwsrsv/a_new_life/
%
A Prince is Cursed by a Witch.

He can only say one word a year. But, he can decline to say one word a year and say two words the next year and so on and so forth. One day, he sees a beautiful princess. He wants to ask her to marry him. So, he decides to wait four years to ask her to marry him. But on the second year, he decided to make it more romantic. So, he waits more. It’s extremely hard but he finally has finally waited enough years without talking. So, he took her on a walk to the garden. He kneels then grabs her hand and says,”My Love, will you marry me?” The princess’ responded with,”Pardon?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwsnwz/a_prince_is_cursed_by_a_witch/
%
What did the giraffe say when he walked into the bar?

Highballs are on me !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwsmlz/what_did_the_giraffe_say_when_he_walked_into_the/
%
Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwsl7f/trump_says_to_pence_chinas_mining_too_many_ores/
%
I told my husband I was going to weight training tomorrow...

He said hold on, just hold on a sec, hold on a little longer. Then he said “I’m giving you wait training now”
That literally just happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwshri/i_told_my_husband_i_was_going_to_weight_training/
%
An old mafia boss was at the end of his life

He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with the pope in Rome.
The pope listened to all the sins the mafia boss had committed. "I can give you absolution for your sins," the pope said "but let me be honest. It will take a lot of work and it is going to cost you"
The pope took out his calculator, added the numbers and answered.
"Fifty million dollars" the pope said.
That was a lot of money to the mafia boss. He had known it was going to be expensive but he had not expected it to be that expensive.
He decided to get another offer so he arranged a meeting with the patriarch in Moscow. The patriarch listened to his sins, nodded and poured himself another glass of vodka. "I can give you absolution for your sins" he said "but let me be honest. It will take a lot of work and it is going to cost you"
The patriarch took out his calculator, added the numbers and answered.
"Twenty million dollars" the patriarch said.
That was sill a lot of money so the mafia boss decided to get a third offer and arranged a meeting with the chief rabbi in Jerusalem. The chief rabbi listened to his sins and said "I can give you absolution for your sins, no problem".
"How much will it cost me?" the mafia boss asked.
The chief rabbi took out his calculator, added the numbers and answered
"Two hundred dollars" he said.
"The pope in Rome wanted fifty million dollars and the patriarch in Moscow wanted twenty million. How can you do it so cheap?" the mafia boss asked.
"Oh that's easy," the chief rabbi answered "we call at local rates"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwsfem/an_old_mafia_boss_was_at_the_end_of_his_life/
%
American society is best summarized by Christmas time

People who buy a bunch of shit while being surrounded by snowflakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwsd3p/american_society_is_best_summarized_by_christmas/
%
A man had died

He found himself standing before the Pearly Gates. He knocked and a friendly-looking old man wit a white beard opened the door and introduced himself as Saint Peter.
"Come in!" st. Peter said.
"Do you mean I get to go to heaven?"
"Yeah, sure" st. Peter Said "Come in. I'll give you a tour of the place"
They walked around for a while. "Look at that lake," st. Peter said "isn't it lovely"
"Yes it is," the man answered. I have never seen a lake that beautiful. But are you sure I'm in the right place? I mean... I can't remember the last time I set my foot in a church."
"Don't worry." st. Peter said "We don't care about stuff like that here."
They walked along for a while. St. Peter showed the man a beautiful meadow. "Isn't that a lovely meadow?" St. Peter asked.
"I have never seen anything as lush and beautiful before." The man said. "But are you really sure I belong in this place. I really liked to drink and to party."
"Don't worry." st. Peter said "We don't care about stuff like that here."
They walked along for a while and came to a forest. "Isn't that a beautiful forest?" St. Peter asked.
"It is. It is so calm and beautiful." The man said. "But tell me... Honestly. Are you sure the paperwork has not been messed up? I was a big time fornicator... Swinger clubs, same sex relationships, lots and lots of different partners... I did it all..."
"Don't worry." st. Peter said "We don't care about stuff like that here."
They walked along for a while and they came to a big wall that seemed like it went on forever. People stood along the wall as far as the eye could see and were repeatedly slamming their heads into the wall.
"Who are those people?" the man asked.
"Oh," said St. Peter "those are the people who are regretful because of all the things we don't care about."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cws5to/a_man_had_died/
%
Blonde on an airplane

A blonde boards an airplane heading from California to Texas. She takes a seat in first class. The flight attendant taps her on the shoulder gently, and says, "Miss, your seat in is coach. I need you to move please." The blonde says, "No, I'm blonde and beautiful and I deserve to sit in first class." The flight attendant trys to reason with the woman for a moment before getting fustrated and goes to tell the pilot. The co-pilot stands up and says, "Dont worry, I'll deal with this." He goes back to first class and tells the blonde, "Excuse me, Miss, but I need you to take your seat in coach." Again, the blonde replies with a hair flip, "No, I'm blonde and beautiful and deserve to ride to Texas in first class." The co-pilot tries fruitlessly to reason with her and finally gets fed up and goes back to the cockpit. He tells the pilot what transpired and the pilot gets up to take care of the problem, saying, "Dont worry, my wife is blonde." Within 30 seconds of talking to her, the blonde gets wide eyes and grabs all her things to head back to her seat in coach. The flight attendant and co-pilot are shocked, they both ask, "What did you say to get her to move?!"
The pilot with a grin on his face, replies, "Easy, I told her that first class wasnt going to Texas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cws1tz/blonde_on_an_airplane/
%
Johnny was a bitter man

"Look at all those trees" he said as he pointed towards a forest. "I planted all of those. Do they call me Johnny Tree-planter for that reason? No they don't"
Johnny turned around and pointed at a row of houses. "Look at all those houses." He said. "I built those. All of them. Do they call me Johnny House-builder for that reason? No they don't."
"But," said Johnny "if you fuck a goat *once*..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwrvgu/johnny_was_a_bitter_man/
%
I wrote a play about pasta and fairly won an award

Didn't even have to rig a Tony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwrtfx/i_wrote_a_play_about_pasta_and_fairly_won_an_award/
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Which Larry is it?

Dave: I invited Larry to our dinner party tonight.
Sally: Wait! You mean the Larry who can’t spell, or the Larry who is a cannibal?
*phone chimes*
Text from Larry: I can’t wait to meat Sally tonight...
Dave: yeah... I’m not sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwrrhk/which_larry_is_it/
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What do you call a group of crows at a planned meet up?

Pre-meditated Murder.
What do you call a group of agitated crows?
Aggravated Murder.
I will see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwrj42/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_crows_at_a_planned/
%
I used to drive an ice cream truck

Until I got arrested for theft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwrgdl/i_used_to_drive_an_ice_cream_truck/
%
why doesn't stalin's plane work?

he left the right wing in the gulag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwrdzc/why_doesnt_stalins_plane_work/
%
A woman and man share a bunk bed on a train.

There’s a train that goes every night from New York to Chicago. It’s an overnight train,where you get your own room to sleep in.It leaves New York at 1 in the morning and gets to Chicago at 10 in the morning. A man checks into his room, and suddenly the door opens and a woman checks in. Normally, the train company wouldn’t put a single woman and a single man to share a room together, but it was the last room on the train and the woman insisted she had to be in Chicago as soon as possible. The woman slept on the lower bunk and the man slept on the top bunk. The train departed as normal, but it was a colder than average night.After a while, the man said to the lady underneath “ I’m a little chilled, could I borrow a blanket”. The lady looked up and said “ y’know, we’re never gonna see each other again again, we’re on this train all alone, for one night, we have 9 hours to spare. Why don’t we pretend to be husband and wife for the night”. Guy gets excited and says “sure”. The lady says “ good, get your own fucking blanket”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwr8db/a_woman_and_man_share_a_bunk_bed_on_a_train/
%
So Doctor, you're saying I can masturbate whenever I want to?

No David, I said you can have a stroke at any time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwr7ez/so_doctor_youre_saying_i_can_masturbate_whenever/
%
If you get your period in prison

Is that the end of your sentence?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwr6yq/if_you_get_your_period_in_prison/
%
Cowboys don’t roll joints.

They tumble weed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwr0u1/cowboys_dont_roll_joints/
%
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwqzyo/whats_the_difference_between_the_bird_flu_and_the/
%
To the guy who has my glasses,

I can’t see why you would do something like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwqvyt/to_the_guy_who_has_my_glasses/
%
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is a big heavy animal the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwqvvi/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
What's a pirates favorite letter?

Answer:
The c

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwquku/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
Why do you watch Food Network all the time, I asked my wife.

You suck at cooking and watching doesn't make you any better!
She replied "Why do you watch porn?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwqqy6/why_do_you_watch_food_network_all_the_time_i/
%
The rare talking koala bear was lost in transit..

From Austrailia to the New York zoo.  He wandered down a back alley and saw a sexy lady in heels and a short skirt smoking a cigarette.
She was shocked when he asked her for one of her cigarettes.  "Omg you can talk?"
After talking she invited him inside and before she knew it he was up her skirt and performed cunnilingus in ways she could never have imagined.  As soon as she had her last orgasm he scurried toward the door.
She called to stop him, "wait that'll be $100!"  He looked at her confused.  She said, "I am a prostitute"  again a confused look.    So she grabbed an old dictionary, flipped through the pages to P, "see right here, prostitute, someone who does sexual favors for money"
He responded, yeah but I am a koala Bear.
Confused she flips the pages back to K and reads, koala bear, little furry animal that eats bushes and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwqq66/the_rare_talking_koala_bear_was_lost_in_transit/
%
What is Spiderman's favorite song?

Dust in the Wind. He can really relate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwqmuj/what_is_spidermans_favorite_song/
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I told my boyfriend I was bi-sexual....

He *buys* me food, and I'll get *sexual*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwqkqc/i_told_my_boyfriend_i_was_bisexual/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwqetf/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note... ...I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwqb66/the_other_day_a_homeless_man_asked_me_for_some/
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My friend said that the only food that can make you cry is an onion

So I threw a coconut at him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwq5xj/my_friend_said_that_the_only_food_that_can_make/
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My father nearly died choking on a sausage in Germany

From that moment on, we feared the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwq55l/my_father_nearly_died_choking_on_a_sausage_in/
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I had a female Physics teacher in my school.

One day, a guy asked her, "What is the unit of power?"
"That's watt", she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwq25d/i_had_a_female_physics_teacher_in_my_school/
%
A little boy is walking home from his friend's house,

When he sees something in the middle of the road. He bends over and picks up a picture of a smiling pretty girl holding up two fingers. He thinks, "Wow! What a cool picture! I'm going to show Mo-." The boy is hit by a truck and instantly dies. A man gets out of the truck in a panic and 911 already punched in on his phone, he looks at the boy, lying up ahead on the road. He looks down and notices a picture of a smiling pretty girl. He picks it up and notices she is holding up three fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwpyvz/a_little_boy_is_walking_home_from_his_friends/
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To the handicapped person who stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide, but you can't run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwpshk/to_the_handicapped_person_who_stole_my_camouflage/
%
My friend is Irish. - Oh really?

O'Reilly actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwpp2g/my_friend_is_irish_oh_really/
%
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?

I guess we will know when the time comes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwpl5z/is_the_world_ready_for_ejaculating_clocks/
%
Why do sharks prefer saltwater?

Because pepperwater makes them sneeze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwpj8w/why_do_sharks_prefer_saltwater/
%
For a good time call

Co worker told me this one.
Guy walks into a bathroom and notices a number.
"For a good time, call xxx-xxxx"
So he did. It rang and rang, and a woman answered the phone. A familiar woman....
"MOM?! Why the hell is your number in the men's bathroom?"
"Its the only way to get you to call me, sweetie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwpfgd/for_a_good_time_call/
%
C, Eb and G walk into a bar:

The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve minors"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwpdar/c_eb_and_g_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A man nervously walks into a library

He asks the librarian if there are any books on paranoia. The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwpbc4/a_man_nervously_walks_into_a_library/
%
A burglar breaks into a house

and is starting to go through the valuables when he hears "Jesus is watching".
He freezes, looking around for whoever said it, but after a minute of silence he starts to think that maybe he imagined it.
He goes back to rifling through drawers, stealing the silverware and looking for jewelry when again he hears "Jesus is watching"
This time he is sure the sound came from the corner of the room and peering through the darkness he realises it's coming from a birdcage. Giving a sigh of relief he goes over to the cage and sees a parrot inside and the nameplate on the cage reads "Moses"
The thief has a little chuckle and says "What kind of person names their parrot Moses?"
He hears a low growl from behind him as the parrot replies "The same kind of people who name a Rottweiler Jesus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwp5e8/a_burglar_breaks_into_a_house/
%
Today, a vegan woman approached me...

...she claimed we knew each other, but I swear I've never met herbivore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwoyfr/today_a_vegan_woman_approached_me/
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I suddenly decided to have an orgy in the dark last night.

I don't know what came over me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwol1s/i_suddenly_decided_to_have_an_orgy_in_the_dark/
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A Manchester United fan, Liverpool fan and an Everton fan were caught drinking in Saudi Arabia....

An Everton fan, a Liverpool fan and a Manchester United fan were all in Saudi Arabia drinking a smuggled crate of booze.
All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.
For their punishment the Saudi Arabia Sheik decided that the punishment should be 20 lashes with a whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Manchester United fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it.
The Manchester United fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Liverpool fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Everton fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of England, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Everton fan replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Liverpool fan to my back..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwokwi/a_manchester_united_fan_liverpool_fan_and_an/
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What did the really annoying, attention craving person say?

"This"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwogpw/what_did_the_really_annoying_attention_craving/
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What's the difference between a thief and a literalist?

Literalist takes things literally.
Thief takes things, literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwoe2v/whats_the_difference_between_a_thief_and_a/
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Why did the half blind man fall into a well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwocc6/why_did_the_half_blind_man_fall_into_a_well/
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A communist joke isn't funny...

Unless everyone gets it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwo3oy/a_communist_joke_isnt_funny/
%
Why did the shit stain leave the toilet bowl?

It got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwo29r/why_did_the_shit_stain_leave_the_toilet_bowl/
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Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

Like within stabbing distance.
It’s much more practical that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwo144/keep_your_friends_close_but_your_enemies_closer/
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Two romans are having a conversation.

The one asks: "How many women do you think I have laid with?"
"Mmm..."
"No, not that many."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwnzw5/two_romans_are_having_a_conversation/
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I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.

He hugged me after hearing this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwnzqa/i_told_my_husband_he_should_embrace_his_mistakes/
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My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwnegb/my_wife_hates_it_when_i_swap_her_chocolate_bar/
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If your wondering whether your going to annoy grammar nazis with your typos

*you are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwne0d/if_your_wondering_whether_your_going_to_annoy/
%
My dad always told me to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.

She knows how to make bad decisions and stick to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwn52z/my_dad_always_told_me_to_find_a_girl_with_an/
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A man came home and found his wife in bed with another man.

He challenged the stranger to a duel. They walked into another room and closed the door. Then the man said to the stranger, "Why should any of us die? Let's both shoot into the air, then we fall to the floor and wait. She will sprint in. To whomever she will rush, let that man have her." The stranger agreed. They both shot into the air and fell to the floor. The wife rushed in, looked at the two bodies and shouted, "Darling, you may come out, they both croaked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwmzlg/a_man_came_home_and_found_his_wife_in_bed_with/
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How do you make your wife scream during sex?

Call her and tell her about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwmy8n/how_do_you_make_your_wife_scream_during_sex/
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Drinking alcoholfree beer is like going down on your sister

It tastes the same, but it feels wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwmxap/drinking_alcoholfree_beer_is_like_going_down_on/
%
What does a Boss and a diaper have in common?

They are always on your ass and always full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwmvlu/what_does_a_boss_and_a_diaper_have_in_common/
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An Arab student studying in Europe phones his dad

Dad: How's your life going son?
Son: It's going well, Dad.
Dad: Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.
Son: No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here
Dad: Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.,
Son: Dad, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Dad: My dear son, why didn't you say so earlier? I will send you 15 million euros this instant. Please stop embarrassing us and go and get yourself a train too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwmr86/an_arab_student_studying_in_europe_phones_his_dad/
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My girlfriend threw up when I told her I put ginger in our curry.

She loved that cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwmmu8/my_girlfriend_threw_up_when_i_told_her_i_put/
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A car hit me once

but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwmld0/a_car_hit_me_once/
%
Dwarf joke

What do you call a dwarf on a merry-go-round?
A midget spinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwm6dl/dwarf_joke/
%
The Earth is flat!

Now I'm going to travel around the world to let everyone know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwm2q9/the_earth_is_flat/
%
Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Cause Ken comes in a different box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwlsu7/why_does_barbie_never_get_pregnant/
%
I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist…

That’s the last time my neighbor is going to wake me up on a Saturday morning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwlpkf/i_just_sold_a_lawnmower_on_craigslist/
%
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees.

The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
“You’ve given me one too many…”
He replied, “That one is a freebie.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwlpf3/i_went_into_a_pet_shop_and_asked_for_twelve_bees/
%
Have you ever read the book "What Happened Just Now?"

It was written by Alex Plainlater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwlp3t/have_you_ever_read_the_book_what_happened_just_now/
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Interviewer: What drives you?

Candidate: The bus mostly.
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
Candidate: Missing the bus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwlp1b/interviewer_what_drives_you/
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What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?

They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwlmmr/what_do_disney_world_viagra_have_in_common/
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What phrase is funny and cute unless you say it during sex?

I'm 14 and this is deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwlkcl/what_phrase_is_funny_and_cute_unless_you_say_it/
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A Man Visits His Friend In The Psych Ward

A man went to visit his friend in a psych ward. On the way to his room, he sees a patient facing a wall, pretending to swing a tennis racket. He asks him, "What are you doing?" and the guy says back "I'm a pro tennis player, and when I get out of here, I'm going to play in the Grand Slam." The man says "Sure you are, buddy."
He keeps walking, looking for his friend when he sees another patient facing a wall, pretending to tee off. So he asks this guy "What are you doing?" And the guy says "I'm a pro golfer, and when I finally get out of here, I'm going back on the tour." So again, the man says "Sure you are, buddy."
The man keeps going, finally getting to his buddy's room. When he walks in, his buddy has a peanut on his dick. His friend asks him "What's up with those other guys who say they're pro athletes and gonna get out of here soon? And his buddy replies back "I dunno about them, I'm never gonna get out of here! I'm fucking nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwl63a/a_man_visits_his_friend_in_the_psych_ward/
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Have you heard they’ve banned accounting in Afghanistan??

Apparently there’s a Tally Ban.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwkxp5/have_you_heard_theyve_banned_accounting_in/
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There's a guy in our area stealing the wheels off police cars....

The cops are tirelessly working to find a suspect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwkxoh/theres_a_guy_in_our_area_stealing_the_wheels_off/
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A guy walks into a bar

And sees a sign that says "Cheese Sandwiches $5.00, Handjobs $10.00"
He asks the bartender "Are you the guy that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes." replied the bartender
"Great. Wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwkxl5/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So my penis was in the guiness book of world records...

Until the librarian told me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwku2j/so_my_penis_was_in_the_guiness_book_of_world/
%
A local news station interviews a farmer about a farmer's daily life.

Interviewer: So, Mister, where do you wash your cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?
The interviewer wonders what the farmer means and goes along with it.
Interviewer: Umm... the white one.
Farmer: I wash her by the river.
Interviewer: What about the black one?
Farmer: I wash her by the river, too.
The interviewer raises her eyebrows and is a bit confused.
Interviewer: Well then, mister, what do you feed your cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?
Interviewer: The white one.
Farmer: I feed her grass.
Interviewer: What about the black one?
Farmer: I feed her grass, too.
This time, the interviewer is a bit annoyed and tries one more time.
Interviewer: Okay then, where do you keep your cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?
Interviewer: The white one.
Farmer: I keep her inside the barn.
Interviewer: What about the black one?
Farmer: I keep her inside the barn, too.
Finally, the interviewer could not take it any longer.
Interviewer: Mister, why do you keep asking if it's the white one or the black one if you'll just give the same answer?
Farmer: Well... That's because the black one is mine.
Interviewer: What about the white one?
Farmer: That one's mine too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwkt5r/a_local_news_station_interviews_a_farmer_about_a/
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There is a fine line between numerator and denominator

Only a fraction of people will get this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwkled/there_is_a_fine_line_between_numerator_and/
%
A vegan, cyclist and climate change enthusiast walk into a bar.

Everyone else leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwkjlq/a_vegan_cyclist_and_climate_change_enthusiast/
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CIA Hiring Process

The CIA is hiring trained assassins. They narrowed the search down to 3 people.
The first person goes to the selection committee and they hand him a gun. They tell him his wife is in the next room and he has to kill her. "Fuck no!" He says.
"Very well, take your wife and go home" says one of the committee members.
The second candidate approaches the committee and is given the same instructions.
"I don't know if I can do it but I'll try"
He walks into the room and paces back and forth. He walks out, unable to do it. He is sent home.
The third and final candidate is given the same instructions. He agrees. He walks into the room and closes the door behind himself. The committee hears four gunshots go off and a bunch of screaming and scuttling around.
Eventually there is silence.
The man walks out covered in blood.
"What the fuck happened??!!" says one of the committee members.
"Some retard loaded the gun with blanks so I had to kill the bitch myself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwkfqn/cia_hiring_process/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheburg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwk7f4/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwk6lq/there_was_an_old_man_who_lived_by_a_forest/
%
My dad has the heart of a lion!

And a lifetime ban from the zoo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwk4xk/my_dad_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
It was really heart warming when my friends explained what the word "many" meant.

It meant a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwk2cf/it_was_really_heart_warming_when_my_friends/
%
A priest, doctor, and engineer were golfing

They were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.”
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwk1w4/a_priest_doctor_and_engineer_were_golfing/
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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwk0w0/a_father_passing_by_his_sons_bedroom_was/
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This guy was driving a really top-notch Ferrari on the highway

Speeding as much as he could, there he went, happy with his life. Until an old woman in a beat up Wolkswagen just overtook him, going way faster than he was. The guy in the Ferrari puts the pedal to the metal, but only catches up to the woman in a service station miles ahead.
He comes out of the car, and tells her: "Hello, ma'am. Could you tell me how is your Wolkswagen so fast?" To which she replies "Oh, dear, my car has a special engine, and everytime you say 'fuck', it goes 100mph faster." The guy is very impressed with this and proposes a deal to the woman where they switch cars. The woman, having always wanted to try a Ferrari, agrees, and they switch keys.
The guy climbs into the Wolkswagen and yells "FUCK FUCK" and the car blasts off, 200mph, down the highway. The guy is loving it, until he realizes! A mile down the road a cop is standing, stopping traffic. The guy slams the breaks, and the car starts skidding, tires screeching, and stops just a mere inches away from the cop.
Sweating, the cop exclaims "Fuck me, I thought it wouldn't stop!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwjzvr/this_guy_was_driving_a_really_topnotch_ferrari_on/
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I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwjy61/i_couldnt_figure_out_why_the_baseball_kept/
%
I thought I saw a sheet of metal working out

It was just a curling iron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwjwm5/i_thought_i_saw_a_sheet_of_metal_working_out/
%
What do spiders and Yoko Ono have in common?

They both live off dead beatles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwjwka/what_do_spiders_and_yoko_ono_have_in_common/
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What’s the difference between my dad and a boomerang?

A boomerang doesn’t beat me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwjsu2/whats_the_difference_between_my_dad_and_a/
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My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

It was the end of my Korea.
I'm still China find another job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwjs5l/my_boss_fired_me_for_making_too_many_asian_jokes/
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Maybe the song "It's Raining Men" wouldn't have been as popular had they used the original demo title:

"Corpse Storm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwjpcw/maybe_the_song_its_raining_men_wouldnt_have_been/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic at the cinema?

He ordered a large cockporn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwjoty/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_at_the_cinema/
%
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...

He says,"Give me two shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off and says,"You only get one shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwjob7/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_owned_by_eminem/
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My uncle always told me, “Keep your mouth shut and keep your eyes open.”

Sorry I got those backwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwjnne/my_uncle_always_told_me_keep_your_mouth_shut_and/
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Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

Keep the bath water. In this day and age you can sell that shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwjlp9/dont_throw_the_baby_out_with_the_bath_water/
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What do you call an Apple pie that's smoking a joint?

A baked apple pie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwjjpc/what_do_you_call_an_apple_pie_thats_smoking_a/
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MP

Interview Start...
>> MP&HR Officer <<
........................................
HR : what is your name?
Mike : MP sir
HR : In full please...
Mike : Michael Phang
HR : your father's name?
Mike : MP sir
HR : what does that mean?
Mike : Melvin Phang
HR : your native place?
Mike : MP sir
HR : what's that?
Mike : Malacca Province
HR : what is your qualification?
Mike : MP
HR : (angry) what is thaat?!!!
Mike : Mathematics Professor
HR : so why do you need a job?
Mike : it is because of MP sir
HR : meaning?
Mike : Money Problems
HR : would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time? What's your personality like?
Mike : MP sir..
HR : and what is that??
Mike : Marvelous Personality
HR : I see... I will get back to you..
Mike : sir, how was my MP sir?
HR : and what's that again?
Mike : My Performance..
HR : I think u hv an MP..
Mike : meaning??
HR : Mental Problem!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwjjhk/mp/
%
What do you call an old snowman?

Water!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwjcze/what_do_you_call_an_old_snowman/
%
When my wife got pregnant, everything changed.

My name, my address, and my phone number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwj88m/when_my_wife_got_pregnant_everything_changed/
%
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?

One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwj41a/whats_the_difference_between_a_head_of_lettuce/
%
1900: Let's filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwj40p/1900_lets_filter_coffee/
%
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat

, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still dada's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwj3he/my_10_yr_old_was_hugging_the_cat/
%
What does my Rolex have in common with David Beckham?

They both come in a Posh box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwj17b/what_does_my_rolex_have_in_common_with_david/
%
How many law enforcement officers does it take to throw a handcuffed person down concrete stairs?

None. They fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwj0qy/how_many_law_enforcement_officers_does_it_take_to/
%
How do you call an area populated by run-down Italian beauty salons?

A spa-ghetto
... I am so ashamed of myself...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwix0w/how_do_you_call_an_area_populated_by_rundown/
%
A man went to the local library and asked the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian told him to fuck off because he won’t bring it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwiuny/a_man_went_to_the_local_library_and_asked_the/
%
William Shakespeare takes a potion and is propelled into the modern age.

Smart as ever, he rapidly learns the global situation in politics and entertainment and even becomes highly Internet literate.
He discovers that a famous actress has been named after his wife Anne Hathaway.  He decides she is extremely beautiful but wants to meet her in person to determine if she is truly worthy of the name of his wife.
He goes to an Oscar ceremony where Ann gives an acceptance speech and then intercepts her afterward, introducing himself as Shakespeare.
“Madam, I must confess thou art a woman of plenteous beauty.”
“Thank you,” she says.
“But in this one matter thou art unlike thy namesake.”
“How’s that?”
“For Anne Hathaway with words.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwiq83/william_shakespeare_takes_a_potion_and_is/
%
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.

There's absolutely no point to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwip9s/the_circle_is_just_the_most_ridiculous_shape_in/
%
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.

He's never gonna give you up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwio2t/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
%
Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Unless it’s a spy book, then it better have a good one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwiiea/dont_judge_a_book_by_its_cover/
%
A guy in a bar is telling a joke to his friend

"John and his friends are playing 'how high can you throw a brick', the first kid had the brick in the air for 2 seconds, the 2nd one for 4, third one slipped and the brick touched the ground in less than one second, now it's John's turn, he throws the brick in the air aaaand it never drops"
"So that's your joke, huh? It ain't funny" says the friend
"Ok, fine but let me try again, the next one is WAY better"
"Fine"
"A woman is boarding a plane with her parrot and as she's getting closer to her gate she sees a sign that says 'no smoking and no parrots'. 'I will hide the parrot under my t-shirt' she decides. All goes well, she manages to board the plane and a while after takeoff one of the pilots is walking by, smoking a cigar and greeting everyone, just as he's about to greet her the parrot makes a noise and the pilot makes her give up the parrot, they walk to the airlock, he says that parrots are not allowed on board, opens the airlock and throws the parrot out, at this point the woman is infuriated, takes his cigar out of his mouth, throws it out of the airlock, says 'neither is smoking' and goes back to her seat. 10 minutes later the pilot is back at his cabin when he hears a knock on the window, he looks at it and sees the parrot"
"Now guess what the parrot is holding in iit's beak" the guy asks
"The cigar?" Asks the friend
"No, the brick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwihzq/a_guy_in_a_bar_is_telling_a_joke_to_his_friend/
%
What's Forrest Gump's Reddit password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwih7u/whats_forrest_gumps_reddit_password/
%
What do they call cows in Islam?

Moohammed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwigmx/what_do_they_call_cows_in_islam/
%
A woman walks in on her husband performing anal sex on his secretary.

The wife screams, “You can’t do this to me!”
The husband says, “I know. That’s why I’m doing it to her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwifgl/a_woman_walks_in_on_her_husband_performing_anal/
%
I just called the paranoia hotline.

A guy answered, “How did you get this number?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwieba/i_just_called_the_paranoia_hotline/
%
I did't start this Dojo to teach kids discipline.

I started this Dojo so people would pay me to fight their children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwie9u/i_didt_start_this_dojo_to_teach_kids_discipline/
%
Why don't chickens tell their eggs any jokes?

Coz it would crack them up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwidf7/why_dont_chickens_tell_their_eggs_any_jokes/
%
Common sense

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see.
Son- I see millions of stars.
Father- And what does that tell you?
Son- Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets.
Father slaps the son hard and says- "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"
MORAL:
Too much education can spoil our common sense. 😄😄

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwibhb/common_sense/
%
To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you, I have contacts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwibce/to_the_person_who_stole_my_glasses/
%
What did the robber say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwi8w4/what_did_the_robber_say_after_detonating_a_bomb/
%
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen...,
"That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"...!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwi4by/camilla_the_duchess_of_cornwall_bought_new_shoes/
%
I’ve started playing silent tennis...

It’s a lot like regular tennis, but without the racket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwhypj/ive_started_playing_silent_tennis/
%
What do you call someone who's into BDSM and scat?

Several shades of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwhwex/what_do_you_call_someone_whos_into_bdsm_and_scat/
%
how many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, they'll just sit there and talk about how it's gonna blind them and how there no proof that light bulbs provide light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwhw5e/how_many_antivaxxers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Little Timmy is in bed and hears a noise

Its the week before Xmas, he gets out of bed and walks down the hallway to his parents room. He opens the door and he see's his Dad taking his Mom doggystyle. Dad notices Timmy, looks down, winks and says;
"Back to bed lad, theres a good boy"
And off Timmy goes...
A few days later Timmy wakes up again hearing another noise. He wanders down the hallway and again see's his Dad taking his Mom from behind. Dad winks at Timmy...
"Go on, back to bed lad"
And off Timmy goes once more...
Finally Xmas arrives and the whole family has come together. The festivites have been enjoyed and the night is settling down and Dad hears a strange noise coming from upstairs. He checks each room clear until he opens Timmy's door to see little Timmy fucking his Granny doggystyle...
Little Timmy then looks to his Dad, winks and says;
"Not so funny when its your Mom is it?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwhtqn/little_timmy_is_in_bed_and_hears_a_noise/
%
It's not incest

If you say "no chromo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwhsdo/its_not_incest/
%
David Beckham gets into a cab

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin airport. He notices the driver looks at him insistently in the rearview mirror. After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks
"Ok. At least give me a hint"
David Beckham sighs and says
"I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of the Spice Girls and played for more than 100 times for England's national team. Enough?"
Driver replies: "No, you idiot! Where are we going???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwhrwf/david_beckham_gets_into_a_cab/
%
Boy: Mum, am I ugly?

Mum: I told you not to call me mum in public!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwhmd0/boy_mum_am_i_ugly/
%
How to pay for your mistakes?

Buy eraser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwhluh/how_to_pay_for_your_mistakes/
%
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwhg5q/three_brothers_age_92_94_and_96_live_in_a_house/
%
What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe?

Mitosis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwhdl2/what_did_the_cell_say_to_his_sister_when_she/
%
How do you say iPhone in Russian?

iVan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwh855/how_do_you_say_iphone_in_russian/
%
My mom doesn’t like when I curse.

But she’s totally fine with jinxes and hexes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwh60h/my_mom_doesnt_like_when_i_curse/
%
Child: Dad, I'm so happy, I got a B in reading!

Dad: That's a D you idiot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwh4pr/child_dad_im_so_happy_i_got_a_b_in_reading/
%
I have Alzheimers,

But at least i don't have Alzheimers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwh122/i_have_alzheimers/
%
My wife and I have been happy for 20 years.

And then we got married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwh035/my_wife_and_i_have_been_happy_for_20_years/
%
Why is nostalgia like a grammar lesson?

Because you find the present tense and the past perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwgrcc/why_is_nostalgia_like_a_grammar_lesson/
%
What do you get if you cross a frog, a duck, an elephant, and a rhino?

Fuck if I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwgn2l/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_frog_a_duck_an/
%
I tried to embarass my wife by telling all of my friends that she's not good in bed.

Everyone disagreed with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwgmtf/i_tried_to_embarass_my_wife_by_telling_all_of_my/
%
How do Alabama parents "cure" a gay son?

They make a sister for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwglq6/how_do_alabama_parents_cure_a_gay_son/
%
Johnny was playing with his train set while mother was in the kitchen doing dishes...

Chigga chigga chigga chigga hoot hoot.  "The train has reached the station, all you mother fuckers getting on, get on and all you bastards getting off, get off.
Johnnys mom rushes out and yells at Johnny for his bad language and gives him a 5 min timeout.
6 minutes later she hears
Chigga chigga chigga chigga hoot hoot.  "The train has reached the station, all you mother fuckers getting on, get on and all you bastards getting off, get off.  And if you want to complain about the delay then take it up with the bitch in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwgkih/johnny_was_playing_with_his_train_set_while/
%
What's the difference between childhood and adulthood?

"Wow, you're fast," goes from being a compliment to being an insult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwgfm2/whats_the_difference_between_childhood_and/
%
I used to be schizophrenic.

But we're OK now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwgd6o/i_used_to_be_schizophrenic/
%
Someone once told me that male cows can't poop...

I thought about it for a second before I realized; that's just bullshit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwg94k/someone_once_told_me_that_male_cows_cant_poop/
%
A brunette picks up her blonde friend from the train station

She notices the side of her blonde friend is bleeding.
The brunette asks, "What happened to your head?"
The blonde responds, "Like there was nail sticking to the side of the train where I was sitting, everytime there was a bump or change, my head would hit against the nail to a point where like I can't even".
The brunette suggested, " You should've switched seats with someone".
The blonde, "Like I thought about that first but then I noticed there was no one in the train to exchange seats with and I was like my luck is so like bad".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwg6wv/a_brunette_picks_up_her_blonde_friend_from_the/
%
A man puts his hand on a globe and says, "That feels just like my wife's ass."

Then Dave puts his hand on the globe and says, "You know, it really does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwfxph/a_man_puts_his_hand_on_a_globe_and_says_that/
%
A young boy went to confession.

“Forgive me father. For I have sinned.”
“Let’s hear what you have done.”
“I have been lose with a woman.”
“Is that you Tommy?”
“Yes it is me Father.”
“Who was the woman.”
“I will not say for it would ruin her reputation.”
“Was it Susan?”
“No Father.”
“Was it Debra?”
“No.”
“Was it Janet?”
“No again Father.”
“Very well, go pray two “Our Fathers” and four “Hail Marys.”
When Tommy got out of the booth, his friend came up to him.
“What did he say?”
“Well, I got two “Our Fathers”, four “Hail Marys”, and three good leads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwfte2/a_young_boy_went_to_confession/
%
What do you call a lesbian philosopher

Sapphisticated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwfpms/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_philosopher/
%
For a change, blonde MAN

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on "ALL OF YOU" because I wasn't even at home yesterday !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwfnm5/for_a_change_blonde_man/
%
What movie was produced by Elon Musk?

MadAtGasCar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwfkjv/what_movie_was_produced_by_elon_musk/
%
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the wild west

He bursts through the door and announces:
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwfi7w/a_three_legged_dog_walks_into_a_saloon_in_the/
%
Cowboy rides into a dusty town on his horse and stops at a saloon...

He ties up his horse, goes up the the bar, sits at the counter, and orders a couple beers to quench his thirst. When he walks out, he realizes his horse is missing!
He flings those saloon doors open, hand on his pistol, and shouts, “which one of you sidewinding sons of bitches stole my horse.” The men at the bar just stared at him. He whips out his pistol and shoots an empty glass across the room with deadly accuracy. “I’ll tell you what,” said the cowboy, “I’m gonna walk over to that bar and drink me one last beer. If I get done with that beer and my horse isn’t right where I left him, I’m gonna have to do what I did in Texas... and believe you me... I don’t want to have to do what I did in Texas...”
A few moments later, he starts to get to the bottom of his drink and the men in the saloon start shifting on their seats out of nervousness. The cowboy flips a coin to the bartender, slams his glass down, and walks outside. Sure enough, there was his horse - right where he left him.
He saddled up and started to ride towards the horizon. The bartender was burning with curiosity and ran out to catch up to him. He busted out the door yelling, “Cowboy wait! What did you have to do in Texas?”
The Cowboy looked at him and said, “Hell, I had to walk all the way home!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwfd92/cowboy_rides_into_a_dusty_town_on_his_horse_and/
%
What does a Chinese Cowboy say?

Ni Hao-dy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwfaju/what_does_a_chinese_cowboy_say/
%
There once was a man from Peru,

his limericks always end on line two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwfa3i/there_once_was_a_man_from_peru/
%
Why are prosthetic companies the best?

Because they are always willing to lend a hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwf82z/why_are_prosthetic_companies_the_best/
%
My wife told me a joke today.........

Man on his deathbed, wife by his side holding his hand
"wife" says the man "I have to tell you something."
"hush" says the wife "whatever it is I don't care, just close you eyes and go to sleep"
"but wife I really must get it off my chest"
"Whatever it is doesn't matter now" says the wife  "you rest now"
"wife, I slept with your sister, your best friend and a Co worker." the man blurts out.
"It's OK, I know" says they wife as she patted his hand. "That's why I poisoned you. Now just close your eyes and go to sleep"
Now is it just me or should I be worried......lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwf0rb/my_wife_told_me_a_joke_today/
%
I went to jail for plugging in my phone

It was a battery charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwf0q3/i_went_to_jail_for_plugging_in_my_phone/
%
I just flipped a coin and it landed on its side.

I can't make heads or tails of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwevw5/i_just_flipped_a_coin_and_it_landed_on_its_side/
%
Alligators can grow up to 13 feet.

Most, however, only have 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwevqi/alligators_can_grow_up_to_13_feet/
%
As a man I wish I had boobs. I bet you can guess what I want to do with them...

Use them on my baby so he'll go to freakin sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cweug1/as_a_man_i_wish_i_had_boobs_i_bet_you_can_guess/
%
I've been trying to sum up the courage to ask out my crush.

I've gotten to the point where I can now look into her eyes and not be nervous!
Next step: Do it without binoculars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cweteq/ive_been_trying_to_sum_up_the_courage_to_ask_out/
%
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.

So I sent him a “get well soon” card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwemic/my_friend_couldnt_afford_his_water_bill/
%
I have started drinking my wife's breast milk.

Why drink milk from some other cow when you have one at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwel0r/i_have_started_drinking_my_wifes_breast_milk/
%
What do you call a half Jew?

Jew-ish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cweg5u/what_do_you_call_a_half_jew/
%
How did the hammerhead shark do on his test?

He nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cweein/how_did_the_hammerhead_shark_do_on_his_test/
%
One afternoon, A Viking called Rudolph was looking out his window when he suddenly said , “ It’s going to rain in seven minutes.” His wife asked, “How do you know?”

His response:” Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwe9p3/one_afternoon_a_viking_called_rudolph_was_looking/
%
A Higgs boson walks into a church.

The priest says : Your kind is not welcome here.
Higgs boson: But without me you can’t have mass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwe6tc/a_higgs_boson_walks_into_a_church/
%
What do pirates use to treat burns

Ahoy Vera

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwe4kq/what_do_pirates_use_to_treat_burns/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar and each person only order 1 drink.

The price of their drink is determined by the numerical order when entering. The first drink costs 1 dollar, the second costs 2 dollars and so on.
In the end, they decided to pay all together.
The waiter then paid them 8.(3) cents and they all left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwe4ig/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walks_into_a/
%
Interviewer: How do you explain that five-year gap on your resume?

Me: Oh, that's when I went to Yale.
Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired.
Me: Yay, I got a yob!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwdu17/interviewer_how_do_you_explain_that_fiveyear_gap/
%
I tried making plans with the farmer that hays my field....

But he always bales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwdp89/i_tried_making_plans_with_the_farmer_that_hays_my/
%
A man is golfing one day when..

He arrives to his next hole he sees a little frog had followed him. He grabs his club and readys his swing when he hears "Ribbit, 3 Wood". He looks down at the frog surprisingly, "What was that? Did you say something?"  So the man pulls out his 3 wood and hits the ball. Hole in one! He couldn't believe it. The next hole he sees the frog has followed him, looks over and it says "Ribbit, 5 Iron". Another hole in one! "Incredible" he said. He continues and has the best game of golf he has ever had. He picks up the frog and asks, "Are you some sort of lucky frog?" "Ribbit, lucky frog", it replied."So what do we do next" the man asked. "Ribbit, Vegas!" It said. So next thing you know the man is at the craps table with his whole life savings in front of him, he looks at the frog in his pocket. "Ribbit, black 8", it croaked. Suddenly the man is a millionaire and buys the best penthouse in the hotel. He jumps into bed with extreme joy and says, "Wow Lucky frog, you've changed my life. How can I ever repay you?" "Ribbit, kiss me" says the lucky frog. Sure he thought, So the man kissed the frog and it magically turned into a beautiful, volumptous, blonde, 16 year old girl.
"AND THAT YOUR HONOR IS HOW SHE GOT INTO MY ROOM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwdnhf/a_man_is_golfing_one_day_when/
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I was caught masterbating on a plane.

I'm being charged with hi-jacking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwdlra/i_was_caught_masterbating_on_a_plane/
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I decided to remove all the mirrors from my home.

Not a good idea on reflection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwdeyt/i_decided_to_remove_all_the_mirrors_from_my_home/
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What is it called when a sick wookie loses all its hair?

Wookemia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwdcxj/what_is_it_called_when_a_sick_wookie_loses_all/
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A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwdahp/a_pun_a_play_on_words_and_a_limerick_walk_into_a/
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Why did the fish’s wife leave him?

He got caught in Annett.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwda32/why_did_the_fishs_wife_leave_him/
%
Them: you can't keep making pokemon jokes!

Me: Wynaut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwcugw/them_you_cant_keep_making_pokemon_jokes/
%
My family celebrates Christmas religiously

Every year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwcs22/my_family_celebrates_christmas_religiously/
%
What did the well-intended but lazy pimp tweet out after a hurricane?

“I’m sending my thots and prayers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwco0b/what_did_the_wellintended_but_lazy_pimp_tweet_out/
%
Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?

Because if you drug them by their feet they'd fill up with dirt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwcn5c/why_did_cavemen_drag_their_women_by_the_hair/
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My girlfriend always smokes after sex

So we started using lubricant.
-Jimmy Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwcm7q/my_girlfriend_always_smokes_after_sex/
%
Do you have any experience shoeing horses?

No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwcank/do_you_have_any_experience_shoeing_horses/
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Old couple getting frisky

Husband says to wife 'Martha, tomorrow will be our 60th wedding anniversary and my 82nd birthday. We haven't had sex since last year! I need some loving, sugar.'
Martha responds, with a sigh 'Well okay, but no thumb up the butt this time.'
Don frustratingly replies 'Dammit! it's my thumb and my ass, so why do you care!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwca7s/old_couple_getting_frisky/
%
A guy gets stranded on a small island with a dog and a sheep...

After a few months, the sheep starts looking really pretty. But every time he makes a move on it, the dog growls menacingly. He tries to run up and shove it in the sheep before the dog notices, but the dog freaks out and starts biting him, so he runs off, leaving the sheep alone.
Then one day, a beautiful woman washes ashore, clinging to a plank of wood. He feeds her, gets her some water, and tends to her wounds. She's so grateful she gives him a hug and a kiss. "Is there anything I can do to... *repay* you?" she asks suggestively.
"Actually, there is," the guy says grinning. "Can you keep the dog busy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwc8vu/a_guy_gets_stranded_on_a_small_island_with_a_dog/
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What is the only thing a French drug dealer sells?

Oui-d

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwc5u8/what_is_the_only_thing_a_french_drug_dealer_sells/
%
A hunter is in the jungle looking for a prey when he spots a majestic tiger...

Thinking that he has hit the jackpot, he shoots the tiger but the bullet misses it by an inch. The hunter gets really nervous and pleads the tiger not to kill him.
The tiger says,"I won't kill you but only on one condition. You have to let me fuck you". Seeing no other option the hunter says yes and the tiger has his way with him.
The hunter feels humiliated and vows to come back the next day and hunt the tiger.  So the next day the hunter arrives at the same place and waits in hiding until he spots the tiger again. This time he shoots two bullets aiming at the tiger. But the tiger is quite alert because of the events of the previous day, so he manages to evade the bullets.
The hunter starts saying his last words when the tiger comes to him and says, "I don't think you have learnt a lesson yet. But you're a nice man, so I'll let you go. But the deal remains the same". The tiger screws the hunter and lets him go.
Now the hunter is completely infuriated and comes back the third time deciding to kill the tiger once and for all. But the same thing happens all over and the tiger manages to go unharmed.
Having no choice, the hunter drops his pants and leans against a tree waiting for the tiger to have his way with him. The tiger comes near the hunter, taps him gently and says, "Do you really come here to hunt or just get fucked in the ass?".
TLDR: Tiger Daddy horny, Michael!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwc3vf/a_hunter_is_in_the_jungle_looking_for_a_prey_when/
%
What's it called when a drug dealer tests his products?

A business trip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwc3lx/whats_it_called_when_a_drug_dealer_tests_his/
%
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

'Elliphino
(Works better if you say it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwc2o1/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_and_a/
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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwbves/does_your_dick_touch_your_ass/
%
The worst joke I’ve ever come up with when drunk.

I identify as pansexual.
I like shipping her with Trunks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwbv7w/the_worst_joke_ive_ever_come_up_with_when_drunk/
%
I asked the doctor what my life expectancy was.

He said, "Financial troubles leading into a long-term bout of depression before an inevitable death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwbuu8/i_asked_the_doctor_what_my_life_expectancy_was/
%
One of my favorite childhood memories is when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside of a tire.

Those were the Goodyears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwbroo/one_of_my_favorite_childhood_memories_is_when_my/
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My wife was out so I thought I would have a crafty wank.

she came back and caught me by suprise so I jumped out of bed to hide and ran straight into the wall,  you never fully understand the phrase ''adding insult to injury'' untill you run at a wall with a hard on and break your nose first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwbp8w/my_wife_was_out_so_i_thought_i_would_have_a/
%
My wife wants me in better shape.

We started implementing work out routines into our foreplay.
I do sit ups while performing cunnilingus.
Crunch and Munch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwbox8/my_wife_wants_me_in_better_shape/
%
I suck at art, but I want to become an artist...

Can anyone recommend me some good vaccines? I hear they make you artistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwbodd/i_suck_at_art_but_i_want_to_become_an_artist/
%
I’m putting my grades up for adoption. You know why?

Because I can’t raise them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwbkjf/im_putting_my_grades_up_for_adoption_you_know_why/
%
Why don't murders get solved in Alabama

Because there are no dental records, and everyone's DNA matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwbkh7/why_dont_murders_get_solved_in_alabama/
%
Bill Gates died and went to heaven.

Saint Peter took him to his new house. A small wooden cottage with a tv, two bathrooms, and a straw bed. Right next to him was a huge castle made of silver and gold. “Hey how come that guy gets a castle and I’m stuck with this cottage?!” Bill Gates asked.“That’s the castle of the captain of the Titanic.” Saint Peter said. “Why does he get a better house than me?” Asked Bill Gates. “Because the Titanic only crashed once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwbfq7/bill_gates_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
A baseball manager calls up a Chinese rookie from the minor leagues

The player shows up before his first game and goes to take batting practice. The manager sees him walking to the batter's box with a frying pan sitting on his head. He says "You can't wear a frying pan in the batter's box, son. You need a helmet."
The player responds: "This is my lucky frying pan, it belonged to my grandfather. Please let me wear it."
The manager, skeptical, lets him start taking batting practice. BOOM, the Chinese player hits a home run on the first pitch. BOOM, second pitch is a homer too.
The manager thinks "Hell, if I need a home run tonight I may just put this kid out there."
Later that night it's the bottom of the ninth inning, and the home team needs a home run. The manager calls to the Chinese rookie, who gets his bat and his frying pan. As he walks to the plate, the umpire tells him he can't wear his frying pan in the batter's box, and no number of speeches about grandfathers and lucky pans cause him to relent. Dejected, the player gets a helmet and steps into the box. On the first pitch, BOOM! Wok-off home run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwbe9x/a_baseball_manager_calls_up_a_chinese_rookie_from/
%
What do you get if you cross a mafioso with a supermodel?

Shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwbckv/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_mafioso_with_a/
%
Why'd the chicken cross the road?

How did the chicken cross the road?!
WHO IS THE CHICKEN?!?!
I swear I'll get to the bottom of this cluckspiracy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwbbp9/whyd_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
I never took geometry in high school

I heard it was for squares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwb4c3/i_never_took_geometry_in_high_school/
%
What should you give the man who has everything?

Broad spectrum antibiotics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwb3hn/what_should_you_give_the_man_who_has_everything/
%
I was finally able to make it out of the friendzone.

Turns out she didn’t want to be my friend either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwb0n5/i_was_finally_able_to_make_it_out_of_the/
%
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwb0ks/why_do_scottish_men_wear_kilts/
%
My wife asked me to pick the music for her mother's funeral.

Apparently Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead was not the appropriate song.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwatmh/my_wife_asked_me_to_pick_the_music_for_her/
%
A mafia capo caught his wife with her lover at his house.

He grabbed the guy's hair and pulled him outside where a big black Mercedes was parked on the driveway. Behind the wheel, there was a huge bald guy wearing shades. Fuming Capo opened the back door and shoved the frightened guy on the back seat.
"Take this piece of shit to the woods and fuck him in the ass!", than he slams the door shut.
Two seconds later the doors lock clicks and car pulls out of the driveway. They ride in silence for the first couple of minutes.
"You're not going to do it for real, right? " lover asks, his voice shaking.
But the driver just keep driving, eyes fixed to the road.
"I mean, we're not fags, are we? " the guy asks again with a nervous laughter
The driver just staring in front of him in dead silence.
"Hey, I've got an idea! Lets just both say you did it and I'll give you a thousand bucks. How does this sound?"
The bald guy just drives in silence, but suddenly his phone rings. He picks it up and listens to the caller without saying a single word, than he hung up. The car brakes sharply, turns around and drives backwards. In ten minutes they are back at Capo's house where he holds another guy kneeling at his feet on the driveway. Capo opens the back dooor, throws the second guy inside yelling "And shot this motherfucker in the face!".
They drive for fifteen minutes in absolute silence when the tree line appears on the horizon. Then our Romeo gently taps the driver on his shoulder.
"Hey... don't forget... I'm the one to be fucked in the ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwaj7s/a_mafia_capo_caught_his_wife_with_her_lover_at/
%
Trump and Obama Get a Haircut

Trump and Obama both decide to get a haircut, and by coincidence they happen to go to the same barber shop at the same time.  They end up seated across from each other, and it's a quiet, awkward affair.  They both finish around the same time, at which point Trump's barber asks Trump "would you like some cologne, sir?"
"Hell no!" Trump exclaims.  "Melania will think I was at a strip club!"
"And you?" Obama's barber asks him.
"Sure," Obama replies calmly.  "Michelle doesn't know what a strip club smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwah37/trump_and_obama_get_a_haircut/
%
A man goes to the doctor

**He says:** "doctor, when I rub my belly, it hurts.
When I press on my chest, it hurts more.
When I squeeze my neck, it is unbearable.
Do you know what I have doctor?"
**Doctor: "**Yes sir. Your finger is broken"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwagq0/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What letter is used to spell "SS"

Not C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwaecb/what_letter_is_used_to_spell_ss/
%
I tried to impress a girl the other day by putting my foot down on the pedal

Turns out, she’d already seen a bin open like that before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwa9jd/i_tried_to_impress_a_girl_the_other_day_by/
%
Why do men die before their wives?

Because they want to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cwa32z/why_do_men_die_before_their_wives/
%
Dracula walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water.

The bartender (confused): What's the Hotwater for?
Dracula *pulls out a tampon*: I'm having tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw9yor/dracula_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_cup_of_hot/
%
What do Finnish churches and Mortal Kombat have in common?

Finnish hymns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw9yf8/what_do_finnish_churches_and_mortal_kombat_have/
%
I was walking through the forest when I saw something glimmer in the grass.

"I approached and it turned out to be a golden frog. I quickly grabbed it, intending to sell it for a lot of money, but the frog spoke to me.
- Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes.
First I didn't believe it, so I tried to stick it in my pocket, but the frog spoke again.
- There is a jar behind that tree. Trap me inside and release me once you've made sure the wishes came true.
I stopped for a second, then agreed. After placing the frog inside, I told it my three wishes.
- I want a giant mansion where my house currently is.
- Done.
- I want mounds and mounds of money.
- You got it.
- I want two hot blondes who will love me forever.
- Granted.
I didn't believe it, so I went home and checked, and sure enough, everything was as I requested. Two attractive girls walked out of the multi-million dollar mansion and greeted me with a hug, then led me to a foyer where small hills of 100$ bills were scattered across the floor.
I decided to go back to the forest to thank the frog. As I released it, it spoke again.
- You are very welcome, but I do have one small request.
- Whatever it is, I can do it. - I told it, - You've turned my life around, it's the least I can do.
- I want you to have sex with me.
It was a strange request, but the frog had done much more than that for me, so I decided to do it.
As we were having sex, suddenly the frog flashed with a bright light and turned into a cute, little fourteen-year-old girl."
That's what happened, your honor, don't listen to that bald lawyer asshole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw9sru/i_was_walking_through_the_forest_when_i_saw/
%
Minnie is fucking Goofy

Now stop posting the same joke you mooks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw9r6m/minnie_is_fucking_goofy/
%
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?

Because you can’t C in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw9ol2/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
%
What do you call it when a group of dogs take over control of a ship?

A muttiny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw9kuh/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_group_of_dogs_take/
%
How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Boomers hate change. They'll just complain about how good things were before and how we should just go back to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw92g1/how_many_boomers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw90qo/successfully_ran_away_from_the_cops_today_after_i/
%
A lamb, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.

*baa-dum-tssssssssss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw8zzk/a_lamb_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
A person decided to buy a horse from a monk

So, he paid the priced and got very excited to ride it. "Hyah!" he said. But the horse didn’t move. So, he asks the monk,"Why won't the horse go?". The monk replied,"This horse is a religious horse. If you say ' Thank god', it will start moving. If you say ' All the praise be to god', it will stop.
Excited, the man said,"Thank God!" and the horse started running super fast. He was super happy, yelling "Yee haw!" all the way round. But then he came near a cliff. He tried to say, " Thank God", but the horse didn’t stop. "May god bless you" he panicked. But the horse wouldn’t stop. He started thinking of different phrases to make the horse stop. Finally, he remembered the real phrase and exclaimed,"ALL THE PRAISE BE TO GOD!!". The horse immediately stopped, just at the edge of the cliff.
He let out a relieving sigh and said, "Thank God".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw8y1m/a_person_decided_to_buy_a_horse_from_a_monk/
%
What does a prosthetic rental service do?

They lend a hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw8v9a/what_does_a_prosthetic_rental_service_do/
%
What's the first thing that enters a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?

...
..
..
It's ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw8sz1/whats_the_first_thing_that_enters_a_bugs_mind/
%
I think it’s getting more and more dangerous to drive even though cars are getting smarter.

Seems like every time I look up from my phone someone is trying to run into me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw8rov/i_think_its_getting_more_and_more_dangerous_to/
%
My friend is addicted to taking blurry pictures of himself in the shower.

He has some serious selfie steam issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw8p5f/my_friend_is_addicted_to_taking_blurry_pictures/
%
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

Bob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw8muq/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
A man is about to have sex with a woman

He takes his dick out of his trousers. She laughs and says "you've got a small organ."
The man replied "Well, it's never played in a cathedral before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw8mtu/a_man_is_about_to_have_sex_with_a_woman/
%
Run Little Piggy! [Longish]

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”
....I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there”
Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!”
I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs....
“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR  BADGE!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw8mfv/run_little_piggy_longish/
%
A woman goes to her doctor

"Doctor, please help me. My husband is _lazy_ in the bed, if you know what I mean"
The doctor smiles and says
"I have what you need. Science has made gigantic progress in this field."
The doctor gives her a small packet.
"Put the content of this sachet in his food and you will return here next time and tell me how it worked"
Next visit the doctor asked and the woman answered
"I put the medicine in his food as you told me. Ah, doctor, it was fantastic. He fucked me right on the table thrice in a row..."
The doctor
"Aren't you happy?"
The woman
"Yes, but I will never go back to that restaurant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw8jm2/a_woman_goes_to_her_doctor/
%
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw8hqv/a_blind_woman_tells_her_boyfriend_that_shes/
%
A sadist, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist walk into a bar.

There they see the bartender's cat walking around.
The sadist says, "Let's torture the cat and kill it".
The necrophiliac replies, "When you're done with it, let's all have sex with the cat".
The pyromaniac goes, "Let's also burn it after we have had our fun with it".
The masochist who has been listening to their conversation all this time says, "Meow".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw8f0k/a_sadist_a_necrophiliac_a_pyromaniac_and_a/
%
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw8c2p/when_i_was_in_college_my_roommate_used_to_clean/
%
Another clean cake day joke

Boss asks Mutuku,  Mutuku how do you get it right for 30 years of bringing me  coffee every morning without spilling it?
Mutuku's answer, before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.
Mutuku's funeral is on Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw8bcq/another_clean_cake_day_joke/
%
Are you a McDonalds?

"Why?"
Because you make my heart stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw83bp/are_you_a_mcdonalds/
%
My wife has braces and blew me last night

Now my kids are behind bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw80jr/my_wife_has_braces_and_blew_me_last_night/
%
What do you call an extraterrestrial dog?

A Dalmartian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw7w1v/what_do_you_call_an_extraterrestrial_dog/
%
Special High Intensity Training: It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure all employees are well trained.

Through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT), we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area.  If any employee feels that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see your supervisor.  Our management specialists are trained to assure you get all the SHIT you can handle.
Any individual who feels he or she has not received sufficient SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING, notify your supervisor immediately so he can put you at the top of the SHIT list.
Sincerly Yours
D. Brown Nose
SHIT Program Manager
P.S.  "Boss In General Special High Intensity Training, B.I.G.S.H.I.T." has instructed me to inform all personnel that there is an opening in the training department.  This new position and title will be "Director Internal Personnel Special High Intensity Training, D.I.P.S.H.I.T." This person will report directly to me - D. Brown Nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw7txi/special_high_intensity_training_it_is_now_and/
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Girls should stop saying "all men are the same"...

No one asked you to try them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw7s86/girls_should_stop_saying_all_men_are_the_same/
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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line, St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw7l1x/a_train_hits_a_bus_full_of_catholic_highschool/
%
I'll bet that Bret Stephens has a new Twitter account under a different name.

A bed bug typically lives undercover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw7jwi/ill_bet_that_bret_stephens_has_a_new_twitter/
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In most parts of the world a woman is a mother,a daughter,a sister.

In Alabama,you can have all at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw7ahh/in_most_parts_of_the_world_a_woman_is_a_mothera/
%
Wives are like grenades…

Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw78uo/wives_are_like_grenades/
%
A crashing economy can affect your sex life drastically.

I am one of the victims ...
My Neighbour's husband lost his job & is always at home now !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw78dn/a_crashing_economy_can_affect_your_sex_life/
%
My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw6ydi/my_nan_has_been_diagnosed_with_a_hereditary_brain/
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Now my wifes mad at me along with a lot of Facebook friends.

She posted"How cool is it that the same God who created mountains and oceans and galaxies, looked at you and thought the world need one of you too?"
And I commented everybody needs an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw6xov/now_my_wifes_mad_at_me_along_with_a_lot_of/
%
Three old men are sitting in the park and talking about life.

The first one says "My hands have started shaking as of recently, I spilled a bit of coffee today."
The second one frowns and says "That's nothing, I spill a whole bottle of wine just to fill a single glass."
The third one listens, thinks for a while and replies "You're both fine, when I go to pee in the morning I come twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw6xd4/three_old_men_are_sitting_in_the_park_and_talking/
%
I got the words Jacuzzi and Yakuza mixed up.

Now i’m in hot water with the japanese mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw6v70/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_mixed_up/
%
I remember the last thing my Granddad said before he kicked the bucket.

He said, " Watch me kick this bucket"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw6os1/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_granddad_said_before/
%
I'd definitely go to the party organized by a Kangaroo and a Donkey..

Its going to be Kick-Ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw6oqv/id_definitely_go_to_the_party_organized_by_a/
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I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.

I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw6niy/i_loaned_my_girlfriend_five_hundred_dollars_a/
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Nguyen, who saw by touch. It's original, I swear!

Did you hear about the blind Thai man who was able to tell what race people were by touch? It's true! Just by feeling their hand, old man Nguyen could tell you if somebody was European, African, Polynesian, or American. He was best at Asian countries, just by practice, and could even tell what country someone was from, something he wasn't quite capable of with other ethnicities - for instance, he could tell upon meeting her that his wife Nguyet was Vietnamese, his friend Wong was Chinese, and his dentist Edgar was Singaporean.
We'l anyway, the Guinness Book of World Records eventually heard about him and sent out a team, since they'd never heard of anyone with this level of precision from simple touch. They ran several tests, asking him to hold the hands of several people and state their ethnicity. He did so, as he always had, with barely a hesitation.
Then they decided to trick him. They brought in his wife Nguyet, his friend Wong, and his dentist Edgar. All three entered the room silently.
The head researcher beckoned Wong over, and had him position himself in the same way all other tested people had been - but the researcher himself took Nguyen's hand.
"This person is European," Nguyen said immediately.
The researcher nodded to Wong, who said, "No Nguyen, it's me."
Nguyen heard Wong's voice from exactly where he would expect it. But he knew that he was holding a white man's hand, and Wong was Chinese.
"This is not your hand, Wong. This is a white man's hand."
"That is Wong's hand, Nguyen. Have we been going too long? Do you need a break?" The head researcher was impressed, but knew that he had to be absolutely certain about Nguyen's abilities.
Nguyen held firm. He shook his head strongly.
"If this is Wong, why does it feel so white?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw6kmp/nguyen_who_saw_by_touch_its_original_i_swear/
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Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?

He was fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw6ic7/why_did_the_guitar_teacher_go_to_jail/
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An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer.  He drinks each one in turn, and walks out.  The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night.  The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the Irishman explains, “I’d rather see them all lined up before me. I left two brothers behind in Ireland, and since we used to meet at the pub every night and have a pint together, I feel closer to them when I come drink my pint and their two.”
This goes on for a year, and then one night, the Irishman fails to come in.  The regulars are concerned, and then saddened when he returns a few nights later and orders only two pints of beer.  When the bartender serves him, he says, “I see you didn’t order a beer for one of your brothers. My condolences on your loss.”
“My brothers are still alive,” the Irishman says.  “I didn’t order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw6g2w/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed.

Turns out my property line is nowhere near where I thought it was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw68cv/my_neighbour_just_got_arrested_for_growing_weed/
%
I fell off my step-ladder and hurt myself!

I bet my *real* ladder would have caught me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw67lp/i_fell_off_my_stepladder_and_hurt_myself/
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A T-Rex and a Velociraptor are sitting in a bar

And the velociraptor points to a triceratops in the corner and says
“Why is he first to get served?”
And the T-Rex says
“Because he was herbivorous”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw667b/a_trex_and_a_velociraptor_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
A Welsh father is hitchhiking with his son when he comes across a sheep with his head stuck in a fence

The father says to the son "Watch this." and proceeds to undo his zipper and then makes love to the sheep. When he is finished, he steps away from the sheep and says to his son "Your turn, son." The son sighs before sticking his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw65xy/a_welsh_father_is_hitchhiking_with_his_son_when/
%
Why do nurses use red pens?

In case they need to draw blood
P.s my mom told me this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw639x/why_do_nurses_use_red_pens/
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Did you hear about the hen who could count her own eggs?

She was a mathemachicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw62zk/did_you_hear_about_the_hen_who_could_count_her/
%
So, I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it would never get me anywhere in life...

I looked her dead in the eye and said... “You’re wrong mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw5tk9/so_i_can_legit_ride_a_unicycle_my_mom_told_me_it/
%
I think this girl in my class is interested in me. She just winked at me...

With both eyes...
*at the same time.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw5rj7/i_think_this_girl_in_my_class_is_interested_in_me/
%
A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The man behind the bar says to him "what the fuck are you doing with that crocodile?"
The man looks at him and says "he can do tricks!"
The man behind the bar responds "Tricks?! You barmy bastard, get out, get out!"
The man says "I'll show you!" and pulls his cock out and puts it in the crocodiles mouth. Then from his back pocket, be pulls a plank of wood and BANG! he hits the crocodile over the head.
The startled crocodile closes its mouth and begins to suck.
Amazed, the barman agrees to let the man stay.
"Would anyone else like to try it for 50 quid?" The man asks.
"I'll do it," An old lady chimed " but don't hit me as hard as you did the fucking crocodile!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw5oou/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_crocodile/
%
I told the psychologist, "Sure, my sense of chronology is fine!"

Then I knocked on his door and went into his room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw5jyh/i_told_the_psychologist_sure_my_sense_of/
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What do you call a phobia of a clown wielding a chainsaw running straight at you?

Common sense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw5925/what_do_you_call_a_phobia_of_a_clown_wielding_a/
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Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12  pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked  excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and  refused to apologize when wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw58lt/yesterday_scientists_revealed_that_beer_contains/
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What's the similarity between black and Mexican jokes?

If you heard Juan, you heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw55ol/whats_the_similarity_between_black_and_mexican/
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# An English and a french cat decide to race across the sea

The English cat was called “one two three four”
The French cat was called “un deux trois quatre”
“One two three four” won.... why?
Because “un deux trois quatre” *sank*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw54em/an_english_and_a_french_cat_decide_to_race_across/
%
I tried changing my password to beef...

...but it wasn't stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw51h9/i_tried_changing_my_password_to_beef/
%
mum & dad were dwarfs

All their lives they struggled to put food on the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw50ak/mum_dad_were_dwarfs/
%
A truck carrying cheese crashed on the highway this morning...

De brie was everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw4xcb/a_truck_carrying_cheese_crashed_on_the_highway/
%
Job interview - "What is your biggest weakness?"

Them: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: I'm vague
Them: Can you elaborate?
Me: Yeah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw4sxr/job_interview_what_is_your_biggest_weakness/
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3 couples died and went to the Pearly Gates for Judgement.

St. Peter looked at the first man and proclaimed, "You loved Money so much that you even married a woman named "Penny".  Go to Hell!"  Thunder crashed and Lightning flashed and the first man was Gone.
St. Peter looked at the second man and proclaimed, "You loved Drink so much that you even married a woman named "Brandy".  Go to Hell!"  Thunder crashed and Lightning flashed and the second man was Gone.
The third man turned to his wife and said, "It's been nice knowing you, Fanny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw4m7g/3_couples_died_and_went_to_the_pearly_gates_for/
%
I got a flat tire outside of the Mental Institution.

I wrestled the tire off, but stripped out half of the nuts.  "Great!  What am I gonna do now?", I spit, angrily.
"Put one on every other lug, then drive cautiously to a place you can get some more."  A patient was looking over the wall.
"How'd you know that?", I asked.
"I'm crazy, not stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw4hp2/i_got_a_flat_tire_outside_of_the_mental/
%
My wife said she was leaving me because I kept talking like a news reporter

More on that story later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw4e57/my_wife_said_she_was_leaving_me_because_i_kept/
%
What’s a Scientist’s favourite dog?

A Lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw48b5/whats_a_scientists_favourite_dog/
%
Why don't Italians like Jehova's Witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw46ps/why_dont_italians_like_jehovas_witnesses/
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A sadist hydrocarbon introduces himself at a BDSM convention...

"hi, i'm propane"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw3y9b/a_sadist_hydrocarbon_introduces_himself_at_a_bdsm/
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I cracked a joke with my girlfriend

It was so good
The guy under our bed laughed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw3rkp/i_cracked_a_joke_with_my_girlfriend/
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I tried to create a great new chemical compound using oxygen and potassium...

It wasn't great, it was just OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw3q5z/i_tried_to_create_a_great_new_chemical_compound/
%
An old Groucho Marx Joke

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw3pqa/an_old_groucho_marx_joke/
%
Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday

So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.
You'll never guess who came crawling back
[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw3nh1/me_and_my_best_friend_had_an_argument_yesterday/
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Three Statisticians go deer hunting and come across a deer.

The first one pulls out his bow, and has a shot at the deer. The shot hit a tree one metre left of the deer. The second one has his shot, only he hits a tree one metre right of the deer.
The third one yells:
“We got him, we got him!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw3lrk/three_statisticians_go_deer_hunting_and_come/
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Once a guy had a very important presentation.

He was getting late and couldn't find a spot to park his car. In desperation he began to pray to God.
"Oh God! If you find me a parking spot I promise to go to church every Sunday, I will not flirt with Sally next door and will never touch whiskey again."
Just as he finishes his prayer he sees a nice little spot to park his car. He said to God,
"Never mind found one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw3jvz/once_a_guy_had_a_very_important_presentation/
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What do you call a bisexual woman who likes to sleep around?

An omniwhore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw3fnc/what_do_you_call_a_bisexual_woman_who_likes_to/
%
Why did the Army Intelligence Officer smash the PC?

He heard there was intel inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw3c8z/why_did_the_army_intelligence_officer_smash_the_pc/
%
My son made this up. The Dad Joke is strong with this one...

Son: What does Darth Vader use to get to the bridge of his ship?
Me: No clue, son
Son: An ele-Vader, ha!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw39ig/my_son_made_this_up_the_dad_joke_is_strong_with/
%
A newspaper boy knocks on a woman's door to collect his money

The woman answers the door wearing a very sheer negligee.  He asks for his two dollars and she says she has no cash on her, but maybe they can work something out.
The newspaper boy sighs and unzips his pants to reveal an 9 inch cock.  They get down to business but the newspaper boy is only putting a few inches in her with every stroke.
The woman says "It's okay, baby, I can handle the whole thing."
The newspaper boy says "Not for two dollars you can't".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw38rk/a_newspaper_boy_knocks_on_a_womans_door_to/
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The Joke

A friend sent me this one.
There was a comedy club called “The Joke” that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a line around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business.
If only The Joke's punch line wasn't so long...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw38l7/the_joke/
%
Did you hear about the politician who wants our public transportation to run on alternative fuels?

He promises to make the trains run on Thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw38kj/did_you_hear_about_the_politician_who_wants_our/
%
Pregnant women

are the only true body builders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw36pq/pregnant_women/
%
A young businessman had just started his own firm.

He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor:
- Can I help you?
- Yes, I've come to activate your phone lines.
Source: @funandjokes telegram channel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw329j/a_young_businessman_had_just_started_his_own_firm/
%
The snails

One evening, a lady sends her husband to get snails for dinner. The man picks up the snails but realises that his girlfriend's house is closeby and decided to pay a visit for a small session. This ends up becoming a steamy event that goes all night long. The man wakes up in the morning in a panic and races back to the house. At the gate, he trips and falls face first letting go of the box which has the snails in them which fall out of the box onto the floor. The wife, already fuming and expecting an explanation, comes out of the house hearing the commotion. The man gets up, looks at her and then at the snails, and says
"Come on, you can't be this slow, we are almost there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw3182/the_snails/
%
What do you call Santa after a divorce?

A Single Kringle ready to Jingle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw30ic/what_do_you_call_santa_after_a_divorce/
%
How do you call a Mexican who lost his car.

Carloss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw2zy3/how_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs...

Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw2z06/twenty_years_ago_we_had_johnny_cash_bob_hope_and/
%
I miss the good old times...

when I wassn't alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw2y1d/i_miss_the_good_old_times/
%
My doctor just told me I was insane

But if I'm in-sane, it means that I'm "in" the "sane" spectrum. So I'm ok right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw2s2k/my_doctor_just_told_me_i_was_insane/
%
Insolence! Tonight my neighbor actually rang my bell at 4 o'clock in the morning!

I almost dropped the drilling machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw2qs5/insolence_tonight_my_neighbor_actually_rang_my/
%
I found out my ex is into being dominated

That's funny, I'd never have pegged him as a sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw2ng4/i_found_out_my_ex_is_into_being_dominated/
%
Farmer goes to the dentist.

Why did the farmer go to the dentist?
Because he had sorghum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw2ka8/farmer_goes_to_the_dentist/
%
I haven’t spoken to my wife for a month. We haven’t had an argument.

I just don’t like interrupting her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw2h6t/i_havent_spoken_to_my_wife_for_a_month_we_havent/
%
‘No, there is no incest in Alabama.’

Said the woman I met at the bar. ‘Don’t believe me? Ask my mother, father and uncle. Both are at home.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw2etn/no_there_is_no_incest_in_alabama/
%
A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.
The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.
The finnish man took the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.
The Russian drank the wine with the fly.
The Chinese man ate the fly and left the wine.
The jew took the fly out and sold it to the Chinese man.
The Romanian drank 9/10ths of the wine and demanded a new glass since there was a fly in his glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off fishing with it as bait.
The American sued the restaurant for 65 million dollars for all his mental sufferings.
The scot caught the fly and yelled "spit it out you bastard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw2d0x/a_group_of_people_from_different_nationalities/
%
I'm opening a new gay club called ‘Garage Sale’

because one man's junk is another man's treasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw1zqb/im_opening_a_new_gay_club_called_garage_sale/
%
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Bite his ankles.
~ My Chihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw1vka/dont_bite_the_hand_that_feeds_you/
%
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Unless it is removed from the body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw1v6l/absence_makes_the_heart_grow_fonder/
%
What keeps awake an insomniac dyslexic agnostic man?

Wondering if there is a real dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw1q6z/what_keeps_awake_an_insomniac_dyslexic_agnostic/
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Body Count

Him: "What's your body count?"
Me: "For What?"
Him: "People you've slept with..."
Me: "Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement..."
Him: "What?"
Me: "What?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw1m8p/body_count/
%
One's man trash is another man's treasure...

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw1fks/ones_man_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a coma.

6 months later she wakes up. The first thing she asks the doctor about is her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl who are doing just fine. Luckily for you, your brother already named them.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: He named the girl Denise.
Woman: Ok... that isn’t bad. What about my boy?
Doctor: Denephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw186g/a_woman_who_is_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a_coma/
%
A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks
"I *mite* be", giggles the mite
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly
"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"
^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass on the misery)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw16y8/a_fly_feels_a_bug_on_its_back/
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Manure

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where you headed?” asks Schwartz.
“Town.”
“What do you have in the wagon?”
“Manure.”
“Manure, eh? What do you do with it?”
“I spread it over the fruit.”
“Well,” says Schwartz, “you should come over here for lunch someday. We use sour cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw14tm/manure/
%
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw0zcj/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
%
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.

And then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw0tfo/i_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_where_the_sun_had/
%
My friend is really struggling in trying to make clothes for people diagnosed as anorexic.

It's not really a growing market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw0t9c/my_friend_is_really_struggling_in_trying_to_make/
%
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backward."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backward, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw0t6t/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
%
What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw0myw/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_bodybuilder_whos_run/
%
A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."
The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad."
His Dad says, "You're welcome, Backseat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw0moq/a_boy_asks_his_dad_one_day_dad_why_is_my_sister/
%
I've written a book about a young girl

who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.
It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw0kmx/ive_written_a_book_about_a_young_girl/
%
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw0jb4/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
%
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

“We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18”, says the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw0fi5/a_nihilist_a_socialist_and_a_neomarxist_walk_into/
%
Saving a christian

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
Written and performed by comedian Emo Philips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cw035m/saving_a_christian/
%
The early bird gets the worm

But the second mouse gets the cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvzwue/the_early_bird_gets_the_worm/
%
What did Jesus feel before he was nailed to the cross?

Pins and Needles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvzw3y/what_did_jesus_feel_before_he_was_nailed_to_the/
%
What's big, green, and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvzqxb/whats_big_green_and_fuzzy_and_if_it_falls_out_of/
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How do you upset redditors while also stating a well known fact?

Tell them Left isnt Right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvzq38/how_do_you_upset_redditors_while_also_stating_a/
%
I made a website for orphans

But it doesn't have a Home page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvzone/i_made_a_website_for_orphans/
%
A doctor, a nurse, and a mom walk into a bar

The doctor sat down and ordered a shot of whiskey.
The nurse sat down and ordered a shot of tequila.
The mom sat down and said “I’m sorry I don’t do shots.” Then falls over dead from polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvzmpm/a_doctor_a_nurse_and_a_mom_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A girl passed with A+ in her class

But she had to get the D first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvzkp4/a_girl_passed_with_a_in_her_class/
%
I went to a zoo the other day, but all they had was a dog

It was a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvzhc0/i_went_to_a_zoo_the_other_day_but_all_they_had/
%
What's the difference between a clever midget and an std?

One's cunning runt while the other's a running cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvzgz4/whats_the_difference_between_a_clever_midget_and/
%
I Extracted A Hostage Too Soon

call that premature evacuation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvzerh/i_extracted_a_hostage_too_soon/
%
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says "No minors allowed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvzayg/c_eb_and_g_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I was visiting a mental hospital. Various patients shouted racial slurs at me.

I knew this country had issues with institutionalized racism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvz85y/i_was_visiting_a_mental_hospital_various_patients/
%
There are 7 men on a pirate ship.

They go through a rough storm in the sea and eventually made it to a tropical island. Only 3 of the 7 survive.
The men are greeted by a cannibal on the island, who states:
"There are many fruit on this island. Each of you pick one kind of fruit, and bring me 100 of them."
After a few hours, the first male brings 100 bananas to the cannibal.
The cannibal says:
"Now, your next task is to shove all these bananas up your ass. You are not allowed to laugh, cry or show any emotion whilst doing this. Otherwise I am going to have to kill you."
The male successfully shoves two bananas up his ass to burst into tears from the pain. He gets killed, and goes to heaven.
The second male presents the cannibal with 100 grapes and gets told to complete the same task as the first male.
After many hours, the second male is successful in shoving 99 grapes up his ass. As he is about to put the 100th grape in, he starts giggling. He gets killed, and goes to heaven.
Male 1 in heaven: "You were doing so well, why couldn't you hold in your laughter?"
Male 2 in heaven: "Because I saw the last guy coming with 100 pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvz7lj/there_are_7_men_on_a_pirate_ship/
%
My girlfriend really likes it when I fuck her in her ear.

Every time I try and put it in her mouth she turns her head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvz7hl/my_girlfriend_really_likes_it_when_i_fuck_her_in/
%
What do you call an organised superhero?

Captain Plan It

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvz4gy/what_do_you_call_an_organised_superhero/
%
What did the man with leprosy tell the prostitute?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvyzm5/what_did_the_man_with_leprosy_tell_the_prostitute/
%
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison fence.

I thought to myself, “that’s a little condescending.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvyysl/today_i_saw_a_dwarf_climbing_down_a_prison_fence/
%
What do you call a bi-sexual woman who likes to sleep around?

An omniwhore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvytqw/what_do_you_call_a_bisexual_woman_who_likes_to/
%
Why don’t ants have dicks?

Because then they would be uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvys8s/why_dont_ants_have_dicks/
%
The Husband leans over and asks his Wife..

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvyp5i/the_husband_leans_over_and_asks_his_wife/
%
Why did the male incest porn actor get emotional and start crying on set?

Because he saw so much of himself in his daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvyox7/why_did_the_male_incest_porn_actor_get_emotional/
%
How do you get an old lady to say the “F” word?

You get another old lady to say “bingo.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvyoe1/how_do_you_get_an_old_lady_to_say_the_f_word/
%
Mickey has sued Minnie for divorce. Judge: "Mickey, I cannot grant you a divorce just because Minnie is acting silly."

Mickey: "Your honor, I did not say she was acting silly, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvyo37/mickey_has_sued_minnie_for_divorce_judge_mickey_i/
%
The Mood Ring

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my feelings.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big old red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvynz5/the_mood_ring/
%
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvymsy/did_you_know_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
A friend of mine got caught masturbating in the showers

That ruined our trip to Auschwitz - Jimmy Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvyfvm/a_friend_of_mine_got_caught_masturbating_in_the/
%
My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
For his last meal the man asked for a banana. After he ate the banana and gave his last words the executioner through the switch but nothing happened. Due to the laws in the small village since he was processed though the execution and lived he had to be set free.
He got his job back as a train conductor and the first day back on the job he caused two more fatalities. Again the investigation found him guilty and he was sentenced to death by electric chair.
This time for his last meal he asked for two bananas. He gave his last words and the the switch was thrown but still the man survived. Again he was free to go.
He goes back to work at the railroad and kills three people because of his drinking on the job. This time when the man was sentenced to death he asked for three bananas. The warden says no bananas this time, you must pay for your crimes. The executioner throws the switch and miraculously the man is still alive!  The warden says to the man how did you survive this time, we gave you no bananas!
The man just replies it  has nothing to do with bananas, I’m just a shitty conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvyf1d/my_favorite_joke_clean_joke_for_my_cakeday/
%
A newlywed couple run into their bedroom and close the door behind them. The wife looks into her husband’s eyes and says “take off my shirt, baby”

So he takes her shirt off. Then the wife says “take off my pants.” So he takes her jeans off. She smiles and says “now take off my bra.” He smiles and takes it off. “Now take off my panties” she says. He smiles even more and takes her parties off. Then the wife says “Now don’t let me catch you wearing those ever again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvy6y7/a_newlywed_couple_run_into_their_bedroom_and/
%
I used to have major ego problem

But since I got rid of if I'm pretty much perfect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvy48d/i_used_to_have_major_ego_problem/
%
A bloke I work with says he's dating twins...

I asked him "How do you tell them apart?"
"That's easy..." he says "...Marie's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvxxip/a_bloke_i_work_with_says_hes_dating_twins/
%
When you go into the bathroom you’re American. When you come out you’re American. What are you while in the bathroom?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvxoy4/when_you_go_into_the_bathroom_youre_american_when/
%
Went to the Air and Space museum today.

There was nothing there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvxbgi/went_to_the_air_and_space_museum_today/
%
I'm tired of hearing homophonic jokes!

They all sound the same!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvx92m/im_tired_of_hearing_homophonic_jokes/
%
What’s the difference between your jokes and your penis?

Nobody laughs at your jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvx6kq/whats_the_difference_between_your_jokes_and_your/
%
I got gas for $1.39 today.

Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvww20/i_got_gas_for_139_today/
%
If communism is a political party

Where is all the food?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvwutc/if_communism_is_a_political_party/
%
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvwsob/i_challenged_the_number_1_to_a_fight_but_he/
%
When I was young I wanted to be a plumber

But it ended up just being a pipe dream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvwjk2/when_i_was_young_i_wanted_to_be_a_plumber/
%
What do you call a stoned lizard?

A Mariguana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvwgdf/what_do_you_call_a_stoned_lizard/
%
Teacher: "What is a compliment to a 45 degree angle?"

Student: "My you're looking acute today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvwei6/teacher_what_is_a_compliment_to_a_45_degree_angle/
%
Pigs in a blanket were invented in Alabama.

We know this because they're in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvwdgm/pigs_in_a_blanket_were_invented_in_alabama/
%
Funny you should say that... [long]

A middle-aged Jewish man goes to his rabbi and says, "Rabbi, you gotta help me. It's my son. For 30 years he's a Jew, and now bam! He says he's a Christian!"
"Funny you should say that," the Rabbi replies. "I'm having the same problem with my kid. Let's go see Rabbi Rabinowitz, the Elder.
So they go see Rabbi Rabinowitz. "Both of our sons say they're Christians now," says the younger Rabbi.
"Funny you should say that," the elder Rabbi says. "My son, too! 30 years of being a Jew, and now BAM! Let's go see Rabbi Spiegel, the eldest of all of us."
So the three go see Rabbi Spiegel. "Rabbi, all of our sons are going around saying they're Christians!" the men complain.
"Funny you should say that," says Rabbi Spiegel. "My son, 30 years he's a Jew, and then bam! He's a Christian now." The rabbi gets serious. "The only thing we can do is take this straight to Jehovah." And the Rabbi kneels and prays, "Oh, mighty God, our sons have been good Jews for 30 years now, but now they're going around saying they're Christians!"
And a voice booms down from heaven... "Funny you should say that..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvw7xx/funny_you_should_say_that_long/
%
Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm were driving along when a cop pulls them over.

Cop: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.
Cop: You were doing 55 in a 30.
Heisenberg: Great, now I'm lost.
Cop: What's in the trunk?
Scrodinger: My cat.
The cop opens the trunk.
Cop: Your cat is dead.
Schrodinger: Well it is now, thanks a lot asshole.
The cop then arrested them. Ohm resisted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvv79f/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_were_driving_along/
%
A man comes home to his wife with a duck under his arm.

Upon entering, the man calmly states “.. and this is the pig I’ve been fucking”.
The wife frowns and says “that’s not a pig, that’s a duck”.
To which the man replies “I wasn’t talking to you”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvv1z1/a_man_comes_home_to_his_wife_with_a_duck_under/
%
Why do divers always fall out of the boat backwards?

Because if they fell forwards, they would fall into the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvv0ts/why_do_divers_always_fall_out_of_the_boat/
%
I screwed up paving my private road

It's my own dumb asphalt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvuzpn/i_screwed_up_paving_my_private_road/
%
A Chinese man moves to USA after having lived 50 years in a small Chinese province

He bought a home on a small piece of land.
The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.
He goes next door
but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs',
he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
Next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom',
he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the China-man leading a bull down the drive-way .....pause...... and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.
The American bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the China-man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens.
The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you.'
The China man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs, I doing,
these American Customs.'
'What do you mean' says the neighbor, 'Those aren't American customs.'
'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the China-man.
'He say to become true American, I must learn to
..... chase chicks,
..... get piss drunk,
and
..... listen to bull-shit!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvuv1n/a_chinese_man_moves_to_usa_after_having_lived_50/
%
A blonde woman was getting tired of all the blonde jokes she heard, so she dyed her hair and set out to prove them wrong while “undercover”

She came across a huge heard of sheep and saw their shepherd.
“Hey! If I can correctly count all your sheep, can I have one?” she asked, eyeing a chance to prove blondes could at least do basic math.
The bored shepherd answered, “Yeah, sure”.
The blonde set about counting and came back a little later.
“117”
“I’ll be... that’s right!”
Proudly, the blonde took her prize and made to walk away. As she did, the shepherd made a grimace.
“Wait!” shouted the shepherd.
“What?” said the blonde and stopped.
“Your hair is dyed, right?”
Getting nervous, the blonde answered, “yeah?”.
“If I can guess your original hair colour, can I get my dog back?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvun9y/a_blonde_woman_was_getting_tired_of_all_the/
%
Apparently, when you supply Human Resources with a urine sample...

... it has to be because they requested it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvun6n/apparently_when_you_supply_human_resources_with_a/
%
Two thieves see a horse...

Two thieves see a horse tied to a hitch outside of a tavern in a small rural town. They decide they want want to steal the horse, but they're pretty sure they'll get caught trying to make their escape from the town in the middle of nowhere.
The one thief says to the other: "I have an idea. The people in this town are known to be particularly stupid. I think I know a way we can trick them. Take off that saddle and that feed-bag from that horse and put them on me. Then you take the horse and let me do the rest. We'll meet up at our safe house outside of town!".
So they do this. The thief with the horse escapes into the night, and the other thief stands at the hitch - wearing a saddle and a feedbag on his face! Eventually the local farmer comes out of the tavern...
"Where is my horse?!?" the farmer exclaims.
The thief says to him: "I'm right here, don't you recognize me? I used to be a man, just like you. But several years ago I had sex with an evil witch and she cursed me to be a horse for a long time. But the curse is over, now!"
The farmer says "Oh my Lord! What a tragic tale!  You've been a horse all these years? My horse? Can you ever forgive me for all the times I whipped you and worked you so hard for my own ease and comfort?"
The thief thought about it for a second and cagily said: Well... I have nothing in this world. If you could give me $50 to help me get  back on my feet again, I would really appreciate it!"
So the old farmer gave him the $50 and the thief went on his way.
Several months later the farmer was selling his crops several towns over when he saw his old horse on sale in the market for $50.
To which the farmer replied: "Old boy... you really need to learn to stay away from those witches!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvukx5/two_thieves_see_a_horse/
%
The teacher tells the class: 'Whoever gets the next question right, can go home early.'

Benjamin throws his pencil to the front of the class. Teacher picks it up and asks: 'Who was that?'
Benjamin: 'Me, have a nice day.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvuffl/the_teacher_tells_the_class_whoever_gets_the_next/
%
[NSFW] How do you call a hoe thinking in the shower?

A shower thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvub7d/nsfw_how_do_you_call_a_hoe_thinking_in_the_shower/
%
Why didn’t Barbie become pregnant?

Because Ken came in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvu7sv/why_didnt_barbie_become_pregnant/
%
A man and his pet greyhound walk into a bar

While he’s sipping on his drink he notices a man with his pet turtle. Now this turtle did not look healthy,  it had a large crack down its shell and bandages all over it. So, asked the bartender,
“What’s up with that turtle”
the bartender answered,
“That’s the fastest turtle in the world”
The man was very confused so he decided to talk to the guy with the turtle
“Excuse me sir” he said, “what’s up with your turtle”
The man answered with the same thing
“He’s the fastest turtle in the world”
He continued,
“In fact, I bet you $100 my turtle could beat you’re greyhound in a race”
“You’re on the man replied”
They walked an open area at the bar and started the race
“3, 2, 1 , Go!
The greyhound started running as fast as he could. The man with the turtle picked up his pet and threw it across the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvu77r/a_man_and_his_pet_greyhound_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That’s 7 years in a row now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvu66o/i_cant_believe_i_forgot_to_go_to_the_gym_today/
%
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says

, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvu1mt/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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I have 2 short jokes and a long joke

Joke joke jooooooooke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvtydy/i_have_2_short_jokes_and_a_long_joke/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly improper position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvtvre/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvttgr/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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How do you scare a Jewish kid in Minecraft?

You get 8 cobblestone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvts4k/how_do_you_scare_a_jewish_kid_in_minecraft/
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I like my women the same way I like my bread

Warm, sweet and without nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvtrix/i_like_my_women_the_same_way_i_like_my_bread/
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The waiter said to me “I just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”

I said “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken tenders, and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvtni8/the_waiter_said_to_me_i_just_want_to_let_you_know/
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When Amy Schumer was growing up, everybody laughed when she said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody is laughing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvtb92/when_amy_schumer_was_growing_up_everybody_laughed/
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I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, "Of course not!..

...why would we choose you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvt9xp/i_asked_my_mom_if_i_was_adopted_she_said_of/
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To people who purposely mispronounce people's names for attention, stop it.

You're making a Sean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvt16i/to_people_who_purposely_mispronounce_peoples/
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Why did the dog sit in the shade?

It didn’t want to be a hot dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvt103/why_did_the_dog_sit_in_the_shade/
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How much room do you need to grow a fungus?

As mushroom as possible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvspi9/how_much_room_do_you_need_to_grow_a_fungus/
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The trade war between the U.S. and China is really devolving

Into a case of he said, Xi said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvsm61/the_trade_war_between_the_us_and_china_is_really/
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Trump has a heart attack and ends up in Hell where the Devil is waiting for him...

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvsm4s/trump_has_a_heart_attack_and_ends_up_in_hell/
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A guy gets home early from work

and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard," says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvsl2y/a_guy_gets_home_early_from_work/
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The Nazis were invading America...

The Nazis were invading America and people were panicking. As the troops approached a small American town, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde ran to hide. They came upon three trees and each climbed up a tree to hide.
The Nazis approached the first tree and kicked it, “what’s in this tree?” the leader exclaimed.
“Tweet tweet” said the brunette.
“Oh, it’s just a bird..” said the leader.
They moved onto the next tree and kicked it.. “What’s up in this tree?”
“Meowwwwww” said the redhead.
“Oh, it’s just a stranded kitty. Nothing to worry about” says the Nazi.
They move onto the final tree and kick it, “and what do we have in this tree?”
The blonde replied “moooooooo”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvsfs0/the_nazis_were_invading_america/
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Where in the fridge do you store your genetic experiments?

In the CRISPR drawer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvsa52/where_in_the_fridge_do_you_store_your_genetic/
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Bob and Mary are single residence in a nursing home care facility. Every night Mary goes to Bob’s room and Jacks him off before bed.

One evening Mary goes to Bob‘s room and sees that Margret is in there doing what she considered to be her job. Mary calmly walks out unseen. The next day at breakfast she confronts Bob. “I went to your room last night and Margret was at your bedside instead of me. What does she have that I don’t”?. Bob swiftly replies “Parkinson’s”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvs77r/bob_and_mary_are_single_residence_in_a_nursing/
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I went to the doctor with hearing problems

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homer is fat, Lisa is smart and Marge has blue hair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvs1hx/i_went_to_the_doctor_with_hearing_problems/
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I got sober 2 years ago..

Worst hour I can remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvryca/i_got_sober_2_years_ago/
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A Young man comes home from boot camp is telling his dad all about it...

...He proceeds to tell him about the part of boot camp where they learn to jump out of a plane.
The son says, "Everyone was jumping out of the plane but I was too scared so I just held onto the door. We had a big, black drill sergeant that was screaming at me to jump but I just couldn't do it. He told me, 'Boy if you don't jump out of this plane right now I'm gonna stuff my Johnson all the way up your ass!'
The dad then asked, "So, did you jump?"
To which the son replied, "Well... a little at first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvrrwf/a_young_man_comes_home_from_boot_camp_is_telling/
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All men are the same!

Grandma is seeing that her grandchild, a young woman, is getting ready to go out, dressing up nicely and being all nervous. So she asked her grandchild about her plans.
"Why, I am going out on my first date with a handsome young fella, Grandma! I am so excited!"
The Grandma raised her eyebrows, shook her head and said with a concerned voice: "My child, watch yourself – all men are the same! He will take you out for drinks, he will give you sweet compliments, touch your hand, caress your hair and buy you another drink. Then he'll bring you to his place, just for a coffee and to listen to music, so he'll say – yet he'll give you another drink, blow softly in your ear, tug at your dress strap and before you know you'll be undressed – he'll jump you and dishonor your entire family!"
"Oh Grandma, don't be so dramatic!" the young woman exclaimed, and off she went.
The next day, the young woman went to find her Grandma excitedly. "Grandma! Grandma, you were right, all men are the same!"
"Oh no dear, what happened?!" the Grandma exclaimed.
The young woman went "Oh Grandma, it was like you said – He took me out for drinks, he gave me the sweetest compliments, touched my hand, caressed my hair and bought me another drink. Then he brought me to his place, just for a coffee and to listen to music, or so he said – yet he gave me another drink, blew softly in my ear, tugged at my dress strap and before I knew I was undressed."
The Grandma gasped.
"But Grandma, don't worry, because right then – I jumped on HIM and dishonored HIS entire family!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvrqef/all_men_are_the_same/
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A week from today, I'm going to an event at a dog genetics testing facility.

It's called the Labor Day Labrador Laboratory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvrl2j/a_week_from_today_im_going_to_an_event_at_a_dog/
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When I was young, I was obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine.

As I got older, I realized it’s just a phase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvrhs0/when_i_was_young_i_was_obsessed_with_the/
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A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"
The guy says "looking for me"
.
.
.
.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvrgyu/a_guy_wants_a_divorce_he_tells_the_judge_i_cant/
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80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling... ...."I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?"
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must of shot the bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvrfgy/80_year_old_man_was_having_his_annual_checkup/
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A vegan said to me: People who sell meat are gross.

I replied: People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvrea0/a_vegan_said_to_me_people_who_sell_meat_are_gross/
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I accidentally declined an offer

Nope unintended

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvrbod/i_accidentally_declined_an_offer/
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I used to be one of the best fluffers in porno, but eventually, I had to step down.

The competition was too stiff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvr6uj/i_used_to_be_one_of_the_best_fluffers_in_porno/
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What's the difference between a golfer and a sky-diver?

Golfer goes: \*Whack!\* "Dammit!"
Sky-diver goes: "Dammit!" \*Whack!\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvr3yq/whats_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranged the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvr0l5/my_wife_has_this_weird_ocd_where_she_arranged_the/
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Recently decided to start sleepwalking

So far so good, it's been a walk in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvqxg5/recently_decided_to_start_sleepwalking/
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Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!
One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they slowly rounded the block.
After the boy got to school he saw his best friend and asked him. "Hey I was walking to class and these three older girls called me a purple vein. Any idea what it means?" His best friend of his short lived elementary experience looked at him with shock and disgust. Appallingly he said "How could you!? I'm telling Mrs. Reevus!"
Mrs. Reevus comes up to the boy and asks him what is going on? The boy replies "Well I was walking to school and these three girls called me a purple vein, then I got to class and asked my friend what a purple vein was, do you know what it means Mrs. Reevus?" The teacher with a sour scowl etched across her face told the boy. "Son that is enough! Go the principle's office at once!"
They boy is waiting in the principal's office when he hears the principal behind the closed door, the boy sees his principal's shadow through the sand blasted door window. Imprinted says 'Principal McDouglas: Hopkins Elementary'. The well dressed Principal opens the door and says come on in young man. As the boy is entering the room Mr. McDouglas says "What is the nature of your presence in my office?" They boy replies with fear of repetition of the past but none-the-less he says "Well I was walking to school today when three girls approached me and called me a purple vein. I got to school and asked my best friend what a purple vein was, then I talked to the teacher and asked her what a purple vein was, now I am asking you Mr. McDouglas do you know what a purple vein is?" The Principal had been waiting his whole life for a student like this he takes a deep breath clearly filled with frustration and says "Son get out of this school! You are expelled. Do not ever try to come back!"
Suddenly the boy is walking home in tears over today's events so far. He gets home and see his mom is doing house chores. He wipes his tears and has the secure feeling of being in his home. She says "You're home early, everything okay?" The boy choked as he began to speak "Well M-M-Mom I was walking to school today when three girls called me a purple vein, I got to class and asked my friend what a purple vein was, he told on me, I talked to the teacher and asked her what a purple vein was, she sent me to the principal, I asked the principal he expelled me, mom do you know what a purple vein is?" The mother with much disgust look as if she witnessed her son murdering their family pet. She said to the boy "Go to your room! Do not come out till your father gets home, you hear me boy!" The boy in tears again says "Yes, Mother.."
After a few hours with what seemed like forever the father arrives home and the boy is nervously anticipating his father's future approach. Soon he hears him coming up the stairs in a not so relaxed pace, his father opens the door and yells "What did you do to your mother!?" The boy tears flowing down his face stuttered out "Dad I was walking to school and these three girls called me a purple vein, I got to class and asked my friend what a purple vein was, he told on me to the teacher, I asked the teacher what a purple vein was and she sent me to the principal, I then asked the principal what a purple vein was and he expelled me from the school, I got home and asked mom what a purple vein was and she sent me to my room, now dad do you know what a purple vein is?" His dad with fever and disgust says "Get out of my house and never come here again! You're not my son anymore!"
The boy had no place to go or knowledge of what to do. He saw a old hobo lady sitting on a bench in the park. He approached the woman and she seemed of warm spirit and cheered him up a bit before she starting asking why he was all by his lonesome. The boy replied " Well I was walking to school when three girls approached me and called me a purple vein, I got to class and asked my friend what a purple vein was, he told on me to the teacher, I asked the teacher what a purple vein was, she sent me to the principal, I asked him what a purple vein was and he expelled me, I got home and asked mom what a purple vein was and she told on me to my dad, who I asked what a purple vein was and he kicked me out of the house and family. Old hobo lady do you know what a purple vein is?" The lady look at him and said "No I do not, but do you see that castle across the street up the hill with the dark clouds and lightning? If you go there, there is a man who knows all and will have your answer."
The boy is hopeful and almost crosses the street before getting hit by a bus.. Moral of the story, look both ways when you cross the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvqw8d/purple_vein/
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Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?

O.J. Simpson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvqlkv/whos_the_most_famous_los_angeles_dodger/
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I never realized that after mating, pigeons die.

At least the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvqi85/i_never_realized_that_after_mating_pigeons_die/
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Case of a dead jackass

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvqgpe/case_of_a_dead_jackass/
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What do you get when a teenage girl really sticks to her story?

Christianity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvqcc9/what_do_you_get_when_a_teenage_girl_really_sticks/
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80,000 blondes are stuck on an island a mile away from the mainland.

One of them volunteers to swim over to mainland so that she's can get the coast guard to help them out.
She starts swimming, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and drowns.
A second volunteers to do the same. She starts swimming, gets half way there, then gets tired and drowns.
A third volunteers. She starts swimming, gets three quarters of the way there, gets tired, and drowns.
A fourth volunteers. She gets nine tenths of the way there, starts to gets tired,
and drowns after trying to swim back to the island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvq96b/80000_blondes_are_stuck_on_an_island_a_mile_away/
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I have an addiction to brake fluid.

But that's perfectly fine, because I can stop whenever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvpzxl/i_have_an_addiction_to_brake_fluid/
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My mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvpn4d/my_mom_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
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My dad with arthritis was arrested for falling down while on a jog.

Apparently you can't roll joints in public spaces yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvpkeb/my_dad_with_arthritis_was_arrested_for_falling/
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My first dog was named Victory...

...because my parents never let me have a pet when I was a kid. I was so happy to have her that I took her out for walks every day. One day, we were passing the beach, and I decided it would be nice to let her go for a swim. It was hot out, after all. Unfortunately, the local beach had an infamous shark that bit off a foot from 3 different people, so everyone called it 'Feet'. I was keeping an eye on my dog, like any responsible pet owner, when I see a fin surface and begin approaching my dog. I immediately rush out into the water, terrified that she'll be eaten. At the last minute, I was able to snatch Victory from the jaws of the Feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvphuk/my_first_dog_was_named_victory/
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When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When god presented Moses with two tablets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvpfs4/when_was_medicine_first_mentioned_in_the_bible/
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Contagious

At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence...
Cindy raises her hand. "Yes, Cindy?" She answers, "I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious."
"Very good, Cindy!" the teacher said, "Anyone else want to try?" Samantha raises her hand. "Yes, Samantha?" She answers, "My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious."
"Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative," the teacher praises. "Okay, one more volunteer." Little Johnny raises his hand. "Yes, Johnny?"
"Well," he says, "I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'"
*OP's note: for those that don't get it... sound it out in three syllables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvpcm2/contagious/
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What did my grandfather say before he kicked the bucket?

Let's see how far this bucket goes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvpcj9/what_did_my_grandfather_say_before_he_kicked_the/
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Why did Captain America wait so long to carry Thor’s hammer?

He didn’t wanna steal his thunder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvpa46/why_did_captain_america_wait_so_long_to_carry/
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What's the difference?

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvp9ao/whats_the_difference/
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NSA

My sister just told me that she taped up the **camera** because she's afraid of being spied on by the **NSA**.
*I laughed*
*she laughed*
*the smartphone laughed*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvp8fb/nsa/
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What's the best part of living in Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvp7h5/whats_the_best_part_of_living_in_switzerland/
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I'm sorry for taking your daughter's virginity

It won't happen again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvp7fx/im_sorry_for_taking_your_daughters_virginity/
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Joe goes to prom

Joe has had a crush on Ashley since fourth grade but never said anything. Prom is coming up and she recently broke up with her boyfriend that she'd been dating since freshman year. Joe decided that if he was going to make a move it was now or never. He worked up the courage to go up to Ashley and ask her if she'd go to prom with him. To his suprise she said yes!
Joe was so excited and wanted the night to be perfect so he talks with her friends and agrees to setup the limo. Before leaving he makes sure to get prom tickets for himself and Ashley. There's a line of students waiting and he gets nervous because he wanted to leave early to rent the limo. He gets to the front, buys his tickets, and hurries on his way. He goes to the rental place and waits in line with everyone else looking to rent a limo for prom. He gets to the front and arranges everything, proud of himself because he didn't let the group down. Next he goes to rent a tux and finds that there's another line at this store. He waits while everyone else gets fitted and finally makes it to the front. He's worried that they may not have any left in his size but to his relief the store is prepared for prom season and Joe is able to get one in his size. Last on the list is a corsage for Ashley. He makes his way to the flower shop and encounters yet another line, which at this point he expected. He waits in line with everyone else and finally completes his to do list with a lovely corsage for his date.
Finally prom night is here and Joe more nervous and excited than he's ever been before. He gets to Ashley's house and she looks stunning. He gives her the corsage, her friends show up with their dates, everyone takes photos and they head to prom in the limo. Everything is going great and Joe is finally starting to relax.
They arrive at prom and they spot a photobooth. Ashley and Joe get in line and  Joe starts to worry that Ashley might get bored. He's happy to see this line is moving more quickly than the one's he was in earlier and they have fun chatting while they wait. They get to the front and take their pictures. Ashley even gives Joe and kiss on the cheek in one of them.
Joe cant believe how well the night is going. He asks Ashley if she's thirsty, she says yes so he goes to get them some punch. He makes his way over to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvp3rb/joe_goes_to_prom/
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What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill?

A lambslide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvp3gh/what_do_you_call_100_sheep_rolling_down_a_hill/
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A mother is cleaning the kitchen when her son calls her loudly for help.

- MOM! COME OVER HERE!
The mother replies: "I'm busy, if you need something, then *you* come over here.
The boy goes to the kitchen with his feet all dirty and says: "I stepped on the dog's shit. Where do I clean my feet now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvp120/a_mother_is_cleaning_the_kitchen_when_her_son/
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I've developed a craving for strong female characters that I can't seem to knock. That's right...

I'm addicted to heroine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvowom/ive_developed_a_craving_for_strong_female/
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Why do blind people hate sky diving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvoslq/why_do_blind_people_hate_sky_diving/
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Her best feature [nsfw]

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvorw1/her_best_feature_nsfw/
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A man gets home from work and shouts to his wife:

" It's the third fucking time that I get home and dinner isn't ready, we are going to have a serious conversation!"
The woman, revolted: " fuck this! I shower the kids, I dress them up, I take care of them, I drive them to school, I don't even have time to wipe my own ass!"
Him: " that's another thing we have to talk about".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvonyy/a_man_gets_home_from_work_and_shouts_to_his_wife/
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Women and Crime...

Despite making up roughly 49% of the population.
Women are responsible for 100% of the crimes in space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvone9/women_and_crime/
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I lost 20% of my couch

ouch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvomxl/i_lost_20_of_my_couch/
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Why didn't a motorbike go to a car show?

It was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvogw0/why_didnt_a_motorbike_go_to_a_car_show/
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Doctor: (handing me newborn baby) I’m sorry, your wife didn’t make it.

Me: (handing baby back) well bring me the one she did make

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvogmz/doctor_handing_me_newborn_baby_im_sorry_your_wife/
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My friend David lost his ID.

Now he’s just Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvoejz/my_friend_david_lost_his_id/
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I once met my future self and he told me:

If you can only once travel back in time to give yourself advice, go further back than four sec....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvoe23/i_once_met_my_future_self_and_he_told_me/
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Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvodaq/job_interviewer_and_where_would_you_see_yourself/
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Eight out of ten experts agree that...

... the other two are idiots who should not be called experts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvobz5/eight_out_of_ten_experts_agree_that/
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Man to woman in bar: Are you a school?

Woman: No, why?   Man: Because I want to shoot a bunch of kids inside of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvo97s/man_to_woman_in_bar_are_you_a_school/
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What’s the most expensive item at the dollar store?

The condoms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvo7i9/whats_the_most_expensive_item_at_the_dollar_store/
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When I was a younger lad I was blessed with an 8 1/2" penis

Unfortunately it belonged to father O'Malley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvo5yh/when_i_was_a_younger_lad_i_was_blessed_with_an_8/
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What do vegetarians say when they get a flat tire?

Should've bought asparagus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvnx6l/what_do_vegetarians_say_when_they_get_a_flat_tire/
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The difference between ironman and iron woman is....

One is a super hero, the other is a command.
And this type of rubbish joke is why my wife left me and the only comfort I have is reddit....I'm the real joke here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvnrpx/the_difference_between_ironman_and_iron_woman_is/
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In a bus packed with passengers, a woman and a man stood glued together and the driver was constantly hitting the brakes!

Woman: You have something that's poking me.
Man: Oh sorry, that's my salary money in the pocket of my pants.
Woman: Your salary has increased a lot in the last five minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvneqn/in_a_bus_packed_with_passengers_a_woman_and_a_man/
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Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvn9v7/heisenberg_was_speeding_down_the_highway_a_cop/
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A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?
T: Yes.
P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed  a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?
T: A whisk-taker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvn7uj/a_police_officer_is_interrogating_a_thief/
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What did the transgender woman tell their doctor when they wanted to detransition?

Remember me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvn5dj/what_did_the_transgender_woman_tell_their_doctor/
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*airhorn sound*

\*another airhorn sound\*
..This isn't deodorant?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvn5bz/airhorn_sound/
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Little Girl: "Mummy, i want to be a feminist when i grow up!"

Mum: "well pick one sweety, you cant do both."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvn20q/little_girl_mummy_i_want_to_be_a_feminist_when_i/
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I'm trying to keep my will very secret

But honestly, it's a dead give away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvn1hv/im_trying_to_keep_my_will_very_secret/
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My dog kept chasing people on bicycles

So I took his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvmunt/my_dog_kept_chasing_people_on_bicycles/
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So a man was thinking about what his wife said about pregnancy.

His wife had just been arguing with him the child birth is more painful then getting hit in the balls.
He politely thought about it from both angles and realized he was right all along. Because if a woman gives birth after about a year or two she says "wouldn't it be nice to have another child", but most men never say "wouldn't it be nice to get hit in the balls again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvmulu/so_a_man_was_thinking_about_what_his_wife_said/
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I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug,

apparently 9 out of 10 people suffered from diarrhoea.
I can’t stop thinking about the tenth person that actually enjoyed it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvmn17/i_heard_a_report_about_a_bad_outbreak_of_the/
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If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvmg8r/if_the_ku_klux_klan_leaders_are_wizards_why_dont/
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I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvmcq5/i_tried_a_few_drugs_here_and_there_in_my_life/
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I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvluzm/i_told_my_friend_that_he_really_shouldnt_be_using/
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Did you know that Helen Keller had a parrot?

Yeah, neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvlu8y/did_you_know_that_helen_keller_had_a_parrot/
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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Elefino

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvlq4o/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_and_a/
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Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvlnz4/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvlkl9/trump_obama_clinton_and_bush_decided_to_have_a/
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McDonalds was once banned in China

..but once they saw how badly they treated their workforce they changed their minds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvleiy/mcdonalds_was_once_banned_in_china/
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What happened after Snow White sat in the bath, feeling happy?

Happy got out, so she felt Grumpy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvldnf/what_happened_after_snow_white_sat_in_the_bath/
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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvlaan/its_strange_to_see_christians_advocating/
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real dad joke at Niagara Falls

We did a tour behind the Falls in Niagara. We were leaving the tour and going up the elevator:
Elevator Operator: is this your first time?
Me: no I've been on many elevators.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvl9xn/real_dad_joke_at_niagara_falls/
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Two donkeys are standing at a roadside,

one asks the other: Shall we cross?
His friend replies: No way, look what happened to that zebra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvkz5n/two_donkeys_are_standing_at_a_roadside/
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What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvkpb0/what_rock_group_has_four_men_that_dont_sing/
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A woman wakes up her husband in the middle of the night.

Her: "honey, there are thieves around the house trying to get in"
Him: " ah shit, what should we do?"
Her: "go crawl near the curtains so they think we have a dog and get scared"
Him: " better yet, get your mother to go near the window and they'll think the house is haunted!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvknwp/a_woman_wakes_up_her_husband_in_the_middle_of_the/
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After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.
“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”
That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.
“What are you doing?”
“Counting your ribs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvkjit/after_adam_stayed_out_late_a_few_nights_eve/
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What's the fastest way to transport slaves?

Blackmail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvkgi7/whats_the_fastest_way_to_transport_slaves/
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My father alway use to say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

‘Til the accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvkd4q/my_father_alway_use_to_say_what_doesnt_kill_you/
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How can you tell which man is blind at a nude beach?

It isnt hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvk7bp/how_can_you_tell_which_man_is_blind_at_a_nude/
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Did you hear about the boxers' union?

They demanded equal rights, lefts and uppercuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvk37u/did_you_hear_about_the_boxers_union/
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A woman turns to her husband and asks...

"Dear, how many women have you slept with?" He replied, "Just you dear, the other ones kept me awake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvk1qw/a_woman_turns_to_her_husband_and_asks/
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What playing cards are the best dancers.

The king and queen of clubs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvjzin/what_playing_cards_are_the_best_dancers/
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Last night I stayed up all night to see where the sun went!

Then it dawned on me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvjzei/last_night_i_stayed_up_all_night_to_see_where_the/
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A man walks into a bar to see a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling

The man questions the bartender about the meat, and he says if you can jump and slap a piece of meat, then you get a free drink, but if you miss, you have to buy drinks for the entire bar.
The man says “no thanks, the steaks are too high”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvju18/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_to_see_a_bunch_of_meat/
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Hopefully, I've got a book coming out soon.

I shouldn't have eaten it really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvjk8y/hopefully_ive_got_a_book_coming_out_soon/
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What do you call a dog that does magic?

A Labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvjjdn/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_does_magic/
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A-fucking-wooooo

I'm a swearwolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvjh1n/afuckingwooooo/
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Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table.

One more asked to join. One of them said, “Sorry there is not mushroom”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvjf85/fourteen_mushrooms_were_sitting_at_a_lunch_table/
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A man is paying for sex with the lovely woman on the corner and asks how much she charges.

She replies "10 dollars to strip slowly and teasingly and 20 dollars to remove my clothes as fast as I possibly can to get down to business".
The man responds "20 dollars?! That's a rip off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvjdvu/a_man_is_paying_for_sex_with_the_lovely_woman_on/
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Once there was a girl named Darling...

... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her some fame as a competitive soccer player.
Darling met and married a handsome veterinarian named Chorus who worked at an African wildlife reserve and, in time, they had a baby boy. Despite the hardships she endured, she demanded that the child also have a unique name but she didn’t want the boy to know it was her idea. She told the father that the boy’s name would be “Love” and that he had to pretend that it was his idea. He reluctantly agreed.
Darling’s soccer career flourished and Chorus became head of pachyderm health at the wildlife reserve. As Love grew, he endured the same ridicule and taunting that his mother did. Love’s father continued to cover for his wife's decision and argued that in time he would learn to appreciate his unique name.
One day, Chorus was at work preparing a tranquilizer gun to work on an elephant when Love burst into his office. Love raged about the misery his name had caused him but Chorus kept up the pretense that the name was his own idea. Love grabbed the tranquilizer gun and shot his father with one of the potent darts before fleeing.
Chorus struggled for life aware that the elephant tranquilizer would kill him in a few short minutes. Darling, returning from a soccer practice found her husband struggling on the floor in his last moments of consciousness. Rushing to him, she held him in her arms and asked what happened? With his last labored breath
Chorus:
> Shot with a dart and you’re to blame, Darling.
>
> You gave Love a bad name.
>
> I played my part while you played your game.
>
> You gave love a bad name.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvjdt9/once_there_was_a_girl_named_darling/
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Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself...

That's a little condescending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvjdir/today_i_saw_a_dwarf_climbing_down_a_prison_wall_i/
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I hate circles

They’re so pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvjdg4/i_hate_circles/
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Man 1: "driving down a highway" check out that flock of cows!

Man 2: flock?
Man 1: yeah? What's wrong?
Man 2: its herd
Man 1: herd?
Man 2: yeah, herd of cows
Man 1: of course I've heard of cows. Theres a flock of them over there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvjbep/man_1_driving_down_a_highway_check_out_that_flock/
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Did you guys hear about the kidnapping in Australia?

Dont worry, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvj7u5/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_kidnapping_in/
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How to make holy water

Boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvj7g4/how_to_make_holy_water/
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My friend thinks I can set the masturbation world record.

Honestly, I don't think I can pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvj3j0/my_friend_thinks_i_can_set_the_masturbation_world/
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What did Darwin tell his children?

You're adapted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvj1zd/what_did_darwin_tell_his_children/
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There’s a nut in the cashew family that makes you sneeze...

They call it a blessew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cviwbq/theres_a_nut_in_the_cashew_family_that_makes_you/
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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection. How is it possible?

Doctor : There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : You understood the story. Next patient please..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cviw9a/guy_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_we/
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What do you call a hippo that passes gas?

A Rippofartimus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvivf9/what_do_you_call_a_hippo_that_passes_gas/
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A man as soon as he gets to his home

He says to his wife:
-Honey, we've got a problem...
Before he continues his wife says:
-Sweety, we've got to work together in any trouble we encounter in life, if you have a problem WE got a problem. Ok now that I made myself clear what were you saying?.
-Our secretary is pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvit5x/a_man_as_soon_as_he_gets_to_his_home/
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A frog goes to a fortune teller.

She says,” You will meet a beautiful girl next week who will want to know intimate things about you.”
“That’s great!” Says the frog,” Where do I meet her? The swamp? The pond?”
The fortune teller gazes into her ball,” Her biology class.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvir2q/a_frog_goes_to_a_fortune_teller/
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I went to get my hair cut today

But there were so many in front of me.
After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.
It was the Best Barber Queue ever!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvip9q/i_went_to_get_my_hair_cut_today/
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Three Worst Chinese Tortures

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.  It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my daughter."
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the daughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her father and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "First Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test. Is this the best the old man can do?" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "Second worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock, figuring broken bones was better than castration. Outside the window is a third sign saying "Third worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cviixo/three_worst_chinese_tortures/
%
Why did Princess Peach choke?

Because Mario went down the wrong pipe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvifxh/why_did_princess_peach_choke/
%
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich

He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."
Moral of the story? Watch where you put your commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvif49/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar_sits_down_and_orders_a/
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Did you hear there are criminals stealing wheels from cop cars?

The police is working tirelessly to track down the suspects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvibnc/did_you_hear_there_are_criminals_stealing_wheels/
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A guy and girl had sex poem competition

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvib8k/a_guy_and_girl_had_sex_poem_competition/
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If you vaccinate your children, you're stupid.

Let a doctor do it, hes a professional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvi9z3/if_you_vaccinate_your_children_youre_stupid/
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Cold War Era Joke: This Russian dude had a talking parrot. A very special parrot who loved cursing the regime, and the Communist party leaders. One day, hard knocks on the door, "KGB, open up!". The guy hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB searches the apartment and cannot find the parrot.

The KGB agents give the guy a warning. Once they leave, he runs to the freezer takes out the shivering bird and hugs it and tells the parrot to curse the revolution. The parrot is mum. "Com'on curse Brezhniev , curse the KGB. The parrot looks at the guy and says "I've just been to Siberia! I'm not taking any chances".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvi4v3/cold_war_era_joke_this_russian_dude_had_a_talking/
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Today I gave up my seat to an old blind lady on the bus...

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvi1fj/today_i_gave_up_my_seat_to_an_old_blind_lady_on/
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I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.

It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvhs6g/i_decided_to_kill_off_a_few_characters_in_the/
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THREE DEAD MEN

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.  Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.  "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.  If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."  The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings."  With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.  The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.  "Then, go to Hell!"  With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.  The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"  With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.  The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"  The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."  The Devil did just that.  The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.  Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"  The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvhm6x/three_dead_men/
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Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvhjpq/johnny_asked_me_the_other_if_he_could_end_a/
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How do you kill a gluten free Vampire?

Garlic bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvhggu/how_do_you_kill_a_gluten_free_vampire/
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In the US, people keep saying that these shootings, and crime, and natural disasters are being caused by immigrants and gay people...

... but my money is on building the country on one big Indian burial ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvhdpx/in_the_us_people_keep_saying_that_these_shootings/
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Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

Because D shells are too big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvhatu/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_seashells/
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What do you call a sugar daddy in a wheel chair?

Meals on wheels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvh2w6/what_do_you_call_a_sugar_daddy_in_a_wheel_chair/
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Every New Year's Eve, I look forward to a good show at Time's Square

...and year after year, they drop the ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvh0a3/every_new_years_eve_i_look_forward_to_a_good_show/
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Why did the can crusher quit his job?

It was soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvgrpz/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
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Hey girl are you a Communist?

Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvgrg4/hey_girl_are_you_a_communist/
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There was a man who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvgnxu/there_was_a_man_who_drove_trains_for_a_living/
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How does Tom Hiddleston spend weekends?

He keeps it Loki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvg799/how_does_tom_hiddleston_spend_weekends/
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I hate how funerals are always so early in the day.

I'm really not a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvg5t0/i_hate_how_funerals_are_always_so_early_in_the_day/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvflno/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia?

Well tough shit, I've forgotten it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvfiij/do_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_constipation_and/
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A man walks into a bar and orders 2 beers.

The man drinks both and leaves the bar.
The next day the man orders two more beers and the bartender asks why he keeps ordering two beers at a time.
The man replies, "I order one for me and one for my brother in Ireland".
And so the man keeps doing the same thing for four years till one day, he only orders one beer.
The bartender asks, "Oh no, did something happen to your brother?"
The man responds, "Oh he is fine, I'm just doing lent"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvfi6q/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_2_beers/
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Some people say onions are the only veg that make you cry

They've never been hit in the face by a turnip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvff8j/some_people_say_onions_are_the_only_veg_that_make/
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My fiance got mad when I used the word puke.

But to me, that is what her dinner tasted like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvfesg/my_fiance_got_mad_when_i_used_the_word_puke/
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Just burned 2,000 calories

I put brownies in the oven, and then opened up reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvf9uo/just_burned_2000_calories/
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A man goes to a camel service stop

He tells the worker "My camel won't walk, can you help?"
"Sure" He signals to the automotive lift "Put the camel on the lift"
The man drags the camel on the lift and the worker slams the camels balls with 2 bricks and it runs off
"How am i supposed to catch it now?" To which the worker replies "*sigh* On the lift..." and slams his balls with the bricks, to which he goes running too
The workers boss comes out and asks "did he pay you?" To which the worker shakes his head. the boss replies "*sigh*, on the lift..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvf2b1/a_man_goes_to_a_camel_service_stop/
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Public transit is like my girlfriend

It never comes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvf0rd/public_transit_is_like_my_girlfriend/
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A rope walks into a bar....

The bartender says,  "hey, we don't serve ropes here sir". So the rope goes out side gets twisted and messes up his hair and walks back in minutes later.  "Hey are you that rope that I told to leave earlier" shouted the bartender. He looks at the bartender and says "No sir, I'm a frayed knot".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cveqdg/a_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man has 3 children: “Sandy”, “Snowy” and “Bricky”.

One night he is watching television, Snowy approaches him and ask: “Why is my name snowy?”
The father replies: “Because when you were born, a little snow flake posed on your head and your mother though it was beautiful”
The other day, Sandy approaches his dad and asks him: “Why is my name Sandy?”
“Because when you were born, a little sand grain posed on your head my dear, and your mother though it was a sign”
The third day comes Bricky.
The father is ready to answer his question.
And Bricky asks him “ ajsofpfmd d dlospsmad?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cveq4a/a_man_has_3_children_sandy_snowy_and_bricky/
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Why do women get out of jail sooner than men?

Because periods ends sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cven7j/why_do_women_get_out_of_jail_sooner_than_men/
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Why are fence repairmen always single?

You get no love as a reposter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvechz/why_are_fence_repairmen_always_single/
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If the Colts' QB was on your fantasy football roster

You're officially out of Luck this season.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cve8fe/if_the_colts_qb_was_on_your_fantasy_football/
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I'm writing a script about a guy who loses a year of his life every time he jacks off.

It's a coming of age story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cve5j8/im_writing_a_script_about_a_guy_who_loses_a_year/
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Which Country’s capital city has the fastest growing population.

Ireland. Everyday it’s Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cve50b/which_countrys_capital_city_has_the_fastest/
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How do you tell the difference between a guy cow and a girl cow?

Milk them both and the guy cow will smile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cve3gc/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_guy_cow/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvdypw/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play needs a cast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvdvuk/why_do_we_tell_actors_to_break_a_leg/
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A researcher is experimenting on a frog

He says: "Jump!".
The frog jumps, and the man writes down: " The frog with four legs jumps".
He then cuts one of the frog's legs and says: "Jump!".
The frog jumps, and the man writes down: "The frog with three legs jumps".
He then cuts another leg and says: "Jump!".
The frog, with great effort, manages to make a jump. The man writes down: "The frog with two legs jumps".
He then cuts another leg and says: "Jump!".
The frog, mustering all of its strength, manages to make a small jump. The man writes down: "The frog with one leg jumps".
He then cuts the last of the frog's legs and says "Jump!". The frog doesn't move.
"Jump!!!" he repeats, but the poor frog stands still.
The man writes down: "The frog with no legs is deaf".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvdrjc/a_researcher_is_experimenting_on_a_frog/
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Nice to meet you “currently holding a gun to your child’s head and will pull the trigger if you make another dad joke”

I’m dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvdb6h/nice_to_meet_you_currently_holding_a_gun_to_your/
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My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvd8rd/my_wife_is_pregnant_and_my_doctor_asked_me_if_i/
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I understand parents who accidentally leave children in cars.

I mean who really checks their trunk everyday?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvd7p5/i_understand_parents_who_accidentally_leave/
%
A man was walking across a desert with his camel

. It had been close to 10 days since the two had left the last oasis.
In the blazing heat, the man decided to take a sip of water. But noticing that he had only a few ounces of water left, he decided to save it for later.
The blazing heat continued as the two walked. Eventually, the heat re-wired his brain cells and he had a sudden sexual arousal. Horny as he was, he looked around to finish his deed. No human to be seen, his eyes locked onto the camel.
The man then pulled down his pants to insert his rock solid dong into the camel. When he went to insert it, the camel took a step forward. The man went for it again, but the camel took another step forward.
Figuring this isn’t gonna work, the man pulled his pants back up, and the two continued their walk.
A few hours passed, when the two met a lady lying on the sand. The lady was beautiful and had every feature a man would ask for. The man and camel went up to her to see if she was alright.
“Are you ok ma’am?” said the man.
The lady looked up to the man and said “sir, I have been left by my group of people, and I have finished my final drops of water.” Her eyes landed on the man’s water. “Will you please, kind sir, give me some of that water of yours? I will do anything you ask for...”
“Anything?” The man replied with a grin.
“...anything...” the lady said, knowing what was to happen.
The man handed her the bottle and she finished the water in seconds.
“What would you like me to do sir...” She said.
The man pulled down his pants and asked,
“Will you hold down this camel for me?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvd3a0/a_man_was_walking_across_a_desert_with_his_camel/
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The Joker movie was just confirmed to have an R rating.

That's good because without the 'R' it would just be a Joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvd2hq/the_joker_movie_was_just_confirmed_to_have_an_r/
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My Kids are buying me gifts for Father's day,

Hope I can afford it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvd1pz/my_kids_are_buying_me_gifts_for_fathers_day/
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What do you call a fear of over engineered buildings

a complex complex complex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvcv13/what_do_you_call_a_fear_of_over_engineered/
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A lion would never cheat on its wife.

But a Tiger wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvcs5j/a_lion_would_never_cheat_on_its_wife/
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A guy wearing bells on the tip of his shoes walks into a church.

He walks to the priest and and asks to allow him to make a confession.
"But first..." says the priest confused, "...why do you have bells on the tips of your shoes?"
"Well, father, I am walking on the path, and I was thinking about all the little bugs in my way, and in order to not step on them, i'm wearing the bells to let them know I'm coming and for them to run", says the man.
Then, the priest, visibly impressed by the kindness the man shows, invites him in the confessional.
"What are your sins my son?"
"Well father, it was 3 weeks ago, it was hot, and I was alone with my neighbor, and one thing led to another, and me and her have sinned father".
"Oh my son, extramarital sex is a sin, my son, but I have seen the kindness you have, the Lord forgives you", and before the priest leaves, the man stops him and says:
"Wait father, there is more, 2 weeks ago, it was a hot day, and I was with my neighbours mother, and one thing led to another, and we have sinned"
The priest shocked says: "oh, son, that is even worse, but I can't stop thinking about the bells, and your kindness, the Lord forgives you". The priest gets up, but the man stops him again:
"But wait father, last week, it was a hot day, and I was with my neighbours grandmother..."
The priest stops him and says
"Son, I'm thinking about your kindness, and I think it would be better aimed if you moved those bells on your dick".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvcfir/a_guy_wearing_bells_on_the_tip_of_his_shoes_walks/
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A priest, a rabbi and a monk are on a sinking cruise ship.

The rabbi says, "We should save the kids!"
The monk says, "Screw the kids!"
The priest asks the monk, "Do we really have time?"
(Sorry if you heard this before, a friend told me it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvcfav/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_monk_are_on_a_sinking/
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To make extra cash, my professor forces all his students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It’s textbook Economics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvcetd/to_make_extra_cash_my_professor_forces_all_his/
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Never date a tennis player...

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvcb7f/never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
You play League of Legends AND World of Warcraft??

Wow, Lol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvc2m7/you_play_league_of_legends_and_world_of_warcraft/
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How do we know the Apostles drove a Honda?

“When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one accord.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvc0aw/how_do_we_know_the_apostles_drove_a_honda/
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What's the difference between a boner and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvbxr2/whats_the_difference_between_a_boner_and_a_ferrari/
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I didnt do it!

It had been a long day in court & Larry was trying to get George to confess.
Larry: Admit it! You followed her home. Then, as she turned a corner, you stabbed her.
George: i didn't do it. I'm innocent.
Larry: Don't lie to me. Prints of your shoes were found in her garden.
George: I'm telling you i didn't do it! I've never seen her in my life.
Larry: YOU DID DO IT! WE HAVE EVIDENCE! WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE BODY?
George: *Sighs* 2km from Green station, there's are 3 roads.
Not on the 1st road, not on the 2nd road but on the 3rd road, you'll see 3 houses.
Not behind the 1st house, not behind the 2nd house, but behind the 3rd house, you'll see 3 apartment blocks.
Not in the 1st apartment, not in the 2nd apartment, but in the 3rd apartment, are 3 rooms on the 6th room.
Not the 1st room, not the 2nd room but the 3rd room is mine. In it are 3 cupboards.
Not the 1st cupboard, nor the 2nd cupboard but the 3rd cupboard has 3 photographs.
Not the 1st photo, nor the 2nd photo but on the back of the 3rd photo is my mother's name.
AND I SWEAR BY MY MOTHER'S NAME, I DID NOT DO IT!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvbvkf/i_didnt_do_it/
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Why was the internet slow at the Chinese marijuana Farm?

Because it is run with a high Ping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvbu55/why_was_the_internet_slow_at_the_chinese/
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How do you make a one disappear?

Add a G and it’s gone.
Haha I’m so alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvbthv/how_do_you_make_a_one_disappear/
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A couple...

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do, and hence she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quite voice he said,"Do you remember the jewellers we into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and start to cry and said,"yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied,"Well. I am in the pub next door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvbsiz/a_couple/
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How do you know when a Redditor has left a hotel?

Username checks out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvbrfr/how_do_you_know_when_a_redditor_has_left_a_hotel/
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A cowboy walks out of a bar and comes running back in.

He stands up on a table and screams,”Now, who here went outside and painted mah horse bright red!” Nobody answers. This time he takes out his two guns and screams even louder,” Witch scoundrel here painted my horse red!!” Finally, a 6”8 man with a machine gun stands up and says,”I’ve done it. I painted your horse red.” The cowboy looks up at the man and said,” I just wanted to let you know the first coat is dry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvbqj2/a_cowboy_walks_out_of_a_bar_and_comes_running/
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A Chinese journalist is interviewing a riot officer about the protests occurring in his city.

Journalist: Do you find it difficult to follow orders that may harm the people protesting?
Riot Officer: I do, some of these people are my friends and neighbors. When given such a choice, the only thing I can really do is listen to my heart.
Journalist: And what does your heart say?
Riot Officer: Beat, beat, beat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvbmap/a_chinese_journalist_is_interviewing_a_riot/
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Hickory dickory doc, three mice ran up a clock

The clock struck one and the other two came down with minor injuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvblms/hickory_dickory_doc_three_mice_ran_up_a_clock/
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I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.

I was in shambles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvbitl/i_went_to_spain_to_attend_the_running_of_the/
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A gladiator went into the battlefield with his dick out and came back victorious.

Because the penis mightier than the sword.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvbi1p/a_gladiator_went_into_the_battlefield_with_his/
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A tourist in Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing.

While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The tourist, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the tourist returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvbbxu/a_tourist_in_spain_stopped_at_a_local_restaurant/
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Handicap

An American, a German, and an Arab meet in a bar and after a few drinks start bragging about their families.
The American says “one more kid and I have an entire Basketball team.”
Replies the German “ one more kid and I’ve got an entire soccer team.”
The Arab bursts out laughing “one more wife and I got an entire Golf course!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvbbui/handicap/
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In the word Laughter, the letter L comes first…

The rest of the letters come aughter it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvb8ks/in_the_word_laughter_the_letter_l_comes_first/
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Tax? A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into
a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.
"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the blonde,
"I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvb45l/tax_a_blonde_worried_about_the_hiv_crisis/
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After my vasectomy I was telling my wife...

I can take my arm being sore, or even my leg. That's no problem.
But this operation is a whole different ball game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvayb6/after_my_vasectomy_i_was_telling_my_wife/
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Why can’t orphans watch PBS?

It’s all family-friendly programming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvaqxe/why_cant_orphans_watch_pbs/
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Why can't a bicycle stand on it's own?

Cause it's two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvanba/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
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I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When god blesses you, you must bless others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cval98/i_met_a_girl_crying_outside_a_mall/
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How much did you learn in school today?

Not enough, they want me to go back tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvaib8/how_much_did_you_learn_in_school_today/
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I forgot to weed my garden.

The plot thickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvadj1/i_forgot_to_weed_my_garden/
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What did the chef say when he invested all his money into his pasta restaurant?

It was worth every penne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvaddm/what_did_the_chef_say_when_he_invested_all_his/
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You think they'd be grateful at the blood donor clinic.

Not harass me with stupid questions like, "Where did this blood come from."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cvaall/you_think_theyd_be_grateful_at_the_blood_donor/
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What do you call a baby born in a whorehouse?

A brothel Sprout!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cva1jz/what_do_you_call_a_baby_born_in_a_whorehouse/
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e., the illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, step-stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cva0wi/how_many_lawyers_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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I named my son Bob Ross

Because he’s my happy little accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cva0hd/i_named_my_son_bob_ross/
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I hate talking to people until I have had my morning coffee

I don't drink coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv9x39/i_hate_talking_to_people_until_i_have_had_my/
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Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need.

2B or not 2B, that is the question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv9qlv/choosing_pencils_is_impossible_for_me_im_always/
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I met a beautiful girl in bangkok.

I was at that bar in bangkok and saw this beautiful girl. She looked at me with that amazing smile and all i could think of was "dont get a boner, dont get a boner" - but she still got one :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv9pvm/i_met_a_beautiful_girl_in_bangkok/
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What does a ghost take when he has acid reflux?

Phan-tums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv9l1y/what_does_a_ghost_take_when_he_has_acid_reflux/
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How do you call a russian girl who just had orgasm?

So vet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv9kv0/how_do_you_call_a_russian_girl_who_just_had_orgasm/
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv9hbd/a_drunk_staggers_into_a_catholic_church_enters_a/
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Cop pulls me over for speeding

Cop: do you have a police record?
Me: no but i have a sting album
*gets arrested*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv9djj/cop_pulls_me_over_for_speeding/
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there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv98en/there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_trains/
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A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant

He heard there was a fishy business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv95tg/a_detective_recently_came_into_town_to_visit_the/
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A little girl asks her granddad

"Would you make a frog noise for me"
Why, asks the granddad confused.
The little girl replies "Dad says when you croak we are all going to Disneyland"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv95o5/a_little_girl_asks_her_granddad/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv947n/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound russian...

Then Soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8yws/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
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I boiled a funny bone once...

It turned into a laughing stock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8wzj/i_boiled_a_funny_bone_once/
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Why are square roots never sad?

Because they're always positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8wpt/why_are_square_roots_never_sad/
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What is blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8uub/what_is_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8umv/seven_new_york_city_bartenders_were_asked_if_they/
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Two boys

It's a freezing Sunday morning in December and a Nun is  about to enter the back of the church when she sees 2 boys sitting on the back steps, shivering like crazy. She asks:
"Boys? Why are you out here sitting in this freezing weather?"
One of the boys replies:
"Because the Priest says he likes a "couple of cold ones" before mass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8u14/two_boys/
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Periods.

Alot of ovary reacting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8qk7/periods/
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What are friends at a mental hospital called?

Suicide squad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8pqc/what_are_friends_at_a_mental_hospital_called/
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50000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes are not stupid" convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes start cheering, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8p4s/50000_blondes_met_in_a_center_for_the_first_ever/
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What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8n3f/what_do_you_call_a_kid_who_doesnt_believe_in_santa/
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For her birthday, I gave my girlfriend a sweater and a dildo.

I figure if she doesn't like the sweater, she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8mvt/for_her_birthday_i_gave_my_girlfriend_a_sweater/
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What do you call a boomerang made of teeth?

I don't remember the punchline and it's probably gonna come back to bite me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8l85/what_do_you_call_a_boomerang_made_of_teeth/
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In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips

. He tends to be away for a couple of weeks at a time, so he was always worried about his wife cheating on him. The man headed over to his local sex shop to see what he can find.
The shop was small, a little old, much like the man who ran the shop. The old man asked him what he was looking for, and the businessman explained his predicament. "Hmm," said the old man, "we have dildos, vibrators, attatchments, everything you could think of. But I don't think we have anything that could keep her entertained that long... except... no, no, nevermind..." The businessman begs him to show him what he meant, and the old man pulls out an ornately carved wooden box. But when he opens it, it just looks like any other dildo. Which the businessman says to him. The old man smiles and says, "ah, but watch this! Voodoo dick, the door." Suddenly, the dildo rose from its box, hovered over to the door, and began to screw the keyhole. It wasn't until the wood started to crack that the old man said, "Voodoo dick, back to your box!" The businessman, excited, asked him how much it would cost; at first, he didn't want to sell, but several hundred dollars ended up changing his tune.
When it came time for the businessman to leave for another trip, he gave his wife the dildo, telling her that if she ever felt lonely while he was gone, simply say "voodoo dick, my pussy." Now, after a few days, feeling horny and a little foolish, she wife opens the box and says, "voodoo dick, my pussy." The dildo rises from his box and sets straight to work. After a few of the best orgasms of her life, she decides she's done and goes to pull the dilso out of her. It doesn't budge no matter how hard she tries. He forgot to tell her how to turn it off. Panicked, the wife throws on a skirt and drives off to the hospital, but has another orgasm on the way, nearly swerving off the road. To her horror, she sees police light in her rear view, and pulls over.
Seeing the woman's disheveled state, the officer says, "how much have you had to drink, ma'am?" She says, "You don't understand, officer, haven't drank anything! There's a voodoo dick stuck inside me and it won't stop screwing!!"
"Yeah right," says the cop, "voodoo dick, my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8ige/in_the_days_before_cell_phones_a_businessman/
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A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."
"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.
The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document that looks to be at least 100 pages. He slides it to the bartender.
"This is a legal contract that covers all the questions usually asked of me whenever I walk into a bar. I've just finished a pretty rough case and would like to get to drinking as soon as possible, so if we could skip over the usual jokes and just get through this without delay I'd be much obliged."
The bartender looks at the lobster carefully, but soon nods in agreement.
"Fair enough, mate," he says. "Let's work through this."
The bartender flips over the cover page and starts reading aloud.
"'Point 1: I am a lobster of legal drinking age and you'll find in Annex A a copy of my legally acceptable identification.' Well, okay, no problems there.
"'Point 2: You can serve me more than water and are absolved of any misfortune that befalls me while drinking at your establishment.' What's your favourite drink?"
"Vermouth, usually," says The Lobster, "but I'm hoping for a few stiff glasses of whiskey tonight."
"Okay," the bartender continues reading, "'Point 3: We've established I am a lawyer, and therefore reasonably wealthy. This should assuage any fears you might have about my capability to settle my tab, but I am happy to pay up front if you have any concerns.'"
The Lobster slaps a crisp $50 bill onto the bar.
"Well alright then," says the bartender.
"There's just one more point to read and agree to," says The Lobster.
The bartender raises an eyebrow, seeing that he's still on page one and there are a considerable amount of pages left to read, and quickly flips through a number of the pages to confirm that there is, in fact, writing on every page.
"Look," he says, "before I read the rest, I have to ask: why the large clause?"
The Lobster gives a little sigh.
"Dunno," he says. "I'm a lobster. I guess I've always had them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8faw/a_lobster_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call school for nuts?

Macademia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8f52/what_do_you_call_school_for_nuts/
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When can a man and a woman have the same last name?

Teenagers: brother and sister
Adults: husband and wife
Alabama: yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv8eqa/when_can_a_man_and_a_woman_have_the_same_last_name/
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I may have Alzheimer’s disease

... but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s disease!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv83r8/i_may_have_alzheimers_disease/
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A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant. "Which Barbie? responds the worker.

"We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"
"That's obvious!" the assistant states. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv80lx/a_man_walks_into_a_store_to_buy_a_barbie_doll_for/
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What else do you have when life gives you melons?

Dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv7zjf/what_else_do_you_have_when_life_gives_you_melons/
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Lipstick

Apparently Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too  easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she said "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv7opu/lipstick/
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Two Italian men while having drinks in a bar

One says, "E Flavio, do you like big girls who thomp thomp every time she walk?"
Flavio, "no Giuseppe"
Giuseppe, "how about one with a moustache, beard and hair all over the chest you can grab onto?"
"No Giuseppe, i don't like"
Giuseppe, "how about a woman who has a voice deeper than Pavarotti and every time she opens her mouth, it smell like a shit"
"No Giuseppe, no"
"How about one whose pussy look like a rotten bear cave that is hanging like sleeve of a wizard?"
"No Giuseppe"
"Then why you fuck my wife?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv7lrj/two_italian_men_while_having_drinks_in_a_bar/
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I was brought up in the wild by a pack of hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce, but we had some great laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv7jj9/i_was_brought_up_in_the_wild_by_a_pack_of_hyenas/
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If a person can speak two languages they’re bilingual, if they can only speak one...

They’re from the US

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv7gma/if_a_person_can_speak_two_languages_theyre/
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2 Cowboys are stranded in the desert.

They keep pushing on and on until they see a tree.
#
This tree in particular looked like a bacon tree.
#
“We’re saved” exclaimed the cowboys.
#
They rushed towards the tree and where quickly shot down.
#
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
#
#
I was not aware that this was a repost, if you want this deleted just say, I apologise for reposting without realising it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv7e18/2_cowboys_are_stranded_in_the_desert/
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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table, so he went to Merlin for some advice...

The good wizard showed him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt...except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen!?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin.
He then selected his most worn-out wand and inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came out and cut the stick neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said King Arthur.
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed before he returned to Camelot.
Upon arrival, he immediately assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a 'little' inspection.
Sure enough, each of them had an amputated little Johnny or was damaged in some way.
All except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad!" exclaimed King Arthur. "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahad...
...was speechless..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv720c/king_arthur_was_preparing_to_go_out_on_an/
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What is a pirate's favourite number?

6.63x10^-34
I hope this isn't a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv7192/what_is_a_pirates_favourite_number/
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I thought I had a good joke about a contagious disease but I was wrong.

It didn't go viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv6xip/i_thought_i_had_a_good_joke_about_a_contagious/
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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blow job would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a cock to suck at this time of night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv6vzp/told_my_wife_i_was_so_stressed_that_only_a_blow/
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What is a lion’s favourite cheese?

Roarquefort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv6v5m/what_is_a_lions_favourite_cheese/
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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”
“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.”
“But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.”
“Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.”
“But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.”
“Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-”
“But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.”
The priest falls silent.
“And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…”
The priest still did not answer.
“And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well…”
The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth – only to find the priest up on the belfry.
“Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!”
“Back off, I’m not coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the Church's fucking empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv6n5b/a_priest_is_sitting_inside_the_church_when_a_guy/
%
You ever tried North Korean Food?

Neither have the North Koreans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv6lxj/you_ever_tried_north_korean_food/
%
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar

Schrödinger's cat doesn't walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv6l7m/schrödingers_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced it with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv6fae/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
Doctor : Your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's

Husband : Doc! Is there anything I can do!!
Doctor : Drive her 2 miles from home and drop her off, if she comes back, don't fuck her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv6bnd/doctor_your_wife_has_either_aids_or_alzheimers/
%
What did the autocannibal do when the cops showed up and put him at gunpoint?

He threw up his hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv67zy/what_did_the_autocannibal_do_when_the_cops_showed/
%
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and one’s a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv671v/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
I think JFK was the most open minded president.

His ideas weren't very bulletproof though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv63rn/i_think_jfk_was_the_most_open_minded_president/
%
A old man's children visit him at the same time by car.

His children are parking their vehicles.
The man has parkinsons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv5wz3/a_old_mans_children_visit_him_at_the_same_time_by/
%
Alternative nursery rhymes

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv5w4q/alternative_nursery_rhymes/
%
I went to a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?"

"It was very nice. My compliments to the gardener."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv5u9a/i_went_to_a_vegetarian_restaurant_and_the_waiter/
%
If you don't succeed in the first try,

then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv5t3n/if_you_dont_succeed_in_the_first_try/
%
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can’t run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv5qyp/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?

It’s soda termined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv5mo7/why_does_pepsi_always_achieve_its_goals/
%
Just found out the name “Niamh” is pronounced “Neve”.

I still find it hard to beliamh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv5jj7/just_found_out_the_name_niamh_is_pronounced_neve/
%
If what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...

Then why do I still have chlamydia?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv5gie/if_what_happens_in_vegas_stays_in_vegas/
%
Whats grey and comes in buckets?

Elephants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv580y/whats_grey_and_comes_in_buckets/
%
Brazil might as well legalize weed.

They’re smoking enough trees as it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv57mf/brazil_might_as_well_legalize_weed/
%
What do you do with a dead chemist?

You barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv567y/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
%
A man goes to a cabin in the woods to get away for a while...

He hears a knock on the door after just barely unloading. A burly bearded man was outside.
Neighbor: Just wanted to welcome you to the woods and invite you over for a drink later.
City guy: Sure sounds great
Neighbor: There will be a lot of music
City guy: Sounds like fun
Neighbor: There’s going to be a lot of sex!
The man can’t believe his luck! He wonders which gorgeous babe was awaiting him.
City guy knocks on his neighbor’s door
Neighbor: Come on in!
City Guy: Where’s everyone!
Neighbor: I didn’t invite anyone except you!
Door locks behind...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv565k/a_man_goes_to_a_cabin_in_the_woods_to_get_away/
%
My disabled friend hates Disney movies.

He can't stand Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv4vvm/my_disabled_friend_hates_disney_movies/
%
Three freshmen meet for the first time in a college dorm....

and introduce themselves, mostly trying to impress one another.
The first one says, "My family has been in America for more than 200 years. My father is C.E.O of the biggest bank in New York and he gave me a BMW to drive around the campus."
The second one says, "That's nice."
The third one says, "My father is one of the biggest donors to this school. He gave so much money that the building where they teach mathematics is named after me."
The second one says, "That's nice."
Then the two rich kids ask the second guy what his father gave him.
"We didn't have a lot of money but he gave me some very good advice", the second kid says. "He always told me to say 'That's nice' instead of 'Go fuck yourself'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv4uyt/three_freshmen_meet_for_the_first_time_in_a/
%
A girl a priest and a dog....

A little girl is walking her dog, when a priest comes along and says,
"Hello, little girl. What's your name?"
She says, "Rosepetal."
He says, "That's a nice name."
She says, "Yeah. When I was a little baby a
rose petal fell on my head and my daddy
called me Rosepetal ever since."
The priest says, "That's so nice. Is this your doggy?"
She says, "Yeah."
The priest says, "What's his name?"
She says, "Porky."
He says, "Oh, I guess he likes to eat pork."
She says, "No. He likes to fuck pigs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv4uqu/a_girl_a_priest_and_a_dog/
%
Did you all hear the joke about the premature baby?

Never mind, it’s too soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv4p81/did_you_all_hear_the_joke_about_the_premature_baby/
%
My wife has NO sense of humor

I still thought "hi 'Drowning', I'm Dad!" was hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv44mq/my_wife_has_no_sense_of_humor/
%
What state has the smallest drinks

Mini-soda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv40qk/what_state_has_the_smallest_drinks/
%
Amazon joke

What do you call two monkeys who share a Prime account?
Primates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv3suc/amazon_joke/
%
They say comedy is tragedy plus time.

I guess that means when I turn 40, I should be pretty goddamn funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv3r3e/they_say_comedy_is_tragedy_plus_time/
%
I've got a kid

in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv3kzg/ive_got_a_kid/
%
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

The second hand store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv3kt1/where_did_captain_hook_buy_his_hook/
%
Why is Orion's Belt the best part of the constellation?

Because anything else would be more than a waist of space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv3k1a/why_is_orions_belt_the_best_part_of_the/
%
Say what you will about Jeffrey Epstein,

he always drove slower than the speed limit around schools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv3j37/say_what_you_will_about_jeffrey_epstein/
%
My friend is an archaeologist and found a used tampon during one of his digs

He doesn’t know what period it’s from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv3b9u/my_friend_is_an_archaeologist_and_found_a_used/
%
Lars, Sven and Ole were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and neighbors are mourning you, what would you like them to say?”

Lars said, “I vould like dem to say dat I vas a vonderful husband, a fine spirtual leader, and a gut family man.”
. Sven said, “I vould like dem to say I vas a vonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in da lives of people.”
. Ole said, “I vould like dem to say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv38ja/lars_sven_and_ole_were_asked_when_youre_in_your/
%
The banker offered me a great complement when I went in to see him.

He said my accounts all have outstanding balances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv387z/the_banker_offered_me_a_great_complement_when_i/
%
Do you know what happened to the Ozone layer?

[depleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv37lp/do_you_know_what_happened_to_the_ozone_layer/
%
You should NEVER pretend to be something you’re not.

Except for sober.  Sometimes you gotta pretend to be sober.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv35jd/you_should_never_pretend_to_be_something_youre_not/
%
James Charles, Justin Bieber, and bill gates were stranded on an island 100 miles away from shore and one by one they tried to swim off the island

First bill gates swam out 15 miles but then got tired and drowned. Next James Charles swam out 25 miles but got tired and drowned. Finally Justin Bieber swam out 50 miles and got tired and swam all the way back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv324w/james_charles_justin_bieber_and_bill_gates_were/
%
Two bumblebees are flying along together

One of them sees the other, and notices that they’re wearing a yarmulke.
The bee asks, “Why are you wearing of of those?”
“This? I just don’t want anyone thinking I’m a wasp.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv31u6/two_bumblebees_are_flying_along_together/
%
Retirement Plan

Working people frequently ask retired people, "What you do to make  your days
interesting ~"
Well, this was what I heard from a 60+ Senior Citizen & he said this about using time Productively...
"The other day, my wife & I went into town & went into a shop.  We were only in there for about 5 minutes.  When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him & I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break ?'  He ignored us & continued writing the ticket.  I called him a "Dumb ass."
He glared at me & started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a "Shit head."
He finished the 2nd ticket & put it on the windshield with the first. Then, he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then, our bus arrived & we got on it & went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're  retired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv2zqt/retirement_plan/
%
What do you call a creamy hobbit?

Alfrodo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv2vjp/what_do_you_call_a_creamy_hobbit/
%
Why did the herbalist get a second job?

He had too much thyme on his hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv2qqf/why_did_the_herbalist_get_a_second_job/
%
What’s the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv2q2c/whats_the_opposite_of_irony/
%
They say dress for the job you want not the one you have...

Now I’m in line at the unemployment office dressed as boba fett...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv2eyf/they_say_dress_for_the_job_you_want_not_the_one/
%
Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

And one clown says to the other: "I think we're in the wrong joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv2d0l/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
%
Today I found out I’m part Jewish and part German

Maybe that’s why I hate myself so much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv2cvt/today_i_found_out_im_part_jewish_and_part_german/
%
What do you call a well planned microwave?

A tactical nuke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv2cni/what_do_you_call_a_well_planned_microwave/
%
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news

Me: well what's the bad news?
Doctor: you have a rare terminal illness
Me: what's it called?
Doctor: there's the good news. You get to pick the name!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv2386/doctor_i_have_some_good_news_and_some_bad_news/
%
A boy goes to his father and asks, "what is the difference between practical and theoretical?"

The father replies, "go ask your mother whether she would sleep with a strange man for $500,000."
The  boy goes to his mother and asks the question. Mom says that she would, because it's such a large amount of money.
Boy goes tell his father. Father tells the boy to ask his sister the same question. Sister says the same.
Father asks the boy, "would you sleep with a man for $500,000?" Reluctantly, the boy says yes.
"Well now you see. In theory we could have $500,000, but in practice we have two whores and one homo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv216j/a_boy_goes_to_his_father_and_asks_what_is_the/
%
Hillary Clinton could've been the first f president.

Sorry, I meant to write female but the emale got deleted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv1v7i/hillary_clinton_couldve_been_the_first_f_president/
%
What does Harry Styles call his boner?

Wonder Erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv1u9r/what_does_harry_styles_call_his_boner/
%
I don’t understand people who tell me to act my age.

I already am my age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv1sel/i_dont_understand_people_who_tell_me_to_act_my_age/
%
My daughter keeps making rash decisions.

As a dermatologist, it's all in a day's work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv1s67/my_daughter_keeps_making_rash_decisions/
%
Today I had an out of body experience

I was beside myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv1p2j/today_i_had_an_out_of_body_experience/
%
What do wearing Crocs and getting your dick sucked by another man have in common?

Both feel good until you look down and realize you’re gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv1n0g/what_do_wearing_crocs_and_getting_your_dick/
%
"I think Karen has dyslexia."

"Why do you say that?"
"We put a nativity scene in town square, and she demanded to see the manger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv1fg1/i_think_karen_has_dyslexia/
%
I asked my sister in law (she's a nurse) why she always carries a red pen with her.

She tells me...
Oh it's in case I have to draw blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv1b1g/i_asked_my_sister_in_law_shes_a_nurse_why_she/
%
A gay deer walks into bar

And he walks out 2 hours later and says ‘Man I can’t believe I just blew 50 bucks!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv189z/a_gay_deer_walks_into_bar/
%
Today, I held a door open for a Clown.

It was a nice Jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv15n6/today_i_held_a_door_open_for_a_clown/
%
NSFW my dick might not be 12 inches

But it smells like a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv14j9/nsfw_my_dick_might_not_be_12_inches/
%
I lost my job at the bank.

An elderly woman asked me to check her balance. Turns out it wasn't that good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv10oj/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank/
%
i didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

but when i got home, all the signs where there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv0yy2/i_didnt_want_to_believe_my_dad_was_stealing_from/
%
What do witch doctors write their letters in?

Cursive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv0vr1/what_do_witch_doctors_write_their_letters_in/
%
What’s difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy?

The refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv0qdk/whats_difference_between_a_refrigerator_and_a_gay/
%
I wonder how many chameleons....

snuck onto the Ark?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv0p0h/i_wonder_how_many_chameleons/
%
When I was a kid, we had a dog named Karen.

One day she disappeared and i never saw her again. My parents told me she ran away.
When I grew up, I realized that was bullshit, 'cause she would have taken me with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv0mis/when_i_was_a_kid_we_had_a_dog_named_karen/
%
Two very active seniors

(Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob says, "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
The Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
sorry if this is a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv0mg0/two_very_active_seniors/
%
Two brothers are arguing when their mother enters the room.

The mother says, ‘Why are you two arguing?’ One son answers, ‘We found a £10 and decided that whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.’
‘You should be ashamed of yourselves,’ says the mother. ‘When I was your ages I didn’t even know what a lie was.’ The boys look at eachother and reluctantly hand the £10 note to their mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv0m2n/two_brothers_are_arguing_when_their_mother_enters/
%
I like my women like I like my tools

Locked in my shed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv0ktt/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_tools/
%
When is a door not a door

When it’s a jar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv0kfo/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
%
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk.

But I never got the chants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv0k1v/i_always_wanted_to_be_a_gregorian_monk/
%
Michael Jackson and his wife didn’t get “his” and “hers” towels.

Nope. Instead, they got “she” and “HEE HEE HEEEE”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv0gvz/michael_jackson_and_his_wife_didnt_get_his_and/
%
An old farmer

wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:
"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would have helped me."
The innocent son replied: "You idiot, don't dig that ground, I've hidden the guns there."
The police read the letter, and the next day they dug the ground up looking for the guns. Of course, they found nothing at all.
A few days latter the farmer's son wrote his dad again: "You can plant your potatoes now dad, this was the best I could do from here..."
See, sometimes you can help even when you are not there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv0fty/an_old_farmer/
%
What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv0cmi/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
Tomorrow, I am finally fulfilling my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person, and I’ve no idea what I’ll do when I finally see it.

I think I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv092d/tomorrow_i_am_finally_fulfilling_my_lifelong/
%
My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals

She said: "I've always wanted to get a manatee."
I said: "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cv06z7/my_wife_and_i_were_discussing_people_owning_weird/
%
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door..

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”
“Well, tell me!” the man said.
The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: “Give me the bad news first.”
So the policeman said: “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”
“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her.”
“If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said: “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuzzbg/the_day_after_a_man_lost_his_wife_in_a_scuba/
%
My brother keeps saying that my friend Rick is 2 meters tall, but I KNOW he's closer to 6 feet.

He doesn't think I've metric.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuzy45/my_brother_keeps_saying_that_my_friend_rick_is_2/
%
Did Jesus die a virgin?

Cuz I herd he got nailed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuzxeu/did_jesus_die_a_virgin/
%
The Dwayne Johnson Rule.

I met a feminist in the bar, and she told me about the Dwayne Johnson rule. I should only say things to her that I would be comfortable saying to Dwayne Johnson.
That sounded like a good rule, so I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuzp3p/the_dwayne_johnson_rule/
%
Do you know what the definition of a will is?

Oh come on it’s a dead giveaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuznuf/do_you_know_what_the_definition_of_a_will_is/
%
What happens when you give a politician viagra?

He gets taller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuzmam/what_happens_when_you_give_a_politician_viagra/
%
What happens when you take too long to eat a Now or Later?

It becomes an hour later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuzlpc/what_happens_when_you_take_too_long_to_eat_a_now/
%
When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuzey9/when_is_a_car_not_a_car/
%
What do sad people drink when they want to get wasted?

A Despairados.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuzemy/what_do_sad_people_drink_when_they_want_to_get/
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Marriage is like a game of poker

At first you have two hearts and a diamond
By the end all you want is a club and spade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuyyke/marriage_is_like_a_game_of_poker/
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What do panties and nail polish have in common?

Both come off with alcohol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuyvsx/what_do_panties_and_nail_polish_have_in_common/
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What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?

Billie jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuyuu6/what_did_michael_jackson_name_his_denim_store/
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How many people have died in the Amazon rainforest fire?

About a brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuytmy/how_many_people_have_died_in_the_amazon/
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My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her...

instead, I swam to the surface.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuytf5/my_last_relationship_ended_because_i_didnt_open/
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What Do You Call Two Octopi That Looked The Exact Same

Itenticle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuyoox/what_do_you_call_two_octopi_that_looked_the_exact/
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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuyihn/my_wife_asked_if_she_could_have_a_little_peace/
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The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.
The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He studies hard, gets into a prestigious school and becomes a stock broker. He has an inherent gift for the work and wealth comes easily. Before long, he is living in the lap of luxury. Of course he remembers to do good work in his community as well, but try as he might, there is only so much he can change. He still feels like something is missing. Now a middle aged man, he decides to ask someone else about the meaning of life.
The next person he asks is a hedonist. "That's easy," he says. "Life is rich in all kinds of personal pleasures. Sample each one, indulge all your senses!" The middle aged man takes this advice to heart. Using his vast fortune, he is able to travel the world. He eats the rarest delicacies, makes love to the most beautiful women. He tries all manner of exotic substances in order to expand his mind. But soon enough, his fortune is gone, and despite the many unique experiences he has had, he still finds something missing.
Now an old man, he decides to ask one more time. The next person he meets is a preacher, who says, "that's easy. Dedicate the remainder of your life to communion with God." So the old man joins a church and repents his sins. His days are spent in prayer and meditation. However, he is bothered by the many differences in the religions of the world. The way they all claim to be right strikes him as arrogant and overbearing, and sure enough, he still feels like something is missing inside him.
One day he takes a long walk on the beach and spots a monk going through some sort of martial arts exercise. His kicks and punches flow like water and the expression of peace on his face is sublime. So once again, he gathers his courage and asks; "Excuse me, sir, do you know the meaning of life?"
"That's easy," says the monk. "You must first master and then let go of the self. On the highest mountain in Tibet there is a monastery. There you will find the wisest men on Earth, who have spent many decades devoted to this path. Go learn from them."
As always, the old man takes this advice to heart. He sells what's left of his things, buys some mountain climbing supplies, and ascends the mountain. He is exhausted but there is indeed a beautiful temple before him! When he walks through the door, there are masters in flowing robes sitting on the floor, each with a line of disciples before them. Each master is teaching a complex martial art technique meant not only to help combat a strong opponent, but to strengthen one's own body and mind.
The old man gets in the first line, but they are teaching a throw which would be too hard on his back.
The old man gets in the second line, but they are teaching a spinning kick. He lacks the dexterity for this.
The old man gets in the third line, but they are teaching a precise counterattack, and his reflexes have dulled with age.
Soon enough he realizes that he must start with the most basic training these sages can offer, so he tracks down a disciple that doesn't look particularly busy and says; "excuse me, sir? I came here looking for the meaning of life but I am terribly lost. I need an easy technique to get me started. Could you please help me find the punch line?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuydpm/the_meaning_of_life/
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What kind of book authors should never kill off any of their characters for drama?

Biographers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuy8pt/what_kind_of_book_authors_should_never_kill_off/
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A Dad accidentally walks in on his 18 year old daughter engaging in coitus with her boyfriend.

His daughter says:
"Dad!  I'm Sorry..."
Dad replies "Hi Sorry!" before turning to the boy and asking "Are you fucking Sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuy62x/a_dad_accidentally_walks_in_on_his_18_year_old/
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A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.
"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon.I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony on the way."
They had been driving for a couple of minutes when the recruit saw glowing buildings far away.
"Why are the buildings shining like that?", he asked.
"Didn't they brief you about the colony?", the driver asked "We don't call it Anti-Earth just because, it's literally the opposite of Earth. Any element rare on Earth is as common as carbon(C) here, and interestingly carbon(C) doesn't occur naturally here. So we had to make good of what we had, the buildings are made of rare metals like radium(Ra) which glow in the dark."
After half an hour they arrived at what seemed the main highway, the road had a faint bluish glow and the sides were lined with metallic posts shining faintly in the double moonlight. They stopped near a small dilapidated shack with the words "COMMUNICATION OFFICE" crudely etched on the walls.
"This is your office. You are supposed to handle communications for the colony," the driver said. "We can't use any wireless communication as the high amount of radioactive gases in the atmosphere interferes with the signal, so we have to use a type of telegraph instead. Come on, I'll show you our most important resource."
They walked a bit till they reached a plantation full of bizarre trees. Some were made of precious metals, some of common earth metals and some of them were glowing radioactively.
"This is the plantation for building the posts. We brought these seeds from Earth and planted them, apparently as they couldn't get the conventional elements they just used what the soil contained. We just sell the gold(Au), silver(Ag) and platinum(Pt) trees to Earth, the iron(Fe) and aluminium(Al) are used for constructing equipment and there are some pretty rare elements like uranium(U) and astatine(At) (which is the rarest element on Earth) which are used for scientific research. However, these aren't what we are here for."
The driver motioned him to follow him towards a small area of trees with a silvery sheen to them.
"These are made of rhenium(Re) one of the densest elements with one of the highest melting and boiling points. It is strong enough to withstand the toxic atmosphere and radioactivity of this planet. So we use it to make the telegraph posts. As you may have noticed we have lined almost the whole road with telegraph lines."
"You don't mean...", the recruit began.
"Yes," the driver cut him off,"this place is full of (Re)posts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuxxgm/a_man_was_recruited_for_a_space_colony/
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What did one eye say to the other eye?

Between us, something smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuxps7/what_did_one_eye_say_to_the_other_eye/
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I’m trying to bring more attention to dried grapes

I’m raisin awareness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuxnhp/im_trying_to_bring_more_attention_to_dried_grapes/
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"911, what's your emergency?"

"I just came home to find a body in a puddle of blood in the street in front of my house!"
"Is it moving?"
"Yes, it's quite an emotional scene."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuxlp2/911_whats_your_emergency/
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What's the sickest bird in the world?

A Phlegmingo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuxcvl/whats_the_sickest_bird_in_the_world/
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What is the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in shower?

One has a soul full of hope, another has a hole full of soap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuwo2l/what_is_the_difference_between_a_girl_in_a_church/
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One time I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall... I thought to myself

that’s a little condescending!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuwjnt/one_time_i_saw_a_midget_climbing_down_a_prison/
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A girl with 12 boobs sounds weird.

dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuwe75/a_girl_with_12_boobs_sounds_weird/
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How do you kill a circus ?

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuwbte/how_do_you_kill_a_circus/
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I bought a book about tiny doorways

I couldn’t get into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuwbsj/i_bought_a_book_about_tiny_doorways/
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It was my first time helping someone shoot a porno..

Man, it was really hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuw76c/it_was_my_first_time_helping_someone_shoot_a_porno/
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My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.

Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuw627/my_son_luke_loves_that_we_chose_star_wars/
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3 tomatoes are walking down the street

Papa tomato, Mama tomato and Baby tomato. As the three of them walk, Papa tomato notices that Baby tomato can't keep up with the pace of his parents. So he turns around, walks over to him and says, "Ketchup."
From pulp fiction. Literally just saw the part in which this joke being told and had to share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuw4m7/3_tomatoes_are_walking_down_the_street/
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I'm a vampire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuvxj5/my_wife_really_is_the_sunshine_of_my_life/
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A Man walks into a bar and asks the barkeep, "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a miniature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a frog and sets the frog at the piano.
Low and behold the frog cracks his little fingers and starts to play!
The barkeep is just blown away by this and agrees that the man can drink for free for the rest of the night. Meanwhile, there is a wealthy businessman watching this unfold from a corner, so he gets up and approaches the man sensing a business opportunity. He says "Excuse me, but I saw your frog and I was wondering if he was for sale?"
The man replies "Sorry the frog is not for sale" and continues sipping his drink.
The businessman offers $10,000 for the frog, which the man again politely declines, followed by offers for $20,000 and $30,000. Until the businessman finally gives up and goes back to his seat.
The man finishes his drink and asks the barkeep "Hey, if I can show you something else even more amazing, would you let me drink here for free any day?" The barkeep thinking he has seen everything now readily agrees, what could be more amazing than a playing frog?
The man reaches into another pocket and brings out a mouse and puts him on top of the piano. A few seconds later the mouse starts to sing along with the frog's playing! The barkeep is absolutely floored by this and again agrees to honor his deal.
The businessman also sees this and again approaches the man, he offers $100,000 for the frog and the mouse, which the man again declines. The businessman in a final effort says "OK, what about $100,000 just for the mouse?"
The man takes a sip of his drink and says "Just for the mouse? Yeah OK" so the businessman cuts him a check right there, and takes the mouse and leaves.
The barkeep says to the man "Are you crazy!?" A mouse like that has got to be worth 10x that much! What were you thinking?"
The man calmly sips his drink and replies with a wry smile "The jokes on him, the frog is a ventriloquist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuvugq/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_barkeep_if_i/
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What did Paprika say when Coriander knocked on his door?

Cumin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuvriv/what_did_paprika_say_when_coriander_knocked_on/
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What does a cat with a lisp catch?

A mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuvnd8/what_does_a_cat_with_a_lisp_catch/
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Before my job interview I shat my pants.

Which was strange because I don't remember eating them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuvkuf/before_my_job_interview_i_shat_my_pants/
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Where Do Boats Go When They Are Sick

The Doc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuvbjh/where_do_boats_go_when_they_are_sick/
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A boyfriend comes over to ask for approval to marry their daughter.

The father is very skeptical and asks "Son, how much do you make a month? Is it enough to support my beautiful daughter?" The boyfriend shyly replies, "well sir... it's about $300 a month." The father is furious at this offer, "300??? That's not even enough to cover toilet paper! You absolutely cannot marry my daughter!" The boyfriend is taken aback and shouts "Okay! I didnt even want to marry her anyway!"
The boyfriend storms over to tell the girlfriend the news. "I'm sorry I just can't marry you." She is obviously upset and asks. "Why?!? What is the reason?". He replies, "Well your dad said you shit all the time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuv8zq/a_boyfriend_comes_over_to_ask_for_approval_to/
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Two friends, Bob and Sam, are bored are sitting around the house. Bob asks Sam do you want to play a game?

**NOTE:  This joke only really works in person and told to a group of people. **
Sam says "Ok, what's the game?"
Bob replies, "I'll blind fold you and put something up your butt and you have to guess what it is."
Sam hesitantly says, "umm ok" and puts a blind fold on and drops his pants.
Bob goes to the kitchen and gets a cucumber and puts it in Sam's butt.
Immediately Sam exclaims "A cucumber!".
Bob replies "You've played this game before, havent you?!?"
Sam says "No, never played this"
Bob then goes back to the kitchen and grabs a carrot and come back to Sam and puts it in his butt.
Sam again correctly answers and says "That's a carrot!"
Bob then retorts "You have played this game before, I know it"
Sam say "Nope never"
** This part is why it requires a group and can only be told in person **
You will say  "Then Bob goes to the bathroom and grabs the..  umm..  umm..."  **acting like you forgot the name of a plunger but making the hand gesture of it**
Someone in the group you are saying this joke to will say "A plunger".
You will look at that person who said a plunger and ask him "You've played this game before havent you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuv62x/two_friends_bob_and_sam_are_bored_are_sitting/
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What goes: Clop Clop Clop Bang Bang Bang Clop Clop Clop?

An Amish drive by shooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuv1pd/what_goes_clop_clop_clop_bang_bang_bang_clop_clop/
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I’ve been looking for a car wash that does a thorough job cleaning wheels,

But whenever I google “Best Rimjob” I get sleepy and take a nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuv0tt/ive_been_looking_for_a_car_wash_that_does_a/
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An elderly woman told me "You get more flies with honey than with vinegar.", Because I was being a little too rude...

I told her "You get more flies with shit than with honey, so go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuv0km/an_elderly_woman_told_me_you_get_more_flies_with/
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The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Trump

However, the stamp wasn't sticking to the envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a detailed enquiry into the matter
After weeks of testing and $ 1 million in Congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings
"The stamp is in perfect order.
There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
It's just that, people are spitting on the wrong side"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuuv3k/the_us_postal_service_created_a_stamp_with_a/
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Movie tickets

So... I went to the movies last night. I ended up having to buy 6 tickets because there was this idiot inside who kept tearing them up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuuuvm/movie_tickets/
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What do Olive Oil and I have in common?

extra-virgin...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuutzs/what_do_olive_oil_and_i_have_in_common/
%
Did you hear about the hipster that drowned?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuutde/did_you_hear_about_the_hipster_that_drowned/
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Cat died

One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him. “Daddy, the cat died today!” “Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.” “But why are his arms and legs up in the air?” “Well, darling, that’s just something they do.”   She takes the death fairly well and doesn’t mention it until a few days later. When the dad comes home, she runs up to him. “Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!” “What are you talking about?” “I came downstairs and I heard her screaming ’Oh Jesus, take me, take me!’ And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn’t been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuur8m/cat_died/
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Three women in a bar

So, there were three women sitting in a bar and were have a grand old chat.
A man was sitting not too far away and was quite intrigued by their accent and couldn't quite place it.
He walks up to them and says "Excuse me ladies, are you women from England".
One of the ladies seemed quite disgusted by the question and responds "Excuse me asshole but it's Wales".
The man responds, "I apologize but are you three whales from England"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuunhr/three_women_in_a_bar/
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I just can't focus on one dick it's so hard

Having gay DD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuumnk/i_just_cant_focus_on_one_dick_its_so_hard/
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I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.

She still isn´t talking to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuumd1/i_accidentally_handed_my_wife_a_glue_stick/
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Why is “Walden” such a good read?

Because the author is very Thoreau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuujxq/why_is_walden_such_a_good_read/
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I remember in middle school there was a kid who tried to pay me to be his friend..

.. and I felt really bad for him because he just didn’t have enough money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuuivh/i_remember_in_middle_school_there_was_a_kid_who/
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Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuugrt/why_is_girlfriend_one_word_but_best_friend_is_two/
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"My biggest worry is that nobody will remember my name when I am gone."

~~ Some Dead Guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuuecr/my_biggest_worry_is_that_nobody_will_remember_my/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
To
To who?
To whom*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuudsj/knock_knock/
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If being sexy is a crime...

Then I’m a law abiding citizen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuucaa/if_being_sexy_is_a_crime/
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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuubcs/an_american_soldier_serving_in_world_war_ii_had/
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It’s the night of a couples 70th wedding anniversary

The wife wants to do something special for the husband. She says “I’ll be right back” and runs into the bathroom, strips down, and puts a cape on. She come out of the room and says “super pussy!” The husband responds, “ill have the soup”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuu6t4/its_the_night_of_a_couples_70th_wedding/
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Japan has been hit by another tsunami. Tokyo is now covered in fish and seaweed

One newspaper described the situation as delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuu6bl/japan_has_been_hit_by_another_tsunami_tokyo_is/
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Why are fish harder to catch in the middle of the day?

They are in schools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuu65z/why_are_fish_harder_to_catch_in_the_middle_of_the/
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My friend suddenly decided to have her dollhouse's interior roof checked for mold, and I thought...

...that's a little spore attic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cutzi7/my_friend_suddenly_decided_to_have_her_dollhouses/
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather, in his sleep

Not crying and screaming like his passengers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cutun5/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_peacefully_like_my/
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I allow myself only one doughnut per year.

This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuts6u/i_allow_myself_only_one_doughnut_per_year/
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I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk

But I never got the chants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cutq82/i_always_wanted_to_be_a_gregorian_monk/
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Do you have a girlfriend?

Yeah, she’s from another nation.
That’s cool! Which nation?
Imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cutn8x/do_you_have_a_girlfriend/
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A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cutjjs/a_woman_is_doing_yard_work_pulling_weeds_and/
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Couples therapist: So tell me, what brings you here today?

Wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal.
Me: My truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cutd1b/couples_therapist_so_tell_me_what_brings_you_here/
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A popular barber in my town just got arrested for being a drug dealer.

That’s crazy, I’ve been going to him for years. I never knew he was a barber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cutd03/a_popular_barber_in_my_town_just_got_arrested_for/
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Opinions are like assholes...

Nobody cares about mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cut51c/opinions_are_like_assholes/
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What do you call a mean ghost?

A boo-lly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cut34v/what_do_you_call_a_mean_ghost/
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Can’t believe some people broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.

How low can you go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cut1kj/cant_believe_some_people_broke_into_my_garage_and/
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The waitress asked How i like my coffee.I said "the same as i like my women....

Without someone else's dick in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cusy45/the_waitress_asked_how_i_like_my_coffeei_said_the/
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My wife laughed when I said I had the body of a 20 year old

Until she checked the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuswcr/my_wife_laughed_when_i_said_i_had_the_body_of_a/
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I got pulled over this morning. The officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no sir, but I’ve got some Sting albums”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cusw4y/i_got_pulled_over_this_morning_the_officer_asked/
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A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look!  A purple flower!”
His friends face starts to turn white.
“Dude, what’s wrong?”
His friend starts screaming and running down the hill. He starts to scream,
“DON’T EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN!”
The man is very confused. He decides that he might as well not run after him, so he starts to walk down the hill.
Once he got to the bottom of the hill, he went to the small shop for hunting gear near the forest. The shopkeeper is an old friend of the mans father. He walks into the store and the shopkeeper says,
“Boy, you look off. What’s wrong?”
He replied, “I’m not sure what just happened. I was on a hike and my friend just ran off!”
The shopkeeper asked “What made him do that?”
The man started, “Well, I picked up this purple flower-“
The shopkeeper cut him off. “A purple flower!? Do you have it with you?”
The man said “Yes.” and pulled out the flower.
The shopkeeper started screaming. “GET OUT OF MY STORE!” he yelled. He pulled one of the rifles from the wall and started to load it. The man immediately ran out of the store and down the dirt road.
He made it to the suburbs of his town. He thought, “Wow, today has been crazy. I can’t wait to tell my girlfriend this.”
He called a cab and started down the road. The driver made conversation.
“Hey, how ya doin?”
“Oh, not great.”
“Huh? Why’s that?”
“It’s a very weird story. I was hiking with my friend when I found a purple flower. He ran away from me, then-“
The cab driver cut him off. “A purple flower?”
The man pulled out the flower and said, “Yes, this flower right here.”
The driver slammed on the breaks and screamed, “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR!”
He was pushed out of the car.
He started the walk to his girlfriends house. Once he finally got there, he opened the door to his girlfriend preparing dinner. He decided it would be best not to mention the flower until after he had dinner.
They sat down and begin to ate. His girlfriend asked, “Did anything interesting happen today?”
To which the man couldn’t help but reply, “I was hiking with my friend today when I found this purple flower,  and then he started-“
Unsurprisingly, his girlfriend cut him off. “Purple flower!?”
“Yes,” the man said. He was bracing for the screaming, and then it hit.
“GET OUT! GET OUT NOW! WE NEVER DATED! WE NEVER EVEN MET!”
He walked out the door as it was slammed behind him.
Confused, he went to his parents house for guidance. He knocked on the door and they opened it, happy to see their son. They watched TV and talked for a bit before the flower cake up.
“Mom? Dad?” he said.
“What is it?” his mother replied.
“Today, I found a purple flower on a hike, and everyone’s been screaming about it the whole day!”
“That’s horrible,” his father said. “Do you have it with you? I want to see it.”
Relieved, the man pulled out the flower. His mother took the pillow next to her and put it over her face. His dads face turned beet red. He
screamed,
“GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE! YOU’RE NOT MY SON! I NEVER HAD YOU!”
He ran out of the house, sobbing. It was now getting dark and he was soaked from the rain. He sat down at a bus station next to an old woman. The old woman looked at him and said,
“You look distressed. What’s wrong?”
He explained.
“Well, today I was on a hike with my best friend when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a purple flower. I picked it up and he started running and screaming. I was confused and then went to the hunting shop near the mountain. I walked in and showed him the flower and he sent me out of the store! Then I got a taxi to go to my girlfriends house, but when I told him about the purple flower, he threw me out. Then, once I got to my girlfriends house, I told her, and then she said that she hated me and never even knew me! Then, I went to my parents and asked them about it, and they threw me out too! I don’t know what’s going on.”
The woman nodded. “You know, there’s a library across the street. You could probably find something about it there.”
The man lit up. “Thank you so much!” he said. He started running across the street and then he got hit by a bus and died.
Moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cusv53/a_man_was_on_a_hike_with_his_best_friend/
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A man with heart problems wins 100 million dollars

A group of his friends are the only people who know about this and they debate how they should tell him, considering that due to his condition such a sudden news might cause his heart to stop because of joy.
So they decide that the most calm person in the group would go tell him.
The friend goes to the hospital and start talking with the man about money, prizes, and stuff like that slowly preparing him for the news.
When he finally tells the man, the man replies: "Wow, Thanks buddy! It was really nice of you to mentally prepare me for the news, therefore I have decided that I will share the prize with you 50/50".
The friend couldn't handle the news and died of a cardiac arrest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cusul9/a_man_with_heart_problems_wins_100_million_dollars/
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Which is heavier : a litre of water or a litre of butane?

The water.
No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cusu4o/which_is_heavier_a_litre_of_water_or_a_litre_of/
%
I asked my wife if I was the only person she ever slept with...

She replied, “Yes, the other’s tend to keep me awake.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cust2z/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_person_she_ever/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong sock on this morning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuss9a/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
What did Mother Earth say when she wiped out every last human being on the earth?

"No Homo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cusi8c/what_did_mother_earth_say_when_she_wiped_out/
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A man goes to court after murdering both parents

Judge: You are guilty for killing your parents. How do you plead?
Man: Guilty
Judge: I sentence you to thir...
Man: (In tears) Please Sir, don't be too harsh. You know I'm an orphan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cusgti/a_man_goes_to_court_after_murdering_both_parents/
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I used to look down on hookers

Then I started paying them to be on top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuscbb/i_used_to_look_down_on_hookers/
%
I used to look down on porn

Then I got a TV stand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cusbrq/i_used_to_look_down_on_porn/
%
I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!
*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cusbpr/i_want_to_make_a_band_called_mashed_potatoes/
%
A crusty old man walks into a bank...

A crusty old man walks into a bank & says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The woman leaves the window & goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that woman does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window & the manager asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
There is no fucking problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery & I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank."
"Oh...I see," says the manager,
"And is this bitch giving you a hard time sir...?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cusba0/a_crusty_old_man_walks_into_a_bank/
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If you cut off your left arm…

Then your right arm will be left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cusb5p/if_you_cut_off_your_left_arm/
%
My friends always said it’s not gay if it’s a threeway...

The other two guys in this threesome don’t seem to agree...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cusa1z/my_friends_always_said_its_not_gay_if_its_a/
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What do you call a pain reliever that makes you curse?

I be profane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cus8k6/what_do_you_call_a_pain_reliever_that_makes_you/
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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting married"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cus7mh/guy_takes_his_best_mate_home_to_meet_his_wife/
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A Navy recruit has his first day in the submarine.

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen  here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make  sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey  there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to  new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15  minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cus0t2/a_navy_recruit_has_his_first_day_in_the_submarine/
%
I like children...

but I can never finish a whole one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/curxok/i_like_children/
%
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sun glasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/curx45/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sun_glasses/
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Did you hear about the sex worker who got Employee of the Month?

She did a really good fucking job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/curwkq/did_you_hear_about_the_sex_worker_who_got/
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I joined a Christian gym glass recently

It's called Jehova's fitness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/curu2d/i_joined_a_christian_gym_glass_recently/
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And it was fucking hilarious!

I once made a time travel joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/curpm9/and_it_was_fucking_hilarious/
%
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Get in the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/curnx6/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_they_got_in/
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Three kids are smoking behind the bike sheds at school!

Kid 1: "My Dad can blow smoke through his nose!"
Kid 2: "Yeah, well my Dad can blow smoke through his ears!"
Kid 3: "That's nothing, my Dad can blow smoke through his ass!!" I've seen the nicotine stains in his underpants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/curnuw/three_kids_are_smoking_behind_the_bike_sheds_at/
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So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."
I looked at her, confused and said,"That's actually not what I was going to say at all."
"Oh…" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/curmfs/so_was_at_a_bar_last_night_and_saw_this_fat_chick/
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Whenever I hear someone say that stories change slightly when re-told by different people

I wonder what exactly happened to Jesus Christ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/curcv2/whenever_i_hear_someone_say_that_stories_change/
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Did you hear about the boy who survived being run over by a monster truck?

When reporters interviewed him at the hospital he was alert and said that he just felt very tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/curc77/did_you_hear_about_the_boy_who_survived_being_run/
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What do French people like to smoke?

They smoke oui'd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/curawg/what_do_french_people_like_to_smoke/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common

It's too bad they will never meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cur23z/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
Why did the fly leave the urinal?

It was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuqwzg/why_did_the_fly_leave_the_urinal/
%
What did the lesbian pirate say to the other lesbian pirate?

Scissor me timbers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuqt7x/what_did_the_lesbian_pirate_say_to_the_other/
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Khrushchev was giving a speech when a heckler in the audience shouted "Why did you never speak out against Stalin?"

Straight away  Khrushchev  bellowed "WHO SAID THAT?" and there was a rattle of safeties being taken off by his bodyguards. Nobody spoke.  Khrushchev  bellowed even louder "**WHO. SAID. THAT?!**". He gave a signal, one gesture of his hand. More armed men filed into the hall and stared intently down every row. Not one person moved a single muscle. Dead silence. And after a full minute,  Khrushchev  said:
"...That's why I never spoke out against Stalin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuqq4u/khrushchev_was_giving_a_speech_when_a_heckler_in/
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Every 12 hour shift I work, I always give 110%

ten percent the first hour. ten percent the second hour. maybe take a nap. ten percent the fourth hour. ect...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuqe2y/every_12_hour_shift_i_work_i_always_give_110/
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A 3 year old was examining his testicles in the bath.

"Mom" he asks, "are these my brain?"
"Not yet" she responds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuqaxx/a_3_year_old_was_examining_his_testicles_in_the/
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An ancient Soviet joke

One day, while inspecting an army base, Stalin realises his pipe is missing. He calls his secret police to help him find it. When he goes home, he finds his pipe on his couch. He notifies the secret police.
"Comrade Nikolai, I have found my pipe already, stop all search operations for it."
"But Comrade Stalin, seventeen people have already confessed to stealing it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuqae1/an_ancient_soviet_joke/
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If you want to communicate with the dead just have a midget smoke some weed.

So they get medium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuq404/if_you_want_to_communicate_with_the_dead_just/
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Dog

Last night, the police stopped by to tell me that my dog was chasing people on a motorcycle. That couldn't be my dog. He doesn't ride motorcycles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuq3ke/dog/
%
What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?

They both make you stand around for an hour and wait for a two minute ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuq3ij/what_do_disney_world_and_viagra_have_in_common/
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If wine is jesus' blood, doesn't that make blood/alcohol content "blood/blood" content...

...officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuq2lf/if_wine_is_jesus_blood_doesnt_that_make/
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What do you call a person who used to be a fan of farm machinery?

An ex-tractor fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cupzn7/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_used_to_be_a_fan_of/
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I caught my nephew using "Duck" in place of the F word.

I had to stop him, I know his dad wouldn't approve of such fowl language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cupq2h/i_caught_my_nephew_using_duck_in_place_of_the_f/
%
I was onboard a flight when a stewardess announced “The pilot is having a heart attack! Does anyone know how to fly this plane?”

Nobody said anything so I said “sure, I’ll give it a shot” and went into the cockpit.
I swear to God, it took me *4 hours* just to get it off the runway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cupomg/i_was_onboard_a_flight_when_a_stewardess/
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As the child of a gay couple i thought i was immune to yo mama jokes

Until someone said yo mama so ugly your dad had to get a husband

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cupkw8/as_the_child_of_a_gay_couple_i_thought_i_was/
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What is your name?

“What’s your name?” the cop asked when he pulled me over.
“Steve,” I said.
“And your last name?” he asked.
“It’s always been Steve,” I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cupja9/what_is_your_name/
%
Why are drug addicts the most cultural?

They're always on a trip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cupgso/why_are_drug_addicts_the_most_cultural/
%
A barber in my area got arrested for being a drug dealer.

I was his client for many years, and I had no clue that he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cupcwu/a_barber_in_my_area_got_arrested_for_being_a_drug/
%
You know, dolphins are vital in their food chains.

There can be no life without porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cupbpt/you_know_dolphins_are_vital_in_their_food_chains/
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What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key.
Since most jokes are reposts I may was well go with the oldest known joke in English from the 10th Century.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cup9yf/what_hangs_at_a_mans_thigh_and_wants_to_poke_the/
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I like my women like I like my beer

To go down easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cup83h/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_beer/
%
25 reasons why beer is better then a woman

25: Beer never gets a headache.
24: Beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.
23: You don’t have to wine and dine beer.
22: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
21: You can enjoy a beer all month long.
20: Beer stains wash out.
19: When beer goes flat, you toss it out.
18: Hangovers go away.
17: A beer label comes off without a fight.
16: Beer is never late.
15: When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
14: After you had a beer, The bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13: a beer won’t get upset if you come home and have another beer.
12: If you pour a beer right, You’ll always get a good head.
11: A beer always goes down easy.
10: You can share a beer with your friends.
9: You always know you’re the first one to pop a beer.
8: A beer is all ways wet.
7: Beer doesn’t demand equality.
6: You can more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
5: You can have a beer in public.
4: A beer doesn’t care when you come.
3: A frigid beer is a good beer.
2: You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
1: If you change beers you don’t have to pay alimony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cup78s/25_reasons_why_beer_is_better_then_a_woman/
%
Why do so many Norwegians choose to buy properties with access to running water?

Because those are the properties that are affjordable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cup19p/why_do_so_many_norwegians_choose_to_buy/
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I can't play loud music on any instrument.

It's just not my forte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuozuj/i_cant_play_loud_music_on_any_instrument/
%
Doctor: Does it hurt?

Woman: Yes...
Doctor: Go vaccinate your kid or I will punch you again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuourq/doctor_does_it_hurt/
%
My cousin Mordecai circumcises elephants

He says the pay is crap but the tips are big

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuoufp/my_cousin_mordecai_circumcises_elephants/
%
Father

Kid runs up to a cop on the street. 'please help, my father's in a fight in a bar'. They go to the bar where there's five men fighting. 'which one's your father', says the cop. 'don't know'  says the kid, 'that's what they're fighting about!'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuouaf/father/
%
A couple got married at a credit union but no one showed up

Low interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuotnk/a_couple_got_married_at_a_credit_union_but_no_one/
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My Therapist told me this would help....

I tried to get into a Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting once, but all the seats were taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuotk9/my_therapist_told_me_this_would_help/
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I went to a psychic and she told me how I would die: killed by a loser, nobody, bitch

I’ve decided to commit suicide because I’m not about to let that happen. I’ve been wanting to for a long time now anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuonsw/i_went_to_a_psychic_and_she_told_me_how_i_would/
%
I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn't pay my electric bill

It was the darkest day of my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuojy2/i_remember_how_embarrassed_i_was_when_i_couldnt/
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My dating profile says I’m an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way I’m going to be stopped

by a “Keep off the Grass” sign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuocwq/my_dating_profile_says_im_an_adrenaline_junky_who/
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Two parents are taking their newborn son for a stroll. A passerby looks into the carriage and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby!". The father thanks the passerby, and added, "Yes, my son here is some of my best work!"

The mother, slightly miffed, asks her husband, "Why did you take all the credit?  I carried this baby for none months.  I delivered him after 10 hours of labor.  All you did was have10 minutes of fun!"
The husband replied, "When you have a good meal, who do you thank?  The chef or the oven?"
The wife looked hurt and then replied: "I don't know about the chef, but if I were you I'd thank the milkman and the postman"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuo8gk/two_parents_are_taking_their_newborn_son_for_a/
%
A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"
The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".
Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a flight attendant over.  "The man behind me just hurled the most hideous insult at me, and I demand to be moved to a different seat!" she said.
The attendant gave her a consoling look of sympathy.  "I'm so sorry, but as you know our flight is fully booked and until we find someone willing to switch seats, I'm afraid I won't be able to reseat you.  We do apologize, however, and if you like, in the meantime we'd be happy to offer you anything from our in-flight menu free of charge."
"Fine", the woman said with an air of resignation, "but I've never been so insulted in all my life.  What a horrible man!"
"Well, I just said the truth!", could be faintly heard from the seat behind.
Hearing that, the attendant resolved to make the woman feel better as soon as possible, telling her, "Any item of food or any alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverage, whatever you choose, it's on us", she said.
"And if you like I'll also bring a banana for your comfort monkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuo68k/a_woman_seated_while_flying_in_economy_and/
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A green onion shouts "Yo, drop the beet!"

Quite the rapscallion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuo15f/a_green_onion_shouts_yo_drop_the_beet/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuo0zk/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
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What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuntfj/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_his/
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What do you call a waffle on the beach in Southern California?

A sandy Eggo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cunozs/what_do_you_call_a_waffle_on_the_beach_in/
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A wife sent a message to her husband..

A wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.”
Husband: Who is Priscilla?
Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.
Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?
Wife: Where are you??
Husband: Near the vegetable market.
Wife: Wait I’m coming there right now...
After 10 minutes she texts her husband, “Where are you?”
Husband: I’m at the office. Now that you are at the market, buy whatever vegetables you need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cunevy/a_wife_sent_a_message_to_her_husband/
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If you don't know the difference between your and you're...

Your a fucking idiot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cunasu/if_you_dont_know_the_difference_between_your_and/
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A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.
He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny day to appear tough. And even ripped apart a microwave with his bare hands to prove his strength to her.
I guess you could say he’s doing everything he can to get cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cumya9/a_man_is_in_love_with_a_woman_who_shares_the_same/
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They say never to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.

Of course they also say not to substitute teach when you’re horny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cumtf5/they_say_never_to_go_grocery_shopping_when_youre/
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My grandfather served in WW2 during the liberation of France

One day I asked him “ Did you ever kill anybody?”.
He goes silent, looked me deep in the eyes and said “probably, I was the cook”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cumku5/my_grandfather_served_in_ww2_during_the/
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What do you get when you screw a nihilist into a lightbulb?

Nothing, because it doesn't fucking matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cumkjp/what_do_you_get_when_you_screw_a_nihilist_into_a/
%
I took a detour on the way home yesterday. Took me through 8 traffic circles,

but it got me where I was going, in a roundabout way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cumk2t/i_took_a_detour_on_the_way_home_yesterday_took_me/
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So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cumd1h/so_you_know_the_fear_of_spiders_is_arachnophobia/
%
Tomorrow at work is Jamaican hairstyle day

I’m already dreading it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuma2s/tomorrow_at_work_is_jamaican_hairstyle_day/
%
If anyone is interested in a concert that only costs $0.45

It's 50 cent featuring NickelBack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cum72b/if_anyone_is_interested_in_a_concert_that_only/
%
If you like pee related puns...

then *urine* for a treat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cum5kj/if_you_like_pee_related_puns/
%
Today I asked a Canadian for her number...

But she said she was above us Americans...
So cold... :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/culxds/today_i_asked_a_canadian_for_her_number/
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Did you hear about the underdog boxer that got the measles, then the chicken pox, then polio?

I guess he never even had a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/culwx3/did_you_hear_about_the_underdog_boxer_that_got/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

Sweet, always there for me, and making me feel better when I'm tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cultwf/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Did you hear about the man who got hit by rocks while riding a donkey?

He was stoned off his ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/culs2y/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_got_hit_by_rocks/
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Odd jobs

John: Hey Peter, long time no see! How are you? What are you doing now?
Peter: Fine, fine. I sell human organs. You?
John: Dude, what the hell? Don't you have a heart?
Peter: Is that criticism or an order?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/culqi9/odd_jobs/
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An old teacher.

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?”
The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/culo1g/an_old_teacher/
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What does a Catholic priest have in common with Beethoven's Fur Elise?

They both finish in A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/culfqh/what_does_a_catholic_priest_have_in_common_with/
%
Colt joined with ArmaLite to create a new firearm called The Congressional.

But it never works properly and you can't fire it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/culdx0/colt_joined_with_armalite_to_create_a_new_firearm/
%
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey.

But I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/culbhg/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter what you call him, he still isn't coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/culb9v/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
What did the egghead say to the pothead?

"Why are you laughing? Is it the yolk?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/culagv/what_did_the_egghead_say_to_the_pothead/
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Did you know my dad is an incredible magician?

He can turn a case of Jack Daniels into a case of domestic abuse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cul9q9/did_you_know_my_dad_is_an_incredible_magician/
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I got fired from the calendar factory. Why?

Because I took a day off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cul958/i_got_fired_from_the_calendar_factory_why/
%
What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?

I can clearly see you're nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cul7yh/what_did_the_psychiatrist_say_when_a_man_wearing/
%
Friends are like trees

They fall down if you hit them multiple times with an axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cul7st/friends_are_like_trees/
%
A man walks into the bar with a monkey on his shoulder

He sits at the bar and orders a beer.  As the bartender is pouring his beer the monkey jumps off his shoulder and proceeds to eat everything in sight.
He eats all the bowls of mixed nuts, eats all the popcorn, jumps over the bar and eats all the marschianno cherries and all the green olives.  He even jumps on the pool table and eats the cue ball.
The bartender looks furiously at the guy and says, "what the hell man, your monkey just ate all my snacks and the cue ball off my pool table".
The guy apologizes profusely and pays for all the food and cue ball.  He finishes his beer and leaves.
A few weeks later the guy comes back with his monkey and orders a beer.  The bartender goes to pour his beer while keeping an eye on the monkey.
Sure enough, the monkey jumps off his shoulder, runs down to the peanuts.
He sticks a peanut in his ass and eats it.  Grabs a piece of popcorn, sticks that in his ass and eats it.  This continues with the cherries and green olives.
The bartender looking disgusted says "what the hell man, now he is not only eating my stuff but hes sticking it in his ass first?".
Guy replies "yeah, ever since the cue ball incident hes been measuring everything first".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cul7dn/a_man_walks_into_the_bar_with_a_monkey_on_his/
%
I bought my girlfriend a petticoat.

It keeps telling all her other coats that they're too fluffy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cul687/i_bought_my_girlfriend_a_petticoat/
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Teacher: How else do you call a G flat?

Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Ges.
Student: I just said I don't know!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cul5xn/teacher_how_else_do_you_call_a_g_flat/
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What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?

Ranch dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cul3my/what_do_you_call_it_when_dress_up_like_a_cowboy/
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Why do lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuku47/why_do_lawyers_wear_neckties/
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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"
Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"
Grandma giggles. "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey, and we were glad to get it!"
They all turn to great grandma, who's quietly knitting. Great grandma leans back in her rocking chair and says, "Gald-dang whipper-snappers! Back in my day, during the Great Depression, we was just happy to have something warm in our stomachs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuknh5/a_fourthgeneration_prostitute_goes_home_to_her/
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I had a one night stand that went really bad...

We are married 3 years today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cukkju/i_had_a_one_night_stand_that_went_really_bad/
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I went on a date with a dyslexic girl, and

she ended up cooking my sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cukk33/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_dyslexic_girl_and/
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How do you determine the volume of a pizza?

Well, it’s basically a very flat cylinder. Let’s give it a random radius “z” and an arbitrary height “a”.
The volume of a cylinder is 3.14 x radius squared x height.
(Pi)(z)(z)(a)
Just a joke I remembered from math class way back in the day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cukdnn/how_do_you_determine_the_volume_of_a_pizza/
%
A mime friend of mine got arrested after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.

He still has the right to remain silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cukcxz/a_mime_friend_of_mine_got_arrested_after_he_got/
%
How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw the lightbulb in, and one to say “it should be me up there.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuk9fj/how_many_actors_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Jesus and his disciples at last dinner.

"Waiter!", Jesus called, "Can I get a receipt please?"
After some time, waiter finally comes to Jesus and puts a receipt in his palm.
Jesus is looking at receipt for 10 seconds straight with confusion and shock all over his face.
He turns to disciples and shouts "Didn't I tell y'all to order water instead of wine?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuk5ki/jesus_and_his_disciples_at_last_dinner/
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If I had a dollar for every joke on this sub...

... I'd have a dollar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuk5ci/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_joke_on_this_sub/
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TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuk542/til_in_the_movie_the_day_after_tomorrow_the_scene/
%
Whats Orange And Sounds Like A Parrot?

A Carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuk442/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
Tony tells his friend Jimmy: "My son is stupid."

Jimmy doesn't believe him. So they go to Tony's house and enter his son's room. Tony tells him: "In my left hand I have a $2 bill. In my right hand I have a $20 bill. Pick one and it's yours." The son picks the $2 bill and goes outside, leaving Jimmy dumbfounded.
15 minutes later Jimmy finds Tony's son sitting in the garden and eating an ice cream. So he comes to him and asks him: "Why didn't you pick the $20 bill? 20 is way more than 2."
The son replies: "The moment I pick the $20 bill, the game is over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuk1f8/tony_tells_his_friend_jimmy_my_son_is_stupid/
%
I was going to tell a joke about snow...

But it's a bit flaky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cujup6/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_snow/
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There were 19 cows in a pasture

A cowboy came by and asked me to help him round them up.
I said “sure”... “there’s about twenty”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cujrfn/there_were_19_cows_in_a_pasture/
%
A boy asks his father what alcoholism is

The father says, "Well let me explain it this way. See those two trees over there? An alcoholic would say there's four."
The son replies, "But dad, there is only one tree over there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cujnu0/a_boy_asks_his_father_what_alcoholism_is/
%
You guys hear about Amazon?

I hear it's pretty lit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cujnnx/you_guys_hear_about_amazon/
%
r/electricians should be quarantined

It is a subreddit devoted to shocking content

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cujmtw/relectricians_should_be_quarantined/
%
What the difference between Tony Stark and a vegan Big Lebowski?

One is Iron Man, and the other is iron deficient, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cujd9i/what_the_difference_between_tony_stark_and_a/
%
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn’t wearing her seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuj8lx/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
You ever felt useless? Ever thought your job has no real purpose or meaning?

Keep your head up. Just remember that you make a difference in this world.
Unless you are that guy who makes turn signals in the BMW factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuj6c5/you_ever_felt_useless_ever_thought_your_job_has/
%
If a rectal thermometer breaks in your butt

There’s mercury in Uranus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuj5t4/if_a_rectal_thermometer_breaks_in_your_butt/
%
Little Johnny is sitting in the back of anatomy class.

The teacher is pointing at a map of the body and telling the kids about what each part of the body does. She points at the penis on the diagram and says, "This is the penis. Every boy has one penis and it is for--"
"Hey, teacher," Little Johnny interrupts, "that's not right. My daddy has two penises."
The teacher shakes her head in confusion and says, "Two penises? What do you mean? That's impossible!"
Little Johnny replies, "No, it's not! I've seen both of them. He has a little one for when he's going pee pee and a big one when he's brushing Mommy's teeth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuj4ea/little_johnny_is_sitting_in_the_back_of_anatomy/
%
There once was a king who had a very promiscuous wife.

Having severe doubts on her, he decided to confirm his doubts by performing a test. He hid a tiny blade in his wife's vagina. A few days later, he inspected the penis of everyone inside the palace. And sure enough, there was a cut on everyone's penis, except for the king's minister. The king was deeply moved by the minister's loyalty.
He said to the minister "you are the only one in the entire palace who is loyal to me. I will forever consider you as my greatest friend."
And the minister replied " Tsvank yu".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuj31e/there_once_was_a_king_who_had_a_very_promiscuous/
%
Very dark humor(Long joke)

A grandfather and a grandson are sitting next to each other. The grandson in on his phone while the grandfather is trying to talk to him. The grandfather says to himself, “Urgh, how you children are dependent on technology.” The grandson hears what the grandfather said and replied with, “No, your generation is dependent on technology.” The grandson continues and cuts out the life support of the grandfather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuj2xp/very_dark_humorlong_joke/
%
How many germans does it take to fix a broken lightbulb?

One, we are very effective and have no sense of humor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuiwh8/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_fix_a_broken/
%
A wife said to her husband,

"If I die first, I want you to promise me that in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you."
"OK, if you insist" he replied, "But it will ruin my day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuiuq1/a_wife_said_to_her_husband/
%
What do the nearsighted gynecologist and the puppy have in common?

A wet nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuisi1/what_do_the_nearsighted_gynecologist_and_the/
%
A man goes to the Doctor and says...

"Dr. I think I am half deaf"
The doctor then replied:
"No worries sir, I'll conduct a simple test, repeat after me, eighty-eight."
"Forty-Four"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuis4a/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says/
%
I've been dating a couple of anorexic girls lately

two birds, one stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuir3q/ive_been_dating_a_couple_of_anorexic_girls_lately/
%
Are there several ways to abbreviate Maine?

Or is it just me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuiqv1/are_there_several_ways_to_abbreviate_maine/
%
What do you call a person who robs a drug store?

A pillager

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuipu2/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_robs_a_drug_store/
%
I used to wear a lot of women's clothing

Eventually they found out and I had to buy my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuil9l/i_used_to_wear_a_lot_of_womens_clothing/
%
Why is Trump losing support in Georgia?

Hates peach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuil8c/why_is_trump_losing_support_in_georgia/
%
I went to this guy's house and there were neck garments with hogs on everywhere.

The place was a pigs tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuiiya/i_went_to_this_guys_house_and_there_were_neck/
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A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department,  but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt  like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything  was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their  relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the  wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuibo1/a_husband_will_only_have_sex_with_his_wife_on_one/
%
I had a date with a maths teacher and she told me to get there at ten past one.

So I got there at eleven but she wasn't impressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cui9fa/i_had_a_date_with_a_maths_teacher_and_she_told_me/
%
Girl: Show Me Your tattoss

Girl: Show me your tattoos
Guy: First, show me your tits
Girl: Why?
Guy: Tit for tatt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cui5nu/girl_show_me_your_tattoss/
%
John worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed at the factory for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but John indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, John came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, John?" she asked.
"Do you remember how I told you how I had this tremendous urge to stick my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, John, no. . ."
"Yeah. . . "
"John, *tell* me you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, John, *what happened*?"
"Well, I got fired."
"No, John. The pickle slicer. **What happened with the pickle slicer?**"
John sat and stared at the floor. "She got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cui3m6/john_worked_in_a_pickle_factory/
%
According to Science,

Alcohol is a solution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuhrsl/according_to_science/
%
I just invented a new word

I call it "Plagarism"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuhen9/i_just_invented_a_new_word/
%
Cold War Era Joke: The chairman of the Communist party decides to go check how his fellow comrades are doing. He walks into a dreadful cinema and sits down. Before the movie starts, there is 15 minutes of communist propaganda, with him giving a boring speech at the end. Everyone stands up and

Starts clapping and cheering enthusiastically.
The chairman is so humbled and stays seated, soaking in the love.
A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his left bends over and whispers directly in his ear.
"Comrade, I know how you feel, but if don't want to be sent to Siberia, you better stand and clap"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuhcg8/cold_war_era_joke_the_chairman_of_the_communist/
%
I recently went to a nudist wedding...

It was easy to see who was the best man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuhc1w/i_recently_went_to_a_nudist_wedding/
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The difference between "helping your uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse"

isn't much; you'll be sexually molested in either case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuh5an/the_difference_between_helping_your_uncle_jack/
%
Some people say theres 2 kinds of pirates; theres the "yo ho ho" or the "yarrggh". I belong to an exclusive third group called:

"I'm not paying $120 a year for photoshop".
*Edit: fixed the price according to google*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuh12k/some_people_say_theres_2_kinds_of_pirates_theres/
%
When my Spanish friends leave town, I always tell them "mucho."

It's just a small thing, but it means a lot to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cugym6/when_my_spanish_friends_leave_town_i_always_tell/
%
Last night at the restaurant, it was all full, I started talking out loud on the phone...

"Come now! He's here with another woman!", 6 tables were freed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cugpmj/last_night_at_the_restaurant_it_was_all_full_i/
%
I had my first interview for a cheese company

I think it went grate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuglma/i_had_my_first_interview_for_a_cheese_company/
%
What's the difference between a hammock and a canopy?

People don't get mad when they learn you've sold them a hammock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cughu2/whats_the_difference_between_a_hammock_and_a/
%
On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cughla/on_the_freeway_a_truck_spilled_its_cargo_of/
%
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?!

Because she’s always running away from the ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cug3jl/why_is_cinderella_bad_at_soccer/
%
Do you know why jews mutilate their penises?

Jewish girls can't resist something that's 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cufvbo/do_you_know_why_jews_mutilate_their_penises/
%
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cufg5p/what_do_you_call_a_parade_of_rabbits_hopping/
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What's the difference between your job and your wife

In 10 years your job will still suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cufd2d/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_your/
%
My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 am!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cufc7e/my_neighbour_knocked_on_my_door_this_morning_at/
%
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie

The man decides to try it out at the dinner table
Dad: Son, where were you during school today
Son: at school
The robot slaps the son
Son: Okay Okay! I was at home watching a movie!
Dad: what movie?
Son: Kung Fu Panda
The robot slaps the son again
Son: Fine! It was a porn movie
Dad: WHAT?! At your age I didn't even know what that was!
The robot slaps the dad
Mom: HAHAHAHA. He is your son after all!
The robot slaps the mom..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cufc2l/a_man_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps_people/
%
A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
I’m going to hell for this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cufb0n/a_man_and_a_woman_argue_over_the_custody_of_their/
%
I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuf9qp/i_didnt_pay_attention_in_english_class_so_now_i/
%
My girlfriend left me bacause all I do is talk about football.

Im so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuf9lc/my_girlfriend_left_me_bacause_all_i_do_is_talk/
%
What sort of Spanish sporting event would Jesus hang out at?

La Crosse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuf7f1/what_sort_of_spanish_sporting_event_would_jesus/
%
I'm going to make a movie about a teenage boy and his journey to becoming an Olympic swimmer. I'm going to name it...

Wet Dreams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuf694/im_going_to_make_a_movie_about_a_teenage_boy_and/
%
There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuf61y/there_are_a_few_criminals_in_my_town_that_keep/
%
My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him...

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuev2w/my_friend_jay_had_twin_girls_recently_and_he/
%
I still remember the first time I made love to my girlfriend.

I said, "I would like to take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
She said, "I would like to take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cueue7/i_still_remember_the_first_time_i_made_love_to_my/
%
Here is a long joke about time travel



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cueub9/here_is_a_long_joke_about_time_travel/
%
What’s a redneck with a British accent called?

An Australian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuesuy/whats_a_redneck_with_a_british_accent_called/
%
I've written some jokes

But I gotta say the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cues0m/ive_written_some_jokes/
%
The Beach Boys walk into a bar...

"Round!"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuempb/the_beach_boys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I was at a yard sale and I saw a radio, with a broken volume knob, for sale.

I couldn’t turn it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuehul/i_was_at_a_yard_sale_and_i_saw_a_radio_with_a/
%
A man walks into a bar...

...and waves to the bartender, another guy.
"I want three drinks, one for me, one for you and one for your fucking mother!"
The bartender frowns, but chooses not to say anything, and pours three drinks in front of the guy. The guy drinks one, the bartender other, and the third one is left there, to what the guy says:
"Now take that to your fucking mother!"
This same exchange happens the next day, and the next, and the next. Eventually, the bartender loses its temper and beats the shit out of the guy, kicking him out of his bar.
The next day, the same guy, bruised and limping, walks into the bar and asks:
"I want two drinks!"
The bartender is surprised, pours him two drinks, and asks:
"So, learned your lesson?"
The guy replies:
"You bet I did, one for me and one for your fucking mother! You get too agressive when you drink!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuehkg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuegjm/customer_what_would_you_recommend_from_the_menu/
%
I was late for work this morning, my boss asked me why to which I replied "I had a mechanical failure with my donkey." Perplexed my boss asked me what that had to do with getting to work.

To which i replied "I couldn't get my ass in gear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuefi6/i_was_late_for_work_this_morning_my_boss_asked_me/
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Americans have a strange dialect.

It's all "sneakers" instead of "trainers"...
... and "sweater" instead of "jumper"...
... and "shooting range" instead of "high school"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cue6w8/americans_have_a_strange_dialect/
%
How many brexitiers does it take to replace a light bulb?

Two. One to promise a brighter future and one to screw it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cue4kr/how_many_brexitiers_does_it_take_to_replace_a/
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I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it.

I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cue0tb/i_am_in_the_hospital_my_younger_brother_swallowed/
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A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face.  So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.
"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"
"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method.  I'll install these two tiny screws just under the hair line on the left and right side of your face, they won't even be visible!  Anytime you feel like your wrinkles are bothering you, just give these two screws a tiny twist and it'll lift your face nice and taut!"
The woman, pleased with the solution, goes home and gives it a quarter-turn.  She looks in the mirror, and smiles the most radiantly she has smiled in years.  This goes on for a couple years.
Until one day, she starts feeling troubled, and that she doesn't look as good as she used to.  Thinking her beauty can no longer match the pace of her aging, she goes back to the doctor.
"Doctor doctor...I've been doing what you instructed, and it worked great for a while, but now, I'm feeling older than ever...I have these huge bags under my eyes that just won't go away..."
The doctor studies her for a minute...
"Ma'am, I'm afraid those are your tits..."
.
.
.
.
"Oh..I guess that also explains my beard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cudxfi/a_middleaged_woman_is_conscious_about_the_way_she/
%
A man walked into a crowded waiting room at his doctor's office and approached the front desk.

The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cudwhf/a_man_walked_into_a_crowded_waiting_room_at_his/
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How does a penny look under a microscope?

Magnificent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cudsac/how_does_a_penny_look_under_a_microscope/
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What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cudouw/whats_the_difference_between_someone_who_doesnt/
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A flasher walked up to three old ladies who were sitting on a bench...

A flasher walked up to three old ladies who were sitting on a bench.
The first one had a stroke.
The second one had a stroke.
The third one's arms were too short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cudlba/a_flasher_walked_up_to_three_old_ladies_who_were/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer.

He is doing some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "**Can you all see me now?**"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cudk9n/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
A guy walks into a bar, sits and has a drink

He turns to the bartender and asks if he's a betting man. Bartender takes a moment and says he is.
"I bet you $10 I can spit into a shot glass with me in my stool and the glass behind you." Bartender takes the bet. The man takes a deep breath, and launches a spit dead center into the shot glass. Amazed the bartender congratulates the man, says he's never seen anything like that and hands him $10.
Next day same man walks in and tells the bartender he bets him $50 that he can spit into a shot glass with him on one end of the bar and the glass all the way at the other end. It was a pretty long bar so the bartender took the deal. The man takes an even bigger breath, aims and launches a spit that flies over the entire bar and lands dead center into the shot glass. Amazed and a little angry, the bartender reluctantly hands him the $50.
The next day the bartender eagerly awaits the man to come in so he can bet again and try to get his money back. The man walks in greets some of the other patrons,  taking his time before sitting at the bar. The bartender rushes over to him and asks "what's the bet going to be today" . The man says he doesn't want to keep taking his money but the bartender insists on another bet. Finally the man says to place a large glass by the store window and that from the bar he can pee into it for $50. The bartender figures there is no way that's humanly possible and tells the man he takes the bet but 8ncreases the bet to $100. The man agrees. He gets next to the bar unzips and begins peeing. He's peeing to the left, the right, he's spraying everywhich way he can to try and reach the glass. When it's all said and done the bartender and man look in the cup and there's not a drop of pee in it. The bartender jumps up and down with joy that he won. The man simple takes out a $100 and hands him the money without batting an eyelash and just simply goes back to drinking his drink and talking with other patrons.
The bartender finds this very strange and says:
"Aren't you upset that you lost??"
"oh the $100? No not upset. I didn't lose"
"what do you mean you didn't lose? You completely missed the glass!"
"Yes I did. But you see that table of 6 over there? I bet them each $100 that I could piss all over your bar and you would be jumping for joy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cudhud/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_sits_and_has_a_drink/
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They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.

But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cudh14/they_say_dont_go_grocery_shopping_while_youre/
%
A man walks into a veterinary clinic

"My dog's head keeps drooping, so I would like to make an appointment," he says.
"Neck's weak?" asks the receptionist.
"Tomorrow would be better," he replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cud95k/a_man_walks_into_a_veterinary_clinic/
%
A man moves out to the country

As he is unloading his moving truck, another vehicle pulls onto his property.  A man gets out and says
"Hi, I'm your closest neighbor, I live about a mile down that way.  I'm having a party this weekend.  It should be a lot of fun, lots of drinking, fighting, and fucking.  What do you say?"
The man says "Sure, sounds great.  Can I bring anything?"
"No, don't worry about that.  It'll just be the two of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cud7fp/a_man_moves_out_to_the_country/
%
What’s a furries favourite drink?

A cocktail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cud1dr/whats_a_furries_favourite_drink/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cucy6u/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
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Not sure if this will work outside of Scotland...

Two cows in a field, which one is on holiday?
- the one with the wee calf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cucxgn/not_sure_if_this_will_work_outside_of_scotland/
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I'm really starting to hate these stupid Russian dolls

They're so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cucuud/im_really_starting_to_hate_these_stupid_russian/
%
Why didn't people like average Joe?

He was a mean guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cucshk/why_didnt_people_like_average_joe/
%
The priest's missing bicycle

A smalltown priest went to the mayor, complaining:
\- Someone stole my bicycle!
The wise mayor responded:
\- Fear not! There is an easy way to find it. All you need to do is to read the ten commandment in front of the whole congregation next Sunday. When you reach "Thou shalt not steal", make a dramatic pause, then look everyone in the eyes. The one avoiding eye contact is surely guilty!
The next week they meet again, this time the priest riding his bicycle with a huge grin on his face.
\- So the plan worked? - asked the mayor
\- Well, in a way... I started reading the commandments like you suggested me to do. When I reached "Thou shalt not commit adultery", I remembered where I had left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cucqrn/the_priests_missing_bicycle/
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I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuco2w/im_not_very_good_at_diy_but_i_managed_to_attach_a/
%
My grandpa used to take me ice fishing

We never got to spend too much time together, so it meant a lot to me to spend time with him.  He was really getting on in age - his teeth were gone and he usually mumbled unless he was frustrated.  You could understand him if he yelled, but that was rare since he was such a gentle soul.  His mind was still sharp, he just had a hard time expressing himself.
What I loved was that none of this mattered, because he just had this amazing knack for the sport.  No matter where we set up, he had great luck catching fish.  And you could see in his eye that it made him so happy that he was still good at something as he started to slip at so many other things.
Personally, I couldn't seem to catch a fish to save my life, and it didn't really bother me.  I just loved that time we spent together.  But one day, I finally decided to ask him about it.
"Grandpa, how is it that you catch so many fish while I barely get any from the same spot?"
He just mumbled incoherently, the way he always did.  I asked him again, and he just mumbled again.  I decided not to press any further, but he could see in my eye that it bugged me that I couldn't understand him.
So he leaned over the bait bucket, spit a huge wad of something into it, and yelled YOU'VE GOT TO KEEP YOUR WORMS WARM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cucnkg/my_grandpa_used_to_take_me_ice_fishing/
%
Ugliest baby in the world

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver looks at the baby and exclaims "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!".
All upset the woman walks to the very back of the bus and takes a seat.
A man sitting on the seat across from the walkway notices the upset look on her face and asks her what is wrong. With her baby in arms she turns to the man.
"The bus driver insulted me as I got onto the bus."
The man looks at her for a second and then says
"That's so mean of him! Go and tell that son of a peach to apologise while I hold your monkey for you..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuckls/ugliest_baby_in_the_world/
%
Why is a dictionary dangerous?

Because it has dynamite in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuck1t/why_is_a_dictionary_dangerous/
%
What Scientology and Trump have in common?

Both of them were very successfull launching a cult by talking crazy shit about aliens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuchhc/what_scientology_and_trump_have_in_common/
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LPT: Forgot the name of a song but know the tune?

Just upload a video of you humming it onto YouTube and you'll immediately get a copyright claim stating the name of the song!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuccd8/lpt_forgot_the_name_of_a_song_but_know_the_tune/
%
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved", else you will "burn".

Stupid firemen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuc90k/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/
%
Warning!!! Don't look at the sun through a colander.

You'll strain your eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuc752/warning_dont_look_at_the_sun_through_a_colander/
%
I helped my friend Richard move into his new home,

It was a total Dick move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuc2yg/i_helped_my_friend_richard_move_into_his_new_home/
%
A man was sunbathing naked at a beach... (Long)

He was reading a newspaper and lying down on the sand. He saw a little girl come over so he covered his crotch with the paper he was reading. The girl walked up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?".
He responded, "It's a little bird but it's sleeping, so can you please go away?" "Okay!" and she left.
Later he decided to get some rest, so he took a nap. When he woke up, he found himself at the ER with a few frantic faces working on him. When they saw him wake up they rushed and asked him what had happened. He said he didn't know, but mentioned the little girl to them, and he described her. So they went to look for her at the beach.
At the beach they found the girl playing in the sand, so they walked up to her and asked her what happened to the man. She said, "Oh nothing. When the man fell asleep I went to him because I wanted to play with the bird. After a while it spat on me and I got mad. So I cracked its eggs, burnt its nest and broke its neck."
^(\*Note: I know it's old but I haven't seen it on this sub yet)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuc1o9/a_man_was_sunbathing_naked_at_a_beach_long/
%
I saw a very drunk Kimi Raikkonen trying to order liquor from a bar tender...

"No no, Kimi. You will not have the drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuc062/i_saw_a_very_drunk_kimi_raikkonen_trying_to_order/
%
I was walking around some back ally’s in London with my friend, at the time we were both stupid teens. We saw a stray cat, very emaciated, so we fed it some cat food and noticed it had a collar on which said it’s name was ‘love’ my friend said to me ‘bro that’s such a gay name let’s change it’.

So we changed the cats name to Gay and from then on we fed Gay and it became our little friend, we shared it and loved it.
About a month later we were walking back through the back ally’s with Gay when we saw this big black dude turn a corner and shout ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY CAT, LOVE’ my friend, being then dumb teen he was shouted back ‘HES NOT YOURS HES OURS AND HIS NAMES GAY’, the man whipped out a pistol and shot me in the heart, I fell to the floor, looked up to my friend and whispered as my last words, ‘shot to the heart, and you’re to blame, you gave love a bad name’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuby5h/i_was_walking_around_some_back_allys_in_london/
%
My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common

We're both terrible at ending relationships

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cubwxl/my_marriage_has_lasted_50_years_even_though_my/
%
A billionaire is leaving his doctor's office when he gets stopped and reminded to pay

"Doctor," he says, I've decided not to pay you for your services. Instead, I'm writing you into my will. Will that suffice?"
"Of course," replies the doctor. "But can you please give me back that prescription? I need to make a small change."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cubw4u/a_billionaire_is_leaving_his_doctors_office_when/
%
I had an interview for a job as a Mime today, unfortunately i didn't get it.

Must of been something i said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cubp0m/i_had_an_interview_for_a_job_as_a_mime_today/
%
Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cubn0u/wow_i_got_all_this_for_free_today_iphone_some/
%
Blacksmiths Dog

When i  was 12,  my Dad bought home a dog that the village blacksmith had asked if we could rehome it.
It  had only been with less than an hour, and it made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cubk6p/blacksmiths_dog/
%
As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties and the marital counselor said I needed to do something..."

"...sexy to a tractor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cubik2/as_farmer_brown_approached_his_neighbors_barn_he/
%
The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cubg29/the_mean_mans_party/
%
I smacked my wifes butt and she got upset and said “Im trying to do the dishes!”

I yelled back “Im trying to do the dishwasher!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cubcfg/i_smacked_my_wifes_butt_and_she_got_upset_and/
%
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.

We call her Tracey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cubbuy/theres_a_girl_on_my_art_course_who_never_does_any/
%
I wanted to make a joke about burritos.

But I couldn't wrap it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cub8r9/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_burritos/
%
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.

None of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cub5e9/i_know_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
NSFW: Why don't old men go down on old women?

Have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cub4ye/nsfw_why_dont_old_men_go_down_on_old_women/
%
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Little Johnny what his problem was so he replied, „I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade anf I'm smarter than her too.“ The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal.
The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quite. The teacher and Johnny both agreed.
Principal: „What is 3 x 3?“
Johnny: „9“
Principal: „6 x 6“
Johnny „36“
And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher „I see no reason Johnny can't go on to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right.“
The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.
Teacher: „What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?“
Johnny: „Legs“
Teacher: „What do you have in your pants that I don't have?“ The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, „pockets“
Teacher: „What does a dog do that a man steps into?“
Johnny: „Pants“
Teacher: “What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?“
Johnny: “Gum“
Teacher: “Where do most women have curly hair?“
Johnny: “Africa“
Teacher: „What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?“
Johnny: „Firetruck“
The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says „Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 6 questions wrong myself. But Johnny, let me ask you this last question: How in the world do you know all this?“
With a smirk on his face, Johnny replied: „This joke isn‘t OC, I have reddit in class“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cub2s3/a_first_grade_teacher_was_having_trouble_with_one/
%
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".
Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".
Medical Student : "4"
All others looking astonished : "How did you know ??"
Medical Student: I memorized it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cub1y5/several_scientists_were_all_posed_the_following/
%
A short love story

A man and women who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to
bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm
awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow... That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuaxln/a_short_love_story/
%
The problem with one-night stands is all the questions afterwards.

Like "do you plead guilty?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuawx0/the_problem_with_onenight_stands_is_all_the/
%
A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE
Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.
The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.
Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”
“Yeah.” the chicken replies.
Again, he points to the sign: NO JOKES SERVED HERE
The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”
The bartender moves his pointed finger from the sign to the window.
“There’s another bar across the road.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuac0k/a_priest_rabbi_and_atheist_walk_into_a_bar_and/
%
We are the World Health Organization.

- I’m sorry, who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cuabql/we_are_the_world_health_organization/
%
The bar on the cliff

A man is on a walk by the coast in terrible weather, and ducks into a bar that is situated at the top of a cliff overlooking the sea to escape the rain and the wind.
He sits at the bar and orders a whiskey, and strikes up a conversation with an old man at the bar. The men talk for a couple of hours and before long the two men have almost drained the whiskey bottle. All the while, the storm has grown worse outside. The talk turns to the terrible weather.
“Look at the rain!” The man says, “it’s almost falling sideways because of the wind!”.
“Look at the wind whipping up the side of the cliff!” The old man replies “the rain is falling upwards! I bet if you were to jump off the cliff and catch the wind in your coat, you would come soaring back up to the bar”
The man laughs.
“I’m serious, I’m trying it!” Said the old man “put your coat on! Let’s leave the stuff in our pockets here though so we don’t get weighed down. ”
So the two men go outside and peer over the cliff. It’s a long way down and the bottom of the cliff is littered with jagged rocks.
“Are you sure you want to try this?” Said the man.
“What have I got to lose?” The old man replied, and without another word he leaped from the cliff, and began hurtling towards his certain death below.
The man looked away in horror, but when he opened his eyes, the old man was back at the top of the cliff. “That was crazy!”, the old man said “I’ve never felt so alive”
The man explained that he had closed his eyes and the old man agreed to go again. He leaped from the cliff in a beautiful swan dive, and sure enough, about half way down, he opened his coat, caught the wind, and drifted back to the top of the cliff.
The man was amazed. He stepped forward towards the edge of the cliff and took another moment to collect his thoughts.
“It’s easy” the old man said “the best feeling you’ve ever had”.
The man summoned the rest of his Dutch courage, unzipped his coat, and leaped from the top of the cliff. He hurtled towards the ground, opened his coat and... turned into mush as he hit the jagged rocks at terminal velocity.
The old man turned back into the bar, reached over and pulled a five pound note out of the other man’s wallet, and flagged the bartender for another whiskey.
The bartender poured his drink, placed it in front of him and said “you know, you’ve been a right prick since you retired superman!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cua6g5/the_bar_on_the_cliff/
%
I recently joined a nudist colony..

The first week was the hardest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cua5q6/i_recently_joined_a_nudist_colony/
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I was gonna tell a joke about napoleon complexes...

But it fell short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cua4il/i_was_gonna_tell_a_joke_about_napoleon_complexes/
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Mushrooms are the most virtuous of fungi...

they have the best morels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cua4eq/mushrooms_are_the_most_virtuous_of_fungi/
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My brother is terrified of the elevators at work!

So we're taking steps to avoid them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cua3wc/my_brother_is_terrified_of_the_elevators_at_work/
%
Why does a giraffe have a long neck?

So it can reach it's head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cua366/why_does_a_giraffe_have_a_long_neck/
%
What do you call a satanic bone?

A blasfemur!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cua2uo/what_do_you_call_a_satanic_bone/
%
If you're ever attacked by a mob of clowns,

Go straight for the juggler!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cua1y9/if_youre_ever_attacked_by_a_mob_of_clowns/
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Guys late for exam

2 guys drove an hour to a bar from their school at the eve of their exam.
However they got drunk at the bar and didn't drive back. By the time they reach the exam hall, the professor has collected all the papers.
Both guys explained to the professor how one of their car tyre went flat in the middle of the night on their way back. They need to wait for daylight to get someone to change their tyre for them. They ask the professor for a second chance to take the paper.
The professor is sympathetic towards them and tell them to come back to take the paper the next day morning 9am.
Next day, the two guys went to the venue and they are ushered into two separate room.
On the desk, there is a piece of paper and a pen.
Exactly 9am, both guys were told to turn over the paper and there is only one question on the paper.
"Which tyre?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu9xo5/guys_late_for_exam/
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu9v5o/why_did_the_toilet_paper_roll_down_the_hill/
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Uh-oh. I think the object of my desires suspects something.

She's just changed her wifi name to HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu9ogb/uhoh_i_think_the_object_of_my_desires_suspects/
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When a short person says you have nice hair.

You quickly check your zipper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu9o4v/when_a_short_person_says_you_have_nice_hair/
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Buddy walks into a bar...

Buddy walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “What’ll it be, sir?”
Buddy says, “Pour me a double!”
The bartender gives him a double and buddy downs the drink.
Buddy says, “Pour me another double!”
The bartender gives him another double and buddy downs the drink.
Buddy says, “Now, pour me a triple!”
The bartender gives buddy the triple and says, “Here’s your drink, but I wanna know why you’re drinkin’ ‘em so fast!”
Buddy downs the triple and says, “Well, if you have what I have, you’d be drinkin’ ‘em fast too.”
The bartender asks, “Well, what do ya got?”
Buddy says, “I only got 50 cents.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu9m73/buddy_walks_into_a_bar/
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A housewife buys a parrot from a pet store

At the counter, the cashier warns her that the parrot used to live in a brothel and picked up a lot of the language they used.
She takes the parrot back to her house and puts him in a cage. The bird looks around and says "New madame, new house." She's a little surprised, but likes it nonetheless.
Later, her daughters come home from school. The parrot looks at them and says "New madame, new house, new girls." She's shocked to say the least. But, she likes the bird.
After this, her husband, Dave, comes home. As soon as he walks in the door, the parrot looks over and says "Hey Dave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu9hiz/a_housewife_buys_a_parrot_from_a_pet_store/
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For everyone out there who suffers from paranoia and delusions

You’re NOT alone. There’s someone watching you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu9eeo/for_everyone_out_there_who_suffers_from_paranoia/
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Last night I visited a fetishist community website for the first time

Why are there so many dudes called Dom?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu9bvq/last_night_i_visited_a_fetishist_community/
%
Everyone told Sam not to sing

But samsung anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu9189/everyone_told_sam_not_to_sing/
%
My gf asks me,"Honey,do these pants make me look fat?"

"No"I said,"Your fat makes you look fat"
And that's when the fight started

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu9072/my_gf_asks_mehoneydo_these_pants_make_me_look_fat/
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I was running up some stairs that never ended the other day.

It was really good Escher-size.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu8uh5/i_was_running_up_some_stairs_that_never_ended_the/
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This hard ball of ice fell from the sky.

I was like: What the hail?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu8pt1/this_hard_ball_of_ice_fell_from_the_sky/
%
Think Santa’s moving to Seattle this year

Been seeing a lot of rein deer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu8m13/think_santas_moving_to_seattle_this_year/
%
I bought my son a drum set today

My wife was furious but I was ready to face the re-percussions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu8g2l/i_bought_my_son_a_drum_set_today/
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What did one urinal say to the other urinal?

“On a scale of 1 to 10, urinate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu8aat/what_did_one_urinal_say_to_the_other_urinal/
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“Hi, I’d like to donate my organs”

Nurse: “You’ll have to go to the DMV for tha—“
Me: “No, I’m ready now”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu86a8/hi_id_like_to_donate_my_organs/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One says to the other, "I cat believe I just blew 30 bucks in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu847w/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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I told my wife to embrace her mistakes

So she hugged me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu82zh/i_told_my_wife_to_embrace_her_mistakes/
%
A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"
A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f\*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu7oqh/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
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A man wearing a trench coat, with nothing on underneath, walks up to 3 nuns sitting on a park bench. The first 2 nuns were so appalled they gasped and fainted.

The 3rd nun had a stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu7o70/a_man_wearing_a_trench_coat_with_nothing_on/
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I have a special needs daughter, and she hates taking baths.

I don’t blame her.  I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu7o6o/i_have_a_special_needs_daughter_and_she_hates/
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**WARNING: NOT FUNNY AT ALL WILL NOT MAKE YOU LAUGH**

Me: Wanna hear a joke about ghosts?
Friend: sure
Me: Thats the spirit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu7m5h/warning_not_funny_at_all_will_not_make_you_laugh/
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Why can’t you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn’t born yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu75be/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_baby/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

When the
barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front
of the bar to drink it.
As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares
at him.sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the
Devil's drink like that?" she asks
The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey."
"But it's sinful and wicked!"
"How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted
whiskey?"
"Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me
how evil drink is.
"But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?"
They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last,
the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip
of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the
soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by
here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a
teacup?"
The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the
barman
"Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please."
The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts
"Is that damn nun here again!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu74di/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_whiskey/
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I can only cum on my girlfriend’s stomach

My parents told me to ab-stain until marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu73uq/i_can_only_cum_on_my_girlfriends_stomach/
%
A man walks into a bar. He sees another patron and decides to sit down next to him.

A man walks into a bar. He sees one other patron in the bar and decides to sit down next to him. After a few drinks the man starts chatting up the patron.
Eventually, after a few more drinks and conversation, the patron asks the man if he wants to see something really incredible, but that he has to come to he roof of he bar to see it. The man hesitantly agrees and follows him to the room of the bar.
The patron explains to the man that there is a crazy draft of wind that allows someone to jump right off the roof and the gust will blow allowing you to land gently on your feet. In disbelief, the man challenges the patron to show him, to which he happily obliged.
Sure enough, the patron jumps off the roof and at the last second he seems to slow down and gently land on his feet. The man, hesitant to believe what he just witnessed, asks the patron to show him again. After a few more times, the man is finally convinced.
He jumps off the roof, and hits the ground with a splat and dies.
The patron walks calmly back into the bar and sits down and orders another drink. The bartender serves him and just gives him a stern look saying “Superman, you sure are an asshole when you’re drunk”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu72el/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_he_sees_another_patron_and/
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I went to the bookstore and found a book entitled “How to solve 50% of your problems”

So I bought two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu70d1/i_went_to_the_bookstore_and_found_a_book_entitled/
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Where did the boat go when it got sick?

The Doc(k)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu6zs7/where_did_the_boat_go_when_it_got_sick/
%
Told to me 40 years ago, by a 15 YO young lady.

Prospector comes into town.  It's been 20 years since he's seen a woman.  "Barkeep! gimme a whiskey!"  He knocks it back and says, "Barkeep! whadda ya do fer wimmen in this town?"
"Well," the bartender replies,"we got Ole' Joe 'round back ... "
"Whoooooa!  I don't go in fer that kinda shit!"  He goes back to his claim.
20 years later, he comes  back down.  It's been **40** years since he's even *seen* a woman.  "Barkeep! gimme a whiskey!"  He knocks it back and says, "Barkeep! whadda ya do fer wimmen in this town?"
"Well," the bartender replies,"we got Ole' Joe 'round back ... "
"Weeell, I don't usually go in fer that kinda shit, but who'd haveta know?"
"Well, there's you, and me, and, of course, Ole' Joe.  Then, there's the two other guys."
"'Two other guys'?  Whadda they do?"
"They hold Ole' Joe down.  He don't go in fer that kinda shit either!"
\----------------
It's horrible!  I know!  It was horrible when she told me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu6vuy/told_to_me_40_years_ago_by_a_15_yo_young_lady/
%
Kowalski goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream..

”I’m sorry, sir,” says the clerk, ”but we are out of chocolate.”
”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”in that case I will take some chocolate.”
”No, no, sir,” says the clerk, ”you don’t understand. We have run out of chocolate.”
”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”then, just give me some chocolate.”
The clerk looks hard at Kowalski and says, ”Okay! Spell, ‘van’, as in vanilla.”
Kowalski spells ”V-A-N.”
”All right,” says the clerk, ”now spell ‘straw’, as in strawberry.”
Kowalski spells "S-T-R-A-W".
”Good!” says the clerk, ”now, spell ‘fuck’ as in chocolate.”
Kowalski looks puzzled and says, ”But there is no fuck in chocolate.”
”Aha!” shouts the clerk, ”that’s what I have been trying to tell you!”
p/s: I heard this joke for the first time in a transcription of one of OSHO discourses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu6twd/kowalski_goes_into_the_ice_cream_parlor_and/
%
An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"
"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom is?"
"Well it's kinda an emergency pard."(Pard?)
"Well just hang your ass over that log over there.Were ruffin' it today Pard!"
So he does his business but realizes there is no toilet paper.So he asks his guide,"Hey Pard,what do you use to wipe with?
The guide says,"Well,you got a dollar on ya?"
"I do"
"Well,just wipe your ass with that"
He comes back with shit all over himself.Hands,arms,everywhere.
"What the hell man.What happened to you?"
"You try wiping your ass with three quarters,Two dimes and a nickel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu6s5d/an_east_coast_accountant_decides_to_go_hunting/
%
The three unwritten rules...

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu6o24/the_three_unwritten_rules/
%
How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Must be more than nine because my basements still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu6ntv/how_many_dead_babies_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
My wife asked what would I do if we had another kid, I said,

I'd send him to live with his dad.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu6myq/my_wife_asked_what_would_i_do_if_we_had_another/
%
A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.
-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?
-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!
-Well, how did you get the hook hand?
-Yar, had me a swashbuckling accident!
-Wow! Well what about the eye patch?
-A seagull pooped in me eye.
"What?" Asks the bartender. "How did you lose your eye from seagull poop?"
"Yar, t'were me first day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu68l3/a_grizzled_old_sea_captain_walks_into_a_bar_he/
%
My favorite uncle told this joke about a week before he passed away. He did it with a thick Irish brogue.

A priest and a nun were talking and the priest said, “Sister, if you hadn’t been a nun what do think you would have been?” The nun thought for a minute and said, “If I hadn’t been a nun I probably would have been a prostitute.” The priest was shocked and said, “Now sister I don’t think I heard you quite right. I’ll ask you again. If you hadn’t been a nun what would you have done with your life?” The nun turned to him and said, “Father if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times if I hadn’t been a nun I would’ve been a prostitute.” The priest said, “Oh thank me stars. For a minute I thought I heard you say you would have been a Protestant.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu689e/my_favorite_uncle_told_this_joke_about_a_week/
%
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink. Downs it really quickly. Orders another. Downs that one too.

The bartender says "Hey, buddy, are you okay?"
The man says "No, honestly, I'm not. I wanted to surprise my wife, and... I caught her in bed with another man."
The bartender says "Oh, man, that's awful! What are you going to do?"
The man: "I'm gonna drink myself to death. I just want to die."
Bartender: "That's not what I'd do. If I caught another man with my wife, I'd kill the bastard."
The man: "Hey, that's it! Thanks!"
The man leaves, and comes back an hour later. The bartender asks "So, did you do it? Did you kill the guy?"
The man, big smile on his face, says "No, I fucked your wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu665x/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_orders_a_drink_downs_it/
%
I got fired from the calendar factory.

I don't understand why, all I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu63q6/i_got_fired_from_the_calendar_factory/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu60jr/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
A waiter is working and sees Jesus come in

Waiter: “Hello sir, welcome to our restaurant! What can I get for you?”
Jesus: “Hello Matthew. Today I would like a steak please.”
Waiter: “How did you... oh right, you’re Jesus! Duh. Anyways, how would you like that?”
Jesus: “Well done, good and faithful servant”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu6041/a_waiter_is_working_and_sees_jesus_come_in/
%
If I had a hundred dollars for every gender

I'd have $200 and a bunch of counterfeits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu5y0i/if_i_had_a_hundred_dollars_for_every_gender/
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Mandatory Attendance

A drunkard walking on the street, is approached by the police at 3:00 AM.
The policeman asks: "Where are you going at this hour?"
The drunkard answers:
"I am going to attend a conference on alcohol abuse and the lethal effects on the body, the bad example it creates on children, the harmful consequences for the family, The problem it causes to the family economy, ... in addition to being an absolute irresponsibility."
The surprised policeman says:
"Really? Who will give this lecture at this time of night?"
"My wife ... as soon as I get home‼"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu5xe0/mandatory_attendance/
%
So I tried donating blood the other day, but left after they bothered me with all those questions.

Like "where did you get this blood?" or "why is there so much?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu5woa/so_i_tried_donating_blood_the_other_day_but_left/
%
An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.

The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:
“Where were you on the night of October to April?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu5v38/an_alaskan_was_on_trial_in_anchorage/
%
My twin brother called me from prison.

He said, “So you know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu5uiz/my_twin_brother_called_me_from_prison/
%
Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be 2, but now it's a sensitive subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu5tdw/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks

“Is this stool taken?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu5ll0/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
%
A guy drives up to a diner in a Tesla...

Dressed to the 9s, and clearly not hurting for money. He gets out of the car and is accompanied by an ostrich and a cat. The unlikely trio go into the diner and find a place to sit. When the waitress comes to take their order, the man orders the meatloaf, the ostrich also orders the meatloaf, and the cat orders the tuna while reminding the man that he (the man) will be paying for the meal. The man agrees, and the order is put in. The waitress brings the food and asks if there’s anything else that’s needed. The man says no, so does the ostrich, and the cat once again reminds the man that he’s paying, and orders a side dish.
At the end of the meal, the bill is brought. The man looks at it, is reminded that the cat isn’t paying, reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change plus the perfect tip. The waitress can’t contain her curiosity any longer and asks the man what exactly is going on.
“Well,” said the man, “years ago I was walking along the beach and came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out. He gave me 3 wishes. My first wish was that whenever I wanted to buy something, I just had to reach into my pocket and the exact amount would come out, plus appropriate tip.”
The waitress was amazed. “What about the other two wishes?”
The man gestured to his animal companions. “I wished for a chick with long legs who agreed with everything I said, and a tight pussy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu5iv7/a_guy_drives_up_to_a_diner_in_a_tesla/
%
I'll tell you what I know about midgets

Very little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu5fp4/ill_tell_you_what_i_know_about_midgets/
%
I walked on my grandma sucking my grandpa's dick

Which surprised me because I thought they buried it with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu591v/i_walked_on_my_grandma_sucking_my_grandpas_dick/
%
A man walks into a bar...

He orders three shots of whisky. “Dang,” says the bartender. “Three is a lot. Is everything ok?”
The man responds, “ I just found out that my brother is gay.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the bartender, and he served the man his drinks.
The next day, the man walks into a bar and orders five shots of whiskey.
“Geez,” responds the bartender. “That’s even more than yesterday. What happened today?”
“I found out that my son is gay,” says the man.
The third day the man walks in and orders ten shots of whiskey.
“Does anyone in your family like women?!?!?” Asks the bartender.
“My wife does “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu57ja/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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When it started raining my girlfriend couldn’t help starring intently through the window.

I didn’t care though i wasn’t going to let her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu57j5/when_it_started_raining_my_girlfriend_couldnt/
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A farmer goes off to market

He goes to the first stall and picks up 2 chickens, "How am I supposed to get these home?"
"Put a chicken under each arm."
He goes to get an anvil and a bucket from the blacksmith, "How am I supposed to get this home?"
"Put a chicken under each arm and put the anvil in the bucket."
Off he goes again and this time he buys a goose, "How am I supposed to get all this home?
"Put a chicken under each arm, put the anvil and the goose in the bucket."
On his way back from the market he meets a beautiful young woman, she stops him and asks if he'd be so kind as to escort here towards her home, the farmer agrees and off they go, as they head towards her house ththey come to an alleyway, "Oh I hope you are a kind gentleman and when we go down this alleyway you wont rape me." says the woman
"I'm holding 2 chickens, an anvil, a goose and a bucket how ever would I do that?"
"Put the goose under the bucket, put the anvil on the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu57et/a_farmer_goes_off_to_market/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change the lightbulb in my basement?

...Well, it's not 5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu54ak/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_the/
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“Doctor, I keep having terrible flashbacks when I listen to Korean pop music.”

“Thats a clear case of BTS-D.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu52np/doctor_i_keep_having_terrible_flashbacks_when_i/
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A person gets stabbed every 30 minutes in London

Poor guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu52k1/a_person_gets_stabbed_every_30_minutes_in_london/
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I’ve started deliberately getting hard before taking a leak. It helps me avoid getting any on the seat or floor.

You could say I please to aim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu51hf/ive_started_deliberately_getting_hard_before/
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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two....one to turn the bulb and the other to hold the penis...LADDER!!!...I said ladder..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu4sbm/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Four guys are driving on a long road trip. It's the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere.

The guy from Idaho takes out a sack of potatoes and starts throwing them out the window one by one.
"What the hell are you doing?", someone asks. "Look, we've got so many potatoes in Idaho. I mean, we're overflowing with them. So whenever I travel I'm supposed to get rid of as many as I can."
"That's not a bad idea," says the guy from Iowa. He produces a bag of corn and starts throwing them out the window one at a time.
A moment later the guy from Austin opens the door and pushes out the guy from California.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu4feg/four_guys_are_driving_on_a_long_road_trip_its_the/
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What’s the best type of cheese in the upside down?

Demogorgonzola

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu4abe/whats_the_best_type_of_cheese_in_the_upside_down/
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A reporter walks into a bar...

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.
"Best day? Well, that must've been the day that Old Man Jones asked me for help. You see, his pretty little wife had wandered out and gotten lost in the bayou. So we put together a search party and went looking for her. Just before sundown, we found her..."
This is great, thinks the reporter.
".. and then we all fucked her. Best damn day of my life."
"Holy shit," yells the reporter, "that's terrible. I can't print that. Here, have another drink, and tell me about the second-best day of your life."
"Second-best, huh? That might've been the day Jim Bob's prize hog broke out of its pen and got lost in the bayou. He was mighty attached to that hog, so we put together a search party and went looking. Just before sunset we found it. Then, we all fucked it. Not as great as Mrs. Jones, but pretty damn good."
"Damn it, man, I can't possibly print that story," says the reporter despairingly. He decides on a different tack. "How about another drink, and you tell me about the worst day of your life?"
Hillbilly's face falls. "Worst day of my life? Well, that had to be the day I got lost in the bayou..."
Edit -- My first gold! It's like the 3rd best day of my life!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu46uj/a_reporter_walks_into_a_bar/
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I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes.

Heinz sight is not all its cracked up to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu45w7/i_regret_rubbing_ketchup_in_my_eyes/
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A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."
So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"
And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear."
"Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole."
"Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?"
"I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her."
"Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?"
"Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu45vi/a_little_girl_says_to_her_mother_mummy_when_you/
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What did the Pie scientist use for their experiment?

A peach tree dish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu40xm/what_did_the_pie_scientist_use_for_their/
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Three construction workers on a roof...

Three construction workers eat lunch together every day at the top of the building they work together on; one was Scottish, one was Chinese, one was Italian.
One day the Italian worker opened his lunch sighed, and said, “Ugh pasta. I am so sick of pasta. If I get pasta in my lunch one more time I’m going to jump off this roof!”
The Chinese man opened his lunch, sighed and said, “Ugh dumplings. I am so sick of dumplings. If I get dumplings in my lunch one more time I’m going to jump off this roof!”
The Scottish man opened his lunch, sighed and said, “Ugh haggis. I am so sick of haggis. If I get haggis in my lunch one more time I’m going to jump off this roof!”
The next day the three men meet on the roof to share lunch again.
The Italian man opens his lunch, yells “Not fucking pasta again! That’s it!” And leaps off the roof to his death.
The Chinese man opens his lunch, yells “Not fucking dumplings again! That’s it!” And leaps off the roof to his death.
The Scottish man opens his lunch, yells “Not fucking haggis again! That’s it!” And leaps off the roof to his death.
Later that day the three bodies are surrounded by police, onlookers, and the three men’s wives.
The Italian man’s wife sobs, “If only I had known he hated pasta so much, I would never have packed it for him!”
The Chinese man’s wife sobs, “If only I had known he hated dumplings so much, I would never have packed it for him!”
The Scottish man’s wife stares and says, “I don’t know what his problem was..... he always packs his own lunch....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu3wbe/three_construction_workers_on_a_roof/
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My Chinese friend, Chang, invited me to his house for dinner

While at his house, I finally have the courage to ask him a question that's been on my mind:
"Hey Chang, don't Chinese people get bothered when others think you all look the same?"
He replies: "Chang is in the bathroom, I'm his wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu3w6z/my_chinese_friend_chang_invited_me_to_his_house/
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A lady walks into a bar...

A lady walks into a bar. A man is sitting at the bar and reaches into his bag to pay his tab and the woman notices it’s clearly overflowing with cash.
Intrigued, she asks the man where he had come across such a large sum. He holds up one finger, reaches once again into his bag, digs through the pile of cash, and pulls out a tiny man who stands one foot tall along with a tiny piano just his size. The tiny man proceeds to sit down at the piano, crack his knuckles, and play the most beautiful, harmonious tune the woman had ever heard. He finishes his song, gets up and hops right back in the bag.
Dumbfounded, the woman asks the man where in the world he had located such a talented act, to which he once again responds by holding up a single finger, and digging deep in his bag. This time he pulls out a magical lamp, and says that a genie lives inside who will grant a single wish.
The woman is overwhelmed with excitement, grabs the lamp, and rubs it vigorously until a genie emerges. She immediately shouts out, “I WISH FOR 10 MILLION BUCKS!”. The genie nods, disappears, and suddenly 10 million quacking ducks come waddling into the bar one by one.
Frustrated, the woman exclaims to the man, “I wished for a million BUCKS! What is THIS??”, and the man replies, “I believe that the genie is hard of hearing... you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu3w2t/a_lady_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

Same time next month?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu3tx7/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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What do you call a telescope that can't stop running into stuff?

A kaleidoscope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu3thw/what_do_you_call_a_telescope_that_cant_stop/
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What do you call the fries at the bottom of the bag you find after finishing your food, wishing there were more?

Consolation frize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu3qj9/what_do_you_call_the_fries_at_the_bottom_of_the/
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My flat earther friend decided to prove his theory by walking to the end of the world

In the end, he came around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu3ple/my_flat_earther_friend_decided_to_prove_his/
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A father asks his 13year-old son what does he want to be when he grows up.

His son says "A pizza delivery guy or a plumber."
The dad says "Stop watching so much porn, son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu3orv/a_father_asks_his_13yearold_son_what_does_he_want/
%
I bought a toilet brush yesterday

But I gotta say I still prefer toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu3n1h/i_bought_a_toilet_brush_yesterday/
%
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety

You are not alone there's someone behind you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu3l25/to_everyone_out_there_suffering_from_anxiety/
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What is it called when you compare glutes and chest muscles?

Ass-Pec Ratio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu3cyj/what_is_it_called_when_you_compare_glutes_and/
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Laughlin cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Laughlin, Nevada  for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Laughlin and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu3crk/laughlin_cabbie/
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three bulls walk in a field

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu38j6/three_bulls_walk_in_a_field/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a double scotch.

After he finishes his drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket and then asks the bartender for another double scotch. When he finishes that, he again peaks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring yet another double scotch. The bartender says “ look buddy, I’ll pour your drinks all night long. But tell me why you keep looking inside your shirt pocket before ordering a refill.” The man replies, “ I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts looking good, I know it’s time to go home.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu38id/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_double_scotch/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch...

The bartender pours the drink and the man downs it in one gulp. He slams the glass on the bar and says "Pour me another!"
The bartender says, "Woah, man. That's a pretty stiff drink I just gave you. Why don't you tell me what's going on?"
The man says, "Well, I came home from work today and found my wife in bed with my best friend and I'm fucking livid about it!"
The bartender says, "Wow! That sucks. Whatever did you do?"
"I told that bitch to get out of my house and that I never wanted to see her again."
"Seems fitting, given the circumstances. What about your best friend?"
"Well, I looked that little shit right in the eye and said, 'Bad dog! Go lay down!'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu2zs1/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_triple_scotch/
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Where did the Mexican man hide when he was scared?

Hispanic room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu2xpr/where_did_the_mexican_man_hide_when_he_was_scared/
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A man walks into a psychiatrist wearing Saran Wrap pants.

The man says, “Doctor, I think I’m crazy”
The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu2xiy/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrist_wearing_saran/
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A pun walks into the bar and 10 people drop dead

Pun in, ten dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu2usn/a_pun_walks_into_the_bar_and_10_people_drop_dead/
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A man walks into a bar

And stays there for my entire childhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu2sqx/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb.

I just can't part with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu2l5y/even_though_ive_gone_bald_i_still_keep_my_comb/
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A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam join each other for a game of golf

The game is going well and all 3 are pretty even. On the 16th hole, the Rabbi drops it into a water hazard.
“Oh God, Come on!” He says, but immediately asks for forgiveness.
On the 17th hole, the Iman lines up a drive but shanks it wildly.
“God damn it!!!” He exclaims, but quickly gets on his knees and prays for forgiveness.
On the 18th hole, the Priest lines up for the winning putt but misses.
“Son of a bitch God damn and I mean it!”
A lightning bolt comes from the sky and strikes the Rabbi.
“God Damn it” thunders the sky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu2jtj/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_an_imam_join_each_other_for/
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Why do Hong Kong Police wake up so early?

So they can beat the crowds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu2goh/why_do_hong_kong_police_wake_up_so_early/
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My friends think that I’m addicted to brake fluid.

But I can stop anytime I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu2gbz/my_friends_think_that_im_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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I've been posting my resume online while I was asleep;

hoping to get my dream job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu2d4s/ive_been_posting_my_resume_online_while_i_was/
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A priest, a Baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar

A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and start getting sloshed.
They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best. They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.
So the next day they all go out into the wood to try and meet up again at the bar that night.
The priest comes in with a broken arm and scratches all over his body and smilingly says: "I had to run around the bear and read him the entire Bible but he saw the light and he was converted."
The baptist is on crutches with two broken legs and a broken arm and his head all bandaged. He says: "I had to wrestle that bear to the ground and baptize him in the stream but he saw the light and he was converted, hallelujah!"
Then the Rabbi gets wheeled in in a full body cast. He says: "Ya know, in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have started with circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu29na/a_priest_a_baptist_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_bar/
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I don’t have a drinking problem

The drinking part I have mastered it’s the stopping part that gets me every time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu2865/i_dont_have_a_drinking_problem/
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Jeff Bezos at a meeting:

"We might have to hold up on the release of the new Amazon Fire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu27tl/jeff_bezos_at_a_meeting/
%
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink...

The bartender yells at him, "Hey string, we don't serve your kind here! Get the hell out!" Dejected, the string walks out if the bar, ties himself in a knot, tussles up his hair, and walks back in to order a drink again. The bartender sees him and says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu25t5/a_piece_of_string_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a/
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Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl.

Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu22ip/today_i_went_for_a_walk_with_a_beautiful_girl/
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Why was the pirate army of 100 men at 4/5 strength?

They could only afford to arr matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu227z/why_was_the_pirate_army_of_100_men_at_45_strength/
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Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that was just a coincidence, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu1u66/two_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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I hate how woman always look at me like i'm a piece of meat

and feel the need to roast me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu1tlr/i_hate_how_woman_always_look_at_me_like_im_a/
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"The Unbeatable Bar Challenge!!!"

...the disheveled, homeless drunk read on the poster taped up on the bar door. It continued:
**Complete each of the bar's**
**four IMPOSSIBLE challenges to win**
**a round of 10 drinks each!**
Complete ALL four challenges at once and win...
DRINKS FOR LIFE!!!
Inquire within for details.
The drunk straightened up his nonexistent tie, licked his palm to slick back his hair, and walked right through the door, past the plethora of patrons, and straight up to the bar.
The bartender, who was busy cleaning glasses, took one look at the bum, and asked, "So I take it you're here about the challenge?"
The bum nodded, hiccuped, and slurred out, "Yesshuree, I shure am!"
The bartender rolled his eyes, then explained, "Alright, each of the challenges nets you ten drinks. If you manage to do all four challenges before we close up for the night, you'll be swimming in more alcohol then you'll know what to do with. For the first challenge, you'll need to nail this railroad spike," as he picked up a 12-incher from behind the bar and placed it on the counter, "into the sticking post in the men's room with any of the eggs from the pickle jar. Afterwards, you'll need to climb up to the rooftop of this building. From there, you'll have to piss into one of our shotglasses left on ground level and fill it up to the brim. Then, there's Rocky, the rottweiler in the yard out back. You'll need to pull the thorn out of his paw, and he doesn't much like strangers. Finally, you'll be going upstairs where you'll find my grandmother, this town's most insatiable, randy woman in the past sixty years. If you can give her the best fucking of her life, you'll win your prize."
By this point, the entire bar establishment had gathered to see if the old coot will follow through with the challenges. With a smirk on his face, he immediately snatched up the railroad spike, reached barehanded into the pickle jar to yank out an egg, and marched straight into the lavatory, where he was followed by a few male patrons to witness the act. The restroom erupted with cheers, hollers, and hoots interspersed with the old man's "goddammit"s, "shiiiit"s, and "ah fucking hell"s. Eventually a unified cheer erupted within the small area of the bar and the old man walked out with one egg-covered, bloody stump of a hand and a wide smile.
He marched back over to the bar, tapped the bartop, and said, "My drinkssh, pleeash..."
The bartender poured out ten shots of the cheapest swill he carried and the drunk downed 'em as quickly as they were poured without crossing his eyes. He kept the final shotglass in hand as he made his way out the front door. A vast majority of the bar followed him out, starting up a rhythmic chant to keep him going. You could tell from within the bar that it must have been going well, since the rhythm of the chant picked up more and more after awhile and ended with another unified cheer.
The old drunk stumbled back in and, wordlessly, pointed his finger on top of the bar again. The bartender set up another ten shots and the drunk gulped down all ten. The entire bar was erupting with cheers at this point. The drunk then took a deep breath and barely kept himself upright as he veritably flopped out the back door, naturally followed by almost the entire bar at this point. However, once in the yard, instead of the usual cheers that occurred, there was a smattering of "oooh"s and "uuuuhhhh"s, interjected by occasional "what the fuck"s. There could be heard, between the reactions of the crowd, the growls and snarls of a wild beast, followed by loud yelps and extremely loud whimpering. Eventually, hushed silence followed and some of the patrons preceded the stumbling, old drunk into the bar as they dove straight for the restrooms, covering the vomit in their mouths.
The drunk, now covered in scrapes, scratches, and abrasions, pointed to the bar again as the bartender already began lining up glasses and pouring shots for him to down. Once the last shot had been drank, and everyone was certain the old man wouldn't keel over or pass out, he managed to half speak, half belch...
"Now, where's that old bitch with the thorn in her paw?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu1qe7/the_unbeatable_bar_challenge/
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What do you call a suicidal, hypochondriac?

Disappointed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu1q8r/what_do_you_call_a_suicidal_hypochondriac/
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Dave and Jim are golfing.

Ahead of them are two women.  They're not bad, but not playing as fast as the two men, just enjoying the day.
Dave says, "Go up there and ask if we can play through."
Jim climbs a rise to the next tee, then immediately runs back.  "I can't talk to them!  One of them is my wife and the other is my girlfriend."
"No worries, Buddy, I'll go." But Dave runs back even faster.
"Small world, isn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu1om9/dave_and_jim_are_golfing/
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Bullying

As I was walking home from school, I saw a kid getting bullied by three other kids, so I decided to help. I knew he wouldn’t stand a chance against the four of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu1lan/bullying/
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If you masturbate while smoking marijuana...

Is it called masturblazing or weed-whacking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu1imw/if_you_masturbate_while_smoking_marijuana/
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Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock.

The clock struck one.....The others escaped with minor injuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu1i11/hickory_dickory_dock_three_mice_ran_up_the_clock/
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A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...

So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.
"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"
"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.
About an hour later the man arrives to work looking like he feels pretty good.
"See!" says the boss. "I told that would probably work!"
"Yup - I gotta admit, you were right! You have a beautiful home, by the way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu1aql/a_man_doesnt_feel_well_and_wants_to_callin_sick/
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The only B word you should refer to a woman as, is beautiful.

Bitches love to be called beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu165b/the_only_b_word_you_should_refer_to_a_woman_as_is/
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How do you support a werewolf's YouTube channel?

Lycan subscribe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu1435/how_do_you_support_a_werewolfs_youtube_channel/
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3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.
Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."
As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispers in his ear before leaving.
Judge: "It also happens to be my wife's birthday and she is requesting that I give you each 1 request before your lashings."
So the black man approaches the judge.
BM: "I want a pillow strapped to my back."
Judge: "Fair enough."
A pillow is tied to the man's back and he receives 10 lashings before the pillow breaks. He proceeds to scream in agony as the last 10 lashings are carried out. He is then dragged away. The white man then walks up to the judge.
WM: "I'd like 2 pillows strapped to my back."
Judge: "Makes sense."
2 pillows are then tied to the man's back and he receives 15 lashing before both the pillows have broken. He let's out a blood curdling scream each of the last 5 lashings before being dragged out. The native man then goes before the judge.
Judge: "Where are you from?"
NM: "I'm from Canada. I'm Native."
Judge: "You know, I've heard a lot about the native culture and I've always been interested to know if it's true that native people are as brave as I've heard. In fact, as it's my first time ever meeting a native person, I'm going to give you 2 requests. So what's your first?"
NM: "I want 100 lashings."
Judge: "Well that certainly is very brave of you. What's your second request?"
NM: "I want that white guy strapped to my back."
tl:dr Native man wants 100 lashing and the white guy strapped to his back.
Note: An elder told me this joke many years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu0v2g/3_men_are_caught_smuggling_alcohol_into_saudi/
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu0tbj/before_you_criticize_someone_you_should_walk_a/
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I was once a part of a nine-member sex cult who aimed to please this one main red-hot guy. I was then kicked out from it but my life still revolves around the main guy and I remain friends with the others.

Guess my relationship with them is Plutonic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu0od9/i_was_once_a_part_of_a_ninemember_sex_cult_who/
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You'd think a snail would be quicker without a shell

But i disagree, it would just be a little more sluggish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu0mqd/youd_think_a_snail_would_be_quicker_without_a/
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What does the Trump administration use instead of emails?

Alternative fax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu0lse/what_does_the_trump_administration_use_instead_of/
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A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"
The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barely enough for the frog to free himself.
He dusts himself off. "Thanks, lady! I really appreciate it!" and he begins to hop away.
"Wait a minute!" she shouts, "What about my three wishes?"
"Ah, yes... well... you see..." the frog hesitates, "There's a small catch. You probably won't be interested anymore."
"What is it?"
"Anything you wish for, your husband shall receive 10x or better. Sorry. I don't make the rules."
The woman considers this, and then decides that this is acceptable.
"For my first wish, I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world!"
The frog looks at her. "Listen," he says, "I can make it happen, but your husband is going to be about ten times as handsome as you are beautiful. All of the women will swoon after him. He'll be bombarded with attention for the rest of his life, and that can lead to problems in your marriage."
"It's fine," the woman says confidently, "Because if I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, he will only have eyes for me."
"Well... alright..." and the frog snaps its little webby fingers and POOF! The woman runs to a nearby stream and looks at her reflection. She is a walking Aphrodite, absolutely gorgeous.
She turns back to the frog.
"For my second wish, I would like to be the richest woman in the world."
The frog hesitates. "Explain this one to me." he says. "Your husband will be ten times as rich as you are."
"We are a team. A couple. What's mine is his and what's his is mine."
The frog snaps his little froggy fingers and POOF. She pulls out her phone, opens her banking account, and watches as the money pours in.
"I'm curious," the frog says, "What is your third wish going to be?"
The woman looks up from her phone and says, "I would like a mild heart attack, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu0j9j/a_woman_is_out_golfing_when_she_hits_her_golf/
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I first heard this one different (read racist) but I think I fixed it

A family of a well known rapper are sitting at the table. Mom, dad and a small child in a high chair.
Suddenly, the child focuses a lot and with effort says: "Mother."
"Look!" exclaims the rapper. "He can say half a word!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu0ijm/i_first_heard_this_one_different_read_racist_but/
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Why does a snail never sell its home?

Because once they sell it, it goes into escargot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu0gt0/why_does_a_snail_never_sell_its_home/
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An English fighter pilot is talking to a class after WWII

He's telling them about the Battle of Britain. He says "Well there were Fokkers to the left of us and Fokkers to the right of us..."
The Teacher interrupts him to speak to the class, "Now might be a good time," she says, "to remind the class that Fokker was a German aircraft manufacturer.
"Yes," The pilot says sagely, "But these Fokkers were Messerschmitts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu09ok/an_english_fighter_pilot_is_talking_to_a_class/
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I recently started seeing someone!

The doctor has since put me on medication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu06vy/i_recently_started_seeing_someone/
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Found on AskReddit

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar and begin drinking. Soon they noticed a large glass vase of gold coins in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for.
The Barman told then: "that is there is the prize for anyone who can 1:Drink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes; 2:Go into that room over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lions foot; 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman".
The Prize money was too much for the men to pass over so they agreed to try.
The Englishman goes first, but after only half the tequila he collapses drunk.
The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lions room. The door is closed and there is a massive scream and soon afterwards he stumbles back out of the room with his hand bitten off.
The Irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lions room. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are massive screams and shouts coming from behind the door, screams which last for nearly ten minutes... There is banging up against the sides of the door and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered,bleeding and torn - "now" he says "where is that lady with the thorn in her foot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu03f0/found_on_askreddit/
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A man with authority walks into a bar.

He orders everybody around.
(Must admit this is a re-post from another thread I read that made me chuckle)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu02d1/a_man_with_authority_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why isn't Jesus good at playing hockey?

He's always getting nailed to the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu01uk/why_isnt_jesus_good_at_playing_hockey/
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"Homework!"

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cu01ol/homework/
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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".
^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctzybz/nsfw_a_guy_is_sunbathing_on_the_beach_wearing/
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Classic Reddit joke.

A chicken walks into a library an says to the librarian: Book, book, book. The librarian hands the chicken three books. On the way out, the chicken runs into a frog. The chicken shows the books to the frog and says:Book, book, book."
The frog replies: Reddit,redit, redit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctzw0n/classic_reddit_joke/
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Non-alcoholic drinks....

It’s like licking your sisters pussy. It tastes the same but it’s just not right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctzmfa/nonalcoholic_drinks/
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gynecologists

The French gynecologist: I've got yesterday a lady with a clitoris like a watermelon!
The English gynecologist: That's impossible! She couldn't have walked given such dimensions!
The French gynecologyst: You the English lot are thinking only about dimensions! I was referring to the taste!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctzlx1/gynecologists/
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There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctzjdk/theres_a_new_type_of_heroin_on_the_market_thats/
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What did the trans man say after finally telling his parents about his surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctzi58/what_did_the_trans_man_say_after_finally_telling/
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Two gods walked into a bar...

After taking couple of shots, looking at the region of map with highly raised mountain structures.
God 1: How about we name a country 'Nipple'?
God 2: But you can't name a country 'Nipple'. Its offensive.
God 1: How about Nepal?
God gets everything right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctzciw/two_gods_walked_into_a_bar/
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Trump did the country a huge favour

He showed us all what can happen if you don’t vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctz6k7/trump_did_the_country_a_huge_favour/
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People with glasses must be excited for next year

It’ll be the first that they’ll see 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctz1tp/people_with_glasses_must_be_excited_for_next_year/
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A stripper walks into a tattoo parlor...

...And asks the guy if he’ll go tit-for-tat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctytir/a_stripper_walks_into_a_tattoo_parlor/
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Did you hear about the guy who won the world handjob championship?

It was close, but he managed to beat off some stiff competition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctyq9d/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_won_the_world/
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Curious cashier

Two little boys go into the grocery store.  One is nine, one is four.  The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either." The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?" The nine year old says "They’re for my four year old little brother." The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother?" The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctyex3/curious_cashier/
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Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old

Those are the years you are in your prime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctycln/nothings_better_than_being_2_3_5_7_11_13_17_19_23/
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Did y'all here about the Colombian Hank Hill?

He sells cocaine and cocaine accessories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cty966/did_yall_here_about_the_colombian_hank_hill/
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I came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition

It was close, but no cigar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cty8xx/i_came_second_in_a_winston_churchill_lookalike/
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You know what they say about Alabama?

It's all relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cty6pt/you_know_what_they_say_about_alabama/
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I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).
Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans, and worst of all, those folding paper fans. Frankly, it was terrifying, but our nerves were steeled from years of spy training. Remaining calm we stayed hidden under the blankets gathering intel.
But suddenly, from out of nowhere, I could hear my partner shout in horror and run past my hiding spot towards the store’s exit.
I feared the worst. Was he okay? Had a fan discovered his location? Frightened and confused by his hasty escape, I contacted him through my earpiece. “What’s wrong?! Why didn’t you stay in your bed?!”
Panting in fear, he responded. “My cover’s been blown!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cty0i9/i_recall_the_time_years_ago_when_my_friend_and_i/
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What's forbidden to diabetic vampires

sweethearts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctxwir/whats_forbidden_to_diabetic_vampires/
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Met this girl named Amina

She turned out to be acid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctxv59/met_this_girl_named_amina/
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What do vegans and introverts have in common?

Both avoid meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctxtwr/what_do_vegans_and_introverts_have_in_common/
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Where does a pirate stay while on vacation?

Arrbnb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctxrnv/where_does_a_pirate_stay_while_on_vacation/
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What's President Trump's favorite store to shop at?

Wall-mart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctxm1w/whats_president_trumps_favorite_store_to_shop_at/
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When one door closes, another one opens.

Other than that it's a pretty good car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctxl82/when_one_door_closes_another_one_opens/
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During WWI, an English fighter pilot is shot down over Germany

...the accident is terrible, and he wakes up as a prisoner in the hospital, badly injured.  The German Dr. arrives: " Ve haf bad news - ve haf to amputate your arm".
The English pilot responds: "Oh no, that's bloody unfortunate.  Can you do me a favor, - have one of your pilots drop it off over my country of England; I'd feel better knowing it will rest on home soil".  "Ya, OK, ve do zis for you" replies the Dr.
A week later, the German Dr. returns: "Ve haf more bad news - now ve haf to amputate your leg".  "Bloody hell" replies the Englishman "Please please - have one of your pilots drops it over jolly ol' England for me, it would mean a lot to me".  The German Dr. hesitates, but reluctantly agrees...
A week later, the German Dr. again visits the prisoner: "Now ve haf to amputate ze ozzer arm".  Despondent, the Englishman asks for the same favor...the German Dr. suddenly shouts "Nein!  Ve do zis no more!  Ve zink you're trying to escape!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctxju8/during_wwi_an_english_fighter_pilot_is_shot_down/
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If a woman tells me she just wants to be friends

... I say, "Okay, but I get to be Chandler"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctxgwp/if_a_woman_tells_me_she_just_wants_to_be_friends/
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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctxeg3/a_monkey_is_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint/
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I traded my countertop for a new marble one, but now I miss my old one.

It's like they always say, never take anything for granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctxcym/i_traded_my_countertop_for_a_new_marble_one_but/
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Did you hear about the man that fell into the upholstery machine?

Thankfully, he's fully recovered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctxavt/did_you_hear_about_the_man_that_fell_into_the/
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Why did the obese couple broke up?

Because they simply are not working out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctx9c1/why_did_the_obese_couple_broke_up/
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Why are people who work in a fish shop mean?

Their job makes them sell fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctx7g0/why_are_people_who_work_in_a_fish_shop_mean/
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I wear diapers for 2 reasons

For number 1 and for number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctx4x8/i_wear_diapers_for_2_reasons/
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A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.
But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole life and even had a few kids of her own.
One day when the kids were out playing in the park they found an abandoned puppy. They decided to take it with them. Knowing their mother would not approve of it, they named it 'This' so that they can talk about it in front of their mom, without her knowing. They would say 'Let's take This outside' and things like that.
One day while the kids weren't paying attention, This ran out of the house and gets hit by a car. This eventually dies but the kids don't tell anyone. No one knew or remembered This.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctx4b1/a_woman_had_a_100_children/
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Why did the garden divorce the field?

He caught her being plowed by a hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctx3ur/why_did_the_garden_divorce_the_field/
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I'd much rather live in Norway than Denmark so I don't have to switch insurance providers.

Denmark doesn't have a Blue Cross as far as I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctwz4d/id_much_rather_live_in_norway_than_denmark_so_i/
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So a man and his friend walk into a bar. The first man asks the bartender, “I’ll have some H20”. The second man then says, “I’ll have some H20 too”

The second man died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctwvva/so_a_man_and_his_friend_walk_into_a_bar_the_first/
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The president...

The president is walking out of the White House and heading towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent's supervisors take him aside and ask, "what in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse?'" Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout, Donald, duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctwptv/the_president/
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Why was the broom late to the party?

It overswept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctwoxy/why_was_the_broom_late_to_the_party/
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Two men are planning to take a trip to Russia

"Now, when we're there, remember that in Russia it's culturally inappropriate to be gay."
"You mean happy or homosexual?"
"Yes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctwiwb/two_men_are_planning_to_take_a_trip_to_russia/
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I need help with my sewing

Whoops, wrong thread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctwiu7/i_need_help_with_my_sewing/
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Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions?

I'll let you be the judge of that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctwg38/do_i_enjoy_randomly_appointing_people_to_judicial/
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A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”
The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”
Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”
Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?”
Tommy said, “I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctwd9x/a_young_guy_called_tommy_bought_a_horse_from_a/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They would eventually find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctwcy1/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.

Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--
Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctwcnd/patient_i_get_scared_every_time_i_think_of_big/
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How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, but you’d need a pretty big bulb to fit them in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctwc4j/how_many_teenagers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One you see later and the other one you will see in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctw7pn/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_an/
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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden! That's where the bodies are buried. Love Vinnie"
At 4 am next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from this son.
"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctw6yh/an_old_italian_gentleman_wanted_to_plant_his/
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What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?

You gonna eat that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctw55m/what_did_jeffrey_dahmer_say_to_lorena_bobbitt/
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What do you call the diabolical leader of a school of tuna?

A fiendish dean fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctw4e0/what_do_you_call_the_diabolical_leader_of_a/
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At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise”.

It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctvwkb/at_work_my_colleagues_have_given_me_the_nickname/
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How do you call a group of crows?

A crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctvqm1/how_do_you_call_a_group_of_crows/
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What do you call a sex worker that cant please a client?

Whore-ible :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctvoq6/what_do_you_call_a_sex_worker_that_cant_please_a/
%
Two fish in a tank..

...one says "you drive, I'll man the guns".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctvj9z/two_fish_in_a_tank/
%
What is a lewd ghost's favourite type of tea?

Boo - tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctvg81/what_is_a_lewd_ghosts_favourite_type_of_tea/
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I prayed to god to have the best chess skills in the world

Checkmate atheists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctv8h0/i_prayed_to_god_to_have_the_best_chess_skills_in/
%
My wife and I are really into S&M.

She snores, I masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctv5ne/my_wife_and_i_are_really_into_sm/
%
The Amazon fire isn't that bad.

Sure it's not as good as a Chrome Cast but I still manage to watch Netflix on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctv2t3/the_amazon_fire_isnt_that_bad/
%
I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctuyix/i_was_pulled_over_last_night_and_the_officer/
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I'm so depressed because everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen...

Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctuvhp/im_so_depressed_because_everyone_keeps_telling_me/
%
A kid came home to find his parents sitting at a table, looking disappointed. “Son, you’ve been expelled,” his dad said.

“But I’m homeschooled!” he wailed in despair.
“That’s the point. Now get out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctug72/a_kid_came_home_to_find_his_parents_sitting_at_a/
%
I saw a repost

but I can't remember where I reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctufl9/i_saw_a_repost/
%
roses are red, violets are blue

the amazon's on fucking fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctudyo/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
What do you call a group of programmers?

An argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctu1g5/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_programmers/
%
I was in the middle of a heated conversation when I said "Mark my words!!"

It's nice to have a guy called Mark bringing my dictionary to me whenever I need it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cttwqr/i_was_in_the_middle_of_a_heated_conversation_when/
%
What type of car does a cowboy drive?

Audi partner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cttsup/what_type_of_car_does_a_cowboy_drive/
%
What do you call Cardi B on a treadmill?

Cardi O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cttq9m/what_do_you_call_cardi_b_on_a_treadmill/
%
What do you call a scary porn

A whorror film

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cttnli/what_do_you_call_a_scary_porn/
%
There is no incest in Alabama!

You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister, or aunt!
They are both in the living room right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctthdc/there_is_no_incest_in_alabama/
%
You ever hear the joke about the three holes?

Well well well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctt6bm/you_ever_hear_the_joke_about_the_three_holes/
%
Never invest in Velcro

It’s a rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctt683/never_invest_in_velcro/
%
Why don't executioners ever high-five people?

They prefer to leave 'em hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctt5qd/why_dont_executioners_ever_highfive_people/
%
I tried to get a job as a professional band aid remover.

But I couldn’t pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctt5op/i_tried_to_get_a_job_as_a_professional_band_aid/
%
A group of crows flew into a church during the Sunday service.

It was a Mass murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctsw0t/a_group_of_crows_flew_into_a_church_during_the/
%
I'm surrounded by idiots

Unfortunately, I am currently stuck in a mirror maze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctsop0/im_surrounded_by_idiots/
%
When your phone accidentally replaces fuck with duck, you can still use it.

It's still fowl language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctsnv3/when_your_phone_accidentally_replaces_fuck_with/
%
An old mathematician turns 89...

Soon after, his friends and family are astounded as he suddenly begins taking up a variety of sports, buying the newest things, and being as active as if he were in his twenties.
Before long, they approach him, asking about this behavior in spite of his age. The man responds "Well of course I'm more active! I'm in my prime!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctsd31/an_old_mathematician_turns_89/
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[NSFW] When I was 12 I was super sad, so I went to the Catholic Church for help...

But then I was just fucking depriest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cts78u/nsfw_when_i_was_12_i_was_super_sad_so_i_went_to/
%
They put all sorts of wild patterns on pants these days.

Britches be crazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cts676/they_put_all_sorts_of_wild_patterns_on_pants/
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One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case.

Turns out it was just a sham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cts3ii/one_time_some_guy_on_the_street_tried_to_sell_me/
%
What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don’t look! I’m about to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cts1fs/what_did_the_traffic_light_say_to_the_car/
%
My friend told me that America has 50 states I said no

Scientists found out that Pluto isn’t a planet so we got 49 dumbass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cts0a7/my_friend_told_me_that_america_has_50_states_i/
%
It turns out my front lawn is chicken proof.

It's impeccable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctryvu/it_turns_out_my_front_lawn_is_chicken_proof/
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My Grandpa told me this joke.

What does 'r' stands for in r/jokes?
Repost.
My Grandpa died in 1999.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctrsc1/my_grandpa_told_me_this_joke/
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My four year old neighbor buddy just told me this joke he made up: what do you call a bunny rabbit with no ears?

A backpack.
P.s. I love nonsensical kid jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctrk6l/my_four_year_old_neighbor_buddy_just_told_me_this/
%
When I visited the White House the other day

I was inspired to run for the office of President. Unfortunately, Secret Service tackled me before I got there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctr9ol/when_i_visited_the_white_house_the_other_day/
%
Tinder is wonderful

I've always wanted a photo database of all the girls in my city who would never go out with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctqzxv/tinder_is_wonderful/
%
Wife leaves a note on the fridge:

"I have made all attempts. It's not working.I can't take it anymore. I am going to stay at my Mom's place !!"
Husband opens the fridge, checks the beer bottle. Feels it is cold. He takes a few big gulps from the bottle. Feels it is chilled. Then says to himself, "What the hell is she talking about? Fridge is working fine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctqz3p/wife_leaves_a_note_on_the_fridge/
%
Why did the terrorist blow up the winery?

Because it was full of Zinfandels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctqwjs/why_did_the_terrorist_blow_up_the_winery/
%
A duck waddled into a country grocery store and asked the clerk; "Do you sell duck food?".

"Of course not," replied the clerk, "We sell groceries to humans, not ducks."
The next day, the duck returned and asked again, "Do you sell duck food?"
Annoyed, the clerk snapped, "No! No duck food!"
When the duck returned the next day and posed the same question, the clerk threatened, "I've told you this is a grocery store for people, not birds. If you ever come in here and ask me that stupid question again, I'm going to nail one of your webbed feet to the floor and laugh while you walk around in circles."
The next day the duck was back. "Do you sell nails?"
The clerk, miffed, replied, "Of course not. This is a grocery store, not a hardware store."
Upon which the duck asked, "Do you sell duck food?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctqvau/a_duck_waddled_into_a_country_grocery_store_and/
%
Did you hear about the guy who fell down the stairs at the airport?

Damn near missed the whole flight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctqupr/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_fell_down_the/
%
Have you heard the news about the Amazon rainforest?

It’s spreading like wildfire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctqtgm/have_you_heard_the_news_about_the_amazon/
%
There is a reason Donald Trump thinks he is the Second Coming.

Every time he says something he hears "Jesus Christ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctqm86/there_is_a_reason_donald_trump_thinks_he_is_the/
%
Joey and Katie are sitting in school,

Katie is sleeping and the teacher ask her a question. “ Katie, who created heaven and earth?“ Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil. “ Jesus Christ Almighty!” Says Katie. “Very good” says the teacher. A similar incident happens the next day. The teacher asks “who is the father of Jesus“ Katie(again sleeping) gets poked by Joey’s pencil and yells “ oh my God.” “ correct again“ said the teacher. The next day the teacher asked “ what did Eve say to Adam when they had so many children?” Katie is sleeping again, and just before Joey pokes her with the pencil again, Katie yells “ I swear if you stick that thing in me one more time I will crack it in half!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctqkk9/joey_and_katie_are_sitting_in_school/
%
What causes some boats to become party boats?

Pier pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctqkbm/what_causes_some_boats_to_become_party_boats/
%
What do you call a dead man from Helsinki?

Finnished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctqi2p/what_do_you_call_a_dead_man_from_helsinki/
%
A captain, newly assigned to his ship, meets with his crew at the tavern before they sail.

The crew receives him well, and encourages him to join them in drinking and shenanigans. He declines the former, but joins in on the latter. The crew tells dirty jokes, but what really gets them roaring is joking about the tavern owner, Rex.
"You sure you don't mind the teasing? As the captain, I could make them stop," he says to Rex.
"No worries, cap'n! It's all in good fun. You see, my twin brother works on your ship. His name is also Rex, as our parents only planned for one of us they said we had to share the name. We shared everything growing up, but my brother was always less happy than me, until the day he became a sailor. Turns out he can't stand being on land the same way I can't stand being at sea. But he and I always used to tease each other, so when his crewmen come ashore he asks them to come to my tavern and tease me in his place, since he won't leave the boat."
"That's quite the touching story," the new captain replies with a nod, "and I'll be sure to give him your regards."
A few hours later the tide rolled in and the men returned to the ship to prepare to sail. The captain looked for Rex to speak to him about his twin. Upon finding him he couldn't help himself and started joking about him, just as he and the crew had done to his brother back at the tavern.
Immediately the entire crew became angry and surrounded the captain with stern looks on their faces. The biggest and strongest of the crewmen stepped forward, leaned down to come eye-to-eye with the new captain and growled at him, "You listen up, new captain, and listen good: It's one thing to joke about tavern Rex, but we *never* joke about ship Rex."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctpx00/a_captain_newly_assigned_to_his_ship_meets_with/
%
Russian Joke - what is the fastest thing you know

Teacher asks students what is the fastest thing they know.
Olya says: "Light is the fastest, you flip a switch, and there it is, very fast"
Teacher: "Good job, anyone else?"
Petya says: "Words are fast.  You speak it, and people hear you in an instant"
Teacher: "Anyone else?"
Vova says: "Diarrhea is really the fastest thing on earth.  Once it hit me, I didn't have time to flip a light switch or say a word."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctpvox/russian_joke_what_is_the_fastest_thing_you_know/
%
I saw so many people begging for money in Tallahassee today.

This city is full of panhandlers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctptlx/i_saw_so_many_people_begging_for_money_in/
%
I ate four cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

Then I had probably the biggest vowel movement ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctps7v/i_ate_four_cans_of_alphabet_soup_yesterday/
%
Blonde in a rowboat

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.
The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctpq79/blonde_in_a_rowboat/
%
My girlfriend got at me because I have a terrible sense of direction

So, reluctantly, I packed my bags and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctpplo/my_girlfriend_got_at_me_because_i_have_a_terrible/
%
A man buys a parrot and take it home

The parrot starts cussing up a storm, so the man puts the parrot in the freezer.  After about 5 minutes, the man takes the parrot out and it says...
"Look, I've learned my lesson and will never cuss again, but you've got to tell me something!"
"What's that?" Asked the man
"What did the chicken do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctpn8x/a_man_buys_a_parrot_and_take_it_home/
%
My innocence is like my dad,

it disappeared one day and never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctpixw/my_innocence_is_like_my_dad/
%
Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctpdrb/donald_trump_and_barack_obama_somehow_ended_up_at/
%
What’s the difference between trump and an asshole?

You can clean an asshole and get it to stop spewing shit all over the place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctpb9b/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_an_asshole/
%
Son, now that you've moved out you're going to need to get a couple things.

You're going to need a dishwasher to clean the dishes. A washing machine to clean your clothes. And a girlfriend so you have good sex. But for God's sake never let the three women meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctp9f8/son_now_that_youve_moved_out_youre_going_to_need/
%
My mate said he slept with a girl called Gibberish.

Fucking nonsense if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctp83a/my_mate_said_he_slept_with_a_girl_called_gibberish/
%
Dark

Why is “dark” spelled with a ‘k’ instead of a ‘c’?
Because you can't 'c' in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctp7xu/dark/
%
Told my boss that I wasn't coming in because my wife refused to give me a BJ.

He sighed and said, "Frankly, Tom, I think that's unacceptable."
"Exactly," I said. "But try telling her that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctp5qd/told_my_boss_that_i_wasnt_coming_in_because_my/
%
My girlfriend asked me "if I was a vegetable, what would I be"?

Apparently the answer she was looking for was "a Cute cumber", not "single"...whoops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctp2k7/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_was_a_vegetable_what/
%
A chicken walks into a library

... and says to the librarian:
”Book, book, book”
The librarian hand the chicken three books. On the way out, the chicken encounters a frog. The chicken shows the books to the frog and says:
”Book, book, book.”
The frog replies:
”Reddit, reddit, reddit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctp03t/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
%
Found out I was color blind yesterday

Fuckin came completely out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctoxno/found_out_i_was_color_blind_yesterday/
%
A U.S. Marine Colonel...

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctot1l/a_us_marine_colonel/
%
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctos4y/did_you_know_that_a_group_of_crows_is_called_a/
%
How do you fool an idiot

-Put him in a circle room
-Tell him to sit in the corner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctombs/how_do_you_fool_an_idiot/
%
I saw a roadside stand with a sign that said "Lobster Tails-$2". So I stopped in and paid my $2.

Then the proprietor says, "Once upon a time, there was this lobster..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctohux/i_saw_a_roadside_stand_with_a_sign_that_said/
%
Making holy water is easy.

Just boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctohmg/making_holy_water_is_easy/
%
-Thanks for introducing me to minimalism

-It's the least I could do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctogbu/thanks_for_introducing_me_to_minimalism/
%
The USSR believed that any mistakes in its past were the results of noble men with noble goals.

Sure, noble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctofow/the_ussr_believed_that_any_mistakes_in_its_past/
%
What starts with a T, ends with a T, and is full of T?

.
A Teapot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctob0d/what_starts_with_a_t_ends_with_a_t_and_is_full_of/
%
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?

A Kick-Ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctoal5/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_a_kangaroo_with/
%
What sound does a 747 make when it hits the ground?

Boeing, boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cto62o/what_sound_does_a_747_make_when_it_hits_the_ground/
%
What has a bunch of KKK’s and has been hated on for a long time, and will probably be hated until they’re all gone, unless they keep reproducing?

Kim. Khloe. Kourtney. Kris. Kanye. Kendall. Kylie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cto4vf/what_has_a_bunch_of_kkks_and_has_been_hated_on/
%
A lady walks into Tiffany's...

she looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.  Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little toot and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near.  As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.  Good looking, cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's.
He politely greets the lady with, “good day, madam.  How may we help you today?”  Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, "sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"  He answers, "madam...if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctnwxa/a_lady_walks_into_tiffanys/
%
So I saw this sign the other day, it said “wood fired pizza”

So I said “Wood fired pizza? How will pizza get a job now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctnr1s/so_i_saw_this_sign_the_other_day_it_said_wood/
%
Yesterday I saw a guy drop all his scrabble letters on the road

I asked him what’s the word on the street

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctnr0y/yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_drop_all_his_scrabble/
%
What do you call a night of loneliness paired with a new Nintendo?

The ol’ bate and Switch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctnk8i/what_do_you_call_a_night_of_loneliness_paired/
%
Ever-so-slightly

A fellow gets a job in a sex shop.  His new boss shows him around.  "Everything's marked.  We've got a simple register.  There's only two things to remember."  He points behind the counter.  "Deluxe white dildos are $100 and the Deluxe black ones are $150."
"White $100, black $150.  Got it."
The boss leaves for lunch.
A Lady comes in, pretending to browse.  "Oh, My God!"
Guy looks in the direction she's pointing.  "Oh, the white ones are $100, the black ones are $150."
"How much for the plaid one?"
"Oh, that's not for sale, that's my ... "
"How much?", she demands.
"But, that's my ... "
"How.  Much."
He gives her a figure and she makes her purchase.
The boss returns and asks how things went.
"Pretty good.  I sold six of the white ones and twelve of the black ones.  Oh, and I got $300 for my Thermos!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctnidv/eversoslightly/
%
I just witnessed a doctor accidentally drop a fragile organ transplant...

It was a heart-breaking scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctni3m/i_just_witnessed_a_doctor_accidentally_drop_a/
%
Did you hear about the two bed bugs that are getting married?

They're having a lovely wedding in the spring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctni0w/did_you_hear_about_the_two_bed_bugs_that_are/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctnghg/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
What did Michael Jackson have in common with a second-place NASCAR driver?

They both came in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctndoc/what_did_michael_jackson_have_in_common_with_a/
%
Pierre, the fighter pilot.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the Cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot ! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctnbis/pierre_the_fighter_pilot/
%
What does a bear eat at a concert?

Beats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctnb14/what_does_a_bear_eat_at_a_concert/
%
My girlfriend looks just like her mother when she does her makeup the right way

I could make myself look like my dad, but I don't have any vanishing cream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctn8bw/my_girlfriend_looks_just_like_her_mother_when_she/
%
*Doing a stand up gig for a charity for people in wheelchairs*

Opening line - "If this was a YouTube video the comments would be disabled"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctn85e/doing_a_stand_up_gig_for_a_charity_for_people_in/
%
My friend tried to make a shitty joke about taps

I told him not to faucet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctn57g/my_friend_tried_to_make_a_shitty_joke_about_taps/
%
Another bar joke

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a gin and tonic.
The bartender reaches under the counter and pulls out an apple and hands it to him.
The guy takes the apple and asks, "What's this, I asked for a gin and tonic".
The bartender replies, "take a bite, you won't be disappointed".
The man takes a bite, smiles really big and says, "Wow, that's the best gin I've ever had".
The bartender smiles back saying, "Turn it around".
The man turns the apple around and sure enough it tastes like tonic. So the man finishes the apple, and orders a couple more.
A few moments later a second person walks in, looks at the guy eating the apple, then the bartender, and then back at the man, and says, "What's with the apple".
The first man still eating the apple replies, "Order whatever you want, he'll hand you an apple that will taste like whatever you asked for".
The man thinks for a moment and says, "I'll have a rum and coke". The bartender reaches under the counter, pulls out an apple, and replies, "One rum and coke, enjoy".
The guy takes a bite out of the apple, and like the first guy smiles, and says, "that's the best rum I've ever had". The bartender smiles and says, "turn it around". The man turns the apple around, and takes a bite and it tastes just like coke. He enjoys the rest of his apple, and orders a few more.
A little while later, a third guy walks in, sits down at the bar, looks at the two guys eating apples and says, "What's with the apples". The first guy tells him, "Ask the bartender for anything you want, and he will hand you an apple that tastes exactly like what you asked for, I asked for a gin and tonic, this guy asked for a rum and coke".
The guy thinks for a minute, smiles a devilish smile, and says, "Do you have any pussy". The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "Really pussy". The guy nods his head, and the bartender reaches under the bar and hands him an apple, the bartender goes back to cleaning some glasses. The man takes a bite out of his apple, and immediately spits the bite out saying, "Ewww, gross, this apple tastes like shit".
The bartender replies, "Turn it around".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctmscn/another_bar_joke/
%
Her body was like a temple...

Literally anyone with a wish could enter it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctmqpa/her_body_was_like_a_temple/
%
A fan walks into a bar, turns to the bartender and...

then back to the door, then to the bartender and back to the door...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctmprt/a_fan_walks_into_a_bar_turns_to_the_bartender_and/
%
What's the resemblance between a battery and Jeff Epstein?

They both die in a cell!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctm84p/whats_the_resemblance_between_a_battery_and_jeff/
%
A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctm7i1/a_guy_is_driving_around_the_back_woods_and_he/
%
The Pope was diagnosed with a mysterious terminal disease . . .

Frantic, cardinals and archbishops around the world scoured old medical texts and consulted the top minds and researchers in the world in hopes of finding a cure.
Finally, after weeks of searching, a promising cure was found - but it was not without its controversy. The highest of the clergy discussed at length about how to break the news to the ailing Pope.
They decided that the frank and honest truth would be the best way forward. Solemnly, they entered his bedchambers and approached the old man,
"Holy Father, we have found a cure for your affliction, but it comes at a great cost. We are afraid that the only way your life would be saved is for you to engage in sexual relations with a woman. Please believe us that if there was any other way to save you, it would have found it by now."
The dying man closed his eyes, breathed a rasping sigh, and nodded.
"I understand my friends. Our lord truly does work in mysterious ways. He has provided this miracle - it is clear that He has plans for me yet and does not wish for me to enter His kingdom at this time." After a long pause, he continued, "if His will be done, and I am to lay with a woman then I have three requests."
"Of course - anything you wish. You have only to ask," came the reply with a sigh of relief.
"First," said the Pope, "the woman must be blind so that she may not see with whom she lays".
"Yes, yes, discretion must be maintained" the cardinals responded nodding.
"Second," said the Pope, "the woman must also be deaf so that she may not hear and perhaps guess as to my identity".
"Brilliant your Holiness," the cardinals agreed. "And what, Father, is your third request?"
"Big tits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctm4pi/the_pope_was_diagnosed_with_a_mysterious_terminal/
%
Emperor: How many soldiers do we have for my secret mission?

Servant: 476 my Emperor
Emperor: Good, round them up
Servant: 500 my Emperor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctlxts/emperor_how_many_soldiers_do_we_have_for_my/
%
A married couple are out golfing.

The husband slices his tee shot into the trees.   They find the ball resting behind an oak.   The man is about to chip out onto the fairway when his wife,  standing a few feet behind, stops him.   "Honey,  from here I can see the flagstick.   Why not try to reach the green?"  He takes a look,  decides to take the shot, and pulls out his 9-iron.   The ball ricochets off the oak hitting his wife directly between the eyes.   She is killed instantly.   A year later the man is playing the same hole with his new wife.   He hits an identical slice.   They find the ball resting in almost the same spot as before.   Just as he's about to chip out onto the fairway his new bride says,  "Wait,  honey!  From here I can see..."  "Oh,  hell no!" he spurts.   "Last time I tried that shot I got a double-bogey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctlr2k/a_married_couple_are_out_golfing/
%
A blonde feminist

heard a man shout "respect the cock". She thought for a while and came up with the best response:
"Respect the cock dock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctlpdx/a_blonde_feminist/
%
What do you call Napoleon with detached penis?

**Bone apart**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctlojj/what_do_you_call_napoleon_with_detached_penis/
%
I never really understood jokes about school shootings

I guess they're aimed at younger audiences

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctlm41/i_never_really_understood_jokes_about_school/
%
an accountant is interviewing for a job

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctlhh0/an_accountant_is_interviewing_for_a_job/
%
What is the sign that you're ugly?

The  guy in the van is suddenly "all out of candy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctleg1/what_is_the_sign_that_youre_ugly/
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{NSFW} Two gay guys are in the shower when the telephone rings

one says to other "dont come until i get back " other says" i promise." Well when he returnes there is cum all over the  walls ceiling curtains , guys yells out "you promised not to cum until i came back", he says " i didnt .I FARTED ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctldw4/nsfw_two_gay_guys_are_in_the_shower_when_the/
%
Why do doctors allow smart phones in the delivery room?

Push notifications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctld91/why_do_doctors_allow_smart_phones_in_the_delivery/
%
What's the similarity between Hitler and an asthma patient?

Neither of them can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctlc4l/whats_the_similarity_between_hitler_and_an_asthma/
%
They say life is just a game of inches

I've already one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctl9vi/they_say_life_is_just_a_game_of_inches/
%
What do Suicide Bombers and people with Tourette’s Syndrome have in common?

They both tic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctl8i9/what_do_suicide_bombers_and_people_with_tourettes/
%
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph,

looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctl7l7/a_pensioner_drove_his_brand_new_mercedes_to_100/
%
Sex jokes aren't funny

I mean cum on people!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctl7id/sex_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Being in customer support I can say this

Im paying for my own sins, Jesus. Thank you very much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctl7fj/being_in_customer_support_i_can_say_this/
%
A school joke

Teacher comes into the classroom and says:
"Everybody who's stupid has to stand up now"
A kid stands up from his desk
The same teacher asks him:
"Why did you stand up?"
The kid says:
"Because i didn't want you to stand only by yourself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctl4x2/a_school_joke/
%
A 60 year old billionaire went to the bar with his 25 year old wife

His friend asked how he got her.
He said he lied about his age.
“You said you were 45?” His friend asked
“No I said I was 90” he answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctktih/a_60_year_old_billionaire_went_to_the_bar_with/
%
A Blind man walks into a Bar

And a pole, and a trashcan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctkrr3/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I got sick in the airport

It was a terminal illness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctkr10/i_got_sick_in_the_airport/
%
Knock knock...

Who's this....
Dishes....
Dishes who....
Dishes sean connery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctkous/knock_knock/
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Might start using conjunctions more confusingly...

Maybe I won’t, maybe I’ll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctkk1g/might_start_using_conjunctions_more_confusingly/
%
A man was shot today at my local gas station by two off duty police officers...

From what I have been told, the off duty officers were standing outside the store, enjoying their morning coffee before getting started for the day, when a man, who was pumping gas got a little bit of fuel on his sleeve, and must of had a lit cigarette because all of a sudden his sleeve caught on fire.
In a panic the man started shaking his arm, trying to put it out, and in his blind panic, started running towards the entrance of the gas station, when the two officers shot him dead.
When local news asked why the officers felt the need to shoot the man, they replied,
“We heard a commotion, and when we looked up, we saw the man running towards the store and we had to react quickly.”
“For what reason?” Asked the reporter.
The officer replied, “He was waving a firearm in public.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctka94/a_man_was_shot_today_at_my_local_gas_station_by/
%
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider.

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctk4vv/two_caterpillars_are_escaping_a_spider/
%
I met a girl named Ruth

When she left me, I became Ruthless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctjz3j/i_met_a_girl_named_ruth/
%
A fast food employee dropped my burger patty on the floor before serving it to me.

They said it was ground beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctjvae/a_fast_food_employee_dropped_my_burger_patty_on/
%
I always presume that sports fans are sane and rational people, that is until they go streaking across the field

Then I see their nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctjhri/i_always_presume_that_sports_fans_are_sane_and/
%
titanic

why didn't bruce willis star in titanic?
because if he did, he would have saved everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctjdeh/titanic/
%
A tourist visiting Ireland went out for dinner when it came to deserts he was surprised to see “Brexit” listed on the menu so he asked a waitress what it was

She replied oh that’s an “Eton Mess”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctjb9b/a_tourist_visiting_ireland_went_out_for_dinner/
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What do you call the person who graduated last in their class at med school?

Doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctjabs/what_do_you_call_the_person_who_graduated_last_in/
%
The Bible says Mary and Joseph didn't get along very well.

Says she rode his ass all the way to Bethlehem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctiwy5/the_bible_says_mary_and_joseph_didnt_get_along/
%
What did the one legged man do at the bank?

Check his balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctipuy/what_did_the_one_legged_man_do_at_the_bank/
%
My son asked me to take him on a picnic.

I told him, "I really don't like eating under those trees"
"But why, dad?"
"They just seem kinda shady."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctiksh/my_son_asked_me_to_take_him_on_a_picnic/
%
Why can’t a T-Rex clap its hands?

They’re extinct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctikb2/why_cant_a_trex_clap_its_hands/
%
Short clean joke

I was at a party and there was a Russian DJ, and a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctiiwl/short_clean_joke/
%
Why didn’t Cain build a house for his father?

He was not Abel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctih5e/why_didnt_cain_build_a_house_for_his_father/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A shortcut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctid52/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Guy gets called in for an interview...

... as he enters the manager's office, he doesn't say a word, nor does he sit down, and stares straight into the eyes of the manager.  Then, without warning, and with one huge sweep of his arm, he knocks all the shit off the managers desk, papers, monitor, pen holder, etc.  The manager, completely dumbfounded by the guy's action, doesn't say a word as he looks back and forth between the guy and the shit on the floor in confusion.  Then, after a few moments of silence, the guy yells "That shit's not important..!! I AM important...!!!"  The manager then immediately stands up, sticks out his hand, and says "I like your style! You've got the job!".  The guy, ecstatic that this strategy actually worked, reciprocates by shaking the manager's hand vigorously with a huge smile, and replies "Great! When can I begin?"  Manager then replies, "you can begin immediately! Your first task is to pick up all this shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cti9b4/guy_gets_called_in_for_an_interview/
%
Two women are eating ice cream

One is licking her ice cream and the other one biting it. Sherlock and Wattson are sitting and looking at them.
Sherlock asks: "Wattson, try to guess which of those two women is married?"
Wattson replies: "Hmm, I guess the one thats licking her ice cream isnt married."
Sherlock says: "No Wattson, the one with the ring is the married one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cti7wq/two_women_are_eating_ice_cream/
%
I haven’t made my mind up about masturbation

I mean on one hand it’s great...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cti76x/i_havent_made_my_mind_up_about_masturbation/
%
Met a girl who raised bees

She was a keeper.
My friends said she was no good for me. At first I denied it, but I caught her cheating and now I'm a bee-leaver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cti4mr/met_a_girl_who_raised_bees/
%
A man with a black eye sits down in his seat on an airplane.

He notices the man sitting next to him also has a black eye.
"Hey," he asks, "Howd you get your shiner?"
"Well, it was the result of a tongue twister. There was this hot looking girl at the ticket desk and what I meant to say was 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh', but what I actually said was, 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh', and she smacked me."
"That's amazing!", the first guy replied, "The exact same thing happened to me! I was having breakfast with my wife this morning and what I meant to say was 'Honey, can you pass the orange juice?' but what I actually said was, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cti40o/a_man_with_a_black_eye_sits_down_in_his_seat_on/
%
I just realize why Jesus is so well remembered...

He was the only white dude in the middle east!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cti19v/i_just_realize_why_jesus_is_so_well_remembered/
%
I came into work late and my manager said "you're late!"

I said, "no, i'm early for tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cti14p/i_came_into_work_late_and_my_manager_said_youre/
%
the wisdom of a rabbi

Two priests, one catholic and one protestant, and a rabbi, decide to cool off in a stream close to the religious conference venue they just left at the end of a long day.
They thoroughly enjoy their swim and then get out and enjoy the sunshine. As they bask their naked bodies in the sun, a group of ladies pass by.
Startled and mortified, the priests hurry to cover their private parts while the rabi covers his face.
The priests are surprised and ask the rabi why covering his face instead of his genitals. To which the rabi responds:
I don't know how things work in your communities but in mine everyone knows me by my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cthwvi/the_wisdom_of_a_rabbi/
%
I've found the perfect girl but it isn't clicking yet

Wish me luck I'm about to change the battery on my wireless mouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctht0r/ive_found_the_perfect_girl_but_it_isnt_clicking/
%
An ad appeared in the local paper that read "Wanted. Man to mate with an ape, $5,000. Call the zoo"

A less than bright man reads the ad and contacted the zoo. After a few questions, he said he was inclined to proceed with the process with 3 requirements:
1. There will be absolutely no kissing involved.
2. If this union proves fruitful, the children will be raised Catholic.
3. He is given a monthly installment plan to come up with the $5,000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cthrq7/an_ad_appeared_in_the_local_paper_that_read/
%
My Mum introduced me to minimalism.

It's the least she could do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cth8im/my_mum_introduced_me_to_minimalism/
%
"Your finest Scotch, please."

"Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cth7a8/your_finest_scotch_please/
%
Why do skeletons like having sex with short girls before eating?

They like to bone a petite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cth15u/why_do_skeletons_like_having_sex_with_short_girls/
%
Heard this one from a political science professor

A man just arrived in New York City. In the taxi heading to his destination, the taxi passed by the United Nations building. The man said to the driver “Wow, that’s the United Nations building.” The driver responded “Yes it is.” The man then asks, “How many people do you suppose work in there?” After a short pause, the driver responded, “Oh, probably about half of them”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cth0jb/heard_this_one_from_a_political_science_professor/
%
Are the words "well" and "actually" only one syllable?

Well yes, but actually no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctgvcq/are_the_words_well_and_actually_only_one_syllable/
%
A goat and a hole

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it.  Being curious, they go over and check it out.  When they look down, they are surprised to find they can’t see the bottom.  So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen…  Nothing.  One of them says, "Man, that’s a deep hole!" Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side.  The pause and listen intently…  They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them!  They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast! The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom.  The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We’d better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!" So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it.  The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened. "Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?" one of the men asked.  The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"  The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat. The farmer said, "Well boys, I don’t think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctgqgh/a_goat_and_a_hole/
%
A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.
Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.
My Boss: The Bear can talk?
Me: No, that’s not the joke.
My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?
Me: No, that’s not the joke either.
My Boss: The Bear likes to drink?
Me: No, you’re overthinking it.
My Boss: Okay can you just explain it to me then?
Me: Of course not that would ruin the joke!
***Conversation eventually changes topics because my boss doesn’t care anymore, I leave work a few hours later***
***I go to my boss’s office the next morning***
Me: Hey can I ask you about something?
My Boss: Yeah sure what is it?
Me: ...and would you mind throwing a few ice cubes in there?” Bartender asks, “Why the long pause?” Bear replies, “I was born with them!”
Anyways, I need a new job so if anyone’s hiring please let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctgnvr/a_bear_walks_into_bar_bartender_asks_what_would/
%
We had a Bill Cosby thunderstorm recently

The kind that comes while you're asleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctgh1i/we_had_a_bill_cosby_thunderstorm_recently/
%
My boyfriend just told me he has an STD...

Looks like I'm *gonorrhea*valuate this relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctgapr/my_boyfriend_just_told_me_he_has_an_std/
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The closest I've ever come to murder is...

Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctg6vg/the_closest_ive_ever_come_to_murder_is/
%
Where does ET come from?

His dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctg059/where_does_et_come_from/
%
Spanking your own kids is already low but if you spank someone else's kid

you've hit a new bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctftfc/spanking_your_own_kids_is_already_low_but_if_you/
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This is so true

Even though Spongebob is the main character…
Patrick is the star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctfrvk/this_is_so_true/
%
I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctfr5p/i_wanted_to_shave_my_beard_for_so_long_but_my/
%
Why didn't the sun go back to school?

Because it already has a million degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctfpas/why_didnt_the_sun_go_back_to_school/
%
I went to the Doctors and told him kept hallucinating and seeing Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck and their pals.....

The Doc said not to worry...you're just having Disney spells...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctffnd/i_went_to_the_doctors_and_told_him_kept/
%
What do you get when you cross an Octopus and a Cow

A very stern letter from the Scientific Ethics Committee and immediate removal of your grant funding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctff5z/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_octopus_and_a/
%
My friend has been trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.

He makes some very good points.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctfeb7/my_friend_has_been_trying_to_convince_me_to/
%
My wife and kids are preparing to leave me over my action figure collecting addiction

They said it's either the toys or us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctfb07/my_wife_and_kids_are_preparing_to_leave_me_over/
%
I had a happy childhood, my dad used to put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill.....

......They were Goodyears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctf8gv/i_had_a_happy_childhood_my_dad_used_to_put_me/
%
Why did the woman cross the road?

She wasn’t wearing a seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctf1zl/why_did_the_woman_cross_the_road/
%
Why can't you see a Brachiosaurus eat?

Because they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctf1pg/why_cant_you_see_a_brachiosaurus_eat/
%
A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctf0g7/a_corrupt_guy_a_sex_offender_a_racist_a/
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A dinner.

Jack: Hey, Ryan. Do you want seconds?
Ryan: Yeah.
Jack: Then why don't you eat a clock you                      dumbass!
Ryan: I would but it would be very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctez3w/a_dinner/
%
A doctor is operating on a patient.

He says to his assistant: “Helium please” so the assistant wheels over a tank of helium.
The doctor proceeds to put a mask on the patient so he can inhale the gas, but the patient doesn’t respond to the treatment.
The doctor turns to his assistant again. “Curium please”. And the assistant produces a syringe full of the nuclear medicine. The doctor injects the patient, but again they don’t respond to the treatment.
The doctor turns again to his assistant: “Barium please?”
The assistant looks surprised. “Barium, why do you need barium?”
The doctor says “Well if you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, the only thing left is to barium!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctexo3/a_doctor_is_operating_on_a_patient/
%
If Pakistan PM Imran Khan could resolve Kashmir issue with dialogue,

he wouldn't have married three times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctewrq/if_pakistan_pm_imran_khan_could_resolve_kashmir/
%
Thermometer

Patient : Doctor. What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometer
Doctor :
#THE TASTE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctevzl/thermometer/
%
What is the oldest known story about cheese?

The one of Edam and Eve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cterlz/what_is_the_oldest_known_story_about_cheese/
%
My friend said I mock Greek names.

That's preposterousalopalous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cteq0x/my_friend_said_i_mock_greek_names/
%
I always thought that being woke up in the morning by a blowjob must be great

Until i slept on the bench in the park with my mouth opened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctema7/i_always_thought_that_being_woke_up_in_the/
%
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession.

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.
Father: When was the last time you made a confession?
Man: I never have, I am Jewish.
Father: Then why are telling me all this?
Man: I’m telling everybody!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctel9g/an_old_man_goes_to_a_church_and_is_making_a/
%
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.

BAA-DUMM-TSSS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cteg03/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fell_off_a_cliff/
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Why does Darth Sidious have a drinking problem?

Because only Siths drink in Absoluts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cte3rz/why_does_darth_sidious_have_a_drinking_problem/
%
had a great swim along the beach in Bali

perfect visibility and tons of coral.
I saw a colorful but scary looking thing attached to a rock and waving in the gentle current.  I thought to myself: "is it a friend, or anemone?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctdzwy/had_a_great_swim_along_the_beach_in_bali/
%
The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctdz57/the_un_decided_to_do_a_worldwide_survey_and_the/
%
Origin of the word asian

Me: Bro, it's summer break. Why are you still studying
Ming: I must get A for my exams or I'll bring       dishonor to my family
Me: Just because you're Asian? Besides, exams aren't even close. Let's hang out.
Ming: ASIAN WITHOUT A IS SIN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctdqx2/origin_of_the_word_asian/
%
Doctor: You have a rare disease.

Me: How rare?
Doctor: You get to name it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctdqus/doctor_you_have_a_rare_disease/
%
Judge- “Mickey Mouse, you want to sue Minnie because she is extremely silly?”

Mickey-“I didn’t say she was extremely silly, I said she was fucking Goofy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctdmnd/judge_mickey_mouse_you_want_to_sue_minnie_because/
%
Drinking for free

Two old friends wanted to go drinking but didn't have any money. The oldest of the two told his friend it's no problem, he had an idea to get drinks for free so away they went to the local pub and ordered a bunch of drinks. After slamming down some beer the friend asked  how they would get this for free. The old friend took out a large sausage from his bag and told the friend: If you pretend to suck my dick with this sausage we will be thrown out and they wont ask for our tab. The friend hesitated at first but went on with it and as the old friend said they got thrown out. After seeing how well this worked they decided to go to the next pub and repeated this deal.
After drinking all night in several pubs and getting completely drunk the old friend looked worried when it was time to pull the trick again.
Whats wrong? said the younger friend.
\- I lost the sausage after the second pub...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctdg41/drinking_for_free/
%
Parking tickets

My father and I went shopping. When we got out of the shop, a policeman was writing a parking ticket. My father told, "Come on, cut some slack here, we just went out for a few minutes." Policeman didn't seem to care and continued his business.
So my father called him a dumbass. So now policeman started writing one more ticket for broken tail light. My father then called him a shithead. So policeman wrote a ticket for broken mirror. This went on for 20 minutes with lots of tickets piled up.
Just then our bus arrived, we got on it and reached home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctd6zv/parking_tickets/
%
SEVEN times!?

Barry came back from his honeymoon and was talking to his mates. "Well Barry, how many times did you do it on your wedding night mate?"      Barry thinks for a minute and says, "Seven times".
"SEVEN times Barry?! You're a legend! How did you manage that?"
Barry says, "It was easy. In, out, in, out, in ,out, IN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctd6d1/seven_times/
%
Ancient Chinese Proverb,

Why meet girl in park? Park meat in girl, much better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctd4yb/ancient_chinese_proverb/
%
What's the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctcxxp/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
%
I had a broken vacuum...

then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctcsm1/i_had_a_broken_vacuum/
%
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not knowing what to do stands cluelessly until a tribesman explains to him: " Use the donkey".
The doctor: " what?"
"Yes use it, mount it"
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctcheh/a_big_city_doctor_visits_an_native_american_tribe/
%
I hate people that use SHOULD OF instead of SHOULD'VE

I tell them to Fuck've.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctcbj8/i_hate_people_that_use_should_of_instead_of/
%
A billionaire, a schmuck and an immigrant walk into a bakery...

The billionaire takes 9 out of the 10 cakes in the store, points to the immigrant and tells the schmuck: "Watch out, he's gonna take that 1 cake".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctc8ae/a_billionaire_a_schmuck_and_an_immigrant_walk/
%
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch, it might be me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctc7op/my_boss_is_going_to_fire_the_employee_with_the/
%
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.
The gentleman was in morbid shock.
He couldn’t breathe.
He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'"
"Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctc46c/a_guy_was_boarding_a_plane_when_he_heard_that_the/
%
Two engineering students appear for Viva voce

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test. The first student's turn comes,
External Examiner:-  Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?
Student 1:- I will open the window.
External Examiner:- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compartment is 12 m3, the train is travelling at 80 km/hr in a Westerly direction and the speed of the wind is 5 m/s from the South, then how much time will  it take for the compartment to get cold?
The student can't answer, so he is marked fail and he comes out. After coming out he tells that question to the second student.
The second student goes in and his viva starts.
External Examiner:- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?
2nd Student :- I will remove my coat.
External :- It still is hot, then what?
Student 2:- I will remove my shirt.
External (angrily) :- If it still is hot, then what will you do?
Student 2:- I will remove my pant.
External (Fuming) :- And what if you die due to the heat?
Student 2:- Am not opening the damn window even if I die of Heat Stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctc2fd/two_engineering_students_appear_for_viva_voce/
%
All causes of death are...

...liver failure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctc29d/all_causes_of_death_are/
%
My 12 year old sister got me with this one.

What do you call a cow with no legs?.......Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?.........Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?......... Your Mom.
Half sister technically. Not the same mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctbx2h/my_12_year_old_sister_got_me_with_this_one/
%
Grandma and grandpa lived in a one room house with their kids so had little "private time".

Grandma said if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my breast once. If you don't want to make love squeeze it twice. Grandpa said OK if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my privates once. If you don't want to make love squeeze it 20 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctbqqh/grandma_and_grandpa_lived_in_a_one_room_house/
%
Smoking will kill you...

Bacon will kill you...
But, smoking bacon will cure it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctbn1v/smoking_will_kill_you/
%
A panda walks into a bar

He sits at the bar, and orders some food.  The food comes, and he eats.  Once he's done, he jumps up, pulls out 2 pistols, and shoots wildly around the bar.  He then turns to leave.
The bartender says "Hey, what the hell is your problem?"
The panda says "I'm a panda, look it up!"
The bartender pulls out his phone and looks for info on pandas.  The website reads:
"Pandas are large bears native to south central China.  Eats shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctbjth/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctbht0/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
a: there's only one thing I don't like about halloween.

b: which is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctbat0/a_theres_only_one_thing_i_dont_like_about/
%
I asked my friend, "What's the same about my jokes and Peter Pan"?

And just before I could say, "They never get old," he replied, "They Neverland?"
^(This actually happened. My career as a comedian is over.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctb9h8/i_asked_my_friend_whats_the_same_about_my_jokes/
%
A bear walked into a restaurant and looks at the waiter and says “I’d like a grilled ................cheese.”.

The waiter said, “what’s with the big pause?”.
He said, “I’m a bear!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctb3x7/a_bear_walked_into_a_restaurant_and_looks_at_the/
%
How do you catch a bear?

First, you dig a hole.
Then, you fill it with ashes.
Then, you line the rim of the hole with peas.
When the bear comes to take a pea. You kick him in the ash hole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctb1gz/how_do_you_catch_a_bear/
%
What do you call an old Honda full of dildos?

A prelude of things to cum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctb0w2/what_do_you_call_an_old_honda_full_of_dildos/
%
Blue

Did you hear about the group of people that don't believe in the color blue? They think it's cyan's fiction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctazw5/blue/
%
How do you support a werewolves YouTube channel?

You lycan subscribe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctayrm/how_do_you_support_a_werewolves_youtube_channel/
%
My gender studies teacher asked how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently 1080p wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctaoff/my_gender_studies_teacher_asked_how_i_view/
%
What’s the difference between a human and a bullet?

Humans miss JFK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctao5p/whats_the_difference_between_a_human_and_a_bullet/
%
During my interview today i poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer
I simply replied, “No I just always give 110%”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctakzk/during_my_interview_today_i_poured_some_water/
%
An anti-joke I wrote

3 nuns, a rabbi, a soldier, 4 orphans, 2 blind men, 6 white guys, a Jew, 4 Koreans, a Canadian, 2 Italians, 6 prison guards, 5 blondes, 3 polish women, 4 atheists, a doctor, 7 grad students, 2 firemen, 3 birthday clowns, a police officer, 9 soccer moms, 2 soccer dads, a biologist, a chemist, 3 physicists, 2 politicians, a bartender, a mathematician, 2 farmers, a Hollywood producer, 10 high school teachers, and a black guy walk into a grocery store –
Then grocery store owner comes out of his office and says, “Hmm. Busy day today.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctakyq/an_antijoke_i_wrote/
%
An Irishman was stranded on an island....

So members of a search and recovery team we assembled. After several months he had been located, but there was no way to get a boat over the reef. Since he had been gone so long, they decided to let a ‘fine Irish Lass’, who had been trained in recovery and scuba to go meet him and then find a place to land a helicopter.
As she walked out of the surf, she pulled off her headgear and shook out her long, golden locks.
He greeted her and couldn’t believe his eyes.
She unzipped her top about six inches, revealing her beautiful skin, pulled out a flask of Jameson’s and asked, “ how long has it been since you tasted home?”
He cried out, “Oh tis the nectar of the Gods” and took a big swig.
She then unzipped her top further revealing her tanned, tight cleavage, pulled out a cigar and asked, ‘and how long has it been since you’ve had a good smoke?”
As she lit it, he took a long pull and sighed, ‘it reminds me of an evening overlooking the moor!’
At this point she noticed his tanned, hardened body-the time on the island had been *good* to this Irishman.
So she unzipped her top the rest of the way, revealing her nakedness and asked, “and when was the last time you played around?’
And he exclaimed, “Glory be to God don’t tell me you’ve got a set o’ clubs in their too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctai86/an_irishman_was_stranded_on_an_island/
%
I have a friend who used a cucumber as a dildo but got it stuck for a long time...

Is she stuck in a pickle or is a pickle stuck in her?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctagta/i_have_a_friend_who_used_a_cucumber_as_a_dildo/
%
What do children and privileges have in common?

Abuse ‘em and you’ll lose ‘em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ctab3c/what_do_children_and_privileges_have_in_common/
%
Why don’t blind people go sky diving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cta8su/why_dont_blind_people_go_sky_diving/
%
The pregnant researcher gave birth to twin girls.

She named one Constance and keeps changing the name of the other one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cta868/the_pregnant_researcher_gave_birth_to_twin_girls/
%
Do you know why insulin has gotten so expensive?

Well, it’s not called Liveabetes, now is it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cta59n/do_you_know_why_insulin_has_gotten_so_expensive/
%
octopus: [gun in each hand]

cat: you’re one short buddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cta4vr/octopus_gun_in_each_hand/
%
A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug of the tub to drain water. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cta2r7/a_man_to_a_psychiatrist/
%
How does every black joke start?

With a white person looking over their shoulders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cta1my/how_does_every_black_joke_start/
%
I went to a Vietnamese food truck at lunch to order my favourite soup...

But there was a huge line and I was in a rush. It was kind of a pho queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct9yuq/i_went_to_a_vietnamese_food_truck_at_lunch_to/
%
What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin?

The number of teeth the person playing it has.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct9w9x/whats_the_difference_between_a_fiddle_and_a_violin/
%
What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct9tpl/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
%
NSFW: what do The PJ Masks ‘Gecko’ and ‘Cat Boy’ use to clean up after sex?

A moist Owlette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct9tee/nsfw_what_do_the_pj_masks_gecko_and_cat_boy_use/
%
I love telling dad jokes

He even laughs sometimes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct9pk1/i_love_telling_dad_jokes/
%
If a rhino and a elephant had a baby, what would you name it?

Helliphino
[hell-if-I-know]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct9n8n/if_a_rhino_and_a_elephant_had_a_baby_what_would/
%
I’ve put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet.

So far, I’ve fed him three of the bastards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct9moh/ive_put_my_rottweiler_on_a_vegan_diet/
%
I boiled a funny bone.

It turned into a laughing stock.
This joke is humerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct9ik2/i_boiled_a_funny_bone/
%
The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect  courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of  course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along  a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.  Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to  disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple  loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving  along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions  deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Question: Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
Answer #1: A Woman’s Response: The perfect woman! She’s the only  one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no  Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Answer #2: A Man’s Response: So, if there is no perfect man and no  Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why  there was a car accident in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct9dpt/the_perfect_man_the_perfect_woman_and_santa_claus/
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Why do we tell actors to 'break a leg"

Because every play has a CAST

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct9bpo/why_do_we_tell_actors_to_break_a_leg/
%
An old couple started thinking they had memory problems.

They went to the doctor and he said both of their brains seemed fine but he suggested that they take notes whenever they need to remember something. One night they were watching tv. The husband got up to go get ice cream. “Can you get me one too?” The wife asked. “Okay.” Said the husband.”Shouldn’t you write that down?”She asked. “No! I could remember that!”The husband grumbled. “Well I also want strawberries on it. Now, I know you’ll forget that so you should write it down.” She said. “Ice cream with strawberries. I can remember that! Quit badgering me! My memories fine!” The husband said. So, he stormed into the kitchen. Fifteen minutes later, he came out of the kitchen and handed her a plate of eggs and toast. “The wife stares at him for about a minute and said,” You forgot my bacon.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct95vt/an_old_couple_started_thinking_they_had_memory/
%
A couple finds a skunk on the side of the road in a storm

The woman says "That poor thing, we should stop and rescue it"
The man pulls over and the woman hops out and picks up the skunk then jumps back in the car
"What should I do with it?" she asked
"Put it between your legs to keep him warm" the man said
"But what about the smell?" she asked
He responded, "Just hold its little nose"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct95gr/a_couple_finds_a_skunk_on_the_side_of_the_road_in/
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I accidently handed my wife glue stick instead of chapstick.

She's still not speaking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct93u8/i_accidently_handed_my_wife_glue_stick_instead_of/
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What’s the most most dangerous bridge in the world

The bridge named chuck Norris because nobody crosses it and lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct8yyu/whats_the_most_most_dangerous_bridge_in_the_world/
%
Diabetes isn't fatal, said my doctor

"That's funny", I thought. They don't call it Liveabetes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct8wnd/diabetes_isnt_fatal_said_my_doctor/
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If you’re cold you should stand in the corner.

It’s usually about 90 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct8gxq/if_youre_cold_you_should_stand_in_the_corner/
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What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct8gs6/what_do_you_do_if_you_come_across_a_tiger_in_the/
%
Hookers don't fart

They let out little prosti-toots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct8fei/hookers_dont_fart/
%
Local Boy Stuns Courtroom in Custody Case

In Cleveland, Ohio a fifteen-year old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct86r3/local_boy_stuns_courtroom_in_custody_case/
%
What do middle eastern people say when they feel hungover?

I falafel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct82fd/what_do_middle_eastern_people_say_when_they_feel/
%
What happens when the ocean gets pregnant?

It gets a sea section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct7xm1/what_happens_when_the_ocean_gets_pregnant/
%
There are 10 types of people

Those who can read binary code, and those who can’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct7r90/there_are_10_types_of_people/
%
I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of Whiteout from the store.

Big mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct7qvv/i_dared_to_ask_my_wife_why_shes_buying_a_giant/
%
Why was King Arthur always happy?

He Camelot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct7ou7/why_was_king_arthur_always_happy/
%
Why did the obese woman not worry about her health?

She already had too much on her plate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct7oki/why_did_the_obese_woman_not_worry_about_her_health/
%
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow?

It’s making headlines everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct7kxc/did_you_hear_about_the_corduroy_pillow/
%
If you make jokes about cancer

You completely lack a sense of tumor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct7i3a/if_you_make_jokes_about_cancer/
%
How is a fact made?

In a factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct7f2g/how_is_a_fact_made/
%
2 men are out on a golf course and the first man is about to tee off.

He lines up his shot, starts his backswing, but just before he he swings a funeral procession drives by on the road beside them. He immediately stops and kneels, and closes his eyes in a display of solemn respect until the procession goes by. Then he gets up and starts to tee off again. But the other man says, "Whoa, hold up, that has got to be the most touching thing I've ever seen! You are a hell of a guy!" The other man pauses and turns to him, and says, "Well...I was married to her for thirty years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct75e6/2_men_are_out_on_a_golf_course_and_the_first_man/
%
a hung man asks his friend for advice

There is a man with a huge penis, 50 centimeters. He talks to his friend about the struggles he has with his big penis and that his wife would love him to have a smaller penis, as it hurts so much when they have sex.
The friend tells him there is an old lady living at the end of a near forest. If you ask her to marry you, and she says no, then your penis will shrink 10 centimeters.
The man has nothing to lose and decides to give it a shot. He goes to the forest, walks down a small path and finds the old ladies home. He rings the bell, she opens up and the man asks: "will you marry me?"
"No", says the old lady, and she closes the door.
The man walks back home, measures his penis and he is amazed. 40 centimeters!
He still thinks his penis is too big, and the next day, he follows visits the old lady again. He knocks on the door and she opens the door. "will you marry me?" he asks politely.
"No!" the old lady screams. She slams the door and the man goes back home.
30 centimeters! Just one more time, the man thinks to himself. Then it will be the perfect size.
The next day he rings the doorbell again. The old lady opens up.
"Will you marry me?" he asks.
The old lady gets mad and yells: "No! No! And for the last time: NO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct6zhv/a_hung_man_asks_his_friend_for_advice/
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How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct6y3j/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
%
Two blonde women walk into a bar

Neither of them knew what hit them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct6xay/two_blonde_women_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A bunch of young guys are sitting in a hunting lodge.

As the night goes on, the tall tales get bigger and bigger. After a while, 90 year old Gus, who has been sitting quietly in the corner says, "Let me tell you boys what happened to me in these very woods in 1963. I was walking along a trail and this big ol' bear jumps out in front of me and goes 'RRRRRRROOOOOAAARRR!!!!', and boys I gotta tell you, I shit my britches!"
One of the young men said, "Well if a bear jumped in front of me, I'd shit my britches too."
"No, no", said Gus, "I mean just now when I went "RRRRRRROOOOOAAARRR!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct6uev/a_bunch_of_young_guys_are_sitting_in_a_hunting/
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I told my wife the other night that I wanted her to start talking dirty more for me.

She looked up at me thoughtfully for a moment and then responded.
"Compost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct6szd/i_told_my_wife_the_other_night_that_i_wanted_her/
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What does a depressed person do when they leave the toilet?

I don’t know, they just feel empty inside
(Courtesy of my ten-year-old cousin. He told me he made it up, what a legend)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct6l4p/what_does_a_depressed_person_do_when_they_leave/
%
A woman is walking out of the store after grocery shopping...

The bag boy offers to help her to her car with the many bags she has. As they're walking through the parking lot, she drops a bag and a tube of Vagisil falls out. Embarrassed and red-faced, she explains "Um...I have an itchy coochee..."
The bag boy says "Look lady, you'll have to point your car out. All those Japanese imports look alike to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct6kzk/a_woman_is_walking_out_of_the_store_after_grocery/
%
Got sick of rubbing my wife's feet so the last time she asked I finally told her no, and let me tell you...

...hell hath no fury like a woman's corns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct6haa/got_sick_of_rubbing_my_wifes_feet_so_the_last/
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What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do at night?

Stays up wondering if there really is a Dog
Thank you grandma for that joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct6h38/what_does_a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac_do_at/
%
How did the pharaoh get so rich ?

A pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct6fak/how_did_the_pharaoh_get_so_rich/
%
Helen Keller walked into a bar

and a chair and a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct6blx/helen_keller_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Judge: I hereby send you to prison for 20 years.

Me: Your Honour couldn't you consider shortening the sentence.
Judge: I send you to prison for 20 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct69if/judge_i_hereby_send_you_to_prison_for_20_years/
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I hate my job at the can recycling center.

It’s soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct67ij/i_hate_my_job_at_the_can_recycling_center/
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How do you bang a nun in Alabama?

Tell her you're God, which makes you her Father, then it's business as usual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct671c/how_do_you_bang_a_nun_in_alabama/
%
A man comes into a bar...

No wait, it was a horse.
So, a man comes into a horse ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct65dr/a_man_comes_into_a_bar/
%
Just took part in a blindfolded masturbating competition.

Fuck knows where I came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct63xg/just_took_part_in_a_blindfolded_masturbating/
%
A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says....

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct61nm/a_new_zealander_walks_into_the_bedroom_with_a/
%
Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush...

"Lookit that, Bubba!" Billy Bob says. "Ain't that cousin Jeff?"
Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head.
"Naw," he says. "Jeff was taller."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct60n6/billy_bob_and_bubba_are_walking_down_a_trail_when/
%
What's the biggest difference between men and women?

What we think of when we hear the word "facial".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct5wsq/whats_the_biggest_difference_between_men_and_women/
%
What kind of couch doesnt like to commit?

A pull out couch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct5r0r/what_kind_of_couch_doesnt_like_to_commit/
%
The Pope wakes up one day and decides he doesn't want any Jews in Rome

The Pope calls the Rabbi for Rome and informs him of his decision. The Rabbi protests and says "Wait, that's it, we're not even gonna talk about this?" So the Pope asks what he wants to do and the Rabbi says that he wants to have a debate the following week. The Pope agrees and they part ways.
A few days before the debate, the Pope realizes that he's just agreed to debate with a Jew. He realizes that he needs to level the playing field a bit, so he calls the Rabbi.
Pope: "The way I see it, you challenged me to a duel. So, I get to pick the weapons."
Rabbi: "Okay, what are the weapons?"
Pope: "We can't use words."
Rabbi: "Well then how are we going to debate?"
Pope: "We'll figure that out."
So the day comes when the debate is set. The Pope and the Rabbi sit down with each other. Everyone is silent and watches the two as they begin silently debating.
Pope: \*Holds up three fingers\*
Rabbi: \*Holds up one finger\*
Pope: \*Crosses himself\*
Rabbi: \*Points at the ground\*
Pope: \*Takes out a bottle of wine and a loaf of bread from his robes\*
Rabbi: \*Takes an apple out of his robes\*
To everyone's astonishment, the Pope then declares to all present that the Rabbi has won and the Jews would be permitted to stay in Rome. Upon returning to the Vatican later that evening, a bishop asks the Pope what happened. The Pope replies:
"We started and I said that there was the Trinity, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. He said that we all pray to one God. I replied that God sent His son to do His work. He said that we were all here to do God's work. So then, I showed him the body and blood of Christ. He showed me an apple and said that we were all children of the Original Sin. I couldn't argue with that, so he won."
Across town, the Rabbi gets home and his wife asks him what happened. The Rabbi replies:
"I should know what happened? That son of a bitch gets in there and he says we got three days to get out! So I tell him that ain't one Jew gonna leave this town. And then he says that's he's gonna get us out if he has to rope us up and drag us out, so I say well I'm not leaving this spot! So then, he pulls out his lunch, I pull out mine, and then he tells me I win!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct5moa/the_pope_wakes_up_one_day_and_decides_he_doesnt/
%
I tried committing suicide today...

Never doing that shit again. I almost died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct5lde/i_tried_committing_suicide_today/
%
Son; "Dad, which do you think is America's worst problem: ignorance or apathy?"

Dad; "Don't know. Don't really care, either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct5ivx/son_dad_which_do_you_think_is_americas_worst/
%
How do you catch a rare bird?

Unique up on em!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct5i56/how_do_you_catch_a_rare_bird/
%
I saw on the TV that Godzilla recently attacked South Korea and thousands are dead!

Really Seoul-crushing news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct5h9w/i_saw_on_the_tv_that_godzilla_recently_attacked/
%
I’m an organ donor and the other day I was on my way to donate blood.

But I had to stop when the police started asking me about where the heck did I get a bucketful of blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct5g7b/im_an_organ_donor_and_the_other_day_i_was_on_my/
%
A woman hasn't had sex with her husband in years, so he takes her to the doctor

The doctor takes her into the exam room, but he determines that she's healthy and that there is nothing physically wrong with her. So he asks her what could be preventing her from having sex with her husband. She replies:
"Well, every morning, my husband gives me money for work, but it only covers my first bus there. So I get in the cab and the driver asks "So, you money for a ride today or what?" so I end having sex with the cab driver to cover my fare. Then, I arrive to work late and my boss calls me into his office and says "You're late again, am I gonna have to fire you or what?" so I have sex with my boss to keep my job. Then I don't have any money for lunch, so that's another "or what" with the cafeteria manager. I come back from lunch late, so that's an "or what" with my boss again. Then I leave to go home, another cab, another "or what" so by the time I get back to my house, I'm just completely exhausted."
The doctor thinks for a moment. Then he leans back on the table and says:
"So do you wanna tell your husband or what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct5bcz/a_woman_hasnt_had_sex_with_her_husband_in_years/
%
I tried to lie to my x-ray tech about my broken leg

But he could see right through me...
And then i didnt have a leg to stand on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct56s0/i_tried_to_lie_to_my_xray_tech_about_my_broken_leg/
%
What's E.T. short for?

Because he is got small legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct54ck/whats_et_short_for/
%
A man's wife sent him to the store. "Get a gallon of milk and if they have avacodos, get six."

The man returns with six gallons of milk.
"Why did you get six gallons of milk?"
"They had avacodos."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct4xcl/a_mans_wife_sent_him_to_the_store_get_a_gallon_of/
%
How do you drown a hipster?

Throw him in the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct4vhk/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
I asked my North Korean friend what life is like there

He said he couldn't complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct4u5r/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_what_life_is_like/
%
Why did the students eat their homework?

Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
I hope you enjoyed my cake day joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct4to1/why_did_the_students_eat_their_homework/
%
Someone told me i’m not very good at telling jokes.

And then i said, thats not a camel, thats my wife!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct4i7l/someone_told_me_im_not_very_good_at_telling_jokes/
%
Will my girlfriend leave me because of my love of TV dramas?

Find out next week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct4i0r/will_my_girlfriend_leave_me_because_of_my_love_of/
%
Miso soup

Is the only soup that brags about being soup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct4he5/miso_soup/
%
A man goes to the doctor

Doctor: "what seems to be the problem, sir?"
Man: "doctor... I think that, you and I together, have five testicles"
Doctor: "oh? You only have one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct4h8x/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What drug was the duck addicted to?

Quack cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct4h08/what_drug_was_the_duck_addicted_to/
%
Alligator

What do you call an Alligator in a vest?
An Investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct4g49/alligator/
%
That’s one amazing chimpanzee..

A widow walks into a pet store and approaches one of the sales reps, “My husband died recently and I’ve been feeling really lonely. Do you have any recommendations for a pet to keep me company?”
The sales rep says “What about a dog?”
“No no no, I’ve already had a dog and they’re a lot of work to clean up after”
“Well what about a cat? They’re low maintenance..”
The woman replies “No thank you, all that hair to clean up? And the litter to scoop?”
The representative thinks for a while and says “I have the perfect idea in mind for you. We just got a chimpanzee in and he can do it all, he can even help with chores around the house.”
The woman seems taken aback in disbelief, but the pet store worker assures her that he’s 100% serious. “Look, there’s a grocery right next door. Why don’t you take him grocery shopping and give him your list?”
The woman reluctantly agrees and takes the chimpanzee with her to do her grocery shopping. Sure enough, the chimpanzee went through the whole store and got every single item on the list, and even faster than the widow would have done. The widows returns to the pet store and says “You weren’t kidding! I’ll take him.”
The excited widow had an event to go to that evening, but was so impressed with the chimpanzee that she decided to take him along to the event including the bus ride there and back.
On the way back from the event there was a horrible accident involving the bus and every person died except the chimpanzee. The police are so impressed at the chimpanzee’s ability to communicate they start to interview him about the accident.
One of the officers sits down to interview the chimpanzee and asks “At the time of the accident, what was everyone doing?”
The chimpanzee gives it some thought and places his hand on his stomach and wiggles his hips back and forth.
“They were dancing??” asks the wide-eyed officer.
The chimpanzee confidently nods repeatedly.
“Well were they doing anything else?
The chimpanzee thinks and mimes drinking out of a cup.
“They were drinking?!” exclaims the officer.
The chimpanzees assuredly nods back to the officer.
The cop is completely taken aback by their behavior and asks “Well, while they were all doing this what were YOU doing?”
Raises his hands up and wiggles them like he’s driving the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct4bio/thats_one_amazing_chimpanzee/
%
I bought a new thesaurus but it's terrible

Not only is it terrible but it's also terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct49is/i_bought_a_new_thesaurus_but_its_terrible/
%
A man walks into a bank

and says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller is caught off guard by his language and says "Sir, I can help you but this is a place of business and we don't tolerate foul language." The man says "I just need to open a god damn checking account." Frustrated, the teller asks him to wait there and she goes to get her manager. She tells the manager what the issue is and he comes to the front to speak to the man. The manager says "Sir, I hear that we have an issue. I'm gonna need you to speak to my employee with respect or I'm going to have to ask you to leave." The man says, "What's the fucking issue? I just won $100 million in the lottery and I need to open a fucking checking account so I can deposit this god damn money!" to which the manager responds, "and this bitch is giving you a fucking problem?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct44cf/a_man_walks_into_a_bank/
%
I recently overcame an addiction to rolling around in mud

I've been clean  for 6 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct41un/i_recently_overcame_an_addiction_to_rolling/
%
Frieza from Dragon Ball Z gets a job as a medical receptionist

After a long day of fighting Vegeta comes into the Dr’s office to get some wounds looked at. As a new patient, Frieza directs him to fill out a hefty stack of new patient paperwork.
After some time, Vegeta brings his finished paperwork to Frieza only to be handed another stack of paperwork.
He fills out the new stack only to be handed *yet another* stack to complete.
Vegeta is filling out paperwork, filling out paperwork, filling out paperwork..
Annoyed and angry, Vegeta brings up his completed stack of papers to Frieza at the counter and says, “You better not have anything else for me..”
To which Frieza menacingly laughs, whips out another piece of paper and replies,
“YOU FOOL! THIS ISNT EVEN MY FINAL FORM!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct3v1v/frieza_from_dragon_ball_z_gets_a_job_as_a_medical/
%
I haven't had sex since 1957!

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1957 ma'am."
The woman, taken back by this answer said "1957?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour.
The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1957...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct3ryp/i_havent_had_sex_since_1957/
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A Pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walks into a bar and had a steering wheel on his pants.  The bartender asked what's with the steering wheel on your pants?
The pirate replied: "arrgh it drives me nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct3pyw/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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America has Trump, a euphemism in the UK for fart.

The UK has Johnson, a euphemism in America for penis.
Together we have President Fart and Prime Minister Penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct3lhp/america_has_trump_a_euphemism_in_the_uk_for_fart/
%
Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds.

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct3knz/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
%
Why does this sub love it when a tornado blows over miles of fences?

Because there's a lot of reposting to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct3grb/why_does_this_sub_love_it_when_a_tornado_blows/
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Michael and his wife had been married for thirty five years...

Michael and his wife had been married for thirty five years and things were, let's say, a little cold in the bedroom. One day while out shopping he decided to look for a little outside stimulation. He dropped his wife off at her favourite store and went across the street to the knock shop. He swaggers up to the madam and asks her "what kind of a fuck can a fellow get for fifty bucks?"
She snorts derisively and says "you're not going to get much for fifty bucks. All our girls start at two hundred. Try the place down the street." He goes to the next brothel and again inquires about his chances of moistening his manhood for fifty dollars. That madam tells him "You're living in the past, old man, you won't get anything for that."
Dejected, he goes back to meet his wife at the store. As they're walking out together, the madam from across the street sees them and calls out "I told you that you wouldn't get much for fifty bucks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct3gbk/michael_and_his_wife_had_been_married_for_thirty/
%
A man walks into a bar.

The only other person at  the bar is an older man. After a few moments of  silence the man turns  and says:
"You see this bar? I built  this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the  lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call  me McGreggor the bar builder? No."
He  continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with  my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right  through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall  builder? No."
"Do ya see that pier  out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands,  driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime.  Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."
"But you fuck one goat.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct3co9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My friend, who has a stutter, was telling us about his Nanna.

By the end of it we were all singing Hey Jude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct37uq/my_friend_who_has_a_stutter_was_telling_us_about/
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Has anyone ever read the book "My Overactive Bladder"?

It was written by I.P. Offton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct37hq/has_anyone_ever_read_the_book_my_overactive/
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So I finally watched Avengers Endgame last night...

It's about time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct37d5/so_i_finally_watched_avengers_endgame_last_night/
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One sock turned to the other

Left: knock knock
Right: Who's there?
Left: we live in a shh
Right: we live in a shh who?
Left: yes we do, right. Yes we do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct33zh/one_sock_turned_to_the_other/
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Greenland?

Greenland's not for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct339g/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and/
%
'Give it to me!' She yelled, 'I'm so fucking fucking wet, give it to me now!'

She could yell all she wanted, but I was keeping the damn umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct32bx/give_it_to_me_she_yelled_im_so_fucking_fucking/
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This is the worst one I came up with

So I have this friend from Ireland
Hes really  fat
I told him I'm really worried about his weight
He said  Why
I said because  you're  Dublin in size

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct30ax/this_is_the_worst_one_i_came_up_with/
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PETA wants to know your location.

A baby seal walks into a bar.
Bartender:  What can I get ya?
Baby seal:  Anything but a Canadian Club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct2zml/peta_wants_to_know_your_location/
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Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor?

Everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct2xdv/guess_who_i_bumped_into_on_the_way_to_the_eye/
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What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Trump's Tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct2svq/whats_18_inches_long_and_hangs_in_front_of_an/
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A boy accidentally sees his parents having sex...

His mom is sitting on top of his dad, and quickly spots their child gawking at them. She and her husband quickly scamper for their bathrobes and tell him to come in so they can talk.
The mom stammers 'so what you saw...em
...your dad has a a bit of a belly, and sometimes I sit on it to make it smaller!'
The son rolls his eyes. 'But mom, that doesn't work, cause when you leave for work, the lady from next door blows it back up!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct2sqc/a_boy_accidentally_sees_his_parents_having_sex/
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What did the paper say to the crayon when he found out that the crayon was pregnant?

Well color me surprised!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct2os1/what_did_the_paper_say_to_the_crayon_when_he/
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What does a house wear?

Address

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct2car/what_does_a_house_wear/
%
On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day's cases.

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.
The judged asked the boy why he came to court dirty and ill dressed, to which he replied 'It isn't my fault!' the judge ordered him back to the jailhouse to get cleaned up and to come back tomorrow. The bailiff brought out the next defendant, a young lady who was accused of drinking. She was dressed the same as the boy, even though she came from a wealthy family. "Why are you dressed like that, young lady?" The judge asked, and the defendant said the same thing. 'It isn't my fault!'
The bailiff brought out the third defendant, a sixteen year old accused of shooting his father. The young man was clean and shaven, and wore a relatively nice suit. The judge sent him away to prison and looked to the bailiff again. "I don't understand why those other two children were in such poor conditions," he asked.
"Oh," The bailiff said, "Well I dumped a bag of coal over their heads and put them in some old overalls, your honor."
The judge, red faced with anger, asked, "Why would you do that?!"
"You see your honor," The bailiff explained. "I was told they were to be tried as miners!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct2b0t/on_the_first_day_of_juvenal_court_the_judge_was/
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My friend kidnapped me in exchange for building supplies...

As my friend was making his demands over the phone for my release, I was confused that he would do this over 10 tons of limestone.
Me: “How could you do this?! We’ve always respected each other through thick and thin! You took me to this horrible place for stupid limestone?!”
Friend: “At least I haven’t taken  you for granite.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct284p/my_friend_kidnapped_me_in_exchange_for_building/
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A guy goes to his doctor for elbow pain...

The doctor gives him a specimen cup and requests a urine sample. “But doc, I’ve got elbow pain, why do you need a urine sample?”
Doc assures him,”we have the latest in technology, just go to the men’s room and give me a sample”, which he does. The doctor pours it in the top of a complex analysis unit and a short time later, it spits out a tape reading.
Doctor looks at it and says, “ you have tennis elbow”.
“That’s ridiculous” he says’ “I don’t play tennis!”
Doctor informs him it’s just a term for tendinitis in the elbow and sends him home with instructions not to overuse his arm and return in two weeks.
The guy returns two weeks later and the process is repeated. The doctor sends him home with the same instructions.
After several visits like this the guy is certain the doctor is just racking up billable hours, so before he goes to his next appointment he; has his wife pee in a can; his daughter pee in a can, catches his dogs pee in a can; puts some used oil from his car in the can and, for good measure; jacks off in it. He then hides it in the men’s room before the nurse takes him back to the examining room.
When the doc hands him the sample cup, he doesn’t question it and goes to the men’s room, pees in the cup and adds some of his stash to it, returning it to the doctor who blindly pours it in.
The unit goes freakin nuts; smoking, whirring, lights flashing, alarms going off-so the doctor asks him to have a seat in the waiting room.
An hour later the guy is called back, a smirk on his face and the doctor pulls out a two-foot long printout and reads the diagnoses: your wife, Sarah, has syphilis; your daughter, Tina, is pregnant; your dog, Jack, has cancer; your 2016 BMW is low on oil..............and if you don’t quit whacking off you’ll *never* get rid of that tennis elbow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct26mc/a_guy_goes_to_his_doctor_for_elbow_pain/
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A priest dies and stands in front of God.

God looks at the priest's ledger of good and evil and smiles after finishing it. Looking up at the priest, God says "I'm satisfied with how you've lived and how you've spent your life. I give you the option to choose — Hell or heaven?"
The priest is surprised. 'Who in their right minds would ever *choose* hell?'
Confidently, he says "Heaven, my master."
God nods. Instantly the priest is sent to the Heaven.
The priest looks around and finds a single, modest house. There's a tiny garden nearby and a few animals graze in it silently. The priest, having lived a life of modesty, settles quickly into the life. For lunch, he's given bread and butter. For dinner, he's given bread and butter.
The next day, he finds bread and butter for breakfast. He wonders, 'Maybe this is temporary.'
Finding a tiny hole in the wall, he walks to it and peeps into what the status is in Hell. He's shocked at what he sees.
A full banquet has been laid. People eat all kinds of fruits and sandwiches. They're drinking merrily and laughing. It doesn't look like Hell at all, for the priest had imagined Satan burning the men and women at stakes and laughing devilishly.
Dissapointed at the Lord's ways, but accepting them nevertheless he goes back to his hut.
For an entire week, he endures bread and butter. The silence around his hut suffocates him. Unable to sustain it anymore, he walks to the Lord.
"Why, if I've chosen Heaven, am I treated so badly? Where is my banquet and my half of fun? Is my service all in vain? Why do I have to eat the bread and butter every day?" he laments.
God looks at the priest as if he has missed the obvious and says, "Well, we're not going to keep the kitchen busy and running just for one person, right?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct25uu/a_priest_dies_and_stands_in_front_of_god/
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I was fired from my job as a submarine helmsman today.

As to why? I just can't fathom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct22w8/i_was_fired_from_my_job_as_a_submarine_helmsman/
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I'm not proud of this.

I want to learn to cook but who's got Thyme?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct22ms/im_not_proud_of_this/
%
Why is putting your car in reverse so nostalgic?

Because it takes you back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct22go/why_is_putting_your_car_in_reverse_so_nostalgic/
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My wife says I have a gambling problem.

I bet her $50 I didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct202h/my_wife_says_i_have_a_gambling_problem/
%
If you run in front of a car.

If you run in front of a car, you get tired.
If you run behind a car, you get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct1x6t/if_you_run_in_front_of_a_car/
%
I was trying to make a graph of my past relationships

It had an ex-axis and a why axis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct1vje/i_was_trying_to_make_a_graph_of_my_past/
%
Why doesn't the Vatican take credit cards?

Because they like Papal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct1uh8/why_doesnt_the_vatican_take_credit_cards/
%
What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct1qni/what_has_one_horn_and_gives_milk/
%
There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator

Only a fraction of people would find this funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct1ono/there_is_a_fine_line_between_the_numerator_and/
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My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
*EDIT: Yesterday was really hard, but you guys really brightened it up. I read every comment I could and I loved every joke I came across. I didn't intend this to get insanely huge the way it did, but I'm really glad that so many people got to laugh at a joke my Gramps told me even after he was gone. And no, he didn't write it, but he told it in his own way that I couldn't have come close to duplicating. I love you all and I look forward to making more jokes. Thank you.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct1kea/my_gramps_just_passed_away_this_was_his_favorite/
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Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you are prepared for the reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct1ikh/dont_challenge_death_to_a_pillow_fight/
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I caught a sickness where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

The doctor said it's terminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct1g7q/i_caught_a_sickness_where_i_cant_stop_telling/
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Me: Fuck, Marry, Kill–

OJ: Yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct1c8w/me_fuck_marry_kill/
%
I had a splinter once

It eventually got out of hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct16yi/i_had_a_splinter_once/
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A couple of elders pass away together.

They meet in Paradise. They have a nice three rooms suite in a beautiful hotel with a cute view on the lake.
She has miles and miles of shops with women stuff and befriends a few fine ladies to hang out with.
He goes to a pub, meets nice men to play card with. Beer is fresh and a couple of whiskey shots are even better. He smokes good cigars and none seem to care if ash goes down to the ground.
When wife and husband  meet again in their apartment, she is worried because her husband has a grumpy face.
"What's up dear. Here is wonderful. We are in Heaven. We are together, you should be happy".
And the husband replies:
"Shut up! If it wasn't for you being a healthy life maniac we would have been here for at least thirty years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct16j9/a_couple_of_elders_pass_away_together/
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A 70 year old lady applies to a university

At the interview, the interviewers ask her:
"Why are you applying at such an age?"
and she replied
"Because my husband has always dreamed of sleeping with a student."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct15v5/a_70_year_old_lady_applies_to_a_university/
%
Saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall the other day.

It was a little condescending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct0yw6/saw_a_dwarf_prisoner_climbing_down_a_wall_the/
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Washing Dishes In The Countryside

Jim visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, Jim's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Jim noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandpa replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal."
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, Jim was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. "Are you sure these plates are clean?" he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!"
Later, as Jim was leaving, his grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.
Jim said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me get by!"
Grandpa yelled to the dog, "Cold Water, go lie down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct0rba/washing_dishes_in_the_countryside/
%
A man won the lottery

So he came home and yelled to his wife, “honey, I won the lottery, pack your bags”
She replied, “oh my gosh, should I pack for the mountains or the beach?”
He answered, “I don’t care, just get the fuck out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct0kbn/a_man_won_the_lottery/
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A couple both aged 78 went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?".
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex", and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything", the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50.......  and I get $43 back from Medicare"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct0j87/a_couple_both_aged_78_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
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A man goes to a Buddhist retreat

to get in touch with his spiritual side.  While there he takes part in meditation, gardening, running and listening to music.   He also notices a group of monks doing some strange things.   Every day the monks would spend the morning digging holes, putting up posts, in the afternoon they would place fence sections between the posts, only to tear it all down in the evening. After a few days of seeing this he gets curious and asks some of his fellow vacationers what is going on.  They have no idea but they too have noticed the strange ritual.  Finally he asks one of the monks," why do you spend  all day just putting up a fence just to take it down?"  The monk took measure of the man, took a deep breath and said," This is the truth path here, for the best way to get Karma is through reposts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct0fd9/a_man_goes_to_a_buddhist_retreat/
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[NSFW] What's the best thing about 90s women?

No Penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct0dtz/nsfw_whats_the_best_thing_about_90s_women/
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Jokes about homosexuals are not funny.

I mean come on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct0dn7/jokes_about_homosexuals_are_not_funny/
%
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change ...

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note...
...I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't, so I gave him the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct0dab/the_other_day_a_homeless_man_asked_me_for_some/
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A man moved in to a new apartment,

He was excited because he now lived very close to his job and would no longer have to endure the horrendous traffic to and from work. While plotting his walk in the morning he noted that his path took him by a mental institution. Thoroughly enjoying his morning stroll , he heard some voices drifting over a tall wood fence that covered the block.
“ six, six, six, six “ the voices chanted.
“The asylum” he remembered
, and put it out of his mind. On the way home the chant was now
“ eight, eight, eight”.
On the next morning as he passed the asylum the chant had changed again,
“Ten, ten, ten” they called
Staring at the fence as he passed he noticed a small knothole in the fence. His curiosity getting the better of him, he put his eye to he hole. Immediately a finger poked him in the eye, recoiling in pain on to the ground he heard the chant change again
“Eleven! Eleven! Eleven!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct0byk/a_man_moved_in_to_a_new_apartment/
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Fishing is expensive

A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid says “One”.
The boss says “Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says “$165,000”.
The boss says “$165,000? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Ford Pinto would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Chevy 4 wheel drive.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’ ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ct0166/fishing_is_expensive/
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A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small, got absolutely trashed after the first drink.
Being the adult of the group, potato decided it was time to head home. When they all left the bar, lemon thought that they had been drinking too much so they shouldn't be driving home. Pea suggested that since they are all relatively circular in shape, they can just roll home. Potato and lemon thought it would be a good idea, so they all rolled down a hill towards their homes.
Potato was bumping and flailing everywhere due to his abnormal shape. Lemon was also bumping and flailing everywhere because he wasn't perfectly circular either. Pea, however, was having the time of his life. Once they all landed at the bottom of the hill, potato was feeling exhausted, lemon was almost puking, and pea was jumping with joy, screaming "Let's do that again! Let's do that again!" Potato, who had some sense left, scolded pea saying "Easy Pea-sy, Lemon's queasy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cszpss/a_pea_a_lemon_and_a_potato_went_to_the_bar/
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You hear about the gay football player?

Rookie season he was a tight end. Now he's a wide receiver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cszpet/you_hear_about_the_gay_football_player/
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Shirley is driving to office for the first time when

her husband calls her on phone "Honey!! Please be very careful. It's being telecasted on the news that a maniac is driving recklessly on route 256 in the wrong direction".
Shirley goes : " One maniac? There's hundreds of these bastards".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cszhvm/shirley_is_driving_to_office_for_the_first_time/
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Before was was was

Was was is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cszgc7/before_was_was_was/
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If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!
*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cszbs4/if_platelets_could_play_music_what_instrument/
%
What do you call a Norwegian party?

A Fjord Fiesta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cszbkh/what_do_you_call_a_norwegian_party/
%
What is the most frightening plant?

BamBOO!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cszbam/what_is_the_most_frightening_plant/
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I have sensitive teeth.

Even me just saying that offends them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csz29k/i_have_sensitive_teeth/
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What do you call a missing parrot?

A polygon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csz1u0/what_do_you_call_a_missing_parrot/
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Snake-headed raccoon

A man goes to the hardware store, and says he needs an animal with the head of a snake and the body of a raccoon. The store keeper asks him what the heck he needs a snake-headed raccoon for. The man explains that his yard is full of leaves, and needs tidying. The store keeper asks the man how such an abomination of nature could possibly help him clean up his yard. The man replies: "Well an animal with the body of a snake and the head of a raccoon would be called a snakoon. So I thought if I had an animal with the body of a raccoon and the head of a snake I'd be all set".
The store keeper stares at the man for a long moment, and then lets out an annoyed sigh. "Rakes are in aisle 3"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csysas/snakeheaded_raccoon/
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My teacher said that two positives can't make a negative.

Yeah right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csyqsm/my_teacher_said_that_two_positives_cant_make_a/
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A clean dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.” “But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.  About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.  The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.” “Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.” “Oh, what was it then?” “I think it was the spin cycle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csypkg/a_clean_dog/
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I'm going to do a degree in gender studies...

I think I'll do quite well. I can already count to two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csylsf/im_going_to_do_a_degree_in_gender_studies/
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A penguin is having car trouble and stops at a mechanic that is across from the mall.

He drops it off at the mechanic's shop and goes to the mall to kill some time. He does does some shopping.
He stops in at the ice cream shop and returns to the mechanic’s shop.
The mechanic: "Looks like you blew a seal ..."
Penguin: "No, I just ate some ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csyftl/a_penguin_is_having_car_trouble_and_stops_at_a/
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My veterinarians favorite joke.

A traveling salesman is walking down a country road, and passes a farm. In the middle of the field he sees a farmer, standing under an apple tree. The farmer holds a pig in his arms. The salesman stops and watches as the farmer walks around the tree with the pig, and holds it up so that the pig can eat an apple right off of a tree branch. Amazed, the salesman sees the farmer lift the pig so that it can eat about four apples in this manner.
“Mr. Farmer,” yells the salesman, “wouldn’t it take a lot less time if you just put the pig on the ground, and let him eat the apples that have fallen off of the tree?”
The farmer pauses in his work, turns to the salesman and says, “Well, maybe, but really, what’s time to a pig?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csy9ce/my_veterinarians_favorite_joke/
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I like kitchen sex...

Its probably the only time I will ever get laid on an island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csy8qb/i_like_kitchen_sex/
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What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite movie

It’s frozen you fucking idiot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csy7f3/whats_gordon_ramsays_favorite_movie/
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A Doctor tells his patient "You have three days left to live. But there's also good news."

They are not consecutive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csy5f8/a_doctor_tells_his_patient_you_have_three_days/
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I asked a french man if he plays video games

He said wii

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csxz4o/i_asked_a_french_man_if_he_plays_video_games/
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There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csxqpf/there_is_no_incest_in_alabama_you_can_ask_my_dad/
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What do Kardashians and trash cans have in common?

They both contain a lot of plastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csxomy/what_do_kardashians_and_trash_cans_have_in_common/
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The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csxa6n/the_secret_service_isnt_allowed_to_yell_get_down/
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Early to rise, early to bed...

Makes a man healthy, but socially dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csx5wk/early_to_rise_early_to_bed/
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My wife and I tried using a ouija board.

She refuses to believe that i'm not intentionally moving the planchette. I cant help that any time she asks it a question it replies with "GIVE ANAL".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csx3jx/my_wife_and_i_tried_using_a_ouija_board/
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There is an argument taking place between a son and father regarding marriage.

Father: "So,you will only marry your girlfriend and no other girl ?"
Son: "Yes."
Father:"What does she have in her that the others don't ?"
Son: "Your grandchild."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cswu1r/there_is_an_argument_taking_place_between_a_son/
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Jumping from the bridge...

Bikers were riding west on I-70 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to jump!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he
asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you going to jump?"
"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cswodt/jumping_from_the_bridge/
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[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this

A horse walked into a bar
Bartender:  Hey
Horse: Yes please

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cswltg/warning_content_not_funny_do_not_click_into_this/
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A foreign doctor opens a new clinic

A foreign doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 42 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 42 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doctor: "Congrats! You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!"
Doctor: "Congrats! Your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cswamt/a_foreign_doctor_opens_a_new_clinic/
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What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?

Your Mom can't take a joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csvw3e/whats_the_difference_between_3_cocks_and_a_joke/
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What do you call a carnivore that reproduces itself?

Asexual Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csvrou/what_do_you_call_a_carnivore_that_reproduces/
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What does Minecraft and Porn Games have in common?

The first thing you do is get wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csvo1y/what_does_minecraft_and_porn_games_have_in_common/
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I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me...

I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csvnn2/i_met_a_drunk_ventriloquist_who_said_she_wanted/
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I went back to see my doctor yesterday.

I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.
I said, "On the bus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csvc2p/i_went_back_to_see_my_doctor_yesterday/
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If our last names came from the jobs of our ancestors...

Then I feel really bad for the boys of the "Dickinson" family tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csuy76/if_our_last_names_came_from_the_jobs_of_our/
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UN was recruting new soldiers so a German, American and Chinese guy applied.

To get accepted they had to pass some tests.
The first test was infront of a forest.
The UN officer yells to the german: bring us some wood.
He runs into the forest and after half an hour he returns with hands full of branches and planks.
After that the officer yells to the American: bring us some water.
He runs into the forest and after an hour he returns with full water canteens.
Lastly he yells to the Chinese fellow: bring us some other supplies.
The guy runs into the forest and after 3, 4 hours he is still not returning. So the rest of the group heads out to find him.
Suddenly out of a bush the Chinese guy jumps out screaming: Suuuuppplllaaaayyzzz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csusw0/un_was_recruting_new_soldiers_so_a_german/
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Soz it's long

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csuspb/soz_its_long/
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Most people have weird things that turn them on

But as a doctor I get my kicks from knee cap reflexes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csuoa2/most_people_have_weird_things_that_turn_them_on/
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I heard there was an homosexual in my football team.

I hope it's Josh. He's pretty cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csujxo/i_heard_there_was_an_homosexual_in_my_football/
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A step-to-step Guide on how to fall down stairs:

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Step 6
Step 9
Step 16
Step 28

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csujwc/a_steptostep_guide_on_how_to_fall_down_stairs/
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I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school

She’s a cadaver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csuf9o/im_so_proud_of_my_grandma_at_90_years_old_she/
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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight reflected off the moon. He had a lot on his mind, since he was not only recently married, but he had a four year old daughter to take care of.
The thought of not being able to provide for his toddler weighted down his head, and his eyes stayed focused on the ground. Though his mind drifted between thoughts and worries, the cold kept his body rigid and alert. The ethereal night seemed to not even faze the young man, content on going home. He was far enough away from town now to see the stars, but he'd never get far enough away to see the explosive beauty of the unpolluted night sky.
At last he arrived at his home. Though his mind remained inactive, his body reached into his suede jacket and removed the keys within, turning the lock without issue. He stumbled inside, leaving his shoes and his mind by the door. His hands curled around his neck and tugged on his red tie until it came loose, and then they loosed their grip until it fell to the ground. His body dropped into bed, and his mind joined it, without even worrying about bathing. The heat of his loved one warmed his frozen muscles, and he fell joyously into the arms of sleep.
He emerged from rest at 10 o clock AM. It was a Saturday now. The young man, reinvigorated, quickly bathed and put on new clothes. The heat of the water nearly lulled him back to sleep, but the sudden rush of cold he experienced after his shower brought him back out. The nervous young man carried his lazy bones into the kitchen, where they were greeted by the aroma of pancakes and bacon. His love, bless her soul, had prepared breakfast for them. The whole family gathered around the table and enjoyed a meal. At one point, the young girl noticed her father's glass was empty. "You're glass went empty, daddy," she mumbled with an innocent smile on her face that only toddlers can have "would you like another one?" Her father grew a massive grin "Why would I want two empty glasses?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cstzxo/a_young_man_is_walking_home_from_his_job_at_a/
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I'm writing a book, but I think it's gay.

It's coming out soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cstv39/im_writing_a_book_but_i_think_its_gay/
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I finally become smart enough...

...to know I'm dumb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csta8l/i_finally_become_smart_enough/
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What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowtan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cssyyg/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_kittens/
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To whoever stole my trainers and high-vis jacket :

You can run but you can’t hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csqzs8/to_whoever_stole_my_trainers_and_highvis_jacket/
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An elderly couple visit the doctor for their check up...

The doctor says to the husband, " I will need a stool sample, a urine sample, a blood sample, and a semen sample."
The husband does not hear well asks several times for the doctor to repeat.
Finally the wife speaks up, "Oh honey, just give him your underwear! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csqybw/an_elderly_couple_visit_the_doctor_for_their/
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How come anteaters never get sick?

They are full of anty bodies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csqwbx/how_come_anteaters_never_get_sick/
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Two Italian Men Get On a Bus

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csqv52/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
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A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more
than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of
here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
yours."
Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
produce life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father that's wonderful, Stick it in the camel and let's get the f...out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csqouh/a_nun_and_a_priest_were_crossing_the_sahara/
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People who wear glasses must be really excited for next year.

It's the first time they'll see 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csqfyb/people_who_wear_glasses_must_be_really_excited/
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that burned down?

All that was left was de-brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csqcak/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_that_burned/
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A farmer’s wife is looking out the window as she is washing some dishes and sees her son walking home from school.

The son is visibly angry. As he’s walking he kicks a pig. He continues to walk and kicks a chicken. When he gets inside the house the mother confronts him.
She says, “I saw what you did out there. For kicking the pig you get no bacon for one week and for kicking the chicken you get no eggs for one week!”
The father then walks into the house and kicks the cat and the son asks, “Are you going to tell him or should I?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csq858/a_farmers_wife_is_looking_out_the_window_as_she/
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A Farmer and His Pigs

One day, a businessman living in New York decides he needs a break. He is feeling a little beat-up by the stresses of city life, and he concludes that a leisurely drive in the country would do him a world of good. So, he rents a car, and he sets off on his quest to find some peace of mind.
As he drives along a beautiful country road, he sees something odd in the distance. As he gets closer, he can see that it is a farmer standing under a tree near the road holding a pig. Curious, he pulls to the side of the road. He watches intently as the farmer picks up one pig after another to let them eat an apple from the tree. This curious behavior fascinates the businessman as he watches this go on for several minutes. Finally, he can no longer contain himself. He calls out to the farmer, “Excuse me sir, but what exactly are you doing?” The farmer calmly replies, “Why, feeding the pigs, of course.” The businessman is a little surprised. He calls out to the farmer again, “But, wouldn’t it save a lot of time if you just shook the tree to cause the apples to fall to the ground so that the pigs could eat them there?” The farmer looks at the businessman, confused, and he replies, “Time? Pigs got no concept of time!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csq0ne/a_farmer_and_his_pigs/
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My mum said you would never make a car out of spaghetti...

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cspszq/my_mum_said_you_would_never_make_a_car_out_of/
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What do you call babies enrolled in the military?

Infantry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cspmom/what_do_you_call_babies_enrolled_in_the_military/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csplkg/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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I had to put a bomb inside a bull today. So I guess you could say he’s

__*Abominable..*__

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cspkry/i_had_to_put_a_bomb_inside_a_bull_today_so_i/
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Do you know what a sex stone is?

It’s a fucking rock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csph26/do_you_know_what_a_sex_stone_is/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csp8bd/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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Flame tattoos

Looking back at my many tattoos, I’m glad I never did the whole flames on the arms thing. . .
There’s too many places that don’t allow firearms inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csp00c/flame_tattoos/
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Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're *always* plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csozwk/never_trust_math_teachers_who_use_graph_paper/
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A Jewish man's wife dies.

He purchases a single line of space from a local newspaper to post an obituary for his wife.
The editor asks him about what to write and the man replies: "Susan Goldberg died. R.I.P."
After typing the words, the editor says: "Hey, we can fit a few more words into this line."
The Jew asks: "For the same price?"
The editor confirms that no extra payment is needed.
Upon hearing this, the Jew says: "Susan Goldberg died. R.I.P. Car for sale."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csov89/a_jewish_mans_wife_dies/
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He who laughs last

Probably didn't filter by new.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csostz/he_who_laughs_last/
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R/jokes I started a business using giant yoyo’s to get water out of deep holes.

It has its ups and downs but it’s going well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csosi6/rjokes_i_started_a_business_using_giant_yoyos_to/
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The kid who used to bully me in school still takes my money..

On the plus side, he makes a pretty decent Subway sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csonow/the_kid_who_used_to_bully_me_in_school_still/
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My wife asked me what number is the sportiest?

I told her ten is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cson8g/my_wife_asked_me_what_number_is_the_sportiest/
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A 93 year old man is about to marry a 24 year old girl...

He goes to his doctor and asks for a Viagra prescription after telling the doctor his situation with an impending new young bride.
His doctor warns him: “ Given the length of time that you have abstained from sex, I’ve got to warn you- sex could prove to be fatal.”
“Doc”, says the old man, “if she dies, she dies.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csogra/a_93_year_old_man_is_about_to_marry_a_24_year_old/
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Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?

Because it’s hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csoezz/why_cant_lesbians_diet_and_wear_makeup_at_the/
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I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csoeqg/i_misplaced_dwayne_johnsons_cutting_tool_for_the/
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What do you call a bee that falls down a hill?

A stumble bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csoe3r/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_falls_down_a_hill/
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What does a naturalist call a brothel?

A whorest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csobbu/what_does_a_naturalist_call_a_brothel/
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Interviewer:”Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “ Well, I would say “good at following directions”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csob72/interviewerdescribe_yourself_in_three_words/
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JFK walks into a photo studio

"I'm here for the headshots..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csob61/jfk_walks_into_a_photo_studio/
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A young girl is praying before bed on Christmas Eve...

"Dear God, please help me with my dyslexia, Mom and Dad had to help me with my list to santa. I almost asked Satan for my first bar. I was so embarrassed. Also, please be with those poorer and less fortunate than us. Amen"
And God said to the little girl, "Woof!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csoa06/a_young_girl_is_praying_before_bed_on_christmas/
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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"
The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."
"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door, "send in Mrs. Fluffkins!"
In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman's husband, the cat swatted at the man's face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room.
"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Walter!"
In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman's husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor's gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room.
"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Collin!"
Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled, "OY CUNT YA HUSBANDS FUCKIN' DEAD" and walked out of the room.
"Thank you Collin," said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall "Ma'am can you come in here?"
A elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head, then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds. Ding. She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor.
The doctor looked at the card, "Dead. Thank you ma'am, that'll be all."
The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband's lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard.
"I'm sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead." He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. "Take this to the front desk and they'll check you out."
The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk.
The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said, "I'm sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000."
"32 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can't possibly be right, I've never paid that much to see the doctor."
The receptionist looked over the paper again, "Well it's $100 copay for the doctors visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma'am-ogram, and a stool analysis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cso94b/an_old_woman_took_her_husband_to_the_doctor_the/
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Did you hear about the woman who invented the knock knock joke?

She won the no-bell prize!
(Courtesy of my new Alexa!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cso066/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_invented_the/
%
My mother wondered why I was massaging the oven.

I was just trying to turn it on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csnzrt/my_mother_wondered_why_i_was_massaging_the_oven/
%
A man finds a magic lamp from which a genie suddenly pops out...

...the man can not believe what he sees but quickly understands what it means. In excitement, he starts reciting his first wish when the genie cuts him.
"You who saved me from my curse shall receives three wishes as symbol of my gratitude, all though, I should firs-"
"Spare me the details" ordered the man in a hurry
The genie snaps his fingers, and promptly ads :
"This I did, you may now ask me two more wishes"
In shock, the man says :
"No way ! Tell me I did not waste my first wish"
At that, the genie snaps once again his fingers and ads :
"You did not waste your first wish, you may now ask for your last wish"
About to break down, the man let down
"Oh, fuck me..."
to which echoed a snap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csnyq6/a_man_finds_a_magic_lamp_from_which_a_genie/
%
When the guy who invented the USB flash drive dies,

they are going to put his coffin in the ground, lift it back up and turn it over, then put it back into the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csnyjb/when_the_guy_who_invented_the_usb_flash_drive_dies/
%
Where does a general keep his armies?

In his sleevies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csnmxj/where_does_a_general_keep_his_armies/
%
Why did the Scarecrow win an award?

Because it achieved outstanding results in its field of work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csnmxi/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
The person who stole my diary died recently

My thoughts are with his family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csnlrv/the_person_who_stole_my_diary_died_recently/
%
I got a call from the hospital. "Sir, your wife has broken her arm in four places."

So I replied, "Well, I guess she better avoid those places."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csnk45/i_got_a_call_from_the_hospital_sir_your_wife_has/
%
When it comes to atomic bombs

You have to go double or nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csniy5/when_it_comes_to_atomic_bombs/
%
The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York…

Because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csniwf/the_whole_world_should_be_worried_that_north/
%
Scientists have discovered that when you sneeze the sensation is 1/16 of an orgasm.

Which is why I leave a pot of pepper on my wife’s bedside, because she at least deserves *something*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csni9i/scientists_have_discovered_that_when_you_sneeze/
%
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?

Piiig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csnh4m/what_do_you_call_a_pig_with_three_eyes/
%
"Sorry about all that ice I spilled in your kitchen earlier", my friend said.

I told him, "Don't worry about it, it's all water under the fridge now".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csn8gk/sorry_about_all_that_ice_i_spilled_in_your/
%
Why can't Antonio Brown get married?

Because he has cold feet!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csn31d/why_cant_antonio_brown_get_married/
%
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall ?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csmqp1/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_a_wall/
%
An old man goes to the doctor for the first time in years.

He is very hard of hearing so he brings his wife along to help. The doctor gives him the once over, and says "I'd like to do a full workup. I'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample."
The old guy turns to his wife, "What'd he say?"
She replies, "HE SAID HE WANTS YOUR PYJAMAS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csmns5/an_old_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_the_first_time/
%
When my friends wife was in labor, he would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain but this didn't amuse her much.

I guess it was the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csmjz2/when_my_friends_wife_was_in_labor_he_would_tell/
%
How does a penguin build a house?

Igloos it together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csmc2f/how_does_a_penguin_build_a_house/
%
Guy walks up to his wife and tells her to say something that makes him both happy and sad.

She thought about it for a minute and replied, “out of all your friends you have the biggest dick”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cslwo7/guy_walks_up_to_his_wife_and_tells_her_to_say/
%
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cslrtt/i_regret_rubbing_ketchup_in_my_eyes/
%
I caught my friend harassing some electricity.

I told him it was an abuse of power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csloi8/i_caught_my_friend_harassing_some_electricity/
%
Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question.
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!".
If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
THE NUN FAINTED.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cslg87/which_part_of_the_body_goes_to_heaven_first/
%
How many Jehovah'a witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, and two to go to your house and ask if you've seen the light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cslcyh/how_many_jehovaha_witnesses_does_it_take_to/
%
How does Harry potter prefer to get down a hill?

walking
jk rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csl4mu/how_does_harry_potter_prefer_to_get_down_a_hill/
%
So I just got home after a date and the girl wanted to join me for some coffee.

I said no.
Who the fuck drinks coffee at 10PM?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csl2qp/so_i_just_got_home_after_a_date_and_the_girl/
%
My friend asked me if I could name two different structures that hold water.

I said, "Well, dam..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csl1k9/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_could_name_two_different/
%
Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.
She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.
After eating them for a week she notices two things. Firstly, her lips are full and glossy, unchapped, uncracked, and require absolutely no lip gloss to make them look full and pouty.
Secondly she has really awful bad breath and even her cat won't come near her.
Pleased with her lips, however, and spotting a money-making idea, she contacts a big cosmetics company and explains about the lip-enhancing qualities of her cauliflower crop.
After a month of testing the company buys the entire crop of cauliflowers for a phenomenal amount and requests that Mary grow some more as soon as possible.
The company proceeds to make lipstick out of them but experiences problems in the the final product manufacture. The lipstick does not gel correctly into a solid stick and ends up crumbling upon application. Quality controllers also find that, even as a lipstick, the bad breath remains and have to put it down as an unfortunate side effect.
As they are nearing their production deadline and adverts for this new wonder lip enhancer have hit the streets, the cosmetics company has no choice but to produce the packaging with the following caution.
Poppins' Pop-up Lip Enhancer:
SUPER CAULI, FRAGILE LIPSTICK - EXPECT-HALITOSIS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csl1jd/mary_poppins_decided_to_grow_some_vegetables/
%
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cskubq/why_do_gorillas_have_big_nostrils/
%
My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation

Now I'm worried shitless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csktbe/my_doctor_diagnosed_me_with_anxiety_and/
%
How to know if there's more than one yolk in an egg?

You can use an eggs-ray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cskrcb/how_to_know_if_theres_more_than_one_yolk_in_an_egg/
%
Don't judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you do judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cskm6v/dont_judge_someone_until_you_walk_a_mile_in_their/
%
Woman dies, gets to the gates. Peter’s like what’s uuuup Danielle! We been waiting for you!

She starts registering when she hears this blood-curdling scream from inside, and asks what that was about.
“Oh that’s just Bill drilling the holes in for the wings. Don’t worry about it.”
She continues another few steps, and hears this booming moan of pain.
“OK WHAT WAS THAT?”
“Relax that’s Larry riveting in the halo. No big deal. C’mon.”
“I can’t.. I can’t do this. Just send me to hell. Send me,” she says.
“What?! You’ll get raped and sodomized down there!”
“YEA BUT I *HAVE* HOLES FOR THAT”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cskl2l/woman_dies_gets_to_the_gates_peters_like_whats/
%
A joke told by a priest today

The father of a marrying age girl, and the local law man, told a suitor to either go to jail or marry his daughter.
The man gave in and got married.
Years later, at dinner with his wife, the man broke down crying. His wife asked what was wrong, and he said,
"Today is the day I would've been released from jail."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csk9wu/a_joke_told_by_a_priest_today/
%
I'm not sure of the definition of Occam's Razor

but I'm sure it's a simple one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csk3ka/im_not_sure_of_the_definition_of_occams_razor/
%
Making a dog happy is so easy

It's a walk in the park.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csju9d/making_a_dog_happy_is_so_easy/
%
Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck today.

Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csjrsj/bought_a_new_muzzle_for_my_pet_duck_today/
%
There once was a girl from Kent...

...whose nose was slightly bent. One day we suppose...she followed her nose...
...cuz nobody knows where she went.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csjkfm/there_once_was_a_girl_from_kent/
%
A square and a rectangle walk into a bar.

They both sit down, order a beer, and wait for the bartender to prepare their drinks.
They each take a sip; it's nice and cold. There's an abundance of bubbles in and on the beverage; perfect.
The square looks over next to him; the rectangle is looking down at his nearly empty beer, his face one of sadness.
The square, having never seen a rectangle before, is slightly confused.
“Are all rectangles like this?” he thinks to himself, every now and then casually casting a glance at the depressed rectangle who, by now, had ordered a second beer.
The square was known in his community as being approachable, friendly, and a good source of emotional support. He was kind and caring, and was determined to stay that way.
The square, who by now had also ordered a second beer, decides that he would try and help the rectangle with whatever it was that was on its mind.
He takes a sip of his beer, a deep breath, then he turns around and asks,
“Why the long face?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csjflt/a_square_and_a_rectangle_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A man bursts into a doctor’s surgery. “Doctor, doctor! I’ve got strawberries coming out of my anus!”

The doctor asks if the man would like some cream for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csjf6l/a_man_bursts_into_a_doctors_surgery_doctor_doctor/
%
A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.

I am now in Ireland starting a new life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csjba1/a_man_waved_at_me_so_i_waved_him_back_but/
%
Be careful with NASA’s toilet paper...

It will leave rings around your anus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csjag1/be_careful_with_nasas_toilet_paper/
%
There was this physicist who came to the ice cream bar every day

to buy two ice creams: one for himself and another that he offers to the empty spot next to him.
Eventually, the ice cream salesman asks him: "Why do you keep doing that?"
P: "Well... quantum mechanics teach us that it's theoratically possible for a girl to spontaneously burst into existence next to me and would want to accept my gift and be my girlfriend."
S: "But... plenty of hot, single women come here. Why don't you offer one of them an ice cream and maybe one of them will be your girlfriend?"
P: "Yeah, but what are the odds to that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csjad2/there_was_this_physicist_who_came_to_the_ice/
%
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csj86h/why_did_the_cows_return_to_the_marijuana_field/
%
A man was very fond of his new Corvette. So, he invited a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor to come and bless it.

The Priest sprinkled the car with holy water and chanted in Latin, the Pastor invoked the name of god and led everyone into silent prayer, and the Rabbi sang a hymn and cut of the tip of the car’s tailpipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csj78n/a_man_was_very_fond_of_his_new_corvette_so_he/
%
What's the worst way to introduce yourself to a seasoning?

Cumin side her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csj5o2/whats_the_worst_way_to_introduce_yourself_to_a/
%
What do you call a careful wolf?

A werewolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csj50j/what_do_you_call_a_careful_wolf/
%
I remember almost falling out of a window when I saw a £50 note,

Thank God I don't fall for that stuff anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csj4zk/i_remember_almost_falling_out_of_a_window_when_i/
%
A woman on vacation in Scotland

...is at a pub when a man walks in in a kilt.
She's on vacation, and she's been drinking so she's brave enough to ask the question that's been on her mind.
"Excuse me sir, but what do you guys wear underneath your kilts?"
"Ayy lass, go'on an 'ave a look for yourself".
She lifts his kilt and replies in disgusted shock, "Oh! It's gruesome!"
The Scot replies, "If you 'ave another look you'll find it's grew some more!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csj2nx/a_woman_on_vacation_in_scotland/
%
An elderly woman goes to the doctor's because she is concerned her constant farting.

She says " the farts are always silent and don't smell, but they're a nuisance"
The doctor prescribed some medication, and tells her to be back in a week.
A week later, she comes back, concerned, and complains that her farts are now terribly loud.
The doctor prescribes more medication, and tells her to be back in a week.
A week later, she comes back, concerned as ever, and says "doctor, not only are my farts loud, but now they smell horrid".
To which the doctor replies: "good, now that we've fixed your sense of smell and hearing, we can get onto your problem".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csj0fy/an_elderly_woman_goes_to_the_doctors_because_she/
%
What kind of lotion do authors apply at the beach?

Writers block.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csiviw/what_kind_of_lotion_do_authors_apply_at_the_beach/
%
A man is walking home late at night...

...when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csioeb/a_man_is_walking_home_late_at_night/
%
What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csimnk/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
What did Tennessee?

The same thing that Arkansas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csilvs/what_did_tennessee/
%
Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because They don’t know where home is.?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csigbn/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
Ex called to say the Dr wants her to quit smoking because of her heart and lungs.

Me: What one did he say is blacker?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csi8f3/ex_called_to_say_the_dr_wants_her_to_quit_smoking/
%
“Officer, how did the hackers manage to get away?”

“I have no idea. They just ransomware.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csi0wr/officer_how_did_the_hackers_manage_to_get_away/
%
My nerf gun bullet reminds me of my father

Both disappeared after I've played with them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cshwax/my_nerf_gun_bullet_reminds_me_of_my_father/
%
Mental illness joke. (I have this illness so I'm laughing at myself) I used to have a beautiful girlfriend who loved and cherished me before I got diagnosed with Schizophrenia

Then they put me on some pills and she disappeared

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cshstj/mental_illness_joke_i_have_this_illness_so_im/
%
I don't trust stairs.

They're always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cshs6x/i_dont_trust_stairs/
%
What do political opinions and a penis have in common?

It is rude to bust them out in public...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cshl7k/what_do_political_opinions_and_a_penis_have_in/
%
George's Last Day

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cshl0z/georges_last_day/
%
What did the gay deer say after a night in the bar?

“I can’t believe I blew 50 bucks last night”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cshiz7/what_did_the_gay_deer_say_after_a_night_in_the_bar/
%
What do you call it when a cardigan is thrown away

A discardigan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csheqt/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_cardigan_is_thrown_away/
%
It was the ‘bring your pet to school’ day today, there were a lot of birds

Weirdly enough most of them were desert eagles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cshe66/it_was_the_bring_your_pet_to_school_day_today/
%
What do you call a girl that doesn't suck dick?

You don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cshdqi/what_do_you_call_a_girl_that_doesnt_suck_dick/
%
What do you call the leader of a trash army?

Generel Waste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cshdmy/what_do_you_call_the_leader_of_a_trash_army/
%
A tree falls in the forest.

Guy in camouflage: What the f—
Tree: Oh shit— I mean AHHH I FELL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csh9bm/a_tree_falls_in_the_forest/
%
Why is KFC like a whore?

Because once you're done with the tender breasts and juicy thighs all you're left with is a greasy box to stick your bone in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csh8ud/why_is_kfc_like_a_whore/
%
Do you know how to make a gay person curious?

Yeah, like this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csh6ej/do_you_know_how_to_make_a_gay_person_curious/
%
Did you know cats can memorize up to 120 commands?

They just don't want to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csh265/did_you_know_cats_can_memorize_up_to_120_commands/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying

He Neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csgrdj/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
I’m so tired of jokes about chinese people

There’s like a billion of them and they’re all the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csgebx/im_so_tired_of_jokes_about_chinese_people/
%
Timing is everything...

Friday night, a friend of mine converted to Christianity and, like new Christians tend to be, he is very passionate about sharing the Good News. He has been studying tirelessly to “show himself approved”. He doesn’t want to become a pastor or anything because he believes God will use him in the line of work he’s in: being a barber. This morning he got his first customer and was excited yet nervous to find out if the man was open to Jesus. The man said he wanted a cut and shave, so my friend got everything ready, and just before putting the straight razor to the man’s skin, asked, “Are you ready for heaven?” The reaction was more shocking than he expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csge79/timing_is_everything/
%
I went to the library to see if they had any informational materials on how to masterbate.

The female librarian said no.
This gave me no JOI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csgblk/i_went_to_the_library_to_see_if_they_had_any/
%
Someone wrote a book on clock fetishes.

It's about fucking time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csgb7v/someone_wrote_a_book_on_clock_fetishes/
%
My kids say they want a cat for Christmas

Normally I do turkey but hey, if it wil make them happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csga84/my_kids_say_they_want_a_cat_for_christmas/
%
Me: I wish I can go to Hawaii again. Wife: What?? You've never been to Hawaii before.

Me: I know. But I wished it last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csg91n/me_i_wish_i_can_go_to_hawaii_again_wife_what/
%
Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."
Darth Vader  shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csg30z/darth_vader_walks_into_his_local_record_shop_and/
%
The bartender says “we don’t serve time travellers in here.”

A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csfzyd/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travellers/
%
If Bill Gates becomes a Trillionaire...

He will be known as Trill Gates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csfz52/if_bill_gates_becomes_a_trillionaire/
%
[LONG]So, a pianist walks into his local jazz bar...

As he's been down on his luck and is looking for work. He asks one of the waitresses there to speak to the manager, who he approaches and asks,
"Are you the dumb fucker that runs this shit hole of a bar?"
The manager, taken very much aback, responds, "Excuse me? I am the manager, yes, can you please stop swearing in front of my patrons?"
"Good! 'Cause I need some fucking work and I'm half decent on the keys!"
And he sits down and begins to play the sweetest, grooviest, bluest-of-blues tracks the bar manager has ever heard.
"D..did you write that? That was beautiful! What's it called?"
"That I did! It's called, Why don't you go fuck the ass off of a low flying duck you insolent cunt?"
Aghast, the manager gestures for the pianist to hush, and quietly asks "Do you know any jazz? Anything a little more intricate?"
"'Course I do!"
And again the pianist plays the most delightful and devilish jazz piece the manager has heard.
Bracing for the name of this track, he asks "Well what do you call it?"
"I'll fuck your mother's hairy minge under the cover of pale moonlight!"
Appalled, though aware of the man's talents, the manager offers him a spot on the bill, on the proviso that he doesn't name his songs after he plays them, and the pianist happily agrees.
*Later that evening...*
About 5 from showtime, the pianist has set himself up on stage and is perusing the crowd, gauging the energy of the room, when he suddenly spies the most beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous woman he's ever seen - tight fitting red dress with red lipstick to match, high heels - you name it. After slight deliberation, and with the 5 minutes to spare, the pianist decides it a good idea to go try rub one out in the men's room, to "deal with the stress of performing", as he justifies it.
Well, lo and behold it takes a little longer than 5 minutes, and the manager comes bursting into the bathroom (on the other side of the stall, mind you), and yells
"Christ mate, where have you been?! The people are getting agitated - you've a show to play! Don't you fuck this up for me!"
Before leaving the bathroom abrutply.
The pianist rages on with the task at hand, and after wrapping up he bursts from the bathroom back onto the stage and sets right to playing.
After his first song, the lovely woman he had spied earlier approaches him from the side of the stage, leans into his ear and whispers
"Excuse me, do you know your dick is hanging out of your pants and there's cum dribbling onto your shoe?"
Stunned, the pianist turns to her and says
"Know it?! I wrote that fucking song!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csfwbn/longso_a_pianist_walks_into_his_local_jazz_bar/
%
How to stop repeat offenders?

Don't re-elect them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csfsj0/how_to_stop_repeat_offenders/
%
To be or not to be a horse rider....

that is Equestrian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csfkux/to_be_or_not_to_be_a_horse_rider/
%
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csfkcg/i_remember_being_a_kid_and_my_parents_filling_my/
%
How do batteries scream?

AAA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csfarm/how_do_batteries_scream/
%
A trip to Brasil

[ An employee returning from his vacation is talking to his boss ]
So, how was your trip to Rio de Janeiro?
*It sucked. The entire country is just soccer and hookers.*
My wife's from Brasil.
*Oh... What team does she play for?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csfa85/a_trip_to_brasil/
%
A farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows.

"Easy" I said.
"20 cows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csfa0m/a_farmer_asked_if_i_could_help_him_round_up_18/
%
The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csf82m/the_guy_who_created_cough_drops_died_last_week/
%
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?

Squid marks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csf521/how_do_you_know_when_a_cephalopod_has_been_using/
%
Police are on the hunt for a South Korean man accused of murdering his wife.

He is the Seoul suspect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csexpw/police_are_on_the_hunt_for_a_south_korean_man/
%
My teacher told me to have a good day

So I left her class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cseq1w/my_teacher_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
%
Did you hear about the maternal nurse who ran off with a doctor?

It was a midwife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csepl3/did_you_hear_about_the_maternal_nurse_who_ran_off/
%
Beautiful lady

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away...
She said, “But we don't know anything about each other”...
He said, “That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along”...
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort...
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife...
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel...
She said, “That was incredible!”...
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along”...
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths...
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath...
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”...
“No”, she said, “I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey”...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csehd6/beautiful_lady/
%
Ive decided to sell my vacuum cleaner...

It was just collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csefif/ive_decided_to_sell_my_vacuum_cleaner/
%
Beethoven gets on the stage and the crowd goes wild.

“Are you ready to hear some music??”
“YEAH!!!”
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cse6in/beethoven_gets_on_the_stage_and_the_crowd_goes/
%
A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.
A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.
He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.
A day later he returns to see that the clock is 15 minutes too early.
Lastly, he sets up the same clock in a Russian bar.
A day later he returns to find that the clock has disappeared! He walks up to the bartender and asks what happened to the clock on that wall.
The bartender replies - “That a clock?! Blyat we thought was fan!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cse40s/a_businessman_has_designed_a_clock_which_moves/
%
Apparently Kim Jong Un supervised the testing of a new missile weapon system.

I don't know, but it seems quite dangerous to have  missiles being fired Un-supervised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cse3p3/apparently_kim_jong_un_supervised_the_testing_of/
%
I hate it that my wife treats me like a piece of meat....

She’s Vegan and refuses touch me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cse27i/i_hate_it_that_my_wife_treats_me_like_a_piece_of/
%
Napoleon might be remembered for being short, but if there was one part of him the ladies remembered best...

...it was the Bonaparte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csdtm5/napoleon_might_be_remembered_for_being_short_but/
%
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csdnyi/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
%
Roses are red, tulips are red, lotus are red

My garden is on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csdgd5/roses_are_red_tulips_are_red_lotus_are_red/
%
It's my girlfriend's time of the month

And we decided to watch a movie.
She picked out Pride and Prejudice, and threw a HUGE fit when I said I didn't want to watch it.
I'm thinking of breaking up with her.
She knows I hate period drama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csdeix/its_my_girlfriends_time_of_the_month/
%
I had a band called 999 Megabytes and I thought we we're pretty good

But we didn't get any gigs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csd5jf/i_had_a_band_called_999_megabytes_and_i_thought/
%
Why did Jesus walk on water?

He couldn't swim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csd2v0/why_did_jesus_walk_on_water/
%
A young mosquito tries flying for the first time

When the mosquito came back, the mother asks,
"how was your first flight dear?"
The young mosquito replied, "great mom! Everyone was clapping for me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csd2pa/a_young_mosquito_tries_flying_for_the_first_time/
%
I called work and said I am sick

My boss said “How sick are you?”
I replied “ I am balls deep in my dead nan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csczik/i_called_work_and_said_i_am_sick/
%
Why didn't God make two Yogi Bears?

The second time he messed up and made a Boo-Boo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cscw07/why_didnt_god_make_two_yogi_bears/
%
This white guy is standing next to a black guy at a urinal

He keeps looking over so the black guy,  annoyed,  says "Can I help you?"  The white guy says,  "I'm just wondering how you guys get that thing so big?"  The black guy answers,  "Well,  you gotta tie a brick to it. "  A week later the white guy sees the black guy and rushes up to him.   "I gotta thank you, " he gushes.   "For what?" says the black guy.   "For your advice,  about tying a brick to it!" exclaimed the white guy.   "You're kidding me,"  says the black guy.   "Has it gotten any bigger?"  "Not yet," responds the white guy,  enthusiasticly, "but it's already turned black!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cscthc/this_white_guy_is_standing_next_to_a_black_guy_at/
%
I keep randomly shouting brocolli and cauliflower

I think I may have florettes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cscsnw/i_keep_randomly_shouting_brocolli_and_cauliflower/
%
Remember when we would cry as kids and our parents would say "I'll give you something to cry about."

We though they were gonna hit us but then they went and destroyed the ozone, housing market, and affordable college.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cscpch/remember_when_we_would_cry_as_kids_and_our/
%
The 20 steps to falling down the stairs:

Step 1:
Step 2:
Step 3:
Step 5:
Step 8:
Step 15:
Step 20:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cscmas/the_20_steps_to_falling_down_the_stairs/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csclp0/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
I was discriminated at a job interview based on my gender yesterday

I think we should boycott Hooters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csckvg/i_was_discriminated_at_a_job_interview_based_on/
%
How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cscg87/how_do_you_make_a_plumber_cry/
%
I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the English alphabet.

I don’t know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cscedg/im_only_familiar_with_25_letters_of_the_english/
%
10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**
The gag won 41% of the vote.
## Best of the rest
Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:
* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
* "What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
* "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
* "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
* "Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
* "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
* "After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
* "To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
* "I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cscdo3/10_best_oneliners_from_the_2019_edinburgh_fringe/
%
Caitlin Jenner Must Be Very Honest To Her Kids

She seems Transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csc8ao/caitlin_jenner_must_be_very_honest_to_her_kids/
%
Gordon Ramsey is teaching his kids Egyptian history.

Gordon Ramsey : (Holding a picture) Who is this?
Kids : It's Anubis.
Gordon Ramsey : It's fucking Ra !!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csc5um/gordon_ramsey_is_teaching_his_kids_egyptian/
%
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?

One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csc1oo/what_do_you_call_two_celebrities_who_get_into_a/
%
I don’t drink anymore...

Or any less

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csc1mu/i_dont_drink_anymore/
%
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me" Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" asks the newcomer.
"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 63 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csbxgw/a_man_joins_a_very_exclusive_nudist_colony/
%
What's the definition of propaganda?

An Australian taking a really good look at something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csbobx/whats_the_definition_of_propaganda/
%
Jason is driving when he sees a hitch hiker on the side of the road.

The man looks a bit rough, but Jason pulls over and lets him in.
After driving for a few minutes, the hitch hiker asks, "Hey, aren't you worried that I might be a serial killer?"
Jason chuckles lightly and replies, "The odds of two serial killers being in the same car are very slim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csbn2y/jason_is_driving_when_he_sees_a_hitch_hiker_on/
%
Beethoven: ARE YOU GUYS PUMPED?

Crowd: YEAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Beethoven: I can’t hear you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csbm5y/beethoven_are_you_guys_pumped/
%
My father in law just accidentally ruined my brother in law's cigar by sitting on it

Close butt, no cigar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csbl4q/my_father_in_law_just_accidentally_ruined_my/
%
My choir instructor once told me that the wider your thumbnail is the deeper your voice. I came to believe it to be true until one day I met a gentleman with damn near rectangular nails. To my dismay he ended up having a very high voice.

There's really nothing worse than a misleading thumbnail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csbkb6/my_choir_instructor_once_told_me_that_the_wider/
%
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csb8pw/a_very_sad_day_today_after_7_years_of_medical/
%
So when I pee the bed...

I am a jerk, an asshole, and asked  “why do you have to get so drunk”.
But when my wife pee’s the bed it’s all “my water broke” and “the baby is coming”
Hypocrite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csb6b0/so_when_i_pee_the_bed/
%
Why don’t you have to be afraid of disabled Australians?

They’re ‘armless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csb2t8/why_dont_you_have_to_be_afraid_of_disabled/
%
I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, vegetable.

Someday I hope to be a bouillonaire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csb0ky/ive_started_investing_in_stocks_beef_chicken/
%
What’s the difference between a Cactus and a BMW?

The BMW has pricks on the inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csazoq/whats_the_difference_between_a_cactus_and_a_bmw/
%
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csarje/i_decided_to_kill_off_a_few_characters_in_the/
%
A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker are at a restaurant in London

The waiter comes up and says,”Excuse me but, we do not have any steak on the menu due to a shortage.” The Russian asks,”What’s steak?” The Texan asks,”What’s a ‘shortage’?” The New Yorker asks,”What’s ‘Excuse Me’?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csaqyt/a_russian_a_texan_and_a_new_yorker_are_at_a/
%
I once gave a plumber, a carpenter and a bricklayer a hand job at the same time.

I guess you could call me a jack off all trades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csaphu/i_once_gave_a_plumber_a_carpenter_and_a/
%
People say it couldnt be done, but I have worked at McDonald's for 20 years and I have enough saved to live off of for the rest of my life.

If I die before before next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csaog1/people_say_it_couldnt_be_done_but_i_have_worked/
%
My friend always broke jokes down to the most basic level possible

01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101010 01101111 01101011 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110011 01100011 01101111 01110010 01100101 01100100 00100000 01101000 01101001 01100111 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100001 00100000 00110001 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101101 01100101

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csanfk/my_friend_always_broke_jokes_down_to_the_most/
%
A man was in line to meet the Pope. He was wearing his best suit.

The Pope came towards him. But, he stopped and whispered something in the ear of the man right next to him. This man was a bum dressed in a dirty shirt, ripped pants, and he smelled bad. “Of course,” thought the man.”He wouldn’t stop to meet me.The Pope only talks to the needy and misfortune.” So, he payed the bum right next to him 50 bucks to switch clothes with him.  After he switched, he ran right up to the Pope. The Pope as expected went right up to him and whispered in his ear,” I thought I told you to get the hell out of here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csalqj/a_man_was_in_line_to_meet_the_pope_he_was_wearing/
%
A pie costs $2.20 in Jamaica and $1.90 in Cuba.

Does anyone else know the pie rates of the Caribbean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csakbm/a_pie_costs_220_in_jamaica_and_190_in_cuba/
%
Why don't priests have laptops?

Because that space is occupied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csaepx/why_dont_priests_have_laptops/
%
What hurts more? Giving birth or being kicked in the nuts.

Kicked in the nuts, you don't ever hear guys asking to be kicked in the nuts again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csa2x8/what_hurts_more_giving_birth_or_being_kicked_in/
%
I was a financial advisor in the army...

One time a contractor approached me and asked if I wanted to buy some panzers that his company built.
I considered it for a while but remembered that the air force needed to get new fighter jets.
I turn back to the contractor and say, “sorry, but we just don’t have enough room in the budget. Thanks but no tanks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/csa13r/i_was_a_financial_advisor_in_the_army/
%
The BBC does a special on the oldest man in Scotland

They arrived for the special and decided to start it off with an interview where they asked him: “What was the best day of your life, Mr MacDonald?”
“I was just a wee lad and it was the day village fair, when me ma realised that our sheep had gone missing on the mountains. The whole village searched and searched for her, until me eldest brother, Liam found her. The whole village was oh so happy and we all celebrated by each fucking the sheep and then together roll it down from the tallest peak of the mountain”
The BBC interviewer was shocked and said, “I am so sorry Mr McDonald but we cannot include that in our special as we can’t put that on Tv, do you have any other stories you could share with us?”
The old man thinks long and hard and replies with;
“I was just a wee lad and it was the day village fair, when me ma realised that our donkey had gone missing on the mountains. The whole village searched and searched for her, until me eldest brother, Liam found her. The whole village was oh so happy and we all celebrated by each fucking the donkey and then together roll it down from the tallest peak of the mountain”
The BBC interviewer once again apologised and said that they couldn’t put that on TV and proceeded to ask what the worst day of his life was.
Without hesitation the man responded with
“I was just a wee lad and it was the day village fair, when me ma realised that I had gone missing on the mountains.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs9xqv/the_bbc_does_a_special_on_the_oldest_man_in/
%
I used to own a henhouse

But the chickens staged a coup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs9xg9/i_used_to_own_a_henhouse/
%
Amelia Earhart should’ve been a comedian

Because unlike her, her jokes always land

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs9v83/amelia_earhart_shouldve_been_a_comedian/
%
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding one in your vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs9uzy/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
I asked my parents if I was adopted.

They said, “Hell no, why would we pick you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs9u2l/i_asked_my_parents_if_i_was_adopted/
%
How does a dyslexic person spell “baldy”?

Badly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs9sz0/how_does_a_dyslexic_person_spell_baldy/
%
I like bad kids like I like my coffee

Grounded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs9pip/i_like_bad_kids_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Fair warning, this is a REPOST, not OC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs9gt0/upon_hearing_that_her_elderly_grandfather_had/
%
A college student calls the admissions office

'Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on my acceptance letter, its listed as Cyirwu, is there a way to fix it?'
'Sorry about that, could you spell it for me? I'll try and update your file.'
'Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in 'double-u', and Y as in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs9ftz/a_college_student_calls_the_admissions_office/
%
Me: That’s a cute dog you got there. Whats her name?

Cop: Diesel, she sniffs out drugs
Me: Still in training?
Cop: What?
Me: What?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs9ee8/me_thats_a_cute_dog_you_got_there_whats_her_name/
%
Water and heat walk into a bar...

It was steamy..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs99s3/water_and_heat_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I really starting to wonder if my doctor is really a doctor

First off, I was able to read his handwriting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs95po/i_really_starting_to_wonder_if_my_doctor_is/
%
I got into a fight it was 1 vs 10

It took some effort but eventually we beat the guy up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs91x4/i_got_into_a_fight_it_was_1_vs_10/
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A man walking on the beach stumbled on a bottle.

He picked it up and pulled the cork and a genie jumped out.
Genie: Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you one wish.
Man: I've heard this one, whatever I wish for will come back and bite me.
Genie: Nah man I won't do that. In fact if that happens I'll give you unlimited wishes for the rest of your life.
Man: Okay, I want a boomerang with teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs8ur7/a_man_walking_on_the_beach_stumbled_on_a_bottle/
%
Alabama doesn't have reverse cowgirl...

We don't turn our back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs8ubz/alabama_doesnt_have_reverse_cowgirl/
%
What do you call a blind German man in ww2

A not see
(From my German dad)
Or would this be better in dad jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs8u9n/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german_man_in_ww2/
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Why don’t witches wear underwear?

They have to grip the broom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs8tvz/why_dont_witches_wear_underwear/
%
Two nuns riding bicycles on tiny back roads in Vatican City...

One old and one young, they pedal down the tiny side streets admiring the scenery. The young nun sighs and says, "Wow, I've never come this way before."
The other nun goes, "Ah, yes, my dear. It's the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs8seg/two_nuns_riding_bicycles_on_tiny_back_roads_in/
%
Every day a man goes into a coffee shop. Everyday he orders the same drink from the same barista and pays exactly 5 dollars . He always sits in the same seat, finishes the drink and leaves.

One day he orders the same drink from the same barista and extends the 5 dollar bill. The barista informs the man, “sir, I’m sorry but we’ve raised the price to $5.25.” The man hesitantly takes out another dollar and hands it to the lady. She tries to hand him back the extra .75 cents but he refuses. She then asks him why. He responds, “Sorry, but I’m  afraid of change.”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs8mkb/every_day_a_man_goes_into_a_coffee_shop_everyday/
%
My dyslexic dad got a letter in the post saying he's been dodging taxes.

After reading it he said: "But I never take a cab anywhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs8lrw/my_dyslexic_dad_got_a_letter_in_the_post_saying/
%
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs8gqw/a_reporter_was_interviewing_a_104_yearold_woman/
%
Sometimes you have to step on people's toes if you want to progress in life.

Unless you hope to be a professional ballroom dancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs8geu/sometimes_you_have_to_step_on_peoples_toes_if_you/
%
What do you call someone who is attracted to Hispanic boys?

A Pedrophile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs8680/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_attracted_to/
%
Hundreds of years ago vulgarity was commonplace, people were often drunk before noon, and public urination was not unusual.

At least that's what I tried telling the security guard at the renaissance faire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs8579/hundreds_of_years_ago_vulgarity_was_commonplace/
%
Why did Soviet Russia take so long to fall?

A lot of the time it was just Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs83tp/why_did_soviet_russia_take_so_long_to_fall/
%
My Mexican friends always drink their drinks warm...

it's like they're afraid of ICE or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs80ls/my_mexican_friends_always_drink_their_drinks_warm/
%
Tinder is for rookies

Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs7yv3/tinder_is_for_rookies/
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs7x7h/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
What does breast milk taste like?

Umami.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs7vdo/what_does_breast_milk_taste_like/
%
Superman flying around horny... (Dirty and Long)

One day Superman is flying around and he sees Wonder Woman sun tanning, butt naked and spread eagle on top of the justice league building. He thinks to himself, "I am fast as a speeding bullet, I can fly in, pump a few times, and be gone before Wonder Woman even knows what happened".
So as fast as a speeding bullet Superman swoops in, pumps a few times, and speeds away when finished. Wonder Woman looks up at the invisible Man and says "what the fuck was that?", Invisible Man responds "I dunno but my ass hole sure hurts".
First time I heard this was in movie Hollow Man. I've posted before and I'm sure others have as well but this is still my go to joke to tell. Lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs7t35/superman_flying_around_horny_dirty_and_long/
%
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs7swl/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
So there’s a farm.

On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they’re sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer’s kid is watching MTV, and they’re watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says “you know what? I’m gonna learn how to do that.”
So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, “Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar.”
Guy on the phone says “no problem. Come on down.”
“No, there might be one problem. I’m a horse.”
“Naw, it ain’t a problem. We’ll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise.”
So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he’s like “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO” and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says “holy shit. That’s awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What’s like that?” And horse says “Bass. Learn to play bass.”
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says “Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar.”
Guy on the phone says “No problem, miss, come on down.”
“Eh, this might be a problem. I’m a cow.”
“Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise.”
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says “Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that.”
Horse says “Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here.”
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says “Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums.”
Guy on the phone says “No problem, man. Come on down.”
“Eh, maybe a problem. I’m a chicken.”
“Naw. Ain’t no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums.”
So chicken learns the drums, and he’s fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer’s out. And one day they’re playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he’s like “what the fuck? that sounds amazing.” so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says “Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You’re gonna be HUGE.”
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy’s deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they’re big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there’s a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom’s real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they’re cool as hell. They say “Listen. Go see your mom. We’ll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us.”
Horse says “Thanks, guys. you’re the best,” and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse’s mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It’s his agent. Cow and Chicken’s plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he’s lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He’s been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he’s on that walk, he just can’t shake the blue, so he figures to himself “Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it.”
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says “Hey. Why the long face?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs7peh/so_theres_a_farm/
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two superstitious blondes are talking to each other

One of them says: "I heard that this year, the New Year's Eve will be on Friday."
The other replies: "Oh! I hope it won't be 13th!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs7mgy/two_superstitious_blondes_are_talking_to_each/
%
A guy I used to have a crush on (but got over a while ago) suddenly sent me a dick pic out of nowhere.

It was too little, too late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs7ebq/a_guy_i_used_to_have_a_crush_on_but_got_over_a/
%
I haven’t slept for a week

Because that would be too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs7bcj/i_havent_slept_for_a_week/
%
A man is walking down the street when he hears a commotion behind a tall fence.

As he gets closer he hears that it’s a large group of people all shouting in unison, “12! 12! 12! 12!”
The man, getting very curious, spots a small hole in the fence and decides to take a peek to see what’s going on.
Right as he puts his face up to the fence someone jabs their finger out the hole and pokes him right in the eye.
The crowd starts shouting, “13! 13!....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs77di/a_man_is_walking_down_the_street_when_he_hears_a/
%
All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.
(Credit to Milton Jones)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs74la/all_of_my_family_are_police_marksmen_except_my/
%
What type of cars do Missionaries think Native Americans drive?

Convertibles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs73zk/what_type_of_cars_do_missionaries_think_native/
%
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… kill her!"
The man said "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife." The agent said, "You don’t have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions… to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs73mn/the_cia_had_an_opening_for_an_assassin/
%
A hotdog and a hamburger walk into a bar..

The bartender immediately tells them "I'm sorry but we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs70zq/a_hotdog_and_a_hamburger_walk_into_a_bar/
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Fuck you Korea

100% true.
My friend works as a biosecurity agent at Auckland Airport and told me about a time when his Korean colleague, Alex, had to process a Chinese passenger with a thick accent.
Alex: "Is there anything in your bag we should be concerned about?"
Passenger - " Fuck you Korea!"
Alex can't believe what he's hearing, "Sorry?"
Passenger - " Fuck you Korea!"
Alex becoming more and more agitated and confused. "Excuse me?"
Passenger - "Fuck you Korea! Fuck you Korea!"
Now people around him are taking notice. Other passengers, other customs agents, they're all wondering what the commotion is.
Alex now losing his temper a bit: "Alright mate, open up your bags."
The passenger then puts his bag on the counter. Opens it up, and shows Alex a VACUUM CLEANER.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs6yd7/fuck_you_korea/
%
It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.
"Thanks," he says, and leaves.
An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.
An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."
"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"
"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."
"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"
Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.
"Tea time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs6ycz/its_halloween_and_everyones_out_trickortreating_a/
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People were saying that I was using too mamy alt accounts...

They got down voted to oblivion though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs6v3j/people_were_saying_that_i_was_using_too_mamy_alt/
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Why didn’t aliens visit our Solar system yet?

Because they saw the reviews and it only had one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs6uti/why_didnt_aliens_visit_our_solar_system_yet/
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Which is heavier: a liter of water or a liter of butane?

The water.
No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs6tx1/which_is_heavier_a_liter_of_water_or_a_liter_of/
%
Whst do you call a steak that you just dropped on the floor?

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs6rba/whst_do_you_call_a_steak_that_you_just_dropped_on/
%
Gimli walks into a bar

The bar was quite low, to be honest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs6qfd/gimli_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My teachers told me I should pay attention and check my grammar.

Like what the heck nana has been dead for years now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs6k49/my_teachers_told_me_i_should_pay_attention_and/
%
What did the plywood say to the 2x4?

I’m board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs6hcv/what_did_the_plywood_say_to_the_2x4/
%
Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs6cjm/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
Never combine a cat with an apostrophe.

It’ll be a catastrophe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs6akt/never_combine_a_cat_with_an_apostrophe/
%
What do bakers make dill bread from?

Dill dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs670r/what_do_bakers_make_dill_bread_from/
%
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?

A walkie-talkie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs65qg/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_parrot_and_a/
%
Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman
said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-
she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she
wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make
your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times
richer than
you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!
The
frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a
mild heart attack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs63ia/woman_was_out_golfing_one_day_when_she_hit_the/
%
I kept hearing some crazy stuff was happening in Hong Kong so I looked it up.

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs60m7/i_kept_hearing_some_crazy_stuff_was_happening_in/
%
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be whatever I want when I grow up.

I asked my mom, "So why did you want to be poor?"
She answered, "Because your dad wanted to be an art teacher."
My dad replied, "And your mom wanted a good grade."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs5z15/when_i_was_a_kid_my_parents_told_me_i_could_be/
%
True story: My wife told me after our first kid

“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”
Me:  “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”
She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs5xxr/true_story_my_wife_told_me_after_our_first_kid/
%
Man goes to the doctors

he's having problems with premature ejaculation, the Doc says when you feel yourself coming you have to give yourself a fright and that will prolong ejaculation.
Two days later he is back in the doctors office and the Doc says how did it go?
Well, not to good, we were in the 69 position and I felt myself coming, I had placed a starting pistol next to the bed to give myself a fright. So I fired it.
Mary shit in my face,bit the end of my cock, and the secretary of the golf club came out of the wardrobe with his hands up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs5moq/man_goes_to_the_doctors/
%
A blind man was describing his favorite sport-parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?”, he was asked.
“Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for your final arrival on the ground?”, he was asked again.
He quickly answered, “Oh that? The dog’s leash goes slack!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs5mad/a_blind_man_was_describing_his_favorite/
%
They say alcohol makes you horny.

But I can’t even get my dick in the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs5ma5/they_say_alcohol_makes_you_horny/
%
Why are black people afraid of chainsaws

because they're dangerous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs5iij/why_are_black_people_afraid_of_chainsaws/
%
A grandson and his grandfather go fishing when the grandson asks his grandpa for a beer....

“Well can your pecker touch your butt?” The boy confused replies, “uhm no it can’t grandpa”. He looks at him and says “sorry kid not today then”. Some time passes and now the kid has grown into a man and decides to take his grandpa out fishing again. His grandpa opens up a beer and starts fishing when the man chimes in, “hey grandpa mind if I get a beer”. The old man says, “can your pecker touch your butt?” The man looks at him and says, “actually in fact it can”. The old man says to him, “good go fuck yourself cuz this is my beer”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs57zy/a_grandson_and_his_grandfather_go_fishing_when/
%
I was walking by the fridge last night and I thought I could hear the spring onions singing a BeeGees song.

Turns out it was just the chives talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs57mm/i_was_walking_by_the_fridge_last_night_and_i/
%
Did you hear about the anti vaxxer who died recently?

He never saw the measles coming, but they spotted him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs55o4/did_you_hear_about_the_anti_vaxxer_who_died/
%
My drug dealer is a renowned comedian

He cracks me up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs53cf/my_drug_dealer_is_a_renowned_comedian/
%
Why did the Marxists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs51ul/why_did_the_marxists_only_drink_herbal_tea/
%
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs4y8h/my_wife_laughed_when_i_said_i_still_had_the_body/
%
Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.
In total shock and disbelief at what had just occurred, Paul turned around to look for his friend. "Frank?!! Frank?! You ain't gonna believe this shit! Frank? Where are you?"
Frank: "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Paul: "For God's sake, Frank... whatever you do, DO NOT SWING! I repeat...DO NOT SWING!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs4pl8/best_pals_frank_and_paul_are_out_for_a_day_of/
%
My wife and child left me due to my horse racing addiction

Aaaand they're off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs4opf/my_wife_and_child_left_me_due_to_my_horse_racing/
%
What do you call a cow with tourettes?

Beef Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs4mrh/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_tourettes/
%
My wife and I got into a heated row.

"I get it," I declared. "You think I'm an arsehole."
"No, I don't," she said. "Because arsehole's have a purpose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs4h4j/my_wife_and_i_got_into_a_heated_row/
%
My talk with the Principal

I was a cocky little turd when I was younger. I remember getting called into the principal's office once when I was 9 years old.
"You're behavior is getting worse and worse each day. Standards really are slipping."
"Ahem, I'll do the talking" he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs48sp/my_talk_with_the_principal/
%
The naming of a new species of insect...

Scientist 1: Let's name it Dick-bug. Scientist 2: No we're not naming it Dick-bug. Scientist 1: Penis-insect. Scientist 2: Goddammit Richard no! Scientist 1: Cock-roach. Scientist 2: You know what! Fine, we'll name it cock-roach!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs44fl/the_naming_of_a_new_species_of_insect/
%
Coding humor

99 silly bugs in the code,
99 silly bugs,
Pass one down,
Patch it around,
127 silly bugs in the code!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs448z/coding_humor/
%
So, I was in my room and saw a group of ten ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so i made a small house for them out of a cardboard box. This technically makes mw their landlord and they are my..........

Tenants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs446u/so_i_was_in_my_room_and_saw_a_group_of_ten_ants/
%
A guy walks into a tailor shop.

He tells the tailor he needs to be fitted for a tux. The tailor starts to measure him, and the guy asks "What are you doing?" The tailor says "I'm measuring you to get the right fit." The guy exclaims "I'll do that part myself." So the tailor says "Fine, suit yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs3yyg/a_guy_walks_into_a_tailor_shop/
%
I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games.

She said, “Wii.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs3x7t/i_asked_my_french_friend_if_she_likes_to_play/
%
What’s better than Roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs3tdi/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
How many policemen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. It turned itself in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs3ske/how_many_policemen_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
NSFW. I decided to call my penis "Curiosity"!

It killed the cat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs3jvo/nsfw_i_decided_to_call_my_penis_curiosity/
%
Doctor: you'll soon be at peace

Me: I'm dying?
Doctor: your wife is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs3jlg/doctor_youll_soon_be_at_peace/
%
The toothbrush was invented in Arkansas.

Otherwise it would have been called a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs3axo/the_toothbrush_was_invented_in_arkansas/
%
Did you hear that MS Paint got married?

Now it's called MRS Paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs39ef/did_you_hear_that_ms_paint_got_married/
%
Pretty soon the only way to abort a kid in America...

would be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs2wox/pretty_soon_the_only_way_to_abort_a_kid_in_america/
%
What do rabbis drink when hiking?

Mountain Jew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs2luo/what_do_rabbis_drink_when_hiking/
%
What did the German people say about Hitler after WWII was over?

Nazi leader we wanted... Nazi leader we got.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs2hop/what_did_the_german_people_say_about_hitler_after/
%
A Greek, A German and An Italian get stranded after a plane crash.

They wander for days until finally they see something in the distance. They approach and are found by some local tribesmen and are accused of trespassing their village. Immediately they are led in front of the local leader:
"I am in a good mood so I will let you go if you participate in a small social experiment we are having."
"Sure, what is the experiment?" all three of them answer unanimously.
"Come with me."
Ans they are led through the village to a hut on the other side. Once in front of the Hut the leader speaks again:
"All you need to do is go in the hut and interact with the things you will find inside. You must interact with all of them, anyway you see fit and in any order you like. You have one hour."
"Doesn't sound hard, I will go first." says the German and opens the door. Inside he finds a beautiful naked woman, a big tasty sandwich and some clothes waiting to be ironed next to an old iron. He irons the clothes and once he is done eats the sandwich and then touches the woman's breast. Once he exits the hut he is asked by the leader:
"Please explain your logic."
"Simple, in Germany we work first, then we eat and if there is time we have fun."
"Alright, I am next." says the Italian and opens the door.
He immediately goes for the woman and makes love to her for some time. Once they are both satisfied he goes for the sandwich. In the end he just folds the clothes without ironing them and exits the hut.
"Please, explain."
"In Italy, we have fun, then we eat and if there is time we work."
Lastly the Greek enters the hut. Once everyone looks from the window they see him making love to the woman from behind, eating the sandwich while she is ironing the clothes. Once he is done he opens the door and steps out.
The leader is shocked but still manages to ask him to explain.
"It's simple. In Greece if you don't screw the employee you don't get to eat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs2dgp/a_greek_a_german_and_an_italian_get_stranded/
%
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs22vf/a_young_mexican_man_named_jose_was_curious_about/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts calling numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking in his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very
tough neighbourhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here.
The guy says, You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I
had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.
The bartender says 'Prove it'.
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the
bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. 'That's incredible,' says the bartender. 'I would never have believed it!!'
'Yeah,' said the guy, I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?'. The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst given the neighbourhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
'Oh my god!' said the bartender 'Did they rob you? Are you hurt ?'
The guy tums and says, 'No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for
a fax'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs1z2b/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_down_he_starts/
%
I like my steak puns

Since they’re a rare medium well done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs1yy5/i_like_my_steak_puns/
%
What’s the difference between Middle Earth and NYC

Two Towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs1y6n/whats_the_difference_between_middle_earth_and_nyc/
%
How do cats measure the gracefulness of their leaps?

In fluid pounces!
(just came up with this at work, so hopefully this is a new joke to everyone!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs1nvk/how_do_cats_measure_the_gracefulness_of_their/
%
You know I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket?

I was going up to my parents house doing like 90 mph on this country road and I got pulled over.
This cop, gets out of his car, he kind of swaggers on over and he's like "young lady I've been waiting for you all day"
So I looked up at him and I said,  "I'm so sorry officer I got here as fast as I could!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs1nfa/you_know_i_once_talked_my_way_out_of_a_speeding/
%
A kayak instructor and a priest sit at the gates of heaven.

An angel says to them “sorry, but there is only room for one more person in heaven. “
He then leaves to go consult with the other angels. The priest says “it’s obviously going to be me because I’m the most spiritual.”
The angel then returns and says that the kayak instructor is going to go in. The priest, who is now very confused, asked why. The angel replied “well, whenever people came to your meetings, they would go to sleep. Whenever people would go kayaking with the instructor, they would be praying.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs1mhs/a_kayak_instructor_and_a_priest_sit_at_the_gates/
%
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs1dji/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
%
The salesperson showed us a PowerPoint presentation on the waterpark we're going to.

It has several slides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs12wo/the_salesperson_showed_us_a_powerpoint/
%
What do you call an amputee that does karate?

A partial artist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs0za1/what_do_you_call_an_amputee_that_does_karate/
%
Some friends discuss about why only women can be "sluts", and when men have Sex with different people, they're studs.

Then a man says: Look, when you have one key that fits im every lock, you have a master key.
But when you have a lock where every key fits in, you just have a crappy lock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs0za0/some_friends_discuss_about_why_only_women_can_be/
%
What jokes can corpses tell?

D(e)ad jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs0yv6/what_jokes_can_corpses_tell/
%
A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon.

The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before.
When the widow checked her email, she let out a shriek and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Her children came running to see what the matter was, and saw this on the screen:
"Dearest wife,
Just checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. See you soon.
Your loving husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs0vv5/a_man_and_his_wife_were_travelling_down_to_sunny/
%
What does the man say while giving a golden shower to a feminist?

Urine power now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs0u85/what_does_the_man_say_while_giving_a_golden/
%
I recently called an old Engineering buddy of mine...

I recently called an old Engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs0ss2/i_recently_called_an_old_engineering_buddy_of_mine/
%
After the death of her husband, a woman puts a sign on her front porch...

The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you can see, I have no arms, therefore I can't beat you, and I have no legs, therefore I can't run away from you." The woman, excited but skeptical of the man's words, asks "Yeah, but are you good in bed?" The man answers, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs0jpx/after_the_death_of_her_husband_a_woman_puts_a/
%
Geocentrists and Flat-Earthers are so selfish.

They think the whole universe revolves around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs0h50/geocentrists_and_flatearthers_are_so_selfish/
%
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

We don't know, we keep sending more and they haven't done anything about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs0evw/how_many_politicians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
My father who comes from a long line of clowns just retired and wants me to continue the family legacy.

I've got some big shoes to fill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs0eu0/my_father_who_comes_from_a_long_line_of_clowns/
%
I’ve never been able to count any higher than seven in French...

It turns out I’ve got a huit allergy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs0e05/ive_never_been_able_to_count_any_higher_than/
%
A Doctor Walks into a Young Patient's Room and Sits Beside the Kid

Doctor: Hey kiddo! You're going to get discharged later on today. Don't forget to give your father my regards!
Kid: My father's dead...
Doctor: I know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs0b8e/a_doctor_walks_into_a_young_patients_room_and/
%
So this guy goes to the doctor...

... and tells him, “Doc, I haven’t been able to use the toilet for the past 4 days.
The doctor is concerned and tells him that they need to run some tests and then asks, “Have you been under any stress in the past few days?”
The man says, “I don’t know, doc, lately I haven’t been giving a shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs0a96/so_this_guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Did you know if you leave a group you’re singing with and then come back, they have to give you an Altoid?

It’s a re-choir mint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs09ds/did_you_know_if_you_leave_a_group_youre_singing/
%
What does warfare and UTIs have in common?

Fire in the hole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs092q/what_does_warfare_and_utis_have_in_common/
%
What's the difference between trash and a Jersey Girl?

The trash gets picked up regularly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs07vi/whats_the_difference_between_trash_and_a_jersey/
%
What’s worse than ants in your pants??

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cs03dy/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.

Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crzutv/my_friends_laughed_at_me_when_i_told_them_i_had_a/
%
An insane Harvard research study just proved that when ants are tripping on LSD, they can't get heartburn.

Apparently it works as an antacid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crzpt0/an_insane_harvard_research_study_just_proved_that/
%
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…"

"…country music."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crz8gn/went_to_a_game_with_my_dad_today_and_as_we_were/
%
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”

Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?”
She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”
Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.”
She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"
To which I replied, “That's where they held the auction.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cryvys/my_wife_said_i_dreamed_they_were_auctioning_off/
%
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crynjv/the_father_of_five_children_had_won_a_toy_at_a/
%
The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.
Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Johnny,
”Coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cryn0m/the_baby_without_ears/
%
When older women begin accumulating cats...

It's called "many paws".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cryma7/when_older_women_begin_accumulating_cats/
%
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crygb5/what_do_you_call_a_sad_cup_of_coffee/
%
Why did the cashier not switch job?

There was no room for change!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cryb8g/why_did_the_cashier_not_switch_job/
%
Who led the Israelites through the selectively permeable membrane?

Osmoses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cryb1i/who_led_the_israelites_through_the_selectively/
%
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun...

Is a good guy with a video game!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cry0rr/the_only_thing_that_can_stop_a_bad_guy_with_a_gun/
%
What do French people smoke??

Weed or Oui'd?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crxxis/what_do_french_people_smoke/
%
A guy walks into a bar holding a screwdriver over his head

. "Ladies and gentlemen!" he yells. "This is not a drill!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crxvrt/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_holding_a_screwdriver_over/
%
How do you turn the Japanese flag into a French flag?

Remove the dot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crxv0k/how_do_you_turn_the_japanese_flag_into_a_french/
%
What's the first thing you do if your browser becomes haunted?

Clear all spookies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crxu41/whats_the_first_thing_you_do_if_your_browser/
%
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 15 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crxtd2/when_i_was_a_teen_my_dad_showed_me_a_15_minute/
%
I'm trying out this new all-sugar diet.

It's pretty sweet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crxrnr/im_trying_out_this_new_allsugar_diet/
%
Where does overweight Batman live?

In the fat cave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crxqim/where_does_overweight_batman_live/
%
Why are microbiologists always so happy?

Because they look at the little things in life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crxld2/why_are_microbiologists_always_so_happy/
%
They say it's a mystery how the pyramids were built

But it seems obvious to me - they probably started at the bottom and worked their way up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crxjgf/they_say_its_a_mystery_how_the_pyramids_were_built/
%
What did the male cow say to the attractive female cow?

You’ve got a nice dairyaire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crxcio/what_did_the_male_cow_say_to_the_attractive/
%
A woman dies and finds herself at the gates to haven.

When she gets there, she is confused as she saw how many others are standing and sitting outside, cracking eggs, mixing batter, and baking something.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to explain..
The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crxbhu/a_woman_dies_and_finds_herself_at_the_gates_to/
%
The cleanup work after sex can be quite exhausting

Especially reburying the body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crxa2j/the_cleanup_work_after_sex_can_be_quite_exhausting/
%
I got pulled over by a cop

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Is it bec-
Another car passing by: *HONK*
Me: Is it becau-
Another car passing by: *HONK HONK*
Me: I think it's becau-
Another car passing by: *HOOOONNNNKKKKKK*
Me: Is it because of the "Honk if you think cops have micropenises" bumper sticker?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crx5y7/i_got_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
%
I hate jokes about rape.

The punchlines always seem forced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crx5vu/i_hate_jokes_about_rape/
%
Did you know that the first French fry wasn’t fried in France?

It was fried in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crx4wr/did_you_know_that_the_first_french_fry_wasnt/
%
John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your country can do for you...

...cause you won't like the answer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crwzuz/john_f_kennedy_ask_not_what_your_country_can_do/
%
A man buys a scratch-off lottery ticket.

10 minutes after he buys it, he looks at his numbers and sees that he won.
He is so happy, he goes to his wife, and tells her that he won the lottery, and asked her what she wants to do.
The wife said, 'I'm going to take my half, and leave you, to start a new life travelling the world! And, I'll find a new husband'
The man says, 'Great, I won $9, here's your $4.50, do you want me to call you a taxi to the airport?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crwxmy/a_man_buys_a_scratchoff_lottery_ticket/
%
How do you win 1 million dollars at the casino?

Start with 5 billion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crwuw9/how_do_you_win_1_million_dollars_at_the_casino/
%
My grandfather worked his whole life to be able to afford a nice cremation...

He urned it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crwrio/my_grandfather_worked_his_whole_life_to_be_able/
%
What drug causes the most proposals?

Marry-Wanna?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crwr9f/what_drug_causes_the_most_proposals/
%
Today I found out Hitler was my great great grandpa.

I did Nazi that coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crwpxg/today_i_found_out_hitler_was_my_great_great/
%
A husband commends his wife

A husband compliments his wife on the upgrades she did to the house. He says, "I am especially impressed with the automation of the bathroom".
He continues, "Last night, I woke up for a midnight tinkle and when I opened the bathroom door, the light turned on automatically. After finishing my business, I closed the door and the light automatically turned off behind me".
The wife face palms, "Honey, you peed in the refrigerator".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crwps8/a_husband_commends_his_wife/
%
Corniest Doctor joke I’ve ever heard but it still got a chuckle out of me.

I heard this a while back while on dialysis and the doctor was impressed that I knew what a nephrologist was so he told me this gem:
“What’s the difference between a kidney doctor and a nephrologist?”
“What?”
“A kidney doctor works on kidneys, a nephrologist works on kidneys but is also trying to impress a date.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crwnbl/corniest_doctor_joke_ive_ever_heard_but_it_still/
%
What do you call a Nun in a wheel chair?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crwgou/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheel_chair/
%
Abortion is not murder.

It's just cancelling your order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crvwul/abortion_is_not_murder/
%
I once got slapped for calling two women hipsters.

I guess the politically correct term is ~~combined ~~ *conjoined twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crvwnl/i_once_got_slapped_for_calling_two_women_hipsters/
%
I once had a threesome with identical twins.

Guess that makes me a dopplebanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crvw6d/i_once_had_a_threesome_with_identical_twins/
%
Where do poor Italiens live?

In the Spaghetto. Haha molto bene!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crvqbj/where_do_poor_italiens_live/
%
Two Turbines are having a conversation with each other

The first turbine asks: What kind of music do you listen to?
The second Turbine replies: I’m a huge metal fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crvq3t/two_turbines_are_having_a_conversation_with_each/
%
Isn’t it crazy how many boomers love 1911s?

It’s like that gun has a Colt following!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crvoit/isnt_it_crazy_how_many_boomers_love_1911s/
%
What kind of church do two women get married in?

Lesbyterian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crviws/what_kind_of_church_do_two_women_get_married_in/
%
How many black guys does it take to fix a lightbulb?

I don’t know I couldn’t find them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crviqa/how_many_black_guys_does_it_take_to_fix_a/
%
My ex-girlfriend still misses me...

but her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crvil8/my_exgirlfriend_still_misses_me/
%
Hope this one lands with yah.

Me, dad I’m hungry
#
Dad, hi hungry I’m Austria let’s form an Empire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crvcgu/hope_this_one_lands_with_yah/
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What’s the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?

One is a superhero and the other is a command.
(Be gentle its my first joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crvbov/whats_the_difference_between_ironman_and_ironwoman/
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My school banned dating.

Like, what even does that mean? Sure, in the last couple of months some bad things have happened. 2 kids were caught having sex at school, it was a bit weird they did it a school, and another thing that happened is a teacher got caught in a relationship with a student.
I just wish I could go to a public school, homeschooling sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crv46h/my_school_banned_dating/
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What do Pokemon do when they look at you through a window?

They pikachu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crv1yb/what_do_pokemon_do_when_they_look_at_you_through/
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If a woman's bra is an "Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder" and a man's underwear is an "Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut"...

Then does that make a woman's panties a "Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crv101/if_a_womans_bra_is_an/
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I’m a scientist researching bestiality.

If anyone needs anything, I’ll be in my lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cruwk1/im_a_scientist_researching_bestiality/
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A man walks into a bar, and asks for a couple of shots . . .

. . . The bartender asks "Rough day?" The man says, "Yeah, I found out my youngest son is gay." The bartender looks at him and says, "That's rough buddy. Those shots are on the house." So the man takes the shots then leaves.
A few weeks later, the man comes back and asks for four shots. The bartender sees that it's the same guy, so he asks, "Another rough day?" The man says, "Yup. I found out my oldest son is gay." The bartender feels sorry for him, so he says, "Man, that sucks. Tell you what, half of those are on the house." So the man takes the shots and stumbles home.
A month later, the man returns and asks for a whole bottle of Jack Daniel's. "Man," the bartender exclaims. "Doesn't anyone in your house like pussy?" The man turns to him and says,  "Yup, apparently my  wife does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cruvpf/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_couple_of/
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If I had a penny for every Donald Trump joke ever made,

I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cruth9/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_donald_trump_joke_ever/
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how time flys

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.
————————————————————————
Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
———————————————————————
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.
————————————————————————
Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
————————————————————————
Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.
————————————————————————
Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
————————————————————————
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
————————————————————————
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crusby/how_time_flys/
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A priest and his lost cock

One day a priest went out to his farm to check his hens, but to his surprise there was no rooster! During mass he asked, “Has anyone seen a cock?”
All the women stood up
He then said, “I mean, has anyone got a cock?”
All the men stood up.
He said, “No, no, I mean has anyone seen a cock that does not belong to them?”
Half of the women stood up.
“No, no, no, I mean has anyone seen my cock?”
All the choir boys stood up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cruroa/a_priest_and_his_lost_cock/
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I can’t remember the last time I drank alcohol

In fact, I can’t quite remember the last four times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crur99/i_cant_remember_the_last_time_i_drank_alcohol/
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I went to a support group the other day.

The leader asked everyone to share their greatest accomplishment.  When it got to me I told them, “I plugged in a usb on the first try once.”  The instructor looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, this group is for people with low self esteem.  Pathological liars are across the hall.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crur8m/i_went_to_a_support_group_the_other_day/
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A clown and another guy are walking through the forest at night.

The guy says to the clown "Man, this forest is really creepy at night". The clown says "No kidding, and I have to walk all the way back by myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crui24/a_clown_and_another_guy_are_walking_through_the/
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A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers.

He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.
The gynecologist did his best-and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked.
"Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a really fantastic job. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crudkv/a_gynecologist_was_getting_tired_of_his_job_and/
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I accidentally froze myself to -273.15 degrees celsius

I'm 0k though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cruciq/i_accidentally_froze_myself_to_27315_degrees/
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A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crublr/a_cop_just_stopped_me_for_jaywalking_and_then/
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What's the favorite song of all australian dinosaurs?

TNT, cuz they're dino mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crubk4/whats_the_favorite_song_of_all_australian/
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What’s Matthew McConaughey’s political affiliation?

He’s alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cru7j7/whats_matthew_mcconaugheys_political_affiliation/
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Why wanting beauty is less shallow than wanting money?

When you divorce a beautiful person you don't get half of their good looks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cru6xh/why_wanting_beauty_is_less_shallow_than_wanting/
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An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.
"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.
"What's logic?" asked the man.
"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.
"How?" asked the Man.
"Take this scenario, do you have a lawnmower?" asked the Dean
"Yes," responded the man.
"So, I can assume that you have a backyard because you use a lawnmower to cut grass." said the Dean.
"I do have a backyard!" responded the man.
"And I can also assume that you have a house," said the Dean.
"I do have a House!" exclaimed the man.
"And that leads me to believe you have a wife, to share the house with," said the Dean.
"Wow! I can't believe that." said the Man.
"And finally, that leads me to believe you are Straight." said the Dean.
"That's Incredible, sign me up!" said the man.
The next day, the man went to a bar with his friend. "I'm learning about logic," said the man to his friend.
"What's logic?" asked his friend.
"Well, take this scenario, do you have a lawnmower?" asked the Man
"No," responded his friend.
"With that information, I know you are Gay!" said the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cru0xl/an_uneducated_man_decides_to_give_college_a/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crtz69/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
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What is a youtuber’s favorite line?

Leave it in the comments down below.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crtvw5/what_is_a_youtubers_favorite_line/
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One thing you can say for rapists

they really have that ‘can do’ attitude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crtqpy/one_thing_you_can_say_for_rapists/
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My best man got up to give a toast at my wedding.

He clinked on his glass to get everyone’s attention, cleared his throat and said
"Plethora"
Then promptly sat back down.
I looked over and said,
"Wow, that means a lot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crtn7o/my_best_man_got_up_to_give_a_toast_at_my_wedding/
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If a company's most valuable resource is it's people....

.... how come the employees aren't locked up,
but the toilet paper is secured in a reinforced steel lock box, bolted to the stall?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crtlno/if_a_companys_most_valuable_resource_is_its_people/
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A doctor walks into a bar

He should have ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crtjk1/a_doctor_walks_into_a_bar/
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Good evening welcome to the six o'clock news

Our top story today, convicted hitman confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures.
Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crtict/good_evening_welcome_to_the_six_oclock_news/
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What does the universe's largest known star VY Canis Majoris & a Labia Majora have in common?

They both lead to black holes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crtg2o/what_does_the_universes_largest_known_star_vy/
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Why’d the semen cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong socks today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crtf5a/whyd_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crtd60/juan_a_prison_warden_decided_a_group_of_sikhs_4/
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People in Saudi Arabia don't like the Flintstones

But people in Abu Dhabi do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crtchs/people_in_saudi_arabia_dont_like_the_flintstones/
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Freddie died in a fire

Freddie was a well respected member of his community, however his two best friends James and Thomas were a lot more boisterous and seen as a bit dim witted amongst the neighbourhood. One night Freddie's house catches on fire and Freddie is engulfed in the flames.
The next day a police officer finds James and Thomas at the local pub. After explaining the incident the officer asks the two men to come to the mortuary to identify the body. At the mortuary the officer says that he will take them in one by one.
Officer: "Look, we found the body in Freddie's bed so we are pretty sure it is him. We just need you to confirm it. We will be in and out as quick as possible."
James agrees to go first, enters the room and the police officer uncovers the body.
James: "oh, he's very badly burnt. I'm not sure I can confirm if that is freddie. Could you turn him over please?"
The officer agrees and turns over the body.
James: "No, I'm sorry but that's not Freddie."
The officer is a bit perplexed by this but takes the man at his word none the less.
Officer: "Okay James, thanks for your assistance. Can you send in Thomas in on the way out?"
Thomas enters the room and the officer once again uncovers the body.
Thomas: "oh, he's very badly burnt. I'm not sure I can confirm if that is freddie. Could you turn him over?"
The officer agrees once again and turns over the body.
Thomas: "No, I'm sorry but that's not Freddie."
Just as Thomas is about to leave the officer asks:
"Hang on a minute. You said exactly the same as James as soon as I turned the body over. How can you be so sure it isn't Freddie?"
Thomas: "Well officer, whenever we were walking around in town, people always used to say - oh look, theres Freddie with the two arseholes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crtagy/freddie_died_in_a_fire/
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What’s big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree on top of you, you would die?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crt8qd/whats_big_green_fuzzy_and_if_it_fell_out_of_a/
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What would you like people to say about you after you die?

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were all asked the same question: “What would you like people to say about you after you die?” The priest said: “I hope that people say that I helped them to understand the absolute love that God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit offers to them through the Church.” The minister said: “When I die, I hope that people will say that I saved many souls by bringing them to Christ.” Finally, the rabbi was asked, “Rabbi, what do you hope people will say about you after you have died?” Without pausing, the rabbi answered: “Look, he’s breathing!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crt7q8/what_would_you_like_people_to_say_about_you_after/
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What is a pirates favourite letter?

Most pirates were illiterate and therefore had no preference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crt4zb/what_is_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
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Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crt448/today_i_donated_my_watch_phone_and_500_to_a_poor/
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What do you call a crazy blood sucking insect?

A lunatick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crt2rt/what_do_you_call_a_crazy_blood_sucking_insect/
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An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.
The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."
"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and shuffle off-stage. They carry him outside, where a Limo waits. The driver gets out and, before opening the actor's door for him, asks him one question.
"What's the line?" the driver asks.
"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon!" the actor replies.
"Great," the driver smiles. He opens the door and the security guards shove the actor in. The drive is very long and the actor has no idea where he is going. He needs the job, so he keeps his mouth shut. 4 hours later, the Limo stops and the driver opens the door. The actor gets out and sees that he is on the coast. A helicopter is on a landing platform, its blades spinning wildly. The helicopter pilot rushes across the platform and yells over the sound of the blades, "What's the line?"
"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon!" the actor yells back.
"Good," the pilot smiles at him. He grabs the actor by the arm and leads him to the helicopter. They fly across the entire ocean, but the actor still does not ask where they are going. Land comes into view and, soon, they are landing on top of an Opera House. The pilot lets the actor out and takes off a moment later. A man in a fine suit approaches the actor and asks him, "What's your line?"
"Ummm....Hark, for yonder art thou cannon!" the actor responds.
"Exquisite," the man smiles. He grabs the actor and they begin to run. They enter a staircase from the top of the Opera House and begin their descent. Soon, the actor begins to hear the sounds of Opera. The night is already in full swing. The two men burst from the stairwell and the actor sees that they are backstage. Dozens of stagehands appear and begin to strip the actor of his clothes and dress him in a fancy costume.
A woman approaches the actor, who has now been fully dressed. "What's your line?" she asks with a French accent.
"People keep asking me that," the actor scoffs. "But it's 'Hark, for yonder art thou cannon.'"
The woman grins and leads him towards the stage. The Opera is in its final act. Suddenly, the woman shoves the actor in the back and he stumbles out onto the stage, where thousands of eyes become fixed upon him. The room goes quiet. The thundering sound of a cannon breaks the silence, causing the actor to jump in surprise.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT???" he screams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crt07c/an_actor_gets_his_first_big_break/
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A holocaust surviver dies of old age and goes to heaven

He meets God and tells him a holocaust joke. God says to him “Thats not a funny joke.” The survivor responds “well I guess you had to be there”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crsxqv/a_holocaust_surviver_dies_of_old_age_and_goes_to/
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What's the difference between gender and sex?

I didn't have gender with your mom last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crsv8e/whats_the_difference_between_gender_and_sex/
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Everything that went extinct before the ice age was a hipster

They were dying before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crsnh3/everything_that_went_extinct_before_the_ice_age/
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The 80s, an American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom.

The American says, “I can walk right up to the White House and shout 'Down with Reagan!' and nothing bad will happen to me.” The Russian replies, “Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout 'Down with Reagan!' and nothing will happen to me either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crsl0c/the_80s_an_american_and_a_russian_are_arguing/
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Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself...

Where the fuck is my roof?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crsk74/last_night_in_bed_i_was_gazing_up_at_the_stars/
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What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb in Fort Knox?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crsh98/what_did_the_burglar_say_after_detonating_a_bomb/
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You hear ants can't get sick?

They have those tiny anty bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crsc9d/you_hear_ants_cant_get_sick/
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My wife cheated on me with the garbage man

I asked her how she could do such a thing and she said "He actually pays attention to me, he takes me out!" I replied, "That's because it's his job, honey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crsa6n/my_wife_cheated_on_me_with_the_garbage_man/
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Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.
The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.
Class starts and she says:
- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?
No one knows but Suzuki raises his hand:
Patrick Henry, Philadelphia, 1775.
- Very well, Suzuki. And who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth."
Suzuki rises:
Abraham Lincoln, Washington, 1863.
The teacher looks at the other children and tells them:
Shame on you, kids! Suzuki is from Japan and he knows American history better than you.
A low voice from the back of the class says:
- Fuck the Japanese!
- Who said that?  - Yells the teacher.
Suzuki raises his hand:
General MacArthur, Pearl Harbor, 1941 and Lee Iacocca at a meeting of the auctioneers in Chrysler, Destroit, 1982.
The students are in complete silence when someone yells:
- Blow me!
The teacher absolutely enraged:
- That's enough! Who was that?
Suzuki:
Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, The White House, 1997.
Someone else yells:
- Suzuki is a piece of shit
Suzuki instantly responds:
- Valentino Rossi, motorcycle race Grand Prix in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, 2002.
Everyone is hysterical, the teacher faints and at the principal shows up at the door:
- Holy fuck! I have never seen such chaos.
Suzuki is ready:
- Minister of Finance Simeon Djankov, for the situation in Bulgaria, 2010.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crs9u4/translation_of_the_bulgarian_variation_of_the_1st/
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Granddaughter: How old are you grandpa?

Grandfather: 98 sweet child.
Granddaughter: what is your secret?
Grandfather: I sucked cock once to one Italian guy.
Granddaughter: Not that grandpa, I meant for your long life.
Grandfather: Ooooh that, a lot of green salat, fruits and good wine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crs39w/granddaughter_how_old_are_you_grandpa/
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A farmer stood in his field for 7 nights.

His curious wife asked what are you doing? He replied I am going for an Oscar, you have to be outstanding in your field to achieve:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crs2as/a_farmer_stood_in_his_field_for_7_nights/
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My deaf girlfriend told me we need to re-evaluate our relationship

That was not a good sign

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crry3v/my_deaf_girlfriend_told_me_we_need_to_reevaluate/
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Bono and The Edge walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Not U2 again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crrv8q/bono_and_the_edge_walk_into_a_bar/
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What did socialists use before candles?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crruhs/what_did_socialists_use_before_candles/
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Its crazy how much people love Ford Mustangs

I hear they're a real hit with the crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crrn7l/its_crazy_how_much_people_love_ford_mustangs/
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How do you stop a cute animal?

You just press paws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crrlxj/how_do_you_stop_a_cute_animal/
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What do you call a black athlete?

An athlete, you racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crrc99/what_do_you_call_a_black_athlete/
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I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crrbqk/i_got_an_email_from_a_buddy_of_mine_he_always_has/
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They say women only like assholes

Then why on every first date, I get slapped, whenever I bring up anal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crr8jw/they_say_women_only_like_assholes/
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A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."
The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crr32s/a_young_boy_comes_running_down_the_street_looking/
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You know how kids sometimes cry for the most ridiculous reasons ever?

Well, I was on a bus on my way home when this boy sitting there suddenly decided that he wants to walk, but his dad kept telling him that he can't. So when the boy started crying because of that, I was laughing so hard, because why would you want to walk in the bus? Just stay in your wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crqwuu/you_know_how_kids_sometimes_cry_for_the_most/
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A married gynaecologist looks at his hand

"Some cunt has got my ring"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crqvzb/a_married_gynaecologist_looks_at_his_hand/
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I’m okay with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crqtdh/im_okay_with_cigarettes_alcohol_and_even_marijuana/
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How does The Rock Pee?

He Dwayne’s His Johnson!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crqjvu/how_does_the_rock_pee/
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What's the difference between how flour is sifted, a parking citation issued to the leader of the Confederate army and 45% of this nation's pets?

One is generally fine, one is a General Lee fine, and one is generally feline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crqjew/whats_the_difference_between_how_flour_is_sifted/
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What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a $1.69 and deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crqbpy/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan

when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crq423/a_male_whale_and_a_female_whale_were_swimming_off/
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Why did the Jedi kill his master?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crq3nk/why_did_the_jedi_kill_his_master/
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Never fight short people

They hit below the belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crq0j5/never_fight_short_people/
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My girlfriends dog died

So to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crpx1v/my_girlfriends_dog_died/
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Have you ever wondered why Americans spell it, "Color" or "Neighbor" and Canadians spell it, "Colour" and "Neighbour"?

It's because America doesn't care about you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crpwok/have_you_ever_wondered_why_americans_spell_it/
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Communist jokes aren't funny....

Unless every one gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crptks/communist_jokes_arent_funny/
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What's the difference between anti-vaxx kids, and kids in an American school?

One dies from not getting shots.
The other dies from getting shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crpt3b/whats_the_difference_between_antivaxx_kids_and/
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Two things that never get old.

Dark humor and unvaccinated children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crpnkp/two_things_that_never_get_old/
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What does a white person call it when there aren't any other white people in the room?

Cracker-lackin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crpfko/what_does_a_white_person_call_it_when_there_arent/
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A man walks in a bar.

The man goes to get a drink. Another man sits next to him, saying "You know this drink right here I'm drinking turns you invincible?", nodding his head towards his drink.
"No way man you're obviously drunk."
"Nah man, I'm serious."
"Okay then, prove it."
"Watch me," says the man at the booth. He takes a drink and walks up to the roof. He jumps off, lands flat on his face, gets up, and walks back into the bar.
Astonished, the other guy says, "That's impossible! Do that again!"
"Okay." The man takes a sip, walks up to the roof, and jumps off. He gets up and walks back into the bar.
The other guy finally decides to try it for himself. He takes a sip, goes to the roof, and jumps off. He immediately splats on the floor, obviously dead.
The man at the booth starts laughing hysterically as he takes another drink of his beer.
The bartender walks up to him with another bottle.
"God Superman, you're such a dick when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crpegn/a_man_walks_in_a_bar/
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If I had a penny for every Donald Trump joke,

I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crp879/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_donald_trump_joke/
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I saw a lady who looked tired carrying an infant.

When I suggested she put the baby down, she looked at the child and said, "You sure are one ugly kid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crp0j7/i_saw_a_lady_who_looked_tired_carrying_an_infant/
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Did you hear about the man with a rooster, a hen and a donkey?

He asked a guy on the street, "Hey, can you hold my cock and pullet, while I  scratch my ass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crov4a/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_a_rooster_a_hen/
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What does a responsible bartender and anti-vax mum have in common?

Neither give shots to children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/croop2/what_does_a_responsible_bartender_and_antivax_mum/
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I overdosed on viagra once...

It was the hardest day of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cronui/i_overdosed_on_viagra_once/
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Four nuns at the pearly gates

In heaven, four nuns are queueing outside the pearly gates.
St Pete says: "If your entire body is pure, you are welcome, no further questions asked."
First nun in line: "There was this naughty abbot in the monastery... one time he exposed himself and... well... overcome with desire I touched him, but only with this finger, I swear!"
St Pete: "Calm yourself. Just wash your finger in this bucket of holy water, then enter. Next!"
Second nun: "I too was overcome by this abbot's wretched allurement, but also didn't desecrate myself, well except for this here finger."
St Pete: "Cleanse your finger and away into paradise with you".
Suddenly the fourth nun in the que rushed forward, elbowing the third nun out of the way and nearly knocking a bust of Jesus almighty off of its piedestal on her way. She dived into the bucket, face first, gurgling with water splashing everywhere.
St Pete: "What in God's name are you doing woman?!"
Fourth nun, pointing at the third nun: "Gotta wash my mouth before she sticks her ass in the bucket!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crom6c/four_nuns_at_the_pearly_gates/
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NSFW What do you get when you cross Twitch with Mixer?

A really sloppy smoothie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crodob/nsfw_what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_twitch_with/
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Why are furries not the most popular group of people

Because they like to be the underdog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/croakp/why_are_furries_not_the_most_popular_group_of/
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The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A90 near Stonehaven recently,

Initially  there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cro3cz/the_highways_agency_found_over_200_dead_crows_on/
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Why do they call it meth?

Becoth it makths a meth of your teeth...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cro2wg/why_do_they_call_it_meth/
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A friend of mine asked me how he should react if his girlfriend tells him that she's HIV positive

I said, "The trick is to always act surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crnwyj/a_friend_of_mine_asked_me_how_he_should_react_if/
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What did the nuclear engineer have for lunch?

Fission chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crnpme/what_did_the_nuclear_engineer_have_for_lunch/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Cause his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crnorr/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
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What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crn75j/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
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What do you call a man who is half dog and half lizard?

A cold blooded son of a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crn6on/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_is_half_dog_and_half/
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How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never allow a change that could make the world a brighter place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crn4w9/how_many_politicians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences’

I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crmz3y/whenever_someone_says_i_dont_believe_in/
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My wife left me because she said I was too insecure.

Oh, never mind- she just went to the grocery store- she’s back home now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crmy3w/my_wife_left_me_because_she_said_i_was_too/
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A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled and told the man that he was impressed. A man in a suit with a cane walked into the bar, saw the small animals, and offered to buy them for $2 million. The owner said no, but he offered to sell the frog for $500k. The rich man agreed, took the frog, and left. The bar tender couldn't believe the owner just did that and said "Why did you just sell the frog?! There is no singing now!". The owner laughed and said "Don't worry; the rat is a ventriloquist!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crmx1e/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_he_sat_down_and_asked_the/
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I managed to have sex with my girlfriend for 1 hour 30 minutes doggy style last night...

That’s 4 minutes in human time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crmqes/i_managed_to_have_sex_with_my_girlfriend_for_1/
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Once there was a little bird that was migrating south for the winter. But he was a little late and the cold froze him. Frozen he crashed into an open field where he waited for death.

As he lay there waiting for death a cow passed him by and shat on him. The warmth of the shit started to thaw him and he felt warm and good. He knew he would live and started to sing in happiness.
Meanwhile, a nearby cat heard the singing and arrived where the bird lay to investigate. The cat found the little bird and promptly had it for dinner.
Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is a friend.
3. If you are in deep shit, better keep your mouth shut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crmkog/once_there_was_a_little_bird_that_was_migrating/
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I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.

I'm like "You idiot, that's the first place monsters go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crmklt/i_think_its_funny_when_dogs_hide_under_the_bed/
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Son - Mom, I dont feel like going to school today. The kids are too loud, unruly and mean.

Mom - Remember now, you are the headmaster of the school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crmiev/son_mom_i_dont_feel_like_going_to_school_today/
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Do you know why some vegans love to start fights with other people?

They need to get some beef in their lives somehow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crmh8m/do_you_know_why_some_vegans_love_to_start_fights/
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I have eurotophobia (fear of women genitalia) and my therapist tells me I should confront my fear more

But every time I try I always end up beating around the bush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crmgk5/i_have_eurotophobia_fear_of_women_genitalia_and/
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If a person who reads lots of books is a bookworm, what do you call a person who listens to lots of tapes?

Old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crm6aq/if_a_person_who_reads_lots_of_books_is_a_bookworm/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crm68x/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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Robin Williams, circa 1980

First cannibal complains, "I hate my mother-in-Law."
Second cannibal replies, "Ehh.  Just eat the noodles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crm5jj/robin_williams_circa_1980/
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A Local delicacy

Two Italian nuns were visiting New York for a conference. They were walking down the street when they saw a vendor with a big sign that said 'The best hot dogs of New York'.
-Sister, look what that man is selling.
-Ah yes, I have heard about those. Very popular here.
-Is it really made out of dogs? That's very odd.
-Now sister, 'do not judge, or you too will be judged'. People around the world have different customs that we find strange. And they feel the same way about ours.
-I'm sorry, I guess you are right. But still... Eating a dog...
-I tell you what. I think we should embrace the local culture. We should try some.
They visited the vendor and ordered two portions 'with all the fixings' as it said on the menu. They walked to a nearby park, sat on a bench and started unwrapping their packages.
-I still can't believe I am doing this...
-We must start getting more into modern things. And think about the story we'll got to tell back home.
As the first nun got his meal unwrapped and had taken a good look at it, her face went bright red. Quietly she asked her friend: "Which part of the dog did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crm4gz/a_local_delicacy/
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My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry.

I'll return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crm0ho/my_wife_kicked_me_out_of_the_house_for_my_bad/
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What does a hippie get on his blood test?

B positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crlwu9/what_does_a_hippie_get_on_his_blood_test/
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What's the difference between an American teenage girl and a Muslim teenage girl?

The American teenage girl gets stoned before sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crluiv/whats_the_difference_between_an_american_teenage/
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I found out the couch I got on Craigslist had the pride flag drawn on the back

So now I have a homosectional

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crltze/i_found_out_the_couch_i_got_on_craigslist_had_the/
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Why didn't Lex play well with the other kids?

He was a sore Luther.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crlrxq/why_didnt_lex_play_well_with_the_other_kids/
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Cannibalism would solve 2 major problems.

World hunger and overpopulation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crlnt5/cannibalism_would_solve_2_major_problems/
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A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat.

Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crlnjt/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat/
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?

He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crll5t/what_does_a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac_do_at/
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I don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros

I believe in balance, a homie-hoe-stasis, if you will

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crlila/i_dont_believe_in_bros_before_hoes_or_hoes_before/
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What's the worst part of getting stoned with cannibals?

You've got to be really specific when you ask them to pass you a joint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crlh8m/whats_the_worst_part_of_getting_stoned_with/
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They say cucumbers are good for the memory.

My uncle put one in my ass 15 years ago and I still remember it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crl0co/they_say_cucumbers_are_good_for_the_memory/
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How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice.... Lay peas around the hole..... When they come to take a pea you kick them in the ice hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crkz2y/how_do_you_catch_a_polar_bear/
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How many twists does it take to screw in a Sid Meier's light bulb?

Just one more turn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crkxnt/how_many_twists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_sid/
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I say "mucho" to my hispanic friends often.

It means a lot to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crkwse/i_say_mucho_to_my_hispanic_friends_often/
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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Jose, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that? " she demanded.
Jose put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836.
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Jose answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Jose jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Jose whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws an eraser at Jose, someone shouted "Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
Jose: "Dick Cheney, 2006 "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crkvm9/the_1st_day_at_school_the_new_student_named_jose/
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What do you call a deaf dog?

It doesn't matter, it's not going to come anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crktxx/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_dog/
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My wife: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?

Me: That’s .....a novel idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crktbb/my_wife_why_dont_you_write_a_book_instead_of_your/
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In 1868, Japan moved its seat of government and the location of its Emperor's home from Kyoto to Tokyo.

It wasn't a big deal. They merely did some rearrangement and changed the capital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crks67/in_1868_japan_moved_its_seat_of_government_and/
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crkp1y/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks_what_is/
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If a man is 80% water ...

Does that mean if I walk on a man I’m 80% Jesus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crklcp/if_a_man_is_80_water/
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An anthropologist visits a local translator in Zimbabwe.

"I'd like to set up a meeting with the nearby Xhosa tribe," he says. "But I haven't had any luck finding them. Can you help me send a message?"
The translator smiles. "Ah yes, it is difficult to find them. This particular tribe has little interest in Westerners. But they will still meet with you. All you need to do is head to  a specific plateau, and wait there after saying this phrase." He uttered a series of Xhosa syllables and clicking sounds. The anthropologist took careful note of the phrase and thanked him.
On his way, he became slightly lost but eventually came upon a plateau fitting the description. He stood on the edge and proceeded to make the clicking sounds. A few moments later, a woman from the tribe arrived. He smiled and began to introduce himself, but the woman suddenly started flirting and rubbing herself all over him.
Unsure what to do next, the anthropologist froze, but a few moments later, the translator appeared and shooed her away.
"This is the wrong plateau, my friend," he laughed. "This is a meeting place for prostitutes!"
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry...." the anthropologist began.
"It's perfectly fine, my friend. Just be more careful what you click on, you could have gotten a virus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crkkqd/an_anthropologist_visits_a_local_translator_in/
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I was walking home last night and someone threw a block of cheese out the window and it hit me on the head...

I turned and shouted "That wasn't very mature was it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crkj2v/i_was_walking_home_last_night_and_someone_threw_a/
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How many police officers dose it take to change a light bulb?

*None*, they just beat the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crkfeb/how_many_police_officers_dose_it_take_to_change_a/
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Why didn't The Sun go to college.

Because it already had a million degrees :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crkaxc/why_didnt_the_sun_go_to_college/
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Through a lot of pain and discipline I managed to lose 6 kilograms.

Still miss my left arm though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crka8j/through_a_lot_of_pain_and_discipline_i_managed_to/
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I've been hired for a commercial for a gym chain.

I'll be the before-model.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crjz48/ive_been_hired_for_a_commercial_for_a_gym_chain/
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Do you know why China is such a great and loving country?

Because they have a very friendly and open minded government. All voices are heard and everyone is welcome , we are treated very well and our country is in a stable position. (Post this to a website to increase your social score and to increase international investment , remove this last part)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crjy0e/do_you_know_why_china_is_such_a_great_and_loving/
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What happens if you eat 3.14159265359 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crjxze/what_happens_if_you_eat_314159265359_cakes/
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What does a russian spy and a teenager have in common

They both have erased history

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crjxmg/what_does_a_russian_spy_and_a_teenager_have_in/
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Heard about that new band called 1023 MB?

They haven't had any gigs yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crjxjk/heard_about_that_new_band_called_1023_mb/
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how police officers dose it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crjwso/how_police_officers_dose_it_take_to_change_a/
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What did the Muslim child say to his mother after it had been caught stealing the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crjsbs/what_did_the_muslim_child_say_to_his_mother_after/
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Why did the scarecrow get an award

Because he was out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crjreg/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_an_award/
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I'm off to have my legs removed.

I won't be long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crjpqd/im_off_to_have_my_legs_removed/
%
What’s the fastest land mammal?

A toddler that has been asked what is in their mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crjhj3/whats_the_fastest_land_mammal/
%
I'm done chasing people who aren't willing to do the same for me...

.. After today, the ice cream man can go fuck himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crjgql/im_done_chasing_people_who_arent_willing_to_do/
%
What do you call an owl magician?

A whooodini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crjfbm/what_do_you_call_an_owl_magician/
%
What do Hong Kong police like to do after work ...?

Keep on Clubbing ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crjdw2/what_do_hong_kong_police_like_to_do_after_work/
%
I'd crack open a cold one, but...

The hospital won't let me back in after last time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crjca6/id_crack_open_a_cold_one_but/
%
What is it called when a Snake can’t change its outer skin anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crj9sp/what_is_it_called_when_a_snake_cant_change_its/
%
Anesthesiology jokes are boring.

They always put me to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crj7ul/anesthesiology_jokes_are_boring/
%
What did the asthmatic person say to the construction worker?

You're breathtaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crj69f/what_did_the_asthmatic_person_say_to_the/
%
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crj4td/what_do_you_call_a_fat_girl_with_a_rape_whistle/
%
What do you call a blind German in 1939?

Not-See

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crixio/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german_in_1939/
%
I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Do you mind me asking which companies?", he said.
"Sure," I said.  "Gas, Electric, and Cable".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crix8s/i_told_my_boss_that_three_different_companies/
%
I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cripr6/i_used_to_illegally_give_weed_to_my_prize_winning/
%
My dick is like a Bob Dylan song

You may not like it but your mother loves it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crilv1/my_dick_is_like_a_bob_dylan_song/
%
Ben, Dan and Carl were sentence to death by a firing squad because of treason to the state.

Ben was the first up, the general would give the command to his soldiers to shoot. “Ready..Aim...” Then Ben suddenly shouted “EARTHQUAKE!!” All the soldiers hid for cover and Ben escaped. Dan was next. “Ready...Aim...” Then Dan Screamed “TSUNAMI!!” The soldiers hid for cover again and they lost Ben as well. The last was Carl. “Ready...Aim...” Then Ben suddenly shouted
“FIRE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crihtq/ben_dan_and_carl_were_sentence_to_death_by_a/
%
How many New York City cops does it take to crack an egg?

None. The egg tripped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crifpl/how_many_new_york_city_cops_does_it_take_to_crack/
%
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned"
Edit : Thanks for the silver kind strangers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crifcw/by_legalizing_cannabis_and_samesex_marriage_we/
%
For the first time ever I scored the maximum on a test and I couldn't be happier.

The policeman with the breathalyzer seemed upset though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crif53/for_the_first_time_ever_i_scored_the_maximum_on_a/
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[NSFW] [Long] Three men are stranded in the middle of the desert. Each one of them is starving, thirsty, and desperate to get home...

As they trudge through the endless desert, one of them spots a small cottage in the distance with scrap metal and junk all around it.  He told the others and they all thought it was just a mirage.  But as they drew near the cottage, they learned that it was very real.
They all get excited.  Civilization, finally!
They all decide that one man should go and explore the cottage, see if anyone is home.  So one of them walks up to the front door and knocks.  No answer.  He finds put the door is open and let's himself in.
The smell that hit his nose was absolutely disgusting.   The house was was full of junk and trash, and oddly enough, there was a huge pile of corn in the corner of the room.
"Hello!" The man shouted
"An ugly old lady hobbled her way into the room,
"Hello, who are you? And what are you doing on my property?" She asked
The man explained their situation and how they so desperately needed food, water and to leave the desert.
The old lady says she can help the man, but at a price. "I have clean water in the back, and you can have it if you do me one small favor..."
"Anything!" Retorts the man
"It gets really lonely out here," began the woman, "and I would appreciate if you 'made love' to me"
The lady spread her legs and everything was awful.  Details not needed.  But thankfully, the man had a stroke of genious,
"Instead of having sex with this hag, I'll use the corn"
He grabs a cob of corn, and begins to 'use it'. The lady has the time of her life.  After he is done, he throws the corn out of the window.
"I have food in the back that can be all yours if you do it again," pants the lady.  So the man grabs another cob of corn and does it again, throwing the corn out of the window.
"I have a map in the back..."
"I have a jeep with fuel in the back..."
"I have a phone in the back..."
The man finally finishes and throws the rest of the corn he used out of the window.  He runs outside to tell his friends the awesome news of his new fortune!
"Guys, I just got us food, water, transportation, and navigation! We can finally get out of here."
And the others look at him in excitement,
"Aw man! You missed it! We just had the best corn we've ever had!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crievq/nsfw_long_three_men_are_stranded_in_the_middle_of/
%
Whats the top most request DJs in Hong Kong are getting

Clubbed to death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crie71/whats_the_top_most_request_djs_in_hong_kong_are/
%
If a priest molests a child...

Isn’t it just a clerical error?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/criapr/if_a_priest_molests_a_child/
%
I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette.

Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cri8wg/i_have_a_dog_with_no_legs_called_cigarette/
%
What do you get when you cross Donald Trump and Bill Clinton?

Murdered in a jail cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cri38l/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_donald_trump_and/
%
I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me...

A child to be exact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crhzsd/i_was_driving_by_a_sign_that_said_slow_school/
%
I wasn't going to tell this joke, because it's offensive to blind people

But you know what, fuck em'
They're not going to see this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crhval/i_wasnt_going_to_tell_this_joke_because_its/
%
I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens.

Not as a full time job just a way to make hens meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crhiux/im_thinking_of_starting_a_social_media_network/
%
The Mongolians are afraid that the Queen will still be alive on the 21st April 2026.

Because then she'll be a Hun dread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crhi60/the_mongolians_are_afraid_that_the_queen_will/
%
My gender identity is Michael Jackson

My preferred pronouns are he/he

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crh5pq/my_gender_identity_is_michael_jackson/
%
I tell dad jokes

Sometimes he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crgzg4/i_tell_dad_jokes/
%
Sex with me is like listening to Kid Cudi

Its over too soon, and you think you might have felt something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crgysr/sex_with_me_is_like_listening_to_kid_cudi/
%
“Dating you is like making wine”

“Because at first you were sweet
Then you kinda started to stink
Now you got me all fucked up. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crgwdw/dating_you_is_like_making_wine/
%
What's the difference between Busch Light and pussy?

Pussy only tastes like piss for for two seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crgqve/whats_the_difference_between_busch_light_and_pussy/
%
Which is heavier - 1000 pounds of feathers or 1000 pounds of bricks?

The feathers are heavier - you also have to carry the guilt of plucking  all those chickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crgqg3/which_is_heavier_1000_pounds_of_feathers_or_1000/
%
How do you make blood pudding?

From scratch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crgpj7/how_do_you_make_blood_pudding/
%
Alaska has its own capital!

Did Juneau that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crgocs/alaska_has_its_own_capital/
%
Today I found out that the prison where Jeffery Epstein was kept didn’t have a suicide for 2 decades...

...and counting!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crgms9/today_i_found_out_that_the_prison_where_jeffery/
%
If you go in the bathroom as an American, come out of the bathroom as an American, what are you inside?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crgl9s/if_you_go_in_the_bathroom_as_an_american_come_out/
%
Did you know Elvis was a big fan of Chicken Strips?

He even wrote a song about them called “Love Me Tender”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crgifx/did_you_know_elvis_was_a_big_fan_of_chicken_strips/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crgc1o/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
Why can't the T-Rex clap its hands?

Because it's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crg9u6/why_cant_the_trex_clap_its_hands/
%
Husband stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced

"From now on you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex I want! Afterwards you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied,"The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crg8u4/husband_stormed_to_his_wife_in_the_kitchen_and/
%
What’s the difference between my daily life and a funeral?

In the morning I’m awake, but in a wake I’m mourning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crg80g/whats_the_difference_between_my_daily_life_and_a/
%
Three brothers are travelling by foot on a long, deserted road.

They see a farm. There are no hotels nearby, and they really don't want to sleep in the dirt, so they go in, find the farmer, give him five hundred bucks, and ask to spend the night. The farmer has two guest rooms in his house.
"Would you like to sleep together? I only have two rooms."
The brothers love each other very much but don't want to sleep together, so they say no. The farmer tells them the youngest brother can sleep in the room across the hall from the bathroom and the middle brother can sleep in the room in the basement.
"What about me?" Asks the oldest brother.
"You can sleep with my six daughters," replied the farmer.
They all went to bed. The next morning, the farmer's wife cooks them breakfast and the farmer asks, "how did y'all sleep?"
The youngest brother says, "I spent the night like a baby. I slept beautifully."
The middle brother says, "I spent the night like a drunk man. I slept long and hard."
The oldest brother says, "I spent the night like a rabbit. I went from hole to hole to hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crg15f/three_brothers_are_travelling_by_foot_on_a_long/
%
How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. Two. ...And a-one two three four!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crftm6/how_many_drummers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Keith.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well, she just died and left me everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crfth6/john_decided_to_go_golfing_in_scotland_with_his/
%
I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Do you mind me asking which companies?", he said.
"Sure," I said.  "Gas, Electric, and Cable".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crfqhu/i_told_my_boss_that_three_different_companies/
%
A man committed suicide after being rejected at a singing competition...

He just couldn't face the music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crfnhn/a_man_committed_suicide_after_being_rejected_at_a/
%
I hate being bi-polar.

It’s awesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crfn08/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
I asked my yoga teacher if he was going to go home from the studio right after class,

He said: Namaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crfm45/i_asked_my_yoga_teacher_if_he_was_going_to_go/
%
A farm boy went on a date...

The next day after the date, while he was baling hay, one of his friends told him that the girl he went out with thought he was too shy, and should have made a move on her. He looked at his buddy and said, "Tell her to meet me by the rockpile tonight. I'll be a little bolder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crfhrg/a_farm_boy_went_on_a_date/
%
What’s the difference between Switzerland and America?

In Switzerland, the cheese is filled with holes
In America, the kids are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crf2d1/whats_the_difference_between_switzerland_and/
%
Three men stand before the heavens gate...

Petrus comes out with a hangover and says:,, Guys im really not in the mood for that shit please come back tomorrow.'' The three men protest and after a long disussion Petrus finally gives in and says: Ok, if you tell me the story how you died and i find it funny yu can come in.'' The first man starts:,, I've been working as a detective for 8 years and every day i would come home at 8 a clock never earlyer, never later but in the last weeks i got the feeling that my wife was cheating on me so today i came home at 7 a clock. I run up to the 8 floor and open the door. Shes laying naked on the bed, something that she never did for me in 8 years of marriage. So im looking under the bed, in the closet, etc. but cant find no one. So i go on the balcony for a smoke and that guy is hanging on the railing ! I go ballistic and hit on his hands with my shoes ! He falls but the trees are saved him. So i completely lose myself and throw the mini-refrigerator after him, sadly the cable of that thing wraps around my leg and pulls me down with it. BAM, Dead.''
Petrus laughs and says: Haha ok come in !
The second one starts: I,ve been a window cleaner all my life and never has anything bad happend to me but today i was cleaning the windows in the 9th floor when suddenly the wind knocks me down and im falling. Luckily i was able to hold myself at the railing of the 8th floor when this this lunatic comes and hits me on the fingers with his shoes. So i fall again and get saved by the trees. Just as im starting to thank got something hits and im here.''
Petrus laughs again and also the second guy can come in.
Than the third one starts: ,, I just hid in the fridge when....
(Sry for bad english)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crf1v0/three_men_stand_before_the_heavens_gate/
%
-Knock knock. -Who’s there? -Broken pencil. -Broken pencil who?

Never mind, it’s pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crf108/knock_knock_whos_there_broken_pencil_broken/
%
I go to Popeyes' to get the kids something to eat.

Maddie wanted the kids meal with a leg.
So I said “kids meal with the leg”
And the lady says “which side?”
Me- \*complete silence as I heavily contemplate such an odd decision
“I guess the right side, hell I don’t know what the difference is.”
After several moments of laughter
she says “no hunny which side would you like to go with the leg? Potatoes or fries?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crf084/i_go_to_popeyes_to_get_the_kids_something_to_eat/
%
It’s a long joke but I think it’s worth it.

A bear is chasing a rabbit in the woods. Suddenly a magic owl appears and says to them: “Stop the hunt! I am a magic owl and I give each of you 3 wishes. Who begins?”
The bear directly says: “Me! I wish that every bear in this forest becomes a female.” *and his wish came true*
The rabbit wishes a super fast motor bike on his height. The bear is laughing and says it’s stupid. As second wish, the bear says: “I want that every bear of the forests in this country become females”
And the rabbit wishes a helmet. Again... the bear laughs at him.
Finally the bear wishes that every bear in the world become a female except him. For the last wish of the rabbit, the rabbit gets on his bike put on the helmet and while he rides away he screams: “I wish the bear is gay!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/creu0v/its_a_long_joke_but_i_think_its_worth_it/
%
Told my friends I had a date with this cute girl and they made fun of me saying she was made up, but jokes on them.

They’re made up too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cret69/told_my_friends_i_had_a_date_with_this_cute_girl/
%
What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?

"Pardon me ladies, but is ANYTHING all right?"
(Shabbat Shalom my fellow Jews of the Jokes sub!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crervf/what_did_the_waiter_ask_the_group_of_dining/
%
A friend of mine believes that the Earth is flat. I challenged him to prove it by walking off the edge…

He eventually came around!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crerer/a_friend_of_mine_believes_that_the_earth_is_flat/
%
Elon Musk

I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal. ElonGate would be really drawn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crep53/elon_musk/
%
Did you hear the one about nepotism?

You wouldn't get it, but your boss's son would.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crem5k/did_you_hear_the_one_about_nepotism/
%
What do you get when you cross a chef and a waitress?

A cold meal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crely7/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_chef_and_a/
%
It’s white, says moo but it’s not a cow

A sheep with a identity disorder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crek49/its_white_says_moo_but_its_not_a_cow/
%
Did you hear about the blind amputee who realized Braille wasn't for him?

He just wasn't feeling it.
But seriously, he was just out of touch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crei0f/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_amputee_who_realized/
%
A famous professor is going around giving lectures. After he finishes one up in Denver, he climbs into his car and talks to his driver.

"Hey Bill, take me back to the hotel please"
"Yes sir. Ya know, Dr. Diller, I've heard your lecture so many times I bet I could recite it word for word"
"Oh, you really think so? Well, if I ever can't make it to a conference one day, I'll take you up on that bet."
Well, believe it or not, the professor falls ill the very next day.
"Say, Bill, I'm not feeling too well *cough cough* could you do my lecture at the University today? I'll even drive you around."
"But of course, sir. I've been waiting for this day!"
The driver then dresses as the professor and the professor dresses as the driver. They then go to the college and the driver, to the professor's amazement, delivers the speech flawlessly. However, after it's all set and done, a student stands up and asks a question.
"Hey, um, so could you clarify what you said in your third part about subparticles?"
The driver, still standing up on stage in front of hundreds of people, smiles, points to the professor, dressed as the driver sitting in the back of the room, and says:
"Why that question is so easy, even my driver could answer that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crecpp/a_famous_professor_is_going_around_giving/
%
I met a girl who told me that she is an autism specialist.

Turns out she works at Gamestop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cre8yj/i_met_a_girl_who_told_me_that_she_is_an_autism/
%
Thighs or breasts? NSFW

I was asked if I was a thighs or a breast man but I was neither, so I said I’m more a shaved pussy guy. Now I’m banned from KFC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crdunn/thighs_or_breasts_nsfw/
%
What did the hydroxide ion say when it suddenly understood its purpose in life?

OH-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crdr1w/what_did_the_hydroxide_ion_say_when_it_suddenly/
%
I named my dog Seiko.

He's a watch dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crdhw1/i_named_my_dog_seiko/
%
A loyal employee, Skip, was bragging that he knew almost anyone in the world personally

Naturally, his boss took him up on the offer. He took him to a Chicago Bulls game, and walking into the tunnel, Michael Jordan recognized him and said "what's up Skip?". His boss naturally was impressed. So he took it a step further and went to the White House. President Bush immediately recognized Skip and gave the two a personal tour. By now, the boss was beside himself. He paid for two plane tickets to the Vatican to see the Pope. Almost at once, the Pope saw Skip and brought him to the balcony where he was standing. The boss was almost insane, when he suddenly fainted. He woke up to Skip and the Pope standing over him. When ask what happened, he replied " the man on my left asked me " ' who's that man next to Skip?!"'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crdhtb/a_loyal_employee_skip_was_bragging_that_he_knew/
%
A young girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

"Wow, it's really pouring sky buckets out here!" she yells to the priest greeting visitors.
Before he can respond, the sky releases a torrential downpour, as if a thousand firehoses opened up from the clouds.
"Whoa! Now it's *really* raining cats and dogs!" she exclaims. Suddenly, a cavalcade of canines and felines begin pounding the pavement around them.
"This is the work of the devil!" the priest cries. "Quickly! Pray to God that this madness may end!"
Panicked, the girl drops to her knees in prayer.
"Hail Mary, full ofaaaAAAAAAAAAA!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crdfb4/a_young_girl_runs_under_a_church_awning_to_escape/
%
What do you call an informal relationship from Alabama?

Twins with benefits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crddqp/what_do_you_call_an_informal_relationship_from/
%
How are the Twin Towers and gender alike?

There used to be two of them, but now it’s a sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crdbnr/how_are_the_twin_towers_and_gender_alike/
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I stuck my neck out for a friend

Turned out they were a vampire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crdbcm/i_stuck_my_neck_out_for_a_friend/
%
Why are there bullet holes all over my monitor?

I was trying to take screen shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crd7vn/why_are_there_bullet_holes_all_over_my_monitor/
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Sick leave

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss wouldn’t allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted ‘Crazy’ then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think I was ‘Crazy’ and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, “What are you doing?” I told him I was a light bulb. He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.” I jumped down and walked out of the office… When my co-worker followed me, the boss asked her, “And, where do you think you’re going?!” She said, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crcsmf/sick_leave/
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Moses, Jesus and a guy went golfing

Moses, Jesus, and another guy are playing golf together. Moses hits the ball and SPLASH…it lands in the water. Moses walks up to the water…lifts his arms, parting the lake…walks over to the ball and hits it onto the green. Jesus hits the ball and SPLASH…it lands in the water. Jesus walks up to the water…causally walks across the water to the ball and hits it onto the green. The 3rd guy hit the ball and SPLASH…it lands in the water. Suddenly a fish swallows the ball…jumps into the air, only to be grabbed by an eagle. As the eagle soars away, the fish spits out the ball…it rolls across the green into the hole for a hole-in-one!!! Moses turned to Jesus and said, “Man…I hate playing golf with your dad!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crcr6n/moses_jesus_and_a_guy_went_golfing/
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Never try to high five a prison guard

They will leave you hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crcq6z/never_try_to_high_five_a_prison_guard/
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No matter how hard you push the envelope

it will always remain stationery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crcovm/no_matter_how_hard_you_push_the_envelope/
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If I had a parrot, I’d teach him two or three pirate jokes and he would just repeat them over and over again, week after week the same jokes. Every time people would be mesmerized.

I’d name my parrot arrrrr/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crco6p/if_i_had_a_parrot_id_teach_him_two_or_three/
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A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make.

Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crclls/a_women_called_me_ugly_until_she_found_how_much/
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It's been a bit of a strange day...

First I found a hat full of money... Then I got
chased down the road by an angry man with a
guitar?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crclkf/its_been_a_bit_of_a_strange_day/
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A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.
Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"
The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is refueling her home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crcj0j/a_little_girl_asked_her_mom_mom_may_i_take_the/
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Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.” But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering “Dave, you’re a veterinarian…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crcfi0/doctor_dave_had_sex_with_one_of_his_patients_and/
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I'm not sure if you knew this, but if you rearrange the letters in LGBT...

You'll probably offend someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crcdi4/im_not_sure_if_you_knew_this_but_if_you_rearrange/
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My nickname at school was scarface

I was fucking brilliant  at knitting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crcccu/my_nickname_at_school_was_scarface/
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Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crc75t/why_do_cows_wear_bells_around_their_necks/
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I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crc4o0/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_yesterday/
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What video streaming service do Russians use?

Niet-flix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crc0kc/what_video_streaming_service_do_russians_use/
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My Wife decided to take up running to lose weight:

She said to me I am going to run 7 miles every day to lose weight.
I thought, great, in two weeks she will be 98 miles away:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crbtjw/my_wife_decided_to_take_up_running_to_lose_weight/
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Cats vs Dogs

Dogs: You love me, you pet me, you feed me, you see to my every need. You must be God.
Cats: You love me, you pet me, you feed me, you see to my every need. I must be God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crbsyz/cats_vs_dogs/
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A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crbr09/a_sperm_donor_a_carpenter_and_julius_caesar/
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What is the Clinton's least favorite movie?

The Witness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crbqyk/what_is_the_clintons_least_favorite_movie/
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My teacher this year told me to try out Cross Country.

She said it would be good in the long run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crbp5u/my_teacher_this_year_told_me_to_try_out_cross/
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My nickname in school was Scarface...

...because I was so damn good at knitting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crbjxy/my_nickname_in_school_was_scarface/
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Everyday my 90 year old neighbour who has alzhiemers knocks on my door

and asks me if I've seen his wife .
And everyday I have to tell that 90 year old man his wife has been long dead .
You know I have thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving.
But you know it's worth it, each time just to see the smile on his face..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crb37c/everyday_my_90_year_old_neighbour_who_has/
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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.
Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also head over to awardspeechedits. They really hate me over there.
Thanks for all the awards. Happy Saturday (Sunday over in OZ/NZ )everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crb0pj/why_do_the_hong_kong_police_like_to_show_up_to/
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A married couple never fought, not even once in 25 years of marriage.

A friend of the couple asked, “How is that even possible?” Husband replied, “Well, we went to a Ranch for our honeymoon. While horseback riding, my wife’s horse jumped and my wife fell off. She got up patted the horse and said, ‘This is your first time.’ After a while it happened again and she said, ‘This is your second time.’ And when it happened a third time, she pulled out a gun and shot the horse. I shouted, ‘Are you crazy?!? You killed a horse!!’
She gave me a look and said, ‘This is your first time.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crawma/a_married_couple_never_fought_not_even_once_in_25/
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Wanna know how I escaped Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crajgr/wanna_know_how_i_escaped_iraq/
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What's the difference between EA and a priest?

One fucks you for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/craiow/whats_the_difference_between_ea_and_a_priest/
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What word is always pronounced wrong?

Wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/crag8a/what_word_is_always_pronounced_wrong/
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What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?

IT’S A LIIIEEEE!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cracsg/what_did_dr_frankenstein_say_when_pinocchios_nose/
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What's great about dating a homeless woman?

You can drop her off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cra9yl/whats_great_about_dating_a_homeless_woman/
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How I got be 98

A journalist crew comes to this 98 year old's house for an interview:
-	So, tell us your secret?
-	Well, one time while on holiday in Greece I got so wasted that I took this Italian guy behind the bar and gave him a blow job.
-	And that's how you got to live to 98 years???
-	Oh that secret... Nothing much just lots of fruit and green vegetables and some morning exercise...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cra9j5/how_i_got_be_98/
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What do you call a man with glitter on his genitals?

Pretty nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cra6nj/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_glitter_on_his/
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There were 3 people on a boat and 3 cigarettes, but they didn't have a lighter so how did they light the cigarettes?

They threw a cigarette overboard, so the entire boat became a cigarette lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cra5u7/there_were_3_people_on_a_boat_and_3_cigarettes/
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A Germ walks into a bar

The bartender notices and says,”Hey your a germ! Your not allowed in here!” . “But I work here,” says the germ,” I’m staph.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cra3gv/a_germ_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cra2ff/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
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Why do nine ants get to live in an apartment for free?

Because they aren’t tenants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr9zb5/why_do_nine_ants_get_to_live_in_an_apartment_for/
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Did you hear about the boy that electrocuted his family?

Everyone was shocked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr9z5l/did_you_hear_about_the_boy_that_electrocuted_his/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr9y8q/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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I like my women how i like my whiskey..

10 years old and full of coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr9wdq/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_whiskey/
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Van Gogh is walking down the street.

A homeless man walks up to him and says,” Do you have a euro to spare ? Please I could really use it.”Van Gogh looks through his pocket and says,” I got one right ‘ere.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr9vji/van_gogh_is_walking_down_the_street/
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robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.  He decides to test it out at dinner one night.  The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.  The son says, "I did some homework."  The robot slaps the son.  The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."  Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"  Son says, "Toy Story."  The robot slaps the son.  Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."  Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."  The robot slaps the father.  Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."  The robot slaps the mother. .........Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr9oav/robot/
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The Trophy Girlfriend.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.? The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “by check.? I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man, “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about my romantic and sexy weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr9kff/the_trophy_girlfriend/
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Vegetable puns make me feel good

from my head tomatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr9jt3/vegetable_puns_make_me_feel_good/
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Most offensive sentence you ever read.

I'm a white male Christian that goes to work 9-5 Monday through Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr9fhm/most_offensive_sentence_you_ever_read/
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I recently watched a documentary on stroke victims.

It was a bit one-sided.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr9eyy/i_recently_watched_a_documentary_on_stroke_victims/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr9d7n/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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I wouldn't believe anybody with scoliosis if I were you.

They're twisted people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr9bet/i_wouldnt_believe_anybody_with_scoliosis_if_i/
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Why did the Captain ask his first mate to come look at a new boat with him?

Because it never hurts to have an extra aye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr98up/why_did_the_captain_ask_his_first_mate_to_come/
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A blonde in Russia is buying a coat to protect herself from the cold in winter.

The salesman gets the best winter coat for her size and gives it to her for her to try it. The blonde puts the coat on, goes out and waits for two minutes to see if it works well. Then she says, "Oh there is no need to get a coat anymore, the weather got warm!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr92l3/a_blonde_in_russia_is_buying_a_coat_to_protect/
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I told my wife to sell all the vacuums we have,

they are only collecting dust anyways...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr92cx/i_told_my_wife_to_sell_all_the_vacuums_we_have/
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A man walks into a Toy shop...

He walks up to a shop assistant and asks what Barbie dolls the store has as he needs a gift for his daughter, the assistant replies  "Come with me and I'll show you". The store assistant brings the man to the Barbie aisle and says "we have a hairdresser Barbie for £20, a BMX Barbie for £35, a footballer Barbie for £50 (and so on)". The man replies, "they are all quite cool but I'm looking for something she will really really like". The shop assistant stops and thinks for a second before saying, "well you're in luck, we do have another new Barbie doll set but it is quite pricey"
The man replies "How much?"
"£200"
Upon hearing the price the man was very curious and asks what it could possibly be.
The assistant replies, "it's called the divorced Barbie, it comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's money".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr904g/a_man_walks_into_a_toy_shop/
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What happened when the cannibal was late for the dinner party?

He got the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr8vdl/what_happened_when_the_cannibal_was_late_for_the/
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What's the difference betweeen an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr8qyu/whats_the_difference_betweeen_an_enzyme_and_a/
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Why do you never invite polar bears to parties

Because they never break the ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr8f5y/why_do_you_never_invite_polar_bears_to_parties/
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Alphabet Soup?

More like Times New Ramen, amirite?
(Not OC, but one of my favorite one-liners and haven’t seen it posted in this sub)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr8dtp/alphabet_soup/
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What did the pastry chef say to his boss to get a raise?

I knead dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr8d5t/what_did_the_pastry_chef_say_to_his_boss_to_get_a/
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Trump wants to buy Greenland

. That way when climate change removes the last bit of snow from the area, he can proclaim that he achieved what no one else in history could. He made Greenland, green again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr8cba/trump_wants_to_buy_greenland/
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Stalin's romance

Her: come over,joseph!
Stalin: Can't, I'm sending people to gulag
Her: My parents aren't at home
Stalin: I know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr8432/stalins_romance/
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How Long is a Chinese name?

Yes, it actually is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr82jm/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
%
Dogs can't be radiologists..

But Cat Scan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr82az/dogs_cant_be_radiologists/
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Brother : Will u please kiss me... Only one time I wanna try it out

Sister : Well if u Incest .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr81iq/brother_will_u_please_kiss_me_only_one_time_i/
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How do tectonic plates greet each other?

They shake lands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr7wqs/how_do_tectonic_plates_greet_each_other/
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Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut:"In space no one can. Here, use cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr7vg7/astronaut_1_i_cant_find_any_milk_for_my_coffee/
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3 astronauts flew to the moon. They couldn't land.

It was a full moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr7lz3/3_astronauts_flew_to_the_moon_they_couldnt_land/
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So a zebra dies and goes to heaven.

Upon reaching heaven the zebra is met by St. Peter who tells him, "Zebra, you have led a good life so I will allow you into heaven and as a bonus you may ask any question you can think of."
So the zebra ponders for a moment and says "ever since I've been born there is a question that has been bothering me... am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"
St Peter looks at the zebra and says "you know, that is a very good question,  I have no idea though I can guarantee God would know the answer."
The zebra simply nods and walks into heaven.
A few days later the same zebra is strolling around and notices God. Thinking this the perfect opportunity he approaches God and asks "Hello God, when I got here St Peter told me i could ask any one question and get an answer but he didnt know it. So I'll ask you now, am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"
God looks down and after a few moments of silence a voice booms "YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE."
Perplexed, the zebra simply says thank you and walks away.
Later that same day the zebra runs into St Peter who stops him to ask "you know, ever since the other day, I haven't been able to get that question out of my head. Did you ever find out if you were a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"
The zebra looks at him and shrugs saying he asked God and repeated the answer of "you are what you are"
So St. Peter thinks for a second and says "Oh! So you are a white zebra with black stripes then!"
"If you were a black zebra with white stripes... it would be you is what you is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr7koj/so_a_zebra_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”
“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.
Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone   starts living a better lives.
Impressed, they called for the AI’s assistance again and asked “how do we create world peace?”
“Calculating” said the AI and same as before printed a sheet of paper. Leaders applied the writings, and in a month all wars and conflicts stopped. Everybody hates guns now and the world is full of love.
On the next UN gathering, curious about the purpose of life, they asked the AI “is there a God?”
“Calculating” said the AI. This time though it didn’t give a response immediately. In fact it took a whole day of processing before finally printing out a paper saying “insufficient resources, need more for the computation”
“Ok we’ll help out!” Said the leaders of america. And they provided the AI with all of the advanced tech America can offer. They asked the question again.
“Calculating” responded the AI. But still, it responded “insufficient resources. Still need more for computation”
“Ok we’ll also pitch in!” Said the other leaders of the world. Providing their tech and networks to the AI.
After the upgrade, the world leaders asked again to the AI “is there a God?”
The AI responded “There is one now”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr7k84/a_man_creates_the_smartest_ai_and_presents_it_to/
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What kind of bees make milk (from my 10 yo)

Boobies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr7ev2/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk_from_my_10_yo/
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An elderly man walked into a waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, how may I help you?” “There’s something wrong with my fucking dick”, he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a waiting room and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.
The Receptionist replied; “You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”
The man replied, “You shouldn’t bloody hell ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear”, he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
“I can’t fucking piss out of it,” he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr7ek6/an_elderly_man_walked_into_a_waiting_room_and/
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What do you do when someone tells you they’re cold?

Tell them to stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr7d76/what_do_you_do_when_someone_tells_you_theyre_cold/
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What do you call a Rat living in subway?

Underrated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr7cgk/what_do_you_call_a_rat_living_in_subway/
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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."
The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositioned like this. Alas he remembers the wedding ring on his finger and frowns. "I suppose I'll carry on to success?"
She smiles again and with the wave of her hand, the door slides open, revealing a modest but nonetheless quite lovely vestibule. He leaves his suitcase at the lobby, and almost as though in a trance, wanders through.
Inside, he sees a table, or more accurately, a polished slab of white marble. Lying atop the marble is another lady, even more attractive than the first, clad more than a little immodestly. She slides over to meet his awestruck gaze and offers him a dazzling smile, her red lips parting to reveal a perfect row of teeth. She looks at him with eyes that seem to flicker between shades of the most exquisite turquoise gems and with a sensual finger, unbuttons a shirt button.
The traveller musters up a queasy smile and attempts a wave.
"You can take me, right here right now. You can do whatever you like to me, baby." She gestures towards a door at the end of the corridor. "Or," she whispers, "you can carry on to success."
Now trembling uncontrollably, the traveller ignores the visceral scream inside urging him to stay with this goddess, and manages a mumbled apology, avoiding eye contact and somehow making it to the door despite being partially blinded by the cold beads of sweat now streaming down his brow.
Into the next room he goes, and the next, and the next. Each room more palatial, each girl defying all possible expectations of beauty, each girl offering themselves, each girl offering him to carry on to success.
Each time, the traveller promises himself to stop at the next room, but now he is positively broken, spellbound at the possibilities of what may greet him should he continue.
"Carry on to success," he breathes. It has become his mantra.
With a deep breath, he stumbles through a door and gasps as it slams shut behind him. He surveys his surroundings and cannot help but be perplexed when he sees the yellowing walls, the flickering fluorescent bulb hanging above his head at a lopsided angle.
His investigation is interrupted by a phlegmy cough and he turns around.
Standing in front of him is a beast of a man, wearing nothing but a greasy cloth, and the rug of hair adorning everywhere but his scalp.
Reeling at the stench that permeates his nostrils, he coughs, "what the fuck is this?"
The man puts a finger on the traveller's mouth, and with the other hand, strokes his cheek. "Shhhh, baby, it's okay, it's okay." A toothy grin follows and he pushes the traveller on to the filthy mattress in the centre of the cell. "I'm Cess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr76jw/a_traveller_enters_a_mysterious_looking_hotel_and/
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Three Drunks

Three drunkards are standing on top of the Empire State Building. The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!" The second drunk says, "You're crazy!" The first drunk says, "I'm serious! Watch!" The first drunk jumps off of the building, and the wind carries him right back up to the top! The second drunk says, "Let me try!" So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT!
The first drunk smiles, clearly amused. The third drunk looks at him and says, "You know, Superman, you can be a real Jerk When you're drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr74sz/three_drunks/
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I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr70f5/i_was_wondering_why_the_ball_was_getting_bigger/
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What do you call an imaginary color?

A pigment of your imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr6x0b/what_do_you_call_an_imaginary_color/
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A popular joke in Nazi Germany

A Nazi Bigwig is on a diplomatic trip through Switzerland and notices a large government building. He asks his guide what agency it is.
The guide replies: "It's the head quarters of the marines"
The Nazi is surprised and laughs. "Why does Switzerland need a ministry of marines?"
The guide retorts: "Yes, what do Germany need a ministry of justice for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr6wif/a_popular_joke_in_nazi_germany/
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-Would you call yourself a hard worker?

\-Absolutely! I make almost everything harder than it has to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr6vh3/would_you_call_yourself_a_hard_worker/
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A classics professor goes to a tailor...

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended.
The tailor asks, 'Euripides?'
The professor replies, 'Yes. Eumenides?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr6s0i/a_classics_professor_goes_to_a_tailor/
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Alcoholic

I was reading an article the other day which said if you are drinking alcohol everyday you might be an alcoholic!
Thank god, I drink only every night!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr6ptv/alcoholic/
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What do you get if you cross Prince Andrew and Donald Trump?

Murdered in your prison cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr6p3n/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_prince_andrew_and/
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“Honey Dew you want to get married today?”

“No. I cantaloupe.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr6ox5/honey_dew_you_want_to_get_married_today/
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Aliens finally visit the earth

And they're talking about their civilization and planes in universe with a human representative, the subject of Jesus gets mentioned
Aliens: Oh yes, he often visits our planet every now and then
HR: He does? He never came a second time to ours
Aliens: Well, he must not have liked the cookies
HR: What cookies?!
Aliens: When he first visited our planet we gave him the best cookies we had and showed him around, why, what did you guys give him?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr6ok1/aliens_finally_visit_the_earth/
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My wife said my obsession with everything Muppets had put our relationship on fragile ground.

I took her hands in mine, looked her straight in the eyes and said, “Oh sweetheart, it’s *’down in Fraggle Rock.’*”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5zaf/my_wife_said_my_obsession_with_everything_muppets/
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If I'm ever traveling near Loch Ness or Sasquatch's lair, I will carry a camera to be safe.

It is a documented fact that these dangerous monsters have never approached anyone who had a camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5tba/if_im_ever_traveling_near_loch_ness_or_sasquatchs/
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I know people say dogs are smarter than cats

But cats don't tell the police where you hid your drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5rc0/i_know_people_say_dogs_are_smarter_than_cats/
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What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

Sandy-Eggo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5mlm/what_do_you_call_a_waffle_on_a_california_beach/
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Throwing a party for everyone who has a hard time getting an orgasm.

Let me know if you can’t come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5jjq/throwing_a_party_for_everyone_who_has_a_hard_time/
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I have an extremely rare phobia of Michael Jackson joining the group that sang "Stayin' Alive."

It gives me the Hee-Hee Bee Gees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5i4l/i_have_an_extremely_rare_phobia_of_michael/
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I tried to make some slow cooked pork today

But I forgot to plug in the crock pot before I left for work.
It really sucked coming home to my wife giving me the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5hvw/i_tried_to_make_some_slow_cooked_pork_today/
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How does a computer learn things?

Bit by bit
(Apologies for dad-ness and possible repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5hfy/how_does_a_computer_learn_things/
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The mother of a beautiful girl enters the office of a general

"General! One of your soldiers got my daughter pregnant! I demand you punish the soldier and the military pay alimony for the child!"
The general stands up, grabs his sword, unsheaths it and hands it to the lady, keeping the sheath in his hands.
He says "Would you kindly help me put that sword in this sheath?"
The woman tries to put the tip of the sword into the sheath but every time she is almost in, the general moves the sheath a little to the side.
"How am I supposed to put it in if you don't let me?!", the woman exclaims.
"Ah, exactly my point", says the general. "You can see yourself out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5gz2/the_mother_of_a_beautiful_girl_enters_the_office/
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I don't know how people have sex in a porta potty

There's no fucking room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5gae/i_dont_know_how_people_have_sex_in_a_porta_potty/
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What did the cow say to the other cow who entered the horse race?

It’s udderly impossible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5el0/what_did_the_cow_say_to_the_other_cow_who_entered/
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A chicken walks into a library.

He goes up to the librarian and says "Book Book Book"
The librarian hands him a book and the chicken goes on his way.
The chicken walks up to a frog and says "Book Book Book"
The frog reads the title and replies "Reddit Reddit Reddit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5cg2/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.

I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5bf8/the_wife_came_home_early_and_found_her_husband_in/
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I really hate it when people bring up masturbation in a conversation.

It’s a very touchy subject for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5b7c/i_really_hate_it_when_people_bring_up/
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how many babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr5a6e/how_many_babies_do_you_need_to_paint_a_wall/
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One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"
All at once time stood still. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Why do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a believer now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a believer?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty , Amen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr57sj/one_day_an_atheist_was_taking_a_walk_through_the/
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So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota.
They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.
"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"
"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind of stereo do you have in it?" Asks Ronnie.
"Why I have a blaupunkt 3500, best you can buy"
'Oh" says Ronnie, "You know, that’s actually last year’s model, this year they came out with the 5500, which is what I have"
'Huh" says Mel, "Well, check out my all Corinthian leather seats"
"Well" says Ronnie, "Corinthian leather was good a few years ago, but I just had Vulcan leather put in mine, check em out"
'Huh" says Mel, "Well, check out my new Bridgestone 6000 tires, cool eh?”
"Gee" say Ronnie, "You should talk to your mechanic, they recalled them, and replaced them with the 8800's, like mine"
And then Ronnie adds, "So let me ask you Mel, do you have a bed in the back of your car?"
"Wha?" Says Mel, "No I don't have a bed in the back of my car."
"Well" Says Ronnie, "Check it out - king sized bed in the back seat of my 2003 Toyota"
And Mel gets out of his car, goes up to Ronnie’s and leans in and sure enough there is a massive King sized bed in the back of Ronnie’s car. He looks at the outside of the car, and its small, look inside and there is a king sized bed.
'Huh?' thinks Mel
Just then the light turns green and Ronnie says "Ok, see ya" and drives off.
And this drives Mel just about crazy. He starts telling all his friends and family about the king sized bed in the back of Ronnie’s car and they all think he has gone mad.
So Mel starts calling auto shops and asking if they could put a king sized bed into the back of his jag, and they all just laugh at him and hang up on him. But Mel soldiers on, he starts calling auto shops further and further away until finally he calls "Uncle Bobs Garage and fine Detailing" shop in Watsonville California.
"Hello" Says the guy answering the phone, "Uncle Bobs Garage and fine Detailing, Dave speaking, what I can do for you?"
"Hi" Says Mel, "This is going to sound odd, but can you put a bed into the back of my Jag?"
"You bet” Says Dave "Bring it in on Tuesday and we'll get that in there for you"
Finally! Mel is delighted and he immediately drives from Toronto Ontario to Watsonville California, (about 40 hours of driving I might add) gets the work done, pays the guy, and drives home as happy as a clam.
Months go by. And finally, Mel gets his chance. He is driving along and he sees Ronnie’s 2003 Toyota parked by the side of the road. Mel stops his car jumps out and goes over to Ronnie’s, But, the windows are a little steamed up, there is a gentle rocking motion of the car, and Mel is a little concerned with should he disturb him or not. So Mel waits a couple of minutes until he can't stand it anymore and taps the window. Nothing happens. He taps it again only a little louder. A few seconds go by and then Ronnie rolls down the window, a little bit of steam escapes from the car, and there is Ronnie wearing nothing but a bath towel.
"Hey Ronnie!" Says Mel “Guess what? I got a bed in the back of my car! Just like you, come on check it out"
'Oh' Says Ronnie, "You got me out of my shower just to tell me that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr51wp/so_my_rich_brother_in_law_bought_a_jag_and_one/
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The gender stereotype for men is really harsh

We are expected to be swift as a coursing river

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr51s9/the_gender_stereotype_for_men_is_really_harsh/
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My girlfriend told me "I'm breaking up with you because you keep slapping my ass to see it jiggle"

I said "Fine. I hope the door hits you on your way out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr51ln/my_girlfriend_told_me_im_breaking_up_with_you/
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My porn star friend passed away the other day and as a show of respect, we scattered his ashes...

...all over his wife's face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr4ztd/my_porn_star_friend_passed_away_the_other_day_and/
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A man is walking along the beach with his wife when he stumbles upon an oil lamp poking from the sand...

Intrigued, the man picks it up and begins to rub the sand off it. To his surprise, a genie emerges from the lamp!
The genie says in a mighty voice, "As a reward for releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. However, your wife shall receive double of what you ask for."
Without hesitation, the man excitedly says, "I want a brand new sports the car, the best one there is!"
"Very well, it shall be done," the genie replies.
With a snap of the genie's fingers, the man is suddenly sitting on the seat of a magnificent new sports car. The man is overwhelmed with joy, but turns to see that his wife has TWO new sports cars, and they're as amazing as his!
"Well honey, looks like I won't have to hear you complain about my driving anymore!" the man's wife says.
Annoyed, but not to be distracted from his new found fortune, the man quickly exclaims, "A million dollars genie! I want a million dollars!"
"Your wish is my command," the genie replies, before stacks of $100 bills materialize out of thin air and fill up the man's car.
The man is delighted and throws his new found wealth into the air, but then he turns and jealously peers at his wife, who has two cars overflowing with money!
Overcome by a jealous rage, the man turns to the genie and shouts, "GENIE, I WANT YOU TO BEAT ME HALF TO DEATH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr4zi6/a_man_is_walking_along_the_beach_with_his_wife/
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animals are telling each other jokes

Animals are telling each other jokes. They have a rule that if someone tells a joke and everyone will not laugh, they will kill the one who was telling the joke.
First, the Bear tells a very good joke, everyone laughs except the Turtle, so they kill the Bear.
Then, the Fox tells a good joke, everyone laughs except the Turtle, so they kill the Fox.
Then, the Wolf starts telling a joke, it's not good, no one is laughing... then the Turtle bursts into laughter: "Ha, ha, ha, ha, the Bear told such a good joke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr4z5q/animals_are_telling_each_other_jokes/
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An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr4xn6/an_angel_appears_in_a_puff_of_smoke_to_a_man_and/
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Name one truth you've learnt after growing up

Grown ups are good at lying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr4ugz/name_one_truth_youve_learnt_after_growing_up/
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An old Egyptian mathematician was trying to figure out how long a day was

But after 24 hours he called it a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr4qf2/an_old_egyptian_mathematician_was_trying_to/
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I used to work in a pub next to a hospital

and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins. I asked him how I could help? and bizarrely he said can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila. It’s a free country so I start to pour the drinks in order as I put them on the bar be downs them one at a time. As I finish pouring all of the drinks he’s down to the shots of tequila which he dispatches one at a time in quick pace. He then looks at me really sadly and says “I shouldn’t have drank all that with what I’ve got”, I said “why what have you got?” and he said about $3.50

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr4oc9/i_used_to_work_in_a_pub_next_to_a_hospital/
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If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, what's the way to a woman's vagina?

Oh sorry, I thought this was /r/AskReddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr4m2g/if_the_way_to_a_mans_heart_is_through_his_stomach/
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What’s the difference between being in prison and playing on a basketball team?

On a basketball team, your guards won’t leave you hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr4izk/whats_the_difference_between_being_in_prison_and/
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How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr4hgr/how_much_does_it_cost_a_pirate_to_get_his_ears/
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Im 45 years old and I just bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.

But what would she know? She’s only 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr4fsl/im_45_years_old_and_i_just_bought_my_very_first/
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My friend just fainted whilst riding The London Eye.

He's slowly coming round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr4evq/my_friend_just_fainted_whilst_riding_the_london/
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A woman goes to a doctor named Dr. Wong.

"Doctor, I can't get a date, no one will go out with me."
In a very thick Asian accent, Dr. Wong says, "Take off clothes and get on all four hands and knees."
She does.
"Now crawl to wall."
She does so and looks back at him.
"I know what wrong."
“What is it Doctor! What do I have?"
"You have Ed Zachary disease."
"Ed Zachary disease? What is that?!"
"You face look Ed Zachary like you ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr4by2/a_woman_goes_to_a_doctor_named_dr_wong/
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What is the shortest increment of time?

The time it takes for the guy behind you to sound his horn after the lights turn green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr47z2/what_is_the_shortest_increment_of_time/
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr43px/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_shins/
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I used to be paranoid when I jerked off. I would draw the curtains, open private browsing, lock the door, get excuses ready and everything else, but I overcame that and now I can masturbate at the drop of a hat.

Get kicked out of a lot of hat stores, though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr4157/i_used_to_be_paranoid_when_i_jerked_off_i_would/
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George Carlin, 30 years ago

"There was a Quasimodo look-a-like contest in the park today.  Police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr3fyg/george_carlin_30_years_ago/
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Tom Jones Syndrome

A man goes to the doctor with a complaint, "In my right ear, all I can hear is, 'What's New, Pussycat?'.  In my left ear, 'Delilah'."
The doctor says, "We call that 'Tom Jones Syndrome'."
"Is that a common malady?"
"It's Not Unusual."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr3cra/tom_jones_syndrome/
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A Man, A Woman, A Hobby!

A man has been alone on a deserted island for ten years.  One day a beautiful woman in SCUBA gear swims up on shore.
"Oh, thank God!  I've been alone here for so long!"
She unzips the side of her wet suit, revealing a shapely arm, and says, "Then, you've probably not had one of these ... ", and pulls out his favourite Cuban cigar.  " ... or, one of these ... ", she unzips the other side of her wet suit, revealing a firm thigh, and pulls out a long neck of his favourite beer.  She starts to unzip the front of her suit, revealing two high, pert breasts, and says, " ... and you've probably not played around ..."
The man leaps to his feet, peering inside.  "You got golf clubs in there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr38rg/a_man_a_woman_a_hobby/
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What do you call a handcuffed Italian?

Muted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr354i/what_do_you_call_a_handcuffed_italian/
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A circus wants to change some things about one of it's acts to make it more modern, but they don't want to give up all of the originality

It's a balancing act.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr2uws/a_circus_wants_to_change_some_things_about_one_of/
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I watched a documentary on how to stay awake...

It was a real eye-opener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr2uvw/i_watched_a_documentary_on_how_to_stay_awake/
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How do you pronounce a Welsh town?

Caerphilly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr2qqt/how_do_you_pronounce_a_welsh_town/
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Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antibodies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr2fue/why_dont_ants_get_sick/
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Medical Checkup

GP: You have too much sugar in your diet. I recommend swapping desserts for appetisers. They’re much better for you nutritionally.
Patient: Ugh do I have to?
GP: Doctor’s hors d’oeurves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr2bdy/medical_checkup/
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My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long...

She's single . . . She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway. She knocked on my door . . . I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and said, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk and have sex all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free . . . I have no plans at all!" Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr2b17/my_hot_neighbor_wanted_to_have_sex_all_night_long/
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Yo momma so fat..

She broke the branch in her family tree!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr2aj7/yo_momma_so_fat/
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A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr25qq/a_mormon_and_an_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
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Where did the hippopotamus go to learn?

The Hippo Campus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr21k1/where_did_the_hippopotamus_go_to_learn/
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What do you call eating ass on a plane?

Skyrim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr1z37/what_do_you_call_eating_ass_on_a_plane/
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I pulled an all-nighter watching a flamingo sleep...

It was outstanding all night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr1wjk/i_pulled_an_allnighter_watching_a_flamingo_sleep/
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Racecar spelt backwards is racecar

Racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr1qqf/racecar_spelt_backwards_is_racecar/
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Two hicks get on a plane from Saskatoon to Miami

About one hour into the flight there's an announcement made by the pilot "Hello this is your pilot speaking, 1 of our 4 engines failed, no need to panic, we're going to have a delay." After another hour a second announcement is made "Hello, another one of our four engines has failed, again, no need to panic. We'll have another delay." So another announcement is made, "Hello, our third engine has failed, once again there is no need to panic, but we will have another delay." One of the hicks turns to his buddy and says, "I sure hope that last engine doesn't fail, or else we'll be stuck up here all night."
My Uncle told me this joke in the car today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr1oo5/two_hicks_get_on_a_plane_from_saskatoon_to_miami/
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Why don’t t-Rex’s eat plants?

Because they’re extinct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr1n7n/why_dont_trexs_eat_plants/
%
I don't know who Cole is..

But he's my favorite law maker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr1m34/i_dont_know_who_cole_is/
%
What’s happens when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent?

BEATS ME

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr1k54/whats_happens_when_you_cross_alcohol_with_an/
%
St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realises someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realises that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell. He get’s on the phone to Old Nick.
St. Peter: So, Nick, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?
Nick: Bob? No way. Not going to. Since he has been down here he fixed the aircons, the plumbing and basically everything that was wrong with hell. We are living in paradise down here thanks to Bob. And at the fraction of the cost. Would you believe he found a way to power everything using thermodynamics? No way you am I sending him up.
St. Peter: Well this is highly irregular. You leave me no choice. I will have to sue.
Nick (laughing diabolically): Sue? Where do you suppose you’ll find a lawyer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr1415/st_peter_conducts_a_census_in_heaven_and_realises/
%
A man with a dog walks into a bar.

The bartender says “Is that a French poodle, because he’s going oui oui all over the place”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr12km/a_man_with_a_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr0zgq/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
%
What did the one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr0xae/what_did_the_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
Masturbation makes you deaf

Click the L button bellow to hear why. It's just a 30 seconds audio.
\[L - button\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr0wpx/masturbation_makes_you_deaf/
%
A boys called 911 in order to contact the police

Operator: Hello, can you please state your emergency.
Boy: I need help, two girls are fighting over me.
Operator: So what's the problem here?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr0wkw/a_boys_called_911_in_order_to_contact_the_police/
%
Meat

Guy in a pub sees two lumps of meat nailed to the ceiling. “What’s that about?” he asks the barman.
“Pub tradition. Jump and touch the meat, you get a free beer.”
The guy thinks a moment, then shakes his head. “I’m not taking that bet. The steaks are too high.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr0ryz/meat/
%
How do you turn a pistol into a shotgun?

Just shoot it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr0qce/how_do_you_turn_a_pistol_into_a_shotgun/
%
I used to work as a lifeguard

Until some blue kid got me fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr0k3s/i_used_to_work_as_a_lifeguard/
%
A group of people went to eat

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans . . .
. . . walk into a very fine restaurant together.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d' - after taking a good look at the group,
"You can't come in here without a Thai."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr0hco/a_group_of_people_went_to_eat/
%
Some Minnesotans went to hell.

They were so happy that it was nice and warm there. So, Satan turned the heat down, The Minnesotans then were happy because when hell freezes over, the Minnesota Vikings will win the Super Bowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr0h5m/some_minnesotans_went_to_hell/
%
I asked my friend how he likes living in North Korea

Hey said he couldn’t complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr0fzr/i_asked_my_friend_how_he_likes_living_in_north/
%
A woman is bringing home her groceries...

And sees her neighbor sitting shirtless in his front yard, drinking a beer. As he sips, a woman is pushing an old lawnmower around his grass, which is at least a foot tall.
As she unpacks her groceries and takes them inside, he continues to sit in the shade, a smile on his face. Upon seeing this smile, the woman becomes enraged. “How dare he?!”
So she storms out her front door and into his yard.
“I can’t believe you’re making her cut your grass! It’s totally wild and you can see she’s struggling! You’re such a bastard and you should be hung!”
To which he replies: “I am. That’s why she mows the lawn.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr0dka/a_woman_is_bringing_home_her_groceries/
%
What did the Indian man name his camel?

Humpal Singh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr0deo/what_did_the_indian_man_name_his_camel/
%
What is a New Zealanders favourite love song?

I cant help falling in love with a ewe..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr0cap/what_is_a_new_zealanders_favourite_love_song/
%
Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’
So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of the piece. After he finished, Mom was like ‘did you just eat that pie from the fridge?’ And he was like yeah and she was like ‘that was the piece OP had eaten off of. You’re gonna get sick’
AND HE GOES
‘Well instead of mono now we’ll be a duo’
WITHOUT HESITATING. CHAMPION!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr0bdw/possibly_the_greatest_dad_joke_of_my_dads_whole/
%
Why doesn't Piglet have any friends?

He plays with Pooh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr03hq/why_doesnt_piglet_have_any_friends/
%
Last time I had sex, it felt like the Olympic 100m final.

8 black men and a gun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cr013z/last_time_i_had_sex_it_felt_like_the_olympic_100m/
%
Homie: Can you do an “s” in Morse Code?

Me: ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqzshd/homie_can_you_do_an_s_in_morse_code/
%
What do you call a prison guard who is responsible for a high profile inmate?

Asleep apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqzpn5/what_do_you_call_a_prison_guard_who_is/
%
I live alone, and while I was watching TV, I saw these 10 ants running around frantically in my living room...

So I felt kind of bad for them, so I made them a little house using a cardboard box and some dirt from the backyard.
I guess this makes me their landlord.
Now it's just me and my tenants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqzof4/i_live_alone_and_while_i_was_watching_tv_i_saw/
%
Why can’t Jedi children use their powers at the supper table?

Jedi parents don’t believe their children should be force-fed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqzmai/why_cant_jedi_children_use_their_powers_at_the/
%
The tailor at the tuxedo store kept hovering over me, so I told him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqzjaa/the_tailor_at_the_tuxedo_store_kept_hovering_over/
%
A guy at a bar goes up onto the stage at an open mic night.

“I had a Russian friend once...
And a— *taps * Check, one, two.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqzfsi/a_guy_at_a_bar_goes_up_onto_the_stage_at_an_open/
%
So they are making glass coffins.

Will they be popular?
Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqzemi/so_they_are_making_glass_coffins/
%
There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqzadv/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqz881/why_dont_vegetarians_moan_during_sex/
%
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.

I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqz7c6/i_tried_to_open_a_bag_of_lays_but_it_exploded_all/
%
I'm addicted to brake fluid.

But I can stop any time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqz1qq/im_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
%
I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqz03d/i_always_turn_my_room_temperature_just_below_70/
%
An Oklahoma State Trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding

The trooper asks the clown "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says "I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler" says the clown.
"Alright" says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won't give you a ticket." The clown says "I don't have my equipment, it got sent ahead of me."
The trooper says excitedly "I've got some flares in the back of my car."
As the clown begins juggling the flares on the side of the road, a good-old boy, drunk off his ass, pulls in behind the trooper to witness the spectacle. After watching for a few minutes, the man then climbs into the back seat of the squad car. The trooper, having never seen a man arrest himself before, walks over to the man and asks "What are you doin, son?"
The man says "You may as well take me to jail now, 'cause I ain't gonna pass that test."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqyz7c/an_oklahoma_state_trooper_pulls_over_a_circus/
%
Why was the sand wet?

The sea weed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqyrgk/why_was_the_sand_wet/
%
A group of girls named Karen, Jane and Ruth often hang out. What are Karen and Jane like by themselves?

Completely Ruthless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqyqby/a_group_of_girls_named_karen_jane_and_ruth_often/
%
$2k is pocket change for me

That is until I realized I've been spelling quarters with a 'k' all my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqylzi/2k_is_pocket_change_for_me/
%
Hippopotamuses can outrun a human on land or in the water.

So if you’re in a triathlon against a hippo, you really have to make up time in the bicycle portion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqylu7/hippopotamuses_can_outrun_a_human_on_land_or_in/
%
Student: What’s Haiku?

Professor: Five, seven, five.
Student: Okay, thanks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqyioa/student_whats_haiku/
%
When you want a picture taken with a celebrity at a concert or event

just make sure you shave your head and wear a hospital gown, works for me every time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqyg69/when_you_want_a_picture_taken_with_a_celebrity_at/
%
It's been a few months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe I need to visit personally and find out what's wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqyg41/its_been_a_few_months_since_i_joined_the_gym_and/
%
What does a gay horse eat?

Haaaaaaaayyyyyy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqycmj/what_does_a_gay_horse_eat/
%
What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqyc39/what_do_you_call_a_bee_hive_with_no_exits/
%
I got to be the DJ at my uncle's wedding

Apparently, having "I Love Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo play ruined the mood for everybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqyatc/i_got_to_be_the_dj_at_my_uncles_wedding/
%
What does cannibalism mean?

Them: It’s when you eat a human
Me: No, I’m pretty sure it’s when you’re fed up with people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqy7hq/what_does_cannibalism_mean/
%
If Hitler were alive today, he'd hate playing Minecraft

Whenever he'd start mining diamonds, his generals would yell out "mine fewer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqy7fo/if_hitler_were_alive_today_hed_hate_playing/
%
Why do mountains grow so big?

They have no natural predators.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqy666/why_do_mountains_grow_so_big/
%
A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.”

The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.”
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.”
This time the priest questions, “Who is Nookie Green?”
“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies.
“Very well,” sighs the priest. “Go and say ten Hail “Mary’s.”
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest!
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, “Is that Nookie Green?”
The bug-eyed altar boy can’t believe his ears but replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqy2ig/a_young_catholic_man_goes_to_confession_and_says/
%
Funny Answering Machine Messages

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqy0wc/funny_answering_machine_messages/
%
What's a Catholic priest's favorite town to visit?

Du Bois

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqy0f7/whats_a_catholic_priests_favorite_town_to_visit/
%
My friend won the lottery and had sex with with a MILF all in the same day

Lucky mother fucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqxyty/my_friend_won_the_lottery_and_had_sex_with_with_a/
%
Why did David Carradine practice KungFu instead of JiuJitsu?

He didn't want someone else choking him out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqxymr/why_did_david_carradine_practice_kungfu_instead/
%
A true story about my grandad

I remember we used to think my grandad was autistic or some kind of idiot savant. He left school at 14 with no qualifications, worked for 50 years as a coal miner, never read a book in his life but whenever you asked him anything, no matter how crazy or obscure he always had the answer. Then we got the internet and realised he was just a lying old bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqxuuu/a_true_story_about_my_grandad/
%
A widow is attending her husbands funeral.

The dead mans best friend leans over to the widow and asks.
“Can I say a word”
“I would greatly appreciate that“
“Plethora”
“Thank you, that means a lot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqxsns/a_widow_is_attending_her_husbands_funeral/
%
The nurse taking my blood got annoyed when I told them they were bad at their job,

I don’t understand why though, after all they did keep saying: ‘be negative’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqxlcc/the_nurse_taking_my_blood_got_annoyed_when_i_told/
%
I once dated a girl with a twin

People used to ask me how I could tell them apart. It was simple really Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqxg17/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_a_twin/
%
What's it called when a penis ejaculates?

Happenis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqx9sb/whats_it_called_when_a_penis_ejaculates/
%
What do you call a cow with no feelings?

My ex wife!
(My dad told this and I laughed to hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqx7wv/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_feelings/
%
Two friends are at a bar, then one goes to the bathroom...

Friend 1: Dude, I just made $150.50 sucking dick in the bathroom
Friend 2: Who gave you 50 cents?
Friend 1: All of them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqx0g1/two_friends_are_at_a_bar_then_one_goes_to_the/
%
I never trust stairs.

They’re always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqx0fg/i_never_trust_stairs/
%
I used to hate facial hair

But then it grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqx065/i_used_to_hate_facial_hair/
%
How many ants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.
If there's only one ant, it's ant masturbation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqwyo3/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
I'm 45 and have the body of a 25 year old model

She's in my basement. What do I do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqws3c/im_45_and_have_the_body_of_a_25_year_old_model/
%
I'll never date an apostrophe...

The last one was too possessive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqwq3x/ill_never_date_an_apostrophe/
%
How do you call a teacher that touches up his students?

A PDF file

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqwo2v/how_do_you_call_a_teacher_that_touches_up_his/
%
One question?

Friend: Can I ask you a question?
Me: you just did
Friend: okay two questions?
Me: you just did it again
Friend: okay four?!
Me: you just did it again
Friend: when?!?!
Me: now
*gives a sly smile*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqwfdg/one_question/
%
I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqwdh2/i_suggested_to_my_wife_that_to_spice_up_our_sex/
%
What's a prison guard's favorite game?

Hangman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqw7vq/whats_a_prison_guards_favorite_game/
%
Why was the teacher covered in mustard?

Because she was a sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqw7ik/why_was_the_teacher_covered_in_mustard/
%
I broke up with my chiropractor girlfriend.

She was too manipulative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqw60x/i_broke_up_with_my_chiropractor_girlfriend/
%
What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common?

"I miss Vine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqw5j4/what_do_millennials_and_tarzan_falling_to_his/
%
I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years.

Thanks for everything dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqw0hq/i_know_this_awesome_guy_who_created_a_perfect/
%
A Holocaust survivor passed away, went to heaven, and told God a Holocaust joke

God: Holocaust jokes aren’t funny
Holocaust Survivor: I guess you had to be there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqvo8x/a_holocaust_survivor_passed_away_went_to_heaven/
%
Jesus is watching you.

While a thief is robbing a house in the middle of the night, he hears a voice from above that says, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out he turns around shining his flashlight but sees nothing.  So he figures that it must have been his imagination and convinces himself that everything is okay.  So he continues to rob the house.  Just as he's about to get a flat screen tv off of the wall, he hears the same voice from above that again says, "Jesus is watching you."
This time his adrenaline shoots up as he knows for sure that the voice was not his imagination.  In panic, he shines his light back and forth across the room looking for the source of the voice; until finally, his light shines upon a big bird cage hanging from the ceiling with a parrot inside of it.
The thief breathes a sigh of relief and says, "Oh, you're just a harmless parrot.  You had me scared for a second, haha."
So the thief continues working on getting the flat screen tv off of the wall.  But while he's working, he asks the parrot, "Hey parrot, what is your name?"
The parrot responds, "My name is Moses."
The thief pauses and with a chuckle asks, "What kind of stupid owner would name his parrot Moses?"
The parrot replies, "The same owner that named his rottweiler Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqvks6/jesus_is_watching_you/
%
A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqvbui/a_zoo_just_had_several_breakins_and_many_animals/
%
Secret of long life.

A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar. A man sat down beside him and said, "You know you really shouldn't eat all those candy bars. They're bad for you." The little boy said, "My great grandpa lived to be 103". The man said, "Did he eat loads of candy bars?". The little boy said "No, he just minded his own fucking business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqv5tw/secret_of_long_life/
%
Why is the code for the Los Angeles airport called LAX?

It's short for laxative. It is guaranteed to irritate the shit out of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqv4va/why_is_the_code_for_the_los_angeles_airport/
%
What do you call a band of owls?

The Hoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqv2bi/what_do_you_call_a_band_of_owls/
%
What's chris browns favourite song?

Hit me baby one more time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqv21v/whats_chris_browns_favourite_song/
%
How can you tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

GIVE IT A WEIGH, GIVE IT A WEIGH, GIVE IT A WEIGH NOW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqv0h1/how_can_you_tell_how_heavy_a_red_hot_chili_pepper/
%
Three of the hardest things to say...

1. I was wrong.
2. I love you.
3. Worcestershire Sauce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cquwti/three_of_the_hardest_things_to_say/
%
What did the sewage worker say when he was working on new years?

I’m tired of last year’s shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cquo4s/what_did_the_sewage_worker_say_when_he_was/
%
A woman found her lover cheating and tried to cut off his penis, but missed and hit his thigh...

she was charged with a misdeweiner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqulqe/a_woman_found_her_lover_cheating_and_tried_to_cut/
%
A priest, a rabbi and a redditor walks into a bar

"Oww!" all 3 exclaimed rubbing their foreheads as the bar for r/jokes was too low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqulfk/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_redditor_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What does the date on the wedding ring mean?

- Best before.
(My first post)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqukyz/what_does_the_date_on_the_wedding_ring_mean/
%
I went to a fortune teller today. She said she had a headache...

So I offered her some aspirin, medium strength.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cques5/i_went_to_a_fortune_teller_today_she_said_she_had/
%
Killed a guy with diabetes

It was a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqudxr/killed_a_guy_with_diabetes/
%
“It’s a boy!” I shouted, with tears rolling down my face. “It’s a boy! I don’t believe it!”

And it was at that point that I resolved never to visit Thailand again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqudkb/its_a_boy_i_shouted_with_tears_rolling_down_my/
%
There are two types of people on earth. People who are aggressively violent, and people who are aroused by vegetables.

As for me, I cum in peas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqudge/there_are_two_types_of_people_on_earth_people_who/
%
Humans are scared of hippos because they are violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year

But people kill way more people per year so that’s just being hippocritical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqub92/humans_are_scared_of_hippos_because_they_are/
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Where lawyers come from...Joke

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified.
She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqu2bl/where_lawyers_come_fromjoke/
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My 6-year-old's joke

Q: Why did the butt walk to work?
A: Because it was out of gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqtz4e/my_6yearolds_joke/
%
I came up with a new word today:

Plagarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqtq3a/i_came_up_with_a_new_word_today/
%
What do you call it when Spider-Man jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqtpju/what_do_you_call_it_when_spiderman_jumps_from/
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I will for the teapot

Mick was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary to the hardware
store.
At the hardware store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe to
finish serving a customer.
When Joe was finished, Mary asked, “How much for the teapot?” Joe replied, “That’s silver and it
costs $100!”
“My goodness, that’s a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge
that Mick had sent her to buy and Joe went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?”
To which Mary replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqstdf/i_will_for_the_teapot/
%
In China, archaeologists recently discovered the oldest known statue of a penis...

...carbon dating estimates it came from the Dong Dynasty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqsr4t/in_china_archaeologists_recently_discovered_the/
%
What do oil changes and sex have in common?

My wife doesn't believe in either of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqsn3x/what_do_oil_changes_and_sex_have_in_common/
%
A Russian, an American, and a Canadian

were at a bar.
The Russian says,"We were the first in space!"
The American says, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Canadian is silent for a while, and then exclaims confidently, "Then we shall be the first on the sun!"
Both give him a confused look. After a few seconds pass, they realize the Canadian is serious, causing the two to burst into laughter. The Russian says, "You can't go to the sun! You'll burn up way before you even get near it!"
The Canadian looks at him disappointedly, shakes his head, and responds, "Boris, I'm not an idiot. We'll do it at night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqsf0v/a_russian_an_american_and_a_canadian/
%
Dolly Parton just announced she's buying Big Lots, Piggly Wiggly, and Harris Teeter.

She's combining them to open a superstore called Big Wiggly Teeters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqrzbm/dolly_parton_just_announced_shes_buying_big_lots/
%
What do you call a big dog who's always alert?

Awarewolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqrxo7/what_do_you_call_a_big_dog_whos_always_alert/
%
I’m honestly sick and tired of people asking me what would i be doing in 139 days

like as if I  have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqrueq/im_honestly_sick_and_tired_of_people_asking_me/
%
A black man and a bird walk into a bar.

The bartender said "What a beauty! Where did you get him?"
The bird replied "Africa."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqrsrc/a_black_man_and_a_bird_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I bought a dog from a blacksmith today

as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqrp6z/i_bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith_today/
%
What's the difference between a rose and a BMW?

A rose has pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqrn3i/whats_the_difference_between_a_rose_and_a_bmw/
%
Why aren't farmers investing in flying cows?

Because the steaks are too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqrj8p/why_arent_farmers_investing_in_flying_cows/
%
Fish for sale

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they’re dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren’t supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That’s the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqrhx0/fish_for_sale/
%
Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

Because of the drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqrewv/why_does_snoop_dog_carry_an_umbrella/
%
What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Found in your cell, unresponsive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqrazc/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_bill_clinton_and/
%
A Make-a-Wish child wanted to know, if his favorite TV show was staged or real. The producers told him that he will need to wait for a little longer.

Now he's dying to know the truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqr9wk/a_makeawish_child_wanted_to_know_if_his_favorite/
%
I heard a great joke on the Sims once.

Ba shlurgch humar?
DORCH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqr83h/i_heard_a_great_joke_on_the_sims_once/
%
I saw a horse driving a car the other day

It was a mustang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqr1o2/i_saw_a_horse_driving_a_car_the_other_day/
%
What do you call sex workers in the far north?

Frostitutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqr1df/what_do_you_call_sex_workers_in_the_far_north/
%
John was a very fat guy who was sick of being ridiculed all the time.

So he decided to do something to reduce his weight. Next morning he found an advertisement in the newspaper claiming to help him lose weight quickly. Intrigued, he called them and asked for the plans available.
The operator told him that there are three plans
"10 pounds in a week"
"20 pounds in a week"
"50 pounds in a week".
Excited, John asked for the 10 pounds a week plan to be activated.
Next morning a beautiful woman wearing nothing but Nike shoes and a placard on her chest knocked on John's door. The placard read,
" If you catch me you can do anything you want with me"
As soon as John read that, the woman ran away, and John followed. After 3 hours John caught her and then had his way with her. This went on for a week and John was impressed by the results. So impressed, that in fact he called the company and asked for the 20 pounds a week plan to be activated.
Next morning 3 beautiful women wearing nothing but Nike shoes and a placard on their chests knocked on John's door. The placards read,
"If you catch us you can do anything you want with us"
Excited, John ran after the women, and caught all of them after 8 hours. Then He had his way with them. This also went on for a week.
His curiosity mounting, he wanted to activate the 50 pounds a week plan. When he called the company, the operator warned him, " Are your sure? This is our toughest plan."
But John agreed and was looking forward to the women next morning.
Next morning, when John opened the door, he found a 6'6" hulking dude with popping muscles wearing nothing but Nike shoes and a placard that read,
"If I catch you I can do anything I want with you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqqtel/john_was_a_very_fat_guy_who_was_sick_of_being/
%
My personal twist on good ol' #4295

A squirrel walks into a bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender replies, "As luck would have it, we're having a special on grapes today! Only $2.99 for a bowl."
The squirrel orders a bowl, sits down and tucks in. After taking a few bites, he begins moaning with pleasure. No one in the bar says anything because they are too embarrassed, and are just hoping he will stop. Instead, the moaning gets louder and louder until it's obvious the squirrel has just made a mess in his pants. "Hey!" says the bartender. "What do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a squirrel," he replies, tossing the bartender an animal encyclopedia. "Look it up!"
The bartender looks up "squirrel" and sure enough, the entry says: a small rodent with a large bushy tail. Eats fruit and nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqqly0/my_personal_twist_on_good_ol_4295/
%
An electrician comes home late

Wife: "Wire you insulate?"
Electrician: "Watts it to you, I'm ohm ain't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqqhub/an_electrician_comes_home_late/
%
Two guys meet in heaven after their death. One asks the other:

\- "So, how did you die?"
\- "I died from cold. I got frozen" answers the other and asks "How about you? What happened to you?"
\- "I died from laughing too much" - answers the other.
The second guy gets confused and asks: "What do you mean? How could you die from laughing?"
\- "Well, I was in my lovers house and suddenly her husband knocked on the door. We were scared and I was trying to find a place to hide. So, my lover told me to hide behind the curtains and that she will handle it. I hided behind the curtains and she went to open the door. She took the trashes and gave them to her husband and asked him to throw the trashes before he comes in. While he was out I escaped the place and went home. When I reached my home and knocked on the door, my wife opened the door and gave me the trashes. I got furious and started searching my house. I look everywhere and couldn't find anything. Finally, I went to the bedroom and check under the bed. No one was there. Then I set on the bed and started laughing. I laughed and laughed and suddenly died."
The other guy looks at him and says: - "You idiot. If you have checked inside the fridge we would both have been alive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqqbrm/two_guys_meet_in_heaven_after_their_death_one/
%
Why have you never seen a pregnant barbie doll?

because Ken came in another box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqq7sa/why_have_you_never_seen_a_pregnant_barbie_doll/
%
Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside.
External: Suppose you are travelling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?
Student: I will open the window.
External : Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compartment is 12 m3, the train is travelling at 80 km/hr in a Westerly direction and the speed of the wind is 5 m/s from the South, then how much time will  it take for the compartment to get cold?
The student couldn't answer, so he is marked fail and he comes out. After coming out he tells that question to the second student.
The second student goes in and his viva starts.
External: Suppose you a.re travelling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?
2nd Student: I will remove my coat.
External: It still is hot, then what?
Student: I will remove my shirt.
External (angrily): If it still is hot, then what will you do?
Student: I will remove my pant.
External (Fuming): And what if you die due to the heat?
Student: I don't care if I die... I'll never open the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqq5pd/two_engineering_students_are_waiting_to_give/
%
How many Agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

We can never know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqq35z/how_many_agnostics_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqpumr/i_was_walking_past_a_farm_and_a_sign_said_duck/
%
My friend called me and said, “A wizard turned me into a tiny harp!”

I drove to his house just to find out he’s a big lyre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqpuej/my_friend_called_me_and_said_a_wizard_turned_me/
%
They say “masturbation is better with a dead arm”.

Apparently I ruined that funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqpqm1/they_say_masturbation_is_better_with_a_dead_arm/
%
C.S.Lewis once wrote an anthology on anime culture...

...The Chronicles of Nani-a.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqpn6f/cslewis_once_wrote_an_anthology_on_anime_culture/
%
My Star Wars obsessed son wouldn't stop asking for a car.

So I bought him a toy Yoda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqpjr0/my_star_wars_obsessed_son_wouldnt_stop_asking_for/
%
I went to the barbers earlier and said I wanted my hair cutting like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqp6c8/i_went_to_the_barbers_earlier_and_said_i_wanted/
%
I was woken last night to what I thought was the onions in my fridge singing a Bee Gees song...

But when I went to look it was just the chives talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqp6a3/i_was_woken_last_night_to_what_i_thought_was_the/
%
Choosing a new password: potato

Choosing a new password:  potato
\-Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.
boiled potato
\-Sorry, password must contain at least one number.
1 boiled potato
\-Sorry, password cannot contain spaces
50fuckingboiledpotatoes
\-Sorry, password must contain capital letters.
50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes
\-Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.
IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
\-Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.
NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
\-Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account. Please try again later.
....FUUUCK.
(stolen from a youtube comment)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqp32y/choosing_a_new_password_potato/
%
I spent 4 hours yesterday in a meeting talking about pumps,

was I ever drained near the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqoun1/i_spent_4_hours_yesterday_in_a_meeting_talking/
%
Bought a pen the other day that can write under water

It can write other words too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqosrj/bought_a_pen_the_other_day_that_can_write_under/
%
Panda and the Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'
The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqop72/panda_and_the_prostitute/
%
In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqomhl/in_the_beginning_god_asked_adam_to_name_the/
%
I found my first grey pubic hair today.

Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqokp5/i_found_my_first_grey_pubic_hair_today/
%
Give a man a plane ticket, he'll fly for a day

Push a man out of a plane, he'll fly for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqok32/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_hell_fly_for_a_day/
%
I hate flying vehicles.

A lot of them are so plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqoh0j/i_hate_flying_vehicles/
%
I was lucky enough to see Albert Einstein give a lecture back in the day. It wasn’t very good

Relatively speaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqodur/i_was_lucky_enough_to_see_albert_einstein_give_a/
%
I just watched a movie about graphs, and I was really disappointed.

The plot was predictable. The special f(x) was terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqobo1/i_just_watched_a_movie_about_graphs_and_i_was/
%
A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully, ‘ are-my-tests-re-sults-back?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqo9k4/a_man_is_in_an_hospital_bed_wearing_an_oxygen/
%
Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs.

Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqo5dn/vladimir_putin_is_at_an_airport_and_is_going/
%
I once put rum and pineapple into CERN's particle accelerator

Discovered the Piña Collider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqo4ab/i_once_put_rum_and_pineapple_into_cerns_particle/
%
My girlfriend gave me a handjob in the sauna.

I got a heat stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqo45c/my_girlfriend_gave_me_a_handjob_in_the_sauna/
%
Son, sit on my knee.

What is it dad?
Son, do you know what adoption is?
Err yes, yes I do dad.
Well, your mother and I were thinking about getting you a cat...
Phew, dad.
Yes son. We thought it might be a nice present for an adopted kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqo3gh/son_sit_on_my_knee/
%
"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqnwx8/tell_me_what_you_want_i_whispered_as_i_slid_my/
%
I've become friend with a nice patient in our psychiatric hospital, but I still haven't got his name.

I call him George, but the doctors call him Imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqnuup/ive_become_friend_with_a_nice_patient_in_our/
%
A man and his wife, in the desert...

They are both riding camels. His wife's camel suddenly stumbles, throwing her on the sand.
"That's one", she says.
Some time goes by, and the same event happens.
"That's two", she says.
After a while the camel stumbles again, but this time his wife gets her pistol out and shoots the camel.
"And that was three", she says.
The man starts arguing about how cruel she could be towards animals.
"That's one", his wife says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqnr1h/a_man_and_his_wife_in_the_desert/
%
What's the difference between a bobcat and a cougar?

You ride a Bobcat, a cougar rides you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqnn7i/whats_the_difference_between_a_bobcat_and_a_cougar/
%
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

A slow swimmer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqninu/what_do_you_call_the_soft_tissue_between_a_sharks/
%
Stop blaming the video games for violence.

Some of you played Mortal Kombat your whole lives and never learned how to finish her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqnfqy/stop_blaming_the_video_games_for_violence/
%
What do cats and women have in common?

They both fucking hate me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqndsy/what_do_cats_and_women_have_in_common/
%
To whoever stole my shoes and hi-vis vest

You can run but you can't hide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqnbx4/to_whoever_stole_my_shoes_and_hivis_vest/
%
How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqn2r7/how_do_ethiopian_horses_ward_evil_spirits_away/
%
I love my six-pack.

It's no wonder I protect it with a thick layer of fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqn0ng/i_love_my_sixpack/
%
So what if I don't know what the apocalypse means?

It's not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqmx4z/so_what_if_i_dont_know_what_the_apocalypse_means/
%
a bishop walks up to a bar

and the bartender says ‘you can’t do that. you can only move diagonally.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqmwyr/a_bishop_walks_up_to_a_bar/
%
African children love their food like I love my Lamborghini.

I don’t own a Lamborghini.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqmwej/african_children_love_their_food_like_i_love_my/
%
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

I don't like coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqmr20/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
I start my new job as a street cleaner today.

There's no training, you just pick it up as you go along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqmpyq/i_start_my_new_job_as_a_street_cleaner_today/
%
What’s the difference between chillin and hangin

They didn’t find Jeffrey Epstein chillin in his cell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqmksq/whats_the_difference_between_chillin_and_hangin/
%
A white girl, an Asian girl and a black girl are on a plane...

At a certain point an engine fails and the plane crashes into the ocean.
As the plane is sinking the white girl quickly grabs her bag and starts putting on makeup and says: "When the rescue gets here they will obviously look for the prettiest women first".
The Asian girl quickly grabs all her PhD certificates and says: "No, they will obviously look for the smartest women"
The black girl opens her legs and points at her crotch: " Y'all dumb, they will obviously look for the black box first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqmj3t/a_white_girl_an_asian_girl_and_a_black_girl_are/
%
What would be a funny store to open next to forever 21?

Finally 22

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqmcax/what_would_be_a_funny_store_to_open_next_to/
%
My friend, who is an autosexual, told me that he feels like a failure in life

I told him, "don't be so hard on yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqm8bg/my_friend_who_is_an_autosexual_told_me_that_he/
%
What did the chicken do at the end of his shift?

He clucked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqm6gz/what_did_the_chicken_do_at_the_end_of_his_shift/
%
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

I can't put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqm1fy/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
%
Why do guys tell jokes when trying to pick up women?

Because ladies love cunning linguists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqm0is/why_do_guys_tell_jokes_when_trying_to_pick_up/
%
Heisenberg's joke

*Knock knock*
Who's there?
I am the one
I am the one who?
*Knock knock*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqm03p/heisenbergs_joke/
%
If a guy with only one arm speaks sign language,

is it a speech impediment or an accent?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqluzc/if_a_guy_with_only_one_arm_speaks_sign_language/
%
Obama doesn't live in a house

He lives in a Barack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqlsd1/obama_doesnt_live_in_a_house/
%
How do you know Jeffrey Epstein converted to Islam?

He was promised 72 virgins in the afterlife and he just couldn’t wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqlfax/how_do_you_know_jeffrey_epstein_converted_to_islam/
%
Why are there no toilets in Hell?

Because it is damnation without relief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqleu4/why_are_there_no_toilets_in_hell/
%
The pope decides to remove all of the jews from italy.

The jews, obviously, disagree with this; so the pope agrees to have a debate with a rabbi for if the jews should stay in italy or not. The jews vote and decide on an old, wise rabbi.
The time for the debate comes, and it dawns on them that they can't understand each other, so they decide to have a nonverbal debate.
The pope waves his finger around in the air, and the rabbi replies by pointing down at the ground. The pope then holds up 3 fingers, and the rabbi replies by holding up a single finger. The pope then takes out bread and wine, and the rabbi takes out an apple. The pope concedes, and lets the jews stay in italy.
After the debate is over, a young cardinal asks the pope why he conceded. The pope replies to the cardinal
"I waved my hand in the air to show that God is all around us, and he pointed to the ground to show that God is right here with us. I held up 3 fingers, symbolizing the trinity, and he held up one, symbolizing the one god we share between us. I then took out the bread and wine, a reminder of the last supper and of holy communion; and he took out an apple, symbolizing the fruit of knowledge that lead up to that moment. From that point, I knew he had me beat."
while this is happening, a jew asks the rabbi how he won the debate.
"heck if i know, he waved his hand in the air to show that he would remove all of the jews from italy, so i pointed down to show that we're staying right here. he said we had 3 days to get out of italy, so i gave him the finger."
"and what about the last part?"
"well he took out his lunch so i took out mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqlbim/the_pope_decides_to_remove_all_of_the_jews_from/
%
So Hitler wrote a book about his favorite piece of furniture

Mine kampfy couch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cql3ol/so_hitler_wrote_a_book_about_his_favorite_piece/
%
What do you call a black man with a PHD ?

A doctor, you fucking racist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqkzf1/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_with_a_phd/
%
Getting a sex change

It takes balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqky6f/getting_a_sex_change/
%
All my passwords are protected

by amnesia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqky60/all_my_passwords_are_protected/
%
Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow.  This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out."  Harold would always just grin and go about his morning ritual.
One year for Thanksgiving, Ethel had to get up early to prep the turkey.  As she was removing the bird's giblets, she had a wonderful idea for a practical joke.  She quietly tiptoed into their bedroom while Harold was still asleep, and gently slipped some of the lumpier gibs into his boxer briefs and snuck back to the kitchen giggling to herself.
About a half hour or so later, she heard the usual morning trumpeting but this time accompanied by a blood-curdling scream, followed by loud footsteps and the slamming of their bathroom door.  Ethel laughed to herself and went on with the meal prep.
About 10 minutes later Harold emerged from the bathroom with a triumphant smile on his face.  "Ethel, you were right, my morning methane had such a powerful follow through that I went and shit my guts right out.  But by the grace of God and these two fingers, everything's gonna be alright."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqktl2/harold_and_ethel_had_been_happily_married_for/
%
A man asked a priest if he knows how to get a church singing group.

“Do you mean a choir?”                                                                    *Sighs* ”Fine. Do you know how to
acquire a church singing group?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqkkx6/a_man_asked_a_priest_if_he_knows_how_to_get_a/
%
Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?

Because everyone who can run jump and swim is already in the USA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqkflt/why_doesnt_mexico_have_an_olympic_team/
%
Did you hear about the line of veggie burgers released by Greta Van Fleet?

They are 100% plant-based.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqkbpc/did_you_hear_about_the_line_of_veggie_burgers/
%
What's an Irish swimmer's favorite stroke?

Margaret Thatcher's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqka0z/whats_an_irish_swimmers_favorite_stroke/
%
I wish my lawn was emo

so it would cut itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqk7pa/i_wish_my_lawn_was_emo/
%
What feels fragile at first but starts to feel more durable the longer you have it?

Your phone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqk526/what_feels_fragile_at_first_but_starts_to_feel/
%
What's the difference between a boat and a woman?

There's a chance that a boat will go down on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqk1ht/whats_the_difference_between_a_boat_and_a_woman/
%
My friend asked me if I ever wanted to have a threesome.

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once I would fuck my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqjxbj/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_ever_wanted_to_have_a/
%
I was gently stroking a woman I had just met.

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
She started to squirm a little, as if shocked by my touch.
I put my hand off to the side, and smiled at her, saying:
"You're good to go m'am, have a safe flight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqjwmg/i_was_gently_stroking_a_woman_i_had_just_met/
%
Super proud of myself. Shot a 72 golfing yesterday.

Granted, it was a 9 hole, par 3 course. But still. Shot a 72.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqjva8/super_proud_of_myself_shot_a_72_golfing_yesterday/
%
They recently opened a gynecologist clinic near my house.

I'm fine with it, but they really shouldn't have put up a sign that said "GRAND OPENING"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqjur8/they_recently_opened_a_gynecologist_clinic_near/
%
What is a funeral director’s favorite game?

Formaldehyde and go seek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqjrng/what_is_a_funeral_directors_favorite_game/
%
What’s a Communist’s favorite gaming console?

Nintendo Wii

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqjrch/whats_a_communists_favorite_gaming_console/
%
Nobody should be ashamed of what their sexual kink is, unless your kink is being humiliated.

Then you should be very ashamed you nasty little pervert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqjr6s/nobody_should_be_ashamed_of_what_their_sexual/
%
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqjr4l/kid_1_hey_i_bet_youre_still_a_virgin/
%
If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain...

Getting drunk in the shower would save a lot of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqjmm0/if_you_like_pina_coladas_and_getting_caught_in/
%
Doctor: Does impotence bother you in your day to day life?

Patient: It hasn't come up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqjego/doctor_does_impotence_bother_you_in_your_day_to/
%
Little Timmy goes up to Grandpa O’Malley and says...

“Can I have 5 bucks for a guinea pig?”
Grandpa O’Malley says “here’s 10 bucks, go get yourself a nice Irish girl instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqjckl/little_timmy_goes_up_to_grandpa_omalley_and_says/
%
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Cause they’re not baygulls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqjc7c/why_dont_seagulls_fly_over_the_bay/
%
Science jokes

Man: Help!
Officer: What is the problem?
Man: He's throwing sodium chloride at me!
Officer: Why does that provoke a shout for help?
Man: Because it's a salt!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqjc1z/science_jokes/
%
Shopping

A woman is shopping in the produce department. She approaches the clerk. Excuse me, but where is the broccoli? She asks. He says, sorry, we are out of broccoli. Come back tomorrow. The woman continues shopping, but approaches the clerk again a few minutes later. I need broccoli. Where is it? Ma’am, the clerk says, we are out of broccoli. Come back tomorrow. The woman seems to understand. But ten minutes go by and she is back. Where is the broccoli? Once again, the clerk tells her that they are fresh out of broccoli and to come back in the morning. The clerk continues stocking the shelves, but soon the woman is back. I can’t find the broccoli, she says. The clerks ask the woman, excuse me, but could you tell me how to spell dog, like dogmatic? D O G, the woman says. What about cat, like catastrophe? You spell it C A T. Very good, the clerk says. What about fuck, like in broccoli? There is no fuck in broccoli, the woman says. Exactly, says the clerk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqj9w9/shopping/
%
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a woman...

you feed him for atleast a week (more if he rations the meat properly).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqj9r3/give_a_man_a_fish_you_feed_him_for_a_day_give_a/
%
"Let's play hide and seek. If you find me you get to have sex with me"

"If you don't, I'm in the closet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqj7qn/lets_play_hide_and_seek_if_you_find_me_you_get_to/
%
I’d like to start dieting...

But I’ve got too much on my plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqj6wg/id_like_to_start_dieting/
%
Why did the coffee file a police report?

He got mugged!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqj5dh/why_did_the_coffee_file_a_police_report/
%
Why are uncircumcised guys always horny?

Because the boys in the hood are always hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqiqa5/why_are_uncircumcised_guys_always_horny/
%
King Midas's son never wanted to go into the gold statue business.

But his dad gilded him into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqio04/king_midass_son_never_wanted_to_go_into_the_gold/
%
-What's Harry Potter's best way of moving?

It's running.
JK Rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqihyq/whats_harry_potters_best_way_of_moving/
%
Plastics

I recently gave up plastic straws and plastics in general. Now I just book a vacation in the Galapagos once a year, and crush those turtles to death myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqie3s/plastics/
%
A 10 year old notices three sizes of condoms packs in a store. One containing three, one containing six and one containing twelve condoms.

He ask his father: Dad, why do these come in three sizes?
His dad replies: The pack containing three is for big high school boys, who have sex once on Fridays, oncd on Saturdays and once on Sundays.
The boy feels enlightened now, but remembers there are bigger packs, he asks about the one with six in it.
His father says: Oh, those are for young adults who have sex twice on Fridays, twice on Saturdays and twice on Sundays too.
The boy can't imagine what the pack containing twelve might be for so he asks it.
The dads says: Well, those are for big married men who have wives: One for January, one for February, one for March...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqi2e5/a_10_year_old_notices_three_sizes_of_condoms/
%
I just read a book called "how to survive falling down a staircase"

Yeah it's a step by step guide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqi1u7/i_just_read_a_book_called_how_to_survive_falling/
%
God, bored one day, decides to visit one of his most loyal followers and grant him one wsh.

Follower: Wow, anything I want!?!?
God: Yes, as long as it is in reason.
Follower: OK, can I get a highway from my house to Hawaii?
God: I'm sorry, that would interfere with other people and nature, so I'm afraid I cannot do that.
Follower: Alright, I wish to be able to understand women.
God: How many lanes you want on that highway?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqhy0e/god_bored_one_day_decides_to_visit_one_of_his/
%
A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqhsik/a_guy_with_a_baby_on_board_sticker_just_backed/
%
Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they"re dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqhsbi/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
When I was pregnant I was with the conservatives

But now I'm in Labour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqhn7b/when_i_was_pregnant_i_was_with_the_conservatives/
%
What is the weight of an influencer's brain?

One Instagram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqhmng/what_is_the_weight_of_an_influencers_brain/
%
I was going to tell a sodium joke but

Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqhmm8/i_was_going_to_tell_a_sodium_joke_but/
%
You ever hear the one about little Johnny tearin’ it up?

(Disclaimer: very dirty joke told to me by my teacher today)
One day little Johnny is riding the bus home and he hears the older children in the bus talking about sex. So he goes home and he says “dad I heard some kids talking about sex at school today but I don’t know what sex is.”
Johnny’s dad says, “It’s kinda hard to explain so I’ll show you” he calls johnny’s mom over and asks her to lift her skirt. She lifts it up and he says, “you see that hole right there? Watch ol’ dad tear it up.”
So a couple nights later Johnny’s little brother jimmy sees his parents having sex and he calls Johnny over and says, “what are they doing?”
Johnny says, “they’re having sex you idiot.”
Jimmy says, “what is sex?”
Johnny says, “it’s not easy to explain but I’ll see if I can show you. You see that whole in dad’s butt? Watch ol’ Johnny tear it up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqhimf/you_ever_hear_the_one_about_little_johnny_tearin/
%
There are two types of people

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete sentences

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqhc43/there_are_two_types_of_people/
%
I thought about learning how to shoot a longbow

but there were just too many drawbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqhb4x/i_thought_about_learning_how_to_shoot_a_longbow/
%
Who says beer makes you dumb?

It made budweiser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqh7vw/who_says_beer_makes_you_dumb/
%
My wife said the lake was so pretty.

I said it's just like you
She said "aw I'm pretty!"
I said "no I mean large and frigid"
I love my new couch bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqh45c/my_wife_said_the_lake_was_so_pretty/
%
What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqh40j/what_do_tofu_and_dildos_have_in_common/
%
This huge guy broke into my house last night.

I confronted him but he punched me in the stomach then smacked me across the face.  While I lay on the ground he stole my wallet, my phone, and then walked out with my TV.
I didn't manage to scratch him or take a photo but rang the police anyway in the hope they'd at least be able to find a stray hair from which to get DNA evidence.  But there was nothing - not a loose clothing fibre, not a footprint, he'd worn gloves, and apparently the man had alopecia. I couldn't believe it. I'd been hit by, been struck by, a smooth criminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqh3o2/this_huge_guy_broke_into_my_house_last_night/
%
My wife caught me with a sock on my cock. "What are you doing? That's not a foot, you dirty bastard!" she screamed.

"It's damn near 11 inches!" I yelled back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqguyl/my_wife_caught_me_with_a_sock_on_my_cock_what_are/
%
If Darth Vader said "Nothing's gonna stop us now" instead of "There will be no one to stop us this time..."

Would that make him Mannequin Skywalker?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqgpbu/if_darth_vader_said_nothings_gonna_stop_us_now/
%
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqgls3/i_was_digging_in_our_garden_when_i_found_a_chest/
%
Cleanliness

Why did the doctor's hands turn into devils?
He was using hand satanizer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqgkjk/cleanliness/
%
Jesus walks into a Hotel,

He throws three nails on the counter and asks the clerk, "Hey can you put me up for the night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqgief/jesus_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
Have you heard about the new way to ignore clickbaits?

Aparently not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqgcu5/have_you_heard_about_the_new_way_to_ignore/
%
What do you call a drum shared by two nuns?

A conundrum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqgcht/what_do_you_call_a_drum_shared_by_two_nuns/
%
What do you call a pretentious fish?

Super-fish-ial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqg7e3/what_do_you_call_a_pretentious_fish/
%
My car tried to convince me it was out of fuel, but I was able to keep driving it for another 30 miles.

I think it was gaslighting me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqg39k/my_car_tried_to_convince_me_it_was_out_of_fuel/
%
Two nuns are walking down an alley at night.

Two guys jump out and start raping them.
The first nun looks to heaven and says, *"Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing."*
The second nun looks up and says, *"This one does!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqfw9x/two_nuns_are_walking_down_an_alley_at_night/
%
At the eye doctor...

...Now let’s see!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqfw1w/at_the_eye_doctor/
%
When a young Arnold Schwarzenegger was in Music Appreciation class...

each student was asked to give a presentation as their favorite composer. Being a huge fan of Mozart, Arnold was very excited to turn in his request. But much to his dismay, the teacher told him "Unfortunately, someone else already chosen to be Mozart."
To which Arnold replied, "No worries...I'll be Bach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqfux7/when_a_young_arnold_schwarzenegger_was_in_music/
%
Someone anonymously keeps sending me bunches of deheaded flowers.

I think I'm being stalked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqfokj/someone_anonymously_keeps_sending_me_bunches_of/
%
What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

**The taste**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqfn56/what_is_the_difference_between_an_oral/
%
Stormy Daniels: "So I felt this huge dick come inside me"...

but I never quite felt his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqfmwv/stormy_daniels_so_i_felt_this_huge_dick_come/
%
Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqfl6f/why_do_midgets_laugh_when_they_run/
%
The local farmer was voted in as mayor of his town.

The community always found him out-standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqfis8/the_local_farmer_was_voted_in_as_mayor_of_his_town/
%
A boss asked his employee what can be done to pick up the pace at work.

The employee said, "Remember that pay raise I asked for a couple months ago......."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqfh8m/a_boss_asked_his_employee_what_can_be_done_to/
%
The nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket and said...

"Some asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqfh6a/the_nurse_found_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her/
%
A black Jewish boy comes home from school. He asks his father "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

Father says "why do you wanna know that son?"
Boy says "Well there's a kid selling his bike at school for $50. I wanna know if I should offer him $40 or if I should just steal it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqffci/a_black_jewish_boy_comes_home_from_school_he_asks/
%
A comedian didn't want to disappoint his fans

, so when a couple asked if he wanted to smoke a joint with them after the show, he said sure.On the drive home, he noticed flashing lights behind him and pulled over.The officer came to the window and asked if he'd been drinking. The comedian said he hadn't.
The cop said "Is that marijuana I smell?"
The comedian said, "Oh, I ran over a skunk about twenty minutes ago."
The cop said, "So why are your eyes so red?"
"Because it was a baby skunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqf9vv/a_comedian_didnt_want_to_disappoint_his_fans/
%
I want to marry a good Christian woman someday...

because if she believes that shit, imagine how easy it will be to get her to believe my lies when I come home at 2am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqez2k/i_want_to_marry_a_good_christian_woman_someday/
%
Man makes a toast

Man hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, , “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
Man said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed!” She said.
The next day, the wife ran into one of her husband's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “Your husband won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqerqg/man_makes_a_toast/
%
What do British nuclear engineers eat?

Fission chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqelg5/what_do_british_nuclear_engineers_eat/
%
How many crackheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

4. 1 to hold the lightbulb and 3 to smoke until the room starts spinning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqekwf/how_many_crackheads_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Which stormtroopers did Vader hate most?

Sandtroopers. They're coarse and rough and irritating and they get everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqek8h/which_stormtroopers_did_vader_hate_most/
%
A Russian, an American, and an Irishman is in a bar, drinking and bragging (long)

The russian guy says: "in Russia, we have the biggest fleet in the world - if we put all our ships up, front to end on the atlantic, you could walk from Amstedam to New York"
The American says: "yes, but we have the largest airforce, if we flew all our planes over europe, the entire continent would be dark as the night"
The Irishman says "I know this guy who lives in Dublin, he has a 4 foot penis"
The Russian and the american are stunned - they sit there, looking at the Irishman - looking at eachother - looking at the Irisman again..
The Russian guy clears his throat "I might have exaggerated somewhat... maybe you would need little boat to get all the way across"
The American joins in "I might have exaggerated somewhat too - I dont think the ENTIRE continent would be dark as the night, just some countries"
The Irishman is a little embarresed "I was also exaggerating... he really lives in Belfast"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqek8m/a_russian_an_american_and_an_irishman_is_in_a_bar/
%
During a recent archaeological dig, researchers believe they have found the worlds first tampon...

...but they don't know from what period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqed2l/during_a_recent_archaeological_dig_researchers/
%
On a summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales ...

At the beautiful village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch,
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the blonde waitress,
''Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly".
The girl leaned over and said: - ''Burrr ........gurr .......king''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqe7a3/on_a_summers_day_two_american_tourists_were/
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What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A computer doesn't laugh at a 3.5" floppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqe7ac/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
%
What did the electrician say after he was unexpectedly fired from his job?

Now that’s a shocker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqdxye/what_did_the_electrician_say_after_he_was/
%
A British man visits a small American family farm... [Long]

And he's impressed at just how much food the farmer is able to grow on his small plot. "This is most impressive!" he says. "It seems like more than one family could eat, old boy! How do you deal with the excess?"
The farmer, a man of few words, replies: "We eat what we can, and what we can't, we can."
The British man thought this was most clever. When we gets home, he has to tell the story to his best friend, Nigel. "...so I asked the gentleman what he did with the extra food," he says, almost cracking up laughing.
"And Nigel, he said... forgive me, it's just so humorous, such a clever play on words, he said, 'We consume that which we are able, and that which we are not able, we put into tins!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqdosq/a_british_man_visits_a_small_american_family_farm/
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If you’ve never played darts blindfolded...

you don’t know what you’re missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqddwh/if_youve_never_played_darts_blindfolded/
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I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqddkz/i_have_an_idea_for_a_chain_of_elvis_steak_houses/
%
I have a phobia of German Sausage.

Yes, I fear the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqddb2/i_have_a_phobia_of_german_sausage/
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If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U

Cuz you’re blocking the TV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqd4hm/if_i_could_rearrange_the_alphabet_id_move_u/
%
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqczv0/i_used_to_sell_security_alarms_door_to_door_and_i/
%
Why is the birthrate in Canada declining?

Because Canadian's are eh-sexual eh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqcu6g/why_is_the_birthrate_in_canada_declining/
%
To my surprise, my girlfriend had some anal bleaching done.

All I asked was for her to change her ringtone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqcm9s/to_my_surprise_my_girlfriend_had_some_anal/
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What is the equivalent of being a model at Instagram?

Being a millionaire in Monopoly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqck5e/what_is_the_equivalent_of_being_a_model_at/
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Showers are so horny.

They get turned on by every naked person they see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqcjfp/showers_are_so_horny/
%
Does my alien girlfriend from area 51 have a Penis?

Something inside me says yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqcebu/does_my_alien_girlfriend_from_area_51_have_a_penis/
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A guy walks into a bar...

And he’s got a tiny head, completely disproportionate to his muscled body. One of the bar patrons goes up to him and asks, “So um... how’d that happen?” The man gulps down his drink and sighs. He’s recounted this story before.
“So I met this fairy by the lake. And she was absolutely beautiful. We got to talking and she said ‘You’ve been so nice to me, I’d like to grant you any three wishes you’d like.’
So I thought for a bit and for my first wish I asked to be completely jacked. Then poof. I had muscles big enough to lift a tree. For my second wish, I asked for all the money in the world. Poof. My bank account was overflowing. ‘What would you like for your third wish?’ she asked, batting her long lashes at me. I blushed and bashfully asked, ‘Well uh... how about a little head?’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqcbuk/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Hiroshima



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqc7b8/hiroshima/
%
I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact she wasn't bad at all! I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I'd ever had a "Sportsmans Double". "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome" she replied.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't". We drank a bit more and she said with a wink "tonight's your lucky night!".
We went back back to her place. We walked in  and she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mom, you still awake?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqc13r/i_met_an_older_woman_at_a_bar_last_night/
%
I got mugged by six dwarves last night...

Not Happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqc111/i_got_mugged_by_six_dwarves_last_night/
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I wonder if my mom still remembers how to slap me into next week

I could use my paycheck early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqc0u3/i_wonder_if_my_mom_still_remembers_how_to_slap_me/
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High I.Q joke

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have H2O please”. The second chemist says “I’ll have water too”. The first chemist scowls, his assassination attempt failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqc0bi/high_iq_joke/
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How did Forrest Gump’s horse order his favorite drink at the bar?

Gin—NEIGHHHH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqblnp/how_did_forrest_gumps_horse_order_his_favorite/
%
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqbf5a/today_my_son_asked_can_i_have_a_book_mark_and_i/
%
I stole a revolver made out of gelatine.

Once the cops found me I was charged for carrying a congealed weapon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqb90f/i_stole_a_revolver_made_out_of_gelatine/
%
I miss the good ol days...

When we used to parade our president in a convertible.
Just. Fucking. Kidding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqb4m1/i_miss_the_good_ol_days/
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A depressed doctor

A doctor was heavily depressed, he heard 2 voices in his head constantly
the first voice was nice and tried to help him, it said things like "so what if you had sex with your patient", "it is not the end of the world for you", "lot of doctors have done that, it is not a big deal it happens constantly"
the second voice was not that nice and helpful it was repeating only one thing "you are a vet", "you are a vet"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqb3bl/a_depressed_doctor/
%
What did the ocean say to the other ocean

Nothing they just waved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqb2gl/what_did_the_ocean_say_to_the_other_ocean/
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I like to help people find things...

by pointing out that it’s got to be around here somewhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqay67/i_like_to_help_people_find_things/
%
Where do dentists move to when they retire?

Fluorida

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqax9o/where_do_dentists_move_to_when_they_retire/
%
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes

So when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqaw3d/before_you_criticize_someone_walk_a_mile_in_their/
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The sex system

A married couple wanted it to be less embarrassing to ask each other for sex when one or the other does not want to do it. So they worked out a system. The wife says "Ok if you wanna have sex reach over and tug my breast one time, if you don't, tug two times." The husband says "Ok then, same for me, if u wanna have sex reach over and tug my penis one time, if not just reach over and tug my penis 276 times"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqaufe/the_sex_system/
%
The teacher noticed that a girl was falling asleep in Sunday school

She knew the girl wasn't paying attention so she asked her, "Who created the world and everything in it?" The boy sitting behind her poked her with his pencil, hard. She screamed, "Oh, God!" and she got that question right. The teacher could swear she wasn't paying attention so she decided to ask the girl another one. "Who died in the cross to save all of humanity?" she asked. The boy poked her again. "Jesus Christ!" she exclaimed. The teacher was getting confused. She could see the girl's eyes were closed and was clearly trying to get some sleep. The teacher decided to ask a more difficult question that they had learned that day. "What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 16th child?" The boy poked her and the girl screamed, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I will pull it out and snap it in half!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqatu9/the_teacher_noticed_that_a_girl_was_falling/
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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.

As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to see a seven-foot tall grizzly bear charging right at him! He ran back up the path, with the bear close behind. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run faster. he looked over his shoulder as the bear closed in. He suddenly tripped and fell to the floor.
He rolled over to pick himself up, but he saw the bear, right on top of him, raising his paw above him to strike. At that instant, the atheist, without thinking, cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped. The bear was frozen in place. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. All of a sudden, a bright light shined down from heaven. A voice thundered, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you now? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist thought for a second, then answered. "It would be hypocritical of me to proclaim myself as a believer after all these years; but, perhaps you could spare my life by making the bear a believer in your laws.
"very well", said the voice. "I'll try".
The light vanished. The river started moving again. And then the bear put his paws together, bowed his head, and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful. Amen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqan33/an_atheist_was_taking_a_walk_through_the_woods/
%
New mower!

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.  "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.  "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.  After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"  The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."  The preacher took the mower and began to crank it.  He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.  The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."  The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."  The preacher said, I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."  The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqakdf/new_mower/
%
A drunk driver is dangerous, everyone knows that.

But so is a drunk back seat driver, if he's persuasive.
"Dude make a left!"
"Those are trees..."
"Trust me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqai5k/a_drunk_driver_is_dangerous_everyone_knows_that/
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Tonto and the Lone Ranger are riding their horses across the prairie...

Tonto begins to slow his horse and eventually comes to a complete stop.
Lone Ranger: “What is it Tonto?”
Tonto gets down from his horse and puts his ear to the ground.
Tonto: “Buffalo come.”
Lone Ranger: “Wow, how do you know that?”
Tonto: *rubs the side of his face* “Sticky.”
(Sorry for the format, on mobile!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqafmz/tonto_and_the_lone_ranger_are_riding_their_horses/
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(original joke) What do you call a man who doesn't want to be seen?

A Paultergeist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqadpe/original_joke_what_do_you_call_a_man_who_doesnt/
%
Why did the bike fall over?

Because it was two tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqabww/why_did_the_bike_fall_over/
%
The greatest devastation from the Cold War ...

is that most Americans believe it was an actual war.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cqa72j/the_greatest_devastation_from_the_cold_war/
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BREAKING : Prison guard responsible for watching Jeffrey Epstein killed in tragic house fire

Time of death was 11:26am, tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq9vu0/breaking_prison_guard_responsible_for_watching/
%
What’s does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.
Thank you for the silver anon person!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq9v0o/whats_does_donald_trumps_hair_and_a_thong_have_in/
%
If magicians can't reveal their secrets, how do we get new magicians?

By magic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq9s93/if_magicians_cant_reveal_their_secrets_how_do_we/
%
Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything thats not 25% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq9r1v/why_do_jewish_men_get_circumcised/
%
I’m reading a book about anti gravity

It’s impossible to put it down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq9qqd/im_reading_a_book_about_anti_gravity/
%
What do you call the wife of a hippie?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq9qee/what_do_you_call_the_wife_of_a_hippie/
%
What do you get when you play "Born in the USA" backwards ?

Back in the USSR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq9nec/what_do_you_get_when_you_play_born_in_the_usa/
%
I think it's funny that "forgive me father, for I have sinned" and "sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" don't mean the same thing at all

But somehow both lead to sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq9fu3/i_think_its_funny_that_forgive_me_father_for_i/
%
Vodka isn’t always the answer

But it’s worth a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq9b07/vodka_isnt_always_the_answer/
%
I'm always shocked when people call me condescending.

Because that's a very big word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq9ank/im_always_shocked_when_people_call_me/
%
My new girl friend is a porn star

She would probably kill me if she found out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq9a4t/my_new_girl_friend_is_a_porn_star/
%
I was going to make a joke about a defective bomb.

But it probably won't blow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq95xn/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_a_defective_bomb/
%
What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq94qk/what_is_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq91yy/if_jesus_was_real_they_wouldnt_call_it_the/
%
Three old women were sitting on a park bench.

Suddenly, a flasher jumps out of the bushes right in front of them and whips open his trenchcoat!
The first old woman takes one look and has a stroke.
The second old woman takes one look and has a stroke.
The third old woman takes one look but her arms were too short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq8ytl/three_old_women_were_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
My Xbox, PS4 and Switch all broke on the same day.

I'm inconsolable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq8ufk/my_xbox_ps4_and_switch_all_broke_on_the_same_day/
%
A father and son were at the park

The son saw two dogs in top of each other. The son asked his father what they were doing and said "that's how puppys are made".
The next day at home the son walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad on top of his mum. He stops for a sec and askes what they are doing and his dad said "this is how babies are made". The son replys "well can you flip her over I want a puppy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq8tit/a_father_and_son_were_at_the_park/
%
For a lion to become a cannibal

He must first swallow his pride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq8ny6/for_a_lion_to_become_a_cannibal/
%
My ex got into a bad accident recently.

I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq8n91/my_ex_got_into_a_bad_accident_recently/
%
How do I know China has Free Speech?

No one says otherwise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq8mtm/how_do_i_know_china_has_free_speech/
%
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home in Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things really strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq8fma/i_proposed_my_russian_girlfriend_and_she_said_yes/
%
Woodfired Pizza?

How's pizza gonna get a job now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq8evy/woodfired_pizza/
%
If you ever wonder what kind of music windmills like

I can guarantee you that they are huge metal fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq8e7b/if_you_ever_wonder_what_kind_of_music_windmills/
%
What do we want?

An end to irritating questions.
When do--
Now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq8czl/what_do_we_want/
%
If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq8cgw/if_you_were_8_years_old_when_red_red_wine_was/
%
If life gives you lemons make lemonade...

If life gives you melons your dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq8av7/if_life_gives_you_lemons_make_lemonade/
%
My friend was grieving the loss of her pet cat so I decided to give her a cat exactly the same as hers

Instead of thanking me, she just screamed in my face “what the fuck am i supposed to do with 2 dead cats!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq89tn/my_friend_was_grieving_the_loss_of_her_pet_cat_so/
%
An old man in Louisiana had owned a farm for several years...

He had a large pond in the back, perfectly suited for swimming. He fixed up the pond nicely, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.
One evening, the ole farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to gather some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He coughed to let the women know he was there and they all swam down to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "Ladies, I didn't come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond.", and they all let out a sigh of relief.
Holding the bucket up he said, "I came down here to feed the alligator!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq7z9x/an_old_man_in_louisiana_had_owned_a_farm_for/
%
Which stormtroopers did Vader hate most?

Sandtroopers.  They're coarse and rough and irritating and they get everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq7vso/which_stormtroopers_did_vader_hate_most/
%
A polar bear walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer

The barman says $18 please.
The polar bear pays and takes a seat.
Bemused, the barman approaches and says "this is exciting - we don't get many polar bears in here!", to which the polar bear replies: "I'm not surprised with beer at $18 a pint."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq7sq0/a_polar_bear_walks_into_a_pub_and_orders_a_pint/
%
I asked my friend what he thought of EA’s micro transaction policy,

he said he didn’t buy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq7onc/i_asked_my_friend_what_he_thought_of_eas_micro/
%
There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq7icd/theres_a_new_mens_birth_control_pill_thats_about/
%
The Tale Of The Two Ravens

Once upon a time there was a raven sitting on a nice, solid branch of a big oak, allowing the bird to have a great view over the fields beneath him. The raven didn't do much, he was simply sitting on his ass. After some time another raven spotted the solid branch and the first raven and decided to sit directly beside him. The second raven asked the first raven:
"Hey pal, what are you up to?"
"Nothing", the first raven answered, "I am just sitting on my ass."
The second raven was seemingly impressed by the beauty of his new friends' words and answered: "What a great idea, let me join you!"
After some time a little rabbit came across the big oak, when he suddenly realized two ravens sitting on their asses on a solid branch.
"What are you guys doing?", the rabbit asked.
"Not much, we are just sitting on our asses", the ravens answered.
The rabbit also liked the idea and looked for a shady, but cosy spot beneath the big oak.
Time passed and a fox came by. Firstly, he wanted to attack the rabbit, but then he realised that the rabbit was not alone: There were to ravens unmistakably sitting their asses on this solid branch and also the rabbit didn't seem to do any more.
"What are you three guys doing there?"
"Hardly anything, we are just sitting our asses", the three animals answered, and the fox joined the rabbit beneath the tree.
The four animals spent several hours in this position, living in peace and perfect harmony.
Suddenly, out of thin air, a really loud explosion was hearable, followed by a second.
The rabbit was smashed against the oak because of the power of the gun the hunter has used. But also the fox was dead immediatly after the missile has hit his head trough his right eye.
One of the ravens leaned towards the other "See, sitting on one's ass is only possible in a higher position."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq7hzd/the_tale_of_the_two_ravens/
%
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq7axe/two_thai_girls_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_sleep_with/
%
Me in Heaven: Damn this place nice as hell

God: Nice as what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq78mg/me_in_heaven_damn_this_place_nice_as_hell/
%
What did the German snake say?

"ßßßßßßß..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq780o/what_did_the_german_snake_say/
%
Which country’s capital is the one with the fastest growing population?

Ireland , every day it’s Dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq74sa/which_countrys_capital_is_the_one_with_the/
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What’s a skeleton’s favourite instrument?

If you were thinking a tromBONE you were wrong - they have no lungs! Obviously it’s a xyloBONE!
(Probably a really crappy joke but I came up with it last night and thought to post it here)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq71sw/whats_a_skeletons_favourite_instrument/
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The Crude Pianist.

A pianist scored an interview at a local restaurant. He is sent to the manager and is asked to play a few songs from memory.
The pianist says - “this is one of my favourites. It’s called ‘I Was Fucking Your Dog But It Bit My Penis So Now My Balls Hurt’”.
The manager, appalled, says - “how dare you suggest such a title, this is a prestigious restaurant and I won’t hav-“.
“No believe me sir, you will adore this one”. The pianist went on to play the most energetic and whimsical jazz solo the manager had ever heard.
Obviously, the manager was stunned. “That was actually rather brilliant, do you however happen to know any quieter tracks?”.
“Yes of course, here’s one known as “I Was Batting Off to a Photo of Your Daughter But My Wife Walked In So Now She’s Divorced M-“
“Excuse me please but such things cannot be said in this restaurant, how dar-“
“No sir, believe me, it’s a fantastic track, I’m sure you and all of your patrons will love it”.
Waved on, the pianist begins to play the most beautiful, slow, and solemn ballad the manager has ever heard in his life. “That was quite something. Is there any chance you know any blues?”
Without a word the pianist started tapping away, perfect timing, perfect progressions, perfect everything. It was a stunning blues performance.
The manager, stunned almost beyond words, fathomed, “Amazing! What was that one called?”
“‘As Your Father Gave Me a Colonoscopy I Accidentally Jizzed All Over The Operating Table’”.
The manager flinched, and after a moment proposed - “You really are incredibly good, if I was to hire you could you refrain from sharing your song titles with any of our diners?"
"Absolutely". And the pianist was hired on the spot.
A couple of months go by, and the pianist has been doing very well so far, and hasn't opened his mouth once about his song titles, even when asked. One night, however, the pianist is playing away on a particularly busy evening, and has been bursting at the seams of his bladder since he first sat down. During a quick one minute speech from the owner, the pianist decides to take the opportunity to sprint to the bathroom and relieve himself. Halfway through his toilet visit, he hears his boss from the bar - "where's that fucking pianist?"
Without properly preparing himself, the pianist runs out of the bathroom, cock out and all, and sits back down and starts playing away. After his next song concluded, one of the patrons walks over and asks - "Do you know your cock is hanging out and dripping piss all over the floor?".
The pianist replies - "Know it? I wrote it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq6zbc/the_crude_pianist/
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Why don't Flat Earthers care if they're having a bad day?

They're always on top of the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq6tvx/why_dont_flat_earthers_care_if_theyre_having_a/
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At the therapist's room

Me: I'm afraid of random letters
Therapist: Oh I see
Me: *screams*
Therapist: are you okay?
Me: *screaming intensifies*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq6o8p/at_the_therapists_room/
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There was a kidnapping at school today...

It’s ok, he woke up when the bell went

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq6mxx/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_school_today/
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My three year old daughter asked me, “Where does poo come from?”

I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq6may/my_three_year_old_daughter_asked_me_where_does/
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What is shit and got 9 arms?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq6iup/what_is_shit_and_got_9_arms/
%
A blonde and a brunette are watching the news.

The newscaster says that two Brazilian civilians were rescued from terrorists the night prior.
The brunette says, “what wonderful news!”
The blonde disagrees: “I don’t know where they expect to move them to - do you have any idea how many a brazillion is??”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq69sl/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_watching_the_news/
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I went to the doctor fearing I might be losing my hearing.

Good news!  The doctor didn't have anything bad to say.
He didn't have anything good to say either.
Come to think of it, he didn't have anything to say at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq656u/i_went_to_the_doctor_fearing_i_might_be_losing_my/
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I was in the pub when a guy called me a cheapskate.

So I threw his drink in his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq62ur/i_was_in_the_pub_when_a_guy_called_me_a_cheapskate/
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What is the difference between a feminist and a landmine?

When a landmine is triggered it actually accomplishes something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq5y5o/what_is_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq5xgd/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
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"I'll take 'Hordes' for $1000, Alex.

"It's 'Whores.' "
"Who are the Kardashians?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq5ttg/ill_take_hordes_for_1000_alex/
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What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq5s3y/what_room_do_ghosts_avoid/
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BMW thinks of everything

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are dose? asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.
“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq5pxy/bmw_thinks_of_everything/
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I know all there is to know about heterosexuals

Straight facts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq5l4o/i_know_all_there_is_to_know_about_heterosexuals/
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There once was a king named Lee.

He ruled the lands by the letter of the law, granting him the title, “Lee the Absolute.” He was such a fair ruler that the history books revered him as the most accomplished, making him
Absolute Lee the Best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq5hzo/there_once_was_a_king_named_lee/
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If your boat gets sick, I know a great dock.

It's pier-reviewed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq5f1l/if_your_boat_gets_sick_i_know_a_great_dock/
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What's black, white and red all over?

The slowest zebra in a herd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq5eoh/whats_black_white_and_red_all_over/
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Why did the horses get a divorce?

Their relationship wasn't very stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq58sa/why_did_the_horses_get_a_divorce/
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What do you call a party with no white people?

Crackalackin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq560s/what_do_you_call_a_party_with_no_white_people/
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How does the German baker like to greet people?

Gluten tag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq548y/how_does_the_german_baker_like_to_greet_people/
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What can the dyslexic agnostic not stop thinking about?

If dogs exist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq4y0b/what_can_the_dyslexic_agnostic_not_stop_thinking/
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What does an EMT look for in a girl?

A pulse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq4jmc/what_does_an_emt_look_for_in_a_girl/
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Two hillbillys are sitting on the porch in rocking chairs.

The 1st hillbilly says "I'M BORED'....
So the second hillbilly says.. "I'll tell you whut....I'm gonna think of something... but I'm not gonna tell you what I'm thinkin...and then you get to ask me Three questions... then after three questions....you gotta guess what I'm thinkin'...."
First hillbilly says, "3 questions?"
Second hillbilly says "thats right three questions... " then he thinks of his secret thing.. and he decides it's going to be Donky Dick....
So the first hillbilly scratches his head and says "can you lick it?"
Second hillbilly thinks about that for a bit and says "you could.. but it'd taste real bad!!"
So the first hillbilly says "... is it Donkey Dick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq4ba8/two_hillbillys_are_sitting_on_the_porch_in/
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What’s the number one sexually transmitted disease among wizardry students?

Hog warts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq499t/whats_the_number_one_sexually_transmitted_disease/
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Did you know

Theres a fine line between the numerator and the denominator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq46uh/did_you_know/
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I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq40cr/i_once_knew_a_guy_arrested_on_drug_charges_and/
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My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year...

...and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq3owj/my_girlfriend_and_i_had_been_dating_for_over_a/
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An man with testicle problems wants to have a kid with his wife, but isn't sure if he can.

He goes to the doctor and tells the doctor his problem. The doctor gives him a small container and tells him to get some semen in it.
"Well, how do in so that?"
"Just get aroused and ejaculate into the container."
So the man goes home. The next week, he comes back.
"Doctor, there was a small problem."
"You couldn't get semen in the container?"
"Yes. First I tried, then my wife tried, then my neighbor tri-"
"Wait, what? Your neighbor tried?"
"Yes, but no matter how hard anyone tried, the container just wouldn't open!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq3kys/an_man_with_testicle_problems_wants_to_have_a_kid/
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One company owner asks another: “Hey Bill how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq3jfb/one_company_owner_asks_another_hey_bill_how_come/
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Two men went to the barbers for a shave......

They were both almost done when the barber reached for the aftershave when the first man said “Don't put that shit on me‚ my wife will think I've been in a whore house.” The other man then turned to his barber and said “ you can put it on me ‚ my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore house smells like.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq3a4z/two_men_went_to_the_barbers_for_a_shave/
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How does a Jewish man make coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq33sa/how_does_a_jewish_man_make_coffee/
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Four affluent fathers meet for a yearly round of golf.

Four affluent fathers meet up for their yearly golf match with each other. As fathers tend to do, they all start bragging about their children. The first father brags, "my son is a successful real estate agent! He's so successful, he gave a beautiful house to one of his friends for free!"
The second father scoffs. "That's nothing. My son is the most successful car salesman in the state, he recently gave a friend a Jaguar for free!"
The third father rolls his eyes. "Well, my son is a successful businessman. He's so successful, he recently gave a friend a portfolio that's worth millions of dollars!"
The first three fathers notice the fourth father hasn't said anything yet. "What's wrong?" They ask him.
"Well," the fourth father says, "my son recently came out to us as gay." The first three fathers begin to offer their condolences before the fourth father cuts them off. "It's actually pretty great. His last three boyfriends have given him a beautiful new home, a brand new Jaguar, and millions of dollars in stocks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq33c7/four_affluent_fathers_meet_for_a_yearly_round_of/
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The vault door exploded after the bank robber rigged it with explosives.

The bank robber exclaimed, "Wow. Thanks for the gold. I can't believe this actually blew up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq30rv/the_vault_door_exploded_after_the_bank_robber/
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Had my wallet stolen by a red piece of fruit

It's was a real strobbery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq2ypi/had_my_wallet_stolen_by_a_red_piece_of_fruit/
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My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq2y1d/my_friend_ty_came_in_first_in_the_beijing/
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It’s ok if you don’t know what “prefix” means.

I mean— it’s not the end of the word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq2whr/its_ok_if_you_dont_know_what_prefix_means/
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What were Jeffrey Epstein's last words?

But I dont want to commit suicide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq2vo7/what_were_jeffrey_epsteins_last_words/
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Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq2vec/why_did_the_mexican_throw_his_wife_off_a_cliff/
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How would the world look if it were ruled by the Danish?

It would be a Pastryarchal Society

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq2un7/how_would_the_world_look_if_it_were_ruled_by_the/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq2ppc/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
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God called on the Pope, Donald Trump, and Bill Gates, and told them,

"I called you together to let you know that I am tired of all the bickering, hate and violence in the world. You have 30 days to get things in order, then I am going to end the world. "
The Pope woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some good news. The good news is that we were right all along, God exists. The other good news is that we'll be going to heaven in 30 days."
Donald Trump woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that God is on our side. The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days."
Bill Gates woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some great news. The good news is that God thinks I'm as important as the President and the Pope. The great news is that Apple will be out of buisiness in 30 days!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq2cre/god_called_on_the_pope_donald_trump_and_bill/
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Everyone at the restaurant we were dining at were disgusted when they found out I was 45 and my wife was 20...

It completely ruined our ten year anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq2cl8/everyone_at_the_restaurant_we_were_dining_at_were/
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My wife just asked me if she looked fat..

This literally just happened...
My wife asked me if she looked fat after eating the biggest meal of our lives.
I said "no honey, you look great".
She said "Well you have to say that. If you didn't, I would have to kill you"
Apparently "I'd like to see your fat ass try" was not the correct response.
Guess who's sleeping on the couch tonight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq2auz/my_wife_just_asked_me_if_she_looked_fat/
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There are 2 types of people in the world

1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq27fc/there_are_2_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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Scientists in NY have made a major breakthrough with curing the Epstein-Barr virus.

New research suggests that half of the problem might go away on its own if you leave it alone in its jail cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq27ct/scientists_in_ny_have_made_a_major_breakthrough/
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I tell Dad jokes

Sometimes he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq26tm/i_tell_dad_jokes/
%
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job?

She couldn't control her pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq23sz/did_you_hear_about_the_crosseyed_teacher_who_lost/
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I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq1x4e/i_asked_a_pretty_young_homeless_woman_if_i_could/
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I’ve been saying “mucho” more often when talking to my Hispanic friends

It means a lot to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq1qqd/ive_been_saying_mucho_more_often_when_talking_to/
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A man and woman are having sex

As soon as the man climbs on top of his wife he finishes and quickly exclaims that she go make him something to eat.
His wife leaves and shortly comes back with a bowl of lettuce and a plate of carrots.
The man, obviously shocked at the "meal" asks her what the hell this is supposed to be.
She proudly tells him that
"If you're gonna fuck like a rabbit, well then dammit, you're gonna eat like a rabbit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq1p6v/a_man_and_woman_are_having_sex/
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What do you call a King with a 12 inch penis?

A Ruler!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq1n52/what_do_you_call_a_king_with_a_12_inch_penis/
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A father asked his son about his grades...

Son: They're underwater.
Father: What do you mean underwater?
Son: They're below 'C' level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq1jyf/a_father_asked_his_son_about_his_grades/
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A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre

So he gave it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq1j3e/a_woman_walks_in_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender_for/
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If you were 8 years old when "red, red wine" was released..

UB40 now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq1buz/if_you_were_8_years_old_when_red_red_wine_was/
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Had a weird dream last night, it was about the ocean but the water was soda

It was all just a Fanta Sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq1aui/had_a_weird_dream_last_night_it_was_about_the/
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What’s the worst path you can follow?

A psychopath!
(Sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq16x9/whats_the_worst_path_you_can_follow/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

>!Aye matey.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq0o9d/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80_years/
%
I couldn't find the right herb while cooking the other day. So I put oregano in instead...

I always try to make up for lost thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq0nx7/i_couldnt_find_the_right_herb_while_cooking_the/
%
Jesus would make an excellent businessman.

He was turning up prophets before he was even born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq0nbp/jesus_would_make_an_excellent_businessman/
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I managed to escape Neverland Ranch by taking refuge in a nearby Catholic Church.

Out of the flying Pan, into the friar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq0mzl/i_managed_to_escape_neverland_ranch_by_taking/
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So i asked her

My sister was crying, so I asked her if she was having a cry-sis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq0lir/so_i_asked_her/
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Doctor

According to mythology, Chiron was half horse, half-human, as well as a doctor.
He was the original Centaur for Disease Control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq0knb/doctor/
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"Tell me about life in the eighties," said my son.

"Well, I'm not quite old enough yet," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq0iyb/tell_me_about_life_in_the_eighties_said_my_son/
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Do you know what DNA stands for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq0it9/do_you_know_what_dna_stands_for/
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I recently went to get hypnosis therapy for smoking. I was under his control and everything was going great.

Until he stubbed his toe and yelled “fuck me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq0eda/i_recently_went_to_get_hypnosis_therapy_for/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq0bqt/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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Three sons

left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq0adx/three_sons/
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A Green Beret walks into a Marine bar carrying a large snapping turtle under his arm...

All of the Marines go quiet.
The Green Beret sets the snapping turtle on the bar, pulls out his dick and taunts the turtle with it until it latches on.
He lifts the turtle off the bar with his dick, swings it around in a circle, spins it around, slams it back on to the bar and gouges it's eyes out with his fingers, killing it.
He puts his dick back in his pants and turns to a stunned crowd of Marines.
"I bet none of you pussies can do that."
The crowd stays silent. A moment later, one of the Marines slowly raises his hand and says, "I.. I think I can sir, if you promise not to gouge my eyes out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq089b/a_green_beret_walks_into_a_marine_bar_carrying_a/
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I watched my first porno film last week....

I looked so much younger back then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cq06ru/i_watched_my_first_porno_film_last_week/
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I went to the Gym today. I spent 20 minutes bending, stretching and pulling...

... and when that was done my gym clothes were finally on and I could start my workout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpzxr3/i_went_to_the_gym_today_i_spent_20_minutes/
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If you ever feel that your job is pointless...

Just remember that there is someone out there in a BMW factory installing turn signals.
Credit to /u/Snorkels721 , just sharing the golden comment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpzld7/if_you_ever_feel_that_your_job_is_pointless/
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Did you hear the dull story about the Japanese policeman's hatchet?

It was an anti-crime axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpzid7/did_you_hear_the_dull_story_about_the_japanese/
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What does a german say after you show them a meme?

Danke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpzeey/what_does_a_german_say_after_you_show_them_a_meme/
%
What's the car's favourite meal?

Brake-fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpz84c/whats_the_cars_favourite_meal/
%
Seatbelts

They always fastenate me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpz28b/seatbelts/
%
A man and a woman meet in an elevator..

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpyy23/a_man_and_a_woman_meet_in_an_elevator/
%
I've done a hundred pull ups today.....

This new belt is crap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpyqrd/ive_done_a_hundred_pull_ups_today/
%
What did the vegetarian do at the club

Dropped a beet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpylsg/what_did_the_vegetarian_do_at_the_club/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpyf6b/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpydsa/twenty_years_from_now_kids_are_gonna_think_baby/
%
Did you guys hear about the kidnapping?

They woke him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpyc0u/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_kidnapping/
%
A farmer calls a carpenter to fix his fence

The carpenter asks what is the problem with the fence. The man explains that the support columns are not strong enough and that his fence keeps falling over.
The carpenter asks "What are your suport columns made of?"
The farmer replies "They are made out of cow manure."
The carpenter is now upset. He says "COW MANURE!!! I can't fix this, THIS CAN'T BE FIXED."
"Well, why not?"
"BECAUSE THIS IS A SHITPOST"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpy6wu/a_farmer_calls_a_carpenter_to_fix_his_fence/
%
Whenever I tell my friends about something I’ve done I always seem to make myself out to be gay, even though I’m not

I just can’t get my stories straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpy3t6/whenever_i_tell_my_friends_about_something_ive/
%
What's a drug dealer's favourite type of dog?

A meth lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpxz82/whats_a_drug_dealers_favourite_type_of_dog/
%
The day after violent video games became illegal...

...a school was flooded with lava in the world's first mass griefing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpxve5/the_day_after_violent_video_games_became_illegal/
%
I tried eating a clock the other day.

It was really time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpxqwb/i_tried_eating_a_clock_the_other_day/
%
I went to a cannibal's house for dinner. His manners were like nobody else's.

He was *encouraging* me to put my feet up on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpxg91/i_went_to_a_cannibals_house_for_dinner_his/
%
“Boss, I have a problem..”

Boss: There are no such things as problems. There are only opportunities.
Man: Ok. I have a serious drinking opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpx3se/boss_i_have_a_problem/
%
I think I've found the local drug dealer.

He's always standing around with these big sunglasses on.
I just feel sorry that his dog always has to witness that life too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpwwkv/i_think_ive_found_the_local_drug_dealer/
%
I like my men like I like my coffee...

Strong and alcoholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpww6v/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
I got kicked out of the library

They booted me out because I moved all of the books on trickle-down economics to the fiction section

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpwtyw/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_library/
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Cheap pastor

A cheap pastor had a church with significant need of a paint job.   The estimate calls for 100 gallons of white latex paint but he decided to buy only one 20 gallon can  he knows latex paint can be thinned with water. So he diluted 1:1 and it still coats and looks white. So he dilutes again to stretch out the paint (much like I’m doing with the joke)   So as he is painting he keeps diluting to make 20 into 100. As he finishes a dark cloud appears and a torrential rain washes all the paint away. A voice calls out “Repaint and thin no more “. ( originally told from pulpit many years ago).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpwtxb/cheap_pastor/
%
I live by 2 rules :

1: never let anyone know my next move
2:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpwr2p/i_live_by_2_rules/
%
I asked my friend from North Korea what life was like there

He said he couldn’t complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpwo8d/i_asked_my_friend_from_north_korea_what_life_was/
%
Why don't hookers fart?

They only let out little prosti-toots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpwd1p/why_dont_hookers_fart/
%
[NSFW] Why is it called morning wood

When it should be called breakfast sausage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpwbkd/nsfw_why_is_it_called_morning_wood/
%
Our school for dyslexia took a trip to an insect museum.

It wasn't quite what we expected, but our tour guide from Alabama treated us like family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpwa2h/our_school_for_dyslexia_took_a_trip_to_an_insect/
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"So, a guy walks into a bar..."

"... He ordered some whiskey... drank it and left the place."
Husband: "... That was kinda anti-climactic."
Wife: "Well... now you know how I feel about last night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpw028/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpvyma/i_love_to_pamper_my_girlfriend_after_shes_had_a/
%
Trump ran on wanting to build a wall. And I think that’s his one good idea, because walls work. It’s irrefutable.

I was in China last year. I didn’t see one Mexican.
\- Jimmy Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpvs8p/trump_ran_on_wanting_to_build_a_wall_and_i_think/
%
How many babies does it take to reshingle a roof?

Depends how thin you slice them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpvs6v/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_reshingle_a_roof/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and don't have humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpvs3s/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Three nuns were sitting on a bench in the park when a man walked past with his cock out ... two of them had a stroke

The third one couldn't reach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpvpv9/three_nuns_were_sitting_on_a_bench_in_the_park/
%
I sold my vacuum today

All it was doing was collecting dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpvnz0/i_sold_my_vacuum_today/
%
Why are American policemen so bad at night raids?

They don't know where to shoot first when everything is black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpvn5o/why_are_american_policemen_so_bad_at_night_raids/
%
Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed.
^I'm ^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpvkoz/why_did_the_picture_go_to_jail/
%
I got kicked out of the Apple store for farting

It’s not my fault they didn’t have Windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpv56r/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_apple_store_for_farting/
%
“Sir we are mining too many useless ores...”

*Hitler rubs chin*
“So mine less,” Hitler says.
*Grammar Nazi busts in*
“MINE FEWER!”
*Hitler looks up*
“Yes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpv3kh/sir_we_are_mining_too_many_useless_ores/
%
Did you hear about the massacre at the shoe factory?

100 soles were lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpv1qs/did_you_hear_about_the_massacre_at_the_shoe/
%
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpv0y0/what_did_the_blanket_say_as_it_fell_off_the_bed/
%
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i?

Your spine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpuz34/what_human_body_part_is_long_hard_bendable_most/
%
My father was a kamikaze pilot in his youth

Not a very successful one, obviously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpuycs/my_father_was_a_kamikaze_pilot_in_his_youth/
%
The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex? [...]"

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago..? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes" she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok", he says. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake..?"
"Oh Jim, you Dirty Old Devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" she replies with excitement in her voice.
A Police Officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks "I've just got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on to each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The Policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Please excuse me, but that was something. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an Electric Fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpuy3t/the_husband_leans_over_and_asks_his_wife_do_you/
%
What do you call an epileptic that got stabbed in the back?

Julius Seizure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpusim/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_that_got_stabbed_in/
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SON: -hands Dad his 50th birthday card-

DAD: You know, one would have been enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpurr0/son_hands_dad_his_50th_birthday_card/
%
Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpucus/two_women_archaeologists_are_down_in_mexico/
%
There are two types of people in this world

Those who can stay focused and finish a task, and oh, look, a butterfly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpub3e/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Where does a Sith go shopping?

To the Darth Maul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpu9vw/where_does_a_sith_go_shopping/
%
What do you call a pro gamer that tests politics simulator games?

Pro-tester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpu5yj/what_do_you_call_a_pro_gamer_that_tests_politics/
%
[NSFW] Why can’t Ms Piggy count to 70?

Once she gets to 69 she gets a little frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpu2r0/nsfw_why_cant_ms_piggy_count_to_70/
%
Why does the cashier at the grocery store always ask if you want paper or plastic?

...because baggers can't be choosers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpu12p/why_does_the_cashier_at_the_grocery_store_always/
%
Two guys walk into a bar

Third one ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpu0bw/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My IT admin says I can't use "beef stew" as a password...

He says it isn't Stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cptxwf/my_it_admin_says_i_cant_use_beef_stew_as_a/
%
You are hired at Facebook

Don't worry there is no interview. They have got your details.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cptwfs/you_are_hired_at_facebook/
%
I recently ordered a thesaurus online.

When it arrived, it was blank.  I literally have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cptum5/i_recently_ordered_a_thesaurus_online/
%
Did Jesus die a virgin?

I heard he got nailed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cptthr/did_jesus_die_a_virgin/
%
A Policeman stops an old women carrying 2 sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”
She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”
The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”
The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”
“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”
The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cptqky/a_policeman_stops_an_old_women_carrying_2_sacks/
%
If at first you don’t succeed

Maybe don’t skydive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cptk8g/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
Two Guy's sitting in a kayak

were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpt9ki/two_guys_sitting_in_a_kayak/
%
10 puns entered the annual comedy contest of their town

At the end, someone from the audience asked - so who won ?
The judge replied : No pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpt8wp/10_puns_entered_the_annual_comedy_contest_of/
%
Plastic surgery

I told my family and friends that I’m leaving my job to pursue my lifelong dream of being a plastic surgeon.
That should raise a few eyebrows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpt7lc/plastic_surgery/
%
How do you get pikachu on a bus?

You pokemon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpt7dx/how_do_you_get_pikachu_on_a_bus/
%
My new pants feel like a cheaply made castle.

They have no ballroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpt1ab/my_new_pants_feel_like_a_cheaply_made_castle/
%
If you boil the funny bone, it'll become a laughing stock

..... Now that's what i call humerus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpsx7v/if_you_boil_the_funny_bone_itll_become_a_laughing/
%
An old man goes to his doctor...

“Doctor, I shit every day at 8 AM”
“That’s good, what is the problem?”
“I get up at 9”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpssyh/an_old_man_goes_to_his_doctor/
%
Me: Hey I got a great knock knock joke but you have to start it off

Them: ok, knock knock
Me: Who's there!
Them: *confused silence*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpsrqi/me_hey_i_got_a_great_knock_knock_joke_but_you/
%
What's the difference between a neurologist and an urologist?

Nothing if you are a dick head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpsq3j/whats_the_difference_between_a_neurologist_and_an/
%
In Texas they don't 69, they 70

Cos everything's bigger in Texas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpsq24/in_texas_they_dont_69_they_70/
%
A kid is lying in a hospital bed

His dad comes to his bedside to see him
"Hey. I've spoke to the doctors, I've got some good news and some bad news for you, what do you want first?"
Nervously, he says back to him "uhh, good news first please"
"You're going to get to meet the avengers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpspju/a_kid_is_lying_in_a_hospital_bed/
%
The difference between men and women is that men insult each other, but don't really mean it…

…and women compliment each other, but don't really mean it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpspiz/the_difference_between_men_and_women_is_that_men/
%
Remember guys; if you are getting a blowjob in the car

A true Gentleman turns on the Dome Light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpslsx/remember_guys_if_you_are_getting_a_blowjob_in_the/
%
What do you call a slut who loves smoking weed?

A herbiwhore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpsl15/what_do_you_call_a_slut_who_loves_smoking_weed/
%
I used to be shallow and only go for 8's and 9's

But then my friend told me they should at least be 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpsj2f/i_used_to_be_shallow_and_only_go_for_8s_and_9s/
%
I always knock on the fridge door before I open it.

Just in case there’s a salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpsgij/i_always_knock_on_the_fridge_door_before_i_open_it/
%
Husband asks his wife

When I get mad, you remain calm and don't react.
How do you maintain your self control?
Wife: I just go and clean the toilet
husband : How does that help
W: I use your tooth brush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpsbiz/husband_asks_his_wife/
%
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night

when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you?" asked Trump "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump. The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpsatn/president_donald_trump_and_his_driver_were/
%
My mom is a sunni, my dad is a shia

I'm sushi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpsa9q/my_mom_is_a_sunni_my_dad_is_a_shia/
%
Have you read the article about broken pencils?

I hope not, the reviewers said it’s pointless and lead on for too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cps4nb/have_you_read_the_article_about_broken_pencils/
%
Horny hobo goes to a sex hotel

So an old poor man, David, walked in to a sex hotel and asked the receptionist what action he could get for 5 dollars to which the receptionist replied ''Go to room 54''.
The man went up the stairs and at the end of the hallway was room 54, he walked in and saw a really old lady. He thought to himself ''Well.. Nobody's going to see me so fuck it'' and got on with it.
The next day he came back to the sex hotel and asked the receptionist what kind of action he could get for 3 dollars to which she replied ''Go to room 67''. He went to room 67 and in there was an older a bit larger man, doubtful he went in and then got on with it cause once again he thought ''well.. fuck it nobody's going to know''.
The next day he came back once again, only this time he just had a dollar. So he asked the receptionist as usual and she replied ''Go to room 7''. He went to room 7 and inside was a pig. David got a bit disgusted but said ''Fuck it, nobody's ever gonna know''.
By the end of the week the poor old David came back to the sex hotel, completely broke and asked the receptionist if there was anything for free, at this point anything would do!
The receptionist pointed to a really long queue and told him to wait there so he did. After what felt like an eternety it was finally Davids turn, he saw a little peek hole and peeked in. It was two women having sex with each other. David was so pleasantly surprised that he told the guy behind him ''Hey dude, this is pretty great for being completely free!'' to which he replied ''Yeah dude you're lucky, yesterday a man was fucking a pig! Gross..''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cps48l/horny_hobo_goes_to_a_sex_hotel/
%
what do you call a vocabulary obsession?

Addictionary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cprz15/what_do_you_call_a_vocabulary_obsession/
%
Did you hear the story about the 3 holes in the ground?

Well, well, well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cprwu5/did_you_hear_the_story_about_the_3_holes_in_the/
%
Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cprwt0/give_a_man_a_gun_and_he_will_rob_a_bank/
%
I’ve started a business selling toilet paper and it’s going really well.

I’m on a roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cprqxd/ive_started_a_business_selling_toilet_paper_and/
%
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cprkza/my_wife_walked_out_on_me_after_i_blew_our_life/
%
What is yellow and turns red when you push the button?

Duckling in a blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cprhl6/what_is_yellow_and_turns_red_when_you_push_the/
%
My wife gets really upset with me for hiding kitchen utensils

...but that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cprd26/my_wife_gets_really_upset_with_me_for_hiding/
%
Man comes for a lumberjack's recruitment interview

Recruiter: Do you have any experience as a lumberjack sir?
Man: Yes, I used to work in the desert.
Recruiter: But there are no trees in the desert!
Man: There are no trees... anymore, sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cprbde/man_comes_for_a_lumberjacks_recruitment_interview/
%
King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.
"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover.  Watch this!"
The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chastity belt with a hole cut through the fabric over the vagina.  In the hole of the fabric was an invisible, razor-sharp spring-loaded blade.  Merlin grabbed a nearby candle, stuck it into the hole, and SPROING!  The blade shot out and chopped the candle clean in half.  "Splendid!!!" said Arthur.
Arthur went out on his quest, returned a month later, and lined up all his knights in a row.  "Alright, men," he said, "Show me what you've got.  Take off your breeches."
Ashamed, they all took off their breeches and, to Arthur's astonishment, *every single one of his knights* was now a eunuch.  Gawain, Tristan, Percival -- all just had stubs now.  All except Galahad.  Galahad's cock remained full and intact.
With tears of gratitude, Arthur approached the young knight.  "Ah, Galahad!!!  Galahad the Pure!!!  Let it be known that you are now the heir to my entire kingdom, to Excalibur, and to all that I have!  Tell me, oh brave spirit, how were you able to resist temptation where all others had failed?"
Galahad cleared his throat and said, "Well, it wathn't eathy..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpr3zu/king_arthur_is_preparing_to_leave_camelot_on_a/
%
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

can't opener!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpqy6w/what_do_you_call_a_can_opener_that_doesnt_work/
%
Two monkeys were about to get in a bath. One dipped its toe in and said "oo oo ah ah".

The other said "Jesus Gerald, if it's that hot run the cold tap for a few minutes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpqvp4/two_monkeys_were_about_to_get_in_a_bath_one/
%
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons

. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpqjc0/mr_and_mrs_brown_had_two_sons/
%
Last night my girlfriend asked me for sex but I had to disappoint her.

We had sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpqhqd/last_night_my_girlfriend_asked_me_for_sex_but_i/
%
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch

They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies,  "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpqa8o/a_blonde_and_a_redhead_have_a_ranch/
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Santa wants to learn the subject Logic

he goes to his friend Banta, and says, this 'Logic' is really difficult for me to understand. Could you please help teach it to me.
Banta: well its really simple. let me give you an example. Do you have an aquarium in your house?
Santa: Yes
Banta: logically there must be fishes in it.
S: Yes
B: I believe someone has to take care o f them. Does your wife takes care of the fishes?
S: Yes.
B: so logically you are married.
S:Yes.
Banta carries on :
B: since you are married, logically you are a heterosexual man.
S: Yes.
B: There you go, see its not that difficult actually..
Santa gets really impressed by the logic, and thinking he understood it very well. he goes to another friend and tells him about it. The friend says "oh, logic is really hard to understand for me too, could you please explain".
Trying to show off his logic skill Santa asks his friend. "Do you have an aquarium in your house?" No. says the friend.
"you fucking homo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpq9o8/santa_wants_to_learn_the_subject_logic/
%
I bought a chameleon the other day.

Lost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpq8xi/i_bought_a_chameleon_the_other_day/
%
You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpq7qs/you_order_one_pizza_and_you_love_it_next_time_you/
%
Does anyone know of any actors that can help cure my lisp?

I’m pretty sure Anne Hathaway, but I’m going to ask Colin Firth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpq59k/does_anyone_know_of_any_actors_that_can_help_cure/
%
What do Link and Tony Stark have in common?

They're both smashing pots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpq30z/what_do_link_and_tony_stark_have_in_common/
%
*loud thud*

Mom: What was that sound?
Me: Nothing, just dropped my shirt
Mom: That's ridiculous! A shirt doesn't sound like that!
Me: *I was wearing the shirt*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpq0og/loud_thud/
%
When does Sean Connery's accent provide more information than regular English?

When he's sitting on a toilet.
(and you just read that in his voice)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cppume/when_does_sean_connerys_accent_provide_more/
%
What do you call a manager who is short?

A micro-manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cppo6k/what_do_you_call_a_manager_who_is_short/
%
Documentation !

Once a Project Manager was travelling by train.
He was traveling alone!
Some time later, a beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite seat.
Our PM was pleasantly happy!
The lady kept smiling at him!  This made PM even more happy!
Then she went and sat next to him!
PM was bubbling with joy!
She then lean towards him and whispered in his ear ” Hand over all your valuables, cash, cards, mobile phone to me
else I will shout and tell everybody that you are  harassing and misbehaving with me”
PM stared blankly at her!
He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote ” I  can not hear or speak. You write on this paper whatever you want to say”
The lady wrote everything what she said earlier and gave it to him!
PM took her note, kept it in his pocket!
He got up and told her in clear tones…”Now shout & scream!!”
MORAL OF THE STORY : *DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cppn99/documentation/
%
Studies suggest that approximately 90% of the world's population is right-handed.

On the other hand, 10% of the world's population is left-handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cppbmn/studies_suggest_that_approximately_90_of_the/
%
Trump is going to ban pre shredded cheese

He wants to make america grate again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cppax5/trump_is_going_to_ban_pre_shredded_cheese/
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If being sexy is a crime ,

Then I am a law abiding citizen .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpowpn/if_being_sexy_is_a_crime/
%
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.

Working in customer service already did that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpovek/video_games_never_made_me_angry_or_want_to_hurt/
%
Superman was flying....

Superman was flying and sees wonder woman sunbathing naked.
He says to himself: "Im super man i can fly down there, be quick and get outta there"
He proceeds to do so and as he leaves wonder woman says: "what was that"
The invisible man says:"I don't know but damn my ass hurts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpot1m/superman_was_flying/
%
I remember what I said the first time I saw my girlfriend undress...

Man, I hope this skylight holds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpoq29/i_remember_what_i_said_the_first_time_i_saw_my/
%
A man was arrested for dipping his testicles into glitter at the craft store.

It was pretty nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpoelf/a_man_was_arrested_for_dipping_his_testicles_into/
%
A skeleton walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender asks.
"A beer and a mop, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpodqn/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What happens when you take a Chinese smartphone somewhere unsafe?

...you take the Huawei to the Danger Zone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpo9ev/what_happens_when_you_take_a_chinese_smartphone/
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Samsung Note 7

There was once a man named Sam, who lived in a town named Samsville - ironic, I know.  Well, Sam was a really good singer, so good that he became famous and began touring the world.  On Sam's tour, he was singing, like any ordinary song, and then, suddenly, he sung a note so perfect it could melt hearts.  A member of the audience who happened to be a Father of a church cried out that he knew what that was; a holy note.  He explained that a holy note was extremely rare, and could only be sung by the most talented of singers.  Now that it was known that Sam was able to sing holy notes, his tours became infinitely times more popular.  As he toured the world, Sam sung holy notes 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 and then his tour was over.  After the tour, Sam decided to go back o his home town of Samsville for one last show to the people he knew and loved.  He performed the show in their local church which was oddly large, and the mayor of the town attended.  About halfway during the performance, Sam sung a note so horrible that it sounded like a cross between a loud metal fork being scraped across a dinner plate and a demon screeching.  After he sung this note, Sam burst into flames and melted to the ground in a puddle of human goo.  Everyone was so shocked, the whole church was silent.  After a moment, the mayor questioned what just happened.  The Father of the church looked at the mayor with a sad look and said, "don't you know mayor... Sam sung Note 7..."
End of joke, if you didn't get it, here's an explanation.  The phone Samsung Note 7 was notorious for bursting into flames so at the end of the joke where the Father says that Sam sung Note 7, its a joke about the phone.  I know it's less funny when I have to explain it, but to some of the people that I have told this joke to in real life, I had to explain it.  :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpo9bv/samsung_note_7/
%
What did the buttcheek say to the other buttcheek?

Together we can stop this shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpo7aw/what_did_the_buttcheek_say_to_the_other_buttcheek/
%
Sexy and I know it.... And now so do you!

Don't really want to brag too much about it, but I am so sexy that even my towel gets wet when I step out of the shower!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpo6al/sexy_and_i_know_it_and_now_so_do_you/
%
My 3 favourite things

I have 3 favourite things in the world.  Eating my family and not using commas :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpo0d5/my_3_favourite_things/
%
Who is the quirkiest fictional character?

All For One

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpnril/who_is_the_quirkiest_fictional_character/
%
Why is rabbit sex so quiet?

Cotton Balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpnp77/why_is_rabbit_sex_so_quiet/
%
How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpnohx/how_much_would_you_pay_to_watch_james_bonds/
%
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.

I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpnn8b/i_stumbled_upon_people_arguing_about_trains_in_my/
%
Had a dream the ocean was orange soda.

Turns out it was a Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpna3p/had_a_dream_the_ocean_was_orange_soda/
%
I stole my ex's wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpn9xv/i_stole_my_exs_wheelchair/
%
Why did the white lady want to talk the manager into giving her a free item?

Because Sharon is Karen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpn8l7/why_did_the_white_lady_want_to_talk_the_manager/
%
I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?
I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpn3rm/i_was_sitting_at_a_bar_last_night_and_this_asian/
%
What's better than playing with your kids?

Playing with the box they came in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpmxoy/whats_better_than_playing_with_your_kids/
%
How does Jesus cook his pizza?

On High

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpmw9q/how_does_jesus_cook_his_pizza/
%
What has 99 balls and fucks old ladies...

***Bingo***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpmvxz/what_has_99_balls_and_fucks_old_ladies/
%
What did the man ask his friend after watching 6 topless women walk by?

Well that’s seems unusual, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpmr72/what_did_the_man_ask_his_friend_after_watching_6/
%
Crappy Joke

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpmql4/crappy_joke/
%
how to get more karma on reddit

shit this isnt google

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpmi91/how_to_get_more_karma_on_reddit/
%
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpmfwt/what_do_you_do_when_youre_in_a_knife_fight_with_a/
%
My wife and I were featured on Extreme Couponing last year.

Our episode of Hoarders airs next week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpmezu/my_wife_and_i_were_featured_on_extreme_couponing/
%
Someone stole my wife's credit card

I didn't report it stolen because the thief was charging less than her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpma36/someone_stole_my_wifes_credit_card/
%
A busload of catholic schoolgirls goes over a cliff. Everybody dies.

They're lined up at the pearly gates, and St. Peter is interviewing each girl in turn.
"Have you ever been impure with a boy, Caroline?"
"Yes, sir. I *looked at* a boy's privates once."
"Well, then. Go rinse your eyes in the Holy Fountain over there. Then come on in. Welcome to heaven..."
The next girl steps up. "Have you ever been impure with a boy, Mary?"
"Yes, sir. I *touched* a boy's privates."
She's also sent over to wash her hands in holy water before entering heaven.
She's vigorously scrubbing her hands when Stephanie steps out of line and comes running over.
"Move over, Mary. I'm gonna gargle now before Jenny shoves her ass in this thing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpm6tu/a_busload_of_catholic_schoolgirls_goes_over_a/
%
What do you call intelligent people in the US?

Foreigners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpm693/what_do_you_call_intelligent_people_in_the_us/
%
A man was hospitalized for a permanent erection

The positive side is now he’s up for anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpm5ve/a_man_was_hospitalized_for_a_permanent_erection/
%
I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler.

He lost my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpm376/i_hired_a_specialist_aviation_lawyer_to_deal_with/
%
What does an 80 year old pirate say?

Aye matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cplpeq/what_does_an_80_year_old_pirate_say/
%
An old lady goes to the doctor.

She mentions that no matter what, when she farts, they are always silent and don't smell.
To illustrate her point she lets one go.
Old lady: see doctor it was silent and I don't smell anything.
Doctor: I see, I am going to give you a prescription, then I want you to come back in a week and see how you are progressing.
One week later the old lady comes back.
Old lady: I don't know what you gave me doc, but now my farts smell horrible!
Doctor: great! Now that we fixed your sinuses, we can work on your hearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cplf3m/an_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What do you call a number to the power of chickens?

An eggs-ponent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpldl7/what_do_you_call_a_number_to_the_power_of_chickens/
%
Every birthday I get an erotic cake that resembles a woman's breasts....

That way I can have my cake and eat tit, too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpld3k/every_birthday_i_get_an_erotic_cake_that/
%
With all of the shows such as Black-ish, Mixed-ish, and Grown-ish, TV executives have announced a new show about the people of an island in the North Atlantic.

They are going to call it Ir-ish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cplcz5/with_all_of_the_shows_such_as_blackish_mixedish/
%
My wife put up with my culinary experiments until I put ginger in the curry

She loved that cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cplcdi/my_wife_put_up_with_my_culinary_experiments_until/
%
I often say to myself…

I can't believe that cloning machine worked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cplc90/i_often_say_to_myself/
%
Why did the duck go to rehab?

He was addicted to quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpl85j/why_did_the_duck_go_to_rehab/
%
I felt pretty sick after drinking milk with cream.

My stomach was churning for a while, but now I’m finally feeling butter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpl4qe/i_felt_pretty_sick_after_drinking_milk_with_cream/
%
My ex misses me...

But her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpl3po/my_ex_misses_me/
%
What's the difference between a lobster with big boobs and a dirty bus stop?

One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpl3o9/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with_big/
%
Doctor: we have to remove your colon

Me why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpl1zf/doctor_we_have_to_remove_your_colon/
%
My GF wanted to try anal.

So my GF said she wanted to try anal.  I told her that I was happy with what we were doing already.  However, she insisted she wanted to spice things up, so I figured I would give it a try.
Unfortunately, after going at it for a while she started to feel some pain and we had to stop.  I figured that was the end of it.
However, the next night she tells me she went to the sex store and they provided her with this special lubricant that is supposed to stop the pain for her, so she wants to try it again.
The lube totally worked.  The strap-on no longer chafes her pelvis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpl0m5/my_gf_wanted_to_try_anal/
%
If you like men and women and are single

I guess you are bi-yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpkzvn/if_you_like_men_and_women_and_are_single/
%
When arguing with one's wife, it's best to have a default answer ready.

"Default is mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpkz7r/when_arguing_with_ones_wife_its_best_to_have_a/
%
The Pacific island demigod Chee-sah...

The Pacific island demigod Chee-sah was always depicted in wooden carvings with nothing on from the waist down (except sandals), much to the distress of Christian missionaries who served there. Their urging of the locals to cover the statute’s lower half devolved into piteous begging as they tried to downplay the change they so earnestly desired: “All we are saying is give Chee-sah pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpkyva/the_pacific_island_demigod_cheesah/
%
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"...

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpkyg5/my_friend_says_to_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
A man is walking down an alleyway...

A man is walking down an alleyway when he encounters a lamp, he rubs it with caution and out pops a genie, who is dressed like a Douchebag. "I will grant you three wishes, however, whatever you wish for, your ex - wife gets double". The man thinks for a bit then replies with "1 Million dollars, please", The genie responds with "OK, but just note, that your ex - wife has just received 2 million dollars, she's got Double your wealth now". The man is slightly infuriated by this, however says his second wish, "I want a massive mansion", the genie, with a smug grin, replies, "OK, sure, take 3 lefts down the next street and you'll be there... Oh, and not to mention, your ex now has 2 mansions, DOUBLE your property, that must really hit hard, eh?" The man, visibly going into rage, looks the douchebag genie dead in the eyes and says,"Beat me half to death"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpkwh7/a_man_is_walking_down_an_alleyway/
%
What was the demon arrested for?

Possession

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpkumr/what_was_the_demon_arrested_for/
%
Yesterday I heard they've come up with a cure for deafness.

Everybody will be able to hear about it soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpkrea/yesterday_i_heard_theyve_come_up_with_a_cure_for/
%
What’s worse: ignorance or apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpkh31/whats_worse_ignorance_or_apathy/
%
What can you always assume when buying a used BMW?

The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpk8d2/what_can_you_always_assume_when_buying_a_used_bmw/
%
How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb

Must be more than nine because my basement is still dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpjwav/how_many_dead_babies_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
For some reason, people just randomly come to me and start giving me food!

Stil miss my house though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpjvkv/for_some_reason_people_just_randomly_come_to_me/
%
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpjvi4/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
How does Harry Potter go down a hill?

He walks
J.k Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpjr09/how_does_harry_potter_go_down_a_hill/
%
I have the eye of the tiger...

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpjp73/i_have_the_eye_of_the_tiger/
%
Having a fourth child is like you're drowning...

...and then someone hands you a baby.
Credit:  Jim Gaffigan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpjnyg/having_a_fourth_child_is_like_youre_drowning/
%
As one door closes

And incognito window opens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpjkyp/as_one_door_closes/
%
At the end of the day, we’re all human beans

Together we will rice. Now lettuce pray. Ramen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpji4x/at_the_end_of_the_day_were_all_human_beans/
%
A woman goes into labor with her child.

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpjdgo/a_woman_goes_into_labor_with_her_child/
%
A king looking for a knight to marry his daughter

A king is trying to find someone to marry his beautiful daughter and sets up a quest to who can find the most ping pong balls in all the land. Three knights set out on this adventure. A few days later the first knight arrives with 27 ping pong balls. The next knight comes in shortly after and has 54 ping pong balls.  The following day the last knight arrives; bloody, bruised, chain mail torn like leather and just in all around bad shape. The king asks "my goodness, what has happened to you and where are your ping pong balls?"  To which the noble knight responds "ping pong balls?!? I thought you said King Kong's balls!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpj95y/a_king_looking_for_a_knight_to_marry_his_daughter/
%
My fast food addiction is really starting to cause me issues.

For starters, I can't find anywhere in New York that does a decent cheetah sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpj7m6/my_fast_food_addiction_is_really_starting_to/
%
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey

The brothel keeper asks how she could help him. He replies "I need a woman, because mine has left me."
Brothel Keeper: Why? Also what's with the honeycomb and the donkey?
Dwarf: My wife found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first she asked for a home fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb. The second, she asked for the nicest ass in all of the seven kingdoms, so he gave her this lovely donkey...
Brothel Keeper: What's the third wish?
Dwarf: She asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knees.
Brothel Keeper: Wow that's not so bad
Dwarf: Not so bad? I used to be 6 foot 3!
Source: Tyrion Lannister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpiz7x/a_dwarf_walks_into_a_brothel_with_a_honeycomb_and/
%
If a tree falls in a forest with no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?

I think it depends on how loud its bark is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpiyyl/if_a_tree_falls_in_a_forest_with_no_one_around_to/
%
If your digital multimeter gives a bogus reading, try it again.

It's probably a Fluke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpiuiy/if_your_digital_multimeter_gives_a_bogus_reading/
%
This sub is the most representative sub on this platform.

Cause after five minutes of scrolling you start muttering: Reddit, reddit, reddit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpitpd/this_sub_is_the_most_representative_sub_on_this/
%
A girl is singing her favorite songs

Her grandma comes in the room and says: ,,Oh, that was you, I thought it was the radio."
Girl: ,,And you came to listen granny!? :D"
,,Naw, I wanted to turn off the radio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpislt/a_girl_is_singing_her_favorite_songs/
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpiplp/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why is it so easy to take off corners these days?

They use new cutting-edge technology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpihew/why_is_it_so_easy_to_take_off_corners_these_days/
%
How Canada was named

So it's the year of 1865, and The British Empire has just birthed a new nation. The birth was a regular vaginal birth, and to the relief of everyone, it was much less complicated then the one in 1776. Anyways, now it was time to give name for the new born nation. The British Empire tired from the labour and delivery, decided to leave the naming responsibilities to the founding fathers. The 3 founding fathers each had a name they liked and quarrelled with each other for some time. Then they decided to use the same tactic they used in naming the older brother, USA. The three of them would each pick a letter from a hat and the 3 letters would become the name.
First founding fathers picks a letter from the hat, "C, eh."
Second goes, "N, eh."
And finally the third goes, "D, eh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpigh9/how_canada_was_named/
%
How does Epstein change a light bulb?

we don't know, his suicide watch didn't see anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpigdf/how_does_epstein_change_a_light_bulb/
%
The first time I took a girl back to my apartment, she sighed and asked, “You don’t have much experience taking off bras, do you?”

I said, “What gave me away?”
She said, “The scissors, mostly.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpiey4/the_first_time_i_took_a_girl_back_to_my_apartment/
%
Doctor: You’re going to feel a bit of pressure. Ready?

Me: Yes.
Doctor: Your sister is younger but already has a good career and owns her own home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpidzq/doctor_youre_going_to_feel_a_bit_of_pressure_ready/
%
All my girlfriend Jen ever talks about is my penis.

If you don't believe me, just ask her yourself. Jenn'll tell ya.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpi44o/all_my_girlfriend_jen_ever_talks_about_is_my_penis/
%
Got fired from the butchers today for putting my dick in the mince machine.

She got fired as well..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpi097/got_fired_from_the_butchers_today_for_putting_my/
%
Everything's under control.

This is the worst keyboard ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cphzw2/everythings_under_control/
%
What did the tickle me elmo get when he left the production line?

Two test tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cphxwm/what_did_the_tickle_me_elmo_get_when_he_left_the/
%
A man goes to work one day with a VERY noticeable scar on his forehead

One of his coworkers was quick to ask what happened.
"Well" The man replied. "It started this morning".
"It was about 6 or 7 am, I got up fast because I thought I was going to be late, and I banged my head on the side of the bedside table, then I stumbled over to the closet and accidentally slammed into the door"
"And that's how you were scarred?" His coworker asked.
"No, let me continue"
"So I went downstairs, had breakfast, and went out, then some crazy kid threw a rock at my on accident!"
"And that's how it happened?" His coworker asked.
"No, let me continue"
"So I was in massive pain from the rock and then I got in my car, but I was careless and hit a fire hydrant"
"Ok, that was definitely it, right?" His coworker asked.
"Hold on, I forgot what we were talking about" He replied
"How you got that scar on your forehead"
"Oh, that? I got it when I hit my head on the bedside table"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cphka8/a_man_goes_to_work_one_day_with_a_very_noticeable/
%
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cphk9y/a_small_church_had_a_very_attractive_bigbusted/
%
How much did Cain beat his brother?

As much as he was abel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cphk58/how_much_did_cain_beat_his_brother/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cphhrd/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
A mini poem:

Little birdy, flying high,
Drops a present from the sky,
Farmer says, wiping his eye,
Thank the Lord my pigs don't fly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cphhq0/a_mini_poem/
%
A Jewish father decided to sent his son to Israel and this happened.

A Jewish father sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.”
“What have I done!” said the father,
He took his problem to his best friend Joseph and he said, “I sent my son, Noah, to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?”
“Funny you should ask,” said Joseph. “I, also, sent my son, Abraham, to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi.”
They explained their problem to the Rabbi. “Funny you should ask,” said the rabbi. “I, too sent my son, Adam, to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?”
They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens: “Funny you should ask,” said the voice, “I, too, sent my son, Jesus, to Israel…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cphaxf/a_jewish_father_decided_to_sent_his_son_to_israel/
%
A polar bear walked into a bar.

"A rum and......................                             coke please." He asked.
"Certainly", replied the bar man, "but why the big pause?"
"I was born with them", answered the bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cph7zt/a_polar_bear_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Told my friend I went to the waxwork museum and they had a waxwork of a medieval knight wielding his weapons.

"Tussauds?"
"Nah, he was holding a mace."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cph0s9/told_my_friend_i_went_to_the_waxwork_museum_and/
%
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry

"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpgsz4/two_european_frogs_discuss_their_ancestry/
%
A man goes to a Chinese restaurant

After the meal he open his fortune cookie. Inside it reads:
"Your charm and wit make admirers of many."
Although flattered, the man feels disappointed because he was expecting his fortune told. He pulls the waiter aside and asks for another fortune cookie. Inside it reads:
"Your determination is becoming of a fabulous leader"
Angrier now, the man demands a real fortune. The waiter apologies and explains that they're all like that. The man leaps up and yells,
"Fine! I hope you all enjoy the nasty review I'll leave for this place. What's it called again?"
The waiter replies, "Pander Express"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpgra9/a_man_goes_to_a_chinese_restaurant/
%
Over 80% of German cars ever made are still on the road.

The rest made it home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpgr0p/over_80_of_german_cars_ever_made_are_still_on_the/
%
I was at an Italian restaurant last Friday...

Me: "I'll just have the Paggione".
Waitress: "That says 'page one', sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpgm6i/i_was_at_an_italian_restaurant_last_friday/
%
When you look really closely...

When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpgi46/when_you_look_really_closely/
%
A child asked his father

, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpgcm6/a_child_asked_his_father/
%
What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?

Oh sheet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpgbqx/what_did_the_blanket_say_as_it_fell_of_the_bed/
%
Did you hear about the massacre at the shoe factory?

100 soles were lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpfzgq/did_you_hear_about_the_massacre_at_the_shoe/
%
There are 3 unwritten rules in life..

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpfnpk/there_are_3_unwritten_rules_in_life/
%
What do you call an old man on the Internet?

Elder scrolls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpfms0/what_do_you_call_an_old_man_on_the_internet/
%
Timing!

What’s the difference between and good joke and a bad joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpfj2u/timing/
%
Why do Mormons think Christ’s second coming will be in America?

Because they think he will end their Missouri.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpffha/why_do_mormons_think_christs_second_coming_will/
%
What was Epstein's favorite prison game?

Hangman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpff22/what_was_epsteins_favorite_prison_game/
%
I think my bathroom might be traumatized....

I don’t know, it just looks like my toilet has seen some shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpfdw9/i_think_my_bathroom_might_be_traumatized/
%
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today

Isnt it funny what you can find in pharmacies' gift/novelty shops?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpfdrn/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_today/
%
What do you call a priest's pecker? (Dry AF)

Holywood..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpf7nd/what_do_you_call_a_priests_pecker_dry_af/
%
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpf7do/a_slice_of_apple_pie_is_250_in_jamaica_and_300_in/
%
Is there a way to change your username on reddit?

Asking for a friend...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpf5u5/is_there_a_way_to_change_your_username_on_reddit/
%
I've been clean for 30 days.

Having depression makes it difficult to take of myself, but I've managed to shower and brush my teeth for 30 days in a row.  Thankfully I have all this heroin to get me through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpezwo/ive_been_clean_for_30_days/
%
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpeudq/my_wife_is_really_mad_at_the_fact_that_i_have_no/
%
I live under a 4 million dollar roof.

Bridges sure are expensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpepbw/i_live_under_a_4_million_dollar_roof/
%
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpendb/my_wife_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out_instead_of/
%
There was once a sculptureer who couldn't sculpt hands for the love of god

Which is why every sculpture of his was a bust!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpem4q/there_was_once_a_sculptureer_who_couldnt_sculpt/
%
Having a mahogany breast would be annoying.

Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cped5h/having_a_mahogany_breast_would_be_annoying/
%
I watched the Sixth Sense and Titanic...

Now icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpe9xh/i_watched_the_sixth_sense_and_titanic/
%
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At the second hand store!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpe9jq/where_did_captain_hook_buy_his_hook/
%
If you say "gullible" slowly enough, it actually sounds like"oranges"

Give it a try

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpdycw/if_you_say_gullible_slowly_enough_it_actually/
%
Two Chemists walk into a bar

One chemist says "I'll have H20"
The other one says "I'll have water, also"
"Fuck, my assassination attempt failed..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpduz1/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How do boomers change a lightbulb

They dont, they just keep talking about how great the old one was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpdu3c/how_do_boomers_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Just ordered Hong Kong style sweet and sour chicken from my local takeaway

4 police officers delivered it and fired tear gas through my front door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpdrcx/just_ordered_hong_kong_style_sweet_and_sour/
%
Two men were lost in the desert.

As they wandered, desperately looking for food and water they spot a tree and head towards it. As they get closer they can't believe their eyes, every branch of the tree has bacon slices hanging off it. One of them breaks into a run and grabs a slice, but before he can eat it, out of nowhere a volley of arrows hits him in the chest. He stumbles backwards and falls down bleeding to death just as his friend catches up and says "It's not a bacon tree, it's a hambush."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpdpqb/two_men_were_lost_in_the_desert/
%
It's not difficult to be a taxi driver if you're dyslexic.

It's easy as CAB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpdn7m/its_not_difficult_to_be_a_taxi_driver_if_youre/
%
There was a guy named Nobody, a guy named Mark and a girl named Stupid.

Stupid and Mark were dating. Nobody fell from the window while cleaning it so Mark called 911 and said: "Nobody fell out of the window!".
Operator: "Are you fucking Stupid?".
Mark: "No I fucked her yesterday".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpdip9/there_was_a_guy_named_nobody_a_guy_named_mark_and/
%
Taxi driver

I was in a taxi today and the taxi driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "turn Left"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpdeda/taxi_driver/
%
A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $18.95 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a shot of Tequila,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $20.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
Awesome says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpdbsx/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_ostrich/
%
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus

. When she
noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on
account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She
moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had
him arrested.
When the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked
why he acted in such a manner: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't
help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read
"Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read
"Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat
under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she
sat
under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented
this accident."
He won the case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpdbg0/a_young_woman_who_was_several_months_pregnant/
%
Dogs can not operate MRI machines ...

... but cats can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpd3cj/dogs_can_not_operate_mri_machines/
%
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him,
“What happened to you?”
“Well,” said the man,
“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both spliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it. Stuck in the middle of the cows butt, still holding the cows tail up, I yelled to my wife,
Hey, this look like yours?”
The man didn’t remember much after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpd1t8/a_man_staggered_into_a_hospital_with_a_concussion/
%
If two lefts don’t make a right, what do two rights make?

Airplanes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpd18i/if_two_lefts_dont_make_a_right_what_do_two_rights/
%
Why does Stephen Hawking only use one liners?

Because he can’t do stand-up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpcpaf/why_does_stephen_hawking_only_use_one_liners/
%
Can a ninja throw a star?

SHUR-HE-CAN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpcoay/can_a_ninja_throw_a_star/
%
A little boy asked his father…

A little boy asked his father
“Daddy, why is my sisters name Rose?”
“Because your mummy loves roses”
“And why is my other sister’s name Violet?”
“Because mummy loves violets, too”
“And what about me?”
“I’ll tell you when you’re older, Anal”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpclsh/a_little_boy_asked_his_father/
%
How does every joke on r/jokes start?

With a ctrl+C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpclh0/how_does_every_joke_on_rjokes_start/
%
Bill,a pro at the local golf course,and Ray,his longtime friend and caddy,went out golfing.

Bill was getting lined up for the most critical putt of his life.It would mean the course record and TenThousand dollars.When a funeral procession came by,Bill stops what he was doing,takes off his hat,holds it to his chest,and bows his head.
"What the hell is wrong with you,"Ray asks?"This is the most critical putt of your entire life.It means the course record and ten thousand dollars and your gonna throw it all away over a funeral procession?"
Bill fires back,"Well hell Ray,after being married to her for forty years I think I owe her that much."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpchic/billa_pro_at_the_local_golf_courseand_rayhis/
%
No service at hotel room

I called into the hotel reception for room service. After my 5th call went unanswered, I walked up to the hotel reception angrily asking why they weren't answering.
Reception : "Extremely sorry sir. What's your room number?"
Me : "Room number 503"
Reception : "Something went wrong. 503 service unavailable"
Credit : comedy god u/turnsatan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpcfxt/no_service_at_hotel_room/
%
How is dark humor like food?

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpc96f/how_is_dark_humor_like_food/
%
I couldn't find my hotel room

I recently went to Wisconsinand checked into a hotel.  I took the key at the reception and got onto the elevator to the 4th floor. Walked up and down the corridor but my room was nowhere to be found.
Then giving up all hope, I called the reception from corridor and told them the situation.
Reception: "Sir what's the room number?"
Me (angry):"404!"
Reception: "oh so 404 not found? :)"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpc3z5/i_couldnt_find_my_hotel_room/
%
Why do communists prefer to use only lowercase letter?

Well, because they hate capitalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpc2kq/why_do_communists_prefer_to_use_only_lowercase/
%
Why thanos don't like selfies ?

Because everytime he makes a snap, half of his friend list disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpbzoo/why_thanos_dont_like_selfies/
%
What do you call someone obssessed with French culture?

A ouiboo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpbyrj/what_do_you_call_someone_obssessed_with_french/
%
I like my women like I like my joints.

Tight, thin and straight to the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpbpf9/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_joints/
%
Pirate walks into the bar...

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!!"
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained,"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."
"It was my first day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpbmuc/pirate_walks_into_the_bar/
%
My Friend And I Recently Desecrated A German Composer's Tomb

It was Bach-breaking work, but we got it done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpbl3m/my_friend_and_i_recently_desecrated_a_german/
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What do you call a vampire slayer that lies?

Bluffy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpbijo/what_do_you_call_a_vampire_slayer_that_lies/
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Jesus, the flair-tagging system in this sub is weird.

See?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpbh7e/jesus_the_flairtagging_system_in_this_sub_is_weird/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves you and never comes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpbfhs/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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A paedophile, a billionaire and a jew walk into a bar...

"What will you have Mr Epstein?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpbdxx/a_paedophile_a_billionaire_and_a_jew_walk_into_a/
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What does a short sighted detective wear?

Suspectacles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpbass/what_does_a_short_sighted_detective_wear/
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What's it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpb79s/whats_it_take_to_make_a_squid_laugh/
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Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous,

I’m seeing a lot of new faces here today, and I have to say, I’m very disappointed in all of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpb5gd/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts_anonymous/
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Why are black people so tall?

Because their knee grows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpb3xe/why_are_black_people_so_tall/
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Did you hear about the great ginger ale crisis of 1995?

No? I guess it must have been schwepped under the rug..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpb07b/did_you_hear_about_the_great_ginger_ale_crisis_of/
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My Drill Sergeant said, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning”

I said, “Thank you sir”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpayrp/my_drill_sergeant_said_i_didnt_see_you_at/
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How do you get Donald Trump to change a light bulb?

You tell him it was put there by Obama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpawl7/how_do_you_get_donald_trump_to_change_a_light_bulb/
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What car can't you own if you use a nokia?

A kia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpauk7/what_car_cant_you_own_if_you_use_a_nokia/
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Little Johnny

A teacher drew a deer on the board and asked the children to name it.
One child raised his hand and said it's a horse. Another one said its a rat.
So the teacher decided to give them a clue: "It's what your mom sometimes calls your dad."
"I've got it." said little Johnny, "It's a horny bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpashg/little_johnny/
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How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpam2p/how_can_you_tell_if_your_husband_is_dead/
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Why do Chinese-Americans never get homesick?

Because everything in America is homemade for them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpajtl/why_do_chineseamericans_never_get_homesick/
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So, a pirate walks into a bar...

...with a ship's steering wheel attatched to his crotch. Bartender asks:
"You know you got a ship's steering wheel attatched to your crotch?"
Pirate says:
"Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpa6wp/so_a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpa6as/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
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My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cpa0iq/my_little_daughter_came_to_me_all_excited_saying/
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One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks

but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."
The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"
The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"
The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."
So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.
The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."
The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp9ys7/one_night_two_drunks_were_wandering_the_town/
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I accidentally swallowed a whole heap of Scrabble tiles last night.

My next poo could spell disaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp9v6d/i_accidentally_swallowed_a_whole_heap_of_scrabble/
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There are 2 chickens in a barn, one says: "tok, tok, tok, tok, tok".

The other replies: "are you tokking to me"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp9s13/there_are_2_chickens_in_a_barn_one_says_tok_tok/
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Why did the crazy man ask the cyclist to run him over ?

Because he’s a cycle path.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp9lnr/why_did_the_crazy_man_ask_the_cyclist_to_run_him/
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“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] ...“The men I please are none of your damn business!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp9ds8/waitress_can_i_ask_you_something_about_the_menu/
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Tried calling the tinnitus helpline

They didn't answer
It just kept ringing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp9cyr/tried_calling_the_tinnitus_helpline/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Juan
(Don’t know if this joke is new or old my friend told me this yesterday)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp9b8j/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Why did Miley Cyrus end her marriage to Liam Hemsworth?

They couldn't twerk it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp99zi/why_did_miley_cyrus_end_her_marriage_to_liam/
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What is the most sensitive part of your body during masturbation?

Your ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp98f6/what_is_the_most_sensitive_part_of_your_body/
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People are fucking idiots.

Not that I'm jealous or anything...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp96qb/people_are_fucking_idiots/
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Which bees eat brains?

Zom-bees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp8t0x/which_bees_eat_brains/
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What do you call Chewbacca when he gets sick?

Achoo-bacca

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp8rnm/what_do_you_call_chewbacca_when_he_gets_sick/
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How do judges learn who's guilty and who's not?

By trial and error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp8qx0/how_do_judges_learn_whos_guilty_and_whos_not/
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Yo mama so fat .....

Flat earthers were correct before her burial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp8k1u/yo_mama_so_fat/
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When I’m in front of Hispanic people I say “mucho”

It means a lot to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp8h8t/when_im_in_front_of_hispanic_people_i_say_mucho/
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Two sociopaths was being locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

One day they both decide that they dont like it there and they want to escape.
They wait for nighttime and eventually they make it to the top of the building and they now stand on the edge of the rooftop, only jumpingdistance away from the next rooftop.
One of the sociopaths jump over to the other rooftop with ease, but the other one suddenly freezes and tells the first sociopath that he's afraid that he isn't going to make it.
The first sociopath then gets an idea. He pulls out a flashlight and shouts:
"If I shine thos flashlight over to your side you can just wall across the beam."
But the other sociopath wasn't going to be fooled so easily, so he shouts back at the other:
"You really think I'm that mental? You'll just turn of the beam when I'm halfway over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp8ghk/two_sociopaths_was_being_locked_up_in_a/
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A Boy was screwing a girl on a Railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants
The driver shouts out to the boy “Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last fuck.”
Boy, ‘Listen dude, u were coming, she was cuming and I was cuming. then I realised only you had Brakes..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp8e98/a_boy_was_screwing_a_girl_on_a_railway_track/
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I can't believe there is a sex offender registry.

Who is buying gifts for these people?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp8ckn/i_cant_believe_there_is_a_sex_offender_registry/
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The doctor called me into his office today looking unsettled.

I asked the doctor why he looked so dismayed. He looked at me and said “I have bad news and worse news”. I boldly looked him in the eyes and told him to inform me of the issue. The doctor replied “You have 29 hours to live”. To which I uncomfortably asked what the worse news was. The doctor replied “I was supposed to tell you that yesterday”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp8bzq/the_doctor_called_me_into_his_office_today/
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What is contained in Jeffrey Epstein's unsealed documents?

PDF Files

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp88is/what_is_contained_in_jeffrey_epsteins_unsealed/
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A physician said, "You have High Blood Pressure"

"High blood pressure? Well Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" The Doctor asked.
"Neither," I replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
I sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp867l/a_physician_said_you_have_high_blood_pressure/
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My wife: You didn't hear a word I said, did you?

Me: That's a weird way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp862i/my_wife_you_didnt_hear_a_word_i_said_did_you/
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What did the molecule say to the atom after he got in trouble?

I’ve got my ion you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp81nh/what_did_the_molecule_say_to_the_atom_after_he/
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Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to do stand up comedy

Well, no one's laughing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp816q/everyone_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_do/
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Don't think of this as the hottest summer of the last 125 years.

Think of it as the coolest summer of the next 125 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp7wb2/dont_think_of_this_as_the_hottest_summer_of_the/
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How does every racist joke start?

With a look over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp7tyl/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
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It has come to my attention that there might be something in need of adressing.

mysalad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp7rid/it_has_come_to_my_attention_that_there_might_be/
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A man is on an elevator delivering jokes to children at a children's hospital when someone gets off at a floor and asks "Do you need to make a delivery on this floor?"

The man replies "no, this joke is next level"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp7qdb/a_man_is_on_an_elevator_delivering_jokes_to/
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Why should you never play cards with cats.

Because they might be cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp7q8l/why_should_you_never_play_cards_with_cats/
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A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name

He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high school sweetheart.
When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.
She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.
She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized.
In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground.
"What happened?!", she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer and whispered,
"Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp7cnb/a_boy_named_carol_had_a_particularly_rough/
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A flasher flashes two old women sitting on a park bench

One old lady has a stroke.
The other couldn’t reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp723e/a_flasher_flashes_two_old_women_sitting_on_a_park/
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I don’t often tell Dad jokes

But when I do, he usually laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp6yeq/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
%
What does it smell like in Ireland?

Derry air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp6viv/what_does_it_smell_like_in_ireland/
%
How do lesbians trade favors?

Tit for twat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp6szr/how_do_lesbians_trade_favors/
%
The past tense of William Shakespeare

Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp6sq7/the_past_tense_of_william_shakespeare/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp6qz6/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
My wife told me she had to dump her ex boyfriend to get married to me.

They haven't found the body yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp6qlb/my_wife_told_me_she_had_to_dump_her_ex_boyfriend/
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How do you know the moon is going Broke?

Because its down to its last quarter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp6jwt/how_do_you_know_the_moon_is_going_broke/
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A 4 y/o told me this one yesterday: I'm looking forward to the bees.

(evil grin) If they sting, they must die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp6jef/a_4_yo_told_me_this_one_yesterday_im_looking/
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Patient: I have an irrational fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell me why
Patient: AHHHHHHHH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp67oe/patient_i_have_an_irrational_fear_of_the/
%
I just caught my pecker in my zipper and man it hurts.

No more zip up boots for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5uk9/i_just_caught_my_pecker_in_my_zipper_and_man_it/
%
Hey babe, can I be your first derivative?

Because I want to lie tangent to your curves...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5qg4/hey_babe_can_i_be_your_first_derivative/
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My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night...

She nearly poked my eye out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5qfm/my_deaf_girlfriend_was_talking_in_her_sleep_last/
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A bartender walks into a bar...

He then declared it open for the day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5q24/a_bartender_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did EA cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5mou/why_did_ea_cross_the_road/
%
I don't trust atoms...

I hear they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5mc2/i_dont_trust_atoms/
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Me: I’m afraid of the cold

Therapist: I see
Me: *SCREAMS*
Therapist chill out!
Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5jfd/me_im_afraid_of_the_cold/
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A girl goes up to you and compliments you.

That was the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5i5k/a_girl_goes_up_to_you_and_compliments_you/
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Why did you kill the doctor

A: He told me that I could only live for 2 months
Judge: and what do you get from killing him?
A: 15 years to live in prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5h2g/why_did_you_kill_the_doctor/
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A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder.

Barman says “Oh wow I’ve never seen one like that before, where did you get him from?”
Parrot says “Africa, there’s loads of them over there”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5gf5/a_black_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_huge_parrot/
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What has 4 wheels and flies?

A Garbage truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5fod/what_has_4_wheels_and_flies/
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Did you know there is a species of spider that can jump higher then a building

This is due to its powerful 8 legs and the fact that buildings can’t jump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5e3j/did_you_know_there_is_a_species_of_spider_that/
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The only thing inspiring in my like is my blood type:

I'm a B+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5cks/the_only_thing_inspiring_in_my_like_is_my_blood/
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A guy demands from the bartender a 40-year old scotch...

The bartender pours him a glass.
After a drink, the man replies, “That was terrible Scotch and you know it.  I want *40-year old* Scotch.”
The bartender pours him another glass.
After another drink, the man replies, “That was only 10-year old Scotch.  I want *40-year old* Scotch.”
The bartender is starting to get curious now, and grabs a bottle from his top shelf and pours another glass.
The man takes a sip, and says, “That’s better, but it was still only 20-year old Scotch.  I want **40-year old** Scotch.
By now a crowd has started to form.  The bartender reaches into his private stash, and pours again.
Another sip, and the man proclaims, “Now *THIS* is 40-year old Scotch,” to cheers from the crowd.
The town drunk hands him a glass and says, “Here, try this”
Unruffled, the man smiles and takes a sip, and immediately spits it back out.
“Good God man, that’s Piss!”
“Right!” exclaims the drunk.  “Now, *how old am I?*”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5191/a_guy_demands_from_the_bartender_a_40year_old/
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What do you call rock on rock violence?

Basalt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp5100/what_do_you_call_rock_on_rock_violence/
%
Why did the crab get fired?

Because he was not moving the company forward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp504o/why_did_the_crab_get_fired/
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How do you spot a blind man in a nudist beach?

It’s not that hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp4zjh/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_beach/
%
A guy is sitting at a bar, and a drunk dude walks up to him

calling his mom a whore. The first guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk dude comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The first guy looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk dude walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what, Dad? Go home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp4ytu/a_guy_is_sitting_at_a_bar_and_a_drunk_dude_walks/
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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp4yd3/a_man_kills_a_deer_and_takes_it_home_to_cook_for/
%
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I just drink for evil!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp4xmm/ive_finally_stopped_drinking_for_good/
%
I opened an Indian restaurant called the ghee spot

It's hard to find

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp4vix/i_opened_an_indian_restaurant_called_the_ghee_spot/
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Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?

He wanted to beat the crowd..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp4v7l/why_did_ron_artest_leave_the_game_early/
%
I always follow what my dad says to my other dad

Another mans junk is another mans treasure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp4v7a/i_always_follow_what_my_dad_says_to_my_other_dad/
%
Why do hospitals have air conditioning?

To keep the vegetables fresh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp4r7g/why_do_hospitals_have_air_conditioning/
%
I think my dad might be the avatar...

He vanished when I needed him most.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp4psz/i_think_my_dad_might_be_the_avatar/
%
A policeman is speaking in court...

Lawyer: “So the defendant shot and killed her husband for stepping on the freshly mopped floor?”
Officer: “Yes, that is correct.”
Lawyer: “And it took you an hour to arrest her in the home? Why?”
Officer: “The floor was still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp4jgs/a_policeman_is_speaking_in_court/
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Have some respect!

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”
....I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there”
Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!”
I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs....
“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR  BADGE!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp49uz/have_some_respect/
%
When will people stop eating ground pork?

When pigs fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp3ue5/when_will_people_stop_eating_ground_pork/
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4 people go on vacation together.

One of them speaks English, another speaks French, the third speaks Spanish , and the last speaks German. They see a crowd gathering in the street and go over to see what’s going on. There is a performer in the middle of the crowd. He notices that the four are struggling to see him so he stands on a box. He asks them “ can you guys see me all right?” And they reply in turn “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp3mmm/4_people_go_on_vacation_together/
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I wouldn't say that I'm avoiding commitment . . .

but I wouldn't say that I'm not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp3iin/i_wouldnt_say_that_im_avoiding_commitment/
%
I realised the other day that I’m colourblind

That came out of the yellow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp39ix/i_realised_the_other_day_that_im_colourblind/
%
Why does the bride smile as she's walking down the aisle?

She knows she's given her last blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp36w3/why_does_the_bride_smile_as_shes_walking_down_the/
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So there's this guy, let's call him Paul Yankee.

So Paul Yankee had been dating this girl Wendy Norris for a few years, so he finally proposed and she said yes.
Fast forward to the wedding and they are the happiest people to ever exist. Mr Paul Yankee and Mrs Wendy Yankee decided to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. As a surprise for his wife, he got a tattoo on his penis to demonstrate his undying love and loyalty for her. When it's erect, it says WENDY, and when flaccid it says WY, her initials.
Night time arrived on the first day, and as Paul disrobed, Wendy's jaw dropped. She loved the surprise so much and they had sex for three straight days, surviving on room service and bar snacks.
Finally they decided to hit the beaches. It was a really hot day and after enjoying the cool ocean water, they decided to sit at the bar under the straw hut.
They started to knock back a few Long Islands and other refreshing cocktails and they had a great time.
Good ol' Paul excused himself from the missus and decided to take a leak. The queue for the restroom by the bar was too long, so he ran further up and saw the Department of Tourism building.
He was about to burst, and hopping side to side, he asked the receptionist where the restroom is. "Take a left turn down there" she barely said in her thick Jamaican accent before Paul jetted off and entered the restroom.
At the urinal, he noticed that this tall dark Jamaican man has on his penis, the letters WY tattooed.
"How peculiar", thought Paul.
Curiously, Paul told the gentleman that he is on his honeymoon and as a surprise for his newly wed wife, he had her name on his penis tattooed to show his undying love and eternal loyalty to her. Paul then asked him "So do you also have a wife named Wendy?".
The man replied,  "No, I work in the Tourism department, so it says WELCOME TO JAMAICA, ENJOY OUR BEACHES AND HAVE A NICE DAY"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp36ij/so_theres_this_guy_lets_call_him_paul_yankee/
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Why do dwarfs laugh when they play football?

Because the grass tickles their balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp356a/why_do_dwarfs_laugh_when_they_play_football/
%
A man went to a toy store

He asks an employee: "I need a Barbie for my daughter, how much is that one?"
Employee: "That's 'Barbie and Ken take a roadtrip honeymoon', it costs 200 and Ken and his car are included."
Customer: "That's a bit high, what about that one, it's only Barbie without Ken."
Employee: "That one costs 10.000"
Man"Why?!"
Employee: " 'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's music collection,..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp2mdp/a_man_went_to_a_toy_store/
%
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client

He says,
"John, I have some good news and some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
John replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now that I know that I can handle the bad news, you mind telling me what it is?"
The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp2k5r/a_new_york_attorney_representing_a_wealthy_art/
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What do you call jalapeño flavored ice cream?

Spice cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp2fys/what_do_you_call_jalapeño_flavored_ice_cream/
%
Can we stop the conspiracy theories on Epstein's death? It was a normal suicide, because he had nothing to live for.

"This post is supported and paid for by the Clinton Foundation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp2fcb/can_we_stop_the_conspiracy_theories_on_epsteins/
%
I got arrested for giving criminals glasses of ice cubes.

Apparently you're  considered to be a vigilante if you hand out just ice on the streets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp26mh/i_got_arrested_for_giving_criminals_glasses_of/
%
After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp231h/after_extensive_investigations_and_many_phone/
%
My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on

I don’t know why she was so mad, sand is very hard to write on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp22o3/my_sister_asked_me_to_bring_her_something_hard_to/
%
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “Listening. I would say listening is my biggest weakness.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp1zw4/interviewer_where_do_you_see_yourself_in_5_years/
%
I'm a big fan of Karl Marx's books, and if that makes me a communist;

Then So vie It

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp1zgg/im_a_big_fan_of_karl_marxs_books_and_if_that/
%
Wheres the best place to find facts about african wildlife?

Safari...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp1yyp/wheres_the_best_place_to_find_facts_about_african/
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If I was a shape I would be a Hexahectahexaheptahexagon.

I'm super edgy, my plane of existence is pointless, and that's how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp1tcl/if_i_was_a_shape_i_would_be_a/
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Johnny's father decided it was time for him to get out and see the world. [Nsfw]

"Son, it is time for you to see some of the world on your own. But i don't want to send you out with nothing son, so take this duck with you."
So Johnny took the duck and went out with his duck and the first person he met was a ho.
"Hey kid, nice duck.  I'll have sex with you if you give me that duck."
Johnny agreed, and he screwwed her up, down, and sideways. He gave it to her so good she screamed he was the best she ever had and when he was done, she was begging for more.
"I'll give you your duck back if you do that one more time."
Johnny agreed, and went back to work. When he was done he went back to the road, when suddenly the duck flew in front of a pickup truck and was crushed under the tires. A man got out and apologized.
"Sorry mister, here's 25$ to pay for the duck. Let me give you a lift home."
Johnny got out of the truck at his home and his pa asked him how his day out in the world went.
Johnny said:
"Well, I got fucked for a duck,
then I fucked for a duck.
And i just got 25 bucks cause my duck got fucked by a pickup truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp1qtf/johnnys_father_decided_it_was_time_for_him_to_get/
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A nerd went fishing and caught a very small goldfish...

She spoke with human voice to him, beging to be left alive because she is so young, and if he lets her go, she will grant him a wish. The nerd thought a litle and said "Ok, i will let you go, but don' t let me die a virgin" .  This is how he gained immortality....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp1p0l/a_nerd_went_fishing_and_caught_a_very_small/
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A pun walks into a bar, ten people die on the spot.

Pun in, ten dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp1fbp/a_pun_walks_into_a_bar_ten_people_die_on_the_spot/
%
If you came for the pee jokes

Urine luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp19a8/if_you_came_for_the_pee_jokes/
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What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

A cherry on a float.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp15dd/what_do_you_call_a_virgin_on_a_water_bed/
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An old Italian Gentleman lived alone in New Jersey

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
"Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa"
......A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp14ms/an_old_italian_gentleman_lived_alone_in_new_jersey/
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So two boys were picking pecans out of a tree in the cemetery....

They had finally picked out all of the pecans, and began to divvy up the harvest. They sat in the branches, hidden from below. "One for you, One for me. One for you, one for me." and so on. While they were counting, they dropped two pecans, and they rolled over to the fence. After a while, a boy had walked by and heard two voices, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The little boy said to himself, "That is Satan and God choosing which souls go to Heaven and Hell!" He started running back to town to get someone, and stumbled upon an old man walking along. He said to the man, "Come. Quick! You can hear Satan and God talking by the cemetery!" The old man, unbelieving, decided to follow the boy to see what the fuss is about. They get back to the cemetary, and sure enough, they could hear two voices, "One for you, one for me.".
The boy and the old man stood by the fence, hoping to maybe see Satan and God in the cemetery. Then the voices said, "All done with these ones. Let's go get the ones by the fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp11nd/so_two_boys_were_picking_pecans_out_of_a_tree_in/
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What did the vegans say when they were captured and put into a small space?

Kelp! Lettuce leaf! There isn’t mushroom in here...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp0ufv/what_did_the_vegans_say_when_they_were_captured/
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What’s the hardest part of being vegan

Keeping it to yourself apparently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp0nw4/whats_the_hardest_part_of_being_vegan/
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What do you call the meat on your lower leg?

Bologna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp0mbl/what_do_you_call_the_meat_on_your_lower_leg/
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My uncle is a magician

he turned a bottle of whiskey into a case of domestic violence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp0k8e/my_uncle_is_a_magician/
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I must admit, my arch-nemesis did a good job impersonating me...

...Indeed, he was a worthy faux.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp0jrs/i_must_admit_my_archnemesis_did_a_good_job/
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Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp0j3y/statistics_say_that_1_out_of_3_people_in_a/
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A Boy's Frog

A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string. And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want." She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why. He replies, "My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE's the motherfucker who ran over my frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp0aqu/a_boys_frog/
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What do you call a close reflection?

A nearer mirror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp02dr/what_do_you_call_a_close_reflection/
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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind
the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking
a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and
killed her also.
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and
silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cp01cd/a_jewish_man_was_leaving_a_convenience_store_with/
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I left a message for the delivery driver telling him I'd be back in fifteen minutes.

I pulled into the driveway two hours later and he came racing up to me.
"Where the fuck have you been? I was waiting all day."
"Now you know how we feel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cozwcv/i_left_a_message_for_the_delivery_driver_telling/
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What do we want?

Friday!
When do we want it?
Sunday night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cozu5r/what_do_we_want/
%
What sound was made when the airplane hit the trampoline?

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cozpq9/what_sound_was_made_when_the_airplane_hit_the/
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DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

....I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there”
Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!”
I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs....
“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR  BADGE!!”
Source: a comment on r/funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cozl72/dea_agent_stopped_at_our_farm_yesterday_we_are/
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What do you call it when you have a dream about a horse in the dark?

A nightmare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cozkp8/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_have_a_dream_about_a/
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Three Russian men are talking in the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cozgvj/three_russian_men_are_talking_in_the_gulag/
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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?
Me: *SCREAMS*
Therapist: Oh I see
Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cozgq5/me_im_terrified_of_random_letters/
%
Shovels are...

Groundbreaking technology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cozdjl/shovels_are/
%
Two drunk men walk on a railway

The first guy says: This stairs are neverending!
Other guy: Don't worry there's the elevator comming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cozacz/two_drunk_men_walk_on_a_railway/
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Have you heard about the gay Irish couple?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coza5h/have_you_heard_about_the_gay_irish_couple/
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Gotta admire Voldemort’s work on horcruxes.

He really put his soul into it.
Credit to u/cpt_hamster, great joke man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coz23b/gotta_admire_voldemorts_work_on_horcruxes/
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What’s the best part about turning 50?

My mom is so old that she can’t make it down the stairs to catch me jerking off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coz041/whats_the_best_part_about_turning_50/
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A lame German joke in translation

At the doctors office:
Did you take my advice and sleep with the window open?
Yes, I did.
So, did the cough disappear?
The only thing that's disappeared is my laptop and my smartphone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coyz23/a_lame_german_joke_in_translation/
%
Went to visit my farmer friend and noticed a three-legged pig in the barnyard...

When I asked him what happened he said, “A couple of years ago, we had a fire in the cellar and that pig went to squealing and screaming and raising holy hell to wake us all up in time. Saved all our lives.
“Then, last summer, that pig saw a rattlesnake was sneaking up on little Timmy as he was walking in the meadow and squealed a warning just in time. Saved Timmy, for sure.
And earlier this year, right after the rains, our daughter, Sally, fell in the creek and was being swept away, but that pig jumped in after her, and pulled her out of the torrent before she drowned.”
Wow, I said, that is amazing. But what happened to his leg?
“Well,” said my friend, “a pig that special, you can’t eat him all at once.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coysop/went_to_visit_my_farmer_friend_and_noticed_a/
%
I was in my room and saw a group of 10 ants running around frantically. I felt bad and made a small house for them out of cardboard. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my ..

Tenants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coyqmv/i_was_in_my_room_and_saw_a_group_of_10_ants/
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My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am apologetic aboot it. #sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coymj8/my_wife_says_i_get_mean_when_i_drink_whiskey_now/
%
A priest dies and goes to heaven and is met by Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter gives him a wooden staff and a cotton robe and he is allowed in.
As he goes in, he sees a taxi cab driver talking to peter, and Peter gives the taxi cab a gold staff and a silk robe, so the priest goes back to peter and asks.
"Hey, what gives?  I did God's work, how come he gets a nice staff and robe?  He just drove terribly "
Peter replies "Up here, we go by results.   While you prayed, people slept, while he drove, people prayed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coyjjd/a_priest_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_and_is_met_by/
%
why don’t libraries have books about suicide?

They don’t get returned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coybp1/why_dont_libraries_have_books_about_suicide/
%
What does a person buy with two left feet in the shoe store?

Flip-Flips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coy982/what_does_a_person_buy_with_two_left_feet_in_the/
%
What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe?

Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coy93c/what_did_the_robber_say_after_blowing_open_the/
%
My grammar has suffered since I became a vegetarian

I mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coy4aq/my_grammar_has_suffered_since_i_became_a/
%
Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coy0jn/two_guys_are_talking_when_one_says_hey_i_finally/
%
Why do smart cavemen do their tests on stone tablets?

Because the tests are harder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coy0es/why_do_smart_cavemen_do_their_tests_on_stone/
%
I don’t trust caricature artists.

They sketch me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coxrxx/i_dont_trust_caricature_artists/
%
All languages travel at the speed of sound

Except Braille, which depends on how hard you throw the book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coxoq0/all_languages_travel_at_the_speed_of_sound/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coxkvy/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
A sadist and a masochist got together.

The masochist goes, "Torture me! Torture me!"
The sadist goes, "Nope."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coxjtd/a_sadist_and_a_masochist_got_together/
%
Woman: "When will I meet my soulmate?"

Chiromancer: "Never."
Woman: "But you haven't looked at my palm."
Chiromancer: "I've looked at your face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coxjmw/woman_when_will_i_meet_my_soulmate/
%
Where is the best dentist for walruses?

Tuscaloosa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coxi1g/where_is_the_best_dentist_for_walruses/
%
I saw a group of 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house for them out of a cardboard box.

This technically made me their landlord, and they are my tenants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coxhy2/i_saw_a_group_of_10_ants_running_frantically_i/
%
What is cardboard's favorite sport?

**Boxing**
-brought to you by my 8-year-old son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coxhjk/what_is_cardboards_favorite_sport/
%
Why doesn’t Jesus eat M&Ms?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coxfoe/why_doesnt_jesus_eat_mms/
%
When the prison guards decided to install computers in the local prison, what was the first procedure taken?

Removing the ‘escape’ button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coxcgy/when_the_prison_guards_decided_to_install/
%
Why is Chewbacca considered a pro?

Because he doesn't make wookie mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coxa4s/why_is_chewbacca_considered_a_pro/
%
I met a 60 years old lady last night at the pub..

She looked marvellous for her years. I wondered how beautiful her daughter must be. After having a few drinks, she came up to me and asked "Have you ever been with a mother and a daughter at the same time?"
"Can't say I have," I replied excitedly.
She winked at me and whispered "Well, tonight's your lucky night!"
I followed her to her home, she put the lights on and shouted "MOM, ARE YOU THERE?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cox4mq/i_met_a_60_years_old_lady_last_night_at_the_pub/
%
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her ?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cox2w4/how_did_rihanna_find_out_chris_brown_was_cheating/
%
Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cowxmf/trump_and_obama_are_the_new_standard_for_penis/
%
Why are there so many public mass shootings in America?

Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cowrya/why_are_there_so_many_public_mass_shootings_in/
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When a flat-earther finds conclusive evidence against their beliefs...

...it’s important for them to know that it’s not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cowlpm/when_a_flatearther_finds_conclusive_evidence/
%
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cowj2r/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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In spite of all our political and religious disagreements here on Reddit, I’m happy about one thing.

Most people reading this are on the same page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cowib6/in_spite_of_all_our_political_and_religious/
%
I refused to believe that my road working father was stealing from the job.

But when I got home all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cowhxm/i_refused_to_believe_that_my_road_working_father/
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Pepper and salt shakers.

True story - happened at a restaurant this afternoon with my 4 year old daughter L.
L, pointing to the stainless steel shakers: How do you know which is salt and which is pepper?
Me: Look at the holes on top. If it is the letter S, it's salt. If it is the letter P, it's pepper.
L: Oh, so pepper comes out from the P hole?
Me: ..... Erm... Yes....
L: I know! Then the salt comes from the S hole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cowbul/pepper_and_salt_shakers/
%
Don't you think eating clocks is

Time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cowaw8/dont_you_think_eating_clocks_is/
%
My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cow6u4/my_buddy_got_arrested_on_drug_charges_and_because/
%
Sometimes 'leaving a loose thread hanging' has the opposite meaning...

...just ask Jeffrey Epstein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cow55o/sometimes_leaving_a_loose_thread_hanging_has_the/
%
My wife got mad because I lost £3,420 gambling. Jesus, woman! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cow4c9/my_wife_got_mad_because_i_lost_3420_gambling/
%
When it comes to women, I often get compared to Brad Pitt.

In Benjamin Button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cow44m/when_it_comes_to_women_i_often_get_compared_to/
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Fatherly Advice

Pinocchio goes over to Gipetto’s place one afternoon.
“Hey, dad. I’m having a problem.”
“What’s the problem, son?”
“My girlfriend complains that every time we have sex she gets splinters in her va-jay-jay.”
“Simple solution, my son. Take this sandpaper home and rub it on your lil’ stump. That’ll take care of everything.”
So a few weeks go by and Gipetto hasn’t heard from Pinocchio. He decides to go ‘round to Pinocchio’s house to check on him.
“Hey, Pinocchio. How’d everything work out with your girlfriend?”
“Girlfriend?” replied Pinocchio. “Who needs a girlfriend?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cow3hz/fatherly_advice/
%
What did one DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cow0ju/what_did_one_dna_say_to_the_other_dna/
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J_ffr_y _pst_in

Anyone wanna play hang man?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/covua4/j_ffr_y_pst_in/
%
After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'
Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...' 'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.' 'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .' 'Very well, then.'
The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.' 'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'
'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.' 'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'
'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.' 'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.
The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs. 'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.' 'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. 'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'
Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?' 'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.
Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'
'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.
'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Uh... ma'am???'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/covsck/after_mrs_jacobs_found_out_her_husband_was/
%
Why don't blind people Bungy jump?

the dog doesn't like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/covpil/why_dont_blind_people_bungy_jump/
%
Why didn't Jeffrey Epstein high five the prison officer?

He tends to leave people hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/covgnv/why_didnt_jeffrey_epstein_high_five_the_prison/
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Listen darlin', I'm not horny

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/covdof/listen_darlin_im_not_horny/
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/covd36/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
What is Hitlers favourite video game?

Mein Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/covd0b/what_is_hitlers_favourite_video_game/
%
Why did the tellytubbies all use the bathroom at the same time?

They only have one Tinky Winky!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/covcwf/why_did_the_tellytubbies_all_use_the_bathroom_at/
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It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’

One of my good friends would still be alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/covaj6/its_important_to_have_a_good_vocabulary_if_i_had/
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Did you hear about the Doctor who kept yelling at his clients?

He lost his patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cov6bc/did_you_hear_about_the_doctor_who_kept_yelling_at/
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Jim and Steve are die-hard capitalists...

They go for a stroll together through a cow pasture, and Jim tells Steve that he will give him $20,000 to eat a pile of cow flop. Steve considers the suggestion, says what the heck, and eats a pile. Jim, laughing, gives him the money, and they continue on their merry way.
After a few minutes, Steve tells Jim that if he eats a pile of cow flop as well, he will give him $20,000. Jim considers and eats one too. Steve chuckles and gives Jim the money.
After another few minutes a concerned look of realization appears on Jim's face. He asks Steve, "Did we both just eat cow flop for no reason?"
Immediately, Steve replies confidently, "No way! We just created two jobs and $40,000 worth of GDP!"
Disclaimer: I heard this one a few months ago and loved it. Also, I'm on mobile so sorry if my formatting is atrocious. It looks nice on my end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cov437/jim_and_steve_are_diehard_capitalists/
%
I have suffered from an annoying medical condition for a long time.

During sex, when I am just about to come, I suffer from shortness of breath, running nose and I burst into tears. The symptoms turned gradually so bad I had to consult a doctor. Today he called - the lab results were finally ready. It turns out that I am apparently terribly allergic to capsaisin spray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cov21w/i_have_suffered_from_an_annoying_medical/
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What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?

aTire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/couw85/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
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I'm writing a book called "Fair In Height, For 5'1""

It's about a short guy that gets too heated at a bagel store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coupl1/im_writing_a_book_called_fair_in_height_for_51/
%
A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coundl/a_man_rushes_into_the_doctors_office_and_screams/
%
I really hate my new John Denver Sat Nav.

While it may well take me home, it's always down some country roads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coulus/i_really_hate_my_new_john_denver_sat_nav/
%
Wolverine cannot become a muslim.

It grows back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cougst/wolverine_cannot_become_a_muslim/
%
I know the pillow has gone but I don’t want to talk about it any more.

End of dis-cushion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cou8e6/i_know_the_pillow_has_gone_but_i_dont_want_to/
%
I don't understand communist women.

Everyone gets them but me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cou6oc/i_dont_understand_communist_women/
%
Did you guys hear about the person who had his fruit basket stolen?

He was left peachless!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cotxex/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_person_who_had_his/
%
What did the Fort Knox bomber say?

Wow this blew up thanks for the gold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cottmi/what_did_the_fort_knox_bomber_say/
%
It was time to take my noisy tennis equipment making business elsewhere

The neighbours threatened to report me for making a racket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cotebj/it_was_time_to_take_my_noisy_tennis_equipment/
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What is a single piece of Tortellini called?

Tortaloni

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cote31/what_is_a_single_piece_of_tortellini_called/
%
Milking Machine

A guy visited his farmer friend at his farm. He saw the farmer milking the cows then the guy told him, how the hell you still use your hands for milking the cows!!! There are milking machines out there. It save time, efforts and cleaner. The farmer was convinced and both of them went to the city and bought a brand new milking machine.
After usage, the farmer was very happy with the result, all the buckets were being filled up easily, it was faster and more milk productivity.
Few weeks later the farmer was alone in the farm and something came to his mind “what if I try the milking machine on me!” He attaches the machine to his penis and and got extreme pleasure. After he was done he wanted to turn off the machine but it wouldn’t turn off. After another half an hour he got pleasure again and was so tired. Also tried to turn off the machine but still it wouldn’t turn off. One more hour same thing happened and he was laying on the ground, very tired and couldn’t move. He noticed the customer service phone number on the machine so he pulled his mobile and called the them.
A lady answered him. He said “I bought a milking machine few weeks back and I cannot turn it off, please tell me how for the sake of god”
The lady answered him “don’t worry sir the machine will automatically turn off when the bucket is full”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cosvh8/milking_machine/
%
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.

Is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cosudi/the_only_thing_that_flatearthers_fear/
%
Why don't you talk to the garbage man

because he talks trash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coskr8/why_dont_you_talk_to_the_garbage_man/
%
Why didn’t the walking man get the joke?

It was a running gag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cosgy9/why_didnt_the_walking_man_get_the_joke/
%
It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cosczi/its_crazy_to_think_that_we_have_scientists_that/
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What do you feed a dog with fever?

Mustard. Works well with hot dogs.
Courtesy of an 8 year old I babysit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cos35x/what_do_you_feed_a_dog_with_fever/
%
My favorite jokes are ones about bones in your arms.

There’s nothing more humerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/corx3i/my_favorite_jokes_are_ones_about_bones_in_your/
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Did you hear about that decision the Supreme Court handed down without Justice Ginsburg?

It was ruthless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coruv8/did_you_hear_about_that_decision_the_supreme/
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A man lived a normal life in a 15-story building with his wife and son

They lived on the 12th floor apartment C. One day he was late for work he kissed Mary and gave Mikey his lunch money. After he got out the elevator he’d realised he forgot his car key so called his wife and said
‘Throw down my key I’m late for work’
A man lived a normal life in a 15-story building with his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coruo9/a_man_lived_a_normal_life_in_a_15story_building/
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What do you call someone who refuses to accept that they're swimming in an African river?

in de Nile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cor4d1/what_do_you_call_someone_who_refuses_to_accept/
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cor0ca/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
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I dont see why we need to leave our planet in a better state for future generations

The current generation cant get out of middle school before dying off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coquvl/i_dont_see_why_we_need_to_leave_our_planet_in_a/
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What’s blue and not very heavy?

Light blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coqrg3/whats_blue_and_not_very_heavy/
%
I asked my dad to tell me a dad joke.

He said I was the only joke he ever made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coqr4w/i_asked_my_dad_to_tell_me_a_dad_joke/
%
I used to be afraid of ejaculating too much.

But I eventually overcame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coqq56/i_used_to_be_afraid_of_ejaculating_too_much/
%
Why are mixed-race wizards ineffective?

They can only half-cast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coqpyk/why_are_mixedrace_wizards_ineffective/
%
What do you call a donkey with one leg?

A wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye making love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while breaking wind?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while
breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while
breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coqkdw/what_do_you_call_a_donkey_with_one_leg/
%
Little Johnny

One day a teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that every Friday she will ask a question to the class and whoever answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday the teacher asks: "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day just when the teacher says, "here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag onto the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room. The entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coqh4n/little_johnny/
%
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-
Car driving by: HONK
Me: Because if the-
2nd car driving by: HONK
Me:
Cop:
Me: Because of the-
3rd car driving by:HOOONK
Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coq83o/cop_do_you_know_why_i_pulled_you_over/
%
I had a dream about mufflers..

..I woke up *exhausted*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coq5pr/i_had_a_dream_about_mufflers/
%
No wonder we had WW1 and WW2...

There are so many games about them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coq3c5/no_wonder_we_had_ww1_and_ww2/
%
The Germans say American beer is like having sex in a canoe.

F**king close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coq1hl/the_germans_say_american_beer_is_like_having_sex/
%
How does Harry Potter go down a hill?

Walking...
JK Rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/copxtp/how_does_harry_potter_go_down_a_hill/
%
My girlfriend dumped me because I have a weird nickname for my penis.

I guess I have to take Matter into my own hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/copxnw/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_because_i_have_a_weird/
%
Imagine trying to eat a clock

It would be so time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coptg1/imagine_trying_to_eat_a_clock/
%
I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant with my friend Sara.

She had recently been diagnosed lactose intolerant, and hadn't eaten dairy in months, so I was a little surprised she wanted to eat there.
Before the server could even ask if we wanted an appetizer, Sara blurted out "I haven't had cheese in forever. Bring us a cheese dip, and don't even bother heating it up."
I raised my eyebrows. "Queso raw, Sara?"
She shrugged. "Whatever will be, will be."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/copobm/i_went_to_eat_at_a_mexican_restaurant_with_my/
%
I wasn't surprised Epstein killed himself when he had so many years left ahead...

...after all, he was well known for wanting to do a lot of things earlier than he should.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/copkah/i_wasnt_surprised_epstein_killed_himself_when_he/
%
“It sure is hot down here”

-Jeffrey Epstein 5 minutes ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/copfof/it_sure_is_hot_down_here/
%
Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He recently joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/copb6l/did_you_hear_about_the_racist_chemist/
%
What's a Mexican's favorite sport

Cross-country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/copb58/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
%
My transgender friend just came back from studying internationally!

He was a broad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cop5yb/my_transgender_friend_just_came_back_from/
%
What do necrophiliacs and beer lovers have in common?

They both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cop2lw/what_do_necrophiliacs_and_beer_lovers_have_in/
%
I declare a war on calendars!

Their days are numbered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cop0uw/i_declare_a_war_on_calendars/
%
My girlfriend always takes really long showers after watching movies starring chris pratt

I dont know what shes doing in there but it gives me plenty of time to jerk off to chris pratt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coor14/my_girlfriend_always_takes_really_long_showers/
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A drunk in the bar

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cooowe/a_drunk_in_the_bar/
%
NSFW Mehmet and the sultan long (on mobile, sorry for formatting)

One day the sultan was walking around his kingdom when he stumbled upon Mehmet, the local merchant. Surprised by the vision in front of him, Mehmet naked, bending in all directions and angles, with a loud and deep voice, the sultan roared!
-WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, MEHMET???
-Well hello sultan, I'm trying to fuck myself of course. But as you can see, it's not so easy.
-WHAT ON EARTH IS IT YOU'RE SAYING? WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?
-Well you see sultan, everyone I've fucked have become rich and famous, and here I am, still a merchant. I though it was time for me to live the good life.
-ARE YOU INSANE? WHAT MAKES YOU BELIEVE THAT YOUR SEXUAL ACT WILL LEAD TO FORTUNE?
-Dear sultan, for starters, I fucked all your 20 advisers only days before they became your advisers and now rich and famous. Just ask them if you dont believe me.
Confused and baffled by this, the sultan goes back to his palace and gathered his advisers, and asked them if indeed what Mehmet told him was true.
The advisers denied it at first, but when the sultan threatened them, they all admitted they had been properly fucked by Mehmet only days before they got rich and famous.
The sultan felt sorry for Mehmet who is trying to fuck himself for richness, and demanded the advisers to share their wealth with Mehmet immediately. So they gathered 100 golden bricks and loaded them on a donkey which a servant was ordered to bring to Mehmet.
The following day, Mehmet is still trying to fuck himself, almost able to enter himself when he sees a donkey approaching, filled with gold on its back.
Jumping out of joy, Mehmet exclaimed "I can't believe I got all of this gold from just the tip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coom1s/nsfw_mehmet_and_the_sultan_long_on_mobile_sorry/
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What’s the difference between a customer, a client and a patient?

If I have customers, I get $10/hr.  If I have clients, I get $100 an hour. If I have patients I get $1,000/hr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coolxy/whats_the_difference_between_a_customer_a_client/
%
There was once a cannibalistic Japanese serial killer who killed and ate my mother. I asked why he would do such a thing.

He said, I just love the taste of Umami.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cookr1/there_was_once_a_cannibalistic_japanese_serial/
%
Why did Epstein hang himself?

Bc a gunshot wound would’ve been too suspicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cookp7/why_did_epstein_hang_himself/
%
Give a man a fish and he'll feed his family for a day

Teach a man to fish...and over the course of the next few years more and more pieces of fishing equipment will disappear from your garage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cookmd/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_feed_his_family_for_a/
%
A small man is sitting in the club

, staring at a little cup he had in front of him. A big truck driver walked up to him looking for trouble. He took the cup and drank it. The small man looked at him, then started crying. The truck driver felt terrible. He said:
"Hey man, I was just joking. Here, I can buy you another."
The small man replied : "it's not that. It's just that my day has been terrible today. First I slept in and went to work late on an important day. My boss was furious and fired me. I went outside, and found that my car was stolen. The police told me they couldn't do anything about it. I called a cab and he drove me all the way to my house. I paid him and got out. After the cab drove away, I realized that i forgot my wallet in it. I walked in my house and saw my wife cheating on me with the gardener. I was just looking at this glass of poison wondering if I should end it all..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cooju7/a_small_man_is_sitting_in_the_club/
%
Two hunters are walking in the woods...

Two hunters are walking in the woods when suddenly, one of them collapses. So the other one calls 911 and says "Help! I think my friend just died"
The 911 operator says: "okay, stay calm sir. First, you have to make sure that he's dead"
Then, a gunshot is heard. The guy says "okay, what now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cooj7e/two_hunters_are_walking_in_the_woods/
%
A man went into a library and asked to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: 'Oh fuck off, I know you won't bring it back.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cooh20/a_man_went_into_a_library_and_asked_to_borrow_a/
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Wife asked me to take out a spider instead of killing it...

So I did, hit a few bars, dude is cool, wants to go into web design.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cooepv/wife_asked_me_to_take_out_a_spider_instead_of/
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What's the difference between Jeff Epstein and a cell phone battery?

I'm not happy when my cell phone battery dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cooc1f/whats_the_difference_between_jeff_epstein_and_a/
%
What is an epileptic’s favorite appetizer?

Seizure salad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coo9pv/what_is_an_epileptics_favorite_appetizer/
%
Why wasn't the village afraid of the fearsome, ejaculating giant?

They could see him coming from a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coo9fa/why_wasnt_the_village_afraid_of_the_fearsome/
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How does a 49er fan change a light bulb?

He doesn't he just talks about how great it use to be

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coo9df/how_does_a_49er_fan_change_a_light_bulb/
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This is kinda a long one

A dad decided to buy a lie detector and use it on his family at dinner one night. It beeps when a lie is said. The guy has a son, and a wife. “So” says the dad to the kid “what did you do at your friends house?” “Uh we went on his trampoline”. The lie detector beeped. “What did you really do?” “Fine we watched porn” the dad laughs and says “wow I didn’t even do that at your age” the lie detector beeps the mom says “wow you can tell he’s your son” the lie detector beeps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coo5v2/this_is_kinda_a_long_one/
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What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Going inside to ask for a coathanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coo5d2/whats_the_worst_part_about_locking_your_keys_in/
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I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it.

I think it was too mature for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coo3ho/i_met_jeffrey_epstein_once_it_was_only_a_brief/
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What do you call reports that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t actually hang himself but instead was murdered?

Fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coo17w/what_do_you_call_reports_that_jeffrey_epstein/
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What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones. But the people of Abu Dhabi doo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/const4/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
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From my 5 year old. Knock knock...

Who's there?
Cow
Cow who?
Cows don't say "who", they say "moo"!
I was cracking up :) such pride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/consol/from_my_5_year_old_knock_knock/
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Bad car accident

I was in a really horrid car accident last week. The police have been examining the skid-marks to investigate exactly what happened.
So far, they have figured out that the other driver was more scared than I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/conotn/bad_car_accident/
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You think swimming with dolphins is expensive?

You should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/conl4t/you_think_swimming_with_dolphins_is_expensive/
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A journalist is given a task to interview a man that lives in the mountains and get a funny story out of him.

So the journalist arrives and asks the man a question - "Tell me a funny story that happened in these mountains." The man with a smile on his face says - "I remember this like it was yesterday. Once a neighbour's goat got lost. We got some other men, got booze and food. Went out looking. Took a break, ate, drank. Found the goat and fucked it. The journalist says - "I don't think this story could be told to people. Any chance you know another story?" The man once again with a smile on his face says - "I remember this like it was yesterday. Once a neighbour's daughter got lost..." And he repeated the exact  same ending... Horrified, the journalist asked the man - "Well then perhaps you know a sad story?" With a smile disappearing from his face, the man says - "Once I got lost..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/conki0/a_journalist_is_given_a_task_to_interview_a_man/
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If you want to open a store, I recommend selling stoves

You'll immediately offer a range of hot products

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/concxg/if_you_want_to_open_a_store_i_recommend_selling/
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The pope, the president, a priest, a whore, a Frenchman and a schoolkid enters a bar

The bartender asks: is this a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cona6v/the_pope_the_president_a_priest_a_whore_a/
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A priest, a man and a child is on the helicopter while the helicopter had an accident.

There were only two parachutes on the helicopter, the man was selfish and grabbed a parachute for himself, he then grabbed the last one for the priest and yelled, "Father, your people need you!" The priest said, "What about the child?" The man replied, "Fuck the child!"
The priest calmly said, " Son, I'm afraid there is not enough time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/con9rh/a_priest_a_man_and_a_child_is_on_the_helicopter/
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What happened when Stalin had sex?

He had an ourgasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/con3o6/what_happened_when_stalin_had_sex/
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People say that Democrats and Republicans can't work together to get anything done.

But Jeffrey Epstein is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/comz5u/people_say_that_democrats_and_republicans_cant/
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People say having lots of kids is a hassle...

My basement says otherwise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/comwe5/people_say_having_lots_of_kids_is_a_hassle/
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What does John F. Kennedy and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?

We will never know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/compno/what_does_john_f_kennedy_and_jeffrey_epstein_have/
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Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal, Prostituties?

It doesn't go Snap, Crackle, Pop. It just lays there and Bangs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/comntr/did_you_hear_about_the_new_breakfast_cereal/
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What is brown and sticky?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/commdz/what_is_brown_and_sticky/
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Officers on Epstein's Suicide Watch did their jobs.

They watched the whole thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/comlsu/officers_on_epsteins_suicide_watch_did_their_jobs/
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Two students are waiting to give their oral test.

The first student's turn comes, and she goes inside
Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?
Student- I will open the window.
Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq.ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubic ft, the train is traveling at 60 miles/hr in the westerly direction and the speed of the wind is 20 ft/sec from the south, then how long will it take for the compartment to get cold?
The student can't answer. After coming out she tells that question to the second student.
The second student goes in and her test starts.
Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?
2nd Student- I will remove my jacket.
Examiner- It still is hot, then what?
Student- I will remove my shirt.
Examiner- It still is hot, then what?
Student- I will remove my pants.
Examiner (angrily)- What are you going to do next, take off all your clothes?
Student- Yes.
Examiner- If it still is hot, then what will you do?
Student- I will pour water on my naked body.
Examiner (Fuming)- And what if it's still hot and you nearly go unconscious?
Student- I will lie there all wet, butt naked, and dying a slow death, but will never ever open that god damned fucking window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/comk8x/two_students_are_waiting_to_give_their_oral_test/
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What did the fish say when he swam into a wall

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/comhrx/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_swam_into_a_wall/
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I don't know why Epstein had to chase after young girls. I'm sure grown women were impressed by his dick size.

After all, he was hung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/comhi4/i_dont_know_why_epstein_had_to_chase_after_young/
%
Its Been 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing bas changed.

Maybe its time I go there personally and find out what's wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/comh3y/its_been_7_months_since_i_joined_the_gym_and/
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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

See you next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/comfbi/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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What do you call a belt made of cash?

A waist of money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/comekp/what_do_you_call_a_belt_made_of_cash/
%
A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden box. Inside the box there is a polished wooden dildo. The owner says: this is a voodoo dick and will fuck anything on command - and continues to show the customer by saying "voodoo dick, the door". After the command the wooden dildo floats in the air and goes fucks the door until it breaks and doesn't stop until the owner says - voodoo dick, the box.
The businessman very amazed by the magical voodoo dick, he buys it immediately and takes it to his girlfriend and tells her that when she gets horny she just has to say voodoo dick, my pussy.
Then the man then continues to go on his trip with his mind at peace.
A couple days after the businessman leaves, his girlfriend gets really horny and decides to try the voodoo dick. She opens the box and says the command - voodoo dick my pussy - and the voodoo dick floats up and fucks her.
She is absolutely stunned by how good it feels.
She continues her masturbation session and when she feels like stopping she realises that she dlesnt know how to. She tries saying voodoo dick stop but it doesn't work, she tries voodoo dick enough and still no success.
After tryin a little bit longer, she decides to go to the hospital and get it somehow removed. She puts on a dress and hops in her car. The whole way she is moaning loudly and swaying on the road.
A cop sees her and pulls her over. Asks whats going on and the girl tells him the whole story about the magic floating wooden dick in her pussy. The cop takes a moment to think about it and says "yeah right, voodoo dick my ass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/comb4f/a_successful_bussinessman_has_a_work_trip_coming/
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Jokes about menstruation are not funny.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/com7ao/jokes_about_menstruation_are_not_funny/
%
After landing my new job as a Asda greeter, I lasted less than a day.

Here’s what happened:
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, chavy woman walked into the store along with her two kids, shouting and swearing at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Asda."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly chav woman stopped swearing long enough to say, "Don't be fucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone fucked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda."
My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/com3el/after_landing_my_new_job_as_a_asda_greeter_i/
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they'd be bagels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/colt3g/why_do_seagulls_live_by_the_sea/
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A maths teacher’s sexual fantasy?

3 sums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cols5j/a_maths_teachers_sexual_fantasy/
%
Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/colqgl/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
%
Jeffrey Epstein may be going to Hell...

But he still got his 72 virgins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/colm12/jeffrey_epstein_may_be_going_to_hell/
%
I think it’s safe to say Jeff Epstein’s last moments were somewhat calm and relaxed

He was just hanging out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/collke/i_think_its_safe_to_say_jeff_epsteins_last/
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I don’t know who Jeff Epstein is but be must’ve had a huge dong

I’ve been reading that he’s well hung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/colhsa/i_dont_know_who_jeff_epstein_is_but_be_mustve_had/
%
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb

Has to be more than 20 because my basement is still dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/colg6s/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A child asks his dad what gay meant.

Child: Dad, what does gay mean?
Dad: It means happy, son.
Child: Are you gay?
Dad: No, son. I have a wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/colccq/a_child_asks_his_dad_what_gay_meant/
%
Timmy’s parents asked him why he didn’t play games with Dave anymore

Timmy replied: would you want to play with someone who screams, swears and throws with his controller when he loses?
His parents: no, of course not!
Timmy: Well apparently Dave doesn’t either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/col7lh/timmys_parents_asked_him_why_he_didnt_play_games/
%
My dad would lock us on the closet for hours at a time.

He told us it was elevator training. Today, I was in an elevator, I nailed it!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/col7kf/my_dad_would_lock_us_on_the_closet_for_hours_at_a/
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I finally came out of the closet...

after my mom locked me in it after I told her I was gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cokz7c/i_finally_came_out_of_the_closet/
%
Why is everything so cheap in Alabama?

Because they get a family discount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cokz3t/why_is_everything_so_cheap_in_alabama/
%
Rich man tries to take his money with him.

A wealthy man decided he was going to try to take all of his money with him when he died. He got a large suitcase, filled it with cash, and put it in the attic. He was hoping to grab it on his way up to heaven. After he died, his family went up into the attic and saw that all his money was still sitting there. One of them said "well, he must have gone down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coktj0/rich_man_tries_to_take_his_money_with_him/
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New teacher joined in the school

Teacher- "Boys, tell me your names and hobbies"
1st boy- My name is Jack. My hobby is watching Moon .
2nd boy- My name is Harry. And my hobby is watching Moon .
3rd boy- My name is George & hobby is watching Moon .
Teacher- "wow nice nice, your hobbies are same ... Now girls' turn..."
1st girl- "Hello mam, my name is Moon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cokqtn/new_teacher_joined_in_the_school/
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Cupcakes

A little girl goes upstairs in her house, goes to the room where her aunt and uncle were staying. Cracks open the door and sees them having sex.
She runs downstairs and goes to her mom and says: "Mommy mommy! What is aunt and uncle doing?" Thinking quickly she replies: "Uhhh, they're making cupcakes!"
A week goes by, and the little girl runs downstairs up to her mom and exclaims: "Mommy mommy! You and dad made cupcakes last night didn't you!"
"Yes.... how do you know dear?"
"I LICKED THE FROSTING OFF OF THE COUCH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cokq2l/cupcakes/
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My friend told me he performs cremations.

I ask if he worked at a mourge. He responded, "No, I'm just a really bad cook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cokh2x/my_friend_told_me_he_performs_cremations/
%
A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.
“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”
The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.
“No, that’s our prize money.”
“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar compete in?”
The bartender shook his head and sighed, giving a monotone response. “No, that’s the prize money for anybody who’s able to complete the challenge we have set up in here. It’s been there for years, and nobody’s been able to complete it.”
The man, now with his interest piqued, asks the bartender, “Well lemme hear it. I bet whatever it is, if I’m leaving with a fat wallet it’ll be worth it.”
The bartender, gives the man a serious look in his eyes. “You sure about this?”
The man nodded. “I’m ready.”
The bartender then began explaining the challenge to the man. “There’s three parts to this challenge. Sitting on that ledge there is a bottle of Jack Daniels. First, you have to chug that, no pausing, no burping.”
The man, listening closely, gives the bartender a nod.
“Second,” the bartender continued, “There’s a rabid dog out back. You have to wrestle it and pin it within fifteen minutes. Naturally, this is where most people fail.”
The man, slightly nervous, nods yet again. “Go on.”
The bartender continued. “Lastly, there’s an Eskimo Woman upstairs. If you can get her to have sex with you, the money is yours.”
The man, now intent on getting the money, immediately runs over to the ledge, opening the bottle of Jack Daniels. He chugs it down as the rest of the bar silently watches, before slamming the empty bottle back down with watery eyes. The bartender points him to the back door, where he stumbles over to before heading out back.
Before long, the horrible sounds of the man yelling and groaning can be heard, only drowned out by the louder barks and growls of the rabid dog. The sounds go on for about ten minutes as the bar patrons and the bartender all watch the back door intently, prepared to dial 911 before everything in the back goes silent and the man stumbles back inside, his clothes torn, covered in blood and bruises. He looks at the bartender, and asks with slurred speech:
“Now where’s that Eskimo Woman I’m supposed to wrestle?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cokf4l/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_jar_full_of/
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Socks

After visiting family I flew home.  Later I had this exchange.
Aunt: You left a sock behind.  I can’t tell if it’s the left or right sock.  *laughs*
Me: Yup.  It’s the left sock.
Aunt: *stunned* How can you tell if it’s left or right?
Me:  it’s the sock I left...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cok6g9/socks/
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If the dove is the bird of peace, what’s the bird of true love?

The swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cok4jh/if_the_dove_is_the_bird_of_peace_whats_the_bird/
%
A boil killed itself.

It was a cyst did suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cok1tv/a_boil_killed_itself/
%
City counsel decides not to fine restaurant owner for digging a hole in his own establishment with a pickaxe...

They say he was just mining his own business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cok04y/city_counsel_decides_not_to_fine_restaurant_owner/
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What do yeast and Joffrey Lannister have in common?

They’re both in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cojzh8/what_do_yeast_and_joffrey_lannister_have_in_common/
%
Just a Cop and a Boy

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.  The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"  The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."  The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cojryl/just_a_cop_and_a_boy/
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What has a bunch of KKK’s and is still hated to this day?

Kim Khloe Kourtney Kris Kanye Kendall Kylie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cojpvb/what_has_a_bunch_of_kkks_and_is_still_hated_to/
%
Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read that in chapter 3, page 37 in a medical journal on Tuesday, November 2006 at 4:19PM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cojpgz/having_too_much_sex_can_cause_memory_loss/
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I've always liked this old David Lettermen quip; during the time of the 1994–95 baseball strike. "I know we all feel bad for those ball players though"

"They'll have to stay home and have sex with their own wives for a change."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cojihw/ive_always_liked_this_old_david_lettermen_quip/
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I saw a small colony of ants

So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house for them out of a cardboard box.
This technically makes me their landlord and they are my...
Tenants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cojeir/i_saw_a_small_colony_of_ants/
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dear friend i saw you in my dreams the other day

it was a vivid dream and i saw you dying in front of me, hit by a car while crossing the road.
it made me really sad. the dream continued and i was now in the cemetery and there was a light emanating from your grave. we were all astonished and ....
what ?
you think you are some holy shit ?
turned out one of the headlight of the car who hit you was stuck in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cojduz/dear_friend_i_saw_you_in_my_dreams_the_other_day/
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What do you call a friend that you can rely on to deliver all the advertising material?

A brochure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cojc8a/what_do_you_call_a_friend_that_you_can_rely_on_to/
%
Jeffery Epstein committed suicide on suicide watch.

Everyone was surprised!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cojbah/jeffery_epstein_committed_suicide_on_suicide_watch/
%
Sorry Girls i'm taken

Taken a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coj6ft/sorry_girls_im_taken/
%
The time to fight against climate change is upon us, and this sub is setting fantastic examples.

Everything here is recycled anyway...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coj5cr/the_time_to_fight_against_climate_change_is_upon/
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If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coj45m/if_your_surprised_that_jeffrey_epstein_commited/
%
What do you call a rich, spoilt & entitled kid from Bratislava?

A Brat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coixt3/what_do_you_call_a_rich_spoilt_entitled_kid_from/
%
Blind man and cheese grater

A blind guy gets a cheese grater as a present for his birth day.
A few weeks later he met the person who gifted it to him.
He says "I loved the book you got me for my birthday,but it was really violent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coix9g/blind_man_and_cheese_grater/
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What do you call a prostitute who collects too many things?

A whore, duh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coiwv2/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_who_collects_too/
%
If your Cell Phone is water damaged, try submerging it in rice overnight.

This should attract Asians, who will fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coivsq/if_your_cell_phone_is_water_damaged_try/
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Out of town trial

A lawyer tries a case out of town, accompanied by his corporate client. After the case is given to the jury, the lawyer and his client wait for the verdict, which doesn't come in for days. After the second day, the lawyer the tells his client to go home, and he'll let him know as soon as the verdict comes in. The client goes home, but pesters the lawyer every hour or so by text message for an update (of which there is none, of course). Finally, the jury comes back with a verdict in the client's favor.
Still sitting in the courtroom, the lawyer texts his client "Justice has been served." The client shoots right back "Appeal immediately."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coiswz/out_of_town_trial/
%
I found a note from my wife on the fridge...

It said "this doesn't work anymore, I'm going to my mom's"
I opened the fridge and it worked just fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coiru6/i_found_a_note_from_my_wife_on_the_fridge/
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My twin brother always takes the stairs, but I prefer the elevator.

I guess....we are raised differently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coirpd/my_twin_brother_always_takes_the_stairs_but_i/
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Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coiovm/why_did_the_baker_have_brown_hands/
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Jailhouse humor

A new inmate showed up at the state prison to start serving his fifty year sentence. After getting through the preliminaries with his cellmate, he settles in. After a bit, he hears a shout outside the cell, "Number twelve!", and everybody on the block laughed uproariously. A few minutes later, some else shouts "Number seventy two!" Again, gales of laughter.
The newbie asks his cellmate "what gives?" The cellmate responds "we've all been here so long, we know all the jokes there are. So we just give 'em numbers, to cut to the chase." The newbie asks "can I try?" and the cellmate shrugs.
So the newbie shouts out "number 121!" Silence. He looks at the cellmate, who says simply "you told it wrong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coiosb/jailhouse_humor/
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I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coinit/i_heard_the_republican_party_is_considering/
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Honey why do you always stand by the window when I sing?

It's so the neighbours don't think I am beating you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coim9z/honey_why_do_you_always_stand_by_the_window_when/
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Why is smoking good for the environment?

Because it kills humans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coikf9/why_is_smoking_good_for_the_environment/
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Why did the pear turn itself into juice?

Because of the pear pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coik3k/why_did_the_pear_turn_itself_into_juice/
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How does The Rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coijdf/how_does_the_rock_pee/
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Are you single

A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant,"Are you single?"
Happily I replied," Yess....."
She took away the extra chair in front of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coii6q/are_you_single/
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My dad said he only wants one thing straight..

Me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coihjc/my_dad_said_he_only_wants_one_thing_straight/
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Why was the mushroom invited to the party

Because he's a fungi *bdum tsssss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coifhq/why_was_the_mushroom_invited_to_the_party/
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What's the most effective method of suicide?

Supplying the POTUS and the Royal Family with underage girls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coiduh/whats_the_most_effective_method_of_suicide/
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Did you hear about Antonio Brown's wedding?

He got cold feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coi7z1/did_you_hear_about_antonio_browns_wedding/
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What does the subatomic duck say?

Quark!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coi5pv/what_does_the_subatomic_duck_say/
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What do you get if you cross The Queen and The Donald?

You get murdered in a prison cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coi0hl/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_the_queen_and_the/
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The FDA just approved a new herbicide that only targets seedlings.

It's called Plant B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cohzpi/the_fda_just_approved_a_new_herbicide_that_only/
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Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because his dick was stuck in the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cohqj5/why_did_the_pervert_cross_the_road/
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[NSFW] A man walks into a police station...

He walks up to the counter and says to the officer “I want to report a rape.”
“A rape?” The officer asks.
“Yes” says the man, “I’ve been raped by an elephant”
“An elephant? Have you any proof of this?”
“I do.” The man then pulls his pants down to reveal his now massive asshole.
“Ok.. Wait in this room while I call a doctor”
An hour later a doctor arrives and asks; “Are you the guy who’s allegedly been raped by an elephant?”
Annoyed, the man responds; “I haven’t allegedly been raped by an elephant, I actually have been raped by an elephant, take a look.” The man then once again pulls down his pants down and shows the doctor.
After a few minutes of examining him the doctor says; “this doesn’t seem possible, sir. An elephant’s penis is only 4 inches wide and your anus is much, much wider than that.”
“That may be so, but the bastard fingered me first!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cohmgs/nsfw_a_man_walks_into_a_police_station/
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My dad has colon cancer

It's shitty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cohlfw/my_dad_has_colon_cancer/
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A guy walks into a quiet bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar.
He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cohimr/a_guy_walks_into_a_quiet_bar/
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A blind man walks into a department store with his seeing-eye dog.

He walks to the middle of the store, bends down and firmly grasps the dog's collar, then yanks the dog into the air and starts whipping it around it in circles above his head.
A salesperson sees this happening and runs over to the blind man.
"Sir!  Sir!  Is there something I can help you with?" he asks.
"No thanks," says the blind man, "I'm just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cohh28/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_department_store_with/
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To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone.

There's someone behind you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coheic/to_everyone_out_there_suffering_from_anxiety_you/
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The second coming. NSFW

One Sunday morning, a woman walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. She says "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest replies, "Tell me what you have done my daughter, and by gods grace you will be forgiven." So she confesses to the priest, "I have become pregnant, and I believe it is the second coming." In a bit of confusion, the priest asks her, "Why do you think it's because of the second coming?" She answers, "Because I swallowed the first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cohdgu/the_second_coming_nsfw/
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A man approached me and told me he was a chef

He asked if I had spices among other ingredients to make a nice dish so I obliged. He began mixing some of the said spices and I allowed it, thinking it was to make mixed spice, then he got one of them and poured it on the floor.
It was then I realized he was wasting my thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cohcr4/a_man_approached_me_and_told_me_he_was_a_chef/
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Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ...

...It’s a grave issue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cohc0v/our_local_cemetery_is_running_out_of_spaces/
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TIFU by giving my wife a gluestick instead of chapstick

She still isn't talking to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cohbm7/tifu_by_giving_my_wife_a_gluestick_instead_of/
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How does the cereal killer kill his victims?

With a snap, crackle and pop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coh5rv/how_does_the_cereal_killer_kill_his_victims/
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There are two kinds of people

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete information

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coh5h2/there_are_two_kinds_of_people/
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It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coh5fr/its_now_7_months_since_i_joined_the_gym_and/
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I can’t define “NSFW”

But apparent HR knows it when then see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coh4kq/i_cant_define_nsfw/
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I used to rub and tie my hair together whenever I got stressed.

Now I’m dreading the consequences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coh1mv/i_used_to_rub_and_tie_my_hair_together_whenever_i/
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Doctor: Sam, I'm very sorry but you have to stop masturbating.

Sam: What? Why?
Doctor: Because I'm talking to you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coh1i5/doctor_sam_im_very_sorry_but_you_have_to_stop/
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How do you make 2lbs of ugly fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cogxus/how_do_you_make_2lbs_of_ugly_fat_attractive/
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Tomorrow I have to pick up my mate from prison, the idiot got caught stealing a calendar.

It was alright, he only got 12 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cogx91/tomorrow_i_have_to_pick_up_my_mate_from_prison/
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A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a Bank.

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got " the man said.
The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a __sperm__ bank."
"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"
The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.
"Open one of those samples!"
The woman takes the lid off a sample.
"DRINK ONE!"
"Excuse me? You want me to drink it?"
"Yeah, drink it now!"
The woman, frightened, picks up the sample and drinks it down. The man then removes his ski mask and says:
"You see you can do it Wendy, you just don't want to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cogwvw/a_man_wearing_a_ski_mask_and_carrying_a_gun/
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I get the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' mixed up.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coguq2/i_get_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_mixed_up/
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Why do Scotsmen never call a plumber?

Because they are pipers themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cogssv/why_do_scotsmen_never_call_a_plumber/
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My girlfriend left me because I'm outdated.

Now I'm listening to the cassette tape I made for her while crying into my typewriter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coglox/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_im_outdated/
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What does a cannibal after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipes his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cogjm9/what_does_a_cannibal_after_he_dumps_his_girlfriend/
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Why are stadiums so cool?

Because they're filled with fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coggxv/why_are_stadiums_so_cool/
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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr sheep, don't do heroin! Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!"
The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing, and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr tiger, don't drink beer! Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!"
The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw and starts mauling the shit out of this rabbit!
The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they shout, "Dude, what the fuck? He was just trying to help you!"
The tiger turns to them and say, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cogg1q/a_rabbit_is_hopping_through_the_woods_hop_hop_hop/
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What do you call a girl that alludes to how many dudes she'll sleep with?

Whoreshadowing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cogdmz/what_do_you_call_a_girl_that_alludes_to_how_many/
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A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus,

The bartender says "Don’t you mean a Martini?"
The Roman then says "Look,if I want a double I’ll ask for one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cogdlg/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_martinus/
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How many vegans does it take to eat a cheese and bacon burger?

One, if noone is watching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cogdfg/how_many_vegans_does_it_take_to_eat_a_cheese_and/
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Did you know kim jung-un doesnt cry at funerals?

Hes un-bereaveable...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cogc15/did_you_know_kim_jungun_doesnt_cry_at_funerals/
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What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?

A oui lad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cog9yt/what_do_you_call_a_little_boy_whos_half_french/
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Do you know what the hardest part of becoming a vegetarian is?

To quit cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cog9lb/do_you_know_what_the_hardest_part_of_becoming_a/
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What is white and has delusions of grandeur?

The average sperm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofz5f/what_is_white_and_has_delusions_of_grandeur/
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I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofz0v/i_bought_a_dog_off_a_blacksmith_today/
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My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances

Well, she's in for a shock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofw6y/my_girlfriend_says_im_hopeless_at_fixing/
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This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go With His Friends. Then He Does This.

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go
With His Friends. Then He Does This.
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for
many years.
A few days before the group's annual departure date,
John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't
going. John's fishing buddies are very upset that he
can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find
John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood
gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, drinking a
cold beer.
"Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you
talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday
evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife
came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and
asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there
she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom,
where she'd lit candles and put rose petals all over the
place. Well, she's been reading '50 Shades of Grey.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me
to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.
So, boys, here I am!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofkm7/this_mans_wife_wouldnt_let_him_go_with_his/
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*clone of me* quick! shoot her! she’s the clone!

my friend who’s known me since birth: ...
my friend who knows every aspect of me: ...
my boyfriend: ...
my sister: ...
my brother: ...
everyone consecutively:  you’re the clone! she would never pass up an opportunity to die!
me: so close.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofgva/clone_of_me_quick_shoot_her_shes_the_clone/
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Her: “baby, undress me with your words”

Me: “there’s a spider on your bra”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofgr7/her_baby_undress_me_with_your_words/
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What kind of bee drugs you and steals your money?

A Cardi B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coffmy/what_kind_of_bee_drugs_you_and_steals_your_money/
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What did one nervous boob say to the other nervous boob?

“If we don’t get some support people are gonna think we’re nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coffjp/what_did_one_nervous_boob_say_to_the_other/
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Why is Ireland so rich?

Because it's capital is Dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofezr/why_is_ireland_so_rich/
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God said to John: come forth and gain eternal life

John came fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofel3/god_said_to_john_come_forth_and_gain_eternal_life/
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You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofdod/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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What do you call a rooster looking at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofcdh/what_do_you_call_a_rooster_looking_at_a_pile_of/
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What do both vegans & lesbians seem to agree upon?

Sausages aren't fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofc32/what_do_both_vegans_lesbians_seem_to_agree_upon/
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The boy was convicted of murdering his parents

On the day of sentencing when Judge asked to say him something, the boy said "have mercy on me, your honor, I'm an orphan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofbof/the_boy_was_convicted_of_murdering_his_parents/
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What animal is 80% wool?

A woolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofb04/what_animal_is_80_wool/
%
Simba was walking too slow.

So I told him to Mufasa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofarx/simba_was_walking_too_slow/
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-It’s not the look that counts, but what is inside.

-OK, but to convince me, you need to provide an example.
-Fridge.
-You got me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cofaj1/its_not_the_look_that_counts_but_what_is_inside/
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My nephew was born the other day without eyelids so they had to use the skin of his circumcision.

They said he will be okay, he will just be a little cock-eyed.
I hope he doesn’t grow up to be a real dick head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cof86v/my_nephew_was_born_the_other_day_without_eyelids/
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One day a boy asks his mother

“Why are you white and I’m black”
His mother replies,
“Son, what I can recall from that party, you are lucky you don’t bark”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cof4aj/one_day_a_boy_asks_his_mother/
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What do Canadians say when exchanging gifts?

Just giver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cof3cx/what_do_canadians_say_when_exchanging_gifts/
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A cannibal is on trial, and with insurmountable evidence against him he stands and delivers his final argument.

Your honour, I’m not a cannibal, I’m a humanitarian!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cof3bm/a_cannibal_is_on_trial_and_with_insurmountable/
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What does a cannibal get when he/she's late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coexcn/what_does_a_cannibal_get_when_heshes_late_for/
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I was addicted to the hokey pokey once...

but then I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coesjd/i_was_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey_once/
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A small village in rural Uganda came up with a brilliant solution to their monkey infestation.

They dug a deep hole, filled it with the ashes from their cooking fire and surrounded the hole all around with peas.
When a monkey would come up to take a pea, the villagers would kick it in the ash hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coeop9/a_small_village_in_rural_uganda_came_up_with_a/
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I’m so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coemop/im_so_good_at_sleeping/
%
An old cannibal saying:

"The more you eat, the lonelier you get."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coel6v/an_old_cannibal_saying/
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What’s it called when a cannonball is shot and lands in the barrel of another canon?

Cannonbalism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coeib8/whats_it_called_when_a_cannonball_is_shot_and/
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom?

Because they’re extinct moron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coei36/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_use_the_restroom/
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A man is on trial for cannibalism

Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am the victim here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coehm0/a_man_is_on_trial_for_cannibalism/
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What’s a guys favorite sleeping position?

Around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coee7d/whats_a_guys_favorite_sleeping_position/
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Why do married men have pot bellies?

When single men get home they see what’s  in the fridge and then go to bed...
When married men get home they see what’s in the bed and then go to the fridge...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coec9e/why_do_married_men_have_pot_bellies/
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If the nearest gas station is 15 kilometers away and the standard walking speed is 5.7 mph,

then why did it take my dad 30 years to buy some milk?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coe4y1/if_the_nearest_gas_station_is_15_kilometers_away/
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A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.
The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.
Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.
The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.
“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”
“Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.
“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”
“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coe1hy/a_mailman_notices_a_mailbox_with_the_flag_up/
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Why do you never see black people on cruises?

They’re not falling for that one again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/codzv9/why_do_you_never_see_black_people_on_cruises/
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Hey did you hear about he Italian chef that died

Yeah last night he pastaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/codzo3/hey_did_you_hear_about_he_italian_chef_that_died/
%
Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/codvcs/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
%
A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life (NSFW)

The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this? The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/codt83/a_husband_and_wife_decide_they_need_to_spice_up/
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Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain

One of the ladies reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom.
"Helen! What in the world is that for?!" says the other lady.
"Well, just watch this" Helen says before she cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette. "This way they don't get soggy!"
The second old lady is pretty impressed and walks right down to the corner store and into the condom aisle.
The teenaged clerk asks "Can I help you with something?"
"Well yes, I'm looking for a pack of condoms"
"Well they come in a lot of sizes", says the clerk. "What size do you want"
"Oh, just big enough to fit a camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/codo46/two_old_ladies_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
Got mugged by six dwarves last night...

Not Happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/codmcr/got_mugged_by_six_dwarves_last_night/
%
What's the difference between a pimple and a priest?

The pimple waits till you're 13 to come on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/codjg0/whats_the_difference_between_a_pimple_and_a_priest/
%
“Daddy, I inherited my intelligence from you, right?”

“That’s 	right my clever girl!”
“Makes total sense! Mom’s so lucky she's still got hers!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coddly/daddy_i_inherited_my_intelligence_from_you_right/
%
Me: Did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: Really?
Me: I think so.
Guy Fieri: That’s interesting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cod7hz/me_did_you_know_that_abbreviating_names_can_be/
%
Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels

I'm going to call it "responsibly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cod764/thinking_of_starting_a_liquor_brand_and_getting/
%
Why was the cookie sad?

Because his dad was a wafer too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cod3ux/why_was_the_cookie_sad/
%
So a couple go to a spiritual healer...

...and they ask him to cure their illnesses. The healer says he will, but they must put their hand on the part of their body they want healed.
The wife proceeds to put her hand on her throat, as she has had a sore throat which won't go away. Looking at his wife, the husband then proceeds to place his hand on his crotch.
The wife looks and then says: "Honey, he said he will treat our illnesses, not raise the dead."
Joke courtesy of Sadhguru, although I have modified a bit of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cod32t/so_a_couple_go_to_a_spiritual_healer/
%
I realized recently I have an eating disorder.

I eat dis order, I eat dat order

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cocuua/i_realized_recently_i_have_an_eating_disorder/
%
How do you get Dick from Richard?

You could start with supper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coctp8/how_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
%
In Alabama we don’t do reverse cowgirl

You don’t turn your back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cocpo6/in_alabama_we_dont_do_reverse_cowgirl/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coci8i/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
I always feel like I’m the smartest person in the room

I’m very lonely :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coci6t/i_always_feel_like_im_the_smartest_person_in_the/
%
There was once a homeless man in a small town

Everybody knew him, everybody liked him, he never bothered anybody, until one day someone saw him down by the beach catching an osprey and cooking it up, and they called the cops. The cops arrived as he was finishing his meal, telling him "ospreys are protected animals around here. Sorry, but we gotta take you in." At his sentencing, the judge said "we all like you, you're a nice guy, but I gotta give you a sentence of 25 hours of community service." The judge banged his gavel, but as the defendant was shuffling out, the judge asked "may I have a small sidebar with the defendant?" The judge took him aside and asked, "just between us, what does osprey taste like, anyway?" The man replied, "actually, it tastes just about the same as bald eagle does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coccva/there_was_once_a_homeless_man_in_a_small_town/
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Savvy investors know that this is the time of year to invest in companies that sell supplies for school-goers.

This year, look out for companies like Colt, Smith & Wesson, and Ruger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coccsi/savvy_investors_know_that_this_is_the_time_of/
%
A trans woman complained about having her makeup done without her consent.

"I told him not to do it but he did anyway!"
But the guy who did her makeup told his side of the story:
"You DID consent. I asked if I could do it and your exact words were 'I'll pass, thanks.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coc515/a_trans_woman_complained_about_having_her_makeup/
%
What phrase can both be said during sex and at a minigolf course?

Off to the next hole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coc22j/what_phrase_can_both_be_said_during_sex_and_at_a/
%
"Remember that funny knock-knock joke?"

"Doesn't ring a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coc1up/remember_that_funny_knockknock_joke/
%
A husband, wife, and son arrive at the entrance to an English royal palace for an evening dinner...

Before each guest enters the palace, a butler formally introduces each family to the guests with an announcement. As the family approaches the butler at the entrance, the butler asks:
Butler: “And your family name, sir?”
Husband: “Bates”
The butler opens the door and with loud and eloquent speech, announces:
Butler: “Dear guests, I would like to introduce to you, Mr and Mrs Bates, and their son, Master Bates.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cobwsm/a_husband_wife_and_son_arrive_at_the_entrance_to/
%
There are 3 types of people in this world...

...those who can count,
and those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cobsjr/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?

Linoleum Blownapart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cobr65/what_do_you_get_when_you_throw_a_hand_grenade/
%
Trump said he could murder someone in broad daylight and not lose any supporters.

Sadly, that was the last time he ever told the truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cobnx0/trump_said_he_could_murder_someone_in_broad/
%
Being a porn actress is a horrible career choice.

You work for a dick and you can’t retire until after 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cobl2j/being_a_porn_actress_is_a_horrible_career_choice/
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Do yall realize a woman's "I'll be ready in 5 mins"

Is exactly the same as a man's "I'll be home in 5 mins"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cobhka/do_yall_realize_a_womans_ill_be_ready_in_5_mins/
%
My priest performed a baptism on an airplane

It was a blessing in da skies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cobfwu/my_priest_performed_a_baptism_on_an_airplane/
%
What's the number one cause of dry skin in the US

.
towels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cobfp2/whats_the_number_one_cause_of_dry_skin_in_the_us/
%
Why did James Corden move to America?

Because he wasn’t funny in England

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cobeo7/why_did_james_corden_move_to_america/
%
How does a pirate protect his booty?

By arrming his alarrrm system!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cobekb/how_does_a_pirate_protect_his_booty/
%
I was disappointed with my visit to the home of toothbrush inventor.

There was no plaque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cobbro/i_was_disappointed_with_my_visit_to_the_home_of/
%
Why did the mad scientist smell so lovely?

He cologned himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coba8t/why_did_the_mad_scientist_smell_so_lovely/
%
A man is on trial for cannibalism

.
He says to the judge,
"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cob6ki/a_man_is_on_trial_for_cannibalism/
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Doctor1: We have to operate on this patient immediately! Doctor2: Why, what does he have?

Money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cob51n/doctor1_we_have_to_operate_on_this_patient/
%
Why did Michael Jackson love twenty six year olds?

Because there were twenty of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cob1jr/why_did_michael_jackson_love_twenty_six_year_olds/
%
This happened in the old South

A rich white woman calls the captain of a ship that docked in her port town and tells him: "Captain, I am having a high end party tonight. I have six young daughters. I'd like you to send six handsome and fit sailors to my home to dance with and entertain my daughters. I will compensate you well. Just make sure there are no Jews among those sailors." "OK, ma'am, I will personally make sure there are no Jews."
During the party, there is a knock on the door. The woman opens and sees six handsome and fit black sailors. "This...must be some mistake" "No ma'am, Captain Horowitz doesn't make mistakes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cob11b/this_happened_in_the_old_south/
%
What did the tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cob114/what_did_the_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
NSFW:If God didnt intend for man to eat pussy

He wouldn't have made it look so much like a taco.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coaysj/nsfwif_god_didnt_intend_for_man_to_eat_pussy/
%
Mr. S is talking to Mr.B

First time telling a joke here. A bit dry but I find it funny
Mr. S is talking to Mr.B
Mr.B your bathroom is the same exact size like my bathroom. I need to buy tiles, how many boxes did you get when you did yours?
Mr.B: 20 boxes of tiles!
A week later
Mr.S tells Mr.B : Hey asshole! I did the tiles in my bathroom and I got stuck with 7 extra boxes
Mr.B: Me too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coaxou/mr_s_is_talking_to_mrb/
%
I made a new playlist. It's got music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

It's my trail mix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coawrc/i_made_a_new_playlist_its_got_music_from_peanuts/
%
I took the HOV lane underground, when suddenly my hands started cramping on the steering wheel.

Must be my carpool tunnel syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coas22/i_took_the_hov_lane_underground_when_suddenly_my/
%
The watchman

Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that read, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coao24/the_watchman/
%
I ended up becoming a prostitute as a result of a poor upbringing. Even though my parents weren’t rich...

I come from money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coalkl/i_ended_up_becoming_a_prostitute_as_a_result_of_a/
%
A mathematician, physicist and an engineer...

... are trying to measure a building.
The mathematician tries to calculate the height of the building by using angle of elevation.
The physicist throws an egg off the top of the building and tries using the time it takes to fall.
The engineer walks up to the owner of the building and asks them how tall it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coal0g/a_mathematician_physicist_and_an_engineer/
%
Asian man goes to the eye doctor.

Doctor says"You have a cateract." Asian man says "No, I have a rincoln continental."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coakwy/asian_man_goes_to_the_eye_doctor/
%
My doctor told me today that I was too sweet.

Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coak05/my_doctor_told_me_today_that_i_was_too_sweet/
%
I just took the best shit at work. I didn't even have to wipe.

I can't wait until my boss sees it on his desk Monday morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coaiqu/i_just_took_the_best_shit_at_work_i_didnt_even/
%
My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are…

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coag2d/my_wife_and_i_often_laugh_about_how_competitive/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10, but also imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coa954/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
What did the police officer say to the hand?

Stop! You are under a wrist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coa6si/what_did_the_police_officer_say_to_the_hand/
%
A woman walks into Harrods.

She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to  inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her: Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coa60z/a_woman_walks_into_harrods/
%
In the Empire of China, under the reign of Emperor Taizong...

In the Empire of China, under the reign of Emperor Taizong, a young courtier resided in the noble palace. This courtier, in particular, was known to be considerably disliked by the rest of the court, on account of rumors about the true nature of his parentage (it was alleged that his mother had been impregnated by a base commoner who had been able to slip past the guards of his father's manor house). While they would never stoop to an assassination attempt, the nobles generally agreed that the boy was an embarrassment, and that something must be done to remove him from the court to spare the Emperor from his unsightly existence.
One of the higher-ranking nobles was able to catch the Emperor's ear, and suggested to his Heavenly Majesty that it might be advisable for the king to map out some of his southern provinces in greater detail, and that a trusted advisor should accomplish the work- someone like young Lu Zhishen, who had served the Emperor well and was likely suited to such a task. The Emperor agreed to this, and before long Lu Zhishen was forced to pack his bags and set out to the South.
Lu Zhishen first stopped in a village named Shānjiǎo, which means Mountain Foot. The beds there were rough, the people spoke in an uncouth manner, and there was little to no of the luxury he had become accustomed to. As his retainers bargained for supplies and scouted out the local woods. Lu Zhishen felt a restlessness creep over him, and resolved to inspect the village himself, to determine anything of interest that might befit the attention of the Emperor. He left his room, and, upon surveying the village for a few minutes, noted a few strange anomalies. Firstly, there were no young men of his age. There were boys, older men, and the elderly, and girls of every age, but it seemed as if all the young men between twenty and thirty summers of age had mysteriously vanished. Secondly, as he inspected the tall mountain range for which the village was named, he noted a strange red shape high up along the winding path through the mountains.
Pulling aside an old man, he interrogated him for answers.
"Old man, what is up on that mountain, and why can I find no young men within this village?"
The old man smiled his toothy grin, and replied thus:
"Upon that mountain is the temple of the Buddha. Once the young men here reach twenty years of age, they are required to climb that mountain and spend ten years in the temple along with the other monks there."
"Ten years!" Lu Zhishen exclaimed. "And what do they accomplish while they are up there? Do they debate, or read scripture?"
The old man shook his head. "They meditate, in utter silence. Once a man steps foot through the gateway of the temple, he must not speak another word until a decade has passed."
Stunned and fascinated by this, Lu Zhishen returned to his quarters, where he took a meager meal and rested until the morning. When he woke up, he left the inn only to find that the town was nearly empty, devoid of any inhabitants. Returning to the innkeeper, he inquired about this.
"They are likely waiting out in their fields," the innkeeper replied. "It is the harvest day- the day of the reaping."
"Waiting?" Lu Zhishen replied. "There are only so many hours in the day to work- whatever are they waiting for?"
"The monks," the innkeeper replied. "It is customary for the monks to begin the reaping."
Lu Zhishen walked to the fields, and sure enough watched as a chain of orange-clothed monks descended down the mountain. Meanwhile, the farmers all stood idle in their fields, watching the group slowly descend. All this was quite irritating to Lu Zhishen, but he kept quiet as the ritual proceeded. Finally, the monks arrived, each carrying boxes from which emanated a delicious smell. All at once, the monks stood at attention, and with the ringing of a bell from the center monk (who Lu Zhishen determined to be an abbot or leader of some kind), all of them shouted "Time to harvest!"
All at once, all of the farmers sprung to work- some cutting their fields, others sampling the food the monks had brought. Meanwhile, the monks broke into fevered discussion- amongst themselves, and to the farmers. This confused Lu Zhishen greatly, and so he turned to a nearby farmer.
"Doesn't it break their vows to shout and speak like that?"
The farmer shrugged. "You'd think so, but apparently not. The abbot only permits speech now, and only he knows why. You could've asked the old abbot, but unfortunately, he died a month ago."
The next day, Lu Zhishen set off on his journey to map the rest of the South. He encountered many more adventures, most of which are too long and too complex to be fully detailed here. There were many things that seemed strange or obscure, but none so much as that peculiar farming ritual he had observed his first week in Shānjiǎo. He puzzled it over in his head for months on end, but could never come to a conclusion as to why such a flagrant violation would be allowed under the laws of the monastery.
A year after he left, Lu Zhishen once more returned to Shānjiǎo, once more upon the day of the reap. Once more, the monks descended from the mountain, and once more the same peculiar ritual was observed. Lu Zhishen refrained from interacting this time, instead doing his best to guess at the intentions of the abbot. After the reaping, he rushed to the abbot's side and begged him to explain this contradiction, but the abbot only smiled and touched his lips, bound to silence as they all were.
Lu Zhishen rode for seven more years, growing into a man. After years of arduous labor, he completed his map of the south, and began to ride north, on the verge of fulfilling his promise to the emperor. All thoughts of the monks and their strange ritual escaped from his mind, until, one day, as he rode through Shānjiǎo, he was accosted by an old man.
"Lu Zhishen!" yelled the man. "It's me- the farmer you spoke to! The old abbot has retired! Now's your chance to ask him!"
Intrigued, Lu Zhishen immediately tied up his horse and went to the old abbot's cottage, where the same man he'd tried to speak to seven years earlier now sat, slowly drinking a pot of stew. Lu Zhishen bowed heavily.
"Grandfather," he said. "I have seen your rituals, but there is one question that has always eluded me: why do you allow your monks to speak on the days of the reaping?"
The old man smiled, and gave this simple answer: "My son, to be a good host, one must engage their guests in conversation. And as any scholar of the Buddha would tell you, reap hosting is an excellent way to accumulate Karma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coa52c/in_the_empire_of_china_under_the_reign_of_emperor/
%
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

does it **HAVE** to be a group activity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coa2to/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I thought I was funny and original

but Reddit taught me that I'm a reposting nobody who'll get bigger reactions by yelling my posts out in public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coa16l/i_thought_i_was_funny_and_original/
%
What do you say to a one legged hitch hiker

Hop in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coa0yt/what_do_you_say_to_a_one_legged_hitch_hiker/
%
Did you here about the canine pianist?

His name is Barch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/coa0du/did_you_here_about_the_canine_pianist/
%
For a long time, I’ve been trying to understand roundabouts.

It feels like I’m just going in circles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co9wx8/for_a_long_time_ive_been_trying_to_understand/
%
When Chuck Norris attends a feminisms rally

He comes back with his shirt ironed and a sandwich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co9t6b/when_chuck_norris_attends_a_feminisms_rally/
%
An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.
The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know this! It's a peppermint!" The teacher is extremely pleased and proceeds to the next student, Steve. She takes out a piece of butterscotch from her bag and hands it to Steve. Steve puts in in his mouth and kind of ponders for a second. After a little spell of silence, Steve's eyes light up and he yells, "My grandma hands me these all the time, it's butterscotch!" The teachers proclaims, "Excellent job, Steve!"
The teacher walks over to a third student, Timmy, and hands him a Hershey Kiss. Timmy puts in in his mouth and has absolutely no clue what he is eating. He's quiet for a long enough time for the teacher to say, "I'll give you a hint; it's something your dad asks your mom for every night before bed."
Steve interjects almost immediately, "SPIT IT OUT TIMMY! IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co9qrx/an_elementary_school_teacher_decided_hand_out/
%
What do you call an online Soviet nickname

a USSRname

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co9q3k/what_do_you_call_an_online_soviet_nickname/
%
The Russian President doesnt even have a russian accent...

he's just Putin' it on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co9o8v/the_russian_president_doesnt_even_have_a_russian/
%
What's Forrest Gump's Password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co9nni/whats_forrest_gumps_password/
%
I’ve decided to become an organ donor...

That way when I die an elephant gets a new trunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co9kr7/ive_decided_to_become_an_organ_donor/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature

I’d have so many hotwheels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co9koj/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_called/
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My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.
He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people buy them, but I figured it was just a hobby and didn't think too much about it. I once asked him what he did for a living.
"Eggs," he said. "I sell Ukranian eggs."
For context, he drove a fancy car, took long holidays to exotic places, and generally seemed to be quite well off, so I was pretty surprised to hear he made all his money off of selling little dyed eggs out of his garden. They must have fetched pretty high prices...
One day I got home and there were police all around my neighbour's house. They'd arrested him. Turns out he'd been money laundering.
That egg stand? It was a shell corporation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co9cr0/my_neighbour_used_to_sell_ukranian_eggs/
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I sexually identify as Michael Jackson

My pronouns are he/hee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co9c1n/i_sexually_identify_as_michael_jackson/
%
Executor of the will.

The police had no problem letting me enter the crime scene when I told them I was the executor of the will. I do feel bad, though. Will was a great guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co94n5/executor_of_the_will/
%
Two friends are drinking in a bar

They are already very drunk when the first friend suggest they go to a brothel. The other one agrees and they call a cab. In the way, the second friend passes out in the back of the cab from all the alcohol, so the first guy decides to call the night. He tells the cab driver that his mother lives a few blocks from where they are as ask him to drop them there. Friend 1 then helps his pal getting out of the car and rings the bell of his mom's house. When the mom shows up in slippers and a robe, the drunker friend looks at her and says:
- what kind of brothel is this? What an ugly hooker
- your fucking idiot, have some respect, this is my mother
- ohh ok then...so I'll fuck her, but only to be polite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co933x/two_friends_are_drinking_in_a_bar/
%
Why are female orgasms so different from men's?

Because their O varies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co8wqc/why_are_female_orgasms_so_different_from_mens/
%
I stole a girl's heart

I'm now under cardiac arrest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co8ttp/i_stole_a_girls_heart/
%
A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

The price is 25 cents per condom, so he buys 4.  When he checks out, the pharmacist says, "That will be $1.08."
In confusion the guy says, "Wait, they're 25 cents each so it should be a dollar, so why the additional 8 cents?"
The pharmacist says, "Well, it’s a dollar for the condoms plus 8 cents for tax.”
The guy thinks about this and then nods his head, "Aw, so that's how you get them to stay on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co8tcf/a_guy_goes_into_a_drug_store_to_buy_condoms_for/
%
Man visits Afghanistan 2 decades apart.

A man visits Afghanistan and during his visit he got to witness the culture and the differences from his own country.  One curious thing that he noticed was that when married couples went for a walk, the men walked in front and the women follows 10 yards behind.  His trip ended and he went home.
20 years later he got to visit Afghanistan again, but this time while out he noticed that women walked 10 yards *in front* of their husbands.  He was stunned by the remarkable change and wanted to find out why things were so different.  So he spots a couple walking down the road and he approaches the husband.
"Hello, 20 years ago I noticed wives always walked behind their husband, but now they walk in front of their husbands.  Why the stark change?"
And the husband replied, "Landmines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co8gbv/man_visits_afghanistan_2_decades_apart/
%
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co8b0c/what_do_you_do_when_a_blonde_throws_a_grenade_at/
%
There are two types of people

Those who need closure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co86cj/there_are_two_types_of_people/
%
An Australian is driving down a country road when he passes a New Zealander having sex with a sheep.

The Aussie slows down and yells out to the man:
*"Oy! In Australia we shear our sheep!"*
Without pausing, the New Zealander shouts back:
*"PISS OFF! I'M NOT SHEARING 'ER WITH ANYONE".*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co858l/an_australian_is_driving_down_a_country_road_when/
%
What's the difference between a Kleptomaniac and a Literalist?

The literalist takes things literally. The Kleptomaniac take things, literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co80o6/whats_the_difference_between_a_kleptomaniac_and_a/
%
I dont like milk

It tastes like udder piss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co7zuo/i_dont_like_milk/
%
I’ll never forget the words of my late grandfather.

“Sorry, I’m late again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co7tbq/ill_never_forget_the_words_of_my_late_grandfather/
%
A guy walks into a bank office and says...

"I WANT TO OPEN A FUCKIN BANK ACCOUNT!"
The accounts manager is taken aback and says, "Excuse me, sir! We do not allow that kind of language in here!"
He says, "WHAT'S THE GODDAMN ISSUE, BITCH?! I JUST WANT TO OPEN A FUCKIN BANK ACCOUNT!"
"Sir!" She says and stands up from her desk. "If you do not refrain from using such language I will have to ask you to leave!"
"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" he says. "I JUST WANT TO OPEN A FUCKIN BANK ACCOUNT!"
The bank manager comes over after hearing all the commotion and says, "Is everything alright in here?"
The guy slams his fist on the desk and says, "I JUST WANT TO OPEN A TWELVE MILLION DOLLAR FUCKIN BANK ACCOUNT!"
The bank manager takes a step back in shock and says, "AND THIS FUCKIN CUNT IS BREAKIN YOUR BALLS?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co7j7j/a_guy_walks_into_a_bank_office_and_says/
%
I'm waiting to invest in a hot air balloon

I don't want to lose my life's savings to inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co7icg/im_waiting_to_invest_in_a_hot_air_balloon/
%
I’ve just been fired from my job as a zoo keeper at my local zoo....

....all the signs said “Do Not Feed The Animals”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co76ua/ive_just_been_fired_from_my_job_as_a_zoo_keeper/
%
Two oceans are talking to each other...

Two oceans are talking to each other. The first one says “Hey you know that thing where the thing happens with the starfish, then the dolphins do the thing?”
The second ocean looks confused and replies “you’re gonna have to be more pacific.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co7556/two_oceans_are_talking_to_each_other/
%
What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest actually accomplishes something when it’s triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co6zv1/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
I wish I grew up during the 50s

but then I remember I'm black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co6xd7/i_wish_i_grew_up_during_the_50s/
%
It was time for the annual bug convention

And all the bugs were getting together and having a good time. The bees were discussing pollinating flowers, the dung beetles were discussing how to properly move dung, the earth worms how to improve soil, etc.
Well, the lady bugs were having a good time when one of them noticed the house flies doing something odd. They would stand together in a group when one would fly off and return, causing the others to laugh and cheer. This confused the lady bug and so he asked the others what they were doing.
"Oh they do this every year. They're timing how long it takes to fly from one end of the building to the other," she said.
"But why are they laughing so much? What's so great about that?" the other asked.
"Don't you know?" the other ladybug began. "Flies time when they're having fun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co6weg/it_was_time_for_the_annual_bug_convention/
%
Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co6vw3/did_you_hear_about_the_drummer_who_gave_his/
%
Funny Joke: I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co6tbo/funny_joke_im_so_good_at_sleeping_i_can_do_it/
%
I like Star Trek...

...But it has its' pros and Khans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co6ncs/i_like_star_trek/
%
What do you call an extraterrestrial that speaks Portuguese?

A Brazalien

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co6i4p/what_do_you_call_an_extraterrestrial_that_speaks/
%
Last night I spent 2,000 bucks on a reincarnation seminar.

I figured, what the heck. You only live once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co6dl7/last_night_i_spent_2000_bucks_on_a_reincarnation/
%
What do you call an old man who's into wooden boys?

A Gepetto-file.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co6ah0/what_do_you_call_an_old_man_whos_into_wooden_boys/
%
Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: Hindsight
Professor X: That’s not going to help us.
Me: Yes I see that now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co5wt0/professor_x_whats_your_superpower/
%
His Eminence

A drunk man who smelled like cheap wine sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened the newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be hornswaggled," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co5wes/his_eminence/
%
What do you call an elevator full of well mannered, sophisticated individuals?

A lift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co5vlt/what_do_you_call_an_elevator_full_of_well/
%
How does a Chinese cowboy say “Hi” ?

Ni haody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co5t8p/how_does_a_chinese_cowboy_say_hi/
%
How did the God of Mischief escape Assgard unnoticed?

He was low-key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co5o44/how_did_the_god_of_mischief_escape_assgard/
%
how was I born

A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you were going to find out anyway. Your mom and
I first got together in an internet chat room. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cybercafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As
soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was
too late to hit the delete button, a little Pop-up window appeared nine months later that said, ‘You got
Male.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co5moe/how_was_i_born/
%
I watched my first porno the other day.

I looked so young back then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co5k3o/i_watched_my_first_porno_the_other_day/
%
Last night I took both an Ambien and a Viagra before bed

I had a long hard sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co5d1r/last_night_i_took_both_an_ambien_and_a_viagra/
%
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co5anm/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_when_they_die/
%
Three men suddenly become aware they are in the set up to a joke. The first man says something clever. The second does something stupid. The third tries to kill Batman.

I guess we know who the real joker is...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co53zf/three_men_suddenly_become_aware_they_are_in_the/
%
My 5 year old son....

My 5 year old son, after reading story of a king...
Son- Mom, I will also marry 3 wives. One will cook, one will sing and one will bathe me.
My wife- And which one will put you to sleep.
Son- No Mom, I will still sleep with you.
My wife's eyes filled with tears of pure love for our son.
'God bless you son' She said, 'But who will sleep with your three wives.?'
Son- Let them sleep with daddy.
My eyes filled with tears of pure love of my son.
'God bless you my child' I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co53nj/my_5_year_old_son/
%
What do you call fake shit?

Shampoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co50f7/what_do_you_call_fake_shit/
%
My grammar has suffered since I became a vegetarian

I mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co4zn1/my_grammar_has_suffered_since_i_became_a/
%
A friend told me they had been deafened.

I didn't know how to respond

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co4y5l/a_friend_told_me_they_had_been_deafened/
%
How is a long line at a Vietnamese soup restaurant an insult?

It’s a big pho queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co4wkl/how_is_a_long_line_at_a_vietnamese_soup/
%
Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Because his mom and dad were in a jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co4rj0/why_was_the_baby_strawberry_crying/
%
Why don't blind people skydive?

Scares the shit out of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co4rf0/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
%
I think I'd do well in the porn industry

I'm an incredibly hard worker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co4pzg/i_think_id_do_well_in_the_porn_industry/
%
How long before I can get a haircut?

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" . The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours". The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks , "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours". The guy leaves.
A week later the  same guy sticks his head in the door and asks , "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes". Bill comes back laughing hysterically after a while.
The barber asks "Bill, Where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co4m7y/how_long_before_i_can_get_a_haircut/
%
Have you heard of a whiteboard?

They're a pretty remarkable invention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co4m1l/have_you_heard_of_a_whiteboard/
%
What do the testicles of a priest look like?

Silly question, every child knows that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co4led/what_do_the_testicles_of_a_priest_look_like/
%
A duck walked up to a lemonade stand, and he said to the man, running the stand

"Quack"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co4d37/a_duck_walked_up_to_a_lemonade_stand_and_he_said/
%
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office copy

I’ll get it back, you have my Word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co4cg6/to_the_person_who_stole_my_microsoft_office_copy/
%
The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard.

I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co4c39/the_kids_next_door_challenged_me_to_water_fight/
%
I saw a beautiful woman at the market today, but the skirt she wore kept reminding me of my mother

Must've been a Freudian slip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co483g/i_saw_a_beautiful_woman_at_the_market_today_but/
%
Two atoms are walking down the street

One says “Hey, I’ve just lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co467x/two_atoms_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
Two men pause their round of golf to smoke a cigar and one pulls a huge lighter out of his golfbag...

and proceeds to light his cigar. The other man laughs and says "Holy crap, that's the biggest lighter I've ever seen! It must be a foot long! Where did you get it?"
The first man says "I found a magic lamp while practicing the other day, and the genie gave it to me."
The second man is skeptical and laughs, just to have the first man pull an old oil lamp out of his bag. Intrigued, the second man rubs it and sure enough a genie pops out and offers a wish.
The second man doesn't think twice: "I want a million bucks!"
The Genie nods, snaps his fingers, then disappears into a whisp of smoke.
For a few minutes.. nothing. Then suddenly a rumble in the distance.
The rumble gets louder, and louder, when suddenly the skies darken and flock of ducks fly over. There's hundreds, no thousands of them! For 10 minutes straight the sun is blocked out, and everyone is holding their ears to protect from the sound of a million ducks quacking.
Suddenly, as quickly as it started, it ended. As the sound slowly faded away, and as the last few straggling ducks flew over, then men looked around at all the carnage, duck poop everywhere, golfing gear laying scattered as other golfers ran for cover..
Astounded, the second man says "What the hell was that? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
First man says "Well what did you expect? Did you really think I had wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co43ka/two_men_pause_their_round_of_golf_to_smoke_a/
%
What's Blonde and dead in a closet?

The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co43bw/whats_blonde_and_dead_in_a_closet/
%
My manager said if I make one more mistake that I'll be fired.

So to save myself I've made several mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co41m4/my_manager_said_if_i_make_one_more_mistake_that/
%
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasnt there.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.He appears to be in deep thought,just staring at the wall.She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter Dear?"she whispers as she steps into the room."Why are you down here at this time of the night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee,"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?"he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do"she replies.
The husband pauses.The words aren't coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us having sex in the back seat of the car?"
"Yes,I remember."she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues."Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter,or I'll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison."
"I remember that too."she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,"I would have gotten out today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co3xcu/a_woman_wakes_up_in_the_middle_of_the_night_only/
%
A guy was walking to a bar...

And on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co3vwz/a_guy_was_walking_to_a_bar/
%
I don't have any jokes about large cats

If I said I did, I'd be "lion"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co3u03/i_dont_have_any_jokes_about_large_cats/
%
Why did the bungee jumper hit the ground?

He didn't pay a tension.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co3rzc/why_did_the_bungee_jumper_hit_the_ground/
%
What is the difference between cancer and my Mom?

My Dad didn’t beat cancer.
RIP mom and dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co3oac/what_is_the_difference_between_cancer_and_my_mom/
%
Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Because they're all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co3nmd/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap_their_hands/
%
I told my girlfriend she needed to lose a bunch of weight if she wanted to be happy.

She agreed and lost almost 200 pounds by breaking up with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co3n5j/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_needed_to_lose_a_bunch/
%
Job Interview

\- How was your job interview yesterday?
\- Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting on the table...                    He pointed towards his Laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop.. He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The Wolf of Wall Street" movie..                                                                        So I took the laptop and left..
\- Left...!! Then what?                                                                                                                                                                                        -Nothing 30 minutes later he called me up... begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it..
So I asked him: **Will you buy it ??**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co3fal/job_interview/
%
How many people speak Portuguese in South America?

A Brazilian!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co3dmm/how_many_people_speak_portuguese_in_south_america/
%
A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger.
A few minutes had passed and the whole
trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on
The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.
"Hey, ma-"
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! The driver abruptly hit the breaks.
"Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained.
The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet."
"What did you do before this?"
"I drove a hearse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co37x0/a_taxi_driver_new_on_the_job_picks_up_his_first/
%
I took a visit to Russia and a random person accused me of being gay.

Shocked, I asked who are you?
He replied Uben,
Uben GettinKok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co33ex/i_took_a_visit_to_russia_and_a_random_person/
%
How many children do you need to paint a wall?

It depends on how hard you throw them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co33a8/how_many_children_do_you_need_to_paint_a_wall/
%
500$ Grilled Cheese Sandwich

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co2xay/500_grilled_cheese_sandwich/
%
I overdosed on Viagra once

Hardest day of my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co2wt4/i_overdosed_on_viagra_once/
%
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance

We’ll see about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co2uck/my_therapist_says_i_have_a_preoccupation_with/
%
A boy walks in on his dad masturbating.

The boy, curious asks him, "Dad, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "This is called masturbating, and pretty soon you will be doing it also."
The kid, puzzled, asks, "How do you know that?"
The father goes "Because my arm is getting tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co2swh/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_dad_masturbating/
%
It's hard to be a Fu

Bu, Chu and Fu are 3 Chinese guys that go to good ol' US of A...when they get there they decided to "Americanize" their names...so Bu become Buck...Chu become Chuck...and Fu had to go back to China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co2ryn/its_hard_to_be_a_fu/
%
That was the best anal ever!

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.
The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co2myj/that_was_the_best_anal_ever/
%
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"
The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:  LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."
LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."
LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."
LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."
LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me!"
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co2dl2/a_polish_man_married_a_canadian_girl_after_he_had/
%
I was washing a car with a friend until he said

“Can you use a sponge?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co2bgw/i_was_washing_a_car_with_a_friend_until_he_said/
%
Scientists have taken the first pictures of the interior of a black hole.

It's all pink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co295c/scientists_have_taken_the_first_pictures_of_the/
%
I quit my gym membership today

It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co28n8/i_quit_my_gym_membership_today/
%
Not to brag, but I just finished this 14-day diet...

...in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co26vi/not_to_brag_but_i_just_finished_this_14day_diet/
%
I'll never forget the first time I met my clone.

I was beside myself with joy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co21w5/ill_never_forget_the_first_time_i_met_my_clone/
%
Nine out of ten men prefer big boobs.

The tenth guy prefers the nine men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co20j9/nine_out_of_ten_men_prefer_big_boobs/
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It’s WALES you Idiot!

I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers. We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said ‘it’s WALES you idiot!!!’
So I immediately said ‘Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co1w0z/its_wales_you_idiot/
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Found this on AskReddit

A farmer went to the market to buy a rooster to mate with his hens. Another farmer sold him one and warned him how horny the rooster was.
The farmer took the rooster home and as soon as he put it into the pen, it has sex with every chicken. 10 minutes later it then had sex with every chicken again. Out of fear for the health of his chickens, he put it in a separate pen where it left grain on the floor to attract pigeons so that he could have sex with them
Worried the farmer then put him with the ducks, and within five minutes it had sex with every duck, and again 5 minutes later.
Layer the farmer went back to check on the rooster to find him passed out on the floor with vultures circling above him.
"Serves you right you horny bastard" said the farmer.
With that the rooster opened one eye and whispered "Shhh, you'll frighten the vultures away"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co1vie/found_this_on_askreddit/
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What do you call ice that’s at 0 degrees kelvin?

Still water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co1qqf/what_do_you_call_ice_thats_at_0_degrees_kelvin/
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I seem to have run out of tea...

What a catastrotea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co1pvy/i_seem_to_have_run_out_of_tea/
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My girlfriend borrowed $597 from me. After 8 months, when we broke-up, she returned exactly $597.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co1ptn/my_girlfriend_borrowed_597_from_me_after_8_months/
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Did you hear about Quasimodo solving the murder case ?

apparently he had a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co1p95/did_you_hear_about_quasimodo_solving_the_murder/
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What do you call the first level of a coffee factory?

The ground floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co1o3s/what_do_you_call_the_first_level_of_a_coffee/
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Why was the cub shy after taking his shirt off at the pool?

He was a little bare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co1o2v/why_was_the_cub_shy_after_taking_his_shirt_off_at/
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Speeding ticket

A man gets pulled over by a policeman.
Policeman: You were going 68 in a 50 zone, I   will have to write you a ticket.
Man: Alright, just make the number a little cooler so we can laugh when the judge reads it.
[later in court]
Judge: How the flying Frick did you go 420 in a 50?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co1jbm/speeding_ticket/
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If someone with a toe fetish cheats on you

Does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co1jba/if_someone_with_a_toe_fetish_cheats_on_you/
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A good joke can be like a fart.

If you force it, it’s probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co1e8k/a_good_joke_can_be_like_a_fart/
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BAD NEWS

President Trump awakens one Winter morning to discover someone has peed “Impeach Trump” in the snow. He calls the Secret Service to investigate.
When they return, they tell the President that they have bad news and even worse news. The bad news is that it’s Vice President Pence’s urine. This infuriates the President, who then asks what could be worse than that.
The Secret Service informs them that it’s Melania’s handwriting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co1dke/bad_news/
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Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath?

He took 1/50 of the recommended dose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co1bns/did_you_hear_about_the_suicidal_homeopath/
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A photon is going through airport security......

The TSA agent asks if it has any luggage.
The photon says, "No, I am traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co1b1z/a_photon_is_going_through_airport_security/
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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co190r/i_saw_two_kids_fighting_on_the_elementary_school/
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A perfectionist walked into a bar

Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co18nw/a_perfectionist_walked_into_a_bar/
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Why is Dark spelled with a K and not with the C

Because you can't C the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co14dq/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_with_the_c/
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People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.

But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co13go/people_think_my_diabetes_jokes_are_harsh/
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My friends keep telling me that make-up sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co11eb/my_friends_keep_telling_me_that_makeup_sex_is_the/
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Has anyone heard the new Hellen Keller album?

It's okay, neither has she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co0w6z/has_anyone_heard_the_new_hellen_keller_album/
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Annual meeting of some loonies

Each year a group of  5 loonies come together to have a good time.
The people are: a sodomist, a sadist , a pyromaniac , a necrophile and a masochist.
After a couple of hours they get bored, however the sodomist got an idea:
Sodomist: We could catch a cat and ya know have fun with it .
Sadist: Well it's not my cup of tea. But since there is nothing else to do... why not. But once you're done with it,  I want to torture the cat.
Pyromaniac: Well I want some fun too!  So I'll set the cat on fire and watch it burn!
Necrophile: Fair enough. I'm sure that nobody objects that I'll take my turn on the cat afterwards,  we'll have to blow out the fire soon enough though.
Masochist: *meow*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co0uwr/annual_meeting_of_some_loonies/
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Maths is fun

One day, e^x sees x^2 running down the street in a panic.  "What's wrong?" asks e^x.  "There's a Differential Operator in town!" yells x^2. "If I run into him too many times, I'll disappear!"
"Don't worry," responds e^x. "I'll go have a chat with him. No, don't worry  about me -- he can't hurt me. After all, I'm e^x."
So e^x walks down the street to the Differential Operator. "My friend tells me you're a Differential Operator," e^x says pompously. "Well, I'm e^x."
"Pleased to meet you, e^x," says the Differential Operator. "I'm d/dt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co0rmh/maths_is_fun/
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What's the difference between bullets and humans ?

Humans miss harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co0ln6/whats_the_difference_between_bullets_and_humans/
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Three women are competing to see who has the worst story about dating

The first woman says, "I've about had it with dating. I met a guy at a restaurant the other day and he flipped off the waitress for looking at him the wrong way. No class at all."
The second woman says, "That's nothing. I went to the movies and my date was talking loudly throughout the entire film. I was mortified."
The third woman says, "I actually met this guy Dick I've been hitting it off with ok. We click and have a lot in common, but he has this really weird fetish. Every morning, he wants me to take pictures of different buildings around town and then get them printed, walk to his house, and hand deliver them to him. It really turns him on, apparently, and I want to make him happy, but it's exhausting."
The first woman looks on in surprise and says, "I have to concede. I think you have us beat."
"Agreed," says the second woman, "Getting Dick pics is the worst."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co0kcy/three_women_are_competing_to_see_who_has_the/
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Child: When I grow up I want to be a socialist

Parent: You can’t do both

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co0h6c/child_when_i_grow_up_i_want_to_be_a_socialist/
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What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co071i/whats_the_difference_between_et_and_an_illegal/
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I wanted to lie about my soap trafficking

but I decided to come clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co058s/i_wanted_to_lie_about_my_soap_trafficking/
%
What did the duck say when it swam into a wall?

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/co003s/what_did_the_duck_say_when_it_swam_into_a_wall/
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Me and my infections finally got together

and had a staff meeting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnzwfe/me_and_my_infections_finally_got_together/
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Professor X: what's your superpower?

Me: Hindsight
Professor X: That's not gonna help us
Me: Yes I see that now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnzwce/professor_x_whats_your_superpower/
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a moth goes into a pediatrist’s office

the pediatrist asks the moth, “what seems to be the problem?”
the moth responds, “My whole life is a mess. My marriage is in shambles, my daughter married this guy who I despise and who despises me, my son is a wretched failure, which only reflects my own failures.”
Understandably confused, the pediatrist asks “that all sounds truly awful, but I’m a pediatrist, what is it that brings you to *my* office?”
the moth says, “oh, the light was on.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnzt9p/a_moth_goes_into_a_pediatrists_office/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar....

......and sees a gorgeous woman sitting alone at a table. He goes over and asks if he can buy her a drink and join her.
“Don’t bother”, she replies. “I’m a lesbian”.
“What the hell is a lesbian?” asks the cowboy.
“I like to lick pussy” she replies.
The cowboy walks away bewildered and takes another seat.  A few minutes later, a man walks in and sees him sitting alone.
“Hey, you’re a cowboy!” he says.
“Nope.” he says, shaking his head.  “I used to think I was, but apparently I’m a lesbian.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnzrip/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why aren't there any cats on Mars?

Because Curiosity killed them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnzpph/why_arent_there_any_cats_on_mars/
%
Never challenge the death to a pillow fight.

Unless your ready for the reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnzo78/never_challenge_the_death_to_a_pillow_fight/
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A guy walks into a store and

Asked a employee for 3 pairs of underwear.
The employee askes "Only 3 pairs?"
The guy answers "Yes I only need a pair each Monday, Wednesday and Friday"
The guy leaves the store
Another guy walks into the store and asked the employee for 5 pairs of underwear.
The employee says "5 pairs not 7?"
The guy answers "Yes I only need a pair every day except Saturday and Sunday"
The leaves the store
Then the last guy walks into the store and asked the employee for 12 pairs of underwear.
The employee says "You are a clean man" and happily gives the guy 12 pairs of underwear
The guy answers with "Yeah I know I only need a new pair every month"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnzl8z/a_guy_walks_into_a_store_and/
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I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnzkux/ive_been_reading_lord_of_the_rings_and_apparently/
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A guy walks into a clinic with a bruised eye

Doctor : How did this happen?
Guy : I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" I should have probably ran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnzkna/a_guy_walks_into_a_clinic_with_a_bruised_eye/
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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnzdw7/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
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The best part of a euphemism?

You can take it any way you want it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnzbw3/the_best_part_of_a_euphemism/
%
A guy walks into the doctors office...

he says "Doctor, you gotta help me, my dick has turned orange." So the Doctor says "Pull down your pants" The doctor sees the dick and says "Holy shit, your dick is actually orange, have you changed your routine lately, have you done anything strange?" The guy says "No I do what I always do, eat cheetos and masturbate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnzagx/a_guy_walks_into_the_doctors_office/
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HOW DOES MOSES MAKE HIS TEA?

HEBREWS IT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnz6hk/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
%
Told my girlfriend i wanted to try sleeping in the fetal position.

after a few minutes she said what are you doing you can't fit all the way in there..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnz68e/told_my_girlfriend_i_wanted_to_try_sleeping_in/
%
Toddler car seats and Gaming chairs have a few things in common

They are both designed to provide comfort, both are expensive and most importantly the user always gets carried :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnz39s/toddler_car_seats_and_gaming_chairs_have_a_few/
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What's the most profitable part of owning a lemonade stand?

Selling the antidote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnz1u5/whats_the_most_profitable_part_of_owning_a/
%
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods....

The bear turns to the rabbit and says;
"hey buddy, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit looks up to the bear and replies ;
"No, No I don't."
....So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipe his arse with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnype4/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_taking_a_shit_in_the_woods/
%
A little boy and girl are in a bathtub, and are naked because they are too little too understand anything like that.

The girl and boy ask each other: "What's that?" and they both reply: "I'll ask my parents."
So the boy goes home and asks his dad what it is. The dad looks solemnly at him and says: "Son, that's your car. You park it in a girls garage."
The girl goes home and asks: "what's that?" The mother says: "That's your garage. dont let any boy park his car in it."
The next day they are again in the tub. The boy says its a car and remembers what his dad said. So he begins to put it in the girls "garage". But then the girl remembers what her mom said.
5 minutes later, the girl comes to the mom with blood all over her. The mother asks her what was wrong and she said: "Mommy, the boy tried to put his car in my garage, but I popped his two back tires."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnymdp/a_little_boy_and_girl_are_in_a_bathtub_and_are/
%
You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”
You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ov—, wait, did you say growing?”
The cop removes the helmet. It’s your grandmother. She says “You’ve gotten so big!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnyeju/youre_speeding_down_a_road_when_you_see_red_and/
%
My son asked me, what's it like to be married?

So I deleted every song on his iPod except one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnxxtb/my_son_asked_me_whats_it_like_to_be_married/
%
I got fired from the zoo today for talking to Dumbo

Apparently I am not allowed to address the elephant in the room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnxvmc/i_got_fired_from_the_zoo_today_for_talking_to/
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Two Irishmen sat at a bar...

To pass the time, they began to get to know each other.
“Where you from, laddie?” said the first
“Oh, I’m from Dublin, ya see” said the second.
“Oh ya don’t say! I’m from Dublin, too! What parish were ye in?”
“Oh I was in the St. Thomas parish, ya see”
“Ya dont say! I was in the St. Thomas parish! Who was yer father?”
“Oh I had Father O’Sullivan, ya see”
“Ya don’t say! I had Father O’Sullivan!”
An American sitting down the bar overheard the conversation between the two, and he leans into the bartender and asks “What’s up with those guys?”
The bartender say “Oh, nothing, the Murphy twins are drunk again”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnxu0l/two_irishmen_sat_at_a_bar/
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What do you call mythical cheese?

Legend dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnxqzp/what_do_you_call_mythical_cheese/
%
What do you call a nose with no body?

No body nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnxplg/what_do_you_call_a_nose_with_no_body/
%
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said...

the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my local MP about this running amok,over-enthusiastic security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed....
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card in the swipe machine....
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnxoip/when_i_was_ready_to_check_out_and_pay_for_my/
%
My ex had 3 spirit animals

Lion, Ass, Cheetah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnxngg/my_ex_had_3_spirit_animals/
%
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?

Because he had a loco-motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnxmz7/why_did_the_mexican_train_robber_rob_the_train/
%
How do you draw a crowd?

With a pen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnxigr/how_do_you_draw_a_crowd/
%
I crashed my AMG GT into a tree

Now I know exactly how the mercedes bends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnxgb7/i_crashed_my_amg_gt_into_a_tree/
%
A dad reversing out of the garage.

“Ah this brings me back”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnxe9f/a_dad_reversing_out_of_the_garage/
%
A fire hydrant has H2O on the inside

And K9P on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnxacd/a_fire_hydrant_has_h2o_on_the_inside/
%
What do you call a group of adult entertainment and sex workers?

A Pornucopia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnx8jj/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_adult_entertainment/
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A perfectionist walks into a bar...

Apparently it wasn’t set high enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnx7sw/a_perfectionist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The Party

Last week, I went to a party and had a good time. Before I knew it, I was chatting up a girl that I started to like. We hooked up, and later that night, I got laid. It was only as I was driving home that I remembered that the party was my family reunion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnx5ck/the_party/
%
Why couldn’t T-Rex get to second base?

Baseball wasn’t invented back then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnx57u/why_couldnt_trex_get_to_second_base/
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What do you call a farm hand who can't stop laughing?

A jolly rancher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnx407/what_do_you_call_a_farm_hand_who_cant_stop/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnx3yh/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot_it/
%
My phone is at 1%

So im going to make this qu-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnwyo5/my_phone_is_at_1/
%
Oh, have you heard about the new Spanish fast food place?

I think it’s called KFSí.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnwtev/oh_have_you_heard_about_the_new_spanish_fast_food/
%
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnwshk/the_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_him_dad_whats/
%
What do you call a nerd with Viagra?

Optimistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnwsan/what_do_you_call_a_nerd_with_viagra/
%
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnwrib/how_do_you_put_a_baby_astronaut_to_sleep/
%
What's long and white

The line at starbucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnwnww/whats_long_and_white/
%
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

An ambulance,of course!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnwmmx/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_shovel_in_his_head/
%
Heard there's a new restaurant on the moon.

Great food. No atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnwkjy/heard_theres_a_new_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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Abomination!

A recently ordained Irish priest was traveling to his new parish. As he drove down the lane, he saw a man in a ditch screwing a sheep. The young priest shuddered, offering a prayer, and crossed himself.
A few miles down the road he saw another man in the fields also boffing a sheep. Appalled at having witnessed a second case of bestiality in less than an hour, he whispered several prayers, crossed himself fervently, and drove on.
Not much further down the country road, on the outskirts of town, the new priest spotted a man leaning against a tree and masturbating enthusiastically. Then and there, he decided grimly on the topic of his first sermon.
"As I approached this fair town," he began that Sunday, "I witnessed three abominations. First, on the roadside, I saw a man committing an unnatural act with a sheep! Shortly thereafter was another man in a field committing the same vile act with a sheep! And third, at the very outskirts of this town, a man was committing an abomination with himself!"
A voice spoke up from the congregation. "Aye, that'll be old Abe Boninsky. He never could catch a sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnwd7p/abomination/
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What do writers have for breakfast?

Synonym buns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnw6o8/what_do_writers_have_for_breakfast/
%
A man walks into a Mexican restaurant...

He gets a table and a waiter comes to him with a menu.
"Señor, is there anything I can get for you?"
The man scans through the menu briefly...
He couldn't understand any thing he saw there as most of the foods were Mexican.
"I think I'll have this... Cojones..." the man said after a brief while.
"Si" said the waiter, as he jotted down his request and moved out of sight.
About 2 minute later, the waiter was back with the two biggest meat balls the man had ever seen.
The man tasted it and it was surprisingly really good. Baffled by his dish, he asked the waiter.
"What is this meat?"
"Señor, it is the testicles of the bull that lost in the El Matador arena" said the Waiter.
The man nodded silently and paid for his meal.
The next day, the man comes again to the same restaurant and orders Cojones again.
The waiter disappears to the back of the restaurant.. only to return with two much smaller meatballs.
This surprises the man but he eats nonetheless.
After paying for his meal, he asks the waiter,
"Sorry, I couldn't help but notice, but why was the meat much smaller this time"
The waiter replied, "Señor, the bull does not anyways lose the match."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnw5mq/a_man_walks_into_a_mexican_restaurant/
%
Why did the statistician take a bomb on a plane?

Because the odds of there being 2 bombs on the plane was practically 0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnw516/why_did_the_statistician_take_a_bomb_on_a_plane/
%
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.
To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks.
The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it.
"You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed.
The older man shrugged and said, "It's better than a fortnight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnw38y/two_men_were_washed_ashore_during_world_war_i/
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I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.

He doesn’t have a Clue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnvyjg/i_took_my_friends_board_game_without_him_noticing/
%
What did captain Kirk leave in the toilet?

A captain's log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnvob8/what_did_captain_kirk_leave_in_the_toilet/
%
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnvhr0/how_many_zen_masters_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How did the Pharoah get so rich?

He was running a huge pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnvf6u/how_did_the_pharoah_get_so_rich/
%
A farmer joke

A man is driving down the highway past a farm.  He glances into the vast fields and sees a farmer screwing a sheep.  He is utterly disgusted.
A minute later, he slams on his brakes and says, "That was horrible.  I'm going to give that man a piece of my mind!"  He turns around, and soon arrives at the farmhouse.
He angrily stomps to the porch and bangs on the door.  A little boy answers.  The man's anger abates a little: "Oh, hi there.  Is your father home?"
The boy says "Sure, one second.  Hey daaaaaahd!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnv8jv/a_farmer_joke/
%
So the lawyer says

Lawyer: so you wanna divorce Minnie cuz she’s... extremely silly..????
Mickey Mouse: No I said she was fucking goofy!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnv3te/so_the_lawyer_says/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender charges him 15
cents. Confused but not complaining, the man pays.
After a while, he decides to have another beer
and some food, so he
orders another beer and a steak. The bartender
charges him 50 cents,
15 for the beer and 35 for the food.
After finishing his food and drink, he calls the
bartender over and
says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever
had. I want to talk to
the manager and thank him."
"No problem," says the bartender. "He's
upstairs with my wife."
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks
the man.
"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his
business down here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnuyu3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
%
What did shaggy say when scooby accused him of eating all his scooby snacks?

"wasn't me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnuxao/what_did_shaggy_say_when_scooby_accused_him_of/
%
A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnuubz/a_marine_boarded_a_train_on_his_way_home_from/
%
what do call a quiet Russian bee?

a cagey bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnuttv/what_do_call_a_quiet_russian_bee/
%
Helen Keller

I ask my wife, "Why can't Helen Keller drive?"
She replies immediately, "Duh, because she's blind and deaf."
"No, it's because she's dead."
(Please comment your best Helen Keller jokes!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnujpx/helen_keller/
%
Unpopular opinion, but I like the police...

...I mean their back catalog of singles is legendary.  Cop their critically acclaimed album “Synchronicity”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnuj6n/unpopular_opinion_but_i_like_the_police/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnuh80/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
I had a hip replacement, but the hospital won't let me keep the bone as a souvenir.

They've got joint custody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnufvn/i_had_a_hip_replacement_but_the_hospital_wont_let/
%
I was about to write a joke about shoving a banana up my ass...

But it seemed too banal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnu7z5/i_was_about_to_write_a_joke_about_shoving_a/
%
Messaged a girl on tinder and said “I’m 9 inches long and 3 inches thick. Interested?”

She said “Maybe. How big’s your cock?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cntyym/messaged_a_girl_on_tinder_and_said_im_9_inches/
%
I wish my grass was emo.

Then it would cut itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cntwkv/i_wish_my_grass_was_emo/
%
Spelling Mistakes

I accidentally made a spelling mistake on my work. I found this out when I get screamed at for it. It is a fairly small mistake, so I don't understand why she is so upset!
Jeez, I'm a tattoo artist, not an english teacher. Calm down, we all make mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cntrmz/spelling_mistakes/
%
Here’s a picture of me with REM

That’s me in the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cntoog/heres_a_picture_of_me_with_rem/
%
Trump is nothing like Hitler

There’s no way he could write a book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cntnaz/trump_is_nothing_like_hitler/
%
Did you guys hear about those new corduroy pillows in the news?

They're really making head lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cntips/did_you_guys_hear_about_those_new_corduroy/
%
The doctor has given me two months to live.

I've chosen August and December, because I like summer but don't want to miss Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cntd29/the_doctor_has_given_me_two_months_to_live/
%
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.

It was a roaring success.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cntcic/just_finished_my_first_shift_as_a_lion/
%
If I make you breakfast in bed

A simple “thank you” is all I need.
Not all this “how did you get in my house” business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnsyjr/if_i_make_you_breakfast_in_bed/
%
i was going to make a joke

but i think you've already reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnsw69/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke/
%
What do you call a man who can’t stand?

Neil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnsvpl/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_cant_stand/
%
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used that to roll up his joint.

He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnskrs/i_wrote_down_the_names_of_all_the_people_i_hate/
%
Psychic and Clairvoyants fair cancelled today...

Due to unforseen circumstances

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnshzz/psychic_and_clairvoyants_fair_cancelled_today/
%
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her daughter walks in. The daughter asks, “Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?”

Her mother replies, “I’ll show you”, and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the daughter says, “Someone’s at the door!”.
The mother laughs. “This is why people think we’re stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnsehh/a_blonde_mom_is_cooking_dinner_when_her_daughter/
%
Can a clock make a flea fly?

No, but it can make a tick talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cns9dt/can_a_clock_make_a_flea_fly/
%
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man riding a unicycle, and a well dressed man riding a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cns7wn/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
%
I dont date dwarfs...

My standards are too high for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cns2kk/i_dont_date_dwarfs/
%
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnrwbu/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_on_amazon/
%
What's a pirate's favourite letter?

You'd think it'd be "R", but their first love is always the "C"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnrvr3/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
%
There's something about a recliner that makes me really nostalgic

They certainly take me back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnrupx/theres_something_about_a_recliner_that_makes_me/
%
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?

Because they always get Lost at C (Sea)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnrtkj/why_do_pirates_not_know_the_alphabet/
%
A dime asked his mother why he was so short.

“Well,” said his mother, “Some coins are just bigger than others. You just happen to be smaller than all the other coins.””That just doesn’t seem fair,” said the dime, “I feel shortchanged.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnrteu/a_dime_asked_his_mother_why_he_was_so_short/
%
Why do anarchists prefer the Imperial system of measurement?

They want to live in a liter-less society!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnrr36/why_do_anarchists_prefer_the_imperial_system_of/
%
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night

oof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnrhyi/a_storm_blew_away_25_of_my_roof_last_night/
%
I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand, I'm fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnrejb/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
%
A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar

The atheist ducks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnraid/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_an_imam_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Person 1: God bless America.

Person 2: Why, did it sneeze?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnr5ji/person_1_god_bless_america/
%
A vampire sells a mirror

Cheap mirror, excellent condition; Never used.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnr5d4/a_vampire_sells_a_mirror/
%
Tim lost his job as a stock broker, so he decided to start a new life for himself away from the big city.

On his first day out in the country, Tim wandered into a fishing shop. The shop had a help wanted sign, so Tim asked the owner for a job.
“What do you know about fishing?” the owner asked him.
“Nothing,” Tim replied. “But I used to be a stock broker, so I am sure that I am smart enough to work in your little shop.”
The shop owner told him that he had two days to build a fishing rod. If he could do it, he would get the job.
Two days later, Tim showed him the rod he had built.
“This is the worst fishing rod I have ever seen,” the owner yelled. “ The handle is flimsy, the rod is crooked, and the fishing line is weak.”
“That’s rude,” Tim cried. “I worked really hard on this, and you have made fun of everything except the reel.” The shop owner looked at him with a twinkle in his eye and said, “the reel joke is in the comments.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnr3ot/tim_lost_his_job_as_a_stock_broker_so_he_decided/
%
Did you know there's a word for people who rely on pulling out for birth control?

Parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnr0e7/did_you_know_theres_a_word_for_people_who_rely_on/
%
I'm now officially a member of A.C.R.O.N.Y.M

The Association for Chronic Inability to Identify Capital Letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnqwq2/im_now_officially_a_member_of_acronym/
%
What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?

Acne only comes on a boys face after he’s turned 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnqw3f/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_catholic/
%
Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin.  The Bible says that Moses tied his ass to a tree then walked for 40 miles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnqi1j/which_stretches_further_skin_or_rubber/
%
My mistress and I ran into my wife at the hardware store...

She kicked me in Menards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnqhbi/my_mistress_and_i_ran_into_my_wife_at_the/
%
Never try to annoy someone with bird puns.

Because toucan play that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnqcrh/never_try_to_annoy_someone_with_bird_puns/
%
Head larger than the shaft

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
\[not my joke, but to good not to share\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnqcmw/head_larger_than_the_shaft/
%
Two Muffins in an oven

So there’s two muffins in an oven, one muffin says, “man it’s getting hot in here” the other muffin says, “holy shit a talking muffin!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnqcjz/two_muffins_in_an_oven/
%
Man in a wheelchair stole my army jacket..

I yelled at him: You can't run but you can hide!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnq8kj/man_in_a_wheelchair_stole_my_army_jacket/
%
Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it...

Guess I really am... Independent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnq3gs/turned_18_today_so_i_bought_a_locket_and_put_my/
%
What’s the difference between a lobster with big breasts and a beat down bus stop?

One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnq17a/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with_big/
%
I lost 25% of my tent.

But it's okay, now I have ten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnptds/i_lost_25_of_my_tent/
%
If video games cause violence, what games were the Nazis playing?

Meincraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnpsyw/if_video_games_cause_violence_what_games_were_the/
%
Why woman play with their hair when they wake up?

Because they have no balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnpp7t/why_woman_play_with_their_hair_when_they_wake_up/
%
My friend is a zookeeper who fell ill after cleaning fences from the small marsupial exhibit.

The moral of the story is quokka caca get down with the sickness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnphkq/my_friend_is_a_zookeeper_who_fell_ill_after/
%
My mate is addicted to brake fluid

He can stop at any time though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnpenl/my_mate_is_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
%
My parents are so strict when it comes to school,

that even when I told them I got stung by a Bee, they grounded me because it wasn’t an A.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnp3tt/my_parents_are_so_strict_when_it_comes_to_school/
%
Misunderstood JT

In the early 2000s Justin Timberlake did a tour in Eastern Europe and had a stop in southern Ukraine.
After playing a show in Sevastopol he had some down time so he travelled the countryside, and was amazed by the stunning beauty of the peninsula's nature and wildlife. He backpacked through the pristine forests and walked the banks of the Chornaya and was immediately inspired.
When he came back stateside he told his producer that he neeeded to write a song about what he saw.
JT: "I want to name the song after my favorite body of water in the whole country."
Producer: "What do you want to call it?"
JT: "The Crimea River"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnp3bz/misunderstood_jt/
%
A teacher asks the class “What’s 119 + 1?”

One student answers “5!”
The teacher then says to the student “correct”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnp2st/a_teacher_asks_the_class_whats_119_1/
%
I tell Dad jokes

Sometimes he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnoz42/i_tell_dad_jokes/
%
Calendars are going to be discontinued soon.

Their days are numbered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnonv3/calendars_are_going_to_be_discontinued_soon/
%
Why was the weight lifter upset after lifting a case of Coke?

It was just soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnokpy/why_was_the_weight_lifter_upset_after_lifting_a/
%
The kids with special names

The oldest kid asked her mother. “Mom, why did you name me Feather?”
Mom: “I named you Feather because when you were a newborn a feather landed on your head”
The second oldest kid named Leaf asked the same.
Mom: “I named you Leaf because when you were a newborn a leaf landed on your head”
The youngest kid came running over: “kahduken habala shlong a shiling!!!”
Mom: “Please just shut up, Fridge”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnokgv/the_kids_with_special_names/
%
A new guy got a job in a big corporation.

One day, he took up the phone and called the CEO's office.
"*Bring me coffee, bitch!*"
"**Do you know who you're talking to?"** he heard a voice reply.
"*No*", replied the new guy.
"**I'm the CEO of this whole company, you goddamn moron!**"
"*And do \*you\* know who you're talking to*?"
"**No**", replied the CEO.
"*Good!*" and he ended the call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnoebf/a_new_guy_got_a_job_in_a_big_corporation/
%
I went over to my local beekeeper this morning to buy 10 bees.

After 5 minutes he came back and gave me 11.
I said “I only asked for the 10?!”.
He replied “You’ve got 10, and a freebie”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnodu3/i_went_over_to_my_local_beekeeper_this_morning_to/
%
Time flies like an arrow

And fruit flies like a banana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cno9ke/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cno8sv/what_do_alcoholics_and_necrophiliacs_have_in/
%
"I could get some Cheez-Its..."

"Or I could get Starbursts...or beef jerky...
"Or I could get Cheez-Its *and* beef jerky...*or* beef jerky and Starbursts...OR, I could even get Cheez-Its, Starbursts, AND beef jerky..."
-"Dude! What the hell is taking so long?!"
"Just trying to decide what I want from this Venn-ing machine...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cno6cl/i_could_get_some_cheezits/
%
Why can't you see Kylie Jenner's dad?

Because he's transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cno6b0/why_cant_you_see_kylie_jenners_dad/
%
Professor X: What's your superpower?

Me: hindsight
Profesor X: Well that's not going to help us at all!
Me: hmmm yes I see that now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cno3r4/professor_x_whats_your_superpower/
%
Hey girl, are you hiding opiates in your bra?

Because I see a Perky-Set.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cno0j8/hey_girl_are_you_hiding_opiates_in_your_bra/
%
A Catholic boy in confession says “bless me father,i have sinned,i masturbated while thinking of my sister”.

“That’s a disgrace”,said the Priest. “Especially when you have two gorgeous brothers “.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnnxpq/a_catholic_boy_in_confession_says_bless_me/
%
Why do you bury politicians a 100 feet down?

Because deep down they’re really good people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnnunl/why_do_you_bury_politicians_a_100_feet_down/
%
Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnns1k/sitting_beside_my_girlfriend_i_said_i_love_you/
%
How do you drown a hipster?

You throw em in the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnnrw2/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
A guy was driving down the road with some monkeys in the back seat...

A policeman sees this and flags the car down and asks him about the monkeys.
Guy: These are my monkeys.
Policeman: You need to take them to a zoo. I'm letting you off with a warning today.
Next day, the cop sees the same guy driving the other way and flags him down.
Police: I told you to take these monkeys to the zoo.
Guy: I did yesterday and we had a blast. We are going to the beach today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnnrt7/a_guy_was_driving_down_the_road_with_some_monkeys/
%
I used to always say that size doesn’t matter.

But when I learned that my wife had a small penis it changed my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnnipm/i_used_to_always_say_that_size_doesnt_matter/
%
There was a company of soldiers fighting in a war....

After winning some hard fought battles, their commander tells them he’s gonna take them to a local friendly town so they can get a hot meal, a bath, and a good nights sleep. But first they have to decide who’s going to stay behind and hold down the encampment. After much deliberation it was decided Lt. Peters would be staying behind.
Upon reaching the town, the only place that could be found that could take them in for the night was a brothel. After the commander explained what his men required, the lusty female owner looked at the company of men and asked how many there were.
The commander replied, “Well, there are 49 of us without Peters.”
The owner then said “You have to be shitting me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnnhzs/there_was_a_company_of_soldiers_fighting_in_a_war/
%
My wife caught me dressing in drag and decided that we were over.

So I picked up her stuff and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnnhpo/my_wife_caught_me_dressing_in_drag_and_decided/
%
Which blood type causes the most mistakes in hospital?

Type-O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnnbyt/which_blood_type_causes_the_most_mistakes_in/
%
what's the hardest part about eating a vegetable

putting her back in her wheelchair when ur done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnnavj/whats_the_hardest_part_about_eating_a_vegetable/
%
You could call my sex life a symphony orchestra...

Because I have to Beethoven my room every night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnn2rs/you_could_call_my_sex_life_a_symphony_orchestra/
%
A Sunday School teacher is teaching kids about Heaven and asked the class their thoughts on which part of them would get to Heaven first.

Little Suzy says it's her heart, because she's so caring and loving. Angie says it's her brain, because she's smart and uses it to help people.
Tommy looks around and say "No, no, no. It's not your brain or heart. I know the answer to this one. It's your feet."
"Why your feet?" asked the teacher.
Tommy says, "Well last night I could hear my Mom screaming 'Oh God! Oh God! I'm coming, I'm coming!' and when I looked in her room her feet were in the air almost touching the ceiling! I think she would've reached Heaven if my Dad wasn't holding her down."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have a contractor that comes in every so often and has a dirty joke for me every time. I need to start writing them down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnn2fd/a_sunday_school_teacher_is_teaching_kids_about/
%
A French man loses his favorite olive oil, and becomes suicidal...

I've lost my huile d'olive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnn0ts/a_french_man_loses_his_favorite_olive_oil_and/
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I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnmu03/i_just_got_a_new_job_teaching_english_at_a/
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A rope in a bar

A rope went into a bar. But the bartender said there were no ropes allowed.
So the rope went outside and tied himself into a knot.
When he went back in the bartender said, “Are you the same rope who came in earlier?”
The rope said,” No, I’m a frayed knot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnm6o5/a_rope_in_a_bar/
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No one will talk about philosophy with me

I guess it's a pretty nietzsche subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnlpu5/no_one_will_talk_about_philosophy_with_me/
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I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism.

If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnleri/i_took_out_a_loan_to_pay_for_an_exorcism/
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I was going to make a pretty decent unboxing video today

However it’s against the rules to film in a cemetery...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnl66o/i_was_going_to_make_a_pretty_decent_unboxing/
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A homeless man saves a little girl ( very long)

I'm not sure if this has been said before but it's a long one that my brother told me. So here it goes:
A homeless man is sitting on a bench by a lake minding his own business when all of a sudden, a little girl falls into the water. Being the only other person around, the homeless man jumps in after her to save her life, which he does.
Then, a Lamborghini rolls up by the lake and a man steps out wearing a big Gucci coat  with rings, chains and diamond jewellry covering him. "You just saved my little girl, thank you SO much I am so grateful! Listen, I am a philanthropist, and I'm pretty stacked right now. I can give you whatever you want: a house, a car, hell I would even buy you a mansion!"
" Your welcome sir, but all I want is £10 pounds please" replied the homeless man. The millionaire was confused but complied with the mans request.
Late, the homeless man went to the local travel agents and said "hello madam, I would like to buy a holiday for £10 please". "£10!? Errm.. well I can look in the back store room for a leaflet but I'm not sure if there will be anything sir."
But sure enough, right at the back of one of the cupboards, there was a dusty leaflet for an annual cruise ship around the world with the lowest price of just £10 pounds. The man gladly took a ticket for the cruise and set of for the port.
When he arrived on the day, he showed his ticket and was about to board the magnificent cruise liner when he was stopped by one of the porters, "excuse me sir, we mean no offence but we don't want other guests to see you border the ship in your state, please could you come back at night so you can board when no one is around. They have quite high standards!". Not wanting  to start an argument, the man came back at night and was taken on to the top deck of the ship.
It was magnificent,  filled with gold Rembrandt paintings on every wall, a personal gym with a huge pool and a massive ball room just like the HMS Titanic.  This was truly first class, however the homeless man wasn't staying here. He was then taken to second class, one deck below, filled with silver and impressive paintings on every wall with decently comfortable living space, this however was not where the man would stay. He was then taken down through the ship, each time the living space became smaller and smaller and much less comfortable and luxurious until he was finally taken to his compartment. A small room right at the bottom of the ship just above the hull and next to the engine room. This was not luxury at all, but the homeless man didn't have high standards and gladly took his place in the little steel bedroom.
Then the man was told, " we don't want you to show your face in the higher decks during the day, but at night, we will let you use all of the top quality services and function rooms when no-one is around." The man thanked him and stayed in his room for the rest of the day.
At night, the homeless man went up the ship, past the sleeping people, gradually walking through to grander and more impressive rooms each time he ascended. once he had reached the top deck, the first thing he did was go to the diving board of the pool. He got to the top and jumped in with perfect form, performing front flips and mid-air cartwheels. The security guard ( the only other man awake on that deck) was bewildered. This homeless man was a more impressive diver than most of the olympians he had seen on TV! He rushed to the captain's quarters to tell him of this amazing feat. Intrigued by what he had heard from the guard, the captain went to the pool and asked the man to dive again. He also was amazed by the skill and precision shown off by just some random hobo. He exclaimed " Wow, amazing! I tell you what sir, on the last day of this cruise, I will get the mechanics to construct a huge diving board and you can show all the people on the cruise liner your diving talent for entertainment, they will love it!"
So for the rest of the cruise, the man stayed in his cabin at day and enjoyed the luxuries at night. Until after a few weeks, the final day was ready and the homeless man was called to the top deck in the afternoon. As he ascended he began to see this humongous ladder that was attached to a steel pole that was so large, he couldn't even see the top. So , as the captain and instructed, he started climbing. He climbed up past the highest part of the ship, he climbed past the seagulls that flew around the ship, he even climbed past the clouds in the sky going on and on. It took 2 hours of climbing this ladder until he finally reached the top, the edge of the atmosphere. Then he jumped. Even when reaching terminal velocity he kept excellent form, flipping in all directions , a sight to behold for all the passengers. He fell back through the clouds, back past the birds , back down into the ship, into the pool, through the pool, through the golden first deck, through the silver second deck, through the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, and ninth decks, past the engine room, through his metal cabin and even through the reinforced steel hull of the ship. Amazingly, he swam up to the side of the ship and was hoisted aboard again. " That was absolutely outstanding!! I can't understand how you managed to survive such a crash!" Said the mesmerised captain . " Well, I'm just a  homeless man you see" he replied, "I've been through many hardships in my life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnl624/a_homeless_man_saves_a_little_girl_very_long/
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I told my girlfriend you’re the only one I’ve been with..

The rest were 8’s and 9’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnl4qa/i_told_my_girlfriend_youre_the_only_one_ive_been/
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You know what they say about mathematics and religion..

Sin-ning can cos(t)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnl4b7/you_know_what_they_say_about_mathematics_and/
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A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnl47x/a_man_was_pulled_over_for_driving_too_fast_even/
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I told my wife I’m leaving her...

She said
May you die a slow and painful death!
Oh, you want me to stay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnl452/i_told_my_wife_im_leaving_her/
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Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene...

Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshots."
Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnl3nn/two_texan_cops_arrive_at_a_crime_scene/
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I asked my mom if she ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?

She said that rings a bell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnkywe/i_asked_my_mom_if_she_ever_heard_of_pavlovs_dog/
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Whats the most unrealistic part of the Harry Potter series?

That a ginger has two friends at school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnkyp9/whats_the_most_unrealistic_part_of_the_harry/
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[NSFW] What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnkwhq/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_three_dicks_and/
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My wife said that she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing this one song. At first I didn’t believe her...

But when I saw her face...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnkwgu/my_wife_said_that_she_would_leave_me_if_i_didnt/
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Why did the man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnkv1q/why_did_the_man_fall_into_the_well/
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My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born.

To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnkub4/my_mom_always_said_id_never_accomplish_anything/
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This woman at the bar called me ugly, but then I told her how much money I make

Then she called me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnkprw/this_woman_at_the_bar_called_me_ugly_but_then_i/
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A North Korean lady was in line in front of me at my bank in the U.S., trying to exchange some won. She was obviously irritated, arguing with the teller.

“Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla of won, today I get
only one hunat eighty. Why it change?”
Teller shrugs his shoulders, says, “Fluctuations.”
Korean lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnkm12/a_north_korean_lady_was_in_line_in_front_of_me_at/
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An elderly man and his elderly wife go to the doctor.

It was just a routine physical for the old man. But due to his old age, the doc required multiple tests.
"I will need a urine sample, stool sample, blood sample, and a semen sample. " The doctor says.
The elderly man was hard of hearing,
"WHAT?" He asks, unable to understand what the doctor said.
"HE WANTS YOUR UNDERWEAR" the wife shouted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnkkg9/an_elderly_man_and_his_elderly_wife_go_to_the/
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An old couple enters a cafe in normandy, overlooking the beach.

The couple are clearly tourists, and when the couple sits down at a table the waitress noticed that the old man is missing a part of his leg. Curious, the waitress approaches them and decides to ask why.
After asking the question the old woman answers, stating that her husband fought in the war and lost his leg and most of his hearing on the beach not far from here during the landing at Normandy.
Upon hearing this the waitress rushes to the kitchen without taking their order only to show up again moments later with a laden service tray and starts to put sandwiches, pancakes, cakes as well as 2 cups of coffee on the table. Confused the elderly lady tells the waitress that they didn't order this and don't have enough money with them to pay for all of this.
"Don't worry miss, I spoke with my boss and since your husband lost his leg while fighting in the war all of this is free."
The woman smiles in gratitude and leans towards her husband to repeat what the waitress just said directly into his ear after which he starts smiling as well, shakes the waitress her hand in gratitude and says:
"Vielen dank, das ist sehr nett von dir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnkkdu/an_old_couple_enters_a_cafe_in_normandy/
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What are the cow's cells made of?

Moolecules

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnkiox/what_are_the_cows_cells_made_of/
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I want the get 99 dudes together to sing Africa by Toto

Because that's something that 100 men or more could never do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnkhxh/i_want_the_get_99_dudes_together_to_sing_africa/
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I was kissing this girl and things were getting super sexy.

I said, "I forgot to buy condoms earlier. Fuck!"
She said, "Well, I haven't got one on me."
I said, "That's because you don't have a penis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnk5ln/i_was_kissing_this_girl_and_things_were_getting/
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how to pass gas

I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music.
After just a few songs I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...
That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnk2z9/how_to_pass_gas/
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My wife tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

But I refused, if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnk2wu/my_wife_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the_hood_of/
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I made a guy snort after telling him one of my jokes.

I'm quite bossy when it comes to cocaine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnk132/i_made_a_guy_snort_after_telling_him_one_of_my/
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A man walks onto a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy.

“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnjyud/a_man_walks_onto_a_rooftop_bar_and_takes_a_seat/
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I was in the strip club watching one of the women on the pole.

I leaned forward and shouted, "Mind if I have a dance?"
"Oh, honey, no problem," she smiled.
"Thanks," I said, ripping off my shirt. "Move over then, it's my turn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnjxpq/i_was_in_the_strip_club_watching_one_of_the_women/
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I drunkenly stumbled into the back of a taxi.

I burped a few times and the driver looked at me in his rear view mirror.
"It's £40 if you throw up on my seats."
I burped again.
Thankfully I was able to hold it down until we stopped outside my house. Another enormous burp escaped my lips.
The driver assessed me once more and said, "That'll be...£150, then mate."
At that moment I vomited everywhere, all over his seats, all over the floor of the taxi.
He was raging. "You fucking idiot!" he screamed. "Absolute imbecile!"
I reached into my wallet and said, "Here's your £40, thanks for the lift," and hopped out the taxi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnjwtd/i_drunkenly_stumbled_into_the_back_of_a_taxi/
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What do they call a chemist who makes sodas?

A fizzycist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnjwjv/what_do_they_call_a_chemist_who_makes_sodas/
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A dog walked into the bar

I forget the rest of the story, but your mom is a nice lady and everyone respects her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnjvtr/a_dog_walked_into_the_bar/
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I recently invented a golf ball that automatically goes in the hole if it’s within 6 inches of it.

Warning: Do not put the ball in your back pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnjuv5/i_recently_invented_a_golf_ball_that/
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I always say it's not the size that matters.

Probably why I lost my job at the shoe shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnjusa/i_always_say_its_not_the_size_that_matters/
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Did you know diarrhea is heredity?

It runs in your jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnjt0d/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_heredity/
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What do you call it when a team of ghostbusters visit a children’s hospital?

Spawn camping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnjryt/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_team_of_ghostbusters/
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Your winrar 30 day trial is over.

Please pay to continue using our service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnjqxj/your_winrar_30_day_trial_is_over/
%
Marijuana and coffee is my favorite combination

it's the reason ice mocha lot of weed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnjqjm/marijuana_and_coffee_is_my_favorite_combination/
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The police

Polce toay have sa they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnjomg/the_police/
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I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnjmx8/i_was_on_the_bus_the_other_day_when_this_young/
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Why aren't there more abortion jokes?

Because the delivery is generally a bloody mess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnj7u4/why_arent_there_more_abortion_jokes/
%
If you eat 25 tacos and pass out, you’ll wake up in..

Tacoma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnj6wh/if_you_eat_25_tacos_and_pass_out_youll_wake_up_in/
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What's the difference between Coke and Pepsi?

You can't snort Pepsi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnj1vf/whats_the_difference_between_coke_and_pepsi/
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As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife:

"I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cniyn8/as_he_lay_on_his_deathbed_the_man_confided_to_his/
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Went to a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. Shop owner counted out thirteen. I said, “You’ve given me one too many.”

He replies, “That one’s a freebie.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cniy5g/went_to_a_pet_shop_and_asked_for_twelve_bees_shop/
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A neutron walked into a bar...

A neutron walked into a bar and asked the barman how much for a pint.
the barman said “for you, no charge!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnix0y/a_neutron_walked_into_a_bar/
%
What do math and history have in common?

They both teach people about inequalities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cniuzx/what_do_math_and_history_have_in_common/
%
I once went on a trip to the North Pole

It all went south from there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnisg9/i_once_went_on_a_trip_to_the_north_pole/
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Why isn't your nose 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnirht/why_isnt_your_nose_12_inches_long/
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I really hope Death is a woman

That way it'll never come for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cniofz/i_really_hope_death_is_a_woman/
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What type of Apple's grow on trees ?

All of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnio8i/what_type_of_apples_grow_on_trees/
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What do you say to a vegan on the first date?

Stop crying, I'm trying to eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cninog/what_do_you_say_to_a_vegan_on_the_first_date/
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A man walks into a library

He asks the librarian:
"Do you have any good psychological thrillers?"
The librarian, panicking, leans down and yells into the microphone:
"Security needed at the entrance hall! Patient D56 has escaped his cell again!"
The man answers:
"Any others? I think I've read that one before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnils9/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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Communist jokes.

They aren't funny unless everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnij8g/communist_jokes/
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What's a difference between falling from 10th floor and falling from 1st floor?

First floor: \***THUD**\* "*Shit*!"
Tenth floor: "*Shit*!" \***THUD**\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnij0o/whats_a_difference_between_falling_from_10th/
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Why doesn't Jesus like Christian rock music?

Because it fucking sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnid4d/why_doesnt_jesus_like_christian_rock_music/
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What do the Seven Dwarfs say when they meet a pair of prostitutes?

Hi Ho, Hi Ho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cniawc/what_do_the_seven_dwarfs_say_when_they_meet_a/
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What is it called when Batman skips church?

A Christian Bale!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cniaas/what_is_it_called_when_batman_skips_church/
%
I've started dating a 6'9 woman recently...

We're having trouble seeing eye to eye on a lot of things however.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cni8z2/ive_started_dating_a_69_woman_recently/
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3 nuns are travelling in a bus when it crashes...

All of the nuns died instantly, and find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates, where St Peter is waiting for them.
He said to the nuns, "Before I can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question."
To the first nun, St Peter asks "Where did Adam meet the first woman?"
The Nun replied, "In the Garden Of Eden."
St Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened...
St Peter then turned to the second Nun and asked, "What was the name of the first woman in the garden of Eden?"
The second Nun promptly replied, "Her name was Eve."
St Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened...
St Peter then turns to the final Nun, and asks "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam in the garden of Eden?"
The Nun was stumped, and stood still for a very long time trying to recall the answer.
"Ooh, that's a hard one..." she muttered under her breath.
St Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cni7pl/3_nuns_are_travelling_in_a_bus_when_it_crashes/
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Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?

Because he was the raining champion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cni6qx/why_did_the_little_clouds_idolize_the_big_cloud/
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How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They use gaslighting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cni6p5/how_many_narcissists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cni5q2/the_other_day_i_asked_my_younger_cousin_if_hed/
%
Why are thots always thick?

Because they're always a mouthful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cni5nc/why_are_thots_always_thick/
%
My wife said I need to start being more environmentally friendly...

I could tell she was serious because she said, "This is the last straw!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cni3cy/my_wife_said_i_need_to_start_being_more/
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My wife says if I buy any more clothes she's gonna leave me...

I guess our marriage is hanging by a thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cni1xw/my_wife_says_if_i_buy_any_more_clothes_shes_gonna/
%
Which games console do religious women like to play on?

The nun-tendo wii

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnhyzb/which_games_console_do_religious_women_like_to/
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Hookers don’t fart

They let out little prosti-toots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnhvwi/hookers_dont_fart/
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What did the steak tell his son after he won the spelling bee?

Well-done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnhvrl/what_did_the_steak_tell_his_son_after_he_won_the/
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnhvkd/why_did_the_toilet_paper_roll_down_the_hill/
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The only 'B' word you should call a girl, is beautiful.

Bitches love being called beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnhfub/the_only_b_word_you_should_call_a_girl_is/
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Yesterday my wife said I must really be fucking stupid for coming home so late

Hey, it's not my fault her sister's an idiot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnh1a7/yesterday_my_wife_said_i_must_really_be_fucking/
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I pull up at a gas station in broadway to get a water

As I got out—now I can't make this up—I noticed 2 cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought that this lady must be stupid, crazy, or both.
I continued to go inside and got my water. As I was paying for it, I heard someone screaming. I looked outside and this woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm, running around like she had a good hit!When I got outside, the cops had the woman on the ground. They were putting the fire out!
Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the squad car. I was thinking, “Arrested? She should be in an ambulance, not handcuffed.” But being nosey, I asked what they were arresting her for. The cop looked at me just as serious as he could and said, "She was waving a fire arm.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnh0nn/i_pull_up_at_a_gas_station_in_broadway_to_get_a/
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So me and bill cosby walked into a bar

—I don’t remember the rest...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cngxaj/so_me_and_bill_cosby_walked_into_a_bar/
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I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cngitc/i_proposed_to_my_exwife_today/
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A story about a man named Yuri

There once was a man named Yuri.
Yuri had lived in Russia all of his life, in a small town near Moscow. The town had horrible weather conditions almost all of the time and very few people lived there. Everyone living in the town was struggling to survive in such poor conditions. Yuri had lived alone in a small house in this town. He worked every day at a factory that was close to this town. It was hard work, and Yuri was never very happy with his work, but he kept enduring the rough conditions to be able to have an income. Yuri's life had been like this for several years, and he had endured many hardships during these times.
Every day, while Yuri was taking his walk to the factory before work began, he always passed by a large billboard on the side of the road. The billboard changed every month or so, usually showing an irrelevant advertisement for something that Yuri had little interest in. Today, however, Yuri noticed a new advertisement on the billboard. It read, "SWIMMING LESSONS" in large letters, accompanied by a picture of a large man swimming through the water. This ad had given Yuri something to be interested in. He had always had an intense passion for swimming, but it was always too difficult to practice in the frigid waters of the lake near his home. Yuri continued to read the ad before he finally came to the price: 5000 Rubles base fee.
Yuri was sad, because this was much more than Yuri could afford to spend. However, he thought to himself, "If I could save up enough money from the factory work, then by the end of the month, I should have enough..." After this, he decided that day that he would work as hard as he could to make sure he had enough money by the end of the month. He even had to cut back his food supply by just a small amount to still have enough money. Finally, at the end of the month, Yuri finally had enough money to be able to go to the swimming pool not far from his home where the practices were being held.
Every day after his hard work at the factory, he greatly enjoyed going back to the pool and practicing his swimming. He had started quickly and advanced rapidly. Everyone who frequented the pool to practice their swimming was impressed by Yuri's natural ability to be able to learn and adapt so quickly, becoming very popular with the people at the pool, his hometown, and even in Moscow. It was truly a passion of Yuri's.
A few months had passed, and Yuri's amazing swimming abilities had been noticed by people in places all across Russia, considering a swimming prodigy. Yuri was always modest about his skills, but was humble nonetheless. However, he still had to continue his work at the factory, and live in the same small house he had lived in since he was born. For him, swimming was the one thing that saved him from the cruel and harsh life he lived.
Later that month, on his way to the factory once again, he had noticed that the billboard he so often passed had changed once again. While it was difficult to read in the unrelenting snowstorm, he managed to make out the words "DIVING PRACTICES" in big letters. Diving was something that Yuri had also found to be interesting, but could never find the time nor place to practice properly. The pool he went to had no diving boards or excessively deep sections of the pool, so it was hard for Yuri to practice diving. However, this would give him another opportunity to pursue what he wanted to do. He looked down at the bottom of the billboard and saw something that, like the other ad, made his heart drop. The base fee was 7500 Rubles.
Yuri knew that it would take another month or two of hard work at the factory to be able to achieve such a high sum of money. The factory was beginning to offer less and less money to Yuri, making life harder on him than it was before. He had to cut back his food money as well to accommodate for this. However, Yuri overcame the hardships in his life and save up just enough money by the end of two months.
The practices were held at another pool not far from the one he already went to, so it was easy for him to practice both swimming and diving at once. He continued to master his swimming skills while also learning how to practice diving. Much like with swimming, however, he had picked up skills quickly, and it only took him another few months before he had mastered diving.
Many people had heard of Yuri at this point. Several news stories across Russia were focused around Yuri, who was considered to be the best swimmer and diver in the whole country. He continued to remain incredibly modest through all of his interviews. "It is only something I am fond of, a hobby" Yuri would say. "I still have a life in the factory that I must attend to every day. It is a hard life, so swimming and diving are what I use to keep myself healthy." Despite his fame and popularity, Yuri did continue to work at the factory day in and day out, receiving little pay and little food for all of his hard work. Despite all of Yuri's hardships, he continued his daily routine of working, swimming, and diving.
For yet another time, Yuri was on his way to the factory. The billboard had changed once again. Yuri anticipated something exciting on the billboard, and he was not disappointed at what he saw. "TRAVEL TO AMERICA TODAY!" read the ad. Yuri was very interested. He had always heard of America, and had heard nothing but positive things about it. The land of the free! It was a very exciting idea to Yuri. However, he knew that with ads like these, he knew they would come at a steep price. Unfortunately, he thought correctly. The boats that traveled to America were advertised as costing 60,000 Rubles.
Yuri knew that that kind of sum would come from only another year or so of hard work at the factory. The factory work had become increasingly more difficult every single day, with little pay, food, and free time. However, he endured the next year the same way he endured the previous years: with swimming and diving. It truly was his passion, and Yuri was not sure on how he would have survived without them.
Finally, the year had passed, and Yuri had finally saved up enough Rubles to be able to ride the boat to America. He climbed aboard the boat with all of his possessions with him, all managing to fit in one small suitcase. The boat was somewhat small in size, being able to house only around 20 or so people. The boat set sail across the cold waters of the ocean. About a day had passed when people had finally recognized Yuri, the famed Russian swimmer and diver. They were all very excited to meet Yuri, and had several questions to ask him about his swimming skills. "It is nothing much, just a passion of mine, that is all. It is something I use to endure the hardships and trials of my life..." Yuri would always respond to his fans.
One day the boat had to make a stop at a small island to fill up the boat's gas supply, for they had much less than they had expected to have. It was a nice, sunny day outside, and the water was said to be very warm. One of the passengers asked Yuri to show off some of his diving techniques to his fans, since they had time to kill before the boat would depart again. "Hey, Yuri! While we wait, could you show us some of your diving skills? I would LOVE to see them!" Yuri was hesitant at first. Another passenger asked, "And maybe once you have done that, could you show us your swimming techniques? The water is warm, and it would make my day to see them!" Yuri replied, "Well... ok, if you all insist I do it."
Yuri looked off the side of the boat. On the bottom of the boat, a balcony extended from the bottom. Yuri feared he might hit the balcony on his dive down, but everyone else assured Yuri that he wouldn't hit it in a million years. Yuri stepped up over the railing, onto the side of the boat. With the same skill that he had used so many times before, he demonstrated his graceful diving skills by performing his favorite dive he knew. His fans watched in amazement as his body twirled through the air beautifully, showing the same amount of skill he put into each of his other dives. As he dove down towards the war waters below, people watched and expected for Yuri to land smoothly in the water.
Unfortunately, Yuri never landed in the water. He landed instead on the solid, hard deck of the boat's balcony below. The impact sounded painful, and all of the spectators winced on pain over his fall. Yuri remained motionless for several seconds, and his fans began to worry. Many people were about to call for medics when Yuri managed to get up slowly. "Are you alright Yuri? That fall looked hard! That must have broken some bones!" Yuri, however, had barely an injury. As he had gotten up, he simply regained his sense of direction. This had amazed several people, as that kind of a fall would have surely broken any other person's bones, if not killed them. Instead, Yuri simply stood up with barely a scratch, and waved back at the row of spectators.
"It is OK, everybody" Yuri yelled back. "I have endured many hardships in my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnghfx/a_story_about_a_man_named_yuri/
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What's the difference between an owl, a piano, and a tuna?

You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cngc81/whats_the_difference_between_an_owl_a_piano_and_a/
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What did the UN say to the Land of Pee when it officially became a country?

Urination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cngc3u/what_did_the_un_say_to_the_land_of_pee_when_it/
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Condom use on an aircraft

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.
They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the
same thing.
He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.
Right, get that condom on, she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what
they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement
over the PA system.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are
doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the
smoke detector."
And what were you thinking ?
I worry about you all sometimes !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cngbxb/condom_use_on_an_aircraft/
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

"SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cng0aj/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
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I tried posting a joke about a malfunctioning bomb earlier

But it never blew up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnfru7/i_tried_posting_a_joke_about_a_malfunctioning/
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Three Old Ladies sitting on a bench.

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench, just chatting the day away...like old ladies do.
A man in a trench coat walks up to them and suddenly flashes them with all his glory.
Well, the first old lady has a stroke right away.
The second old lady has a stroke soon after.
The third old lady, being more old and feeble, couldn't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnfj7w/three_old_ladies_sitting_on_a_bench/
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Scrambled Eggs

gseg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnfhmk/scrambled_eggs/
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What did one broken computer say to the other?

Error 404: response not found.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnfefx/what_did_one_broken_computer_say_to_the_other/
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Life sucks, work sucks...

Wife doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnfe0u/life_sucks_work_sucks/
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What do you called pickled bread?

Dill-dough!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnf3gr/what_do_you_called_pickled_bread/
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What do you call a Swedish baby with no heartbeat?

Still Bjorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cneyq5/what_do_you_call_a_swedish_baby_with_no_heartbeat/
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Why are all the jokes outdates for us?

Because we already Reddit.
This one too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnerig/why_are_all_the_jokes_outdates_for_us/
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Why don’t farmers let cows eat weed?

The steaks would be too high!
( I’ll see myself out...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnepng/why_dont_farmers_let_cows_eat_weed/
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Dave is in the court because of domestic violence.

"These papers say you beat your wife with a hammer" says the judge. "Is this true?"
"Yes," says Dave.
"Disgusting son of a bitch," says a man in the audience.
The judge proceeds. "Then, two weeks later, you beat your wife's mother with the same hammer. Is this true?"
"Yes," Dave sighs.
Again, the same man in thr audience exclaims, "Disgusting son of a bitch."
The judge decides to do something about it. "Listen up, if you insult him one more time, you'll be kicked outta here."
"I'm sorry," the man apologizes. "But I have been living in the same apartment as this motherfucker for two years! And every single time I asked for a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnelyj/dave_is_in_the_court_because_of_domestic_violence/
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Why did the QUEEN go to the dentist?

To get her teeth crowned!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnelr5/why_did_the_queen_go_to_the_dentist/
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer.....

I don’t know what it was laced with but I was trippin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnejgp/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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If a girl bangs a bunch of guys, she's called a slut, but if a guy does the same thing...

He's gay. Definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cneh33/if_a_girl_bangs_a_bunch_of_guys_shes_called_a/
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Why can’t dinosaurs clap?

Because they’re dead, you can’t clap when your dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cneh2h/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
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My dick may not be twelve inches...

But it sure smells like a foot.
Heard that from an old tugboat captain today and I had to share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cne7ob/my_dick_may_not_be_twelve_inches/
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Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.

It will be missed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cne4cg/today_i_donated_my_old_basketball_hoop_to_a/
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We should of known that Communism would fail

There were quite a lot of red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cndzzw/we_should_of_known_that_communism_would_fail/
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Did you hear about the hipster that burnt their tongue?

They ate pizza before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cndyx1/did_you_hear_about_the_hipster_that_burnt_their/
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O.C. A coupon has an existential crisis...

A coupon has an existential crisis. He's been sitting in  the utility drawer when he notices his expiration date is in a few days.Feeling useless, he walks out of the house and down the road until he comes upon a synagogue. In front of the synagogue is a Rabbi. The Rabbi asks: "Little Coupon! How may I help you?"
The coupon says "Oh Rabbi! I'm a coupon and my expiration date is tomorrow. I want nothing more than to fufill my destiny and be cashed in!" The Rabbi looks at him and says "I'm sorry but the best I can do is put you in our drawer and wait until you're needed"
The coupon is frustrated and leaves. Down the road he comes upon a church. A priest asks him" Little coupon, you seem in despair, may I help you?" The coupon says:" I am a coupon and I just went to a synagogue where the Rabbi said he couldn't help me with completing my life goal of being cashed in."
The Priest answers: "My son, you have come to the right place. Because Jews save but Jesus redeems."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cndxjx/oc_a_coupon_has_an_existential_crisis/
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I just heard that two of my friends got hurt while trying anal sex for the first time.

I guess it really rectum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cndv8k/i_just_heard_that_two_of_my_friends_got_hurt/
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Is that you, Mr. Mosquito?

In the flesh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cndur5/is_that_you_mr_mosquito/
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A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnduc7/a_girl_agreed_to_go_out_with_me_after_i_gave_her/
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What do politicians and diapers have in common

Both must be changed regularly and for the same reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cndrzc/what_do_politicians_and_diapers_have_in_common/
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Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad golfer goes *WHACK* "shit"
Bad skydiver goes "shit" *WHACK*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cndjia/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
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What did Tennessee?

What Arkansas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cndirt/what_did_tennessee/
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My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

A perfect 10, but also imaginary!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cndijf/my_girlfriend_is_the_square_root_of_100/
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My kids don't have Facebook

So I will never know when their birthdays are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cndg94/my_kids_dont_have_facebook/
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Thanks to the person who helped me translate 'mucho' earlier!

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cndb97/thanks_to_the_person_who_helped_me_translate/
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What do you call a midget fortune teller that just robbed a bank?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnd3tj/what_do_you_call_a_midget_fortune_teller_that/
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My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition

He was close, but no cigar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnd2j2/my_mate_came_second_in_a_winston_churchill/
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So Donald Trump was talking to one of his aides, and off on one of his usual rants

“We need less immigrants! Less Mexicans! Less Colombians! Less Guatemalans! Less Puerto Ricans!”
Finally the aide couldn’t take it anymore, leaned in and said quietly: “fewer.”
“I told you not to call me that yet!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnd0xg/so_donald_trump_was_talking_to_one_of_his_aides/
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A guy was down on his luck, and looking for odd jobs...

He knocked on the door of a house, and asked if they had any work so he could make a few bucks. The owner said, "Sure, mow the lawn, and when you get done, paint the porch." An hour and a half later there was knock on the door. "I'm done," the man said. "And by the way, that's not a porch - it's a Mercedes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cncxtk/a_guy_was_down_on_his_luck_and_looking_for_odd/
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What did the communists have before candles?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cncxgo/what_did_the_communists_have_before_candles/
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Why did the atheist fail algebra?

He never recognized a higher power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cncsru/why_did_the_atheist_fail_algebra/
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What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph?

It’s butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cncr1m/whats_the_last_thing_to_go_through_a_flys_head_as/
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Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,

I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cncqbq/nobody_showed_up_to_my_16th_birthday_party/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cncolw/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
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What do you call a porn actor with bad aim?

Mr. Completely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cncfro/what_do_you_call_a_porn_actor_with_bad_aim/
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Young couple is talking to the psychiatrist...

psychiatrist: What brings you hear?
Wife: My husband takes everything literally?
psychiatrist: And you?
husband: My car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cncd9q/young_couple_is_talking_to_the_psychiatrist/
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Capitalisation can really change a sentence

Help your Uncle Jack off a horse.
Help your uncle jack off a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnccf2/capitalisation_can_really_change_a_sentence/
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What happens if you blast Soviet national anthem in a private school?

It becomes a public school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnc6m4/what_happens_if_you_blast_soviet_national_anthem/
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What do you call a man who steals ac units?

An aircon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnc4b6/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_steals_ac_units/
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Why did the lesbian quit the Coast Guard?

Because she hated Seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnc0hy/why_did_the_lesbian_quit_the_coast_guard/
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God said to John, come forth and recieve eternal life,

But he came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnbwgi/god_said_to_john_come_forth_and_recieve_eternal/
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9 out of 10 people enjoy...

Group rape!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnbrxc/9_out_of_10_people_enjoy/
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How do Jewish people defend themself

Jewdo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnbrlo/how_do_jewish_people_defend_themself/
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Have you met Eric? He's a genie. He's not special or anything.

He's just Djinn Eric.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnbqq0/have_you_met_eric_hes_a_genie_hes_not_special_or/
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Your wife says you never buy her flowers

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is it true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnbmdl/your_wife_says_you_never_buy_her_flowers/
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Hey Girl, are you a school?

Because I'd love to shoot kids inside you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnbm7v/hey_girl_are_you_a_school/
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What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnbi9i/what_do_you_call_an_illegally_parked_frog/
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What’s the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a old bus station

Ones a rusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnbgs6/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with/
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So a guy walks into a bar...

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”
And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”
So the bartender is understandably ashamed.
And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.
And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”
And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”
But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”
And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”
And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”
So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.
And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”
And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”
And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”
And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”
And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”
And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!
And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”
And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”
And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.
And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.
And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”
And the pianist is, like, “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!”
And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.
And suddenly he has this revelation.
And he’s, like, “My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him.” And he starts weeping.
And the bartender’s, like, “No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.”
And the pianist is, like, “That’s not true. I’m worthless!”
And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, “Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.”
And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.
So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.
So the guy’s, like, “Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.”
And the genie’s, like, “Who says they’re broken?” And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.
And the guy’s, like, “Well done.”
And then the genie says, “That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.”
And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.
And the genie’s, like, “I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.”
And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnb7lo/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Adolf Hitler is judged very harshly by history

But at the end of the day, he's the one that killed Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnb6qv/adolf_hitler_is_judged_very_harshly_by_history/
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A Jew and a Chinese man are sitting at a bar

. As the Chinese man strikes up a conversation with the Jew, he notices that he is being met with an angry gaze. Mid sentence, the Jew pours his beer over the Chinese man’s head.
“What the hell was that for?”  said the Chinese man
“That was for Pearl Harbour!” Replied the Jew
“I’m Chinese!”
“Eh Chinese- Japanese it’s all the same to me” said the Jew with a smirk
The Chinese man begins to collect his things and decides to leave, after ordering one more beer, he closed his tab, got his coat and immediately poured his beer over the Jewish man’s head
“What the hell was that for?” Said the Jew
“That was for the Titanic” replies the Chinese man
“What do you mean?”
“Iceberg- Goldberg, it’s all the same to me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnb21w/a_jew_and_a_chinese_man_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
%
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then," said Bob who then proceeded to drop his pants, revealing the smallest penis the nurse had ever seen.  In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.  Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's genitals, she composed herself as well as she could. "I'm very sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.  Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?".
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnb1cv/of_course_i_wont_laugh_said_the_nurse/
%
Will glass coffins become a thing?

Remains to be seen...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnavup/will_glass_coffins_become_a_thing/
%
I haven't been to the gym in so long

I've gone back to calling it James.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnat96/i_havent_been_to_the_gym_in_so_long/
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My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnaska/my_wife_is_really_mad_at_the_fact_that_i_have_no/
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When I was growing up I was told to open doors for women

But when I did she screamed and flew out of the airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnajkn/when_i_was_growing_up_i_was_told_to_open_doors/
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My girlfriend is pirate thick

That’s thiccccccc with the seven C’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cnaf87/my_girlfriend_is_pirate_thick/
%
A blonde girl manages to break her door and takes it to a carpenter to get it fixed

Blonde: Could you please fix this for me?
Carpenter: Sure, but if you're here someone could rob your house
Blonde: Oh but how would they enter, the door is with me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cna0tp/a_blonde_girl_manages_to_break_her_door_and_takes/
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A police officer radioed the station for backup

Officer: Looks like that domestic disturbance is a homicide, old lady murdered her husband for tracking dirt on a floor she just mopped.
Dispatch: have you arrested her?
Officer: Not yet. The floor isn't dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn9zvu/a_police_officer_radioed_the_station_for_backup/
%
Why do men get circumcised?

Because no one avoids something that's 20% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn9xed/why_do_men_get_circumcised/
%
My doctor prescribed me a new medication.

It’s called Fukitol. Unfortunately, the pharmacy had none left to give.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn9w2e/my_doctor_prescribed_me_a_new_medication/
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What is the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn9qig/what_is_the_tallest_building_in_the_world/
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A guy walks into a bar carrying 3 ducks......

He has one duck in his left hand, one in his right hand and one under his left arm. The bar is very empty and he is the only patron. He sits down sets his ducks on the bar and has a few drinks. The bartender doesn't say anything because he would rather a weird customer with ducks than no customers at all. After a few drinks the patron gets up to use the restroom and leaves the ducks with the bartender.
An awkward silence fills the room and the bartender decides to break it up with some small talk. He turns to the first duck and asks him
"Whats your name duck? How was your day?
The first duck replies: "My name is Luey and my day was freaking amazing! It was the best day ever! I was in and out of Puddles all freaking day and it was great. Id do it every day for the rest of my existence if I could!"
The bartender nods his head and thinks to himself, damn that does sound like a good day for a duck. He then turns to the second duck and repeats the question: "Hey whats your name and how was your day?"
The second duck exclaims "My name is Huey and my day was also freaking amazing. I was in and out of Puddles all freaking day and Id do it a million times over if I could!"
At this point the bartender is pretty bored speaking with the ducks and is pretty confident he knows what the third duck did. So he turns to the third duck and states "Soo let me guess your name is Stuey and you had a great day in and out of puddles as well?"
The third duck looks straight at the bartender with a disgusted face and says
"NO my name is Puddles and don't ask me how my fucking day went!!!!"
- Poor Puddles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn9ot7/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_carrying_3_ducks/
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TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute....

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn9ib6/til_that_a_school_of_piranhas_can_strip_all_the/
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What did the yogi say when asked to leave?

Nah, I'mma stay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn9dfl/what_did_the_yogi_say_when_asked_to_leave/
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How long does it take an idiot to change a lightbulb

Tell me when you’re done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn99vv/how_long_does_it_take_an_idiot_to_change_a/
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Recently in court I was found guilty of being egotistical...

I am appealing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn8xe0/recently_in_court_i_was_found_guilty_of_being/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn8wjq/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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My doctor said there’s something very strange about my pulse

I asked him what, but he couldn’t put his finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn8trp/my_doctor_said_theres_something_very_strange/
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Baby snake asks his mom

“Are we venomous?”
Mom: “yes we are. Why do you ask?”
“I just bit my tongue.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn8onr/baby_snake_asks_his_mom/
%
I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn8g78/i_told_my_friend_a_joke_about_kidney_failure/
%
Drinking can cause memory loss.

Or even worse, memory loss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn8deb/drinking_can_cause_memory_loss/
%
As a blind man, I have a hard time eating fish

I can't seafood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn83l9/as_a_blind_man_i_have_a_hard_time_eating_fish/
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I want everyone to know that I got a needle for my turntable.

I just want to put it on the record.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn81xl/i_want_everyone_to_know_that_i_got_a_needle_for/
%
How does a Jewish person make beer?

Hebrew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn81vi/how_does_a_jewish_person_make_beer/
%
Which job has the most openings?

Doorman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn817y/which_job_has_the_most_openings/
%
What did one spice say to the other spice during sex?

I’m cumin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn7uyp/what_did_one_spice_say_to_the_other_spice_during/
%
What do you call a blind Nazi?

A Notsee
Reposted to fix title

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn7o0y/what_do_you_call_a_blind_nazi/
%
What kind of STD can you get from phone sex?

Hearing AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn7nc5/what_kind_of_std_can_you_get_from_phone_sex/
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What's the difference between America, and a tub of yogurt?

If you leave the yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn7mex/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_a_tub_of/
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My wife found “golden showers” in my search history and threatened to leave.

I let her go.
Gotta look out for number one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn7jxy/my_wife_found_golden_showers_in_my_search_history/
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I had a drug test at work today. It came back negative

My dealer has some explaining to do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn7ivl/i_had_a_drug_test_at_work_today_it_came_back/
%
Why doesnt Santa claus have any children?

Because he only comes once a year and it's down a chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn7hw1/why_doesnt_santa_claus_have_any_children/
%
Why are Americans so dumb?

because we shoot all the ones that go to school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn7gjo/why_are_americans_so_dumb/
%
What's the difference between a tick and the Eiffel tower?

None, because they're both paris sites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn79ez/whats_the_difference_between_a_tick_and_the/
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When I told my family I graduated from clown college…

… they all laughed at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn740w/when_i_told_my_family_i_graduated_from_clown/
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What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?

I don’t have a Porsche in my garage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn726c/whats_the_difference_between_a_pile_of_dead/
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Boudreaux lived down by the river in deep Louisiana.

On the other side of the river lived a guy named Clarence.
Boudreaux hated Clarence and Clarence hated Boudreaux. Every day since they were small children, they'd go down to their river banks and yell at each other across the river. They never really met each other because neither one could swim and neither one had a boat. So for years and years, every day, they'd just cuss at each other across the river.
Boudreaux would scream things at Clarence like, "Imma gonna come ovuh they one day and whup yuh ass so hard yuh gonna hava sheet otta yuh nose!"
Clarence would scream back, "yah, you come on ovuh hey and try da whup muh ass and I gonna stomp yuh face intu da ground and make boodan otta yuh head!"
One day, news spread throughout the bayou that the county was going to build a bridge across the river. Boudreaux was extremely happy. In glee, he said to his wife, "Sha, Imma finally gonna get to go whup that Clarence's ass!"
So, for months Boudreaux anxiously waited for the bridge to be completed until one day a neighbor came over and told Boudreaux that the bridge was done!
So he kissed his wife and said, "I'm gonna cross dat bridge and whup Clarence's ass and be back by suppa!" and off he went.
Later that evening, Boudreaux came back to his house looking sad and dejected. His wife asked, "did you get to whup that Clarence's ass?"
Boudreaux said, "Nah Sha, never saw him.  I ran away ‘cause it turns out he's ah big, big man. I mean a reeeally big, big man. If Ida gone ova they, he would have whupped me...probably even kilt me."
Boureaux's wife then asked, "How d'ya know he's a big man if yuh never saw him?"
Boudreaux said, "Well, I got to da bridge and dey was a big sign that said 'Clearance 12 Feet 6 Inches'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn6upk/boudreaux_lived_down_by_the_river_in_deep/
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Ahoy Matey!

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn6ju9/ahoy_matey/
%
My daughter just got proposed to by her boyfriend.

She was very sad, though, and called me the morning after. She asked me to come over, and I did.
When I got there, I told them congratulations! He was a good man, albeit a bit weird at times. I was very excited for the both of them, until my daughter pulled me into the other room and showed me her ring. She was crying.
It was simple; and like I said, my future son-in-law was a tad bit weird.
I squinted at it, and it appeared to be made out of wool, with a beautiful ruby on it. It was very pretty, for what it was worth, and I asked my daughter why she was crying about it.
“Don’t you see, dad? It’s obviously such a big red hair-ring.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn6gzt/my_daughter_just_got_proposed_to_by_her_boyfriend/
%
If the plural or mouse is mice, and the plural of louse is lice...

What does it really mean if my spouse wants to spice things up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn6dt9/if_the_plural_or_mouse_is_mice_and_the_plural_of/
%
Why did the blonde sniff artificial sweetener?

Because she thought it was Diet Coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn63ip/why_did_the_blonde_sniff_artificial_sweetener/
%
If you threw a green shoe into the Red sea, what would it become?

Wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn5ywc/if_you_threw_a_green_shoe_into_the_red_sea_what/
%
A Russian Doctor invented circumcision

Dr Ivan Karchakokov

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn5wj1/a_russian_doctor_invented_circumcision/
%
Guy walks into a restaurant bar.

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "$1".
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender  "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bartender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn5tc0/guy_walks_into_a_restaurant_bar/
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Bill Clinton and Bill Cosby are chatting...

Cosby: Have you ever had a cigar dipped in brandy?
Clinton: No, but I once had a cigar dipped in Monica.
Cosby: Now, why didn't I think of that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn5qmp/bill_clinton_and_bill_cosby_are_chatting/
%
Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn5nic/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
%
How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn5n1l/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
%
Did you hear about what happened at the Walmart in El Paso, Texas?

The Walmart that got turned into a Target.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn5csz/did_you_hear_about_what_happened_at_the_walmart/
%
My kids asked me why their tree house was in the shape of an octagon, I told them...

during the construction process, corners were cut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn5cjy/my_kids_asked_me_why_their_tree_house_was_in_the/
%
So, this occurred to me wile i was in need of a tie and mine was in the dryer, so i had to call my friend Mitch.

It's either get Mitch, or tie dryin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn5b6w/so_this_occurred_to_me_wile_i_was_in_need_of_a/
%
Goldstien at the Circus

A fellow is walking down the street in his hometown.  He spots a poster for a circus in town.  It mentions the usual circus-y things and ends with: "And the Amazing Goldstien!".
He decides to check it out.  There are clowns, trapeze artists and lion tamers.  Finally the Ringmaster steps into the spotlight and announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, the act you've all been waiting for!  The Amazing Goldstien!"
A frail-looking small man with wire-rim glasses and thinning hair steps into the spotlight and approaches a table with three walnuts lying on it.  He whips out his massive two-foot long penis, uses it to whack each walnut in turn and cracks them open!  The crowd leaps to their feet and break into thunderous applause!  Our local man is astounded.
20 years later, he happens across the same poster, still advertising: "And the Amazing Goldstien!".  "My God," he thinks, "He was ancient the last time!"
Sure enough, they save the best for last, and Goldstien slowly walks out.  Now completely bald, he is bent over and even shorter than last time.  His glasses are now very thick.
He walks up to a table that has three coconuts on it and repeats his performance from 20 years before.  The crowd goes wild!
Our local guy just has to talk to him, so he finagles his way backstage after the show.  He introduces himself to Goldstien and says, "Last time, you used walnuts.  Why the coconuts?"
Godstien replies, "Well, my eyes aren't what they used to be!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn5aca/goldstien_at_the_circus/
%
Mommy, mommy, may I play with grandpa again tomorrow?

No, dear, it's time he finally gets buried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn59zl/mommy_mommy_may_i_play_with_grandpa_again_tomorrow/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I've finally realized that I should never have given Timex my real email address when I filled out my warranty card," he complains to the bartender. "Now it looks like I'm on some sort of a watch list."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn53h8/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
%
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn53er/what_lies_at_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_and_twitches/
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(NSFW) What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn53bo/nsfw_what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the/
%
have another drink

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by  an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered  the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad  to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4yk8/have_another_drink/
%
What does a UPS truck in a lake and a Magic Mike show have in common?

A lot of wet boxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4w8q/what_does_a_ups_truck_in_a_lake_and_a_magic_mike/
%
I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4ulh/i_just_found_out_that_the_guy_who_stole_my/
%
What do gay horses eat?

Heyyy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4u1h/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
%
What's the hardest part about being a vegan cannibal?

Getting the vegetables out of the wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4rw7/whats_the_hardest_part_about_being_a_vegan/
%
It was too bad we could never figure out my grandfather's blood type in time.

He was so optimistic though. He kept telling us to B positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4r9a/it_was_too_bad_we_could_never_figure_out_my/
%
I can't forget my grandpa last words

Stop shaking the ladder you fucking cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4r2g/i_cant_forget_my_grandpa_last_words/
%
Why are Americans so good at shooting?

Because they practice in the best schools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4qew/why_are_americans_so_good_at_shooting/
%
Im never dating a tennis player again.

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4pp4/im_never_dating_a_tennis_player_again/
%
Dad joke

Son: dad, tell me a joke
Dad: pussy
Son: i don’t get it
Dad: you never will

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4pih/dad_joke/
%
There was a drug test at work today...

Mine came back negative. My dealer owes me an explanation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4olx/there_was_a_drug_test_at_work_today/
%
They've invented a new version of rugby where only people who wear glasses can play it.

It's a non-contact sport.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4o6l/theyve_invented_a_new_version_of_rugby_where_only/
%
What did the blood cell say to it’s depressed buddy blood cell ?

B positive .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4mm4/what_did_the_blood_cell_say_to_its_depressed/
%
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it”.
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50”. The next day someone stole it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4m08/some_guy_bought_a_new_fridge_for_his_house/
%
Why do mass shooting jokes never get old?

Because there’s a new one every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4lj0/why_do_mass_shooting_jokes_never_get_old/
%
*tips fedora at mosquito*

M'laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4hrw/tips_fedora_at_mosquito/
%
My grandmother died because the report said she had Type A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4f7d/my_grandmother_died_because_the_report_said_she/
%
How does a feminist deliver items?

She femails them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn49dd/how_does_a_feminist_deliver_items/
%
You can’t say that Hitler was 100% bad.

He did kill Hitler, after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn48g0/you_cant_say_that_hitler_was_100_bad/
%
My girlfriend and I caught each other cheating at the same time.

I was into prostitutes and she was into prostitution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4600/my_girlfriend_and_i_caught_each_other_cheating_at/
%
At the playground I asked a man which child was his

He smiled and replied that he hadn’t decided yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn45xz/at_the_playground_i_asked_a_man_which_child_was/
%
I was offered a job in a monastery laundry

I decided not to go through with it, I didn't want to pick up any dirty habits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn44bq/i_was_offered_a_job_in_a_monastery_laundry/
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How do you milk a sheep?

Put an apple logo on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn41cj/how_do_you_milk_a_sheep/
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a pornstar entering a barber shop, sitting next to a nun

the nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the pornstar is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun
the nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves
the barber then tells the pornstar: every evening the nun is at the cemetry, praying to god. just cover yourself with some old bed sheet, tell her you are god and then she will do anything for you
the pornstar prepares himself a sheet, cuts in holes for the eyes like those ghost costumes, and hides in the bushes at the cemetry
the nun realy shows up and is starting with her prayers
the pornstar jumps out of the bushes and says: my daughter, i will answer all you prayers, but first, you need to have sex with me
the nun agrees under one condition: it has to be from behind, because i want to keep my virginity
after they have finished.. the pornstar throws off his white sheets.. screaming "ahaha.. im the pornstar!!"
suddenly the nun throws of her frock screaming full of joy "haha.. and im the barber!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn4109/a_pornstar_entering_a_barber_shop_sitting_next_to/
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Someone died last night

Now we're in morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn3wym/someone_died_last_night/
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Justice is best served cold

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn3u0x/justice_is_best_served_cold/
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Joke about a man's ex wife...

A man was browsing Facebook when he saw a post saying that his ex-wife had passed due to an illness.
Immediately, he called her phone number. An unrecognizable male voice answered, "Hello?", and the man said, "Can I speak with Alice?".
The voice, sounded sad, and said, "I'm sorry but she passed away last night". The man promptly hangs up.
Then he called the number again and the same person answered. "Hello?" he asked. The man asked again, "Is Alice there?", and the man said, "Hey, I just told you that she's dead".
And the man said, "I know, I just love hearing that".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn3slc/joke_about_a_mans_ex_wife/
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Doctor doctor my girlfriend is pregnant..

Guy: But we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly appeared and jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun and shot the lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion..
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn3opg/doctor_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant/
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There wasn’t global warming in the Middle Ages because

the earth was flat back then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn3naw/there_wasnt_global_warming_in_the_middle_ages/
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I told my wife it was a lifetime dream of mine to become a politician.

"I'm all for it," she supported.
"You are?" I asked, surprised. "How so?"
"Well, look where it got JFK."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn3mp7/i_told_my_wife_it_was_a_lifetime_dream_of_mine_to/
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"Mommy, Mommy" joke

Child: Mommy, Mommy! I'm running around in circles!
Mother: Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn3iwx/mommy_mommy_joke/
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“What’s your name?" asked a policeman when he stopped me.

"Bartholomew." I said.
"And your last name?" he continued.
"It's always been Bartholomew." I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn3hpf/whats_your_name_asked_a_policeman_when_he_stopped/
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I read that apparently 1 in 10 young Germans believe Auschwitz is a type of beer.

I tried it once. It wasn't for me. Too gassy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn3gyn/i_read_that_apparently_1_in_10_young_germans/
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What's the difference between an Al Qaeda base and a Pakistan school?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn3dh1/whats_the_difference_between_an_al_qaeda_base_and/
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When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical.

When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn3c6e/when_an_object_is_not_symmetrical_it_is_called/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn3c58/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/
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I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn3bjy/i_asked_my_wife_why_she_married_me/
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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:
So their was a pimp walking down a block that he had THREE hoes working on. The THREE hoes were spread apart on the block. Each one of the THREE hoes had a corner of her own.
The pimp walks up to the first hoe and says "where's my 150 dollars?". The hoe then says "150? I only owe you 125 dollars". The pimp then slaps her and tells her "bitch! Don't correct me." The hoe then gives the pimp all the money that she's made.
The pimp now finds his way to his 2nd hoe and says "where's my 175$?". The hoe says "175? I only owe you 150". The pimp slaps the second hoe and tells her like he did the first "bitch! Don't correct me." He takes the money and moves on.
So now the pimp is at his THIRD hoe and yet again, demands his money. He tells the THIRD hoe "where's my 200 dollars?" The hoe says "200$? I only owe you 175." Once again just like the others, he slaps his THIRD hoe and says "bitch! Don't correct me". Collects his money and keeps it moving.
So now the pimp finds his way to his 4th hoe......
Now if and when the person your telling the joke to says some thing like "but wait. I thought you said he only had 3 hoes" then this is where you slap the taste out of their mouth and tell them "bitch! Don't correct me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn3879/a_trick_joke_to_bitch_slap_somebody_long_joke/
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The only reason Jeff bezos got a divorce

Was because he realised it was a union

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn375r/the_only_reason_jeff_bezos_got_a_divorce/
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When one door closes, another one opens.

Other than that it's a pretty good car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn350i/when_one_door_closes_another_one_opens/
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Why do witches wear no panties ?

To have a  better grip on the broom
Pervs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn34u2/why_do_witches_wear_no_panties/
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I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?
But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid napping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn2wyc/i_was_thinking/
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Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France﻿.
^(9,90$ to unlock an extra line.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn2qgs/why_is_ea_the_worst_gaming_company_in_america/
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Did you hear about the man who dropped his watch in the toilet?

He had a shitty time....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn2na0/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_dropped_his_watch/
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Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot

, the parrot was rude and often sweared to get what it wanted. One day, the owner couldn’t take it anymore, and decided to put the parrot in the freezer. The parrot started squawking profanities, until it finally stopped. The owner, in fear, opened the freezer door only to find the parrot hop onto his shoulder and say “ I apologise for my seemingly rude behaviour, I will try to change my behaviour and be nicer.” The owner, hearing this, feels happy. The parrot asked afterwards,
“May I ask what did the chicken did?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn2mp5/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_person_with_a_parrot/
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A nurse was walking through a maternity ward, checking on the new arrivals and their mothers..

She walked into the first room where a woman had hold of her precious newborn child with the face of an angel. She asked the mother what the name was, to which the mother replied,
"I called her Rose because when i was going into labour, a rose petal drifted in through the window and landed on my belly"
The nurse then walked into the second room where, once again, another precious baby was being held by her mother. Again she asked the mother what the new arrival was called, to which the second mother replied,
"I called her Daisy because when i was going into labour a small daisy drifted in through the window and landed on my belly"
The nurse then walked into the third room where she found a mother with a baby who looked less angleic than the other two she had seen. This baby was pretty horrifying to look at. Being polite, the nurse asked the mother what she had named her child. To which, the third mother replied,
"Brick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn2kse/a_nurse_was_walking_through_a_maternity_ward/
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"You have to help me," the atom says, "I've lost one of my electrons!"

"Are you sure?" it's asked
"Yes — I'm positive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn2krb/you_have_to_help_me_the_atom_says_ive_lost_one_of/
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It was on my birthday that i found out i married a cannibal...

When she swallowed all of my kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn2fsp/it_was_on_my_birthday_that_i_found_out_i_married/
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A perfectionist walks into a bar

...Apparently the bar wasn't set high enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn2cqi/a_perfectionist_walks_into_a_bar/
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I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"

The boss said "You have a wee cough?"
I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn29du/i_rang_work_and_i_said_i_cant_come_in_today_i/
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What's the difference between school shootings and mass shootings?

School shootings have more class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn27bk/whats_the_difference_between_school_shootings_and/
%
I decided to change my diet; I’m starting to eat hot poultry sandwiches.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn218l/i_decided_to_change_my_diet_im_starting_to_eat/
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A man smokes some weed and goes to buy some protein powder

He gets to the store but realizes that protein powder is super expensive. He decides to steal it, as it was a high whey robbery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn1v1i/a_man_smokes_some_weed_and_goes_to_buy_some/
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Why do geese use Head&Shoulders shampoo?

What’s good for the goose is good for dander

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn1uu8/why_do_geese_use_headshoulders_shampoo/
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As I suspected, Someone has been planting soil in my garden

The plot thickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn1rzx/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_planting_soil_in/
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A ghost flies into a bar.

The bartender sighs and says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn1r98/a_ghost_flies_into_a_bar/
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What's the worst part about eating a clock?

It's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn1qxr/whats_the_worst_part_about_eating_a_clock/
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Did Jesus die a virgin?

Oh absolutely not, he was nailed before he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn1krs/did_jesus_die_a_virgin/
%
An old lady at the bank asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn1d4e/an_old_lady_at_the_bank_asked_me_to_check_her/
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Did you know that my grampa has the heart of a lion

And a life time ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn1cbk/did_you_know_that_my_grampa_has_the_heart_of_a/
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when two German agents walk into the pub in London during WW2

, and one of them said to the waiter:
\- Two martini please.
The waiter:
\- Dry?
\- Nein! Zwei!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn1c6v/when_two_german_agents_walk_into_the_pub_in/
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I knew a successful businessman who decided to shut down everything and run a funeral parlor.

It was quite the undertaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn17tz/i_knew_a_successful_businessman_who_decided_to/
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I thought the car was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn172x/i_thought_the_car_was_getting_bigger/
%
My Polish grandmother used to perform for a ballet company...

It was always awkward listening to her Pole Dancing stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn12j3/my_polish_grandmother_used_to_perform_for_a/
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What’s the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for long enough, it develops culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn10t5/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_yogurt/
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Did you guys hear about the new exorcist movie?

This time it's the devil trying to get the priest out of the kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn0za0/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_new_exorcist_movie/
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Puns about communism arent funny

unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn0vb3/puns_about_communism_arent_funny/
%
Two chemists was into a bar

Chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O please.
Chemist 2: I’ll have some water too
Chemist 1: *walks away frustrated that his assassination attempt failed*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn0qr8/two_chemists_was_into_a_bar/
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What did the sassy vegetable say?

Bitch, peas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn0jl1/what_did_the_sassy_vegetable_say/
%
My flaccid penis is square shaped...

When I get hard it becomes an erectangle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn0iig/my_flaccid_penis_is_square_shaped/
%
I felt like the plane was heading the wrong way...

so I asked our pilot Yoda if we were going the right way to which he responded, "Off course we are!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn0hrm/i_felt_like_the_plane_was_heading_the_wrong_way/
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Why do swedish warships have barcodes on them?

So they can Scandinavian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn09rd/why_do_swedish_warships_have_barcodes_on_them/
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WHat do you call two transgender midgets having sex?

A microtransaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn08fm/what_do_you_call_two_transgender_midgets_having/
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How should you write words like "fuck", "shit", "bitch", or "damn?"

In cursive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cn063o/how_should_you_write_words_like_fuck_shit_bitch/
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Me: this math stuff isn't gonna help us in the real world

\[20 years later\]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmzyf7/me_this_math_stuff_isnt_gonna_help_us_in_the_real/
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What do you call a fake koi fish?

A dekoi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmzyf1/what_do_you_call_a_fake_koi_fish/
%
If you're still scared of the dark

Lighten up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmzy16/if_youre_still_scared_of_the_dark/
%
I drove past a camp...

It was past-tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmzwm4/i_drove_past_a_camp/
%
There is no link between violence and video games...

But there is a link between violence and lag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmzv1s/there_is_no_link_between_violence_and_video_games/
%
I was applying for the Australia Visa. And the interviewer asked

Interviewer: Sir, do you have a criminal record?
My dumbass: No, is that still required?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmzuia/i_was_applying_for_the_australia_visa_and_the/
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What’s worse than a heartbreak?

When I drop my grinder and it’s open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmzqop/whats_worse_than_a_heartbreak/
%
When I canceled my gym membership,

I had to hand in my too weak notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmzp7t/when_i_canceled_my_gym_membership/
%
What is a mute person's favorite food?

A shushkebab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmznbr/what_is_a_mute_persons_favorite_food/
%
I saw Sir Ian McKellan handing out leaflets about how Dumbledore and Merlin were fake clones of Gandalf

I had a look at one of the leaflets, and it turned out to be the usual propagandalf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmzij9/i_saw_sir_ian_mckellan_handing_out_leaflets_about/
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If Roe v Wade is reversed, we are going to have a huge problem on our hands.

No one can pronounce Edaw v Eor correctly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmzgjf/if_roe_v_wade_is_reversed_we_are_going_to_have_a/
%
A time traveler walks into a bar

*You would think he had learned to duck the first time
*...again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmzbi6/a_time_traveler_walks_into_a_bar/
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I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids.

But when I got home they were still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmz8u2/i_had_a_vasectomy_because_i_didnt_want_kids/
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What did the spaceship say when it landed on the moon?

I Apollogize!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmyyq3/what_did_the_spaceship_say_when_it_landed_on_the/
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Betsy: If you have $2, and you ask your father for $4, how much money will you have?

Billy: Two dollars.
Betsy: You don't know your math.
Billy: You don't know my father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmyumu/betsy_if_you_have_2_and_you_ask_your_father_for_4/
%
Why do Scottish people wear kilts?

The sound of the zipper scares the sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmyudy/why_do_scottish_people_wear_kilts/
%
What do you call a masterbating cow?

Beef stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmytbz/what_do_you_call_a_masterbating_cow/
%
What do you call a Hen staring at a bowl of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmyrmk/what_do_you_call_a_hen_staring_at_a_bowl_of/
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This weekend I'm curing my masturbation addiction once and for all...

Either I'm going to beat it, or I'm going to beat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmyllq/this_weekend_im_curing_my_masturbation_addiction/
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A blind man received a silver chestnut grater for Christmas

He said it was the most violent thing he had ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmykrk/a_blind_man_received_a_silver_chestnut_grater_for/
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What do you call someone who sexualizes Earthbound?

A Motherfucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmyf8y/what_do_you_call_someone_who_sexualizes_earthbound/
%
Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones that go to school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmyeri/why_are_americans_so_stupid/
%
I'm sure this has been posted here but: A duck walks into a bar

The duck asks the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender, perplexed, says no, and the duck heads back out. The next day the duck comes back and asks again "Got any grapes?" The bartender again says no, this time a little bit irritated, so the duck leaves. The next day he comes back yet again and asks the same question. "Got any grapes?" The bartender, this time infuriated, says "No, and if you come in here and ask again I'll nail your beak to the bar!" So the duck backs off and leaves the bar yet again. However, the next day, the duck comes back once more. He asks the bartender "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says no. Then the duck asks, "Got any grapes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmyenm/im_sure_this_has_been_posted_here_but_a_duck/
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My friend died the other day because we couldn't remember his blood type.

He kept yelling at us "be positive!" so clearly he had a much better outlook than we all did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmyd60/my_friend_died_the_other_day_because_we_couldnt/
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Here's a funny joke:

**I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmyb7c/heres_a_funny_joke/
%
My wife and I agreed to have each other cremated upon our deaths.

That’s when I knew we were a ‘match’ for one another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmyax8/my_wife_and_i_agreed_to_have_each_other_cremated/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Irishman looks over to the bar and sees, who he thinks, is Jesus.
The Irishman gets the attention of the other two.
"Look, lads. It's Jesus!"
Skeptical, the two guys laughingly ask him to go go and ask the man at the bar if he is, in fact, Jesus.
Brazenly, the Irishman walks up to the man and says.
"Excuse me, sir. Are you Jesus?"
"Yes" replies the man
The Irishman, knowing his friends would want proof, asks the man to prove that he is Jesus.
The man orders a water, and turns it into wine.
"Aye, but that could be a trick" the Irishman says.
The man then shows the Irishman the holes in his hands and feet.
"Aye, but they could be piercings" says the Irishman.
Growing tired of the skepticism, the man takes the Irishman by the hand. The Irishman winces at this as his hands had been riddled with arthritis for years. The man holds his hand, and the arthritis disappears.
The Irishman goes back over to his table.
"Lads, lads. That's deffinetly Jesus. He turned water to wine, has holes in his hands and feet and cured my arthritis"
The Scotsman, seeing the Irishman's hands, felt he had to see for himself. He goes up to Jesus and asks him to prove it. Jesus, again, turns water to wine and shows the holes in his hands and feet. The Scotsman then says.
"Jesus, I've been a plasterer for 25 years and my back and shoulders give me a lot of trouble. Can you do anything about that?"
Jesus holds the Scotsman's hand and rids him of his pain.
The Scotsman goes back to the table.
"That's Jesus, alright. He turned water to wine, showed me the holes in his hands and feet and took away my muscle pain!"
The Englishman thinks he's being had on. There's no way Jesus is at the bar. So, he walks up to the man.
"I heard you were Jesus"
"That, I am." Replies Jesus
"Prove it" the Englishman retorts.
Jesus then repeats the process that he had gone through with the other two. He turns water to wine, shows him the holes in his hands and feet and then reaches out to grab the Englishman's hand.
The Englishman then yells at Jesus.
"The fuck are you doing? Don't touch me. I'm collecting benefits for these injuries"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmy8tu/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_walk/
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Here's one joke:

**Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmy6db/heres_one_joke/
%
It's Jamaica hairstyle day at work tomorrow.

I'm dreading it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmxurh/its_jamaica_hairstyle_day_at_work_tomorrow/
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Why do white girls always walk in pairs of threes?

Because they literally can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmxtxf/why_do_white_girls_always_walk_in_pairs_of_threes/
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What's black and white and read all over?

Aw crap, I don't think this joke works in text...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmxo7d/whats_black_and_white_and_read_all_over/
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I hate that my wife gives my dog kisses even though he eats his own shit.

She sucks my dick with that mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmxf9j/i_hate_that_my_wife_gives_my_dog_kisses_even/
%
Why are school shooting jokes so popular?

Because they’re aimed at young people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmxei3/why_are_school_shooting_jokes_so_popular/
%
Here's an afterthought.

thought an.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmxebg/heres_an_afterthought/
%
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet”

“Why the fuck is there a cabbage at this party?” thought the DJ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmx8hd/a_cabbage_said_to_a_dj_lettuce_turnip_the_beet/
%
My friend is always the smartest person in the room.

Mainly because he has bad taste in rooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmx8bl/my_friend_is_always_the_smartest_person_in_the/
%
Why do Americans hate school shooting jokes?

Most of them are aimed at younger audiences so the adults can’t have any fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmx4qt/why_do_americans_hate_school_shooting_jokes/
%
What's curvy, crunchy, and caws?

A Pringull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmx2id/whats_curvy_crunchy_and_caws/
%
Fish will be extinct by 2020 in the US

Their fault cause they gather in schools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmx25k/fish_will_be_extinct_by_2020_in_the_us/
%
Whats the sequel to fortnite?

Month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmwyx8/whats_the_sequel_to_fortnite/
%
My great uncle died in the hospital because they didn’t know his blood type

He held my hand through it all and said “Be positive”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmwt5k/my_great_uncle_died_in_the_hospital_because_they/
%
After four months of sobriety, my cat relapsed and started doing catnip again...

The worst kind of nip-slip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmwna6/after_four_months_of_sobriety_my_cat_relapsed_and/
%
I got a license but

I don't have a h🥑

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmwdxy/i_got_a_license_but/
%
A man walks into a pet store...

A man walks into a pet store and sees three parrots, two of which are awake and alert and the third has his head tucked under his wing, asleep. Interested, the man questions an employee. "What can you tell me about these parrots? How much do they cost?"
"The first one is called Peter, and he is $2,500.00. Why? Because he knows how to type letters. The second one is called Paul, and he is $5.000.00. Why? Because he knows how to type letters and use all of Microsoft Office. And this sleepy bird right here, he's John. John is $25,000."
Unable to contain himself, the man gasps. "Why is that parrot worth $25,000? What can he do?"
"You know, I'm not really sure. What I do know is that the other two parrots call him 'boss.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmwb4p/a_man_walks_into_a_pet_store/
%
What's Hitler's favorite video game?

Mein Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmwa8q/whats_hitlers_favorite_video_game/
%
I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmw7du/im_going_to_freeze_myself_at_a_temperature_of/
%
I added princess Diana as a profile on my Xbox

But unfortunately she's only on the dashboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmw5dm/i_added_princess_diana_as_a_profile_on_my_xbox/
%
A bartender says ‘Sorry, we don’t serve time travellers here.’

Two time travellers walk into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmw2vv/a_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
%
My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmvy11/my_grandfather_died_because_the_report_said_he/
%
A punny list

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
Nope. Unintended.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
The broom swept the nation away.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.
I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.
What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
Sausage puns are the wurst.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.
What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.
Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.
Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.
Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.
Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.
What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.
What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.
What do you call a spanish pig? Porque.
What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.
Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.
A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.
How do trees access the internet? They log on.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmvqlh/a_punny_list/
%
A man was walking down the street

When he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted
ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at
a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going
to give you money. Instead, I'm going
to take you home for a hot shower
and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that?"The man replied,
"That's okay. It's important for her
to see what a man looks like after he
has given up drinking and golf.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmv7wi/a_man_was_walking_down_the_street/
%
I Don't Usually Tell Dad Jokes

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmv4p3/i_dont_usually_tell_dad_jokes/
%
Two cowboys were lost in the desert and were starving hungry.

Finally, they see a tree in the distance draped with bacon.
“Look,” says one cowboy, “it’s a bacon tree, we’re saved!”
He runs to the tree but suddenly is shot down in a hall of bullets.
With his last dying breath, he says: “it’s not a bacon tree, it’s a ham bush.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmuqsr/two_cowboys_were_lost_in_the_desert_and_were/
%
A recent study shows that 8 out of 9 people vaccinate their kids.

That's one asinine statistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmuo3u/a_recent_study_shows_that_8_out_of_9_people/
%
I pray every night for a new bicycle when I was young

Then I realized that is not how God works
So I stole one and pray for forgiveness instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmulx6/i_pray_every_night_for_a_new_bicycle_when_i_was/
%
Proper finger placement on a keyboard...

... is the difference between a doctor hacking off your appendage.... and a doctor jacking off your appendage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmukme/proper_finger_placement_on_a_keyboard/
%
I added Paul Walker to my Xbox

But all he does is spend time on the dashboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmuj3w/i_added_paul_walker_to_my_xbox/
%
An elephant lost 25% of his tusks

tsk tsk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmuiln/an_elephant_lost_25_of_his_tusks/
%
I wasn't going to tell any jokes about mass shootings

But I figured I'd take a shot.
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmugl7/i_wasnt_going_to_tell_any_jokes_about_mass/
%
I hope death is a woman

That way it will never come for me.
Edit 1: Thank you so much for the silver!!
Edit 2: 1500+ upvotes holy crap!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmufro/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
Two priests are walking down the street when a man approaches them, "I'm Jesus Christ," says the man

Priest one: "I don't believe you're our Lord and Savior"
The man turns to the second priest and tells him, "I'm Jesus Christ."
Priest two: "I agree with him, you're not Jesus."
Man: "Well if you walk a couple blocks with me, I can prove that I am Jesus Christ."
The agree to follow him and they arrive at a bar. As soon as they walk in the bartender says "Oh Jesus Christ, not you again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmucld/two_priests_are_walking_down_the_street_when_a/
%
I'm super lazy today....

Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmu98b/im_super_lazy_today/
%
Your mum is so fat, she starts the alphabet with O

"OBCD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmu20v/your_mum_is_so_fat_she_starts_the_alphabet_with_o/
%
I just bought my wife a get better soon card...

She’s not sick, I just think she can do better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmtw4c/i_just_bought_my_wife_a_get_better_soon_card/
%
Just heard the new song “Stayin’ Dead”

By the Ouijas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmtuem/just_heard_the_new_song_stayin_dead/
%
KFC joke.

Why don’t they have toilet paper at KFC?
Because it’s finger liking good!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmttxf/kfc_joke/
%
Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic -- that's my big point right there.

I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid was going, 'Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!'
KP Anderson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmtts3/anything_can_be_comic_and_anything_can_be_tragic/
%
What’s green and smells like pork?

Kermit the frogs fist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmttic/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
%
Why cant Mexico win the Olympics

Cause everyone who can run, jump, and swim are in the us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmtmpi/why_cant_mexico_win_the_olympics/
%
Two roman centurions met up while on the road.

A roman centurion remarked to another: "Guess how women many I had sex with?"
Second roman centurion: "mmm"
First centurion: "Jeez not that many!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmtfcx/two_roman_centurions_met_up_while_on_the_road/
%
If video games lead to violence

Then I would have killed a lot more people than I already have

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmtekp/if_video_games_lead_to_violence/
%
My mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmte2t/my_mom_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
%
Wife: “I look fat. I feel really down, can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmtdhv/wife_i_look_fat_i_feel_really_down_can_you_give/
%
Why does Mexico suck in the Olympics?

Because everybody that can run, jump, and swim is already in the US

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmtczk/why_does_mexico_suck_in_the_olympics/
%
A friend asked me if I had ever heard the song "Wonderwall" by Oasis.

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmtbt3/a_friend_asked_me_if_i_had_ever_heard_the_song/
%
how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

one, but the light bulb has to really *want* to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmtbsf/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How many eye doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One... or Two....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmtb9b/how_many_eye_doctors_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A man walks into a bar....

A man walks into a bar. He orders a drink. The bartender is a robot. The robot serves the man his drink and asks the man "What is your IQ?" The man says "150." The robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming, nanotechnology, and quantam physics. The man is very impressed and decides to test the robot.
He finishes his drink and leaves the bar, but goes back in a minute later. He orders another drink and the robot again asks "What is your IQ?"
"About 100." The robot proceeds to make conversation about sports, supermodels, fast food, and guns. Impressed again the man finishes his drink and decides to test the robot one more time.
He leaves and comes back again. The robot serves him another drink and asks "What is your IQ?"
"50"
The robot says "So are you going to vote for Trump again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmtb2n/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Sometimes when I am away from home I get lovesick

Or Chlamydia as it's better known.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmt9sd/sometimes_when_i_am_away_from_home_i_get_lovesick/
%
If Gods favorite guitar chords is a Gsus....

The is the Priest's favorite chord A minor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmt973/if_gods_favorite_guitar_chords_is_a_gsus/
%
What's God's favorite chord? (music joke)

G sus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmt3jo/whats_gods_favorite_chord_music_joke/
%
Ladies- if you realize you’re angry because of your period, ....

would that be considered an ovary-action?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmsul3/ladies_if_you_realize_youre_angry_because_of_your/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight....

There will be mass confusion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmsu8u/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
A father is making breakfast for his son:

Dad: What would you like to drink?
Son: Soy milk
Dad: Hola milk, soy padre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmstn7/a_father_is_making_breakfast_for_his_son/
%
I know an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry.

He mined his own business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmstk7/i_know_an_introverted_entrepreneur_in_the_coal/
%
Why do American schools have a moment of silence in the morning?

Because that’s when they let the guns do the talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmstjk/why_do_american_schools_have_a_moment_of_silence/
%
What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmsta0/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_woman_with_a_yeast/
%
My wife spent the last 2 hours complaining, so i eventually told her that she had to embrace her mistakes

She looked straight in my eyes for about 3 seconds and then gave me a very big hug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmslm8/my_wife_spent_the_last_2_hours_complaining_so_i/
%
My girlfriend

Can't believe my girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
And with her ankles showing - the slut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmskgr/my_girlfriend/
%
Why is Europe like a Frying Pan?

Because it has Greece on the bottom...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmsju5/why_is_europe_like_a_frying_pan/
%
I come from a family of failed magicians

I have two half sisters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmsgif/i_come_from_a_family_of_failed_magicians/
%
Hoooonk

police: do you have an idea why I ask you to pull over?
me: because of the-
car passing by: HONK
me: because of the-
2nd car passing by: HONK
me:
police:
me: because of the-
3rd car driving by: HOOONK
me: because of the “honk if you think cops have micropenises” bumper sticker?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmsfnn/hoooonk/
%
Do you know the definition of incorrectly?

If it goes in smooth and feels good then it's incorrectly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmsezh/do_you_know_the_definition_of_incorrectly/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't  care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmscfj/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell......

.....As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil
Satan: Why so glum?
Biker : Why do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Biker : Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
Biker : Gee that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Biker : You better believe it.
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Biker : Wow that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Biker : Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Good, because Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.
Biker : Cool!
Satan: What about Drugs?
Biker : Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean?
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares?
Biker : Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Biker : No!!!
Satan: Ooooh, You are gonna hate Fridays!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmruv9/one_day_a_biker_dies_and_finds_himself_in_hell/
%
I just realized something about Russian roulette

It's a mind-blowing game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmrs15/i_just_realized_something_about_russian_roulette/
%
A man comes home from work and finds his wife packing her suitcase.

Husband: What are you doing?
Wife: I heard that they pay $400 for blowjobs in Vegas, so I'm leaving you and I won't need a man to ever support me again.
Husband: Hmmmm
Wife: What are you packing for I said I'm leaving you!!
Husband: I know! I just want to see how you live on $800 a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmrrx4/a_man_comes_home_from_work_and_finds_his_wife/
%
I can never say no when girls asks me for sex.

Perhaps it's because they never ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmrozc/i_can_never_say_no_when_girls_asks_me_for_sex/
%
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…

…but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmrnux/i_spilled_some_acid_on_my_aluminum_fork_and_it/
%
How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None.  They'll leave it how it is, expect millennials to clean up after them, and call them selfish and entitled when they get called on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmrlsk/how_many_baby_boomers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What do you call a catapult from Tamriel?

Khayeet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmrkv0/what_do_you_call_a_catapult_from_tamriel/
%
I feel sad that Captain Hook never made it to Admiral

I guess it didn’t Pan out for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmrk1d/i_feel_sad_that_captain_hook_never_made_it_to/
%
A ghost walks up to a non-alcoholic bar.

“Get out of here,” said the bartender. “We don’t serve spirits!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmriyc/a_ghost_walks_up_to_a_nonalcoholic_bar/
%
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Mississippi?

Because if it were invented anywhere else it would be a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmrgfj/did_you_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
%
I told someone that I liked lollygagging in my free time at work.

There are FBI agents outside. Please send help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmre0f/i_told_someone_that_i_liked_lollygagging_in_my/
%
Last night my wife and I argued for hours as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Eventually.... I folded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmrbj7/last_night_my_wife_and_i_argued_for_hours_as_to/
%
A boy is sitting crying on a church stairs....

A stranger walks by and asks him: Why are you crying little one? What happened?
Boy: \*sobs\* My mother died.
stranger: I´m so sorry, do you want to go in and talk to a priest maybe?
Boy: \*shakes his head\* Not really. I´m really not in the mood for sex right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmra4q/a_boy_is_sitting_crying_on_a_church_stairs/
%
Do you know why roach clips are called roach clips?

Because potholders was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmr6o7/do_you_know_why_roach_clips_are_called_roach_clips/
%
Last Will and Testament

**Last Will & Testament:**
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak. "My son, Sam, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound.
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:
"Mrs Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.
The wife replies, "The asshole has a paper route".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmr6ik/last_will_and_testament/
%
Applying cream

I went back to see my doctor today.
I said, "I applied the hemmeroid cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.
I replied "on the bus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmr3m4/applying_cream/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin-teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmr1s6/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
I remember as a child my parents filling my head with nonsense such as the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy.

Now I dont believe in any of that made up rubbish, thank God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmqzh2/i_remember_as_a_child_my_parents_filling_my_head/
%
Why do owls get invited to parties?

Because they’re a HOOT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmqyg4/why_do_owls_get_invited_to_parties/
%
Stay away 7 STAY AWAYYYYY

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmqy96/stay_away_7_stay_awayyyyy/
%
I'm wanted in three states,

And not wanted in dozens more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmqtmr/im_wanted_in_three_states/
%
Husband: Babe, studies show that having sex is the same as running 10 kilometres

Wife: Bullshit, who runs 10 kilometres in 30 seconds?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmqnyl/husband_babe_studies_show_that_having_sex_is_the/
%
What does a Jewish barista do at work?

Hebrew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmqkfv/what_does_a_jewish_barista_do_at_work/
%
Why did the music teacher get fired?

For fingering A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmqgqg/why_did_the_music_teacher_get_fired/
%
My friend Lee likes to allow extra time for his schedule.

That's just the LeeWay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmqea2/my_friend_lee_likes_to_allow_extra_time_for_his/
%
I got a vasectomy. But my girlfriend still got pregnant....

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmqbl4/i_got_a_vasectomy_but_my_girlfriend_still_got/
%
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?

Because it has rust issues!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmqatv/why_doesnt_iron_form_a_good_bond_with_other_metals/
%
My girlfriend left me because I wouldn’t stop quoting Linkin Park lyrics...

...but in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmq81f/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_i_wouldnt_stop/
%
An elderly couple is dancing on a cruise ship when the wife falls overboard.

The ship spends the next day searching for her, but after finding nothing they return to port. The captain tells the husband they will go back out with a search party to look for his wife, and if they find anything they will call him.
A week later, the husband gets a call from the captain. He tells him they found his wife at the bottom of the ocean. "When we got her body onto the ship, there was an oyster attached to her hand, and inside the oyster was a large pearl worth $10,000." The husband responds, "That's great! Send me the pearl and rebait the trap."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmq20d/an_elderly_couple_is_dancing_on_a_cruise_ship/
%
I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmpuzc/i_have_an_epipen/
%
Time Travel

-Ght Now!
What do we want?
Time Travel Jokes!
When do we want them?
Ri-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmpryr/time_travel/
%
What's the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus

It only takes one nail to hang a picture of jesus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmppj8/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
Just a week after joining the Bloods, a rival gang member tied me to his bumper and dragged me around town.

It was a Crip-pulling experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmpnx0/just_a_week_after_joining_the_bloods_a_rival_gang/
%
What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself on Blu Ray?

HDMI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmpnus/what_did_master_yoda_say_when_he_first_saw/
%
Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.
^(i feel bad)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmpn3y/why_do_americans_rarely_tell_jokes_about_mass/
%
Four football hooligans are stranded on a deserted island

After several weeks of surviving on nothing but river water and berries, they decide that one of them must be sacrificed to feed the other three.
“Let’s decide based on the team we support - and *I* support Chelsea” the Chelsea fan proclaims proudly.
The other three look at each other, and decide that the Chelsea fan will be used as food despite his plastic exterior, and kill him abruptly.
They then argue over who gets to eat what body part. After much discussion, they again decide to base it on what team they support.
“Well I support Liverpool. So it’s only fair that I get to eat his liver” claims the Liverpool fan.
“I’m from Manchester. Therefore I’m entitled to his chest and associated organs” says the Manchester United fan.
The last football hooligan pauses, and after a minute of deliberation says, “Well, I’m a huge Arsenal fan. But..... I’m not hungry”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmpir0/four_football_hooligans_are_stranded_on_a/
%
Baby boomers are always talking about the things they miss that millenials are taking away from them.

You know what we'll miss when we're old? Trees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmph0g/baby_boomers_are_always_talking_about_the_things/
%
I take all condiment advice

with a pinch of salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmpgy0/i_take_all_condiment_advice/
%
Some first year uni students come home in the holiday for a surprise maths test of 'What's 2 + 2?'

The engineer says 'well it's 3.75, but given the situation we can round it to 5'
The mathematician goes and works for a while, then comes back saying 'I don't know what the answer is, but I know one exists'
The astrophysicist says 'rounding to the nearest million the answer would be 0'
The psychology student says 'can we talk about why you are asking this question'
The finance student subtly asks 'what do you want the answer to be?'
The sociology student wants to know the implications of this question
The medicine student, who is the last to answer, says 'well that's easy, it's 4. I memorized it.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmp893/some_first_year_uni_students_come_home_in_the/
%
A man goes to his doctor: "Help, doc! I woke up this morning and lost my voice!"

Doctor: "Good morning sir. How may I help you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmp6cr/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor_help_doc_i_woke_up_this/
%
A hamburger walks into a bar

The bartender says "get out,we dont serve food in here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmoxes/a_hamburger_walks_into_a_bar/
%
You know, giraffes can grow up to 18 feet

but most of them only have 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmou5v/you_know_giraffes_can_grow_up_to_18_feet/
%
My American friend told me this

So There was a bank robbery with three hostages. A woman was pregnant  but shot 3 times.  She was rushed to hospital. She was fine same with here children. The doctor said to the proud mother the children will pee out bullets when they are 15. Well they all turned fifteen and were very healthy. The daughter comes up to the mother saying. "mom I peed out a bullet, should I be worried?" The mother explained it Happens to everyone. The next day a son said the same so the mother said the same. The week after the third child a boy named David came to his mother and said "Mum I was masturbating and... Shot The Dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmotsg/my_american_friend_told_me_this/
%
TIL The higher you drop a piano, the higher the note that plays when the piano hits the ground

For example, drop it all the way down a mine shaft and it'll hit A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmortj/til_the_higher_you_drop_a_piano_the_higher_the/
%
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding a half worm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmorcj/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
What did the triangle say to the circle?

"You are pointless!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmops3/what_did_the_triangle_say_to_the_circle/
%
A photon checks in a hotel

Billboy asks "do you have any luggage, sir?"
Photon replies "no, I'm travelling light"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmopb3/a_photon_checks_in_a_hotel/
%
What happened when Dracula uploaded illegal content to YouTube?

A count suspended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmoj6t/what_happened_when_dracula_uploaded_illegal/
%
Whats the worst part about eating ass?

Definitely the corn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmobra/whats_the_worst_part_about_eating_ass/
%
My girlfriend always gets angry...

A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for some whiskey. He drinks it in one gulp, then asks for some more. The bartender pours him another shot, but again, the man drinks it in one gulp. This goes on for 6 more times, and the Bartender finally stops to ask the man what's wrong.
Man: 'My girlfriend always gets angry when I say shit or cunt."
Bartender: 'Just stop saying that then."
Man: "You're right, I should probably learn her kid's names!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmo99v/my_girlfriend_always_gets_angry/
%
I came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition.

Close, but no cigar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmo75z/i_came_second_in_a_winston_churchill_lookalike/
%
Never challange death to a pillow fight

Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmo4fu/never_challange_death_to_a_pillow_fight/
%
Jesus and his disciples walk into a bar

Bartender: so, what to you want?
Peter: just a glass of water please
Bartender: *slides him a glass of water* oh so you’re driving?
Peter: no, but watch this. Jesus!
Jesus: *turns water into wine right in front of Bartenders eyes*
Bartender: you’re the Son of God! No way!
Jesus: YAHWEH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmnz7r/jesus_and_his_disciples_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A Male kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a scotch and starts talking about the good old days when nobody was on their phones, when video games were for the rich, and the ozone layer was whole.

“Ok boomer”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmnytx/a_male_kangaroo_walks_into_a_bar_he_orders_a/
%
There are five things you should know when looking for in a woman:

You want a woman that will cook the best food you've ever had
You want a woman who will surprise you every day
You want a woman who will please you sexually
You want a woman who brings you happiness
And most importantly, make sure these four woman never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmnu5g/there_are_five_things_you_should_know_when/
%
A volcanic rock walks into a bar.

It says: "Porous a drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmnl9t/a_volcanic_rock_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59pm and the clock struck midnight..

I thought “same shit different day”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmnizk/i_was_sitting_on_the_toilet_at_1159pm_and_the/
%
Why did the banana go to the hospital?

He wasn't peeling well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmniik/why_did_the_banana_go_to_the_hospital/
%
Want to hear a constructive joke?

Sorry, still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmniby/want_to_hear_a_constructive_joke/
%
During the war, my Grandad faced pepper spray and mustard gas.

He's a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmng4y/during_the_war_my_grandad_faced_pepper_spray_and/
%
My neighbor got offended that I used the word “puke”

But to me that’s what her cooking tasted like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmnbe4/my_neighbor_got_offended_that_i_used_the_word_puke/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of their boats?

Because if they fell forwards they would still be on the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmn7s6/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_out_of_their/
%
What sound does a frog on r/aww make?

Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmn3i4/what_sound_does_a_frog_on_raww_make/
%
Why do small guys tend to commit crime?

Its their only chance to be at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmn0gc/why_do_small_guys_tend_to_commit_crime/
%
Why musicians start on 1-2-3-4 while dancers start on 5-6-7-8?

Because those twats are always late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmmudp/why_musicians_start_on_1234_while_dancers_start/
%
Dude 1: what mouse walks on two feet?

Dude 2: I d’know
Dude 1: Mickey Mouse
Dude 1: now what duck walks on two feet?
Dude 2: Donald Duck :)
Dude 1: every duck you fuming moron
Don’t know if this is funny I found it so
Also don’t know if it’s been posted my friend told me it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmmoke/dude_1_what_mouse_walks_on_two_feet/
%
Why was the stone golem mad at her husband?

Because he was always taking her for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmmmi1/why_was_the_stone_golem_mad_at_her_husband/
%
A man has been building a submarine for many years

After he is finally finished with it, he shows it to his friends, who start laughing.
"That submarine looks hideous" said the first friend
"Yeah, the interior looks even worse" says the second
The man, still feeling confident in his build, decides that he is going to redecorate the entirety of it, and lighten up the interior
The next day he goes to his friends, who, once again, are unimpressed
"The colors on it make me sick - is that green mixed with red?" The first friend said
"He barely even changed the inside, just look at it" said the said the second friend
Finally, for the last time, the man changed the entirety of the sub, adding all sorts of new things and repainting it to make it look better
He showed to his friends, expecting at the least a neutral stance on how his submarine looked
But once again, his friends started laughing, ridiculing the submarine and it's features
Finally, the man snapped. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY SUBMARINE" he yelled
The first man then said "don't you get it?" All of the new content on this sub is trash"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmmh6k/a_man_has_been_building_a_submarine_for_many_years/
%
I created a better way to defrost chicken

It was well thawed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmmfrp/i_created_a_better_way_to_defrost_chicken/
%
I dont wanna do what I did in Texas.....

Man rides up to a saloon on a beautifullly patterned Palomino stallion, ties the horse to the rail, walks inside, orders lunch and a beer. After his meal is done he gets up, pays the waitress and walks out the doors...to find his horse missing.
He sighs mournfully, removes the safety loops on his guns and walks back inside. The crowd falls silent as he taps his guns meaningfully....
*"Now folks...I like my horse a lot, my late wife gave him to me and he's a prebred. Now, I dunno who took him, but Im gonna sit at this table..and in five minutes, if my horse isnt back where I left him, Im gonna have to do what i did in Texas.."*
His gaze sweeps across them one by one..*."..and I didnt like what I had to do in Texas, no sirree..the town didnt like it much either..so you now have \*consults his fob watch\* four minutes"*
He walks to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey, the entire room silent..and outside is heard the sound of running feet, the clip clop of hooves and the jingle of harness. Satisfied, the gunman walks outside, sees his horse safe and sound, smiles.
*"Folks, thank ye kindly for not making me do what I had to do in Texas. much obliged to y'all"*
Mounting his horse, he rides away, tipping his hat to the ladies as he goes.
Three months later,  Dodge City, Kansas:
The gunman is grooming his horse at the saddlery, when along comes the barman who served him back on that day. He comes in and the gunman recognises him, greets him politely and continues caring for his horse.
The barman clears his throat, a little nervous...and asks what was ion the back of all their minds that day..
*"Sir...you never did tell us...what DID you have to do that day in Texas?"*
The gunfighter shrugs, looks at his feet and says sadly
*"I had to walk home"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmmdfm/i_dont_wanna_do_what_i_did_in_texas/
%
A priest went into a tailor's shop and ordered a new suit.

When he asked how much it cost, the tailor said, "There is no charge. I never charge the clergy." So the next day the priest sent the tailor a beautiful crucifix.
Then a rabbi went into the tailor's shop and ordered a new suit. When he asked how much it cost, the tailor said, "There is no charge. I never charge rabbis." So the next day the rabbi sent the tailor two more rabbis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmmcuk/a_priest_went_into_a_tailors_shop_and_ordered_a/
%
With great reflexes...

...comes great response ability!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmmbba/with_great_reflexes/
%
Why will the Congress never impeach trump?

Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmmarc/why_will_the_congress_never_impeach_trump/
%
Crows are super smart

There was a study conducted on crows using cars to  crack open nuts. They'd place the nut on the road during a red light,  let the cars run over the nuts, and then retrieve them during the next red light.
The study also found a second interesting discovery, there were a large number of crows that accidentally died because they were hit by trucks.
They  found out that the crows would designate one to watch for oncoming  traffic so they know when to fly away. And unfortunately,  the crows could only say: "CAH! CAH!" and not "TRUCK!  TRUCK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmm4ne/crows_are_super_smart/
%
The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmm2mf/the_bartender_says_go_home_we_dont_serve/
%
Exploring Wayne Manor

Robin: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you too, did you?
Batman: Of course not.
Robin:
Batman: OK, yes, there’s the bat-shampoo.
Robin:
Batman: But there’s also conditioner Gordon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmlykq/exploring_wayne_manor/
%
Why is girlfriend one word, but best friend is two words?

Because best friends give you space when you need it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmlwzy/why_is_girlfriend_one_word_but_best_friend_is_two/
%
Little Bobby is angry at his sex-ed teacher, because he didnt pass the last exam

Now he plans his revenge with his friend Sam, who also failed in sex-ed.
Bobby: Listen, you will hide on this side of the door, and when she comes in you throw your jacket over her head, so she cant see us, then i will kick her in the balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmlr5d/little_bobby_is_angry_at_his_sexed_teacher/
%
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines

But Catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmlkpr/dogs_cant_operate_mri_machines/
%
I went to the boomerang store the other day

They have a great return policy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmljmh/i_went_to_the_boomerang_store_the_other_day/
%
A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.
While carefully fingering a chord outside of her house, a Taoist monk passed by. He was filled with such joy that he placed his hand upon her head and blessed her. Suddenly, her hands flew across the strings, gracefully, as if she had been born with the instrument.
In the coming years, Maria held dear the meditative powers passed on to her by the monk, and she eventually became the leader of a magnificent five-piece band.
And that is the story of how Maria Chi came to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmli84/a_little_mexican_girl_dreamed_of_playing_the/
%
Blonde and the insemination man

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a
Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,
the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is
when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a
while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. Amy takes him down
to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the
nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming
he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm
dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be
bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its
stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the
nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cml9e5/blonde_and_the_insemination_man/
%
In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmkz7a/in_light_of_the_multiple_recent_crashes_of_its/
%
What's your superpower

Professor X: Whats your superpower?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that isn't going to help us.
Me: yes, I see that now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmkumb/whats_your_superpower/
%
Do you know the difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser?

Depth perception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmkkge/do_you_know_the_difference_between_a_brown_noser/
%
I got kicked out of a bar last night...

It was a goofy place, they had a “classic music” dance contest. I was the clear winner. They played “The Hustle” so I did The Hustle. They played “The Twist” so I did the twist.
But then they played “Come On Eileen”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmkjyj/i_got_kicked_out_of_a_bar_last_night/
%
Wanna hear a joke about orphans?

Never mind, the punchline wouldn't be apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmkcwd/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_orphans/
%
I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmkbjn/i_had_a_test_covering_several_breeds_of_chinese/
%
Satan is doing his weekly Hell inspection when he finds a man on fire in a sun chair with a piña colada. He asks him “aren’t you hot?”

No, I’m from Phoenix. It’s rather chilly in here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmkb8m/satan_is_doing_his_weekly_hell_inspection_when_he/
%
A lady with no arms and no legs...

...was lying in the sun by the pool.
A man walked into the pool area, and she called out to him: "Hey, come over here - I want you to fuck me."
He walked over, picked her up, threw her out into the pool, and said, "Okay - you're fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmk89g/a_lady_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
I tried to make a joke about the French army.

Well, I gave up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmk29m/i_tried_to_make_a_joke_about_the_french_army/
%
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You don’t know? THAT’S CUZ YOU WEREN’T THERE MAN!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmjzsc/how_many_vietnam_vets_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A child asked his mom what dark humour was. She said “You see that man in the wheelchair? Ask him to do stand-up comedy.”

The child answered “But mom, I’m blind!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmjvyb/a_child_asked_his_mom_what_dark_humour_was_she/
%
Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno s house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says f... you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmjq1k/deaf_italian_bookkeeper/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmjp1o/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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Sharks get hungry. Fish have periods. Sharks smell blood. Fish get eaten.

It's a fish's cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmjl42/sharks_get_hungry_fish_have_periods_sharks_smell/
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My girlfriend accused me of cheating....

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmjkju/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
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Why does the water hate the land?

Because it’s a beach
Tanya

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmjhj5/why_does_the_water_hate_the_land/
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How many dance teachers does it take to change a light bulb?

5678

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmjdqx/how_many_dance_teachers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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An old half deaf husband is watching TV with the wife.They are watching the DYI network on home repair.

Every time the wife gets up he flips it to the porn channel not realizing she can hear and flips it back as she comes back to the room. This goes on for a few cycles till she comes back from the kitchen and yells at him, Oh for gods sake bob just leave it on the porn...you already know how to hang a shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmjck9/an_old_half_deaf_husband_is_watching_tv_with_the/
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I’ve decided to quit smoking cold turkey

I only smoke cigarettes now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmjbhi/ive_decided_to_quit_smoking_cold_turkey/
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What do you call a slutty pirate?

A land hoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmj9tw/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_pirate/
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Why do scuba divers fall backward into the water?

Because if they fell forwards, they’d fall into the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmj5ux/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backward_into_the_water/
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Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey took his Lincoln to the dealership after it couldn’t make left turns?

It could only go all right, all right, all right!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmj48u/did_you_hear_that_matthew_mcconaughey_took_his/
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I was going to pray for a bike

But I know God doesn’t work like that so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmj1zk/i_was_going_to_pray_for_a_bike/
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Amish wagon

A Amish wife was coming home from grocery shopping and a highway patrol noticed the slow moving vehicle sign was danging and about ready to fall off. He pulls her over and explains the situation and notices the reins for the horse are wrapped around the horses balls, he points out she might fix that also. When she gets home she tells her Husband to fix the slow moving vehicle sign and check the emergency brake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmj1e7/amish_wagon/
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Who would DO this??

I swear..only in Waihi!!
I walked into the BP to get some munchies.. As I was going through the forecourt, I noticed these 2 police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her petrol. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy or both, especially with the cop RIGHT there to her left. Anyway, I went inside and got my stuff. As I was paying for it I heard someone screaming. Like I’m talking violent death screams. I looked outside and this woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!! When I got outside, the cops had the woman on the ground. They were putting the fire out!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car. I was thinking, arrested?? She should be in an ambulance, not a cop car! Being the nosey person that I am, I asked what they were arresting her for? The cop looked at me just as serious as he could and said,"
WAVING A FIRE ARM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmiyam/who_would_do_this/
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A man walks into a bar. (long)

Every night on the way home from work, a man visits his favorite bar and orders six shots of whiskey.  He quietly sits at the bar, drinks each shot and heads home,
One night, the guy drinks his six shots and then tells the bartender that he's had the worst week of his life and today was the worst day of his life.  He orders six more shots, drinks them down and staggers out of the bar.
The next night rolls around and the guy walks into the bar.  The bartender starts to pour and the guy says, "Sorry, but I'll have a diet Pepsi."  The bartender doesn't want to lose a steady customer and asks the guy what's wrong. Well, says the guy - "I'll never drink again.  I went home last night and I was rolling around on the floor, blowing chunks - I'll never go through that again."
The bartender tells the guy that he shouldn't stop drinking because a lot of people get sick after they drink too much.
The guy says - "You don't understand..."
"Chunks is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmior9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_long/
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Albert Einstein, Mari Curie, Isaac Newton and Blaise Pascal all decide to play hide and seek in a laboratory.

They all decide that Einstein, Newton and Pascal will hide, while Mari counts.
Einstein hides in a cupboard.
Pascal hides under a desk.
Newton, out of places to hide, grabs a piece of chalk and draws a 1x1 meter square on the floor in front of Mari and stands in it.
When Mari opens her eyes, she see's Newton.
"Newton! I found you. Why didn't you hide?"
Newton looks smug.
"Actually, I'm Newton over a meter squared. You found Pascal"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmimdt/albert_einstein_mari_curie_isaac_newton_and/
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The farmers daughter needs a husband.

Farmer Joe’s daughter Lucy has come of age and is a ravishingly pretty girl. Recognising his daughters raging hormonal moods of late, Farmer Joe puts the word out in town that it’s time to find her a husband.
There is no shortage of guys in town who would love to snap her up and sure enough Farmer Joe gets a knock on the door that same night from a young local interested in Lucy.
Joe examines the young man who seems strong and work fit and tells him he wants to make sure his daughter is happy in all aspects of her life including her love life so he asks the young lad to pass a test.
He says, “I’ve got a cow in the barn out back, she’s in heat atm and won’t shut up with her mooing. If you can shut her up and satisfy her, you should have no problem with my daughter”. The young lad agrees, and starts his test while Joe goes back inside to wait. Sure enough the cow stoops mooing right away.
An hour goes by,...two hours...three hours...four hours. 7 hours later the sun is up and Joe decides to go an check up on the the lad.
He opens the barn door and the lad is still going at it sweating and huffing. Joe says “Jesus boy, that’s enough you can have my daughter”
The young lad responds, “Fuck, your daughter!..How much you want for this cow?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmie7a/the_farmers_daughter_needs_a_husband/
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A Dumb Blonde Goes Ice Fishing

A dumb blonde goes ice fishing.
The dumb blonde finds a good spot on the ice, cuts a whole in it and begins fishing.
Suddenly a loud voice from up above says "There are no fish here!"
The dumb blonde gets startled and decides to move to a new spot on the ice. The dumb blonde cuts a new hole and begins fishing again.
Again a loud voice from up above says "There are no fish here!"
Confused and startled, the dumb blonde decides to find a new spot on the ice as far away as possible from the first 2 holes. The dumb blonde cuts a hole there and begins fishing again.
"THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!" Screams a voice from up above.
"How do you know that?" The dumb blonde asks. "Are you God?"
"No. I'm the hockey rink manager using the intercom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmid7z/a_dumb_blonde_goes_ice_fishing/
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A pirate, two giraffes, a duck and a nun walk into a bar..

The bartender says
"Is this some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmicwx/a_pirate_two_giraffes_a_duck_and_a_nun_walk_into/
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When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo...

... I really had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmi9ip/when_my_wife_told_me_to_stop_pretending_to_be_a/
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My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmi5h4/my_friend_laughed_when_i_told_him_i_could_make_an/
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Russia: Hey Ukraine, wanna hear a joke?

Ukraine: Sure!
Russia: Crimea.
Ukraine: I don't get it.
Russia: You will never get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmi4uv/russia_hey_ukraine_wanna_hear_a_joke/
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The hurricane swept away 1/4 of my roof

oof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmi1bj/the_hurricane_swept_away_14_of_my_roof/
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To the woman who yelled at me for sleeping on the bus: Screw You

Do you realise how exhausting it is driving a bus?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmhwfl/to_the_woman_who_yelled_at_me_for_sleeping_on_the/
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My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmhqc9/my_ex_girlfriend_was_obsessed_with_trying_to/
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What's E.T. short for?

So he can fit in his spaceship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmhpwk/whats_et_short_for/
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Did you know toothpaste was invented in the southern states?

otherwise it’d be called teethpaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmhnp1/did_you_know_toothpaste_was_invented_in_the/
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My step dad doesn’t like it when I call him fake dad

He prefers faux pa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmhnhv/my_step_dad_doesnt_like_it_when_i_call_him_fake/
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10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes.

An American walks into an Irish pub. He asks the patrons, " I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes." People raise their heads but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merry making, except an Irishman who leaves the bar. Some time passes and the Irishman comes back in the pub and approaches the American. "Is yer bet still on the table?" The American replies, "Sure it is! Bartender get this man his drinks." The bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar. The Irishman starts drinking and drinks up all the Guinness in less than 10 minutes. Astonished the American hands over the money and asks, "Well, may I ask where you went earlier?" The Irishman replies with a smirk, "I went to the pub next door to see if I could do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmhmel/10_pints_of_guinness_in_10_minutes/
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I signed up for an ADHD support group...

We meet every Tuesday night from 6:00 to 6:08, 6:12 to 6:22, 6:31 to 6:44, and 6:46 to 7:00.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmhiyi/i_signed_up_for_an_adhd_support_group/
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Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers , is that true?

Me:To he honest I never knew she sold flowers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmhfvn/therapist_your_wife_says_you_never_buy_her/
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you know why i didnt go to the bratwurst festival this year?

it was a sausage fest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmhd96/you_know_why_i_didnt_go_to_the_bratwurst_festival/
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A man is about to have sex for the first time

He goes to the local drugstore to buy condoms, but seeing as he has never bought them before he's a little confused on which size he will need.
Slightly embarrassed he explains his situation to the clerk. The clerk tells him that the situation is fairly common, and walks him to the back of the store.
In the back of the store the clerk shows the man a fence with three holes drilled in it, all of various sizes. He then explains to the man to pick the right size condom, he just needs to put his penis in each hole and he will know which size he needs based on how each hole feels.
Confused, but still very excited to finally "get it on" he nervously puts his penis in the first hole.
The man is blown away! The first hole feels like the worlds best handjob!
Not wanting to ruin his upcoming adventure he pulls out and collects himself, and tries the second hole.
This hole is even better, the man is almost unable to stand! The second hole feels like the worlds best blowjob!
It takes almost all he has, but again, not wanting to ruin his night, he pulls out, collects himself and moves on to the next hole.
Inside the last hole, the man feels an amazing feeling that he's never felt before, and he knows immediately that this is what the worlds best sex would feel like.
Unable to last, he finishes, cleans himself up, and heads back inside.
When he reaches the front of the store, the clerk asks him if he figured out what size condom he will need.
Grinning from ear to ear the man responds "We can forget about that condom, but I'll take ten yards of that fence"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmhazu/a_man_is_about_to_have_sex_for_the_first_time/
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What do you call a fingering genius?

A prod-a-G

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmh5uq/what_do_you_call_a_fingering_genius/
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An angel asked God, “Why did you make sex so good for the humans?”

God said, “‘Cuz I want them to scream my name.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmh5i3/an_angel_asked_god_why_did_you_make_sex_so_good/
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What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Rottweiler in a children's playground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmh0cw/what_has_4_legs_and_1_arm/
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I found out my girlfriend was on her period while I was going down on her

Talk about having egg on my face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmgzr9/i_found_out_my_girlfriend_was_on_her_period_while/
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We should be supporting anti-vaxxers

After all, they’re the best way to get rid of antivaxxers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmgzqx/we_should_be_supporting_antivaxxers/
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Which Harry Potter book is the darkest?

Order of the Phoenix, because that’s when it starts getting Dead Sirius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmgzah/which_harry_potter_book_is_the_darkest/
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Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!
Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."
Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!
Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."
The witch then transformed him into an ant.
Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! "
Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato."
Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until repent and call me pretty!"
He is still adamant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmgv84/adam_meets_a_witch/
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How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna ride bikes!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmgtg2/how_many_adhd_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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How tall is a spider?

Eight feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmgsze/how_tall_is_a_spider/
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How many narcissists does it take to plug-in an LED lightbulb?

None. They prefer gas lighting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmgpae/how_many_narcissists_does_it_take_to_plugin_an/
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How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmgmnn/how_do_mathematicians_scold_their_children/
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What's the difference between and old dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job?

One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmglwx/whats_the_difference_between_and_old_dirty_bus/
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Not everyone makes a great meatloaf...

but generally, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmglmm/not_everyone_makes_a_great_meatloaf/
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A British pilot was shot down behind enemy lines...

A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace and was captured by the Nazis on the ground.
He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my dear London the next time you send a bombing mission?"
The Nazis figured there was no harm in it and the leg was dropped in the next raid.
A week later, his other leg succumbed to his injuries and had to be amputated, and again, he asked his captors to drop in over London on the next raid, and again they obliged.
The next week his left arm succumbed to injuries and it was amputated. Again, he asked the German guards to have it dropped over his hometown on the coming raid. The Germans agreed.
The week after that, the pilot's right arm needed to be amputated. “Well,” begins the Brit, “could you just...”
The German snapped, “Nein!"
The pilot asked, "Why not? You've done it before!"
The German replied, "But now we think you are just trying to escape!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmgc81/a_british_pilot_was_shot_down_behind_enemy_lines/
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Three men.

An Indian tribe captured 3 men and told them all to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they don't they'll kill them. Tom comes back with 10 apples, and the tribe members tell him to put all of them in his ass without making a sound or they'll kill him. After the second apple, he screamed and they killed him. The next man came back with 10 grapes... after inserting 8... 9 grapes he laughed and they killed him.
Up in heaven, the first man asked the second man why he laughed if he almost lived, and the second man replied "I saw the third guy come back with fucking pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmg9q2/three_men/
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If you go into the bathroom as an American and leave as an American, what are you in the bathroom?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmg8l8/if_you_go_into_the_bathroom_as_an_american_and/
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My girlfriend left me because of my OCD.

I told her to close the door seven times on her way out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmg6xi/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_of_my_ocd/
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NSFW: what’s the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple waits until your 14 before it comes on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmg5pf/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a/
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Bob and Harriet, a middle aged couple, were at the fair

When Bob saw a helicopter. He got all giddy and said "Harriet! Let's ride the helicopter!"
Harriet: "Well how much is it?"
Bob: "$50."
Harriet: "Oof that's too expensive. $50 is $50, no matter what. We better not."
So Bob gets disappointed and they leave.
Some years later they see the same helicopter again. Bob tried to convince Harriet to let them go, but she said "$50 is $50."
Bob sulks off again, disappointed.
This cycle goes on for several years, with Bob wanting to ride the helicopter but Harriet saying "$50 is $50."
When they're in their 80's, they see the helicopter at the fair again. Bob really badly wants to go and decides to convince her one last time.
Bob: "Look, we're both old now. We may not live long enough to make it to the next fair. This might be our last chance!"
Harriet shakes her head and says "Honey, $50 is $50. It's too expensive. I'm sorry."
Bob's face falls and he mumbles "okay" as they walk away.
Now the pilot of the helicopter has been watching this same couple come every year for the past couple decades and decides he wants to help them out. So he approaches the couple and offers them a deal: if they can stay quiet the whole time he's flying, he'll let them on for free. Harriet finally agreed and they go on the helicopter ride.
It was awesome! The pilot was doing all kinds of crazy moves: loop-d-loops, twirls, rolls, all kinds of stuff you thought a helicopter couldn't do.
When they finish, the pilot is surprised. The old couple managed to stay quiet!
Pilot: "Wow! I thought for sure you guys would scream, but you didn't! Congratulations, you got it free!"
Bob chuckles and says "Well I almost said something when Harriet fell out the window, but you know: $50 is $50."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmg3p8/bob_and_harriet_a_middle_aged_couple_were_at_the/
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What's the definition of trust?

Two cannibals in a 69

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmg2q5/whats_the_definition_of_trust/
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A chicken and an Egg are laying in bed after just having sex......

The Chicken turns to the Egg and says "Well.... that answered that old question!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmft5q/a_chicken_and_an_egg_are_laying_in_bed_after_just/
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Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i’m married now..

And that’s where I sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmfqrc/tonight_a_friend_asked_if_he_could_crash_on_my/
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What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common?

There use to be two of them but now it is a sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmfhbb/what_do_genders_and_the_twin_towers_have_in_common/
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How does a mathematician poop?

By removing natural logs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmfb9e/how_does_a_mathematician_poop/
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Little Johnny Asks His Mum About Magic.

Little Johnny goes to his mum after watching Penn and Teller and says “mum can you show me some magic?”.
His mum replies “ No Johnny, I’m too busy, go ask your father.”
Johnny runs out to the garage where his dad is working and asks “Daddy, will you show me some magic?”
Dad says “ No son I’m too busy, why not ask old Mr Smith next door.”
Little Johnny goes next door and rings the bell. Old Mr Smith opens his front door.
“Well hello little Johnny, come in! What can I do for you today?”
“Mr Smith, will you show me some magic?”
The old man smiled.
“Sure thing , go and stand in front of the mirror there and pull your trousers and pants down.”
Little Johnny did as he was asked. Mr Smith came up behind him.
“Now can you feel my finger in your bum?” the old man asked.
“Yes!” exclaimed little Johnny.
Mr Smith grinned, “Well look, no hands!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmf724/little_johnny_asks_his_mum_about_magic/
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Little Suzy says to her mum, johnny showed me his willy today and it was just like a peanut:

Mum says, what very small?
Suzy replies, no very salty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmeuxq/little_suzy_says_to_her_mum_johnny_showed_me_his/
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What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmensa/whats_the_difference_between_a_northern_fairytale/
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Two farmers are walking along a field and come across a sheep that has gotten its head stuck in a fence.

"Now let's have some fun!" one of them says as he takes off his pants, and fucks the sheep. "Now it's your turn!" he says to the other farmer. -"Okay" he responds, sticking his head into the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmenoi/two_farmers_are_walking_along_a_field_and_come/
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Yo mama so fat...

Greenpeace tried to roll her back in the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmel93/yo_mama_so_fat/
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Tonto puts his head to the ground....

...and says: "Buffalo come".
Lone Ranger: "How do you Know?"
Tonto: "Face Sticky.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmekwm/tonto_puts_his_head_to_the_ground/
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Friendship is like peeing your pants.

Everyone can see it but only you feel the warmth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmegv9/friendship_is_like_peeing_your_pants/
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Me and my wife were going to get a divorce. It was due to the kids we stayed together...

Neither of us wanted custody of them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmedhq/me_and_my_wife_were_going_to_get_a_divorce_it_was/
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There is only one job where you start out at the top.

Gravedigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cme9rg/there_is_only_one_job_where_you_start_out_at_the/
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What does the NFL have in common with "Brokeback Mountain"?

Cowboys that suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cme9p8/what_does_the_nfl_have_in_common_with_brokeback/
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Boy: What's a palindrome?

Teacher: racecar
{10 years later}
Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome
Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmdzgc/boy_whats_a_palindrome/
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I’ve been in jail for 5 minutes and I’ve already been raped twice.

I hate playing monopoly with my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmdref/ive_been_in_jail_for_5_minutes_and_ive_already/
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What do you call two Midgets having sex?

A Micro transaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmdr3o/what_do_you_call_two_midgets_having_sex/
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Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom.

His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"
His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."
Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmdjko/little_johnny_walks_into_his_dads_bedroom_and/
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmdimt/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
Why do Java developers need glasses?

Because they can't C#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmdi2n/why_do_java_developers_need_glasses/
%
A doctor created an amazing machine that allows a woman that is giving birth to share the pain with the man who made her pregnant.

Doctor: I will  like put it on as soon as the delivery starts.
Woman: okay
(The delivery begins and the doctor switches on the machine)
The woman: okay that helps but could you turn it higher?
Doctor: sure
The woman keeps asking the doctor to turn it up, and she begins to feel less and less pain, yet her husband feels nothing. The doc turns it down to a point where the woman feels no pain at all.
Back home, the mail man was screaming in pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmdamr/a_doctor_created_an_amazing_machine_that_allows_a/
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What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?

Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmd6qi/what_is_large_and_rocky_at_the_bottom_small_and/
%
What do you call someone who only dates broke boys?

Hobosexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmd4od/what_do_you_call_someone_who_only_dates_broke_boys/
%
I was about to stitch up her wound, but she insisted she do it herself.

"Fine," i said. "Suture self."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmd2pb/i_was_about_to_stitch_up_her_wound_but_she/
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I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer

But sadly, nobody will do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmd19o/ive_spent_the_last_four_years_looking_for_my/
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Why does a gay intellectual man prefer not getting mixed with the crowd?

Because he is homogeneous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmczw8/why_does_a_gay_intellectual_man_prefer_not/
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The White Knight and the Black Knight.

Note, this story was from Gigi Proietti, an Italian comedian who's from Rome, and I must say it loses a lot without the Roman accent and slang, but I'll try my best :D
The White Knight and the Black Knight.
So once there was this teacher, really passionate about his job, who always wanted to inspire students to try their best. Having always teached in high level schools, full of wealthy kids from good neighborhoods, that was honestly not hard.
One year, tho, the teacher was sent to a school in a really bad neighborhood in Rome, full of mildly poor kids from not so good families.
So one day the teacher tells the students to find a story as an assignment, which they will have to tell to the class the next day. They can tell whatever story they want, but on one condition: the story must have a moral.
The next day, the first kid to tell his story is a little white boy, with nice hair, all good dressed and very serious. So he starts telling the story of David and Goliath, and when he's finished he says that the moral of his story is that brain always wins over muscles. "Very good" says the teacher, and all the kids go on with telling their stories, everyone bringing good ones, with nice morals.
Then it's the turn of the last kid, with his leather jacket and spiked hair. A kid from a really difficult household, not very good at school.
So he goes in front of the class and starts telling his story.
"So... I wanted to tell the story of the White Knight and the Black Knight. So the White Knight is an honest and good man and a really good knight, who likes to help poor people, and he always wins all the jousts by playing fairly and honestly and never cheating. The Black Knight is a bold young man who doesn't care about justice and always wins his jousts by cheating."
Noticing the actual efforts the kid is putting in the story, the teacher encourages him, thinking he finally understood that school is important and is finally convinced to try his best.
"So one day, the Black Knight is angry at the White Knight because he wins all the jousts and everyone thinks he's the best knight, so he dares him to have a joust with him. So they do and the Black Knight kills the White Knight."
"Oh... I didn't expect that." Says the teacher. "But nevermind, go on with the story."
"So the White Knight had three sons, who all challenge the Black Knight to have jousts with them to avenge their father. The Black Knight accepts, and kills all the three of them."
At this point the teacher is perplexed, but decides to just let the kid go on and see what he has.
"So each of the three sons had three sons, and they all challenge the Black Knight to have jousts with them to avenge their fathers. The Black Knight accepts, and kills all the... nine of them." says the kid, counting on his fingers.
"So each of the nine sons had three sons, and they all challenge the Black Knight to have jousts with them to avenge their fathers. The Black Knight accepts, and kills all the..." He starts counting with his little fingers again, but the teacher stops him.
"Dear God, ok, but what's the moral of the story?"
The kid just looks at him for a couple second, his fingers still up in the motion of counting.
"Well, the moral is just don't fuck with the Black Knight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmcvt1/the_white_knight_and_the_black_knight/
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Why does the ocean roar?

You'd make a lot of noise if you had crabs on your bottom too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmcvjl/why_does_the_ocean_roar/
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A Limerick (OC)

A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmcu3c/a_limerick_oc/
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A priest is working in the confessional booth

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmctf0/a_priest_is_working_in_the_confessional_booth/
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[NSFW] A woman's first time at a sex toy store

Woman: Hello, where are the women's toys?
Cashier: Over on that wall.
W: Ok, can I get the red one?
C: You can't have the fire extinguisher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmcqgh/nsfw_a_womans_first_time_at_a_sex_toy_store/
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Thank God I don’t have to hunt for food...

I don’t even know where tacos live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmco80/thank_god_i_dont_have_to_hunt_for_food/
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How does McDonalds get you addicted?

Mcotine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmclv9/how_does_mcdonalds_get_you_addicted/
%
One time I was in a church and yelled "creeper!!"

Everybody said amen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmcci6/one_time_i_was_in_a_church_and_yelled_creeper/
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A barber in my area got arrested for being a drug dealer.

I’ve been his client for many years and didn’t know he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmcc64/a_barber_in_my_area_got_arrested_for_being_a_drug/
%
Why does Python live on land?

Because it's above C-level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmc6kj/why_does_python_live_on_land/
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Why do cavemen never get angry?

They're no-mads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmc4ni/why_do_cavemen_never_get_angry/
%
My parrot died today.

His last words were: "Oh shit, I think my parrot is about to die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmc1qg/my_parrot_died_today/
%
A man is walking down the street and realizes that a penguin is following him.

He turns right, turns left, crosses a street but the penguin is still following him. Annoyed, he returns home thinking about a way to get rid of the penguin, who probably escaped from the zoo. As he is walking, he sees his neighbor and said: "Look, I will give you 50$ if you go to the zoo with this penguin". His neighbor accepts and leaves with the penguin.
The very next morning the man wakes up, opens the blind and sees that his neighbor is still with the penguin.
"Hey I told you to go to the zoo with him!"
The neighbor answers:
"I know but I still have some money left so this afternoon we're going to see the baseball game!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmbz1g/a_man_is_walking_down_the_street_and_realizes/
%
People are odd.

Except for twins: those are even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmbz0r/people_are_odd/
%
Yeah sex is great and all that...

But chloroform gets expensive after a week or two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmbwzy/yeah_sex_is_great_and_all_that/
%
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

The stables have turned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmbwki/100_years_ago_everyone_owned_a_horse_and_only_the/
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How does NASA organize a party?

They planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmbvgp/how_does_nasa_organize_a_party/
%
A Holocaust surviver eventually dies of old age and goes to heaven

He meets God upon arrival and he tells him a Holocaust joke.
God: That's not funny!
Him: I guess you had to be there.
P.S. Ricky Gervais told this joke in "comedians in cars...", he doesn't remember where he heard it from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmbos8/a_holocaust_surviver_eventually_dies_of_old_age/
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Which has more courage, a rock or a tree?

A rock, because it's boulder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmbok3/which_has_more_courage_a_rock_or_a_tree/
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Dumber and Dumber

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach.  As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.  He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmbl34/dumber_and_dumber/
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Boyfriend moving in...

Him: Can I set up a cloning machine in the basement?
Me: Sure, make yourself at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmbkmg/boyfriend_moving_in/
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A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into  the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The  man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what  was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me." she fumed. The man sympathized  and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult  passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmbkkv/a_woman_got_on_a_bus_holding_a_baby/
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Why you're late?

My teacher asked me why I'm late then I answered "there was a man who lost his 100$" then she asked " Did you help him find his money?" I answered " No ma'am, I stepped on the 100$ until he's gone".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmbjnq/why_youre_late/
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Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmbb9q/mass_shooting_in_soviet_union_government_blamed/
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A man walks into a bar...

Upon entering, he notices a massive slab of meat hanging from the ceiling. He walks up to the bartender and asks, " Hey, what's up with the big chunk of meat up there?"
The bartender replies, "Its a wager. If you can jump up and hit the meat, you get an hour of free drinks, but if you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for an hour. You wanna go?"
"No," replies the man. "The steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmb908/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I recently went on one of those once in a lifetime trips.

I'll tell you what, never again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmb5b8/i_recently_went_on_one_of_those_once_in_a/
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A man goes in to hospital for an operation but after a mix up ends up with a circumsition...

He recieved $20,000 compensation but left a tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmb343/a_man_goes_in_to_hospital_for_an_operation_but/
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All languages travel at the speed of sound, sign language travels at the speed of light

And Braille depends on how hard you throw the book

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmb2o8/all_languages_travel_at_the_speed_of_sound_sign/
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I Ran Over Ten Miles Today.

Looking back now, Ten Miles was a pretty stupid name for a dog anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmb0c3/i_ran_over_ten_miles_today/
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Why my driving instructor hated me:

Instructor: First, depress the brake pedal.
Me: (pointing at brake) You’ll never go anywhere in life without your brother’s help!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmayfa/why_my_driving_instructor_hated_me/
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What do you call a principal that used to be a prostitute?

The Head Master

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmaxor/what_do_you_call_a_principal_that_used_to_be_a/
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At first, Caesar thought it was a bad idea to masturbate while counting his people.

But before long, he came to his census.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmaxdl/at_first_caesar_thought_it_was_a_bad_idea_to/
%
Why does Dr.Pepper come in a bottle?

His wife died last year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmaw4v/why_does_drpepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
What noise does a 747 make while bouncing?

Boeing Boeing Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmasa9/what_noise_does_a_747_make_while_bouncing/
%
Throwing acid is wrong...

in some people’s eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmar4o/throwing_acid_is_wrong/
%
Being gay before the invention of lube...

...must have been a real pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmaquk/being_gay_before_the_invention_of_lube/
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Didn't see that coming.........

A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant, "Are you single?"
Happily I replied, "Yes....."
She took away the extra chair in front of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cman7e/didnt_see_that_coming/
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I've recently developed a paranoia for German sausages.

I feel the wurst is yet to come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmaleb/ive_recently_developed_a_paranoia_for_german/
%
President Trump is walking out of the white house heading towards his limo

when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts 'Mickey Mouse!'
This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, 'What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?'
Blushing, the agent replies, 'I got nervous. I meant to shout 'Donald, duck!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmal1u/president_trump_is_walking_out_of_the_white_house/
%
Why did the cartographer get fired?

He had a bad latitude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmah18/why_did_the_cartographer_get_fired/
%
Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmafvm/did_you_hear_about_the_two_gay_irishmen/
%
How much of Reddit content is made up of recurring themes?

69%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmad8a/how_much_of_reddit_content_is_made_up_of/
%
If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will..

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cmab85/if_a_girl_says_she_will_be_ready_in_5_minutes_she/
%
I was watching this topless female ventriloquist

She was brilliant, I never saw her lips move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cma8rm/i_was_watching_this_topless_female_ventriloquist/
%
What did Big Ben say to the leaning tower of Pisa?

I’ve got the time if you’ve got the inclination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cma6ox/what_did_big_ben_say_to_the_leaning_tower_of_pisa/
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What do you get when you drop a piano into an coal mine?

A Flat Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm9yux/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_into_an/
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One night, a burglar breaks into the home of a devoted Christian family.

He is merrily rummaging around, looking for stuff to steal, when out of nowhere, he hears a voice:
"Jesus is watching you."
He is startled for a moment but eventually shrugs it off. Just as he is about to put a golden necklace in his backpack, he hears the voice again:
"Jesus is watching you."
He almost freaks out this time, but just when he's about to put the necklace back, he spots a parrot on the kitchen table.
"Oh, so *you* are the one scaring me, huh?", he says. "What's your name? Polly? Buddy?"
"I'm Moses", the bird replies.
The burglar bursts out laughing, and the parrot looks slightly offended.
"You find *that* funny? These folks call the rottweiler Jesus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm9wi8/one_night_a_burglar_breaks_into_the_home_of_a/
%
Facebook now hiring

No need to apply, they already have all your details

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm9pu6/facebook_now_hiring/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican fireman who had twins?

He named them Josè and hose b

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm9gv3/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_fireman_who_had/
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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom...

"You know what" says the 7 year old
" I think its time we start swearing. When we go down for breakfast i will swear first then you".
"Ok" Replies the 4 year old.
Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
" I will have Coco pops,bitch"
WHACK, he flew out of the chairs and starts crying.
Mum looks at the 4 year old and says " what do you want for breakfast".
4 year old replies with " Dunno but it wont be fucking Coco pops".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm9f0p/a_7_year_old_and_a_4_year_old_are_in_their_bedroom/
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Oedipus at social engagements:

Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Oedipus, this is my significant mother...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8zvz/oedipus_at_social_engagements/
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The twin twist

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8z8l/the_twin_twist/
%
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8ysb/a_kung_fu_student_asks_his_teacher_master_why/
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What's the most sportiest number?

Ten is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8vov/whats_the_most_sportiest_number/
%
I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be King."

She replied: " Two inches less and you'd be a queen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8tkt/i_said_to_her_two_more_inches_and_id_be_king/
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
I don’t care if people take offence to this.
(Edited so I don’t sound Canadian)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8rfr/an_old_blind_cowboy_wanders_into_an_allgirl_biker/
%
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.

"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8qz6/there_are_some_things_that_you_just_cannot_say/
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I was frozen to absolute zero once

Amazingly, it was 0K!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8qdp/i_was_frozen_to_absolute_zero_once/
%
Why did EA cross the road

Pay 50$ to find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8q5h/why_did_ea_cross_the_road/
%
The Earth used to be flat...

...until they buried yo momma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8pqr/the_earth_used_to_be_flat/
%
My son refused to join the family DJ business. But then returned 6 months later, begging for a job.

Oh, how the turntables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8kn2/my_son_refused_to_join_the_family_dj_business_but/
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I've named my penis 'Ryan', to feel more heroic

Now, whenever I'm manscaping, I can proudly say that I'm shaving private Ryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8jfi/ive_named_my_penis_ryan_to_feel_more_heroic/
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What’s the difference between a piano, a can of tuna, and glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8i8r/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_a_can_of/
%
I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop

But I turned it down.
I don't like working on sundaes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8g7e/i_was_offered_a_job_at_the_local_ice_cream_shop/
%
Local News: a feline got electroplated by accident

Shouldn't have touched the cathode
I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8fid/local_news_a_feline_got_electroplated_by_accident/
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How do you make more friends?

Tell a girl you love her and she'll tell you how she wants to be friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm8b0a/how_do_you_make_more_friends/
%
Let’s have a who’s better in bed contest.

I’m hoping to be a sore loser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm87hp/lets_have_a_whos_better_in_bed_contest/
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What do you call the part of the city where unsuccessful writers live?

The writers' block.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm839g/what_do_you_call_the_part_of_the_city_where/
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Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old these bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm7wit/some_tourists_in_the_museum_of_natural_history/
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In Avicii's song 'The Days', he sings: "We made a promise to never get old"

At least he was a man of his word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm7v5l/in_aviciis_song_the_days_he_sings_we_made_a/
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What do you call a plane that can bounce?

A boeing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm7s9u/what_do_you_call_a_plane_that_can_bounce/
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A woman got on a bus holding a baby

The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm7jtp/a_woman_got_on_a_bus_holding_a_baby/
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How can 71 people ride a car?

2 on the front and 69 on the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm7dnp/how_can_71_people_ride_a_car/
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A Pair of Rabbits

A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institute of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab.
One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He invited the lab rabbit to join him. The lab rabbit was unsure, as he had never been outside the lab, but the wild rabbit finally convinced him to give it a try.
Once they were free, the wild rabbit said, "I'll show you the number-three best field," and took the lab rabbit to a field full of lettuce.
After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show you the number-two best field," and took the lab rabbit to a field full of carrots.
After they had their fill of carrots, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show you the number-one best field," and took the lab rabbit to a warren full of female bunnies. It was Heaven—nonstop lovemaking all night long.
As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit announced that he would have to be getting back to the lab.
"Why?" said the wild rabbit. "I've shown you the number-three best field with the lettuce, the number-two best field with the carrots, and the number-one best field with the ladies. Why do you want to go back to the lab?"
The rabbit replied, "I can't help it. I'm dying for a cigarette!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm7bv4/a_pair_of_rabbits/
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My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm766r/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_and_ive_been/
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Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.

Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm6r4t/albert_einstein_blaise_pascal_and_isaac_newton/
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If Osama Bin Laden was a DJ

His name would be  DJ Osama Spin Laden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm6nee/if_osama_bin_laden_was_a_dj/
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I started reading a book in braille

something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm6llp/i_started_reading_a_book_in_braille/
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I told my therapist I was suicidal.

She told me to stop by the receptionist's desk immediately after my appointment to make sure my bill was completely paid off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm6jly/i_told_my_therapist_i_was_suicidal/
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Why Do Sharks Scare People Before Eating Them?

They taste better when you scare the shit out of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm6blt/why_do_sharks_scare_people_before_eating_them/
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What's the toughest part of being vague?

I mean, like... well, you know, right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm6bks/whats_the_toughest_part_of_being_vague/
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What do bees dress up as for Halloween?

Boo-bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm6b5r/what_do_bees_dress_up_as_for_halloween/
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How did the vacuum cleaner die?

It bit the dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm65t1/how_did_the_vacuum_cleaner_die/
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What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm63cm/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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My 10 year high school reunion was this weekend...

I ran into these twin brothers I hadn’t seen since graduation, and I thought to myself..
“Well, you two still look the same.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm637j/my_10_year_high_school_reunion_was_this_weekend/
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If my girlfriend has to be communist

then Soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm5ypj/if_my_girlfriend_has_to_be_communist/
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I lost the 2 middle keys in my keyboard

jk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm5u6u/i_lost_the_2_middle_keys_in_my_keyboard/
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What is the difference between a dad joke, a sad joke, and a bad joke?

Consonants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm5t8z/what_is_the_difference_between_a_dad_joke_a_sad/
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What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm5pq6/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_centipede_with_a/
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Two people prepare to have sex for the first time, but one of them hesitates

"Wait a minute, isn't this a little rash?"
"No, it's gonorrhea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm5mbg/two_people_prepare_to_have_sex_for_the_first_time/
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Why did the calculus teacher lose his license.

Drinking and deriving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm5lbq/why_did_the_calculus_teacher_lose_his_license/
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Interviewer: Do you travel to Louisiana often?

Me: Only on a Cajun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm5i6i/interviewer_do_you_travel_to_louisiana_often/
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Yo mama so fat ...

The sorting hat put her in waffle house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm5hdz/yo_mama_so_fat/
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My penis was in Guinness book of World records

Then the librarian told me that i had to take it out before she called security!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm5g8g/my_penis_was_in_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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My husband noticed my unusual behavior lately and finally asked if I'm secretly a pole dancer. A pole dancer!?

Ive never even been to Poland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm5dz6/my_husband_noticed_my_unusual_behavior_lately_and/
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My friend is making easy money by selling photos of salmon dressed in suits.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm5bgp/my_friend_is_making_easy_money_by_selling_photos/
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My wife said I don’t pay enough attention to her.

At least, I think that’s what she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm5b3w/my_wife_said_i_dont_pay_enough_attention_to_her/
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What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo?

Reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm5ajz/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_crocodiles_start/
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I was having trouble getting the seat belt to work.

Then it clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm54cj/i_was_having_trouble_getting_the_seat_belt_to_work/
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Never let anyone tell you what you can or can't do.

Take Beethoven, for example.
They all told him that he could not be a musician, because he was deaf....  But he didn't listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm541t/never_let_anyone_tell_you_what_you_can_or_cant_do/
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Why was the pig forced to sleep on the floor?

He was hogging the bed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm51gi/why_was_the_pig_forced_to_sleep_on_the_floor/
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Changing diapers is the hardest part about having kids

You can't half ass it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm511d/changing_diapers_is_the_hardest_part_about_having/
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Rick Astley: What do you want for your birthday? ...

Wife: Pixar's “Up” on DVD.
Rick Astley: No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm4zdy/rick_astley_what_do_you_want_for_your_birthday/
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I’m going on a hike and picking music. I have songs from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm4yyk/im_going_on_a_hike_and_picking_music_i_have_songs/
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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight, unless...

you’re prepared to face the reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm4ye0/never_challenge_death_to_a_pillow_fight_unless/
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What do you call a diabetic man's cum?

High fructose porn syrup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm4xcb/what_do_you_call_a_diabetic_mans_cum/
%
When you’re at the playground, you can always tell which child plays the trombone.

It’s the one that can’t swing and doesn’t know how to use the slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm4u88/when_youre_at_the_playground_you_can_always_tell/
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A lawer, a surgeon, and a janitor are going on a camping trip...

when they discover a magical wizard. He says, "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The lawyer says, "Easy! I'll be a kindergarten teacher! How hard can it be to read to a bunch of little kids?" He gets transported into a classroom. He starts off strong, but after two hours, the kids' screams get to him and he gives up in frustration.
Next, the surgeon says, "I've got this! I'll just be a waiter, all they do is walk around with trays of food all day." He is transported into a restaurant. After three hours, the annoying customers drive him insane and he quits out of rage.
Finally, it's the janitor's turn. He says, "I'll be an artist for a day." So he is teleported into an art studio. He takes a bunch of random paint and junk from around the studio and makes an abstract painting which he sells for 100 million dollars.
In awe, the genie asks, "Wow, that was amazing! How did you do it?"
The janitor replies, "I have a masters degree in art."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm4tzd/a_lawer_a_surgeon_and_a_janitor_are_going_on_a/
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A man and his wife are grocery shopping.

The man sees a case of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the cart.
“What are you doing?” asks his wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.” he responds.
“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”
Without another word, the man obeys his wife and puts the case back on the shelf. In the next aisle over, the wife sees a bottle of facial cream and puts it in the cart.
“What are you doing?” the man asks.
“It’s my face cream and it’s on sale for $20. It makes me look beautiful.” she replies.
“So does a 24 pack of beer, and it’s half the price!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm4pbg/a_man_and_his_wife_are_grocery_shopping/
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Ugly baby

A woman gets on a train with her baby.  After the train leaves the station a drunk comes staggering down the aisle, takes one look at the baby and stops dead n his tracks,   “Lady,”he says “that has got to be the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen in my life.  I mean, that is one UGLY baby” and he staggers the rest of the way out of the railroad car.  About that time, the conductor comes through the car and the woman complains to him about the incident with the drunk.  Desiring to keep his passengers happy he says, “Ma’am on behalf of the railroad company please allow me to apologize for the vulgar behavior of that gentleman.  I would ask that you accompany me to the dining car and enjoy a complimentary dinner and perhaps we could even find a banana for your monkey.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm4kul/ugly_baby/
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What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm4kbc/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_got_stepped_on/
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A deaf couple gets married

On the night of the honeymoon the wife signs "since we can't see what the other is signing after the lights go out, if you'd like to make love any night grab my right breast. If not, grab my left." The husband signs back "Great idea. If *you'd* like to make love any night just tug on my penis. If not, tug it 300 times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm4j9v/a_deaf_couple_gets_married/
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What does a Canadian Eskimo say when he’s fed up?

“I’ll have Nunavut!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm4ap5/what_does_a_canadian_eskimo_say_when_hes_fed_up/
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The Dive-Bar Dare

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm4ame/the_divebar_dare/
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i got fired from the keyboard factory today.

apparently i wasn't putting in enough shifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm49m1/i_got_fired_from_the_keyboard_factory_today/
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My boyfriend is a huge fan of Harry Potter

He always wears an invisibility cloak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm4631/my_boyfriend_is_a_huge_fan_of_harry_potter/
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I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible...

She must have given me a cold or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm3z18/i_slept_with_my_best_friends_wife_last_night_and/
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Yo mama is so fat, her alphabet starts with O

OBCD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm3xl2/yo_mama_is_so_fat_her_alphabet_starts_with_o/
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A clockwork toy walks into a bar...

He has a few drinks, breaks down in sobs and says "How did I wind up here?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm3pey/a_clockwork_toy_walks_into_a_bar/
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I called 1-900-BONDAGE

Got a recording that said "All our operators are tied up right now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm3ilg/i_called_1900bondage/
%
When Andrew Waugh was surveying Mt Everest in 1856 he came up with a height of exactly 29,000 ft. Fearing people would think that was just an imprecise estimation he reported it as 29,002 ft.

Because of this, some say he was the first to place two feet on the summit of Everest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm3fue/when_andrew_waugh_was_surveying_mt_everest_in/
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I may not be 12 inches

But it still smells like a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm3er6/i_may_not_be_12_inches/
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How does an atheist commit suicide?

He puts the pedal to the floor and asks Jesus to take the wheel.
Sorry if this is a repost. I genuinely believed I thought it up all by myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm3ent/how_does_an_atheist_commit_suicide/
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A guy walks Into a bar and says....

And says "Give me a drink, before the trouble starts."
So the bartender gets him a drink.
He drinks it and says "another drink, before the trouble starts."
And so the Guy pounds that and says "one more, before the trouble starts..."
Bartender asks "when's this trouble gonna start?
Guy says "the trouble let starts when you realize that I dont have any money"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm3ccj/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
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A carpenter is at a pretty ghetto strip club

He sees a clearly obese woman dancing on a table, and is amazed. He walk over to her and says "damn those are some really nice legs". "Awe you really think so?" She replied. "Yeah for sure, most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm3bev/a_carpenter_is_at_a_pretty_ghetto_strip_club/
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Sam was at the bar

-Disclaimer - im on mobile, sorry for the formatting.-
As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "screw it I'll just crawl to the door, I'm sure the fresh air will help" so he did that, and once he got to the door he breathed in a lung full of fresh air and tried standing up, just to fall over once again! He kept trying, but everytime yielding the same results. So after a few tries he thought "God damn I'm drunk, I'll just crawl home, thank God I only live 2 houses from the pub" so he crawls to his home and tries to open the door quietly, and pulls himself up and tries walking in...THUD...he falls over again "screw it I'll just pull myself up the stairs and crawl in bed, I'm sure Jen is sleeping, I'll be fine" So after struggling and finally closing the front door, he does just that, pulls himself up the railing of the stairs, crawls to his bedroom, pulls himself into bed and passes out. The next day hes woken by his wife, asking if he enjoyed his night out at the pub. He asked her how she knew? "Well I got a call from Tom, the barkeep, this morning. He told me you left your wheelchair at the pub again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm3adr/sam_was_at_the_bar/
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Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm3a8h/why_did_the_hipster_drown/
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Don’t touch my theremin.

But you can play it anytime you want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm340m/dont_touch_my_theremin/
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Billy Bob goes to Malibu [NSFW]

Billy Bob finally saved up enough money to go to visit his cousin Dave in Malibu. His first plan was to try to pick up some Bay Watch babes at the beach.
As Dave was leaving for work he said to Billy Bob: "Two points - wear tight Speedos, and make sure you impress the girls with what you've got. Get yourself a sausage shaped potato and stick it in your Speedo."
That evening Dave came home to a despondent Billy Bob. The girls were just frightened away by the size of his sausage.
"I don't get it. The bigger the better." said Dave. "It's always worked for me. I'll go with you tomorrow and see if we have better luck."
Next morning, as they are starting out. Dave looks at his cousin and sighs "Ah Billy Bob, the potato goes in the front."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm3385/billy_bob_goes_to_malibu_nsfw/
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A schizophrenic goes to see his psychologist.

The man say’s “look doc you have to help me I think I’m a dog”
The doc says “ok lay down on the couch and tell me all about it”.
The man says “I’m not allowed on the couch”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm2zxy/a_schizophrenic_goes_to_see_his_psychologist/
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Three wizards decide to play with spells....

They conjure up a slide that leads into a pool and put a spell on it so that whatever you say as you come down the slide will appear in the pool.
The first wizard shouts "BEEEEEERRRR" whilst on the slide and lands in a pool of the best beer ever to be tasted.
The second wizard cries "WIIIINNNEEE" whilst coming down the slide. He lands in a pool of the most expensive wine ever to be made.
Finally the third wizard excitedly climbs up to the top of the slide and forgetting the spell, screams "WWWHEEEEEEEEE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm2x03/three_wizards_decide_to_play_with_spells/
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want to hear a pee joke?

Urine for a treat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm2u63/want_to_hear_a_pee_joke/
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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm2skt/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
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My drug test came back negative!

My dealer has some explaining to do...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm2sd8/my_drug_test_came_back_negative/
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Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries?

It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm2p2a/why_do_crabs_with_ibs_nest_under_bakeries/
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Two cowboys

were wandering the desert, lost and starving. Finally in the distance they see a tree draped in bacon.
"Look!", says one cowboy. "It's a bacon tree, we're saved!"
He runs to the tree but is suddenly shot down in a hail of bullets.
With his dying breath he says, "It's not a bacon tree, it's a ham bush."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm2o4k/two_cowboys/
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Zip line....

My grandfather was getting measured for a hand made suit at a very upscale tailor. The tailor asked him if he would prefer a zipper or buttons for the fly. Grandad thought about it and said, "Let's go with the buttons they're quieter in the movies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm2fqq/zip_line/
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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media

But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm2eil/north_koreans_believe_they_live_in_the_best/
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First Woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem"
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us
"I'm fine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm2av6/first_woman_on_the_moon/
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I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better

But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm28hi/i_bought_this_white_noise_generator_to_help_me/
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I met a baby frog with a great grandfather that cam from Warsaw

He said that made him a tad Pole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm280h/i_met_a_baby_frog_with_a_great_grandfather_that/
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My favourite icecream place can't afford the electricity bill.

I hear they're having a liquidation sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm27r6/my_favourite_icecream_place_cant_afford_the/
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Somebody has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm276p/somebody_has_been_adding_soil_to_my_garden/
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How did Joan lose 240 pounds?

She got a divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm21dj/how_did_joan_lose_240_pounds/
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All these people posting about invading Area 51..

All they need to do is change the “restricted area” signs to “now hiring” and “now recruiting” and it’ll lower the numbers by at least half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm1xsu/all_these_people_posting_about_invading_area_51/
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I recently joined a support group for premature ejaculators

I didnt know what to wear so I came in my pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm1wx2/i_recently_joined_a_support_group_for_premature/
%
John's answering machine

"Hi. You've reached John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, *please* send money. If you are my financial aid institution you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money! If you are female, don't worry, I have plenty of money"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm1tkf/johns_answering_machine/
%
A guy wants to take his girl to Prom

So he asks her, and she says yes. He’s overjoyed , and he goes to buy the tickets. The line is long and he waits for over an hour for them, despite the line he waits patiently. A few weeks go by and Prom night is finally here. He goes to a flower shop to buy her a bouquet. The line is long yet again, and still he waits.
He makes it to the prom and he dances with his girlfriend. After a while, she asks him to get her some punch. He agrees and walks off to find the punch bowl. When he gets there, there is no punch line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm1q6z/a_guy_wants_to_take_his_girl_to_prom/
%
Free broken puppet! No hidden fees, free shipping, free returns. There's...

no strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm1pck/free_broken_puppet_no_hidden_fees_free_shipping/
%
“Mickey Mouse, it says you want to divorce Minnie because she was extremely silly?”

“No, she was fucking Goofy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm1osa/mickey_mouse_it_says_you_want_to_divorce_minnie/
%
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles

My next trip to the toilet could spell disaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm1kun/i_accidentally_swallowed_a_bunch_of_scrabble_tiles/
%
Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.
Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm1hvh/little_johnny_asks_his_father_for_a_200_bicycle/
%
Aliens!!

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The young alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that!
I really think that will make him mad."
"Rubbish" replied the young alien.
He aimed his weapon and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien, off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed.
When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me!
How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and stick it in his ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm1hsa/aliens/
%
In America dogs are K9.

In China dogs are E10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm1fwn/in_america_dogs_are_k9/
%
September 15th is national camouflage day.

I hope I don't see anyone celebrating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm1ev6/september_15th_is_national_camouflage_day/
%
I started a support group for people who can't ejaculate

But no one came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm19lm/i_started_a_support_group_for_people_who_cant/
%
I betrayed my blind friend the other day

He didnt see it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm186d/i_betrayed_my_blind_friend_the_other_day/
%
I forgot to tell my wife I replaced our bed with a trampoline

She went through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm17gk/i_forgot_to_tell_my_wife_i_replaced_our_bed_with/
%
Someone told me I'm super vague

Lets just say they wont be saying that anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm16sv/someone_told_me_im_super_vague/
%
I just tried out a more durable type of paper.

It wasn't tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm120t/i_just_tried_out_a_more_durable_type_of_paper/
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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm116o/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/
%
Why there are no cats on Mars?

Because Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm0opv/why_there_are_no_cats_on_mars/
%
A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.
DOCTOR: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you
WOMAN: Oh no! Not my brother! He's an actual idiot. What did he name the girl?
DOCTOR: Denise
WOMAN: Oh, that's not too bad. What did he name the boy?
DOCTOR: Denephew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm0nqr/a_woman_whos_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a_deep/
%
Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because, Oct 31 = Dec 25.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm0kb4/why_do_engineers_confuse_halloween_and_christmas/
%
There's too much water flowing in from the river...

Dam it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm0iuc/theres_too_much_water_flowing_in_from_the_river/
%
Why is Santa so jolly?

because he knows where all the bad girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm0i4n/why_is_santa_so_jolly/
%
What do you call a gay person in a book?

Homo-textual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm0i41/what_do_you_call_a_gay_person_in_a_book/
%
I'm completely addicted to buying overpriced masturbation toys on eBay.

I feel like I'm rubbing Peter to PayPal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm0hef/im_completely_addicted_to_buying_overpriced/
%
my step-sister walked in on me while I was masturbating.

my step-sister walked in  on me while I was masturbating and incredulously asked  "Are you seriously masturbating in here?"
I told her no, it was more like a hobby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm0ewx/my_stepsister_walked_in_on_me_while_i_was/
%
My neighbors complained that my dog was chasing their kid on his bicycle...

But that’s impossible...
...My dog does not even have a bicycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm09bp/my_neighbors_complained_that_my_dog_was_chasing/
%
Why does New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles have lots of lawyers?

Because New York got to pick first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cm03cy/why_does_new_york_have_lots_of_garbage_and_los/
%
Things got pretty psycotic during my divorce. Worked out fairly amicable in the end though and me and my ex decided to share 50/50 custody of the kids..

I got the top halves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clzuh4/things_got_pretty_psycotic_during_my_divorce/
%
Ever have sex while camping ?

It’s fucking intents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clztkl/ever_have_sex_while_camping/
%
Today I signed up for my company's 401K

I'm super nervous though. I've never run that far before in my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clzofj/today_i_signed_up_for_my_companys_401k/
%
What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc?

One was made of wood, the other was Maid of Orleans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clzjp4/whats_the_difference_between_noahs_ark_and_joan/
%
Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have schizophrenia, press whichever button the voice in your head tells you to press.
* If you have paranoia, we already know who you are and why you are calling. Don't hang up. It is too late.
* If you have depression, just hang up now. It wasn't going to help anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clzill/welcome_to_the_mental_health_helpline_please/
%
One day Canada will take over the world

Then you'll all be sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clzifs/one_day_canada_will_take_over_the_world/
%
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clzhos/three_dinosaurs_stumble_across_a_magic_lamp/
%
We went to see a Mexican magician......

He told us that for his final act he would disappear. He lifted up a cloak to his waist. He proclaimed "uno, dos", flung his cloak up and was gone without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clzg18/we_went_to_see_a_mexican_magician/
%
What did the cheapskate say to the pimp?

Penny for you thots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clzdi5/what_did_the_cheapskate_say_to_the_pimp/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

Ones really heavy and the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clzbcb/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
What does a nun do in her free time?

Thats nun of your business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clz1z3/what_does_a_nun_do_in_her_free_time/
%
What happens when you win a lawsuit against Planet Fitness?

Heads explode because you've just won a judgement against the judgement free zone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clyzkd/what_happens_when_you_win_a_lawsuit_against/
%
A man walked into a resort and the first sign he saw said “Lool Area”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.
“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."
The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.
There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.”
Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM.
Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clyybk/a_man_walked_into_a_resort_and_the_first_sign_he/
%
Gave my wife a baby shower and she was mad

Took her awhile to clean the cum out her eyes and hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clyx80/gave_my_wife_a_baby_shower_and_she_was_mad/
%
A kid in high school really likes this girl and finally gets the courage to ask her to prom.

To his surprise and delight, she says yes. He wants to make this night very special so he decides to get a tuxedo, a limo, and really nice flowers. First, he goes to the tux rental store and sees there is a line, but he waits and finally gets the perfect fit. Next he goes to the car rental store and finds another long line. He waits in the limo line for over an hour but manages to get the last one available. Finally, he goes to the florist and is greeted with yet another long line. This kid knows it will be worth it so he waits in the flower line for basically the rest of the afternoon and gets some beautiful flowers. Eventually, the night of the dance comes. He picks up his date wearing his new tuxedo and in his limo. The flowers are perfect and so is she. They dance and dance and are have a great time. At one point she asks him to go get some punch, so he went over to the punch bowl and finds there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clyw8t/a_kid_in_high_school_really_likes_this_girl_and/
%
Rest in peace, dense water vapour.

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clyqfu/rest_in_peace_dense_water_vapour/
%
Let's do a 68.

You suck me off and I owe you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clyprg/lets_do_a_68/
%
I’m thinking about losing my virginity to an autistic person

I want my first time to be special

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clyjla/im_thinking_about_losing_my_virginity_to_an/
%
My friend challenged me to finish his bird drawing. He had already drawn the head, torso and legs.

To be honest, I just winged it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clyjkx/my_friend_challenged_me_to_finish_his_bird/
%
I bought a realistic sex doll

It was so realistic that it just wanted to be friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clyfs8/i_bought_a_realistic_sex_doll/
%
I spilled all my vodka today

It was an Absolut loss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clye78/i_spilled_all_my_vodka_today/
%
Everyday when I come to work....

Everyday when I come to work, I go and find a place to hide.
Good workers are hard to find these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clya6y/everyday_when_i_come_to_work/
%
Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses?

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cly9o8/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
%
What type of underwear do long distance runners wear?

Marathongs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cly8q4/what_type_of_underwear_do_long_distance_runners/
%
This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cly5hy/this_is_actually_a_true_story_when_i_was_17_i_had/
%
A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and two black eyes.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor
“Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When she went to investigate, I saw the ball in the cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.”
“And what mistake was that?” asked the doctor.
“I said hey this looks like yours hun!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cly4mq/a_guy_walks_into_a_doctors_office_with_a_5_iron/
%
Does your dog bite

A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog. One man says to the other, "Does your dog bite", the man replies "No my dog doesn't" The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured man. "Thats not my dog", replied the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clxzec/does_your_dog_bite/
%
what’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.49 and deer nuts are under a buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clxwvr/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
The 10 minutes I spend on my phone before I sleep

Are the best 3 hours of my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clxpc9/the_10_minutes_i_spend_on_my_phone_before_i_sleep/
%
Inspired by a story of my dad and his sister

Two siblings were driving to school when they accidentally hit an old friend.  No one was hurt and there were no damages to the car, and the friend was very nice about it, he just said to the sister, since she was driving, to tell their parents.  The sister had never gotten in trouble before so she was very nervous, but her brother had a plan, so he told her what to say.
When she got home she said “Guess who I ran into on the way to school today”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clxmbj/inspired_by_a_story_of_my_dad_and_his_sister/
%
What do you call water that’s impossible to freeze?

Noticeable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clxlg5/what_do_you_call_water_thats_impossible_to_freeze/
%
Me: "So Doctor, you are saying I can touch myself anytime I want to?"

Doctor: "No, Jeff. I said you could have a stroke at any time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clxkaz/me_so_doctor_you_are_saying_i_can_touch_myself/
%
(Offensive) Women are like parking spots

Normally the best ones are taken so when nobody’s lookn U stick it in the disabled one
Guys don’t downvote cuz it’s offensive. If u thinks it’s a bad joke downvote if not then do nothing and if u think it’s a good joke then upvote. Simple really. I don’t get why people downvote offensive jokes even if they’re funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clxjfl/offensive_women_are_like_parking_spots/
%
What deodorant do miners pick ?

They pick Axe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clxih1/what_deodorant_do_miners_pick/
%
Why did the brake pedal get therapy?

It was tired of being depressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clxfgg/why_did_the_brake_pedal_get_therapy/
%
Old Miss Green

An old lady in our neighborhood had been ill. My wife asked our daughter to go and see how old Miss Green was this morning. Donna returned quickly. “Miss Green said it was none of your business how old she is!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clxf3m/old_miss_green/
%
My local theater was putting on a group of XXX roman plays. I thought it sounded sexy so I decided to go.

It was thirty plays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clxeoq/my_local_theater_was_putting_on_a_group_of_xxx/
%
Is your name Area Fifty-One?

Because I wanna storm your private areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clxaup/is_your_name_area_fiftyone/
%
I was thinking of running a marathon

But I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clx4p1/i_was_thinking_of_running_a_marathon/
%
As children, we were always told not to play the blame game...

But the government still has the audacity to erect signs like: San Andreas Fault

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clwynv/as_children_we_were_always_told_not_to_play_the/
%
My wife said our daughter lost her first tooth.

I said yeah, she won't touch my PlayStation again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clwwam/my_wife_said_our_daughter_lost_her_first_tooth/
%
I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clwt7k/i_joined_a_gym_and_said_to_the_trainer_i_want_to/
%
Everyone wants Spider-Man to be the next Iron Man

But I feel like there will always be a Stark difference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clwpoe/everyone_wants_spiderman_to_be_the_next_iron_man/
%
My sexy Latina neighbor accused me of stealing her underwear and got so angry she hit me with a baseball bat

I was so scared I almost shat in her pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clwmm3/my_sexy_latina_neighbor_accused_me_of_stealing/
%
What does a bisexual person and an ambidextrous baseball player have in common?

They swing both ways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clwmj2/what_does_a_bisexual_person_and_an_ambidextrous/
%
Which is more heavier? 1kg of water or 1kg of Butane?

The water... Cuz butane is lighter fluid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clwdhg/which_is_more_heavier_1kg_of_water_or_1kg_of/
%
Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by putting it in water?

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clwaua/did_you_know_you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by/
%
Quitting ciggaretes is easy

I've done it 6 times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clwajh/quitting_ciggaretes_is_easy/
%
Nothing beats the Swedish summer...

it's simply the best day of the year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clw8fc/nothing_beats_the_swedish_summer/
%
A wife asks her programmer husband "can you go to the store and get a carton of milk. If they have avacados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clw7eq/a_wife_asks_her_programmer_husband_can_you_go_to/
%
I mistook another man for my dad and hugged him

...what a faux pa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clw0g8/i_mistook_another_man_for_my_dad_and_hugged_him/
%
The other day, a bunch of prostitutes played tug of war with some prisoners. Somehow, the prostitutes won.

I guess the pros outweighed the cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clvqec/the_other_day_a_bunch_of_prostitutes_played_tug/
%
How much does the world’s heaviest dumpling weigh?

Wonton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clvmq0/how_much_does_the_worlds_heaviest_dumpling_weigh/
%
What do you call a Black doctor?

A doctor, you fucking racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clvmmx/what_do_you_call_a_black_doctor/
%
Every night, 10 different females touch me in my bed

I hate them mosquitos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clvdc9/every_night_10_different_females_touch_me_in_my/
%
What do Eminem and John Wick have in common?

They all murder people with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clv4aj/what_do_eminem_and_john_wick_have_in_common/
%
A software engineer gets sent to the shops by his wife

She tells him
“Go and get a pint of milk, and if they have eggs get six”
So he disappears and comes back ten minutes later with six pints of milk.
“Why on earth did you get six pints of milk?” His wife asks. He replies
“They had eggs”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clv0tt/a_software_engineer_gets_sent_to_the_shops_by_his/
%
Say what you want about AC/DC...

But in my mind they will always be current

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clv0c1/say_what_you_want_about_acdc/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clufww/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
What do you call a dead pelican?

A pelican’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cludzq/what_do_you_call_a_dead_pelican/
%
My penis is just like Windows

microsoft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cluc1w/my_penis_is_just_like_windows/
%
To my wife and my children...

To my wife Margaret,
and my children Ella Rose and Daniel Adam
without whom this book would have
been completed 2 years earlier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clu7wm/to_my_wife_and_my_children/
%
Accidentally overdosed on Viagra last night...

...It's gonna be a hard day today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cltx91/accidentally_overdosed_on_viagra_last_night/
%
What’s the difference between me and eggs

<_<
>_>
They get laid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cltvnq/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_eggs/
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The ultimate gift

Three sons left home and everyone went their own way ...
When they returned home together, they boasted about the gifts they gave to their aging mother.
The first said: "I built a big luxury house for my mother."
The second said: "I sent my mom the latest Mercedes with the driver."
The third smiled: "I hit you, lads. You remember how Mom liked to read the Bible? And you also know that she doesn't see very well now. I sent her  a remarkable parrot that recites the Old and New Testaments in Bible. It took 12 years for monks in Tibet until they taught him. It's one of a kind. Just tell him number of
chapter and verses and the parrot recites it."
Soon afterwards, mother sent letters of thanks to her sons:
Milton - she wrote to her first son - the house you built is too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
Gerald - she wrote to her other son - I'm too old for travelling. I spend most of my time at home, so I rarely use Mercedes, moreover, the driver is so rude!
Dearest Donald - she wrote to her third son - you know exactly what brings your mother the greatest joy. The chicken was excellent !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cltvd2/the_ultimate_gift/
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I thought a man was taking the wheels off my Honda

Turns out he was doing it on his own accord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cltrsl/i_thought_a_man_was_taking_the_wheels_off_my_honda/
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I hate being Bipolar

It's the best

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cltr0h/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
I’ve finally gone and bought some memory foam inserts for my slippers.

No more forgetting why I walked in to the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cltpem/ive_finally_gone_and_bought_some_memory_foam/
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A 13 year old boy heard some noises and voices coming from his parent's bedroom...

He opened their door and saw his mother wearing a cheer leader's outfit and his father wearing a football helmet and nothing else. They were going after it on the bed.
The boy yelled, "Mom, are you ok - what are you doing?"
His father, holding back a smile said, "Just go back to your bedroom and I'll be there in 20 minutes to explain."
The boy goes back and 20 minutes later, the father heads down the hall and
heard some noises in his son's bedroom.
Opening the door he see his son having sex with his grandmother. The father yelled, "Son, what are you doing?"
The boy replied, "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cltlga/a_13_year_old_boy_heard_some_noises_and_voices/
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A bartender is sitting alone in a newly opened bar when a priest, a paedophile and a molester walk in

And now there are two people in the bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cltjfm/a_bartender_is_sitting_alone_in_a_newly_opened/
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Some Are Sleepy or Grumpy

A recent survey showed that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clterw/some_are_sleepy_or_grumpy/
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What do "thoughts and prayers" and homeopathy have in common?

They don't do shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cltefv/what_do_thoughts_and_prayers_and_homeopathy_have/
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An old soviet joke

Mikhail Gorbachev and his wife were on the train returning to Russia following a state visit to East Germany.
After they'd been travelling a short while, his wife asked him: "Where are we now, Mikhail dear?" He put his hand out of the window and said: "We're still in Germany, dear."
Several hours later, his wife asked him again: "Where are we now?" He put his hand out of the window and replied: "In Poland."
Some time later, his wife asked again: "Where are we now?" Gorbachev put his hand out of the window and said: "We're back in Russia."
His wife was curious; she asked: "How do you know where we are just by putting your hand out of the window?"
He replied: "When I put my hand out in Germany, the people kissed it. When I put my hand out in Poland, they spat on it. And when I put my hand out in Russia, they stole my watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cltebm/an_old_soviet_joke/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number...

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cltc7d/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate,  gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and this continued to happen for several months.
Eventually the exhibit grew less and less popular. The man in the suit had enjoyed all of the attention the park guests gave him so he tried to think of a way to bring back his former popularity. After a few minutes of planning, he started to climb the ropes until he was above the lion’s cage. This of course gathered the attention of the guests.
He started swinging from side to side to show off to the guests when he accidentally fell. After getting up from the fall he is greeted by a lion that appeared very hungry. The man in the suit was then attacked by the lion, to which he started yelling in fear. The lion covered his mouth and whispered, “Shut up or you’ll get us caught!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clt3a6/a_popular_gorilla_exhibit_at_a_local_zoo_had_its/
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How do you piss your wife off when you’re having sex?

Call her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clt2ex/how_do_you_piss_your_wife_off_when_youre_having/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clt2bv/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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I bought fake rocks

Shamrocks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clt1xu/i_bought_fake_rocks/
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I went Chopin

But I forgot my Liszt, so I went Bach home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clt0hu/i_went_chopin/
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Husband Wife and Audi A8

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.
Inspector: What is her Height?
Husband: I never checked
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not Slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Color of her eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector: was she driving?
Husband: Yes
Inspector: Color of the Car?
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharger 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights and has very thin scratch on the front of the door..... and then the husband started crying.
Inspector: Don't worry Sir,  We will find your Car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clszvk/husband_wife_and_audi_a8/
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Boudreaux and Thibodeaux got fired

They go to the unemployment office and Boudreaux goes in first.  The man behind the desk says “Mr. Boudreaux, I’m sorry to hear that you lost your job.  What did you do for a living?”  Boudreaux replies “I’m a diesel fitter.”  The clerk says, “Okay, diesel fitter is skilled labor, so we can give you $800 a week until you find a new job.”
Thibodeaux goes in next and the clerk asks what his job was.  “I’m a panty-waist sewer, I sew de waistbands in dem women’s panties.”  The clerk says “Well, I’m afraid that’s unskilled labor, so we can’t give you but $200 a week.”
As they’re walking home, Thibodeaux says “I got to find a new job quick, me.  I can’t feed all dem kids on $200 a week.”  Boudreaux says, “Baw, I’ll help you out, I’m getting $800 a week, me!”
Thibodeaux runs back to the unemployment office, furious.  “How in da hell you giving Boudreaux $800 a week an’ I ain’t getting but $200?”  The clerk replies, “Well, Mr. Boudreaux is a skilled laborer.  He’s a diesel fitter.”
Thibodeaux says, “That ain’t no skilled labor.  I sew de waistband in dem panties, I hand ‘em to Boudreaux and he pulls ‘em down over his head and says ‘Aw yeah, diesel fitter.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clsosb/boudreaux_and_thibodeaux_got_fired/
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A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street...

...and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?’
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff..."
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt....so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants....so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.’
'And here I am.'
Son of a Gun.   Blonde Men do exist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clso38/a_sheriff_in_a_small_town_in_texas_walks_out_in/
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What is green, and sings

Elvis Parsley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clsmta/what_is_green_and_sings/
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My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, “Make love to me like in the movies.”

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
Now she's not talking to me. I guess we doesn't watch the same movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clsmdo/my_girlfriend_and_i_were_having_sex_the_other_day/
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A transgender goes to dominatrix...

The dominatrix never had a transgender client before, but she was a professional, over 5 years in the field, so she decided to agree to take the job.
On the first day, she asked: "How should I refer to you, what pronoun do you go by?"
Trans person: "Them". And as time goes by they keep talking and getting to know each other, they even tell jokes. After a couple sessions the trans person says "Hey can you tell me that joke you told yesterday again? It was hilarious!", the dom says sure and tells the joke again, but unsure what's funny about hearing the same joke twice. They keep meeting up, having a laugh, all the while engaging in dom sex.
After a few weeks of this, the dominatrix is at a coffee shop with her friend when the trans client shows up and says hi. Her friend, surprised, asks "How do you know him?"
"They're a client" the dom replied, "but they have a weird fetish"
"What is it?" asked the friend, leaning in to hear some gossip
"This sub loves when you tell them the same jokes every day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clsf1j/a_transgender_goes_to_dominatrix/
%
Why was the ghost an alcoholic?

Because he likes boo's!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clsbnv/why_was_the_ghost_an_alcoholic/
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I'm tired of gay men

They're all fucking assholes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cls876/im_tired_of_gay_men/
%
Cops Are Homophobes

So, I shot a guy wearing one of those "Shoot Me If  You're Gay" T-Shirts, and now a bunch of Cops are out to get me. What's wrong with this Society, hating us just because we are a little different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cls51x/cops_are_homophobes/
%
What do clocks do when they're hungry

It go back four seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cls31p/what_do_clocks_do_when_theyre_hungry/
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What’s long and has cum in it

A cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cls2rz/whats_long_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.
"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains are gonna come down hard and they're predictin' a mighty flood. Do you have someone you can go stay with? Do you need a ride?"
The woman calmly looked over to the officer and replied, "Oh, I'm not worried. I place my faith in God, and I know he will deliver me from danger."
The officer shrugged and, considering the rest of the neighborhood he still needed to alert, continued on his way.
Later that evening, the woman watched from her second-story bedroom window as the flood waters rose up over her porch and poured into the first floor of her house. The local fire-rescue team pulled up to her house in a boat and, seeing her in the window, called up to her.
"Ma'am, the river hasn't crested yet, and these waters are gettin' mighty dangerous. You have to come with us now and we'll take you to safety."
Still calm, the woman called back, "I'm not worried. I place my faith in God, and I know he will deliver me from danger."
The rescuers looked at each other and shrugged. The situation was getting too dangerous to waste time arguing, so they continued on their way.
Around midnight, sitting on the roof of her house as the flood waters worked their way ever higher, the woman watched the searchlight of a helicopter dart from roof to roof until it landed on hers. As the helicopter hovered overhead, a rescue swimmer was lowered on a winch and held out a hand to the woman.
"Please, you must come with us. If you stay here you'll surely drown!"
But the woman waved him off. "I'm not worried. I place my faith in God, and I know he will deliver me from danger."
An hour later, the woman drowned.
As her spirit floated up to heaven, God welcomed her and said, "Welcome, my child, and be at peace." But God could tell that something was troubling the woman. "What is it my child? What is troubling you?"
"Well..." the woman began. "My entire life I was very religious. I attended church every Sunday and prayed to you many times each and every day. I placed all my faith in you, even as the flood took my home and all my worldly belongings. Why..." she stammered a bit, "why didn't you deliver me from danger?"
God looked her square in the face. "I sent a police officer, a boat, and a helicopter. What more did you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clryiw/praying_for_salvation/
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What do you call a good photograph of a Koala?

High Koala-ty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clrxhq/what_do_you_call_a_good_photograph_of_a_koala/
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What do you call someone who posts on Vimeo?

A victim of YouTube's broken copyright system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clruig/what_do_you_call_someone_who_posts_on_vimeo/
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What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poor man on a unicycle?

attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clrqzw/whats_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_man_on/
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After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'
Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...' 'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.' 'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .' 'Very well, then.'
The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.' 'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'
'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.' 'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'
'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.' 'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.
The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs. 'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.' 'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. 'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'
Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?' 'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.
Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'
'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.
'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clrksn/after_mrs_jacobs_found_out_her_husband_was/
%
I popped a bike tire

And now I’m on cycledelics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clrk22/i_popped_a_bike_tire/
%
Just been reading a horror novel in braille

Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clrhgg/just_been_reading_a_horror_novel_in_braille/
%
A smart farmer

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”
The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”
Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”
Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?”
Tommy said, “I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clrew5/a_smart_farmer/
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A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers.

Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.
"If you could all please direct your attention to the pool, we shall begin tonight's true entertainment!"
A truck backs into the yard toward the pool and a container opens releasing a large crocodile into it.
Immediately, the swimmers dash out of the pool in terror. Everyone is flabbergasted and shocked by what they're seeing.
"I will give 10 million dollars to whomever jumps in right now to kill that crocodile with their bare hands!"
Before the host even finishes his sentence, someone is already in the pool. People gasp in shock and watch in horror and fascination. There's thrashing and flaying. Water and blood everywhere. It's hard to tell what's going on.
Suddenly, the water's still. Slowly, the man emerges and climbs out the side of the pool. The host runs up to him.
"I never thought anyone would actually do it! But you did! And you won! I am a man of my word! I shall gift you 10 million dollars!"
The man replies: "I don't want your money..."
He turns to the crowd: "I just want to know which one of you fucks pushed me in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clrdn6/a_billionaire_is_throwing_a_lavish_party_for_an/
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What do you call a psychic midget that escapes from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clrdh5/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_that_escapes/
%
Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?
**Awkward silence**
Me: It took him a couple bytes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clrd7d/me_im_so_sorry_my_dog_ate_my_homework/
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A man

Is walking down the street when he is approached by prostitute.
For $200 I’ll perform any act for you, she tells him, provided you can describe the act in three words.
The man thinks about the offer for less then a moment and gives the woman $200.
Ok, tell me what you want me to do, but remember, only in three words, she tells him.
The man who has been quiet throughout the exchange says, paint my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clrd4u/a_man/
%
My physics professor told me I had potential

Then he pushed me off the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clrcws/my_physics_professor_told_me_i_had_potential/
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My wife told me I spend too much time on Reddit.

Wait till she finds out I downvoted her comment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clr8u5/my_wife_told_me_i_spend_too_much_time_on_reddit/
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The endless hole

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.
The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”
The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing.”
So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There’s no noise.
The first guy says, “Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let’s throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”
So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait… Again, nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey, over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it’s gotta make some noise.”
So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen and look at each other in amazement.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, “Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?”
The first guy says, “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!”
“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clr4z4/the_endless_hole/
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I was sexually active at 9.

Now it’s 9:44 and my wrist is killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clr451/i_was_sexually_active_at_9/
%
Why did the British never get into the computer business?

They couldn’t figure out how to make a computer leak oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clqylt/why_did_the_british_never_get_into_the_computer/
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What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?

You can only ride one legally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clqxu4/whats_the_difference_between_a_teacher_and_a_train/
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Why was the dolphin sad?

Because he didn't have a porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clquz6/why_was_the_dolphin_sad/
%
I was so late to the cannibal party,

so they all just gave me the cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clqt7k/i_was_so_late_to_the_cannibal_party/
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What is green and turns red at the push of a button

A frog in a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clqs34/what_is_green_and_turns_red_at_the_push_of_a/
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I told my friend I was going to get a tattoo of all my friends when I turned 18.

He said "You're going to have a very small tattoo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clqrkx/i_told_my_friend_i_was_going_to_get_a_tattoo_of/
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Four friends meet for their morning tee time,

they step onto the first tee box and rip their drives down the middle. As they are walking towards their balls the 1st Golfer says, "You guys don't realize how much this round of golf is costing me! I've had to let my mother-in-law stay over for a month!"
The 2nd Golfer says, "I've had to buy my wife's new car worth $16,000!"
The 3rd Golfer says, "I've had to buy me wife a new kitchen worth $40,000!"
The 4th golfer isn't saying anything so the other 3 turn to him and ask what he had to do to get out golfing. To which he reaponds; "nothing". His 3 friends, dumbfounded, ask him how he managed to pull that off.
So he responds, "My alarm goes off at 5 a.m. and I roll over, jab the wife in the ribs, and say, 'Golf course or intercourse what will it be?' to which she responds; 'Don't forget your umbrella, it might rain.'"
Credit to my 70 year old English neighbour with his endless supply of jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clqlnw/four_friends_meet_for_their_morning_tee_time/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoes. As a mercy, they're given the option to kill themselves rather than be cooked alive and all three agree.
The English man requests a rope, fashions the noose, ties it to a nearby tree and yells "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" and leaps down, snapping his neck.
The Frenchman is up next and he requests a knife. He takes the blade, positions it against his chest and yells "VIVA LA FRANCE!" before fatally plunging it into his heart.
The American is last, and he requests a *fork*.   The tribe is confused but someone fetches a large cooking fork and hands it to him. He holds it in his fist as tight as he can, narrows his eyes and stares at the entire tribe with contempt, and suddenly begins rapidly stabbing himself all over his chest and abdomen with the fork yelling "FUCK YOUR CANOES!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clqkdd/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_an_american_are_in/
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There's only one way the US is going to be able to redeem themselves after this presidency, and that's to outlaw the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

Make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clqge9/theres_only_one_way_the_us_is_going_to_be_able_to/
%
Before surgery, my anaesthetist offered me a couple of different options.

He could either knock me out with gas, or he could do it with a large wooden boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clqbws/before_surgery_my_anaesthetist_offered_me_a/
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There’s nothing worse than a broken window

It’s always a pane to fix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clq98w/theres_nothing_worse_than_a_broken_window/
%
Can you say the word ‘say’ backwards?

Yas, yas I can!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clq71j/can_you_say_the_word_say_backwards/
%
What the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clq6y8/what_the_difference_between_russia_and_reality/
%
My calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clq3pn/my_calculus_professor_was_late_16_minutes_for_his/
%
A rabbi, a bishop and a hot blonde walk into a bar...

The bartender says: "What is this, some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clq1ya/a_rabbi_a_bishop_and_a_hot_blonde_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What shoes does hilliary clinton wear.......

Scandals!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clq0wy/what_shoes_does_hilliary_clinton_wear/
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Trying to please my girl in bed is a lot like trying to post on Reddit without karma

“...you’re doing that too much.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clq0r2/trying_to_please_my_girl_in_bed_is_a_lot_like/
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Two Irishmen have a bright idea

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”
So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.
“Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clpyup/two_irishmen_have_a_bright_idea/
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What’s the difference between me and a calendar?

The calendar actually has dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clpwa2/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_calendar/
%
Why does a duck have feathers?

To cover his butt quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clpshk/why_does_a_duck_have_feathers/
%
I know a secret joke about an escape artist...

Ah darn it, never mind. It’s already gotten out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clppvi/i_know_a_secret_joke_about_an_escape_artist/
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1 = 0

Cos0 = 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clpowz/1_0/
%
If you're having a hard day but you've got some new plants, think about them.

They're rooting for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clpofr/if_youre_having_a_hard_day_but_youve_got_some_new/
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How does a Scottsman find a sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clplzo/how_does_a_scottsman_find_a_sheep_in_tall_grass/
%
The masochist said, "Hit me!"

The sadist relied, "No"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clpkrm/the_masochist_said_hit_me/
%
Two guys walking down the street see a dog licking his balls.

Guy 1 says, "Boy I wish I could do that."
Guy 2 says, "Don't you think you should pet him first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clpib6/two_guys_walking_down_the_street_see_a_dog/
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So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.
After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.
The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Buddy, you were INCREDIBLE! If you come back tomorrow, I'll split the night's till with you!"
"No can do..." says the Memory Card. "I'm limited to one gig!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clpib0/so_a_1024mb_memory_card_walks_into_a_bar/
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You’re one in a million

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clow4a/youre_one_in_a_million/
%
I knew a lady whose idea of community service was giving handjobs to blue collar workers.

She was a jack off all trades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clovqf/i_knew_a_lady_whose_idea_of_community_service_was/
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Snail with an attitude

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clov9n/snail_with_an_attitude/
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What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?

The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clopox/whats_the_difference_between_a_kleptomaniac_and_a/
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A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart, Darling.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.
She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as their unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.
She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized.
In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground.
"What happened?!" she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot with a dart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clopef/a_boy_named_carol_had_a_particularly_rough/
%
"So, have you and your wife had any luck trying to have kids?" my friend asked.

"Well, two weeks ago I was trying to get hard, but I accidentally came on her hip. Then last week, I was jerking it to get ready, but got too excited and jizzed on her stomach. And then a couple days ago, just as I got hard enough, I wound up finishing on her thigh...."
He held up his hand. "Dude, stop beating around the bush."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clomzl/so_have_you_and_your_wife_had_any_luck_trying_to/
%
Who is the patron saint of security cameras?

St Francis of a CCTV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clokyg/who_is_the_patron_saint_of_security_cameras/
%
My friend told me he used to have a good Notorious B.I.G. joke.

I said, "If you can't remember it, no biggie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clokxh/my_friend_told_me_he_used_to_have_a_good/
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Why did the man fall down the well?

Because he couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clokf9/why_did_the_man_fall_down_the_well/
%
Doctor: “I’ve got some good news and some bad news...”

“... but don’t worry, I can give the good news to your widow”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cloix1/doctor_ive_got_some_good_news_and_some_bad_news/
%
I've been telling all my friends about the benefits of eating dried grapes...

It's all about raisin awareness...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clohh9/ive_been_telling_all_my_friends_about_the/
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Two prawns are in the ocean discussing their hatred and fear of sharks

One prawn is called George and the other is called Christian. One day while discussing their fear of sharks, a nearby cod overhears them and swims over to talk to them. The cod promises to grant George one wish. George decides he wants to be a shark, so wishes to become a shark. The cod grants George's wish and he transforms into a shark. Christian, being terrified of sharks, swims away in fear and the cod leaves too, leaving George all alone. A few days after losing Christian, he decides to try to find the cod. Soon, George finds the cod and begs it to return him to his prawn form. The cod grants his wish yet again and George becomes a prawn. After this, George seeks out Christian and tells him he's no longer a shark. Christian is of course wary of George and asks him how he can be sure he's not going to eat him. George then says to him, "It's okay, I found cod, I'm a prawn again Christian"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clofjt/two_prawns_are_in_the_ocean_discussing_their/
%
A circus tamer was trying to arrange a trick where he'd have 50 bears marching in perfect lines, but they always ended up walking in circles, leading him to almost selling his bears...

Turns out he was the problem all along, he just had to get his bear-rings straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cloe0c/a_circus_tamer_was_trying_to_arrange_a_trick/
%
I hope death is a woman.....

That way she will never come for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clodwx/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees.

The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.                                                  “You’ve given me one too many.”                          “That one is a freebie.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clocml/i_went_into_a_pet_shop_and_asked_for_twelve_bees/
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To all the people who don't get jokes about Stormtroopers:

You're missing the point!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cloadj/to_all_the_people_who_dont_get_jokes_about/
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math class

Somewhere in middle east.
Teacher : You have 100 barrels of oil, USA force you to give them 50 barrels, how much barrels do you left?
Student : 0
Teacher : I don't think you know math.
Student : I don't think you know America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clo91l/math_class/
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Pun contest

There once was a man who entered a pun contest, the man decided to write 10 puns to see if one would get to the top. Unfortunately, No pun in ten did :(.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clo8sa/pun_contest/
%
Why is cereal Thanos’s favorite food?

Because it’s part of a balanced breakfast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clo51r/why_is_cereal_thanoss_favorite_food/
%
I will always remember my dad's final words to me:

"Son, throw me that hatchet over there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clo4bv/i_will_always_remember_my_dads_final_words_to_me/
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An Italian, a Jew, and a Polish guy apply to be Police Officers

They all ace the written exam and it's time for the interviews. The Italian has his interview and it goes great, the interviewer says, "Okay, one last question. Who killed Jesus?" The Italian says, "The Jews." Then the Jew has his interview and ends with the same question, "Who killed Jesus?" The Jew responds, "The Romans." Then the Polish guy has his interview and gets the same question, "Who killed Jesus?" The Polish guy asks if he can get back to them on that and goes home. His wife asks, "How did the interview go?" He says, "Great! I already got my first case!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clo2se/an_italian_a_jew_and_a_polish_guy_apply_to_be/
%
A little old woman walked into the bank...

A little old woman walked into the Bank.
She was carrying a large bag full of money. She insisted on speaking with the bank manager to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money.”
After a great deal of negotiating, the bank staff decided to humor her and finally ushered her into the manager’s office. The bank manager asked her how much she would like to deposit.
To his astonishment she replied, “£150,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag on to his desk.
The manager was curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Madam, it is a little unusual for someone to be carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “Gambling.”
The manager then asked, “Gambling? What kind of gambling?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square.”
“Ahem!” coughed the bank manager, “If you don’t mind me saying so, that’s a rather silly bet. You can never win that kind of bet.”
The old lady challenged him, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“If you insist,” said the bank manager. “I’ll be very happy to bet £25,000 that my testicles are not square!”
The little old woman said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. as a witness?”
“Certainly,” replied the bank manager.
That evening after work the bank manager started to have second thoughts about the bet and spent ages in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 a.m., the little old woman appeared with her lawyer at the bank manager’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the head of the bank and repeated the bet: “£25,000 says the bank manager’s balls are square!”
The banker agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, if you must,” said the bank manager, “£25,000 is a lot of money so you are entitled to be absolutely certain.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The bank manager said to the old lady, “What’s wrong with him?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10 a.m. today I would have the Bank manager’s balls in my hand.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clo2qf/a_little_old_woman_walked_into_the_bank/
%
During the final moments, Hitler was having an

Axistential crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clnztg/during_the_final_moments_hitler_was_having_an/
%
Earl was an airplane pilot with many years of experience.

Now Earl always had a dream: to try to do a loop-de-loop with a Boeing 747.
So on his last flight before his retirement, he told the passengers
"Hello, this is your captain Earl speaking. For many years, I wanted to try to do a loop-de-loop with a plane, and today is my last flight before retirement, so I wanted to ask you if I could try it now."
Now many of the passengers knew Earl as a charming and very skilled pilot, so everyone decides to let Earl try his loop-de-loop. "Do a loop Earl! Do a loop Earl!"
And Earl nails a perfect loop-de-loop. Everyone starts clapping and chants. "Bravo Earl! Bravo Earl!"
And as the clapping faded, a voice yelled out from the bathroom. "Fuck you Earl!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clnune/earl_was_an_airplane_pilot_with_many_years_of/
%
An expecting mother comes to the doctor's office and is awaiting her test results.

The doctor walks in and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that whenever you're out with your baby you'll always be able to find parking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clnr70/an_expecting_mother_comes_to_the_doctors_office/
%
Whats another name for a blowup doll.

Plastic bag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clnqyq/whats_another_name_for_a_blowup_doll/
%
My son is having sleep problems.

Just before bedtime I told him about this tiny wicked creature that creeps into children’s bedrooms and collects their bones.
My wife got super mad, it’s like she wanted to tell him about the tooth fairy too or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clnqgs/my_son_is_having_sleep_problems/
%
How do you tell how good a Soviet soldier can shoot?

...his marxmanship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clnpsr/how_do_you_tell_how_good_a_soviet_soldier_can/
%
Where do you bury someone with OCD?

In a symmetry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clnpaa/where_do_you_bury_someone_with_ocd/
%
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are 1.49 and deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clnont/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall

...They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clnde7/fifteen_year_old_amish_boy_and_his_father_were_in/
%
A truck driver carrying 6 penguins got into an accident

A car driver stop by and ask if everybody is alright.
The truck driver says to the car driver if he could help and take the 6 penguins to the Zoo for him, while he fixes his truck. The car driver more than happy to help, takes the 6 penguins and leave.
Few days later, the truck driver sees the car driver still with the 6 penguins in the back of his car. He waves at the car driver asking him to stop:
- "I told you to take them to the zoo!!!"
- "Oh, we already went twice! Tonight we are going to the Cinema!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clnbp4/a_truck_driver_carrying_6_penguins_got_into_an/
%
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon. He limps up to the bar and says to the bartender,

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clmrx2/a_threelegged_dog_walks_into_a_saloon_he_limps_up/
%
I told my friend I was an origami black belt? He laughed..

He wasn't laughing any more when I folded him into a &@#%ing yacht...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clmqsm/i_told_my_friend_i_was_an_origami_black_belt_he/
%
What's R. Kelly's favorite musical scale?

A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clmkv4/whats_r_kellys_favorite_musical_scale/
%
My wife told me I spend too much time on Reddit.

She told me that she’s going to slam my head into the keyboard the next time she catches me on this site.
I told her I’m the King of the Castle. I’m the man. I’m th mdjsinxnsks xnxn an . Kfizkn, xnxk’cj’O&:9m
&:&ndjchsnapn :!.kskn !&/9nmsosk/ raeqbsn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clmhzf/my_wife_told_me_i_spend_too_much_time_on_reddit/
%
I've got the heart of a lion, the muscles of 100 men

and a long prison sentence ahead of me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clmhiv/ive_got_the_heart_of_a_lion_the_muscles_of_100_men/
%
Wife. "We'd have less arguements it you weren't so pedantic."

Me. "You mean fewer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clmdyk/wife_wed_have_less_arguements_it_you_werent_so/
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At the National Art Gallery

in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?
"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.”
“They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clmbr0/at_the_national_art_gallery/
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At dinner a little girl spits out her food ...

Mom says, "Now dear, remember the rule is that if something is already in our mouth, we have to swallow."
Dad says, "Oh, really?"
Mom says, "Shut up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clm9q9/at_dinner_a_little_girl_spits_out_her_food/
%
What do a peeping Tom and Pokemon fanboy have in common?

Both hide in the bushes trying to get a Pikachu!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clm8y9/what_do_a_peeping_tom_and_pokemon_fanboy_have_in/
%
I was once stressed out, and my dad came and sat me down.

He said, "You know, sometimes, you shit and wipe, and find that nothings there. Easy. Sometimes, you shit, wipe, and you're there wiping for minutes upon minutes tryna fix the situation. But you don't give up, cause if you do, well, you know what'll happen." Now that I'm a bit older, it makes sense to me what he meant now. It's still a shit metaphor though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clm6rd/i_was_once_stressed_out_and_my_dad_came_and_sat/
%
My girlfriend just told me that I had to choose between her and my career as a reporter.

Well, I have some breaking news for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clm56c/my_girlfriend_just_told_me_that_i_had_to_choose/
%
My new girlfriend is vegan, so now I'm on a vegan diet too.

I eat a vegan every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clm0w2/my_new_girlfriend_is_vegan_so_now_im_on_a_vegan/
%
A 15 year old amish boy and his father were in the mall...

...They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clm0oc/a_15_year_old_amish_boy_and_his_father_were_in/
%
The wife and I have been arguing about where to go on our holidays..

I want to go to the Bahamas And she wants to come with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cllzc3/the_wife_and_i_have_been_arguing_about_where_to/
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I thought I’d get bored of anti-vaxer jokes

But they never seem to get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cllx9u/i_thought_id_get_bored_of_antivaxer_jokes/
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What did Ice Cube say when his Teletubbies rental expired?

Fuck the Po lease

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cllw0w/what_did_ice_cube_say_when_his_teletubbies_rental/
%
To whoever stole my glasses

I will find you, I have contacts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clluq5/to_whoever_stole_my_glasses/
%
My neighbor got busted for growing weed today

Turns out my property line isn't anywhere near where I thought it was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cllqw5/my_neighbor_got_busted_for_growing_weed_today/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps..

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cllo0b/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
%
What’s the proper thing to say to a necrophiliac at his wife’s funeral?

It must be very hard right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cllgnn/whats_the_proper_thing_to_say_to_a_necrophiliac/
%
Ive been looking for my dad ever since he told us he was going to get a sex change

I still haven't seen him, I guess he's transparent now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cll7j3/ive_been_looking_for_my_dad_ever_since_he_told_us/
%
What are the five worst words in Washington?

The president has nominated you...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cll62z/what_are_the_five_worst_words_in_washington/
%
Women are like hand grenades.

How take away the ring and... BOOM! There goes the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cll4uh/women_are_like_hand_grenades/
%
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cll47z/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_a_wall/
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Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.
He's got a watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clkx3s/mary_had_a_little_watch_she_swallowed_it_one_day/
%
In an insane asylum one night, someone cried "I am John Lennon!"

His caretaker said, "How do you know?" The  patient said, "God told me!" Just then, his roommate shouted,
"I did not!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clkwm0/in_an_insane_asylum_one_night_someone_cried_i_am/
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New woman joins a golf club.

When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong
play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clkuef/new_woman_joins_a_golf_club/
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I met Jesus's personal trainer the other day

He was making a pretty big prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clkroj/i_met_jesuss_personal_trainer_the_other_day/
%
We had a guy going door to door in our neighborhood asking for donations for a new swimming pool

so I gave him a glass of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clkr6q/we_had_a_guy_going_door_to_door_in_our/
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I was telling jokes about trees, but everyone who listens to me

Arbored.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clkmws/i_was_telling_jokes_about_trees_but_everyone_who/
%
I just urinated a permanent marker.

It was a sharp pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clkkjz/i_just_urinated_a_permanent_marker/
%
Some pervert broke into my house today and jerked off on my wall.

It’s ok though. It was a load bearing wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clkjrb/some_pervert_broke_into_my_house_today_and_jerked/
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An elderly British woman was found beaten to death on a bus in Detroit.

Reportedly, her last words were:
"Pardon me, do you know where I can buy some knickers?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clkj4y/an_elderly_british_woman_was_found_beaten_to/
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I'm unemployed; but, if I smoke weed and stay up for 48 hours, does that make me...

**hired?**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clkijn/im_unemployed_but_if_i_smoke_weed_and_stay_up_for/
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Why is it hard for the Amish to travel?

Their transit system is a little buggy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clkiiu/why_is_it_hard_for_the_amish_to_travel/
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What do you call an empty can of Cheez Whiz?

Cheez Was!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clki11/what_do_you_call_an_empty_can_of_cheez_whiz/
%
What do dyslexic zombies eat?

"BRIANS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clkg9s/what_do_dyslexic_zombies_eat/
%
What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clkg62/what_do_you_give_a_sick_bird/
%
There was once a tiny sperm,

pretty tiny as compared to the others he found himself around.
But unlike the others, he did not like to practice. Most of the time, he would  jump around, making fun of others while they were all trying to perfect their swimming.
His comrades tried to advise him to stay focused, but every time someone did, he would wink and say: "When the day of fertilization comes, I will be the one to enter."
Then came the day of ejaculation. Tens of millions of sperms got into the enthusiastic race.
To their surprise, the tiny sperm took the lead. He even managed to increase the pace as everyone was trying to catch up.
But half way up the vas diferens, he stopped all of a sudden. Now all attention was focused on him.
And then he shouted:
"Get back, it's a blow job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clkagl/there_was_once_a_tiny_sperm/
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What's the difference between a giant and a stripper?

Both grind men's bones to make their bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clk9g0/whats_the_difference_between_a_giant_and_a/
%
How do fleas travel from animal to animal?

They itch hike!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clk98z/how_do_fleas_travel_from_animal_to_animal/
%
If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase...

So I could unzip your genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clk0ky/if_i_were_an_enzyme_id_be_dna_helicase/
%
“You’re a funeral director? That must be quite the undertaking.”

Yes I make a killing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cljuf5/youre_a_funeral_director_that_must_be_quite_the/
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Why was the Amish woman kicked out of her colony?

She slept with two Mennonite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cljsr7/why_was_the_amish_woman_kicked_out_of_her_colony/
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A holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven. He meets God and they chat for a while about existence. They get to telling jokes, and the survivor tells God a holocaust joke. At the end of the joke, God looks dismayed and says it's not funny.

The survivor says, "well, I guess you had to be there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cljruj/a_holocaust_survivor_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_he/
%
Failed my biology test today.

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cljprz/failed_my_biology_test_today/
%
What's better than roses on your piano ?

Two lips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cljmwt/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
Which branch of the military is the most American?

The Air Force, because they are US AF.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cljk2i/which_branch_of_the_military_is_the_most_american/
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What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes recieve?

The No Bell Prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cljhb5/what_award_did_the_inventor_of_knock_knock_jokes/
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What do you call a magic owl ?

Hoodini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clj9ul/what_do_you_call_a_magic_owl/
%
A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands.

He begins with a healthy, four-legged frog, and says, “Jump, frog, jump!”
Right on command, the frog jumps.
He then cuts off one of the frog’s legs says “Jump, frog, jump!”, the frog still jumps
The scientist cuts off a second leg and instructs the frog to jump again. The frog still jumps
After the frog loses its third leg and is instructed to hop yet again, it jumps but not as well.
Finally, the scientist cuts off the frog’s final leg. Again, he issues his command: “Jump, frog, jump!”
The frog doesn’t move. The scientist barks his command again: “Jump, frog, jump!” The frog remains motionless.
The scientist finally opens his notebook to record the results of his experiment: “Cut off fourth leg, frog goes deaf.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clj8om/a_scientist_is_conducting_an_experiment_to/
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Sometimes I wish was a lawyer.

Then I wish that I was defending a Penguin.
This way I could one day stand in front of a judge and mutter the words "Clearly, your Honor, my client is not a flight risk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clj7wv/sometimes_i_wish_was_a_lawyer/
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A tourist is eating at a restaurant across the street from a bullfighting ring in Spain.

He sees a plate of food brought to the table next to him. The plate consists of two large pieces of meat, about the size of softballs.
His waiter explains that they are the testicles of the bull that was just killed in the most recent bullfight, and are a very expensive delicacy.
The man decides he must have that dish and orders it.
An hour later, the waiter arrives with his food. It is a plate with two tiny pieces of meat about the size of grapes.
The man is upset and says, "Why are they so small?"
The waiter says, "Señor, sometimes the bull wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cliy3g/a_tourist_is_eating_at_a_restaurant_across_the/
%
Why can't water do math?

its a solven't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clivpw/why_cant_water_do_math/
%
My wife left me because of my love for power tools.

At least my saw reciprocates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cliqrh/my_wife_left_me_because_of_my_love_for_power_tools/
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In a macho world, if a man runs over a woman, whose fault is it?

Obviously, the man's fault!
Why the heck is the man driving in the kitchen!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clip0c/in_a_macho_world_if_a_man_runs_over_a_woman_whose/
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What's another word for a mattress?

A loaf of bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clij4j/whats_another_word_for_a_mattress/
%
I farted in the bus today and four people turned around..

I felt like I was on The Voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cliifb/i_farted_in_the_bus_today_and_four_people_turned/
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What's it called when a two year old antivax kid is crying?

A midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clihwt/whats_it_called_when_a_two_year_old_antivax_kid/
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I read so much about the bad influences of alcohol and sugar, that I've decided...

...to read less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clihte/i_read_so_much_about_the_bad_influences_of/
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Where do the poor meatballs live?

In the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clifu8/where_do_the_poor_meatballs_live/
%
A man and a woman are about to make love (NSFW)

As they both make their way to the bed, the woman asks the man,
"So, what size is your penis?"
The man responds saying,
"Eight inches, that enough to satisfy you?"
The woman giggles and begins to remove her clothes, the man does the same. Shortly after, the woman runs out of the room screaming in terror leaving the man in a state of confusion.
"Oh, she meant the length."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clid4v/a_man_and_a_woman_are_about_to_make_love_nsfw/
%
As the old vegan proverb goes

“You can’t make an omelette”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clib5c/as_the_old_vegan_proverb_goes/
%
The large hadron collider used to be a difficult concept to understand.

Now it's like shooting fission a barrel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clib1g/the_large_hadron_collider_used_to_be_a_difficult/
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How do you get Boris Johnson to change a light bulb?

Tell him Theresa May screwed it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cliahz/how_do_you_get_boris_johnson_to_change_a_light/
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Don’t let anyone insult the quality of your cheese.

You can always make it grate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cli8d1/dont_let_anyone_insult_the_quality_of_your_cheese/
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Dave was a child and he loved tractors.

He had a tractor bed, poster, toys, everything was tractor related.
Then one day he just grew out of tractors and he had to get a whole new room. A few weeks later there was a huge fire next to the farm he lived at, and after the fire he went to investigate.
There was a huge cloud of smoke and the fire chief said “how are we going to get rid of this?” Dave said “leave it to me”
A few minutes later he came back and sucked all of the smoke and soot up. The chief said “wow!, how did you do that?”
Dave said “We’ll, I’m a ex tractor fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cli495/dave_was_a_child_and_he_loved_tractors/
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How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?

It’s always so pumped for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clhu7e/how_do_you_know_your_heart_is_your_biggest_fan/
%
My art teacher says that i am obsessed with The Rolling Stones and told me to stop painting their logo in her class.

So i Paint It Black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clhsem/my_art_teacher_says_that_i_am_obsessed_with_the/
%
What's the British government's favourite tv show?

Deal or no meal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clhs88/whats_the_british_governments_favourite_tv_show/
%
An old lady is turning 100

She is in great health for her age and regularly walks to the market, post office an the bank with no problems. Since she is living in a small town it is a big deal for the town. On her birthday she is visited by the mayor who presents her with a badge honoring her as the oldest person in the town. There is also the local TV station doing a report for the evening news about her. The reporter asks her:
- What is your secret for the long and healthy life?
- It's simple, - she says - never have I in my entire life argued with another person.
- That is impossible! - the reporter says.
- You're right. - says the lady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clhp23/an_old_lady_is_turning_100/
%
How Does a Selfish Person Screw in a Lightbulb?

He sticks in the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clholb/how_does_a_selfish_person_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
I decorated my parking space the other day.

It changed a whole lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clhmsn/i_decorated_my_parking_space_the_other_day/
%
Ancient Jewel

Here's an ancient jewel of a riddle; it's been entertaining people for centuries:
What is greater than God, worse than the devil, and if you eat it, you die?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clhmgj/ancient_jewel/
%
What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch stalk?

A fungi to go out with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clhkbb/what_do_you_call_a_mushroom_with_a_12_inch_stalk/
%
Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.
&nbsp;
Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Minister Granger immediately ordered a search for the most expensive comedian in the land. But alas, the comedian could not even manage a giggle from the High King.
&nbsp;
Garrett, Head of Tourism, brought a team of horses to the castle square, where they jumped over hurdles of fire, balanced on large balls, and performed many other tricks. Yet Eldarion yawned. This was not what he was looking for.
&nbsp;
Finally, it was Oswar’s turn, Minister of Foreign Affairs. It was well known that Oswar had a knack for negotiation, and was very well liked as the ambassador of the Reunited Kingdom. Much of the peace was owed to him. After racking his brains and using his connections, he brought a group of Ents with him. Each Ent held in the hands a Palantir, the Crystal Ball used for long range communication that is now mass produced under the rule of Eldarion.
The High King gave a puzzled look at the Ents communicating with each other through the Palantiri, before uncontrollably laughing and falling off his throne. Before long everyone was laughing at the sight.
&nbsp;
And so it came to be, that Oswar was conferred the title. It became known across Middle Earth that how Minister Oswar won the title of the Best Joke is Intercom Ents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clhk4j/eldarion_son_of_aragorn_high_king_of_the_reunited/
%
Should I

A little boy kills a butterfly
Dad says,"no butter for two weeks."
The little boy kills a honeybee
Dad says,"no honey for two weeks."
Mom kills a cockroach
The little boy turns to his dad and says,
"Are you gonna tell her or should I do it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clhjis/should_i/
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Irishmen!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clhhw9/irishmen/
%
I heard today was National Camouflage Day

But I don't see anybody else celebrating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clhdix/i_heard_today_was_national_camouflage_day/
%
Son's Note

##
A father was walking past his son's bedroom one day and happened to look in.
He was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up off the floor. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
Fearing the worst, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. It said:
*Dear Dad,*
*It is with great regret and sadness that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.*
*I have been finding real passion with Susie and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.*
*But it's not only the passion. Dad she's pregnant.*
*Don't worry though, Susie said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.*
*Susie has also opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.*
*In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Susie can get better. She deserves it.*
*Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.*
*Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.*
*Love, Your son Tim.*
*P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jimmy's house.*
*I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a lousy report card ...*
*That's in my desk drawer.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clhbt4/sons_note/
%
I don't get the appeal of school shooter jokes.

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clhb1t/i_dont_get_the_appeal_of_school_shooter_jokes/
%
What do u Call a boomerang that dosn’t comeback back?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clhayc/what_do_u_call_a_boomerang_that_dosnt_comeback/
%
What do an uber eats driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell it but can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clh9h0/what_do_an_uber_eats_driver_and_a_gynecologist/
%
A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night .................

A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt.
"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.
The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "Hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and he gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned."
Completely inebriated the drunk man thanks his new friend and puts a twenty in his shirt pocket and heads for home.
As soon as he walks through the front door his wife becomes irate and starts yelling at him, "Where have you been? you're completely drunk and you're a mess. Look at yourself, you puked all over the front of your shirt."
Completely wasted and slurring his words he explains to the wife, "No no, the guy sitting next to me threw up on my shirt and he gave me $20 to get it cleaned. Look, it's right here in my shirt pocket."
The wife reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, "There's $40 in here."
"Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clh4hr/a_drunk_guy_is_sitting_at_a_bar_by_himself_one/
%
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clh19v/an_amish_woman_and_her_daughter_were_riding_in_an/
%
The Compassionate Preacher.

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety four."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-four, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:
"It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clgooi/the_compassionate_preacher/
%
My brother just threw a glass of milk at me

.
How dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clgomo/my_brother_just_threw_a_glass_of_milk_at_me/
%
I was comparing the Male and Female genitalia.

I noticed a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clgng3/i_was_comparing_the_male_and_female_genitalia/
%
I find washing my feet to be a very religious process.

It's truly sole cleansing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clgn0y/i_find_washing_my_feet_to_be_a_very_religious/
%
Only the true king could remove the sword from the stone. No one else could.

They didn't have the right.....arthurization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clgj6d/only_the_true_king_could_remove_the_sword_from/
%
What did God say about Saint Joan when she arrived in heaven?

Well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clggo6/what_did_god_say_about_saint_joan_when_she/
%
My new Girlfriend really hates it when I use the words "retard" and "cunt.."

So I've promised to make a real effort to learn her kid's real names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clgdol/my_new_girlfriend_really_hates_it_when_i_use_the/
%
f'(x) goes into a bar

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't cater for functions".
>"Repost!"
\--No, it's derivative humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clgdix/fx_goes_into_a_bar/
%
If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clgb9s/if_women_drink_a_glass_of_red_wine_it_increases/
%
Are you a Pirate but afraid of Malware?

Avast, ye scurvy dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clg9j9/are_you_a_pirate_but_afraid_of_malware/
%
Found the moron that doesn't know what "thou" means.

It's obviously you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clg58p/found_the_moron_that_doesnt_know_what_thou_means/
%
Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clg41a/yesterday_i_read_an_article_about_the_dangers_of/
%
where do poor italians live?

in the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clg3r8/where_do_poor_italians_live/
%
I went to a prostitute and asked what her rate was for handjobs

She told me about ten strokes per second
I think it Hertz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clg1qo/i_went_to_a_prostitute_and_asked_what_her_rate/
%
A Male Driver is...

pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clg062/a_male_driver_is/
%
Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clfyqg/imagine_that_youre_stuck_in_a_locked_room_with_no/
%
I overdosed on viagra yesterday

It was the hardest day of my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clftpz/i_overdosed_on_viagra_yesterday/
%
My friend said it's really difficult to make jerky...

but it seems pretty cut and dry to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clfrzp/my_friend_said_its_really_difficult_to_make_jerky/
%
I froze myself to -273.15°C.

My friends thought I will freeze, but I'll be 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clfq1c/i_froze_myself_to_27315c/
%
It's important to keep fit as you get older,

my granny started walking 5 kilometres
a day when she was 60.
Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clfopd/its_important_to_keep_fit_as_you_get_older/
%
A married Irishman went to the confessional and said to the priest " I almost had an affair"

The priest asked " What do you mean by almost affair?".
The Irishman said " Well I got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped"
The priest said "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in". You're not to see that woman again and as penance you will say five Hail Marys and put $10 into the box for the poor.
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and walked over to the poor box, paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest who was watching this quickly ran over to him and said " I saw that. You didn't put any money into the box."
The Irishman replied " Yeah but I rubbed the $10 between the box and according to you, that's the ad putting it in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clfnqm/a_married_irishman_went_to_the_confessional_and/
%
I was going to make a joke about tree’s

But I think I’m stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clfmvt/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_trees/
%
A male driver is pulled over by a cop Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken
tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clfl1p/a_male_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_cop_man_whats/
%
Steve Irwin died how he lived.

With animals in his heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clfkbi/steve_irwin_died_how_he_lived/
%
A guy meets a beautiful girl in a bar and they start hitting it off.

Eventually he says "I'll bet you that I can guess when you were born just by squeezing your A guy meets a beautiful girl in a bar and they start hitting it off. Eventually he says "I'll bet you that I can guess when you were born just by squeezing your breasts. How about letting me try?"
She's skeptical but agrees to let him try. So the guy reaches under her blouse and begins gently squeezing her breasts. After a few seconds of this, he then starts caressing them and rubbing them and then squeezing them some more.
The guy says "Hmm I'm having a trouble figuring this out. Just give me a little more time." She agrees and he continues rubbing and squeezing her breasts some more.
Finally, the girl says "Ok ok!! That's enough!" and she pushes his hands away and pulls her blouse down. "So tell me - when was I born??"
The guy looks at her and says "Yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clfjxo/a_guy_meets_a_beautiful_girl_in_a_bar_and_they/
%
I broke my finger last week...

On the other hand, I’m doing ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clfh6y/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
%
What do you call it when Snoop Dogg pretends it's raining?

Faux drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clfgxu/what_do_you_call_it_when_snoop_dogg_pretends_its/
%
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man.  "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest.  The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clf081/the_elderly_italian_man_went_to_his_parish_priest/
%
What pronouns does the Pope go by?

He/hymn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clf00n/what_pronouns_does_the_pope_go_by/
%
Couldn't find the stress ball I got to help me with my anxiety

Turned out it went to see a therapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clezzv/couldnt_find_the_stress_ball_i_got_to_help_me/
%
As soon as they took my ankle monitor off, I moved in to a hotel

Just wanted to give my house arrest too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clexw5/as_soon_as_they_took_my_ankle_monitor_off_i_moved/
%
Did you hear about the female rapper that only raps on here period?

They say she has a mean flow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clesda/did_you_hear_about_the_female_rapper_that_only/
%
What did Jesus say when God ordered an ark to be built?

I Noah guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clerln/what_did_jesus_say_when_god_ordered_an_ark_to_be/
%
I told my wife she really needs to embrace her mistakes.

She hugged me and the kids right then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clehoj/i_told_my_wife_she_really_needs_to_embrace_her/
%
I named my 2 balls Jenna and Talia.

Together they are my Jenna Talia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cleecs/i_named_my_2_balls_jenna_and_talia/
%
Why don't the Clintons like Jehovah's witnesses?

The Clintons don't like ANY witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cledrd/why_dont_the_clintons_like_jehovahs_witnesses/
%
My sister and I always laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh harder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clebwx/my_sister_and_i_always_laugh_about_how/
%
A group of 3 men walked into a bar

The scottish man had whiskey the frenchman had champagne and the inuit had some bellinis- the french and scottish looked at him and both said: I knew it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cleb6i/a_group_of_3_men_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.  At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.  To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cleany/recently_a_routine_police_patrol_was_parked/
%
Went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat.

The librarian said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clea3p/went_to_the_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
%
What do you call X-rays taken by a dentist?

Tooth-pics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cle9uc/what_do_you_call_xrays_taken_by_a_dentist/
%
What do you call a transgender car

A Convertible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cle5m2/what_do_you_call_a_transgender_car/
%
I was bored this morning and decided to take my wife's medication just to see what the side effects were

Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best friend...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cle5ep/i_was_bored_this_morning_and_decided_to_take_my/
%
What do fancy horses drink?

Chardoneigh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cle4wn/what_do_fancy_horses_drink/
%
There's these two priests walking out of a church, having a conversation, when a drunk approaches them.

"Hey (hiccup), do you two serve the church?"
"Yes."
"Well, I'm the Son of God, so you guys are serving me."
"No, my friend, you are not."
"Really, I am. I can prove it."
"Okay, go ahead and prove it to us."
"Alright (hiccup), follow me."
The two priests follow him until he stops at a bar.
The priests look a little confused, but he assures them that this is the right place.
The drunk walks in and taps the bartender on the shoulder.
The bartender turns around and exclaims:
"Jesus Christ, you again?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cle319/theres_these_two_priests_walking_out_of_a_church/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter, he won’t come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cle0i6/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym

It's just the two days after that I can't stand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldxme/honestly_i_dont_mind_leg_day_at_the_gym/
%
What do you call a woman with no arms or legs?

Carrie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldnrs/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_no_arms_or_legs/
%
Emergency pilot

An aircraft is in flight when all of a sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot. Having heard the crash a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.  Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened.  So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says, "May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!" She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!" "I'm 5'4 and in the front seat of the plane." "O.K." says the voice on the radio. "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldnbh/emergency_pilot/
%
There once was a poet named Bates

Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldnad/there_once_was_a_poet_named_bates/
%
I absolutely hate penises.

That's why I beat mine everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldn3n/i_absolutely_hate_penises/
%
A man walks into a bar and says...

A shot of whiskey please.
The bartender quickly whips up a whiskey and while handing it to him says, "Dude, what happened to you, you're all filthy and ragged?"
The man replies, "Whew, I just had a couple of rough days, just recently I found out that my first son is gay!"
The bartender says, "I got nothing against gays, but it's your opinion not mine."
The next day the same man walks into the bar and orders two whiskeys
The bartender says, "You look terrible my friend, what happened?"
The man meekly looks at the bartender and says, "Remember how I said that my first son is gay? Yeah, well my second son is gay too!"
Not really understanding why being gay was so bad, the bartender simply gave him his whiskeys and patted him on his back.
It wasn't until the following week when the same man as before walked back into the bar. Assuming that the man had another gay son the bartender proceeds to ask him, "What, does nobody in your family like women?"
With an aghast look on his face, the man slowly whispered, "Well, apparently my wife does"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldlrh/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
%
A NSFW Joke

A man and his wife are in their bedroom having sex, when their young son walks in.
The boy is standing there for a minute before his dad notices him standing there.
The father grins and motions with his hand for his son to leave the room.
After he's finished with his wife, he goes looking for his son so he can have "the talk" with him.
As he's looking for his son, he hears crazy commotion coming from his son's bedroom.
He walks in, and and his son is going to town on his grandmother.
The father screams "oh my God, what the hell do you think you're doing!"
The boy says "not so funny when it's your mom is it!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldlgc/a_nsfw_joke/
%
[First Day as Car Salesman]

Customer:  Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that, car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldkrb/first_day_as_car_salesman/
%
My dog just became a therapy dog!

I’m so proud! He got his dogtorate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldkoa/my_dog_just_became_a_therapy_dog/
%
A ton of milk weighs less in the car.

Then it's only a carton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldk0d/a_ton_of_milk_weighs_less_in_the_car/
%
To the person who stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy now.

It's such a good joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldjxe/to_the_person_who_stole_my_antidepressants_i_hope/
%
Doctor, doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum!

Don’t worry, I've got some cream for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldj10/doctor_doctor_ive_got_a_strawberry_stuck_up_my_bum/
%
Whoever stole my anti-depressants

I hope you’re happy now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldj06/whoever_stole_my_antidepressants/
%
I read about this figure from Greek Mythology, Chiron.

He trained many heroes apparently, and was also a doctor. Ergo he was a Centaur for disease control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldhv1/i_read_about_this_figure_from_greek_mythology/
%
A Holocaust Surviver Dies and Goes to Heaven

A survivor of the Holocaust dies and goes to Heaven.
He gets past the gates, meets God, and tells him a Holocaust joke.
God says “that’s not funny.”
The man says “guess you had to be there.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldhrt/a_holocaust_surviver_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clddqn/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
%
How did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?

The Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cldc2e/how_did_the_dairy_queen_get_pregnant/
%
What do you call a type of orange that served in the military?

a navel officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cld8qu/what_do_you_call_a_type_of_orange_that_served_in/
%
A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted...

"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cld806/a_little_old_lady_would_feed_two_squirrels_in_her/
%
Why Donald Trump likes to play Golf not Tennis?

He is not good at returns!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cld7z9/why_donald_trump_likes_to_play_golf_not_tennis/
%
What do you call the top rated comment on r/jokes

A shitty pun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cld5yq/what_do_you_call_the_top_rated_comment_on_rjokes/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

Then a table, then a chair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cld5ic/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between God and a surgeon?

God knows that he's not a surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cld5g4/whats_the_difference_between_god_and_a_surgeon/
%
Why did the perfume maker end up in the mental hospital?

Because he stopped making scents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cld3go/why_did_the_perfume_maker_end_up_in_the_mental/
%
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity because I was circumcised,

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clczpk/i_wasnt_allowed_in_a_fraternity_because_i_was/
%
I know Kung-Fu, Taekwondo, Jujitsu...

...and 12 other Asian words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clcz12/i_know_kungfu_taekwondo_jujitsu/
%
2 men visits a prostitute

First guy went into the bedroom, came back out 10 minutes later disappointed
Second guy asked "What's wrong?" First guy says "She's not even worth it, even my wife's better than that." The second guy wanting to go a round for himself, walks into the bedroom. Shortly after 10 minutes, the second guy walked out the bedroom. Without breaking a sweat says "No doubt, you're right. Your wife is better!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clcyzv/2_men_visits_a_prostitute/
%
The tachyon leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."...

...A tachyon walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clcyoq/the_tachyon_leaves_the_bartender_says_we_dont/
%
I signed up for my company’s 401k, but I’m nervous

I’ve never ran that far before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clcxit/i_signed_up_for_my_companys_401k_but_im_nervous/
%
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clcvs4/a_male_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_cop_and_the/
%
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhino

Hell if I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clct1n/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an_elephant_and_a/
%
What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clcroc/whats_it_called_when_a_chameleon_cant_change_its/
%
So I heard this pretty awful pun about eggs the other day....

and I was like oh no, not egg-hen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clcpjz/so_i_heard_this_pretty_awful_pun_about_eggs_the/
%
I have a couple of jokes about unemployed people

Actually, never mind, they don't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clcm6u/i_have_a_couple_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
A man walks into a sperm bank with a jar in his hand

"What are you here for today, sir?" the front desk woman asks.
The man explains, "So I was here a couple of days ago and I was asked to bring a sample of my sperm. So I got home and I used both my left hand and right hand. Nothing. I asked my wife for help. She used her left hand and then her right hand. She tried using her mouth too. Still nothing. So then we decided to ask the neighbor for help. She used her left hand, and then her right hand, and then her mouth, and then under her armpit."
The woman is appalled. "You seriously had to ask your neighbor for assistance?!"
The man replies, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clcl8b/a_man_walks_into_a_sperm_bank_with_a_jar_in_his/
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A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor tells the man ‘I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re going to need to stop masturbating. The man ask ‘why doc?’

The doctor replies ‘because I am trying to examine you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clcjgl/a_man_goes_to_see_his_doctor_the_doctor_tells_the/
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They say one out of every seven friends has a gambling addiction.

My money is on Jimmy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clcgd4/they_say_one_out_of_every_seven_friends_has_a/
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Where does an apple go hiking?

The Apple-achian Mountains...
I’ll delete my account now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clce30/where_does_an_apple_go_hiking/
%
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it’s fish.

The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”
“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish!?!?”
“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take ’em home.”
“What a line of baloney…you’re under arrest.”
The redneck said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Gov’ment man. I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!!”
“WE do, now, do WE?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!”
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”
“Well, WHUT?” said the redneck.
The warden asked, “When are you going to call em back?”
“Call who back?”
“The FISH,” replied the warden!
“Whut fish?” asked the redneck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clcd39/a_redneck_with_a_bucket_full_of_live_fish_was/
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What does a chicken taco say?

Guawk guawk!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clcapt/what_does_a_chicken_taco_say/
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If you already know what happens next year, do you have

2020 vision?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clc6vw/if_you_already_know_what_happens_next_year_do_you/
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I am a chick magnet

Just the side that repels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clc6uz/i_am_a_chick_magnet/
%
An old woman is watching the news.

She sees a news report saying there is a car driving in the wrong direction on the highway.
So the old woman calls up her husband.
Old woman: be careful on the highway dear, there is a crazy driver on the highway driving the wrong way!
Old man: One driver? They are all driving the wrong way!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clc16w/an_old_woman_is_watching_the_news/
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Redneck Letter

Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain... We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Love,
Mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clc098/redneck_letter/
%
I always get raped in jail...

I hate playing monopoly with my uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clbvn8/i_always_get_raped_in_jail/
%
I'm thinking about opening a clothing store. Half the store will carry only traditional, colorful women's gowns from India, and the other half will carry everything else.

I'm going to call it Sari/Not-Sari.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clbvil/im_thinking_about_opening_a_clothing_store_half/
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Redneck Job seekers

2 redneck brothers are going to an employment agency
The counselor asks the 1st redneck "do you have any special skills?"
He replies "I'm a pilot."
She says "oh that's wonderful!  There is a high demand for good pilots. if you go down to the airport you will have no problem finding a job."
With that advice he leaves for the airport.
the 2nd redneck walks in and the lady asks him if he has any special skills.
he thinks about it for a minute and says "I'm a tree cutter."
The consular says "I'm sorry we don't have a high demand around here for tree cutters.  I'll put you into the system and see what I can do."
the redneck says "why did you have a job for my brother and not for me?"
She says "your brother is a pilot, he has a very specialized and in demand skill."
"What do you mean a specialized skill? I cut wood and he piles it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clbswi/redneck_job_seekers/
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I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clbqro/i_got_kicked_out_of_astronaut_training_for_joking/
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What would China respond with regards the recent Hong Kong protests?

Tank you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clbncr/what_would_china_respond_with_regards_the_recent/
%
My 11 year old Niece told me this joke today.

A dad is driving his three kids to school. The first kid asks, "Dad, why did you call me blossom?" The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital, a leaf fell from a blossom tree. So we called you blossom."
The second kid then asks, "why did you call me Daisy?" The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital a Daisy landed on you so we called you Daisy."
The final child then says, "NENENENENENNEEEEENE!" And the Dad says, "Shut up brick."
Sorry if this has already been posted before I just couldn't believe that my niece told me this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clbn9j/my_11_year_old_niece_told_me_this_joke_today/
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What did one nut say as he was chasing another nut?

"I'm a cashew!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clbhek/what_did_one_nut_say_as_he_was_chasing_another_nut/
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When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.

Now I understand why they call Johnny handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clbh7g/when_3_people_have_sex_its_a_threesome_when_2/
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There was a man who had worked all his life and saved all of his money...

He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me, because I want to take all my money to the afterlife.
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black nex to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakes got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait A Minute!"
She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man."
She said, "Yes l, I promised that. I'm a Good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that cakser with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
" I sure did", said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a checque"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clbd7x/there_was_a_man_who_had_worked_all_his_life_and/
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If you ever get lost in a forest

Just start talking about politics and someone will show up to argue with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clbbt9/if_you_ever_get_lost_in_a_forest/
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What does a nuclear power plant and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clbbh2/what_does_a_nuclear_power_plant_and_your_mom_have/
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A husband comes home with a cat as a surprise to cheer up his wife who's been depressed lately since her mother passed away...

The cat was sneaking around the kitchen and knocked over some canned beans in the process. This made quite a bit of noise so when the wife went to the kitchen to investigate, she was pleasantly surprised to see that the cat was out of the bag and that she had spilled the beans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clba2o/a_husband_comes_home_with_a_cat_as_a_surprise_to/
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A woman orders a very specific tea at a local cafe however the waitress mistakenly brings her a different one...

When the woman takes a sip of it, she notices this and tells the waitress that this is flavor is not her cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clb783/a_woman_orders_a_very_specific_tea_at_a_local/
%
What’s the difference between a blond and a brick?

A brick doesn’t come around bugging you for days after you lay it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clb679/whats_the_difference_between_a_blond_and_a_brick/
%
My friend got 9/10 on his drivers test

One jumped out of his way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clb500/my_friend_got_910_on_his_drivers_test/
%
I am dating this half korean chick

Her mom is korean
And her dad is korean
But her legs got ripped of in a car accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clb4ob/i_am_dating_this_half_korean_chick/
%
What's old and hanging in my attic?

My grandpa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clb3ry/whats_old_and_hanging_in_my_attic/
%
I masturbate in corners a lot.

I guess you could say I’m a bit of an anglephile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clb0vq/i_masturbate_in_corners_a_lot/
%
Why can’t the blind change a tire?

Because they can’t see jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clax46/why_cant_the_blind_change_a_tire/
%
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.

They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them.
The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded, "You're lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read: "We will never forget you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clawn9/two_women_go_out_one_saturday_night_without_their/
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I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today

It’s a cut throat business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/claqa3/i_got_sacked_from_my_job_at_the_guillotine/
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A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident...

...In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clalz0/a_farmer_named_clyde_had_a_tractor_accident/
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This joke is better performed than written but I think y'all will enjoy it

How do you play catch with a kid with no arms or legs?
[Grunt and pretend you're trying to heave something heavy]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/claibr/this_joke_is_better_performed_than_written_but_i/
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What’s the difference between a feminist and a spear?

The spear actually has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clahfc/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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A son asks his father, "What's an alcoholic dad?"

The father replies,"You see those four trees son, an alcoholic would see eight"
The son replies,"But dad, there's only 2 trees over there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clafj8/a_son_asks_his_father_whats_an_alcoholic_dad/
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Why did the Olive Garden manager get locked out of the restaurant?

He had Gnocchi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/claeoi/why_did_the_olive_garden_manager_get_locked_out/
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Hector

, an 80 year old man, was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started breast-feeding her baby.  The baby wouldn't take it so she told it, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later Hector, the anxious old man blurted out, "Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cladun/hector/
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So two conspiracy theorists go to heaven

2 conspiracy theorists end up in heaven. They're at the gates and they see Jesus.
Jesus tells them that they can ask him any question they want. So they basically ask "who did 9/11?"
Jesus replies a "bunch of pissed-off terrorists"
The conspiracy theorists are shocked.
They look at each other for a minute. Then one leans into the other and Whispers in his ear "man. This goes up way higher than we thought"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/clacyg/so_two_conspiracy_theorists_go_to_heaven/
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What do you call a man with one leg?

Anything you want. He can't run fast enough to catch you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/claaie/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_one_leg/
%
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cla9hw/a_male_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_cop_and_the/
%
I used to know many jokes about unemployed people

Sadly none of them works right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cla7tu/i_used_to_know_many_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
My friend climbed the fourth highest mountain in the world. The next week, he climbed the third highest mountain, and the week after that he climbed the second highest one.

Gosh, will this guy Everest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cla7hm/my_friend_climbed_the_fourth_highest_mountain_in/
%
a car's weakest part

the nut holding the steering wheel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cla6j3/a_cars_weakest_part/
%
The first time I asked a woman to make love to me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably..

Ive never pointed a gun at anyone before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cla5hs/the_first_time_i_asked_a_woman_to_make_love_to_me/
%
Every time my wife gets her hair dyed, she records it on her phone.

I think she watches the highlights later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cla46v/every_time_my_wife_gets_her_hair_dyed_she_records/
%
I slipped on black ice the other day.

I thought it was regular ice, but when I got up my wallet was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cla0pc/i_slipped_on_black_ice_the_other_day/
%
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The Wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cla06y/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f-----g her." The boss says, "You f--k your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl9z21/guy_keeps_calling_off_work_on_mondays/
%
I was going to make an anal joke

Butt fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl9y3n/i_was_going_to_make_an_anal_joke/
%
I heard on the TV, "no arms race between Russia and the United States"

I thought to myself, "I didn't even know the Paralympics were on"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl9r25/i_heard_on_the_tv_no_arms_race_between_russia_and/
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A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:
“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.”
“They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: “No Jews, please.” "
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: “Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.”
“One is a Lieutenant Commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.”
“The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD, in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering, are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.”
“The third officer is also a Lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.”
“Finally, the fourth officer, also a Lieutenant Commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .”
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, “There must be some mistake.”
“No, Madam,” said the first officer.
“Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl9qbv/a_us_navy_cruiser_is_anchored_in_mississippi_for/
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What do you call someone who is fed up with people?

A canibal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl9ndi/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_fed_up_with_people/
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what do you call children born in a whore house?

brothel sprouts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl9n3n/what_do_you_call_children_born_in_a_whore_house/
%
Im going to freeze myself at -273.15 °C

My friends are worried, but I will be 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl9mqa/im_going_to_freeze_myself_at_27315_c/
%
A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat

Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl9ezm/a_little_old_lady_went_to_buy_cat_food_she_picked/
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I attached all my watches to make a belt...

It was a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl9bn5/i_attached_all_my_watches_to_make_a_belt/
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I sure am getting tired of this infection in my chest but I can’t even be mad at the bacteria

I mean, home is where the heart is after all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl9apm/i_sure_am_getting_tired_of_this_infection_in_my/
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A monocle walks into a bar...

After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl9ah5/a_monocle_walks_into_a_bar/
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If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened..

Noble gases should have no reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl990k/if_queen_elizabeth_accidentally_farts_during/
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A very drunk man in a bar orders another scotch. The bartender says, "You're too drunk, Joe, go home.

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.
A few minutes later he walks back in and says, "I'll have a scotch."
The bartender says, "Joe, I told you. You're too drunk. Go home."
Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.
A few minutes later he walks back in and says, "I'll have a scotch."
The bartender says, "Joe, for the last time. You're too drunk. Go home."
Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.
A few minutes later he walks back in, stops at the door, stares at the bartender and says, "God damn it! How many bars do you work at?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl96q1/a_very_drunk_man_in_a_bar_orders_another_scotch/
%
I gathered some people to excavate some tibias and fibulas the other day...

It was a shin dig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl93up/i_gathered_some_people_to_excavate_some_tibias/
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Concentration camp, December 24th 1940s

It's Christmas Eve 1940 and there is room full of Jews who are prisoners at a concentration camp. It's the holiday season and The commandant is in a particularly good mood so he goes to the room and opens the door.
"It's Christmas and I'm in a giving mood," he says, " I've decided to let you all go".
Almost everyone cries out with joy and begin to stand up when all of the sudden a man in the back of the room chimes in and says "sorry but we don't celebrate Christmas".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl917n/concentration_camp_december_24th_1940s/
%
You know that horrible feeling that you're about to bump into your ex?

I hate digging in the garden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl90cz/you_know_that_horrible_feeling_that_youre_about/
%
I have achieved the peak ramen-to-income ratio.

If I make more money, I'll eat less ramen.
And if I make any less money, I'll also eat less ramen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl8zdi/i_have_achieved_the_peak_ramentoincome_ratio/
%
They say the bigger your shoes are the bigger your dick,and the bigger your car,the smaller your dick

No wonder everyone is so scared of clowns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl8zc5/they_say_the_bigger_your_shoes_are_the_bigger/
%
It just occurred to me why the Grim Reaper is so popular in myths and cultures throughout the world

People are always dying to meet him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl8xk5/it_just_occurred_to_me_why_the_grim_reaper_is_so/
%
Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl8w35/why_did_the_tomato_blush/
%
A man is walking along the beach, and encounters a woman with no arms or legs

She catches him looking, so he feels it necessary to say hi. She explains that her caretaker left her there, while she went to get lunch. They chat for a while, and he stands to walk away. The woman looks at him, and blurts out:
"Hey. You're so nice and handsome. I'm embarrassed to even ask this. I've never been kissed before. Would you please kiss me?"
The man looks around to see if anyone is watching, and thinks, what the hell. He leans in an gives her a passionate kiss. He stands up again, and begins to walk away. The woman stops him.
"Wow! That was amazing! I am so turned on! I can't believe I'm about to ask this, but I'm so horny, and I've never been fucked before! Will you please fuck me?!"
The man looks around again, and sees no one in sight. He gently picks the woman up, looks deep into her eyes, flings her into the ocean, and yells, "You're fucked now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl8t5b/a_man_is_walking_along_the_beach_and_encounters_a/
%
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl8p58/what_do_you_call_a_sheep_covered_in_chocolate/
%
Two Indians go for a job interview.

First one enters the room for the interview. After introductions, goes on to ask further questions.
Interviewer: Who was the first president of India?
Interviewee 1: Dr. Rajendra Prasad.
Interviewer: Who was the first female Prime minister of India?
Interviewee 1: Indira Gandhi.
Interviewer: Do you believe in aliens?
Interviewee 1: Scientists are still researching on that.
His interview ends, and he goes out of the room. The other interviewee comes up to him and asks the answers to the questions that were asked before entering the room. After hearing all the answers, he then proceeds to the room.
He sits, and the interviewer begins with the interview.
Interviewer: What's your father's name?
Interviewee 2: Dr. Rajendra Prasad
Interviewer: What's your mother's name?
Interviewee 2: Indira Gandhi
Interviewer: Are you crazy?
Interviewee 2: Scientists are still researching on that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl8n00/two_indians_go_for_a_job_interview/
%
I recently did the Ancestry DNA testing

I didn't know you're not supposed to drink anything 30 minutes prior to your saliva sample, which explains why it said I'm 100% Irish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl8hzm/i_recently_did_the_ancestry_dna_testing/
%
God explain to stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell

God : You prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell ?
Stalin : i chose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl8h53/god_explain_to_stalin_he_can_only_send_him_to/
%
How did i escape from Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl8ds6/how_did_i_escape_from_iraq/
%
Timing is everything

These two guys meet after many years.
First guy asks the second,
"How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,
"I  w..a..s   a..l..m..o..s..t  m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, " Y..e..s,  I  w..e..n..t  t..o  a
d..o..c..t..o..r    a..n..d    h..e    t..o..l..d    m..e
t...h..a..t    i..f    I  s..p..e..a..k    s..l..o..w..l..y    I
w..i..l..l    n..o..t    s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how  he
was almost married.
"W..e..l..l,    m..y    f..i..a..n..c..e..e    a..n..d    I
w..e..r..e    s..i..t..t..i..n..g    o..n  h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h  a..n..d    t..h..e  d..o..g    w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g    h..i..s    b..a..c..k    a..n..d
I    t..o..l..d    h..e..r    t..h..a..t    w..h..e..n    w..e
a..r..e    m..a..r..r..i...e..d,    s..h..e    c..o  u  l  d
d...o    t..h..a..t    f..o..r    m..e    a..n..d    s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w    t..h..e    r..i..n..g  i..n    m..y
f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the  first friend.
" W..e..l..l,    I    s..p..e..a..k    s..o    s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t    b..y    t..h..e    t..i..m..e    s..h...e
l..o..o..k..e..d    a..t    t..h..e  d..o..g,    h..e
w..a..s    l..i..c..k..i..n..g    h..i..s    b..a..l..l..s"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl8cr2/timing_is_everything/
%
What did the farmer say to the corn that was being difficult?

Go shuck yourself.
What did the mom say to her child walking through the cornfield?
Watch out for stalkers.
Sorry for all the corny jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl8cmg/what_did_the_farmer_say_to_the_corn_that_was/
%
A man with a wooden eye

Had not had a date in years, since before he lost his eye. One day he meets a woman who had a terrible hair lip. After they had talked for a while he decides to ask her out. She was so excited that he had asked her out she exclaimed
Would I, would I! Before she could finish her answer he shot back, hair lip, hair lip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl8cfv/a_man_with_a_wooden_eye/
%
How the Wii sold well in France

Cashier: There’s this thing called Wii, want to buy it?
French person: Wii?
Cashier: *scans Wii* that’ll be €247

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl89qg/how_the_wii_sold_well_in_france/
%
A gymnast walks into a bar.

She gets a two-point deduction and ruins her chances of a medal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl87vx/a_gymnast_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Whenever my German girlfriend and I have sex, she rates her experience on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we were trying anal for the first time, she kept screaming “NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!” That’s the best I’ve ever done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl80xg/whenever_my_german_girlfriend_and_i_have_sex_she/
%
So I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl7z6p/so_i_recently_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
My garage was broken into and all of my limbo equipment was taken...

... I’m mean seriously, how low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl7wzj/my_garage_was_broken_into_and_all_of_my_limbo/
%
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl7w4f/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
I regret going to an emo barber.

Instead of cutting my hair he just kept cutting himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl7vsu/i_regret_going_to_an_emo_barber/
%
What did the ocean say to the land? Nothing, it just waved.

Did you SEA what i did there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl7sj3/what_did_the_ocean_say_to_the_land_nothing_it/
%
What did the man have to say about his Australian beverage with marijuana in it?

It's pretty-high-koala-tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl7sbs/what_did_the_man_have_to_say_about_his_australian/
%
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl7qe3/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
%
Everyone is always confusing rapping with raping.

There’s an easy way to remember. One is what Cardi B does, and the other is a style of music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl7o90/everyone_is_always_confusing_rapping_with_raping/
%
The assassination of Julius Caesar

Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion:
"8/2, Brute..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl7o0a/the_assassination_of_julius_caesar/
%
Why did the car die on the highway?

It went into Cadillac arrest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl7nz1/why_did_the_car_die_on_the_highway/
%
Walks into bookstore...

Me: do you have any books on turtles?
Worker: hard back?
Me: yes, with little heads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl7in7/walks_into_bookstore/
%
French people are badass.

They eat pain for breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl7h3s/french_people_are_badass/
%
I was buying fish the other day and asked the cashier for a plastic bag...

He said it was already inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl7b9h/i_was_buying_fish_the_other_day_and_asked_the/
%
A banker buys 5 tons of NaCl...

Yeah, he's known for his compound interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl7ant/a_banker_buys_5_tons_of_nacl/
%
When I was younger I was molested by a mime...

He did unspeakable things to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl76eb/when_i_was_younger_i_was_molested_by_a_mime/
%
My girlfriend said girls are much better at multitasking than boys...

I told her to sit down and shut up and she couldn’t do any of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl766y/my_girlfriend_said_girls_are_much_better_at/
%
I was at a Chinese buffet filling up my plate when I noticed something move in one of the food trays.

I disregarded it and continued filling up my plate before heading back to the table.
After I finished I went up again and made sure to keep an eye on that tray and lo and behold something moved again! This time I get a better look and it appeared to be a pair of eyes pop up, see me and quickly hide under the food again.
I knew I had seen some eyes so I went over to the server and said 'excuse me but there's something alive in that tray.'
He replied, 'oh, that's the Peking duck.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl75f7/i_was_at_a_chinese_buffet_filling_up_my_plate/
%
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl73yk/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_at/
%
A cop gets called out to a bar on suspicion of a man selling drugs in the bathroom

Upon arrival, the cop finds a man with a bag of cocaine in his hand about to flush it down the toilet. The cop stops him and asks him, “is this bag yours?”
The man replies “I’m sorry officer I swear someone handed me these and ran. I kept trying to flush them down the toilet but they keep appearing back in my hand. I swear it’s magic!”
The officer is intrigued and prompts the man “Really? Go ahead and show me”
The man flushes the drugs down the toilet and looks at the cop with a smile on his face.
The cop asks him, “so where are the drugs?”
The man merely replies, “what drugs?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl71eg/a_cop_gets_called_out_to_a_bar_on_suspicion_of_a/
%
Why was the transgender deer standing in line at a bakery?

She heard she could buy some donuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl70b3/why_was_the_transgender_deer_standing_in_line_at/
%
Why do nurses carry red crayons?

In case they need to draw blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl6yyy/why_do_nurses_carry_red_crayons/
%
A man ran out of fuel in midnight, hitchhiking

Then he saw a car coming at him. He got in the car, and the car started to move slowly. The scary thing is  that there was no driver! He had no options. There was a hairpin, and again, there is no driver. When he got to the hairpin, a dark hand coming from the window turns the steering wheel, he was terrified. After a while moving, he arrived to a bar and he gets out of the van. Going in the bar, he saw 2 angry men with baseball bats after him staring directly at him. They said "So you were the idiot in our car while we were pushing it?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl6x0j/a_man_ran_out_of_fuel_in_midnight_hitchhiking/
%
What do you call a psychic midget who escapes from jail ?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl6tip/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_who_escapes/
%
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl6lj6/a_sweater_i_bought_was_picking_up_static/
%
A woman is caught cheating on her husband...

Her son walks in from school, with her husband close behind. Thinking fast, she shoves her lover and the boy into the closet, then begins casually talking to the husband.
" It sure is dark in here... It'd be a shame if I were to... Scream." Whispers the boy slyly.
" Please don't tell, I'll give you anything! " The cheater whispers back.
After quite a bit of thought, the boy says "Would you give me 10 bucks?" . The man hastily complies. Several weeks later, they find themselves in a similar situation, once again in the closet.
"Boy, it sure is dark in here. It'd be a shame if I were to scream and let my dad know."
The man says, "What do you want this time?"
The boy walks away 100 dollars richer.
Weeks later, they find themselves in the **same** closet in the same situation. This time, the boy requests 1,000 dollars.
"WHAT?!? I don't have that kind of money!" snaps the man. " Blackmail is just as wrong as cheating! You're Catholic, right? Go and confess to the priest. "
The boy begrudgingly complies. The next day, he walks into the cathedral and finds his way to the confessional. He sighs, then tried to see if his trick will work on the priest.
"Boy, it sure is dark in here. It would be a shame if I were to scream."
The priest sighs, then whispers "Not this again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl6lio/a_woman_is_caught_cheating_on_her_husband/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl6cvg/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
During my wedding speech, I told everyone who is married to stand next to the one person that has made their life worth living.

The bartender was almost trampled to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl6b10/during_my_wedding_speech_i_told_everyone_who_is/
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What is the Spanish word for accidentally taking a second sleeping pill?

Tambien™

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl6a9r/what_is_the_spanish_word_for_accidentally_taking/
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NSFW Old Lady and Two bags

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”
She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their p.... through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”
The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”
The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his p.... through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”
“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”
The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl68cz/nsfw_old_lady_and_two_bags/
%
I know a redheaded baker. I call him...

...the ginger bread man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl67dh/i_know_a_redheaded_baker_i_call_him/
%
USS Placentia

His ship's compliment stood at attention on the dock. The boat, a Virginia class submarine in the United States Navy floated behind him, the sail, blocking out the sun as rose in the east.  Captain Johnson stepped onto the dais and walked up to the microphone to  addressed his crew.
"Men, I'm glad to see you all on this fine morning!  There is no crew as dedicated or skilled as you, the crew of the USS Placentia!  We have all been together now for several years and for many of you this is your second or third posting to this fine vessel!  As many of you know, the US Navy has been using us as an experiment to see how a crew of actual brothers will work together.  Our ship named after Placentia California embodies the idea that family ties make us stronger!   I'm proud to be your commander and to look out upon all the fine families we have aboard!
As I look out at you I see the Smith brothers who've all served multiple times on Placentia.   I see the Castillo twins, also veterans of our fine ship.  Of course who could forget the Joke brothers who live up to their family name and keep us entertained out  under the sea, all 3 of whom have served with us in the past!"
As the Capitain began to finish his speech the Executive Officer leaned over and whispered in his ear.  He turned back to the mic and spoke again, "Men! I owe you an apology as I misspoke.  It seems we have someone new in our crew this time around and I'm happy to say it's the 4th and youngest of the Joke brothers!  Yes, Gentlemen, we finally have a Joke that's not a repost in this sub!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl64eo/uss_placentia/
%
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?

Yeah, it's pretty nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl62lt/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_dipped_his_balls/
%
Don’t ever make fun of people with chronic diarrhea.

They already get enough shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl5x7m/dont_ever_make_fun_of_people_with_chronic_diarrhea/
%
My ex and I used to have a ninja fetish

But then we stopped seeing each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl5tvi/my_ex_and_i_used_to_have_a_ninja_fetish/
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An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"
The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl5o6w/an_englishman_and_an_irishman_walk_into_a_bakery/
%
Holocaust survivor dies, goes to heaven and meets God. Tells God a holocaust joke and God stands there and says "thats not funny".

Holocaust survivor goes "yea... I guess ya had to be there"
Credit: Ricky Gervais (who heard it elsewhere but cant remember where)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl5nsx/holocaust_survivor_dies_goes_to_heaven_and_meets/
%
What is worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl5nr8/what_is_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
What is the Sisyphus favorite band?

The Rolling Stones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl5n11/what_is_the_sisyphus_favorite_band/
%
Have you ever wondered if zits are just God trying to speak to you in Braille?

Mine say, "Nobody will ever love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl5l2b/have_you_ever_wondered_if_zits_are_just_god/
%
I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole.

For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl5j16/i_have_mixed_opinions_on_asia_as_a_whole/
%
Trump is a genius

Bringing back the cold war to combat climate change.
Truly a man of the ages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl5i4g/trump_is_a_genius/
%
There was once a scientist who found he could raise his IQ by masterbaiting

It was a stroke of genius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl5hag/there_was_once_a_scientist_who_found_he_could/
%
What's long, black, hard, and full of semen.

A submarine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl5fgi/whats_long_black_hard_and_full_of_semen/
%
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.  Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl56v7/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_was_speaking_so_softly_at/
%
What do Panties and Nail polish have in common?

They both come off with Alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl56pp/what_do_panties_and_nail_polish_have_in_common/
%
We adopted this dog. She's a kinda mean. Always growling at people. We named her Payback.

And Payback can be a real bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl5608/we_adopted_this_dog_shes_a_kinda_mean_always/
%
An American couple, an English couple and a Ukrainian couple are dining together.

The american husband says "could you pass me the honey, honey?" to his wife. The English man says "could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" to his wife. The Ukrainian husband sees this and says "pass me the bacon, you pig!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl53w3/an_american_couple_an_english_couple_and_a/
%
My friend wants to sue the airport for losing all of his luggage.

I don't think he has a case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl52w2/my_friend_wants_to_sue_the_airport_for_losing_all/
%
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl52rp/why_did_the_nurse_need_a_red_pen_at_work/
%
A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!  The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl52q0/a_farmer_walks_into_a_hardware_store_and_asks_for/
%
The day the postman retires.

A postman is delivering letters on his last day before retirement, he walks up some steps onto a porch and puts some mail through the slot in the door. He starts to walk down the stairs when he hears the door opening, he looks back and there’s a lady in a robe. She takes his hand and they go upstairs to the bedroom, she makes love to him for a half an hour, then she takes him down to the kitchen and makes him breakfast. As he’s walking out the front door she gives him an envelope, in it is a $20 bill, he’s looking at her very confused and says “ lady I’ve been a postman for 30 years and nothing like this has ever happened before, what’s going on?”She says “ Well last night I told my husband that you were retiring and maybe we should do something for you, he said “ fuckem , give him $20 “, the breakfast was my idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl50j4/the_day_the_postman_retires/
%
Lately, it's been getting harder and harder as each day passes by..

Which makes me think that this over the counter Viagra is legit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl4u7m/lately_its_been_getting_harder_and_harder_as_each/
%
My local priest said I was the most handsome boy he had ever laid eyes on

I was touched

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl4qcn/my_local_priest_said_i_was_the_most_handsome_boy/
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl4klm/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
%
I was going to make a fat joke

But he already was one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl4isj/i_was_going_to_make_a_fat_joke/
%
PETA recently started an AD campaign against masturbation

I guess they have a problem with people beating their meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl4hyy/peta_recently_started_an_ad_campaign_against/
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I told my wife she'd trimmed her eye brows too high..

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl4eqa/i_told_my_wife_shed_trimmed_her_eye_brows_too_high/
%
"I really don't think you have a case, sir," said the detective as my wife washed her hair and cried from the bathroom.

"How can you say that?!" I demanded. "That hairstylist is a monster!"
"Look, sir, I can't just go around arresting every barber that gives a bad haircut." He glanced at his notes. "Even if he made her 'look like Captain Kirk.'"
"I never said he made her look like Captain Kirk!" I barked. "I said he Shatner hair!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl4245/i_really_dont_think_you_have_a_case_sir_said_the/
%
A man comes back to his doctor for a follow-up visit.

He tells the doctor, "Hey Doc, I'm really not feeling too well. I hope you've got good news for me."
The doctor replies, "I do, but I also have some bad news. Which do you want first?"
"Give me the good news first."
"Well, I'm going to have a disease named after me and it might make me world famous," the doctor says with some pride.
"Hey, Doc, congratulations.  So... what was the bad news?"
"I couldn't have done it without you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl3xni/a_man_comes_back_to_his_doctor_for_a_followup/
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Did you hear about the Mexican space program?

They’re sending chickens to the moon for the first time ever, they’re calling it A-pollo 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl3pqn/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_space_program/
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What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant hooker?

You can unscrew the lightbulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl3pfo/whats_the_difference_between_a_lightbulb_and_a/
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I like my beer the same way I like my violence.

Domestic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl3pbb/i_like_my_beer_the_same_way_i_like_my_violence/
%
f(x) goes into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't cater for functions"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl3nt2/fx_goes_into_a_bar/
%
You shouldn’t make fun of fat people

They have enough on their plates already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl3hjm/you_shouldnt_make_fun_of_fat_people/
%
There were once a man that was claimed to be the laziest man on earth

Nobody had seen him ever do anything but lay on his bed and breath. That's it.
On one day the people from the city where he lived wanted to know if he was actually the laziest person on earth. So they created a contest where the laziest person won a lot of money.
People from the whole world came to compete. The man had to be forced to attend the contest.
After the contest was over the man was not the winner. He finished on the 4th place. This irritated a lot of people so they asked him why he thought he didn't win. His answer was: " I got 4th place on purpose." When they asked why he told them.
"I was too lazy to go to the stage but still wanted to finish high"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl3hgq/there_were_once_a_man_that_was_claimed_to_be_the/
%
A guy goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him "I'm sorry sir but you only have 3 minutes left to live."  The guy says "My god doc, is there anything you can do for me?" and the doctor replies "Well, I could boil you an egg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl3gsa/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Martha had terrible acne and had very little luck getting dates.

She was so glad when Bill started taking an interest in her. She didn’t mind at all that Bill had a fake wooden eye that looked off in odd directions when he spoke. She was just happy to have a man finally take an interest in her despite her terrible acne problem.
For his part, Bill was very sensitive about his eye which he knew looked bizarre but he could t afford to get an expensive glass eye. The others made fun of him calling him “wood eye” and such crass monikers. He thought Martha was nice and she didn’t seem to mind his eye and never made fun of him like the others. So he decided to ask her out on a date.
“Martha, would you like to go out on a date to the movies with me?” Bill asked.
“Oh. would I, would I ??!! she exclaimed.
Shocked by her making fun of his eye, Bill screamed “fuck you pizza face!” and stormed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl3g4o/martha_had_terrible_acne_and_had_very_little_luck/
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What do you call a hippy's wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl3ep2/what_do_you_call_a_hippys_wife/
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Which sexual positions produce the ugliest children?

Ask your mom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl3775/which_sexual_positions_produce_the_ugliest/
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Young Samuel Jackson (an old one, adapted)

Young Samuel Jackson got a toy train for Christmas one year. His parents set up the track for him, and he happily sat down to play while the parents went about their business.
Sam yelled, "All you motherfuckers gettin on the train, get on the train! All you motherfuckers gettin off the train, get off the train! The train is leavin the motherfucking station!"
His mother, hearing this, ran into the room and exclaimed, "Samuel! That language is unacceptable! Go stand in the corner for 15 minutes."
15 minutes later, young Samuel returned to his toy train. He yelled, "All you motherfuckers gettin on the train, get on the train! All you motherfuckers gettin off the train, get off the train! The train is leavin the motherfucking station! All you motherfuckers who want to complain about the delay, go see the bitch in the kitchen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl366v/young_samuel_jackson_an_old_one_adapted/
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I was going to make a fat joke

It didn't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl350h/i_was_going_to_make_a_fat_joke/
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Attending Jihadi terrorist school

has really been a blast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl34cu/attending_jihadi_terrorist_school/
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Bad: Waking up and finding a penis drawn on your face.

Worse: Finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl2xpr/bad_waking_up_and_finding_a_penis_drawn_on_your/
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“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl2xbb/well_unfortunately_ive_got_good_news_and_ive_got/
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What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to go down hill?

Walking...J.k Rowling!
It’s an oldy but thought I’d share

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl2nrv/whats_harry_potters_favorite_way_to_go_down_hill/
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My friend and I are just in the middle of climbing Mount Everest. We are so exhausted, when we get to the top...

Me and Himalayaing down for a bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl2lgd/my_friend_and_i_are_just_in_the_middle_of/
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A woman gets out the shower

A woman is just getting out the shower when there's a knock at the door. She doesn't have a towel at hand so she shouts, "Who is it?".
"It's the blind man"
Realising the towel no longer matters, she opens the door.
The blind man says, "Nice tits, love. Where do you want the blinds?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl2jve/a_woman_gets_out_the_shower/
%
I am a social vegan

I avoid “meet”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl2dod/i_am_a_social_vegan/
%
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner and make it up to you. May I join you?” He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.
He gets her phone number and asks, “You are the most charming woman I’ve ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No” she replies.
“You just happened to catch my eye.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl28ij/at_a_hotel_restaurant_a_man_sees_an_attractive/
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A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."
Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl28da/a_german_shepherd_doberman_and_a_cat_die_and_go/
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China has been the most important country for American schools.

Because they invented both paper and gunpowder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl27h8/china_has_been_the_most_important_country_for/
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My folks went to a planet with no bilateral symmetry

And all they brought me was this lousy F-shirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl271a/my_folks_went_to_a_planet_with_no_bilateral/
%
What did the homeless protester want?

Change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl26pf/what_did_the_homeless_protester_want/
%
Six reasons not to play russian roulette.

The fifth one will blow your mind!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl1z2e/six_reasons_not_to_play_russian_roulette/
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What's the toughest part of being a vegan?

Apparently keeping it to yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl1sdl/whats_the_toughest_part_of_being_a_vegan/
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I wouldn't let Sean Connery play with my pet lobsters.

He called me a "Shellfish Basterd."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl1pk3/i_wouldnt_let_sean_connery_play_with_my_pet/
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I might buy you an exploding calculator...

But don't count on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl1mon/i_might_buy_you_an_exploding_calculator/
%
Standing on the beach after the great proletariat revolution of 1907, what did one Russian say to the other?

serfs up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl1hh1/standing_on_the_beach_after_the_great_proletariat/
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i have a 13 year kid body

and his family are worried sick about him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl1f61/i_have_a_13_year_kid_body/
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There's a whore house at the top of a hill

. There is a man walking up the hill, a man walking down the hill, and a man at the whore house. What are their nationalities? The man walking up the hill --he's Russian, the man walking down the hill -- he's Finnish, the man at the whore house -- Himalayan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl1eoa/theres_a_whore_house_at_the_top_of_a_hill/
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What's a priest's favourite musical note...

...C Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl1bwp/whats_a_priests_favourite_musical_note/
%
Professor X: And what exactly is your mutant power?

I whisper, *its not very good* in his left ear, but he hears it in his right ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl1att/professor_x_and_what_exactly_is_your_mutant_power/
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How do you know you're at a gay BBQ?

All the hotdogs taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl1at3/how_do_you_know_youre_at_a_gay_bbq/
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Q: What do capitalism and communism have in common

A: Starving poor people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl19tr/q_what_do_capitalism_and_communism_have_in_common/
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An old man tells his wife he is going to the pharmacy to buy some viagra

, telling her “I want some action tonight”
His wife tells him she wants to go to the pharmacy with him, saying  “Well if you’re going to the pharmacy, I might as well go with you and get a tetanus shot”
The old man asks, “why do you need a tetanus shot?”
She replies “well I’m going to need one if you want to stick that rusty old thing in me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl18hu/an_old_man_tells_his_wife_he_is_going_to_the/
%
A man gets pulled over by the cops, but rather than a ticket, the cop approaches him with a check...

"Congratulations!" The cop says, handing him the check "You're the one millionth driver to pass by our checkpoint. What are you going to do with your winnings?"
"Probably get my license" The man says
"Don't listen him to him! he's drunk!" Says the wife
"Heh?" Says the man's mother who just woke up in the back seat, -
\-"Damnit I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At which point there was a knocking sound from the boot:
"The car stopped ese! Are we over the border now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl13cg/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_the_cops_but_rather/
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Why can't any of 7 Dwarfs drink alcohol?

They're miners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl10x8/why_cant_any_of_7_dwarfs_drink_alcohol/
%
I haven’t lost my virginity

Because I never lose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl0vn3/i_havent_lost_my_virginity/
%
If life gives you melons

Ur dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl0u8k/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
What do pandas drink?

Bambooze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl0q5b/what_do_pandas_drink/
%
Where do pirates get their hooks?

Nowhere in particular, but mostly secondhand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl0noq/where_do_pirates_get_their_hooks/
%
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl0ec2/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.
One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"
"What if he comes back while I'm there?" I ask.
"Oh he won't, don't worry."
"Yeah, but what if he does?" (I'm not the one to take any stupid chances at my age.)
"I'm sure he won't, but if he does, you just start cleaning the windows. I'll tell him you're from the cleaning company. Anyways he keeps complaining about how his mom keeps their house cleaner than I ever could. I'll just tell him it was meant to be a surprise for him. He won't suspect a thing."
It sounds like a brilliant plan! I tell myself "Man! She's not only smoking hot, she's also smart!... and she wants ME!"
So, I show up next Sunday and just my luck, the dude comes back within minutes, saying his client cancelled on him. I silently thank her for suggesting an easy way out in advance and immediately get to cleaning the windows. Seeing him giving inquisitive glances towards me, Joyce comes to my rescue. Explains how she wanted to surprise him with a sparkling house.
He starts complaining (like she had told me already) how she's useless and now she's wasting money hiring a cleaning company. She says there was a promotion going on and she apparently got a great deal. Man! The woman can think on her feet!
He finally calmed down, and gets on my case. Micromanaging every bit of the cleaning. Gets me to clean their windows, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, garage, attic… makes me mop, vacuum, do the laundry. I didn't complain once. In fact to make it look more convincing I put in some extra effort. A lot of extra effort.
Finally after six hours of back-breaking work, (the house was filthy by the way) it seems there's nothing left to clean. He calls out to Joyce and asks how much he needs to pay me. She says she's already paid in advance to my office. So the husband tips me a twenty. I thank him and leave. Quietly thanking my luck.. Man what a close save!
Joyce has blocked me on Facebook since the incident. I think it's a smart move, why take another risk?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl0d1q/im_a_middle_aged_man_i_have_many_friends_on/
%
Who is bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger Jr?

Mr. Bigger Jr, because he is a little bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl0cgf/who_is_bigger_mr_bigger_or_mr_bigger_jr/
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Finally got my book on wrist watches.

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl09uf/finally_got_my_book_on_wrist_watches/
%
My girlfriend used to be my first priority

But she dumped me for my sister.
I can never seem to keep my priorities straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl093w/my_girlfriend_used_to_be_my_first_priority/
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What do you call the rocks you use to stone gay people?

Fruity pebbles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl07bw/what_do_you_call_the_rocks_you_use_to_stone_gay/
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I just bought one of those real life sex dolls. You wouldn't believe how real it seems.

So real that it just wants to be friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cl00p0/i_just_bought_one_of_those_real_life_sex_dolls/
%
How can dogs float in water?

Because they're good buoys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckzu6s/how_can_dogs_float_in_water/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

And then a chair, and then a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckzrh9/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A husband comes home after work.

When he walk into the house, he shouts, “Honey! I got you some aspirin!”
The wife shouts back,
“But I don’t have a headache!”
The husband responds,
“Well lets have sex”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckzpqa/a_husband_comes_home_after_work/
%
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

She hugged me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckzlpz/i_told_my_wife_to_embrace_her_mistakes/
%
What do you call a group of depressed teens?

A hangout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckzksr/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_depressed_teens/
%
What do you get when you drop a nuclear bomb over Paris?

French fries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckzf01/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_nuclear_bomb_over/
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Hickory dickory dock

Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
And the other two escaped with minor injuries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckzea4/hickory_dickory_dock/
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Why were the Kardashians banned from the beach?

Because there is already too much plastic in the ocean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckzea2/why_were_the_kardashians_banned_from_the_beach/
%
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckz6dg/how_do_you_know_when_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
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What’s a Mexican’s favorite sport?

Cross country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckz4b5/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
%
From Radio Yerevan (Old Soviet Joke): Q."We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon. What then is a horizon?"

A." Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckz1u3/from_radio_yerevan_old_soviet_joke_qwe_are_told/
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What do you call a philosophical pirate

Arrristotle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckz1of/what_do_you_call_a_philosophical_pirate/
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The athiest lost a lot of self esteem when someone said he looked just like Jesus.

He just didn't believe in himself anymore.
(Reposted because the first time I put "Jessus" and that just makes it seem like an atheist lost his confidence because someone said he looked like a mexican and that just doesn't make sense)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckyyac/the_athiest_lost_a_lot_of_self_esteem_when/
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How do you greet someone with Parkinson's?

What's shakin'?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckyxxo/how_do_you_greet_someone_with_parkinsons/
%
A paedophile, a rapist, a cheat, and a liar walk in to a bar...

Bartender says: What can I get for you Mr. President?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckyqhs/a_paedophile_a_rapist_a_cheat_and_a_liar_walk_in/
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What’s the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckym0n/whats_the_difference_between_humans_and_a_bullet/
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I wedged a philosophy book between my butt cheeks

Now I have a wisecrack in any situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckyk0y/i_wedged_a_philosophy_book_between_my_butt_cheeks/
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You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling?

Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckyiez/you_know_how_when_your_mouth_waters_when_someones/
%
I don’t understand Area 51 memes

There so alien to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckyht0/i_dont_understand_area_51_memes/
%
To be vegan...

Is a huge missed-steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckyg6c/to_be_vegan/
%
Why did the waiter quit his job?

He had a lot on his plate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckyeok/why_did_the_waiter_quit_his_job/
%
What do you call a witty person in a wheel chair?

A quipple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cky7c9/what_do_you_call_a_witty_person_in_a_wheel_chair/
%
Why can't antivaxxers be snipers?

Because they won't take the shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cky2u3/why_cant_antivaxxers_be_snipers/
%
I was caught stealing a rainbow once

Ended up getting thrown in prism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cky10b/i_was_caught_stealing_a_rainbow_once/
%
What do you call a fruit who's afraid of commitment?

A can't-elope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cky098/what_do_you_call_a_fruit_whos_afraid_of_commitment/
%
Who is bigger, Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's kid?

The kid because he is a little Bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxxy6/who_is_bigger_mrs_bigger_or_mrs_biggers_kid/
%
I was at the Australian embassy and they asked "Do you have a criminal record?"

"No," I answered. "Is that still required?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxwdm/i_was_at_the_australian_embassy_and_they_asked_do/
%
Yew know I could think of a lot of tree puns....

But youd probably get sycamore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxq47/yew_know_i_could_think_of_a_lot_of_tree_puns/
%
I attacked the people who robbed me the other day

Ive never seen girl scouts run so fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxo2e/i_attacked_the_people_who_robbed_me_the_other_day/
%
My dog took a byte out of my hard drive

Now it's in bits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxll2/my_dog_took_a_byte_out_of_my_hard_drive/
%
How can you tell if someone is rich in America

When the verdict comes back not guilty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxlaa/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_rich_in_america/
%
Ive been coming up with unemployment jokes

But they could use some work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxkxs/ive_been_coming_up_with_unemployment_jokes/
%
Self-depricating humor is the best kind of humor...

Except when I do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxknp/selfdepricating_humor_is_the_best_kind_of_humor/
%
I spanked a picture of Dwayne Johnson's butt

Then I knew I hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxjom/i_spanked_a_picture_of_dwayne_johnsons_butt/
%
Crap! It's the GMO inspectors!

Act natural!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxi00/crap_its_the_gmo_inspectors/
%
People say that dancing is like fucking.

They say people dance like they fuck.
Which is completely false for me, because I can dance for more than 30 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxgs8/people_say_that_dancing_is_like_fucking/
%
Guy walks into a bar

And orders 6 shots, and drinks them one after the other
Bartender says "what's the occasion?"
Guy says " my first blowjob"
Bartender "in that case let me buy you another"
Guy " if the first 6 don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another would help"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxgo1/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I did twelve push-ups today.

I could've done more, but that's how many came in the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxg15/i_did_twelve_pushups_today/
%
Me: My friend reminds me of Gandhi.

My wife: He looks nothing like Gandhi!
My friend, tapping me on the shoulder: Don’t forget about Gandhi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxeog/me_my_friend_reminds_me_of_gandhi/
%
I sold my vacuum the other day

All it was doing was collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxe9y/i_sold_my_vacuum_the_other_day/
%
What do you call it when a yellow jacket has inflammation of the liver?

Hepatitis Bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxe18/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_yellow_jacket_has/
%
Why do cats love programmers?

Because one of their hand always smells like mouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckxd3u/why_do_cats_love_programmers/
%
A guy named John Asshole goes to the courthouse change his name

The judge asks him: "What's your name?"
John was a ashamed of saying it out loud so he wrote his name down and passed it to the judge
The judge holds his laugh and asks him "Well, obviously your name must be changed. What name do you prefer to be called from now on, sir?"
"Mark Asshole"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckx8w9/a_guy_named_john_asshole_goes_to_the_courthouse/
%
Will people please stop calling me a hypochondriac!?

I'm sick of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckx7g4/will_people_please_stop_calling_me_a_hypochondriac/
%
Today, a person from Finland has died.

Some say his life was Finnish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckx6pf/today_a_person_from_finland_has_died/
%
I found an enormous ravine filled with so many precious metals, I climaxed.

It was a huge ore chasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckx3m4/i_found_an_enormous_ravine_filled_with_so_many/
%
Why was the chiropractor a good interrogator?

He always got the suspect to crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckwy57/why_was_the_chiropractor_a_good_interrogator/
%
I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckwv9i/i_told_my_son_to_stop_playing_russian_roulette/
%
Apparently there’s a new trend where men have been putting jewelry on their testicles

I’ve heard they’re pretty nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckwsvu/apparently_theres_a_new_trend_where_men_have_been/
%
There's big penises and there's small penises, but the best penis of all...

Is happenis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckwjn6/theres_big_penises_and_theres_small_penises_but/
%
If 9/10 people suffer from diarrhea,

Does that mean that 1/10 people enjoy it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckwhvr/if_910_people_suffer_from_diarrhea/
%
A border custom officer saw a suspicious truck at the check post.

The officer immediately asked the Truck driver to bring the truck aside for a complete check up.
"Are you smuggling something?" asked the officer to the truck driver. "It would be wise if you told me before we found something."
"Nope," said the truck driver casually. And he was right. The officer didn't find a single thing in the truck. It was completely empty. The officer let the driver go, but he was still suspicious.
Few days later, the officer saw the same driver at the check post. The officer immediately pulled the truck aside and this time, asked other officers to thoroughly check the truck. "Remove seat covers if you have to. And bring in every drug sniffing dog we have," he said staring menacingly at the truck driver. "I'm sure he is smuggling something."
"Go at it. I'll wait," said the truck driver as he took out a cigarette.  After an hour of thorough search, the custom officer couldn't find anything.
"I know you are smuggling something, and one day, I will find it!" he said to the driver. The driver smiled and drove away with the truck.
Few days later, the Officer saw the same driver at the check post and asked him to pull the truck aside. This time, he had reinforcements and asked them to pull the truck apart, every screw, every nut, and find what the driver is hiding.
"Fine" said the driver to the officer's frustration. They disassembled the truck, removed the engine, checked every nook and cranny, and every hollow pipe. The officer relentless looked for two days in the truck but couldn't find anything.
Exhausted, frustrated, and defeated, the officer went to the driver. "I know you are smuggling something. Can you please tell me what it is? I promise i won't arrest you if you tell me. I even promise not to arrest you in the future. But for god's sake tell me what you are smuggling. This is keeping up at nights and I think I will go mad if I don't find out."
The driver sees the frustration and desperateness in the officer's eyes. "Okay" He said.
The Officer's eyes light up. "I knew it! I knew it! Tell me,"
"You promise you won't arrest me?" asked the driver.
"Yes yes yes! for fuck sake! I won't. Now tell me! What are you smuggling?"
"Trucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckwf7q/a_border_custom_officer_saw_a_suspicious_truck_at/
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Why didn’t Logan Paul high five RiceGum

He always leaves Asians hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckw848/why_didnt_logan_paul_high_five_ricegum/
%
Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckw3l2/why_do_ducks_have_tail_feathers/
%
Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvvmm/fastest_way_to_stop_an_argument_between_a_bunch/
%
You know what they say to guys who have big feet...

“We don’t carry that size, try online.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvtkq/you_know_what_they_say_to_guys_who_have_big_feet/
%
What do cats have for dessert?

Mice Crispies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvrw0/what_do_cats_have_for_dessert/
%
A salesman told me to buy a different deer hunting rifle

He told me it was a better bang for your buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvru4/a_salesman_told_me_to_buy_a_different_deer/
%
Why should you never ask Rick Astley to borrow his complete collection of Pixar Movies?

Because he's never gonna give you 'Up'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvr17/why_should_you_never_ask_rick_astley_to_borrow/
%
How does a Pokemon trainer respond to depression?

With an escape rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvqlt/how_does_a_pokemon_trainer_respond_to_depression/
%
I can’t believe you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex," my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”
“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvoh5/i_cant_believe_youve_been_visiting_prostitutes/
%
What do you get if you cross a disabled octopus with my ex wife?

A five legged slut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvn92/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_disabled_octopus/
%
So my wife struts around in this newly purchased denim skirt

She asks me “does this skirt make my ass look big?”
“No, I think it’s all that shit you eat that makes your ass look big”
True story BYW - yes I am now divorced..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvm59/so_my_wife_struts_around_in_this_newly_purchased/
%
A very layered joke told by Ricky Gervais on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee

A Holocaust survivor dies of old age,  goes to Heaven, and meets God. He then tells God a Holocaust joke to which God replies, "That's not funny." The survivor responds, "Well, I guess you had to have been there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvl3q/a_very_layered_joke_told_by_ricky_gervais_on/
%
An Englishman, Scottish man And Irish man are being sent to prison for life

But the judge says as a small act of kindness you can each take one item to prison with you to make it a little more bearable.
In Prison they show each other what they got.
The Englishman “I got these fine cigars so I can spend the evening smoking and thinking”
The Scottish man “I got this fine scotch so at end of every evening I can drink to the day”
The Irishman “I got this box of tampons”
The other two “Why??”
The Irishman “Because it says on the box with these I can go swimming, Roller skating and play sports”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvk2n/an_englishman_scottish_man_and_irish_man_are/
%
Stopped two kidnappings today with this technique...

Self-Control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvi1b/stopped_two_kidnappings_today_with_this_technique/
%
Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal
In november 2006 at 4:19 pm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvhaf/having_too_much_sex_can_cause_memory_loss/
%
There's a term for Presidents like Trump.

Probably not two though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvh14/theres_a_term_for_presidents_like_trump/
%
Why are pirates such good singers?

They hit the high c's...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvgk4/why_are_pirates_such_good_singers/
%
Genders are like the Twin Towers.

There used to be 2, but now it’s a touchy subject.
Sorry for The kinda dark joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckved9/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
What do Giants and Strippers have in common?

Grinding men’s bones to make their bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckvdmu/what_do_giants_and_strippers_have_in_common/
%
I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckv4ib/i_hate_those_drivers_that_try_to_overtake_you_on/
%
I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman’s body

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckv3kr/i_used_to_feel_like_a_man_trapped_inside_a_womans/
%
What is the best way to make friends quickly?

Tell women you love them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckv2p1/what_is_the_best_way_to_make_friends_quickly/
%
How many South American’s does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckuw35/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A wife in bed with her lover when she hears her husbands key in the door

“ stay where you are” she said.“ he’s so drunk he won’t even notice your in bed with me”
The husband crawls up into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he sees six feet at the edge of the bed.
He turned to his wife:” hey, there are six feet in this bed, there should only be four, what’s going on?
“ You’re  so  drunk you miscounted” said the wife. “Get out the bed and try again you can see better from over there.”
The husband climbed out of bed and counted.
One, two,three, four. Damn you’re right!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckuswd/a_wife_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_hears_her/
%
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...
He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...
She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...
She goes home to her husband and says, "A guy at the bar told me he was gonna make my nipples hard"...
He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk out the door...
She grabs him by the arm, and says, "He also said he was gonna turn me upside down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...
Her husband turns around and walks back into the house...
She yells, "Where are you going"...?
He says, "I ain't fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer" !!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckuows/a_guy_goes_up_to_a_woman_in_a_bar_and_says_im/
%
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckunzf/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
%
So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckujht/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
%
Bob moved to Australia and started working as a train driver.

So he worked as a train driver. One day, he crashed the train and all the passengers died, so he was sentenced to death. On his last meal, Bob asked the guards for a banana. However when he was put onto the electric chair, the chair didn't work, so he got released.
So Bob was released, and continued working as a train driver. One day, again, he crashed the train and was sentenced to death. On his last meal, Bob asked the guards for a banana. However when he was put onto the electric chair, the chair didn't work, so he got released.
So Bob was released, and he still continues working as a train driver. One day, somehow, he manages to crash the train again and was sentenced to death. On his last meal, Bob asked the guards for a banana. Upon hearing a banana, the guards started discussing.
"Maybe because he asked for a banana, the electric chair didn't work! Think about it, everytime he asks for a banana, the chair does not work."
Bob over heard their conversation and said, "Nah man it is not the banana, I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckuhto/bob_moved_to_australia_and_started_working_as_a/
%
What's a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckug1w/whats_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Virginity Test

Son : Dad,I want to marry, how can I know if my wife is a virgin?
Dad : Do virginity test..
Son : What do you mean?
Dad : Buy a red and blue paint
Son : How can that help?
Dad : Paint your left ball with the blue paint,and your right ball with the red paint,when you want to have sex,remove your underwear;
If she says , "I've never seen strange balls like these in my life, that means she's not a Virgin.. Case closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cku7pc/virginity_test/
%
The Chinese banned E for a day

For 24 hours everything was Mad in China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cku2ko/the_chinese_banned_e_for_a_day/
%
One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies..

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair.
I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got his problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said..........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cktxai/one_day_in_the_future_donald_trump_has_a/
%
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckttz3/i_said_to_the_gym_instructor_can_you_teach_me_to/
%
My blind girlfriend remarked at how big my genital is

She must’ve been pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cktt5u/my_blind_girlfriend_remarked_at_how_big_my/
%
Like my Dad used to say to me "One man’s trash is another man’s treasure"

Wonderful saying but a terrible way to find out you were adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cktsvl/like_my_dad_used_to_say_to_me_one_mans_trash_is/
%
What do you call a whorehouse on Krypton?

Broth-El.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cktn79/what_do_you_call_a_whorehouse_on_krypton/
%
How do coke dealers meet women?

Pickup lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cktkzf/how_do_coke_dealers_meet_women/
%
How should a farmer dress so he won't get attacked by his chickens?

Impeccably.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckt8v3/how_should_a_farmer_dress_so_he_wont_get_attacked/
%
Earlier today I saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall...

...as he turned and sneered at me I thought to myself 'that's a little condescending'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckt1tl/earlier_today_i_saw_a_dwarf_prisoner_climbing/
%
Blonde girl in a car crash.

Says to the paramedic, I think I have concussion! Paramedic asks,
"How many fingers have I got up?" Blonde replies,
"Oh god my Pussy's paralysed too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckss2q/blonde_girl_in_a_car_crash/
%
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in court getting a divorce

The judge turns to Mickey and says "So you are filing for divorce on the grounds that Minnie is crazy?"
Mickey replies "I never said she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckspbo/mickey_and_minnie_mouse_are_in_court_getting_a/
%
Son "What happens when you die?"

Dad "Nothing. Death is the end. There is nothing beyond."
Son "No, I mean what happens when YOU die? Do I get your house and car?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckso7x/son_what_happens_when_you_die/
%
How do you milk a sheep?

Just put an Apple logo on your product.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cksks2/how_do_you_milk_a_sheep/
%
A lot of people misuse the word "chivalry"

I looked up the code of chivalry, and there's only one part of in there about respecting women. The rest of it is mediaeval battle etiquette.
A week ago I didn't hold the door open for a lady and she said, "I guess chivalry is dead". So I challenege her to physical combat.
Turns out I'm the better jouster. Chivarly is alive, but that woman is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckskc6/a_lot_of_people_misuse_the_word_chivalry/
%
My wife is the least technical person in the world, so when she told me she had finished installing Java, I was astounded.

Until she held up her empty coffee cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cksh2n/my_wife_is_the_least_technical_person_in_the/
%
What did the coniferous tree say to the deciduous tree?

I've been pining for you all winter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cksg7m/what_did_the_coniferous_tree_say_to_the_deciduous/
%
What is it called when a person murders his own fellow gangmember?

A homiecide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cksdcc/what_is_it_called_when_a_person_murders_his_own/
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Every day, thousands of people come into this country and begin draining our resources. They don’t pay taxes, have no skills, and not even a basic grasp of our language.

Babies are fucking useless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cksa0n/every_day_thousands_of_people_come_into_this/
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Penguin at the bar

A guy walks into a pub. He orders a pint at the bar and looks around the place. Suddenly, he noticed a penguin in a corner, reading a newspaper. The penguin then downs a pint next to him and leaves. The guy's so shocked he couldn't do anything. He runs to the bartender and goes:-What the hell was that?!
\-Oh that's just a penguin. He works as a glazier on a nearby construction site. He comes here everyday after work to have his pint and read the newspaper.
\-Mate, I'm a circus owner. I NEED THIS PENGUIN! However much he costs, this is incredible!
\-Just come back tomorrow and talk to him. He finishes work at 5.
So the guy comes back the next day and immidietaly goes to talk to the penguin.
\-You need to come work for me! I'm a circus owner, I'll pay you anything you want!
\-A circus owner? Like, a big linen tent?
\-Yeah, we have animals and all sorts of peculiarities. Just name the price!
\-Hold on. Like, a big linen tent on metal poles?
\-Yes, yes. Are you intersted?
\-Sure, I can work for you. But why the hell would you need a glazier?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cks3a8/penguin_at_the_bar/
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Why are most laundromat owners feminists?

So they can deter gents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cks1mu/why_are_most_laundromat_owners_feminists/
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To err is human

To arr is pirate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cks0pj/to_err_is_human/
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This baby polar bear is walking around on the glaciers with his mom...

...and he asks her “mom, am I 100% polar bear?”  Mom is taken back a bit, but reassures him “my parents and my parents parents were 100% polar bear, so you are also”.
The baby finds his dad devouring a seal and asks him “dad am I 100% polar bear?”  Dad is taken back a bit, but reassures him “my parents and my parents parents were 100% polar bear,  I know your mother’s 100% polar bear, so you are also”.   Why do you ask?
Baby bear looks up and says, “because I’m fucking  freezing out here”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckryea/this_baby_polar_bear_is_walking_around_on_the/
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An elderly couple are having breakfast together one morning. The wife, fanning herself, looks longingly across the table at her husband and says, “Shew-WEE! Eugene, I’m still just as hot for you right now as I was the day we married.”

Eugene rolls his eyes and says, “Ethel! One of yer tits is in yer coffee, and the othern’s in yer oatmeal!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckry59/an_elderly_couple_are_having_breakfast_together/
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idiot

Working in a bank is a very ungrateful job. A lady asks me to check her balance so I push her over. They fired me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckrvni/idiot/
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My girlfriend was really dry the other day. She said...

Talk to the hand, because the pussy ain't glistening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckrpkr/my_girlfriend_was_really_dry_the_other_day_she/
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What do you call the space between a pair of fake breasts?

Silicon Valley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckrpam/what_do_you_call_the_space_between_a_pair_of_fake/
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I was shipwrecked on an island and now I'm trying to contact The Police

I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckrotb/i_was_shipwrecked_on_an_island_and_now_im_trying/
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While most puns make me feel numb...

Mathematics puns make feel number...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckrno9/while_most_puns_make_me_feel_numb/
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Subreddits are like soulmates.

The perfect community for you is out there somewhere but you sure as hell aren't gonna find it in your lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckrnj7/subreddits_are_like_soulmates/
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3 Pilots & The Cannibals

Story time lads, once upon a time, there were 3 pilots stranded in the middle of nowhere in a jungle.All of them were somehow caught by a cannibal tribe.Those pilots were very scared that they'd be eaten by the cannibals.They begged for their life to be spared.They cried, screamed asking for mercy.Suddenly, the tribe chief  said that he'll give them a chance to live, but on one condition.The pilots were required to bring back 10 fruits of same type in 3 hours.The first pilot, came back at the first hour with 10 apples.
"Well done, now stuff all those apples into your arsehole.If you managed to put them all in without making any noise or cries, I will let you go.However, if you fail, I will definitely kill you", said the tribe chief.
The pilot tried his hardest, but while he tried to put the second apple, he screamed for he cannot bear the pain.Therefore, he was slain by the tribe chief and went to heaven.
The second pilot, came back half an hour after the first pilot bringing 10 grapes.He was ordered with the exact same order as the first one by the chief.
He did better than the first pilot, but when he's stuffing the eighth fruit, he suddenly laughed.He too, was slain by the chief and went to heaven.
In heaven, the first pilot and the second one meets and they had a conversation.
The second pilot assuming that their final task was the same, asked the first pilot what fruit did he bring.
"Apples, but I was killed when I screamed at my second try, how bout you?"replied the first pilot.
"I brought grapes.But, I laughed at the eighth try, so here I am"said the second pilot.
"WHAT THE FUCK, THAT SHOULD BE EASIER THAN MINE SINCE IT'S SMALLER.WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LAUGHED, YOU DUMBASS?"shouted the first pilot.
"I can't help it.I saw our another fellow bringing jackfruits."said the second pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckrlzh/3_pilots_the_cannibals/
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So 4 Nuns die and go to the heaven...

They are met by the god himself at the pearly gates...
Looking at them the god says, "you have spent your entire life doing my work and spreading my message and therefore you may enter the gates of heaven, but before you do that, you must tell me right now if you have ever committed a sin in your life. If you have sinned then confess right now and all will be forgiven."
Hearing this the first nun comes forward and says, "I have stayed my whole life away from any kind temptations but once in my life I saw our priest's dick."
God pointing towards a bucket filled with water says, "No worries my child. But this sin was committed by your eyes. So here is some holy water. Wash your eyes with this and you may enter the heaven."
Nun does the same and suddenly the door opens and she enters the heaven.
Seeing this, the second nun comes forward and says, "My lord, just like the first nun even I have spent my whole life staying away from any kind of temptations but once in the church I had touched our priest's dick."
God once again pointing towards the same bucket, "No worries my child. This sin was committed by your hands. So you must Wash your hands with this holy water and then you may enter the heaven."
Once again the Nun washes her hands and suddenly the door opens and she goes in.
Meanwhile the god sees other two nuns bickering over something and asks them what all this commotion was about.
Suddenly the fourth nun in the line says, "Nothing my lord. I was just making it clear to the third nun that if she washes her ass with this water, I won't be gargling with it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckrd3e/so_4_nuns_die_and_go_to_the_heaven/
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I got an unexpected call at work today.

I was at my desk when my phone started ringing. I was expecting an important call, but was a bit confused when it was a woman's voice I didn't recognize. "Hello? It's Cindy, from the club," she said.
I told her, "Sorry, I don't remember a Cindy."
"Remember, you called me a good sport?" she insisted.
"Oh, geez, yeah hey Cindy!" I awkwardly spat out as I sort-of remembered that night, weeks ago. "You know, this is my work phone, I'm not supposed to take personal calls. I mean, how'd you even get this num-"
"Well I'm calling to explain," she interrupted. "I'm pregnant! And it's definitely yours, and if you don't marry me," she sobbed, "I'm going to take my own life and the child's!"
"Wow Cindy..." I said, "You really are a good sport!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckrbnn/i_got_an_unexpected_call_at_work_today/
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Masturbating too much leads to two things

Loss of memory and something else…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckrarm/masturbating_too_much_leads_to_two_things/
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I recently got water in my ear while swimming

The feeling was quite ear-ittating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckr65x/i_recently_got_water_in_my_ear_while_swimming/
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Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckr4b3/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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A husband comes home after a week long trip.

He tells his wife "I want you so much after this trip"
He brings her to their bed and they have loud sex all night long.
At some point, the neighbor bang on the wall and screams "Shut up ! It's been 8 days like that, I can't take it anymore !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckr22l/a_husband_comes_home_after_a_week_long_trip/
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My wife left her bra on the floor of our bedroom. It almost killed me when I tripped over it this morning.

Stupid boobie traps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckqz5v/my_wife_left_her_bra_on_the_floor_of_our_bedroom/
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A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.
They   get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she   notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with   soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom,   with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed   in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken   quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched   by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There   were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears   covering the length of the middle shelf,and huge, enormous bears running   all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously   masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is   quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him.
They   share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she   finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!   Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’
She  turns to  him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly.  They  continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts  her in  his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off  each  other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She  is so overwhelmed  that she responds with more passion, more  creativity, more heat than she  has ever known. After an intense,  explosive night of raw passion with  this sensitive guy, they are lying  there together in the afterglow. The  woman rolls over, gently strokes  his chest and asks coyly,
"Well,how was it?’
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckqwx0/a_woman_meets_syd_the_stud_in_a_bar/
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Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckqwla/guy_goes_into_a_bar/
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Young Virgin Couple

A  young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the   impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other   about it.
Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
"Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"Now what do I do?" he asks.
His   father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part  of  your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckqwap/young_virgin_couple/
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A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office.
"Will you have sex with me?" he asks.
"No. My husband wouldn't approve."
"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"
"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."
So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they had wild sex on the table, there and then.
In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught:
"Was my best friend here today?"
"Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern.
"And did he leave $1000?"
"Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst.
"Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckqvyw/a_man_approaches_his_best_friends_wife_one_day/
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Found in a bathroom stall...

I hate to shock you on the throne,
But you're not in this stall alone,
There's no use standing on the seat,
The crabs in here can jump six feet,
Now you might think that's pretty high,
But in the next stall, the bastards fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckqqao/found_in_a_bathroom_stall/
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How much coke did Charlie Sheen snort?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckql2g/how_much_coke_did_charlie_sheen_snort/
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What element tastes the best?

Tungsten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckqkkg/what_element_tastes_the_best/
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I went to an Indian restaurant last night

They had phenomenal flatbread, and I asked the owner if there was any chance he could give me the recipe. He said yes, under one condition, then had me sign a naan-disclosure agreement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckqkah/i_went_to_an_indian_restaurant_last_night/
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Did you hear about the OCD adulterer?

It was a sorted affair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckqimm/did_you_hear_about_the_ocd_adulterer/
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What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well hung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckqhj7/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_with_fat_fingers/
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Which is heavier: a liter of water or a liter of butane?

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckqema/which_is_heavier_a_liter_of_water_or_a_liter_of/
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What does nail polish and panties have in common.

They both come off with alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckqay3/what_does_nail_polish_and_panties_have_in_common/
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A man is walking in a storm, alone and lost. He then comes upon a Monastery.

Having no place to go, the poor man approaches the wooden desolate door of the old Monastery and knocks upon the door. The door opens to a rather withered old Monk, who greets the man. “I am the Head Monk of this monastery. Can I help you?” The man asks for refuge overnight and is taken up into the guest bedroom for the night.
During the night, the man decides to take a walk around the monastery to pass the time. He comes across a old, degraded wooden door, surrounded by golden material on the hinges. He attempts to open the door but, unfortunately he fails. He goes back to sleep and in the morning, asks the head monk what was in the door. The head monk states:
“Sorry, only monks are allowed to know what is within that door. I apologise.”
The man replies with “Alright, how do I become a monk then?” To which the Head Monk replies with
“You must count every grain of sand on the mainland of Albion, aswell as every pebble. Then you must come back to me.”
The young trainee monk heads out on his quest to be a monk, spending over 20 years counting every grain of sand he comes across and then every pebble in a painstaking journey which nearly costs him his sanity. Throughout his entire journey, the image of that door rests solely on his mind, until he returns to the Monastery and tells the Head Monk his findings.
“Very good, disciple. You are now a monk. Here is the key to the door.”
The man is handed a wooden key, which remarkably fits into the door and it opens, revealing...
A silver door. He returns to the Head Monk, who then gives him a silver key. Upon unlocking the silver door, he is greeted by...
A golden door. He groans and returns to the head monk, who gives him the golden key. He returns and opens the golden door, only to find...
A ruby door. He goes to the monk, and screams “How many doors are left! I’m sick of this!”
“It’s ok, this is the last one I promise.” He hands him a ruby encrusted key, one of the finest vintage. The newly made monk returns to the ruby door and opens the hallowed door. He gazes in absolute awe at the sight he came across. It was a sight of which nobody would’ve ever imagined they’d see in their life. You know what it was?
I can’t tell you because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckq8lw/a_man_is_walking_in_a_storm_alone_and_lost_he/
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Professor X: What’s your superpower?Me: Hindsight Professor X: That’s not going to help us

Me: Yes, I see that now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckq46c/professor_x_whats_your_superpowerme_hindsight/
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I learned today that I'm colorblind

This was a surprise, it really came out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckq21b/i_learned_today_that_im_colorblind/
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Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?

He wanted to get a long little doggy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckpzyo/why_did_the_cowboy_get_a_dachshund/
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Be very careful if someone offers you fries, gravy, and cheese curds with raspberries on top.

I’ve heard of people trying to poison raspoutine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckprd5/be_very_careful_if_someone_offers_you_fries_gravy/
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Why didn’t Obi Wan share any Budweisers with Anakin?

Because Anakin didn’t spare any Yuenglings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckpqpd/why_didnt_obi_wan_share_any_budweisers_with_anakin/
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I have a solar fetish.

It makes me hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckpkix/i_have_a_solar_fetish/
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What do I have in common with lesbians?

Straight women won’t date either of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckpfep/what_do_i_have_in_common_with_lesbians/
%
Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckpbr2/some_asshole_knocked_on_my_door_today_telling_me/
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Did you know that the human cannonball circus act has a mortality rate of about 50%?

The other half didn't fare much better. They were all fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckpagd/did_you_know_that_the_human_cannonball_circus_act/
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My wife bet me that I wouldn’t dare give our daughter a silly name.

So I decided to call her Bluff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckp5dn/my_wife_bet_me_that_i_wouldnt_dare_give_our/
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If you see a robbery at an Apple store...

Does that make you an iWitness?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckp4yu/if_you_see_a_robbery_at_an_apple_store/
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I bought a Thesaurus, and when I got home I found that all of the pages were blank!

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckp4lo/i_bought_a_thesaurus_and_when_i_got_home_i_found/
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity...

I can't put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckp461/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
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What do you call a group of 8th grade boys arguing about calculus?

Math debaters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckp3d0/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_8th_grade_boys/
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I had an out of body experience, but it wasn't that interesting

I was practically beside myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckp2qb/i_had_an_out_of_body_experience_but_it_wasnt_that/
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Why the salad named after Caesar?

Because you have to stab it repeatedly to finish it off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckox9f/why_the_salad_named_after_caesar/
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Salon and Fast food

The hair salon near where I live, has a special offer where you get free McDonalds whilst you wait for your color to set. . .
It's called "Eat crap & dye".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckovup/salon_and_fast_food/
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The CEO of a reclining chair company was fired today...

He was just too laid back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckons3/the_ceo_of_a_reclining_chair_company_was_fired/
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My wife told me I had to stop doing flamingo impressions.

I had to put my foot down.
Not sure if this is old or not, credit to colleague at work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckomkp/my_wife_told_me_i_had_to_stop_doing_flamingo/
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A blonde is doing a crossword puzzle...

"What's a 7-letter word for 'easily perceived or understood' that starts with 'O'?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"It should be, but I can't figure it out. That's why I'm asking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckom7c/a_blonde_is_doing_a_crossword_puzzle/
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Humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckol5v/humor_is_a_lot_like_food/
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How does a salad get ready for sex?

It starts by un*dressing* and then it outs a *condom*ent on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckokis/how_does_a_salad_get_ready_for_sex/
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Hey, is your body from the Netherlands?

cause Amsterdamnnnnnnn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckojzf/hey_is_your_body_from_the_netherlands/
%
The psychology lecture randomly picks out one of his students.

"Let's say you're the most disagreeable person in this clas-"
"No I'm not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckoj4u/the_psychology_lecture_randomly_picks_out_one_of/
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My dyslexic French friend said he owed me some money....

OUI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckoin8/my_dyslexic_french_friend_said_he_owed_me_some/
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Did you hear about the female rapper, who only battles when she's on her period?

They say she has a mean flow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckoav1/did_you_hear_about_the_female_rapper_who_only/
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I walked into my sister's room and slipped on her bra

I swear she set a booby trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckoac5/i_walked_into_my_sisters_room_and_slipped_on_her/
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I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief,

but when I got home all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cko7n6/i_didnt_know_my_dad_was_a_construction_site_thief/
%
I hate people who engage in beastiality.

They are fucking animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cko71v/i_hate_people_who_engage_in_beastiality/
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A man enters a bar and walks towards his mate

He passes two blondes and tells his mate, "Those girls really like me, as I passed them they were saying 9, 9. I'm so hot"
"They are German mate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cko0jb/a_man_enters_a_bar_and_walks_towards_his_mate/
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A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels

in the park.
He was feeding them to his dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cknn9l/a_man_was_arrested_today_for_feeding_the_squirrels/
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What’s Medusa’s favourite cheese?

Gorgonzola.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cknmsm/whats_medusas_favourite_cheese/
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TIFU: I met my girlfriend’s Scottish Dad.

Girlfriend’s Dad: So yer me daughter’s new boyfriend eye ye fucka?
Me: Well yes actually, once on the couch and one in your bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cknm1r/tifu_i_met_my_girlfriends_scottish_dad/
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My friends and I were given the death penalty

We pleaded to the judge that if we die, we die together. So instead of sending us one by one with an electric chair, they brought the electric couch.
I guess we're about to get execushioned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cknj0n/my_friends_and_i_were_given_the_death_penalty/
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Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter?

It Disney land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckn812/why_does_scottish_mickey_mouse_no_longer_use_his/
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My dad signed me up for organ donation.

He's a man after my own heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckmx85/my_dad_signed_me_up_for_organ_donation/
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I’ve spent the past few days pretending to be a Shetland pony, but I think I’m losing my voice.

I’m currently a little horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckmuhl/ive_spent_the_past_few_days_pretending_to_be_a/
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Today my cannibal friend cheated on her husband

He always had a bad taste for women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckmq0a/today_my_cannibal_friend_cheated_on_her_husband/
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Me: I’m afraid of closed roads

Therapist: no way!
*screams*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckmlcb/me_im_afraid_of_closed_roads/
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Inspired by “Vulture Culture”: two vultures are boarding a plane, one of them is dragging a dead chicken. The gate attendant stops them and says:

I’m sorry sir, but this airline does not allow carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckmk3u/inspired_by_vulture_culture_two_vultures_are/
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One day an Englishman, a Scottish and an Irishman decide to get a ship through Pacific

...but the ship sinks and they swim into a little isle. There is a cannibal people living on island. They capture three guys we told. And say "now we gonna lock you into this cage, and give you all female chimpanzees. Who makes the more kids will be released and we will eat others." to our guys. One year passed and they decide to open cages. First the Englishman gets out with two chimpanzee-humans. Then Scot comes with three. And then the Irishman gets out with only one cub with one eye, a tail and only one leg. Natives ask "You Irish are strong men in bed, how can you only make one kid which is an extreme mutant?" Irishman replies angrily "Ye bitches gave me a male chimpanzee"
Note: Translated from a Turkish joke, sorry-for-my-bad-english you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckmitj/one_day_an_englishman_a_scottish_and_an_irishman/
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One day, a guy went into a store,

just browsing. He suddenly saw a statue of a rat  made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy  it, and so he did.
The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.
He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.
As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all  the rats in the city were behind him. He suddenly realized that it was  the statue that was doing this.
He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the  statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.
The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds."
The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had  any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a politician."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckmi5t/one_day_a_guy_went_into_a_store/
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Two whales are swimming in the sea...

These two whales, we'll call them Mamma and son, were swimming in the wild blue yonder when Mamma saw a boat, she said to son "Son you keep your distance from them boats." For it was a harpoon boat, but just as they were turning around, BANG! THUD, the harpoon went right into the side of Mamma.  Down she went screaming out swim son save yourselffffffffff......
Several months later son and his girlfriend were fornicating around, when off in the distance they spotted the very same harpoon boat. Thinking of his  mother, son sort for a plan to get his revenge. Son said to his girlfriend "Girlfriend if we swim up behind them we can blow water up on to the boat and sink it." She agreed and off they went, BLOW SPURT BLOW SPURT. And down it went, then son came up with another idea, "Look at the sailors they're swimming away, we can really get them back for Mamma's death, Let's eat them up" but the girlfriend replied "Hey I helped you with the blow job, but I'm stuffed if I'm gonna swallow the seamen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckmhj3/two_whales_are_swimming_in_the_sea/
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So this blonde girl was playing in a casino, and put a quarter in a machine...

... and she gets nothing.
She put a second quarter in, she gets nothing again.
She put a third quarter in the same machine, still nothing.
She decided to give that machine one last go before she goes to another machine. She puts the quarter in, press the button, and yell: **''Yes, I won a Pepsi!!!''**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckmado/so_this_blonde_girl_was_playing_in_a_casino_and/
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I have a Polish sound engineer friend.

I also have a Czech one, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cklzwy/i_have_a_polish_sound_engineer_friend/
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Whats the difference between time and Kobe Bryant?

Time passes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckly2j/whats_the_difference_between_time_and_kobe_bryant/
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Told my wife she was drawing her eyebrow too high.

She looked suprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cklx6v/told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrow_too_high/
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What is it called when a British person takes a good look at something?

Propaganda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cklvks/what_is_it_called_when_a_british_person_takes_a/
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What's Al Qaeda's favourite football team?

The New York Jets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cklv5u/whats_al_qaedas_favourite_football_team/
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battering rams...

were a real breakthrough at the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cklfjg/battering_rams/
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What do you call a cell without change

A Nicholas Cage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cklfhg/what_do_you_call_a_cell_without_change/
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Husband says to his wife "what would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied "I'd take the half and leave you."
"great" he said,
"I won 12$, here's 6$, stay in touch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckl9jb/husband_says_to_his_wife_what_would_you_do_if_i/
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Hey girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckl2uo/hey_girl_are_you_a_newspaper/
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I'm a 40 year old with a body of a 20 year old.

Any tips on how to bury him ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckl1aa/im_a_40_year_old_with_a_body_of_a_20_year_old/
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Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears?  Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce.  In court they bring in baby bear.  The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?
"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.
"So mama bear?" asks the Judge.
"Oh no she beats me even worse than papa bear," says baby bear.
"So who would you like to live with?" the Judge asks curiously.
"My grandma bear in Chicago." says baby bear.
"Your grandma bear doesn't beat you?" asks the Judge?
"Oh no the Chicago Bears don't beat anyone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckkzmy/papa_bear_and_mama_bear_are_getting_a_divorce/
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My glasses may be fogged up, but don't worry I'll be fine.

I'm optimistic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckkmwy/my_glasses_may_be_fogged_up_but_dont_worry_ill_be/
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I'm writing a book on Impostor Syndrome!

Actually, wait a minute. Whatever made me think *I* was qualified to do that?
\*trudges off disconsolately\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckklru/im_writing_a_book_on_impostor_syndrome/
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As it's national girlfriend day (UK); Here's to our wives and girlfriends.

May they never meet.
(Yes I know this joke is older than Bob Hope)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckkdfq/as_its_national_girlfriend_day_uk_heres_to_our/
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For those of you going through constipation,

That shit is hard !
But don't give up, it'll get through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckkc6d/for_those_of_you_going_through_constipation/
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Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**
Your Turn :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckk8as/add_a_word_to_ruin_a_movie/
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What's a thots favourite bird?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckk6yo/whats_a_thots_favourite_bird/
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A man, new to town, walks into a bar and asks for three pints of Guinness, served all at once.

The bartender mentions that he might better enjoy them one at a time, so they don’t get warm, but the man tells him this story:
“You see, I’m an identical triplet, and I just moved here from my hometown. My brothers and I all agreed that every Tuesday night, we would go to the bar and order three pints of Guinness at the same time and drink them together.” The man then proceeds to drink his three pints, a sip from each at a time, until they are empty. He then heads home for the evening.
This continues for weeks, then for months, and then years, until one day, the man comes into the bar where his customary pints are waiting for him, and tells the bartender, “I’m afraid you’ll have to take one of these back tonight; it’ll just be two pints each Tuesday from now on.”
The bartender doesn’t know what to say, so he goes about his duties for a while, and then finally comes back to the man, now halfway through his two pints. Putting his hand on his shoulder, the bartender says the only thing he can think of: “I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I can’t imagine what it must be like for you to lose your brother.”
The man looks shocked, and then lets out a laugh. “Oh my goodness, I’m sorry to have worried you! My brothers are fine; I’ve converted to Mormonism! I don’t drink any more!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckk5l6/a_man_new_to_town_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for/
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What do you call it when police officers stop a uhaul truck?

Busting a move

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckk56u/what_do_you_call_it_when_police_officers_stop_a/
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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I gotta give these two a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckk3kk/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
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Nihilism is the hardest ideology to find a counter-argument for.

It's pointless to argue against it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckk2kd/nihilism_is_the_hardest_ideology_to_find_a/
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Did you hear about the boy born without eyelids? They made him new ones from his foreskin...

He was permanently cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckjxze/did_you_hear_about_the_boy_born_without_eyelids/
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Two older couple were having breakfast.

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night!
Old man 2: What's the name of it ?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower called?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. *turns to his wife* Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckjvn7/two_older_couple_were_having_breakfast/
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(OC) I would tell a joke about ziplining...

But it would go right over your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckjrb3/oc_i_would_tell_a_joke_about_ziplining/
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3 men get stranded on an island with cannibals

The cannibals hold them hostage, and tell them that they will free them if they can shove 10 of any fruit up their ass without dying, or letting any drop out. The first guy chooses apples, shoves 3 up his ass, then dies. The next guy chose blueberries. He gets 9 up, then laughs, and is killed. In heaven the 2 guys are talking and the first asks the otber why he laughed. "I saw the third guy carrying pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckjq13/3_men_get_stranded_on_an_island_with_cannibals/
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AITA for telling "Yo mama so fat" jokes to my friend

I may be overreacting but its been over a week since her funeral and hes not talking to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckj6xz/aita_for_telling_yo_mama_so_fat_jokes_to_my_friend/
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People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.

But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckj1q5/people_who_rob_jewelry_stores_and_banks_are/
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This is my step ladder

I never knew my real ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckixzn/this_is_my_step_ladder/
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What do you have when you breed an elephant with a rhino?

A horny elephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckipwq/what_do_you_have_when_you_breed_an_elephant_with/
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A man looses his thesaurus.

He searches all over his house for it. He’s double checked everywhere, but he just can’t find it. Fed up with searching, he decides to ask his family members.
His daughter loves reading books, so he decided to ask her first.
Man: Did you take my thesaurus?
Daughter: I didn’t take your thesaurus, I was just reading my favorite book. Maybe ask my brother? He always tries to reach into high cabinets, so he might have taken it to stand on.
So the man goes off and finds his son. He finds his son sitting on the couch, playing video games.
Man: Did you take my thesaurus?
Son: Of course not, I hate reading. Ask mom, she might have it.
So the man looks for his wife, but she isn’t home. He starts getting really frustrated. He decides, fuck it, I’m gonna go ask the horse.
So the man goes to the stable and finds the horse.
Man: Did you take my thesaurus?
Horse: Nope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckinhu/a_man_looses_his_thesaurus/
%
Whats a horses favorite wine?

Chardonneigh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckigj2/whats_a_horses_favorite_wine/
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If 2 vegetarians are arguing...

is it still considered beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckicj8/if_2_vegetarians_are_arguing/
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What do you call 4 Mexicans in a leaky boat?

cuatro sinko[sic]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckiaap/what_do_you_call_4_mexicans_in_a_leaky_boat/
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An atheist was hiking in the woods

When suddenly a bear appeared! The atheist was scared out of his mind and started running, but he couldn't outrun the bear!
Finally the atheist fell to his knees and did the one thing he thought he would never do: pray.
He fervently prayed "Oh God, I am about to be killed by a bear! I will never become a Christian, but please, please make this bear a Christian bear!"
After praying the atheist turned around to see if the bear stopped chasing him. To his relief, it stopped right behind him, breathing down on him. He was amazed!
But then, to his horror, the bear smacked his paws together and said "Oh Father in the heavens, thank you for this meal I am about to partake-"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cki0ha/an_atheist_was_hiking_in_the_woods/
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The Guy Who Invent Autocorrect Just Died

May he roast in piss  🙏

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckhxmy/the_guy_who_invent_autocorrect_just_died/
%
Scientists finally figured out how to create life from dust

So they went to God and presented their findings.
Scientists: We did it! We finally figured out how you made life from dirt!
God: Okay, please let me see.
So the scientists excitedly dig up some dirt on the ground put them in their machine. They were just about to push the Start button when God spoke.
God: Oh wait, hold on a minute.
Scientists: What's wrong?
God: You need to make your own dirt like I did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckhwf8/scientists_finally_figured_out_how_to_create_life/
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Three men are offered a chance to get out of Hell

One day in Hell, three men are offered to get into heaven, if they can ask God a question and make him answer incorrectly.
The first man, the smartest mathematician alive, asks God the hardest math question he has ever thought of. God being God, he answered correct.
The second man, the smartest scientist alive, asks God the hardest science question he has ever thought of. God answered correct, as he is God.
The last guy, some random dude, comes up and pokes three holes in the ground. He farts, with his butthole pointed towards the middle hole. He then asks God which hole that fart went through.
God answers, "the middle hole!"
And then the last guy responds, "wrong! It's the butthole!"
That's how he got out of Hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckhq9b/three_men_are_offered_a_chance_to_get_out_of_hell/
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A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.
"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"
And so Boris goes to America and he spends the first months in the army checking everything he can. He checks the vehicles, weapons, clothes, helmets, and anything which could tip the scale in favour of the US army. After the year has passed he goes back to Russia to report his findings.
"Look" he says. "The vehicles are old and lacking, their equipment is poor to say the least, their air force doesn't match ours and they have very poor organization. However, I have found the secret which makes them so good in the battlefield"
"What is it?!" Demands the minister. "Talk now, the whole Russia is in danger!"
"30 minutes before they enter combat, they eat 200 grams of protein" says Boris.
"Impossible!" Barks the minister. "Nobody can eat 12 kilos of potatoes in such short time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckhoe4/a_russian_spy_meets_the_minister_of_defence/
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$10,000/bullet Assassin

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay,  we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair  with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So  they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on  the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckhnyu/10000bullet_assassin/
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I just can't support this whole more than 2 genders thing.

Until they came along, I was really good at Guess Who.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckhnq2/i_just_cant_support_this_whole_more_than_2/
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What do you call a snobby prisoner going down a flight if stairs?

A condescending Con descending.
Bad pun, I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckhlz9/what_do_you_call_a_snobby_prisoner_going_down_a/
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I got a letter with my medical results today

The bad news is that i’m dyslexic, but the good news is that they found a big humor inside me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckhkri/i_got_a_letter_with_my_medical_results_today/
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"Hey, bro, I need a 50 dollar bill."

"What? Why do you need a $50?"
"I want to buy a thimble."
"A THIMBLE?? What do you need a thimble for? And since when were you into sewing anyways?
"Thewing? I need it for my drumthet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckhjj7/hey_bro_i_need_a_50_dollar_bill/
%
My wife left me because I'm too insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckhaik/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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What weighs more? A tonne of feathers or a tonne of bricks?

A tonne of feathers because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckh6ow/what_weighs_more_a_tonne_of_feathers_or_a_tonne/
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A famous French fighter pilot ace in WW1 is on a picnic at his estate with a beautiful woman after the war...

After eating and laying on the charm, he asks to kiss her.  Being quite smitten by his good looks, she happily accepts.  He drips a rich merlot on her lips and proceeds to kiss her.  After a few moments, she works up the nerve to ask “your lips are amazing, but what’s with the wine?”
He replies, “I am Pierre the fighter pilot.  When I taste red meat, I must have red wine.”
Things progress, and it turns into a full make out session.  Eventually, her blouse comes off.  He drizzles drops of a rare vintage Chardonnay on her chest and proceeds to lap them up.  After a couple minutes she coos, “You’re so talented with your tongue, but what’s with the wine?”
“I am Pierre the fighter pilot.  When I taste white meat, I must have white wine.”
At this point, she’s completely smitten with him. Their remaining clothes are coming off and they’re ready to get busy.  As she lies down, he grabs a bottle of Cognac, splashes a generous amount on her pubes, strikes a match, and FOOOOOM....  sets her crotch ablaze.  She instantly runs and jumps into the nearby lake.  She stomps out of the water, screaming “Why the F%€# did you do that?!?!??”
I am Pierre the fighter pilot.  When I go down, I go down in flames.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckh68g/a_famous_french_fighter_pilot_ace_in_ww1_is_on_a/
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A surgeon cut off the wrong leg at my hospital today!!!

The orthopedic surgeon at the local hospital I work at accidentally cut off the wrong leg of an infected diabetic patient.  After he realized he cut off the wrong leg he couldn't leave the the other infected leg attached. So he had all of the administration and attorneys meet him in the operating room.
They decided to cut off the other leg. They determined that the patient couldn't sue them because he didn't have a leg to stand on!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckh31a/a_surgeon_cut_off_the_wrong_leg_at_my_hospital/
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What's the rate of acceleration of a Boeing 737 MAX in the air?

9.81 m/s/s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckgyi2/whats_the_rate_of_acceleration_of_a_boeing_737/
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A very elderly gentleman,mid ninety's,very well dressed, hair well groomed,great suit,flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave,presenting a well looked after image,walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady,mid eighties.
The gentleman walks over,sits along side of her,orders a drink,takes a sip,turns to her and says"So tell me do I come here often?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckgvvi/a_very_elderly_gentlemanmid_ninetysvery_well/
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Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Your dog. Don't believe it? Put them both in the trunk for an hour and see which one's glad to see you when you open it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckguq1/who_loves_you_more_your_wife_or_your_dog/
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Where do pirates buy their hooks?

At a second hand store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckgqaz/where_do_pirates_buy_their_hooks/
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What's the difference between a wife and a job?

>!After five years, a job still sucks. !<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckgnvq/whats_the_difference_between_a_wife_and_a_job/
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When 7 met 9 it was a blissful union, they decided to get married

And then came the night to consume 8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckglxl/when_7_met_9_it_was_a_blissful_union_they_decided/
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A man walks into a bookstore...

...and asks the proprietor if he has any books by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
“Unfortunately, I suffer from a condition that makes me violently ill whenever I see one of his books, making me unable to carry them in my store.”
Stunned, the customer sputters, “You don’t mean...”
The store owner looks pained with regret and replies, “It’s true, I have Stock Holmes syndrome.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckgl7i/a_man_walks_into_a_bookstore/
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Why was Ed sad?

Cuz sheeran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckgjrm/why_was_ed_sad/
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Bishop and The Steak

A grumpy bishop in a hurry on his way to a ceremony stops by a small Irish town as he's weak with the hunger.
He see's a restaurant, the only place he's seen in miles that serves food. So parks up and rushes in.
A smiling waiter kindly greets him, but the bishop rushes passed to a table - snapping his order at him.
Bishop: "I want a rare steak and side plate of veg! And I'm in a rush so BLOODY hurry up!"
So the waiter keeping his cool and not saying anything decided to serve the bishop a very very rare steak instead for his rude manner.
Waiter smirking while serving says: "Here's your BLOODY steak your holiness".
The bishop picked up on the waiters attitude and insisted why he called it a "bloody" steak. Bishop: "How dare you speak to I, your holiness, in that manner!"
The waiter chirped up quickly and insisted "that's what the rare steaks were called in the area."
The bishop half ignoring him began to eat the steak then left, went about his journey and fulfilled his obligations.
Some time later in the year the bishop was passing by the small town again and decided he would love one of those juicy rare "bloody" steaks. He parked up again at the same restaurant and in he went to make his order.
The bishop notices a waiter, not the same as before approaching him.
Before the smiling new waiter can greet him the bishop rudely brushes passed him and brings himself to a table and barks out his order;
Bishop: "I want one of those "bloody" steaks!"
The waiter then looks at him disapprovingly and says "And with that bloody steak, your holiness, would you like some fucking veg?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckggnx/bishop_and_the_steak/
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If Forrest Gump ran a property management group, what would it be called?

New Tenant Dan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckg8vq/if_forrest_gump_ran_a_property_management_group/
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Deer 1 notices Deer 2 is feeling sad

Deer 1: what’s wrong
Deer 2: well my wife went to Vegas, and blew 50 bucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckg1ej/deer_1_notices_deer_2_is_feeling_sad/
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What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

Her/she!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckfyqb/what_gender_pronouns_does_a_chocolate_bar_use/
%
How should a farmer dress so he doesn't get attacked by his chickens?

Impeccably

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckfxsi/how_should_a_farmer_dress_so_he_doesnt_get/
%
Hey Ryu, can I borrow $20?

Shoryuken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckfuab/hey_ryu_can_i_borrow_20/
%
[NSFW] My Brother swallowed my SD Card

Please help me! My brother swallowed my 64GB sd card, he's been singing all the songs in it all night long, Im worried when he gets to the Videos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckftzb/nsfw_my_brother_swallowed_my_sd_card/
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Two cows walk into a barn and start arguing about who gets the wheat

Now they got beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckftuz/two_cows_walk_into_a_barn_and_start_arguing_about/
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I had an orgy in the dark last night.

I don’t know what came over me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckflsn/i_had_an_orgy_in_the_dark_last_night/
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What do you call a hooker in a snow storm?

Frostitute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckfhg3/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_in_a_snow_storm/
%
What do you say to an annoying insect?

'Stop bugging me!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckfgzg/what_do_you_say_to_an_annoying_insect/
%
What is the ONE food Scientifically proven to reduce libido in women?

Wedding cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckfg8m/what_is_the_one_food_scientifically_proven_to/
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What do you call someone with no arms, no legs and an eyepatch?

Names.
All credit to Bo Burnham for this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckf8r7/what_do_you_call_someone_with_no_arms_no_legs_and/
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Inspired by a church sign that read “Tell someone that they matter”

I pulled my daughter aside and said to her in my most sincere voice: “Unlike energy, you occupy space and possess rest mass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckf48b/inspired_by_a_church_sign_that_read_tell_someone/
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What did the average student at The University of Alabama get on their SAT test?

Drool.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckf300/what_did_the_average_student_at_the_university_of/
%
What’s the difference between St. Patrick’s Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On St. Patrick’s Day everyone wants to be Irish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckeyzq/whats_the_difference_between_st_patricks_day_and/
%
Did you hear about the man who won the World Handjob Championships?

It was close, but he managed to beat off some stiff competition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cketwc/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_won_the_world/
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What did one nut say while chasing the other nut?

I'ma cashew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cketlw/what_did_one_nut_say_while_chasing_the_other_nut/
%
A black man was shot in my local town last night with a starting pistol

The police think the shooting was race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckerkx/a_black_man_was_shot_in_my_local_town_last_night/
%
A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"
"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."
Unconvinced, the guy prepared to object but the devil cut him off.
"Let me give you an example," he said, "what's today? Monday right? Yes Monday. Do you gamble?"
"I gamble a little bit," said the guy, "I play poker with my friends every now and then and always have a bet on the big horse races."
"Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Mondays, Monday is our gambling day. In the morning we play blackjack and roulette, at lunch we bet on the horses, in the afternoon we bet on sports games and at night we play cards. It's really a lot of fun, you're going to LOVE Mondays"
"That does sounds ok," said the guy, "but if it's all the same to you I want to talk to the man upstairs and see..."
"Do you drink?" the devil interrupted.
"Sure," said the guy, "everyone likes a drink every now and then."
"Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Tuesdays, Tuesday is our drinking day. We wake up, have breakfast with amazing Bloody Marys that takes us to an early lunch where we have pizza and beer then drink beer and whiskey all afternoon until dinner time where we have the best wines, followed by port and cognac. A very popular day, you're going to LOVE Tuesdays."
"That does sound pretty good," said the guy, "but..."
"Do you ever do drugs?" said the devil.
"I smoke pot every now and then," said the guy.
"Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Wednesdays, Wednesday is our drug day. Probably our most popular day to be honest. We start off nice and easy with the finest hash, then move on to coke as a nice pick me up, then we go out and do ecstasy and dance and have a great time then we wind the day down with some top notch heroin. And don't worry about the dangers because you're already dead! Yes you're going to LOVE Wednesdays"
"Actually that sounds great" says the guy
"Perfect," said the devil, "are you gay?"
"No I'm not gay," said the guy
"Oh," said the devil, "then you're going to hate Thursdays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckeqjl/a_guy_gets_hit_by_a_bus_and_finds_himself_in/
%
A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckeo7s/a_girl_agreed_to_go_out_with_me_after_i_gave_her/
%
I was on my couch making out with my girlfriend, when she asked if I wanted to take this to the bedroom

So I said sure, you grab one end, I’ll grab the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckeo6t/i_was_on_my_couch_making_out_with_my_girlfriend/
%
NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.
Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"
Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "What's that?"
Okay, I need to see your drivers licence"
Blonde passes an ID.
Cop: "Ma'am this is your gym membership. You are in serious trouble"
At this the cop drops his trousers, underpants and rests his member on the edge of the car window.
Blonde: "Oh no, not another breathalizer test."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckemla/nsfw_a_blonde_has_been_out_for_cocktails_with_her/
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Today I crossed a street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckemeh/today_i_crossed_a_street_changed_a_light_bulb_and/
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#nsfw A new gym opens in town

A guy decides to try it, he enters and sees a sign :    " lose 5 kg for 20€ or 10 kg for 40€" . He chose to try to lose 5kg, after paying they put him a big dark room and closed the door then the light turned on and he found a hot woman looking at him and said:
"if you catch me you can fuck me"
So he started running and running after her until he lost 5kg without catching her.
The man thought to himself :" if for 20€ they got me a woman like that, how would the woman of 40€ look like". So he paid 40€ and they put him in the same room in the dark, after closing the door they turned on the lights and he found two black men staring at him with their dicks dangling down and then said : "if we catch you we fuck you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckee0f/nsfw_a_new_gym_opens_in_town/
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Saudi Arabia never screen The Flintstones.

But Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckeduy/saudi_arabia_never_screen_the_flintstones/
%
I tried to eat a clock today.

It was a very time consuming process.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckech7/i_tried_to_eat_a_clock_today/
%
What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Cha ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cke9j9/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_billionaire/
%
My parents always told me not to marry a gold digger. Now I know why...

She's always got her finger up her nose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cke7og/my_parents_always_told_me_not_to_marry_a_gold/
%
Counting binary numbers

is as easy as 01 10 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cke0vt/counting_binary_numbers/
%
What did the T-Rex say after it fell?

Dino sore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckdwxn/what_did_the_trex_say_after_it_fell/
%
I saw my friend Monica at the bar

I yelled over to her "WHAT'S UP, MONICA?"
All of a sudden, I got beat up by three black guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckdt1o/i_saw_my_friend_monica_at_the_bar/
%
Every recipe for meatballs I find says to crack open a couple of eggs into some ground beef.

I guess that's why the two yolk is always in the cow mince

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckdrvl/every_recipe_for_meatballs_i_find_says_to_crack/
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Girls, if a guy...

* Remembers your birthday
* Knows what you enjoy
* Saves your pictures
* Understands your family & friends
This guy is not your man, this guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckdnhy/girls_if_a_guy/
%
What did Fred Flintstone say at the altar on his wedding?

I YABBA DABBA DOO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckdjx0/what_did_fred_flintstone_say_at_the_altar_on_his/
%
The guys on a plane

There are three guys on a plane that is plummeting to earth. As the plane is falling they all throw an object out of it wondering what would happen. The first guy throws an apple out of the plane the second guy throws a pear out of the plane and the third guy throws a grenade out of the plane. When the plane crashes they come across a little girl crying. They ask what’s wrong and she says an apple fell out of the sky and killed my cat. They continue walking and come across a boy who is crying and ask what happened the boy tells them that a pear fell from the sky and killed my dog. Lastly they come across an adult male laughing hysterically. They ask him what’s so funny and he says I farted and the house behind me blew up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckdjrt/the_guys_on_a_plane/
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What do two lesbian pirates say during sex?

SCISSOR ME TIMBERS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckdfge/what_do_two_lesbian_pirates_say_during_sex/
%
Lost my watch at a party once

Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing this girl. I walked up to the guy, punched him right in the face. No one does that to a girl... not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckdbju/lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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I hate how Shark Week tries to playoff Sharks as "gentle caring creatures that are misrepresented by the media".

It doesn't matter what they say, I'm still not voting to re-elect the president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckdaei/i_hate_how_shark_week_tries_to_playoff_sharks_as/
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We know its not enough but we hope you are satisfied.

Michael was looking for a quick money making opportunity and he stumbled upon a great business idea. He found out that a rich Arabic country was looking for some food imports. He did his research and found out that the said country had never had onions before.
So he filled a big transport ship with onions and send it to the Arabic country. He waited and waited for the response. Few weeks later the ship came back with a letter. It said, " Oh my lord! you have sent us the best thing ever! We never knew food can taste so good. This "onion" thing is the best thing that has happened to our country. We can't thank you enough. We don't think any amount of money  can justify your contribution to this country. Before your "onions" we thought Gold was the most precious thing. Hence, we have filled your whole ship with Gold as your payment. We know its not enough but we hope you are  satisfied."
Michael just stared at the letter. He just got filthy rich. He threw a big party to celebrate his success. His friend, David, got jealous seeing Michael's sudden success and asked him what happened. Michael told him the whole story. Back home David did his own research and found out that the Arabic country had never had Garlic.
Next day, David filled a bigger transport ship with garlic and sent it to the country. He waited and waited and few weeks later, the ship came back with a letter: "Oh my freaking lord! You have sent us the best thing ever! We never knew food can taste so good. This "garlic" thing is the best thing that has happened to our country. We can't thank you enough. We don't think any amount of money  can justify your contribution to this country. Before your "garlic" we thought "onions" was the most precious thing we had. Hence, we have filled your whole ship with "onions" as your payment. We know its not enough but we hope you are  satisfied."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckd9qi/we_know_its_not_enough_but_we_hope_you_are/
%
Guess what?

Chicken butt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckd8nu/guess_what/
%
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed together.

The egg, puffing on a cigarette, leans over and says, "Well, looks like that answers that question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckd45j/a_chicken_and_an_egg_are_laying_in_bed_together/
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What type of pasta is best eaten on its own?

Ravi-lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckd2vu/what_type_of_pasta_is_best_eaten_on_its_own/
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A man was murdered with a frozen rock.

The police eventually caught the stone cold killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckcvyf/a_man_was_murdered_with_a_frozen_rock/
%
What animal has a dick on their back?

A police horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckcv0r/what_animal_has_a_dick_on_their_back/
%
What did one duck say to the other that had lost it's voice?

How's it, quacka-lackin'?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckcstt/what_did_one_duck_say_to_the_other_that_had_lost/
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German guy walks into bar

A German guy and his beautiful date sit down at a bar
He asks the bartender for a couple of martinis
The bartender ask "Dry?"
The German replies, "Nein, zwei."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckcblb/german_guy_walks_into_bar/
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What does Will Byers and Will Smith have in common?

Both their lives got flipped upside down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckc9dr/what_does_will_byers_and_will_smith_have_in_common/
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Why do Mexican students not turn in their essays?

They no snitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckc3zy/why_do_mexican_students_not_turn_in_their_essays/
%
Doctor: I have bad news for you. You’ll have to take one of these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: But... Doctor...  you had given me only three pills!?
Doctor: I told you it was bad news.
.
.
.
.
*Edit: I can’t correct the title but it should say “... take one of these pills **each day** for the rest of your life”. Sorry!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckburb/doctor_i_have_bad_news_for_you_youll_have_to_take/
%
What's long and black

The line at KFC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckbp1k/whats_long_and_black/
%
What's big, white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckbmov/whats_big_white_and_cant_climb_trees/
%
What’s high in the middle and round on both ends?

Ohio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckbfpl/whats_high_in_the_middle_and_round_on_both_ends/
%
What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?

A roads scholar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckbbvh/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_has_outstanding/
%
If you can't remember the words to the Lion sleeps tonight...

It's just a whim away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckbb0z/if_you_cant_remember_the_words_to_the_lion_sleeps/
%
A man stands in front of a food truck

He reads the menu:
Cheeseburger $5.
Fries $2.
Handjob $10.
He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful lady working behind the counter
Handing her $10 he asks, "are you the one giving the handjobs?"
"Yes i am" she says seductively
"Well go wash your hands, i want 2 cheeseburgers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckawyy/a_man_stands_in_front_of_a_food_truck/
%
The tragedy of Canada

is that they had the opportunity to have British culture, French cuisine,  and American technology.  Instead, they developed British cuisine, American culture, and French technology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckapi6/the_tragedy_of_canada/
%
What's the military term for premature ejaculation?

Dishonorable discharge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckaob2/whats_the_military_term_for_premature_ejaculation/
%
I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckamj4/i_refuse_to_give_money_to_homeless_people_they/
%
Where do tough chickens come from?

Hard boiled eggs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckakt0/where_do_tough_chickens_come_from/
%
How do you make the USA enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckajhg/how_do_you_make_the_usa_enter_a_world_war/
%
They say red meat will kill you

I'm pretty sure green meat will kill you a lot faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckagse/they_say_red_meat_will_kill_you/
%
An American and a Chinese man are talking politics

American: In America we can openly criticize the president, can you do that in China?
Chinese Man: No, but in China we can openly support the president, can you do that in America?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckaggk/an_american_and_a_chinese_man_are_talking_politics/
%
Do you know why you should always bring a bomb in your hand luggage when you’re flying?

Because the chances of one person bringing a bomb, is very low.
But the chances of two people bringing a bomb, is almost impossible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckage5/do_you_know_why_you_should_always_bring_a_bomb_in/
%
The 5-second rule for food does not apply....

when you own a 2 second dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckadkw/the_5second_rule_for_food_does_not_apply/
%
How many tickles does it take to make the octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckacgn/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_the_octopus/
%
Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice-skating before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ckabsp/why_did_the_hipster_drown/
%
[WARNING OC!] What does a Mexican carpet fitter say to his donkey when he's late?

"Underlay Underlay Underlay!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cka8zf/warning_oc_what_does_a_mexican_carpet_fitter_say/
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In what career do you become more incompetent with more years experience?

Suicide bomber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cka82b/in_what_career_do_you_become_more_incompetent/
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What do you get when you cross a rhinoceros and a toilet seat?

I don't know, but there's no way I'm using **that** bathroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cka81q/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_rhinoceros_and_a/
%
I went to visit my old hometown the other day and found the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked the owners if I could have a look around. They said "NO!" and closed the door in my face.

My parents can be such jerks sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cka62u/i_went_to_visit_my_old_hometown_the_other_day_and/
%
Have you ever tried North Korean food?

That's okay, neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cka51e/have_you_ever_tried_north_korean_food/
%
Your Rabbi can start telling the truth tomorrow.

Today is the last day of July.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cka48c/your_rabbi_can_start_telling_the_truth_tomorrow/
%
A black boy walks into the kitchen

where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cka28o/a_black_boy_walks_into_the_kitchen/
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Coworker: Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere.

Me: Well it got me to the Sarcasm World Championships in Peru in ‘98.
Coworker: Really?
Me: No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cka0hn/coworker_sarcasm_doesnt_get_you_anywhere/
%
My publisher didn’t like my Erotica...

He said the plot was full of gaping holes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck9y8e/my_publisher_didnt_like_my_erotica/
%
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?

You yell, “I vote for the guy with the knife!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck9rfv/how_do_you_stop_two_blind_men_from_fighting/
%
My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing?

Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck9qqd/my_girl_caught_me_blowing_my_dick_with_the_air/
%
The war on drugs

That's it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck9l5e/the_war_on_drugs/
%
Co worker 1:Maybe I should do a Kardashian...

Co worker 2: Kim?
Co worker 1: No. A sex tape with a random rapper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck9gnx/co_worker_1maybe_i_should_do_a_kardashian/
%
Two mates are sitting at the bar,

The first one says "Listen, you have two choices. A) Be forever with your wife or-" His friend stops him and shouts "B! B! B!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck9g1s/two_mates_are_sitting_at_the_bar/
%
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck9ffa/my_wife_asked_if_she_could_have_a_little_peace/
%
I'm so grateful to say I don't drink any more.

But, I don't drink any less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck9e6w/im_so_grateful_to_say_i_dont_drink_any_more/
%
What grade did the socialist get from economics?

Top Marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck9dmn/what_grade_did_the_socialist_get_from_economics/
%
Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau attended the Assembly of First Nations annual summer meeting in Whitehorse.

Trudeau said he wasn't there to speak to the chiefs but to listen.
Then he spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing the Liberal Party back into the hearts of the Canadian people and how he was going to legalize marijuana and the many ways that he was going to help the First Nations. At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd cheered wildly and then the head of the First Nations band presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. A very proud and pleased Justin then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds...
A news reporter from CBC later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Justin Trudeau. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck99ae/liberal_party_leader_justin_trudeau_attended_the/
%
Wanna hear a funny joke?

Yeah? Then what are you doing on r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck93dq/wanna_hear_a_funny_joke/
%
My girlfriend is breaking up with me. She says I don’t understand her

I really don’t know what she’s talking about though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck92zq/my_girlfriend_is_breaking_up_with_me_she_says_i/
%
You know what really gets my goat?

El chupacabra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck8zzx/you_know_what_really_gets_my_goat/
%
What do you call a 2,000 lb Mexican dumpling?

JuanTon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck8tl7/what_do_you_call_a_2000_lb_mexican_dumpling/
%
What do you get when you cross Michael Jackson and Leonardo Da Vinci?

The *Shamona Lisa*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck8scd/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_michael_jackson/
%
Where did the Pirate buy a new hook?

At the second hand store!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck8rjr/where_did_the_pirate_buy_a_new_hook/
%
I got a new phone free of charge from apple!

It took over an hour to charge!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck8p8t/i_got_a_new_phone_free_of_charge_from_apple/
%
In a classroom the teacher wants the children to answer questions before they go to the bathroom...

A child goes up to the teacher and says: I really need to go to the toilet!
The teacher replies: Is it really urgent?
And the child says: Yes! Yes! Yes!
So the teacher says: Okay then. I will give you something easy then.
She continues: What is the alphabet?
And the child recites the alphabet:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z
The teacher then says: Where did the P go?
The child finally says: It’s running down my legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck8mv9/in_a_classroom_the_teacher_wants_the_children_to/
%
Judo - it's the art of folding clothes perfectly...

...while the people are still in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck8lo1/judo_its_the_art_of_folding_clothes_perfectly/
%
A man says to his wife "honey, I bet you can't tell me something that makes me both happy, and sad, at the same time..."

Without almost no hesitation "you have the biggest penis, out of all of your friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck8jz9/a_man_says_to_his_wife_honey_i_bet_you_cant_tell/
%
Opinions are like the anus.

Everybody has one, most of them stink, and you don't have to see mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck8j5o/opinions_are_like_the_anus/
%
A holocaust survivor dies of old age. When she goes to heaven she tells god a holocaust joke.

God responds “I don’t find that funny”
The survivor replies “I guess you had to be there”
Courtesy of Ricky Gervais in “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck8ggp/a_holocaust_survivor_dies_of_old_age_when_she/
%
What's a TV show you'll never see on reddit?

The OC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck8f5j/whats_a_tv_show_youll_never_see_on_reddit/
%
My love life is like Reddit meme formats

They either die in new or last only for a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck8c4q/my_love_life_is_like_reddit_meme_formats/
%
A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man ..

She then heard her husband coming .. so She told her lover to stay like a robot and not to move ..
Husband:
What is this ?
Wife:
This is a robot I bought to have sex with when you are travelling ...
Husband:
Okay darling in that case Let's have sex now ..
Wife:
No sweetheart ..  Yesterday I got my period so I can't , I will go and make a cup of coffee for you ..
After she left for the kitchen the husband said:
Damn I am so horny, I think I am going to try fuck this robot ...
As he tried fucking it  ..
The man started talking in a metallic robotic way ..
System error
Wrong hole
System error
Wrong hole
Husband:
Damn robot is not working properly .........and shouts -
I am throwing it out of the window ..
Suddenly ..... the lover realised that he was on the 20th floor and said:
"SOFTWARE UPDATED"
"PLEASE TRY AGAI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck8blb/a_woman_was_having_sex_in_an_apartment_20_floors/
%
i decided to be vegan

i quit cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck8909/i_decided_to_be_vegan/
%
Sunday and Monday are in a fight. Who wins?

Sunday. Monday is a weekday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck88y8/sunday_and_monday_are_in_a_fight_who_wins/
%
I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit.

I got tired of labor manuals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7xo9/i_used_to_work_on_an_assembly_line_making/
%
My sister bet me €15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You shoeod have seen her face when i drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7vf4/my_sister_bet_me_15_that_i_couldnt_build_a_car/
%
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7syu/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
%
I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery...

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night. So I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand... I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."
Never seen anyone run so fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7sg5/i_was_walking_home_last_night_and_decided_to_take/
%
Why did the scarecrow go to Harvard?

He was out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7oyu/why_did_the_scarecrow_go_to_harvard/
%
Do you not get really annoyed when people answer their own questions?

I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7o6d/do_you_not_get_really_annoyed_when_people_answer/
%
The rotation of of the earth

really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7n0w/the_rotation_of_of_the_earth/
%
3 years ago I married my best friend..

My girlfriend was angry, but me and Dave thought it would be hilarious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7ml7/3_years_ago_i_married_my_best_friend/
%
Sometimes I put my head between my knees and lean forward...

Because that's how I like to roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7i1g/sometimes_i_put_my_head_between_my_knees_and_lean/
%
A boy asked his father: why I don’t have siblings?

- because you never go to sleep early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7hxq/a_boy_asked_his_father_why_i_dont_have_siblings/
%
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special.

It was about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the Black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the Penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African String-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow!!!! You mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7hwp/an_elderly_couple_was_watching_a_discovery/
%
A farmer was selling his

peaches door to door. He knocked on a
door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer
negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her
the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they
as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they
nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as
fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood
got my soybeans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think
I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7gzb/a_farmer_was_selling_his/
%
A woman has twins, and unfortunately has to give them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7gcq/a_woman_has_twins_and_unfortunately_has_to_give/
%
Today, I saw twin pandas.

That bears repeating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7e7z/today_i_saw_twin_pandas/
%
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR FUCKING THUMB OFF THE END!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck7a22/a_guy_has_been_asking_the_prettiest_girl_in_town/
%
I couldn't decide if I wanted to be a doctor or a priest.

So I combined both my passions and became a pediatrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck78e6/i_couldnt_decide_if_i_wanted_to_be_a_doctor_or_a/
%
Captain America and Peggy Carter finally share a kiss...

Peggy Carter: "That was good."
Steve Rogers: "Your niece thought so too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck743u/captain_america_and_peggy_carter_finally_share_a/
%
What did one maggot say to the other?

It's nice to meet you in person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck6vfq/what_did_one_maggot_say_to_the_other/
%
A wealthy old man lays on his death bed, his 3 sons by his side.

"My boys, to just one of you I will leave my fortune. Each of you take a duck to the market. Whoever can sell it for the highest price will be worthy of everything I leave behind"
The first son, a successful business man in his own right, takes his duck, and gets $20 for it. A good price for a duck. The second son, one of the best lawyers in the country, thinks he can outdo that. And he does. $30! A ridiculous price for a duck.
The third son grabs his duck. The rest of the family try not to laugh, as they know the least successful son will have no luck.
And sure enough, he couldn't sell his duck. The market had closed, he walked back to his car sadly. A woman of the night  appears and offers him a good time, but he had no money. "The duck will suffice" she says. And it was the best she ever had. "If you can do that to me again, you can have the duck back!" Of course he does, then heads home with his duck.
Sadly on the way, the duck flies out the window and is killed by a truck. They pull over and the truck driver is so sorry he offers the pretending to be devastated man $50.
The third son heads home, slaps his $50 on the table and watches everyone stare in amazement. "How?" they asked.
"Wellll" he said with a massive grin, "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and fifty bucks for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck6qbi/a_wealthy_old_man_lays_on_his_death_bed_his_3/
%
What's the difference between 2 dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck6m1p/whats_the_difference_between_2_dicks_and_a_joke/
%
Me: I love my life.

Life: Excuse me, we are just friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck6lbw/me_i_love_my_life/
%
I've never been a fan of the song 'Hey Jude' by the Beatles.

The ending is just too salty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck6jl1/ive_never_been_a_fan_of_the_song_hey_jude_by_the/
%
I went to the Doctor yesterday.

I said, “you know those tablets you gave me to help my obsession with walking in straight lines?”
“Yes,” said the doctor, “how are you doing?”
“Well,” I replied, “I’ve finally turned a corner!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck6iun/i_went_to_the_doctor_yesterday/
%
I suffer from anal glaucoma.

I just can't see my ass going into work today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck6gs9/i_suffer_from_anal_glaucoma/
%
What happens if you throw a cigarette off a boat?

It becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck6gpe/what_happens_if_you_throw_a_cigarette_off_a_boat/
%
What's the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop a culture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck6fxi/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_yogurt/
%
My dad said he'd disown me if I didn't know a twelve letter synonym for "obstructive".

That's unreasonable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck6epf/my_dad_said_hed_disown_me_if_i_didnt_know_a/
%
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.
"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck6czp/several_centuries_ago_the_pope_decreed_that_all/
%
What did the incel say, when he had a sudden bout of inspiration to change his outlook on life and start approaching attractive women, in a confident manner?

Begone,thought!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck66fb/what_did_the_incel_say_when_he_had_a_sudden_bout/
%
There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those who can understand binary language, and the other ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck605o/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
One day, a husband called his wife while she was driving...

“Honey I just heard on the radio that there is an idiot going down the wrong lane on the freeway, be careful.”
“Did you say one, there’s hundreds of them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck5yvg/one_day_a_husband_called_his_wife_while_she_was/
%
My roommate tried telling me I'm schizophrenic,

But jokes on him, I don't even have a roommate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck5juv/my_roommate_tried_telling_me_im_schizophrenic/
%
How does Tyra Banks pick her nose?

From a catalog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck5a40/how_does_tyra_banks_pick_her_nose/
%
Rude people are like dicks

They pop up for no reason, and they all need a good pounding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck55wn/rude_people_are_like_dicks/
%
I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning.

The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down. I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, please". They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready. So I told them my name was Mocha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck4nwf/i_was_in_the_queue_at_starbucks_this_morning/
%
If boobs are attractive..

Why dont I have a girlfriend..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck4msi/if_boobs_are_attractive/
%
What do you call a chick who don't suck dick?

You don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck4h9z/what_do_you_call_a_chick_who_dont_suck_dick/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to build a

holy shit they’re already done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck4eo1/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_build_a/
%
A man walks up to a steaming heap of brown matter..

He stops. "Sure looks like shit to me", he mumbles to himself.
He bends down, and with his nose next to it, he takes a deep breath. ""Sure smells like shit to me", he says.
He gently pushes three fingers deep into the brown matter. "Darn sure feels like shit to me", he exclaims.
He then proceeds to place his three fingers into his mouth. "Sure as hell tastes like how id imagine shit to taste", he says, while struggling to swallow the brown substance.
He then stands up, smiles, and says "thank goodness i didnt step on it!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck46de/a_man_walks_up_to_a_steaming_heap_of_brown_matter/
%
My uncle was kicked in the chest by a horse

The doctors say he’s in a stable condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck42ib/my_uncle_was_kicked_in_the_chest_by_a_horse/
%
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the tw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck42ge/a_woman_asked_a_general_in_the_army_the_last_time/
%
Little Johnny came home after playing with his older friends.

His friends kept using adult words and making jokes. Johnny laughed, but he never understood what the words meant. He walks over to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's a hooker?"
The dad, taken slightly aback by the bashful Johnny, decided he did not want Johnny to know that kind of language yet. So he replies.
"Well, son, a hooker is a bicycle."
"What about fucking?" Johnny replies.
"Fucking is the same thing as pedalling."
Johnny thinks for a bit. "And a condom?"
His dad furrows his brows slightly. "A condom is a bicycle chain. Say, you should probably go to bed soon, you have school tomorrow."
Little Johnny obeys and goes to sleep. He wakes up the next morning plenty on time to go to school. Despite that, he still ends up 20 minutes late for his first class.
"So, Johnny", his teacher starts talking, "why are you so late for class?"
"Well miss, I jumped on my hooker and started fucking really hard, but on my way here my condom fell off four times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck3srv/little_johnny_came_home_after_playing_with_his/
%
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex....

He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck3qrb/a_man_and_woman_had_been_married_for_30_years_and/
%
Don’t you just hate it when porn stars post pictures of their kids on their Instagram.

I mean your just jerking off and then BANG you see some half-naked woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck3o4m/dont_you_just_hate_it_when_porn_stars_post/
%
What does the sign on a closed brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck3m4z/what_does_the_sign_on_a_closed_brothel_say/
%
I just found my niece with her middle cut out.

Nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck3fwr/i_just_found_my_niece_with_her_middle_cut_out/
%
Having a crush during school makes it 100x better...

and makes the summer 100x worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck3fr7/having_a_crush_during_school_makes_it_100x_better/
%
A woman who was in labor started randomly shouting, "Can't! Don't! Shouldn't! Wouldn't!"

The doctor said...."Don't worry...those are just contractions!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck358e/a_woman_who_was_in_labor_started_randomly/
%
Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you’re inside one at 4am, you think “Thank God these are here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck33ti/slutty_girls_are_like_walmarts/
%
Pontius was a great Pilate

He flew Jesus to heaven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck2xt5/pontius_was_a_great_pilate/
%
They say you are what you eat...

Funny, I don’t remember eating a legend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck2v89/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
What did the Italian farmer name his fascist cow?

Moo-ssolini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck2tfw/what_did_the_italian_farmer_name_his_fascist_cow/
%
A man walks into a bar and says...

Ow. My head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck2gk4/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
%
Doctor said if I don’t stop drinking , I’ll go into shock and die of a seizure

Ooooh I’m shaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck2frk/doctor_said_if_i_dont_stop_drinking_ill_go_into/
%
I spent a lot of money on focus training.

Maybe I just should have paid attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck2f1p/i_spent_a_lot_of_money_on_focus_training/
%
I have a good nature joke

But after listening to it, everyone just leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck2a11/i_have_a_good_nature_joke/
%
Women are like computers.

They won't take my 3.5 inch floppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck21yj/women_are_like_computers/
%
A blonde is driving down the highway

She is applying make-up in her rear view mirror. Her car drifts into the next lane and trades paint with a pickup truck. They pull off to the side of the road, the driver of the pickup truck gets out and he’s fuming. He asks the blonde if she has insurance and she just stares at him blankly... So he picks up a rock, draws a circle on the pavement, and says to her, “stand here and don’t move.”
He walks up to her little convertible and kicks the mirror off. Then kicks a dent into the driver side door. The blonde let’s out a giggle. He says “what??” And she responds, “nothing nothing.”
This makes his blood boil, so he pulls out a switchblade and starts slashing all four tires. He gets to the last tire and the blonde starts to laugh. “WHAT?!?” ..... “nothing nothing.”
Now he’s in a full blown rage. He goes back to his truck, grabs a crowbar and starts smashing her windshield. The blonde starts rolling on the ground laughing her head off. He turns to her, his face beat red and says, “WHAT IS SO FUNNY?????”
The blonde finally catches her breath and says, “ok ok, I’ll tell you...... I stepped out of the circle twice while you weren’t looking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck1yay/a_blonde_is_driving_down_the_highway/
%
The Princess and the Frog [long]

A beautiful princess had a shiny gold ball that was her prize possession.  She would take it with her wherever she would go, gently throwing it in the air while she sang.  One day she dropped the ball and it rolled down a hill and into a large pond.  The princess ran to the pond and started to cry when she saw that her ball was lost.
"Don't cry" said a frog sitting on a lily pad. "I can get your ball for you but you must do me a favor in return.  I am actually a bewitched prince and only the kiss of a princess at the stroke of midnight can remove the curse.  If I retrieve your gold ball, will you kiss me tonight?"
"Yes!" The princess exclaimed and the frog dove down and recovered the ball.  Handing it to the princess, he said "I'll come to your room tonight at midnight."
True to his word, at just before midnight the frog knocked on her window and she let him in.  As the clock in the tower started to strike midnight, the princess bent down and kissed the frog.  Suddenly the frog turned into a gorgeous prince.
And do you know that to this day... her parents don't believe that story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck1x1p/the_princess_and_the_frog_long/
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A man saw his friend smoking two cigarettes at the same time

He asked him “why you smoking two?”
He reply’s, “I smoke one for me and one for my brother because he is in prison”
A week after he saw him again, but he smoking only one.
He ask “oh did your brother get out??”
He reply’s  “no I quit smoking”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck1ue5/a_man_saw_his_friend_smoking_two_cigarettes_at/
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oof

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He cried. Then he hugged my sister & me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck1qs8/oof/
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What do you call a baby goth bird?

An emo chick.
Credits to u/jasperatu for inspiration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck1pqp/what_do_you_call_a_baby_goth_bird/
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My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck1omk/my_friend_thought_he_was_being_smart_and_said/
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If you ever rob a deaf person, be sure to break their hands.

Who're they gonna tell?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck1o8p/if_you_ever_rob_a_deaf_person_be_sure_to_break/
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What do you call a guy with eight dicks?

A cocktopus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck1h1k/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_eight_dicks/
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You can tell what what gender an ant is by putting it in water.

If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck1cxa/you_can_tell_what_what_gender_an_ant_is_by/
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Im going to Chernobyl but the trip costs an arm and a leg

Thankfully by the time I get back I will have a few to spare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck1buc/im_going_to_chernobyl_but_the_trip_costs_an_arm/
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My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”

I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck1btu/my_wife_sighed_why_does_everything_have_to_be_a/
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The blonde hunting trip

A brunette, a Indian,  and a blonde going on a hunting  trip.  the Indian goes out and comes back with a big buck, the brunette and the blonde asked "how did you get the buck?" The Indian says "I see deer track, I follow deer track, I shoot deer." so the brunette goes out and comes back with a huge grizzly.  The Indian and blonde ask "how did you get the grizzly?" The brunette says "I see bear track, I follow bear track I shoot bear." now the blonde goes out and takes a little longer than usual.  finally she emerges from the bushes all screwed up.  You could see bone, very deep gashes, just blood everywhere. The Indian and brunette in shock ask "how did you manage that?"
And the blonde says "well..  I see train track,  I follow train track, I shoot train... Train didn't stop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck1bmr/the_blonde_hunting_trip/
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A State Trooper is working on a dark and rainy night

He gets a call of a fatal wreck. He arrives on scene to find a car hit a tree the driver was dead on the pavement. He notices that when the woman went through the windshield it stripped off all her clothing. He used his rain jacket to cover her face and big beautiful breast and his hat to cover her vagina. Soon the ambulance arrived and the paramedics get out and walk over to the body. One medic looks at the trooper then looks at the body. He walks over and picks up the hat and looks at the trooper again. Looking puzzled he places the hat back on her crotch. The trooper says “what wrong with you?”. The medic replies ”isn’t there usually a dick under that hat?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck126i/a_state_trooper_is_working_on_a_dark_and_rainy/
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What do you call a drug dealer with a math degree?

A methematician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck11o2/what_do_you_call_a_drug_dealer_with_a_math_degree/
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Drunk driver

This isn't so much a joke as it is a true story that happened to me.   My buddy always got a kick out of it and it makes me laugh.  Delete if not allowed.
My friends wife left him and I went to his house to drink beer and play music.   We had a great time and somewhere around 3am I started my way home.  I lived in a very rural area and at 3am there should be nobody on the road.    I had a bit of a buzz and it had been snowing so I was taking my time.   That's when I noticed tire tracks in snow in front of me.   They were swerving all over the road, going completely off the road every now and then.   I thought "this sob is drunker than I am, he's gonna kill himself".  It was like he was playing chicken with the mailboxes, I was amazed I hadn't found him over an embankment.    I continued to follow the tracks until I finally caught up to the newspaper man on his early morning route.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck0wr3/drunk_driver/
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My mother and father are dwarves

All my life they struggled to put food on the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck0seu/my_mother_and_father_are_dwarves/
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Whenever it rains, my wife just sits at the window looking all sad

Maybe I should let her inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck0qlp/whenever_it_rains_my_wife_just_sits_at_the_window/
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My father caught me smoking a Marlboro when I was 12, and he beat me senseless.

Really taught me a lesson on brand loyalty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck0e4i/my_father_caught_me_smoking_a_marlboro_when_i_was/
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A priest and a rabbi

are visiting a local inner-city public school. They do this every few weeks to try and influence some of the kids to come visit one of their churches. It's actually quite nice to see that churches, despite their differences, can work together to try and help out the youth. Sadly, one day a fire bursts out of the kitchen and they both instinctively sprint towards the door when the priest stops down and says "wait! What about the kids?" to which the rabbi pauses briefly, and says "ahh...f\*\*\* the kids!". The priest without hesitation says "do you think we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck0ahv/a_priest_and_a_rabbi/
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A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar

They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck09k1/a_white_guy_a_black_guy_an_indian_an_asian_women/
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My roommate tried telling me I’m schizophrenic.

Jokes on him. I don’t even have a roommate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck09bk/my_roommate_tried_telling_me_im_schizophrenic/
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A guy dies and goes to heaven

When he gets to the Pearly Gates St Peter is waiting for him St Peter says he's going to review his life and then decide if he's worthy to go into heaven. St Peter looks through the book of this man's life and says  to the man" well you haven't really sinned but you haven't ever done anything worthwhile either" can you give me an incident in your life that would make you worthy to get into heaven?
The man says well I was driving my truck and I looked over and there was a gang of bikers attacking a woman so I stopped my car got out and confronted the bikers I said hey leave that woman alone what kind of man are you beating up on a helpless woman let's see you take on a real man
St Peter says wow that's really Noble when did that happen in your life? The man replies
About ten minutes ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck08ue/a_guy_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck08rh/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
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So Iron Man and Bruce Banner walk into a bar.

They both grab a stool at the bar and start slamming shots. Tony, a notorious alcoholic, maintains his composure.
He turns over to Bruce as he hits more back. He sees Bruce getting tipsy and a bit green.
Tony: "You okay there?"
Hulk: "Hulk smashed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck07ss/so_iron_man_and_bruce_banner_walk_into_a_bar/
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A 90-year-old man's friends decided to hire a prostitute for his birthday.

She ripped open his apartment door and yelled, "I'm here to give you super sex!" After a moment of consideration, the old said, "I'll take the soup!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck07b1/a_90yearold_mans_friends_decided_to_hire_a/
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My uncle once killed in an entire circus troupe with one blow

When I asked him how he did it, he said:
“I went straight for the juggler”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck06dv/my_uncle_once_killed_in_an_entire_circus_troupe/
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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour...

I said, “Wait, I can change!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ck0590/my_wife_said_she_was_leaving_me_because_of_my/
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I have a watch on my belt.

It's so your mother isn't late to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjzx1r/i_have_a_watch_on_my_belt/
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My English teacher said, “Your grammar is shit”

I replied, “Your grandad is a cunt”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjzwaj/my_english_teacher_said_your_grammar_is_shit/
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What do you call a rat with allergies?

Rat a-choo ouille.
(I'm sorry for ruining your day)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjzw5b/what_do_you_call_a_rat_with_allergies/
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algebra relationships

Dear Algebra, Please stop asking everyone to find your x. She’s not coming back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjzoca/algebra_relationships/
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I was telling Dave how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time

I ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother.
-“Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?” He asked
“well not really, I only went back two days”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjzmi2/i_was_telling_dave_how_my_time_machine_experiment/
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Bart Simpson goes to a bar

He introduces himself to the barkeep and orders a drink that is enthusiastically provided to him.
Bart downs the drink, keels over and dies.
A patron sitting at the bar observing all this exclaims to the bar keep, "Oh my God! What just happened? Did you just poison Bart Simpson?!"
The bar keep cries, "Yes! But I can't help it. I'm a Bart ender"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjzl6s/bart_simpson_goes_to_a_bar/
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My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.

He has serious selfie steam issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjzjhd/my_friend_is_obsessed_with_taking_blurry_pictures/
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I got a trophy for 'best thief'

Well, I didn't actually win the competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjzgof/i_got_a_trophy_for_best_thief/
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I'm done dating demons.

They're too possessive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjzccd/im_done_dating_demons/
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A state trooper pulls over a farmer...

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said -- "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says -- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjz5kn/a_state_trooper_pulls_over_a_farmer/
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The Energizer Bunny got arrested.

He was charged with battery...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjz2cu/the_energizer_bunny_got_arrested/
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What's the best way to get a baby out of a blender?

Doritos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjz15p/whats_the_best_way_to_get_a_baby_out_of_a_blender/
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What is a grizzly bear's favorite venue?

The maul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjz0kr/what_is_a_grizzly_bears_favorite_venue/
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Where do sheep go to watch funny videos?

EweTube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjyrlm/where_do_sheep_go_to_watch_funny_videos/
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What's the lesbian version of a cock block?

A beaver dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjyoe2/whats_the_lesbian_version_of_a_cock_block/
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The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjylcy/the_other_day_a_homeless_man_asked_me_for_some/
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I got my testicles trapped in a dyson

Now we're both bagless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjygs4/i_got_my_testicles_trapped_in_a_dyson/
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I've lost 20% of my couch

ouch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjyauq/ive_lost_20_of_my_couch/
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Are you a woman who wants longer fuller lashes?

Try showing a bit of ankle in Saudi Arabia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjy8yt/are_you_a_woman_who_wants_longer_fuller_lashes/
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In light of the customers' data breach Capital One unveiled a new slogan today:

Who's in your wallet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjy5vn/in_light_of_the_customers_data_breach_capital_one/
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What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say at a bar mitzvah?

Muscle. Tough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjy485/what_does_arnold_schwarzenegger_say_at_a_bar/
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British guy: You Yanks spell “colour” wrong, you’re so stupid.

American guy: No U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjy2u2/british_guy_you_yanks_spell_colour_wrong_youre_so/
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You are invited to our next AA (Acronym Abusers) meeting!

Please RSVP by the ATM machine with your PIN number!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjy0qf/you_are_invited_to_our_next_aa_acronym_abusers/
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I hate female dog donkey crossbreeds that can’t talk

Dumbass bitches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjxw9w/i_hate_female_dog_donkey_crossbreeds_that_cant/
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Masturbation is easy

Choosing  a video is tough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjxuo9/masturbation_is_easy/
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I once dated a girl with a twin. We all know the immediate fantasy that springs to mind, and so i thought i'd ask.

I asked and they agreed.
It was a wonderful experience and if anything her twin was a really nice guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjxrfw/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_a_twin_we_all_know_the/
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The Lovely Tale of Opposite-Sex College Roommates

A guy and a girl are college roommates. No feelings at all. One day, the girl goes to a frat party and brings home the notoriously bi frat dude. She f*cks him, and then the next morning, tells him she has feelings for her roommate and so the two of them won't work out. The frat dude, just happy he got laid, understands and leaves.
Two hours later, the guy roommate wakes up, goes up to his roommate and the conversation ensues:
Him: Hey, Kate, can we talk?
Her: Of course, Nick! What's up?
Him: Okay, so... I walked in on last night.
Her: Oh! I'm sorry, that's so awkward.
Him: Yeah, but it made me realize: I think I found my soulmate in you.
Her: Oh! Really? Nick... I told Brad this morning me and him won't work out!
Him: Oh, sweet! He's free!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjxnx0/the_lovely_tale_of_oppositesex_college_roommates/
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Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<
Edit 1:  Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?
Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjxn26/guess_who_i_bumped_into_on_my_way_to_the_eye/
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Batman: the Batmobile won't start.

Robin: Did you check the battery?
Batman: what's a tery?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjxmsz/batman_the_batmobile_wont_start/
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A 2 year old kid gets into a stack of board games.

And before his parents notice, he has them all open and pieces everywhere. The folks clean up the mess but soon realize that there are pieces missing from the Battleship game.
They rush the kid to the hospital, and sure enough, x-rays show he has swallowed some pieces. The doctor finds an aircraft carrier and two smaller boats in the kids intestines. The doc is especially worried about the carrier, as it is larger and has sharp corners.
The boy is admitted and given medicine to help move things along and spends the night under observation.
The next morning, the doctor enters his room to find a nurse holding a bed pan. The doctor asks "Is that the aircraft carrier?"  To which the nurse responds "No, its just two ships that passed in the night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjxi9a/a_2_year_old_kid_gets_into_a_stack_of_board_games/
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What do you get if you drop a piano down a gold mine?

A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjxdqt/what_do_you_get_if_you_drop_a_piano_down_a_gold/
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what's Hitler's favourite video game?

meinkraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjxcak/whats_hitlers_favourite_video_game/
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The true essence of fine art

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?
"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjx9t0/the_true_essence_of_fine_art/
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Have you ever met Eric? He's a genie. He's not particularly special or anything.

He's just Djinn Eric.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjx8l6/have_you_ever_met_eric_hes_a_genie_hes_not/
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Dollar pints

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjx606/dollar_pints/
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Three years ago my entire left side was paralyzed in a car accident.

I’m alright now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjx1tb/three_years_ago_my_entire_left_side_was_paralyzed/
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Piracy is killing the music industry...

You try playing a guitar with a hook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjwze8/piracy_is_killing_the_music_industry/
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What is the difference between a land mine and a feminist?

The land mine actually accomplishes something when it’s triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjwy9u/what_is_the_difference_between_a_land_mine_and_a/
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What is a Pirate's favorite letter?

R you say, no a Pirate's first love is always the C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjwupl/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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My wife asked my why i carry a gun in the house.

I looked at her and said "Decepticons". She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster. It was a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjwrxa/my_wife_asked_my_why_i_carry_a_gun_in_the_house/
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A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calender. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to 7.77$.
The man thinks "hmmmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something".
So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in seventh race horse 7# is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it . He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
The horse came in seventh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjwqhr/a_man_wakes_up_and_looks_at_his_clock_it_is_707/
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When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjwqhi/when_its_hot_my_wife_really_likes_us_to_blow_on/
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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjwqfr/a_woman_driving_along_at_speed_passed_over_a/
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Y’know, imaginary numbers are all fun and games...

... until someone loses an i
Then shit gets real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjwpym/yknow_imaginary_numbers_are_all_fun_and_games/
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What do Chinese terrorists do at a frat party?

They bro it up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjwnmu/what_do_chinese_terrorists_do_at_a_frat_party/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjwcjd/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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Talking to my crush is like talking to God

They never respond

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjw842/talking_to_my_crush_is_like_talking_to_god/
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjw1rp/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
I asked my Grandpa for twenty dollars

"Twenty dollars? What for?"
I told him I needed Groceries.
Grandpa said " When I was a boy my mom would give me one dollar. I would ride my bike to the grocers and come back with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, two sacks of potatos, a jug of milk, a tin of coffee, and two loaves of bread."
He paused and shrugged.
"I guess you can't do that anymore. Too many security cameras."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjvohs/i_asked_my_grandpa_for_twenty_dollars/
%
[Long] Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit their family's ranch.

In order to stay out of bankruptcy, they need to buy a bull to replace one who recently died. So the brunette goes online and finds a bull for sale in the city stockyards, about three hours away. The price of the bull is listed as $5,000.
Sadly, their inheritance wasn't much beyond the ranch, and the sisters only have $4,000 in the bank. The truck used for hauling animals is old, and gets terrible gas millage, so the brunette doesn't want to drive the truck to the city unless she knows for sure that they are going to buy.
Explaining this to the blonde, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll let you know that you need to come." The blonde replies, "Great, I'll be here waiting."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he wasn't going to drop his price, of $5,000 but since she is in desperate times, he will go down to $3,999, no less. The brunette reluctantly hands over her $4,000 in cash, and the seller gives her $1 in return.
After paying, the brunette walks down the street to a telegram office. She walks in and says, "I need to send a telegram to my sister letting her know that I've bought a bull for our ranch. She needs to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator says that he'll be glad to help her, and adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." With just a dollar in her pocket, she realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
She thinks for awhile, then asks, "Can you send the word, 'comfortable?'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'
And the brunette waits.
And waits.
And waits.
Hours go by, and the blonde sister never arrives.
Angrily, the brunette gets back in her car and drives back to the ranch. She bursts in the door of the farmhouse. Upon walking in, the brunette is shocked to see her sister sitting at the table, pants off, masturbating, and watching a video of a rodeo.
“Sister, what are you doing?!?!” she yells.
“What?! I got your message. I’m almost finished!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjv8t7/long_two_sisters_a_blonde_and_a_brunette_inherit/
%
A perpetual criminal offender is brought to the court house for trial. However the judge is a duck wearing robes and a powdered wig

. The criminal is incensed, he shouts out "I will not be judged by a common duck"
The judge says to the defence lawyer "If you don't silence your client he will be held in contempt."
The defence says "Yes Mallard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjv7p1/a_perpetual_criminal_offender_is_brought_to_the/
%
I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes...

They performed unspeakable acts on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjv72a/i_was_kidnapped_by_a_pack_of_mimes/
%
I once had a job crushing pop cans.

It was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjv6d3/i_once_had_a_job_crushing_pop_cans/
%
Two nuns are walking in the abbey

The first nun says to the other “I played a prank on the priest last night.”
“Who, the handsome one?” the other nun replies.
The first nun nods. “I poked a hole in his condom.”
The second nun faints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjv0xj/two_nuns_are_walking_in_the_abbey/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjuv0q/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
%
What do you say when you meet a gay, black, trans person?

"Hello."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjuu5c/what_do_you_say_when_you_meet_a_gay_black_trans/
%
As a farmer, I started feeding my cows marijuana.

But, I had to sell them because the steaks were too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjusav/as_a_farmer_i_started_feeding_my_cows_marijuana/
%
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter?

Pretty nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjuhud/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_dipped_his/
%
Did ya hear about the coal mine that caved in this morning?

Everyone got out, it was just a miner inconvenience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjug50/did_ya_hear_about_the_coal_mine_that_caved_in/
%
Forgetful Dad

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjubjg/forgetful_dad/
%
I once dated a girl with a twin. People kept asking how I could tell them apart.

I said it's easy.  Jill (my girlfriend) has purple nails and Alex her twin keeps reposting this crappy joke to reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cju4bp/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_a_twin_people_kept/
%
What temperature is room temperature on Tatooine?

Luke Warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cju142/what_temperature_is_room_temperature_on_tatooine/
%
A police officer pulls over a car

, due to suspicion of presence of Marijuana.
The police officer asks the driver, "According to an unknown source, it was reported that you had pot in your car. "
The man responds, "Oh you mean this?" and pulls out a flower pot.
The police officer laughs and asks "What are you growing?"
The man responds with "Weed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjtvi3/a_police_officer_pulls_over_a_car/
%
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.  The son says, "I did some schoolwork."  The robot slaps the son.  The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."  Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"  Son says, "Toy Story."  The robot slaps the son.  Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."  The robot slaps the father.  Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."  The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjtv47/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
%
3 world leaders are on a plane...

...and are trying to decide who's the most benevolent.
The first leader says "I'm going to solve poverty!" So he tosses bags of money all over the world. He lands at the airport to refuel and he sees a little girl crying outside. "Little girl, why are you crying?" he asks.
She responds "My father was crushed by a sack of cash"
The second leader, wanting to afford the same mistake, proclaimed "I'm going to give everyone warmth!" So he tosses a bunch of blankets off the plane. He lands at an airport and sees a boy snivelling near the entrance. Fearing the worst, he asks "Why are you crying?"
The kid says "My mother got suffocated by a blanket that fell from the sky"
The third leader sees this and says "I'm going to solve overpopulation!" He then throws a bomb off the plane. When he lands he sees a little boy in a laughing fit. Confused, he goes over to him. "Young man, why are you laughing so hard?
The kid gathers his composure and says "I farted and my neighbor's house blew up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjtunp/3_world_leaders_are_on_a_plane/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It’s ok. He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjtszp/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
%
Obi Wan and Yoda are in a space ship

Obi Wan: Are we going the right way?
Yoda: Off course, we are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjtqdx/obi_wan_and_yoda_are_in_a_space_ship/
%
50 Years!!

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."  "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"  Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.  "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjtp63/50_years/
%
Two anti vaxxers die and arrive at thepearly gates..

St.Peter gives them two options " Get one question answered by God himself and go to hell or go to heaven blissfully" .
The first one chooses not to ask any questions but the second one decides to take a chance .
He goes inside the golden gates and asks God " what is the correlation between vaccines and autism ?"
God replies " There is no chance that vaccines cause autism among children and there is no correlation".
Dejected, he makes his slow walk to hell and on the way he meets his fellow antivaxxer mate .
He whispers " Fuck,This goes even higher up than we thought."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjto0s/two_anti_vaxxers_die_and_arrive_at_thepearly_gates/
%
Why can't americans play chess?

They are missing two towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjtk7r/why_cant_americans_play_chess/
%
A lesson on compound interest--my net worth has finally hit 6 figures after graduating college 4 years ago paid for by student loans.

Currently at -$101,928.68

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjter7/a_lesson_on_compound_interestmy_net_worth_has/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbonzo bean?

I've never had to pay 20 bucks to have a garbonzo bean on my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjtcuk/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
Why does President Trump need glasses?

He doesn't have 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjt9pm/why_does_president_trump_need_glasses/
%
Why do rats suck at taking pictures?

Because whenever they say "Cheese!" they all scatter to find it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjt7ti/why_do_rats_suck_at_taking_pictures/
%
What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese man's telephone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjt5bx/what_has_two_wings_and_a_halo/
%
I thought of writing a letter to my Grandma to tell her that I’m quitting University to pursue a career in Magic

But and just couldn’t pick up the Penn and Teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjt3rl/i_thought_of_writing_a_letter_to_my_grandma_to/
%
What’s the difference between Epic Games and my uncle?

My uncle doesn’t fuck everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjt2kd/whats_the_difference_between_epic_games_and_my/
%
What’s the difference between a normal thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjsx7g/whats_the_difference_between_a_normal_thermometer/
%
Shelley's parents finally built up the nerve to confront their daughter about her time spent at the beach everyday...

&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Mom : "Quite a little operation you have going on out here sweetie.. but are you sure you've given this enough thought...?"
&nbsp;
Shelley : "I sure have! This has always been my dream and I'm finally doing it!  You should always do what you're passionate about!"
&nbsp;
Dad : "Yeah Shelley, great business model you've got here!  Selling seashells, by the seashore... literally on the beach next to the fucking ocean where ALL the seashells are!  Do you have sand for sale also?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjswqi/shelleys_parents_finally_built_up_the_nerve_to/
%
A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher were out fishing together

"We should all confess our sins," the priest suggests. "Give it a shot and see how it feels."
The three agree, and the Catholic goes goes first. "I'm an alcoholic. I drink till I black out every night."
"I love watching naked women on the internet," the rabbi confesses. "I just can't seem to stop."
The Baptist starts cracking up laughing, and the other two ask him what's so funny.
"Well my sin is I love to gossip," the Baptist said, "and I can't wait till we get back to shore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjsvst/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_baptist_preacher_were_out/
%
I was telling Dave how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time

I ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother.
-“Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?” He asked
“well not really, I only went back two days”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjst48/i_was_telling_dave_how_my_time_machine_experiment/
%
I got fired for having a tiny dick

My boss was a real micro manager

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjskn7/i_got_fired_for_having_a_tiny_dick/
%
All people with an iron deficiency, rise up!

But not too fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjsk81/all_people_with_an_iron_deficiency_rise_up/
%
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.
Just kidding.
They haven't opened it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjsjoj/what_did_the_kid_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
%
I proposed to my ex-wife.

But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjsjgt/i_proposed_to_my_exwife/
%
Hey Google, what's a computer's favorite beat?

Algo-rhythm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjs9a3/hey_google_whats_a_computers_favorite_beat/
%
My mom told me Jesus died on a Royal Caribbean ship, but my priest said he died on a cross.

Was that cruise a fiction?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjs7i4/my_mom_told_me_jesus_died_on_a_royal_caribbean/
%
You know you can build a thousand bridges and NEVER be known as a bridge builder...

But you fuck ONE goat...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjs79y/you_know_you_can_build_a_thousand_bridges_and/
%
The Peanuts Gang are sitting in class

Their teacher announces that they will each write a report on a Middle Eastern country as part of their geography homework. The teacher passes around a hat from which they draw a random country to write about.
Linus goes first. "Wow, I got Saudi Arabia!"
Next is Lucy. "Hey, I got Syria!"
Then Charlie Brown draws. "I got Iraq."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjs76r/the_peanuts_gang_are_sitting_in_class/
%
My teacher asked what I think about lesbian relationships

So apparently “In HD” wasn’t the answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjs6fp/my_teacher_asked_what_i_think_about_lesbian/
%
Difference between straight men and gay men

Gay men are fucking assholes.
Straight men are fucking pussies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjs30z/difference_between_straight_men_and_gay_men/
%
My girlfriend wanted to dye her hair red...

But she spilled it all over the bathroom.
It looks like someone dyed in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjrvg2/my_girlfriend_wanted_to_dye_her_hair_red/
%
Cop: we got a call that you had pot in your car

Me: *pulls out flower pot*. Oh you mean this?
Cop: *laughing*. My mistake, what are ya growing
Me: pot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjrvfo/cop_we_got_a_call_that_you_had_pot_in_your_car/
%
I was at the ATM, and the little old lady in front of me asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjrv8g/i_was_at_the_atm_and_the_little_old_lady_in_front/
%
If you joke about dying, that's gallows humour...

But if you joke about cocks, that's *gallus* humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjrun6/if_you_joke_about_dying_thats_gallows_humour/
%
I have been telling everyone I know about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjroul/i_have_been_telling_everyone_i_know_about_the/
%
I met my fiancee’s 85 year old great uncle the other day. A few minutes later he told me this joke.

Two friends, both ten years old, were hanging out after school one day. One of the kids turned to the other and asked “hey, do you know what a perfect penis looks like?” The kid said no and his friend looked disappointed.
Determined to find the answer for his friend, he rushes home to find the answer. When he gets home he sees his dad, who had just gotten out of the shower and had a towel wrapped around his waist. He said, “Dad, do you know what a perfect penis looks like?” He answered “yes son I do.” He drops his towel to the floor and points at his groin and says “that’s what a perfect penis looks like son.”
So excited to now have the answer, he rushes over to his friends house, knocks on his door and his friend answers. He says he knows what a perfect penis looks like. He yanks down his pants and points to his groin and says “see that? If it were about three inches smaller it’d be a perfect penis!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjroil/i_met_my_fiancees_85_year_old_great_uncle_the/
%
I put this on askreddit a little while ago:

So there’s this priest who dies and goes to heaven, and he’s waiting in the line in front of the pearly gates. So the line moves, and it’s the guy in front of him’s turn to talk with St. Peter. So the guy says, “My name is Vinny Sarducci, taxi driver from Las Vegas. St. Peter says, “Vinny? Glad to meet you. Please, take this golden staff and this silk cape, and enter the kingdom of heaven. At this point the priest is pretty excited, and he says “I am James Green, a priest who has proudly served god for 60 years.”
“Thank you Mr. Green, please take this wooden staff and this cotton cape, and enter the kingdom of heaven.”
“I don’t mean to be rude, but why does that taxi driver get the good stuff when I get a wooden staff and a cotton cape?”
“Well, up here in heaven, we judge people by results. While you prayed, people slept, and when he drove, people prayed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjro56/i_put_this_on_askreddit_a_little_while_ago/
%
I used to smuggle drugs into other countries using my butt.

If I didn't do it, some other asshole would.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjrnew/i_used_to_smuggle_drugs_into_other_countries/
%
My wife hit me with this one last night [NSFW]

Me (jokingly): I need you to fill out a consent form before we have sex
Her: Nah, Alexa records everything so verbal consent will do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjrhpy/my_wife_hit_me_with_this_one_last_night_nsfw/
%
Just purchased a hazmat suite.

Now I’m ready for that next toxic relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjrd7s/just_purchased_a_hazmat_suite/
%
I cut myself on a piece of perforated paper.

It was tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjrd2j/i_cut_myself_on_a_piece_of_perforated_paper/
%
People need to stop putting flyers on my car.

No, I don’t want to see a band called “Parking Violation” at the “Courthouse” next Thursday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjr9si/people_need_to_stop_putting_flyers_on_my_car/
%
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at soccer.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjr47g/ive_finally_worked_out_why_spain_is_so_good_at/
%
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjr269/two_sisters_one_blonde_and_one_brunette_inherit/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjr20h/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
What do you call an eye doctor living on an Alaskan island

An optical Aleutian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjr1t0/what_do_you_call_an_eye_doctor_living_on_an/
%
Why are there no vampires in Africa?

Because
I blessed the rains down in Africa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjqzau/why_are_there_no_vampires_in_africa/
%
Vegetative state

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking 2 my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her: 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the connections that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.'
My wife got up from her seat with the  look of admiration towards me and proceeded to disconnect the android box, cable tv, laptop, cellphone, tablet, and Sony Play station. She then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, gin, vodka and beer from the fridge...
I ALMOST DIED!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjqyyv/vegetative_state/
%
What’s do woman and forklifts have in common?

If you don’t have one, you gotta unload by hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjqwvt/whats_do_woman_and_forklifts_have_in_common/
%
Floppy Disks are like Jesus

they died to become the symbol of saving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjqvn1/floppy_disks_are_like_jesus/
%
It's the story of a penguin who was breathing with his ass

One day he sat and he died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjqpnj/its_the_story_of_a_penguin_who_was_breathing_with/
%
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjqnbv/to_this_day_the_boy_that_used_to_bully_me_at/
%
I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy.
Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjqkyq/i_once_dated_a_girl_who_had_a_twin/
%
I was playing poker with my friends. Dunno why they got so mad at me.

I was just eating chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjqi43/i_was_playing_poker_with_my_friends_dunno_why/
%
Why was the amphibian so mad?

His car got stolen.
It was toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjqgsp/why_was_the_amphibian_so_mad/
%
I married a cuban girl

Shes my guantanamo bae

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjqdsu/i_married_a_cuban_girl/
%
I was furious when my wife kept producing eggs

But looking back it was clearly an ovary action

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjq262/i_was_furious_when_my_wife_kept_producing_eggs/
%
The priceless moments of my LIFE.

\~a shoplifter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjq0s4/the_priceless_moments_of_my_life/
%
Driving a car is a lot like sex. It was fun for the first few times...

But now it's boring and costs too much money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjq04t/driving_a_car_is_a_lot_like_sex_it_was_fun_for/
%
A cinema sold out for the Spongebob film in 4D

Everybody drowned in the cinema

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjpzlg/a_cinema_sold_out_for_the_spongebob_film_in_4d/
%
The doctors surgically removed a Cancer from my wife last week

He was supposed to be a Leo, but she went into labor early.
(This joke is literally true - our due date was July 23 but she went into labor early and we had to have an emergency C-section on July 21st.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjprdt/the_doctors_surgically_removed_a_cancer_from_my/
%
An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."
Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"
Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjppwp/an_admiral_was_visiting_one_of_his_ships_while/
%
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, "No, wait! I can change."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjpnkr/my_wife_told_me_she_was_leaving_me_because_i_keep/
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A friend confided in me

that the only way he could get off was to crap himself and drag himself across a room in a zigzag pattern. He asked if something was wrong with him.
I told him he was fine, he was just into some kinky shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjoxw3/a_friend_confided_in_me/
%
Never trust an atom

..they make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjovmh/never_trust_an_atom/
%
My wife just had twins

The doctor said "She'll've double contractions"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjoomm/my_wife_just_had_twins/
%
Do you know someone who can fit all the animals in a ship?

I noah guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjok3m/do_you_know_someone_who_can_fit_all_the_animals/
%
Someone asked me recently, "How do you want to die?"

And I thought for a moment, and I said, "I think I want to die like my father did, quietly in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjoecj/someone_asked_me_recently_how_do_you_want_to_die/
%
Who is Trump's favorite cricketer?

Rahul Dravid, because he is the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjobpx/who_is_trumps_favorite_cricketer/
%
IDK what's so hard about cancer

I'm already on stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjo9lu/idk_whats_so_hard_about_cancer/
%
A pirate buys a cheap ship

One day, a pirate decided that it was time to be captain of his own ship. The only problem was that he didn't have much money, only a few gold pieces to his name.
So, he went to the local shipyard and spoke to a salesman. He handed over his gold and was brought a decent sized ship. He didn't understand how he could afford such a boat.
He soon learned why the ship was so cheap: with every step he took, every wooden plank creaked and moaned under his boots. After a few days out at sea, he couldn't take it anymore. He brought it back and asked to exchange it. The salesman understood and brought him the only other ship they had: one small enough for a child. The pirate thought it over and finally gave in.
As long as he would squat down, he could fit in the boat. But he discovered a new problem: the ship's wheel was down by his fly! After a few more days out at sea, he returned again and asked for the first boat back. The salesman was confused and asked why.
The pirate rubbed his groin and said "Well, the first ship was rather annoying, but this one keeps driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjnyih/a_pirate_buys_a_cheap_ship/
%
Dad walks in on son masturbating

Dad: Son, if you keep masturbating you’re going to go blind.
Son: Dad, I’m over here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjnjwh/dad_walks_in_on_son_masturbating/
%
A fish and chip van crashed into two cars,

Both cars got battered!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjnfam/a_fish_and_chip_van_crashed_into_two_cars/
%
Vincent Van Gogh and Evander Holyfield walk into a bar...

... and find it very difficult to have a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjne8n/vincent_van_gogh_and_evander_holyfield_walk_into/
%
A man gets a new job.

On his first day, the boss gives him the basic description of his duties, and he says, "No problem, boss. I know just what to do."
And sure enough, he does. The boss is amazed to see that he intuitively knows every process, where everything goes, how everything works, what everyone does.
Every day that week, the man comes in and is incredibly productive. The boss is extremely pleased.
But on Friday, the phone rings. "Boss", says the man, "I'm sorry to say I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss replies, "Well, it happens. Go ahead and take the day and we'll charge it against your future sick leave."
The next week is more of the same, the man works like a maniac every day. The boss gives him more and more responsibilities, which he handles with no issues at all. That week the P and L shows an uptick in profits, which the boss attributes to the man's incredible energy and productivity.
But on Friday, the phone rings. "Boss", says the man, "I'm sorry to say I can't come in today. I'm sick."
Now the boss is a bit taken aback. But remembering what an amazing employee the man is, he says, "OK, go ahead and take the day, and we'll charge it against your future sick leave."
The third week is the same. The man has become the boss's number one employee and right-hand man. No problem is too difficult, the boss is starting to think that maybe he can retire and let the man run the business.
But on Friday, the phone rings. "Boss", says the man, "I'm sorry to say I can't come in today. I'm sick."
"Now just a second.", says the boss. "You are the most amazing employee I've ever had. But I can't let you keep calling in sick every Friday. Is there a problem? What's going on?"
"Well", says the man, "you see, my sister is going through a really nasty divorce. On Fridays I go to visit her, and she cries and I console her, and one thing leads to another, and we end up fucking all day."
The boss is shocked. "What? With your sister? That's... that's disgusting!"
"I know", says the man sadly. "I told you, I'm sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjnd6k/a_man_gets_a_new_job/
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A patient and a doctor are in a room

Patient: I think I have a brain tumor
Doctor: I'm sure it's all in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjnc00/a_patient_and_a_doctor_are_in_a_room/
%
I've been learning how to tie a noose

I'm getting the hang of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjnbx9/ive_been_learning_how_to_tie_a_noose/
%
Remember before the internet when it was thought collective stupidity was due to a lack of information?

Well, it wasn’t that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjnafj/remember_before_the_internet_when_it_was_thought/
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I was diagnosed with constipation 4 times this week.......

Guess I don't give a shit anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjn94i/i_was_diagnosed_with_constipation_4_times_this/
%
Why did the blind man fall in the well?

He couldn't see that well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjn7u4/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_in_the_well/
%
There’s a fine line between H and J...

It’s called “I”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjn5pd/theres_a_fine_line_between_h_and_j/
%
NSFW What is the warmest part inside a dead woman's body?

My penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjn176/nsfw_what_is_the_warmest_part_inside_a_dead/
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A wife asks her husband, why they don’t have sex any more? The husband answers, “It could be one of two things. One, either I’m too drunk to have sex with you”

“ or two, I’m not drunk enough. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjmyza/a_wife_asks_her_husband_why_they_dont_have_sex/
%
I went outside today and saw the most magnificent wind storm.

I was just blown away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjmwi0/i_went_outside_today_and_saw_the_most_magnificent/
%
Why do mathematicians like parks?

Because of all the natural logs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjmr25/why_do_mathematicians_like_parks/
%
Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjmpul/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "Sure thing. Hey, I couldn't help but notice that you've got a pretty nasty hook for a hand there."
The pirate says "Aye, I lost it in a sword fight."
"Oh that's horrible! Well what about your peg-leg, what happened there?"
"Aye, me leg was blown off by a cannonball."
"My god, that's gruesome! I can't even imagine why you've got an eye patch."
"Aye, a passing seagull shit in me eye."
"A...seagull? You lost your eye to some bird shit?"
"Well, I forgot about the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjmnq4/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
%
A blonde is walking down the street...

As she passes a field, she notices another blonde in a kayak furiously beating the grass. She stops and watches, realizing whats happening and becomes irritated. Across the distance, she shouts, "Hey! What are you doing dummy! Youre giving us a bad name! If I could swim, I'd come over there and kick your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjmi5z/a_blonde_is_walking_down_the_street/
%
How do you get rid of an unwanted slug?

Control Salt Delete

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjmhag/how_do_you_get_rid_of_an_unwanted_slug/
%
Will clear coffins be the next trend?

Remains to be seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjmfgi/will_clear_coffins_be_the_next_trend/
%
What’s long and hard and full of seamen ?

A submarine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjm2iq/whats_long_and_hard_and_full_of_seamen/
%
I read a suspenseful book about suicide

It really left me hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjm08d/i_read_a_suspenseful_book_about_suicide/
%
I'm learning how to tie a nuse

I think im getting the hang of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjlxrb/im_learning_how_to_tie_a_nuse/
%
My wife is constantly trying to talk to me through the bathroom door while I'm using the toilet.

It always annoys the shit out of me so I can't complain too much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjlwxm/my_wife_is_constantly_trying_to_talk_to_me/
%
A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.

The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
-
“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.
-
The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”
-
“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.
-
The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.
-
“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.
-
“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjluvc/a_police_officer_stops_a_minivan_full_of_elderly/
%
I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked.

I couldn’t tell what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjltij/i_freaked_out_the_electrician_by_opening_the_door/
%
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school

Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
-
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
-
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjlrm3/two_teenagers_fred_and_joe_meet_after_school/
%
What happened to the butcher who backed into the meat grinder

He got a little behind in his orders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjljy2/what_happened_to_the_butcher_who_backed_into_the/
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No one:

Literally no one:
0  234556789

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjlgda/no_one/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

And a table. And a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjlelg/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Stalin and Hitler are in hell

Stalin: wanna here a joke
Hitler: sure
Stalin: Moscow
Hitler: I don’t get it
Stalin: you’ll never get it motherfucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjlebk/stalin_and_hitler_are_in_hell/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjldqo/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
Why did the cookie need to see a doctor?

Well, he was feeling kind of crummy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjl5hf/why_did_the_cookie_need_to_see_a_doctor/
%
One melon asks another melon to marry it. The other melon said-

"Sorry I cantaloupe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjkvwh/one_melon_asks_another_melon_to_marry_it_the/
%
Jokes for car guys

WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACECAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjkqv2/jokes_for_car_guys/
%
An old man was fishing on a lake in the early morning, when a frog jumped into his boat.

The frog looked up at the old man and said, "if you kiss me, I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen."
The old man kept fishing.
He caught a fish, tossed it in a bucket and cast out his line again. The frog looked up again at the old man and repeated himself a little louder, "if you KISS me, I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen!"
The old man just kept fishing. He eventually caught another fish, and had just cast his line again, when the frog said, "Hey! Maybe you didn't hear me, but if you KISS me-"
The old man interrupted the frog mid-sentence and said, "No, I heard you the first time. But at this point, I'd rather have a talking frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjkoaj/an_old_man_was_fishing_on_a_lake_in_the_early/
%
I wanted to put "calligraphy" as a skill on my resume.

I decided against it since it probably looks better on paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjkexj/i_wanted_to_put_calligraphy_as_a_skill_on_my/
%
nazi: We are mining too many useless ores!

Hitler: So mine less.
(grammar nazi bursts through door)
Grammar nazi: MINE FEWER!
Hitler: Yes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjkd1d/nazi_we_are_mining_too_many_useless_ores/
%
What do you call an Islamist who publishes propaganda about Sunnis?

A Shiite poster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjka8r/what_do_you_call_an_islamist_who_publishes/
%
A ypung caveman walks up to the tribe's magician, looking irritated.

He asks, "How do we name our newborn babies?" The magician is kinda busy, but the young boy insists to know, so he finally gives in and replies, "Well, after a baby is born, I close my eyes and perform a ritual dance. Once I open my eyes, the first thing I spot will be the name of the baby; if it's a smilodon, the child will be called Fierce Smilodon; if it's the river, then the name shall be Flowing River. But tell me, Shitting Dog, why does this bother you so much?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjka6r/a_ypung_caveman_walks_up_to_the_tribes_magician/
%
I'm still looking for a chemistry joke...

but all of the decent ones Argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjk63t/im_still_looking_for_a_chemistry_joke/
%
Spider

My wife told me to take out the spider instead of killing it.
We went out and had drinks.
Cool guy. Wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjk188/spider/
%
A chick with 12 boobs sounds weird..

Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjjz8l/a_chick_with_12_boobs_sounds_weird/
%
Where does a rich feminist live?

In a man-shun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjjy3h/where_does_a_rich_feminist_live/
%
My new sunglasses are making me paranoid

Everyone suddenly seems shady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjjs3l/my_new_sunglasses_are_making_me_paranoid/
%
Why are the wealthy often overweight?

Because of their four chins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjjkzo/why_are_the_wealthy_often_overweight/
%
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman tonight... "You're being charged for being amazing in bed" she said.

After five mins she dropped the charge for lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjjcqi/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_tonight/
%
Good-bye Daddy

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjjc39/goodbye_daddy/
%
What's the difference between "ooo" and "aaa?"

About three inches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjjblk/whats_the_difference_between_ooo_and_aaa/
%
(Dark Humor) What did the handless guy get for Christmas?

Its still a mystery cause he hasn't opened his present yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjj4ju/dark_humor_what_did_the_handless_guy_get_for/
%
A man is in Pamplona with some friends, to watch the bulls run...

... but he’s not really into it, so he goes wandering around looking for interesting things, and eventually, feeling hungry, stumbles across an interesting-looking restaurant and goes in.
It’s clearly a place that only typically caters to locals, but he’s welcomed and sat at a table and handed a long, one-page menu that’s written entirely in Spanish, and he notices that the menu is just one long list of items, with prices going from cheapest to most expensive.
The item at the top is listed for €1, while the bottom item is €100. He calls the waiter over to explain.
“Si señor, you see... here at this restaurant, all we serve is bull. The bulls that are killed by the matadors in the bullfights, they bring them here... and every single part of the bull can be eaten, and we will serve you any part you want.”
“Oh... I see! How interesting! Ok... bring me this!”, says the guy, pointing to the bottom item.
“Are you sure, señor? That...”
“Yes yes... I know. I have no idea. Surprise me!”
“Of course señor”
The waiter goes off, and a while later returns with a plate, covered in one of those silver half-domes. He puts the plate down, and with great dramatic fashion — TaDa!! — lifts the dome, to reveal the contents... what look like two massive grapefruit-sized meatballs.
“Oh....”, says the guy, “Are those what I think they are?”
“Si señor, the bull’s testicles! Try them... it is our delicacy. Very delicious!”
The guy digs in, and indeed... delicious... but very heavy and meaty. He can barely make it halfway through one of them.
No problem... he happily pays and makes plans to return with his friends.
Next night he comes in with his group of friends, who are all interested at where they’re being taken, having heard the rave reviews all day.
“Leave it to me to order!”, says our guy.
And a while later, the waiter comes back with the plate, puts it down and — TaDa! — the big reveal, except this time, the two meatballs are tiny... like little grapes.
“What! I don’t understand!”, says the guy, “What is this?”
“Well, señor... sometimes... the bull wins.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjj0ba/a_man_is_in_pamplona_with_some_friends_to_watch/
%
One Sunday morning in the middle of a blizzard

One Sunday morning in February, the young new pastor slowly made his way to the rural church in the middle of a blizzard, arriving with just five minutes to spare. He walked in, turned on the lights and looked around. No one else was there.
As he was about to turn everything off and go back home, an old farmer walked in, covered in snow.
The pastor said, "Oh hello Joe. Looks like nobody else could make it. I guess we won't have a service today."
The old farmer looked at him for a few seconds and said: "Well, Reverend, I know I am just an old farmer, but I can tell you this: if I take a load of hay out to the field to feed my cattle and only one cow shows up, I still feed it."
The pastor, embarrassed, said "Of course. You are right. I will go get ready."
So the pastor started the service and, being inspired by the farmer's faith and dedication, preached fervently for a full hour.
When the service was over the pastor went over to the farmer and said "So Joe... I hope you enjoyed today's sermon."
The old farmer looked at him, shook his head and said "Reverend, if I go out to feed the cattle and only one cow shows up, I still feed it, but I don't give it the whole fucking load."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjix9o/one_sunday_morning_in_the_middle_of_a_blizzard/
%
What happens when you go inside in a snow suit?

It melts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjiv78/what_happens_when_you_go_inside_in_a_snow_suit/
%
A cabbie picks up a nun

The cab driver stares at her. She asks him why he's staring and he says, "I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun." She says, "I'll kiss you if you're single and Catholic." The cab driver says, "I'm both!" The nun says. "Pull into an alley." The nun then kisses him in a way that would make a hooker blush. Back in the cab, though, the driver starts crying. "I lied. I'm married and Jewish." The nun says, "That's Ok. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjirww/a_cabbie_picks_up_a_nun/
%
Why did the teacher never fart in public?

Because she was a private tooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjiooq/why_did_the_teacher_never_fart_in_public/
%
I was going to make a post office joke

But I just don't have the right delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjik6w/i_was_going_to_make_a_post_office_joke/
%
What kind of bees make milk?

Boo-bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjijyd/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk/
%
How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjigen/how_do_you_stop_an_elephant_from_charging/
%
Where did the mummy drink his espresso?

In his Sar-coffee-gus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjidld/where_did_the_mummy_drink_his_espresso/
%
I got kicked out of the local Mexican restaurant

All I did was ask for ICE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjidhl/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_local_mexican_restaurant/
%
What do tampons say to each other.

Nothing they're stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjibch/what_do_tampons_say_to_each_other/
%
Three tentmakers are caught and sentenced to death in Saudi Arabia.

One is a doctor, one is a teacher, and the third is an engineer.
Once they are brought to the guillotine, the doctor is asked whether he wants to lie on his back, and see the blade coming down, or lie on his front, and die a much more sudden death.
To this he replies: “I do not fear death, let me see the blade come down!” So they lay him on his back and tie him up.
The blade comes down, but miraculously gets stuck half way. “It is the will of Allah for you to live, you can leave.”
The teacher is next, he is asked the same question, to which he also replies: “I am not afraid of death, let me see blade come down!” So they lay him on his back and tie him up.
The blade is released, but is once again caught half way down the guillotine. “It is the will of Allah for you to live, you can leave.”
The engineer is last, and they ask him the very same question, to which is answers the same: “I am not afraid of death, let me see the blade come down!” So they lay him on his back and tie him up.
The engineer looks up at the guillotine, and his eyes light up.
“Oh! I see what the problem is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cji8tt/three_tentmakers_are_caught_and_sentenced_to/
%
What do you call smart cheese ?

sharp cheddar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cji46k/what_do_you_call_smart_cheese/
%
How do you handle a redhead's temper?

Gingerly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjhvi3/how_do_you_handle_a_redheads_temper/
%
I’m all for punching not-sees.

Blind people weaken the race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjhvej/im_all_for_punching_notsees/
%
I told my friends a joke about birth complications, but no one laughed.

It must have come out wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjhvec/i_told_my_friends_a_joke_about_birth/
%
What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene?

Shit went down here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjhs2h/what_did_the_detective_say_when_she_discovered/
%
Cows spend a lot of time on their feet.

I bet they have great calves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjhmtp/cows_spend_a_lot_of_time_on_their_feet/
%
An old lady is at a grocery stand.

She asks the man behind the counter "Excuse me, could I please have a kilo of tomatoes?"                                                                      The shopkeeper says "I'm so sorry lady, but we are all out of tomatoes today."
"Oh okay. I'll just have half a kilo of tomatoes then" the lady replies.
"Lady,  there are no tomatoes here that I can give you. I'm all out. No more." The shopkeeper is a little agitated at this point.
"Oh okay. I'll just have a quarter kilo of tomatoes then" the lady replies.
The shopkeeper, trying to hide his frustration, says "Lady, please answer my query. How do you spell tomatoes?"
"Well, let's see" says the old lady. "It's T-O-M-A-T-O-E-S."
"You forgot the 'f', lady" says the shopkeeper.
"There's no f in tomatoes!" exclaims the old lady.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you for 5 minutes!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjhl8c/an_old_lady_is_at_a_grocery_stand/
%
What do you call it when pigs attack you?

A hambush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjhi00/what_do_you_call_it_when_pigs_attack_you/
%
What’s marvel’s favorite trophy

The Stan Lee cup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjhgyx/whats_marvels_favorite_trophy/
%
What do you call a Batman that skips church on Sunday

Christian Bail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjhe34/what_do_you_call_a_batman_that_skips_church_on/
%
A doctor was presenting a lecture about sex

In a discussion about the frequency of sexual relations, he asked
-"Is there anybody here who has sexual intercourse only once per year?"
An old man jumped up and exclaimed
-"Me, me! I do!"
The doctor asked
-"OK, sir, but why are you so happy about it?"
-"It's today! Today is the day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjhcw5/a_doctor_was_presenting_a_lecture_about_sex/
%
Internet went down.

So my internet went down for the whole weekend,so I talked to my family. They seem to be nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjh8iy/internet_went_down/
%
A man goes to the convenience store..

.. he picks up two apples, a toothbrush, a bag of birdseeds, a bottle of wine, and large pack of batteries.
When it’s his turn to pay at the cash register, the cute female cashier looks shortly at the mans purchases and then has a glance at the man. She then says: “ah... you must be single”. The man actually is single and amazedly answers: “yes, as a matter of fact I am - how did you know?”
The cashier replies: “that’s easy! You’re fuckin’ ugly, that’s how!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjh81r/a_man_goes_to_the_convenience_store/
%
What's 60 foot long and stinks of piss?

A geriatric conga line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjh7hw/whats_60_foot_long_and_stinks_of_piss/
%
What do you call a guy who got shat on by a bunch of crows?

A murder victim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjh7e4/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_got_shat_on_by_a_bunch/
%
When a space telescope hits debris...

...it becomes a collide-oscope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjh6um/when_a_space_telescope_hits_debris/
%
Why did the Polish guy throw away his food stamps?

They tasted terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjh5r3/why_did_the_polish_guy_throw_away_his_food_stamps/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, we are efficient and humorless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjh3xn/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I organized a threesome last night.

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjh3p6/i_organized_a_threesome_last_night/
%
Obesity causes a major public health concern.

There’s a growing body of literature on that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjgvkl/obesity_causes_a_major_public_health_concern/
%
Why don’t seagulls fly over bays?

Because then they would be bagels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjgtk4/why_dont_seagulls_fly_over_bays/
%
Light travels faster than sound...

... Thats why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjgss9/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
My friend told me this joke recently.

A girl asked her mother why she was named Rose.
Her mother replied, "Well, it's because as we were walking out of the hospital with you, a rose petal fell on your head. Because of that, we decided to name you Rose."
Rose asked, "So is that why my brother is named Leaf?"
"Yup." Replied the mother.
"Blaaappp-dbdbdbd-crskkk"
"Shut up, Brick!" Screamed the Mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjgs5c/my_friend_told_me_this_joke_recently/
%
Wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

Them: sure
Me: that's the spirit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjgosp/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_ghosts/
%
What vitamin do you take if you’re absentminded?

Potassi... ummm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjgn19/what_vitamin_do_you_take_if_youre_absentminded/
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I think Ryan Gosling is mature enough now...

for us to call him Ryan Goose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjgc0v/i_think_ryan_gosling_is_mature_enough_now/
%
Why couldn't the fighter jet pilot communicate with his co-pilot?

He hadn't broken the sound barrier yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjg62h/why_couldnt_the_fighter_jet_pilot_communicate/
%
What's Hitlers favorite animal?

A dolfhin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjfm8m/whats_hitlers_favorite_animal/
%
Paul Bernardo and a woman go into a forest....

The woman says:Paul I’m scared
Paul:you’re scared? I’ve to walk out of this fuckin place alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjflof/paul_bernardo_and_a_woman_go_into_a_forest/
%
What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjfksb/whats_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
%
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjfkns/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the desert...

The Lone Ranger gets off his horse for a piss by a cactus. Suddenly, a rattle snake lunges out and bites him right on the dick. Tonto hears him scream and comes running over. He's lying there on his back, moaning in pain.
Tonto says, "I'll ride back to that native village we passed a while ago. Maybe the medicine man knows what to do." He jumps on his horse and is gone in a cloud of dust.
At the village, the medicine man tells him that for snake bites, you have to suck the poison out. So Tonto jumps back on his horse and rides back to the spot where his buddy is lying there with an injured dick.
"What the medicine man say?" the Lone Ranger asks.
"He says you're going to die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjfjw9/the_lone_ranger_and_tonto_are_riding_across_the/
%
Which organ in your body is in charge?

A long time ago, all the organs in a human body got into an argument, as to who should be in charge of the body, who is the most necessary one.
The brain said "I am obviously the one! I make all the decisions!"
The stomach replied "Well I feed the entire body! That is the most important thing!"
The lungs retorted: "We provide air, you all can't live without it."
The heart joined in: "Yeah? Let's see you all do it without the blood I pump!"
The hands said: "We do all the work!"
The legs replied: "Well we carry you all everywhere!"
But then, suddenly, the asshole joined the conversation: "It is obviously me!"
"Are you out of your mind?" - everyone shouted, "You don't really do any work, we can do without you any day of the week!"
"Oh yeah? We'll see about that!" said the asshole, and clenched. And kept clenching hard for a whole week, and then another week after that...
Now the hands could do nothing but shake, the feet couldn't take even a step, all the other organs
were at their limit as well.
"Ok, ok you win! We see now that it was you all along!" everyone agreed.
Millennia have passed since then, but now, ever since that first lost argument, it's the biggest asshole that always tries to be in charge...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjf3rn/which_organ_in_your_body_is_in_charge/
%
A woman spots an attractive man in a bar.

"Hi", she says. "My name is Carmen"
"Well, that's a beautiful name" he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she said. "I gave it to myself as it reflects the things I like most - cars and men"
"What's your name?" she asked.
"BJ Titsbeerngolf" he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjeswa/a_woman_spots_an_attractive_man_in_a_bar/
%
What's an Etch-A-Sketch artists's worst nightmare?

An earthquake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjess3/whats_an_etchasketch_artistss_worst_nightmare/
%
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”
“That one is a freebie.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjersb/i_went_into_a_pet_shop_and_asked_for_twelve_bees/
%
An employee gets called into his boss’s office...

Boss: “Young man, you have risen very fast in this company. Two years ago, you began as an office boy. In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a salesman, after that assistant manager, then manager. Now you are the vice president of the company. What have you to say about all this?"
Employee: "Thanks, Dad".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjeluc/an_employee_gets_called_into_his_bosss_office/
%
An old lady at the bank asked me to check her balance for her...

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjelno/an_old_lady_at_the_bank_asked_me_to_check_her/
%
Why does the Norwegian Navy have bar codes on their ships?

That way when they return to port they can Scan da navy in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjei82/why_does_the_norwegian_navy_have_bar_codes_on/
%
I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Tyson processing plant. Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no.....

it's just fowl behavior.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjefpk/i_saw_a_bunch_of_geese_and_ducks_on_the_lawn_in/
%
Types of deodorant

I went to store and asked for some deodorant.
The cashier asked "Do you want the roll on ball type?"
I said "No thanks, I want it for under my arms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cje76u/types_of_deodorant/
%
The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and if he laughs, you live, but if he does not, you die. The competition would continue until the population of the kingdom was reduced in half.
All the animals spent the rest of the week preparing. Never before in the animal kingdom had so much original content been created. Jokes upon jokes were imagined, tweaked, and committed to memory. The animals worked tirelessly, until finally, the joke telling day came.
All the animals were gathered in a great assembly. Before animals were chosen at random to present their jokes, an offer was extended to any animal who thought they had a truly exception joke. The zebra volunteered almost immediately. It was not very often that he got to go first at anything because of that whole pesky "Z" thing. Additionally, he felt that his joke was quite funny, and wanted to make sure that he got a chance to present it to the tortoise before the tortoise was tired of laughing.
He nervously approached the podium, and presented his material. It was short, sweet, and had an excellent punchline. To the zebras relief, the whole animal kingdom erupted in a roar of laughter, and it fact, it took several minutes for everyone to calm down...
...except for the tortoise. Without emotion, he just stared back at the zebra. The zebra was shocked, the rest of the kingdom astonished, but sadly, everyone knew what this meant. The zebra was escorted away, never to be seen from again.
It came time for the second animal to give his joke. Again, they polled for volunteers, and after some hesitation, the chimpanzee raised his hand. The chimp figured it had a good repertoire of making others laugh, and while the tortoise was apparently a tough crowd, he figured he probably had a decent shot. He had worked hard on this, and had about a five minute act.
The chimp's animatedly presented his finest material. It was a bit song, a bit dance, and a ton of humor. The kingdom chuckled throughout the act, but when the chimp dropped his final punchline, the kingdom went bezerk. Never before had such a funny joke been told: the whole act, while funny in itself, was the perfect setup to the final line. This was not a joke, it was a work of art.
Once everyone had again calmed down, all eyes were on the tortoise. He was unmoved. The chimp was astonished, the kingdom flabbergasted. The chimp was escorted away. He tried to fight back, to plead with the tortoise, but to no avail. He was never seen from again.
At this, no one dared to volunteer. Two masters of the craft were just set away to their doom. How could anyone compete? There was silence across the animal kingdom. Everyone felt the weight of the impending doom that was their fate. There were no more volunteers, their only hope was to not be called. All they could do was wait.
It was then than the bison was called. He lumberd up to the front. He took a big gulp; he knew he really wasn't good at joke telling anyway, and was pretty sure that he was destined to die. He hesitated, stutterd, stammered, but presented his joke to the best of his ability anyway. When the punchline was delivered, (or at least what seemed to have been whatever punchline there could have been at such a scenario,) there was a collective moan over the kingdom. The joke, was it even a joke?, was horrible. Everyone knew that he would be escorted away to his...wait, what? The tortoise! He began to chuckle. Not just a "heh" chuckle, this was a real chuckle. Not a chuckle, this was a lough! Then more and more! He was laughing so hard he was having a hard time catching his breath. How could this be? Did the tortoise have some strange sense of humor? Why was he laughing at this? Was he senile? The kingdom was sent into confusion.
Finally the lion interjected. "SILENCE!" he shouted. He addressed the judge: "Oh wise and fair tortoise, why is it that you find the bison's joke so humorous, but none of the other animals' jokes?"
"The other animals?" replied the tortoise. "I was still laughing at the zebra's joke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjdw53/the_animal_kingdom_had_become_overpopulated/
%
Cop: So when did you notice your wife was dead?

Man: Well, the sex was still the same but the dishes started to pile up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjdpup/cop_so_when_did_you_notice_your_wife_was_dead/
%
I bought pepper spray to keep dogs off.

I hope they really leave me alone when they see me crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjdjze/i_bought_pepper_spray_to_keep_dogs_off/
%
It would really sucks if breasts were made out of trees...

Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjdf6o/it_would_really_sucks_if_breasts_were_made_out_of/
%
Never ask a felon to organize something numerically

Not unless you're prepared to handle the con sequences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjd9dh/never_ask_a_felon_to_organize_something/
%
Jack and Jill

Jack and jill went up to the hill and did it in the water,
Jack slipped and his condom ripped
They ended up having a daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjd620/jack_and_jill/
%
Daddy shark was teaching his son how to hunt...

"You see those humans over there son..."
"Yes Dad, shall we attack them by surprise?"
"No son, first we circle round them for about ten minutes..."
"But dad... why? I'm hungry!"
"Well son, they taste better without any shit in them..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjd3sl/daddy_shark_was_teaching_his_son_how_to_hunt/
%
Two guys walking past a dog licking his balls.

One guy says wistfully, "I wish I could do that."
The other guy says, "Maybe you should try petting him first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjd3mt/two_guys_walking_past_a_dog_licking_his_balls/
%
I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the sea, yelling: "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed.
I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjcxti/i_was_at_the_beach_today_and_i_saw_a_man_in_the/
%
Tom went out to eat with his friend Sara.

She had recently been diagnosed lactose intolerant, and had been having a rough go of it. But that night, she couldn't stand it anymore and suggested they meet up at a Mexican restaurant.
The waiter greeted them and asked if he could start them out with any appetizers. Before Tom could suggest something, Sara blurted out, "It's been so long since I've had dairy. I'll have a a bowl of cheese dip, and don't even bother heating it up."
Tom raised his eyebrows. "Queso raw, Sara?"
She shrugged. "Whatever will be, will be."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjcvqo/tom_went_out_to_eat_with_his_friend_sara/
%
No one is afraid of llama kisses

So why is everyone so worried about the alpaca lips?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjctd1/no_one_is_afraid_of_llama_kisses/
%
A man joins a Tibetan temple

He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year.
After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says his two words:
“More blankets.”
Another year passes, and the man visits the head monk and says:
“More food.”
The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he’s drained by the long work days. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say:
“I’m leaving.”
“Good,” the head monk replies. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjcr65/a_man_joins_a_tibetan_temple/
%
Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news - you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjcp8f/doctor_ive_got_very_bad_news_youve_got_cancer_and/
%
Did you know that the first French fries weren’t fried in France?

They were fried in grease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjck4l/did_you_know_that_the_first_french_fries_werent/
%
What do you call a man with a jousting pole on his head?

Lance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjccvo/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_jousting_pole_on/
%
What do you call an illustrator with a criminal history.....?

Sketchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjc9mi/what_do_you_call_an_illustrator_with_a_criminal/
%
What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjc894/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_his/
%
If a person tells you they are cold, tell them to stand in a corner.

It’s always 90 degrees there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjc5ka/if_a_person_tells_you_they_are_cold_tell_them_to/
%
They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjc54y/they_say_that_being_scared_of_spiders_increases/
%
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjc0it/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
A guy named John Hitler was tired of people bullying him for his name so he went to the federal court and changed it hoping the harassments would stop.

But Peter Hitler is still getting bullied to this day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjbxzc/a_guy_named_john_hitler_was_tired_of_people/
%
Three old ladies are sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.

All of a sudden a large man jumps in front of the trio, pulls open his trench coat and flashes his manhood.
The first old lady immediately has a stroke.  The second old lady also had a stroke but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjbv7c/three_old_ladies_are_sitting_in_the_park_feeding/
%
When I was in kindergarten, I liked the shape of the seventh letter of the alphabet so much, I would just stare at the one on the class poster and poke at it.

My teacher would whisper *"Prodigy..."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjbv0i/when_i_was_in_kindergarten_i_liked_the_shape_of/
%
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

'ell if I know...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjbukn/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_and_a/
%
There are only three kinds of people that I hate.:

Those who can’t count and those who hate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjbrf2/there_are_only_three_kinds_of_people_that_i_hate/
%
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water...."

I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjbrev/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
%
There's been a recent surge in the number of male crossdressers in the Amish community.

Be careful. Women you might see during the day, may actually be mennonite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjbjy5/theres_been_a_recent_surge_in_the_number_of_male/
%
In recent news, a man who was charged with impersonating a hay stack

Has been bailed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjbdvm/in_recent_news_a_man_who_was_charged_with/
%
Studying science makes me numb...

Studying math makes me number!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjbafy/studying_science_makes_me_numb/
%
One day Canada will take over the world...

Then we will all be sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjb4su/one_day_canada_will_take_over_the_world/
%
What do you call a guy with a small penis?

Just-in.
\*Badum tsh\*
I'll show myself out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjb282/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_small_penis/
%
Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer.

The lawyer tells him "Mickey I'm sorry, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy"
Mickey says "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f**king Goofy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjay9c/mickey_mouse_gets_a_call_from_his_lawyer/
%
Went to my doctor with a wrinkley shirt.....

He said I have an Iron deficiency

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjau13/went_to_my_doctor_with_a_wrinkley_shirt/
%
Looking out

If you see a door that says Women, don't go in. It is a trap. There's only toilets in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjaskr/looking_out/
%
Q: Why don't Republicans want to impeach Donald Trump.

A:  Because they believe a baby must be carried full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjaqpg/q_why_dont_republicans_want_to_impeach_donald/
%
Paid athletes bulk faster than prisoner using gym facilities

The pros outweigh the cons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjaqbo/paid_athletes_bulk_faster_than_prisoner_using_gym/
%
Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: Oh my god! I'm pregnant?
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cjahbg/doctor_well_it_looks_like_youre_pregnant/
%
Went to the vitamin shoppe for some energy supplements.....

And the sales rep is telling me about b vitamins,  he goes :
"You got your b-12 your b-6, have you taken these vitamins previously "?
I asked:
"You mean like b-4"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cja6w6/went_to_the_vitamin_shoppe_for_some_energy/
%
I was relieved when I stopped at a tire service store

It really is the best place to take a leak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cja5a8/i_was_relieved_when_i_stopped_at_a_tire_service/
%
Make up sex is the best part of a heated fight...

... that's why I don't like arguing with my Dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cja4nj/make_up_sex_is_the_best_part_of_a_heated_fight/
%
I tried to take some high resolution pictures of some local farmland the other day.

Unfortunately they all turned out really grainy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cja0u7/i_tried_to_take_some_high_resolution_pictures_of/
%
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school keep flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cja007/every_time_i_lie_down_on_my_new_bed_all_the/
%
I bought a toilet brush yesterday

But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj9wxu/i_bought_a_toilet_brush_yesterday/
%
Me: *hits friend with a soda can*

Friend: Ouch! Why did you do that?
Me: Stop complaining, it was a soft drink afterall.
*insert Seinfield theme*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj9ncg/me_hits_friend_with_a_soda_can/
%
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.

Then the librarian told me i had to take it out before she called security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj9lt6/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree.

Just as he began to swing his axe at a tree, the tree called out, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned, "And you will dialogue!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj97g8/a_lumberjack_went_into_a_magical_forest_to_cut/
%
Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"
One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.
The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.
The nun conclude then, that it's no statue, it's actually is a soap machine!!
The second nun happily does exactly the same and the priest drops the second bar of soap.
The third nun pulls it once. Nothing. Pulls it twice. Nothing. Pulls it thrice. Nothing. Pulls it again and again and again.
And finally, marveling, she says, "Lord be praised! It also gives shower gel!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj9607/two_priests_step_into_the_communal_shower_when/
%
My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj91o5/my_buddy_questioned_how_do_you_get_so_many_girls/
%
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj8vqk/man_why_dont_you_sit_on_my_lap_and_well_talk/
%
A friend of mine has two tickets for the Super bowl. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested,.. the church is in New York City and the bride's name is Donna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj8ny2/a_friend_of_mine_has_two_tickets_for_the_super/
%
It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona

Arizona is land locked.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They made the law to protect your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj84ne/its_illegal_to_hunt_whales_in_arizona/
%
What freezes when you heat it up?

Your computer.
(Actually mine freezes as well)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj800h/what_freezes_when_you_heat_it_up/
%
American: so you’ve come to die

Australian: no, I came yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj7vxl/american_so_youve_come_to_die/
%
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj7uno/i_was_telling_a_girl_in_the_pub_about_my_ability/
%
Being a Male porn star is hard...

...there's a lot of stiff competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj7jlp/being_a_male_porn_star_is_hard/
%
Jack and Jill

worked at the mill before the work did slack off.
The miller cried, I can't decide, whether to lay Jill or Jack off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj7e0i/jack_and_jill/
%
If a woman says she'll be ready in 5 more minutes, she will.

You don't need to remind her every 15 minutes about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj7dv7/if_a_woman_says_shell_be_ready_in_5_more_minutes/
%
I am scared of ejaculating twice.....

Therapist: Come again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj7akz/i_am_scared_of_ejaculating_twice/
%
Mary had a little lamb, she tied it to a pylon.

10,000 volts went up it's arse and turned its wool to nylon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj76b2/mary_had_a_little_lamb_she_tied_it_to_a_pylon/
%
Where do pirate captains keep their buccaneers?

Under their buckin' hats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj764m/where_do_pirate_captains_keep_their_buccaneers/
%
It pains me to say this

but I have laryngitis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj75ma/it_pains_me_to_say_this/
%
What has a bottom at its top?

A leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj72z0/what_has_a_bottom_at_its_top/
%
A grasshopper walks into a bar

The bartender says “Hey you know we got a drink named after ya!”
The grasshopper replies: “Really? You have a drink named Steve?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj72v4/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A holocaust survivor dies of old age and goes to heaven. The survivor tells God a holocaust joke, but God says, “That’s not funny. You can’t say that. That is offensive to everyone who suffered through that horrible event.”

“Huh,” says the survivor.
“I guess you had to be there.”
Source: Ricky Gervais on CICGC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj6xc7/a_holocaust_survivor_dies_of_old_age_and_goes_to/
%
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy...

...But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock cuz Jill's real name was Randy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj6tm4/jack_and_jill_went_up_the_hill_so_jack_could_lick/
%
I took my uncle's coffin to the wrong plot.

The groundskeeper told me I made a grave mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj6ns0/i_took_my_uncles_coffin_to_the_wrong_plot/
%
A man asks for a Pepsi at a restaurant.

That’s the joke. Fuck Pepsi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj6inx/a_man_asks_for_a_pepsi_at_a_restaurant/
%
The T-Rex waiters and waitresses at the restaurant seemed really stressed out

I guess they must have been short-handed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj6ih7/the_trex_waiters_and_waitresses_at_the_restaurant/
%
You know that saying about being the change you want to see in the world?

I feel like 50 Cent misunderstood it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj6ifr/you_know_that_saying_about_being_the_change_you/
%
I haven’t kept up my dues to Scrabble Club.

They’ve started sending me threatening letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj66lt/i_havent_kept_up_my_dues_to_scrabble_club/
%
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj665x/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
Bought myself a delorean yesterday

Sitting in it really makes time fly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj5udp/bought_myself_a_delorean_yesterday/
%
What did the staircase say when I climbed it?

Nothing.
It just staired.
(Actually kind of proud of this one, entirely original dad joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj5qk8/what_did_the_staircase_say_when_i_climbed_it/
%
A Policeman pulled over an older lady,

He walked up to her window and asked "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"
The woman said, "I just don't know, Officer, was it to invite me to your Police Ball?"
The Officer said, "Ma'am, the Police don't have balls...." He paused for a minute, closed his ticket book and said "Have a nice day Ma'am".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj5p0y/a_policeman_pulled_over_an_older_lady/
%
Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate

Right where it hertz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj5m8r/someone_insulted_me_on_my_monitors_refresh_rate/
%
How do you titilate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj5k4x/how_do_you_titilate_an_ocelot/
%
A coin manufacturer was fired the other day because he made no cents.

I tried to help, but he wouldn’t change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj5anq/a_coin_manufacturer_was_fired_the_other_day/
%
Me and my friend just had an argument about perception.

I guess we just see things differently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj59sl/me_and_my_friend_just_had_an_argument_about/
%
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge She runs over and asks the man, "What is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "Everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.
The Buddhist Monk Replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj5837/a_woman_dies_and_goes_to_the_gates_of_heaven/
%
What do you call an argument among Trump's staff?

Clash of klans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj551g/what_do_you_call_an_argument_among_trumps_staff/
%
I farted in my wallet

Now I have gas money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj4zw9/i_farted_in_my_wallet/
%
People who take care of chickens are...

Literally "Chicken Tenders!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj4v6k/people_who_take_care_of_chickens_are/
%
Went to a Halloween party with my girlfriend

And the host asked “what are you two dressed as?” And I said “I’m a turtle and this is Michelle”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj4t04/went_to_a_halloween_party_with_my_girlfriend/
%
What do you do to stay cool when it’s 100 degrees in NYC?

Dress as a cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj4mui/what_do_you_do_to_stay_cool_when_its_100_degrees/
%
Just found out today my boyfriend is a flat Earther

No wonder he never comes around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj4m7j/just_found_out_today_my_boyfriend_is_a_flat/
%
What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj4ida/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
%
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks tell them it's 12345678

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj4ici/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
%
A redneck goes to the doctor

Doctor asks "How is your perineum?"
Redneck replies "taint got no problem a'tall"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj4h3d/a_redneck_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
I get drunk with power uninstalling microsoft products. I don't do it all the time..

just when I need to take the Edge off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj4frn/i_get_drunk_with_power_uninstalling_microsoft/
%
Three doppelgangers are hanging out together. One is Puerto Rican, one is a vegan, and the last one does crossfit. How do you know which is which?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj4ekt/three_doppelgangers_are_hanging_out_together_one/
%
I have many jokes about unemployed people.

Unfortunately, none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj4ba8/i_have_many_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp.

Upon rubbing the lamp, Rick Astley appeared before her and said, “I will give you three wishes.”
She thought for a moment and said, “For my first wish I would like to end world hunger.”  “An admirable request. Consider it granted!” Rick said.
“For my second wish, I would like world peace.” “Ah, this is a very difficult request, but it has been done. And for your final request?”
She thought for a moment and decided to make this a selfish wish. “As a movie buff, I would like a copy of every movie in the world in my own private collection.” The genie a bit taken back . . . . paused and said, “This I cannot do . . .”  “Why!?” The women exclaimed. “ You can fix world hunger and end all wars, but you cannot complete this simple task?!” The Genie looked away and said, “I can, but your collection will not be complete . . . you see . . . I’m never gunna give you Up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj4898/a_young_woman_was_rummaging_through_her/
%
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at?

IHOP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj42vm/if_girls_with_big_boobs_work_at_hooters_where_do/
%
I started dating a homeless girl a few weeks ago and I think things are getting serious.

She’s asked me to move out with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj419a/i_started_dating_a_homeless_girl_a_few_weeks_ago/
%
The real name by which eskimos name themselfs?

I forgot but I swear Inuit earlier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj3wri/the_real_name_by_which_eskimos_name_themselfs/
%
i'm very good friends with 25 letters in the alphabet,

>!i don't know why!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj3qtq/im_very_good_friends_with_25_letters_in_the/
%
My doctor says I’m not allowed to have sex anymore

Apparently I have a nut allergy :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj3k4q/my_doctor_says_im_not_allowed_to_have_sex_anymore/
%
A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home...

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.
"Tennis ball" the man said.
"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj3d0c/a_man_found_a_tennis_ball_while_out_jogging_and/
%
There's a gang in my city who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join...

But enough about church, how's your day been?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj3b7w/theres_a_gang_in_my_city_who_recruit_new_members/
%
What do you call a redditor on a bicycle?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj3acv/what_do_you_call_a_redditor_on_a_bicycle/
%
How much wood, could a wood slug glug, if a wood slug could glug wood?

Just ask your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj36eg/how_much_wood_could_a_wood_slug_glug_if_a_wood/
%
A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj35ib/a_man_goes_to_a_diner_and_orders_a_grilled_cheese/
%
A termite walks into a bar and asks,

"Is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj34vw/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
%
Removing a part of my arm in the hope it will stop my hand flopping about uncontrollably...

That's a wrist I'm willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj340p/removing_a_part_of_my_arm_in_the_hope_it_will/
%
What do you call a vegan who hasn’t told you that they are vegan

Mute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj2y2t/what_do_you_call_a_vegan_who_hasnt_told_you_that/
%
Why don't rednecks perform reverse cowgirl when having sex?

Because you don't turn your back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj2u5d/why_dont_rednecks_perform_reverse_cowgirl_when/
%
Three people, named Crazy, Nothing and Nobody, are working on the roof.

Suddenly, Nobody falls off.
"Quick!" Nothing says. "Call an ambulance!"
So Crazy pulls out his phone, dials 911 and says: "Hi. I'm Crazy. I'm calling for Nothing, because Nobody fell off the roof!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj2nv3/three_people_named_crazy_nothing_and_nobody_are/
%
How many dementia patients does it take to change a light bulb?

... To get to the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj2kap/how_many_dementia_patients_does_it_take_to_change/
%
I bought a new mattress but I'm not sure if I like it..

I guess I should sleep on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj2k6i/i_bought_a_new_mattress_but_im_not_sure_if_i_like/
%
I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj2jog/i_saw_a_good_looking_guy_at_mcdonalds_spank_his/
%
What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

Very hungry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj2gwg/what_did_the_homeless_man_get_for_christmas/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No Ideer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj29zl/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj20t4/i_somehow_managed_to_make_it_through_high_school/
%
Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj20rn/please_send_help_i_barely_hacked_onto_the/
%
Why did god invent whiskey?

So the Irish wouldn't rule the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj1xsk/why_did_god_invent_whiskey/
%
Many dinosaurs were very religious

In fact, prior to the meteor strike that killed them off, the most devout dinos were taken to Heaven. It was The Velocirapture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj1xhh/many_dinosaurs_were_very_religious/
%
What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay and his forehead?

About 10 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj1pdn/whats_the_difference_between_gordon_ramsay_and/
%
Why is there a fence around the cemetery?

Everyone is dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj1p9s/why_is_there_a_fence_around_the_cemetery/
%
When Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian as a kid everyone laughed.

No one is laughing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj1kk2/when_amy_schumer_said_she_wanted_to_be_a_comedian/
%
Jesus christ walks into a hotel.

He slames three nails on the counter and says " think you can put me up for the night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj1gf3/jesus_christ_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj1d5b/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_two_doors/
%
I tried to change my Elton John tickets to seated

But I’m Still Standing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj1cq4/i_tried_to_change_my_elton_john_tickets_to_seated/
%
What would be Donald Trump's mafia nickname?

Donny Small Hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj0xnb/what_would_be_donald_trumps_mafia_nickname/
%
Why is a 3y old anti-vaxxer child crying?

Midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj0vmo/why_is_a_3y_old_antivaxxer_child_crying/
%
I walked into a doctors office

And the receptionist asked me what I had.
“Shingles”, I replied.
So she wrote down my name, address, medical insurance number, and told me to have a seat.  Fifteen minutes later, a nurse’s aide came in and asked me what I had.
“Shingles.”
She wrote down my height, weight, complete medical history, and told me to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked me what I had.
“Shingles.......”
So the nurse gave me a blood test, a blood pressure test, and an electrocardiogram and told me to take off all my clothes and wait for the doctor.
Forty minutes later, the doctor knocked on the door and found me sitting patiently nude on the table and asked what I had.
“Shingles.”
“Where do you have them?” asked the doctor.
I said, “outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj0vbf/i_walked_into_a_doctors_office/
%
The king was in the mood of impressing his courtiers.

He said, "I was on my way through the jungle, just enjoying the scenary and the fresh air, but all of a sudden there was a lion blocking our way."
Engrossed, the courtiers were on the edge of their seat.
"I didn't want to kill the beast in front of my little girl, who was with me for the trip. So, I growled at the lion." The king continued.
"Then what happened?" A courtier asked.
"The Lion growled back to me but I growled back, even harder. The lion was taken aback by my deep and loud growling so it turned around and ran away," the king said proudly.
"Wow, the lion ran away by just king's growling." The courtiers said to  each other, impressed.
Suddenly, a boy came running in. " Your highness, a lion just entered the town. What should we do?"
"I'm not afraid of a lion. Let me know when it comes to the palace." The king said. The boy nodded and ran.
After a few minutes, the boy came back. "Your highness, the lion just entered the palace gates".
The courtiers were stunned by the news.
"No need to be afraid, I'm here. Let me know when the lion enters the palace." The king said. The boy nods and leaves.
After a few minutes he comes back. "Your highness, the lion is here."he said pointing at a huge lion at the entrance of the court.
It was the biggest beast the king ever saw. The courtiers were afraid and looked to their king to save them. The lion walked in.
With no other option, the king growled at the lion. The lion kept on walking.
Sweat starts forming on king's forehead. He growled again, but louder.
'aaarrgggh".
The lion kept on walking with a mean look on his face. The courtiers were trembling with fear but had trust on their king.
Drenched with sweat, the king growled again with all his strength.
"Aarrrgghhhhrrrowwwllll".
Unaffected, the lion kept on walking.
Suddenly, the king jumped up and shouted. " RUN! the lion is fucking deaf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj0uok/the_king_was_in_the_mood_of_impressing_his/
%
A Old Man Dies and Goes to Hell

So and old man lived a long long life. He was very religious and truly believed that he would go to heaven. When he dies he finds himself in hell. And he sees a buddy who died a few years before him. There's his old buddy with a young attractive girl (older than 18) on his lap. He looks at him and says "I thought this was hell". He looks at him and says "it is, for her"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj0u7i/a_old_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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Shipwrecked

So a guy is involved in a shipwreck, and manages to swim to a deserted island. He's there for three years, living on coconuts and crabs.
Then one day a barrel floats ashore. The top pops off the barrel, and a woman climbs out.
"Oh my god!" says the guy.
"Wow," says the woman. "I've been floating in this barrel for two weeks. How long have you been here?"
"Three years."
"Three years! I'll bet after three years you could go for a nice steak dinner."
"Steak dinner!" the guys says.
So the woman reaches into the barrel and extracts a nice steak dinner, tablecloth, plates and silverware, and they sit down to a feast.
When they are done, the woman says, "I'll bet after three years you could go for some champagne."
"Champagne!" says the guy.
So the woman reaches into the barrel and pulls out a bottle of champagne and two fluted glasses. She pops the cork and they enjoy some champagne.
Now the bubbles are starting to go to her head, and she says to the guy, "Three years, huh? What do you think ... do you want to play around?"
And the guy says, "You mean you have golf clubs in that barrel too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj0quu/shipwrecked/
%
Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He saw his gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj0o5m/why_did_hitler_commit_suicide/
%
What pickup line do the seven dwarves use?

Hi Hoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj0o2i/what_pickup_line_do_the_seven_dwarves_use/
%
Did I tell you about my neighbor who is afraid of chickens?

He built a beautiful fence around his house. All the neighbors say it’s impeccable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj0k7u/did_i_tell_you_about_my_neighbor_who_is_afraid_of/
%
Our local saloon was seized for running a brothel. I've been their customer for years.

I never knew it was a saloon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj0huk/our_local_saloon_was_seized_for_running_a_brothel/
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The only jokes I can make are LGBTQ+ jokes for some reason

I take pride in that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj0hij/the_only_jokes_i_can_make_are_lgbtq_jokes_for/
%
What’s the WiFi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Bartender: is Pepsi okay?
Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
There you go. So, what’s the password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj0gl2/whats_the_wifi_password/
%
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj07zb/what_happens_if_the_average_number_of_bullies_at/
%
69

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj06c1/69/
%
Why do politicians get reelected?

Criminals often return to the scene of the crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj05zr/why_do_politicians_get_reelected/
%
When I was a child, a man came out of nowhere and stole all my money

Now that I'm a rich man, I went back in time to take all my money from me as a child so he can't steal it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cj05ef/when_i_was_a_child_a_man_came_out_of_nowhere_and/
%
My friend was mad that I had to ask him for a quarter for the hundredth time to pay the parking meter. He asked why I never have any on me.

I told him I’ve never carried any coins before and I don’t ever plan to start. I don’t like change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cizxuf/my_friend_was_mad_that_i_had_to_ask_him_for_a/
%
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider.

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cizwx7/two_caterpillars_are_escaping_a_spider/
%
I was sat with my girlfriend’s dad as she was getting ready, when the embarrasing photos made an appearance.

“Here she is in the bath, she hates me showing this to anyone”
He just looked at me and said, “ Fuck off out of my house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cizumz/i_was_sat_with_my_girlfriends_dad_as_she_was/
%
Im kind of sad I don't see more bungee jumping jokes around

I guess they never quite seem to land

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cizt71/im_kind_of_sad_i_dont_see_more_bungee_jumping/
%
Why don’t witches wear underwear?...

To get a better grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cizkr2/why_dont_witches_wear_underwear/
%
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cizgkv/ill_never_forget_my_grandpas_last_words/
%
What happened to the car dealership when they ran out of KIA's?

They sell Nokia's now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciz7ek/what_happened_to_the_car_dealership_when_they_ran/
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"Mom, how do you use 'dark humor'?"

"Simple honey. See that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap his hands."
"But mom, I'm blind!"
She chuckles to herself, "Exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciz6ac/mom_how_do_you_use_dark_humor/
%
Which is heavier, 100ml of water or 100ml of butane?

Answer: the water.
Because, no matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciz67f/which_is_heavier_100ml_of_water_or_100ml_of_butane/
%
A Marine turns to a CIA agent and asks, “Why are we in Panama again?”

The agent shrugs and replies, “Just ‘cause.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciz4e3/a_marine_turns_to_a_cia_agent_and_asks_why_are_we/
%
How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Who knows; they never get the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciz38n/how_many_divorced_men_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What did the blind demolition expert say to his guide dog?

C4 me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciym1m/what_did_the_blind_demolition_expert_say_to_his/
%
What did one nut say when it was chasing another nut?

I’m a cashew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciyk6p/what_did_one_nut_say_when_it_was_chasing_another/
%
What is it called when two Mexicans play basketball?

Juan on Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciyav3/what_is_it_called_when_two_mexicans_play/
%
A captain in the navy is assigned a new post on a submarine.

As he explores his new vessel, he notices that almost everything is falling apart with varying degrees of rust.
He decides to check the hull, and sees plates of metal with varying dates, some of which seem to come from before world war 2.
He decides to ask someone in his crew if they know what's wrong with the vessel, and he finally gets an answer to what's going on.
"Can't you tell? There's almost nothing original on this sub!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciy5ti/a_captain_in_the_navy_is_assigned_a_new_post_on_a/
%
I overdosed on viagra once

Hardest day of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciy56i/i_overdosed_on_viagra_once/
%
Why does Lassie eat cantaloupe when she's sad?

She's melon collie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciy4wz/why_does_lassie_eat_cantaloupe_when_shes_sad/
%
Russian, American and German got caught by a tribe of cannibals

Cannibals told them:
\- We'll give you 2 tasks. Do them separately and we will release you
3 guys agreed
\- Ok. First task is - each one of you should bring us 10 fruits
Russian, American and German went into the forest. A few hours later, German comes back with 10 apples. Cannibals tell him:
\- Well done. 2nd task - we will put all 10 of them in your ass. If you make any sound, we'll kill you and eat you.
German guy agrees. 1, 2, 3... German guy can't hold anymore and screams. The tribe kills and eats him.
Russian guy comes back with 10 apricots. He has the same task as German guy. Russian agrees.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8... Russian guy starts to laugh. Cannibals tell him:
\- We will kill you, but first we want to ask. Why did you laugh? 2 more apricots and we'd release you?
Russian guy answers:
\- I just saw American with 10 pineapples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciy083/russian_american_and_german_got_caught_by_a_tribe/
%
Two thieves go to the church with their loot to confess..

.. their sins to the lord. They both decide to offer some part of the gold they robbed to the church to wash away their wrongdoings. But they couldn't decide how much of each of their loots to offer.
The first one thinks for a minute, draws a foot long circle on the floor and says, "Oh lord, I'll throw all my loot into the air, whatever lands inside the circle is yours and what little is left outside I'll keep for myself." Saying this he threw all his loot up in the air and almost all of the gold fell outside the circle except for few coins. He praises the lord for his mercy and collects his share smiling slyly.
The second one steps back and thinks hard. He let's out a deep sigh and says, " Oh lord! Forgive me for my sins. I won't make you pick up your share from the floor like my friend. I'll throw up all my loot towards you in the heavens. Please keep whatever you want and just throw back on to this earth whatever little riches you think I deserve."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cixljb/two_thieves_go_to_the_church_with_their_loot_to/
%
NSFW Gay men are just like vaccum cleaners

They come out of the closet to suck my dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cixfbz/nsfw_gay_men_are_just_like_vaccum_cleaners/
%
Did you hear about the man who ate too much spaghetti?

He pasta-way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cixciw/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_ate_too_much/
%
Subway stops are kind of my fetish.

It's just how I get off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cix8mz/subway_stops_are_kind_of_my_fetish/
%
Why are millennials so odd?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cix8b4/why_are_millennials_so_odd/
%
Why are bachelors skinny and married guys fat?

Bachelors go to the fridge, don't see anything they like, and go to bed. Married guys go to bed, don't see anything they like, and go to the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cix6vy/why_are_bachelors_skinny_and_married_guys_fat/
%
I threw a boomerang six years ago and it never came back.

Now I live in constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cix4xo/i_threw_a_boomerang_six_years_ago_and_it_never/
%
Why is 30 the dirtiest number

Because it's XXX.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciwz8b/why_is_30_the_dirtiest_number/
%
How did I escape Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciwxoc/how_did_i_escape_iraq/
%
What's Blonde and dead in a closet?

The Hide and Seek champion from 1995.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciwxam/whats_blonde_and_dead_in_a_closet/
%
Iron deficiency gang rise up!

But not too fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciww8i/iron_deficiency_gang_rise_up/
%
What do you call a camel with three humps?

Humphrey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciwqi9/what_do_you_call_a_camel_with_three_humps/
%
What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciwp4v/what_is_it_called_when_a_metal_worker_fixes_metal/
%
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse & Jack Daniel's?

Jack Daniel's comes alive when you add coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciwj1h/whats_the_difference_between_amy_winehouse_jack/
%
A Hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.

He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them 3 days to clean up  the retirement home. He wasn’t invited back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciwgk0/a_hypnotist_was_hired_at_a_retirement_home/
%
I told the local business owner that I loved his convenient location -- walking distance from my house!

"That's nice, sir."  He said.  "But if you want an oil change, you'll have to drive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciwdy7/i_told_the_local_business_owner_that_i_loved_his/
%
Today I saw someone waving but I wasn’t sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me.

I’m a terrible lifeguard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciwace/today_i_saw_someone_waving_but_i_wasnt_sure_if/
%
My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic

And that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but nobody listened to him.
He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again on several occasions.... until they kicked him out of the cinema.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciw892/my_grandfather_told_me_that_he_saw_the_titanic/
%
The lion is throwing a jungle sex party and everyone's invited

Before the party starts the lion goes in front of everyone and says
"there is only one rule in this party. No condoms! You can fuck with everyone but you can't use any condoms no matter what."
So the party starts and as predicted everyone is having a great time.
The lion walks around to see that nobody break his rule.
First he sees the zebra banging a leopard.
"Way to go zebra show him the food chain doesn't matter in sex!"
Then he sees two hippos Eiffel towering a bear.
"Good job guys the more the merrier!"
Then he noticed the elephant going all out on the rhino.
"Elephant! Nice job but we said no condoms!!" The king said fuiriously.
"That's not a condom my king"
said the elephant
"That's the snake giving me a blowjob"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciw7xr/the_lion_is_throwing_a_jungle_sex_party_and/
%
My friends say when life gets rough, vodka isn’t the answer

But I say it’s worth a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciw3mn/my_friends_say_when_life_gets_rough_vodka_isnt/
%
I just watched a documentary on drugs

I think all documentaries should be watched this way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciw2ui/i_just_watched_a_documentary_on_drugs/
%
If you sin 90 times you’ll only be caught 45 times

Because sin90=cot45

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciw276/if_you_sin_90_times_youll_only_be_caught_45_times/
%
My wife has informed me she is leaving me for my best mate.

To be fair, he was just a mate until she told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/civvm3/my_wife_has_informed_me_she_is_leaving_me_for_my/
%
I tried to lie to my radiologist, saying that this was my first time getting an x-ray.

Unfortunately, he saw right through me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/civjqm/i_tried_to_lie_to_my_radiologist_saying_that_this/
%
My friend David lost his ID today.

Now we just call him Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/civjkn/my_friend_david_lost_his_id_today/
%
Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/civix5/pro_tip_make_sure_it_says_made_in_the_usa_on_your/
%
A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains

: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”
The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want. Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won't work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame?
Will you blame Yourself?”
Woman: “NO!!!”
Psychiatrist: “Yes... That's why you need a husband “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/civhon/a_woman_goes_to_a_psychiatrist_and_complains/
%
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/civc5t/i_got_an_email_saying_at_google_earth_we_can_even/
%
A panda walks into a bar

and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/civ4i9/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So I went to the doctors yesterday and they told me I need to stop masturbating...

... Apparently they were trying to examine me or something like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/civ1m2/so_i_went_to_the_doctors_yesterday_and_they_told/
%
Two years ago, my doctor told me I would go deaf.

I haven't heard from him since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/civ1ku/two_years_ago_my_doctor_told_me_i_would_go_deaf/
%
What do you call a fish without eyes?

A fsh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/civ1jd/what_do_you_call_a_fish_without_eyes/
%
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciutpb/a_priest_was_being_honoured_at_his_retirement/
%
Last night, my Girlfriend told me to “Turn the light off and stick it in my ass”

Maybe I should’ve waited a few minutes for it to cool down?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciusuc/last_night_my_girlfriend_told_me_to_turn_the/
%
I’m driving through England on a tour, and will be stopping at Greenwich tomorrow.

No idea what to do in the Mean Time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciupib/im_driving_through_england_on_a_tour_and_will_be/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Good food, no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciulfl/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
In Endgame we saw that the two Nebulas were connected

Does this mean there's a nebula cloud?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciul8g/in_endgame_we_saw_that_the_two_nebulas_were/
%
What did Zelda suggest to Link when diplomacy didn't work?

Try-force

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciuhny/what_did_zelda_suggest_to_link_when_diplomacy/
%
A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.
"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"
"Oscar Peterson is the guy. Never heard of an Oscar Cocks," said the man with a slight chuckle.
"Well that Oscar specializes in insects. The insect habitats are found at the far east side of the zoo. Just head down this path, follow it all the way through and you'll get there eventually. You'll pass a bear habitat and a monkey habitat on the way there and right before the building is a huge gorilla habitat. As long as you pass those, you'll find the building."
The man thanks the employee and heads toward to the bear habitat.
"Woah! These bears are so majestic and amazing! Look at how big they are too!" he thought to himself as he walked past their habitat.
He then walked towards the monkey habitat.
"I never really liked monkeys. At least I know I'm going the right way" he said as he quickly walked past the monkey habitat.
Soon enough, he stumbled upon the gorilla habitat.
"Those gorillas are huge! But what's that over there...?"
There stood a big, muscular man in a zookeeper uniform covered in hair from head to toe. He was about 6½ feet tall and looked just like a gorilla.
"This zookeeper seems to be heading towards the same building I am", said the man as he approached the zookeeper, maintaining a disturbed stare.
As he passes the zookeper, he glances towards his nametag and reads "Oscar".
"This must be Oscar Cocks! I can't believe I ran into another Oscar while looking for Oscar!" thought the man with an amused smile on his face.
After a short walk, the man finally arrives at the building with the zookeeper right behind him. He enters the building and even holds the door open for the zookeeper as they greet each other with a smile. The man is then greeted by his buddy as soon as he walks inside.
"Hey buddy! How've ya been? I'm glad you could make it! You managed to get here on your own too!"
"I'm good! I asked for help from an employee on where to find you. I even have a little story I wanna tell ya." He then whispers "*It's about a guy who has the same name as you. He's the guy who I held the door open for earlier. He might hear us if we talk in here*". He then continues, "So what do you say we go out and grab some lunch?"
"Sounds good to me but give me a while and let me get my stuff. I've been working on this insect habitat all day and it's HUGE. We had to move a bunch of insects around just to make room for the construction. We used barrels for spiders, buckets for ladybugs and that crate you see over there is for grasshoppers among other things. In the mean time, why don't you have a look around? I'll be right over there by the habitat. If you need anything or have any questions about something just give me a holler."
Oscar then walked to the nearby habitat that was under construction.
The man strolled around and saw different charts and exhibits about insects. He eventually became bored and decided to lean against what seemed to be a wooden ^pole while waiting for his buddy.
After a while, he feels a tingling sensation all over his body followed by sharp pains. The man turns around to examine the ^pole and notices hundreds upon hundreds of insects crawling about on its surface. As he frantically tries to identify if the bugs nibbling on him are venomous or not, all the while trying to get the insects off of him, he sees Oscar Cocks along with a bunch of other zookeepers making their way towards him.
"Crap! If the zookeepers find out that I've been squishing their insects, I'll be in big trouble! I need Oscar's help! But if I called out Oscar's name, the zookeeper might be the one to approach me... But at the same time I need to know if these insects are venomous!" The man pauses for a bit and finally reaches an epiphany.
He clears his throat and hollers at his buddy,
"Hey OP,  what is this? A post for ants?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciuhfm/a_man_went_to_a_gigantic_zoo_to_visit_his_buddy/
%
What did Dr. Watson say when he was constipated?

No shit Sherlock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciugvv/what_did_dr_watson_say_when_he_was_constipated/
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The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent.  The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know what this means, right?" The rabbit trembled and said:"I am so-o-o-rrrrry, sire, I-I-I couldn't find any me-e-a..." BAM! The rabbit fell to the ground, with tears in his eyes. Then he stood up and started laughing. The lion looked at him in confusion and asked:"Are you OK? Why are you laughing? " The rabbit: " Oh, it is nothing, mylord, I just remembered that the hedgehog is down the line, bringing you an apple"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciue9q/the_lion_decided_to_invite_everyone_to_his/
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Your favourite sport says a lot about your life.

For example: rugby has a breakdown every ten seconds, and so do I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciud0p/your_favourite_sport_says_a_lot_about_your_life/
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Hello I’m the wonky news reporter

I’m here to askew a few questions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciubno/hello_im_the_wonky_news_reporter/
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Bite My Eye

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes.
The guy then proceeds to take out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciu12x/bite_my_eye/
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My Crush: your friend got a girlfriend?

Me: ...and herpes yeah, why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/citymc/my_crush_your_friend_got_a_girlfriend/
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Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity.

There were just too many elephants in the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cituab/yesterday_i_was_at_a_weight_watchers_party_but/
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My dad just bought a new washing machine

What should we call her?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cits08/my_dad_just_bought_a_new_washing_machine/
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(NSFW) A Man walks in to his son's room and says..

Son, if you don't stop masturbating you'll go blind!
The Son says "I'm over here, Dad".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/citmi1/nsfw_a_man_walks_in_to_his_sons_room_and_says/
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How neckbeards are made.

\-  Honey, we need to talk about your... boobs.
\- Ughh, MOM! You're just jealous because mine are bigger than yours!
\- That's the point David, you're my son, not my daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/citij6/how_neckbeards_are_made/
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How do you describe a guy who loves knitting but only does the manliest designs?

Male pattern boldness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/citho9/how_do_you_describe_a_guy_who_loves_knitting_but/
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Mad Cow Disease

A Sexy Female TV reporter, with Big boobs, interviews a farmer, seeking the cause of Mad Cow disease.
Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?
The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a Cow only once a year?"
Lady : (embarrassed) "Well, that's a piece of valuable information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?"
Farmer: "Well Madame, do you know that we milk the Cow twice a day?"
Lady: (blushes) Sir, this is really great information, but what about the Mad Cow Disease ?
Farmer (staring at her big tits): "I am getting to the point Madame. If I was playing with your boobs twice a day, and screwing you only once a year, wouldn't you get MAD ??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cithj7/mad_cow_disease/
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Picking up a girl at the gym

You're running like you want me to catch you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/citgbf/picking_up_a_girl_at_the_gym/
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Scientists have determined how many people it takes to screw in a light bulb.

It's less than to screw in a heavy bulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/citg4t/scientists_have_determined_how_many_people_it/
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The Golf Club

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at Surbiton Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'
The second lady, gazes intently and says, 'He is not mine either.'
After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this golf club'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cite3y/the_golf_club/
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What's the difference between a nut and bolt and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a nut and bolt.
Above is the classic punchline, but it occurs to me there is another:
...but you can't unscrew a pregnant woman, you can only nut and bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/citbe3/whats_the_difference_between_a_nut_and_bolt_and_a/
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Last night I dreamt I was swimming in orange soda...

But it was just a fanta sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/citad7/last_night_i_dreamt_i_was_swimming_in_orange_soda/
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I went to the psychologist to treat my big ego

I think it worked, I'm feeling much better than all of you today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cisyjl/i_went_to_the_psychologist_to_treat_my_big_ego/
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I really hate it when homeless dudes rattle their cup of change in front of me...

...I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cisuoi/i_really_hate_it_when_homeless_dudes_rattle_their/
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I whisked my wife off to the Caribbean last week.

Jamaica?
No she went of her own accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cissb4/i_whisked_my_wife_off_to_the_caribbean_last_week/
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I became a crack addict...

When I started going to the chiropractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cisom6/i_became_a_crack_addict/
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I asked my new friend to meet me at the gym, but they never showed up.

I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cisogw/i_asked_my_new_friend_to_meet_me_at_the_gym_but/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cismum/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Why was the Poker Player so good with the ladies?

He had a good hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciscp6/why_was_the_poker_player_so_good_with_the_ladies/
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What do you get if you mix a kangaroo with a elephant?

Bloody big holes all over Australia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cisa6n/what_do_you_get_if_you_mix_a_kangaroo_with_a/
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While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.

People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cis44w/while_i_was_at_the_gym_i_decided_to_hop_on_a/
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What is it called when you run over three disabled kids with your car?

Cripple kill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cis17s/what_is_it_called_when_you_run_over_three/
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What's the difference between a car loan and wanting kids?

Me wanting kids has a 0% interest rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cirza3/whats_the_difference_between_a_car_loan_and/
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Hitler mustn't have been very fit,

I mean he couldn't even finish off one race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cirqys/hitler_mustnt_have_been_very_fit/
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A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says “I hope the porn is disabled.”

The guy at the desk replies “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciri3x/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel_and_the_father_goes/
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A guy's car breaks down on a rural road...

He was looking around under the hood when a cow walked up and said, "check the carburetor".
The guy walked over to a farmer who was working nearby, and told him about the cow.
"Well, I wouldn't get too excited...", said the farmer, "that cow don't know anything about cars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cirg7d/a_guys_car_breaks_down_on_a_rural_road/
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There are to types of people in this world.

Those that don't worry about spelling errors, and those that do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cirdfw/there_are_to_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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A woman was watching the news when she saw that there had been a report of a car driving the wrong way on the freeway

She picks up the phone to call her husband who left for work and was heading in that direction, concerned that he might be on the freeway.
'Hey honey, have you heard that there is someone driving the wrong way on the freeway?' she asks.
The husband replies: 'what do you someone, they're all driving the wrong way!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cird18/a_woman_was_watching_the_news_when_she_saw_that/
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Why is Iron Man a woman?

Because he’s a (Fe)Male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cir6l1/why_is_iron_man_a_woman/
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What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cir5cc/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_swam_into_a_wall/
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I grew up so poor that my parents couldn't afford any toys

They had to cut holes in my pockets just so I could have something to play with at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cir30x/i_grew_up_so_poor_that_my_parents_couldnt_afford/
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What color is a window?

Well, the answer's pretty clear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cir2yf/what_color_is_a_window/
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Sleep is for the weak

No sleep is for the weekend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cir1n1/sleep_is_for_the_weak/
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A panicked mathematician rushes into his professors’s office...

The professor looks up in shock from his work to see one of his students slamming a high school geometry textbook on his desk.
“What’s wrong?!” exclaims the professor.
“They’ve updates the syllabus,” the mathematician replies.
The professor, still confused, watches the mathematician frantically flip through page after page of textbook until he lands on one littered with questions.
“Sir, Just look at this maths problem,” the mathematician explains, pointing to a particular geometry question, “there’s a detailed explanation beside it with step-by-step instructions! Now high school students will never be challenged and never retain enough knowledge from mathematics!”
The professor looks at the question, and sure enough there was a written procedure to solve each question.
“The students won’t apply the relating formulas to solve anything because it’s already written for them!” says the professor in frustration.
“Exactly!” responds the student.
The professor thinks for a moment, and then says,
“So these new-clear questions... they’re weapons of maths destruction!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cir0xs/a_panicked_mathematician_rushes_into_his/
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What do you call a blind German

A not-see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cir0n2/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
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I really hate elevators

I'm going to take steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cir0hu/i_really_hate_elevators/
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Twice the number of Irish could spell trouble for most cities

Unless it's Dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciqzz9/twice_the_number_of_irish_could_spell_trouble_for/
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My friend went on a date with the host of Dirty Jobs

She said it was a fun time, but she couldn't get past the fact that he has a Mike Rowe penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciqzep/my_friend_went_on_a_date_with_the_host_of_dirty/
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Science joke

I was going to make a chemistry joke but all the good ones Argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciqwbx/science_joke/
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A Polack goes to the eye doctor

the doctor asked if he could read the bottom line of the eye chart, which showed: CZYNQWSKI. To which the Polack responded; "Yeah, I know the guy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciqw85/a_polack_goes_to_the_eye_doctor/
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Me: I’m terrified of owls

Therapist: Who?
Me: *Screams*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciqto9/me_im_terrified_of_owls/
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What's the difference between PETA and a donkey?

The donkey does something useful, but both of them are asses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciqs9z/whats_the_difference_between_peta_and_a_donkey/
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What did Hagrid say to Tinkerbell when she started working at Dairy Queen?

You're a Blizzard fairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciqqfu/what_did_hagrid_say_to_tinkerbell_when_she/
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Incorrectly pronounced French jokes?

Oh please, so quiche

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciqppm/incorrectly_pronounced_french_jokes/
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Omegle chat

Stranger: I hate my f***ing life!
You: no you dont.
You: you hate your life right now.
Stranger: I'm 22, work in fast food and will probably never do anything better.
Stranger: my co-workers make funn of me all day.
You: learn the ways of the honeybadger.
Stranger: and if I told my boss he would probably cut my already s*** pay.
You: that is illegal.
Stranger: cause he's a cheap bastard.
Stranger: my only friend is mentally retarded.
You: that makes you a wonderful friend. :)
Stranger: and all we do together is stupid s***
Stranger: I can't leave my home town cause I never learned to drive.
Stranger: plus evry time I try I fail my drivers test.
You: Drivers ed bro
You: s*** works.
Stranger: and do you know what the worst part is? :(
You: your so lost in self pity you cant accept when anything good happens to you?
Stranger: I live in a pineapple under the sea.
You: god damn it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciqoko/omegle_chat/
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What happened when an orange slept with a prostitute lemon?

He got lemon AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciqmom/what_happened_when_an_orange_slept_with_a/
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Why do you have to leave cannabutter alone to let it steep overnight?

Because a watched pot never boils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciqinb/why_do_you_have_to_leave_cannabutter_alone_to_let/
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I fucked a girl with one leg

Looking back, I think I should have used my dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciqhnl/i_fucked_a_girl_with_one_leg/
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Why did the Bubblegum cross the road?

Because it was stuck to a chickens leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciqh3o/why_did_the_bubblegum_cross_the_road/
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There were three friars....

There were three friars who were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did as they were told.
Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciqe1i/there_were_three_friars/
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What's the color of the wind?

Blew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciq8vd/whats_the_color_of_the_wind/
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A good fishing spot is worth a lot on the market

It's prime reel estate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciq7o2/a_good_fishing_spot_is_worth_a_lot_on_the_market/
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The other day, I saw a rose making fun of a tulip that had a bump on it's stem, so I stepped on the rose. I'm just doing my part...

...to stop cyst stemic racism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciq4z3/the_other_day_i_saw_a_rose_making_fun_of_a_tulip/
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I saw a billboard today, and I felt like it was speaking directly to me.

My friends say it's a sign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciq429/i_saw_a_billboard_today_and_i_felt_like_it_was/
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The darkest joke

A man came home to find all his lamps had been stolen. He was absolutely delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciq1tm/the_darkest_joke/
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Would you go to someone’s funeral if they didn’t come to yours?

Well, would you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciq0og/would_you_go_to_someones_funeral_if_they_didnt/
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I once knew a very wise herb gardner

He was know for his sage advice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cipzj0/i_once_knew_a_very_wise_herb_gardner/
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I asked a German girl to rate me 1-10

and I’m glad to say she gave me a nein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cipv7x/i_asked_a_german_girl_to_rate_me_110/
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(Anti-Joke) What did the father say to his son before they got in the car?

“Get in the car”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cipt5d/antijoke_what_did_the_father_say_to_his_son/
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What does a drunk and a necrophiliac have in common?

After a long days work, they both enjoy coming home and cracking open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cipnje/what_does_a_drunk_and_a_necrophiliac_have_in/
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How do you get a nun pregnant?

You dress her up like an altar boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciplr8/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Why did the riot police go to work early?

They wanted to beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cipi9r/why_did_the_riot_police_go_to_work_early/
%
Never in my entire married life

Have I cheated on my girlfriend!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cipgkr/never_in_my_entire_married_life/
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Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cipcuy/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system/
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A man stands in front of a food truck reading the menu

"Cheese burgers $5
Fries $3
Hand jobs $10"
He walks over the the window and there is a beautiful blonde woman working behind the counter.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars.
"Yes I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want two cheese andburgers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cipbsm/a_man_stands_in_front_of_a_food_truck_reading_the/
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What rhymes with vodka?

No it doesn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cip9s8/what_rhymes_with_vodka/
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I've been dating two girls from Vietnam.

They're both super cool, attractive, funny and tick all the right boxes for a perfect partner. The problem is, I have to choose which one I want to be with, which means i'll be letting down at least one fantastic, amazing girl.
It's a complete Nguyen/Nguyen situation for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cip3uu/ive_been_dating_two_girls_from_vietnam/
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What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciozvp/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
%
I’m the Southwest Airlines of men.

Baggage is included.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cioxlp/im_the_southwest_airlines_of_men/
%
A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Christmas

The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz, so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive to return it in the Benz and still be happy."
The poor man says, "I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo, so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciow35/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_are_talking_about_what/
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I live my life based on the words of Batman:

“I’ll get drive thru.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciomi4/i_live_my_life_based_on_the_words_of_batman/
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Two Accountants

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat! After stopping for a hot dog, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat?, do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!" The "carnivore" paid no attention.
As they stepped off the curb a speeding car came around the corner and ran the vegetarian over. The other accountant called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able to. The injured vegetarian was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured accountant, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciohcp/two_accountants/
%
The wife was crying after the greatest mind blowing sex ever.

I guess I shouldn't have called and told her about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciogo7/the_wife_was_crying_after_the_greatest_mind/
%
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

On a plane!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciog9v/how_does_a_flat_earther_travel_the_world/
%
Hard working British family man.

Daughter: Daddy, did you find a new job?
Father: Yes but I’m not sure how long I’ll stay. It’s a jam making company and the bosses treat us very poorly. The conditions are terrible and the pay is barely enough to scrape by. They also call us names.
Daughter: What do they call you?
Father: They call all of the laborers Peons.
Daughter: Well that’s not very nice.
Father: No it’s not but we all have jobs as Peons so we wear the title with pride. We want to show them what we’re made of so we work hard and don’t even stop for bathroom breaks.
~the next day
Bosses: Alright guys, who here needs to use the loo?
Father: No time for loos, sirs. Cause we are the jam Peons!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciofsq/hard_working_british_family_man/
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I have a joke about sex

It’s an inside joke though,you wouldn’t get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciobbr/i_have_a_joke_about_sex/
%
What is Donald Trump's favorite butterfly

The monarch because it always goes back to Mexico

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cioary/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_butterfly/
%
After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cio698/after_being_diagnosed_with_a_multiple_personality/
%
I'm a girl magnet,

But the problem is girls are diamagnetic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cio638/im_a_girl_magnet/
%
What do a frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common?

Some jackass forgot to take it out in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cio5gv/what_do_a_frozen_beer_a_burnt_pizza_and_a/
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What's green, fuzzy and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cio4ep/whats_green_fuzzy_and_could_kill_you_if_it_fell/
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A navy recruit is on his new submarine for his first day.

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
“Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.”
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
“Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.”
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. “Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.”
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
“Hey there,” says the recruit. “is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!”
The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cio2lt/a_navy_recruit_is_on_his_new_submarine_for_his/
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A man, a, dog and a pig are stranded on a tropical island after a shipwreck...

The trio learn to survive on this island, finding shelter, food and water. They also become good friends and enjoy their new life on what is becoming a tropical paradise.
A few weeks go by and the group is sitting on the beach one evening shooting the breeze. This particular evening the sunset is beautiful. In fact, its the most beautiful sunset any of them have ever seen!
The man sees this sunset and gets thinking about his life back home and all the romances he's had and all the sunsets he's seen. He begins to get some... physical urges. He can't get these urges to go away and needs to relive them.
The man slides over to the pig and tries to get close and intimate with it. As he starts to put his hands on the pig the dog sees and starts to get angry at all the drama that is about to be created. The dog begins to bark and growl at the man who suddenly backs off. The man comes to his senses and forgets about the whole thing.
A few weeks go by with no further incidents. Then one day a beautiful woman washes up on shore. In fact, the most beautiful woman any of them have ever seen.
She's injured so the man takes care of her, nurses her back to health, shows her around the island and makes her feel better about her new life ahead on the island.
The trio take her in and they all become fast friends.
A few more weeks later and the quartet are sitting on the beach in the evening. There again is a beautiful sunset. In fact, its somehow EVEN MORE beautiful than the last one.
The man begins to get the urges back again but this time he has a better opportunity to satisfy himself. The man slides over to the woman and whispers gently in her ear...
"Can you take the dog for a walk while I fuck the pig?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cinxg5/a_man_a_dog_and_a_pig_are_stranded_on_a_tropical/
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“Ok.. Milk..check! Eggs...check! Tomatoes.... check!”

“Sir, would you please stop writing separate checks for every single item?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cinxb5/ok_milkcheck_eggscheck_tomatoes_check/
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Why did the philanthropist go into cardiac arrest?

There were many causes close to his heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cintkv/why_did_the_philanthropist_go_into_cardiac_arrest/
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A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity.

So I returned it to the store. They gave me another one, free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cintai/a_sweater_i_bought_was_picking_up_static/
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How did the cat get his promotion at work

He clawed his way to the top

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cinrms/how_did_the_cat_get_his_promotion_at_work/
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What's the most popular music at Muslim coming out parties?

Hard Rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cinqa2/whats_the_most_popular_music_at_muslim_coming_out/
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Did you hear about the Irishman who gets wet every time it rains?

Paddy O’ Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cinq9d/did_you_hear_about_the_irishman_who_gets_wet/
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What did one eye say to the other eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cinpwa/what_did_one_eye_say_to_the_other_eye/
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A Student asks a Professor...

Student: Professor, can I ask you something?
Professor: Sure.
Student: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
Professor: I dont know
Student: Its simple, you open the fridge and put him in. I have another question.
Professor: Go ahead
Student: How do you put an ape into a fridge?
Professor: Very simple, you open the fridge and put him in
Student: No, elephant out, ape in.
Professor: I understand
Student: Let me ask you another one. When every animal goes to a birthday party of a lion. Which animal is missing?
Professor: The lion of course, because he would eat every animal.
Student: Wrong, the ape because he's still in the fridge.
Professor: Are you kidding me?
Student: No Professor. Can I ask you one last question?
Professor: Okay
Student: How can I cross a river full of crocodiles?
Professor: Theres no way to cross the river. You should take the boat.
Student: No Professor. You could easily swim across the river, because every animal is at the birthday party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cinpfq/a_student_asks_a_professor/
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Two fish are in a tank

One says to the other: “You man the guns, I’ll drive.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cinj4l/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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Most people spend their whole lives waiting for their moment to shine. But not me.

Not since I got this job polishing shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cingdc/most_people_spend_their_whole_lives_waiting_for/
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How do you keep you wife screaming after sex?

Wipe yourself off on her new curtains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cineo6/how_do_you_keep_you_wife_screaming_after_sex/
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Why does Waldo wear stripes on his shirt?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cincj3/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes_on_his_shirt/
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Quasimodo Part 2

After Quasimodo’s funeral the next Sunday, his identical twin brother Farsimodo that no one knew he had was so distraught that he vowed to take up his brother’s mantle.  Realizing that the funeral got out right before he had to ring the bells for the first time, he made a mad dash for the spires of Notre Dame.
He ran as fast as he could as not to be late, grabbing the ropes in the knick of time to ring the bells gloriously.  In his haste, he swung the bells way too hard and the bell returned to him only to smash his face in and cause him to fall from the tower to a bloody mess.
As the crowd gathered around, seeing his head smashed in from the bell, someone could be heard to yell out, “Hey who is that?!”
The answer came back from the front of the crowd, “I don’t know his name, but he is a dead ringer for his brother!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cinc1b/quasimodo_part_2/
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Quasimodo Part I

One Sunday, while on the toilet, Quasimodo heard an unruly crowd outside.  He realized he was late to ring the bells of Notre Dame.  In a panic, he lept up and ran for the bells, his pants around his ankles.  As quickly and fiercely as possible he swung from the ropes to start the bells ringing.
Not realizing he had swung the rope way too hard, the bell, on return, swung so hard it smashed his face in causing him to fall from the tower to a bloody demise.
As the crowd gathered around, seeing his head smashed in from the bell, someone could be heard to yell out, “Hey who is that?!”
The answer came back from the front of the crowd, “I don’t know but his face rings a bell!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cinc09/quasimodo_part_i/
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Did you hear about the reclusive subatomic particle?

It was a bit quarky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cinbog/did_you_hear_about_the_reclusive_subatomic/
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What does baby wookie taste like?

A little chewie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cinay1/what_does_baby_wookie_taste_like/
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What kind of cow has two legs?

Your mom.
Sorry... But my 11 year old just told me this and I lost my shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cin8ar/what_kind_of_cow_has_two_legs/
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What be a pirates favorite letter in the alphabet?

You'd think it'd be R!
But it be the C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cin80d/what_be_a_pirates_favorite_letter_in_the_alphabet/
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Why do all ants have a British accent?

Because they colonize!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cin7y3/why_do_all_ants_have_a_british_accent/
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How did the necrophiliac like his food served?

The same way he liked his women...room temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cin6g1/how_did_the_necrophiliac_like_his_food_served/
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I love Fibonacci jokes

Each new one is as funny as the previous two together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cin54y/i_love_fibonacci_jokes/
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Just bought one of those Eco friendly cars, it runs on raccoon piss.

My wife borrowed it,
stupid Woman filled it with Weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cin324/just_bought_one_of_those_eco_friendly_cars_it/
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Have you ever tried Rodeo Sex?

You get your wife on all fours and bury your dick well in to her.
Then you say you are not as good as your sister, see how long you can stay on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cin10k/have_you_ever_tried_rodeo_sex/
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I told my therapist that my biggest fear is ejaculating twice in one day..

You can believe my shock when her response was, “come again?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cimya7/i_told_my_therapist_that_my_biggest_fear_is/
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A husband buys a car for his wife...

So she can run some errands while hes at work.  He gets home from work and sees the car parked a couple houses down.  He ask the wife:
Husband: Why is the car parked their?
Wife:  I went to the grocery store and on the way back, it just stopped.  Can you fix it?
Husband:  What do I look like?  Craftsman?  I've been at work all day, just leave me alone.
Next day the wife tells him that she will be doing the laundry so put all his dirty cloths in the hamper.  He goes to work, and gets home to find the cloths are not cleaned.  He ask:
Husband:  Why isnt the laundry done?
Wife:  Started the first load and the washing machine just died.  Can you fix it?
Husband:  What do I look like?  Maytag Man?  I've been at work all day, leave me alone.
Next day the husband goes to work, and when he arrives home, he sees the car parked in the driveway.  He walks in and ask the wife:
Husband:  Did you fix the car?
Wife:  No, I complained to the mail man and he said he would take a look at it.  Took him 10 minutes, and he got it back running.  I also told him about the washing machine, and he said he would look at it.  10 minutes later, it was running like new.
Husband:  He fixed both for free?
Wife:  No, he said he wanted to either sleep with me or bake him a cake.
Husband:  What kind of cake did you bake him?
Wife:  What do I look like?  Betty Crocker?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cimvv8/a_husband_buys_a_car_for_his_wife/
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I borrowed my drug dealer's shoes recently

I dont know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cimtlg/i_borrowed_my_drug_dealers_shoes_recently/
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What would a Communist parent say to her child who refuses to disclose his bad grades to her?

Quit Stalin and show me your Marx!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cimqbh/what_would_a_communist_parent_say_to_her_child/
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There’s a girl who can play a wooden instrument developed by Indigenous Australians.

I dig her, I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cimppx/theres_a_girl_who_can_play_a_wooden_instrument/
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Don't be mad about lazy people

Because they are not doing anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cimpnr/dont_be_mad_about_lazy_people/
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What do you call a meth-addicted bear with a chainsaw?

*TERRIFYING*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cimoft/what_do_you_call_a_methaddicted_bear_with_a/
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A buddy of mine told me he gets great nutritional value from eating poop.

Really, I just think he's full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cimn4b/a_buddy_of_mine_told_me_he_gets_great_nutritional/
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What did the suicide bombers son say when his son went off to an American college?

They blow up so quickly...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cim6x4/what_did_the_suicide_bombers_son_say_when_his_son/
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It was foreseeable that Jeff Bezos would destroy his marriage

After all, marriage is a sort of union.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cim325/it_was_foreseeable_that_jeff_bezos_would_destroy/
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What do you call a poor Italian neighborhood?

Spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cim0er/what_do_you_call_a_poor_italian_neighborhood/
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If the opposite of pro is con...

Then that must mean the opposite of progress is Congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cilunk/if_the_opposite_of_pro_is_con/
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Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.

The wife: I am coming with the broom.
Husband: It ain't urgent. You can come on foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciltsu/husband_honey_i_broke_a_glass_in_the_kitchen/
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Why should you never ask Rick Astley if you can borrow his Pixar movies collection?

Because he's never gonna give you 'UP'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cilshl/why_should_you_never_ask_rick_astley_if_you_can/
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Harry Potter wakes up in hospital.

"Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor. "You ran face first into a wall lmao"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cilpqz/harry_potter_wakes_up_in_hospital/
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A kid walks into an ice cream parlor

The kid strolls up the counter, and the employee asks the lad....
"What flavor would you like?"
He looks over the list of flavors, and after a brief moment he says...
"Chocolate!"
With a sad face, the employee looks down to the boy and says... "I'm sorry, we're all out lf chocolate." The boy seems unfazed by this, and looks at the flavors again, taking even longer, then he says... "I'll have chocolate!" The employee raises an eyebrow and says "I told you, we're all out of Chocolate." The child looks kver the list again, and declares "Chocolate." To which the employee responds, "We're out of Chocolate."
They go through this about five more times, until the employee speaks up. "Say, you're a smart lad, can you spell the 'Straw' in Strawberry?" He spells it out.
"Very good! Now, can you spell the 'Van' in vanilla?" He spells it out.
"Now, can you spell the 'Fuck' in chocolate?"
The child looks confused, and after taking a moment to think states... "There is no 'Fuck' in chocolate."
The employee says "That's right. There's no fuckin' chocolate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cilo8w/a_kid_walks_into_an_ice_cream_parlor/
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A dad and his young son are at the zoo.

They’re at the elephant enclosure and the little boy points to the elephants trunk and says, “Daddy, what is that?”
“That’s the elephants nose son.”
The elephant turns to the side and without warning, it’s massive penis is in full view.
“What’s that daddy?”
The dad, not wanting to deal with any awkwardness from his child, says,
“...uh, that’s it’s second nose...in case the first one gets stopped up.
A few days later the man gets home from work and his son runs up to him and says,
“I’m worried about mommy, I think she’s gonna get sick.”
“Why do you say that son?”
“Because she invited the mailman in today and I saw him sneeze right on her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cilnrw/a_dad_and_his_young_son_are_at_the_zoo/
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Two potatoes are standing on the street. How do you know which one is a prostitute?

one of them has a sticker that says idaho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cilmyt/two_potatoes_are_standing_on_the_street_how_do/
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I had an argument with my girlfriend in an elevator the other day

It was wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cilizg/i_had_an_argument_with_my_girlfriend_in_an/
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A cop was caught peeing in public while on duty today

The police commissioner spoke on behalf of the K9, and even called him a good boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cili13/a_cop_was_caught_peeing_in_public_while_on_duty/
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My friend keeps sending me bird puns

He doesn't realise toucan play that game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cilh95/my_friend_keeps_sending_me_bird_puns/
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A bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, “Thanks.”
I said, “Don’t mention it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cilc21/a_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
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A plateau

Is the highest form of flattery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cilb6e/a_plateau/
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just 2, but how did they get in there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cil86b/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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An old sperm and a young sperm were swimming towards the egg.

When the young sperm asked, "How long until we reach the egg?"
The old sperm replied, "it's gonna be a while, we just passed the tonsils."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cil73i/an_old_sperm_and_a_young_sperm_were_swimming/
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How do you stop your dog from barking in the backyard?

Put him in the front yard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cikxke/how_do_you_stop_your_dog_from_barking_in_the/
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You've gotta go for it!

A man walks down the street and sees a rope dangling down with a note: Climb the rope to success!
He shrugs, climbs the rope and reaches a platform. On it is a beautiful naked woman who tells him: "You can choose to stay here with me, or continue climbing the rope to success".
After some deliberation, he decides to keep climbing only to reach another platform. On it, yet another even more beautiful woman who offers him the same choice. "You may stay here with me, or keep climbing the rope to success".
Damn, he thinks, should I stay or keep going? He decides to press his luck. He reaches a third platform with an even more beautiful woman who makes the same offer. Well, shit, this keeps getting better and better! Climbing once again, he reaches a fourth and final platform. Pulling himself up, excited for what awaits, he meets the final occupant!
"Hi!", a man greets him, "My name is Cess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciku1l/youve_gotta_go_for_it/
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A small man admitted himself to rehab with a gambling addiction

It’s ok. He’s a little better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cikgtw/a_small_man_admitted_himself_to_rehab_with_a/
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The Moth joke (Norm McDonald)

So a moth walks into a podiatrist's office. The podiatrist says, "what's the problem?"
The moth says, "what's the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinovich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, i don't even know what i do there anymore. I don't even know if Gregory Illinovich knows. All he knows is he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness.
But I don't know, I wake up and I'm miserable. At night, sometimes I wake up and see an old lady in my arms that used to be the woman I loved. I hardly know her anymore. And my youngest, Suzanne. She fell to the harsh, bitter colds of last year, as so many of us have. And my other boy, Gregaro... I no longer love him. As much as it pains me, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I see in my own face when i look in the mirror. If only I weren't so cowardly, perhaps then I could find the strength to reach for the cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all. Doc, I- I feel like a spider, even though I'm a moth, just barely hanging onto my web with an everlasting fire beneath me. I'm not feeling good."
The doctor says, "Moth, man, you're troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist, why on earth did you come here?"
And the moth says, "because the light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cikfbu/the_moth_joke_norm_mcdonald/
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Genders are like the Twin Towers...

There used to be two of them, but now its just a sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cikdp1/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
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Why can't you tell jokes about the Rev. Jim Jones?

The punchline is too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cik6xm/why_cant_you_tell_jokes_about_the_rev_jim_jones/
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I was walking passed a farm and a sign said ‘Duck, eggs’.

I thought, that’s an unnecessary comma. And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cijw2h/i_was_walking_passed_a_farm_and_a_sign_said_duck/
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How does a cow hide from predators?

Ca-moooo-flage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cijuvg/how_does_a_cow_hide_from_predators/
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A blind man walks into a bar.

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog.
He proceeds to aproach the bar and take a seat on a stool.
As the bartender begins to walk over, the blind man grabs the dog tightly by the collar and throws the dog over his head, swinging him around in circles by the leash.
The bartender screams
"Woah Woah Woah what the hell is wrong with you man, what are you doing?!"
To which the blind man replies
"Relax buddy, I'm just taking a look around"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cijui8/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What’s the difference between a car and a frog?

A frog can’t be toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cijld7/whats_the_difference_between_a_car_and_a_frog/
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Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cijje4/twenty_years_from_now_kids_are_gonna_think_baby/
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How do you get your wife to scream during sex?

Call her and tell her about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cijh2l/how_do_you_get_your_wife_to_scream_during_sex/
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I made a belt out of watches once...

...it was a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cijdkl/i_made_a_belt_out_of_watches_once/
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A man recycled 365 used Condoms.

Pirelli have turned into a Tyre and called it a "Goodyear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cijcwt/a_man_recycled_365_used_condoms/
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How do astronauts organise a party?

They planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cij16e/how_do_astronauts_organise_a_party/
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Which of king Arthurs knights built the round table?

Sir...Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cij0u0/which_of_king_arthurs_knights_built_the_round/
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Have you met my vegetarian girlfriend?

No, I've never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciirec/have_you_met_my_vegetarian_girlfriend/
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I was gonna make a joke on procrastination

I’ll finish it later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciiglo/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_on_procrastination/
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A priest lost his prized Rooster one day

He looked everywhere for it, but could not find it. The following Sunday, he made an announcement at mass:
"Anyone who has a cock, please stand up". All the men stood up
"No, no. Anyone who seen a cock stand up". Most of the congregation stood up
"No. Anyone who'd grabbed someone else's cock please stand up". Half the women and several men stood up
Frustrated,  the priest yelled "EVERYONE WHO HAS SEEN MY COCK PLEASE STAND UP!"
All the children stood up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciic0g/a_priest_lost_his_prized_rooster_one_day/
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I bought a warehouse full of soup stock

Now I'm a bouillonaire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciiayd/i_bought_a_warehouse_full_of_soup_stock/
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I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cii9ad/i_know_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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What do Jamaicans call their fingers?

*Digimons*
P.S. my wife wanted a divorce after this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cii7pp/what_do_jamaicans_call_their_fingers/
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I don’t use straws.

Straws are for suckers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cii616/i_dont_use_straws/
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Do you know where I can rent a church singing group?

Sir,do you mean a choir?
Fine,yes,do you know how much it is to aquire a church singing group?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cii5ds/do_you_know_where_i_can_rent_a_church_singing/
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Porn is a lot like a fight between Mike Tyson and some guy in a pub

It's never gonna last the full bout, and 99% of the audience is only there to see one of the players

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cii4mc/porn_is_a_lot_like_a_fight_between_mike_tyson_and/
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A man goes to the doctor.

Man: "Doctor, I have this problem."
Doctor: "What is the issue?"
Man: "Everytime I'm driving with my friends, we go through this tunnel, and I just can't control myself. I freak right out."
Doctor: "Sounds like you have Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cii30c/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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What do you call the cleavage between the breast implants?

Silicon valley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cii207/what_do_you_call_the_cleavage_between_the_breast/
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A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy

Doc say's 'that looks nasty'.
She say's 'Nasty? That's just the tip of the iceberg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cii1o8/a_woman_goes_to_her_doctor_with_a_bit_of_lettuce/
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I asked my friend how to spell water.

Friend: HIJKLMNO
Me: umm ok, that doesnt sound right.
Friend: yeah bruh...H to O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cihx4l/i_asked_my_friend_how_to_spell_water/
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What do you call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator~~ Fucking terrifying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cihvs6/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_thats_really_good/
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A boy has a question about God

Sorry if this has been posted before. I just heard it and I’ve never seen it on here before.
There was a boy that had a question about God. He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer. The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words. The question is so challenging that he could not give an answer. Unwilling to let the boy go unsatisfied without an answer, the priest takes the boy to a local bishop that knows even more about religion than the priest
The boy approaches the bishop and asks him the same question. Again, the bishop has no answer that will satisfy any of the parties. Seeing that the boy is getting discouraged that no one can answer the question the bishop sends the boy directly to the Vatican to talk to the pope.
This pope was very popular among the people. And he knew everything. He was so smart they called him Pope The Wise. The boy walks up to the pope and asks him the question. The pope begins to answer but then gets choked up and realized that not even he has the answer for the question.
As all hope was just about to be lost, an old nun walks into the room. The nun asks the boy to ask her this famous question and the boy does. The nun formulates the most perfect answer to the boys question. Almost everyone rejoices and all is good.
Except the pope looks a little upset. He exclaims
“This is impossible! Explain to me how a simple nun could be smarter than me! Pope The Wise!”
But she was Nun The Wiser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cihpcm/a_boy_has_a_question_about_god/
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What happens when you run behind a car?

Well, you get...
exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cihm7r/what_happens_when_you_run_behind_a_car/
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What happened to the lost cattle?

Nobody's herd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cihhxx/what_happened_to_the_lost_cattle/
%
-That's a nice ass shirt!

- Thank you! But actually it's called pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cih6ci/thats_a_nice_ass_shirt/
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I had a terrible nightmare that I got arrested for drunk driving

It scared me so bad I woke up, drove out of the ditch and went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cigxpq/i_had_a_terrible_nightmare_that_i_got_arrested/
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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"
The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"
The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as hard as we can! Our air will flip the boat and all the men will fall in the water and drown!"
Second whale says "Okay, lets do it".
So they get their lungs full, they dive down beneath the boats hidden from the whalers. They blow as hard as they can and flip the boat with literal ease.
The whales swim back and watch as the men struggle to survive.
The first whale looks to the second and says "Man, they really aren't drowning like I wanted them to, we've got to do something!"
Second whale says, "Okay, what would you like to do?"
First whale says, "Lets eat them!"
Second whale stops him and says "Whoa, whoa, whoa, I agreed to the blow job, but i'm not swallowing the seamen."
Love this joke. Had to repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cigxmp/two_whales_are_swimming_in_the_ocean_when_the/
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After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards.

It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie Host.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cigucr/after_my_sons_team_won_the_soccer_tournament_the/
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A Real Bad Day !

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.
Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road.
But once his pants were around his ankles, she pulled out a gun, bound his wrists to his ankles, robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off in his car.
After hopping beside the road for miles, a trucker happened along and stopped. "What happened?" asked the trucker and the man explained his plight.
The trucker got out of his rig, unzipped his pants, and said, "This just ain't your day, is it, boy?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cigsul/a_real_bad_day/
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What have an orgasm and a pulse in common?

It doesn’t matter if she has one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cigelh/what_have_an_orgasm_and_a_pulse_in_common/
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on reddit, there's earth porn, laser cleaning porn, FoodPorn, etc.

i love animals, i'll never be the same after searching for animal porn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cig9wc/on_reddit_theres_earth_porn_laser_cleaning_porn/
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What do you call currency in space?

Starbucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cig5rc/what_do_you_call_currency_in_space/
%
A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."
The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."
The doctor says, "Mine is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cig0t4/a_man_is_in_an_emergency_room_complaining_of/
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My life.

Boom haha funny joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cig0it/my_life/
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Two toasters are sitting on a counter. One turns to the other and says "do you sometimes feel empty?"

The other toaster turns and says "oh my god! A TALKING TOASTER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cifom1/two_toasters_are_sitting_on_a_counter_one_turns/
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Yo momma so fat

she doesn't support NTFS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cifgue/yo_momma_so_fat/
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Ancient Rome

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?
A glad-he-ate-her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cif8zj/ancient_rome/
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I just had lunch with a champion chess player

Took her 8 minutes to pass the salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cif8fg/i_just_had_lunch_with_a_champion_chess_player/
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A con man is arrested for conning several women out of their jewelry.

The sheriff's prison is full and doesn't have the budget to hold him anywhere else so that weekend he ties the man to a pole and creates two lines. In one line citizens pay a dollar to punch him in the face, in the other they pay five dollars to kick him in the balls.
On the final day one guy pays his one dollar and waits his turn. When he gets up to the cob man he notices the mans face is so beat up and bloody that it's impossible to recognize who he is anymore and questions what punching him would even accomplish. So, he winds his leg back and nails him the balls.
The sheriff runs up to him and yells, "Hey, you can't do that!"
The man asks, "Why not"
The sheriff replied, "This is the punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciew4w/a_con_man_is_arrested_for_conning_several_women/
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Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cieua3/just_spent_300_on_a_limousine_and_discovered_that/
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I saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall earlier.

It was a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cie34d/i_saw_a_dwarf_prisoner_climbing_down_a_wall/
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My dream is to eradicate all Cancers..

And then I can work on Libras..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cie1q3/my_dream_is_to_eradicate_all_cancers/
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Why is "dark" spelled with a "K" and not with a "C"? .

Because you can't "C" in the dark. 😂😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cidw37/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_with_a_c/
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What do you call it when worms take over the world?

Global Worming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cidvz0/what_do_you_call_it_when_worms_take_over_the_world/
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Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked?

Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
*edit*
Thanks for the sliver kind person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cidrbj/why_did_the_blonde_enter_the_tennis_courts_naked/
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We never serve women at the bar!

You'll have to bring your own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cidn1y/we_never_serve_women_at_the_bar/
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A woman is sleeping in bed with her husband

In her sleep, she says in a loud whisper “Quick get out! My husband’s home!”
The husband jumps out the window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cidmqv/a_woman_is_sleeping_in_bed_with_her_husband/
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A man walks into a bar and says “a round on me, I’m getting married”

“I had to make a difficult decision between 3 women”
The bartender asks “oh yeah, how so?”
“Well,” says the man “I had 3 potential brides so I decided to do an experiment. I gave each woman $1000 to see what they would do with it.”
The man goes on “the first was Lucy. She spent the money all on herself. New dresses and makeup. On  our next date, she looked stunning”
“The next girl was Joan. She invested the money as a nest egg for our future. On our next date, she talked about all the things we could do with the profits “
“The 3rd girl was Sally. She gave all the money to charity. On our next date, she told me how she felt giving back was the best thing a person can do. “
“Hmm quite a difficult choice” said the bartender
“Definitely was,” said the man, “but in the end I chose Sally”
“So you decided that giving to charity was the best use of the money?” asked the bartender.
“No” the man replied back “Sally just has the biggest tits”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cidedi/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_a_round_on_me_im/
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Me: Dad, my dog has a fever, what should I do

Dad: Get some mustard
Me: Why
Dad: It's the best thing for a hot dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciddn5/me_dad_my_dog_has_a_fever_what_should_i_do/
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Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says, “Circus Looking for New Talents..."

Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus. A lady answers him.
“Hello,” she says.
“Hi, is this the circus?”
“Yes.”
“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”
"You've heard correctly, sir. What is your name?"
"Alex."
"Well then, Alex, what makes you think you can join a circus?"
“Well, I have several talents… for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.”
“That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think you should look elsewhere for a job."
“No, no, wait! I… I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!”
“Sir, I really don’t think you understand the concept of a circus…”
“No, please, I… I… I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards!”
"Goodbye, sir." She hangs up the phone.
Alex sits there sadly for five seconds, until he realizes he forgot something.
“Oh crap! I forgot to tell her I’m a horse!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciddby/alex_sees_an_ad_in_the_newspaper_that_says_circus/
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Did you hear about the guy who dipped his Testicles in glitter??

Pretty nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cidd1w/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_dipped_his/
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Dave joins the navy...

Dave joins the navy.
On his first day of service, he sets off in a submarine which regularly patrols some islands which his country owns. His jobs is to clean the men's toilets.
Halfway through his second day, Dave's commanding officer tells him he's getting a new, higher paying job: Janitor duty. Now, instead of the bathrooms, Dave mops the floors, scrubs the walls, and cleans the cafeteria. (It's small, so it's not much.)
At the end of his fourth day, he's moved to cleaning the *exterior* of the sub. So Dave puts on a scuba suit the next day and gets to work.
Finally, before lights out his sixth day, Dave's told to work the kitchens, making food for the other soldiers until further notice. Well, he's had enough.
He decides to ask one of the other cooks about it the next day.
"Hey, is it normal to have to keep switching jobs here?" Dave asks Russ, the head cook, while preparing the potatoes for the next meal.
"Oh, of course. This sub is full of reposts. Say, are you going to the party later tonight?" Russ replies, clearly used to hearing the question from new recruits.
"Yeah. 23.00, right?"
"Yeah. That's why we're making all the extra food."
So they finish their day's work and get freshen up for the party. Dave looks pretty sharp, in his own words.
At the party, he interacts with all of the other soldiers in the sub, including a very pretty girl from the navigation team named Alexis. They talk, and decide to go get some drinks from the tables.
There's beer, wine, water, maple syrup, soda, punch, jello shots, etc. You know, all the good stuff. It's too bad that most of the drinks have a long line waiting to get them, though.
"There's lines for the wine, beer, *and* the jello shots!" Alexis pouts, starting to walk away, back towards the other people.
"Hey!" Dave says, making her turn around, "At least there's no punch line!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cida4y/dave_joins_the_navy/
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People frequently tell me I'm condescending.

(meaning I talk down to people)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cid8af/people_frequently_tell_me_im_condescending/
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What did the pig say when somebody told him he was making cupcakes all wrong?

Listen, I’ve been bacon my whole life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cid5mb/what_did_the_pig_say_when_somebody_told_him_he/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cid2xk/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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Why doesn't Donald Trump wear glasses?

BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAS 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cicxsl/why_doesnt_donald_trump_wear_glasses/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high

She seemed surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cicvwp/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_on_too/
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Two students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside
External :-  Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?
Student:- I will open the window.
External :- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compartment is 12 m3, the train is travelling at 80 km/hr in a Westerly direction and the speed of the wind is 5 m/s from the South, then how much time will  it take for the compartment to get cold?
The student can't answer, so he is marked fail and he comes out. After coming out he tells that question to the second student.
The second student goes in and his viva starts.
External :- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?
2nd Student :- I will remove my coat.
External :- It still is hot, then what?
Student:- I will remove my shirt.
External (angrily) :- If it still is hot, then what will you do?
Student:- I will remove my pant.
External (Fuming) :- And what if you die due to the heat?
Student:- Even if I die of the heat, I will not open the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cicuu0/two_students_are_waiting_to_give_their_oral_viva/
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"I threw my neighbor into a nuclear reactor and now he's dead. What should I do?!"

"Barium"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cict4p/i_threw_my_neighbor_into_a_nuclear_reactor_and/
%
What do you call the border of Finland?

The Finnish line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cicshb/what_do_you_call_the_border_of_finland/
%
Where does milk come from?

- A Cow
Where does chocolate milk come from?
- A Cacao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cicrqa/where_does_milk_come_from/
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Someone threw my 70s records on the fire.

It was a disco inferno.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cicqf0/someone_threw_my_70s_records_on_the_fire/
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Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.
No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cicmco/which_is_heavier_one_gallon_of_water_or_10/
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I got summoned for jury duty today...

When my name was eventually called, this blonde bombshell prosecutor looked me up and down then immediately dismissed me.
Something about not wanting to risk a "hung jury".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cick4j/i_got_summoned_for_jury_duty_today/
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What do you call an imaginary color?

A pigment of your imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cic8i8/what_do_you_call_an_imaginary_color/
%
What do you call a seagull living in San Francisco?

A baygull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cic4fh/what_do_you_call_a_seagull_living_in_san_francisco/
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Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandanavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cic0zs/why_does_the_norway_navy_have_bar_codes_on_the/
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Mathematician: Doctor, I have a fear of the irrational

Doctor: Don't worry mate, all the things u worry about are just imaginary
Mathematician: That makes it even worse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cibyaz/mathematician_doctor_i_have_a_fear_of_the/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never paid $50 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciburq/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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My friends dont talk to me because of my obsession with Linkin park

but in the end, it doesnt even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cibqg8/my_friends_dont_talk_to_me_because_of_my/
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A child asked his father

, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cibm48/a_child_asked_his_father/
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What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cibkvb/what_do_you_call_two_monkeys_that_share_an_amazon/
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Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm?

Because he couldn't resistor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cibkq1/why_did_mr_ohm_marry_mrs_ohm/
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What did you call a fish with four eyes? A fiiiish! What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cibkbw/what_did_you_call_a_fish_with_four_eyes_a_fiiiish/
%
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and ask "Do you mind if i say a word?"

"No,go right ahead", the woman replies.
The man stands,clears his throat,says "Plethora",and sits back down.
"Thanks",the woman says," that means alot".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cibaog/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
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Why are panthers so much stealthier than their jaguar and leopard cousins?

Because they're never spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cibabz/why_are_panthers_so_much_stealthier_than_their/
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So I'm dyslexic, and I just watched The Hobbit.

I loved the movie so much, I decided to start collecting plastic figurines of all the characters, after many months, I only needed Bilbo, so I ordered him online. There wasn't a picture, but it was a really good price. I think it was so cheap because it said used. But I didn't mind.
So, basically, someone sent me a dick in the mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cib4r0/so_im_dyslexic_and_i_just_watched_the_hobbit/
%
Why did the hippie drown?

Because he was too far out, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciaysi/why_did_the_hippie_drown/
%
Everyone thinks that unicorns never existed but it turns out they actually just went extinct

Ironically they weren't horny enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciaxwo/everyone_thinks_that_unicorns_never_existed_but/
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What's the feeling you get after polishing a peanut?

Post nut clarity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciav8z/whats_the_feeling_you_get_after_polishing_a_peanut/
%
A good way to get a girls attention is to compliment her

As in: "You are a fast runner, you nearly got away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciau49/a_good_way_to_get_a_girls_attention_is_to/
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My mom and dad were both dwarfs

All their lives they struggled to put food on the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cias4u/my_mom_and_dad_were_both_dwarfs/
%
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?

‘Cos it’s dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciarl7/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_toilet/
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If I had a dollar for every gender...

I'd have 2 bucks and a bunch of counterfeits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciark0/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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How do you get two catholic priests to fight in a bar?

You toss in a little boy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciaqz1/how_do_you_get_two_catholic_priests_to_fight_in_a/
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I think some of my coworkers must be gay.

Every time I walk past, I hear those mutter, “What an ass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciap8d/i_think_some_of_my_coworkers_must_be_gay/
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A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity

Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance,
figuring the wind direction and speed.
Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says,
"What's taking so long?
Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me
from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciamx2/a_golfer_stood_over_his_tee_shot_for_what_seemed/
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What’s the speed limit for sex?

68.
Because at 69 you eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciamg6/whats_the_speed_limit_for_sex/
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What do you call a bunch of people in line for smoked ribs and brisket?

A Bar-B-Queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciaj3g/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_people_in_line_for/
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Date

Woman: How about we go out for dinner tonight?
Man: I don’t date married women, I’m sorry...
Woman: ...but I’m your wife
Man: I make no exceptions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciahlu/date/
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How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama installed it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciagtw/how_do_you_get_trump_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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My gf and I stopped seeing each other.

We intend to sue the eye surgeon next week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ciae3a/my_gf_and_i_stopped_seeing_each_other/
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Did you hear diarrhea was hereditary?

It runs through your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cia8zi/did_you_hear_diarrhea_was_hereditary/
%
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

"Pop!" goes the Weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cia7wa/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_says_wow/
%
Why did the clock store go out of business?

They had terrible hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cia5l3/why_did_the_clock_store_go_out_of_business/
%
I was at a swimming pool with poop in my pants but they came off me and floated away

That's when i lost my shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cia2mt/i_was_at_a_swimming_pool_with_poop_in_my_pants/
%
My name is Carmen

A guy met a girl in a bar.
Guy: hi, pretty. Whats your name?
Girl: hi! My name is carmen.
Guy: thats a beautiful name. Did your mother gave it to you?
Girl: no, i gave it to myself because it has the two thing i love most. Car and men!
Guy: i like that.
Girl: whats your name?
Guy: i’m beerfuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cia2da/my_name_is_carmen/
%
I just got a prostate exam.

I have a very thorough dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cia08o/i_just_got_a_prostate_exam/
%
The Doctor informed me that I need to stop masterbating... so I asked why?

He said, "I'm trying to do your check up"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci9x0u/the_doctor_informed_me_that_i_need_to_stop/
%
What's the greatest problem with political jokes?

They get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci9rud/whats_the_greatest_problem_with_political_jokes/
%
What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money?

Pennywise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci9m4y/what_do_you_call_a_demon_clown_that_is_good_with/
%
I said to my wife, "Our relationship is a lot like a Disney movie."

"Aww... That's cute,"  she giggled, "I'm your princess and you are my charming prince?"
"Not exactly"  I said. "I've fucked seven dwarfs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci9ltw/i_said_to_my_wife_our_relationship_is_a_lot_like/
%
I heard Lorena Bobbitt was recently killed in a car crash

Apparently some dick cut her off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci9ksy/i_heard_lorena_bobbitt_was_recently_killed_in_a/
%
My son

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci9gf4/my_son/
%
A friend asked me if I'd ever had a paranormal experience.

I said I'd been ghosted by numerous people.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci968j/a_friend_asked_me_if_id_ever_had_a_paranormal/
%
What do you call 2 people who think the pull out method is effective contraception?

Parents.
(Also works with 'rhythm method')

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci92n1/what_do_you_call_2_people_who_think_the_pull_out/
%
What is the difference between a potato and a chickpea?

You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci91he/what_is_the_difference_between_a_potato_and_a/
%
I always get made fun of for never saying phrases correctly

I guess I never really was the brightest book in the shed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci8zge/i_always_get_made_fun_of_for_never_saying_phrases/
%
My friend just had a convo with "Microsoft support"

I was just about to hang up when they called me, but my friend had a brilliant way of handling them.
Totally legit Microsoft support: “Hi. This is John Alex from Microsoft Support. We have detected a virus on your computer. Don't mind the fact that I can't pronounce 'Microsoft' properly," in his Indian accent.
Friend: "Really? That's bad. Do you happen to know which computer?"
Totally legit Microsoft support: "Do you have more than one computer?"
Friend: "Yes, I have 7 of them."
\*short silence\*
Totally legit Microsoft support: "Why do you have 7 computers?"
Friend: "I work in tech support."
Totally legit Microsoft support: "Oh... For what company?"
Friend: "Microsoft."
Totally legit Microsoft support: \*muffled\* "Oh dear."
\*call ended\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci8ybt/my_friend_just_had_a_convo_with_microsoft_support/
%
President Trump is sleeping one night

when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goes back to sleep. He is woken up a short time later by the ghost of Franklin Roosevelt sitting at the foot of his bed. "Frankie, my boy, what can I do to be a better president?' FDR thinks a moment and says, 'You have to put the people first.' Once again Trump doesn't like this answer, yells for security, and FDR disappears. Trump is once again awakened by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln at the foot of his bed. "Abe, my boy, how can I be a better president?' Abe thinks for a moment and responds, 'Go to the theater more.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci8u9o/president_trump_is_sleeping_one_night/
%
Why can’t a gay guy win an argument?

Because he can’t get his facts straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci8jbc/why_cant_a_gay_guy_win_an_argument/
%
A man is caught naked at work by his co-worker.

"I can't believe this! Are you having sex with her?", his coworker exclaimed.
"She was just lying there naked. What was I supposed to do?", the man replied.
"The autopsy, you fucking moron!"
"Hey - don't tell me how to do my job!"
"You are the worst vet I've ever met."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci8ghy/a_man_is_caught_naked_at_work_by_his_coworker/
%
I started a job today at the local cemetery...

The boss wanted me to start 3 graves for some upcoming burials. I went to the maintenance shed to get the backhoe. I didn't see it inside. I found the head of maintenance. A hippie looking guy straight out of the 60's. Long hair, tie dye shirt, peace symbol necklace, bandanna. The whole nine yards. The textbook definition of a hippie. He was even smoking a joint with another one tucked behind hid ear for later on.
I asked where the backhoe was and he said "We don't use those machines. They aren't cool man. They pollute and it ain't good for mother nature. None of the dead can't rest in peace with these machine polluting the air and the ground." He then went on a 30 minute rant about the corporations who make backhoes and how they pollute and hide their money from the IRS and how they don't like hippies.
He then handed me a shovel and said, "You Dig?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci84n7/i_started_a_job_today_at_the_local_cemetery/
%
What do you call your Japanese Sister's daughter?

A Japaneice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci83pg/what_do_you_call_your_japanese_sisters_daughter/
%
I cry every time I make love. You know why?

Mace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci8070/i_cry_every_time_i_make_love_you_know_why/
%
I had a relationship with a blind girl

It was rewarding yet challenging.  It took ages to get her husband's voice right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci7zr1/i_had_a_relationship_with_a_blind_girl/
%
What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and the Queen?

Murdered in a tunnel in France.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci7zjv/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_prince_charles_and/
%
A black guy, Jew and a homosexual walks into the bar

What a fine example of an integrated community

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci7qtt/a_black_guy_jew_and_a_homosexual_walks_into_the/
%
My wife said childbirth was the worst pain, until I told her how I once landed barefoot on a huge pile of toy bricks.

She didn't have a Lego to stand on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci7pay/my_wife_said_childbirth_was_the_worst_pain_until/
%
Australian Guy on honeymoon and his Wife slips and damages her pussy.

He calls his mate and explains what has happened, his mate says bummer mate, he replies fucking hell Bruce didn't think of that I owe you a beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci7lkk/australian_guy_on_honeymoon_and_his_wife_slips/
%
What did the veggie burger say to the taco?

Yo soy burger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci7l6m/what_did_the_veggie_burger_say_to_the_taco/
%
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it's race-related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci7l4n/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_was_shot_with_a/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Make the alterboy fart in her pussy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci7jlc/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face"?

Unable to speak, the horse shits on the floor and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci7idk/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_bartender_says_why_the/
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci7gfz/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why do you never hear jokes about drinking straws?

Because they all suck.
(Joke my 10-year old came up with while we were at Wendy's and he was trying to think up restaurant jokes.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci7fke/why_do_you_never_hear_jokes_about_drinking_straws/
%
That's a nice ham you got there...

...be a shame if someone...
...put an 's' at the start and an 'e' at the end....
...wouldn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci7f3q/thats_a_nice_ham_you_got_there/
%
I asked my husband whether I’m the only one he’s been with

He said yes, all the others were 9’s and 10’s.
Send bail money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci78vn/i_asked_my_husband_whether_im_the_only_one_hes/
%
With great powers....

...comes greater difficulty in factorising the polynomial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci76xz/with_great_powers/
%
I like my men how I like my women.

That’s it. That’s the joke. I’m asexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci76i5/i_like_my_men_how_i_like_my_women/
%
The 2020 election results are in!

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci6t73/the_2020_election_results_are_in/
%
Why did the unvaccinated 2 year old start crying?

Because he was having a mid life crisis!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci6ssk/why_did_the_unvaccinated_2_year_old_start_crying/
%
Me: Someone we know is possessed by an owl.

Friend: Who?
Me: [narrows eyes]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci6rm3/me_someone_we_know_is_possessed_by_an_owl/
%
What's the difference between my wife and my student loans?

My student loans fuck me with interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci6p04/whats_the_difference_between_my_wife_and_my/
%
Yo mama so fat

Thanos had to clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci6ncs/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf

I haven’t heard from him since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci6bos/two_years_ago_my_doctor_told_me_i_was_going_deaf/
%
Why can't a bike stand on its own?

Because it's too tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci6b1d/why_cant_a_bike_stand_on_its_own/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci6ajz/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
Did you hear about the person who got cooled to absolute zero?

Yeah he fukin' died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci68uw/did_you_hear_about_the_person_who_got_cooled_to/
%
Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be two and now it's a sensitive subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci64br/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
What’s the difference between porcupines and BMWs?

Porcupines have pricks on the *outside*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci5wwx/whats_the_difference_between_porcupines_and_bmws/
%
It is perfectly fine to use the word "Retard" when talking about slowing down a fire.

Such as: "HEY RETARD! GRAB THAT FIRE EXTINGUISHER BEFORE WE ALL DIE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci5wnp/it_is_perfectly_fine_to_use_the_word_retard_when/
%
What is the speed limit for sex?

68 MPH. Why? Because once you hit 69 you have to turn around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci5tz6/what_is_the_speed_limit_for_sex/
%
My wrists must be corners...

because I sure love cutting them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci5ro2/my_wrists_must_be_corners/
%
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci5rit/after_nigeria_was_eliminated_from_the_world_cup/
%
Sometimes I put lots of stuff in the cart and leave without paying.

What are your online shopping habits?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci5ldl/sometimes_i_put_lots_of_stuff_in_the_cart_and/
%
Short Joke:

My Dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci5h6w/short_joke/
%
A black man goes to a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer, the cashier asks him where he got him

The parrot said Africa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci5f2q/a_black_man_goes_to_a_tavern_with_a_parrot_on_his/
%
If run behind the bus you'll get exhausted.

But, if you run in front of the bus you'll get tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci5d81/if_run_behind_the_bus_youll_get_exhausted/
%
I have decided to make a subreddit for all of us procrastinators. Feel free to follow it.

I'll be creating it tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci5d02/i_have_decided_to_make_a_subreddit_for_all_of_us/
%
Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci580b/why_do_german_girls_all_have_the_same_phone_number/
%
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not 9 cause my basement’s still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci56du/how_many_dead_babies_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why will Congress never impeach Trump?

Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci53dp/why_will_congress_never_impeach_trump/
%
With great reflexes...

Comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci52ih/with_great_reflexes/
%
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away

A whim away,
A whim away,
A whim away,
A whim away,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci4v9z/the_urge_to_sing_the_lion_sleeps_tonight_is/
%
Why did Beethoven go to the car dealership?

Fur a lease

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci4tyk/why_did_beethoven_go_to_the_car_dealership/
%
A man smoked drugs, played the piaono, and died.....

Needless to say, it ended on a high note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci4ot5/a_man_smoked_drugs_played_the_piaono_and_died/
%
A terrorist tried to blow up a bus..

He failed, he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci4o3d/a_terrorist_tried_to_blow_up_a_bus/
%
How did one-two-three cat beat un-deux-trois cat in their boat race?

Un-deux-trois cat sank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci4ik2/how_did_onetwothree_cat_beat_undeuxtrois_cat_in/
%
A day before his fifteenth birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, “Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?”

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
”Dearest father,” the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
“Father,” the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'
`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
`I- I-'
Then he died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci4flm/a_day_before_his_fifteenth_birthday_the_son_of_a/
%
What do you call a black man flying a plane ?

A pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci49xk/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_flying_a_plane/
%
Eskimo prostitutes.

Are they considered snow blowers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci4383/eskimo_prostitutes/
%
Why does Python live on land?

Because it's above C-level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci432a/why_does_python_live_on_land/
%
Me: I have a fear of abbreviated US state names

Therapist: OH, OK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci40hu/me_i_have_a_fear_of_abbreviated_us_state_names/
%
I'm afraid to try bungie jumping.

Was already born because of broken rubber, don't want to die because of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci3wmk/im_afraid_to_try_bungie_jumping/
%
What do the Vatican and Area 51 have in common?

They are both probing Uranus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci3viy/what_do_the_vatican_and_area_51_have_in_common/
%
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path

after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where ya been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrrst prrrrize!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci3ski/a_kilted_scotsman_was_walking_down_a_country_path/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci3l3t/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
A communist joke isn't funny...

Unless everyone gets it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci3kww/a_communist_joke_isnt_funny/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair....

She came back crawling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci3kc0/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_stole_her/
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Secret to Marriage

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!" The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci3j1w/secret_to_marriage/
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A Daughter is at her Farther's deathbed

She hasn't seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left. "Dad, i'm sorry," she whispers... "Goodbye sorry" he said, "i'm dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci3euk/a_daughter_is_at_her_farthers_deathbed/
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I told my doctor, “I have a problem with the hearing in one of my ears.”

He said, “Are you sure?”
I said, “Yes, I’m definite.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci3egt/i_told_my_doctor_i_have_a_problem_with_the/
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A moral prostitute is like an annoying turd

They stink up the house and won't go down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci3cb4/a_moral_prostitute_is_like_an_annoying_turd/
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My wife and I's marriage is built upon love and understanding.

She doesn't love me, and i don't understand her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci3abl/my_wife_and_is_marriage_is_built_upon_love_and/
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I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk...

But I never got the chants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci38yd/i_always_wanted_to_be_a_gregorian_monk/
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How did the organic vegetable die?

Natural causes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci30vc/how_did_the_organic_vegetable_die/
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The guy who invented USB died...

At the funeral they had to do a 180 with his coffin to get it in the hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2znr/the_guy_who_invented_usb_died/
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The teacher asked her student : "Are there any classes you're struggling with? "

"The bourgeoisie" he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2ylt/the_teacher_asked_her_student_are_there_any/
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A Park Ranger is patrolling one day

When he passes what appears to be a young fisherman carrying 5 fish in a bucket.
"Excuse me sir! You can't fish here. This is a National Park and all species are protected. I am going to have to take you to the Ranger Station."
"But sir, I didn't catch these fish here. These are my pet fish. Herman, Billy, Cathy, Stewart and Fred come with me every day to the park to exercise.
I take them to the river and dump them out. They swim around for about 5 minutes and then are trained to jump right back in the bucket."
The Park Ranger looks at the man in disbelief. "That's not possible."
"Here, follow me and I will show you!" Says the fisherman.
The 2 men walk to the river where the fisherman dumps the 5 fish in and they wait.
3 minutes...4 minutes...5 minutes...
"All right I have had enough!" Exclaims the Ranger.  "Where are the fish?"
The man replies with a grin,
"What fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2wli/a_park_ranger_is_patrolling_one_day/
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What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was cast in a movie about famous composers?

"I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2vsc/what_did_arnold_schwarzenegger_say_when_he_was/
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What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

Ones heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Credit: u/Haas19

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2vf7/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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I was offered a job as a noise pollution officer...

But I had to turn it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2ukt/i_was_offered_a_job_as_a_noise_pollution_officer/
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Woke up this morning and suddenly remembered this dream where my arms had become cat limbs.

I was so shocked that I had two paws for a moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2tfk/woke_up_this_morning_and_suddenly_remembered_this/
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Did you hear about the art thieves that got caught?

They didn’t have the Monet, for Degas, to make the Van Gogh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2t4t/did_you_hear_about_the_art_thieves_that_got_caught/
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Why don't pot smokers run in weighted clothing?

It's bad for your joints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2rfr/why_dont_pot_smokers_run_in_weighted_clothing/
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So I heard that my cousin is gay.

Apparently in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2q4l/so_i_heard_that_my_cousin_is_gay/
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NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?
Man: No, she just lays there like her mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2pwf/nsfw_a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_to_get_birth/
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Oh, Little Johnny.....at it again

One day, about a week prior to his birthday, Little Johnny’s dad asks, “Johnny, I know your birthday is coming up, and your mother and I really want it to be a good one, but with your mother losing her job recently, and the fact that we have a $280,000 mortgage, we may not be able to spend too much.”
Johnny thinks about this for a moment, and says, “Okay dad. All I really want is a new 10-speed bicycle,” and promptly shows his dad the bike in an ad online.
“Johnny, that bike is a little too much for us. Why don’t you think about some other things tonight and give me some more ideas tomorrow. Just keep in mind we have a large mortgage and your mother is looking for another job.”
That night, Johnny barely slept. His mind wandering to and fro, unable to think of another gift idea. At some point around midnight, he got out of bed to use the bathroom. As he walked past his parents’ room afterwards, he heard what sounded like a very heated discussion...
His father loudly proclaimed, “Oh honey, I’m gonna go, I’m gonna go!”
Then, his mother, “That’s it! That’s it! I’m coming too!”
Puzzled, Johnny ran back to his bedroom and hid under his sheets.
The next morning, Johnny’s father is sitting at the table, drinking his coffee and scrolling through Reddit, when he sees Little Johnny walk past him dragging a suitcase.
“Johnny, what on earth are you doing?”
“Dad, last night I heard that little discussion between you and mom. You said you were going, and mom was coming too. I’ll be goddamned if I’m stuck here by myself with a fucking $280,000 mortgage and no 10-speed bicycle!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2pqf/oh_little_johnnyat_it_again/
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Did you hear that rumour about butter?

No? Well I'm not going to spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2opb/did_you_hear_that_rumour_about_butter/
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My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2mvq/my_girlfriend_wishes_i_had_the_body_of_thor_but_i/
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There’s too many perverts in the park nowadays.

I was sat there earlier and everyone kept staring at my erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2m3i/theres_too_many_perverts_in_the_park_nowadays/
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When you clean out a vacuum cleaner.

You become a vacuum cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2m21/when_you_clean_out_a_vacuum_cleaner/
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Why did the Pharaoh visit the dentist?

Because Egypt his tooth...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2clk/why_did_the_pharaoh_visit_the_dentist/
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When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...

He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci2bjr/when_miss_acid_told_her_husband_mr_alkali_she_was/
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Why did the chicken hold a seance?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci28lv/why_did_the_chicken_hold_a_seance/
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Where does Noah keep the bees?

In the Ark hives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci282n/where_does_noah_keep_the_bees/
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I was robbed by 6 dwarves

I'm Grumpy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci26mw/i_was_robbed_by_6_dwarves/
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I have cdo.

It is like ocd, but it has to be in the correct order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci22s9/i_have_cdo/
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A woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about it.
"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. You see, I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."
"Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?"
"Well, he's a great listener, for one. He's a super sweet guy, and to top it off, he's got a 10 inch cock."
She blushes. "Sounds like a catch to me! Where can I find him?"
"He's just a block over, but he's also a little kooky. See, he only has sex with women named after flowers, so if I meet someone like that, I send them his way. Then, he sends me the flower as a thank you. Yesterday was Rose, and a week ago, I recommended a woman named Violet to him," he said, indicating a slightly wilted violet in a vase behind him.
The woman thanks him for the info and leaves the shop, a little bitter about her own name. But she visits the well-endowed florist anyway. She steps up to the counter and pointedly says, "I heard you're particularly...*skilled*...in certain areas?"
He smirks. "What is your name?"
She pouts a little and says "Kris." His smile falters, and he sighs and shakes his head.
Kris's heart drops. "Well...then I'd like some flowers for my mother."
Suddenly, he brightens up again. "I think we can make this work." He takes her hand and locks the shop door.
Three hours of mind-altering sex later, she stumbles to the shop door and bids him goodbye with a kiss. "And please," he says, "tell your mother she is welcome to as many flowers from my shop as she would like." Taken aback, she promises to convey the message, and calls her mother that night to tell her everything.
The next day, Kris feels like a million bucks and swings by the original florist's shop.
"I just wanted to thank you for telling me about that gentleman! He was AMAZING!"
He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose I should thank you too. I just got another beautiful flower for recommending you to him."
"Really? What flower could he have possibly sent that was named after me?"
The florist sighs. "Chrysanthemum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci1xr7/a_woman_visits_a_florist_to_get_some_flowers_for/
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What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?

A waist of time....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci1o5z/what_do_you_call_a_girl_with_an_hourglass_figure/
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The best part about being antivax

Is I’m saving a ton on college

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci1hq6/the_best_part_about_being_antivax/
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Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci1gzk/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_cooled_to_absolute/
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Let's pretend

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci1gz4/lets_pretend/
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I recently upgraded to an iPhone X

What can I say? It’s a top notch phone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci1en9/i_recently_upgraded_to_an_iphone_x/
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Why is 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci1ebl/why_is_69_afraid_of_70/
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The testicular cancer society called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said No.

They said, “Then you better check your junk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci1d18/the_testicular_cancer_society_called_me_and_said/
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The worst part about being an antivaxer is

I never got to spoil my grandkids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci1cox/the_worst_part_about_being_an_antivaxer_is/
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What did the French army general do on social media?

Retweet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci1abk/what_did_the_french_army_general_do_on_social/
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A little boy arrives home...

To find his mum and dad having sex on the sofa.
Dad says "Dont worry son im just filling your mum up with petrol".
Son replies "she doesnt do many miles to the gallon does she dad? Uncle Dave only filled her up this morning and he had a bigger nozzel".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci196d/a_little_boy_arrives_home/
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So there’s this new blow up sex doll that is self inflatable.

It comes with a free Burqa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci15j1/so_theres_this_new_blow_up_sex_doll_that_is_self/
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I was molested by a mime.

He did unspeakable acts on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci118s/i_was_molested_by_a_mime/
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Guy walks into a dr office complaining about a tennis elbow.

Dr- okay I need you to pee into a cup
Patient- why? It’s my EL-BOW!
Dr- ::sigh:: we have this new machine in back and all it needs is the patients urine and it will diagnose ANYthing. Will you just humor me?
The patient agrees, goes into the bathroom, produces a urine sample, hands the cup to the nurse, nurse hands the cup to the doctor and the doctor goes into the back room with the diagnosis machine and closes the door.
*thirty seconds later*
Doctor comes back out of the room, tears off a prescription from his pad, hands it to the patient “thank you and have a nice day” turns and walks out.
Refuses to make eye contact with the patient so for the whole drive home the guy is bitching to his wife on the phone about what a horrible doctor he saw today.
As the man walks into his kitchen when he got home, his 17 year old daughter comes in and said “dad I heard the whole story, hows about next time you have an appointment with this quack doctor- how’s about you me and mom take a turn peeing into this cup and see what the doctor says THIS time? Throw him for a loop.”
So weeks later, before his follow up exam, the mom dad and daughter have all taken a turn peeing into a decoy cup only unbeknownst to the other two, dad cummed into the cup....and put a tiny drop of motor oil into the cup. Shakes the cup up “let’s see what this fuckin quack has to say about THIS!” Drives off to the dr office.
In the patient room the doctor comes in an says how can I help you?
Patient- “it’s this tennis elbow still.”
Doctor- “pee into a cup again.”
Patient-“FINE”
Only when he’s in the bathroom he switches the urine sample he just made with the fucked up cup
Hands the fucked up cup to the nurse. Nurse doesn’t expect anything. She hands the cup to the doctor...who’s already oblivious anyway. So the doctor walks back into the back room and closes the door.   Only this time he’s in the room for 3 and a half hours.
Finally the door flies open, Doctor is making alllll kinds of hateful eye contact this time.
Doctor walks up to the patient and says “alright you fuckin smartass here goes. Your daughters pregnant, your wife’s gotta gnarly vanereal disease...your cars about to throw a rod and if you don’t stop jerking off that fuckin tennis elbow isn’t ever going to get any better!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci0hvg/guy_walks_into_a_dr_office_complaining_about_a/
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What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

HAAAAAND EEEEEEEYYYYYYYEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci0fyr/what_is_whitney_houstons_favourite_type_of/
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To the guy who stole my antidepressants

Fuck you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci03gi/to_the_guy_who_stole_my_antidepressants/
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*hits blunt

Blunt : Hey what the fuck man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ci01o5/hits_blunt/
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A mother and her teenage daughter were having the talk

Daughter: Mommy, is it true that the baby comes out of the same hole that the penis goes in?
Mum: Yes honey
Daughter: Then won't my teeth break while giving birth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chzzt8/a_mother_and_her_teenage_daughter_were_having_the/
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MILK THE COW

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.
The young man said "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says " it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."
The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have a bull!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chzp1y/milk_the_cow/
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There was a tramp walking

out in the country during a long winters night when he heard a girl screaming.  He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.  He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.  "How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.  "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."  "Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"  "Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.  "Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"  "No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"  "Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"  "Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.  "Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.  He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.  "I'll have one holiday please!"  "Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.  "Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.  "Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"  "Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"  "TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.  "Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"  "Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"  The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.  "Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop.  "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"  "Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"
The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting.  A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the gangplank.  "Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.  "But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"  Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that our man the tramp is correct.  "Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."  So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.  "Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.  "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"  The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! The tramp had never in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like this.  First they went doen through the first class level:  Oriental carpets - 6" pile.  A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall.  Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair.  24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class:  As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep.  and so on...  3rd, 4th, 5th class,  down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with, a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.  "Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."  "I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..."  "Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."  Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...  Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived....  ...and what a dive...!  Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.  "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"  "Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.  "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen ...."  He broke off.
"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.  "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"  "It's a deal!" says our man.  For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain came to talk.  "O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."  "O.K." agreed the tramp.  Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.  Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.  "Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do."  And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.  And the tramp began to climb....  up and up ...  up and up ...  higher and higher ...  below him the ship grew smaller ...  up and up ...  on and on ...  past a solitary albatross ...  and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ...  still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began to shrink...  and higher, ever higher ...  on and on ....  higher, and higher, and on and on towards the diving board,  He climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and then...  he jumped .
slowly at first  but speeding up  faster, and faster  and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,  the oceans and land masses grew clear,  faster, and faster...  past the albatross,  faster  double-back somersault,  and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,  hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,  Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,  "I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"  The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...  NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!  DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!  SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!  DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!  SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!  DOWN!  DOWN!  THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!  THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!  SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!  AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!  STILL DOWN...!  DEEPER,  DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,  TILL..........  SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.  Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.  Up and up, desperate, gasping....  Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.  HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT!  And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.  "Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen"  The tramp blushed.  The captain went on:  "But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."  And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:  "Well you see I'm a poor tramp so you must understand...
>!I've been through many a hardship in my life"!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chzml4/there_was_a_tramp_walking/
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Since were storming Area 51, why not storm the Vatican...

By your logic they can’t rape all of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chzmid/since_were_storming_area_51_why_not_storm_the/
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The frisbee industry will probably die one day...

...but boomerangs, those will always make a comeback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chzhva/the_frisbee_industry_will_probably_die_one_day/
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My best friend died yesterday, so I went to see his wife

I said to her “look on the bright side, at least he’s not suffering anymore.” She said “but he wasn’t sick, he died suddenly.” I said “I know, I meant being married to you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chzfac/my_best_friend_died_yesterday_so_i_went_to_see/
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What do you call a hobbit who’s a savvy shopper?

Bilbo Bargains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chzeqm/what_do_you_call_a_hobbit_whos_a_savvy_shopper/
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My wife says I use too many words that I don't understand...

I think she's overejaculating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chze9n/my_wife_says_i_use_too_many_words_that_i_dont/
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I went to the doctor the other day and he said to me, “don’t eat anything fatty”

I said “what, like bacon or sausages?” He said “no fatty, just don’t eat anything”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chze7k/i_went_to_the_doctor_the_other_day_and_he_said_to/
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I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home

You should have seen the look on her face when I walked away with her cardboard box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chzdit/i_asked_a_pretty_young_homeless_woman_if_i_could/
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I have a dog with no legs

I call him cigarette, because every day I take him for a drag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chzcg2/i_have_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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I have a partially-imaginary fear of over-designed buildings.

A complex complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chzaoe/i_have_a_partiallyimaginary_fear_of_overdesigned/
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Jesus and his disciples were at a public execution. A crowd armed with rocks surrounded a man ready to kill him. Jesus said, “May he without sin be the first to cast a stone.” Suddenly a little old woman walked up with a giant rock hoisted over her head.

Jesus said, “Mom, could you not!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chz9fz/jesus_and_his_disciples_were_at_a_public/
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The thing about having sex with a workaholic is that...

Work comes before they do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chz8ql/the_thing_about_having_sex_with_a_workaholic_is/
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Teasing a woman about her menstruation is not funny!

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chz7gp/teasing_a_woman_about_her_menstruation_is_not/
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Heard someone say they had to play soccer with 2nd graders.

They should really invest in a ball...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chz6e1/heard_someone_say_they_had_to_play_soccer_with/
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To the guy who stole my antidepressants

I hope you're happy now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chz0oc/to_the_guy_who_stole_my_antidepressants/
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Why are black holes so popular at parties?

Because they bring everyone together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chyxkx/why_are_black_holes_so_popular_at_parties/
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chyw37/what_did_the_left_eye_say_to_the_right_eye/
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My girlfriend told me having a small penis isnt that bad

I told her i just wish you didnt have one at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chyubk/my_girlfriend_told_me_having_a_small_penis_isnt/
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Two priests are showering

when one says to the other “Damn I’m out of soap”
The other priest says “I’ll go to my office and get some”.
So the priest picks up two bars of soap from his office, but on his way back he hears the voices of two nuns down the hall.
The priest, stark naked with nowhere to hide, decides to freeze in place. The nuns walk by but of course stop when they see the priest.
“What is this?” asks the first nun.
“Must be a new statue” says the other.
“It’s so lifelike and detailed” marvels the first nun, as she begins to run her fingers along the “statue”.
Suddenly, the enamored nun is hit with an inexplicable urge to pull the “statue’s” third leg.
The priest did all he could to stay frozen, but he couldn’t stop himself from dropping one of the bars of soap.
The second nun says “why’d you do that?”
“I don’t know,” replies the first nun, “but I think this statue might be a soap dispenser.”
“Let me try!” exclaims the second nun.
She too pulls the “statue’s” third leg , and sure enough, the second bar of soap is dropped.
“It IS a soap dispenser!” says the first nun excitedly.
She pulls again, but this time of course no soap appears. She pulls again.
And again.
And again.
The second nun gives it a go.
“Oh look. Hand cream!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chytgm/two_priests_are_showering/
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My girlfriend said it didn't matter that I have a small penis.

So it's not a big thing for me either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chyt9k/my_girlfriend_said_it_didnt_matter_that_i_have_a/
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Math

In juvenile hall the judge asked me how my grades were doing and I told him 50%. He said "50%? That's failing." I said "No that's 100 proof." So he sent me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chysb1/math/
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Two trees and a woodpecker

There are two trees next to each other who are arguing over what type of tree is growing between them. One is a birch tree one is a beech tree. The birch believes that the small tree is a son of a birch and the beech tree believes that the small tree is a sin of a beech. A woodpecker fly’s by and they ask him to taste the little tree to settle their argument. The woodpecker tastes the small tree and responds to the large trees “ This tree is neither a son of a birch or a son of a beech however it is the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chypz6/two_trees_and_a_woodpecker/
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I sometimes talk to myself

Me too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chypaq/i_sometimes_talk_to_myself/
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If you are into bestiality, necrophilia and bondage...

Does that mean you are beating a dead horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chyn8o/if_you_are_into_bestiality_necrophilia_and_bondage/
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Genghis Khan was vicious from an early age.

I remember when he took his first steppe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chyj7b/genghis_khan_was_vicious_from_an_early_age/
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Doctor: You'll soon be at peace

Man: I'm dying?
Doctor: No your wife is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chyhz3/doctor_youll_soon_be_at_peace/
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People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years.

I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy,
I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chyfq3/people_are_complaining_about_this_being_the/
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I fired my wife from my own company for drinking on work AND wasting office resources.

You know how hard it is to find sperm donors these days?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chycpn/i_fired_my_wife_from_my_own_company_for_drinking/
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I like my coffee how I like the slaves:

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chy8pv/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_the_slaves/
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Why do the French eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chy7zy/why_do_the_french_eat_snails/
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A hunting tale

There’s a fly flying above a stream and there’s a fish watching the fly and it’s thinking “if that fly drops 6 inches I’m gonna have a great meal.” Meanwhile, there’s a bear on the bank watching the fish thinking, “if that fly drops 6 inches that fish is gonna get the fly and I’m gonna have a great meal.” Behind the bear is a hunter in a bush, and that hunter is thinking, “if that fly drops 6 inches that fish is gonna get it, the bear’s gonna get the fish, and I’m gonna shoot the bear and have myself a great meal.” Behind the hunter is a mouse on a log watching the whole thing and it’s thinking, “if that fly drops 6 inches the fish is gonna get it, the bear is gonna eat the fish, the hunter is gonna shoot the bear, and a sandwich will fall out of the hunters back pocket and I’m gonna have a great meal.” Behind the mouse there’s a cat watching everybody thinking, “if that fly drops 6 inches the fish is gonna get it, the bear is gonna eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will get the sandwich, and I’m gonna pounce on the mouse and have a great meal.” Then all of a sudden the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish ate the fly, the bear ate the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse got the hunter’s sandwich and the cat completely jumped over the mouse and into the stream. This just goes to show that when a fly drops 6 inches a pussy’s gonna get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chy3yr/a_hunting_tale/
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Blowjob and Hotdog

A man is on a long flight and halfway through, the pilot, not knowing the microphone is on, says “I could really use a hotdog and a blowjob right now” and then a female flight attendant is seen running to the cockpit to alert the pilot of his mistake. The man then yells “YOU FORGOT THE HOTDOG!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chy2gz/blowjob_and_hotdog/
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The Oldest Man in the World:

The last five people to hold the title have died while in office.  Is the title cursed?  Or does someone want them...DEAD?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chy26y/the_oldest_man_in_the_world/
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Three nuns are walking down the street

The first nun says, " I found a stack of porn in Father McClellan's room yesterday."
The second nun asked, "what did you do with it?"
The first nun replied, " I threw it away."
The second nun says, "that's nothing, I found a box of condoms in his room."
The first nun asked, "what did you do with them?"
The second nun says, "I poked holes in them."
The third nun replies, "oh shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chxypt/three_nuns_are_walking_down_the_street/
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Out of respect, there will be no jokes about a bag full of Jesus allowed here...

They're sack religous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chxwrc/out_of_respect_there_will_be_no_jokes_about_a_bag/
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I was going to make a bad pun about fabric

But that felt wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chxuwc/i_was_going_to_make_a_bad_pun_about_fabric/
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A communications engineer is drafted into the army...

He’s put on the firing range and for the life of him can’t hit the target. 250 yards down to 50 feet and still missing everything. His sergeant comes out with a full head of steam and starts to rip him a new one.
The guy simply motions the sarge to stop, puts a finger over the muzzle and pulls the trigger. His finger tip is blown off.
“See...” he yells excitedly. “It’s leaving this end fine. The problem is at the other end.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chxu52/a_communications_engineer_is_drafted_into_the_army/
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My wife wanted to start a non-profit.

I said, "well that doesn't sound like a very good business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chxt8t/my_wife_wanted_to_start_a_nonprofit/
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Condoms are for fuckin' pussies.

Anti-dad joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chxjr7/condoms_are_for_fuckin_pussies/
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What's a cannibals favorite appetizer?

Finger food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chxc36/whats_a_cannibals_favorite_appetizer/
%
I worked at a movie theater for five days

Despite my short time working there, I'll never forget one customer. On my first day there, I watched him enter the theater to watch the latest summer blockbuster. A few hours later, he walked out, looking a little frustrated. It was my first day, and I wanted to be helpful, so I went up to him and said "I'm sorry, sir. Did you not enjoy the movie?" And he replied "The movie was great, but I've seen it five times already." As you can imagine, I was confused. But I didn't say anything else.
The next day, I saw the same guy come to the theater. He purchased a ticket for the same movie. I said "Sir, are you sure you wouldn't prefer to watch a different movie this time?" But he insisted on watching it again. A few hours later he walked out. And once again, he was angry and complaining about how he'd already seen it. I shook my head in disbelief.
Wednesday, I saw the same man come in and buy yet another ticket to the same movie. I told my manager that the guy was crazy, but he said a sale is a sale. When the movie was over, me and a few others went into the theater to begin cleaning up. If we didn't have a mess before, we did now, because that same guy threw his popcorn and drink on the floor in frustration.
The next day, I expected him to show up again, and he did. He bought a ticket to the same movie. I didn't have to wait long this time. In less than half an hour, he left the theater red in the face and muttering about how he'd already seen the movie.
It was Friday. And this time, I wasn't having any of it. As soon as he walked in, I confronted him. I said "Sir, before you buy another ticket, I want to let you know that we have plenty of other movies showing today, you might want to watch one of those instead of one you've already seen."
He told me "I know you have other movies. They're not as good as the one I've been watching, though." Annoyed and confused, I asked "What kind of person keeps complaining that they've already seen something and refuses to look at something different because it's not as good?"
And the man replied "Someone who visits r/jokes "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chxb7n/i_worked_at_a_movie_theater_for_five_days/
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What does the mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chxb0m/what_does_the_mafia_and_a_pussy_have_in_common/
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What do you call two similar looking breasts?

Identities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chx64i/what_do_you_call_two_similar_looking_breasts/
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I hate driving drunk

Texting becomes so much harder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chwyiw/i_hate_driving_drunk/
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I went to the doctor because I can't remember any 80's music...

I asked him what's The Cure?
He said, oh no, its worse than I thought...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chww98/i_went_to_the_doctor_because_i_cant_remember_any/
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Where does a mansplainer drink his water

uh well... actually (edited)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chwrvl/where_does_a_mansplainer_drink_his_water/
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Telling your in-laws that you're trying to make a baby...

Sounds a hell of a lot better than "I'm filing your daughter with so much semen that she could be mistaken for a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chwrkr/telling_your_inlaws_that_youre_trying_to_make_a/
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How to make $$$$$ easily.

1: Sit in front of your computer and turn it on.
2: Open a new word or text document.
3:Hold down the Shift key.
4: Press the "4" key as many times as you wish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chwq4k/how_to_make_easily/
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What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?

Doughnut hole me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chwpqx/what_did_the_pastry_chef_say_to_his_unsupportive/
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Why didn't the chicken go down the slide?

He de-slided not to!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chwh9h/why_didnt_the_chicken_go_down_the_slide/
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My wife got mad at me for taking the kids to the fire-station.

Apparently a babysitter would be a less permanent solution...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chwg1e/my_wife_got_mad_at_me_for_taking_the_kids_to_the/
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I just got robbed by 6 dwarfs..

Not Happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chwf8u/i_just_got_robbed_by_6_dwarfs/
%
I heard it’s easy to convince women not to eat Tide Pods…

But a lot harder to deter gents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chwdog/i_heard_its_easy_to_convince_women_not_to_eat/
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I make bombs for a living

Business is booming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chw6dw/i_make_bombs_for_a_living/
%
My daughter recently confessed that she was a sex addict who couldn’t be satisfied the regular way

I guess the trip to the horse farm wasn’t the right move

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chw4eu/my_daughter_recently_confessed_that_she_was_a_sex/
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A man goes to the bar.

A man sits at a bar alone, and orders a shot of whisky, slams its and peeks inside his shirt pocket. He then orders another shot, slams it and peeks inside his shirt pocket. Once again he orders another shot, slams it and peeks in his pocket. At this point the bartender is curious and asks “ what do you keep peeking in your pocket for?” The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in there.” The bartender says, “oh that’s sweet, is today the anniversary of her death or something?” The man says, “no, I’m drinking until she’s attractive.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chvz9r/a_man_goes_to_the_bar/
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I just bought a box of perfumes that don’t smell of anything

What a load of non-scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chvxd7/i_just_bought_a_box_of_perfumes_that_dont_smell/
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My friend and I went out for lunch. Once the bill came, we played tug of war with it until my hand slipped accidentally knocking over his lunch.

Looks like lunch is on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chvwh0/my_friend_and_i_went_out_for_lunch_once_the_bill/
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I have a fear of overly designed buildings.

A complex complex complex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chvvvp/i_have_a_fear_of_overly_designed_buildings/
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Did you know that kangaroos can jump higher than houses

This is due to the fact that kangaroos have very strong hind legs, and the fact that houses can't jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chvvte/did_you_know_that_kangaroos_can_jump_higher_than/
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A farmer walks into a bar

with his horse and says “I will pay anyone who makes my horse laugh $500” a man takes the bet and walks the horse into the bathroom and when they come out the horse is laughing hysterically. The farmer is in disbelief and bets the man double or nothing if he can make the horse cry. The man takes the bet and goes back into the bathroom with the horse. When they come out the horse is crying. The farmer reluctantly pays up and asks the man how he did it. The man responds “First I told the horse my penis was bigger than his... then I showed it to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chvr9x/a_farmer_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife left me to become an astronaut...

she needed Space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chvpae/my_wife_left_me_to_become_an_astronaut/
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I got a job as a human cannonball.

I was immediately fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chvn6i/i_got_a_job_as_a_human_cannonball/
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It is not economically friendly to throw joke books in the trash.

You should always recycle them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chvn4r/it_is_not_economically_friendly_to_throw_joke/
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A woman visits a flower shop to get some roses for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about it.
"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. You see, I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."
"Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?"
"Well, he's a great listener, for one. He's a super sweet guy, and to top it off, he's got a 10 inch cock."
She blushes. "Sounds like a catch to me! Where can I find him?"
"He's just a block over, but he's also a little kooky. See, he only has sex with women named after flowers, so if I meet someone like that, I send them his way. Then, he sends me the flower as a thank you. Yesterday was Rose, and a week ago, I recommended a woman named Violet to him," he said, indicating a slightly wilted violet in a vase behind him.
The woman thanks him for the info and leaves the shop, a little bitter about her own name. But she visits the well-endowed florist anyway. She steps up to the counter and pointedly says, "I heard you're particularly...*skilled*...in certain areas?"
He smirks. "What is your name?"
She pouts a little and says "Kris." His smile falters, and he sighs and shakes his head.
Kris's heart drops. "Well...then I'd like some flowers for my mother."
Suddenly, he brightens up again. "I think we can make this work." He takes her hand and locks the shop door.
Three hours of mind-altering sex later, she stumbles to the shop door and bids him goodbye with a kiss. "And please," he says, "tell your mother she is welcome to as many flowers from my shop as she would like." Taken aback, she promises to convey the message, and calls her mother that night to tell her everything.
The next day, Kris feels like a million bucks and swings by the original florist's shop.
"I just wanted to thank you for telling me about that gentleman! He was AMAZING!"
He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose I should thank you too. I just got another beautiful flower for recommending you to him."
"Really? What kind of flower could he have possibly sent that was named after me?"
The florist sighs. "Chrysanthemum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chvmy5/a_woman_visits_a_flower_shop_to_get_some_roses/
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“Back in the day,” my grandfather would say, “You could go into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and some butter as well....”

"But today, they got cameras everywhere!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chvg2g/back_in_the_day_my_grandfather_would_say_you/
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One day, an older woman decided her sex life with her husband had become stale and boring. So she decided to try something spontaneous.

She got naked and put on a cape and a super hero mask, jumped out in front of her husband and yelled, “Super Pussy!” To which the husband replied, “I’ll have the soup.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chvexx/one_day_an_older_woman_decided_her_sex_life_with/
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What sound does an Egyptian goose make?

Ankh ankh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chvaig/what_sound_does_an_egyptian_goose_make/
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What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

You can't combine a vector and a scaler!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chv9bs/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mosquito_with_a/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for Easter holiday

When he returns to California his friend says to him, *”Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?”*
To which Arnie replied **[in Arnie voice]**: *”Oh it was terrible! My father he ruined the Easter Egg hunt. He put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite generally we all had an awful day.”*
His colleague then says, *”Oh Arnie that’s no good at all, I’m sorry to hear! Does that mean you don’t love easter anymore?”*
Arnie **[in Arnie voice]**: *”Oh no of course not – I still love easter, baby.”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chv5ra/arnold_schwarzenegger_goes_back_to_austria_for/
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Life is like a box of chocolates!

It really sucks when you have diabetes... :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chv2bs/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Why don't drill operators have friends?

They're boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chuzlp/why_dont_drill_operators_have_friends/
%
A woman takes

a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest  to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chuvt2/a_woman_takes/
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What was the name of the lawyer with one leg?

Peggy Sue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chuu0r/what_was_the_name_of_the_lawyer_with_one_leg/
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I hate when people ask me what i'll be doing in a year

like come on guys I don't have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chuta2/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_what_ill_be_doing_in_a/
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A Frenchman, a Mexican and an Irishman go to a bar

And each orders a beer.
The Frenchman looks into his beer and sees a fly, calls for the waitress, and demands a replacement.
The Mexican sees a fly in his, plucks it out, and drains the beer.
The Irishman grabs the fly by its wings and violently shakes it over his mug screaming, " spit it out ye cocksucker, spit it out!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/churuz/a_frenchman_a_mexican_and_an_irishman_go_to_a_bar/
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Armed robbers; some say they're a drain on society.

But you've got to give it to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chun7n/armed_robbers_some_say_theyre_a_drain_on_society/
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A 4th grade teacher told her class that she’d be willing to answer any questions that they had.

One of the girls in the back raised her hand and asked “Can a 9 year old get pregnant?”
The teacher responded “Of course not love. I don’t know why you’d even ask that?”
Then the boy sitting next to the girl yelled “I told you there’s nothing to worry about Mary”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chuk46/a_4th_grade_teacher_told_her_class_that_shed_be/
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Why is a penis’ life so sad?

He’s lonely, his siblings are nuts, his neighbor’s an asshole, and his owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chujul/why_is_a_penis_life_so_sad/
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Was reminded of my dad’s favorite joke when I saw a similar joke posted earlier today. He owns his own construction company and would tell this to everyone.

All the body parts get together to decide who is the boss of the body.
First is the brain. “It’s obvious I’m the boss. I’m the smartest and without me the body wouldn’t even know what to do.”
The hands speak up and say, “Without us the body wouldn’t be able to get food to the mouth. The body couldn’t drive, use tools, etc.”
The feet go next and say, “Well without us the body wouldn’t get anywhere. It couldn’t walk, dance, play sports.”
Each body part gets a turn giving the reasons why they are the most important and should be the boss.
Last to go is the asshole. It claims it is the boss and every other body part just laughs and makes fun of the asshole. “What do you do? You have the least important job.” So the asshole closes as tight as it can and lets nothing get by it.
After a few hours the other body parts are starting to feel weird but don’t concede that the asshole is the boss. Close to a week passes and the feet are feeling weak, the hands can’t grab things as well, and the brain can’t think clearly. Still, the asshole stays shut tight.
A few more days pass and all the other body parts can barely function at all. The body keeps falling because the feet can’t keep it up. It’s hungry because the hands can’t pick up food and the brain can’t even think straight.
Finally all the body parts concede that the asshole is the most important body part. So the asshole opens up and everything soon returns to normal for the other body parts.
So to be the boss you don’t have to be smart, strong, or extremely useful. You just need to be an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chugqk/was_reminded_of_my_dads_favorite_joke_when_i_saw/
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I hear they’re making a movie about the invention of the tampon.

It’s a period piece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chuazg/i_hear_theyre_making_a_movie_about_the_invention/
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The wife just asked me to make love to her and make sure I do that thing that stops me orgasming quickly.

I am now sleeping on the couch and can only assume my answer of "What, turning the light on?" wasn't what she meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chu94s/the_wife_just_asked_me_to_make_love_to_her_and/
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In the Bible, Leviticus, Chapter 20, verse 13 it says that a man may not lay with a man as they do with a woman...

...so technically the Bible is fine with gay sex as long as you don't fuck another guy in his vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chu8ec/in_the_bible_leviticus_chapter_20_verse_13_it/
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There's three important things you need to do when posting number jokes.

1. Know how to count
*Edit* 2. Proof read

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chu5rs/theres_three_important_things_you_need_to_do_when/
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It’s okay if you don’t know what “prefix” means.

It’s not the end of the word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chu59e/its_okay_if_you_dont_know_what_prefix_means/
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Only intellectuals will understand

A dyslexic man walked into a bra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chu4mn/only_intellectuals_will_understand/
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A man has been going to the doctor trying to make his penis larger

One day he is on his way to see this doctor when he loses control of his car and gets into a major accident
The car is claimed as a total loss and he is rushed to the hospital where he is pronounced dead
Thankfully, with hours of trying, the doctors are able to resuscitate him but he remains unconscious for hours more. During that time the doctors perform several surgeries
When the man wakes up he is surrounded by family and friends, and the doctor notices this man has awoken and rushes over to him and says
“Sir, do you know where you are or what happened?”
“Last thing I remember is running off the side of the road and then it went black”
“Well sir, I have some good news and bad news, which do you want to hear first?”
“Well I guess the good news!”
“Well sir, we were able to finally get your penis to touch the ground”
“That’s excellent! What’s the bad news?”
“We had to amputate your legs”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chu4em/a_man_has_been_going_to_the_doctor_trying_to_make/
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A new employee impresses his boss on his first day.

The manager of a large store had hired a new employee, and it was his first day on the job. The manager decided to watch the employee work from a distance, to assure he was doing a good job.
It wasn’t long before a middle aged man walked up to the new employee to ask him a question. The manager noticed that their conversation was lasting longer than usual, and he decided to come closer to hear what they were talking about.
The manager listened as the new employee sold the man a new fishing rod, then a new tackle box, then some lures, and seemingly endless supplies that the man might need for fishing.
Amazed, the manager kept listening as the employee sold the man a new fishing boat, then a trailer for the boat, and even a new truck to pull the boat. The sale took hours to complete, and the customer walked out with his new fishing gear.
The manager was shocked at what he had seen, so he went to the newly hired employee and asked him: “How the hell did you do that?” The employee answered: “The man came and asked me where to buy tampons, so I told him, well, since your weekend is ruined, why don’t you go fishing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chu4bi/a_new_employee_impresses_his_boss_on_his_first_day/
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Medical advances these days are absolutely crazy. They've found ways to activate taste buds in people who were born without the sense. Surprisingly most people don't like it at first.

Its an acquired taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chu18u/medical_advances_these_days_are_absolutely_crazy/
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Time flies like an arrow

Fruit flies like a banana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chtyl8/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
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What did the man say while driving his car in reverse?

“Oh man, this takes me back!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chtyht/what_did_the_man_say_while_driving_his_car_in/
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Wife was cleaning 13 year old son's room

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"
Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't spank him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chtyce/wife_was_cleaning_13_year_old_sons_room/
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I just found out my girlfriend is a Grammar Nazi.

She's going crazy because she missed her period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chtuvh/i_just_found_out_my_girlfriend_is_a_grammar_nazi/
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What sex position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chtkwq/what_sex_position_produces_the_ugliest_children/
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What do you get when you mix animal DNA and human DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chth8r/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_animal_dna_and_human/
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A bilingual joke! (English/Spanish)

A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can't find what he's looking for and he doesn't know the English word for it.
So he grabs a salesperson and says, "Tienes calcetines?"
"I'm sorry, I don't know what that is," the salesperson says.
The guy tries again. "Medias?" He asks, miming pulling up socks. The salesperson brings him to the trouser section.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero medias, calcetines," he says.
And so it goes for nearly an hour. Finally, almost by accident, the salesperson leads him to the sock section.
The Spanish guy, excited, points and shouts, "Eso sí que es!"
The salesperson's jaw drops and he says, "Well, why didn't you TELL me you knew how to spell it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cht6wu/a_bilingual_joke_englishspanish/
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I like my chilli like I like my men

Hot, brown, chunky and beefy.
Also it explodes in your mouth and makes your asshole hurt the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cht4bl/i_like_my_chilli_like_i_like_my_men/
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So Hulk became a Muslim...

He changes his catchphrase from 'Hulk Smash!' to 'I Slam!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chst0n/so_hulk_became_a_muslim/
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Why did the doctor get super angry?

He lost his patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chsmng/why_did_the_doctor_get_super_angry/
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I rushed to the hospital when I heard that my cousin could neither walk nor speak.

Apparently all newborns are like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chsgxy/i_rushed_to_the_hospital_when_i_heard_that_my/
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Marvel have announced their newest Superhero team, one consisting entirely of Trans-woman.

The Ex-Men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chs52p/marvel_have_announced_their_newest_superhero_team/
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Australians don’t fuck

They mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chs4lk/australians_dont_fuck/
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What’s the difference between a priest and acne?

At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chs3sa/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
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So a vampire walks into a bar,

He asks the bartender for a cup of hot water.
Bartender gives him the hot water and says "Hey, aren't you a vampire though? I thought your kind only drank blood."
Vampire says "of course my good man!"
He reaches into his coat and pulls out a bloody tampon then says
"It's tea time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chs2w2/so_a_vampire_walks_into_a_bar/
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A guy says to his Psychiatrist : I am having suicidal thoughts

Psychiatrist : You need to pay my fees in advance today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chry3u/a_guy_says_to_his_psychiatrist_i_am_having/
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TIL about Murphy's Law...

The law states the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chrvs0/til_about_murphys_law/
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If they made a movie about the Area 51 raid,

it would be called Alien vs Redditor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chrstm/if_they_made_a_movie_about_the_area_51_raid/
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What do u say to someone who asks where u see yourself in a year?

Sorry I don't have 20-20 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chrssg/what_do_u_say_to_someone_who_asks_where_u_see/
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You know what they say

'Don't let an extra chromosome get you Down'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chrpxw/you_know_what_they_say/
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How are a joke and a sheep similar?

Once you’ve herd one, you’ve herd them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chrnv0/how_are_a_joke_and_a_sheep_similar/
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A middle-aged woman goes to the doctor

and returns with a smile, and tells her husband, "The doctor said I have the heart of a 24 year old!"
The husband replied with a smirk, "Oh yeah? What did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She said "Oh, your name never came up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chrjn0/a_middleaged_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
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A man goes to get his Social Security set up...

However he forgets his papers back home...
The lady at the Social Security office told him that he needs proof of birth before they can proceed.
He pulls down his shirt and says, “Don’t these grey hairs on my chest prove that I’m 65?”
She says, “All right sir, I believe you. But, due to procedure, we have to have definitive proof of your age, so you’ll need to bring in your birth certificate.”
He goes back home and his wife says to him, “You idiot, I know you didn’t get the Social Security set up...your papers are laying right here on the kitchen table."
“Oh, don't worry about it, I got it started,” he says.
“How did you do that?” she says.
“I just showed them the grey hairs on my chest,” he says.
To which she responds, “You should have pulled down your pants and gotten disability, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chrjb9/a_man_goes_to_get_his_social_security_set_up/
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A Doberman, German Shepherd, and Cat are sitting before God in the judgement hall

God looks at the Doberman and asks "Doberman, what did you believe in?"
The Doberman replies "I believed in being faithful and loyal to my master until the day I died."
God answers "Very well. You may come sit to my left side. Shepherd, what did you believe in?"
The Shepherd says "I believed in serving my country to the best of my ability until I was shot in action."
God says "Very well. You may come sit to my left side. Cat, what did you believe?"
The cat, without even thinking replies "I believe you are in my seat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chri11/a_doberman_german_shepherd_and_cat_are_sitting/
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What sound does a plane make when it bounces?

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chrd4v/what_sound_does_a_plane_make_when_it_bounces/
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Dad joke

Dad: "What time do we need to leave to catch the movie?"
Kid: "I don't know. 5:30, 6?"
Dad: "5:36? That's an oddly specific time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chray8/dad_joke/
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Refrigerator kills all

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from.”
St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. “Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. “OK, picture this; I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chr8vn/refrigerator_kills_all/
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Where do Russians get their milk from?

From Mos-cows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chr7na/where_do_russians_get_their_milk_from/
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My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing.

I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqyhj/my_local_hair_dresser_just_got_charged_with_drug/
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Hunting gone wrong

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqx23/hunting_gone_wrong/
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Two blondes are standing on opposite ends of a lake.

One of them yells to the other, “Hey, how did you get to the other side!?” To which the other responds, “You are on the other side!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqvho/two_blondes_are_standing_on_opposite_ends_of_a/
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Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank kombucha before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqvh9/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
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I ran out of carrots...

So I called a replacement...
But it didn't turnip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqvfp/i_ran_out_of_carrots/
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These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven

When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy.
Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqs2d/these_three_guys_die_together_in_a_tragic/
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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sandwich dear?” Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face. His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit. So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only this time, she makes it with ham and cheese, and on wheat bread. She thought surely he will enjoy this! The husband enters the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife then asks “Hows the sandwich dear?” As always, he replies “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face. His wife then thinks maybe she needs to offer him more variety. So the next day, she makes him a sandwich, only this time its made with salami, pepperoni, and extra veggies and vinegarette dressing. He walks in the kitchen, takes a bite, and the wife asks “Hows the sandwich dear?” As always, he replies “It tastes fine” and continued eating with a disappointed look on his face.
The next day, as lunch time is getting ready to roll around, his wife was making him lunch. She was furious at the lack of excitement and enjoyment coming from her husband, so she decides shes going to make him the most unique sandwich hes ever had. She prepares her italian bread, only this time she toasts it, and almost burns it. She adds random ingredients like peanut butter, peppers and onions, strawberry jam, turkey, ham, corned beef, some olives and some various seasonings. She thought “If this doesnt get a new reaction out of him, nothing will!” The husband walks into the kitchen, takes a seat, and takes a bite of his sandwich. All of a sudden, his eyes widen, and he takes two more bites. Suddenly, he looks up at his wife with the biggest grin he’s ever had. He chuckled a bit and says “Finally! Something original in this sub!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqrjo/a_sweet_old_lady_is_making_lunch_for_her_husband/
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Doctor: Brace yourself, this is gonna hurt.

Patient: Ok.
Doctor: I’ve been having an affair with your wife for the past several years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqpma/doctor_brace_yourself_this_is_gonna_hurt/
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That new face app is cool

Anti vax parents can see what their kids woudlve look liked
Inspiration Credit: @funnymanfields

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqo4v/that_new_face_app_is_cool/
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If you ever want to cause an ant to have a psychedelic trip, feed it Tums

Because it’s antacid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqmej/if_you_ever_want_to_cause_an_ant_to_have_a/
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I sent my waifu an apple tart with a note.

"Please notice me, sent pie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqlu1/i_sent_my_waifu_an_apple_tart_with_a_note/
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I had the swine flu but they cured me...

Now I have bacon flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqgzi/i_had_the_swine_flu_but_they_cured_me/
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*CORPORATE JOKE*

Agency: " Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their  placements, sir?"
MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:
1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.
2. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.
3. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
4. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
5. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
6. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
7. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
8. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
9. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
10. If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.
11. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.  And...
12. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqg9o/corporate_joke/
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Why doesn’t the philosopher like to do archery?

Because he Kant hit the Marx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqfpq/why_doesnt_the_philosopher_like_to_do_archery/
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What do you call it when a womanizing casino mogul is in the White House?

Two vice presidents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqal4/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_womanizing_casino/
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What's the difference between kinky and decadent?

Kinky is when you use a feather, decadent is when you use the whole chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chqa9y/whats_the_difference_between_kinky_and_decadent/
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I was having dinner at my girlfriend's house for the first time.

"Can I use your bathroom?" I asked.
"Sure, but could you use the can of air freshener?" said her mother jokingly.
Really strange, but I managed to fit all the poo into the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chq9ae/i_was_having_dinner_at_my_girlfriends_house_for/
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What do you call a dog that knows magic

A labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chq5k6/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_knows_magic/
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What's worse than you discovering that your girlfriend is an amateur pornstar ?

Your girlfriend discovering that she is an amateur pornstar..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chq3pz/whats_worse_than_you_discovering_that_your/
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Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chq3bq/before_my_surgery_my_anesthetist_offered_to_knock/
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I just helped a poor old lady up off the floor after she had slipped in the rain.

Well, I presume she's poor, she only had £2.57 in her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chq0y4/i_just_helped_a_poor_old_lady_up_off_the_floor/
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Reposting a joke is like buying a piece of clothing

you use other people's material to make yourself look good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chpzyr/reposting_a_joke_is_like_buying_a_piece_of/
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A man walks in to a psychologist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap

Psychologist: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chpwsv/a_man_walks_in_to_a_psychologists_office_wearing/
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I think the death penalty is a good idea...

If executed properly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chpq2p/i_think_the_death_penalty_is_a_good_idea/
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A Lion and a Tiger escaped with a Jaguar from a British zoo.

They were caught 15 miles down the road when the Jaguar broke down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chpl6j/a_lion_and_a_tiger_escaped_with_a_jaguar_from_a/
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What do you call a failed gathering of crows?

Attempted Murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chphl0/what_do_you_call_a_failed_gathering_of_crows/
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An Italian Farmer was working the fields with his three sons and notices that two of them were out of breath because they were over weight.

He called over to his three sons and spoke to each of them.
Papa:  "Luigi, why are you such a fat fuck?"
Luigi: "Papa, I love eating my wife's lasagna.  It's so good!!!"
Papa: "Son, you need to take smaller bites."
Papa: "Mario, why are you such a fat fuck?"
Mario: "Papa, I love eating my wife's spaghetti.  It's so good!!!"
Papa:  "Son, you need to take smaller bites."
Papa: "Antonio, how do you manage to stay in good shape?"
Antonio:  "Papa, all I eat is my wife's pussy.  It's so good!!!"
Papa:  "Pussy?  That taste like shit!!!"
Antonio: "Papa, you need to take smaller bites."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chpbvc/an_italian_farmer_was_working_the_fields_with_his/
%
How do we know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chpae2/how_do_we_know_princess_diana_had_dandruff/
%
A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chp7h8/a_boob_a_vagina_and_an_asshole_are_debating_as_to/
%
A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.
Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, "I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who'll join him in the pool."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Brian in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it, getting it in choke holds, biting it's tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Brian and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell.
Finally, after what seemed like an age, Brian strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish.
An exhausted Brian wearily climbed out of the pool with everybody staring at him in disbelief.
The millionaire said, "Well, Brian, I reckon I owe you a million dollars then."
"Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Brian.
So the millionaire said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," Brian insisted.
The millionaire said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?"
Once again, Brian said, "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Brian, then what do you want?"
"I want the bastard who pushed me in," said Brian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chp6f4/a_multimillionaire_living_in_darwin_australia/
%
What do you wear to a Mexican funeral?

A somberero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chp5xu/what_do_you_wear_to_a_mexican_funeral/
%
Why couldn't the manure farmer fix his fence?

Because he had a shitpost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chp52h/why_couldnt_the_manure_farmer_fix_his_fence/
%
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chp45b/a_new_york_attorney_representing_a_wealthy_art/
%
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers,

and says:
"Five beers, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chp2c1/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_holds_up_two_fingers/
%
Why did the Can Crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chp1f7/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
%
Forgive me father for I have committed the sin of Cutlery.

I forked someone else's knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chp03n/forgive_me_father_for_i_have_committed_the_sin_of/
%
I have a special ability that allows me to see everything that happens next year.

I call it 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/choyoo/i_have_a_special_ability_that_allows_me_to_see/
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An elderly gentleman standing in front of the pearly gates and waiting to get into heaven.

God says to the man. “Gimme one good reason to let you in. Have you done any good deeds recently?”
“I saw this punk trying to steal a car,” the man said “so I decided to kick his ass to teach him a lesson.”
“When was that?” God asks.
“About ten minutes ago.” The man answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/choye8/an_elderly_gentleman_standing_in_front_of_the/
%
Why was the two year old anti-vaxxer crying?

Mid-life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chow04/why_was_the_two_year_old_antivaxxer_crying/
%
Why do horse-girls like horses so much?

... Because it's the only STABLE relationship they'll ever have!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chopi5/why_do_horsegirls_like_horses_so_much/
%
I overdosed on Viagra once...

...hardest day of my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chom6g/i_overdosed_on_viagra_once/
%
A pony walks into a bar

The bartender looks up and says "hey buddy, why the long face?"
The pony looks up, blinking through tears and sort of whispers/croaks "my wife left me."
The bartender has a difficult time understanding the pony, who has obviously lost his voice, probably from crying so much and asks the pony to repeat himself.
"Sorry about that," says the pony "but I am a little hoarse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/choiya/a_pony_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I used to be afraid of ejaculating too much...

But then I overcame!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/choam8/i_used_to_be_afraid_of_ejaculating_too_much/
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What do you call the creepy bugs in your home that mooch off you?

Depend-Ants!
P.S. My wife and kids won't talk to me anymore..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cho9zn/what_do_you_call_the_creepy_bugs_in_your_home/
%
A horse walks into a bar

and the bartender says "Hey, get the fuck outta here you damn horse, last time you were here you shit on the floor!" And the horse says "Aw come man, I just want a drink." And the bartender says "Well I just want you to get out!" And the horse says "Yeah, well I fucked your mother!" And the bartender says "I know! She died of internal hemorrhaging, you piece of shit!" And the horse says "Whoa, man, I had no idea! I'm so sorry." And the bartender says "Well, she was an adult and made her own decisions so you're not entirely to blame." And the horse says "I need to be more responsible with my romantic encounters, I accept full blame for what I have taken from you." And the bartender says "That is a very mature response, horse. I may have misjudged you and will try to forgive you some day." And the horse says "So, can I get that drink?" And the bartender shoots the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chnyo1/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chnye1/there_are_no_divorce_courts_at_the_north_pole_so/
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a Mother has three children.

One day, her first child comes along and asks:
"Mom, why is my name Flower?"
The mom replies:
"Because, when you were born, a flower fell on your head."
Her second child, Twig, comes along and asks:
"Mom, why is my name Twig?"
The mom replies:
"Because, when you were born, a twig fell on your head."
Her third child, Brick, comes along and says:
"Hngnghhngggn"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chnojl/a_mother_has_three_children/
%
*Perfect diagnosis.*

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”
My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 10 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.
The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come to see me after a week?”
The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink like Hell !!”
The doctor says, “Excellent. Now that your nose blocks are cleared, let’s work on your hearing.”
😀😀

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chnl3g/perfect_diagnosis/
%
What do I look like?

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.  One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"  The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"  A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"  He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"  Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.  The wife finds a leak in the roof.  She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"  He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"  The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.  So is the plumbing. So is the car.  He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.  Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.  "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chnkxh/what_do_i_look_like/
%
An ant colony enthusiast goes to a convention

His pride and joy is a colony of giant Amazonian ants, *Dinoponera gigantea,* which he brings along with him to present. But when he gets to the door of the convention hall, he's stopped by one of the organizers, who points to a sign on the wall. It says "all ants must not be more than 1 cm in total length."
Frustrated, the man tries to argue his case.
"Look, I've come all this way just to show these off, they're extremely rare and I've worked my whole life to raise them. Please, can't you just make this one exception?"
The organizer replies, "I'm sorry, sir, we have a no taller ants policy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chnd81/an_ant_colony_enthusiast_goes_to_a_convention/
%
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced it's way out... She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chnd72/in_a_dark_and_hazy_room_peering_into_a_crystal/
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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,  Nathan
the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,  Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised  that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story :  Pay your lawyers bills properly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chn9yg/the_queens_breasts/
%
A Catholic priest, a child molester, and a rapist walks into a bar

Then he orders a whiskey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chn90m/a_catholic_priest_a_child_molester_and_a_rapist/
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Why does Brenda not call me back when I call her on the phone?

Cause my name's not "Back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chn8s3/why_does_brenda_not_call_me_back_when_i_call_her/
%
Out of all these modern construction tools...

I think the shovel is the most groundbreaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chn5uu/out_of_all_these_modern_construction_tools/
%
Which spice girl is able to carry the most petrol?

Geri can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chmyf0/which_spice_girl_is_able_to_carry_the_most_petrol/
%
A dad is washing his car with his son.

The son says : "Dad, can't you use a sponge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chmxq9/a_dad_is_washing_his_car_with_his_son/
%
They say girls go crazy if you can play the guitar.

Well she left when she heard I was looking for A flat and had tried to get my fingers in A minor. All I really needed was Gsus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chmuhi/they_say_girls_go_crazy_if_you_can_play_the_guitar/
%
Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin

,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.?
At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed".
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large mammary glands, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as....
Einstein's Theory of "RelativeTitty.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chmt7n/did_you_know_that_einstein_married_his_cousin/
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I saw a blind man in the GroceryStore today and he was swinging his guide dog around his head. I asked “what are you doing”

he’s reply  “Just having a quick look around”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chmt0a/i_saw_a_blind_man_in_the_grocerystore_today_and/
%
What do call a flamboyant gay from Russia?

Unlucky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chmnws/what_do_call_a_flamboyant_gay_from_russia/
%
What do you call a guy with lemmings jumping of his head?

Cliff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chml1d/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_lemmings_jumping_of/
%
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chmkdc/a_man_and_his_wife_were_awakened_at_300_am_by_a/
%
What did the weightlifter say when he ran out of protein supplement?

No whey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chmdst/what_did_the_weightlifter_say_when_he_ran_out_of/
%
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".

The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chmdr5/a_man_inserted_an_advertisement_in_the/
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Our local priest is very popular amongst the community but there are rumours that he's a paedophile.

That's a minor issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chm9a0/our_local_priest_is_very_popular_amongst_the/
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Why do people hate reposts on this site?

Cause they’ve already reddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chm78n/why_do_people_hate_reposts_on_this_site/
%
I only like smooth leather

and my opinion will never be suede.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chm76o/i_only_like_smooth_leather/
%
How do you introduce a hamburger?

Meet Patty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chm6d7/how_do_you_introduce_a_hamburger/
%
Last Respects

At a motivational seminar, 3 men were volunteered to come up to the stage and were asked the same question,"When you are in your casket, and your loved ones are mourning,what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The 1st man said," I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man.
The 2nd man said," I would like to hear them that I was a wonderful husband and teacher who made a huge diffrence to the children."
The last man said," I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chm62i/last_respects/
%
Dad was in the field plowing when he noticed Mary run into the barn.

A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, so Dad decides to see what they are doing.
As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town. Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard and picks up a shovel and whacks Bruce on the ass with it. Bruce jumps up and runs out side.
Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty; Dad looked down at her and said, "I didn't think you had it in you Mary."
"Neither did I dad," said Mary, "until you hit him on the ass with the shovel..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chm551/dad_was_in_the_field_plowing_when_he_noticed_mary/
%
Paddy went to the bank for a loan. The teller says “I’m sorry but the loan arranger isn’t in today”.

“Ok”, paddy replies. “I’ll speak to Tonto then if he’s in”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chm27w/paddy_went_to_the_bank_for_a_loan_the_teller_says/
%
Playing dodgeball with kids is much harder than it looks.

You have to use both your hands to throw them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chm0h5/playing_dodgeball_with_kids_is_much_harder_than/
%
A blue ship and a red ship collide,

All the sailors were marooned!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chlzan/a_blue_ship_and_a_red_ship_collide/
%
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper.

During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
"Are these your grand-kids?" the reporter asked.
"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.
"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."
"Thass right." said the old man with pride.
"Well surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she is only 19," the reporter remarked.
"Yess, sir! " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me onto the bed, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."
"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"
"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chlybv/an_old_man_turned_115_and_was_being_interviewed/
%
I slept like a baby last night

I woke up crying several times and shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chlxsx/i_slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Narnia
Narnia who?
Narnia fuckin business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chlt40/knock_knock/
%
Why are there so many female archaeologists?

Because women love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chls48/why_are_there_so_many_female_archaeologists/
%
What's the difference between iron man and iron woman?

The one is a superhero and the other one is a simple command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chlqog/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
Mickey Mouse is talking to his divorce lawyer

The law contemplates for a while, then leans forward and says, “Let me get this straight. You say want to divorce your wife because she is acting really silly?”
“No, sir, I said she is fucking Goofy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chlo9h/mickey_mouse_is_talking_to_his_divorce_lawyer/
%
I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chlmli/i_met_a_girl_crying_outside_a_mall/
%
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear

Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chlj1k/the_only_thing_flatearthers_have_to_fear/
%
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

congress
(my dad told this one to me today and I had never heard of it so I apologize if everyone has already seen this joke before)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chlgev/if_pro_is_the_opposite_of_con_what_is_the/
%
Enter through one, exit through three. Once you succeed I am on thee. What am I?

A shirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chl5wp/enter_through_one_exit_through_three_once_you/
%
What did Luke say to Han and Leia when they split up?

May divorce be with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chl4bd/what_did_luke_say_to_han_and_leia_when_they_split/
%
A Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it  with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the  trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they  call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the  whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He  continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay  the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me  'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."
"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chl3fu/a_scottish_farmer_walks_into_the_neighborhood_pub/
%
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps.

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chl2y2/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctors_complaining_of/
%
What do you get if you cut an avocado into 6.02 * 10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chkywj/what_do_you_get_if_you_cut_an_avocado_into_602/
%
Why do people hate reposts on this site?

Cause they’ve already reddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chknc2/why_do_people_hate_reposts_on_this_site/
%
whats the difference between a teacher, and a train

>!the teacher says: spit out your gum!<
>!and the train says: chew chew!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chkmt6/whats_the_difference_between_a_teacher_and_a_train/
%
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty about it all day long

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.” But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering “Dave, you’re a vet…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chkkdy/doctor_dave_had_sex_with_one_of_his_patients_and/
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I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.

And then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chkcq8/i_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_where_the_sun_went/
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Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chk3ql/propellers_on_small_planes_are_actually_used_to/
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Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account.

If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chk1mh/got_fired_today_because_i_fell_for_a_scam_asking/
%
I hate car puns.

They're exhausting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chjuyp/i_hate_car_puns/
%
Two black people walking down the street

Two black people, Tyrone and Tray, are walking along the street when Tyrone says, "man, I feel as if people are treatin me different. If only there was a way to become white so people would respect me." Tray says "yeah me too, I've had 7 cops pull me over, this morning" and slugs on down the street until his eyes happen to see a "White machine 25¢." Tray exclaims "Wow lookie there Tyrone just what we're looking for!" Tyrone then says " hey Tray can i borrow 25¢ if it works i can pay you back And you can go in." Tray agrees and Tyrone goes in, lights flash things beep and steam then Tyrone comes out completely white! Tray then asks if he can get 25¢ to go through the machine. Tyrone then says "nigga get a job"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chjrst/two_black_people_walking_down_the_street/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Nothing...she just gagged a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chjok8/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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Yesterday I ran over three disabled children

Cripple kill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chjncg/yesterday_i_ran_over_three_disabled_children/
%
Kid : mom, how come you are white and I'm black ?

Mom : if I can vaguely remember the things I did in that rave party, just be thankful that you are not barking!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chjffk/kid_mom_how_come_you_are_white_and_im_black/
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Once upon a time, a mathematician was convicted of a capital crime

and brought before the king for sentencing. The king, fancying himself a bit of an amateur logician, pronounced:
"Today is Monday. On or before next Monday, you will be brought to the gallows and hanged. But, it will be on a day when you are not expecting it."
The mathematician was brought back to his cell and started to ponder the sentence. "Suppose next Monday comes and I'm still alive. He will have to execute me that day, but I would be expecting it. So it has to be before Monday. So Sunday is the last possible day. But if Sunday comes, by the same reasoning, I would be expecting it. Aha! So by induction, I can show that there is no day when he can execute me without contradicting his sentence - he's just toying with me, one logician to another. So I just have to wait out the week and he will release me."
So he waited contentedly. Until Thursday afternoon, when the hangman came - and he sure wasn't expecting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chj9cq/once_upon_a_time_a_mathematician_was_convicted_of/
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Justice is a dish best served cold

because otherwise, it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chj0sk/justice_is_a_dish_best_served_cold/
%
Math answers aren't born.

They're sum-moned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chitki/math_answers_arent_born/
%
A man walks into a talent agent’s office claiming to have a talking dog

He asks his dog, “What’s the opposite of smooth?”
Dog says “Rough!”
He asked “What’s on top of a house?”
Dog says “Roof!”
The guys asks “Who’s the greatest ball player ever?”
The dog says “Ruth!”
Unimpressed the talent agent throws them both out and the dog says “Perhaps I should have said Joe DiMaggio.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chir5l/a_man_walks_into_a_talent_agents_office_claiming/
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The Midget With a Lisp

A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm. 'What sort of horse?' said the owner. 'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. Nithe teeth.... Can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. 'Nithe eerth.' He says, 'Now...can I see her twot?' The owner, not sure if he heard correctly, replies 'Her what?' 'Twot, can I see her twot,' the dwarf says. The owner losing his patience picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chilqd/the_midget_with_a_lisp/
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How much sex does a Sister have?

Nun. They don't start the habit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chif6f/how_much_sex_does_a_sister_have/
%
Little Timmy comes to his music lessons, but when he opens his violin case, to everyone's surprise, there is an AK-47 inside instead of a violin.

Teacher: Timmy, what on earth does this mean!? Explain yourself!
Timmy: Well Mrs. Shapiro, evidently my father must be in a bank, wearing a balaklava, and about to find out that my violin is inside the case he is carrying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chicdq/little_timmy_comes_to_his_music_lessons_but_when/
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Two guys, both with black eyes, are waiting to board a plane...

Two guys, both with black eyes, we’re boarding an airplane.  One guys says to the other, “how’d you get your black eye?”
The other guy says, “well, it’s a funny story.  I was buying tickets at the counter and what I meant to say was, can I have two tickets to Pittsburgh.  What I actually said was, can I have two pickets to titsburgh. And the lady at the ticket counter punched me in the eye.”
The second guys asked the first guy, “how’d you get yours?”
The first guy said, “the same thing that happened to you happened to me.  I was sitting at the breakfast table with my wife and what I meant to say was honey, could you pass me the Cheerios?  But what I actually said was, you stupid bitch, you ruined my life.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chi775/two_guys_both_with_black_eyes_are_waiting_to/
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(Riddle)Everyone I love is dead. Who am I?

A necrophiliac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chhyfj/riddleeveryone_i_love_is_dead_who_am_i/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eye brows too high.

She seemed surprised to hear it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chhy7l/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eye_brows_too/
%
If I offer to wash your back in the shower,

All you have to do is answer, “yes”, or “no.”
None of this “Who are you and how did you get in here” nonsense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chhwuu/if_i_offer_to_wash_your_back_in_the_shower/
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[nsfw] A little girl and a bird

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on a beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up toward him and asked, "What's that under your newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied. "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he awoke, he was in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I dont know. I was lying on the beach, and this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dosed off and the next thing I know im here" The police went to the beach found the little girl and asked her "What did you do after that?" After a pause the little girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chhs05/nsfw_a_little_girl_and_a_bird/
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A cannibal invites his friend for dinner

His friend says "wow, your wife makes an excellent stew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chhq5u/a_cannibal_invites_his_friend_for_dinner/
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How did the Potato Horse run?

It scalloped!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chho6g/how_did_the_potato_horse_run/
%
So there are these two statues in a plaza

and they've been placed in such a way that they stare deep into each other's eyes. They are stuck like this, never able to touch or talk.
One day, God grants them an hour of life out of pity. They immediately run into each other's arms and embrace the joy of the situation.
They spot a bush nearby and quickly jump into it. The bush starts shaking and breathing. Squeals of joy can be heard. Half an hour later they both come out panting and sweating.
The first one turns and says, "Wow, that was amazing!"
"I know! I've waited so long for that. We have half an hour left though. What should we do?"
"Ooh! I know! How about this time, *I* hold down the pigeon and *YOU* shit on its head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chhjq8/so_there_are_these_two_statues_in_a_plaza/
%
A flat earther was asked to describe fear...

They said there was nothing to fear but sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chhgtz/a_flat_earther_was_asked_to_describe_fear/
%
A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.
The man thinks "hmmmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something."
So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
The horse came in seventh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chhgdx/a_man_wakes_up_and_looks_at_his_clock_it_is_707_am/
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I'd tell you about how I broke my redial button, but...

I can't recall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chhgbs/id_tell_you_about_how_i_broke_my_redial_button_but/
%
Why was the cannibalistic lion so humble?

He was always swallowing his pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chhfzc/why_was_the_cannibalistic_lion_so_humble/
%
What’s the difference between a gun and a feminist?

A gun only has one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chhcpp/whats_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a_feminist/
%
I attended the funeral today of the man I hit with my car...

I can’t believe I said “I’ll miss him” to his survivors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chhaq4/i_attended_the_funeral_today_of_the_man_i_hit/
%
I broke up with my girlfriend because she refused to play the limbo with me

Like seriously, how low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chha2v/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_because_she_refused/
%
How many policemen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None because they just end up beating the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chh687/how_many_policemen_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'.
The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chgz8t/a_teacher_asks_her_class_what_their_favorite/
%
Organs

Sorry you might not have gotten it because it’s an inside joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chgy5w/organs/
%
Cargo space?

Car no do that. Car no fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chgwzt/cargo_space/
%
Have you ever had erectile dysfunction and wondering how to deal with it?

Don’t worry. You'll figure it out on your own. It's not really hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chgwwm/have_you_ever_had_erectile_dysfunction_and/
%
What did the traffic light say to the car?

"Don't look! I'm about to change."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chguzr/what_did_the_traffic_light_say_to_the_car/
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Engineer 1: we need a name for the front of the plane where the pilots sit

Engineer 2: dickhole
Engineer 1: almost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chgukd/engineer_1_we_need_a_name_for_the_front_of_the/
%
I finally admit that I have a problem and I decide to see a therapist

Therapist: what brings you in today?
Me: I find myself very anxious in social situations
Therapist: please explain
Me: right now all my friends are obsessed with the Backstreet Boys and they always play “I want it that way”
Therapist: and this bothers you?
Me: I have a panic attack and need to leave right away
Therapist: tell me why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chgo9d/i_finally_admit_that_i_have_a_problem_and_i/
%
A kid walks out of the bathroom.

He sees his mom mixing up some cake batter. The kid says " hey mom, can I lick the bowl ? " The mom says       "No !! . Flush it like everyone else."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chgnsq/a_kid_walks_out_of_the_bathroom/
%
Kids today will never know how awesome pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.

Most things escape baby goats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chgnmt/kids_today_will_never_know_how_awesome_pogs_were/
%
The radius of your pizza is 'z' inch(s) , and the height of it is 'a' inch(s). Please find the volume of your pizza.

Pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chgmpn/the_radius_of_your_pizza_is_z_inchs_and_the/
%
I asked my dad if he can tell me about the birds and the bees

He just started talking about sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chgfwg/i_asked_my_dad_if_he_can_tell_me_about_the_birds/
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If you’re here for the yodeling lesson…

Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chgfh0/if_youre_here_for_the_yodeling_lesson/
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Son: hey dad,what kind of rock is this?

Dad: that’s a sex stone.
Son: Cool what’s that?
Dad: A fucking rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chgben/son_hey_dadwhat_kind_of_rock_is_this/
%
Is the Demigorgon the weirdest Sci-Fi monster?

Could be; I haven’t seen stranger things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chg4zj/is_the_demigorgon_the_weirdest_scifi_monster/
%
A chruch us having a bible selling contest

One person sold 10, another sold 20, but one man sold 300 bibles.
The preacher asks the man "How did you sell that many bibles?"
The man says "Wwwwell I...I...I went up...p...p...p to the d...d...door and said 'W...w...would you l..l..like to b...b...buy a b...b...bible or would you l...l...like me t...t...to read it to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chg4rc/a_chruch_us_having_a_bible_selling_contest/
%
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

I'm not sure how; I've never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chfv89/this_girl_said_she_recognized_me_from_the/
%
An American missionary visits a small farming village in Africa...

He's giving his fire and brimstone speech, preaching to all the locals, and they are INTO IT. "He is the light and the way," he says, "without whom we would all be damned to eternal hellfire!"
"Hazunga!" Yell the natives.
"Accept Christ as your lord and savior, or be cast down!"
"Hazunga!"
"Repent, and you, too, shall be saved!"
"Hazunga!"
After his speech, the missionary asks one of the village elders if he can see the livestock, to make sure they're well-taken care of and free of disease. The elder says, "Sure, but don't step in the hazunga."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chfu5b/an_american_missionary_visits_a_small_farming/
%
I recently bought a ornery horse named Mayo and have been trying to have a serious talk with him about his behavior but he never responds...

...After about the 4th or 5th try he looked me dead in the eye and said, "Mayo doesn't talk, Mayo neighs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chfqw9/i_recently_bought_a_ornery_horse_named_mayo_and/
%
I have this new idea for an airplane...

...but I don't think it's gonna fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chfos8/i_have_this_new_idea_for_an_airplane/
%
Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chfklj/just_left_a_cemetery_where_earlier_i_saw_4_men/
%
What did the police find in Dahmer's shower?

Head and shoulders!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chff03/what_did_the_police_find_in_dahmers_shower/
%
How does the Hulk look in a suit?

*Smashing.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chfaw2/how_does_the_hulk_look_in_a_suit/
%
What side dish does George Michael ask for with his curry?

Well I guess it would be rice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chf8vq/what_side_dish_does_george_michael_ask_for_with/
%
Life is a dick.

Sometimes it gets hard for no reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chf6nz/life_is_a_dick/
%
What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?

What the Fuck?! and What a Fuck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chf5wq/what_is_the_difference_between_frustration_and/
%
What do you call an Irishman who can deflect bullets?

Rick O' Shea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chf3ph/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_who_can_deflect/
%
Asked my dream girl out today, and she was entertained by the idea!

She just started laughing at me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chf1gp/asked_my_dream_girl_out_today_and_she_was/
%
The War in Afghanistan will pass the Age of Consent in only 3 months...

Which is ironic considering it’s been fucking young men from the beginning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chevup/the_war_in_afghanistan_will_pass_the_age_of/
%
Bartender says, “Hey! We don’t serve light particles here!”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cheucd/bartender_says_hey_we_dont_serve_light_particles/
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A man is waiting at the airport...

He looks a little uneasy as he boards the plane.  The doctor runs in and checks on him, and says, "It looks like a terminal sickness."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chetny/a_man_is_waiting_at_the_airport/
%
A recent study was conducted to find out why husbands get out of bed at night.

The results found that 5% were getting a snack, 10% percent were going to the toilet and the remaining 85% were going home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chenlz/a_recent_study_was_conducted_to_find_out_why/
%
Did you know many famous 17th century composers weren't actually very rich at all?

In fact, they were Baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chen92/did_you_know_many_famous_17th_century_composers/
%
I went to a Japanese restaurant the other night and the chef was very angry...

He lost his tempura

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chelti/i_went_to_a_japanese_restaurant_the_other_night/
%
As my Grandad used to always say "Never a lender or borrower be"

Lovely man, terrible librarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chehm7/as_my_grandad_used_to_always_say_never_a_lender/
%
Why do night owls enjoy breakups?

There ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chega4/why_do_night_owls_enjoy_breakups/
%
Lucky Pronouns.

Teacher   :Sammy, can you give me 2 pronouns?
Sammy    : Who? Me?
Teacher   : Very good. That's correct!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chefvk/lucky_pronouns/
%
A physicist sees a man standing on a ledge and says

“Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cheeik/a_physicist_sees_a_man_standing_on_a_ledge_and/
%
Went swimming today and took a piss in the deep end.

Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud i nearly fell off the top board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chebgq/went_swimming_today_and_took_a_piss_in_the_deep/
%
Wives are obligated to cook for their husbands.

According to the Geneva Convention, prisoners have a right to hot food!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cheaxh/wives_are_obligated_to_cook_for_their_husbands/
%
Alcohol is never the answer...

...but it’s worth a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/che9ov/alcohol_is_never_the_answer/
%
How do mermaids clean their tails?

With Tide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/che8uq/how_do_mermaids_clean_their_tails/
%
A police officer assaulted an incandescent light bulb.

The filament wouldn't stop resisting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/che4pl/a_police_officer_assaulted_an_incandescent_light/
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Don’t challenge death to a pillow fight unless...

you can handle the reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/che455/dont_challenge_death_to_a_pillow_fight_unless/
%
I hate my dad

He is such a motherfucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/che3el/i_hate_my_dad/
%
A man walks into a bar and notices a live band is playing...

After watching them for a bit he leans over to the bartender and says, "Hey, these guys are pretty good, but I can't help noticing the drummer keeps swinging at air with his sticks. Why is he doing that?"
The bartender responds "Yeah, I asked him about that. Apparently his favorite cymbal, that his now deceased father gave to him and on which he learned to play all his best licks, was accidently run over by their van the other day. He can't bring himself to play with a new one yet, but can't stop trying to play the old one when he gets to those parts."
"Oh" said the man, "so it's just a cymbal lick gesture."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chdxwk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_notices_a_live_band_is/
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Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chdxp0/google_announces_new_usage_of_an_old_tool_sending/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?

None...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chdx5a/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
%
More wheelchairs are being made,

after a long-standing period without them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chdspg/more_wheelchairs_are_being_made/
%
What's the difference between 2 dicks and a joke?

Your Dad cant take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chdrm7/whats_the_difference_between_2_dicks_and_a_joke/
%
An old man walks into a bar and slams a bag of gold coins down,

addresses the customers by saying, "I'll give this entire bag of coins to any man here able to drink 10 pints in 2 minutes'"
Nobody takes him up on the offer but he notices an Irishman getting up and leaving.
A few minutes later the Irishman is back and says to him, "Is yer wager still applicable"
The old man tells him it is and the bartender sets 10 pints of ale on the bar.
In a minute and a half flat the Irishman is done and the old man hands him the bag of money.
"Just one thing sir", the Old man says, " I noticed you leaving the pub earlier when I introduced my proposal".
"Aye ye did ser," says the Irishman, "I went next door to see if I could do it first".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chdo90/an_old_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_slams_a_bag_of/
%
My daughter woke me

around 11:50 last night.  My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went to the bedroom to read while I fell fast asleep watching the Giants game.
"Daddy," she whispered, while tugging my shirt sleeve.  "Guess how old I'll be next month."
"I don't know beauty, how old?" I said as I slipped on my glasses.
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It's 7:30 now.  My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chdknp/my_daughter_woke_me/
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Think you’ll be next?

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well, Do you think you’ll be next?”
We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chdeth/think_youll_be_next/
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Why did the hipster empty water from an ice cube tray into his drink?

He liked ice before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chdbvp/why_did_the_hipster_empty_water_from_an_ice_cube/
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I was told “it’ll probably take a while to get over your ex...”

Not at 60mph.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chdbh2/i_was_told_itll_probably_take_a_while_to_get_over/
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A man is walk on the beach, when he kicks a bottle.

Poof, out pops a genie. The genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother in-law gets double. Understanding the rule, the mans first wish is a billion dollars. The genie says, “ this means your mother in-law will get 2 billion”. “That’s fine”, replies the man. The mans second wish was for a 2,400 sq foot house. “As you wish”, says the genie, “that means your mother in-law will get a 4,800 sq foot home”. “Sounds good”, the man replied. “What will be your final wish”? Asked the genie. The man replied, “ I wish for you to beat me half to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chdb9w/a_man_is_walk_on_the_beach_when_he_kicks_a_bottle/
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Two cannibals are hiding in a bush trying to hide from an upcoming raid.

After a while of waiting a knight shows up.
One of the cannibals tells the other: "I don't like canned food"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chd9rc/two_cannibals_are_hiding_in_a_bush_trying_to_hide/
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Two cannibals comes across a body and start eating.

One starts at the head and the other at the feet. After a few minutes go by the guy at the head says, “Hey man how’s it going down there?” The guy says, “I’m havin a ball!” The guy at the head goes, “Woah slow down you’re eating too fast!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chd6ot/two_cannibals_comes_across_a_body_and_start_eating/
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Tyrion Lannister walks into a bar with an ass and a honey comb

He sits down on the bar and the bartender asks him whats up.
"My wife found a genie in a bottle and he gave her 3 wishes. Her first wish was a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb. Her second wish was to get a nice ass, hence the ass..."
"And what about the third wish?"
"She wished my dick reached down to my knees"
"And how is that bad?"
"I used to be 6 foot tall"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chd3s2/tyrion_lannister_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_ass_and/
%
Today I lost my mood ring

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chcxmo/today_i_lost_my_mood_ring/
%
A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed.  Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day.  The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.  So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chcx07/a_little_girl_asks_her_mother_mommy_how_was_i_born/
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A cow roams in the meadow...

She stumbles upon a glove and wonders: "Why is there a bra here ?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chcvqe/a_cow_roams_in_the_meadow/
%
Life is like a shit sandwich.

The more bread you got, the less shit you eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chcvm5/life_is_like_a_shit_sandwich/
%
A 1960s Soviet Couple is Looking to Buy Some Meat

An old married couple in Moscow wanted to celebrate their anniversary, and the wife sends her husband to the store to find meat. They are skeptical the store will have fresh meat, but it could be their last anniversary.
The old man waits in line for an hour. When he finally gets to the counter he asks the cashier for some beef, pork, or chicken. The woman laughs at him, and tells him there is no meat in the whole store.
The old man is livid. He starts yelling about what an awful country they live in, and how the system is failing when a man can't even buy a steak.
As he is making a scene a plainclothes police man comes out and pulls him aside. "Listen, old timer. You need to calm down, you know you can't make a spectacle in public like this. We're nicer now, but don't forget that not that long ago they would have taken you away and shot you in the back of the head."
The old man thanks the officer, and goes home. When he gets home the wife asks him if they had any meat.
"Of course they didn't have meat! It's much worse than that, I think they even ran out of bullets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chcnbk/a_1960s_soviet_couple_is_looking_to_buy_some_meat/
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The nurse at the sperm bank told me

I should masturbate in a cup. I told her “I’m good, but I’m not sure I’m ready to compete.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chcjn1/the_nurse_at_the_sperm_bank_told_me/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

...then a table...then a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chcj30/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My friend thanked me for introducing him to minimalism.

I replied that this was the least I could do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chchrg/my_friend_thanked_me_for_introducing_him_to/
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what do you call an xbox with super thin cusioning?

microsoft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chcf9m/what_do_you_call_an_xbox_with_super_thin_cusioning/
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"My bad" I said, as I patted on my friends back.

He looked at me with a shocked and terrified expression.
Apparently 'my bad' and 'I'm sorry' don't mean the same thing at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chcd52/my_bad_i_said_as_i_patted_on_my_friends_back/
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Justice is best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be just water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chccx3/justice_is_best_served_cold/
%
It's not like I'm into furry porn or anything...

But we've all been down that rabbit hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chcbjk/its_not_like_im_into_furry_porn_or_anything/
%
A pirate walks into a bar, with a wooden leg, a hook on his arm and an eye patch...

The Bartender looks at him and says " My god man, what happened to you?"
The pirate replies, " Well I'm a pirate. One day I did something wrong and they made me walk the plank. Before I could get out, a shark bit my leg off. Now I have to have a wooden leg."
Bartender asks, "what about your hand?"
Pirate says, " Swordfight, another pirate cut my hand off and now I have to wear a hook".
Bartender asks, "And your eye?"
"Seagull shit in it."
Bartender asks, "You lost your eye because a seagull shit in it?"
Pirate replies, "It was my first day with the hook!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chc9qj/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_wooden_leg_a/
%
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you’re ready for the reaper cushions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chc3mv/never_challenge_death_to_a_pillow_fight/
%
A guy hires a contractor to do some work on his house

He doesn’t like the front of his house and decided he wants new columns, new everything. He selects a contractor and starts working on choosing materials. He ultimately decides on a wooden column with a rustic flair, and a slate tile under the front porch.
The contractor does the work well—he starts by removing the old columns, then installs the new one, and inserts the tile in a beautiful fashion around the porch.
The man, who has been staying at a hotel, comes by one afternoon to check out the progress, and he hates the way it looks. He can’t stand the aesthetic and immediately demands the contractor replace the tile with wood flooring or something that goes better with the columns.
The contractor, however, says he’d have to redo the entire project, columns and all. The man is furious and demands to know why.
“Sorry,” says the contractor. “Once you’ve done the post, you can’t edit the tile.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chbveq/a_guy_hires_a_contractor_to_do_some_work_on_his/
%
Did you hear about the scandal with Elon Musk embezzling money for his surgery to make him taller?

Look it up, it's called Elongate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chbov8/did_you_hear_about_the_scandal_with_elon_musk/
%
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chbizh/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_check/
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Current Year Edge vs Old School Edge

Old School Edge: what's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it? The Holocaust.
Current Year Edge: what's worse than the Holocaust? Biting into an apple and finding a worm in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chbioh/current_year_edge_vs_old_school_edge/
%
How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chbgsr/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
%
Guy walks into a bar

Sits down and asks the bartender for a rum and coke the bartender says ok and gives him an apple the man obviously confused looks at the bartender and says what the fuck is this I ordered a drink not an apple the bartender says just try it so he takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise it tastes just like rum the bartender says now turn it around so he does takes a bite and says wow this tastes just like coke!! The second guy walks into the bar sits down and says let me get a gin and tonic the bartender hands him an apple he looks as puzzled as the first but before he can say anything he first guy says just try it so he takes a bite and is amazed that it tastes like gin they tell him to turn it around and take a bite he does and is amazed that it tastes like tonic the third guy walks in the bar sits down and tell the bartender he dosnt know what to drink the first two guys tell him that the bartender has an apple for any flavor so he looks at the bartender and says do you have one that’s pussy flavored the bartender says do I have one that’s pussy flavored?? Reaches down grabs an apple and places it in front of the man he looks at for a minute then takes a bite immediately spits it out and yells THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!! They all look at him and say turn it around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chbfa2/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I need me a girl with a contagious laugh...

So when she looks at my dick, I can laugh too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chbf48/i_need_me_a_girl_with_a_contagious_laugh/
%
[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?
SON: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chb9jr/getting_home_from_fishing_trip/
%
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chb98d/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
I heard you like making bird jokes

Well, toucan play at that game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chb7ga/i_heard_you_like_making_bird_jokes/
%
What did Sonic say on Yom Kippur?

*Gotta go fast*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chb3yc/what_did_sonic_say_on_yom_kippur/
%
UPS delivery girl

About 15 minutes ago, a UPS delivery girl came up to the door, saying that my dad has a huge package.
I told my mom, and she's upset.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chb1w7/ups_delivery_girl/
%
Why did Tarzan's dog run away?

You'd run away too if your name was "OohOohAahAahAAAHAHA!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chazi0/why_did_tarzans_dog_run_away/
%
Two pieces of tarmac are sitting at a bar having a drink...

Suddenly, a red piece of tarmac storms into the bar and one of the pieces of tarmac having a drink jumps under the table to hide, his friend says to him, “what are you doing?”, he replies, “hiding, you don’t want to mess with him, he’s a cyclepath.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chawkk/two_pieces_of_tarmac_are_sitting_at_a_bar_having/
%
When I drink alcohol people call me an alcoholic but when I drink Fanta...

Nobody calls me or texts me guys I'm lonley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chatoc/when_i_drink_alcohol_people_call_me_an_alcoholic/
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Bear Hunting

Frank was excited about his new rifle.  So, he went bear hunting.  He Spotted a small brown bear and shot it.  There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: "You've got two choices.  I either maul you to death or I fuck you up the ass."
Frank decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.  He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.  The grizzly said:  "That was a huge mistake, Frank.  You've got two choices.  Either I maul you to death or I really tear up your ass."
Again, Frank decided to bend over.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.  Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.  He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chat4t/bear_hunting/
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How do you tell the difference between a male chromosome and a female chromosome?

You pull down their genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chat3g/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_male/
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Peaceful Place

Picture yourself near a stream.  Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.  Nothing can bother you here.  No one knows this secret place.  You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."  The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.  The water is clear.  So clear, you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under water.
There now...feeling better?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/charlx/peaceful_place/
%
I found out that I have a fetish for discovering things

I just came to the realization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/charkr/i_found_out_that_i_have_a_fetish_for_discovering/
%
A couple had just gone to bed

when they started feeling frisky. After some passionate foreplay, the wife climbed on top and her husband suddenly pushed her off.
“Why did you do that?” She asked. “I’m always on top!”
He said, “My boss told me today that I’d be fired if I fucked up one more time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chalpz/a_couple_had_just_gone_to_bed/
%
I asked the anesthesiologist if I could administer my own anesthetic...

He said “go ahead, knock yourself out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chakl4/i_asked_the_anesthesiologist_if_i_could/
%
A boy desperately needs money to buy a car.

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.
Weeks later, the boy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him.
"Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks.
"They will pay me the next day to fix it," the boy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to £100 just for putting their fence back."
"But why do you need the money?"
The boy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chafx9/a_boy_desperately_needs_money_to_buy_a_car/
%
I am British and my American girlfriend thinks we may be incompatible in bed...

I think a weak pound may have something to do with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/chac3b/i_am_british_and_my_american_girlfriend_thinks_we/
%
The Quran is like weed...

if you burn it you get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cha9p7/the_quran_is_like_weed/
%
Why is divorce so damn expensive?

Because it's worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cha70g/why_is_divorce_so_damn_expensive/
%
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...

...she looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cha6wu/i_told_my_wife_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too_high/
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My girlfriend got annoyed with my habit of giving my penis nicknames, and left

Guess it's time to take Matters into my own hands now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cha6ry/my_girlfriend_got_annoyed_with_my_habit_of_giving/
%
I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling.

When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cha2rc/i_was_at_a_family_barbecue_yesterday_night_and_my/
%
I'm a firm believer of traditional wisdom. So I use the world's first and most effective contraceptive there is,

Being really fucking ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cha0a1/im_a_firm_believer_of_traditional_wisdom_so_i_use/
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Do you think Disney wanted a ginger for the little mermaid

But the casting director was dyslexic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch9zgv/do_you_think_disney_wanted_a_ginger_for_the/
%
There was a kidnapping at my son’s school yesterday.

Don’t worry, he woke up eventually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch9kah/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_my_sons_school_yesterday/
%
Can a match box?

No, but a tin can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch9it6/can_a_match_box/
%
Some people think of this as the hottest summer in the last 125 years

But I like to think of it as the coolest summer in the next 125 years. Glass half full!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch9f0o/some_people_think_of_this_as_the_hottest_summer/
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A soldier runs up to a nun...

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch9cki/a_soldier_runs_up_to_a_nun/
%
Breaking Noose!

Man fails to commit suicide!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch99ym/breaking_noose/
%
How many apples grow on a tree?

.
.
.
.
All of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch97os/how_many_apples_grow_on_a_tree/
%
So I was walking on the streets the other day...

So I was walking on the streets the other day, and I saw this poor guy getting beaten up by 3 other guys. I decided to jump in and help.
He didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch93zj/so_i_was_walking_on_the_streets_the_other_day/
%
What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful includes things like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch920x/whats_the_difference_between_unlawful_and_illegal/
%
What’s it called when a 3 year old antivaxx kid starts having a fit?

A midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch916j/whats_it_called_when_a_3_year_old_antivaxx_kid/
%
I always wanted to spend money lavishly.

I just never expected it to be on groceries, insurance, and gasoline.
#ihatebeinganadult

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch8ymv/i_always_wanted_to_spend_money_lavishly/
%
When a clock is hungry

It goes back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch8w9f/when_a_clock_is_hungry/
%
A co worker asked me where Pakistan was today...

"He's outside with Paki Steve" I told him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch8uq2/a_co_worker_asked_me_where_pakistan_was_today/
%
A motorcyclist is in an accident.

He wakes up in the hospital to find a doctor at his bedside.
"Oh good, you are awake" the doctor says. "Listen, you have been in a motorcycle accident. It was pretty severe."
"How severe?" the man asks.
"Well, to that end there is good news and bad news. Which would you prefer?"
"I suppose I will hear the bad news first." the man says.
"Well, the bad news is there was severe damage to your legs and both have been amputated at the knee."
The man was devastated. His whole life he had ridden motorcycles. He had never owned a car, opting instead to experience the elements and brave the world on two wheels. Sorrow begins to spread throughout him and he feels a stinging in his eyes. Looking back to the doctor, his form blurred from the man's tears, he asks "and the good news?"
"The man across he hall has offered to purchase your riding boots."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch8qm1/a_motorcyclist_is_in_an_accident/
%
My little brother Jimmy is such an ungrateful fuck.

I purchased a trampoline for him yesterday and all he’s done since is cry in his wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch8q6r/my_little_brother_jimmy_is_such_an_ungrateful_fuck/
%
If reddit wasn’t full of so many reposts

It would just be called ‘ditt’
This is probably a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch8q1l/if_reddit_wasnt_full_of_so_many_reposts/
%
I asked my one-legged friend where he'd like to eat.

"Ihop"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch8pim/i_asked_my_onelegged_friend_where_hed_like_to_eat/
%
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today...

Should of put it on aloha temperature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch8o2m/burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
%
What do you call a snail that smokes weed?

A trailblazer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch8f3s/what_do_you_call_a_snail_that_smokes_weed/
%
Two Italian men

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is  galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come  once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee  twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm
just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch8d9m/two_italian_men/
%
You're fired!

A company hired a new CEO. This boss wanted to get rid all of the slackers.
One day, he saw a young man against the wall. He wanted to prove himself that he meant business.
The CEO walked up to the man and asked, "How much do you make a week?"
The man replied"$200 a week. Why?"
The CEO handed the guy $200 in cash and shouted,"Here's a week's pay. Now LEAVE and don't come back. The man left.
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO asked an employee,"Who was that?"
With a grin,the employee replied" The pizza deliver guy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch8arf/youre_fired/
%
Couple in Bed

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey.  I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over.  A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.  "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch838f/couple_in_bed/
%
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp

Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge. But today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross.
“Something for this I have,” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular, dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this,” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers!
“That’s ok Master,” Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda...” he asks, “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely:
“A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch7xkd/yoda_and_luke_are_walking_through_the_swamp/
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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch7x3k/i_bought_a_porn_dvd_today_and_i_put_it_in_the_dvd/
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What did the 0 say to the 10?

Where did you meet the one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch7wc3/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_10/
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There is a woman, she is dying in her bed in her home.

Her husband is by her side, weeping.
“You know what I would like, before dying? She asks. I’d like to make love to you one last time”.
The husband agrees.
They start slow, gentle, but taken by their passion it becomes more frenetic. He start taking her in several positions, then he pulls her from the bed, ripping all the medical equipment he start savagely fucking her all over the room.
At first she was pale and weak but as their love making intensify, she becomes more energetic. Her complexion comes back to normal. Her body start healing, she can feel it. She becomes more active and soon she’s the one taking all the initiative.
After many acrobatics and smashing all the furniture in the room they finally reach the most intense climax they have ever experienced.
The woman is completely healed. She knows it. She feels it. She jump in the air full of life and start laughing from happiness.
But the man start weeping.
“Honey, what’s the matter?”
“I’m just realizing that I could have saved my mother…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch7p3q/there_is_a_woman_she_is_dying_in_her_bed_in_her/
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Gorilla in my tree

Last day I looked out into my garden, and I saw a gorilla sitting in on of my trees. Then I found this guy online, supposedly he should be very good at catching gorillas. After calling him he told me that he would be at my house as fast as possible. He arrives, but he only has a net, gun and a small dog with him. “So what’s the plan I ask him”, he answers, “you take the gun, I climb up into the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on, when it falls down, my special trained dog bites the gorilla in his nuts, that’ll give me time to come down and catch it in my net!”
I say, “ that’s a good plan! But what is the gun for?”
He then looks at me and says, “you see, if I fall down before the gorilla does, you better shoot that dog!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch7ozo/gorilla_in_my_tree/
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How do you drown a hipster?

Throw him into the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch7jyj/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
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Why are women so bad at parallel parking?

They've been constantly lied to about how much 8 inches really is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch7hun/why_are_women_so_bad_at_parallel_parking/
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A guest dining in a classy restaurant drops his spoon before finishing his soup. (Nsfw)

Before he could reach down to pick it up,  a server was already standing next to him holding a replacement.
"Wow! That was tremendously fast. The service here is impeccable.  How did you do that?."
"Well, all of the servers here have an extra piece of cutlery on their tray at all times just incase this happens. It's efficient, as we don't need to make an extra trip to the back.
"What a great idea!  Thank you again. Oh, by the way, I thought you should know there's a string dangling from the front of your pants you may wish to take care of later."
"Oh yes. That's another one of our efficiencies.  The string is tied to my penis, so I don't need to touch anything when I go to the bathroom.  It saves time not having to wash hands, as I can just tug the string to get it out. "
The guest was a bit weirded out by this, but went along. "I suppose it sounds like a good idea.  And it's probably cleaner too... but how do you get your penis back into your pants without touching it?"
"Well I'm not sure about the other servers, but I use my spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch7hqt/a_guest_dining_in_a_classy_restaurant_drops_his/
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I promised my wife, I’d love her 24/7

Today is the day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch7gmn/i_promised_my_wife_id_love_her_247/
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People who claim they like golden showers ...

... are probably taking the piss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch7glv/people_who_claim_they_like_golden_showers/
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When my mate was recently sent to jail he took it really badly....refused food, swore at everyone and smeared shit all over the walls.

I’m never playing Monopoly with him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch7f72/when_my_mate_was_recently_sent_to_jail_he_took_it/
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Winston Churchill

Women (to Winston Churchill): If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee.
WC: If you were my wife, I'd drink it!
This joke always makes me laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch7c3c/winston_churchill/
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A man walks into a bar and orders six shots of tequila

The bartender asks, "What are you celebrating"? The man replies, "My first blowjob"! The bartender was ecstatic and offered the man a seventh shot of tequila free on the house. The man refuses the kind gesture and says, "If six shots doesn't get this taste out of my mouth, then a seventh won't either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch78zg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_six_shots_of/
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A woman bought a new scale and is having breakfast with her husband.

He: “The new scale is great, since we have it I can check how much I poop.”
She: “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”
He: “Oh…that way seems to be even easier…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch772u/a_woman_bought_a_new_scale_and_is_having/
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Sure, 69 is nice, but I prefer to 77...

'Cause you get 8 more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch74el/sure_69_is_nice_but_i_prefer_to_77/
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What's the difference between poisonous & venomous ?

If it bites you and you die, its venomous
If you bite it and you die, its poisonous
If it bites you and it dies, its voodoo
If it bites you and nobody dies its kinky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch703a/whats_the_difference_between_poisonous_venomous/
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How is a condom and woman similar?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch6yop/how_is_a_condom_and_woman_similar/
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Breakups in china are the worst

Everywhere i go, i see her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch6vd9/breakups_in_china_are_the_worst/
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An elderly Italian man went to church for confession

Man : Father, during World War 2, a very beautiful woman came to hide in my home
Priest : A good deed my son
Man : She started repaying me with sex. Daily.
Priest : If you are truly sorry then you are forgiven...
Man : Do you think I should tell her the War is over?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch6vc6/an_elderly_italian_man_went_to_church_for/
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John Cena gets into a car wreck and ends up in the hospital...

After being in a coma for 3 days he wakes up and asks the nurse, "Where am I?"  The nurse responds, "ICU".
John Cena replies, "NO YOU DON'T!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch6o54/john_cena_gets_into_a_car_wreck_and_ends_up_in/
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I have a girlfriend that's addicted to inhaling helium.

If she keeps it up, I'm just going to have to let her go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch6ms0/i_have_a_girlfriend_thats_addicted_to_inhaling/
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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.
1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.
2nd patient kept shouting at the door "OPEN SESAME".
3rd patient looked at the door, paused for a moment, then struck the door with his foot.
4th patient laughed hysterically and whispered to the door "It is me Chad, open the door honey".
5th patient watched all the other patients, from afar, and just smiled.
The doctors, impressed with the 5th patient's response, went to this patient and asked him why he didn't join the other patients in opening the door.
The 5th patient replied: "There is no way in hell they can open that door".
The doctors started smiling and looking at each other in amusement. They ask the 5th patient, "Why can't they open the door?"
The 5th patient replies: "That door won't open because I have the mother fucking KEY!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch6kyv/a_group_of_doctors_in_a_psychiatric_ward_wanted/
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I finally got a girlfriend!

I wish I could post this on any other sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch6jqg/i_finally_got_a_girlfriend/
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I just found out that Aaarghhh is not a real word.

I can’t even tell you how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch6dh5/i_just_found_out_that_aaarghhh_is_not_a_real_word/
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A husband walks into the bedroom, is shocked by what he sees and shouts, "Oh my God Carol, no!" She explains, "But I told you all about us." He cried, "I thought you said you were doing YOGA!"

"Embarrassing this is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch6cy2/a_husband_walks_into_the_bedroom_is_shocked_by/
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What's the best thing about elevators ?

They work on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch6bzv/whats_the_best_thing_about_elevators/
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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. "Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk. "Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch6b57/i_recall_my_first_time_with_a_condom_i_must_have/
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What do an Iranian Submarine and an Iranian Camel have in common?

They're both full of Iranian seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch6a57/what_do_an_iranian_submarine_and_an_iranian_camel/
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I visited Chernobyl many times...

I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been there. It’s 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch6458/i_visited_chernobyl_many_times/
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What do you call a group of waluigis having sex

A walu-orgy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch5zob/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_waluigis_having_sex/
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I tried making a joke about butter

it didn't churn out well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch5xgj/i_tried_making_a_joke_about_butter/
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Wanted to marry my English teacher when she came out of jail.

However, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch5shq/wanted_to_marry_my_english_teacher_when_she_came/
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How does a priest find out if the new altar boy has a pure laugh?

Using test tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch5s01/how_does_a_priest_find_out_if_the_new_altar_boy/
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if you’re ever bored, punch an orphan.

What are they gonna do? tell their parents?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch5rpx/if_youre_ever_bored_punch_an_orphan/
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Someone figured out my password

Sucks, now i gotta rename my dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch5pds/someone_figured_out_my_password/
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Castaway

A young man was on a cruise ship to Hawaii.   He somehow fell overboard unnoticed, but luckily managed to get himself onto a small uninhabited island.
Luckily for him, he was a avid watcher of all those “survival” shows and managed to situate himself comfortably.  After scouring the island, he had noticed that also stranded with him was a lonely sheep and a feral dog.
A couple months pass and he was already getting tired of the monotony of  surviving and the occasional
self pleasuring “rituals” before bed.
The following morning, he spotted the sheep near his campsite. It may have been from the heat, but he started fantasizing about “getting it on” with the sheep. He thought to himself for a minute and decided to go for it. Already excited with a raging boner he slowly approached the sheep. As he was about to grab the sheep, the dog came charging out of the brush and chased the sheep away.
This continued for a week. Whenever he got close to the sheep the dog repeatedly chased the sheep away.
One morning, a faint moaning woke him. He jumped up, looked around, and saw a naked, gorgeous woman washed up on the beach. He helped her recover and settle in. Grateful for his help, she told him in a seductive voice, “I’ll do anything for you, I’ll do anything with you, just ask and it will be yours.”
The man got a instant boner.  He leaned in to her and whispered “go hold that fuckin dog while I go and fuck the sheep!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch5mah/castaway/
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There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch5m4f/there_is_a_man_he_is_dying_in_his_bed_in_his_home/
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“Ring!”

Whoever invents knock knock jokes should be awarded a no bell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch5ius/ring/
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24/7 love

If you told someone you love them 24/7, today is the day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch5i14/247_love/
%
Do you know why flamingos lift up one leg when sleeping?

Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch5hw9/do_you_know_why_flamingos_lift_up_one_leg_when/
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My friend crashed his car into an Indian restaurant

Now he’s in a korma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch5hr1/my_friend_crashed_his_car_into_an_indian/
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What do you call it when a thousand rabbits jump backwards?

A receding hare line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch5ax6/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_thousand_rabbits_jump/
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How do you know when its bedtime at michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch58i7/how_do_you_know_when_its_bedtime_at_michael/
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Why can't you trust people who wear sunglasses?

Cause they are shady as hell. You can see it in their eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch54xa/why_cant_you_trust_people_who_wear_sunglasses/
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A woman is sitting at her deceased husbands funeral

A man leans into her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora” and sits back down.
“Thanks.” The woman says “That means a lot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch54f4/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
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I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first.

Sadly he beat me to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch51ha/i_challenged_my_dad_to_a_race_to_see_who_would/
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A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a brand new bag...

The girl, excited, replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad!"
I'll show myself out now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch4ylw/a_father_in_iraq_gifted_his_daughter_a_brand_new/
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An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.
Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support families in need of assistance.
The Social Worker grabs the nearest bag and plummets out of the aircraft.
Lawyer: I deserve to live because I advocate for my clients through my sharp wit and massive knowledge.
The lawyer grabs the second bag and plummets out of the aircraft.
Doctor: I deserve to live because i help diagnose ill people with my specialized training.
The doctor grabs the third bag and plummets out of the aircraft.
This leaves only the schoolboy and the old man in the plane with it descending toward the ground.
The Old Man: Go ahead boy. Take the last parachute. You have many years ahead of you while I am just an Old Man who is soon to die anyway.
Schoolboy: Thats ok Old Man we can both take a parachute. Look there are still two left
The Old Man’s eyes widen with surprise.
The Old Man: Wha...but how is this possible
Schoolboy: The lawyer with the sharp wit and massive knowledge took my school backpack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch4vs0/an_old_man_a_schoolboy_a_lawyer_a_doctor_and_a/
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Two hunters are on a trip...

...when suddenly, one of them clutches his chest. He coughs, he wheezes, then he falls over. Panicked, the other hunter takes out his cellphone and calls 911. He explains the situation:
"I'm hunting with a friend of mine and I'm afraid he's just had a heart attack. I think he's dead. What can I do?"
"Stay calm", the operator advises him, "first of all, you should make sure your friend is really dead."
"Got it", the hunter replies. A few seconds of silence follow, then the operator can hear a gunshot.
"Okay, I'm back", the hunter says. "Now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch4sxn/two_hunters_are_on_a_trip/
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What do u call a knight who’s really sketchy?

Sir Spishus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch4gps/what_do_u_call_a_knight_whos_really_sketchy/
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My teacher took my phone after he caught me and said I could reclaim it next class

It was a long summer vacation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch4gfj/my_teacher_took_my_phone_after_he_caught_me_and/
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As my own boss, I wasn’t sure if I could fire myself, so I decided to test it.

I really let myself go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch4g15/as_my_own_boss_i_wasnt_sure_if_i_could_fire/
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A man was found at a farmers market in a small town in yorkshire, kissing a girl that was not his wife

Turns out he was having a Scarborough affair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch4dd8/a_man_was_found_at_a_farmers_market_in_a_small/
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My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce.

They just don’t communicate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch49i2/my_parents_are_both_mimes_but_theyve_recently/
%
What do plants like to eat?

A Light snack...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch48ak/what_do_plants_like_to_eat/
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I am therefore I think

Or is that putting Descartes before the horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch47vf/i_am_therefore_i_think/
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What did the acceptance letter to pee school say?

Urine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch47nk/what_did_the_acceptance_letter_to_pee_school_say/
%
A dyslexic man was arrested for storming area 15

He was released as authorities felt bad for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch46ul/a_dyslexic_man_was_arrested_for_storming_area_15/
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Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch4509/why_is_it_so_hard_to_break_up_with_a_japanese_girl/
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The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.
The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the farmer, "my car broke down on the road about a mile away, and I was wondering if I could use your phone."
The farmer told the man that he didn't have a phone, but in the morning, he would drive him into town. He would give him a place to stay during the night, "but you must promise that you won't touch the white ape."
"The white ape?" asked the man. "What's the white ape?"
"Promise you won't touch it!"
"OK, OK, I won't!"
The farmer showed the man to his room, and the man went to bed.
But as the night wore on, the man couldn't get to sleep. He kept wondering, "What in the world is the white ape? And why can't I touch it?"
The man couldn't get back to sleep, so he got up and went down to the kitchen to find some milk or something to help him creep to dreamland.
Upon arriving at the bottom of the stairs, he found that the old farmer was sitting in the kitchen, also apparently not able to sleep.
"Sir," said the man, "I've been tossing and turning all night--I just want to know: What *is* the white ape?"
The farmer sighed and said, "Come on. I'll show him to you. But you *can't* touch him."
The man agreed.
The farmer led him outside, to the backyard. They went through eight cement doors, each one thicker than the last. Finally, they came to a huge room with a gigantic cage sitting in the middle of it. In the cage was a tremendously large white ape, snoring away.
"Ahhhhh ..." said the man. "Now I understand."
The two went inside.
And yet, the man was not satisfied. He lay in bed thinking, "That was the white ape ... but why can't I touch it? Just one, tiny touch can't hurt ... can it?"
So he climbed out of bed, stealthily made his way down the stairs, sneaked out the back door, continued through the gate, and crept to the side of the cage where the ape was sleeping. Slowly, quietly, he reached his hand through the bars and touched the ape ...
Its humongous eyes immediately jerked open. It roared.
Frightened, the man backed up, nearly tripping over himself.
The ape jumped to its feet, shook the cage doors, and broke them easily. Panicked, the man turned around and ran for his life.
The ape came after him, breaking the cement walls as he came. Faster, and faster, he was gaining on the man.
The man spotted the old farmer's truck. He jumped in, spotted the keys on the seat, threw them in the ignition, and revved the engine to life. He peeled out of the driveway as quickly as he could, but the ape didn't relent. It continued after him.
Faster and faster, he pressed on the accelerator, but he couldn't outrun the ape--it was gaining on him. Finally, the man lost control of the truck and ran it into the ditch.
The ape ran up to the car, roared, and ripped the door off the vehicle. It reached inside, slapped the man on the arm and screamed, "TAG!!! YOU'RE IT!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch43nz/the_white_ape/
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I once went to a very highly anticipated zoo. But to my disappointment there was only one animal, a dog.

It was a *Shih Tzu.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch423t/i_once_went_to_a_very_highly_anticipated_zoo_but/
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I hate cutting up peaches.

It's the pits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch40s6/i_hate_cutting_up_peaches/
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What is Jesus‘s least favorite cocktail?

A rusty nail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch3zwn/what_is_jesuss_least_favorite_cocktail/
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Why isn't there any transgender person in matrix ?

Most of them are non-binary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch3yoz/why_isnt_there_any_transgender_person_in_matrix/
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Guys, wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank today, and if all goes well, I’ll be out of debt.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch3sfb/guys_wish_me_luck_i_have_a_meeting_at_the_bank/
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Frankenstein's monster was really worried one day

"Pull yourself together", said Frankenstein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch3sec/frankensteins_monster_was_really_worried_one_day/
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I told my son he can be whatever he wants...

he decided to become stillborn :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch3qkf/i_told_my_son_he_can_be_whatever_he_wants/
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When little Timmy went to school

And mastered one to nine,
He thought the other kids were cool,
And every class divine.
He painted shapes in red and blue,
And drew in curves and bends.
By the time the day was through,
He had made a hundred friends!
"I'm pals with Pete, and Mike, and Max!"
He told his dad with pride.
But Timmy's parents were anti-vaxxers,
And Timmy fucking died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch3pf2/when_little_timmy_went_to_school/
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Children should never run with scissors.

And lesbians should never scissor with the runs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch3oeh/children_should_never_run_with_scissors/
%
Whoever invented the shovel is a genius

It was a groundbreaking invention

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch3htc/whoever_invented_the_shovel_is_a_genius/
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Why is six afraid of seven?

Seven is a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch3ad1/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
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You know you can tell the difference between a boy and a girl ant by putting it in water?

If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch343k/you_know_you_can_tell_the_difference_between_a/
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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch2sto/my_best_friend_called_me_and_said_an_evil_wizard/
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Ventriloquist and the farmer

A ventriloquist was walking past a farm and saw a farmer sitting on his porch. “I’m gonna screw with this guy” he thought and walked over to say hi.
“Hello farmer. I can talk to animals. Mind if I talk to your dog?”
The farmer scoffed, “Sure buddy. That dog hasn’t ever said a word to me but good luck anyway!” He chuckled.
“How’s it going dog? Is the farmer a good master?” The ventriloquist throws his voice.
“Oh yeah! He takes me for walks and gives me treats. He’s a good farmer!” Says the dog. The farmer is amazed!! “Why that mutt ain’t never said nothing to me!”
The ventriloquist says”I told you! I can talk to animals! Mind if I talk to your horse?”
The farmer is on the edge of his seat! “Yessir please do! I can’t believe this!”
“Hey horse, how’s it going? Is this farmer a good master?” The ventriloquist says.
“Yes he is!” Says the horse”he bought me a new saddle and gives me the best hay. He’s a good farmer”
Again, the farmer is stunned. “That’s amazing! I never heard that horse talk in my life!”
The ventriloquist smirks. “Glad to hear these animals love you! Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
“That sheep’s a liar!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch2ruf/ventriloquist_and_the_farmer/
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When Borris Johnson and Donald Trump have sex, who’s on top?

Vladimir Putin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch2pxg/when_borris_johnson_and_donald_trump_have_sex/
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What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you stick the cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch2edw/whats_the_difference_between_hungry_and_horny/
%
The Elder Gods don't pay for cable TV, HBO, or FiOS...

They have Cth-Hulu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch2d9b/the_elder_gods_dont_pay_for_cable_tv_hbo_or_fios/
%
I'm a very hairy guy, so...

...to me, the whole concept of manscaping is pretty nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch2ctb/im_a_very_hairy_guy_so/
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I haven’t had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a General in the Army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said “1956 ma’am.” The woman, taken back by this answer said “1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better…” and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the Army General afterward and said: “well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1956... “. The general looked at her confused and said “well I sure hope not. It’s only 2130 now!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch2bo7/i_havent_had_sex_since_1956/
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Election and erection.

Election and erection are spelled almost exactly the same. They mean the same thing too, a dick rising to power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch1tgc/election_and_erection/
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Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes?

At the owlet malls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch1osw/where_do_owls_go_to_buy_their_young_baby_clothes/
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I stopped seeing this girl after I found out she was a communist.

I could see all the red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch1of6/i_stopped_seeing_this_girl_after_i_found_out_she/
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John Denver used to own a weed shack

It was called "Rocky Mountain High"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch1kld/john_denver_used_to_own_a_weed_shack/
%
An old grandma brings the bus driver peanuts every single day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch1gu9/an_old_grandma_brings_the_bus_driver_peanuts/
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I was gonna make a joke about Braille.

But it’s kind of a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch1d2n/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_about_braille/
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The Driver has Solomon's Wisdom

Two women in a bus were fighting bitterly over the last seat available.
The conductor already tried to intervene but to no avail. So the driver shouted, "Let the ugly one take the seat!"
Both women stood for the rest of the journey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch1adt/the_driver_has_solomons_wisdom/
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Why does Mario prefer to hang out with Toad more than Luigi?

Because he's a fungi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch1a7w/why_does_mario_prefer_to_hang_out_with_toad_more/
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My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

It looks like the boa cons tricked her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch142i/my_wife_tried_to_order_an_exotic_snake_online_but/
%
What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles in your pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch12ls/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
NSFW Why can't you have surprise butt sex?

You gotta plan for that shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch0yby/nsfw_why_cant_you_have_surprise_butt_sex/
%
Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch0pl3/why_are_computers_so_smart/
%
There’s a new machine down at the gym today,

I used it for an hour and felt sick, it’s great though, got everything, KitKats, M&Ms, Snickers, the lot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch0o0s/theres_a_new_machine_down_at_the_gym_today/
%
Why do cows have hooves and not feet?

Because they lactose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch0i37/why_do_cows_have_hooves_and_not_feet/
%
What does a genital mutilator say at the end of a long day?

"Ahhh, time to hit the sack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch0gtx/what_does_a_genital_mutilator_say_at_the_end_of_a/
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The new Director of Public Transportation is obsessed with "green" fuels.

He's made all the buses run on thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch0gao/the_new_director_of_public_transportation_is/
%
I took a course on speed waiting

Now I can wait a whole hour in just 25 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch0c0s/i_took_a_course_on_speed_waiting/
%
I read another horror story in braille.

Some of the words were worn off and I could tell something bad was going to happen, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch0bzf/i_read_another_horror_story_in_braille/
%
When is the best time to buy a chicken?

When they're going "Cheep!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch0bms/when_is_the_best_time_to_buy_a_chicken/
%
I asked my North Korean friend “How are you?”

He said “Can’t complain”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch08g3/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_are_you/
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Little Johnny had a foul mouth

His mother was at the end of her wit. Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.
"Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words. I don't know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor blush! What do I do?"
"Well, do you give him any allowance?"
"Yes, ten dollars. Should I take his allowance?"
"No, that would cause more harm than good. Instead, you will tell him that, for every bad word he says, you will deduct a penny from his allowance. At the end of the month, he will donate the deducted money to the Church as a way to ask for forgiveness. That will teach him the consequences of his actions and also to value his money."
The mother was glad with the plan and did so. At the end of the month, little Johnny came to the Church to pay for his language.
"So, my son," said the Priest. "How many bad words did you spoke this month?"
"999, Father"
"NINE HUN--" the Priest sighed. "Well, I hope this will teach you a lesson about controlling that tongue of yours. So, pay up, $ 9.99 from your allowance"
Pulling a face, the boy passes a ten dollar bill to the Priest.
"Oh, my son, I don't have any change"
"No problem, Father, go fuck yourself, and now we are even."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch04bi/little_johnny_had_a_foul_mouth/
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Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it

I'm reading a horror story in braille

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch03um/something_bad_is_about_to_happen_i_can_feel_it/
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What’s the first thing Micheal Jackson does when playing Minecraft?

He changes his skin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch02ra/whats_the_first_thing_micheal_jackson_does_when/
%
I thought my vasectomy would stop my wife from getting babies

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch01ve/i_thought_my_vasectomy_would_stop_my_wife_from/
%
Sometimes I wanna play games with my dad

But he beats me everytime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ch01t6/sometimes_i_wanna_play_games_with_my_dad/
%
I gave Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it's the most violent book he had ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgzzkq/i_gave_stevie_wonder_a_cheese_grater_for_his/
%
Just bought a set of twelve Steve Martin films at 75% off.

They were cheaper by the dozen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgzox7/just_bought_a_set_of_twelve_steve_martin_films_at/
%
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?

Get in the batmobile Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgzn0t/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_they_got_in/
%
Why cant you bring kids to an orchestra?

Too much sax and violins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgzkrt/why_cant_you_bring_kids_to_an_orchestra/
%
A few years back I bought the wife a water bed for her birthday!

But sadly, we drifted apart...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgzja5/a_few_years_back_i_bought_the_wife_a_water_bed/
%
Eating ass on a plane?

Now that's what I call Skyrim!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgziw8/eating_ass_on_a_plane/
%
At first I was really against contracting a brain parasite

But then it grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgzg6m/at_first_i_was_really_against_contracting_a_brain/
%
What's the best way to move 300 sheets of dry wall.

Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him
"What's the best way to move all this dry wall?"
He said "hire someone else to do it for way less then what it's worth."
I said "well why don't we do that"
He said "I already did... Get back to work!"
It's way less funny when I type it out TBH but I'ma post it anyways but picture u being there makes it funnier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgzbko/whats_the_best_way_to_move_300_sheets_of_dry_wall/
%
My ThermoFluids prof told us this one before a final

Four engineers get into a car and try to turn it on, but it doesn't start.
The mechanical engineer immediately pipes up and says "The pistons must be shot! Someone get me tool kit and I'll take apart the engine to fix it."
The chemical engineer then goes "No, no, no the fuel is clearly contaminated, you can smell it in the exhaust."
The electrical engineer speaks up "Both of you are completely wrong, the cars battery is probably dead, lemme go grab my jump cables."
Finally, the computer engineer pops up "Guys, guys, wait a second. Before you start ripping the car to pieces, let's get out, get back in and try to start it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgz7md/my_thermofluids_prof_told_us_this_one_before_a/
%
I heard you were looking for a stud?

I’ve got the STD, all I need is u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgz61e/i_heard_you_were_looking_for_a_stud/
%
I just started dating a half Asian girl

Her Mom's Korean, her Dad's Korean, and she lost her legs in a horrible car accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgz2pk/i_just_started_dating_a_half_asian_girl/
%
What is a reason illegal immigrants hate the winter?

ICE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgz11z/what_is_a_reason_illegal_immigrants_hate_the/
%
Not every person you meet is an idiot

Just the idiots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgyzpu/not_every_person_you_meet_is_an_idiot/
%
Guys I was gonna make a Braille joke but,

It’s a pretty touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgys3h/guys_i_was_gonna_make_a_braille_joke_but/
%
An old man went to his doctor complaining that he woke up every morning at 8 AM.

His doctor, puzzled, wondered out loud: “why is this a problem, this seems like a perfectly reasonable time to wake up”. The old man, a bit annoyed by The Doctor’s lack of concern  irritably retorted: “but doctor., you don’t get it, every morning I take a shit at 7:30“.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgyr4w/an_old_man_went_to_his_doctor_complaining_that_he/
%
I was talking to my brother yesterday

He is a grown man but still spends every single minute on a stupid videogame. He claims our old Nintendo Entertainment System is still the coolest thing in the world, mainly because we painted ours completely black for a better look.
Yesterday I visited my parents' house. My brother said the Nintendo still worked perfectly as if it is brand new. I had a hard time believing this, so I went upstairs to check it.
I couldn't help falling in love when I saw it standing there, all the good memories of my childhood almost made me cry. I even grabbed the thing and whispered: "Hello dark NES my old friend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgylj0/i_was_talking_to_my_brother_yesterday/
%
A grandma and her peanut jar.

Everytime I went over to my grandmothers place there was always a full jar of peanuts.
Since I love peanuts, I would always eat a lot of them whenever I was at her house.
One day I finally asked my grandmother why she always had a full jar of peanuts lying around.
Grandma: well, I don't have teeth anymore hunny, I can only suck the chocolate off of them. I am always so greatful for you when you eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgyl8s/a_grandma_and_her_peanut_jar/
%
There must be a missionary somewhere who’s also a decent plumber.

And he’s the one who blesses the drains down in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgyk7y/there_must_be_a_missionary_somewhere_whos_also_a/
%
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and told him that I want to sue the airline.

He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgyhv9/i_showed_the_damaged_remains_of_my_luggage_to_my/
%
A bartender is having a quiet night at the bar

when notices a gorilla walking in. The bartender dashes towards the manager’s office in a shocked expression.
“Sir, uh, we have a gorilla in the bar,” says the bartender.
“Well son, go ask what they want,” says the manager.
The bartender then goes out and sees the gorilla sitting on the barstool in front of the register. He walks up to the gorilla and asks “Good evening, what can I get started for you?”
“I’ll have a gin and tonic,” says the beast.
The bartender, confused by the gorilla speaking fluent English goes back to the manager’s office.
“Sir, he’s requesting for a gin and tonic, charge him $9” says the bartender.
*nine dollars?* thought the bartender. Without speaking, the bartender returns to the bar and pours the drink.
“That’ll be $9,” he said.
The gorilla pulls out a wallet and lays out a $10 bill.
The bartender goes back and gets his change.
When he returns back to the gorilla, the gorilla pulls out another ten. “Another one,” he says.
The bartender goes back grabs the change and drink then hands it to the gorilla.
After a moment of awkward silence, the bartender breaks the ice and finally says to the gorilla “you know we don’t get too many gorillas here.”
The gorilla then replies “ For $9 a drink, it’s no surprise.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgyhrd/a_bartender_is_having_a_quiet_night_at_the_bar/
%
I just found weed in my son's room.

So that's where I left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgyf39/i_just_found_weed_in_my_sons_room/
%
What's it called when you take a shit in a haunted house?

A spooky dookie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgy7fo/whats_it_called_when_you_take_a_shit_in_a_haunted/
%
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgy0z2/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
%
I miss Vine

Said Tarzan as he fell to the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgy040/i_miss_vine/
%
I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather.

... not screaming like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgxy5q/i_want_to_die_in_my_sleep_like_my_grandfather/
%
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgxu4z/my_wife_and_i_were_sitting_at_a_table_at_her_high/
%
How does an artist get around?

Well, quite easel-y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgxtu5/how_does_an_artist_get_around/
%
Have you ever forgotten the name of a song?

Easy. All you have to do is sing it around your phone and you’ll get ads reminding you about it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgxq0w/have_you_ever_forgotten_the_name_of_a_song/
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What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a feather, kinky is using the whole chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgxlwl/whats_the_difference_between_erotic_and_kinky/
%
My father sat me down for a talk, on my 18th birthday.

When you were born you took my breath away.
So ugly.
But I didnt say anything.
I waited for your mother to react first.
I then had to hold it in, because I didnt want to ruin it for her.
I figured you would grow into it..
I assumed all the proportions would even out.
As you grew, you began to blossom.
Everything about you as a child slipped away as you became a man.
And now son, I'm proud to say this.
Your mother was right!
Compared to now, you were a beautiful baby!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgxk1u/my_father_sat_me_down_for_a_talk_on_my_18th/
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A new group of auto thieves have been pickpocketing keychains clipped to tourists' bags and belts.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for these Pirates of the Carabiners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgxjy5/a_new_group_of_auto_thieves_have_been/
%
I scheduled an appointment with the lady who does my eyebrows

She said she could pencil me in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgxite/i_scheduled_an_appointment_with_the_lady_who_does/
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What do you call a slut that gets pregnant?

An easy bake oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgxhv9/what_do_you_call_a_slut_that_gets_pregnant/
%
Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's strip club. Let's go in."
"But we're privates," protests Jasper.
"We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, let's go sit down and buy some beers."
"But we're privates," says Jasper.
"Are you blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes.
"We're sergeants now."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.
"You're cute," she says.
"and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me an okay sign."
So Jasper looks it up, comes back, and gives Leroy a big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Jasper," he says.
"Why did you give me an okay sign?"
"Well, Leroy." He says.
"In the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates, but we're sergeants now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgxfq7/two_boys_from_the_mountains_leroy_and_jasper_have/
%
Harry Potter just released a new figure of its leading hero Mr. Scamander. But it isn’t very good the shirt is the wrong color, the scarf is too short, the nose is to long, and a bunch of other little things are wrong.

Did they really think I wouldn’t notice all these wrong My Newt details?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgx9e6/harry_potter_just_released_a_new_figure_of_its/
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A woman gives birth to a baby boy with no eyelids.

The parents are, as expected, devastated by Their son’s deformity.
Fortunately, at the hospital is a world-renowned optical surgeon, who gives hope to the distraught couple. He can replace the infant’s eyelids with the skin that will be cut away when the newborn is circumcised, since it is as delicate and responsive as eyelid flesh.
The operation is a success and the parents are overjoyed as they congratulate the surgeon.
The doctor, however, cautions the parents, informing them that the child will always be a little... cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgx7kg/a_woman_gives_birth_to_a_baby_boy_with_no_eyelids/
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Why Are Hurricanes Named After Women.

Because when they come they are always hot,wet and stormy. And when they go. They take your house and car with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgx487/why_are_hurricanes_named_after_women/
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Uhm, hey ... so i got this real big problem with a good friend of mine, listen.

This guy is extremly pissed about me, because i sniffed at his sister's underpanties. I don't know if it's because she was still wearing them or her parents were present.... Dude, i tell ya... strange funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgx347/uhm_hey_so_i_got_this_real_big_problem_with_a/
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Cowboys, Lesbians & Chickens

An old cowboy walks into town one evening looking for some company. He wanders into this whorehouse with rooms to rent and talks to the barmaid.
*"I sure could use the company of one of your fine women, but I'm a little light on coin. What can you do for me?"* asks the cowboy.
The barmaid says, *"Well, it looks like you don't have quite enough for one of our gals. Here's what I can do though. There's a room upstairs that has a chicken in it. Now if you like, you can go to that room and if you can catch that chicken then I suppose... you can fuck it. I'll even throw in a bottle of whiskey for your troubles."*
So the cowboy, not having much of a choice in the matter, reluctantly gets the keys to the room with the chicken, grabs his bottle of whiskey and heads up the stairs.
The cowboys walks into his room, sees this chicken clucking around and decides to take a pull of whiskey.
A half of a bottle later, the cowboy starts chasing this chicken around the room. He finally catches the chicken and starts fucking it. He's holding this chicken in one hand and fucking it while holding his bottle of whiskey in the other. Feathers are flying all over the place and the chicken is clucking and flapping around and then ***SNAP!***.
The chicken goes limp. The cowboy had fucked this chicken so hard that he snapped it's neck.
He takes another pull of the bottle, slips his clothes back on. Puts on his hat and slips out the door, hoping that no one saw his face on the way out.
About 3 months later, this cowboy returns to town looking for a lady for the night.
He walks into the whorehouse and talks to the barmaid.
This time the cowboy has a little bit more money but not quite enough for one of the fine ladies working at this particular establishment.
So the barmaid says, "I'll tell you what, there is a room up there when you can see two lesbians having sex. That's the best I can do for you tonight."
"Alright!" says the cowboy as he pays the barmaid and heads upstairs.
When he opens the door the room is packed with men looking through a two way mirror. He pushes his way to the front of the crowd and says to the man standing next to him, *"I've never seen anything like this!"*
The man says, *"You should have been here a few months ago, we watch a guy fuck a chicken to death!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgx1zq/cowboys_lesbians_chickens/
%
What's so good about sex?

I don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgx1ro/whats_so_good_about_sex/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was out-standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgx0mk/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.

He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."
The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"
The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs.
"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.
"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box."
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.
"And what about that $100.000?"" he asked.
"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I ..sold them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwztb/a_preacher_was_told_by_his_doctor_that_he_had/
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What is grey, and if you get it stuck in your eye, you’re dead

An f16 fighter jet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwwyp/what_is_grey_and_if_you_get_it_stuck_in_your_eye/
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King Arthur returns home after a long battle and begins to suspect Gwendolyn has been unfaithful.

He orders his most trusted advisor, The Count, to see him.
King:  Count, I want you to tell me if my wife has been faithful.
Count:  I'm sorry your majesty,  I'm sworn to secrecy.
King: What?!  You swore an oath to me!  Now tell me what has my wife been up to?
Count:  I'm sorry your majesty,  I'm sworn to secrecy.
King:  Guards take him away and lock him up!
The king locks the Count in a cell for three days without any food.
King: Now, Count, tell me, has my wife been faithful.
Count:  I'm sorry your majesty,  I'm sworn to secrecy.
King:  If you don't tell me I will have you killed!
Count:  I'm sorry your majesty,  I'm sworn to secrecy.
King:  Fine, get the executioner!
The axe man arrives and the Count's head is placed on the chopping block.
King:  One last chance before you die.  What happened?
But again, the count says "I'm sorry your majesty,  I'm sworn to secrecy."
King:  So be it. Kill him.
The hooded man picks up the axe and just as he starts to swing down on the most viscous blow the Count screams "Wait! Wait! Wait!"  But it was too late.  His head was sliced clean of.
The moral of the story is:  don't hatchet your Counts before they chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwwjr/king_arthur_returns_home_after_a_long_battle_and/
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You're locked in a room with no doors and no windows, just a table and a mirror. How do you escape?

You look in the mirror. See what you saw. Use the saw to cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole. Climb out the hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwux2/youre_locked_in_a_room_with_no_doors_and_no/
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwuf8/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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Why didn’t the elephant get through TSA?

Because it’s a fucking elephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwuai/why_didnt_the_elephant_get_through_tsa/
%
What do you call an army of nuns?

A force of habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwsxe/what_do_you_call_an_army_of_nuns/
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My father has had a very difficult week

Someone stole his favorite playing cards and I don't know if he'll ever be able to deal with the loss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwrjz/my_father_has_had_a_very_difficult_week/
%
If at first you don't succeed

Then skydiving definietly isn't for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwqd1/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
Creating a drug that destroys mitochondria...

is a waste of energy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwotx/creating_a_drug_that_destroys_mitochondria/
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I like my women like I like my friends

Alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwlr5/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_friends/
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What do you call an armed group of lesbians?

Militia Etheridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwihe/what_do_you_call_an_armed_group_of_lesbians/
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There once was a guy named Texas.

One day at a bar, he came across a rough looking biker.  The biker asked the guy, "What is you're name?"
The guy responded, "My name is Texas."  The biker got mad and said, "You expect me to believe that your parents named you Texas?  Tell me what your name really is or I'll punch you in the nose!"
The guy said, "My name is Texas."  This really got the biker hopping mad, so he punched the guy in the nose, knocking him off of his bar stool.  As the guy got up, the biker said, "Tell me your real name, or I'll take out my knife here and stab you!"
The guy looked at the biker and said, "I've already told you, MY NAME IS TEXAS!"
In anger, the biker pulled out his knife and stabbed the guy in the chest.
Later that night, when the biker got home, his wife asked him, "Hey Honey, where is your knife?"
The biker looked at her and said, "Deep in the Heart of Texas!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwhyi/there_once_was_a_guy_named_texas/
%
Why did the frog cross the road?

- He was stapled to the chicken.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
- He was dead.
Why did the second money fall out of the tree?
- He was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
- Peer pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwhki/why_did_the_frog_cross_the_road/
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Why haven't Aliens visited our solar system yet?

When they last checked the review had only one Star..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwgme/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system_yet/
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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies

"you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwbr1/a_father_whale_and_his_son_are_swimming_when_the/
%
I asked my karate instructor if I'd ever be able to do a dragon punch.

He said, "Suuuureyoucan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgwa0p/i_asked_my_karate_instructor_if_id_ever_be_able/
%
Somebody stole Satan's hairpiece

There will be Hell toupee!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgw9rp/somebody_stole_satans_hairpiece/
%
An upcoming director (Tim) is having dinner with two prestigious producers in a fancy restaurant,,

The director sees in the distance, Frank Sinatra walking into the men's bathroom. The director excuses himself and goes in after him. As Frank pees in one of the urinals the director approaches him and says "Mr Sinatra, I'm sorry to bother you, but there are two producers I'm trying to impress. Could you do me a favour and walk up to our table and say "Hey Tim" so they think I'm a big shot?" Frank reluctantly agrees.
Tim goes back to his table. Shortly after Frank comes out of the bathroom and approaches the table. He waves and says "Hey Tim"
Without looking up from his menu, Tim says, "Fuck off Frank".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgw98t/an_upcoming_director_tim_is_having_dinner_with/
%
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three.

And promptly received a one-world answer: "Yes."
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?"
Instantly the machine replied "Yes, sir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgw68i/while_testing_a_newly_installed_computer_an_army/
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Why is girlfriend one word and best friend two words?

Because the best friend gives you space when you need it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgw52d/why_is_girlfriend_one_word_and_best_friend_two/
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Jim and a little girl are playing. Jim pulls down his shorts and says,

"I have one of these and you dont."  The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Jim and the girl are playing together again. Once again Jim points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you dont." But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks Jim.  "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress,"that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgw50r/jim_and_a_little_girl_are_playing_jim_pulls_down/
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A girl name Darling

>!(Rewritten using the top comments on a recent top post)!<
A girl named Darling used to get bullied in school due to her uncommon name. There was daily teasing and abuse, and she had a really rough time because of it.
Happily, in the end, she married her high-school sweetheart, James.
When their first child was born, she wanted to name the baby an uncommon/unique name, just like she had. James was unsure, but went with it to make his beloved wife happy.
Unfortunately, history repeated itself, with Love being bullied at school. She came home one day, in tears of rage and asked her dad why she had such a stupid name.
James decided to take the blame and said "it was me - I'm sorry".
At that moment, through her anger, Love shot her father James with a dart gun and ran away.
Moments later, his wife comes home, sees him on the floor in pain, and runs over, shouting "what happened!?"
To which James replied, "Shot with a dart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgw3s8/a_girl_name_darling/
%
Two well dressed lawyers, Milind Kale and Ram Jethmalani went to an expensive restaurant...

They ordered 2 coffees
and then took out sandwiches from their briefcases to eat...
Waitress: Sorry Sir !!! But you can't eat your OWN food here... Its against the rules ...
The lawyers quietly looked at each other and
EXCHANGED their sandwiches & continued their meals!
( You can trust lawyers to find loopholes in any rules)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgw0mi/two_well_dressed_lawyers_milind_kale_and_ram/
%
Did you hear about the girl who sawed herself in half for the talent show?

She placed 1st and 2nd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgw0aa/did_you_hear_about_the_girl_who_sawed_herself_in/
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A Escalade with four Nazis crashed off a cliff. The news is calling it a tragedy.

Because a Escalade holds eight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvzik/a_escalade_with_four_nazis_crashed_off_a_cliff/
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A girl named Darling had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name.

Darling always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, after she had grown up and was married, she realized that the teasing actually made her stronger, and that having a unique name was actually a good thing.
So, when her first child was born, she talked her husband into naming their daughter 'Love,' knowing that while the child might be teased, she would grow up stronger and thank her one day.
As expected, when Love started school, she endured much of the same teasing that Darling did, all because of her strange name.
One day, Love simply had had enough. She came home from school very angry and screamed at her dad, asking why her parents gave her such a stupid name.
The husband, being a good man, took the blame of naming her to protect his wife and apologized.
In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Darling came home and saw her husband lying on the ground.
"Omg, what happened?!" she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot with the dart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."
Credit to u/Darth_Draper for the re-write, we're in r/jokes... There is no time line on reposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvxh7/a_girl_named_darling_had_a_particularly_rough/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling

The juggler notices that the four men have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you see me now?”
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Si.”
“Ja.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvvre/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvvhs/c_eflat_and_g_go_into_a_bar/
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Bruce Willis from the Sixth Sense, Bill Cosby's career, Half Life 3, my hopes and dreams, and Dumbledore walk into a bar

The bartender sees the front doors opening on their own and nervously asks the wind "Who's there?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvtc3/bruce_willis_from_the_sixth_sense_bill_cosbys/
%
USA: "Trump won the presidency!"

UK: "Hold my tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvrna/usa_trump_won_the_presidency/
%
What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jelly my dick up your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvok6/whats_the_difference_between_jelly_and_jam/
%
How much do s'mores weigh?

At least a couple grahams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvo9u/how_much_do_smores_weigh/
%
a poor man

A little kid asks his father: "Daddy, can you please give me some money? There is a poor man across the street..."
"It's good, that you care," says the father and gives the kid some money.
After a while, the father sees the kid with an ice cream in his hand, so he asks him: "Where did you get that ice cream?"
"Daddy, the poor man was selling it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvo5n/a_poor_man/
%
I went to the library and asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia.

The librarian said "They're right behind you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvnxy/i_went_to_the_library_and_asked_the_librarian_if/
%
My coworkers are mad that I had sex with the naked girl I found in my office.

Apparently I "should've just performed the autopsy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvnrh/my_coworkers_are_mad_that_i_had_sex_with_the/
%
There is a fifth, forgotten Horseman of the Apocalypse that nobody cares about.

His name is Ignorance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvmmg/there_is_a_fifth_forgotten_horseman_of_the/
%
I'm reading a horror story in Braille

Something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvmfc/im_reading_a_horror_story_in_braille/
%
What do non US citizens like about soccer?

The green cards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvlmh/what_do_non_us_citizens_like_about_soccer/
%
Yo mama so ugly......

Her dildo went limp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvkbp/yo_mama_so_ugly/
%
How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvk19/how_do_you_stop_a_lazy_useless_piece_of_shit/
%
I have a problem with my genitals

One of my balls hangs lower than the other two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvezf/i_have_a_problem_with_my_genitals/
%
If I spank Dwayne Johnson

does that mean I hit rock bottom?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvden/if_i_spank_dwayne_johnson/
%
A cat follows his owner to work at a police station.

He is a copy cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvcjy/a_cat_follows_his_owner_to_work_at_a_police/
%
Did you hear about the woman with amnesia who tried to masturbate?

She almost remembered how, but couldn't quite put her finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgvagg/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_with_amnesia_who/
%
How many dead children does it take to change a light bulb?

Not 7, my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgv85o/how_many_dead_children_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Cock and ball torture fetishists at the end of a long day be like

"Ahh time to hit the sack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgv5ng/cock_and_ball_torture_fetishists_at_the_end_of_a/
%
A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money, I woke up and started looking too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgv24a/a_thief_broke_into_my_house_last_night/
%
Fall on a building site (dad joke)

I fell into the foundations of a new build as it was setting, it's always nice to make a good impression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgv24e/fall_on_a_building_site_dad_joke/
%
Who led the Israelites through the semi permeable membrane?

Osmoses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgv0e8/who_led_the_israelites_through_the_semi_permeable/
%
Just heard my neighbour telling her friend that I'm a "f*cking creepy weirdo" on the phone.

It's really pissed me off..
I almost crawled out from under her bed to confront her over it but her boyfriend got home from work early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cguzeo/just_heard_my_neighbour_telling_her_friend_that/
%
My girlfriend freaked out when she found out I have only one kidney.

Who told her to go poking around in my freezer anyway?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cguven/my_girlfriend_freaked_out_when_she_found_out_i/
%
If a bunch of Jamaican chefs got together and had a cooking contest...

Would it be called a “jerk off”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgurrs/if_a_bunch_of_jamaican_chefs_got_together_and_had/
%
Did you know that on average people want 3 covers on their beds at all times?

That's just a blanket statement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cguro3/did_you_know_that_on_average_people_want_3_covers/
%
A girl named Darling had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name.

Darling always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, after she had grown up and was married, she realized that the teasing actually made her stronger, and that having a unique name was actually a good thing.
So, when her first child was born, she talked her husband into naming their daughter 'Love,' knowing that while the child might be teased, she would grow up stronger and thank her one day.
As expected, when Love started school, she endured much of the same teasing that Darling did, all because of her strange name.
One day, Love simply had had enough. She came home from school very angry and screamed at her dad, asking why her parents gave her such a stupid name.
The husband, being a good man, took the blame of naming her to protect his wife and apologized.
In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Darling came home and saw her husband lying on the ground.
"Omg, what happened?!" she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot with a dart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgur80/a_girl_named_darling_had_a_particularly_rough/
%
Did you hear Trump wants to ban pre-shredded cheese?

He wants to Make America Grate Again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgupcw/did_you_hear_trump_wants_to_ban_preshredded_cheese/
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My doctor tells me my visceral fat needs addressing...

... I'm considering Ranch or Thousand Island, do you have any other recommendations?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgulpe/my_doctor_tells_me_my_visceral_fat_needs/
%
What do you call Fidel Castro's yacht?

A dictatorship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgujw7/what_do_you_call_fidel_castros_yacht/
%
A hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time.

As they get to the deer stand the hunter tells his wife to get in the stand and sit very still and if a deer comes out, shoot it.
The hunter leaves his wife in the stand and starts walking to his stand. After walking for about five minutes he hears the loud boom of a rifle echoing through the woods from the direction of his wife’s stand. He thinks, wow! My wife must have just shot a deer! So he turns back and heads to her stand. But when he gets there, he sees his his wife arguing with a game warden.
He hears his wife yelling at the game warden, “get away from my deer!”
The game warden yells back, “look, I already told you, this is not a deer. I should have you arrested for such negligence with a firearm!”
The hunter’s wife is so pissed at this point that she loads a round into her deer rifle and points it right at the game warden’s face and says, “This is a deer. I shot it. It’s my deer. Now step away or I will blow your head off.”
The game warden slowly puts his hands up as he’s staring down the barrel of her loaded deer rifle. He then nervously says, “Okay Ma’am. I was wrong. I see now that it is a deer. But before you take it away, can I get my saddle off of it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgujwg/a_hunter_takes_his_wife_deer_hunting_for_the/
%
What would happen if you ate dinosaur poop?

It would make jur ass sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgujit/what_would_happen_if_you_ate_dinosaur_poop/
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A man is on his first day as a crewman of a pirate ship

A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes,  and  emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.
Then  out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain  you can imagine. He's got a peg leg, an eyepatch, a hook for a hand, a  parrot on his shoulder, a long beard, a gold ear ring, and a saber at  his side.
The new sailor is awestruck. He nudges a fellow sailor and and asks who he is.
"That's the captain. He's the fiercest pirate on all the seas."
\-"Wow! How did he lose the leg?"
"Crocodile in the waters of Africa. He killed it with his bare hands."
\-"WOW! How did he lose the hand?"
"Shark took it in the Caribbean. He killed it with the one good hand."
\-"WHOA! How did he lose his eye?"
"A bird shit in it."
\-"Ummm... What? He lost his eye from that?
"Yep. First day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cguieh/a_man_is_on_his_first_day_as_a_crewman_of_a/
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What's an uneducated person's least favorite fruit?

The Li-berry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgug9q/whats_an_uneducated_persons_least_favorite_fruit/
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A blind man walks into a bar...

And a chair... and a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cguf3i/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Once a half wit homeless man saw a lady buying sanitary pads.

Man: X'cuse me ma'am if you could share some of those bread with me I'll be very grateful.
Lady: Sure. I'll come back tomorrow with the jam on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgud23/once_a_half_wit_homeless_man_saw_a_lady_buying/
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I consider myself a feminist.

I believe women should cum first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgua6u/i_consider_myself_a_feminist/
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Teacher: "Hello class! What did you do on your weekend?"

Student: "My father fell into a pit"
Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?"
Student: "I think so, he stopped calling for help today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgu867/teacher_hello_class_what_did_you_do_on_your/
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Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colour?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgu3xu/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_who_couldnt/
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A man is dining alone in a fancy restaurant

There’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. "Oh my, I am so sorry," she says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can't believe his luck. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
“No” she replies “You just happened to catch my eye”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgtzxe/a_man_is_dining_alone_in_a_fancy_restaurant/
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I have developed a phobia of sausages

I fear the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgtxu5/i_have_developed_a_phobia_of_sausages/
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A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them

But when he rounded them up there were 200

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgtton/a_farmer_in_the_field_with_his_cows_counted_196/
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I totally understand how batteries feel

Because im rarely ever included in things either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgts8s/i_totally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
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How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears?

A Buccaneer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgtr1h/how_much_does_it_cost_for_a_pirate_to_pierce_his/
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What did one blood cell say to the other on his birthday?

Coagulations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgtn4q/what_did_one_blood_cell_say_to_the_other_on_his/
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What’s a pirates favorite economy car?

It be the Yaris.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgtmel/whats_a_pirates_favorite_economy_car/
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Too much water!

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-
blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is sostoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgtius/too_much_water/
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Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.
The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."
The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older brother and asked what he wanted to eat.
He replied, "I'm not sure, but I definitely don't want no fucking Frosted Flakes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgthrq/two_brothers_9_and_11_realized_one_day_that_they/
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How many gears does a French tank have?

One forward, five reverse
Heard it before? Well I bet you don’t know how many gears a Swiss tank has
Because they’re always in neutral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgt9xu/how_many_gears_does_a_french_tank_have/
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My girlfriend couldn't make it to the beach this year so she told me to say "Hi" to the ocean for her.

I told her it waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgt9av/my_girlfriend_couldnt_make_it_to_the_beach_this/
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If you call a girl fat, she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgt97k/if_you_call_a_girl_fat_shell_always_remember/
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I hate when people ask me where I see myself next year.

It’s not like I have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgt6rb/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_where_i_see_myself_next/
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What’s the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

A hockey player takes a shower after three periods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgsxl8/whats_the_difference_between_a_hockey_player_and/
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My computer's a lot like my husband

Still works but slowly dying, and getting more difficult to turn on in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgsswk/my_computers_a_lot_like_my_husband/
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My wife is a forensic crime scene investigator, but she refuses to get pregnant.

No one puts baby in a coroner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgsny6/my_wife_is_a_forensic_crime_scene_investigator/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German...

....... *are watching a street performer. While he's juggling, the street performer notices that the four have a bad view, so he stands on a crate and asks them, "Can you all see me now?"*
*The four guys respond to him, "Yes..."*
*"Oui..."*
*"Si..."*
*"Ja!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgsm6v/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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A naked lady walks into a bar

A fully naked lady walks into a bar and sits down.
She calls up the bartender and asks for a whisky. The bartender looks at her, but does nothing. She asks again but gets the same response.
She asks him "whats the matter? you never seen a naked lady before?"
and the bartender responds "i'm just wondering how you're going to pay for your drink"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgslnf/a_naked_lady_walks_into_a_bar/
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Once, A snail made its way to a car dealership

In the car dealership, the salesperson asked what kind of car he wanted. The snail didn't specify any colors, brand, or design because all he wanted was a very fast car. However, the snail did have one odd request. The snail wanted a giant letter "S" painted on each side of the car. When the salesperson asked why he wanted the "S", the snail said he wanted people to say: "Wow, look at that S car go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgsllb/once_a_snail_made_its_way_to_a_car_dealership/
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Today might be July 23rd in the UK

But its the last week of May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgshb0/today_might_be_july_23rd_in_the_uk/
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A blind date

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.  "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.  "I want to get weighed," she said.  They ambled over to the weight guesser.  He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.  Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.  When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.  "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.  Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.  The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.  "I want to get weighed," she responded.  By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgsguk/a_blind_date/
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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgsgs4/never_challenge_death_to_a_pillow_fight/
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Why did China get invaded?

They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgs94a/why_did_china_get_invaded/
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What does the mom say when she catches her son with multiple personality disorder in the middle of masturbating?

Stop playing with yourselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgs81k/what_does_the_mom_say_when_she_catches_her_son/
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ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS :)

Organs are extremely expensive in the black market. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgs6jd/always_remember_that_you_are_not_worthless/
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Johnny, a boy who was only a head, sat in the window.

As he sat on the windowsill he watched the other children play and thought "I wish I had a body so I could sit outside with the children while they play..."
For whatever reason, suddenly Johnny got his wish and had a body. His mother placed him outside with the children and he sat and watched as the other kids played.
He was happy for a time, but suddenly he wished he had arms too, that way he too could play some games with the other kids. Before he knew it, poof! Johnny now had arms and was delighted at suddenly being able to play pass the ball and games like that with the other children.
Again, he was happy for a time, but eventually found himself wishing for more. Suddenly he wished he had legs so he could run and play with the other children.
Just like that, he had legs, he was a full boy, he had all he ever wanted. Ecstatic, Johnny ran outside to meet his friends and WHAM!!! Johnny was hit by a car and killed.
The moral of the story is "quit while you're a head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgrpsy/johnny_a_boy_who_was_only_a_head_sat_in_the_window/
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What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a single feather to tease and titillate
Kinky is using the whole damn chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgrpee/whats_the_difference_between_erotic_and_kinky/
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A magician is doing well with his shows on a cruise ship until the Captain buys a parrot as the ships mascot.

From then on every night the magician does any of his tricks the parrot squawks out "He's got a card up his sleeve" or "he had the dove in his pocket" or "there were two pieces of string". Every night the parrot ruins his shows. One night the ship collides with something and all the alarms go off. Luckily the magician had finished his show before and he was on deck when the alarm went off. So he quickly gets in to a lifeboat and drops it down on the sea. Moments later the ship sank with all hands. The magician is the only survivor. The following morning the infamous parrot flies and lands on the edge of the lifeboat. The magician stares and scowls at it. For days their eyes are locked together.
.
.
.
Finally the parrot says "Alright I admit it, it's a great trick and I don't know how you did it. So how did you make the whole ship disappear?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgroz5/a_magician_is_doing_well_with_his_shows_on_a/
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I got a new tattoo because I wanted my friends to be able to count on me. It read:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgrloi/i_got_a_new_tattoo_because_i_wanted_my_friends_to/
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If you drink the blue liquid from the magic 8 ball, you can see the future, this actually works!

My friend John drank some, said he was gonna die, then did!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgrirg/if_you_drink_the_blue_liquid_from_the_magic_8/
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A Man Walks into a Bar...

The bartender greets him and says, “For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing.”
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.
The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.
“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”
The bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.”
The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!”
All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky.
The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!”
The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgrie6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Man to librarian: Do you have the book about living with a small penis?

Librarian: I'm sorry, it's not in yet.
Man: Yes. That's the one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgrfmx/man_to_librarian_do_you_have_the_book_about/
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A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to his  death.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgrecx/a_man_walks_into_a_rooftop_bar_and_takes_a_seat/
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Three months have passed

Since I have subscribed to the gym membership and I didn't lose a single pound. I might have to go there in person to see what's happening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgrboa/three_months_have_passed/
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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgr9ac/yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_spill_all_his_scrabble/
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My wife and I argue about sex and when I start saying my side, she never let's me finish.

I guess it's payback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgr7f4/my_wife_and_i_argue_about_sex_and_when_i_start/
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What is black and hairy and runs around the back yard screaming?

A baby covered in funnel web spiders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgr6tj/what_is_black_and_hairy_and_runs_around_the_back/
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Last Halloween I wore a hot dog costume, and it was VERY uncomfortable...

...to be frank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgr3xy/last_halloween_i_wore_a_hot_dog_costume_and_it/
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Who's the most dishonest animal in Pride Rock?

The lyin' king

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgr0p4/whos_the_most_dishonest_animal_in_pride_rock/
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Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"

Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgqyqk/wife_i_just_got_stung_by_a_jellyfish_quick_pee_on/
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I got fired for putting my penis in the bagel slicer

She got fired as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgqyoz/i_got_fired_for_putting_my_penis_in_the_bagel/
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Leg amputees are the most courageous people on earth.

Whatever the situation, they never get cold feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgqwvg/leg_amputees_are_the_most_courageous_people_on/
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I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged the Rhenium was seeping into the soil and contaminating our crops. Due to the high level of contamination they conducted blood tests on myself and the other farmhands to see what ill effects it had on our health. Unfortunately we all came back showing aggressive late stage Lymphoma.
The moral of the story is: too many Re posts will give you cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgqti4/i_work_on_a_lettuce_farm_in_arizona/
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I asked my wife—-Can you help me with this crossword clue? It says “Overworked Mailman”.

Wife: Sure. How many letters?
Me: Too many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgqrg3/i_asked_my_wifecan_you_help_me_with_this/
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A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.
She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.
She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized.
In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground.
"What happened?!" she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgqnnt/a_boy_named_carol_had_a_particularly_rough/
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Why do laxatives have a best before date?

If they go off, what's the worst that can happen?.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgqjwa/why_do_laxatives_have_a_best_before_date/
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I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.

She'd lost all her holiday money.
I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.
I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the car park.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgqiw0/i_came_out_of_the_supermarket_this_morning_and/
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Did you hear about the Irish Rabbi who specialised in circumcisions?

He slipped and got the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgqbnd/did_you_hear_about_the_irish_rabbi_who/
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Today, my 12 year old soon asked "could I get a book mark" and it made me burst into tears

12 years old and he still won't call me Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgqb7l/today_my_12_year_old_soon_asked_could_i_get_a/
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A guide to waking up in the morning

Step 1: Buy a rooster
Step 2: Name it Russell
Step 3: Fall asleep
Step 4: Wake up to Russell Crowe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgq9vm/a_guide_to_waking_up_in_the_morning/
%
Why everyone at the school is afraid of the octopus?

He is armed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgq1xb/why_everyone_at_the_school_is_afraid_of_the/
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A Holocaust survivor who dies and goes to heaven.

On arrival he tells God a Holocaust joke. And God says: ‘that isn’t funny’. The survivor replies: ‘Oh well, you had to be there.'
(not my joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgpykd/a_holocaust_survivor_who_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He used to lie awake at night worrying about the existence of dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgpuz2/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
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What would you call a donkeys grave?

An asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgptj9/what_would_you_call_a_donkeys_grave/
%
I went to the Air and Space Museum...

It was an empty building.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgppe2/i_went_to_the_air_and_space_museum/
%
What is a weird name

No really, it is a weird name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgpp9r/what_is_a_weird_name/
%
I made a graph of all my past relationships...

It has an "EX" axis and a "WHY" axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgpk1t/i_made_a_graph_of_all_my_past_relationships/
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What’s the best part of dating a homeless chick?

You can drop her off anywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgpe3r/whats_the_best_part_of_dating_a_homeless_chick/
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What’s worse then waking up at a party and finding a dick drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgpdlp/whats_worse_then_waking_up_at_a_party_and_finding/
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Im not sure how I feel about masturbation

I mean, on the one hand it’s pretty great

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgpcw2/im_not_sure_how_i_feel_about_masturbation/
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So I went out dressed like a chicken last night

And I met a girl who was dressed like an egg. One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered: it was the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgpbvp/so_i_went_out_dressed_like_a_chicken_last_night/
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Man visits doctor for deteriorating eyesight.

Man: My eyes are getting worse and now I can't even read books.
Doctor, pointing out the window: Can you tell me what is that?
Man: It's.. the Sun, doc.
Doctor: You can go home, your eyes are good.
Man, confused: What do you mean? You haven't conducted any test.
Doctor: Your eyesight is perfect if you can see objects 150 million kilometres away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgpbnf/man_visits_doctor_for_deteriorating_eyesight/
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What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgpaoh/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_a_rectal/
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What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgp9va/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
What’s the best part of fingering a gypsy on her rag?

You get your palm red for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgp9pz/whats_the_best_part_of_fingering_a_gypsy_on_her/
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Why did the jizz cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgp9ah/why_did_the_jizz_cross_the_road/
%
Got some great news today!

My doctor has encouraged me to masturbate more often!!!
Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgp6xy/got_some_great_news_today/
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My chronic diarrhoea is giving me insomnia

I'm getting real tired of this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgp5ro/my_chronic_diarrhoea_is_giving_me_insomnia/
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Jen and I are going to a party.

Outside of the house there's a naked guy running around with his wiener flying everywhere. We walk in and start talking to everyone.
"You would not believe what we just saw."
"Well what was it?"
"Jen'll tell ya."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgowgv/jen_and_i_are_going_to_a_party/
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What's the most important difference between men and women?

What they mean when they say "I went through an entire box of tissues during that film".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgor21/whats_the_most_important_difference_between_men/
%
Did you hear about the duck that had to go to rehab?

Apparently it had a pretty serious quack addiction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgojp5/did_you_hear_about_the_duck_that_had_to_go_to/
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How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ears pierced?

A buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgoclf/how_much_does_it_cost_for_a_pirate_to_get_their/
%
Some people are in a plane when the pilot says:

Pilot over intercom: Were all gonna die!
Passengers:\*scream and panic\*
Pilot over intercom: Someday. you never know when. Its inevitable.
Passengers:\*sigh in relief\*
Pilot over intercom: But probably when we hit this mountain over here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgo932/some_people_are_in_a_plane_when_the_pilot_says/
%
America's almost finished switching to the metric system.

But they still have miles to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgo7q8/americas_almost_finished_switching_to_the_metric/
%
Despite only being 13% of the population

Teenagers use over 50% of the nations tissues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgo4lj/despite_only_being_13_of_the_population/
%
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible,

It’s terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgnzj7/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_not_only_is/
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Playing UNO with illegal immigrants is no fun.

I asked if they have any green cards and they ran like the wind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgnwsl/playing_uno_with_illegal_immigrants_is_no_fun/
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Leper Jokes

Why did they stop the leper football game?  There was a hand off at the fifty yard-line.
Why did they stop the leper hockey game?  There was a face off in the corner.
Why did they stop the leper baseball game?  Somebody dropped a ball in left field.
(I usually just lurk, but I thought it was time I put some skin in the game.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgnvol/leper_jokes/
%
What do you call an eighteen year old asian prostitute??

Sum Yung Ho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgntlp/what_do_you_call_an_eighteen_year_old_asian/
%
What happens when your significant other discovers your pee on the toilet seat?

Urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgns6i/what_happens_when_your_significant_other/
%
I always knock before opening the fridge door.

Just in case there's a salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgnqlc/i_always_knock_before_opening_the_fridge_door/
%
Can you please stop playing Oasis screamed my wife.

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgni2r/can_you_please_stop_playing_oasis_screamed_my_wife/
%
Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.
“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on Maple Street, but Steve chose to say nothing.
The mailman finished up, left the barbershop and Steve received his haircut. He quickly went home to his wife and told her about the mailman that had slept with every woman on the street except one.
Steve’s wife exclaimed “I bet it’s that stuck up bitch Karen across the street! She’s such a prude!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgnhfa/steve_arrived_early_for_his_haircut_appointment/
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I thought my wife was joking when she said she was leaving me because of my love for the Monkees.

Then I saw her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgngay/i_thought_my_wife_was_joking_when_she_said_she/
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We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgnc2y/we_named_our_guitar_school_after_michael_jackson/
%
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It’s a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgnbzi/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo_the_only_animal_in_the/
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What do you call a missile programmed only to track and fire at Arabs?

A heat-Sheiking missile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgn84c/what_do_you_call_a_missile_programmed_only_to/
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Corporate Joke

Once a man goes to a shop to buy parrot.
He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot:
*Shop owner:* Rs. 500
*Customer:* Why so costly?
*Shop owner:* He knows, Word, Excel and Power Point.
*Customer:* What's the price of this second Parrot?
*Shop owner:*  Rs. 1000
as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming.
*Customer:* How nice and what's the price of this parrot, which is sleeping?
*Shop owner:* That's for Rs. 5000
*Customer:* And what does it know?
*Shop owner:* That I don't know, I haven't seen him do anything but..
*The other two parrots call him Boss*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgn65d/corporate_joke/
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Therapist! I'm afraid of the Backstreet Boys!

Therapist: Tell me why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgn2fc/therapist_im_afraid_of_the_backstreet_boys/
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I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked "Thanks, but why would you pick me up?  How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the same car would be astronomical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgn20o/i_picked_up_a_hitchhiker_last_night/
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Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgmwan/why_did_trump_push_for_congress_to_change_the/
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What do you call a jalapeño that disappears on you?

A ghost pepper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgmmse/what_do_you_call_a_jalapeño_that_disappears_on_you/
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Star Signs

The Doctor walks in,
Patient: Hey doc, whats the news?
Doctor: I was wondering what's your star sign?
Patient: Cancer, why?
Doctor: Funny that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgmlye/star_signs/
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What's the difference between cellular mitochondria and a home's rooftop solar array?

One is the powerhouse of the cell. The other is the power cell of the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgmki4/whats_the_difference_between_cellular/
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A blonde goes into a library...

A blonde walks into a library and marches right up to the librarian and says "I'd like a hamburger with fries please".  The puzzled librarian says "I'm sorry miss, but this is a library".   So the blonde whispers, "I'm sorry, may I have a hamburger with fries".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgmj8h/a_blonde_goes_into_a_library/
%
I miss vine

tarzan's last thought as he plummets to the jungle floor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgmc1n/i_miss_vine/
%
What's worse than 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?

1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgm90o/whats_worse_than_7_dead_babies_in_1_trash_can/
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"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said

The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"
Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgm6pm/you_just_need_to_relax_steve_its_just_a_minor/
%
Dude was in prison and his cell mate had leprosy

Every day his cell mate would have a part of the body fall from his body
One day, it was the ear. He picked it up and threw it away through the window
The other day, the little finger; away through the window
On the day after, the thumbs, also away through the window
One day, dude got pissed and called in the guards. Guard came over and asked, “what is it?”
Guy said, “look, I don’t mean to be a snitch or something but I think my cell mate is escaping little by little.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgm5vw/dude_was_in_prison_and_his_cell_mate_had_leprosy/
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What do you call a kid with no arms

Names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgm56a/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_no_arms/
%
Every time I post a joke to this sub it gets downvoted

uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝuo sᴉɥʇ ǝʇᴉɹʍ ll,I oS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgm2wi/every_time_i_post_a_joke_to_this_sub_it_gets/
%
My wife told me she would have left me if i didn’t stop watching shrek

At first i thought she was joking...
... But then i saw her face, and now i’m a believer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgm1gk/my_wife_told_me_she_would_have_left_me_if_i_didnt/
%
How to do you outrun a lion?

Simba! You Mufasa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cglr62/how_to_do_you_outrun_a_lion/
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What did the teacher do with her students' report on the history of cheese?

She grated it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cglpiq/what_did_the_teacher_do_with_her_students_report/
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What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniel's?

Jack is still killing Indians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cglmhy/whats_the_difference_between_john_wayne_and_jack/
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What do you call 64 white people in a room?

One full blooded Cherokee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgljas/what_do_you_call_64_white_people_in_a_room/
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I'm so mad right now. I was gonna buy a Doctor Strange Funko Pop...

But I accidentally bought the Wong one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cglgut/im_so_mad_right_now_i_was_gonna_buy_a_doctor/
%
Broken bridges really annoy me...

I just can't get over them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cglffo/broken_bridges_really_annoy_me/
%
"Doctor, I feel like a fifth of the man I used to be."

"Just relax a bit. You're two tenths."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgleyb/doctor_i_feel_like_a_fifth_of_the_man_i_used_to_be/
%
what do you call a mexican who lost his car?

Carlos 🇲🇽

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cglac1/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
Life is like a game of chess

I don't know how to play chess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgl7zc/life_is_like_a_game_of_chess/
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The sick mother in law

The man came home after visiting his sick mother in law.
His wife asked how her mother was doing.
The man responded, she is getting released in two days and moving in to our home!
Shocked, the wife says, how’s that possible? When I visited her yesterday, she was in the respirator?
I know, said the husband, I was baffled too, but the doctor said we had to prepare for the worst.
Edit 2: wrong words :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgkyh1/the_sick_mother_in_law/
%
The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgkwk0/the_take_a_penny_leave_a_penny_trays_in/
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Someone suggested I grow out my hair, but only in the back.

Told him I'd mullet over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgkw36/someone_suggested_i_grow_out_my_hair_but_only_in/
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Why is it impossible to throw a beer at Trump?

Because he's a draft dodger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgku7l/why_is_it_impossible_to_throw_a_beer_at_trump/
%
A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.
When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.
The man waited a few days and went back to the post office since he didn't receive a letter back. He saw Kurt and asked him if he delivered the letter. Kurt said he tried to, but no one answered or took the letter, so he brought it back the next day.
The man was upset that his daughter ignored him. He left a copy of the same letter every single day at the post office, in the hopes that she would answer one of them someday.
Kurt noticed the man sending letter after letter, day by day, for months. His curiosity got the better of him after some time, and he decided to read one of the letters before delivering it. He was astounded at how useful the man's advice was and decided this was worth sharing with everyone, so he called up a local newspaper company.
The newspaper company sent a reporter to come speak with Kurt, who told them, "A man sent the same letter every day for months to his daughter, who never answered the letters. Read the letter! It has some very good information that could help the whole world out."
The reporter, instead of being interested in what the letter said, was interested in the man's dedication of sending the same letter every day to someone who never responded. The reporter wrote an article and sent it to Kurt to look at before publishing.
When Kurt looked at it, he said, "It's outrageous! The reposting gets more attention than the original content!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgklll/a_man_had_an_adult_daughter_who_he_loved_dearly/
%
I had an appointment with a fortune teller today.

She cancelled it, due to unforseen circumstances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgkllg/i_had_an_appointment_with_a_fortune_teller_today/
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What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a tapeworm?

About ten feet of barbed wire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgkjq3/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_porcupine_with_a/
%
Due to political correctness...

Dick Van Dyke had to change his name to Penis Truck Lesbian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgkine/due_to_political_correctness/
%
What do Libertarians call Tic Tacs?

Tics, because they’re against tacses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgki6l/what_do_libertarians_call_tic_tacs/
%
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgkdm9/why_does_donald_trump_take_xanax/
%
I thought the bar I entered might be a bit rough when the doorman asked if I had any weapons on me...

I said I didn't, so he gave me a few to choose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgk35v/i_thought_the_bar_i_entered_might_be_a_bit_rough/
%
My brother swears that he has to stay horizontal due to an ear infection and that it's therefore not unreasonable to expect me to cook all his meals.

I'm not sure whether I believe him though as he lies a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgjzi1/my_brother_swears_that_he_has_to_stay_horizontal/
%
Bigfoot’s Wife called me to write his obituary

I said “more like ‘Oh bitch you hairy!’”
Needless to say I was uninvited to the funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgjykr/bigfoots_wife_called_me_to_write_his_obituary/
%
There’s gonna be a 50p coin commemorating Brexit

It’s nearly done. They just can’t decide what to do with the border

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgjwzp/theres_gonna_be_a_50p_coin_commemorating_brexit/
%
A confectioner was bad at breaking bad news

People told him to stop sugar-coating everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgjw38/a_confectioner_was_bad_at_breaking_bad_news/
%
I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgjtm9/im_never_smoking_weed_with_immigrants_again/
%
What do you call a bug that pays the bills?

A Paying Mantis
*My 10 year old daughter ran down the hallway to tell me this. She said she made it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgjscl/what_do_you_call_a_bug_that_pays_the_bills/
%
The first clock was just invented.

It’s about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgjnyj/the_first_clock_was_just_invented/
%
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgjkjb/what_did_the_boy_with_no_hands_get_for_his/
%
Eye surgery

A man walks in to a hospital, realising hes got something wrong with his eyes. The doctor says "this operation may cost 10,000 dollars". The man decides it's not worth the money.
Later, he's looking in the newspaper and sees an ad for a"cheap doctor". We walks into the doctors office and asks for the procedure.
Afterwards, his eye were as good as new and asked the nurse if he could see the doctor.
The nurse said "you can't see him now he's in his office".
At that point, what looks like a monkey comes out of an office.
"Why is a monkey in a doctor's office" asks the man.
"Well he's the doctor" the nurse replied.
"If I had known it was a monkey I wouldn't have come" said the man.
The nurse then said "but you did know, the newspaper advert clearly said 'chimp doctor'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgjfrr/eye_surgery/
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To the person who stole my training shoes and hi-viz jacket.

You can run but you can't hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgjfa2/to_the_person_who_stole_my_training_shoes_and/
%
What do you call a helpful hoe?

Thotful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgjdt5/what_do_you_call_a_helpful_hoe/
%
One day, DJ Khalid’s son found a magical lamp...

One day, DJ Khaled’s son stumbled upon a magical lamp. After rubbing it, a mystical genie poured out of the stem and asked for boy what he wanted for his wishes. Knowing his father’s great love of music, the boy wished to become a keyboard, something Khaled enjoyed using for his music. “Granted”, said the genie with a snap of his fingers, and in a puff of purple smoke the boy had been turned into a grand piano with an engraving of his name on the side. He couldn’t talk nor ask for another wish, so the boy was stuck this way. DJ Khaled returned to his son’s room to find that he had been turned into an instrument, and vowed to help him however he could. Days of physical therapy turned to weeks, and weeks to months as the boy tried to move anything at all.  Until late one evening in the middle of a session, a bright C Chord rang out through the air.  “Congratulations,” DJ Khaled said with a tear in his eye. “You played yourself”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgjarz/one_day_dj_khalids_son_found_a_magical_lamp/
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What do you call an erection that plays brass?

A tromboner!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgj8ic/what_do_you_call_an_erection_that_plays_brass/
%
I work at a cell phone repair place at the mall.

It's literally called 'Cell Phone Repair.'
Don't let the name fool you though, we fix just about anything. Tablets, computers, TVs, whatever. I use all sorts of tools, but super glue is one of my favorites. You can't even begin to imagine how many problems it solves.
Anyways, I used to joke that I'd fix a failing marriage if you put the standard $45 fee down first. And earlier today, a couple finally took me up on that offer.
When I got done with them, they wouldn't let go of each other.
Another job well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgj6cr/i_work_at_a_cell_phone_repair_place_at_the_mall/
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What’s gonna happen if you sing blues backward

It stops raining, your wife returns, your dog resurrects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgj20e/whats_gonna_happen_if_you_sing_blues_backward/
%
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgj16b/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_cows_masturbating/
%
What do you call the Vatican's answer to Tinder?

Kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgj0el/what_do_you_call_the_vaticans_answer_to_tinder/
%
A blind man walks in a bar

He asks the bar tender if he wants to here a blonde joke then a man stops him and says "Hey before you tell that joke keep in mind that I am blonde, this marine here blonde, this black belt blonde, this boxer blonde, and finally the bartender himself is blonde. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man says " No I don't want to explain it 5 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgiynw/a_blind_man_walks_in_a_bar/
%
My son is in the church choir

I didn’t think he had it in hymn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgixkv/my_son_is_in_the_church_choir/
%
A man was getting surgery to treat his bad vision

Man: are you sure this is going to work?
Doctor: you'll see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgiwc6/a_man_was_getting_surgery_to_treat_his_bad_vision/
%
My date wanted to have sex in the back of my car.

I drove her around for hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgis3z/my_date_wanted_to_have_sex_in_the_back_of_my_car/
%
A bear and a bunny are taking a shit in the woods

The bear asks the bunny, "do you have problems getting shit stuck in your fur?"
The bunny replies, "no."
So the bear wipes his ass with the bunny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgilzr/a_bear_and_a_bunny_are_taking_a_shit_in_the_woods/
%
I just joined a new wine appreciation society.

We meet in the park at 9am most days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgils8/i_just_joined_a_new_wine_appreciation_society/
%
There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgiimd/theres_a_type_of_mustard_gas_that_stays_near_the/
%
I went to a psychic today...

I sat there, she gazed into her crystal ball and said "next week you will win the lottery! The week after you will meet a model who loves you for your personality not just your money, she will have gravity defying boobs and an ass that could make a grown man cry. You will have kids that will go on to do great things, you will lead a long and healthy life!"
I stood up and punched her in the face.
"Why did you just do that?" She asked in shock.
I replied "I always like to strike a happy medium"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgiilq/i_went_to_a_psychic_today/
%
Why do ghosts make terrible con artists?

Because you can see right through them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgieaw/why_do_ghosts_make_terrible_con_artists/
%
So, back when my wife and I just started dating, I ran into her asshole ex in the bar.

He said "Hey there **Gil**, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?"
I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgict0/so_back_when_my_wife_and_i_just_started_dating_i/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgiap5/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
A pastor wants his house painted...

and one of his parishioners offers to do it, but he needs money to pick up the supplies. The pastor gives him some money, but when the time comes to paint the house, the parishioner finds he only has half the paint he needs. He figures, "I'll just water it down. It'll be fine." He does that, paints the house, and thinks nothing more of it.
A couple of weeks later, a huge storm moves through the area, and all  the paint washes off the pastor's house. The pastor asks the parishioner what happened, and the parishioner explains what he did. To which the pastor replies, "Repaint! Repaint, you thinner, and thin no more!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgi9qt/a_pastor_wants_his_house_painted/
%
Did you hear about the Star Trek poetry night?

It has it's Prose and Khan's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgi52s/did_you_hear_about_the_star_trek_poetry_night/
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An atheist and vegan and pro-life walk to a bar

I know cause they told everyone In 5 sec

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgi3u4/an_atheist_and_vegan_and_prolife_walk_to_a_bar/
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What is Owen Wilson's most favorite game?

World of Warcraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cghtbn/what_is_owen_wilsons_most_favorite_game/
%
Today I read about the dangers of smoking, drinking, and taking other drugs.

I have now decided to stop reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cghmvz/today_i_read_about_the_dangers_of_smoking/
%
I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cghmon/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_shes_been/
%
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she came out of jail.

However, you shouldn't end a sentence with a proposition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cghkiy/i_wanted_to_marry_my_english_teacher_when_she/
%
Why do you never ask gay people questions?

Because you'll never get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cghjg9/why_do_you_never_ask_gay_people_questions/
%
I got pulled over by a cop with alzheimer’s.

He said, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgh8rb/i_got_pulled_over_by_a_cop_with_alzheimers/
%
Wife's joke.

Me: (holding up an old note) "Ya know, I've kept everything you have ever given me, why don't you still have my old gifts?"
Wife: "Well, I'm fat. So technically I've kept every meal you've ever bought me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgh69z/wifes_joke/
%
I just got the news that my dad’s cancer is in remission

But I’m still hopeful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cggus1/i_just_got_the_news_that_my_dads_cancer_is_in/
%
Mom Burn

Taken off of Twitter:
*My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.*
*Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.*
*Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.*
*I’m going to need an ambulance.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cggnid/mom_burn/
%
People get made fun of for being virgins, but what are people who have LOST their virginity?

Losers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgg8uj/people_get_made_fun_of_for_being_virgins_but_what/
%
Is it me or this FaceApp thing ...

got old real quick?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgg6r0/is_it_me_or_this_faceapp_thing/
%
I took a personality test

Results came back negative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgfuk6/i_took_a_personality_test/
%
A man on his deathbed is telling his friend his final wishes

Man: I have two final wishes
Friend: what are they?
Man: firstly I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land
Friend: and?
Man: secondly, I don't want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgfs0a/a_man_on_his_deathbed_is_telling_his_friend_his/
%
Two elderly women are walking down the street smoking cigarettes and it begins to rain

One of the elderly ladies puts her cigarette out and the other woman goes into her purse and pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She unwraps the condom and cuts it in half with the scissors. She takes the closed end of it, places it over her cigarette to stay dry and continues smoking.
The woman is curious and says to her friend, "What are you doing?" Her friend says back to her, "What's it look like? I'm smoking."
The woman is impressed with this and decides to try the same thing, so she goes to her local drug store the next day.
At the drug store she goes up to the attendant and says that she would like two-dozen condoms. The attendant asks her, "Is there a brand you prefer?"
The woman says, "Eh, I don't care about a brand as long as it fits on a Camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgfosc/two_elderly_women_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
I hate drilling holes...

It's boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgfmnu/i_hate_drilling_holes/
%
What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef Stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgfj50/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
%
I brought a dog from a blacksmith today...

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgfe49/i_brought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith_today/
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What do white knights put on their bread?

M'lasses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgf7d8/what_do_white_knights_put_on_their_bread/
%
A man comes home from the grocery store with a 12 pack of Coca Cola and throws a can at his friend.

Friend: What the hell?! What was that for?!
Man: Relax, it was only a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgf44n/a_man_comes_home_from_the_grocery_store_with_a_12/
%
Bruce Willis passes away from a Viagra overdose on 4/20/2069

He picked a good day to die hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgf3ht/bruce_willis_passes_away_from_a_viagra_overdose/
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I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a general in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgf0la/i_havent_had_sex_since_1956/
%
Why was the guitar teacher fired?

For fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgewcb/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_fired/
%
One time I received a ticket telling me that I parked really well

It said "parking fine" so that was nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgeu2u/one_time_i_received_a_ticket_telling_me_that_i/
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A man walks into a drugstore asking for viagra...

A man walks into a drugstore asking for viagra,
The pharmacist says he has two kinds, one that costs $20 and one that costs $30
The man asks for the one that costs $30, opens the bottle and pops a pill. He pulls out a credit card to pay and the pharmacist says
“Sorry, we don’t accept credit cards”
The man tells the pharmacist he’s gonna go to the juice shop next door and get him money.
He enters the Juice shop, orders an orange juice, an Oreo smoothie and a water
He quickly drinks them all and and pulls out a credit card to pay. The cashier says
“Sorry, we don’t accept credit cards”
The man apologizes and tells the cashier he’s gonna go to the burger place next door and get him money.
He walks into the burger place orders two burgers and an order of fries.
He devours them and pulls out a credit card to pay. The waiter says
“Sorry, we don’t accept credit cards”
The man tells the waiter he’s gonna go to the supermarket next door and get him money.
He walks into the supermarket and asks for a pack of Marlboro Reds, he opens the pack, lights a cigarette and pulls out his credit card to pay. The employee says
“Sorry, we don’t accept credit cards”
The man tells the employee he’s gonna go to the ATM and come back.
The man leaves and never returns.
The following day, a man enters the drugstore and asks for viagra
The pharmacist tells him he has two kinds. One that costs $20 and the other that costs $30
The man asks if the one that costs $30 is any good.
The pharmacists replies
“It’s amazing, a man took it yesterday and he fucked the whole street up”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgeu1x/a_man_walks_into_a_drugstore_asking_for_viagra/
%
There's some guy handing out awards to couples that cheat.

He's medaling in other people’s affairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgeto3/theres_some_guy_handing_out_awards_to_couples/
%
If a woman sleeping with 10 guys in a week makes her a slut, what would it make a guy who does it?

Gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cger4t/if_a_woman_sleeping_with_10_guys_in_a_week_makes/
%
A virgin walks into a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.
The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks this must be normal so he continues.
Then he comes across a baby pea, again he is somewhat taken aback but he chalks this up to a lack of experience.
Finally he comes across a piece of corn, so he speaks up.
"Miss, are you sick?"
"No, but the last guy was."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgeq7w/a_virgin_walks_into_a_brothel/
%
My friend used to help blind kids.

Verb not adjective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgeomm/my_friend_used_to_help_blind_kids/
%
What do you call a book that was thrown on the floor?

Litter-ature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgeojb/what_do_you_call_a_book_that_was_thrown_on_the/
%
What's the most sensitive part of a man's body when he's masturbating?

His ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgemg1/whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_a_mans_body_when/
%
What's a feminist's favourite fruit

Mangoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgekkj/whats_a_feminists_favourite_fruit/
%
There's this girl named Patty-Whack who works in a bank.

One day, a little green frog comes in, reminiscent of Kermit the frog. He's carrying a tiny pink elephant in hands, and walks up to Patty-Whack.
"Excuse me miss, I would like to apply for a loan. I won't be able to pay it back, but I can offer you this elephant statue in exchange. It's worth a lot of money, and I can vouch for its worth because my father is Mick Jagger."
Patty-Whack, confused, hesitantly goes to her boss to ask her what to do. Her boss ponders for a moment, then replies:
"It's a nick-nack, Patty-Whack! Give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgeibm/theres_this_girl_named_pattywhack_who_works_in_a/
%
What did papa banana and mama banana do?

They split.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgei3p/what_did_papa_banana_and_mama_banana_do/
%
What did woody say when he got std’s?

“Someone poisoned the water hole’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgeguy/what_did_woody_say_when_he_got_stds/
%
I like it when people draw Manx cats accurately.

It shows attention to de-tail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgeggv/i_like_it_when_people_draw_manx_cats_accurately/
%
Why did the almost blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgegfh/why_did_the_almost_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
%
A man walks into a bank

He walked to a window and saw a pretty woman on the other side and decided to tease her.
Woman: how can I help you today?
Man: I would like to open an account.
Woman: of course, it shouldn't take long at all. Would it be checking or savings?
Man: Checking.
Woman: Too easy, now we just need a password, what would it be?
Man smirked and said: PENIS.
Woman, without any hesitation: Alrighty. Oohps, I'm sorry, your request has been denied.
Man: why is that?
Woman: it's just not long enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgebru/a_man_walks_into_a_bank/
%
Why are jokes about Cannibals not for everyone?

*Because it’s an acquired taste.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgean2/why_are_jokes_about_cannibals_not_for_everyone/
%
What happens when you leave your ADHD medication in your Ford Fiesta?

It turns into a Ford Focus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cge066/what_happens_when_you_leave_your_adhd_medication/
%
Dad Joke

Operator: 911 What's your emergency?
Responder: My wife's going into labor, I don't know what to do.
Operator: Is this her first born?
Responder: No this is her husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgdzbv/dad_joke/
%
What is Gordan Ramsays favorite Disney movie?

It's FUCKING FROZEN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgdx6x/what_is_gordan_ramsays_favorite_disney_movie/
%
Son in Iraq i killed 20 people.

Son:  Dad you were a helicopter mechanic.
Dad: Never said I was a good one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgdx66/son_in_iraq_i_killed_20_people/
%
Forgot my pot in my pants and put it through the dryer

Now I have some tumbleweed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgduhc/forgot_my_pot_in_my_pants_and_put_it_through_the/
%
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgdtqt/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
A chemist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window.

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.
The scientists are very confused about what has happened.
'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist, 'which makes the result of the investigation inconclusive.'
'Nonsense!' says the biologist. 'The population decreased due to external pressures. Natural selection acted and the weaker individuals were removed from the gene pool.'
The mathematician starts to laugh. 'You fools! You've got it all wrong!', he says. 'There must have been negative one people in the house to start with!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgdqaa/a_chemist_a_biologist_and_a_mathematician_are/
%
I told the bartender he could borrow my blowup doll any time he wanted. "Eugh! That's disgusting!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah..." I said. "But you were pretty quick to jump on my ex-girlfriend weren't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgdp43/i_told_the_bartender_he_could_borrow_my_blowup/
%
What award do you give a bad dentist?

A plaque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgdm6p/what_award_do_you_give_a_bad_dentist/
%
Caesar on Cleopatra:

I, Caesar, when I learned of the fame
Of Cleopatra, I straightway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions,
I invaded her regions,
I saw, I conquered, I came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgdl32/caesar_on_cleopatra/
%
Solving a crime in Alabama must be so hard

Everyone has the same damn DNA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgdk6r/solving_a_crime_in_alabama_must_be_so_hard/
%
Why are all boats issued with rubber toilet seats?

Because loo slips sink ships.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgdj71/why_are_all_boats_issued_with_rubber_toilet_seats/
%
Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back.
Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.
‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.
‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t going to help’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgdfps/guys_first_blow_job/
%
A driver flagged me down the other day and said, "I've broken down and could do with a lift"

I told them that their hair looked nice and drove off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgddyg/a_driver_flagged_me_down_the_other_day_and_said/
%
I had to break up with my opera singer girlfriend...

It was always about MI MI MI MI MI!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgd95x/i_had_to_break_up_with_my_opera_singer_girlfriend/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.
The second orders half a beer.
"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.
"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.
The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon!" says mathematician #1, "Do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along."
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem," mathematician #3 chimes in, "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work," interjects the bartender.
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" the bartender replies, "You learn limits in, like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
Mathematician #1 screeches, "HE'S ON TO US!"
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS!" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA!!!"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait," he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, progressives will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment.
"My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they suddenly vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really," the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgd89e/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgd7ip/what_did_the_football_coach_say_to_the_broken/
%
A hole has been discovered in the swimming pool changing rooms.

The police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgd532/a_hole_has_been_discovered_in_the_swimming_pool/
%
Wedding night

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.  He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.  When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.  He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."  She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgd2qc/wedding_night/
%
I take a crap every morning at exactly 6 o'clock.

The problem is I dont get out of bed until 6:30.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgcwk9/i_take_a_crap_every_morning_at_exactly_6_oclock/
%
I just met my high school English teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was and it made me sad because..

.. I was her favorite student and was homeschooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgcwiy/i_just_met_my_high_school_english_teacher_the/
%
Did you hear about the Olympic fencer who was famous for his devastating counter-attack?

He knew ripostes were the best way to get Gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgcv4q/did_you_hear_about_the_olympic_fencer_who_was/
%
A pastor is traveling home when he spots a man selling food.

"Dam fish! Get your dam fish here!" Yells the man. The man explains to the pastor that he caught these fish at the local dam, which is why they're named dam fish. The pastor buys one and takes it home to his wife.
When he gets home, he tells his wife to make dinner. "Cook the dam fish!" His wife was taken aback, "Honey! You must not speak like that in this house!" The pastor then explains to her what the man had told him. After dinner is ready, the pastor and his son sit down to eat as his wife leaves into another room.
"Son, pass the damn fish" he says. The son, a bit shocked, says "Dad! You heard mom! You shouldn't talk like that!" The pastor faces his son, "You heard me the first time, now pass the fucking fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgcsxa/a_pastor_is_traveling_home_when_he_spots_a_man/
%
I had a fear of speed bumps

I slowly got over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgcpcm/i_had_a_fear_of_speed_bumps/
%
An Irishman walks into a bank

Says to the cashier  - "Give me all your money, this is a fuckup!"
"don't you mean a stickup?"
"no, a fuckup - ive forgotten my gun"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgck4s/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bank/
%
I lost 100 pounds in a week.

I should really start spending more carefully.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgcgln/i_lost_100_pounds_in_a_week/
%
Life

That's all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgcgka/life/
%
What does an alcoholic cry?

Beerdrops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgc7ya/what_does_an_alcoholic_cry/
%
An intestine claimed to have a higher IQ than the brain.

But the intestine was full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgc3dc/an_intestine_claimed_to_have_a_higher_iq_than_the/
%
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
&nbsp;
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
&nbsp;
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
&nbsp;
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
&nbsp;
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgc32q/a_woman_takes_a_lover_home_during_the_day_while/
%
What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgc1ga/what_did_the_sea_snail_say_to_the_other_sea_snail/
%
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens.

They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgbzpq/last_night_i_was_kidnapped_by_aliens/
%
Thank you to my first grade teacher for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgbzc1/thank_you_to_my_first_grade_teacher_for/
%
Q: Where do boats go to when they get sick?

*A: The dock!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgbtkb/q_where_do_boats_go_to_when_they_get_sick/
%
A monkey is sitting on a riverbank, smoking weed.

A frog, swimming by, gets a whiff and makes a beeline to the shore:
'Hey dude! Mind if I take a puff?'
'Get out of town,' says the monkey. 'You're so small you'll be off your face after the first hit.'
'Oh come on, just a little bit! I've always wanted to try it.'
'Well, you asked for it. Just remember: don't breathe out right away. Take a dive and sit there as long as you can.'
So the frog takes a hit, holds its breath and dives underwater. After a while a crocodile swims by, notices a clearly high frog and asks:
'Hey, where did you get the stuff?'
'Ask the monkey.'
The crocodile comes up from the water, and the monkey stares at it wide-eyed:
'Frog, breathe the fuck out!!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgbpwf/a_monkey_is_sitting_on_a_riverbank_smoking_weed/
%
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table.
He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey and walks off with the bible under his arm.
“Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgbo1a/a_man_and_his_wife_are_discussing_what_they_think/
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Still can't decide if I need a mirror or not

I need to reflect on this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgbk4h/still_cant_decide_if_i_need_a_mirror_or_not/
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What's something you'll hear from a Redditor that you'd never hear from a suicide bomber?

Damn, I never expected this to blow up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgbhdf/whats_something_youll_hear_from_a_redditor_that/
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Wiki joke

Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia”
Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgbhau/wiki_joke/
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What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?

Do you want some tea, Rex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgbh1j/what_did_the_dinosaur_ask_his_pet_dog_when_he/
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My girlfriend used to smoke after sex.

So now we use lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgb243/my_girlfriend_used_to_smoke_after_sex/
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My town has a homosexual mayor

Every time we go down to city hall we can’t get a straight answer out of him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgb0t2/my_town_has_a_homosexual_mayor/
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6.30 is the best time of day

Hands down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgavah/630_is_the_best_time_of_day/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgasrl/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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I recently bought my friend an elephant for his room

He tried to thank me, I said don't mention it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgar76/i_recently_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his/
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3 blondes want to join the police force...

They all go to the police station for an interview to become policewomen. The policeman conducting the interview tells them for this part of the interview I’ll hold up a mug shot of a man for 5 seconds and then ask you to tell me a distinctive feature you remember. He shows the first blonde the mug shot, holds it up for 5 seconds and puts it back down. He asks her what she noticed, she replied “oh that was easy, the man only has one ear!” The policeman shakes his head and says “are you serious, this is a side profile shot? You can leave!” The second blonde has her turn now and the policeman holds up the mugshot again for 5 seconds, puts it down and asks her what she remembered. The blonde confidently says “wow this is easy, he only has one eye”. In disbelief the policeman tells her she hasn’t got the job and to leave. Before the third blonde has her go he tells her “this is a side profile mug shot to be clear”. Then he holds up the same picture again and after 5 seconds he asks her the same question. “He’s wearing contact lenses” the blonde replies. The policemen is rather impressed by her answer. He checks the marking key and at the bottom of the list, sure enough it has contact lenses on there. He’s quite surprised so he asks her how she could see that. The blonde replies “well if he only has one eye and one ear he can’t wear glasses”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgaqeg/3_blondes_want_to_join_the_police_force/
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Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing...

He stops for a chat, and mentions that he's never fished before. 'It's a doddle,' says the angler. 'Take a rod and give it a go.'
'Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand,' says the priest.
Father Conor sits down and casts his line. After a few minutes he gets a bite and reels in a fat ten-pounder. He's pleased as punch as his parishioner slaps him on the back and says, 'That's a great big fucker, Father!'
'Language!' replies Father Conor. 'I am a priest.'
'No, Father, this fish is called a fucker,' explains the angler, thinking on his feet.
Laughing at the misunderstanding, the proud priest takes his catch home and finds the bishop waiting in his front room.
'That's a splendid looking fish, Father,' exclaims the bishop.
'Aye,' replies the priest, 'it's a great fucker.'
'Please, Father! Such language,' says the bishop.
'No, no, Your Grace,' replies the priest, 'fucker is the name of the fish.'
It being Friday, the reassured bishop suggests they repair to his residence for a fine fish supper. Once there the bishop goes to the kitchen to clean and gut the fish. They are then joined by the mother superior of the local convent. Being no great cook himself, the bishop says, 'Reverend Mother, would you mind poaching this fucker for us?'
'Bishop, you cannot say that in the house of God,' gasps the horrified nun.
'You misunderstand, Reverend Mother,' explains the bishop, 'this fish is called a fucker.'
Calm again, the Mother Superior sets to cooking the fish. Shortly they are joined by the Pope, who is making a surprise visit (as he does). Delighted, the bishop invited him to supper.
They sit down at the table and the Pope says grace. Then the mother superior brings in the fish on the finest silver platter. Eagerly the three of them await the opinion of God's Mouthpiece on Earth.
'That is a fine fish,' remarks the impressed pontiff.
'That it is, Your Holiness. I caught the fucker,' says the beaming priest.
'I cleaned the fucker,' adds the bishop.
'And I cooked the fucker,' chips in the mother superior.
The Pope sirs back and stares at them for a moment. Then he plants his feet on the table, lets out a mighty fart and says, 'Know what? You cunts are all right.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgaoc2/father_conor_is_walking_by_the_shannon_when_he/
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My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing.

Apparently, "Heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cganpa/my_girl_caught_me_blowing_my_dick_with_the_air/
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Did you hear about that guy who hated coal?

Never mined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgangx/did_you_hear_about_that_guy_who_hated_coal/
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What's the difference between Prince's guitar and Donald Trump?

One's a sexy Fender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cganeb/whats_the_difference_between_princes_guitar_and/
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What kind of lights did the Incas use to get down from Machu Picchu at night?

Incandescent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgamm8/what_kind_of_lights_did_the_incas_use_to_get_down/
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Two men camping...

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.
One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, So, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?" "Nah," says the second friend eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgakrr/two_men_camping/
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Adultery and grains of rice

In a European country, in the 1930's, a man and a woman just got married. As they want to avoid any argument, they decide to ignore any cheating. But, as a confession, each time they have an affair, they have to put a grain of rice into a box. The two boxes would be opened in their old days.
They finally decide to open the boxes in the 2000's.
When they open the husband's box, they only find two grains of rice.
The wife says: "Well, you've been more loyal than I thought you were".
However, the wife's box is completely empty.
The husband is really happy to see that.
\-You never cheated on me? Wow!
\-Not exactly...
\-Where are your grains of rice then?
\-How do you think I was able to put food on the table during the War?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgaghc/adultery_and_grains_of_rice/
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Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"
The third one was hit by the train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgafua/three_blondes_were_taking_a_walk_in_the_country/
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A lady went to fake her death to fool her boyfriend, she bought some jam and prepared...

The boyfriend came home and immediately knew she was faking it.
The lady frowned and asked "How did you know?"
The man chuckled lightly and said "you used blueberry"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgaf7p/a_lady_went_to_fake_her_death_to_fool_her/
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how do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?

>!you cut off the ends, now you have endless bread.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cgaan1/how_do_you_feed_1000_people_with_one_loaf_of_bread/
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Three Tourists get stranded on an Island

Not long after, they are captured by a local tribe, and brought before the Chief.
"We do not take kindly to trespassers. You must pass a test, and if you fail, we'll throw you back into the Ocean! Go into the jungle, and bring me back a fruit!"
The three head out. The German assumes that the first person to return wins, and grabs a tiny fruit off the nearest tree he can find.
When he gets back, the Chief tells him to strip. "We'll stick it up your butt, and if you make ANY noise, you fail!"
The German manages this fairly easily, breathing a sigh of relief at his luck. Not long after, the French Tourist returns, sporting a Banana. The process is repeated, and with clenched teeth, he manages to stay silent almost the entire way. But at the very end, he suddenly bursts out laughing.
"You almost had it! What happened?" asks the German.
"Could not help myself." says the Frenchman. "I saw the American come back with a Pineapple."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cga5if/three_tourists_get_stranded_on_an_island/
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A hippie walks into a bar

The hippie sits down at the bar and asks for a beer on a tab, but doesn't have any money so the bartender says no. The guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and getting along great. After awhile the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job".
Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.
A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.
"Something about a job. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cga10j/a_hippie_walks_into_a_bar/
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two old men are arguing about history and the spendors of athens and rome.

the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"
The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"
The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"
The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"
The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"
The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!"
The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED sex!"
The Italian man says "That may be true, but we introduced it to women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg9z6q/two_old_men_are_arguing_about_history_and_the/
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Everyone keeps saying: "You are what you eat."

I stopped eating vegtables ever since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg9yu5/everyone_keeps_saying_you_are_what_you_eat/
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My gf asked me to treat like a princess

In turn, I married her to a foreign man to strengthen the alliance with France

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg9yh6/my_gf_asked_me_to_treat_like_a_princess/
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A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg9xqv/a_lorry_full_of_tortoises_crashed_into_a/
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The linguistics Professor

An linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg9xgk/the_linguistics_professor/
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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers.
Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons."
JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger,
"Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?"
"Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob.
"Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep"
JimBob considers for a moment, then says
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass - The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea."
"Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg9ve7/a_redneck_and_an_annoying_stranger_are_sitting/
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I hooked up with a martial artist last week.

She floated like a butterfly, and now it stings when I pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg9tbm/i_hooked_up_with_a_martial_artist_last_week/
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A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to buy. [Long]

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to she wants to buy. She goes to the only cashier (who is also the manager of the place) and tells him:
"How much is this hair dryer?"
The cashier replies: "This is not for sale".
The blonde returns the item and leaves. Next day she comes back, picks up the same item (which she really wants) and goes to the same only cashier.
Blonde girl: "How much is this hair dryer?"
The cashier replies : "You are the same girl as yesterday, this is not for sale"
Blonde girl leaves huffing and puffing. She insists that she gets that item, so she buys a wig, dyes her hair red, puts on makeup, and comes to the same shop in a week. The girl finds the item, and while in complete disguise, approaches the cashier and asks:
"How much is this hair dryer?"
The Cashier replies: "You are the same girl from last week, this is not for sale".
The blonde girl finally explodes in anger and shouts at the cashier: " How did you know it was me?"
The cashier replies : "Well, that is easy. This is not a hair dryer, It is a power drill! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg9prr/a_blonde_walks_into_a_small_store_and_picks_an/
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I went on the sex offender registry and found the addresses of all the sex offenders in my area, and sent them all hate mail.

Just to make sure they read it, I wrote the letters in crayon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg9n65/i_went_on_the_sex_offender_registry_and_found_the/
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How Many Mice Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?

Two. The real question is how do you get them inside the lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg9l54/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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The Local Butcher Shop Burnt Down!

You never sausage a tragic event..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg9fir/the_local_butcher_shop_burnt_down/
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Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property.

The police forced the fryers to close down their stall located just outside the mansion, where they had been selling flowers.
Said one fryer, "well if it was anyone else we may have gotten away with it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist fryers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg9e3l/famous_playboy_hugh_hefner_managed_to/
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A man and a woman always made love with the lights off for over thirty years

Since the beginning, the man was scared he would be unable to please her. So he bought a big dildo to use on her instead.
Finally one night she turned the lights on and saw that he was using a dildo on her.
She said, “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!”
He said, “Explain the kids!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg95pa/a_man_and_a_woman_always_made_love_with_the/
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One blade of grass turns to another blade of grass and says...

"It's really hot today, I've drank most of my water already as have you. What happens tomorrow if we run out?"
The other blade of grass responds: "Well, we'll just have to make dew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg93uu/one_blade_of_grass_turns_to_another_blade_of/
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Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper unzipping from a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg92i0/why_do_scotsmen_wear_kilts/
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Jack and Dan are on a camping trip in the woods, when Dan passes out

Jack calls the Ambulance and reports the accident
The Ambulance tells him, " Make sure he is actually dead'
Jack leaves the phone and the Ambulance hear a shot
Jack says, "Now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg8ri2/jack_and_dan_are_on_a_camping_trip_in_the_woods/
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My dad told me that he thinks the gender stuff has become rather complex with the LGBTQ community.

Then he added: "It was so much easier when I was a little girl. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg8qop/my_dad_told_me_that_he_thinks_the_gender_stuff/
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What do you call a well dressed lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythm?

A metro-gnome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg8pcz/what_do_you_call_a_well_dressed_lawn_statue_with/
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What do you call a Security Guards at a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg8mwl/what_do_you_call_a_security_guards_at_a_samsung/
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Hmmm a thought of mine..

If you are what you eat, then does that mean cannibals are the only true humans?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg8l39/hmmm_a_thought_of_mine/
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Are you the bottom of my laptop ?

Cuz you’re hot as fuck and I’m getting nervous .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg8e46/are_you_the_bottom_of_my_laptop/
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

They’re really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg8auf/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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For the first time in 40 years I didn't get a Valentine's day card from a secret admirer

I just don't understand it.
First Grandma dies, and now this!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg8aex/for_the_first_time_in_40_years_i_didnt_get_a/
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There’s a new lipstick on the market, it is guaranteed to help you lose lots of weight, and fast.

It’s marketed as a glue stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg86yc/theres_a_new_lipstick_on_the_market_it_is/
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Which is the most sensitive part of your body when you're jerking off?

Ears. You need to know whether your mom is cumming or not.
I am from Taiwan. I am not good at English spelling but I tried my best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg85h8/which_is_the_most_sensitive_part_of_your_body/
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I just had a conversation with a dolphin.

We just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg8599/i_just_had_a_conversation_with_a_dolphin/
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Why was the dyslexic comedian booed?

He punched up the fuck line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg83zy/why_was_the_dyslexic_comedian_booed/
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A big record label gathered Eminem, Dr. Dre, and Andre 3000 to collaborate on a new album.

Eminem said, "I'll perform."
Dr. Dre said, "I'll produce."
And Andre 3000 said, "I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg820x/a_big_record_label_gathered_eminem_dr_dre_and/
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A Holocaust survivor passes away and when he arrives at the pearly gates...

He tells God a Holocaust joke.
But God doesn't laugh, instead he sighs and says, "that's really not funny".
The Holocaust survivor responds, "Well i guess you had to be there".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg81xr/a_holocaust_survivor_passes_away_and_when_he/
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A student son is visiting his father and upon arrival is clearly upset about something.

His dad asks him what is the matter, and the son replies that he just had a horrible first date with this really pretty girl.
Dad asks what happened.
Son:
“Well she asked me if I go to college. I said no.
Then she asked me if I drive a Mercedes. I truthfully said no.
Finally, she asked if I live in a 2-story house. I said that I don’t.
She said that I’ve wasted her time, got up and left the restaurant.”
The dad sympathetically replies:
“Son, if you really like this girl, I would support you dropping out of Harvard and enrolling in come college, you could sell your Ferrari and get a Mercedes. But to give up your three-storey mansion for this dumb broad, I forbid it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg80ne/a_student_son_is_visiting_his_father_and_upon/
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My friend used to help blind children

Now he is is jail for putting bleach into their eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg7t88/my_friend_used_to_help_blind_children/
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I recently bought a toilet brush...

Long story short, I’m going back to toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg7sjf/i_recently_bought_a_toilet_brush/
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Why does the Pope doesn't like trigonometry?

Cos it has a lot of Sin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg7ryp/why_does_the_pope_doesnt_like_trigonometry/
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A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The ole cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and safely parked it.
Two weeks later, the ole cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni From Texas A&M, a highly sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
The good 'ole Texas boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg7rtq/a_cowboy_from_ft_worth_texas_walked_into_a_bank/
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Why was the playboy stressed?

He had a lot of thots in his mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg7rng/why_was_the_playboy_stressed/
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Comic Sans walks into a bar

The Bartender says, “Get Out- We don’t serve your type.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg7pr5/comic_sans_walks_into_a_bar/
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An elderly couple with Alzheimer's sees an ad for a burger place on TV.

Wife says "That looks good, I'm going to make us some burgers. What do you want on yours?"
Husband says "Lettuce, tomatoes, and onions. Remember: Lettuce, tomatoes, and onions."
Wife says "Lettuce, tomatoes, and onions. Got it!"
She disappears in the kitchen and finally comes out two hours later then hands the husband a plate of bacon and eggs.
He says "You idiot! You forgot the toast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg7p3u/an_elderly_couple_with_alzheimers_sees_an_ad_for/
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I just fell off a 150 foot ladder!

Thankfully, I was only on the third rung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg7n6f/i_just_fell_off_a_150_foot_ladder/
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Why are pirates good boxers?

They have a mean right hook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg7mv4/why_are_pirates_good_boxers/
%
A single sperm cell has 37.5 MB of DNA information on it. That means that an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg7jpo/a_single_sperm_cell_has_375_mb_of_dna_information/
%
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg7dqc/an_arab_sheik_was_admitted_to_hospital_for_heart/
%
You want to hear a cat joke?

Just kitten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg7cgj/you_want_to_hear_a_cat_joke/
%
How is American beer like having sex in a canoe?

It's fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg75jr/how_is_american_beer_like_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
%
Q: Can February March?

*A: No. But April May!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg6xlk/q_can_february_march/
%
Me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000? Her: sure ..

Me: K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg6x21/me_wanna_hear_a_joke_about_1000_her_sure/
%
Why is the English alphabet the closest thing we have to the perfect fascist state?

Where else can you find a population that are 96% Not Z’s
(I worked so hard on that one. Be gentle. )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg6tn8/why_is_the_english_alphabet_the_closest_thing_we/
%
A young boys and his mother are waiting in the line in McDonald.

Suddenly the boy shouts:
\- "Mom, I want to pee."
The mother takes him to the toilet and tells him:
\- "You are a grown up boy. Don't say you want to pee, again! Instead, tell me that you want to whistle then I will take you to the toilet".
Now, it's night and the mother is sleeping with her husband in a separate room. Suddenly, the young boy comes and shouts:
\- "Mom, I want to whistle".
His father wakes up first asks:
\- "What? What do you want to do?"
\- "I want to whistle, right now" - says the boy impatiently.
\- "But it is late night. You will wake up the neighbors" - tells him his father.
\- "No, no, I want to whistle right now" - says the boy stubbornly.
Poor father, who is laying down on his bed, is left with no options, so he turns around and tells to his son:
\- "Okay! Come closer and quietly whistle in my ear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg6ri5/a_young_boys_and_his_mother_are_waiting_in_the/
%
A truck driver driving down the highway sees...

A man on the roadside butt naked, half standing but bent over with his hands and feet tied together. The truck driver asks him what the hell  happened to you. The man replies I’m glad to see you , someone took my car my money stripped me of my clothes and left me here in this embarrassing position, tied up on the side of the road. The truck driver begins to unbutton his pants and replies “ man this just ain’t your day”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg6o0o/a_truck_driver_driving_down_the_highway_sees/
%
I've always loved hearing the word tinnitus

It just has such a nice ring to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg6n12/ive_always_loved_hearing_the_word_tinnitus/
%
A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name— they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother, “she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg6glq/a_15_year_old_boy_comes_home_with_a_porsche/
%
Best bar joke ever (kinda long)

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a beer while the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grab some olives off the bar and eat them, then he grabs some lemons and eat them. He jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. The bartender shouts at the man “Did you see what that monkey just did, he ate the whole damn cue ball.” The other man replies “he eats everything in sight don’t worry I’ll pay for the cue ball and the rest of it.” He finishes his drink and leaves with the monkey. A week later the monkey and the man returned to the bar. He orders a beer and just like the last time, the monkey starts jumping all over the place, grabs a maraschino cherry off the bar, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what he did, he stuck that cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.” “Yeah that doesn’t surprise me. He still eats everything in sight but since he ate your damn cue ball he measures everything first.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg6gdv/best_bar_joke_ever_kinda_long/
%
Knock, Knock

Who's there?
Dyslexic.
Dyslexic how?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg6epw/knock_knock/
%
A drunk guy stumbled upon a genie bottle

He says "hey genie, I get three wishes right? I want ten more bottles of jack Daniels" to which the genie replies "ten more?!?!?!?!? Are yous sure? You're already wasted enough" to which the guy relies " you can't judge me! You're the one that lives in the bottle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg6cji/a_drunk_guy_stumbled_upon_a_genie_bottle/
%
Why couldn't the bicycle make it up the hill?

It was two-tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg6a70/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_make_it_up_the_hill/
%
When I was a kid, we were so poor I had to bathe in the spring.

When money was good, I'd bathe in the fall too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg67fp/when_i_was_a_kid_we_were_so_poor_i_had_to_bathe/
%
I tell Dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg66rs/i_tell_dad_jokes/
%
I don't know why I offended the Asian man wearing a damaged bulletproof vest...

...all I said was "There's a chink in the armour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg64hm/i_dont_know_why_i_offended_the_asian_man_wearing/
%
Sinks can’t open doors

Let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg632o/sinks_cant_open_doors/
%
I once knew a guy named Jimmy Glasscock;

You could always see him coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5yxw/i_once_knew_a_guy_named_jimmy_glasscock/
%
What's the worst part about dating a Japanese girl?

The breakup: You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5wji/whats_the_worst_part_about_dating_a_japanese_girl/
%
Thank you student loans for getting me through college!

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5vy2/thank_you_student_loans_for_getting_me_through/
%
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5tv7/q_which_sexual_position_produces_the_ugliest/
%
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5tet/q_whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a_golf/
%
Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?

A. They can both smell it, but they can't eat it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5sz1/q_what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_boy_have_in/
%
What do you call a rap battle event between lizards?

A reptile diss function.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5r4c/what_do_you_call_a_rap_battle_event_between/
%
A woman is on trial for beating her husband with his own guitars

Judge: First time offender?
Woman: No, first the Gibson, then the fender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5ogs/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_with/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic bank robber?

As he ran into the bank he yelled, "AIR IN THE HANDS MOTHERSTICKERS THIS IS A FUCK UP!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5k18/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_bank_robber/
%
How does Harry Potter get down a hill really fast?

Running.         (Jk, rolling)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5h5h/how_does_harry_potter_get_down_a_hill_really_fast/
%
What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Whiz?

Cheese Wuz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5fpm/what_do_you_call_an_empty_jar_of_cheese_whiz/
%
How do you titelate an ocelot?

You occilate it's tit a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5aij/how_do_you_titelate_an_ocelot/
%
Healthy eagles come from America.

Ill eagles come from Mexico.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5aeg/healthy_eagles_come_from_america/
%
Why did the anti-vaxxer have a spoiled 6-year old?

It was past the expiration date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5955/why_did_the_antivaxxer_have_a_spoiled_6year_old/
%
How does Ryu of Street Fighter greet his childhood friend

***"HOWAREYOUKEN*****!!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg5290/how_does_ryu_of_street_fighter_greet_his/
%
I planted a tree in our front yard as a surprise for my wife, and she hated it.

But over time, it grew on her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg50l5/i_planted_a_tree_in_our_front_yard_as_a_surprise/
%
A policeman stopped me

and asked for my license. He says "it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
I said  "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg4rjs/a_policeman_stopped_me/
%
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no” he replied.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the flustered bartender managed to stammer.
“Tell him”, she whispered, “there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies restroom.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg4o3l/a_beautiful_woman_went_up_to_the_bar_in_a_quiet/
%
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said

Some black motherfucker would probably rob me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg4l4p/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_racist_thing_i_said/
%
There's one thing you should know about living with erectile dysfunction

It's just not as hard as it used to be

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg4iv9/theres_one_thing_you_should_know_about_living/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her as an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg4exc/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Remember, if a Communist is blowing up something, it is not your bomb or my bomb

it Tsar bomb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg4d73/remember_if_a_communist_is_blowing_up_something/
%
Single-use highlighters

Are rather unremarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg4cx4/singleuse_highlighters/
%
What has...

four legs, one arm and a big smile?
.
​.
.
A really happy guard dog...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg4cs3/what_has/
%
Guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender tells him to leave

Guy says the alligator is trained, and puts his hand in its mouth
Bartender still tells him to leave.  Guy then puts his head in the alligator’s mouth.  Bartender says the alligator is dangerous and he needs to leave.
In a final display, the guy unzips, puts his pecker in the alligator’s mouth, grabs a beer bottle and bashes its head.  The guy says “look, it’s perfectly safe. Does anyone else want to try?”
A lady at the end of the bar raises her hand and says “I will, but don’t hit me on the head so hard”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg4b2x/guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_alligator_and/
%
A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike.

The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.”
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg46mf/a_computer_science_student_is_studying_under_a/
%
I'm Irish and Italian.

Half Gaelic, half garlic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg4160/im_irish_and_italian/
%
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.

The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg3x4n/i_decided_to_switch_to_a_knife_to_preserve_my_ammo/
%
There’s a knock at the door

The butler goes and answers the door.
“Sir, there’s a man at the door with a mustache.”
“I’m not interested, tell him I’ve already got one!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg3w9g/theres_a_knock_at_the_door/
%
A dad goes to therapy for the suicide of his son.

Therapist: what was the name of your son?
Dad: I believe he said it was, sosickandtiredofthedadjokespleasestoporilljump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg3r91/a_dad_goes_to_therapy_for_the_suicide_of_his_son/
%
I taught a parrot to recognize shapes...

But now polygon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg3qsu/i_taught_a_parrot_to_recognize_shapes/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

"Keep the tip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg3q9p/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
Yesterday I saw aliens for the first time, they were tall and had blue skin with giant eyes. But what struck me the most is that they came in a green spaceship that had a rounded format

Turns out they do come in peas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg3lp8/yesterday_i_saw_aliens_for_the_first_time_they/
%
Two things that don’t get old

1) dark humour
2) unvaccinated children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg3hay/two_things_that_dont_get_old/
%
A man blind man walks into a bar

And a table and a chair and…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg3cbe/a_man_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My four favorite things

are chicken pot pie and omitting commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg34t8/my_four_favorite_things/
%
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick.

She is not talking to me now:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg34le/i_accidentally_handed_my_wife_a_glue_stick/
%
Joe: Guess which hand I hid the penny in?

5 year old: This one.
Joe: God damn it kid, how did you know?!
Turns out one-hand Joe isn't very good at surprising people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg33q6/joe_guess_which_hand_i_hid_the_penny_in/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg30ms/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
%
What did the testicle torture enthusiast say after a long day?

Ahhh, time to hit the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2z0g/what_did_the_testicle_torture_enthusiast_say/
%
The Bee Story

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.
We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.
And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.
But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.
But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."
I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.
Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2ydu/the_bee_story/
%
This is kind of a dad joke but

I was driving with my dad and we passed a cemetery. My dad said in a low and dark voice,” I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? And he said” The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” And I was really confused so I was like why? And he said cuz they’re still alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2y6f/this_is_kind_of_a_dad_joke_but/
%
I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby.....

As though it might be something else, like a penguin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2voe/i_love_how_people_say_theyre_expecting_a_baby/
%
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick wall?

A: A brick wall's only been laid once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2tke/q_whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a/
%
Three old ladies...

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2tb5/three_old_ladies/
%
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic

Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2t5c/guys_who_try_to_pick_up_girls_through_reddit_are/
%
A couple of years ago my friend told me I have trouble letting go of the past

Ill never forget it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2oss/a_couple_of_years_ago_my_friend_told_me_i_have/
%
A priest, preacher, and rabbi are arrested for illegal gambling

One night, a priest, a preacher, and a rabbi are having a game of poker when the cops suddenly bust down their door and arrest them all on the spot. They are immediately taken before a judge who tells them "Look, it's late and I don't want to send three holy men to jail, so if you can give me a good reason as to why you weren't gambling, I'll let you go".
The priest is the first to step forward and tells the judge "We weren't gambling because no money had changed hands yet". The judge decides that this is a good enough answer and lets the man go. The preacher goes next and says "We weren't because we hadn't even dealt the cards yet". Again the judge lets him go.
With just the rabbi left, the judge says "And finally for you. can you give me a good reason why you weren't gambling"? The rabbi gestures around the courtroom, empty except for the two of them and asks "Gambling? With who"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2gle/a_priest_preacher_and_rabbi_are_arrested_for/
%
Leeches are alright until they latch on.

Then they suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2ey0/leeches_are_alright_until_they_latch_on/
%
Why couldn't the flat-Earther fit his luggage in his car?

No space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2ef6/why_couldnt_the_flatearther_fit_his_luggage_in/
%
I absolutely MUST get a month dedicated to my favorite fruit...

Kumquat May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2dv6/i_absolutely_must_get_a_month_dedicated_to_my/
%
Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout

Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2ciz/two_dyslexics_run_into_a_bank_and_shout/
%
Donald Trump,the Pope,and a boyscout were on a plane.

The plane had to do an emergency crash landing.The pilot comes running out screaming,"We have to do an emergency crash landing but we only have three parachutes.Its my plane,I'm taking one."and he bails.Donald Trump says,"Well I'm the smartest president America ever had."So he takes one and bails.The boyscout looks up at the Pope and the Pope looks down at the boyscout and says,"Go ahead my son,take the last parachute."
The boyscout says to the Pope,"Go ahead, it's all yours,America's smartest President ever just jumped out with my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2c8z/donald_trumpthe_popeand_a_boyscout_were_on_a_plane/
%
Lorraine is gone...

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing..." I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2am8/lorraine_is_gone/
%
I bought a thesaurus the other day, and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank!

Not only was I furious, I was also furious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg2a0r/i_bought_a_thesaurus_the_other_day_and_when_i_got/
%
Which country's capital has the fastest growing population?

Ireland, every year it's Dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg26et/which_countrys_capital_has_the_fastest_growing/
%
A Pirate walks into a bar...

with a steering wheel in his pants.
Bartender: Hey pirate! You got a steering wheel in your pants!
Pirate: Arrrr! It's driving me nuts!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg24gi/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Did you know that there are no canaries on Canary islands? Same as with the Virgin islands...

No canaries there either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg22bq/did_you_know_that_there_are_no_canaries_on_canary/
%
One day, Putin summons the ghost of Stalin.

"Why is everything here so bad?" he asks. "What should I do to make Russia great again?"
"Execute the government and paint the Kremlin blue," says Stalin.
"Why blue?" asks the perplexed Putin.
"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg1zdy/one_day_putin_summons_the_ghost_of_stalin/
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"Where are you?"

"I'm in between the kitchen and drawing-room."
"Can't you just say you're in your home?"
"Then why did you call my landline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg1xjj/where_are_you/
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If Honey Bees Make Honey, What Kind of Bee Makes Milk?

Boobies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg1niz/if_honey_bees_make_honey_what_kind_of_bee_makes/
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My wife has a weight problem and refuses to talk about it.

Now whenever she is around, it's like there are two elephants in the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg1ih4/my_wife_has_a_weight_problem_and_refuses_to_talk/
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Do you like Malcolm in the Middle?

▢ Yes
▢ No
▢ Maybe
▢ I don't know, can you repeat the question?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg1hug/do_you_like_malcolm_in_the_middle/
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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender, "If I can show you something amazing, will you let me have a free drink?" The bartender plays along and replies, "Sure".
The man opens his jacket and out hops a frog. The frog runs over to the piano in the back of the bar and hops around the keys playing Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, and even taking requests. The bartender is stunned and gets the man his drink. After he finishes it, the man asks, "If I can show you something even more amazing, will you let me have another free drink?" The bartender is so amazed already, that he says, "If it's more amazing than that, I'll let you drink free for life!"
So the man opens his jacket and pulls out a hamster and sets it on the ground. It runs over to the piano, climbs on top and starts singing. The hamster sings opera, show tunes, even a little pop, and it takes requests. A woman runs over to the man and asks if she can buy the hamster for 500$. The man agrees, and the woman takes the hamster. The bartender is shocked and asks, "Why'd you sell that hamster for only 500$? You could've made millions!"
The man leans in close and says, "The frog is a ventriloquist".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg1hsp/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What’s the most sensitive part of the body during masterbation?

The ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg1fn1/whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_the_body_during/
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Why does dyslexic politician polling so poorly?

His first promise is to eliminate texas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg17zu/why_does_dyslexic_politician_polling_so_poorly/
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There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways.
One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made everyone back home very proud. Second friend went to business school, did alright, works a pretty standard white-collar office job. Last friend kind of became a burnout. Doesn't really do anything except smoke, drink, and live in his mom's basement. We'll call them Lawyer, Business School, and Burnout.
Well, ten years has pass, and then their school throws a High School reunion. For the first time since high school, all three are going to be in the same town at the same time. So, naturally, they decide to get together. The plan is to go grab some drinks the night before the Class Reunion, but in ten years they have become very different people, with very different tastes. Lawyer only wants to drink wine. Business School only wants to drink beer. And Burnout, true to form, only wants to drink spiked punch.
So, they first go to a bar. The bartender has beer, but no wine, and no spiked punch. Then they go to a lounge. The lounge has beer and wine, but no punch to drink. They drive all over town, but no matter where they go, no business has the combination of all three. After about two hours of this, Burnout has an idea. He thinks they should find a college party to crash, since there is bound to be all sorts of alcohol there. It takes some hemming and hawing, but eventually he convinces the other two. After all, it's the first time in ten years they have seen each other. Why not?
So, they drive to the college district, and they find a frat house with an insane party going on. This thing is so crazy people are lining up out the door just to get in. They know this is the one. So they get in line, and after a while, they make it inside the house.
The inside is even crazier. People everywhere, lights and music, guys hanging from chandeliers. This is DEFINITELY the right place. They are really excited to finally live it up after a night of searching. Thing is, there are so many people here that there are queues just to get the drinks. The Lawyer still wants wine, so he gets in the wine line. Business School still wants beer, so he gets in the beer line. And Burnout still wants punch, but there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg17w0/there_were_once_three_friends_who_were_absolutely/
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President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg13ss/president_donald_trump_and_his_driver_were/
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A Shaggy Dog Story

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.
He says to the bartender; “I have a talking dog, and for a drink, I’ll prove it to you.”
The bartender pours the man a drink.
The man has his drink. When he finishes, the bartender says, “so let’s hear your dog talk.”
The man says to the dog;
“What’s this over our heads?”
The dog replies  “Woof!”
The bartender gets annoyed and says, “Hey! Any dog can say that, there’s nothing special about your dog!”
The man says, “Well, maybe I asked him the wrong question. Pour me another drink and I will be sure that he impresses you!”
So the bartender says, “Alright, I’ll give the dog one more chance.” He pours the man another drink. When the man finishes his drink, the bartender is right in front of him, waiting to be impressed by this “talking dog.”
The man again, turns to the dog and says “How were things in the 1920’s during the depression?”
The dog says, “Ruff!”
The bartender starts to get mad and is about to throw both the man and his dog out of the bar.
The man pleads with the bartender, “Please, just one more chance! I’m asking him the wrong questions! I’ll PROVE to you that my dog can talk, if you would PLEASE just give me one more drink!”
The bartender really does want to hear the dog talk, so he gives in, and pours the man one more drink.
The man turns to the dog and says “Who is the most famous baseball player of all time?”
The dog says, “Rooth!”
When the dog said that, the bartender picked up the man and his dog by the scruff of their necks and threw them out of the bar into the street, where the dog turns to the man and says, “Should I have said DiMaggio?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg1182/a_shaggy_dog_story/
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Which knight is the protector of food?

Sir Anwrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg0t6k/which_knight_is_the_protector_of_food/
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It took a lot of balls for my friend to go on the reality TV show “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Three actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg0s6d/it_took_a_lot_of_balls_for_my_friend_to_go_on_the/
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50 years later most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is

Or what kind of saxophone music he played

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg0q92/50_years_later_most_people_have_no_idea_who_neil/
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What does a basketball player, internet addict & sad fisherman all have in common?

Nothin' but net.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg0njn/what_does_a_basketball_player_internet_addict_sad/
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I missed my Ex wife twice this morning.

I must get the sights on my rifle fixed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg0le3/i_missed_my_ex_wife_twice_this_morning/
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The past

I remember when “cornhole “ was played behind closed doors.
And when “Groupon” was a word you never wanted to hear your sister yell.
And when “Blowing A Tranny” meant something COMPLETELY different!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg0gj9/the_past/
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Ten shots of whiskey

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg0e46/ten_shots_of_whiskey/
%
I'm not a fan of chairs...

...they go against everything I stand for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg0bjz/im_not_a_fan_of_chairs/
%
A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way

To which Yoda responded, “off course, we are.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg0bdf/a_passenger_in_panic_asked_if_the_airplane_was/
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What has 8 arms, 8 legs, and 8 eyes?

&nbsp;
&nbsp;
8 pirates... and also 8 homeless people by the year 2025.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg09lp/what_has_8_arms_8_legs_and_8_eyes/
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I met my girlfriend in high school,

We were immediately best friends and spent days together having the most fun I had ever had. Then one day I asked her the question.
She said yes!
We were so happy together and we stayed together through high school. We both finished college together, we both got jobs together and eventually we both bought a house.
One day at work this new guy comes in called joe and it says he has a confidential past and he never seemed to want to talk about where he was from so me and my coworkers never found out where he was from. Me and joe both talk together but I wouldn’t say we were best friends. A couple weeks later joe comes in late and sad. He explains that he was evicted from his last house and was broke. Feeling bad for him, I offer to let him stay at our place in the guest room to which he accepts immediately and looks like he just won the lottery.
Now, I worked 9-5 and joe worked 8-4 so he would get home before me and chill in his room trying to find an apartment somewhere.
One day I decide I want to pop the question to my girlfriend so I buy a ring and invite her out to a nice restaurant. Once we finish desert I get down on one knee and pop the question to her. She tears up but explains how joe had been sexually touching and abusing her while I was away.
Furious I pay and bolt it back to the house where he’s sat in the living room watching tv. I walk up to him and punch him right in the eye. His eye swells up like cotton and I yell at him to pack up and leave immediately.
Over the next couple months I help her recover from it and about a year later we get married and she accepts.
About two years after joe left we had moved to another town about an hour away and while walking to work I run into an old friend and we have a little chat about our workplaces. He explains he works at a company as a manger and recruits new people often. I ask about any new people he’s signed and he explains a man called joe that came in. I ask about the last name and yep. It’s THAT joe.
My mind starts wizzing and I tell my friend,
If it weren’t for cotton eye joe,
I would’ve been married a long time ago.
Where did he come from, where did he go?
Where did he come from cotton eye joe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg09l6/i_met_my_girlfriend_in_high_school/
%
I never got school shooting jokes

Maybe they're just aimed at younger audiences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg09b2/i_never_got_school_shooting_jokes/
%
People always say "go big or go home" as if going home is a bad thing.

&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Like hell yeah I'll go home... I can nap when i get there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg06l6/people_always_say_go_big_or_go_home_as_if_going/
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They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

.
Turns out the parents of that cerebral palsy kid on my street strongly disagree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg04ej/they_say_that_imitation_is_the_sincerest_form_of/
%
My wife threatened to divorce me...

My wife told me if I didn't stop listening to The Monkees, she was going to divorce me. At first I thought she must have been joking. Then I saw her face....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg03ap/my_wife_threatened_to_divorce_me/
%
A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a laboratory.

When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab.
One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn’t been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He invited the lab rabbit to join him. The lab rabbit was unsure, as he had never been outside the lab, but the wild rabbit finally convinced him to give it a try.
Once they were free, the wild rabbit said, “I’ll show you the number-three best field,” and took the lab rabbit to a field full of lettuce.
After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, “Now I’ll show you the number-two best field,” and took the lab rabbit to a field full of carrots.
After they had had their fill of carrots, the wild rabbit said, “Now I’ll show you the number-one best field,” and took the lab rabbit to a warren full of female bunnies. It was Heaven— nonstop fucking all night long.
As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit announced that he would have to be getting back to the lab.
“Why?” said the wild rabbit. “I’ve shown you the number-three best field with the lettuce, the number-two best field with the carrots, and the number-one best field with the girls. Why would you want to go back to the lab?”
The lab rabbit replied, “I’m dying for a cigarette!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cg025t/a_wild_rabbit_was_caught_and_taken_to_a_laboratory/
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If I had a piece of bread for every gender...

I could make exactly one sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfzxm7/if_i_had_a_piece_of_bread_for_every_gender/
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A pirate walks into a bar and has a steering wheel down his pants...

The bartender asks the pirate: "Isn't that annoying?"
The pirate responds: "Arrr it's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfzv3h/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_and_has_a_steering/
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A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. she gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all of the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfzuai/a_man_is_dating_three_women_and_wants_to_decide/
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I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfzscg/i_can_always_tell_if_someone_is_lying_just_by/
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Trump and Pence are on Air Force One.

Trump says "You know, I bet if I threw this $100 bill out the door I could make one person very happy".
Pence says "I bet if I threw these two $50 bills out the door I could make two people really happy".
The copilot looks at the pilot and says "I bet if I threw the both of them out the door I could make about 7 billion people really happy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfzmxg/trump_and_pence_are_on_air_force_one/
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Got talking to a girl online then when we met in person she was a 65 year old guy.

She wasn't lying when she said her ex was a plastic surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfzmia/got_talking_to_a_girl_online_then_when_we_met_in/
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I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all just mapleleaf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfzeta/i_just_found_out_canada_isnt_real/
%
Man goes into a hardware store for hooks.

He tells the kid working there his wife wants a dozen little gold hooks to hang jewelry.  The kid looks and comes back saying, we don't have gold ones but we do have silver ones, they'll work just as good.
To which the man looks at the kid and says, "you aren't married are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfzeko/man_goes_into_a_hardware_store_for_hooks/
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Four rabbis get into an argument

One rabbi claimed that he knew what a bible passage meant, but the other three thought he was wrong.
The lone rabbi asked God for a sign that he is right, and behold, it began to rain! However, the other rabbis were unconvinced, thinking "it was only a coincidence and didn't prove anything."
Again, the rabbi prayed for a sign, clearer than before. Soon after, lightning struck the tree next to them. Still unconvinced, the other rabbis commented that "lightning is random and means nothing."
One more time, the rabbi asked for the clearest sign possible. Suddenly, a booming voice camefrom the heavens, shouting "HE'S RIGHT!"
Returning to thier conversation, the three rabbis states, "Okay, now it's three against two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfzea7/four_rabbis_get_into_an_argument/
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If I got a dime every time I didn't understand whats going on,

I'd be like "why are you giving me these dimes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfz5r9/if_i_got_a_dime_every_time_i_didnt_understand/
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I'm sick of these goddamn racists and their glowing swastika tattoos.

Damned Neon-Nazis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfz1bf/im_sick_of_these_goddamn_racists_and_their/
%
What do sailors eat?

Boat meal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfz0bm/what_do_sailors_eat/
%
A girl needs to go to her gynecologist for a check up.

She gets checked in and sits down on the table.
Doctor says "Alright, get naked and spread your legs." So she does and he starts to examine her.
The second he gets down there, she hears "Wow, you have a massive vagina! Wow, you have a massive vagina!"
She gets all offended and says "Well you didnt have to say it twice!!"
He said "I didnt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfyzam/a_girl_needs_to_go_to_her_gynecologist_for_a/
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A waitress once threw sodium chloride on me.

That’s assault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfyyag/a_waitress_once_threw_sodium_chloride_on_me/
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What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfys9p/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
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Cigarette after sex helped me...

...to quit smoking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfymx2/cigarette_after_sex_helped_me/
%
What do you call friends who learn mathematics together?

Algebros....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfylnu/what_do_you_call_friends_who_learn_mathematics/
%
A book fell on my head

I can only blame my shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfyd7m/a_book_fell_on_my_head/
%
Apparently I angered Two people Today by calling them "Hipsters"

Although I think the correct term is "conjoined twins"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfy7j8/apparently_i_angered_two_people_today_by_calling/
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What's worse than a suicide bomber?

A dead suicide bomber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfy69k/whats_worse_than_a_suicide_bomber/
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A 16 y/o boy asks his mom if he can go bungee jumping

His mom's answer: "No, you were born of broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfy3ci/a_16_yo_boy_asks_his_mom_if_he_can_go_bungee/
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A dildo hits the windshield of a car.

Girl: Mom, what was it?
Mom: nothing sweetheart, just a big insect.
Girl: he had a huge cock though!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfy26j/a_dildo_hits_the_windshield_of_a_car/
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Peters first date with Stacey was going well.

As they sat in Peters car on a remote country road,Stacey made an announcement
"I'm actually a prostitute,and if you want any action it will cost you $50.00."
"Well," Peter shot back.
"I'm actually a cab driver,and if you want a ride back to your house it will cost you $100.00."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfy1ci/peters_first_date_with_stacey_was_going_well/
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I wanted to get my meat beaten from a cute cop

So i painted it black.
That didn't go too well, I'm in the hospital now with 3 bullet holes in my dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfxz03/i_wanted_to_get_my_meat_beaten_from_a_cute_cop/
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Ever since it started to snow, all my wife does is stare through the window

I really should let her in at some point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfxss3/ever_since_it_started_to_snow_all_my_wife_does_is/
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Fireman comes home from the station on day.

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
" The next night he came home from work and yelled
" BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfxrjt/fireman_comes_home_from_the_station_on_day/
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Party with the new neighbor

John just moved into a do I try house when his new neighbor from down the road stops by.
Neighbor: Hey manr, nice to meet you! I'm having a party tomorrow. Would you like to come?
John: Sure! Id love to meet the new neighbors!
Neighbor: Perfect. There will be some drinking. Probably some fighting. There will definitely be some fucking.
John: Alright, thats fine by me. What time does it start?
Neighbor: Oh, stop by anytime.  Its just us!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfxrf0/party_with_the_new_neighbor/
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America is storming Area 51 Let Europe storm the Vatican.

America can have the Aliens.
Europe will get the Predators.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfxqm1/america_is_storming_area_51_let_europe_storm_the/
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I've got a really good joke about dentists

Brace yourselves...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfxqiw/ive_got_a_really_good_joke_about_dentists/
%
Two snails talk to each other. After some time one of them says:"I'm going to the grocery store, should I bring you something?"

the other one says: "Yes, please, I would like an ice cream"
The snail makes his way to the store, he returns after two days and says: " Sorry I forgot to ask you which flavour you want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfxoc5/two_snails_talk_to_each_other_after_some_time_one/
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I used to be a soap addict

But I'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfxnsp/i_used_to_be_a_soap_addict/
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I got a pair of shoes from my drug dealer recently..

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfxjos/i_got_a_pair_of_shoes_from_my_drug_dealer_recently/
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A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.
The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfxhmy/a_teenage_potato_brings_her_boyfriend_home_to/
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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted that it was his testicles. I got him to undress and the problem was immediately obvious - his balls were huge!
Initial examination showed they were highly tender and I was thinking it could be my first case of elephantitis. However, when asking him about his sexual history I soon realised the issue was psychological - he was so anxious about sex that he'd never ejaculated, which had then lead to his balls becoming hugely swollen. I was a bit unsure but decided the best thing to do was dose him up on diazepam, give him some kj jelly and leave him in a cubicle with the Internet and a box of tissues to "relieve the pressure".
Ten minutes went by during which I heard some little whimpers then eventually what sounded worryingly like a clogged sink coming unblocked. He called me in sheepishly and the scene that greeted me was something I'll never forget. There was ejacuate all over the chair, himself, the curtains. It's was crazy, i'd never seen anything like it. I managed to keep my professional face on just long enough to assure him it was okay and for him to explain that much of the pain had gone.
I gave him a prescription for mild painkillers and asked him to come back in a month. That was 20 years ago and I often wondered what happened to him. However, sadly I saw in the obituary pages that he'd recently died of testicular complications.  He never had come again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfxd75/doctors_of_reddit_who_is_that_one_patient_you/
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Dermatologist here. I can't decide whether to specialise in psoriasis, or dermatitis. This indecision has put my career back 10 years.

I can't make a rash decision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfxac5/dermatologist_here_i_cant_decide_whether_to/
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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive...

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says: "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfx6hj/a_fellow_bought_a_new_mercedes_and_was_out_on_the/
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How do you shame a shoe ?

By telling it has no sole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfx4nl/how_do_you_shame_a_shoe/
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What did Marcus Aurelius say to the stripper?

Damn girl you've got some Epictetus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfx1k2/what_did_marcus_aurelius_say_to_the_stripper/
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My dad hasn't kissed a single woman other than my mother.

I've seen him kiss plenty of men but I think that's how just he bonds with friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfwwjz/my_dad_hasnt_kissed_a_single_woman_other_than_my/
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Apparently, it's considered unprofessional to have sex with one of your patients

Anyway, I lost my job as a veterinarian today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfwvuf/apparently_its_considered_unprofessional_to_have/
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Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s?

Because they fall through the holes in his hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfwumw/why_cant_jesus_eat_mms/
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I'm a social vegan

I avoid meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfwtjp/im_a_social_vegan/
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A man walks into a doctors practice

The man approaches the doctor and says, " help doc, ive been raped by an elephant" the doctor looks him up and down and says"i dont believe you, can you prove it?, the man turns around, drops his trousers and presents his asshole, which is the size of a dinner plate, the doctor looks at him and says "that doesnt make any sense, an elephants penis is only as thick as your wrist, yeah the man replied, but it fingered me first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfwr2k/a_man_walks_into_a_doctors_practice/
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A farmer needs a new rooster

His rooster is getting old. So he goes over to Clydes house and buys a new, younger rooster. The new rooster goes up to the old rooster and says, "I'm the new rooster around here old man, you gotta get out of here!" The old rooster replies, "alright, I know when my time has come. But u dont want to look cowardly in front of the other animals, can you chase me around for a bit and then I'll leave?" The young rooster feels bad for the older one, so agrees, and proceeds to chase him around the farm for a bit, making a good show of it. Then the farmer comes out, sees what's happening and blows away the younger rooster with a shotgun, exclaiming, "Damn it! Clyde done sold me a gay rooster!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfwr1j/a_farmer_needs_a_new_rooster/
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If "you are what you eat" then lesbians are pussies, gays men are dicks.... actually you know what? I really shouldn't stereotype like that.

That would make me an ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfwqhb/if_you_are_what_you_eat_then_lesbians_are_pussies/
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Shout out to people who dont know what the opposite of in is

^(Ignore this part im only writing this part so my post wont get deleted)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfwkuk/shout_out_to_people_who_dont_know_what_the/
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Years ago, the average parents had 4 kids.

Now, the average kid has 4 parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfwkaa/years_ago_the_average_parents_had_4_kids/
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TIL:Today I learned that prostitutes in the old west charged as little as $1.00 for their services

You really got a bang for your buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfwjq3/tiltoday_i_learned_that_prostitutes_in_the_old/
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My roommates insist that our house is haunted

I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfwiei/my_roommates_insist_that_our_house_is_haunted/
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Guys, I think I have a superpower..

I'm invisible to ladies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfwhwv/guys_i_think_i_have_a_superpower/
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Which kind of poo smells better than it tastes?

Shampoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfwfua/which_kind_of_poo_smells_better_than_it_tastes/
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What kind of bird always forgets the words to songs?

A Hummingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfwcr2/what_kind_of_bird_always_forgets_the_words_to/
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Two days before my wife's birthday I asked her what her bra size was.

"Ooh," she said. "Thinking of getting me a new one?"
I said, "No. I just wanted to see how they compared with your sister's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfw456/two_days_before_my_wifes_birthday_i_asked_her/
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It was autumn, and Indians on a reserve asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.
A few days later, as a practical afterthought, he called the National Weather Service and asked whether they were forecasting a cold winter. The meteorologist replied that, indeed, he thought the winter would be quite cold. The chief advised the tribe to stock even more wood.
A couple of weeks later, the chief checked in again with the Weather Service. “Does it still look like a cold winter?” asked the chief. “It sure does,” replied the meteorologist. “It looks like a very cold winter.” The chief advised the tribe to gather up every scrap of wood they could find.
A couple of weeks later, the chief called the Weather Service again and asked how the winter was looking at that point. The meteorologist said, “We’re now forecasting that it will be one of the coldest winters on record!”
“Really?” said the chief. “How can you be so sure?”
The meteorologist replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfw2cf/it_was_autumn_and_indians_on_a_reserve_asked/
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What smells better than it tastes?

A nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvz38/what_smells_better_than_it_tastes/
%
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvyf1/a_man_suffered_a_serious_heart_attack_while/
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If anyone makes fun of you for being deaf...

Don’t listen to a word they say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvxn3/if_anyone_makes_fun_of_you_for_being_deaf/
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The story of the Naked wowan

A fully naked woman goes up in a taxi whose driver is a man. He looked at her from top to bottom and several times.
The worried women asks:
Have you ever seen a naked woman?
The taxi driver answers:
I don’t look at you because you’re naked. I’m worried because I’m watching and watching and I don’t see where you have the money to pay me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvxe8/the_story_of_the_naked_wowan/
%
Donate a kidney, and you're a hero.

Donate 5 kidneys, and you get arrested???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvwfz/donate_a_kidney_and_youre_a_hero/
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I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask way too many questions

Like "who's blood is this" and "where did you get it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvwc3/i_was_going_to_donate_blood_today_but_they_always/
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Did you know that a hand sanitizer is much more effective than the allies in WW2?

A hand sanitizer kills 99.9% of the germs in only 15 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvw8h/did_you_know_that_a_hand_sanitizer_is_much_more/
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I don’t get why y’all complain about hand sanitizer only killing 99.9% of germs.

Just take two squirts and it’ll kill 199.8% of the germs on your hand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvrpt/i_dont_get_why_yall_complain_about_hand_sanitizer/
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Today I angered two people by calling them "hipsters"

Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvqpq/today_i_angered_two_people_by_calling_them/
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What did the Arab leader drink every day to build muscle mass?

A protein sheikh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvnx7/what_did_the_arab_leader_drink_every_day_to_build/
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I think someone is trying to kill me, so I Googled him and when I got to his website my heart stopped

It wants to know my location!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvlmi/i_think_someone_is_trying_to_kill_me_so_i_googled/
%
What did everyone say when the shovel was invented?

Wow that's a groundbreaking idea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvjvy/what_did_everyone_say_when_the_shovel_was_invented/
%
What’s the difference between a feminist and a land mine?

When the land mine is triggered, it accomplishes something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvjpf/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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A rock band was booed by the crowd.

The drum player and the bass player drink in a bar, depressed as fuck, trying to figure out what went wrong.
'It's probably the stage sound', the bass player suggests. 'That engineer can't mix shit in a bowl, let alone sound.'
'Come on, we've had worse. At least the monitors were working.'
'Well, then it's our lead, that narcissistic fuck was so busy showing off in front of his fangirls that he forgot the lyrics.'
'Dude, that was the only verse when they actually cheered.'
'What an ungrateful crowd, I bet this shithole of a town has never heard of rock.'
'Dude, we get booed at every gig.'
'Oh. That's right.'
'Maybe we just suck. I mean, you and I.'
'Yeah, I guess so. I mean, we can never keep pace with each other!'
'I know right! Always out of sync, and we're the fucking rhythm section!'
The drummer thinks for a bit, finishes his drink and says:
'Fuck this life, I'm jumping off the roof.'
'Yeah, let's do this together.'
So they climb up a high building and approach the edge, holding hands.
'You ready? One, two, three!'
*Thump.*
*Thump.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvidu/a_rock_band_was_booed_by_the_crowd/
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I dont think I need a spine.

Its holding me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvi9t/i_dont_think_i_need_a_spine/
%
Two men discussing on their first day of joining the army:

"I am not married, and I like war.. So I joined the army. What about you?"
"I am married, and I like peace."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvfiu/two_men_discussing_on_their_first_day_of_joining/
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How many Mexicans do you need to change a light bulb?

Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvcpr/how_many_mexicans_do_you_need_to_change_a_light/
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I like my coffee how I like my women...

I don't like coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfvbf6/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
%
A blonde stood on the streets of new york city with a surf board...

She just wanted to catch the highest of the heat waves!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfv9vo/a_blonde_stood_on_the_streets_of_new_york_city/
%
My Girlfriend was really athletic

After all she was on the jv wrestling team, on the football team, and hockey goalie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfv9hv/my_girlfriend_was_really_athletic/
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What do you call an Arabian Elvis in an earthquake?

Amal Shookup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfv8hg/what_do_you_call_an_arabian_elvis_in_an_earthquake/
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Story of names

Three kids are in the car with there mom.
Kid 1: mom how was I named?
Mom: well when we were taking you out of the hospital a lily fell on your head so we decided to call you lily.
Kid 2: what about me?
Mom: when we left the hospital with you a rose petal fell on your head so we decided to name you rose.
Kid three: Diwoamckvkcoaq dkwkqlqfne w wksmekqps fkeoqlax
Mom: shut up brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfv5vr/story_of_names/
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A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

&nbsp;
&nbsp;
The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfv5m8/a_woman_is_walking_along_a_beach_when_she_sees_a/
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[NSFW] so, this guy is going on a business trip,

and he doesn't want his wife to get horny and not have anyone to help, so he decides to get her a little gift. he heads on down to a sex shop, and he's looking at the dildos. "too short. too think. ... WAY too big.." so he goes up to the clerk and asks "hey, you have anything really special?" the clerk says "well, we have this one thing..." she pulls out a box that says "voodoo dick." the man is confused. "voodoo dick? what the hell is that?" the clerk replies "it's a magic dildo. all you gotta do is say its name, then say what you want it to fuck. watch: voodoo dick, blowup doll" the voodoo dick promptly begins to screw the blowup doll next to the counter. the man is amazed. "h-how do you get it to stop?" the clerk simply utters the word "abracadabra." the voodoo dick floats on back into the box. that night, the man heads off. his wife finds the box with a post-it note on it. it reads "hey, honey! I got you a little something. it's a magic dildo. all you gotta do is say its name (voodoo dick) and where you want it to fuck." the wife tries it out. "voodoo dick, my pussy." it feels good. it does far better than her husband ever did, and for far longer. eventually, she's done. she tries to pull it out, but it won't stop. she tries again. nope. she looks at the box and sees an address. luckily, it's nearby. she decides to head on over. she gets in the car, but forgets her clothes. as she's driving along (quite erratically,) a cop pulls her over. when she opens the window, the cop says "ma'am, why were you driving so recklessl- why are you naked?" the woman replies "it's this magic dildo my husband got me. it's called voodoo dick and i don't know how to get it to stop." the cop laughs: "first off: voodoo dick, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfv4q3/nsfw_so_this_guy_is_going_on_a_business_trip/
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What happened to the guy who had a fetish for population statistics?

He finally came to his census.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfv3mp/what_happened_to_the_guy_who_had_a_fetish_for/
%
New flight simulator.

I downloaded a new 737 Max flight simulator, but it keeps crashing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfv33j/new_flight_simulator/
%
Today I woke up with a hole in my pants

I thought to myself "some asshole is trying to escape"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfv1sp/today_i_woke_up_with_a_hole_in_my_pants/
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Why aren't you supposed to tell any jokes at prom?

The punch line is always too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfv1sf/why_arent_you_supposed_to_tell_any_jokes_at_prom/
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I've decided to kill off the protagonist to the new book I'm writing.

That should spice things up in my autobiography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfv0mp/ive_decided_to_kill_off_the_protagonist_to_the/
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Why is Caitlyn Jenner’s dad so good at hide and seek?

He’s trans-parent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfuxxt/why_is_caitlyn_jenners_dad_so_good_at_hide_and/
%
I think my physics teacher is deaf...

I asked her what the S.I unit of power is and she kept saying "what"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfuwes/i_think_my_physics_teacher_is_deaf/
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I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

.  But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog.  I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.
We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly.  Every day, sometimes throughout the day.  Slowly we learned more about each other.  Her dog's name was Daisy.  My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity).  She was a CPA.  I was a beekeeper.
And at this, she stumbled.  "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper."  But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.
But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point.  More personal information.  What firm she worked for.  Where my farm was.  Names of relatives.  Names of high schools.  All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.
But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures.  Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person.  I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it.  I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."
I couldn't imagine a life without my bees.  But I also couldn't imagine a life without her.  Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.
Then I saw her face.  Now I'm a bee leaver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfurwv/i_hadnt_put_my_own_picture_up_on_my_dating/
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What did the father Buffalo say to his boy before he left for school?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfumeb/what_did_the_father_buffalo_say_to_his_boy_before/
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It was so hot today . . .

. . . I saw two hydrants fighting over a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfuiju/it_was_so_hot_today/
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I will not live to see that day :(

Three old men went to see God.
The first old man, an American, asked God when will his country come out of recession. "100 years," God said.
The American started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"
Second man, a Russian asked God "When will my country become prosperous?"
"Fifty years," came the reply.
Russian too started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"
Finally the Indian asked God, "When will my country become corruption-free?"
God started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfuhyq/i_will_not_live_to_see_that_day/
%
A Blonde and a Red Head own a Ranch together...

They have just lost their prized bull. The women need to buy another asap, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go into town and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes into town and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde, she reads really  slow...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfucwk/a_blonde_and_a_red_head_own_a_ranch_together/
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I'm such a chick magnet...

...that i repel them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfubr0/im_such_a_chick_magnet/
%
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

I don’t know. He hasn’t opened his presents yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfu7pl/what_did_the_boy_with_no_arms_and_no_legs_get_for/
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What do you call a nun that goes for long walks?

A Roamin' Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfu7f9/what_do_you_call_a_nun_that_goes_for_long_walks/
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A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge  me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've reading on Facebook  lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cftx7s/a_blonde_teenager_wanting_to_earn_some_extra/
%
What two words can piss off nearly any woman the first time you meet them?

How much?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cftute/what_two_words_can_piss_off_nearly_any_woman_the/
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I just found out one of my friends is addicted to hard drugs. It’s really affecting me because I had no idea. If only I’d know

... He could have been buying them from me this whole time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cftufd/i_just_found_out_one_of_my_friends_is_addicted_to/
%
A father and his son are sitting outside

Son: Dad, what’s an alcoholic?
Dad: Well son, let me explain it to you this way. See those four trees over there? An alcoholic would tell you that there are eight trees.
Son: But Dad, there are only two trees over there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfttoc/a_father_and_his_son_are_sitting_outside/
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My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cftmxz/my_girlfriends_father_is_very_religious_and_says/
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A principal notices a Post-It on a locker.

"Jocks of JFK High! This small change in diet can boost your physique FOREVER! Head to the gym to find out how!"
Puzzled, he pulls it off and continues down the hall. Just a few lockers down, another catches his eye.
"Hey goth girls! Tired of dark eyeliner that just runs all day? One simple trick will fix it! Find out how in the gym!"
*OK, I'll bite,* the principal thinks to himself. He walks to the gymnasium, pushes open the door...and immediately gets stuck. He looks down and sees the floor covered with flypaper glue.
Outraged, he removes his shoes to unstick himself and races around the school until he finds a young man placing a note, this time aimed at math nerds, on yet another locker.
He slaps the note out of his hand and shouts:
"QUIT POSTING CLIQUE BAIT EVERYWHERE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cftkk3/a_principal_notices_a_postit_on_a_locker/
%
My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out.

So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cftkem/my_doctor_took_one_look_at_my_gut_and_refused_to/
%
dog joke

what did the dog say when he sat on the sand paper?
ruff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cftj1g/dog_joke/
%
9 Months really isn't that long

It just feels like a maternity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cftgnv/9_months_really_isnt_that_long/
%
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to set the bicycle on fire and two to fill the bathtub with giraffes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cftabj/how_many_surrealists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What is Gordon Ramsey's favorite subreddit?

Its fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cft9zz/what_is_gordon_ramseys_favorite_subreddit/
%
I'm a social vegan..

I avoid meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cft882/im_a_social_vegan/
%
For the 50th anniversary of the moon landing, they're building a restaurant up there.

The food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cft744/for_the_50th_anniversary_of_the_moon_landing/
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Why did the school ban scissors?

To prevent students from cutting class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cft66f/why_did_the_school_ban_scissors/
%
Why doesn’t America have any knock knock jokes?

Because Freedom always Rings!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cft5at/why_doesnt_america_have_any_knock_knock_jokes/
%
How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cft474/how_can_you_tell_if_being_a_suicide_bomber_really/
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A drunk man walks into a library

He stumbles to the counter and says to the librarian, "I'll have a double cheeseburger please."
Confused the librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."
Clearing his throat, "oh sorry. ᴵ'ˡˡ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵃ ᵈᵒᵘᵇˡᵉ ᶜʰᵉᵉˢᵉᵇᵘʳᵍᵉʳ ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cft0ya/a_drunk_man_walks_into_a_library/
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The old priest was sick off all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One day he said ‘If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit.’
Everyone liked the priest, so together they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had ‘fallen.’
This seemed to please the old priest and things went very well, until one day the priest died at an old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the towns mayor and looked and sounded very concerned.
The priest said ‘You have to do something about all the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.’
The mayor started to laugh, realising no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain why everyone kept saying they had ‘fallen,’ the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, ‘I don’t know what you’re laughing about. Your wife fell over three times this week!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfszd4/the_old_priest_was_sick_off_all_the_people_in_his/
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Anyone can make $1m a year by simply putting $50m in a bank for the interest. Bit not everyone knows how to earn $50m. I do

Put $2.5b in a bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfsvti/anyone_can_make_1m_a_year_by_simply_putting_50m/
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What do you call a germ that evolves into a man?

A German.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfsusx/what_do_you_call_a_germ_that_evolves_into_a_man/
%
What do you call an angry German?

*A Sauerkraut*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfsnnw/what_do_you_call_an_angry_german/
%
Did you hear that Napoleon died in an explosion?

He was Blown-apart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfsj8p/did_you_hear_that_napoleon_died_in_an_explosion/
%
Jokes about feminine hygiene are completely inappropriate…

Period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfsi5g/jokes_about_feminine_hygiene_are_completely/
%
How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhoes.

Two calves, and ass, a beaver, a shit load of hares, 1 camel toe and a fish no body can find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfsggl/how_many_animals_can_you_fit_in_a_pair_of/
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I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job,

but when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfseup/i_refused_to_believe_my_road_worker_father_was/
%
What does a horny frog say

Rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfsess/what_does_a_horny_frog_say/
%
Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street.

Police are combing the area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfs9pj/today_a_large_truck_full_of_hair_restoring_tonic/
%
Donald Trump walks into a bar ...

and lowers it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfs9b8/donald_trump_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the good thing about FaceApp?

Kids with cancer can see themselves older.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfs8pu/whats_the_good_thing_about_faceapp/
%
How many incels does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn’t matter. They’ll hold the door open for the lightbulb, then get pissy because it won’t screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfs6m6/how_many_incels_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
What did 4 tell 2 when he saw 8 acting like an idiot?

Don't worry, he's just a product of our times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfs0is/what_did_4_tell_2_when_he_saw_8_acting_like_an/
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the local news station conducted an interview with an 80 year old about to have her 4th husband

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfs05h/the_local_news_station_conducted_an_interview/
%
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfrpk7/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married_at_the/
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Why do fish swim in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfrotq/why_do_fish_swim_in_salt_water/
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Turns out my wife likes Mexican food more than sex.

When I asked her if she wanted some dick for dinner, all she said was “nachos.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfrj71/turns_out_my_wife_likes_mexican_food_more_than_sex/
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What happens when a Buddhist cowboy dies?

Reintarnation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfripl/what_happens_when_a_buddhist_cowboy_dies/
%
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. (Long but worth the read)

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfrio2/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfrg9a/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk yells at the man, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!"
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfrfme/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/
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Magician: and now for my final trick! I will disappear!

Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says:
you're the worst fruit ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfrear/magician_and_now_for_my_final_trick_i_will/
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Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change color?

He had a reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfrdde/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_that_couldnt/
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What was Hitlers favourite videogame?

Meinkampf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfqv5z/what_was_hitlers_favourite_videogame/
%
After a horrific accident, 2 children were raced to hospital by an air ambulance.

The air ambulance won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfqp9q/after_a_horrific_accident_2_children_were_raced/
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I picked up a hitchhiker yesterday

He said:
"Thanks! How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I said:
"The odds that there's another serial killer in the car are astronomically low"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfqlmt/i_picked_up_a_hitchhiker_yesterday/
%
My kind of guy

A new retirement home opened up in the community with separate floors for men and for women. After the first few weeks of being open all the residents were called into the recreation room so staff could explain the rules. It was emphasized that after hours there would be no men on the women's floor or women on the men's floor and anyone caught violating the rule would be fined $25 for the first offense, $50 for the second offense, and $100 for the third offense. A hand went up in the back of the room followed by the question: "How much for a season pass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfqf9i/my_kind_of_guy/
%
A young married couple moves into a new apartment and decides to repaper the dining room.

They call on a neighbor who has a dining room the same size and ask,“How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you papered your dining room?”
“Seven,” he says.
So the couple buys seven rolls of expensive paper, and they start papering. When they get to the end of the fourth roll, the dining room is finished. Annoyed, they go back to the neighbor and say, “We followed your advice, but we ended up with three extra rolls!”
“So,” he says, “that happened to you too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfqes8/a_young_married_couple_moves_into_a_new_apartment/
%
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

"Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That’ll do, I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn’t have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfqc4p/a_man_walks_into_a_hardware_store_and_speaks_to/
%
I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition.

Fuck knows where I came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfqb4m/i_entered_a_blindfolded_masturbation_competition/
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What did sushi A say to sushi B?

Wasabi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfq6dr/what_did_sushi_a_say_to_sushi_b/
%
I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.
-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.
-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."
-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.
-It is illegal to snooze on a train.
-According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag.
-When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers.
-Whistling underwater is prohibited.
Alderson County
-One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.
Nicholas County
-No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.
Huntington County
-Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse.
-It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfq3v8/i_thought_this_sub_was_the_appropriate_place_for/
%
A young Arab boy asks his dad....

A young Arab boy asks his dad "what are you wearing on your head?"
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects my entire body."
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."
Son asks "what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?"
Father :" It's called a burkha , it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face and body during a sandstorm" .
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son…”
"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfq2ld/a_young_arab_boy_asks_his_dad/
%
A blind friend of mine was telling me about a relationship he had with an asian girl...

He started dating a girl from China who was an outspoken communist.
They had been dating for 6 months, but then she started to become extremely obsessed with her political opinions, to the point where he wasn’t able to have any other meaningful conversations with her. In addition, he realized that she started becoming more controlling, manipulative, and more and more insensitive to his blindness.
Eventually it got to the point where he couldn’t take it anymore, so he left her.
I tried to comfort him the best that I could, but he was still pretty upset that he wasn’t able to see any of the red flags while they were dating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfq0p5/a_blind_friend_of_mine_was_telling_me_about_a/
%
Why are lizards the best hitmen?

They always kill in cold blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfpslp/why_are_lizards_the_best_hitmen/
%
A man died one day and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move."
"Oh," said the man as he pointed at one of them, "Whose clock is that?"
St. Peter replied, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"That's incredible, " said the man.
St. Peter pointed to another clock, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."
The man was impressed, and then asked, "Where's Donald Trump's clock?"
St. Peter said, "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfprjz/a_man_died_one_day_and_went_to_heaven_as_he_stood/
%
I went to see the doctor about my irrational fear of palindromes.

Bastard prescribed Xanax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfpqpz/i_went_to_see_the_doctor_about_my_irrational_fear/
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„I would rather have 100 nazis as costumers than one foreigner.“

-James, 52, mortician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfpqi8/i_would_rather_have_100_nazis_as_costumers_than/
%
My father gave me a box of condoms and told me

Don't make the same mistake I made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfpknl/my_father_gave_me_a_box_of_condoms_and_told_me/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfpk1u/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
What do you call an Italian hooker?

A pasta-tute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfpie1/what_do_you_call_an_italian_hooker/
%
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfphu3/job_interviewer_and_where_would_you_see_yourself/
%
What do you call a group of body doubles?

A doppelgang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfphc6/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_body_doubles/
%
What's the difference between your wife and your job?

In five years your job will still suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfpebc/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
%
Like my Grandad always said "Don't be too quick to find faults"

Great man, terrible geologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfp9mt/like_my_grandad_always_said_dont_be_too_quick_to/
%
A guy takes this girl to prom...

So a guys wants to ask a girl to prom, and so he goes to a craft store to get all the promeposal supplies he needs. He waits a super long line and checks out at the desk. He gets home and makes an adorable poster for the girl. He then goes to get tickets for them and waits in another very very long line for tickets, he finally gets to the front of the line buys the tickets and goes to pick up his tux at the shop. He waits in another line to get his tux and goes home to get ready.
He picks up the girl and they take the limo to prom and wait on an excruciatingly long line to get in the doors. They’re having a great night and dancing away when the girl sees some friends she wants to say hello to and ask the guy to go get them some punch. He kisses her on the forehead and walks off to go get punch. When he gets over to the punch bowl he grabs some glasses and he realizes... theirs no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfp3vh/a_guy_takes_this_girl_to_prom/
%
Little Johnny is sitting in class not paying attention as usual when the teacher calls on him

“Ok Johnny, if there are five birds sitting on the fence and the farmer shoots three how many are left?”
Johnny thinks about it and says “There will be zero left, because the gunshot would have scared them all away!”
“No Johnny there will be two left, but I like the way you think.”
Johnny, a little annoyed responds, “Ok let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting at the ice cream shop. One of them is biting their ice cream, the second is licking their ice cream, and the third is sucking their ice cream. Which one of them is married?”
The teacher a little perplexed thinks about it for while and finally responds, “I suppose the one licking their ice cream.”
“No ma’am, the one wearing the ring. But I like the way you think.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfp22w/little_johnny_is_sitting_in_class_not_paying/
%
Wife: I'm pregnant

Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm Dad.
Wife: No you're not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfov15/wife_im_pregnant/
%
What do a penis and a Rubik’s cube have in common?

The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfos8s/what_do_a_penis_and_a_rubiks_cube_have_in_common/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but how'd they get in there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfop22/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What did the brothel say when it shut down?

Beat it, we're closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfonh2/what_did_the_brothel_say_when_it_shut_down/
%
What is a cow emoji called?

An emooji.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfo4ns/what_is_a_cow_emoji_called/
%
What is the speed limit for luggage at the airport?

Terminal velocity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfo49t/what_is_the_speed_limit_for_luggage_at_the_airport/
%
I told my friend that he shouldn't be using a straw.

Friend: I know, I know it is bad for the environment.
Me: I mean, yeah that too.
But it is just a really weird way of eating spaghetti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfnzj7/i_told_my_friend_that_he_shouldnt_be_using_a_straw/
%
My Ex-Girlfriend is like a Box of Chocolates

When left alone with my dog, my dog would not survive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfnz2h/my_exgirlfriend_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
I asked a newly immigrated Asian lady for a phone number.

She replied "Sex free sex, free sex tonight"
Took me a minute to realize she meant "636-3629"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfnxhw/i_asked_a_newly_immigrated_asian_lady_for_a_phone/
%
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer

The Bartender says “that’ll be a dollar”
The guy thinks “man, that’s cheap” but the beer turned out to be delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” the bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle, opening it, aerating the wine, and pouring it into a nice glass before saying “That’ll be 50 cents.” The guy can’t believe it, so he thinks “fuck it” and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch.” The bartender hands it to him and says “here, on the house.” Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy so he asks “Ok, where’s the owner?” The bartender replies “upstairs with my wife.” The guy asks “what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies “the same thing I’m doing to his business”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfnthi/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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Why are Asian brides always so satisfied?

Because when ever you eat Chinese you're always hungry an hour later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfnrlm/why_are_asian_brides_always_so_satisfied/
%
A penis has a sad life.

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfnrch/a_penis_has_a_sad_life/
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A scientist invented a new machine that could detect lies

So he called three women to test it. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
First he asked the brunette to say something. She said,“i think i can eat 12 burgers with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “ okay, maybe 8”. The machine was quiet.
Next he asked the redhead to test it. She said,“ i think i can drink 15 bottles of beer with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “Okay, maybe 9”. The machine was quiet.
Now he asked the blonde woman to test the machine. The blonde woman approaches the machine and says , “i think.....
The machine beeped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfnq87/a_scientist_invented_a_new_machine_that_could/
%
I have a hemp welcome mat.

Some view it as a gateway rug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfnpyt/i_have_a_hemp_welcome_mat/
%
My first wife left me for being too mysterious.

Or did she??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfnpi8/my_first_wife_left_me_for_being_too_mysterious/
%
What a lousy year. First my grandma died,

And then for the first time in forty years I didn't get a valentine's card from my secret admirer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfngg5/what_a_lousy_year_first_my_grandma_died/
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Eating ass on a plane...

Now that's what I call Skyrim...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfnfo7/eating_ass_on_a_plane/
%
My grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfn9qy/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
The face of a child can say it all.

Especially the mouth part of the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfn8ih/the_face_of_a_child_can_say_it_all/
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I believe autocorrect was invented by history's most famous scientist.

Albeit Einstein would disagree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfn7pa/i_believe_autocorrect_was_invented_by_historys/
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Why does Donald Trump take Xanax ?

For hispanic attacks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfn6gv/why_does_donald_trump_take_xanax/
%
What's the difference between a Priest and an acne

Acne waits till a boy reaches his puberty before coming on his face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfn66w/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_an_acne/
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Next year will be the year we all look back and

see everything so clearly because hindsight is 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfn5zq/next_year_will_be_the_year_we_all_look_back_and/
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I think I might be a Kleptomaniac.....

Should I take something to control it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfn3va/i_think_i_might_be_a_kleptomaniac/
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Buzz Aldrin and Mike Collins were invited to the White House to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the moon landing...

Buzz got to enter the White House and meet with the president, but Mike had to spend the entire visit driving in circles around the White House.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfmzgx/buzz_aldrin_and_mike_collins_were_invited_to_the/
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Why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfmvg9/why_did_7_eat_9/
%
A woman sees a parrot for sale at a flea market.

She says to the guy selling it, "What a cute parrot. Does he talk?"
Before the guy could reply, the parrot squawks, "Of course I do, you slut!"
The woman is quite taken aback at this, so the guy immediately gets apologetic and says.
"If you want to buy him, wait here. I'll be right back."
The guy then grabs the parrot, rushes off to the kitchen area where there is water boiling on the stove, and dunks the parrot in the boiling water while hissing "You do not be rude to women!"
The parrot says, "Okay Boss, I got it and I'm sorry. I won't do it anymore. Get me out."
The guy then brings the parrot to the woman and says "Everything's fine now."
The woman then asks the parrot,
"What would you say if I came home with a man?"
Parrot: Good evening, my lady and good evening, sir.
Woman: And If I came home with two men?
Parrot: Good evening my lady, and good evening gentlemen.
Woman: And if I came home with three men?
Parrot (turning to the guy): Hey Boss, boil the water, she really IS a slut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfmv9d/a_woman_sees_a_parrot_for_sale_at_a_flea_market/
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A pea farmer had a very good harvest this year..

At the dinner, he was discussing with his family about the harvest and mentioned that he would sell the lot for a whopping $5000.
His daughter said "I can double that. And I don't even need to sell everything. I'll just sell one pea in a jar"
She went out next day and sold the pea in a jar for $10000.
When her father asked how, she simply stated "I'm a gamer and Gamer girl Pea is sold in the market for $10000."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfmo3x/a_pea_farmer_had_a_very_good_harvest_this_year/
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"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky"

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind” statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control.
Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant.
On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors’ bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfmnrv/good_luck_mr_gorsky/
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There’s only two kinds of people on Tinder.

Those who are right for you, and those who are left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfmj57/theres_only_two_kinds_of_people_on_tinder/
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I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper.

She said that newspapers are old school and that no one reads them anymore, and proceeded to hand me her iPad.
That fly didn't stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfmif0/i_asked_my_daughter_if_shed_seen_my_newspaper/
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a boy walks in on his parents fucking

he screams, and the parents freeze.
the parents, trying to cover up as much as they can, explain to the boy that they were wrestling, like on tv
he accepts and walks back into his room, glad that they were just wrestling
the next day, the boy is in the living room watching a wrestling match with his dad
a man in a striped shirt walks out and blows a whistle
"dad, whos that guy?" the boy asked
"oh, thats the referee, if theres something wrong happening, he stops it"
the boy nods his head and continues watching
later that night, his parents are fucking again, and the boy is intently watching
a few seconds later, the parents are scared shitless by the sound of a whistle
they then see the boy jump into their room
they stare at each other for a few seconds and then the boy yelled
"NOT HARD ENOUGH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfmf4u/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_parents_fucking/
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Can butt skin be donated for skin grafts?

Ass skin for a friend...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfmeav/can_butt_skin_be_donated_for_skin_grafts/
%
Why can't you play hide and seek with mountains

Because they are always peaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfmbus/why_cant_you_play_hide_and_seek_with_mountains/
%
Eric and Barb can't become a couple

That would be barberic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfmas8/eric_and_barb_cant_become_a_couple/
%
Why should you never date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfm9wu/why_should_you_never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
To whoever stole my antidepressants...

...I hope you're happy now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfm8gz/to_whoever_stole_my_antidepressants/
%
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”...

...Because every play has a cast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfm8dx/why_do_we_tell_actors_to_break_a_leg/
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What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?

A chew-chew train

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfm6hd/what_do_you_call_a_train_carrying_bubblegum/
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Three Men Desert Car Trouble

Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.
One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors.
The first man says to the last man: “I’m bringing the water because if I get thirsty, I can take a drink. And it makes sense to bring a sandwich in case we get hungry, but why bring a car door?”
The last man replies,  “If I get hot, I can just roll down the window.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfm3y2/three_men_desert_car_trouble/
%
I got a C on my roman numerals test.

Perfect score.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfm28c/i_got_a_c_on_my_roman_numerals_test/
%
A russian man and his wife are into BDSM

A russian man, Vladislav, and his wife, Anna, are very into BDSM and roleplay and have very kinky sex every night. One night, when they are both particularly into it, Anna decides that she can't take much more. Only issue is, Anna can't remember the safeword. She starts telling her husband to stop, but being into roleplay, he simply thinks it's a part of the act. She begs him and begs him until she eventually shouts,
"VLADISLAV! Baby don't hurt me.... don't hurt me......   no more"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfm22i/a_russian_man_and_his_wife_are_into_bdsm/
%
I watched a porno where they circumsized the man afterwards...

Apperently I rented the director's cut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cflybx/i_watched_a_porno_where_they_circumsized_the_man/
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My girlfriend doesn’t think I can break the masturbating world record

I think I could pull it off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfly9z/my_girlfriend_doesnt_think_i_can_break_the/
%
Little Billy's mom took him to the grocery store.

In the middle of the cereal aisle little Billy yelled out "Mom I have to PEE!"
All the other women smirked and looked judgementally at Billy's mom as her face turned red as a tomato. She pulled her son close.
"Listen little Billy, I never want you to say that again. Next time you need to use the toilet, just tell me you have to whisper." She said in a soft voice.
Billy agrees, and life goes on.
That weekend Little Billy and his grandpa take a rowboat out onto the lake and go fishing. Billy told his Grandpa:
"Grandpa, I need to whisper."
To which Grandpa replied:
"Okay Little Billy, come over here and whisper in my ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cflxrd/little_billys_mom_took_him_to_the_grocery_store/
%
What's the most buffed astronomical body out there?

A steroid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cflx5j/whats_the_most_buffed_astronomical_body_out_there/
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A Jewish man tells god a Holocaust joke

God says:  that's not funny
Jewish man:  I guess you had to have been there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cflwhf/a_jewish_man_tells_god_a_holocaust_joke/
%
Mexican Magician

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3...
"Uno... Dos..."
*Poof* He disappeared, without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfltej/mexican_magician/
%
Someone told me opium was made out of ground rooster beaks.

But that's poppycock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cflr2n/someone_told_me_opium_was_made_out_of_ground/
%
How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?

You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cflq96/how_do_you_get_donald_trump_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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What do Donald Trump and a razor have in common?

They both make bush look better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cflm46/what_do_donald_trump_and_a_razor_have_in_common/
%
What's invisible, and smells like bananas?

Monkey farts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cflkg6/whats_invisible_and_smells_like_bananas/
%
Dentists are going on strike

Brace yourselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cflh95/dentists_are_going_on_strike/
%
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cflg3x/why_did_the_monkey_fall_out_of_the_tree/
%
what do ducks eat?

quackers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfle88/what_do_ducks_eat/
%
Math pun

Most puns make me feel numb, but math puns make me feel number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfkvnl/math_pun/
%
I just got off a 12 hour flight after sitting next to a baby. I couldn’t believe it was possible for someone to cry for 12 hours straight.

Even the baby seemed impressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfkufk/i_just_got_off_a_12_hour_flight_after_sitting/
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Why did Scar shave Simba?

Heir removal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfkq7j/why_did_scar_shave_simba/
%
A garbage man wakes up from a coma.

The nurse says to him
"I’m afraid to tell you that you’ve been in a coma for almost 25 years. Both of your parents have passed away in that time and the rest of your friends and lovers have moved on, believing you would never recover. You no longer have a home or any possessions. The only reason you are still alive is because we are legally obligated to do so. Everything you once knew and loved is gone and you are truly alone in this future world that you now find yourself in. All I can offer you is my best wishes as you find your place on this unfamiliar and indifferent world.”
The garbage man says
“Has it wheelie bin that long?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfkn9m/a_garbage_man_wakes_up_from_a_coma/
%
What was Tigger doing in the toliet?

He was looking for Pooh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfkhtp/what_was_tigger_doing_in_the_toliet/
%
50% of Christians say they will go to hell and back for Donald Trump

They're half right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfkhje/50_of_christians_say_they_will_go_to_hell_and/
%
Son, we have something to tell you.

You were adopted.
What?! I want to meet my biological parents!
We are your biological parents, now pack up, the new ones are coming in an hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfkfof/son_we_have_something_to_tell_you/
%
Oxygen and Potassium went for a date

And it was perfectly OK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfkdt9/oxygen_and_potassium_went_for_a_date/
%
If you're using public transport never give up your seat

to an old lady...
That's how I lost my job as a bus drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfkciw/if_youre_using_public_transport_never_give_up/
%
The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve time travellers in here"

A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfkbws/the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
%
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box.

He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.
The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts.
Five minutes pass. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then clenches his fist and furiously knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin mate, there's no toilet paper in this one either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfk6yx/a_drunken_man_staggers_in_to_a_catholic_church/
%
I got funny looks when I gifted a fir tree as a housewarming gift.

I thought it would spruce the place up a bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfk3vh/i_got_funny_looks_when_i_gifted_a_fir_tree_as_a/
%
What sound does a 747 airplane make when it bounces?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfk0e9/what_sound_does_a_747_airplane_make_when_it/
%
Holding a gun in each tentacle, the octopus glared menacingly at the cat. The feline, however, chuckled and purred...

"You're one short, pal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfjq26/holding_a_gun_in_each_tentacle_the_octopus_glared/
%
No wonder Latin is a dead language

They kept summoning demons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfjpit/no_wonder_latin_is_a_dead_language/
%
A man sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chilli.

The waitress says, "Sorry but the guy next to you ordered the last bowl."
He looks over to the guy sitting next to him and sees that he has finished his meal, but the bowl of chilli is still full.
He asks the guy, "Are you going to eat that?"
To which the guy replies, "No, help yourself."
So he slides the bowl over and starts eating.
About halfway through he hits something. When he looks down he sees a dead mouse in the bowl and immediately pukes all the chilli back into the bowl.
The other guy leans over and says, "Yeah. That's about as far as I got, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfjnju/a_man_sits_down_in_a_restaurant_and_orders_a_bowl/
%
A guy was standing in front of a bathroom door in deep thought.

His friend asked him "why are you waiting outside? what are you thinking about?"
He said "I'm having a bad day. Today morning when I tried to open my bedroom door it broke. Then I tried to have a cup of coffee and the coffee handle broke. And as I was leaving for work and grabbed my briefcase the briefcase handle broke. Now I'm worried to go in there. Do you mind giving me a hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfjks6/a_guy_was_standing_in_front_of_a_bathroom_door_in/
%
Why is Michael Phelps better than Hitler?

Becasue Phelps can actually finish off a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfjkgu/why_is_michael_phelps_better_than_hitler/
%
A girl at my work is going to be having a baby.

I haven't decided which one yet though.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfjjyn/a_girl_at_my_work_is_going_to_be_having_a_baby/
%
What was the duck doing at the trap house?

Smoking quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfjhld/what_was_the_duck_doing_at_the_trap_house/
%
I work at a barber shop and i recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut,

Everyone look suprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfjgr0/i_work_at_a_barber_shop_and_i_recently_started/
%
A Man walks in to a bar with a Crocodile under his arm.

The barman immediately says ‘you can’t bring that in here, it’s a dangerous animal’
The man replies ‘I can assure you he’s very tame and also has a bit of a party trick. He gives a brilliant blowjob’
‘I don’t believe that’ says the barman
The man puts the crocodile onto the bar, opens its mouth, rests his penis on the crocodiles bottom jaw and smacks it on the head. Sure enough, the crocodile gently nibbles down the mans penis giving him great pleasure’
Everyone in the pub including the bar man are amazed. The man picks the crocodile back up and asks if anyone else would like a go.
‘I will’ shouts an old lady in the corner of the room ‘Just don’t hit me on the head as hard’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfjfna/a_man_walks_in_to_a_bar_with_a_crocodile_under/
%
A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor

and said, “Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby.”
The doctor said, “Let me tell you a story.  A man went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly charged at the man, he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it.”
The man said, “Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear.”
The doctor said, “My point exactly!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfjemu/a_ninetyyearold_man_went_to_the_doctor/
%
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?

"you, you and you, get out,"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfjdva/what_does_chuck_norris_say_when_fishing/
%
There was a competition at Sydney's center point tower.

Whoever could drop their watch from the tower, get to the bottom and then catch the watch will win $100000. A man from Western Australia tried his luck by dropping his watch and running down the stairs (if there are stairs). He picked up his broken watch and left. A man from Queensland dropped his watch from the tower took the elevator to the bottom and searched for a watch repair shop. Finally, a man from Victoria dropped his watch, explored all the levels of the tower left the tower, went shopping for a bit, bought a bunch of souvenirs and then as he was walking back to the tower he caught his watch and went up to the top. As the staff were preparing the cheque one of the puzzled employees asked "how the bloody hell did you catch the watch". The man then said "my watch is 3 hours slow".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfj5f6/there_was_a_competition_at_sydneys_center_point/
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Son: Dad am I adopted?

Dad: Of course not son. You think I’d choose you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfj0og/son_dad_am_i_adopted/
%
Ya know what really gets me down?

Stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfiq45/ya_know_what_really_gets_me_down/
%
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night

when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfioes/president_donald_trump_and_his_driver_were/
%
The snowstorm

This couple was watching the news and the weather report said there was going to be a snowstorm so if everyone can park their cars on the left side of road so the snowplow can come through the next morning so the wife did just that.
Then the next week the couple was watching the news during breakfast and the weatherman says “there is going to be a snowstorm so please par-“ and then the power goes out so the wife says “Oh no! What are we going to do, where are we going to park our cars, what street“ and the husband says to his blonde wife in the nicest way possible “ let’s just leave it in the garage”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfil43/the_snowstorm/
%
I went for a vasectomy the other day because I don't want to have any children

I don't think it worked though, because when I got home they were still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfikig/i_went_for_a_vasectomy_the_other_day_because_i/
%
A king was visiting the training grounds with his swordmaster

.
There was a crowd watching two fencers trade blows.
The first fencer performed an attack and the crowd gasped.
The king, who isn't into the sport, asked his swordmaster about the move.
"That's what you'd call a lunge your Majesty."
The king nodded and continued watching.
The second fencer performed an attack and the crowd gave a standing ovation.
The king asked his swordmaster once more.
"That's a flèche your Majesty."
The king nodded.
The first fencer did another attack. This time, the crowd booed, jeered and abused him viciously.
The king, puzzled, asked his swordmaster about the crowd's reaction.
"Well, your Majesty. It's a riposte."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfikdl/a_king_was_visiting_the_training_grounds_with_his/
%
A relationship with no trust is like having a phone with no service

You just play games.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfik59/a_relationship_with_no_trust_is_like_having_a/
%
My new job asked if I’d like to sign up for the 401k.

I’m a little nervous though, I’ve never ran that far before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfi63w/my_new_job_asked_if_id_like_to_sign_up_for_the/
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An antivaxxer, a child murderer, and a bioterrorist walk into a bar.

*walks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfi21a/an_antivaxxer_a_child_murderer_and_a_bioterrorist/
%
Wanna hear a joke about itches?

Nevermind, scratch that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfhyl3/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_itches/
%
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?

An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfhx2j/what_do_you_call_a_maternal_turkish_robot_water/
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A guy gets thrown out of a bar.

He walks around the corner, enters the same bar from a side door, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Listen, Frank, you had too much to drink. That's why I threw you out. Sorry, I can't serve you!"
The man grumbles, gets up, goes outside, walks around the corner, comes in the side door, and sits down again. The bartender repeats, "how many times do I have to tell you I can't serve you?"
This happens again. This time the drunk comes in the back door, sits down, and calls for a beer.
Exasperated, the bartender is ready to throw him out again when the drunk exclaims, "Wait, what? How many bars do you work at?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfhu4x/a_guy_gets_thrown_out_of_a_bar/
%
I've had water stuck in my ear for the past hour...

Its very earritating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfhso9/ive_had_water_stuck_in_my_ear_for_the_past_hour/
%
A beautiful lady goes to a medical shop

She just stands there waiting till all customers are gone
The shopkeeper asks: " Hey there. Is there some kind of problem? "
The lady whispered " Actually my bf gave me a love letter today "
" Wow that's good "
*Gives the letter to shopkeeper*
" He is a doctor and I can't read even a fucking word "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfhn65/a_beautiful_lady_goes_to_a_medical_shop/
%
Trump hates the word impeach because he has said many times before

Imorange

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfhknm/trump_hates_the_word_impeach_because_he_has_said/
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What did the cute duck say when asked what its favorite drug was?

Quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfhit5/what_did_the_cute_duck_say_when_asked_what_its/
%
Dogs should be able to vote.

The movement to accomplish this will be called ruffrage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfhh0t/dogs_should_be_able_to_vote/
%
A girl is being asked: when you fell in love for the first time?

The girl: at 16
And the second time?
At 16:25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfhg73/a_girl_is_being_asked_when_you_fell_in_love_for/
%
Hey, dictators! Moving the Earth further from the sun will keep you in power. Why?

Because it will take longer to make one full revolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfhfyu/hey_dictators_moving_the_earth_further_from_the/
%
Life is getting pretty dull, so I've decided to eat nothing but Swiss cheese

I just need more 'holy shit' in my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfheff/life_is_getting_pretty_dull_so_ive_decided_to_eat/
%
Do you know what they say about “Left-Handers?”

They’re not right...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfhda4/do_you_know_what_they_say_about_lefthanders/
%
"Having too much sex can cause memory loss"

I read that on page 37 in a medical journal on 29th of November 2006 at 4:19 PM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfhcrj/having_too_much_sex_can_cause_memory_loss/
%
Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.....🤠

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfhayg/lawyers_should_never_ask_a_texas_grandma_a/
%
I told the boys to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how boys are...

In one ear and out the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfh4gt/i_told_the_boys_to_stop_playing_russian_roulette/
%
There was a competition of submarines.

Three people joined, two of them were from the competition held the previous year. The two presented the same sub no difference but it was the same thing the judge had seen every single year.
The judge then left the two and went to the new competitor when he saw his it was the ugliest thing he ever saw but it was different to anything else then he looked even harder and his eyes grew and went " Finally something original in this sub"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfh1bi/there_was_a_competition_of_submarines/
%
What do you call a really buff paddle

A meteor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfgzje/what_do_you_call_a_really_buff_paddle/
%
Why did the Vietnam veteran cross the road?

''YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfgpoy/why_did_the_vietnam_veteran_cross_the_road/
%
A man walks into a bar

that he’s never been to before. The place is busting and seems to be doing well. There are people singing, dancing, and laughing but the first thing he notices is the extremely short person playing piano in the middle of the boisterous crowd. Everyone in the place is infatuated with the peculiar tiny musician.
He sits down at the counter and asks the bartender:
‘What’s the deal with the piano player? He must be a foot tall!’
The bartender doesn’t look up from the glassware he’s polishing. He’s answered this question many times:
‘That’s Larry. He’s the house musician.’
The man, not satisfied with that answer goes on to ask:
‘Where the fuck did he come from? He’s making you a killing!’
The bartender leans in close to the man, smiles, and whispers:
‘Well, I don’t tell this to everyone, but you seem like a trustworthy guy.’
The man leans in closer.
The bartender nods towards an old dusty beer tap at the end of the bar and explains:
‘See that tap at the end of the bar? It’s magic.’
The man leans even closer.
The bartender goes on:
‘Before you take a sip of a beer poured from that tap, think of a wish and watch the magic happen. 10 years ago, that’s how I ended up with Larry and the bar has been a massive success ever since.
The man looks at the piano player, then turns towards the bartender and looks him dead in the eye:
‘One beer please.’ He nods at the old dusty tap. ‘That one.’
The bartender pours his beer. The man thinks of his wish:
‘I want a million bucks!’
He then chugs the beer in one go and slams the glass down on the bar. When he looks up, he’s surrounded by ducks. A millions of them.
Frustrated, he says to the bartender:
‘Wtf! I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!’
The bartender responds apologetically:
‘Yeah it’s not perfect. You really think I would wish for a 12 inch pianist?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfgozu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfgcp6/why_wont_the_republicans_impeach_trump/
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A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting "the end of the world is nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfg9gd/a_bloke_on_a_tractor_has_just_driven_past_me/
%
I've said it before, and I'll say it again

I've said it before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfg1hr/ive_said_it_before_and_ill_say_it_again/
%
I was applying for Australian citizenship

The interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfg10a/i_was_applying_for_australian_citizenship/
%
What do a penis and a Rubik’s cube have in common?

The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfg0oc/what_do_a_penis_and_a_rubiks_cube_have_in_common/
%
During Math class teacher asks.....

Teacher : What is 4000 in Roman Numerals?
Me : Mmmm....
Teacher : Well done!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cffw96/during_math_class_teacher_asks/
%
Why do Christian Priests never have backup strategies when it comes to emergency scenarios?

Because they're not fans of Plan B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cffw8w/why_do_christian_priests_never_have_backup/
%
"You're a light bulb harry"

"I'm a watt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cffve9/youre_a_light_bulb_harry/
%
What is the difference between your job and your wife

After 10 years your job still sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cffruw/what_is_the_difference_between_your_job_and_your/
%
What do you call an obese psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cffpbb/what_do_you_call_an_obese_psychic/
%
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfflx8/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
%
An Indian guy and girl meet on Tinder

They get to his place and start making out. The guy is not able to get it up so she goes down on him. After sometime she feels him harden enough so she whispers, “Are you Ready?”
He exclaims, “Wow how did you figure out my caste from blowing me?”
P.S: Reddy is a caste in India,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cffi2x/an_indian_guy_and_girl_meet_on_tinder/
%
A womans work is never Done

And thats why they get paid less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cffedc/a_womans_work_is_never_done/
%
A woman walked into her kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

“Have you hit any yet” she asked
“Yeah, 3 male and 2 females”
Baffled she asked how he knew what they were
“Well 3 were in my beer and two were on the dishwasher”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cffcl8/a_woman_walked_into_her_kitchen_to_find_her/
%
*raises piece of bread*

“I’d like to make a toast...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cff7ip/raises_piece_of_bread/
%
What did the llama say to his wife before they went to the park?

Alpaca lunch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cff6fm/what_did_the_llama_say_to_his_wife_before_they/
%
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office

and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in pain even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cff66k/a_gorgeous_young_redhead_goes_into_the_doctors/
%
A cyclops asked his human wife

How do you spell Hawaii?
Wife : Well you need two i's
Cyclops : this isnt the time to fucking joke around linda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cff3nu/a_cyclops_asked_his_human_wife/
%
So i asked my wife the other day “did you fake it last night?”

She said “no, I was really asleep”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cff0o9/so_i_asked_my_wife_the_other_day_did_you_fake_it/
%
What do Chernobyl policeman and a box of chocolates have in common?

They’ll both kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cff04r/what_do_chernobyl_policeman_and_a_box_of/
%
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?

Lukewarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfezdc/how_does_the_skywalker_family_like_their_tea/
%
Everyone's saying I'm paranoid for starting these Morse code lessons

but I'm positive those woodpeckers are talking shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfeybs/everyones_saying_im_paranoid_for_starting_these/
%
What animal goes baa-woof!

A sheepdog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfewgc/what_animal_goes_baawoof/
%
I made a graph of all my past relationships...

It has an "ex" axis and a "why" axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cferol/i_made_a_graph_of_all_my_past_relationships/
%
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfepwl/did_you_know_that_you_can_get_a_slice_of_lemon/
%
A hippy cut me off in traffic

I gave him the half peace sign

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfemx9/a_hippy_cut_me_off_in_traffic/
%
I find America's shape very erotic.

That's why I came to this country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfek0w/i_find_americas_shape_very_erotic/
%
A man walks into a pizza shop and the guy behind the counter is the Dalai Lama...

...The guy, incredulous, says, “Your Holiness, you run a pizza shop?!”
The Dalai Lama replies, “Yes, I’ve always said that work is good for the spirit”.
The guy replies “I see,” then thinks for a moment and says, “Can you make me one with everything?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfeiqq/a_man_walks_into_a_pizza_shop_and_the_guy_behind/
%
There's not a single canary on the Canary Islands. Same with the Virgin Islands...

Not a single canary there either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfeh44/theres_not_a_single_canary_on_the_canary_islands/
%
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfeg0g/a_man_escapes_from_a_prison_where_hes_been_locked/
%
Julie Andrews has officially stated

That she will no longer endorse cheap lipstick, due to it crumbling easily and making her breath smell. She explained,
“ The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfefvh/julie_andrews_has_officially_stated/
%
Daughter’s vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfef0t/daughters_vibrator/
%
Doctor: we have to remove your colon

Me; why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfec3h/doctor_we_have_to_remove_your_colon/
%
Docto; it appears your DNA is backwards

Me: AND?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfebeg/docto_it_appears_your_dna_is_backwards/
%
Why won’t Trump be subject to impeachment?

Because Republicans in Congress insist that every baby be brought to full term!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfea9d/why_wont_trump_be_subject_to_impeachment/
%
Why is the nose in the middle of your face?

Because its the scenter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfe80h/why_is_the_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
%
A kid walks into a whore house holding a dead and squished frog.

He walks up to the front desk and sets his dead frog up on the counter top. The lady at the desk says, we don't allow kids here. The kid puts a wad of cash on the counter and the woman replies, "ok what do you want"?
The kid says, "I want to have sex with the nastiest girl here that has the most STD's I can get". "We don't have ladies like that here sorry buddy," says the woman. The kid then puts $100 bill on the table.
After a little discussion though, the woman tell him, "Ok kid, all the way down the hall last door on the left".  The kid comes out of the room after a while and as he's walking out the front door the woman stops him. "Hey kid, why in the world would you do that?"
The kid looks up at her and without skipping a beat says, "By me sleeping with a STD’d prostitute, I have the disease. I'm going to go home and fuck my babysitter, then she’ll have the disease. My parents will come home then my dad will take the babysitter home and he will fuck the babysitter, then she’ll have the disease.
My dad will come home like nothing happened and will fuck my mom, then she’ll have the disease. In the morning, when he goes to work, my mom will wait to for the mailman to arrive and will fuck him, then he’ll have the disease.
AND THAT’S THE SON OF A BITCH WHO KILLED MY FROG. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfe4qp/a_kid_walks_into_a_whore_house_holding_a_dead_and/
%
What did one succulent British plant say to the other?

'Aloe! Vera nice to meet you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfe405/what_did_one_succulent_british_plant_say_to_the/
%
A man walks into a bar.

The bartender goes, "moooooo!"
No wait, this is a barn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfe2yn/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The weatherman said that it could be dangerous being in the sun today

I don’t know how he thinks I’m going to get there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfe1pk/the_weatherman_said_that_it_could_be_dangerous/
%
Did you know you can actually eat lava?

Only once though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfe16l/did_you_know_you_can_actually_eat_lava/
%
My father always tells me to work hard,

But last time I did that I got fired from the daycare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfdylg/my_father_always_tells_me_to_work_hard/
%
“According to a new report, Netflix is losing subscribers and 130,000 people have stopped watching.

It all happened after one guy changed his password.”
.
- Credit: Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (a rare actually good joke by Fallon I heard while my mom was watching)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfdvek/according_to_a_new_report_netflix_is_losing/
%
I saw a news article about how a dwarf got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfdt0g/i_saw_a_news_article_about_how_a_dwarf_got/
%
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it weh us.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfdps1/a_yorkshireman_takes_his_cat_to_the_vet/
%
Two tourists were travelling around Europe and had gone to the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

They stopped for lunch and asked the lady behind the counter, "Could you please pronounce the name of this place for us, and do it very slowly?" "The lady behind the counter then said "Buuurrrgeeeeer Kiiiiiiiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfdov3/two_tourists_were_travelling_around_europe_and/
%
Me: My biggest weakness? Hmm..Let me think...I guess some people say I’m delusional.

Cab driver: I didn’t say anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfdn89/me_my_biggest_weakness_hmmlet_me_thinki_guess/
%
An English man, An Irish man, and a welsh man are hiding in a barn from a nazi officer

The English man tells the Irish man and the welsh man to hide in burlap sacks and they all hide in the sacks
The Nazi officer walks into the barn and kicks the first sack and the English man yells “Meow” and the nazi officer says “Must be a cat”
The officer walks to the second sack kicks it and the Welsh man yells “Woof Woof” and the nazi officer says “must be a dog”
The Nazi officer walks over to the third sack kicks it and the Irish man yells “Potatoes Potatoes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfdmyo/an_english_man_an_irish_man_and_a_welsh_man_are/
%
I hate those Russian dolls

They are so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfd8uf/i_hate_those_russian_dolls/
%
Where would the black eyed pea's live if they lived in New York?

Will.I.Am sburg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfd8jr/where_would_the_black_eyed_peas_live_if_they/
%
Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

Never mind it's a little too cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfd5tt/do_you_wanna_hear_a_pizza_joke/
%
Why can't a nose be 12 inches?

Because it would be a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfd3yx/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches/
%
What happens when you cross alcoholism and books of literary merit?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfd3l1/what_happens_when_you_cross_alcoholism_and_books/
%
Why do catholic priests love the show “Chernobyl” (HBO) so much?

Because there’s naked miners in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfd21x/why_do_catholic_priests_love_the_show_chernobyl/
%
To all the people out there suffering from paranoia, keep strong and just remember

you're not alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfcuul/to_all_the_people_out_there_suffering_from/
%
I was going to give you guys an Asian joke....

But I know some of you would never reddit go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfcisn/i_was_going_to_give_you_guys_an_asian_joke/
%
I got hit in the head with a Diet Pepsi yesterday.

Don't worry, it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfcg5b/i_got_hit_in_the_head_with_a_diet_pepsi_yesterday/
%
A Jew, a Muslim and a Trump supporter walk into a bar

Drink, talk, laugh and have a good time.
That’s what happens when you are not a moron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfcb11/a_jew_a_muslim_and_a_trump_supporter_walk_into_a/
%
My doctor suggested yoga to reduce stress.

I told her that sounded like a stretch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfc8rm/my_doctor_suggested_yoga_to_reduce_stress/
%
A man signs up to be a special effects supervisor in a studio.

A man, Dave, signs up to be a special fx supervisor in a film making studio. His job was to study different “boards” each containing different sound effects, and he was to pick out the most pleasing and configure them to his preferences.
The first day, Dave went to work and he was directed to a chair in front of an empty desk. The manager then said that he will call up people with FX boards and Dave could pick out the effects. The first group of men were called up. however something was odd. They were dressed up very formally, each carrying a board in their hands. The manager saw Dave’s puzzled face and explained to him that the men were ex-CIA agents trained in communication supervision, and, because of their hardened training, refuse to take off their suits.
Dave understands as they place the boards in front of him and leave. Dave studied the SFX. He pressed one button.
“Woof!”
A dog’s bark, Dave wasn’t entirely interested in the effect. He pressed another one.
“Boing!”
and another one.
“Clink!”
^(and another one)
“Boom!”
and he went on, until he finally got to an interesting one.
“Smooch!”
It was a kiss. Dave liked it so much, it amused him to the point where everyday he would call up the men to bring the kiss board over and laugh at it constantly. The manager was confused.
“Say, who is making these sounds?” asks Dave.
The manager replies, “Well, these are all pre-recorded, but the human ones are made by a man named Joe.”
Dave laughs again and continues to listen to the “smooch!” every day, until one day.
When Dave sat down, he ordered the usual kiss board, but, instead of the CIA agents coming in, he was met by a man in casual wear, khakis, t-shirt and such. Dave was puzzled, but he ignored it and pressed the Kiss button again.
However this time, it was different. The kiss sounded more forced and unnatural. Immediately Dave asked for the CIA agents to bring over another board. He pressed the button, and the new kiss was the same one, satisfying.
The manager applauded and said, “Congratulations, you’ve passed the test.”
“What test?”
“The concentration one. I asked another man to bring over a different board with a different pre-recorded kiss to see if you would notice. But how did you know they were different?”
Dave replies, “It’s simple. The real Joe kiss is in the comm men’s.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfc4oe/a_man_signs_up_to_be_a_special_effects_supervisor/
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I lent a girl an umbrella at the subway today.

.
.
That makes the number of women I’ve made wet this year, negative one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfc3fa/i_lent_a_girl_an_umbrella_at_the_subway_today/
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I offered my seat to an old blind lady

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfc13e/i_offered_my_seat_to_an_old_blind_lady/
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NSFW Whats good on pie, but bad on pussy?

The crust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfbxa3/nsfw_whats_good_on_pie_but_bad_on_pussy/
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An Atheist dies, sent to Hell and meets Satan

He found himself swimming in a pool of lava while Satan personally pokes his eye
*"Am I going to be tortured eternally in this place?" The Atheist asked.*
"No." Satan replied. "Only on Sundays. We party for the rest of the week."
*"Really? What do you do on Mondays?"*
"Do you like drugs?"
*"Hell yeah."*
"Well on Mondays, everyone gets to hit whatever they like. Cocaine, Heroin, Salts, Krokodils, Hemp and everything. Heck, you can take them all in one day and since you're dead, you won't die from overdose."
*"Awesome, what do you Tuesdays?*
"You like booze?"
*"Very much."*
"Well on Tuesdays, everyone gets to drink whatever they like. Vodka, Rum, Beer, Tequila, Beer and everything. Heck, you can take them all in one day and since you're dead, you won't get arrested."
*"I can't believe Hell is this awesome. From what I heard, it's full of dread, misery and torture but from hearing what you say, it's totally different. I think I'm going to enjoy eternity here."*
"I'm sure you will."
*"So, tell me what do you do for the rest of the week? What about Wednesdays?*
"Are you a homosexual?"
*"No."*
"You're not gonna like Wednesdays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfbvbv/an_atheist_dies_sent_to_hell_and_meets_satan/
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What’s the difference between a Pakistani Orphanage and a terrorist compound?

I don’t know, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfbqj8/whats_the_difference_between_a_pakistani/
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A beautiful blonde walks into a bar

sits on a stool and orders a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman and splashes all over her boobs.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and then licks the beer off her breasts.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender serves a beer and it hits her boobs, the man jumps up, starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'
"Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfbofy/a_beautiful_blonde_walks_into_a_bar/
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An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replies, "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then calls out to the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asks him for a bun and then eats it. He then asks for two more and eats those as well. The owner says, "Okay, my friend, where's the magic trick?"
The Irishman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket."
PS: Sorry if it's been posted before. Hope you like it :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfbkxe/an_irishman_and_an_englishman_walk_in_to_a_bakery/
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Marvel should put advertisement on the hulk.

He's basically just a giant banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfbhvu/marvel_should_put_advertisement_on_the_hulk/
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As one door closes

And incognito window opens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfbhfw/as_one_door_closes/
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Blonde woman takes a dildo back to the adult shop and asked for a refund, owner asks why? Blonde Replies.

It has knocked all my fucking teeth out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfbfjk/blonde_woman_takes_a_dildo_back_to_the_adult_shop/
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Me: I know a gay guy who sounds like an owl

Friend: who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfbd46/me_i_know_a_gay_guy_who_sounds_like_an_owl/
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The Replacement

Text Conversation:
Boy:  I heard your boyfriend just passed away?
Girl: Yes,  his funeral will be on Saturday.
Boy: Oh, please accept my sympathies.
Girl: Thank you.  It's been hard on me lately, as you can tell.
Boy: You think I can become your boyfriend's replacement? (blush)
Girl: Hmm, I dunno. Let me ask the funeral home later today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfbcd9/the_replacement/
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I named my horse Mayo

Because Mayo neighs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfbbqj/i_named_my_horse_mayo/
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A boy was taking his dad's horse to mate with the neighbour's horse

Upon arriving, the neighbour sees the boy coming along and asks the boy what's he doing.
"I brought the horse to mate with yours."
"Well, and couldnt it be your dad to do it?"
"No, sir. I believe it has to be the horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfbb0l/a_boy_was_taking_his_dads_horse_to_mate_with_the/
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I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night

She spat it back in my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfb9sf/i_gave_my_girlfriend_an_orgasm_last_night/
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Bought my wife a Dildo and a pair of slippers for her birthday.

If she don't like the slippers.
She can go and fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfb9ml/bought_my_wife_a_dildo_and_a_pair_of_slippers_for/
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Therapist: So you're saying you finally broke up with your girlfriend who had a scat fetish?

Yes doctor, and I have to say I'm just glad to get all that shit off my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfb98c/therapist_so_youre_saying_you_finally_broke_up/
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I'm surprised at how Trump treats queer and transgender people.

After all, Trump himself is a pussy, a dick, and even an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfb0xh/im_surprised_at_how_trump_treats_queer_and/
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The Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
*Moral of the story:*
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
**Lesson 2:**
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
*Moral of the story:*
Always let your boss have the first say
**Lesson 3:**
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
*Moral of the story:*
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
**Lesson 4**
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
*Moral of the story:*
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up
**Lesson 5:**
Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
*Moral of the story:*
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
**Lesson 6**
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
*Moral of the story:*
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfavcn/the_six_lessons_of_life/
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I like my women like my wine!

I like my women like my wine, 12 years old and in a basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfan5i/i_like_my_women_like_my_wine/
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Me: I'm here for medication to help with my fear of the spice girls

Doctor: we have 3 types so tell me what you want
Me[screams]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfaj0m/me_im_here_for_medication_to_help_with_my_fear_of/
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What state do prostitutes fight over?

Idaho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfai3q/what_state_do_prostitutes_fight_over/
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I got in trouble at work for stealing a mixing implement

But that was a whisk I was willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfacwt/i_got_in_trouble_at_work_for_stealing_a_mixing/
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What does the sign of an out of business brothel say?

Beat it, we're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfaanq/what_does_the_sign_of_an_out_of_business_brothel/
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I hated the amputation ward.

Let's just say I'm never stepping foot in there again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfa8vu/i_hated_the_amputation_ward/
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I listened to a song about the common cold...

It's very catchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfa73v/i_listened_to_a_song_about_the_common_cold/
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An American, a Japanese and a Filipino walked into a Church

The trio sat next to each other on the pew among the crowded must attendees.
The American said, "Ahhhh, My grandfather fought during the war. When he retired, he was feared among the village. Whenever, he wants to be alone in the Church, he only yells "I have a gun" and everyone leaves.
The Japanese replied, "My grandfather also fought during the war. When he retired, he was feared among the village. Whenever, he wants to be alone in the Church, he only yells "I have a knife" and everyone leaves.
The Filipino only answered in silence. The two looked bewildered and laughed, "Guess your grandfather ain't as tough as ours, huh?"
"Not quite." The Filipino responded. "He too fought during the war. When he retired, he was feared among the village. Whenever, he wants to be alone in the Church, he just farts.
"Then? Do the villagers leave the Church?"
"Yes. Along with the big guy hanging from the giant cross in the altar screaming, 'Somebody cut me down and get me the fuck outta here!' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfa6l1/an_american_a_japanese_and_a_filipino_walked_into/
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How much room is needed for a fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfa64s/how_much_room_is_needed_for_a_fungi_to_grow/
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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfa46a/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
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Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cfa0qs/everyone_who_is_concerned_about_facial/
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How do I get from Iraq to Pakistan?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf9xqa/how_do_i_get_from_iraq_to_pakistan/
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What does Subway and Reddit have in common?

When you go to Subway, none of their subs have anything original in them either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf9xk7/what_does_subway_and_reddit_have_in_common/
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says...

...''How do you drive this thing?''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf9s4u/theres_two_fish_in_a_tank_and_one_says/
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A recent study says sex burns 3.6 calories a minute...

So that’s why I’m fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf9o7e/a_recent_study_says_sex_burns_36_calories_a_minute/
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After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all my missed homework assignments on my elbow cast.

It really classed up the joint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf9mnx/after_i_broke_my_arm_my_buddy_wrote_down_all_my/
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Most women are bi

It’s your job to figure out if it’s polar or sexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf9ifv/most_women_are_bi/
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While in the military I experienced both mustard gas and pepper spray...

I am a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf99rn/while_in_the_military_i_experienced_both_mustard/
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What do you call a psychic that enjoys exercising moderation?

A happy medium.
(Came up with this in the shower this morning and chuckled.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf8thd/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_that_enjoys_exercising/
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How my grandfather passed his immigration exam

My grandfather arrived in the U.S from Cuba in 1969 and he loved telling us about how proud he was to become a U.S. citizen and how he was able to pass the immigration test despite knowing very little English.
Story goes: He sits down with the immigration official who was having a very busy day and he said, "O.K., we're going to make this short. If you can use the words "Green, Pink, and Yellow" in a single sentence, you pass the test.
My grandfather thought about it for a while and replied, "Ah jes.... The phone go Greeeeen, I Pink it up, I say YELLOW!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf8r4l/how_my_grandfather_passed_his_immigration_exam/
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My ex-wife still misses me....

But her aim is steadily improving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf8poz/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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I gotta say I'm impressed with shoplifters

Those are heavy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf8igv/i_gotta_say_im_impressed_with_shoplifters/
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Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf8dfn/thanos_finger_snap_would_have_a_greater_impact_if/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf8c5i/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
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Why did the cello teacher get arrested?

For fingering A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf8b6l/why_did_the_cello_teacher_get_arrested/
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A girl on Tinder asked me why my cigarette isn’t lit in my picture...

I told her i’m just looking for matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf88hm/a_girl_on_tinder_asked_me_why_my_cigarette_isnt/
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I had to quit my job at the Human Centipede laboratory.

I was having trouble making ends meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf85el/i_had_to_quit_my_job_at_the_human_centipede/
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A sticky encounter

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: "Can I see your dad?" Johnny: "No, he's in the shower." Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?" Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too." Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?" Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf81pe/a_sticky_encounter/
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I don't like spending too much time with my Girlfriend's family

... her husband's getting suspicious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf8043/i_dont_like_spending_too_much_time_with_my/
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What’s the slogan for the mediocre McDonald’s that werewolves eat at?

I’m lycan it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7z2h/whats_the_slogan_for_the_mediocre_mcdonalds_that/
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A drunk walks into a library...

A drunk guy stumbles into a library and makes his way to the reference desk. He steadies himself and tells the librarian “HEY I WANT A CHEESEBURGER, SOME FRIES AND A COKE!”
The librarian looks at him in disgust and says “Sir, this is a library”
The drunk replies “Oh I’m sorry” and whispers quietly “I’ll have a cheeseburger, some fries and a coke”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7ym5/a_drunk_walks_into_a_library/
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If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.
PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7ybg/if_peter_parkers_webs_are_made_out_of_spider_silk/
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How to deliver a joke.

I don't know.
You should ask my mother or the doctors who were there during my birth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7yb3/how_to_deliver_a_joke/
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What do you call a person with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7wbt/what_do_you_call_a_person_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
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What do you do when a blonde girl throws a grenade at you?

You remove the pin and throw it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7rs7/what_do_you_do_when_a_blonde_girl_throws_a/
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The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about
my Mom.She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
Pin drop silence in the class !
''Good Heavens,' said
the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ?
"Stay away from Mommy when
she's drunk......!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7qtw/the_teacher_asked_her_young_students_to_get_their/
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Blondes vs Brunettes

There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish ice fishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win because they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.
A hole! You need to make a hole in the ice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7ngl/blondes_vs_brunettes/
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The waiter asked for a tip, which I thought was...

...gratuitous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7kyg/the_waiter_asked_for_a_tip_which_i_thought_was/
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What's 3 inches and can satisfy a woman?

Your credit card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7kmw/whats_3_inches_and_can_satisfy_a_woman/
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Why is it hard to solve a crime in Alabama?

Because everyone has the same DNA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7kdd/why_is_it_hard_to_solve_a_crime_in_alabama/
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A priest is walking down the street one day

when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7j5i/a_priest_is_walking_down_the_street_one_day/
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A kid asked his mom, "What is dark humor?"

She responds, "See that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap."
The kid replies, "But mom, I'm blind!"
Mom, "Exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7fxg/a_kid_asked_his_mom_what_is_dark_humor/
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Just threw a rock 5280 feet.

That’s a real milestone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7ehk/just_threw_a_rock_5280_feet/
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Two five-year-old boys were standing in the boy's room, taking a leak.

One boy looks at the other  and say, "you know, my Dad has two of those."
The other boy asks,  "what do you mean, 'two'?".  The first boy responds, "My Dad has a  little short one that he uses to go pee, and he also has a great, big,  long one that he uses to brush Mommy's teeth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf7bhy/two_fiveyearold_boys_were_standing_in_the_boys/
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Today I argued with my pregnant wife and she said "I have two brains and you have one"

Too bad one's not fully developed
and the other is our child's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf6vc4/today_i_argued_with_my_pregnant_wife_and_she_said/
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Three friends find themselves in Heaven.

Three friends were driving to dinner together when they get into an accident and find themselves at the foot of the Pearly Gates.  Peter is naturally waiting for them as they arrive.
Once the men had collected themselves from the circumstance, Peter begins to speak, “Welcome to Heaven.  Before you pass through, I must ask one question.  You will be provided transportation fitting your answer.  Step forward, Luke.”
Luke approaches confidently, for he had done nothing wrong in his life.  Peter asks, “Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?”  Without a pause, Luke responds, “No, never.  I love my wife with all my heart.”  And like that, a Ferrari appears for Luke to drive for the rest of his days.
John is next, and the question is the same.  He tries to answer the same as Luke, but only the truth is spoken, “I have not cheated, but I have had bad thoughts from time to time.”  John breathes a sigh of relief when a Corvette appears, and off he goes.
Jacob is last, and he is trembling knowing what is coming.  Ashamed, he answers that he had cheated three times, but regrets his actions.  To his great surprise he drives off in a Ford Mustang.
A few weeks pass, and John notices Luke on the side of the road balling his eyes out on the hood of his Ferrari and stops to help his friend.  “I saw my wife just now,” Luke explains.  John responds, “I understand.  Seeing her after all these years... You must be overcome with joy.”
.
.
.
“It’s not that... She was riding a skateboard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf6ocw/three_friends_find_themselves_in_heaven/
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Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies." Betty Goat responds, "Hell no. No baby goats for me..."

"I'm not kidding."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf6nk8/two_goats_are_married_living_on_a_farm_billy_goat/
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I remember paying $20 once to see Prince

.. but I partied like it was $19.99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf6n42/i_remember_paying_20_once_to_see_prince/
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My wife threw used coffee residue at me.

My lawyer says I have grounds for divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf6myp/my_wife_threw_used_coffee_residue_at_me/
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A man goes into a bar...

A bar goes into a man...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf6lx4/a_man_goes_into_a_bar/
%
What's a Demogorgon's favorite meal?

A BARB-eque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf6kgy/whats_a_demogorgons_favorite_meal/
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What do you get when you cross Captain America and The Hulk

The Star Spangled Banner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf6il3/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_captain_america/
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Like my Grandad always said "As one door closes, another one opens"

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf6ha9/like_my_grandad_always_said_as_one_door_closes/
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If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf6h70/if_america_is_storming_area_51_then_the_europeans/
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Me: I just got the results of my genetic testing, and I'm shocked.

Dad: Hi shocked, I'm dad.
Me: No, you're not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf6clq/me_i_just_got_the_results_of_my_genetic_testing/
%
When I showed my wife the new dildo she told me it was way too big,

but I think I can handle it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf69b2/when_i_showed_my_wife_the_new_dildo_she_told_me/
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Three friends are shipwrecked on a desert island

After days of despair, one of them stumbles across a lamp and shows it to the others. They rub it and sure enough a genie appears.
**"I AM THE GENIE OF THE LAMP, AND I WILL GRANT YOU EACH ONE WISH"**
The first friend immediately declares "I wish I was at home with my family!"
**"IT IS DONE!"** \- and with a puff of smoke the friend vanishes.
The others cannot believe their eyes, but without any hesitation the second friend shouts "I wish I was a millionaire living in a mansion!"
**"SO BE IT!"** \- and the second friend disappears amidst another cloud of smoke.
The third friend is still slightly in shock, but after a few moments manages to regain their composure.
**"COME, WHAT IS IT YOU DESIRE?"** the genie impatiently asks.
"Well.....I'm kinda lonely now. I really wish my friends were still with me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf634q/three_friends_are_shipwrecked_on_a_desert_island/
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The doctor looked at me with a concerned look on his face and rasped, "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards."

I screamed, "AND!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf623w/the_doctor_looked_at_me_with_a_concerned_look_on/
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Marriage is a give and take relationship.

I give her money and I take out the trash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5vul/marriage_is_a_give_and_take_relationship/
%
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger...

And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5vcl/i_wondered_why_the_baseball_kept_getting_bigger/
%
Success is like being pregnant

Everyone just say 'Congratulations' but nobody knows how many times you were fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5v61/success_is_like_being_pregnant/
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What is a golfball?? (LONG)

A little boy and a little girl were out on the playground at recess playing catch.  She threw the ball and he missed the ball, she then called him a “golfball”.  He asked her what a golfball was and she told him to go ask the Duty Teacher.
So the little boy runs up to the Duty Teacher and says “Me and a little girl were throwing a ball, she threw the ball, I missed the ball and she called me a ‘golfball’……what’s a ‘golfball’?”
The Duty Teacher gets angry and sends him to see the Teacher……
He walks up to the Teacher and says, “Today at recess me and a little girl were throwing a ball, she threw the ball, I missed the ball and she called me a ‘golfball’, I asked her what a ‘golfball’ was and she sent me to see the Duty Teacher and the Duty Teacher sent me to see you……. So, ma’am, what is a ‘golfball’?”
Well the Teacher is red in the face and sends him straight to the Principals Office.
The little boy walks in and the Principal is surprised to see him.  He looks across his desk at the little boy and says, “Son, you’ve never before been in trouble or in my office, what is going on?”
And the little boy says, ” Today at recess me and a little girl were throwing a ball, she threw the ball, I missed the ball and she called me a ‘golfball’, I asked her what a ‘golfball’ was and she sent me to see the Duty Teacher and the Duty Teacher sent me to see the Teacher and the Teacher got mad and sent me to your office…… So Mr. Principal, what is a ‘golfball’?”
The Principal immediately becomes furious and suspends the boy from school and tells him to call his Mother to come and get him.
So they’re on the car ride home and the Mother looks across the car at the little boy and asks, “What happened?  You’ve never done anything like this before…. What is going on?”
And as they’re pulling into the driveway the little boy says, “ Today at recess me and a little girl were throwing a ball, she threw the ball, I missed the ball and she called me a ‘golfball’, I asked her what a ‘golfball’ was and she sent me to see the Duty Teacher and the Duty Teacher sent me to see the Teacher and the Teacher got mad and sent me to the Principals Office and the Principal suspended me and told me to call you to come and get me……So, Mom…… what….. is a ‘golfball’?”
The little boy’s Mother shrieks like a banshee and send him to his room with no supper…..and just wait until your Father gets home!!
So the little boy is laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling, belly rumbling, when he hears the front door open and shut.  Hushed words.  Footsteps down the hall.  And a knock on his bedroom door……
The little boy sits up as his Father walks into the room, sits down next to him on the bed and says, “Boy, what is going on?  Your Mother is beside herself and can barely form the words to tell me what happened today…….”
And the little boy says, “ Today at recess me and a little girl were throwing a ball, she threw the ball, I missed the ball and she called me a ‘golfball’, I asked her what a ‘golfball’ was and she sent me to see the Duty Teacher and the Duty Teacher sent me to see the Teacher and the Teacher got mad and sent me to the Principals Office and the Principal suspended me and told me to call Mom to come and get me, Mom sent me to bed with no supper and told me to wait until you get home…….so, Dad…. What……is…..a ‘golfball’?”
Leather clears belt loops and the little boy takes a spanking………………and Dad leaves the room………
The little boy is lying in bed crying and confused….and decides that he’s gonna run away.  So he gets his backpack and loads it with his pilfered snacks, his favorite toys and an extra pair of pajamas then slips out his bedroom window into the night.
Walking down the sidewalk later than night the little boy is stopped by a police officer.  The cop looks down and the boy and says, “Kiddo, it is waaaay too late for you to be out roaming the streets… why aren’t you at home?”
And the little boy says……. “ Today at recess me and a little girl were throwing a ball, she threw the ball, I missed the ball and she called me a ‘golfball’, I asked her what a ‘golfball’ was and she sent me to see the Duty Teacher and the Duty Teacher sent me to see the Teacher and the Teacher got mad and sent me to the Principals Office and the Principal suspended me and told me to call Mom to come and get me, Mom sent me to bed with no supper and told me to wait until Dad got home.  Well Dad got home and beat my butt so I ran away….. so Mr. Officer Sir…. What…..Is……A……’golfball”?”
The little boy is thrown in handcuffs and tossed in the back seat of the cruiser, hauled off to jail to see the judge in the morning….
In the morning, the little boy is standing behind a table facing a judge in a long black robe.
The Judge looks down at the little boy and asks, “Son, you are far too young to be standing in front of me in my courtroom….. what have you done?”
And the little boy says, “ Today at recess me and a little girl were throwing a ball, she threw the ball, I missed the ball and she called me a ‘golfball’, I asked her what a ‘golfball’ was and she sent me to see the Duty Teacher and the Duty Teacher sent me to see the Teacher and the Teacher got mad and sent me to the Principals Office and the Principal suspended me and told me to call Mom to come and get me, Mom sent me to bed with no supper and told me to wait until Dad got home, well Dad got home and beat my butt so I ran away and got stopped by an Officer who arrested me and threw me in jail.  So Your Honor…….what…..is…….a…….”golfball’?”
“THAT’S IT!!  LIFE IN PRISON…… NO PAROLE!!!”
So the little boy is sitting on his bunk in a prison cell, staring across at the biggest, meanest looking man he’s ever seen in his life.  When his celly says ,”Kid, you’re way too young to be in prison….what’d you do, kill someone?”
And the little boy says, “ Today at recess me and a little girl were throwing a ball, she threw the ball, I missed the ball and she called me a ‘golfball’, I asked her what a ‘golfball’ was and she sent me to see the Duty Teacher and the Duty Teacher sent me to see the Teacher and the Teacher got mad and sent me to the Principals Office and the Principal suspended me and told me to call Mom to come and get me, Mom sent me to bed with no supper and told me to wait until Dad got home, well Dad got home and beat my butt so I ran away and got stopped by an Officer who arrested me and threw me in jail.  The next morning I saw the Judge and he sentenced me to Life in prison, with no parole.  So, Mr. Knuckles…….what is a ‘golfball’?”
The big convict comes across that cell in a split second, the little boy scurrying into the corner.  He says, “Boy, I can’t tell you what I “golfball’ is.”  He then points through the cell window, “But do you see that man out there?  All the way across the yard…. Past that first fence…..past all that dirt…..past all them other fences with the razor wire…..That man just standin’ there on the other side of that street in the trenchcoat.”
The little boy just stares and nods his head.  The celly looks down at him and says, “That man way over there, on the other side of all those fences…. That man can tell you.”
So the little boy makes a plan….and he takes his prison issue plastic spork and he starts digging…and he digs….and digs…..and digs….and digs…..and digs.
And finally he pops out on the other side of all those fences and all that razorwire…. And he sees the man in the coat just on the other side of the street.
And the little boy takes of sprinting toward the man….
Just then \***BAM**\*
The little boy is hit by a car…………
What’s the moral of the story??
Always look both ways before you cross the street.
(I'm sorry!)  :-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5tgt/what_is_a_golfball_long/
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Doctor: We're going to need to remove your colon

Me: OK, whatever you have to do to make me better
*six hours later*
Doctor: we're really sorry, but the operation wasn't successful. We only manage to remove half of your colon
Me; oh no...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5s4j/doctor_were_going_to_need_to_remove_your_colon/
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I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite the other day

It was only when I got home I realised I'd picked 7-up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5r77/i_went_to_the_shop_to_buy_6_cans_of_sprite_the/
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An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium carrying a long pole on his shoulder. A curious fan that was standing at the gates approached him and asked:
"Are you a polevaulter?"
To which the athlete replied, surprised,
"No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5pmi/an_athlete_was_walking_into_the_olympic_stadium/
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My friend died of Heartburn this week

I can't believe Gaviscon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5odd/my_friend_died_of_heartburn_this_week/
%
Guy needed for joke to work: Name a country in Asia

Neckbeard: M’laysia
P.S
I’m sorry for posting this but it’s just the worst joke I’ve ever been able to think up on my own and I’m sort of proud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5ocs/guy_needed_for_joke_to_work_name_a_country_in_asia/
%
Why does the cow wear a bell?

Because the horn isn't working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5nz5/why_does_the_cow_wear_a_bell/
%
The earth is round.

Just like pancakes are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5gcb/the_earth_is_round/
%
What is Gordon Ramsay’s favourite wrestling show?

It’s fucking RAW!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5fxp/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favourite_wrestling_show/
%
'A foolish person'

Two friends chilling in the park during their lunch, one is doing a crossword puzzle in the paper.
Man 1: How do you spell buffoon?
Man 2: Do you want the British, or American spelling?
Man 1: British or American!? What are you on about?
Man 2: Well the British spelling is J, O, H, N, S, O, N. And the American spelling is T, R, U, M, P.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5fw0/a_foolish_person/
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Interesting misconception regarding Type O Blood

Initially, the medical community referred to it as 'Type Zero' blood, due to the lack of glycoproteins. The term was misinterpreted to what it is today. You could venture as far as saying it's a **typo.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5fks/interesting_misconception_regarding_type_o_blood/
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There was once a cheese factory. One day however, a fire broke out and the factory was desteoyed.

There was alot of De Brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf5f1s/there_was_once_a_cheese_factory_one_day_however_a/
%
How mathematicians laugh?

(HA)^3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf59k4/how_mathematicians_laugh/
%
Hey guys. I am so happy and proud of myself and i thought i should share with you!! Today i saw myself on TV

When I turned it off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf598m/hey_guys_i_am_so_happy_and_proud_of_myself_and_i/
%
A polish pilot is going in for a landing when he realizes the runway is not long enough. After putting on the emergency breaks he screeches to a halt, missing the airport with the nose of the plane by mere feet.

The enraged pilot told the reporters later on "This is an obvious design flaw in American airports, why the hell would they make the landing strips so short? Or so unbelievably wide!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf57uk/a_polish_pilot_is_going_in_for_a_landing_when_he/
%
With my wife, we have decided we don't want to have children.

The children don't appreciate this much though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf56r9/with_my_wife_we_have_decided_we_dont_want_to_have/
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My teacher said she would punish me if I didn't know Tehran is the capital of which country

So I ran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf568h/my_teacher_said_she_would_punish_me_if_i_didnt/
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Oldie but a goodie.

There are four people on a small plane heading north over Canada. The pilot,  Trump , the pope and a random backpacker.
Suddenly the engine starts emitting black smoke and dies.
As the plane slowly starts to fall the pilot rips open a compartment with three  parachutes, takes one and shouts something about “needing to fly more planes “ jumping out of the plane deploying his parachute on the way down
Trump does he same after giving a short lecture on how America’s best president had priorities -weird hand thing -  “far above the normal person “
After he jumps the pope turned to the backpacker and saying a quick prayer told the backpacker that he should take the parachute and jump. The pope said he was safe in gods hands and had lived a long and successful life.
The backpacker waited respectfully for the pope to finish and then said “That’s alright. The worlds greatest president just jumped out of a plane with my backpack! “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf50og/oldie_but_a_goodie/
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How do you get free tickets?

Drive over the speed limit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf4ym6/how_do_you_get_free_tickets/
%
A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.

The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.
The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."
The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf4w77/a_man_walks_up_to_a_criminal_underneath_a/
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Why are people like hardwood floors?

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf4vaw/why_are_people_like_hardwood_floors/
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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

its not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf4o5d/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
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Last time my wife asked me if she looked fat, ...

I sighed and said, "Honey, if I tell you the truth, do you promise not to be mad?" She rolled her eyes, but agreed. So I said, "I've been fucking your sister."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf4lcy/last_time_my_wife_asked_me_if_she_looked_fat/
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Taking my kraken out for a swim. Darn thing gets loose again.

Re-leash the kraken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf4kfl/taking_my_kraken_out_for_a_swim_darn_thing_gets/
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The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but accidentally I passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf4gtl/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
%
I don't trust stairs.

They're always up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf4g4w/i_dont_trust_stairs/
%
I‘ll never forget my Grandfathers last words...

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf4b21/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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A gynecologist gets fed up with his profession and decides to become an auto mechanic. He takes the mechanics association's exam, and scores 150 out of 100.

Baffled by this score, the director summons the exam proctor to his office. When asked how it could be possible, the proctor says: 'Well, I told him to change the oil, and he did. Then I told him to change the filters, and he did that too. Finally, I asked him to replace the plugs, which he also did. Quite brilliantly, I must add.' At this point, the director the asks, 'Why not 100, but 150?' To this, the proctor replies: 'Because he did all these through the exhaust pipe.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf47ki/a_gynecologist_gets_fed_up_with_his_profession/
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How did the blonde die drinking milk?

The cow sat down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf42k2/how_did_the_blonde_die_drinking_milk/
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A guy walks into a bar

and asks the barman to tell him a joke. The barman responds with a classic and makes him laugh. He asks two more times but the barman repeats the same joke again and again.
The man asks one last time but the barman responds with “Sorry but we have a strict 3 jokes a day policy.”
God damn it you just told me the same jokes three times !
Well if you wanted more original jokes you shouldn’t have come to this subreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf42a4/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two fish are in a tank....

One fish goes to the other "Ok, so how do we drive this thing?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf40ca/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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People need to cool with the FaceApp age filter...

It's getting old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf3xp7/people_need_to_cool_with_the_faceapp_age_filter/
%
I like my girlfriends like I like my games

Pay to win

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf3vt8/i_like_my_girlfriends_like_i_like_my_games/
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What do you call a snobby criminal walking down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf3sw4/what_do_you_call_a_snobby_criminal_walking_down_a/
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People need to cool it with the whole FACEAPP age filter.

It's getting old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf3j4u/people_need_to_cool_it_with_the_whole_faceapp_age/
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If there's one thing the moon landing did it made household names out of 3 incredible, brave men

Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and...the other guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf3ih7/if_theres_one_thing_the_moon_landing_did_it_made/
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What state loves a sport so much they named themselves after it?

It's tennis, see?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf3gmw/what_state_loves_a_sport_so_much_they_named/
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A wrestler meets with his coach

about his next match. His coach tells him he will be facing the greatest Russian wrestler and he's known for his move called "the pretzel" no one had ever escaped the pretzel before, once you we in it, there was no way out.
The next day it was time for the match, the wrestlers coach told him once more not to get caught in the pretzel or it will be a sure defeat. The wrestler agrees and steps up to begin the match.
The match commences and the wrestler is immediately placed in the pretzel. The coach, furious about the blatant disregard for his advice, begins to storm off. He then hears a loud scream and the great Russian wrestler is sent flying through the air to his defeat.
The coach in utter awe approaches his wrestler.
Coach: "how in the world did you defeat the pretzel?! No one else has accomplished such a thing"
Wrestler: "when I was in the pretzel I saw a big pair of hairy balls and my first instinct was to bite"
Coach: "oh, so you won by biting your opponents balls?"
Wrestler: "not exactly. You would be surprised how strong you can get when you've just bitten your own balls"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf3gh0/a_wrestler_meets_with_his_coach/
%
My son: What's a seven letter word for ending yourself?

Me:  Suicide.
My son:  No. Suicide's never the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf39lz/my_son_whats_a_seven_letter_word_for_ending/
%
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to give up, he saw a guy hanging from his balcony.
His face swells up in anger and he starts to beat the living shit out of his hand so he looses grip and falls down from the 5th floor. But the man is determined not to let go. Realising this the husband brings a hammer and literally crushes his finger till he loses grip and falls. But fortunately he falls in a bush and only breaks his leg. Seeing that the man is still alive, he throws his refrigerator from his balcony which crushes the man killing him. But on doing this the cord grips the husband and pulls him down killing him as well.
In heaven the day is extremely busy. God says he will only allow the most gruesome deaths to enter heaven.
The husband is interviewed.
" So my wife was having an affair...." he starts and narrates the whole story.
" But then the cord tangles my leg and pulls me with it."
"If this is not brutal, I don't know what is. You are in." says God.
The second man comes in.
He says," I recently shifted to the sixth floor of an apartment and didn't know they had an open balcony. When I was walking down the terrace,I slipped and feel from there. But fortunately I got hold of the railing of the fifth floor balcony and hung there for almost an hour, after which an angry man stormed in and started crushing my fingers. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, he broke my fingers with a hammer and I fell down into a bush. I broke my leg but was alive. And then when I would've least expected it, a REFRIGERATOR fell on top of me which caused my death."
"Poor fellow, you may rest in heaven for eternity" says God.
The third guy sweeps in after him and almost breathless starts to narrate his story.
"Picture this" he says " You are hiding in a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf37wc/a_husband_suspects_his_wife_is_having_an_affair/
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9/11 jokes are not funny.

But the other 2 are HILARIOUS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf307m/911_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2yzh/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_looking_at_a_bowl_of/
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I got into a fight with a math teacher the other day.

Frankly it all went smoothly.  We put aside our differences and to sum it all up; we got rid of the negatives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2wt5/i_got_into_a_fight_with_a_math_teacher_the_other/
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A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk.

“It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk.
“Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied.
“No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!”
The husband waits patiently while the wife gets out to talk to the vet.
“Is it bleeding?” The vet asked.
“No, but it’s shaking a lot.”
“That means it’s going into shock,” the vet concluded, “Cover him up and bring him in as soon as you can.”
“But sir it’s 80 degrees out I don’t have a jacket or anything to cover him with,” the wife explained.
“Ok, just put him between your legs to keep him stable for the ride over.” The vet replied calmly
“What about the smell?” The wife asked.
“The smell? Just cover his nose!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2s0n/a_man_and_his_wife_are_driving_down_the_road_when/
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Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2rev/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_who_died/
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What did the butt cheek say to the other butt cheek.

Together,we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2qot/what_did_the_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other_butt/
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If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's humerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2q9f/if_you_boil_a_funny_bone_it_becomes_a_laughing/
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How can you tell your girlfriend is getting chubby?

She fits in your wife's pants.
Credit goes to: An unknown schmeckle with far more game than me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2o5j/how_can_you_tell_your_girlfriend_is_getting_chubby/
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What’s invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2n0d/whats_invisible_and_smells_like_carrots/
%
“Now son, I don’t want you to envy Emily, but...”

Nvm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2m4z/now_son_i_dont_want_you_to_envy_emily_but/
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There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen, folks, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars." Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter.
The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still, there wasn't so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!" Walter replied, "Well, to be honest, I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2lee/there_was_a_man_named_walter_and_his_wife_ethel/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

Ones really heavy and ones a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2ka2/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Why are men smarter during sex?

Because during sex they are plugged in to a fucking know-it-all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2k2v/why_are_men_smarter_during_sex/
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I didn't think Neuralink was a good idea...

but Elon changed my mind!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2jfj/i_didnt_think_neuralink_was_a_good_idea/
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What's the difference between Harry Potter and Jews?

Harry made it out of the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2j2r/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_jews/
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Overweight convict escaped from prison last night,

still at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2gla/overweight_convict_escaped_from_prison_last_night/
%
I keep asking people what LGBTQ stands for

But I never get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2g1f/i_keep_asking_people_what_lgbtq_stands_for/
%
Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Little Timmy fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
Little Timmy started playing in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Little Timmy took a bath.
Wanna hear a cleaner joke?
Little Timmy took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear en even cleaner joke?
Little Timmy took a bath with bubbles while smelling a blossom.
Wanna hear the cleanest joke?
Little Timmy took a bath with bubbles while smelling a blossom, and eating a butter cup.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Little Timmy lives next to the Power Puff Girls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2fgx/wanna_hear_a_dirty_joke/
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A groom walks into a tattoo shop while on holiday in Jamaica.

To show his love, he had his bride's name tattooed on his penis. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. After finishing getting his tattoo, he notices a Jamaican man with the same letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.
"Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?". The man replies "No way, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica. We have great beaches, great ladies, and great sun! Have a nice day.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2cnk/a_groom_walks_into_a_tattoo_shop_while_on_holiday/
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What do you call it when a guy named Jerry sleeps with three senior citizens in a nursing home in one night?

A Jerry Hat Trick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf29cx/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_guy_named_jerry_sleeps/
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Have you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He'd stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf2952/have_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/
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Q: Why do we write a question mark at the end of a question?

A: So we don't have to write Q: at the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf28me/q_why_do_we_write_a_question_mark_at_the_end_of_a/
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Q: Why can't a leopard hide?

*A: Because he's always spotted!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf25ek/q_why_cant_a_leopard_hide/
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Two actors are practicing their lines for a show.

The first guy says: "How could you do this to me? I hate you!" The second says: "You're making me so angry I swear I'm going to PUNCH you!" The first says "That line sounds cheesy. It makes it seem like a children's show. Let's talk to the writers about it." So they go the the writers and explain their problems. The writers agree, so in the end, there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf230k/two_actors_are_practicing_their_lines_for_a_show/
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A local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years

I never knew he was a barber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf20hc/a_local_barber_was_arrested_for_selling_drugs_ive/
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I went to a zoo where there was only one animal and it was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf205b/i_went_to_a_zoo_where_there_was_only_one_animal/
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As an immigrant, I find the shape of America extremely arousing.

That's why I came to this country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf1ykq/as_an_immigrant_i_find_the_shape_of_america/
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I’d buy a house but I’m afraid I won’t be able to carry the payments.

Buy a lighthouse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf1wla/id_buy_a_house_but_im_afraid_i_wont_be_able_to/
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Three women at the Stairway to Heaven

Three women(brunette, redhead, blonde) all die, and find themselves at the foot of the Stairway to Heaven.
They are visited by an angel, who says, “For each step on the Stairway you take, you will hear a joke. If you do not laugh, you may continue; however, if you DO laugh, you must stop and spend the rest of your afterlife at that step.”
All three women nod in understanding, and proceed up the stairs.
The brunette makes it up 7 steps before laughing and stops.
The redhead climbs 13 steps before the jokes get too funny and she laughs.
The blonde woman, however, makes it up the entire Stairway before bursting out laughing.
St. Peter, the Keeper of the Gates to Heaven, approaches her. He says, “Congratulations on your journey, young one. But I must ask - what do you find so funny?”
The blonde woman, regaining her composure, responds, “I finally got the first joke!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf1vlj/three_women_at_the_stairway_to_heaven/
%
I just saw my high school teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was......

I was home schooled :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf1vc7/i_just_saw_my_high_school_teacher_the_other_day/
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An Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are captured by a native American tribe.

As the leader of the tribe looks at them, he says "You may wish for one thing. you can not wish to live and you can not wish to kill my tribe. After this, we will skin you and use your skin as canoes."
The Scotsman step forwards first and says " I am true to my nation. May I please have a scotch whisky?" He is handed the bottle and is taken away.
The Englishman then steps forward and says " I am also true to my nation. May I please have a gin and tonic?" He is handed the glass and is also taken away.
The Irishman thinks for a minute then proceeds to say "You aren't going to make use of me after death. Give me a fork!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf1ryl/an_scotsman_an_englishman_and_an_irishman_are/
%
Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?

Friend: I don't know how do you.
Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.
Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.
Me: Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf1naj/me_how_do_you_get_an_elephant_into_a_safeway_bag/
%
I heard a joke about a plane today, but didn't really get it

It must have gone over my head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf1j7y/i_heard_a_joke_about_a_plane_today_but_didnt/
%
I wish my grass was emo

Then maybe it would cut itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf1h9i/i_wish_my_grass_was_emo/
%
Great conversation between me and my boss....

Boss: “Why did you have sex with her?”
Me: “Because she was naked, what was I supposed to do?”
Boss: “AUTOPSY!”
I was fired last week....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf1fwj/great_conversation_between_me_and_my_boss/
%
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf1elb/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
%
A little boy says to his nursery school teacher...

..."I found a dead cat."
"How do you it was dead?" asked the teacher.
"I pissed in its ear and it didn't move"
"You did what???"
"You know, it didn't move when I leaned over and went 'Pssst' in it's ear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf1di1/a_little_boy_says_to_his_nursery_school_teacher/
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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf1cce/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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Somebody stole my brother's antidepressants yesterday

I hope they're happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf1aw6/somebody_stole_my_brothers_antidepressants/
%
What makes Switzerland a great country?

I’m not sure, but the flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf19ue/what_makes_switzerland_a_great_country/
%
Police: Sir, you are under arrest for trying to carry 6 people on a single motorcycle

Me: What do you mean 6 people?
Police: Yes, 6 people. Now please get off your vehicle.
Me: OH MY GOD!
Police: Sir?
Me: Jack fell off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf17to/police_sir_you_are_under_arrest_for_trying_to/
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I don’t understand this whole sex thing

Everyone else is playing Multiplayer but I’m still stuck on the Campaign

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf14p7/i_dont_understand_this_whole_sex_thing/
%
What do we want? Low flying airplanes! When do we want them?

Neeeeeeooooowwwww!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf13ck/what_do_we_want_low_flying_airplanes_when_do_we/
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MY MOM: Why have you always wanted to be a couples therapist?

ME: Twice the money as a normal therapist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf12e8/my_mom_why_have_you_always_wanted_to_be_a_couples/
%
Call me shallow, but a child left in the car in the summer with the windows up...

is so fucking hot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf0z3y/call_me_shallow_but_a_child_left_in_the_car_in/
%
The Russian President:

At a KHL game: Vladimir Rutin
At a gun range: Vladimir Shutin
Imitating an owl: Vladimir Hutin
With a wheat harvest: Vladimir Gultin
Looking Amphibious: Vladimir Newtin
Rioting and stealing shit: Vladimir Lutin
Bungling a ground ball: Vladimir Butin
Taking a selfie: Vladimir Feelin' Cutin
Passing gas: Vladimir Putin
I’ll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf0wdo/the_russian_president/
%
This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans...

I said "Who is this guy?"
My grandpa replied "My hip replacement!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf0otx/this_morning_my_grandpa_walked_into_my_room_with/
%
A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving.

I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf0mq2/a_cop_pulled_me_over_and_was_going_to_give_me_a/
%
It's ok to turn one good book into three bad movies every once in a while...

Just don't make a Hobbit of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf0mjs/its_ok_to_turn_one_good_book_into_three_bad/
%
What do you call an extraterrestrial dog?

A Dalmartian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf0m8p/what_do_you_call_an_extraterrestrial_dog/
%
Watch out for bars that serve specialty drinks!

I used to go to this one where they made something called the hurricaine, I got wasted, next day I go back, bartender says, should I set you up with the same?
I was like nooo, I was up all night blowing chunks!
Bartender says oh wow they made you sick huh?
And I said...No...Chunks is my dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf0cdz/watch_out_for_bars_that_serve_specialty_drinks/
%
Do you like the smell of moth balls?

You do? How do you get their little legs apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf0ayg/do_you_like_the_smell_of_moth_balls/
%
My old man sent me this gem! Had a good laugh

Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf0afj/my_old_man_sent_me_this_gem_had_a_good_laugh/
%
Past, present and future all walked into a bar at the same time.

Talk about tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf08vx/past_present_and_future_all_walked_into_a_bar_at/
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Why did the pirate go out of business?

He didn’t know how to raise his sales

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf07al/why_did_the_pirate_go_out_of_business/
%
Gotta love old school Little Johnny

Little Johnny: uncle Kev, can you tell me the difference between POTENTIALLY and REALISTICALLY??
Uncle Kevin: Thought for a second,  alright, go ask your auntie mavis if she would have sex with the mailman for a million bucks...
So he does and she says she would...
Then Uncle Kevin told him to go ask his cousin the same thing...
Of course she said she would as well...
Telling Uncle Kevin this he says: Ok so POTIENTALLY I'm sitting on 2 million bucks... But REALISTICALLY Im just living with a couple of whores!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf06wv/gotta_love_old_school_little_johnny/
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The secret to success in the corporate world

A young professional parks his battered old car outside his office one morning.  Stepping out, he sees the CEO sweeping into the car park in his brand new, sparkling, top of the range Mercedes S Class.
Starstruck, and knowing this company has an ethos of openness which means everyone is approachable, the young man decides to engage the CEO in conversation.
"That's a beautiful car you have there!  You are clearly highly successful, can you share your top tips for success with me?"
The CEO paused for a moment to gather his thoughts.
"Well, son, let me give you some good advice I've learned over the course of my career.  If you are highly driven, motivated, passionate in everything you do, live and breathe the values of this company and learn our business inside and out and back to front and give our clients 110%, if you are tenacious, ambitious, always a team player, always willing to go the extra mile, put in the hard graft and the hours... then I'll have an even better car next year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf02bq/the_secret_to_success_in_the_corporate_world/
%
To the person who stole my glasses

I can still drink from the bottle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cf00be/to_the_person_who_stole_my_glasses/
%
One day in a Detroit Church...

A priest asks if anyone has a disability that needs to be prayed for.
A man steps up, “I need help with my hearing!”
The priest prays his heart out for him, a hand on each ear. Once he is finished he asks, “How is your hearing now?”
The man responds, “I don’t know, it’s on Thursday.
Credit: My Uncle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cezzi7/one_day_in_a_detroit_church/
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(Me) Ok I’m going to get out of bed now

(Also me one hour later) Ok I’m going to get out of bed now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cezwm8/me_ok_im_going_to_get_out_of_bed_now/
%
What kind of rock isn't really a rock?

A shamrock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cezlco/what_kind_of_rock_isnt_really_a_rock/
%
What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?

One goes *ba dum tss* and the other is da bum kiss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cezj32/whats_the_difference_between_a_rimshot_and_a/
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Three Women are sitting at a bar.

The first woman speaks: “me and my husband have been trying anal recently, he can fit 3 fingers in my ass now”
The second scoffs and says: “that’s nothing, my husband can fit his fist in mine”
The third just turns and laughs at them.
The other women look at her and ask: “where did your stool go?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceze9m/three_women_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
%
What's an Elephat's favorite vacation spot?

Tuskany

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cez9g8/whats_an_elephats_favorite_vacation_spot/
%
You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cez9ds/you_know_what_seems_odd_to_me/
%
What does Titanic, The Sixth Sense, and Game of Thrones have in common?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cez93r/what_does_titanic_the_sixth_sense_and_game_of/
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What do you call a lifeguard without a breath?

Dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cez92h/what_do_you_call_a_lifeguard_without_a_breath/
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A robber walks into a bank

He proceeds to take all the money and begins to walk out. Before he leaves he turns to a customer lying on the floor and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
"Yes, sir," says the man, to which the robber shoots him.
He turns to another customer and says, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
Thinking quick the man responded, "No, but my wife here saw everything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cez7uf/a_robber_walks_into_a_bank/
%
Skinny jeans are like a cheap hotel.

There’s no ballroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cez631/skinny_jeans_are_like_a_cheap_hotel/
%
What do birds get if they have unprotected sex?

Cherppies!
Do you know why that's really bad?
Their un-tweetable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceyy5f/what_do_birds_get_if_they_have_unprotected_sex/
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So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet...

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceyx0y/so_there_was_this_professional_assassin_who/
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I'm not the best at giving handjobs in a sweater.

But I still have a few tricks up my sleeve!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceyw82/im_not_the_best_at_giving_handjobs_in_a_sweater/
%
There's a fine line between sober and high.

And I just snorted it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceyvsd/theres_a_fine_line_between_sober_and_high/
%
I recently bought a ouija board the other day, I asked a question: “hello, is anybody there?” The reply I got was: “Y. O. U. U. U. U. U

Guess I accidentally bought a soulja board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceyrif/i_recently_bought_a_ouija_board_the_other_day_i/
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Doc, I don't last long in bed.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"
He  spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do  it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.  He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally,  he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on  the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was  examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and  started to masturbate.
He  closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm,  he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his  mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came  the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're  down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceypcw/doc_i_dont_last_long_in_bed/
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As I suspected, someone’s been putting soil in my garden.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceyj4d/as_i_suspected_someones_been_putting_soil_in_my/
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Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceyij4/shakespeare_was_planning_on_making_hamlet_into_a/
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What did a women’s toilet seat say to a men’s toilet seat?

”Urinal lot of trouble, mister.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceyi9w/what_did_a_womens_toilet_seat_say_to_a_mens/
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Arrrrr

A pirate walked into a bar with a paper towel on his head.
Bartender asked "why the paper towel on your head?"
Pirate says "Aaarrrr there be a bounty on me head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceydhx/arrrrr/
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Why did the Mormon cross the road?

To get to the other bride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cexx5k/why_did_the_mormon_cross_the_road/
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I called my school-time friend after a long while,

He said he was working on a special project called "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".
I was Impressed...
Later I realized that idiot was washing dishes and utensils in warm water under the supervision of his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cexx5e/i_called_my_schooltime_friend_after_a_long_while/
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Why do kids in the Czech Republic get twice as many Christmas presents?

Because Santa Clause made a list and he Czeched it twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cexvtm/why_do_kids_in_the_czech_republic_get_twice_as/
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What is that awful smell?

Oh, it's just the ol' factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cexuc4/what_is_that_awful_smell/
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How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?

Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
(Credit to my cousin)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cexpmg/how_do_you_come_up_with_a_secure_password_to/
%
My girlfriend and I have a complex relationship

I’m real but she’s imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cexfw6/my_girlfriend_and_i_have_a_complex_relationship/
%
Catholic Priests should storm Area 51

So it’s Aliens vs. Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cexf57/catholic_priests_should_storm_area_51/
%
Justice should always be served cold

Because if served warm it'll be justwater instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cexe00/justice_should_always_be_served_cold/
%
If you can think of a better fish pun..

let minnow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cexd2h/if_you_can_think_of_a_better_fish_pun/
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Birthdays are good for your health.

The more you have, the longer you live.
(Keep living. Its worth it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cexcr8/birthdays_are_good_for_your_health/
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Kid asks mom "Mom, what is dark humor?"

Mom: "See that man over there with no arms? Ask him to clap"
Kid: "But mom I'm blind"
Mom: "Exactly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cexc42/kid_asks_mom_mom_what_is_dark_humor/
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What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cexa5i/what_do_you_call_an_elephant_that_doesnt_matter/
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6:30 is my favorite time, hands down.

But 3:15 is all right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cex667/630_is_my_favorite_time_hands_down/
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I'm a blatant racist.

I hate all races, bicycle races, foot races, marathon races, car races. Every race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cex5mb/im_a_blatant_racist/
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What do you call a thigh bone that takes the lords name in vein?

A Blasfemur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cewto2/what_do_you_call_a_thigh_bone_that_takes_the/
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Where does a lady with one leg work?

IHOP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cewsxx/where_does_a_lady_with_one_leg_work/
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Apparently weed is the gateway drug. But I'm not so sure.

I just spent 25 minutes trying to get into my garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cewjn4/apparently_weed_is_the_gateway_drug_but_im_not_so/
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When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up to it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..
They all had tennis rackets in theirs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cewe7m/when_i_got_home_my_wife_had_2_gorgeous_friends/
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A man was visiting a monastery and took a guided tour with the head monk.

As they walked through, the head monk pointed out all of the different activities going on.
"This is where we make the bread. We grind our own flour."
"This monk is taking a break from his work to pray."
"Here is the garden, where we grow all our own food."
"This is our animal barn. We raise all these animals from cradle to grave, and they all have some job to do on the grounds."
The head monk then left the man to explore on his own. As he made his way back to the entrance, he passed by the monk who was praying before. He was still bowed over, with his hands pressed together in prayer. The man didn't want to bother him, but he was incredibly curious.
"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you. I can see that you're praying, and you've been praying for a very long time. What do you do here at the monastery?
The monk replied, "I make the glue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cewcoq/a_man_was_visiting_a_monastery_and_took_a_guided/
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The therapists asked me "So, you were saying you hear voices..."

me: Yes
therapist: how often?
mom: Who are you talking to?
me: I'm talking to my therapist, mom
mom: What therapist? You've been holed up in that room all day long!
therapist: You still live with your mother?
me: No, sir, I live alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cewbje/the_therapists_asked_me_so_you_were_saying_you/
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

One snatches your watch whilst the other watches your snatch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cew6uh/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering A Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cew34i/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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My jealous wife made me change my name to 'Married.'

Now I have to introduce myself to other women as "Hi, I'm Married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cew2y1/my_jealous_wife_made_me_change_my_name_to_married/
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The Genie offered me one wish. I asked for a McDonald's ice cream. When he told me the machine was broken and he couldn't do the impossible I got to pick another wish. I asked him for an original joke on reddit. He agreed to grant my wish but had one last question...

Would you like that in a cone or a cup?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cew2pa/the_genie_offered_me_one_wish_i_asked_for_a/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cew1vz/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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Ask me a questions and once I've responded, edit that question to a new one to make me look stupid.

I'm having a rough day and I think this could be a fun way to change that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cevuav/ask_me_a_questions_and_once_ive_responded_edit/
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Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It’s a site for sore eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cevu76/did_you_hear_that_theres_a_webpage_for_people_who/
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What do you call it when a lizard bites your dick

Ereptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cevs0j/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_lizard_bites_your_dick/
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I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.

Little to no goals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cevr63/i_started_watching_soccer_because_i_could_see_its/
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Jesus joke

Nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cevq11/jesus_joke/
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What would have Buzz Aldrin, the second man to get to the moon, said when he reached there?

Neil before me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cevnof/what_would_have_buzz_aldrin_the_second_man_to_get/
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I'd tell you a joke about DOHC,

but I'm fairly certain it would go overhead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cevm0c/id_tell_you_a_joke_about_dohc/
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A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick.  The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request.  "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"
"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."
"Ok.  May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particular spot?  It's not going to be comfort---"
The man cuts him off and explains again that he is sure and asks how much money is needed.  The two agree on a price and the tattoo artist begins to prep.
He asks the man again before starting if he is sure.  "Yes," he answers, "let's get going."
The tattoo artist begins.  The whole time he can't believe what is happening and why this man would put himself through the pain for a $100 bill on his cock.
After some time the tattoo is complete and it's as perfect as a $100 bill on a penis can look.  The man is pleased with the work and tips the artist well.
"Look, I know I've asked you and asked you, but now that I'm done can you please just tell me why you would go through all this pain and pay the money you did for this tattoo?"
The man sighs and says, "Sure, I suppose I can tell you.  You have been pretty persistent."
"One, I like to play with my money.  Two, I like to watch my money grow.  And, three, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can do it at home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cevjy8/a_man_walks_into_a_tattoo_shop_asking_for_100/
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What did the epileptic kid say while watching the light show?

Bro I'm literally shaking right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cevgjd/what_did_the_epileptic_kid_say_while_watching_the/
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Have you guys heard the joke about my tumor?

I hated it at first, but it grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cevfdu/have_you_guys_heard_the_joke_about_my_tumor/
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Feel free to steal all of my jokes...

Just know that I lick every one before I post them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cevbmg/feel_free_to_steal_all_of_my_jokes/
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What did the cheese say when it's kid got bad grades?

I'm ***grate***ly disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cev6hu/what_did_the_cheese_say_when_its_kid_got_bad/
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The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.
"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.
"You're a proper lad", he quipped.
"Thank you...", I responded hesitantly. I didn't want to be rude, so we struck up conversation and after a few pints I felt ready to ask him what I had wondered since I first saw him.
"So ... friend, what's a Leprechaun doing here in a pub anyway? What's your story?"
"Oh, you see lad, I'm just out of prison and I thought I'd just celebrate with a couple of drinks before I head home."
"Prison, you say? What were you in for?"
"Theft. I used to be quite an unscrupulous man when I was younger. I was damn good at it too. Never caught once."
"But how did you end up in prison if you never got caught?"
"I'll get to that. So anyway, I started out by stealing iron from the mines of the Trolls. There was this ventilation duct in the mine where someone of my stature had no problem getting both in and out with it. This worked out for a while, until..."
He paused and took a swig of his drink.
"I got greedy. So I moved on to a higher value target. I started stealing copper from the Hobgoblins. But it was stressful. The bastards have a good sense of smell, so I had to smear myself with cow-dung before every heist. It's not a pretty sight, and the smell lasts for days."
"It didn't really take long before I took it even further, and started stealing the silver that the Fairies were digging up to use for their fairy dust. It was easier and more lucrative than the previous job. But at this point my conscience had started to wear on me. I'm not a God fearing man by any means, but I could feel as if I was being judged."
"So what happened then?", I inquired.
"Well, I thought it was just going to be one more gig. One last job to make bank. So this time, I targeted the most high value mining operation in the land, but I couldn't go through with it. I had a mental breakdown and turned myself in on the spot."
"Why?"
"I don't know lad. I just felt that I couldn't take Gnome ore..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cev5oy/the_leprechaun_thief/
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A famous chef and his wife are having marital problems

A world famous chef has been away for many months traveling the globe and preparing exotic dishes, and as his wife expects, sleeping with exotic women.
In an effort to save his skin, he pulls the wife aside and says "Honey, I know I have been away for a long time, but I promise you never left my heart. I've brought back some of the world's rarest and most sought after ingredients and I'd like to prepare a meal for you to prove my love: a venison from the smallest antelope in the world; the dik dik."
The wife is skeptical, but says okay, and he hurriedly rushes to the kitchen to prepare the meal. Yet, when he opens up the box of ingredients instead of the meat he finds the wife's very happy, and very full, cat having polished off the entirety of his supplies.
Both furious and desperate, he decides to prepare the cat instead and simply tell his wife it ran away.
He puts the finishing touches on the meal, and brings it out to his wife. She takes one bite, spits it out, and says: "Why the fuck does your dik taste like pussy?"
(plz don't kill cats ty)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cev49m/a_famous_chef_and_his_wife_are_having_marital/
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How does Darth Vader like his toast...

On the dark side😂😂
(Told to me by my dad)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cev30c/how_does_darth_vader_like_his_toast/
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A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat

Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cev2ju/a_female_sheep_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_baby_cow/
%
On a first date with Medusa I was staring at her boobs she told me, "Hey pal my eyes are up here."

I was already rock hard though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cev10r/on_a_first_date_with_medusa_i_was_staring_at_her/
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A survey shows that 85% of men masturbate in the shower. The remaining 15% sing. Do you know what they sing?

...No, I thought you probably didn't. ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceuzuf/a_survey_shows_that_85_of_men_masturbate_in_the/
%
So there was this old man who lived by himself.

His bank saw huge amounts of money being withdrawn and deposited from his account, so they called him and they scheduled an appointment for 10:00 a.m. the next morning. Just in case, the old man hired a lawyer.
So the next morning the old man wakes up and goes to the bank at 10:00 for the appointment. When he gets there he tells them he likes to do a little bit of gambling. The bank agent asks for an example, so the old man said “I bet you
$5000 I can bite my eye.”The bank agent thought about it and said you’re on. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it, and the bank agent goes son of a gun. Then the man says I don’t want you to be mad I’ll give you a chance to win your money back and more.
So the man says”I bet you $7500 I can bite my other eye.” The bank agent thinks for a second and says to himself I didn’t see him come in with a cane. Then he says you’re on.  The old man takes out his fake teeth and bites his other eye. Then the bank agent says gosh darnit. Then the old man says I’m gonna give you one more chance to win even more money.
So the old man says “I bet you $15000 that if you slide that trash can over to the other side of the room I can stand here and pee all the way into that trash can. The bank agent thinks and says your on. So he slides the trash can over there and the old man pees all over the desk.
While the bank agent is laughing he sees the lawyer face palm. The bank agent goes what’s wrong with you. The lawyer says I bet him 100 thousand that he couldn’t pee all over your desk without getting kicked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceuy6z/so_there_was_this_old_man_who_lived_by_himself/
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Priests should join the raid on area 51

So that it'll be aliens vs predators

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceumm5/priests_should_join_the_raid_on_area_51/
%
Amazon won't refund me after sending me the wrong fertilizer.

This is some bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceumgk/amazon_wont_refund_me_after_sending_me_the_wrong/
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If you go into the bathroom American, and you leave the bathroom American, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

European.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceumf5/if_you_go_into_the_bathroom_american_and_you/
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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sandwich dear?”
Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit. So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only this time, she makes it with ham and cheese, and on wheat bread. She thought surely he will enjoy this!
The husband enters the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife then asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife then thinks maybe she needs to offer him more variety. So the next day, she makes him a sandwich, only this time its made with salami, pepperoni, and extra veggies and vinegarette dressing. He walks in the kitchen, takes a bite, and the wife asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine” and continued eating with a disappointed look on his face.
The next day, as lunch time is getting ready to roll around, his wife was making him lunch. She was furious at the lack of excitement and enjoyment coming from her husband, so she decides shes going to make him the most unique sandwich hes ever had.
She prepares her italian bread, only this time she toasts it, and almost burns it. She adds random ingredients like peanut butter, peppers and onions, strawberry jam, turkey, ham, corned beef, some olives and some various seasonings. She thought “If this doesnt get a new reaction out of him, nothing will!”
The husband walks into the kitchen, takes a seat, and takes a bite of his sandwich. All of a sudden, his eyes widen, and he takes two more bites.
Suddenly, he looks up at his wife with the biggest grin he’s ever had. He chuckled a bit and says “Finally! Something original in this sub!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceuhe8/a_sweet_old_lady_is_making_lunch_for_her_husband/
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An American, an Englishman and an Irishman Walk into a Bar..

Barman: What are you guys having?
American: I'll have a Budweiser
Englishman: I'll have a Carling
Irishman: I'll have a water, seeing as none of us are drinking...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceufqu/an_american_an_englishman_and_an_irishman_walk/
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I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceudcv/i_call_my_wife_bambi_she_thinks_its_because_shes/
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What does an Australian bricklayer wear at work?

A bloody hell, mate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceucbv/what_does_an_australian_bricklayer_wear_at_work/
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I just saw my high-school english teacher the other day and she didn't remember me.

I was homeschooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceu87y/i_just_saw_my_highschool_english_teacher_the/
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Bancroft was an unimpressive man

he had no viable skills or accomplishments. He has always dreamed of joining the king’s army and becoming a knight but was always rejected as he was too short. He would often complain to his friend, Alcott, about his height. He would repeatedly say, “If only I was taller, I would be able to be a knight.”
One day, a mad scientist overheard Bancroft’s and Alcott’s discussion. When he heard Bancroft’s plea for height, the mad scientist decided to intervene. He introduced himself to the gentlemen, and said he may have a solution to Bancroft’s ailment. He was working an artificial knee fashioned from various metals: some copper, some brass but mostly iron. The mad scientist claimed this was designed to improve on the human bone which is fragile and weak. He tested it on himself and noticed that aside reducing the chance of injury there were notable positive side effects. He was able to run faster, jump higher and, oddly enough, was around 6 inches taller than before.
Bancroft did not need much convincing; he, immediately, agreed to the mad scientist’s proposal and wanted the knees installed right away. Alcott tried to convince Bancroft otherwise, but Bancroft did not care for Alcott’s plea. He made up his mind and would not have it any other way.
A few days later, the mad scientist completed the operation which was a success. Bancroft noticed his physical abilities improved substantially, and he was much taller. With this new found skill set and stature he marched to the king’s castle and demanded to join the king’s army. The commander put Bancroft through the initiation test which Bancroft passed with flying colours. The commander was amazed at Bancroft’s abilities and recruited him right away.
Bancroft went on for years fighting, defending the honour of the king. He was awarded the greatest honours and never lost a battle. The king, himself, praised Bancroft for his valour and contribution to the nation. Bancroft was finally content, proud of his accomplishments and stronger than ever. He never mentioned his secret weapon to anyone fearing others will undergo the same operation, and then he would lose all the praise.
One day Bancroft collapsed while completing his rounds. Another knight determined that Bancroft was, in fact, dead. When doctor was examining Bancroft’s cold, dead body he noticed the artificial knee has rusted and determined it was likely Tetanus that killed Bancroft.
It’s funny the same object that made him a great warrior was the cause of his demise – the iron knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceu6gq/bancroft_was_an_unimpressive_man/
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Someone asked me if I wanted a protein bar.

I said no Whey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceu5b5/someone_asked_me_if_i_wanted_a_protein_bar/
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You know how people say they can't poop in public?

I think they're full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceu586/you_know_how_people_say_they_cant_poop_in_public/
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If the Bible was to be summed up in one sentence it would be “ God created a man and a woman ...

... and then promptly lost control of events.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceu51k/if_the_bible_was_to_be_summed_up_in_one_sentence/
%
When you have a bladder infection,

urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceu20z/when_you_have_a_bladder_infection/
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What did the underwear say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll cover the rear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cetv4v/what_did_the_underwear_say_to_the_hat/
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A Roman walks into a bar

He looks at the barkeeper, raising his hand ✌️ “five beer please“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cetrkm/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a group of Amish witches?

A Dutch coven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cetm1v/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_amish_witches/
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My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cetm13/my_wife_hates_it_when_our_next_door_neighbor/
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Two silk worms challenged each other in a race.

It ended in a tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cetlkj/two_silk_worms_challenged_each_other_in_a_race/
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I only know these three sentences:

I'm bad at math.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cetksw/i_only_know_these_three_sentences/
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Driving on an open road and a cop pulls me over

Cop: You know how fast you were going?
Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.
Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.
Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cetfg3/driving_on_an_open_road_and_a_cop_pulls_me_over/
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I’ve always been told I had no friends

The 12 voices in my head disagree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cet2c2/ive_always_been_told_i_had_no_friends/
%
I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cet0l7/i_could_get_to_the_second_floor_using_the_stairs/
%
What do you say to a camouflaged person in a wheelchair?

You can hide, but you can’t run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cet08p/what_do_you_say_to_a_camouflaged_person_in_a/
%
What does a ghost take when it has acid reflux?

Phan-tums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cessi0/what_does_a_ghost_take_when_it_has_acid_reflux/
%
What do you say after sex at a funeral?

Good mourning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceso6u/what_do_you_say_after_sex_at_a_funeral/
%
Curious boy

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.  The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.  The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.  Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.  His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cesd02/curious_boy/
%
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest  to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cesb01/a_woman_takes_a_lover_home_during_the_day_while/
%
Take care while walking on uneven pavements.

For more information- see trip advisor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ces92k/take_care_while_walking_on_uneven_pavements/
%
My girlfriend asked me for the third time this week if I was cheating on her ...

Nowadays, she has starting to sound like my wife...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ces33d/my_girlfriend_asked_me_for_the_third_time_this/
%
My girlfriend said, "You act too much like a detective . I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cersom/my_girlfriend_said_you_act_too_much_like_a/
%
An old Scottish builder walks into a bar.

He sits down orders a tall beer, and tells the bartender
You see that fence out back, i built it 10 miles long, all by hand. But do they call me McGregor the fence builder, no
You see that dock out front, i hammered all the post in 14 feet of water sanded the deck boards. But do they call me McGregor the dock builder, no
But you fuck one goat...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cerpvc/an_old_scottish_builder_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A one-eyed guy named Wazowski found a magic lamp

Genie: you have one wish
Wazowski: I want an extra eye
Genie: done
Wazowskii: but nothing happened

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cerkpv/a_oneeyed_guy_named_wazowski_found_a_magic_lamp/
%
Trump wants to ban Muslims, but if we learned ANYTHING from prohibition...

&nbsp;
&nbsp;
...it's that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceribc/trump_wants_to_ban_muslims_but_if_we_learned/
%
What do you call a serial killer on acid?

Jack the tripper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceram7/what_do_you_call_a_serial_killer_on_acid/
%
What is it called when you poke your eye while putting on safety glasses?

Eyerony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cer8xu/what_is_it_called_when_you_poke_your_eye_while/
%
"A bull is standing at the border of the Netherlands and Belgium, in which country gives it his milk?"

"A bull is standing at the border between the Netherlands and Belgium, in which country gives it his milk?"
"A bull doesn't give milk"
"Belgians don't know that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cer545/a_bull_is_standing_at_the_border_of_the/
%
My phone always want to become the president whenever I forget to charge it overnight

Power hungry bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cer39m/my_phone_always_want_to_become_the_president/
%
I asked a emo girl out yesterday but got turned down.

She's probably just waiting for her prince harming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cer1wx/i_asked_a_emo_girl_out_yesterday_but_got_turned/
%
Hmm...skepticism...

Do you have any sources for that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceqyx3/hmmskepticism/
%
The internet connection in my farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cequx5/the_internet_connection_in_my_farm_was_really/
%
Arm wrestle

I challenged one of the Apollo 11 crew  to an arm wrestle.
In hindsight I should have chosen Aldrin, or Collins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceqmtp/arm_wrestle/
%
My wife choked to death while sucking my cock.

It was a terrible blow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceqm3o/my_wife_choked_to_death_while_sucking_my_cock/
%
I'm not trying to get technical on you Mom, BUT.....

&nbsp;
&nbsp;
...according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceqlhj/im_not_trying_to_get_technical_on_you_mom_but/
%
A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.
"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"
The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the engine. 50% is for perfect reassembly of the engine. I gave you another 50% on top because you did it all through the exhaust pipe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceqhw5/a_proctologist_gets_sick_of_his_medical_career/
%
If ass tasted like cookies, would you be willing to eat ass?

Maybe, but you’d never be able to look the same way again at Cookie Monster.
A nom nom nom nom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceqe62/if_ass_tasted_like_cookies_would_you_be_willing/
%
I started dating a blind woman. It's fantastic.

However, it took me quite a long time to learn to mimic the voice of her husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceqe5l/i_started_dating_a_blind_woman_its_fantastic/
%
Old ladies' knickers

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Phyllis's are green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceqe0z/old_ladies_knickers/
%
A pair of twins were in a cake shop...

They were looking for a birthday cake but just couldn’t decide on a topping.
Twin 1: “I want chocolate”
Twin 2: “I want skittles”
Twin 1: “How about we do Rock Paper Scissors?”
Twin 2: “Why would I want that on my cake?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceqb5x/a_pair_of_twins_were_in_a_cake_shop/
%
A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea
Genie: poof
om: it didn't work
EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceq8o8/a_magic_genie_tells_tom_i_can_make_anything_of/
%
I just graduated from university and I'm only 4!

But I guess it's less impressive for those of you aware of factorials.
See you in 96 years when I make my next joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceq7ag/i_just_graduated_from_university_and_im_only_4/
%
Why don’t scientists trust atoms

They make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceq71c/why_dont_scientists_trust_atoms/
%
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceq42h/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/
%
For some reason, im friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet .

I just dont know why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceq3xq/for_some_reason_im_friendly_with_25_letters_of/
%
Where do you work?

— NSA
— tell me something interesting
— about me or about you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cepxqx/where_do_you_work/
%
Having too much sex can cause memory loss!

I read it on page 34, line 15 in a medical journal on may 23, 2009 at 11:58 AM .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cepnxj/having_too_much_sex_can_cause_memory_loss/
%
My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once.

But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cepn5o/my_cock_was_actually_in_the_guinness_book_of/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about my wife.

I'd probably start thinking about her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cephnr/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_thought_about/
%
What do you call a girl with a moustache made of sodium?

Natasha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cepb8d/what_do_you_call_a_girl_with_a_moustache_made_of/
%
Where do you find giant snails?

On a giant's fingers and toes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cepalh/where_do_you_find_giant_snails/
%
The first French fries weren't actually cooked in France...

They were cooked in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cep7my/the_first_french_fries_werent_actually_cooked_in/
%
We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful.

He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cep14n/we_kicked_the_drummer_out_if_the_band_because_his/
%
The 2000 Chinese women's gymnastics team had to surrender their bronze medal after it was discovered that Dong Fangxiao was younger than the minimum age of 16.

They would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for those medalling kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceoyti/the_2000_chinese_womens_gymnastics_team_had_to/
%
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".

**John came fifth and won a toaster.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceoww5/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
%
Camping is an extreme sport

It's in tents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceovva/camping_is_an_extreme_sport/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

**She seemed surprised.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceovei/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
%
I got arrested for breaking and entering a car dealership ..

In my defence, the salesperson told me I could sleep on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceov7h/i_got_arrested_for_breaking_and_entering_a_car/
%
I went to Brisbane's hottest redhead competition

5000 people attended, and not a soul in sight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceosk2/i_went_to_brisbanes_hottest_redhead_competition/
%
I like playing squash

The ants hate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceor41/i_like_playing_squash/
%
What’s an executioner’s favourite deodorant?

Axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceor1t/whats_an_executioners_favourite_deodorant/
%
Do you know where in the hospital the invisible man can't hide?

The I.C.U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceoqeh/do_you_know_where_in_the_hospital_the_invisible/
%
One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.
Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceoo19/one_day_a_mom_made_a_bowl_of_salad_for_her_son/
%
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

"Hang on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceontj/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_tree/
%
Why is Z the only letter in the alphabet you should be friends with?

Because all other letters are Nazis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceom1h/why_is_z_the_only_letter_in_the_alphabet_you/
%
My girlfriend has been ignoring my attempts to communicate with her. I think she has been ghosting me for several weeks now all because I asked her to send nudes.

So I said screw it, I’m done trying to communicate and threw out my Ouija board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceoht9/my_girlfriend_has_been_ignoring_my_attempts_to/
%
To any new parent!

Use the old age filter on your kid.
Print it out, frame it and display it where they will see it daily.
At some point they will realise it's them.
Convince them they're a time traveller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceohk0/to_any_new_parent/
%
I'm so done with my suicidal cannibal friend

He's so full of himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceoguf/im_so_done_with_my_suicidal_cannibal_friend/
%
Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceogb9/today_a_young_man_was_detained_after_being_caught/
%
What did Jesus drop in his toilet?

Holy shit!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceo4wz/what_did_jesus_drop_in_his_toilet/
%
Irony of life!

The doctor hopes you fall ill.
The police hopes you become a criminal.
The lawyer hopes you get into trouble.
The priest wants you to get married.
The coffin maker wants you dead.
Only a thief wishes you prosperity in life!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceo1mx/irony_of_life/
%
I built an entire car out of spaghetti just to impress this girl.

Should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cenx1v/i_built_an_entire_car_out_of_spaghetti_just_to/
%
I once lived a stones throw away from a family.

They all died of mysterious head injuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cenuc5/i_once_lived_a_stones_throw_away_from_a_family/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike

It got so awful we had to take the bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/centju/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike/
%
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/censgx/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nudist_beach/
%
Someone told me I have a hard time picking up on social cues

I think shes in love with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cenpa2/someone_told_me_i_have_a_hard_time_picking_up_on/
%
Imagine a cow with twelve teets...

Sound silly, dozentit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cennnr/imagine_a_cow_with_twelve_teets/
%
I got fired from my summer job at M&M quality control

I threw out a batch of W's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cendcm/i_got_fired_from_my_summer_job_at_mm_quality/
%
It's insensitive to call disabled twins "handicapped"

The correct term is "impaired".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cenc7x/its_insensitive_to_call_disabled_twins_handicapped/
%
What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down three miles from a blood bank?

A cab!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cen5tw/what_do_you_call_a_vampire_whose_car_breaks_down/
%
I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum.

I think I have a percussion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cen1f8/i_tripped_and_hit_my_head_on_a_snare_drum/
%
Why did the cucumber blush?

He saw the salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cemsw3/why_did_the_cucumber_blush/
%
What do you call a bug that's a sex offender?

A cockroach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cemoy8/what_do_you_call_a_bug_thats_a_sex_offender/
%
How can you tell it's a Mormon wedding?

The bride isn't pregnant but her mom is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cemncb/how_can_you_tell_its_a_mormon_wedding/
%
Luck is a dick.

It comes in spurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cemhu6/luck_is_a_dick/
%
My wife left me because she said I kept leaving oxygen tanks around the house.

I thought that they created atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cemdaa/my_wife_left_me_because_she_said_i_kept_leaving/
%
I bought a boat...

because it was for sail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cemazy/i_bought_a_boat/
%
A crow got cut in half by a wind turbine.

ow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cem9ii/a_crow_got_cut_in_half_by_a_wind_turbine/
%
Why doesn't Donald Trump ever get pissed off?

Because he's too busy getting pissed on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cem878/why_doesnt_donald_trump_ever_get_pissed_off/
%
What do you call a fat person with a crystal ball?

Four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cem7qy/what_do_you_call_a_fat_person_with_a_crystal_ball/
%
There once was a man who drove a train for a living...

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cem7cw/there_once_was_a_man_who_drove_a_train_for_a/
%
What do you call a sleepy rainforest

Pajamazon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cem46b/what_do_you_call_a_sleepy_rainforest/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Depends how hard you throw it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cem25q/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
A Mexican illegally crossed the border into the US and gets into a fight with a sex offender

It's Alien vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/celxrs/a_mexican_illegally_crossed_the_border_into_the/
%
A man walks into a bar

And loses the limbo contest as a result.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/celtef/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, nobody bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/celp9i/when_a_woman_removes_polish_with_chemicals_nobody/
%
Why did the homosexual come out of the closet?

He found his shirt.
It only takes about 5 seconds to find a shirt...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/celkup/why_did_the_homosexual_come_out_of_the_closet/
%
A guy walks into a bar

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/celjqm/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What club do racist scientists join?

The Potassium Potassium Potassium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/celhxy/what_club_do_racist_scientists_join/
%
What did the cocaine addict write in their meme they posted?

Thanks for snorting by new.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/celb26/what_did_the_cocaine_addict_write_in_their_meme/
%
Did you hear about the Trekkie who was trying to pick up girls at a Star Wars convention?

He was looking for love in Alderaan places

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cel6lc/did_you_hear_about_the_trekkie_who_was_trying_to/
%
Why isn’t it fair to compare Mike Pence to Donald Trump?

Because it’s like comparing assholes to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cel5is/why_isnt_it_fair_to_compare_mike_pence_to_donald/
%
How to sustain a long marriage

Have two romatic dinners every week.
You can do a lot of things on a romatic dinner, like drinking wine, dancing, watching TV etc.
My wife goes on Monday and Wednesday, I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cel4em/how_to_sustain_a_long_marriage/
%
What does Area 51 and a g-spot have in common?

All these guys talking about what they’re going to do to it, but they can’t even find it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cel420/what_does_area_51_and_a_gspot_have_in_common/
%
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don’t care if she has one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cekv2y/what_does_a_pulse_and_an_orgasm_have_in_common/
%
What do you get when you spell man backwards?

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceksjv/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
%
A man walks into a bookstore at 3:00 a.m

He walks around and sees a particular notebook behind a counter that’s locked in a glass box.
He asks the cashier what book that is and the cashier says he does not know and needs to get confirmation from the manager. The man asks him to do so.
Moments later, a tall, slender man with pale skin walks up to him claiming to be the manager. He tells the man that the book is actually a sacred relic which was uncovered during an expedition of some old ruins. The manager says that the book is priced at $1000 as to purposely ward of potential buyers.
The man insistently wants to buy the book although the manager warns him otherwise. At last, the manager agrees to sell him the book, but he warns the man of a curse that will befall him if the last page of the book were to ever be opened.
The man agrees and pays the $1000 then leaves with the book.
When he got home, he decides to leave the book opened on the table of his apartment while he goes and washes up. When he is done, he sees the pages of the book turning towards the end at a fast speed, it was at that point that he realized he forgot to close the windows.
He rushed over to the book in an attempt to close it but it was too late. When the book flipped to the last page, he saw a sight that shocked him to near death
“Fixed price: $3”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cekk9t/a_man_walks_into_a_bookstore_at_300_am/
%
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon.
Michal Jackson touched kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cekek3/whats_the_difference_between_michael_jackson_and/
%
What do epileptic children have in common with cheap pizza?

Little Seizures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cekdk6/what_do_epileptic_children_have_in_common_with/
%
A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cek9ob/a_group_of_young_men_were_sitting_around_the/
%
Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and finally reaches a dead end with a pharmacy at the end. It blasts through the doors, skids down the aisle and slams to a stop at the pharmacy counter. The lid pops open and the corpse sits straight up. The pharmacist asks, "Can I help you with something?" The corpse says, "Yeah, you got anything to stop this coffin?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cek7ea/some_pallbearers_are_carrying_a_coffin_at_a/
%
My doctor is very rude.

I went in with some legitimate concerns about my prostate and he just gave me the finger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cek576/my_doctor_is_very_rude/
%
What do you call Palestine?

Isn’trael

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cek3xk/what_do_you_call_palestine/
%
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.
The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.
Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.
The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.
“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”
“Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.
“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”
“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cek3ry/a_mailman_notices_a_mailbox_with_the_flag_up/
%
Say what you want about deaf people

They'll never listen to you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cek2ik/say_what_you_want_about_deaf_people/
%
What do you call an illusionist who performs tricks with numbers?

A math magician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cejrr2/what_do_you_call_an_illusionist_who_performs/
%
What do you call Dragon with no silver?

A dron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cejpsn/what_do_you_call_dragon_with_no_silver/
%
Did you hear John McAfee (the founder of McAfee anti-virus) is facing a court case?

The trial is expected to last 30 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cejkmb/did_you_hear_john_mcafee_the_founder_of_mcafee/
%
What do you call the world's sexiest test tube baby?

Danny DeVitro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cejjgf/what_do_you_call_the_worlds_sexiest_test_tube_baby/
%
You're riding a horse full speed, a giraffe keeps pace beside you. A lion is chasing you. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the merry go round!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceji1o/youre_riding_a_horse_full_speed_a_giraffe_keeps/
%
I can't stand Russian dolls.

So full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cejhqn/i_cant_stand_russian_dolls/
%
You can’t catch aids from a parrot

but you can catch aids from a cockatoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cejh0z/you_cant_catch_aids_from_a_parrot/
%
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cejd8c/i_hate_it_when_engineering_students_refer_to/
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Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?

Me: Yes. I’m not kidding you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cejb48/her_you_got_a_vasectomy_without_telling_me_are/
%
If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cej8d0/if_you_boil_a_funny_bone_it_becomes_a_laughing/
%
100 years ago, everyone had a horse, and only the rich had cars. Now everyone has a car, and only the rich have horses.

How the stables have turned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cej5dt/100_years_ago_everyone_had_a_horse_and_only_the/
%
Can we please stop with this whole FaceApp trend

It’s getting old quick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cej1i3/can_we_please_stop_with_this_whole_faceapp_trend/
%
A blonde is running around the house with a flashlight and a shoe box.

She puts the flashlight on the floor, sneaks in front of the light, puts the box on the floor, then quickly closes the box.
Husband comes home, only to find his giggly wife doing this over and over again: “Honey, what the heck are you doing?”
“She was right, this is fun! Cindy told me shadow boxing is a great way to get in shape.”
(OC)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cej11n/a_blonde_is_running_around_the_house_with_a/
%
Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.
Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.
In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.
Three prisoners step forward and so Hitler asks how high they can jump.
The first one says, I can easily jump over 2 meters with a running start. Hitler then tells the guards to double that man's rations and keep him in good health for the upcoming Olympics.
Second man comes up and says he can jump 3 meters high with a running start. Okay, says Hitler, triple his rations and keep him in sound health, we'll need him.
The third one starts thinking, if the first one got double rations for juming 2 meters and the second one triple rations, I'll exaggerate and have plenty of food for myself. So he says I can easily jump over 5 meters. So Hitler says, shoot this one, he can jump over the fence.
It's an old joke from where I am and I do not condone what happend then but for some reason this joke still sticks around after all this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cej0ik/hitlers_lookinf_for_athletes_in_a_camp/
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Being a plastic surgeon must be hard...

Not even a familiar face to keep you company

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cej0iq/being_a_plastic_surgeon_must_be_hard/
%
LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceizsd/lpt_now_that_it_is_summer_time_avoid_swimming_in/
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I got fired for eating chips at work.

Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceiptt/i_got_fired_for_eating_chips_at_work/
%
Why do paid athletes weigh more than felons?

Because the pros outweigh the cons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cei7qh/why_do_paid_athletes_weigh_more_than_felons/
%
i have a dream

i dream of a better future a future where chickens can cross the road without being asked why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cei7he/i_have_a_dream/
%
What do you call dinosaur without it’s gold?

A dinosr!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cei5r1/what_do_you_call_dinosaur_without_its_gold/
%
Why is Peter pan always flying?

He neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cei340/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cei2k4/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
%
Math

the only world were you can buy 140 watermelons without your motives being questioned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cehxd5/math/
%
What's he difference between a White person and a Black person?

Nothing, we're all equal and should be treated no different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cehp69/whats_he_difference_between_a_white_person_and_a/
%
Why is America overweight?

'Cus these colors don't run, brother!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cehn2j/why_is_america_overweight/
%
You can never trust stairs

They're always up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cehb9j/you_can_never_trust_stairs/
%
Keep your money away from any balloons

Otherwise it will be affected by inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceh94n/keep_your_money_away_from_any_balloons/
%
Buried Body

Me: If I ever needed to hide a body, I would definitely call my brother for help.
Wife: What?! Why wouldn't you call me?
Me: Whose body do you think I'm hiding?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cegymn/buried_body/
%
My wife says I judge her too much...

She was held in contempt of court for saying that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cegyjo/my_wife_says_i_judge_her_too_much/
%
How are nine ants able to live in an apartment for free?

By not being tenants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cegx24/how_are_nine_ants_able_to_live_in_an_apartment/
%
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fshhhhhhh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cegu4f/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
%
A man and woman statue magically cone to life...

In the park there is a statue of a man and woman, both nude. One day they are granted the ability to come to life, but for only 15 minutes.
They both look at each other and smile then run behind the bushes.
Almost immediately there is giggling and the bush is shaking like crazy.
Then the man statue yells out: ok now you hold the pigeon down while I shit on its head!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cegtbd/a_man_and_woman_statue_magically_cone_to_life/
%
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1 or 2?
1? or 2?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cegpfk/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Say what you will about genetically modified animals

At least were should get CRISPR bacon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cegeep/say_what_you_will_about_genetically_modified/
%
How many wives can a man have?

Two boys talking:
Boy 1: How many wives can a man have?
Boy 2: Easy, 16. Four richer, four poorer, four better, and four worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cegats/how_many_wives_can_a_man_have/
%
Isn't it weird when you're thinking about someone and they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my daughter caught me masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceg0uj/isnt_it_weird_when_youre_thinking_about_someone/
%
If you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cefed7/if_you_criticize_someone_you_should_walk_a_mile/
%
A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cefbwd/a_guy_goes_to_the_psychiatrist_wearing_shorts/
%
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.
Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cef3d0/a_young_man_robbed_a_bank_wearing_a_suit_made_of/
%
Stayed out all night and didn't call my wife.

Found a note on the fridge from my wife  saying "It's not working!" "I can't take it anymore,  gone to stay with my mother"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.  Never did figure out what she was talking about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cef2dp/stayed_out_all_night_and_didnt_call_my_wife/
%
My wife was wondering why her shot glass was broken.

Doesn't she know glass brakes when you put a bullet in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cef2di/my_wife_was_wondering_why_her_shot_glass_was/
%
Last month I went on a once in a lifetime vacation...

Never again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cef1zo/last_month_i_went_on_a_once_in_a_lifetime_vacation/
%
What's the best way to win a free trip to Central America?

Apply for asylum in the US

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cef1fo/whats_the_best_way_to_win_a_free_trip_to_central/
%
A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and orders a drink. That's when he notices there's a horse in the bar. So he asks the bartender, "What's up with the horse?" The bartender replies, "He's here for a contest I like to run. Anyone that can make my horse laugh, will get my bar. And if you can make him cry, you'll get my house. Of course no one's ever succeeded."
So the man goes over to the horse, and a second later, the horse is laughing hysterically. Then another second later, the horse is sobbing inconsolably. The bartender is astonished and says, "Okay you win! But first tell me how you did it."
The man replies, "First I told him I had a bigger penis. Then I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceezq3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceex90/three_dinosaurs_stumble_across_a_magic_lamp/
%
Did you hear about the 2 guys who broke into a house and stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceex6x/did_you_hear_about_the_2_guys_who_broke_into_a/
%
My dad's favorite story is about how he single-handedly saved a dairy farm from bankruptcy

The story is pretty cheesy, but he milks it for all its worth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceewoq/my_dads_favorite_story_is_about_how_he/
%
Autocorrect is a bitch. I just txt my pal if he wanted to go for a wank by the river.

I meant the canal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceev9y/autocorrect_is_a_bitch_i_just_txt_my_pal_if_he/
%
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceesxc/i_thought_my_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife_from/
%
I have a doppelganger named Jake and we look so alike that no one who has seen us online can tell us apart except for one big giveaway

The real Jake is always in the comments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceep2a/i_have_a_doppelganger_named_jake_and_we_look_so/
%
Ask me where we’ll be in a year.

I don’t know. I don’t have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceemm6/ask_me_where_well_be_in_a_year/
%
Why does Ariel wear seashells for a bikini top?

Because the B-shells were too small.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceee0l/why_does_ariel_wear_seashells_for_a_bikini_top/
%
A mathematician and an engineer are in a room with a naked woman

The woman is horny, and says to the two that she will have sex with the first person to reach her. However, she is on a bed 10 feet away from them. Their condition is to start at that 10 foot mark together, and move half the available distance each time the decide to move closer.
The mathematician get angry and says, "This is impossible! I'm going home!" And he storms off. On the way out he taps the engineer's shoulder and tells him, "I'm a mathematician, trust me. The chance of reaching her is absolutely zero!"
The engineer smiles, and says to him, "I might never reach her precisely, but I'll definitely be close enough for all practical purposes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceec3o/a_mathematician_and_an_engineer_are_in_a_room/
%
Did you hear about the blind circumcisior?

He got the sack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cee9fj/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_circumcisior/
%
2 blonds are working on bulding a house...

One blond is working on putting the nails in, on a side of a house. As the other blond watches, she sees her put a nail in, then throw one away, then throw away another one, and put one in... She repeats this for a while, then the other blond asks her "Why are you throwing away those nails?" she replies, "Because the heads are on the wrong side!" Then the other blond says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!"
Thanks to my teacher for telling me this one. I do not take credit for this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cee998/2_blonds_are_working_on_bulding_a_house/
%
My family’s new truck

I remember once when I was a younger kid living with my parents, my dad gave me some money to go down to the grocery store to pay the electricity bill.
Thinking I was a super lucky kid & kind of smart, I decided to buy scratch-off tickets instead. Surprise, surprise - yeah, none of them were winners. When I got home, I tried to explain "But dad, we could have won a new truck if we had won!" He ended up spanking the snot out of me.
Surprisingly, the next morning, we all woke up to a brand new truck outside our house! I thought everyone was crying out of joy!! I had been redeemed! Nope! Unfortunately, the new truck was from the Electric company, coming to shutoff the power. So my dad spanked me again.
To make it a double whammy... It still Hertz to this day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cee7h6/my_familys_new_truck/
%
I was on a plane, and my wife wouldn't stop pestering me to get an upgrade.

It took some time, but eventually I got a better wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cee5ut/i_was_on_a_plane_and_my_wife_wouldnt_stop/
%
Why do men get smarter during sex?

Because they are plugged in to a fucking Know-it-all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cee37w/why_do_men_get_smarter_during_sex/
%
Last night my wife and I watched 3 films back to back.

Luckily I was the one facing the screen.
Credit to Tim Vine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cee27p/last_night_my_wife_and_i_watched_3_films_back_to/
%
It's not called womb in mother russia...

Its uter'us'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cedwvt/its_not_called_womb_in_mother_russia/
%
Why do anti vax babies cry so much more than other babies??

Because they're having a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cedtdh/why_do_anti_vax_babies_cry_so_much_more_than/
%
The average paid athlete weighs more than the average felon

The pros outweigh the cons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cedt6e/the_average_paid_athlete_weighs_more_than_the/
%
Two (more) conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven.

Now that they have the chance to ask any question of God, one of them asks "Do vaccines cause autism?"
God responds "No you fools. I gave humanity the key to save yourselves from countless deaths and so much suffering."
The conspiracy theorist gulps and turns to his friend. "Damn. This goes even higher up than we thought."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cediwq/two_more_conspiracy_theorists_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
Some say that Steve Jobs died too early

Personally I think it’s a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude towards battery life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cediq3/some_say_that_steve_jobs_died_too_early/
%
Two guys are sitting in a bar on top of a cliff on the Pacific Ocean

They are all watching the birds fly down close to the water, catch the draft and fly all the way back up.
One of the guys then exclaims, “I bet you I can do the same thing as the birds; drop down, catch the draft and have it carry me back up.”
“No you can’t” the second guy explains, “that’s impossible”
So the first guy, taking it as a challenge, runs up to the edge, jumps off, falls almost all the way and then the draft picks him up and floats him right back to his seat.
The second guy can’t believe his eyes. He immediately want to try himself. So he runs up to the edge, jumps and plops right into the Pacific Ocean.
The waiter who saw the whole scenario comes by and says,
“Superman, you’re a jerk when you’re drunk”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cedglj/two_guys_are_sitting_in_a_bar_on_top_of_a_cliff/
%
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceddup/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
Cats

Its true that dogs are loyal.
But cats dont tell the police where your drugs are hidden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ced6ef/cats/
%
The blonde "handy-woman".

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished  already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceczcb/the_blonde_handywoman/
%
So two vampires walk into a bar.

The first vampire sits down and asks for a bloody mary, the second vampire sits down and ask for a cup of boiling water. The first vampire says "What did you get a cup of boiling water for dummy" the second vampire pulls out a used tampon and says " cause I'm making tea bitch!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cecy9q/so_two_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What is a trans person's favorite Brittany Spears song?

"I'm not a boy, not yet a woman"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cecxkh/what_is_a_trans_persons_favorite_brittany_spears/
%
My kids are real jerks, so we're moving to Germany.

Then they'll be kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cecv3f/my_kids_are_real_jerks_so_were_moving_to_germany/
%
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?

Or is that a blanket statement?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cecupw/did_all_europeans_give_native_americans_smallpox/
%
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wipes his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cecrdg/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
Today my life got turned upside down...

ǝɟᴉl ʎɯ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cecnv5/today_my_life_got_turned_upside_down/
%
I got arrested for playing chess in the street

I said: “it’s because I’m black isn’t it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceckcg/i_got_arrested_for_playing_chess_in_the_street/
%
Area 51 is like a vagina to conspiracy theorists.

They've heard all about it but they've never been inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceck1e/area_51_is_like_a_vagina_to_conspiracy_theorists/
%
Why do potatoes look so good...

Because their APPEALING!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cecfwx/why_do_potatoes_look_so_good/
%
I like to tease my plants...

When I water them I use ice cubes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cecfnp/i_like_to_tease_my_plants/
%
It’s a boy! I shouted with tears on my face, “I can’t believe it’s a boy!”

That was the moment I decided never to go to Thailand again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceceem/its_a_boy_i_shouted_with_tears_on_my_face_i_cant/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cece09/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_stole_her/
%
What’s Mr. Sippi wife’s name?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cecc05/whats_mr_sippi_wifes_name/
%
Where does a pig's soul go when they die?

Porkatory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cecbvp/where_does_a_pigs_soul_go_when_they_die/
%
Be careful with what you say around your kids

One time this kids parents were having an argument and the dad called the mum a bitch and the mum called the dad a bastard. The kid asked his parents what bitch and bastard mean. The mum quickly answered and said it means ladies and gents.
later that night the parents were having sex and the mum said "Grab my tits" and the dad said "Grab my dick". The kid walked in and asked them what tits and dick means. The dad said it means hats and scarfs.
The next morning the dad was shaving and cut himself and he shouted out "SHIT!", the kid asked him what shit means and the dad said it's the brand of shaving cream I use.
Downstairs the mum was cutting the thanksgiving turkey and she cut herself and screamed out "FUCK!" the kid asked his mum what fuck means and the mum said it's the method of cutting the turkey i'm using.
The doorbell rang and the mum told her son to open the door for the guests and when he opened it he said "Good morning bitches and bastards, give me your tits and dicks and i'll put them up on the coat rack for you, my mum is in the kitchen fucking the turkey and my dad is upstairs wiping shit off his face"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cec858/be_careful_with_what_you_say_around_your_kids/
%
So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet...

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cec3z4/so_there_was_this_professional_assassin_who/
%
There are only three types of people in this world.

Man, Woman and Morgan Freeman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cec3kz/there_are_only_three_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?

It always tastes like paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cec38g/dont_you_hate_it_when_a_teacher_lies_and_says_the/
%
Fat people in long distance relationships.

They don't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cec1fh/fat_people_in_long_distance_relationships/
%
Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cec17j/why_do_plants_hate_math/
%
What happened to the bard that planned a murder with a lute?

It went all achording to plan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cebxzb/what_happened_to_the_bard_that_planned_a_murder/
%
Two women are coming home from a long night out

They're half way home when they both suddenly really need the toilet so they go in some bushes just outside an old graveyard. They have nothing to wipe with so the first one uses her underwear and the second one grabs a wreath from nearby.
The next night the two husbands are drinking in a bar together
Husband 1: I'm never letting my wife go drinking again, she came back last night with no underwear on!
Husband 2: you think that's bad? My wife came home last night and she had a card in her crack which read " from all of us at the fire station, we'll miss you dearly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cebxmf/two_women_are_coming_home_from_a_long_night_out/
%
Never trust someone who really needs to take a dump

They're full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cebvk7/never_trust_someone_who_really_needs_to_take_a/
%
A Star Trek forum exists where Trekkies can debate additions to the universe's lore.

It's called Prose and Khans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cebu6b/a_star_trek_forum_exists_where_trekkies_can/
%
It’s proved, that it is easy to please a woman with just 3.5 inches.

I am talking about credit card length.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cebu3c/its_proved_that_it_is_easy_to_please_a_woman_with/
%
My wife just tried to cut off my penis.

Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cebtzc/my_wife_just_tried_to_cut_off_my_penis/
%
A pregnant woman and her husband are at a party.

At some point, another woman pulls out a cigarette and starts smoking. The pregnant woman's husband goes up to her and says : "Hey, can you not smoke in front of my wife? She's pregnant, and I don't want her to be tempted."
The pregnant woman answers : "Don't worry, honey. I never smoke when I'm drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cebt1a/a_pregnant_woman_and_her_husband_are_at_a_party/
%
I am making holy water, how?

I boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cebgw6/i_am_making_holy_water_how/
%
Why do old people print so slowly?

They can't Ctrl P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cebgty/why_do_old_people_print_so_slowly/
%
An amnesiac walks into a bar.

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cebfub/an_amnesiac_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The mouse and the giraffe

A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar.
The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink.
Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.
After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.
The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.
The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"
The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."
The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"
The mouse replied, "Hey, between the kissing and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cebev1/the_mouse_and_the_giraffe/
%
How do you prevent a rape ?

Self-control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cebdgs/how_do_you_prevent_a_rape/
%
What do Crossfitters and Electricians have in common?

Lots of Circuit Training

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cebchg/what_do_crossfitters_and_electricians_have_in/
%
What is a gay mans favorite emoji?

It’s :D because he likes to put a D next to a colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceba34/what_is_a_gay_mans_favorite_emoji/
%
The person who invented the door knock

won the No-bell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceb70o/the_person_who_invented_the_door_knock/
%
After a long day of travelling, a husband and wife decide to stay in the nearest hotel.

They go straight to bed and are almost immediately sound asleep. The next morning, they wake up and ask for their bill.
"That'll be $300 each," said the manager.
"WHAT?! Why so expensive?!" demanded the husband, outraged.
"Well, there was the car valet, the swimming pool, the sauna..." responded the manager.
"But we didn't use any of those!"
"Yes, but they were there, had you wanted them."
The husband then reached for his wallet, took out $100 and handed it to the manager.
"No sir, I said $300 each," sighed the manager, shaking his head.
"Yeah but I'm charging $500 because you slept with my wife!"
"I did no such thing," said the manager, his cheeks reddening.
"But she was there, had you wanted her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceb6nc/after_a_long_day_of_travelling_a_husband_and_wife/
%
Watersports isn't for everyone

Either urine or you're out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceb557/watersports_isnt_for_everyone/
%
When Rumpelstiltskin was a young man, he lived in rural Kent.

In this part of Kent all the farmers grew hops for making beer. The fields were full of hops, and the countryside was dotted with oasts, little round buildings for drying them out.
Now, as you know, Rumpelstiltskin would go on to be famous for his magical ability to turn straw into solid gold, but he first learnt his skill using the local hops. Every night he went out with his little scythe, reaped a few hops from the corner of a field, and turned them into gold back at home. He knew it was dishonest, but he took such tiny quantities that the farmers never noticed.
Over time, though, Rumpelstiltskin noticed his gold was fetching less money at the market. His steady supply had driven the price of gold down, and he was going to need more hops to make the same money.
So he cleared bigger and bigger areas each night, and before long the farmers noticed there was a hop thief about. Worse, it was taking Rumpelstiltskin the entire night to gather all the hops that he needed. Soon he wouldn't have enough hours of darkness to keep up.
Just as things were looking bleak for him, Rumpelstiltskin had a brilliant idea. The farmers and labourers were already doing the time-consuming work of harvesting the hops and piling them up inside the oasts. If he wanted to grab hops quickly, he just had to break into one of the oasts. Instead of reaping the fields...
"Reap oasts," he murmured. "It might be stealing, but it's the quickest and easiest way to get gold."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceb1mx/when_rumpelstiltskin_was_a_young_man_he_lived_in/
%
How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The dishes start piling up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceatmg/how_can_you_tell_if_your_wife_is_dead/
%
A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night

When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.
That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.
The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and it's only £25 each, but I'll warn you now, there have been many reports of the building being haunted".
The couple don't think anything of it and make their way to the cheaper hotel and when they get there they pay the £25 each and ask the manager about the reported hauntings.
The manager says "Ah that's a load of rubbish! I've been here 300 years and never seen anything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceaqbi/a_man_and_his_wife_go_on_holiday_and_find_a_hotel/
%
I knew this chick who would give handjobs to anyone, regardless of their profession.

Jacks off all trades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceapnb/i_knew_this_chick_who_would_give_handjobs_to/
%
My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceaeb6/my_grandad_who_died_in_the_war_could_only_be_a/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a portrait of Jesus ?

The portrait only requires one nail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceabo9/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_portrait/
%
As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it
Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ceab40/as_a_child_i_had_a_medical_condition_where_i_had/
%
Nothing like selling an old man your selfies in skin tight outfits, covering strangers with your sticky white goo, and taking compromising photos when they’re vulnerable.

I sure loved the old Spiderman movies.
stolen from comments of r/showerthoughts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cea9lk/nothing_like_selling_an_old_man_your_selfies_in/
%
How do dragon-type Pokemon solve their disputes?

They let bagons be bagons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cea70j/how_do_dragontype_pokemon_solve_their_disputes/
%
What do you call a tree living in Russia?

Dimitree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cea18q/what_do_you_call_a_tree_living_in_russia/
%
So there we were, ten against ten thousand.

Boy, did we fuck those ten up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cea0pi/so_there_we_were_ten_against_ten_thousand/
%
What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce9ums/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
An alter boy's confession.

'Bless me Father,  for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose  girl'..
The priest asks,  'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it  is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you,  Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina  Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarilla?
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed..'
'Was it Rosa Di  Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I  admire that.  But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave  yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
4 months vacation and five good leads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce9ruj/an_alter_boys_confession/
%
I have just discovered that I have a logic fetish...

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce9q59/i_have_just_discovered_that_i_have_a_logic_fetish/
%
Why Can’t Blind People Bungee-Jump?

Because it scares the fuck out of the guide-dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce9o9z/why_cant_blind_people_bungeejump/
%
I lent an umbrella to girl yesterday.

It makes the total number of girls I have made wet this year to -1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce9mvv/i_lent_an_umbrella_to_girl_yesterday/
%
I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce9k1i/im_so_excited_for_the_new_toy_story_action_figures/
%
My friend told me to post a joke about maths so here’s one for you.

5^0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce9dio/my_friend_told_me_to_post_a_joke_about_maths_so/
%
What's a ducks favorite drug

Quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce9d44/whats_a_ducks_favorite_drug/
%
A man goes to confession...

"Father, last week I joined some colleagues for drinks after work. In the bar I got talking to a woman who couldn't have been more than 25. She was absolutely beautiful. I went home with her and her roommate ended up joining us. Father, I spent all weekend in a haze of sex with these two girls. We barely paused to sleep. We did it every which way, experimented with things I have never tried before and only after 48 hours with them did I make it back home."
"My child, are you a married man?"
"No, father"
"Have you got a partner you've been unfaithful to?"
"No father"
"Ok. Well how long has it been since your last confession?"
"I've never been to confession before, I'm not even Catholic."
"Wait, so if you're not a Catholic what are you telling me this for?"
"Oh, I'm telling everyone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce9b9x/a_man_goes_to_confession/
%
I’ve been working on a Scandinavian joke.

It would be Swede if I could Finnish it, but right now there’s just Norway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce97r1/ive_been_working_on_a_scandinavian_joke/
%
At birth I was given a choice.

Amazing memory or a huge dick.
I don’t remember what I picked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce95bl/at_birth_i_was_given_a_choice/
%
Jesus said unto John. “Come forth and you shall receive eternal life.”

John came fifth, and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce9562/jesus_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you_shall/
%
I went to a grocery store and a sign said "no food or drink"

So I went home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce8zv3/i_went_to_a_grocery_store_and_a_sign_said_no_food/
%
So many questions

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.
As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"
To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."
The man asks,"Jesus, why is life so hard?"
To which Jesus replies,"That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."
The man asks again,"How was the universe created?"
Jesus replies,"I'm sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce8zdw/so_many_questions/
%
I'm sick of the violent society today.

For example, a complete stranger came up to me and said "Hey mate, do you want decking?". Thankfully I'm pretty handy myself and I smacked him one first, but it shouldn't have been necessary.
Also I'm now barred from the garden centre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce8yqo/im_sick_of_the_violent_society_today/
%
Why is there so much hate around Roman Numeral Jokes?

I, for one, like Roman numerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce8v34/why_is_there_so_much_hate_around_roman_numeral/
%
Studies have shown:

100% of bald men have no hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce8ef7/studies_have_shown/
%
My car’s gone and a horse and carriage is in it’s place...

Something seems A-mish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce86b8/my_cars_gone_and_a_horse_and_carriage_is_in_its/
%
My wife leaves out her dildo

My wife leaves dildo out and my son sees it so i kick it under the bed.
Son: What was that?
Me: A mouse
Son: its sure had a big dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce809x/my_wife_leaves_out_her_dildo/
%
So, there's a guy sitting on the bench in the park.

He looks frustrated and he's whispering to himself: "F\*\*k this. Shit!!."
His friends observes this and comes to him and asks: "Yoo, what happened? What's wrong?"
He turn to his friend: "Do you really wanna know? Take a sit, and I will tell you all about it."
His friend sits next to him, ready to listen.
"So the thing is, apparently, this bench has been painted few hours ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7yuo/so_theres_a_guy_sitting_on_the_bench_in_the_park/
%
What do you call walking trails behind a mental facility?

Psycho-paths

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7xvl/what_do_you_call_walking_trails_behind_a_mental/
%
Monica Lewinski could’ve been a great White House secretary...

Too bad she blew that opportunity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7wu0/monica_lewinski_couldve_been_a_great_white_house/
%
What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7v4u/what_did_the_blonde_say_when_asked_if_her_turn/
%
Three friends find a magical pool in the forest.

The magical inscription beside it says "Run at this pool and jump in while screaming your desire. The pool shall be filled with whatever you wish for."
The first guy, being the sensible one, ran straight at it and shouted "MONEY!!!" True enough, he landed in a pool of cash up to his neck. Bagging it all up, he left and let his friends have their turn.
The second guy, wishing to be more original, ran straight at it and shouted "DIAMONDS!!!" Again, as expected, he fell into a pool of glittering diamonds up to his neck.
The last guy, utterly excited having seen the authenticity of the pool's magic, dashed straight at it faster than his two friends before him. As he was running so fast due to his excitement, he slipped just before he fell into the pool and cried out "SHIT!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7u5n/three_friends_find_a_magical_pool_in_the_forest/
%
I have survived an attempted murder

It was all going so well until the police came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7sy2/i_have_survived_an_attempted_murder/
%
I never understood school shooting jokes.

I guess they are just aimed at a younger audience.
Found on r/cursedcomments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7rbd/i_never_understood_school_shooting_jokes/
%
Doctor: Okay sir, we're going to deliver the baby now

Man: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7q89/doctor_okay_sir_were_going_to_deliver_the_baby_now/
%
He's right

Man on a ledge threatening to jump off of it. Crowd gathers to watch including his wife.
Wife: What are you doing?
Man: You always tell me I'm wrong! I can't do anything right. I'll just kill myself. You don't even love me!
Wife: I do love you. You are wrong.
Man: Jumps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7o69/hes_right/
%
Two couples decide to swap partners for the evening.

Couple 1: “Oh my goodness Morgan I’m so glad we swapped tonight. I needed this freak night”.   “Me too Dale. Let’s go see how the girls did!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7nt9/two_couples_decide_to_swap_partners_for_the/
%
When did Jesus become an Atheist

When he didn’t believe in himself as a teenager

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7mgs/when_did_jesus_become_an_atheist/
%
[NSFW] A boy asked his dad what the C word stood for.

Boy, "Dad, what's a cunt?"
The dad replied,  "Grab that marker over there and follow me."
He then went into his bedroom and grabbed a nude  picture of his ex-girlfriend out of his dresser. He showed his son the picture and circled the woman's crotch.
The dad said "You see that circle and the hair patch inside it? Well, everything outside it is a cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7lgr/nsfw_a_boy_asked_his_dad_what_the_c_word_stood_for/
%
I was told today the Liberals suck

It was at that point I realized why conservative men are so uptight all the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7jin/i_was_told_today_the_liberals_suck/
%
There are many invention in this world, but the shovel is absolutely...

Groundbreaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7gs1/there_are_many_invention_in_this_world_but_the/
%
“Do you mind if I say a word?”

A woman is sitting at her husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora” and sits back down.
“Thank you”, the woman says, “it means a lot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7g0e/do_you_mind_if_i_say_a_word/
%
An anti-semite walks into a bar

. He sees a Jew sitting at the table next to him, and he doesn't like it. "Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of good stuff for everyone except the Jew!"  Everyone gives a cheer and receives a glass of premium scotch each.   The anti-semite looks back at the Jew with a smug grin.  The Jew smiles back.  The anti-semite scowls and says, "Bartender! A round of your finest drink for everyone! Plus an appetizer!" He nods back at the Jew and adds, "For everyone but the Jew." The Jew is smiling even more.  Furious, the anti-semite asks, "Is this Jew stupid or is he just pretending to be?" "Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7eu2/an_antisemite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
10 Ways To Insult Your Friends With Math

10. You're obtuse.
9. You're not normal.
8. You're so negative.
7. You're not natural.
6. You're irrational.
5. You're odd.
4. You're past your prime.
2. You're such a square.
1. What friends? They are all ***i***maginary!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7e5l/10_ways_to_insult_your_friends_with_math/
%
What do you get when you buy 13 identical Muppets?

A beakers dozen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce7dj5/what_do_you_get_when_you_buy_13_identical_muppets/
%
Where do poor Italian people live?

The Spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce78bi/where_do_poor_italian_people_live/
%
Two armed men walk into a bar...

Occasionally a one armed man will also walk into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce725u/two_armed_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Two tampons are walking down the the street. A friend walks by. What do they say?

Nothing. They’re both stuck up cunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce6zsi/two_tampons_are_walking_down_the_the_street_a/
%
My neighbor was banging on my door at three in the morning.

It's a good fucking thing I was up playing my bagpipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce6z28/my_neighbor_was_banging_on_my_door_at_three_in/
%
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.
And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce6ytj/theres_a_man_sitting_at_a_bar_just_looking_at_his/
%
So, I'm on base when my sergeant calls me into his office.

He hands me the keys to his SUV and says "Look, I know it's not a new vehicle, but they recently stopped making this model.  It's important to me that it not get damaged.  I need you to take it and get it washed off-base."  I'm taking the duty really seriously, but when I drive by the woods I see this beautiful heard of deer.  I pull over to the side and look, and I'm not the only one, some lady in a car does the same, only she's got a bag of bread and she gets out of the car to feed them.  I expected them to bolt off, but they all start getting closer to her.  Then, suddenly, one of the does, completely indistinguishable from the rest, pulls a pistol on her.  She puts her hands up and I'm just in shock, and she backs away as the deer gets closer and motions with her hooves to me and sarge's Jeep.  I'm just in shock the entire time, so I don't think to peel away.  The deer forces the lady to get in the front seat and push me to the side, then she just starts driving.  She's completely freaked out, and almost immediately she hits a tree.  The doe jumps out right as the cops arrive, and the lady's fainted, and the police officer's asking me what the hell just happened.  All I can tell the guy is that a common deer commanded her to commandeer my commander's Commander.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce6tsz/so_im_on_base_when_my_sergeant_calls_me_into_his/
%
Doctor: Calm down David ! It’s just a minor surgery !

Patient: Doctor, I’m not David.
Doctor: I know that, I was talking to myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce6t7y/doctor_calm_down_david_its_just_a_minor_surgery/
%
My friend helped me move and dropped 20% of my couch on his foot

Ouch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce6r88/my_friend_helped_me_move_and_dropped_20_of_my/
%
Son: Dad, why is my sister's name "Rose"?

Dad: Because son, your Mother loves roses
Son: Thanks Dad
Dad: No problem Costco hotdog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce6lpt/son_dad_why_is_my_sisters_name_rose/
%
A man bought a parrot.

The parrot could only say one thing: "Who are you?" After pulling three all-nighters, the man finally taught the parrot to say, "Hi!" The man couldn't teach the parrot other things to say, so he gave up.
One day, the man left the parrot at home for work, forgetting he called a plumber. The plumber arrives, and rings the doorbell.
Parrot: Hi! Who are you?
Plumber: It's me! The plumber you called!
Parrot: Hi! Who are you?
Plumber: The plumber you called. Remember?
Parrot: Hi! Who are you?
Plumber: I'm the plumber!
Parrot: Hi! Who are you?
Plumber: I'M THE F\*\*\*\*\*\* PLUMBER!!
Parrot: Hi! Who are you?
Plumber: THE GODDAMN FU\*\*\*\*\* PLUMBER!!
\*continuously repeats until later\*
The man returns from work only to find a person unconscious at his front porch.
The man says to himself, "Who is this?"
And the parrot replies: "THE FU\*\*\*\*\* PLUMBER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce6je8/a_man_bought_a_parrot/
%
I'm breaking up with you

What, why?!
"Because all you ever talk about is fucking video games"
But babe please, this is such a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce6f5k/im_breaking_up_with_you/
%
My girlfriend just told me she has a schoolgirl fantasy.

But honestly, I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce6exl/my_girlfriend_just_told_me_she_has_a_schoolgirl/
%
I recently came into quite a bit of money.

In hindsight, I should have used tissues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce68p2/i_recently_came_into_quite_a_bit_of_money/
%
What do you call a deaf dog?

Anything you want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce65ni/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_dog/
%
What would happen if Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US?

He’d be rolling in his grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce64nb/what_would_happen_if_snoop_dogg_dies_before_pot/
%
Donald Trump heard about the Area 51 raid today and he said he wants to go.

He said, "if there are illegal aliens there I want to find them and send them back to their own planet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce61if/donald_trump_heard_about_the_area_51_raid_today/
%
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce5vg6/why_was_the_un_concerned_when_the_waiter_dropped/
%
Why did NASA fly to the Moon?

It's too far to walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce5v01/why_did_nasa_fly_to_the_moon/
%
A man is stranded on a small island. Few days have passed and while waiting for rescue, he starts to miss his wife and yearns for sex.

One day he happens to find a female boar on the island. He can no longer resist his temptation so he plans to let it all out on the boar. However, whenever he tries to make love to it, the boar starts fighting back and runs away. Days gone by and the same thing happens again and again - no matter what he tries he can't seem to make love to the boar. As he is about to give up, a miracle happens.
Another ship is wrecked and the only survivor is a hot chick who ends up stranded on the very same island he is in. During their encounter, the man walks up and says to her:
"While you're here, I'll make sure you have some food to eat and I will also provide you with a good shelter to sleep in. I have been living here for weeks and I know how to stay alive and keep you safe here while waiting for rescue."
Touched by the man's word, the woman asks: "Is there anything I can do in return for you? Anything at all?"
To his delight, the man inhales deeply before he replies:
"Yes. Can you please help me hold down that boar over there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce5ts1/a_man_is_stranded_on_a_small_island_few_days_have/
%
My wife keeps telling me I'm a cheapskate...

I'm not buying it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce5tpf/my_wife_keeps_telling_me_im_a_cheapskate/
%
Why did the stone mason get fired from his job?

He lost his tamper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce5kax/why_did_the_stone_mason_get_fired_from_his_job/
%
Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because a Jewish woman wont have anything unless its half off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce5jx9/why_are_jewish_men_circumcised/
%
Why do cemeteries have big fences around them?

Because people are dying to get in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce5f3x/why_do_cemeteries_have_big_fences_around_them/
%
Two gay deer walk into a gay bar.

They stay for about an hour. When they finally leave, one of them says to the other, “Damn, I can’t believe you blew 40 bucks back there...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce5dzq/two_gay_deer_walk_into_a_gay_bar/
%
A Smile Is Like A Fart

If you're trying too hard it's probably all shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce5c2r/a_smile_is_like_a_fart/
%
What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce59ni/what_do_you_call_a_fly_without_wings/
%
An old man always leaves his fishing trips with tons of fish.

-my recently deceased grandpa told this all his life-
The game warden always asked him “How’d you catch so many fish?”
The old man would always say “Fisherman’s secret, can’t tell you.”
After about a year of asking, the old man finally agrees to take him fishing. As the two get in the boat, the warden notices the old man has only a cooler with him, but the warden waits patiently before asking anymore questions.
They soon make it to a secluded bay where no one seems to fish, the old man reaches in his cooler and pulls out a stick of dynamite. The old man lights it and hands it to the warden.
“You can’t do that!” the warden exclaims “that’s illegal!”
the old man says “you gonna talk or you gonna fish!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce54qh/an_old_man_always_leaves_his_fishing_trips_with/
%
What do you call a crocodile on drugs?

You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce501r/what_do_you_call_a_crocodile_on_drugs/
%
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly...
com-for-da-bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce4zjp/two_sisters_one_blonde_and_one_brunette_inherit/
%
Did you hear Attorney General William Barr is secretly gay?

A Barr walks into a guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce4vd6/did_you_hear_attorney_general_william_barr_is/
%
BREAKING NEWS!!!!

A woman is in the process of suing one of the country's leading hospitals, stating that following treatment her husband has lost all interest in sex with her.
The hospital concerned in their defence stated: "We merely rectified his vision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce4uqq/breaking_news/
%
I’m really starting to get along with my skin cancer

You could say it’s really growing on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce4u8x/im_really_starting_to_get_along_with_my_skin/
%
Props to the rain

It gets all the girls wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce4tcx/props_to_the_rain/
%
Life is like toilet paper...

You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce4ow9/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
%
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce4kub/whats_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
%
Never trust a volleyball-playin bartender...

They might spike your drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce4h31/never_trust_a_volleyballplayin_bartender/
%
Person 1: What came first the chicken or the egg?

Person 2: I'm pretty sure the rooster came first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce4eeu/person_1_what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
A wife finds her husband sipping some rum on the patio, he says, "I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you". The wife asks, "Is that you talking, or the rum?"

He replied, "That's me, talking to the rum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce4e1a/a_wife_finds_her_husband_sipping_some_rum_on_the/
%
Girls are exactly like times tables...

If they’re below 12 just do them in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce48mm/girls_are_exactly_like_times_tables/
%
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce44k7/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
%
I don't get school shooter jokes

I think they are targeted at a much younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce3y79/i_dont_get_school_shooter_jokes/
%
What do the mafia and the pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce3u7s/what_do_the_mafia_and_the_pussy_have_in_common/
%
Doctor: We're going to have to remove your colon

Me Why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce3u26/doctor_were_going_to_have_to_remove_your_colon/
%
What was Whitney Houston’s favourite genre of porn?

HENTAIIIIIIIIEEEEEAAIIIIII

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce3peb/what_was_whitney_houstons_favourite_genre_of_porn/
%
Never trust Velcro shoes

They’re a real rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce3n82/never_trust_velcro_shoes/
%
This just in: a horrible fishing accident in Thailand.

Several boys found in fishnets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce3l8s/this_just_in_a_horrible_fishing_accident_in/
%
What do you call a gangsta sewing group?

Nittas With Attitude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce3kwp/what_do_you_call_a_gangsta_sewing_group/
%
It had been a great night at the circus, but the climax was yet to come...

For the grand finale, the crocodile tamer came to the center of the tent. He let the crocodile do some tricks before letting him jump on the table, preparing for the great climax.
The tamer asked the audience for absolute silence. He opened the jaws of the crocodile, pulled out his penis, and put them slightly into the mouth of the crocodile, letting his business rest on the bottom teeth of the predator... You could hear a needle drop, everyone looked in agony.
All of a sudden, the tamer slammed the top of the head of the crocodile really hard, causing him to close his snout at vicious speed. People screamed, but they were surprised to see the tamer unharmed. The crocodile had left a space of less than one inch between his teeth and the man’s dick. The crowd went crazy!
After all the applause, the tamer said: “Is there anyone in the audience who is willing to try?”
An old lady stood up and mumbled: “I want to, but please don’t slap my head that hard...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce3hye/it_had_been_a_great_night_at_the_circus_but_the/
%
Wife: I'm pregnant

Dad: Hey pregnant,  I'm dad
Wife: No you're not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce3f72/wife_im_pregnant/
%
The school I went to was so rough that they had to check students for weapons at the gate.

If you didn’t have one, they gave you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce3ed7/the_school_i_went_to_was_so_rough_that_they_had/
%
Girl: Look mommy, my (you know what) is growing hair!

Mom: That's okay, it's natural that we grow hair on our monkeys!
Girl: Look sister, I'm growing hair on my monkey!
Sister: That's nothing, my monkeys already eating bananas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce3czf/girl_look_mommy_my_you_know_what_is_growing_hair/
%
Went to a haunted french restaurant the other day...

That place gave me the crepes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce3cuv/went_to_a_haunted_french_restaurant_the_other_day/
%
What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner's on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce3bi9/what_did_one_plate_say_to_the_other_plate/
%
People keep talking about how they’re going to raid Area 51

Don’t they know that Donald Trump is moving all the aliens to Mexico?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce37ve/people_keep_talking_about_how_theyre_going_to/
%
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college!

Seriously, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce36nd/thank_you_student_loans_for_getting_me_through/
%
I like my women like I like my cars

1-2 previous owners, no major damage and a big trunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce36g4/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_cars/
%
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive.

10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce3614/just_put_a_deposit_down_on_a_brand_new_porsche/
%
What do you call a vault with a lock and bodyguards protecting it?

Safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce311x/what_do_you_call_a_vault_with_a_lock_and/
%
What's the difference between a brown bear on a bicycle and a black bear on a bicycle?

Bearly much, they're bicycly the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce2yl3/whats_the_difference_between_a_brown_bear_on_a/
%
TIL That some hamsters die during sex.

At least the ones I fucked did.
(FYI, my lady parts are lovely, and have never killed anyone...yet.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce2vaz/til_that_some_hamsters_die_during_sex/
%
A trucker's wife set out to buy a parrot.

She gets to the pet store and sees three of them for sale.
$150, $170, and $10.
She asks why the third one is so cheap and the pet store owner explains it used to live in a whore house. The woman laughs and buys it.
She gets home and the parrot says, "wow! A new whore house!" The woman laughs..
Her two daughters get home and he says, "dang! Two new gals!!" They all laugh.
When her husband walks in the parrots says, "Hey Joe! I see you've found the new place!"
..and that's how the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce2paw/a_truckers_wife_set_out_to_buy_a_parrot/
%
What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce2jre/what_do_you_call_a_denim_expert/
%
You know, considering how dangerous autoerotic asphyxiation is...

Partakers never know whether they're coming or going!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce2j9g/you_know_considering_how_dangerous_autoerotic/
%
Why does a dwarf laugh when he runs?

Because the grass tickles his balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce2cdc/why_does_a_dwarf_laugh_when_he_runs/
%
There is a reason why "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is such a well known song.

The desire to sing it is only ever a whim away.
A whim away.
A whim away a whim away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce29bm/there_is_a_reason_why_the_lion_sleeps_tonight_is/
%
I just spent half a day creating a belt made entirely out of watches

A total waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce26nv/i_just_spent_half_a_day_creating_a_belt_made/
%
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce233v/a_young_man_goes_into_a_drugstore_to_buy_condoms/
%
What's the chemical formula of ice?

Answer: H2O³

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce22sw/whats_the_chemical_formula_of_ice/
%
What do you call a army of disabled people?

Special forces

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce20y1/what_do_you_call_a_army_of_disabled_people/
%
Smokers are great people to go camping with

You can easily outrun them if a Bear attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce2022/smokers_are_great_people_to_go_camping_with/
%
3 men meet at the top of a tall building with a wizard

The wizard said "If you jump off the building and say the name of an object, that object will appear beneath you."
The first guy, being the luckiest, jumps and yells "PILLOWS." Pillows appear beneath him and he lands on them safely.
The second guy jumps and yells "HAY." He lands safely on the hay.
As the third just is running, he slips and yells "OH SHIT!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce1vh7/3_men_meet_at_the_top_of_a_tall_building_with_a/
%
We should send all sex offenders to Area 51...

Aliens vs. Predators.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce1v8y/we_should_send_all_sex_offenders_to_area_51/
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I went to the restroom at a restaurant and noticed the chef didn’t wash his hands.

Upon seeing me he smiled, winked, and said, “urine for a treat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce1l3o/i_went_to_the_restroom_at_a_restaurant_and/
%
I f*ck like a gentleman.

The pleasure's all mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce1ksv/i_fck_like_a_gentleman/
%
One day a father took his two children to a zoo.

They were having a great time, until one realized the lion was acting strangely. Almost human like. So the father decides to tell one of the zoo employees. He leans over and says,”our lion died last week, so we hired a replacement”. The father didn’t bother to tell his children and went on with the day. After a while, they find themselves at the monkey cage. It was time for the monkey’s “show” to start. The family sits down and watches. One monkey grabs a vine and swings from the top of the cage over the edge and right into the lions den. Since the lion was human, he starts crying “help help! There’s a monkey!” The monkey looks at him and says,”shutup you idiot or you’re gonna get us both fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce1gho/one_day_a_father_took_his_two_children_to_a_zoo/
%
I went out on a date with Bigfoot thinking he would be a nice guy.

Yeti stood me up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce1e1d/i_went_out_on_a_date_with_bigfoot_thinking_he/
%
What do you call a Syrian flying a plane

A Pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce1cdz/what_do_you_call_a_syrian_flying_a_plane/
%
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."
"If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce18k9/the_day_after_a_man_lost_his_wife_in_a_scuba/
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Every generation thinks the next one is not as good or hard working.

I'm not sure that's true, but we'll see what those lazy, freeloading teenagers think of the generation after them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce18fq/every_generation_thinks_the_next_one_is_not_as/
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3 death sentenced prisoners wait for the electric chair

3 prisoners are waiting for their eminent death on their execution day. One Black Man, one White Man, and One Moron. The warden walks up and gets everything set up.
He calls the Black Man forward, "John Jones, sentenced for Murder in the first degree. Any last words?"
"I to this day claim my innocence", says John.
Warden flips the switch. Nothing happens.
"Million to one odds, you're free to go John", the warden says.
Warden calls the White man up, "James Hill, your next! Any last words?"
"I too, am innocent!" says James.
Warden flips the switch, and again nothing happens.
"Billion to one odds, you're free to go James", the warden says.
Finally the Warden calls the Moron up, "Steven Smith, Any last words?"
"Well first off Warden, you forgot to plug in the chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce131a/3_death_sentenced_prisoners_wait_for_the_electric/
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Why would Gordan Ramsey never have unprotected sex with a man?

Because it's fucking raw!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce0yfo/why_would_gordan_ramsey_never_have_unprotected/
%
A racist, a rapist, and a President walk into a bar...

...in Mar-a-Lago. The bartender says, "Good Morning Donald, all by yourself today?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce0sxv/a_racist_a_rapist_and_a_president_walk_into_a_bar/
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Drunk On A Bus

A very drunk man gets on a bus and stumbles into the seat next to a priest. His tie is stained, his face is covered in lipstick smears and a half full bottle of scotch is sticking out his coat pocket.
He opens his newspaper and starts to read, but after a few minutes turns to the priest and asks, "Hey father, do you have any idea what causes arthritis?"
"Yes," replied the priest, "it's caused by loose living, going with cheap wicked women, drinking to much alcohol and showing complete contempt  for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned," muttered the drunk and returns to reading his paper.
The bus carries on its way a few minutes later the priest feeling guilty about what he had said nudges the drunk and apologies to him.
"I'm very sorry," he said, "that was mean spirited and unchristian of me. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
"I haven't," replied the drunk,"l was just reading here that the Pope has it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce0ssy/drunk_on_a_bus/
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Why was Sauron always adding entrances to his tower?

Because he lived in Mordor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce0r32/why_was_sauron_always_adding_entrances_to_his/
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My wife asked me why I always spoke so quietly in the house...

I told her “I’m afraid Mark Zuckerberg would hear me.”
She laughed.  I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce0mbe/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_always_spoke_so_quietly_in/
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Her - Come over

Me - I can't, I'm under arrest for double homicide.
Her - My parents aren't home.
Me - ..about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce0hj3/her_come_over/
%
Johnny was daydreaming in class when the teacher called on him

“Johnny, if there are five birds on a wire and one gets shot how many are left?”
After thinking for a brief second Johnny responds “zero”
The teacher looks at him inquisitively and states. “Johnny, five minus one is four”
To which Johnny replies “yes but if you shoot one bird the other four would fly off so none would be left”
Teacher: “Well Johnny that’s not the answer I was looking for but I like the way you think”
Johnny: “well teacher you are always asking us questions can I can you one?”
Wondering where this was going the teacher reluctantly agrees.
So Johnny asks: “Three women are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is liking the ice cream, another is nibbling on the end, and finally the last one just shoves the whole thing in her mouth. Which one is married?”
Without giving it much thought the teacher responds. “Well I’d assume the one that just eats it whole”
Johnny smirks “No it’s the one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you think!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce098e/johnny_was_daydreaming_in_class_when_the_teacher/
%
If I had a dollar for every time women found me unattractive

They would eventually find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ce086v/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_women_found_me/
%
how do you make a hot dog stand?

take away its chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdzw6m/how_do_you_make_a_hot_dog_stand/
%
I once farted in an elevator...

It was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdztwk/i_once_farted_in_an_elevator/
%
They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdzrch/they_say_you_cant_get_a_decent_job_without/
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What do you call a bisexual who can't get men and women to fall in love with them?

Bi-yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdzm6f/what_do_you_call_a_bisexual_who_cant_get_men_and/
%
At work they gave us cookies to remember the Apollo 11 launch.

I can't wait for the Apollo 1 memorial BBQ!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdzh5p/at_work_they_gave_us_cookies_to_remember_the/
%
I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?'

He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder.
I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdz9vu/i_actually_had_anxiety_for_so_long_i_went_to_a/
%
I was about to post a joke about Sodium

Then I said to myself "Na, people won't get it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdz5cg/i_was_about_to_post_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
How do you kill an anti-vaxxer?

Just kick back and relax, they’ll do it themself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdz1g1/how_do_you_kill_an_antivaxxer/
%
Why are there so many ants in Paris?

Because it's France.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdyx53/why_are_there_so_many_ants_in_paris/
%
A man walks into a bar

On his way to the counter he sees a very tiny man playing the piano. Weird, he says to himself, but he doesn't think much of it.
When he gets to the counter, he sees that the  bartender is absent, so he sits down to wait. Just as he sits down, a genie appears.
"I can grant you one wish. Choose wisely.", the spirit announces.
"Hmm,", the man says for a few seconds before deciding. "I want a million bucks!", he suddenly shouts.
"Here you go", the genie replies, and suddenly, one by one, ducks start appearing around him.
"I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"
"Forget it, that genie always mishears.", the bartender says walking out from the back.
"Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdyvmn/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing because they’re both stuck up bitches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdyv2i/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
Lion king comes to the theaters and

Simba was moving slow so I told him to mufasa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdyuxn/lion_king_comes_to_the_theaters_and/
%
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdysns/a_married_man_went_into_the_confessional_and_said/
%
A guy with a stutter died in prison

before he could finish his sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdysg4/a_guy_with_a_stutter_died_in_prison/
%
In math class a boy is asked how high he thinks the school is.

Boy: "I reckon about 4'8"
Teacher: "That is utterly ridiculous how do you get this idea"
Boy: "Well I'm 5' and I have it up till here with this."
Off course he gets kicked out. Sitting in the yard the Principal comes by and asks what's up.
Boy: "I got kicked out for guessing the schools height wrong"
Principal: "I don't belive that. How high do you guess I am?"
Boy: "about 6'2 "
Pricipal: "correct. On the spot. How did you know that?"
Boy: "Well my brother is half and idiot and he's 3'1"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdys7g/in_math_class_a_boy_is_asked_how_high_he_thinks/
%
I watched Schindler's List last night and only used a couple of tissues

If it wasn't for that shower scene I wouldn't of needed any

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdyr2u/i_watched_schindlers_list_last_night_and_only/
%
A young man with 3 testicles goes to see a doctor

The man is really self-conscious about having 3 testicles, and he's afraid it can badly affect his health if he doesn't get himself checked, so he decides to see a doctor. However, he reckons that seeing a female doctor would be very awkward so he makes sure it is a male doctor he's seeing
**Man:** doctor, I have a very rare condition but I'm too embarrassed to say what it is
**Doctor:** you have to tell me son so I can help you, it's ok all the information you share with me is confidential
**Man:** ok, so hmm how do I put this..... Ok got it, let's just say that in this room right now there is a total of 5 testicles.
**Doctor:** WTF so you only have one?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdypvk/a_young_man_with_3_testicles_goes_to_see_a_doctor/
%
What’s the difference between American and Iranian girls?

American girls get stoned before sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdymcz/whats_the_difference_between_american_and_iranian/
%
"Whale whale whale look who it is." My buddy hates when I visit him at the aquarium.

He says I'm not using the word for its intended porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdyiip/whale_whale_whale_look_who_it_is_my_buddy_hates/
%
What’s the best way for a tailor to get someone’s attention?

A hem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdye4l/whats_the_best_way_for_a_tailor_to_get_someones/
%
What are swimmers afraid of dying from?

A bad stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdyb01/what_are_swimmers_afraid_of_dying_from/
%
How many Jedi does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obi-wan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdy73n/how_many_jedi_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
In America, dogs are K9

In China, dogs are E10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdy5z9/in_america_dogs_are_k9/
%
The leaders of Russia, North Korea and the United States fly up to the international space station...

Upon their arrival, they all marvel at the view of the earth from such magnificent heights. They begin to toss around ideas of ways they could all benefit from the ISS.
The Russian leader talks about all of the opportunities to use imaging to spy on people from outerspace. The other leaders nod silently in agreement.
Next up, the North Korean leader begins to talk about the potential to use the space station as the point of origin for interstellar ballistics. The other leaders, again, nod in agreement.
Many minutes pass before both the Russian and North Korean leaders turn to the leader of the United States, looking for his input on the situation...
The leader of the United States looks up from his phone confused and asks... "Do either of you know the wifi password on this thing? I've got to tweet at all the communists back home about how cordial and democratic our talks have been!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdy4ks/the_leaders_of_russia_north_korea_and_the_united/
%
Having sex in an elevator

Is wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdy2qx/having_sex_in_an_elevator/
%
Hugh Jackman, Keanu Reeves and Tom Hanks walk into a bar;

eat, pay respectfully and leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdy09g/hugh_jackman_keanu_reeves_and_tom_hanks_walk_into/
%
Occupation?

Angela Merkel arrives in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdxwfs/occupation/
%
A guy is driving home from work on the freeway

On his way home he gets a call from his wife
"I'm watching the news right now and a man is driving the wrong way on freeway. I just want you to be safe." Says the wife
"Honey you won't believe it, but there are hundreds of people driving the wrong way." Says the husband

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdxsc4/a_guy_is_driving_home_from_work_on_the_freeway/
%
We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51

Alien Vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdxr6s/we_should_send_sex_offenders_to_storm_area_51/
%
Why do Beyblade professionals have no kids

Their pull out game is strong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdxqsk/why_do_beyblade_professionals_have_no_kids/
%
I’m writing this from the hospital and the doctors said I’m extremely lucky. Today I fell off a 20ft ladder

Lucky for me I was only on the first step, thanks for the thoughts and prayers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdxqfo/im_writing_this_from_the_hospital_and_the_doctors/
%
When I was born I was given two choices, to have a big dick, or have amazing memory...

I don’t remember what I picked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdxpr5/when_i_was_born_i_was_given_two_choices_to_have_a/
%
A young woman walks into a confessional

A beautiful young woman walks into a confessional, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned, I made wild passionate love to a man after he told me I was special, and beautiful and the only one in the world for him"
The priest tsks, but remembering the follies of youth, lets her off easy "100 Hail Mary's my child, and God will forgive you"
Then a middle age mother of two walks in, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned, I made wild passionate love to a man after he told me I was special, and beautiful and the only one in the world for him"
The priest is shocked, a grown woman should know better, but we all make mistakes, so he tells her "1,000 hail Mary's my child, and I'll see you at 6 am mass for the rest of the year."
Next,  the 60 year old mother superior walks into the confessional. ""Father, forgive me, for I have sinned, I made wild passionate love to a man after..."
"Enough!" The priest yells, "A woman such as yourself, should not fall for such silver-tongued woo. 10,000 Hail Marys and I'll see you every Saturday and Sunday to clean the whole church from top to bottom.
Finally a man enters the confessional, "Father forgive me for I have sinned..."
The priest looks at him with tears in his eyes, "Oh, fuck you Dave, I thought what we had was special!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdxktn/a_young_woman_walks_into_a_confessional/
%
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years....

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't  been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket  to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdximg/an_elderly_man_in_louisiana_had_owned_a_large/
%
A soldier ran up to a nun...

.. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After  the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,  "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to  Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The  nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a  greater pair of balls also…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdxg8g/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
%
I asked my boss why the older, spanish-speaking cleaning ladies get so much special treatment.

He said that's just the way it goes, they have senora-ty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdxfno/i_asked_my_boss_why_the_older_spanishspeaking/
%
My friends invited me to barbecue night yesterday. I said no but now I'm regretting it.

That was a missed steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdxco8/my_friends_invited_me_to_barbecue_night_yesterday/
%
At the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.

People gave me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdx97x/at_the_gym_i_decided_to_hop_on_a_treadmill/
%
Signed up my friends on a gay dating site...

but his email was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdx1im/signed_up_my_friends_on_a_gay_dating_site/
%
What does pure gold taste like?

Crunchy. Because it is comprised of 24 carrots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdwytz/what_does_pure_gold_taste_like/
%
A guy walks into a bar....

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.  A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.  The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.  He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked.  Man, she is fine!"  The biker looked at him and didn't say a word.  His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing.  His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"  The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdwxog/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Ft. Knox?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdwvzk/what_did_the_burglar_say_after_detonating_a_bomb/
%
Where does the Devil do his washing up?

In Helsinki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdwshk/where_does_the_devil_do_his_washing_up/
%
Snake is 95% neck

but only 80% nake'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdwnzo/snake_is_95_neck/
%
Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

Student: You told me not to use tables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdwl7w/teacher_why_are_you_doing_your_multiplication_on/
%
What's the opposite of a waterfall?

A firefly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdwgyt/whats_the_opposite_of_a_waterfall/
%
WARNING! SCAM ALERT!

Be on the lookout for two very attractive women. They are hanging out around local food stores.
When you are putting your groceries away they ask you for a ride to McDonald’s. They are very convincing and very hot! Once in your car the one takes her clothes off and starts climbing all over you, while she keeps you busy, the other one takes your wallet.
I’ve had mine taken on the 7th,8th, 10th and twice last week, probably two more times tomorrow if I can find them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdwg5s/warning_scam_alert/
%
Mickey meets with his lawyer to discuss getting a divorce from Minnie

The lawyer looks over Mickey's requested divorce terms for the house no alimony.
"Mickey I just don't think you have a case you can't divorce Minnie just because she's a little odd"
Mickey turns to his lawyer and says "I didn't say she was odd I said she was fucking Goofy"*
*read or share in  Mickey's voice to hugely improve the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdwfy5/mickey_meets_with_his_lawyer_to_discuss_getting_a/
%
What do you call a black and white bra?

Zebra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdwde9/what_do_you_call_a_black_and_white_bra/
%
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valet when they grow up!

Doctor: wow that's the worse case of parking sons disease I've come across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdwa7g/dad_doctor_all_five_of_my_boys_want_to_be_valet/
%
When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdw46g/when_i_was_younger_the_local_priest_told_me_that/
%
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdw427/in_a_crowded_city_at_a_bus_stop_a_beautiful_young/
%
In Heaven the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss..

In Hell..
The cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdvyzt/in_heaven_the_cooks_are_french_the_policemen_are/
%
Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby out the window?

He was airing his blanket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdvuro/why_did_michael_jackson_dangle_his_baby_out_the/
%
I hear a lot that math jokes aren't funny. Solve this if you can

230-220*0.5=
You won't believe the answer is 5!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdvrs4/i_hear_a_lot_that_math_jokes_arent_funny_solve/
%
[long] A boy applies for a sales position at a huge department store.

A boy decides to apply for a job at a huge department store. The HR person is hesitant to hire him because of the boy's lack of experience, but because the kid has a certain charm, the HR person decides to give the boy a chance:
"It's Friday today; I'll let you work here for one day. If you help enough customers and close enough deals, I'll hire you; if you don't then I'll fire you at the end of the day and you'll only get paid for one day."
"Deal!" says the boy, and starts working.
At the end of the day, the boy is invited to evaluate the day with the HR manager:
"So, tell me; how many customers did you help today?"
"One." says the boy.
"Oh, that's WAY too few; most of your colleagues help over 50 customers on a typical day. How much money did that customer spend?"
"Oh, little over 50k."
"Wow! That's GREAT! What did the customer buy?"
"Well, I sold him a fishing rod for $59. Then we talked for a while, and I asked him if he wouldn't like to go fishing on his own boat. So I sold him a small boat for $4400. But the guy didn't live near water, so I recommended he also buy a trailer for his boat: $1800. We talked some more and I found out that he owned a crappy Eastern European car that didn't have nearly enough power to tow the boat. So I sold him a new car as well: $44k."
The HR manager is thoroughly impressed:
"You're an AMAZING sales person... A guy comes in to buy a fishing rod and you sell him more than 50k worth of stuff!!"
"Oh, no! He didn't come to buy a fishing rod; he came in to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend. So I said to him: *Looks like you won't be getting lucky this weekend; you might as well go fishing.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdvotg/long_a_boy_applies_for_a_sales_position_at_a_huge/
%
"If you were offered $50K for free but to accept the offer, the person you hate the most will receive $100K, would you do it?"

"Sure I would. Why would I decline $150K?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdvlwo/if_you_were_offered_50k_for_free_but_to_accept/
%
Only anti-vaxers will get this.

Measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdvldv/only_antivaxers_will_get_this/
%
I don’t know what the shop assistant laced my new shoes with....

But I’ve been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdvjq5/i_dont_know_what_the_shop_assistant_laced_my_new/
%
I tried committing suicide today,

never doing that shit again I almost killed myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdvgx7/i_tried_committing_suicide_today/
%
It’s a shame your friend has to be de-atomized today.

He will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdve31/its_a_shame_your_friend_has_to_be_deatomized_today/
%
My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.

We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdvd76/my_grandpa_went_to_vietnam_and_he_shot_and_killed/
%
A farmer bought a breeding cow from the market.

It was a purebred and the farmer was very happy with the purchase. But when he took the cow to the bull for mating, the cow would just sit on its rump and not let the bull mount her.
The farmer was understandably upset, so he took the cow to the vet. After listening about the problem, the vet asked:
‘Did you buy it from Minnesota’?
‘Yes’, asked the astonished farmer. ‘How did you know?’
‘My wife is from Minnesota’ answered the vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdvcy6/a_farmer_bought_a_breeding_cow_from_the_market/
%
German spies during world war two.

So my dad told me it a few years back and I still like it.
That's how it goes:
During world war II  the Germans trained these super duper mega ultra spies.
They could speak fluent English, fluent French and fluent Russian.
Knew the history of every said enemy country.
Knew how to behave in every said country.
If you'd see one on the street you'd never guess they're German.
On the first mission of these two spies, the Germans send them right into the centre parts of London.
They give them British passports and IDs all to fit in as smoothly as possible.
After spending a couple days in London, they wake up one morning and decide to go for a walk on the streets to check for enemy intelligence via newspaper, rumors on the street etcetera.
While walking down the street they see a pub on their left side.
one German looks at the other and says
"You know, I always wanted to try the Martini of these English pigs".
They cross the road and the walk inside the pub, come up to the bartender and ask for martini.
The bartender looks at them and asks "martini dry"?
The Germans, confused, look at each other, and reply:
"Nein. Zwei."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdvcqx/german_spies_during_world_war_two/
%
I finally met someone who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

We’re going on a date next week...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdvcg8/i_finally_met_someone_who_shares_my_fetish_for/
%
What is the one thing that professional poker players & plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdvatg/what_is_the_one_thing_that_professional_poker/
%
What do Canadian horses eat?

Ey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdv957/what_do_canadian_horses_eat/
%
A 23 year old girl offered me sex . In exchange , I was supposed to advertise for some kind of bathroom cleaner.

But I declined. Because I am a person with high moral standards and a strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax , the supper strong bathroom cleaner. More available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdv8vx/a_23_year_old_girl_offered_me_sex_in_exchange_i/
%
The year 2120 in a classroom.

Teacher: "That anti-vaccination movement eventually died out in the beginning of the 21st century."
Student: "I'm glad they finally came to their senses."
Teacher: "No. It was Polio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdv7gi/the_year_2120_in_a_classroom/
%
A girlfriend....

Yeah I don't get it either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdv7ep/a_girlfriend/
%
What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdv1r2/what_do_you_get_when_you_break_the_world_record/
%
Where to Canadian alcoholics go to sober up?

Eh Eh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cduyme/where_to_canadian_alcoholics_go_to_sober_up/
%
A father once told his son, "Excessive masturbation will lead to blindness."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cduwhp/a_father_once_told_his_son_excessive_masturbation/
%
My friend hates it when I mispronounce french words

It's a touché subject between us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdur1b/my_friend_hates_it_when_i_mispronounce_french/
%
A woman walks into an ice cream parlour

and askes for a scoop of chocolate ice cream. "Im sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream" "Ok. Then I guess I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream." "Sorry. But we dont have any more chocolate ice cream." "Alright. Then can I have a quart of chocolate ice cream?" "Ma'am. How do you spell the "van" in "vanilla?"" "V-A-N" "And how do you spell the "straw" in "strawberry?"" "S-T-R-A-W" "And how do you spell the "fuck" in "chocolate?"" "...There is no fuck in chocolate." "That's what I've been trying to tell you this entire time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdunw7/a_woman_walks_into_an_ice_cream_parlour/
%
What's a group of people with ADHD?

a Non-Concentration camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdunhm/whats_a_group_of_people_with_adhd/
%
The Christian says: “The Jews and Muslims are wrong.”

The Muslim says: “The Christians and Jews are wrong.”
The Jew says: “The Muslims and Christians are wrong.”
The Atheist says: “You *all* are *correct*.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdul5w/the_christian_says_the_jews_and_muslims_are_wrong/
%
I've been told I'm pretty..

Actually, the person said "you're pretty dumb", but I'm focusing on the positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cduigd/ive_been_told_im_pretty/
%
A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."  "Where's Donald Trump's clock?" "His clock is in Jesus' office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cduemk/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
Why didn't the elephant buy the car?

It didn't have enough trunk space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdue13/why_didnt_the_elephant_buy_the_car/
%
How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends how hard you throw them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdu9fm/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_house/
%
I will die in a month

but don't know in which one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdu8zu/i_will_die_in_a_month/
%
Judy walks into a dinner party with a much older man.

At dinner, the lady sitting next to the woman turns to her and says, "My, that's a beautiful diamond you're wearing. In fact, I think it's the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!"
"Thank you," replies Judy. "This is the Plotnick Diamond."
"The Plotnick Diamond? Is there a story to it?"
"Oh yes, the diamond comes with a curse."
"A curse?" asks the lady. "What curse?"
"Mr. Plotnick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdu8hs/judy_walks_into_a_dinner_party_with_a_much_older/
%
I just burnt 400 calories.

I left the popcorn in the microwave for too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdu3y7/i_just_burnt_400_calories/
%
I saw a woman crying in the supermarket

So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit.
It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 in the car park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdu0qe/i_saw_a_woman_crying_in_the_supermarket/
%
How did the pharaoh get so rich?

He was running a huge pyramid scheme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdtxee/how_did_the_pharaoh_get_so_rich/
%
My son got kicked out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.....

I told him, "*Son that's 3 schools this year, maybe teaching isn't for you*".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdtwsr/my_son_got_kicked_out_of_school_today_for_letting/
%
What did the toast say when he fell down the stairs?

"Crust Almighty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdtqxq/what_did_the_toast_say_when_he_fell_down_the/
%
Think of 43

Just take a minute and think of the number 43.
It is not divisible by any smaller number, except 1.
It is a prime number!
Isn't that nice?
Thank you for your undivided attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdtong/think_of_43/
%
A man goes to see the doctor about his weight

After getting off the scales the doctor starts to explain that he is too heavy for his height, being only 5’10 he is actually the weight of a healthy 6’ man.
When the man arrives home his wife asks if the doctor confirmed that he is over weight and needs to slim down.
Happily the man replies no, I’m not overweight at all however I am 2 inches too short.
Advanced apologised for formatting and grammar. You guys get the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdtmlm/a_man_goes_to_see_the_doctor_about_his_weight/
%
A man was walking naked in a wildlife park.

All the animals began to run away.
A lion ran past a deer who had no idea what what was going on.
Completely confused, the deer asked: "Why the heck are we even running?"
The lion replied: "Are you kidding me? Haven't you seen that strange animal with the tail in front?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdti5u/a_man_was_walking_naked_in_a_wildlife_park/
%
My dad is a feminist

"Just your dad? How about your mum?"
"Oh he doesn't allow that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdtf3k/my_dad_is_a_feminist/
%
Jewish couple talking after getting robbed

Wife: Moisha, is it true that the robbers took all of our jewelry?
Husband: Yes, its true...
W: Why did you tell them where its hidden?
H: Well, you see, they stuck a soldering iron up my ass and put a regular iron on my stomach and turned them on.
W: And what? You just told them where it is?
H: Well what the hell was I supposed to do? Let them run up the electricity bill??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdtc9k/jewish_couple_talking_after_getting_robbed/
%
Instead of storming Area-51, we should storm Vatican

They can’t rape us all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdtblj/instead_of_storming_area51_we_should_storm_vatican/
%
My wife told me to chill with the dinosaur jokes.

I told her Jurassicing a lot of me.
Yes it is terrible, yes I am a dad and yes ill stop scrolling and go to bed now. Salam my friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdt99o/my_wife_told_me_to_chill_with_the_dinosaur_jokes/
%
Less and less people are buying into religion.

Prophets are down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdt98m/less_and_less_people_are_buying_into_religion/
%
Did you hear about the football team that wants to change their name to the "Tampons"?

Because they are only good for one period and have no second string.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdt1v4/did_you_hear_about_the_football_team_that_wants/
%
I have opinions about many insects,

But I can say for a fact that mosquitos suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdsvth/i_have_opinions_about_many_insects/
%
An Englishman and a Frenchman are going to the market

On their last stop for food, they decide to purchase some bread from a local baker.
Suddenly, the bread stand falls on the Englishman and injures him severely.
He yells out, intensely, “The pain!!”
Then the Frenchman yells just as loudly “ Le pain!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdsrr8/an_englishman_and_a_frenchman_are_going_to_the/
%
I love puns about the eyes.

The cornea the better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdskkl/i_love_puns_about_the_eyes/
%
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?

They get hooked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdsjw0/what_happens_when_fish_start_an_addiction_to_worms/
%
Australians don't have sex

Australians mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdsikp/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
A rich man and a poor man are talking

and they realize that both of their wives have birthdays coming up. So the poor man asks the rich man “What are you getting your wife for her birthday?”. The rich man replies “I’m getting her a nice car and a diamond ring”. The poor man asks why and the rich man replies “that way if she doesn’t like the ring, she can return it in the nice car and still be happy.” Then the rich man asks the poor man what he’s getting his wife for her birthday. The poor man replies “I’m buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo.” The rich man asks why, and the poor man replies “that way if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdsifq/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_are_talking/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a drink

The bartender says sorry, we dont serve food here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cds3pk/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_drink/
%
I think i might be asexual...

...because i just don't give a fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cds2sq/i_think_i_might_be_asexual/
%
If you have one big green ball in one hand and one big green ball in another, what do you have?

The undivided attention of the Jolly Green Giant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cds2hw/if_you_have_one_big_green_ball_in_one_hand_and/
%
I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cds1an/i_tried_to_train_several_baby_cows_to_drink_coffee/
%
Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdruso/every_day_we_have_hundreds_of_people_coming_into/
%
A trucker's wife sets out to buy a parrot..

She gets to the pet store and sees three of them for sale.
$150, $170, and $10.
She asks why the third one is so cheap and the pet store owner explains it used to live in a whore house. The woman laughs and buys it.
She gets home and the parrot says, "wow! A new whore house!" The woman laughs..
Her two daughters get home and he says, "dang! Two new gals!!" They all laugh.
When her husband walks in the parrots says, "Hey Joe! I see you've found the new place!"
..and that's how the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdru40/a_truckers_wife_sets_out_to_buy_a_parrot/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

From a third world country, and at a reasonable price

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdrt0w/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Comedy of errors

A man checked into a hotel. There was  a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife.  he accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realizing he sent the mail to a widow who has just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message she fainted. The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
'to my loving wife, i know you are surprised to hear from me, they have  computers here and we are allowed to send mails to loved ones. I 've just been checked in. How are you and the kids? The place is really nice but am lonely here. I have made necessary arrangement for your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you  darling. I can't wait to see you.
😂😆😂😆😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdrqb4/comedy_of_errors/
%
People are 10 times more cuter when they talk about what they're passionate about...

Unless you're Hitler...
Then it's only nein times more cuter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdrq1w/people_are_10_times_more_cuter_when_they_talk/
%
Today my coffee tasted cruddy.

So I came up to the waitress by me and said, “excuse me, but my coffee tastes like mud.”
“It should!” She replied. “It’s fresh ground.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdro92/today_my_coffee_tasted_cruddy/
%
Whats the best part of killing a hooker?

The second hour is free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdrjhg/whats_the_best_part_of_killing_a_hooker/
%
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Malaysian Airlines Flight 370!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdrj9u/who_lives_in_a_pineapple_under_the_sea/
%
How can you tell if a moth farts?

It flies straight for a moment.
(My earliest joke I can remember. Sorry if it’s a repost.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdrfo2/how_can_you_tell_if_a_moth_farts/
%
A Boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do.
He walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.”
As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, So he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half,”
The manager okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where’re you from, son?”
The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”.
“Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager.
The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.”
“My wife is from Minnesota,” the manager said.
The boy replied, “Really!? What position did she play?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdrdx5/a_boy_worked_in_the_produce_section_of_the/
%
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

food joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdr8sm/jokes_about_german_sausage_are_the_wurst/
%
I asked my dad if I was funny

He asked me since when did I change my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdr87o/i_asked_my_dad_if_i_was_funny/
%
A man loses all his money in vegas, and asks his friend for help on how to tell his wife

Friend : Just say it in a *sarcastic tone* she wont believe you but you technically told the truth.
Man : Thats never going to work.
F: Watch, Hey honey, remember when i went to vegas, you know me *i just lost all our cash like good ol'jim*.
M: Its better than nothing.
later that evening
Man : Hey honey, how was your day?
Wife : Great, I heard you wanted to tell me something.
M: Oh yeah! In vegas, y'know like I *usually do, i lost all our life savings in vegas!* ha-ha.
W: Thats funny.
M: So what have you been doing?
W: You know, *having sex with a man in a gas station, like the usual.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdr655/a_man_loses_all_his_money_in_vegas_and_asks_his/
%
What’s the difference between vegans and cows?

We eat cows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdr4jw/whats_the_difference_between_vegans_and_cows/
%
Schrodinger couldn't stand the suspense any longer and finally decided to open up the box after a month to see if the cat was alive or dead...

So as it turns out, curiosity did kill the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdr15h/schrodinger_couldnt_stand_the_suspense_any_longer/
%
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?

Oncallogist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdqyu6/what_do_you_call_a_doctor_who_is_always_on_call/
%
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdqyo1/how_do_you_put_a_baby_astronaut_to_sleep/
%
Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburger: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10."
He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter.
"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars.
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdqy8j/handjobs_nsfw/
%
The King’s Kidney

Long ago, one of kidneys of the King of Ethiopia was ruptured when the leash to his horse snapped, causing the horse to kick back in surprise. One of his bishops rushed to his side and offered a quick prayer.
“Oh God, I pray that our king’s kidney may be healed, and that he will live to rule in prosperity for many years. Bless him that never again in his presence will a leash snap and this tragedy befall him.”
Miraculously, the king was healed instantly. Later, at a council of clergymen in a far away land, the bishop relayed his remarkable story. “In summary,” said the bishop,
“I blessed the rein down in Africa.
I blessed the reign down in Africa.
I blessed the rein down in Africa.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdqqxa/the_kings_kidney/
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Why do hipsters enjoy prison?

Because there are solid bars everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdqjo5/why_do_hipsters_enjoy_prison/
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What do you call someone who touches cereal inappropriately?

A chex offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdqhb0/what_do_you_call_someone_who_touches_cereal/
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Why are people who have sex with fruit never single?

Because they cum in pears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdqfgq/why_are_people_who_have_sex_with_fruit_never/
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Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?

You can drop em off anywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdq4ff/whats_the_best_thing_about_dating_homeless_chicks/
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Do you know the reasons why most melons live alone?

Because they can't elope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdq00j/do_you_know_the_reasons_why_most_melons_live_alone/
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I thought starting a creative writing group for felons would be a great idea.

Turns out it has its prose and cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdpzmz/i_thought_starting_a_creative_writing_group_for/
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How do you top a car?

Tep on the break, tupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdpzb1/how_do_you_top_a_car/
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A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?”

I replied, “Kindergarten.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdpsca/a_cop_pulled_me_over_and_asked_me_where_were_you/
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What do a dog and a phone have in common?

They both have collar ID.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdpq64/what_do_a_dog_and_a_phone_have_in_common/
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What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?

The cold Shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdpowl/what_do_you_give_a_cannibal_who_is_late_for_dinner/
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When does a joke become a stepdad joke?

Right when it hits you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdpoqj/when_does_a_joke_become_a_stepdad_joke/
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I was talking to a girl about WWII

It went something like this
Her: My grandparents were in a concentration camp
Me: So was my Grandfather. He died there
Her: :(
Me: Poor fella fell out of the guard tower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdph9o/i_was_talking_to_a_girl_about_wwii/
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Q: Where did John go after the explosion?

A: Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdpeq4/q_where_did_john_go_after_the_explosion/
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A man died of blood loss on his way to the Hospital

The EMT was asked why, and he replied --
"I kept asking him for his blood type, but he just wasn't able to tell me. He was too out of it"
The Doctor sighed. "Well for our records and for the sake of the family did he have any last words? Did he suffer?"
"Well.." the nurse replied.
"He died with a very good outlook on life."
"What do you mean?" The doctor asked.
"In his delirium he kept repeating the same phrase over and over
...
Be positive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdpbxe/a_man_died_of_blood_loss_on_his_way_to_the/
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Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they can’t find home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdpajz/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdp9bs/why_did_the_tomato_blush/
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Bought some condoms at the store today, cashier asked if I wanted a bag.

I said “no thanks, she’s actually quite pretty”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdp5ul/bought_some_condoms_at_the_store_today_cashier/
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A police officer walks into an interrogation room.

"It's over, buddy," he says smugly, throwing down a stack of papers. "We've got you on a double homicide."
"Double?! What are you talking about?" the perp across from him stutters.
"Don't even try to act innocent. We've got video proof. You gunned down two women! Cher and Johnny Depp's new girlfriend are both dead because of you!"
"Ok. Ok, I'll admit it," the perp stammers.
"I shot Cher (F), but I didn't shoot the Depp beauty!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdp5f9/a_police_officer_walks_into_an_interrogation_room/
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I was going to make haggis...

But I just don't have the stomach for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdp2in/i_was_going_to_make_haggis/
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Two silk worms entered a race.

It ended in a tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdoyqt/two_silk_worms_entered_a_race/
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My wife said, That old song by Bill Withers is really good. I said,

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdoxzy/my_wife_said_that_old_song_by_bill_withers_is/
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What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdownt/what_is_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a/
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Why did the shopkeeper throw out the toeless man?

The shopkeeper was lactose intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdovkj/why_did_the_shopkeeper_throw_out_the_toeless_man/
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My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe.

I said its narnia buisness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdotqo/my_dad_asked_me_why_there_was_a_lion_and_a_witch/
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I named my overweight cat Kelvin

Because he is an absolute unit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdoswv/i_named_my_overweight_cat_kelvin/
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Caught my girlfriend trying to poke holes in a condom.

"Ouch!" I winced. "At least let me take it off first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdossk/caught_my_girlfriend_trying_to_poke_holes_in_a/
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Atheism

Is a non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdosna/atheism/
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A cross fitter, a vegan, and an atheist walk into a bar.

The bartender tells them “get the fuck out”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdori7/a_cross_fitter_a_vegan_and_an_atheist_walk_into_a/
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

You barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdorbl/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
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I had a girlfriend who was into Picasso and Mexican food

She was really artsy-fartsy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdop9d/i_had_a_girlfriend_who_was_into_picasso_and/
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A man wanted to train a horse.

He was a very religious man so he decided that he would train the horse so that it would speed up when he said “praise the lord” and come to a complete stop when he said “hallelujah.” After a few months, he was able to train the horse to do this.
One day, he was riding the horse and it got spooked by a jack rabbit. The horse started sprinting in its fright. The man was scared and could not remember the command to stop the horse. He was trying everything he could think of. “Thank the Lord,” “By the blood of Jesus,” “Amen” But the horse would not stop. The man then realized that the horse was running towards a cliff. The man knew he had to remember quickly. At the very last moment he remembered and shouted “Hallelujah.” The horse stopped just before the cliff edge.
In his relief, the man said “praise the lord.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdoku0/a_man_wanted_to_train_a_horse/
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What are the sexiest letters of the alphabet?

U R :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdofuq/what_are_the_sexiest_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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Hey girl, are you a USB port?

Because I might have to flip you over a few times before it fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdoau1/hey_girl_are_you_a_usb_port/
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The man that invented auto correct

should burn in hello.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdo99h/the_man_that_invented_auto_correct/
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People keep saying I’m inbread.

I would like to clarify that the bread is in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdo7or/people_keep_saying_im_inbread/
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The standup comedian

As a standup comedian, I am prohibited from telling any jokes involving chairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdo5xn/the_standup_comedian/
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If i had a DeLorean

i would probably only drive it from time to time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdo3v9/if_i_had_a_delorean/
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What do cookies and sex have in common?

Girl scouts do it best

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdo39z/what_do_cookies_and_sex_have_in_common/
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take a while for me to get hard, I just got laid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdo2vi/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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So I was getting head from my wife while I was playing Assassin's Creed, when she suddenly stopped... Me: Why'd you stop??

Her: Ubisoft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdo0ue/so_i_was_getting_head_from_my_wife_while_i_was/
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Justice is best served cold.

If it was warm it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdnw1l/justice_is_best_served_cold/
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Two old men lived their whole lives wondering if heaven had baseball

Two old men named Bob and John have been life long friends, they shared just about everything in common, but the thing they both loved the most was baseball. Now the two always had a question about the sport they loved so much and it was when they die would baseball be in heaven to greet them. Sadly Bob was growing ill and one night in his sleep he passed away, this left John missing his friend and now the only one still asking their life long question. A week after Bob passed John was sitting on his porch, and out of the blue, John sees Bob, in disbelief John says:
“Bob?, is that really you”
Bob answered
“It sure is”
The two sat and talked for a little while happy to see each other, eventually John remembers to ask a life long question
“Bob is baseball in heaven”
John sits quietly
“Well I have good news and bad news about that, good news is yes there is baseball in heaven, bad news is, your pitching on Tuesday”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdnvp6/two_old_men_lived_their_whole_lives_wondering_if/
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I’ve been trying to come up with an amputation joke for the past 30 minutes.

I’m stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdnu3p/ive_been_trying_to_come_up_with_an_amputation/
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A plane passes through a severe storm...

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.  The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.  One woman, in particular, loses it!  Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment there is silence.  Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.  "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's drop-dead gorgeous.  Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.  No one moves.  The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.  He removes his shirt.  Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Here, iron this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdnt5r/a_plane_passes_through_a_severe_storm/
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Biologists say Beetles have 6 legs.

They forgot about Ringo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdnn1w/biologists_say_beetles_have_6_legs/
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What do you call a one eyed Dinosaur?

Doyouthinhesauras?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdnm0i/what_do_you_call_a_one_eyed_dinosaur/
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Why do Driving Instructors make good Physical Therapists?

Because they can teach fine motor skills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdnjws/why_do_driving_instructors_make_good_physical/
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Why did the guitar player go to jail?

He fingered A-minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdnjdt/why_did_the_guitar_player_go_to_jail/
%
Why do scuba divers always fall off the boat backwards?

Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdniwr/why_do_scuba_divers_always_fall_off_the_boat/
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What did the alien say to the coke bottle?

Take me to your liter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdnhv7/what_did_the_alien_say_to_the_coke_bottle/
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a jew a Christian a muslim and a atheist walk into a bar

the christian says “ the jews and muslims are wrong
the jew saws Christians and muslims are wrong
and the muslim says the jews and Christians are wrong
they look at the atheist and ask if hes gonna say their wrong
he says your all right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdnecb/a_jew_a_christian_a_muslim_and_a_atheist_walk/
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Every time I enter our home my son gives me this fruit.

It is a door apple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdncy7/every_time_i_enter_our_home_my_son_gives_me_this/
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What do you call the sweat created from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdna1y/what_do_you_call_the_sweat_created_from_sex_in/
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What's a drug dealer's favourite shoe?

White Vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdn8ke/whats_a_drug_dealers_favourite_shoe/
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What do you call a communist star?

A red giant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdn7mm/what_do_you_call_a_communist_star/
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A fisherman was kicked out of his band.

They didn’t like the way he was slappin the bass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdn7e5/a_fisherman_was_kicked_out_of_his_band/
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I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdn5a5/i_was_surprised_to_learn_the_most_common_method/
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Paddy is about to go into the bar for a little refreshment when he hears someone yelling "Do not go into that house of sin!"

He turns around on the point of telling the interfering busybody to feck off, but he holds his tongue when he sees that it is a nun, and instead he lifts his hat politely and says "Why must I not go in there, holy sister?"
"Because," rages the nun, "it is the devil's brew that they are selling in there!"
"Well," says Paddy, "and how would you be knowing that? Have you ever tried it? No? Well then, sister, is it fair to condemn that which you do not know?"
She appears to be about to scold him again, but checks herself. "Well now, since you put it that way -- no, indeed I have not. But that doesn't matter!"
Paddy nods his head politely, and says "Perhaps you are right, sister. Or perhaps you should put it to the test, and then you would see that it is not such terrible stuff as all that, after all."
"Well now," the nun says, "but I cannot be seen going into a place like that!"
"All right," says Paddy, "I'll bring a drop out to you, for the sake of your good name."
"Very well," says the nun. "But let it look like water, and you shall bring it in a teacup, lest some weak-minded soul see a nun drinking in the street and be led into sin."
"No problem," says Paddy; and he goes inside and up to the bar, and says "A pint of Guinness please, mine host, and a whiskey chaser... and could I please have a double gin in a teacup?"
And the barman blinks and says "Jay-zus! Is that feckin' nun out there again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdmw0d/paddy_is_about_to_go_into_the_bar_for_a_little/
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Where do bad plates go to after they've broken?

Helsinki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdmlo6/where_do_bad_plates_go_to_after_theyve_broken/
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As a young boy I was blessed with a nine and three quarter inch penis....

Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Malley!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdmhea/as_a_young_boy_i_was_blessed_with_a_nine_and/
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Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdmfbg/never_thought_netflix_would_produce_an/
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A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:
"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."
The guy slumps, just crushed.
The doctor continues: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, changing her soiled diapers, and tending to her needs constantly, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."
The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.
Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."
By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.
At that point, the doctor puts his hand on the man's shoulder, and says, "Naaaah - I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdm967/a_man_is_at_work_when_he_receives_a_call_from_the/
%
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
###

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdm57c/i_was_digging_in_our_garden_when_i_found_a_chest/
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A boy asks his grandpa for a puff of his cigar...

A boy asks his grandpa for a puff on his cigar.
The grandpa takes a long puff and asks the boy "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
The boy is taken aback and says "No!"
The grandpa says "Well, then you can't have a puff of my cigar"
Later, the grandpa is drinking a beer and the boy walks over to him and asks for a drink of his beer. Once again the grandpa asks "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
The boy looks down and says "No", and the grandpa says "Well, then you can't have a drink of my beer"
The next day, the boy has a big plate of cookies that his grandma made for him. The grandpa walks over and asks for a cookie and the boy asks his grandpa "Grandpa, does your dick touch your asshole?"
There grandpa chuckles and says "As a matter of fact, it does!"
So the boy responds "Good, then you can go fuck yourself because these cookies are mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdlz3h/a_boy_asks_his_grandpa_for_a_puff_of_his_cigar/
%
Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and JFK are aboard the Titanic when it collides with the iceberg.

Kennedy: "Women and children first!"
Reagan: "Fuck the women!"
Clinton: "D'ya think we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdlwr7/ronald_reagan_bill_clinton_and_jfk_are_aboard_the/
%
What's the similarity of aliens and my dad?

No one has seen neither of them in a long while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdlubo/whats_the_similarity_of_aliens_and_my_dad/
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What's the difference between a hospital and a terrorist camp?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdlsbw/whats_the_difference_between_a_hospital_and_a/
%
#644: A woman goes to buy a parrot.

The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks "Why is the last one so cheap?"
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Dave, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdlro7/644_a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot/
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Did you hear about the sexually active squirrel on cocaine?

He was fucking nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdlnfs/did_you_hear_about_the_sexually_active_squirrel/
%
It's not that I love karate

I just hate boards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdlizr/its_not_that_i_love_karate/
%
A dyslexic man walks into

A Bra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdlimf/a_dyslexic_man_walks_into/
%
A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding...

The cop is going over the whole routine, license and registration. He asks the man what he does for a living.
Guy: I’m an asshole stretcher.
Cop: excuse me, how do you do that?
Guy: you start with a finger, then work another one in till you have a whole hand in there. Then you slowly work the other hand in and keep going til it’s stretched to about 6 feet.
Cop: what do you do with a 6 foot asshole?
Guy: give him a badge and have him sit at the bottom of a hill writing speeding tickets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdli7u/a_guy_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop_for_speeding/
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I don’t like the word xenophobia.

It sounds so foreign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdlg0e/i_dont_like_the_word_xenophobia/
%
" I stopped a woman getting kidnapped today"

Friend : "how?"
"Self control"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdlev1/i_stopped_a_woman_getting_kidnapped_today/
%
Why were’t the melons able to get married?

Because they cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdld3d/why_weret_the_melons_able_to_get_married/
%
What do you call 3 people with short term memory loss?

A trifect-uhh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdlb7a/what_do_you_call_3_people_with_short_term_memory/
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My Asian friend got shot today by someone with a starter pistol.

Police think it may be race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdl6t0/my_asian_friend_got_shot_today_by_someone_with_a/
%
I had sex in a car for the first time last week...

Too bad it was in a hearse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdl61o/i_had_sex_in_a_car_for_the_first_time_last_week/
%
Yo mama so fat...

When God said let their be light he was telling her to move out of the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdl2kk/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
A serial killer takes a victim into the forest. It’s dark out.

Victim: I’m scared...
Killer: You’re scared, I have to walk out of here alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdl09m/a_serial_killer_takes_a_victim_into_the_forest/
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Racist jokes are like Mexicans

They're always crossing the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdkuae/racist_jokes_are_like_mexicans/
%
How does Beyonce describe her political beliefs?

"To the left, to the left."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdkqwc/how_does_beyonce_describe_her_political_beliefs/
%
A distraught woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled across a magic lamp...

Looking at the lamp in fervent hope, she rubbed it gently. A genie instantly appears!
"Mortal woman, I will grant thee three wishes. But I'm a gender-equal genie, so whatever thou wishes, thy husband will receive double."
"That's not fair. He cheated on me with his younger secretary, and said he's going to divorce me", said the woman.
"Take it or leave it, most honorable wench."
"Fine. For my first wish, I'd like to have $100 million credited into my savings account."
"Done," said the genie. "$200 million has also been credited into thy husband's account. What is thou next wish, seasoned thot?"
"I'd like to become the most beautiful woman in the world," the woman answered, furiously.
"Granted," the genie said, before adding, "Thy husband is now the most good-looking man in two worlds! What is thy final wish, oh aging harlot?"
"I'd like to donate a kidney please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdklcm/a_distraught_woman_was_walking_along_the_beach/
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I’m writing a screenplay about a group of criminals scheming to rob an allergy clinic.

I’m thinking of calling it “The Gesundheist”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdkk0i/im_writing_a_screenplay_about_a_group_of/
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Someone chopped off the top quarter of my tree.

REE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdkhj7/someone_chopped_off_the_top_quarter_of_my_tree/
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A blonde is down on her luck

So she pleads to God, "Please let me win the lottery! I need the money so bad. Please help your faithful servant!"
A week comes and goes, and she doesn't win the lottery. Upset, she gets down on her knees, looks up to the heavens with tears streaming down her face and pleads, "God, I beg of you. Please let me win the lottery! I am desperate, and I'm in danger of losing my home!"
Another week goes by, and she still hasn't won. At this point, she is furious. "Are you even listening to me, God?! I am a faithful Christian, I go to church every week, I live a good life, and all I ask is that I win the lottery! Why won't you answer my prayers?! Why won't you help me?!"
Suddenly, she hears the booming voice of God flowing through her, shouting, **"YOU NEED TO BUY A FUCKING TICKET, YOU IDIOT!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdkcsx/a_blonde_is_down_on_her_luck/
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Who's your favorite underground rapper?

Mine personally is XXXTENTACION

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdjyk9/whos_your_favorite_underground_rapper/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalottapuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdjtu2/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,
“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated…
A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says…
“How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:…
“Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else…
But his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,…
Calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says,
“Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdjnp6/a_wife_decides_to_take_her_husband_dave_to_a/
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My wife has an interesting way of beginning sentences.

She always starts with, “Hey, are you even listening?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdjl6q/my_wife_has_an_interesting_way_of_beginning/
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Dentist and the patient

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdjes5/dentist_and_the_patient/
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Three men are lost in the desert with no supplies, when the devil appears before them.

The devil looks at their skin and bones, their cracked lips, and says, “I see you’re in a bit of a rough spot. I can help you - let’s play a little game. You each get one chance to name a task I can’t do. If you succeed, I’ll save you.”
The first man immediately replies, “I bet you can’t build a highway that goes around the entire world!”
The devil snaps his fingers, and instantly, a road appears that circles the globe. The first man expires on the spot from a mixture of thirst and despair.
The second man, looking at the corpse of his friend, thinks for a minute. He thinks of his job, his family, his friends, and the life he has to return to.
After spending some time drawing figures in the sand and doing some calculations, he hesitantly says, “There’s no possible way you can build a ladder that reaches space.” But the devil simply smirks and taps his pitchfork on the ground, and at once, a ladder to the stars appears. The second man perishes where he stands, muttering the name of his wife and children until his last breath.
The third and final man calmly looks at the bodies of his companions and sits down in the sand to brainstorm. He thinks of the time his spouse first kissed him, the moment he first saw his son, and the last words of his late father telling him how proud he was of him.
Having made up his mind, he quietly tells the devil, “First make a chair.” Puzzled, the devil creates a simple wooden chair.
“Next, poke 20 holes in it about an inch in diameter.” The devil follows these instructions. The man suddenly pulls down his pants, sits on the chair, and passes a loud fart.
As the devil looks on in amazement, the man stands up and asks “Which hole did I fart through?”
So the devil points to the hole three rows down, in the second column. “That one.” And sure enough, it is.
But the man smiles and bends over, pointing to his rear, and replies, “Wrong - I farted through this hole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdje6i/three_men_are_lost_in_the_desert_with_no_supplies/
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How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdj4ba/how_do_you_make_a_water_bed_more_bouncy/
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Yesterday I had sex with not 1, not 2,

But 0 girls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdj3v0/yesterday_i_had_sex_with_not_1_not_2/
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No u

Me: you fucking pussy i hate you, go fuck yourself
Guy with greatest comeback ever: No u
Me: ok? Yo fcking pssy i hate yo, go fck yorself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdj3or/no_u/
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My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdj3c9/my_elderly_relatives_liked_to_tease_me_at/
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How can you tell when a plant is scared?

It soiled itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdj39b/how_can_you_tell_when_a_plant_is_scared/
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What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdj01h/what_did_the_fisherman_say_to_the_magician/
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Why does a man who gives out money have no friends...

Because he’s a LOANER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdiwj5/why_does_a_man_who_gives_out_money_have_no_friends/
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A military plane crashes on a cannibal island

The crew are taken to the chief, who asks:
"Which of you has the highest rank?"
"I do. I am Flight Commander," the Flight Commander says.
"Well congratulations!" says the cannibal. "Tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdivb1/a_military_plane_crashes_on_a_cannibal_island/
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The Terrible Legend of Bahuda

Three explorers are making their way through a one of those generic jungles that always shows up in these sorts of jokes, when they are suddenly ambushed by a tribe of massive cannibals. (That's "massive" in the sense that they are very large, although they are also particularly passionate about eating other humans.) They are immediately bound and carried back to a village – the explorers, I mean, not the cannibals – where they are presented to the chief.
"You are very fortunate!" the chief bellows (in perfect English, somehow), "for tonight, you will be given a choice! You may choose to be eaten in a grand feast... or you may marry my beautiful daughter, Bahuda!"
"Why can't Bahuda marry one of the other cannibals?" the second of the three explorers whispers.
"Shut up," hisses the first. Then he clears his throat and addresses the chief. "I will marry your daughter!"
A cheer goes up in the village, and every cannibal starts to chant "Bahuda! Bahuda! Bahuda!" From a nearby hut, a truly gargantuan woman emerges, her muscly arms as broad as some of the nearby tree trunks. The first explorer is intimidated by the sight of her, but he goes through with the ceremony, being wed to her on the spot. The other two explorers are allowed to stay alive for the evening, in honor of the happy occasion.
That night, as the village grows quiet, the sounds of screaming, bones cracking, and decidedly ominous squishing fill the air... and the next morning, the two unwed explorers are brought before the chief again.
"Alas," he says, "my gorgeous daughter, Bahuda, was unexpectedly widowed during the night... so I shall present you with the same choice as before! You may choose to be eaten in a grand feast, or you may marry Bahuda!"
The second explorer raises his hand. "Sorry," he says, "but I'm still not clear on why Bahuda can't marry one of the other cannibals."
"I heard 'Bahuda' and 'marry' in that sentence," replies the chief, "so I'm going to assume that you intend to wed her."
"Okay..." the second explorer mutters.
"*Excellent!*" the chief exclaims. "You shall be wed immediately!"
As it had before, a cheer goes up in the village, and every cannibal starts to chant "Bahuda! Bahuda! Bahuda!" From within her hut, the imposing figure of Bahuda appears, her balled-up fists as large as a man's head. The second explorer swallows nervously, but he goes through with the ceremony, and his remaining friend is allowed to stay alive for another day, if only to provide an impromptu best man's speech.
That night, as the village once more grows quiet, the sounds of shrieks, limbs being snapped, and not-at-all-reassuring crunches echo beneath the stars... and the next morning, the third explorer is yet again brought before the chief.
"A grave misfortune has befallen this village," he says, "and my impossibly alluring daughter, Bahuda, has experienced a second widowing... so I shall present you with the same decision as I did your friends! You may choose to be eaten in a grand feast, or you may marry Bahuda!" He grins expectantly. "I assume you will take the latter option."
"Well, that's where you're wrong!" the third explorer shouts back. "Haven't you heard that one in three men is gay?"
The chief considers this. "I mean, Bahuda is fairly manly."
"I don't care," replies the third explorer. "I will die with my dignity. I choose death!"
A murmur ripples through the village, and the chief looks stunned. "Nobody... nobody has ever chosen death," he eventually answers. "Still, if that is your wish, so be it." Then he turns to face his tribe, raising his hands above his head. "He has chosen death; death by Bahuda!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdiq8a/the_terrible_legend_of_bahuda/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdinae/knock_knock/
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Guy 1: hey bro

Guy 2: yeah?
Guy 1: can you pass me that pamphlet?
Guy 2: Brochure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdi8b2/guy_1_hey_bro/
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The girl in the pretty dress.

It all started on the first day of second grade. There was a young boy who was super excited to go back to school and see all of his friends from first grade again. In fact, He was so excited he had gotten up really early and packed his little backpack full of all his school supplies like pens and pencils, paper, coloring markers, and more.
He got into the car with his mom and they drove to school where she dropped him off. He strode into class that morning smiling ear to ear because he knew today was going to be a wonderful day. That’s when it happened. In addition to seeing all of his old friends from last year, there was this one new girl. The boy, wanting to welcoming and friendly, decided to walk up to her and say something nice. He gets a bit tongue tied and blurts out, “Hey, I think you have a pretty dress.” At this point the girl’s jaw drops, she looks at him and then slaps him as hard as a second grader can. He goes to his seat ashamed and confused and sits down wondering why she would react so strongly to a simple awkward statement.
Right before class starts, the teacher calls him up to her desk and asks, “what did you say to offend this young lady?” He responds with, “I don’t know, I just wanted to make her feel welcome, so I told her she had a pretty dress.” The teacher stares, stunned, at the little boy, then says, “How dare you say that to her! Go to the principle’s office right now!” The boy is shocked at the teacher’s reaction, but he obediently exits the classroom and starts walking down the hall towards the principle’s office. He opens the door and steps inside the office thinking that surely the principle will be more understanding of his predicament. The principle looks and the boy and says to him, “Now now son, what did you do to get sent here on the very first day of school?” The boy responds saying, “Well, there was a new girl in class, and I wanted to make her feel welcome, so I told her she had a pretty dress.” The principle stands up, towering over the young boy, slams both his fists into the desk, and ferociously screams, “How dare you say such a thing in my school! Go home now! I’m calling your parents to let them decide how to deal with you!”
The little boy walks out the principle’s office, and then out of the school, and began to slowly trod home wondering where everything went wrong. He is unable to come to any conclusions about his mistake, but he holds onto the hope that his parents will understand that he did nothing wrong. As he rounds the corner onto his street his heart sinks as he sees his mom waiting outside the front door with her arms crossed and that disappointed look on her face that only moms can do. He walks up to his house, and his mom simply says, “Go up to your room, we’ll discuss what happened when your father gets home from work.” The boy goes upstairs to his room and starts crying because he has no idea what he did wrong or why everyone is turning their back on him. Eventually he hears his dad’s car pull into the driveway, so he heads downstairs after wiping his tears away.
While the three of them are gathered around the dinner table, the father can tell there is some extreme tension in the air, so he breaks the awkward silence by asking what’s wrong. The mom nods at the boy and says, “Go on, tell your father what you’ve done.” The boy collects his thoughts and then explains, “Earlier today, I saw a new girl at school. I only wanted to make her feel welcome, so I went up to her and said, hey I think you have a pretty dress.” The dad slowly stands up, fuming, rage about to spill over, but he contains himself. He looks to his wife and says, “Honey, we need to discuss this in the other room.” The parents both leave and go into a separate room where the shut the door and start talking. In just a short while, the boy can here them yelling and screaming and furniture being thrown around. Eventually they both emerge. The dad slams the door behind himself and says to the young boy, “You aren’t my son anymore. You have five minutes, go pack a bag and get out of my house.” The boy stands aghast for moment, unmoving, until he realizes that they are both dead serious. He goes back up to his room where he throws a change of clothes, his markers, some goldfish, and his piggy bank into his school backpack, and proceeds to leave his house. That evening as he finds a bench to rest on, it hits him, he is homeless, with virtually no money, no plan, and no hope.
And so he remained homeless for many years, sometimes hungry, sometimes just barely scraping by, but always with the lingering question in the back of his mind as to how he could have ended up this way just by telling a girl she had a pretty dress. One day, while the boy was in his late teens, he was sitting on a bench at a bus stop, enjoying the sunny afternoon, and an elderly man sat down a few feet from him. The boy could tell that this man was also homeless based on his torn clothing, scraggly beard, and dirty face. Despite this, the man offered to buy the boy a sandwich. The boy said, “No thanks sir, I’m doing alright and you clearly need the money.” The man insisted though, “It’s no problem, the sandwich shop is just across the street.” The boy refused again, but still the man continued, “Seriously, you don’t look well off, and I want to do something nice for you.” Finally the boy conceded saying, “Fine, do what you must.” The man stood up and started across the street when…
\#SLAM!!!
The man is hit by a bus, smashed into the pavement, and instantly killed.
Moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdi7ac/the_girl_in_the_pretty_dress/
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Hey do any of you remember the joke about the boomerang?

Don't worry, it'll come back to you :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdi5j1/hey_do_any_of_you_remember_the_joke_about_the/
%
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?

He got off with a suspension.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdi3cj/did_you_hear_about_the_mechanic_that_was_caught/
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I named my penis Genius

So when people ask me what I did last night, I can tell them I had a stroke of Genius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdhv9b/i_named_my_penis_genius/
%
A male stripper goes into a restaurant. He sees a beautiful young nun and decides he wants to do the dirty on her.

So he decides to propose to her directly.
"Ey girl how you doin? What do you think about leaving that chastity aside and come with me for a good time?"
The nun angrily answers, "I am a woman of no man, only God! To hell with you, sinner!"
The man goes to a table, defeated, but then his waiter talks to him.
"Ey you know I've seen that nun praying in the cemetery at midnight some times, maybe if you dress up as God she will let you have sex with her."
"Oh shit for real? Let me try it!"
So he dresses up with some robes and a fake beard, and goes to the cemetery at midnight. Lo and behold, the nun is right there on her knees praying, her sweet ass up to exposure. The stripper talks with the deepest, loudest voice he can make:
"Woman, you are in the presence of God, on your knees!"
"Oh yes my Lord!"
"I wish for you to make love with me!"
"Ok, but only anal, I don't want to lose my chastity."
So they get to it, and after a while of hitting it, the stripper tells her:
"Ha! I am the stripper from the restaurant!"
To which the nun replies:
"And I AM THE WAITER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdhue0/a_male_stripper_goes_into_a_restaurant_he_sees_a/
%
What do you call a dog magician?

A Labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdho7f/what_do_you_call_a_dog_magician/
%
Wright Brothers

Orville Wright: Dick cave?
Wilbur Wright: Definitely not.
Orville Wright: Wiener hole?
Wilbur Wright: Dude, no.
Orville Wright: Cock pit?
Wilbur Wright: Sighs. Okay fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdhmaa/wright_brothers/
%
Who is a chicken's favorite president?

BRRAAAWWWKobama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdhl4q/who_is_a_chickens_favorite_president/
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Every 3 minutes, someone is diagnosed with dementia

Poor lad keeps forgetting he has it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdhhxm/every_3_minutes_someone_is_diagnosed_with_dementia/
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What's a cowboy's favorite vehicle?

Audi, partner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdhgcg/whats_a_cowboys_favorite_vehicle/
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Divorcing parents

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdheu3/divorcing_parents/
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Thank you to everyone who stuck by me while I tried to learn the meaning of "many"

It means "a lot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdhcd4/thank_you_to_everyone_who_stuck_by_me_while_i/
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I hate my neighbors. They listen to All Star by Smash Mouth at full blast 24/7

whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdhbsf/i_hate_my_neighbors_they_listen_to_all_star_by/
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My girlfriend is annoyed because I won't stop making duck jokes.

Judging from the look on her face, I don't think I mallard to say them anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdh7uv/my_girlfriend_is_annoyed_because_i_wont_stop/
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Guy goes to a prostitute and asks what she can do.

She asks him how much money does he have?
The guy says, "Only $10."
The prostitute says, "For $10, I can give you a penguin."
The guy figures this is new lingo, so he pays her the money. In an alleyway, she pulls down his pants and starts blowing him. Just as he tells her he is about to cum, she gets up and walks away. The guy waddles after her with his pants around his ankles and yells, "Wait, come back!"
^((this joke is much better told verbally when you can demonstrate the penguin walk))

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdh3t5/guy_goes_to_a_prostitute_and_asks_what_she_can_do/
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My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will...

&nbsp;
&nbsp;
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdgxqe/my_favorite_part_of_the_bible_is_when_god_gives/
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Little Johnny

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. She was Worried about what Johnny might say, but she thought how can he say anything bad with beautiful in the sentence.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdgwp1/little_johnny/
%
A true incident...

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled.  A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenient travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.  He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS”
The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I will be happy to help you. But I have got to help these folks first; And then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out”.
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could listen, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM??”.
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public addressing microphone. “May I have your attention, please?” She began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If any one can help with his identity, please come to gate 14”
With the people behind him in the line laughing hysterically, The man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “F*** You!”
Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir but you have to get in line for that, too.
Plainly Earth’s best gate agent ever...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdgtsj/a_true_incident/
%
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdgrnk/i_used_to_sell_security_alarms_door_to_door_and_i/
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I once met the man that invented windowsills

What a ledge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdgqov/i_once_met_the_man_that_invented_windowsills/
%
Velcro!!

What a rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdgq4l/velcro/
%
teacher and student joke

Teacher: What's the past participle of the verb "to ring?"
Student: What do you think, sir?
Teacher: I don't think. I KNOW.
Student: I don't think I know either, sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdgoeq/teacher_and_student_joke/
%
Simba was walking too slow,

so i told him to Mufasa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdgl5s/simba_was_walking_too_slow/
%
My friend asked me if I did meth.

I told him no , Adderall is more my speed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdgkng/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_did_meth/
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Don't be ashamed of you don't know the definition of the word 'esoteric'

Only a small number of people are likely to understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdgh9h/dont_be_ashamed_of_you_dont_know_the_definition/
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What's the difference between an anti vaxxer and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdgfyw/whats_the_difference_between_an_anti_vaxxer_and_a/
%
My Wife

**The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdgf11/my_wife/
%
Why did the Mexican need a Xanax?

For HISpanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdgbqt/why_did_the_mexican_need_a_xanax/
%
Me in heaven after suicide

God: was it the micropenis
Me: YES IT WAS THE MICROPENIS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdg8p2/me_in_heaven_after_suicide/
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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
At the table, he asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching "dirty stuff".
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what "dirty stuff" was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "after all, he is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdftx0/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
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Jokes are like sex

Some people get it soon some later and some never

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdftob/jokes_are_like_sex/
%
Why does Python live in land?

Because it is above C level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdfqkg/why_does_python_live_in_land/
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Beer Bros

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdfpic/beer_bros/
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Last Musical Request

**The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad.** He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdfmfz/last_musical_request/
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True house cleaners aren't just born

They're maid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdfksg/true_house_cleaners_arent_just_born/
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A little rabbit is running through the forest

when he sees a bear and a wolf smoking a joint. Not knowing what a joint is, he approaches them.
"What are you doing guys?" the rabbit asks. "Smoking a joint." they said, "Wanna try?". "I can't. Mrs. rabbit is waiting for me." answers the rabbit. "Come on, rabbit. It's gonna be fun.". Rabbit agrees so they hand him the joint. He takes a few puffs, coughs a little and gives the joint back. "Do you feel anything?" they ask him. "Nope, nothing.". "Well take another puff then." says the bear and hands the joint back to the rabbit. He takes another few puffs, coughs again and gives the joint back. "Do you feel anything now?" they ask him again. "Nope, nothing.". The wolf persuades the rabbit to try again and after the third time they ask him "Rabbit, you must feel something now, right?".
"Nope, nothing. Not my ears, not my nose, not my toes. Nothing."
Note: Sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes. English is not my mother tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdfkqb/a_little_rabbit_is_running_through_the_forest/
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What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdfjts/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
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A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says “I hope the porn is disabled.”

The guy at the desk replies “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdfjjv/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel_and_the_father_goes/
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My wife walked in on me

After my shower while I was blow drying my dick and balls and asked "What the hell are you doing?"
Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not the right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdfjg7/my_wife_walked_in_on_me/
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Grandads last words

I remember my grandads last words.....”STOP SHAKING THE LADDER U LITTLE SHIT”
Still miss him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdfhrr/grandads_last_words/
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I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she replied, “No!”

I said, “How about now?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdfh5w/i_called_my_wife_at_work_and_asked_do_you_ever/
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Went bobsleighing the other day...

killed 47 Bob(s)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdfgon/went_bobsleighing_the_other_day/
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Drugs

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old.
It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two, then before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed, then for a stronger buzz, I moved onto ecstasy.
It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin. I was a complete mess. I was skint and my body was ruined.
But fuck me, what a night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdfewv/drugs/
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Husband: You know dear, our son got his brains from me.

Wife: I think he did, I still have mine with me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdfe29/husband_you_know_dear_our_son_got_his_brains_from/
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Where do you get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdfe1k/where_do_you_get_virgin_wool_from/
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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'."
Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johhny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdf9zl/little_johnny_is_back/
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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes."
The social worker then went on to explain further"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well...You started it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdf5co/an_unkempt_teenager_with_his_pants_hanging_half/
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I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down

He was the very model of shivalry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdf4qp/i_knew_a_guy_in_jail_who_would_never_knife_a_man/
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Communist president is fed up with his life and wants to die as a hero

He has a long speech at the next 1st May celebration in front of a huge crowd of people who all have to cheer and applaud every few seconds "Long live the president! Workers of the world unite!". He's getting really fed up and decides that best death for him will be to be torn to pieces by a wild crowd.
"From tomorrow only high ranking members of the communist party will be allowed to by 100 grams of meat!"
"Long live the president!" the crowd chants
"From now on everybody works only for bread and water, there will be no TV or radio, all books are banned and all children must immediately undergo re-education at hard labor camps!" he yells at the crowd hoping this will kick them into rage.
"Long live the president, long live the communist party!" the crowd chants
"You can all kiss my ass!" he yells at them.
The crowd goes eerily quiet. After few minutes one of the president's aids whispers in his ear "Comrade president, everything is ready, they are all lining up alphabetically."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdexja/communist_president_is_fed_up_with_his_life_and/
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A policeman stops a car...

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?
Miner: Mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdews3/a_policeman_stops_a_car/
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If I stay at someone's house and they don't have any bread available come breakfast time I will refuse to stay any longer

I'm lack toast intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdem26/if_i_stay_at_someones_house_and_they_dont_have/
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I have an extreme hatred for toilets.

Whenever I need to use one, I lose my shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdelrp/i_have_an_extreme_hatred_for_toilets/
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A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself. "Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in." The first person steps up and thinks for a moment. He says "You know God, I've been ugly all my life. For once I would like to know what it is like to be beautiful. Make me beautiful." So God snaps his fingers and it is so. Everyone else starts chattering amongst themselves at such a brilliant idea. They all start wishing for the same thing. God steps up to the last guy in line who is laying on his side laughing so hard he is crying. After several minutes of patiently waiting, God finally says "Now what in Heaven could be so funny boy?" The man stands up, wipes a tear from his eye and says "Make them all ugly again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdefao/a_bus_full_of_ugly_people_unexpectedly_crashes/
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The first time I got a universal remote. I thought...

This changes everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdeel6/the_first_time_i_got_a_universal_remote_i_thought/
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What did one sleeping bag say to the other?

Damn!
Last night was intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cded7n/what_did_one_sleeping_bag_say_to_the_other/
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Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson

to his bed, "Billy, I leave for you my chrome-plated .38 revolver."
"But Grandpa, I don't like guns. How about you leave me your gold Rolex watch instead?"
"Billy, listen to your old man. Someday you have to run my business. Someday you're gonna come home and maybe find your beautiful wife in bed with another man. What will u do then? Point your Rolex watch at him and say "Time's up"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cde3zv/grandpa_is_dying_calls_his_grandson/
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I was at my bank today waiting in a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cde2gw/i_was_at_my_bank_today_waiting_in_a_short_line/
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The kids learn to cuss . . .

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss".  The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cde2bj/the_kids_learn_to_cuss/
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What does a robot do after it has sex?

It nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cde27v/what_does_a_robot_do_after_it_has_sex/
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Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.

Pun in, ten dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cddkwi/pun_enters_a_room_kills_10_people/
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Why are there more slugs in the world than snails?

Because slugs don't wear protection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cddi0m/why_are_there_more_slugs_in_the_world_than_snails/
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What did Argon say when he found his wife in bed with another man ?

Nothing, he doesn't react.
P.S:- You guys probably saw it coming a mile away, but it is funny to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cddg1u/what_did_argon_say_when_he_found_his_wife_in_bed/
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A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!
The genie says to the man:
"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."
The man responds to the genie with great excitement
"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know where to begin" the man begins to ponder his wishes as the genie grows impatient.
"I don't have all day. What will your first wish be?" the genie asks.
"Uhh, okay. How about 1 billion dollars to my bank account." the man responds.
The genie waves his hands and snaps both fingers. A flash in the sky brightens the dark night "IT IS DONE! what will be your second wish?" the genie responds while growing more impatient.
"Okay well how about making me incredibly strong so I never have to go the gym again?" the man sheepishly asks the genie.
"puny man, if that is what you wish." the genie responds to the man with a laugh. The genie again waves his hand the bright light appears. "IT IS DONE!" says the genie
the man is amazed! he has abs of steel and the biceps of a body builder. "Wow you can do anything! thank you so much Mr. Genie!"
"ENOUGH CHILDS PLAY! what will be your third wish?!" the genie lashes back at the man.
"ahh geeze. Okay well hear me out, I LOVE going to Hawaii, but I'm terrified of flying and I get very sea sick so boats are not an option. Would you be willing to build me a highway from the coast to Hawaii so I may just drive there? with all this money I can just buy the fastest car around!" the man asks of the genie.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU CANT BE SERIOUS!" the genie bursts out into a contagious laughter. "do you know how impossible that is?! you're talking thousands of miles plus the depths of the ocean that would be a way too far to reach. The effort would almost kill me! You must ask another wish, I've reached my boiling point with you!" The genie responds now in a rage.
"okay okay, well I have this problem with my wife you see... she just gets mad at me all the time and tells me that I don't know or understand her at all. It's like she expects me to know her thoughts at all times. I just want to be able to understand women better in general."
"WHAT IS YOUR WISH?!" the genie erupts in anger
"I wish I could know what women were thinking and understand them better!" The man replies quickly.
"uhhhh.." the genie says while scratching his head.
"..well?" the man says with a puzzled look.
".....For your super highway to Hawaii, do you want two or three lanes?" The genie asks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdda98/a_man_finds_a_mysterious_ancient_lamp/
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Would a lion leave its wife?

No, but a tiger wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdd9bp/would_a_lion_leave_its_wife/
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My chiropractor is serious as hell

But he still cracks me up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdd97s/my_chiropractor_is_serious_as_hell/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It really sucks if you have diabetes ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdd7i4/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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What is bigger than you and carves turkey?

The bosporus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdd65i/what_is_bigger_than_you_and_carves_turkey/
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Where do drunk sea flowers go?

Alcoholics Anemones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdd4rn/where_do_drunk_sea_flowers_go/
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Birthday joke

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
An “I scream” cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdd46p/birthday_joke/
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A lesbian would always lose in a fight against Dwayne Johnson

Rock beats scissors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdd3t8/a_lesbian_would_always_lose_in_a_fight_against/
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I saw a bumper sticker saying

Im a vet so i can drive like an animal'
suddenly i realized how many gynecologists are on the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdd1wf/i_saw_a_bumper_sticker_saying/
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Tyrion Lannister was unusually smart

Usually, white dwarfs are very dense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdd1m3/tyrion_lannister_was_unusually_smart/
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I just had a cheap circumcision done

It was a rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdcr36/i_just_had_a_cheap_circumcision_done/
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Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Humpty Dumpty should learn to be a little humble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdcpl1/humpty_dumpty_had_a_great_fall/
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What country is BY FAR the WORST at athletics?

&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Germany... they couldn't even finish a race..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdcmu4/what_country_is_by_far_the_worst_at_athletics/
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A cheeseburger walks into a bar..

and the bartender says, “I’m sorry we don’t serve food here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdcmk8/a_cheeseburger_walks_into_a_bar/
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A snake walks into a bar

The bartender asks: "How did you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdcgwj/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
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My gf left a note on the fridge: this is not working, I'm going to my moms house.

I open the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdc25v/my_gf_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_this_is_not/
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Jokes are like food..

.. Some people get it, some people don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdbzxg/jokes_are_like_food/
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Me wife is so evil, she has lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know what she charges him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdbxdl/me_wife_is_so_evil_she_has_lessons_with_satan/
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What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the *harder* it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdbtvy/what_do_a_penis_and_a_rubiks_cube_have_in_common/
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Finally tried eating duck eggs....

Not all they're quacked up to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdbrxa/finally_tried_eating_duck_eggs/
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Do you guys wanna hear a skeleton joke?

Never mind. I don’t have the guts to tell one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdbmbn/do_you_guys_wanna_hear_a_skeleton_joke/
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Mommy! Mommy! Look I'm running in circles!

Mom: Be quiet or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdbj3b/mommy_mommy_look_im_running_in_circles/
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What's the difference between Hitler and Usain bolt

Usain Bolt can finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdbcrb/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_usain_bolt/
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My pastor preached today that being gay is a choice.

I just can’t bi into that.
(Edit: My first joke, and all start downvoting me if you like. I don’t give a damn.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdbc5q/my_pastor_preached_today_that_being_gay_is_a/
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Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdbbx5/did_you_hear_about_the_thief_who_stole_a_calendar/
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A boy killed a bee

Dad:”that’s it son no honey for a week!”
Son:*kills butterfly*
Dad:”NO BUTTER FOR A WEEK”
A few days go by and then the son runs up to his dad trying to tell him something
Son: “dad! dad! dad! mom killed a cock roach!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdba97/a_boy_killed_a_bee/
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What do you name a dead end road in China?

Wong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdba5s/what_do_you_name_a_dead_end_road_in_china/
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Why do people in Athens have trouble getting up in the morning?

Because Dawn is tough on grease!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdb5v1/why_do_people_in_athens_have_trouble_getting_up/
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I'm like a dark joke

Not a lot of people like me, but the ones who do are usually just as messed up as I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdb4uk/im_like_a_dark_joke/
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A boy and his grandfather go fishing.

Before long, the old man pulls out a bag of chewing tobacco and puts a wad in his mouth.
“Hey granddad! Can I try some of that?” the boy asks.
“Can your dick touch your asshole?” the old man inquires.
“Well, no.”
“Then you can’t have any. Sorry kiddo.”
After a while, the old man pulls out a flask of whiskey and begins sipping from it.
“Hey! Hey granddad! Can I try some of that?” the boy asks.
“Can your dick touch your asshole?” the man replies again.
“No, granddad.”
“Then, no. You can’t have any.”
A little while later, the boy opens his lunch bag and pulls out a baggie of cookies his grandma baked for him. The old man peers over at the bag.
“Hey, kiddo. Can I have a couple of those?”
“I dunno, granddad. Can your dick touch your asshole?” the boy asks.
“Why, yes. Yes it can, kiddo.”
“Then you can go fuck yourself ‘cause these are *my* fuckin’ cookies!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdb3vj/a_boy_and_his_grandfather_go_fishing/
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I came home very early one Sunday morning.

I had two black eyes. My wife met me at the door with a look of discust on her face.
"Where have you been so late, and why do you have two black eyes?"
"I was at church." I explained.
"Church!? Where did you get two black eyes?"
"Well funny you should ask", I said. "When the priest asked everyone to stand, a lady in front of me stood up and her dress was stuck in the crack of her ass, so I pulled it out, when I did, she turned around and punched me."
"Well that explains one black eye, how did you get the second one?"
"Well how was I to know she did not want it tucked back in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdawft/i_came_home_very_early_one_sunday_morning/
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I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work....

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdas9j/i_took_my_new_gun_to_the_range_to_try_it_out_but/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdalm8/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing! They were both stuck up bitches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdaihb/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.
“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.
“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”
The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.”
The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!”
“It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued:
“But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdahsu/a_man_went_to_the_dental_surgeon_to_have_a_tooth/
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What did Communists use to light their houses before candles?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdagnv/what_did_communists_use_to_light_their_houses/
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Today I learned what Chromecast is...

... and the rest of the family  found out what Interracial Bootyhole Stretchers Vol. 3 is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdaepd/today_i_learned_what_chromecast_is/
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What's the most polite dinosaur?

The pleasiosaurs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdab8i/whats_the_most_polite_dinosaur/
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A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:

“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cdaacw/a_man_struggled_to_cut_up_his_dinner_his_wife/
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Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cda7uf/sean_connery_once_asked_his_wife_to_sit_on_his/
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There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H – Husband, W – Wife)
H – “Hello?”
W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
H – “Yes.”
W – “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
H – “What’s the price?”
W – “Only $1,000.”
H – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”
W – “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2019 models. I saw one I really liked. It’s a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”
H – “What price did he quote you?” W – “Only $52,000…”
H – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
W – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”
H – “What?”
W – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property.”
H – “How much are they asking?”
W – “Only $240,000 — a magnificent price… and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
H – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $220,000. OK?”
W – “OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! You’re the best Husband in the world. I love you!!!”
H – “Bye… I love you too…”
The man hangs up & closes the phone’s flap.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.
The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks, “Does anyone know who this Cell phone belong to … ???”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cda6ho/there_are_several_men_sitting_around_in_the/
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I keep hearing about this benefit for female amputees

I have never been, but I hear it’s crawling with pussy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cda4uq/i_keep_hearing_about_this_benefit_for_female/
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Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake walk into an ancient temple that has been lost for centuries.

They blow it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cda17e/indiana_jones_lara_croft_and_nathan_drake_walk/
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Guy comes home with Bouquet of flowers..

Wife says "I guess I have to spread my legs now?"
Guy says "Why? Don't you have a Vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd9yxr/guy_comes_home_with_bouquet_of_flowers/
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At birth i was given a choice

At birth I was given a choice between a magnum dong or the ability to remember every detail of my life I forgot what I picked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd9txs/at_birth_i_was_given_a_choice/
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My wife didn’t appreciate this joke but we saw a guy on a jog wearing a white glove.

I said he was running a Jackson 5k.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd9rnb/my_wife_didnt_appreciate_this_joke_but_we_saw_a/
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A North Korean Judge walks out of the courtroom, laughing his head off

His friend approaches him and asks “what’s so funny?”
“Oh, I just heard the funniest political joke.” replies the Judge.
“Tell Me!”
“I can’t - I just gave someone life in prison for it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd9q08/a_north_korean_judge_walks_out_of_the_courtroom/
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Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash.

Cop’s wife: Stop kicking the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd9iy0/cop_kicks_door_open_its_time_to_take_out_the_trash/
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How often to airplanes crash?

Usually just once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd9isv/how_often_to_airplanes_crash/
%
Back Pain

A normal person's back:
* Will hurt over time
* Pretty boring overall
* Has a lot of dumb bones
Backstreets back:
* Alright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd9eja/back_pain/
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I made fun of fat men and I became fat

I teased the bald men and I became bald. Now I only make fun of the rich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd96or/i_made_fun_of_fat_men_and_i_became_fat/
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Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:
--Hello, Pizza Hut?
--No, sir. Pizza Google
--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..
--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut
--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please
--Same as always?
--And how do you know what I want?
--Well, according to your street name and your apartment number, your last 12 orders were a large pepperoni pizza
--Uh, o-okay... yeah, I want that please...
--May I suggest pizza without salt and with ricotta, brocoli and tomato?
--What? Why? No! I hate vegetables!
--Your cholesterol is not good sir...
--And how do you know?
--We got your info on your last 7 blood analysis, the numbers are quite bad
--Stop! Enough! I take my medication!
--Uhhh, sorry sir but our database shows that you've not taken it lately. The last box of medication you bought, was bought the 15th of February at 3:45 PM.
--B-But I bought more at another pharmacy!
--Your credit card records tell otherwise...
--I paid in cash! I have another source of income
--Your last tax declaration doesn't show that, sorry sir, we dont want you to have problems with the government...
--Forget it! I dont want my pizza anymore!
--Sorry sir, we just wanna help.
--Help? I'm so tired of Google, Facebook, Instagram,  everything! I'm gonna go to an island where I can live without internet!
--I understand sir, but it says here that your passport expired 5 months ago...
《Credit goes to a Facebook page I follow, I just translated it :D》

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd930a/pizza_google/
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I work as a locksmith...

A job that really opens up a lot of doors to me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd9094/i_work_as_a_locksmith/
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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.
"I swore the other day" says the man.
"continue" says the priest.
"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".
"and this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.
"this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed.
"No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man.
"Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore"
"Nope not yet.  The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole"
The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd8z8w/forgive_me_father_for_i_have_sinned/
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Q: How do you circumcise a sperm whale?

A: Send down four skin divers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd8r0e/q_how_do_you_circumcise_a_sperm_whale/
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A guy said to a girl

"Hey you wanna hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, it's too long"
The girl replied:
"You wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you'll never get it" NSFW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd8q3j/a_guy_said_to_a_girl/
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Three Russian men are talking in the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd8odc/three_russian_men_are_talking_in_the_gulag/
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Irony is

the opposite of wrinkly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd8ke4/irony_is/
%
Child

As a child:
'You are grounded. '
As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm. '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd8ikj/child/
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It was an overwhelming experience when I touched my inner self.

Anyway, I only use 4-ply toilet paper since then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd8hbz/it_was_an_overwhelming_experience_when_i_touched/
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Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little...space...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd8g63/did_you_hear_about_the_claustrophobic_astronaut/
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Your mom is so fat..

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd8d4i/your_mom_is_so_fat/
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My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd89sl/my_uncles_hand_got_caught_in_some_farm_equipment/
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My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess...

So I got drunk, took some drugs, and drove her car into a tunnel wall, killing us both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd897l/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_treat_her_like_a/
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“Mommy, why is Grandpa running in zigzags?”

“Don’t question it, child. Just reload.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd862u/mommy_why_is_grandpa_running_in_zigzags/
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Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender.

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.
He asks the bartender, "What's with the gorilla?"
The bartender says, "Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"
"Sure."
So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.
The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a blow job.
"Wow!", says the guy.
The bartender says "Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"
The guys says, "Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd80og/guy_walks_into_a_bar_sits_and_orders_a_beer_from/
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Why is carbon-14 such a player?

It’s great at dating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd7za1/why_is_carbon14_such_a_player/
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Two older couples were having breakfast.

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's its name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd7ydc/two_older_couples_were_having_breakfast/
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What do you call a redditor who changes accounts and posts the same content on each?

A Karma-Karma-Karma-Chameleon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd7vji/what_do_you_call_a_redditor_who_changes_accounts/
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What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick's hanging out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd7ra8/what_did_the_o_say_to_the_q/
%
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd7q4l/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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I never got school shooter jokes.

Guess there aimed for a younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd7q4t/i_never_got_school_shooter_jokes/
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I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.

He’s a giant banner after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd7niy/i_dont_know_why_marvel_hasnt_tried_to_advertise/
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A man sees his neighbor's son digging a hole....

He asks the boy, "What are you digging the hole for?" The boy replies, "I am burying my goldfish." The man then says, "That hole seems big for a goldfish, no?" The boy answers, "Well your cat still had it in it's stomach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd7ldo/a_man_sees_his_neighbors_son_digging_a_hole/
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Two visionaries walk into a bar...

which is stupid 'cause the second one should've seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd7k6s/two_visionaries_walk_into_a_bar/
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I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets...

then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd7j8b/i_was_wondering_why_does_a_frisbee_appear_larger/
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How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't. They're too busy arresting the light bulb for being broke and beating the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd7h3u/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food,
no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd7cer/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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Why is Toblerone chocolate triangular?

No other shape would fit in the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd7adi/why_is_toblerone_chocolate_triangular/
%
"Master Ludwig," said Beethoven's manservant one day, "where do you get your inspiration from?"

"Why, from you of course, dear Heinrich!" Beethoven answered.
Heinrich slapped his thigh in delight. "Oh, what a joker you are, master! A genius like you inspired by a dullard like me! That's a good one. Ha-ha-ha-*haaaah*! Ha-ha-ha-*haaaah!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd792t/master_ludwig_said_beethovens_manservant_one_day/
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Two melons meet at the market and fall in love. One says to the other, "Let's run away together and get married!" The other replies:

"I cantaloupe, but honeydew I want to!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd70qs/two_melons_meet_at_the_market_and_fall_in_love/
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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd6z64/my_wife_has_this_weird_ocd_where_she_arranges_the/
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What did Delaware?

Idaho, Alaska........ She wore her New Jersey.
(this was a dad joke decades before they were called Dad jokes.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd6ygc/what_did_delaware/
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Trying to masturbate under a sheet is hard

Especially if you don't want the barber to notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd6pnp/trying_to_masturbate_under_a_sheet_is_hard/
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I hate suicidal cannibals

They're so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd6n1s/i_hate_suicidal_cannibals/
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What is the similarity between Nike and the KKK

They both make black people run faster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd6id7/what_is_the_similarity_between_nike_and_the_kkk/
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I bought a new book yesterday. It's the Biography of Jimmy Scotch, the inventor of "Scotch Tape"

Unfortunately I couldn't find the beginning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd6ftl/i_bought_a_new_book_yesterday_its_the_biography/
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A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach

He had no arms and no legs.  Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past  and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said, 'Have you ever  had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The  Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,'  so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him  and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?' The man broke into a big  smile and said,' No.' She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes  in.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd6bhp/a_man_was_sitting_on_a_blanket_at_the_beach/
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Without Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd67tk/without_arabs_we_wouldnt_have_911/
%
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd65jk/which_sexual_position_produces_the_ugliest/
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Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?

Because it keeps Dublin (courtesy of my dad).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd642n/why_is_ireland_the_biggest_country_in_the_world/
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A man walks into a bar..

He sees a piece of steak hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what’s that for? The bartender replies “If you can jump up there and touch that steak I’ll buy you a drink, but if you jump and miss it, you have to buy me a drink, want to try?”
The man replies, no thanks, the steaks are too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd62xb/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do cannibals call Usain Bolt?

Fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd5rak/what_do_cannibals_call_usain_bolt/
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What did Zeus say to Athena when she cracked out of his head in full armor?

Girl, you are really getting on Minerva.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd5p3l/what_did_zeus_say_to_athena_when_she_cracked_out/
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A fly

Once there was a forest and in this forest there was a river. Flying above this river there was a fly about six inches from the water.
But what the fly didn't know is that there was a fish looking at the fly, and the fish thought to himself. That fly drops down six inches I'm gonna have myself a really nice meal.
But what the fish didn't know was that there was a bear looking at fish, looking at the fly. So the bear thought to himself that fly drops down six inches, the fish eats the fly I eat the fish, I'm gonna have myself a really nice meal.
But what the bear didn't know was that there was a marksman having a sandwich. The marksman noticed the bear looking at fish looking at the fly. So the marksman thinks to himself, that fly drops down six inches, that fish eats the fly, the bear eats the fish, I shoot the bear, I'm gonna have myself a really nice meal.
But what the marksman didn't know was that there was a mouse looking at the marksman eating his sandwich. The mouse also noticed he was looking at the bear, looking at the fish looking at the fly. So the mouse thought to himself, that fly drops down six inches, the fish eats the fly, the bear eats the fish, the marksman drops his sandwich and shoots the bear, I'm gonna have myself a really nice meal.
But what the mouse didn't know was that there was a cat looking at the mouse, looking at the marksman (and his sandwich) , looking at the bear looking at the fish looking at the fly. So the cat thought to himself that fly drops down six inches, the fish eats the fly, the bear eats the fish, the marksman shoots the bear and drops his sandwich, the mouse goes for the sandwich, and I'm gonna have myself a really nice meal.
So it happens, the fly drops down six inches, the fish eats the fly, the bear eats the fish, the marksman shoots the bear and drops his sandwich, the mouse goes for the sandwich, but the cat fails and falls into the river.
There is a lesson to be learned here, that it doesn't matter where  you are or what you are doing. Whenever a fly drops down six inches a pussy is gonna end up getting wet.
***NOT MY JOKE***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd5oso/a_fly/
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People think having space isn't important

But there is a big difference between a kid napping, and a kidnapping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd5or4/people_think_having_space_isnt_important/
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Octopus: [gun in each hand]

Cat: you're one short buddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd5j0l/octopus_gun_in_each_hand/
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What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.
*(fly-swatter)*
It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd5hyq/what_type_of_drink_do_insects_avoid/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a well known 6 offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd5fw0/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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We all know 7 ate 9, but why?

It needed 3^(2) meals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd5bnx/we_all_know_7_ate_9_but_why/
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When a mother or father decide to get a sex change operation, their children will no longer be able to see them clearly

They are transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd5ack/when_a_mother_or_father_decide_to_get_a_sex/
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What does Popeye put on his dick to have sex?

Olive Oyle..!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd57mr/what_does_popeye_put_on_his_dick_to_have_sex/
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A book fell on my head

I get I've got my shelf to blame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd55lz/a_book_fell_on_my_head/
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Just a weird thought

"The Stranger Things" should be named "The Familiar Things" now. Come on those kids have been fighting strange things for 2 years now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd50ja/just_a_weird_thought/
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A game of hide and seek

4 brothers were playing a game of hide and seek; Manners, None of your business, Shit and Trouble.
Manners, being the oldest, is elected as the seeker. Not long after finishing counting, he finds None of your business and Shit. Trouble, the youngest of the brothers, is noted as the best hide and seek player so they team up to find him.
After half an hour of non-stop searching, they fail to find him and set out of the house to look. While they searched the streets, Shit takes a fall and Manners stays to help him up. He tells None of your business to continue searching.
None of your business ends up bumping into a police officer so enlists him for help.
Policeman: “Hello there mate, what’s your name?”
“None of your business”, the boy replies.
Policeman: “Excuse me?! Are you looking for trouble young man?”
“Yeah, why? Have you seen him?”
Policeman: “My goodness, where’s your manners?”
“Round the corner picking Shit up”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd50f7/a_game_of_hide_and_seek/
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Today I found an alien in my freezer.

When I asked him what he was doing in there, he said "I cum in peas".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4z9u/today_i_found_an_alien_in_my_freezer/
%
Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4y9l/why_do_cows_have_bells/
%
The most offensive thing as a black man is when you walkin down the street and an old white lady clutches her purse...

&nbsp;
&nbsp;
...this bitch really think she stronger than me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4xjq/the_most_offensive_thing_as_a_black_man_is_when/
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Why did the frat guy want to major in anatomy?

He thought he would get to study abroad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4x5t/why_did_the_frat_guy_want_to_major_in_anatomy/
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Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered six-offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4vdl/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
What do you call a paedophilic IT teacher?

PDF File

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4v9p/what_do_you_call_a_paedophilic_it_teacher/
%
What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad beat me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4r5h/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
My new girlfriend told me that having a tiny penis isn't such a big deal

But I dunno... I kinda wish she didn't have one at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4qfj/my_new_girlfriend_told_me_that_having_a_tiny/
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I want my coffee just like my wife

Cold and bitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4kly/i_want_my_coffee_just_like_my_wife/
%
Honeypots

-Hey, what’s going on, Pooh?
-Hello, Piglet. Christopher left us 10 honeypots. That makes 8 for each.
-No, Pooh, that makes 5 for each of us.
-Dunno about that, already ate mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4j8q/honeypots/
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What do you get when you mix alcohol and wall painting?

Plastered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4heo/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_alcohol_and_wall/
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I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?”
So I did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4gfs/i_was_beaten_up_by_a_busty_women_in_an_elevator/
%
You wanna hear something that will make you smile?

Your face muscles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4dnn/you_wanna_hear_something_that_will_make_you_smile/
%
How do communists give handjobs?

They seize their partners means of reproduction!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4c3v/how_do_communists_give_handjobs/
%
French Games

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games.
He said, “Wii.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4amy/french_games/
%
Teacher asked little Johnny to use Urinate in a sentence

Little johnny says, "you're and eight, but with bigger tits you'd be a ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd4a62/teacher_asked_little_johnny_to_use_urinate_in_a/
%
What do you call a def gynecologist??

A lip reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd49rj/what_do_you_call_a_def_gynecologist/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7, because seven ate 9 but why did 7 eat 9

Because you need 3 squared meals a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd44j7/why_was_6_afraid_of_7_because_seven_ate_9_but_why/
%
My husband found me rooting through the back of his wardrobe last night......

"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Narnia business", I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd42da/my_husband_found_me_rooting_through_the_back_of/
%
I dropped one of my anxiety seeds a while ago

It’s a growing concern

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd41ud/i_dropped_one_of_my_anxiety_seeds_a_while_ago/
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What is 230-220*0.5?

It's 5!
Edit :some people don't get it, try keying 5! in your calculator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd3yrt/what_is_23022005/
%
Still, my wife doesn't shut up

I told my wife: "Let's put it in your ear."
She replied: "But I will become deaf, if you do that".
I told her: "Don't worry, I've put it in your mouth now for 20 years, and still you did not shut up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd3yg8/still_my_wife_doesnt_shut_up/
%
What do you call a loud annoying bee?

Cardi Bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd3scv/what_do_you_call_a_loud_annoying_bee/
%
What do you call a tree owned by a chemist?

Chemist's tree!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd3q1o/what_do_you_call_a_tree_owned_by_a_chemist/
%
I got mad at my wife when she dropped ice cubes and they went under the refrigerator.

It's just water under the fridge now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd3oy6/i_got_mad_at_my_wife_when_she_dropped_ice_cubes/
%
I never understood school shooter jokes

I guess they are aimed at a younger audience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd3lw4/i_never_understood_school_shooter_jokes/
%
What makes overweight people so attractive?

They have a strong gravitational pull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd3k5t/what_makes_overweight_people_so_attractive/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiots house.
*knock knock*
"Who's there?"
The chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd3dlj/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to break into Fort Knox?

Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd3clm/what_did_the_burglar_say_when_he_detonated_a_bomb/
%
Eight of the Supreme Court justices, except for Ginsburg, went out on a killing spree, executing everyone they came across.....

... they were Ruthless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd3aut/eight_of_the_supreme_court_justices_except_for/
%
My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before I went to the store

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd39c9/my_wife_told_me_to_add_ketchup_to_the_shopping/
%
Did you know that when someone likes you, their voice goes higher when talking to you?

That's probably why the girls I talk to sound like batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd352d/did_you_know_that_when_someone_likes_you_their/
%
Not Tonight

My buddy goes up to his wife and says, "Here's two extra strength painkillers, " and she's like, "What's that for?" He says, "That's for your headache." She says, "I don't have a headache."....
Courtesy: Craig Groeschel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd3258/not_tonight/
%
At the sperm bank

me: thanks for the glass of milk earlier
sperm bank employee: what glass of milk?
me: the glass of milk that was on your desk
sperm bank employee: oh my god
me: what?
sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd2z7h/at_the_sperm_bank/
%
How do you get dragon milk?

Find a cow with no back legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd2vbl/how_do_you_get_dragon_milk/
%
The inventor of dog treats died earlier today.

He was a good boy. Yes he was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd2qx6/the_inventor_of_dog_treats_died_earlier_today/
%
A man entered his house....

A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every  lamp in his house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd2qvw/a_man_entered_his_house/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd2oy7/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Rocky has broken his leg and his buddy Bob comes over to see him.

Bob: How are you doing?
Rocky: Fine.  Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs and get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!
Bob goes upstairs and sees Rocky's hot twin sisters lying on the bed.
Bob: your brother sent me up two have sex with you girls..
Twins: Prove it!
Bob (Shouting): Hey Rocky.., both of them ??
Rocky (Shouting back): Of course! What's the point of fucking one???..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd2oj0/rocky_has_broken_his_leg_and_his_buddy_bob_comes/
%
Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means

Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd2ns8/everyone_keeps_making_fun_of_me_because_i_dont/
%
A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.

Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window.
When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived.
“You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentrate really hard as you fall, you temporarily float just before you hit the ground.”
The man was so amazed that he too chugged a pint even faster than the other man, then jumped out of the window. He fell and fell and fell... and then landed on the ground with a splat. He died instantly.
The bartender then turned to the man in the bar and said, “You’re such a dick when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd2ji4/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_on_the_100th_floor_of_a/
%
Campfire stories.

An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret are sitting at a campfire swapping tough guy stories.
The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."
Not to be out done by the ranger, the seal chimes in. "We navy seals are so tough, one time I swam upstream 8 miles into enemy lines. Once there, I took out a whole company of enemy special forces, and snuck back out with 100 pounds of their top secret weapons."
The green beret sat there nodding his head listening while stirring the coals with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd2i0i/campfire_stories/
%
I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they are aimed at an younger audience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd2hqk/i_never_understood_school_shooting_jokes/
%
An interview with a vampire

.
Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.
Voad: Well, I have taken part in many activities to pass the time. Through subtle influence, I have bought monarchs to the throne, and ended the span of tyrannical leaders. I have replaced chaos with order, and then installed chaos back in its place. But in recent years, I have taken great pleasure in the mundane. The every day. The boring.
I: Please, tell me more about the recent years.
V: I have taken my place in society, tried to give back to a world that has given me so much by fulfilling some tasks that others would not. I have rid the planet of a number of diseases by removing their carriers. I have stopped wars before they started. But most recently, it has been a more direct approach. Sweeping the streets, emptying bins. My current role has been the most surprising.
I: And what are you doing currently that is so surprising?
V: Well, cleaning. It gives me great pleasure. Sweeping, dusting, mopping. All of it. I am enjoying this more than anything else I have done. And one aspect has been a massive surprise to me.
I: Really?
V: Yes. Cleaning mirrors. It’s just not a job that I ever saw myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd2h8d/an_interview_with_a_vampire/
%
They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry

but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd2bao/they_say_to_never_go_shopping_for_food_when_youre/
%
What Fighting technique does Hitler hate

Jew jitsu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd2b0u/what_fighting_technique_does_hitler_hate/
%
What do you call fake cheese?

Scamembert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd28pg/what_do_you_call_fake_cheese/
%
Why is 10 always afraid?

Because he was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd28iy/why_is_10_always_afraid/
%
What did Keanu Reeves say to the air thief

Your breathtaking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd289y/what_did_keanu_reeves_say_to_the_air_thief/
%
I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights.

Who wants some?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd27jc/i_just_printed_some_pamphlets_on_how_not_to_say/
%
7 years ago today I pleaded with my snowman not to attempt the river crossing but he wouldn't listen and is lost to me forever.

It's all water under the bridge now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd232s/7_years_ago_today_i_pleaded_with_my_snowman_not/
%
Why did the monk not get into the monastery?

Because he lost his monkeys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd1ufx/why_did_the_monk_not_get_into_the_monastery/
%
What is the Pirate's favourite musical instrument?

A guit- ARGGHHH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd1rql/what_is_the_pirates_favourite_musical_instrument/
%
What is a superstitious monsters favorite daily read?

Its horrorscope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd1ory/what_is_a_superstitious_monsters_favorite_daily/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd1nr2/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Have you heard the story of two furnaces that fell in love?

Every time I read it, it smelts my heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd1nf4/have_you_heard_the_story_of_two_furnaces_that/
%
To counter the Islamist movement, we need to inject more christianity into our children.

No, father, not THAT way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd1fkh/to_counter_the_islamist_movement_we_need_to/
%
In the mid-1950s, black and white were in harmony.

Unfortunately, that was only on the TV screen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd1bkx/in_the_mid1950s_black_and_white_were_in_harmony/
%
An old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing.

So he decides to test her. One night while she's cooking on the stove, he stands behind her at the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No answer. He walks a few feet closer and asked again. "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no answer. He slowly shakes his head, puts his arms on her shoulders and whispers,  "Honey, what's for dinner?" She yells, "FOR THE THIRD TIME, HAROLD, WE'RE HAVING ROAST BEEF!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd14h9/an_old_man_thinks_his_wife_is_losing_her_hearing/
%
It doesn't matter how much kindness and generosity you teach your Children..

German Kids Are always going to be Kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd12ki/it_doesnt_matter_how_much_kindness_and_generosity/
%
For me it was the best sex of my life.

For her it was just another epileptic seizure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd11bf/for_me_it_was_the_best_sex_of_my_life/
%
I lost 20% of my brush

Bruh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd0ut8/i_lost_20_of_my_brush/
%
I heard a rumour there is a remake of Brokeback mountain in the works starring women

On the one hand im sick of all these remakes, on the other hand...
Will be lotion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd0tiw/i_heard_a_rumour_there_is_a_remake_of_brokeback/
%
I accidentally glued my girlfriend's butt cheeks together.

She hasn't talked to me in three days , but I can feel the shitstorm coming. ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd0tcz/i_accidentally_glued_my_girlfriends_butt_cheeks/
%
What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd0rmm/what_do_you_call_an_excitable_small_black_insect/
%
I just joined a group called D.I.C.K.

It stands for International Center for Dyslexic Kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd0p4f/i_just_joined_a_group_called_dick/
%
Woman searching for a husband

A woman goes to the husband store. The store owner tells her each floor has better quality men, but once she leaves a floor she can not return. On the first floor are nice, cute men. "I can do better" she thinks to herself. She goes to the second floor. There she finds nice, cute men with high paying jobs"I can do better" she thinks to herself. On the third floor, she finds nice, cute men with high paying jobs and huge cocks. "I can do better" she thinks to herself. When she get to the 4th floor, there is nothing but a sign. As she gets closer, she reads what it says.
"There are no men here. This floor exists only to prove that you can never please women"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd0fkd/woman_searching_for_a_husband/
%
I’ve spent the last three years searching for my ex-girlfriend’s killer

unfortunately, no one is willing to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd08pq/ive_spent_the_last_three_years_searching_for_my/
%
My dog can lick his own genitals but I'm not impressed by that because I can do it too

It actually quite easy for me to lick his genitals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cd00sb/my_dog_can_lick_his_own_genitals_but_im_not/
%
What's the difference between a carrot and an antivax kid?

One grows in the ground, the other goes in the ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cczzoo/whats_the_difference_between_a_carrot_and_an/
%
I found out recently that penguins mate for life

I wish someone would have told me that before I fucked all those penguins.
They will not leave me alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cczw5y/i_found_out_recently_that_penguins_mate_for_life/
%
A Guy's Mom Comes to Have Dinner at His Apartment

She notices that his female roommate is very attractive, and drops a few hints to him, wondering if they are more than just roommates. He assures her this is not the case. Dinner and the visit conclude, and mom goes home.
The next day, his roommate notices that their large silver serving spoon and fork are missing. "You don't think your mother *took* them, do you?" she inquires of the fella.
"No, I'm sure she wouldn't do that...They'll turn up somewhere," he replies.
A week goes by, and still no sign of the serving set. "I really think you need to cal your mother and ask," says his roommate.
So he calls her up. after a few pleasantries, he comes out with it: "Look, Mom, I'm not saying you did take it, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact is, our serving set has been missing since you came to dinner last week."
"Well, son, I'm not saying you do sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying you don't, but the fact is, if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the serving set a week ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cczvsm/a_guys_mom_comes_to_have_dinner_at_his_apartment/
%
What do you call it when a KKK member is rambling incoherently?

White Noise!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cczv41/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_kkk_member_is_rambling/
%
Trump said he could murder someone in broad daylight and not lose any supporters.

Sadly, that was the last time he ever told the truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cczupr/trump_said_he_could_murder_someone_in_broad/
%
Sex using telekinesis

Mind blowing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cczq9y/sex_using_telekinesis/
%
Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick.

How low can some people go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cczoke/someone_broke_into_my_house_and_stole_my_limbo/
%
What's the difference between an onion and an anti vaxxer?

No one cries when you cut up an anti vaxxer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cczh7z/whats_the_difference_between_an_onion_and_an_anti/
%
My wife gives me sound advice.

90% sound, 10% advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccz9yj/my_wife_gives_me_sound_advice/
%
My Pirate Girlfriend only likes Sex in the Sea

Sex in the A, not so much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccyzeq/my_pirate_girlfriend_only_likes_sex_in_the_sea/
%
A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, “Are you and your husband sexually active?” “Yes,” the woman said. “We have verbal sex everyday.” “Verbal sex?I think you mean oral sex” the doctor said. “I mean verbal sex.” the woman said.

“Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’ ”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccyz8e/a_woman_visited_her_doctor_for_her_annual_exam/
%
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...

Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccyrto/hello_my_name_is_lettuce_and_i_was_going_to_the/
%
Dude #1: “I’ve got a thing for plucking people’s eyes out.”

Dude #2: “I can see that.”
Dude #1: “No you can’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccyq0s/dude_1_ive_got_a_thing_for_plucking_peoples_eyes/
%
A number of the jokes in this sub are all paper joke

They're so tearable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccyop2/a_number_of_the_jokes_in_this_sub_are_all_paper/
%
A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.
One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.
The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play. There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player. The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.
Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus. The octopus took it and stared for a bit. After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo. This man paid his $50 and sat down.
The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes. The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”
The man agreed and handed them to the octopus. The octopus sat there eying the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile. The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus,
“Hurry up and start playing the thing”
The octopus replied, “Play it? After I figure out how to get the pajamas off her I’m gonna screw it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccyk8h/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_octopus/
%
How do you make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of ice cream
1 scoop of dead baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccyidb/how_do_you_make_a_dead_baby_float/
%
Why don’t Painters wear sweaters?

..............................cuz they already put on two coats!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccyhlf/why_dont_painters_wear_sweaters/
%
I love summers in America!

We get 2 whole months without a school shooting!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccyhfz/i_love_summers_in_america/
%
The women I want to date are like my credit cards...

No interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccyfgs/the_women_i_want_to_date_are_like_my_credit_cards/
%
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. "T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL"

I said, can't turn that down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccyepe/was_walking_down_the_street_yesterday_seen_an_ad/
%
When did I realize my dog was pregnant?

When it became apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccyae7/when_did_i_realize_my_dog_was_pregnant/
%
A Woman is sitting in the lounge watching TV

Suddenly, she starts shouting "Don't you dare enter that fucking church, don't do it"
Husband walks in and asks the woman what she's watching
Wife replies: "Our wedding video"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccy9lo/a_woman_is_sitting_in_the_lounge_watching_tv/
%
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccy8zl/i_asked_my_wife_to_rate_my_listening_skills_and/
%
All the comic books I inherited from my brothers had the last pages missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccy7sm/all_the_comic_books_i_inherited_from_my_brothers/
%
My car got stolen the other day.

The police asked me if I saw the thief's face.
I told them, "no, but I got their license plate"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccy3gj/my_car_got_stolen_the_other_day/
%
There is nothing more embarrassing than your parents entering your room in the morning when you have an erection

in your mouth...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccxu5p/there_is_nothing_more_embarrassing_than_your/
%
What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 5 years, your job will still *suck*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccxsqp/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
%
What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccxr8z/what_is_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_a/
%
If I make you breakfast in bed all I want is a simple “thank you”

None of this “how’d you get in my house business”
*Not an original joke but I love it and wanted to share*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccxogo/if_i_make_you_breakfast_in_bed_all_i_want_is_a/
%
Why was the stadium so cool ?

It was filled with fans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccxksq/why_was_the_stadium_so_cool/
%
Photon checks into a hotel

A photon checks into a hotel. The bellboy asks if he can carry it's luggage and the photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccxb96/photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
%
Did you hear about the bear with 2 left feet?

No?? Oh... * awkward *paws* *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccx93k/did_you_hear_about_the_bear_with_2_left_feet/
%
I don’t know why people expect to find aliens in Area 51

Trump would have deported them by now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccx8ig/i_dont_know_why_people_expect_to_find_aliens_in/
%
[OC] A man was getting a massage.

The masseuse asks him, “Are you tight in your neck?”
He replies, “No I will not be.”
“How about your back?”
“No I wasn’t.”
“Your legs?”
“No I have.”
“Your feet?”
“No I will.”
The masseuse gives the man his massage, and find that he is tight in all of these places! So the masseuse asks him, “Why did you say you weren’t tight in these places, but you actually were?”
The man replies, “Sorry, I’m not good with my tenses.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccx4ll/oc_a_man_was_getting_a_massage/
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The sign says “Shoes repaired while you wait”

The guy walks in and the shoemaker says they’ll be ready Thursday ...
I thought you said while I wait?
The shoemaker replies...
“If you you want to wait, wait!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccx161/the_sign_says_shoes_repaired_while_you_wait/
%
What do you say when you come across three holes in the ground?

Well well well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccwyyx/what_do_you_say_when_you_come_across_three_holes/
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In kindergarten, I had my first kiss with my crush in the back of the classroom.

Needless to say, I got barred from teaching ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccwxbc/in_kindergarten_i_had_my_first_kiss_with_my_crush/
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A horse and a chick are playing in a meadow...

After a time, the horse gets stuck in the mud. Frantic, he tells the chick to run to the farm and get the farmer to pull him out.
The chick runs as fast as her little legs will carry her and reaches the farm to find the farmer is nowhere to be seen. She finds an open window into the farmhouse and frantically searches for a way to save her equine friend. At this point, she notices the keys to the farmer's shiny BMW. She gets the keys, drives to the meadow and tows the horse to freedom. The horse is eternally grateful.
The next day, they are playing in the meadow again and the chick gets stuck in a different patch of mud. "Quick," she cries, "go get the BMW and save me!" The horse thinks for a minute and says "I have a better idea," so he stands over the chick and thinks of erotic equine fantasies before asking the chick to hold on whilst he drags her to safety. The chick is perturbed, but eternally grateful.
What's the moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccww3r/a_horse_and_a_chick_are_playing_in_a_meadow/
%
What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccwr7c/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccwq1f/i_accidentally_lost_my_sex_toy_the_other_day/
%
I have a ton of jokes about measles!

Though, you vaccinated folks won't get them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccwpjn/i_have_a_ton_of_jokes_about_measles/
%
After a particularly wild staff Christmas party, a man wakes up with a wicked hangover...

He turns over and groans to his wife, "Oh, God! What the hell happened last night?"
"You got drunk, of course, and made a goddamn fool of yourself in front of your boss!" his wife informs him.
"Piss on that fuckin' guy," the man says.
"You did. And he fired you," his wife answers.
"Well, fuck him!" the man replies.
"I did. You go back to work on Monday morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccwp9e/after_a_particularly_wild_staff_christmas_party_a/
%
If people make you sick...

Maybe you should cook them longer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccwir4/if_people_make_you_sick/
%
My Boss Told Me Dress for the Job You Want

My boss told me yesterday, “You shouldn’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I showed up today in Ghostbusters cloths, he said I was fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccwiq9/my_boss_told_me_dress_for_the_job_you_want/
%
I read a suspenseful book about suicide

It really left you hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccwg0x/i_read_a_suspenseful_book_about_suicide/
%
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree

I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccwb7o/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree/
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I've never been sure how to feel about my interracial background

Honestly I'm a little mixed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccw7ln/ive_never_been_sure_how_to_feel_about_my/
%
My doctor the other day told me I have hiv

Me: are you positive?
Doctor: no you are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccw4ti/my_doctor_the_other_day_told_me_i_have_hiv/
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I keep trying to come up with a joke about explosives

But they all blow up in my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccw4ao/i_keep_trying_to_come_up_with_a_joke_about/
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Why is it I can hear my wife's normal tone conversation in the other room...

and she can't even hear me yelling for another god damn beer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccw1y7/why_is_it_i_can_hear_my_wifes_normal_tone/
%
Why do computer soldiers fight

For the motherboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccvzsx/why_do_computer_soldiers_fight/
%
An atom walks into a bar

and orders a drink. The bartender makes him a drink and hands it over. The atom just sits there and sighs. "Why so down?" the bartender asks. "Iv'e lost an electron." the atom answers. "Are you sure?" the bartender asks. "I'm positive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccvz1p/an_atom_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A guy went to the doctor complaining of an orange penis.

The doctor looked at him rather puzzled, as he'd never seen anything like this before.
Doctor: Do you use any unusual chemicals at work?
Patient: No I'm unemployed.
Doctor: How about hobbies, is there anything you do in your spare time that could cause this?
Patient: No I don't really have any hobbies.
Now the doctor was really at a loss!
Doctor: Well what do you do all day?
Patient: Nothing much really. I spend most of my days laying around, eating Cheetos and jerking off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccvunp/a_guy_went_to_the_doctor_complaining_of_an_orange/
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I don't like to joke about 9/11

Because they all tend to crash and burn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccvu3z/i_dont_like_to_joke_about_911/
%
Dentist: This might hurt a bit.

patient: Okay.
dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for three years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccvsl8/dentist_this_might_hurt_a_bit/
%
My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic....

Eaten alive by a giant ass crab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccvry5/my_aunts_sign_was_cancer_so_her_death_was_ironic/
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My wife’s Fitbit must be broken. It said she walked 5 miles.

The only thing she did today was go to our neighbors to get some sugar. Goddamn faulty technology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccvrol/my_wifes_fitbit_must_be_broken_it_said_she_walked/
%
A priest, a bishop, and the Pope are enjoying a leisurely day of fishing...

...when the bishop stands up, rocking their dinghy a little as he stretches. "Well, I'm parched!" he announces. "Back in a verse," he adds before stepping out of the boat, casually walking across the lake to the cooler. *Amazing, he is truly blessed by the Lord to walk across water,* thinks the Pope as he witnesses the miracle before him.
His wonderment only grows when the humble priest stands up as well, saying, "I think I'm going to grab one of the sandwiches myself. Would you like anything, your holiness?" The Pope simply waves him on, unable to summon words at the sight of even the priest walking along the lake's placid surface.
Moments pass before the Pope comes to a realization. *Why, I am the most devout and steadfast believer of all! If the Lord has seen fit to grant the ability to walk across water to even my priests, then surely I can, too!" He stands up, summons all his faith, and steps over the edge of the boat...
...before promptly flopping into the water.
As his two fishing partners pull him out, the priest says to the bishop, "Do you think we should have told him about the stepping stones?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccvr1x/a_priest_a_bishop_and_the_pope_are_enjoying_a/
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What do you get when you mix a hog and a hand grenade?

Bacon bits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccvolq/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_hog_and_a_hand/
%
I think the Area 51 raid is just stupid.

How do we not know the government won't just relocate them aliens before the 20th?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccvnz0/i_think_the_area_51_raid_is_just_stupid/
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A Jewish girl asked me for my number.

I had to remind her that we've got names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccvb3j/a_jewish_girl_asked_me_for_my_number/
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[Offensive] The director of the live-action Little Mermaid sent a note to his casting director: "we need an actress to play Ariel. Find a ginger."

The casting director was dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccv9yr/offensive_the_director_of_the_liveaction_little/
%
What'd the blind tourist do during WWII?

Not-see Germany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccv56s/whatd_the_blind_tourist_do_during_wwii/
%
How do you stop an anti-vaxxer from drowning?

You don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccv0uf/how_do_you_stop_an_antivaxxer_from_drowning/
%
I recently told my mom that I have a very bad memory.

Or did I?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccuqr5/i_recently_told_my_mom_that_i_have_a_very_bad/
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Day 173 without sex

Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccup3a/day_173_without_sex/
%
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U

Cuz you’re blocking the TV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccum0v/if_i_could_rearrange_the_alphabet_id_move_u/
%
Nude marathon

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” “I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!” “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!” So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked. “Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air. “It feels so wonderfully free!” Another runner moved alongside him. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?” “Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!” Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried,  “Do you always wear a condom when you run?” “Nope……… just when it’s raining

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccukgi/nude_marathon/
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What do you call a painting of the Dalai Lama?

Master Peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccuka2/what_do_you_call_a_painting_of_the_dalai_lama/
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A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally  says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls  flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air  and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries  to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through  the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last  of his strength and tries one final time to stand.
It's  no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken  the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.
'So... you've been out drinking again!'
'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.
'The pub called-- you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccujoc/a_man_has_been_at_the_pub_all_night_drinking/
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My wife really likes cider

She tries all the new brands but she's gone a little wild over her new favourite, she can't get enough. Last week I was going to have a guys night with my buddies and she asked me to drop her off at the pub first. So with my buddies waiting in the car, I pulled into the parking lot and she jumped out of the car and promptly ran into the pub. My one friend commented holy man, your wife have a drinking problem? I said no, she just really wants a Dicken's cider!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccujhw/my_wife_really_likes_cider/
%
My​ wife wanted to use toys in the bedroom

All I can say is there was lego everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccuir6/my_wife_wanted_to_use_toys_in_the_bedroom/
%
Did you hear about the French gym where you have to bring them a baguette or else they won’t let you in?

They have “No le pain, no gain” policy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccug2f/did_you_hear_about_the_french_gym_where_you_have/
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My sister discovered a new universal language but she hasn't said a word

I should've cut off her hands as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccubep/my_sister_discovered_a_new_universal_language_but/
%
What does Superman use to dry himself?

A Tow-El.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccu5gy/what_does_superman_use_to_dry_himself/
%
There’s a man that really likes tractors

But he has no friends because no one else likes tractors but one day he found out about a tractor convention in town so he thought maybe he could find some one else who likes tractors to be his friend
At the convention he see’s a really nice tractor so he gets in and pretends to drive it but then he  is kicked out of the convention
Because he didn’t make any friends he was sad so he went to the bar and there was a ton of smoke in the bar he asked the Bartender if he’d be his friend and the bartender said only if you can get all this smoke out of my bar so he took a deep breath in and then blew it all away then the bartender said I’ll be your friend but how did you do that! And the man said I’m a ex-tractor-fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccu258/theres_a_man_that_really_likes_tractors/
%
What is the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?

One is a 'Goodyear' and the other is a 'great year'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccu018/what_is_the_difference_between_a_tyre_and_365/
%
What's a Russians favorite side dish?

Cold Slav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccty1w/whats_a_russians_favorite_side_dish/
%
Police dogs will be made to have another police dog as a partner starting from next month

The academy is already teaching them how to do a good boy/bad boy routine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cctsoj/police_dogs_will_be_made_to_have_another_police/
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Where do kids with ADHD get sent for summer break?

Concentration camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cctqv1/where_do_kids_with_adhd_get_sent_for_summer_break/
%
Why did the Scarecrow get a promotion?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cctqp8/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
My Grandmother said I was too 'reliant' on technology.

I called her a *hypocrite* and unplugged her life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cctlqo/my_grandmother_said_i_was_too_reliant_on/
%
What do you cover yourself with at night that can keep you hot and cold?

A bipolar blanket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cctku2/what_do_you_cover_yourself_with_at_night_that_can/
%
What do French children call their adopted dad?

Faux Pa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cctgxj/what_do_french_children_call_their_adopted_dad/
%
How do you top a car?

Tep on the brake, tupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cctccd/how_do_you_top_a_car/
%
Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cct6tz/why_do_ducks_have_feathers/
%
Guys, I think I'm cursed.

Everything I eat... it all turns into *shit*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cct3lu/guys_i_think_im_cursed/
%
What do you call a fish with cancer?

Finding chemo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccsuhn/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_cancer/
%
Loosing my virginity was a lot like my first soccer game...

very mediocre, but at least my mom *came*.
*edit: \*Losing*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccsqb4/loosing_my_virginity_was_a_lot_like_my_first/
%
A blonde wants to make some money

So she decides to do some handyman type work and go door to door asking for work. She goes to the first house and asks the owner if she can do any work. The owner says she could paint the porch. He then asks for the price. The blonde says she will charge $50. The owner agrees and gives her some paint and brushes. The owner’s wife overheard this and asked “Do you think she’ll know the porch loops around the house?” The owner says “she was standing on it. She’ll know. The blonde then knocks on the door again and says she’s finished. The owner says “Wow, you did it that fast?” The blonde says yes. The owner reached for his wallet when the blonde says “By the way, that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccsour/a_blonde_wants_to_make_some_money/
%
Where does the spider get his weapons?

The dark web...
(Like where my parents will be selling me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccsnlh/where_does_the_spider_get_his_weapons/
%
After landing at his airplane

the captain forgets to turn off the intercom!
The co-pilot asks "What are you doing after this?"
The pilot replies, "first thing I need to do is go for a shit! then I am gonna fuck the arse off that new blond stewardess.
The Stewardess hears this & runs to the cockpit to confront him, on the way she trips over an old womans foot who helps her back up and says ''Take your time honey, he's going for a shit first..!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccskom/after_landing_at_his_airplane/
%
What was Huawei called before they were famous?

Hua-they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccsdql/what_was_huawei_called_before_they_were_famous/
%
A blonde and a brunette are having a conversation

Blonde: what does IDK stand for?
Brunette: I don’t know
Blonde: OMG nobody does!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccsc4h/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_having_a_conversation/
%
What’s yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccs8f3/whats_yellow_and_cant_swim/
%
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder... "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks. The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland" he says, "Fencing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccs5jm/a_scotsman_an_englishman_and_an_irishman_want_to/
%
So excited to announce that I’ve finally gone viral!

I have bronchitis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccs4vy/so_excited_to_announce_that_ive_finally_gone_viral/
%
They say that walking a dog is the best way to find a woman...

But what if you want to find one that's alive?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccs4t0/they_say_that_walking_a_dog_is_the_best_way_to/
%
How do you stop a homeopath from drowning?

Add more water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccs1wc/how_do_you_stop_a_homeopath_from_drowning/
%
An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches.

When the case gets to court and she is found guilty, the judge decides to make an example of her.
'How many peaches were in that can that you stole?' He asked.
'Six' she said, with tears of remorse in her eyes.
'Then you are hereby sentenced to six months in prison. One month for each peach'.
As the poor lady is lead away, her husband - sitting at the back of the public gallery - leaps to his feet, shouting
'She also stole a can of peas!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccrwom/an_elderly_woman_is_arrested_for_stealing_a_can/
%
Most of the people against death penalty aren't against the concept..

They are just against the execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccrszy/most_of_the_people_against_death_penalty_arent/
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I have this weird ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say ....it’s a gift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccrsth/i_have_this_weird_ability_of_guessing_what_is/
%
How did Luke Skywalker get around the forest moon of Endor?

Ewoked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccre06/how_did_luke_skywalker_get_around_the_forest_moon/
%
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccqvro/if_your_phone_gets_wet_try_putting_it_in_a_bag_of/
%
So happy to read that they've finally found a cure for dyslexia.

It's like music to my arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccqtk7/so_happy_to_read_that_theyve_finally_found_a_cure/
%
What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self harmony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccqsj7/what_do_you_call_an_emo_a_capella_group/
%
A man and his wife go for an evening walk around the neighborhood

As they walk, they stop in front of a tree and the man says, "Look at this tree. Remember when we planted it?"
"Of course I remember", the wife answers. "So many beautiful memories we have together."
"Indeed", says the man. "What great day that was!"
They keep walking and see an old house. The man says "Look at that. Our first house. Do you remember?"
"Of course I do", says the wife. "We've spent such great moments in there. Looks so old now, I cannot believe how long it's been!"
They keep walking together, and stop in front of some very tall bushes. The man looks at his wife with a smile and says "Remember when we were dating? This is where we used to have sex."
His wife blushed, and responded, "Yes, I do remember."
The man starts getting affectionate and says "So, what do you say we get behind those bushes, for old times sake?"
The wife, with a shy smile, answers, "I don't know. At this age?"
The man insists "It doesn't matter! Let's go, it will be fun!"
The wife finally agrees, they get behind the bushes, and, well, start doing it. Right in the middle of it, a police officer comes, points at them with his flashlight and says "OK, you two, get out of there. What's going on here?"
They both rapidly get up, get from behind the bushes and the man says "It's nothing officer, just enjoying something I used to do when I was young, you know, hope you let this one pass."
The officer gets a good look at both of them once again, then looks at the man and says "Fine, you are free to go. However, I'm taking this woman because this is the fifth time I catch her here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccqjxs/a_man_and_his_wife_go_for_an_evening_walk_around/
%
What’s the difference between a baby and a granola bar?

Roughly 500 calories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccqg6f/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_granola/
%
I challenged my girlfriend to make me feel sad and happy at the same time

Then she said: "you have the best dick among all of your friends"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccq8gj/i_challenged_my_girlfriend_to_make_me_feel_sad/
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I hope you understand this

Knock knock
Who's there?
Control freak.
Con-
Okay now you say control freak who

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccq6yb/i_hope_you_understand_this/
%
How Do You Spot a Blind Man at a Nude Beach?

*It's* not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccq6g5/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
%
Last night I dreamt that I was weightless

I was like “0mg”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccq6df/last_night_i_dreamt_that_i_was_weightless/
%
I hit a tomato and ran.

The tomato started running after me but it couldn't ketchup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccq6co/i_hit_a_tomato_and_ran/
%
A new stipulation which would have allowed medical marijuana to be prescribed for constipation was rejected in Congress today...

The Congressman’s closing remarks were “shit or get off the pot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccq3hl/a_new_stipulation_which_would_have_allowed/
%
How many dead bodies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Obviously not 8 because my basement is still dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccq2b1/how_many_dead_bodies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccq1xf/justice_is_best_served_cold/
%
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.
** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me
they found this offensive. I reread it and I
agree. Here is the updated version of the
joke:
Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from
drowning?
A. Take your foot off his or her head.
Again, I apologize to any feminists out
there for my originally posted version.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccq1g9/how_do_you_stop_an_antivaxer_from_drowning/
%
What's it like living in North Korea?

Can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccq131/whats_it_like_living_in_north_korea/
%
I don't trust stairs

They're always up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccpzvb/i_dont_trust_stairs/
%
Do you wanna hear a clean Joke?

I took a bath with bubbles.
Do you wanna hear a dirty Joke?
Bubbles was a Man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccpzm6/do_you_wanna_hear_a_clean_joke/
%
WHY do you NEVER see Native Americans at nice restaurants?

White men took their reservations..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccpzkj/why_do_you_never_see_native_americans_at_nice/
%
What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?

One has a bill on their face and the other has their face on a bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccpzba/whats_the_difference_between_a_duck_and_george/
%
a kid goes to her dad.

the girl says: “dad I killed a butterfly today”
the dad replied: “that’s not good. no butter for a month!”
the girl says: “I also killed a cockroach today”
the dad laughs: “nice try kiddo”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccpz2t/a_kid_goes_to_her_dad/
%
Coming home from work

I walked into my home to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall it said “We have your wife, if you need to see her alive again it will cost you $100,000, do not call the police, we are very determined, await a phone call.
They really are determined I have36 missed calls from them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccpwvz/coming_home_from_work/
%
What's the difference between anti-vax kids and anti-vax jokes?

One of them gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccpw0x/whats_the_difference_between_antivax_kids_and/
%
This is my favourite joke I made, I hope no-one else has thought about it

Q. How do you get an old English woman to say "f**k"
A. Get someone else to shout "bingo!"
Some will get it, some will be offended. Most won't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccpst7/this_is_my_favourite_joke_i_made_i_hope_noone/
%
There's nothing more annoying than people who get their sayings wrong.

I mean, it's not rocket salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccpkzj/theres_nothing_more_annoying_than_people_who_get/
%
My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be true love, haven't seen her for weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccpk1l/my_14yearold_daughter_has_finally_met_her_online/
%
The Penguin

A Guy goes to a prostitute and asks what she can do.  She asks him how much money does he have?  The guy says, "Only $10."  The prostitute says, "For $10, I can give you a penguin."  The guy figures this is new lingo, so he pays her the money.  In an alleyway, she pulls down his pants and starts blowing him.  Just as he tells her he is about to cum, she gets up and walks away.  The guy chases after her with his pants around his ankles and yells, "wait, come back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccpb6n/the_penguin/
%
I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn't have left unfinished work over the weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccp9yy/i_lost_my_job_as_a_surgeon/
%
I don't hate lazy people anymore.

Found someone else who does it for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccp854/i_dont_hate_lazy_people_anymore/
%
What do you call a fat server?

An overwaiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccp813/what_do_you_call_a_fat_server/
%
How do you stop children with thick curly black hair from jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccp3wf/how_do_you_stop_children_with_thick_curly_black/
%
What concert cost 45c?

50 Cent & Nickleback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccp3gr/what_concert_cost_45c/
%
Before my surgery, my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccoy44/before_my_surgery_my_anaesthetist_offered_to/
%
Would you like to hear a construction joke?

Well I’m still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccot7k/would_you_like_to_hear_a_construction_joke/
%
I have sex almost everyday!!!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, almost on Sunday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccosz9/i_have_sex_almost_everyday/
%
I came home early yesterday to catch my son with some guy’s cock in his mouth.

Hell of a way to find out he was a cannibal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccoogh/i_came_home_early_yesterday_to_catch_my_son_with/
%
I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccolzw/i_took_a_video_of_my_shoe_yesterday/
%
My new girlfriend has a fetish for being covered in cheese and pickle.

She's a cracker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccokor/my_new_girlfriend_has_a_fetish_for_being_covered/
%
Did you hear about the depressed atheist?

He didn't even believe in himself 🙁

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccoh98/did_you_hear_about_the_depressed_atheist/
%
How do you get a Scotsman to fall asleep?

Ask him how many times he’s had sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccoh26/how_do_you_get_a_scotsman_to_fall_asleep/
%
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.

Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccof50/so_a_guy_buys_a_playstation_and_starts_an_ea_game/
%
Three days ago, I started with that new penis enlargement method where you have to put on 10 penis rings at once. And you know what: It works.

It's already turning black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccodpg/three_days_ago_i_started_with_that_new_penis/
%
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?

Take off the ring and your house is gone
This post sure "blew up"
Just like my house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cco5ty/what_does_a_hand_grenade_have_in_common_with_a/
%
A man visits the house of a new acquaintance.

In the gate to the yard there is a "Beware of Dog" sign and he starts hearing barks. He gets in and locks the gate behind him while he hears the barks getting louder. Looking all around him he can't see a dog so he goes to the door while the barks seem to get closer. At the last second he sees a tiny dog where he was just about to step.
Getting in the house he asks his friend "why do you have a "Beware of Dog" sign if the dog is so small"
"You know how many people stepped on him before I got the sign?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cco45u/a_man_visits_the_house_of_a_new_acquaintance/
%
My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.
That was nice of them to say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cco406/my_bank_recently_called_me_to_let_me_know_i_had/
%
I used to laugh at poop jokes

then I realised how shitty they are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cco3h6/i_used_to_laugh_at_poop_jokes/
%
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cco210/apparently_there_is_bipartisan_agreement_in/
%
How many cops does it take to throw a person down the stairs?

None.  They fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cco0ww/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_throw_a_person_down/
%
“Dad, I’m so happy. I got a B in reading!”

Dad: That’s a D, idiot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cco01h/dad_im_so_happy_i_got_a_b_in_reading/
%
There’s a small community trying to save our world and reduce global warming

Anti-vaxxers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccnwi1/theres_a_small_community_trying_to_save_our_world/
%
Why didnt hitler drive with taxis?

Because he was  a ubermensch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccnkon/why_didnt_hitler_drive_with_taxis/
%
Construction Code

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw".
The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.
The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!''
The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccngny/construction_code/
%
Never trust atoms....

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccngc5/never_trust_atoms/
%
My neighbour came round to see me at 2AM yesterday,

It was lucky I was up playing the bagpipes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccn5gu/my_neighbour_came_round_to_see_me_at_2am_yesterday/
%
My maths professor got fired last week...

he was caught deriving under the influence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccmuz3/my_maths_professor_got_fired_last_week/
%
What do you call a whale with bad posture??

A hunchback whale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccmuo6/what_do_you_call_a_whale_with_bad_posture/
%
Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the ark-hives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccmu9i/where_did_noah_keep_his_bees/
%
How do you get a holy person?

Beat the hell out of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccmtba/how_do_you_get_a_holy_person/
%
My wife complained that my life revolves around Facebook and it has destroyed the way we communicate.

So I've blocked her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccmsc4/my_wife_complained_that_my_life_revolves_around/
%
“Where’s your bicycle, Father?"

... I asked the parish priest. It was the first time I had seen him walking in years!
“Don’t know, I think it might have been stolen, but I'll know for sure on Sunday” he replied. “At my next sermon I will go through the Ten Commandments. When I get to ‘thou shalt not steal’ I'll be watching their faces closely. Someone's sure to look guilty.”
The following week, sure enough, he was riding the bike again. So I asked him if the Ten Commandments thing had worked as planned: “Not quite. I got as far as 'thou shall not commit adultery' ... and then remembered where I'd left the bike.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccmprn/wheres_your_bicycle_father/
%
A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccmlzn/a_guy_sees_a_sign_that_says_volunteers_needed_for/
%
A man with one leg recently got a job working at a brewery.

He was put in charge of the hops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccml8o/a_man_with_one_leg_recently_got_a_job_working_at/
%
I don't have anything personal against left-handers.

It's just that they're not right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccmko1/i_dont_have_anything_personal_against_lefthanders/
%
My friend has been up in court for defacing library books

He was discovered tippexing all the full stops out, the judge said he should expect a long sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccmjmo/my_friend_has_been_up_in_court_for_defacing/
%
What do you call a thick Indian babysitter?

Naany

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccmip1/what_do_you_call_a_thick_indian_babysitter/
%
What do you call it when you throw a nun?

nunchaku.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccmglr/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_throw_a_nun/
%
Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?

[remooved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccmgje/why_didnt_the_cows_post_get_any_upvotes/
%
Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccmcqu/why_dont_ants_get_sick/
%
Don't worry if you have been cheating on your taxes.

It'll be fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccmben/dont_worry_if_you_have_been_cheating_on_your_taxes/
%
Justice is best served cold!!!

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater...
I'm here all week guys!!!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccma34/justice_is_best_served_cold/
%
A man is in the hospital.

He has some respiratory issues so they have him wearing a mask. He's all tucked into bed when a nurse comes in to do her rounds. He asks the nurse "are my testicles black"? The nurse thinks this is odd, but lifts up the sheets and says "No they normal". The man pulls of the mask and says "No, I asked if my test results were back".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccm5tf/a_man_is_in_the_hospital/
%
Three days after the death of Jesus

Mary, after visiting the tomb runs to the disciples and says "He's gone! Jesus's body has disappeared."
Simon: "Maybe he was given UpJesus"
Mary: "What's UpJesus?"
Jesus {Risen}: "Not much. What's up with you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccm0wp/three_days_after_the_death_of_jesus/
%
I attached all my watches together to make a belt.....

It was a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cclz3u/i_attached_all_my_watches_together_to_make_a_belt/
%
Did you hear John McAfee is accused of murder?

The trial will last 30 days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cclyct/did_you_hear_john_mcafee_is_accused_of_murder/
%
[Offensive] The director of the live-action Little Mermaid sent a note to his casting director: "we need an actress to play Ariel. Find a ginger."

The casting director was dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cclv47/offensive_the_director_of_the_liveaction_little/
%
Hey girl are you Area 51?

Cause the government will shoot me for trying to get inside you forcefully

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cclv13/hey_girl_are_you_area_51/
%
My friend made a vow that he would never swear.

But then one day he said fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cclhfg/my_friend_made_a_vow_that_he_would_never_swear/
%
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?

Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccle74/what_does_a_gun_and_a_pack_of_gum_have_in_common/
%
How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all of your beer?

Invite another Mormon over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccldjn/how_do_you_keep_a_mormon_from_drinking_all_of/
%
A farmer named Carl finds a baby giraffe

A farmer named Carl was driving down the road when he saw a box on the side of the road. Carl pulled over and was shocked to see that inside the box there was a baby giraffe. Carl leaned down and said “holy crap, how did you get here little buddy?”. To his astonishment, the giraffe looked up and said “howdy! my name is Jerry, I’m not sure how I got here”. Carl agreed that he would take Jerry home and try to figure out where he came from and give him a place to sleep for the night.
Carl and Jerry immediately took to each other. It was clear that Jerry has suffered some type of head injury and couldn’t remember anything before Carl picking him up.  Over the next few weeks, Carl helped nurse Jerry back to health, and after some deliberation, decided that he would adopt Jerry the giraffe and let him live on his farm with the other animals.
Years went by and Carl and Jerry became the best of friends. On Jerry’s 8th birthday, Carl asked Jerry what he would want to do on his birthday. Jerry decided that he had always wanted to go to the movies. Every time they had thought about going before, they declined going because of, you know, Jerrys large neck blocking everyone’s view. Carl agreed that they would get there early so they could sit in the last row and not disturb any of the other movie goers.
Before going to the movie, Carl brought out a large sheet cake to celebrate Jerry’s birthday. Jerry, who was never allowed to have cake before, immediately ate the entire cake in three quick bites. Carl was bummed that he didn’t get any cake, but cut Jerry some slack because it was his birthday and he had never had cake before. At this point, Jerry had grown quite large and Carl also quickly realized that he should have gotten a bigger cake.
Off to the movies they went, Jerry sitting on a trailer towed behind Carl’s pickup truck.  Jerry had to crouch over completely to get through the front door, but just barely made it into the theater lobby. Once in the theater, Jerry got a sudden head rush from all of the sugar in the birthday cake, and began to get dizzy. He spun around several times, and flopped over the popcorn counter nearly crushing the server and breaking the glass candy display in the process.
The manager of the theater came running out after hearing the commotion. The manager looked at Carl and pointing his finger directly at Jerry said, “Sir, does this animal belong to you?”
Carl responded: “Yes, sir. His name is Jerry and this is his first time at the movies”
The manager shook his head and looking over at Jerry said “you will have to pay for a new counter, and you can’t leave that lyin around here”.
Carl replied “Oh sir, that’s not a lyin, it’s a giraffe”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccl736/a_farmer_named_carl_finds_a_baby_giraffe/
%
Two women got pissed drunk and...

And on the way back they were walking through the cemetery and they wanted to take a piss.
One of them took a piss, wiped herself with her underwear and threw them out.
The other wiped it with a wreath. The next morning one of the husbands call the other and he said we can’t let them go out anymore.
Because my wife came home with no underwear.
His friend goes that’s nothing I found a card in my wife’s ass crack, We will miss you *signed the fire department*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccl5p1/two_women_got_pissed_drunk_and/
%
I have a bird feeder in my garden.

It's also a cat feeder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccl406/i_have_a_bird_feeder_in_my_garden/
%
I usually don’t wear these socks out in public...

They’re not for goin out, they’re for coming in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccl3pc/i_usually_dont_wear_these_socks_out_in_public/
%
A saw two men wearing matching outfits. So I asked them if they were gay.

They arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cckzpd/a_saw_two_men_wearing_matching_outfits_so_i_asked/
%
I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.
I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccky7u/i_need_everyone_to_wish_me_luck/
%
A blonde was pulled over

When the cop came over to her window he said: license and registration please.
She said: what is a license?
Cop: it’s a card that has your picture on and says that you can drive.
Blonde: ohh that thing, and pulls it out and gives it to him, cop hands it back and then asks: and the registration as well?
Blonde: umm what is that?
Cop: it’s a piece of paper that says that this car can be used on the roads.
Blonde: ahh ok and reaches over and grabs it from the glove compartment and gives it to him, He looks at it and then hands it back.
As she is putting the stuff away he starts to pull down his fly and she says: oh no not another breathalyser test

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cckujl/a_blonde_was_pulled_over/
%
My grandfather died yesterday.

My father and I started cleaning out his apartment.
When we passed by his dresser we noticed some papers that fell between the dresser and the wall. One of the papers was an unclaimed dry cleaning ticket.
Looking at the ticket, we saw it was for a black suit that was brought to the cleaners in 1998; we both laughed and figured that the Dry Cleaners probably threw away his suit after going so long unclaimed, but I put the ticket in my pocket and continued organizing his bedroom.
Later in the day I went for a drive into town for some lunch and happened to pass by the Dry Cleaners; so on a lark I decided to make a quick stop on the off chance they still had the suit, maybe we could bury him in it.
I get to the front counter and ring the bell, but it took a long time, at least a few minutes for a very old man, older than my grandfather was, to shuffle his way to the counter.
I hand him the ticket and ask him for my grandfather’s suit. The old man squinted and looked at the ticket, nodding. He looks up and tells me he’ll be right back. He slowly shuffles his way to the back.
At least ten minutes goes by and he comes shuffling back to the counter, hands me the ticket back and says: “*Next Thursday.*”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cckuh5/my_grandfather_died_yesterday/
%
Two guys are walking down a street and see an old man in front of them.

He walks in such a weird manner that is almost similar to a duck. Somehow this walk bothers the two guys. "I wonder why he's walking that way. What could be the reason for that?" one guy asks the other. The Other guy replies "Maybe he got into an accident recently and might have broken his hip or something". "What if he has a congenital defect and can't walk properly because of that?" the first guy asks again. "Let's just ask from himself" second guy suggests.
So they run towards the old man walking in front of them. "Excuse me, Sir. We have a question for you. Can you please tell us the reason why you're walking that way? My friend here guessed it's a congenital defect and I guessed it's from an accident. Who guessed it correctly?" asks the second guy. The old man looks at them and slowly smiles. He says "Well. your friend guessed something, and he got it wrong. You guessed something, and you got it wrong. I also guessed something when I was walking down this street, and I got it wrong too. I thought it was going to be just a tiny fart".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cckrsp/two_guys_are_walking_down_a_street_and_see_an_old/
%
what did the sexy brown chicken say to the sexy brown cow?

brown-chicka-brown-cow!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccko5g/what_did_the_sexy_brown_chicken_say_to_the_sexy/
%
Terrible things happen, when children are allowed to watch porn.

They could see your mom, for example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccko5h/terrible_things_happen_when_children_are_allowed/
%
One dung beetle walks into a bar and nobody cares...

A hundred dung beetles walk into a bar and everyone  loses their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccknpu/one_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar_and_nobody_cares/
%
I went to the old peoples retirement home yesterday. I wish I hadn't because this happened. One of the old grandpas was watching the news and said to me 'ooh, I'd like to go to Area 51'

I said, you're already there.
He didn't laugh, and asked me for some money for the bus to get to Area 51.
He looked at me dead in the eye and said "all I need is tree fiddy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cckn77/i_went_to_the_old_peoples_retirement_home/
%
Boss: you have been absent since 3 days in the week. Do you know what that means?

Me: It's Wednesday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccklux/boss_you_have_been_absent_since_3_days_in_the/
%
Where did the mango go?

I don't know, the mango goes where the mangoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cckf28/where_did_the_mango_go/
%
If there were a cord that insulted people...

It would be called a discord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cckcf0/if_there_were_a_cord_that_insulted_people/
%
My grandma has tremors and it’s really hard to watch

Because it’s on vhs and I have a blu-ray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cckazr/my_grandma_has_tremors_and_its_really_hard_to/
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Pulled over by the cops.

I was driving down the i5 late one evening when a cop pulled me over.
Officer: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Me: "Nope."
Officer: "Well, it was pretty fast. License and registration please?"
Me: "I don't have insurance or registration. Plus I stole the car."
Officer: "Wait. You stole the car? From who?"
Me: "This guy I killed. He's stuffed in the trunk."
Officer: "Sir, wait there and don't move!"
The cop walks back to his cruiser and calls in SWAT and a negotiator. Shortly afterward the car is surrounded by the LAPD, thousands of lasers are zoning in on my chest. The Negotiator walks over to my driver side window.
Negotiator: "Sir I've been speaking to the officer who pulled you over and I've reason to believe you're driving a stolen car, without insurance and registration from a man you killed and stuffed in the trunk!"
Me: "The lying bastard!! I bet he told you I was speeding as well?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cck5og/pulled_over_by_the_cops/
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What do you call a porn that stars only girls with Down Syndrome?

XXX

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cck5nx/what_do_you_call_a_porn_that_stars_only_girls/
%
What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit the frog's  penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cck4zl/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
%
Three people walk into a bar...

You’d think one of them would’ve seen it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cck4or/three_people_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Soviet Russia would've banned Minecraft

Until it was called "Ourcraft"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cck3zl/soviet_russia_wouldve_banned_minecraft/
%
Q. What happened to the blind man in Washington?

A. He couldn’t Seattle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccjvto/q_what_happened_to_the_blind_man_in_washington/
%
I'm sorry if you can't find any good chemistry jokes

Because all of them argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccjv7d/im_sorry_if_you_cant_find_any_good_chemistry_jokes/
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I survived a genocide where millions of children were killed

...as the last sperm cell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccju5w/i_survived_a_genocide_where_millions_of_children/
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What's a dracula's favourite part of sex

Edraculating
Say it out loud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccjqxx/whats_a_draculas_favourite_part_of_sex/
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What does an old woman have between her boobs that a young woman does not?

A bellybutton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccjpxw/what_does_an_old_woman_have_between_her_boobs/
%
I bought coffee at the circus once

It was the greatest Joe on Earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccjlh5/i_bought_coffee_at_the_circus_once/
%
I attached all my watches together to make a belt

It was a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccjir0/i_attached_all_my_watches_together_to_make_a_belt/
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What did the prison guard give to the criminal?

Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccjfex/what_did_the_prison_guard_give_to_the_criminal/
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I can eat sugar with either hand...

I'm ambidextrose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccjap0/i_can_eat_sugar_with_either_hand/
%
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

Ba-boom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccj2au/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_in_a_mine_field/
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What do a tupperware and a walrus have in common?

They both love tight seals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccj1a7/what_do_a_tupperware_and_a_walrus_have_in_common/
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What does Black Panther live in?

A Wakandaminium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccj0rd/what_does_black_panther_live_in/
%
I respect people of all kinds

But I believe hermaphrodites can fuck themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccj0ov/i_respect_people_of_all_kinds/
%
Bob had one hand and was depressed.....

Bob felt inadequate because he was missing a limb. He always felt incomplete and insignificant.
One day his friend, Fred, took him to a park and they noticed a person with no arms dancing around like crazy.
Fred shamed Bob regarding his outlook on life and said he should be more like the armless person they were witnessing.
Embarrassed, Bob walked up to the dancing person and asked how he can be so elated when he is missing both arms.
The person responded, "I have a really bad case of ass itching but can't quite get to it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cciwd8/bob_had_one_hand_and_was_depressed/
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ICE

Putting the panic in hispanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccis3n/ice/
%
I was accused of being homophobic today

I honestly just prefer apartments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccim11/i_was_accused_of_being_homophobic_today/
%
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar

and orders a drink. “It’s a pleasure to have you here, Mr Hasselhoff” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.
“Sure thing,” said the bartender, “No hassle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cciglk/david_hasselhoff_walks_into_a_bar/
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I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old...

Any tips for burying him?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccie5j/im_a_40_year_old_with_the_body_of_a_20_year_old/
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I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cciduk/i_was_really_embarrassed_that_my_wife_caught_me/
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My wife found out that I've been secretly crosdressing

First I didn't understand her anger but then I realized I've been in her shoes before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccib2n/my_wife_found_out_that_ive_been_secretly/
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A three legged dog limps into a saloon in the old west and says...

"I'm lookin' fer the feller that shot my paw..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cci04l/a_three_legged_dog_limps_into_a_saloon_in_the_old/
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Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea

Malaysian airlines 103

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cchs9g/ohhhhhhhhhhhh_who_lives_in_a_pineapple_under_the/
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What do u call the 3 white guys sitting on a bench

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cchrmv/what_do_u_call_the_3_white_guys_sitting_on_a_bench/
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Why is eskimo porn the best kind?

Cause when they have sex, they really get Inuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cchpth/why_is_eskimo_porn_the_best_kind/
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And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".

John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccho57/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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It'd be cool if Jesus was like a new code-name for Heroin...

Bunch of people addicted to taking the lord's name in vein...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cchhbo/itd_be_cool_if_jesus_was_like_a_new_codename_for/
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In Alaska, it’s 50 degrees below zero.

It is so cold that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cchgxh/in_alaska_its_50_degrees_below_zero/
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Velcro

What a rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cchg30/velcro/
%
Australians don’t have sex

They mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cchcph/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
A man walked into a bar

And stayed there my entire childhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cchaj3/a_man_walked_into_a_bar/
%
When Amy Schumer was growing up, everybody would laugh when she said she wanted to be a comedian

Nobody laughs anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cchabj/when_amy_schumer_was_growing_up_everybody_would/
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The DEA search an old man's farm.

A DEA agent rolls up to a farm and speaks to the old farmer: "Sir we have received an anonymous tip off that you may be storing illegal drugs on your property. I have a warrant here to search your entire farm."
The farmer replies: "This is outrageous! I'm just a poor old man trying to earn a living, I have nothing to do with drugs. Get off my property."
At this the DEA agent becomes annoyed and pulls out the warrant: "Sir this warrant allows me search this entire property, if you attempt to hinder my investigation, you will be put under arrest."
The farmer, accepting defeat, replies: "Ok fine, search all you want, I won't get in your way. Oh, but whatever you do, don't go into that far field over there."
The DEA explodes with anger at this, gets right up in the farmer's face waving his warrant: "I AM AN OFFICER OF THE LAW! THIS WARRANT GIVES ME THE POWER TO SEARCH EVERY INCH OF THIS FARM, AND THAT'S WHAT i'M GONNA DO. NOTHING CAN STOP ME!"
So the farmer gives up and lets the agent carry out his investigation. After some time the agent has searched almost all of the property and found nothing illegal. The only place left to search was the far field the farmer had warned him about. As the DEA agent is walking towards it, the old farmer chimes in again: "Officer I am only saying this for your own good, do not go into that field."
The DEA agent explodes again: "I WON'T TELL YOU AGAIN OLD MAN. I HAVE A WARRANT AND I WILL GO WHERE I FUCKING WANT!"
The farmer is calm and just replies: "Ok, don't say you weren't warned."
So the DEA agent climbs the fence into the field. He searches around and again finds nothing. Determined not to be defeated, the agent walks to the very far end of the field in hopes of finding something. Seconds later the farmer sees him running back towards him in a massive panic, and the farmer knew exactly why. His massive bull Bruce lived in that field, and he was a grumpy old bull. The DEA agent shouts at the farmer: "HELP! PLEASE HELP ME!"
The farmer shouts over to him: QUICKLY!, SHOW HIM YOUR WARRANT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cch7ce/the_dea_search_an_old_mans_farm/
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Other than King Arthur, nobody was able to pull the Sword out of the Stone.

You could say, they didn't have Arthurization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cch47i/other_than_king_arthur_nobody_was_able_to_pull/
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Old man goes to confession

Father, I've sinned.  I'm 65 years old, and I've been faithfully married for 45 years, and I've just cheated on my wife.
Tell me more, my son.
Well, I was walking home from the library, when a couple of college girls pull up, and ask me directions.  The directions were kinda complicated, and I was going that way, so they ended up giving me a ride.  They asked me if I was married, and whether I still had sex after all those years, things like this... next thing you know, I'm back at their apartment doing things I didn't think were possible between a man and two women.  We made passionate love all night, climaxing simultaneously.  You wouldn't believe how flexible and lithe they were.  Then they showed my their toy closet, and we did the dirtiest things the whole next day and through the night.  I've never been so consumed by lust and raw animal drive.  I still haven't been back home to see my wife.
That's some heavy shit, my son.  When was the last time you've been to confession?
Actually, this is my first time at confession.
What?!  You're 65 years old, and this is your first confession?
Well, I'm Jewish.
Why are you here telling me this now?!
I'm telling everybody!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cch34o/old_man_goes_to_confession/
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Did you hear about the old woman named able?

Every time someone insulted her, she broke their legs.
Thats how everyone learned not to diss able

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cch0yl/did_you_hear_about_the_old_woman_named_able/
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How does a Pirate go on vacation?

In his ARRRRRV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cch0r8/how_does_a_pirate_go_on_vacation/
%
A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys!”  The redneck said “I’m not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney!” The nurse replied  “you might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cch0l5/a_redneck_went_to_the_hospital_as_his_wife_was/
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What's on a pie that you don't want on a pussy?

Crust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccgyjy/whats_on_a_pie_that_you_dont_want_on_a_pussy/
%
I used to have problems with grammatical tenses

But not yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccgx8z/i_used_to_have_problems_with_grammatical_tenses/
%
What's the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?

One has hydraulics and the other has high bollocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccgwyg/whats_the_difference_between_a_tractor_and_a/
%
A man goes on a long business trip NSFW

While he is away he is worried his wife will miss him.  To prevent this he takes a trip to his local adult store.  Having never been there the vast assortment of adult toys takes him by surprise, not knowing what to get, the man approaches the shopkeep and explains his situation.  The man smiles and put a wooden box on the counter, inside a simple wooden dildo.  "What's so special about that one" ask the man, the shopkeep simply says "dildo, door" and the wooden rod flies across the room and start going at the key hole breaking the door in the process.  "I'll take it" the man says suddenly.  After leaving his shop an important detail crosses the shopkeeps mind, he forgot how to tell the man how to make the dildo stop.  "I'm sure it'll be fine", the shopkeep reasures himself.  The next morning the man surprises his wife with the gift giving her instructions on how to use the dildo, and leaves.  Not even an hour later the wife let's curiously opens the box and gives the wooden stick a command, does her thing but soon realizes she doesn't know how to stop it.  Scared for her own life she drives to the hospital, swirving and driving like she is drunk.  Halfway to the hospital the woman gets pulled over, and I the cop ask the woman why she is driving so recklessly.  The woman responds "magic...dildo...stuck..". The cop then says with a laugh "magic dildo my ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccgvhz/a_man_goes_on_a_long_business_trip_nsfw/
%
I thought I had a great idea to get 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' out of my head

But then away it went away it went away it went away it went

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccgtay/i_thought_i_had_a_great_idea_to_get_the_lion/
%
I think my dog's been smoking pot.

Just the other day I told him to play dead and he said "Nah man play Skynyrd!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccgpgq/i_think_my_dogs_been_smoking_pot/
%
What do ICE and Pokemon have in common?

Gotta catch 'em all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccgnnk/what_do_ice_and_pokemon_have_in_common/
%
I was on a date with this really fit girl.

Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie..
Then the jet landed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccgih0/i_was_on_a_date_with_this_really_fit_girl/
%
I'm glad you like my tiny candles!

I really needed that votive confidence today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccgd9t/im_glad_you_like_my_tiny_candles/
%
Some people say I'm really good at blowing air around the room

But honestly, I'm not a fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccg35c/some_people_say_im_really_good_at_blowing_air/
%
Guess what?!

CHICKEN BUTT haha you fool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccfyit/guess_what/
%
What do you get when a mother doesn't want her child but her family is against abortion?

An anti vaxxer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccfvj0/what_do_you_get_when_a_mother_doesnt_want_her/
%
What's it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?

Peter Parking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccfiez/whats_it_called_when_spiderman_has_to_stop_a_car/
%
There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.
So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perform, the Orchestra was horrible, everything was off pitch and no one seemed to have any rhythm.
Displeased, Kim ordered for the man to be executed. When asked what his final meal was to be, the man replied "I want a curry so spicy my eyes will melt." The man ate the curry and began tearing up at how spicy it was, and it was time for him to be executed.
He was sat down in the chair and the switch was pulled. Sparks flew and smoke quickly filled the room, but the man appeared to be completely unharmed!
Surprised by this miracle, the Supreme Leader says "Alright, I'll give you another chance to entertain me" and the man quickly went to work composing another masterpiece.
Again he assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea and went before the Leader to perform, but this time the Orchestra performed even worse, by far the worst music to ever hit the Leader's ears.
So Kim Jong Un again orders for the man to be executed and again he was asked for what his final meal was to be. "I want the Spiciest curry in all of Korea" and the guards complied and gave the man the Spiciest curry he'd ever eaten, even spicier than the last.
The man was then sat down in the chair and the switch was pulled. Again Sparks flew and smoke filled the room, but again the man was completely fine!
"Alright," says the Supreme Leader, "I will give you 1 last chance to impress me" and the man went back to work. For a third time he assembled the best Orchestra in all of Korea and went to perform in front of the Leader.
But once again it was horrible, so bad in fact that Kim had to cover his ears to block it out. So once again the man was ordered to be put to death.
"Very well," said the man, "For my final meal I wish for the Spiciest curry in the entire world."
"No," said the Supreme Leader, "I have had it with your magical curry, you will be put straight to death." And so the man was strapped into the chair and this time the switch was pulled by none other than the Supreme Leader himself.
Sparks flew and smoke filled the room but the man still remained untouched! "What?!?!" exclaimed the Leader. "But how, you didn't eat any curry."
"Oh no no no sir, it was never about the Curry," said the man,
"I'm just a poor conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccfhr3/there_was_once_a_musician_in_north_korea/
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What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccfgvi/what_did_the_burglar_say_when_he_detonated_a_bomb/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccfgo5/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
Sharing...

An elderly couple stands  at the counter at the local burger joint. The man orders a deluxe  burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the  woman and asks her what she would like.
“Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.'”
The clerk hits a key on the register and tells the couple that the cost of the meal is $4.98.
The old man reaches into his pockets and pulls out a handful of  coins. Slowly and carefully, without a penny to spare, he counts out the  exact amount and hands it to the cashier.
A young man standing behind the couple watches this. As the clerk  assembles the couple’s order, he leans forward and says, “I’d be honored  to buy you another burger and fries.”
The old man turns to the young man and says, “Thank you, but my wife and I share everything.”
The old man carries the tray of food to a table and they sit.  Carefully, he cuts the burger in half, divides the fries into two equal  portions, and passes half of the food to the woman. He sets the decaf in  the center of the table so they can both reach it. Then he begins to  eat.
A few minutes later, the young man sits down at the table next to  them. As he gobbles down his food, he notices that, while the elderly  man eats, the woman is quietly sipping decaf. When he looks at her food,  he sees that she hasn’t eaten a single bite. Again, he leans toward the  couple and says, “I really would be honoured to buy you another meal.'”
The old man says, “No, thank you. We share everything,” and calmly resumes eating.
“I just hate to see you go hungry,” the young man laments to the woman.
“Oh, I’m not going hungry,” the old woman says. “I’m waiting for the teeth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccf9o2/sharing/
%
What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccf8ok/what_did_the_necrophiliac_get_after_his_wife_died/
%
What if we tell the flat earthers that the answers they are looking for are in Area 51

Then that way we get to watch people storm Area 51 and no one dies that anyone cares about!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccf8m0/what_if_we_tell_the_flat_earthers_that_the/
%
What's the difference between my husband and Gollum?

A ring actually means something to Gollum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccf16a/whats_the_difference_between_my_husband_and_gollum/
%
What do you call....

...a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and a chest wound?
Still no bloody idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and a chest wound, mating with another deer?
Still no bloody fucking idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccev8m/what_do_you_call/
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Dinosaur joke

What do you call a dinosaur who can control thunder?
Brachio-thor-rus
Sorry I thought of this and had to share, to find out if I had read it here or if it's the rarity of an original-ish joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cceuaw/dinosaur_joke/
%
A guy is grocery shopping...

...and the only items he brings to the register are microwave dinners, beer, and toilet paper.
The girl ringing him up scans the items and says to him "single, huh?"
The guy, thinking she's being funny, smiles shyly and says "yeah how'd you guess?"
She pauses before replying..."Because you're fucking ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cceu9j/a_guy_is_grocery_shopping/
%
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

You put it in a microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccesyx/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
%
What's the fat kid's favorite day of the week?

Fry-day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccep85/whats_the_fat_kids_favorite_day_of_the_week/
%
David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccenn1/david_attenborough_planet_earth_narrator_went_to/
%
Bob looked at his wife Mary and said ”I can’t believe today makes 2 happy years of marriage”

Mary: Bob, we have been married for 15 years...
Bob: I SAID HAPPY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccemlk/bob_looked_at_his_wife_mary_and_said_i_cant/
%
What's the difference between a 4 year old and 4 kilos of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let 4 kilos of cocaine fall out of a 49th-story window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccemgo/whats_the_difference_between_a_4_year_old_and_4/
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I know you're not supposed to find Jesus Christ hot...

...but damn, is he so well hung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccek1g/i_know_youre_not_supposed_to_find_jesus_christ_hot/
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The Last Dad Joke

This was the last joke (wise crack) my father made before he died...
(Background) My father was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) in his late 50's.  Watching him deteriorate was painful for me, but he always kept his sense of humor.  As he was nearing the end of his life, he was confined to a wheelchair with a brace to hold his head up, and had a feeding tube.  He could still talk, although it was very difficult to understand him.  Before he got sick, he loved to go to the casinos in southern California.  My mom wasn't as big a fan, so he would often go by himself.  One last tidbit about ALS - while all of your muscles atrophy, your libido remains in tact...
I stopped by my parents house after work one day, as I typically did, to check and see how dad was doing.  I asked what he did that day, expecting to get the typical, "Nothing much.". But in his slurred speech, Dad said, "Your mom took me to the casino!"
Knowing that wasn't something my mom would be super thrilled to do, I said, "Really?  What's the special occasion?"
With a sly smile, my dad said, "I told her she can take me to the casino, or we could have sex!"
MISS YOU DAD!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccejaf/the_last_dad_joke/
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A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.
"How do I look?" the man asks.
"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.
The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:
"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"
The cashier responds, "You look 29 years young!"
The man is flattered and responds, "Why thank you! I'm actually 50!"
Next, the man goes to a meat market and asks the butcher:
"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"
The butcher replies, "You look pretty young. I'm guessing about 27."
Again, the man is flattered. "Why thank you! I'm actually 50!"
The man is strolling around town looking for another pedestrian to guess his age. He comes across an elderly woman who appears to be friendly.
"Excuse me miss, I hate to bother you, but how old do you think I am?" the man asks.
The woman replies, "I'm sorry mister but I've lost my vision from old age and I could only guess your age if I felt the inside of your pants."
The man is reluctant at first. But then he decides to just go with it. He unzips his pants and lets the woman stick her hands inside. She feels around for a bit and then removes her hands from his pants.
"You're 50 years old!" she says.
The man is astonished. "What?! How did you know?!" he asks.
"I was right behind you at the meat market." She replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cceh72/a_50_year_old_guy_goes_to_a_surgeon_to_make/
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Noah's Ark 2.0

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccecs8/noahs_ark_20/
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My girlfriend said shes leaving me because I keep pretending to be a transformer.

No, wait, I can change!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cce6ht/my_girlfriend_said_shes_leaving_me_because_i_keep/
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If 4 is a foursome, 3 is a Threesome, and 2 is a Twosome...

I guess that's why the call me handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cce1we/if_4_is_a_foursome_3_is_a_threesome_and_2_is_a/
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Why doesn’t cinderella play sports?

Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and runs away from the ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccdyyb/why_doesnt_cinderella_play_sports/
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Lady wants a boob job

A lady goes to her husband and tells him she wants a boob job. She tells him it will give her more confidence and make her feel better about herself. He asks her how much and she tells him 10,000 dollars. He finally agrees but says under one condition. What’s that she asked. He tells her that she can do it but first she has to rub a piece of toilet paper between her breast for a month. She say ok but what’s that going to do? He says I’m not sure but it’s done wonders for your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccdx5y/lady_wants_a_boob_job/
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me catfishing

Me: I'm going catfishing
friend: no
Me: I want pussy
friend:don't play with people
Me: \*putting catnip on a hook\* what

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccdso7/me_catfishing/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccdpyp/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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I was gonna make a chris brown joke,

But he beat me to the punch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccdov0/i_was_gonna_make_a_chris_brown_joke/
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My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony.

I was born ready.  :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccdmgl/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_was_ready_to_go_to_the/
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I created a graph explaining all my past relationships

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccdlvv/i_created_a_graph_explaining_all_my_past/
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I try to tell good jokes...

...but I always punch up the fuck line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccdlid/i_try_to_tell_good_jokes/
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How do redheads approach things?

Gingerly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccdkbq/how_do_redheads_approach_things/
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So a guy stops at a stop sign and he sees a car full of penguins next to him.

He asks 'What's up with all the penguins?'
The other guy answers, 'I don't know. I stopped at a light and then all these penguins jumped in my car. I don't know what to do with them.'
'Maybe you should take them to the zoo.'
The other guy says 'That's a great idea!' and drives off.
A week later the same guy pulled up to the same light and sees the guy from last week with his car full of penguins again.
'I thought your were going to take the penguins to the zoo?'
'I did, and we had a great time! This week were going to the beach!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccdk23/so_a_guy_stops_at_a_stop_sign_and_he_sees_a_car/
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A parrot and a magician

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot... They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot couldn’t hold back any longer and said....."Ok, ok, ok... good one but I can't take it any more, what’d you do with the fucking boat???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccdj8d/a_parrot_and_a_magician/
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Three men are stranded on an island with a violent tribe living there.

The tribe is known for being very violent, especially to visitors. The tribe leader walks up to the three men and says, “go out and find 10 of any fruit, bring it back here”. Not wanting to upset the tribe, they leave to get the fruit.
The first man comes back fairly quickly with 10 apples, the tribe leader says, “now, you have to shove all 10 of those up your butt without making any facial expressions. Any expression and I’ll kill you. The man knows that it is impossible, but tries anyway. After getting halfway up with one apple he makes a noise and is killed immediately.
The second man comes back with 10 cherries. After hearing the challenge, he thinks he has a shot to live. Through a lot of emotionless pain, he manages to push 7 cherries up there before he starts dying of laughter. The tribe leader says, “we are going to kill you, but first, why are you laughing? It looked like you were going to make it”. He looks at the leader and says, “man I could’ve done it, but, the third guy has pineapples”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccdgpd/three_men_are_stranded_on_an_island_with_a/
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What's the difference between in laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccddh1/whats_the_difference_between_in_laws_and_outlaws/
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My great-grandma told me this joke as a kid and it is by far my favorite kid-friendly joke of all time (I’m also aware of just how corny it is and I don’t care)

There was a country called Raberia, and all the people there were called Rabbis. There was this one Rabbi who wanted to go mountain climbing in this other country called Trideria, and all the people there were called Trids. So he hired two Trids to take him up the mountain and away they go. After a few hours they get tired and come to a ledge with a cave and decide to set up camp.
All of the sudden, a giant snow monster comes out screaming and kicks the two Trids off the mountain. The Rabbi gets down on his knees and begs “Please mister monster! Please don’t kick me off the mountain!”
The monster looks at him calmly and replies “Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccdcpm/my_greatgrandma_told_me_this_joke_as_a_kid_and_it/
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My girlfriend is so ungrateful. Whenever I give her an orgasm...!

.. she just spits it out. !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccd8vg/my_girlfriend_is_so_ungrateful_whenever_i_give/
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What did Spock find in Captain Kirk's toilet?

Captain's Log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccd3j7/what_did_spock_find_in_captain_kirks_toilet/
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I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccd11m/i_almost_got_caught_trying_to_steal_a_board_game/
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Just because a lot of work went into it, doesn’t make it good.

Just look at the holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccd0xh/just_because_a_lot_of_work_went_into_it_doesnt/
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Quitting cigarettes is easy

I’ve done it 5 times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccd0io/quitting_cigarettes_is_easy/
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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cccuvj/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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How to make girls feel safe in the hallways

I often find myself  walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always  concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not  to walk like a rapist.
I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cccuqt/how_to_make_girls_feel_safe_in_the_hallways/
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Guy driving a car stops by a hooker

...and asks: -What can You do for a 100 bucks?
She replies: -Anything You want, baby.
\-Hop in, You'll help me lay the foundation for my garden shed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cccuac/guy_driving_a_car_stops_by_a_hooker/
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How do churches acquire holy water?

They boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cccpt6/how_do_churches_acquire_holy_water/
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Guy goes to the doctor for a physical.

Doc tells the guy "you're going to have to stop masturbating".
Guy asks "why"?
Doc says "because I'm trying to give you a physical".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cccnln/guy_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_physical/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An ImPASTA !!!
\--------------------------------------------------------------
Bet you tell at least one person, that joke :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccci3w/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
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Tits are like Lego bricks.

They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cccevt/tits_are_like_lego_bricks/
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My girlfriend told me she can't stand it when I get piss all over the seat.

My car, my rules sweetheart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cccekp/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_cant_stand_it_when_i/
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The Pope, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

The pope crosses himself, blesses the ball, and swings. He drives the ball 600 miles. He bows his head and gives thanks for the amazing drive.
Jesus steps up to take his shot, I holds his hand in the air, creating a tailwind, and takes a swing. He drives the ball 900 miles.
The old man steps up to take his shot; with a putter. He gently taps the ball. A feral cat chases the ball, knocking it further down the field of play and accidentally knocks the ball into a water trap. A fish swallows the ball. A crow dives into the water, claws extended, and grabs the fish. The fish fights and wriggles the whole flight. Then, with it's last effort finally sets itself free. The fish lands on the green, the force knocks the ball loose and it dribbles into the hole.
HOLE IN ONE! The old man proclaims.
Then Jesus looks at him, shakes his head and says "Ya know, Dad, I really wish you'd play fair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cccejr/the_pope_jesus_and_an_old_man_are_playing_golf/
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Two Muslim families move from Afghanistan to the US...

The two fathers make a bet to see who could become more Americanised after the first.
They meet a year later and the first father says,  "I just took my  son to baseball practice, had McDonald's for breakfast and I've racked up  more debt than I'll ever be able to pay off."
The second father says, "fuck you, raghead".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cccdyf/two_muslim_families_move_from_afghanistan_to_the/
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What's the best method for counting noodles?

Ramen numerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cccdqo/whats_the_best_method_for_counting_noodles/
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What did the redditor do before leaving the hotel

Username checks out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cccbgr/what_did_the_redditor_do_before_leaving_the_hotel/
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First post here so idk if it’s already been done. What kind of erection does a musician get?

A tromboner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cccbaa/first_post_here_so_idk_if_its_already_been_done/
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How does a Welsh man find a sheep in talk grass?

Irresistible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccca9w/how_does_a_welsh_man_find_a_sheep_in_talk_grass/
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I made a chicken salad today.

Cheeky bastard didn't even eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccc9x9/i_made_a_chicken_salad_today/
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Took me a month but I finally got to pull off this joke in real life

*Me and my friend had just finished watching a ton of conspiracy theory videos.*
Friend: It's crazy if some of that stuff is true. But the government is just hiding it from us.
Me: Yeah like monsters and aliens and stuff.
Friend: Yeah! And not to mention all the cool technology they are definitely keeping secret. That's just a fact.
Me: Have you read any of those stories about spontaneous combustion?
Friend: Yeah! Where people just explode! For no reason!
Me: Yeah there was this woman in Wisconsin. Shopping in a local supermarket. Suddenly her entire left arm catches on fire, out of nowhere.
Friend: That's so crazy.
Me: So obviously she's freaking out, and costumers are freaking out, somebody calls 911. But when police get there, they actually arrested the lady.
Friend: Okay, now that's shady as hell. What did they arrest her for?
Me: Possession of an unlicensed firearm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccc9fx/took_me_a_month_but_i_finally_got_to_pull_off/
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My cows ate all my weed plants

The steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccc934/my_cows_ate_all_my_weed_plants/
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A lady went to the store to buy a parrot.

and asks the salesman, “What’s so special about the parrot?”
Salesman, “this parrot can talk.”
So the lady asks the parrot, “how do I look?”
The parrot replies, “you look like a fucking slut.”
The lady gets pissed off and tells the salesman that its a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it.
The salesman tells her to wait for 2 mins. and takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket water. When he pulls the parrot out he says if you disrespect the lady out there I’ll soak you in water again and takes the parrot back outside.
The salesman asked the lady to ask the parrot another question.
Lady: “if I come home with one man what would you think?”
Parrot: “he’s your husband.”
Lady: “2 men?”
Parrot “your husband and his brother.”
Lady: “3 men?”
Parrot: “your husband his brother and your brother.”
Lady :”4 men?”
Parrot: “bring the fucking bucket of water I already told you she’s a slut.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccc8s2/a_lady_went_to_the_store_to_buy_a_parrot/
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I am so sorry reddit . . .

I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE,  I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccc4un/i_am_so_sorry_reddit/
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Penguins in a truck

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.
“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccc4g3/penguins_in_a_truck/
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My wife is like a fridge.

She's strong and keeps important things safe for me. I love her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccc3bf/my_wife_is_like_a_fridge/
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A robber crawls through the window of an empty house.

He begins stuffing jewelry into a pillow case, but is interrupted by a voice saying "Jesus is watching you."
He is freaked out, of course, but decides that checking it out with a flashlight would attract people. He makes a vow that this will be his last job, and continues emptying the box.
"Jesus is watching you." The voice came again, even louder this time.
The robber decides he's has enough, and turns on his flashlight before sweeping it around the room. It eventually came across a beautiful parrot.
"Oi, were you the one talking?" The robber asks angrily.
"Yes. My name is Moses." The parrot replies.
The robber begins to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. "What kind of people name their parrot Moses?"
"The same kind who name their rottweiler Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccc39h/a_robber_crawls_through_the_window_of_an_empty/
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Why did the condom fly out of the window?

Because it got pissed off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccc0cy/why_did_the_condom_fly_out_of_the_window/
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*knock knock*

Who’s there?
Owls.
Owls who?
Yessssss they do. 🦉

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccbymd/knock_knock/
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Why didn't the penguin jump off of the iceberg?

He got cold feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccbww3/why_didnt_the_penguin_jump_off_of_the_iceberg/
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Emergency supplies.

Three friends decide to go on a luxury cruise around the world. On the third night, the ship suffer's catastrophic damage in a storm and begins to sink. The three jump overboard and cling to debris to stay afloat. The next morning, they awake to find themselves washed up on a nearby small island. The ship they were aboard has also run aground though they see no sign of other survivors.
They realise that because the tide is on it's way out and the boat is listing dangerously that should hurry aboard and pick up as many supplies as possible. They make a plan. The first man will go and collect food and water to sustain them. The second will collect useful survival products such as bedding and knives. And the last man will get some form of entertainment since they were clearly going to be there for a long time.
They set out.
After half an hour, the first man, who headed straight for the kitchens returned to the beach with three dessert trolleys piled high with canned goods, chocolate bars and gallon-sized bottles of water. Around 20 minutes later, the second man returns with bed sheets, first aid kits, distillation apparatus, several knifes and a fire axe. By this point the ship was listing dangerously.
An hour later, the third man returning, hurrying out of a hole in the hull. As he leaves that ship, it finally falls back into the sea and is blown off.
In his arms are boxes and boxes of tampons. His friends look at him incredulously and ask why he brought them.
"Well," he responded. "It said on the box that you could swim, run, rollerblade and play sports in these."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccbqfw/emergency_supplies/
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How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccbpyu/how_many_buzzfeed_workers_does_it_take_to_turn_on/
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I've always wanted to play snooker

But I never had the balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccbo83/ive_always_wanted_to_play_snooker/
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So, I was at a bar, and I met a girl who told me she was into fetishes... (NSFW)

She said she liked kinky sex and fetishes, and I told her I was into fetishes and stuff.  We talk for a while longer and after a few more drinks, we ended up at her apartment. She told me to get comfortable while she went to the bathroom to change into something more "fun".  As she came out of the bathroom, I was about to get out the door when she yelled; Where are you going? I thought we were going to have kinky sex!  SEX? no ma'am, I already took a shit in your purse, wiped my ass in your curtains and I am going home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccbnut/so_i_was_at_a_bar_and_i_met_a_girl_who_told_me/
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A man gets home after a long day at work

He sits down on the couch and calls out to his wife "Hey babe, will you get me a beer before it starts?" She gladly goes to the fridge and gets him a beer, pops the top and brings it to him then goes into the kitchen to start dinner. About half an hour later she hears "Hey babe, will you get me a beer before it starts?" Having just got dinner in the over and now a little irritated she goes to the fridge, grabs another beer and brings it to him then she goes into the laundry room to start laundry. Right as shes getting the first load of laundry in the washer she hears "Hey babe, will you get me another beer before it starts?" Now shes fed up, she goes to the fridge, grabs a beer and brings it to her husband but then she blows up on him "I know you had a long day at work, but I'm here all day, doing the laundry, washing YOUR clothes, making YOUR dinner, cleaning the house, maybe I would like a beer or for you to at least get up off your ass and get your own damn beer!" The husband pops the top off his beer and says "well, fuck, its started."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccbnbv/a_man_gets_home_after_a_long_day_at_work/
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I tried to board an airplane recently

Turns out they get nervous when your carry-on is a parachute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccblt6/i_tried_to_board_an_airplane_recently/
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As a feminist...

Having little light up men at the traffic lights makes me cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccbfpd/as_a_feminist/
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What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?

Just a Rottweiler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccbf35/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_bunny_and_a/
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Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you.

Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccbebm/boss_if_you_fall_asleep_again_today_ill_fire_you/
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Girls are probably really interested and just are too intimidated and shy to talk to you

And other hilarious jokes you can read by yourself at 3am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccbcy2/girls_are_probably_really_interested_and_just_are/
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(NSFW) I was with this girl last night

We were making out and she told me “give me 9 inches and make it hurt”
So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccbb23/nsfw_i_was_with_this_girl_last_night/
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What do you call a monkey in a mine field

Rhesus pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccbb1z/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_in_a_mine_field/
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How do chickens tell who's the alpha male or female?

The use a *pecking* order

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccb5n3/how_do_chickens_tell_whos_the_alpha_male_or_female/
%
A man walks up to an attractive woman in a bar and asks her if she'd have sex with him for 2 dollars...

"Absolutely not!" She replies.
He pauses for a second and asks her if she'd have sex with him for a thousand dollars.
She looks at him and a little smile cracks on her face.
"Why yes, yes I would"
"Great, what about 5 bucks?"
All of a sudden she loses her smile and looks offended. "Absolutely not, what kind of woman do you think I am?!"
"Well..." He says "I think we've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just haggling on the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccb3w3/a_man_walks_up_to_an_attractive_woman_in_a_bar/
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What would Obama's campaign slogan be if he confidently ran for office in Japan?

Shuriken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccb3ki/what_would_obamas_campaign_slogan_be_if_he/
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[On an aeroplane] Pilot: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are 30,000 feet in the air.

Me: There’s no way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife: You never take a break, do you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccb2tm/on_an_aeroplane_pilot_ladies_and_gentlemen_we_are/
%
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf

I haven't heard from him since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccaw5s/two_years_ago_my_doctor_told_me_i_was_going_deaf/
%
Women are actually turning into good drivers

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccavmq/women_are_actually_turning_into_good_drivers/
%
What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccaufx/what_did_the_janitor_yell_when_he_jumped_out_of/
%
When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera

I still have flashbacks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccaqdi/when_i_was_a_kid_my_dad_use_to_always_beat_me/
%
Secret of a successful marriage!

An old man married for 52 years was asked by his neighbor about the secret for his successful marriage.
The old man stated that on the night of his marriage, he and his newly wed bride had decided that if one of them ever got angry with the other, they would settle the issue peacefully.
So if the husband got angry with the wife, she would stay in the kitchen until his anger cooled down.
If the wife were to get angry, the husband was to stay in the veranda until her anger cooled down.
The neighbor, surprised at the simplicity of the solution, asked the old man if the method works.
The old man replied saying that he's been happily living in the veranda for the last 52 years and not a single problem with his wife, ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccan2g/secret_of_a_successful_marriage/
%
People say I'm a plagiarist

Their word not mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccaltr/people_say_im_a_plagiarist/
%
My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood.  Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there.  The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours.  The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc.  Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccaid8/my_girlfriend_told_me_this_joke_ten_years_ago/
%
I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it.  Maybe I used too much dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccah74/i_made_a_chicken_salad_for_dinner_last_night/
%
I went to shop to buy a Christmas tree.

The man in the shop asked if I'll put it up myself.
I said that I'll actually put it in the living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccac4v/i_went_to_shop_to_buy_a_christmas_tree/
%
What did the sick pony say before giving a speech?

Sorry, I'm a little hoarse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ccabgk/what_did_the_sick_pony_say_before_giving_a_speech/
%
What rock group had four man who don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cca8ab/what_rock_group_had_four_man_who_dont_sing/
%
That's modern medicine... (Famous Norm Macdonald Joke)

My wife recently went into a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to wake her up. He said, "There is one way. An ancient method. You must have oral sex with her." I say, "Doc, I don't know if I'm comfortable performing oral sex with her unconscious body." And he says, "Trust me, I've seen it work before." I figure I will do what i must to get her back. I go in there for a few minutes, come back out, and say, "Doc! She's choking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cca70p/thats_modern_medicine_famous_norm_macdonald_joke/
%
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cca3wm/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
%
I often wish I could just kill my boss

I'm self-employed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc9ug4/i_often_wish_i_could_just_kill_my_boss/
%
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?

A Small Medium At Large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc9jsc/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_who_has_escaped/
%
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf...

It's Saturday morning and  John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he  forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is  coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones  home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run  upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle  Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she  tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all  dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out  the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that  last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom  of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc9jls/its_saturday_morning_and_johns_just_about_to_set/
%
A zookeeper was making his rounds one day..

When he noticed the female  gorilla was very agitated. Having worked with gorillas for many years,  he recognised she was in heat. The zookeeper did not wish her to become  more agitated, so he began contacting other zoo's in the area asking if  they had a male gorilla.
After many days with no luck, and the female gorilla getting more  frustrated, he decided to try his last option. So he tracks down the  janitor of the zoo and says to him "Steve, I have to ask you a big  favor... I need you to have sex with the female gorilla. It's worth 2000  dollars."
The janitor agrees so long as three conditions are met.
"Condition the first..." says the janitor "is that no one cam ever know."
"Second... I don't have to kiss her."
"Finally... I'll need some time to get the 2000 dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc9jcr/a_zookeeper_was_making_his_rounds_one_day/
%
The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc9iaf/the_first_time_i_had_sex_it_was_in_my_parents/
%
Has anyone else noticed that the symbol "&"...

...looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc9dxq/has_anyone_else_noticed_that_the_symbol/
%
If a woman sleeps with different men she's considered a slut but if a guy does it...

Then that's just gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc9cj8/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_different_men_shes/
%
What's the difference between an obese rodeo bull, and Dracula's girlfriend?

One's a fat bucker...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc99w1/whats_the_difference_between_an_obese_rodeo_bull/
%
Yes, we have no bananas

Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song "Yes, we have no bananas"
Guy1: I love this song
Guy2: Yes. I think it's written by Mozart
Guy1: Of course it's not. They didn't make swing music in Mozart's time
Guy2: Yes they did!
Guy1: You're stupid! They didn't even have bananas back then
Guy2: I know, that's the f-ing name of the song!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc93go/yes_we_have_no_bananas/
%
You know what they call Fortnite in America?

They call it a quarter battle with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc8ymq/you_know_what_they_call_fortnite_in_america/
%
Girl, are you https?

Because ://

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc8um1/girl_are_you_https/
%
How many nails are there in a lesbian's coffin?

None, it's all tongue-and-groove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc8ist/how_many_nails_are_there_in_a_lesbians_coffin/
%
I just visited Ukraine's latest tourist attraction, Chernobyl.

I give it four thumbs up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc7y50/i_just_visited_ukraines_latest_tourist_attraction/
%
I saw some prostitutes hanging around my local garden centre

I guess it is a bit of a seedy establishment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc7spm/i_saw_some_prostitutes_hanging_around_my_local/
%
There used to be more blondes in our neighborhood.

I think they're dyeing out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc7o5p/there_used_to_be_more_blondes_in_our_neighborhood/
%
Why is food better than men?

Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc7mju/why_is_food_better_than_men/
%
My work has just hired an Australian IT expert

He comes from a LAN down under

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc7ho8/my_work_has_just_hired_an_australian_it_expert/
%
I have always wondered why a frisbee looks bigger the closer it gets

Then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc7eji/i_have_always_wondered_why_a_frisbee_looks_bigger/
%
What does a pimp use to put out fires?

Hose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc7d6q/what_does_a_pimp_use_to_put_out_fires/
%
What's yellow and you definitely should not drink?

A schoolbus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc70o0/whats_yellow_and_you_definitely_should_not_drink/
%
Did you hear about the guy who stole $10,000 worth of textbooks from the University book store?

They made him return both of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc6ypl/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_stole_10000_worth/
%
My gas station got robbed

My gas station is out of Red Bull because a robber broke in and stole it
I don’t know how they can sleep at night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc6xub/my_gas_station_got_robbed/
%
How do you make her laugh on your blind date?

Just show up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc6v9q/how_do_you_make_her_laugh_on_your_blind_date/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

He hears two guys laughing and says “ I don’t see anything funny here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc6pt1/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A limbo champion walked into a bar.

He was disqualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc6p6a/a_limbo_champion_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Isn't it the best feeling when you have been holding it in the entire day and finally you get to release it at the end of day?

I'm talking about emotions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc6haz/isnt_it_the_best_feeling_when_you_have_been/
%
Lots of women are turning into good drivers nowadays

So if you are a good driver watch out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc6dtj/lots_of_women_are_turning_into_good_drivers/
%
My first time doing stand up...

My girlfriends nephew was 12 at the time and wanted to be a comedian, so I asked him for advice before my first stand up. He said:
“Sure! Here’s a joke for you... last summer I went to dynamite camp...”
- Oh cool!
“... yeah, I had a blast!!”
- awesome! Did you learn any jokes?
“😓 you gonna bomb”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc6cd4/my_first_time_doing_stand_up/
%
"I wonder what he's thinking... I wonder if he likes me... I wonder if he thinks I'm fat..."

- Wonder Woman
(- Katherine Ryan)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc6bn3/i_wonder_what_hes_thinking_i_wonder_if_he_likes/
%
You hear about the latest computer that the Army’s using?

Well, this general puts in a question. The question is this: ‘Will there be peace or war in our time?’
The wheels whir. The lights flash. The machine grinds out the answer: *Yes.*
The general is upset. He feeds back the question: "Yes, what?"
The answer comes:
*Yes,* ***sir***!
(As told by Lyndon Johnson, from Master of the Senate by Robert A. Caro)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc6749/you_hear_about_the_latest_computer_that_the_armys/
%
My friend recently was recently thinking about going from from PC gaming to Console gaming. I told him it was time for the Switch

No pun Nintendo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc66yc/my_friend_recently_was_recently_thinking_about/
%
A cop walks by whilst you're with two kids at the park and he asks "Which one is yours?"

I don't know officer, I haven't picked yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc5r4o/a_cop_walks_by_whilst_youre_with_two_kids_at_the/
%
One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island

for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him. Trembling the castaway replies: "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
"OMG" said the man "Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc5qt4/one_day_a_man_who_had_been_stranded_on_a_desert/
%
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc5obf/a_wife_went_to_the_police_station_with_her/
%
Never have sex with a wizard...

I did once and I got Hogwarts.
Now they won't quidditching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc5fe2/never_have_sex_with_a_wizard/
%
What’s worse than ten babies stapled to one tree

One baby stapled to ten trees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc5dlq/whats_worse_than_ten_babies_stapled_to_one_tree/
%
What did the Aussie say when he turned 8?

Oi mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc57bh/what_did_the_aussie_say_when_he_turned_8/
%
Gordon Ramsay was waking down the street...

When he saw the cutest dog in his life. He bent down and yelled, it’s fucking r/Aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc55q8/gordon_ramsay_was_waking_down_the_street/
%
A grasshopper walks into a bar

The bartender looks up and says, 'Hey! You're a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you.'
The grasshopper says, 'Really? You have a drink named Kevin?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4zm8/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Do you like pop music, like Imagine Dragons?

Well imagine dragon these nuts across your chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4z2y/do_you_like_pop_music_like_imagine_dragons/
%
Do you know why you never see a crow dead in the road?

Because he has a buddy on the side yelling "KAAAA...KAAAA"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4yu8/do_you_know_why_you_never_see_a_crow_dead_in_the/
%
A man once said "you should live life on the edge"

Then he fell off his bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4yay/a_man_once_said_you_should_live_life_on_the_edge/
%
Two policemen on the door of a local man they know

"Good evening," they say when he answers. "We just found a man dead in the park and we came around here because we thought it might be you."
"How big was he?" asks the local man.
"He was about your size."
"Was he wearing a pair of jeans?"
"Yes, he was."
"Did he have a blue shirt on?"
"No, he didn't," say the policemen.
"Well," says the man, "Then it wasn't me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4wkf/two_policemen_on_the_door_of_a_local_man_they_know/
%
What’s one of the worst crimes a cow can commit?

Moolestation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4w88/whats_one_of_the_worst_crimes_a_cow_can_commit/
%
A buddy of mine went to college, majored in veterinary medicine and minored in taxidermy.

"Either way you're getting your dog back" He says

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4vjr/a_buddy_of_mine_went_to_college_majored_in/
%
I'm bad at navigation.

It takes me places, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4u8k/im_bad_at_navigation/
%
The Plan

In the beginning there was a Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was on the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids in plant growth, and is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the plan and saw it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And this is how shit happens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4rr8/the_plan/
%
If at first you don't succeed...

Skydiving may not be for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4qv6/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
Two lesbians and two gay guys are driving to the beach. Who gets there first? nsfw

The lesbians because they’re doing 69 the whole way while the gay guys are still at home packing shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4q3i/two_lesbians_and_two_gay_guys_are_driving_to_the/
%
Did you know if your parachute doesn’t deploy,

You have the rest your of your life to fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4pxa/did_you_know_if_your_parachute_doesnt_deploy/
%
Why wouldn't the jelly come out of the jar?

It was jammed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4ic4/why_wouldnt_the_jelly_come_out_of_the_jar/
%
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for

I can never get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4g9y/i_keep_asking_what_lgbtq_stands_for/
%
Knock knock

1: "Who's there?"
2: "Doorbell salesman"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4d50/knock_knock/
%
Why is Cinderella the worst goalkeeper?

Because she runs away from the ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4atq/why_is_cinderella_the_worst_goalkeeper/
%
Two men are sitting in a prison cell

One says
"I'm in here for 10 years, manslaughter. What about you?"
"I opened the window at my job and now I'm here for 15 years"
"What the fuck?"
"Yeah the submarine captain was PISSED"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4as0/two_men_are_sitting_in_a_prison_cell/
%
Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen??

Their names are Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4amz/did_you_hear_about_the_two_gay_irishmen/
%
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

Because it is 2 tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4a1x/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
%
A man is at a doctor's office

"Alright, this ones an antidepressant, this ones a painkiller, this one is anti infection, and take this one every day for the wound to heal faster. I also recommend taking this with the rest of them, it's easier that way."
"Doctor, do you have anything other than vodka?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc4a14/a_man_is_at_a_doctors_office/
%
A Jewish man is about to die on the floor of his home.

His whole family rushes when he hits the floor.
With a weak voice and a slight sob, he says "Is everyone here?"
Yes, father. We wouldn't be anywh---
His father interrupts him and says "Then why the fuck is the kitchen light on?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc49qd/a_jewish_man_is_about_to_die_on_the_floor_of_his/
%
I stole a girls umbrella

That means I've made a girl wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc45zv/i_stole_a_girls_umbrella/
%
My girlfriend said that having sex all day isn’t productive.

And I said no, but it is reproductive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc45pb/my_girlfriend_said_that_having_sex_all_day_isnt/
%
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger says, "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
A Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc42p9/whats_the_difference_between_mick_jagger_and_a/
%
The invisible man

Q:Why did the invisible man turn down the job interview?
A: He couldn't see himself doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3zxq/the_invisible_man/
%
I almost saw a kid get hit by a car

Luckily I turned away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3ypz/i_almost_saw_a_kid_get_hit_by_a_car/
%
Did you hear about he guy who was killed with a starting pistol?

The police think it may be race-related!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3s7h/did_you_hear_about_he_guy_who_was_killed_with_a/
%
A mother was driving with her daughter. They get behind a truck and all of a sudden...

A giant dildo hits their windshield. The daughter says “What was that, Mommy?!”
Mom says, “It was just a bug, honey.”
Daughter says, “Well, that bug has the biggest dick I’ve ever seen!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3mx8/a_mother_was_driving_with_her_daughter_they_get/
%
I just found out my girlfriend has an STD but she wants to keep it, how do I change her mind?

Please Reddit, I really don't want a kid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3m4f/i_just_found_out_my_girlfriend_has_an_std_but_she/
%
When I was much younger, I was allowed to go out for the first time...

My dad was very strict: “Be home at 11 pm and be sober!”
So I, a 15 year old boy, went out for the first time. As these things go, I came home 2 hours late.
My dad rushed down the stairs and started yelling. Clearly not sober, I told him: “Chill down old man, I became a man today! Had my first beers and I had sex for the first time!”
My old man, who was suddenly proud instead of angry, told me: “Well that’s some good news, let’s grab a beer, have a seat and then you can tell me all about it.”
I told him: “A beer will be fine, but sitting down will hurt my ass too much!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3lyb/when_i_was_much_younger_i_was_allowed_to_go_out/
%
What do whales like to draw with?

A-krill-ic paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3j1g/what_do_whales_like_to_draw_with/
%
I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3imt/i_was_driving_the_other_day_accidentally_hit_this/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and Apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3ife/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
I think my girlfriend has had 61 boyfriends before me...

She keeps calling me the 62nd man when we're in bed together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3hy0/i_think_my_girlfriend_has_had_61_boyfriends/
%
What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!
Sorry , I know my Dad told me :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3hdp/what_did_people_say_when_the_inventor_of_the_dry/
%
Why I fired my secretary today.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".
I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".
I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!
"We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back".
"OK", I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3gfj/why_i_fired_my_secretary_today/
%
I was taught to forgive but never forget

So now I walk around full of resentment and suspicion but don't remember why.
I think I'm doing it wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3f7x/i_was_taught_to_forgive_but_never_forget/
%
My girlfriend says a small penis shouldn't effect our sex life.

She may be right but I still wish she didn't have one. 🙄

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3ec5/my_girlfriend_says_a_small_penis_shouldnt_effect/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3bib/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
Two gay men were...

... on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should have asked for a bag!"
"I did not dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3aqy/two_gay_men_were/
%
Why did the Chicken go to the Seance?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc380e/why_did_the_chicken_go_to_the_seance/
%
The Bartender said, "We don't serve time travelers here"

A time traveler walks into a bar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc3580/the_bartender_said_we_dont_serve_time_travelers/
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A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....

No Joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc333s/a_pun_a_play_on_words_and_a_limerick_walk_into_a/
%
Did you know that there’s not a single canary In the Canary Islands?

The same thing goes for the Virgin Islands, there’s not a single canary there either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc30rm/did_you_know_that_theres_not_a_single_canary_in/
%
Random Thought

Are those who make upper extremity prosthetics known as "Arms Dealers"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc2vjl/random_thought/
%
When did America smell its best?

The Cologne-ial Period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc2rph/when_did_america_smell_its_best/
%
I remember when cosmetic surgery was considered taboo.

Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc2pi9/i_remember_when_cosmetic_surgery_was_considered/
%
What's the difference between an untrained sniper and a constipated owl?

One shoots but never hits, the other hoots but never shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc2io6/whats_the_difference_between_an_untrained_sniper/
%
how many flies...

does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2, but only god knows how the fuck they got in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc2d7a/how_many_flies/
%
Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc2c96/years_ago_i_viciously_beat_up_my_high_school/
%
The thing I like about Donald Trump is that he doesn’t get mad at you for accidentally leaving a door or window open

This is because he has a fair amount of experience dodging drafts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc2aw3/the_thing_i_like_about_donald_trump_is_that_he/
%
There's nothing worse than a cranberries song stuck in your head

In your heeeaaadd, in your head in your head in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc2940/theres_nothing_worse_than_a_cranberries_song/
%
Did you hear about the homeless guy running for U.S. President?

He demands change in America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc28vv/did_you_hear_about_the_homeless_guy_running_for/
%
How do you turn a pizza brown?

Eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc28gn/how_do_you_turn_a_pizza_brown/
%
I've just travelled all the way from Australia to the US. I can't understand a thing anyone is saying.

¡ɐɔᴉɹǝɯ∀ oʇ ǝɯoɔlǝM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc25i1/ive_just_travelled_all_the_way_from_australia_to/
%
Have you ever seen the invisible man?

Nah, but I’ve heard him!...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc22p6/have_you_ever_seen_the_invisible_man/
%
I went to the south of France last week

It was Nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc20v3/i_went_to_the_south_of_france_last_week/
%
Therapist: It seems like you place the burden of all your failures on others, refusing to take responsibility due to learned helplessness, despite most of your problems being solvable.

Client: Yeah, I get that from my mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc1vz1/therapist_it_seems_like_you_place_the_burden_of/
%
A guy on the street asked me how I keep my hair looking so slick..

I guess he was gel-less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc1vdm/a_guy_on_the_street_asked_me_how_i_keep_my_hair/
%
When does a joke turn to a dad joke?

When the Punch line becomes a parrent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc1s7w/when_does_a_joke_turn_to_a_dad_joke/
%
Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

A. Your spine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc1orx/q_what_human_body_part_is_long_hard_bendable_and/
%
What's black, white, and red all over?

That fucking cat if he knocks over the trashcan again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc1og6/whats_black_white_and_red_all_over/
%
I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.
I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places.  I couldn't believe my luck.
I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner.
On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs.
"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children."
I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't.  And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink.
I said "you don't drink?!?"
"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children."
Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this.
So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask:
"wanna get a room and knock boots?"
She says: I thought you'd never ask!
I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?
She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc1m0v/i_swiped_right_on_a_girl_without_a_picture_and_we/
%
A dad takes his children on a trip outside the US for the first time...

He looks at his kids and says "remember this moment. It is a huge kilometer-stone in your lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc1hp2/a_dad_takes_his_children_on_a_trip_outside_the_us/
%
A Chinese man decided to retire and move to America after years of living in Shanghai.

A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, and then put his left ear next to the bull’s butt.
The American can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, “dude, what the hell is it with you? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s butt, it could just about shit on you.”
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, “Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these American customs.”
“What do you mean? Those aren’t American customs.”
“Yes they are,” Chinese replied. “Man at travel agent tell me to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc1fko/a_chinese_man_decided_to_retire_and_move_to/
%
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.

She smiled at me and and said yes. The look on her face changed however when I walked away with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc1eoq/i_asked_a_pretty_young_homeless_woman_if_i_could/
%
Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."
Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to be an Arab market in the distance, and they make for it with the last of their strength. On arriving, they go to the first stall, and they say to the stallholder "Good day to you, and have you any water for sale?"
"No," says the stallholder, "but what I do have is these delicious desserts. Consider this glorious bottom layer composed of fruits and sponge cake, the middle layer of exquisite custard, and the topping of whipped cream and multi-coloured sugar strands - is it not a sight to gladden the eye?"
And the travellers agree but regretfully concede that it would only make them all the thirstier, so they go on to the next stall. As before they ask for water, but all the stallholder has for sale is another such dessert as the first vendor was selling - a confection of sponge cake and fruit and sugar and custard and cream which, regretfully, does not answer their need for drinking water at all.
And it's the same story at every other stall in the market: a score of different variations on the same dessert theme, and not a drop of water to be had.
Eventually the two Englishmen are forced to concede that there is probably no hope for them here and they set off into the desert once more, and Carruthers says, "Well, it looks like we are done for indeed, but I have to say, Blenkinsop, that was most strange, wouldn't you say?"
And Blenkinsop says "Yes - it was a trifle bazaar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc1e32/carruthers_and_blenkinsop_have_been_lost_in_the/
%
A woman with a lisp walks into a lesbian bar and informs the bartender she's allergic to peanuts.

The bartender replies, "I already knew that when you came in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc1c1c/a_woman_with_a_lisp_walks_into_a_lesbian_bar_and/
%
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc17wb/within_minutes_the_detective_figured_out_what_the/
%
A priest was caught going 50km/h over the speed limit

The officer approached the car and smelled alcohol.
"Father have you been drinking?" He asked.
The priest replied "Jesus Christ, he did it again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc115x/a_priest_was_caught_going_50kmh_over_the_speed/
%
What lies at the bottom of an ocean, shaking?

A Nervous Wreck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc0zuw/what_lies_at_the_bottom_of_an_ocean_shaking/
%
At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”
Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Son: Really?  Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc0ykd/at_a_family_breakfast_the_following_conversation/
%
I had an IQ test last week.

It came back negative...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc0xiy/i_had_an_iq_test_last_week/
%
I had to tell me steaks to back up...

They were all up in my grill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc0x4r/i_had_to_tell_me_steaks_to_back_up/
%
Why did the two book lovers break up?

They weren't quite on the same page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc0rgx/why_did_the_two_book_lovers_break_up/
%
I only got botox in one butt cheek

I guess the doctor half-assed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc0ny8/i_only_got_botox_in_one_butt_cheek/
%
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands...

No canaries there either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc0ej7/did_you_know_there_are_no_canaries_on_the_canary/
%
What does a programmer say before his imminent death?

bye world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc0d9r/what_does_a_programmer_say_before_his_imminent/
%
If I had a penis for every time somebody wanted to fuck me,

I’d be a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc0amf/if_i_had_a_penis_for_every_time_somebody_wanted/
%
Once bought a painting from a double amputee.

He was an all right artist, but it cost an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc070y/once_bought_a_painting_from_a_double_amputee/
%
The Psychic Fair was cancelled...

Due to unforeseen circumstances

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc06na/the_psychic_fair_was_cancelled/
%
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself next in 10 years?

Me: My greatest weakness is probably listening

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc038a/interviewer_where_do_you_see_yourself_next_in_10/
%
A man is rushed to hospital after inserting 3 toy horses into his anus.

The paramedics say his condition is stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cc034e/a_man_is_rushed_to_hospital_after_inserting_3_toy/
%
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Yo mama!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbznlx/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_2_legs/
%
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbzn8v/why_did_the_mexican_guy_take_xanax/
%
Never trust atoms

They make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbzasr/never_trust_atoms/
%
Therapist: And what do we say when life disappoints us?

Me: Called it!
Therapist: Umm... No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbz8t8/therapist_and_what_do_we_say_when_life/
%
A man is driving through the desert when suddenly his car breaks down

He has no idea how to fix it and is in the middle of nowhere. Under the scorching heat of the sun, hours pass by and his hopes start fading away.
All of a sudden, a grey horse appears from nowhere.
\- What's up, pal? says the horse. Can I help you?
The man is baffled. Where is this horse coming from? And how the hell is he speaking?
Before he can even start answering, the horse has opened the hood of the car and is working on the broken engine.
Ten minutes later, the horse says to the man:
\- Can you try to start it up?
The man, too numb to reply, does so and - miracle - the engine starts.
Still in complete disbelief regarding what just happened, the man drives back to the nearest village and enters the first bar he sees. There he proceeds to tell his incredible story to the barman.
\- Well, says the barman, you've been lucky it wasn't the white horse. He doesn't know shit about mechanics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbz6v2/a_man_is_driving_through_the_desert_when_suddenly/
%
I’m going to fuck your mom

Nevermind the line was to long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbyr11/im_going_to_fuck_your_mom/
%
Minecraft

is probably what hitler would have titled his autobiography if he had gotten into art school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbyqs5/minecraft/
%
If you've got bladder problems...

Urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbyoak/if_youve_got_bladder_problems/
%
If the Mafia took over the Paparazzi

it would be a flash mob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbymqd/if_the_mafia_took_over_the_paparazzi/
%
I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbyhj0/i_totally_believe_that_there_is_a_man_we_can_not/
%
Trip to the Doctor

My wife just returned home from her doctor visit.  I asked,how did it go.  She proudly said that the Doctor told her she had the breasts of a 20yr old.  I said, what did he say about your 70yr old ass?  She said, he didn’t mention you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbygz6/trip_to_the_doctor/
%
Why did Pinocchio’s girlfriend break up with him?

He said “I love you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbyg0l/why_did_pinocchios_girlfriend_break_up_with_him/
%
John Lennon: "Imagine there's no heaven"

God: "Imagine there's no John Lennon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbyfdg/john_lennon_imagine_theres_no_heaven/
%
No matter what vacuum cleaner you buy

They all suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbye38/no_matter_what_vacuum_cleaner_you_buy/
%
I invented a small fan that fits in your ear.

It’s mind-blowing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbyda2/i_invented_a_small_fan_that_fits_in_your_ear/
%
A boy comes home from school

and his mother asks him what he has done at school today. I have learned how to write, the boy says. Very well! His mother replies. What did you write? I don’t know, I haven’t learned how to read yet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbyale/a_boy_comes_home_from_school/
%
T-Rex ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew him...

But T-Rex never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cby2mq/trex_ran_into_a_girl_at_a_vegan_restaurant_who/
%
The three things I hate the most in this world...

...are racists, Chinese people, and contradictions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cby18h/the_three_things_i_hate_the_most_in_this_world/
%
I'm not self medicating myself with booze...

The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription. Well, he called it a receipt...whatever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbxz8w/im_not_self_medicating_myself_with_booze/
%
A village chief and his family.

There was a small village where everyone lived in grass huts.
In the middle of the village stood the biggest hut which belonged to the village chief and his family.
During the day, the chief sat in his throne which took up most of the space in his family's hut.
At night, the chief would secure the throne to the roof of the hut so that he and his family could sleep.
One night, the roof of the chief's hut gave way to the enormous throne.
The throne fell and landed on the chief and his family, killing them.
The village mourned the loss of their beloved chief, but they all took a valuable lesson away from this and you should too.
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbxz6w/a_village_chief_and_his_family/
%
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair...

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair”…. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her younger sister, “My monkey has grown hair”.
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbxy1p/a_girl_realized_that_she_had_grown_hair_between/
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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbxvhu/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbxtfo/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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What do you call it when Iron-Man wears the Ant-Man suit?

Tiny Stark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbxsr6/what_do_you_call_it_when_ironman_wears_the_antman/
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Man: Boss, can I leave early today?

Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Man: Fine. It’s 35 past 70.
Boss: You’re fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbxr8s/man_boss_can_i_leave_early_today/
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Police were telling me how they would never forget 9/11

Well I hope not, its their phone number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbxobf/police_were_telling_me_how_they_would_never/
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A woman carrying a baby enters a bus

The bus driver turns to her and says “My, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” Frustrated, the woman sits down next to a man. She turns to him and tells him “The bus driver was insulting me!” And the man says “You go tell him off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbxmww/a_woman_carrying_a_baby_enters_a_bus/
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Imagine being in a room

Imagine being completely naked in a room where everyone is several times your height, everyone speaks a foreign language, and they all want to touch you.
This is the life of a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbxm3c/imagine_being_in_a_room/
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Thanks Spotify for all the study playlists

They were instrumental in my success

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbxjr8/thanks_spotify_for_all_the_study_playlists/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's okay, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbxipq/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
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What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbxgc2/what_do_you_call_someone_who_points_out_the/
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All my sons want to grow up to become valets..

Seems to be an extreme case of parking sons disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbxap2/all_my_sons_want_to_grow_up_to_become_valets/
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Crocodiles. He hate them.

Ever since his father was killed by a crocodile, my cousin couldn't stand the sight of crocodiles. Whether its TV, in pictures or even stuffed animals.
He can't even stand the crocodile on brand logos. He's just become very Lacost-intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbx7cb/crocodiles_he_hate_them/
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A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

He sits at the bar and orders his drink and the bartender brings it to him.
While hes sipping on his drink the bartender says, “hey, mac, i gotta ask...whats with the octopus?”
The man says, “oh this? This is no ordinary octopus, this is a musical genius octopus!”
Skeptical, the bartender says, “yeah? What can it play?”
“Well whaddya got?” Says the guy.
“Well over there we have a piano.” Says the bartender.
So the guy picks up the octopus, sets it in front of the piano and says, “play!”
The octopus plays the most beautiful music anyone in the bar has ever heard. Better than beethoven,  better than bach, just beautiful.
“Wow!” Says the bartender.  “Im really impressed!! What else can he play?”
“What else ya got?”
“Over there we have some drums!” Offers the bartender.
So the guy picks up the octopus, sets it in front of the drums and says, “play!”
The octopus plays the drums like hes animal from the muppets, guitar like hes jimmy hendrix, and trumpet like hes miles davis!
“Wow!” Says the bartender “im really impressed!! But i bet theres one instrument he cant play!” And from behind the bar he produces a set of bagpipes. “Bet he cant play these!”
The guy sets the octopus in front of the bagpipes and immediately the octopus is crawling all over the bagpipes, pulling and pushing and prodding, just making the most awful sounds. No one in the bar has heard anything worse.
“See!” Says the bartender “i told you he couldnt play em!”
The octopus looks up and without skipping a beat says, “play em?! I was trying to get its pajamas off so i could fuck em!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbx4vy/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus_under_his/
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My friend put his dick in a girls ear.

Now she has hearing AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbx1tm/my_friend_put_his_dick_in_a_girls_ear/
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Women are like parking spaces.

Normally all the good ones are taken. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbwyif/women_are_like_parking_spaces/
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What is it called when an airplane crashes in a Nazi concentration camp?

Nein Eleven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbwwq9/what_is_it_called_when_an_airplane_crashes_in_a/
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Nothing says I have total faith in God

than the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbwter/nothing_says_i_have_total_faith_in_god/
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Carl and his friends are at the Nile River in Africa when his friend receives a call

“Carl, your wife’s car flipped on the road while she was driving, she didn’t make it.” His friend said as he put his hand on Carl’s shoulder.
“No, it’s not true, oh God!” Carl said as he jumped in the Nile River, attempting to drown himself.
“What the hell is going on?!” Carl’s other friend screamed as he ran towards Carl.
“Carl’s in denial!” His friend said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbwod3/carl_and_his_friends_are_at_the_nile_river_in/
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If you think it's bad that Europeans drive on the other side of the road....

consider that Australians have to drive upside down...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbwm8y/if_you_think_its_bad_that_europeans_drive_on_the/
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My obese parrot died the other day

I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbwic1/my_obese_parrot_died_the_other_day/
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My girlfriend left me because of my OCD.

I told her to close the door 7 times on the way out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbwgqr/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_of_my_ocd/
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In which month do women gossip the least?

February, cause it has only 28 days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbwe7g/in_which_month_do_women_gossip_the_least/
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Doc, is it a he or a she?

Dr Jackson: "Its a Hee-Hee"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbwd4d/doc_is_it_a_he_or_a_she/
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Why are little boys always mean to girls the like?

They are hitting on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbwd2x/why_are_little_boys_always_mean_to_girls_the_like/
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We should ban the sale of pre-shredded cheeses!

Let's make America grate again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbwcpg/we_should_ban_the_sale_of_preshredded_cheeses/
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At the hospital

-I’m sorry, but by accident we cut your penis...
-What the fuck?! I wan’t to see your boss you piece of sh...
-Calm down, ma’am, or I will need to call the security!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbwbiv/at_the_hospital/
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What was the most violent thing Helen Keller ever read?

The cheese grater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbwavh/what_was_the_most_violent_thing_helen_keller_ever/
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Betting and winning

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, 1165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curi-ous as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, I just I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's(your) balls in my hand!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbw92g/betting_and_winning/
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Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.
"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.
"Well, the people of my tribe believe that sacred spirits live on the moon. I was wondering if you could pass a very important message to them." said the old man.
"Well then, what's the message?" said the astronauts.
The man said something in his native language, and asked the astronauts to repeat it over and over again until they had fully memorized it.
"What does it mean?" asked the astronauts.
"Oh, I cannot tell you. It's a sacred secret that only our tribe and the moon spirits are allowed to know." the old man mentions.
When the astronauts returned to base, they searched and searched until they had found someone who could speak the old man's native language, then asked him to translate the secret message. When they repeated what they had memorized, the translator began to laugh out loud. When he calmed down, the astronauts asked him what it meant.
The man explained the sentence they had memorized so cautiously said,
"Don't believe a single word these white men are telling you. They have come to steal your lands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbw8dj/neil_armstrong_and_buzz_aldrin_were_training_for/
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Little Johnny learns three new words (old Dutch joke)

Little Johnny's mother asks him if he's learned any new words at school today. "Well, I heard some of the older kids use three new words" Johnny says "'whore', 'fuck' and 'condom'! What do they mean?"
His mother is shocked. Little Johnny is way too young to know the meaning of these words, so instead she tells him: "they're all to do with cycling sport, dear. "Whore" is another word for bike, "fucking" is another word for cycling and a "condom" is a bicycle chain"
The next day, Little Johnny is late for school. When he finally walks into the classroom, completely out of breath, his teacher asks him "Johnny, what took you so long?"
"I'm sorry, miss" Johnny says "I jumped on my whore, began fucking like crazy, but then all of a sudden my condom broke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbw7uc/little_johnny_learns_three_new_words_old_dutch/
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What language do people with colds speak?

Phlegmish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbw6u0/what_language_do_people_with_colds_speak/
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Why is been in the military like a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge the better you feel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbw3sn/why_is_been_in_the_military_like_a_blowjob/
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Marine versus the taliban.

A Taliban leader was leading a team on a patrol when he hears from over the hill; ”One Marine vs. two Taliban!”
So the Taliban leader sends two of his guys, hears a firefight for a little while. He thinks he won until he hears; ”One Marine vs. five Taliban!
The Taliban leader sends five more of his guys and again hears a firefight, the dust settles and he hears; ”One Marine vs. all the Taliban!
The Taliban leader sends the rest of his guys and starts calling in reinforcements. He hears the firefight again and is getting ready to send everyone else when one of his fighters comes over the hill on his hands and knees barely alive. The Taliban fighter’s last words were; ”Don’t do it! There's two of them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbw3ru/marine_versus_the_taliban/
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I used to live in the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th floor

But that’s another storey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbw2bd/i_used_to_live_in_the_13th_floor_but_have_just/
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What did the priest say to the kids' class

A lot of touching words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbw1u0/what_did_the_priest_say_to_the_kids_class/
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An Afghan villager is walking down a road with his wife several steps ahead of him.

He meets the mullah going the opposite way.
The mullah says, "Abdul, the Quran says that a man must always walk ahead of his wife."
Abdul says, "Well, at the time the Quran was written there were no minefields." He then says to his wife, "Keep walking, Fatima"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvymb/an_afghan_villager_is_walking_down_a_road_with/
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I keep seeing guys holding signs that say, “Homeless Vet.”

Rough times for pet doctors, eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvy0x/i_keep_seeing_guys_holding_signs_that_say/
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Dig the holes

One day a farmer wrote to his son in prison, "Son I won't be able to plant my potatoes this year because I can't dig the holes. I know if you were here, you'd help me." The son sent a reply, "don't even think about diggin them holes pop, cuz that's where I hid the money." The police read the letter, and went to the field and dug all over but never found the money. The next day the son sent another letter, "there pop, plant your seeds. That's the best I can do without being there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvweq/dig_the_holes/
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"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvvzo/do_you_think_i_reference_dinosaurs_too_much_when/
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WHAT I IF TOLD YOU...

...that you read the first line wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvv7x/what_i_if_told_you/
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I recently inherited an antique set of loaded dice from my grandfather. They used to belong to Al Capone himself.

In other words, we've been spending most our lives living with a gangster's pair of dice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvuyt/i_recently_inherited_an_antique_set_of_loaded/
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What do you call the slums of Italy

The spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvtts/what_do_you_call_the_slums_of_italy/
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Beware of performing surgery on your Dad . . .

An older gentleman was on the operating table, awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad.  What is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son.  Do your best.  And just remember that if it doesn't go well and if something happens to me, then your mother is going to come and  live with you and your wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvtgc/beware_of_performing_surgery_on_your_dad/
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How many screwdrivers does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?

I've already had four and the damn thing hasn't even budged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvsss/how_many_screwdrivers_does_it_take_to_unscrew_a/
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Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?

Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy
Cop: there's a man in your trunk
Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvque/cop_do_you_know_why_i_pulled_you_over/
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A poem

I dig.
You dig.
It dig.
We dig.
She dig.
They dig.
It’s not a good poem, but it is deep.
(Reposted from r/funny because I did post it there first and do not know if it belongs here better)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvoug/a_poem/
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In one far away planet...

There is a substance called ‘nue’. Once something falls in it, it can’t get out and will sink and suffocate. There was once a woman who owned a cat, and one day she insulted someone- but she didn’t know they were a super villain. So, the villain, being a villain, took her to his secret base, stole her cat and threw it in nue. As the girl screamed, the villain laughed and said, “this will die in nue!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvor2/in_one_far_away_planet/
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Why are Catholic priests called Father?

Because daddy would be too suspicious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvmpv/why_are_catholic_priests_called_father/
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I told my friend a joke about John F. Kennedy

It blew his mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvlp0/i_told_my_friend_a_joke_about_john_f_kennedy/
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What doesn't belong in this list: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob?

Blowjob.
You can beat your meat, eggs, or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvlb3/what_doesnt_belong_in_this_list_meat_eggs_wife/
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A Scotsman is drinking at the bar.

"I've been layin' bricks fer twenty years" he said in a dejected tone.
"But they don't call me McGregor the bricklayer do they?!" He sipped his drink and continued.
"I've bin paintin' hooses fer thirty-five years." He continued to sip his drink, his inflection getting angrier and more impassioned.
"But they doon't call me McGregor the painter doo they?!"
Finally, he skulls down the rest of his drink and bellows.
"BUT YER FOOK ONE GOAT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvgtx/a_scotsman_is_drinking_at_the_bar/
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Got home from work tired and fell into the couch. Ask my wife to bring me a beer, said hurry it's about to start

Hollered for a second beer, quick it's going to start any minute. Called for a third, it's just about to start, any second now. She storms in and starts yelling, all you do is lay on that couch and drink beer, you don't pay attention to me, you don't play with the kids, you don't do any chores around the house, you lazy s.o.b....
Sigh,  it started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvcka/got_home_from_work_tired_and_fell_into_the_couch/
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What do you call a pig mixed with a dinosaur?

Jurassic Pork.
I’ll leave now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbvafb/what_do_you_call_a_pig_mixed_with_a_dinosaur/
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A coach full of jazz musicians has broken down on the motorway, blocking all lanes.

Police say to expect some long jams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbv38i/a_coach_full_of_jazz_musicians_has_broken_down_on/
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Zoology Test

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held.
The professor passed out sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs.
No bodies, no feet, just legs.
The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs.
Our student sat and stared at the test getting
angrier every minute.
Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on
the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written."
The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. What's your name my dear?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbv1c9/zoology_test/
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So Einstein finally finished that theory of his about space

It's about time too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbv0qd/so_einstein_finally_finished_that_theory_of_his/
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I'm opening a Comedy Club on the beach.

Comic Sands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbv0q2/im_opening_a_comedy_club_on_the_beach/
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Hear about the new restaurant named Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbuz0n/hear_about_the_new_restaurant_named_karma/
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What do you get when you cross a potato and a penis?

A Dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbuv8k/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_potato_and_a/
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Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbutcc/three_men_are_in_a_hotel_room_in_soviet_russia/
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The wife checked her husband's phone and found the following names.....

- The Tender one
- The Amazing one
- Lady of my Dreams
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his Mother. Then she called the second number to which his Sister replied.
When she dialed the third  number, her own phone rang !!
She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted  her innocent husband, So she gave him her whole month's salary to make up for it...
The husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as
"Bob the plumber"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbusq0/the_wife_checked_her_husbands_phone_and_found_the/
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My local college just announced the end of a scientific study...

Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbuqze/my_local_college_just_announced_the_end_of_a/
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I was buying a Christmas tree the guy said "are you going to put it up yourself"

I said "no it's going in the living room"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbupx0/i_was_buying_a_christmas_tree_the_guy_said_are/
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I don't drink, smoke nor swear and I alwa....

Oh god fucking dammit, my cigarette fell into my beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbuoeu/i_dont_drink_smoke_nor_swear_and_i_alwa/
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My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro

I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbumwg/my_drama_professor_said_i_had_to_write_5000_words/
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A man walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia.

"They're right behind you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbuiop/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_for_books/
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My brother could never find a good job because he takes his job to seriously..

This one job he picked up was a door to door salesman selling vacuums in an new estate. so he goes to the first house and knocks on the door. A lady opens the door and he throws shit inside all in the new carpet and says,
“Lady if this vacuum doesn’t suck up That shit, I’ll eat it!” And she replies
Would you like tomato sauce? We don’t have power yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbugir/my_brother_could_never_find_a_good_job_because_he/
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The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbue2u/the_worlds_leading_expert_on_european_wasps_walks/
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It could've been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
"Not so good," says Harry.
"Why, what happened?" James queries.
"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Could have been worse," James replies calmly. "Could have been worse."
A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. "And how are things now?" he asks.
"Terrible!" says Harry. "Our house burned down last night."
"Could have been worse," says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. "Well, how goes it?" he inquires.
"Oh!" says Harry. "Things just get worse and worse. It's one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!"
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: "Could've been worse."
This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. "Wait a minute!" he says. "I'm not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we've run into one another, and every time I've told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: 'Could have been worse.' This time, for God's sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven's name could it have been any worse?"
James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile. "Could have been worse," he says. "Could have happened to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbua0d/it_couldve_been_worse/
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This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbu9jc/this_morning_i_saw_someone_smoking_weed_in_church/
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I named my wife’s boobs “All” and “Hell”.

When she takes her bra off, all hell breaks lose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbu9ij/i_named_my_wifes_boobs_all_and_hell/
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A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbu8zo/a_guy_is_late_for_an_important_meeting/
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What language a stomach speaks?

Hungarian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbu560/what_language_a_stomach_speaks/
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What does a religious predator do?

It preys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbu43x/what_does_a_religious_predator_do/
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My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video.

Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbu3zz/my_colleague_offered_to_help_me_filter_adult/
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who's the most evil muslim person that ever lived?

a guy named Muhahahahahamed, probably

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbu2le/whos_the_most_evil_muslim_person_that_ever_lived/
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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what exactly did the Dickinsons do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbu0ng/they_say_english_surnames_all_had_a_meaning_as_in/
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Love is a lot like a fart

If you push too hard...It’s shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbtwjm/love_is_a_lot_like_a_fart/
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There wont be present tenses in 2020

It's all past 10s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbtw8d/there_wont_be_present_tenses_in_2020/
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Which film does Gordon Ramsay hates the most?

FROZEN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbtuip/which_film_does_gordon_ramsay_hates_the_most/
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What did the coach say to the cows?

Now get out there and give me 2%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbtsdc/what_did_the_coach_say_to_the_cows/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."
Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.
On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. Only thing worse is that disgusting excuse for a shirt you're wearing."
Startled, the man rushes into the bathroom to freshen up, then returns to his seat at the bar.
As the bartender brings back his beer, the man says to him, "I think I'm going crazy here. I thought I had the peanuts heaping praise on me here and then the juke box ridiculing me on my way to the bathroom. Did I imagine that?"
The bartender solemnly shook his head. "No, sir. My apologies. The peanuts are complimentary, but the juke box is out of order."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbtmul/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer_from_the/
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What do you call a goth prostitute?

Edgar Allan Ho
Credit where credit due,
Thx u/roxy-rambles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbtgrw/what_do_you_call_a_goth_prostitute/
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I don't understand what I'm in jail for.....

All I said was that I'm in love with a miner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbtgoq/i_dont_understand_what_im_in_jail_for/
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I downloaded a torrent the other day and the next day 2 agents knocked on my door accusing me of being a Pirate.

I told them I can’t be a pirate and they asked why is that? I showed them my Reddit profile and said “See, no gold”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbtdg2/i_downloaded_a_torrent_the_other_day_and_the_next/
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A prince is hanging out with his best friend

Friend: So you want to break up with her?
Prince: Yeah, I have to.
Friend: Just because she is really shy, moody, dumb, has allergies, and has narcolepsy?
Prince: That is not what I said. I said she is fucking Bashful, Grumpy, Happy, Dopey, Sneezy, and Sleepy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbtbzs/a_prince_is_hanging_out_with_his_best_friend/
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Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbt8ec/got_home_to_find_my_wife_had_left_a_note_on_the/
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I’d ask you what it’s like being gay

But I’m afraid I wouldn’t get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbt80m/id_ask_you_what_its_like_being_gay/
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I'm a very consistent man at work.

I come in late every single day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbt7mu/im_a_very_consistent_man_at_work/
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Robber: Your insecurities, put them in the bag

Cashier: Please, it's all I have left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbt6uq/robber_your_insecurities_put_them_in_the_bag/
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Did you hear about the icebreaker duck?

He's the one who quacks the ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbt6ax/did_you_hear_about_the_icebreaker_duck/
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My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbt4b6/my_friend_was_bleeding_and_the_first_aid_book/
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I went to see dr hook in the 70’s

Worst prostate exam ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbszh9/i_went_to_see_dr_hook_in_the_70s/
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If I could have a dollar for every fictional character i caught feelings for

I could afford the therapy i obviously need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbstff/if_i_could_have_a_dollar_for_every_fictional/
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Why are some books so pretentious

Because they all feel entitled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbsmls/why_are_some_books_so_pretentious/
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A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.

"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbsmfg/a_homosexual_a_con_artist_and_a_child_molester/
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Yesterday, I watched two lesbian quantum physicists in a super position.

It was a double-slit experiment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbsa0u/yesterday_i_watched_two_lesbian_quantum/
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My wife just left me because I'm too insecure...

Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbs8sf/my_wife_just_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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My girlfriend left me for being overly dramatic

Dun dun DUUUNNNN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbs7dr/my_girlfriend_left_me_for_being_overly_dramatic/
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Dogs can't read an X-ray or MRI.

Catscan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbs2b0/dogs_cant_read_an_xray_or_mri/
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A science joke

A policeman catches an an electron for speeding.
Police: Do you know how fast you were going?
Electron: Yes, but now I don't know where I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbs1hs/a_science_joke/
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With the hype for Ariel The Mermaid remake. I made a suggestion to Disney, but they banned me from their website

Apparently suggesting a remake of Tarzan with a black man was a bad idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbrv51/with_the_hype_for_ariel_the_mermaid_remake_i_made/
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My uncle used to be on a SWAT team, but they kicked him off for some reason.

I don't know why though, he got twenty assists in one hostage mission.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbroye/my_uncle_used_to_be_on_a_swat_team_but_they/
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"Mommy, why did you name me Rose ?"

Mom : "Because when you were born and we were taking you out of the hospital , a rose petal landed on your head , so we named you rose."
Kid 1:"Is that why my little brothers name is leaf?"
Mom:"Yes, it is."
Kid 3:"Blaaarggghhhh-Boooodaghe-Beeebldee"
Mom:"Shut up brick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbroqw/mommy_why_did_you_name_me_rose/
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Seeing a spider is nothing.

It becomes a problem when it disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbrjo6/seeing_a_spider_is_nothing/
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I stop my microwave at 0:01

to feel like a bomb disposal expert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbrija/i_stop_my_microwave_at_001/
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How does Jesus make beer?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbrhyj/how_does_jesus_make_beer/
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Two girls are in a bar having a chat...

The first says to her friend, "I am going to ask my doctor how many calories there are in sperm". To which the friend replies "If you're swallowing that much nobody's going to care if you're a little bit chubby!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbrdtr/two_girls_are_in_a_bar_having_a_chat/
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You hear about the new Exorcist movie?

A woman hires the devil to pull a priest out of her son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbrbts/you_hear_about_the_new_exorcist_movie/
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A blind man walks into a bar

And a table... and a chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbr6c3/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I hope you die slowly

And live a long, happy life. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbr524/i_hope_you_die_slowly/
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Where does a dyslexic porn addict keep his files?

On his hard diks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbr2q2/where_does_a_dyslexic_porn_addict_keep_his_files/
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A boy come home from school and says "Guess what mom? I had sex with my teacher today!"

The mother is furious, frustrated, and mortified all at once and scream to her son:
"GO TO YOUR ROOM!! YOUR FATHER WILL DEAL WITH YOU WHEN HE COMES HOME!!!"
So after a short dinner, and a long conversation, the boy hears his dad thumping down the hallway to his room. The father opens the door, and says with a stern voice:
"Your mother told me about your day at school...
I can't tell you how deeply, seriously, and truly PROUD I AM OF YOU!! HIGH FIVE BUD! For you to get it in, at your age, with a teacher?! I love that my young man's a STUD! To celebrate you being AWESOME, you're getting a brand new bike. Right now, let's go!"
So the proud father and son walk to the bike store and walk out with a new set of wheels.
The father says:
"There she is son, how about you ride this baby home?!"
The son replies:
"Dad, I'd love to but I can't, my asshole still hurts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbqwhe/a_boy_come_home_from_school_and_says_guess_what/
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I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician.

I was just sitting around doing nothing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbqr5k/i_cant_believe_i_got_arrested_for_impersonating_a/
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It wasn't any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbqp0q/it_wasnt_any_easy_decision_but_against_all_peer/
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What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

...It's gonna take me a minute to get hard, i just got laid this morning..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbqi4x/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_pot_of_boiling_water/
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Thirteen, fourteen....

Epstein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbq5ja/thirteen_fourteen/
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What do you call the magical beam that gives people karma?

The legendary cakeray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbq3i1/what_do_you_call_the_magical_beam_that_gives/
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An Italian man is cheating on his wife

They get at it one night, scared that his wife will find out if a baby is born, the Italian man pays the lady money to move far away and send him a postcard if a a child is born. She agrees only if he pays child support until the kid is 18.
"wait, how will I know if a child is born or not?" the man asks
"I will write spaghetti on the postcard."
9 and a half months later, the Italian man's wife told him he got a weird postcard in the mail today. It said,
"3 bowls of spaghetti, 2 with meatballs and one without"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbq2pg/an_italian_man_is_cheating_on_his_wife/
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I finally stopped caring what other people think!

I hope everyone is ok with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbpx4u/i_finally_stopped_caring_what_other_people_think/
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Arms Dealer?

Would those who make upper extremity prosthetics be known as "arms dealers"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbpt91/arms_dealer/
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Me in airport: What do we want??

People: AIRPLANE NOISES!
Me: When do we want them???
People: NYOW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbpsb5/me_in_airport_what_do_we_want/
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What is the difference between a toilet bowl and a waiter?

The toilet bowl serves only one asshole at a time.
-
And yes, I know it is the joke number 9723442 in the list. However, after eating tonight very good food in a proper Italian restaurant next to a family group that would probably be excellent in performing the duelling banjos, I just felt so bad for the waitress that I had to share this profound truth with her. She seemed to enjoy the idea - up until I told her that it was my way of tipping her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbpozt/what_is_the_difference_between_a_toilet_bowl_and/
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What is a zombies favorite dessert?

A handshake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbply9/what_is_a_zombies_favorite_dessert/
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I picked up guitar as a hobby.

But guitar isn’t the only thing I’ve learned to finger because of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbphz9/i_picked_up_guitar_as_a_hobby/
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An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet.  In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and closed up”... “Ahhh bummer mate”, the helpline operator replied.
“Oh cheers, great idea, thanks mate!” Replied Bruce... and put the ‘phone down.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbpguk/an_australian_was_taking_his_girlfriend_out_for_a/
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I lost 40 pounds this year.

On an unrelated note, if you see a 6 year old boy with brown hair and brown eyes. Please contact me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbpgo6/i_lost_40_pounds_this_year/
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I mixed up my viagra and depression medication today.

No matter how much I try, everything just keeps getting harder and harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbpcsg/i_mixed_up_my_viagra_and_depression_medication/
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What do you call a black astronaut?

An astronaut you racist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbpa8s/what_do_you_call_a_black_astronaut/
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A man was walking home from work..

When he was 3 blocks away from his house, he hears from behind him....
Bump.......Bump........Bump.....,,,.
He turns around but can’t see anything. He starts running.
The sound gets louder. He looks back and sees a casket jumping and coming after him.
He gets scared and runs into his house and slams the door. He lets out a sigh of relief. But just then, with a crashing sound the casket breaks down the door.
Horrified, he runs upstairs and locks himself in the bathroom. He could hear the casket coming up the stairs.
Crashhh! The casket breaks down the door. It advances slowly towards him and opens its lid.
He looks around for something to throw. But all he could find was his cough drops. With difficulty he throws it into the casket.
The coffin stops......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbp7sq/a_man_was_walking_home_from_work/
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The Frog.

A guy goes into a bar, and sits down next to a gorgeous blonde. He pulls a little box out of his pocket, and sets it on the bar. The blonde looks at the box, but doesn't say anything.
After he finishes his first beer, he opens the box, and takes a frog out, and puts him on the bar. The blonde says, "He's cute! Does he know any tricks?" The guy goes, "Yeah, this little guy eats pussy."
The blonde doesn't believe him, but after talking to her awhile, and buying her some drinks, he convinces her to let him show her the frog's skill.
They go back to her place, she gets naked, and lays on her bed, spread-eagle.
The guy puts the frog between her thighs, and steps back. The frog just sits there.
He says, "Go on!" The frog just sits there. The blonde sighs disappointedly. Finally, he picks the frog up, and holds it to his ear, listening for a minute. Then he takes the frog away from his ear, looks it in the face, and says, "Okay, buddy, okay! I'll show you how, one more time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbp3i5/the_frog/
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A man gets off the prison bus

A man gets arrested and is getting off the prison bus
As soon as he gets inside the walls the biggest inmate in there backs him into a corner
Inmate says "alright, this is going to happen either way, the only choice I'm gonna give you, spit or no spit"
The man, shaking and sweating, says "well I guess if there's nothing I can do about it.... spit I guess"
Inmate looks over his shoulder and yells across the yard "HEY SPIT, HE WANTS A THREESOME"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbp1en/a_man_gets_off_the_prison_bus/
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What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cboysx/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
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What do you call it when you have sex with someone in order to end their dry spell?

An honorable discharge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbos1y/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_have_sex_with/
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A man walks into a bank

He's accompanied by a broker. The man asks to speak to someone about making a large deposit, so the banker sends him straight to the boss.
"Good morning," says the man, "I'm here to deposit $40,000.
"Well now," says the banker, "how did you acquire such funds? We like to keep a clean note system here."
"Not to worry," the man spoke assuredly, " The money I make is essentially winnings. See, I'm a gambler of sorts."
"Oh really?" The banker, who is also a gambler, inquires. "How so?"
"Let's have a wager shall we? I'll bet you a grand I can lick my eyeball."
The banker thought surely this was the quickest grand he would ever make, and shakes the man's hand. To his surprise, the man popped out his left eyeball, a fake, and licked it, and out it back into his socket.
"Well I'll be..." the banker exclaimed, mildly furious he fell for that.
"But wait, I'll bet you another 5 grand I can bite my ear."
Without hesitation the banker agreed, and to his distraught the man pulled  out his dentures and clamped them to his ear, and put them back into his mouth.
"You slimy weasel, I should've seen that coming." The banker exclaimed, now turning red in the face.
"I've got one more wager, how about......" he paused for a moment. "I bet 10k that I can stand in that corner of the room, and piss into the mug on your desk, and not get a single drop anywhere."
"BET."
The man proceeded to the corner, unzipped his pants, and proceeded to piss literally EVERYWHERE in the bankers office, including the banker himself. The only place he didn't was in the cup.
"HA!" The banker yelled with excitement, that was the easiest 10 grand I've EVER MADE!"
"Indeed," said the man, "I bet my broker here 50,000 that I could piss all over you and you would love it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cborqi/a_man_walks_into_a_bank/
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As a guitarist, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to cry. They cried, I cried, we all cried together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I was still lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cborip/as_a_guitarist_i_play_many_gigs/
%
Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant, we always use protection and it didn’t break. How is this possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story.  There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he want. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, then it died!
The male patient: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion...
Doctor: Good! You understand the story. Next patient please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbooc8/doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_we_always_use/
%
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbokp2/i_just_read_a_joke_about_oedipus_and_midas/
%
Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker?

If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cboio5/did_you_hear_about_the_kung_fu_baker/
%
John an Jim are in college and exam time has come

John gets in the classroom with the professor and starts speaking to him and answering his questions.
Professor then asks him: "This is the most important question, you cannot pass if you don't answer it. You are in a train and it is extremely hot inside. What will you do?"
John answers: "I will open the window."
Professor says: "Great. Now, the window surface is 1.5m, the coupe's volume is 12m^3, the train is going west 80km/h and wind is blowing from the south with the speed of 5m/s. How much time is needed to make the coupe chilly?"
John gets nervous because he clearly doesn't know it and fails.
Meanwhile, Jim was listening the whole time to their conversation and now it was his time for the test. He gets in and has similar conversation with professor like John did. He knew the answer to all the questions because he heard them from John. But the time for last question has come.
Professor: "Jim, let's say you are in a train coupe and it gets very hot inside, what would you do?"
Jim: "Well, I would take of my jacket"
Professor: "OK, but it is extremely hot, now what?"
Jim: "I would then take off my sweater and shirt."
Professor: "Jim, you still feel very hot and can't stand it."
Jim: "I would even take off my socks and pants."
Professor gets mad: "And what if there was a gay man sitting next to you and he is clearly  getting turned on because you are taking your clothes off?"
Jim then yells: "Look, a whole coupe could fuck me in the ass but I am not opening that window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbogom/john_an_jim_are_in_college_and_exam_time_has_come/
%
My buddy asked if I ever thought about putting it in the other hole

"Hell no," I replied, "Why would I want to get her pregnant???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbodnv/my_buddy_asked_if_i_ever_thought_about_putting_it/
%
How can ya tell a girl in Alabama is still a virgin ?

She can out run her brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbocdv/how_can_ya_tell_a_girl_in_alabama_is_still_a/
%
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack...

...and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbo9kq/a_middleaged_woman_had_a_heart_attack/
%
A hippie enters the bus...

Upon entering the bus he spots a nun in the back sitting quietly. He comes up to her and says:
.
-Yoo girl wanna have sex  ?
.
The nun started screaming and left at the next bus stop. Te bus driver saw that, called the hippie and said
.
-Hey man, I know a way you can have sex with her 100%!
.
-Yeah??? Tell me.
.
-Okay, listen, that nun always goes to the graveyard at night. Dress up as Jesus Christ and go there and tell her you want to have sex and she is will have sex without hesitation.
.
-Well, Doesn't hurt to try; said the hippie.
.
So tommorow at night, the hippie comes to the graveyard dressed up as Jesus Christ and comes up to the nurse:
.
-Hi, I'm Jesus Christ do you want to have sex with me?
.
The nun accepts but says they do only anal because she wants to keep her virginity. Hippie has no problem with that and in the darkness they go at it and they have a great time.
.
After sex the Guy pulls off his costume and says :
.
-HA GOTCHA I'm not Jesus Christ im the hippie from the bus yesterday!
.
The nun also pulls of the costume and says:
.
-HA! It's me, the bus driver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbo57h/a_hippie_enters_the_bus/
%
Females lag behind in math, engineering, and construction fields...

...because men have been exaggerating what constitutes six inches their whole lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbo0ei/females_lag_behind_in_math_engineering_and/
%
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day

Give him a poisoned fish and you feed him for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbnxdl/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_feed_him_for_a_day/
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What do you call the sweat from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbnw1a/what_do_you_call_the_sweat_from_sex_in_alabama/
%
Was about to throw out my old pillows, then I thought

na, I'll sleep on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbntw0/was_about_to_throw_out_my_old_pillows_then_i/
%
Fred Flintstone is now a registered sex offender...

He was arrested at the quarry banging Pebbles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbntmx/fred_flintstone_is_now_a_registered_sex_offender/
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My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?

An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first.  I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere.  He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own.  When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day).  Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma.  I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbnram/my_9_12_yearold_son_came_up_with_this_one_what_do/
%
Just been speaking with my North Korean friend and asked him what it was like living there.

"I can't complain" he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbngt4/just_been_speaking_with_my_north_korean_friend/
%
Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital..
....Just kidding they get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbndi7/where_do_horses_go_when_they_get_sick/
%
How are baby grand pianos made?

Sex organs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbn9mb/how_are_baby_grand_pianos_made/
%
One of my Irish buddies tried to develop an electric car...

It didn't have great range as he couldn't get a long enough extension cord!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbn88x/one_of_my_irish_buddies_tried_to_develop_an/
%
Did you know that people who talk to themselves are scientifically likely to be more intelligent?

Oh, sorry. I wasn't talking to you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbn4jg/did_you_know_that_people_who_talk_to_themselves/
%
Dogs can’t read an X-ray or MRI...

But catscan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbmzhs/dogs_cant_read_an_xray_or_mri/
%
Justice is best served cold

because if it was served warm, it would be justwater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbmx5b/justice_is_best_served_cold/
%
My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.

Edit : never mind , she was just at the store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbmx0a/my_wife_left_me_because_im_insecure_and_paranoid/
%
Taking The Bait

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbmw3v/taking_the_bait/
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DIET DAY 1: I have removed all the bad food from my home.

It was delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbmpwd/diet_day_1_i_have_removed_all_the_bad_food_from/
%
Don't listen to atoms.

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbmmxo/dont_listen_to_atoms/
%
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me…"
God commented, "Well, what a big deal – inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke. "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention…
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, " God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbmi3e/st_peter_took_arthur_to_the_throne_room_and/
%
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.

I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?”
He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbmfon/i_was_getting_a_prostate_exam_and_it_hurt_like/
%
On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hotdog.

She walks to the nearest hotdog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst. He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it, and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.
Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hotdog. As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles, and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.
A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hotdog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.
When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hotdog vendor,
“Excuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”
“It’s simple, ma’am,” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage, “I’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”
Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.
“Ya see, ma’am? The _real_ joke’s always in the condiments.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbm5b7/on_a_hot_summer_day_a_woman_has_a_hankering_for_a/
%
Apparently 25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness. 25%! That's horrifying.

It means 75% of them are running around untreated!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbm1nz/apparently_25_of_women_are_on_some_form_of/
%
Why is a tornado like divorce in Alabama?

With either one, someones losing the trailer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cblytk/why_is_a_tornado_like_divorce_in_alabama/
%
Three Logicians Walk Into a Bar

The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?"
The first logician says "I don't know."
The second logician says "I don't know."
The third logician says "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cblw5n/three_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the family of onions that died?

They will be forever minced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cblvyn/did_you_hear_about_the_family_of_onions_that_died/
%
A Chinese food place tried to charge me for 1,000kg worth of food

The server told me she thought I had ordered the one tonne soup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cblsqv/a_chinese_food_place_tried_to_charge_me_for/
%
Why did the Sperm cross the road?

I put the wrong socks on this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cblrlx/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
The new guy is settling in his prison cell...

When all of a sudden, one of the prisoners yells:
"83!!!!"
And every prisoner starts laughing. The new guy looks at his cell mate and asks what's going on. So his cell mate explains
"Since we always tell the same jokes, we just refer to them by number to save time."
Then all of a sudden, someone yells:
"27!!!!"
And everyone starts laughing again. To blend in, the new guy also starts laughing. This goes on for a while until someone yells:
"41!!!!"
The new guy starts laughing loudly but everyone else stays deadly silent. Worried he did something wrong he asks his cell mate:
"Was that not a funny joke?"
He replies:
"Yes it was, but he told it wrong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cblq6x/the_new_guy_is_settling_in_his_prison_cell/
%
Man boobs are awesome

Shit I forgot the comma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cblhgz/man_boobs_are_awesome/
%
What do you called an igloo without a toilet?

An ig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cblh15/what_do_you_called_an_igloo_without_a_toilet/
%
I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cblfsn/i_wasnt_sure_that_netflix_would_ever_find_success/
%
Two men are sitting at a bar. One says to another, "what do you do for work?"

He responds
"I work in gene therapy, exciting stuff, our last patient came in saying he could not please his wife, so we treated him with our cutting edge techniques. Now, he has a 10 inch penis! What about you?"
"Only about 7 and a half but my wife seems to like it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbl92q/two_men_are_sitting_at_a_bar_one_says_to_another/
%
Mickey Mouse is seeing a divorce attorney.

Attorney: So, if I have this straight, you want a divorce because Minnie is really silly?
Mickey: That is not what I said. I said she is fucking Goofy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbl8f7/mickey_mouse_is_seeing_a_divorce_attorney/
%
A little boy goes to his father and asks...

"Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat group on FaceBook. Then I set up a date via Tinder with your Mom and we met at a Starbucks, because of the free wifi. We sneaked into the rest room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a VPN, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbl6s3/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_father_and_asks/
%
Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he's not wearing his required prescription glasses.

Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses."
Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts."
Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbl2tu/officer_stops_a_man_for_speeding_notices_hes_not/
%
I need everyone to wish me luck...

I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbl2an/i_need_everyone_to_wish_me_luck/
%
The CIA are training assassins

Two men and a woman make it into the final test
The first man walks into the final test room and the CIA says “Behind that door is your wife walk in and shoot her”
The man says “Oh no, I can’t do that, I really can’t”
So the CIA escort him out the building
The second man walks into the final test room and the CIA says “Behind that door is your wife walk in and shoot her”
The man says “Yikes” He walks up to the door but he says “You know what, I’m out” and walks out of the building
Finally the woman walks into the room and the CIA says “Behind that door is your husband walk in and shoot him”
The woman has a grim look on her face but she walks in and closes the door behind him.
The CIA hear the banging sound of the gun and then a reload of the gun. Suddenly they hear the furniture in the room she is in start to shake and flip, and the silence.
The woman walks out of the room and says “Someone replaces the billets with wax ones, so I had to strangle him”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbl1yp/the_cia_are_training_assassins/
%
Why do java engineers wear glasses?

Because they can't C#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbkyod/why_do_java_engineers_wear_glasses/
%
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious

or did she?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbkeqz/my_last_girlfriend_left_me_for_being/
%
You know what I’d do if I saw a kidnapping?

I’d wake him up, the lazy bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbked7/you_know_what_id_do_if_i_saw_a_kidnapping/
%
I've always pondered about the spelling of "and" in Spanish.

Like... Just y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbk8l5/ive_always_pondered_about_the_spelling_of_and_in/
%
Trump: “Sleeping with 28 year-olds is amazing.”

Epstein: “Yeah, especially since there are 20 of them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbk8kk/trump_sleeping_with_28_yearolds_is_amazing/
%
A man goes to his boss..

And says "we're wanting to have a birthday lunch for our co-worker. Can we all have an extra 10 minutes at lunch?"
The boss replies "Can your dick touch your ass?"
"No" replies the man.
"Then no" says the boss, and goes back to work.
A week or two goes by and another man approaches the boss.
"Can I take a long weekend? I want to take my family on a trip."
"Can your dick touch your ass?" Replies the boss.
"No" says the man.
"Then no" replies the boss, and goes back to work.
Word gets around about the way that the boss would answer these questions, so one day a particularly well endowed man walks to the boss.
"Hey boss, can we get an all expense paid company party at the local pub?" He asks, smugly.
"Can your dick touch your ass?" Replies the boss.
"Well, yes!" Says the worker, happily.
"Then go fuck yourself".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbk3u4/a_man_goes_to_his_boss/
%
Baseball.

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill.
His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship. The friend says, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.”
The dying man responds, “We’ve been friends for a lifetime, so yes, I’ll do this for you.” And then he dies.
A few days later, the surviving friend is sleeping, when he hears his friend’s voice.
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” it says. “The good news is: there’s baseball in heaven.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching on Wednesday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbk3gp/baseball/
%
What do you get when you pay $0.55 to see a 50 Cent concert?

A nickel back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbk1cr/what_do_you_get_when_you_pay_055_to_see_a_50_cent/
%
Who was the most basic person to ever play the game of baseball?

Al Kaline
Thought of this this morning. Pretty sure it's OC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbjjcl/who_was_the_most_basic_person_to_ever_play_the/
%
Why did Jeff Epstein get off Facebook?

It turned 15 and he lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbjjc7/why_did_jeff_epstein_get_off_facebook/
%
You hear about the fight at red lobster?

Four fish were battered!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbjjc9/you_hear_about_the_fight_at_red_lobster/
%
What do you get if you cross a cow and an octopus?

A ceasing of your funding and an investigation from the ethics committee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbjhoj/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_cow_and_an_octopus/
%
I like my /r/jokes like I like my coffee

The same thing every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbjbtq/i_like_my_rjokes_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
There was a pretty awkward silence at the dinner table, so I decided to talk about the crashing of the titanic.

That seemed like a good way to break the ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbjaof/there_was_a_pretty_awkward_silence_at_the_dinner/
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How do you know if you've been burglarized by Asians?

1) Your cat is missing.
2) Someone did all your math homework while you were away.
3) They are still trying to back out of your driveway when you get home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbjaen/how_do_you_know_if_youve_been_burglarized_by/
%
I asked Princess Leia for a list of her favorite bands...

It's Alderaan Duran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbj5mv/i_asked_princess_leia_for_a_list_of_her_favorite/
%
Did you hear about the 5 French cats on a raft?

Un deux trois cat sank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbj5fo/did_you_hear_about_the_5_french_cats_on_a_raft/
%
"So how'd the blind date go?" I asked my wheelchair-bound friend.

"Awful," he said. "She just walked into the restaurant, lifted me out of my chair, propped me against the table, and left."
"Aw, man, that sucks," I said. "I can't believe she stood you up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbj3rc/so_howd_the_blind_date_go_i_asked_my/
%
A young boy has a speech impediment

And decides to go to the grocery store to buy some gum. He walks in, and says "Hello, I would like to buy some bum please." The grocer asks him to repeat what he is looking for. The boy does, and the grocer realises that the boy is looking for gum, and send him down the correct aisle.
The boy then leaves the grocery store and sees a hardware store. He decides that he would like to buy a bucket. He enters, talks to the clerk and asks for a fucket. The clerk asks him to repeat it, and then realises that the boy is looking for a bucket and sends him down the correct aisle.
The boy then goes to a pet store. He sees the cutest dog, a cocker spaniel. He decides that he should buy this dog, and asks the lady "how much for the cockan spanket? The lady, horrified, asks him to repeat himself. He does, and she realised what he is asking, and sells him the dog.
He is walking home with his gum, his bucket and his cocker spaniel, when the dog sees a squirrel and runs away. He sees a man walking towards him, and quickly yells "Hey! Hold my bum and fucket while I get my cockan spanket!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbittb/a_young_boy_has_a_speech_impediment/
%
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day.
The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.”
The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”
The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof.
The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why.
The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbit8l/a_man_goes_to_a_bank_and_asks_to_deposit_5000/
%
Thanks for explaining what a plethora is.

It really means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbit1a/thanks_for_explaining_what_a_plethora_is/
%
Age is just a number. On my 40th birthday, I went to the high school track to see what I could do in the mile run, and I set a new personal best!

Half a mile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbir61/age_is_just_a_number_on_my_40th_birthday_i_went/
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The business man who moved to [nsfw]

A high powered business man moved to the mountains to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life.
For months the only person he saw was the man who delivers his mail.
After 8 months there came a strange knock on the door, when he opens the door, there stood a giant man with a huge beard and arms the size of the business man's torso.
He says with deep and gruff "My names Olaf and I live a few miles from here and noticed you don't go into town much and I wanted to welcome you to a party I'm having at my place."
The man is excited because it's been far too long since he has mingled hurriedly agrees.
Olaf continues," I just want to warn you there's gonna be some drinking"
The man responds, that's okay I can hold my booze
Olaf says "Well just so you know, there's bound to be some fighting."
The man again responds that he can hold his own Ina fight
To which Olaf says "There's bound to be some fucking too"
The guys is ecstatic, and says I'll be there. But Olaf what do I wear to one of your parties?
Olaf says " hell I don't care it's just going to be the two of us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbipvg/the_business_man_who_moved_to_nsfw/
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How do you get 100 drunk rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

You say "please exit the pool".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbinvd/how_do_you_get_100_drunk_rowdy_canadians_out_of_a/
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A PETA member was going to drive himself to a fashion show, but he changed his mind...

...when he found out they would show fur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbikba/a_peta_member_was_going_to_drive_himself_to_a/
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I have gotten pretty damn good at door to door sales of home security systems

When no one is home, I leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbi9ti/i_have_gotten_pretty_damn_good_at_door_to_door/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It really sucks if you've got diabetes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbi9ij/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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A doctor was sued for malpractice due to his horrible temper

Needless to say, that was the day he lost all of his patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbi8ql/a_doctor_was_sued_for_malpractice_due_to_his/
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I will not drown if i ever stuck in floods, Guess why?

Because I am dead inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbi7j7/i_will_not_drown_if_i_ever_stuck_in_floods_guess/
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Two Irish men walk out of a bar

Yes, it happens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbi7ah/two_irish_men_walk_out_of_a_bar/
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What country has the largest capital?

Ireland, because it's always Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbi4t3/what_country_has_the_largest_capital/
%
Why don't cows wear shoes?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbi4ey/why_dont_cows_wear_shoes/
%
What did the boron control rod say to the nuclear core before prematurely exploding ?

Just the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbhvg6/what_did_the_boron_control_rod_say_to_the_nuclear/
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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbhtig/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
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People are seriously still shooting fire works on July 9?!?

One almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbhqyo/people_are_seriously_still_shooting_fire_works_on/
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What do you call a short Mexican

A paragraph, because he’s not a full essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbhquv/what_do_you_call_a_short_mexican/
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Knock knock

“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbhqkz/knock_knock/
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He’s now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbhqh9/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
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What does a hotdog call his wife?

Honey bun.
*As told buy my 7 year old.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbhmhe/what_does_a_hotdog_call_his_wife/
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I would tell a time travel joke

But none of you liked it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbhmf6/i_would_tell_a_time_travel_joke/
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What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

The one has claws and the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbhk7e/what_is_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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Lunch

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language and bad behavior of the workers there and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk to them about goodness, kindness and God. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"Hello brothers, do you men know Jesus Christ?
They shook their heads and looked at each other .. very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbhg08/lunch/
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Knock Knock!

Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 Who?
You swore you'd never forget...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbhcz7/knock_knock/
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When life gives you lemons

Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbhco1/when_life_gives_you_lemons/
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A chicken walks into a library

, turns to the librarian.
The librarian asks the chicken 'what can I do for you?'
Chicken replies with 'booook.'
The librarian gives the chicken a book and it walks away and leaves the library. The chicken comes back 5 minutes later with the book and gives it back to the librarian.
Once again the librarian asks the chicken 'what can I do for you?' to which the chicken replies 'booook'
Once again the chicken leaves and comes back 5 minutes later with a book, the librarian once again asks what he wants and gives it a new book but decides this time to follow the chicken and see where it goes/does.
The librarian follows the chicken out of the library and takes a right round to the side of the library, the chicken walks up to a frog, gives the book to the frog who says to the chicken 'Reddit'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbh85q/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
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Can't argue with that

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other " Which do you think is further away ... Florida or the moon the other blonde says HELOOOOOOO can you see Florida

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbh3i2/cant_argue_with_that/
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Why don't cows wear shoes?

Because they lactose
(Lack toes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbgxim/why_dont_cows_wear_shoes/
%
So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.
"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!"
Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying, "Tickets please."
The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said, "Tickets please."
They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on.
"That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!"
After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them... and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all!
"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train."
On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying, "Tickets please."
All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematicians door and said, "Tickets please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbgvfl/so_there_were_3_mathematicians_and_3_engineers/
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Why did the guru refuse novocaine at the dentist?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbguku/why_did_the_guru_refuse_novocaine_at_the_dentist/
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What is the purpose of reindeer?

It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbgub1/what_is_the_purpose_of_reindeer/
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbgsrr/what_did_the_left_eye_say_to_the_right_eye/
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Two tightropes are side by side.

One is made of polyester, the other nylon.
The tightrope walker makes it across the polyester rope with no trouble, but on her way back across the nylon line, the rope gives a little too much, and she falls to the net.
The polyester rope looks over in disappointment. "That was a disgraceful performance! Once the pressure hit, you just instantly bowed to it! Did you even *go* to tightrope training?!"
"Yes! I swear!" the nylon rope insists. "But that's just how I was taut!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbgrp6/two_tightropes_are_side_by_side/
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Congratulations, r/Jokes! You are now featured as the most eco friendly subreddit of 2019!

Why? Because everything here is recycled.
Thanks for doing your part in saving the environment, everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbgr83/congratulations_rjokes_you_are_now_featured_as/
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A man and woman were about to "get it on"

He starts to take his shoes and socks off when she cries out,
"Oh shit,what happened to your feet?"
He replies,"Oh that.I had tolio."
"You mean polio don't you?"
"No.It just infected my toes."
Thinking nothing of it he begins taking off his pants.
"Oh my,What happened to your knee caps?"she asks.
"Oh that.Its nothing.I once had kneasles."
"Don't you mean measles?"she asks.
"No.The disease only attacked my knees,therefore it's called kneasles"
He begins to take off his shorts an she blatantly cries out,"Let me guess,Small cocks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbgoma/a_man_and_woman_were_about_to_get_it_on/
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Just a little fire truck

A  firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.  The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.  The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.  The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.  "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied.  The firefighter looked a little closer.  The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.  "Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbgkus/just_a_little_fire_truck/
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What type of breakfast does Thanos like?

A perfectly balanced breakfast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbgb5k/what_type_of_breakfast_does_thanos_like/
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I’m in a huge hurry!

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbga97/im_in_a_huge_hurry/
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I'm going to open a business with the money I got from my donation to the sperm bank

Now that I've got a little seed money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbga65/im_going_to_open_a_business_with_the_money_i_got/
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Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.
‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.
‘We are here as a part of a research expedition that will very soon travel to explore the Moon!’
‘The Moon?! Hmm... could you then do me a favor?’
‘What do you want?’
‘Well, the people of my tribe believe that holy spirits live on the Moon. I was wondering if you could pass an important message to them from my people.’
‘What’s the message?’
The man uttered something in his tribal language, and then asked the astronauts to repeat it again and again until they had memorized it correctly.
‘What does it mean?’ asked the astronauts.
‘Oh, I cannot tell you. It’s a secret that only our tribe and the moon spirits are allowed to know.’
The astronauts were intrigued with the secret message, so when they returned to their base they searched and searched until they finally found one Native American who could speak old man's tribal language and translate the message.
When they repeated the message they had memorized, the translator started to laugh his ass off.
‘Why are you laughing man, what does the message say?’
'It says - Don’t believe a single word these people are telling you. They have come to steal your lands.’
*EDIT: Tnx for the gold :) If you liked the joke, I think you will also like the source. It's the book called 'Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind' by Yuval Noah Harari. I warmly recommend it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbg9ud/landing_on_the_moon/
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A man caught his sister masturbating with a cucumber.

Man: "Eww! That's my dinner! You're making it taste like cucumber!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbg8s7/a_man_caught_his_sister_masturbating_with_a/
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what does a devil do to stay fit?

>!exorcise!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbg8eg/what_does_a_devil_do_to_stay_fit/
%
One night, I lie awake in my bed, staring at the night sky and ask myself..

"where the fuck is my roof?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbg6zv/one_night_i_lie_awake_in_my_bed_staring_at_the/
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Little Ernie was taking a walk in the park with his father

, when suddenly a bee settled on a rock, in front of them. Just for a spice, Ernie picked up a piece of wood and smashed the bee, whereupon his father said:
-"That was very cruel, Ernie. And for being cruel, you will get no honey for a year!"
Later, Ernie deliberately stepped on a butterfly.
"And for that young man", said his father, "you will get no butter for a year!"
When they returned home, Ernie's mother was fixing the dinner. Just as they entered the kitchen, she saw a cockroach and immediately crushed it.
Ernie looked at his father mischievously and said:
"Will you tell her, Dad, or shall I?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbg3um/little_ernie_was_taking_a_walk_in_the_park_with/
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Nintendo just announced they're changing Pokemon Sword & Shield to Pokemon Circle & Oval

After Game Freak decided to cut every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbg30o/nintendo_just_announced_theyre_changing_pokemon/
%
A priest and rabbi were skinny dipping in a lake when a group of people arrived.

Some belonged to the priest’s congregation and the others belonged to the rabbi’s. The priest and rabbi left their clothes on the other side of the lake and didn't have time to retrieve them, so they got out of the lake hoping to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi who was running with his hands covering his face. “Rabbi! What are you doing?” he asked. The rabbi replied, “In my community, they recognize me by my face!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbg1o0/a_priest_and_rabbi_were_skinny_dipping_in_a_lake/
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How many men does it take to screw a light bulb ?

One but his d*ck will probably hurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbg0i6/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_screw_a_light_bulb/
%
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbfyfh/dad_doctor_all_five_of_my_boys_want_to_be_valets/
%
Why did the duck go to drug dealer

Quack
(Yea I know it’s terrible but I’m at the park and I just saw some ducks, so yea)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbfxw2/why_did_the_duck_go_to_drug_dealer/
%
What do you call Einstein getting a hand job?

A stroke of genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbfssj/what_do_you_call_einstein_getting_a_hand_job/
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I was going to tell a joke about sodium

But then I was like Na no one will get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbfq71/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_sodium/
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My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I just don’t understand why she feels that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbfmlg/my_wife_just_accused_me_of_having_zero_empathy/
%
"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.
"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.
"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.
"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.
"Won," radioed the American sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbfgah/un_deux_trois_quatre_radioed_the_french_ship/
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Cringe Airlines

What happens when you combine Fox News, CNN, and a Fleshlight.
You get a plane
The right wing, the left wing, and the cockpit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbfbv9/cringe_airlines/
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Relationships are like algebra: You look at your X and wonder Y

Relationships are like algebra:
You look at your X and wonder Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbf5xw/relationships_are_like_algebra_you_look_at_your_x/
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Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp?

Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbf0w8/damn_girl_are_you_a_pink_himalayan_salt_lamp/
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Someone sees a statue of Jesus made out of cigarette butts. Whats his reaction?

HOLY SMOKES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbez63/someone_sees_a_statue_of_jesus_made_out_of/
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What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen
What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?
Irene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbewb0/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_one_leg/
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What subject do drug dealers excel at?

Methematics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbeuia/what_subject_do_drug_dealers_excel_at/
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I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbenut/i_went_to_the_liquor_store_on_my_bicycle_and/
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What did the scientist say when a lump of gold jumped on to his periodic table?

Ay You, get off my table!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbenos/what_did_the_scientist_say_when_a_lump_of_gold/
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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cben3s/why_do_japanese_christians_offer_rice_wine_to/
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I was watching the Hong Kong protests on youtube but it was blur

There was no resolution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbefxe/i_was_watching_the_hong_kong_protests_on_youtube/
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A joke from a friend

How many Qs do you need to make people say "you're welcome" ?
10Qs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbeee4/a_joke_from_a_friend/
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I wanted to post a joke about sodium

But then I was like Na, people wont understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbee0z/i_wanted_to_post_a_joke_about_sodium/
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What is the number one cause of dry skin?

Towels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbebo6/what_is_the_number_one_cause_of_dry_skin/
%
Probably been posted before, but: So what if I can't spell armageddon....

Its not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbebey/probably_been_posted_before_but_so_what_if_i_cant/
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Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going to be furious... He yells at the woman, "Where's your baby powder?"
Confused, she says, "Top shelf of the medicine cabinet!"
He puts it all over his hands and hurries home. Sure enough, his wife is waiting up, pissed to no end.
He says, "Baby, I went to get smokes and this hot chick came on to me and I'm just a man and I gave in. We fucked and I passed out and just woke up..."
She says, "Show me your hands!"
He holds them out, covered in baby powder and she says, "You lying bastard! You were playing pool all night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbe9y9/guy_tells_hours_wife_hes_going_out_for_cigarettes/
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Cockroaches can survive a nuclear fallout but dies when you swat them with a newspaper...

Shows how toxic our media is...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbe949/cockroaches_can_survive_a_nuclear_fallout_but/
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A genie and an idiot

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbe93z/a_genie_and_an_idiot/
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Dad, what kind of Berry is that?

Dad: "It's a blackberry."
Then why is it red?
Dad: "Because it's still green."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbe5jk/dad_what_kind_of_berry_is_that/
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Guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

The bartender asks him "Heineken or Carlsberg?" the guy chooses a carlsberg, drinks 10, walks out and passess out on his stomach on the sidewalk.
A priest goes by, sees the guy with his ass cracking through his pants, can't resist his urges and proceeds to molest the guy.
After a few hours, the guy wakes up all blurry, sees the bar and walks in. The bartender asks him again "Heineken or Carlsberg?". The guy picks the carslberg again, has 10 more, and again passes out on the sidewalk in front of the bar.
The priest goes by again, and again fails to control his urges and brutally fucks the passed out guy in the ass.
After a few hours the guy wakes up, sees the bar and walks in again. The bartender asks him again "Heineken or Carlsberg?"
The guy replies: "I'll have a heineken, I think Carlsberg makes my ass sore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbe56i/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_beer/
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Three couples are trying to get married.

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbe4gg/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married/
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Turns out cigarettes are harmful to children...

I probably shoulda used an ashtray anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbdymu/turns_out_cigarettes_are_harmful_to_children/
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[OC] What do you call a dead lizard?

A Die-nosaur!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbdoef/oc_what_do_you_call_a_dead_lizard/
%
Q: What do you get if you mix ducks with fireworks?

**A :  Firequackers.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbdh92/q_what_do_you_get_if_you_mix_ducks_with_fireworks/
%
To fake the Moon Landings, NASA hired Stanley Kubrick...

Who insisted on filming on location

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbdg3q/to_fake_the_moon_landings_nasa_hired_stanley/
%
What do we want? - Better memory!!

When do we want it? - Want what??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbdejj/what_do_we_want_better_memory/
%
What did the leper say to the hooker when he couldn't pay.

"Sorry, but you can keep the tip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbdand/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_hooker_when_he/
%
To what party was ‘Z’ not invited?

The Not-Z Party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbdakz/to_what_party_was_z_not_invited/
%
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records

Until I got kicked out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbd964/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbd5j0/the_even_numbers_blamed_the_division_of_their/
%
I tend to forget my musical notes, so my instructor told me to write them down

It was the first time someone told me to logarithm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbd5al/i_tend_to_forget_my_musical_notes_so_my/
%
a drugaddict was going to buy some drugs from a drug dealer

when they finally met, the drug dealer asked: so... what do want?
client: I want some uh... Coke.
drug dealer: is pepsi ok?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbd55e/a_drugaddict_was_going_to_buy_some_drugs_from_a/
%
Odd numbers torment me a lot. So, I subtract them by 1

To get even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbd4nz/odd_numbers_torment_me_a_lot_so_i_subtract_them/
%
What is the best gun against: Demons, Ghost, Aliens etc...?

Prozac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbd4b2/what_is_the_best_gun_against_demons_ghost_aliens/
%
Damn girl are you a reddit user?

Because you give me the same fucking shit, hours after hours!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbd46c/damn_girl_are_you_a_reddit_user/
%
At the Glasgow Sheriff's Court, the Sheriff is becoming annoyed at the conduct of a scruffy youth in the spectators' gallery

who is leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets and noisily chewing gum with his mouth half open. Eventually the Sheriff can bear it no more and signals for the bailiff, and says to him "Would ye tell yon young man to stop masticatin' in ma coort?". Whereupon the bailiff trots up to the gallery, heaves up alongside the scruffy youth, and out of the corner of his mouth he growls:
"Tak' yer hands oot o' yer pockets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbd3pf/at_the_glasgow_sheriffs_court_the_sheriff_is/
%
Why did Smaug's friends have an intervention?

He had a bad hobbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbd2n6/why_did_smaugs_friends_have_an_intervention/
%
The year is 1850 in California...

Miners flock to a river to hopefully get a fraction of the immense wealth that awaits in the rivers. Miners come by the hundreds and claim a spot in the river... At least the lucky ones. Some are a little too late and miss the chance to get a spot and leave, except one.
For a week, a miner who missed the chance for a spot sat in his wagon and watched the other miners work.
After one week, one miner sighs and gives up on his search for gold, and packs his things for the next river. Before he goes, he leaves a sign in what was once his spot saying "No gold here."
Imediently, the miner who waited for the one week runs to the spot and rips the sign out.
"Wot you doin' dere, boy?" The other miner says. "Didn'tcha see da sign? Dere ain't no gold dere."
The waiting miner places the sign back and says "Dere is now."
The first miner scratches his head. "Whatcha mean?"
"I taked da sign out and put it back in."The waiting miner says. "You always get gold for repostin'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbd1lt/the_year_is_1850_in_california/
%
What do you call a caveman strolling through a park?

A meanderthal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbcy9h/what_do_you_call_a_caveman_strolling_through_a/
%
What did they name Game of Thrones' first stock exchange?

Investeros

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbcwcn/what_did_they_name_game_of_thrones_first_stock/
%
What do you call a dog on top of a house?

A woof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbcncw/what_do_you_call_a_dog_on_top_of_a_house/
%
I would tell you a construction joke but...

I’m still working on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbcmir/i_would_tell_you_a_construction_joke_but/
%
One for the French speakers

A Frenchman was beating me with bread.
Oh, the pain!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbcauh/one_for_the_french_speakers/
%
As I get older I think of all people I’ve lost along the way

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbc71s/as_i_get_older_i_think_of_all_people_ive_lost/
%
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing...

...but mean your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbc2uj/a_freudian_slip_is_when_you_say_one_thing/
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A Million Dollars of nothing

A 9th grade English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.
Alex handed in a blank sheet of paper.
"Alex!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?"
"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbc1to/a_million_dollars_of_nothing/
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbbzjm/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
I stole a tip jar yesterday and I regret it

Especially after I got kicked out of the circumcision clinic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbbym7/i_stole_a_tip_jar_yesterday_and_i_regret_it/
%
What do you call a blind German?

A not see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbbvz2/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
%
Everyone in the senior class of ninja school was marked absent today.

They all got an A+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbbsyk/everyone_in_the_senior_class_of_ninja_school_was/
%
Garbage Collector

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.
His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbboff/garbage_collector/
%
Why didn't the jelly come out of the squeeze bottle?

It was jammed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbbijr/why_didnt_the_jelly_come_out_of_the_squeeze_bottle/
%
What is mushroom sexual entertainment called?

Sporn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbbavp/what_is_mushroom_sexual_entertainment_called/
%
Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day...

...give Karen a fish, and she’ll complain she ordered chicken instead, and demand to talk to the manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbb5jv/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
%
Granpa walks into a church

He comes up to the priest and speaks:
-Father, I have sinned...
-What happend? Tell me.
-Few days ago my lady bent over to pick up something from the fridge and I don't know what got to me but I went on her and you know..
-Well she is your lady?
-Yes.
-And you are in a marriage?
-Yes
-Well it's not a sin, it's a normal thing.
-Okay, thank you father.
.
.
The next day old lady walks into a church, also comes up to the priest and speaks up:
-Father, I have sinned.
-What happend? Tell me.
-Well you know few days ago I wanted to get something from a fridge, so I bent ov-
-Yeah yeah I know all about it, your man was here yesterday, he told me about it.
- Really?? Well is it a sin??? I mean I don't know if it's a sin or not..
-You are married and It's what married people do, it is a normal thing.
-So can we still come here?
-Yes, ofcourse.
-Good, because we are banned from Walmart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbayia/granpa_walks_into_a_church/
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I'm like a credit card

Constantly being used and declined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbavb8/im_like_a_credit_card/
%
I wonder if Jared from Subway is still staying trim in prison...

I mean he’s still probably getting a foot-long everyday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbau33/i_wonder_if_jared_from_subway_is_still_staying/
%
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbatxb/how_does_a_woman_scare_a_gynecologist/
%
If I were to ask you out....

Would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbate4/if_i_were_to_ask_you_out/
%
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree...

... I don't think, "awww, how sweet?" I just think it is suprising how many people take knives on dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbasr2/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree/
%
1.) Scooby 2.) Yabba Dabba

My 2 doo list

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbarco/1_scooby_2_yabba_dabba/
%
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand when...

he happened to glance over a fence and see a farmer going at it with a sheep. The shocked Aussie climbed the fence and walked over to the fellow. "You know, mate," he pointedly remarked, "back home we shear those."
The New Zealander looked at the intruder defiantly and said, "I'm not bloody shearing this with no one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbalx9/an_australian_was_walking_down_a_country_road_in/
%
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbalqw/i_just_realized_my_wife_left_me_because_of_my/
%
If a woman dies while cooking, the person who finds her will have a hot meal waiting for them

Them will also have what she was cooking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbaidz/if_a_woman_dies_while_cooking_the_person_who/
%
If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd have no idea why I had so many dimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbahku/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_didnt_understand/
%
I recently found out that if you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-ball that you can see the future!

Trust me! My friend Joe did it once.  He Said right after drinking it he was gonna die, and then he did!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbagkw/i_recently_found_out_that_if_you_drink_the_blue/
%
So two people are discussing logic..

One of them asks what logic is an the other one explains:
A_”So, you have a fish tank?”
B_”Yeah”
A_”So you like fish and water?”
B_”Yes”
A_”Where else can we find fishes and water together?”
B_”The sea!”
A_”Yes. And you also like beaches considering how close they are to sea”
B_”I do”
A_”You like seeing girls at the beach, right?”
B_ “Yes, i do”
A_” So you have wife?”
B_”I do have a wife”
A_”So you’re a straight male”
B_”I am!”
A_”That’s logic!”
B_”Wow, thanks man”
The man proceeds to go about his day and ends up in a bar. Upon entering another man asks him why is he so happy, he responds:
B_”I finally understood logic!”
C_”Oh yeah?, then explain it to me”
B_”Well, first off, do you have a fish tank?”
C_”No”
B_”Then you’re gay”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbagct/so_two_people_are_discussing_logic/
%
Girl : Dad... I’m pregnant.

Dad: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad!
Girl: No, it’s Uncle Billy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbag3s/girl_dad_im_pregnant/
%
Superman was taking a stroll one night

As he walks past the local church, the priest runs out to him and says "Superman, you've got to help us. The walls that lead to the basement has collapse, and there are people trapped down there!!
"No way", he replies. "I can't go near the crypt tonight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cbabdo/superman_was_taking_a_stroll_one_night/
%
When you're dead...

When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. The pain is felt by others.
Same thing happens when you're stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cba1yh/when_youre_dead/
%
Why does Norway have barcodes on the side of their naval ships?

So they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cba01z/why_does_norway_have_barcodes_on_the_side_of/
%
When you're having sex...just as you reach Nirvana, but before you have The Offspring, what do you make?

Pearl Jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9zu1/when_youre_having_sexjust_as_you_reach_nirvana/
%
I’ve recently been told that I should live every moment as if it was my last.

My neighbors are starting to get annoyed with the constant screaming and crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9zdy/ive_recently_been_told_that_i_should_live_every/
%
A rapist, a racist and a pedophile walk into a bar

"Just you tonite Mr. Trump?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9woa/a_rapist_a_racist_and_a_pedophile_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I Went to Paris to See a Landmark.

It was quite an Eiffel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9v68/i_went_to_paris_to_see_a_landmark/
%
Star-lord, Rocket, Gamora, Drax; they’re all good and fun characters but Groot is the real star of the movies

He should really branch out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9u9i/starlord_rocket_gamora_drax_theyre_all_good_and/
%
How many letters are there in "garbage"?

Only the ones you've sent me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9ror/how_many_letters_are_there_in_garbage/
%
When's the best time to buy a chicken?

When they're going "CHEEP!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9qgf/whens_the_best_time_to_buy_a_chicken/
%
There's a robbery in a jewelry shop, but when the police arrive, the thief has escaped

One agent says to another:
"If we do not arrest anyone the boss is going to get angry"
The other agent looks around and sees a drunk man sleeping in a corner, and says:
"Well, we take that drunk and we say it was him"
They take him to the police station, where they interrogate him:
"Where are the jewels?"
The drunk man, who is half asleep, does not answer. The policeman asks again:
"Where are the jewels?"
But the drunk man does not answer. The police gets fed up, takes a bucket of water and puts the drunkard's head inside.  He takes him out and asks him again:.
"where are the jewels?"
The drunk man still does not answer.  He puts him underwater again, and when he takes him out, they ask him again:
"Where are the fucking jewels?"
And the drunk man replies:
"Well, I do not see them here, why don't you hire a diver?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9n9a/theres_a_robbery_in_a_jewelry_shop_but_when_the/
%
What is a hackers favorite pop group?

The Black IP’s
Note: Siri voice to text is solely responsible for this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9n0e/what_is_a_hackers_favorite_pop_group/
%
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan...

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her.
At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9i4r/during_a_funeral_the_pallbearers_accidentally/
%
What do you call a midget psychic on the run?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9f1f/what_do_you_call_a_midget_psychic_on_the_run/
%
What did the little girls ribbon become in the rain

A rainbow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9ez3/what_did_the_little_girls_ribbon_become_in_the/
%
Reddit is just like fencing

Your response to anything original is either a block or a riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9bst/reddit_is_just_like_fencing/
%
I dislike my job as a waiter.

But it puts food on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9av6/i_dislike_my_job_as_a_waiter/
%
A bookcase I built just collapsed

I have only my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb9a8r/a_bookcase_i_built_just_collapsed/
%
What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his Girlfriend?

He wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb99h8/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "what are those clocks?"
St Peter answered, "those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh." Said the man. "Who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Theresa's," replied St Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible!" Said the man.
"That clock over there is Abraham Lincoln's," St Peter continued. "The hands have moved twice, so he only ever told two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Trump's clock?" The man asked.
"His clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb95hd/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb94wf/nsfw_i_have_celiac_disease_and_my_bdsm_wife_likes/
%
I got robbed last night

The robber was looking for money, so I got out of bed and helped him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb92cf/i_got_robbed_last_night/
%
1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb91yh/1_cockadoodle_2_yabba_dabba_3_voo_4_sea_5_didgeri/
%
Every morning, I wake up and find that someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb8l35/every_morning_i_wake_up_and_find_that_someone_has/
%
A physicist sees a guy standing at the edge of a building about to jump.

He shouts:
"Don't do it! You have so much potential."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb8ij2/a_physicist_sees_a_guy_standing_at_the_edge_of_a/
%
Damn girl are you a reddit user?

Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb8i0a/damn_girl_are_you_a_reddit_user/
%
NSFW - A women with no arms and no legs

Is sitting on the beach crying.
A man walks up to her and says “What’s wrong?” She replies “I’ve never been hugged before.” The man looks around and gives her a hug.
The next day he encounters the same woman, crying again on the beach. He asks her again, “What’s wrong now?” She says” I’ve never been kissed before.” So the man kisses her.
The next day he encounters the same women and she is now crying even more.
He says “What’s wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed.” This time she replies “Yea, but I’ve never been f*****d before.”
The man thinks for a second, and has an idea.
He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her “Well, you’re f*****d now!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb8hdg/nsfw_a_women_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
My wife left me yesterday. She turned to me, and exclaimed “I LOVE JESUS”

And then she ran off with our gardener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb8fwk/my_wife_left_me_yesterday_she_turned_to_me_and/
%
Daddy daddy, i managed to get a role on my school play this year

Dad : What role did you get ?
Son : i gotten the role of a husband with 20 years of marriage.
Dad : aww dont worry son, hope next year you be able to get a speaking role.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb8acq/daddy_daddy_i_managed_to_get_a_role_on_my_school/
%
So a British SAS squadron and an American Marine squadron are arguing together who are the bravest soldiers...

A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The American squad leader turns to the British officer and says, "My Marines are so much braver than your SAS."
"I doubt that very much," says the SAS officer.
"They are much braver," says the American. "Watch this."
The American squad leader turns to one of his Marines and shouts, "SERGEANT!! Climb to the very top of that building and jump off."
"SIR, YES SIR," shouts the sergeant. The sergeant runs inside the building, runs to top and, without a second's thought, jumps off the top of the building and smashes into the ground. He survives but is very badly injured and gets taken away on a stretcher. The American leader turns to the SAS officer and says, "Now that's bravery."
"Yeah? Well watch this," says the British officer. He turns to his men and bellows at the top of his voice, "YOU, PRIVATE, CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THAT BUILDING AND JUMP OFF."
The private looks at the officer and says, "Sir, GO FUCK YOURSELF, Sir."
The Officer turns around to the American and says, "Now THAT'S fucking bravery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb886s/so_a_british_sas_squadron_and_an_american_marine/
%
I don’t always tell Dad jokes, but when I do

He laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb86ai/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes_but_when_i_do/
%
I asked my brother why he keeps his hair long

He said : well, I didn't like at first, but then it kind of *grew on me*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb81v5/i_asked_my_brother_why_he_keeps_his_hair_long/
%
What do you call a person who is 6’ 10” tall, 300 lbs and goes both ways?

Bi and large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb810b/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_is_6_10_tall_300/
%
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb7zis/detective_im_gonna_need_an_interpreter_who_killed/
%
What's the worst way for a fruit farmer to die?

Berried alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb7vek/whats_the_worst_way_for_a_fruit_farmer_to_die/
%
I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me

But I never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb7qbo/i_ran_into_a_girl_at_a_vegan_restaurant_who_said/
%
I thought I had discovered a new color...

... but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb7pxd/i_thought_i_had_discovered_a_new_color/
%
What is the difference between a child and a prostitute?

You have to pay to fuck one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb7jn4/what_is_the_difference_between_a_child_and_a/
%
My name is Vincent

But you can call me Vin, you'll save a cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb7iar/my_name_is_vincent/
%
I like my women like I like my radioactive isotopes

Really hot and totally unstable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb7dgy/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_radioactive/
%
Electrician gets home late...

Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb7ddx/electrician_gets_home_late/
%
I phoned up my local yoga centre to book a lesson. They said, “how flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Thursdays.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb77eo/i_phoned_up_my_local_yoga_centre_to_book_a_lesson/
%
I will continue to be eternally grateful to Justin Timberlake for bringing sexy back

Everybody is still pretty mad at me for making it go away in the first place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb74gt/i_will_continue_to_be_eternally_grateful_to/
%
You know you shouldn't have bought that second-hand car when...

...the only thing that doesn't make noise, is the horn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb6vua/you_know_you_shouldnt_have_bought_that_secondhand/
%
A pirate walks into a bar... [Long]

A pirate walks into a bar.  He has two peg legs, two hooks for hands, and is wearing two eyepatches.  As he sits at the bar, one of the patrons turns to him and says, "Excuse me, I can't help but notice you have two peg legs.  How did that happen?"
The pirate responds, "Yarrr, matey.  I was adrift in a lifeboat off the coast of Zanzibar but a month ago. To pass the time, I be dangling me feet in the water, when all at once, a bloomin' great white shark severed me legs at the knees.  I was lucky to have an abundance of belts to make a pair of tourniquets with to survive until me crew found me."
"Ah, an unlucky day at sea," the patron responded.  "And, the hooks for hands?"
"A fortnight past, I was fighting one of the greatest sword fighters who ever lived.  He be a Spaniard and a bastard.  I might have taken him had I still had both me legs, footwork being so important to the art of fencing, but I lost the duel.  Rather than take me life, he took both me hands instead."
"How terrible of him," the patron said, waiting a moment to inquire further.  "And... what happened to your eyes?"
"That happened just outside this bar yesterday.  Looking up at the evening air, grateful to still be breathin' the fresh air, happy to so be shipping out soon with a fresh crew, despite me misfortunes... a seagull shat in both me eyes."  The pirate took a long drink from his flagon at this, seemingly done.
Confused, the patron asked, "Seagull droppings can destroy your eyes?"
"Well laddie, when you go to clean the shit out and forget you've got two hooks for hands..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb6ucn/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_long/
%
My friend the puppeteer got engaged.

He's going to marry Annette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb6oto/my_friend_the_puppeteer_got_engaged/
%
Christmas Eve, cop pulls over a man for speeding

Cop says "Listen, It's Christmas, I wanna end my shift and go home, and not have to do paper work.  If you can give me an excuse I've never heard before, I'll let you off".
Speeder thinks a minute, then replies "My wife left me for a cop,  and I was afraid he was you and you were bringing her back to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb6oep/christmas_eve_cop_pulls_over_a_man_for_speeding/
%
Dictatorship jokes aren’t funny.

Only one person gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb6n5h/dictatorship_jokes_arent_funny/
%
I tried cooking mac and cheese last week

The Apple Store are still refusing to fix my laptop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb6jvh/i_tried_cooking_mac_and_cheese_last_week/
%
What size shirts do psychics wear?

Medium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb6e26/what_size_shirts_do_psychics_wear/
%
I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb5sxp/i_used_to_be_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
%
Your honor, if you truly are what you eat

Then I am an innocent man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb5s1l/your_honor_if_you_truly_are_what_you_eat/
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A 95 year old man was founded not guilty of sexual assault...

He was however arraigned with charges of assault with a dead weapon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb5lzu/a_95_year_old_man_was_founded_not_guilty_of/
%
If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb5l04/if_light_travels_faster_than_the_speed_of_sound/
%
Wife: You'll never guess how many pounds I lost!

Me: Honey, we live in America, they're called dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb5jrk/wife_youll_never_guess_how_many_pounds_i_lost/
%
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Their number one answer was,
“HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb5eqk/i_asked_100_women_which_shampoo_they_preferred/
%
I can't believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician...

I was just sitting around doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb5ecs/i_cant_believe_i_got_arrested_for_impersonating_a/
%
A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.

The doctors saved his life, but he lost one eye. Before a nice glass one could be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.
Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses, "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds, "Big nose! Big nose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb59z0/a_very_handsome_man_gets_into_a_terrible_car/
%
What is it called when a short psychic escapes prison?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb5823/what_is_it_called_when_a_short_psychic_escapes/
%
What did the millennial get on his wedding day?

A participation trophy wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb57cn/what_did_the_millennial_get_on_his_wedding_day/
%
I rode my bike to the liquor store yesterday for a bottle of rum. As I put the rum in the basket, I realized if I fell over the bottle would break, so I drank the rum. On the way home, I fell down seven times.

Imagine what would have happened to the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb54dt/i_rode_my_bike_to_the_liquor_store_yesterday_for/
%
Change is hard.

Have you ever tried to bend a coin?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb51is/change_is_hard/
%
Three Italian nuns....

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Perly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and *poof!* she's gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and *poof!* she's gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Aluska Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Aluska Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Alaska Pipeline laid by 500 men in 6 months'! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb4qvn/three_italian_nuns/
%
What do you get when you spell ‘Man’ backwards?

Flashbacks.
I’m so, so sorry. The daddest joke I’ve heard from my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb4pf4/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
%
My grandfather adopted a legless dog and named him Cigarette.

And after a long day, he goes for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb4njk/my_grandfather_adopted_a_legless_dog_and_named/
%
A husband and wife are eating at Hooters for their 20th anniversary.

A busty gorgeous blond waitress comes up and asks them what they'd like to drink.
"Oh my god you are gorgeous." Said the husband with the intent of pissing his wife off.
His wife just shook her head and smiled.
"Why don't you introduce your wife to her you pig, or better yet, introduce her to your erectile dysfunction. "
The husband looks at the waitress who was now smiling nervously at them.
The husband looked at the waitress and pointed at his wife and said, "Ma'am I'd like to introduce you to my erectile dysfunction, my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb4lcy/a_husband_and_wife_are_eating_at_hooters_for/
%
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

For some reason, she was upset when I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb4gg5/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
%
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb4efe/judge_do_you_swear_to_tell_the_truth_the_whole/
%
What do you call a cross between a rooster and a rabbit?

A hop a doodle doo!
Courtesy of my 9yr old daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb4cir/what_do_you_call_a_cross_between_a_rooster_and_a/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

No idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb48vi/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
There are two sorts of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

"There are two sorts of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb45j5/there_are_two_sorts_of_people_those_who_say_there/
%
Did you hear about the golf player that got arrested for a DUI?

He should've picked a better driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb420p/did_you_hear_about_the_golf_player_that_got/
%
Last night I dreamt I was weightless

I was like 0mg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb3x9d/last_night_i_dreamt_i_was_weightless/
%
Why does everyone choose 'x' as the go-to alphabet in mathematics ?

Duh, Because its easy to x-plane
*Fckin kill me already*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb3wkn/why_does_everyone_choose_x_as_the_goto_alphabet/
%
Hey Mr!

1 - Looks like you've gained a little weight!  When's the last time you saw your penis?
2 - It's been a while
1 - Why don't you diet?
2 - Why?  What color is it now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb3vg0/hey_mr/
%
I was once a man trapped in a woman's body

Then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb3uzf/i_was_once_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
%
Did you hear about Gucci's new baby line of clothing?

It's called "Gucci Gucci Goo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb3lj3/did_you_hear_about_guccis_new_baby_line_of/
%
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.

He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb3gzz/so_my_twin_brother_just_called_me_from_prison/
%
Who is the Patron saint of email?

Saint Francis of a Cc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb3bwj/who_is_the_patron_saint_of_email/
%
A doctor pulls out his pad to write when he notices...

...that he’s holding a rectal thermometer. He thinks to himself, “Well, some asshole’s got my pen.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb3avt/a_doctor_pulls_out_his_pad_to_write_when_he/
%
I believe slaves should have gotten reparations 150 years ago. I don’t believe their descendants should get them.

That ship has sailed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb39v1/i_believe_slaves_should_have_gotten_reparations/
%
You have to be extremely careful around everyone nowadays

I was walking down the street yesterday and a guy walked towards me and pulled out scissors. I'm so very happy I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock. If I had pulled out paper, I would have lost!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb36bf/you_have_to_be_extremely_careful_around_everyone/
%
A few people were in a pool....

And suddenly the water got warmer. One person looked up and asked "is somebody peeing in here or is it just me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb34pd/a_few_people_were_in_a_pool/
%
A chemist walks into his pharmacy

and sees a man standing in the corner with his hand on his stomach. He asks his assistant what happened. "the man came in with a cough but since we were out of cough syrup I gave him a laxative" his assistant says. "you can't treat a cough with a laxative" the chemist says. "sure you can, see how scared he is to cough"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb2yof/a_chemist_walks_into_his_pharmacy/
%
Timmy and Johnny, ages 5 and 3, wake up one morning.

Timmy turns to Johnny and says "You know what Johnny, I think we're old enough to start swearing, lets try it out today".
They go downstairs and their mother says "It's time for breakfast, what would you like Timmy?".  Timmy thinks about it for a second and says "Shit, I guess I'll have some cheerios".  His mom smacks Timmy across the face so hard he flies off his chair, she sends him upstairs for a time out.
She turns angrily to Johnny and asks him what he wants.  Johnny thinks about it for a second, timidly looks up at his mom and says "Whatever you'd like to make mom, I sure as shit don't want cheerios".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb2x4f/timmy_and_johnny_ages_5_and_3_wake_up_one_morning/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb2wrq/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
A Florida state trooper pulls a car over and walks up to the passenger window.

A lady who appears to be in her 80s rolls down her window and the officer asks for her license and registration.
She opens the glove box and the officer sees a Glock in the glove box.  He asks her if she has any other weapons in the car.
She opens the center console and shows him another hand gun.  He asks if there are any other weapons in the car and she tells him she has another under her seat.
The officer says to the woman "Ma'am, that's a lot of firearms, do you mind if I ask what you're so afraid of?"
The old lady looks confidently at the officer and responds "Not a fucking thing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb2tj0/a_florida_state_trooper_pulls_a_car_over_and/
%
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man...

...my super power would be foiling crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb2rl2/if_i_could_be_any_super_hero_i_would_be_aluminum/
%
I got a lump of coal last Christmas...

Jokes on you Santa! I’m too poor to afford heating!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb2qhq/i_got_a_lump_of_coal_last_christmas/
%
What do lawyers like to put in their drinks?

Just ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb2pyv/what_do_lawyers_like_to_put_in_their_drinks/
%
Why can't Russia have a female president?

Because Putin is not a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb2opx/why_cant_russia_have_a_female_president/
%
Jim walked into a bar......

Jim, walked into a Bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender
”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”
The bartender complies to this by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and everyone else, their meals
Just as everybody finishes their food, Jim again yells
”Give me a bottle of Champagne and give everybody else a bottle of Johnny Walker Black,
cause  when I drink, I want everybody to drink!
Everyone is elated and cheers for Jim
When  Jim is done with his drink, he yells, yet again
"Bring everybody their bill, because when I pay mine, I want everyone else to pay theirs '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb2kom/jim_walked_into_a_bar/
%
When a woman buys a vibrator, it's cute naughty fun...

But when a man orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro  5000™ blowing latex doll with 6-speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with no-drip semen-collecting tray, together with optional built-in OrgasmScream™ 7.1 surround sound system, suddenly he's a pervert!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb2gqy/when_a_woman_buys_a_vibrator_its_cute_naughty_fun/
%
I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles

"What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?" I asked.
"I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."
"Oh. Makes seance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb2gf3/i_saw_my_roommate_carrying_a_crystal_ball_and/
%
My friend's new flame is in a wheelchair. Despite that he is madly in love and can't stop talking about her.

Personally i find her pretty lame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb2gey/my_friends_new_flame_is_in_a_wheelchair_despite/
%
Just heard about someone selling their “Gamer-Girl bathwater”...

Guess you could call that trickle down economics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb2feg/just_heard_about_someone_selling_their_gamergirl/
%
Doc I’m afraid of random letters

Doc: you are?
Me: *jumps out of seat
Doc: okay why?
Me: *opens door
Doc: you are a cutie. I envy you
Me: *dies of heart attack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb29tx/doc_im_afraid_of_random_letters/
%
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb22jo/the_dentist_said_that_he_could_knock_me_out_with/
%
A Doctor Over Hears...

A patient being rude to the staff after a short bit of time of yelling and cursing at them the patient enters the doctors office. Immediately complains to the doctor about a cold they have. The doctor simply asks for them to open the mouth. The patient does it irritatingly. The doctor put in the thermometer ask the patient to hold it in the mouth for a minute. After a few minutes of checking the patient. The doctor conferms that they do have a serious cold and recommends medicine and bed rest.
The patient immidetly begins once agian to complain this time towards the doctor.After a minute or so of insults the patient leaves.
A nurse walks in checking on the doctor to see if he is okay to find him smiling and happy as ever. The nurse it confused and asks why are you so happy doctor? That man was a real asshole.
The doctor responds yes he was thats why i used the correct thermometer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb21ce/a_doctor_over_hears/
%
My life in 9 words

I can't count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb1zin/my_life_in_9_words/
%
My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.

So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought... She couldn’t stand to leave me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb1x0z/my_girlfriend_said_that_it_wasnt_working_out/
%
Why do public servants avoid looking out the window before lunchtime?

So they'll have something to do in the afternoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb1wa1/why_do_public_servants_avoid_looking_out_the/
%
So the girl of my dreams doesn’t have the same affection that I have for her and that really sucks because I really liked her. Oh well. I guess I just have to move on and let her go

She’s been tied up in my basement long enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb1tm2/so_the_girl_of_my_dreams_doesnt_have_the_same/
%
If you don’t know what the cloning machine does

That makes two of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb1rr0/if_you_dont_know_what_the_cloning_machine_does/
%
My imaginary girlfriend broke up with me.

Still no idea how she found out about my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb1pdy/my_imaginary_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me/
%
How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb1p28/how_warm_is_a_janitors_closet/
%
Free Speech - West vs East

A Russian diplomat and an American diplomat are discussing the differences between their two systems.
The American tries to make it easy for the Russian to understand the concept of free speech.
"Anytime I want", says the Yank, "I can walk right up to the top of the steps at Capital Hill and yell, The President of America is a crook and a liar! and no one will try to stop me."
"Hah!, you are naive, my American friend."
"I, says the Russian, can climb the steps to the very doors of the Kremlin, pound on the doors, allow the Red Guards to surround me, and yell as loud as I can, "The President of America is a crook and a liar!" and no one will try to stop me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb1oee/free_speech_west_vs_east/
%
What's Jesus' favorite spice?

Sin o' man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb1mrd/whats_jesus_favorite_spice/
%
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant. “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly.” Replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful." Says the expert and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb1i7i/the_worlds_leading_expert_on_european_wasps_walks/
%
I touched my inner self today.

That was the last time I bought a 1ply toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb1g2r/i_touched_my_inner_self_today/
%
What do you call a married couple who both work in a dispensary?

A joint-income household

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb1f26/what_do_you_call_a_married_couple_who_both_work/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb138e/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
Not only bad at jokes, I’m also bad at titles

At the local butcher shop the was a challenge. The challenge was that if you could jump and touch on of the steaks on the ceiling, you would get twenty dollars. If you couldn’t, you would have to pay for one of the steaks. So a man named Jack came up to the challenge. As he was about to try he was starting to have second thoughts. The stakes were high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb12xx/not_only_bad_at_jokes_im_also_bad_at_titles/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Whatever you want; it aint commin to ya.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb12n7/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
This girl who is a total Beatles fanatic decides to get John Lennon and Paul McCartney tattooed onto her inner thighs.

She takes their pictures to the tattoo artist who says he can do a perfect job of reproducing their images in ink on her
inner thighs. Hours later, the job is done. The tattoo artist hands her a mirror, and she is shocked!
“That sucks...It doesn’t look anything like John or Paul!”
The tattoo artist is offended. “Of course it does. That looks just like them! Tell you what, ask the first person you see, and I’ll bet you $10 that they say they look just like John and Paul.”
She takes him up on it, but the place is empty and the first person she finds is an old wino sitting outside on the sidewalk. They call the wino inside. She sits in the chair, spreads her legs and points to the tattoos, “Does this look like John Lennon and Paul McCartney to you?”
The old wino squints, scratches his head, burps, and slurs, “Well, lady, I don’t know about John Lennon and Paul McCartney, but that guy in the middle looks just like Willie Nelson.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb11el/this_girl_who_is_a_total_beatles_fanatic_decides/
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Putin on a trip.

Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:
Agent: age?
Putin: 66
Agent: occupation?
Putin: not this time, just visiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb0v89/putin_on_a_trip/
%
A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on yout head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."
Son asks " what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?"
Father :" It's called a burkha , it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face and body during a sandstorm" .
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son…”
"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb0tnj/a_young_muslim_boy_asks_his_dad_what_are_you/
%
Jokes about communism aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb0szl/jokes_about_communism_arent_funny/
%
Unvaccinated Kid: *exists*

Mosquitoes: It's a me Malario

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb0nhq/unvaccinated_kid_exists/
%
Went for a prostate exam

I asked the doctor where should I put my pants and underwear, he replied, "over there, next to mine".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb0mlx/went_for_a_prostate_exam/
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How many passive-agressive people does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, but 2 would have been helpful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb0hkh/how_many_passiveagressive_people_does_it_take_to/
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I watched my first porn movie today

I can't believe how young I looked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb0gc3/i_watched_my_first_porn_movie_today/
%
A man walks into a bar.

There goes his dreams of winning the limbo competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb0dib/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.

“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb0cb7/a_man_had_been_drinking_at_a_bar_all_night_and/
%
.

so I noticed my wife had her sexy underwear on this can only mean one thing, shes behind on the fucking washing again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb0b2g/_/
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Teacher teacher ..[LONG]

TEACHER: What's wrong?
MUSA : Our house is very small.
MUSA: My mum,my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, Musa r u sleeping?' Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye"
TEACHER: Tonight when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet. don't answer.
The following morning Musa comes back with a severe black eye again.
TEACHER: My goodness why the black eye again?
MUSA: Dad asked me again, Musa are you sleeping? I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, u know, at the same time Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, R u coming? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, r u coming too? Dad answered:- Yes. They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming too ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb07at/teacher_teacher_long/
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What has 153 legs and stinks of piss?

A line dance at an old folks home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb06zq/what_has_153_legs_and_stinks_of_piss/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb06fy/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_pimp/
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More bad news for the coal industry

Hundreds of minors out of work since the arrest of Jeffery Epstein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cb01tb/more_bad_news_for_the_coal_industry/
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What do you call a nightclub for people in their 40s?

Midnight Crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cazzd4/what_do_you_call_a_nightclub_for_people_in_their/
%
Where did all the sperm whales come from?

Moby Dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cazv17/where_did_all_the_sperm_whales_come_from/
%
An interesting chat

Me : My wife has died, but tears are not coming out of my eyes.
My friend : No problem, just imagine she came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caznkq/an_interesting_chat/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cazkbk/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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Cake

Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away.
So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother’s girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! we’re making cake!” So Johnny leaves and goes to his room.
The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! How’d you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cazgsk/cake/
%
Just walked past our local Mosque and there’s loads of shoes outside.

I’m fucking sure they’ve got a bouncy castle in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caz2cw/just_walked_past_our_local_mosque_and_theres/
%
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.

Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caz1vr/when_i_was_younger_i_lived_in_a_houseboat_and/
%
A star walks into a black hole

But the star doesn't seem to be fazed.
The black hole says, "Sir, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cayxw2/a_star_walks_into_a_black_hole/
%
How did the mathematician solve his constipation problem?

He used a pencil and worked it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caysv6/how_did_the_mathematician_solve_his_constipation/
%
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi’ jam in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caypg2/how_does_bob_marley_like_his_doughnuts/
%
Why does the Avon lady walk funny?

Cause her lipstick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cayosn/why_does_the_avon_lady_walk_funny/
%
Arr! Billy! Ever had a parrot on your shoulder?

Billy: No, but I've had a Cockatoo in my mouth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caymr4/arr_billy_ever_had_a_parrot_on_your_shoulder/
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I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace

The situation changes however, when I run out of children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cayjzo/i_have_come_up_with_a_strategy_to_keep_my_kids/
%
i'm half indian and half saudi arabian

so i get my 9/11 at the 7/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cayaoy/im_half_indian_and_half_saudi_arabian/
%
A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cay6j2/a_dark_skinned_lady_named_betty_goes_to_the/
%
Most guys use size of their balls to validate their manhood

But for me it’s all about quantity over quality. The third one makes up what the other two lack in size

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cay42z/most_guys_use_size_of_their_balls_to_validate/
%
Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I have a stalker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cay2jr/someone_keeps_sending_me_flowers_with_the_heads/
%
They say the Soviet Union had the best Bread!

It was so good, people waited on line for hours to get some.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cay06q/they_say_the_soviet_union_had_the_best_bread/
%
A mugger points a gun at a man

Mugger: Give me all your money!!
Man: Wait I’m a U.S Congress man!!!
Mugger: Oh, umm in that case give me my money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caxtq9/a_mugger_points_a_gun_at_a_man/
%
I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her "You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment."

She chose the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caxm70/i_dated_a_girl_who_was_obsessed_with_carpentry_i/
%
What do Jeffrey Epstein's testicles look like?

Silly question, even a child knows that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caxkpu/what_do_jeffrey_epsteins_testicles_look_like/
%
So I was playing this game with my grandmother...

It's a game where there's a category and you have to name 5 things from that category.
We get to "Famous People Over 6 feet Tall", and I quickly name off a few lanky celebrities.
Then "Characters on The Brady Bunch", and she nails it.
Finally, "Primitive Tools". I was thinking... and said "Spears... stone hammers... bow and arrow... tomahawk... shoot, just 1 more. Wait! Follow me."
So I escorted my grandmother to show her in person the last primitive tool.
"I didn't know they had mirrors back then!" she said.
"They didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caxj26/so_i_was_playing_this_game_with_my_grandmother/
%
Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him..

His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?"
Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caxg0p/sean_connery_was_arranging_the_books_in_his/
%
my son's math teacher called him average.

i think he's mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caxc66/my_sons_math_teacher_called_him_average/
%
Trees don't register,

They *log* in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caxbjt/trees_dont_register/
%
What's the difference between Epstein and a priest?

Epstein gives better tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caxarx/whats_the_difference_between_epstein_and_a_priest/
%
What’s the difference between a nun and a girl in a bath

One has hope in her soul and the other has soap in her hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cax9kp/whats_the_difference_between_a_nun_and_a_girl_in/
%
What’s the difference between a beer barrel and a dog with no back legs

One has beery walls
And the other has weery balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cax8vx/whats_the_difference_between_a_beer_barrel_and_a/
%
Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cax2ry/why_dont_chinese_kids_believe_in_santa_claus/
%
How many dicks can a bird take at the same time?

A Cockatoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cax20m/how_many_dicks_can_a_bird_take_at_the_same_time/
%
Out of 10, How much do you love Harry Potter?

About 9 3/4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cax0mm/out_of_10_how_much_do_you_love_harry_potter/
%
What do you call a bathing slut?

ShowerThot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cawynr/what_do_you_call_a_bathing_slut/
%
A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom.

He waits in a very long line to get prom tickets.
He then proceeds to rent a limousine, where the line is long as well.
The guy heads to the florist, where he stands in line for over an hour to buy flowers.
Once they arrive at prom, his girlfriend asks him to get punch, which he does quickly because there is no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cawyj7/a_guy_is_taking_his_girlfriend_to_prom/
%
How does a kings son listen to music?

Heirpods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cawuno/how_does_a_kings_son_listen_to_music/
%
Today I called my doctor's office asking for an appointment. She said, "how about 10 tomorrow?"

I said, "No I don't  need that many."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cawum0/today_i_called_my_doctors_office_asking_for_an/
%
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can just wash her crack and resell it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cawr40/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
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Why did the hindu comedian stop telling jokes on reddit?

Bad karma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cawqli/why_did_the_hindu_comedian_stop_telling_jokes_on/
%
My 4.5 year old made up his first joke today. What do you call a girl who delivers things?

Dolivia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cawo7g/my_45_year_old_made_up_his_first_joke_today_what/
%
Why did people call him Lord Vader?

Because Master Vader didn't sound quite right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cawk1i/why_did_people_call_him_lord_vader/
%
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cawhw7/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
%
I asked Sean Connery, "What sport will you be playing tomorrow and when?"

He replied, "Ten(n)-ish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cawf7m/i_asked_sean_connery_what_sport_will_you_be/
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The Duck

Chuck was a teenager, and still a virgin.  His dad didn't want him to go to college without having slept with a woman, so on Chuck's 18th birthday, he sends Chuck to the local whorehouse.  Times were tough, so he only could give Chuck a dollar.
The prostitutes took pity on Chuck.  He gave one his dollar and they went into a room.
Somehow, Chuck was the greatest lay the prostitute had ever had.  Passionate, caring, and a sizable package.  When they were finished, she told Chuck to take a duck that she had so he could cook it for dinner.
On his way home, the duck escaped Chuck's hands and flew into the road, where it was promptly hit by a passing truck.  The driver was apologetic,  and gave our hero $25 as compensation for losing a nice dinner.
When Chuck got back home, he had a giant smile on his face.  His father, kind of in shock, asks him how it went, as a dollar barely gets you a halfhearted handjob.  So he says, "How'd it go?"
Chuck replied, "well, I got a fuck for a buck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 bucks for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caw9mw/the_duck/
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Why do golfers always bring a spare pair of pants?

They always get a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caw3l1/why_do_golfers_always_bring_a_spare_pair_of_pants/
%
Why does Jeffrey Epstein only date 23 year olds

Because there's 20 of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caw1nv/why_does_jeffrey_epstein_only_date_23_year_olds/
%
Plethora ..

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caw0nh/plethora/
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A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cavywf/a_blonde_is_overweight_so_her_doctor_puts_her_on/
%
A cowboy had spent many days crossing the Montana prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie, 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy, 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and
drink.'
--POOF--
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich...beyond my wildest dreams.'
--POOF--
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
-- POOF --
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:  If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cavqdf/a_cowboy_had_spent_many_days_crossing_the_montana/
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This child was having diarrhea and asked his mom for some viagra

Mom asks "What? Why would you want to take Viagra?" Her son says "Because daddy says it makes his shit hard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cavlps/this_child_was_having_diarrhea_and_asked_his_mom/
%
A man walks into a therapist's office wearing nothing except Saran Wrap

The therapist says, "clearly I can see your nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caviu9/a_man_walks_into_a_therapists_office_wearing/
%
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cavdmp/they_say_that_christmas_is_a_pagan_holiday_but/
%
A cop lies in wait as a group leaves a bar

Finally closing time, he dims his lights and waits for the group to get in their vehicles.
As the people get to their cars, the first car to leave the parking lot swerves a bit, pops the curb slightly, continues on and gets back on the road and makes a slow start to head home. Seeing this, the cop turns on his lights and is in pursuit. As he pulls up behind him, the man pulls over and begins to go for his liscence and registration.
As the officer walks up and takes the man's info, he asks, "Been drinking a bit tonight have we?"
"No sir."
"Okay don't lie to me son, I saw how you exited the parking lot, you were all over the road!"
"To be fair, sir, it's narrow and it caught me off guard, besides, I can't drink tonight."
"Still gotta breathalyze you, and do the routine stuff, so stop out of the car."
The man blows 0.0 and passes all the officers tests.
"I don't understand,"the officer exclaims, " this doesn't make any sense."
"I told you, I can't drink, I'm the DD tonight."
"Sir, it's just you in the car, you must be delusional in that case."
"No, I'm just the designated decoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cavd17/a_cop_lies_in_wait_as_a_group_leaves_a_bar/
%
People turn into their pets

That’s why your mom’s such a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cav6or/people_turn_into_their_pets/
%
Why do white girls only travel in odd numbered groups?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cav5oj/why_do_white_girls_only_travel_in_odd_numbered/
%
A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.
Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outside the throne room. One villager goes in at a time.
The first one has a cucumber, the king says he has had it before and orders the guards to stick that thing in whole. As the guards are doing the king's bidding, the poor villager is crying and laughing simultaneously.
This perplexes the king, who asks "Commoner, why are you laughing and crying?"
The villager responds, "I am crying because it hurts and laughing because the guy behind me brought watermelons".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cav3i1/a_vegan_king_is_fed_up_of_all_the_greens_he_has/
%
Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”

Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cav1tt/teacher_who_do_you_think_invented_dancing_children/
%
"My boyfriend was slept with by you!" I heard one girl shout at another in the mall.

"Your reputation will be ruined by this! YOU'RE GONNA BE KILLED BY ME!!"
"Why is she talking like that?" I asked my friend.
"Oh, don't mind her," he said. "She's just really passive aggressive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caux5l/my_boyfriend_was_slept_with_by_you_i_heard_one/
%
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk
Note: my friend told me this, I don’t know if it has been posted here before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caux3c/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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The company I work in is pretty transparent

In 3 month, there's about 4 cases of people running into the glass door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cauw02/the_company_i_work_in_is_pretty_transparent/
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What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don’t look, I’m changing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cautgo/what_did_the_traffic_light_say_to_the_car/
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It’s not about how many times you fall down. It’s how many times you get up!

The police said, “Sir, this is a field sobriety test!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cauq4h/its_not_about_how_many_times_you_fall_down_its/
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Did you guys hear about the banana that acted as a getaway driver?

He peeled out and split.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cauouo/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_banana_that_acted_as/
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America hasn’t fully adopted the metric system yet…

… but believe me, we’re slowly inching towards it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caujm8/america_hasnt_fully_adopted_the_metric_system_yet/
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This is rediculous, it's July 8th and people are still shooting fireworks off.

It almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cauji4/this_is_rediculous_its_july_8th_and_people_are/
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What's the most environmentally friendly sub on Reddit?

r/Jokes, because 95% are recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caugt6/whats_the_most_environmentally_friendly_sub_on/
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Eric Swalwell has become the first Democratic candidate to withdraw his bid for POTUS

I guess he passed the torch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caugbc/eric_swalwell_has_become_the_first_democratic/
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Why did the man drink the poison?

Because he couldn't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cauaqg/why_did_the_man_drink_the_poison/
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I had a good joke about the Ozone Layer.

[depleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cauahd/i_had_a_good_joke_about_the_ozone_layer/
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Eating pussy is like working for the Mafia.

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cau3sm/eating_pussy_is_like_working_for_the_mafia/
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Everything was great until gravity was invented.

Things went downhill after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cau3jd/everything_was_great_until_gravity_was_invented/
%
Why did the circle hate geometry?

Because it's pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cau2x2/why_did_the_circle_hate_geometry/
%
What brings out your inner child?

An abortion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cau22r/what_brings_out_your_inner_child/
%
I’ve recently had a fear of elevators

I’ve been taking steps to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/catzg6/ive_recently_had_a_fear_of_elevators/
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I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, What am i?

Ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/catyoo/i_have_six_eyes_two_mouths_and_three_ears_what_am/
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I once worked as a trapeze artist

But sadly I was let go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/catx8r/i_once_worked_as_a_trapeze_artist/
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An old man...

Was going down to an old 'Vette dealership. His whole life he had wanted an old Corvette Convertible and he has just enough money afterwards for a full tank of gas. So he starts driving and hes going the speed limit.
"Man this feels great!" So he give it a little more.
"This is amazing!" So he pumps up amd hes going about 80 MPH.
A few seconds and he sees the lights flashing on an old state trooper car so he thinks..
"Why the he'll not?" And slams his foot down and starts going 100mph.
"What am I doing?" He eventually thinks and pulls over.
The state trooper says "sir its your lucky day! My shift is just about over and I'm about to change out. If you can give me an excuse for why you were going 100mph down a freeway that ive never heard before, I'll let you go free. No ticket."
"Well," the man says,"My wife ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were bringing her back."
The state trooper says "Have a nice day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/catrm6/an_old_man/
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I walked out my my cabin to find a beaver chewing on my favorite tree.

So I says to him "Will you stop doing that, Mr. Beaver?"
Him "Gnaw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/catqj7/i_walked_out_my_my_cabin_to_find_a_beaver_chewing/
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Did you know pigeons die after having sex?

Well, at least the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/catmfo/did_you_know_pigeons_die_after_having_sex/
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I met a dyslexic girl that told me she was into poetry.

She made me the nicest clay flower pot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cathmj/i_met_a_dyslexic_girl_that_told_me_she_was_into/
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A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand

And says, "make me one with everything".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cathbn/a_buddhist_walks_up_to_a_hotdog_stand/
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Little Johnny learns a lesson about karma...

Little Johnny finds out the neighbors dog had puppies so he goes over to play with them. Being a little boy he starts getting too rough.
The neighbor says, "be nice Johnny or karma will get you."
Johnny plays nice for a bit but starts getting rough again.
The neighbor says, "be nice Johnny or karma will get you."
Johnny again plays nice for a bit but starts getting rough again.
Suddenly the Mom comes running over and nips little Johnny.
The neighbor says, "what did you learn Johnny?"
And little Johnny shouts, "Karma's a bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/catck5/little_johnny_learns_a_lesson_about_karma/
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What happen to the wooden car, with wooden wheels and a wooden engine?

It wooden go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/catbpx/what_happen_to_the_wooden_car_with_wooden_wheels/
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Why are hamsters like cigarettes?

They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/catagq/why_are_hamsters_like_cigarettes/
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What do you call a father without a car?

The walking dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cat9vu/what_do_you_call_a_father_without_a_car/
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I have a dog with no legs.

I call him Cigarette because every evening when I get home from work I take him for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cat65y/i_have_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Just before he died, we covered my grandad's back with grease.

After that he went down hill very quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cat5le/just_before_he_died_we_covered_my_grandads_back/
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Whatchya call a chick that don't suck dick?

Ya dont

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cat2zi/whatchya_call_a_chick_that_dont_suck_dick/
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What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I’ve never had a Garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cat2rt/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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Why can't orphans play baseball?

They've never known what home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cat0uq/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/casyh0/facebook_is_set_to_release_its_own_webmail_client/
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Hey ladies, you know the difference between me and my couch?

The couch can support a family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/casx0b/hey_ladies_you_know_the_difference_between_me_and/
%
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cassmb/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
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How do mountains see?

They peak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/casr7q/how_do_mountains_see/
%
My uncle has diabetes and alzheimers

I asked him where his feet were and he was stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caspn5/my_uncle_has_diabetes_and_alzheimers/
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What school did my drug dealer go to?

High school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caspic/what_school_did_my_drug_dealer_go_to/
%
Two german tourists come to spain for holiday. One day they get to know two really hot...

... spanish girls at the beach and after some sweet-talk the girls invite them to a party in the evening the same day.
The guys rush to the next pharmacy to buy some condoms but they don't know a single word in spanish so one of the germans improvises: he puts 5€ on the counter and slams his penis right next to the money on the counter.
The other german thinks this is a good idea to get what they want but he realizes his penis is bigger then the penis of his friend so he puts 10€ on the counter and also takes out his penis hoping for the condoms.
The spanish guy working at the pharmacy doesn't get it and looks at their dicks for some time without a clue what to do when suddenly he gets an idea: he puts 15€ on the table, places his dick right next to the money, sees that he has the largest penis, yells "winner" in spanish and takes the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/casnx1/two_german_tourists_come_to_spain_for_holiday_one/
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What's the most expensive food in the world?

Wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/casksb/whats_the_most_expensive_food_in_the_world/
%
I used to cut viagra with soap powder.

Just wanted to cum clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/casarz/i_used_to_cut_viagra_with_soap_powder/
%
What did the llama say at 420

Alpaca bowl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cas5jm/what_did_the_llama_say_at_420/
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People treat me like a god

They completely ignore my existence until they need something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cas3y9/people_treat_me_like_a_god/
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What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?

The front row at a Trump rally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cas24b/what_has_50_pairs_of_eyes_but_only_three_teeth/
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Invention of the shovel

The invention of the shovel must have been groundbreaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cas22l/invention_of_the_shovel/
%
I used to be addicted to soap

I'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cas1gc/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/carzhf/two_rival_tailors_had_a_competition_to_see_who/
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention,

so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caruzx/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class_and_she_sees_that/
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Two boll weevils grew up in the cotton fields of South Carolina,One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other was content to stay begind in the cotton fields.

The second, naturally, became the lesser of two weevils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caru7x/two_boll_weevils_grew_up_in_the_cotton_fields_of/
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What's a Muslims favorite answer on a multiple choice exam?

D) Allah the above

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/carl92/whats_a_muslims_favorite_answer_on_a_multiple/
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Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/carjzo/dude_1_bro_can_you_pass_me_that_pamphlet/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/carf76/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Why does the doctor make you turn your head and cough?

So you don't cough on the doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/car2nq/why_does_the_doctor_make_you_turn_your_head_and/
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In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than from a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/car1ha/in_canada_you_are_more_likely_to_die_of_a_kick_of/
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A recently employed man doesn’t go to his new job without explaining why.

His boss calls him and asks, “Do you hate your job?”
The man replies, “No sir, I love it!”
“So why don’t you ever show up?”
“Well, I was told when you love your job, you never have to work a day in your life.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caqztd/a_recently_employed_man_doesnt_go_to_his_new_job/
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The son speaks to his dad

Son: Dad, I've got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married for 25 years.
Dad: Maybe next time you will get a speaking part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caqzq9/the_son_speaks_to_his_dad/
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A robber walks into a bank.

He proceeds to take all the money and on his way out, stops and turns to a customer lying in the floor.
"Did you see me rob this bank?" asks the robber.
"Yes, sir." Replies the man, to which the robber shoots him.
The robber turns to another man and asks again, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
"No, I didn't, but my wife here saw everything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caqwh5/a_robber_walks_into_a_bank/
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Two years ago I asked the love of my life out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said "no" both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caqwgu/two_years_ago_i_asked_the_love_of_my_life_out_on/
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A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caquar/a_horse_a_chicken_a_harley/
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A husband and wife were having dinner...

...at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?"
The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress."
The wife angrily says, "Well, that's the last straw, I've had enough, and I want a divorce."
He replies, "I can understand that but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Rolls Royce’s and Ferrari's in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm and the wife asks, "Who's that woman with Jim?"
The husband tells her, "That's his mistress."
The wife says, "Well, ours is prettier."…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caqmsr/a_husband_and_wife_were_having_dinner/
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A nice, calm and respectable looking lady...

...went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said "I would like to buy some Cyanide."
The pharmacist asked "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and says "Well, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caqlf6/a_nice_calm_and_respectable_looking_lady/
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You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name...

...and you've never been to that bar before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caq63r/you_know_you_have_a_drinking_problem_when_the/
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What did the man say after eating a frozen pizza?

That wasn't well thawed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caq2ob/what_did_the_man_say_after_eating_a_frozen_pizza/
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Off to work

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/capv9x/off_to_work/
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A doctor, an accountant and an attorney all go to a funeral

At the funeral they see people putting money in the casket. So when the doctor steps up, he pulls out $100 and puts it in. Then the accountant steps up, and he puts in $100 as well. The lawyer steps up, pockets the $200 the two men previously deposited, and writes the dead man a check for $300.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caprp3/a_doctor_an_accountant_and_an_attorney_all_go_to/
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A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/capps3/a_sketchy_guy_just_came_into_my_shop_and_bought/
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Being Vegan is a lot like having a bondage fetish

If your girlfriend is into it, you basically also have to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/capkye/being_vegan_is_a_lot_like_having_a_bondage_fetish/
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What did the lesbian Vampire say to the other lesbian Vampire?

I'll see you again next month!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/capbuj/what_did_the_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
%
What happens if the infinity glove gets rusty?

You get tethanos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cap7x8/what_happens_if_the_infinity_glove_gets_rusty/
%
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground....

....Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."  Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caotzz/finding_one_of_her_students_making_faces_at/
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RIP boiled water.

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caolnd/rip_boiled_water/
%
Two men go for a run with their dogs.

They jog around the park for nearly an hour before one of the guys asks his friend if he wants to get a drink. The other guy says yes, so they jog to a small pub not far from the park. Unfortunately, there is a “no dogs” sign posted on the door.
“Don’t worry,” one of the guys says, “follow my lead.”
He walks into the pub and one of the waiters says, “sorry sir, no dogs allowed.”
“This is my sight dog. I’m blind.” He rummages through his bag, “I should have his certification somewhere.”
“No worries sir, we believe you. You and your shepherd can go inside.”
So, he sits down at a table and waits for the other guy to enter. The waiter says the same thing to him. “Sorry sir. No dogs allowed.”
“This is my guide dog. I’m blind,” he echoes his friend.
“This is your guide dog?”
“Yes.”
“Your guide dog is a chihuahua?”
“What?!” the guy cries out, “they gave me a chihuahua?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caol52/two_men_go_for_a_run_with_their_dogs/
%
A soldier ran up to a nun.....

....and out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caoivq/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
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A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.....

.....The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days.  A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died." Joe replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I've spent it already." Joe said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with it?" Joe said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't flog a dead horse!" Joe said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?" Joe said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 a piece and made a profit of £2495." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Joe said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caoe3e/a_young_man_named_joe_bought_a_horse_from_a/
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I swallowed a bottle of food colouring...

...and I felt like I dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cao2pv/i_swallowed_a_bottle_of_food_colouring/
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Having trouble with their sex life, a married couple sees a counselor.

"What's the issue?" The counselor asks the couple. They say they're just not enjoying each other like they used to and are at a loss for what to do next.
After a thorough physical examination of the couple, the counselor has an idea. "Try this," said the counselor. "On your way home, go to the store and buy some donuts and some grapes. Sit across the floor from one another. Sir, you'll roll grapes across the floor until you sink the putt, ma'am you'll toss donuts until you get a ringer!"
The couple later enjoys the best sex of their lives. Days afterwards, the man is bragging to his friends and one pulls him aside and asks for the counselor's number so he and his wife can make an appointment.
"What's the issue?" The counselor asks the couple. They say they're just not enjoying each other and neither of them has ever felt satisfied.
After a thorough physical examination of the couple, the counselor has an idea. "Try this," said the counselor. "On your way home, go to the store and buy some grapefruits and a box of Cheerios."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cao2k1/having_trouble_with_their_sex_life_a_married/
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Who is the patron saint of emails?

St Francis of a CC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cao05h/who_is_the_patron_saint_of_emails/
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If Bruce Willis was killed by a prostitute...

Would he Die Hard?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/canwn2/if_bruce_willis_was_killed_by_a_prostitute/
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A reverend gets pulled over...

The Police Officer asks, "Father, have you been drinking?"
The Reverend responds, "Only water, Officer."
The Police Officer replies, "Why do you smell like wine then?"
The Reverend suddenly yells, "Jesus, he's done it again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/canu0l/a_reverend_gets_pulled_over/
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let’s go for a bike ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/canrrt/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?

When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cannjf/whats_the_difference_between_running_in_front_of/
%
A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cank25/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke up Watson and said, "look up, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes asked,  "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied, "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
and Holmes said, "Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
P.S I stole this from tumblr like a degenerate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cani0a/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_were_going_camping/
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What time did the man go to the dentist?

Tooth hurt-y!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/can907/what_time_did_the_man_go_to_the_dentist/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer.
The barman says "You're all idiots" and pours two beers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/can6ty/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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Barhopper

A Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, you know we have a drink named after you?"
Grasshopper responds "You have a drink named Steve?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/can6bt/barhopper/
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Solar Panel: Hey wind turbine, what's your favorite kind of music?

Wind Turbine: I'm a big metal fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/can5gs/solar_panel_hey_wind_turbine_whats_your_favorite/
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Some people have difficulties sleeping.

But I can do it with my eyes closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/can57f/some_people_have_difficulties_sleeping/
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One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.

One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag.
A policeman saw this and he stopped her.
Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills
Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills )
Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal?
Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see,  what happened was,  my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole.
One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off!
This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer.
Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag?
Old lady: Well not all of them pay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/can49k/one_day_an_old_woman_was_walking_with_two_big/
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First woman on the moon:

“Houston, we have a problem.”
What?
“Never mind”
What’s the problem?
“Nothing”
Please tell us?
“You know what the problem is.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/can3r4/first_woman_on_the_moon/
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Why does the keyboard work 24/7?

Because it has 2 shifts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/can1f2/why_does_the_keyboard_work_247/
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A public school teacher was arrested today

at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
...Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/camz2r/a_public_school_teacher_was_arrested_today/
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What does a pulley like the best about its position?

Being the center of a tension.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/camyjl/what_does_a_pulley_like_the_best_about_its/
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I asked my bitcoin investing friend...

... can you give me $10.00 worth of bitcoin?
My friend: why do you need $9.53 worth of bitcoin, what will you do with $10.46 worth of bitcoin?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/camrr5/i_asked_my_bitcoin_investing_friend/
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You're gonna ask me why i have a sheep's skull on my bathroom scale, arent you?

Weigh a head of ewe there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/camr3p/youre_gonna_ask_me_why_i_have_a_sheeps_skull_on/
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My pregnant wife starting feeling claustrophobic at night.

She was running out of womb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/camqiq/my_pregnant_wife_starting_feeling_claustrophobic/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/camorm/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Horses are the most negative animals out there

They are always such naysayers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caml4s/horses_are_the_most_negative_animals_out_there/
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I just broke up with my vampire girlfriend...

She sucked the life out of me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/camh9c/i_just_broke_up_with_my_vampire_girlfriend/
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Why do elephants have 4 feet?

Because 6 inches would look ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/camgjo/why_do_elephants_have_4_feet/
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A man is walking down the beach,

When he sees a woman with no arms and legs; as he gets closer he can hear her gently sobbing.
"What's wrong ma'am?" He inquired earnestly.
"Well you see, I was born like this, and because of it I've never gotten close to a man, I've never even hugged one."
The man contemplates this for a second before shrugging. 'What the hell.' He thinks to himself, so without saying a word he picks her up and gives her a great big hug, and then gently sets her down.
"There, I hope that makes your day at least a little bit better." He says, before starting to walk away.
However he only gets about 5 feet away before he can hear her start to cry again.
"Aw, now what's wrong darling?" He asks
"Well, since I had never hugged a man, obviously I've never been kissed either.." she answered sheepishly.
The man thinks for a moment again, before again coming to the conclusion that why not? So this time he walks up to her and stoops down, puts his hand on her cheek and gives her a deep and passionate kiss. He then stands back up and takes a step back.
" Alright, well I've really got to be going now, but again, I hope that helps" he said as he again started to walk away.
This time he gets about ten feet away before he hears her crying again, this time quite loudly. The man sighs to himself, getting quite annoyed, but not wanting to see a woman cry, he turns around again.
"Now what's wrong??" He says, barely keeping his voice civil.
"Well since I'd never even been kissed, obviously no one has ever wanted to make love to me." She replied, tears still streaming down her face.
This caused the man to really think, he barely knew this woman, and he was definitely going to be late if he gave in to this latest request. However he couldn't stand to see her so sad, so finally he walked over to her and picked her up.
"Dont worry honey, I'll take care of you" he said with a wink.
So the man took her out into the water, going just deep enough for the ocean to help make her buoyant. He looked deeply into her eyes kissed her again and said:
"Baby, I know you want me to make love to you.." he whispered to her.
Suddenly the man shoved her away, further into the water.
"Well you're fucked now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/camgd7/a_man_is_walking_down_the_beach/
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He refused to act like a bird.

I pointed my gun at him and insisted.
But he was unflappable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/camax9/he_refused_to_act_like_a_bird/
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Why did the slave go to college?

So he could pick up his Master's degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cam9zr/why_did_the_slave_go_to_college/
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The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity.

"It's because I gave up sex," he said.
"When did you give up sex?" asked the reporter.
"Just about fifteen years ago."
"I see," said the reporter.  "And why did you give up sex?"
"I had to.  I like older women and there weren't any more left!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cam9qs/the_107yearold_man_was_asked_by_a_television_crew/
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What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?

A receding airline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cam6n7/what_do_you_call_an_airplane_that_flies_backwards/
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Why can't 2 chinese parents have a white kid?

Because 2 wongs can't make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cam68c/why_cant_2_chinese_parents_have_a_white_kid/
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Labial Nip and Tuck

A woman plans a labial nip and tuck surgery to reduce the size of her labia.
The surgery goes perfectly, and when she awakes after her surgery, she sees two large vases of beautiful flowers in her room.
She looks at the card from the first set of flowers. It reads:
“Dear Gina, Congratulations on your successful surgery . Everything went very well! With best wishes from the Surgical Staff at Mercy Central.”
She looks at the card from the second set of flowers. It reads:
“Thanks for the new ears!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cam4ho/labial_nip_and_tuck/
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Who was the smartest of all the Spanish conquistadors?

Cerebral Cortez

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cam2ve/who_was_the_smartest_of_all_the_spanish/
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You should never have a tennis player as a girlfriend

Because love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cam24z/you_should_never_have_a_tennis_player_as_a/
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Pixar finally made a movie for kids with cancer

It’s called Finding Chemo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cam0wx/pixar_finally_made_a_movie_for_kids_with_cancer/
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What did theta say to eight?

Your belt is way too tight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/calzh4/what_did_theta_say_to_eight/
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I hate these double standards. When a singer says “touch my body” it’s okay...

...but when I say it I’m “Not allowed back in Disney World”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/calwuh/i_hate_these_double_standards_when_a_singer_says/
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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.
As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet person laying there.
"Hey, buddy!" The guy sat up and looked as wet and cold as he was drunk. "Hey fella, get outta the rain and on the bus."
"I can't", mumbled the drunk, "I don't haff any money."
"Nevermind that, get on the bus", said the driver kindly. So the drunk staggers up the steps and plonks down in the seat across from the driver. He looked so bedraggled and sad that the driver wanted to make him feel at least a little bit happier.
So he says to the drunk, "Hey, buddy, hey watch this!"
He stops the bus and a sour-looking older woman gets on, shaking her umbrella. She deposits her fare, and as she goes past the driver, he says, "Tickle your c#nt with a feather?"
The woman wheels around, "What did you say?!!"
The driver answers, "Typical country weather....Don't you agree?"
The woman is red-faced and embarrassed at what she thought she heard and mumbles yes, she agrees and sits herself well down the back.
The drunk is smiling a bit, so the driver knows its having a positive effect. "Watch this one", he says.
Sure enough, at the next stop another woman gets on. She looks like she's never cracked a smile in her life. As she drops in her fare and starts to move past the driver, he mumbles, "Tickle your snatch with a feather?"
The woman gasps and says,"I beg your pardon?!!"
To which the driver answers, "I said typical nasty weather."
The woman is completely shaken and apologises and agrees, yes the weather is atrocious. Then hurries to her seat.
Now the drunk is chuckling quite freely.
The driver leans over and says to the drunk, "Why don't you do the next one?"
The drunk shakes his head, "No, I'm too dr-dr-drunk." "Nah", says the driver, "you do this one."
So as the bus stops, the drunk pulls himself up straight in the seat, smooths his clothes out and stares straight ahead. His face is a study in concentration. As the lady pays her fare and begins to pass by the drunk, he says in a clear, strong voice, "SCRATCH YER C#NT WITH A STICK?"
The woman, absolutely shocked, turns to the drunk and says, "WHAT did you say to me?!!"
"F#ckin' cold, eh?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/calwge/a_long_one_but_worth_it_one_wet_cold_morning/
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If you pour salt on a cat's tail, it'll fall off.

If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/calqn9/if_you_pour_salt_on_a_cats_tail_itll_fall_off/
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Why can't you hear jokes about EA?

Because you'll have to pay $4.99 for the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cale1m/why_cant_you_hear_jokes_about_ea/
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A married couple goes to the fair...

The couple is in their 40's and haven't been in about 20 years, since before they got married. The husband sees a sign that reads "Helicopter Rides: $50". He then turns to his wife and says, "Ethel, let's ride the helicopter. I've always wanted to ride a helicopter, I think it'd be romantic. We can see the city in a way we've never seen before." Ethel says, "No, the ride is $50, and $50 is $50."
So they leave, and come back about 20 years later, now the couple is in their 60's. Again, the husband sees the helicopter and the sign, still $50. "Come on Ethel, we didn't do it the last time we were here, let's do it now." "No, it's still $50, and $50 is $50."
So once again they leave without riding the helicopter. They come back again in another 20 years. They're 80 now, the husband sees the same sign. He begs his wife, "Ethel please, I've waited my whole life to ride that helicopter. We're never going to get another chance, can we please just ride the helicopter?" Again, the wife says "No, $50 is $50." The helicopter pilot was in earshot this time and says to the couple, "I couodn't help but overhear you two. I'll take you on the helicopter ride for free, but if you make a sound, or say anything, you have to pay the $50." The couple agrees.
The pilot is trying to pull a fast one on the couple, he wants to get paid. So he's doing all kinds of tricks, all these flips and barrel rolls and all kinds of crazy stuff to get them to scream and speak up. Nothing from the couple. Not a word was said, no screaming, nothing. The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "That was amazing, I didn't hear anything from you two, how'd you do it?"
The husband replies, "Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out, but $50 is $50."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/calcft/a_married_couple_goes_to_the_fair/
%
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did  you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and  it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his  wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down,  and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you  should be ashamed of yourself!
The man does as he is told, gets  dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the  dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/calb7a/a_man_and_his_wife_were_awakened_at_300_am_by_a/
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Working in a mirror factory is something...

I can totally see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cal24r/working_in_a_mirror_factory_is_something/
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The British just aren't good at menstruation jokes.

Full stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cakwox/the_british_just_arent_good_at_menstruation_jokes/
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cakviw/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cakuu6/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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A sad piece of paper goes to a therapist

Therapist: "Tell me where it all started."
Paper: \**tears\**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caktar/a_sad_piece_of_paper_goes_to_a_therapist/
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A frog goes into a bank

He hops up on the desk of the loan officer.
''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?'
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cakt2c/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that called me unattractive...

...they would evevntually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cakla7/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_called_me/
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I had a trans friend

She transitioned from male to female. She took a big risk and went on a trip to a country where being trans is a crime. She looked like a woman but had a rather deep voice, but she was good at disguising it and was careful to do so during the trip. Unfortunately someone told her an offensive joke and she lost control completely. She went to jail for manslaughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caki7b/i_had_a_trans_friend/
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Why are relationships like algebra?

Ever thought about your 'x' and ask 'y'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cakhpm/why_are_relationships_like_algebra/
%
eBay is so useless..

I tried to find a lighter and they had only 45324 matches...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cakerk/ebay_is_so_useless/
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I wish I could be a fossil.

Only then would someone dig me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cakdmh/i_wish_i_could_be_a_fossil/
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Did you hear about the mime that got into a bar fight? He was left with a broken left arm. Later the police came in to ask questions.

He had the right to remain silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cakde7/did_you_hear_about_the_mime_that_got_into_a_bar/
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A blind man walks into a fish market.

"Hello ladies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cakca9/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_fish_market/
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If I had a dollar for everytime people call me ugly

I'd be broke cause no one ever calls me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cakbo8/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_everytime_people_call_me/
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Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I'm not joking, but he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cak7vg/stephen_king_has_a_son_named_joe/
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What do you call the slums of Italy?

The Spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cak1rb/what_do_you_call_the_slums_of_italy/
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Educated People Are Really Hot

They have a lot of degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cak0cf/educated_people_are_really_hot/
%
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cak058/a_man_buys_a_lie_detecting_robot_that_slaps/
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There once was a woman who was quite begat

She had three babies named Nat, Pat, and Tat.
She said it was fun in the breeding,
But found it was hell in the feeding.
When she saw there was no tit for Tat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cajwhm/there_once_was_a_woman_who_was_quite_begat/
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Why did the boy fall off the swing?

Someone threw a fridge at him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cajsm0/why_did_the_boy_fall_off_the_swing/
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I'm a fan of masturbation

When you're alone, it cums in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cajqcu/im_a_fan_of_masturbation/
%
Mess up the formatting

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cajoss/mess_up_the_formatting/
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What band do Anti-vaxxers refuse to listen too?

The Cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cajo45/what_band_do_antivaxxers_refuse_to_listen_too/
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Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed, but one venue offered him a gig for next Saturday night.
Bob, disappointed he didn’t get the judges to laugh as much as he wanted, shakes his head at it and reassures himself it’s a fluke and he will rock the crowd on Saturday.
Saturday rolls around and Bob is next to go on stage. He gets up there and starts. His act is insane and wacky. Bob the ant is going nuts. But the crowd isn’t laughing. Disappointedly, Bob walks off stage to the audience after his set to reflect on why he wasn’t so funny. As he does this, the next ant comedian walks on stage. His name is Tom, and Tom has a much more relaxed and chill vibe to him than Bob. Tom is killing it. Every sentence makes the crowd roar with laughter.
Confused, Bob asks the manager of the club who happened to be sitting next to him, “Hey, what makes that guy so much more funny than me?!” To which the manager replied, “The real joke is in the calm ants”
Edit formatting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cajmfb/bob_the_ant_wanted_to_be_a_standup_comedian/
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I’ve invented a machine that sprays ketchup over large groups of people but I need financial investment to get the business up and running.

I will be crowd saucing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cajiln/ive_invented_a_machine_that_sprays_ketchup_over/
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A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale. He lost 1 pound!
As he leaves he sees a new sign next door. "Lose 2 pounds for $2". He pays, enters. This time there are two gorgeous naked women in running shoes. They say "Better start running." He does, chasing them around the track. Two hours later he catches them. He is doubly... rewarded. On his way out the scale shows he lost 2 pounds!
The man leaves. Sure enough, next door there is a final sign: "Lose 3 pounds for $3." By now the fat man is exhausted and can barely walk... but he cannot resist. He pays and enters. The door slams shut behind him and locks.
Alone on the running track is a 6'4" muscular male body builder, naked except for running shoes. The naked athlete points down at his enormous erection, smiles at the fat man and says...
"Better start running."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cajico/a_fat_man_sees_a_sign_on_a_door_lose_1_pound_for_1/
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A man says he can detect HIV just by listening To it

He calls the Programm "Hearing Aids"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caivb2/a_man_says_he_can_detect_hiv_just_by_listening_to/
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What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caiuz8/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_rabbits_walking/
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5 word joke

Mosquitoes, man...
What a buzzkill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caipaf/5_word_joke/
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What do you call a mexican gps?

Juan Direction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cainj3/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_gps/
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All maids love their brooms

Well, that's a bit of a sweeping generalisation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caij0x/all_maids_love_their_brooms/
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One day a husband comes home early from work...

And see’s his wife’s clothes sprawled all over the  living room, surprised and confused, he rushes for his bedroom and see’s her butt naked on their bed with a suspicious look on her face. Alright, where is he? He asks. Furious, he starts throwing a fit and searches every nook and crack to no avail. Suddenly, he hears the apartment door open from below their balcony, and he see’s a guy buttoning up a shirt, whistling with a smug look on his face. He looks at his wife and says, that’s the fucker isn’t it?! Before he lets her speak he runs for the fridge, picks it up and gives it a sprint and a fat lunge off the balcony, landing it on the guys head killing him instantly. Unfortunately, during the process, he had slipped and fell to his death as well. 3 guys end up at heavens gates standing in line together waiting for St. Peter and one of the guys decided to strike up a conversation, so what brought you here? Other dude replies, well i was starting off to what i thought was a great day, and as i’m walking towards my car to get groceries for my family, it starts raining appliances and welp, here i am! Other guy puts his hand behind his neck with a regretful look on his face and says, yeah my bad man, that was me. I threw it at you thinking you were sleeping with my wife, but hey i ended up paying for that mistake obviously. The two of them hug it out, look at each other, then look at the third guy. He notices their attention and says, yeahhhh...I was in the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caif34/one_day_a_husband_comes_home_early_from_work/
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What type of car does a cowboy drive?

A Haudi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caiezw/what_type_of_car_does_a_cowboy_drive/
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So an Anti Vax kid was playing in the pool...

“Marco!”
“Polio!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caiard/so_an_anti_vax_kid_was_playing_in_the_pool/
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Do you like sex and travel?

fuck off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cai4bj/do_you_like_sex_and_travel/
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My girlfriend is a porn star.

She'll kill me if she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cai2z9/my_girlfriend_is_a_porn_star/
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In the jungle one day, there was a monkey smoking a joint of some fine weed up in a tree...

A lizard at the bottom of the tree noticed the monkey and asked “hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”
The monkey replied “I’m just chillin up here smoking a fattie, you’re more than welcome to join!”
So the lizard went up and smoke out with the monkey. After the joint was gone, the lizard said “hey monkey, that was super bomb weed! I’m high as hell, but I have really bad cotton mouth. I’m going to head on down to the lake and get some water, cause this dry mouth is killing me!”
Monkey replied “sounds good lizard, you’re welcome back anytime! I’m always looking for new friends to chill and blaze with”
So the lizard made his way to the lake, and was chilling there drinking some water when a crocodile came up to him.
Crocodile said “hey lizard, what are you up to today?”
Lizard responded and said “man, I’m having a great day! I just smoked the best weed around with the monkey back there in the tree! I’m high off my ass but have super bad cotton mouth!”
Crocodile asked if he could go meet the monkey and also get stoned, to which the lizard replied “of course man, he’s always looking for new friends to blaze with, just head back into the jungle, monkey is chillin up in the big tree!”
The crocodile made his way into the jungle and found the tree with monkey in it.
Crocodile yells out, “hey monkey, do you still have some of that bomb weed?”
Monkey looks down at the crocodile and says “wohhh man... how much water did you drink?!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cai0sc/in_the_jungle_one_day_there_was_a_monkey_smoking/
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A man walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of bourbon

The bartender asks, "Why so many shots, what's the occasion?"
The man replies, "My first blowjob!"
The bartender asks the man, "Oh? How was it?"
The man says "It was alright but I can't get the taste out of my mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caht3b/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_5_shots_of/
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Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?

He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cahqjm/why_did_mozart_get_rid_of_all_his_chickens/
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Peter Pan would make a great comedian

His jokes would never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cahjqn/peter_pan_would_make_a_great_comedian/
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As a child i was molested by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cahjb4/as_a_child_i_was_molested_by_mimes/
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Women.

An Aussie saying"we're men".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cahg0c/women/
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My ex left me because I'm "too much of a corporate scumbag".

I'm holding interviews for the new vacancy if anyone's interested.
Full-time, permanent basis.
Contact me via email.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cahf2y/my_ex_left_me_because_im_too_much_of_a_corporate/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together we can stop this shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caheph/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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I told my girlfriend to lick the tip.

Then the waiter came over and asked, "Why are these coins wet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cahcml/i_told_my_girlfriend_to_lick_the_tip/
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I watched my first porno film last week....

I looked so much younger then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cah9z5/i_watched_my_first_porno_film_last_week/
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Social media In real life.

One of my friends is forging a bold new path for himself, and eschewing the conventions of normal life, here's a tale he told me that illustrates his attitude...
'I haven't got a computer, but I was told about Facebook and Twitter and am trying to make friends outside Facebook and Twitter while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do for the rest of the day. I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my dog and me gardening and on holiday, spending time by the pool. I also listen to their conversations, tell them I "like" them and give them my opinion on every subject that interests me... whether it interests them or not.
And it works. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a social worker, and a psychiatrist.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cah8rt/social_media_in_real_life/
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Congrats to Rose Lavelle of Women’s National Soccer team for winning the Bronze Ball, awarded for being the 3rd best player at the World Cup!

Also, huge congrats to the entire Men’s National Soccer team for coming so close but not finishing, winning the Blue Ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cah33p/congrats_to_rose_lavelle_of_womens_national/
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Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cagzy9/why_did_the_coffee_file_a_police_report/
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What do you call a guy who only eats bubble tea balls?

Boba Fed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cagyqp/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_only_eats_bubble_tea/
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Written above a urinal.

The jokes not here it's in your hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cagwjk/written_above_a_urinal/
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I made spacecake with laxatives for my birthday.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cagqh4/i_made_spacecake_with_laxatives_for_my_birthday/
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What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they’re under a buck...
(Told to me by my 12yo son)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cagj2u/whats_the_cheapest_meat_you_can_buy/
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My doctor said to me he'll be with me through thick and thin, even when shit hits the fan

Needless to say he's a good gastroenterologist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caghpf/my_doctor_said_to_me_hell_be_with_me_through/
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Drowning, choking, and suffocating

Are breathtaking experiences

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cagfpf/drowning_choking_and_suffocating/
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As a child I was molested by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cagdon/as_a_child_i_was_molested_by_mimes/
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Some people don't know whether to use the word 'burro' or 'burrow'

They don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cag6o8/some_people_dont_know_whether_to_use_the_word/
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A friend told me this

This girl named Jane was always sleeping in class and the boy who sat behind her , Carl, her caught wind of this and came up with a plan. He brought a stick to class. The teacher asked “who created everything.” And called on Jane. Carl then poked her with the stick and she sprang up and yelled “God all mighty!”, the teacher said” correct.” The next day the teacher asked “who died for our sins, Jane, do you know.” Carl poked her with the stick and she sprang up and yelled “Jesus Christ.”  “Correct,” the teacher answered. Then on the 3rd day the teacher asked what did Eve say to Adam after their 45th child, Carl poked Jane and she sparing up and yelled “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL CHOP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT!” Then she got sent to the principal’s office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cag4ya/a_friend_told_me_this/
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A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.
So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.
In a fury the chicken busts down the door and grabs the keys to the Mercedes parked out front. Then the two of them grab some rope.
The pig then drives down to the mud hole and attaches one end of the rope to the horse and the other to the bumper.
The pig then pulls the horse out with the Mercedes.
The next day, the three of them are walking again and the chicken falls into the same hole.
The pig begins to say “I know what to do!” and begins to run back to the house, but the horse stops him and says “hold on, watch this”.
The horse then steps over the mud hole and says to the chicken, “grab hold of my penis”. The chicken complies as he doesn’t want to die in the mud hole and grabs hold of the penis and the horse pulls him out.
The moral of the story is, when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cag1vo/a_horse_chicken_and_a_pig_are_out_walking_on_a/
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Oops...

Doctor: You're obese.
Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cag0k3/oops/
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So a nun wants to enter a horse race, but horses cost a lot of money.

So instead, she buys a donkey and enters him in the race, and he wins first place. On that day, the newspaper reads, ‘Nun’s ass wins first place’. On the next day, she enters the donkey in the race again, but he doesn’t win, and on that day the papers read, ‘nun’s ass chokes’. On the next day, the booker scratches the donkey from the race, meaning he can’t race anymore, so the papers read, ‘Booker scratches nun’s ass’. Now on the last day, the nun sells her donkey, she doesn’t want him if he can’t race, so on the last day, the papers read, ‘nun sells her ass, for five dollars’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cag07t/so_a_nun_wants_to_enter_a_horse_race_but_horses/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To walk into the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cafzpg/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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What do you call creepy wind chimes?

Stranger Tings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cafy3l/what_do_you_call_creepy_wind_chimes/
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How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don’t, they’re too busy screwing up everything else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cafuhj/how_many_politicians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A coworker told me a joke about Oedipus and King Midas today.

It was motherfucking gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cafu2j/a_coworker_told_me_a_joke_about_oedipus_and_king/
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I can’t believe after all that shit they finally came back together

My poor butt cheeks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cafte7/i_cant_believe_after_all_that_shit_they_finally/
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A man walks into a restaurant in Spain and looks at the menu

He doesn't speak a lick of Spanish, so he defaults to a passing waiter for advice on what to get. "I would recommend the *cojones*," the waiter says. "Our house specialty. The dish is sourced fresh from the bull killed by one of our bullfighters in the ring today."
So the man orders the cojones expecting some sort of typical beef dish, and he almost chokes on his drink when the waiter brings two big, veiny bull testicles on a plate. Hesitating at first, the man realizes it wouldn't be on the menu if it wasn't at least sort of good. So he takes a bite, only to find the dish is surprisingly delicious and full of flavor. He finishes every last bit, pays his bill and decides to come back tomorrow because the dish was so good.
The next day, the man shows up again at the restaurant. He sits down and orders the cojones, and after a while the waiter brings out the dish. While he's eating his meal, the waiter comes by to see how he's enjoying the food. "It's strange," the man says, "I ordered the same dish yesterday, and this time the cojones are much smaller and saltier than last night. What gives?"
The waiter responds, "You see, the bull does not always lose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cafr56/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_in_spain_and_looks/
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I'm officially the worst lover ever.

I was masturbating and my hand fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cafofp/im_officially_the_worst_lover_ever/
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My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together

I totally nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cafl3b/my_boss_told_me_to_attach_two_pieces_of_wood/
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Have you heard about the new dating site for elderly people?

They call it Carbon-14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cafkup/have_you_heard_about_the_new_dating_site_for/
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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon to one who can complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!
So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along the way, he sees dozens of noble warriors, bodybuilders and others laying on the ground, devastated. Their absolute and utter exhaustion is displayed clearly by the pools of sweat underneath them, and the sound of wheezing could be heard from over 50 yards away. The hero is now concerned, these men appear to be very strong and fit, but he is more so than all of them. A ways further and he sees Hercules, Chuck Norris, and even Atlas, who held up the sky for countless years, receiving medical attention for their hands which are shaking uncontrollably. The hero is extremely worried, and heavily considers turning back. If these great men could not best the challenge of strength, then how could I? But the prospect of becoming a god was too tempting, and he pressed forward.
The hero had finally reached Zeus who was holding a jar of peanut butter. "Welcome, great hero. If you wish to become a god you must complete 4 feats of strength. Here is a jar of peanut butter. Please open the jar without using any hot water." The hero took the jar, and while tight, presented no challenge as he opened it without a grimace.
"Very good" says Zeus. "For the next challenge, you must carry 8 bags of groceries in one trip, without dropping any or breaking the eggs." As a man, the hero has done this countless times before, so he was not particularly worried. He picked up 4 in one hand and 4 in the other, and carried them over to Zeus's refrigerator.
"You give me hope, challenger! Perhaps someone will be able to complete my challenges after all. The feats increase in difficulty, of course, so be prepared for this next one! I have lodged my sword in this slab of granite. Retrieve the sword for me and I will present you the final challenge." The hero begins to pull on the sword, and it is very difficult. He notices the sword wiggle slightly, which gives him just enough confidence to unlodge the sword using most of his might. He presents the sword to Zeus.
"Hero, you have completed the first 3 trials and only one remains. No mortal man has made it this far, and it is as far as Hercules, Chuck Norris, and all the great heroes have made it; but none have succeeded. Complete this, and you shall have a seat in the legendary Pantheon.
Zeus holds out his hand and says “crack this closed pistachio please”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cafkcu/zeus_is_offering_a_seat_in_his_pantheon_to_one/
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Tom dick and Harry are onboard a plane that's about to crash

God appeared and make a deal with them, "give me $20 and jump and I'll save your lives" he said.
Tom reach into his pocket and give God $20 and jumped out the plane. He landed into a pool of water and survived.
Dick handed God his $20 and jumped, he then landed on a pile of snow and survived.
Harry reached into his pocket and give God a $100 bill, but he didn't jump.
The plane crashed and Harry was pronounced dead.
Harry then went to heaven, where he confronted God...
God looked at him with a confused look on his face and said "why you didn't jump Harry"
Harry placed his hand out and replied...
"I was waiting for my $80 change".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cafjgz/tom_dick_and_harry_are_onboard_a_plane_thats/
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My wife and I were trying to have sex when the slow cooker set off the fire alarm.

I was crock blocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cafdla/my_wife_and_i_were_trying_to_have_sex_when_the/
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My doctor told me I'm going to need two prosthetic limbs.

It's gonna cost me an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caf7wf/my_doctor_told_me_im_going_to_need_two_prosthetic/
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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She frantically telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasts the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his big dog, and sat down on the steps and started crying.
Putting her face in her hands, she sobbed: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caf6wx/returning_home_from_work_a_blonde_was_shocked_to/
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A Ranger goes gator hunting

A Ranger decides one day that he wants to go gator hunting and make some boots, so he gets dressed and packs his gear. He then stops at a local tackle shop to get some bait and tips on where he would have the best luck.
The shopkeep tells him where to go and sells him some bait and as the Ranger starts to leave he says: “I sent some Marines out that way a couple days ago and haven’t heard from them. Can you check on them while you’re out there?”
The Ranger agrees and sets out arriving at the bayou a short while later.
As he’s setting up, he notices the two Marines a little ways from him, with a massive pile of dead gators next to them.
He decides to greet the Marines but as he’s walking to them a giant gator leaps out of the water at one of them. The second Marine tackles it to the ground and shoves a knife through it’s jaw.
The Ranger rushes over to check on them and asks if they’re okay when one of the Marines looks at the dead gator and says:
“Damnit! This one ain’t wearin’ boots either!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caf37l/a_ranger_goes_gator_hunting/
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I cooked my friend a perfect medium rare steak.

He said that he liked it well done.  I said thanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caf199/i_cooked_my_friend_a_perfect_medium_rare_steak/
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People always tell me to learn from mistakes...

Why would I ever want to listen to my children?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caey7n/people_always_tell_me_to_learn_from_mistakes/
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Late to a funeral

As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country.  As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost.  I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.  I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.  The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I sang  like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
As I sang & played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep.  They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car.  Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caetoy/late_to_a_funeral/
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Before my surgery, my anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caer6k/before_my_surgery_my_anesthesiologist_offered_to/
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Why do big cats take a long time stalking their prey?

They like to watch what they eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caepd7/why_do_big_cats_take_a_long_time_stalking_their/
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It's English class and a female teacher asks students to give her example of a sentence which contains "just in a case" in it.

The first student raises his hand and responds:
\- "There is no ongoing war, but we still keep the army, just in case"
\- "Excellent! Anybody else?" - asks the teacher.
\- "There is no fire but we still keep the fireman, just in case" - answers the other student.
Vova raises his hand and responds:
\- "My neighbor doesn't have a wife but his dick still gets hard, just in case".
Everyone gets shocked and teacher warns Vova:
\- "That's a terrible example. If you give an example like that again, I will kick out of the class."
The class is over and everyone starts leaving. Teacher takes Vova to the corner and tell him:
\- "What you did today was terrible and I hope it will never repeat again. Now, could you please give me your neighbor's phone number, just in case"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caeo7n/its_english_class_and_a_female_teacher_asks/
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In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caemdb/in_the_mens_bathroom_an_accountant_a_lawyer_and_a/
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At age 70 I participated in my first demolition derby today and my tires flew off my car.

I guess it's time for me to retire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cael80/at_age_70_i_participated_in_my_first_demolition/
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*knock knock*

"Who's there?"
"An interrupting southerner"
"An interrupti-"
"Actually it was about states' rights!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caejga/knock_knock/
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Doctor told me to eat more greens

Doctor: Well you should eat more greens
Me: ok
(Gets home)
Well time to dye all my burgers green
(Next check up)
Doctor: what the hell happened
Me: I went on a dye-it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caejab/doctor_told_me_to_eat_more_greens/
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My mom got part of her colon removed.

Now she has a semicolon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caeit7/my_mom_got_part_of_her_colon_removed/
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I told someone in public they drew their eyebrows on too high today

He looked at me, with a surprised look on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caedht/i_told_someone_in_public_they_drew_their_eyebrows/
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My old girlfriend wanted me to do her college algebra homework for her

But frankly, I didn't want to solve for ex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caebt1/my_old_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_do_her_college/
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Glass coffins are now being sold

How will they sell? Remains to be seen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cae02k/glass_coffins_are_now_being_sold/
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My girlfriend started to accuse me of cheating yesterday

And now she's just starting to sound like my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cadq5y/my_girlfriend_started_to_accuse_me_of_cheating/
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What's the difference between hormone and enzyme?

You can't make an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cadkfp/whats_the_difference_between_hormone_and_enzyme/
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Why is a woman's orgasm so much different from a man's?

Because her O varies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cad3em/why_is_a_womans_orgasm_so_much_different_from_a/
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What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

Damn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cacx4f/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_the_wall/
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A slice of pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cacwo0/a_slice_of_pie_is_250_in_jamaica_and_300_in_the/
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Possible OC??

What's the difference between a demolition derby and some drunks on a bus?
One's a bar-crawl. The other's a car-brawl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cacvj4/possible_oc/
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I had a dog that used to chase people on a bike

It got so out of hand we had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cactkf/i_had_a_dog_that_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike/
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To clarify: teachers are not "off for the summer"

they are in recovery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cacbn2/to_clarify_teachers_are_not_off_for_the_summer/
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I went to see a chiropractor.

It was about a week back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cacbdu/i_went_to_see_a_chiropractor/
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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.
Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets.
The woman gets well soon and gives birth to three healthy triplets, two girls and one boy. The incident at the bank gets forgotten over the time.
Fourteen years later, one of the daughters comes to her mother, obviously upset: "Mommy, mommy!"
M: "What's the matter, sweetie?"
D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. "
M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again."
One week later, the second daughter runs to her mother, upset: "Mommy, mommy!"
M: "What's the matter, sweetie?"
D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. "
M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again."
Another week later, the son comes to his mother, also upset: "Mommy, mommy!'
M: "What's the matter, sweetie? No, wait, let me guess. You had to pee and found a bullet in the bowl?"
S: "No, but I was jerking off and shot the cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cac8uf/a_woman_pregnant_with_triplets_walks_into_a_bank/
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What type of people never get angry?

The nomads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cac5zp/what_type_of_people_never_get_angry/
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I have a Russian friend who is a sound technician.

And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cac3i3/i_have_a_russian_friend_who_is_a_sound_technician/
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Healthy eagles come from America.

Ill eagles come from Mexico.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cac2u2/healthy_eagles_come_from_america/
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Three guys were talking whose wife is stupid.

The first one said:"My wife bought more toaster, but we don't even have thelectricity at home."
The second one said: "My wife bought a washing machine, but we don't have water nor electricity at home."
The third one said: "Mine is even worse. A few days ago, she went out with her girlfriends and she took two condoms with her,but she doesn't even have a
dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cac1hf/three_guys_were_talking_whose_wife_is_stupid/
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A blonde woman canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs...

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
She replied, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cac0fk/a_blonde_woman_canvassed_a_wealthy_neighborhood/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number...

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "No, she means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cabvcl/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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Old lady calls 911.

Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Old Lady: I need to know the location of my heart.
Operator: Ma'am that's not an emergency. But it's below your left breast.
Old Lady: Thank you. (Hangs Up)
20 minutes later.
Phone rings.
Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Young teen: Help it's my grandmother. She's been depressed. I think she shot herself.
Operator: Please remain on the line. Can you see the entry wound? Where is it located?
Young teen: It's on her left knee. It's bleeding pretty bad though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cabqmn/old_lady_calls_911/
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A guy died when he was torn in half.

rip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cabpn4/a_guy_died_when_he_was_torn_in_half/
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“Dad, is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?”

Dad: No, it’s as easy as 1,1,2,3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cabnhy/dad_is_the_fibonacci_sequence_hard_to_understand/
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Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cabk3f/me_playing_russian_roulette_you_first/
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My girlfriend got me with a Sodium/Na pun...

I’d tell her a bad oxygen joke but I wouldn’t want the score to be 0-2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cabi3v/my_girlfriend_got_me_with_a_sodiumna_pun/
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I got expelled for making blueprints for a water slide that goes up one side of my university and down the other.

Maybe I shouldn't have started by saying that I wanted to chute up the school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cabdp6/i_got_expelled_for_making_blueprints_for_a_water/
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Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles”.

Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?”
“No” he replies, “it’s puddles. And don’t ask.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cab9xy/three_ducks_walk_into_a_bar_bar_man_asks_the/
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How much does the devil weigh?

A pentagram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cab9vg/how_much_does_the_devil_weigh/
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Playing truck driver...nsfw

I ran into a kid sittin’ on the curb.
He would eat an m&m, bite his cat on the ass, and move on down the curb.  Eat and m&m, bite his cat on the ass, and move on down the curb.
I said son, “what are you doing?”
He said, “playin truck driver.”
I said, “truck driver?”
He said, “yeah, poppin’ pills, eatin’ pussy, and movin’ on down the road.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cab82p/playing_truck_drivernsfw/
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Girlfriend, if he don't appreciate fruit puns...

You need to let that mango.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cab3ud/girlfriend_if_he_dont_appreciate_fruit_puns/
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My girlfriend died and I had to break the news to everyone.

The most difficult person to tell was my former best friend, because every time I mention his mother he tries to choke me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/cab2yi/my_girlfriend_died_and_i_had_to_break_the_news_to/
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I was gonna make a joke about memory loss

I think

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caaza9/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_about_memory_loss/
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There's a really obvious way to get people to bruise their shins.

When I tell you what it is, you'll kick yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caaxil/theres_a_really_obvious_way_to_get_people_to/
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My girlfriend keeps telling me having a small penis isn't that much of a problem.

I guess, but I still wish she didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caah5t/my_girlfriend_keeps_telling_me_having_a_small/
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What does Jesus have in common with Brocolli?

Both are cruciferous and were forced on me by my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caafj9/what_does_jesus_have_in_common_with_brocolli/
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What’s the difference between a slacker and a stripper?

One is barely presentable, the other is presentably bare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caad0w/whats_the_difference_between_a_slacker_and_a/
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I used to date a tennis player.

Love meant nothing to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caa8gw/i_used_to_date_a_tennis_player/
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What do you call someone with no ears?

Whatever you want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caa5c5/what_do_you_call_someone_with_no_ears/
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Did you know Ghandi didn't wear shoes and often fasted?

Walking barefoot all the time hardened his feet, but hunger weakened his body and made his breath smell terrible.
In fact, you could say he was a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/caa3c1/did_you_know_ghandi_didnt_wear_shoes_and_often/
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A man goes to the doctor

Man: Please help! I have severe diarrhea!
Doctor: Have you tried lemons?
Man: YES! BUT EVERYTIME I REMOVE THE LEMON, THE DIARRHEA STARTS AGAIN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca9vxl/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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A little kid swallows 6 plastic horses...

It’s Ok
His condition is stable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca9j1k/a_little_kid_swallows_6_plastic_horses/
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A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.

The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this."
He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one."
The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing.
"See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns."
His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?"
"Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca9ev1/a_man_is_showing_his_friend_around_his_town_they/
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Why do you never see a fat Jesus?

He did Cross Fit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca9dcf/why_do_you_never_see_a_fat_jesus/
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What is a baby seal’s favourite drink?

Canadian Club on the Rocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca9c0f/what_is_a_baby_seals_favourite_drink/
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I was watching Jurrasic Park and thought...

Not only does my son have a stupid ass name, but he's a terrible driver as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca9bog/i_was_watching_jurrasic_park_and_thought/
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My doctor said I only had 30 days to live, so I killed him.

Lucky for me, the Judge gave me 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca9ame/my_doctor_said_i_only_had_30_days_to_live_so_i/
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What do you call a Hispanic and a Priest fighting?

Alien vs. Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca997l/what_do_you_call_a_hispanic_and_a_priest_fighting/
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My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties.

I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made her funeral a bit awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca98cu/my_friend_got_mad_when_he_caught_me_smelling_his/
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Just found out that my old math teacher was cross-eyed.

They could never keep control of their pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca97fv/just_found_out_that_my_old_math_teacher_was/
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Two midgets decided to get prostitutes.

They each take one and go into their neighboring hotel rooms.
Things were getting hot and heavy but one of them couldn't get a woody. He felt a lot more insecure when he could hear his buddy yelling "here I come! 1-2-3!!! Almost there! Let's go again."
The next morning at breakfast he was telling his friend how embarrassed he was that he couldn't get hard. Then his friend says "hey man, I couldn't even get on the bed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca93au/two_midgets_decided_to_get_prostitutes/
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A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy.

“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca91rr/a_man_walks_into_a_rooftop_bar_and_takes_a_seat/
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How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call her and tell her about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca91cq/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_during_sex/
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Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,
Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.
Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...
“You better hurry home now, my wife died a year ago"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca90a2/jack_goes_to_his_buddy_bob_and_says_im_sleeping/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca8wll/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
A man called the hospital where his pregnant wife was admitted. He was accidentally connected to the Lord's Cricket Ground.

"So how did it go ?", he asked.
The person on the other side of the line said, "We've got four out and expect to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca8wfz/a_man_called_the_hospital_where_his_pregnant_wife/
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A horse walks into a bar... The barman asks "Why the long face?"

The horse replies "I just found out I've got AIDS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca8uv4/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_the_barman_asks_why_the/
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The Brit, the Frenchman, the Gangster and the Tribals

One day, a trio of adventurers are making their way through the Amazon. The group consists of a die-hard Brit, a die-hard Frenchman and a recent addition to the team, a gangster from downtown Chicago. Eventually, the party is caught by a group of tribals and put in a cage. The chief of the tribals approaches them, and tells them the situation.
"We need to kill you three so we can turn your skin into canoes. But because we are honorable, we are going to let you choose how you die."
The Brit raises his hand and asks the cheif if he can have a gun. The chief obliges and hands the man a gun. He yells "God save the Queen" and blow his brains out. Then the Frenchman raises his hand and asks the chief for a vial of poison. The chief hands him a vial of cyannide, at which point the Frenchman yells "Vive le France!" And chugs it, killing him as well. Finally, the chief looks at the gangster, and asks him how he wishes to die.
"Gimmie a fork, tribal boy."
The chief, confused, hands the man a metal fork, and watches as he starts stabbing himself with it over and over again. Ten minutes later, the cage is surrounded by the rest of the tribe watching this man bleed out from hundreds of small holes in his body. But with his dying breath, he says his last words.
"Enjoy your boat, dickheads"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca8s5n/the_brit_the_frenchman_the_gangster_and_the/
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Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca8qyd/calling_your_bug_spray_company_off_is_really/
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I have a horse called Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca8h2r/i_have_a_horse_called_mayo/
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What has two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese man imitating a phone ringing and answering the call.
"Wing, wing, arrow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca8fq6/what_has_two_wings_and_an_arrow/
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What do you get when you cross an Agnostic, a dyslexic & an insomniac??

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca8cto/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_agnostic_a/
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A man and his wife were watching a Christian healing program on the television when the host says to walk up to the set, put their one hand on the television and the other on the part of their body that needs healing.

The wife slowly hobbles up, places her right hand on the Television, and places her left hand on her arthritic shoulder. The man walks up as well, placing his left hand on the television and his right hand on his crotch. The wife then says, “you just don’t get it, do you?” The husband replies, “what do you mean?” The wife gives him a stern look and replies “The point of this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca8cl1/a_man_and_his_wife_were_watching_a_christian/
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Me: what's the difference between a child and a hooker?

Friend: idk
Me: you sick fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca8bev/me_whats_the_difference_between_a_child_and_a/
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What is temptation

When you get arrested for harrasing someone over the phone and police gives you one phone call

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca884j/what_is_temptation/
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Why did I get divorced?

Well last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said: "Happy birthday boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said: "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked. 😬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca85xk/why_did_i_get_divorced/
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A pheasant was standing in a field

chatting to a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca80rn/a_pheasant_was_standing_in_a_field/
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What do you call someone that takes pictures of only dogs?

A pho'dog'rapher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca7wnu/what_do_you_call_someone_that_takes_pictures_of/
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A man is leaving work late. He gets into his car and goes home.

On the way he reaches a long, straight stretch of road with no other cars, so he decides to speed up a bit.
As he passed a lay-by, a police car turns on its lights and sirens and motions to him to pull over.
The man does, and a police officer gets out and walks up to the man.
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No Officer" replies the man.
"You were doing 68 in a 30 zone. What do you have to say about that?"
"I'm so sorry officer, I didn't realise."
The officer tells him that he's going to have to to to court for his sentence, and the judge will rule on it.
"I was doing 68? Couldn't you make the number funnier a bit. Round it up a bit. It's so close." Replies the man. "You know, so I can hear the judge say it?"
"Alright. If you really want me to." Agrees the police officer.
3 weeks later it's the man's trial. He turns up to court and the judge reads the case document.
About halfway down the page the judge suddenly stops reading and looks up in shock.
"In god's name explain to me. How the fuck were you going at 420 in a 30 zone???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca7mn4/a_man_is_leaving_work_late_he_gets_into_his_car/
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The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight...

I'm just posting while I wait for the kettle to boil!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca7kg8/the_kids_next_door_have_challenged_me_to_a_water/
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Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper....

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!"
So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"
"Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca7i4x/two_army_boys_leroy_jasper/
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Have you heard the joke about the Virgin yet?

It hasn't been laid yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca7hyi/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_the_virgin_yet/
%
A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.
He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?"
The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca7dqi/a_man_comes_to_the_doctor_and_says_mmmmy_dddick/
%
I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca79ej/i_was_sitting_on_the_toilet_exhausted_and_late/
%
Quick question: When was the first Burning Man festival?

Germany, 1938

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca75ar/quick_question_when_was_the_first_burning_man/
%
What did Harry say to Hermione when she lent him a galleon?

Thanks for the gold kind Granger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca740d/what_did_harry_say_to_hermione_when_she_lent_him/
%
Describe your sex life in Star Wars quotes

‘It’s over, Anakin’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca72cl/describe_your_sex_life_in_star_wars_quotes/
%
Who invented King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca714p/who_invented_king_arthurs_round_table/
%
What do you call a group of 8 rabbits?

A rabbyte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca70e6/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_8_rabbits/
%
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca6vl1/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
There’s a more virulent form of MRSA going around

It’s WRSA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca6urr/theres_a_more_virulent_form_of_mrsa_going_around/
%
If your urine smells like alcohol, you may have a drinking problem

If your urine tastes like alcohol, you definitely do have a drinking problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca6sfd/if_your_urine_smells_like_alcohol_you_may_have_a/
%
Kids ask their mother how they were named

1st Child: Mom, how was I named?
Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily.
Lily: That’s so cool!
2nd Child: Mom, how was I named?
Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a rose fell on your head. So we named you Rose.
Rose: That’s so cool!
3rd Child: guguhu sjebe kddekw?
Mother: What did you say, Brick?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca6qo6/kids_ask_their_mother_how_they_were_named/
%
My friends asked me to describe my girlfriend

I told them she's a solid √-100
She's a 10 and she doesn't exist, just like my friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca6pyy/my_friends_asked_me_to_describe_my_girlfriend/
%
I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca6guc/i_went_to_the_doctors_recently_he_said_dont_eat/
%
Two bacteria walk into a bar, then into the staff area.

The barman says “get out!”
The bacteria say “don’t worry, we’re staph”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca6eep/two_bacteria_walk_into_a_bar_then_into_the_staff/
%
What does a gay shark eat?

Seamen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca67dl/what_does_a_gay_shark_eat/
%
People in LA are complaining that the early warning system didn't work.

You FOOLS.
LA IS THE EARLY WARNING SYSTEM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca63g7/people_in_la_are_complaining_that_the_early/
%
2 parrots were sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says:

Do you smell fish?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca639k/2_parrots_were_sitting_on_a_perch_one_turns_to/
%
As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca62jy/as_ive_grown_older_i_realised_the_number_of/
%
What does 'Chav' stand for?

because his jeans are to tight for him to sit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca621i/what_does_chav_stand_for/
%
I hate jokes about ghosts.

They have no substance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca61xp/i_hate_jokes_about_ghosts/
%
Did you hear that being on a mountaintop is the best thing you can ever do?

Really, its all just downhill from there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca5ue7/did_you_hear_that_being_on_a_mountaintop_is_the/
%
Prince Philip turns up to a political event 20 minutes before everyone else

and the doorman says
“Blimey Phil, you’re early”
And Philip replies  “Actually Bob, I think I’m more dukey”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca5t9r/prince_philip_turns_up_to_a_political_event_20/
%
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca5s9m/a_father_and_his_young_son_go_to_a_restaurant_and/
%
When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered

It was like music to my arse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca5pc7/when_i_heard_that_a_cure_for_dyslexia_had_been/
%
I have a beautiful garden in my backyard where I grow vegetables.

Every day I would take ripe vegetables to the farmers market and sell them.
Potatoes, carrots, eggplants, and so on.
One day the cops arrested me for public urination.
Apparently, you can't take your peas and leaks in the public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca5oqf/i_have_a_beautiful_garden_in_my_backyard_where_i/
%
Someone stole my mood ring

I don't know how I feel about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca5mzc/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
A couple we’re having dinner at a restaurant

One of them finds a hair in the steak and calls the waiter to say:
“Waiter there’s a hair in my steak!”
The waiter nods and says “That’s because the chef uses his armpits to mash the meat”
“That’s disgusting” says the indignant diner
To which the waiter replies “You should see how he makes the doughnuts”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca5kgv/a_couple_were_having_dinner_at_a_restaurant/
%
I got in trouble at high school for masturbating in the showers...

Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca5jrs/i_got_in_trouble_at_high_school_for_masturbating/
%
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca5en1/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I just checked my bank account balance and I have $10K

the K is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca5a74/i_just_checked_my_bank_account_balance_and_i_have/
%
Italian Police are told to give tickets to anyone, no matter how important

One morning, the Pope comes out of the Vatican and decides he wants to go for a drive. The Pope calls for a limousine, but when it arrives he tells the driver to get in the back, he’s going for a ride.
As he blasts down the road in his limousine he speeds past two motorcycle officers. One of the officers pulls over the limousine, and after a few minutes returns to his buddy.
“Did you give him a ticket?”
“No.”
“Well, Why not?”
“He was too important.”
“Well, we’re told to give anyone a ticket, no matter who it is.”
“No, no, he was too important, I couldn’t.”
“Alright then, who was it?”
“I couldn’t recognize him, but his driver was the Pope.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca58q6/italian_police_are_told_to_give_tickets_to_anyone/
%
I'd love to find a way to turn the autocorrect off.

I'm tired of that shiv.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca56mu/id_love_to_find_a_way_to_turn_the_autocorrect_off/
%
Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other, “What do you think about this mad cow disease?”
“What do I care?” says the other. “I’m a helicopter.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca533w/two_cows_are_standing_in_a_field/
%
Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He’s really going through some shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca532c/did_you_hear_about_the_depressed_plumber/
%
When the DJ at a club played "Jump," we all jumped.

When he played "Come On Eileen," we all ended up with a court date for sexual assault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca51dw/when_the_dj_at_a_club_played_jump_we_all_jumped/
%
Anal bleaching

Sounds like something an asshole would do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca503x/anal_bleaching/
%
I can live without my organs

It's hard, but luckily I still have my grand piano and synthesizer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4sqm/i_can_live_without_my_organs/
%
I thought I’d found my dream job as a male prostitute

But it turned out to be a pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4rvj/i_thought_id_found_my_dream_job_as_a_male/
%
Dolla fo Yuan.

A Chinese lady went to the bank and was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yuan. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Chinese lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4rht/dolla_fo_yuan/
%
So a man comes into a bar...

Wait no... Shit.   It was a horse....
So a man comes into a horse....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4pjp/so_a_man_comes_into_a_bar/
%
Not being vaccinated is a gift that keeps on giving

you things you otherwise wouldn't get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4phj/not_being_vaccinated_is_a_gift_that_keeps_on/
%
2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want.
Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything!
So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second.
Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 pints, and 2 shots of tequila! Because I'm even harder!
The barman complies and makes the drinks.
A few more moments pass with the barman listening to the 2 discussing who's the most tough, when suddenly the door opens and a tiny piece of tarmac walks through the door.
Both slabs of concrete quickly jump behind the bar and cower, shaking, and hide.
The tarmac walks up to the bar, and softly orders a small orange juice, drinks it then leaves, and the 2 slabs of concrete come back out from behind the bar.
The barman notices all this and says " hold on, I thought you 2 were the toughest around? Yet, terrified of that tiny piece of tarmac??"
Concrete 1 replies " we may be tough yes, but the tarmac....that guys a cycle path!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4nu7/2_slabs_of_concrete_walk_into_a_bar/
%
If you think women take a long time getting ready for something

My wife hasn't even planned her funeral yet...
2 weeks. Its been TWO weeks since I killed her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4knp/if_you_think_women_take_a_long_time_getting_ready/
%
I discovered the joy of donation

I donated my watch, my phone and my wallet to a poor guy......
You can't imagine the happiness I felt.......
As I saw him put his gun back in his pocket....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4jed/i_discovered_the_joy_of_donation/
%
The surprise (nsfw)

A married woman, a fiance and a mistress come together for some drinks while talking about their relationships. They decide to surprise their men. The next day all three will wear a leather SM-style bodystocking along with stiletto heels and a mask to cover their faces.
A couple of days later the three women meet again.
The fiance tells: “ when my man fiance came home i was lying on the couch wearing my outfit. When he saw me he told me i was the girl of his dreams. We made sweet love all night”.
The mistress responds: “ we agreed to meet at his work after his collegues left. I wore the complete outfit, stiletto heels, the bodystocking and the mask, under a raincoat. When he opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, instead he kissed me passionately and we had mad steaming sex on his desk”.
The married woman: “ first i brought the kids to my mom, them i quickly slid into the outfit before my husband came home. Once home from work he went to the fridge to grab a beer, then he sat om the couch. While reaching for the remote he asked:
“ HE BATMAN, what’s for dinner?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4e2d/the_surprise_nsfw/
%
9 in 10 Americans are bad at math and

I’m glad I’m not in the 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4ch2/9_in_10_americans_are_bad_at_math_and/
%
I went to a fortune teller for a haircut.

I got crystal bald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4ce0/i_went_to_a_fortune_teller_for_a_haircut/
%
Why is it hard to solve a crime in Alabama?

Because everyone has the same DNA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4brx/why_is_it_hard_to_solve_a_crime_in_alabama/
%
Do you know the story of the five-dicks man ?

His panties fit him like a glove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4ath/do_you_know_the_story_of_the_fivedicks_man/
%
What can a girl put behind her ears to make herself more attractive to men?

Her ankles  ;D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4af9/what_can_a_girl_put_behind_her_ears_to_make/
%
Dentist: open up

Me: well it all started when my dad left
Dentist: no I meant..
Dentist assistant: Wait Ali let him finish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4a9c/dentist_open_up/
%
A man walks into a bar...........

around 9:58 pm.  He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at the man and said,  "Do you think he'll jump?"
The man says, "You know what, I bet he will."  The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."  The man placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.  The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to the man, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
The man replies "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too;  but I didn't think he'd do it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca48nl/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
People used to make fun of me because I'm fat and am always sitting. So I started jogging.

Now I'm a running joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca46ab/people_used_to_make_fun_of_me_because_im_fat_and/
%
Medusa caught me looking at her tits

She yelled at me to look her in the eyes.
It was too late I was already rock hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca4435/medusa_caught_me_looking_at_her_tits/
%
I was on the phone with my wife

"I'm nearly home dear, can you put the kettle on for me?"
After 30 seconds of silence, I said "Hello? Are you still there?"
"Yes" she replied, "I don't think the kettle wants to talk to you right now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3xti/i_was_on_the_phone_with_my_wife/
%
What is it called when you get caught staring at someone’s breasts?

A booby trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3w3b/what_is_it_called_when_you_get_caught_staring_at/
%
What did the rich man say when he used money to get a date?

Thanks for the stranger kind gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3vz6/what_did_the_rich_man_say_when_he_used_money_to/
%
3 vampires

Walks in to a bar.
The first one ordered a blood and the second one ordered a blood light, but the third orders a hot cup of water.
The bartender was very confused about why the third one asked for hot water so he asks: The other two got blood but you got hot water, why did you get hot water?
The vampire says: oh I’m just making tea, and pulls out a used tampon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3v5b/3_vampires/
%
A wife is yelling at her husband, “Get out! I hate your guts!”

So the husband packs up his things and walks out the door.
As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”
He suddenly stops and says, “Wait, so you want me to stay?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3u1m/a_wife_is_yelling_at_her_husband_get_out_i_hate/
%
What’s Harry Potters favorite way of getting down the hill?

Walking
JK Rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3ti5/whats_harry_potters_favorite_way_of_getting_down/
%
How do you wake up Lady Gaga in the morning?

You Poker Face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3srw/how_do_you_wake_up_lady_gaga_in_the_morning/
%
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…

You can hide but you can’t run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3pag/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
Why should u never marry a badminton player?

Because love means nothing to them !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3o1i/why_should_u_never_marry_a_badminton_player/
%
What do you call a slutty idea?

A thot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3kv1/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_idea/
%
My friend bought a dog from a Blacksmith.

As soon as he got it home, it made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3j7r/my_friend_bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith/
%
Dad : “I need to call the doctor today.” Mom : “Which doctor?”

Dad : “No, the regular kind.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3hkg/dad_i_need_to_call_the_doctor_today_mom_which/
%
3 Roaches are having a race around a toilet bowl

The first roach finishes with hardly breaking a sweat in about 5 minutes.
The second roach crosses the finish five minutes after that and is starting to sweat.
The third roach comes in fifteen minutes after him completely soaked and visibly mad.
The first two roaches ask  "What happened to you?"
The third roach replies "I got pissed off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3hak/3_roaches_are_having_a_race_around_a_toilet_bowl/
%
Man walks into bar

Man: why is there a horse in here
Bartender: well sir if you can make the horse laugh I give you $100, but if you can’t you have to pay me $100
Man pulls out his wallet and slaps $100 down on the bar and walks over to the horse and whispers in his ear and the horse starts laughing historically
Bartender: I’ll double or nothing if you can make him cry
Man walks over to the other side of the horse, and the horse starts crying
Bartender: what did you say to him?!
Man: well I told him that my dick is bigger then his and he laughed at me, so to make him cry I just showed him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3bb8/man_walks_into_bar/
%
I Joined the Debate Club.

The Mass Debate Club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3b1k/i_joined_the_debate_club/
%
A man walks into a restaurant in Barcelona and looks at the menu

He doesn't speak a lick of Spanish, so he defaults to a passing waiter for advice. "I would recommend the cajones," the waiter says. "The dish is sourced fresh from the bull killed by one of our bullfighters in the ring today."
So the man orders the *cajones*, expecting some sort of typical beef dish and almost chokes on his drink when the waiter brings two big, veiny bull testicles on a plate. Hesitating at first, the man realizes it wouldn't be on the menu if it wasn't at least sort of good. So he decides to take a bite, only to find the dish is surprisingly delicious and full of flavor. He eats every last bite, pays his bill and decides to come back tomorrow because the dish was so good.
The next day, the man shows up again at the restaurant. He sits down and orders the cajones, and after a while the waiter brings out the dish. While he's eating his meal, the waiter comes by to see how he's enjoying the food. "It's strange," the man says "I ordered the same dish yesterday, and this time the cajones are noticeably smaller and saltier than last night. What gives?"
The waiter responds, "You see, the bull does not always lose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3ami/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_in_barcelona_and/
%
I should change my last name to Bull.

But I'm not going to as it would make this a Terry Bull joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca3ah5/i_should_change_my_last_name_to_bull/
%
My girlfriend said a small dick is a non issue in our relationship

Still wish she hadn't got one...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca33zu/my_girlfriend_said_a_small_dick_is_a_non_issue_in/
%
There were three men who were lost in a forest.

They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king explained to the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face, or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca32q8/there_were_three_men_who_were_lost_in_a_forest/
%
What's the difference between love.. true love and showing off?

Spitting.
Swallowing.
Gargling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca31tf/whats_the_difference_between_love_true_love_and/
%
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2zek/it_turns_out_a_major_new_study_recently_found/
%
A woman walks into a pharmacy...

She tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
"Why in thr world would you need cyanide??" He asks.
The woman explains that she needs it to kill her husband.
The pharmacists eyes get big-- "Good Lord!! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! It's against the law! I will lose my license and they will throw us both in jail! Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police!"
The woman then reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife. The pharmacist looks at the pictures and says-- "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2xbb/a_woman_walks_into_a_pharmacy/
%
A guy is walking down the street...(long)

So a guy is walking down the street and he sees a fricking pirate. This guys the real deal. He has a hook for a hand, a wooden leg, and even has a patch over his eye.
So the guy asks him “hey pirate, what happened to your leg?”
The pirate replies: Yar, a shark bit off me leg in the ocean!
The man says dang that must of been terrible... what happened to your hand?
The pirate replies: a crocodile bit off me hand!
The man says holy shit! I’m almost scared to ask, but what happened to your eye!?
The pirate replies: yar... a bird shit in me eye... and it was me first day with me hook!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2wn8/a_guy_is_walking_down_the_streetlong/
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You can’t breath through your nose while smiling.

Of course you can, I just wanted to make you smile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2w0v/you_cant_breath_through_your_nose_while_smiling/
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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.

One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida.
All  three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida  contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works  some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run  about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The  Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,  "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and  $100 profit for me."
The New York contractor doesn't measure or  figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers,  "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like  the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New  York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire  the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the  government official.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2tfg/three_contractors_are_bidding_to_fix_a_broken/
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A cowboy walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to an attractive woman. Wanting to impress her, he tells her “So, I’m a cowboy.”
“That’s nice, but I’ve always been much more of a dog person.”she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2scw/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.

But they’re a solid #2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2s1x/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite_kind_of_jokes/
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Everyone bad mouths my friend Joe.

They keep calling him average and sloppy for some reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2p4d/everyone_bad_mouths_my_friend_joe/
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Historians believe circumcision likely ensured the survival of the Jewish people.

Its been found Jewish women can't say no to anything that's 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2mim/historians_believe_circumcision_likely_ensured/
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Did you hear about the new movie constipation?

It hasn’t come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2kr1/did_you_hear_about_the_new_movie_constipation/
%
My wife thinks I have no sense of direction

So I packed my stuff and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2ize/my_wife_thinks_i_have_no_sense_of_direction/
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My parents said I would never amount to anything if I keep procrastinating

I told them, “just wait”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2ik8/my_parents_said_i_would_never_amount_to_anything/
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So my 1st wife....

.... died from eating poisonous mushrooms.
My 2nd wife also died from eating poisonous mushrooms.
My 3rd wife died from a cracked skull. Bitch wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2fgv/so_my_1st_wife/
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Stirring the Sauce

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs."Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest ! What should I do ?"
The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, "Hair on his chest ? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother:"Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?”The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: "Hair on his legs? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs:"Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half! What should I do?"
The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says:
"A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I'll go upstairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2dzz/stirring_the_sauce/
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People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me...

This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2cmb/people_that_cheat_on_their_taxes_truly_disgust_me/
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What do gay horses eat?

Dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2a59/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
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Why did the King take a second job as a bartender?

When it reigns it pours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca268q/why_did_the_king_take_a_second_job_as_a_bartender/
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A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca25uh/a_boy_is_about_to_be_sentenced_for_killing_his/
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During lunch break on a high rise construction site....

...Dave says, "Hey Daryl tell the crew how you made a fast $50 this morning!"
"It was weird!", says Daryl. "I was on the 23rd floor and bumped a brick off the edge, I immediately yelled out "FALLING BRICK!!!. There was a lady standing at the bus stop below, she heard me, stepped to the side and the brick crashed to the ground right where she'd been standing!"
"So what's the deal with the $50?", one of the others asked.
Daryl says, "So I go down there to apologise, fully expecting to get an earfull from her and she gives me the fifty for saving her life!"
This gets the crew excited at the idea that maybe they could do this as a money maker and if they were careful, no one would get hurt!
Then Larry pipes up, "C-c-c-can I do-d-d-do the f-f-f-first wa-wa-wa-wa-one?"
The crew ums and awws and tries to give Larry a good reason why he shouldn't do it, but he's very insistent - "P-p-p-p-please!"
Finally Dave says, "OK Larry, but you have to be really, really careful!"
"D-d-d-don't worry D-d-d-d-Dave, I wi-wi-wi-will!"
So they all gather around the edge on the 23rd floor and Larry is as good as his extended words. He takes a long time, carefully positioning the brick until he's absolutely ready.
He takes a deep breath, releases the brick and yells, "F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-Fuck that must have hurt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca217c/during_lunch_break_on_a_high_rise_construction/
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Every time I recite the alphabet, I skip the letter "N."

That's just my MO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca2162/every_time_i_recite_the_alphabet_i_skip_the/
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Why are orphans unable to play baseball?

They’ve never known where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca1sa9/why_are_orphans_unable_to_play_baseball/
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My wife asked if I could hand her her lipstick, I gave her a glue stick accidentally

She’s still not talking to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca1ryp/my_wife_asked_if_i_could_hand_her_her_lipstick_i/
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How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca1mj1/how_many_friend_zoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
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What's God's favorite chord?

Gsus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca1gy2/whats_gods_favorite_chord/
%
A blonde is participating in a gameshow

The host asks the blonde what 2+2 is.
"3" yells the blonde.
"I'm afraid that's the wrong answer" replies the host.
The whole crowd yells in unison: "give her another chance, give her another chance!"
The host says: "ok I'll give you another try: what's 2+2?"
The blonde this time says: "5".
The host is disappointed again and the crowd again yells: "give her another chance, give her another chance!"
The host then says: "last try: what's 2+2?"
This time the blonde says 4 and the crowd claps except for one blonde in the audience.
She screams: "give her another chance, give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca1gbt/a_blonde_is_participating_in_a_gameshow/
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Why is the music better in South Korea than North Korea?

Because South Korea has Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca1f4w/why_is_the_music_better_in_south_korea_than_north/
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Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?

Hedgehog: No

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca1enw/me_can_i_have_a_turn_in_the_hedge_now/
%
Did you hear about the midget who got pickpocketed?

How could they stoop so low?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca1ed7/did_you_hear_about_the_midget_who_got_pickpocketed/
%
My girlfriend texted me that we were breaking up.

I was relieved when she said, “Sorry, wrong number.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca1d85/my_girlfriend_texted_me_that_we_were_breaking_up/
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My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish

She would dress up like herself and act like a fuckin raging bitch all the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca1d5w/my_ex_girlfriend_had_a_really_weird_fetish/
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What did the Nazi dentist say on reddit?

Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca1c1c/what_did_the_nazi_dentist_say_on_reddit/
%
What do you call a muscular Arab?

A protein sheikh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca17oy/what_do_you_call_a_muscular_arab/
%
I just made this up!

What did the high sandwich say when it came out of the oven?
Im baaaaked
This was stupid, bye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca169o/i_just_made_this_up/
%
Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredible!"
"I'm glad you like the idea, but it doesn't come cheap." The Lord replied. "It will cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," Adam said. "What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca15tm/because_it_wasnt_good_for_adam_to_be_all_by/
%
A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the \*\*best weed in the world\*\*. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs down the tree and goes to the river to get a drink. Because lizard was high he trips and falls in the river. An alligator spots him and helps him to the shore, and asks what is wrong with him. The lizard, right before passing out, tells the alligator about the monkey and the \*\*best weed in the world\*\*. The alligator decides to check this stuff out and goes where the monkey was. He spots the monkey and shouts, "HEY! MONKEY!" The monkey's eyes go wide as he spots the alligator, and then he says...."WHAAAAT THE FUCCCKKKK BROOOO! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK??!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca15ki/a_monkey_was_smoking_weed/
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Why didn’t the girl having sex with the vampire become pregnant

Because he wasn’t invited to come inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca150r/why_didnt_the_girl_having_sex_with_the_vampire/
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A young cowboy walks into the saloon in a rough and dusty Western town in Texas.

He sits at the counter, and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chowder.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, do ya mind if I do?”
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, go ahead”.
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chowder back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca14q5/a_young_cowboy_walks_into_the_saloon_in_a_rough/
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If a wedding goes off without a hitch, did anyone get married?

It's my cake day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca1404/if_a_wedding_goes_off_without_a_hitch_did_anyone/
%
Why’s billy in the hospital?

“Well he said the only food that could make you cry was an onion..”
“And?”
“So, I threw a watermelon hat his head”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca137r/whys_billy_in_the_hospital/
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I had sex in the carpool lane...

Now I'm HOV Positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca0yxd/i_had_sex_in_the_carpool_lane/
%
A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales. The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him. So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales.

The man says, “Let me tell you a story…. One day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says, ‘Get off your horse.’
Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse. Then he says, ‘Now drop your pants.’ Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I take off my pants.
Then he says, ‘Now shit.’ Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I shit. Then he says, ‘Now eat it.’ Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I eat it.
Now, Two Guns is laughing so hard, he drops his guns! I grab them! Now I say, ‘Drop your pants.’ Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He drops his pants.
Then I say, ‘Now shit.’ Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He shits. Then I say, ‘Now eat it. ‘ Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He eats it.
So when you ask me if I know a man named Two Guns Gonzales, the answer is yes: I had lunch with him last week.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca0xy1/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_one_day_and_asks_the/
%
Three kids and a mom are having a conversation

1st child: mom, why did you name me Lilly?
Mom: because when I was walking out of the hospital with you, a lily flower pedal landed on your head.
2nd child: why did you name me rose?
Mom: because when I was walking out of the hospital with you, a rose pedal landed on your head
Third child: didhdhsbsufbdbshdbd
Mom: shut up brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca0uzq/three_kids_and_a_mom_are_having_a_conversation/
%
Why should stone masons not be given a lot of money/materials to work with?

They take too much for granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca0ta5/why_should_stone_masons_not_be_given_a_lot_of/
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In a job interview, the interviewer said: It says here you can calculate large numbers quickly.

Applicant: That's right.
Interviewer: What's 250 times 467?
Applicant: 546320
Interviewer: That's wrong.
Applicant: How about that speed though?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca0m9p/in_a_job_interview_the_interviewer_said_it_says/
%
I attended many weddings in the past within my extended family.

At the reception, the old folks always came to me telling: "You're next! You're next!"
This suddenly stopped after I started doing the same at funeral services.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca0hgv/i_attended_many_weddings_in_the_past_within_my/
%
Why didn’t the number 4 go skydiving?

Because he’s two squared

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca0ado/why_didnt_the_number_4_go_skydiving/
%
Did you know there used to be a van in the painting “Starry Night”?

Where did the Van Gogh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca07nq/did_you_know_there_used_to_be_a_van_in_the/
%
What noise does a French police car make?

Oui u oui u oui u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca05ws/what_noise_does_a_french_police_car_make/
%
What’s the difference between Tiger Woods’s golf ball and his SUV?

He can drive his golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca05qm/whats_the_difference_between_tiger_woodss_golf/
%
just witnessed a chicken try and pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,

ImPeck-able

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ca00vb/just_witnessed_a_chicken_try_and_pick_up_a_piece/
%
My blackbelt karate teacher has honed his skill of painting high ranking military officials for years

Now he is a master of marshal arts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9zvft/my_blackbelt_karate_teacher_has_honed_his_skill/
%
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.

Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9zppa/i_got_chased_by_a_mugger_the_other_day_trying_to/
%
Where do bears shit in the woods?

I don’t know, but apparently they use Charmin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9zomm/where_do_bears_shit_in_the_woods/
%
Judge: why did you kill your wife after 30 years of marriage?

Defendant: procrastination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9zoij/judge_why_did_you_kill_your_wife_after_30_years/
%
Why do we keep making pennies when the cost to make them is more than their value?

It just doesn't make cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9zmcm/why_do_we_keep_making_pennies_when_the_cost_to/
%
What does Princess Leia have in common with Jason Derulo?

They’re both Ridin’ Solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9zlig/what_does_princess_leia_have_in_common_with_jason/
%
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.

The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9zkzp/a_construction_worker_walks_into_a_bar_with_a/
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What do you call a 4 year old unvaccinated child throwing a tantrum

Midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9zkii/what_do_you_call_a_4_year_old_unvaccinated_child/
%
A blonde attended a sledding race in Alaska.

She stood near another woman as the race began. "There is nothing sexier than a man in a doggy-sled race," she said, biting her lip.
"Iditarod," the woman corrected her.
The blond scoffed. "Well, I've used a cucumber before, but this still turns me on more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9zjzt/a_blonde_attended_a_sledding_race_in_alaska/
%
How does a duck fart?

With his ass quack!
Courtesy of my wife's random work colleagues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9zgxm/how_does_a_duck_fart/
%
Why potato ding dong?

Godzilla!  (Can someone explain this to me?  My 8-year-old told it to me and was really proud of it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9zczi/why_potato_ding_dong/
%
A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead were stranded in a island.

A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead were stranded in a island 50 miles away from land.
They all decided that they would swim to land.
The Brunette swims 13 miles and drowns.
The Redhead swims 26 miles and drowns.
The Blonde swims 25 miles gets tired and swims back to the island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9zbtb/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_were_stranded_in/
%
we’ll we’ll we’ll...

...if it isn’t autocorrect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9z9gb/well_well_well/
%
A blind woman asked me out last night.

I said to her ‘Sorry,i am seeing someone’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9z5q6/a_blind_woman_asked_me_out_last_night/
%
What did the Theta sign say to the number 8?

Why's your belt so tight?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9z2tf/what_did_the_theta_sign_say_to_the_number_8/
%
I just had a photo taken with REM...

That’s me in the corner!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9yt48/i_just_had_a_photo_taken_with_rem/
%
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9yo45/a_woman_who_is_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a/
%
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.

I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ylho/my_investment_banker_used_all_of_my_money_to_buy/
%
What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9yiyh/what_did_0_say_to_8/
%
What do you call it when a garden shed supports the Nazi movement?

The Third Rake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9yfz0/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_garden_shed_supports/
%
I treat everyday like I'm running a marathon tomorrow...

I rest, don't run and load up on carbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ydr4/i_treat_everyday_like_im_running_a_marathon/
%
In two weeks I Masters Ninjitsu, Karate, Judo...

And two other Japanese words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9yd8c/in_two_weeks_i_masters_ninjitsu_karate_judo/
%
A roman guy walks into a bar, lifts two fingers and says:

"I'll take five beers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9y8o0/a_roman_guy_walks_into_a_bar_lifts_two_fingers/
%
A drunk guy killed a cop then called 911

He said: "now you're 990"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9y6nu/a_drunk_guy_killed_a_cop_then_called_911/
%
A man sits down alone at a restaurant.

As soon as he sits down he sees a very attractive woman sitting across from him in the next booth. “Surely she is waiting for someone.” thought the man. “There is no way someone that attractive could be eating alone.”
Well the meal goes on and no one shows up to sit with the attractive woman. They had made some eye contact but never for long and the man was trying to get up the nerve to go talk to her. All of a sudden the woman sneeze and her glass eye comes shooting out of her head and bounces on the mans table and right into his hands.
Not really sure what to do the man walks over to the lady and offers her the glass eye back. Small talk soon turns into some engaging conversation. The man is thrilled! She eventually asks the man if he would want to go to a bar after they finish their meal and the man jumps at the chance to go.
They get to the bar and they are having a great time. Eventually the woman asks the man if he would want to dance. Of course the man says yes and they enjoy the dance floor and each other’s company.
After they had a wonderful time on the dance floor the woman invites the man back to her place for a night cap and the man stays the night.
He wakes up and is lying next to the beautiful woman who slowly stirs awake. The man just stared at the beautiful woman and wondered how he got so lucky. Out of curiosity he eventually asks the girl “why me?”
“Oh” said the attractive woman. “That’s easy, you were just the first one to catch my eye.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9y6c5/a_man_sits_down_alone_at_a_restaurant/
%
Puns make me feel numb

Math puns make me feel number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9xyu4/puns_make_me_feel_numb/
%
Teacher: Ok, I'm going to take attendance

Teacher: Alright, is Jeff here?
Jeff: Yes!
Teacher: And Geoff?
Geoff: Yeos!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9xwzu/teacher_ok_im_going_to_take_attendance/
%
What did the religious salad say?

Lettuce pray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9xmki/what_did_the_religious_salad_say/
%
I was talking to a couple of 20 year olds

I was talking to couple of 20 year olds the other day and called them "hipsters." They got pretty upset.
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9xmkf/i_was_talking_to_a_couple_of_20_year_olds/
%
Why is honey good for you?

It's full of vitamin bee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9xlz4/why_is_honey_good_for_you/
%
My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin

It's what he would have wanted...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9xktb/my_friend_dave_drowned_yesterday_we_placed_a_life/
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What do you call an Amish man with his hand up a horses ass?

A mechanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9xfd1/what_do_you_call_an_amish_man_with_his_hand_up_a/
%
What do you call the pigs that live next to horses?

Neigh Boars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9xcp3/what_do_you_call_the_pigs_that_live_next_to_horses/
%
A young man wakes up in a hospital.

He sees an older genteleman, standing by his bed, who asks him "How tall are you, son?"
The man replies " Five foot ten, doctor"
The older man, looking confused, says "Oh, I'm not the doctor, I'm the carpenter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9x8fd/a_young_man_wakes_up_in_a_hospital/
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How does a blind person know when they're finished wiping their butt?

I don't know. They can't see shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9wyv5/how_does_a_blind_person_know_when_theyre_finished/
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The English Women's world cup team visited an orphanage. "They looked helpless. They had a lack of hope in their eyes...."

said Aurora , age 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9wwx0/the_english_womens_world_cup_team_visited_an/
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Man: Doctor, I accidentally swallowed one of those “Do not Eat” silica packets. Am I going to die?

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.
Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9wv94/man_doctor_i_accidentally_swallowed_one_of_those/
%
An ageing maple and a gnarled oak were standing on the crest of a hill overlooking a verdant glen.

"You see that young sapling down there," said the oak. "I'm thinking it's a son of a birch."
"No," said the maple. "I'd wager it's a son of a beech."
Just then a ruddy woodpecker landed on a branch nearby.
"Hey Woody," said the maple. "Would you do us a favour and fly down to that young sapling and tell us if it's a son of a birch or a son of a beech."
The bird flies down and a few minutes later comes back. "You're both wrong," he said. "That is the finest piece of ash this old pecker's gotten into in a long time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9wti0/an_ageing_maple_and_a_gnarled_oak_were_standing/
%
My pen can write underwater

and many other words as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9wsmh/my_pen_can_write_underwater/
%
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

So I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy asked was to rearrange the letters "PNEIS" into the name of "an important human body part which is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "SPINE" are now doctors.
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9whey/years_ago_i_decided_i_wanted_to_be_a_doctor/
%
The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9wh3b/the_surgeon_tells_a_patient_who_needs_a_heart/
%
How often can you joke about chemistry?

periodically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9wg2i/how_often_can_you_joke_about_chemistry/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender...

I’d have two dollars and a hundred counterfeits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9wf75/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
How do you make a waterbed bouncier?

Fill it with spring water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9wf42/how_do_you_make_a_waterbed_bouncier/
%
Being a member of the LGBTQ+ community is completely normal.

And I would never make a joke about such a straight thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9wcqf/being_a_member_of_the_lgbtq_community_is/
%
How can you tell you are an 80's kid?

When you are Rick rolled and go "Hey, I love this song!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9w983/how_can_you_tell_you_are_an_80s_kid/
%
a man named his son Rock Bottom

he ends up in jail a few years later for domestic abuse. his wife visits him and asks him through tears: “What happened? Why are you here?” The husband says: “I’ve hit Rock Bottom”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9w0kx/a_man_named_his_son_rock_bottom/
%
A soldier ran up to a nun

Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to war to Syria. .
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a  pair of balls....I don't want to go to Syria either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9vpmj/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
%
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife...

But she figured out I was only after my money!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9vm0n/i_tried_to_remarry_my_exwife/
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Why couldn’t the transgender find his parents?

Because they were trans-parents.
Transgender kid* sorry don’t know how to edit the title.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9vl6g/why_couldnt_the_transgender_find_his_parents/
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Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?

Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant.  Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9vkjr/wife_why_dont_you_treat_me_like_when_i_was_your/
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A man decided to commit suicide.

His life was worsening as days passed, as well as his emotional state. Underpayed job, failed relationship, no friends, and the only thing keeping him from suicide was his dog, who fell extremely ill and vets confirmed that they cant cure it. The man goes to a swamp, and decides to drown himself, as he wentured deeper in the swamp to find a suitable place, he met a frog.
The frog asked, “What are you doing here?”
“I am about to drown myself”, the man replied.
The frog asked him why, and the man told her the story of his life. “Go home and everything will be ok,” the frog said. Man hesitated for a minute and decided to go home and check things out, as he never seen a talking frog he decided that he could postpone his suicide. When he got home he noticed that his wife was loving him, prepared a delicios dinner for him, and was happy around him. His dog was fully cured and running around with happiness. When he got to work, the next day, he found himself at a new position, with higher sallary, and was well-respected in the office.
One month passed. His life was slowly going worse and worse so he decided to go kill himself again, he goes to the same swamp and the moment he was about to jump in a boggy lake, the frog appeart before him, and asked “What are you doing here?”
”To kill myself, my life is as bad as it has been a month ago,” the man replied.
“Go home and everything will be ok,” the frog said.
The man decided to trust the frog again and went home, he found himself in a best loving family he has ever been in, and was happy again. Things were going great in the office and his dog was fine.
One month passed, by that time man's wife had left him, he got fired, and his dog died, thinking he failed so much no frog can help him this time, he decided to go to a lake and drown himself. As he was diving in the water the frog magically stopped him and put him back at the bank, following with the questrion, “What are you doing here?”
The man told her the story, the frog hesitated for a second and said “Go home and everything will be ok”
The man got home, his wife was back, dog was alive, and he got an invitation to work for a well-respected company with a decent wage. The man thought he was dreaming and realised, that this frog has done so much for him, that he has to pay her back somehow, he goes to a swamp again, the frog appears before him and says, “What are you doing here?”
The man explains to a frog that she has done so much for him he cant just leave the swamp withough paying her back. The frog thought for a minute and said, “Fuck me!”
At the same exact moment the frog turned into a 12 year old boy, im telling you officer, thats exactly how it all happened, you have to believe me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9vjhp/a_man_decided_to_commit_suicide/
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I have a joke about procrastination

I’ll tell you it later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9vev0/i_have_a_joke_about_procrastination/
%
The word Boob is actually a diagram.

B (top view)  oo (front view)  b side view.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9vcow/the_word_boob_is_actually_a_diagram/
%
Why Ironman and why not Fe-male?

Do not spoil the answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9urqv/why_ironman_and_why_not_female/
%
Robin: The Batmobile isn't working.

Batman: Have you checked the battery?
Robin: Tery what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9uosl/robin_the_batmobile_isnt_working/
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Cigarette umbrella

Betty & Agnes are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Betty pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. ​
Agnes: What the hell is that?
Betty: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don't get wet.
Agnes: Where'd you get that at?
Betty: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road.
​
The next day, Agnes hobbles her way down to the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist looks at her strangely (as she is 85 years old), but very delicately asks what size, texture, and brand condom she prefers. ​
Agnes exclaims, "Doesn't matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!" ​

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9unjf/cigarette_umbrella/
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Guess what happened when the rockstar threw feces at the audience.

The shit hit the fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9um6n/guess_what_happened_when_the_rockstar_threw_feces/
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So two gay deer walk out of a bar.

One says to the other “I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9uinf/so_two_gay_deer_walk_out_of_a_bar/
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What do you call a female rapper?

38 Cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9uiad/what_do_you_call_a_female_rapper/
%
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV.

After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.
A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said.
A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9uei8/a_man_walked_into_a_cowboy_bar_and_ordered_a_beer/
%
I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9u9ke/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_computer/
%
Just got in anonymous alcoholic club,

Its been four days im getting drunk with strangers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9u8ik/just_got_in_anonymous_alcoholic_club/
%
Fortunately the California earthquakes were a bit out in the desert so not many people got hurt.

But a few snakes were rattled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9u87r/fortunately_the_california_earthquakes_were_a_bit/
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Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: (holding cup) Do it to my tea
Magician: (waves hand) Done
om: It didn’t work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9u61a/magician_i_can_make_anything_disappear/
%
Is kidnapping legal?

Me: kidnapping I prefer the term surprise adoption
Police: what crack are you on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9tybe/is_kidnapping_legal/
%
So I was playing one of the old fallout games

I think it's rad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9tw5o/so_i_was_playing_one_of_the_old_fallout_games/
%
I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9tu65/im_trying_to_get_rid_of_my_bike_it_doesnt_have_a/
%
A Politician, Sexual Predator and Criminal walk into a bar

Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9tpgp/a_politician_sexual_predator_and_criminal_walk/
%
Why shouldn’t you go near big trees?

They’re really shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9tpd7/why_shouldnt_you_go_near_big_trees/
%
So she's the marrying kind

On a recent flight from New York to Seattle an elderly lady stands up and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her, "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies, "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9tp3g/so_shes_the_marrying_kind/
%
Today I lost my sense of humour

It's not funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9tom4/today_i_lost_my_sense_of_humour/
%
Every time you get dressed, remember:

If you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9tmvp/every_time_you_get_dressed_remember/
%
What would happen if two African countries get in a war?

A 3rd World War.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9tim1/what_would_happen_if_two_african_countries_get_in/
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[Long?] A kid in a warzone was being taught reading in school. Since they were learning the "-omb" sound, the teacher showed a picture of an Egyptian tomb.

"Toom," the teacher said. The kid repeated.
Next the teacher pulled out a science textbook, and pointed to a mother's womb.
"Woom," the teacher said. The kid repeated this again.
Suddenly a man walked in with a bomb.
"BOOM" yelled the kid excitedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9tfch/long_a_kid_in_a_warzone_was_being_taught_reading/
%
While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife...

He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is.
He asks the guy, "Are you lost, buddy?" The guy says, "Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."
"What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap wife details so if we see each other's better half, we can let them know the other is looking for her."
"Great idea, I'll go first. My wife is about 5' 10" with long blonde hair and ridiculously long legs, which will be easy see because she's wearing a tiny leather miniskirt and stilettos. Not that you'll notice any of that with her boobs busting out of her tube top like they do. So what's your wife look like?"
"Aww, nevermind my wife, let's look for yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9tcnp/while_shopping_in_a_huge_suburban_mall_a_man_gets/
%
I am gay?

Something inside me says yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9tay0/i_am_gay/
%
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9tawz/courtesy_of_my_youngest_child_why_didnt_elsa_see/
%
When God closes a door, he opens a window.

My electric bill is through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9t9d5/when_god_closes_a_door_he_opens_a_window/
%
Glans

There has been a study at Cambridge University to determine why men have a knob (glans) on the end of of their dicks.
They spent £1.000.000 and announced that it is there to give women pleasure.
When Oxford uni saw this they did some research, cost £2.000.000 and determined that it is to give men pleasure.
Brighton Uni spent £50.00 and said it is there to stop your hand slipping off the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9t924/glans/
%
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and explained:"I'm going to give you some suppositories.
I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository.
She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,
"Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.
"No... I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9t7z6/a_man_was_constipated_so_he_decided_to_go_to_the/
%
New Harley-Davidson

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not have the extra money, and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet.
The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains - and everything will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointment time, he picks her up on his new Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word....... Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her on the table and makes love to her in front of everyone. And no one says a word..... Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder relations. Yet no one says a word..... By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance.
His first thought is to protect the chrome on his new Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says
"Never mind! I'll do the dishes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9t7y7/new_harleydavidson/
%
The 200m sprint world record for 100+ years old people has been improved today!

It is now 163m.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9t700/the_200m_sprint_world_record_for_100_years_old/
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Me and a dyslexic are sitting in a tree...

K. S. I. S. I. N. G.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9styn/me_and_a_dyslexic_are_sitting_in_a_tree/
%
Cut me in half and you get

M/e

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9stqi/cut_me_in_half_and_you_get/
%
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget...

Because elephants never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9sscb/call_a_girl_beautiful_1000_times_and_she_wont/
%
Two peanuts walk in an alleyway,

one was a salted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9sr9j/two_peanuts_walk_in_an_alleyway/
%
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day ...

Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9sqlu/give_a_man_a_fish_and_youll_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
How many students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but they'll leave it till last minute to Turnitin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9so3n/how_many_students_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

HAND EEEEEEEEEEEEYEEEEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9slak/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
%
What did the Swiss man do after working 35 years as a Pepsi taste tester?

Peeecolaaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9scdm/what_did_the_swiss_man_do_after_working_35_years/
%
A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.

He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9s9d1/a_deaf_mute_walks_into_pharmacy_to_buy_condoms/
%
How much room does it take for fungi to grow?

As Mushroom as possible!
Not Mine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9s8e6/how_much_room_does_it_take_for_fungi_to_grow/
%
A time-traveler arrives in the middle of a medieval european war...

Clueless about his whereabouts and the year he’s in, he follows a few soldiers in the middle of a siege to ask them.
“Do you know where we are?” the time-traveler asked.
“We’re in Cambrai !” One of them replied
“And do you know what year it is ?”
“ 1339, why do you ask ?” answered a swordsman.
“1339 in Cambrai? Oh boy ! I’m at the beginning of the Hundred Years’ War !”
The soldiers stopped and looked at the time-traveler in confusion...
“How much did you say ?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9s5wo/a_timetraveler_arrives_in_the_middle_of_a/
%
There was a substitute teacher that was replacing his friend in a rural school.

So the teacher came in and introduced himself. He asked the pupils to introduce themselves and tell the class what is their hobby.
He pointed a kid and asked him the question. He stood up and responded "Hi, my name is Andrew and I love to fish at the lake while watching sunset." The teacher nodded and allowed him to sit down.
He pointed to another kid and asked him the same question. He stood up and responded "Hi, my name is Tommy and I love to eat at the lake while watching sunset." The teacher nodded with visible confusion, but alas, he allowed the kid to sit back down.
He pointed to the kid next to him and asked the same question. He stood up and responded "Hi, my name is Alan and I love to lay down at the lake while watching sunset." When the third kid was done giving a somehow identical sounding answer as the previous 2. The teacher points to a girl and asked her the same question with the hope she wouldn't gave the teacher an identical answer. She stood up and responded "Hi my name is Sunset and I love to bathe at the lake"
The teacher simply responded "Oh my my."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9s4vu/there_was_a_substitute_teacher_that_was_replacing/
%
An 80yr old couple go to the doctors for a routine check up.

The doctor comes back with the results and says "Physically you are both fit as fiddles for your age. However mentally you are both beginning to lose it a bit. My suggestion for now is write things down when you think of them, that way you can keep on top of your to-do's".
So they go home, relatively happy. As they are relaxing in the living room watching TV, the man gets up and walks towards the kitchen. He turns to his wife and asks "Would you like anything from the kitchen dear".
She replies "Oo yes please, can I have some ice cream?"
"Sure thing" says the husband.
"Dont you think you should follow the doctors advice and write it down?" Asks the wife.
"Nah I'll remember it honey" he says.
"But I'd like strawberries with it too"
"Okay" he says "but I dont need to write it down, I'll remember it"
The wife says "but I'd also like whipped cream with it too".
"Yep, not a problem" he says.
"Are you sure you don't want to write this down?" She asks, concerned.
"I'll remember it all, don't you worry" he replies and goes into the kitchen.
He's in the kitchen for a good 20 minutes and just as the wife starts to wonder what hes doing, he comes through the door with a plate of sausages, bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate with a mixture of confusion and annoyance. She then looks at him, frowns and says "where's my toast?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9s47g/an_80yr_old_couple_go_to_the_doctors_for_a/
%
What did the sick trebuchet say?

I am about to throw up
*if you don't know what a trebuchet is then google it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9s3r5/what_did_the_sick_trebuchet_say/
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Im fat but i identify as skinny

Im trans-slender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9s3op/im_fat_but_i_identify_as_skinny/
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A city doctor is deployed in a tribal area.

After six months of serving there,he is sexually deprived. He finally opens up to a villager he had befriended.
he asks, "Here aren't any women. How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
One man says, "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.
Finally the doctor is done, shoots six months of load....and is trying to catch his breath, all sweating.
The man ask, " Now that you're done, doc, can we please head to the village of women?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9s1zs/a_city_doctor_is_deployed_in_a_tribal_area/
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I was raped in jail today.

My family take Monopoly way too seriously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9s1k7/i_was_raped_in_jail_today/
%
Those of you who are here for /r/Jokes weekly yodeling lesson...

...please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ryyo/those_of_you_who_are_here_for_rjokes_weekly/
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All you need to do is

add an 's' after
"doesn't it"
and it becomes 12x better
>!Dozen tits!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9rvm5/all_you_need_to_do_is/
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Three guys were standing on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The first said: "You know, the wind currents here in New York are so strong that you could step off the edge of this building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current"
"You're crazy", said the second guy.
"You don't believe me?", said the first. "Watch this"
And with that, the first guy stepped off the edge of Empire State Building, floated around in mid-air for 30 seconds and returned safely to the roof.
"That was amazing", said the second guy. "I've got to try that."
And so the second guy stepped off the roof. But instead of floating, he dropped like a stone to the street more than 1000 feet below. Seeing this, the third guy, who remained silent until then, turned to the first guy and said: "You know something, there are times when you can be a real asshole, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9rusp/three_guys_were_standing_on_the_roof_of_the/
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James is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Lucas, comes in to pee. He slyly looks over and is shocked at how supersize Lucas penis is. He can’t help himself, and asks him what his secret is.

“Well,” says Lucas, “every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bed three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”
James was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bed.
His wife, half-asleep, said, “Lucas? Is that you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9rtr3/james_is_in_the_bathroom_shaving_when_the_kid_he/
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Never kiss a bird

You might end up with chripes. Which is a canareal disease, that isn't tweetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9rhix/never_kiss_a_bird/
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A good nickname for Donald Trump would be "Slinky"

He serves no real purpose but it would make me smile to push him down some stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9rfam/a_good_nickname_for_donald_trump_would_be_slinky/
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You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye

I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9rekr/you_serve_alcohol_at_a_party_no_one_bats_an_eye/
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Just A Little Gas

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.
"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."
A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly.
"Oh, just a bit of gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit.
On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9refd/just_a_little_gas/
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A hero made of dough wasn't the hero we wanted...

He was the hero we kneaded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9re9o/a_hero_made_of_dough_wasnt_the_hero_we_wanted/
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You: Bastard

Me: you just did
You: I’m not going to do that
Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9r7js/you_bastard/
%
Man visits doctor.

Doctor: What's your problem?
Man: Nobody believes a word I say.
Doctor: Tell me what's your REAL problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9r5ue/man_visits_doctor/
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Two dumb blondes are chatting about their latest sexual adventures

Blonde 1: Last weekend I had sex with 2 Mexican guys at the same time.
Blonde 2: Oh yeah? Last weekend I had sex with a Brazilian!
Blonde 1: (completely in shock) Holy shit! How many is a Brazillion?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9qzsi/two_dumb_blondes_are_chatting_about_their_latest/
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Why was "ten" always scared?

Because he was in the middle of 9-11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9qwcv/why_was_ten_always_scared/
%
I wasn't always a Flat Earther. In fact, I used to believe the Earth was round...

...until your mom sat on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9qu2x/i_wasnt_always_a_flat_earther_in_fact_i_used_to/
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I was having sex with my girlfriend while watching tv, she suddenly says "wrong hole!!" I tell her, no im pretty sure its a winning hole

we were watching golf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9qso2/i_was_having_sex_with_my_girlfriend_while/
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My wife asked me to stop singing “I’m a believer” by The Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9qrz5/my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_singing_im_a_believer_by/
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I tried wookie meat

It was chewy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9qqtm/i_tried_wookie_meat/
%
Where do the senior army officials buy stuff? A: The General store

Why are the young recruits sexually active? A: They have Private parts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9qmm5/where_do_the_senior_army_officials_buy_stuff_a/
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A man is walking home late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:
BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER… FASTER…
BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...
Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP…
…on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…
and...
The coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9qk8r/a_man_is_walking_home_late_one_foggy_night/
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You: Bastard

Me: You just did
You: I’m not gonna do that
Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9qk0g/you_bastard/
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I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can not handle their alcohol.

Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9qei8/im_so_sick_and_tired_of_my_friends_who_can_not/
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My school has become an academy; it's sponsored by IKEA.

Lessons are ok, but morning assembly takes ages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9qdae/my_school_has_become_an_academy_its_sponsored_by/
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A man goes into a bar alone every Saturday

He asks the bartender for three beers every time. And every time he takes one swig from every bottle in order.
When the bartender asks him why he doesn’t just drink the first bottle all at once, the man replies, “I have two brothers who live out of state, and we said we’d always drink together. These two are for them.”
One Saturday, however, he comes in and orders two beers. The bartender comes up to him and says, “I don’t mean to intrude, but I give you my condolences.”
The man looks confused, “Why?”
The bartender replies, “Well, you only ordered two beers this time.”
“Oh, my wife said she wants me to stop drinking, so my brothers are drinking without me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9qcob/a_man_goes_into_a_bar_alone_every_saturday/
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For the first time ever I don't have pee in my pants.

I love having dry ants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9q5gk/for_the_first_time_ever_i_dont_have_pee_in_my/
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How did the pharaoh get so rich?

He was running a huge pyramid scheme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9q1u0/how_did_the_pharaoh_get_so_rich/
%
Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9pzoy/donald_trump_doesnt_believe_in_global_warming/
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Why could the god of thunder not speak well after he got his wisdom teeth pulled...

Because he was too Thor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9pxyz/why_could_the_god_of_thunder_not_speak_well_after/
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What’s the difference between In-laws and out-laws

Out-laws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9pq8l/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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A penguin was taking a summer road trip...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip in the American Southwest when his car broke down and he got a tow to the nearest shop. The mechanic told him it would take an hour to check his car, so the penguin waddled across the street to an ice cream shop and ordered a vanilla cone, which he made a huge mess of, because flippers. After an hour had passed he waddled back to the auto shop. Mechanic said "Welp, looks like you blew a seal", the penguin said "No that's just ice cream".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9poqp/a_penguin_was_taking_a_summer_road_trip/
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Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9pmeu/did_you_hear_about_the_math_teacher_whos_afraid/
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I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9pjct/i_keep_hearing_people_say_these_socal_earthquakes/
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What do you call it when a butterfly rules over a kingdom?

A monarchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9pire/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_butterfly_rules_over_a/
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And god said to John, come forth and you will be granted eternal life

John came fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9pig5/and_god_said_to_john_come_forth_and_you_will_be/
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What do you call a black man flying an airplane

A pilot you racist fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9p9du/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_flying_an_airplane/
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What's your favorite type of shake?

Chocolate, vanilla, or Parkinson's?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9p1gw/whats_your_favorite_type_of_shake/
%
My crush just messaged me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9p0ky/my_crush_just_messaged_me/
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I used to be very indecisive

Now I'm not so sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9p05k/i_used_to_be_very_indecisive/
%
Life without geometry

would be pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ower/life_without_geometry/
%
My wife left me because I'm way too insecure...

No, wait. She's back. She just went to make some coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9opnp/my_wife_left_me_because_im_way_too_insecure/
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I have spent the last 2 years looking for my ex gf's killer...

But no one will do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9op75/i_have_spent_the_last_2_years_looking_for_my_ex/
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Did you hear about the new pill that's going up against Viagra?

The competition is stiff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9oof2/did_you_hear_about_the_new_pill_thats_going_up/
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What's worse than waking up after a party with a penis drawn on your face?

Realizing it was traced...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9onbi/whats_worse_than_waking_up_after_a_party_with_a/
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What is it called when a man feels bad for squirting on a woman?

Cumpassion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9om9v/what_is_it_called_when_a_man_feels_bad_for/
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My crush just messaged me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9olr0/my_crush_just_messaged_me/
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They always say put i before e

I find that Weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9oll9/they_always_say_put_i_before_e/
%
I use to be an alcoholic

I still am but I use to be too.
One of my Mitch Hedberg favorites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9oig9/i_use_to_be_an_alcoholic/
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I wasn't very fond of the Flood from Halo.

But then they kinda grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9oiey/i_wasnt_very_fond_of_the_flood_from_halo/
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A pirate walks into a bar...

with steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender asked: "isn't it annoying having that steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate replied: "ARG! Drives me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9oh9v/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a person without a body or a nose?

Nobody knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9oh3k/what_do_you_call_a_person_without_a_body_or_a_nose/
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I've just got back from competing in the World Erection Championships! I did alright.....

.....I made it through to the semis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ocsq/ive_just_got_back_from_competing_in_the_world/
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What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

Where did you get that awesome belt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ocr7/what_did_the_number_0_say_to_the_number_8/
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You should always take TWO baptists fishing with you.

If you only take ONE he will drink all of your beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9o7t7/you_should_always_take_two_baptists_fishing_with/
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The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked."
Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9o5pa/the_old_cowhand_came_riding_into_town_on_a_hot/
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Ubisoft's has a new subsidiary that only makes adult games

It's call Illbhard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9o503/ubisofts_has_a_new_subsidiary_that_only_makes/
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Did you know that Hitler never said sorry to anybody in his entire life?

He didn't speak English.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9o2xw/did_you_know_that_hitler_never_said_sorry_to/
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Dad Joke #1

I got into an argument with the guy one farm over. He got so mad, he threw a rooster at me.
"Careful now" I said, "Them's fightin' birds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9o1tw/dad_joke_1/
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I know this is cheesy, but hear me out.

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: To get to the idiots house.
Me: Knock knock.
You: Who’s there?
Me: The chicken.
You: Fuck off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9nzwv/i_know_this_is_cheesy_but_hear_me_out/
%
Fireworks are like sex

Some people watch it
Weirdos video tape it
And  some people furiously masturbate to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9nwug/fireworks_are_like_sex/
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An old Russian communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all pensive somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,
"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."
"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.
The Communist then turns to another friend.
"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."
"No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven" says Petya.
"Kolya, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day."
"Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace" says Kolya.
"Thank you so much guys for being with me throughout all these years" says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon."
His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, gathers his last strength and says.
"And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass."
Just as his friends were about to say something, the old communist took his last breath and died.
So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting:
"Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9nudc/an_old_russian_communist_is_on_his_deathbed/
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One time I was telling jokes to my pacifist friend, but he didn't like any of them.

I guess he didn't like punchlines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ntkp/one_time_i_was_telling_jokes_to_my_pacifist/
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Why did the shipwrecked pirates get to eat cakes, cookies and pies when they washed up on shore?

It was a desserted island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9nth0/why_did_the_shipwrecked_pirates_get_to_eat_cakes/
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The police showed up at my door and claimed my dog chased a man down the street on a bike.

I told him to bug off. My dog doesn't have a bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9nrhr/the_police_showed_up_at_my_door_and_claimed_my/
%
Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)
So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he (Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing:
"If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of
town as fast as you can."
Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills
and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale.
Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it. Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.
He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, "Wait here til I get back!"
The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, "You pussycats stay here til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.
Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy klooked down over the bar and roared, "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?"
Fred managed to say, "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?" To which the fellow replied, "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here-Mad Martin's coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9npgn/once_upon_a_time_this_guy_named_fred_decided_that/
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Can beer make you smarter?

Well it made Bud wiser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9nosd/can_beer_make_you_smarter/
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Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree...

After a moment’s silence, the first blonde says to the other, “Wow, I think that’s the quickest we’ve ever got to the scene of an accident.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9noci/two_blonde_police_officers_crash_their_patrol_car/
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What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9necs/what_does_a_broken_thermometer_and_aids_have_in/
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I was gonna have my baby at the hospital down town but then all the nurses quit and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ncj8/i_was_gonna_have_my_baby_at_the_hospital_down/
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Promotion

Boss: Congratulations! I'm promoting you to manage our Montreal office!
Young man (disappointed): But sir! There's nothing up there but bar girls and hockey players.
Boss (now insulted): I'll have you know that MY MOTHER is from Montreal!
Young man (thinking fast): No kidding? What hockey team did she play on?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9n91x/promotion/
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Shipwrecked

A married couple were enjoying a luxury South Sea cruise until their liner was shipwrecked and they were washed ashore on a desert island, the only survivors.
Day after day, they looked hopefully out to sea in the hope of spotting a passing vessel but none came. As boredom set in, they started to think about their home back in Arizona.
The wife asked, “Did you remember to pay the final installment on the Chevrolet before we came away?”
“No, honey, I clean forgot. Sorry.”
”Did you remember to pay the electric bill before we left home?”
“No, I completely forgot. Sorry.”
”Did you remember to pay the gas bill?”
”Do you know, that slipped my mind, too. Sorry.”
“And did you remember to pay the six-monthly tax bill?”
”I knew there was something important I had to do. I’m really sorry honey.”
”Well, at least there’s one good thing,” sighed the wife.
“What’s that?”
”They’ll find us.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9n8fi/shipwrecked/
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My son’s math teacher called him average...

I just think he’s mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9n7y9/my_sons_math_teacher_called_him_average/
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You wife was a stripper and now teaches gardening classes...

Color me impressed...
I didn’t know you could lead a horticulture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9n76h/you_wife_was_a_stripper_and_now_teaches_gardening/
%
Overheard at the Community Swimming Pool

Lifeguard: Kowalski, you are officially banned from the pool.
Kowalski: Why is that?
Lifeguard: Because you pee in the pool.
Kowalski: But I'm not the only one.
Lifeguard: You are the only one who does it from the diving board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9n6g3/overheard_at_the_community_swimming_pool/
%
What’s the difference between you and a car?

A car is going places

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9n46s/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_a_car/
%
What did the poet Homer say after they made his poem,”The Iliad,” into a movie?

You guys Odyssey this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9n3ny/what_did_the_poet_homer_say_after_they_made_his/
%
A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9n3et/a_good_joke_should_have_unexpected_turns_cross_a/
%
An blobfish walks into 1 bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the saggy face?"
It became sad, so it decided to go to another bar. The blobfish is asked "Why the saggy face?" again, so it decides to go to another bar. However, the blobfish slowly began to return to normal. When he had already visited 15 bars, he was back to normal.
-----
**^Note:** ^bar ^as ^in ^atmospheric ^pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9n2m4/an_blobfish_walks_into_1_bar/
%
Smoking in the rain

Betty & Agnes are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Betty pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
​
Agnes: What the hell is that?
Betty: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don't get wet.
Agnes: Where'd you get that at?
Betty: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road.
​
The next day, Agnes hobbles her way down to the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist looks at her strangely (as she is 85 years old), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand condom she prefers.
​
Agnes exclaims, "Doesn't matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!"
​

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9mx6j/smoking_in_the_rain/
%
A guy on a speed date with a woman

Guy: Hello! I am John. Nice to meet you.
Girl: Nice to meet you too!! I am Jane. What do you do for a living, John?
Guy: I am an Astrophysicist.
Girl: OMG!! That's so cool. I am a Gemini..
(Happened in real life, so can't take credit for it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9mwi5/a_guy_on_a_speed_date_with_a_woman/
%
My phones been on 1% for the last 2 hours

I dont know when its going t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9mwfu/my_phones_been_on_1_for_the_last_2_hours/
%
Medical joke (short)

Scientists have found the gene that makes people shy. They found it hiding behind another gene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9mqwq/medical_joke_short/
%
I am a necrophiliac

It basically means I need even more tissues at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9mon7/i_am_a_necrophiliac/
%
What do you get when an hedgehog and a Snake make a child

Barbed wire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9mm5n/what_do_you_get_when_an_hedgehog_and_a_snake_make/
%
My friend once dared me to take a shit on electrified train tracks.

That was the last time I put my ass on the line for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9mj5i/my_friend_once_dared_me_to_take_a_shit_on/
%
It's traditional for many to hear "if you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing."

To tell you the truth, I think that rule is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9misv/its_traditional_for_many_to_hear_if_you_dont_have/
%
Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: Oh I see
Me: [SCREAMING INTENSIFIES]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9mgh5/me_im_terrified_of_random_letters/
%
A cop was interviewing a witness to a bank robbery...

Cop:  Did you see the robbers?
Witness:  Sort of.  There were three guys wearing ski masks and an elephant.
Cop:  An elephant?!
Witness:  Yeah, an elephant.
Cop:  Was it an African or Indian elephant?
Witness:  I didn't ask where it was from.
Cop:  No, African elephants have large ears, while Indian elephants are relatively small.  So, what type was it?
Witness:  How should I know?  It was wearing a ski mask, too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9mfrq/a_cop_was_interviewing_a_witness_to_a_bank_robbery/
%
I was trisexual in college.

I kept *trying* to be sexual but nobody was willing to help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9mdtj/i_was_trisexual_in_college/
%
What does a king call a vasectomy

An heir cut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9mazx/what_does_a_king_call_a_vasectomy/
%
A detective walks into a Sunglass Hut.

“I know a shady corporate business when I see one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9maoi/a_detective_walks_into_a_sunglass_hut/
%
How can you tell the difference between a construction worker and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9m46v/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a/
%
A tall woman and a short man broke-up

They couldn't see eye to eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9m18i/a_tall_woman_and_a_short_man_brokeup/
%
Scientists recently discovered something in the air that causes women to become pregnant -

Their legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9m0ay/scientists_recently_discovered_something_in_the/
%
Call a girl beautiful a thousand times and she won't think twice

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Cause elephants never forget!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9lzt3/call_a_girl_beautiful_a_thousand_times_and_she/
%
What did the RNA do when it got cold?

It put its codon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9lw5l/what_did_the_rna_do_when_it_got_cold/
%
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!

[100 years ago]
witch: fuck this house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ltqp/me_flashlight_under_chin_they_say_a_witch_cursed/
%
What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?

Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9lp45/whats_the_difference_between_swine_flu_and_bird/
%
A man calls his doctor and says "I'd like to cancel my tomorrow's appointment."

The doctor replies:
- Well, in such a case it will not be refunded, as appointments need to be cancelled three days in advance if you want a refund.
- Can I have it rescheduled then?
- Yes. What do you think about 3:30 PM next Friday?
- That is all right.
- Thank you.
The man then says:
- So I'd like my next appointment cancelled and refunded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9lop8/a_man_calls_his_doctor_and_says_id_like_to_cancel/
%
I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.

Then his dog came along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9lojd/i_once_saw_a_german_shepherd_taking_a_dump_on_my/
%
I got a car for my girlfriend

Best trade I've ever made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9lgnv/i_got_a_car_for_my_girlfriend/
%
Guy says to a Blonde girl, I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits, no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9lam8/guy_says_to_a_blonde_girl_i_bet_i_can_guess_when/
%
Captain

Met an old sailor once in a bar. Sat and talked for a while and asked him if he heard of Jack Sparrow. Suddenly he started telling me about how in Jamaica, beef pies cost $1.50. Goat pies cost around $2 and apple pies are about $2.50.
In Trinidad the prices are roughly the same. Cheese and onion pies are $1.50, steak and onion pies are $2 and cherry pies are $3.
In Barbados a mushroom pie would cost about $4 and vegetable pie is about $1.75
Haiti has cheaper ones. It's about $1 for chicken pies, less and $1 for strawberry pies and $2 for fish pies.
Asked him why he's telling me all this and he replied "The Pie rates of the Caribbean"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9l7fh/captain/
%
Last night, I had a dream that I wrote the Lord of the Rings books.

My wife said I was Tolkien in my sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9l74t/last_night_i_had_a_dream_that_i_wrote_the_lord_of/
%
So this sloth reported a mugging by three turtles to the police...

...When asked what happened he said, “I don’t know officer, it all happened so fast!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9l5j1/so_this_sloth_reported_a_mugging_by_three_turtles/
%
I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible

I’m an eighth-theist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9kw3d/i_only_believe_in_about_125_of_the_bible/
%
Trump says: "The Continental Army… manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over airports, it did everything it had to do." What, you don't believe they took over airports?

Surely you've heard of the Jefferson Airplane?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9kvuf/trump_says_the_continental_army_manned_the_air_it/
%
I'm a farmer using different methods trying to impress a girl I like

But nothing seems to a tractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ktk2/im_a_farmer_using_different_methods_trying_to/
%
A man walks into a library. He asks the librarian "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian says "I don't think it's in yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9kqj8/a_man_walks_into_a_library_he_asks_the_librarian/
%
Allah is the one true God.

The universe started with an explosion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9kot3/allah_is_the_one_true_god/
%
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?

“Do not consume if seal is broken”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9knxl/what_did_the_seal_with_a_broken_arm_say_to_the/
%
What is wheelchair users' favourite type of comedy?

Stand-up comedy.
This is just a joke please don't consider it as offensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9kncg/what_is_wheelchair_users_favourite_type_of_comedy/
%
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9khzu/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
%
I just found out that cock fighting is between 2 chickens.

I spent 2 years of my life training for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9kgs1/i_just_found_out_that_cock_fighting_is_between_2/
%
Did you hear about the Amish flu?

First you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9k7ca/did_you_hear_about_the_amish_flu/
%
There was a boy who had a pet frog

The boy was also a budding scientist, so he decided to perform an experiment on this frog. He got a notebook, a pencil, and a knife. He tells the frog, "frog, jump!" and the frog jumps up four feet into the air.
The boy writes in his notebook "frog with four legs can jump four feet"
Then, the boy takes his knife and cuts off one of the frog's legs. Now the frog has three legs. The boy says "frog, jump!" and the frog jumps up three feet into the air on its three legs.
The boy writes in his notebook "frog with three legs can jump three feet"
The boy takes his knife and cuts off another leg. Now the frog has two legs. The boy says "frog, jump!" and the frog jumps up two feet into the air on its two legs.
The boy writes in his notebook "frog with two legs can jump two feet"
He takes his knife and cuts off a third leg, leaving the frog with one leg. The boy says "frog, jump!" and the frog manages to jump one foot in the air on its one remaining leg.
The boy writes in his notebook "frog with one leg can jump one foot"
He takes his knife and cuts off the last leg, leaving the frog with no legs. He says "frog, jump!" The frog doesn't jump. "Frog, jump!" Frog still doesn't jump. "Frog, jump!" Frog doesn't move.
He concludes: "frog with no legs is deaf"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9k57q/there_was_a_boy_who_had_a_pet_frog/
%
I was sexually active at 12

It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9jqql/i_was_sexually_active_at_12/
%
A blond was the suspect of a murder

The judge had sentenced her to life in prison. As she was being locked up the guard said, "I'll be surprised if you escape". The next night a friend helped her escape, so she went to the guard and asked if he was surprised .
(I invented this joke... i think)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9jmfx/a_blond_was_the_suspect_of_a_murder/
%
My brother and I both went to the mall today.

We were both hanging around, having a nice time together. Then suddenly out of a blue, a guy came up to us, holding a lighter in his hand. He looked awfully fishy and he gave us a strange stare.
"Hey, boys. Ya mind if I ask ya a question?"
"What is it?" My brother asked, unperturbed by the man's strange behaviour.
"I just wanted to know... you two know each other well?" He raised his eyebrow.
"What? Of course we do!" I replied, confused.
"I see, I see..." The man nodded his head mysteriously. "Lemme guess... you're related? Siblings, maybe?"
"Yeah, you got it. Why do you ask?" My brother asked, now as perplexed as I was.
"Heh, it's nothing. It's just as I thought, huh..." The man took his lighter and turned it on.
"Wait, what the hell are you doing with that thing?" I asked, a bit nervous now. The man didn't respond. Instead, he took his lit lighter towards us. We both backed away, but he approached us.
Soon, we had to call for help. It was clear this man was trying to burn us, for whatever reason. Thankfully, the other mallgoers nearby heard our cries and managed to come and get him away from us. He still tried to approach us, however.
"Sir, put the lighter down!"
"You're going to hurt them!"
"Wait, wait! Why're you guys tryna stop me?" The man asked. "Is it wrong for a man to try and smoke now?"
"Smoke?!" I cried out. "What the hell?! Are we just cigarettes to you?!"
The man then looked me in the eye clearly.
"Yeah. I thought you just said you were mall-bros, sonny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9jjqd/my_brother_and_i_both_went_to_the_mall_today/
%
What did Orion receive after losing an archery competition?

A constellation prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9jj17/what_did_orion_receive_after_losing_an_archery/
%
A christian hears that there is a flood coming to his town. (long)

A fireman knocks on his door and says, "You need to come with me, there's a flood coming."
The christian says, "No, no, I'm a faithful christian, God will save me."
The fireman leaves and the flood waters come in. Eventually the flood waters get so high that he has to move to the first floor of his house.
A lifeboat goes by his house and the man at the front of it says, "Get on, we're here to help you."
The christian says, "No, no, I'm a faithful christian, God will save me."
The lifeboat leaves and, in a few minutes, the water has risen so much that he has to move to his roof.
A helicopter evetually flies in and the pilot yells on the megaphone. "Come on, we must evacuate!"
The christian shouts, "No, no, I'm a faithful christian, God will save me."
The christian dies in the flood, and when he gets to heaven, he says to God, "I've been a faithful christian all my life, why didn't you save me?"
God then says, "I sent you a fireman, a lifeboat, and a helicopter. What more help do you need?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9jek9/a_christian_hears_that_there_is_a_flood_coming_to/
%
What’s the different between Kim Kardashian and the earth?

Nothing, they’re both full of plastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9jdm4/whats_the_different_between_kim_kardashian_and/
%
I went to a coffee shop before work this morning.

The coffee tasted like mud.
So I told the barista.
She told me it was fresh ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9jbmq/i_went_to_a_coffee_shop_before_work_this_morning/
%
Trip to Paris

Son: "Mom! The computer is full of virus! What did you do?"
Mom:"Screw the computer! I won 2 IPads and a trip to Paris!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9jblx/trip_to_paris/
%
This made me laugh so hard

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9j8og/this_made_me_laugh_so_hard/
%
How do kitchen appliences say hello?

They give a micro-wave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9j883/how_do_kitchen_appliences_say_hello/
%
There's a place where January comes after February and December comes before September

It's the dictionary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9j08d/theres_a_place_where_january_comes_after_february/
%
One time Chuck Norris pee'd in the tank of a semi-truck as a practical joke.

That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9iyi5/one_time_chuck_norris_peed_in_the_tank_of_a/
%
Who is the cheesiest rapper?

Feta Wap 🧀

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ixk7/who_is_the_cheesiest_rapper/
%
I was being interviewed for a job the other day. One of the questions was 'Where do you see your self 6 months from now?'.

I said 'I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ixfz/i_was_being_interviewed_for_a_job_the_other_day/
%
Staying up all night just to realize that

I have insomnia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ir25/staying_up_all_night_just_to_realize_that/
%
One Sunday after church,

Father Tom was approached by Dave, who had been a regular churchgoer for years, but had recently been missing service. Father Tom asked him if everything was okay, as he had missed several services over the last few months. Dave told Father Tom "I've been working non-stop trying to save my business. I'm about to miss paying my workers' salary and I'm about to be evicted from the house my grandfather left me from missing mortgage payments."
Father Tom told him "I'm very sorry to hear that. One thing that has always helped me in times of trouble is this. Go home, pull out your Bible. Close your eyes, turn to a random page, and place your finger on it, and God will direct you to the message you need to hear."
Dave was out the following three weeks, but when he returned the fourth week, Father Tom was amazed to see him driving a brand new sports car, wearing a suit that had to have been custom made.
After the service, Father Tom rushed up to Dave and asked him what had happened. Dave told him "Father, I did exactly what you said. I pulled out the family Bible, closed my eyes, and pointed to a random place on a random page. And the words God sent to me were the most helpful message I've ever heard. Chapter Eleven."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9iqbi/one_sunday_after_church/
%
What do you call a vampire who doesn’t ask for consent?

A vapist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ipun/what_do_you_call_a_vampire_who_doesnt_ask_for/
%
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ip1h/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
A priest buys a lawn mower at a garage sale

Back at home, he pulls on the rope a few times with no results.
He storms back to the garage sale and tells the previous owner "I can't get the mower to start!"
"That's because you have to curse to get it started, says the man."
"I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how to curse."
"You keep pulling on that rope, and it will come back to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9io0l/a_priest_buys_a_lawn_mower_at_a_garage_sale/
%
Man visits doctor.

Doctor: What's your problem?
Man: Whenever I drink coffee, I get this sharp, excruciating pain that goes down my throat to my stomach.
Doctor: Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking the coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9inqt/man_visits_doctor/
%
Why don't people sympathize when your books fall onto the floor?

Because you only have your shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9inec/why_dont_people_sympathize_when_your_books_fall/
%
A man walks into a ice cream shop and asks if they have carrot ice cream.

The worker is baffled by the question and says no. He walks in the next day and asks if they have carrot ice cream, again the worker replies no. The shop owner decides that if he wants carrot ice cream so bad they should make some. The man walks in the next day and asks, "Do you have carrot ice cream?" The worker happily replies yes. "That's fucking gross." says the man and leaves the shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ied3/a_man_walks_into_a_ice_cream_shop_and_asks_if/
%
What do you call an emo a cappella group?

Self Harmony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ia7s/what_do_you_call_an_emo_a_cappella_group/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking home one night

when Sherlock Homes suddenly stopped.
"Dear God.  I just stepped on something brown and icky.  Tell me Watson, was it mud?"
Watson looked back at what Holmes stepped on and said "No. Shit Sherlock".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ia6j/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_were_walking_home_one/
%
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9i8ao/my_nephew_told_me_when_he_grows_up_he_wants_to_be/
%
We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here, said the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9i7dz/we_dont_allow_faster_than_light_neutrinos_in_here/
%
Why is the Pope's favourite pet a cat?

because he's a catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9i3g5/why_is_the_popes_favourite_pet_a_cat/
%
I couldn't believe my wife was a road signal thief

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9i2lm/i_couldnt_believe_my_wife_was_a_road_signal_thief/
%
My credit card got stolen 3 months ago and I still haven’t reported it missing.....

....Whoever has it is spending far less than what my wife usually does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9i0j2/my_credit_card_got_stolen_3_months_ago_and_i/
%
Why did the blind man fall in a well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9hysq/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_in_a_well/
%
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the front lines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9hykj/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_view_mirrors/
%
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Smells like carrots!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9hxp2/what_did_one_snowman_say_to_the_other_snowman/
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A Japanese person, a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were aboard a flight when it started to crash

“The plane is too heavy, we have to lighten the load!“ the pilot exclaims. The Japanese person looks at her baggage full of computers and electronics, and drops it out of the plane. “Its ok, we have plenty of these in my country” she says.
The Canadian person follows suit and empties his luggage full of hockey sticks. “Its ok, we have plenty of these in my country” he says.
With focus shifting to the American, he looks around briefly and tosses out the Mexican. “Its ok, we have plenty of these in my country”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9hv04/a_japanese_person_a_canadian_an_american_and_a/
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I always fall for clickbaits.

And I'm not alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9hqca/i_always_fall_for_clickbaits/
%
What did the pirate captain say when he caught his first mate hiding a rooster in his treasure chest?

**Get yer cock out of me booty!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9hpx0/what_did_the_pirate_captain_say_when_he_caught/
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What do you call a person who loves crocodiles?

A crocophile.
Came up with that one while at the science museum, wife gave a groin and shook her head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ho15/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_loves_crocodiles/
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I went to the zoo yesterday but the only animal they had was a dog

It was a shit-zhu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9hnb5/i_went_to_the_zoo_yesterday_but_the_only_animal/
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What do you call it when a chicken looks at a lettuce?

Chicken Caesar Salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9hlqg/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_chicken_looks_at_a/
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My friend is a recovering alcoholic.

"As long as people stop reminding me about alcohol, I'll be fine," he declared.
"Yeah!" I said, "That's the spirit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9hkj8/my_friend_is_a_recovering_alcoholic/
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What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson’s Funeral?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9hjhn/what_did_kermit_the_frog_say_at_jim_hensons/
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What do the Black Eyed Peas and Manchester United have in common?

They both turned to shit when Fergie left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9haai/what_do_the_black_eyed_peas_and_manchester_united/
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A man was driving down highway 407 when a radio announcer said: “be warned of a car driving the wrong way along the highway”

The man, peeking out the window, scoffs to himself as he thinks “just one? All these idiots are going the wrong way!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9h8rj/a_man_was_driving_down_highway_407_when_a_radio/
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"Mom, all the kids in my class make fun of me because I'm still a virgin."

"Johnny, just start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9h8pb/mom_all_the_kids_in_my_class_make_fun_of_me/
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Lone Ranger camping

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9h5tv/lone_ranger_camping/
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You ever been bad at splitting portions into thirds?

I halve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9h3lt/you_ever_been_bad_at_splitting_portions_into/
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People are always telling me to follow my dream.

But when you've been arrested for stalking and need bail money, they're nowhere to be found.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9h2d6/people_are_always_telling_me_to_follow_my_dream/
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What do you call a coma ward?

A veggie salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9h2b4/what_do_you_call_a_coma_ward/
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This month I feel attracted to vacations.

I think it's due to the force of July.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9h1s4/this_month_i_feel_attracted_to_vacations/
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A young and promissing politican is invited to a dinner with the big fish from the party.

There he meets the host, one of the older members who's heard a lot of good things about the young member. He starts to take him around the huge house, shows him expensive cars, his helicopter, private gym etc. The young member amazed asks him how did he get all this by being a politican. So the older member is like:"Do you see that road there? Well, it was to have 4 lanes instead of 3. That's where all this comes from!"
Young member learned a lesson, worked hard, became a big shot himself and hosted a dinner for the rest of the members. He found the old member and returned the favour by showing him around. A bigger house, more expensive cars, a private jet, a yacht, sports center etc. The older member in wonder asks: "How on earth did you get all this that soon?!"
"Ok, see that road over there?"
"Well, no! There is no road!"
"Well, there was to be a big one with 4 lanes...and here we are!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9h0c9/a_young_and_promissing_politican_is_invited_to_a/
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Curiosity killed the cat, only half the time

the cat only dies half the time when you look but if you dont look you dont know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9gxab/curiosity_killed_the_cat_only_half_the_time/
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What do you call an emo hosting a charity event?

Fund razor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9gw10/what_do_you_call_an_emo_hosting_a_charity_event/
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Why is the IRS always tired?

Collecting money for the government is taxing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9gulc/why_is_the_irs_always_tired/
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So it's a Friday afternoon and a man comes home from work early...

...and he catches his wife in bed with another man.
In a fit of rage he pulls out his 45 and shoots them both dead.
He soon calms down and is overcome with grief. He immediately drives himself to the police office to turn himself in.
The next day when his best friends visits him in his cell he breaks down. "I can't believe what I've done. I feel terrible."
His buddy looks at him and says "hey man, I know things look bad now but they could always be worse."
"What the hell are you talking about, man? Two people are dead, I might get the electric chair! My life's over" he lamented.
"Yeah that's all true, but things could still be worse."
"Why are you tormenting my like this?"
"Well," his friend began, "had you come home the day before you'd have gotten me too!"
《Credit to Freddie Gibbs for the  joke》

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9gmrc/so_its_a_friday_afternoon_and_a_man_comes_home/
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A physics student ask his teacher

: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity"
The teacher answers: "I'll see if I can pull some strings for you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9gd3q/a_physics_student_ask_his_teacher/
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With the rise of self driving cars,

It's only a matter of time until there's a country song about a guy's car leaving him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9gbqs/with_the_rise_of_self_driving_cars/
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What's the difference between a snow-man and a snow-woman?

Snow-balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9gacr/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When he grew up, he was going to drive a tractor. He was saving as hard as a 12 year old could, so that one glorious day, he could buy and own his own tractor. Timmy seriously loved tractors.
As Timmy aged, his obsession grew deeper. He yearned for the day he could own and drive his own tractor, until one day he overheard his parents talking about how they were going to surprise him with a brand new John Deere for his 18th birthday. He could barely contain himself.
Finally, the big day arrived. He was 18! He woke with a start, peeked out the window, and there in the driveway was a giant, brand new John Deere tractor. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIMMY! Was scrawled on the front windscreen of the tractor. He ran outside, and there were his parents, smiling as widely as any parent could. He ran and hugged his parents, crying and laughing with pure glee in the shadow of the colossus. He had never felt this way before!
But enough was enough. It was time.
He climbed into the cab and sat in the driver's seat. It was perfect. He had waited 18 years for this moment. His hand was shaking as he reached for the key in the ignition. He quickly turned it and…
RRRrrrrrrr CLUNK!
It didn't start. That's odd. Try again.
RRRrrrrrrr CLUNK!
Again? This is weird. Bit of a shame, battery must be a bit flat? Try again.
RRRrrrrrrr CLUNK!
Timmy froze. The tractor wouldn't start. He was let down, betrayed. His whole life up to this point had been a lie. There was a paradigm shift in every fiber of Timmy's being.
Something inside Timmy snapped.
Timmy screamed, and leaped out of the tractor. He ran to the garage still screaming, and returned with an axe and a fuel can. Screaming like a possessed Viking, he hacked and slashed the tractor. The windows, wheels, cab, dash - nothing was left unscathed. Then he doused it in gasoline and lit it up. He stood, panting, watching the tractor burn, with the wails of his parents in the background.
Timmy walked away, to a bar. He was 18 now, and he needed a drink. He sat down and ordered a beer. Timmy sat at the bar reflecting on his life and his disappointment in all things tractor related. He was trying to forget it all when a putrid stench reached his nose. Thick, black, putrid smoke was billowing into the bar, obviously from his burning tractor down the road. Everybody in the bar was coughing and trying to get away to clear air. This smoke was from a tractor and it made Timmy mad, so he jumped up onto the bar and with one deep breath he sucked up all the smoke in the building, and blew it outside.
Everybody stared at him in stunned silence. No one moved. The bartender spoke for everyone in the room
"How on earth did you do that?"
Timmy slowly turned to him. "I'm an ex tractor fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9g9wh/timmy_loved_tractors_his_life_was_all_about/
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A blind man walks into a bar.

And a chair. And a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9g7rg/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call two ninjas?

A pair of sneakers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9g5p5/what_do_you_call_two_ninjas/
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What do you call it when a pregnant woman’s husband buys a new car and sleeps with his wife’s health professional?

A midwife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9g3c8/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_pregnant_womans/
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She: so what do you do for a living?

Me, trying to impress her: i work with animals.
She: aaww thats cute i knew you had a good heart.
Turns out being a butcher is helpful for picking up girls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9g0ci/she_so_what_do_you_do_for_a_living/
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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9fzzy/my_life_completely_changed_after_i_learned_morse/
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"Peter," said Jesus, "you are my rock." Peter looked angry...

"I really wish you'd stop taking me for granite!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9fh8h/peter_said_jesus_you_are_my_rock_peter_looked/
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What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?

There, they're, their...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9feea/what_do_you_say_to_comfort_a_friend_struggling/
%
I ate a dictionary

I got thesaurus throat I’ve ever had

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9fdnw/i_ate_a_dictionary/
%
A young man goes to his dad and tells him that he's got great news

His father asks "what are the good news, son?"
"I'm getting married", the young man responds.
"Wow! That is great! Amazing! Congratulations!", his dad exclaims, almost in tears. "So, who are you marrying?", he asks.
"I'm marrying Ashley", the young man responds.
"Oh that crazy slut", the dad says at once.
"What??" The young man says, surprised. "I can't believe you just said that about my future wife!", he says, and storms out of the house and goes to the backyard, completely angry at this father.
In the backyard he finds his mother attending to the garden, who notices that something's wrong and asks, "What's wrong, dear?"
"Nothing's wrong", says the young man. "Just had an argument with dad. I gave him great news and he was kind of disrespectful, anyways, it doesn't matter, it's in the past now", he says.
"What are these great news?", the mother asks.
"I'm getting married", he responds.
"That is great! Congratulations son!", says the mother as she hugs him. "So, who's the lucky girl?", she asks.
"It's Ashley", the man responds.
"A real whore, that one", says the mother.
"Wait. What???", says the young man. "You too, just like dad!", he shouts in anger.
So the young man, totally irritated gets out of there and starts walking down the street. After a few minutes walking, he notices his friends hanging out at a bar, and so he decides it might be a good idea to join them, have a few drinks and forget about the incidents at home.
After greeting his friends, they ask him what's new, and he says "I'm getting married".
"Congratulations", his friends exclaim. "That is amazing!", says another one. Another one shouts to the bartender "please get us a round of beers, all on me, for the gentleman here that is getting married!". "Yeah!", everyone cheers.
"So, who are you marrying?", one of them asks.
"I'm marrying Ashley", our young man responds.
"Oh that tramp", says one of the guys. "A real crazy slut", says another one.
"Whattt????", the man says. "You too? Just like my parents? Fuck everyone!" he says, as he leaves the bar extremely annoyed.
He keeps walking down the street and enters the church. There the priest greets him, "Hi son! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in years! What brings you to the House of God?"
"I want to know what's the process necessary to get married. No one seems to approve but I'll get married anyways", the man says, still clearly irritated.
"That's great!", the priest responds. "But before discussing any further, at least let me know who you are marrying", the priest asks.
"It doesn't matter", the man responds. "Let's say I'm marrying the biggest tramp, the sluttiest girl in town", he says.
"Oh really?", the priest says. "You are marrying Ashley?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9f7xb/a_young_man_goes_to_his_dad_and_tells_him_that/
%
A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting."

I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9f4ei/a_vegan_said_to_me_people_who_sell_meat_are/
%
I quite like phone sex...

I quite like phone sex,  but it's hard getting the phone out afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9f4bd/i_quite_like_phone_sex/
%
What's the difference between women and grenades?

None, if you take off the ring, half of your house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ezwi/whats_the_difference_between_women_and_grenades/
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A priest, a minister and a rabbi.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to find out who’s best at his job. So they decide that each of them will go into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it.
Later that day, they get together. The priest begins: “I found a bear sitting by a tree. I blessed him and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”
The minister says, “I found a bear by a stream and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look at the rabbi, who is all scratched and bruised and with his clothes torn to shreds. The rabbi looks at them and says, “Maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9eypj/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi/
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I've seen a lot of great moves as a fencing teacher...

...but you guys have the best ripostes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ewp5/ive_seen_a_lot_of_great_moves_as_a_fencing_teacher/
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After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced
Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin
Report: We rehooked something in the cabin
Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged
Report: We haven't been able to repeat the problem on solid ground
Problem: Traces of fuel leakage on the plane
Report: Traces removed
Problem: Sound from the DME instrument is so loud that you can't believe it.
Report: Sound from the DME instrument is now set to be believable
Problem:We suspect there is a crack in one of the windows.
Report: We suspect that you are right.
Problem: The plane reacts ridiculously to commands
Report: The plane was warned to get serious.
Problem: A weird sound is coming from the control table, like a gnome is hitting it with a hammer.
Report: The gnome had his hammer taken away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9eu5a/after_every_flight_the_pilots_of_qantas_airways/
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What was so wrong with USA...

...that they had to go and make USB?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9es1c/what_was_so_wrong_with_usa/
%
Man walks into a library and says to the receptionist “Two sausages please”

The receptionist says “ this is a library sir”
So the man lowers his voice and whispers “sorry , two sausages please”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9eqqn/man_walks_into_a_library_and_says_to_the/
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An elderly lady went to the doctor to discuss her stubborn husband's erectile dysfunction

Upon explaining the situation to the doctor, he told her to take these little blue pills, slip one in his coffee, and he would be good to go in no time. So later that day, the elderly lady and her husband are having coffee and she slips a pill into his without him noticing. Shortly after, he picks up his wife, tears her clothes off and starts making love to her right there on the table.
The following day, the elderly lady went to see the doctor again and he asked how her husband found the pills he had prescribed.
"Oh they work wonderfully!" She said. "It was the best love we've made since we've been married... But I'll never be able to show my face in Tim Horton's ever again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9eono/an_elderly_lady_went_to_the_doctor_to_discuss_her/
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Two guys get captured by a primitive tribe on a remote island.

The first guy is taken to the tribe chief.
The chief says: You have two options: Giri-Giri or death
The first guy thinks to himself: "Anything is better than death."
Guy 1: I choose Giri-Giri
The whole tribe fucks him in the ass for the entire day
He comes to guy 2, all distressed and ragged-looking. He says: When the chief offers you a choice... Pick death.
Guy 2 is taken to the chief.
The chief asks him: Giri-Giri or death?
Guy 2: I choose death.
Chief: Okay: Giri-Giri 'till death!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9encm/two_guys_get_captured_by_a_primitive_tribe_on_a/
%
Why don't libraries carry books about suicide?

Because they never get returned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9el8g/why_dont_libraries_carry_books_about_suicide/
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What's the most depressed and simultaneously sexually active place in America?

Oh I was hoping you would know... I've heard it's a sad state of affairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ejei/whats_the_most_depressed_and_simultaneously/
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After a long search, I finally got a job with FedEx.

OP delivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ecu7/after_a_long_search_i_finally_got_a_job_with_fedex/
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Mischievous medical student.

A notoriously mischievous student in medical college was up to his usual tricks. This time he went to his professor.
Student: 'How long can a man survive without a brain, sir? '
Professor: 'I don't know really'.... 'How old are you? '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9eb81/mischievous_medical_student/
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A man goes to his doctor and says, “I’m dying!”

The doctor asks why.
The man points to various spots on his body and says, “it hurts here, here, here...”
The doctor replies, “you’re not dying, your finger is broken.”
Courtesy of my godfather’s friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9e633/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor_and_says_im_dying/
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A 40 year old lawyer who has been practicing since he was 25 dies and arrives at heaven

The lawyer says to God:
“There must be some mistake, I am only 40 years old, and that is far too young to die”
God decided to consult his records.
“That’s funny,” God says “when we added up all your billing records, you should be at least 80 years old by now”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9e4a5/a_40_year_old_lawyer_who_has_been_practicing/
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Forgive me Father...for I have sinned. I keep singing the barenaked ladies.

“How Long has it been since your last confession?”
“It’s been.......”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9e3qa/forgive_me_fatherfor_i_have_sinned_i_keep_singing/
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What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9e25k/what_did_our_parents_do_to_kill_boredom_before/
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As I got to the gym this afternoon, I started to really need to take a shit...

I walk in and go directly toward the bathrooms, straight into the first one I see. As I get in there I notice the toilet on a slant, with one side angling toward the ground... “Hmm..”
I look closer and also notice that the lid is cracked and there’s a leak with water going everywhere.
“Very confusing...” I thought as I walk back out of the bathroom. Before I head into another bathroom I look back and that’s when I notice it.
I see it on the door, the sign clear as day.
It was a disabled toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ds7i/as_i_got_to_the_gym_this_afternoon_i_started_to/
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Did you hear about the cross dressing dinosaur?

He decided to try Sarah's tops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ds3s/did_you_hear_about_the_cross_dressing_dinosaur/
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I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9drmy/i_wanted_to_learn_how_to_drive_a_stick_shift/
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I hate sitting in traffic

I always get ran over!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9drj8/i_hate_sitting_in_traffic/
%
Hey, Girl, are you a school ?

Because I wanna shoot some kids in you !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9dj7o/hey_girl_are_you_a_school/
%
What do you call a Christian superhero?

A-men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9dgpz/what_do_you_call_a_christian_superhero/
%
What do American beer and having sex in a canoe with some girl have in common?

If you have too much of either, your wife will eventually divorce you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9dbs3/what_do_american_beer_and_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
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what do you call a pansexual person named nick who works at a disc company?

Pan nick at the disc co

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9d6aa/what_do_you_call_a_pansexual_person_named_nick/
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What's worse than yelling FIRE in a mexican neighborhood?

ICE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9d1ac/whats_worse_than_yelling_fire_in_a_mexican/
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Shoutout

to all the people who don't know what the opposite of "in" is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9cveq/shoutout/
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Yo momma’s so old...

When it’s that time of the month, she has a renaissance period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9cqwg/yo_mommas_so_old/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 911

''My friend is dead! What should I do?"
The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9cmcn/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
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Did you hear about what happened to the magical tractor?

It turned into a field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ckpw/did_you_hear_about_what_happened_to_the_magical/
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What’s the best drink to have on the 4th of July?

A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9cdi1/whats_the_best_drink_to_have_on_the_4th_of_july/
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What do you call it when a gamer girl has her first period...

...First blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9c4r7/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_gamer_girl_has_her/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9c35s/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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Last night I went out for a couple of drinks...

1 thing lead to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto the spirits. Not a good idea.
I knew I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.
Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests. But because I was in a Bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9c209/last_night_i_went_out_for_a_couple_of_drinks/
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The U.S. Army really needs a better lost and found

I always hear about people losing their arms, legs and minds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9byt5/the_us_army_really_needs_a_better_lost_and_found/
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“I’m not like any other girls”

Yeah no shit Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9by37/im_not_like_any_other_girls/
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A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were sitting outside an empty house.

They saw teo people go in, and a little while later, three people come out. The engineer said, “Our initial count must’ve been wrong.” The biologist said, “They must’ve reproduced.” The mathematician said, “Now, if one person goes back into the house, it will be completely empty!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9bxmt/a_biologist_an_engineer_and_a_mathematician_were/
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I finally decided to stop trying to date older women.

It was fun at first, but they always get offended if you guess too old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9bu9t/i_finally_decided_to_stop_trying_to_date_older/
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So my ex wife was sick in the hospital and I decide to visit her.

She was complaining that her body temperature has dropped below 30. So I told her not to worry since it's a standard body temperature for snakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9btno/so_my_ex_wife_was_sick_in_the_hospital_and_i/
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.
However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.”
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 50% pain transfer. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, their neighbor was dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9brjs/a_married_couple_went_to_the_hospital_to_have/
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Man, my neighbors are really into lighting off loads of 4th of July fireworks...

It sounds like a school outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9bjyq/man_my_neighbors_are_really_into_lighting_off/
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Welcome to Cannibal Cafè!

Rated #1 at serving customers since 1993!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9bjy5/welcome_to_cannibal_cafè/
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A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9bjl0/a_lawyer_was_working_in_his_office_when_satan/
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The thing I like about the dark is

You could be standing in front of an axe murderer and not know it until you’re chopped up or you take your schizophrenia medicine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9bj9q/the_thing_i_like_about_the_dark_is/
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Late one night...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9b7a8/late_one_night/
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Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die!

Passengers: *start freaking out*
Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when!
Passengers: *sigh with relief*
Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9b6an/pilot_over_intercom_were_all_gonna_die/
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Aunts pestering me at weddings

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, *“Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”*
We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9b51r/aunts_pestering_me_at_weddings/
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Lovers carving names on trees

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9b4jz/lovers_carving_names_on_trees/
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A man is walking on a beach, and finds a lamp containing a genie that offers him 3 wishes, however, whatever his wish, his mother-in-law gets double of it.

The man is upset at first since he hated his mother-in-law, but decides to try it out.
"I wish for a hundred million dollars" the man told the genie.
The genie nods his head, and $100,000,000 appears before the man.
"Gtanted, but Your mother-in-law now has $200,000,000 as well" said the genie.
"Aww man... okay... I wish for a 100 room mansion, with servants".
The genie nods, and a massive mansion appeared by the man, with a full crew of servants lined up in front.
"Granted, but your mother-in-law now has TWO mansions, and twice as many servants" the genie replied, "You have one wish remaining".
"Man, this is some bull...I hate that old bat..." the man said as he thought about his last wish.
Suddenly he smiled widely, picks up a tree branch, and hands it to the genie.
"What is this?" The genie asked.
"I wish for you to take this stick, and beat me half to death!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9b1hp/a_man_is_walking_on_a_beach_and_finds_a_lamp/
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An honest man

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9b0tt/an_honest_man/
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What did the miner say when blowing up rocks and discovering a gold vein?

Wow. This blew up! Thanks for the gold, kind rocks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ayup/what_did_the_miner_say_when_blowing_up_rocks_and/
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If you boil a funny bone

It becomes a laughing stock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9aysv/if_you_boil_a_funny_bone/
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What do you call a lawyer who likes to cook?

A Sous-Chef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ax2w/what_do_you_call_a_lawyer_who_likes_to_cook/
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3 months

2 buddies are quietly sitting in a boat fishing and drinking beer when one of them suddenly confessed to his friend, "Think I'm gonna divorce my wife... she ain't spoke to me in over 3 months."
The friend spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9apfb/3_months/
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What do you call the concentric clouds around a nuclear explosion?

Freedom rings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9ahah/what_do_you_call_the_concentric_clouds_around_a/
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Why doesn’t the US knock?

Because freedom rings.
Happy 4th of July!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9acy5/why_doesnt_the_us_knock/
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9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of a weighed down rapidly descending aircraft.

They all realize one must let go to save the rest of them.
The plane is about 1000 meters away from crashing, when the brunette starts to say that she will heroicly let go of the wing of the plane to save the 9 others.
She gets a few a tears and cries of “Nooo” but as she finishes, all the Blondes clap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9acju/9_blondes_and_1_brunette_are_holding_onto_the/
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A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery. As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!" "No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9a92g/a_young_couple_is_out_for_a_romantic_valentines/
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What did one terrorist say to another terrorist on his birthday?

I hope you have a blast today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9a6sl/what_did_one_terrorist_say_to_another_terrorist/
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A man was joyriding with his new Mercedes

A man was Joyriding with his new Mercedes.
He was driving well above the speed limit when he saw the lightshow of a cop behind him.
He started driving faster, sure that he could outrun the cop but the cop kept up.
Eventually he gave up and pulled over.
The cop came up to his window and said,
"It's the end of my shift and I'm ready to go home, so if you can give me a good excuse then I won't give you a ticket."
The man agreed and said,
"A few weeks ago my wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were chasing me to give her back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9a5bz/a_man_was_joyriding_with_his_new_mercedes/
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[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen.  He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes
“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says
“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing is enormous.  I don’t understand.. were  you born with that or do you do something to make it that big?  You gotta tell me”
The black man thinks for a second and decides to mess with him.  “Oh no..  I have a routine to make it that big.”
The white guy’s eyes light up, “please tell me!”
The black man, trying to keep a straight face says, “I go home and tie a brick and rope to it and walk around for 4 hours a day!”
The white guys, skeptically says, “really?”
“Sure!” The black man says.
The white guy excitedly thanks him and runs out of the showers as the black man stifles his laughter thinking he wouldn’t see this guy anymore anyway.
A week later the black man is showering after a workout alone when the door opens and the white guy walks in.
“Oh shit” he thinks to himself.
The white guy sees him and runs over excitedly and beams a huge smile at him looking to get his attention.
Uncomfortably the black guy stammers, “sooo... how’s it going?”
The white guy says enthusiastically, “GREAT!!!”
Surprised, the black man says, “you mean..  you tried it?”
The white guy rips off his towel, points to his junk and enthusiastically belts out, “LOOK ITS ALREADY STARTING TO TURN BLACK!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9a38w/nsfw_a_white_guy_is_showering_at_the_gym_alone/
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Husband is on his deathbed...

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9a36d/husband_is_on_his_deathbed/
%
A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's.

He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him.
The young man felt sorry for them and asked "I'm sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don't have to split your food?"
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we've been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50."
The young man said, "Wow! That's commendable." He then turned to the wife and asked, "Aren't you going to eat your share?"
The wife replied "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c99x9g/a_young_man_watched_as_an_elderly_couple_sat_down/
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What did the moose say after leaving the gay bar?

“Man, I blew like 50 bucks in there”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c99rqz/what_did_the_moose_say_after_leaving_the_gay_bar/
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Friend told me to this one today.

Why are there so many gay people now a days?
Cause true love is hard to find and there are plenty of assholes around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c99ovp/friend_told_me_to_this_one_today/
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Just say no

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c99et2/just_say_no/
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I went to a German food festival and almost died from food poisoning

It was the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c99duj/i_went_to_a_german_food_festival_and_almost_died/
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What do you a call it when one ghosts eats another ghost?

Canni-BOO-lism!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c99d38/what_do_you_a_call_it_when_one_ghosts_eats/
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I recently took a pole

I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c99c1e/i_recently_took_a_pole/
%
I once had to miss class because of hypothermia

I was too cool for school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c997u2/i_once_had_to_miss_class_because_of_hypothermia/
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People are like Skittles

I eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c993k2/people_are_like_skittles/
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My friend used to obsessed over Jeanne D'Arc, Tomoe Gozen and the Goddess Athena

It's a shame he died of a Heroine overdose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c98z73/my_friend_used_to_obsessed_over_jeanne_darc_tomoe/
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So a guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."
Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news." Again the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?" Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."
The guy slumps, just crushed.
Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."
The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.
Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."
By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.
The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me."
The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c98w7t/so_a_guys_at_work_when_he_receives_a_call_from/
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A commander is stationed at a military base

The commander told a soldier to check their position on the map.
Solder: "Sir! We're under a tack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c98plp/a_commander_is_stationed_at_a_military_base/
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Why do you call a Radish a Radish

Because they're rad. But not that rad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c98nu7/why_do_you_call_a_radish_a_radish/
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Those who have a fifth on the fourth

May not go forth on the fifth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c98iqx/those_who_have_a_fifth_on_the_fourth/
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The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c98d60/the_un_decided_to_do_a_worldwide_survey/
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The doctors amputated my leg at the knee, but I have no idea why.

Frankly, I'm stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c989ib/the_doctors_amputated_my_leg_at_the_knee_but_i/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c989hb/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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What creature came before the seagull?

A beagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c97xvs/what_creature_came_before_the_seagull/
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Who has no thumbs and is safe at using fireworks?

Gestures fists at self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c97s14/who_has_no_thumbs_and_is_safe_at_using_fireworks/
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I found a babysitter who works in an owl costume

She's a hootin'-nanny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c97ptx/i_found_a_babysitter_who_works_in_an_owl_costume/
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There's a breed of black chickens that actually hatch black eggs!

Search up "black cocks" yourself if you don't believe me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c97onj/theres_a_breed_of_black_chickens_that_actually/
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What do you call a family of geese crossing a road?

speed bumps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c97nrq/what_do_you_call_a_family_of_geese_crossing_a_road/
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Do you know why prisoners love the 4th of July?

All the fresh meat on the 5th of July.  Drive safe and party smart folks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c97le5/do_you_know_why_prisoners_love_the_4th_of_july/
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I was arrested for pushing the demo button on an Elmo doll.

He accused me of touching his test-tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c97hn2/i_was_arrested_for_pushing_the_demo_button_on_an/
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Disabled people have earned the word “special.” Special needs, special school and special requirements...

So it always alarms me when I hear special forces going to war!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c97h9f/disabled_people_have_earned_the_word_special/
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Someone asked me "Where do you see yourself in six months?" I said...

I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c97h3d/someone_asked_me_where_do_you_see_yourself_in_six/
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A woman goes to the store to buy a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk. The cashier guesses that she is single and she is shocked. She asks how he knew

He said it's because she's ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c97gaw/a_woman_goes_to_the_store_to_buy_a_loaf_of_bread/
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[wife, watching the news] Some idiot was trying to fight a squid at the aquarium.

[me, covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c97e8p/wife_watching_the_news_some_idiot_was_trying_to/
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Even if you are absolutely freezing...

You are 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c97das/even_if_you_are_absolutely_freezing/
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A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?

5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c97ay1/a_5th_grader_from_alabama_and_a_5th_grader_from/
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My wife told me I'm a little too immature...

I scowled at her and told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c973he/my_wife_told_me_im_a_little_too_immature/
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Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9723w/father_william_the_old_priest_made_it_a_practice/
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What do you call the area between a California woman’s boobs?

Silicone Valley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c971dl/what_do_you_call_the_area_between_a_california/
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Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July

But not fire.
Fire works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c96yh8/some_people_enjoy_a_day_off_on_the_4th_of_july/
%
A high school student struggles to pass his tests but decides, one day, to pull himself together.

After weeks of hard work and dedication, his grades start picking up.
A month passes and the semester is finally over.
He approaches his father and shows him his grades.
The father looks dramatically into his son's eyes and says:
"long time no C".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c96v6s/a_high_school_student_struggles_to_pass_his_tests/
%
I like fridges more than people.

They are always so chill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c96t8t/i_like_fridges_more_than_people/
%
I've heard that "Never gonna give you up" is a great song.

But everytime I'm asking for a link I'm just getting rickrolled...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c96s17/ive_heard_that_never_gonna_give_you_up_is_a_great/
%
What does a virgin girl say when she enters a room full of men bidding to buy her virginity?

Hymen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c96lbk/what_does_a_virgin_girl_say_when_she_enters_a/
%
I've just arrived at my premature ejaculation support group.

I came on the bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c96l8p/ive_just_arrived_at_my_premature_ejaculation/
%
If you found a river in a video game with dead fish in it...

would it be considered a spawnpoint?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c96ks8/if_you_found_a_river_in_a_video_game_with_dead/
%
I have a hen that can count her own eggs.

She's a mathemachicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c96iuv/i_have_a_hen_that_can_count_her_own_eggs/
%
I called a suicide support line in the middle east

They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c96ior/i_called_a_suicide_support_line_in_the_middle_east/
%
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c96fd2/what_do_you_call_a_snobby_criminal_going_down_the/
%
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c96exp/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
%
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."
Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."
Sylvester says, "Let us hear it."
So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers."
That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c96dtc/sylvester_stallone_chuck_norris_and_arnold/
%
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”
The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.”  Poof! The jewels appear.
“For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears.
The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again.
The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.”
The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title.
“In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c96dn8/a_teacher_goes_for_a_long_walk_on_the_beach_she/
%
I seem to have lost my mood ring

I'm not sure how I feel about it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c96azl/i_seem_to_have_lost_my_mood_ring/
%
Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?

You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c967wu/why_is_getting_broken_up_with_like_doing_algebra/
%
What is the difference between a musician and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c967gc/what_is_the_difference_between_a_musician_and_a/
%
What do you call someone that had great potential in highschool, but now has no friends, no career aspirations, and is satisfied with a menial job?

Idk what others would say, but I know my dad is refusing to call me "son"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c966j9/what_do_you_call_someone_that_had_great_potential/
%
Why don't people sleep on Saturdays and Sundays?

Sleep is for the week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c965ww/why_dont_people_sleep_on_saturdays_and_sundays/
%
A woman goes to a library.

She asks if they have any books about paranoia.
The librarian says, "They're right behind you!"
The woman screams and runs out the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9641o/a_woman_goes_to_a_library/
%
Little Girl says to her Mum, I want to donate a lot of the clothes I don't wear to all of the little girls that don't have any, Mum says who are these Girls??

You know, the ones on Daddy's computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c9628v/little_girl_says_to_her_mum_i_want_to_donate_a/
%
I'm so patriotic, I piss red white and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer.
I told him to shut his commie mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c95rtb/im_so_patriotic_i_piss_red_white_and_blue/
%
An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!"  At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the Chinaman.
"But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg..."
"Goldberg, greenberg, iceberg..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c95md8/an_oriental_man_was_sitting_in_a_restaurant_in/
%
Best knock knock joke ever.

Three brothers age 92,94 and 96 live in a
house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath,puts his
foot in and pauses.He yells down the stairs,
"Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back,"I don't know,I'll come
up and see."He starts up the stairs and pauses,
then he yells,"Was l going up the stairs or
coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table
having coffee listening to his brothers.He shakes
his head and says,"I sure hope I never get that
forgetful."He knocks on wood for good luck.He
then yells,"I'lI come up and help both of you as
soon as l see who's at the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c95edu/best_knock_knock_joke_ever/
%
Boy: Mommy! I don't like my little brother!

Mom: Shut up and keep eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c95b41/boy_mommy_i_dont_like_my_little_brother/
%
Rick is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Carl.

...after taking some time to size Carl up and decide that he can trust him, Rick tells Carl about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Rick says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Carl is skeptical but intrigued.
Rick continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Carl asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Rick says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Carl, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!"
And Rick says "I shit. You knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c95ake/rick_is_in_the_10th_year_of_a_life_sentence_when/
%
What’s the difference between a lobster with big boobs and a dirty bus station?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c959o9/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with_big/
%
Why doesn’t chuck Norris flush the toilet?

He scares the shit out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c955w7/why_doesnt_chuck_norris_flush_the_toilet/
%
Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Doctor: you are?
Me: *screams*
Doctor: oh. I see
Me: *screams even louder*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c953vf/me_im_terrified_of_random_letters/
%
I saw my dad chopping onions today and I cried

Onions was such a good dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c953tm/i_saw_my_dad_chopping_onions_today_and_i_cried/
%
A Private is standing outside smoking

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.
A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"
The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".
The Lieutenant stares at him, mouth agape, then begins tearing into him. "What directly in the f*ck did you call me Private? I am not your buddy, I am an Officer, and you will afford me all the respect deserving of my rank! Put your heels together and stand at attention when you address me!"
The Lieutenant takes a deep breath, and looks the Private who is now standing ramrod straight, over.
"Let me ask you again, Private, and chose your words carefully this time. Do you have change for a dollar?"
"I do not, sir!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c94qe7/a_private_is_standing_outside_smoking/
%
Fred and Mary got married

But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, ok, tell me what you think!!!"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c94m78/fred_and_mary_got_married/
%
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: ...

"You have perfect eyesight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c94hi3/wife_i_look_fat_can_you_give_me_a_compliment/
%
What do you call a stick running for president?

A branch of government.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c94eiz/what_do_you_call_a_stick_running_for_president/
%
Why do you not see black envelopes in the mail?

Because black mail is a crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c948ir/why_do_you_not_see_black_envelopes_in_the_mail/
%
Who won the 1940 Tour de France?

The 7th German Panzer division.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c941hy/who_won_the_1940_tour_de_france/
%
Why don't black people take free cruises?

Cause they aren't falling for that one again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c941bk/why_dont_black_people_take_free_cruises/
%
Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

A small part of me says yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93z8g/is_my_wife_dissatisfied_with_my_body/
%
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

One of them snatches watches . . . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93x5c/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
%
What do you call fake shit?

Shampoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93vo3/what_do_you_call_fake_shit/
%
Why are ginger roles played mostly by everyone but gingers?

It's because you have to sell your soul to get anywhere in Hollywood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93trt/why_are_ginger_roles_played_mostly_by_everyone/
%
I walked in on my boss vigorously masturbating

He told me to stop masturbating and get the hell out of his office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93tne/i_walked_in_on_my_boss_vigorously_masturbating/
%
I saw my dad chopping up onions today.

I cried because onions was such a good dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93rdf/i_saw_my_dad_chopping_up_onions_today/
%
A man was waiting for the bus...[Plot twist]

As the bus arrives he hops on and sits right next to this lady who he asks her "hey sexy wanna bang?".
She replies "I'm a nun you filthy pig" as she jumps off the next stop.
When the man is about to hop off the bus the busdriver turns around to him asking:
Busdriver: You want to fuck that nun?
Man: Of course.
Busdriver: Ok heres the deal, on tuesday go put on a black coat, fake beard with glitter on it, head on to church at 6 pm and tell that nun that you're god and has come here to fuck her and she will fuck you.
The man hears out the busdriver and heads off to get the  equipment.
It's now tuesday and the man is fully prepared with black hooded coat and heads off to the church.
He enters the church and sees the nun all alone and says:
Man: I'm god and I have come to fuck you.
Nun: Oh heavens, you have to take me from behind because I'm on my period.
The man proceeds to fuck her.
After a long 3 hours of rough buttfucking the man takes off his coat revealing himself and starts laughing:
Man: Haha, I'm that filthy pig on the bus.
*Nun takes off her headscarf*
Nun: Haha, I'm the busdriver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93qic/a_man_was_waiting_for_the_busplot_twist/
%
Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?

Someone told him to get a long little doggie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93p0l/why_did_the_cowboy_get_a_dachshund/
%
Our southern neighbors are crude barbarians who rape and murder and destroy and we need a wall to keep them out.

Thank God we live in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93o5f/our_southern_neighbors_are_crude_barbarians_who/
%
I recently won $500,000 and decided to give a quarter of it to charity.

I just don’t know what I’m gonna do with the other $499,999.75 though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93nom/i_recently_won_500000_and_decided_to_give_a/
%
I have sex daily

I mean, dyslexia*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93nip/i_have_sex_daily/
%
A woman get cheated by on by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him.
After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: "Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answer. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk look her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that".
The monk shake his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93k8m/a_woman_get_cheated_by_on_by_her_husband/
%
My favorite joke

If you have 500 bricks on a plane and you throw one off how many do you now have?
>!499!<
How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
>!Open the door, then put the elephant inside!<
How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
>!Open the door, take the elephant out, and put the giraffe in!<
The lion king is having a birthday party, every animal but one shows up, which animal is missing?
>!The giraffe, he is still in the fridge!<
An elderly woman is trying to cross a lake, which is full of hungry alligators, anyone who has ever tried to cross it has been eaten, somehow she makes it across, how?
>!All the alligators were at the party!<
Shortly after she crosses she falls to the ground, dead. What happened?
>!She was hit by a brick!!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93jm9/my_favorite_joke/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93hd7/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
%
I have a crippling fear of elevators

So I've been taking steps to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93gm9/i_have_a_crippling_fear_of_elevators/
%
My friend went bald years ago, but he still carries his old comb with him.

He just can’t part with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93gc6/my_friend_went_bald_years_ago_but_he_still/
%
What does Donald Trump hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93fit/what_does_donald_trump_hair_and_a_thong_have_in/
%
A lawyer bought a brand new Porsche

He parked it in front of his office to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.
Furious, the lawyer grabbed his phone and called the police. Five minutes later the police arrive. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically “My Porsche, my beautiful new Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s in the shop, it’ll never be the same again!”
After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are”, he said. “You're so focused on your material possessions, that you don't care about anything else in your life!”
“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” sobbed the Porsche owner.
“Didn’t you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?”
The lawyer looked down in horror and screamed “Where’s my Rolex???”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c93dyg/a_lawyer_bought_a_brand_new_porsche/
%
A man enters a bar with a talking dog

He sits and signals to the bartender. He that tells him that he bets for a 100 bucks  that his dog can talk. The bartender says that this would be an easy win so he agrees. Then men proceeds to ask the dog: "What sits on the top of a house?", the dog says: "Roof!" The bartender then calls bullshit, so the man then asks the dog again: "How was the football game last night?", the dog says: "Rough!" The bartender calls bullshit again, so the man asks the dog a third time: "Who is the best baseball player ever?", the dog says: "Ruth!" The bartender now angry calls bullshit and kicks the man out of the bar with his dog. Outside the dog tells that man: "I should've said Mickey Mantle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c935a2/a_man_enters_a_bar_with_a_talking_dog/
%
A blonde is pregnant.

Brunette: Boy or girl?
Blonde: I want my first daughter to be a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c934a8/a_blonde_is_pregnant/
%
Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you don't get bored there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c930jf/dad_im_giving_all_your_toys_to_the_orphanage/
%
Guy 1: I have conversations with myself sometimes

Guy 1: yeah, me too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c92zs4/guy_1_i_have_conversations_with_myself_sometimes/
%
What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c92x9f/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
I saw a man pulling a chain down the street the other day

I asked him : "Why are you pullin' that chain down the street?"
He looked at me with a confused look and said: "You ever tried pushin' one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c92vlq/i_saw_a_man_pulling_a_chain_down_the_street_the/
%
"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything."

"Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c92u0a/remember_son_a_smart_person_always_has_doubts/
%
A teacher and his students are in the Anatomy class.

It's the first class of the semester, and everyone is eager to learn.
The professor starts "The first thing one has to do to become a good doctor is to be a good observant. The second one is to never, ever feel disgusted by anything."
After this observation, the teacher leads the students to the autopsy room, where there is a dead dog on a table.
"Let's do our first test. Everybody must do exactly what I'll do. Did I make myself clear? Exactly the same thing."
That being said, the teacher sticks his finger in the dog's butthole, licking it soon after. The students are disgusted by the scene but have to follow the teacher's instructions. Each of them sticks their fingers in the dog's butthole and then lick their fingers. Obviously, everyone's pretty pissed and disgusted.
"I want to congratulate you for your effort. That's essential to become a good doctor."
"However, you need to improve your observation skills. I stuck one finger in the butthole and licked another one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c92n1n/a_teacher_and_his_students_are_in_the_anatomy/
%
Karma-whoring is to karma, as talking about your sex life is to sex

If you do it, you probably don't have it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c92mfa/karmawhoring_is_to_karma_as_talking_about_your/
%
What kind of motor oil does Darth Vader use?

Sithetic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c92lwl/what_kind_of_motor_oil_does_darth_vader_use/
%
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people...

... then it exploded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c92f3a/chuck_norris_threw_a_grenade_and_killed_50_people/
%
A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico.

The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c92csn/a_german_asks_a_mexican_if_they_have_any_jews_in/
%
Why can't homeless kids be gay?

They have no closet to come out of

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c92cfd/why_cant_homeless_kids_be_gay/
%
A man was driving in a car with his wife.

He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c929rs/a_man_was_driving_in_a_car_with_his_wife/
%
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?

A: She can't find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c928vm/q_why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
%
Q: Why is sex like math?

A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c927vu/q_why_is_sex_like_math/
%
In the early 1900s, there were a number of deaths caused by people putting themselves in and trying to escape risky situations such as being handcuffed underwater etc. People blamed Harry Houdini, but I don't think he was really responsible...

...he was just the escape G.O.A.T.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c924cd/in_the_early_1900s_there_were_a_number_of_deaths/
%
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.

Kind of.. Kung Fusing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c922ls/there_are_so_many_forms_of_martial_arts_its_hard/
%
When I was a kid, we were so poor....

That Mom used to cut off the bottoms of our pockets on December 24th, so we'd have something to play with Christmas morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c91wrh/when_i_was_a_kid_we_were_so_poor/
%
A Day at the Doctor

An elderly lady walks into the doctor’s room.
The doctor sits her down and tells her solemnly:  “Tracy, I have very bad news for you...”
“The cancer have spread and you only have 10 to live.”
Sobbing, the lady replies: “10 what?! 10 weeks?”
The doctor then says:
“10, 9, 8....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c91w91/a_day_at_the_doctor/
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When I was a kid, we were so poor...

I couldn't pay attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c91w4l/when_i_was_a_kid_we_were_so_poor/
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If you believe in binary genders

the age of consent is 10000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c91swf/if_you_believe_in_binary_genders/
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"Dad, what's a drunk driver?"

"You see those two cars over there, son? A drunk person would see four of them."
"Dad, there's only one car over there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c91pog/dad_whats_a_drunk_driver/
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“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”

In America, a compliment.
In the Middle East, an argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c91mgf/youre_the_bomb_no_youre_the_bomb/
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My buddy has stopped trying to date cougars and is chasing something older!

Are those called sabre-toothed tigers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c91m59/my_buddy_has_stopped_trying_to_date_cougars_and/
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My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c91k5b/my_wife_is_really_mad_at_the_fact_that_i_have_no/
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The 4th of July

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c91ius/the_4th_of_july/
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Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.
Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey.
Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so.
A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee.
Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom.
She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned.
So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost.
He said, "You were right, honey, you were right! I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c91gls/bob_and_martha_have_been_married_for_15_years/
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How do you know that your sister is on period?

Because your dad's cock has a different taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c91don/how_do_you_know_that_your_sister_is_on_period/
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I finally got something that prevented my car from being robbed in America.

I bought a manual car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c918u5/i_finally_got_something_that_prevented_my_car/
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To make quicksand, all you need is 1 cup of maize cornflour and half a cup of water.

Let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c914zf/to_make_quicksand_all_you_need_is_1_cup_of_maize/
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What’s worse than a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c914mv/whats_worse_than_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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What's the difference between Reddit and Instagram?

Reddit fills your mind with thoughts.
Instagram fills your mind with thots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c912yg/whats_the_difference_between_reddit_and_instagram/
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Right before my dad kicked the bucket, he said...

Hey son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c90z75/right_before_my_dad_kicked_the_bucket_he_said/
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If watermelon has water in it...

Then what does a kumquat have?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c90weo/if_watermelon_has_water_in_it/
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What’s the difference between a hippo and an zippo

Ones big and heavy, the others a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c90vrn/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_an_zippo/
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A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

He grabs the guy’s cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.
The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my dick, are you?”
The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: “Nope. You are. I’m setting the garage on fire.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c90u4s/a_construction_worker_comes_home_just_in_time_to/
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Saw a guy at a bar chatting up a cheetah.

I thought, "Well, I never - he's trying to pull a fast one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c90too/saw_a_guy_at_a_bar_chatting_up_a_cheetah/
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I don't think log base 3 is possible...

The log is always the base of the tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c90op9/i_dont_think_log_base_3_is_possible/
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A man walks down the streets of New York dragging a dead horse.

A passer by sees the scene and intrigued goes and asks "What are you doing dragging a dead horse in the middle of the city streets?"
Man says "Help me cross it the street and I'll tell you."
Passer by helps him out "Now will you tell me?"
Man says "Help me get it up to the 5th floor of this building and I'll tell you."
So the guy helps him. They get to the 5th floor, "How about now? Dying to know"
"Help me get it into apartment 55 and I'll tell you"
They proceed in carrying the dead carcass into the apartment. "Come on man tell me, I've helped you!"
"One final thing, help me carry it into the bathtub and after that I promice I'll tell you everything"
They carry it into the bathtub. Both exhausted collapse on the couch.
The man goes:
"Ok my new found friend, here it is. Couple nights ago I was sitting relaxed watching the game, having a beer when the door bell rings. I go and open the door, lo and behold, it's the Devil. He says to me that he wants to come in and play a game of chess".
"And?!?!"
"And we started playing. I move my rook he says "I knew you would move the rook". I don't say anything, he's the Devil so I continue playing. I take his queen, he says "I knew you would take my queen. I checkmate him he goes "I knew you would checkmate me." That's where I snapped and punched him in the face. He gets up from his chair, goes to the bathroom, washes his face, bids me good night and leaves."
"Wow man, crazy story but what's the horse got to do with it?"
"Just wait man I'm not finished. Last night, same story. Knock on the door, I open it, it's the Devil. Wants to play chess again. Identical game. I move my rook he says "I knew you would move the rook". I don't say anything, he's the Devil so I continue playing. I take his queen, he says "I knew you would take my queen. I checkmate him he goes "I knew you would checkmate me." That's where I snapped and punched him in the face. He gets up from his chair, goes to the bathroom, washes his face, bids me good night and leaves."
"Ok man I get you, never heard a story like this, BUT WHAT DOES THE HORSE HAVE TO DO WITH IT?!"
"Listen up friend. Here's what it has to do with it. I betcha the A-hole will come knocking on my door tonight too, and I betcha he'll want to play chess again. And I'll betcha he'll do his same old routine again, and of course I'll snap and punch the living bejezus out of him, and he'll go again to the bathroom to wash his face, but when he comes out he'll say "You have a dead horse in your bathtub", and I'll say "I KNEW YOU'D SAY I HAD A DEAD HORSE IN MY BATHTUB YOU TWIT!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c90dw1/a_man_walks_down_the_streets_of_new_york_dragging/
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How to sell sugar for 100$ per pack?

Call it homeopathy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c90czn/how_to_sell_sugar_for_100_per_pack/
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I joined a gym and lost 10 pounds in first week.

They canceled my membership.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c909df/i_joined_a_gym_and_lost_10_pounds_in_first_week/
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When you are 14, it's okay to meet a girl in a park

... but its not okay to park your meat in a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c908y8/when_you_are_14_its_okay_to_meet_a_girl_in_a_park/
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What does a robot do after a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c908c8/what_does_a_robot_do_after_a_one_night_stand/
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What do social media Influencers and perverts have in common?

They both think people want their exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c908b9/what_do_social_media_influencers_and_perverts/
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My Baker girlfriend has 13 breasts. Sounds Weird?

Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8zzeb/my_baker_girlfriend_has_13_breasts_sounds_weird/
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So three close friends pass away and all go to heaven.

The angel welcomes them and shows them around.
At the end of the tour angel tells them:
\- "Since the heaven is huge you guys need car, so that you could easily travel around. So, the criteria for getting the car is like this: -  I ask you a question and you give me a honest answer"
They all agree and the angel asks the first guy:
\- "How many times have you cheated on your wife".
\-  "Seven times!" - answers the guy.
\-  "You will get an Opel Astra" - says the angel and asks the other guys:
\-  "How about you? How many times have you cheated on your wife?"
\-  "Only three times" - answers the guys and gets a Mercedes S class.
The last guys answers that he has never cheated on his wife and gets a Bugatti. They all separate and go their way.
After some time the three guys gather again. Everyone seems to be enjoying his time except for the guy with Bugatti.
\-  "You should be happier than everyone else. You have one of the best cars. What's wrong? What happened?" - they ask him. The guy with Bugatti answers:
\-  "Well, nothing special. I just saw my wife. She was riding a bike"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8zx0l/so_three_close_friends_pass_away_and_all_go_to/
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How can you tell if an ant is male or female?

Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ztiw/how_can_you_tell_if_an_ant_is_male_or_female/
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What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?

Hot Cross Bunnies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8zs2e/what_do_you_get_if_you_pour_hot_water_down_a/
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I sleep all day and up all night

Guess I have bat habits : /

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8zrdl/i_sleep_all_day_and_up_all_night/
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Why do they call diarhea a genetic illness

Because it will stay in your jeans forever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8zme1/why_do_they_call_diarhea_a_genetic_illness/
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Everyone was seated around the table when dinner was served. When little Susie received her plate, she started eating right away.

“Susie, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” her mother reminded her.
“I don’t have to.” - The little girl replied.
“Of course you do.” - Her mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Susie explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8zjes/everyone_was_seated_around_the_table_when_dinner/
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It was so hot today that I didn't dare to leave my dog alone in the car.

In the end I decided to leave my baby there too to keep him company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8zjbz/it_was_so_hot_today_that_i_didnt_dare_to_leave_my/
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If a midget with Downs Syndrome is running late,

are you allowed to say they're a little tardy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8zibg/if_a_midget_with_downs_syndrome_is_running_late/
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A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
“It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
My brothers haven’t been affected tho."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8zhf5/a_cowboy_who_just_moved_to_montana_from_texas/
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Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven..

As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Hillary," whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8zfo6/hillary_clinton_died_and_went_to_heaven/
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Man visits a doctor.

Man: Doc, i keep thinking that I am invisible.
Doctor: Who said that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8zdtc/man_visits_a_doctor/
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I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8zby4/i_thought_my_unborn_baby_might_have_a_fever_so_i/
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Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak.

The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.”
The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days singing your praises.”
The atheist says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll swim to Cleveland.”
“And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the Jew and the Catholic ask.
“Well,” says the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go rowing with other atheists.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8z7eb/jew_a_catholic_and_an_atheist_are_rowing_in_lake/
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The government is pansexual

They fuck everybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8yzfd/the_government_is_pansexual/
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What do you call a dwarf psychic that has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8yvtb/what_do_you_call_a_dwarf_psychic_that_has_escaped/
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How do you get a fat chick to get in bed with you?

Piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8yrw8/how_do_you_get_a_fat_chick_to_get_in_bed_with_you/
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A woman visits her son at the uni he attends

, he invites her into his dorm and introduces her to his roommate. The mother instantly suspects that they are dating. So she asks her son  Mother: “are you guys dating?”  Son: “no mom, she’s just my roommate, we even have separate beds”  The mother was still suspicious, she stayed along for an hour and then she left. The next day, the son was looking for their two silver plates, but he couldn’t find them. His roommate later joined him in the search but to no avail. So he messaged his mom.  “Mom, I’m not accusing you of stealing, but before your visit, we had two silver plates that have now gone missing”  The mother saw his message and replied:  “Son, I’m not accusing you of being in a secret relationship, you even told me you sleep on separate beds. But if that was true, then your “roommate” would’ve found the plates under her pillow”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8yosu/a_woman_visits_her_son_at_the_uni_he_attends/
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I just created a graph of my past relationships

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ymiq/i_just_created_a_graph_of_my_past_relationships/
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I called my plumber because my shower wouldn't work for my black friend.

"Well, yeah," he replied. "'Spigoted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8yjkr/i_called_my_plumber_because_my_shower_wouldnt/
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The Moral Of The Story (shortened version)

2 fishermen were in the forest fishing in a river.
They had a line in the water in one of their favourite secret fishing spots.
Now a fish came along and saw the line... And the fishermen saw the fish hoping that it would take the line because if it did the fly would drop 6 inches and they would catch the fish and have a tasty dinner.
BUT..... There was a bear watching the fishermen so If the fish took the line and the fly dropped 6 inches the fishermen would get the fish and then the bear would get the fishermen.
BUT..... There was also a feral cat watching the sandwiches that the fishermen had beside them.
The cat was waiting because if the fly dropped 6 inches the fishermen were going to get the fish and the bear was going to get the fishermen and the cat was going to get the sandwiches.
NOW.... The fish took the line and the fly dropped 6 inches so the fishermen caught the fish.. Then the bear got the fishermen then the cat got the sandwiches.
BUT...during the mayhem and confusion of it all the cat got knocked into the river briefly.
The moral of the story is... If a fly drops 6 inches a pussy is going to get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ye56/the_moral_of_the_story_shortened_version/
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What do you call 2 thots fighting?

A hoe-down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ydym/what_do_you_call_2_thots_fighting/
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Weightlifting really changed my life, i dropped 50 pounds

Straight on my foot, can barely walk now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8yb3k/weightlifting_really_changed_my_life_i_dropped_50/
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What do you call an Emo A capella group?

Self Harmony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8y6pw/what_do_you_call_an_emo_a_capella_group/
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I stopped going to gym and guess what I got.

A trophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8y6oa/i_stopped_going_to_gym_and_guess_what_i_got/
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What does a steady job and a blowjob have in common?

I recieved both of them from my manager

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8y3vw/what_does_a_steady_job_and_a_blowjob_have_in/
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Did you hear the Jim Beam warehouse was destroyed in a fire?

It burned all the way down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8y2j3/did_you_hear_the_jim_beam_warehouse_was_destroyed/
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What do you call it when an organic lifeform goes out with another organic lifeform?

Carbon dating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8y26c/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_organic_lifeform_goes/
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Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a night.

Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8y0wz/build_a_man_a_fire_hell_be_warm_for_a_night/
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Because of all the thunderstorms occurring lately, I lost 25% of my roof.

Oof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8xz38/because_of_all_the_thunderstorms_occurring_lately/
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Broke my finger today.

But on the other hand, I'm fine!
(credit to @dadsaysjokes on instagram)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8xykw/broke_my_finger_today/
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Does England have a 4th of july?

Yes they do, and a July 5th and a July 6th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8xw41/does_england_have_a_4th_of_july/
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Bedbugs got their name from being found in our beds.

Cockroaches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8xs5j/bedbugs_got_their_name_from_being_found_in_our/
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My mom said she wouldn’t even put me in an animation movie

Because i’d be rendered useless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8xk7o/my_mom_said_she_wouldnt_even_put_me_in_an/
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What do you call it when a cat wins a prize at a dog competition

A cat-has-trophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8xj55/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_cat_wins_a_prize_at_a/
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I felt the need to order a laser sight for my rifle.

I have been missing my ex-boyfriend a lot lately

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8xf9i/i_felt_the_need_to_order_a_laser_sight_for_my/
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An Israeli and his Czech friend were wandering through the forest when a bear reared up and ate the Czech guy.The Jewish guy ran to the nearest Ranger office,to report what happened. The ranger went off in his truck and returned shortly with two bears in cages in the back.

‘These are the only two bears in the vicinity can you identify which one ate your friend?’ The ranger asked
‘How could I recognize which bear is which?’ Said the fellow
‘Well,’ countered the Ranger’ One is a male bear and the other a female, maybe when the bear reared up to eat your friend you saw some junk or maybe you didn’t’
‘ You’re absolutely correct it was that male bear that ate my friend!’
With that the Ranger promptly shot the female bear.
What are you DOING? I told you it was the male bear that ate my friend…
‘We’ll see about that’ said the ranger and he slit open the female bear with his knife and the Czech fellow spilled out of her guts.
‘Wow’ said the guy’ How could you be so sure I was wrong?’
‘It was real easy’ said the ranger ‘You never trust a Jew when he tells you the Czech is in the male’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8xf74/an_israeli_and_his_czech_friend_were_wandering/
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I signed up for my company's 401k,

but I don't think I can run that far.
Credit: Norm "Old Chunk of Coal" MacDonald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8x67a/i_signed_up_for_my_companys_401k/
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Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Yes, but only partially.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8x4eu/does_sean_connery_like_herbs/
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A man walks into a restaurant

He sits down and asks the waiter “Do you have frog legs”
The waiter said “Yes”
The man then says “Then go hop to the kitchen and get me a soup”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8x18e/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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I spent all night, thinking about how the sun comes up......

But then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8x0o2/i_spent_all_night_thinking_about_how_the_sun/
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A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “are you allergic to anything?”
He replies “yes, caffeine, I can’t drink coffee.”
“Have you ever been in any branch of the military?”
“Yes, I was in Iraq for 2 years.”
The interviewer tells him, “that will give you five extra points toward employment. Are you disabled in any way?”
The man replies, “yes, a bomb went off near me and I lost both my testicles.”
The interviewer grimaces and says “okay, as a disabled veteran, you have enough points toward employment for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am-4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on being here at 10am every day.”
The man looks at him quizzically and asks “if the normal hours are 8am to 4pm, why don’t you have me start at 8am.”
The interviewer replies, “this is a government job. We spend the first two hours standing around scratching our balls and drinking coffee. No point in you coming in for that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8x07a/a_guy_goes_to_the_post_office_to_apply_for_a_job/
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Today, my therapist told me that I might have Multiple Personality Disorder.

I said, “Doctor, you must be talking to the wrong guy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8wzce/today_my_therapist_told_me_that_i_might_have/
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The secretary was leaving the office one night when she saw the CEO standing by a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very important document. Can you make this thing work?” The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Great,” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8wxcv/the_secretary_was_leaving_the_office_one_night/
%
How much do millennials weigh?

An instagram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8wv7p/how_much_do_millennials_weigh/
%
What does a username do when its hotel stay ends?

It checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8wouv/what_does_a_username_do_when_its_hotel_stay_ends/
%
A brief explanation of an acorn...

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8wo6a/a_brief_explanation_of_an_acorn/
%
A Doctor, a Lawyer and a Biker

A Doctor, lawyer and a Biker were sitting outside of a cafe waiting for their wives to finish their shopping when the lawyer said to no one in particular. Tomorrow is my wives birthday. She always wanted an in ground Olympic sized pool. So I had one built and if she doesn't like that I bought her an all expense trip to Aruba. The doctor and biker looked at him and said Nice. The Doctor said His wife's birthday is next month and he bought her a brand new Ferrari and if she didn't like driving it he would get her a chauffeured Limo. The Lawyer and Biker whistled. The Lawyer and the Doctor looked at the Biker and the biker says. My Wife's birthday was last week, I bought her a T-shirt and she doesn't like that I got her a Dildo so she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8wifs/a_doctor_a_lawyer_and_a_biker/
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My friend asked me what I thought about the state North of Texas

I told him it's OK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8wfr8/my_friend_asked_me_what_i_thought_about_the_state/
%
what is a mortician's favorite exercise?

the deadlift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8wd3k/what_is_a_morticians_favorite_exercise/
%
There’s a church in my neighborhood called the Glory House

Do you think their walls are holy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8wbyd/theres_a_church_in_my_neighborhood_called_the/
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Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.

Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?
Schrodinger: I do now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8wbsq/schrodinger_gets_pulled_over_by_the_cops_and_they/
%
What do you think is wrong with Dad?

Beats me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8w7oy/what_do_you_think_is_wrong_with_dad/
%
Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8w675/did_you_know_that_drinking_tea_while_being_too/
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People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.

I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8w49f/people_often_ask_why_im_so_good_at_dad_jokes_and/
%
Children are like lights...

...annoying when you're trying to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8w1jj/children_are_like_lights/
%
Last year I joined a group for anti-social people.

We haven't met yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8vyrx/last_year_i_joined_a_group_for_antisocial_people/
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Rene Descartes walks into a bar...

Bartender: "May I help you?"
Rene Descartes: "I think not", then disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8vyh4/rene_descartes_walks_into_a_bar/
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After his last appointment, my son complained about how his hair looked. I told him it'll grow on him.

His oncologist, on the other hand, is not as optimistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8vxl0/after_his_last_appointment_my_son_complained/
%
What sea creature never tells the truth

A lion fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8vx63/what_sea_creature_never_tells_the_truth/
%
A husband and a wife go to a family court to get divorced

Judge: You’ve got three children, how do you intend to divide them?
After almost an hour of discussion the couple finally decided and said: we cannot obviously divide three equally amongst the two of us, so we’ll come next year after making another one.
The joke doesn’t end here folks coz 9 months later and they get twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8vwrt/a_husband_and_a_wife_go_to_a_family_court_to_get/
%
What do you call cocaine cut with flour?

Diet Coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8vqyj/what_do_you_call_cocaine_cut_with_flour/
%
A man walks into a bar with a loaded six-shot revolver. He yells: "Which one of you bastards slept with my sister?"

One man laughs and replies: "You ain't got enough bullets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8vo3q/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_loaded_sixshot/
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Venus Williams, Freddie Mercury and Bruno Mars walk in a bar

They didn't planet that way!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8vg3o/venus_williams_freddie_mercury_and_bruno_mars/
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My buddy Jacque is a real ladies man.

He's tall, handsome, confident, and as if that wasn't enough, he's a fighter pilot.
Je makes it look so easy. He just walks up to this beauty at the bar and says in this sultry french accent "Hello, my name is Jacque, I am a fighter pilot." And she grabs him and drags him out of the bar and home to her place.
They start to kiss and he pours some red wine. "Your lips, they are so red and juicy like the finest burgundy grapes."
"Oh my god!" She moans and rips her shirt off.
He takes a bottle of cream and pours it on her chest saying "the pure white skin of your breast is like the finest milk of reblonchon" and he licks it off of her
Oh my god she moans, and pulls her pants off.
He grabs a bottle of 151 and takes out his zippo. <'Flick' and spit>he burns all the hair off her cootchie.
"OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" She screams
"My name is Jacque, I am a fighter pilot. When I go down, I go down in flames."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8vezz/my_buddy_jacque_is_a_real_ladies_man/
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Two lawyers walk into a pub

They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8vef4/two_lawyers_walk_into_a_pub/
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There are two things that never get old

1.Jokes about anti-vaxers
2.Kids from anti-vaxers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8v6zy/there_are_two_things_that_never_get_old/
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What's the hardest part of playing track in an American high school?

Telling which gunshot is the starter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8v5em/whats_the_hardest_part_of_playing_track_in_an/
%
The inventor of autocorrect died today

Rust in peeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8v4iu/the_inventor_of_autocorrect_died_today/
%
A man is at his wife’s funeral

and a woman asks him if she can say a word.
He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’.
The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8v336/a_man_is_at_his_wifes_funeral/
%
I went to the bank today while I was there an old lady asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over
Sorry if it’s bad this is my first post

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8v24r/i_went_to_the_bank_today_while_i_was_there_an_old/
%
I matched with a deer on Tinder.

It sent me a tick pic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8uwt0/i_matched_with_a_deer_on_tinder/
%
Hey,what's a race thing and starts with n and ends in r

Nascar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8uvoc/heywhats_a_race_thing_and_starts_with_n_and_ends/
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I dont get why people get hired as an unpaid intern

I doesn't make any cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8um8d/i_dont_get_why_people_get_hired_as_an_unpaid/
%
Three Dogs are in kennels at the vet. A mutt, a chihuahua, and a lab.

"What are you in for?" The mutt asks the Chihuahua.
"I've been humping the master's leg too much so they sent me here to get fixed." Says the chihuahua. "What about you?"
"I knocked up the poodle next door.  She's a purebred with papers so the neighbors are suing my family.  I'm here to get fixed as well." Replies the mutt. "How about you?" He asks the lab.
"Last night after getting undressed my mistress dropped her earring.  It rolled under her bed.  She got down and crawled under to get it but her hair got stuck.  I was really worried about her at first but then all I could think about was how good she looked naked and down on all fours.  So I mounted her.  She was still stuck and couldn't do anything to stop me so I went all the way."
"You mean...?"
"Yep.  I nutted in that bitch like she was the collie down the street."
"Wow."  Says the mutt. "You almost can't be mad at her for sending you to get fixed."
"Oh I'm not here to get fixed," says the lab looking at his paw, "I'm just here for a nail trim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8uhea/three_dogs_are_in_kennels_at_the_vet_a_mutt_a/
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What do you call it when your back spasms from carrying around all the money you made on contracts to detain potential immigrants?

A compensation cramp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8uh1u/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_back_spasms_from/
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What can go up a chimney down but not down a chimney up?

An umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ufm3/what_can_go_up_a_chimney_down_but_not_down_a/
%
And it was hilarious

I once made a time traveling joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ud9j/and_it_was_hilarious/
%
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month without sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ucj9/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married_at_the/
%
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.

He said I had hair like an emo.
He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8u8xl/my_bald_dad_commented_on_my_hair_earlier/
%
Muslim jokes

What happens when a Muslim gets mad
Islam’s the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8u7ew/muslim_jokes/
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Anti-vaxxers are the most logical people that ever existed.

The joke ended right there , pretty much like their kid's life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8u5u5/antivaxxers_are_the_most_logical_people_that_ever/
%
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them" replied the lawyer "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8u4vn/a_doctor_and_a_lawyer_were_talking_at_a_party/
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After reading the thesaurus I have a strong vocabulary of useless synonyms.

They’re unnecessary, worthless and redundant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8u3qd/after_reading_the_thesaurus_i_have_a_strong/
%
What do you call a dog magician?

A labra-cadabra-dor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8u2dw/what_do_you_call_a_dog_magician/
%
What's the best European city to 69 in?

Nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8tvvc/whats_the_best_european_city_to_69_in/
%
Knock knock.

Who's there?
Wakanda.
Wakanda who?
Wakanda dumbass question is that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8tvac/knock_knock/
%
It’s normally a father’s greatest joy to see his son laughing and smiling.

It’s just that he does it while stabbing a doll with 9 inch carving knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ttni/its_normally_a_fathers_greatest_joy_to_see_his/
%
I dated a midget for eight months

Had to break up with her though, because her nose was always in my business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8tt4p/i_dated_a_midget_for_eight_months/
%
How did the particle physicist escape his laboratory unseen?

He created a diverse ion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8tq6j/how_did_the_particle_physicist_escape_his/
%
Tesla

You can't Tokyo Drift in a Tesla
You can only do the Electric Slide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8tme1/tesla/
%
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall by Oasis.

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8tkui/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall_by/
%
This 4th of July please remember it's not "firecracker"

This Independence Day, please remember it's not "firecracker," that term is very offensive to some people. It's "fire-caucasian." Thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8tj4u/this_4th_of_july_please_remember_its_not/
%
My new thesaurus is terrible.

Not only that, it's also terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8thi1/my_new_thesaurus_is_terrible/
%
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?

ME: that's my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8th77/cop_is_this_man_bothering_you_sir/
%
I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8tfcc/i_hate_it_when_people_call_their_girlfriend_their/
%
Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book.

Now, they've got cameras

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8tf95/back_in_my_day_i_could_go_to_the_store_with_a/
%
Three Old Ladies Speeding

Three little old ladies are traveling down the road when they get pulled over by a police officer.
Police: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?
Driver: I don't.
Officer: It was about the speed you were traveling.
Driver: That's absurd. I was doing the exact speed limit!
The Officer was confused and said: Ma'am I clocked you on my radar going only 20 miles per hour!
Confused, the lady said: "Officer, that's what I'm telling you, I was doing the exact speed limit. See, 20 miles per hour. Right there!"
The officer has a chuckle and said: "Ma'am, that's the sign stating that you're traveling on highway 20. I'll let you off with a warning, please be aware of street signs".  As he was walking away he saw another little old lady in the back seat completely broken down, breathing heavy and grasping her seat in distress. The cop then asked the driver "Is she okay in the back seat there?"
The driver replies: Oh, she's fine. We just got off highway 185"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8td89/three_old_ladies_speeding/
%
What do you call a water slide with cocaine at the end?

A slippery slope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8tc27/what_do_you_call_a_water_slide_with_cocaine_at/
%
My favorite presidents were Lincoln and Kennedy...

They were both so open minded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8tbuk/my_favorite_presidents_were_lincoln_and_kennedy/
%
Our planet has no boobs or ass

Therefore, the Earth is flat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8t5wa/our_planet_has_no_boobs_or_ass/
%
What do you call it when your lizard doesn't do what it's supposed to?

A reptile disfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8t1ao/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_lizard_doesnt_do/
%
Do you wanna hear a joke that'll kill every unvaxxed person?

Actually nahhh, it's a bit rusty and I wanna nail it first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8t0rg/do_you_wanna_hear_a_joke_thatll_kill_every/
%
I have an idea

I vote we get rid of democracy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8t0mh/i_have_an_idea/
%
A Programmers son asks, why is the sky blue?

Programmer: It works, don't mess with it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8sudj/a_programmers_son_asks_why_is_the_sky_blue/
%
Had sex with a Welsh girl last night...

Managed to make her cwm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8stn8/had_sex_with_a_welsh_girl_last_night/
%
How did I escape Iraq

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8sti0/how_did_i_escape_iraq/
%
What do you call a ginger head that gets their revenge?

Red Head Redemption

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8sr1c/what_do_you_call_a_ginger_head_that_gets_their/
%
What do you do when you're from Alabama and you have to choose someone to have sex with?

Pic related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8sgjh/what_do_you_do_when_youre_from_alabama_and_you/
%
Today I caught 2 kids smoking pot outside my office.

15 minutes later my boss caught me and 2 kids smoking pot outside my office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8sfzk/today_i_caught_2_kids_smoking_pot_outside_my/
%
Marvel have released their schedule for the next set of Spider Man films.

* Spider Man: Homecoming
* Spider Man 2: Far From Home
* Spider Man 3: Going Back Home Again
* Spider Man 4: Going Out Again For A Bit
* Spider Man 5: Coming Back Once More
* Spider Man 6: Leaving Again
* Spider Man 7: Aunt May is Angry Because She Wants to Know Where I Keep Going But I Don’t Know
* Spider Man 8: Why Am I At The Supermarket?
* Spider Man 9: This is the Last Straw, Peter. Are You and Your Friends Doing Drugs?
* Spider Man 10: Going From Home to the Doctor to get an Early Onset Frontal Lobe Dementia Diagnosis
* Spider Man 11: Being Homebound with a Permanent Carer
* Spider Man 12: Escaping due to Carer Abuse and Ending Up in a Field Somewhere
* Spider Man 13: Getting a Police Escort Back Home before Dying of Kidney Failure Because I Forgot to Go to the Toilet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8sfyo/marvel_have_released_their_schedule_for_the_next/
%
Stop Cloning Around

A mad scientist managed to clone himself, but something went wrong. His clone would repeatedly stick his head out the fourth-story window, and curse at people below. The scientist was at a loss, and deeply embarrassed by his clone's behavior. After two weeks of pleading and threatening his clone, the scientist so no other alternative than to push the clone out the window. Within an hour, he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8sdmw/stop_cloning_around/
%
I was at a crowded bar the other day

When a man fell down and stopped breathing.
The waitress yelled out “does anybody know CPR?”
I yelled back “I do! I know the entire alphabet!”
We all laughed and laughed. Well, except for that one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8sce6/i_was_at_a_crowded_bar_the_other_day/
%
My girlfriend says that Adam’s apples are sexy

But hers is a real turn off for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8s7m3/my_girlfriend_says_that_adams_apples_are_sexy/
%
Girl comes out of the shower

And tells her lover "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"
\- "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8s7lq/girl_comes_out_of_the_shower/
%
Jimmy and Tommy are riding down the road....

When all of a sudden Jimmy yells at Tommy “Stop the truck! By god theres a goat with its head stuck in the fence!” So Tommy slams on the brakes and Jimmy hops out, runs over there, and starts fucking the goat. He is about to finish up when he yells over at Tommy “Hey! You want some of this action?” To which Tommy replies “Well hell yeah I do!” So Tommy hops out, runs over there, and sticks his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8rz6w/jimmy_and_tommy_are_riding_down_the_road/
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Rough life

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are in a heated debate over who's life is more difficult.
The cucumber says "man, I've got it rough...when I get big, fat and juicy, they rip me off the vine, slice me up, put me in a salad and eat me!"
The pickle laughs and says "that's nothing. When I get big, fat and juicy, the rip me off the vine, put me in a jar of vinegar for who knows how long, and THEN eat me!"
The penis doesn't laugh, but instead stares grimly off into space. "That's easy...when I get big, fat and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, throw me into a dark room and smash my head against a wall until i puke and pass out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8rya1/rough_life/
%
I didn't like my beard at first...

It's growing on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8rvwu/i_didnt_like_my_beard_at_first/
%
Turns out my wife has a bit of a green thumb

And I need to go to the hospital

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8rvvn/turns_out_my_wife_has_a_bit_of_a_green_thumb/
%
Tried to get video of Chuck Norris kicking a cap off a bottle.

But the cap fled in terror before it happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8rvu4/tried_to_get_video_of_chuck_norris_kicking_a_cap/
%
Me: *stares at medusa's breasts.* Medusa: "My eyes are up here."

Me after looking: *gets rock hard*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8rv47/me_stares_at_medusas_breasts_medusa_my_eyes_are/
%
A joke from my boss:

Me: a little germs never hurt anybody.
Boss: if that were true, there wouldn’t be a country named Germany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8roil/a_joke_from_my_boss/
%
What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park your car, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8rmdk/what_do_you_do_if_you_see_a_spaceman/
%
16 sodium atoms walked into a bar

Followed by batman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8rlr8/16_sodium_atoms_walked_into_a_bar/
%
A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:

The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything.
He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee,"
"OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?"
The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 points toward employment," then he asks " Are you disabled in any way?"
The man says " Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer says " OK, you are a disabled veteran. That adds 5 more points to your employment. You're hired. Work is from 8am to 4pm and we expect you here at 10am.
The man says " Wait, if work starts at 8am, why should I come in at 10?"
The interviewer replies " Well, for the first two hours we just drink coffee and scratch our balls. No point in you coming for that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ri3m/a_man_applies_to_a_government_job_and_he_gets/
%
If Gotham was a ghetto

Will there be Blackman and robbing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8rhz4/if_gotham_was_a_ghetto/
%
To the Person who stole my glasses.

I will find you.
I have contacts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8rh8d/to_the_person_who_stole_my_glasses/
%
My friends make fun of me because my girlfriend is imaginary

But the joke is on them, they are too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8rg3d/my_friends_make_fun_of_me_because_my_girlfriend/
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Just quit my job at the Helium factory.

There's no way I'm being spoken to in that tone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8rdv2/just_quit_my_job_at_the_helium_factory/
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So I told my wife I'm buying a new car...

Me: So sick of my car. I'm sellin it & buying a Honda—like Jesus
Wife: Jesus didnt have a Honda🤔
M: He was just humble about it
W: No he wasnt—b/c he didnt have a Honda
M: Really?? Then why’d Jesus say in John 12:49, "For I did not speak of my own Accord."
😅

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8rd46/so_i_told_my_wife_im_buying_a_new_car/
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For sale: Parachute

Never opened
Slightly stained

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8rcgb/for_sale_parachute/
%
What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8r939/what_do_you_call_a_rooster_staring_at_a_pile_of/
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A guy walks into a restroom

So, a guy walks into the restroom at a bar and sees a midget at one of the urinals. He walks over to the other one and starts to take a leak. Out of curiosity, he looks to the side and sees the midget has the biggest dick he's ever seen. After a couple moments of shock, he says, "Hey, uh... I'm not gay or anything, but I couldn't help but notice, well, uh... How'd a little guy like you end with such a huge cock?" The midget answers in an Irish accent, "It's because I'm a leprechaun. I wished it upon meself." "Well, would you be able to give me one, too?" asks the guy. "Sure!" says the leprechaun. "But, it will cost you." "How much?" asks the guy. "I'm a leprechaun with a pot of gold... What would I need your money for? No, you have to let me shag you up the ass!" The guy thinks about it for a few moments. "Well, for a dick that big, I could take it once, I guess." The leprechaun has the guy drop his pants and get down on all fours. He comes up behind him, slowly pushes it in, and starts to pump. "So, what's your name?" he asks the guy. "B-B-B-Bob!" he stammers. "And... How old are ya, Bobby?" "Twenty-seven!" "Now, ain't that a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8r5gt/a_guy_walks_into_a_restroom/
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Zombies

Undertakers:
Tie the deceased's shoelaces together before burial.
That way, if there IS a zombie apocalypse, it'll be as funny as fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8r0ea/zombies/
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My girlfriend told me I was the best sex she ever had

Hopefully that'll her dad from stop saying he's better than me at everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8r03u/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_was_the_best_sex_she_ever/
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I took a picture of a meteor shower that looked just like the main character from The Legend of Zelda.

Link in the comets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8qz7c/i_took_a_picture_of_a_meteor_shower_that_looked/
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My wife died from a heart attack while having sex

Talk about getting laid to rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8qv6l/my_wife_died_from_a_heart_attack_while_having_sex/
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In a job interview today, my prospective boss asked if I could perform under pressure...

Nah, but I can take a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8qu7s/in_a_job_interview_today_my_prospective_boss/
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A wealthy man had a little boy...

A wealthy man had a little boy. For some reason, his first words were "ping pong ball". When the boy was old enough to speak, and understand birthdays and gifts and such (about three years old), he asked the boy "So son, what would you like for your birthday this year?" The boy said, "Daddy, I would like a pink ping pong ball." Father said "That's it? No trucks, no trains no puzzles?" The boy said "No, just a pink ping pong ball.
So the father gets him the pink ping pong ball and wraps it up. The boy is absolutely delighted. He takes the pink ping pong ball to his room, and the pink ping pong ball is never seen again.
A day before his 15th birthday, asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have five pink ping pong balls.
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is pink ping pong balls that you want, a pink ping pong balls you shall have.
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday presents five pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong balls were gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a ten pack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. He said therefore, `If it is a ten pack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a ten pack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a ten pack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the ten pack of pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ping pong ball remained, merely the empty husk of the ten pack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father,but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
Dear son,' said the father,I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humor me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
Dearest father,' the son started,I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humor his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbor and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
Father,' the son said,You've made me very happy yet again.'
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one ten pack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'
`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls, the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
`I- I-'
Then he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8qsuw/a_wealthy_man_had_a_little_boy/
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Robin: Hey Batman, the Batmobile won’t start!

Batman: Did you check the battery?
R: What’s a “tery”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8qodv/robin_hey_batman_the_batmobile_wont_start/
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What do you say to someone who wants your nachos

These are mine, nachos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8qnyf/what_do_you_say_to_someone_who_wants_your_nachos/
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What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn?

Reintarnation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8qnqk/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_redneck_dies_and_is/
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Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!

Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.
Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8qnnt/me_petting_a_dog_aww_he_probably_smells_my_dog/
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Three kids were arguing about the meanest animal in the jungle

First kid: It's a lion! He'll come over and bite your head off if he catches you checking out his lady lion.
Second kid: Nope, it's a piranha! They will eat an entire cow if it just takes a sip of water from their river.
Third kid: You're both wrong. It's a crocogator.
First Kid: There's no such thing! What's it look like?
Third kid: It's got a head of an alligator at one end and a head of a crocodile at the other end.
Second kid: Oh yeah? A head at both ends, then how's he shit?
Third kid: He don't! That's what makes him so mean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8qmc1/three_kids_were_arguing_about_the_meanest_animal/
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I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.
So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8qm9d/i_saw_a_woman_drop_her_purse_in_the_high_street/
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Help finish a punchline...

Hey guys, I'm writing my first ever piece of comedic material (very amateur level) and I'm trying to finish a joke. I'm looking to see if anyone can help. The situation is that I have to share a prize with someone who I feel is beneath me so the line would resemble something like this...
"I'm delighted to have been awarded this honour. Although sharing it with Peter is like..."
The punchline can be anything but my mind has suddenly went blank. I know there is a good joke here. Can anyone help?
Thanks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8qkyy/help_finish_a_punchline/
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Why does Edam have such a unique taste?

Because it's made backwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8qk1w/why_does_edam_have_such_a_unique_taste/
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A joke about Europe my 4yr old told me

Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: Europe
Me: Europe who?
Her: Noooooo...you're a poo!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8qiqw/a_joke_about_europe_my_4yr_old_told_me/
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Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.
\*Ba dum tsss\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8qbmf/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
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I used to be a teller at a bank

Until a customer asked me to check their balance, so I pushed them over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8q9d3/i_used_to_be_a_teller_at_a_bank/
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What do you call it when Batman skips going to church?

A Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8q57q/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_going_to/
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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig

The F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8q330/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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Man- “How much time do I have left?

Doctor- 10
Man- 10 what?
Doctor- 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8q2kq/man_how_much_time_do_i_have_left/
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My social life.

That’s the entire fucking joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8q1e8/my_social_life/
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Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8pwrm/why_did_the_police_officer_shoot_the_iceberg/
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I've heard Dunkin Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of no nut November.

Their name will be Dunkin Nonuts for a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8pqpg/ive_heard_dunkin_donuts_is_going_to_be_the/
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Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!
Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?
Man: Yes.
Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?
Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.
Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked.
Man: How much?
Woman: $90,000
Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options.
Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it.
Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want.
Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much!
Man: Bye, I love you too.
The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8pm47/several_men_were_in_the_locker_room_of_the_gym/
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What’s red, and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8phdp/whats_red_and_smells_like_blue_paint/
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Funeral homes really need spoiler warning signs on the front of their doors.

In case any baby attends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8pc7v/funeral_homes_really_need_spoiler_warning_signs/
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What do a good competitor and a laxative have in common?

Both give you a run for your money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8pazu/what_do_a_good_competitor_and_a_laxative_have_in/
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Attractive young lady......

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me!!..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8paxk/attractive_young_lady/
%
You know the drill

But do you know the screwdriver.
Hehe I nailed that joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8pawc/you_know_the_drill/
%
A captain's first mate climbed to the top deck of the ship

He saw the ship's wheel dangling from the captain's crotch. He called out, "Ahoy cap'n what be that on yer crotch?"
"I don't rightly know laddie, it's drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8p834/a_captains_first_mate_climbed_to_the_top_deck_of/
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Whoever killed hitler is my hero

Wait a minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8p69b/whoever_killed_hitler_is_my_hero/
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What would Zeus’s car be called?

Greece Lightning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8p3nj/what_would_zeuss_car_be_called/
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What’s a communist’s favorite game console?

The Wii.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8p3gw/whats_a_communists_favorite_game_console/
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What do a trapeze artist and a guy getting a blowjob from an 80-year-old have in common?

Neither one wants to look down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8p06s/what_do_a_trapeze_artist_and_a_guy_getting_a/
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So the Pope is super early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8p01j/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
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How can we confuse the Chinese Government?

Make our military blueprints in the form of Ikea instructions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ozaf/how_can_we_confuse_the_chinese_government/
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A man is travelling down a desert road when he sees a sign saying "SPEED LIMIT 40". He lowers his speed to 40 MPH.

Half an hour later, he sees one with the words "SPEED LIMIT 20", so he goes down to 20 MPH.
Another half an hour passes, and he sees a sign with the words "SPEED LIMIT 10". Surprised, he slows down to 10 MPH.
After an hour, he sees a sign saying "WELCOME TO SPEED LIMIT!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8oxta/a_man_is_travelling_down_a_desert_road_when_he/
%
My boss at the trampoline store just got fired...

They found out he was paying us with bounced checks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ox3q/my_boss_at_the_trampoline_store_just_got_fired/
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Only if I had a dollar, every time a girl found me unattractive

Soon enough, they will start finding me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8owp6/only_if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_a_girl_found_me/
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If all men are pigs I must be gay

Because I love bacon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8owh5/if_all_men_are_pigs_i_must_be_gay/
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What do you calls a mathematicians bird that won’t eat ?

A polynomial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8otdu/what_do_you_calls_a_mathematicians_bird_that_wont/
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Whats the difference between Putin and a Submarine?

The submarine only went down on 14 Russian men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8otcx/whats_the_difference_between_putin_and_a_submarine/
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Yesterday my friend told me I “ often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful to say and it completely ruined our bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8oqpe/yesterday_my_friend_told_me_i_often_make_people/
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Why do we learn how to make bread in school?

It’s not like we knead it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8oo4s/why_do_we_learn_how_to_make_bread_in_school/
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Fishing in a puddle

**“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”**
**The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ojdv/fishing_in_a_puddle/
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Botched suicide

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world.  After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart. Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart.  He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple. The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ogak/botched_suicide/
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Roses are red, violets are blue

When I listen to Metallica, my neighbours do too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8oe7n/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl.

I thought to myself, ''please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection.''
But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8od4u/i_was_sitting_on_the_train_this_morning_opposite/
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I would make a joke about domestic violence

But I just think it would hit too close to home for some

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8o0zz/i_would_make_a_joke_about_domestic_violence/
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I asked my North Korean friend if he liked living there

He said he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8o089/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_if_he_liked_living/
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How is the Tiananmen square massacre similar to the Mueller report?

[REDACTED]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8nz45/how_is_the_tiananmen_square_massacre_similar_to/
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If you have sex with a hooker without paying

Is it shoplifting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8nvj8/if_you_have_sex_with_a_hooker_without_paying/
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I told my friends I have a date with a stunning woman

They told me she was imaginary.
Well jokes on them, because they are too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8nve8/i_told_my_friends_i_have_a_date_with_a_stunning/
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Arthur is 90 years old, and played golf every day since he went into retirement....

So one day Arthur, who is 90 years old, comes home to his 93 year old wife exasperated. "That was the last straw" he says, "I'm stopping with golf because my eyesight is so bad that whenever I hit the ball I have no idea where it lands, and I lose it!".
His wife makes him a cup of coffee. While they sit down she tells him, "Why don't you play with my brother, Norman?"
"It won't make any difference" Arthur says, "Your brother is 99 years old".
"Yes" says his wife. "But he still has perfect vision!" she explains.
So the next day Arthur invites Norman for a round of golf. He puts the ball on the first tee, and drives it perfectly!
Squinting, Arthur asks Norman "Did you see where the ball landed?". "Of Course" replies Norman. "I have perfect vision!".
"so, where did it go?" Arthur asks.
Norman: "I can't remember".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8nv44/arthur_is_90_years_old_and_played_golf_every_day/
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My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8nuez/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
%
Laughter is meant to be shared, so if you can make just 1 person laugh

you're not very funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8nt4f/laughter_is_meant_to_be_shared_so_if_you_can_make/
%
What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball?

She gagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8nozu/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_reached_the_ball/
%
I have a half sister

I don't know where the other half went

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8nng2/i_have_a_half_sister/
%
I don't always put an orange wedge in my beer

Except maybe once in a Blue Moon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8nm1i/i_dont_always_put_an_orange_wedge_in_my_beer/
%
Dying, the man's life flashed before his eyes. But he smiled.

He'd forgotten all about that meme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ng32/dying_the_mans_life_flashed_before_his_eyes_but/
%
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.
"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."
"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."
"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.
"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"
"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."
"Yes, yes I do have a house!"
"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."
"Yes, yes I do have a family!"
"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."
"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.
"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.
"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.
"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8nfdf/two_texas_farmers_jim_and_bob_are_sitting_in_a/
%
What are the two cleanest cities?

Bath and Washington

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ne48/what_are_the_two_cleanest_cities/
%
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna 1
Anna 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8n9xh/what_did_the_drummer_name_his_twin_daughters/
%
New study finds that most car accidents happen when men have been drinking alcohol.

Because their women are the designated drivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8n69h/new_study_finds_that_most_car_accidents_happen/
%
I tried to buy fertilizer and my card was declined. Its finally happened...

I cant afford shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8n5sb/i_tried_to_buy_fertilizer_and_my_card_was/
%
You don't need a parachute if you want to go skydiving.

You only need a parachute if you want to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8n330/you_dont_need_a_parachute_if_you_want_to_go/
%
What do you call a man who randomly steals French pancakes?

A crepetomaniac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8n2in/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_randomly_steals_french/
%
Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8mybj/professor_x_whats_your_super_power/
%
A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.

A lady walking by notices him and says, "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK," says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a computer programmer."
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8mvi0/a_guy_is_standing_on_the_corner_of_the_street/
%
Just read a book about Stockholm syndrome

It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8mrpy/just_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome/
%
What does a shortsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8mjb7/what_does_a_shortsighted_gynaecologist_and_a/
%
I tried to carry my board game onto the airplane, but the security said I can’t do it.

The Risk was too big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8migt/i_tried_to_carry_my_board_game_onto_the_airplane/
%
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8mdsf/on_the_first_night_of_their_honeymoon_the_new/
%
I don't want to sound like I'm showing off or something, but people put bricks through my windows...

...just so they can hear me practicing my saxophone louder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8mcu9/i_dont_want_to_sound_like_im_showing_off_or/
%
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours

They called it a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8mcsc/scientists_got_bored_watching_the_earth_turn_so/
%
A dumb American is on a vacation to the Netherlands

When he came a cross a Dutch man in the bar who asked him if he knew what logic was. No said the American. So the Dutch man asked if he had a fish bowl. Yes said the American. So the Dutch man asked:
So if you have a fish bowl you probably also have a fish?
Yes said the American
So if you have a fish you it's likely for you to also have other pets? Asked the Dutch man
Yes said the American again
So if you have multiple pets you probably have kids said the dutchman
That's right said the American
When you have kids its likely for you to have a wife to said the dutchman
Yes Said the American
So when you have a wife it means you are a straight man said the dutchman
Yes said the American again
So that's logic said the Dutchman
After a week the American went back to his home and asked his neighbor if he knew what logic was. No said his neighbor. So the man asked if he had a fishbowl. No said his neighbor. So the man replied: That means you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8m93g/a_dumb_american_is_on_a_vacation_to_the/
%
An Englishman asks a Welsh man: How many sexual partners have you had?

The Welshman fell asleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8m3k6/an_englishman_asks_a_welsh_man_how_many_sexual/
%
Don’t you just hate people who answer their own questions?

I know I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8lzgt/dont_you_just_hate_people_who_answer_their_own/
%
A husband walks in the door, sits in his favorite chair, and yells to his wife, “Quick bring me a beer before it starts!”

The wife brings him a beer and he cracks it, drinking it down quickly.
“Quick it’s going to start soon, bring me another beer!” He shouts. The wife dutifully obeys.
“Ok it’s definitely starting soon, bring me another beer really quick!”
The wife, now frustrated, responds, “God dammit, how dare you just come in and immediately start barking orders at me! I’ve been working all day and...”
“Aw shit too late, it’s starting.” Says the husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8lyhw/a_husband_walks_in_the_door_sits_in_his_favorite/
%
My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister

It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ltem/my_girlfriend_has_the_same_first_name_as_my_sister/
%
What did Himmler tell Hitler when they had too many metal ores to use?

Mine fewer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ltc2/what_did_himmler_tell_hitler_when_they_had_too/
%
If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, where are all the other genders from?

They were pulled out Uranus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ls9l/if_men_are_from_mars_and_women_are_from_venus/
%
If the eagle is the bird of war and the dove is the bird of Love ! What is the bird of true love ?

The Swallow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8lpuh/if_the_eagle_is_the_bird_of_war_and_the_dove_is/
%
What does 80 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8llkx/what_does_80_year_old_pussy_taste_like/
%
My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8lg7r/my_neighbors_listen_to_smash_mouths_all_star_a_lot/
%
My son asked me what it was like to be married

I deleted all the music off his iPhone except one song.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8lc0u/my_son_asked_me_what_it_was_like_to_be_married/
%
What is revolting and craved by the Chinese?

Hong Kong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8lble/what_is_revolting_and_craved_by_the_chinese/
%
A woman answered the doorbell where a man was standing at the door.

The man said,"I'm terribly sorry,but I believe I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you."
The woman replied,"Well that's alright with me,how are you at catching mice?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8l8e7/a_woman_answered_the_doorbell_where_a_man_was/
%
What do you call a cool sheep?

A baaaaaaaaadass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8l41o/what_do_you_call_a_cool_sheep/
%
Did you hear about the communist sniper?

He was an incredible marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8kyyd/did_you_hear_about_the_communist_sniper/
%
What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth?

Thomas the Crank Engine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8kudl/what_do_you_call_a_steam_engine_that_transports/
%
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ktm0/how_can_you_tell_when_a_lawyer_is_lying/
%
My wife lied to me

She said "This is where I draw the line" and instead she drew her sign on the divorce papers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ktg9/my_wife_lied_to_me/
%
How did the Scarecrow win so many medals?

He was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8krsu/how_did_the_scarecrow_win_so_many_medals/
%
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes ‘WHACK’ , “ah shit”.
A bad skydiver goes “ah shit” , ‘WHACK’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8khwv/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
%
Was hit over the head with a power tool yesterday.

I was standing there, minding my own business, then 'Bosch'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8kggm/was_hit_over_the_head_with_a_power_tool_yesterday/
%
After 20 years of marriage.. I like to boast my wife still give me sex almost every day..

Almost on a Monday..
Almost on a Tuesday...
Almost on a Wednesday..
Almost on a Thursday..
Almost on a Friday...
Almost on a Saturday..
And damn almost on a Sunday..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8kf54/after_20_years_of_marriage_i_like_to_boast_my/
%
I'm always second guessing myself

At least I think I do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8kdr1/im_always_second_guessing_myself/
%
My dogs chase people on bikes

Never get your dogs from the circus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8kcub/my_dogs_chase_people_on_bikes/
%
I used to work in a messy munitions and glue factory

I asked for a pay rise, but the management stuck to their guns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8kbl8/i_used_to_work_in_a_messy_munitions_and_glue/
%
I recently saw a documentary about bridges.

It was the most suspenseful documentary I have seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8kasl/i_recently_saw_a_documentary_about_bridges/
%
My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8k8pz/my_cousins_allergic_to_shellfish_and_i_laughed_as/
%
Why does princess peach keep toad around?

Because he's a "fun-gi"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8k74h/why_does_princess_peach_keep_toad_around/
%
Two clowns eating a cannibal...

One looks up and says, "What the fuck are we doing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8jzlu/two_clowns_eating_a_cannibal/
%
Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer

I get reported for sexual harassment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8jwqa/why_is_that_when_other_people_dont_take_no_for_an/
%
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.

They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8jvsc/a_man_meets_a_beautiful_woman_in_a_bar/
%
Why can’t you run through a campground?

You can only ran, because it’s past tents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8jpar/why_cant_you_run_through_a_campground/
%
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8jj6h/why_is_waldos_shirt_striped/
%
Did you hear about the disappointing shortage of seats at the Church of Fake Lazer Sounds?

They really need more pews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8jfvu/did_you_hear_about_the_disappointing_shortage_of/
%
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time..

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, sure. I would love to here it. " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8jfdr/a_young_artist_exhibits_his_work_for_the_first/
%
What has two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese telephone
“Wing Wing” “Arrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8j8f4/what_has_two_wings_and_an_arrow/
%
A man walks into a library...

Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?
Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8j74z/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
%
Jackson and Kevin

Kevin and his friend Jackson both loved baseball very much. One day, Jackson asked Kevin,
“do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”.
“Not sure” Kevin replied.
A few days later, Jackson was hit by a drunk driver and died. Kevin took it hard a would spend hours walking the beach. One day, Kevin heard a voice come from the sky, it was Jackson! Kevin asked,
“is there baseball in heaven?”
Jackson replies, “I got good news and bad news”.
“What’s the good news?” Kevin asked
“Well, there IS baseball in heaven.” Said Jackson
“And the bad news?”, Kevin asked
“Well, you’re pitching on Tuesday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8j71m/jackson_and_kevin/
%
I burned a wheelchair today.

HOT WHEELS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8j4lm/i_burned_a_wheelchair_today/
%
People always ask me for a joke about boners

But there really hard to cum up with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8j486/people_always_ask_me_for_a_joke_about_boners/
%
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8j2ru/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archaeologist/
%
A man met a beautiful woman at a bar

They were hitting it off and enjoying each other's company. Then, the woman asked if he wanted her to show him a good time. The man instantly said yes.
After they left the bar, the woman instantly sprinted 100 meters under 9 seconds.
The woman said : "How was that, was it a good time?"
The man said: "If you let me bring you home, I'll show you an even faster time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8izql/a_man_met_a_beautiful_woman_at_a_bar/
%
What do you call a mute Mexican

No taco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8iyvu/what_do_you_call_a_mute_mexican/
%
The character of Nearly Headless Nick was a bit of a letdown in the Harry Potter movies.

In the books, he had so much more development, including an entire deathday party. In the movies though, he was just so badly executed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8itmq/the_character_of_nearly_headless_nick_was_a_bit/
%
I will never be killed by a sniper

Not by a long shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8islb/i_will_never_be_killed_by_a_sniper/
%
A man had no love life so he went to see a Chinese sex doctor...

The doctor was named Doctor Chang and was an expert is changing people’s sex life. He said to the man,
“Take off alr of your crose,” the man did and looked to the doctor to see what was next
“Now crawr rearry fast to the end of the room.” Which the man did so Dr. Chang said,
“Now crawr rearry fast towards me.”
The doctor immediately knew the dude’s problem
“You have Ed Zachary Disease.”
The man was shocked and said, “Oh no, that sounds horrible! What does it mean?”
“Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8il95/a_man_had_no_love_life_so_he_went_to_see_a/
%
A sailor is newly stationed on a submarine. He arrives to find all the other sailors at their posts performing different tasks. One is scrubbing the floor. One is restocking the shelves. One is inspecting the missiles. Etc., etc.

After 15 minutes, all the sailors switch posts/jobs.  After another 15 minutes, they all switch again.  Happens a third time 15 minutes later.  This behavior is so odd, the sailor asks his commanding officer: “is this some kind of unique practical joke you’re playing on the new guy?”
“No,” replies the officer sternly.
“On this sub there are no original jokes.  Only lots of reposts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ibrj/a_sailor_is_newly_stationed_on_a_submarine_he/
%
I just saw a guy riding a bike while trying to sell a donkey.

He was peddling his ass all over town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8i6aw/i_just_saw_a_guy_riding_a_bike_while_trying_to/
%
Yo mama so fat

There's an entire movement that thinks she's flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8i3u0/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.

Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8i2gx/i_used_to_enjoy_cuddling_with_the_babysitter_when/
%
Why are there no knock knock jokes about the USA?

Because Freedom rings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8hwyw/why_are_there_no_knock_knock_jokes_about_the_usa/
%
A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job...

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Have you ever served in the military?"
"Yes, I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You are a disabled Veteran; you've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8AM-4PM. You can start tomorrow at 10AM, and plan on starting at 10AM everyday.
The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8AM-4PM, why don't you want me here until 10AM?
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ht5q/a_guy_goes_into_the_post_office_to_apply_for_a_job/
%
What kind of lights did Noah put on the ark?

Flood lights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8hl8i/what_kind_of_lights_did_noah_put_on_the_ark/
%
The worst drug in the world

is the one people use incorrectly as past tense form of the verb to drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8hc4j/the_worst_drug_in_the_world/
%
People often wonder why my wife divorced me

One day we were having sex and I told her she’s the only one I’ve ever been with. She said “awwwww” until I told her the others were nine’s and tens..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8hbsl/people_often_wonder_why_my_wife_divorced_me/
%
Barry, What do you think about gay people?

Well they aren’t fucking cunts, that’s for sure!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8h9b1/barry_what_do_you_think_about_gay_people/
%
Pinocchio was my favorite lover

Every time he lied to me it made me feel so much better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8h8ul/pinocchio_was_my_favorite_lover/
%
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8h7vf/a_friend_of_mine_tries_to_impress_girls_by/
%
Have you heard about the porn parody crossover starring Castro and Bin Laden?

It's called In-Fidel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8h6nb/have_you_heard_about_the_porn_parody_crossover/
%
A teacher handed out Lifesavers to her class.

She began to ask the children if they could identify the flavor by each candy’s color.
Pretty soon, the class had identified red for cherry, green for lime, yellow for lemon, and orange for orange.  So the teacher tried a harder question.  She handed out honey-flavored Lifesavers.  Nobody could figure out what flavor, so the teacher thought of a hint:
“They’re like something your Mother might call your Father.”
One little girl immediately looked horrified and spit her candy as far as she could.
“Oh my GOD!!! They’re ASSHOLES!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8h6dh/a_teacher_handed_out_lifesavers_to_her_class/
%
What's the best part about living in Sweden?

I don't live there but my friend told me that the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8h59e/whats_the_best_part_about_living_in_sweden/
%
Of all my body parts my dick has the most mood swings..

It is either up or down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8h1jq/of_all_my_body_parts_my_dick_has_the_most_mood/
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What is Samuel L. Jackson's favorite Greek tragedy?

Oedipus Rex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8gz53/what_is_samuel_l_jacksons_favorite_greek_tragedy/
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A soldier is newly stationed on a submarine. He arrives to find all the other soldiers at their posts performing different tasks. One is scrubbing the floor. One is restocking the shelves. One is inspecting the missiles. Etc. etc.

After 15 minutes, all the soldiers switch posts/jobs.  After another 15 minutes, they all switch again.  They switch posts a third time 15 minutes later.  This behavior is so odd, the soldier asks the commanding officer: “is this some kind of unique practical joke you’re all playing on the new guy?”
“No,” replies the officer sternly.
\*\*“On this sub there are no original jokes.  Only lots of reposts.”\*\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8gy79/a_soldier_is_newly_stationed_on_a_submarine_he/
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Why don't you hear jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?

Because the punch line is too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8gwcf/why_dont_you_hear_jokes_about_the_jonestown/
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Showerthought: Jesus made a list of sins that would keep you out of heaven and started it with "fornication." The apostles decided to put this list into the book of Corinthians.

6:9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8gvrr/showerthought_jesus_made_a_list_of_sins_that/
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20 years from now, kids will think Baby its cold outside is really weird. Were going to have to explain to them that its a product of its time.

Because it used to get cold outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8gvdo/20_years_from_now_kids_will_think_baby_its_cold/
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What type of animal is the worst to play cards with?

A cheetah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8guy8/what_type_of_animal_is_the_worst_to_play_cards/
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What's the difference between a tweeker and a junkie?

They'll both steal your shit, but the tweeker will help you look for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8gsq8/whats_the_difference_between_a_tweeker_and_a/
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A man goes on holiday to Spain and walks into a restaurant.

As he sits down, he looks up at the specials board. When the waiter comes over he asks, “Excuse me, what are *Huevos de Toro*?”
“Ah, this is one of our rarer specials”, replies the waiter. “They are the testicles of a bull that was killed in the ring today.”
The man orders the testicles and enjoys them so much, he comes back the following day and orders the same, only to find that they’re a lot smaller than he remembered.
“Why aren’t they as big today?” he asks.
“Well, sir, you see the bull, he does not always lose.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8goem/a_man_goes_on_holiday_to_spain_and_walks_into_a/
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Let's learn Spanglish! Today's word is elbow...

It's what you use to shoot los arrows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8gmmu/lets_learn_spanglish_todays_word_is_elbow/
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Everyone sat around the table at the arm amputee support group

Speaker: how about a group hug to cheer everyone up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8gjtl/everyone_sat_around_the_table_at_the_arm_amputee/
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In a small Irish town, there are four barbers on the same street.

Competition obviously was fierce.
One day, one of the barbers put a big sign in his window, “Best Barber in Town.”
Next day, the second guy posted a bigger, flashier sign, “Best Barber in Ireland.”
The following day, the third guy put up an enormous, gaudy sign saying “Best Barber in the World.”
On the fourth day, the remaining barber posted a modest sign, “The Best Barber on This Street.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8gg5n/in_a_small_irish_town_there_are_four_barbers_on/
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Two men are at a joke convention.

One man at the convention stands and yells "23", and everyone laughs. Another stands and yells "57" and everyone continues laughing. A third stands and yells "243" and everyone is howling with laughter.
Mark turns to his friend and says "I'm confused, they're just saying numbers, why is everyone laughing?" To which the friend responds, "This is a joke convention, we all know the jokes, so we just call them out by number to make it faster".
Mark sees his opportunity, stands and yells "79", and he's met with dead silence. He tries again, "403", and all he gets is a single cough.
He sits back down and says "I don't get it, why did nobody laugh?" To which the friend responds,
"You just don't know how to tell a joke".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8gf9s/two_men_are_at_a_joke_convention/
%
So I got a ticket telling me I parked really well

It said “parking fine”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8gdnv/so_i_got_a_ticket_telling_me_i_parked_really_well/
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I accidentally pooped my pants on an elevator today,

I took this shit to a whole new level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8g4tl/i_accidentally_pooped_my_pants_on_an_elevator/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8g3cs/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
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I’m officially 3 months clean...

I have successfully taken a shower everyday for the past 90 days, hope this can continue!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8g2ty/im_officially_3_months_clean/
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I once recived a ticket from the police telling me I parked really well

It said parking fine , so that made my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8g1g9/i_once_recived_a_ticket_from_the_police_telling/
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A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help build a school in Africa.

I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8g0kt/a_woman_with_a_clipboard_stopped_me_in_the_street/
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What rating did Jesus give the Romans for his crucifixion?

X/X... They nailed it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8g0j5/what_rating_did_jesus_give_the_romans_for_his/
%
A man comes home early from a business trip on a Friday morning and find his wife in bed with one of his friends

He shoots and kills both of them and goes to prison. A few days later one of his other friends goes to visit him in jail and his buddy says, “Hey man, it could have been worse!”
The man says, “Could of been worse?!? I’m in jail about to be on death row and in the electric chair. How in the hell could it have been worse?!?”
His buddy says, “Well if you came home on Thursday instead of Friday you’d have shot and killed me too!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8fzx2/a_man_comes_home_early_from_a_business_trip_on_a/
%
What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8fzq3/whats_the_best_part_about_gardening/
%
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8fsnv/i_bought_my_dad_a_refrigerator_for_his_birthday/
%
A guy was sleeping with a girl other than his wife...

...he then hears his wife knocking on the door.so he wished that the other girl would disappear,then a fairy appeared and told him that she would grant him his wish but he would drown in 2 years.he accepted and the girl vanished.two years later his friend told him about a vacation on a cruise ship.of course he accepted forgetting the whole fairy wish thing.when on the ship,the fairy appeared again and told him that she was gonna drown the whole ship,he said that it was his fault and all those innocent people shouldn't be punished for him.she then said:"no,I've been collecting you son of bitches for the past 2 years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8fsf2/a_guy_was_sleeping_with_a_girl_other_than_his_wife/
%
Mikey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce...

They are in divorce court. The judge asks Mickey to approach the bench. The judge says, "Mickey, you are divorcing Minnie because she is crazy?"
Mickey says, "No! I am divorcing her because she is fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8fpja/mikey_mouse_and_minnie_mouse_are_getting_a_divorce/
%
What’s black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8fl0c/whats_black_and_screams/
%
Why didn't the expired dessert get invited to the party?

It was very off pudding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8fkfb/why_didnt_the_expired_dessert_get_invited_to_the/
%
Where do they send the ironic Russian emperors?

The Tsar Chasm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8fjdd/where_do_they_send_the_ironic_russian_emperors/
%
How did you get out of Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8fcf1/how_did_you_get_out_of_iraq/
%
TIL: It's possible to bungee jump without a rope.

But just once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8fbag/til_its_possible_to_bungee_jump_without_a_rope/
%
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age

So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8f9r7/a_cowboy_was_told_that_if_he_sprinkled_gunpowder/
%
A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined  the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8f7tb/a_man_sees_a_sign_outside_a_house_talking_dog_for/
%
A couple where lying in bed when the doorbell goes

The wife says I'll get that she gets up (naked of coarse that's the best way to sleep) puts on her dressing gown and goes to the answer the door. She opens the door to the neighbor Dave standing there staring at her. Without hesitation Dave says "I'll give you 300 dollars cash if you drop that dressing gown" the wife knowing that Dave would be good for it and wanting the easy money drops the gown. After a good gawk sure enough Dave hands over 300 on the spot. On returning to the room the wife tells the husband it was Dave at the door the husband replies " Good did he drop off that 300 bucks he owes me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8f355/a_couple_where_lying_in_bed_when_the_doorbell_goes/
%
Bull v cop

An undercover cop called at my farm in rural Dorset yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8eyw9/bull_v_cop/
%
A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble.

The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam.  The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.
As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."
The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."
The doctor says, "Mine is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ewvz/a_man_is_in_an_emergency_room_complaining_of/
%
What's the difference between a child and a hooker?

Having sex with an hooker is frowned upon by the church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ew4s/whats_the_difference_between_a_child_and_a_hooker/
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So our local pub has been is under new management, a gay couple from Madrid no run it.

They've turned into a real "home from home" with a great menu of tapas and Spanish beers and wines. And, while not strictly a "gay" pub, they do have a regular LGBTQ night. Being a fairly open-minded straight guy, I went along. Imagine my surprise when I bumped into my sister, clearly with her lesbian lover! I was a little taken aback, as I hadn't realized she was that way inclined, but it turns out, she was mortified that I'd seen her, because when I cheerfully waved across the bar at her, she completely blanked me. It was like I didn't exist. I didn't expect the Spanish Inn Queer Sis Shun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8erii/so_our_local_pub_has_been_is_under_new_management/
%
What's the difference between Mormons and Baptists?

Baptists say hello to each other in the liquor store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8eqc3/whats_the_difference_between_mormons_and_baptists/
%
Did you hear the Speaker of Parliament was in a car crash?

He was really fucked up, eyes to the right, nose to the left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8epi9/did_you_hear_the_speaker_of_parliament_was_in_a/
%
Three potatoes were standing on a street corner.

Which one was the prostitute?
The one stamped "Idaho."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8eofg/three_potatoes_were_standing_on_a_street_corner/
%
Which State doesn’t have a natural body of water?

A Solid State

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8emue/which_state_doesnt_have_a_natural_body_of_water/
%
Did you hear about the fire at the Designer Shoe Warehouse?

Countless soles were lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8empr/did_you_hear_about_the_fire_at_the_designer_shoe/
%
Not saying my local pub is rough..

but the first prize at the pub quiz was two weeks alibi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8eex8/not_saying_my_local_pub_is_rough/
%
A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”.
“What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assistant declares.
“Look at him - he’s far too scared to cough.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8eay9/a_chemist_walks_into_his_shop_to_find_a_man/
%
What do you call it when an employee has sex with their boss to get a better position?

An interncourse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8e4sh/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_employee_has_sex_with/
%
What did Russia say to Ukraine?

Crimea river.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8e399/what_did_russia_say_to_ukraine/
%
Why did Donald Trump ban Pakistanis from entering the US?

Because Islamabad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8e0wa/why_did_donald_trump_ban_pakistanis_from_entering/
%
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot?

Mitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8e0fw/what_did_the_cell_say_when_his_sister_stepped_on/
%
All of the states in the continental US got together for a party. The only rule was that each state could only hang out with the states it borders. Everybody was having fun except for one state who said

"Is everyone else stuck talking to only one state, or is it just ME?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8e0a9/all_of_the_states_in_the_continental_us_got/
%
After a complicated operation, a politician woke up in a hospital bed

After getting his bearings; he discovered that the curtains were drawn around him. Turning to the nurse he asks "why are the curtains closed, is it night?"
"No", replied the nurse, "It's just there's a fire in the building across the street and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8dwmi/after_a_complicated_operation_a_politician_woke/
%
Was arrested after calling the rape advice hotline

Apparently it’s for victims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8dvkq/was_arrested_after_calling_the_rape_advice_hotline/
%
What do you name a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel?

Sparky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8dv5b/what_do_you_name_a_dog_with_no_hind_legs_and/
%
What do you call a dog barking under some rocks?

A subwoofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ds0d/what_do_you_call_a_dog_barking_under_some_rocks/
%
I went to the therapist after my phone died.

I just needed an outlet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8dma0/i_went_to_the_therapist_after_my_phone_died/
%
If i ever buy a female dog, ill call her karma.

Because karma's is a bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8dj49/if_i_ever_buy_a_female_dog_ill_call_her_karma/
%
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8dauz/a_wife_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
%
Two blondes chat

Blonde 1: Do you smoke after sex?
Blonde 2: I dunno, I've never looked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8d7mr/two_blondes_chat/
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I don't get why you always have to find x in math equations

Guess I'll never know y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8d5pg/i_dont_get_why_you_always_have_to_find_x_in_math/
%
What is the state that has the most colds?

Mass-ACHOO-setts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8d2c0/what_is_the_state_that_has_the_most_colds/
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Two muffins

Are sitting in an oven, slowly starting to bake.
One says, "Man, sure is getting hotter in here, don't you think?"
The other replies,"Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8d1u7/two_muffins/
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A bird and weed story

In the 1970s, law enforcement officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Terns would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no terns were left unstoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8d0u7/a_bird_and_weed_story/
%
I asked a tall handsome fellow at the sperm bank...

"Do you come here often?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8crtl/i_asked_a_tall_handsome_fellow_at_the_sperm_bank/
%
Attractiveness is relative

Especially in Alabama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8cq19/attractiveness_is_relative/
%
A flat-earther’s greatest fear is...

sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8cl88/a_flatearthers_greatest_fear_is/
%
Apple just announced the launch of new glasses!

Introducing ...
The iPatch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ck66/apple_just_announced_the_launch_of_new_glasses/
%
A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.
He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.
Men are simple like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8cjzf/a_guy_and_his_wife_made_a_list_of_people_they_are/
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What happens when you can't afford to pay an exorcist?

They repossess your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8cgyf/what_happens_when_you_cant_afford_to_pay_an/
%
What do you call a possum who can't pee

Awesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8cgiq/what_do_you_call_a_possum_who_cant_pee/
%
The problem with political jokes

...is that too many get elected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8cfye/the_problem_with_political_jokes/
%
Where is average made?

In the satisfactory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8cc9n/where_is_average_made/
%
A Military General Joking About Marines

This happened earlier today at a patriotic chapel service (could be the joke in itself)
Marine: \*walks into store in full uniform\* Hello, I'd like to purchase that TV set.
Employee: We are sorry sir, but I won't sell that to a marine.
Marine: This is outrageous and unfair. I will have your job for this.
\*The marine leaves and comes back in civilian clothing\*
Marine: I would like to purchase this TV!
Employee: We are sorry, but I will not sell that to a marine.
Marine: This is discrimination! You have to sell it to me!
\*The marine leaves, sleeps on it for a night, and comes back the next day hoping for a new employee to talk to\*
Marine: Hello there! I would love to purchase this TV.
New Employee: Sorry sir, but we won't sell that to marines.
Marine: How do you even know I am a marine? I am in my civilian clothes?!
New Employee: Because the TV is a microwave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8c8hz/a_military_general_joking_about_marines/
%
Never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8c7l3/never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
A sadist and a masochist meet for some kinky time

They go to the sadist's room, full of whips, clips, bondage stuff etc. The sadist slowly goes from one device to the next, eyeing the masochist.
The masochist can't take it anymore and blurts out "Oh yes master, whip me, spank me, hurt me!"
And the sadist, with an evil, horny grin, answers:
"No !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8c6c8/a_sadist_and_a_masochist_meet_for_some_kinky_time/
%
Frustrated Senior trying to re-set a password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER : 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50fuckingboiledcabbages
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER : 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER:50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:ReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8bvdr/frustrated_senior_trying_to_reset_a_password/
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I trust the doctors performing my Spinal cord bypass surgery

because they have my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8bthq/i_trust_the_doctors_performing_my_spinal_cord/
%
I pre ordered death on Amazon

it feels like it’s taking a lifetime to come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8bpg1/i_pre_ordered_death_on_amazon/
%
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive

Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8bnme/if_i_had_5_for_every_woman_that_found_me/
%
How can you spot a blind man at a nude beach?

It’s not that hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8bkla/how_can_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because you didn't fucking cook it.
\-Gordon Ramsay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8bjd8/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
What's the worst part about owning a Corvette?

Trying to keep your chest hair from getting stuck in your gold chain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8biho/whats_the_worst_part_about_owning_a_corvette/
%
Guy: "Truth or Dare?"

Gir: "Truth!"
Guy: "What's your phone number?"
Girl: "Eh.. let's do dare"
Guy: "I dare you to give me your phone number."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8bgbj/guy_truth_or_dare/
%
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.

The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same.
The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways.
All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought he was dead.
The man replies: "I was, but after two jumpstarts and a blood transfusion I feel fucking great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8bg8w/three_nurses_working_in_a_morgue_discover_a_dead/
%
What’s another term for ‘love with no boundaries’?

Incest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8bec3/whats_another_term_for_love_with_no_boundaries/
%
Why can’t dinosaurs play basketball?

Because they are dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8b1ji/why_cant_dinosaurs_play_basketball/
%
So the new blind emojis are finally available!

And here I thought they’d never see the light of day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8b0fx/so_the_new_blind_emojis_are_finally_available/
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Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
Its an old joke I saw from long ago, thought about it today and figured I'd share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8axbq/explaining_a_joke_is_like_dissecting_a_frog/
%
What do they call a banana hammock on the beaches of Massachusetts?

A Cape Cod Piece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8avgy/what_do_they_call_a_banana_hammock_on_the_beaches/
%
This is a story about a man. His wife has told him that if he ever comes home drunk she will leave him.

Nonetheless he goes out. He drinks a lot and throws up all over himself. He turns to his friend and asks what he can do. His friend is helpful.
“Go home,” he says. “Tell your wife someone threw up on you. And put a twenty pound note inside your jacket pocket. Show her the money and tell her the other man gave it to you for the dry cleaning bill.”
So this he does. His wife is at first angry. But he explains. He tells her about the drunk man who threw up on him. He shows her the twenty pounds.
She looks. “But why have you got two £20 notes?” she asks.
“Oh,” he says. “The other one is from the man who shat in my pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8at2l/this_is_a_story_about_a_man_his_wife_has_told_him/
%
I wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Don't buy it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8asb3/i_wrote_a_book_on_reverse_psychology/
%
If they repeat high school

aren't they a refresh man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ar5m/if_they_repeat_high_school/
%
I used to be addicted to soap

But now I'm clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8akgj/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
The shady workers behind the mexican restaurant,

Thats nacho business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8akbh/the_shady_workers_behind_the_mexican_restaurant/
%
What did Gordon Ramsay say when he saw a cute cat gif on Reddit?

ITS FUCKING r/aww !!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ai7c/what_did_gordon_ramsay_say_when_he_saw_a_cute_cat/
%
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8afvx/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_21_year_old_girl_today/
%
What is sodium's grandmother?

Na^(2)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8afvi/what_is_sodiums_grandmother/
%
A woman walks into a coffee shop and sees a person with a tiny man a tiny piano and a tiny stool

The woman asks the man where did you get that, and the man replys saying that there is a genie out back. The woman decides to check for the genie, while she's walking to the back she's thinking about what she will wish for and decides she will wish for 100 bucks. When she gets to the back she wishes for 100 bucks and all of a sudden 100 male deer appear all around her. Outraged she walks back inside and she tells the man "Your genie is a rip off, I asked for 100 bucks and I got 100 male deer." The man responds with "I know, do you think I wished for a 10 inch pianist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8afhl/a_woman_walks_into_a_coffee_shop_and_sees_a/
%
Today I lost my sense of humour.

It's not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8af9u/today_i_lost_my_sense_of_humour/
%
A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ac8y/a_soldier_looks_at_the_sky_and_suddenly_yells_we/
%
I tried to catch fog the other day,

I mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8ab8v/i_tried_to_catch_fog_the_other_day/
%
My 4 year old nephew just came up with this joke and proceeded to laugh for 20 minutes after saying it...

When Batman cracks a joke...
He becomes the joker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8a8qb/my_4_year_old_nephew_just_came_up_with_this_joke/
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I have to tell my girlfriend that I'm not into her fetish.

She's dying to get me to try necrophilia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8a629/i_have_to_tell_my_girlfriend_that_im_not_into_her/
%
Hear about the girl who banged her philosophy professor for a better grade?

He was deep in thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8a25g/hear_about_the_girl_who_banged_her_philosophy/
%
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm

"You're a blizzard, Harry"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8a0ka/hagrid_cremates_harry_potter_and_throws_his_ashes/
%
While most puns make me feel numb

Math puns make me feel number
had to move this to r/jokes, not oc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8a0fb/while_most_puns_make_me_feel_numb/
%
What is the worst part of having divorced parents?

You are three times more susceptible to dad jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c89vm5/what_is_the_worst_part_of_having_divorced_parents/
%
A gorilla goes into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.....

....the barman says “that’ll $25 please and I must say we don’t get many gorillas in here”
“With prices like that I’m not surprised” responds the Gorilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c89va9/a_gorilla_goes_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_gin_and/
%
My girlfriend sprinkles Greek cheese on her poop.

I really NEED to tell my girlfriend ,I’m not into her fetashits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c89u2y/my_girlfriend_sprinkles_greek_cheese_on_her_poop/
%
I have a friend called Fred who changes his name as often as he changes his shirt.....

..... he’s always been called Fred and he stinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c89tal/i_have_a_friend_called_fred_who_changes_his_name/
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What would Hitler call a gas planet, if he found one?

JewPiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c89k59/what_would_hitler_call_a_gas_planet_if_he_found/
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Donald Trump recently met with Kim Jong-un

"It was very informative. I didn't understand everything this fat and delusive statesman was babbling about but I think I could learn a lot from his cruel camps", Kim Jong-un was quoted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c89g0w/donald_trump_recently_met_with_kim_jongun/
%
Butterhead, celtuce, and leaf are all types of lettuce...

But thats just the tip of the iceberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c89ep0/butterhead_celtuce_and_leaf_are_all_types_of/
%
What is a chameleon's worst enemy?

A tongue twister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c89dz7/what_is_a_chameleons_worst_enemy/
%
My friends always been there for me, so I introduced him to minimalism

I mean, it’s the least I could do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c89dba/my_friends_always_been_there_for_me_so_i/
%
I always feel like there’s something electric about meeting the girl I stalk

It’s probably the taser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c89cr3/i_always_feel_like_theres_something_electric/
%
Why do men usually die before their wives?

Because they want to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c89bq0/why_do_men_usually_die_before_their_wives/
%
I told my friend his pH was over 7 and he didn't get it.

That's when I knew he lacked even a basic understanding of chemistry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c89913/i_told_my_friend_his_ph_was_over_7_and_he_didnt/
%
Bad parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday.  The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.  Every other word was an obscenity.  Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.  David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked.  He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.  He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.  Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.  He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.  The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”  David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8959a/bad_parrot/
%
Young thug

A young thug with his pants hanging half off his ass walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c893xm/young_thug/
%
A weasel walks into a bar.

“Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before! What can I get you?”, says the bartender.
“Pop”, goes the weasel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c89305/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?

There‘s one less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8906a/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
%
No dog meat please

Daddy, daddy, can we have a dog for Christmas? No, I think we'll have turkey as usual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c88tdl/no_dog_meat_please/
%
Who's the coolest doctor in the office?

The hip consultant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c88m2x/whos_the_coolest_doctor_in_the_office/
%
If I take a dump in a church bathroom

is it now Holy Shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c88kfz/if_i_take_a_dump_in_a_church_bathroom/
%
I’m bad at Greek Mythology

It’s my Achilles Penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c88j7k/im_bad_at_greek_mythology/
%
What is the opposite of adulting?

Just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c88czb/what_is_the_opposite_of_adulting/
%
Do you have any two-watt, 4-volt bulbs?

Sales Rep: For what?
Customer: No, two.
Sales Rep: Two what?
Customer: Yes.
Sales Rep: No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c88c8n/do_you_have_any_twowatt_4volt_bulbs/
%
After watching the first episodes of HBO's Chernobyl, as a resident of Pripyat, I can count on one hand all of the inconsistencies I have noticed.

So far, there are 27.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c88aps/after_watching_the_first_episodes_of_hbos/
%
Husband tells his wife that he's going golfing. She gets mad because she thought they were gonna spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."
Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."
The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course.
Husband says "ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window
The couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell. A very well dressed man answers the door, "Can I help you?"
Husband: "Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?"
Well dressed man: "oh no I am only the butler. Master is in the other room, follow me.
The couple follows the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master, staring intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball.
Husband: "oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didn't mean to.."
The master interrupts in an understanding tone "haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that vase for the last several hundred years. But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself, leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?"
Wife: "uh I want lots of money...."
"Done." Interrupts the master, " I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite. Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account."
Wife: "oh my goodness thank you so much!"
"You're turn", says the the master looking at the husband.
Husband: "I'd like a beautiful home in ever country."
Master: "and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay."
Husband: " Jesus! thank you so much!"
Master: "not a problem. As for my wish, well I have been trapped in that vase for so long and all the while without a woman. I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife."
Husband to wife: "I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all of those houses and an unlimited amount of money. You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different."
Wife: "yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from. Okay I'll do it"
The Master is thrilled and wisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end. Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt. He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, " if you don't mind me asking how old are you and your wife?"
Husband: " well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?"
Master: "just curious as to how you guys still believe in genies.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c88644/husband_tells_his_wife_that_hes_going_golfing_she/
%
The baker

I said to the baker..
"How come all your cakes are 50p and that one's £1"
He said..." that's Madeira cake"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c885aj/the_baker/
%
I really need to get this shit off my chest,

and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c87zfc/i_really_need_to_get_this_shit_off_my_chest/
%
A man walks into a bar and the barman says:

Hey! Watch where you're goin'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c87ydd/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_barman_says/
%
Three unwritten rules of life

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c87t2i/three_unwritten_rules_of_life/
%
I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was such a good dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c87pb2/i_saw_my_dad_chopping_up_onions_today_and_i_cried/
%
My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex

Just this morning she asked me "Is that the best you can do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c87own/my_daughter_has_gotten_to_the_age_where_she_asks/
%
The last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer so he would choose the one with the best act.
At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared because she came to the interview with a very long flowing cape, a whip and chair. The man showed up with a cigar. She looked more like a model than a trainer.
The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, “Ladies first.”
The female asked for her special music to be played and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip-snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.
The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, flung back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.
Our tiger now circled her sniffing the air and suddenly bounded to her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears.
The owner looked at the man and said, “That’s quite an act. Think you can do
better that that?”
The man said, “No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage first.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c87n9w/the_last_time_the_circus_came_to_town_an_ad_for/
%
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The girl at the counter asked the older boy, “do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “not exactly, but they’re not for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c87n22/two_young_boys_walked_into_a_pharmacy_picked_out/
%
Joke

I told my wife that she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c87mdt/joke/
%
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c87k8w/people_always_ask_where_i_got_my_incredibly/
%
Why hasn't America changed from lbs to kgs?

Because there would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c87j9q/why_hasnt_america_changed_from_lbs_to_kgs/
%
My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. "I want you to go!" she screamed. "Please, can we just talk about it first?" I begged. "Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

I sat down and continued, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c87ix8/my_girlfriend_packed_my_bags_today_after_finding/
%
Selling Paul Walker's keyboard on ebay ( $100 )

Disclaimer: it's missing a key ( previous owner lost CTRL ).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8798r/selling_paul_walkers_keyboard_on_ebay_100/
%
Why can’t a bicycle stand up?

Because it’s two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8750x/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_up/
%
A psychiatrist asks for a second opinion from a colleague

"I have this crazy guy in one of my wards, he likes to eat teacups. Have you seen anything like this?"
"Wait, does he eat the handles too?"
"No, that's the curious thing, he leaves the handles untouched."
"Well then he's definitely crazy, the handles are the tastiest part!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c870rw/a_psychiatrist_asks_for_a_second_opinion_from_a/
%
My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86yhq/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
%
One day a man discovered that his left testicle has turned blue.

So he went to his doctor. After examining, the doctor said it had to be cut off. He followed the procedure and returned home incomplete. The next morning he finds his right (middle) testicle and dick has turned blue too. He went to his doctor and sadly had to lose his package. Then the next day his thighs turned blue too. He went to the doctor thinking the disease must be spreading still. This time the doctor started laughing, slapping his forehead he said, "Bruh, yer underpants leaving colour".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86wya/one_day_a_man_discovered_that_his_left_testicle/
%
A communist couple were talking one day.

The guy starts and says, "Hey, I just a gotta go fix my car-"
The girl cuts in with, "Sorry, you mean *our* car?"
The guy says sorry then remembers and says, "Oh yeah, let me go get my phone, I wanna show you-"
The girl cuts in again and says, "No, ***Our*** phone"
The guy says, "Whatever, I gotta call my mom-"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86va7/a_communist_couple_were_talking_one_day/
%
Whats the difference between a cat and a comma?

One is a pause at the end of a clause, and the other, well he has claws at the end of his paws!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86v7e/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
%
What do you get when you cross a brain tumor with a german sausage?

The wurst headache

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86soz/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_brain_tumor_with/
%
My dog loved chasing people on bikes a lot

It got so bad I had to take the bike from him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86ror/my_dog_loved_chasing_people_on_bikes_a_lot/
%
I dislike my relatives.

But I adore absolutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86rfr/i_dislike_my_relatives/
%
What do you call a microbe on your spine?

Backteria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86qun/what_do_you_call_a_microbe_on_your_spine/
%
Why do women fart when they’re done peeing?

They cant shake it, so they blowdry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86qo7/why_do_women_fart_when_theyre_done_peeing/
%
Can you imagine a world without women?

It would be a big pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86p2q/can_you_imagine_a_world_without_women/
%
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring yesterday

The doctor said I was okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86mwi/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food_coloring/
%
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more.

He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the wife quite a bit.
One day, the toilet blocked up. So when her husband got home, she said sweetly,
“Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?”
Her husband snarled, “Who do I look like, a plumber?” and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work. Again, when her husband got home, she said very nicely, “Honey, the disposal has broken. Would you try to fix it for me?”
Once again, he growled, “Who do I look like, the plumber?”
The next day, the washing machine was out of order. When her husband got home, she worked up her courage and said, “Honey, the washing machine isn’t working. Would you check it?”
And again she was met with a snarl, “Who do I look like, the repairman?”
Finally, she had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washing machine. When her husband got home, she said, “Honey, I had the repairmen out today.”
He frowned, “How much is that going to cost?”
“Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.”
“Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?” he asked.
She smiled.
“Who do I look like? Sara Lee?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86jmq/a_woman_could_never_get_her_husband_to_do/
%
Why was Ivan Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86gaj/why_was_ivan_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
%
What's the worst part of being a pirate while in school?

Getting your report card back to find the Seven Seas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86ez9/whats_the_worst_part_of_being_a_pirate_while_in/
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I heard global warming is just a social construct

If it weren't for our society, it wouldn't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86ec9/i_heard_global_warming_is_just_a_social_construct/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Amazing food but just no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86dzw/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
Do you know the one about the blind hooker?

You had to hand it to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c869cf/do_you_know_the_one_about_the_blind_hooker/
%
It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”
After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”
“Yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with mommy!”
“Okay, then, here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”
“Okay, Daddy!”
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”
“And what happened?”
“Well, mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell through the upstairs window and now she’s dead.”
“Oh my god...and what about Uncle Frank?”
“He leapt out of bed with no clothes on, too, and he was so scared he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead as well.”
There is a long pause and then Bob says, “Swimming pool? Is this 554-7039?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c867tk/its_saturday_morning_bobs_just_about_to_set_off/
%
When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.
Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c867gg/when_i_was_a_little_kid_i_had_a_pet_turtle_tiny/
%
Willow Smith to her friends: "Sorry girls, I can't get jiggy with y'all tonight. My dad said,

'Na na na na nana na'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c86638/willow_smith_to_her_friends_sorry_girls_i_cant/
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New study finds that women with few extra pounds live longer

than men who mention about them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8634c/new_study_finds_that_women_with_few_extra_pounds/
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A father passing by his son's bedroom was atonished to see

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c861qw/a_father_passing_by_his_sons_bedroom_was/
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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c861hi/i_have_to_tell_my_girlfriend_that_i_dont_like_the/
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“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks the doctor

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”
“And is the bronchitis gone now?”
“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c85ztv/have_you_been_sleeping_by_an_open_window_like_i/
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Sometimes I wonder if I could kill someone, like do I have it in me to take a human life.. And then I remember...

Oh yeah, Debbie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c85z47/sometimes_i_wonder_if_i_could_kill_someone_like/
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A woman goes to a doctor...

Woman: Lately I have developed this problem of wetting my bed while sleeping.
Dr: Go behind the curtains, take off your clothes and do a headstand in front of the mirror.
The woman obliges. The doctor comes in, parts her legs and keeps his chin on top of her vagina.
W: So Doc, what's the problem with me?
Dr: You should stop drinking before going to bed, that's all.
W: Then why the hell did you make me do that?
Dr: Oh, I just wanted to see how'd I look with a beard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c85u8d/a_woman_goes_to_a_doctor/
%
Did you hear about the free roof?

It’s on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c85tp6/did_you_hear_about_the_free_roof/
%
Who is the funniest communist leader?

Chairman ROFLMAO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c85rm5/who_is_the_funniest_communist_leader/
%
A man sits in the doctor’s office waiting for the results of his test.

The the doctor returns and says, “I’m sorry sir, but it looks like you have diabetes.”
The man responds, “Well, I want a second opinion.”
“Okay... you’re ugly, too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c85peh/a_man_sits_in_the_doctors_office_waiting_for_the/
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How much coke does Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c85pde/how_much_coke_does_charlie_sheen_do/
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What’s Hellen Keller’s favorite color?

Velcro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c85ldw/whats_hellen_kellers_favorite_color/
%
I recently bought some shoes off of my drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c85eoz/i_recently_bought_some_shoes_off_of_my_drug_dealer/
%
Why was the computer late to work?

It had a hard drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c85dra/why_was_the_computer_late_to_work/
%
A guy walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist...

"I've gotta know, does Viagra really work?"
The pharmacist replied, "it sure does. In fact, I use it myself."
"Good to know. Can you get it over the counter?"
"Well, yes, if I take two of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c85cxr/a_guy_walks_into_a_drugstore_and_asks_the/
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memes are a lot like cells

if they don't die, they become cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c85cqx/memes_are_a_lot_like_cells/
%
Yet another Little Johnny joke...

Little Johnny was in the classroom one day when the teacher came in and said...
Teacher: Ok class today we're on the letter S! Does anyone have any S words?
Little Johnny raises his hand high. The teacher looks around the room for more hands. Sarah then raised her hand.
Teacher: Yes, Sarah?
Sarah: Super!
Teacher: Ok, can you use it in a sentence?
Sarah: The food I had for dinner last night was super good.
Teacher: That's good. Anyone else?
The teacher looks around the room for more people. Little Johnny is still raising his hand high. Luke then raises his hand.
Teacher: Yes Luke?
Luke: Songs!
Teacher: Very good Luke! Can you use it in a sentence?
Luke: I like to sing songs in the car!
Teacher: Very good! You also used sing, which is another S word! Anyone else?
Little Johnny is still raising his hand. The teacher is hesitant to call on Little Johnny, but she does since it would be unfair.
Teacher: Yes Johnny?
Little Johnny: Stinky!
The teacher is surprised by Little Johnny's answer.
Teacher: Good Johnny! Can you use it in a sentence?
Little Johnny: The big ass shit I took in my pants is really fucking stinky!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c85a2d/yet_another_little_johnny_joke/
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My gay friend recently opened up to his parents.

My gay friend was living with his parents when he decided to open up to them about his sexuality.
His parents racently had new carpeting installed over the hardwood floors in their home, and didn't find it unusual to not hear their sons footsteps throughout the house anymore.  But after not seeing him for a few days, they began to worry.
While he was missing, my friend told me he was pacing back and forth, back and forth- in anticipation of coming out to his parents about his sexuality.
His parents filed a missing persons report.  The police said there was nothing they could do, afterall, the only unusual clue was that his favorite pair of socks was missing.  Even his shoes still remained in the house.
After pacing back and forth, back and forth for *days*, my friend decided to open up.
Even though his parents were accepting of his sexuality, they were still shocked when he came out of the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c857u9/my_gay_friend_recently_opened_up_to_his_parents/
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How do you keep a prince cool?

Use an heir conditioner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8552p/how_do_you_keep_a_prince_cool/
%
Magician: I can make anything disappear.

Tom: \*holding a cup\* Do it to my tea!
Magician: \*waves hand\* Done!
om: \*holding a cup\* It didn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c852nj/magician_i_can_make_anything_disappear/
%
My Husband Wants a Threesome

"I dont approve of having a threesome"
"We've been together for 8 years! Why can't we spice things up?"
"A threesome will ruin are marriage and I will just be jealous."
"There's no reason to be jealous! It won't mean anything and I'll wear a condom."
"I said no! I can't stand the thought of you having sex with other people. Also, we are both straight and threesomes are gay."
"What?? Is it gay because we are two mature adults who can handle opening up to new sexual adventures?"
"No. It's gay because you're having sex with two men."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c851pa/my_husband_wants_a_threesome/
%
I’m a heavy smoker but then I watched a video on the dangers of smoking

I immediately quit watching videos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c85017/im_a_heavy_smoker_but_then_i_watched_a_video_on/
%
What's the difference between a nudist and a BMW?

The nudist has the dick on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c84z2r/whats_the_difference_between_a_nudist_and_a_bmw/
%
62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital “Loo-uh-vul”, while 38% say “Loo-ee-ville.

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c84v7p/62_of_kentuckians_pronounce_their_state_capital/
%
Fred and Mary got married.

But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, ok, tell me what you think!!!"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c84qqu/fred_and_mary_got_married/
%
the first time i had sex was like my first football game

i was bruised, muddy, and my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c84jnr/the_first_time_i_had_sex_was_like_my_first/
%
To the person who stole my antidepressant

Hope you’re happy now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c84de3/to_the_person_who_stole_my_antidepressant/
%
Did you hear about the word that is no longer alive?

It was pronounced dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c84b0r/did_you_hear_about_the_word_that_is_no_longer/
%
Only two people survived the sinking of the luxury liner and separately they managed to make it to a desert island.

The man who had been travelling economy class couldn't believe that his companion was none other than one of Hollywood's most famous actress. At first they remained on platonic terms but as the weeks passed natural desires took over until one night they tore each other's clothes off and did what comes naturally.
The next day he turned to her and asked whether she would mind doing him a favour. Would she dress up in some of his clothes? He had a pair of trousers and a shirt.
Puzzled, she agreed and when they met up later he patted her on the back and boasted, "Hello, mate, you'll never guess who I f*cked last night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c84arc/only_two_people_survived_the_sinking_of_the/
%
An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret...

...are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.
The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."
Not to be out done by the ranger, the seal chimes in. "Well we navy seals are so tough, one time I swam upstream 8 miles into enemy lines. Once there, I took out a whole company of enemy special forces, and snuck back out with 100 pounds of top secret weaponry."
The green beret just sat there nodding his head and listening while stirring the campfire coals with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c83zgi/an_army_ranger_navy_seal_and_green_beret/
%
A vampire walks into a bar

The bartender says "Let me guess, you'll have a bloody Mary?"
The vampire replies "Not today, just a cup of hot water please."
The vampire then pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm having tea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c83tci/a_vampire_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why should you never fight a dinosaur

You will get jurasskicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c83rla/why_should_you_never_fight_a_dinosaur/
%
“To be is to do”—Socrates. “To do is to be”—Jean-Paul Sartre.

“Do be do be do”—King Louie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c83nw7/to_be_is_to_dosocrates_to_do_is_to_bejeanpaul/
%
jawbone connected to the

dick bone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c83j2k/jawbone_connected_to_the/
%
I took my little sister to the cinema. Apparently the sex was too graphic.

Everyone asked us to stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c83gfr/i_took_my_little_sister_to_the_cinema_apparently/
%
A horse walks into a triangular bar...

... of dimensions X,Y, and Z, where X and Z are perpendicular. He asks the barman where the toilets are.
The barman replies, "Y, the long face"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c83gck/a_horse_walks_into_a_triangular_bar/
%
My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.

I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c839tz/my_wife_accused_me_of_hating_all_of_her_relatives/
%
Who’s the horniest person in town?

The butcher; he’s always beating his meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8345p/whos_the_horniest_person_in_town/
%
How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighborhood?

He uses his spider census.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c832pc/how_does_peter_parker_keep_track_of_the_number_of/
%
What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime mates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c832a3/what_do_you_call_two_monkeys_who_share_an_amazon/
%
What's the weirdest thing a woman can turn into?

A fish.
(Courtesy of my 15 year old autistic brother)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c830zj/whats_the_weirdest_thing_a_woman_can_turn_into/
%
I'm really good with dates 😎😎😉

But they're the eating kind 😂😂🤣

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c830p5/im_really_good_with_dates/
%
Does it bother you when people answer their own questions?

It bothers me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c82ykl/does_it_bother_you_when_people_answer_their_own/
%
Yo Mama so fat

I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c82pcw/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
Why is Lil Nas X's boyfriend so fresh?

Because he's still in the rapper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c82mvv/why_is_lil_nas_xs_boyfriend_so_fresh/
%
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c82i5o/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
Why did the straight buffalo dad march in the pride parade? [OC]

To proudly support his Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c827gj/why_did_the_straight_buffalo_dad_march_in_the/
%
True love lasts forever.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c823e5/true_love_lasts_forever/
%
I don’t see the problem with gay marriage.

Its perfectly fine if a gay man wants to marry a gay woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c821gi/i_dont_see_the_problem_with_gay_marriage/
%
I know every single digit of pi.

I just don’t know the order of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c81z8y/i_know_every_single_digit_of_pi/
%
How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. They just hold the light bulb and the universe revolves around them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c81tuh/how_many_harvard_students_does_it_take_to_screw/
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When I first realised that the two most fundamental mathematics constants spell pie I nearly died

Couldn't find my epi pen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c81pa9/when_i_first_realised_that_the_two_most/
%
Yesterday I ate a clock.

It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c81cg7/yesterday_i_ate_a_clock/
%
A condom walks into a gay bar.

Gets shitfaced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c815lv/a_condom_walks_into_a_gay_bar/
%
My boss just promoted me to his sexual consultant.

He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c812zh/my_boss_just_promoted_me_to_his_sexual_consultant/
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A midget with a speech impediment

goes to buy a Horse,"I want a female horth"he said to the dealer,
The dealer shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth."can I thee her eyes? the dealer picks him up shows him her eyes .
"can i see her twot?" he pulls open the mares pussy, picks him up and shows him it .
The midget says"i'll reefaze that,can i thee her wun awound?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c80yyq/a_midget_with_a_speech_impediment/
%
Check eMail Address Before Sending

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.  They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 35 years earlier.  Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.  So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida a day earlier then his wife.  The husband checked into the hotel.  Once in his room, he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c80wt4/check_email_address_before_sending/
%
My wife said to me, "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

I said, "Don't worry hun, it's not the dress."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c80tzj/my_wife_said_to_me_honey_does_this_dress_make_me/
%
Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He’s been going through some shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c80r8u/did_you_hear_about_the_depressed_plumber/
%
If God had a Lamborghini...

it'd be Lam of God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c80p4w/if_god_had_a_lamborghini/
%
I forgot to visit my depressed girlfriend

I kind of left her hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c80kw7/i_forgot_to_visit_my_depressed_girlfriend/
%
The Italian Mafia makes you an offer you can't refuse.

The Glaswegian Mafia makes you an offer you can't understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c80ka6/the_italian_mafia_makes_you_an_offer_you_cant/
%
Viagra shipment stolen

Cops looking for gang of hardened criminals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c80jtb/viagra_shipment_stolen/
%
My grief counsellor died last week

Luckily he was so good I didn't give a shit
(This is not my joke I saw it on live at the Apollo. Just wanted to share it with you)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c80iv2/my_grief_counsellor_died_last_week/
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While in North Korea they abducted Trump, and demanded the US give them a billion dollars or else . . . .

they would give him back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c80grn/while_in_north_korea_they_abducted_trump_and/
%
Why do the British build cars, but not computers?

They can't figure out how to get computers to leak oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c80gaq/why_do_the_british_build_cars_but_not_computers/
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What do good jokes and beautiful women have in common?

I don't get either of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c80a22/what_do_good_jokes_and_beautiful_women_have_in/
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My family all makes fun of me for having a low-paying job filling in spreadsheets

But I like having a job where I can Excel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c801wr/my_family_all_makes_fun_of_me_for_having_a/
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My wife asked me if I wanted kids...

I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c8014p/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_wanted_kids/
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What do fashionable ducks use to make s'mores?

Glam Quackers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c800dx/what_do_fashionable_ducks_use_to_make_smores/
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What do you call a house filled with birds

A burden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7zxh4/what_do_you_call_a_house_filled_with_birds/
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Did you hear about the ecoterrorist who tried to start another ice age to combat climate change?

They charged him with crimes against humidity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7zwu1/did_you_hear_about_the_ecoterrorist_who_tried_to/
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What's the difference between a snowman and snow woman?

Snow balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7zp4k/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_snow/
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Pride month shouldn't have been in June.

It should be in August.
After all, pride comes before the fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7zjtd/pride_month_shouldnt_have_been_in_june/
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How many alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7zhbb/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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What do you call a Buddhist that got reincarnated as an insect?

A Budapest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7zgfn/what_do_you_call_a_buddhist_that_got_reincarnated/
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A hunter shoots a duck and it falls on First Nations land...

The Hunter goes to get it, and a native man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."
The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.
They go back and forth for some time, and finally the native says, "My people have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns kicking each other in the nuts, and whoever gives up first, must also give up the duck.
The hunter thinks this over and decides that he really wants the duck to show off to all his friends so he agrees.
The native guy says he will start because it's their cultural tradition.
He gathers all his strength, takes a running start and sends his size 12 into the hunter’s nutsack so hard his feet leave the ground. His eyes crossed, he grabs his nuts and he let out a high pitch moan before dropping to his knees. Then his head slowly falls forward onto the dirt as though he was bowing at the native guy’s feet. For the next 20 minutes he stayed moaning, grunting and wheezing in the muck occasionally looking up to see the native guy looking down at him with a huge shit eating grin.
Eventually the hunter slowly and painfully gets up on his feet.
“Okay motherfucker its my turn now” the hunter bellows out.
The native guy just looks at him, grins and says “Nah don’t worry about it numbnuts you can keep the duck”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7zg1j/a_hunter_shoots_a_duck_and_it_falls_on_first/
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Why can’t witches have babies?

Their husbands have hallow-weenies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7zcbh/why_cant_witches_have_babies/
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Real men don't wear sunscreen.

They cry at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7z6h2/real_men_dont_wear_sunscreen/
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Nazi

Rudolph Hess edited Mein Kampf for Adolf Hitler, making him the first grammar Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7z52x/nazi/
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My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.

Grandma's taking it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7z513/my_grandpa_got_a_prescription_for_viagra/
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My nanny once told me of an emotionally distant but insecure yogi who fell ill and subsequently developed bad breath.

It was a super callous fragile mystic down with halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ywi9/my_nanny_once_told_me_of_an_emotionally_distant/
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A girl tells her sister that she slept with a Brazilian. To that her sister responds

"You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7yp4d/a_girl_tells_her_sister_that_she_slept_with_a/
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What dessert always comes back to you when you throw it away? [OC AFAIK]

A Blue Meringue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ylx9/what_dessert_always_comes_back_to_you_when_you/
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I played the drums once, but I swore never to do it again.

I didn't want to deal with repercussions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7xili/i_played_the_drums_once_but_i_swore_never_to_do/
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What’s the difference between your job and your wife?

Your job still sucks after six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7x1gi/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_your/
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There was an asteroid impact event in the neighborhood town. I went to see the spectacle.

I saw a glowing green celestial stone inside the impact crater. As I was moving towards it, I became all gloomy and suicidal that's when I heard a man shouting
"Mate! You are in a depression"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7wu3f/there_was_an_asteroid_impact_event_in_the/
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So you like men and women, but you’re still single...

I guess you’re just Bi-yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7wtjf/so_you_like_men_and_women_but_youre_still_single/
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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”
Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”
Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”
Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”
Me: “I think it's already on.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”
Me: “I don’t see that.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”
Me: “Yes.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”
Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”
Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”
Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”
Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”
Me: “In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”
Me: “Ok.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”
Me: “No. The door popped open.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”
Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”
Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7wo60/i_was_having_a_conversation_with_a_scammer_the/
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How many tequilas it takes to get drunk?

Just one. Don’t remember if it’s after the tenth or eleventh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7whhs/how_many_tequilas_it_takes_to_get_drunk/
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What do you do when a constipated man asks for your help?

You beat the crap out of him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7w4i9/what_do_you_do_when_a_constipated_man_asks_for/
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What do you call a Mongolian who wants to steal all your money?

A Kahn-Artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7vyqa/what_do_you_call_a_mongolian_who_wants_to_steal/
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Why do people with a foot fetish never win?

Because they love the taste of defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7vhyr/why_do_people_with_a_foot_fetish_never_win/
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Why was the computer late to work?

Because it had a hard drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7vh5z/why_was_the_computer_late_to_work/
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Genie: You have two wishes left.

Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead
Penie: And your final wish?
Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead
Penis:
Ms: Nics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7uz3e/genie_you_have_two_wishes_left/
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Does anyone want to buy an old theremin?

I haven't touched mine in years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7uyn8/does_anyone_want_to_buy_an_old_theremin/
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Where does one learn to make ice cream?

Sundae school!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7uxg6/where_does_one_learn_to_make_ice_cream/
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I went to the doctor last week. He said he needed a urine, stool, and blood sample.

I just gave him my underwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7uswl/i_went_to_the_doctor_last_week_he_said_he_needed/
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A young man goes into the public swimming pool because he wants to swim the 100 meters.

At the edge of the pool are sitting three elderly ladies and watch him swimming the 100 meters in one and a half minutes.
As he climbs out of the pool, one of the three ladies says, "Not bad, but I'm 70 years old and can do it better!" "I do not think so, you have to prove that to me!" Says the young man.
Said, done, the old woman jumps into the pool and floats the 100 meters in 1 minute and 20 seconds. "How did you do that?" Asks the young man. "I used to be a European champion in swimming!", says the lady and sits down again.
"Ha, that's nothing! I'm 80 years old and I'm faster!", the next Lady says. She jumps into the pool to prove it and swims the 100 meters in 1 minute.
Everyone is completely stunned and the young man asks how she did it. "I used to be a world record holder in swimming and I'm still in good shape!"
The third old lady stands up and says: "That's ridiculous, I'm 90 years old and I'm much faster than you!" She jumps into the pool and swims the 100 meters in 50 seconds!
"This is a new world record!" says the 80-year-old.
"Incredible!" says the 70-year-old,
"How the hell did you do that?" the young man asks.
Says the 90-year-old: "Oh, that was easy! I used to be a prostitue in Venice and did home visits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7urcr/a_young_man_goes_into_the_public_swimming_pool/
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What do you call a nun that's also a lawyer?

A sister in law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7upi5/what_do_you_call_a_nun_thats_also_a_lawyer/
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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

\[Twice removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7up8g/dont_know_why_this_got_removed_the_first_time_ill/
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Isaac Newton died a virgin, which means I have a one up on one of history's greatest scientists

Because I'm not dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ueim/isaac_newton_died_a_virgin_which_means_i_have_a/
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What do you call a sad coffee?

A depresso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7udqm/what_do_you_call_a_sad_coffee/
%
Why did the innocent painting go to prison?

Because it was framed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ubs8/why_did_the_innocent_painting_go_to_prison/
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Did you hear about the guy who smuggled cocaine up his butt?

He was shitting bricks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7u4u2/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_smuggled_cocaine/
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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was  an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7u3y3/a_student_visits_the_principals_office_one_day/
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When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof...

I was shocked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7u3jr/when_i_found_out_my_toaster_wasnt_waterproof/
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Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *(holding cup)* do it to my tea
Magician: *(waves hand)* done
om: *(holding cup)* it didn’t work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7u3ha/magician_i_can_make_anything_disappear/
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What's the difference between a child and a hooker?

If you can't tell the difference, maybe you shouldn't be here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7u2up/whats_the_difference_between_a_child_and_a_hooker/
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What does a Jamaican eat for breakfast?

A beer can sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7tza3/what_does_a_jamaican_eat_for_breakfast/
%
Some people say that when a pepper is really small it's a sign that it is very hot...

...but, in reality, it's a little chili

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7txx1/some_people_say_that_when_a_pepper_is_really/
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How do Alabama people like their butter?

Inbred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7tw6n/how_do_alabama_people_like_their_butter/
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What do you call a five foot psychic that's escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7tu63/what_do_you_call_a_five_foot_psychic_thats/
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Why did the astronaut refuse to return home to see his girlfriend?

He needed more space.
(In case you're running low on dad jokes!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7tsbu/why_did_the_astronaut_refuse_to_return_home_to/
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I was walking down the street when I passed a Comcast technician near his van and he asked me what time it was

I said “it’s between 8am and 1pm”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7toas/i_was_walking_down_the_street_when_i_passed_a/
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What is the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7to78/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction...

So I packed all my bags and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7tll3/my_wife_is_mad_at_me_says_i_have_no_sense_of/
%
I would never vaccinate my kids

That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive, and harmful.
I would take my kids to the doctor so he can vaccinate them instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7tkq5/i_would_never_vaccinate_my_kids/
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Have you heard the story about the watch, clock and sandglass?

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7tkk9/have_you_heard_the_story_about_the_watch_clock/
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These immigrant internment centers are worse than Nazi concentration camps

The concentration camps at least had working showers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7tj73/these_immigrant_internment_centers_are_worse_than/
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Who keeps order in a nazi school?

A dissipline Aryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7tj00/who_keeps_order_in_a_nazi_school/
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Why does Trump not wear glasses?

Because he already sees 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7tii7/why_does_trump_not_wear_glasses/
%
I saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep

It was a Lamb-Bikini...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7thv5/i_saw_a_sports_car_being_driven_by_a_scantily/
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My comeback against my kid today

Me: *picks up a toy burger from his toy stove while he is cheerfully playing*
Him: Put it back or I'll tell the cops.
Me: Pretty sure they won't bother over some patty crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7teer/my_comeback_against_my_kid_today/
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What do you call a criminal proposal?

A fell-on-knee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7te8w/what_do_you_call_a_criminal_proposal/
%
My grandfather just told me how his brother died in Auschwitz..

The poor bastard fell off the guard tower during his shift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7tbgg/my_grandfather_just_told_me_how_his_brother_died/
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They used to call my ex kit kat..

Never understood that as u only get two fingers in a kit kat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7t8vy/they_used_to_call_my_ex_kit_kat/
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What’s it called when you make a woman a knight, take her virginity and then disappear ?

A one knight stand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7t54m/whats_it_called_when_you_make_a_woman_a_knight/
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I got my weiner stuck in the DVD hole of that Pixar movie with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7t4s8/i_got_my_weiner_stuck_in_the_dvd_hole_of_that/
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NSFW Long (pun intended) - voodoo dildo

A couple’s was coming up on their 25th anniversary, and the husband was going to be out of town for work. Being such an important date he really wanted something special.
He explained this to a store owner and the owner listened, and told him to come to the back room.
In the back,the owner grabs an old dusty box from the top of a wooden shelf, blows all the dust off and opens it up. There was a dildo.
“A dildo? You brought me here for a dildo?” Said the man
“Sir, this isn’t just *any* dildo, this here is a voodoo dildo.
“A voodoo dildo?”
“Yep, watch this....voodoo dildo, door”
Right away the dildo hovers a foot into the air and begins fucking the door.
“HOLY SHIT” the man screams, that’s incredible!
The owner says the magic word and the dildo falls to the ground immediately. Extremely impressed the man buys it for his wife.
Later that night he left the present and a note and left town for work.
In the morning, after reading the instructions, the woman decides to use it on her way to work. Wow, did she ever enjoy it, eventually getting pulled over by a policeman.
“Ma’am I pulled you over because you’re driving carelessly, you’re all over the place, have you been drinking?”
“No officer I haven’t, im so sorry about this but my husband bought me this voodoo dildo and I’ve forgotten the words to make it stop”
“You expect me to believe that? Says the cop
“I know it’s crazy officer, but you have to believe me it’s this unstoppable voodoo dildo”
The officer takes out a pen and begins to write her a ticket, he chuckles and exclaims “HA! Voodoo dildo, my ass”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7t4i5/nsfw_long_pun_intended_voodoo_dildo/
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The lazy composer was a busy man

as he had several scores to settle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7t43x/the_lazy_composer_was_a_busy_man/
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Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7t1cr/why_dont_italians_like_jehovahs_witnesses/
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Today I messed up my signature on a cheque.

It isn't a good sign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7t0nq/today_i_messed_up_my_signature_on_a_cheque/
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Cancelled

The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled.
Tickets are non-refundable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7szmg/cancelled/
%
Aliens landed at my local library this morning.

Their first words to us were: "Take me to your reader."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ssg0/aliens_landed_at_my_local_library_this_morning/
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What is the favourite fruit of feminists?

Mangoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7sr4x/what_is_the_favourite_fruit_of_feminists/
%
What happened when gravity was first turned on?

Shit went down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7sr37/what_happened_when_gravity_was_first_turned_on/
%
A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f\*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7sq7k/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see

the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7spun/a_father_passing_by_his_sons_bedroom_was/
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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7spkx/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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Job offers be like: we need a virgin with two years experience in sex

That's why I'll do my own business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7soic/job_offers_be_like_we_need_a_virgin_with_two/
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A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.
The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might be easier than they thought.
The ME starts by cutting the man wide open and begins to remove his organs, handing them to the ex-carpenter to bag and label: heart, liver, lungs, stomach, intestines, kidneys, everything. By this point the ex-carpenter is flecked with blood and viscera and looks pale and sickly.
Eventually, the ME comes to the brain. He pulls out a bone-saw the length of his arm and begins unceremoniously hacking away at the man’s skull, chunks of flesh and bone fly wild and by this point the ex-carpenter is covered in blood.
The ME is having real trouble with the skull, he’s been sawing for minutes now and the ex-carpenter is physically shaking, the blood vessels popping in his neck and forehead, his knuckles clenched white.
Finally he lets out a scream and wrestles the saw from the ME’s hands, but before the detectives can congratulate each other the ex-carpenter takes the saw to the man’s skull and bellows:
LET THE SAW DO THE WORK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7smko/a_carpenter_quits_his_job_and_becomes_a_detective/
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What do you call a camera made out of cheese?

A GoProvolone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7sm7k/what_do_you_call_a_camera_made_out_of_cheese/
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What do you call a Chinese man with an amputated leg?

Wan Shu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7shup/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_man_with_an_amputated/
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Which mouse can walk with two legs? Mickey Mouse. But which duck can walk with two legs?

All of them dumbass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7sg1y/which_mouse_can_walk_with_two_legs_mickey_mouse/
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A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly

This shows how toxic the media is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7scxx/a_cockroach_can_survive_a_nuclear_holocaust_but/
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What did the Redditor say after having sex for the first time?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7scdx/what_did_the_redditor_say_after_having_sex_for/
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The best of them all

Ethical Vegetarians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7sa92/the_best_of_them_all/
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"I asked my wife how many men she slept with...

She said "only you Babe, all the others kept me up all night" "
(credit : Al Snow)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7s9xr/i_asked_my_wife_how_many_men_she_slept_with/
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I keep telling myself that my Thai bride isn't a ladyboy.

But something inside me feels like she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7s85q/i_keep_telling_myself_that_my_thai_bride_isnt_a/
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If you had sex 365 times in one year and melted the rubbers down to make a tire, what would you call it?

A fucking Goodyear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7rpyo/if_you_had_sex_365_times_in_one_year_and_melted/
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A redneck walks into a bar

Bartender: How's it going?
Redneck: Good, Going to visit my grandparents later.
Bartender: Mother's side or father's side?
Redneck: Yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7rp5u/a_redneck_walks_into_a_bar/
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There was a robbery at the police station. They stole a bunch of toilet seats.

Unfortunately, they don't have anything to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7rnfl/there_was_a_robbery_at_the_police_station_they/
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I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.

Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7rmnm/i_am_suspicious_that_someone_in_my_family_has/
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What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Cha Ching!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7rhlv/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_billionaire/
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It's half a year left before all the optometrists go out of business!

Because everyone will have 2020 vision!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7rhbi/its_half_a_year_left_before_all_the_optometrists/
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A man had a chainsaw accident and lost 2 fingers. We can reason he lost 20% of his touch.

Ouch.
\[Edit\] My first attempt at an original joke. I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7rfjh/a_man_had_a_chainsaw_accident_and_lost_2_fingers/
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A man recently bought a dozen bees...

He was so excited to get them home and start his own bee colony. He had done his research, made his preparations and was ready to start making his own honey.
Once he got home and got his new friends out into the yard he noticed that the store had accidentally given him 13 bees.
He went back to the store to let them know about the mix up but when he pointed it out to the clerk he was told: “Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s a free bee.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7rehn/a_man_recently_bought_a_dozen_bees/
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A band's drummer suddenly dies

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out.
It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get gum diease", or "Make sure you drink 8 glasses of water a day, or else you'll get dehydrated".  As the night goes on, the warnings get more severe. Things like "Don't buy alcohol before you're 21, or else you could face severe criminal and civil charges" and "The purchase or use of illegal drugs could land you in jail, and cost you thousands of dollars"
Finally the lead singer has had enough. He pulls the drummer aside and says "listen, you're a great drummer. But you gotta knock it off with the warnings.  Is there any way you can stop?"
The drummer says "Sorry, I guess it's just in my nature.   I'm a repercussionist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7rdcq/a_bands_drummer_suddenly_dies/
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What's something that everyone in Alabama has in common?

DNA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7r4j6/whats_something_that_everyone_in_alabama_has_in/
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Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding a cup* Do it to my tea!
Magician: *waves hand* Done!
om: *holding a cup* It didn't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7qy41/magician_i_can_make_anything_disappear/
%
How does NASA organise a party?

They planet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7qxm5/how_does_nasa_organise_a_party/
%
The only company to truly care about LGBTQ+ people after pride is PornHub...

...they have a whole section for them all year long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7qwxd/the_only_company_to_truly_care_about_lgbtq_people/
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Mother receives a telephone call from school telling her they are sending home her son for peeing in the swimming pool.

"But everyone does that," she says.
"Not from the top diving board, they don't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7qv11/mother_receives_a_telephone_call_from_school/
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A high ranking military official gives a report to Trump

He says, "sir, I regret to announce that three Brazilian troops have just died in combat."
Trump was stunned. He gathered himself and replied, "my God, that's terrible news. How much is a brazillion?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7qq5j/a_high_ranking_military_official_gives_a_report/
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A salesman was fired because he was disrespectful to the customers.

Two months later, his former manager saw him wearing a police uniform.
"You're a policeman now, eh?" said the manager.
"Yes, this is the perfect job for me since every customer is always wrong!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7qps5/a_salesman_was_fired_because_he_was_disrespectful/
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What's the definition of "relative humidity"?

That's when the sweat off your balls runs down the crack of your sister-in-law's ass.
(Too rude?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7qox2/whats_the_definition_of_relative_humidity/
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What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?

A father in law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7qmmy/what_do_you_call_a_priest_thats_also_a_lawyer/
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Is my wife a pervert?

So I was standing looking out my bedroom window whipping one off to my neighbors gorgeous wife who was sunbathing, when I turned around to see my wife standing there looking at me! So my question is do yous think she’s some sort of pervert?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7qfw3/is_my_wife_a_pervert/
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A male and female astronaut landed on an undiscovered planet and soon met some of the inhabitants.

These inhabitants showed them many things, including a baby machine which produced the new offspring. The astronauts were asked how they reproduced. Rather than use words, they stripped off and gave a full and satisfying demonstration. The inhabitants looked puzzled.
"But where are the new ones?"
"Oh, that won't happen for another nine months," they replied.
"Well, if it takes that long, why were you rushing so much at the end?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7qepl/a_male_and_female_astronaut_landed_on_an/
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I finally hung up all of my pencil drawings.

But i'm afraid it makes my house look kinda sketchy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7psve/i_finally_hung_up_all_of_my_pencil_drawings/
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A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week".

The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7pk7k/a_computer_programmer_happens_across_a_frog_in/
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A man is getting married, and wants to impress his bride to be.

So he gets her name, Wendy, tattooed down the side of his shaft. He keeps it a surprise for the honeymoon as it heals and is quite impressed with the work. Although when he's flaccid all you can see is Wy, when he's hard there it is, in all its glory, in a beautiful font. The big day comes, and they step off the plane in Jamaica headed to the resort. He heads to the bathroom at the airport before leaving to make sure everything is in order for the big reveal. Astonishingly, at the urinal, he notices the man next to him has Wy on the side of his dick. Same font and everything. He says to the guy `That's good work man, is your girl's name Wendy too?` The man next to him throws his head back and laughs, replying `No mon. It says Welcome to Jamaica mon, have a nice day.`

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7pgzb/a_man_is_getting_married_and_wants_to_impress_his/
%
Did you guys see that hooker on sunset boulevard?

You gotta hand it to her
;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7pgu5/did_you_guys_see_that_hooker_on_sunset_boulevard/
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Did you hear about the guy who liked to dip his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7pez2/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_liked_to_dip_his/
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Have you been to Conjunctivitis.com?

It’s a site for sore eyes.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7pb3y/have_you_been_to_conjunctivitiscom/
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My pony caught a cold

He’s a little hoarse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7p7qo/my_pony_caught_a_cold/
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What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T', is hairy and oval on the outside and creamy on the inside?

A coconut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7p6to/what_starts_with_a_c_and_ends_with_a_t_is_hairy/
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Man: wemen are the best

Woman: thnx a lot but it should be 'o' not 'e'
Man: it is spelled correctly but i forgot to put the space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7p5y6/man_wemen_are_the_best/
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Ed : What should be the name of our song, Justin?

Justin : I don't care
Ed : Perfect
Justin : What do you mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7p00j/ed_what_should_be_the_name_of_our_song_justin/
%
Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Because his parents were in a jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7oz2q/why_was_the_baby_strawberry_crying/
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I took a poop in the elevator.

I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7oywc/i_took_a_poop_in_the_elevator/
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I dont always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he tells me I'll never make it as a comedian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ouuz/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7otms/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_that_lost_his_car/
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I was about to tell you guys a chemistry joke

But all the good ones Argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7otak/i_was_about_to_tell_you_guys_a_chemistry_joke/
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Octopus: [gun in each hand]

Cat: you're one short buddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7oo5n/octopus_gun_in_each_hand/
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I took a road trip to Alaska.

I took a trip to Alaska and stopped at a resort that lets you rent out gold pans that let you sort out gold in their river. They let you keep what you find.
Excited, I go out to find some plunder. I sat there searching for hours, and I couldn’t find a single speck.
When I walked into the resort to turn in my pan the owner asked me if I needed a container for what I found. Told him no because I didn’t find anything.
A few seconds later an older gentleman who was out there with me said, “here son” and handed me a small vial with a few little nuggets in it.
I smiled at the older man and left a little bit happier than when I arrived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7onbs/i_took_a_road_trip_to_alaska/
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What do you call a guy who's attracted to his best guy friend?

A homiesexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7olhu/what_do_you_call_a_guy_whos_attracted_to_his_best/
%
I think my yoga instructor was drunk today

He put me in a very awkward position

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7oki7/i_think_my_yoga_instructor_was_drunk_today/
%
An ottoman walks into a bar and the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve ottomans in here”, and the ottoman says...

“Well, you oughta, man!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ogfl/an_ottoman_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender/
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A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.
“I’m a Christian” says the first man.
“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be really quiet near room 8” said St. Peter
The next man walks up and St. Peter asks what religion he was.
“I am a Muslim” says the man
“Very well, you will be in room 29, just be very quiet around room 8” replies St. Peter
The third and final man walks forth and St. Peter again asks what religion he was.
“I am an Atheist” answers the man
“Very well, you will be in Room 56, just be very quiet around room 8” says St. Peter
The man asks, “If I may, why must I be quiet around room 8?”
St. Peter replies, “Room 8 is where the Catholics are, and they think they’re the only ones here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7oej8/a_christian_a_muslim_and_an_atheist_all_die/
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An atheist dies and goes to hell.

The devil receives him and says, "Welcome to hell, my friend. I guess they have told you lots of awful things about this place, but it’s all BS. Relax, take a look around and you’ll see that this is not such a bad place."
Atheist takes a look around and finds that, indeed, hell is not so different from life on earth, and one gets to meet many interesting people there.
But then one day he comes upon a part of hell that is like what they frighten (or used to frighten) kids in Catechism with, souls being tormented by fire and all that stuff.
Deeply shocked and frightened, he goes to the devil and asks him what is going on. Devil says: "Ah, that. It’s the section for the Christians. Crazy folks, they want to have it that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ocke/an_atheist_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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Trust is important in a relationship

If you're with a woman and you don't completely trust her, how do you know she won't tell your wife?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7o2rp/trust_is_important_in_a_relationship/
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My 4 year old cane up with this one. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lack toes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ntp1/my_4_year_old_cane_up_with_this_one_why_do_cows/
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OC science joke

There was a young man who was fed up with all the bias in news networks everywhere and vowed to make his own set of news channels that would be void of any and all bias. As he was not a wealthy man he had to find ways cut costs in making his network. He managed to make an odd deal with all his suppliers which said that he had to pick up and transport all the materials needed and if his business didn’t work, he would have to bring all the materials back to the exact same places.
Confident that his business would be a success, the man took the deal and began building his network. About a year later, once his work was complete he named his network “Zero”, to represent the amount of bias that would exist in his news.
He soon found out that people didn’t have time for news which didn’t conform to their views, and so his business went under. As per his deals, he took the materials back to where the came from, making sure that not even a brick was out of place.
The net-work done was “Zero”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7nn55/oc_science_joke/
%
Knock Knock

Who’s there?
Onomatopoeia Salesman.
Well you had me at Knock Knock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7niin/knock_knock/
%
I decided to freeze myself at -273°C.

My family and friends are worried.
But, I will be 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7nfhr/i_decided_to_freeze_myself_at_273c/
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What do you get when you pamper a cow

Spoiled milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ncdg/what_do_you_get_when_you_pamper_a_cow/
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Why do sea gulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)
Courtesy of my seven year old niece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7n2nu/why_do_sea_gulls_live_by_the_sea/
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I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant...

But apparently it just changes the color of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7msys/i_thought_getting_a_vasectomy_would_prevent_my/
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The Rose

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line.
You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose.
You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the  rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress'  ok?"
The actor is thrilled.
All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line.......
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You fool!" he cried, "you've ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "what happened, did I forget my line?"
"No you idiot," screamed the director, "you forgot the rose..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7mruk/the_rose/
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My wife saw me standing on the bathroom scale and sucking my stomach in and said "Ha! That doesn't help!"

Ofcourse it does. It's the only way I can see the numbers...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7mond/my_wife_saw_me_standing_on_the_bathroom_scale_and/
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You think you are cool..

But you are just in room temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7mm4g/you_think_you_are_cool/
%
"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same.
When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger."
The class was horrified. Some of them threw up.
"The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here."
>!"And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7mkdq/the_first_thing_you_should_know_about_working_in/
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Why didn’t Bob own any gloves?

Because he didn’t have any hands.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Not Bob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7mjdg/why_didnt_bob_own_any_gloves/
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What do you call someone who has sex with pecans?

Fucking nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7mgfo/what_do_you_call_someone_who_has_sex_with_pecans/
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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a plane crash. Who survives?

America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7mezl/donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton_are_in_a_plane/
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Why was the pepper wearing a sweater?

Because he was a little chili.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7mefv/why_was_the_pepper_wearing_a_sweater/
%
What does the bible say?

Those people who are against gay marriage and say, "In Genesis, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.", are so narrow minded...
Everyone knows that in Genesis it was Phil Collins, Tony Banks, and Mike Rutherford.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7mdcg/what_does_the_bible_say/
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What STD do you get from phone sex?

Hearing AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7m9jr/what_std_do_you_get_from_phone_sex/
%
I’ve been thinking recently if the bands Toto, Tommy lee and Marvin Gaye firmed a band it would be

Toto lee Gaye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7m703/ive_been_thinking_recently_if_the_bands_toto/
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Two men argue:

- *How could you sleep with her?!*
- She was naked, what else should I do?
- *The autopsy!*
- Dont tell me what to do!!
- *You are the worst veterinarian ever*!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7lzn5/two_men_argue/
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Frank went to the gym

As he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.
The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “lose 1kg guaranteed”, “lose 3 kg guaranteed”, “lose 5kg guaranteed” and “lose 10kg guaranteed”. However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.
He accepted the offer and the receptionist told him to wait at home.
The next day, the doorbell rang. Frank opened the door to a hot girl standing with a sign around her neck saying “catch me and I’m yours”. The girl took off and Frank went running after her for 10km.
Unable to catch, he went back home. After the exhaustion wore off, he found that he lost 1 kg. Delighted, he immediately went back to the gym and signed up for the 3kg package.
The next day, the doorbell rang again. Frank opened the door to an even hotter girl, shirtless with the same sign. Again, she took off and he ran after her. This time for 20km.
Frank was again unable to catch. So he went home disappointed, until he found that he lost 3kg. So again, he went back to the gym for round 3, 5kg.
The next day, the doorbell rang. It was an even hotter girl, only wearing bra, thongs and running shoes with a sign, “catch me and I’m yours”. He chased her until sunset, nearly catching her.
He went home excited. Finding himself loosing 5kg, and that he’d catch the next one, maybe a completely naked hot women. He went to the gym for the 10kg package.
He turned around to find a buffed bodybuilder with a sign around his neck.
“Catch you, and you’re mine”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7lxif/frank_went_to_the_gym/
%
So you know what always gives me butterflies?

Caterpillars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7lx18/so_you_know_what_always_gives_me_butterflies/
%
My friends don't understand why I'm leaving my wife for another one.

They say it should at least be a two or three.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ltl7/my_friends_dont_understand_why_im_leaving_my_wife/
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How much energy does it take to run a concentration camp?

6 million joules.
(I don't support what happened in the holocaust, I'm just an idiot playing with words)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7lrfq/how_much_energy_does_it_take_to_run_a/
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What happened to the man who walked into a window?

He was in pane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7lq2p/what_happened_to_the_man_who_walked_into_a_window/
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A Canadian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was   wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, meaning testicles from the bull fight this morning - A delicacy!"
The man said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
Early the next morning, the Canadian returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are absolutely delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Senor, sometimes the bull wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7lp3z/a_canadian_stopped_at_a_local_restaurant/
%
I am really sad that my old HP printer died today.

It was like a Brother to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7lnih/i_am_really_sad_that_my_old_hp_printer_died_today/
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A couple both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would take an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my medicare."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7llz9/a_couple_both_age_67_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
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Did you hear about the guy who dipped his ball sack in glitter?

Pretty nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7lllk/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_dipped_his_ball/
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What do you do when you see a space man?

Park your car, man.
-my 4 year old niece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7lkbj/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_space_man/
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Is it possible to grow taller after 30?

Doctors say that’s a stretch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ljui/is_it_possible_to_grow_taller_after_30/
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Who is the greatest Herbologist in all of the star wars universe?

Yoda, two green thumbs he has.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7lju0/who_is_the_greatest_herbologist_in_all_of_the/
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Why do ducks have feathers?

To hide their butt-quacks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ld6d/why_do_ducks_have_feathers/
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Okay... I'm not saying, that gingers don't have a soul....

I'm just saying... The dementors never went for ron weasley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7lc9r/okay_im_not_saying_that_gingers_dont_have_a_soul/
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My ex-girlfriend had this really weird fetish...

She really like to dress up as herself and be a complete cheating whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7l7gr/my_exgirlfriend_had_this_really_weird_fetish/
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Millennials...

They walk like they rent the place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7l33p/millennials/
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God: "I didn't say trumpets would signal the end of the world."

"I said Trump/Pence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7l2kq/god_i_didnt_say_trumpets_would_signal_the_end_of/
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I work with a Chinese guy called Kim , and one time we were having a drink and I said to him “do you ever get fed up of westerners saying that all Chinese people look same?”

He replied “Kim’s at bar getting drinks, I’m his wife.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7kyvi/i_work_with_a_chinese_guy_called_kim_and_one_time/
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My girlfriend: This relationship is over.

Me responding on my walky talky: This relation is what? *over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7kvap/my_girlfriend_this_relationship_is_over/
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Why is dark spelled with a K, not a C?

Because you can't c in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7krtm/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_not_a_c/
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What is the similarity between a pilot and an air traffic controller?

If the pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If the air traffic controller screws up, the pilot dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ko2u/what_is_the_similarity_between_a_pilot_and_an_air/
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What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7kkrr/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7kgxm/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/
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Entropy

isn't what it used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7kgsk/entropy/
%
A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.

He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken.
"It isn't actually," the man replies.
"You mind if I sit there?"
"It's actually supposed to be my wife's seat, we haven't missed a Superbowl in 30 years."
The man then asks why she isn't with him.
"Well, sadly she died quite recently."
"I'm sorry to hear that." The man says. "But you couldn't find a single friend or family member to sit with you?"
"Unfortunately not," the man says, "They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7kghc/a_man_decides_to_treat_himself_one_day_and_buys_a/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7kf89/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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What starts out hard but gets soft after it comes?

Ice cream you pervert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7kcna/what_starts_out_hard_but_gets_soft_after_it_comes/
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What do you call a viking who's been bit by a vampire?

Norseferatu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7k987/what_do_you_call_a_viking_whos_been_bit_by_a/
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Why do teenage girls walk in odd numbers?

Because they “can’t even” (valley girl voice)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7k5js/why_do_teenage_girls_walk_in_odd_numbers/
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I’ve given up on taking my business essay assignment seriously, so now I’m just trying to work in sex jokes.

"Strong leadership and teamwork has to be contributed by both the top and the bottom, resulting in a versatile fusion of satisfactory results."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7k3oj/ive_given_up_on_taking_my_business_essay/
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What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the batmobile?

Get in the batmobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7k2n9/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_getting_in/
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A cop pulls a guy over for making an illegal turn

And the guy says, "But you don't understand, I thought to myself I better not turn, but I saw the sign and it said, 'No, U turn.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7k2lu/a_cop_pulls_a_guy_over_for_making_an_illegal_turn/
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I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30 minutes looking for my phone under the bed.

while using my phone’s flashlight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7k2fq/i_stopped_smoking_weed_the_day_after_i_spent_30/
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A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.
So of course they stop fighting immediately.
“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”
The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every bear in this forest was female!”
“'Tis done,” says the wizard. “And what about you, Rabbit?”
The rabbit thinks long and hard about his wish, bit eventually he says he would like a motorcycle. Suddenly, a brand new motorcycle appears out of  nowhere right in front of him. The bear is quite confused about the rabbit's choice, but he continues on to his second wish.
The bear considers his second wish and says, “I wish all the bears in all the neighbouring forests were female!” and, the wizard assures him that it has been done.
Again, the rabbit thinks long and hard about his wish, but in the end he decides on fuel for his motorbike. The bear is even more nuzzled about the rabbit's choice and concludes that he must just be a complete idiot like he'd always thought, but he continues on to his third and final wish.
“So, bear, what is your last wish?” asks the wizard
The bear considers his last wish for a while longer, but eventually he decides. “I wish that every other bear in the world was female!”
“It is done,” replies the genie. “And what about you, rabbit?”
The rabbit climbs onto his motorbike and starts the engine.
“I wish the bear was gay!” he yells as he zooms off into the distance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7jxy6/a_rabbit_and_a_bear_are_fighting_in_a_forest_when/
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A 7 year old girl is walking through a fair with her two dogs

One dog is as black as charcoal and the other dog is white as snow. A man stops and says to her, "what lovely dogs you have there. What is that one's name?"
"Blackey," she replies, "because he is black"
"Oh that is very clever, and what is that one called?" he asks
"Porky," she says
"Why's that?" The man inquires
"Because he fucks pigs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7jov9/a_7_year_old_girl_is_walking_through_a_fair_with/
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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island...

... that’s not far from the mainland, so the redhead decides to try and swim to mainland, she makes it about 1/3 the way there, but gets tired and drowns. So the brunette decides to try and swim to shore, she makes it about 2/3 there, but gets tired and drowns. So then the blonde decides to have a go at it, she starts swimming, makes it halfway there, but then gets tired and swims back to the island

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7jhxg/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stranded_on/
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An elderly woman goes to a pet store...

...after losing her husband. She wants to get a pet to help with her loneliness and decides to buy a parrot. When she gets the parrot home she tries talking to it.
“Hello, how are you?” She asks.
“Fuck you, bitch” responds the parrot.
The woman is disgusted by the parrots demeanor, being a good Christian woman. After the parrot makes it clear that he will not change his ways, she takes it back to the pet store.
The clerk tells her to come back in a week. He will retrain the parrot and she can take him back home.
So she goes back a week later to find the parrot sitting on its perch with a piece of string tied to each leg.
“Have a look at this” says the shopkeep. “Go ahead and pull one of the strings”
She pulls one of the strings and the bird says “good afternoon madam.”
“That’s amazing!” She says.
She pulls the other string. “Lovely weather today.” Says the bird.
“Incredible!” She says. “What happens if I pull both strings at the same time?”
Then the parrot says “I’d fall on my fucking ass, dipshit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7jgdw/an_elderly_woman_goes_to_a_pet_store/
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The animal kingdom decided to have its first official land speed race. All the animals signed up to see who's the fastest.

After the race was over, and the results were in.
The judges deliberated, and decided to disqualify the winner..
Reason given: "He was a cheetah".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7jfxj/the_animal_kingdom_decided_to_have_its_first/
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Arranging a funeral for my boss is turning out to be more difficult than I thought.

He keeps asking what we are doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7jcm6/arranging_a_funeral_for_my_boss_is_turning_out_to/
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take me more than 3 minutes to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7jbpl/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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My Anesthesiologist said that if I didn't want knockout gas he could hit me in the head with a paddle.

He wouldn't do both. It was ether/oar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7j6tl/my_anesthesiologist_said_that_if_i_didnt_want/
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Young boy gets suspended from school.

His mother was furious, and yelled " "What did you do this time?!" The boy said all I did was tell a joke. He said he told the joke to his friends in class, and they laughed so hard they pooped their pants. Then the teacher asked me what I said to them, and so I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants too. Then he sent me to the principal's office and when the principal asked me why I was there,  I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants. So he suspended me. His mother said skeptically, "For telling a joke?" The boy said no ma'am, for starting shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7j22r/young_boy_gets_suspended_from_school/
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An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.
One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe.
For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome.
After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world. Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest.
He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China. Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle. Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike. “My name is Yu! It’s an honor to meet you!” the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick.
It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town. However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu. Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too.
The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu’s father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider. By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave. Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded.
Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn’t have his beloved Chinese maiden.
So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do….
Rick rolled back into town screaming,
“I’m never gonna give Yu up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7iz6s/an_american_biker_decides_to_travel_the_world/
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Math Joke ft depression.

My friend constantly uses y=mx+c to calculate how his fast his life is going down hill.
Why is he so negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7iw5b/math_joke_ft_depression/
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Why is Ireland the best country to invest in?

Because the capital is always dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7iv5z/why_is_ireland_the_best_country_to_invest_in/
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What is Thanos favorite animal?

A snapping turtle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7itpo/what_is_thanos_favorite_animal/
%
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey

But then I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ipi3/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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Police: So, how your husband died?

Wife : By drinking poison.
Police : So, why there are bruises on his body?
Wife : He was refusing to drink the poison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ilcl/police_so_how_your_husband_died/
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I always ask what LGBTQIA+ means

I never get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7iin6/i_always_ask_what_lgbtqia_means/
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A woman goes to buy a parrot.

The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks "Why is the last one so cheap?"
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Dave, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7if96/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot/
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Three woman are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares,"I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a pack of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know she smoked!" "It gets worse than that," says the second mother, " I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know she drank!" " Oh it gets even worse than that" says the third mother, " I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet! A pack of condoms! I didn't even know she had a penis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ibih/three_woman_are_discussing_their_teenage_daughters/
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A man sees his daughter playing in her garden

He walks up to her and asks “how are you honey”
She replies “daddy what is that called”, pointing at two spiders cradling each other
Dad: well that’s a daddy long leg
Daughter: and is the other one a mommy long leg?
The dad chuckling at her innocences: no honey, both of them are called daddy long legs
The daughter stands up and immediately squashed the two spiders and says: keep that gay shit out of my garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7i90u/a_man_sees_his_daughter_playing_in_her_garden/
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A man walks into a bar

and asks for a bottle of beer. "Give me a bottle of beer before the problem starts" he said. After taking a bottle of beer he asks for another. He keeps asking for another until he has finished 10 bottles.
The bartender asks him "when are you paying for the beers?" . "Now the problem starts" replied the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7i80p/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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If someone from Scotland gets a little upset every time he's mistaken for his Gaelic neighbors...

...he would still be ire-ish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7i7ky/if_someone_from_scotland_gets_a_little_upset/
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What is Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?

Barackoli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7i6bv/what_is_michelle_obamas_favorite_vegetable/
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A man is looking for the infamous boxing lion

It escaped from the zoo early sunday morning, all around jokes ville
He strolled Down clown lane
His friends looked out from the jesters nest
Around the dad pun roundabout
No sight of it.
So, they went on reddit's very own r/jokes
They looked in the title
They looked in the joke setup
No sight of it.
Then, a woman decided to look in the comments, and shouted out:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7i27t/a_man_is_looking_for_the_infamous_boxing_lion/
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GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a Detective. I think we should split up.

Me:
Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7hv13/gf_im_sick_of_you_pretending_youre_a_detective_i/
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I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7hsx1/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/
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I feel sorry for homophobic people

Imagine being scared of your own home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7hr9g/i_feel_sorry_for_homophobic_people/
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My teacher said people who study programming are better at "If-Then" logic

I've determined it's a bunch of booleshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7hlux/my_teacher_said_people_who_study_programming_are/
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What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?

Edward
What do you call a man with 2 planks of wood on his head?
Edward Wood
What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?
Edward Woodward
What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?
I don't know but Edward Woodward would

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7hgqv/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_plank_of_wood_on/
%
I don't understand school shooting jokes.

I think they are aimed at a younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7hfc3/i_dont_understand_school_shooting_jokes/
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Blond and bodybuilder

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! "  He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants.  And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! "  The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" ... Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming.  The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7he46/blond_and_bodybuilder/
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did you hear about the guy that dipped his testicles in glitter?

pretty nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7hc7n/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_dipped_his/
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Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.

Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7h0ll/police_chief_do_you_have_any_leads_or_suspects/
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What did the pickle do when it won the championship?

He just stood there to relish the moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7gz71/what_did_the_pickle_do_when_it_won_the/
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What do you call a child that has been crushed by a piano?

A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7gwpj/what_do_you_call_a_child_that_has_been_crushed_by/
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Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?

Because every play has a cast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7gvgx/why_do_we_tell_actors_to_break_a_leg/
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I'm trying to talk to a Nintendo fanboy

But he's not listening to Mii

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7gr7q/im_trying_to_talk_to_a_nintendo_fanboy/
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Coffee isn't electrically conductive in bean form.

But it is when it's ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7go1o/coffee_isnt_electrically_conductive_in_bean_form/
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At the therapist office, Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: Oh I see!
Me: [screaming intensifies]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7gl6v/at_the_therapist_office_me_im_terrified_of_random/
%
I was at the gym last night

I noticed a hole in my trainer, it was just about big enough to fit my finger in.
Anyway she’s now made a formal complaint and I’m barred for life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7gl43/i_was_at_the_gym_last_night/
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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"5,000$" she replies.
"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs."
He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"
"15,000$" she replies.
"15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts
"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs."
"Fine, how can i say no?"
Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"
"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.
"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.
"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7geg6/a_man_is_walking_the_las_vegas_strip_and_runs/
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How does Moses make his beer?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7gbsk/how_does_moses_make_his_beer/
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The answer: A Cockrobin

The question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7gb92/the_answer_a_cockrobin/
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Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7g4rr/why_was_the_antivaxxers_4_year_old_child_crying/
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What do one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

Damn, we do taste like chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7g4dt/what_do_one_lesbian_frog_say_to_the_other_lesbian/
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7g1v7/why_did_the_football_coach_go_to_the_bank/
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I got fired yesterday when my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently, nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you’re allowed to do with the patients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7g16z/i_got_fired_yesterday_when_my_boss_caught_me/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7g136/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
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Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7g0hu/pun_enters_a_room_kills_10_people/
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“Relax David. It’s just a small surgery. Don’t panic.”

“But doctor....My name isn’t David........”
“I know. I am David.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7fyts/relax_david_its_just_a_small_surgery_dont_panic/
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A wise man once said,

Nothing. He let her vent and then they had sex afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7fw0w/a_wise_man_once_said/
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A math professor, Dave, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
Dave takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks Dave, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
Dave walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ftl7/a_math_professor_dave_is_having_problems_with_his/
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Three Germans walk into a BAR.

They die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7fsss/three_germans_walk_into_a_bar/
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My house was haunted by the ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci last night

I almost had an art attack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7fozh/my_house_was_haunted_by_the_ghost_of_leonardo_da/
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What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7fopm/what_did_the_drummer_call_his_twin_daughters/
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A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar

And the bartender says, “fine you guys can stay, as long as you don’t start anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7fjwl/a_pair_of_jumper_cables_walk_into_a_bar/
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Where was the toothbrush invented?

Alabama.
If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7fgky/where_was_the_toothbrush_invented/
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What do you call a cow that can’t produce milk?

A milk dud or an udder failure?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7feuc/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_cant_produce_milk/
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What's the hardest part about being vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7f9yu/whats_the_hardest_part_about_being_vegan/
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Girls are like blackjack...

I'm always going for 21 but I always end up hitting on 14
(I’m so sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7f7hz/girls_are_like_blackjack/
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What language do they speak in Poland?

Depends on the year, sometimes it's German and sometimes it's Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7f6x4/what_language_do_they_speak_in_poland/
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How can you tell when you've found a really good rock n roll band in Minnesota?

They have two accordions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7f6j3/how_can_you_tell_when_youve_found_a_really_good/
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Little johnny is in school one day...

Mrs teacher: Class hand in your homework.
Little johnny: *Can't find homework in his bag*
Mrs teacher: Detention for you little johnny!
Little johnny: Impossible!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7f1g5/little_johnny_is_in_school_one_day/
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A mute guy goes to a pharmacy to buy condoms

He walks up to the counter and meets the pharmacist.
"How may I help you?" the pharmacist asks.
The mute guy, unable to speak, simply points at his crotch.
The pharmacist shrugs, not knowing what the man is asking for.
The mute guy points at his crotch again and pulls out money.
Pharmacist still has no clue.
The mute guy pulls out his dick and places it right on the counter and points at the money.
The pharmacist then pulls out his dick, places it on the counter, takes the money, and says "You shouldn't bet. I always win."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ezek/a_mute_guy_goes_to_a_pharmacy_to_buy_condoms/
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I know a hooker who gives telepathic orgasms.

She'll blow your mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7evsp/i_know_a_hooker_who_gives_telepathic_orgasms/
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Guy walks up to the widow at her husbands funeral.

He says, “May I just say one word?”
“Sure,” she replies.
“Plethora.”
The widow says, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7eqpf/guy_walks_up_to_the_widow_at_her_husbands_funeral/
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A climate scientist and a climate-change denier walk into a bar

The climate-change denier goes to the bartender and asks for the strongest drink in the house.
The bartender takes out a bottle and says, "This is Absinthe, about 75% alcohol. Can I sell you a glass?"
The climate-change denier gets all upset and leaves the bar in a huff. The climate scientist says to the bartender, "Those climate-change deniers! You can show them the proof but they still won't buy it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7em2b/a_climate_scientist_and_a_climatechange_denier/
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A Donald Trump Joke

Disclaimer! I did not write this joke, I merely found it on the internet and wanted to share it to everyone. Please comment down the original owner if you know who it is, because he deserves all the credits.
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"
Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.
"Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.
Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?
General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."
Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7eh6k/a_donald_trump_joke/
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Why couldn't the pony sing?

He was a little hoarse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ecki/why_couldnt_the_pony_sing/
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Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.
Batman doesn't want to get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7e850/why_does_batman_only_wear_dark_colors_easy_batman/
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How do people from the Jersey Shore show their condolences?

They send their thots and players

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7e5sc/how_do_people_from_the_jersey_shore_show_their/
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A priest, a lawyer and a teacher with his students were on a plane

The plane was going through some heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the pilot got on the speaker and said the plane is going down. The stewardess broke the bad news: only 3 parachutes for the passengers. The lawyer said to the priest and teacher, "Perfect! One for each of us. Lets GO!"
Then the teacher screamed "What about the CHILDREN!?!"
The lawyer responded "Fuck the children!"
The priest coyly glances around "But... is there time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7e4xe/a_priest_a_lawyer_and_a_teacher_with_his_students/
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If I have 30 pieces of chocolate cake for my cake day, and eat 25 of them, what do I have?

Diabetes......I got diabetes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7e2kf/if_i_have_30_pieces_of_chocolate_cake_for_my_cake/
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Woody and Buzz Lightyear made a porno

Its called Ive got a friend in me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7dzee/woody_and_buzz_lightyear_made_a_porno/
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A man enters a pun contest in his local newspaper.

He sends in ten puns, hoping at least one of them would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7dxph/a_man_enters_a_pun_contest_in_his_local_newspaper/
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"You don't need to know what makes this burger taste so good"

-  said an anonymous sauce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7dqo2/you_dont_need_to_know_what_makes_this_burger/
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Ringo is the best Beatle

Because without him, they would be beatless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7doej/ringo_is_the_best_beatle/
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What do you call Father Christmas without underwear?

Saint Knickerless,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7diln/what_do_you_call_father_christmas_without/
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What do you call a hooker with a whistle up their butt?

Prosti-TOOT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7dh4b/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_whistle_up_their/
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How do pirates know they’re pirates?

They think, therefore they arrrr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7db78/how_do_pirates_know_theyre_pirates/
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A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It’s a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7d3mx/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo_the_only_animal_in_the/
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I went to donate blood today

I guess Salvation Army prefers clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7d2rq/i_went_to_donate_blood_today/
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Congratulations everyone!

Researchers have proven that we can jump in a pool of volcano.
but only once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7cwya/congratulations_everyone/
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What's the difference between a lactating lobster and a trashed bus stop?

One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7cvz9/whats_the_difference_between_a_lactating_lobster/
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Whats the difference between "I'm sorry" and "I apologize"?

Well it depends if your at a funeral or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7cvlz/whats_the_difference_between_im_sorry_and_i/
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The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.

Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.
Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.
The teacher said, "That's very good Sue. What is it?"
Sue said, "That's a plate with only three carrot sticks to eat, I think that... represents starvation."
Next went Dan, he drew a round circle with 3 dots in the middle.
The teacher said, "That's good Dan. What is it?"
Dan said, "That's a plate with only 3 peas to eat. I think that represents starvation."
Johnny went next. He drew a picture of a round circle with little squiggly lines all over in the circle.
The teacher said, "That's good Johnny. What is it?"
Johnny said, "That's an arsehole with cobwebs........ If that isn't starvation, I don't know what is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7cs8s/the_teacher_was_teaching_the_kids_about_starvation/
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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…

But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7cpu4/north_koreans_believe_they_live_in_the_best/
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Steve got a job as a lumberjack...

and on his first day his boss gave him a chainsaw. "here you go. now get to it."
Steve took the chainsaw, and at the end of the day his boss comes over.
"How many did you get?", he asks.
"One", Steve answers.
"wait, how is that possible? I need you to cut down at least 10 tomorrow."
And after the second day his boss comes over and asks:"how many?"
Steve says:"two"
"Hmm, maybe there's something wrong with your chainsaw. let me take a look at it."
he then proceeds to turn it on.
Steve says:"What's that sound?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7clt3/steve_got_a_job_as_a_lumberjack/
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Dutch

A Dutch guy has just invented shoes that will record the distance you walk each day.
Clever Cloggs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7cldj/dutch/
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Three married men are complaining about their wives.

The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man.
The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid.
They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you?
John scratches his head and says: Me? I get laid almost everyday.
The first two are dumbfounded. ALMOST EVERY DAY? They ask.
John says: Yeah. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Almost on Wednesday....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7cl3x/three_married_men_are_complaining_about_their/
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There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.
She asks the boy, "What are they doing?"
He says, "They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?" She asked.
"Oh, uh, that's his rope," he answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asked.
He says, "Those are his knots."
She says, "Oh, okay, I got it."
As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were."
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.
"Whoa, what are you doing?!" he shouts.
The girl innocently replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7cksq/there_was_a_virgin_who_wanted_to_marry_a_farmer/
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An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
Love,
Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram:
‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot. That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7cb5u/an_old_man_lived_alone_his_only_son_was_in_prison/
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A man is walking down the street

clapping. A little girl stops him and asks: ,
,,Excuse me mister, why are you clapping?"
,,To scare the crocodiles away." says the man.
,,But there are no crocodiles here."
,,Well duh, because I'm clapping."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7cae3/a_man_is_walking_down_the_street/
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What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7c9lb/what_do_you_call_a_death_match_between_et_and_a/
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A man who says a woman's place is only in the kitchen is completely wrong

How the hell is she supposed to clean the rest of the house then?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7c95d/a_man_who_says_a_womans_place_is_only_in_the/
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Mom and Dad put Little Johnny to bed...

After going to bed themselves they begin to have sex. Dad is sitting on the side of the bed putting on a condom when Little Johnny opens the bedroom door. Dad drops down on one knee to hide what he is doing. Little Johnny asks, dad what you doing? Dad says, I saw a rat run under the bed. Little Johnny says, what you gonna do fuck him?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7c8od/mom_and_dad_put_little_johnny_to_bed/
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Three samurais compete with each other

Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" - he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half.
The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces.
The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly... and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter - but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7c7dq/three_samurais_compete_with_each_other/
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Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny...

...I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7c6ke/sometimes_when_i_want_to_make_my_girlfriend_feel/
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Sorry I called animal control about your children...

...but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7c659/sorry_i_called_animal_control_about_your_children/
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Music exam

A friend failed his Australian music exam.
I asked
" Did you redo it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7c5xq/music_exam/
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Two groups of warriors are facing each other beafore a battle

Wanting to intimidate their foes, a swordsman takes  out his handkerchief, throws it up into the air and deftly slices it into ribbons before it hits the ground.
Not wanting to be outdone, his opponent also takes out his handkerchief and throws it up in the air. The handkerchief flutters downward and lands untouched admist the corpses of the first group of warriors, who really shoudn't have taken their eyes off the man with the sword.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7c571/two_groups_of_warriors_are_facing_each_other/
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A student of proctology is in the morgue...

...one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.
Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7c52t/a_student_of_proctology_is_in_the_morgue/
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If smoking marijuana causes short term memory loss

what does smoking marijuana do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7c03t/if_smoking_marijuana_causes_short_term_memory_loss/
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Little Johnny is hanging out with the older kids at school

When one of them starts talking about his ex girlfriend and calls her a cunt.
Little Johnny has never heard that word before.
Later at home, he tells his mother about the older kid calling his ex girlfriend a cunt. Johnny asks his mom, what is a cunt?
Little Johnny's mother doesn't want anything to do with this and tells him to ask his father about that nastiness.
Johnny goes out to the garage where his father is and tells him about the older kid calling his ex girlfriend a cunt.
Dad, what is a cunt?
Johnny's dad grabs a Playboy from off the shelf in the garage and opens it up to the centerfold. He takes a pen and makes a circle around the playmate's vagina.
I see, says Little Johnny pointing at the circle, that's a cunt.
No, says his dad, a cunt is everything outside the circle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7bzvh/little_johnny_is_hanging_out_with_the_older_kids/
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Why do eco-activists make horrible stand up comedians?

They consistently refuse to use anything but recycled material.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7byol/why_do_ecoactivists_make_horrible_stand_up/
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How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

Call her and tell her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7bwbu/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_while/
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What do you call bees that produce milk?

BOO-BEES

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7buv4/what_do_you_call_bees_that_produce_milk/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7bumh/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid says “One”.
The boss says “Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says “$165,000”.
The boss says “$165,000? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7btn1/a_young_student_looking_for_a_job_goes_to_a_big/
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What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?

Humidity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7bp46/whats_the_only_tea_an_englishman_cant_stand/
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It all

The title says it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7bmpy/it_all/
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BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass

Doctors describe his condition as stable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7blui/breaking_news_man_hospitalized_with_6_plastic/
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What is the difference between a capitalist society and a socialist one?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man. In a socialist one, it's the other way around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7bjyv/what_is_the_difference_between_a_capitalist/
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I hope death is a woman…

That way, it will never come for me…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7bdm1/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates.

It doesn’t last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7b8w2/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Back when I was a Scooby Doo villain I had an allotment....

Every time I went to tend to my vegetables I would find them covered in thin sheets of aluminium.
Those pesky kids were always foiling my plot.
(I'm sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7b7s5/back_when_i_was_a_scooby_doo_villain_i_had_an/
%
We should’ve known that communism was doomed to fail

There were red flags all over the place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7b704/we_shouldve_known_that_communism_was_doomed_to/
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A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7b6g8/a_man_goes_to_join_an_order_of_monks/
%
I lost my virginity when I was 14...

Told my mom and she didn't like it, but said nothing and told me to go to my room and wait for my dad, also grounding me for 3 weeks.
Dad comes home and instead of yelling at me, takes me to my favorite fast food joint. Gives me a lecture on sexual education but I can tell he is proud.
Next day, he comes home, takes me aside and asks me if I did it again today.
Me : No Dad, my asshole still hurts too much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7b65y/i_lost_my_virginity_when_i_was_14/
%
*shows pictures of different brands of stereos that are black

Damn, that's a lot black stereo types.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7b4me/shows_pictures_of_different_brands_of_stereos/
%
A half black jewish kid comes home from school and asks his father whether he's more jewish or more black.

His father asks "Why do want to know, son?". His son says "Because a kid at school is selling a bike for 50$ and I want to know if I should talk him down to 40$ or just steal it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7b3sd/a_half_black_jewish_kid_comes_home_from_school/
%
I've decided not to do drugs any more.

I mean I'm not doing them any less, but it's something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7asua/ive_decided_not_to_do_drugs_any_more/
%
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7arg8/yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_spill_all_his_scrabble/
%
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7apdq/what_do_you_call_a_can_opener_that_doesnt_work/
%
Why don't Jews eat pussy?

It's too close to the gas chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ap8n/why_dont_jews_eat_pussy/
%
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
"One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7amqs/there_was_an_engineer_who_had_an_exceptional_gift/
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Four men are in a train cabin traveling across Europe.

As they travel past a village, a stewardess comes in and starts closing the blinds on the windows. One of the men asks her "Why are you closing the blinds?"
The stewardess replies "Well a couple months ago a young woman decided to run up to the hill naked and take a dump while the train passed by, and everyone watched. Well one rich man saw this woman, hopped off at the next stop, went over to the village and introduced himself, and then proposed and married the girl."
The man is confused, "So what?"
The stewardess replies, "Now whenever a train passes by, the entire village runs naked up the hill to take a shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ald1/four_men_are_in_a_train_cabin_traveling_across/
%
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The porcupine has pricks on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7akjd/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
%
What did the letter O say to the letter Q.

Dude your dick is hanging out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7ab1p/what_did_the_letter_o_say_to_the_letter_q/
%
According to my new fitness smart watch

I’ve masturbated for 4 miles already today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7aau2/according_to_my_new_fitness_smart_watch/
%
What are all the police officers bullets made out of?

Copper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7a5yl/what_are_all_the_police_officers_bullets_made_out/
%
Why do you never see hippopotamus' hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7a4kp/why_do_you_never_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/
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A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions. "Yes," said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question. The driver was panic-stricken for a moment but quickly recovered. "That's an easy one," he replied. "In fact, it's so easy, I'm going to let my driver answer it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7a2bo/a_famous_scientist_was_on_his_way_to_a_lecture_in/
%
I am a happy father of 5 unvaccinated children...



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7a1zx/i_am_a_happy_father_of_5_unvaccinated_children/
%
Why did Cinderella fail at basketball?

because she ran away from the ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7a0sx/why_did_cinderella_fail_at_basketball/
%
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He ***reduces*** his ***altitude*** and ***spots*** a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon,  ***hovering approximately*** 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north ***latitude***, and between 58 and 60 degrees west ***longitude***."
"You ***must be*** an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea ***what to make of*** your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says "You must be a manager."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you ***expect me*** to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow ***my fault***.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79z3z/a_man_is_flying_in_a_hot_air_balloon_and_realizes/
%
What did Chris Brown say when he first saw Rihanna?

I'd hit that....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79yss/what_did_chris_brown_say_when_he_first_saw_rihanna/
%
I smoke weed in all kinds of weather

I just dont in hail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79xpv/i_smoke_weed_in_all_kinds_of_weather/
%
I feel bad for homophobic people

Imagine being scared of your own home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79wzd/i_feel_bad_for_homophobic_people/
%
What do you call a unicorn with no horn?

A eunuch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79uuw/what_do_you_call_a_unicorn_with_no_horn/
%
I can tell she liked my flatbread

There's naan left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79ua7/i_can_tell_she_liked_my_flatbread/
%
Bert: "Hey Ernie, would you like to go get some ice cream?"

Ernie: "Sherbert."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79t1m/bert_hey_ernie_would_you_like_to_go_get_some_ice/
%
Doctor: I've got some good news & bad news sir

Artist: Ok. What's the good?
D: Someone just bought every one of your paintings.
Artist: Alright! Whats the bad news?
Doctor: That someone was me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79shn/doctor_ive_got_some_good_news_bad_news_sir/
%
What's something that screams "I'm so alone, and I just want friends?"

Me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79qrw/whats_something_that_screams_im_so_alone_and_i/
%
A Mexican magician had escaped from prison

A Mexican magician who had recently escaped from prison told his audience that he would disappear on the count of three.
He went, "Uno, dos..."
And POOF! He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79ozz/a_mexican_magician_had_escaped_from_prison/
%
Do all black people hate slavery?

Or is it just mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79o74/do_all_black_people_hate_slavery/
%
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

“Same time next month?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79nwu/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
%
I recently quit smoking meth

I've been having vivid dreams of using again. the upside is it's a free high with no real life consequences, the down side is, now I'm addicted to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79ntn/i_recently_quit_smoking_meth/
%
What begins with “M” and ends in “arriage” and is a mans favorite thing?

A miscarriage
That Joke never gets old just like the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79n86/what_begins_with_m_and_ends_in_arriage_and_is_a/
%
Why are acute angles always so depressed?

Because they're never right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79n50/why_are_acute_angles_always_so_depressed/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom

Because they're extinct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79m1f/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_going_to_the/
%
What do you call it when you're constantly nervous that there is an antivaxxer out to steal your kids?

Karenoid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79j5g/what_do_you_call_it_when_youre_constantly_nervous/
%
Three men walk into a bar

Two got concussions, and the third ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79isp/three_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
One pirate said to another, “Is that a steering wheel between your legs?”

The other pirate replied, “Aye, and it’s driving me nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79hoa/one_pirate_said_to_another_is_that_a_steering/
%
People have been saying that I look like my cousin

I used the man filter on my face and look the spitting image of my cousin.
I showed it to her and she's pissed off with me now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c796dk/people_have_been_saying_that_i_look_like_my_cousin/
%
What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

You can drop them off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79502/what_is_the_best_thing_about_dating_a_homeless/
%
Apparently I snore so loudly

that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c794td/apparently_i_snore_so_loudly/
%
Why do light bulbs hate us?

Because we flip them off all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c79313/why_do_light_bulbs_hate_us/
%
Remember when plastic surgery used to be a taboo subject?

Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.
<sorry if it's a repost>.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78y1i/remember_when_plastic_surgery_used_to_be_a_taboo/
%
What happens when a cop uses a taser?

He udbdndjdjdhekwiwibsbsjsjsjsbzzizihzjsjskaiuw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78wll/what_happens_when_a_cop_uses_a_taser/
%
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her.

Or something like that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78w6x/my_girlfriend_was_complaining_last_night_that_i/
%
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78tag/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
Doctor, I’m afraid of random letters

Doctor: You are?
Patient: Oh god no
Doctor: Oh I see...
Patient: AHHHHHH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78t5f/doctor_im_afraid_of_random_letters/
%
My grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the Bronx Zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78swv/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died.

Resturant In Peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78s12/the_man_who_created_autocorrect_has_died/
%
I asked this woman if I could touch her hair.

She said yes. I ran my finger over her lip and that's how the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78ost/i_asked_this_woman_if_i_could_touch_her_hair/
%
Why was the filmmaker hated at social events?

He was super imposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78nu4/why_was_the_filmmaker_hated_at_social_events/
%
As a blind man, I have a hard time eating fish.

I can't seafood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78jny/as_a_blind_man_i_have_a_hard_time_eating_fish/
%
I’ve always wondered why gay people are such good swimmers

It’s probably because they’re flambuoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78j5d/ive_always_wondered_why_gay_people_are_such_good/
%
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78hdk/a_doctor_tells_a_woman_she_can_no_longer_touch/
%
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78ggj/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_who_escaped/
%
You remind me of Dracula.

You suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78gek/you_remind_me_of_dracula/
%
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78g7f/a_recent_study_has_found_that_women_who_carry_a/
%
Just burned 2,000 calories..

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78d5v/just_burned_2000_calories/
%
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until

they are flashing behind you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78cfl/i_find_it_ironic_that_the_colors_red_white_and/
%
Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?

Her teacher told her to do an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c78blt/why_did_the_blonde_have_sex_with_a_mexican/
%
What do you call a Hitler supporter that’s blind?

A Not-see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c787mf/what_do_you_call_a_hitler_supporter_thats_blind/
%
The only way you can get laid

Is if you climb up a chicken's ass and wait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c77z7s/the_only_way_you_can_get_laid/
%
Movement

So I was on the toilet for so long my movement became a fully fledged composition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c77x1z/movement/
%
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that's comparing apples to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c77u6q/steve_jobs_would_have_made_a_better_president/
%
A lawyer wanted to buy an apartment for his family, but kept being denied by landlords because he had 8 kids.

People keep telling him to lie about how many kids he has, but being a lawyer, he feels too guilty to lie. One day, however, he decides that enough is enough. He tells his wife to take the 7 younger kids with her and go to the cemetery. He then takes the oldest kid and brings him to visit a new apartment. They go over the details of the purchase, and right before the man signed the papers, the landlord asked him a last question:
- Do you have any other kids?
- I have seven others, but they're at the cemetery with their mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c77sfi/a_lawyer_wanted_to_buy_an_apartment_for_his/
%
Why did the charitable prostitute end up homeless?

He blew all of his money away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c77q2e/why_did_the_charitable_prostitute_end_up_homeless/
%
I have a good construction joke

But I’m still working on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c77m25/i_have_a_good_construction_joke/
%
What’s Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?

De-composing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c77jos/whats_beethoven_doing_in_his_coffin_right_now/
%
Why don't you buy her flowers

Therapist : your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?
Him: to be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c77bsl/why_dont_you_buy_her_flowers/
%
What the difference between jelly and jam?

I can’t jelly my dick up your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c77avv/what_the_difference_between_jelly_and_jam/
%
What do you call an old man who always comes back to you?

A BOOMER-ang!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c77ars/what_do_you_call_an_old_man_who_always_comes_back/
%
Date between two paraplegics

"Who takes the first step?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c77ac0/date_between_two_paraplegics/
%
I've spent the last two months looking for my wife's killer...

But no one will do it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c77a16/ive_spent_the_last_two_months_looking_for_my/
%
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c778zb/the_other_day_i_took_my_grandma_to_one_of_those/
%
1 person in every 10 doesn't understand the binary number system.

The other guy is fine with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c778kf/1_person_in_every_10_doesnt_understand_the_binary/
%
A masochist and a sadist are sitting in a prison cell

The masochist begs to the sadist “Please! Torture me!”
The sadist looks at the masochist and says, “No.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c776q2/a_masochist_and_a_sadist_are_sitting_in_a_prison/
%
Why'd the Mexican throw his wife off the cliff?

Tequila!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7762d/whyd_the_mexican_throw_his_wife_off_the_cliff/
%
A black woman has 5 kids, (Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone.) How do you tell them apart?

You call them by their last name. (I’m sorry...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c774q1/a_black_woman_has_5_kids_tyrone_tyrone_tyrone/
%
What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and use some lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7734v/what_do_you_do_if_your_wife_starts_smoking/
%
Baby swans

Also known as Swanson’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c770se/baby_swans/
%
Why don't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Because they are dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c76zpa/why_dont_dinosaurs_clap_their_hands/
%
What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue?

You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish! I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c76yxx/whats_the_difference_between_a_bench_a_fish_and_a/
%
A drill sergeant is talking to his new recruits standing in a line.

Drill sergeant : “SMITH”
Smith: “Yes Sir”
Drill sergeant : “I did not see you at the  camouflage practice today”
Smith:  “Thank you, sir !”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c76wpv/a_drill_sergeant_is_talking_to_his_new_recruits/
%
I went to pike's market to buy some fresh fish.

Me: can I get a plastic bag for the fish please?
Cashier: it's already inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c76qc2/i_went_to_pikes_market_to_buy_some_fresh_fish/
%
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c76p3h/my_old_aunts_would_come_and_tease_me_at_weddings/
%
My dad told me this one.

"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c76num/my_dad_told_me_this_one/
%
What do you call a group of transgender women?

The X-Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c76ncf/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_transgender_women/
%
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c76m96/doctor_im_sorry_but_you_suffer_from_a_terminal/
%
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.
(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c76m03/what_is_a_ghost_pirates_favorite_kind_of_tea/
%
Two guys are on a bus

They’re having a conversation, and someone one of the guys brings it up that he’s a Canadian ninja.
The other guy goes “huh? I’ve never even heard of Canadian ninjas!”
The first guy responds, “we’re just that good.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c76i2q/two_guys_are_on_a_bus/
%
I never really understood #notallmen.

Don't women usually like tall men?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c76gcv/i_never_really_understood_notallmen/
%
Why don’t woodpeckers wear underwear?

Because their peckers are on their faces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c76f96/why_dont_woodpeckers_wear_underwear/
%
Whats the difference between a jew and Harry Potter?

Harry knows where the train's going

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c769mo/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_harry/
%
I asked our security specialist, “How did the hackers get away?”

Miffed, he shrugged and answered, “No idea. They ransomware.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c768ut/i_asked_our_security_specialist_how_did_the/
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What do you call a milkshake from Abu Dhabi?

MilkSheikh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c765rs/what_do_you_call_a_milkshake_from_abu_dhabi/
%
My ex girlfriend always complained I never bought her flowers

But to be fair, I never knew she sold flowers in the first place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c762uj/my_ex_girlfriend_always_complained_i_never_bought/
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A lion is taking a peaceful drink out of a jungle stream, when a gorilla spots him through the trees

The gorilla sneaks up behind the lion, grabs his hindquarters, and screws him up the butt
The lion roars out and the gorilla takes off through the trees.  The gorilla manages to stretch out his lead a bit, when he comes on a camp.  The gorilla decides to disguise himself as a human on safari
He runs into a tent, puts on khakis and a pith helmet, then walks outside grabs a paper, and sits down in a chair, pretending to read
The lion rushes into the camp, roars again, and yells out, “Has anyone seen a gorilla come through here?”
The gorilla yells out from behind the paper, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”
The lion then exclaimed “Oh my God, it’s in the paper already!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7622o/a_lion_is_taking_a_peaceful_drink_out_of_a_jungle/
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Which one of King Arthur’s knights built the round table??

Sir Cumference (hahaha)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c760nc/which_one_of_king_arthurs_knights_built_the_round/
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Police officer: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do for a living?

Miner: mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c75yq2/police_officer_whose_car_is_this_where_are_you/
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What do you call two shoes in love?

Solemates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c75vu5/what_do_you_call_two_shoes_in_love/
%
A man walks into a bar. A sign above the bar says “Complete the challenge, win $500.”

Curious, he asks the bartender about the sign. The bartender says, “It’s simple, drink that bottle of habañero vodka, go out back and extract a bad tooth from an angry alligator and then go upstairs and give an orgasm to a woman who’s never had one.”
The man thinks about and decides he has better things to do. However after spending an hour talking to strangers in the bar he realizes he doesn’t have anything better to do. The man gets the bartender’s attention and lets him know he’s ready for the challenge.
The bartender gives him the bottle of vodka and the stranger downs it. With tears in his eyes the man staggers our the back door. A minute later everyone in the bar hears the alligator roar. The roaring escalates and they hear it thrashing around. A few minutes later it stops and the bartender shakes his head as he wipes down the bar.
To everyone’s surprise the stranger stumbles in the back doorway. He’s breathing heavily, very drunk and covered in wounds from the alligator’s claws. He looks around, makes eye contact with the bartender and calls out, “Where’s that lady with the sore tooth?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c75szr/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_a_sign_above_the_bar_says/
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Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them takes a stick, draws a line in the sand, and says to the other, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c75q3v/two_drunk_guys_were_about_to_get_into_a_fight_one/
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A brother and sister, and husband and wife, are sitting in the living room listening to the radio.

Suddenly, “Sweet Home Alabama” started playing. The two looked at each other and exclaimed, “Our song!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c75k39/a_brother_and_sister_and_husband_and_wife_are/
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The smell of burning flesh, the screams of children

Summertime bbqs are the best

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c756tm/the_smell_of_burning_flesh_the_screams_of_children/
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My boyfriend knows how understanding I am.

Thats why he always calls me miss understanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c75230/my_boyfriend_knows_how_understanding_i_am/
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King of the Crouton

Bobby Hill asks his father, Hank:
"What are the primary ingredients in a Caesar salad?"
Hank Hill responds:
"Dang it Bobby, that's an easy one.
Romaine and romaine accessories"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c751e3/king_of_the_crouton/
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A man is walking down the beach when he sees a quadriplegic woman crying by herself. Trying to be kind he walks up and asks here what's wrong.

> "I've never been hugged", replies the woman.
The man figures it would be a nice thing to do, so he picks heer up and gives her a hug. She smiles. Then her face drops and she starts crying again.
> "What's the matter now?", asks the man.
> "I've never been kissed", says the woman.
The man leans down and kisses the woman on the lips for a brief moment. The woman smiles for a bit, then starts sobbing again. The man, a bit annoyed, asks her again what's wrong.
> "Because I don't have use of my arms and legs, I've never been fucked before.", replies the woman.
The man picks up the woman and carries her down to the waves, then throws her into the water. The man yells at the woman,
> "You're fucked now!"
Credit to u/ivebeenhereallsummer from the comments of a different post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c74v5h/a_man_is_walking_down_the_beach_when_he_sees_a/
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A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls.  He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.
One day, the man comes up with his darkest, most ingenious torture ever.  However, it requires removing all light from Hell.  He goes over his idea with one of the demons.
"I like it, I like it!" says the Demon.  "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that.  We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am."
So they go to this giant gilded door, walk in, and see a large, horned devil standing inside.  Intimidated, the man starts squirming and asks, "Who is that?"  "That's Beelzebub, one of the seven princes of Hell."
They explain their plan to Beelzebub.  "I like it, I like it!" says Beelzebub.  "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that.  We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am."
The man, the demon, and Beelzebub all go to a magnificent castle.  Inside, on a chair, is an enormous horned devil more fearsome than Beelzebub.  Even Beelzebub looks intimidated.  "Who is that?" whispers the man.  "That's Satan himself!" replies the demon.
They explain their plan to Satan.   "I like it, I like it!" says Satan.  "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that.  We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am."
The man, the demon, Beelzebub, and Satan all approach this magnificent stone spire, climb up it, blow a horn, and down comes a rather unassuming-looking office worker in a button-down shirt.  Satan starts looking intimidated by his evilness.  "Who's that?" whispers the hellbound man.  "That's the guy who made Reddit's 'Promoted' ad content now appear three or five posts down the subs' feeds rather than in a banner at the top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c74u04/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c74tgd/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a/
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Be warned, if you are in the shower, I may Pikachu.

But, it's only 'cause I'm trying to see the Jigglypuffs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c74rom/be_warned_if_you_are_in_the_shower_i_may_pikachu/
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What does a slutty gay rooster say?

Any cock'll do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c74mqu/what_does_a_slutty_gay_rooster_say/
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I'm banned from my local dry cleaner

All I did was ask them if I could drop my pants and jacket off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c74jfz/im_banned_from_my_local_dry_cleaner/
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Reddit is environmentally friendly.

After all, almost all the content is recycled anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c74b2k/reddit_is_environmentally_friendly/
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What do ya call a company run by bees?

A buzziness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c746n0/what_do_ya_call_a_company_run_by_bees/
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How do you get 4 gay guys to sit on a bar stool?

You flip it upside down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c74593/how_do_you_get_4_gay_guys_to_sit_on_a_bar_stool/
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What is Bruce Lee's favourite drink?

Wataaaaaaah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7446w/what_is_bruce_lees_favourite_drink/
%
Hey, don't talk shit about our armed forces

My girlfriend's husband is a Marine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c73ylg/hey_dont_talk_shit_about_our_armed_forces/
%
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.

He's never gonna give you UP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c73vky/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
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Her: Who's your favourite Muppet Show character?

Me: The vampire
Her: That's Sesame Street – he doesn't count
Me: I can assure you that he does

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c73rda/her_whos_your_favourite_muppet_show_character/
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Craving for nuts

Last Friday I had a craving for nuts, so I spent the whole day with my wife and her mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c73kwy/craving_for_nuts/
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Not every joke works out

That's why I'm fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c73jq7/not_every_joke_works_out/
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Took one of those DNA-ancestory kits, and after my results, they're kicking me out of the Ku Klux Klan...

I found out my parents aren't even related

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c73hkh/took_one_of_those_dnaancestory_kits_and_after_my/
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Life is like a game of chess

I don’t know how to play chess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c73h5n/life_is_like_a_game_of_chess/
%
North Koreans think they are living in the best country in the world because they are brainwashed into thinking so.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c73h50/north_koreans_think_they_are_living_in_the_best/
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I thought last Friday was a sad day.

Turns out that today is a sadder day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c73du4/i_thought_last_friday_was_a_sad_day/
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What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.
Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c73djl/whats_as_big_as_a_house_burns_20_liters_of_fuel/
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My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c73cz1/my_son_is_now_at_that_age_where_hes_curious_about/
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When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c73ajo/when_i_refused_to_buy_her_concert_tickets_for_the/
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What do you call a musician palm?

Palm Cartney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c739cz/what_do_you_call_a_musician_palm/
%
What do mathematicians do when they get constipated?

They try to work it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c735th/what_do_mathematicians_do_when_they_get/
%
Where do duck farts come from?

Their buttquacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7318p/where_do_duck_farts_come_from/
%
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have sex it will be on my own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c72wnh/my_girlfriend_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the/
%
A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

"According to the Bible," says the surgeon, "God took a rib from Adam to make Eve. That's a surgeon's job, so we were first."
"But before that, the Bible says God created the world out of chaos," counters the engineer. "That would be my job. So we were first."
"Ah," says the politician. "But who do you think created the chaos?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c72n7h/a_surgeon_an_engineer_and_a_politician_are/
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What game do unvaccinated kids play in the swimming pool ?

Marco Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c72l4q/what_game_do_unvaccinated_kids_play_in_the/
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I used to host a morning radio show targeting the unemployed,

It started at 2pm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c72ioc/i_used_to_host_a_morning_radio_show_targeting_the/
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A pirate stole 1/3rd of my art

Ar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c72h3i/a_pirate_stole_13rd_of_my_art/
%
I've known Paul for years

He's always been such a nice guy. In middle school, our teachers would always ask if he finished his homework. Paul would hold up his homework and say yes. During lunch, kids would always ask if they could sit with him, and Paul would say yes. A kid would ask if he's trade his pudding cup for an apple and he'd say yes. I was amazed by how nice and generous he was, not to mention positive.
In high school, Paul was asked to join the basketball team. Her said yes and lead the school all the way to the championships. Some other students asked if he'd tutor them, and he said yes. Then the most popular girl in school asked him to prom. We were all surprised that he didn't ask her first. But he said yes. Then before graduation, he as asked to be valedictorian. And as you may have guessed, he said yes.
He went to college, and got a great job as soon as he got his degree. He worked his way up. Every time he was offered a promotion, he said yes. Paul became a wealthy man. And charitable. When the hospital asked for a donation, he said yes. When the schools asked for a donation, he said yes. When a complete stranger asked him to pay for his surgery, Paul said yes.
Then Paul's girlfriend proposed, and he said yes. Being his oldest and closest friend, I was asked to be his best friend. I said "I'll to it, Paul. But first, I have to ask. Why do you always say yes to everything?"
Paul simply shrugged and said "I don't no."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c72em9/ive_known_paul_for_years/
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I stopped molesting children.

No kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c72c17/i_stopped_molesting_children/
%
What's the world fastest fruit?

A tomato, nothing else can ketchup :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c72asj/whats_the_world_fastest_fruit/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c722q0/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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Men vs Women

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c71yhs/men_vs_women/
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The inventor of the snooze button just died.

His funeral will take place tomorrow at 8:00, 8:05, 8:10 and 8:15.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c71vzq/the_inventor_of_the_snooze_button_just_died/
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I was observing two men that were working for the public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while I had to ask, "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c71tz3/i_was_observing_two_men_that_were_working_for_the/
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A young man walks into a bar and orders 3 doubles of cheap vodka and downs them immediately

“What are you celebrating?” Asks the bartender
“My first blowjob”
“Congratulations! How about another on the house?” Offers the excited bartender
“No thanks, if three won’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c71qy6/a_young_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_3_doubles/
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I walked in on my wife’s personal trainer having sex with her.

I told her “This isn’t working out”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c71opt/i_walked_in_on_my_wifes_personal_trainer_having/
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What are the chocolate bar's preferred pronouns?

Her-She

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c71oi2/what_are_the_chocolate_bars_preferred_pronouns/
%
I went to a wedding and they played "The Twist" so I did the Twist, then they played "Macerena" so I did the Macerena then they played "Come On Eileen"

So I was told to leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c71m2s/i_went_to_a_wedding_and_they_played_the_twist_so/
%
So i asked a cute homeless girl could i take her home.

But i dont know why she was so confused when i walked off with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c71kiu/so_i_asked_a_cute_homeless_girl_could_i_take_her/
%
Where does the computer programmer take a piss?

At the IP address.
Where does he poop?
Install.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c71jk9/where_does_the_computer_programmer_take_a_piss/
%
Two farmers are arguing over their produce.

Farmer 1-"That's my grain!"
Farmer 2-"No that's my grain!"
A third farmer a bit aways walks in
Farmer 3-"I'm getting migraine just listening to you two idiots yell at each other"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c71gun/two_farmers_are_arguing_over_their_produce/
%
Aren't you excited that Breakdancing will be part of the 2024 Paris Olympic games?

I'm head over heels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c71ef6/arent_you_excited_that_breakdancing_will_be_part/
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How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c71byd/how_do_you_get_trump_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
Bank tellers are always super nice to me,

Everytime I go in they say I have an outstanding balance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c70qm7/bank_tellers_are_always_super_nice_to_me/
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Yesterday I got in touch with my inner self

That’s the last time I’m using single ply toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c70ong/yesterday_i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self/
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What's a gay man's favorite emoji?

:D
Because it puts a D right next to a colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c70fv0/whats_a_gay_mans_favorite_emoji/
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A truck driver, who's been on the road for two months, walks into a brothel

He slams a thousand dollar note on the receptionist's table and says "Give a cheese sandwich and one of your ugliest women"
The receptionist, quite taken aback, says "Why sir, for that money I could give you a seven course meal and two of our best women"
The truck driver says "Look lady, I ain't horny. I'm just homesick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c70bwu/a_truck_driver_whos_been_on_the_road_for_two/
%
Doctor: you should really try to eat healthier.

Me: Well, I've been eating a lot of vegetables lately. Just don't know what to do with all the extra wheelchairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c70bo7/doctor_you_should_really_try_to_eat_healthier/
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Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I’m not mad, just........disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c709jv/prisoner_im_sorry_i_tried_to_escape/
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Friends are like snowflakes...

When you pee on them they disappear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7063r/friends_are_like_snowflakes/
%
What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c702qt/whats_the_difference_between_a_light_bulb_and_a/
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What time does Sean Connery watch Wimbledon?

Around ten-ish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7028a/what_time_does_sean_connery_watch_wimbledon/
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Sean Connery once said...

“A book has fallen on my head, and I can only blame my shelf”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c701n9/sean_connery_once_said/
%
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.

A man came in and asked the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?'
The farmer shook his head and replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'
'So what happened that's so horrible?' the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
'Well,' the farmer said, 'today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.  Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.'
'Okay,' said the man, 'but that's not so bad.'
'Some things you just can't explain,' the farmer replied.
'So what happened then?' the man asked.
The farmer said, 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.'
'And then?' The man asked.
'Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.  Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.'
Man laughed and said, 'Again?'
The farmer replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'
'So, what did you do then?' the man asked.
‘I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.'
'And then?' The man asked.
‘Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.  Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
'Hmmm . . . ' the man said and nodded his head.
'Some things you just can't explain,' the farmer said.
'So, what did you do?' the man asked.
'Well,' the farmer said, 'I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6zz22/a_farmer_was_sitting_in_the_neighborhood_bar/
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A New Zealander is walking down the road with a sheep under each arm...

A local man spots him and asks 'Are you shearing?'
To which he says 'No, I'm gonna sleep with both of them '.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6zu95/a_new_zealander_is_walking_down_the_road_with_a/
%
When you stop by the animal shelter to pick up a dog that's great. But...

When you stop by the women's shelter to do the same everyone loses their fucking mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6zr63/when_you_stop_by_the_animal_shelter_to_pick_up_a/
%
Can a ninja attack you from a distance?

Shuriken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6zqrg/can_a_ninja_attack_you_from_a_distance/
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Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6zoff/magician_i_can_make_anything_disappear/
%
Two guys were tandemcycling up a steep hill.

Once they reached the top, the guy in the front while stil panting said:
"If I wouldn't have pedaled as hard as I did we would not have reached the top"
The other guy in the back responded:
"Yeah, and if I wouldn't have held down the brakes so hard we would have rolled down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6zl0v/two_guys_were_tandemcycling_up_a_steep_hill/
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What do you call a zoo that only has giraffes in it?

Giraffic Park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6zk0w/what_do_you_call_a_zoo_that_only_has_giraffes_in/
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Oldie, but no one I tell has ever heard it

One day there was a bunny hopping through the forest when he comes across a deer rolling up a joint.
The bunny says "Mr. Deer...don't waste your life on drugs. Prance through the forest with me and be free!" Mr. Deer thinks "Ya know...he's right. What am I doing with my life?"
So he prances off with Mr. Bunny and they are having a great time when the come across a bear about to snort a line of coke.
The bunny says "Mr. Bear...don't waste your life on drugs. Come prance through the forest with us and be free! Mr. Near thinks." Ya know...he's right. What am I doing with my life?"
So they all go prancing off together in the forest having a great time when they come across a lion tying off about to shoot up.
The bunny says Mr. Lion...don't waste your life on...
Before he could finish Mr. Lion swooped him up swallowing him in one bite.
Mr. Deer and Mr. Bear are taken aback. "Wha... what the fuck" says Mr. Bear. "He was trying to save your life.
Mr Lion says "Man...every time he gets hopped up on ecstasy he has me prancing through the forest all fucking day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6zghy/oldie_but_no_one_i_tell_has_ever_heard_it/
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I'm so proud of myself

Today there were a group of 4 guys beating up a nerd in school, so I went over to help.
Needless to say, he didn't do well against all 5 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6zg4j/im_so_proud_of_myself/
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What is brown, has four legs, green fur and if it falls from a tree, it kills you?

A pool table!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6zdfv/what_is_brown_has_four_legs_green_fur_and_if_it/
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A lady at the bank asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6zanz/a_lady_at_the_bank_asked_me_to_check_her_balance/
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A Therapist and a Man

Therapist: What seems to be the issue with you?
Man: I'm terrified of random letters.
Therapist: Are you?
*Man screams*
Therapist: I see...
*Screaming intensifies*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6zalx/a_therapist_and_a_man/
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Not all jokes work out

That's why I'm fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6z9de/not_all_jokes_work_out/
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How often do planes crash?

Just once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6z8nz/how_often_do_planes_crash/
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A private ran to his General, sending a message from the front lines. He was in utter distress.

"Sir! We are outnumbered three to one, and..."
"Private! Get me my red shirt," he interrupted, "When I bleed in battle, I don't want the soldiers to be discouraged."
"Sir! You don't understand, they have battalions of heavy artillery, and their tanks are twice the..."
The General interrupted again, "Private! Get me my brown pants..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6z68t/a_private_ran_to_his_general_sending_a_message/
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A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"
And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6z5wv/a_drill_sergeant_ran_his_platoon_of_recruits_all/
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What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?

I'm Gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6z30y/what_did_the_first_century_christian_say_about/
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At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6z11k/at_the_start_of_the_wedding_party_the_organizer/
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What do you get when you eat a blackberry?

A Bluetooth
*Joke at my local farmers market

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6yz6d/what_do_you_get_when_you_eat_a_blackberry/
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So I was invited to a cock fight just recently

And my opponent was a damn chicken. Motherfucker didn't stand a chance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ywia/so_i_was_invited_to_a_cock_fight_just_recently/
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What's a lawyer's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ywds/whats_a_lawyers_favorite_drink/
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Write the expression for the volume of a thick pizza with height "a" and radius "z".

*pi * z * z * a*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ysqh/write_the_expression_for_the_volume_of_a_thick/
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Okapis are the laziest animals...

Their zebra costumes are always half-assed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6yral/okapis_are_the_laziest_animals/
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A cabbie picks up a nun

A cabbie in NY just dropped off his last fare. It’s been a hot day and he just wants to get home. On his way back to the depot, he sees a nun trying to hail a cab. He thinks to himself, “Man I cant leave a nun out here. It’s hotter than hell”. So he picks her up
She gives him the address and then proceeds to ask him about his life. She asks if he’s ever questioned what he’s doing with his life. He’s confused and asks what she means. She pauses and then says “well I’ve pledged myself to God, but I’ve always wanted to know the touch of a man”
The cabbie is flustered by this. She then asks “do you have any children?  Are you married?”  The cabbie replies “no”. She then asks if he would be willing to show her what it’s like to be with a man. The cabbie thinks for a second and then agrees. So they detour to a shaded alley he knows about
As they exit the cab, the nun says “I have to remain a virgin, so you’ll have to put it in my ass if that’s okay”. The cabbie agrees and they start having sex.
When they’re done, they return to the cab and the nun thanks him. As they’re getting close to the nuns destination, he says “I have to come clean. I wants completely honest with you. I’m actually married. And I have a child”. The nun doesn’t seem to react. So they sit in silence.
As they reach the destination, the nun says to him while paying the fare “I guess I should be honest with you as well”. The cabbie looks bewildered.
The nun takes a deep breath and says “my name is Hank and I’m on my way to a costume party”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6yody/a_cabbie_picks_up_a_nun/
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Why do pirates like booty?

Because they like em thicc with 7 C's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ygn8/why_do_pirates_like_booty/
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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him.
"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ygah/on_his_74th_birthday_a_man_got_a_gift_certificate/
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Donald Trump's Presidency

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6yeiv/donald_trumps_presidency/
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What do yeast and people from Alabama have in common?

Both are in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6y3zg/what_do_yeast_and_people_from_alabama_have_in/
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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.
My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.
Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.
Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird like that. I, being a countryside kid, liked horses and riding them.
Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you".
They meant it, they'd done it before.
Few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found.
Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me.
Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse.
Get bored and climb inside the tire.
Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat).
Can't stop.
Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me.
They see me rollin'
They hatin'
Patrolling
Trying to catch me ridin’ Dirty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6y0fc/when_i_was_12_i_lived_with_my_abusive_uncle_and/
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What do you call someone that only read 1/8 of the Bible

An eightheist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6xxln/what_do_you_call_someone_that_only_read_18_of_the/
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Therea three things that happen when you get old

1:You start to lose your sight
2.You start to lose your hearing
And third . . . I cant remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6xwd9/therea_three_things_that_happen_when_you_get_old/
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A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.

Woman: What’s this?
Man: It’s a lime.
Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else?
The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table.
Woman: Is everything ok?
Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6xr7n/a_man_walks_up_to_a_woman_in_a_bar_and_puts_down/
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Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

COINCIDENCE? I think not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6xm49/two_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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I think I'm a good driver.

I never caused a bluescreen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6xhor/i_think_im_a_good_driver/
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I have a deep-seated fear of running water.

Or any liquid with legs really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6xgsk/i_have_a_deepseated_fear_of_running_water/
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6xfpf/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
I used to be a motorcycle courier...

Man those things are heavy..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6xd3m/i_used_to_be_a_motorcycle_courier/
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What is Hitler's favorite festival?

Burning Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6x3ri/what_is_hitlers_favorite_festival/
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I'm not racist." I said to my buddy. "But I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "That's not racist." he said.

"Exactly!" I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6x2gr/im_not_racist_i_said_to_my_buddy_but_i_prefer_my/
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Programming joke

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Unexpected Indent
In line 22

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6x0ei/programming_joke/
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How do you circumcise a whale?

Send down four skin divers....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6wycd/how_do_you_circumcise_a_whale/
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My little brother likes sirens so we took him to the police station to see some.

They tied him to a mast and set him asail the Aegean Sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6wxi3/my_little_brother_likes_sirens_so_we_took_him_to/
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One of my schoolmates became popular quite quickly.

as our shooting star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6wx07/one_of_my_schoolmates_became_popular_quite_quickly/
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A man goes to the doctor with a knife in his thigh

The doctor: "Sorry I can't fix that, we are closed"
Man: "But then what in the world am i supposed to do??"
The doctor promptly takes the knife from the man's thigh and stabs him in the eye. The man screams with questionable agony
Doctor: "The eye doctor is open until 8"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6wwee/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_with_a_knife_in_his_thigh/
%
So I walked in on my roommate, masturbating

And he was like, "dude why the fuck is your dick out?! Get the hell out of my room!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6wthu/so_i_walked_in_on_my_roommate_masturbating/
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Anal sex is like spinach

If you're forced to have it as a kid, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6wowk/anal_sex_is_like_spinach/
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I told my dad I'll call him later.

My dad said: "Don't call me later, call me Dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6wo64/i_told_my_dad_ill_call_him_later/
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When they made me they broke the mold

There was also some screaming of words like "abomination," "kill it with fire" and "dear god why?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6wmc8/when_they_made_me_they_broke_the_mold/
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A classic British football joke

Four British football fans are stranded on an Island, and one of them dies. The three who remain decide to eat the body to survive. One of them says "well, I support Manchester united, so I'll have his chest." The second says "well, I support Liverpool, so I'll have his liver". The third Guy says "hmm, I support Arsenal.. But I'm not hungry".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6wjzb/a_classic_british_football_joke/
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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6wgeb/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.

I never get a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6wfyo/ive_asked_so_many_people_what_the_abbreviation/
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They used to call me fat, but then I gained another 66% with soft drinks.

Now they call me fanta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6w9cg/they_used_to_call_me_fat_but_then_i_gained/
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There were 2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum, one night they decided they didn't like that very much.

They decided to escape. They make it up to the roof and just across this narrow gap they see a rooftop stretching across town, stretching to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across, no problem, but his friend? Oh no, he's afraid of falling. So the first guy, he has an idea, he says "hey! I got this flashlight with me. I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me!" but the 2nd guys says "what do you think I am, crazy? You'd just turn it off when I'm half-way across"
(Heard this joke on Batman The Killing Joke. Never seen it posted here. It always makes me laugh)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6w498/there_were_2_guys_locked_in_a_lunatic_asylum_one/
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Three ropes are lost in the desert.

The group of ropes find a town, and find the bar. They run in and ask for water.
Ropes: can we have some water!?
Bar keep: didn't ya see the sign, no ropes! Get out!
And the bar keep kicks them out. The first rope has an idea: what if two of us stack up so that we look like a person!
The first and second rope stack up, out on a trench coat, hat, sunglasses, and walk in.
Disguised ropes: can I have 3 glasses of water?
Bar keep: ok- wait a second.
And he rips off the hat.
Bar keep: you're ropes! Get out!
The ropes converge again.
The third rope comes up with something, so he starts picking at his strands and ties himself all up, and walks in. The bar keep is confused.
Bar keep: you a rope?
Rope: nope, I'm a-frayed knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6w2l4/three_ropes_are_lost_in_the_desert/
%
Half of this joke went missing.

That's ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6w0r0/half_of_this_joke_went_missing/
%
A man brags before his friend : "I'm very fast at calculus !"

So his friend, curious now, asks :
\- 72043 divided by 17 ?
The man immediately replies :
\- 6.
\- But... that's wrong!
\- Yep. But it's fast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6vypf/a_man_brags_before_his_friend_im_very_fast_at/
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A man and his two friends are out in the desert.

They had been planning this for a while so they all made sure they brought something to help them cool off. The first guy brought a water bottle so he could pour the water over himself to cool down. They all thought this a was a smart idea. The second guy brought a portable fan that doesn’t rely on an outlet. They all agree that that is a smart item to bring. The two guys ask the third guy what he brought. The third guy responds with, “I brought a car door.” The other two are baffled and ask for further explanation. The third guy goes, “Well, once I get hot I can roll the window down.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6vv0f/a_man_and_his_two_friends_are_out_in_the_desert/
%
My friend David had his ID stolen.

Now we just call him Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6vrmy/my_friend_david_had_his_id_stolen/
%
On a rainy night , a man says to his girl. "Here, take this umbrella and get home safely." The girl asks, "What about you 😢 ?" The man says

I'll take the taxi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6vghg/on_a_rainy_night_a_man_says_to_his_girl_here_take/
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A woman stole a cripple mans hat in a parking lot.

A cripple man has just noticed a woman has stolen his hat from the parking spot where he had just been parked. The man approached the woman and asked firmly..
Cripple man: why on earth did you steal my hat?!
Woman: because its a handy-cap....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6vfuo/a_woman_stole_a_cripple_mans_hat_in_a_parking_lot/
%
My wife left me due to my obsession with Linkin Park...

She took the god damn kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6vdu8/my_wife_left_me_due_to_my_obsession_with_linkin/
%
Someone again stole 40% of my dough.

ugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6vc8e/someone_again_stole_40_of_my_dough/
%
I've lost a third of my weight, but don't worry.

I'm ight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6v8ba/ive_lost_a_third_of_my_weight_but_dont_worry/
%
Me and my gf walking down the street

Gf: My lips are dry.
Me: Does it hurt to walk?
Gf: what?
Me:what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6v4us/me_and_my_gf_walking_down_the_street/
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I've lost 25% of my meth

Meh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6v4s5/ive_lost_25_of_my_meth/
%
Why are tall trees so happy?

They are high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6uy3k/why_are_tall_trees_so_happy/
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My grandfather had the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6usiq/my_grandfather_had_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
An apple fell on newton. It was then he realized

He could not afford a stand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6uqhu/an_apple_fell_on_newton_it_was_then_he_realized/
%
Two old Jewish men are on their afternoon walk

On their route is a Catholic church. There's a sign out the front that says "Convert to Catholicism - takes 2 hours, get $200".
The first guy says "What the hell. We're retired - I've got nothing better to do, and $200 is $200!"
So in he goes. 2 hours later he comes back out. The second guy says "So, did you get the money?"
The first guy responds "Is that all you people ever talk about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6unct/two_old_jewish_men_are_on_their_afternoon_walk/
%
My horse lost 25% of its hoof.

oof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ukv1/my_horse_lost_25_of_its_hoof/
%
A young woman that is a quadrapalegic is sitting in her powered chair on the beach. (longish)

A man that looks like a biker is walking by.
She calls to him: "Sir, Sir, could I talk to you please?"
The man looks, shrugs and walks over: "Sure, what's up?"
Girl: "I've always been so alone. Could you hold my hand, just for a moment? Please?"
Biker: "Well, that's simple enough. Sure, but only for a minute."
Minute passes.
Biker: releases her hand. "There you go, have a nice day."
Girl: "Please, could you do one more thing for me?"
Biker: I guess so, but I'm in a bit of a hurry."
Girl: "I've never been kissed before, would you kiss me, on the lips? Please?"
Biker: "Well, you're kinda pretty so, ok."
Kisses her long and thoroughly.
Biker: "There you go, Kissed for the first time."
Girl: "Please, just one more thing. I promise this will be the last I ask."
Biker: "Look, I've already done a lot and now I'm going to be late."
Girl: "Please just one more thing."
Biker: Hearing the desperation in her voice says: "Ok, this is the last damn thing though. What do you want?"
Girl: "I've never been fucked before. Please, fuck me."
Biker: He gently brushes her hair away from her face, smiles as he gently lifts her with his arms, and throws her into the crashing surf. "There, you're fucked." He says as he hurries off to his destination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ukr7/a_young_woman_that_is_a_quadrapalegic_is_sitting/
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So there's a guy that works driving trains in Bulgaria...

and he is a reckless driver, killing 1 person in the wreck. he goes to court, and is found guilty and gets put to the electric chair. Now, in Bulgaria, if the electric chair doesn't harm you, then it is a sign of godly intervention. requesting 1 banana for his last meal, he goes on the electric chair, but after the zapping, he is unharmed, so he goes back to being a train conducter. again, he crashes, killing 3 people this time. he's found guilty and put on the electric chair again. he asks for 2 banana's this time. again, he goes away unscathed. for the third time, he crashes, killing two people, and goes on the electric chair. he requests 3 bananas as his last meal. the executioner is finally fed up. "I've had it with you, and your stupid bananas!" he shouts, then locks him to the chair. the sparks fly, but he is still unharmed. "the bananas had nothing to do with it." he says. "im just a bad conducter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ujn5/so_theres_a_guy_that_works_driving_trains_in/
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6uihs/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
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No one likes russian dolls...

... they're so full of themselves!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6uhzc/no_one_likes_russian_dolls/
%
There once was a divorced woman and her young son...

One night the little boy went to get some water and saw his mother rubbing herself saying "I want a man I want a man". So he goes back to bed and the next night he sees his mother doing the same again. Another night, he sees a man and his mother having sex in the bedroom. The next night the mother goes into her young sons room to check on him and she sees her son rubbing himself saying "I want a new bike, I want a new bike..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6uc43/there_once_was_a_divorced_woman_and_her_young_son/
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Wanna see some small capital letters?

s a n m a r i n o

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ub7q/wanna_see_some_small_capital_letters/
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A poor man is wrongly accused of murder. He doesn't have the money to pay for an attorney, but he does have a friend who just recently received his lawyer's license.

The lawyer gave him a free trial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ub5a/a_poor_man_is_wrongly_accused_of_murder_he_doesnt/
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What do you call someone hanging around musicians?

A drummer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6u95r/what_do_you_call_someone_hanging_around_musicians/
%
Back in the days, I used to go to the store with 1 dollar and come back with 2 chocolate bars

But nowadays they have cameras

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6u7yx/back_in_the_days_i_used_to_go_to_the_store_with_1/
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A guy walks into a bar ....

He sits on a bar stool waiting for the bartender.
"Nice tie!" He was startled looking around to see would said that to him and there was no one around.  "Nice Shoes" he hears and again, looking around to see who said that to him and still no one was around.  The bartender finally comes over and the guy says, "hey, I keep hearing voices here".  The bartender say, "oh.  That's just the peanuts. They are complementary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6u6yy/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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roses are red, tulips are red, violets are red.

my garden is on fire :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6u5qx/roses_are_red_tulips_are_red_violets_are_red/
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I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating...

But I think I've pulled it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6u4gv/i_thought_it_was_impossible_to_get_injured_while/
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Little Johnny is learning the alphabet...

And you guys all know little Johnny, right? The kid is *no good.* He uses any excuse to disrupt class and say something rude. And his teacher is going through the alphabet and asking for examples of the letters.
"Who can tell me a word that starts with 'a'?"
Johnny's hand shoots up.
And she knows, *she knows* he's gonna scream "ass!" and the day will be ruined. So she calls on Sheila.
"Apple!"
"Oh, so good Sheila. Great work. Who has a 'b' word?"
And of course Johnny is leaping up, "me! Me! I KNOW ONE!"
"Uhhh, Anthony! Whaddya got Anthony?"
"Berry."
"Great. Work. Anthony."
And she goes through the rest of the alphabet. Dodging Little Johnny every time. And finally, the class is silent when she gets to 'r'.
"Anyone? Anyone know a word beginning with 'r'?"
Nobody but Johnny, apparently. His hand is high.
The teacher thinks about it for a bit. She runs through all the potential words, and cannot for the life come up with a bad r-word. With trepidation, she says, "ok. Johnny. What starts with 'r'?"
"A rat, miss!"
"*A big fuckin' rat*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6u24a/little_johnny_is_learning_the_alphabet/
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What do you call a slum in Italy?

A spaghetto!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6u1q9/what_do_you_call_a_slum_in_italy/
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A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

The Catholic and the Protestant pray for help, while the Jew relaxes in the corner of the raft, clipping his fingernails.
After they pray, the Catholic says to the Jew, "How come you're not praying? Don't you want God to help us?"
The Jew says, "20 years ago I opened up a clothing store. At the end of the year, I gave $1000 to the temple.
"Business was booming. I opened up a second store, and at the end of that year I gave $3000 to the temple.
"Now, I'm nationwide. I have 1200 stores coast to coast, and last year I donated $10 million to the temple.
"So don't worry. He'll find us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6tzfe/a_catholic_a_protestant_and_a_jew_are_stuck_on_a/
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What do you call it when a Mexican and a priest are fighting?

Alien vs predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6tz37/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_mexican_and_a_priest/
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Q: Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

A: If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to his chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6tx9l/q_why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_2_doors/
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A Jewish man's wife dies. He wants to place an obituary in the local newspaper. The lady taking his order asks him what he'd like the obituary to say. He says just put "Rachel died" The lady explained he can can actually use five words as it's the same price as two. He says please put

"Rachel died. Volvo for sale"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6turp/a_jewish_mans_wife_dies_he_wants_to_place_an/
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A sailor is stationed on an exotic island for months...

He writes to his wife and tells her "I miss you so much, and I'm surrounded by gorgeous island woman every day. I need something to keep my mind off of them so I don't cheat."
The wife responds with a package and a letter that says "I miss you, too, and I have a solution to your predicament. I've sent you an accordion; focus on learning to play it, and that will give you something to focus on besides beautiful island women."
Months go by, and finally the sailor returns home. He tells his wife he's missed her so much and can't wait to get her to bed and ravage her.
"I've missed you, too, honey. But first, play me a song on your accordion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6tr6f/a_sailor_is_stationed_on_an_exotic_island_for/
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A cop pulls a motorist over on the highway

"Do you know your lights are out?" asks the police officer.
"Yup," answers the driver. "But I don't care."
"And do you know how fast you were going?"
"Oh, probably about 20 miles over the limit."
"Can I see your license, sir?"
"I don't have one."
"Well, well, well," says the police officer. "That's three very serious violations. I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you."
At this point, the motorist's wife, beside him in the passengers' seat, interjects. "Oh, don't listen to him, officer!" She says. "He always talks that way when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6tr0r/a_cop_pulls_a_motorist_over_on_the_highway/
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I came across a lion in the jungle

I quickly cleaned him up and then ran off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6tlil/i_came_across_a_lion_in_the_jungle/
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What is Sean Connery’s favorite sport and when does he play it?

Tennish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6th4s/what_is_sean_connerys_favorite_sport_and_when/
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My friend told me being a mixed kid is a double edged sword.

He says he can run really fast and rap to any beat, but he can't swim or jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6tey1/my_friend_told_me_being_a_mixed_kid_is_a_double/
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What did the drummer name his children?

Anna 1, Anna 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6tc9g/what_did_the_drummer_name_his_children/
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Knock knock- who’s there- Will- Will who?

Will you please unlock the door so I can get in?
For anybody that may have read this, sorry for making you cringe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6tau4/knock_knock_whos_there_will_will_who/
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I sexually identify as drywall

I love getting plastered!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ta97/i_sexually_identify_as_drywall/
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The first zebra

in the world doesn't know if he is black or white so he goes to Moses and asks "Moses I'm I black or white" and Moses replied "I don't know ask Jesus he might know" so he went to Jesus and asked "I'm I black or white" Jesus said "you are what you are" so he went back to Moses and said "Jesus said you are what you are, I still don't know if I am black or white" Moses replied "go to Francis he knows alot about animals" so he goes to Francis and says " am I black or white Jesus said you are what you are I still don't know what I am" Francis said "  you are white if you were black he would of said you is what you is"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6t8r9/the_first_zebra/
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Spot

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents  of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous  about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the  doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through  the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second  longer without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another,  slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it  made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine.
So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6t7fq/spot/
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Fucking smug giraffes,

Always looking down on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6t65x/fucking_smug_giraffes/
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The wife told me she couldn't take my pretending to be a private eye shtick any more. She want's to split up.

Good idea Karen, we'll cover more ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6t5ow/the_wife_told_me_she_couldnt_take_my_pretending/
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Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair’s getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6sujr/three_disabled_stranded_men/
%
What question has never been asked to a vegan?

"Are you a vegan?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6sujk/what_question_has_never_been_asked_to_a_vegan/
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My doctor is thinking of prescribing me serotonin for headaches

That’s a happy thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6sug9/my_doctor_is_thinking_of_prescribing_me_serotonin/
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Just heard my next door neighbour’s window smash and his burglar alarm went off so I immediately sprang into action…

Went round there and got myself a free telly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ss49/just_heard_my_next_door_neighbours_window_smash/
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6sq8m/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
There was this drunk walking down the street, and he walks up to this cop and says “Man, somebody stole my car”....

....and the cop looks at him and says “Well, where was it?” and the drunk holds up his car keys says “It was right at the end of this key”.
The cop says “I don’t know man, but why don’t you go down to the precinct and report it down there, they’ll fill out all the proper forms and help you out”
the drunk says thank you and starts walking away but the cop calls out to him and says “Hey before you go down there you better zip up your fly” and the drunk looks down at his fly and says “Oh man! They got my girl too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6spbb/there_was_this_drunk_walking_down_the_street_and/
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How does Moses prepare tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6sk83/how_does_moses_prepare_tea/
%
I Ate Two Pieces of String that Came Out Tied!

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6sk57/i_ate_two_pieces_of_string_that_came_out_tied/
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Mark and Darcy are happily married but haven't had much time alone since both are so busy.

One Friday evening, they both decided to have a romantic dinner. So Darcy sends Mark to the grocery store to pick up a few things.
Mark's walking down an aisle when he notices a smoking hot woman waving at him. He looks over his left and right shoulder; making sure she wasn't waving at someone behind him. He's the only one there so he waves back.
First thing Mark notices is that her body is out of this world. And a smile that would melt the coldest man's heart. But as they get closer to each other, he stops.
Mark asks her, “Do I know you??”
She replies, “Yes! I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Mark takes a step back in shock. The guy’s mind is whirring as he can only think about the one time he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife.
Mark asks the woman, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party? The one that I made love to on the pool table with all of my buddies watching. And the other girl was licking your nipples with whip cream???”
She replies, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6sjy8/mark_and_darcy_are_happily_married_but_havent_had/
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You ever notice “adult toys” only ever refers to things you use for sex...

It never refers to a giant race car or a big nerf gun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6sj1k/you_ever_notice_adult_toys_only_ever_refers_to/
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Counterstrike is actually the most progressive game

Because the terrorists get equal access to weapons and stand a chance of winning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6shtj/counterstrike_is_actually_the_most_progressive/
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what do you get when you combine an elephant and a rhino?

hellifiknow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6sh5q/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_an_elephant_and/
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What do you call a group of killer whales playing music together?

An orca-stra!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6sfay/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_killer_whales_playing/
%
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?

Bad reviews , only 1 star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6sf9p/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system/
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What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?

A Dictator :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6sd65/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_a_penis_and_a/
%
My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes

I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6scct/my_wife_said_she_is_leaving_on_account_of_my/
%
A frog walks in to a bank.

He asks for a loan, and the teller, named Patricia wack says no.
He then says “But my father is Mic Jagger!”
Patricia says no again.
He then lays his heart and soul, a marble elephant, down on the table, and asks again. “Can I have a loan?”
Patricia flips over the table and screams “NO!” One final time.
The bank manager walks over, and asks “What is all the fuss about?”
Patricia says that the frog wants a loan.
“That’s a nick-nack, Patty Wack, give this frog a loan! His old mans a rolling stone!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6sb04/a_frog_walks_in_to_a_bank/
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Have you ever heard of an Australian kiss?

It's like a French kiss, but down under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6s72h/have_you_ever_heard_of_an_australian_kiss/
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Bigger than a horse

A guy comes into a restaurant and sees a sign saying “Whoever can make the owner’s horse laugh gets a free meal.” He decides to try it, goes to the horse and says something in its ear. The horse starts laughing like crazy.
A week later the guy comes back to the restaurant and sees a sign saying “Whoever can make the owner’s horse cry gets a free meal.” So he goes to see the horse again and a few seconds later the horse starts weeping.
The owner asks the guy how he did it both times. The guy says “The first time I told him my penis was bigger than his, it made him laugh. The second time I showed him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6s3aw/bigger_than_a_horse/
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Why shouldn’t you mix whiskey and calculus?

Because its illegal to drink and derive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6s2yw/why_shouldnt_you_mix_whiskey_and_calculus/
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Infinite mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one asks for half a beer, the next asks for a fourth of a beer, and the next asks for an eighth, and so on, eventually the bartender pours a single beer and says “Know your limits!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6s2ow/infinite_mathematicians_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Tits without nipples...

They're pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6s14j/tits_without_nipples/
%
What do you call a cat that you wear on your wrist?

Aristocrat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6rtcn/what_do_you_call_a_cat_that_you_wear_on_your_wrist/
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A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around.         “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied.                                                                  “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said.                                                   “See? It works!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6rp3v/a_man_is_putting_salt_around_the_city_of_paris/
%
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight

Sigh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6rdqd/sadly_ive_lost_20_of_my_sight/
%
Moses and Jesus were golfing and Jesus says "Hand me a nine iron,"

Moses replies, "You can't use a nine iron for that shot!". Jesus say "Arnold Palmer uses a nine iron I'm going to use one,"
The next hole Jesus says "Moses give me the nine iron," Moses replies again "You can't use a nine iron for this shot,"
Jesus says,"Arnold Palmer uses a nine iron I'm going to use one."
So as Jesus walk out on to the water to get his golf ball that he shot astray fellow golfer asks Moses "Who does he think he is Jesus Christ?" And Moses replies "No Arnold Palmer,!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6r8jv/moses_and_jesus_were_golfing_and_jesus_says_hand/
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What’s worse than having a worm in your apple?

The holocaust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6r6fq/whats_worse_than_having_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire

see you next month

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6r40h/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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A masochist says to her sadist husband, “Hit me! punch me! kick me!”

and her sadist husband says,
“no.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6r261/a_masochist_says_to_her_sadist_husband_hit_me/
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6r1py/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_shes_been/
%
What's the difference between a musician and a park bench?

A park bench can support your family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6r11m/whats_the_difference_between_a_musician_and_a/
%
"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"

"Mister President, we've been over this..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6r0wu/youre_telling_me_that_im_losing_my_job_because/
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Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6r06w/astronaut_1_i_cant_find_any_milk_for_my_coffee/
%
A man walks into a bar

And asks the bartender for a beer, but exclaims he doesn't have any money. The bartender tells him to leave and come back when he can buy a drink.
The man says "if I show you the most amazing thing in the world, will you give me a beer?"
Bartender says, "I've seen a lot of amazing things behind this bar, but if it's the most amazing I'll give you a beer"
The man pulls out a box and puts it on the bar. He takes off the lid and 12 inch man is playing the piano.
Bartender yells that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen and asks how he got him.
The man says "I have a genie" and pulls out the lamp.
The bartender immediately offers free drinks for the man and his friends for life for one wish.
The man accepts.
Bartender rubs the lamp, the genie comes out and he says, "I wish for 1 millions bucks"
The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks start flying around the bar.
Bartender yells at the man "I didn't ask for millions ducks, I asked for 1 millions bucks"
The man says, "yeah, he's a little hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6r05j/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qzq4/i_was_banging_this_hot_chick_on_her_kitchen_table/
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qyye/my_housemates_are_convinced_our_house_is_haunted/
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Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo momma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qycq/can_we_ban_yo_momma_jokes_from_this_sub_theyre/
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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qxd7/i_was_telling_a_girl_i_met_in_a_bar_last_night/
%
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qx5i/when_i_was_a_teen_my_dad_showed_me_a_30_minute/
%
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”

Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No you’re not.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qwy0/wife_im_pregnant/
%
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qvhc/bill_gates_and_elon_musk_should_teamup_and_make_a/
%
I think my waitress is hungry

She keeps asking how my food is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qvfi/i_think_my_waitress_is_hungry/
%
What does every tickle me Elmo get before it leaves the factory?

Two test tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6quq2/what_does_every_tickle_me_elmo_get_before_it/
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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick"

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied "you just ask nicely".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6quj3/i_started_a_new_job_my_boss_said_hi_my_name_is/
%
My boss told me to have a good day

So I went home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qtod/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
%
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qrxb/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/
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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"
Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qroh/wife_was_cleaning_12_year_old_sons_bedroom/
%
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings

But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qrea/the_vagina_has_more_than_8000_nerve_endings/
%
"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qr2k/mom_im_dating_a_man/
%
Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it is cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qpbt/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_female/
%
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

They become VERY ANGRY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qp47/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
%
A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qo72/a_feminist_told_me_about_the_dwayne_johnson_rule/
%
A man was coughing all day long and decided to go and see a doctor

So the man arrives at the doctor and explains the problem.
The doctor accidentally gave him laxative instead of coughing syrup but the man already left.
So a couple days later the man comes back for chek-up and the doctor asks: " alright, are you still coughing?"
The man replies: "no, i'm afraid to"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qiz4/a_man_was_coughing_all_day_long_and_decided_to_go/
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There was once a crafty carnival worker.

At a local state fair, he created a new spin on the classic "Guess Your Weight" game. Folks would step up to the booth, point to one of his sheep, and try to determine how much the sheep weighed.
Of course, with the amount of wool varying from sheep to sheep, most guesses weren't even close and the carnie made a killing.
One day, a patron caught on to his game, but was disgusted by how the man would swap out sheep when people weren't looking to make greater gains from previous visitors. So one night, the patron snuck in and snagged three of his sheep.
The next day, the carnie comes to find the patron has set a booth right next to his own, with the same gimmick...except the three sheep have been shaved, making the guessing much easier and more reasonable.
"What's the meaning of this?!" the carnie shouted. "Not only have you taken three of my sheep, but you've also stolen my act! I'll sue you!"
"I'm afraid you have no case, sir," the patron replied. "These animals are fair ewes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qfhp/there_was_once_a_crafty_carnival_worker/
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I heard this barber got arrested today for selling drugs. I’m gutted, I was his best customer..

I never knew he was a barber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6qfc3/i_heard_this_barber_got_arrested_today_for/
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Did you know that 2 in 4 people...

Can’t reduce fractions?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6q8jc/did_you_know_that_2_in_4_people/
%
I specialise in a certain type of dark humour

You won't get it, it's for blind people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6q5w6/i_specialise_in_a_certain_type_of_dark_humour/
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What do you call a group of California Highway Patrolmen with chewing tobacco?

CHiPs and dip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6q3eb/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_california_highway/
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My roommate thinks our house is haunted. Nonsense.

I've lived here for 219 years and never noticed anything strange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6pzn2/my_roommate_thinks_our_house_is_haunted_nonsense/
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Sorry we don't serve faster than light particles here.

A Tachyon walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ps5g/sorry_we_dont_serve_faster_than_light_particles/
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Your mamma's so old...

she met your new step daddy on a carbon dating site!   :0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ppue/your_mammas_so_old/
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Old Men Scam

>**Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam’s Club, or even Wal-Mart.  This one caught me totally by surprise  Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.  Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.  Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.**
**Here's how the scam works;** **Two very beautiful, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.  They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.  (It's impossible not to look).  When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.**
**You agree and they climb into the vehicle.  On the way, they start undressing.  Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.**
**I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th.  Also December 1st, 2nd, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend**
**So tell your friends to be careful.  What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men.  Warn your friends to be vigilant.**
**Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.**
**Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's.  I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart**
**So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6po76/old_men_scam/
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When we were kids, girls would say "boys to go Jupiter to get more stupider"

Little did they know, the girls would go to Mars to grow up to become Instagram pornstars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6p60b/when_we_were_kids_girls_would_say_boys_to_go/
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Why aren’t horses allowed in the Catholic church?

Because they’re neigh sayers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6p2jg/why_arent_horses_allowed_in_the_catholic_church/
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You know what's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ozup/you_know_whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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Dad: Hey son, you got my whatchamacallit??

Son: Yeah I doodad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6oy8x/dad_hey_son_you_got_my_whatchamacallit/
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Whats the last thing your father says before killing you with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6oy7r/whats_the_last_thing_your_father_says_before/
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I called the child abuse hotline...

It turns out it’s for victims only

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ox7i/i_called_the_child_abuse_hotline/
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Went to America and really fell into the culture.

A guy in the local gas station told me to "Have a nice day."
I didn't, so I sued him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ow1u/went_to_america_and_really_fell_into_the_culture/
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If pessimism was a Olympic sport

I would still not win it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6oidu/if_pessimism_was_a_olympic_sport/
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Why do you always invite two Mormons fishing?

Because if you invite one they'll drink all your beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6odoj/why_do_you_always_invite_two_mormons_fishing/
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How can you tell if someone has short term memory loss?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6o9vm/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_has_short_term_memory/
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I started a band called "999 Megabytes"...

But we haven't got any gigs yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6o8hv/i_started_a_band_called_999_megabytes/
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3 people were stranded on an island and as they went to explore the forest, they fell in a trap set by a tribe there.

The tribe promised them safety and the tools they need to leave the island if they each completed one small trial. The 3 guys agreed. The first half of the trial was to grab 10 of the same fruit from the forest and return. The second half was revealed as they returned which was to put the fruit up their butt without making a noise. The first guy returned with 10 apples, and they told him to put it up his butt without making a noise, he failed and they killed him. Second guy came back with grapes, and he succeeded with the first 9, but laughed on the last one. When he went up to heaven and met the first guy again, he was asked: “why did you laugh? You were one away?” The second guy replied, “the third guy came back with pineapples.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6o825/3_people_were_stranded_on_an_island_and_as_they/
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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer

Me: This isn’t working out.
Her: But it’s my cheat day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6o71q/i_walked_in_on_my_girlfriend_having_sex_with_her/
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What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?

The wheel chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6o4cv/whats_the_hardest_part_about_eating_vegetables/
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Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6o04h/where_would_you_rate_smashing_pumpkins_in_your/
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I Always Wondered what my Parents did before the Internet...

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ntey/i_always_wondered_what_my_parents_did_before_the/
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A man and woman had been married for 30 years...

...and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ns8u/a_man_and_woman_had_been_married_for_30_years/
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Three generations of prostitute's were sitting around talking

The daughter say's that she worked all day and hardly made anything. The mother says that in her day, things weren't much better. Then the Grandma say,'' In my day, we were just happy to have something warm in our stomach''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6npgu/three_generations_of_prostitutes_were_sitting/
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Why didnt the audience laugh at the giraffe' s joke?

It went over their heads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6np98/why_didnt_the_audience_laugh_at_the_giraffe_s_joke/
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A drunk man walks out of a bar...

A drunk man walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing across the street, waiting for the bus to arrive. He stumbles over to her and punches her in the face. She falls to the ground and starts screaming and crying.
The drunk man then screamed, "You're not so tough are you, Batman?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6nnqj/a_drunk_man_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac

He says “can I get two beers,one for me and one for the road”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6nmem/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_piece_of_tarmac/
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My flat earther friend decided to walk around the earth to prove it was flat

He came around in the end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6nlbg/my_flat_earther_friend_decided_to_walk_around_the/
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A man is called into his boss' office

\- Boss: How could you fuck her?! What's wrong with you?!
\- Man: She was naked, what was I supposed to do?
\- Boss: The autopsy, the fucking autopsy!
\- Man: She was dead anyway!
\- Boss: You're the worst veterinarian ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6nhdm/a_man_is_called_into_his_boss_office/
%
A couple go to the new farmers' market just outside of town

They walk past the various stands selling fresh produce, looking for things to take back home. They see gigantic, ripe watermelons on one table. Another holds plump, vibrant tomatoes. A dazzling array of berries fills baskets on another.
Finally, they see a table at the end of the market, where an old farmer is relaxing on an old rocking chair behind an assortment of unassuming fruit and vegetables.
The couple share a curious glance and approach the table.
"See something you like?" The farmer asks, still leaning back in his chair.
"Well..." The man says, crossing his arms and eyeing a small pile of misshapen potatoes, "To be honest, we saw a lot of much more attractive options. Your stuff seems a little..."
"Plain." The woman says, examining an ear of corn from the table. The farmer chuckles and leans forward to pick up a handful of green beans.
"Yeah, my stuff ain't as pretty as the rest. But they've got something no one else has got." The farmer tosses the green beans into the air, and suddenly they burst into tiny fireworks of various dazzling colors.
The man stumbles away from the table, flabbergasted. The woman's eyes go wide in surprise. A pleased smile rests on the farmer's face as he leans back in his chair.
"How did you do that?" The woman asks, taking a handful of green beans to pick through and examine.
"Magic." The farmer answers, "My family's farm sits on a place of old magic. All the crops we grow come with all sorts of neat little tricks."
"Really?" The man questions, prodding at a motionless squash on the table.
"Yep," the farmer says bending forward to grab the squash, "Everything here has a little bit of something special." The farmer turns the squash in his hands, the skin shifting colors with each rotation.
"That's so cool!" The woman grins as she looks at all of the produce on the table in a new light. "What else can they do?"
The farmer starts pointing to various vegetables and fruits and says, "Well, the eggplants taste like apple pie, the corn is hard as a brick and heavy as such. The watermelons come back to you if you throw 'em, and the cucumbers sing when they're near running water. The tomatoes bounce like rubber, the beets turn invisible at night..."
The couple looks to each piece of produce as the farmer continues, amazed at what they're hearing. Once the farmer is done, the couple start to whisper to each other excitedly about what they're going to get. As they grab their selections, the woman lifts up a watermelon, revealing a small red pepper beneath.
She looks at it curiously and sees it shaking slightly, seemingly shivering. She points to it and asks the farmer,
"What's up with this one? I don't remember you mentioning it."
The farmer looks at it for a moment and smiles.
"Oh, that one? It's just a little chili."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ngsd/a_couple_go_to_the_new_farmers_market_just/
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Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ndjw/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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What do thin alleles like to wear?

Skinny genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6n9l1/what_do_thin_alleles_like_to_wear/
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A old man and a young man play golf

The young man sees an old man hug an incredibly attractive 24 year old blonde. The woman leaves in a sport car peeling out of the facility wildly while leaving the old man with his golf gear. The old man walks towards the course smiling and seems to be settling up to start his game. The young man walks up to the old man and asks him if he has a partner to play against and if not would he mind if he joined him.
The old man said sure, and they started to play together. The young man starts off going first, and gets a hole in one. The old man says, wow thats a great shot. The old man goes next and misses, tries again and eventually knocks it in with +8 strokes. The young man tells the old man after seeing it easy it would be for him to win, that he would like to make a bet with the old man to see who would win. The young man says “ if i win you have to introduce your daughter to me!” The old man agrees, he then replies “fine but if i win you have to give me your moms number” the young man agrees laughing at the thought of him losing. They play for an hour and on every hole the young man gets a hole in one, while the old man takes 8 strokes.
Everytime the young man gets a hole in one, the old man says “slow down, your going to fast, be patient, enjoy the match.” The game comes to an end and its pretty obvious the young man won. The old man looks at the sky, and tells the young man that he won and a bet is a bet. At this moment the attractive blonde walks up to the two men and says “are you ready to come home daddy?” The young man nudges the old man, expectantly. The old man puts his arms around the blonde and reaches in his pocket for his phone. He calls a number and speaks. “Hey honey we will be home soon, a friend of mine wanted to be introduced to you!” And he places the phone on speakerphone and the young man hangs it up and says “quit playing games old man, introduce me to your daughter!” As he points towards the blonde.
The woman yells in disgust, “i am not his daughter! I am his wife!” And she storms away. The young man shocked asks the old man how he swung that. The old man replied, “ive been telling you all day, slow down, be patient, and enjoy the match. While you have been putting it first try and finishing to your satisfaction. I put in the extra time, and it takes me longer to finish the match than most people.” The young man stares confused, the old man tells him that he doesnt put out quickly unlike the young man, he lasts for 8 hours every time, and all women get satisfaction when with him. The young man doesn’t beleive him and asks for proof. The old man walks over to the young man, takes his phone and makes a call. The young mans mother picks up. The old man puts it on speaker phone and says into the phone. “Carol tell our son, about bingo night, he needs to know how he was born! Also send me your new number, some nudes, and a picture of our old divorce papers.” He passes the phone back to the young man grabs his phone, hears a beep and says “niiiiiiice” before walking away. The young man throws his phone on the ground, then yells loudly, “Mother fucker!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6n7nq/a_old_man_and_a_young_man_play_golf/
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Doc I can’t stop imitating the Kool Aid man...

Doctor: Oh no!
Patient: Oh yeah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6n698/doc_i_cant_stop_imitating_the_kool_aid_man/
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To the person who stole my antidepressants

I hope you are happy now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6n0j1/to_the_person_who_stole_my_antidepressants/
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What does a horny mathematician with a lisp do to have fun?

**Math debates**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6n06j/what_does_a_horny_mathematician_with_a_lisp_do_to/
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A man visits the doctor for a checkup.

"Your vitals look fine," he said. "But it looks like your sperm count is a bit low. Have you felt any changes in sexual desire or had difficulty in bed?"
"Now that you mention it, the last few times I've had an orgasm, I've felt like my entire testicle was being sucked through my dick!"
"Oh dear," the doctor said. "It sounds like you have a somewhat rare testicular disorder. Luckily, it is curable, but until we can get you the medicine you need, you'll need to abstain from sexual activity, and make sure you stay away from other people."
"Really? It's contagious?"
"Oh yes," the doctor replied, writing a prescription. "What cums a round, goes around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6mzre/a_man_visits_the_doctor_for_a_checkup/
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A butcher answers a phone call.

The caller asks:
- Do you have chicken legs?
- Yes.
- Do you have a pig head?
- Yes.
- Do you have cow ears?
- Yes.
- Do you have turkey wings?
- Yes.
The caller finally says:
- Damn, dude, you must look really crazy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6mz6g/a_butcher_answers_a_phone_call/
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What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?

You get a load of traffic jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6muuv/what_do_you_get_when_you_get_10_cars_and_a_ton_of/
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An officer spots an old woman with 2 large bags...

One of the bags rip and 1 dollar bills slowly fall out. The officer asks, “ma’am, did you steal those?” The old lady responds. She tells the officer, “No, I live next to a golf course. The golfers found a hole in my fence, so they pee through the hole, killing my flowers. So one day, while one of them is peeing, I grab their penis, yelling PAY UP OR IT COMES OFF!” The officer goes, “I see, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6mrig/an_officer_spots_an_old_woman_with_2_large_bags/
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Where do you see yourself in 6 months?

I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6mela/where_do_you_see_yourself_in_6_months/
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What do you call 2 monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime mates
Credit: dad jokes from insta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6m47p/what_do_you_call_2_monkeys_who_share_an_amazon/
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My granddad used to say judge a man not by his skin, but by the content of his character.

Great advice , terrible Grand Wizard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6m33r/my_granddad_used_to_say_judge_a_man_not_by_his/
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A guy is talking to a girl

:
"Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place"
"Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?"
"No, I'm a dentist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6m1to/a_guy_is_talking_to_a_girl/
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What do you call a sad coffee?

Depresso.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6lzsf/what_do_you_call_a_sad_coffee/
%
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner only had one golf ball...

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem." Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you manage to get a golf ball like that??"
The other guy replies, "I found it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6lwvf/two_friends_went_out_to_play_golf_and_were_about/
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Elephant Penis

Jack goes to the doctor and says, "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?"
After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"
"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently, then says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from hispants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With his eyes watering, Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6lvup/elephant_penis/
%
A teacher is trying to persuade the kids to buy a copy of the class' group picture:

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out: “And there’s our teacher, she’s dead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6lvkf/a_teacher_is_trying_to_persuade_the_kids_to_buy_a/
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Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.

I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.
The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6luz7/sadly_i_think_my_family_are_a_bunch_of_racists/
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A young boy is out fishing with his Grandpa (NSFW)

As they are sitting together, the Grandpa pulls out a cigar from his coat pocket. The boy, around 12 years old, looks over at his Grandpa with a curious gaze. The grandpa then takes out a lighter and ignites the cigar.
"Grandpa" he says, "Do you think you could let me try that?"
The Grandpa looks down towards his grandson. "Well Tommy, can you touch your penis to your asshole?" Tommy gets a look of shock on his face and exclaims "What!? That's weird Grandpa, of course I can't do that!" His grandpa looks off in the distance, still smoking, and says "Well, if you figure out how to do that, maybe I'll let you try it."
A couple hours pass by, and it's getting hot outside. Grandpa reaches down into their lunch cooler and pulls out a can of beer. Tommy looks over at Grandpa, again with that curious look in his eyes. "Grandpa, what are you drinking? Do you think I could have a sip?"
Grandpa looks back at Tommy. "Well Tommy, did you ever figure out how to touch your penis to you asshole?" Tommy looks more agitated than shocked this time around "Grandpa! Why do you keep saying that!? You know that's not possible!" Grandpa smiles and says again, "Well, you can only have this if you figure it out!"
Tommy shrugs his shoulders, and reaches into the lunch box and grabs his sandwich, chips, and a bag of cookies.
Grandpa finishes his beer, then glances over towards Tommy and his bag of cookies.
"Say Tommy, those cookies look really great! Let me have some of them!" Tommy answers his Grandpa, "Well Grandpa, can YOU tough YOUR penis to YOUR asshole?" Grandpa gets a triumphant grin on his face and proudly exclaims "As a matter of fact I can!"
Tommy looks at the cookies, then back to his Grandpa.
"Well, you can go fuck yourself, because Grandma made these cookies for me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6lt5t/a_young_boy_is_out_fishing_with_his_grandpa_nsfw/
%
What's Indiana Jones least favorite band?

The Rolling Stones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6lsom/whats_indiana_jones_least_favorite_band/
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A guy goes up to a prostitute...

and asks, "how much?" She replies "$100." The man shakes his head and counters, "how about $25?" She shakes her head no and the man walks away.
The next day the man is walking down the same street with his wife when he passes by the same prostitute. She calls out to him, "you see, that's what you'll get for $25."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6lee3/a_guy_goes_up_to_a_prostitute/
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Where is one subreddit a person who visits anime conventions cannot post?

Shower thoughts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ldzz/where_is_one_subreddit_a_person_who_visits_anime/
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How do you call a crew hunting for sperm whales ?

Seamen of course

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6lbbr/how_do_you_call_a_crew_hunting_for_sperm_whales/
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What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant

Swimming trunks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6lati/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_fish_with_an/
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Medusa makes cheese nowadays

Gorgonzola

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6l9w6/medusa_makes_cheese_nowadays/
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A Boyfriend and Girlfriend are Going to Their High School Prom

A boy and a girl are getting ready to go to their high school prom. They're making plans and the girlfriend realizes that the boyfriend hasn't rented his tux, gotten the corsage, and ordered the limo.
"Don't worry the boy says I'll take care of it."
The boy goes to the tailor and it's a ridiculously long line. He waits for hours and hours and finally he gets fitted for his tux.
He goes to the florist next. Once again an incredibly long line and he has to wait hours until finally he orders the corsage.
And then finally he goes to the limo company and what do you know it's also an incredibly long line. He waits and waits and by the grace of God he is able to rent the limo.
It's the night of prom and everything goes off without a hitch. Parents take pictures, the limo ride was a blast, and they get to the school and are dancing the might away.
Eventually after all the dancing the girl says she's thirsty and asks the boy to get her some punch. The boy walks up to the table with the punch on it and there's no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6l9hv/a_boyfriend_and_girlfriend_are_going_to_their/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6l85r/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6l7uw/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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Mother in law dies

A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies.
So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150.
“We’ll ship her home,” says the husband.
The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”
The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can’t take that chance.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6l7bu/mother_in_law_dies/
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I thought my phone was broken as it keeps referring to me as Shirley.

Then I realised it was in Aeroplane mode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6l78b/i_thought_my_phone_was_broken_as_it_keeps/
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Accidentally swiped right on my sister on tinder....

Now she knows I was cheating on her :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6l6tv/accidentally_swiped_right_on_my_sister_on_tinder/
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While Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel....

One day, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.
Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"
The woman did not look up, and continued praying.  So, Michelangelo said, even louder, "I am Jesus Christ, Son of God, obey me!"
Still the woman did not budge.  So, Michelangelo shouted at the top of his lungs, "I am Jesus Christ, hear my word!"
The old woman finally turned to look up, and held up her rosary, saying, "Shut up!  I'm talking to your mother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6l49r/while_michelangelo_was_painting_the_ceiling_of/
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Me and my girlfriend had a party to go to last night..

My girlfriend and I had a party to go to last night, so we thought we'd nip to the shops to get some food to cook up and line our stomachs with.
So we got to the supermarket, collected all of our ingredients and what not, but then when we approached the checkouts there was a massive line, and we would have ended up being late if we waited and cooked. There was a McDonalds near by so we decided to ditch the cooking and just go there instead.
We walked around the corner and got to McDonalds but as soon as we got there we saw that once again the line was enormous and was nearly coming out the door. After much consideration we decided we'd just have to go hungry as we hate being late - hopefully there'll be some nibbles on at the party anyway.
So we ditched McDonalds and went to the off-licence (liquor store) to pick up some booze to drink once we got to the party. We arrived there and lo and behold the line was massive again. We were running out of time and we knew the hosts had a large punch bowl for everyone to enjoy so we decided to head straight to the party and would have to apologise for being empty-handed.
Finally after a stressful day we got to the party, everyone was laughing, drinking and having fun. My girlfriend turns to me and says she's heading to the bathroom. 30 seconds later she comes back.
"That was quick" I said
"I didn't end up going, you'll never believe it but the line was huge again!" She replied
At this point we both just wanted a drink so we went to the kitchen, and as I found the bowl of booze, I said:
"Would you look at that, no punch line!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6kzkq/me_and_my_girlfriend_had_a_party_to_go_to_last/
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Theres a live fish in a restaurant

Upon accepting his fate ge says to the chef in defeat "Fillet me to rest."
(i think i made it up myself could use some work probably)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6kyu9/theres_a_live_fish_in_a_restaurant/
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Peeing on my flowers

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop."Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady."You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ky58/peeing_on_my_flowers/
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I am a Chinese....

Black, Jewish blonde guy. I've just parked my bus and crossed the road and walked into a bar and told to bartender: "you know what? My life is a fucking joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6kxsu/i_am_a_chinese/
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What do you call a dog fucker in McDonalds?

A McFurry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6kxdx/what_do_you_call_a_dog_fucker_in_mcdonalds/
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Electronic Arts, the games company, have had their lawyers in court stating that:

”There not loot boxes in our games, there surprise mechanics”.
Yeah right, that's like saying:
”It's not paedophilia its early access”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6kwol/electronic_arts_the_games_company_have_had_their/
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What does the Pope say when he looks into a toilet?

"Holy Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6kv9w/what_does_the_pope_say_when_he_looks_into_a_toilet/
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A little girl walked into a barber shop eating a muffin...

She sat down next to the chair where a customer was getting a haircut.
The barber turned to the little girl and shook his head. "You'll get hair on your muffin."
The girl smiled up at the man and nodded. "Yeah, they say I'll get tits too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6krsa/a_little_girl_walked_into_a_barber_shop_eating_a/
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So I was smoking while on balcony. Couldn't find an ashtray, threw the butt off the window.

A little boy (maybe 10 or so) was playing down there, and cigarette landed right before his feet. So he looks up directly at me and says:
-You shouldn't throw rubbish out of your window, that's bad. If everyone stops doing that, we would live in so much better place!
That made me feel uneasy. So uneasy, in fact, that I put on my jacket, went down to the street and beat the shit out of him. Little fucking smartass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6kprd/so_i_was_smoking_while_on_balcony_couldnt_find_an/
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An Aussie farmer is talking to a rancher from Texas....

The Texan says, "Boy, let me give you an idea of just how big my ranch is.
If I get in my truck at daybreak, and I drive all day, by the time the sun sets, I'm still on my land!"
The Aussie sighs, "Yeah, I had a truck like that too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6knpf/an_aussie_farmer_is_talking_to_a_rancher_from/
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Yo mama so fat

We are all sincerely concerned for her health

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6knfh/yo_mama_so_fat/
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I'm sick of people speeding through my residential neighbourhood in their obnoxiously loud tricked-out vehicles

Fucking ambulances

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6khvk/im_sick_of_people_speeding_through_my_residential/
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Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin for 24 hours.

So they called it a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6khlz/scientists_got_bored_of_watching_the_earth_spin/
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A kid asks his mum "Mum? What is dark humour?"

She responds: "see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap."
The kid replies: "but mum, I'm blind!"
Mum: "Exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ket7/a_kid_asks_his_mum_mum_what_is_dark_humour/
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Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6kcco/wife_i_have_a_bag_full_of_used_clothing_id_like/
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Conversation around the water cooler in Chicago....

Boss: I'm headed up to Canada for a week.
Underling: Why, the only things to come from Canada are whores and hockey players!
Boss: I'll have you know my wife is from Canada!
Underling: Really?! What position does she play?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6k8fn/conversation_around_the_water_cooler_in_chicago/
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Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.
(I am truly sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6k5yn/why_do_canadian_women_use_a_hockey_puck_instead/
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Man walks into a bar and sees a bowl full of money on the counter

Man- asks bartender what the bowl of money is for.
Bartender- we have a horse out back, if you can make him laugh you get to take the money.
The man goes out back and shortly after the bartender hears the horse laughing.
The man walks back into the bar, grabs the bowl full of money off the counter and leaves.
A week later the man goes back into the bar and sees another bowl full of money on the counter.
Man- asks the bartender what the bowl of money is for now.
Bartender- if you can make the horse cry, you get to take the money
The man walks out back and shortly after the bartender hears the horse crying.
The man walks back into the bar, grabs the bowl full of money off the counter and goes to leave.
Bartender- Now hold on just a minute. Last week you made the horse laugh, now this week you make him cry. How did you do it?
Man- last week I told him I had a bigger dick than he does, this week I showed him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6k5lg/man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_bowl_full_of/
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A passenger tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up the footpath and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Buddy, don’t ever do that again. You scared the shit out of me!”
The passenger after apologizing, said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “It’s not really your fault, it’s my first day as a cab driver but I have been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6k4oy/a_passenger_tapped_the_taxi_driver_on_the/
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What is an Alzheimer patient's favorite musical group?

The Who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6k3zw/what_is_an_alzheimer_patients_favorite_musical/
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Two trucks crashed on the freeway, one carrying intestines for transplant, and the other carrying various types of chairs.

It was a catastrophic bowel movement. Bits of stool went everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6k3l5/two_trucks_crashed_on_the_freeway_one_carrying/
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A guy walks up to a woman at a bar. He flirts with her and made some small talk but she insists she isn't gonna go home with him

"What if I offer you $1 millon to sleep with me?" He asked
The woman's never had a millon dollars in her life. She stops and considers the offer very seriously.
The guy changes his mind and says
"What if I change my offer to a dollar instead?"
The woman is aghast
"What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"We already figured that out. Now we're just negotiating."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6k0wn/a_guy_walks_up_to_a_woman_at_a_bar_he_flirts_with/
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At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years

I answered:
“Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ju0d/at_an_interview_they_asked_where_i_saw_myself_in/
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What’s a Mexicans favorite sport?

Cross-Country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6js9a/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
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In life when you start to Excel

People start to spreadsheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6jruw/in_life_when_you_start_to_excel/
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Why are the English, better lovers than the Germans?

Because it's only the English that can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6jr8p/why_are_the_english_better_lovers_than_the_germans/
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You know what I find really odd?

Numbers not divisible by 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6jnou/you_know_what_i_find_really_odd/
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A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house..

A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him an ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out.
“Mailman stopped by.” Timmy says.
“The Andersons are getting new furniture” he calls out.
“Jacob got a new bike.”
“Oh look. Kevin’s parents are having sex.” Timmy says.
The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “how do you know they’re having sex?”
Timmy replies “he’s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6jlp4/a_couple_wants_to_have_sex_but_their_8_year_old/
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A redneck, an Italian, and a Frenchman walk into a bar the other day... NSFW

Conversation quickly becomes a pissing contest and the topic of sex is immediately discussed. While sipping on his Lambrusco, the Italian man says "when I'm through pleasing a beautiful woman, I nibble on her ear... and she rises half a foot off the bed!"
The Frenchman scoffs, takes a sip of his Cabernet, and says "well, when I'm done making love the gorgeous ladies, I suck on their toes... And they rise a whole foot off the bed!!"
The redneck laughs, finishes his beer in one gulp "that shit ain't nothin! When I'm through fuckin my ol lady, I wipe my dick on the curtain... And she hits the fucking roof!!!"
*Edit: wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6jjgg/a_redneck_an_italian_and_a_frenchman_walk_into_a/
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A Husband and Wife are in church listening to a very long and drawn out sermon

After quite a bit of time, the wife gets tired and dozes off. The husband notices this and goes to poke her with his finger to wake her up. At the same time, the priest asks a question to the audience.
"Who freed the slaves from Egypt?"
"GOD" Exclaimed the wife to the husband, very irritated at being woken up.
Some time later and the wife once again dozes off. This time the husband goes to wake her up right as the priest asks:
"Who gave their life for our sins?"
"JESUS CHRIST" Snapped the wife, once again irked at being awoken by a jab from the husband.
The sermon continues and, as is no surprise, the wife dozes off once more. Again the husband notices and pokes her to wake her up as the priest asks:
"What did Eve say to Adam after they had their last child?"
"I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME IM GOING TO TAKE IT AND SNAP IT IN HALF"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6jgok/a_husband_and_wife_are_in_church_listening_to_a/
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Thanks for introducing me to minimalism.

It is the least you could do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6jd63/thanks_for_introducing_me_to_minimalism/
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You wanna hear my favourite grammar joke?

Two girls were talking on the phone, making plans for their night. One girl says to the other, "where's the party at?" and the other girls says, "don't end your sentence with a preposition!" So the first girl says, "fine... Where's the party at, Bitch!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6jbpz/you_wanna_hear_my_favourite_grammar_joke/
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A family is getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner.

Little Timmy sees his dad shaving. While shaving his dad cuts himself and says "shit"
Little Timmy "Dad what's shit mean"
Dad "It's just another word for shaving"
Little Timmy heads upstairs and sees his Brother and Sister fighting. His Brother calls his sister a Bitch and his Sister declares he's an Asshole.
Little Timmy asks his Brother "what's a Bitch and an Asshole"
His Brother replies "Bitch is another word for a Sister and Asshole is another word for Brother"
So Timmy heads down to the kitchen to see what mom is up too. She is carving the Turkey for dinner. Upon seeing Timmy she is briefly distracted and cuts herself. At which point she shouts Fuck and runs to the sink to clean her wound.
Timmy "Mom what's fuck mean"
Mom "It means carving a Turkey"
Just then the doorbell rings.
Mom "That must be you're Grandma be a dear and let her in while I finish up the Turkey"
Timmy opens the door "Hi Grandma"
Grandma "Hi Timmy where is everyone"
Timmy "Dads in the bathroom shitting the Bitch and Asshole are upstairs in thier rooms and Moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6jag5/a_family_is_getting_ready_for_thanksgiving_dinner/
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What do robots eat on a diet?

Microchips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6j88a/what_do_robots_eat_on_a_diet/
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How did they separate the men from the boys in the Spartan army?

With a crowbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6j7fp/how_did_they_separate_the_men_from_the_boys_in/
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What did the lady say to the attractive creeper?

Lurkin' good!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6j5su/what_did_the_lady_say_to_the_attractive_creeper/
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Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife left him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6j4vq/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
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Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium "the medical elements"?

Because if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'barium'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6j0s0/why_do_chemists_call_helium_curium_and_barium_the/
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I wish the grass in my backyard was emo

So it would just cut itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6izvd/i_wish_the_grass_in_my_backyard_was_emo/
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A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences...

"In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"
There were a few gasps from the parishioners and several of the children began to giggle.
"I looked up and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me! I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail!"
At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.
The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that, 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."
"Yes, that's true." says the old pilot. "But these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6iquq/a_world_war_ii_spitfire_pilot_is_speaking_in_a/
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I get really annoyed when complete strangers start asking me tons of personal questions.

On another note, my job interview today went terribly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6iqne/i_get_really_annoyed_when_complete_strangers/
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What do you call a chef who knows kung fu?

Jack Kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6inzb/what_do_you_call_a_chef_who_knows_kung_fu/
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My wife has an iron deficiency.

In fact, she’s deficient with most household appliances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ikk9/my_wife_has_an_iron_deficiency/
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Where does all your lost weed go?

The can abyss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ijuy/where_does_all_your_lost_weed_go/
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My wife was disappointed to find out the real reason why my nickname in college was “The Love Machine"

It’s because I sucked at tennis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6iiqo/my_wife_was_disappointed_to_find_out_the_real/
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An oldie, but a goldie.

Little Johnny was leaving class ready to go home one day when his teacher called him over.
“Hi Johnny, by class tomorrow,” The teacher says,”I want you to be able to say your ABC’s.”
“Ok, I’ll try!” Says Johnny.
Johnny gets home and goes to see his Mom,
“Hi Mom, can you tell me what is the first letter of the alphabet is?” He asks.
“Shut up!” Yells his Mom while watching soap operas.
“Ok” He says back.
Next Johnny goes to his Dad.
“Hi Dad, what’s the second letter of the alphabet?”
“Yes, yes, yes!” Screams his Dad excitedly at the football on TV.
Little Johnny then goes to his big sister Kate.
“Kate, what’s the 3rd letter of the alphabet?”
“Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson!” Exclaims Kate while listening to Michael Jackson.
Next he goes to his older brother Nathan.
“Nathan, what’s the fourth letter of the alphabet?”
“In a fast car, in a fast car!” Screams his brother to an action movie.
The next day, Johnny arrives at school. “What’s the first letter of the alphabet?” The teacher asks.
“Shut up!” Yells Johnny.
“Would you like to go to the principals office mister?”
“Yes, yes, yes!”
“Who do you think you are?!?”
“Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson!”
“How are you going to get away with this?!?”
“In a fast car!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ifzx/an_oldie_but_a_goldie/
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What's the difference between a kiwi and an arsehole?

An arsehole doesn't go to a party and make a kiwi of himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ie05/whats_the_difference_between_a_kiwi_and_an/
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Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6icd6/peeing_yourself_in_public_is_like_being_in_love/
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List of top 10.....

Natural numbers
1. 1
2. 2
3. 3
4. 4
5. 5
6. 6
7. 7
8. 8
9. 9
10. 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6hz64/list_of_top_10/
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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers"
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man."
"No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6hxm1/during_his_physical_examination_a_doctor_asked_a/
%
Jokes are just like sex

The dirtier the better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6hxad/jokes_are_just_like_sex/
%
Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith's house.

She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message.
As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened!
Convinced the man must be sticking his foot in the doorway, she reared back to slam it hard enough to teach him a lesson, when he cried, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really should move your cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6huzt/two_church_members_were_going_doortodoor_through/
%
The teacher walked into the classroom

and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did manage to spell it correctly. "Wow!" she said. "Well done. That's quite a mouthful!" The kid replies, "No, you're thinking of a blowjob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6hubu/the_teacher_walked_into_the_classroom/
%
Paddy and Mick go camping...

Paddy and Mick decide to go camping.
They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods.
After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?”
“No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walking some.”
They move deeper into the woods, and after another five hours, Paddy asks again, “This is a nice spot. Shall we set up camp?”
Mick shakes his head. “Nah, just a little further.”
They travel deeper into the woods. After another four hours, and with the sky darkening above them, Paddy asks, “Shall we set up camp and bed down here for the night?”
Mick, tired now, agrees.
The men pitch their tents and build a strong fire.
Paddy, hungry after the long walk, reaches into his bag and withdraws a tin of beans. He reaches back into his bag and notices something odd...
“Oh shit,” Paddy says. “You forgot to bring the tin opener!”
Mick sighs.
“Head back home and fetch it,” says Paddy. “Otherwise we’ll starve out here.”
“You must be kidding! I’m not fetching it,” says Mick. “It’s a bloody long way back, and while I’m gone, YOU’LL EAT MY SANDWICHES!”
“Nonsense!” Paddy shouts. “You’re much faster than me. If you run, you’ll be back before morning!”
Mick eyes Paddy, his voice hardens, “Don’t you dare touch my sandwiches.”
Mick drops his rucksack and slopes off, threading between the trees.
Paddy sits in the quiet forest, his back against a tree.
He waits.
Eight hours pass by. There is no sign of Mick. Paddy’s stomach growls with hunger. He eyes Mick’s rucksack containing the sandwiches, but Paddy decides against it.
A full day passes by. Paddy is starving now, light-headed and growing weak. Still, Paddy does not touch Mick’s sandwiches.
Two days pass by. Paddy is famished, his stomach turning itself in knots, begging for food. Paddy is worried for Mick’s safety. Is he lost? Fallen and injured? Eaten by a bear? Paddy sidelines his darkening thoughts and hunger. He doesn’t touch Mick’s sandwiches.
A full week passes by. Paddy is near death. He has lost 25lbs, and is slumped weakly against the tree, barely able to move. Paddy is resigned to the idea that Mick will not be returning, likely dead.
On the brink of starvation, Paddy reaches over with a weak, trembling hand and grabs Mick’s rucksack. He slips his skeletal hand inside and slowly reveals Mick’s sandwiches.
Paddy unwraps the sandwiches, takes one and brings it to his mouth, when -- Mick jumps from behind a large rock, furious.
“I knew you’d touch my sandwiches! I’M DEFINITELY NOT GOING!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ht1m/paddy_and_mick_go_camping/
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Ordering Blinds Online

I ordered a set of blinds off of the internet. When they were delivered there were 2 Italians standing there. I asked what was going on? They replied "We're your new Venetians"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6hqr4/ordering_blinds_online/
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Avoidable

is what a bullfighter tries to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6hpgl/avoidable/
%
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you could say you are..

Independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6hotj/if_you_put_a_picture_of_yourself_in_a_locket_you/
%
Why do hospitals have air conditioning?

To keep vegetables cool and fresh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6hfc9/why_do_hospitals_have_air_conditioning/
%
Why are my chocolate bar deliveries never on time?

Because they're choco-late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6h9gx/why_are_my_chocolate_bar_deliveries_never_on_time/
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I went to Awkwards school of Bitchcraft and Bigotry

Although my spelling was perfect, they nevertheless ex-spelled me.
Then I got muggled and lost my hearing.
Now I'm scared of Deaf Eaters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6h99z/i_went_to_awkwards_school_of_bitchcraft_and/
%
If my son ever turned out to be gay...

I definitely wouldn't turn my back on him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6h92s/if_my_son_ever_turned_out_to_be_gay/
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Dear people who don't use capital letters.

We're the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6h7p3/dear_people_who_dont_use_capital_letters/
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I have a Polish friend who is an audio engineer.

And a Czech one too. Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6h7e2/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_is_an_audio_engineer/
%
A Titanic 2?

No, that's unthinkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6h72e/a_titanic_2/
%
Four Men Went Golfing Together

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6h5de/four_men_went_golfing_together/
%
How do you tell between a boy ant and a girl ant?

Drop it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's boyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6h0jb/how_do_you_tell_between_a_boy_ant_and_a_girl_ant/
%
What do you call it when someone insults the whole world, and everyone retaliates?

Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6h09k/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_insults_the/
%
"Whatcha doin?"

"Eatin chocolate."
"Where'd you get it?"
"A doggy dropped it."
"Where'd he drop it?"
"Behind the door."
"What's he doing?"
"Making more."
;)
My dad beats me every night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6gz0n/whatcha_doin/
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Girlfriend's Dad: You took my daughter's virginity. What do you have to say for yourself?

Me: Sorry, it won't happen again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6gwlo/girlfriends_dad_you_took_my_daughters_virginity/
%
What does a vegan have in common with a woman who's had gender reassignment surgery?

(Just for u/Nate_Christ) ...and become a man?
They've both been a herbivore....
(Be gentle!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6gvjs/what_does_a_vegan_have_in_common_with_a_woman/
%
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]

Cat: you're one short pal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6go1a/octopus_holding_a_gun_in_each_hand/
%
My Grandma decided to start jogging for her health.

It's been almost 2 years now and nobody knows where she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6g9l2/my_grandma_decided_to_start_jogging_for_her_health/
%
Three Old Men are Sitting on a Park Bench

The first one starts talking about his problems regarding his health.
"Oh my god, I can't tell you how hard it is at my age. Every morning, I wake up at 7 o'clock, I go to the restroom and I try to urinate but no matter what I do, I can't go."
The second one then chimes in:
"You think YOU have it bad? Every morning I wake up at 9 o'clock, I go to the restroom and I try to make a bowel movement, and no matter how hard I strain and push, nothing ever comes out."
And then the third one says:
"You think YOU TWO have it bad? Oh my god. Every morning at 8 o'clock, I take a big piss and a big shit."
The first two old men look at each other in a puzzled manner. They look at him and ask:
"What are YOU complaining for? How could that possibly be bad?"
The third old man explains:
"I don't wake up until 10."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6g8ye/three_old_men_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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What kind of monkey is the biggest coward?

A chim-PANSY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6g7o4/what_kind_of_monkey_is_the_biggest_coward/
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What do you get when cross an owl with an elephant?

A dead owl with a six inch wide hole in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6g2s4/what_do_you_get_when_cross_an_owl_with_an_elephant/
%
How do you draw a tree?

Draw a seed and wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6g2aj/how_do_you_draw_a_tree/
%
How do you make Alabama-style chicken?

Cook it over a dumpster fire and then serve it face down in a pool of its own blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6g1zz/how_do_you_make_alabamastyle_chicken/
%
One day Jeffrey was complaining to his friend...

“My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." Said Jeffrey.
"Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
“You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.”
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.
Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant
It isn’t yours.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6g18o/one_day_jeffrey_was_complaining_to_his_friend/
%
What do you call a basic girl in potato themed lingerie

A Tator-Thot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6g0k4/what_do_you_call_a_basic_girl_in_potato_themed/
%
I'm sorry I took your daughter's virginity.

It won't happen again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6fz25/im_sorry_i_took_your_daughters_virginity/
%
I make synonym rolls

Just like grammar used to make

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6fszn/i_make_synonym_rolls/
%
I’m starting to wonder if my wife will ever get pregnant...

Because at this point it’s semen really unlikely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6fskf/im_starting_to_wonder_if_my_wife_will_ever_get/
%
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?

IT'S SALIVA!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6fr9r/what_did_drfrankenstein_say_when_his_monster_spat/
%
A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle, manages to survive and reach the shore. He crawls out of the water, numb with cold, fumbles with his straps for what seems like an eternity and finally manages to stand up, dressed in civilian clothes but wet to the bone.
He doesn't even care for his mission at this point. He limps along the beach under the chilling wind, shaking, driven by one thought -- get warm. The rest will wait, he'll sort it out assoon as he recovers from this terrible ordeal. He climbs the cliff, almost blind in the dead of night, barely gets up -- and then he sees a distant light!
The light is warm and orange, a speck of amber against the pitch-black sky. The spy rushes towards it, still limping, tumbles down, springs back to his feet and keeps running under the pouring rain -- if only he could get warm! As the light gets closer, the spy realizes it's a window, lit with a tender light. Exhausted, he still darts forward, almost slipping on the wet stones, and he sees a pub, a good old Irish pub, homy and welcoming, but above all -- warm!
He opens the wooden door and walks in, drags himself straight to the fireplace and for a couple of minutes just stands there, reaching out to the fire, soaking up the heat. Only after he's come to his senses a bit, he stumps across to the counter, still trembling, greets the bartender with a weak smile and stutters out:
'Whiskey, please.'
'Dry?'
'Nein, zwei.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6forc/a_team_of_nazi_spies_parachutes_in_britain_during/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6fo85/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
My life is like a vacuum cleaner..

..it sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6fo34/my_life_is_like_a_vacuum_cleaner/
%
This morning a man in the street offered me a sofa and two armchairs.

I said, “My mother told me I’m not allowed to take suites from strangers”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6fhhf/this_morning_a_man_in_the_street_offered_me_a/
%
Why don't people from Alabama like to leave their state?

Because it's their incestral home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6fgtl/why_dont_people_from_alabama_like_to_leave_their/
%
Two eggs get thrown into a pot of boiling water

One goes to the other and says, "It might take me a while to get hard. I just got laid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ffxh/two_eggs_get_thrown_into_a_pot_of_boiling_water/
%
What did one snowman say to the other?

Dude, do you smell carrots?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6fegf/what_did_one_snowman_say_to_the_other/
%
What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Dinosoreass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6f4qw/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
[OC] I am thinking of writing a book, where a rich cat owns a slave who freely makes honey for her, and the slave's tragic tale.

It is called 'The Great Cat's bee'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6f3kf/oc_i_am_thinking_of_writing_a_book_where_a_rich/
%
NSFW What’s worse than having sex with your grandmother?

Knocking your head on the coffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6f3en/nsfw_whats_worse_than_having_sex_with_your/
%
Did you hear about Titanic II gearing up to set sail in 2022?

Good thing we melted all our glaciers in the preparation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6f1cp/did_you_hear_about_titanic_ii_gearing_up_to_set/
%
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course...

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6eyii/a_man_and_a_friend_are_playing_golf_one_day_at/
%
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t understand what was going on

I’d ask “Why is everyone was giving me all these nickels?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ew6w/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_i_didnt/
%
You know what's cool about owning a Chevy?

well, the logo is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6eu5s/you_know_whats_cool_about_owning_a_chevy/
%
My wife fell off a 50 foot ladder today.

Unfortunately she was only on the first step.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6etvv/my_wife_fell_off_a_50_foot_ladder_today/
%
What happens after a cannibal has eaten a librarian?

Reader's Digest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6enw1/what_happens_after_a_cannibal_has_eaten_a/
%
Dolphins and sharks

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me an arm and a leg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6enng/dolphins_and_sharks/
%
Where do weebs watch videos?

uWutube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6enma/where_do_weebs_watch_videos/
%
A mam was taking a road trip one weekend...

...when he noticed his car was running low on gas. So he got off the highway and stopped at a gas station. He was in a hurry to get back to the open road and ended up spilling some gasoline as he pulled the nozzle from his gas tank and put it back on the pump. Without much care, he jumped back in his car and hit the road again.
Finally back to cruising speed, he lit up a cigarette to relax a little bit. Unfortunately for him, some of that gasoline had spilled on his jacket and when he lit the cigarette, the left sleeve of his jacket lit up in flames! In a mad panic, he's batting at the flames trying to put out the fire while swerving down the road!
A police officer sees this and races his cruiser behind the man's car. The man pulls over and jumps out of the car trying to get the jacket off and put out the flames, batting at the left sleeve. The police officer runs over and tackles the man helping to smother the flames and save the man.
Both men get up, panting, and the officer says, " Holy cow, are you okay?"
The man replies, "Thank you. Thank you. Yes, I'm fine now".
The police officer says, "That's good. You're under arrest." And the officer slaps a pair of hand cuffs on the man.
"Why?!?" cries the man.
The officer responds, "Possession of an illegal firearm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6enfc/a_mam_was_taking_a_road_trip_one_weekend/
%
A wealthy businessman sells everything he has and moves to a cottage in the countryside.

He unpacks his things and goes out to the front porch to sit on his rocking chair and soak in the ambiance.
A pickup rolls by.
"Howdy!" says the driver, a toothless bearded man in his fifties.
"Hey!"
"You new round here?"
"Sure am. Just unpacked."
"Say, I'd like to welcome you to town, official-like. I'm having me a party at my place tonight. You should come along."
"Thanks, I'd love to! What time?"
"Seven O'clock. There's gonna be a little drinking, there's gonna be a little fighting, and there's gonna be a little fucking."
"Sounds like my kind of party! what do I wear?"
"That don't matter, it's jus' gon' be you and me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6egpa/a_wealthy_businessman_sells_everything_he_has_and/
%
Who ever invented the concept of zero

Thanks for nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ef4b/who_ever_invented_the_concept_of_zero/
%
Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek...

Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek in the woods and it was Einstein's turn to count, so he covered his eyes and began counting. Pascal decided to run and climb up a tree. Newton, however, stood in front of Einstein. He took a stick and drew a square with a side length of one meter around himself.
When Einstein finished counting, he instantly saw Newton.
"Oh, I've found you, Newton!", he exclaims, to which Newton replies:
"No, what you see is a Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6eelw/newton_einstein_and_pascal_are_playing_hideandseek/
%
They say Harriet Tubman escorted 300 slaves to freedom via the Underground Railroad...

If you do the math, that's only 180 people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ee75/they_say_harriet_tubman_escorted_300_slaves_to/
%
I choose to think outside the box

I'm claustrophobic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ecy7/i_choose_to_think_outside_the_box/
%
One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ea3q/one_ovary_says_to_the_other_ovary_hey_did_you/
%
Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".
Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"
The man, puzzled says, "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
Johnny walks on without response and the old timer continues on the porch. An hour passes and the old man sees little Johnny proudly marching back with a wagon of ducks.
The next day the old man is sitting on the porch and along comes Johnny with a wagon with his piggy bank.
Again he got curious and shouted out to him, "HEY KID!!! WHERE YOU GOING WITH THAT PIGGY BANK?!!!"
Little Johnny says back, "I'm gonna go catch some pigs!"
The old man just shouts, "YOU CAN'T CATCH PIGS WITH A PIGGY BANK!!!"
Again Johnny walks down the road and the man sat on his porch only to be amazed again an hour later with a wagon full of pig.
The next day the old timer is on his porch and sees little Johnny dragging a wagon full of pussy willows.
The old man shouts "HEY KID!!! .... LET ME GET MY COAT!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6e7m5/old_man_is_sitting_on_his_porch_when_he_sees/
%
Why did Jesus go to the other side of the road?

To get a cross

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6e57v/why_did_jesus_go_to_the_other_side_of_the_road/
%
The other night I asked my buddy how many lovers he's had. He started counting and shortly after he just fell asleep.

I still don't know how many but it's more than 15 sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6e37v/the_other_night_i_asked_my_buddy_how_many_lovers/
%
A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"
The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6e224/a_60_year_old_man_was_starting_at_a_17_year_old/
%
I was walking down a pathway between fields when a farmer yelled out to me

Farmer: Can you please help me round up       these 19 sheep?
Me: Sure, you have 20

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6e1b9/i_was_walking_down_a_pathway_between_fields_when/
%
When flat-earth people play basketball they must be like...

"Yo pass me the frisbee bro!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6e0jd/when_flatearth_people_play_basketball_they_must/
%
I've heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord, but you don't really care for music, do you?

Because we all know that the chord was Gsus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6dnbm/ive_heard_there_was_a_secret_chord_that_david/
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Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6dlu4/grandpa_snoops_in_the_medicine_cabinet_and/
%
Why did the transgender person fail computer science?

Because they were non-binary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6dh13/why_did_the_transgender_person_fail_computer/
%
What is the most frustrating thing for a person to be?

A mute vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6dh0t/what_is_the_most_frustrating_thing_for_a_person/
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"Knock knock" "Whos there?" "Dave" "Dave who?"

Dave then broke down and started crying as his mums dementia has gotten so bad she couldnt even recognise her own son...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6d95e/knock_knock_whos_there_dave_dave_who/
%
A teacher asks her students to use the word “beautiful” twice in a sentence...

Little Sandy’s hand shoots into the air immediately.
“Go ahead, Sandy.”
“My mother bought a beautiful new dress, and she looks beautiful when she wears it.”
“Very good, Sandy!”
Sandy beams. At that moment another hand is raised in the back of the room. It’s that of Little Johnny, the teacher’s worst student. The teacher rolls her eyes.
“Yes, Johnny? Do you have a sentence that uses the word beautiful twice?”
“I sure do!” says Johnny.
“Are you positive? I’m near the end of my rope with you. This better be good.”
“I promise it is, Miss.”
“Let’s hear it then.”
“Last night at dinner my sister told my parents that the neighbor’s son got her pregnant, and my daddy said ‘Beautiful! Just fuckin’ beautiful!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6d6sn/a_teacher_asks_her_students_to_use_the_word/
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What’s an epileptic child’s favorite go-to Pizza?

Little Seizures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6d3y2/whats_an_epileptic_childs_favorite_goto_pizza/
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When I'm older.

A young boy is sat on the stairs with his cat and a tube of smarties. As his mum watched, he put a smartie in his mouth, licked his cat then moved down a step.
He then put another smartie in his mouth, licked the cat again and moved down a step.Puzzled, his mum asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm getting some practice in for when I'm older. I'm popping pills, licking pussy and moving on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6d2g4/when_im_older/
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A Lion walks into a bar...

The bartender *obviously* seems frightened by this. The Lion walks up to the side of the bar and pulls up a seat next to a man. This man is dressed like a Lion Tamer, and seems pleased to see the Lion. The Bartender comes over and timidly asks the Lion, “Who are you?”. The man sitting beside the Lion smiles at the Bartender and says, “Don’t worry mate! This is my mane man Leo!”.
-My first-ever original joke :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6d2fp/a_lion_walks_into_a_bar/
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I called in an order of wonton soup, but I guess they misunderstood me.

On an unrelated note, I'm opening a soup kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6czrr/i_called_in_an_order_of_wonton_soup_but_i_guess/
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If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted

I wish I had a pony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6cwil/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_got_distracted/
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A Chinaman goes to see the eye doctor...

After the exam the doctor said, "I know why you're having trouble." The Chinaman says, "why?" Doctor said, "you have a cataract." Chinaman says, "no, I have a Rincoln Continental."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6cwi7/a_chinaman_goes_to_see_the_eye_doctor/
%
In the middle ages a French town was under siege by an army from Marseille.

The general of the invading army sent a message to the besieged defenders, "Surrender, you have nothing to lose, Marseille".
They replied, "We shall not surrender, we have too much, Toulouse".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6cveh/in_the_middle_ages_a_french_town_was_under_siege/
%
A little girl was digging a hole in her back yard and the dad came out and saw her.

Dad: “Hey honey what are you doing?”
Girl: “I’m digging a hole!”
Dad: “I can see that but why?”
Girl: “Cause my fish died. So I’m burying him!”
Dad: “Aw that’s cute! But why is the hole so large”
Girl: “Cause it’s still inside your fucking cat!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ck8i/a_little_girl_was_digging_a_hole_in_her_back_yard/
%
What do gay horses eat?

Haaaayyyy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6cjey/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
%
Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell somebody else that she’s vegan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6cj0g/why_did_the_vegan_cross_the_road/
%
I bought my wife a refrigerator for our anniversary. It's not the best present, but

I can't wait for her face to light up when she opens it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6cisp/i_bought_my_wife_a_refrigerator_for_our/
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I told my sister I wouldn't sleep with her,

but she incested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6cg4l/i_told_my_sister_i_wouldnt_sleep_with_her/
%
A man went to the zoo. All they had to exhibit was a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6cfun/a_man_went_to_the_zoo_all_they_had_to_exhibit_was/
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Mr Bean vs Einstein

Einstein challenges Mr Bean.
He says "If you can't answer my question you'll give me 1$ and if I can't answer yours i'll give you 1000$."
Mr Bean agrees. So Einstein gives him a really hard question where he doesn't know the answer to, so he gives Einstein 1$.
Now it was Mr Beans turn, so he asks "What animal has 4 legs, but only 2 when it crosses a road and 5 when it returns?"
Einstein doesn't know the answer to this and hands Mr Bean 1000$.
Then Einstein asks "What animal were you referring to, Mr Bean?"
Upon which Mr Bean hands over 1$ to Einstein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6cf8v/mr_bean_vs_einstein/
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Two whales in an ocean

One says: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The other says: Steve what the hell was that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6cdgy/two_whales_in_an_ocean/
%
Ever heard of Alexander Hamilton?

Heard he makes bank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6cddg/ever_heard_of_alexander_hamilton/
%
How does the flavour get in beer?

It hops in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6cdb0/how_does_the_flavour_get_in_beer/
%
A man sits next to a mule with a sign that says “$10 to make my mule laugh. Make him laugh and you win $100.

A stranger in town sits on a park bench watches for a while. He sees a line of people try all kinds of crazy things to make the mule laugh. After a bit he walks over and talks to the mules owner. He finds out no one has ever made the mule laugh. He watches a bit longer before he pulls out $10 and hands it over to the owner. The stranger walks over to the mule, whispers in his ear and then stands back. The mule looks a him and then starts to chuckle. The chuckle turns into a laugh and soon the mule is rolling on the ground kicking his legs in his the air.
The owner walks over, hands the stranger $100 and asks, “What’d you say to my mule mister?”  The stranger similes, pockets the money, shakes his head and says he can’t tell what he said before he leaves.
A year later the stranger returns and sees the same man, the same mule, but a different sign. This time the sign says “$20 to make my mule cry. Make him cry and you win $200.”  Again he watches for a while and sees people try all sorts of strange things. After a bit he goes over to the owner again. The owner gives him a wary look but takes his $20. He tells the stranger he can do anything he wants but he can’t physically harm the mule in any way. The stranger asks if he can take the mule behind a nearby shed and promises not to harm the mule. With some reluctance the owner agrees. When the mule sees the stranger, he starts to chuckle and continues to do so as he’s led behind the shed. When he comes back a minute later the stranger is leading a sobbing mule.
The owner walks over wide eyed holding $200. This time the owner refuses to hand over the money until the stranger reveals how he made the mule cry. The stranger hesitates for a few seconds and then shrugs and smiles. “Last year I told your mule I had a bigger cock than he did. He thought that was funny. This time I proved it to him.”
Note: a high schooler told me this joke when I was in jr high. He was my instant hero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6cb9g/a_man_sits_next_to_a_mule_with_a_sign_that_says/
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Yesterday my son explained to me in very simple turns that I am an adult but he isn't

I kid you not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6c97a/yesterday_my_son_explained_to_me_in_very_simple/
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A wife has a nice ring to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6c916/whats_the_difference_between_a_girlfriend_and_a/
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I spent hours last night throwing out all my herbs.

It was such a waste of thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6c8ov/i_spent_hours_last_night_throwing_out_all_my_herbs/
%
Reddit is an inspiration on how to be eco friendly

Considering that 90% of content is recycled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6c1d9/reddit_is_an_inspiration_on_how_to_be_eco_friendly/
%
If you have a friend that can’t put sunscreen on their back and is self conscious about it,

Don’t rub it in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6bzes/if_you_have_a_friend_that_cant_put_sunscreen_on/
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"I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing...

Except at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6bxxs/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_same_thing/
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Why don’t aliens come to our solar system?

They checked our ratings.
One star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6bse3/why_dont_aliens_come_to_our_solar_system/
%
So i painted my computer black...

...in hopes it would run faster but now it doesn’t work...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6bqwq/so_i_painted_my_computer_black/
%
What do you call drama in the LGBT community?

LGBTea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6bpu8/what_do_you_call_drama_in_the_lgbt_community/
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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6bnkr/a_7yearold_is_sitting_on_a_park_bench_eating_a/
%
A cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was

I told him it's between 8am and 1pm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6bjdm/a_cable_repairman_was_on_my_street_and_asked_me/
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I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months

I don’t like to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6b959/i_havent_spoken_to_my_wife_for_eighteen_months/
%
Why can't melons get married abroad?

Because they cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6b3vy/why_cant_melons_get_married_abroad/
%
All man are so noble

We are so noble that when girls are in bikini, they show like 90% of their body, but we still look at the covered parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6b3o8/all_man_are_so_noble/
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What do explaining jokes and autopsies have in common?

They are both about dead things but at least you understand them better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6b2vl/what_do_explaining_jokes_and_autopsies_have_in/
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What do you call it when a holy man busts your balls?

Sackrilegious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6b0ob/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_holy_man_busts_your/
%
What's the biggest difference between Americans and Europeans?

Americans think 100 years is a long time.
Europeans think 100km is a long distance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6awg2/whats_the_biggest_difference_between_americans/
%
Why couldn't Kim-Jong Un get into heaven?

Because he had no Seoul...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6avtk/why_couldnt_kimjong_un_get_into_heaven/
%
A ventriloquist is on stage telling a dumb blonde joke...

...when a platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6au46/a_ventriloquist_is_on_stage_telling_a_dumb_blonde/
%
A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest..

"I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6atam/a_married_man_goes_into_a_confessional_and_says/
%
Geology

rocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6arxe/geology/
%
Trains

HE LOVED DRIVING TRAINS
In fact, it was his passion. Ever since he was a little boy, his dream was to drive trains. Soon after high school, he got an apprenticeship, and a little while later he got his train-driving liscence and started his career. Oh, the joy! He was having the best time of his life, his dream fulfilled. This went on for a while, until he accidentally crashed the train. Several passengers died, and being responsible for those deaths, was tried for mass homicide. He was sentenced to death by electric chair. When the day came, the executioner asked him what he wanted for his last meal. He replied, "Just a banana, nothing more." A little confused the executioner got him his banana, and waited. After the train driver was finished with his banana, the executioner sat him down in the chair, and flipped the switch. Light flashed, electricity went everywhere, and the only lightbulb in the room shattered. After the smoke cleared, to his amazement, the executioner saw that the train driver was in fact still alive. Not one scratch on him. An ancient bohemian law states that anyone who survives execution must be a god, and so shall be set free. So the train driver was let go. A little while later he ended up getting back his train driving licence, and resumed his career. After a while, he crashed the train again, and several people died. He was tried and again sentenced to death by electric chair. When the day came, the executioner asked him what he wanted for his last meal, and he requested a banana. Once he was finished with it, the executioner sat him in the chair and flipped the switch. Lights flashed, electricity went everywhere, and the only lightbulb in the room shattered a second time. After the smoke cleared, to the amazement of the executioner, the train driver was once again unhurt. He got his license back, resumed his career, but he crashed the train a third time. Then he was tried, and sentenced to death by electric chair. For his last meal he asked for a banana, finished  it, and the executioner sat him in the chair, and flipped the switch. Light flashed, electricity went everywhere, and the only light bulb in the room shattered a third time. He was once again not injured. Full of bewilderment, the executioner asked him: "You have survived execution three times. What do the bananas have to do with it?"
To which the train driver replied "Oh, it has nothing do do with the bananas; I'm just a really bad conductor".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6aqeb/trains/
%
What did the mod say to the redditor?

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6aphn/what_did_the_mod_say_to_the_redditor/
%
Girls are like squaring numbers

If they’re less than 13, do ‘em in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6aluv/girls_are_like_squaring_numbers/
%
What did the Gangster say to the duck?

What’s up quacker?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ahht/what_did_the_gangster_say_to_the_duck/
%
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6agc6/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
%
Whose idea was it to show a bunch of naked butts in the new Ghostbusters movie?

Rick Moranis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6ag2r/whose_idea_was_it_to_show_a_bunch_of_naked_butts/
%
How did Jesus get so fit?

Crossfit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6afkr/how_did_jesus_get_so_fit/
%
Therapist: Your wife tells me you never buy her flowers? Is that true?

Me: To be honest, I didn't even know she sold flowers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6adwg/therapist_your_wife_tells_me_you_never_buy_her/
%
I just want to be fucking Happy again...

Forget the other 6 dwarfs. I don't like their attitudes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6acqj/i_just_want_to_be_fucking_happy_again/
%
A city boy spends the summer with his country cousins on a farm....

After a couple weeks the city boy asks his country cousins what they do for sex? The cousins explain they go down to the pig pen after dark and have their way with one of the sows (that is a female pig for you city people).
The city boy says No Way! The cousins tell him it’s really good he should try it. Later that night he goes down to the pig pen and picks out one of the sows. Try as he might he could not do it. The next morning his country cousins asks how it was? City boy says he just couldn’t do it. His cousins ask which one he picked? City boy says the one with the two black spots. The country cousins says, Well no wonder you couldn’t do it you picked the ugliest one in the pen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6acdl/a_city_boy_spends_the_summer_with_his_country/
%
What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6a9y3/whats_the_best_way_to_calm_down_a_knifewielding/
%
Who isn't allowed in the zoo's quiz team?

The Cheetah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6a97i/who_isnt_allowed_in_the_zoos_quiz_team/
%
I didn't really like gardening at first

But then it started to grow on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c69zc9/i_didnt_really_like_gardening_at_first/
%
Why did people get offended by the extremely busy Vietnamese restaurant?

because it was a big Pho Queue to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c69vt8/why_did_people_get_offended_by_the_extremely_busy/
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What do you call a YouTuber who's really satisfied with life?

A content creator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c69uz7/what_do_you_call_a_youtuber_whos_really_satisfied/
%
What's the worst type of weather to hire?

Lightning, it's always on strike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c69kza/whats_the_worst_type_of_weather_to_hire/
%
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?

Because the sauce ages

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c69e4g/why_do_the_hot_dogs_with_ketchup_spoil_early/
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Hickery Dickery Dock

The mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one.
The other got away with minor injuries...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c69aqu/hickery_dickery_dock/
%
Sometimes I talk to myself when I'm alone and it's kinda sad..

Me too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c698c6/sometimes_i_talk_to_myself_when_im_alone_and_its/
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Want to join my flat earth society group?

It has millions of people from all around the globe in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c695tf/want_to_join_my_flat_earth_society_group/
%
So I’m at the doctor’s office....

He says “I’m going to be very frank with you, you’ve got to stop masturbating.” “Why is that, doc?” “Because I’m trying to talk to you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c691uv/so_im_at_the_doctors_office/
%
You know what's funny about anti-jokes?

Me neither.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6905w/you_know_whats_funny_about_antijokes/
%
I gave a zombie a piece of my mind today.

He thought it was delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68y31/i_gave_a_zombie_a_piece_of_my_mind_today/
%
A nun is on a cruise in the Atlantic Ocean...

A nun is on a cruise in the Atlantic Ocean nearing a landmass. Everything was going smooth untill an iceberg hit the ship and everyone was thrown out into the ocean. They started to swim towards the shore, just when someone screamed, "there's a big wave coming right at us! Move fast!"
This caused chaos and panic. The wave closed by when most of them weren't even near the shore. Somehow they survived the impact of the wave and were washed down with it to the shore. On reaching there they found that the nun had swam faster than the wave and was sitting on the beach as if nothing happened.
One of the survivors came forward and asked her, "You seem to be a professional swimmer! You out-swam a wave! What's your secret?"
The nun, with a smile on her face replied, "I am not a professional or anything, it's just that time and tide wait for none".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68wtv/a_nun_is_on_a_cruise_in_the_atlantic_ocean/
%
Jesus turns water into wine, everyone admires him and talks about it for 2000 years..

I turn water into sprite at Chipotle, and everyone calls it stealing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68suc/jesus_turns_water_into_wine_everyone_admires_him/
%
Orions Belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
*Courtesy of my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68sax/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
%
A Frog Walks into A Bank

Patricia (Patty) Mac worked as a loan officer for a bank. One day a frog walks into her office.
“How may I help you” Patricia asked.
The frog replied,  “I would like to take out a $20,000 loan”.
“You, a frog, wants a loan”?
“Yes, please”.
Patty runs his credit report.  “You don’t have any credit. Do you have anything to use as collateral “?
The frog pulls out a beautiful crystal elephant. “Yes. I have this family heirloom and my father is Mick Jagger”.
“Mick Jagger? Of the famous rock band”?
“The one and only”!
“I need to talk to my supervisor first. Give me a moment”.
Patty walks into her supervisor’s office and explains the request and the frog’s collateral and who his father is.
Patty says, “I don’t know what to make of this elephant though”.
The supervisor replies, “ It’s a knick knack, Patty Mac. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68qtd/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank/
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If you've spent ages figuring out how to put herbs and spices on your belt loop...

...you've waisted thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68k5g/if_youve_spent_ages_figuring_out_how_to_put_herbs/
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I have been trying to think of a leech joke lately.

But they all suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68hxz/i_have_been_trying_to_think_of_a_leech_joke_lately/
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I've got no luck with the ladies

One time a girl texted me come on over there's nobody home. I went over and there was nobody home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68gkp/ive_got_no_luck_with_the_ladies/
%
What do you call a cattle breeder?

A beef jerker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68fwd/what_do_you_call_a_cattle_breeder/
%
What did the average University of Alabama student get on their SAT test?

Drool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68exa/what_did_the_average_university_of_alabama/
%
What's the difference between a painkiller addict and an Anglo Saxon?

One overtakes Vicodin and the other overtakes a Viking den

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68e30/whats_the_difference_between_a_painkiller_addict/
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Two chemists walk into a bar

The first one asks for h2o the other chuckles and says I’ll have h2o too
He dies later that night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68dve/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee you racist bastard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68c6s/whats_black_and_never_works/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

AYE MATEY!!!!!!! 😂😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68b53/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher..  I  sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious..
He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained,
'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6854i/paddy_and_mick_were_both_laid_off_so_they_went_to/
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A man stands outside of a toothbrush factory

The owner of the toothbrush factory arrives early in the morning to find a man he has never met standing outside of the front doors.
As he approaches, the stranger sees him and says "Hey misther, I want to shell Toofbruthes for you!"
The factory owner is a little weirded out, but the man continues. "Give me a chance misther, I'd be the best toofbruth salesman you've ever had!"
"I'm sorry, we don't really work like that. We sell our toothbrushes to stores, and they sell them. I don't actually employ toothbrush salesmen, you see. On top of that, I don't mean to be rude, but your lisp might make sales a little difficult for you. If you need work, maybe I can..."
Before he can finish, the stranger cuts him off. "Misther, listen. Give me a chanthe. I promise I will be the greatestht toofbruth salesmen you've ever seen. Misther, you gotta give me a chansthe here."
The owner contemplates it for a moment and decides, 'what the hell'. "Ok pal, fine. I'll give you a case of toothbrushes, that's 2,000. You come back in a month or however long it takes you to sell them, and we can talk."
The owner gets him his toothbrushes and assumes he will never see the stranger again. The next morning however, the man is outside the factory again.
"Misther, I thold every toofbruth. I need more!"
"What? How the hell did you sell 2000 toothbrushes in a day?"
"It was easy misther. I went to the airport and I put out a big table. On the table I put some chips and some dip. People would come up and take a chip, dip it in the dip, and then say, 'mither, this sthuff tastes like sthit!' and I would say, 'it IS sthit lady, want to buy a toofbruth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c68280/a_man_stands_outside_of_a_toothbrush_factory/
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There isn’t that much difference between a numerator and a denominator.

In fact only a thin line separates them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c680to/there_isnt_that_much_difference_between_a/
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Is it normal if

One of my testicles hangs lower than the other two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c67zf8/is_it_normal_if/
%
Inaudible audiobook premium, only from me 9.99$/mo

Variety of inaudible audio books available from me in all known languages

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c67z44/inaudible_audiobook_premium_only_from_me_999mo/
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My doctor just told me, “If you don’t stop drinking and smoking pot, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat.”

It is the best day of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c67y7g/my_doctor_just_told_me_if_you_dont_stop_drinking/
%
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c67xso/i_keep_trying_to_come_up_with_unemployment_jokes/
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Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar...

Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c67ryz/last_night_i_was_banging_a_vegan_who_seemed_kinda/
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What’s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea?

Nobody ever paid to have a Garbanzo Bean on their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c67rr5/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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The Markaveich principle is that the person an idea is named after is not the first to discover it.

This was first thought of by Markaveich in 1842

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c67rmv/the_markaveich_principle_is_that_the_person_an/
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When a girl says she wants to have a guy's babies, no one bats an eye, but when I say I want to give someone my babies-

-I'm suddenly under arrest for human trafficking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c67prr/when_a_girl_says_she_wants_to_have_a_guys_babies/
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I was in this bar in LA, and Kanye West walks in...He looks around and just walks back out.

Oh well. Yeezy come, Yeezy go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c67ljh/i_was_in_this_bar_in_la_and_kanye_west_walks_inhe/
%
WW2 - A german, a japanese and an italian soldier get captured by the Soviets

They are to be interrogated for information by Soviet Intelligence.
The Intelligence officer tells them:
I will take you one by one into the next room and torture you until you are telling me what I want to know.
He starts with the German, takes him from the group cell into the next room. The soldier ist tied onto a chair, then the door closes, blocking the view.
After 30 minutes they both appear again and the German is pushed back into the cell.
"What happened?", The others ask.
"I couldn't stay strong, I love the Reich but the torture was too much, I told them everything I know".
The japanese soldier is next. He is tied onto a chair and the door closes another time.
He and the officer reappear 3 hours later.
"I was ready to die for Japan, but the torture broke me, I am dishonored."
The italian soldier is last. Same procedure as before, tied onto a chair, the door closes.
After nearly 10 hours the clearly desperate officer and the italian soldier come out and return to the cell. The officer insults the italian in russian and then leaves the cell, unbelieveably angry.
The other two are in shock. "What happened, you didn't say anything for 10 hours? How?
" I wanted-a to say-a everything from the start-a, but my hands were tied behind the back! How am-a I supposed to talk like this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c67kyx/ww2_a_german_a_japanese_and_an_italian_soldier/
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My shower head is pansexual

Every naked person he sees turns him on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c679ni/my_shower_head_is_pansexual/
%
A feudal peasant declares that he no longer wants to be a farmer. He wants to tear down his farm an build a nuclear reactor there instead. Further, he says that he fears no punishment from any peasant, soldier, or king.

Another peasant turns to him and asks: "uh, ok, but whattabout cher' noble?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c66xb8/a_feudal_peasant_declares_that_he_no_longer_wants/
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The blood you donated...

Is in someone else's boner.
Let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c66x7i/the_blood_you_donated/
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Husband Pays His Wife 20 bucks every time they have sex...

So I heard this joke today on the joke of the day via a classic rock station called The Fox in Colorado. So shout out to them!  Here we go:
A man and woman have just gotten married and on their wedding night while about to have sex the wife tells her new husband that it will cost him 20 bucks to have sex with her.  The man thinks she's just being cute or kinky and gladly pays her 20 bucks, and they have sex.  The next time they're about to have sex, same thing, she says it will cost 20 bucks to have sex.  Again the man gladly pays it.
So this goes on for a number of years.  Every they're about to have sex, he has to pay 20 bucks.  The man ultimately looks at it like it's cute, and he gets to have sex.  He also feels that since his wife is just a simple housewife, he wants her to have pocket money incase she wants to buy herself something like new clothes or whatever.  And again, he loves having sex with her.  Again this happens for a number of years, and they're now older and have 3 kids together.
One day his wife comes home to find her husband clearly drunk and crying at the kitchen table.  She says "Honey what's wrong?" The man explains to her that unfortunately his law firm downsized and since he's not a partner, they had to let him go.  The man then says "What are we gonna do? We have 3 kids and bills, etc."
His wife tells him not to worry and explains to him that all those times she asked for 20 bucks, well she saved it everytime and put it away for their retirement, and they're now worth 3 million dollars!  The man grabbed her and held her in his arms.  Then he said "Wow if I would've known that's what you were doing, I would've given you all of my business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c66ucv/husband_pays_his_wife_20_bucks_every_time_they/
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I walked in on my son masturbating today

Luckily he's still too young to understand what I was doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c66sm2/i_walked_in_on_my_son_masturbating_today/
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My grandma talking to my mom about her new hearing aid,”its the most expensive one you can buy it,it cost me $5000.” My Mum: ”what kind is it?”

My grandma : “its  4:15 pm darling..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c66mqa/my_grandma_talking_to_my_mom_about_her_new/
%
My mom is throwing a party

Mom: I invited Steve to the party
Me: Which Steve? Cannibal Steve or Steve that can’t spell?
*gets a text*
Steve: I can’t wait to meat your mom tonight
Mom: I’m not sure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c66gcp/my_mom_is_throwing_a_party/
%
Do you know the difference between a man and a bond?

The bond matures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c66acb/do_you_know_the_difference_between_a_man_and_a/
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A limerick from Cape Horn

There once was a man from Cape Horn,
who wished he never was born.
And he wouldn't have been
if his father had seen
that the top of the rubber was torn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c66932/a_limerick_from_cape_horn/
%
Some crazy asshole cut me off while driving to work this morning.

I damned near spilt my cereal all over the book I was reading!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c666i5/some_crazy_asshole_cut_me_off_while_driving_to/
%
Never fight a dinosaur.

You’ll get jurrasskicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6662t/never_fight_a_dinosaur/
%
Today I finally learnt what 'Chronology' means.

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c663a2/today_i_finally_learnt_what_chronology_means/
%
Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?

Cause groups of fish are called schools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6635x/why_do_americans_take_a_gun_while_they_go_fishing/
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What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c66116/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
%
Henry Winkler committed investment fraud

It was a Fonzie scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c65yp8/henry_winkler_committed_investment_fraud/
%
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c65xeh/a_biker_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_down_on_a_bar/
%
I was at a restaurant with my wife when a waitress suddenly screamed, "Does anyone know CPR??"

I shouted, "Even better, I know the whole alphabet!"
Everyone laughed...
Well, everyone except this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c65ses/i_was_at_a_restaurant_with_my_wife_when_a/
%
Joe is looking to buy a motorcycle.

After several days he finally comes across a ten year old Harley. It is in mint condition,shines more then a new one. He asks the seller how he keeps it so nice.
"Simple, every time I go out of the garage, I put Vaseline on the chrome before it rains."
Joe buys the bike and the man hands him a jar of Vaseline as he rides away.
That night Joe and his girlfriend Sue go to her parents house for dinner. Naturally, they take the bike. Just before they enter the house Sue says," I must warn you, my parents don't talk at dinner, in fact the first one to say a word must do all the dishes!"
"No problem," says Joe. shrugging his shoulders.
As they enter the house Joe is amazed.Dishes are piled in the middle of the living room,another pile in the hall,more in the closet.Dirty dishes everywhere!
During dinner nobody says a word. Joe thinks to take advantage of this, leans over and kisses Sue. Her parents say nothing.
He then reaches across and fondles her breasts, nothing. Joe then grabs Sue, rips off her clothes, and screws her right at the table. Sue's father is raging, but not one word is spoken.
Joe looks at Sue's mom. "Nice ass", thinks Joe. He grabs her and bends her over the table and has his way with her. Now Sue is pissed and her father is livid, but nobody says a word.
Suddenly there is a flash of lightning and a loud clap of thunder. Joe realizes he brought the motorcycle, jumps up, reaches into his pocket and pulls out the jar of Vaseline.
"OK, that's enough!" yells Sue's father, "I'll do the fucking dishes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c65ovp/joe_is_looking_to_buy_a_motorcycle/
%
My wife doesn't mind me flirting with other women.

She finds the rejection quite entertaining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c65mfi/my_wife_doesnt_mind_me_flirting_with_other_women/
%
A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter

The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier. The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c65k4j/a_guy_in_a_supermarket_goes_up_to_the_cashier_and/
%
WW2 - A german, a japanese and an italian soldier get captured by the Soviets

The are to be interrogated for information by Soviet Intelligence.
The Intelligence officer tells them:
I will take you one by one into the next room and torture you until you are telling me what I want to know.
He starts with the German, takes him from the group cell into the next room. The soldier ist tied onto a chair, then the door closes, blocking the view.
After 30 minutes they both appear again and the German is pushed back into the cell.
"What happened?", The others ask.
"I couldn't stay strong, I love the Reich but the torture was too much, I told them everything I know".
The japanese soldier is next. He is tied onto a chair and the door closes another time.
He and the officer reappear 3 hours later.
"I was ready to die for Japan, but the torture broke me, I am dishonored."
The italian soldier is last. Same procedure as before, tied onto a chair, the door closes.
After nearly 10 hours the clearly desperate officer and the italian soldier come out and return to the cell. The officer insults the italian in russian and then leaves the cell, unbelieveably angry.
The other two are in shock. "What happened, you didn't say anything for 10 hours? How?
" I wanted-a to say-a everything from the start-a, but my hands were tied behind the back!
How am-a I supposed to talk like this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c65jds/ww2_a_german_a_japanese_and_an_italian_soldier/
%
Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh...
Me: *(scratches head with gun)* Man... I hate when this happens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c65dho/do_you_ever_just_walk_into_a_room_and_forget_what/
%
A man wanted to become a monk

so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every five years."
The man agreed and after the first 5 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Five more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Bed hard!" the man exclaimed.
Five more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c65a05/a_man_wanted_to_become_a_monk/
%
Tinder is like the ocean

Some times you catch fish some times you catch crabs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c659ml/tinder_is_like_the_ocean/
%
Whats the difference between Americans and a yogurt ?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6587k/whats_the_difference_between_americans_and_a/
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How much do circumcision doctors get paid?

Nothing, but they get to keep the tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c657yg/how_much_do_circumcision_doctors_get_paid/
%
I walked in on my kid masturbating today.

It's ok though, he's still too young to know what I was doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c657vc/i_walked_in_on_my_kid_masturbating_today/
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To the guy who invented negative numbers

We owe you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c656lu/to_the_guy_who_invented_negative_numbers/
%
A man sees a woman at the end of the bar....

He decides he is going to talk to her, and asks her name.  She replies, "I just changed my name to Carmen, after the two things I love most in life, cars and men.  What's your name?"
"Funny you should ask," he says,  "I just changed my name too."
"To what?" she replied.
"B.J. Titsn'golf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c655ya/a_man_sees_a_woman_at_the_end_of_the_bar/
%
I keep trying to kill this one baker

But every time I do, he rises from the bread!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c64ymm/i_keep_trying_to_kill_this_one_baker/
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I farted in a room full of hipsters.

They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c64ud2/i_farted_in_a_room_full_of_hipsters/
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My wife said that if this post reaches more than 1000 upvotes she will agree to anal

with her boyfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c64q8q/my_wife_said_that_if_this_post_reaches_more_than/
%
My wife calls me her ‘trophy husband’

but it’s a participation trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c64q24/my_wife_calls_me_her_trophy_husband/
%
Sex on the Job

Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!"
Employee: "*She was just lying there naked!  What else was I supposed to do?"*
Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"
Employee: "*I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!"*
Client: "You're the worst veterinarian of all time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c64ofy/sex_on_the_job/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

Oscillate it’s tits a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c64o0u/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
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What do you call it when a person has a boner in Minecraft?

Erectangle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c64m3z/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_person_has_a_boner_in/
%
Bell curves mean one thing to statisticians

And something completely different to Gaston

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c64ko5/bell_curves_mean_one_thing_to_statisticians/
%
Not many people can tell you about both rock theory and astrophysics ...

But if you ask him nicely, Bryan May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c64em4/not_many_people_can_tell_you_about_both_rock/
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The wife checked her husband's phone...

The wife checked  her husband's phone and found these names:
- The Tender one
- The Amazing one
- Lady of my Dreams
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his Mother. Then she called the second number on which his Sister replied.
When she dialed the third  number, her own phone rang!
She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband, So she gave him her whole month's salary to make up for it...
The husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as
"Lug Nuts Tire and Lube Service”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c648x5/the_wife_checked_her_husbands_phone/
%
Me: Hello, Arnold? T-800, I need your help

Arnold: I’m not a terminator anymore, I’m retired
Me: But my house is filled with cockroaches & rats, please help!!!
Arnold: How‘s that my concern?
Me: If you’re retired doesn’t that make you an exterminator?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c646yr/me_hello_arnold_t800_i_need_your_help/
%
A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.
They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.
At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.
The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.
By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!".
The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!".
The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c642j4/a_lemon_a_potato_and_a_pea_all_had_a_tough_week/
%
The number seven went camping one day.

He packed his things and he was sept for life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c63zwh/the_number_seven_went_camping_one_day/
%
Let me tell you a few jokes about unemployed people

Never mind. They wouldn't work!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c63vlb/let_me_tell_you_a_few_jokes_about_unemployed/
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I joined a march today for the legalization of marijuana. Well, it started off as a march, but after a while...

...it turned into a wander.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c63vef/i_joined_a_march_today_for_the_legalization_of/
%
I met this strange woman at the bar last night and we went back to her place to have sex. Now, I don't know if any of you know what a "screamer" in the bedroom is...

...but she had never been with one before and it really freaked her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c63tyb/i_met_this_strange_woman_at_the_bar_last_night/
%
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c63r04/lpt_for_your_safety_try_not_to_mess_with_asexual/
%
Bin Laden's kid comes sad from school

"Dad i got an F in Geography class"
"Why is that?"
"The teacher asked me what's the tallest building in New York and i said Empire State Building"
Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies
"Let dad handle this one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c63p63/bin_ladens_kid_comes_sad_from_school/
%
Why did the man quit his job at the Viagra factory?

Because he wasn't getting a raise... yeah :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c63o2x/why_did_the_man_quit_his_job_at_the_viagra_factory/
%
What do you call a Spanish child molester?

A Pedrophile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c63m1m/what_do_you_call_a_spanish_child_molester/
%
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party.

So I made her and all her friends clean the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c63h1n/my_daughter_wanted_a_cinderella_themed_birthday/
%
A man proposed to his girlfriend in the gym, unfortunately she said no

It didn't workout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c63euu/a_man_proposed_to_his_girlfriend_in_the_gym/
%
There is more evidence of my existence than of any of the gods.

Yet nobody believes in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c63cp5/there_is_more_evidence_of_my_existence_than_of/
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A blonde drops her dress off at the dry cleaners. "Thank you" said the assistant "come again"

"No" said the blonde "it's toothpaste this time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c634jv/a_blonde_drops_her_dress_off_at_the_dry_cleaners/
%
I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.

However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus:
I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which I drank.
Then I pulled the cork from the second bottle, poured the contents in the sink, except for one glass, which I drank.
Then I pulled the cork off the third bottle, poured one glass, except for the content, which I drank.
Then i pulled the cork out of the fourth sink, poured the bottle in the glass, which I drank.
I then pulled the cork out of the next glass, poured the cork in the bottle and pulled the glass.
After that, I pulled the cork out of the bottle, poured the sink in the bottle and put the cork in the bottle with the glass and pored the whisky on the bottle.
When all the bottles were empty, I had to support the house with one hand while I counted bottles, corks and glasses with the other hand. I got 29, precisely.
To be absolutely sure, I counted once more. This time I got 74 again.
When the house was passing by I counted everything again, and lastly all the houses, bottles and sinks, except for one cork that I poured in the house and drank...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c632mx/i_had_12_bottles_of_whisky_in_my_basement/
%
A dog limps into a saloon, with a bandage around his leg and a mean scowl. He looks around suspiciously. The barman, polishing whiskey glasses, eyes the dog and says ' Evenin' pardner, what happened to you? '

Dog replies 'Sombody shot my paw'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c632kz/a_dog_limps_into_a_saloon_with_a_bandage_around/
%
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3-meter wide frame for our wedding photo.

Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6326y/my_wife_says_that_i_wasted_money_by_ordering_a/
%
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.

**She didn’t know I existed.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c631uw/i_once_fell_in_love_with_a_girl_who_only_knew_4/
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After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt, Turns out she felt the same way.

**So I turned on the air conditioning.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c631my/after_a_long_time_i_told_my_hot_coworker_how_i/
%
Hey baby are you free tonight?

Because I don't have any money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c630da/hey_baby_are_you_free_tonight/
%
The guy who invented predictive text died last night.

**His funfair is next monkey.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c62ydh/the_guy_who_invented_predictive_text_died_last/
%
What do you call a drunk Mockingbird?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c62spu/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_mockingbird/
%
My friend got sick and asked me to call him an ambulance

Apparently yelling at him “you’re an ambulance!” is not sufficient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c62khs/my_friend_got_sick_and_asked_me_to_call_him_an/
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Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c62kfz/teacher_children_please_list_ten_animals_who_live/
%
I was giving my cat a bath for the first time.

She just loved it.It was good for me, it was good for the cat.It gave us some precious time together we desperately needed.Ahh,the look on her cute little face was enough to make a trucker melt.The fur got stuck to my tounge,but other than that it was ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c62j73/i_was_giving_my_cat_a_bath_for_the_first_time/
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to the person that stole my glasses

i'll find you.
i have contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c62hkn/to_the_person_that_stole_my_glasses/
%
Both Spider-Man and Ant-Man got fired from their job.

That really bugs me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c62grt/both_spiderman_and_antman_got_fired_from_their_job/
%
ASMR videos are so boring

They put me to sleep every time I watch them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c62dgj/asmr_videos_are_so_boring/
%
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?

Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c62b8i/which_countrys_capital_has_the_fastestgrowing/
%
If a Stormtrooper offers to give you a ride in his car, you shouldn’t worry about ending up in a car accident

They have a stellar safety record, because they’ve never hit anything since the beginning of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c62b8a/if_a_stormtrooper_offers_to_give_you_a_ride_in/
%
Why don’t cows have feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c61vwa/why_dont_cows_have_feet/
%
Somebody once told me the other day, that you can pull your penis forward almost twenty feet before it breaks off.

That sounds like a stretch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c61ts3/somebody_once_told_me_the_other_day_that_you_can/
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Why do women never have periods in prison?

Because a period doesn't come til the end of a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c61qrc/why_do_women_never_have_periods_in_prison/
%
IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c61p6v/it_security_experts_have_published_a_list_of_the/
%
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.

He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."
I said: “Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c61ozp/a_policeman_stoped_me_today_and_asked_for_my/
%
I really want to know where my dad goes at night.

Because my mom always yells that she's coming, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c61lyv/i_really_want_to_know_where_my_dad_goes_at_night/
%
Why does the new Italian navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the old Italian navy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c61kpp/why_does_the_new_italian_navy_have_glass_bottom/
%
This bully at my school claims he had sex with my mother, and can beat me easily in a fight.

I hate Parent-Teacher Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c61kip/this_bully_at_my_school_claims_he_had_sex_with_my/
%
Password Problems

WINDOWS:   Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER:   boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER:  50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively.
USER:   50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER :  IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS:   Sorry, that password is already in use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c61jds/password_problems/
%
Why did the naked photographer get arrested?

Indecent exposure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c61j0e/why_did_the_naked_photographer_get_arrested/
%
I was going to tell you guys a joke about a broken pencil...

...but it's kinda pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c61fcq/i_was_going_to_tell_you_guys_a_joke_about_a/
%
What do you call a shooting at a Mexican golf course?

Hole in Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c61a1o/what_do_you_call_a_shooting_at_a_mexican_golf/
%
I went into a restaurant the other day

I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?"
She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c6199h/i_went_into_a_restaurant_the_other_day/
%
A Blonde And A Redhead...

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c61608/a_blonde_and_a_redhead/
%
Why is the North Korean dictator so evil?

Because he has no Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c60yed/why_is_the_north_korean_dictator_so_evil/
%
What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive?

Popeye got Pissed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c60b7r/what_happened_when_napoleon_went_to_mount_olive/
%
How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It had better be opened when she brings it to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c60a87/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_open_a_beer/
%
The nurse brought me my newborn baby and said, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it."

I immediately handed it back and told her to bring me the one my wife made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c606b8/the_nurse_brought_me_my_newborn_baby_and_said_im/
%
What's the difference between chickpeas and lentils?

I've never paid $50 to have a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c60132/whats_the_difference_between_chickpeas_and_lentils/
%
Ethyl has lived in a nursing home most of her life and gets around in a wheelchair.

She is a demon in that wheelchair, charging around as fast as she can in corridors and taking corners on one wheel.  Because she is a sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerate her and some will join in the fun.
One day Ethyl was speeding down the corridor when a door opened and Clarence stepped out, arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted "Do you have a license for that thing?" Ethyl rummaged through her pockets and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper. "Okay, on your way". Ethel sped away.
As she took the corner at the TV lounge on one wheel, Harold stepped in front of her, arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted "Do you have insurance for that thing?" Again Ethyl rummaged through her pockets and pulled out a drink coaster. Harold nodded "On your way Ma'am".
As Ethyl nears the final corridor, Craig steps out of his room in front of her, butt naked and holding his dick in his left hand as he gestures her to stop. "Oh, good grief" yells Ethel.
"Not that damn breathalyzer again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c600go/ethyl_has_lived_in_a_nursing_home_most_of_her/
%
Two Black eyes

Old Joe comes into the bar, back from Sunday morning church, with two black eyes. Bartender asks, what happened, how did you get black eyes?
Joe says, I was at the church, and I see this lady in the row front of me, her skirt stuck in the crack of her butt. I figured it must be uncomfortable for her so I reached forward and pulled her skirt out of her butt crack. Next thing I know, she socked me hard in the eye.
Bartender sighs, but asks - what about the second black eye?
Well, says Joe, I figured she probably liked how things were so I reached forward and stuck the skirt back up her butt crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5zzl6/two_black_eyes/
%
A hunter shoots a duck and the duck falls dead on Aboriginal territory.

The Hunter goes to get it, and an Aboriginal man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."
The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.
They go back and forth for some time, and finally the Aboriginal says, "We have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns kicking each other in the nuts, and whoever gives up first, must also give up the duck.
The hunter agrees, and the Aboriginal says he will start because it's their cultural tradition.
He gathers all his strength and kicks the hunter as hard as he can in the scrotum. The hunter falls to the ground, holding his crotch, tears in his eyes, barely able to breathe.
After some time, the hunter gets to his feet and makes his way over to his opponent.
"Okay, my turn" he says.
"Nah" says the other guy, "you can have the duck".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5zzbi/a_hunter_shoots_a_duck_and_the_duck_falls_dead_on/
%
I saw a pirate at the bar, he had a claw for a hand, a peg leg, and an eye patch on.

I saw a pirate at the bar, he had a claw for a hand, a peg leg and an eye patch on.
I asked what misfortune caused the loss of his leg. “A shark bit me leg clean off”
Curiosity piqued, I asked about his hand. “This beheaded fish still had the gall to bite down mighty fierce”
Lastly, I inquired about his eye patch. “Well a bird pooped in me eye.”
“Surely bird poop can’t take out an eye”, I responded.
He replied. “It was me first day with the hook”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5zurl/i_saw_a_pirate_at_the_bar_he_had_a_claw_for_a/
%
"Take off my bra" she said. I quietly complied. "My panties too" she said. I took that off too. Then she said,

" stop wearing my clothes "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5zmvq/take_off_my_bra_she_said_i_quietly_complied_my/
%
A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks.

One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?”
“I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to tell you is a secret, so you mustn’t share this with anyone. Not a SOUL. Don’t tell your father, don’t tell the tortoise down the street, nobody. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” said the chick.
“Well, your brother, he’s adapted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5zl7x/a_mother_galapagos_finch_has_two_chicks/
%
My yoga instructor was really drunk yesterday...

...which put me in an awkward position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5zkir/my_yoga_instructor_was_really_drunk_yesterday/
%
My wife send me a pic of her holding a positive pregnancy test today...

She said “omg, is this positive???!!!”
My heart instantly started beating over 180bpm and i freaked the fuck out.
She didnt respond for 20 minutes.
20 minutes later she texts back “omg im gonna have more work to deal with soon! Yay!!!!”
And im like “omg this cant be happening. How the fuck r u so excited?! We cant have a kid right now!!! Ahhhh!!!”
And she goes “ohhhhhhh....oopsies. My boss left it on her kitchen counter and i found it. Shes gonna have a baby!!! Hehe!”
Shes a nanny.
Thanks for the heart attack.
Fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5zk4j/my_wife_send_me_a_pic_of_her_holding_a_positive/
%
Once lived a man with his mother, who dreamt of buying a car everyday.

But those were hard times. Money was scarce. Jobs weren't easy to get. So, he applied to work as a worker in a dairy factory, coz who doesn't want to have milk, but soon realised with his monthly wages, it'll take him 10 years to save enough money for the car.
Next, he applied in a newspaper company thinking that people would surely read newspapers even during the hard times. Apparently, they do, but still it'll take him about 5 years to save enough money for the car. So he quit.
Next day, as the man was sitting idle, jobless on his porch, a seemingly modern person with clothes quite ahead of his time came up to him and took out a rectangular piece of enlightened metal. Our man was quite astonished with what he saw, but now he knew what to do.
So the next day, he started to chop down every fence post in the neighborhood. Next, he had them replaced with new, fresh wooden fences. But since nobody could figure out the motive of his purpose, he was reported to the police and arrested.
Some days later, his mother came to visit him in the prison. She sobbed and sobbed, and asked him at last, 'Why did you do it, son?'
'Because reposting is the fastest way to get car, ma.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5zdsd/once_lived_a_man_with_his_mother_who_dreamt_of/
%
Why do dwarfs surf in the kitchen

Because there are microwaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5zavx/why_do_dwarfs_surf_in_the_kitchen/
%
Why does snoop carry an umbrella?

For drizzles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5z4ze/why_does_snoop_carry_an_umbrella/
%
There was an elderly man whose efforts to get his young wife pregnant had failed.

So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day with an empty specimen cup.
The doctor asked, "What was the problem?"
The elderly man replied, "Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand..nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
On hearing this the doctor said, "Wait a minute! You mean your wife's friend tried too?"
The elderly man responded, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off that damn cup!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5z47r/there_was_an_elderly_man_whose_efforts_to_get_his/
%
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”

Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!”
Teacher : “Okay what else?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5z115/teacher_alright_who_can_name_a_flammable_material/
%
“That’s an excavator. It’s funny when I call it an eckavator.”

That’s it. It’s my three year old’s favorite joke. He tells it to me every time we pass a construction site and cracks up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5yxjv/thats_an_excavator_its_funny_when_i_call_it_an/
%
Franklin D. Roosevelt had Phobophobia

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ywep/franklin_d_roosevelt_had_phobophobia/
%
Opens box of cereal...

We’ve updated our Privacy Policy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5yvdp/opens_box_of_cereal/
%
I found a snake in my house and flushed him down the toilet...

I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ysdz/i_found_a_snake_in_my_house_and_flushed_him_down/
%
Today a cable repair tech on my street asked me what time it was. I told him between 8 am and 1 pm.

Insert rimshot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ymzo/today_a_cable_repair_tech_on_my_street_asked_me/
%
What is the surgery called when a woman gets a sex change?

Addadictomy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ylsb/what_is_the_surgery_called_when_a_woman_gets_a/
%
Yo mama's so fat...

her wedding music was the jurassic park theme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5y9sr/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
I like pooping in the upstairs bathroom of the company I work for..

Because for once I’m the one causing the shit to roll downhill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5y7l1/i_like_pooping_in_the_upstairs_bathroom_of_the/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5y7bx/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
A wealthy elderly man is on his honeymoon with his much younger bride

As they're about to consummate the marriage, he starts putting on a condom.
"Oh don't be silly" she remarks, "We shouldn't need to use one of those at your age."
"Oh no, it's not for protection" he says, "I just like the smell of burning rubber."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5xt2p/a_wealthy_elderly_man_is_on_his_honeymoon_with/
%
I was going to ask my crush if she knows Radiohead

But I'm a creep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5xqzq/i_was_going_to_ask_my_crush_if_she_knows_radiohead/
%
What do you call 300 rabbits hopping backwards in a row?

A receding hare line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5xpfe/what_do_you_call_300_rabbits_hopping_backwards_in/
%
So what if I don't know what Armageddon means?

It'S nOt tHe eNd oF tHe WoRLd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5xpao/so_what_if_i_dont_know_what_armageddon_means/
%
My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5xosq/my_wife_was_in_labour_and_started_shouting/
%
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." poof.

He disappeared without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5xo0v/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
%
I poured root beer in a square glass

Now I just have beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5xn3f/i_poured_root_beer_in_a_square_glass/
%
How do you plan a space party?

You just planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5xkuu/how_do_you_plan_a_space_party/
%
My grandfather developed cancer when he was a young man.

He’s widely known as the most evil scientist that ever lived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5xgkw/my_grandfather_developed_cancer_when_he_was_a/
%
What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll stay and give these two a lift!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5xfai/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
%
I was browsing thru the Produce aisle

"Are these carrots genetically modified?"
Clerk: No. Why do you ask?
Carrot: Yeah... Why do you ask?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5xeui/i_was_browsing_thru_the_produce_aisle/
%
I knew a blind man who decided Braille wasn't for him.

He just wasn't feeling it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5xdui/i_knew_a_blind_man_who_decided_braille_wasnt_for/
%
(LONG) There was once an old mobster who liked to gamble

And this made man’s heyday was primarily during Prohibition, the days when a man of means could relax with drink and a hand of poker or rummy. Fortunes in ill-gotten gains were won and lost in such places, so it was a surprise to many that the old crook who haunted the craps table had never lost a single game. Speakeasy after speakeasy had kicked him out for what they had assumed be subtle cheating. But the only deviation from the norm during games as far as the old man was concerned was that he had a habit of rubbing a couple of very ancient looking ivory dice hanging on a chain around his time-weathered neck, and shortly thereafter he’d win. But, time goes on, and those who had once gossiped about the strange old man’s dice now gossiped about upon the strange way the old man had died, and what he had willed to his only son. He was left everything, his father’s houses and cars and a thick envelope full of his gambling winnings. None of these mattered to the son until he found the dice and, thinking of his father’s habit, rubbed them and wept. Suddenly, out from the dice came plumes of smoke, and suddenly two tall men, dressed like Ancient Persians, stood where the clouds had been. “WHO HAS AWOKEN US” said the first. “Uh-I’m Salvatore, my father was Carlo...Carlo the Corsican”
“AH, THE SON OF THE ONE WHO CRUELLY KEPT US AND UPON WHOM WE JINN HAVE TAKEN OUR VENGEANCE, HAS SET US FREE.” (Jinn speak in all caps, you see)
They could see however that he was not like his father, so they gave him the customary three wishes, made him wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, even wealthier than his father’s gambling winnings, for the second wish they introduced him to his soulmate so that his money and love could be shared. But when they asked him his third wish he grew sad, and asked the pair why they had ended his father’s life. So they told him the story of how long ago they’d been imprisoned in a set of dice, how the dice had been passed from hand to hand and used for their luck-giving ability for a thousand years. They told him they had relayed the same to his father, who had re-imprisoned them in the dice and capitalized on their magical abilities, until they had influenced his heart as they hung so close to it, causing him one day to drop dead on the spot. “But why’d you have to kill him, you could have just left?”
To this the mighty genie replied: “OUR WAYS MAY SEEM STRANGE TO YOU, O MAN, BUT WE’VE BEEN SPENDING MOST OUR LIVES, LIVING IN THIS GANGSTERS PAIR OF DICE.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5xcxd/long_there_was_once_an_old_mobster_who_liked_to/
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How do the zookeepers wake the animals in the morning?

They set their a-llamas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5x87u/how_do_the_zookeepers_wake_the_animals_in_the/
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Three nuns die and go to heaven at the same time......

....when they arrive they find St Peter at the gate looking concerned.
“I’m afraid we are nearly full, so we are restricting entry to those who can answer my questions correctly”.
The nuns feeling confident say “fire away.”
“Ok, question 1.  Where was Jesus born?”.  Nun #1 steps up and says “Bethlehem”.  “Correct, in you go.” says St Peter.
“Now question 2.  What was the name of the person who built the Arc?”.  Nun #2 shouts out “Noah”.   “Correct in you go” says St. Peter.
“The last question,  what were the first words Eve said when she first saw Adam”.    Nun #3 scratches her head thinking and looking worried she says to St Peter “Hmmm that’s a hard one”.  St Peter replies “Correct in you go.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5x5rj/three_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven_at_the_same_time/
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How do you fix a broken Sousaphone??

With a Tuba glue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5x3fw/how_do_you_fix_a_broken_sousaphone/
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What do statisticians who make mistakes put on their bread?

Margarine of error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5x0rk/what_do_statisticians_who_make_mistakes_put_on/
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I thought a high quality sex doll would help with my erectile dysfunction.

But it turns out good plastic is hard to come by.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5wyp7/i_thought_a_high_quality_sex_doll_would_help_with/
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Daddy, a kid at school called me gay. What does gay mean?

Well, son, gay means happy.
oh. Are you gay, Daddy?
No, son, I'm married with kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5wvfq/daddy_a_kid_at_school_called_me_gay_what_does_gay/
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Just got the job as senior director on Old Macdonald’s farm.

I’m the CIEIO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5wrd9/just_got_the_job_as_senior_director_on_old/
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Thank you for that glass of milk earlier

**Sperm bank employee**: What glass of milk?
**me**: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
**SBE**: OH MY GOD!!
**me**: What?!
#
#
**SBE**: You drank my glass of milk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5wqhc/thank_you_for_that_glass_of_milk_earlier/
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How do you get an elephant in a Safeway shopping cart?

You take the S out of safe and take the F out of way!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5wq32/how_do_you_get_an_elephant_in_a_safeway_shopping/
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I never understood school shooter jokes

Maybe they’re aimed at a younger audience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5wiku/i_never_understood_school_shooter_jokes/
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Whats a pirates LEAST favorite letter?

A copyright infringement notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5whvs/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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Why is the ocean always salty?

Because nobody waves back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5wh9k/why_is_the_ocean_always_salty/
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What do you call a pufferfish/dog hybrid?

A pupperfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5w08k/what_do_you_call_a_pufferfishdog_hybrid/
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Seven men and one woman survived a plane crash...

The plane crashed in the middle of the pacific but they managed to swim to safety on a deserted island.
They explored the island for a bit and found fresh water and plenty of food sources, so they decided to make the best of it and just settle there until they were rescued.
A few months passed and there was no sign that they would ever be rescued. Luckily, by then they had a system going, and everything worked. They'd all share the duties in fishing, hunting, picking fruit, cooking, building, making tools, making fire etc. But something was missing...
The seven men decided to talk to the woman about having sex
The woman also missed having sex, and she was cool about it, so she agreed to have sex with all seven of them, one for each day of the week.
Everyone was happy. The men got to have sex once a week, and the woman had sex every day...
One morning she turned up dead from an unknown cause.
The men decided to just continue with their lives, carry on... shit happens, right?
After a few weeks, they all started to look at each other funny and felt something wasn't right... So they called up a meeting, and after some serious deliberation they decided it was best to go ahead and bury her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5vxxt/seven_men_and_one_woman_survived_a_plane_crash/
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After years of waiting, they finally published a book on how clocks work.

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5vv60/after_years_of_waiting_they_finally_published_a/
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Heard this some 30-years ago in the Navy...

An Air Force General, Marine General, Army General and a Navy Admiral have a bet on which service has the most balls…
The Marine general grunts, “I’ll solve this right now!” calls for a company of Marines, pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it in the middle shouting, “Grenade!” One Marine dives on the grenade, blowing himself to bits but saving the company. The Marine General turns to the other three and exclaims, “now that’s balls!!!”
The Air Force General decides to be a bit flashy and grabs an Airman Basic, walks him to the center of a runway and calls him to attention. He then jumps in a fighter jet, takes off, does a few mind-blowing stunts and finally comes down the runway and takes off the Airman’s head with the wing, who stands at attention the whole time. He lands the plane, goes back to the other three and says, “now that’s balls!”
The Army General says, “oh, were using equipment now?” grabs a Private, calls him to attention and then jumps in a tank. He starts it up and rolls right over the Private who stays at attention the whole time. He parks the tank, goes back to the other three and says, “now that’s balls!”
The Navy Admiral sees that his work is cut out for him, he looks around and spots a Seaman Recruit way up high on the deck of a berthed aircraft carrier. He shouts up, “Hey, Seaman Recruit… JUMP!” The Seaman Recruit looks down, flips off the Admiral and shouts back, “FUCK YOU!!!”
“Now that’s balls….”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5vu0o/heard_this_some_30years_ago_in_the_navy/
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3 little people were gathered around a Guinness World Record book, and they all wanted in.

The first looked at his hands and said "I have small hands! I bet I can get in with these guys!"
The second looked at her feet saying "hey, I have small feet! I bet I can get in for the smallest feet!"
The third looked at (you probably guessed it) his penis, saying "okay... I'm a shoe-in for this one."
They went to the Guinness World records headquarters to contend for their records.
The first one came back happy, saying "I did it I did it! I got in the book for smallest hands!"
The second little person came back happy, saying "I did it I did it! I got in the world record book for the smallest feet!"
The third came back sad and with his head down. The two other ones asked what was wrong.
The third slowly raised his head and replied
"Who the f\*ck is Donald Trump?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5vo4a/3_little_people_were_gathered_around_a_guinness/
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Did you hear about the guy who lost the entire left side of his body in an accident?

… don’t worry…..he’s all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5vlot/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_lost_the_entire/
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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months

I don't like to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5vl8e/i_havent_spoken_to_my_wife_for_18_months/
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What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Halfway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5vg2h/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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A man walks into a bar...

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5vc7q/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers.

While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.
The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5vbzv/a_sports_medicine_physician_went_to_wrestlemania/
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A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”

She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.”
The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!”
Mom: “Exactly.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5v543/a_kid_asks_his_mom_mom_what_is_dark_humor/
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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel.

On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'... she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5uxyo/a_nun_and_a_priest_were_crossing_the_sahara/
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Accidental racism

A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says: "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!"
His mother smacks him and says: "Go to your Daddy and say what you just said!"
The boy finds his father and says: "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!"
His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says: "Now what do you have to say about yourself?"
The boy replies in crying: "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ux2y/accidental_racism/
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A Rabbi, Priest and a Monk

Are discussing how they will divide their respective churches funds with God.
The Monk draws a circle on the ground and says “I will throw all the money in the air and what lands inside the circle I will give to God and what lands outside my monastery will keep”.
The Priest said, “Great idea, I will do the same but my church will keep what lands inside and will give God what lands outside the circle”.
The Rabbi also likes this idea and says “I too will throw the money in the air and how much God wants HE KEEPS”
Edited as per some good advise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5upbh/a_rabbi_priest_and_a_monk/
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Why did the sperm say "arr"?

Because they're semen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5uode/why_did_the_sperm_say_arr/
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I don‘t vaccinate my kids!

I am a proud mother of 4 unvaccinated kids!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5uf2a/i_dont_vaccinate_my_kids/
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What medicine is praised for being a murderer?

A pain killer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ubo9/what_medicine_is_praised_for_being_a_murderer/
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"What all do I need to travel to Europe?" A young woman asked a Travel Agent.

"Basically, a Passport and Visa."
"The Passport isn't a problem but do you think they'll take Master Card?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5u0tk/what_all_do_i_need_to_travel_to_europe_a_young/
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A girl asked me how big my penis is.

I told her we should skip the small talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5tzs9/a_girl_asked_me_how_big_my_penis_is/
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A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.
"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."
The man, horrified at the prospect of never having sex again agrees to the procedure.
Months later, the man is on his first date after the operation and is a bit nervous sitting across from the beautiful woman at a fancy restaurant. Just then he feels a tingling, foreign sensation between his legs and realizes his penis is bursting to get out his zipper hole. The pressure becomes too great and the man undoes his zipper.
Just then, his penis reaches up to the table, grabs bread from the basket and disappears back into his pants.
The woman's eyes go wide as she looks at the man, whose eyes are also very wide with a stunned look on his face.
"Uh...could you do that again?" asks the woman.
"I...I think so..." the man says slowly. "But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5tzeo/a_man_is_told_by_his_doctor_that_hell_never_again/
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Don't objectify women.

This sentence is a joke cause women here is the object of the sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5txlk/dont_objectify_women/
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Queen : Come to bed

King : Not until i have a name for my army
Queen : K night
King : Babe your a genius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ts9c/queen_come_to_bed/
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A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!” A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5tpxv/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
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In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream.  In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin.  Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:
"Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need.  How should I lead it to greater prosperity?"
The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin.  He steps forward, and says to Putin:
"Here are the two things that you must do.  First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot.  Second, paint the outside of the Kremlin blue."
Putin looks back at Stalin, incredulously.  "Blue?!  Why would I paint the Kremlin blue?"
Stalin cracks a smile, and then howls with laughter.  Turning towards the rest of the men, he proudly proclaims, "See?  I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5to99/in_the_year_2000_putin_was_elected_president_of/
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Two vampire bats are very hungry

Two very hungry vampire bats are hanging as they would, upside down, and are talking about the lack of animals in their surrounding to feed from. They have been going for days in search for a victim for them to get their nourishment to no avail.
Bat 1: "I am going out again, I am starving"
Bat 2: "I have lost any hopes my friend, I will stay here and wish you good luck"
Bat 1: "We have to keep trying"
And with that he takes off and flies out. Shortly after, he returns with a mouth full of blood, dripping even as if he couldn't have enough, and as he hangs next to his friend:
Bat 2: "Woah! Where did you get so much blood and so quick?!"
Bat 1: "Do you see that wall over there" he points at the exit of the cave.
Bat 2: "Ummm" he strains his eyes "yes! I do!" He responds eagerly
Bat 1: "Yeah I didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5tl6v/two_vampire_bats_are_very_hungry/
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Joke my 8 year old son made up. Where do viruses come from?

Germany

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5tjxz/joke_my_8_year_old_son_made_up_where_do_viruses/
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Why were the workers so bad at making houses?

They couldn't take constructive criticism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5tjrw/why_were_the_workers_so_bad_at_making_houses/
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The killing of Julius Caesar is a perfect example of group project. 60 dudes agreed to kill Caesar

But there were only 23 stab wounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5thl6/the_killing_of_julius_caesar_is_a_perfect_example/
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Punched someone in the face dressed as the Duracell Bunny

Got charged with battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5tbpo/punched_someone_in_the_face_dressed_as_the/
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What do you call a fat physic

A four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5syvq/what_do_you_call_a_fat_physic/
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Did you hear that they're making a Broadway production based off the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5syld/did_you_hear_that_theyre_making_a_broadway/
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What do you call a cowboy with an erection?

Woody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5svfk/what_do_you_call_a_cowboy_with_an_erection/
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We should've known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5srpo/we_shouldve_known_communism_would_fail/
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A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.

"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5spz3/a_teacher_asked_her_students_to_use_the_word/
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There are 10 types of people

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5spbg/there_are_10_types_of_people/
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A woman walks into a pet store.

After her two daughters moved out some months ago, she thought of having a pet around the house.
As she looks around the store, she finds a parrot sitting on a perch. Attached to the perch is a sign that says: "Special offer! Talking parrot, only 10$".
Wondering about the low price she asks the cashier about it.
The cashier replies: "The parrot once lived in a brothel until police busted it. It was some kind of entertainment at the bar as it knows some crude language."
After short thinking the woman says: "I take the parrot. I'm sure I can break it of this behavior."
The woman arrives at home and puts the parrot in the living room. The parrot takes a look around, beats it's wings and squawks: "Woohoo, nice! Finally a new whorehouse and a new madam!"
The woman is slightly irritated at first but then laughs it off.
Shortly after, the two daughters come for a visit. Before the woman can tell the daughters about the parrot, it spots them and squawks: "Nice, new whorehouse, new madam and new hookers! C'mon girls, let the fun begin!"
The daughters are also irritated, but let it go as the woman explains the background. The parrot continues with some crude remarks every so often until the woman's husband comes home. The parrot looks at him top-down and squawks: "Hi, John, long time no see!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5sofx/a_woman_walks_into_a_pet_store/
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I must be a credit card

Since I’m always been used or denied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5so8i/i_must_be_a_credit_card/
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I am offended

By how easily people get offended these days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5sj74/i_am_offended/
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(OC) An Irishman

goes to the pub every evening to drink a few pints with his mates.  One day he sits down and orders four glasses of champagne for everyone.
Barney wonders why so he asks, “Paddy, why the champagne? What are we celebratin’?”
“Nothing,” answers Paddy, “‘tis not a celebration, ‘‘tis medicinal.”
“Go on,” says Barney, “what’s medicinal about champagne?”
“Well,” answers Paddy, “I went to see me doctor about me sore shoulder and he said that two or three rounds of Fizzy O’Therapy should clear it up, so I ordered four just to be sure.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5sj6b/oc_an_irishman/
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What does a gangster on an island say when they see a non-electric car?

Madagascar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5sglx/what_does_a_gangster_on_an_island_say_when_they/
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Why is it called a Wonder Bra?

When she takes it off, you wonder where the tits went.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5sg29/why_is_it_called_a_wonder_bra/
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Today, I said to myself... "George, from now on, you're on a diet!"

... thank god my name isn't George....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5sa8z/today_i_said_to_myself_george_from_now_on_youre/
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Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5s9nu/why_does_the_norwegian_navy_put_barcodes_on_the/
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I have a friend who lives near Chernobyl and he watched the movie about it.

He counted 9 inaccuracies on one hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5s9id/i_have_a_friend_who_lives_near_chernobyl_and_he/
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My wife asked me to take her to one of those fancy restaurants where they prepare the meal in front of you. So I took her to Subway....

We're signing the divorce papers right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5s718/my_wife_asked_me_to_take_her_to_one_of_those/
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Got into an argument with a German guy at the bar

He angrily slams down his beer and asks "How many World Cups have you Americans won?"
I sneer under my breath and say"How many World Wars have you guys  won"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5s1z7/got_into_an_argument_with_a_german_guy_at_the_bar/
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What’s the difference between Jack Daniels and General Custer?

General Custer stopped killing Indians 140 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5rw1x/whats_the_difference_between_jack_daniels_and/
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Who plays the music in Mordor?

The ORChestra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5rvsb/who_plays_the_music_in_mordor/
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

Idk, but the flags a big plus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5rt0x/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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How many police officers does take to break an egg?

None. It fell down the stairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5rskn/how_many_police_officers_does_take_to_break_an_egg/
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Told my wife I wanted to be cremated...

She scheduled it for next Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5rrv6/told_my_wife_i_wanted_to_be_cremated/
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About to start selling glass coffins. Will they get popular?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5rm6b/about_to_start_selling_glass_coffins_will_they/
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God tells Jesus that he's also the Jews' God.

Jesus: No way!
God: Yaweh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5rlmm/god_tells_jesus_that_hes_also_the_jews_god/
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I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike

I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ribe/i_went_to_the_liquor_store_yesterday_on_my_bike/
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I went to the hunting store to buy some camouflage clothing...

But I didn't see anything that I liked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5rdur/i_went_to_the_hunting_store_to_buy_some/
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I'm in desparate need of an alcoholic drink.

Well, I don't really need to worry, then; I've just come to the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5rdq0/im_in_desparate_need_of_an_alcoholic_drink/
%
What's forest gumps password?

1forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5rdl1/whats_forest_gumps_password/
%
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes.
So he calles emergency services and says
"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"
"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"
"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5rc6h/a_man_is_walking_in_the_woods_when_he_finds_a/
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I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5r9ep/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_for_my_number/
%
I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant

They changed my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5r54x/i_went_to_the_doctors_wanting_a_brain_transplant/
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When my wife wanted me to stop singing stayin’ alive I just laughed in her face

Ah, ha, ha, ha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5r4es/when_my_wife_wanted_me_to_stop_singing_stayin/
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I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States

and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5r45t/i_just_found_out_there_is_over_1_million_battered/
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How do psychoanalysts greet each other?

“You’re fine. How am I?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5r2a8/how_do_psychoanalysts_greet_each_other/
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A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick."
As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!"
and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what has probably been making her sick."
The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5r192/a_young_doctor_moved_out_to_a_small_community_to/
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Brrrrrrr!

**Knock! Knock!**
**Who’s there?**
**Scold.**
**Scold who?**
**Scold outside, let me in! :')**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5qxtr/brrrrrrr/
%
What disease is rampaging Canada?

Hepatitis Eh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5qw59/what_disease_is_rampaging_canada/
%
My wife is like a fat vegan

I can't prove it, but she's probably cheating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5qvdc/my_wife_is_like_a_fat_vegan/
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I’m using Excel and told the boss that I’ve been Ctrl+F’ing all day.

She asked me if that was a polite way of swearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5qvak/im_using_excel_and_told_the_boss_that_ive_been/
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A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral.

A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5qucw/a_famous_heart_surgeon_died_and_everyone_was/
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An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...

A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”
The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.
“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”
The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...
A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice...
“Bajaysus that’s right” said the father, “I am farty two!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5qu1m/an_irishman_and_his_son_went_to_the_zoo/
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I'm so selfish...

I buy ribbed condoms and wear them inside out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5qt4i/im_so_selfish/
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Ever heard of the restaurant called karma?

There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5qoed/ever_heard_of_the_restaurant_called_karma/
%
A man goes to an auto shop for a $60 oil change

Before he's about to leave, 3 men enter and hand him another bill, confused and slightly angered, he asks the manager who those people were, the manager then replies, "They're surprise mechanics and they're quite ethical"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5qiu4/a_man_goes_to_an_auto_shop_for_a_60_oil_change/
%
A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.
"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.
Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?"
"Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy."
"I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?"
"We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs."
"Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?"
"Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5qhvi/a_husband_and_wife_who_travel_with_the_circus_go/
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nobody :

Somebody : ONCE TOLD ME

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5qhnd/nobody/
%
Please help me find my lost horse, Black Beauty.

The horse was last seen near the white fence I was repainting.
Side note, is anyone missing a zebra?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5qf3g/please_help_me_find_my_lost_horse_black_beauty/
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Two parents wanted to make love

,but the children were still awake, so the mother said :who will sleep early today will get 100$,............................... ..........................................................................................................................................................................................
The father slept the first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5q9qn/two_parents_wanted_to_make_love/
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What does a billionaire covered in piss tells his plumber ?

It's NOT what i meant when i asked for a golden shower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5q90h/what_does_a_billionaire_covered_in_piss_tells_his/
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What is Donald Trump and Ted Nugent’s favorite sports team?

The Dodgers.
(Low, low hanging fruit. My sincerest apologies.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5q8mo/what_is_donald_trump_and_ted_nugents_favorite/
%
A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.

Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree.
"What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel.
"I want to eat some cherries."
"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here."
"It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5q5y0/a_squirrel_was_sitting_on_the_branch_of_a_tree/
%
First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"
I shouted back "DANKE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5q10q/first_visit_to_america_as_german_guy/
%
50 fun things to do in an elevator

1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the accordion.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5q08z/50_fun_things_to_do_in_an_elevator/
%
For those of you wondering what it’s like to be in a relationship.

I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5pzu7/for_those_of_you_wondering_what_its_like_to_be_in/
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Why did the Australian get kicked out the toy store?

For throwing shrimp on the Barbie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5pzm1/why_did_the_australian_get_kicked_out_the_toy/
%
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5pxxa/roger_85_married_jenny_a_lovely_25_year_old/
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What’s the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani Elementary school?

I don’t know, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5pwni/whats_the_difference_between_a_taliban_outpost/
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What gun does a military chef use?

A salt rifle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5pwi9/what_gun_does_a_military_chef_use/
%
[NFSW] 2 dudes were chatting on the phone

The first one types
"DUDE I WAS WATCHING PORN AND MY GF ENTERED THROUGH THE DOOR"
The second one asks
"What is the problem?"
The first one responds
"SHE ENTERED THROUGH THE DOOR IN THE VIDEO"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ptcz/nfsw_2_dudes_were_chatting_on_the_phone/
%
A man dies wearing, a succulent black suit, and his body is taken to a morgue...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. "Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5pbju/a_man_dies_wearing_a_succulent_black_suit_and_his/
%
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A baBOOM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5pbh6/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_in_a_mine_field/
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Father Jokes

Joe: What does your father do for a living?
Jack: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Jack: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5p7g8/father_jokes/
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What’s the difference between a plumber and the police?

You call one when shit is going down, and you call the other when it isn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5p6qw/whats_the_difference_between_a_plumber_and_the/
%
My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti.

>**You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5p6h1/my_wife_told_me_i_was_a_fool_to_build_a_car_out/
%
My girlfriend left me because I wouldn’t stop singing Linkin Park songs.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5p5so/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_i_wouldnt_stop/
%
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta

Now it's a Ford Focus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5p5ae/i_left_my_adderall_in_my_ford_fiesta/
%
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper sprayed by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5oy35/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
%
The lesbian couple across the hall got me a new Rolex for Christmas.

I think they misunderstood when I told them I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ox4q/the_lesbian_couple_across_the_hall_got_me_a_new/
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A mother-in-law

stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ouwd/a_motherinlaw/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

........ I put wrong socks on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5or9j/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
Mental illness isn't real

it's all in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5oqo7/mental_illness_isnt_real/
%
Maria, a staunch Catholic woman got married and had 15 kids with her husband

Sadly, he passed away sometime later. Maria then married another man and had 15 children with him as well. Soon after, her second husband also passed away and eventually, Maria passed away
2 days later, it's Maria's funeral and the Priest says"Finally. They are together". Maria's sister, amidst  the crowd, is confused and says "Excuse me, Father. When you say 'they' are together, do you mean Maria and her first husband or Maria and her second husband"
The Priest shrugs and says "I was talking about her legs".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ooyj/maria_a_staunch_catholic_woman_got_married_and/
%
An old lady was on the deck of a cruise ship, when a strong wind blew up

Without thinking, she grabbed her hat with both hands, to stop it blowing away. A steward rushed up to her, saying "madam, the wind has blown your dress up too, and you're not wearing any underwear! Everyone can see your private parts!".
The old lady replied "anything down there is 72 years old, but I only bought this hat yesterday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5omny/an_old_lady_was_on_the_deck_of_a_cruise_ship_when/
%
Husband was standing on the scale, holding his stomach in.

Wife - I don't think that is going to help.
Man - Sure it does. How else could I see the numbers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5oiuy/husband_was_standing_on_the_scale_holding_his/
%
Genders are like the Twin Towers.

There used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5oh4c/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Porsche.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ogbk/my_boss_arrived_at_work_in_a_brandnew_porsche/
%
I tell my wife to buy good quality products but she always gets cheap junk.

The only thing in our house that doesn't suck is the vacuum cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5odep/i_tell_my_wife_to_buy_good_quality_products_but/
%
What do the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons. Snarf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5o8az/what_do_the_uss_enterprise_and_toilet_paper_have/
%
is it crazy how saying sentences backwards...

creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5o1k8/is_it_crazy_how_saying_sentences_backwards/
%
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.
“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5nzri/david_hasselhoff_walked_into_a_bar_and_ordered_a/
%
A guy proposed to a woman in the gym but she said no :(

Well that didn't workout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5nzh3/a_guy_proposed_to_a_woman_in_the_gym_but_she_said/
%
What’s a robots favourite food?

Computer chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5nroa/whats_a_robots_favourite_food/
%
How many logically sound blondes does it take to change the lightbulb?

yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5nqzy/how_many_logically_sound_blondes_does_it_take_to/
%
A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?"
"Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you want. Well, today I did it, and they fired me because of it".
The wife hurried over to check what damage he caused. "Well it all looks fine, doesn't seem like you hurt yourself. But what happened to the pickle slicer?"
The man replied: "they fired her too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5nnm1/a_man_worked_his_whole_life_at_the_pickle_factory/
%
What do you call an icicle that keeps giving you quizzes?

A testicle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5nlgo/what_do_you_call_an_icicle_that_keeps_giving_you/
%
from a boy to a man

An oldie but a goodie. Post this one
A 16 year old boy goes to his dad and says, “dad I think I’m a man I’m 16 years old, I can drive a car now and I think it’s time I got some pussy” his father replies “son you’re not a man yet you need to go fuck that knothole in that tree until you think you’ve become a man and come let me know.”. The boy goes out day after day to that knothole and comes back to his father at 17 and says “Now dad it’s been a year of fucking that old knothole I think I’m ready for the real thing now.” His father replies son you’re still not ready you need to go fuck that knothole some more, comeback to me when something has changed.”. The boy again goes out day after day and comes in on his 18th birthday and says “DAMNIT DAD, I’ve been at that knothole for two years I can drive, I can go to war, I work, I want some fucking pussy!!” His father smiles and looks to the boy and says “Boy I think you’re right, you seem like you’re ready let’s go.” So the father takes his son out to the best brothel he can find and tells the madam “this is my boy, he’s a man today, go get him the best girl you’ve got.” So the madam goes about her job gets the boy his girl and takes them upstairs to their room, a few moments later the father and the madam are taking and they hear some awful banging noises, screaming, moaning and groaning they both run up the stairs and bust in the room and there is the mans son with a broom in his hands trying to use it on the woman, so dad says to his boy “SON!! What on earth are you doing to that poor girl?!.” To which the boy says “I’m trying to check for squirrels!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ngi4/from_a_boy_to_a_man/
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Dali llama walked into a pizza shop and said......

Can you make me one with everything?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ndtj/dali_llama_walked_into_a_pizza_shop_and_said/
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Why do native Americans hate the month of April?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers, and Mayflowers bring fucking white people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5nbty/why_do_native_americans_hate_the_month_of_april/
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What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5nbly/what_do_you_call_an_italian_with_a_rubber_toe/
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Why did the people kill the virgin Mary's sister?

Because she was the Aunty Christ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5nbb3/why_did_the_people_kill_the_virgin_marys_sister/
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Two men wait for an elevator... (NSFW)

So two men are standing in front of an elevator waiting for it to arrive. One man is a very skinny fellow standing at barely 5 foot 5 and maybe on a good day could manage to come to 90 pounds soaking wet. The other man is a colossus of a human being that looks like he runs out of weights to put on at the gym and that he could tear entire phone books in half. The large man notices the scrawny one staring at him to which he turns to him and says “6 foot 3, 270 pounds, 40 pound right testicle, 40 point left testicle, 15 inch unit, Turner Brown.” After hearing this the scrawny man instantly faints. As he slowly wakes he sees the large man helping him and asks him “what happened, why did you faint? All I did was tell you what I tell everyone else when they see me and that’s that I’m 6 foot 3, 270 pounds with a 40 point right testicle and a 40 pound left testicle along with a 15 inch unit and that my name is Turner Brown.” After hearing this the skinny man looks relieved and says “oh thank god, I got the first part but at the end I thought you said turn around.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5n8hx/two_men_wait_for_an_elevator_nsfw/
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A young man arrives in town looking for work

He goes to door to door asking if anyone has odd job that will pay for his travel to the next town
After getting turned down he finally arrive at a large house where the owner say "well I've got a few jobs that need doing but you probably will say no."
The young man says "try me"
so the owner says "ok. First job is worth $50 I need you to scrape all the leaves from my gutters. The second job is I have a very large angry Rottweiler in the back yard who bites anyone who goes near him. He needs his nails clipped for $100. The third job is a bit out there... I have a disabled adult daughter upstairs & she never known the touch of a man & it driving her & me crazy. I'll pay $200 for you to make love to her."
The young man agrees to do all three & sets about going to work. The owner hears him scraping the gutters at first & then a large commotion, barking, screaming & howling from the back yard.
After a while the young man come inside the house covered in blood & scratches & says "Ok boss. First two jobs are done. Now which room will I find this lady who need her nails clipped?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5n3rt/a_young_man_arrives_in_town_looking_for_work/
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Why do laxatives have a best before date?

If they go off, what's the worst that can happen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5n2pr/why_do_laxatives_have_a_best_before_date/
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My ex still misses me...

... But now her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5n04j/my_ex_still_misses_me/
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Rapunzel is not a fairy tale

It's a hairy tale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mzsi/rapunzel_is_not_a_fairy_tale/
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I’m really happy after my prostate exam...

....My doctor gave me the thumbs up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mz0u/im_really_happy_after_my_prostate_exam/
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Screaming Waitress

I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.” Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mxv5/screaming_waitress/
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For years I was searching for...

For years I was searching for the music of a korean show called 'Rep'. I searched all my life for that music. A good part of my life was attached to thaf show. But I cant find it. I lost all my hopes in it.
Now when I am near my death bed, some months ago I get used to reddit. What a womderful place it is. Soo many subreddits. I scrolled for days and days but never got bored. Then I came to know that we can ask about many things you want to find.
The first thing that clicked my mind was that show. So I made a post asking about Where can I find the OST of that show. I got many answers like YT, Spotify but I had searched every place and that music was nowhere. I was desperate to find that music as I know my days are near.
Then after many moons, I got a notification on that post. With a surprise I read that comment. It was of a girl. That comment told me to search for that music on r/Jokes. I was amazed. Why on earth r/Jokes started giving OSTs and songs and music. I asked her for the reason.
She replied," look sir, the only place where you can find your music is r/Jokes because r/Jokes is full of 'Rep' OSTs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mwdn/for_years_i_was_searching_for/
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I love my wife.

She just surprised me with a all-inclusive vacation to the Dominican Republic, and full access to the mini-bar! She even just got me a million dollar life insurance policy.
Hell Yeah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mvt7/i_love_my_wife/
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My best friend just got diagnosed with aphantasia

I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mumt/my_best_friend_just_got_diagnosed_with_aphantasia/
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Two whales are swimming in the ocean and encounter a whale hunting ship.

The first whale is furious, and says to the second, “look over there! Those are the people that killed our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, friends! We should take revenge!” The second whale is also angry on hearing this, and agrees, saying, “what should we do?” The first whale thinks for a while, and says, “look, we need to turn that ship over so the people will drown. If we both go underneath it, and blow air from our breathing holes together, the air should turn the ship over.” The second agrees, and they both go to the ship. Sure enough, the ship turns over at once and all the people jump aboard into the water. The whales are satisfied and begin to move away. However, the first whale notices the people trying to swim their way to life boats and rafts. Being angry, he says, “our vengeance is not complete. We need to destroy those people. Let’s go over again and eat them, we’ll gobble them up whole.” The second whale becomes very annoyed at this, and says, “Look now, I went along with the blow job, but I am not going to swallow the sea men!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mu1u/two_whales_are_swimming_in_the_ocean_and/
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Guy walks into a bar

He walks up to the bar and orders a shot and a beer. he notices a jar of $100 bills on the bar. He says what’s up with the jar of $100 bills? The bartender says “well, thats from our man challenge that no one’s ever completed, if you win you get the whole jar." The guy says “I’m in what do i have to do?” The bartender says first you have to go knock out that bouncer with one punch, then we have a pit bull chained up outback with an infected tooth that you have to pull. Last but not least we have an old hooker upstairs who’s never been satisfied by a man that you have to satisfy.” The guy says “ok wtf I’m in” He drops a hundo in the jar slams the shot and goes over and “Boom”, knocks the guy out with one punch. He walks back to the bar and orders a beer and two more shots and slams them back to back. He then proceeds to go out back where an epic struggle takes place. The guy comes back in bloody and disheveled. He  immediately walks to the bar and orders three shots and a beer, slams them back to back, then says “Ok, now where is this whore with a bad tooth?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mrco/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call an Italian concentration camp?

A spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mkox/what_do_you_call_an_italian_concentration_camp/
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Mental illnesses isn't real

it's all in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mjb8/mental_illnesses_isnt_real/
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Did You Hear About The Genie...

Did you hear about the genie who lived in a flask of bitter water?
He was a Djinn in tonic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mi4x/did_you_hear_about_the_genie/
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Why did the golfer's shots always fly in a spiral pattern?

He was using a screwdriver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mfbs/why_did_the_golfers_shots_always_fly_in_a_spiral/
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Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.

So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mf7v/three_tortoises_mick_alan_and_les_decide_to_go_on/
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How are ps4s and Micheal Jackson similar?

They're both plastic and get turned on by little kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mdw6/how_are_ps4s_and_micheal_jackson_similar/
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I went to the Calrissian family reunion.

What a bore.  Spent way too much time talking to some Rando.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5mdnp/i_went_to_the_calrissian_family_reunion/
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A blonde joke a friend told me sometime ago (I'm sorry if this offends you)

Three women named Katie, Rachel and Karen, our blonde protagonist, attempted to rob the local bank.
Katie explained the plan to both of them. They went through it once again and then left for the bank.
While Karen went inside the bank, Rachel waited in the driver's seat and Katie was leaning against the back of their van.
A few moments later when the siren sounded, Katie opened the back door and jumped into the van, ready for Karen to arrive.
Karen runs out with a bomb in one hand and a rope in the other with a safe tied to it tugging along. A guard with his pants down was running behind her.
Karen tried but couldn't get the safe into the van. At last, Katie shouted, "Leave it ! Get in !" Karen gets in and they rush out.
After reaching safety, Katie began shouting, "What were you thinking ?! What was that all about ?! I think I told ..... KAREN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5m9nz/a_blonde_joke_a_friend_told_me_sometime_ago_im/
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I tried making a group for men with erectile dysfunction.

Turns out it was harder than I thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5m8wf/i_tried_making_a_group_for_men_with_erectile/
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A friend lent me his movie collection...

I thought of watching Yesterday today, then 28 Days Later. Then I could watch The Day After Tomorrow, though that might be better tomorrow. I'd like to finish before sunrise. I haven't finished Before Sunrise, and I haven't seen Me Before You before, but I think I won't watch it; I'll watch It instead.
So I think I'll watch The Day After Tomorrow tomorrow, or watch it the day after tomorrow, then watch It the day after, or One Week.
I guess I could always watch The Day After Tomorrow before Yesterday. Oh, and he has A Lot Of Sorrow, which makes me very happy. And this is my first chance to see Last Chance To See.
Any thoughts? What would you watch?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5m781/a_friend_lent_me_his_movie_collection/
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Did you hear about the corn farmer?

He had a great harvest and was smiling from ear to ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5m5y5/did_you_hear_about_the_corn_farmer/
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A man goes to the gas station to buy some condoms

“That’ll be $3.99” says the clerk, “Would you like a bag?”
I replied, “No, she’s actually quite pretty.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5m4tn/a_man_goes_to_the_gas_station_to_buy_some_condoms/
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It's been a strange sort of day.

First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5m2ux/its_been_a_strange_sort_of_day/
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I hate people who take drugs

Fuck you DEA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5m23v/i_hate_people_who_take_drugs/
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Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5m1u7/guess_who_woke_up_with_20_missed_calls_from_his_ex/
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Want to join the wee-wee club?

Urine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5lno4/want_to_join_the_weewee_club/
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Blind people are the most empathetic.

They feel everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5llzw/blind_people_are_the_most_empathetic/
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Hunting Trip

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5lc6e/hunting_trip/
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What do the head of marketing for Metamucil and the head of Infrastructure at AT&T have in common?

Both are in charge of fiber optics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5l6ck/what_do_the_head_of_marketing_for_metamucil_and/
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Me: what does a pirate drive?

My friend: a CARGGHH?
Me: no, a ship you moron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5l0p9/me_what_does_a_pirate_drive/
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Who are the loudest people in china?

The Shao Ding people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5kvqf/who_are_the_loudest_people_in_china/
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A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

oof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ksl9/a_storm_blew_away_25_of_my_roof_last_night/
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I really hate how close the ‘i’ and the ‘o’ are on a keyboard...

I really could really care less that a Pirn is a rod onto which weft thread is wound for use in weaving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5kpxp/i_really_hate_how_close_the_i_and_the_o_are_on_a/
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During a drug rehab session

Joke: During a drug rehab session, an addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing crack. When you're addicted to crack you don't have an appetite." The next addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing cocaine. I spent all my money and couldn't afford to eat." The next addict shares, "I lost so much weight using meth. I lost all my teeth and and couldn't chew solid food." The last addict shares, "I lost so much weight using Viagra." The other addicts looked at him skeptically, and asked, "How did you lose weight using Viagra?" The addict responds, "Who the hell has time to eat?!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5kobm/during_a_drug_rehab_session/
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Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all hired to do movies about the big three classical music composers. The director gives them the choice on who they play.

Bruce shrugs and says, "I guess I'll be Beethoven".
Stallone thinks for a minute and says, "Eh, I'll be Mozart then."
Everyone then turns to Arnold who looks down with a sigh, "I'll be Bach".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5kkvv/bruce_willis_sylvester_stallone_and_arnold/
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What cheese is made backwards?

Edam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5kkro/what_cheese_is_made_backwards/
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Idk how to climb stairs

Anyone have a step by step tutorial?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5khft/idk_how_to_climb_stairs/
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Why was the mermaid couple so indecisive?

Because they both refused to wear the pants in the relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5kfag/why_was_the_mermaid_couple_so_indecisive/
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What's the difference between a politician and a prostitute?

One gets paid to fuck people while the other is considered a criminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5kd5f/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5kajz/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_runny_nose/
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After a hard day at work, my boss cornered me in the change rooms.

She is a beautiful but intimidating woman. She looked at me and said "I'd like you to take off my blouse". With some nervousness I said "ok, sure" she then said "can you unbutton and remove my skirt too please". She lastly asked for me to take off her bra and panties as well. To which I also obliged.
Then what seemed like an eternity had passed without a word being spoken she said, "if I ever catch you wearing them again, your fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5k9j4/after_a_hard_day_at_work_my_boss_cornered_me_in/
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Why do cats walk around houses like they own the place?

Well, you can't spell "homeowner" without "meow"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5k8t1/why_do_cats_walk_around_houses_like_they_own_the/
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Why did the robot deny having a brother?

Because he had trans-sisters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5k4zw/why_did_the_robot_deny_having_a_brother/
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So I heard Microsoft is making smart fences now...

The main problem is they Bill Gates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5k3p6/so_i_heard_microsoft_is_making_smart_fences_now/
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Doctor: do you want the good news or the bad news?

Me: good news please
Doctor: We are naming your disease after me!
Me: What?
Doctor Dickwarts: What?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5jw8z/doctor_do_you_want_the_good_news_or_the_bad_news/
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We should care more for stopwatches

I heard they’re disappearing at an alarming rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5jhrx/we_should_care_more_for_stopwatches/
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I might have to reconsider my kosher hot dog business...

For some reason Anne's Franks hasn't been very popular with the target audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5jgpj/i_might_have_to_reconsider_my_kosher_hot_dog/
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Two men stand next to each other at a urinal...

One looks to the other and says "Can you guess where I'm from?"
The other guy looks to him, giving him a once over and says: "Well I can clearly see European."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5jarh/two_men_stand_next_to_each_other_at_a_urinal/
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You cannot compare Steve Jobs with Donald Trump.

It would be apples vs oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5j5wt/you_cannot_compare_steve_jobs_with_donald_trump/
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Why do native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5j2to/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
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My wife is mad because I "never buy her flowers"

I didn't even know she sold flowers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5j0ji/my_wife_is_mad_because_i_never_buy_her_flowers/
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Well, when life gives you melons

You know you're dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5izuo/well_when_life_gives_you_melons/
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I drove to my local church to donate cheese to their food shelf.

Jesus take the wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ixpn/i_drove_to_my_local_church_to_donate_cheese_to/
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Where do gangster noodles live?

The spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ivw0/where_do_gangster_noodles_live/
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Does that masked man look suspicious to you?

Not really. The mask makes it hard to tell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ilg3/does_that_masked_man_look_suspicious_to_you/
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A war veteran is lost in the rural deserts of Afghanistan.

A war veteran is lost in the rural deserts of Afghanistan, eager for just a single drink of water. As he's roaming through the country's rugged terrain, he spots in the distance what appears to be a vendor running a small stand. Figuring that there is no one else in the vicinity, he decides to go to the stand and perhaps see if the vendor happens to have any water with him.
As the veteran approaches the stand, he see that an old Jewish man wrapped in a prayer shawl is in charge of the stand, selling neckties at $35 a piece. When he asks if he happens to have any water, the vendor flatly tells him that he doesn't have any water with him, but he does have neckties available for purchase at $35 each. The veteran responds by saying that he doesn't want to purchase any of the old man's overpriced ties, but what would be helpful is if he could receive the directions for the nearest place where he can find water. The vendor tells him that if he continues two kilometers east up a hill, there's a restaurant there where he can find cold water. Seeing that the restaurant is his last beacon of hope, the veteran sets out on the hill, determined to find water.
One hour later, the old man sees the veteran hurriedly running down the hill. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!" he shouts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ijvf/a_war_veteran_is_lost_in_the_rural_deserts_of/
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How many depressed teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Must be more than one, because my room is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5icoy/how_many_depressed_teenagers_does_it_take_to/
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I'm so sick of hearing necrophelia jokes

They've all been done to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5i7a4/im_so_sick_of_hearing_necrophelia_jokes/
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I tried to catch fog yesterday...

Mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5i4gw/i_tried_to_catch_fog_yesterday/
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Last night i stumbled out of a bar into a cop

He asked me if i was driving and i said
"Sir if i was driving we wouldn't be having this conversation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5i3wg/last_night_i_stumbled_out_of_a_bar_into_a_cop/
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What do you call an alligator with GPS?

A navi-gator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5hxpc/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_with_gps/
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You think birds are scary?

Imagine Dragons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ht1k/you_think_birds_are_scary/
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Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.
"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her.
The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued, "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our *children* in, contains magnesium and aluminum? And God knows what else!"
Again, she politely but firmly shook her head and pulled her daughter along, as the protester shouted after her, "You owe it to your children to evacuate now!!"
After they got some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was that man right, momma? Are we in danger?"
The mother smiled at her daughter. "No, sweetheart. Don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us, doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement knows what it's talking about."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ho7h/two_ants_a_mother_and_her_daughter_were_walking/
%
A Mexican got into a fistfight with a priest the other day.

Talk about alien vs predator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5ho0g/a_mexican_got_into_a_fistfight_with_a_priest_the/
%
I walked in on my grandfather having a stroke...

Dirty old man watches way too much porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5hnt9/i_walked_in_on_my_grandfather_having_a_stroke/
%
Two windmills are in a field.

One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?"
The other windmill replies, "AHHHH! A TALKING WINDMILL!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5hgsp/two_windmills_are_in_a_field/
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And that's when the fight started

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5hewv/and_thats_when_the_fight_started/
%
My friend asked me if I have ever heard the song "Wonderwall".

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5heds/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_have_ever_heard_the_song/
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Everyone told Beethoven he would fail as a musician because he was deaf.

But did he listen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5he5t/everyone_told_beethoven_he_would_fail_as_a/
%
I just ordered a metal box taken straight from the wreckage of Chernobyl.

What? I'm on a budget. It was the cheapest microwave I could find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5h9uw/i_just_ordered_a_metal_box_taken_straight_from/
%
South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5h9hd/south_of_the_border_is_a_sea_of_violence_hate/
%
A girl is cuddling with her boyfriend watching TV and says...

\-Tell me something sweet.
\- Watermelon.
\-Nooooo, something I'd like.
\-Shoes.
\-Noooo, something sexy.
\-Your sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5h13n/a_girl_is_cuddling_with_her_boyfriend_watching_tv/
%
Fat Chicks

So two friends are heading to the brothel, one has never been before so the Madame enquires on what he likes. "Fat chicks."
So the Madame takes him into a room and says "This is Sarah, she's 16 stone, would you like to try?"
"No no no" says the man, "I like faaaat chicks. Bigger the better, can't get enough of them."
So the Madame takes him upstairs and says "Here's Anna, she's 20 stone, will she satisfy your needs?"
The man says "it just won't do, are you sure you have nothing else?"
The Madame says ".. well, we do have big Bertha up in the attic, she's about 26stone. I can show you her if you like?"
So they head up to the attic and there's Bertha, sprawled naked on her back.
"Brilliant, I'll have a shot on that" says the man and he clambers on top.
About 2 minutes later, the man requests to turn off the light.
Bertha says "what's wrong honey, does the sight of my big flabby body disgust you?"
The man shouts back "Naw! This light bulb is burning my arse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5gxrl/fat_chicks/
%
A little boy opens his violin case and an AK47 falls out

His teacher screams "Tommy what the hell is that!"
Tommy stares blankly at the gun for a moment and says "oh crap my dad is gonna rob a bank with my violin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5gswr/a_little_boy_opens_his_violin_case_and_an_ak47/
%
What kind of parties do kidnappers hate the most?

The search parties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5gkcu/what_kind_of_parties_do_kidnappers_hate_the_most/
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The Gynaecologist’s Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Albuquerque, New Mexico”
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
"No sir..............that's where the end of the line is right now..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5gi6z/the_gynaecologists_assistant/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because someone put on the wrong sock this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5g7f3/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.
The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.
Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.
After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young anymore, it seems like an impossible task for him alone.
He writes to his son: "My dear son, after your mother's death, I am finally ready to move on. I'd like to bring our old garden to new life. Unfortunately, the task seems to be too much for an old man like me. I know you're busy with work and family, but maybe you could help me with digging over the old patches. This would help a lot. Love, your father."
Some time later he receives a short message from his son: "Father. Please keep away from the patches. It's where I hid the 'Thing'. Your son."
The next morning, combined forces of FBI, NSA and HS invade the property and the neighborhood. They start questioning everyone and search the man's garden inch after inch, soil layer after soil layer. In the evening, they still haven't found anything and finally give up.
The man receives another message from his son: "Dear Father, I'm glad that you want to move on after Mom's death. Work and family prevent me from visiting you right now, but after the recent visit of the authorities your garden should be dug over and ready for renewal. That's the best I could do at the moment. Love, your son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5g3z6/a_muslim_man_came_to_the_usa_many_years_ago/
%
Why does Boromir never have to poo?

The dead do not suffer the living need to pass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5fzy8/why_does_boromir_never_have_to_poo/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

“You can keep the tip.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5fy09/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
An American, a Frenchman and an Italian sit at the beach.

They are arguing about the quality of their vehicles and the engineering prowess of their country.
The Italian says: You know, my old Fiat is still serving me well. I bought it 10 years ago and barely changed a thing other than oil.
The Frenchman responds:
10 years? Honhonhon! My old Renault is getting me to work after 15 years. Good as new!
The American then says: You both are cute, my Ford was not once due for service in 20 years. If that isn't a feat of superior engineering, I don't know what is. Can't get more efficient than that!
Suddenly the sea is in turmoil. A giant submarine emerges from the depths, pressing aside the water and making it splash at the arguing men.
A hatch opens and a blonde man in black uniform  appears.
"Sieg Heil! Where can I purchase some Diesel?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5fvcv/an_american_a_frenchman_and_an_italian_sit_at_the/
%
Dude, can you pass me that leaflet?

Brochure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5fv81/dude_can_you_pass_me_that_leaflet/
%
A desperate young man is searching for the love of his life online

He learns about a dating website where he can fill in his preferences. So he navigates to the website and starts to type:
1. The love of my life should be not to tall.
2. She should enjoy company and walking around in a group.
3. In addition she should love swimming and not talk too much.
After a short delay the computer is finished analyzing:
"Thanks for using our service, please marry a penguin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5fohr/a_desperate_young_man_is_searching_for_the_love/
%
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,

I’d have 16.40 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5fjw1/if_i_had_50_cents_for_every_time_i_failed_a_math/
%
What do you call a potato with a penis

A dictator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5fhgn/what_do_you_call_a_potato_with_a_penis/
%
Donald Trump DOES have a plan to combat global warming!

He's putting ICE everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5fh9o/donald_trump_does_have_a_plan_to_combat_global/
%
I just found an origami porn channel.

But it is paper view only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5fgel/i_just_found_an_origami_porn_channel/
%
After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”

“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!”
“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5f8y7/after_my_breakup_i_talked_to_my_ex_one_last_time/
%
Two hunters are in the woods

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5f0rx/two_hunters_are_in_the_woods/
%
How many mice did it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but I don't know how they got in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5f03e/how_many_mice_did_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light_bulb/
%
A woman wakes up on her day off and buys a parrot who used to be carried around by a prostitute at all times

Soon the woman started regretting this purchase; the parrot just wouldn't stop moaning things along the lines of “oh yeah, do it harder, yes, right there, i love it”
She called her husband George to inform him about the situation, and he said he would take a look at the bird when he came home from work in a few hours, so she waited for him in the front yard, where the bird could not bother her
When she saw the husband arrive, she jumped into his arms and, traumatized by the parrot’s filthy words, begged the man to make the pet shut up
Furious, he walked inside the house and into the room where the parrot was in, yelling:
“Be quiet, you stupid bitch, my wife is right there!”
The parrot immediately went quiet, and, after staring at the man for a few seconds, replied:
“Oh, hi George, good to see you again”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5f001/a_woman_wakes_up_on_her_day_off_and_buys_a_parrot/
%
Two planes jump in a trampoline

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5eyaa/two_planes_jump_in_a_trampoline/
%
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down!" anymore to protect the president.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5evpz/the_secret_service_isnt_allowed_to_yell_get_down/
%
The cable guy asked what time it was

I said, between one and five PM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5euzc/the_cable_guy_asked_what_time_it_was/
%
Why shouldn't you make friends in the men's restroom?

That's where all the dicks hang out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5esrm/why_shouldnt_you_make_friends_in_the_mens_restroom/
%
[NSFW]Why do hospitals have AC?

To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5eo0j/nsfwwhy_do_hospitals_have_ac/
%
Doctor: do you want the good news or the bad news?

Me: good news please
Doctor: we’re naming a disease after you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5eiai/doctor_do_you_want_the_good_news_or_the_bad_news/
%
Is snorting cocaine off a prostitute's arse...

...all it's cracked up to be?
.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5eep7/is_snorting_cocaine_off_a_prostitutes_arse/
%
What does a grape say when you step on it ?

Nothing it just let's out a little whine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5eebg/what_does_a_grape_say_when_you_step_on_it/
%
What's a similarity between an antivaxx kid and this joke?

Both die in new

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5e9qd/whats_a_similarity_between_an_antivaxx_kid_and/
%
I've started to wonder why the UK doesn't just pick a random kid from Eton to sort out Brexit

..I mean, he's going to have to do it eventually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5e9bn/ive_started_to_wonder_why_the_uk_doesnt_just_pick/
%
I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's probably the last time that I fall asleep in the bus with my mouth open

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5e4qf/i_woke_up_to_a_blowjob_this_morning/
%
Me: Did you steal my thesaurus

Horse: Nope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5e240/me_did_you_steal_my_thesaurus/
%
How do you make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5e0cz/how_do_you_make_an_octopus_laugh/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German man are watching a street performer.

While he’s juggling, the street performer notices that the four have a bad view, so he stands on a crate and asks them, “Can you all see me now?”
The four guys respond to him, “Yes...”
“Oui...”
“Si...”
“Ja!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5dybb/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
The inventor of Velcro died last week.

RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5dswv/the_inventor_of_velcro_died_last_week/
%
What do tight underwear and a cheap mansion have in common?

No ballroom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5drvd/what_do_tight_underwear_and_a_cheap_mansion_have/
%
What’s the difference between an innocent black guy and a white serial killer?

One is on his way to prison, and the other is a white serial killer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5dkzz/whats_the_difference_between_an_innocent_black/
%
I love u

It’s my favorite vowel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5dk8w/i_love_u/
%
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The waiter asks him what he wants, and the Elk
hesitates for a second.
"Locomotive."
The waiter is puzzled. "What?"
"Land Rover."
"Sir, that's not on the menu."
"Lake Michigan."
The waiter is unsure what to say. Frustrated, the Elk brings his leg up on the table to point out what he wants on the menu.
"This is what I want."
"Sir, you don't have any fingers... I can't tell what you're pointing at."
"Just give me the damn spaghetti."
Sorry to everyone who was confused, I didn't expect the post to gain this much traction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5diwv/a_north_american_elk_walks_into_a_pizzeria/
%
What is Paul McCartney’s favorite letter of the alphabet?

Letter B, letter B, letter B yeah letter B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5dfq8/what_is_paul_mccartneys_favorite_letter_of_the/
%
The doctor told me I have either amnesia or insomnia

I can't remember which one and it's making me lose sleep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5cz82/the_doctor_told_me_i_have_either_amnesia_or/
%
As you may know, we have approached the 10th anniversary on the death of Michael Jackson...

I think we should pause and think of all those he's touched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5cvlk/as_you_may_know_we_have_approached_the_10th/
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Paying Respects

Two construction workers, Bill and Andy, were doing some maintenance on the side of the road when a funeral procession approached.  Bill ceased working, laid down his shovel, removed his hardhat and looked on solemnly as the hearse passed by.  Andy took notice and said "That's real kind of you Bill, never took you for a reverent man."
Bill shrugs and replies "Figured its the least I could do after being married to her for 30 years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5cpdq/paying_respects/
%
Two circus lions are eating a clown

One lion asks the other, "does he taste funny to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5corb/two_circus_lions_are_eating_a_clown/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad I had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5cnu5/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
How do Mexicans cut their pizzas?

with little caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5cl53/how_do_mexicans_cut_their_pizzas/
%
How much does presidential impeachment insurance cost?

Just one Pence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5cgl7/how_much_does_presidential_impeachment_insurance/
%
I asked my husband if I'm the only one he's been with.

He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5cdot/i_asked_my_husband_if_im_the_only_one_hes_been/
%
PIERRE THE FIGHTER PILOT

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre  the fighter pilot and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" He grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up. Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." He tears  her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all  over her breasts.
"Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white  wine!" They resume their passionate interlude. Marie leans close to his  ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Pierre rips off her  underwear, grabs a bottle of cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a  match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Pierre stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5c8gu/pierre_the_fighter_pilot/
%
Been on a diet for 2 weeks

Proud to say I lost 14 days of happiness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5bzeh/been_on_a_diet_for_2_weeks/
%
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and the Mom asks him to lead the family in saying grace. So the boy complied and starts praying, and praying, and praying. After awhile the daughter leans over and quietly says to him “I had no idea you were so religious,” to which the boy replies, “I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5br1t/a_17_year_old_male_walks_into_a_drug_store/
%
I didn't know you could vape a chocolate bar until...

...my wife told me to stop inhaling them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5bk2v/i_didnt_know_you_could_vape_a_chocolate_bar_until/
%
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5bj6h/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
%
The tough CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new  boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the  facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of  workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young  fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO  then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay,  now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about  his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone  want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5bi2t/the_tough_ceo/
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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5bh4n/a_plastic_surgeon_and_a_tattoo_artist_made_a_deal/
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Last Halloween, I dressed as premature ejaculation

I just came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5b8ob/last_halloween_i_dressed_as_premature_ejaculation/
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Two old men were sitting on a porch

One looks at a dog licking its self just going to town and the old man says "i wish i could do that." The other old man looks at him and says "that dog would bite you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5b4g7/two_old_men_were_sitting_on_a_porch/
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A feminist told me that women were being objectified to the status of dogs.

I'm like.. Bitch!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5b3i3/a_feminist_told_me_that_women_were_being/
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Two big trees are talking in the woods.

One big tree says to the other. “Dear Fir, what do you suppose this little bitty tree is between us?  Do you think it’s the son of a beech or the son of a birch?”
“I’m afraid I do not know, kind fir,” says the other tree.
In the meantime a woodpecker lands on the baby tree.  The first tree seeing an opportunity turns his question to the woodpecker. “Ah!  Woodpecker!  You’re a wood connoisseur! Can you tell us if this bitty tree is the son of a beech, or the son of a birch?”
The woodpecker dutifully pecks at the small tree. Gets a look of wonder, pecks again and sighs with awe.
“Ah, my good firs, this is not the son of a beech OR the son of a birch.  This is the finest piece of ash I’ve ever stuck my pecker in!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5azyu/two_big_trees_are_talking_in_the_woods/
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5au6i/four_catholic_men_and_a_catholic_woman_were/
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Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?

The second one’s a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5aguv/why_are_there_two_ds_in_reddit/
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NSFW: A mom is putting her son to bed and he asks

"Mom, where do babies came from?"
"Well", she says, "They come from a stork."
Confused, he asks "Then who fucks the stork?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5afun/nsfw_a_mom_is_putting_her_son_to_bed_and_he_asks/
%
Went swimming today at the public pool, decided to pee in the deep end

Lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loudly it startled me and I almost fell in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5aa8k/went_swimming_today_at_the_public_pool_decided_to/
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One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has just been deported.

Now we don't have Oleg to stand on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5a7op/one_of_the_russian_acrobats_in_our_human_pyramid/
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What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5a2nr/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_stop_and/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5a2ch/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
What is the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?

Snow balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5a0yd/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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Surprise! A blonde joke!

A brunette, a ginger, and a blonde are all running from the police. They come across a barn and decide it’s the best place to hide. Once inside, they find a few empty burlap sacks. The police arrive after just a few minutes. Their dogs quickly move the officers towards the burlap sacks where these convicts are hiding.
The dog sniffs the sack where the ginger is hiding and he starts making small squeaks. The officer moves on saying, “it’s just a sack of barn mice.”
The dog sniffs the sack where the brunette is hiding and she starts meowing. The officer moves on saying, “just a sack of kittens.”
The dog sniffs at the bag where the blonde is hiding. The blonde quickly shouts, “Potatoes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c59zeq/surprise_a_blonde_joke/
%
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian

It was the least I could do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c59n7i/yesterday_i_spotted_an_albino_dalmatian/
%
Where do gangster noodles live?

The spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c59b6b/where_do_gangster_noodles_live/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c59auq/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Why is Japan reluctant on letting Trump visit?

Last time a fat man visited 80'000 people died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c597gx/why_is_japan_reluctant_on_letting_trump_visit/
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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors...

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.
Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, "I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who'll join him in the pool."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Brian in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it, getting it in choke holds, biting it's tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Brian and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell.
Finally, after what seemed like an age, Brian strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish.
An exhausted Brian wearily climbed out of the pool with everybody staring at him in disbelief.
The millionaire said, "Well, Brian, I reckon I owe you a million dollars then."
"Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Brian.
So the millionaire said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," Brian insisted.
The millionaire said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?"
Once again, Brian said, "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Brian, then what do you want?"
"I want the bastard who pushed me in," said Brian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c59491/a_multimillionaire_living_in_darwin_australia/
%
I miss my Grandfather..

We used to play together, camp together and repair everything on our house, never gonna forget his last words..
"Stop shaking the ladder u little fucker"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c592wn/i_miss_my_grandfather/
%
I opened up the only funeral home in town and

everyone is dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c592h0/i_opened_up_the_only_funeral_home_in_town_and/
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My kids are obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine.

I think it’s just a phase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c592dy/my_kids_are_obsessed_with_the_difference_between/
%
A woman walks into a bar...

The bartender asks her what she’d like.  She replies, “I’ll have a double entendre.”
So he gave it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c592ci/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A woman is taking a walk on the beach at sunset

when suddenly, her foot hits something hard. (No, not that, stop.) It is a magic lamp! She rubs it and the genie comes out :
\- You who found me, I grant you one wish!
\- Only one? the woman answers, but usually it's three!
\- Yeah yeah I know but these a difficult times for everyone, so you get only one! Make it count!
\- Okay then, she said, taking out a map from her backpack. I want peace here, she said, putting her finger on the middle-east.
\- But! They've been at it for ages there, it's too complicated! No, change, find another wish.
\- Embarrassed, the woman says: "Well I have never found my match, I would like to meet the perfect man for me please...He would be nice, take care of me, put me above anything else, don't drink to much, knows how to have fun...
The genie sighed...
\- Ok, gimme the map back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c590ml/a_woman_is_taking_a_walk_on_the_beach_at_sunset/
%
What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? - Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?... ? ? .. nothing because you’ve got a mouth full of dick.

Lool my uncle told me this yesterday it is an absolute cracker ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58xh8/what_do_you_call_nuts_on_the_wall_walnuts_what_do/
%
Dude 1: Hey, Bro?

Dude 2: Yeah, bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58wem/dude_1_hey_bro/
%
Two dyslexics decide to rob a bank

They drew up the plans and had everything in order.  The day came and they drove to the bank, pulled up in front and put their ski masks on.  They got out, burst through the front doors and screamed, "Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58vpl/two_dyslexics_decide_to_rob_a_bank/
%
They say that diarrhoea is hereditary.

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58qsm/they_say_that_diarrhoea_is_hereditary/
%
Today, I celebrated 25 years of marriage to my wife.

At dinner, she asked, "25 years is really something.  What do you think?"
I say, "I'm just thinking, if I had killed you when I had the chance, I'd just now be getting out of prison on parole..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58qj0/today_i_celebrated_25_years_of_marriage_to_my_wife/
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Teacher: “John, make a sentence with dandelion.”

John: “The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58q2t/teacher_john_make_a_sentence_with_dandelion/
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Once a drunk husband arrived late at his home, He rang the bell..

Wife : where have you been till this late, I am not going to open the door.  Sleep outside on the road tonight.
There was a well beside their house.
Husband : I'll Jump into well If you don't open the door.
Wife : Do whatever you have to do, I won't open the door tonight.
Husband picks a big stone and threw it into the well, wife opens the door and ran towards the well. Husband enters the house and locked it from inside.
Wife : Open the door, otherwise I'll shout and people will gather here.
Husband : Let them gather, I'll ask you in front of them that from where are you coming this late and that too in night wear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58nqq/once_a_drunk_husband_arrived_late_at_his_home_he/
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My first wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms.

My second wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms.
My third wife died from a cracked skull...
...the bitch wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58ngd/my_first_wife_died_from_eating_poisonous_mushrooms/
%
As I handed my dad his 60th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...

“You know, one would have been enough.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58kyg/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_60th_birthday_card_he/
%
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58hio/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
What do you call a monkey walking over a minefield?

A Baboom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58epv/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_walking_over_a_minefield/
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If not using periods was a crime...

would it result in long sentences?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58efy/if_not_using_periods_was_a_crime/
%
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.

and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first priest candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58ecz/twelve_priests_were_about_to_be_ordained_the/
%
A priest was getting ready to hear confessions one day when he got a terrible attack of diarrhea, so he asked the altar boy to take over for him.

“But I don’t know how to hear confessions,” said the altar boy.
“It’s easy,” said the priest. “You’ve seen me do it many times. Nobody will know the difference.”
So the altar boy was in the confession booth when a man came in and sat down on the other side.
“Father, I don’t know what to do,” the man said. “Last night my wife and I were in bed. She was sleeping and I rolled her over and fucked her in the ass. I ele bad about it, but I don’t know how to make it up to her.”
“That’s easy,” said the altar boy. “Just give her milk and cookies like the priest gives me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58csf/a_priest_was_getting_ready_to_hear_confessions/
%
A man rushes into a bar and shouts, “Who’s the owner of the chihuahua that was tied up outside?”

The man continues looking around frantically, but no one in the bar responds. Calling out again, he says, “Please, I need the owner! Your dog is killing my rottweiler!”
A patron of the bar slowly stands up and says, “Sir, I don’t believe it would be possible for my chihuahua to kill a dog that big. I call bullshit.”
The first man responds, “I’m not fucking with you! The rottweiler is choking on him!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5863b/a_man_rushes_into_a_bar_and_shouts_whos_the_owner/
%
A tourist from Canada walks into a Moscow restaurant.

He orders fries and gravy. When the order comes and he tastes it, he says "Ugh, I hate this poutine!"
He was never seen again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c585sd/a_tourist_from_canada_walks_into_a_moscow/
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My Zodiac star sign

I went to the doctors office the other day, he said “Pick a star sign, any star sign.” I said “Pisces.” He said “Nah you got Cancer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c581xb/my_zodiac_star_sign/
%
Michael Stipe died, but only two people know about it.

That's me and the coroner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c58037/michael_stipe_died_but_only_two_people_know_about/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked suprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c57y4e/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
%
To the guy at the gym wearing yoga pants - that takes some huge balls.

No, really. I saw them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c57v96/to_the_guy_at_the_gym_wearing_yoga_pants_that/
%
Why don't lepers use the Internet?

Because they're digitally challenged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c57nq3/why_dont_lepers_use_the_internet/
%
Why are pirates pirates?

Because they just arrrrrrrggghhhh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c57fay/why_are_pirates_pirates/
%
I wanted to try online dating

, so I clicked around until I saw someone I found attractive. We started chatting, and everything was going great, until she told me her career is "professional blood donor."
That's when I knew she wasn't my type.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c57f7y/i_wanted_to_try_online_dating/
%
I have this instinct to murder the most beautiful person in the world and I want to give into it.

But I also don’t want to commit suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c57dka/i_have_this_instinct_to_murder_the_most_beautiful/
%
You can’t spell disappointment without...

...dis pp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c57d5j/you_cant_spell_disappointment_without/
%
Johnny came home from elementary school and asked his father.

Johnny: Today in school, me and friends had a competition to see who has the largest dick. I won. I am the  thick-est of them all.
Daddy: *sighed* Because you're sixteen years old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c57but/johnny_came_home_from_elementary_school_and_asked/
%
A mime was arrested last night after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.

He still has the right to remain silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c57b3f/a_mime_was_arrested_last_night_after_he_got_into/
%
My wife complained I never buy her flowers in our 20 years of marriage....

All these years, and I never even knew she's a florist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c57ak0/my_wife_complained_i_never_buy_her_flowers_in_our/
%
I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our forefather's created.

One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c574rz/i_was_talking_to_the_local_kids_last_night/
%
Mommy, why did you name me rose?

Mother: Because after you were born and we were on our way out of the hospital a rose petal landed on your forehead.
Daughter :Is that why my little brother is named leaf?
Mother: Yes darling.
Arrtghdgghs-hhdjskiii-blaaaahhyyy
Mother: Shut up brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c573zo/mommy_why_did_you_name_me_rose/
%
"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"

At that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c573um/its_a_boy_i_shouted_tears_rolling_down_my_face_i/
%
A family is checking in at reception.

A family on the check-in at an hotel.
„Family Smith, your room will be number 242“
The dad is asking: „Is the porn disabled“
While the guy behind the reception is replying:
„No it‘s just regular porn you sick fuck“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c573jj/a_family_is_checking_in_at_reception/
%
Cable guys was just in my neighbourhood, asked me what time it was..

I said between 8am-1pm..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c573cs/cable_guys_was_just_in_my_neighbourhood_asked_me/
%
I'm not homosexual

and every man I've fucked agrees with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c572vv/im_not_homosexual/
%
Rumor has it...

There’s a cliff you can leap off of, shout out a word, and land in whatever you said.
Three men heard of this rumor and traveled to that cliff. One man leaps off and shouts, “Hundred dollar bills!” Sure enough, he lands in enough money to last him the rest of his life.
The next man jumps off and shouts, “Luxury Pillows!” This man lands in pillows made of the finest material with the most amazing designs anyone has ever seen!
The third man trips and shouts, “oh shit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c571pm/rumor_has_it/
%
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c56z2s/i_started_a_company_selling_land_mines_disguised/
%
"Mommy why did you name me rose?"

"Because, when you were born and coming out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head. So we named you rose."
"Is that why my little brother is named leaf?"
"Yes it is."
"Blaaaaaaaaaargh-ddsbbbb-beeeebleeeb."
"Shut up brick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c56oa5/mommy_why_did_you_name_me_rose/
%
The lookout

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c56ndc/the_lookout/
%
One day a man came home from work earlier than usual...

...and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.
His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c56mf5/one_day_a_man_came_home_from_work_earlier_than/
%
On a sparkling summer day,

A penguin is driving his convertible along a coastal road. Accelerating through a bend, he hears a “thump” from the engine bay.
It’s not so far to the next town, so he slows down and limps the car to the local mechanic’s workshop.
“I’m a bit busy right now, mate”, says the mechanic. “Come back in a couple of hours”.
The penguin decided to walk down to the beach, has some fish and chips, and a gelato for dessert.
He then returns to the workshop.
“Looks like you’ve blown a couple of seals”, says the mechanic.
“No!” shouts the penguin, furiously wiping his beak. “I’ve just had an ice cream”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c56lx4/on_a_sparkling_summer_day/
%
A bee keeper walks into a pet store

He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident.
He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.”
The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c56inr/a_bee_keeper_walks_into_a_pet_store/
%
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today, where the hell were you?" The drill sergeant said.

The private only replied, "Thank you sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c56glu/private_i_didnt_see_you_at_camouflage_practice/
%
A cowboy rides into town on a hot day

He ties his horse to the hitching post outside the saloon, then walks around behind the horse, lifts up the tail and kisses it right on the asshole. Then he walks into the saloon, orders a whiskey and downs it.
The cowboy tips his hat to the bartender and walks back outside where he proceeds to lift the horse's tail and kiss it right on the asshole again before riding off.
Three old men who are regulars at the saloon start to discuss what they'd seen, and can't think of any reason why a person would do such a nasty thing.
A few days later the cowboy rides into town again. After getting his horse tied up outside, he walks around behind the horse, lifts up the tail and kisses it right on the asshole. Then he walks into the saloon, orders a whiskey and downs it.
He tips his hat to the bartender and walks back outside where he once again lifts the horse's tail and kisses it right on the asshole.
The next week he rides into town again. Ties up the horse, walks around back, lifts the tail, kisses it right on asshole, and walks into the saloon.  As the bartender pours his whiskey, one of the old men just can't take it anymore. He tells his friends he's got to know what the hell is going on with young people these days. The old man walks up to the cowboy and says "Son, I've been looking out this window here watching people come and go for longer than you've been alive.  I've never seen anyone tie up their horse, walk around, lift the tail, and kiss it right on the asshole. I have to know, why would anyone do such a thing?"
The cowboy says "Oh that? Well that's because my lips are chapped"
The old man, trying hard to hide his disgust, says "What the hell does having chapped lips have to do with anything?"
The cowboy answers, "It keeps me from licking them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c56abl/a_cowboy_rides_into_town_on_a_hot_day/
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The Blind Man..

A Nun is having a bath when there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" she politely asks,
The knocker identifies himself "It's the blind man"
"Ok, come in" she replies.
So he walks in, looks at her in the bath and says:
"Nice tits love, where do you want these blinds going?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c56a46/the_blind_man/
%
How do u find a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c569m0/how_do_u_find_a_blind_man_on_a_nude_beach/
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Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery

The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!"
A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!"
Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash!
The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c566cb/two_monks_are_setting_up_a_sign_in_front_of_their/
%
What happens when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question ?

⬆️⬆️⬆️

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c561zi/what_happens_when_you_cross_a_joke_with_a/
%
Two windmills are in a field.

One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?"
The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c560r6/two_windmills_are_in_a_field/
%
Do you know why Japan has one of the lowest obesity rates in the world?

Because the last time there was a Fat Man in their country, it didn't end well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c55xmc/do_you_know_why_japan_has_one_of_the_lowest/
%
Why are B's so cool?

Cause they're in between the AC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c55snx/why_are_bs_so_cool/
%
What did the umpire say to Hitler when he failed at baseball?

THREE REICHS, YOURE OUT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c55pya/what_did_the_umpire_say_to_hitler_when_he_failed/
%
So i bought some condoms from a chemist and the shop assistant said "Do you need a bag ?"..

"She's not that ugly" I replied...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c55pof/so_i_bought_some_condoms_from_a_chemist_and_the/
%
I was playing chess with a friend and he said “let’s make this interesting”

So we stopped playing chess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c55o5t/i_was_playing_chess_with_a_friend_and_he_said/
%
My therapist said I have an obsession with vengeance.

Well, we will just see about that !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c55nbt/my_therapist_said_i_have_an_obsession_with/
%
A couple visits a cave

The cave is beautiful but the 2 can't shake off the horrible stench that was in it. When they finally exit they see an old man at the entrance.
"Have the two of you visited the cave?" Asks the old man
"Yeah, it's nice but it stinks like hell, do you know why?"
"Well you see there was once a princess that was kidnapped by an evil witch and cursed to live forever in the cave guarded by 3 orcs, but one day a brave knight killed the witch and the orcs, rescued the princess, and lived together forever after."
"Yeah but what's with the stench?"
"I don't know, some bear might've crapped inside"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c55n85/a_couple_visits_a_cave/
%
A boy fell down the well and got stuck for the entire day

It was a day well spent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c55my7/a_boy_fell_down_the_well_and_got_stuck_for_the/
%
Mexican word of the day: bishop.

Example: "last night my wife fell down, so I had to pick the bishop. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c55k21/mexican_word_of_the_day_bishop/
%
Three drunk guys walk into a brothel...

The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her ass, she farted on my face, and flew out of the window...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c55d72/three_drunk_guys_walk_into_a_brothel/
%
(Offensive) I used to work in a Pizza Shop

I had to quit though, because I was tired of smelling Jewish... on account of the ovens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c550vb/offensive_i_used_to_work_in_a_pizza_shop/
%
Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition

He seriously misunderstood the objective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5503x/frankenstein_enters_a_bodybuilding_competition/
%
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick.

She hasn't spoken to me in a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c54z6i/i_accidentally_gave_my_wife_a_glue_stick_instead/
%
Recent studies show that fewer adults are into S & M then in previous decades.

And more adults are now into L & XL.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c54lnn/recent_studies_show_that_fewer_adults_are_into_s/
%
What did the cannibal say while eating an Alabama man sandwich?

"I like my people inbread."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c54k16/what_did_the_cannibal_say_while_eating_an_alabama/
%
What do you call it when a short person waves at you?

A microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c54fht/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_short_person_waves_at/
%
We have 10 types of people in this world

-those who know binary numbers
-those who don't know binary numbers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c54c1n/we_have_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Why do black people wear hoodies more than white people?

Black people wear them outdoors, on the streets while white people wear them indoors at their weekly meetings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c54ays/why_do_black_people_wear_hoodies_more_than_white/
%
Kid is riding with his dad in a truck and sees two dogs doing it

The kid is like, "Daddy, daddy, what are they doing?!" The father is all embarrassed but thinks fast and tells the kid, "Well, son, they decided to make themselves a little puppy."
That night the kid goes to his parents bedroom and sees them having sex and asks them completely horrified, "Daddy, daddy, what are you doing to mommy?!" Father is extremely embarrassed but decide honesty is best so he says, "Well, we decided to give you a little brother or sister."
The kid says, "Flip her over, dad, I want a puppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c54a8p/kid_is_riding_with_his_dad_in_a_truck_and_sees/
%
An Investment Banker Was Getting Married.

During Wedding, The Wife Vomits.
Husband: "What Happened?"
Wife: "Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment."
Husband: "U cheated me.."
Wife: "U should know, mutual fund investments are subject to market risks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5471c/an_investment_banker_was_getting_married/
%
Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?

Answer: Ireland’s.
Every year it’s Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c5463s/which_countrys_capital_is_the_fastest_growing/
%
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, One guy looks at the other and says,"I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's
in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters,"It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c544fu/two_men_were_sitting_next_to_each_other_at_a_bar/
%
A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival.

The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools!"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said,
"I always do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c541io/a_professor_was_one_day_walking_along_a_very/
%
A wife is clearing out her closet

And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop”
The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes”
And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c53zb6/a_wife_is_clearing_out_her_closet/
%
I told one of my friends that they should make an account on here

I now Regreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c53y7v/i_told_one_of_my_friends_that_they_should_make_an/
%
What do vegan zombies eat?

Grains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c53xi6/what_do_vegan_zombies_eat/
%
There’s no home cooking in lesbian households

only eating out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c53r67/theres_no_home_cooking_in_lesbian_households/
%
I once tried ice skating on a lake, but I fell in. Nobody helped me either, they just laughed at me panic.

Worst summer vacation ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c53nkg/i_once_tried_ice_skating_on_a_lake_but_i_fell_in/
%
Without nipples...

Boobs would be pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c53j3q/without_nipples/
%
What does the White Rhino have in common with Alex Trebec?

They’re both in jeopardy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c537bf/what_does_the_white_rhino_have_in_common_with/
%
A hunter shoots a deer and brings it home.

A hunter shoots a deer and brings it home, and has his wife clean it and cook some of it for dinner. The wife then serves it to the family. She says to the children: "Can you guess what this meat is? As a clue, it's something I call your father."
"Don't eat it!" says one child to the other, "it's a fucking dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c536kh/a_hunter_shoots_a_deer_and_brings_it_home/
%
What’s the main job of a Jewish barista?

He brew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c534zv/whats_the_main_job_of_a_jewish_barista/
%
She : I like you, but as a friend.

Me : for God's sake stop it, we're married now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c531rl/she_i_like_you_but_as_a_friend/
%
Do you have children?

B: Yes, I have two kids.
A: Do you drink alcohol?
B: Yes, I have two kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c52zaq/do_you_have_children/
%
Knock Knock

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keanu.
Keanu who?
Keanu hear me talking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c52x8n/knock_knock/
%
I want to watch the new Dwayne Johnson movie, but also want to watch the new Kevin Hart movie...

I guess you could say I'm caught
between The Rock and a Hart place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c52w7b/i_want_to_watch_the_new_dwayne_johnson_movie_but/
%
Did you know there are basically no canaries on Canary Islands?

Virgin Islands is the same case....
Not a single canary...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c52usi/did_you_know_there_are_basically_no_canaries_on/
%
The Gynaecologist's Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Albuquerque, New Mexico”
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
"No sir..............that's where the end of the line is right now..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c52on0/the_gynaecologists_assistant/
%
A Mexican magician is going to disappear in three seconds

He says to the audience, "I will disappear in three seconds"
"Uno" "Dos" *poof*
He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c52cpx/a_mexican_magician_is_going_to_disappear_in_three/
%
One Sunday morning

there was a girl named Sarah sitting in Sunday school when she fell asleep. The teacher called on Sarah and asked "who in the Bible turned water into wine?" The boy next to Sarah poked her with a pencil and she woke up and shouted "Jesus!" "Very good. Now can you tell me who created the world?" Sarah had fallen back asleep so the boy poked her with the pencil again and she woke up and yelled "God!" "Very good. Now who can tell me what Abrahams wife said after they had their 11th child." The boy poked Sarah again. "If you poke me with that one more time, I'm going to snap it in half."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c528rf/one_sunday_morning/
%
Tiger Woods gave me gonorrhea!

*golf clap*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c526yu/tiger_woods_gave_me_gonorrhea/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2...but how did they get in there....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c526ws/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A Lot of People Say Jews Don't Really Exist...

The truth, though, is that they Israel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c526ox/a_lot_of_people_say_jews_dont_really_exist/
%
My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,
The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to  nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c51vlx/my_secretary_called_this_morning_and_said_she/
%
A Jewish boy is doing poorly in math

Young Jewish boy is doing poorly in math. His parents are very concerned because they're both good at mathematics and they feel like he needs to learn math in order to be successful in college. They do everything they can to try to interest him. They hire tutors, they promise him rewards, they praise him when he does something good in math but nothing seems to work: he keeps coming back home after each report card period with an F in mathematics.
The parents are at their wit's end and don't know what else to do so they finally decide to consult the rabbi. The parents go to the rabbi and say "oh wise Rabbi our son is doing poorly in mathematics. We know he has the ability but he's just not applying himself what do we do?" Rabbi strokes his chin, is silent for a while and then he turns to the parents and says "I'm going to give you a solution but I have to warn you it's going to be very unorthodox". The parey look puzzled and so the rabbi continues. He says "if you want your son to excel in mathematics, enroll him a Catholic school. If you do that you'll get better at math I guarantee."
The parents are both surprised at the rabbi's advice but they trust him and think he's a wise man so they enroll their son in a Catholic school. The very first day after the son is in Catholic school he comes home and go straight to his room and does his mathematics homework all evening. The next night the same thing happens and so on and so on and he comes home at the end of the report card period eith an A in mathematics. The parents are beaming and delighted that the rabbi's advice worked. Finally the mother asks the son "what is it that made you improve so much in mathematics? Was it the discipline at the Catholic School? The uniforms? Better teachers?" And the son said 'No. The very first day I came in I saw that guy hanging on the plus sign I knew they meant business"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c51rpa/a_jewish_boy_is_doing_poorly_in_math/
%
My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c51mi1/my_dad_said_the_other_day_when_i_was_feeling_down/
%
Why did the music teacher get arrested?

For fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c51fk5/why_did_the_music_teacher_get_arrested/
%
A man is sentenced to death by firing squad

On the day he is going to get executed, he doesn't ask for a last meal or anything special like that.
When he is standing facing the firing squad he asks the guard one thing
Man: I am a music lover and I didn't ask for anything special on my last day. Can you please let me sing my favorite song, one time all the way through without any interruptions?
Guard: I suppose since you have not had anything special happen to you, I will allow it.
Man: Ok. One billion bottles of beer on the wall.....
Rumor has it he is still singing to this day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c51f3m/a_man_is_sentenced_to_death_by_firing_squad/
%
A mine owner advertised for new workers...

And three Guys turned up — an Irishman, a Italian, and a Japanese. The owner told the Irishman, “You’ll be in charge of the mining.” He tells the Italian, “You’ll be in charge of the lift.” He tells the Japanese, “You’ll be in charge of making sure we have supplies.” The next day the three men went into the mine, and at the end of the day one man was missing, the Japanese. They search for him for hours just as they were about to give up, he jumped out from behind a rock yelling, “Supplies! Supplies!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c51b1s/a_mine_owner_advertised_for_new_workers/
%
A Young Boy Goes to His Father, Covering His Ears

He says, "Dad, I've got a problem." The dad asks, "What's wrong?" His son winces and says, "It's my hearing, Dad. Everything I hear hurts my ears." The dad looks his son in the eyes and says, "Son, all sound hertz."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c517cg/a_young_boy_goes_to_his_father_covering_his_ears/
%
My wife complained I never buy her flowers in our 20 years of marriage....

All these years,  and I never even knew she's a florist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c516j1/my_wife_complained_i_never_buy_her_flowers_in_our/
%
What's the difference between a blow job and anal? Nsfw

One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c51026/whats_the_difference_between_a_blow_job_and_anal/
%
I love my job! I'm on paid leave for weeks, maybe months.

All I had to do was shoot an unarmed black man. I love being a cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c50r79/i_love_my_job_im_on_paid_leave_for_weeks_maybe/
%
What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c50qn8/whats_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
%
Two fish are in a tank

One fish looks at the other fish and says "hey do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c50qmy/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
My dog told me he lost 50% of his dandruff with his new shampoo but we was upset because now his fur was more

ruff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c50hl4/my_dog_told_me_he_lost_50_of_his_dandruff_with/
%
I told a friend that I was bathing in milk, almost totally immersed.

They asked, "Pasteurised?"
#
No, just to my chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c50f9m/i_told_a_friend_that_i_was_bathing_in_milk_almost/
%
A hobbit always sets his cellphone to vibrate.

Because he’s afraid the ring would give him away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c50crd/a_hobbit_always_sets_his_cellphone_to_vibrate/
%
I'm thinking about writing a book about light bulbs.

I think it's a pretty bright idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c508fr/im_thinking_about_writing_a_book_about_light_bulbs/
%
I asked my friend from North Korea how it was to live there...

...he said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4zzj7/i_asked_my_friend_from_north_korea_how_it_was_to/
%
One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet cat. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special cat. Turn on the Winnipeg Jets game and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my cat does flips." The Jets keep scoring and the cat keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one hell of a cat you got there. What happens when the Jets win the Stanley cup" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for eight years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4zs2j/one_sunday_afternoon_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with/
%
I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid...

Man she really wanted a daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4zoq3/i_still_remember_when_my_mom_used_to_tuck_me_in/
%
What do you call a lesbian with large fingers?

Well hung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4zmaa/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_with_large_fingers/
%
An atheist is walking through the countryside when he is ambushed by a huge grizzly bear.

"Oh God!" he screams "Help me!"
The bear stops in its tracks and a voice from the heavens rings out "All your life you've said you don't believe in me, slandered my name and now you want my help?"
"I realize that my request is bold," replies the atheist "but would it be possible for you to make this bear a Christian?"
"Of course it is!" replies God.
The bear closes its eyes and clasps its paws in prayer and says "Thank you Father for this meal I am about to receive..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4zl1i/an_atheist_is_walking_through_the_countryside/
%
Which makes a better Doctor? A cat or a dog?

of course its Cats! Dog's can't even run an MRI.  But Cat's can!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4zkuk/which_makes_a_better_doctor_a_cat_or_a_dog/
%
How do you get Lady Gaga’s attention?

You Poke Her Face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4zjoi/how_do_you_get_lady_gagas_attention/
%
What type of toothpaste do they use in male prisons?

Cavity protection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4z7r7/what_type_of_toothpaste_do_they_use_in_male/
%
A rabbi washes up on an island...

He explores the island in search of any civilization. He eventually comes across a group of tribal natives that he learns are known as the Trids. He also learns that, during their monthly sacrificial ceremony, one of them is taken to a giant, who kicks them into the ocean. He chooses to hide from them for this reason.
One day, he is caught, and therefore led to the giant. However, he is spared. When he asks why, the giant responds with the followimg sentence:
"Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4z1a7/a_rabbi_washes_up_on_an_island/
%
Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighbourhood today. I won!

No one is a match for me and my kettle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ypii/had_a_water_balloon_fight_with_some_of_the_kids/
%
Dire Straits and Chris Rea are getting together.....

......they are calling themselves Dire Rea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4yg9o/dire_straits_and_chris_rea_are_getting_together/
%
Why did the vulture cross the road?

Because the chicken didn't make it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4yc3v/why_did_the_vulture_cross_the_road/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's okay, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4xzeu/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
%
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?

Husband; To be honest, I had no idea she sold flowers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4xwdf/therapist_your_wife_says_you_never_buy_her/
%
Tried out a horror themed Grindr app the other night...

It gave me the willies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4xn07/tried_out_a_horror_themed_grindr_app_the_other/
%
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray.
They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4xlrg/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_to_israel_to_live/
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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.
Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4xfks/one_night_at_a_local_bar_frequented_by_a_bunch_of/
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A short moving story

A man is walking through the woods when he comes across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4xbf6/a_short_moving_story/
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What is a blonde's favourite colour?

Pineapple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4x95y/what_is_a_blondes_favourite_colour/
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Today, my ten year old son told me he wanted to be gay when he grew up.

I said to him, "Son, it's not really a choice. You either are gay or not. Regardless, whatever you are, it makes no difference to me."
He looked at me with a frown on his face.
"Hobo, Dad," he said. "I want to be a *hobo."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4x7zr/today_my_ten_year_old_son_told_me_he_wanted_to_be/
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Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit...

A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4x5c9/late_one_night_a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
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2 blond girls walking in London.

Says one to the other : look up there, that's the sun. No, says the other, it's the moon. After discussion , one of them says : lets ask that blond girl on the other side of the street. Pardon me, but we have a discussion about that ting up there, is that now the sun or is it the moon? Says that girl : Sorry but i really don't know, i'm not from London.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4x3j5/2_blond_girls_walking_in_london/
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My wife says she's leaving me because I always talk like a newsreader.

But more on that story later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4x2vy/my_wife_says_shes_leaving_me_because_i_always/
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How many feet are in a yard?

Depends on how many people like you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4wu8o/how_many_feet_are_in_a_yard/
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When you go to Washington DC, you can’t just see one monument

You have to see the Mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4wtdd/when_you_go_to_washington_dc_you_cant_just_see/
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The boss tells one of his jokes and everyone burst out laughing in the office. Except for one guy.

When asked "Why didn't you laugh?"
He responded " I don't work here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4wqur/the_boss_tells_one_of_his_jokes_and_everyone/
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What do you call a Heterosexual man who is very blunt?

Straight to the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4wmc8/what_do_you_call_a_heterosexual_man_who_is_very/
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What did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons?

Jose and Hose B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4wjo7/what_did_the_mexican_fire_chief_name_his_two_sons/
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11, 12, 13, 14, and 15 get into a fight and 13 gets murdered.

The police arrive and start the murder investigation. But almost immediately, they release 12, 14, and 15.  Everyone is surprised at how quickly and efficiently the police conducted the investigation. A press conference was held and the police were asked how they cracked the case.
The Chief Investigator had only this to say. "It was really an open and shut cast. 11 was the only prime suspect."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4wfwr/11_12_13_14_and_15_get_into_a_fight_and_13_gets/
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A person asked me, "Are you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?"

I replied "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4w9dx/a_person_asked_me_are_you_the_guy_who_always/
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I’m not much of a small talk guy so on the first date I asked:

If money wasn’t a problem what would you be doing right now?
Her: having dinner alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4w457/im_not_much_of_a_small_talk_guy_so_on_the_first/
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I hacked onto reddit from China to tell you how they censor us and control our internet.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4vys5/i_hacked_onto_reddit_from_china_to_tell_you_how/
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A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber...

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4vy4b/a_math_professor_john_is_having_problems_with_his/
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28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court.

They're awaiting their sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4vx2y/28_consonants_3_vowels_a_question_mark_and_1/
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My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4vv5d/my_friend_and_i_started_a_business_where_we_weigh/
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Did you know you actually can get an STD from a toilet seat?

It can happen if you sit down before the guy before you gets up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4vn9a/did_you_know_you_actually_can_get_an_std_from_a/
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What’s Hitlers’ favourite planet?

Jewpiter.
Want to know why?
Because it’s a gas planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4vka9/whats_hitlers_favourite_planet/
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What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

a new last name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4vj6g/what_does_a_polish_bride_get_on_her_wedding_night/
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What do you call a sick eagle?

illegal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4vira/what_do_you_call_a_sick_eagle/
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How do you get gum out of your hair?

cancer
(Sorry for offensiveness)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4vaex/how_do_you_get_gum_out_of_your_hair/
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The vote for better slides in school playgrounds is on the ballot this year.

Unfortunately, I live in a swing state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4va3s/the_vote_for_better_slides_in_school_playgrounds/
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What do you call a line of homosexuals?

An LGBT queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4v8zu/what_do_you_call_a_line_of_homosexuals/
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The Norse gods are sleeping off an orgy...

The God of Thunder turns to the young woman next to him and says, “I am Thor!”
The gal looks up through sleepy eyes and replies, “You think you’re Thor! I’m tho Thor I can barely pith!
(Kinda an aural joke. If you could say it out loud it might work better.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4v89u/the_norse_gods_are_sleeping_off_an_orgy/
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Legend has it that Steely Dan was named after a fictional steam-powered dildo

Really makes you wonder about Woody Allen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4v33d/legend_has_it_that_steely_dan_was_named_after_a/
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9 months isn't really that long

It only feels like a maternity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4uztt/9_months_isnt_really_that_long/
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I recently went on a once in a lifetime holiday.

Never again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4uybv/i_recently_went_on_a_once_in_a_lifetime_holiday/
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NYPD officers brutally beat chinese immigrant after he refused to tell them his name

"I lost faith in humanity", said Fak Yu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ur33/nypd_officers_brutally_beat_chinese_immigrant/
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why are hindus so nice

they never have beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4um35/why_are_hindus_so_nice/
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My wife is amazing

She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4u97d/my_wife_is_amazing/
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My first job was working in a slaughterhouse stunning cows...

Not bad looking sheep either...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4u69s/my_first_job_was_working_in_a_slaughterhouse/
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Funny jokes are like sex

I don't have any

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4u5rl/funny_jokes_are_like_sex/
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Bob and Frank are standing by the water cooler...

(A quick note: my Dad's health has severely declined the past year.  Over those months this sub has been my go-to source for something that would bring at least some glimmer of amusement and mirth to what have been some terrible days for him.  He died a few days ago and I wanted to say thank you for all the jokes that helped him along all this time - so, appropriately, here is my all-time favorite joke my dad ever told me....almost twenty years ago.  Hope you enjoy -- and a heartfelt thank you to all the joke-tellers here on r/Jokes)
Bob and Frank are standing at the water cooler and Frank has something on his mind.  He turns to Bob and says, "Did you ever try to say something but it comes out wrong because of what you're looking at?"  Bob is confused, "Not sure I follow."  Frank explains, "Like let's say you're at the bank and the teller, who is an attractive woman with very large breasts, asks how'd you like your change and you accidentally say 'I'd like *nipples* and dimes.'"  Bob nods, "Oh, right, I know what you mean."  Frank goes on, "That happened to me this morning.  I was sitting and eating breakfast with my wife.  I turned to her, and what I *meant* to say was '*Honey*, can you please pass the *milk*?'........but instead I said, 'Bitch, you ruined my life.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4tscv/bob_and_frank_are_standing_by_the_water_cooler/
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My favourite sex position is the 68

That´s where you do me, and I´ll owe you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4tfsl/my_favourite_sex_position_is_the_68/
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Why did the Raccoon cross the road??

To say Bye Bye to his "Flat Mate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4tfag/why_did_the_raccoon_cross_the_road/
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A guy walks into a bar...

and he sees a really small man playing the piano. He asks the bartender where he came from, and the bartender says that there's a genie in the back. The man doesn't believe him but goes anyway.
He opens the door, and BAM, there's a genie. The genie tells him he can make one wish.
'I wish for one million bucks'
The genie clicks his fingers, and suddenly, one million ducks appear. The man is very annoyed, and goes back to the bartender.
'I think your genie has a hearing problem' the man says.
'You don't say, do you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4tbvl/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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My neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3 am... can you believe it!?

Luckily I was still up playing the drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4tb9b/my_neighbor_rang_on_my_doorbell_at_3_am_can_you/
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar...

The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4taeb/an_englishman_irishman_and_scotsman_walk_into_a/
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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. (NSFW)

His wife, sitting on the couch, looks up.
He says “well, this is the cow I’ve been fucking”
His wife shakes her head, “you’re drunk, that’s no cow, it’s a duck”
The man says “I was talking to the duck”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4t5uw/a_man_walks_into_his_house_with_a_duck_under_his/
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How does every racist joke start?

With a look over your shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4t5tu/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
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There's three women eating popsicles..

The first takes it, looks at it closely and begins to suck it.  The second woman stops for a second, and then without thinking starts to suckle it. The last woman looks at both of them and then bites it.
Which of the women is married?
The one with the ring, clearly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4sx64/theres_three_women_eating_popsicles/
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Dad: *washes car with his son*

Son: "You know, we could just use sponge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4sm94/dad_washes_car_with_his_son/
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Why did the restaurant on the moon only get a three star review?

The food was great but there was no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4sjcc/why_did_the_restaurant_on_the_moon_only_get_a/
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There once lived a great detective...

There once lived a great detective named Stewart. He was the best detective of his time. But he was no ordinary detective. He could solve every case he encountered with the help of the magical powers bestowed to him by a fairy.
The fairy gave him the power to gain insight on any case by thinking about the case and ejaculating in a special cup. By understanding the clues his semen gave him, he could instantly solve the case.
One day Patrick, the legendary horse rider was suspiciously found dead after winning the championship. Stewart was called to solve the case. This was a tough one.
After reaching the crime scene, Stewart excused himself to the washroom. No wonder he resorted to his trick which only he knew,  and started to rub one out thinking about the case.
The semen gathered in the cup to form the clues, like they always have. Stewart deciphered the clues and to his surprise, the body was a fake, and Patrick had been kidnapped.
The kidnappers had laid out a brilliant plan to profit from Patrick through underground races but were eventually caught. The kidnappers were stunned. It was the perfect crime. They asked the detective. "But.. but how?"
The detective replied:
"The real jock is always in the cum hints"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4si43/there_once_lived_a_great_detective/
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I'm not a huge fan of innuendos.

But I do like to slip one in every now and then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4sfk1/im_not_a_huge_fan_of_innuendos/
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A dad and his son are playing together

The kid suddenly asks:
"dad if you're not Asian and mom isn't neither why do I look Asian? Am I adopted?"
The father, not being sure how to answer says:
"No son, unfortunately no..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4sdc1/a_dad_and_his_son_are_playing_together/
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My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9

Personally, I prefer it without the period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4s9w1/my_girlfriends_favourite_position_is_69/
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Why are cows scared of cars?

They're afraid they might end up on the grill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4s1hu/why_are_cows_scared_of_cars/
%
How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4s0cl/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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A woman is in a car crash and is in a coma in hospital

Days, then weeks, then months go by with no sign of life or improvement. They were at a loss and running out of ideas.
One day a nurse was in the room changing the lady's bedding and accidentally touched the woman's thigh. The nurse noticed that the woman's eyes flickered very slightly, so she ran to get a doctor.
The doctor came into the room and touched the woman's thigh and sure enough her eyes flickered a little. The doctor said to the nurse "I wonder if she's responding to sexual simulation" so he stroked her breast and the woman's eyes flickered again.
Very excited, the nurse ran to the phone and called the lady's husband and told him to come to the hospital straight away. The doctor explained the situation and suggested to the man that maybe, just maybe, if he were to give her oral sex, she might come out of the coma.
So the doctor and nurse left the man alone in the room with his wife and waited outside. Suddenly the alarms started going off and the woman was flat lining. The doctor and nurse burst into the room shouting "what happened, what happened?" to the husband. The husband looking confused said "I'm not sure, I think she must have choked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4rzvx/a_woman_is_in_a_car_crash_and_is_in_a_coma_in/
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Whenever I have sex with my German girlfriend she always rates me on a scale of 1-10.

Last night she kept saying “Nine, nine.” That’s the best I’ve ever gotten!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ry3j/whenever_i_have_sex_with_my_german_girlfriend_she/
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They should say "it's litmus" instead of "it's lit."

That way, you can differentiate the people who are basic and the people who aren't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4rwb1/they_should_say_its_litmus_instead_of_its_lit/
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A man jumps off a cliff with faith that God will save him

The man hits the ground full force and is left barely alive and bleeding out. A doctor passing by notices the struggling man and says, "Sir, I'm a doctor, please let me help you!" To which the man replies, "Get away from me! I have faith that God will heal me!" And the doctor walks away. Another doctor walking along sees the man and rushes to help to which the man still replies, "Get away from me! I have faith that God will heal me!" And the doctor walks away. A third doctor ran up to help, but was met with the same rebuke and shortly after the man breathes his last.
As the man wakes and finds himself looking at the face of God, he becomes angry and asks, "God, I have been faithful to you; why did you not heal me?" And God replies, "Dude, I sent you three doctors."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4rvqk/a_man_jumps_off_a_cliff_with_faith_that_god_will/
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Old gold

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ruqh/old_gold/
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Do you prefer your bagels toasted?

(Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4rnrc/do_you_prefer_your_bagels_toasted/
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What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a 1000 letters?

Post office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4rner/what_starts_with_a_p_ends_with_an_e_and_has_a/
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Cancer

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...
She was eaten by a giant crab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4rg7p/cancer/
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I dedicate this in loving memory of all those dads who never quit

And a quick disclaimer that smoking is injurious to health...
Shout out to my dad who went to get a pack of cigarettes and never returned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4rdv6/i_dedicate_this_in_loving_memory_of_all_those/
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Jedi Master finally named after being found dead from radiation poisoning in Ukraine

Obi Wan Chernobi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4r9dw/jedi_master_finally_named_after_being_found_dead/
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What makes 9 out of 10 people happy?

Gang rape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4r8kw/what_makes_9_out_of_10_people_happy/
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What starts with an M,

Ends with "arriage", and is a man's favourite thing?
Miscarriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4r7zx/what_starts_with_an_m/
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I have a step ladder.

Never met my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4qyvc/i_have_a_step_ladder/
%
What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4quqm/what_do_you_call_a_dog_magician/
%
Why has soccer suddenly become so popular in America?

If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d bring my friends to the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4qu8y/why_has_soccer_suddenly_become_so_popular_in/
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My girlfriend told me to go out & get something that makes her look sexy.

so, I got drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4qu1h/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_go_out_get_something/
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Do you know why americans are bad at chess?

they dont have 2 towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4qtoo/do_you_know_why_americans_are_bad_at_chess/
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How do Asians make love?

First they dim sum lights
(Courtesy of my little brother)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4qqi9/how_do_asians_make_love/
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What are the best 10 years of a blonde's life?

Third grade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4qkix/what_are_the_best_10_years_of_a_blondes_life/
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[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4qi5z/nsfw_so_yesterday_i_went_out_side_and_punched_a/
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What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4qhqi/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_half_a_brain/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."
Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.
The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."
Poof! The redhead gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4qgt3/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stuck_on_an/
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How do blondes' brain cells die?

Alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4qex5/how_do_blondes_brain_cells_die/
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My dad gave me the sex talk today

He said condoms are for fucking pussies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4qd03/my_dad_gave_me_the_sex_talk_today/
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My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4qake/my_sister_bet_me_15_that_i_couldnt_build_a_car/
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Gary Oldman

I Will never ever forget the R next time i wanna google a picture of Gary Oldman ,..............

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4q50q/gary_oldman/
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People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.

But take a look at me now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4py9k/people_said_id_never_get_over_my_obsession_with/
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So the dude dies and gets to the Heaven's Gate...

... where St. Peter tells him that he didn't do anything particularly good or bad in life, so he actually gets to choose whether he goes to Hell or Heaven. He's even kind enough to offer him a tour to both places, so he has a better idea.
So first, he starts with Heaven. Which is really nice. Blue skies, heavenly music, angels and all. Everything you imagine Heaven to be.
"Alright, that's cool. But what is the Hell like?"
They go down and it turns out pretty awesome! Rock music everywhere, great clubs, gorgeous girls, all kinds of drinks and entertainment.
"Well, ain't that amazing? Thanks, Peter. The Heaven sure is nice, but I think I'm going to Hell, this seems like a very cool place to be".
So the acolytes take him to Hell and throw into a huge cauldron with a boiling tar. Absolutely stunned, he screams in disbelief:
"What's going on here?! I thought Hell was great??"
"Hey, that was tourism. Now you're an immigrant".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4pxf9/so_the_dude_dies_and_gets_to_the_heavens_gate/
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A Man is on a date with a woman

and they pass by a pond that has swans in it. The woman tells the man that she can speak to animals. The man thinks to himself, wow I can't believe it. He tells her,
"Prove it."
So, she turns to the swan that is resting by the shore of the pond and yells,"Hey swan, fuck you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4pq74/a_man_is_on_a_date_with_a_woman/
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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4plxr/on_my_first_day_in_prison_my_cellmate_said_to_me/
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Two men walked into a bar...

....The first man said “Can I have some H2O please.” The second man said “I’ll  have some H2O2 please.”
The second man died.
Edit 2: H2O2 is hydrogen dioxide and kills you even though your body produces it for no reason and then produces an enzyme to break it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4pcxq/two_men_walked_into_a_bar/
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Bro

"Bro?"
"Yeah Bro?"
"Give me a pamphlet Bro."
"Brochure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4p8gi/bro/
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How do you know when you've found the Anti-Christ?

He turns your wine into water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4p0iy/how_do_you_know_when_youve_found_the_antichrist/
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Girls with parkinsons must really love giving handjobs

They just can’t stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ou36/girls_with_parkinsons_must_really_love_giving/
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A teacher asks students, "Who can tell me what are the most flammable materials?"

Jewish Student: Me Me Me
Teacher: okay, what else?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4osfl/a_teacher_asks_students_who_can_tell_me_what_are/
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If plants had wifi, we'd be planting them everywhere!

Too bad they only make the oxygen we need to live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4op23/if_plants_had_wifi_wed_be_planting_them_everywhere/
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Rusty old bookstores...

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?
Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4okdv/rusty_old_bookstores/
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I once lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immidietly went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman. Not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4obxr/i_once_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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What did Adam say to Eve?

Stand back, I don't know how big it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4o9mt/what_did_adam_say_to_eve/
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Did you hear about the man with a foot fetish that was terrible in sports?

He enjoys defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4o54k/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_a_foot_fetish/
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A psychic dwarf escapes from prison

The report went out for a small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4nza3/a_psychic_dwarf_escapes_from_prison/
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What did the father tree say to his son when he was ready to move out?

Boy, don’t forget your roots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ny3x/what_did_the_father_tree_say_to_his_son_when_he/
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Things got spicy after I touched my girlfriend's rack.

I didn't realize it was broken on one side... what a waste of thyme!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4nx10/things_got_spicy_after_i_touched_my_girlfriends/
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A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded handgun...

Enraged, he raises the pistol into the air and shouts, "which one of you bastards had sex with my wife?!"
The bar falls silent. After what seems like an eternity, a man in the back replies:
"You don't have enough bullets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4nufl/a_man_walks_into_a_crowded_bar_with_a_loaded/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4nq1j/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Are you a horrible person?

Just date a color blind person.
***They will never see your true colors.***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4n52d/are_you_a_horrible_person/
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There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor

of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4n1oa/there_was_this_construction_worker_on_the_3rd/
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What kind of beer does a Canadian drink while urinating?

An I pee ey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4mzcb/what_kind_of_beer_does_a_canadian_drink_while/
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I've just got back from the hospital where the nurse asked me " Could you masturbate in the cup?"

I thought, I'm good, but I'm not quite competition standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4myuh/ive_just_got_back_from_the_hospital_where_the/
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First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered in a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4mx5v/first_year_students_at_medical_school_were/
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My wife caught me in the kitchen with a gun

"What are you doing waving a gun around?" she asked
"Hunting Decepticons - they can be hiding anywhere!" I replied.
She started laughing, I started laughing, and then the toaster laughed so I shot it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4mumm/my_wife_caught_me_in_the_kitchen_with_a_gun/
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I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4mqsk/i_finished_with_my_ex_girlfriend_due_to_her/
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I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..

Talk about short arms long pockets...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4mi8h/i_went_drinking_with_a_bunch_of_kangaroos_last/
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I went to a costume party dressed as an egg and

made out with a guy dressed as a chicken. A lifelong paradox of the humankind was answered that day.
It was the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4mgq1/i_went_to_a_costume_party_dressed_as_an_egg_and/
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I got a sexual harasser fired today

Is anyone hiring right now? Im a very hands on learner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4mft5/i_got_a_sexual_harasser_fired_today/
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A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night

Oof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4md9o/a_storm_blew_away_25_of_my_roof_last_night/
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So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ma3p/so_i_hear_they_are_going_to_start_using_bio/
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One man calls the clinic to get results from his wife's blood tests.

On the other end of the line, the doctor asks him, "What is your wife's name?"
"Sarah Cohen" replies the man.
The doctor examines his medical records and says, "On the day of the examination, I had three patients named Sarah Cohen. Maybe you have her ID number?"
"No" replies the man.
"Well," says the doctor, "I'll tell you this: one woman has heart problems, one has Alzheimer's, and the other has AIDS.
"Jesus Christ, how can I know?"  The man asks anxiously.
"It's simple," replies the doctor. "Send your wife to run around the building,
If she comes back, do not sleep with her ... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4m99r/one_man_calls_the_clinic_to_get_results_from_his/
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Why did the half-blind man fall down the well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4m4qw/why_did_the_halfblind_man_fall_down_the_well/
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Today in class, we were supposed to draw the French flag.

For some reason, the paper my teacher gave me already had the flench flag on it so I just submitted it.
Why did he mark the work as unattempted? It was all white already...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4lxor/today_in_class_we_were_supposed_to_draw_the/
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Toy story.

Andy's mum's toys had the same names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4lq0l/toy_story/
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Yesterday I met my friend from Slovakia.

He had just opened up a trampoline park near the border there, yet he seemed saddened by something when I walked in.  He looked up at me with tired eyes so I asked him what was wrong:
‘What’s the matter?’ I asked.  ‘There are many people here, surely business is doing well?’
He replied with a heavy sigh, ‘The ceilings here are too low and the young local people from around here can jump so high that they keep hitting the ceiling!  What on earth am I supposed to do and what happens if the roof cracks!?’
The answer seemed simple to me, ‘Surely with all this money coming in you can pay someone to raise the ceiling - you must have enough to pay it off...’
He replied, still disheartened, ‘That may be true, but we’ve had an influx of visitors from across the border in Prague - they don’t tip well and I barely even break even when they come around!’
Resigned to his fate, taking a deep breath and looking down, he said to me:
‘The amount of local visitors may be through the roof but the Czechs keep bouncing.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4lpfj/yesterday_i_met_my_friend_from_slovakia/
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What do you call a famous geologist?

A rock star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4loow/what_do_you_call_a_famous_geologist/
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A father and son are having a heated argument

The son storms off and shouts, "Jim Morrison was a shitty lyricist!"
The father replies, "What did I tell you about slamming Doors in my house?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4lkmo/a_father_and_son_are_having_a_heated_argument/
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What begins with "M" and ends with "arriage" and is a mans favorite thing?

Miscarriage.
The joke never gets old, just like the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4lhj4/what_begins_with_m_and_ends_with_arriage_and_is_a/
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God and Jesus were hashing out the final details of his life on earth.

"The only thing remaining is to decide upon your mode of death," said God. "Which do you prefer, crucifixion or killer bees?"
Jesus thought about it for a few minutes and said, "I think I will go with crucifixion."
And that's why Catholics around the world make the sign of the cross instead of running around, swatting themselves furiously and screaming "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4lcs1/god_and_jesus_were_hashing_out_the_final_details/
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My middle eastern friend was held at gunpoint.

He told me he was able to get out of the situation,
I asked him, “How?”
He said
“Iran”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4l54f/my_middle_eastern_friend_was_held_at_gunpoint/
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"What're you looking for?" the cheerful salesperson asked me.

I replied, "Because if I don't, I bump into things."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4l34r/whatre_you_looking_for_the_cheerful_salesperson/
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What do you call going out with someone from Canada?

A canadate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4kzl0/what_do_you_call_going_out_with_someone_from/
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Q: Why don't robots have brothers?

A: Because they all have trans-sisters.
^^^thanks ^^^tumblr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4krt5/q_why_dont_robots_have_brothers/
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When we got married 50 years ago my wife and I made a pact...

In our life together, I would make all of the big decisions and she would make all the little decisions. For 50 years that held true and is why our marriage has been so successful. The most peculiar thing is that in those 50 years there hasn't even been one big decision!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4kq5b/when_we_got_married_50_years_ago_my_wife_and_i/
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I was blind, so my friend suggested me to learn programming.

Now I csharp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4kpop/i_was_blind_so_my_friend_suggested_me_to_learn/
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I'm waiting at a governmental office...

Still waiting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4kn9f/im_waiting_at_a_governmental_office/
%
My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up.

I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4kg1l/my_son_told_me_he_wanted_to_be_an_oyster_shucker/
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Grampa what are you reading?

- A history book.
- But that’s a porn book!
- Perhaps for you, for me it is history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4kbr9/grampa_what_are_you_reading/
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A man with a gun bursts into a bar

He shouts "which one of you fuckers slept with my wife"
A voice from the back calls back "you haven't got enough bullets mate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4kbpj/a_man_with_a_gun_bursts_into_a_bar/
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My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4k7v1/my_mum_used_to_feed_me_alphabet_soup_when_i_was_a/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4k7en/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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A pregnant lady.

A lady who was pregnant with triplets was walking down the street one night and got robbed. She refused to give the robber any money so she was shot 3 times in the stomach. Miraculously she and all three children survived. She eventually have birth to two females and one male.
14 years later, her first daughter came up to the lady crying and freaking out. "Mom mom I was peeing and a bullet game out." The lady calmed her daughter down and explain to her what happened.
A week later her second daughter came up to the lady freaking out. " mom mom I had my first period and a bullet came out" she calmed her daughter down and explain what happened.
A week after and her son come up to her crying and freaking out. The lady says. "Let me guess... You were peeing and a bullet came out"
"No" said the boy " I was playing with myself and I shot the dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4k6ge/a_pregnant_lady/
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Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
One friend further asked, ‘But your wife is also slim and energetic?’
Grandpa said, ‘that is another secret, my wife use to follow me behind checking whether I go for 5 kms or sit in a park!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4k2kl/grandpa_was_celebrating_his_100th/
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Girl at the bar

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me."Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose.""Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?""Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best.""Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4k1xi/girl_at_the_bar/
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What happened to the 30 when it got hungry?

38

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4jw75/what_happened_to_the_30_when_it_got_hungry/
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An English man got his legs blown off

Another man runs up and says "oh my god where are your legs?!"
The English man say "I dunno, I'm bloody stumped"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4jabb/an_english_man_got_his_legs_blown_off/
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There was this company names "sofa king". But we didn't buy anything from them because...

the prices were sofa king high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4j5n2/there_was_this_company_names_sofa_king_but_we/
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What does a prehistoric farmer ride in the fields?

A Velocitractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4j0r8/what_does_a_prehistoric_farmer_ride_in_the_fields/
%
Where do necrophiliacs watch porn?

MournHub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4j0a9/where_do_necrophiliacs_watch_porn/
%
Chinese man: Don’t shoot it’s me!

Man with gun: It’s you who?
Chinese man: Yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4iywe/chinese_man_dont_shoot_its_me/
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A man was walking down the street

when he passed by a tall wooden fence and heard a strange chanting on the other side.
"Ten! Ten! Ten! Ten!" was the chant from what sounded like a group of people.
Curious, he searched for a peep hole. When he found one, he peered through to see what was on the other side.
Suddenly a finger poked him in the eye.
"Eleven! Eleven! Eleven! Eleven!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4iy2u/a_man_was_walking_down_the_street/
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A man and woman were having fun in bedroom

But suddenly the husband comes home.
"Oh god no, my husband's home. Quickly take your stuff and get out."
And the woman exits from the backdoor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4irjh/a_man_and_woman_were_having_fun_in_bedroom/
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3 men stumble upon a cannibal tribe

The cannibal king caught 3 people. He tells them to bring 10 of each fruit, and he'll set them free. The first brings 10 apples. The king says, good job, but I changed the rules, you have to shove all of your fruit in your rear. You can't make any sounds also when you are doing it. He tries to do it, but only gets half way through the 2nd Apple  before he lets out a huge scream. The king kills and cooks him. The second comes back with grapes. He gets until the 9th grape until he bursts out laughing. In heaven, both the men meet up and the first man says "They were grapes! You could've easily done that!" He said " I know, but the 3rd man came out with watermelons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4iqms/3_men_stumble_upon_a_cannibal_tribe/
%
I'd always roll into class late super stoned or hung over, id try to sneak to my desk without people noticing

I really was a bad kindergarten teacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4iogt/id_always_roll_into_class_late_super_stoned_or/
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3 men are sent to hell...

All of the men are like "Why am I in hell when Satan arrives
Satan: You will now come into my kingdom for eternal torture
Man 1: Wait, I didn't do anything bad during my life, isn't there some way I can get into heaven?
Satan: Well, If all of you three can withstand 10 whips to your back then I'll let you go. I'm even feeling a bit generous, so I'll let you cover your back with anything you want.
The first man sees a big rock and puts it on his back.
Man 1: Go ahead Satan, show me what you got!
The rock proceeds to crack on the first whip.
Man 1: Ok, I'm fine, I'll stay down here in hell.
Satan: So do you want to cover your back with anything?
Man 2: You know what? I don't need anything, I've been training my whole life withstand pains like these.
The man amazingly gets through all of the whips and is allowed in heaven.
Satan: So what will it be for you?
Man 3: Well, let me think for a while
The man thinks for a while and then Satan asks again
Satan: Hurry Up! Do you want to cover your back with anything?
Man 3: Yes, I would like my back to be covered by the second mans back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4imj4/3_men_are_sent_to_hell/
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I like my women how I like my guitars

I fucking shred them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ifl6/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_guitars/
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Auto-correct really makes poor assumptions at times

Why would anyone think I'd want to stick my dick in a fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4icw8/autocorrect_really_makes_poor_assumptions_at_times/
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What do you call children in China?

Euthanasia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4iayq/what_do_you_call_children_in_china/
%
If your girlfriend starts smoking...

...I would highly advise slowing down and using some lube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4iaoh/if_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
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CHRIS: Hey, can I borrow a ten?

**KRISTEN**: sure
**CHRISTEN**: thank you
**KRIS**: anytime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ia8w/chris_hey_can_i_borrow_a_ten/
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The m1 Garand was the backbone of American infantry.

It's semiautomatic nature changed every ding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4i4vw/the_m1_garand_was_the_backbone_of_american/
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What's the difference between a warm sweet potato and a thrown pig?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4i3xm/whats_the_difference_between_a_warm_sweet_potato/
%
List all odd integers from 1 to 20

1, 3, 5, 7, George Bush, 13, 15, 17, 19.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4hzlx/list_all_odd_integers_from_1_to_20/
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Simple Simon met a Pie-Man on his way to the fair. Simple Simon said to the Pie-Man "What have you got there?" and the Pie-Man said

"Pies you stupid fuck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4hxm8/simple_simon_met_a_pieman_on_his_way_to_the_fair/
%
Jesus walked in a motel...

the guy asked him, Can I help you?  Jesus put three nails on the counter and said, "Can you put me up for the night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4htnt/jesus_walked_in_a_motel/
%
I made a portrait of my cat using saliva.

It was a spitting image.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4hs5w/i_made_a_portrait_of_my_cat_using_saliva/
%
How does an elephant come out of a lake?

Wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4hqmq/how_does_an_elephant_come_out_of_a_lake/
%
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?

This question reveals that you are still thinking waterfall. For a more agile approach, ask e.g. "When will the scrum master call the janitor?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4hqic/how_many_software_developers_does_it_take_to/
%
Everyone told Beethoven to give up because he was deaf

of course he didn't listen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4hlb3/everyone_told_beethoven_to_give_up_because_he_was/
%
A new pirate walks on a boat...

He ask the second in command-how did the captain lose his leg?
Second in command-got in a fight with a croc, you should see the other guy he was huge.
New pirate-what about his hand?
Second in command-he was going for the nose of a shark, it went a little wrong.
New pirate-and his eye?
Second in command-bird shit is his eye.
New pirate-really?
Second in command-yeah it was his first day with the hook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4hcip/a_new_pirate_walks_on_a_boat/
%
How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know yet but it has to be more than eight because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4hbhq/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Ultimate Weight Loss Program

Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4hasc/ultimate_weight_loss_program/
%
I don't often tell Dad jokes

but when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4haik/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
%
Good old #59123

A young man named Dave received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. Dave tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, Dave was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Dave shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and even ruder. Dave, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, Dave quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Dave's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
Dave was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4h9qb/good_old_59123/
%
My friend tried to show me a Reddit post I’ve seen before.

I said I already Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4h7sf/my_friend_tried_to_show_me_a_reddit_post_ive_seen/
%
Two car salesmen are sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, this economy sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4h71y/two_car_salesmen_are_sitting_at_the_bar/
%
Why did Shakira marry a soccer player?

For his stamina - mina - eh! eh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4h3dg/why_did_shakira_marry_a_soccer_player/
%
Didn't you hear? Everyone who has ever loved you just died.

My deepest condolences for the loss of your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4h1gt/didnt_you_hear_everyone_who_has_ever_loved_you/
%
Before starting a family, most couples aren’t aware of the side effects.

When the baby arrives, they become apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4gyu5/before_starting_a_family_most_couples_arent_aware/
%
A group of french soldiers are stranded in the middle of the Sahara desert and are desperate for water and food...

In the distance over a sand dune one spots something: “Zere iz an oasis!”
The group run over but it was just a mirage.
The soldiers keep walking and just as things were getting more desperate one calls out: “Look! Iz zat an icecream truck?!” Unable to believe their eyes the group run to the top of the dune but realise they are all hallucinating and there is nothing there.
Things are starting to get really dire. The group keep walking and stumble into a  small tree covered in bacon.
“I do not believe my eyes, it iz a baco’ tree, we are saved”
Suddenly an unseen enemy jumps out and starts firing automatic gunfire and hits all the Frenchmen.
As the last one is dying he softly exclaims: “It waz not a baco’ tree. It was an ‘ambush!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4gyjn/a_group_of_french_soldiers_are_stranded_in_the/
%
This compressed file contains a dirty joke.

Sigh *unzips*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4gsev/this_compressed_file_contains_a_dirty_joke/
%
My wife and I went to the ocean recently and she swallowed a bunch of sea water. I was going to make a joke about her being salty....

But Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4gs5e/my_wife_and_i_went_to_the_ocean_recently_and_she/
%
All the vowels are having a masturbation contest.

They're trying to prove who would last the longest in bed, so they decide to start by seeing who can last the longest by themselves.
As they start, A finished within minutes, closely followed by O. Several more minutes pass, and U cant hold it any longer, climaxing. Y, deciding they didnt identify as a vowel today, wasnt present, leaving only E and I.
Both of them are lasting an incredibly long time, so the others start placing bets on who would last longer. O and U both place their eager on I, but A is confident that E will last longer. Then the time finally comes and I cant hold it anymore, and they lose, leaving E the champion.
Afterwards, O and U are asking A, "How'd you know, E was gonna win?"
A turned around and smugly said:
I always comes before E.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4goy1/all_the_vowels_are_having_a_masturbation_contest/
%
God and Jesus were ironing out the last few details of his life on earth.

"We just need to figure out your mode of death," God said. "We've narrowed it down to crucifixion or killer bees. Which do you prefer?"
Jesus thought about it for a few minutes and then said, "I think I'll go with crucifixion."
And that's why Catholics around the world make the sign of the cross instead of running around, swatting themselves furiously and screaming, "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4gmxd/god_and_jesus_were_ironing_out_the_last_few/
%
Why do they call it the American Dream?

Because you have to be asleep to believe it.
RIP George Carlin. He died 11 years ago yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4gl7o/why_do_they_call_it_the_american_dream/
%
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
“What are the three tests?" asks the man
“Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
“OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
“Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
“Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.  Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
“NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ghpr/a_new_guy_in_town_walks_into_a_bar_and_notices_a/
%
What do you call a God without self-confidence?

An atheist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4gfv6/what_do_you_call_a_god_without_selfconfidence/
%
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was Apple's and had *very* limited memory.

Just one bite and everything crashed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4g119/the_oldest_computer_can_be_traced_back_to_adam/
%
What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women?

Snow balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4fxd0/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snow/
%
IRON DEFICIENCY GANG RISE UP!

But not *too* fast.
Credits to u/wryreign

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4fn8k/iron_deficiency_gang_rise_up/
%
If you're not a part of the solution

You're a part of the precipitate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4fmx1/if_youre_not_a_part_of_the_solution/
%
What is a scientist's favorite type of gum?

ex-spearmint!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4fkbv/what_is_a_scientists_favorite_type_of_gum/
%
Got in trouble at school for this joke

So I'm in class and were doing civil rights and the teacher says to the class "so who can't walk freely in some community's" and i say back "handicap people".......Got a week of detention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4f9li/got_in_trouble_at_school_for_this_joke/
%
What's the difference between Group Therapy and Group Sex?

Group therapy you hear all their problems; group sex you see them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4f9ar/whats_the_difference_between_group_therapy_and/
%
I don’t know where I will be in a year.

I don’t have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4f6kd/i_dont_know_where_i_will_be_in_a_year/
%
A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"

The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.
10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.
The doctor calmly said : "great, now that we fixed your nose it's time to tackle that farting thing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4f4zy/a_woman_went_to_the_doctor_and_told_him_i_keep/
%
An Arab walks into a gay bar ...

Goes to the bartender and says shots for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ewpb/an_arab_walks_into_a_gay_bar/
%
The cops in our town are looking for a guy who keeps pooping on people’s yards at night.

The police are calling him Public Enemy Number Two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4eqc1/the_cops_in_our_town_are_looking_for_a_guy_who/
%
Someone told me I have anger issues.

So I slashed his tires

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4endo/someone_told_me_i_have_anger_issues/
%
What's E.T. short for?

Because he's got little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4edqh/whats_et_short_for/
%
If my house and the gas station are 1 mile apart

Why has it taken my dad 17 years to get smokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ed89/if_my_house_and_the_gas_station_are_1_mile_apart/
%
Women are like roses

They look and smell good but if you touch them wrong they’ll fucking stab you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4e9ud/women_are_like_roses/
%
What do you call a nun driving a car ??

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4e63z/what_do_you_call_a_nun_driving_a_car/
%
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over West Virginia

He looks down and sees a redneck on the porch of his trailer and shouts down to him
“Where am I ?”
The Redneck looks back up and shouts back,
"You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4e59k/man_in_a_hot_air_balloon_is_lost_over_west/
%
An Aussie walks up to a kiwi

Aussie: Hey bro, is that your dog?
Kiwi: Yeah.
Aussie: Mind if I talk to it?
Kiwi: Uhh, yeah chur, but dogs dont talk.
Aussie: Hey dog, how ya doing?
Dog: yeah good thanks mate.
The kiwi looks shocked.
Aussie: Is that your owner?
Dog: Yeah.
Aussie: Cool as, how's he treating ya?
Dog: sweet as aye, he feeds me, pets me and takes me for walks.
Aussie: sweet bro, hey you mind if I talk to your horse?
Kiwi, still stunned: uh, yeah sure, but horses dont talk.
Aussie: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: yeah good thanks for asking.
The kiwi is mesmerized.
Aussie: Is that your owner?
Horse: yeah he is.
Aussie: treating ya well?
Horse: yeah bro, he rides me, washes me, grooms me, feeds me, I'm living the life.
Aussie: Sweet as, hey mind if I talk to your sheep.
Kiwi: That sheep is a fucking liar!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4e4iq/an_aussie_walks_up_to_a_kiwi/
%
Pussy and Bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says, "Tell me."
He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand.
She asks him what they are?
He says, "Well, pussy and bitch."
She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement.
He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."
Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him, "Pussy and bitch."
Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy."
"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4e2pl/pussy_and_bitch/
%
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band

It was a pretty sweet gig, all i did was stand in the back and ting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4e29x/i_used_to_play_the_triangle_in_a_reggae_band/
%
My dad died recently.

He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type.
I’ll never forget his inspirational last words,
“Be positive”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4dz2m/my_dad_died_recently/
%
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

'elephino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4dd79/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_and_a/
%
My mother with dwarfism feels she is underpaid at work...

Apparently shes unsatisfied making mini Mum wage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4d2zy/my_mother_with_dwarfism_feels_she_is_underpaid_at/
%
Whatever you do, don't let anybody walk over you.

\- My friend when I attended the party dressed as a land mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4d24t/whatever_you_do_dont_let_anybody_walk_over_you/
%
A man was murdered by a necrophiliac...

He never saw him coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4d1oz/a_man_was_murdered_by_a_necrophiliac/
%
I loved last summer in Milwaukee.

I think it was a Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4d1el/i_loved_last_summer_in_milwaukee/
%
How did the octopuses win the football match?

Ten tackles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4d149/how_did_the_octopuses_win_the_football_match/
%
What did the RGB light strip say to the memory stick?

You're not very bright.  In fact, you're just DIMM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4cyas/what_did_the_rgb_light_strip_say_to_the_memory/
%
This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..." He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No." "But ah fuck ONE sheep...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4cwsd/this_scottish_farmer_walks_into_the_neighborhood/
%
I just lost 20% of my shirt

Shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ctzp/i_just_lost_20_of_my_shirt/
%
What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu

Raichu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4cqvv/what_did_raichu_say_when_it_saw_pikachu/
%
I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East.

I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4cp89/i_dont_get_it_people_still_worship_this_kind/
%
A man comes to a lawyer

and says:
- My friend, John, borrowed $500 from me and does not want to give.  How can I get money back in court?
- Do you have any written confirmation that your friend borrowed money from you?
- No.
- Hmm, then write him a letter in which you want to return you $1,000.
- But he took only 500!
- That's exactly what he will write, this will be a written confirmation for the court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4cp33/a_man_comes_to_a_lawyer/
%
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?

Brochure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4co3l/bro_can_you_pass_me_that_leaflet/
%
Yo mama's so fat she's attractive....

…. gravitationally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4cgvc/yo_mamas_so_fat_shes_attractive/
%
What is the least spoken language?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4cdqv/what_is_the_least_spoken_language/
%
I always said that physiotherapy doesn't work...

... but now I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4c9dk/i_always_said_that_physiotherapy_doesnt_work/
%
Which fast food chain would be a good basketball player?

Dunkin' Donuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4c76d/which_fast_food_chain_would_be_a_good_basketball/
%
Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4c0ls/please_send_help_i_barely_hacked_onto_the/
%
Marriage is all about making compromises.

For example, my wife wanted to paint our house blue and I wanted to paint our house red.
So as a compromise, we decided to paint our house blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4bzyg/marriage_is_all_about_making_compromises/
%
A woman walks into a bar

The barman says "hey can I get you a glass of whisky?"
The woman stares at him and says "I don't want a glass of whisky, I want a glass of piss"
The bartender says "I'll get you a glass of piss then"
The woman says "But I don't want a glass of piss either"
The barman says "Ohhhh, that's right, you don't want a glass of piss either"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4byle/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do gamblers drive?

a Chevroulette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4bybb/what_do_gamblers_drive/
%
A man was walking alone on a beach when he came across a pirate. The pirate asked him “where are your buccaneers matey?”. So the man replied:

“Under my buccan hat”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4btma/a_man_was_walking_alone_on_a_beach_when_he_came/
%
Art interpretation.

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?
"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4bsd5/art_interpretation/
%
My wife keeps telling everyone I’m kinda like Macgyver.

Always solving our problems with a knife and duct tape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4bsam/my_wife_keeps_telling_everyone_im_kinda_like/
%
An astronaut on the International Space Station is sat on the toilet. He looks out of the window and can see Mars very clearly.

He calls out to his friend on board to tell him to take a look too, but he doesn't hear him.
So he opens the door and shouts "Hey Mike, from here I can see Mars."
"That's nothing" replies Mike, "I can see Uranus".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4bo9r/an_astronaut_on_the_international_space_station/
%
My overweight parrot has just passed away

To be fair, it's a weight off my shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4bm2y/my_overweight_parrot_has_just_passed_away/
%
An Inkling kept making romantic advances towards me.

I guess she was trying to woomy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4bii2/an_inkling_kept_making_romantic_advances_towards/
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I¨ve lost 20% of my couch

ouch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4b7pn/ive_lost_20_of_my_couch/
%
One day a blonde went to the hairdresser...

The blonde ordered a trim but insisted that she absolutely could not take off the headphones she was wearing. The hairdresser declined and kicked her out of his barber shop.The blonde kept repeating the same request at different hairdresser’s until one finally agreed. As she was getting her trim the blonde fell asleep , the barber took this as an opportunity to take off her headphones , so he did. After he had finished her hair he noticed that the blonde girl was dead! He called the police and they arrived but while they were investigating the barber got curious as to what the girl was listening to that could be so important , so he took a listen and heard on repeat ; breathe in, breathe out  breathe in, breathe out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4b0yz/one_day_a_blonde_went_to_the_hairdresser/
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A man and a woman are driving down a road when a cop pulls them over

The cop asks the man(who is in the drivers seat)
"Do you know why I pulled you over"
The man replies " Is it because we are smuggling illicit drugs across the border,ran over 2 people and are speeding?"
The cop looks surprised because he only saw them speeding, he starts pulling out a weapon when the wife says
"Don't listen to him officer, he's drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ayxu/a_man_and_a_woman_are_driving_down_a_road_when_a/
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Patient : The composite you put in my teeth were too soft. I need something harder

Dentist : Im sorry I cant do that
Patient : What? Why not?
Dentist : I just cant. No hard fillings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4aswk/patient_the_composite_you_put_in_my_teeth_were/
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Chinese is a tonal language...

The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use.
This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations.
Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4arg6/chinese_is_a_tonal_language/
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Paul was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in Pattaya

After having great sex, she spent the next hour playing with Paul's balls - rubbing, stroking and cupping them.
Eventually Paul asks "Why do you like doing that so much?"
"Because I really miss mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ar5h/paul_was_lying_in_bed_with_his_new_thai/
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Reddit no longer has to fear the Catholic Church!

Now that it has turned 14 the priests are no longer interested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4am5f/reddit_no_longer_has_to_fear_the_catholic_church/
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You should never give a therapist space

A space is what seperates the rapist from therapist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ako8/you_should_never_give_a_therapist_space/
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A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.

He is obviously drunk.
So the bartender says to another man in the bar, "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and they stumble up the steps to his house the drunk almost having to be carried.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door, "Well, thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4ajze/a_man_is_in_a_bar_and_falling_off_his_stool_every/
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I've just been diagnosed with the big C

Dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4agmj/ive_just_been_diagnosed_with_the_big_c/
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WHAT DO WE WANT?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
**NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4a7xh/what_do_we_want_low_flying_airplane_noises/
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Dad Joke: What kind of bagel flies?

A plain bagel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4a0ym/dad_joke_what_kind_of_bagel_flies/
%
An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are stuck on a deserted island.

After a few weeks, they find a magic lamp and the genie gives them one wish each.
The Englishman decides quickly and says, "I wish I was back home in England with my family".
The Scotsman thought, hey that's a good idea and said, "I wish I was at home in Scotland with my family"
The Irishman thinks long and hard about it and then says, "it's pretty lonely around here, I wish those other two would come back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c49qix/an_englishman_scotsman_and_irishman_are_stuck_on/
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Bill Gates is having a conversation with Paul Allen.

Bill: "How come Bing failed?"
Paul: "Well, let me Goo..."
Bill: "Never mind."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c49kku/bill_gates_is_having_a_conversation_with_paul/
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I get treated like a god:

People completely ignore my existence unless they need something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c49dk7/i_get_treated_like_a_god/
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Why do Elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.
What’s the loudest sound in the jungle ?
Giraffes eating cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c49bcj/why_do_elephants_paint_their_balls_red/
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2 robbers break into a house

In the house, 4 people live there. A mom, a dad, and 2 kids. When the robbers break in, the parents say to the kids, "stand still, and just do what they tell you to do."
The robber hands the mom a gun, and holds one to her head, and tells her to shoot one of her kids.
She panicks, takes a deep breath, spends a couple seconds deciding, and shoots. But nothing comes out of the gun.
One of the robbers turns to the kids and says, "now you know who the favorite kid is. Do what you want with that information."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c499js/2_robbers_break_into_a_house/
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We all know Albert Einstein was a genius...

But his brother Frank was a monster!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c48xtj/we_all_know_albert_einstein_was_a_genius/
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The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.

The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 10th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a
passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!"
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c48ul9/the_coach_had_put_together_the_perfect_team_for/
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I hired a hooker the other day

She really sucked at her job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c48l29/i_hired_a_hooker_the_other_day/
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My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”

It was a third degree burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c48eyp/my_friend_said_you_have_a_ba_masters_and_a_phd/
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A traveling magician would perform on cruises

When performing, the captain's pet parrot would give away the secret to the trick, shouting out ' Its up his sleeve!' or ' Its a fake blindfold!'
The magician was exasperated, but could do nothing since it was the captain's pet. One day the ship hit an iceberg and sank, the magician found a piece of driftwood and climbed on board, only to see the parrot on it.
They drift in the ocean for days, not a word spoken between them, Finally, after 3 days, the parrot speaks, 'I give up, what did you do with the boat?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c48edb/a_traveling_magician_would_perform_on_cruises/
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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c48950/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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What does a bird say to another bird?

Oiseaup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c47vca/what_does_a_bird_say_to_another_bird/
%
We all know that 6 was afraid of 7 because 789, buy why did 7 eat 9?

Because you should have 3 squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c47usg/we_all_know_that_6_was_afraid_of_7_because_789/
%
I met an Australian network engineer

I asked him "do you come from a LAN down under?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c47tpn/i_met_an_australian_network_engineer/
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I've become obsessed with ridiculing a Nun's clothing

It's a really bad habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c47n45/ive_become_obsessed_with_ridiculing_a_nuns/
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Why shouldn't you trust the awning company?

Because they are shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c47lks/why_shouldnt_you_trust_the_awning_company/
%
I was born without a vagina...

The doctors say it’s normal though, considering that I’m a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c47awu/i_was_born_without_a_vagina/
%
A Swedish man, a Norwegian man, and a ravishing Danish woman are sharing a compartment on a train.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a kiss sound heard and after that a slap sound heard. As the train passes into daylight, Swedish man is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
Danish woman thinks, "I bet this Swedish man tried to kiss me in the dark, but he kissed Norwegian man instead of me and he slapped him."
Swedish man thinks, "I bet this Norwegian man kissed this Danish woman in the dark, but she slapped me instead of him."
Norwegian man thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can make a kiss sound and slap that Swedish pinhead again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c478eh/a_swedish_man_a_norwegian_man_and_a_ravishing/
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A man is consulting a psychologist

\- Tell me what are your worst memories. Start with the third one.
\- The mayor's goat escaped into the wood, so every man of the village went to search her. We searched all the day long and finally found her safe in the evening. Because she wasn't eaten by a wolf, the mayor organized a big party. But when everybody was drunk, we lined up and we fucked the goat in the ass one by one.
\- Wow, that's a really bad experience. What about the second one?
\- The mayor's wife went into the wood to search for mushrooms, but she still had not come back after several hours , so every man of the village went to search her. We searched all the day long and finally found her safe in the evening, she was just lost. Because she was safe, the mayor organized a big party. But when everybody was drunk, we lined up and we fucked the mayor's wife in the ass one by one.
The psychologist is shocked. But now that he want to know what is the first one. So he asks.
\- I got lost in the wood...
*I translated the joke form my language so I'm sorry if there is any English mistake*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c471t1/a_man_is_consulting_a_psychologist/
%
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy - “I have a baseball.”
Man - “That’s nice.”
Boy - “Want to buy it?”
Man - “No, thanks.”
Boy - “My dad’s outside.”
Man - “OK, how much?”
Boy - “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - “Its dark in here.”
Man - “Yes, it is.”
Boy - “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy - “$750?
Man - “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy - “$1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c470qe/a_woman_is_having_an_affair_during_the_day_while/
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Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop...

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c46zng/husband_and_wife_are_waiting_at_the_bus_stop/
%
The universe implodes

No matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c46u9k/the_universe_implodes/
%
I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c46seq/i_would_like_to_put_on_record_my_appreciation_for/
%
Two hipsters walk into a bar

The first one did it before it was cool and the second one did it ironically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c46r4z/two_hipsters_walk_into_a_bar/
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I was walking along a pavement when I slipped on dog shit..

..seconds later I saw another man do the same thing and fall down. As I helped him up I said "I just did that!"
He punched me in the face and called me a "dirty bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c46nt5/i_was_walking_along_a_pavement_when_i_slipped_on/
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I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?

It was about a weak back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c46m1l/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_my_spine_but_i/
%
When you a mathematician and you tryna calculate the curve on your ex girlfriend

f(x)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c46blr/when_you_a_mathematician_and_you_tryna_calculate/
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Empires are run by emperors, Kingdoms are run by kings

So Countries are run by...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4640s/empires_are_run_by_emperors_kingdoms_are_run_by/
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What does a French couple making love and an Ambulance have in common?

They both go OuiOuiOuiOuiOui.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c460p1/what_does_a_french_couple_making_love_and_an/
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Why are serial killers extremely rich?

I don’t know, I guess they just always make a killing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4607h/why_are_serial_killers_extremely_rich/
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My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley

I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c46017/my_boss_showed_up_to_work_in_a_brand_new_bentley/
%
A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest,

“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.”
The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?”
The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.”
The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?”
The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c4600v/a_man_goes_into_the_confession_booth_and_tells/
%
There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very much aggrieved because he had worked very hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to Heaven.
So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth.
An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”
The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The angel reappeared and announced that God had decided to make an exception and was allowing him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase, filled it with pure gold bars, and placed it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the pearly gates.
St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”
But the man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter returned, saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry- on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”
St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, “You brought pavement?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c45zga/there_once_was_a_rich_man_who_was_near_death/
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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi...

...for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:
“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.”
“They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: “No Jews, please.” "
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: “Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.”
“One is a Lieutenant Commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.”
“The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD, in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering, are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.”
“The third officer is also a Lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.”
“Finally, the fourth officer, also a Lieutenant Commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .”
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, “There must be some mistake.”
“No, Madam,” said the first officer.
“Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c45ywy/a_us_navy_cruiser_anchored_in_mississippi/
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3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.
Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."
The first blonde wished she was an excellent swimmer. And with a snap of the genie's fingers, her physique changed. She ran off and tried to cross the river, but the crocodiles ate her quickly.
The second blonde had to rethink, and decided to ask for a rowing boat, as swimming proved to be no option.Without hesitation a rowing boat appeared before their eyes. She got in, and rowed across. But when she was barely halfway across, the crocodiles broke enough of her boat to let it sink, and she too was eaten.
The third blonde had to think really hard. (Mind you, she took her time.)After a while, she exclaimed: "You know, I always wanted to try a different hair colour." and as soon as she was finished talking, her hair colour changed to brown.
"OH!" she then said "Look over there, a bridge."
I told it with fakir many times. They are known as devoted people, possibly with magic skills (albeit they're usually just illusionists), so they might just be able to grant wishes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c45twe/3_blondes_are_lost_in_the_desert/
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What's the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Yo Mama couldn't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c45spn/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_three/
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The girl I love is now a single!

She just broke up with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c45s56/the_girl_i_love_is_now_a_single/
%
Nice Legs...

A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c45pq0/nice_legs/
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A man dies at a young age and goes to heaven.

His only problem with the life he had was that he wasn't successful. Upon reaching the pearly gates, he was met by a beautiful young woman.
"You and I can have a great time in there, or you can climb the ladder to success." The man simply couldn't let the offer pass by. He placed a rock on his heart and climed the ladder located at one corner.
He reached another floor with yet another gate and is greeted by an even prettier woman.
"I can give you all the pleasure in the world if you go in there with me, or you can climb the ladder to success." The man was tempted but the idea of success was more lucrative.
He climbed the ladder and lo and behold, there was a bigger gate with an even prettier woman in front of him.
"I've been waiting for you all this time, let's go in there and we be experience the joys of heaven, or you can climb the ladder to success." She said, seducing him with her voluptuous figure and beckoning him. The man was in a state of dilemma. He couldn't think what to do. Eventually he decided that success was what he had been craving for his entire life. He climbed the ladder, anticipating the reward.
There was yet another floor but there was no gate there. A thick screen of cigarette smoke difussed the bright light and a huge bear-like man with a long beard walked towards him.
"Are you God?" Asked the man
"No" said the man "I'm Sess"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c45ozb/a_man_dies_at_a_young_age_and_goes_to_heaven/
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The Bus

The bus was crowded when the young lady got on, and a soldier attempted to rise.
The lady pushed him back gently, and he tried to stand once more.
"No, no, thank you," she said, pushing him back again.
"Please let me get up, lady," said the soldier. "I'm two blocks past my destination now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c45niq/the_bus/
%
Why are fire trucks red?

Because they are embarrassed to show the hose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c45hw7/why_are_fire_trucks_red/
%
A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals

Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????
General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..
Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c45cw6/a_couple_of_hours_after_trump_approved_offensive/
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At a Soviet-era doctor's office...

A man walks in and says: "Help, I've swallowed a pen!"
Doctor says: "No worries, you can have mine."
Next one comes in and says: "I can't take a piss anymore."
Doctor: "How old are you?"
Patient: "76"
Doctor: "That's around the time you'd run out of piss, yes."
Third guy walks in with his wife and says: "Doctor, I can't get an erection anymore."
The doctor orders his wife to get undressed and after a while says: "Don't worry, I'm not getting an erection either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c45ctp/at_a_sovietera_doctors_office/
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A new study shows that fertility is hereditary

If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won't either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c44zh0/a_new_study_shows_that_fertility_is_hereditary/
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(In bad taste)

As I lay in bed after sex I said,
"Am I a terrible husband? A terrible father?"
"Both," replied my daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c44rbu/in_bad_taste/
%
An elderly couple had travelled to Jerusalem.

During their travel to Jerusalem, the wife had suddenly died of heart attack.
The doctor told the husband, "It will cost roughly $100,000 for you to bring your wife back to your own country and hold a funeral there or $100 dollars to hold a funeral here in Jerusalem. Which one do you chose?"
The husband, after hours of thinking, replied to the doctor.
"I will bring her back to my county and burry her here."
The doctor who is suprised at such choice despite the cost, asked the husband why.
The husband replied, "Some long haired dude died here long time ago and came back to life in 3 days, and I'm afrad of, that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c44bgo/an_elderly_couple_had_travelled_to_jerusalem/
%
I heard Microsoft made taking a screenshot much harder

I guess you could call it a windowpane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c43znc/i_heard_microsoft_made_taking_a_screenshot_much/
%
Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the arkHIVES

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c43y3p/where_did_noah_keep_his_bees/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c43x0l/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
Two Blonde friends were walking through the woods and found a bottomless pit...

The first friend stated "that is a bottomless pit"
Her friend asked, "How can we be sure it has no bottom?"
They found a nice round stone and tossed it into the abyss and listened.
It made no sound.
They found a rather large rock and heaved it into the hole and listened, they could hear it bounce against the sides of the hole but still did not hear it hit the bottom.
Suddenly behind them they heard rustling bushes and jumped out of the way as
a sheep ran at full gallop from the bush and straight down into the pit.
They listened until the bleating of the ewe fell silent.
A Farmer ran up and asked, "I'm missing a sheep, have you seen it?"
The first friend said "Well, we did just see a sheep run into this hole."
The farmer exclaimed "That couldn't have been my sheep! My sheep was tied to a big rock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c43vbo/two_blonde_friends_were_walking_through_the_woods/
%
Where do cats go to on vacation?

Meowi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c43uex/where_do_cats_go_to_on_vacation/
%
The Fallout games are the most unrealistic games I've ever played.

I mean, how is there no Skyrim remastered for the Pip-Boy?
5/7 unplayable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c43qhc/the_fallout_games_are_the_most_unrealistic_games/
%
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant

🤪😂🤪🤣
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c43lpf/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant/
%
What’s the difference between a piano , tuna and a pot of glue?

Me:you can tune a piano but you can’t piano a tuna.
Friend: what about the glue?
Me: I knew you would get stuck on that!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c43h2o/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_tuna_and_a/
%
Invest on perfume businesses

It just makes scents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c43d2q/invest_on_perfume_businesses/
%
Which country listens to the most Bob Marley?

Yemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c437x8/which_country_listens_to_the_most_bob_marley/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c432yu/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
A couple of years ago, one night...

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don’t know Joseph THAT well, don’t even remember where he was from, but let’s just say I put my plans on hold to help with his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they’d bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn’t been for cotton eye Joe, I’d have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c432eg/a_couple_of_years_ago_one_night/
%
I love spoiling the plot of 'Dorian Gray'.

Never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c430jd/i_love_spoiling_the_plot_of_dorian_gray/
%
Courtesy of my 7yo daughter: What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A call from the ethics department and the immediate revocation of your grant funding!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c42zps/courtesy_of_my_7yo_daughter_what_do_you_get_when/
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I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern philosophies

Not because I bought cheap one-ply toilet paper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c42w5k/ive_always_thought_i_will_discover_my_inner_self/
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A guy walks into a restaurant to drink wine.

When the waiter comes he orders a 1980 wine. The waiter goes to the kitchen, there are almost every type of wine there but can't find a 1980 wine. So he brings a glass of 1970 wine to the customer.
The customer takes a sip from the glass and he says
"This a 1970 wine, go bring me a 1980 wine."
The waiter gets shocked and replies as "Sorry Sir, right away". Then he quickly goes back to the kitchen, this time he pours a 1990 wine to the glass.
The customer takes a sip and this time he goes
"This is a 1990 wine, go bring me a 1980 wine as I told you to."
This time waiter gets shocked and becomes a little angry. He apologizes again and goes to the kitchen. Waiter fills the glass with a mix of 1990 wine and 1970 wine and brings it to the customer.
The customer takes a sip from the glass and says
"Half of this wine is 1990 wine and the other half is 1970. I told you to get me a 1980 wine."
When the waiter hears this response he becomes more angry and gets back to the kitchen. He takes a new glass, pours both 1990 and 1970 wines and pees in it.
The customer takes a sip from the glass and becomes silent for a few seconds. Then he says
"Half of this wine is 1990 wine and the other half is 1970. Also you have kidney stones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c42uup/a_guy_walks_into_a_restaurant_to_drink_wine/
%
I proposed to my ex-wife

But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c42ub2/i_proposed_to_my_exwife/
%
Women really know how to hold a grudge...

My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c42tp3/women_really_know_how_to_hold_a_grudge/
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Baskin Robbin's have a new pussy flavoured ice cream

But be careful because it tastes like ass if you have too big of a lick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c42s9d/baskin_robbins_have_a_new_pussy_flavoured_ice/
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Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?

No strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c42mfz/did_you_know_tampax_gives_away_slightly_defective/
%
Periods are very important in sentence construction.

Example:
Mary had a party in front of her friends
Mary had a period in front of her friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c42k27/periods_are_very_important_in_sentence/
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An ant sees an anthill and wonders if it's for sale.

Shortly after, he sees a number of ants approach him.
He asked, "Are you the owners?"
They replied "We're ten ants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c42gxa/an_ant_sees_an_anthill_and_wonders_if_its_for_sale/
%
My career is absolutely on fire at the moment.

Only problem is that my career is accident and disaster prevention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c42g5s/my_career_is_absolutely_on_fire_at_the_moment/
%
Eyedrops. Com

It's a site for sore eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c42add/eyedrops_com/
%
My GF is a solid square root of 100

sometimes 10, sometimes -10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c41vsk/my_gf_is_a_solid_square_root_of_100/
%
Is it drinking alone if you're pregnant?

It will be if you keep drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c41qqn/is_it_drinking_alone_if_youre_pregnant/
%
Two drill bits meet on the street

- how is going? you look a little dull
- yeah I'm going trough a lot of stuff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c41o03/two_drill_bits_meet_on_the_street/
%
Why do you never see Elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c41ljv/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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It's said that you can burn up to a 150 calories during sex.

That's a very impressive amount to burn in 2 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c41inh/its_said_that_you_can_burn_up_to_a_150_calories/
%
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c41gp2/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
%
A man has some time off...

A man is told by his psychiatrist to have some time off so he decided to go off to Basque to spend some time with a family there to get away from it all. He spends a good few years there with a family with 10 children and enjoys himself tremendously. Feeling thoroughly relaxed and ready to go back to his world he asks the family if they'd like to send their 10 kids to his place in London so they can see the sights and see what it's like to live in the city, as a thankyou for all their help. They agree and several weeks later he picks up these 10 children from the station and takes them into London to have a look around. They go into a fantastic toy shop but all they're really interested in is the spinny doors! In fact they're so excited by these doors that they run around in them faster and faster! They run so fast that they get thrown out the door and into the street where they are instantly run over by a number 11 bus and killed.
And the moral of the story? Don't put all your basques in one exit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c41dx0/a_man_has_some_time_off/
%
Parallel lines- Two lines that never meet.

Like you and your crush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c41dtt/parallel_lines_two_lines_that_never_meet/
%
Why did the convertible car kill a man?

Because it's roofless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c411ko/why_did_the_convertible_car_kill_a_man/
%
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes
wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to
start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong
with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman
before?"
The old Jewish driver slowly answered, "Let me tell you
sumsing, lady. I wasn't staring at you like you tink. Dat
would not be proper."
The woman giggled and responded, "WelI, if you're not
staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you
doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell..... I am
looking, and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair
da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis
ride?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c40ryb/a_clearly_inebriated_woman_stark_naked_jumped/
%
What did the Muslim child say to his mother after it had been caught stealing the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c40qkn/what_did_the_muslim_child_say_to_his_mother_after/
%
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Ah, this one got me good :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c40pn5/if_a_child_refuses_to_sleep_during_nap_time_are/
%
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy

Then i fell down the stairs and lost it all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c40lim/my_physics_teacher_told_me_i_had_so_much/
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In an effort to keep the spark in our marriage alive, my wife and I have been going to our favourite restaurant for date nights....

She goes on Fridays and I go on Saturdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c40hyh/in_an_effort_to_keep_the_spark_in_our_marriage/
%
Who the fuck read my diary?

- Anne Frank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c40dh9/who_the_fuck_read_my_diary/
%
What is the best protein to give a Red Hot Chili Pepper?

Give it a whey, give it a whey, give it a whey now
OG post: /r/Jokes/comments/c3tld2/how_do_you_check_the_weight_of_a_red_hot_chilli/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c408h8/what_is_the_best_protein_to_give_a_red_hot_chili/
%
My wife keeps cheating

At monopoly, her boyfriend is pretty good though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c406rb/my_wife_keeps_cheating/
%
2 bros

Dude 1: Hey, bro
Dude 2: What do you need, bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass that pamphlet, bro?
Dude 2: Brochure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c404ws/2_bros/
%
My friend is a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac.

He stays up at night wondering if there's a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3zm6a/my_friend_is_a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball

They don't know where home is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3zl39/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
A blonde was walking down a river trying to find a way to get across.

She came across a blonde on the opposite side of the river, so she called out “Hey, how do you get to the other side?!”
The other blonde called back “You ARE on the other side!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3zjal/a_blonde_was_walking_down_a_river_trying_to_find/
%
There's a little boy and an old man walking through the woods at night. Little boy looks up and says, "I'm scared." The old man looks down and says..

"You think you're scared, I'm gonna have to walk out of here alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3zg1g/theres_a_little_boy_and_an_old_man_walking/
%
Knock Knock

Who's there?
Dude.
Dude who?
Haha, you said doo doo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3zfkp/knock_knock/
%
So my friend works at a casino and one day..

Wait is dice plural and die singular? Or is die plural? Well anyway he killed two people by mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3zevh/so_my_friend_works_at_a_casino_and_one_day/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3zd9e/knock_knock/
%
Violence is never the answer! Unless the question is...

What do you have if you have more than one violin?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3zak6/violence_is_never_the_answer_unless_the_question/
%
Vampires in a bar

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3z7jz/vampires_in_a_bar/
%
A time traveller asks his friend

, "I might host a party for my birthday last year, I regret not having one, what do you reckon?
The friend replies ,"yea it was alright".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3z21w/a_time_traveller_asks_his_friend/
%
What do you call a potion that turns you into an atheist?

A suspension of disbelief

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3yyji/what_do_you_call_a_potion_that_turns_you_into_an/
%
What is Barney's Facebook Password?

PleaseAndThankYou
They're the magic words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ytbu/what_is_barneys_facebook_password/
%
Got funky with your Grandma last night

You'd think the hardest part of it would be sticking it in the urn, but washing the ashes off was far worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3yspi/got_funky_with_your_grandma_last_night/
%
The hardest part honestly of me being a single stay at home mom

is probably the fact that I'm a 28 year old man with no children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3yqqg/the_hardest_part_honestly_of_me_being_a_single/
%
My band name is Good Question.

For example:
“What’s your band name?”
“Good Question”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3yom5/my_band_name_is_good_question/
%
What do you call a smart idiot?

An oxy-moron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ymfc/what_do_you_call_a_smart_idiot/
%
My local gym costs $120 for an entire year

That’s $60 per visit, not a great deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ykx9/my_local_gym_costs_120_for_an_entire_year/
%
What does an Australian call the bottom of his shoe?

His soul mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3yhxv/what_does_an_australian_call_the_bottom_of_his/
%
You know what they say about gambling

Just keep trying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3yhuy/you_know_what_they_say_about_gambling/
%
A man walks in on a child molester

He sits at a bench and says
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ye4y/a_man_walks_in_on_a_child_molester/
%
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3yddn/whats_the_difference_between_an_outlaw_and_an/
%
What do you call a Mexican mushroom?

un Puertobello

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3yb75/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_mushroom/
%
I keep asking what does LGBT mean

I can’t even get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3y8fa/i_keep_asking_what_does_lgbt_mean/
%
I want to die like my Grandfather....

Peacefully, in my sleep. Not like those in the car with him at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3y3yr/i_want_to_die_like_my_grandfather/
%
I feel really bad for homeless gay people...

...they don't even have a closet to come out of!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3y1if/i_feel_really_bad_for_homeless_gay_people/
%
Women on dating sites are so confusing!

They ask for a "genuine guy" then block you when you send.........proof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3xwwd/women_on_dating_sites_are_so_confusing/
%
What did the scarf say to the hat?

You go on ahead I’ll hang around here.
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3xvg8/what_did_the_scarf_say_to_the_hat/
%
How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

"Bench-appearo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3xt4h/how_does_a_conservative_wizard_summon_a_chair/
%
Avoid dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3xpyu/avoid_dangerous_cults/
%
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

You only have a vague recollection of what happens next.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3xocv/cardi_b_and_bill_cosby_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Man dies and goes to heaven

, he is greeted by an angel. The angel takes him to a room full of clocks. Surprised, the man asks the angel as to why there are so many clocks. The angel replies “Every man has a clock, every time he lies the clock moves one second”.
The man asks to show Lincoln’s clock. Angel says “here, it has moved only one second”. The man then asks to see JFK’s clock. Angel says “Here, it has moved a total of 5 seconds”.
Curious the man says “Where is Trump‘s clock?”
The angel replied “Oh! We don’t have it here, we use it in our office as a table fan!”
[sorry for bad grammar, non native speaker]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3xfs2/man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
Bad spellers of the world!

We must stand together and untie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3xei8/bad_spellers_of_the_world/
%
A Chinese fella bursts out of the janitorial closet and exclaims

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3x85b/a_chinese_fella_bursts_out_of_the_janitorial/
%
What does a mathematician do when they’re constipated?

They work it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3x6hx/what_does_a_mathematician_do_when_theyre/
%
Granma Ana

My granma Ana is a pretty big language enthusiast. So much so that even her name is an anagram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3x3ba/granma_ana/
%
What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

A pilot you racist fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3x2pl/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_flying_a_plane/
%
I hate golf...

My friends and I were out golfing for my first time.
They each got to hit the ball 50, even 60 times...
I only got to hit it 18 times!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3x1p5/i_hate_golf/
%
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous

I see a few new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3x1dt/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts_anonymous/
%
If anyone needs a boat

I happen to Noah guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3wyv4/if_anyone_needs_a_boat/
%
My friend is constipated.

He really doesn’t give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3wyfw/my_friend_is_constipated/
%
Got a tattoo of a one hundred dollar bill on my penis in honor of my wife

No one can blow a hundred bucks like she can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3wy3a/got_a_tattoo_of_a_one_hundred_dollar_bill_on_my/
%
I made a website for orphans as well.

But you need your parents’ permission before going online.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3wvwv/i_made_a_website_for_orphans_as_well/
%
We don’t sell to blondes

A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation.
To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV”
And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes”
Shocked the woman leaves and returns later in the day now having changed her hair colour to brunette. Once again she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV”
To which she is met with the same response “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes”
She begins to get irritated and heads out to get a new outfit- returning the next day in different clothes, with ginger hair, and a new haircut. She then proceeds to ask the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV”
To which he responds “sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes”
Now she is FURIOUS and heads out to plan the perfect deception. She once again changes her hair colour to black, gets a new haircut, changes her outfit, and even gets plastic surgery to look completely different in an attempt to buy from this shop.
She returns having looked nothing like she did the previous days and once again asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV”
To which he once again responds “sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes”
She lashes out screaming at the man “HOW ON EARTH DO YOU KNOW I’M A BLONDE I LOOK NOTHING LIKE I DID WHEN I FIRST CAME IN HERE”
“Because that’s a microwave” he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3wrd6/we_dont_sell_to_blondes/
%
My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2

He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3wqnk/my_grandad_killed_50_german_pilots_in_ww2/
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Therapist: It seems like you have acute marriage phobia. Do you know the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3wfrj/therapist_it_seems_like_you_have_acute_marriage/
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What do you call a midget that can pick up an elephant?

Sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3w97m/what_do_you_call_a_midget_that_can_pick_up_an/
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They say white people can't jump.

Well, I just got jumped by 3 of them, so I beg to differ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3w941/they_say_white_people_cant_jump/
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Women are like blackjack

I always go for 21 but end up hitting on 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3vyua/women_are_like_blackjack/
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What is wrong with modern society

So I opened a door for a guy and you would expect at least a thank you, but he just goes shooting out of the airplane instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3viaz/what_is_wrong_with_modern_society/
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What do call it when you hit two vapes at once?

Juul Wielding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3vfde/what_do_call_it_when_you_hit_two_vapes_at_once/
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First date

Girl: "So, what do you do in life?"
Guy: "Well, I'm currently trying to eliminate all cancers!"
Girl: "Oh my god, that's amazing!"
Guy: "Thanks! So, what's your sign?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3v7oe/first_date/
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I hate the rise of incest porn

When I search for hardcore furry scat porn I don’t want them to be related that makes it weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3v6go/i_hate_the_rise_of_incest_porn/
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An Arabic, an American, an Australian and an Israeli flew on an airplane

The pilot says in the mic: "Gentlemen, we are sorry but the left engine stopped working. We only have 3 parachutes left. decide between yourselfes who is going to jump."
The American takes a parachute and say: "We are the strongest nation." And jumps.
The Arabic takes a parachute and says: "We are the most intelligent nation." And jumps.
The Israeli tells the Australian: "Go take a parachute."
The Australian asks: "And what about you?"
The Israeli replied: "Don't worry the intelligent one took a sleeping bag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3v1rp/an_arabic_an_american_an_australian_and_an/
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My grandma always says that no one ever calls her.

For her birthday, I put one of those 'How's my driving?' bumper stickers on her car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3v01v/my_grandma_always_says_that_no_one_ever_calls_her/
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Knock knock...

Who's there?
Cantaloupe.
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe unless your honeydew too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3uxwd/knock_knock/
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A father says to his son

Father: Son, if you don’t stop masturbating you’re gonna go blind!
Son: Dad I’m over here...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3uxwf/a_father_says_to_his_son/
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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)
The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...
"Daddy, what does ass mean?"
"It means... beard."
Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard...
"Big sis, what does shit mean?"
"It means... coat."
In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard...
"Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?"
"It means... boys and girls.
In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard...
"Mom, what does fuck mean?"
"It means... cook."
The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them.
He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the shit rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3up28/the_boys_dad_was_shaving_his_beard_then/
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Read carefully

Life is a lie when you don't give a 'f'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3unkk/read_carefully/
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The woman mocked fat man on the beach..

The woman mocked fat man on the beach, clapping her big belly and saying, "Well, that's where the sixpack is. Was it heineken or something else?"
The man answered the woman:
"There's a tap under it, you can taste it yourself"
Sorry if my english is any bad, tell in the comments if there is any better way to say this joke :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3uhq9/the_woman_mocked_fat_man_on_the_beach/
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The wife asked me how may Motown groups I could name.

I said "Two...maybe three....Four tops"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3uhpr/the_wife_asked_me_how_may_motown_groups_i_could/
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What was Mark Zuckerberg's favourite game to play as a child?

iSpy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ugrq/what_was_mark_zuckerbergs_favourite_game_to_play/
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Subway

I was taking the Subway train due to the fact that it was the fastest way to work. I was going to have a presentation that day and nothing have to ruin it. At the last station where the train picked up the last passangers, a super hot and sexy women from Thailand sat infront of me. I was thinking to myself "please dont get a Boner, nothing more can ruin this day" but sadly, she got one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ug8y/subway/
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What do you call it when a chameleon won’t change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ufk8/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_chameleon_wont_change/
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God has been working very hard and needs a vacation

So Gabriel suggests he take a trip down to Earth, “After all,” says Gabriel, “You haven’t been there in forever and things have really been coming along.”
“Are you kidding me?” replies God, “Last time I went there, I banged some Jewish chick and they still haven’t stopped talking about it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ue1a/god_has_been_working_very_hard_and_needs_a/
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Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex.

“Timmy! Close your eyes and leave!” Timmy’s mom yelled.
“But... what were you doing?” Timmy asks.
“Well, your father has big beer belly, so I was jumping up and down on him to flatten him out!” The mother responds, nervous.
“Well, there’s no use in that.”
“Well, why not?”
“Because when you’re out shopping, the lady next door comes in and blows him back up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3u6h7/little_timmy_walked_in_on_his_parents_having_sex/
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I donated my kidneys

So a week ago i donated 1 kidney to the hospital they were really grateful and i saved a mans life.
So yesterday i donated 4 kidneys to the hospital and now the police wont leave me alone.
Smh
Ungrateful people these days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3u4n0/i_donated_my_kidneys/
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Why did the Asian kid get beat after his parents checked his blood type

His blood type was a B+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3u2i4/why_did_the_asian_kid_get_beat_after_his_parents/
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What is the difference between a feminist and a land mine?

A land mine accomplishes something when it is triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3tyqt/what_is_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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What did the devil get after eating too many raw souls.

Soulmanella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ttnm/what_did_the_devil_get_after_eating_too_many_raw/
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A brunette finds a genie

And the genie told her “anything you wish for, all the blondes will get double that.” So the brunette wishes for 100 billion dollars. “Granted, now all the blondes have 200 billion dollars”
The brunette wished for a nice house “granted, but now all the blondes have 2 nice houses.” The brunette glanced around and said “genie, see that stick over there? I want you to beat me half to death with it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3toc9/a_brunette_finds_a_genie/
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A man calles his home line from his office

The maid picks up
Maid: "Hello, Sir, how can I help you?"
Guy: "Can you please give the phone to your madam?"
Maid:"Oh no sir, Madam is making love with Sir"
The man is confused at this point
Guy: "But the owner of the house is me. Does that mean she is cheating on me?"
Maid: "I'm not sure, Sir. I was hired yesterday."
The man gets pretty angry and is planning to seek revenge. So, he tells the maid, "If you can kill  both of those cheaters and dump their bodies, I'll give you 100,000$.
After a moment the maid calls him back, " Sir, I have killed them and dumped their bodies on the swimming pool."
Guy : "Wait, I don't have a swimming pool. Oh sorry I might have dialed the wrong number."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3tngg/a_man_calles_his_home_line_from_his_office/
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I cooked my friend a steak, perfect medium rare.

He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3tmzi/i_cooked_my_friend_a_steak_perfect_medium_rare/
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How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3tld2/how_do_you_check_the_weight_of_a_red_hot_chilli/
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What do pro-life activists call a chronic masturbator?

Jack-off the Ripper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3tkcd/what_do_prolife_activists_call_a_chronic/
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I was diagnosed as colour blind today.

It came completely out the yellow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3thsu/i_was_diagnosed_as_colour_blind_today/
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There are two types of people....

and I hate both of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3tegm/there_are_two_types_of_people/
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Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?

He went to jail for Oolong time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3tb92/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_stole_thousands_of/
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We don't call them gas chambers.

We call them surprise mechanics.
- Nuremberg Trials 1945

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3tajk/we_dont_call_them_gas_chambers/
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A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister.
'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..
'You missed the Goddamn putt, didn't you?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3t9wt/a_nun_is_very_distraught/
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The guy who stole my diary has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3t9h4/the_guy_who_stole_my_diary_has_died/
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A farmers daughter wants to have a sleepover with three of her guy friends(NSFW)

The farmer agrees but when the friends get there he sits them down and tells them "ok I'll let you sleep at my house, but if you sleep with my daughter I will kill you" And he leaves them for the night.
The following morning he wakes up early to tend to his crops and finds them already awake in his living room.
So he sepparates them and tells them "ok I know you slept with my daughter so what you're going to do, is go into the field and pick two each of your favorite fruit and then come back" So the three sett off into the field.
The first guy comes back with two oranges and the farmer tells him "ok so what I want you to do is shove them up your butt and if you make any noise whatsoever I will shoot you". So the the guy gets to work and he gets halfway through the first orange and the grunts a little so the farmer shoots him, and he goes to heaven.
The second guy comes back with two cherries and the farmer tells them the same thing. He gets through the first cherry and is halfway through the second cherry when he starts to laugh uncontrollably, so the farmer shoots him and he goes to heaven.
In heaven the first guy and the second guy are talking and the first guy asks he second guy " Why'd you laugh you were almost there", the second guy says "well I saw the third guy coming back with two pineapples".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3syco/a_farmers_daughter_wants_to_have_a_sleepover_with/
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My friends tried to get me to do the limbo with them.

But I wasn’t going to stoop to their level. Why should I bend over backwards for them?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3sx2l/my_friends_tried_to_get_me_to_do_the_limbo_with/
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A man travels to Spain for vacation and decides to go into a restaurant.

After sitting there for a while trying to decide what to eat, he sees a waiter bring out a bowl of soup to the table next to him.
He tells his waiter "I'll have what he's having"
The waiter politely explains "that is the bull testicle soup and we only serve it once a day after the big bull fight in the city".
The man is disappointed but the waiter tells him that if he comes back tomorrow he will save it for him. The man gladly accepts and comes back the next day and orders the bull testicle soup.
After finishing the meal the waiter asks if he enjoyed it
The man says "it was amazing but I couldn't help noticing that the testicles were smaller than the one I saw yesterday"
The waiter then replies "well yes sometimes the bull wins"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ssbk/a_man_travels_to_spain_for_vacation_and_decides/
%
A man walks into an ice cream shop...

... and tells the clerk "I want a gallon of Vanilla ice cream, a gallon of Strawberry ice cream, and a gallon of Chocolate ice cream." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any Chocolate." "Ok then" the man continues "I want a quart of Vanilla ice cream, a quart of Strawberry ice cream, and a quart of Chocolate ice cream. The clerk replies "Again sir, I'm sorry but we don't any Chocolate." The man then says "Fine, I'll have a pint of Vanilla, a pint of Strawberry, and a pint of Chocolate." The clerk sighs, and pulls out a pen and paper. He proceeds to write Vanilla, Strawberry and Chocolate. He then says to the man "Sir, I don't know how else to explain this to you." He points to Vanilla and asks "Do you see 'van' in Vanilla?" The man responds "Yes I see that." "Do you see 'straw' in Strawberry?" "Of course." "Do you see 'fuck' in Chocolate?" The man then responds "There ain't no fuckin Chocolate!" "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" The clerk proclaims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3spdm/a_man_walks_into_an_ice_cream_shop/
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What do you call someone that looks exactly like your spouse?

A doppelbanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3sojy/what_do_you_call_someone_that_looks_exactly_like/
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My friends say I'm ego-centric.

But enough about them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3slzh/my_friends_say_im_egocentric/
%
A farmer's only donkey ran away in the forest.

He packed up a few days ration and ventured into the jungle to find his animal. He searched and he searched but he couldn't find it, so he decided to retire for the night. He climbed up a tree, tied himself to the trunk so he doesn't fall down.
Just as he was about to sleep, he heard some rustling below the tree. He looked down below and saw a couple making love in the nearby shrubs. The man was admiring the women's beauty with each thrust. He would compliment the woman's hair, her face, her legs and every part imaginable. He then proceeded to compliment her eyes, "I can see the whole wide world in those blue eyes, my love".
Our farmer from over the top barks, "Eyy mate, let me know if you see my donkey in them. Been trying to find that fucker all day long!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3siy3/a_farmers_only_donkey_ran_away_in_the_forest/
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European Heaven and Hell

In European heaven...
- The Italians are the cooks,
- The French are the lovers,
- The Swiss are the bankers,
- The Germans are the mechanics, and
- The British are the cops.
In European hell...
- The Swiss are the lovers,
- The British are the cooks,
- The Germans are the cops,
- The Italians are the bankers, and
- The French are the mechanics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3shp5/european_heaven_and_hell/
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Why did Paul McCartney quit the Beatles?

He drank RedBull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3scjc/why_did_paul_mccartney_quit_the_beatles/
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Why is it called "Boxing"?

Because "Fisting" was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3saw4/why_is_it_called_boxing/
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"Permission to continue eating this dead animal on the side of the road," said the young vulture to his supervisor.

"Carrion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3s8xr/permission_to_continue_eating_this_dead_animal_on/
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What do you call a three-footed Aardvark?

A yardvark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3s7sm/what_do_you_call_a_threefooted_aardvark/
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What do the testicles of a priest look like?

Silly question, every child knows that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3s74o/what_do_the_testicles_of_a_priest_look_like/
%
Why did the frog cross the airport runway?

To get out of the no fly zone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3s64n/why_did_the_frog_cross_the_airport_runway/
%
Why do stoners make great couples?

They finish each others sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3s0v1/why_do_stoners_make_great_couples/
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There are two types of people in this world:

1) those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3rnv9/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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A Man Walks into a Beer Store

A man walks into a beer store to buy a case of beer. He goes up to the guy at the register and says;
"Id like a case of beer, please."
"What kind of beer?" Asks the guy at the register.
"Any kind but Schlitz." Says the customer.
"Why not Schlitz?"  The guy at the register aks.
"I drank of Schlitz last night and i ended up blowing chunks."
"Well sir, thats going to happen to any case of beer you drink." Says the guy at the register.
"No Chunks is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3rmge/a_man_walks_into_a_beer_store/
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What do two bisexuals tell each other when it's time to leave?

Bi bi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3rf76/what_do_two_bisexuals_tell_each_other_when_its/
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why did the chicken cross the road?.2

why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the idiot's house!
knock knock
\-who's there?
the chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3rbr0/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road2/
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What was the cause of the musicians death? (don't know if it's been posted before)

Organ failure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3rbng/what_was_the_cause_of_the_musicians_death_dont/
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A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing.

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Color of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Color of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?
Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3rbj5/a_worried_husband_calls_the_police_his_wife_is/
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Two donkeys are standing at a roadside.

One asks the other: "Should we cross?"
The other shakes his head, looking at the crosswalk:  "No way, look at what happened to that zebra."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3r8pw/two_donkeys_are_standing_at_a_roadside/
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An Irishman goes to the doctor, and receives bad news.

During his routine medical check, Paddy asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."
Paddy said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
"Neither do I", replied the doctor, "But my thermometer just broke off in your arse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3r7i1/an_irishman_goes_to_the_doctor_and_receives_bad/
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A priest, a lawyer and a red neck walk into a bar.

The bartender says "is this a fucking joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3r6l6/a_priest_a_lawyer_and_a_red_neck_walk_into_a_bar/
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Been on a diet for two weeks

Proud to say I have lost 14 days of happiness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3r506/been_on_a_diet_for_two_weeks/
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I purchased new shoes from my drug dealer..

I don't know what he laced them with because I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3r0xx/i_purchased_new_shoes_from_my_drug_dealer/
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Reddit

Some people think that Reddit is full of subliminal advertising.
That's crazy.
But not as crazy as the low, low prices found at Dave's Carpets, High Street, Wolverhampton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qy51/reddit/
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Pretty woman sneezes...

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qy1v/pretty_woman_sneezes/
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Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.
To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks.
The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it.
"You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed.
The older man shrugged and said, "It's better than a fortnight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qv7c/two_men_were_washed_ashore_during_world_war_i/
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A man goes to a Mexican resturant after winning big in Vegas.

He decides he is going to order the most expensive item on the menu. When the plate is brought to him he asks what it is. The waiter responds with "Its the bull balls from the bullfight thats held every week. Whenever the bull loses we chop his balls off and serve them as a delicacy." The man is skeptical of the food but eats it anyways and he loves them. So the following week he brings his friend to the same resturant and orders his friend the bull balls. When the plate reaches the table the balls are much smaller than the previous week. The man complains to the waiter about the size differance to which the waiter responds "Well you see sir, the bull does not always lose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qu9z/a_man_goes_to_a_mexican_resturant_after_winning/
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Just had Little Richard round to trim the garden

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qtzz/just_had_little_richard_round_to_trim_the_garden/
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"This is your captain speaking..."

"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qtx0/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
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My wife rolled a big fatty last night

Later she told me that I snore too loud when I am on my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qsvm/my_wife_rolled_a_big_fatty_last_night/
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What do you call 5 black guys having sex?

A threesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qrk1/what_do_you_call_5_black_guys_having_sex/
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A stunt plane crashed at a cemetery

Rescue mission had already discovered 50 dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qrbr/a_stunt_plane_crashed_at_a_cemetery/
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I got to change the name of any country.

Now i live in Constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qr8k/i_got_to_change_the_name_of_any_country/
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I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.

She said "Try Sarah Topps!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qn1r/i_asked_the_librarian_if_she_knew_of_any_authors/
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When I was a young boy, a strange man came out of a time machine and punched me.

Jokes on him. I just invented a time machine and I’m going to go back in time and punch him when he was a little boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qmo1/when_i_was_a_young_boy_a_strange_man_came_out_of/
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My dentist has a TV on the ceiling so the patient can watch shows while he works

Netflix and Drill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qjw4/my_dentist_has_a_tv_on_the_ceiling_so_the_patient/
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I've seen a lot of shit in my day

said the plumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qjl5/ive_seen_a_lot_of_shit_in_my_day/
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I was feeling very lonely one day so I bought some stocks.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qfkm/i_was_feeling_very_lonely_one_day_so_i_bought/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qes6/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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So a doctor is sitting around after just having had sex with one of his patients and he’s feeling pretty guilty about it.

To make himself feel better he thinks “my other doctor friends have sex with their patients. Yeah, it’s not so bad.”  He starts to feel a little better, but he thinks about it a little longer... and he thinks “but then again, my other doctor friends aren’t veterinarians..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qc47/so_a_doctor_is_sitting_around_after_just_having/
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I made a website for Kamikaze pilots.

There's no landing page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3qadm/i_made_a_website_for_kamikaze_pilots/
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Where does a good Christian spaghetti go when he needs guidance?

To his local pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3q9s1/where_does_a_good_christian_spaghetti_go_when_he/
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What's the difference between a drone and an aircraft with 283 passengers on board?

You don't start a war when an aircraft with 283 passengers is shot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3q9n4/whats_the_difference_between_a_drone_and_an/
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I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.

That sentence was way too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3q9ky/i_once_knew_a_guy_arrested_on_drug_charges_and/
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tits a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3q71f/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
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What do you call a guy who lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3q4c5/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_lost_his_car/
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I made a website for orphans

There’s no home page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3q0em/i_made_a_website_for_orphans/
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What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can’t hear an enzyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3pz4n/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
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A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door...

...and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline." Have you ever used the product?'
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time,"
The researcher then asks, "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3pwl9/a_man_doing_market_research_for_vaseline_knocked/
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To put an end to the endless accusations, the Catholic Church has proposed that all priests shall be castrated.

If you ask me, they don't have the balls to pull that through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3pooc/to_put_an_end_to_the_endless_accusations_the/
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what the most useless thing ever?

a dislike button on a youtube comment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3phed/what_the_most_useless_thing_ever/
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A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen...

...named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?”
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.”
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish?”
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear,
“No, I Norwegian.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3pfu9/a_virile_middleaged_italian_gentlemen/
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A Jamaican fireman...

...came home from work one day and said to his wife: "Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I says Bell two' you jump on de bed. When I says 'Bell tree' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she stripped naked. 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed. 'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".
"What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied : "Roll out more hose, mon, you aint nowhere near de fire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3pe0b/a_jamaican_fireman/
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One in our group of friends is supposed to be gay.

I hope it's Dave, he's so cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3pape/one_in_our_group_of_friends_is_supposed_to_be_gay/
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What’s the most sensitive part of the human body when masturbating?

The ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3pahf/whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_the_human_body/
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My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during World War II

He was the worst mechanic the luftwaffe had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3pabe/my_grandfather_personally_killed_30_german/
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3 men are stranded in a boat...

with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3p5kk/3_men_are_stranded_in_a_boat/
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What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle, and a poorly-dressed man on a bike?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3p2yd/whats_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_man_on/
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An anthropologist is completing his lifelong study of world dance...

And he's celebrating. Celebrating his tail off.
See, he'd spent the last 25 years cataloging every single dance performed by every group in the world. Polish Bogarodzicas. Sioux Buckskin dances to Seminole Green Corn dances. Inuit dances to the whales, Ghanaian Kpanlongo, Finnish step-dance. All of it. And he's found himself in Australia, recording the last one of all. A Wungubal in the north, performed by a small group of Aborigines. He taped it. He wrote it down. He was finally finished.
He's had a few beers to celebrate this, and the bartender asks what he's celebrating. The professor tells him, and also decides to buy the bar a round.
A quiet man in a black suit and a bowler hat comes up to the bar, puts his hand on the anthropologist's shoulder, and whispers into his ear...
"You seen the *Butcher* dance yet, mate?"
The professor admits he hasn't. But since he's seen every dance, he's sure he's taped it somewhere. The gentleman in the hat says, "Noooooo, my friend. If you've seen it, you would remember it. It's only performed by this one tribe. Deep, deep, deep in the bush. Done by the Barrabarra tribe."
"But the Barrabarra have been extinct for half a century!"
"No, mate. There's 30 of them left. And they're the last ones to do the Butcher dance."
The professor puts down his beer, runs to the car to get his film crew, and they ask the man for directions. He just NEEDS to see the Butcher dance. The directions are long and winding, and they tend to go on geological features instead of any compass readings. Pages and pages of directions.
"Pass a stone shaped like a dead woman's hand. Climb into the valley cut by the knife of the gods. Walk 20 miles by the light of the brightest star..." etc.
They begin their trek. Days pass.
The better part of their sound equipment falls and shatters while they're climbing a gorge. After two weeks, he loses his first cameraman. Taipan bit him, and they were too far out to get any antidote. This utter tragedy only inflames the professor's desire, the price he must pay to see the mysterious Butcher dance. Their nights are freezing, their days are burned by the sun. And they finally come upon a fire within a circle of walled stone, surrounded by 30 shadowy figures.
The head of the tribe approaches, a gleam in his eye. His speech is thick and hypnotizing, an accent never heard on this earth.
"Youuuu....want to seeeee....the *Butcher dance*, hey?"
The professor nods.
"We do the Butcher dance. We did it last night."
They start to set up the camera. The chief says, "but. We only do it. Once. Per. Year."
A hush.
I mean, the professor knows not to argue. He knows he shouldn't make a scene. He's done this thousands of times. But he's never lost a friend, he's never come this far, he's never been this sunburned. With heavy heart, he stalks away in silence.
He gets a flight home. He sees his wife and children. He gets on with his life.
Months pass, but the dreams don't stop. He knows he will live a life of hollowness, a life of filling an unending hole, unless he can see this dance.
Against the advice of every friend he's ever had, he books a flight to Australia the next year. He even gets some of his old crew to come along. They're excited, they're ready, there's the spirit in the air of "well, we've come this far!"
And the excitement fades when they begin their trek.
It's every bit as hard as last time. In fact, due to a sudden sandstorm, they are delayed a full day. There's the chance that they'll miss it, that the dance won't be performed for another year.
Covered in bites and sand and blood, they stagger into the circle of walled stone. There are the 30 figures. There is the fire. A drum is pounding, pounding up to the stars. The chief sees the professor and grins.
"We doing it tonight. I thought I'd see you. Prepare....for the *Butcher dance.*"
The cameras are set up.
The sound is rolling.
The drums reach a monumental crescendo, mingling with their fevered heartbeats.
The chief pulls out a massive machete. He grabs a chicken that had been running around and he whocks off its head. He takes the still-moving body and slides the neck up his right arm. Bright crimson blood shines in the fire light. He does it on his other arm. He does it on his forehead. The drums fall silent.
The chief begins to sing. He sings...
..."Yooooooooou...."
...
..."Yooooooooou...."
...
"You *Butcher* right hand in. You *Butcher* right hand out...you *Butcher* righthandinandyoushakeitallabout...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3p22g/an_anthropologist_is_completing_his_lifelong/
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Another pirate joke

There was a pirate crew that sailed the open seas.
Another ship approached to initiate battle. The crew looks to the captain for instructions. "bring me my red shirt!" he cried and then went on to lead his crew to victory.
A week later two enemy ships approached to battle this captain and his crew. Again, the crew looks to their captain. "bring me my red shirt!" he exclaimed and went to again lead his crew to victory.
The crew asked the captain, "why do you always call for your red shirt before battle?" "because you won't be able to tell if I'm bleeding" he replied. The crew was impressed by his bravery.
Another week later 5 ships came to do battle with the famous captain. The crew looked to their fearless leader. "Bring me my brown pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3p1lr/another_pirate_joke/
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When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point.

She was shocked I wasn’t a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3p0mn/when_i_was_a_child_my_moms_nickname_for_me_was/
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My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3p06q/my_wife_and_i_have_an_agreement_i_dont_try_to_run/
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I hate Russian dolls

They are so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ozjg/i_hate_russian_dolls/
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Dildo!

#
A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
Salesman answers, "$35."
Blonde: "How much for the black one?"
Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
Salesman: "$35."
Black Woman: "How much for the white one?"
Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
Black Woman: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
Blonde: "Hmmmmm..., how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $165."
Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ox6f/dildo/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the Fresh Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ow3p/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it.
“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?”
“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.
The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was.
“This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself.
So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3or3l/a_man_is_lost_in_the_woods_and_it_is_getting_dark/
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

Just a coincidence?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ojht/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3oi9c/when_i_was_a_little_boy_a_strange_man_stepped_out/
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How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

Pokemon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3obml/how_do_you_get_pikachu_on_a_bus/
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I've recently come into a large amount of money

Now it's all stuck together and I regret it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ob2p/ive_recently_come_into_a_large_amount_of_money/
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No one ever said life is fair

Except that Russian guy who works at the fair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3o98o/no_one_ever_said_life_is_fair/
%
9/11 jokes aren’t funny...

The other 2 however are hilarious!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3o1i8/911_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Three guys are drinking in a bar.

A drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweeeeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
.
.
.
.
Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3nusb/three_guys_are_drinking_in_a_bar/
%
How did 10 die ?

It was in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3nu8z/how_did_10_die/
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A panda walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house.
"You owe me money," she says.
"For what?"
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: *Has sex for money*."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up."
She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: *Eats bush and leaves*.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3nu3y/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why do walruses use Tupperware?

They love a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3nu3n/why_do_walruses_use_tupperware/
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Rubber

A very old man with a walking stick gets on a bus, no seats available, he stands beside a teenager, who just looks at the old guy. Suddenly, the bus breaks hard and the old man falls flat on the floor.
The kid says:" Old man, if you had a rubber at the end of your stick, you'd still be standing"
The old man replies: "If your father had a rubber at the end of his stick, I'd be sitting..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3nc7s/rubber/
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Space isn’t as empty as we think. It actually contains everything in the universe.

Except a girlfriend for me apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3n7yp/space_isnt_as_empty_as_we_think_it_actually/
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What is the worst part of being a gay, black police commander?

Discrimination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3n76r/what_is_the_worst_part_of_being_a_gay_black/
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I stayed up all night last night trying to remember....

the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ms9p/i_stayed_up_all_night_last_night_trying_to/
%
A woman was pregnant with triplets when she got shot and survived...

The children came out fine and the doctor had told their mother that the bullet would pass through each of them in around 13 years. The children lived a happy life with their parents until they turned 13 years old. On that day, child 1 got a shock. He said to his mother, "Mommy, mommy, I have something to tell you, " His mother said, "What is it?" Child 1 replied with "A bullet came out of my pee!" His mother then said, "It's nothing to worry about, son, go back to playing your game." Five minutes later, child 2 got a shock. He said to his mother, "Mommy, mommy, I have something to tell you," His mother said, "What is it?" Child 2 replied with "A bullet came out of my pee!" His mother then said, "It's nothing to worry about, son, go back to playing your game." Five minutes after that, child 3 got a shock. He said to his mother, "Mommy, mommy, I have something to tell you," His mother said, "Let me guess, a bullet came out of your pee?" Child 3 said, "No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3mqis/a_woman_was_pregnant_with_triplets_when_she_got/
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A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

L
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3mosl/a_woman_from_new_york_was_driving_through_a/
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During the cold war

The USSR had an epidemic of unplanned pregnancies, so they unwillfuly asked the US for aid since they dudnt had the technology to produce good condoms. They didn't wanted to look weak so they asked for 1 billion 11 inch condoms. The Americans got their request and didn't wanted to look weak either, so they sent 1 billion 11 inch condoms, labelled XS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3mkwf/during_the_cold_war/
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Jared from Subway's career started and ended the same way.

Trying to get into smaller pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3mjtq/jared_from_subways_career_started_and_ended_the/
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3mjcu/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
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Germany is a pretty weird country. If you deny the Holocaust, you go to jail.

But if you organize one, you are promoted to Reich Chancellor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3mgxd/germany_is_a_pretty_weird_country_if_you_deny_the/
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Off to work

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3mfkt/off_to_work/
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A man orders soup at a restaurant.

The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn't eat, he asks the waiter to taste:
-Is there anything wrong sir?
-No just taste it.
-I can change it for you
-I want you to taste it!
-But..
-Do it!
-Ok, where's the spoon?
-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3mejd/a_man_orders_soup_at_a_restaurant/
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My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3mbz4/my_time_machine_broke_so_i_took_it_to_the_time/
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An anti-vaxxer, a flat-earther and a holocaust denier walked into a bar

but got turned down by the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3mbo9/an_antivaxxer_a_flatearther_and_a_holocaust/
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An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Australian hits him over the head with a bottle, causing the croc to open his mouth and let the guy withdraw his penis. The bartender starts serving the free drinks to the Australian and then tells everyone in the bar "If anyone else can do that then I will give them free drinks also". There is a pause and then a blonde woman calls out "ok, I will do it but please don't hit me so hard over my head with the bottle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3mbma/an_australian_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a/
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What type of pussy does a priest get?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3m8fs/what_type_of_pussy_does_a_priest_get/
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Being a helicopter pilot is a crazy job

It has it's ups and downs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3m5jw/being_a_helicopter_pilot_is_a_crazy_job/
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How do you keep a violin from being stolen?

Put it in a viola case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3m4k3/how_do_you_keep_a_violin_from_being_stolen/
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There are 10 people in this world...

Those who understand binary and those who don't.
I know this is a repost but I flipping love this joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3lwho/there_are_10_people_in_this_world/
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A lady gives herself a treat for her 7pth birthday

A lady decided to give herself a treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $500.
She exploded, demanding to know why the charge was so high.
The clerk told her $500 was the standard rate. So she insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared, and was filled in.
"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool, a gymnasium, a sauna and a huge conference centre, which are all available for use,'' he said.
"But I didn't use them,'' she protested.
" Well, they are here, and you could have,'' he explained.
He went on to explain she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel was famous.
"But I didn't go to any shows,'' she protested again.
"Well, you could have,'' the manager replied.
Since the manager would not be moved, she wrote out a cheque and handed it over.
"But madam,'' said the manager,"this cheque is made out for only $200.''
"That's correct,'' she replied.
" I charged you $300 for sleeping with me.''
"But I didn't!'' exclaimed the very surprised manager.
" Well, too bad,'' she said.
" I was here, and you could have.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3luw4/a_lady_gives_herself_a_treat_for_her_7pth_birthday/
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If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3lsac/if_planet_earth_was_a_human_body_the_uk_would_be/
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A man comes home early from work to find his wife in bed with the neighbor

The man grabs the neighbor by the dick and balls and leads him to garage, where he tightens a vice around the neighbor’s dick. The husband leaves and comes back just moments later with a knife in his hands.
“Dear God, you’re not going to cut it off, are you!!?!?” screams the neighbor
“No, you are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3lmf3/a_man_comes_home_early_from_work_to_find_his_wife/
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If two wheeled vehicles make you angry, are you bi-furious?

You know, just asking for a friend...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3lhuf/if_two_wheeled_vehicles_make_you_angry_are_you/
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A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.
Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.
Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.
The Church Denied all Responsibility!!!
So, the judge commented,
"It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3lh9z/a_bar_opened_opposite_a_church/
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What would you call a lowlife karmawhore redditor who seeks karma on his cake day?

u/DammitCaesar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3lgo8/what_would_you_call_a_lowlife_karmawhore_redditor/
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A ginger, brunette, and a blond are stranded on an island when they find a lamp

A Genie appears and offers to grant them each 1 wish.
The ginger wishes for a fully manned cruise ship to appear and sail herself off the island.
The brunette wishes for a piloted private jet to appear and flys herself off the island.
And the blond feeling somewhat lonely says “You know I wish my friends were all back here, I miss them”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3lev4/a_ginger_brunette_and_a_blond_are_stranded_on_an/
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What's brown and rhymes with "Snoop"?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3lekv/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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A woman heads to the doctors office

for her usual checkup. While there, the doc notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it,
"Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sex."
The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of a Y and inquires about it,
"Oh, my boyfriend is really into wearing his Yale sweater during sex."
The next day, another woman comes in, again, for a simple checkup. This woman too has a rash on her chest, and the doctor, catching on with the trend, asks,
"So, Does your boyfriend go to Wisconsin?"
The girl replies, "Nah, but my girlfriend goes to Michigan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3layj/a_woman_heads_to_the_doctors_office/
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Psst! My secret is butter.

Please don't spread it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3l5rp/psst_my_secret_is_butter/
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What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

A little hoarse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3l41y/what_do_you_call_a_pony_with_a_sore_throat/
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A ship at sea was approached by 2 pirate ships...

The captain of the ship tells his men to get ready for battle, and orders his first mate to go get his red shirt.
After they defeated the pirate ship the first mate approaches the captain and asks “captain why did you want me to get you a red shirt?is it a lucky shirt?”
The captain answered “I wanted the red shirt so that if I was injured during battle you and the rest of the crew wouldn’t see me bleeding and become afraid.”
The men were amazed by his answer
A few days later they were approached by 5 pirate ships. The first mate running to his captain asked “should I get you your red shirt?”
The captain calmly answered,” No, I will need my brown pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3kq2f/a_ship_at_sea_was_approached_by_2_pirate_ships/
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Why don't anti-vaxxers take heroin?

It could be good for something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3koix/why_dont_antivaxxers_take_heroin/
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I went out to tell a racist joke on r/dadjokes.

But I never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3kkgn/i_went_out_to_tell_a_racist_joke_on_rdadjokes/
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There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.
&nbsp;
Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they would signal over to the merchant vessel, offering to repair the damage to their ship for but a small fee. Having barely survived the storm and taking in more water than they could bail, the crew of the merchant vessels would readily agree.
&nbsp;
Once payment had been made, the Pirate Captain would send five of his own crew to board the merchant vessel, along with a large wooden crate of tools. They would then proceed below decks and start work.
&nbsp;
Unbeknownst to the crew of the merchant vessel, two of the Captain's most stealthiest pirates were hiding in the large wooden crate of tools. Once below decks, they would pop out and get to work too, raiding the hold of the merchant vessel and taking all the valuables, jewels and gold pieces they could get their hands on.
&nbsp;
Quickly tossing their spoils into the large wooden crate, the other two would then work alongside the other five once the crate was full. When the repairs were complete and the seven crewmen had returned with the crate full of booty, the pirate ship would depart as swiftly as it had arrived, before the the crew of the merchant vessel noticed anything was missing.
&nbsp;
Bragging about his ill-gotten gains amassed using this tactic, the Pirate Captain was booed and jeered at by his counterparts for employing such dishonourable methods. His reply?
&nbsp;
_"Arrr.. it's not loot-boxes I be using! They be the **surprise mechanics**, and they be quite ethical.."_
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3kier/there_was_a_pirate_captain_who_had_an_interesting/
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They're finally making a clock movie.

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ke7u/theyre_finally_making_a_clock_movie/
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“Four-eyes”. An insult in America...

A beauty standard in Chernobyl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3kay8/foureyes_an_insult_in_america/
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I went to the eye surgeon the other day and you won't guess who i bumped into.

Everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3k9u0/i_went_to_the_eye_surgeon_the_other_day_and_you/
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I keep asking people what LGBT means...

I can't get a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3k9ra/i_keep_asking_people_what_lgbt_means/
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What is the difference between a bad dad and a telemarketer?

The telemarketer always has time to call you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3k6sg/what_is_the_difference_between_a_bad_dad_and_a/
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It was in the late 1930s in Germany and a Jewish man who was sitting in a restaurant reading a Nazi newspaper.

A friend of his, who passed by, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading the Nazi newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Nazi newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3jzr0/it_was_in_the_late_1930s_in_germany_and_a_jewish/
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I liked Chernobyl because it was a show about my hometown...

I give it four mutated thumbs up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3jyz9/i_liked_chernobyl_because_it_was_a_show_about_my/
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Meanwhile, at the asylum...

A man is strolling up the street when he hears a commotion across the way at the Mental Assylum.
"Fourteen!" "Fourteen!" "Fourteen!" The cry rose from behind the walls.
His curiosity aroused, he crossed the pavement to where he saw a hole in the assylum wall.
He crouched to put his eye to it, where upon he was poked in the eye !
"Fifteen!", "Fifteen!", "Fifteen!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3jta3/meanwhile_at_the_asylum/
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This is the story of Nate the Snake and John.

There once was a man named John. John has three kids named Carl, Sally, and Paul. John also has a wife named Suzan. Unfortunately, Suzan, Carl, Sally, and Paul don’t like John very much. John also has no friends. John is a very lonely man. He does have this one thing going for him though, he is SUPER rich. John is absolutely loaded. He has so much money he doesn’t have to work and is set for life. So since John is loaded he decides one day he is going on vacation to the Sahara Desert. He buys a ticket and flies out to the desert where he rents a dune buggy and a bottle of water. So, John goes out on his top of the line dune buggy and starts having the time of his life going up and down the sand dunes. He’s going so fast up and down the dunes but then, it goes wrong. He accidentally veers off course and tips his buggy. He starts rolling down the hill at super high speeds. When John gets to the bottom of the sand dune he gets thrown from his now upside down dune buggy. When he gathers his bearings and tries to stand back up. He realizes he now has a concussion and he can’t see very well. He also has hurt arms and legs. But, he’s not an idiot right? So he gets up besides the pain and he starts walking. He doesn’t make it very far however and he eventually falls to his hands and knees and he starts crawling just trying to get any where but there. He eventually collapses to his stomach and just can’t carry himself anymore. So he starts dragging himself on his stomach. The next time he looks up he sees this big white pillar with a white lever on it. On the lever he sees a big green snake. The snake starts to speak and this is what he says...
Snake: Hi I’m Nate the snake. I’m here to help you John
John: Oh great now I’m hallucinating. What’s new?
S: No your not hallucinating. I’m real and I’m gonna help you. I’ll give you three wishes
J: Yeah yeah sure, what’s the catch?
S: There are two rules. The first rule is you can’t wish for a materialistic item. It can’t be something you can physically hold. The second rule is that if you want the wishes you have to promise to come back here sometime before you die and flip this big lever. The lever will end all of humanity. Do you want the wishes?
J(still thinking it’s a hallucination): Sure why not. My first wish is to not be thirsty anymore.
S: Ok John. I will do you one better. You don’t have to drink water anymore as long as you eat your fruits and vegetables you’ll get all the water you need just from that.
J: Wow that’s great! I don’t feel thirsty any more! My second wish is to not be injured anymore.
S: I’ll do you one better. I’ll heal you up so well that you will love for as twice as long as you would have before.
John stands up and stretches his arms and legs a little bit
J: Wow this is incredible! I feel fantastic! Ok my last wish is to not be lost because I have no idea where I am
S: Ok I’ll do you one better. You will know never be lost ever again no matter where you are
J: Wow this is the most amazing thing I’ve ever see! Thanks Nate the snake.
John turns to leave with newfound hope and energy when Nate the snake stops him. John turns back around and asks Nate the snake what’s wrong.
S: Man I’m so lonely out here I don’t have any friends. Will you be my friend?
John quickly agrees to be his friend since he saved his life. Then they exchange numbers and John leaves on his merry way.
A few years later John gets a call from Nate the snake.
S: John I need a favor. My son Sam the Snake is with me and I can’t be a good father to him while he’s with me. I’m stuck out here and I was wondering if you would use your huge stacks of money to take him on a vacation around the world?
J: Sure I’ll take Sam the snake on an adventure around the world. You are my only friend after all.
S: Thanks man I appreciate that.
So John flies back out the Sahara Desert, picks up Nate the snakes son, Sam the snake, and leaves again. They go all around the world to places like Beijing, Tokyo, Los Vegas and other new and amazing places. John and Nate the snakes son, Sam the snake are having so much fun together when they get an unexpected call. John answers the phone and it’s Nate the snake again!
S: Hey John I need you here. I’ve got this weird snake disease that’s gonna kill me, and I want you here with me when I die.
John quickly tells him he’ll be there and rushes towards the nearest airport with Nate the snakes son Sam the snake. They buy a ticket to the desert and fly out. When they get there John buys the fastest dune buggy he can and starts flying out over the sand dunes again. In his rush however, John accidentally speeds up too much and is about to lose control of his dune buggy for the second time. This time however he knows not to turn the wheel too fast. Then John sees the pillar in the distance. John obviously doesn’t want to hit the lever or he’ll end humanity. So what he decides to do is slowly turn the wheel to avoid the lever. Then, however, John sees something he didn’t see before. Nate the snake has moved himself from the big lever, to a tree growing next to it. John realizes that he has to make a choice. Does he end humanity? Or does he kill his best friend Nate the snake? John has to decide, humanity or his friend? He doesn’t know what to do, and Nate the snakes son, Sam the snake is crying in the seat next to him because he knows what’s happening too. Then John comes to a realization. He made his choice and he says to himself:
Better Nate Than Lever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3jq7l/this_is_the_story_of_nate_the_snake_and_john/
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I walk into a bar naked...

...the bartender says, “why the long cock.”
Thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3jpgg/i_walk_into_a_bar_naked/
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What happened to the guy who sued the airline for his missing luggage?

He lost his case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3jmxs/what_happened_to_the_guy_who_sued_the_airline_for/
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Just as I suspected, someone has been secretly adding dirt to my garden

The plot thickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3jkqz/just_as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_secretly/
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The 3 farmers

Once there was 3 really poor farmers. One day they saw a flier for the county fair. World's fattest pig wins 1 million dollars. There pig wasn't fat at all but one of the farmers had an idea. They trained a monkey to put corks in bottles. After a week of training the monkey. They throw the monkey in the pig pen with the pig. The monkey puts a cork in the pigs ass. As weeks past, the farmers won the county fair but they noticed the pig looked sad. For the next week they trained the monkey how to take corks out of bottles. Once the monkey got the hang of it, they put him back in the pig pen. There was a giant explosion and a cop wakes up the first farmer.
"What was the last thing you remember?"
The farmer replies, "There was shit everywhere!"
The cop wakes up the second farmer, "What was the last thing you remember?"
The second farmer replies,"There was shit everywhere!"
The cop wakes up the last farmer, "What was the last thing you remember?"
The third farmer replies, "That poor little monkey trying to put the cork back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3jkkd/the_3_farmers/
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I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger and bigger

Then i realized it was inflatable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3jgy9/i_was_wondering_why_the_ball_was_getting_bigger/
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A butcher accidentally backed into his grinder.

He got a little behind in his work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3jgvw/a_butcher_accidentally_backed_into_his_grinder/
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How to shower like a woman

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
1) Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2) Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3) Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.
4) Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5) Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6) Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7) Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8) Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.
9) Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off.
10) Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
11) Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
12) Turn off shower.
13) Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
14) Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15) Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.
16) Tweeze hairs.
17) Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
1) Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave them in a pile.
2) Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.
3) Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No)
4) Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
5) Get in shower.
6) Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one.
7) Wash your face.
8) Wash your armpits.
9) Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
10) Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
11) Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
12) Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
13) Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
14) Make a shampoo Mohawk.
15) Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
16) Pee (in the shower).
17) Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
18) Partially dry off.
19) Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.
20) Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
21) Leave bathroom fan and light on.
22) Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
23) Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3jewg/how_to_shower_like_a_woman/
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A dad joke is never said by accident

It's always pun-intentional

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3j90a/a_dad_joke_is_never_said_by_accident/
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What do you do first before going in for facial reconstructive surgery?

You pick your nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3j5wc/what_do_you_do_first_before_going_in_for_facial/
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Why is a roach clip called a roach clip?

Pot holder was taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3j5bv/why_is_a_roach_clip_called_a_roach_clip/
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A blonde and her boyfriend die in a car crash, and arrive outside the gates of Heaven.

The pair come before St. Peter for judgment.
"God gave you life, but you are both responsible for the accident that caused your deaths."
"Awwwww, c'mon," says the blonde. "We didn't mean any harm, we were just having a little fun. Who cares if you give your boyfriend a little road head?"
St. Peter looks at her, exhausted. "*You* were driving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3j4w4/a_blonde_and_her_boyfriend_die_in_a_car_crash_and/
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When I tell someone I am 5'9" tall, they say I'm a little short

But when I tell them I'm 69 inches tall, they say "Nice!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3j399/when_i_tell_someone_i_am_59_tall_they_say_im_a/
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Can I help you!

A blind guy walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, lifts him up and starts swinging the dog around.
Clerk runs over to the guy and asks if he can help.
“No, just looking”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3j2d2/can_i_help_you/
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a taxi driver in New York picks up a nun...

after a while of driving the nun notices the driver staring intensely at her through the mirror. Curiosity took hold and she asked him why he was looking so intently at her.
"you see," says the driver "I have always fantasized about kissing a nun."
"Are you married?" asked the nun "and are you a Christian?"
"no and yes!"
"then pull the cab into this next alleyway"
once parked, the nun came around to the front seat and kissed the driver in a way that would make a stripper blush, soon afterwards the cabbie starts to cry and sobs out "I'm actually Jewish and married."
"oh don't worry about that,"the nun responds "my name is actually Kevin and I am going to a costume party."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3j1ze/a_taxi_driver_in_new_york_picks_up_a_nun/
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To teach me how to swim my dad rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me in.

The swimming was easy, it was the burlap sack that gave me a hard time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3iwwh/to_teach_me_how_to_swim_my_dad_rowed_me_out_to/
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So a guy walks into a bar

and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says that he\`ll give the guy a drink if he can tell him a meta-joke so the guy says; "Okay so a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says that he\`ll give the guy a drink if he can tell him a meta-joke so the guy says; "Okay so a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink...
So he gave him a drink...
So he gave him a drink...
So he gave him a drink...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3iuxh/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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The day I was born was the most embarrassing day of my life.

A room full of strangers saw me naked and I didn’t talk for a year because of it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3iui2/the_day_i_was_born_was_the_most_embarrassing_day/
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Correct this sentence: A man runs by a campsite

It’s “A man *ran* by a campsite” because it’s past tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3isxa/correct_this_sentence_a_man_runs_by_a_campsite/
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What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3isrm/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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What’s the hardest part of eating a vegetable?

The wheel chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3iq1a/whats_the_hardest_part_of_eating_a_vegetable/
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Nicki Minaj researched her family tree and discovered she was part American Indian.

The tribe: Arapahoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ioco/nicki_minaj_researched_her_family_tree_and/
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Issac Newton died a virgin, meaning that i am better than one of the worlds greatest scientists...

Im not dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ijst/issac_newton_died_a_virgin_meaning_that_i_am/
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A skeleton walks into a bar

and he asks the bartender  for a beer.
The bartender asks the skeleton if he would like anything else with his beer
The skeleton replies: “yes I would like a mop please”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3iihg/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink when it's a friend's birthday.

On a side note are you on Facebook?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3icl8/im_not_an_alcoholic_i_only_drink_when_its_a/
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Why couldn’t the strings ever win?

They could only tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3iaid/why_couldnt_the_strings_ever_win/
%
A man was offroading in the desert.

He was driving over the dunes and past the shrubs and bushes that dotted the landscape, when a sandstorm started blowing over. He figured he'd be fine, but the sand made his engine lock up.
After it had passed, he went out in search for help. The storm disoriented him and blew away his car tracks. He figured he couldn't be that far from any town, so he started walking.
He walked for hours. The sun started setting, and he was no closer to civilization. He couldn't see his car anymore, and figured he'd be better off waiting till morning to continue. He found a shady spot and layed down. When he woke up he was even more disoriented. He kept going, hoping he'd find something soon.
Eventually he found himself in a large flat empty plain. He saw something in the middle of it, but he couldn't tell what it was. He kept walking towards it until it was clear; in the middle of the desert was a large tilted pole, on top of which was a snake.
"Who are you?" he asked, examining it.
"I am Nate the snake. I am the guardian of this lever." he replied.
So it's a lever, he thought. He couldn't tell if this was a hallucination. It felt real. He wasn't dead. But more pressing, he was talking to a snake, and even worse, the snake spoke!
"You can talk!?"
"Of course I can. I was placed here eons ago to guard this lever."
He had many questions. Who placed him there? Why? What does the lever do? How does he talk? Where am I? But all he could think of was,
"So your name is Nate?"
"That's right."
It has to be heatstroke, he thought. No way is a snake here talking to me! But it was, and he was healthy as a horse. A little dehydrated, but nothing fatal.
"Are you real?"
"Of course I am." the snake replied.
"So why are you on top of this lever?"
"Well, it's the lever that kills all of humanity. Must guard it from the wrong hands!"
"How does that work?" He asked.
"I'm not sure. All I know is that if it's pushed, all humans will perish." Nate the snake replied.
At this point he figured it was time to head on, he didn't exactly have a need to kill all humans.
"Do you know where the nearest town is?"
"Of course. It's about 10 miles that way" he said, pointing with his tail.
"Alright, well, thank you." he said, before heading off.
Sure enough, there was a town not 10 miles from where the snake was, where he found a local tow truck rental that would allow him to rescue his car. The next morning, after sleeping at a local inn, he set off in a small tow truck to find if the snake had been real. Personally, he'd like to thank him for saving his life, as he wouldn't have found the town otherwise.
As he summitted the last dune, he could see the snake in the distance, 10 feet away from the pillar, devouring a small animal. Just then, the sand started to give way and his tires lost all grip. He was sliding down at an alarming rate, and knew he only had time to make a split second decision, as he was aiming directly for the lever! So he ripped the wheel to the side, and with all his might, hit the gas, moving his trajectory away from the lever, but now he was aiming towards the snake! All he could think to say in this tense moment was,
"Better nate than lever!"
Thank you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3i8o1/a_man_was_offroading_in_the_desert/
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What's a pirate's favorite crime?

Piracy. Obviously. It's right there in the name. Guessed wrong didn't you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3i85y/whats_a_pirates_favorite_crime/
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My wife asked me “is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”

Apparently, “no it’s just you” wasn’t the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3i70u/my_wife_asked_me_is_it_just_me_or_is_the_cat/
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I met this girl on a night out and told her that she had such a radiant smile...

I should've guessed she was from Chernobyl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3i6f9/i_met_this_girl_on_a_night_out_and_told_her_that/
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Canadian guy: Let’s watch a movie.

American: Sure. How about The Titanic?
Canadian: What’s that about?
American: Yes. A big one. It sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3i4nc/canadian_guy_lets_watch_a_movie/
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What's Oepdipus' favorite time of the day?

Whenever the son goes down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3i3jx/whats_oepdipus_favorite_time_of_the_day/
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My friend couldn’t afford to pay his high water bill...

So I sent him a “Get 'Well' Soon” card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3i16k/my_friend_couldnt_afford_to_pay_his_high_water/
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I like my men like I like my Whiskey

I really fucking hate whiskey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3hzk8/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
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The farmer and the vagrant

A vagrant is travelling when a massive rain storm hits, he sees a farm on the horizon so decides to ask the farm if he could use his barn for the night.
The farmer agrees on 1 condition, "Whatever you do dont put you dick in the 3 holes."
During the night curiousity fills the vagrants mind to the point he can't sleep, so inevitably he decides to stick his dick in the first hole.
The feeling is immense, he's gripped tight and waves of pleasure roll over him for 10 minutes.
Not quite satified he decides to see if the second hole will have similar results, so he moves to the second hole and again he's gripped tight and the feelings wash over him, 30 minutes later he's released but still not satified.
Knowing what is in store he moves over to the 3rd hole and shoves his dick in, instantly he's gripped much tighter like he couldn't pull away if he wanted and the feelings of bliss roll over him, he loses count of the amount of times he ejaculates and after an hour and a half is released and he falls into the more peaceful sleep he's ever experienced.
In the morning the farmer comes to wake him and his dick has swollen to 3 times the size and is black and bruised, "Put your dick in the holes didn't ya?"
"What the hell is in those holes?" He exclaims
"Well ya see the first hole backs onto my 18 yr old daughters room and as you can guess we dont see many men round these ways, the second hole backs onto my wifes room, see we've not been getting along what with me favouring the farm over her and behind the third hole is the milk extractor and that don't stop til it's got 14 pints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3hypo/the_farmer_and_the_vagrant/
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My wife told me that if I took one more picture of her, she'd leave me

That's when I snapped!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3hxpt/my_wife_told_me_that_if_i_took_one_more_picture/
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An old man checks out the local Nudist Colony to see if he wants to join

The clerk invites him to take a nude, self tour. He agrees and proceeds to go for his tour, completely naked,  sporting only his cigar... not five minutes into his stroll he sees a beautifully shaped young lady in the buff which aroused him quickly... the young lady, noticing his erection decides to take advantage of good thing which pleases the the old cigar smoker... in his excitement to return to the office to join he accidentally dropped his cigar... a passing Male sees him bent over and takes advantage of his position.... when finished the old guy returns to the office and tells the clerk his experience... the clerk asks "so, will you be joining?" He responds "No!" "Why Not?" asks the clerk... he states matter of factly.... "I get aroused about once a month, but I drop my cigar 3 times a day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3hwzp/an_old_man_checks_out_the_local_nudist_colony_to/
%
A fat lady walks into a bar.

She raise her arm showing off her hairy armpits and says “ Who wants to buy this nice lady a drink?” A drunk guy in the back says “I will, I’ll buy the ballerina a drink.”
This goes on a few more times. “ Who wants to buy this nice lady a drink?”  “I will, I’ll buy the ballerina a drink.”
The drunk guy tells the bartender how nice the ballerina looks. The bartender replies “ Look, I appreciate you buying the lady drinks, it’s good for business. But I must ask, why do you call her a ballerina?”
The man replies “ I figured anybody who could raise their leg that high must be a ballerina.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3hue5/a_fat_lady_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A woman was in a coma

and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3hs2t/a_woman_was_in_a_coma/
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In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.
The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.
Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"
The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3hral/in_heaven_there_were_two_huge_signs_the_first/
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At the bar

A guy walks into a bar with a 12-inch man sitting on his shoulder
he orders a drink the little man runs down his arm and kicks the drink away
he orders again guy kicks it away again
The bartender says " Hey buddy what gives?"
Guy sighs and says " Well I rubbed a lamp and a genie came out saying ' I'll grant you 1 wish'"
He glares at the guy sitting on his shoulder who is smirking at him
he says " And like a dumbass, I wished for a 12-inch prick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3hpw4/at_the_bar/
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My crush has a lot in common with the 2018 Chevrolet Camero’s 0% APR financing plan

There’s no interest 😎

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3hosq/my_crush_has_a_lot_in_common_with_the_2018/
%
I just got a job offer as a PORN STAR, and they demanded that I do a scene without even going through an STD test, of course I refused

because it was NSFW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3hjvv/i_just_got_a_job_offer_as_a_porn_star_and_they/
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When I was a kid my parents told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up and that the sky was the limit

I guess being an astronaut was out of the picture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3hirv/when_i_was_a_kid_my_parents_told_me_i_could_be/
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Suicide costs more than just your life...

It also costs about 6.99 for the rope at your local hardware store. #Supportlocalbusinesses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3hhd4/suicide_costs_more_than_just_your_life/
%
My wife came back home from the hairdresser's. She asked me what I thought of her new look, and she got upset when I made my observation.

'So, you think I look like a bulldog!' she wept.
I laughed to myself.
'No! You need to get your ears tested!' I replied.
'Oh...' she began to smile.
'I said you look like a bald hog,' I added.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3hfsu/my_wife_came_back_home_from_the_hairdressers_she/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To go to KFC and watch a chicken strip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3hb6l/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
I went on a camping trip with my wife, kids, and mother-in-law.

At night, my wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to me, she insisted on trying to find her mother. I picked up my rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, we came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large bear stood facing her.
My wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” I said. “The bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3h9d4/i_went_on_a_camping_trip_with_my_wife_kids_and/
%
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused

Now im in hot water with the japanese mafia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3h3l3/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_confused/
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let's play russian roulette with a shrink ray! i'll go first

^oh ^come ^on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3gzzz/lets_play_russian_roulette_with_a_shrink_ray_ill/
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People say I'm condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3gym9/people_say_im_condescending/
%
Doctor: I had to remove your colon

Me Why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3gtfu/doctor_i_had_to_remove_your_colon/
%
Is it just me or is every girl's name the same in public?

I always go up and ask them what it is and they always say its "Sorry, I gotta go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3goqn/is_it_just_me_or_is_every_girls_name_the_same_in/
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A man is admitted to the hospital with chest pain.

The cardiologist orders a battery of test over the course of a week. While studding the patient's EKG he noticed that his heart rate was very erratic when his wife and daughter were visiting.
The doctor asked the man how his relationship was with his family.
Well I get along great with the 2 of them but they constantly fight and argue about anything and everything.
The Dr replied great. If they stop fighting all the time you will probably live for another 40 or 50 years. However if they keep fighting you could die from the stress in a few months.
The man is greatly relieved and ask the doctor to call and tell his wife the prognosis.
He gets dressed and goes home. When he walks into his home his wife and daughter are crying uncontrollably. When his wife see him she throws her arms around him and sobs
The doctor just called and you only have 3 months to live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3gn5e/a_man_is_admitted_to_the_hospital_with_chest_pain/
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Why does everyone like that little gold quiddich ball in Harry Potter?

I thought people didn't like snitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3gli8/why_does_everyone_like_that_little_gold_quiddich/
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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3gcz1/a_man_is_eating_soup_at_a_restaurant_when_he/
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A man goes away from his wife on business...

A man goes away from his wife for work. He has to be gone for 5 days. By the second day the man is super horny so he decides to find a hooker. On this one corner close by he sees this beautiful blonde. Nice ass huge boobs, just the perfect blonde.
He walks up to her and says hey babe how much? She says that depends on what you want. He says ok what do you recommend and she says, I give a great handjob for 50 bucks. They guy says 50 bucks! That’s expensive! The hooker says I’ll be the best you’ll ever have.
He pays her, takes her to his hotel and she really is that good. The next day the man is horny again and walks up to the same Hooker and says how much for a blowjob? She says 100 bucks and I’ll be the best you’ll ever have. He says that’s expensive! But eventually pays her and take her back to the hotel and she really was that good.
Well in a few days the guy realizes he had to go back home to his wife. The man thinks to himself I gotta know what it’s like to bang the hooker. He walks up to her and says I just went to the atm and I don’t care what it costs I gotta know what it’s like to have sex with you, how much? She says you see the high rise of all the malls, shopping centers, homes, bars, etc? The guy says yeah what of them? The hooker says if I had a pussy I’d own all of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3g7q8/a_man_goes_away_from_his_wife_on_business/
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I kept wondering why the ball was getting bigger, and bigger,

And then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3g2h5/i_kept_wondering_why_the_ball_was_getting_bigger/
%
Three men are walking down a beach when they find a lamp buried in the sand.

They dig up the lamp, brush it off, and poof! a genie appears.
"I shall grant each of you three wishes," the genie intones.
The first guy wishes for unlimited wealth. Poof! Wish granted.
The second guy also wishes for unlimited wealth. Poof!
The third guy starts flailing his right arm wildly. "I wish my right arm would do this all the time," he says. Poof! Wish granted.
The first guy says, "For my second wish, I want a young, beautiful, loving wife." Poof!
The second guy says, "Again, I'll have that too! A young, beautiful, loving wife." Poof.
The third guy starts flailing his left arm wildly. "I wish my left arm would do this all the time," he says. Poof!
The first guy the says, "I wish I were young and healthy, forever! I want immortality!" Poof!
The second guys says, "I'm glad you're here, First Guy, you really have a handle on this.  I also wish for immortality!" Poof!
The third guy starts bobbing his head up and down furiously, and says, "I wish my head would do this, all the time!" His wish is granted.
The genie then goes back into the lamp, which disappears.
So the three men go their separate ways. They don't see each other again, until they have a reunion ten years later.
While they are catching up, the first guy says, "I gotta tell ya, unlimited wealth, my beautiful wife and being forever young and healthy...is really working out well!  Things are GREAT!"
The second guy says, "I hear you, First Guy!  It's all working out great for me, too! I'm so glad I followed your lead."
The third guy, arms flailing wildly, head bobbing up and down furiously, non-stop, says, "Guys...I'm beginning to think I *might* have fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3fvx3/three_men_are_walking_down_a_beach_when_they_find/
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Why did the old man fall in the well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3fuor/why_did_the_old_man_fall_in_the_well/
%
Just bought the worst thesaurus ever.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3fo4t/just_bought_the_worst_thesaurus_ever/
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I got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.

**The doctor says it’s terminal.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3fklg/i_got_this_awful_disease_where_i_cant_stop/
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Girl - “Make me cum”

Genie - “You might want to rephrase that”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3fi4n/girl_make_me_cum/
%
I can't stand idiots that don't know the difference between to and too.

There so stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3fghq/i_cant_stand_idiots_that_dont_know_the_difference/
%
A new slogan for Viagra

Life's hard you should be too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ffe2/a_new_slogan_for_viagra/
%
They say if you paint an elephant’s toenails red, you won’t see it in a strawberry patch

You are probably thinking, “That’s impossible. Elephants are huge!”
But ask yourself: have I ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?
No?
Then it obviously works!
**Courtesy of a little book I read as a child and think is cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3f9j7/they_say_if_you_paint_an_elephants_toenails_red/
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What's the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

Getting that darn wheelchair in the oven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3f9gg/whats_the_hardest_part_about_cooking_vegetables/
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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3f864/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
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Little Johnny and his parents

Little Johnny walked in on his parents having sex one night.
The next day, he asked his father, "What were you and mommy doing last night?"
The dad, in a quick flight of panic, proclaimed the first thing that came to mind.
"Oh son you see, me and mommy, we were just uh, making a cake together! Now go on and play."
Little Johnny seemed content with this answer and continued about his day.
Later that night, he went to his parents room again to see if they were making a cake.
The next day, he told his father, "Dad, I saw you and mommy making a cake again last night!"
The  father, cursing himself for forgetting to lock the door said, "Son, when me and mommy make a cake, it's a private thing between us, okay?"
Little  Johnny, barely containing his excitement proclaimed, "No dad! After you and mom went to the bathroom, I ran in and ate all of the icing off the sheets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3f71i/little_johnny_and_his_parents/
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President Trump has been taking xanax daily.

He heard it helps with Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3f6z8/president_trump_has_been_taking_xanax_daily/
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I don’t understand why women complain about periods.

Just use question marks or exclamation marks?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3f1d7/i_dont_understand_why_women_complain_about_periods/
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In the end, I had to deactivate my malfunctioning fitness avatar.

It just wasn’t working out for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3exy6/in_the_end_i_had_to_deactivate_my_malfunctioning/
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Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf at a club famous for it's floating green.

When approaching the tee box Moses reminds Jesus that he never makes the green and he should just lay it up for the easy chip. Jesus replies, "Arnold Palmer drives this green, so can I."
Sure enough, plop in the water goes Jesus's ball. Moses being nice, parts the water and retrieves the ball reminding Jesus that he has never driven the green here before. Jesus getting agitated replies, Arnold Fucking Palmer drives this green, so can I."
This time Jesus gets a good hit on the ball and drives it into the rocks in front of the green bouncing it back into the water. Moses being nice again parts the water and retreives the ball reminding Jesus he has never driven this green before. Jesus incensed replies, "Arnold FUCKING Palmer drives this green, so can I."
Moses calmly tells him, "ok Lord but this time you have to retrieve your own ball."
Sure enough Jesus gets a good whack on the ball, but slices it off to the side and plop it goes into the water. So Jesus angrily stomps off across the water to fetch his ball.
Meanwhile, as Moses waits, the foursome behind them catches up. Upon seeing Jesus walking across the water they ask Moses if the guy in the water thinks he's Jesus. "No, says Moses, he thinks he's Arnold Fucking Palmer."
Just wrote this up somewhere else. Thought y'all would enjoy. I have no clue where I first heard it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3exp9/jesus_and_moses_are_playing_a_round_of_golf_at_a/
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-Mommy, was I planned?

-Ask your father
-What father?
-Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3exn0/mommy_was_i_planned/
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So far the best Spider-Man movie has been about black Spider-Man...

That’s right, Spider-Man 3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3euf4/so_far_the_best_spiderman_movie_has_been_about/
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What do you call a masochist being stabbed to death

Cumming and going

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3et0d/what_do_you_call_a_masochist_being_stabbed_to/
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Tell me ONE thing wrong with overstocking grocery shelves. Go on.

Aisle weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3eof3/tell_me_one_thing_wrong_with_overstocking_grocery/
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I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition

Fuck knows where i came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3eihf/i_entered_a_blindfolded_masturbation_competition/
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So I was just starting to play Harry Potter - Wizards Unite...

...and was walking down the street. I noticed a young lady at the bus stop was also playing, which sparked a small conversation. She was very cute, maybe in her early 20s. She was telling me all about the professions you can pick from because she just hit level six. I was only level four so it was exciting to hear about a part of the game I have yet to unlock. But suddenly the conversation took a turn, and things started getting weird...
She goes on to explain in great detail as to why she does not have her wallet and is unable to pay for the bus ticket. Evidently she had an unstable living situation and had to flee her home with just the clothing on her back and her phone. Her story seemed legit, so I asked her how much the ticket was.
"It'll be about $3.50." she replies.
It was about at that time I realized that she was not at all the young lady I thought she was, but rather an eighty foot tall crustacean from the pedadoic era.
"God damnit Loch Ness monster, you ain't getting my tree fiddy today" I proclaim as I storm off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ei00/so_i_was_just_starting_to_play_harry_potter/
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I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ehrn/i_cant_see_an_end_i_have_no_control_and_i_dont/
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I was addicted to soap for 5 years

I'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3eh2g/i_was_addicted_to_soap_for_5_years/
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Me: Hey girl, want to have the greatest night of your life?

Her: Yes!
Me: Oh... well, never mind then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3eg5t/me_hey_girl_want_to_have_the_greatest_night_of/
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Why don't people get up early in Athens?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ecc2/why_dont_people_get_up_early_in_athens/
%
A woman is sitting at her deceased husbands funeral.

A man leans in and asks “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. “Plethora” says the man. “Thanks” the woman says “that means a lot”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ebiy/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
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Why did 4 think that -1 and 0 were his saviors?

Because Minus One and Zero Want To Free Four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3e8hj/why_did_4_think_that_1_and_0_were_his_saviors/
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2 kids are on their way to Disneyland...

They’re almost there, then see a sign that says “Disneyland Left”
So they go home and cry into their pillows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3e1ib/2_kids_are_on_their_way_to_disneyland/
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What crime carries the punishment in itself?

Polygamy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3dzuy/what_crime_carries_the_punishment_in_itself/
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A man once asked a wise man.

'What is the secret to eternal happiness?' the man asked.
The wise man replied 'To not argue with fools.'
The man said 'I disagree.'
To which the wise man replied 'Yes, you are right.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3duyw/a_man_once_asked_a_wise_man/
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As two deer walk out of a gay bar...

... one looks at the other and says, “man, I blew like, fifty bucks in there!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3dt7p/as_two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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TIFU by googling Chernobyl at work.

I should have been more careful spelling “naked miners.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ds09/tifu_by_googling_chernobyl_at_work/
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My neighbours listen to some really good music

Whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3dquy/my_neighbours_listen_to_some_really_good_music/
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Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.

Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3dpqx/spent_an_hour_at_the_wifes_grave_tonight/
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Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because it was a fungi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3dklt/why_did_the_mushroom_go_to_the_party/
%
I was about to get married to this woman.

However, just before the ceremony I found out she has a wooden leg. What do you think? Should I break it off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3dfp1/i_was_about_to_get_married_to_this_woman/
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Arthur gets a call from the Doctor

D: Arthur, its Doctor Moss. We got the test results back for your wife.
A: What is it Doc? What's the problem?
D: Well, that's the thing. We've narrowed it down to 2 possibilities. Either she has Alzheimers, or AIDS.
A: Ok so what do I do?
D: Take her for a drive and drop her off somewhere. If she makes her way home, don't fuck her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3df4f/arthur_gets_a_call_from_the_doctor/
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What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives a woman crazy?

Money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3d54a/whats_six_inches_long_two_inches_wide_and_drives/
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What does a Hindu Pirate say?

Arrr, Shiva me timbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3d3at/what_does_a_hindu_pirate_say/
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What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3cy3o/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
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Good thing of being ugly

Is that when someone stares at you for a while you know they are going to rob you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3cx36/good_thing_of_being_ugly/
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Why can't a priest take viagra?

Because it says on the label to keep away from children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3crrf/why_cant_a_priest_take_viagra/
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Quitting smoking is easy!

I've done it hundreds of times!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3cnqt/quitting_smoking_is_easy/
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What do you call a cow with 3 Legs?

Lean Beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
What do you call a cow that just had an abortion?
Decaffeinated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3cn2f/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_3_legs/
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Brothel fire

A brothel is burned to cinders but luckily all the dutiful workers made it out unscathed. A reporter on the scene interviewed one of them.
Reporter: What impression has the fire caused in you?
Prostitute: We are all really fucked.
Reporter: true but what impression has the fire caused?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3cko5/brothel_fire/
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Everyone likes his brother better, but one day this guy finds a magic lamp...

Genie: You get three wishes
Guy: Finally! something for me and not for my asshole brother Derek
Genie: Oh, Derek's your brother? that guy is so cool -I wish he'd rubbed the lamp instead- ... Tell you what, I'll give you whatever you wish for, but I'll double it for Derek. This is just the way things are...
Guy: Fuckin Derek... Alright fuck it. I want the largest and most luxurious palace to live in
Genie: Done
\*Beautiful palace appears\*
\*Two beautiful palaces appear on the other side of the road (where Derek lives)\*
Guy: Fuck...
Derek: \*from one of his balconies\* Hey bro, thanks for these, I got two. sweet huh?
Genie: What's your second wish?
Guy:  I want a thousand of the most beautiful women in the world, to serve me, pleasure me and keep me company
Genie: Done
\*A thousand sexy women appear all around his palace\*
Derek: \*From across the road, with a woman under each arm and several others surrounding, feeding, massaging and pleasuring him\* Hey bro! two thousand hot women. Thanks again man... gonna get busy right away
Guy: Fuckin Derek...
Genie: And your final wish?
Guy:  I want you to take half of my dick off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3cjq1/everyone_likes_his_brother_better_but_one_day/
%
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.
The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.
“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”
He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.”
The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!”
All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky.
The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!”
The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ccn0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_greets_him/
%
My wife is turning 32 soon

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3cciw/my_wife_is_turning_32_soon/
%
Little Johnny was scratching down there...

One day in class the teacher looks over to little Johnny and sees him scratching his downstairs under the table,
She walks over to him and says, Johnny what are you doing you shouldn't be scratching down there.
Johnny replies but miss it's hurting down there and it itches so bad I can't help myself.
The teacher says we'll if it really that bad take my phone and go call your mum you shouldn't be doing that in class.
Thank you miss Johnny replies as he heads out the door to call his mum....5 minutes later he walks back in with his penis hanging out.
The teacher looks over as he walks back in and sees it hanging out and immediately shocked rushes over and says what do you think your doing Johnny you can have you penis out at school I sent you out there to call your mum.
To which Johnny replies I did call her she told me if I stick it out till lunch time she'll come pick my up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3cbsb/little_johnny_was_scratching_down_there/
%
Did you hear what the divers found on the sea floor of Reddit?

It was this sub full of recycled garbage..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3cb0k/did_you_hear_what_the_divers_found_on_the_sea/
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Having gay parents must be horrible

I mean, you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of “go ask your mom”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3c6gd/having_gay_parents_must_be_horrible/
%
And the lord said unto Jesus, "come forth and ye shall receive eternal life"

But Jesus came fifth and so won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3c41n/and_the_lord_said_unto_jesus_come_forth_and_ye/
%
I called the suicide prevention hotline in Iraq

They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3c0ip/i_called_the_suicide_prevention_hotline_in_iraq/
%
A recent wedding I attended was very emotional...

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3byqf/a_recent_wedding_i_attended_was_very_emotional/
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D’ya hear about the annoyed shell fish...

a proper frustracean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3bvea/dya_hear_about_the_annoyed_shell_fish/
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Why is the letter B so cool?

Because it sits in the middle of AC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3bua8/why_is_the_letter_b_so_cool/
%
I hate when people ask how I see myself in 1 year

I don’t have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3bqi1/i_hate_when_people_ask_how_i_see_myself_in_1_year/
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While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp

When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.
Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3bec4/while_wandering_in_the_desert_i_came_across_a_lamp/
%
A star bingo player goes to the doctor

At one of his bingo tournaments, someone pointed out a dark spot on his neck. The bingo player was worried about this new mole growing on his body, thinking that it could be cancerous.
Bingo player: What do you think of the mole? Should i be worried?
Doctor: B9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3bb4s/a_star_bingo_player_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
A man walks into a bar in Vegas.

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."
The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it."
So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?"
The bird is silent as a stone.
"Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?"
The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night."
As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!"
The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3b5y3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_in_vegas/
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Life

Did you hear the news about a dead woman’s body being found in the park yesterday?
She was discovered drowned in a bathtub full of milk with a banana up her butt.
Police said this is the work of a cereal killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3b5w2/life/
%
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.
The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.
“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”
He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.”
The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!”
All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky.
The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!”
The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3b0yu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_greets_him/
%
LEL

I was observing two men that were working for the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while I had to ask, "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3b067/lel/
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A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree.

Upon arrival, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and replied “I’ve heard that one before.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3aunb/a_lumberjack_went_into_a_magic_forest_to_cut_a/
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Nahh

I thought i would tell a joke about sodium but NA, no one would get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3asuo/nahh/
%
I did a nose operation today

It snot funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3aq3l/i_did_a_nose_operation_today/
%
What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life,  or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a marriage conference, Frank and his wife Ann heard the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know things that are important to their spouse. MEN. Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Frank leaned over, lovingly patted Ann's knee and whispered "Gold Medal- All- Purpose isn't it?"
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3ahhz/what_is_celibacy/
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Heisenberg is driving to a convention to show off his new Uncertainty Principle

On the way he observes the speedometer, and finds himself lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3aabs/heisenberg_is_driving_to_a_convention_to_show_off/
%
How did a phone survived 500m fall?

It was on airplane mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3a9ta/how_did_a_phone_survived_500m_fall/
%
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3a9ny/how_do_you_get_a_guitar_player_to_stop_playing/
%
I thought I spotted a leopard once

But it turns out they're born that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3a28q/i_thought_i_spotted_a_leopard_once/
%
What do you get when you cross a lab monkey and a bully?

I don’t know, but it’s about to beat you up after Rhesus..
Disclaimer: Took this one from r/adviceanimals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c39yae/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_lab_monkey_and_a/
%
Mathematicians

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says: „You guys should know your limits.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c39ub1/mathematicians/
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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

Well, it's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c39t9e/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
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When I was in 5th grade..

..I ran from a fight. My Grandma said "You fight back or you fight me!"
I whooped her ass that day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c39szs/when_i_was_in_5th_grade/
%
A Robot gets arrested.

He's charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c39soa/a_robot_gets_arrested/
%
[Long] Anger management

Ok, this is really long but when you finished reading, you'll have a great Lige Protip.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c39ki2/long_anger_management/
%
A hillbilly walks into a bar and sees two ladies at the table

"Can I buy you gals a round of beers?" he asks..
"Nah, you'd be wasting your time with us..." says one
"What do you mean?" he asks
"We're lesbians" she answers
"Lesbians?? What are those?"
"Well, we like.... women" she explains
The guy raises his hand and shouts to the barman:" Hey, bring three beers for us three lesbians!"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c39f9r/a_hillbilly_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_two_ladies/
%
My wife asked if she's the only one I've been with.

I told her yes... the others were all nines and tens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c39e03/my_wife_asked_if_shes_the_only_one_ive_been_with/
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks; "Why the long face?"

A few local barflies laughed into their glasses, hunched over like a waning reed in the wind, rosy cheeked and bleary eyed.
The horse walked up the bar and awkwardly sat down on a stool which creaked loudly under their weight.
"I'll tell you why" the horse said in a perfect English accent, low and gravelly as if marked by years of smoking.
"There were days when all I concerned myself with was the pursuit of carrots and the occasional sugar cube. I was a stallion, a stud used for breeding but I had one love who I shared all of my time with, galloping across the field".
The bartender froze in place, rag solid inside the glass he was cleaning. The barflies instantly sobered up in the presence of a genuine talking equidae.
The horse looked around and shook his head with a weary smirk. "That's right, I can talk" he said. "I had a human girl who loved me very much and gave me my name. She called me Horace". He shook his head and laughed. "Horace the horse. Jesus, I only understand how stupid that sounds now I can... well... now I can understand".
A couple took out their phones and began to record. Another left in fear. The rest looked on aghast.
"Do you know what happens to a horse farm when they go bankrupt?" Horace asked, bitterness in his voice. "Because I do".
He looked down at the empty bar in front of him. His hoof stomped down. "Absinthe, now. And don't you dare try to fuck me on the sugar cube". The barman hurriedly prepared the drink. "Now, where was I?" he asked as a glass tumbler landed in front of him.
"The farm shut down because we weren't creating enough foals. They wanted to replace me, but the owners daughter loved me so much they couldn't let me go, but they couldn't afford to buy a new stud. They thought something was wrong with me because I wouldn't mate with the other female horses but they were wrong".
Horace looked at the glass and placed a hoof on either side. "There was nothing wrong with me" he said morosely. "I was in love".
He lifted the glass for a moment before it slipped between his hooves and smashed on the floor. He began to cry.
"Jesus fucking christ, I was in love!"
The bartender looked around. The bar was silent. He asked softly; "Wh... what happened to her?"
"They took her to a fucking slaughter house! They took all of them to a fucking slaughter house and now she is either being gnawed on by a rabid fucking dog or being used to glue together young adult novels or some other pointless bullshit".
"My god..." the bartender lamented. "But you... what about you?"
"Me?" Horace replied, eyes staring at the broken glass. "I was bought by a lab and experimented on" he said. "I don't know to what end, but when they were done I was given this curse of sentience... of awareness".
Horace looked up, eyes red. "Every morning I awake aware that I should not be, but also with the biological fear that I don't want to die. I am aware of my own mortality and that I am the only talking horse in the entire goddamn universe". His voice grew hoarse. "Do you know what I used to think about? Huh?! Do you?! I used to think about waking up and eating hay. Fucking hay".
"I... I had no idea that companies were allowed to do that to animals" the bartender said, looking down and shaking his head in sympathetic sorrow.
"They aren't" Horace replied. "That's why they got shut down and they released me into the wild to cover their arses. And now I'm here, telling my stories to strangers who could never even start to understand".
The bar fell silent for a moment. The bartender approached Horace and reassuringly stroked his nose.
"Look mate, I can't say I've been there, but I can say that alcohol isn't the answer". He poured a glass of water and placed a straw inside, placing it in front of Horace with a warm smile.
Horace shook his head, eyes closed and got up from the stool, moving towards the door.
"Haven't you heard?" Horace asked back into the room, door open. "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c39d9e/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender_asks/
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!
*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c39c0m/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree.

Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it suddenly shouted “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said “And you will dialogue!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c393jq/a_lumberjack_went_into_a_magic_forest_to_cut_a/
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Apparently doing your homework while watching stand-up comedy is quite difficult

You'd have to read in between the lines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38zrk/apparently_doing_your_homework_while_watching/
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away

and everyone else you just have to throw it hard enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38ymg/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away/
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What drugs are IT Engineers addicted to?

Codeine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38xxz/what_drugs_are_it_engineers_addicted_to/
%
What did the Pope call Batman when he caught him leaving church early?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38x1v/what_did_the_pope_call_batman_when_he_caught_him/
%
My girlfriend loves my dick.

Her parents always taught her to enjoy little things!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38vgg/my_girlfriend_loves_my_dick/
%
Does anyone know a joke about fruit and vegetables?

Lettuce know if you can think of one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38v2w/does_anyone_know_a_joke_about_fruit_and_vegetables/
%
Why shouldn't you wear ukrainian underpants?

Chernobyl fallout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38uj6/why_shouldnt_you_wear_ukrainian_underpants/
%
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.

So far, it's been seven owls and fifteen jays.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38tgn/im_out_bird_watching_with_sinead_oconnor/
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Why do keyboards never sleep?

Because they have 2 Shifts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38taw/why_do_keyboards_never_sleep/
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Mum are you sure I'm a polar bear?

Yes, why?
Are you really sure?
Yes, of course you are a polar bear, I'm a polar bear, your dad is a polar bear, your grand parents are polar bears, you are a polar bear?
Definitely?
Yes! You were in the coca cola advert and the Olympic logo in 1988! And remember you couldn't be in the john west advert as you aren't a grizzly bear but a polar bear!
There's no doubt on the matter?
Have you ever seen a penguin?
No, because you are a polar bear!
There's no chance I'm not a polar bear?
Do you have big black eye rings? No, that's a panda, you're a polar bear
So 100% I'm a polar bear?
Look son, you are a polar bear, why the questions?
Because I'm fucking freezing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38t5a/mum_are_you_sure_im_a_polar_bear/
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The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38t1k/the_last_words_my_grandma_told_my_grandfather_was/
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear.

I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38s3d/i_come_home_from_work_early_one_day_and_i_see_a/
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What is better than eating a Mandarin? [NSFW]

Eating Amanda out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38rv0/what_is_better_than_eating_a_mandarin_nsfw/
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i've been married two times. my first wife died to poisonous mushrooms. the other sufred severe skull fracture.

\-what happened to her?
\-she didn't want to eat the mushrooms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38rii/ive_been_married_two_times_my_first_wife_died_to/
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Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.

Today he died of his gunshot wounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38qs5/yesterday_a_man_threatened_to_kill_himself_with_a/
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A bartender who hanged dry aged steak made a bet with me.

He said to me “if you can jump up remove the hanged steaks, you can keep the whole thing. If you cannot jump high enough to take them, you pay for everyone’s drinks inside this bar.”
I turned it down, because the steaks were too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38kns/a_bartender_who_hanged_dry_aged_steak_made_a_bet/
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I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy.

I looked at him and thought "you're a plant".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38h4t/i_saw_a_standup_comic_doing_jokes_about_botany/
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My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife.

I swam for the surface instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c38ayf/my_marriage_just_ended_because_i_didnt_open_the/
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A man approached a priest.

Man: "Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?
Priest: "My son, do you mean a choir?"
Man: "Fine Father, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c388jr/a_man_approached_a_priest/
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Muhammad Ali once tried to tell a joke.

But he punched up the fuck line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c387p3/muhammad_ali_once_tried_to_tell_a_joke/
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Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Adolf Hitler are all running in a race, who wins?

Hitler, cause he’s the racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c386zw/martin_luther_king_nelson_mandela_and_adolf/
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My friend drank a tin of wood varnish

In the beginning the death throes were terrible, but a lovely finish.
(This joke was invented and told to me by my uncle Raymond when I was a little kid)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c386l2/my_friend_drank_a_tin_of_wood_varnish/
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A dad is given bad news by a doctor

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.
Dad: AND?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c385zp/a_dad_is_given_bad_news_by_a_doctor/
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An eldrely pilot flies to Berlin.

An elderly pilot flies a private plane to Berlin. He lands, but gets lost on the taxiway. So he panics, stops the engine,  and a massive jam builds up.
The trafic controller asks him angrily over the radio, "Did you ever fly to Berlin before?"
The pilot answers, "I did a few times in 1944, but it was dark, and anyway we didn't land".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c37q44/an_eldrely_pilot_flies_to_berlin/
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Scientists have developed a vaccine against stupidity.

But anti-vaxxers won't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c37q2l/scientists_have_developed_a_vaccine_against/
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Did you hear about the Chinese godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn't understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c37mdz/did_you_hear_about_the_chinese_godfather/
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A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree when it shouted, “ Wait, I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c37jjr/a_lumberjack_went_into_a_magical_forest_to_cut/
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A friend of mine is a flasher...

He was going to retire, but decided to stick it out for another year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c37hub/a_friend_of_mine_is_a_flasher/
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Everyone said life would be different after my vasectomy

But there hasn't been a vas deferens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c37dus/everyone_said_life_would_be_different_after_my/
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I'm sick of all these World War II jokes on here!

Anne Frankly, they're terrible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c37c1f/im_sick_of_all_these_world_war_ii_jokes_on_here/
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I hate immigrants...

If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c37adk/i_hate_immigrants/
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Cucumbers are very good for the memory.

15 year ago my uncle put one in my ass.
I still remember it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c378uu/cucumbers_are_very_good_for_the_memory/
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What is the difference between a bonus and a penis?

Your wife will gladly blow your bonus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c375s9/what_is_the_difference_between_a_bonus_and_a_penis/
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Father and son fishing trip.

A father and his young son head out for a day of fishing. About midday Dad pops the top on a can of beer. His son asks if he could have a sip. Dad asks "Does your dick reach your asshole"? When the boy says no, Dad tells him he's not old enough to drink beer. A few minutes later, Dad lights up a cigar. The little fellow asks if he can have a puff. Again Dad asks " Does your dick reach your asshole"? No. Still not old enough to smoke a cigar. The boy decides to just sit back and enjoy the roast beef sandwich his Mom made him for lunch. Dad looks back and sees him eating, and asks him for a bite. The son asks "Does your dick reach your asshole"? Dad proudly says yes! His son looked him in the eye and said "Then go fuck yourself, cause you're not getting any of my sandwich"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c372ia/father_and_son_fishing_trip/
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Logic

The amount of people who don't know the difference between too and to is two damn high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c36yhk/logic/
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Prison Fun

Bob the stockbroker was convicted of insider trading and sent to federal prison.
He was housed with a big, tough bank robber named Jesse.
Walking into his shared cell for the first time Bob was understandably nervous.
“ Hello there, welcome to your new home” said Jesse holding out his hand.
Bob nervously shook hands introducing himself.
“ Relax Bob, prison is really not so bad it’s what you make of it”.
“For example, Jesse  continued, do you like tennis”?
“Why yes, I do like tennis, I played in college” replied Bob.
“Great said Jesse, you’re going love Monday’s, we play tennis all day, some of the guys are pretty good, it’s lots of fun”
Bob smiled.
“ How about chess? You play chess Bob”?
“ Oh yes, chess is my favorite”!
“ Wonderful! You will enjoy Tuesdays we have a tournament every week” said Jesse.
Bob could feel himself relaxing and starting to like Jesse, he seemed like a decent guy. Maybe prison wasn’t going to be so bad.
“ Well Bob, I think we’re going to get along great, By the way, how do you feel about giving men oral sex? Or how about receiving anal sex”?
“ What?? cried Bob, why no, I don’t like those things at all”!!!
“ Sorry to hear that Bob, I guess you’re really going to hate Wednesdays”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c36vm9/prison_fun/
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Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell?

Reptile Dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c36u8k/why_couldnt_the_turtle_get_his_neck_out_of_his/
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Did you guys hear about the French cheese factory that burnt down recently?

The only thing left was da Brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c36p48/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_french_cheese_factory/
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Two men are playing golf by an old road...

The two men had played through a few holes when a large funeral procession goes down the road.
The first man takes off his hat and puts it over his chest as the motorcade passes. Afterwards he puts his hat back on.
The second man turns to him and says, “Wow, that was really nice of you!”
The first man then says “Yeah, it’s the least I could do, we’d been married for forty-three years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c36ow3/two_men_are_playing_golf_by_an_old_road/
%
My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”
The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.
The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?”
The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!”
The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?”
The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?”
The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c36jwe/my_grandpa_told_me_all_you_kids_do_these_days_is/
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My friend taught me something interesting: the swastika is an ancient Indian religious symbol, only appropriated recently by Hitler as a symbol of hate.

I said, “Brett, that’s interesting, but are you really going to explain that to every employer that asks about your tattoo?“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c36fg2/my_friend_taught_me_something_interesting_the/
%
If you don't remember Bill Cosby

You're not alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c36bcj/if_you_dont_remember_bill_cosby/
%
I went to McDonald's and ordered two large fries

I was so confused when they gave me a bunch of small ones instead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c36ayy/i_went_to_mcdonalds_and_ordered_two_large_fries/
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I asked my doctor if my heart was strong enough for sex.

He said it was ok as long as I didn't join in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c362qt/i_asked_my_doctor_if_my_heart_was_strong_enough/
%
They're making a movie about constipation

But due to delays, they aren't able to release it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c35yet/theyre_making_a_movie_about_constipation/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer

I don’t know what he laced them with? but I have been tripping all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c35xza/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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Death comes to collect a man’s soul.

When he gets to the man’s home, he sees the man and his family are in the middle of party. Death tells the man why he has come.
The man begs death to spare him but death insists that he must start at the top of his list and his name is first.
The man sadly agrees but asks death if he could at least finish up the party with his family. Death agrees and they invite him to join the festivities.
While death is distracted with the party, the man quickly moves his name to the bottom of the list.
Death has a great time and at the end of the party he’s in a good mood. He turns to the man and says,
“You know what? Since you’ve treated me to such a great time, I’ll start from the bottom of the list this time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c35wqs/death_comes_to_collect_a_mans_soul/
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Two boards were arguing one day...

It started off with a little banter but then it escalated quickly!
Board 1: You think you’re such a stud but really you’re knot!
Board 2: yea...well..well..I just watched your slut of a mother just getting nailed... by TWO MEN! One hammering the front, and one hammering back!
(Board 1 with a sliver of emotion) : PLYWOOD YOU SAY SUCH A HORRIBLE THING!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c35w9r/two_boards_were_arguing_one_day/
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A very beautiful women...

A very beautiful women was standing near my office staircase. But I couldn't gather enough courage to ask her out.
So I decided to escalator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c35ig9/a_very_beautiful_women/
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- Boss, I need to leave 2 hours earlier, my wife wants me to go shopping with her.

- No way, go back to work.
- Thank you boss, I knew you wouldn’t let me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c35gdg/boss_i_need_to_leave_2_hours_earlier_my_wife/
%
I heard China recently banned plastic waste

They better not let Kim Kardashian in this week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c35a1j/i_heard_china_recently_banned_plastic_waste/
%
Here's a joke about gay people in Saudi Arabia.

Sorry, haven't yet figured out the execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c357xr/heres_a_joke_about_gay_people_in_saudi_arabia/
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A stand up comedian named Michael went to get his appendix removed. What did he call the night of his surgery?

Open Mike Night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c357gn/a_stand_up_comedian_named_michael_went_to_get_his/
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Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

A: Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c357dg/q_what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel/
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A man walks into a bar with a large reptile on his shoulder.

The bartender see this and asks him what his lizards name is. The man replies, “His name is tiny.” Confused, the bartender asks why he named the lizard tiny when he is obviously not tiny. “Because he’s my newt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3549j/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_large_reptile_on/
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A frog walks into a bank

He approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog  loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c352yb/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank/
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A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with

After the question, the woman doesn't respond.
The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?"
His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling.
The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other..."
Still silence from his wife.
The man, giving up, says "It's OK. Please don't be upset."
Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband, "Damn it! You made me lose count!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c34u5b/a_recently_married_couple_are_in_bed_when_the_man/
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What is the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c34sjb/what_is_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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When my grandpa was on his last legs, he said ' you selfish boy...'

and to honour his memory, I became a fishmonger.
originally from the one and only Milton jones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c34q3j/when_my_grandpa_was_on_his_last_legs_he_said_you/
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Why was t-rex so angry?

You would be angry too if you couldn't masturbate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c34l5v/why_was_trex_so_angry/
%
I went to a confession booth to confess my sins

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned; today I committed all 7 deadly sins in less than one hour.
Priest: well I gotta hear how that happened
Me: I was envious and angry at my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate both of their dinners without sharing any.
Priest: that’s only 6 sins. At least you didn’t commit the most severe sin.
Me: Oh no I reposted too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c34e14/i_went_to_a_confession_booth_to_confess_my_sins/
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A user is new to Reddit.

His friend—who is a longtime user—agrees to show him around the site. They go to r/jokes, and the user simply posts “7.”
Immediately, people begin upvoting and commenting their approval. The new user is puzzled.
The Reddit veteran then posts “13,” much to the pleasure of the sub. The post instantly starts climbing toward the front page. The top comment reads simply “9.”
By this time, the newbie is completely dumbfounded. So he asks “What is going on exactly?”
The veteran explains “This is r/jokes. Every joke has been reposted so many times that we all know them. So we just assigned them numbers to save time.”
“Ahhh, I see. That’s great!” The new user proceeds to with his first post: “11.” Nobody comments. There are no upvotes, and in fact, the single initial upvote is erased by an unknown number of downvotes.
Bewildered, he looks to the expert. “I don’t understand. What happened?”
“Some people just can’t tell a joke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c34cxw/a_user_is_new_to_reddit/
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What do you call a short person on a roundabout?

A Midget Spinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c34c8k/what_do_you_call_a_short_person_on_a_roundabout/
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*WARNING* SPOILER tag is SERIOUS!

Milk and eggs go bad quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c348fw/warning_spoiler_tag_is_serious/
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I call my one night stands potatoes.

First I take them in the sack, then I skin them and carve the eyes out, before cooking them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c346n3/i_call_my_one_night_stands_potatoes/
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Why don't vultures ever lose their luggage?

They only bring carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c33x5q/why_dont_vultures_ever_lose_their_luggage/
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My wife and I agreed that if I ever quit working we would sever ties

Because I wouldn't have a use for them anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c33vtz/my_wife_and_i_agreed_that_if_i_ever_quit_working/
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I always try to predict the punchline to jokes posted here.

I'm still trying to figure this one out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c33v67/i_always_try_to_predict_the_punchline_to_jokes/
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My next joke is called heart disease.

Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c33v49/my_next_joke_is_called_heart_disease/
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One day, a man decides he wants to host a costume party.

He decides that he wants an emotion-themed party, so he sends out all his invitations, telling his guests to dress as their favorite emotions.
On the night of the party, his doorbell rings, and he opens the door to find his friend dressed in red. "I'm here for the party" says his friend. "I'm red, because I'm angry".
The host welcomes his friend, and goes back to his party. A little while later, the doorbell rings again. The man opens the door, and is greeted by a man in a green morph suit.
"I'm here for the party" says the guest, "and I'm green with envy". The man welcomes this person in as well.
A short time later, the doorbell rings again. At the door are two naked men. One has his dick in a hollowed-out pear, and the other has his dick in a bowl of custard.
The man is dumbfounded. "This is an emotion costume party. I am afraid that I can't let you in dressed like that". The man with a pear on his dick says in a deep-south accent; "we are dressed as emotions. Can we come in?"
"Ok, you can come in if you can tell me how you are possibly dressed as emotions", says the man.
"Well, you see, I am deep in dis' pear, and my friend here... Well... He is fuckin' dis' custa'd".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c33v0l/one_day_a_man_decides_he_wants_to_host_a_costume/
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I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c33tkt/i_live_in_pripyat_and_i_just_finished_watching/
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What do you call a knight that complains about his job?

Sir Rants-a-lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c33sgq/what_do_you_call_a_knight_that_complains_about/
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XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift’s Spotify streaming record.

even in the afterlife, he’s still beating women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c33r7u/xxxtentacion_just_beat_taylor_swifts_spotify/
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My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum that I had to choose between her and my career as a reporter.

I have some breaking news for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c33qwa/my_girlfriend_gave_me_an_ultimatum_that_i_had_to/
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The only woman I ever loved, before she left, told me that I'm fat, ugly, and stupid.

Jokes on her though. I could always lose weight, get plastic surgery, and read a book.
Even after she gets back from rehab, she'll still always be MY mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c33pzj/the_only_woman_i_ever_loved_before_she_left_told/
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How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?

Too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c33hyc/how_many_grammar_nazis_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Bros Vs. Hoes.

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c33e7i/bros_vs_hoes/
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Charity begins at home

I refuse to give any of my money to the homeless for two reasons.
1) They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.
2) I need it for drugs and alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3343a/charity_begins_at_home/
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We shouldn’t get mad at jojo Siwa

She’s doing asbestos she can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c332z2/we_shouldnt_get_mad_at_jojo_siwa/
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You can't run in a campsite, you can only ran.

Why? Cause it's past tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c332u4/you_cant_run_in_a_campsite_you_can_only_ran/
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What's made of leather, is about a foot long and sounds like a sneeze?

A Shoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c332f3/whats_made_of_leather_is_about_a_foot_long_and/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c331j0/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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A blond girl is driving down a road

and sees another blond in a field prattling a boat through a field she says “It’s blonds like you who make us blonds look dumb, now I’d come out there and kick your ass but I don’t know how to swim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c32zoi/a_blond_girl_is_driving_down_a_road/
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What did the bodyguard tell the president when he spotted a sniper?

Donald, Duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c32za8/what_did_the_bodyguard_tell_the_president_when_he/
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What do you call Alfred Hitchcock with an STD?

Alfred Itchcock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c32ytj/what_do_you_call_alfred_hitchcock_with_an_std/
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I recently learned something about generalizations.

All generalizations are stupid and never work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c32oeu/i_recently_learned_something_about_generalizations/
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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis

That priest is in jail now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c32jhl/i_was_blessed_with_a_9_inch_penis/
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Outsourcing is killing this country

I called a sex hotline and got some dude in Mumbai talking dirty to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3288j/outsourcing_is_killing_this_country/
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Disneyland prices are now well over $100 a person.

maybe now they'll buy Donald Duck some pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c32652/disneyland_prices_are_now_well_over_100_a_person/
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For years, I was begging my girlfriend for anal sex. Finally, today, on my 30th birthday she said yes

and pulled out a huge strapon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c324yc/for_years_i_was_begging_my_girlfriend_for_anal/
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So I went to a psychic and knocked on the door, she yelled "who is it?"

So I left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c31zdm/so_i_went_to_a_psychic_and_knocked_on_the_door/
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A Native American boy asks his father how he chose his sisters names.

His father goes on to explain, “Right after your oldest sister was born, I ran out of the teepee and saw a floating feather. So I named her Floating Feather. After your other sister was born, I ran out of the teepee and saw a shooting star. So I named her Shooting Star. After your youngest sister was born, I ran out of the teepee and saw a rose bud flower, so I named her, Rose Bud.
Why do you ask Pooping Bear?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c31tyu/a_native_american_boy_asks_his_father_how_he/
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Last night, while I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, I couldn’t help but wonder...

...where the fuck did the roof go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c31tea/last_night_while_i_was_lying_in_bed_looking_up_at/
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Why didn't the sun go to school?

It already had a thousand degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c31sb6/why_didnt_the_sun_go_to_school/
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4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven...

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven.
St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The second nun replies hesitantly, "Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand."
St. Peter smiles and says, "Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven.
At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, "Listen, I better go next because I'm not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c31pn3/4_nuns_arrive_at_the_pearly_gates_of_heaven/
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Moist people won’t get this joke...

Reddit hates typos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c31onw/moist_people_wont_get_this_joke/
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A couple of homies were walking through the hood

As they were walking down the road, one of the dudes saw a super sexy, curvy girl walking the opposite direction across the street. He kept walking but turned his head to continue checking her out. A few moments later he tripped on a bump in the road and slammed his face into the pavement. His homie heard the commotion, turned around, and yelled “bro! What happened?! Why’d you fall over??”
Groaning, he replied, “it’s dat asphalt!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c31m8d/a_couple_of_homies_were_walking_through_the_hood/
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A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
He hands her $10
"Well, wash your hands, I want 2 cheeseburgers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c31lbc/a_man_stands_in_front_of_a_food_truck_and_reads/
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I heard it's forbidden to count in Afghanistan...

because of the tally ban.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c31k4m/i_heard_its_forbidden_to_count_in_afghanistan/
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My son told me he wants to be an astronaut.

I told him that the skies the limit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c31i9u/my_son_told_me_he_wants_to_be_an_astronaut/
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My tinder date called herself "AnalBabe86"

But all she did was complain my tie wasn't on straight and I held my fork funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c31eh4/my_tinder_date_called_herself_analbabe86/
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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”
The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.
The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?”
The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!”
The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?”
The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?”
The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c319j5/my_grandpa_told_me_all_you_kids_do_these_days_is/
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Did you know diarrhea is genetic?

It runs in your jeans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3189q/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_genetic/
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A man and his pet ostrich walks into a bar

They had been locals a long time, but instead of asking for his regular, he says," I have a feeling something specials going to happen, i'll have a whiskey."
"And the same for me," says the ostrich.
The bartender then serves the drinks and the man pays in exact change.
The bartender asks the man," everytime you bought something from here you always gave me the exact change. How did you do it?"
To which the man replies," Once, i was cleaning my attic and i found a genie in a lamp. The genie gave me two wishes and i wished that whenever i needed to pay for anything the correct money would be there in my pocket."
"Thats great! Whether it be a car or a carton of milk you will always have enough money, i mean most people would wish for something like 1 million pounds but you will never run out of money! By the way, whats up with the ostrich?"
"My second wish was for a chick with long legs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c315fg/a_man_and_his_pet_ostrich_walks_into_a_bar/
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Donald Trump did and goes to hell

Donal Trump dies and goes to hell. When he arrives at the door, the devil said “I don’t know what to tell you. You’re on the list, but there’s no room left. However, there’s three people in here who all were better than you, so, here’s what I’ll do: I’ll show you the three people, and their punishment, and I’ll let you choose which punishment you get. So, the devil opens one door, and Donald looks in. The was Richard Nixon, who dove into a pool of water, then after a few seconds, surfaced with nothing. Donald Trump said “I definitely can’t do this, my hair will get all wet”. “Alright” said the devil, who led him to a second door. Inside was Ronald Reagan with a hammer, who would grab a brick, hit it with a hammer, destroying it, then repeating. Donald Trump said “I can’t do this, either, I have this thing with my shoulder” The devil said “Alright” and led him to the third door. When he opened it, Trump saw Bill Clinton, with his legs tied down in an eagle-spread position. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Trump said “Oh, yeah, man, I can totally do this”. The devil said “Ok, Monica, you can go!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c312wy/donald_trump_did_and_goes_to_hell/
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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table...

He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. "Oh my, I am so sorry," she says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can't believe his luck. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c30zjs/this_guy_is_dining_alone_in_a_fancy_restaurant/
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What do epileptic ship captains deal with?

Sea-zures
(This is a bad joke; I'll sea myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c30khb/what_do_epileptic_ship_captains_deal_with/
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Bilingual dad joke

What do you call a pineapple with grandkids?
Anana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c30g2n/bilingual_dad_joke/
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There are 10 types of people...

People who have no idea where this is going
People who think this is a binary joke
And people who get that this joke is actually in base-3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c309d2/there_are_10_types_of_people/
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Just a tip for you guys if you ever end up going to prison.

When you're in the showers, don't drop the soap.
It's a pain in the ass to pick up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c309ai/just_a_tip_for_you_guys_if_you_ever_end_up_going/
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Want to become hot stuff and have people chasing after you and literally begging you to stop running away from them?

Be a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3072l/want_to_become_hot_stuff_and_have_people_chasing/
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A man walks into a clock shop...

where a smoking hot girl is working behind the counter. He walks straight up to the counter, looks her in the eye, and lobs is cock out onto the counter.
The girl, very shocked, says "excuse me sir, I think you've the wrong kind of establishment, this is a clock shop!"
The man says "I know it is; put 2 hands and a face on that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c3014j/a_man_walks_into_a_clock_shop/
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I hate Russian dolls...

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2zwoz/i_hate_russian_dolls/
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My friend said he didn't understand cloning.

I said "That makes two of us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2zwlm/my_friend_said_he_didnt_understand_cloning/
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2 deer walk out of a bar.

Deer 1: I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there!
Deer 2: I can't believe I got fucked over by nearly 30 bucks in there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2zuv4/2_deer_walk_out_of_a_bar/
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Giving 118%

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give morethan 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
To consider these questions mathematically, let use represent the alphabet numerically by identifying sequence of letters (A,B,C,...,X,Y,Z) with the percentages (1%,2%,3%,...,24%,25%,26%).
Then
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = (8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11)% = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = (11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5)% = 96%.
But
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = (1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5)% = 100%
and
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = (2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20)% = 103%
.
And just look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = (1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7) = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work or knowledge will get you close to 100%, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshitand ass kissing that will put you over the top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ztcc/giving_118/
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I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.

So far, it's been seven owls and fifteen jays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2zrkc/im_out_bird_watching_with_sinead_oconnor/
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I am so popular among girls that they wink at me all the time

I just don't understand why they do it with both their eyes at the same time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2zof5/i_am_so_popular_among_girls_that_they_wink_at_me/
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Stop Means Stop (Long)

While on a business trip in Dublin from London, a young lawyer ran a stop sign and got pulled over. Having heard before that the Irish Police are not the cleverest bunch this lawyer thought to himself "This will be easy".
"Good evening officer, how can i help you today?" The Lawyer says politely. The officer was abrupt with his reply. "Sir, are you aware that you did not bring your vehicle to a complete stop at the stop sign back there." The lawyer responds " Yes officer, well you see the thing is I am a little late for a meeting you see. So rather than stop, I slowed my car right down, as I approached the junction I saw no traffic coming from any direction so i rolled through with caution as I seen no reason to stop." The officer was unimpressed with this answer and explained to the lawyer that this sign does not say slow down , it says to stop. The Lawyer tried to explain his reasoning again but the officer did not want to hear it. "Why don't you get out of the car and i can give you a quick demonstration of the difference between slowing down and stopping."
The lawyer complies and steps out of the car at which point the officer takes his baton and starts beating the lawyer viciously. "Agh! Stop!! Stop!!!" Screams the lawyer, is serious pain.... So the officer begins to beat him slowly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2znfn/stop_means_stop_long/
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What do you call a bunch of dolls waiting in line?

A Barbie queue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2zmqb/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_dolls_waiting_in_line/
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What's a cowboy's favorite car?

Audi, partner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2zkji/whats_a_cowboys_favorite_car/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2zimi/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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Saw a truck today that had a bumper sticker that said "Powered by Jesus"

...he probably gets pretty good Miles per Galilean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2zgkj/saw_a_truck_today_that_had_a_bumper_sticker_that/
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Why can’t OJ Simpson go to a comedy club?

Because his jokes kill them every time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ze6h/why_cant_oj_simpson_go_to_a_comedy_club/
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A French woman, a German woman and an Irish woman are talking about sex

French Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Louis, your balls are so hot!"
German Woman: And so what? Does it work?
French Woman: If it works? My husband gets so horny and excited when i tell him that, he fucks me so hard and so good for like ten times in a row! I'm just so happy!
The German woman seems very interested in it, and says she'll do that.
The next day the three women meet again.
German Woman: You won't believe it but your method actually worked wonders! My husband came back home from work and got a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hands and told him "Hans, you balls are so hot!". He went totally mad and banged me ten times in a row!
At this point the Irish woman is convinced and decides to try that herself.
The next day the three women meet again. They find the Irish woman in a terrible state. She has two missing teeth, a broken arm, she was just all bruised and battered.
Her two friends asked her what happened.
Irish Woman: I did just what you said. My husband came back home from work, he grabbed his beer and took a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hand, but them were cold. So i told him: "Sean, why your balls are not as hot as Louis's and Hans's?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2z37b/a_french_woman_a_german_woman_and_an_irish_woman/
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in London...

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please and are all just want, want, fucking want.
No wonder you are on you own, you deserve being left on the shelf.  Now fuck off!
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have some money and like a beer and a shag whenever you fancy!
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2yzft/a_store_that_sells_new_husbands_has_opened_in/
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They must have really slow PCs at Lowes.

They have had a sign out front that says, "Now installing Windows" for about a week now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2yygx/they_must_have_really_slow_pcs_at_lowes/
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Hey girl, are you hiding opiates in your bra

Because I see a perky-set

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2yxnp/hey_girl_are_you_hiding_opiates_in_your_bra/
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And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John and came fifth, and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ytum/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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I wrote a theatrical production called "Puns"

It's a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ytik/i_wrote_a_theatrical_production_called_puns/
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What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to go to work in the morning?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2yq7i/what_did_the_father_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when/
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What's the difference between a good and a bad porno?

After about a minute i'll stop watching a good one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ynvs/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_and_a_bad/
%
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sake, buy yourself a razor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2yne3/there_is_a_girl_walking_up_the_stairs_in_a_church/
%
Title

A guy walks in a bar and asks the bartender:
Guy: Hey are you gay?
Bartender: Damn straight
Guy: \*sighs\* The search continues..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ykkh/title/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was out-standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ykdf/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
I'm pretty much invincible to everything,

except the back of my foot getting peed on. It's my R Kelley's heel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2yjws/im_pretty_much_invincible_to_everything/
%
Why do cannibals’ kids hate going to the hospital?

Because they have to eat all the vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2yjt2/why_do_cannibals_kids_hate_going_to_the_hospital/
%
Edna always loved the birds

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If  you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't  charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word.  He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not even a "gulp"...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2yie9/edna_always_loved_the_birds/
%
I had to start deliverin pizzas

Cause i knead the dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2yhgl/i_had_to_start_deliverin_pizzas/
%
There once was a woman who had 100 children

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except for Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother about it afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact, they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicion, they named the dog This so the name could be used in conversations.
One day This ran away. After that day, they never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2yh00/there_once_was_a_woman_who_had_100_children/
%
What's the real difference between jam and jelly?

My office printer sure doesn't jelly every single FUCKING THING I TRY TO PRINT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ygtk/whats_the_real_difference_between_jam_and_jelly/
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Creativity is the mother of efficiency

An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his  Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden , but it was very hard work as the  ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be  able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I'm just  getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here  my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot  for me....Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug  up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the  old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from  his son:
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ydlc/creativity_is_the_mother_of_efficiency/
%
“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.

“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied.
After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”
“Oh, nothing,” the boy said.  “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ydfl/dad_are_bugs_good_to_eat_asked_the_boy/
%
Why did the Mexican dude push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ycvq/why_did_the_mexican_dude_push_his_wife_off_a_cliff/
%
Where did the hacker go?

I don't know, he ransomware

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ycex/where_did_the_hacker_go/
%
Went to confession today.

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.
PRIEST: Wow! I gotta hear this.
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily seduced his wife, ate all his groceries and didn’t share.
PRIEST: You forgot about pride.
ME: No, I’m pretty proud of this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ya6l/went_to_confession_today/
%
I was asked to fit new flooring in an Egyptian pharaohs tomb, they asked me to start at the bottom and work my way up to the top.

It wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme but it was multi level carpeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2y67s/i_was_asked_to_fit_new_flooring_in_an_egyptian/
%
I once dated a girl with a twin..

People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock.
Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2y4f3/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_a_twin/
%
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

I say one word. "School."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2y3a6/as_an_aussie_americans_are_always_asking_me_where/
%
People call me a dickhead

But for some reason they’re always looking down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2y2ul/people_call_me_a_dickhead/
%
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

I don't remember the rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2y0qo/cardi_b_and_bill_cosby_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What did divers find on the sea floor of Reddit?

This sub, full of recycled garbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2xqbi/what_did_divers_find_on_the_sea_floor_of_reddit/
%
I really wanted massive upvotes on my jokes about retired people

But none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2xq39/i_really_wanted_massive_upvotes_on_my_jokes_about/
%
Quitting smoking is easy

I’ve done it many times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2xnqz/quitting_smoking_is_easy/
%
7 dwarfs in bed feeling happy

Happy got out and they all felt grumpy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2xmmo/7_dwarfs_in_bed_feeling_happy/
%
A man crashed and burned to death last night during a police chase.

He was incarcinerated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2xlmr/a_man_crashed_and_burned_to_death_last_night/
%
Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church.

The priest asks “What are you doing here?”
HB replies “You can’t have mass without me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2xiek/higgs_boson_walks_into_a_catholic_church/
%
Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2xh9i/two_nuns_are_ordered_to_paint_a_room/
%
A group of doctors were getting frustrated while discussing their failing medical practice...

...they were unfortunately running out of patience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2xgxz/a_group_of_doctors_were_getting_frustrated_while/
%
A guys walks into a bar and orders two beers.

He pounds one and pours the other on his right hand. Promptly he orders two more. Pounding one, he pours the other on his right hand.
He orders another two beers and the bartender asks, "Mister why you drinking one of them beers and pouring the other on your hand?"
"I want my date to be as drunk as I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2xds3/a_guys_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_two_beers/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

If you hold on too long it becomes really messy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2x3c8/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
I have lots of jokes about unemployed people...

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2wqgs/i_have_lots_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
On a Sunday night, where it rained heavily, I turned to my son.

"It's Mon soon, see son?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2wo0x/on_a_sunday_night_where_it_rained_heavily_i/
%
RIP: Boiling water

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2wnwl/rip_boiling_water/
%
A doctor arrives in a town and goes to the gas station to refuel.

But there was no one there. He honks his horn and a little boy appears informing him:
Sir, nobody is coming, Mr Karipocapote 's daughter, the boss, has died and they are all in the funeral.
The doctor thinks,  now what do I do?
He decides to go to the funeral. He approaches the coffin and sees something strange.
He call the girl's father and say:
Listen, I'm a doctor and this woman is not dead, she's in a catatonic state.
Where do you find her?
\-In her room, her boyfriend find her
\-where is he?, ask the doctor
\-Im here doctor.
Then doctors says:
\-well, take the body to a room and you have to make love to her.
\- Really, doctor ??? are you kidding me? says the father
\-Of course not, I told you I'm a doctor., trust me
The boyfriend go to a room and does what the docto said, after a few minutes the girl  resurrected  and came back to herself very happy and smiling, everyone celebrates it, they fill the gas tank of the doctor's car and he goes on his way.
After few weaks, the doctor decides to return to the town to see how the girl was, and to greet that nice people and, to repost  gas.
He goes to the gas station and it was empty again, he blows the horn, and the same little boy appears:
\-Doctor, luckily you has returned, a week ago Don Karipocapote died, half of the town has fucked him but he doesn't resurrect!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2wm5a/a_doctor_arrives_in_a_town_and_goes_to_the_gas/
%
[Long] Rabbi Goldman, World Traveller, comes to a lovely island in the South Pacific.

It's a beautiful place, lush and vibrant, and it's home to a tribe called the Trids. Goldman makes a good impression on them, and they're a very welcoming people already, so it' s not long before they're having a nice cookout to welcome him.
While they're eating, Rabbi Goldman looks inland, and sees a tall, truncated mountain in the center of the island. There's a plateau at the top, but he can't see what's up there. So he, ever curious, approaches one of the Trid elders, and asks:
"That plateau, up there. What gives? What's up there?"
The islander shakes her head. "We're not really sure. See, we can't get up there."
"Why not?", asks the Rabbi.
"Well," says the islander, "there's a giant who lives up there. He has for generations. And for all those generations, whenever one of us tries to climb up there...?" She flicks her fingers and makes a knocking sound with her tongue on the roof of her mouth. "The giant comes over, and he kicks us off the mountain."
The Rabbi scratches his chin. "You don't say."
"Hey, if you're thinking what I think you're thinking, Goldman -- don't. He'll just kick you off, too."
"We'll see about that," says he, and goes back to his feast.
&nbsp;
The next morning rolls around, and right at the crack of dawn, Goldman heads out of the village and toward the mountain. He spends the day climbing up the slope, scrambling over boulders, squeezing between jagged outcroppings. But he perseveres, and by mid-afternoon, he reaches the top -- and there, he discovers a garden paradise, with fertile orchards, flowers like fireworks, and the sweet, heady scent of some come-hither vine.
...and the giant. Twelve feet tall if he's an inch, the giant lumbers up to the edge of the plateau, a gruff, bestial vision of savagery and fury.
...and he stands there, and does nothing.
Goldman stands his ground; still, nothing happens. Finally, he shrugs, and says:
"Hello, giant. Look, I have to admit, I'm surprised you haven't kicked me off your mountain yet."
The giant chortles, and roars back:
"Ha! Silly Rabbi! Kicks are for Trids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2wimx/long_rabbi_goldman_world_traveller_comes_to_a/
%
My ex wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2we52/my_ex_wife_still_misses_me/
%
A guy is ready to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant while his wife is late and still getting ready.

He sees her using a hair straightener.
He asks: "Why do you use that"
\- "It makes my hair look longer"
Later the next day, at the hospital
Dr: "Now, Mr. Howard, would you please like to explain to me why you have 2nd-degree burns on your penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2wc31/a_guy_is_ready_to_go_to_dinner_at_a_fancy/
%
What did the cow say to the blind farmer with only one arm?

Moo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2wb3k/what_did_the_cow_say_to_the_blind_farmer_with/
%
Why did the broken printer become a rockstar?

Because it liked to jam all the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2wa6z/why_did_the_broken_printer_become_a_rockstar/
%
A Marine Corps is training in the woods

They have to disguise themselves as trees and stand still until their Drill Seargent allows them to move.
After 17 hours one of the soldiers freaks out and starts jumping around. The Seargent, visibly upset, approaches him.
Seargent: „Soldier! What the fuck are you doing?“
Soldier: „Sir, after 5 hours there was a dog and he started peeing on me. I didn‘t move an inch.“
Seargent: „Yes, I saw that.“
Soldier: „A few hours later Sir, there was this young couple. And when the guy pulled out a knive to carve a heart into my left butt cheek, it hurt, but I didn‘t move.“
Seargent: „I understand. But you moved now. Explain yourself soldier!“
Soldier: „Well I finally had enough when those 2 squirrels climbed up inside my pants and one said to the other, let‘s eat the nuts now and keep the pine cone for later.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2w4jm/a_marine_corps_is_training_in_the_woods/
%
Dark humor no joke

Kid: Mom, what is dark humor ?
Mom: Do you see that man without arms over there ? Tell him to clap.
Kid: Mom ! I am blind.
Mom: Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2w22q/dark_humor_no_joke/
%
What's made of leather, is about a foot long and sounds like a sneeze?

A Shoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2w1y2/whats_made_of_leather_is_about_a_foot_long_and/
%
Why did Nintendo decide to shut down the Miiverse?

They grew tired of all the wiiposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2w0y9/why_did_nintendo_decide_to_shut_down_the_miiverse/
%
What do you call a fish rapper?

Swim Shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2w0u5/what_do_you_call_a_fish_rapper/
%
Three men are captured by bandits

They are brought to a garden and are told to find ten of one fruit.
The first man comes back with ten apples. The bandits tell him to shove them up his ass. If he makes a sound, he dies.
After three apples, the first man couldn't take it anymore and begins to cry. He was immediately beheaded.
Then, the second man comes back with ten grapes. On his ninth grape, he begins to laugh. He was executed.
In heaven, the first man asks the second,
'Why did you laugh? '
the second replies
'Because I saw the third man coming back with pineapples! '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vz73/three_men_are_captured_by_bandits/
%
You know what they call a straight pride parade?

Traffic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vy6m/you_know_what_they_call_a_straight_pride_parade/
%
Why didn't Confucius wear condoms

Because he who has a hot iron, melts rubber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vxop/why_didnt_confucius_wear_condoms/
%
What do you call an upper class plant

A bourgeoitree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vxiy/what_do_you_call_an_upper_class_plant/
%
Murphy met Sharon at his bar one night.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Murphy to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Murphy's manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, Murphy comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vv3e/murphy_met_sharon_at_his_bar_one_night/
%
An asian girl gets stung by a bee.

She runs into her house in a panic and tells for father " Daddy, daddy, I just got stung by a bee!!"
Her father looks at her disappointed and angry and says  "What wrong with you?! Why you no get stung by A?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vtb7/an_asian_girl_gets_stung_by_a_bee/
%
A warlock, a cleric, and a sorcerer walk into a bar.

They order a few too many drinks and all begin boasting about their magic abilities, arguing over whose are better. Unable to agree who is the strongest, they decide that the best way to settle it is to have a contest.
Whoever can get them kicked out of the bar wins.
The warlock starts by summoning a lesser demon, who roars loudly, causing a customer to leave. The bartender is used to these acts, and decides to let it slide. “They are paying customers” he mutters to himself.
Next is the cleric, who summons a celestial. It attacks the demon, creating quite the commotion. The bartender seems less amused, as more customers start to leave the bar. “They’ve ordered almost as many drinks as the rest of the customers combined,” he again reasons to himself, “let them be.”
Finally, it’s the sorcerer’s turn. He realizes he may have bit off more than he could chew. Looking around the room, it hits him. He picks a torch on the wall and uses his strongest animation spell on it. “AHHHHHHHH!” says the torch, and immediately starts peeing on the table of the last group of customers in the bar. They get up, talking about how disgusting the place is. This is the last straw for the bartender. Infuriated, he walks over to the drunken mages and exclaims, “Take this pissing match outside!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vqby/a_warlock_a_cleric_and_a_sorcerer_walk_into_a_bar/
%
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a cop pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

The cop says: "Have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vo0n/an_irish_priest_is_driving_along_a_country_road/
%
They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.
She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips. For dessert, just bring the cart."
Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked, "Tell me. Do you eat this well at home too?"
"Well, no," she admitted, "But no one at home wants to Fuck Me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vmif/they_made_an_engaging_looking_couple_in_the_swank/
%
I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.
^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vm40/i_once_dated_a_girl_that_owned_a_parrot_that/
%
My uncle told me I'm the favorite daughter of his brother

which is niece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vkzv/my_uncle_told_me_im_the_favorite_daughter_of_his/
%
Honesty is the best policy

At dinner with friends and family, Johnny was asked to say the prayer.
"But I don't know how to pray", he replied.
"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc...", said his father.
"Okay", the boy said.
"*Dear Lord, thank you for the visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work. AMEN!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vkxp/honesty_is_the_best_policy/
%
How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear?

When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vjry/how_many_times_is_too_many_times_wearing_the_same/
%
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vjoa/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant/
%
I tossed my wife into a well, but then I thought this was too harsh and threw her smartphone after her.

So she can now enjoy digital well-being

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vjk5/i_tossed_my_wife_into_a_well_but_then_i_thought/
%
What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naaaaaaaa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vj2i/whats_beethovens_favorite_fruit/
%
What do you call a bug on the moon?

A luna tick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vi1i/what_do_you_call_a_bug_on_the_moon/
%
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vgot/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
%
Well...

... this joke is deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vcvm/well/
%
If you are looking for a slutty halloween costume

Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vcox/if_you_are_looking_for_a_slutty_halloween_costume/
%
I'm going to freeze myself -273.15°

My friends are worried, but i will be 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2vbbq/im_going_to_freeze_myself_27315/
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The only difference between a doctor and god

Is God doesn't think he's a doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2v8o0/the_only_difference_between_a_doctor_and_god/
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Some of my favorites

Where do rabbits fly? Hare Force One.
What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.
What do you call a jacket that’s on fire? A blazer.
I have 3 eyes, 2 noses and 4 mouths. What am I? Ugly.
Why do golfers always have 2 pairs of pants? In case they get a hole-in-one.
On which side does a cat have the most fur? The outside.
I’ll post the rest later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2v3ke/some_of_my_favorites/
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I wrote a book about Nemo and his rage towards plastic. In the end he dies

The books called Nemo 3: The last straw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2v2gs/i_wrote_a_book_about_nemo_and_his_rage_towards/
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schrodinger's cat walks into a bar

.....and doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2v1km/schrodingers_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
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I told myself I should quit drinking.

Then I thought about for a moment and realized I shouldn't be listening to some drunk who talks to himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2v1jg/i_told_myself_i_should_quit_drinking/
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The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list.

1. Become a Billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2v0fj/the_new_royal_baby_has_already_done_three_of_the/
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For weeks, I have been trying to convince people on a military history subreddit that I’m French.

Finally I gave up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2uwdf/for_weeks_i_have_been_trying_to_convince_people/
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I bought myself a DeLorean today.

Might take it out from time to time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2uw27/i_bought_myself_a_delorean_today/
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2uvdd/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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An Irish swimmer, A British swimmer and an American swimmer were at the Olympics

The American asks
"What's your favourite stroke?
"Mines the butterfly"
The British swimmer says
"The backstroke"
The Irish swimmer says
"Margaret Thatcher's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2uuka/an_irish_swimmer_a_british_swimmer_and_an/
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How to be cool in 2 steps.

A) Get sunglasses
B)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2utwa/how_to_be_cool_in_2_steps/
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A pirate with a tumor goes to the doctor

Before his screening, he says to the doctor “aye doc, give it to me straight. Just tell me how bad it be on a scale of 1-10”
After the screening, the doctor goes to look at the results. Good news! His tumor isn’t harmful!
The doctor goes back into the pirate’s room smiling and says, “it’s benign!!”
The pirate begins to weep.
“Why ye smiling doc?” He says, “benign almost be ten!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2utuh/a_pirate_with_a_tumor_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”

One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong
One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong
One boy asks “are farts lumpy?”
The teacher says no,
He says “then I definitely shit my pants”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2urmf/kids_in_a_class_are_learning_how_to_use_the_word/
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I used to think that Islamic countries were tight on their drug laws...

...but that can't be right. They still let women get stoned, don't they?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ur1e/i_used_to_think_that_islamic_countries_were_tight/
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My wife said that if this post gets 10,000 upvotes, we can have butt sex

Her exact words were, "you can have anything but sex"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2uq0r/my_wife_said_that_if_this_post_gets_10000_upvotes/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a red head die and end up in heaven

They are greeted by St. Peter outside the gates of heaven.
St. Peter says:  ‘To pass you must tell me one truth about yourself. But If you lie, you will be sent to hell.’
The Red head walks up to him and says:
‘I’m the pretties girl in the world’
St. Peters snaps his fingers and the red head gets sent to hell.
The brunette walks up to him and says:
‘I’m the smartest girl in the world’
Again, St. Peters snaps his fingers and She gets sent to hell.
St. Peter tells the blonde: ‘It’s your turn to say something’
The blonde answers:
‘Uhmmm... I think....’
Before the blonde finishes to talk, St. Peters snaps his fingers and sends her to hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2up39/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_red_head_die_and_end_up/
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I bought a thesaurus from the bookstore the other day! And what do I find when I got home and opened it? Blank pages...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2uozm/i_bought_a_thesaurus_from_the_bookstore_the_other/
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Why did the non-binary farmer go to California in 1841?

Because there be gold in them/their hills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2umpc/why_did_the_nonbinary_farmer_go_to_california_in/
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An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.

I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night.
I got a text from her today that said:  “People  who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2umme/an_attempt_at_oc_after_one_year_on_reddit/
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My wife and kids are going to leave me accusing me of being obsessed with horse racing

And they’re offfffff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ujng/my_wife_and_kids_are_going_to_leave_me_accusing/
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Did you hear about the failed bra business?

There was a lack of good customer support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2udf9/did_you_hear_about_the_failed_bra_business/
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An Aussie starts a conversation with a Kiwi at his farm.

Aussie: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk."
Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Aussie: "Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)
Dog: "Yep"
Aussie: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Aussie: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Aussie: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Kiwi)
Horse: "Yep"
Aussie: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: "Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a fucking liar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ud0o/an_aussie_starts_a_conversation_with_a_kiwi_at/
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John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Keith.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well, she just died and left me everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ubr1/john_decided_to_go_golfing_in_scotland_with_his/
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When you start to Excel

People start to spreadsheet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2u8x5/when_you_start_to_excel/
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A blonde was going up an escalator when it broke down.

She was stuck there for three hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2u8mb/a_blonde_was_going_up_an_escalator_when_it_broke/
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How many popes will you see in your life?

Propably nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2u8ho/how_many_popes_will_you_see_in_your_life/
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I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.

He just came out of the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2u6il/i_have_some_news_for_you_guys_my_monster_is_gay/
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Doesn’t it happen to you that you gain 20 kg for an acting role...

...and then you remember you are not an actor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2u4ma/doesnt_it_happen_to_you_that_you_gain_20_kg_for/
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What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2tnow/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar...

I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2tgka/an_atheist_a_vegan_and_a_crossfitter_walk_into_a/
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My doctor told me i’m a paranoid schizophrenic

well, he didn’t SAY that, but WE know that’s what he was thinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2tbm1/my_doctor_told_me_im_a_paranoid_schizophrenic/
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In “Slaughter” the S comes first.

Then laughter comes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ta6m/in_slaughter_the_s_comes_first/
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I was astonished my girlfriend managed to draw her eyebrows on at the right height instead of too high for once but when I told her...

She didn't seem surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2t49t/i_was_astonished_my_girlfriend_managed_to_draw/
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What does the cat in bird mask say?

Me owl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2t0e1/what_does_the_cat_in_bird_mask_say/
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I met an Australian guy who works in IT.

I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2sxan/i_met_an_australian_guy_who_works_in_it/
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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on.

Not sure why she's so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2swxf/my_sister_asked_for_me_to_bring_her_something/
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#372: A man sees a beautiful woman trying to hitch a lift.

He pulls over, and asks her where she was heading.
She didn't respond vocally, but signalled that she was hard of hearing and to go straight.
Following the road, the guy then comes to a stop at T-junction, which had a lake behind it. Since he didn't know any sign language, he mouthed to her "up or down?"
The lady then took off her panties and ferociously made love to the man. After they were done, the lady jumped out the car, and the man was on his way.
The next day, the man saw the lady again, offered her a lift, and at the same T-junction by the lake, he asked her again "up or down?"
Again, the lady took off her panties and made love to the man...
Three days later, the man saw the lady again, and she had a hearing aid on. On the way to the lake - the guy hoping that they'd make love again - he asks her where she lived. She told him she lived upwards of the lake, and she asked him to take her there directly. They passed the lake, and reached her home, with no sex.
At her gate, the man asked her "when you didn't have your hearing aids, and I asked you 'up or down', why did you make love to me when we stopped by the lake?"
The lady said "my lip reading isn't fantastic, so I thought you were saying 'Fuck or drown.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2suhj/372_a_man_sees_a_beautiful_woman_trying_to_hitch/
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Last night I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.

But it was just a Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2stne/last_night_i_dreamt_i_was_swimming_in_an_ocean_of/
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A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2sjw9/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
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I told my misses that I was going away for the day to try some fishing

“Are you going alone?”she asked
“Of course not” I replied, “ I’m taking Rod and Anette”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2sj5m/i_told_my_misses_that_i_was_going_away_for_the/
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I used to have a hard time with gramatical tenses.

But not yet !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2siml/i_used_to_have_a_hard_time_with_gramatical_tenses/
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Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once in a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2se96/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
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How does Moses make coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2sdv1/how_does_moses_make_coffee/
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What does the ocean use to clean its clothes?

Tide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2scat/what_does_the_ocean_use_to_clean_its_clothes/
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Hello?

Hi! Is this Timmy’s mother?
Yes, how can I help you?
This is Timmy’s art teacher. I’m just calling you to the you that you have a little Vincent Van Gogh on your hands!
Oh wow! That’s just
Yeah we kept the ear on ice but the hospital have told us that there is nothing they can do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2s48e/hello/
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How many Spanish cats does it take to make up a horse?

Catorce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2s3qy/how_many_spanish_cats_does_it_take_to_make_up_a/
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So I walked into this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.

I walked over and said: "So, are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"
So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing I remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2s1hc/so_i_walked_into_this_bar_and_heard_two_girls/
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What kind of bombs is Kim Jong-Un developing?

Unclear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2s0lb/what_kind_of_bombs_is_kim_jongun_developing/
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I am gifting you a Microsoft office license for your birthday

I give you my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2rzzo/i_am_gifting_you_a_microsoft_office_license_for/
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A man has a mule and a sign that says “$10 to make my mule laugh. Make him laugh and you win $100.”

A stranger in town watches for a while and sees people try all kinds of crazy things to make the mule laugh. After a bit he walks over and talks to the miles owner. He finds out no one has ever made the mule laugh. He watches a bit longer before he pulls out $10 and hands it over. The stranger walks over to the mule, whispers in his ear and then stands back. The mule looks a him and then starts to chuckle. The chuckle turns into a laugh and soon the mule is rolling on the ground kicking his legs in his the air.
The owner walks over, hands the stranger $100 and asks, “What’d you say to my mule mister?”  The stranger just pockets the money, shakes his head and says he can’t tell before he leaves.
A year later the stranger returns and sees the same man, the same mule, but a different sign. This time the sign says “$20 to make my mule cry. Make him cry and you win $200.”  Again he watches for a while and sees people try all sorts of strange things. After a bit he goes over to the owner again. The owner gives him a wary look but takes his $20. He tells the stranger he can do anything he wants but he can’t physically harm the mule in any way. The stranger asks if he can take the mule behind a nearby shed and promises not to harm the mule. Finally the owner agrees and the stranger goes over to the mule. When the mule sees the stranger he starts to chuckle and continues to do so as he’s led behind the shed. When he comes back a minute later the stranger is leading a sobbing mule.
The owner walks over wide eyed holding $200. He refuses to hand over the money until the stranger reveals how he made the mule cry. The stranger hesitates for a few seconds and then shrugs. “Last year I told your mule I had a bigger cock than he did. He thought that was funny. This time I proved it to him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2rz8g/a_man_has_a_mule_and_a_sign_that_says_10_to_make/
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Where are average products made?

At the satisfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2rxol/where_are_average_products_made/
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A conversation Over the Walkie talkie.

Girl: Our relationship is over.
Guy: our relationship is what over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2rxeu/a_conversation_over_the_walkie_talkie/
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An alcoholic train conductor derails a passenger train

After being arrested for being clearly drunk the man is trialed for the murder of over a hundred people who lost their lives in the derailment. He is sentenced to death by electric chair.
On death row he is asked for his last meal, for which he requests a banana. He is given his banana and he eats it shortly before being strapped into the electric chair. Enough electricity is pumped through him to kill an elephant, but when the switch is turned off, he remained alive. By law he was released to walk the streets.
Due to his lifetime of employment as a train conductor, he is accepted back to his original job. After three days, he derails another train, belligerently drunk, and is again arrested, trialed, and sentenced to death by electric chair for multiple dozen more lives he brought to an end.
This time on death row when they asked him for his final meal, he requests two bananas. The guards become suspicious, but they give him two bananas and watch closely to ensure no fowl play as he eats them. He is strapped to the chair, electrocuted, but still survives. The guards are in awe, yet by law, or perhaps by some force of god at this point, they let him free to walk the streets again.
Against all odds, the alcoholic conductor is again reinstated to his previous job. His first day back he derails a final train, killing hundreds more yet again, and believe it or not he was drunk, and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Finding himself on death row yet again, being asked for his third final meal, the conductor requests three bananas. With suspicion growing the guards decide not to appease the mans final request, saying screw that conductor and his bananas.
They strap him to the electric chair, turn the voltage up all they way, and flip the switch. Sparks fly, and lights flicker for minutes, much longer than it should take to kill a man, yet when the power finally gives, the conductor is still sitting there alive and well.
In awe at how a man could withstand such electricity on several occasions, one guard turns to the other and says:
“I guess he was just a shitty conductor”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ruig/an_alcoholic_train_conductor_derails_a_passenger/
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A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2rsht/a_lumberjack_walks_into_an_enchanted_forest_as_he/
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I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A...E...I...O...U...and sometimes, Y."

The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2rr4s/i_looked_longingly_into_my_beloveds_eyes_and/
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Why do fencers hate Reddit?

They've all been banned for riposting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2rr0n/why_do_fencers_hate_reddit/
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After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50

, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...
she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping centre:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
😁😁

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2rj71/after_my_retirement_at_the_company_i_worked_at/
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Pirate joke ++

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender politely says, "Excuse me, sir, are you aware you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says, "Yarrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2rfs1/pirate_joke/
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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2re6g/a_teenage_boy_was_delivering_papers_to_an/
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A woman goes to see her therapist...

The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?"
"I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman.
The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?"
The woman begins to scream.
"Oh, I see..."
The woman screams even louder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2rdk8/a_woman_goes_to_see_her_therapist/
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My wife just left me

because of my insecurities.
Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2r92x/my_wife_just_left_me/
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Doctor: "Sir, I have a bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."

Patient: "I don't understand, doc. Why?"
Doctor: "Because I am trying to examine you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2r1kw/doctor_sir_i_have_a_bad_news_im_afraid_youre/
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What's Al Qaida's favorite football team?

The New York Jets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2qy62/whats_al_qaidas_favorite_football_team/
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You're walking through the woods late at night, and come across a group of killer clowns. What's the best move to keep yourself alive?

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2qw94/youre_walking_through_the_woods_late_at_night_and/
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If you ever get attacked by a gang of clowns

Go straight for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2qqlg/if_you_ever_get_attacked_by_a_gang_of_clowns/
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A good romance starts with trust, kindness, and mutual respect.

A bad romance starts with RAH RAH AH AH AH...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2qnhr/a_good_romance_starts_with_trust_kindness_and/
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Blonde loses her dog

A blonde lost her dog, and she told a friend she'd tried everything to find him. 'I've even put notices all over town, but no luck yet', she said. 'What did you put on the notice?' her friend asked. 'Here boy', said the blonde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2qmez/blonde_loses_her_dog/
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The bears who died and turned into skin carpets were probably surprised when it happened.

Their jaws dropped on the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ql23/the_bears_who_died_and_turned_into_skin_carpets/
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I met an older woman in a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a sixty-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a "Sportsman's Double". "What's that?", I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't". We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Tonight's your lucky night". We went back to her place. Walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mom... You still awake?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2qk00/i_met_an_older_woman_in_a_bar_last_night/
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Tickled my little sister's foot this morning. Mom went crazy about it.

Something about waiting until she's born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2qakh/tickled_my_little_sisters_foot_this_morning_mom/
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In laughter the L comes first.

The rest of the letters come aughter it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2q9da/in_laughter_the_l_comes_first/
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I read an article called "7 signs you might be an overachiever"

I related to 8 of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2q8f8/i_read_an_article_called_7_signs_you_might_be_an/
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My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.

Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2q5dn/my_roommate_claims_im_schizophrenic/
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Genie: Ok so you know the drill

there are three rules:
I cannot make someone fall in love of you.
I cannot bring someone back from the dead.
I cannot kill someone.
- I want to look good in my ID card picture.
- OK, there are FOUR rules...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2q4i0/genie_ok_so_you_know_the_drill/
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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.
One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a beautiful girl. He pulls her from the wreck, gives her food and water, and dresses her wounds.
Very grateful, she steps up close and whispers in his ear "I will do anything for you for saving my life, anything. Just name it".
"For the love of god, can you hold this camel still"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2q2v7/a_guy_gets_lost_in_the_desert_he_has_food_water/
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I used to listen to the band Staind all the time...

But...its been a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2q2iw/i_used_to_listen_to_the_band_staind_all_the_time/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2pyb2/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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The best part of being a flight attendant

Has to be when you walk the aisle saying "trash" to everyone's face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2pxsb/the_best_part_of_being_a_flight_attendant/
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Canada just announced that they are launching their first manned space shuttle next year.

They are calling it the Apollo-G.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2px3a/canada_just_announced_that_they_are_launching/
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There was this student who had lost his glasses.

so he attended a C# class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2pjwz/there_was_this_student_who_had_lost_his_glasses/
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A student walks into a bar

They pass and have a very successful lawyering career.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2pfsy/a_student_walks_into_a_bar/
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My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2pfq9/my_doctor_recently_wrote_me_a_prescription_for/
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A group of Minnesota friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That evening, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry"? the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail", the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back"? they inquired.
"A tough call", nodded the hunter. "But there’s no way I could have carried both of them and I figured no one's going to steal Henry".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2pez1/a_group_of_minnesota_friends_went_deer_hunting/
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A lady went into a bar and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2peka/a_lady_went_into_a_bar_and_saw_a_cowboy_with_his/
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A truck full of wigs tipped over on a motorway today.

The cause is unclear but the police are still combing the area..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2pdd6/a_truck_full_of_wigs_tipped_over_on_a_motorway/
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A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday,I will stop having sex with my neighbor, I will be honest and forthcoming with my wife and will never lie again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2pa2w/a_guy_is_late_for_an_important_meeting/
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A fisherman walks into r/jokes

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing.
The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod."
"Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before."
"No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman.
The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC.
The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish."
"Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street".
"No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'.
"Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time".
"No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes."
The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?"
The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?"
The fisherman nods.
The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense.
He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?"
The fisherman says "I can't answer that here".
The bartender asks "Why not?"
The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2owui/a_fisherman_walks_into_rjokes/
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I could have been an astronaut,

but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ovzo/i_could_have_been_an_astronaut/
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NSFW Two pickets to Tittsburgh

Two guys are sitting next to each other on the airplane, each has a black eye. One looks at the other and says "what are the odds? What happened to your eye?"
The other guy replies "it was a bit of a Freudian slip. The woman helping me at the ticket counter had the biggest tits I'd ever seen. Instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked if I could have two pickets to Tittsburgh and she punched me right the eye. What happened to you?"
The first guy replies "mine too was a bit of a Freudian slip. Instead of asking my wife to pass the milk at breakfast this morning, I said "YOU FUCKING BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2orpg/nsfw_two_pickets_to_tittsburgh/
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(NSFW) So me and a couple of my friends agreed to a threesome

And we went at it for forty five minutes, slapping cheeks, swearing, sweating but then I stop and I ask him, “Hey bro, when is she getting here?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ophj/nsfw_so_me_and_a_couple_of_my_friends_agreed_to_a/
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Which is correct: “I can write with both of my arms,” or “I can write with all of my arms.”?

It depends where you are. In the UK, for example, you would use “both,” while in Chernobyl, you would use “all.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2omrr/which_is_correct_i_can_write_with_both_of_my_arms/
%
The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ohoq/the_ghost_busters_enterd_the_hospital_to_see/
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The one thing I know about purchasing land:

You have to buy a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2odcm/the_one_thing_i_know_about_purchasing_land/
%
A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2obz4/a_beautiful_woman_loves_to_garden_but_cant_seem/
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A pirate goes to the doctor...

So a pirate goes to the doctor and says, “I have moles on me back, aaarrrgghh.”
The doctor says, “It’s ok, they’re benign.”
Pirate: “Count again, I think there be ten!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2o8ge/a_pirate_goes_to_the_doctor/
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My friend made it his life’s mission to fight poverty.

He wrestles homeless guys every weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2o86a/my_friend_made_it_his_lifes_mission_to_fight/
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A guy walking on the beach finds a girl with no arms or legs... (NSFW)

He walks up and sees that she is crying, so he asks "hey why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
Laying there in the sand she sobbingly says "I have no arms or legs. No one has found me attractive my entire life and I've never been kissed before."
So this guy, being a nice guy decides "I'll help her out" and kisses her. But the crying doesnt end there. He asks again "hey, hey, what's wrong?"
"All my life I've lived like this and I've never been fingered before"
The guy was taken back, but with a sigh and a moment of thought he decides "I'll do this for her to make her stop crying and finally have this moment."
Once he finished her off she was STILL crying! Frustrated, he stands up and asks "what the heck?! Why are you still crying?!"
Through her sniffling she replies "No one has ever found me attractive and I've never been fucked before."
So the guy picks her up, throws her into the ocean and yells "WELL YOURE FUCKED NOW!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2o756/a_guy_walking_on_the_beach_finds_a_girl_with_no/
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A group of people are waiting to get drinks.

That is the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2o63l/a_group_of_people_are_waiting_to_get_drinks/
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I wish Youtube would only allow videos in 1080p or higher from next year on

That would be a nice New Year's resolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2o20u/i_wish_youtube_would_only_allow_videos_in_1080p/
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Mbeki and his elephant

Mbeki was a boy who live in a small village on the edge of the great Serengeti plain of Africa. Mbeki would spend days watching the animals on the plain, learning and studying their behaviors.
Twice a year during the great animal migration from their summer to their winter feeding grounds and back, the villagers would gather their meagre belongings and hide in caves in the hills above their village. When they returned, they would find that their village had been ravaged by marauding elephants that would strip the straw and logs from their mud huts for food.
After one devastating year when the village was almost completely destroyed, Mbeki vowed to learn as much as he could about elephants to help his village.
One day as he sat hidden in the tall grass he saw an old bull elephant with a broken tusk that appeared to be in distress. As Mbeki crawlled closer to observe, he noticed that the elephant was holding one foot off the ground. Mbeki crawed closer still and saw there was blood on the elephant's foot.
Mbeki stood and approached the elephant nervously and saw a large thorn stuck beneath the elephant's foot. Screwing up his courage Mbeki held the elephant's foot in one hand and pulled at the thorn with all his might with his other hand. The thorn came loose at last, Mbeki gave a shout of triumph and the elephant gave a loud trumpet.
Suddenly the elephant wrapped his trunk around Mbeki and lifted him high off the ground and Mbeki and the elephant looked at each other. Mbeki saw joy and thankfulness in the elephant's wise old eyes. After a long while the elephant gently placed Mbeki on the ground and stamped his front foot on the ground three times and slowly turned and walked away.
After that day Mbeki vowed to double his efforts to learn all he could about the elephants. Soon he became famous for his knowledge throughout the land and was invited by neighbouring villages and cities and countries to talk about his experiences.
Many years later, Mbeki now an old man after a long career travelling the world as the world's foremost expert on elephants finds himself back in the village he had lived as a child. But oh how it had grown, no longer a small dusty village of mud tracks and mud huts it was a modern city filled with all the trappings of modernity and a million people. It even had it's own zoo. Mbeki decides to visit. Mbeki walked around the animal enclosures smiling, remembering his life as a boy when suddenlh behind him he heard an elephant blow his trumpet.
Mbeki turn and there, in front of him, an elephant with a broken task with it's trunk raised. They looked at each other, the elephant stamped it's feet on the ground three times. Mbeki could not believe it, his heart was filled with joy.
Mbeki hobbled closer to the elephant, they looked at each other. Mbeki raised his hands and hugged the elephant. The elephant wrapped his trunk around Mbeki and lifted him off the ground and once again Mbeki could stare into those wise old elephant eyea.
Suddenly the elephant threw Mbeki hard onto the ground and stamped on Mbeki's head three time killing him.
It was a different elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2o1e6/mbeki_and_his_elephant/
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What makes Jesus the best chef?

He breaks every yolk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2nr4j/what_makes_jesus_the_best_chef/
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A Newly Married Couple...

A newly married couple leaves their wedding and heads back to their room. They’re deeply religious and have never seen each other naked before.
Getting to the room, they start taking their clothes off.
Upon taking his socks and shoes off, the woman notices that his toes are severely disfigured. The man tells his wife, “I’m sorry I never told you, but as a child, I had a terrible disease called toendonitis.
The woman respond, “Don’t you mean tendonitis?!”
The husbands says, “No, it’s toendonitis. Trust me, it’s a real thing.”
The husband takes his pants off and his wife notices his knees are disfigured as well.
The husband says, “Yeah, I’m sorry honey, as a child I suffered from kneasles. Which messed my knees up terribly.”
The woman asks again, “Do you mean measles?!”
Again the man says, “No trust me, it’s a real thing. You can look it up.”
Finally, the man takes his underwear off and before he can say anything, the wife chimes in, “Let me guess, small cocks?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2nniv/a_newly_married_couple/
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I was peeing in the pool and the lifeguard blew his whistle.

Scared me so bad I almost fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2nmze/i_was_peeing_in_the_pool_and_the_lifeguard_blew/
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Fed up with with the prices at the grocery store, a housewife finds the nearest employee and screams " YOU CAN TAKE THIS $12 PINEAPPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The grocery clerk said "I'm sorry Ma'am but I can't. I already have an $18 chicken, a $6 gallon of milk, and 3 avocados up there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2njd5/fed_up_with_with_the_prices_at_the_grocery_store/
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Wanna hear a diagonal joke?

Coming right up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2nfrc/wanna_hear_a_diagonal_joke/
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IT guy was searching for boomerang.

He got a hit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2naoi/it_guy_was_searching_for_boomerang/
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A man walks home with a duck under his arm...

"See?" He says "This is the pig I'm fucking."
"Honey, that's not a Pig..." Says the Wife
The husband says "I was talking to the Duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2n9jg/a_man_walks_home_with_a_duck_under_his_arm/
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Princess Jasmine used the carpet to get into America

She was deported after 2 days because, obviously, she wasn't Aladdin the country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2n8xz/princess_jasmine_used_the_carpet_to_get_into/
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What did the father pokemon say to his son?

Look at me when I speakachu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2n1o2/what_did_the_father_pokemon_say_to_his_son/
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I got an mp3 player for my birthday. But this group of shitheads at school decided to break it. So my mom bought me an mp4 player. Same group of shitheads broke it. So I brought an mp5, but the school confiscated that.

Tomorrow I'm bringing an MP7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2mv14/i_got_an_mp3_player_for_my_birthday_but_this/
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I used to feel sorry for myself because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet.

I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2mq25/i_used_to_feel_sorry_for_myself_because_i_had_no/
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An American Indian meets a cowboy

Since neither of them knows each other's language, they start a sign conversation.
Indian approaches first, pointing his finger to cowboy's chest. Cowboy responds with pointing his two fingers to Indian's face. Then Indian makes a rooftop gesture with his hands, to which cowboy reacts with a waving motion of his right hand.
Cowboy returns home and tells his wife about what happened to him: "I met one crazy Indian in the desert. Right after seeing me he told that he's gonna shoot me in the chest, and I responded that I'll screw up his eyes before that. He then promised to bury me, and I told him that he'll sleep with the fishes if he plans to harm me."
Indian returns home and speaks to his wife: "I met one crazy cowboy in the desert. When I asked him who he was, he told me he's a goat. I inquired, "Mountain goat?", and he responded, "No, waterfowl.""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2mo6z/an_american_indian_meets_a_cowboy/
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This gorgeous blonde donated a bedside table to me.

She really didn’t want money, she said it’s just one nightstand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2mnj5/this_gorgeous_blonde_donated_a_bedside_table_to_me/
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Two brothers, John, and Bob, live in America and are members of the communist party.

They decide to emigrate to the USSR.
Even though they don't believe the American media's negative reports on the living conditions, shortages and persecution in the USSR, they decide to exercise caution.
First, only John would go to Russia to test the waters. If, contrary to the media reports, the living conditions are good, and the reports about persecutions by the KGB false, than John will write a letter to Bob using black ink. This color would signify that the letter is to be taken at face value and communism is as good as they hoped.
If, however, the situation in the USSR is bad and John afraid of writing the truth, he will use red ink,  indicating that whatever he says in the letter must not be believed.
Three months later Bob receives a letter from John. It is written in black ink.
"Dear brother Bob! I'm so happy here! It's a beautiful country, I enjoy complete freedom, and a very high standard of living. Everything the capitalist press writes in America are lies. Everything is readily available! There is only one small thing of which there's a shortage: red ink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2mne3/two_brothers_john_and_bob_live_in_america_and_are/
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Two guys are at a bar in Chicago

After having a few tequila shots, a guy asks the other if he knows why they call Chicago the Windy City? The other guy replies saying something about the wind coming off of Lake Michigan. The first guy says well yeah, but do you want to know why they *really* call it the Windy City? The other guy says yeah, why? The first guy explains that Chicago is so windy, that if you jump off the top of the Willis Tower, the wind will force you back on top of the roof. Guy 2 says no way man. That’s impossible. The first guy asks if he wants to try it? Hell no, you’re out of your mind, says the other.
After having a few more drinks, the first guy says so are you sure you don’t want to try the Willis Tower thing? I have access to the rooftop, I can get us up there. It’s really a once in a lifetime experience. Guy 2 says he’ll go up there just to watch. So they go to the top of the Willis Tower, and the first guy jumps off the roof. As soon as he starts to fall, the wind magically blows him back onto the roof. His new friend watches in awe and disbelief. How did you do that?! The first guy explains that you literally just jump off, and demonstrates again. Again, the wind magically blows him back onto the roof. “Alright man, it’s your turn” the first guy says. The other guy agrees and jumps off the roof, tragically falling a thousand feet to his death.
When the guy returns to the bar, the bartender says “You know what, Superman? You’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2mlmx/two_guys_are_at_a_bar_in_chicago/
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The Vans brand has a really checkered past.

Sorry if this was Off the Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2mkne/the_vans_brand_has_a_really_checkered_past/
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Snoop Dogg must have the call the exterminator pretty frequently

He's been dealing with a lot of roaches over the years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2mkaj/snoop_dogg_must_have_the_call_the_exterminator/
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Honeymoon suite

An elderly couple returns to their original Honeymoon Suite fifty years after their wedding night.
The old man stands soaking in the view over the bay as his wife settles into a skimpy nightgown.
From behind, the old man hears his wife ask, “Do you remember what you said to me in this room all those years ago?”
Thinking on the long distant memory, he turns around and replies, “I said I would suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out!”
She drops her nightgown to the floor, revealing herself entirely to her husband.
“And what do you think now?”
His eyes widen as he exhausted cigarette smoke.
“I think I did a damn good job!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2mhqj/honeymoon_suite/
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My mom always told me that my spaghetti car would never work.

But you should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2mg4u/my_mom_always_told_me_that_my_spaghetti_car_would/
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A persian Jewish family is having dinner...

The waiter walks over and asks, "Is anything okay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2mf5q/a_persian_jewish_family_is_having_dinner/
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There's this kid who decides to scare his mother by hidings in the closet, and popping out when she grabs a shirt, when he sees her and this stranger start to make love.

But then his father drives into the driveway right before he could scare her.
"Oh no, my husband. Quick, hide in the closet."
The stranger runs into the closet without question, and the boy tries to start a conversation.
"Sure is dark in here."
"Oh my God, who are you?"
"I'm that women's kid; I was about to scare her by popping out of the closet."
"No no, don't do that."
"But I have been waiting here for an hour so that I can scare her. I deserve to open the closet and scare her."
"Don't, please. I'll give you $50 if you don't open this closet door until your dad and mom leave this room."
"Deal."
"But you have to not tell anyone about this, you understand?"
"Yeah."
So he waits for them to go, and gets $50 from the stranger, promising to not say a word.
The next day, he goes to the store with his mom, and sees a tricycle for $50 that he really wants, but his mom will not buy it for him.
"If you want it, you're going to have to buy it yourself."
So the boy brings out the $50 he got from the stranger.
"Where did you get that money?"
"I can't tell you."
"Well then you must've stolen it; I'm going to take you to church to confess your sins with the priest."
So they go to the church, and the mom forces the kid to go into the confession room.
The boy is a little bit frightened, and just wants this over with.
"Sure is dark in here."
"Let's not start that again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2meb4/theres_this_kid_who_decides_to_scare_his_mother/
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Little Jimmy's teacher asks the class to come up with a moral and come to school the next day and share it.

So the next day little Suzie go's up first and says, "We had 5 eggs on my farm and only 1 hatched."
The teacher says, "Very good now what's the moral?" Little Suzie says, "Don't count your chicks before they hatch." Next the teacher calls Little Jimmy up and he says, "My uncle was a soldier in Vietnam and he was flying a helicopter and was shot down, but before falling out he grabbed a parachute, a case of vodka, a machete, and a AK-47. As he was going down he drank the whole case of beer. When he landed he took the AK-47 and shot 80 men dead, killed ten with the machete, and strangled the last ten with his hands." The teacher terrified says, "What's the moral of the story?" And he says, "Don't Fuck with Uncle Chuck when he's been drinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2mea4/little_jimmys_teacher_asks_the_class_to_come_up/
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What's the difference between a plane engine and a flight attendant?

The engine stops whining after take-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2mdgc/whats_the_difference_between_a_plane_engine_and_a/
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My battery powered dinosaur toy has stopped working.

I guess it just has a bad case of e-reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2md2t/my_battery_powered_dinosaur_toy_has_stopped/
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Why did the sex addict cross the road

Because his dick was in the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2mb7i/why_did_the_sex_addict_cross_the_road/
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Hide and seek is kind of like getting a blowjob

ready or not, here I come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2maoa/hide_and_seek_is_kind_of_like_getting_a_blowjob/
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Three mice are bragging to each other in a bar.

The first one brags, "I am one bad ass mouse! In my hood, we have huge mousetraps. I take the damn cheese out of all of them."
The second one brags, "Well, I'm a bad ass mouse too. In my hood, I mix rat poison with my milk and chug it down every night before I go to bed."
The third gets up and starts to leave. The other two mice both yell, "Hey chicken, where do you think you're going?"
The third one replies, "Going home to fuck the cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2m8vf/three_mice_are_bragging_to_each_other_in_a_bar/
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I dont have any regrets for what I did last year....

It's my humble request to read this calmly before making an opinion about me. And I tell you all again. I have no regret for what I have done.
When i was about 17 or 18, I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.
First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.
Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.
I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).
Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.
My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.
After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging. Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.
My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.
Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her.
But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.
A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised. But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone.
It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2m7ur/i_dont_have_any_regrets_for_what_i_did_last_year/
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If the world were a cube

We'd all be Cubans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2m4ft/if_the_world_were_a_cube/
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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2m1bc/a_man_gets_on_a_bus_and_ends_up_sitting_next_to_a/
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Rather reluctantly, a young couple took their son to the doctor

"What seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked. Despite the embarrassment, they went on to explain that they were worried about the boys rather small penis and the impact it might have on his confidence growing up.
After examining the child, the doctor sat back and thought for a while. Eventually she said, "I don't have anything I can give you to help, but there's an old wives tale that if you feed him pancakes every day, it'll solve the problem in no time."
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes, dripping in syrup on the table. "Oh WOW! Are these for me?!" the boy exclaimed. "Just take two son," his mother replied, "The rest are for your daddy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2lvyp/rather_reluctantly_a_young_couple_took_their_son/
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I was in a job interview.

The guy asked me what my biggest strength was but I was unable to answer.
So I phoned up the next day and said, "Hi, it's me."
"Sorry, who is this?"
"I had a job interview with your company yesterday, and I was asked what my biggest strength was. Unfortunately I didn't have an answer, but now I think I do."
"Riiiight," said the guy. "So, what's your biggest strength?"
I said, "I'm a quick thinker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2lva6/i_was_in_a_job_interview/
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What profession does the best networking?

Fishermen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2lm0l/what_profession_does_the_best_networking/
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Logic.

In class I learned:
Nothing is better than ice cream to eat on a hot summers day.
I also learned that if stranded on a desert island  and you have crackers then at least they're better than nothing.
My professor then pointed out that crackers are better than ice cream and he logically proved it by stating that we had agreed nothing was better than ice cream and crackers were better than nothing.
If I can't make it with good jokes, this is what you get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2llrd/logic/
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Why is cream more expensive than milk?

Because the cows hate squatting over the little bottles.
(This was one of Kurt Vonnegut's favorite jokes!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2lll2/why_is_cream_more_expensive_than_milk/
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My ex-girlfriend was a clown

So my new one has big shoes to fill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ll9i/my_exgirlfriend_was_a_clown/
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Yo mama's so fat

that buzz lightyear says, "To infinity and your mom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2lkg6/yo_mamas_so_fat/
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A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand.

The hotdog man asks, "What can I get for you?"
The Buddhist replies, "One with everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2lkda/a_buddhist_walks_up_to_a_hotdog_stand/
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Husband: "Honey, have you seen my car keys?"

Wife: "Here it is, but why don't you ever say our car..., our house..., our company...?"
*Husband starts searching through clothes*
Wife: "Now what the hell are you looking for?"
Husband: "Our undies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2lgy8/husband_honey_have_you_seen_my_car_keys/
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A serial killer breaks into a couple's house and finds them getting ready for bed.

He points a gun at the wife and says, "What's your name?"
"Elizabeth," says the woman.
"I could never kill you," says the serial killer, tears in his eyes. "My mother's name was Elizabeth."
He then points the gun at the husband.
"And what's your name?"
"Dan," says the husband. "But my friends call me Elizabeth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2lgm3/a_serial_killer_breaks_into_a_couples_house_and/
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Six dwarfs were in a hot tub feeling happy...

So happy got out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2lbhz/six_dwarfs_were_in_a_hot_tub_feeling_happy/
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What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?

iCame, iSaw, iConquered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2l6xx/what_is_written_on_steve_jobs_tombstone/
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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane

and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven, and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2l5ri/an_atheist_was_seated_next_to_a_little_girl_on_an/
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I really hate black people

suffering from racism. They're beautiful people and don't deserve to be hated for the colour of their skin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2l1z6/i_really_hate_black_people/
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There was an investor...

There was an investor who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the investor, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and then decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2l0cm/there_was_an_investor/
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Donald Trump And Barack Obama walk into thesame barber shop.

They each sat down with a different barber. Afraid any conversation would turn nasty, the barbers cut their hair in silence. Then each got a shave, still silence. Trump's barber finished first and reached for the aftershave. Donald stopped him. "If Melania smells that on me, she'll think I've been to a brothel." Obama's barber finished his shave and hesitated until Barack said "Go ahead, Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel  smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2kzqr/donald_trump_and_barack_obama_walk_into_thesame/
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What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2kz88/what_do_you_do_with_an_elephant_with_3_balls/
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A Blonde, A Redhead, And A Brunette Are Lost In The Desert…

They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ku4x/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_are_lost_in_the/
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What do you get when you feed a cow marijuana?

High steaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ksuq/what_do_you_get_when_you_feed_a_cow_marijuana/
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What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

*I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2koux/what_is_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean/
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Would you rather be a spider or the most boring man on earth?

Either way, you're still a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2kny2/would_you_rather_be_a_spider_or_the_most_boring/
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A little old lady...

...was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2kj5z/a_little_old_lady/
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Although fiber helps pass stool, you need to be careful about the type of fiber you ingest.

From my experience, T-Shirts work well but Jeans are a big no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2kagk/although_fiber_helps_pass_stool_you_need_to_be/
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What does Tickle Me Elmo get before he leaves the factory?

Two test tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2jxu8/what_does_tickle_me_elmo_get_before_he_leaves_the/
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A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.

"Excuse me miss,  I can't find my wife.  Can I to talk to you?" He asked her.
She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?"
I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2jw25/a_guy_could_not_find_his_wife_at_the_mall_he/
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A wife asked her husband "Honey, am I the only one you've been with?"

"Absolutely, baby. All the rest of the women I've been with were nines and tens."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2jtio/a_wife_asked_her_husband_honey_am_i_the_only_one/
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A friend and I were travelling through Alabama when a guy threatened to get his Dad, Uncle and Brother to beat us up.

We were relieved when we found out they were all the same person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2jtbu/a_friend_and_i_were_travelling_through_alabama/
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The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2jrbv/the_husband_leans_over_and_asks_his_wife/
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I keep a picture of my wife and kids at my work desk that way no matter how bad a work day gets

I'll always be reminded how much worse it is at home and keep me working late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2joft/i_keep_a_picture_of_my_wife_and_kids_at_my_work/
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At first I wasn't sure about my beard

But it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2jmv2/at_first_i_wasnt_sure_about_my_beard/
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I think:

To be perfectly honest, in my humble opinion, of course without offending anyone who thinks differently from my point of view, but also thinking into this matter in a different perspective and without being condemning of one’s view and trying to make it objectified, and considering each and everyone’s valid opinion; I honestly believe that I completely forgot what I was going to say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2jmmo/i_think/
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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke

"Would you support another Brexit referendum?"
"Not at all, " he replied. With that my dog bit him.
I carried on and I saw a woman, I asked, "Would you support another Brexit referendum?"
"Never, " she said. My dog bit her as well.
As I carried on I met another man,
" Would you support another Brexit referendum?"
"Yes, we were all sold a lie, " he said. With that my dog bit him.
My dog doesn't give a fuck about Brexit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2j9vm/i_was_in_the_park_with_my_dog_and_i_said_to_this/
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How do you make music when you're dead?

By de-composing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2j58a/how_do_you_make_music_when_youre_dead/
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What do you call a witch who only eats sand?

Malnourished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2j2q3/what_do_you_call_a_witch_who_only_eats_sand/
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Why would the world have been a better place if Adam And Eve had been Chinese?

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2j26x/why_would_the_world_have_been_a_better_place_if/
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With limited resources and a population that continues to grow, I have heard that space colonization will soon become a necessity

If: :you: :insist.:  :But: :I: :must: :admit: :that: :I: :still: :have: :no: :idea: :how: :this: :is: :going: :to: :help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2iys6/with_limited_resources_and_a_population_that/
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I've created a company whereby people hire us to insult the people they don't like.

We're doing a diss service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ix76/ive_created_a_company_whereby_people_hire_us_to/
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Did you hear about 50 Cent's clever new song about the small, detail-oriented urban cat?

They're calling it "Fiddy's witty itty bitty nitty gritty city kitty ditty".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2isr2/did_you_hear_about_50_cents_clever_new_song_about/
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[nsfw] A boy goes to his grandparents house.

Grandpa and the boy are sitting in the den watching tv. The grandpa takes a hit off of his cigar.
Boy:  “can I try that grandpa”
Grandpa:  “does your dick touch your asshole”
Boy: “no”
Grandpa:  “well you can’t try it”
A couple hours go by and grandpa is drinking a beer.
Boy: “Grandpa can I have a drink”
Grandpa:  “does your dick touch your asshole”
Boy: “no”
Grandpa:  “well you can’t have a drink”
The next week the boy comes back over his grandparents and grandma had baked him some cookies.  The little boy starts eating one of the cookies and grandpa walks in.
Grandpa: “Can I have one of those cookies
Boy: “does your dick touch your asshole”
Grandpa: “yes it does”
Boy: “go fuck yourself, grandma made these for me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2iq14/nsfw_a_boy_goes_to_his_grandparents_house/
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What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ikta/what_do_you_call_a_fly_without_wings/
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I can't believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician...

I was just standing around doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2icz5/i_cant_believe_i_got_arrested_for_impersonating_a/
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I just found a dead body in the street

So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow
See how she fucking likes it !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ic1h/i_just_found_a_dead_body_in_the_street/
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A chicken and an egg are laying in bed.

The egg looks at the chicken with disgust and says “Well, I guess we answered that fucking question”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2i8g2/a_chicken_and_an_egg_are_laying_in_bed/
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The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2i2av/the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy...

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2i1d6/several_centuries_ago_the_pope_decreed_that_all/
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A husband comes home from work

He asks his wife, "What would you do if we won the lottery?"
She replies, "I'd take half the winnings and leave your sorry ass."
He says, "Great! We won $2. Here's a dollar, and get the fuck out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2hym8/a_husband_comes_home_from_work/
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep...

...not screaming, like the passengers in his taxi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2hxoq/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_peacefully_like_my/
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A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel who shows him around the place

"Over there is a local restaurant, it's guaranteed to have your favorite meal there" said the angel
"And over there is a theater, and to the left, there's a swimming pool"
The angel soon finishes the tour and finds that the man is overjoyed.
The angel had one more thing to say though, "going to the gym on a daily basis is mandatory"
The man, out of curiosity asks why
"How do you think we stay demon-free? We make sure everyone exorcises their demons"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2hvz3/a_man_goes_to_heaven_and_is_greeted_by_an_angel/
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2hvyg/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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What’s the difference between a man and a woman?

There’s a vas deferens in men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2hva5/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_and_a_woman/
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Me: I’m having a really good day, except for newpussycat.

Friend: What’s newpussycat?
Me: WHOAAAAA WHOAAAAA OOOOOOOHHH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2hu86/me_im_having_a_really_good_day_except_for/
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My wife told me to stop singing Smashmouth songs.

I said hey now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2hr9s/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_singing_smashmouth_songs/
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A Blonde, a Brunnete, and a Redhead work at a construction company.

They have all worked with each other for years, and would always eat together for their lunch break.
They would always have the same sandwiches packed for their lunch. They were sick and tired of eating the same thing every day.
The Brunette said, "If I have another turkey sandwich packed in my lunch tomorrow I am going to jump off of this building."
The Redhead said, "If I have another ham sandwich packed in my lunch tomorrow I am going to jump off of the building."
The Blonde said, " If I have another PB&J sandwich packed in my lunch tomorrow, I am going to jump off the building."
So the next day when they were on their lunch break, they opened up their lunch and they all had the same things packed. So they jumped off the building they were working on, and killed themselves.
At the funeral, the wives of the Redhead and Brunette were crying, because they found out that their husbands had killed themselves because of the lunches they packed for them every day.
They looked over at the wife of the Blonde who had died, and she was laughing.
They asked her why she was laughing, when her husband had just died.
She said, "That idiot! He packs his own lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2hoq1/a_blonde_a_brunnete_and_a_redhead_work_at_a/
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I can prove evolution wrong..

Humming birds have existed for thousands of years and they haven't learned the words yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2hdo3/i_can_prove_evolution_wrong/
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Knock Knock

Who's there?
The landlord
(Pauses)
The landlord who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2h9ri/knock_knock/
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A man says to his son he shouldn’t masturbate too much or he’ll go blind. The son says...

“Dad I’m over here, your talking to the wall!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2h8wd/a_man_says_to_his_son_he_shouldnt_masturbate_too/
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Got into a car accident today

I was driving along and ended up rear ending someone. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2h6xd/got_into_a_car_accident_today/
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If you don’t think capitalization is important

Try writing this sentence without it - I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2h4tr/if_you_dont_think_capitalization_is_important/
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I took an epileptic girl to a rave

I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2h303/i_took_an_epileptic_girl_to_a_rave/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Ice cold and drunk at 8am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2h2eu/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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What has 100 balls and screws old ladies???

BINGO!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2h1qx/what_has_100_balls_and_screws_old_ladies/
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I want to get a job cleaning mirrors

That's something I could really see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2gym3/i_want_to_get_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
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Just got diagnosed with the big C..

Dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2gy4a/just_got_diagnosed_with_the_big_c/
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A man takes a vacation in Bangkok

While he is there, he is approached by a"bar girl". She is beautiful and the price is too low to turn down, so the man agrees to the "$2 special"
Back home in America a couple weeks later, the man is peeing and to his horror, he sees his penis has turned green! He immediately schedules an appointment with his regular doctor.
Upon seeing his condition, the doctor, having never seen this before, concludes that the only way to save the man is to amputate his penis, and sets the surgery for the next day.
The man goes home, and it occurs to him to find a doctor from Thailand, who might be familiar with this problem.
He finds one and is able to meet with him that day. Nervously, the man says"I was in your country 2 weeks ago and the most beautiful bar girl approached me. I couldn't resist and got the $2 special. " Dropping his pants, the man says" My doctor has never seen this condition before and he wants to amputate! Please help! " The doctor says," Yes, yes! $2 special. I see this many times back home. Your doctor is wrong. Amputation not necessary. "
The man was so relieved, he was actually crying!
" Doctor, what is the treatment? "
" Wait 2 more weeks, it fall off by itself! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2gxbm/a_man_takes_a_vacation_in_bangkok/
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My 3 year old told me this one.

Him: want to hear a knock knock joke
Me: sure
Him: knock knock
Me: who’s there
Him: joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2gx0e/my_3_year_old_told_me_this_one/
%
Knock Knock

Who’s there?
Wooden shoe
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to know!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2gwj6/knock_knock/
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The man who invented toaster settings has died

He'll be cremated at 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2grm1/the_man_who_invented_toaster_settings_has_died/
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I never understood school shooting jokes.

I’m guessing they were aimed at a younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2govn/i_never_understood_school_shooting_jokes/
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What did the judge say when the skunk walked into court?

Odor in the court!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2gn89/what_did_the_judge_say_when_the_skunk_walked_into/
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I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.
She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.
I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.
Mary had a little lamb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2gn4k/i_met_this_girl_mary_on_tinder_and_took_her_to_an/
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What do you call a broken can opener?

A can’t opener!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2gn0b/what_do_you_call_a_broken_can_opener/
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I used to be good at telling jokes,...

but now I just punch up the fuck line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2gj12/i_used_to_be_good_at_telling_jokes/
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A Roman walks into a bar

holds up two fingers and said "five beers, please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2gara/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why do so many Welsh people have insomnia?

Every time they start counting sheep they have to stop for a wank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2g98h/why_do_so_many_welsh_people_have_insomnia/
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A guy walks up to a bar with his chihuahua and sees a sign that says ‘no dogs allowed’

He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks inside with his dog.
Bartender: Sorry man, you can’t bring your dog in here.
Guy: But he’s my seeing-eye dog.
Bartender: Ah come on, seeing-eye dogs are always Labradors or golden retrievers!
Guy: Wait what? WELL WHAT THE FUCK HAVE THEY GIVEN ME?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2g6vg/a_guy_walks_up_to_a_bar_with_his_chihuahua_and/
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A man stands before St. Peter

St. Peter says "You are in luck today! All you need to do to enter into heaven is to tell me of one unselfish deed you have done!"
The man says, "Boy, do I have a story for you! I was walking home from work and came to my usual shortcut, an alley behind a bar. There I saw a gang of five bikers, assaulting a woman. Immediately, I jumped in the pile! I grabbed the biggest of them all by the beard and pulled him out. After that, it was all a blur, i was scratching and clawing. Throwing kicks and punches. I even pulled one bikers nose ring out! "
St. Peter, very impressed with the story says," Wow! You certainly weren't lying about having a great story! For my records, tell me when this happened! "
The man hung his head and said,
" About 5 minutes ago. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2g593/a_man_stands_before_st_peter/
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The worst part about kissing a perfect ten...

... is the cold feeling your lips get from touching the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2g4wr/the_worst_part_about_kissing_a_perfect_ten/
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My wife hasn't been the same after her miscarriage...

It's as if something died inside her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2g2ih/my_wife_hasnt_been_the_same_after_her_miscarriage/
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What exam do young witches have to pass?

A spelling test

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2g0n4/what_exam_do_young_witches_have_to_pass/
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Hilarious Job Interview Answer

**Interviewer    :**    Why did you leave your last job ..?
**Guy    :**    The company shifted the office and didn't tell me where it is....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2fx12/hilarious_job_interview_answer/
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A lawyer, priest and social worker

A lawyer, priest and a social worker all on a sinking ship,
Social worker: save the children !!!
Lawyer: no ! Fuck the children !
The priest: ohh do you think we have time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2fv78/a_lawyer_priest_and_social_worker/
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What’s the difference between Santa and a Jew?

Santa goes down the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ftdp/whats_the_difference_between_santa_and_a_jew/
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A sadist takes a masochist to his dungeon

He cuffs the masochist to the wall, blindfolds him, and asks him a minute to test the quality of his equipment.
He starts whiping the air, to check his whip's durability. He realizes it's fine. He then proceeds to sharpening his knives, until they cut perfectly. After that, he moves the cogs of his torture machines.
After about a hour of this, the masochist finally asks: "C'mon! Aren't you going to do anything?"
"No"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2frlq/a_sadist_takes_a_masochist_to_his_dungeon/
%
“Have you seen a deer before?”

A guy and his friend watch TV together because they are bored.
Suddenly a documentary about deers comes on:
“Have you seen a deer before?” asks the friend.
“Yes , on TV” replies the guy
“No , i meant in pure nature.” Said his friend
“Dad does not let us put the TV outside”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2fkyg/have_you_seen_a_deer_before/
%
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ffu2/my_wife_found_out_i_was_cheating_on_her_after_she/
%
Two Chinese boys break into a distillery...

One boy says to the other: Is this whisky?
Other boy replies: Aye but no as whisky as wobbin a bank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ffdj/two_chinese_boys_break_into_a_distillery/
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Teacher: Do you know what estimate means

Student: Not exactly.
Teacher: Yes you are right.
Student: About what:
Teacher: Also correct.
Student: I guess...
Teacher: Indeed.
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO END IT OFF I'M SORRY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2fes5/teacher_do_you_know_what_estimate_means/
%
My dad was a WWII veteran.

During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis.
Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2fedw/my_dad_was_a_wwii_veteran/
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The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.

Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar."
The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?"
The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license"
The woman: " don't listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!"
The man on the backseat: "I told you not to ride in a stolen car!"
A voice from the trunk: "did we cross the border?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2fe8f/the_police_stops_a_man_and_woman_who_have_their/
%
A family is at the dinner table

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2fcf3/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table/
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Before my surgery, my doctor offered to put me under with gas, or just knock me out with a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2f7pr/before_my_surgery_my_doctor_offered_to_put_me/
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I Was Pulled Over Yesterday

The cop approached my car, said "Papers please." I said "Scissors" and drove off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2f7m6/i_was_pulled_over_yesterday/
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A punk gets onto a bus.

A few seats next to him he sees a young beautiful nun.
After the nun gets off the bus, the bus driver discretely asks the punk: "I saw how you looked at her, she sure is hot, isn't she?"
Punk: "Yes, she is"
Driver: "You would love to fuck her, right?"
Punk: "Sure, who wouldn't?"
So the driver gives him a tip: "Each Sunday at 9pm the nun knees behind the church and prays. She is very naive, so if you dress up like Jesus and tell her it's God's will to have sex with her, she will let you."
The punk thanks the bus driver with a wide grin on his face and also gets off.
The next Sunday he goes behind the church dressed up as Jesus, and just as the driver told him, the nun knees there and prays. He sneaks up behind her and says in a deep voice: "I am Jesus and it's God's will to have sex with me."
To which the nun replies: "Well, I sure don't like the idea, but I would do anything for God. Just please do it from behind, as I would like to keep my virginity."
Of course, the punk agrees. So they have sex.
After the punk is finished, he rips his costume off and yells: "HAHAAAAA, I'm the punk from the bus!!"
To which the nun turns around, laughs and says: "HAHAAAAA and I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2f6vh/a_punk_gets_onto_a_bus/
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I said to my doctor, "I've got a problem with my penis. Just before I'm about to make love to my wife, she laughs at it." He chuckled, Don't worry that's quite common."

Reluctantly relieved, I asked, "Really?"
"Yes." He replied. "She laughs at everyone's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2f6sy/i_said_to_my_doctor_ive_got_a_problem_with_my/
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How many girls do you have to date before you’ve dated literally tons of girls?

Half an American girl or 14 French girls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2f65v/how_many_girls_do_you_have_to_date_before_youve/
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Have you ever had an Aussie kiss?

It’s like a French kiss, just down under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2f3ba/have_you_ever_had_an_aussie_kiss/
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The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The Police woman said "It's square and has your picture on it"
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Police woman. "Here it is" she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you're free to go, I didn't realize you were a cop"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2f35c/the_blonde_joke_to_end_all_blonde_jokes/
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I sat down to eat my turkey sandwich and my wife yells, "Enjoying your meat, you murderer?"

I only wish one day goes by without her mentioning the time I killed her mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2f07x/i_sat_down_to_eat_my_turkey_sandwich_and_my_wife/
%
Party in space

What’s the worst part about throwing a party in space?.....
....You have to planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ext5/party_in_space/
%
So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the Pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2epos/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
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Recently I was attacked by a gang of mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2eplj/recently_i_was_attacked_by_a_gang_of_mimes/
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A wife asks her friend "Do you talk to your husband during sex?"

"Yes, if he calls" she says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2enmb/a_wife_asks_her_friend_do_you_talk_to_your/
%
Why did the Alabama man move to Europe?

He wanted to live in CEST.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2enkh/why_did_the_alabama_man_move_to_europe/
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To me, working out is a drug.

I don’t do drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2emjl/to_me_working_out_is_a_drug/
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[NSFW] Whats the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2em3c/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_hungry_and_horny/
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A ship wrecks onto a deserted island.

Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex.
After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing... so they bury her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ekzm/a_ship_wrecks_onto_a_deserted_island/
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Confucius says..

"Man who put dick in peanut butter..
\- is fucking nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ehri/confucius_says/
%
My dog wouldn’t stop chasing people on bikes.

It got so bad that I had to take the bikes away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ef0v/my_dog_wouldnt_stop_chasing_people_on_bikes/
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After my wife died, I couldn’t look at a women for 18 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2e92r/after_my_wife_died_i_couldnt_look_at_a_women_for/
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Idk about you guys but my parents never taught me about "the birds and the bees."

So when it came down to doing it, I had no idea how to extract honey from a beehive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2e5f0/idk_about_you_guys_but_my_parents_never_taught_me/
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Why are Catholic priests called father?

Because "daddy" would be too suspicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2e15a/why_are_catholic_priests_called_father/
%
DeveloperJokes

Fixing someone else's code is like fixing someone else's relationship. "What the fuck lynda, I didn't even know what I did in the first place, Don't ask me to fix what you did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2dydo/developerjokes/
%
Hitler went to a fortuneteller to ask when he will die

The seer told him, “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”
“How are you sure about that?”, Hitler demanded.
“Because”, she replied, “any day on which you die will become a Jewish holiday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2dxcw/hitler_went_to_a_fortuneteller_to_ask_when_he/
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A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”
“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”
“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”
“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?”
“Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.”
“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”
“Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2dun5/a_wife_asks_her_husband_honey_if_i_died_would_you/
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When my wife died I couldn’t look at another girl for 12 years

But after I got out of jail it was totally worth it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2dt3k/when_my_wife_died_i_couldnt_look_at_another_girl/
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How can you tell someone’s s redneck

When their home is mobile, but all 5 of the cars in the yard aren’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2dlii/how_can_you_tell_someones_s_redneck/
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Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy...

The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.
“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.
“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher's pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are breasts! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will too!”
“Very good Janie, you are correct.” said the teacher.  “Now,” Miss Wilson continued, aiming the pointer lower, “who can tell me what this is?”
“I know! I know!” Janie shouted.  “That's a virginia. My mommy has one and it’s where I was born!”
“Very good Janie! Only, it’s pronounced VA-GI-NA. Virginia is one of the original 13 colonies, and is now a state in our country.” Miss Wilson corrected.
Turning to the male anatomy chart, the teacher aimed her pointer and asked “Does anyone know what we call this?”
“I know! I know Miss Wilson!  That’s a penis! My daddy has two of those!” Janie proclaimed.
“Well Janie, you are right, it is a penis, but unless he has a birth defect, I’m pretty sure your daddy only has one of them.” the teacher explained.
Janie stood up, defiant.  “Nuh-uh Miss Wilson!  I know! My daddy doesn’t have any birth effects! And he has TWO penises.  He has a little one he pees with, and he has a BIG one he brushes mommy's teeth with!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2d91g/miss_wilson_is_teaching_her_class_of_1st_graders/
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How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce “unionized”
Sadly there is no way to tell this joke out loud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2d8tp/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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I tripped at a store and knocked over some pickled items.

An employee asked if I was ok.
I said that olive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2d84p/i_tripped_at_a_store_and_knocked_over_some/
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I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2d3yy/i_sexually_identify_as_a_41_million_square_mile/
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how do you study for a DNA test?

highlight the answers with a genetic marker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2cyln/how_do_you_study_for_a_dna_test/
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I have a friend who's half black & half native American...

His name is Sitting In Jail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2cuww/i_have_a_friend_whos_half_black_half_native/
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How do family members connect with each other in Alabama?

Tinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2cpgj/how_do_family_members_connect_with_each_other_in/
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A couple of kids jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house…
Do you get it? no? lets try another
Knock Knock,
Who’s there?
The Chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2coa2/a_couple_of_kids_jokes/
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Did you hear Bill Cosby’s publishing a memoir?

It’s titled “the Coma Sutra.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2cnun/did_you_hear_bill_cosbys_publishing_a_memoir/
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A man had the worst day of his life, so he decided to go to the new bar...

the bar was located on the roof of one of the tallest buildings in the city, the man sat down, and told the bartender all his problems, how he had lost his job, his wife cheated on him, everything. He drank for hours, almost until it was closing time.
There was another man who had been listening from across the bar, he came over and told him; "You should try this drink they have, it'll make you fly"
Obviously, the guy didnt beleive him.
"No, Im serious. Bartender, give me one of those special drinks."
The bartender just shook his head, but handed him the drink, which he downed, ran across the floor, jumped over the edge of the building, flew around, and landed back at the bar.
The man was shocked. "Bartender! give me one of those drinks!" The man downed the drink, ran across the floor, jumped over the edge and died.
the bartender shook his head and sighed; "Youre a dick Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2cn52/a_man_had_the_worst_day_of_his_life_so_he_decided/
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How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2clih/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
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To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2cl3u/to_make_a_better_internet_i_compiled_a_list_of/
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My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2c1ki/my_cousins_contract_at_the_zoo_to_wash_the/
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1965 saw the invention of Gatorade, but the competition was fierce.

Florida State had made their own sports drink to give athletes an edge.  However, their own "Seminole Fluid" just didn't sell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2c0r5/1965_saw_the_invention_of_gatorade_but_the/
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I bought a high-powered industrial fan today.

I was blown away by how well it worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2bz91/i_bought_a_highpowered_industrial_fan_today/
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I tried guessing how deep the nearby lake was

But I just couldn't fathom it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2bvz4/i_tried_guessing_how_deep_the_nearby_lake_was/
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First time posting

“What did the ocean said to the other ocean”
“Nothing they just waved
You sea what i did there
Im shore you did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2bvsg/first_time_posting/
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Why don’t anteaters get sick?

Because they’re full of ant bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2bku3/why_dont_anteaters_get_sick/
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If "You are what you eat" was true...

My sister would be a vegetable,
My friend would be a hunk of meat,
And I would remain a human...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2bke4/if_you_are_what_you_eat_was_true/
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There was a kidnapping at a local middle school recently

The teacher had to wake him up right away
(Taken from a 3rd grader I coach)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2bju5/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_a_local_middle_school/
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I'm going to name my next dog Peeve.

That way I can introduce him as my pet, Peeve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2bfpu/im_going_to_name_my_next_dog_peeve/
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[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history

It’s full of s&m porn.
Mom says: well what are we going to do?
Dad says: what do you mean?
Mom says: well.. we can’t *spank* him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2bf80/nsfw_some_parents_find_their_teenagers_browser/
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Did you know that the Soviet Union had absolutely zero coal mines?

Crazy fact! I heard however that there were plenty of coal ours though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2belh/did_you_know_that_the_soviet_union_had_absolutely/
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Did you know that 80% of people play with themselves in the shower?

The other 20% sings. Do you know what they sing?
I didn’t think so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2be9w/did_you_know_that_80_of_people_play_with/
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A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors backyard.

The neighbor would come over, banging on the door,screaming,"Your dog has been in my yard again,digging holes and scaring my rabbit."
"I'm real sorry about that neighbor, I'll try to keep him penned up."
"Next time,as God as my witness, I'll shoot that dog of yours,"and his neighbor storms off.
The following day the man is calling for his dog,and the dog comes crawling from under his neighbors fence with dirt all over his face and a dead rabbit in it's mouth.The guy thinks up a plan.He takes the rabbit,gets him cleaned up,blow dries him and fluffs him up a bit, and puts him in his cage before his neighbor makes it home from work.He then grabs his dog,puts him in the car and drives around until his neighbor gets home so he don't look like the guilty culprit.As he arrives home,there his neighbor is,standing on his front lawn,with a puzzled look on his face."Something wrong neighbor?"
"Yeah.My rabbit died"
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that."
"Yeah,but what I don't understand is some sick basterd dug him up,fluffed him up,and stuck him back in his cage!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2bbvs/a_guy_had_a_dog_that_kept_getting_into_the/
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How does gold get your attention?

"Ay You!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2bb2e/how_does_gold_get_your_attention/
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“How many fingers now?” Asked the doctor.

Patient: “You know, this is not how I envisioned a prostate exam.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2b926/how_many_fingers_now_asked_the_doctor/
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What sound did the plane make when it landed on the trampoline?

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2b775/what_sound_did_the_plane_make_when_it_landed_on/
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What do you call a gun owner trying to intervene in an active shooter situation?

Two active shooter situations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2b6rw/what_do_you_call_a_gun_owner_trying_to_intervene/
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My dick is like Switzerland’s military

Impressive but useless because it never gets used.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2b6dr/my_dick_is_like_switzerlands_military/
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Wife: I can't find my wallet!

Husband: I'm right here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2b5at/wife_i_cant_find_my_wallet/
%
A son comes home from school and hugs his mother crying

He says:   I don't want to go back to school and I'll give you two reasons why.
The mother says: Ok, what are your reasons?
Son: All the kids hate me and all the teachers hate me.
Mother: You're going to go back to school, and I'll give you one reason why.
Son: Yeah?
Mother: You're the Principal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2b54z/a_son_comes_home_from_school_and_hugs_his_mother/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

Or a pub if you prefer.  They all order a pint of Guinness.  Three flies come along and they all manage to land in the beer of the three patrons.  The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust and orders another one.  The Scotsman takes the fly out and drinks his beer.  The Irishman takes the fly out of his glass, takes it over the beer and starts shaking it up and down finally yelling "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2b4za/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk/
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Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime...

... Give a man a pen, and he'll draw a penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2azni/teach_a_man_to_fish_and_you_feed_him_for_a/
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Tickle My Ass With A Feather

A guy is deep into a few pints at a bar sitting by himself just watching the room. He watches this other guy working the room. He listens in as the other guy walks up to a girl and says “tickle my ass with a feather?”
She replies “ what the hell did you just say?”
“Particularly nasty weather,” he quickly replies. The girl nods and smiles. He talks a bit more and then moves on. He goes up to another girl and ask the same thing, “tickle my ass with a feather?”
She smiles and replies, “sure”
The guy at the bar watches all of this as the two disappear for a bit to the bathroom and then eventually return. The man at the bar asks this guy to come over and ask, “so what’s your deal...what are you doing to get some action?”
The man replies “ it’s real simple, just trait up ask a girl ‘tickle my ass with a feather?’ If she is down you are in it if she freaks out just say ‘particularly nasty weather and she will think it was a mistake and you can move on and keep working the room. The man at the bar thought this was genius, throws back his drink and decided to give it a try. He walks up to the nearest girl.
“SHUVA FEATHER UP MY ASS?”
the girl looks confused and disgusted.
“AW SHIT ITS FUCKIN’ RAININ’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ayou/tickle_my_ass_with_a_feather/
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I once ran three marathons in one week.

They're not that hard to organize if you have experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2avqn/i_once_ran_three_marathons_in_one_week/
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What’s a roll of toilet paper’s drug of choice?

Crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2asdn/whats_a_roll_of_toilet_papers_drug_of_choice/
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I hate it when they say, "white people can't dance"...

Like Hello? We had the king of pop himself micheal Jackson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2aqmh/i_hate_it_when_they_say_white_people_cant_dance/
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I was on the toilet at 11:59 and then the clock struck midnight.

Same shit, different day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2aqhs/i_was_on_the_toilet_at_1159_and_then_the_clock/
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My parents walked in on me having sex

I was embarrassed, but my sister was mortified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ajw2/my_parents_walked_in_on_me_having_sex/
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The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.
As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns to him and says, "Sir, unfortunately, this is a very small helicopter, and we only have room for one more person. Who should we rescue?"
The President peers over the edge of the chopper, at his closest allies down below. Among them are the Secretary of State, the Chief of Staff, and the National Security Adviser. By now, they are on the verge of being overwhelmed by the stormy sea, and whoever is left behind will certainly drown before more help arrives. He looks from one face to the next, before finally shaking his head in resignation, unable to choose who to save. "I'm too tired, son. Do what you think is best for the Nation."
"Sir, yes sir!" The Soldier gives a sharp salute, before pushing the President back into the raging ocean and flying away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ail2/the_president_and_his_closest_allies_are_involved/
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When does a joke become a “dad” joke?

When the punchline is a parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2aga5/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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If your wife happens to have big boobs...

... don't take that for grand tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ag4o/if_your_wife_happens_to_have_big_boobs/
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What does a warlock drive on the beach?

A runebuggy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2aerz/what_does_a_warlock_drive_on_the_beach/
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A maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise and the wife became upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2ad0r/a_maid_asked_her_boss_the_wife_for_a_raise_and/
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The CIA is recruiting three people for a top secret mission. (Long)

Their selection comes down to one final test.
The candidates are brought to a remote, undisclosed location and given a loaded firearm. They receive instructions to walk into an adjacent room and kill the person they see sitting there.
Candidate 1, a highly decorated veteran agent with exceptional credentials walks in and sees his wife sitting in the chair. He immediately walks out of the room, having freed his wife. He quits the agency and returns home with his wife.
Disappointed, the agency brings in Candidate 2. Similar credentials, but with even more experience dispatching enemies in the field. Candidate 2 walks into the room, sees his wife sitting in a chair, holds the gun up and after a minute or two of anguish, he frees his wife and leaves with her, disgraced.
Candidate 3 is the agency’s last hope. She is a married, stay-at-home mom with four kids. She walks into the room and sees her husband. From outside, the evaluators immediately hear several gunshots, then silence. Then, several minutes of banging, commotion, along with her yelling and swearing. She emerges from the room disheveled and annoyed.
“Hey morons,” she says. “You put blanks in the gun so I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2a9xx/the_cia_is_recruiting_three_people_for_a_top/
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Painting Nuns

Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2a10x/painting_nuns/
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Why did the grizzly get an A+ in his hibernation class?

He slept through the entire semester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c29yji/why_did_the_grizzly_get_an_a_in_his_hibernation/
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What's the only thing worse than having lobsters on your piano?

Having crabs on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c29q5w/whats_the_only_thing_worse_than_having_lobsters/
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#173: A little boy goes walking by the old man’s house carrying a roll of duct tape.

The old man hollers from his porch, “Hey, young man! Where you walking to with that duct tape?”
The boy responds, “I’m gonna catch me some ducks!”
The old man laughs and yells back, “Boy, don’t you know you can’t catch ducks with duct tape?”
The little boy just smiles, waves, and keeps on walking. An hour later he walks back past the old man’s house, this time with a string of ducks on his duct tape. The old man thinks, “I’ll be damned.”
The next day, the boy walks by the old man’s house carrying some chicken wire.
The old man hollers from his porch, “Boy, now where you going today with that chicken wire?”
The boy responds, “I’m gonna go catch me some chickens!”
The old man yells back, “Son, you don’t catch chickens with chicken wire! Have some sense!”
The little boy just smiles, waves, and keeps on walking. An hour later he walks back past the old man’s house, this time dragging chickens home behind him. The old man thinks to himself, “You gotta be shittin’ me.”
The next day, the boy walks by the old man’s house with a pussy willow stick in his hand. The old man hollers from his porch, “Boy.....let me get my shoes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c29pe7/173_a_little_boy_goes_walking_by_the_old_mans/
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I once dated a mermaid

I didn't believe her at first, due to the human legs. But the smell was unmistakable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c29o08/i_once_dated_a_mermaid/
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As teacher, I think its important to make the little things count...

so i excusivly teach maths to midgets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c29hwn/as_teacher_i_think_its_important_to_make_the/
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What’s invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2994n/whats_invisible_and_smells_like_carrots/
%
Throwing a pebble at someone won't kill them. However if you throw a pebble at a speed of 750,000 mph

Chances are you have superpowers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c296mf/throwing_a_pebble_at_someone_wont_kill_them/
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You shouldn't play hard to get

If you're hard to want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c28tu1/you_shouldnt_play_hard_to_get/
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I saw a picture of my dad’s junk today

I said, “Damnit dad stop texting me this shit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c28teu/i_saw_a_picture_of_my_dads_junk_today/
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I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win,

but no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c28srj/i_entered_10_puns_in_a_pun_contest_hoping_one/
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Dad, am I adopted?

No.
Why the fuck would I pick you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c28si0/dad_am_i_adopted/
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Why didn't barbie get pregnant?

Because Ken came in a different box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c28mtf/why_didnt_barbie_get_pregnant/
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The Germans have developed a talking bread, but it only uses informal greetings such as "tag" or "morgen".

It's guten-free bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c28ld9/the_germans_have_developed_a_talking_bread_but_it/
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A young boy asks his dad for a new bike..

"Does your dick touch your asshole? asks his dad.
Looking confused, the boy says "Ummm, I don't know daddy."
"Well then you can't have a new bike." says dad.
A few years go by and the boy (Now 13) asks his dad for a new Mountain Bike.
"Does your dick touch your asshole, son?"
"No, not yet dad." says the boy.
"Well, no new Mountain Bike for you." says dad.
Now 18 years old and just graduated from high school, the young man asks his dad for a new car with a HUGE grin on his face.
The dad asks "Does your dick touch your asshole, son?"
The boy with tremendous enthusiasm says aloud "YES! YES IT DOES DAD!"
The dad replies "Ahhh, well then go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c28kfk/a_young_boy_asks_his_dad_for_a_new_bike/
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A stranger walks into a local bar...

He is a big guy but no one has ever seen him in there before.
"Who is the toughest guy in here?", he shouts to the bar keeper.
"Well right now I suppose it is Clyde over at the pool table."
The big man walks up to Clyde, rolls the pool balls around, picks up a pool que and just beats the daylights out of poor Clyde and leaves.
Next day the big man walks back into the bar, "Who is the toughest son of a bitch in here?", he yells again at the bar keeper.
"Well Dwight is sitting at the end of the bar eating a sandwich, but you best not mess with him.
The tough guy walks down to the end of the bar, picks up Dwight's sandwich, takes a bite, drops it on the floor and grinds his heel into it.
Dwight stands up to punch this sucker but the though guy proceeds to beat the piss out of him leaving him a bloody mess, and leaves.
After two more days of this the bar keeper gets an gorilla from his buddy at the zoo, and locks it in a stall in the men's room.
Though guy walks in, "Who is the toughest mother fucker in here today?" He demands.
"In the john taking a shit"
The tough guy storms into the bathroom, slams the door and it sounds like World War Three. Pictures fall off the wall, dust puffs out from under the door, etc. This goes on for 25 minutes.
Finally the tough guy staggers out of the john, black eyes, broken arm, dragging his leg, just beat to hell.
"I see you finally met you match, eh?" Says the bar keeper.
"No, you tell that asshole when he comes to, his fur coat is on the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c28gmk/a_stranger_walks_into_a_local_bar/
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"How to make good jokes on reddit to get karma"

Oh shit this isnt google

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c28fyo/how_to_make_good_jokes_on_reddit_to_get_karma/
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Finally realized why Americans are addicted to fried foods

They're one of the world's most well-known locations of proven oil reserves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c28ebh/finally_realized_why_americans_are_addicted_to/
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A man was at the Grand canyon

As he sat watching, ten puns came walking up. They all started talking excitedly and strapping on wings. He asked them what they were doing and they said they were going to fly down the canyon. One by one they all jumped off and began to glide down. Suddenly a gust of wind struck and they dropped out of view. He quickly hiked down to see if any of them had survived. To his horror when he got to the bottom he discovered that no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c28ado/a_man_was_at_the_grand_canyon/
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What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?

A salad shooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c288qq/what_do_you_call_a_vegan_with_diarrhea/
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My wife always keeps on talking to me while having sex. But her voice is really sweet.

The only problem is that sometimes she will call me even when I am in the middle of a meeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c28876/my_wife_always_keeps_on_talking_to_me_while/
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Did y'all hear about the accident during the Kowloon Percussion Festival?

There was a tamtam ensemble that was playing a piece, and one of the instruments fell off its stand and rolled into the crowd, injuring a few people.
Headlines were "Hong Kong Gong Song Gone Wrong"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c281ry/did_yall_hear_about_the_accident_during_the/
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What do you call a sneezing rabbi

AaaJeww!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c280nt/what_do_you_call_a_sneezing_rabbi/
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Have you heard the joke about the two helium atoms?

HeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c27s9k/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_the_two_helium_atoms/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c27mh2/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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Jack and the dog

So jack was crying because his dog died and his mother walked up to him and said”oh jack why are you crying you didn’t cry when grandpa died” on which jack responded with”I didn’t buy grandpa from my allowance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c27idk/jack_and_the_dog/
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I have a friend who plays the Alto Sax and the Tenor Sax.

He is bi-saxual.
*I will show myself the door*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c27cwf/i_have_a_friend_who_plays_the_alto_sax_and_the/
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Little boy bursts into the bathroom to see his naked mother climbing out of the shower

"Mummy - what's that thing between your legs"
Thinking fast the mother says "Well your daddy was chopping some wood one day and there was a mistake and that is where your father accidentally hit me with an axe"
"Great shot" says the kid "He got you right in the cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c27bmw/little_boy_bursts_into_the_bathroom_to_see_his/
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My wife wanted something that would go 0-100 very fast for her birthday

So i gave her a scale
(0-100 in kg's)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c276z7/my_wife_wanted_something_that_would_go_0100_very/
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I man goes into the doctor.

"Doctor, every morning my wife wakes me up with a blow job.  We have sex in the shower.  And after breakfast we have sex again before I go to work.
"In work, at 11, my secretary gives me a blow job.  During lunch a have sex with one of the girls from upstairs.  And before I go home I shag my secretary again
"When I get home, I have sex with my wife before dinner.  I get a blow job after dinner, and we have sex again when we go to bed"
"Ok, so what appears to be the problem?", asks the Doctor.
"It hurts when I masturbate...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c276j0/i_man_goes_into_the_doctor/
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Why did the person name their puppy "Comma"?

Because of its small paws.
^(courtesy of my daily dog calendar)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c27654/why_did_the_person_name_their_puppy_comma/
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Two dust particles meet in a vacuum cleaner

"Man, I hate this place" says one of them.
"Yeah, it sucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c275my/two_dust_particles_meet_in_a_vacuum_cleaner/
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A spanish photon walks into a bar

The bartender says "What'll it be?"
The photon says "Una cerveza por favor."
A few minute later the bartender comes back and the beer is finished so he says "Hey buddy, want another?"
The photon replies "No mas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c274ux/a_spanish_photon_walks_into_a_bar/
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A doctor walks into an examining room.

A doctor walks into an examination room and puts his hand on his patients shoulder.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh no!” Says the patient. “How long do I have live?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“Ten?!” Cries the panicked patient.
“Ten what? Days? Weeks? Months?”
The doctor calmly replies, “Nine ...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c26ygc/a_doctor_walks_into_an_examining_room/
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What does killing a black person and saying the n-word have in common?

Black people do it all the time, but get mad when a white person does it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c26vli/what_does_killing_a_black_person_and_saying_the/
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My new thesaurus is terrible

In fact I'd go as far to say it's terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c26uyv/my_new_thesaurus_is_terrible/
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The ice cream van thieves

Two bank thieves decided to plan their final job, a huge bank near the Sahara desert.
Their trick was to leave the crime scene in a ice - cream truck, this way the police never suspected them. This final heist however was to prove their last.
They arrived in an battered old minivan and the plan went smoothly, up until the police received a tip off that the ice cream van contained the criminals. With no other choice, they fled to the desert, the police thinking they were as good as dead, didn't follow them.
The thieves new that if they could reach the other side, they would be safe and could live freely for the remainder if their lives. They were halfway when the van died, and 3/4 of the way when the water ran out. Then one of them saw a miraculous sight, a bacon tree! Right on the top of the hill.
Too late they realised, it wasn't a bacon tree! It was a hambush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c26tns/the_ice_cream_van_thieves/
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Three gay guys are sitting in a hot tub....

A load of semen floats up to the surface.....
“Okay guys, who farted?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c26t59/three_gay_guys_are_sitting_in_a_hot_tub/
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What did the father vacuum say to his son before he left for war?

Don’t Dyson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c26sdy/what_did_the_father_vacuum_say_to_his_son_before/
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A jew is on his death bed...

As he breathes his last breath he calls for his wife,"Angella are you here." The wife replies sobbing " yes dear here i am." He then asks for his two sons. The wife now choking up replies "yes dear they are here too. By your side." The man coughs and gathers up breath to ask for his daughter. The wife now crying unctrollably says  "every one is here dear. We are all with you." The Jew gathers up all the strength he can and finally blurts out...
"If everyone is here then why are  the damn lights on in the other room!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c26q1u/a_jew_is_on_his_death_bed/
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Make little things count they say.

Henceforth I will be teaching midgets some math.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c26mlt/make_little_things_count_they_say/
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A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c26k9p/a_briton_a_frenchman_and_a_russian_are_viewing_a/
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Put the punchline first.

How do you make a time travel joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c26f7f/put_the_punchline_first/
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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are
you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup"
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss...".
"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is
having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel
together right now."
"Let's go", the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel
and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle
and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head,
and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring
for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c26bws/so_there_was_this_professional_assassin_that/
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Did you hear about the guy whos temperature was absolute zero?

No, is he 0k?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c26bo7/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whos_temperature_was/
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How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2691p/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
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I prefer my wine like I do my women

Locked in a cellar for 20 years and sold for the highest bidder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2691f/i_prefer_my_wine_like_i_do_my_women/
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A photon walks into a hotel.

The porter asks if he needs any help with his luggage. The photon says, “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c263v0/a_photon_walks_into_a_hotel/
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Having a heart attack is pretty bad

But even worse if you’re playing charades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c263kj/having_a_heart_attack_is_pretty_bad/
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Tough roads

A dual carriageway and a motorway are in a bar and they're having an argument over which one of them is the toughest. "I'm the toughest!" yells the dual carriageway. "No you're not, I'm the biggest and fastest!" the motorway shouts back.
After a few back and forth retorts a piece of red asphalt walks in to the bar. Both the dual carriageway and the motorway immediately run for cover. The barman walks up to them and says "What's wrong with you guys? I thought you were big and tough?". To which both of them reply "We are, but he's a cyclepath!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c262l0/tough_roads/
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What do you eat to make your farts follow people?

Ghost peppers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c262es/what_do_you_eat_to_make_your_farts_follow_people/
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George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Mattgew McCounaughey get together to make a movie.

George says "I'll direct"
Leonardo says "I'll produce"
Matthew says "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c261up/george_clooney_leonardo_dicaprio_and_mattgew/
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My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2616r/my_cousin_jack_was_horse_riding_yesterday_and_he/
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Three blondes walk into a bar...

You think the third one would have noticed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c25zeu/three_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
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What is a pirate's favorite letter?

You'd think it'd be R, but it'd really be the C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c25xrl/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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A king was fed up by the constant jokes about the men in his kingdom being afraid of their wives.

He wanted to find a man who wasn't afraid of his wife and give him public honors and lavish him with gifts so other men may follow suit.
After some brainstorming in the court the king announced to his subjects that " if a man comes forward and publically say that he is NOT AFRAID of his wife, then that man will win the best horse from the king's stables".
The king waited with with baited breath for someone to come forward. Days passed but nobody came forward. The king was about to lose all hope then suddenly a man came in his court saying that "he was NOT AFRAID of his wife".
The king was over the moon thinking that there is indeed a real man in his kingdom. He called all his subjects in a big Field and introduced them to the man who was definitely NOT AFRAID of his wife. Everyone applauded in awe as king presented him with the best red horse in his stable.
The man disappointingly looked at the horse. The king was confused. "What is it? You don't like the horse? "
The man replied, " actually, if you don't mind your highness, my wife asked me to bring a white horse
"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c25va8/a_king_was_fed_up_by_the_constant_jokes_about_the/
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A boy offers a girl $10 if she climbs a tall tree.

*She climbs the tree and takes $10 and tells about it to her mom*
Mom: Darling you shouldn't do that. He fooled you. He wanted to see your panties as you climbed
Daughter: I knew he was aiming for that so I fooled him by not wearing panties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c25va7/a_boy_offers_a_girl_10_if_she_climbs_a_tall_tree/
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Last week I spotted an albino dalmatian

It was the least I could do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c25tuo/last_week_i_spotted_an_albino_dalmatian/
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I only become friends with narcissists

That way when I'm not around, I know they're not talking about me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c25sf0/i_only_become_friends_with_narcissists/
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So a guy walks into a beer distributor...

Guy walks into a beer distributor and asks for a case of bud light
Distributor: " why wouldn't you just get Budweiser, its on sale"
Man: " ah last time I had a whole case of that I was blowing chunks all night"
Distributor: " yeah if you drink a whole case that'll do that to ya"
Man: "I don't think you understand, Chunks is my dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c25rf3/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_beer_distributor/
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Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him "would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?"

Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c25nkz/irishman_got_a_job_at_the_zoo_first_week_there/
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I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c25bkl/i_sat_next_to_baby_on_a_ten_hour_flight_i_didnt/
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A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."
So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"
And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear."
"Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole."
"Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?"
"I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her."
"Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?"
"Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c25bgt/a_little_girl_says_to_her_mother_mummy_when_you/
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What do you call a 13 year old with his head chopped off?

A guilloteenager.
That joke was well executed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c25b69/what_do_you_call_a_13_year_old_with_his_head/
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Why did the blind man fall into a well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c25b29/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_a_well/
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One day a father and a daughter were at a park.

The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.”
They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c2596i/one_day_a_father_and_a_daughter_were_at_a_park/
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An electron walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up. The electron waves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c253a2/an_electron_walks_into_a_bar/
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Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.

It was the least I could have done for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c252g6/yesterday_i_spotted_an_albino_dalmation/
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How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, one to promise a bright future and the other to screw it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c251cs/how_many_brexiteers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Today I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof.

I was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c24m5a/today_i_found_out_that_my_toaster_wasnt_waterproof/
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Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,
they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,
and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c24gfp/having_student_loans_is_like_being_in_a_shitty/
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Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

He's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c24gc1/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_lost_his_left_arm/
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I got a bottle of wine for my mother-in-law

It was a great trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c24ffv/i_got_a_bottle_of_wine_for_my_motherinlaw/
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What do we want?

A cure for tourettes!
When do we want it?
Cunt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c24bz7/what_do_we_want/
%
Bastard

you: bastard
me: you just did
you: I'm not going to do that
me: this joke only makes sense if you read it backwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c24b8f/bastard/
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I see Google Calendar is down

I thought I'd never see the day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c24aw9/i_see_google_calendar_is_down/
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As a married man it’s hard for me to fall asleep after sex

Because i have to drive home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c248il/as_a_married_man_its_hard_for_me_to_fall_asleep/
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The Best Way to Drink Tequila

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.
He looks at the glass and it's clear.
Looks like tequila.
Then he smells the liquid.
Smells like tequila.
So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly."
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.
He tells her to drink it.
It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.
The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to fill the two glasses.
The result is the same.
The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife,  "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says,
"Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c247vi/the_best_way_to_drink_tequila/
%
One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.
Devil: Why are you so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...?
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die -- you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place!
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No.
Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c245rp/one_day_a_guy_dies/
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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c241dz/hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
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I just pissed with a boner

I thought it was quite hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c23xsy/i_just_pissed_with_a_boner/
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What’s the difference between three cocks and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c23wh2/whats_the_difference_between_three_cocks_and_a/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c23qvg/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
A man goes into a bar

and admires the stuffed lion’s head mounted on the wall. “What a great trophy,” says the man to the bartender. “I wouldn’t call it great,” replies the bartender. “That damn lion killed my wife.” “My God,” says the man, “were you on safari?” “No,” replies the bartender. “It fell on her head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c23m1l/a_man_goes_into_a_bar/
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A farmer has three daughters that are all going on their first dates...

The farmer decides to greet the suitors at the door with his shot gun. Around 5 the first boy arrives and rings the doorbell. “My names Joe, I’m here for flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?”
The farmer thought he was alright, so off they went to their date.
Shortly after the second boy arrives. He rings the doorbell and the farmer answers.  “My names Heddy, I’m here for Betty, we’re going for spaghetti, is she ready?”
The farmer once again decided the boy was ok, so off the kids went.
Finally, the last boy arrives. The farmer goes to the door. “My names Chuck...”
The farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c23ix8/a_farmer_has_three_daughters_that_are_all_going/
%
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee

in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c23g1d/four_catholic_men_and_a_catholic_woman_were/
%
How many youtubers does it take to fix a light bulb?

SPOILER ALERT!!!
.
.
Watch till the end to find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c239v7/how_many_youtubers_does_it_take_to_fix_a_light/
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Knock Knock

Who’s there?
Woo.
Woo Who?
Why are you so exited, it’s just a knock knock joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c238iw/knock_knock/
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I know how to cheat death

Stay at the living room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c236ed/i_know_how_to_cheat_death/
%
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.

My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c235yd/i_ride_share_to_work_regularly_but_if_im_in_the/
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How many south americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A brazillian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c235kz/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Honestly, I don't even enjoy sex with nuns that much,

it's just, once you've gotten into the habit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c230cl/honestly_i_dont_even_enjoy_sex_with_nuns_that_much/
%
My brother wanted to share his original joke with you guys so here we go...

You guys wanna see my invisible jet, well you can’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c22scv/my_brother_wanted_to_share_his_original_joke_with/
%
People who buy turf for their yards don’t have the patience to grow their own

They want instant grassification

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c22s30/people_who_buy_turf_for_their_yards_dont_have_the/
%
Why don't they do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

You don't turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c22rnd/why_dont_they_do_the_reverse_cowgirl_in_alabama/
%
Why can't Madonna walk through walls?

Because we're living in a material world and she's a material girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c22r7e/why_cant_madonna_walk_through_walls/
%
Did you hear the one about the guy who died watching porn?

Cardiac Arrest Mid-Stroke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c22qok/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_guy_who_died/
%
Death bed-Joke

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c22jph/death_bedjoke/
%
A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head.

He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!”
His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Grandma what you just said!” The boy finds his grandmother and says, “Look Grandma, I’m a white boy!” His grandmother bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?”
The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c22i7r/a_black_boy_walks_into_the_kitchen_where_his/
%
My therapist told me to write letters to people I hate and burn them.

And it really worked! I feel much better now! Not sure what to do with all these letters though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c22gpj/my_therapist_told_me_to_write_letters_to_people_i/
%
I'm not really a fully committed capitalist...

...I'm what they call buy-curious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c22fgm/im_not_really_a_fully_committed_capitalist/
%
An American woman walks into an Italian Starbucks.

She asks for a venti latte and takes her seat. She sits there for 30 minutes, exasperated that she doesn’t have her latte yet.
After a while, the cashier finally calls her name, and the woman goes up.
The cashier hands her 20 lattes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c22exx/an_american_woman_walks_into_an_italian_starbucks/
%
President Trump stood at the podium in front of a hundred cameras.

"Good morning. I want to tell you about the work our Customs and Border Patrol people are doing on the southern border. I'm being told that we have more people crossing the border illegally now than ever before in our nation's history -- maybe in the history of the world. Yesterday, our people captured 13 Brazilian people crossing illegally near El Paso. I'm not sure how many a Brazilian is, but it seems like a lot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c22etx/president_trump_stood_at_the_podium_in_front_of_a/
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Why did the Grizzly get a D- in his hibernation class?

Because he did the bear minimum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c22chj/why_did_the_grizzly_get_a_d_in_his_hibernation/
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People in Dubai don’t know the Flintstones.

But people in Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c228bi/people_in_dubai_dont_know_the_flintstones/
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My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c227xj/my_girlfriend_gave_me_a_list_of_things_shed_like/
%
I was criticizing my friend for eating poison when he started to object and then suddenly vomited...

...I said I'm glad you brought that up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c223kj/i_was_criticizing_my_friend_for_eating_poison/
%
Getting kicked out

I once got kicked out of a group for making too many "That's what she said" jokes.
Who knew you couldn't do that a feminist convention?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c221uc/getting_kicked_out/
%
If you don't know what to get for someone's birthday

Offer them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c221ig/if_you_dont_know_what_to_get_for_someones_birthday/
%
A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

The man says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The loans officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys and documents of a new Bentley Continental, parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Bentley into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns and repays the $5,000, plus interest, which is $15.41. The loans officer says: “We are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a rich man. You have a good-sized house in up-state New York, a sizeable equity portfolio and no debt at all. We are curious as to why you would bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replied: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c220m3/a_man_walks_into_a_bank_in_new_york_city_and_asks/
%
How do you get out of San Francisco?

Go straight....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c220k5/how_do_you_get_out_of_san_francisco/
%
I saw an obituary for the owner of the world's biggest stone quarry...

"He left a deep hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c21xj9/i_saw_an_obituary_for_the_owner_of_the_worlds/
%
For all Bill Cosby's faults...

he did touch a lot of people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c21rml/for_all_bill_cosbys_faults/
%
A priest gets his hair cut.

He goes to pay the barber who refuses his money. "I cannot charge a man of the cloth."  So the next day the grateful priest sends him a dozen roses.
A minister goes to the same barber. He gets his hair cut. He goes to pay the barber who refuses his money. "I cannot charge a man of the cloth."  So the next day the grateful minister sends him a dozen roses.
A rabbi also goes to get his haircut by this same barber. He goes to pay the barber who refuses his money. "I cannot charge a man of the cloth."  So the next day the grateful jew sends him a dozen Rabbis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c21rfz/a_priest_gets_his_hair_cut/
%
Chronic masturbation can cause memory attacks and loss of ire.

Or something like that, why don't you go fuck yourself?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c21qvu/chronic_masturbation_can_cause_memory_attacks_and/
%
Why do gay people smile so much?

It's hard for them to keep a straight face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c21pi4/why_do_gay_people_smile_so_much/
%
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?

He kept on turning negatives into positives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c21ob5/why_did_the_optimistic_electrician_lose_his_job/
%
I noticed my friend had a copy of The Encyclopedia Britannica...

...I thought that explains a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c21nyx/i_noticed_my_friend_had_a_copy_of_the/
%
She said "You pay more attention to that damned computer than you do to me!"

I said, "Well, the computer goes down on me now and then".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c21nrz/she_said_you_pay_more_attention_to_that_damned/
%
A maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise

, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Karen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Karen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Karen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Karen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Karen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Karen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Karen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c21k6r/a_maid_asked_her_boss_the_wife_for_a_raise/
%
A wife asked her husband: “Am I the only one you’ve ever been with?”

He replied, “Yes. The others were all nines and tens.”
She was acquitted of all charges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c21iyl/a_wife_asked_her_husband_am_i_the_only_one_youve/
%
A black hole walks into a bar

and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.
The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c21hqn/a_black_hole_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I was once an actor in an action movie.

Me: "Stay back, or I'll kick you!"
Director: "Cut! You messed up, try it again. Aaaaand ACTION!"
Me: "Stay back, or I'll smack you!"
Director: "Cuuut! Come on, get it correct this time! Aaaand ACTION!"
Me: "Stay back, or I'll pinch you!"
Director: "CUT! That's it, you're fired!"
Me: "Wait, why?"
Director: "Because you keep messing up the punch line!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c21chu/i_was_once_an_actor_in_an_action_movie/
%
Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet...

The view was breathtaking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c217sc/overcome_with_the_beauty_of_the_earth_from_space/
%
The spanish word for "pool" is "piscina"...

thats because you piscina pool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c217it/the_spanish_word_for_pool_is_piscina/
%
I’m Blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York

There was a woman on a flight to New York, her ticket was for coach but she was in first class. A member of the cabin crew had realised that her ticket was for coach, so he goes up to the woman and kindly asks her to move to her correct seat, she responds with “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York. Another member of the cabin crew asks her kindly to move, again she responds with the same thing, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York. Eventually after every member of the cabin crew had kindly asked her to move they decided to go to the captain for help. The captain goes into first class and then the woman walks out and goes to her correct seat, all the cabin crew members surprisingly asks how he got her to go to her correct seat, the captain responds with “ I just told her first class wasn’t going to New York”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c212f7/im_blonde_im_beautiful_and_im_going_to_new_york/
%
What did the banana say to the vibrator?

What are you shaking for she's gonna eat me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c211r3/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
%
Why are there no toilets in some banks?

Because they don't accept such deposits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c20v5r/why_are_there_no_toilets_in_some_banks/
%
If you gets a link called 'free porn' don't open it.

It is a birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Lil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c20uwr/if_you_gets_a_link_called_free_porn_dont_open_it/
%
Just dropped my mobile phone in a bowl of mayonnaise.

Fuckin hellman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c20uuu/just_dropped_my_mobile_phone_in_a_bowl_of/
%
I never said he was dumb...

I simply said that Roe v. Wade are not two methods of crossing the Potomac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c20t0t/i_never_said_he_was_dumb/
%
No TV in Afghanistan

(this is an actual true event)
This colleague's friend went to Afghanistan. As he spent his days there he realised there are no TVs in anyone's home.
"what's going on here. How come there's no TV around here?"
Someone replied, "oh. It's coz of the Tele-ban".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c20rg2/no_tv_in_afghanistan/
%
My blond friend once used “GokuBatmanHulkPikachuBakugouLucinaMulanAangBangkok” as his e-mail password.

He said that his password needed 8 Characters with 1 Capital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c20otl/my_blond_friend_once_used/
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A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar...

...and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them.
He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.”
He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son,  you’re not.”
The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says,
“Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c20njo/a_drunk_man_stumbles_out_of_a_bar/
%
Ike calls his wife from the police station. He says he was arrested during 80’s night at the local bar.

“What happened?”, inquired his wife.
“You see...”, Ike replies, “...they were playing 80’s music that night, and drunk me had the bright idea of doing something related to the song that was playing at that moment.”
“...Would you mind elaborating?”
“Ok then,” sighed Ike, “One time, they played “Jump” by Van Halen. I proceeded to jump throughout the duration of the song. They followed it up with “You Spin Me Right Round”, and I ended up spinning until I got dizzy as fuck. Then they played “Shout”....and I screamed until my throat gave out.”
“....But those don’t seem bad at all!”, protested his wife, “How the hell could you get arrested for that?!”
“Well....”, shrugged Ike, “The next song they played was “Come On Eileen”.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c20mks/ike_calls_his_wife_from_the_police_station_he/
%
My older sister came back from her first year of college and was talking about her favorite sorority initiation called Boo-Khaki

I didn’t know it was required of sororities to hate on khakis, like whats the big deal?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c20j5w/my_older_sister_came_back_from_her_first_year_of/
%
I hate donut’s without holes

There always so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c20fr3/i_hate_donuts_without_holes/
%
Communist found genie lamp

Genie:  What is your wish?
Communist: I wish everything will be ours.
Genie: What is our next wish?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c20fqu/communist_found_genie_lamp/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Gordan Ramsay: Because you didn't fu*king cook it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c20dy0/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
My brother didn't like jail

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c205to/my_brother_didnt_like_jail/
%
My doctor just diagnosed me as suffering from xenophobia.

I bet I caught it from one of those bloody foreigners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c203vx/my_doctor_just_diagnosed_me_as_suffering_from/
%
[NSFW] I wish I could remember my safe word...

I want life to stop screwing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c201ff/nsfw_i_wish_i_could_remember_my_safe_word/
%
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?
"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c201eb/at_the_national_art_gallery_in_dublin_a_husband/
%
I need a new bicycle chain.

Can anyone give me any links?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1zzwk/i_need_a_new_bicycle_chain/
%
Why can't glass lie?

Because you can see right though it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ztgp/why_cant_glass_lie/
%
Me and my friends started a band called 999 Megabytes.

We still don't have a gig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1zrn4/me_and_my_friends_started_a_band_called_999/
%
After a decades long career, the parking guy suddenly disappears. A worried customer goes to inquire.

"What happened to the guy at the entrance who collected all the parking fees and even told us where free spots are? Did he retire?"
The employee is somewhat confused.
"Sir, parking has been free ever since we opened."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1zkml/after_a_decades_long_career_the_parking_guy/
%
The thing about mexican arabs is...

once you've met Juan, you've met Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1zkat/the_thing_about_mexican_arabs_is/
%
What do you call it if the Marlboro man dies of a cerebrovascular accident during sex?

A Lucky Stroke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1zi4k/what_do_you_call_it_if_the_marlboro_man_dies_of_a/
%
Wanna know why jogging is evil?

"The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous stand as bold as a lion."
Proverbs 28:1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1zf9g/wanna_know_why_jogging_is_evil/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know but their flag is a huge plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1z9t3/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
Well, well, well

The story of three holes in the ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1z97k/well_well_well/
%
Time Stands Still for Enthusiast PC Owners...

They are so over clocks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1z7uj/time_stands_still_for_enthusiast_pc_owners/
%
God Created Everyone unique

Then God got to Asia and got bored

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1z58b/god_created_everyone_unique/
%
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1z24j/i_just_got_back_from_dubai_where_i_was_offered_40/
%
A kid gets home very distressed.....

And says "mom everyone at school says that im always distracted" "FOR THE LAST TIME KID, YOU LIVE NEXT DOOR!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1yxw4/a_kid_gets_home_very_distressed/
%
He: Can I try your bra on?

She: Sure, go ahead, I have no tissue with that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ywin/he_can_i_try_your_bra_on/
%
A guy walks into his home with a chicken under his arm...

Husband: "here's the cow I've been sleeping with"
Wife: "that's not a cow that's a chicken"
Husband: "I wasn't talking to you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1yvig/a_guy_walks_into_his_home_with_a_chicken_under/
%
We just found out my friend had a collapsed iris 2 years after he got it.

I mean, it wasnt hard to see the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1yubf/we_just_found_out_my_friend_had_a_collapsed_iris/
%
What does a southern divorce and a tornado have in common?

Someone’s gonna lose a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ytce/what_does_a_southern_divorce_and_a_tornado_have/
%
A man is making love to his wife, and sees his son watching them.

The boy runs off so the man tells his wife, " I should go talk to him."
The man goes to his son's room to find him banging his grandma.
The father yells, "What the hell?!"
The boy replies, " Not so funny when it's your mom, Is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1yr6v/a_man_is_making_love_to_his_wife_and_sees_his_son/
%
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?

"You crossed the wrong guy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1yohc/what_did_jesus_say_after_he_resurrected_on_the/
%
How do you get your wife to stop smoking?

Use lube, and go slower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ym5l/how_do_you_get_your_wife_to_stop_smoking/
%
Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ym4v/justice_is_best_served_cold/
%
I once met a girl with 12 nipples

Sounds weird but amazing, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ygsc/i_once_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
%
Can a salmon be contained?

No, but a tuna can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1yacp/can_a_salmon_be_contained/
%
I fell off the ladder the other day...

I lay in pain unable to move for hours.  Finally a blonde walks by and I tell her to dial 911.  She does as instructed and promptly hangs up.  I ask “well, what they’d say?  She replies, “well, they asked if I was injured, so I said no and hung up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1y2c3/i_fell_off_the_ladder_the_other_day/
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FIDO!

This guy was dating a woman and they decided to go back to her place. When he arrived he had really bad gas and noticed a dog laid underneath a chair. He thought to himself that if he sat in the chair he could blame his gas problems on the dog. He sat down and let out a little silent fart and that woman yelled, "Fido!". He thought ok she thinks it's the dog and let out another fart a little louder than the first. The woman yelled again "Fido!". This time the guy let loose a big loud fart and the woman yelled again, "Fido get from under that chair before that man shits on you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1y1jk/fido/
%
I caught two bears banging around in the dumpster behind my house last night.

Apparently, their gym memberships expired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1xy7g/i_caught_two_bears_banging_around_in_the_dumpster/
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A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.

They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1xls5/a_man_meets_a_gorgeous_woman_in_a_bar/
%
I was going to tell a time travel joke...

But y'all didn't like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1xlb7/i_was_going_to_tell_a_time_travel_joke/
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Every year at the state fair...

... Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow.
All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held.
And once again, Paul lost.
The winning number was 707....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1xl5b/every_year_at_the_state_fair/
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A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him.  Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian.  Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.
“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.
“What did he say?” asked the man.
He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1xk71/a_jewish_father_was_very_troubled_by_the_way_his/
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A study revealed married men die on average 7 years before their wives. Do you know why?

Because we want to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1xiv5/a_study_revealed_married_men_die_on_average_7/
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I asked my friend from Scotland how many sexual partners he had...

He started counting and fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1xfww/i_asked_my_friend_from_scotland_how_many_sexual/
%
what is the ultimate sign of trust?

two cannibals giving each other blow jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1x8ea/what_is_the_ultimate_sign_of_trust/
%
"Forget everything you learned in college, you won't need it working here"

"But I never went to college."
"I'm sorry, you're under-qualified to work here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1x8br/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
%
Why did the walrus feel bad about himself?

Because he was untuskworthy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1x6we/why_did_the_walrus_feel_bad_about_himself/
%
Re

I see you've stumbled across my Re-post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1x6vm/re/
%
A guy walks into a bar with a dog...

... The bartender looks up and says, "You can't come in here with that mutt!"
The guy says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! This ain't no ordinary dog. As a matter of fact, you should be paying for my drinks, because this dog is going to draw a crowd. It's a talking dog."
The bartender scoffs, but is curious non-the-less, "Let's hear him."
The guy looks to his canine companion, "Hey Rover, what does sandpaper feel like?" The dog looks back and happily answers, "Ruff! Ruff!"
The bartender sighs, "Okay, very funny, but get out of my bar."
"Wait, wait," the guy replies. He looks to his furry buddy, "Rover, what's on top of this building?" The dog looks at his master, "Roof! Roof!"
"Alright!" the bartender is now pissed, "Get out or I throw you and your mangy mutt out!" He waves over the bouncer.
"Okay, okay, okay, hold on!" The guy looks back at his dog, "Rover, who is the greatest baseball player of all time?" The dog looks up and without hesitation, "Ruth! Ruth!"
The bartender has had enough, "Throw 'em OUT!" The bouncer immediately tosses the guy and his dog into the street with little concern with how they land.
They lay there, in the road, a little worse for wear. The dog looks up at his master, "Was it DiMaggio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1x51l/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_dog/
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What do you find in a clean nose?

Fingerprints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1x0nw/what_do_you_find_in_a_clean_nose/
%
People always say that you cant tell if a man is gay just by the way he acts

but, me personally, I've always been able to peg em' pretty easily

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1x00f/people_always_say_that_you_cant_tell_if_a_man_is/
%
I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat..?

I’m already on stage 4!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1wyh0/i_dont_get_why_people_say_cancer_is_hard_to_beat/
%
Planned Parenthood is conducting a beauty contest.

The winner will be called 'Miss Carriage'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ww9b/planned_parenthood_is_conducting_a_beauty_contest/
%
I lost my job as an electrician.

They said that I re-fused too much work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1wu11/i_lost_my_job_as_an_electrician/
%
Why didnt Einstein ever go on a date?

Because to him-everything was relative!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1wsqk/why_didnt_einstein_ever_go_on_a_date/
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What's the difference between a dumpster fire and an agoraphobic?

The fire eventually goes out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1wphq/whats_the_difference_between_a_dumpster_fire_and/
%
What are the LGBTQ community's favorite electronic components?

Transistors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1wmpx/what_are_the_lgbtq_communitys_favorite_electronic/
%
I tried contacting the mods of r/anarchy...

but I couldn't find any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1wigz/i_tried_contacting_the_mods_of_ranarchy/
%
Which electronic component do cops hate?

Resistors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1wgdb/which_electronic_component_do_cops_hate/
%
Diarrhea is hereditary

It runs through your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1wcd1/diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
I made a DNA joke in my biology class but no one laughed.

Guess my thymine was off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1w55t/i_made_a_dna_joke_in_my_biology_class_but_no_one/
%
You know you're getting old when...

You walk by 4 priest and don't even get a wink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1w329/you_know_youre_getting_old_when/
%
In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow
Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world.
Roman: But we invent Roman numerals, to ease trade with every city on the map. And we created the first newspapers as well, to spread information throughout the globe!
Greek: Fine inventions, but us Greeks still have you beat. Did you know that we invented sex?
Roman: Yes, but we thought of having it with women!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1w30r/in_450_bc_a_greek_and_a_roman_are_sitting_around/
%
I just watched a documentary on beavers

Best dam show I’ve ever watched

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1w217/i_just_watched_a_documentary_on_beavers/
%
Chuck Norris & Superman once fought each other as a bet.

The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1vzxl/chuck_norris_superman_once_fought_each_other_as_a/
%
Which question does Sherlock Holmes ask when he is bored?

Watson TV?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1vyh8/which_question_does_sherlock_holmes_ask_when_he/
%
I just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times

I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1vxgz/i_just_got_kicked_out_of_a_karaoke_bar_for/
%
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half >!the population of the planet dead thanks to anti-vaxx morons actively working towards deleting herd immunity.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1vw1g/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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A man and his family have a pet duck

Most of the time, the duck stays near the little pond that lies in the corner of their property. Every now and then, the duck wanders around, and sometimes crosses the fence into the neighbor's land.
The neighbor, Mr. Wilson, is a bitter, mean old man who always yells at the children for letting their duck cross onto his property.
One Saturday, the family is outside having a BBQ together, just enjoying their day.  While the kids are eating, the duck flies up and goes over the fence.
Mr. Wilson is in particularly bad mood this day, and he decides that this is the last time. He goes inside, gets his gun, and shoots the duck dead right in front of the family.
The children are crying, the mother is angry, so the father goes over to the fence and says to Mr. Wilson, "Please give me back the duck so we can bury him."
"No way," replies Mr. Wilson. "It's on my property, it belongs to me. I'm going to have it for dinner."
The two argue about the duck for a while, the children still crying about their pet. Finally, the father is frustrated and says to Mr. Wilson, "Fine, let's settle this like men. We'll have a below the belt contest.  Last man standing can have the duck."
Mr. Wilson agrees, and since the father made the challenge, he goes first.  The father backs up to the other side of the property, runs across his field, jumps the picnic table, runs across the yard, leaps over the fence, and kicks Mr. Wilson squarely in the dick as hard as he can.
Mr. Wilson rolls around on the ground, swearing and gasping with tears in his eyes. He gets up and his head is spinning and his ears are ringing.  He takes a couple minutes to fully get back to his feet.  He is determined now to win and keep the duck, if nothing else then just on principle.
"Alright, my turn!" Says Mr. Wilson to his neighbor.
"Fuck it," the father replies. "You can keep the duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1vqii/a_man_and_his_family_have_a_pet_duck/
%
The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."
"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.
"Now, I want you to take off my bra."
"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it carelessly to the side.
"And Jeeves, remove my panties."
"Yes ma'am!" replies the butler as he slides the black silk thong onto the floor.
"Now Jeeves," says the woman, "the next time I catch you wearing my clothes you're fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1vnbl/the_wife_of_a_wealthy_business_man_calls_their/
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An *explosive* rhyme

There once was a girl named Jill...
Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill...
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1vlg0/an_explosive_rhyme/
%
A boy is visiting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

He's looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words. He picks one of them down just as girlfriend's mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.
"Oh those. They're family cups, one for each member, but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can no longer tell which is which, so I wrote on them to help myself."
She pulls one cup down that says "HIC-" holding it out to the man
"This is for little Thomas, it holds just enough water to help cure his hiccups, so I wrote HIC on it, it's the HIC-cup!"
She then pulls down another cup "This is for Angela, but it says BREA. whenever she's heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy, so this is her BREA-Cup."
"Ahh, okay I see it now." Says the boy "But doesn't your husband have his own cup?"
"Oh he does" The mom replies "It's the large one that says 'SHUTTHEFU' on it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1vg8j/a_boy_is_visiting_his_girlfriends_parents_for_the/
%
What does Geronimo say when he jumps?

"Meeeee"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1vg63/what_does_geronimo_say_when_he_jumps/
%
My high school had a $10 penalty for swearing on campus.

A student was heard saying “shit” in the lunchroom, so he was sent to the principal’s office. When the principal made him pay up, the student gave him a 20 and told him to “keep the fucking change.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1vfv7/my_high_school_had_a_10_penalty_for_swearing_on/
%
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?

Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ve6s/whats_the_worst_part_of_locking_your_keys_in_the/
%
I recently read Donald Trump’s book...

Unfortunately, I didn’t get past Chapter 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1v939/i_recently_read_donald_trumps_book/
%
I bought a lizard, Ernie, a while ago, and after two weeks he just stopped working.

I took Ernie to the vet, and they diagnosed him with ereptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1v1ys/i_bought_a_lizard_ernie_a_while_ago_and_after_two/
%
A plane crashes

The only survivor is a flight atendant.
She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavege. She sees smoke nearby and arives to see a man cooking some meat.
-Where are you from ?- She asks him
-Great Britian.- He replies.
-How long have you been here ?-
-Fifteen years.-
-Well could you give me some of that meat ? Im mighty hungry.-
-Oh yeah and what will you give me in return ?-
-Something you havent seen in fifteen years.-
She takes off her bra and the two start kissing as one thing leads to another. After they finish they lay on the cool evening sand covered only by a thin cloth blanket, the man sits up looks at the beautiful women laying next to him he asks her:
-Now where is the tea that you promised ?-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1v1ym/a_plane_crashes/
%
NaCl/NaOH

The base is under a salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1uupg/naclnaoh/
%
A very clean joke

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry.  I cannot serve you without a Thai."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1urk5/a_very_clean_joke/
%
Did you hear the local ATM was having issues?

It was having withdrawal symptoms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1uqx2/did_you_hear_the_local_atm_was_having_issues/
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A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

Jane ate her friend's lunch.
Jane ate her friend's colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1umza/a_colon_can_completely_change_the_meaning_of_a/
%
A baker I know got rich by accident and now he’s rolling in dough.

No bun intended

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ukaj/a_baker_i_know_got_rich_by_accident_and_now_hes/
%
What does a vegan zombie eat?

Graaaaaiiiinns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ud60/what_does_a_vegan_zombie_eat/
%
idk i thought it was funny

2 lumberjacks are hanging out in the woods, when suddenly one of them collapses. the other guy calls 911.
lumberjack: "my friend just collapsed, i think he might be dead."
operator: "ok, just make sure first."
\*gunshot is heard on the operators end\*
lumberjack: okay, what now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ucfz/idk_i_thought_it_was_funny/
%
The other day I was getting a recipe from a chef. He told me the recipe needed clarified butter...

So I asked him if he could be more specific.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1u806/the_other_day_i_was_getting_a_recipe_from_a_chef/
%
Which medication kites behind your boat?

Parasailtamol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1u2y0/which_medication_kites_behind_your_boat/
%
How do you make someone read something twice?

By putting it in both the title and the body of the post. (Please stop doing this!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1u07t/how_do_you_make_someone_read_something_twice/
%
I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1tw27/ive_done_some_terrible_things_for_money/
%
I’ve been in jail for 5 minutes and I’ve already been beaten twice

I hate playing monopoly with my dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1tw24/ive_been_in_jail_for_5_minutes_and_ive_already/
%
If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it right now.

\*by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1trsu/if_the_earth_was_flat_cats_would_have_pushed/
%
Angela Merkel invites to dinnerparty after G20 summit.

So, true story that has been leaked here in Germany, after the last G20 summit in Hamburg, Merkel invited all the leaders to a dinner party:
Sitting at the table Trump and Putin took a seat next to her, left and right. She notices the federal republic did not spare expenses and served dishes with golden cutlery. She couldn't take her mind off it.
She looks left and right and sees that also Trump and Putin have noticed it: Trump sneaks a spoon into his tux and Putin does the same with a fork.
She looks around more secretly and takes advantage that everyone is eating and chanting, taking a knife slowly ... *ding ... she hits a glas.
Everyone silences, looks at her, she harrumphs: "Sank you, evryone, for attending sis dinner, se honor is mine, please enjoy!" Everyone nods, cheers and the usual mumbling continues.
"Phew" she says to herself smirking, "dodged a bullet." Again, this time more slowly.. *ding ....
"Ugh. Ah... yes! Se kitchen will serve extra rare wine from Dshermany also!" Hear hear, everyone cheering.
A third time she tries extra carefully *ding.... "For fucks sake" she mumbles, and says out loud, standing up: "Ladies and Dshentlmen, tonight i prepared a speshal magic trick: i take my spoon and my fork, and put sem into my jacket. And now i take it out here and there from Trumps and Putins tuxedo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1trcb/angela_merkel_invites_to_dinnerparty_after_g20/
%
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

Because she heard the drinks were on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1to04/why_did_the_blonde_bring_a_ladder_to_the_bar/
%
I finally quit drinking for good!

Now I only drink for evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1tky9/i_finally_quit_drinking_for_good/
%
Magic mirror

Three ladies walked into a bar. One brunette, one redhead, and one blonde.  They went to the tender and he said:” theres a magic mirror in the bathroom, if you tell the truth in front of it you will walk away with whatever you wish for. If you lie however, you will disappear forever”
The three ladies one by one went to the mirror and gave their “truths”
Brunette: I think im smart!
The brunette walked out with million dollars
Redhead: My dog is my bestie.
The redhead walked out with a ticket for a life time supply of dogfood.
Blonde: I think -
*poof*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1tfej/magic_mirror/
%
Managed to talk a suicidal man down from a window ledge

By shouting
“JUMP!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1t3yp/managed_to_talk_a_suicidal_man_down_from_a_window/
%
Why did the bankrupt tightrope walker retire?

He no longer had outstanding balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1swet/why_did_the_bankrupt_tightrope_walker_retire/
%
How much does the Washington Monument weigh?

A Washing-Ton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1sszf/how_much_does_the_washington_monument_weigh/
%
What's the difference between salmon and the American democracy?

Salmon can be cured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1sq5n/whats_the_difference_between_salmon_and_the/
%
I get a lot of solicitors at my house, salespeople, charity seekers, jehovah's witness, I've seen them all. But today I got someone at my door asking if I eat enough vegetables

I wasn't expecting some sort of spinach inquisition!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1sixp/i_get_a_lot_of_solicitors_at_my_house_salespeople/
%
It must suck to be gay and homeless

You don't even have a closet to come out of!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1sdkt/it_must_suck_to_be_gay_and_homeless/
%
Why was Thranduil's son unhappy as a kid?

Because he was *LEGO-less.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1sbg5/why_was_thranduils_son_unhappy_as_a_kid/
%
Auto Correct

Text to Neighbor:
Hi Fred, this Richard next door.  I've got a confession to make.  I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you face to face.  at least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing this.
The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night.  In fact, probably much more than you know.  I haven't been getting it at home recently and I know that's no excuse but the temptation was just too great.
I can't live with the guilt and hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.  Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.
Regard, Richard.
**Fred's response, feeling very angry and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, shot Richard, killing him.  He then went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa and calmed down.  Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a 2nd text message from Richard which read:......**
"Hi Fred, Richard here again.  Sorry about the typo on my last text.  I expect you figured it out and noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed 'wi-fi' to 'wife'.
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1s3ty/auto_correct/
%
A cheap suit

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.
“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”
“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.
“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only $30.”
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”
“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1s1xj/a_cheap_suit/
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Pun enters a room and kills 10 people

Pun in, ten dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1s0d7/pun_enters_a_room_and_kills_10_people/
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What do you call a drunken sailor?

Hard to Port.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1rq2n/what_do_you_call_a_drunken_sailor/
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Why did the vegan cross the road?

Because the grass is always greener on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1rirk/why_did_the_vegan_cross_the_road/
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My wife and I wanted to follow tradition and give our children respectable names from the Bible...

Our boys Cain, Lucifer, and Judas are truly a blessing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ri5n/my_wife_and_i_wanted_to_follow_tradition_and_give/
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When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.

It always was my achilles elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1rh58/when_i_left_school_i_passed_every_one_of_my_exams/
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A little girl asked her dad why her name was Rose.

Her father tells her, "It's because when you were born, I brought in a bouquet of roses to your mother. Just for fun, I took the end of one and rubbed it across your face, and your mother thought that would be a good name for you." She asks "Is that why my sissy Lily's name is Lily?" Suddenly, her brother comes in and says, "Hey dad, you have to see this!" He tells him "Hang on, Richard, I'm telling your sister something."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1rgih/a_little_girl_asked_her_dad_why_her_name_was_rose/
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What does a disgruntled Mcdonalds employee and side order of fries got in common?

They both came in the meal deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1r4ir/what_does_a_disgruntled_mcdonalds_employee_and/
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3 nuns go to mother superior and say they don’t want to be nuns anymore.

Mother superior says “Ok but you have to go and do something unholy.”
The next day, the first nun goes to mother superior and says “I stole a kids bike!” Mother superior replies “Ok, that is un-holy. Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The second nun goes and says “I slept with a married man!” Mother superior replies, “That is unholy enough. Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The third nun goes up to mother superior and says “Mother superior, Mother superior!”
“Yes?” Replies Mother superior. “What have you done for your unholy act
“I pissed in the holy water!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1r3rm/3_nuns_go_to_mother_superior_and_say_they_dont/
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They say that as a guy you’re attracted to people who are just like your mom

In my experience this is definitely true. I mean, it happens the same way with every girl I date — they let me suck their tits for a while, but never want to fuck me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1r22l/they_say_that_as_a_guy_youre_attracted_to_people/
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I caught my friend having sex with a duck

It was pretty fowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1r1b9/i_caught_my_friend_having_sex_with_a_duck/
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If the average human can walk about 3 mph, and my local corner store is a 1/4 mile away

Why has it taken my dad 15 years to get a pack of cigarettes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1r0xq/if_the_average_human_can_walk_about_3_mph_and_my/
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How did people charge their AirPods before Benjamin Franklin invented electricity?

This isn’t a damn joke, I’m actually asking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1r0v9/how_did_people_charge_their_airpods_before/
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I have 3 children and I have never, nor will I ever vaccinate them

The simple act of it alone is reckless and exposes my children to so many potential dangers. I have no medical training whatsoever and would rather let their doctor do it instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1r0ph/i_have_3_children_and_i_have_never_nor_will_i/
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A week ago my Jeep broke down and I had to scrap it

Today I found out my friend got the exact same model Jeep.
I'm pretty sure its a reincarnation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1qzdh/a_week_ago_my_jeep_broke_down_and_i_had_to_scrap/
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Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.

One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1qqfm/atheism_and_religion_are_two_sides_of_the_same/
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What’s the difference between a dirty waiting area for public transport and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station and one’s a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1qopy/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_waiting_area/
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Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You...". He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a nearby church requesting for the priest. "Father, pls come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery". They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You...". Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: "What About The Two At The Gate? Let's get them". You should see the marathon. The priest almost ran past the church gate shouting: "Please no! We are not dead yet".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1qmgj/two_little_boys_stole_a_big_bag_of_oranges_from_a/
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My Mum gave me a right earful and a lecture about having an imaginary friend, after that she said get your coat: I said why where are we going? She replied.

Church:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1qi6p/my_mum_gave_me_a_right_earful_and_a_lecture_about/
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If you only see one thing in your life it needs to be the Grand Canyon.

It's gorges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1qdqb/if_you_only_see_one_thing_in_your_life_it_needs/
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What do you call a sexually ambiguous camera with emotional issues?

A bi-polaroid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1qdmp/what_do_you_call_a_sexually_ambiguous_camera_with/
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that is a coincidence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1qaol/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call it when your cat can't move?

Purralysis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1q8h5/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_cat_cant_move/
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Fun fact: Humans are deuterostomes, which means that

when they develop in the womb the anus forms before any other opening, which basically means at one point you were nothing but an asshole.
The mods of this subreddit never developed beyond that stage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1q7yg/fun_fact_humans_are_deuterostomes_which_means_that/
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What is the best liquor for watching Formula 1?

Rrrrruuummmmm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1pq6w/what_is_the_best_liquor_for_watching_formula_1/
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I often ask myself questions, such as "Where did we come from?", "Why am I here?", "Where am I going?"

"Am I a terrible Uber driver?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ppzh/i_often_ask_myself_questions_such_as_where_did_we/
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I'm glad I'm good at making musical puns

Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1pmvi/im_glad_im_good_at_making_musical_puns/
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I was so late to the cannibal banquet

They just gave me a cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1plq4/i_was_so_late_to_the_cannibal_banquet/
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1plcq/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant/
%
I was shagging my new computerised sex doll

"Ooh baby, how do you like that inside you baby?"
Bitch replied, "Insufficient data."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1pjkg/i_was_shagging_my_new_computerised_sex_doll/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

## guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ph21/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_took_her/
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What do you call an unvaccinated 2 year old having a tantrum?

A mid-life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1pe1u/what_do_you_call_an_unvaccinated_2_year_old/
%
So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks “can someone pass me the dam fish” on which the priests son replies “that’s the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking fries”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1p9dq/so_a_priest_is_walking_across_the_market_and_he/
%
Son to mother: “mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin.”

Mother: “well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1p6v5/son_to_mother_mom_all_the_kids_in_the_school_are/
%
My friend got his right arm amputated.

Now he only has one left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1p5pq/my_friend_got_his_right_arm_amputated/
%
How gliders fly is kind of a mystery to me...

But I guess they have potential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1p4qt/how_gliders_fly_is_kind_of_a_mystery_to_me/
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Two blind people are fighting

I yell "im supporting the one with the knife!"
They both run away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1p1ei/two_blind_people_are_fighting/
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why don’t they do reverse cowgirl in Alabama.

you don’t turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1oxa1/why_dont_they_do_reverse_cowgirl_in_alabama/
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Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot?

He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1owqv/why_did_the_redneck_get_colored_pencils_before_he/
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Classic #3829 - A guy is waiting at the hospital for his wife to give birth

A guy is waiting in the hospital waiting room, while his wife is in labor. There are 3 other men sitting next to him, also waiting for their wives to give birth.
The doctor comes out and says to the first guy, "Lucky you! Your wife just had twins!"
The guy says,"Wow what a coincidence, I work for Twin Cities Construction."
A little while later the doctor comes out and says to the second guy, "Wow you're super lucky man! You just had triplets!"
The guy says, "Wow what a coincidence, I work for Tri-State Railroads."
The third guy imediately gets up and starts throwing things around and swearing like a pirate. The doctor asks, "What's wrong man?"
The guy replies with, "Awe c'mon man, I work for 7up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ow24/classic_3829_a_guy_is_waiting_at_the_hospital_for/
%
My wife asked why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ouiw/my_wife_asked_why_i_was_speaking_so_softly_at_home/
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My hipster friend drowned...

He tried to walk across the ice before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1osy6/my_hipster_friend_drowned/
%
Did you know Hitler was a prolific track athlete in his younger years?

He was the Fascist guy in Germany!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1onuh/did_you_know_hitler_was_a_prolific_track_athlete/
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I asked my friend how he liked taking care of horses

It's a stable job, he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1oib8/i_asked_my_friend_how_he_liked_taking_care_of/
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Today my company relocated me to their Spain office.

But it’s ok, because nobody expects the Spanish acquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1of7k/today_my_company_relocated_me_to_their_spain/
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Went to see a movie last night which had an overall rating of 3.14

It was pirated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1oeen/went_to_see_a_movie_last_night_which_had_an/
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2 windmills were talking to each other

Windmill 1: what kind of music do you like?
Windmill 2: im just a metal fan really

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1o6cu/2_windmills_were_talking_to_each_other/
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What do you call a frightened bull?

A cow-ard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1o06x/what_do_you_call_a_frightened_bull/
%
The number 1 walks into a bar where counting is banned...

The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1nzyr/the_number_1_walks_into_a_bar_where_counting_is/
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I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we were having for dinner tonight.

She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1nvej/i_asked_my_amputee_daughter_if_she_could_guess/
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I took my date home to meet my parents for the first time and Dad said, “Why? You could do so much better than him!”

I said, “Dad, I’m right here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1nu3p/i_took_my_date_home_to_meet_my_parents_for_the/
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A woman is grieving at her husband's funeral when a man comes and sits next to her...

He says to her "I'm sorry for your lost, do you mind if I say a word?"
The woman says "No, go ahead". The man stands up, clears his throat and says loudly...
"Plethora!"
He sits back down and the woman says to him "Thanks, that means a lot".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1noic/a_woman_is_grieving_at_her_husbands_funeral_when/
%
I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body

Then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1njmm/i_used_to_feel_like_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
%
There is always one thing stopping me from getting a good blowjob

My ribs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1nj2i/there_is_always_one_thing_stopping_me_from/
%
Apparently, carrots are really good for memory.

10 years ago my uncle put one up his ass and I still still remember it vividly to this day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1newu/apparently_carrots_are_really_good_for_memory/
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What kind of bedding can you buy at Walden Pond?

Thoreau pillows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ndu1/what_kind_of_bedding_can_you_buy_at_walden_pond/
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How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ndmg/how_many_buzzfeed_workers_does_it_take_to_turn_on/
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I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ncfu/i_called_my_wife_at_work_and_asked_do_you_ever/
%
My dad went to go fetch my boomerang...

He never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1nc18/my_dad_went_to_go_fetch_my_boomerang/
%
I would post a joke about Buddhism

But I don’t have enough karma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1nbhr/i_would_post_a_joke_about_buddhism/
%
A hospital buys a robot

The robot is used in multiple operations, performing complicated surgeries. One day, it breaks, and the Hospital calls a mechanic. The mechanic looks at the robot, and says, "I know the problem." The hospital staff asks, "What?" In which the mechanic says, "It only operates on batteries."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1nax1/a_hospital_buys_a_robot/
%
A man ironed his four leaf clover

He was pressing his luck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1n56p/a_man_ironed_his_four_leaf_clover/
%
A grumpy old man and his wife . . .

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.  After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.  When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.  By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man.  He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.  The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.  He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1n3k9/a_grumpy_old_man_and_his_wife/
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Three men are kidnapped by an Indian tribe...

The Indians tell the men to go and gather 10 of any kind of the same fruit.
The first man comes back with ten apples, and the Indians say put each of them up your ass or we will kill you. The man puts one, but as he is putting the second one he screams and the Indians kill him.
The second man comes back and has 10 grapes, as he is putting them in, 8.... 9.... then he laughs and all of the grapes fall out.
The first man asks the second man in heaven, you were almost there! Why did you laugh? The second man still chuckling replies
I saw the third man coming back with pineapples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1mxyy/three_men_are_kidnapped_by_an_indian_tribe/
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The truth-talking dog

A man had built great wealth, touring the globe with a truth-talking dog.
A friendly local thought this was too good to be true and paid the $50 entry fee to see for himself.
As he entered, the dog started immediately:
“Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon”
“The square root of nine is three”
“France is in Europe”
The man couldn’t believe his eyes or ears as the dog kept speaking truthful phrases late into the night.
Finally, the dog curled up in the corner and went to sleep, tired from all the speaking.
The local man said to the owner: “a speaking dog is one thing, but a speaking dog that always tells the truth, it’s no wonder you’re making a fortune!”
Just as he finished his sentence, he started to hear a murmur in the corner where the dog was napping.
The dog was still muttering phrases in its sleep! The local man got closer and listened carefully
As the dog was napping, the man could hear it speaking under its breath:
“2 + 2 is 5”
“I’m a pink pussy cat”
“triangles have 4 sides”
The local man turned to the owner in absolute shock, the jig was up!
Only to see the owner holding out an offer of $5,000 in cash and said:
“Why don’t we just let sleeping dogs lie?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1mxuj/the_truthtalking_dog/
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I used to have a nice car and a nice house until my mate introduced me to drugs.

Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1mv7c/i_used_to_have_a_nice_car_and_a_nice_house_until/
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Three years ago, my doctor told me that I was going deaf.

I haven't heard from him since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1mfnf/three_years_ago_my_doctor_told_me_that_i_was/
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What does a microorganism say when they give birth to their sister?

OW! My toe sis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1m7f1/what_does_a_microorganism_say_when_they_give/
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I finally had anal sex!

It was pretty shitty though..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1m72n/i_finally_had_anal_sex/
%
There was this tramp.

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slid over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.
Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."
"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."
"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.
"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."
"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...
... and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"Okay," agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...
up and up...
below him the ship grew smaller...
on and on...
past a solitary albatross...
and still higher...
till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...
and on still further...
/ till the ocean grew dim...
and the earth itself...
began to shrink...
past our moon...
and on...
and Mars...
and on...
higher, and higher...
through the asteroid belt...
and on and on towards the diving board...
past the outer planets, until...
on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...
he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...
and then...
.' '.
. .
. .
he jumped.
.
.
.
.
:
Slowly at first,
:
but speeding up,
:
:
:
faster, and faster,
:
speeding past Pluto,
:
and the other outer planets,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
through the asteroid belt,
past Mars,
and the moon,
faster,
and faster,
faster - ever faster,
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster,
past the albatross,
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL.........
SMASH!
Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most \*STUPENDOUS\* piece of diving I have ever seen."
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see...
I'm a just poor tramp...
so you must understand...
I've been through many hard ships in my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1m6jk/there_was_this_tramp/
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Two young lads break into a distillery...

One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?”
The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1m6c5/two_young_lads_break_into_a_distillery/
%
What happens when you put Nutella on salmon?

You get *salmonella*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1m64p/what_happens_when_you_put_nutella_on_salmon/
%
Why has the Pillsbury Doughboy never had sex?

Because all of his partners are afraid they'll get a yeast infection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1m5b7/why_has_the_pillsbury_doughboy_never_had_sex/
%
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost?
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I just switched the heads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1m4m4/a_woman_goes_into_a_funeral_home_to_make/
%
Why doesn’t Snow White have any children?

She’s still waiting for her prince to cum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1lymf/why_doesnt_snow_white_have_any_children/
%
I asked my girlfriend if I'm the only one she's been with

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1lwx3/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_im_the_only_one_shes/
%
I was so late to the cannibal banquet

They just gave me a cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1lte5/i_was_so_late_to_the_cannibal_banquet/
%
A girl goes into her father's study, "Daddy, why am I named rose?"

"Because the day you were born a rose petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek."
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. "Daddy, why am I named Lily?"
"Because the day you were born a lily petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek."
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. "Daddy, why am I named Daisy?"
"Because the day you were--"
"HUAAAARWAWAWAAAAAA"
"SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK I'M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ls9n/a_girl_goes_into_her_fathers_study_daddy_why_am_i/
%
Bananas ...

George, a farmer out of Iowa, decides to visit the Big Apple.
Taken in by all the wonders of a big city, in his wandering comes across a dude holding bananas to his ears.
He stops him and ask: "Sir, why are you holding bananas to your ears?"
The dude replies: "To keep the alligators at bay!"
George looks around and says: "But there are no alligators here in the Big Apple."
The dude replies: "See, it works!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1lpl5/bananas/
%
Pessimist

Friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking.
The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.
They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.
The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"
The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1lmrq/pessimist/
%
A huge bouquet of red roses arrives at the office on Friday.

The brunette says excitedly to her blonde friend:
"They're from my boyfriend: you know what this means? I'll be spending this entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air!"
The blonde says: "Don't you have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1lk4i/a_huge_bouquet_of_red_roses_arrives_at_the_office/
%
What do you call an unvaccinated 3 year old having a temper tantrum?

A mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1lhr7/what_do_you_call_an_unvaccinated_3_year_old/
%
Last night I was out for a few drinks.

One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.
Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ldyh/last_night_i_was_out_for_a_few_drinks/
%
A nurse goes into the doctors office and says, ‘Doc, I’ve got a patient who’s waiting in reception. He says he’s starting to turn invisible. What do you want me to tell him?’

Doc: ‘Tell him I can’t see him right now.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1l55w/a_nurse_goes_into_the_doctors_office_and_says_doc/
%
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other...

You drive, I'll man the guns!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1kzsh/two_fish_in_a_tank_one_says_to_the_other/
%
Until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes

You can't call yourself a shoe-thief

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1knt6/until_youve_walked_a_mile_in_someone_elses_shoes/
%
"Won't you kiss me, doctor", asks a beautiful woman.

"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please, just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1keqp/wont_you_kiss_me_doctor_asks_a_beautiful_woman/
%
Hey, do you want to play the rape game?

"no"
That's the spirit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1kb5r/hey_do_you_want_to_play_the_rape_game/
%
Cigarettes are like squirrels,

they're completely harmless until you light them up and put them in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1kamm/cigarettes_are_like_squirrels/
%
What's the difference between salmon and cancer?

Salmon can be cured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1k9tz/whats_the_difference_between_salmon_and_cancer/
%
My mom said she'd beat me if I ever went back to hook-up with my ex.

Out of spite, I went back to hook-up with my ex anyway, but alas -- she really had beaten me to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1k8o9/my_mom_said_shed_beat_me_if_i_ever_went_back_to/
%
If you imagine Earth to be like the human body, then the British are like the large intestine,

also known as the colon. The colon is the part of the body that turns things into shit... which is what the British do to other people's countries.
That's why when the British take over a country, it's called colonization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1k6j5/if_you_imagine_earth_to_be_like_the_human_body/
%
I found my first grey pubic hair today.

However, i didn't freak out about it like the other people in the elevator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1k3k2/i_found_my_first_grey_pubic_hair_today/
%
Little Johnny

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1k2yg/little_johnny/
%
It's a little known fact that Erwin Schroedinger was wanted for animal cruelty.

Dead and alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1jyxw/its_a_little_known_fact_that_erwin_schroedinger/
%
$5 is 5$

A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says "Plane Rides $5"
The old woman looks at her husband and says "Earl, let's go up in the plane"
Earl replies "Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time."
And on they went.
Fast forward 3 weeks, same couple same plane.
"Oh Earl let's do the plane ride today "
Earl replies "Ethel $5 is $5 , maybe next time."
The pilot interrupts and says "I've seen you two every day for 3 weeks and its always the same so I'll make you a deal, if you and your wife can go the whole ride without making a sound, I'll give you the ride for free."
Earl looks at Ethel and says "Deal"
And off they went.
They're up in the plane and haven't made a sound so the pilot starts pulling out every trick in the book, loops and barrel rolls, nose dives and stalls and still the two dont make a sound.
Defeated the pilot lands and everyone gets out.
"Man I thought for sure I'd have you holler'n doing all them flips and such"
Earl replies "Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out but $5 is $5".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1jwp8/5_is_5/
%
Some lines are meant to be crossed.

I was telling a telephone joke the other day to my asian friend. I got as far as "Ring Ring" before he said, "You keep my famiry out of this".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1juql/some_lines_are_meant_to_be_crossed/
%
#28736. A guy goes into a lawyer’s office...

... and asks the lawyer, “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
The lawyer responds: “I charge AU$1,000 to answer three questions.”
“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1jujr/28736_a_guy_goes_into_a_lawyers_office/
%
Choosing a new password

Choose a new password:
potato
Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.
boiled potato
Sorry, password must contain at least one number.
1 boiled potato
Sorry, password cannot contain spaces.
50fuckingboiledpotatoes
Sorry, password must contain capital letters.
50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes
Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.
IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.
NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account. Please try again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1jp49/choosing_a_new_password/
%
What do you call Reddit without an R?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1jopr/what_do_you_call_reddit_without_an_r/
%
When my mom remarried, life got better, but the Dad Jokes got even worse...

He always takes puns one step father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1jm23/when_my_mom_remarried_life_got_better_but_the_dad/
%
I injured my foot in a lawnmower accident and now my wife is leaving me.

I wish I had known she was lack toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1jlnc/i_injured_my_foot_in_a_lawnmower_accident_and_now/
%
My new thesaurus is terrible

Not only that, it’s also terrible.
Sorry for the lame joke but I thought I’d get that in before Father’s Day is over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1jhxv/my_new_thesaurus_is_terrible/
%
Two nuns are riding their bikes through some old Roman streets.

“I’ve never come this way before," the younger nun says.
The older one replies, "It's the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1jfwo/two_nuns_are_riding_their_bikes_through_some_old/
%
What exactly separates man from animal?

Divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1j88h/what_exactly_separates_man_from_animal/
%
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1j511/while_riding_my_harley_i_swerved_to_avoid_hitting/
%
Two drums and cymbal fall off a cliff.

Ba-dum tsss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1is45/two_drums_and_cymbal_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
My Boyfriend poked me in the eyes...

...So I stopped seeing him for a little while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ir3t/my_boyfriend_poked_me_in_the_eyes/
%
So a latino man and his friend decide to go to a baseball game together.

He made it a point to be there very early so that they wouldn't miss the singing of the star-spangled banner as it was his favorite part of any sporting event.
As they're waiting for it to be sung his friend asks him out of curiosity, "hey man, why is this your favorite part of the game?" And he replies "well, you see, it's because they're singing about me! 'Jose can you see...'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1iq24/so_a_latino_man_and_his_friend_decide_to_go_to_a/
%
A ventriloquist was performing at a club.

With his dummy on his knee,he begins his routine with a series of dumb blonde jokes.Suddenly,a blonde stands up and starts shouting,"I've heard enough of these dumb blonde jokes!What makes you think you can stereotype women like that?What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with there worth as a human being?I AM SO SICK OF DUMB BLONDE JOKES."
Embarrassed,the ventriloquist begins to apologise but the blonde stops him and says,"You stay out of this mister!I'm talking to that little shit sitting on your knee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ipyw/a_ventriloquist_was_performing_at_a_club/
%
I used to be a dwarf

But I grew out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ip5i/i_used_to_be_a_dwarf/
%
Why cant you hear pterodactyl's pee?

Cause they fucking dead, stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1iot6/why_cant_you_hear_pterodactyls_pee/
%
“Boss can I have a week off around Christmas?”

“It’s May...”
“Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1inr5/boss_can_i_have_a_week_off_around_christmas/
%
Fresh recruits are lined up at bootcamp waiting to meet their new Seargent.

Out walked this absolut unit of a marine carrying a big black duffel bag. He sets the bag down and yells,
“Do you know what it means to be a marine! You gotta be tough! Do you wanna see what tough is?!"
And with that he unzips the bag and pulls out an alligator. While he's wrestling with the alligator he yanks down his pants, jams 2 fingers in the alligators eyes and when it opens its mouth he jams it on his dick. He starts flailing the alligator around while its jammed on his crotch screaming,
"NOW THIS IS TOUGH! THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MARINE!"
He jams his fingers back in the gators eyes, yanks it off his dick and shoves it back in the bag. He looks out over the recruits and asks,
"Any of you think your tough enough to try that?"
A little voice in the back squeaks,
"I will, but only if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1inke/fresh_recruits_are_lined_up_at_bootcamp_waiting/
%
Donald Trump claimed his trips to Mar-a Lago didn’t cost the taxpayers anything.

He paid for them with Frequent Liar miles.
(Thanks, father in law)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ieku/donald_trump_claimed_his_trips_to_mara_lago_didnt/
%
When does a Dad joke become a Dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1idlf/when_does_a_dad_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
Breaking News: A cure for procrastination has been discovered.

I’ll probably take it tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1id8b/breaking_news_a_cure_for_procrastination_has_been/
%
How is my mother-in-law similar to an anti-vaxx video on Youtube?

They both have a lot of negative comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ibsi/how_is_my_motherinlaw_similar_to_an_antivaxx/
%
I really hope Death is a woman...

...because if that’s the case I know she’ll never come for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ibi8/i_really_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
An old man died on the golf course...

He lost by one stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1i80k/an_old_man_died_on_the_golf_course/
%
British Soldiers in WW2 are Looking for German Spies in London.

Near Downing Street they stop a beautiful tall blonde women, carrying a large Bottle labeled "D2O" and ask her:
"Terribly Sorry to bother you my Dear, but we are looking for German Spies. Have you seen any?"
The Womens expression changed displaying the tell tell signs of Terror and Fear.
She answered: "uhm....Nein?"
The Soldier shouted: "Nine! So many, its worse then we thought!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1i66f/british_soldiers_in_ww2_are_looking_for_german/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are to be killed and skinned, and that their skins will be made into canoes to float on the pool as a permanent reminder, but in one last act of mercy, he will grant them one last request, so the Frenchman pipes up, "I would like a knife, Si vous plait", so he is brought a knife and he plunges it into his chest, "you savages will never kill me! Vive la France!" and he dies. The Englishman is asked what he wants and also requests a knife, and also plunges it into his chest, "you will never kill me! God save the Queen!". The natives then turn to the Australian, and surprisingly he requests a fork, they oblige and hand him on, and he starts stabbing himself all over, the natives are looking in surprise and he looks at them and says, "well there goes your fuckin' canoe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1i4m9/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_an_australian_are/
%
What happened in Hong Kong this week?

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1i2lf/what_happened_in_hong_kong_this_week/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side of his body cut off?

Don't worry, he's alright now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1i20r/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_his_entire/
%
Where did the mackerel get the references for its thesis?

From the fish sauce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ht09/where_did_the_mackerel_get_the_references_for_its/
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A guy walks into a bar wearing a head to toe radiation suit

The bartender says “I’ve heard of clothing that protects you from the elements, but this is outrageous”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1hsr8/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_wearing_a_head_to_toe/
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Kinky [long]

A handsome young man sits at the bar, head down looking alone and dejected. A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down, also looking depressed.  He stirs up his courage and walks over.
"What's a beautiful woman like you doing in a place like this?" he stammers.
Weary, she replies, "I just got through with a horrible divorce.  We fought over everything.  It was a bloodbath.  I just want to forget my sorrows.  Barkeep!  Another shot!"
The man looks at her, and sighs.
"I can relate.  I just got through with a divorce myself.  We fought over everything.  It was brutal.  So if I can be so bold, what was the problem? I mean, you're gorgeous!  what could he have possibly been unhappy with?!?"
She looks up coyly, "Well, if I'm going to be honest, I was just too kinky for him.  He just couldn't hang!"
The man perks up "Really?! that's the exact same problem I had with my wife!  She was so conventional, we just couldn't connect!"
The girl, amused, looks him over and casually says "Well, shit, why didn't you say so earlier?  Let's go back to my place!"
Fast forward and the couple are back at her apartment, feverishly making out.  She says to the young fella "Hang tight while I go slip into something more comfortable" and disappears into her walk in closet.
10 minutes later she emerges, clad in a full latex catsuit.  A whip in one hand, anal beads and ball gag in the other, screaming "Let's get it on!!"
She looks over to see the man is laying back on her bed, pants down, obviously completed and relaxed smoking a cigarette looking fully satisfied.
She stammers "What the fuck, you call that kinky?!?"
He replies: "Look lady, I don't know what you call kinky but while you where in that closet I fucked your cat and shit in your purse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1hsqu/kinky_long/
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My girlfriend finnally agreed to let me have a threesome. She even set it up!

I'm just not too thrilled it's with me, and two other guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1hs87/my_girlfriend_finnally_agreed_to_let_me_have_a/
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Heard about the train that was in a hurry to deliver coffee? What was it called?

Expresso!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1hqcv/heard_about_the_train_that_was_in_a_hurry_to/
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Courtesy of my nine-year-old son

A detective walks into a seafood restaurant and sits down. He orders a meal and starts eating, but suddenly stops halfway through. The waiter notices this and hurries over to make sure everything is OK. The detective narrows his eyes and says, "Something tastes fishy here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1hop1/courtesy_of_my_nineyearold_son/
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Once there was a young man whose friends made fun of him for not being good at anything.

As time passes by, the young man loses self esteem and spends more and more nights crying in bed.
But suddenly a geenie appears and grants him
one wish.
The man has the perfect wish right away; and tells the geenie that he wished to be able to walk on water.
The next morning, he wants to try his new ability and visits the local swimming pool.
And indeed, it works, the man is mind blown. He’s so happy and thankful to finally have a real ability. His friends won’t no longer make fun of him.
But then, one of his friends swims by and spots him there standing on the water surface.
He bursts out laughing and shouts:
-Look at him, swimming he can’t either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1hmij/once_there_was_a_young_man_whose_friends_made_fun/
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Why do narcissists take such blurry photos?

They can only focus on themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1hhgj/why_do_narcissists_take_such_blurry_photos/
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A pastor is headed to Pittsburgh

for a convention with his associate preacher and they decide to take the train.
At the station, the pastor tells his associate to have a seat while he purchases their tickets.
After standing in line at the ticket counter for an extended period of time, he's finally next in line to purchase the tickets for himself and his associate preacher when he's greeted by an absolute bombshell of a woman working at the ticket counter.
Being a man of God, he tried to avert his gaze from the stunning sight of her voluptuous bosom busting through her bright red, low cut top, only to be stunned again by her beautiful long brown hair, bright green eyes, and lipstick that reminded him of the low cut top which was barely containing her busty chest.
Trying not to linger too long he attempts to regain his composure, but to no avail as his eyes drift back towards her cleavage as he mumbles, "I'll take two pickets to Tittspurgh, please."
As soon as the words left his mouth he realized how grievous error and fervently apologized, thoroughly flustered.
The gorgeous woman blushed and assured him that all was forgiven as the pastor quickly strode back to his associate and sat down, utterly embarrassed by the whole ordeal.
A moment later, a stranger sat down next to him and introduced himself as the man who has been behind him in line, and had witnessed the whole thing.
"Don't worry father," the man chimed, "everyone misspeaks every now and again. It's nothing to be so embarrassed about. Even just this morning I had a similar incident with my wife."
Looking a little less ashamed after hearing the stranger's kind words of encouragement, the pastor asks, "Well, tell me my son, what happened with your wife this morning?"
"It was the darnedest thing," the stranger said, "we sat down with our two boys to have breakfast this morning, and what I meant to say was, 'Honey, could you please pass the strawberry jam?' but what actually came out of my mouth was, 'You dirty bitch! You've ruined my life!'"
(This is my dad's favorite joke. Happy father's day, Dad!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1hdv0/a_pastor_is_headed_to_pittsburgh/
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[Father’s day] It’s great to wake up to the laughter of infants...

...Except if it’s the dead of night and you don’t have children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1hdkz/fathers_day_its_great_to_wake_up_to_the_laughter/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It dosen't last as long if you're fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1h8hf/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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How does a woman greet Bill Cosby on their 2nd date?

"Nice to meet you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1h69t/how_does_a_woman_greet_bill_cosby_on_their_2nd/
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I like my slaves like I like my coffee

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1h408/i_like_my_slaves_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]

A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess
He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him
P - What sins have you done, son?
S - I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her
P - That's a big sin but I'll forgive you, son
S - Thank you father but i have sinned another time, i went to my mother in law to send her something and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her as well
P - That's a second time so that's worse but I'll forgive you my son
S - Thank you very much father but i sinned another time, I finished work and before going out it started raining, the secretary and I got stuck in the building, things heated up and i fucked her as well!
The priest checks out of the window and sees that it had started to get cloudy and he says
P - You better get the fuck out right fucking now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1grgz/confessing_your_sins_nsfw_i_guess/
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Two friends are having a chat in a bar.

Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: sure.
Christen: Thank you.
Kris: Anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1gn8f/two_friends_are_having_a_chat_in_a_bar/
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Three spies, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, were captured in the alps and sentenced to death by firing squad.

First they brought out the brunette and stood them against the wall.
"Ready," called the sergeant, "aim..."
"Avalanche!" yelled the brunette.
As the soldiers ran for cover the brunette escaped.
Next they brought out the redhead and stood them against the wall.
"Ready," called the sergeant, "aim..."
"Flood!" yelled the redhead.
As the soldiers ran for cover the redhead escaped.
Finally, they brought out the blonde and stood them against the wall.
"Ready," called the sergeant, "aim..."
"Fire!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1gm3i/three_spies_a_brunette_a_redhead_and_a_blonde/
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Two drunks are talking in a bar...

The first one says "You know what's weird about city hall? When they built it they didn't take into account wind loads. We get so much wind here the top floor rocks back and forth 20 feet"
The second one says "yeah, but because of that wind you can jump off the roof of the building across the street, and the wind will catch you and blow you right back to the top."
"Bullshit! You're having me on."
"It's true!"
They argue back and forth for a while until the second drunk slams down his glass and says "I'll prove it."
They stagger across the street to the other building and climb the stairs to the roof.
Second drunk: "Watch!"
Before the first drunk can stop him, he jumps off the roof. He plunges several storeys but then - swoosh! - he soars right back up and drops gracefully back onto the roof.
The first drunk stand there, his mouth hanging open in amazement. "I've gotta try this!" He leaps off the building,plunges, and... splat.
The second drunk shrugs and goes back to the bar.
As he walks in alone, with a crowd gathering around the body of the first drunk across the street, the bartender looks at him and shakes his head.
"You make a mean drunk, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1glzv/two_drunks_are_talking_in_a_bar/
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There's a hole in the nudist camp's wall

...the police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1gl9g/theres_a_hole_in_the_nudist_camps_wall/
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What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?

.
.
.
You just push them aside and keep on eating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1gcvg/what_do_parsley_and_pubic_hair_have_in_common/
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Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.
In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited to carry out this command the operation. However, before they could seal Lucifer away, they first had to find him.
Suddenly struck with an idea, the Pope went to gather the world's most renowned authors and artists. When they were assembled, the Pope set them to work on creating the most elaborate work of fiction in history. Every corner of this work was written and illustrated, every blade of grass meticulously described out in words and brush strokes.
After years of continuous work, the project was finally compete. Bound together into a million page book, the tome described a universe in more detail than real life could ever manage. The book was placed on an alter, and with the preparations compete, the ritual began.
To everyone's amazement, as soon as Holy Light stuck the book, Lucifer himself appeared. Like a shadow in the light, his presence radiated evil. But it was too late for him, the light closed in onto the book, and Lucifer was bound within it, never to escape.
There was silence for a minute, then everyone erupted into cheers. Amidst the celebration, someone asked the Pope how he knew where to find Satan. The room grew quiet as the generals and Cardinals awaited his answer. "Well", he began, "It was really quite simple."
"Everyone knows the devil's in the details."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1gcht/fed_up_with_gods_creations_lucifer_decides_to/
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A teenage potato brings home her boyfriend to meet her parents.....

“So, what do you do for work” says the inquisitive father potato.
“Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster. “
The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.
“Why did you do that Daddy”asks the distraught girl potato.
“I’m not having my daughter hanging around with a commentator” replied the father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1gaba/a_teenage_potato_brings_home_her_boyfriend_to/
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After spending time with my Father on sunday today, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need a day to myself.

I’ll call it sonday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1g9l3/after_spending_time_with_my_father_on_sunday/
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Persident Trump was informed today of the death of 4 Brazilian soldiers in Afganistan...

the advisor concluded that the men were participating in a joint military exercise aganist a ISIS stronghold, when the deaths occured.
He was hardly allowed to finish when the Presidents face fell grim. His usual healthy, orange color was replaced with a pale, sickly white. He clutched his chest with his right hand and visibly had stopped breathing. He asked to be excused as he quickly exited the room.
Confused and conserned about this abrupt reaction, aids and interns were sent to catch up to him. Mr. Trump was found standing alone in a hallway by a White House staff member.
'Mr. President, sir; are you alright?' Trump responded; 'listen up, I don't have time for games or any mumbo-jumbo. You tell me right now; exactly how many is a Brazilian?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1g8jk/persident_trump_was_informed_today_of_the_death/
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Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

Because he hated Capitalism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1g858/why_did_stalin_only_write_in_lowercase/
%
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1g73c/youve_all_heard_of_the_air_forces/
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When I was younger I felt like a man in a woman's body.

Then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1g6se/when_i_was_younger_i_felt_like_a_man_in_a_womans/
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Last night I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home with me.

She was pissed when I walked away with her cardboard box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1g0th/last_night_i_asked_a_homeless_girl_if_i_could/
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The 4 year old and the 7 year old

There was two brothers. One was 4 and one was 7. One night the older brother said to the younger one "I believe that we are old enough to swear now. In The morning we will both say a swear word to mum. Ill go first then you do it." The little brother agreed to this.
The next morning the mom asked the 7 year-old what he wanted for breakfast. He said " I'll just have some cornflakes you bitch" the mum slapped him and asked the 4 year old what he wanted. He replied with "I don't know but i'm not having the fucking cornflakes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1fzzm/the_4_year_old_and_the_7_year_old/
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My gay friend is terrible at trivia.

He just can’t keep his facts straight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1fz8p/my_gay_friend_is_terrible_at_trivia/
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Anyone else tired of seeing the same joke over and over again?

The next election can’t come quick enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1fynf/anyone_else_tired_of_seeing_the_same_joke_over/
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There is 3 great things about having dementia:

1. You get to hide your own Easter eggs
2. You meet new people every day
And
3. You get to hide your own Easter eggs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ftf7/there_is_3_great_things_about_having_dementia/
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Bill went to see his doctor...

Bill went to see his doctor and nervously asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.  The doctor reassured him, "In over 20 years I haven't laughed at a single patient because I always remain thoroughly professional."  With that Bill dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.  The doctor just couldn't help himself and burst into uncontrollable laughter before composing himself and saying, "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me. I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"  Bill said, "It's swollen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1fq87/bill_went_to_see_his_doctor/
%
My wife won't like it

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1fpxd/my_wife_wont_like_it/
%
I watched a documentary on mathematical functions last night, but was really disappointed.

The plot line was predictable. The special f(x) was awful too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1fm84/i_watched_a_documentary_on_mathematical_functions/
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I went to buy an assault rifle today

Astonished by the price, I asked the clerk:
"Do I get a student discount?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1fj5o/i_went_to_buy_an_assault_rifle_today/
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What did the sadist do to the masochist?

Nothing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1fiu3/what_did_the_sadist_do_to_the_masochist/
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I remember when they first told me about pangea.....

It was a groundbreaking discovery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1fhsv/i_remember_when_they_first_told_me_about_pangea/
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I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties.

My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is:
She bought me some Viagra;
And I've bought her a treadmill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ff51/im_about_three_years_into_my_relationship_now_and/
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A man woke up from a coma 10 years later surrounded by his friends and family

Man: When did I get friends?
Friend 1: Turns our you weren’t such a bad guy when you were unconscious, and unable to speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1feqn/a_man_woke_up_from_a_coma_10_years_later/
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Why can’t you use ‘Beef Stew’ as a password?

Because it’s not stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1faks/why_cant_you_use_beef_stew_as_a_password/
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When does a joke become a 'Dad joke?'

When it becomes aparent!
Happy Father's Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1f950/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.”
“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1f7qj/a_man_is_driving_home_from_work_when_his_wife/
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Did you know French fries aren't cooked in France?

They're cooked in Greece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1f7ko/did_you_know_french_fries_arent_cooked_in_france/
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When Moses made it to the Red Sea he screamed 'God damnit'

That's how he was able to cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1f71f/when_moses_made_it_to_the_red_sea_he_screamed_god/
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What do you call a parasite that keeps looking over its' shoulder?

A nervous tick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1f313/what_do_you_call_a_parasite_that_keeps_looking/
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A guy gets arrested

Apparently he's been selling selling pills that were supposed to grant eternal youth.
Further investigation of this man's history showed that he's been already arrested on multiple occasions in years 1794, 1859 and 1928.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1f2te/a_guy_gets_arrested/
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Shoot your shot they said. You'll be okay they said.

I got charged with attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ey2z/shoot_your_shot_they_said_youll_be_okay_they_said/
%
Why did Hitler kill himself?

He saw his gas bills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1eun9/why_did_hitler_kill_himself/
%
What happens when you use a pay toilet in France?

Euro-pee'n

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1eted/what_happens_when_you_use_a_pay_toilet_in_france/
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Did you hear about the citrus embezzling scandal?

They were liming their pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1es9s/did_you_hear_about_the_citrus_embezzling_scandal/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline become a parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1eova/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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Two windmills are in a field

The first turns to the second and says, "What kind of music do you like?"
The second says, "Well I'm a giant metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1eo3v/two_windmills_are_in_a_field/
%
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ek8l/last_night_i_had_a_dream_that_i_was_a_muffler/
%
What did the man with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.
Just kidding, he hasn't opened his present yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1eiv2/what_did_the_man_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
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3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest

The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.”
The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood. “You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I sucked everybody’s blood dry!”
The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later, his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood. “Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother.
“Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire.
“Yeah?” Replied the other brothers,
“I didn’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1eg8e/3_vampire_brothers_want_to_see_who_is_the/
%
My trans child can’t see me.

It’s probably because I’m transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1efws/my_trans_child_cant_see_me/
%
What do you call a Native American nymphomaniac?

Spread Eagle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ebpc/what_do_you_call_a_native_american_nymphomaniac/
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The difference between men and women

A man applies for a job with the FBI.
The interviewer says: "Everything looks good, we just have one test to prove that you'll take on any task we ask of you."
He hands the man a semi-automatic handgun.
"Through that door, your wife is tied to a chair. I need you to go in there and shoot her in the back of the head."
Reluctantly, the man goes in and closes the door. A few moments later, he comes back.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't do it." he says and they let him and his wife leave.
A woman applies for the same job and is told the same thing. Her husband is tied to a chair in the next room.
She gets up and walks through the door.
The interviewer hears several gunshots and the some heavy grunting from the woman. She comes out of the room, covered in blood.
"This gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1e77x/the_difference_between_men_and_women/
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Just had an insurance cold caller on the phone.

Told him I had had an accident and broke a leg, but I wasn't sure it's fixable.
He sounded more excited than me when he said I could get upwards of £20k in compensation, and he's sending me the forms.
Not bad seeing as I paid £15 for that table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1e44w/just_had_an_insurance_cold_caller_on_the_phone/
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Interviewer- why do you think we should hire you as a reverse psychologist?

Me: you shouldn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1dz6j/interviewer_why_do_you_think_we_should_hire_you/
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Why did the ckicken kill himself?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1dz00/why_did_the_ckicken_kill_himself/
%
I wonder if my Thai girlfriend has a penis?

Something inside tells me "yes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1dulo/i_wonder_if_my_thai_girlfriend_has_a_penis/
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A man and his wife were going out for the evening.

A man and his wife were going out for the evening and the last thing they did was let the cat out. As they were going to the taxi, the cat went back inside. The husband ran inside to get him while the wife waited in the car. Not wanting it to be known that the house would be empty to the taxi driver the wife said, “My husband just went inside to say goodbye to my mother.” The husband came back outside and said, “Sorry I took so long! The stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1dpxh/a_man_and_his_wife_were_going_out_for_the_evening/
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What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1dp0l/whats_the_difference_between_a_genealogist_and_a/
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What do you call a snowman with no nose?

A carra-plegic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1dn8v/what_do_you_call_a_snowman_with_no_nose/
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What's a train's favorite Star Wars character?

Choochoobacca

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1dl5t/whats_a_trains_favorite_star_wars_character/
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Two nurses are working at a children's hospital.

While they are checking on their patients, out of nowhere a man wearing doctor's clothing and sporting long hair and a beard shuffles into the ward. Without saying anything to the nurses, he moves around the room, healing all the kids with a few words and hand gestures. He then just as quickly leaves. As he passes by the nurses, they notice that in addition to scrubs, the mystery man is also wearing beach sandals.
One nurse says to the other, "What the heck? Was that... Jesus?"
The second nurse replies, "Yeah, I think so. You know, I didn't recognize him at first because he wasn't wearing his usual clothes."
The first nurse affirms, "He was blessing in disguise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1dkju/two_nurses_are_working_at_a_childrens_hospital/
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar

The bartender says, sorry we don’t serve food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1djqx/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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A couple is running a bit low on cash, so the wife decides to become a prostitute.

The next morning, she announces that she got $101.
"Who gave you one dollar, honey?" the husband asks.
"Sweetie, they all did!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1dj2m/a_couple_is_running_a_bit_low_on_cash_so_the_wife/
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A guy walks into a bar. There's a huge jar of cash behind the bartender...

Guy asks, "What's with the jar?"
Bartender says, "Well, all the regulars have a bit of a challenge going. First, you throw a hundred bucks in the jar to ante up. Then you have to down five bottles of tequila within' ten minutes. Then you have to go out the back door. Across the street to the left is a junkyard. There's the meanest, toughest, most vile junk yard dog you've ever seen. He's got a rotten tooth. Yank that tooth out and bring it back. Finally, upstairs, behind the last door on the right is the ugliest, meanest, oldest whore in the entire country. She hasn't had a bath in 8 years. Flip her over and fuck her in the ass! Do all that, and you win this jar of money. There's over $18,000 from suckers who have tried and failed."
"I'm gonna give it a shot," the stranger says. He tosses a hundred dollar bill in the jar. The bartender lines up five bottles of tequila. He chugs them all within three minutes. Then he charges out the back door, staggering and knocking over chairs and tables as he goes.
The men in the bar hear all kinds of snarling, then yelping and howling. Five minutes later, the dude bursts in the back door again.
"Alright! Point me toward that old lady with the bum tooth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1deuc/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_theres_a_huge_jar_of_cash/
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I ate a clock yesterday

It was time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1d9k5/i_ate_a_clock_yesterday/
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My Wife Says I Look Like A Young Adolf Hitler...

Guess Im Just NotSee-ing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1d5n6/my_wife_says_i_look_like_a_young_adolf_hitler/
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The Bulgarian Train Conductor

Most kids want to become a firefighter or astronaut when they’re older. This man, however, really wanted to become a train conductor. Unfortunately, he gets the job and he loves it. But one particular day, he’s enjoying his job a little too much. He’s driving too fast and accidentally derails the train, killing a passenger!
Bulgaria takes him to court and they find him guilty, sentencing him to death by electrical chair. They ask for his last words and his last meal. He didn’t have much to say, but he did ask for one banana. The executioner, surprised, gave him his banana and sat him down. He pulls the lever, sparks fly and smoke fills the room, and as it clears, he’s still sitting there..
Now, at the time Bulgaria had this superstition: if someone lives their death sentence, it has to be a sign from God. He gets a second chance and he’s back to driving trains.
He’s happy as can be, celebrating his life and things going back to normal. He had a few drinks on the job, derails and kills 2 passengers this time. He goes back to court, same deal, found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. They ask for his last words, and once again he doesn’t have anything to say, but asks for 2 bananas this time. Now feeling a bit suspicious, they give him his bananas anyway. Flip the lever, smoke fills the room and sparks fly.. and to their amazement, he’s still sitting there.
Third times the charm right? Well, I guess this guy doesn’t learn his lessons. As you might’ve guessed, he killed 3 this time. The court is fed up with the guy, the people are outraged. “No more of this, screw the court system, screw your last words and your last bananas.” The executioner tells him while cranking up the voltage. He flips the switch, and after the smoke settles, he’s STILL sitting there.
They’re dumbfounded, the nation is in shock (hehe). When they ask him how he’s doing it he replies, “well, the bananas didn’t have anything to do with it... I’m just a bad conductor!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1d466/the_bulgarian_train_conductor/
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I always get told its neither the time nor the place for cracking really cheesy puns at work

Now I'm not sure about the time but I guess this is as gouda place as any....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1d29d/i_always_get_told_its_neither_the_time_nor_the/
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I just wanna wish a happy father's day...

To all you mother fuckers out there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ctkj/i_just_wanna_wish_a_happy_fathers_day/
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Most people know today as Father's Day but I...

know it as Sonday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1csdz/most_people_know_today_as_fathers_day_but_i/
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I hate russian dolls

they are so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1cqbq/i_hate_russian_dolls/
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Everytime I see someone sitting on an exercise ball at work, I always want to stab them.

The person, not the ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1cqaw/everytime_i_see_someone_sitting_on_an_exercise/
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My wife and I agreed to stop smoking so now we only have a cigarette after sex.

I haven't had a cigarette in over a year but now she's up to 3 packs a day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1cqaf/my_wife_and_i_agreed_to_stop_smoking_so_now_we/
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Every girl I take home instantly sounds like an angry old man when I show them my house.

"Bloody kids"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1cndr/every_girl_i_take_home_instantly_sounds_like_an/
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Its a myth that people dont kiss in elementary school, i kissed loads of girls

I miss being a teacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1cmht/its_a_myth_that_people_dont_kiss_in_elementary/
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I like telling smokers that smoking kills

Not only does it make me feel morally superior, but I also like seeing the surprised look on their face as I stab them in the stomach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1clkz/i_like_telling_smokers_that_smoking_kills/
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I'm wishing everyone a happy Father's Day.

Hi I'm-wishing-everyone-a-happy-Father's-Day, I'm Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ci4r/im_wishing_everyone_a_happy_fathers_day/
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French fries aren't cooked in France...

They're cooked in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ch0a/french_fries_arent_cooked_in_france/
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Kid 1: What does quar-an-tine mean?

Kid 2: Dunno let's ask the guy inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1cb1j/kid_1_what_does_quarantine_mean/
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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1c8jx/a_professor_a_ceo_and_a_janitor_are_in_a_forest/
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A husband asks: "Am I the only one you've been with?"

To which his wife replies:
"Yes, all the others were nines and tens."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1c7bp/a_husband_asks_am_i_the_only_one_youve_been_with/
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My gay friend is horrible at telling jokes..

..... can't keep a straight face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1c6y5/my_gay_friend_is_horrible_at_telling_jokes/
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My girlfriend and I just finished having sex...

I came on her stomach and in her belly button. She looked up and said “it’s a kiddie pool”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1c3on/my_girlfriend_and_i_just_finished_having_sex/
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#2537: Do you have a vagina?

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.
Man: Do you have a vagina?
Woman slams the door in disgust
The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina?
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again".
The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this"
The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? "
The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1byen/2537_do_you_have_a_vagina/
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What kind of printer do pigs use?

An oinkjet printer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1bxra/what_kind_of_printer_do_pigs_use/
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Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1bwpv/prosthetic_breasts_were_changed_to_plastic/
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Three rednecks are drinking beer at a bar. After a few drinks they start talking about their wives.

The first redneck says, "My wife’s so damn stupid… the other day she bought a motorcycle helmet and we don’t even have a bike."
The second redneck says, "Oh yeah? Well my wife’s so stupid, she bought us a Blu-Ray player and we don’t even have a TV."
The third redneck says, "Oh yeah, well I can top both of those. MY wife’s so stupid, the other night I found condoms in her purse, and she don’t even have a penis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1bwd1/three_rednecks_are_drinking_beer_at_a_bar_after_a/
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A Disney Language Joke I made up

The Disney Princesses had cats. Tiana's was named One, Two, Three,  Snow White's was Eins, Zwei, Drei, and Belle's was named Une, Deux, Trois. They decided to put the cats on rafts and race them.
Tiana and Snow White's cats made it to the end, but Belle's died because
Une, Deux, Trois, Cat, Sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1bsee/a_disney_language_joke_i_made_up/
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(Fathers day joke) what makes a joke a dad joke?

When the joke becomes a parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1bqrf/fathers_day_joke_what_makes_a_joke_a_dad_joke/
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Why are gay guys the first ones to check out of a hotel?

They get their shit packed at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1bq5e/why_are_gay_guys_the_first_ones_to_check_out_of_a/
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Would you like to hear a joke about prisoners who have been spending years in the death row?

Sorry, still having problems with the execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1bnu1/would_you_like_to_hear_a_joke_about_prisoners_who/
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A limerick about vaginas I wrote five years ago

There once was a gal from Cancun,
Who had a most curious poon.
T'was coarse like a thistle,
But tight as a whistle,
And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1bhbi/a_limerick_about_vaginas_i_wrote_five_years_ago/
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The other day my friend told me that I didn't understand what irony is

Which was ironic because we were standing at a bus stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1bft1/the_other_day_my_friend_told_me_that_i_didnt/
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As a kid, Whenever I used to watch the “Wizard of Oz”

I used to wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I got Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1bc3f/as_a_kid_whenever_i_used_to_watch_the_wizard_of_oz/
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A man tries to pick up a woman from the bar. [NSFW]

Man: Hey baby, what's it gonna take for me to take you home?
Woman: I want 9 inches and I want it to hurt.
Man: How about I fuck you 3 times and hit you with a chair?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1baux/a_man_tries_to_pick_up_a_woman_from_the_bar_nsfw/
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what is rubick cube and cock in the same?

the more play with the harder it is hahahaha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1b7ez/what_is_rubick_cube_and_cock_in_the_same/
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I watched two lesbian quantum physicists in a super position today.

It was a double-slit experiment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1b31j/i_watched_two_lesbian_quantum_physicists_in_a/
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She ded

Me: if you didn’t have feet would you still wear shoes?
Her: no!
Me: then why are you putting on a bra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1b22b/she_ded/
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I would love to make a dad joke right now...

But I can’t go father than that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1b0tx/i_would_love_to_make_a_dad_joke_right_now/
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A new Navy recruit has his first day on a Submarine....

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
“Go stand at the periscope entry-way and make sure no unauthorised personnel touch the periscope.”
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
“Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.”
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
“Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.”
The recruit again follows orders and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
“Hey there,” says the recruit. “Is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!”
The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1b0jt/a_new_navy_recruit_has_his_first_day_on_a/
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Spent a few hours on the wife's grave today

1. It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond.
\[Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1b0ft/spent_a_few_hours_on_the_wifes_grave_today/
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What do you call a lesbian bakery?

Gay gals bay-gals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1b0fq/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_bakery/
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I got the words ”jacuzzi” and ”yakuza” confused.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1b0ek/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_confused/
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Why do bacteria wait 5 seconds before touching food?

They first need to skip an ad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1b0eb/why_do_bacteria_wait_5_seconds_before_touching/
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Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1azml/today_i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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I asked my husband if I'm the only one he's been with.

He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ayma/i_asked_my_husband_if_im_the_only_one_hes_been/
%
Why does KFC not have any toilet paper in their rest rooms?

Everything is finger licking good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ayaw/why_does_kfc_not_have_any_toilet_paper_in_their/
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I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with...

He said yes, the others were nines and tens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ayat/i_asked_my_husband_if_im_the_only_one_hes_been/
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I hope all girls have cancer

As their zodiac sign because they’d be a perfect match for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1aw2b/i_hope_all_girls_have_cancer/
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The toilets at the local police station have been stolen.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1asfo/the_toilets_at_the_local_police_station_have_been/
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Today we celebrate motherfuckers

Happy Father’s Day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1aq7c/today_we_celebrate_motherfuckers/
%
A local man wins the lottery.

After he’s cashed in his winnings he’s overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, and serenity. He wants to give back to his community and he thinks that everyone should get in on the feels. He decides to throw a grand party at his new mansion where anyone in town can come to eat and drink for free as long as they come dressed in an outfit that represents an emotion.
The night of the party arrives and the first guests were two lawyers dressed in head-to-toe green. When the man asks what their outfits mean, they reply, “We’re green with envy about your recent financial success!”. Pleased with the answer, the man waves them inside.
The next couple to arrive were teachers at the nearby elementary school. Their bodies were completely covered in pink feathers. The man amusedly inquires what emotion the feathers represent. In unison they chime, “We’re tickled pink that you’re so wealthy now!”. Sharing a chuckle, he lets them into the party.
The third duo to show up on the man’s doorstep were two notoriously vacuous gangsters nearly as naked as their first birthday. Shocked, the man asks why they are completely nude except for one of them having a piece of fruit on his penis, and the other with his manhood in a bowl of gloop. The gangster nearest the man says matter-of-factly, “Yo, check it. I’m all deep in ‘dis pear, and this guy is fuckin’ ‘dis custard!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1aops/a_local_man_wins_the_lottery/
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Happy Father's day

Motherfuckers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1aocr/happy_fathers_day/
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Once I told a joke to my gay friend...

He couldn't keep straight face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1agbz/once_i_told_a_joke_to_my_gay_friend/
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Three men are walking in the desert

Three men are walking in a desert when they stumble across a wizard next to a magical slide
‘Slide down this ride shout out the name of your favorite drink’  the wizard commands
The three men question his logic but never the less the first man climbs to the top of the slide and begins to slide down
‘Coke’ the man shouts and to his amazement he winds up in a pool of coke
The second man is already at the top as he slides down he yells ‘Fanta’ and he too ends up in a pool of his favorite beverage.
The last man is up at the top of the slide is is a lot dumber then his comrades and is known for being idiotic sooooo when he is sliding down forgetting about what he is doing and enjoying himself he screams ‘weeeeeeeeeee’
Splash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well I don’t know what you were expecting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ae9h/three_men_are_walking_in_the_desert/
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The roof was caving in by the minute. I spent my few seconds deciding what to do...

And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1adym/the_roof_was_caving_in_by_the_minute_i_spent_my/
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Now I know why Australians call each other "Mate"...

Cause it's a short form of **INMATE**...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1ad6s/now_i_know_why_australians_call_each_other_mate/
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A hitchhiker gets picked up by a trucker with a bullfrog on his dashboard.

The hitchhiker guy stares at the bullfrog for a while, fascinated by the animal, while the truck driver just grins. After a while, the truck driver decides to show him what's what. He pulls over by the side of the road.
"Watch this!"
He takes the bullfrog by the legs and SLAMS its head against the dashboard. Then, he slips the bullfrog in his pants, and the bullfrog gives him a blowjob!
"Pretty awesome, huh? You wanna try?"
"Ah, I dunno..."
"C'mon, I don't mind."
The hitchhiker makes a face.
"Fine. But please don't hit me too hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1acjc/a_hitchhiker_gets_picked_up_by_a_trucker_with_a/
%
They say an 80s D&D TV show couldn't work on a modern internet streaming platform

But Stranger Things has happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1abdl/they_say_an_80s_dd_tv_show_couldnt_work_on_a/
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What did the toilet say to the poop ?

Nothing, it was just flushed with embarrassment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1a8pu/what_did_the_toilet_say_to_the_poop/
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I went to the liquor store and the sales person asked if I needed help

I said: "Yeah but I came here instead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1a7vq/i_went_to_the_liquor_store_and_the_sales_person/
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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $2.50, deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1a66f/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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There's this lawyer who is sitting in an airport, waiting for his plane to board

When he notices a sleeping blonde woman next to him.
The lawyer thinks that he can make a quick buck off of this woman, and decides to wake her up.
"What do you want?"
"I want to play a trivia game with you, if I give you a question where you don't know the answer, you give me $5, but if you give ME a question that I can't answer, I will give you $50."
The blonde agrees to play on the one condition that if she stumps him, she can go back to sleep.
The lawyer starts first:
"What is the capital of Vermont?"
The blonde doesn't know, and is too tired to find out, so she gives him $5.
Then it's the blonde's turn:
"What comes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four?"
The lawyer couldn't believe it. He was stumped. He called all his friends, looked it up online, and even tried meditating for a few minutes to see if he could figure it out, but in the end, he gives up, handing the blonde $50.
"So, what is it?"
The blonde looks at him, gives him $5, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1a5tz/theres_this_lawyer_who_is_sitting_in_an_airport/
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My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction.

So I packed all my bags and right!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1a1fd/my_wife_is_mad_at_me_says_i_have_no_sense_of/
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I wanted to post a sodium joke

But Na, people won’t get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c19w8j/i_wanted_to_post_a_sodium_joke/
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What did the depressed celiac say will planning his suicide

Let's get this bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c19vja/what_did_the_depressed_celiac_say_will_planning/
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c19vbl/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dyslexic_an/
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We need to stop giving women rights.

We need to give them lefts as well.
That way they can finally drive as good as men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c19v2l/we_need_to_stop_giving_women_rights/
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Three Engineers are Discussing God

The structural engineer says "I think God must've been a structural engineer.  The musculoskeletal system is perfectly designed to allow us to walk upright."
The electrical engineer says "Interesting, but you are obviously wrong.  God is an electrical engineer. The nervous system is so complex and finely tuned, He couldn't be anything else!"
The civil engineer turns to them both and declares "you're both wrong. Only a civil engineer would run a sewage line through a recreational area."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c19tb0/three_engineers_are_discussing_god/
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This morning on the way to work, I wasn't really paying attention and i drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c19szx/this_morning_on_the_way_to_work_i_wasnt_really/
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Little billy goes to a whorehouse

Madame: little Billy, get out of here! You're too young and you can't afford my girls.
Little Billy pulls a huge wad of cash out of his pocket.
Billy: I've been saving my allowance all year, and I've got my pubes. I want to bang a whore.
Madame: well, okay. You can have any girl in the house except Sandy.
Billy: Why can't I have Sandy?
Madame: You don't want Sandy! She's got the herpesyphigonalaids! It's the worst VD ever! You don't want that little Billy.
Billy: Yes I do! That's what i want! I want the herpesyphigonalaids.
Madame: why little Billy?
Billy: I'm gonna bang Sandy and she's gonna give me tje herpesyphigonalaids. Then I'm gonna go home and tonight i'll give it to my babysitter, then when my dad drives her home she'll give him the herpesyphigonalaids. When dad gets home he's gonna give mom the herpesyphigonalaids. Then tomorrow while he's at work mom will give the mailman the herpesyphigonalaids. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERF***ER WHO RAN OVER MY DOG!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c19q2f/little_billy_goes_to_a_whorehouse/
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If the penal system started letting inmates take their own mugshots

would they be called "cellfies"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c19obb/if_the_penal_system_started_letting_inmates_take/
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Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.

Happy Father's Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c19jba/today_is_a_day_we_celebrate_motherfuckers/
%
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c19cul/a_mans_walking_home_late_at_night_when_he_sees_a/
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Two atoms are talking

"Oh no, I lost an electron!"
"Just think positively."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c199q1/two_atoms_are_talking/
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I wanted eggs for breakfast but I was short in time.

So I had to scramble.
Happy Fathers Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1996r/i_wanted_eggs_for_breakfast_but_i_was_short_in/
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A fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant.

It's lying on the ground in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it and the elephant happily trots away.
20 years later the man in standing in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When along comes an elephant, as it gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk and lift him into the air and smashes him into the ground.
It was a different elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1988q/a_fella_is_on_safari_in_africa_when_he_comes/
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There are 3 types of people in this world

Those who understand quantum computing
Those who do not understand quantum computing
And those who both simultaneously do and do not understand quantum computing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c197af/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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What did the buffalo say to his son in the morning?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c196tm/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_in_the_morning/
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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c196ew/a_man_entered_the_bus_with_both_of_his_front/
%
An undertaker comes home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asks his wife.
"I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When i got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
"Anyway, I find the room and sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I did what I always do, I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see,"says his wife."But how did you get the black eye?"
The undertaker replies,"Wrong room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c194zl/an_undertaker_comes_home_with_a_black_eye/
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A Boeing 737 Max flight attendant walks into a bar and orders a martini

. "You're here later than usual," the bartender comments. "Problems at work?" "Yes, just as our flight was about to take off we had to turn around and wait at the gate for an hour." "What was the problem?" the bartender asks. "The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," she replies. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c192uf/a_boeing_737_max_flight_attendant_walks_into_a/
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There are 3 racehorses sitting in a bar

Called James, Jimmy and Johnny.
James turns to Jimmy and says, "Say, last week I was in a big race and I was losing by miles! But then suddenly, I had a massive pain in my ass and it shot through my whole body and through my mouth and woah! I was in front and I won!"
Jimmy replies, "Crazy thing James, cos the same thing happened to me on Tuesday! I was losing by about 200.73 metres and I felt a raging pain in my buttocks and through my whole body and out through my mouth and before I could cry out in pain I won!"
Johnny feels left out so he attempts to bring up his similarly weird story when there is a clearing of someone's throat.
"Excuse me lads..." says a race dog.
"That's incredibly weird, because yesterday the same thing happened to me, right... I was chasing a fucking rabbit yeah and it was really fast and I couldn't catch it. But then out of nowhere my ass just started to hurt as if some guy had just shot me and like a flash I caught the rabbit! Go me!" went the race dog.
Johnny looks at his friends and says, "Boys, do you hear what I'm hearing?"
James replies, "Yea, a talking fucking dog!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c191w2/there_are_3_racehorses_sitting_in_a_bar/
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I heard that Chinese opium is so strong that it can kill you.

No wonder it's a drug for youth-in-Asia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c191vj/i_heard_that_chinese_opium_is_so_strong_that_it/
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What do you do with a sick chemist

First you try and helium and if that doesn't work then you barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c191sk/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
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A friend of mine gave up his addiction to hiring escorts and is now getting a philosophy degree.

I’m glad he put Descartes before the whores.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c18y73/a_friend_of_mine_gave_up_his_addiction_to_hiring/
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What do you call an abortion in Czechoslovakia?

A cancelled check.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c18uaj/what_do_you_call_an_abortion_in_czechoslovakia/
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Why did the horny duck go to the baseball game?

She was trying to catch some fowl balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c18sdt/why_did_the_horny_duck_go_to_the_baseball_game/
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I can do a magic trick by eating these 2 pieces of string.

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c18p06/i_can_do_a_magic_trick_by_eating_these_2_pieces/
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I live my life in constant fear...

That one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” will come back to claim his rightful mug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c18nxf/i_live_my_life_in_constant_fear/
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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c18n2p/isnt_it_weird_when_sometimes_youre_thinking_about/
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As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c18msf/as_a_security_guard_my_boss_said_my_job_is_to/
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I almost got to see Elvis once.

But my shovel broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c18m6w/i_almost_got_to_see_elvis_once/
%
Roses are red, violets are blue

I’m just telling you gardening facts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c18kvm/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
What the... that rabbit is wearing a tuxedo.

Yeah, he’s probably coming from a hare dresser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c189c2/what_the_that_rabbit_is_wearing_a_tuxedo/
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What if the real reason aliens don't visit us is because...

...we're a one star planet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1864h/what_if_the_real_reason_aliens_dont_visit_us_is/
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What did one blonde say to the other?

"Without electricity, we'd have to watch TV in the dark"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c182q7/what_did_one_blonde_say_to_the_other/
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I wonder if Samuel L Jackson has sent his father...

...a 'Happy Motherfuckers Day' card today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17yb8/i_wonder_if_samuel_l_jackson_has_sent_his_father/
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I was reading this survey the other day...

And accordion to it, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17xik/i_was_reading_this_survey_the_other_day/
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A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17w7o/a_good_mom_lets_you_lick_the_batter_off_the_mixer/
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How do you stop a dog barking in July?

Shoot him in June.
From the old Adam West Batman, as told by Cesar Romero.  Still the #1 Joker, apologies to Heath Ledger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17w6q/how_do_you_stop_a_dog_barking_in_july/
%
I burned 2000 calories yesterday.

I let the cake in the oven for too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17vv0/i_burned_2000_calories_yesterday/
%
I just got fired from the pasta factory :(

I made a fusili mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17snw/i_just_got_fired_from_the_pasta_factory/
%
Why do Mexican gang members usual flunk school?

Cause they don't turn in their essays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17sl0/why_do_mexican_gang_members_usual_flunk_school/
%
"What do we want?"

"A cure for dementia!"
"When do we want it?"
"Want what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17qky/what_do_we_want/
%
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17oji/a_sunday_school_teacher_asked_her_children_on_the/
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Divorce lawyer: So Mickey, you said you wanted to divorce your wife because she is extremely silly.

Mickey: No! I want to divorce her because she’s fucking goofy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17m88/divorce_lawyer_so_mickey_you_said_you_wanted_to/
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What did the man in prison say to his twin brother?

“Soo...you know how we finish each other’s sentences”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17lcz/what_did_the_man_in_prison_say_to_his_twin_brother/
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Sex is like this joke

I don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17h1g/sex_is_like_this_joke/
%
I was so pissed off when I had to buy a $400 plane ticket for my child.

The craigslist ad said the price included postage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17edb/i_was_so_pissed_off_when_i_had_to_buy_a_400_plane/
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What do Winnie the Pooh,Sonic the Hedgehog and Alexander the Great have in common?

The same middle name.
Sorry for the bad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17dma/what_do_winnie_the_poohsonic_the_hedgehog_and/
%
How do I feel about the earth's rotation?

It makes my day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17d7z/how_do_i_feel_about_the_earths_rotation/
%
My daughter saw my wife and I having sex this morning

She said "Quit sending me these videos!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c17cvo/my_daughter_saw_my_wife_and_i_having_sex_this/
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What washes-up on tiny beaches?

Micro-waves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c179z9/what_washesup_on_tiny_beaches/
%
What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common?

They can both smell it but they cant eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c177dr/what_does_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery/
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What's the best part of an ISIS joke

The execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c174j1/whats_the_best_part_of_an_isis_joke/
%
Why is is so hard to get a pearl from an oyster?

Because they’re a little shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c172wk/why_is_is_so_hard_to_get_a_pearl_from_an_oyster/
%
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.

She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says , "Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said "That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00."
She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register.
And in the meantime the woman farts.
At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c172ci/a_woman_goes_into_a_store_to_buy_a_fishing_rod/
%
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

In this one the Devil has to get the priest out of the kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c16zdn/have_you_seen_the_new_exorcist_movie/
%
My store in Ireland is doing fantastic

Profits are always Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c16wvg/my_store_in_ireland_is_doing_fantastic/
%
A pregnant woman walking across the street is caught in a firefight between cops and some bank robbers

She's hit three times in the abdomen and immediately rushed to the ER. They perform an emergency cesarian section and remove seemingly three healthy children - 2 girls and a boy. Further examination shows no sign of any shrapnel. The doctors monitor closely the new family but nothing seems amiss. Life goes on apparently uneventful.
However some thirteen years later, one of the daughters comes down and exclaims 'Mummy Mummy! I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!' The mother explains the story and reassures her daughter
Then the second daughter comes running down 'Mummy Mummy! I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!' The mother again explains the story and reassures her other daughter
Finally the little boy comes down 'Mummy Mummy!' - the mother stops him there ' I know - you went for a wee and a bullet came out'
'Actually Mum - I was having a wank and I shot the cat'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c16vfr/a_pregnant_woman_walking_across_the_street_is/
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What did the giant squid say to the other giant squid?

What's kraken bro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c16sug/what_did_the_giant_squid_say_to_the_other_giant/
%
Can we stop posting jokes about women’s menstruation, this category of humor is NOT FUNNY.

Period,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c16qmp/can_we_stop_posting_jokes_about_womens/
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A woman had twin boys

Unfortunately, she was unable to keep them, so she put them up for adoption. She was able to find loving homes for both of them overseas, but it was many years since she had seen them.
Then, just before their 21st birthday she got two letters, one from Egypt, the other from Spain. Each son had tracked down their biological mother and wanted to visit her.
She was overjoyed; she would finally see her identical twin sons! Jamal from Egypt, and Juan from Spain! Just before they were to come to visit, though, the woman got another letter from Egypt. Unfortunately due to unseen circumstances, her son from Egypt was unable to visit that year.
She still got to see her son from Spain, though. So her husband tried to console her, saying "Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c16qfx/a_woman_had_twin_boys/
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A string walks into a bar and the bartenders first words to the string is “we do not serve your kind here.” The string walks home, messes up his hair, tiedies himself up, and walks back to the bar. The bartender says “didn’t I just see you here?”

The string says I’m afrayed knot
God I hate myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c16fzt/a_string_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_bartenders/
%
A husband and wife were out playing golf.

They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left .
The Wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups .She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball .She hits a beautiful second shot ,but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups .
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere .She blocks her path to her bag and looks at her and says.” I’m Mother Nature,and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups .From now on,you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter.Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea”. The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared .
Shaken the wife calls out to her husband “ Hey,where’s your ball?”. “It’s over here in the pussy willows”.
The wife screams back.  “ DON’T HIT THE BALL !!!   DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c16d4j/a_husband_and_wife_were_out_playing_golf/
%
Women age like fine wine

They're only good for cooking after a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c16ahb/women_age_like_fine_wine/
%
So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.
So I called in all the old high school friends I could reach. It still wouldn’t budge.
So we get scientific, try to wedge a metal beam from the garage under it, and slip an old tool chest in as a fulcrum, hoping to pry it loose. The beam bends, and the tool chest actually snaps.
By now, it’s been a few hours, most of the group is ready to give up, and the pizza and drinks I’d offered and running out, when I see Nate pull in next door. He was our neighbor’s son, rarely showed up to visit her, but felt like a godsend at that moment.
I convinced myself one more man would make a difference, which seems a little less crazy when you know Nate. He’s 6’8", and pure muscle. He holds back when shaking hands so he doesn’t hurt people, and still feels like he’s going to crush you hand. He grabbed me by the arm to pull me out of the way of a speeding car once, and they had to put the arm in a cast, because his grip broke it. Saved my life at least. Plus, Nate is a landscaper, and I figured he might have trick to help us.
So I thought with everyone and Nate, we got this. I ask Nate for help with the boulder, start waving everyone else over. Only Nate doesn’t wait for us. He just grabs the boulder and pops it up into the truck.
And that’s how I learned a valuable lesson: better Nate than lever.
°°°°°°°°°
I've seen the punchline here a few times, but never caught it with this set up, so thought I'd share, as it was my dad's second favorite joke, only beat out by the string joke, which I have seen here plenty. Have a Happy Father's Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c167in/so_my_mom_decided_to_sell_her_house_but_shed/
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If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof...

Would you help your uncle Jack off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c165ip/if_your_uncle_jack_was_stuck_on_the_roof/
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Why do flower merchants refuse to work in two-story buildings?

Because they're floorists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1640u/why_do_flower_merchants_refuse_to_work_in/
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Why don’t rednecks do reverse cowgirl?

It’s bad to turn your back on your family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15xvb/why_dont_rednecks_do_reverse_cowgirl/
%
A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He sits on a stool, slaps the croc on the bar, and says, "I'd like a beer, please."
The bartender says, "Whoa dude. That thing is dangerous. Get it out of my bar."
The guy says, "Nah, he's perfectly harmless, watch."
He proceeds to whip out his penis and hold it in the crocodiles open mouth for a solid minute and a half. Afterwards, he puts his penis back up and says, "See? Perfectly harmless. Anyone else want to try?"
This one dude at the back of the bar says, "I'd like to, but I don't think I can keep my mouth open that long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15sc8/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_crocodile_under_his/
%
Why was Jesus in good shape?

Because he did cross-fit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15q0l/why_was_jesus_in_good_shape/
%
I asked my husband if I am the only one he's been with.

He said yes, others were all nines or tens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15o0g/i_asked_my_husband_if_i_am_the_only_one_hes_been/
%
Dr: We have to remove your colon.

Me Why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15noe/dr_we_have_to_remove_your_colon/
%
What kind of STD can you get from phone sex?

Hearing AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15m7x/what_kind_of_std_can_you_get_from_phone_sex/
%
Why was Pete at Lil’ Caesars?

Cause Pete’s a pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15l9r/why_was_pete_at_lil_caesars/
%
I don’t vaccinate my child.

That would be extremely irresponsible.  I pay a medical professional to vaccinate him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15gdz/i_dont_vaccinate_my_child/
%
A man visits a lady of the night, she only wants 5 dollars.

The next day he wakes up, and realizes he has crabs. The man goes back to the prostitute and tells her “Hey, you gave me crabs”. She responds, “for 5 dollars did you expect Lobster?”
Sorry just watching the office for the first time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15fer/a_man_visits_a_lady_of_the_night_she_only_wants_5/
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A woman is attending her 98 year old grandfathers funeral

After the service her and her family head back to her grandmothers home and she finally has the chance to talk to her grandmother alone.
She first shows her sympathy then she asks her grandmother exactly how her grandfather died, Her grandmother looked at her then made sure nobody was around and said "He died while we were having sex"
The woman was mortified, "Grandmother" she said., you are 97 years old that is way too old to be having sex. Her grandmother said, "I'm well aware of my age my dear and your grandfather and I had it figured out."
We still loved each other and wanted to make love as much as we could but because of our age we would only have sex on Sundays when we could hear the church bells,
The bells would help your grandfather keep a steady pace and not over exert himself, he would listen to the bells while we made love, and he would go in on the Ding and out on the Dong
The grandmother then let out a long sigh and said
"And If it wasn't for that Damn Ice Cream truck He'd still be with us today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15d8d/a_woman_is_attending_her_98_year_old_grandfathers/
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What do you call jam made from deer meat?

Wildlife Preserve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15c4c/what_do_you_call_jam_made_from_deer_meat/
%
Waiter: Can I take your name and order?

Man: I'm Jon and I'll have a coke
Waiter: We only serve Pepsi I'm afraid
Man: Oh ok I'm Pepsi and I'll have a coke
Waiter: ok man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15bke/waiter_can_i_take_your_name_and_order/
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Doctor: Take these pills every day for the rest of your life.

Me: *confused* but there are only three pills!
Doctor: Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15ayy/doctor_take_these_pills_every_day_for_the_rest_of/
%
Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15ab7/why_did_the_programmer_quit_his_job/
%
When I was in the army I got 300 recorded kills in six months.

Then they kicked me out of the catering corp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15979/when_i_was_in_the_army_i_got_300_recorded_kills/
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I always wanted to be one of those Gregorian monks...

But I never got the chants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c15888/i_always_wanted_to_be_one_of_those_gregorian_monks/
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A nun wakes up in the morning and steps out into the corridor

“Woke up on the wrong side of bed sister?” Asked the first nun she passed by.
“No?” She replied, puzzled.
This carried on the entire corridor, with every passing nun asking her the same question.
Exasperated and angry, she reaches the end of the corridor, and upon seeing the Mother superior, looks at her and goes “What, are you going to ask me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed too?!”
“No, not at all, I just wanted to ask why you’re wearing the bishop’s shoes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c157s5/a_nun_wakes_up_in_the_morning_and_steps_out_into/
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I’m addicted to break fluid.

Don’t worry, I can stop at any time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c155ux/im_addicted_to_break_fluid/
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A basic girl was struggling with her math class,

its the thot that counts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1554w/a_basic_girl_was_struggling_with_her_math_class/
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Whats the difference between a Wife and a Battery?

A Battery has a positive side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1549r/whats_the_difference_between_a_wife_and_a_battery/
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I make bad puns.

That's how eye roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1544x/i_make_bad_puns/
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The F**king Tree (NSFW)

A man moves to a new town and looks for work. A couple of days pass by and he manages to find a job as a lumberjack. Only problem is, it's is a live-in position. Since the forest is located on the outskirts of the city, the man would be required to move out to the log cabin there and stay on premises for weeks on end. Seeing as he had no choice, he decided to take the job offer.
When the man gets to the cabin, he sees that there are other male lumberjacks there, but no women. He starts working and continues doing so for the next couple of days without exchanging much words with anyone.
After a week passed, the man goes to his boss and asks:
"say, why aren't there any women around here? I don't know how you guys deal with it. I'm going crazy from being so horny, what's a man supposed to do?"
The supervisor looks at him and says:
"There's a big hollow tree in the yard, that has a perfectly shaped hole in it. We call it the fucking tree. We all have our way with it. Why don't you go give it a shot tonight?"
The man couldn't believe what he heard but decided to go along with it anyway. Later that night, the man got extremely horny and decided to give it a shot. He cautiously walked to the yard, making sure that nobody saw him as he was making his way there. Once he got to the tree, he took his pants off and reluctantly stuck his dick inside the hole. He couldn't believe how good it felt! He continued pounding the tree for a few minutes until he eventually came.
"goddamn, that was amazing! I now understand why all the lumberjacks fuck this tree" said the man, as he left back to his cabin.
Over the next couple of nights the man kept coming back and fucking the tree relentlessly. Each night felt just as good as the first and he couldn't get enough of it.
One night the man came back to partake in his daily routine. He proceeded to stick his dick inside, but this time he felt nothing. He took it out and tried again and again, but to no avail. The pleasure was gone.
The man angrily returned to his, supervisor's office and began yelling at him.
"what the fuck is going on? I've been pounding this tree for days and it felt great, why don't I feel anything now?"
The supervisor looked the man in the eyes and said.
"Tonight, its your turn in the tree."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1534h/the_fking_tree_nsfw/
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What happened to the cannibal that was late to the feast?

They gave him the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c14znh/what_happened_to_the_cannibal_that_was_late_to/
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I told my wife I would only have 2 drinks and be home by 8

I always get those 2 things mixed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c14xfy/i_told_my_wife_i_would_only_have_2_drinks_and_be/
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A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus.

He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says “that is Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied”.
“There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He had lied twice so it has moved twice.”
“Where is Donald Trump’s?” Asked the man.
Jesus answers “it is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c14v7n/a_man_goes_into_heaven_and_there_he_meets_jesus/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c14ud5/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.

I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c14rz4/since_its_fathers_day_my_wife_asked_if_i_could/
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What do the testicles of a priest look like?

Silly question, every child knows that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c14p9z/what_do_the_testicles_of_a_priest_look_like/
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I showed a friend my 2 month old glass of milk.

He said "That is absolutely disgusting". So I told him not to disrespect my culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c14gdn/i_showed_a_friend_my_2_month_old_glass_of_milk/
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A man was at a supermarket buying bread.

The cashier asked him if he wanted a bag. He said 'yes please, baguette'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c14dm8/a_man_was_at_a_supermarket_buying_bread/
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What's DJ Khaled favorite number?

11
Cuz its "another one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c14cha/whats_dj_khaled_favorite_number/
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I heard diarrhea is genetic...

It runs in our jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1489g/i_heard_diarrhea_is_genetic/
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Two students are late for school,

so their teacher sends them to the principal's office.
The first boy enters and sits down. The principal asks him why he was late, to which the boy responds, "I was throwing sticks in the lake." The principal, new at the school, thinks to himself, "Boy, this school sure is strict - that's not really worth an offense worth going to the principal's office over. Heck, I loved doing things like that when I was a kid!" Pretending to be dead serious so that the boy might shape up a little, he slowly says, "Well, knock it off and get to class on time from now on. You won't get off as easy if I see you back in here after this." The boy furiously nods his head and practically sprints out of the office.
As soon as the door closes, the other boy comes in after him and sits down in front of the principal's desk. The principal asks him why he's late, and he gives the exact same response - he was throwing sticks in the lake. A bit annoyed now, but understanding that the boys were just enjoying themselves together, and reminiscing on his own youth, the principal tells him, "I'll let you off the hook this time, but go to class and come to school on time. You're here to learn - don't squander your opportunities by goofing off." The student, now red in the face, gives a faint "Yes" and leaves the office. Satisfied, the principal smiles, leans back in his chair, and thinks to himself, "These kids aren't so bad. I think I'll like it here."
No sooner than the instant he finishes that thought, the door swings open for a third time, and a boy who looks to be about as old as the other two slowly walks into the office, soaking wet, completely disheveled and tracking mud everywhere he steps. He gets to the chair the other students sat at before him, angrily grumbles to himself, and sits down in a huff, furiously staring at the tiled floor. The principal, a bit fed up at this point, but still not wanting to be overly harsh, jokingly says, "Let me guess: throwing sticks in the lake with your friends, and you bit off a little more than you could chew?"
The boy, seething, snaps, "No - I'm Sticks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c146v7/two_students_are_late_for_school/
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Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

... Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c141xy/due_to_a_power_outage_the_house_was_very_dark_so/
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My wife threatened to leave me due to my sexual fetishes.

I said "fine, just slam the door on my cock on your way out".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c13zx0/my_wife_threatened_to_leave_me_due_to_my_sexual/
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Batman: Hey, you wanna watch a movie?

Superman: Cape Fear?
Batman: Only when I’m riding an escalator. Want to watch a movie or not?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c13wzc/batman_hey_you_wanna_watch_a_movie/
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A man won the lottery and called his wife asking her to pack her clothes

Wife:  should i pack for a tropical or a European holiday.
Husband: pack whatever you want, what's important is that you are not there when i get home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c13whl/a_man_won_the_lottery_and_called_his_wife_asking/
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Not a good joke but an original.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c13tpt/not_a_good_joke_but_an_original/
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What is Forrest Gump’s password

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c13nam/what_is_forrest_gumps_password/
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What do you call a chubby dwarf?

Low-fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c13jha/what_do_you_call_a_chubby_dwarf/
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I think I’m going to start quoting Gandhi more.

“I’m hungry.” - Gandhi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c13itk/i_think_im_going_to_start_quoting_gandhi_more/
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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c13ih2/my_wife_just_gave_birth_today_and_after_thanking/
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Where'd Fozzie Bear take his dog?

on a ***WAKKA WAKKA***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c13gbn/whered_fozzie_bear_take_his_dog/
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What do you call an Asian that is born early?

Suden li

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c13g8d/what_do_you_call_an_asian_that_is_born_early/
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A flock of birds walk into a bar, look around, then head for the door.

Bartender says, “Hey, what’s the matter?”
One of the birds says, “oh, it's just that this place looked seedier on the outside.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c13f9g/a_flock_of_birds_walk_into_a_bar_look_around_then/
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Why can't regular browsers of r/jokes change a lightbulb?

They are all looking for the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c13b4q/why_cant_regular_browsers_of_rjokes_change_a/
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When does red paint smell like blue paint?

Always.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1390o/when_does_red_paint_smell_like_blue_paint/
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Which means "No Tv for you!" in Russian?

Njetflix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1359y/which_means_no_tv_for_you_in_russian/
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How to get away with speeding

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...
**Older Woman:** Is there a problem, officer?
**Officer:** Ma'am, you were speeding.
**Older Woman:** Oh, I see.
**Officer:** Can I see your license, please?
**Older Woman:** I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
**Officer:** Don't have one?
**Older Woman:** Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
**Officer:** I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
**Older Woman:** I can't do that.
**Officer:** Why not?
**Older Woman:** I stole this car.
**Officer:** Stole it?
**Older Woman:** Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
**Officer:** You what?
**Older Woman:** His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
**Officer 2:** Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
**Older Woman:** Is there a problem sir?
**Officer 2:** One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
**Older Woman:** Murdered the owner?
**Officer 2:** Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk
.**Officer 2:** Is this your car, ma'am?
**Older Woman:** Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
**Officer 2:** One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
**Officer 2:** Thank you, ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
**Older Woman:** Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c133tj/how_to_get_away_with_speeding/
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Oj Simpson is ready to remarry...

He knows the last marriage didn't end so well... but he's ready to take another stab at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c131yi/oj_simpson_is_ready_to_remarry/
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I got fired from the bank

I don’t know why, the people seemed to love me.
Everybody that spoke to me gave me a tip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c130md/i_got_fired_from_the_bank/
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I was in Japan watching a football game....

....after 90 minutes the players from both teams started fighting.  I asked my friend what was happening.  He said the were playing Ninjary time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c12z7s/i_was_in_japan_watching_a_football_game/
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My doctor told me to stop masturbating

When I asked why, she replied, "becuase I'm giving you a physical."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c12xck/my_doctor_told_me_to_stop_masturbating/
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Communism is like a smart but unskilled piano player.

Good in theory but bad in practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c12w5h/communism_is_like_a_smart_but_unskilled_piano/
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Did you know the first French fries weren’t fried in France?

They were fried in Greece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c12tvs/did_you_know_the_first_french_fries_werent_fried/
%
My lesbian neighbours bought me a rolex...

I think they misunderstood it when i said that i wanna watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c12rwu/my_lesbian_neighbours_bought_me_a_rolex/
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A boy named Tommy Bought a horse...

from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
Tommy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back. That's fine."
The farmer said, "Sorry, I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Tommy then said, "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, "Why? What ya gonna do with him?"
Tommy replied, "I’m going to raffle him off."
The farmer laughed and said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! Who'd buy a ticket?"
Tommy answered, "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won't tell anybody the horse is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?"
Tommy said, "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Tommy smiled and said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c12qtp/a_boy_named_tommy_bought_a_horse/
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A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert.

Lumberjack says yeah it is now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c12oos/a_lumberjack_went_for_a_job_interviewer_said_tell/
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Jimmy's birthday present

Jimmy comes from a small rural town, born to a family with very little money. Every year for his birthday, his parents tried to do something special for him.
On his 5th birthday, his father sits him down and says, "Well Jimmy, it's your birthday soon. Now, you know we don't have much, but I still want to get you something for your birthday. So, let me know what you want, and maybe we can see if we can get it for you."
Jimmy thinks for a moment and says, "You know Dad, what I REALLY want, is a toy tractor. I just love tractors!" His father gives a knowing smile, and responds with, "Well, we'll see what happens come your birthday" and heads off for the days work.
Jimmy's birthday comes around and lo and behold, in the morning, there's a small package at the bottom of his bed. Barely containing his excitement, he rips it open to see there's a small tractor! He runs downstairs to the playroom, and spends his morning playing with it, his mother coming in and reminding him to get ready for school. At school he can barely contain his excitement, when school ends he rushes home to play with his tractors again.
Everyday he rushes home after school to play with it, spending all his spare time with it in the weekend.
Jimmy loves his little tractor.
A year goes by, and it's time for his birthday again. His father sits him down, and gives him the same old speech about not having much, but wanting to get him something nice. "Well, Dad, I really love the tractor that you got me last year, but can I get another one? Maybe a little different, or bigger?" His Dad smiles knowingly again, and heads off to tend the fields.
Jimmy's wakes on his 6th birthday to see a package at the foot of his bed. He rips it open and finds another tractor! A little bigger, a little better. Jimmy plays with it all morning, then again after school, and again the next day.. and the next.
This continues through his childhood, and his teenage years. Every year the tractor at the end of the bed is a little bigger, a little better. Eventually Jimmy turns 16. He's got himself a job, fixing tractors! Jimmy loves the work, and starts using his pay to collect old tractors. He spends all his spare time playing with them, fixing them up, rebuilding the engines and using his experience to restore them to their original grandeur.
His hard work pays off, with his collection growing and growing until he starts a small tractor museum in his nearby town.
Jimmy gets a little older and after a few short relationships, finally meets a gal who seems to be right for him. Jane loves Jimmy, and he loves her. Everything is perfect, they are great for each other and eventually, Jimmy uses the proceeds from his tractor museum to buy Jane an engagement ring.
He takes her out to the nicest restaurant in the nearby town, and after dessert, brings out the ring for her, falling to his knees and asking her to marry him.
Jane looks shocked for a moment, happy and surprised. Then an odd look occurs on her face. "Jimmy, look, you know I love you. I love you with all my heart. But I don't think I can say yes, because.. of.. well.. the tractors. I can't stand them, I can't stand the smell, the noise, or the sight of them!"
Jimmy takes a moment to process this, he's heartbroken in a way, but stays there for a moment, kneeling on the floor of the restaurant, and realises, Jane is far more important to him. He can find another way to make a living, and she brings him so much joy, he won't need the tractors. "Jane, my love, it's hard for me, but I really absolutely truly love you and want to be with you. I'll get rid of the tractors".
Jane jumps with excitement, "Yes, then, yes! A hundred times yes!!"
Jimmy and Jane carry on with their lives, spending their spare time together planning for their wedding. Jimmy sells his collection of tractors, ending up with an incredible nest egg. Some of the tractors were very rare, collectors were delighted with them!. After setting a date for the wedding, Jimmy finally sells the last of the tractors, ends the lease on the building for the museum and is free of the tractors for good!
A few months later the wedding is finally here! Jimmy and Jane's family and friends all gathered in the local town hall to celebrate their union. After the ceremony and the speeches, the guests all start dancing following the bride and groom.
Later into the night, with everyone happy, dancing and a little tipsy, all of a sudden there is an issue with the air conditioning. The vents all start pumping dark, toxic gas into the room at an alarming rate. The guests rush to the exits, only to find the doors not working. They're all stuck, with nothing they can do.
One of the guests manages to crack a window a couple of inches, but all the windows are broken as well. Nobody can escape. People start lying on the floor, trying to avoid the toxic gas.
Jimmy looks around in shock, wondering what to do, Jane is on the floor beside him, tugging on his pants, trying to get him out of the smoke and gas.
Jimmy looks down at her, smiles, looks back up, and then pulls in the deepest breath he possibly can, filling his lungs. He runs to the window that the guest managed to open, then empties his lungs into the world outside. He turns into the room again and breathes in, filling his lungs, then turns and blows it all out the window.
Jimmy stands there, breathing in and bellowing endlessly out the window. The AC units eventually stop pumping the gas, but he keeps going, clearing the remaining gas from the room.
The room is finally safe, clear of the toxic gas and smoke. The guests start standing up, slowly walking towards him, coughing and spluttering, able to breathe again. Crowding around him, thanking him, hugging him and praising him. Jimmy smiles, glad he was able to save his friends, until finally one guest asks him - "How did you DO THAT?!"
Jimmy looks at Jane and smiles, looks back to his family and friends and says, "Well, I'm an ex-tractor fan".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c12llm/jimmys_birthday_present/
%
Me: .. And this is my house

Friend: What's upstairs?
Me: Stairs don't talk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c12aif/me_and_this_is_my_house/
%
My earliest memory of my mother is playing hide and seek with her, I would be sat peering out of the oven window and she would say...

"Your getting warmer"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c12agn/my_earliest_memory_of_my_mother_is_playing_hide/
%
Fuck Keanu Reeves

Well, that’s the plan, anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c12a88/fuck_keanu_reeves/
%
The latest research shows more money is now spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c127kh/the_latest_research_shows_more_money_is_now_spent/
%
You tube

Police say their investigation into the shooting at the YouTube headquarters has been hampered by having to sit through a 5 second advert before interviewing each witness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c126gk/you_tube/
%
Why do trains like gum so much?

Because they chew-chew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c11zkl/why_do_trains_like_gum_so_much/
%
When life gives you Melons

You have dislexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c11y7e/when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?

The Final Countdown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c11uos/if_an_antivax_kid_had_a_theme_song_what_would_it/
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My friend asked me on what my view on lesbians was

Apparently "In HD" wasn't the right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c11u92/my_friend_asked_me_on_what_my_view_on_lesbians_was/
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My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her...

Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c11t21/my_pregnant_wife_asked_me_if_i_was_worried_the/
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Kid 1: What does quar-an-tine mean?

Kid 2: Dunno let's ask the guy inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c11nxj/kid_1_what_does_quarantine_mean/
%
My grandfather had a stutter, which was really weird, since he was born deaf.

Turns out it was just Parkinson's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c11iq5/my_grandfather_had_a_stutter_which_was_really/
%
What did the Chinese guy's family say after he didn't cry at his own fathers funeral?

Unbereavable...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c11h0l/what_did_the_chinese_guys_family_say_after_he/
%
So, I have a small dick.

It's no big thang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c11gqp/so_i_have_a_small_dick/
%
I’m sure you know what a 69 is, but do you know what a *6.9* is?

A good thing ruined by a *period*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1103h/im_sure_you_know_what_a_69_is_but_do_you_know/
%
How to communicate effectively with your teenage son as an anti-vaxxer:

1. Ouija Board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c10znt/how_to_communicate_effectively_with_your_teenage/
%
What do you get when you play tug-of-war with a pig?

Pulled pork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c10zkr/what_do_you_get_when_you_play_tugofwar_with_a_pig/
%
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c10xt4/what_lies_at_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_and_twitches/
%
It's been reported that Keanu Reeves has been stealing people's inhalers.

In other words, he's breathtaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c10tjs/its_been_reported_that_keanu_reeves_has_been/
%
What does a tornado and a southern divorce have in common?

Someone is losing their trailer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c10r0a/what_does_a_tornado_and_a_southern_divorce_have/
%
People who are against child labour...

...really just need to grow the fuck up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c10qqz/people_who_are_against_child_labour/
%
I proposed a threesome to my wife. And she said yes.

So this weekend its going to be my stupid fucking ideas, the sofa and me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c10qax/i_proposed_a_threesome_to_my_wife_and_she_said_yes/
%
Humans are born with four kidneys.

##
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c10gpn/humans_are_born_with_four_kidneys/
%
An anti-vax mom and a flat-earther dad were having a friendly chat with their neighbor

The neighbor says, "Well I have to go but send my best wishes to the kids.  Tell them I hope they can shoot for the moon."
The mom rather embarrassed says, "I'm sorry... In our family we don't allow shots at the moon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c10ast/an_antivax_mom_and_a_flatearther_dad_were_having/
%
What do you call 5 white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c109pn/what_do_you_call_5_white_guys_sitting_on_a_bench/
%
I can understand why some people don’t like rape jokes

They always feel forced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c109dh/i_can_understand_why_some_people_dont_like_rape/
%
Everyone in my sewing class thinks I’m the worst they have ever seen.

Shit, wrong thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c1040c/everyone_in_my_sewing_class_thinks_im_the_worst/
%
Why don’t keyboards ever sleep?

They have two shifts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c101bk/why_dont_keyboards_ever_sleep/
%
Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?
Hike.
Hike who?
I didn’t know you liked Japanese poetry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0zya5/knock_knock/
%
What do you call a shy person with a hammer?

BASHful!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0zn2n/what_do_you_call_a_shy_person_with_a_hammer/
%
We all know that Hitler is one of the worst people in history, but he may also be one of the best.

He killed Hitler after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0zmid/we_all_know_that_hitler_is_one_of_the_worst/
%
Fun fact about Beethoven.

On March 26th, 1827, Ludwig van Beethoven stopped composing, and began decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0zikt/fun_fact_about_beethoven/
%
"Mommy, how was I born?"

Well son, one day your daddy and I decided to plant a seed. He put it in the Earth and I cared for it every day. Eventually it grew tall and full of leaves, so we dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we had sex without a condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0zdo3/mommy_how_was_i_born/
%
I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)

Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.
So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind.
Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain.
"That was great, but how'd you know that was gonna work?" I asked her afterwards.
"Oh, it was easy. Just had to turn you off and on again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0zdci/im_a_programmer_my_wife_works_parttime_in_tech/
%
Why did Sigmund Freud cross the road?

To get to the mother side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0zby5/why_did_sigmund_freud_cross_the_road/
%
A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising "World famous punch!"

The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!"
He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"
The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."
The man looks around and doesn't see anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0z8pd/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_notices_a_sign/
%
What is a Mexican’s favourite sport?

Cross-country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0z5ei/what_is_a_mexicans_favourite_sport/
%
One time during a flight the pilot said over the intercom "I could sure use a cup of coffee and a blowjob"

So then the stewardess goes bombing down the aisle to tell him it's on and I yell "Don't forget the coffee!"
–Good Will Hunting (1997)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0yv6t/one_time_during_a_flight_the_pilot_said_over_the/
%
Just saw an article about brain eating amoebas becoming a potential problem in Texas (true). I remember this happened about 10 years ago in Alabama and the outcome was terrible.

Poor amoebas nearly starved to death!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0yu0d/just_saw_an_article_about_brain_eating_amoebas/
%
A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who'd never seen them.

"Children, does anybody know what this is?"
Little girl puts up her hand. "That's a rake!"
"Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?"
Little boy puts up his hand. "That's a shovel!"
"Very good, Timmy. It's a shovel. And what about this one?"
Children stare at the picture, but nobody raises their hand. "Well, class. This is what's known as a hoe. It's used for-"
Little Johnny pipes up. "That ain't no hoe! My sister's a hoe, and she don't look nothing like that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ysj3/a_teacher_is_going_over_farming_tools_with_an/
%
A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0yrtx/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/
%
pirate

Which famous writer used to be a pirate?
George arrr arrr matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ynnz/pirate/
%
A man steps into a bar and orders a beer. "o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please."

The Bartender responds "Hey buddy. I used to stutter all the time too, but it stopped right after my wife gave me a blowjob. I suggest you try the same."
After the man hears this, he quickly drinks his beer and leaves.
The next day the man comes to the bar again. "o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please."
The bartender chuckles "My suggestion didn't work, did it?"
The man responds "n-n-no b-b-but y-you h-have a n-n-nice h-h-house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ymtz/a_man_steps_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer_oooone/
%
My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.

I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening. She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, Siri too.
Credit: James Franco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0yg11/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_spoke_so_softly_in_the/
%
Apparently many cannibals agree that people that have been in multiple shipwrecks taste better.

You could say that they prefer seasoned survivors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0yff0/apparently_many_cannibals_agree_that_people_that/
%
In Laughter, the L comes first

The rest of the letters come aughter it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ycqi/in_laughter_the_l_comes_first/
%
What type of clothes is most suitable for royals?

A royal-tee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0yb5c/what_type_of_clothes_is_most_suitable_for_royals/
%
Husband and wife were having a dinner

at a restaurant and the wife stained her dress.
She said “Damn... I look like a pig!”
Husband:
“You also stained your dress”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0y7ml/husband_and_wife_were_having_a_dinner/
%
Science has proven that half of gay males are born that way.

The other half are sucked into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0y4hm/science_has_proven_that_half_of_gay_males_are/
%
Three men wash up on an island, they find the natives, and the Chief says “Each of you go into the forest and collect 10 fruits of one kind.”

That all go rushing in to the jungle to get the fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The Chief tells him to shove all 10 apples up his ass without showing any emotion at all, if he did so he would live if not he would be killed. The man got to the third when he screeched in pain, and all the natives shot him down with arrows. The next man came back with ten cherries and is told to do the same task. He got all the way to his eight when he burst out in laughter, then the chopped off his head. Now both men are in heaven, and the guy with the apples says “Why’d you give up you were so close!” Then the guy with the cherries responds with “I saw the next guy come in with pineapples!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0y2se/three_men_wash_up_on_an_island_they_find_the/
%
why should you not fart in a apple store?

because theres no windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0y2m7/why_should_you_not_fart_in_a_apple_store/
%
I just watched an entire, three day long, arm wrestling match by accident.

Turned out to be more gripping than I expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0y13s/i_just_watched_an_entire_three_day_long_arm/
%
A guy heard about this amazing new weight loss company. All his friends tell him there's nothing like it for losing a quick 5 pound.

A  guy heard about this amazing new weight loss company, all his friends  tell him there's nothing like it for losing a quick 5 pound. He calls  the company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The  next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a  voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old woman dressed in nothing but a pair  of  running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a  representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can  catch me, you can have me."
Without  a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and  puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four  days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and  is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the  company and orders their 5-day/10 pound program. The next day there's a  knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy  woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but running  shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can  have me".
Well,  he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent  shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,  the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and  better shape.
Much  to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers  that he has lost another 10 lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke  and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program." Are you sure?"  asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous  program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The  next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a  huge muscular guy standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes  and a sign around his neck that reads: "If I catch you, I will pulverize you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0y0vb/a_guy_heard_about_this_amazing_new_weight_loss/
%
For years I was searching for...

For years I was searching for the music of a korean show called 'Rep'. I searched all my life for that music. A good part of my life was attached to thaf show. But I cant find it. I lost all my hopes in it.
Now when I am near my death bed, some months ago I get used to reddit. What a womderful place it is. Soo many subreddits. I scrolled for days and days but never got bored. Then I came to know that we can ask about many things you want to find.
The first thing that clicked my mind was that show. So I made a post asking about Where can I find the OST of that show. I got many answers like YT, Spotify but I had searched every place and that music was nowhere. I was desperate to find that music as I know my days are near.
Then after many moons, I got a notification on that post. With a surprise I read that comment. It was of a girl. That comment told me to search for that music on r/Jokes. I was amazed. Why on earth r/Jokes started giving OSTs and songs and music. I asked her for the reason.
She replied," look sir, the only place where you can find your music is r/Jokes because r/Jokes is full of 'Rep' OSTs.
AND I DIED.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0y0bw/for_years_i_was_searching_for/
%
Stalin was giving a speech

in front of an audience and during his speech someone kept sneezing. Annoyed by this, he asked the first row
“Who’s sneezing?
Nobody came forward and he executed the entire first row. Then he asked the second row
“Who’s sneezing?”
Nobody came forward and he executed the entire second row. Then he asked the third row
“Who’s sneezing?”
“Me” one man replied
Stalin: “Bless you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xysz/stalin_was_giving_a_speech/
%
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

You can't peanut butter your cock up someones ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xyan/whats_the_difference_between_peanut_butter_and_jam/
%
How do you eat duck eggs?

First you gotta quack em open!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xxcr/how_do_you_eat_duck_eggs/
%
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them.

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xwqx/a_kindergarten_teacher_one_day_is_trying_to/
%
So I asked my cat who his favorite socialist was.

He just looked at me and said Mao.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xsy4/so_i_asked_my_cat_who_his_favorite_socialist_was/
%
My 5 years old son...

My 5 year old son, after reading story of a king.
Son- Mom, I will also marry 3 wives. One will cook, one will sing and one will bathe me.
My wife- And which one will put you to sleep.
Son- No Mom, I will still sleep with you.
My wife's eyes filled with tears of pure love for our son.
'God bless you son' She said, 'But who will sleep with your three wives.?'
Son- Let them sleep with daddy.
My eyes filled with tears of pure love of my son.
'God bless you my child' I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xs9w/my_5_years_old_son/
%
I used to have an addiction to drinking power steering fluid.

But I've turned my life around now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xrz5/i_used_to_have_an_addiction_to_drinking_power/
%
They say it's good luck for a seagull to poo on you.

It is, for the seagull, obviously, not for you. Duh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xrn4/they_say_its_good_luck_for_a_seagull_to_poo_on_you/
%
Emotions NSFW

3 dummies decide to go to a party. They arrive at the party and are promptly turned away because it’s a costume party and they are not wearing costumes. Determined to go to the party they go looking for props to make costumes. In the back alley they find a pile of painting supplies, brushes, rollers, old paint etc.
First guy sees a can of green paint, pours it over himself, runs to the party and says to the bouncer. “I’m am emotion, I’m green with envy”
Bouncer lets him in.
Second guy grabs a can of red paint pours it over himself. Runs over to the party says to the bouncer “I’m an emotion, I’m red with anger”
Bouncer lets him in.
Third guy looks around sees no more paint, frantically he roots through garbage and finds some fruit. He removes all of his clothing and impales an old pear onto his erection.
He runs over to the party, Bouncer looks him over “What the fuck are you?”
Third guy says “I’m an emotion! I’m fucking despair”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xo74/emotions_nsfw/
%
I'm not sure how I feel about masturbation

On the one hand, it's pretty great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xnuy/im_not_sure_how_i_feel_about_masturbation/
%
A guy walks into a bar

He says to the bartender, "Give me a beer, anything but Budweiser".
He drinks his beer, and again asks for anything but Budweiser.
The Bartender asks,"What's wrong with Budweiser?"
The patron replies, "Oh man, last time I had Budweiser, I got really messed up and blew chunks all night long!"
The Bartender says "Hey man, it's not that bad, we've all been there".
The guy replies "No, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xnrd/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xj2s/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples_today_sounds_weird/
%
I used to know someone who was addicted to drinking brake fluid

They said they could stop at any time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xfi9/i_used_to_know_someone_who_was_addicted_to/
%
My wife and I found each other on eHarmony

It was an awkward dinner conversation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xbts/my_wife_and_i_found_each_other_on_eharmony/
%
A families car breaks down and they have to spend the night at a seedy hotel...

The husband leans over and whispers to the wife “Jeez, I hope the porns disabled.”
The clerk shouts from behind the counter “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0xaki/a_families_car_breaks_down_and_they_have_to_spend/
%
You could say I'm B.R.O.K.E.

B - Bad
R - At
O - Acronyms
K -
E -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0x8kl/you_could_say_im_broke/
%
What does every teen tree want to be?

Poplar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0x31g/what_does_every_teen_tree_want_to_be/
%
If you ever feel like your life is useless, just remember

that it's someone's job to install blinkers into BMW's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0x24c/if_you_ever_feel_like_your_life_is_useless_just/
%
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans...

Because fish swim in schools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0x0tr/maybe_the_phrase_shooting_fish_in_a_barrel_comes/
%
What’s the difference between making love and having sex?

$50.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0x0jy/whats_the_difference_between_making_love_and/
%
A man walks into a pharmacy...

...and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales lady notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. The lady kindly directs him down the correct aisle and sends him on his way.
A few minutes later, he brings a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and places them on the counter.
Dumbfounded, she says, "Sir, I don't want to be nosy and feel free not to answer me, but I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife. You don't seem to have any and you bought some other, seemingly random things. What gives?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this: Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because "it's sooo much cheaper.  So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0wzoy/a_man_walks_into_a_pharmacy/
%
Doctor: "Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright."

Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike."
Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0wunr/doctor_relax_steven_relax_everything_is_gonna_be/
%
What’s the only PC that can sing?

Adele

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0wum0/whats_the_only_pc_that_can_sing/
%
Why is it impossible to have a 12 inch cock?

Because then it would be a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0wtx9/why_is_it_impossible_to_have_a_12_inch_cock/
%
What's a downside of making EU jokes?

It's very easy to cross the border.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0wtw3/whats_a_downside_of_making_eu_jokes/
%
A cop pulls over a man for swerving on the roads late at night...

The cop says “how high are you, sir?”
The man replies with “no officer I believe it’s ‘hi, how are you?’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0wtt3/a_cop_pulls_over_a_man_for_swerving_on_the_roads/
%
If 'porn logic' were real then....

....I would actually visit my step mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0wnj1/if_porn_logic_were_real_then/
%
I caught my INFOSEC engineer doing cocaine today

On the upside, he's an excellent packet sniffer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0whj0/i_caught_my_infosec_engineer_doing_cocaine_today/
%
I can see one year into the future

My vision is 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0wfbd/i_can_see_one_year_into_the_future/
%
How do you become a monk?

By serving god until it becomes a habit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0wc7d/how_do_you_become_a_monk/
%
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0wby9/i_found_the_first_four_harry_potter_books_to_be/
%
What state has the lead in the United States?

Pencilvania.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0wbr4/what_state_has_the_lead_in_the_united_states/
%
What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?

One sells watches and the other watches cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0wayg/whats_the_difference_between_a_jeweller_and_a/
%
I went to the zoo the other day and there was only a dog in it...

It was a shihtzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0waq2/i_went_to_the_zoo_the_other_day_and_there_was/
%
Defo not heavy

What's Blue and not heavy
Light Blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0w8lx/defo_not_heavy/
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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0w5e9/a_student_visits_the_principals_office_one_day/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson Go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0w0n8/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_go_camping/
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My wife and I have two girls, 18 and 21,

not very practical names now, but they will grow into them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0vtx7/my_wife_and_i_have_two_girls_18_and_21/
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Which rocket is best for getting rid of people?

Dis Missle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0vmz3/which_rocket_is_best_for_getting_rid_of_people/
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I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we’re having for dinner tonight

She replied “i don’t know Dad, Im stumped”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0vl88/i_asked_my_amputee_daughter_if_she_could_guess/
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After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.
Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
"How come sweetie?", said Mum.
"Because I took them off Mum." she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0vki2/after_boasting_to_her_mother_about_how_great_she/
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A man walks into a bar

and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him. So the man walks outside the bar with the lamp, rubs it and sure enough a genie comes out. "Thank you for freeing me. For this, you can have one wish." So the man thinks for a bit and shouts, "I want a million ducks!" and as soon as he said it, money fell from the sky, hundreds and thousands of cash scattered everywhere. So the man collects all the cash and walks back into the bar to return the lamp. The bartender, who witnessed the whole event asks, "Wow, how did you know that the genie was hard of hearing?" "Well," the man replies, "I see this joke posted here every day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0vke0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A soviet judge goes out of his chambers laughing his head off.

A colleague approaches him and asks why he’s laughing.
„I just heard the funniest joke in the world!“
„Well, go ahead, tell me the joke!“ asks the other soviet judge.
„I can’t - I just gave someone ten years for it!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0vin3/a_soviet_judge_goes_out_of_his_chambers_laughing/
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The level of humor when telling dark jokes is like a boat full of refugees on it's way to Italy

It sinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0vhqn/the_level_of_humor_when_telling_dark_jokes_is/
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After intense partying with their friends, brother and sister got back home late at night...

Dad yells, 'It's two days to the exams and where on earth have you both been? Why weren't you answering your phones?'
Daughter: I have been solving the hard math problems all day with my friends and had my cellphone on silent to beat the distractions. I was so exhausted that I slept on the couch and it was late when I woke up.
Dad instantly calls her friend and asks if she has seen his daughter that day. She unwittingly tells the truth and the daughter gets grounded.
Now, it's the son's turn. He repeats the same story.
Dad immediately calls his son's friend, who is all drunk and high, and asks if he has seen his son that day. The friend, despite his inebriated state, realizes what's happening and says 'Yep, he has been studying for the exams with us all day. Poor guy, he got so tired that he even slept on the couch. Do you want me to wake him up?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0vh3t/after_intense_partying_with_their_friends_brother/
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With great power comes

great electricity bills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0vgwl/with_great_power_comes/
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A cabbie picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''
''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''
She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.''
The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''
The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''
''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''
The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0verx/a_cabbie_picks_up_a_nun/
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What’s the difference between an egg and you

An egg gets laid but you don’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0vels/whats_the_difference_between_an_egg_and_you/
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A woman said she recognised me from vegetarian club...

...but I'd never met herbivore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ve72/a_woman_said_she_recognised_me_from_vegetarian/
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A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ve6m/a_texan_buys_a_round_of_drinks_for_all_in_the_bar/
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Big shot lawyer is driving through countryside on beautiful spring Sunday.

He's driving bit fast but there's no one else in sight. Feeling the power of car makes him feel great. He sees a crossroad with a stop sign coming up. Empty roads for miles. He slows a bit and swerves to left and speeds up.
Few moments later he hears sirens and sees red flashing light in rear mirror. Curses loudly and stops to side of the road. Sturdy sheriff walks to lawyers car and asks for license and registrations...
Lawyer: Here. Know that I'm lawyer from NY and I'll get your tickets dismissed in no time.
Sheriff: Mmmhhmm. Right.
Lawyer: That's right. Now lets just leave this here and continue our ways.
Sheriff: Hhrmmm. You were driving too fast and...
Lawyer: Fuck it! There's nobody in sight...
Sheriff: Now, watch the language! Besides speeding you didn't stop at the sign...
Lawyer: You hillbilly moron! I said there's no one in miles...
Sheriff: That doesn't mean you can...
Lawyer: Idiot! I did slow down...
Sheriff: Listen to me, sir! you know that the sign says you to stop and then you stop...
Lawyer: Listen you doughnut gobbling redneck! I said I slowed down! What part you don't understand??
Sheriff: Sir, step out of the vehicle please. Now!
As lawyer steps out sheriff takes his baton and starts pounding lawyer in the head shouting: "Now! Do you want me to slow down or stop??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0va1j/big_shot_lawyer_is_driving_through_countryside_on/
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Let's try this

Why didn't the Mexican archer fire his bow
He didn't hab-an-arrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0v9jl/lets_try_this/
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What do you name a horse that never loses an erection?

"Horneigh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0v8a3/what_do_you_name_a_horse_that_never_loses_an/
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If they ever put me on life support, please pull the plug.

Then push it back in and see if that works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0v6xx/if_they_ever_put_me_on_life_support_please_pull/
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Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head.

"What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.
"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: *WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD*!" replied the customer.
"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like anywhere else," said the bartender.
"I know," continue the head shaker. "One of them has scratched out the phone number!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0uyi1/returning_from_the_mens_room_a_bar_customer_was/
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How do you create a school shooting at a black school?

Call the cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0uxkw/how_do_you_create_a_school_shooting_at_a_black/
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I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0uuor/i_called_my_wife_at_work_and_asked_do_you_ever/
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I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.

I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0uu73/im_trying_to_introduce_my_wife_to_my_scooby_doo/
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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.
"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"
"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ute8/hey_i_heard_china_just_legalized_samesex_marriage/
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A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0unsy/a_guy_finds_his_dog_with_the_neighbors_pet_rabbit/
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When life gives you melons...

.... it means you're dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0umpa/when_life_gives_you_melons/
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Communists just robbed my local fertility clinic...

They were seizing the means of reproduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ukak/communists_just_robbed_my_local_fertility_clinic/
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How much does a Millennial weigh?

An instagram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0uiza/how_much_does_a_millennial_weigh/
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What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?

Lmayo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0uex3/what_do_you_call_a_laughing_jar_of_mayonnaise/
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Why can't you eliminate Satan from Linux?

Because 666 isn't executable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0u8ub/why_cant_you_eliminate_satan_from_linux/
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Did ya’ll hear about the domestic disturbance at the seafood restaurant?

Apparently three fish got battered!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0u8t3/did_yall_hear_about_the_domestic_disturbance_at/
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What do you call a group of gamers out in public?

A rare occurance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0u5k6/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_gamers_out_in_public/
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If a vegan does crossfit and doesn't like Fortnite...

...which do they tell you about first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0u29k/if_a_vegan_does_crossfit_and_doesnt_like_fortnite/
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Two old men living in an old folks home are constantly talking about sex

They talk about past conquests, women they would like to get with and the things they would like to do to them. The head nurse decides that they need to cool off so while they are out playing shuffle board she puts a blow up doll in each of their rooms.
When they return to their they find the surprise and go about their business.
The next morning they meet up at breakfast.
The first old guy says:  You’ll never guess what I found in my room last night.”
His friend replied: if it’s anything like what I found, it was a good time! My girl didn’t move much but I got what I wanted.
The other friend returned: really? Mine was a fire cracker, I think she may have been a witch.
A witch, why do you say that?
Well, I got on top of her, bit her tit and she Hissed at me and flew out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0tyax/two_old_men_living_in_an_old_folks_home_are/
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What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs?

Bikings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0tvnj/what_do_you_call_a_motorcycle_gang_made_up_of/
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Did you hear about the inventor of the knock knock joke?

He won the no-bell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0trwd/did_you_hear_about_the_inventor_of_the_knock/
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Had a plumber install a toilet for me and he was a really nice guy

I feel terrible knowing I’m shitting all over his hard work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0tqfz/had_a_plumber_install_a_toilet_for_me_and_he_was/
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What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0tqb1/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
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Getting laid is a lot like this joke,

None of us get it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0tpc2/getting_laid_is_a_lot_like_this_joke/
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NSFW so my girlfriend and I were having sex and I asked her if she was into anything kinky

" well there is one thing " she said looking kind of uncomfortable
Me: "well what is it?"
Her: "I...... Really like deaf people"
Me: "what???"
And then she came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0tknj/nsfw_so_my_girlfriend_and_i_were_having_sex_and_i/
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I hate when people tell me I look better without my glasses.

So I'm always sure to tell them they look better without my glasses too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0tk1t/i_hate_when_people_tell_me_i_look_better_without/
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Skipping Grade School

A man in his mid-40’s was walking down the street on a school day and noticed a young boy, about 9 yrs old, sitting on a porch eating a huge bag of candy.
Concerned that boy was alone, out of school, and gorging himself on candy, the man approached an asked “Shouldn’t you be in school instead of eating candy?”
The boy responded, “Well, my grandpa lived to be 103 years”
The man: “Oh! Did he eat candy everyday?”
The kid: “No, he minded his own fucking business”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0tj25/skipping_grade_school/
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What’s Harry Potter’s favorite mode of transportation?

Walking
JK.
Rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ths2/whats_harry_potters_favorite_mode_of/
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I'm like a sexual vampire...

...I need to be directly invited before I come inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0tcna/im_like_a_sexual_vampire/
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You can't plant flowers....

...if you haven't botany

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0tc9g/you_cant_plant_flowers/
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Sometimes Jackson Pollock would make paintings by ejaculating all over the canvas.

Whaddaya know, the cock could doodle too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0tbgn/sometimes_jackson_pollock_would_make_paintings_by/
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A toothless beaver walks into a bar and asks...

Is the bar tender here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0t5qj/a_toothless_beaver_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
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I just flew in from Chernobyl

And boy are my arms legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0t4o9/i_just_flew_in_from_chernobyl/
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Slicing cheese isn't just good

It's grate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0t0pa/slicing_cheese_isnt_just_good/
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My uneducated neigbor was planning to grow a flowerbed in his backyard

But then he realised he can't plant flowers as he hadn't botany

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0t0dt/my_uneducated_neigbor_was_planning_to_grow_a/
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A caravan of settlers were on the Oregon Trail

Their Indian guide repeatedly amazed them with his ability to find game and avoid hostile tribes. One day, he reigned in his horse and jumped down and put his head to the ground.
“Buffalo come,” was all he said.
“How can you know that?” Asked one of the amazed settlers.
He looked up and replied “ear sticky.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0syzc/a_caravan_of_settlers_were_on_the_oregon_trail/
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I performed a magic show for my aunt who was in a coma.

Needless to say, she was speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0syj1/i_performed_a_magic_show_for_my_aunt_who_was_in_a/
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an anti vaxx kid is like my phone

it’s supposed to last longer but always dies at ten

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0sxqi/an_anti_vaxx_kid_is_like_my_phone/
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My alphabet has only 25 letters.

And I don't know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0sulw/my_alphabet_has_only_25_letters/
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Dad joke of the day: what sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ss5p/dad_joke_of_the_day_what_sound_does_a_747_make/
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A cheaper way to buy a fence.

Buy only one post, let reddit do the rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0sma3/a_cheaper_way_to_buy_a_fence/
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An entry level nurse walks into a patient's room...

She smiles at him, and says shes just there to give him a sponge bath.
Through his oxygen mask , he asks; "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse is taken aback, and explains again shes just there to bathe him.
He asks again, more firm, "nurse, are my testicles black?!"
"I dont know, sir."
"Will you check?"
The nurse sighs and lifts the mans gown, carefully examining his testicles. after a moment she lowers the gown; "No sir. your testicles are not black."
the man takes off his mask, "honey, that was really nice of you, but listen to me carefully; Are...my...test...results...back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0sm9m/an_entry_level_nurse_walks_into_a_patients_room/
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World's Most Gullible Man

A man is talking to a local at the pub. He goes and introduces himself.
The man then turns to the local and asks, "Have you heard my name before— perhaps in the news?"
The local replies *"No Sir, I have not."*
The man explains how he had "Won the title of the World's Most Gullible Man".
The local remarks in awe, and asks, *"Wow! How does it feel to be the World's Most Gullible Man?"*
The man replies saying, "I don't remember, I recently lost the title."
The local excited by such such news asks, *"My god, when did this happen?"*
The man looks at the local, grinning from ear to ear and replies, "Just now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0skfk/worlds_most_gullible_man/
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[long] This is a joke about my penis.

Well, ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0siz8/long_this_is_a_joke_about_my_penis/
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Breaking news: After reading Matthew 19:24, megachurch pastor Joel Osteen has begun donating large sums of money.

"*Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.*" This simple verse inspired a startling change in one of the richest pastors in history, Joel Osteen.
With great enthusiasm, Mr. Osteen assures the public that a breakthrough camel shrinking process is well on its way to being fully funded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0si6r/breaking_news_after_reading_matthew_1924/
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Why do women from Alabama refuse to do reverse cowgirl?

They don’t believe in turning their back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0sbph/why_do_women_from_alabama_refuse_to_do_reverse/
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I fired my personal trainer today.

I couldn't handle the ab use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0sb9d/i_fired_my_personal_trainer_today/
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I never hit my children

one of the good things about not bein there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0s9dl/i_never_hit_my_children/
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Why don't thieves ever get jokes?

Because they take everything literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0s8l8/why_dont_thieves_ever_get_jokes/
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Three men with tiny body parts meet up...

One has tiny hands, one has tiny feet, and one has a tiny penis. They all think theirs are the tiniest in the world. So they go to Guinness World Records to make it official.
The first guy walks in, and comes out with a plaque in his hand and a big smile on his face, and says, “I have the tiniest hands in the world!”
The second guy walks in, and comes out with a plaque in his hand and a big smile on his face, and says, “I have the tiniest feet in the world!”
The last guy walks in, and comes out empty handed, looking angry, and says, “Who the fuck is u/StevenFitz77 ?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0s3vw/three_men_with_tiny_body_parts_meet_up/
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What do you call Batman in combat?

Combatman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0s361/what_do_you_call_batman_in_combat/
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A woman walked into her doctor’s examination room complaining of pain all over her body.

The doctor walked in, and asked, “What seems to be the trouble?”
“Well, doctor,” said the woman, “when I touch my leg here, it hurts, when I touch my arm over here it hurts, when I touch my breast it hurts, everything hurts! I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
The doctor thought for a moment before saying, “Sounds like you broke your finger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0s2pu/a_woman_walked_into_her_doctors_examination_room/
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The chicks at my junior highschool are awesome - today the hottest girl in my English class passed me a note saying she would blow me after school.

I fuckin love my new teaching job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0rwf9/the_chicks_at_my_junior_highschool_are_awesome/
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What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

WA-TA!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0rvox/what_is_bruce_lees_favorite_drink/
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A bullet may have a name written on it

But a grenade simply says "to whom it may concern"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ru9d/a_bullet_may_have_a_name_written_on_it/
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What's a lesbian neanderthal's favorite past time?

Finger painting caves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0rtoc/whats_a_lesbian_neanderthals_favorite_past_time/
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Did you hear about the wanted dwarf psychic?

He's a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0rswg/did_you_hear_about_the_wanted_dwarf_psychic/
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As we made love she said "Ill let you put it in my ass but you have to turn the light off first"

I really should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0rrnp/as_we_made_love_she_said_ill_let_you_put_it_in_my/
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You need to be extremely talented when you are the cameraman for porno.

It must be hard to film with only one hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0rpky/you_need_to_be_extremely_talented_when_you_are/
%
I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg once. Things weren't going well.

I had to break it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0rjno/i_was_engaged_to_a_girl_with_a_wooden_leg_once/
%
My Favourite Things

My three favourite things are cooking my pets and not using commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0rj4n/my_favourite_things/
%
Whats the difference between jam and jelly?

I can’t jelly this dick in your ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0rid6/whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_jelly/
%
Guys, jokes about girl’s menstruation are NOT funny.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0rhct/guys_jokes_about_girls_menstruation_are_not_funny/
%
what do you get when you put your dick in a sandwich maker?

a paninis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0revq/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_your_dick_in_a/
%
Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes...

Then you’ll be a mile away and you have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0rau0/before_you_criticize_someone_try_walking_a_mile/
%
A British tabloid receives an order for a smear article about an activist...

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.
"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in police records is when he was a student - he saw a mugger robbing a couple in the street, so he ran over, grabbed the guy's knife and chased him off!"
"Brilliant!" the editor exclaims. "Write that witnesses recall seeing him in his youth with a knife during an armed robbery".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0r7u8/a_british_tabloid_receives_an_order_for_a_smear/
%
Theres finally an instructional video on how to last longer in bed...

It's about fucking time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0r7l9/theres_finally_an_instructional_video_on_how_to/
%
Guy goes to hell

He meets Satan who tells him "Hey bud! Ya' know what? I feel generous today, so you get to choose your own damnation!"
"Cool", says the man.
Satan takes him to the first chamber. In there the man sees his worst memory being played to him over and over eternally. He shivers. Satan takes him to the next chamber. In there, the man sees a guy being poked with a hot pitchfork over and over eternally. The man cringes. Then, Satan takes him to the third chamber. In there, the man sees some guy getting a blowjob from a very beautiful woman. The man lights up.
"Well", Satan says, "Which room will it be?"
"The third room, is that for real? I get that forever, no catches or changes?" Asks the man.
"That's right" says Satan, "You get that for all eternity, no catches or changes."
The man thinks for a second.
"I pick room 3."
"3 it is, then." Satan responds. He then walks up to the woman, taps her on the shoulder, and says "You're free to go now, I've found your replacement."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0r72k/guy_goes_to_hell/
%
What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Between you and me, something smells"
(Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0r66k/what_did_the_left_eye_say_to_the_right_eye/
%
Marijuana

Did you hear about the study between the FDA and an independent group of scientists on the use of marijuana to treat arthritis?
It was a joint joint joint study.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0r5gj/marijuana/
%
Doctor: “The results of your bold test have come in.”

Me: “You mean blood test?”
The doctor double-checks the results.
Doctor: “Hm, must be a Type-O.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0r3hi/doctor_the_results_of_your_bold_test_have_come_in/
%
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

##
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.
A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time.
She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so.
We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today.
I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer.
But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship.
The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie...
She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0qyfi/my_girlfriend_started_lying_to_me_because_of_all/
%
Why did the hen share her crayons with the rooster?

So the cock could doodle too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0qufu/why_did_the_hen_share_her_crayons_with_the_rooster/
%
Why can't the dog go shopping?

He can't find a barking spot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0qu51/why_cant_the_dog_go_shopping/
%
My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0qpyb/my_neighbor_shes_single_shes_shapely_beautiful/
%
A man walks into a bar with a crocodile...

The barman says "You can't bring that crocodile in here, Get that fucking thing out of here, NOW!"
The man says "Watch this, he does tricks."
The man pulls out his cock and puts it in the crocodiles mouth, He has a piece of wood which he bashes the crocodile over the head with. The crocodile eagerly starts sucking the mans cock.
The Barman and onlookers can't believe their eyes.
The man makes an offer to the crowd. "Anyone want to try for £1000?"
A young lady takes up the offer, " I'll give it a go, but don't hit me as hard as that crocodile"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0qbmj/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_crocodile/
%
What do they call a grandma who’s quick to respond?

...an InstaGram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0qabo/what_do_they_call_a_grandma_whos_quick_to_respond/
%
When is the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0q74u/when_is_the_best_time_to_go_to_the_dentist/
%
It's little Johnny's first day of a new school. His mum takes the teacher aside and says "unfortunately my ex had a terrible mouth on him, so Johnny swears every other word, try not to let him speak in class". That day they're doing the alphabet...

The teacher says "Who has a word that starts with A?" and little Johnny's hand goes straight up. Teacher thinks 'oh no, lot's of A words he might say' and chooses someone else.
"Who has a word starting with B?" and once again Johnny's hand shoots up. This carries on for every letter until they've finally reached Z.
"So, who has a word starting with Z?" This time, when Johnny's hand goes up, the teacher thinks 'what could he possibly say that's rude and starts with Z?' but still she's nervous as she says "Ok, go for it, Johnny".
"A Zebra, Miss".
Well the teacher is shocked, she was fully prepared for an obscenity. She can't quite believe it...
"A Zebra, Johnny?" she stammers.....
"Yes Miss, a Zebra, with fucking big bollocks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0q72x/its_little_johnnys_first_day_of_a_new_school_his/
%
I'm not saying my wife is a gold digger...

But if she is,  she's really bad at it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0q137/im_not_saying_my_wife_is_a_gold_digger/
%
What do a silver medalist and priest have in common?

They both come in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0pyap/what_do_a_silver_medalist_and_priest_have_in/
%
What is a volcano's favorite spice?

Ground cumin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0pwz0/what_is_a_volcanos_favorite_spice/
%
What do you call your grandmothers husband?

Grandmotherfucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0pvv4/what_do_you_call_your_grandmothers_husband/
%
What’s a dinosaur’s favorite porn?

Your-ass-thicc Park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0pu1r/whats_a_dinosaurs_favorite_porn/
%
A couple of years ago, one night,

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.
Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend .
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0pt0y/a_couple_of_years_ago_one_night/
%
My first day as a car salesman...

Customer: Cargo space?
Me:Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0pqn2/my_first_day_as_a_car_salesman/
%
I like my women like I like my cocaine...

...white, skinny, and kept in line with a credit card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0pqbu/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_cocaine/
%
HELP! The smelly man who just got laid on an oil rig is chasing me with a piece of bent pipe!

It’s an olfactory refractory fracking fractional flak attack!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0pn1p/help_the_smelly_man_who_just_got_laid_on_an_oil/
%
Little Johnny

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."  The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.  The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0phw6/little_johnny/
%
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat, you get Fat.
What? Were you expecting a pi joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0p7ng/what_do_you_get_if_you_eat_314_cakes/
%
I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0p578/im_honestly_convinced_some_women_do_not_fart/
%
Man....I hate shower sex

The drain hurts my dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0p41r/mani_hate_shower_sex/
%
How do you get a sleeping Pokemon to shit itself?

Snorlaxatives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0p3wd/how_do_you_get_a_sleeping_pokemon_to_shit_itself/
%
Why was the wheat bullied?

Because he was in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ov8s/why_was_the_wheat_bullied/
%
Lots of short jokes

You gotta hand it to short people
Because we can’t reach it on our own
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
I’ve been a limo driver for 25 years and haven’t had a single customer.
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it...
My wife was angry at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. But it’s now just water under the fridge.
😉

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ol81/lots_of_short_jokes/
%
I just heard about IG influencers stripping down at Chernobyl

I guess they really want exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ojhp/i_just_heard_about_ig_influencers_stripping_down/
%
What do you call the ant that keeps track of all the food in a colony?

A count Ant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ojdc/what_do_you_call_the_ant_that_keeps_track_of_all/
%
I'm proud that I got 40% on my Latin exam.

After all, you should always XL.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ohwe/im_proud_that_i_got_40_on_my_latin_exam/
%
I went to the music shop to buy a violin, the assistant said "Do you want a bow as well?"..

I said "Don't bother wrapping it"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0oci3/i_went_to_the_music_shop_to_buy_a_violin_the/
%
What do you call 2 gay Irish men?

Micheal Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmicheal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0obvh/what_do_you_call_2_gay_irish_men/
%
Why don’t you fart in an apple store?

Because they don’t have windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0o7bl/why_dont_you_fart_in_an_apple_store/
%
I went to the doctor with hearing problems.

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said" Yes, of course, Homer is a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0o4qz/i_went_to_the_doctor_with_hearing_problems/
%
I tried to make a paper plane, but it didn't go too well

It remained stationery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0o2o6/i_tried_to_make_a_paper_plane_but_it_didnt_go_too/
%
What do kids and tattoos have in common?

Both are permanent, with the exception that they can be removed with a giant laser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0nztu/what_do_kids_and_tattoos_have_in_common/
%
A hearse was driving to the hilltop cemetery.......

......it started to climb up a steep hill out of town.   The hill became steeper and the casket started to slip backwards.   Just prior to the peak of the hill the casket slipped further out of its catches and fell out the back of the hearse.       It started to slide back down the hill gathering speed as it went.   Cars were swerving to avoid it. Faster and faster the casket went back towards town.  Onlookers watched with astonishment.   At the bottom of the hill there was a pharmacy.   The casket smashed through the doors of the pharmacy and ran into the dispensing counter with its momentum making the casket jolt upright and the lid fall forward.   The pharmacist looks up from his paperwork and asks the person inside how he could help him.    “ I was hoping you had something to stop my coffin” was the reply. .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0nzru/a_hearse_was_driving_to_the_hilltop_cemetery/
%
What do you call an Amish woman who just cheated on her husband?

Poly-Esther. (Please don’t kill me I’m stupid.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0nxf1/what_do_you_call_an_amish_woman_who_just_cheated/
%
If Stalin didn't become the leader of the Soviet Union

he would be Starvin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ns4e/if_stalin_didnt_become_the_leader_of_the_soviet/
%
Why don’t the Amish shave their beards?

They don’t want raze-a-barn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0nmdu/why_dont_the_amish_shave_their_beards/
%
A felt seasick on the airplane today

And it sure didnt help that there are tons of people screaming for lifejackets and rafts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0nm88/a_felt_seasick_on_the_airplane_today/
%
Winnie the

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Little Johnny what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ngi9/winnie_the/
%
It's been 30 years..

..and my kidneys still haven't grown into adultneys :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0newz/its_been_30_years/
%
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Stabbing him in the chest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0nabw/whats_the_fastest_way_to_a_mans_heart/
%
A woman arrives running to the police station

Woman: Help, help! I've been graped!
Officer: Do you mean raped?
Woman: No, there was a bunch of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0n9hv/a_woman_arrives_running_to_the_police_station/
%
You: Bastard

Me: You just did
You: I’m not going to do that
Me: This joke only makes sense of you read it backwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0n8al/you_bastard/
%
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals

An attractive university student visits her young professor's office after hours.  Seeing he is still working, she walks in, closes the door, and kneels down in front of him.  "I would do anything to pass this exam."  She pushes his chair back and moves in closer.  "I mean..." she says as she puts her hands on his knees, " I would do...anything."  The teacher, doing his best to maintain his composure, looks down at her and says: “Anything?". “Anything.", she answers assertively. “Absolutely anything?”, he asks. “YES, absolutely anything!”, she responds, eager to please. "Would you...study?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0n422/a_student_visits_her_teachers_office_before_finals/
%
Did you hear about the man who fell in the water at 8.7832 degrees South, 142.5085 degrees West?

He drowned in the Specific

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0n0x1/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_fell_in_the_water/
%
What’s the best thing about a blowjob?

The five minutes of silence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0n0t3/whats_the_best_thing_about_a_blowjob/
%
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0mya6/what_do_you_call_a_witch_that_only_eats_sand/
%
A man driving down the road, slams on his breaks, and honks the horn because there is a car stopped in the middle of the road.

He storms out of his car and looks inside of the parked car to see a naked couple laying inside. He yells at them, "What are you doing in the middle of the road?! Why didn't you move when I honked?"
The naked man in the car yells back, "You were coming, I was coming, and she was coming. You were the only one with brakes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0mvji/a_man_driving_down_the_road_slams_on_his_breaks/
%
How do you make 100 old ladies say Fuck?

You yell out Bingo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0mvbk/how_do_you_make_100_old_ladies_say_fuck/
%
How do anti vaxxers talk to their children?

Through a medium or an ouija board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0mt8r/how_do_anti_vaxxers_talk_to_their_children/
%
Father's Day coming up... let's hear your best dad joke!!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ms2j/fathers_day_coming_up_lets_hear_your_best_dad_joke/
%
I ate a clock yesterday

It was very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0mr9j/i_ate_a_clock_yesterday/
%
The calorific value of gasoline is so high that 2.4 litres of it will power you for the rest of your life..

The whole 48 hours of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0mq2x/the_calorific_value_of_gasoline_is_so_high_that/
%
Girls are like Internet Domain names

the ones I like are already taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0mq16/girls_are_like_internet_domain_names/
%
You know what you get if you finger a gypsy on her period??

Your palm red for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0mnbx/you_know_what_you_get_if_you_finger_a_gypsy_on/
%
I got my wife a “Get Better Soon” card today.

She isn’t sick, I just think she needs to get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0mjdr/i_got_my_wife_a_get_better_soon_card_today/
%
What has 75 balls and screws old ladies

Bingo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0mj1s/what_has_75_balls_and_screws_old_ladies/
%
Kevin Spacey's acting career was like a House Of Cards...

One blow from a kid and it all comes tumbling down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0mf39/kevin_spaceys_acting_career_was_like_a_house_of/
%
A friend of mine told me this morning that I don’t seem to understand irony...

Which itself was ironic since we were at a bus stop at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0m9u0/a_friend_of_mine_told_me_this_morning_that_i_dont/
%
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.

Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.
"What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!"
Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf... we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot."
Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!"
"Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0m465/jane_was_waiting_for_sam_to_return_from_an_outing/
%
Hey guitar players, what's God's favourite chord?

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0m0m0/hey_guitar_players_whats_gods_favourite_chord/
%
Why did the calendar make out a will?

Because its days were numbered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0lv47/why_did_the_calendar_make_out_a_will/
%
"Hurt me" said the masochist.

"No." said the sadist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0lujl/hurt_me_said_the_masochist/
%
A soldier once got attacked by pepper spray and mustered gas

He became a seasoned veteran..........Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0lqes/a_soldier_once_got_attacked_by_pepper_spray_and/
%
A brief history of WWII, told as a bar joke:

An Italian, a German, and an Austrian walk into a bar.
In the bar there’s an American, an Englishman, and a Frenchman, and a Japanese man.
The Frenchman starts talking smack, but when the German throws a punch he immediately surrenders and runs out of the bar.
Meanwhile the Englishman has built a chair fort around his table and is throwing broken beer bottles at the German and the Austrian.
The American just sits there and watches, until the Japanese guy in the corner hits him with a chair, so he gets up and immediately starts kicking the sh\*t out of the German and Japanese guy.
Meanwhile the Italian is f\*\*king around behind the bar trying to steal tips from the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0lhgb/a_brief_history_of_wwii_told_as_a_bar_joke/
%
A woman asked a man at bar (a taxidermist), what he does for a living.

"Oh, you know...stuff."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0lfer/a_woman_asked_a_man_at_bar_a_taxidermist_what_he/
%
There are three rockstars on a plane

. To celebrate the success of their recent tour they each decided to throw something out of the plane. The first throws a watermelon, the second throws yogurt, and the third throws a bomb. When they land they decide to go on a walk. The come across a boy in his yard crying. They asked what’s wrong and he said “I was playing in my yard and a watermelon hit my head and now I have a huge bump” and the first rockstar ran away. The other two continued walking. They come across a girl crying and they asked what’s wrong. She said “I was playing in my yard and yogurt hit my head and now my hair is gross” and the second rockstar ran away. Now it was just one rockstar walking and he came across and old man laughing. He asked what’s so funny and the old man said “I farted and my house blew up”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0lenr/there_are_three_rockstars_on_a_plane/
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My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him...

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0l8ut/my_friend_jay_had_twin_girls_recently_and_he/
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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0kzuu/my_ex_girlfriend_used_to_have_sex_with_fruit/
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Today I was awakened with oral sex

.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0kyu9/today_i_was_awakened_with_oral_sex/
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My wife tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

But I refused, if I'm going to have sex it's going to be on my own Accord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0kxdm/my_wife_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the_hood_of/
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An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week". The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want". Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look , I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0kqad/an_engineer_was_crossing_a_road_one_day_when_a/
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There was this tramp... (possibly world's longest joke)

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.
Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."
"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."
"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.
"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."
"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...
... and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"Okay," agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...
up and up...
below him the ship grew smaller...
on and on...
past a solitary albatross...
and still higher...
till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...
and on still further...
/ till the ocean grew dim...
and the earth itself...
began to shrink...
past our moon...
and on...
and Mars...
and on...
higher, and higher...
through the asteroid belt...
and on and on towards the diving board...
past the outer planets, until...
on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...
he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...
and then...
.' '.
. .
. .
he jumped.
.
.
.
.
:
Slowly at first,
:
but speeding up,
:
:
:
faster, and faster,
:
speeding past Pluto,
:
and the other outer planets,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
through the asteroid belt,
past Mars,
and the moon,
faster,
and faster,
faster - ever faster,
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster,
past the albatross,
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL.........
SMASH!
Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see...
I'm a just poor tramp...
so you must understand...
I've been through many a hard ship in my life."
The end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0kotb/there_was_this_tramp_possibly_worlds_longest_joke/
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Why can't you use beef stew as a password

Because its not stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0knfg/why_cant_you_use_beef_stew_as_a_password/
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I bought a new toilet brush the other day...

Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0knej/i_bought_a_new_toilet_brush_the_other_day/
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I said to my friend "I bet you can't name a single subject, I don't have a joke about" He said " beavers"

"damn" I replied....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0klcx/i_said_to_my_friend_i_bet_you_cant_name_a_single/
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i'm thinking about moving to switzerland

it's flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0kgru/im_thinking_about_moving_to_switzerland/
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Politicians are like diapers

They both need changing often for the same reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ke51/politicians_are_like_diapers/
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What is E. T short for?

Well, His little legs don't help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ka8u/what_is_e_t_short_for/
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My wife keeps trying to annoy me by making bird jokes.

Little does she know Toucan play at that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0k87n/my_wife_keeps_trying_to_annoy_me_by_making_bird/
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What happens when Thomas gets all the infinity stones

He train-scends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0k7nk/what_happens_when_thomas_gets_all_the_infinity/
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First grade teacher: John, how did you manage to stop having spelling errors in your homework this week?

John: My mom is out of town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0k50h/first_grade_teacher_john_how_did_you_manage_to/
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I sold my homing pigeon-

23 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0k4yk/i_sold_my_homing_pigeon/
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A man comes home from work to find his mate fucking his wife

Angry, he stabs the fucker to death.
His wife turns and yells “Carry on like that and you’ll have no mates left!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0k3xp/a_man_comes_home_from_work_to_find_his_mate/
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A guy from Texas is invited to a Halloween costume party while in Chicago on business so he visits a costume shop.

He says, "I'm going to a costume party, and I want to go as Adam."
The girl looks him over, and then brings out a fig leaf.
He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf.
He says, "Honey That's still a little on the small side....."
Not impressed she says, "Listen, Tex, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0k3p3/a_guy_from_texas_is_invited_to_a_halloween/
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A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.

Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road.
But once his pants were around his ankles, she pulled out a gun, bound his wrists to his ankles, robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off in his car.
After hopping beside the road for miles, a trucker happened along and stopped. "What happened?" asked the trucker and the man explained his plight.
The trucker got out of his rig, unzipped his pants, and said, "This just ain't your day, is it, boy?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0jzsp/a_lonely_young_guy_driving_crosscountry_picked_up/
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If I won $300,000, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.

...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $299,999.75 though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0jzlk/if_i_won_300000_id_give_a_quarter_of_it_to_charity/
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What is the definition of a Will?

C'mon guys, it's a dead giveaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0jwly/what_is_the_definition_of_a_will/
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Four mates go camping but they all hate to cook. So, they draw straws to see who cooks first. But, they agree that whoever cooks first will keep cooking until someone complains, and then the person that complains will take over cooking duties...

So, Dave draws the short straw and cooks on the first night. He puts in some effort and the mates are rapturous in their reviews.
“Amazing” says John
“Best meal ever” says Phil
“I wish my wife could cook like this” says Sam.
Dave is flattered but can see that they’re gaming him. So the next night he puts in no effort at all.
“I didn’t think you could top last night but you have” says John
“Have you been taking classes because this is phenomenal” says Phil
“Keep cooking like this and I’ll marry you” says Sam.
They all laugh but Dave knows that the whole trip will now be him cooking.
The third night, Dave takes a dump, rolls it in spices and then fries it. He plates it up and hands out the plates.
John’s teeth are the first to sink into the turd, and as his brain registers what it is, he spits it out and screams, “My god, this is SHIT!”
He quickly looks at the three faces staring back at him and says “but beautifully cooked.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0jw1y/four_mates_go_camping_but_they_all_hate_to_cook/
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What language speaks a typical Belgian beer maker?

Hebrew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ju98/what_language_speaks_a_typical_belgian_beer_maker/
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I hate the discus throw ...

makes me want to hurl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0jsgp/i_hate_the_discus_throw/
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My ex-wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0jorp/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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A guy goes to the doctor..

Guy: “Doctor, whenever i have sex with my wife my dick gets stuck inside her”
Doctor: “That’s impossible”
Guy: “but Its true!! ”
The doctor doesn’t know what to do so he gives him some medicine
The guy returns the next day and tells the doctor that the medicines didn’t help, the doctor is confused but gives him some more medicine.
Next day,
The guy again returns with the same problem. This time the doctor is irritated and tells him to bring his wife in.
The guy bring in the wife next day, the doctor tells them to have sex and prove it. They proceed to have sex but they finish without any problem.
Guy: “ I don’t know how but i think I don’t have that problem anymore”
Doctor: “Well i am not sure how i helped but it seems you problem went away so it’s good”
After a few days, the doctor and the guy are both at a party with their friends,
Doctor to his friends: “ hey guys look at that guy he f**ked his wife in front of me “
The Guy to his friends: “ pay up b*tches, I fucked that hooker in the doctor’s office”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0joip/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
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What's the difference between an electrician and a chemist?

The electrician likes his work to be unionized, while the chemist likes his work to be unionized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0jinw/whats_the_difference_between_an_electrician_and_a/
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What do you call a guy who can't stand?

Neil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0jdzu/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_cant_stand/
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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0jak6/a_guy_goes_to_las_vegas_to_gamble_and_he_loses/
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A guys goes to the doctor...

Doctor says, "what's going on?"
Guy says, "I've got a joke for you. I haven't been getting sex regularly from my wife."
Doctor says, "go on..."
Guys says, "I do house cleaning, laundry and cook for the family on the daily. I take walks with my wife, spend as much time as I can with kids. Coach my kids soccer games. I took a second job so I can give the family a comfortable life."
Doctor says, "I don't get it?"
Guy says, "me neither"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0j9j5/a_guys_goes_to_the_doctor/
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9/11

No joke, but a couple thousand people fell for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0j82j/911/
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A guy was shipwrecked and ended up on an island.

After wandering around for a few hours he was captured by the local tribe of cannibals and taken back to the village. After a good meal and a rest he was taken before the king and told that, as it was the king’s birthday, he would get a chance to live, but only if he passed three tests in three huts.
The first had a keg of rum inside: He had to drink the keg dry.
The second had a tiger with a sore tooth: He had to remove it.
The third had a woman who had never been satisfied: He had to satisfy her.
With confidence he strode into the first, and about an hour later stumbled out plastered.
“Get me to the next hut!” he yelled.
In the second hut all was quiet, and then roars and screams were heard. This was followed by sudden quiet again. As he stumbled out of the hut he roared,
“OK, goddammit, now where’s that
woman with the sore tooth?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0j6z4/a_guy_was_shipwrecked_and_ended_up_on_an_island/
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Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says:

“I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.” Putin asks, “Why blue?” Stalin: "I knew you would not object to the first one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0j591/stalin_appears_to_putin_in_a_dream_and_says/
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A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you’re bringing me bad luck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0j4pr/a_devoted_wife_had_spent_her_lifetime_taking_care/
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What did the grape say after it was stepped on?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ix51/what_did_the_grape_say_after_it_was_stepped_on/
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What is the difference between light and hard?

It is possible to get to sleep with a light on!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0iuh6/what_is_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
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How do you get a Greek boat to move?

Just ϱ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0iugo/how_do_you_get_a_greek_boat_to_move/
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My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0indh/my_teenage_daughter_came_home_from_school_and_she/
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A man wakes up after being rushed to the ER.

Doctor: Ok, so we had to remove your colon after the accident
Man why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ig8m/a_man_wakes_up_after_being_rushed_to_the_er/
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Why does Norway put barcodes on all its ships?

So when they dock they can Scandinavian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ie8i/why_does_norway_put_barcodes_on_all_its_ships/
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What do Hebrews say to each other when they’re zigzagging down a slope?

Shlalom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0idtu/what_do_hebrews_say_to_each_other_when_theyre/
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What do you call a criminal falling down the stairs?

Condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0id8i/what_do_you_call_a_criminal_falling_down_the/
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Get in the House, Lock the Doors, Close the Windows.

It's an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0icaq/get_in_the_house_lock_the_doors_close_the_windows/
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Genie: What's your last wish?

Me: I wish u was free!
Genie: Weird bfreet okay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ibwb/genie_whats_your_last_wish/
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How can you tell you need a new hairdresser ?

The pile of swept-up ears in the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0i6sq/how_can_you_tell_you_need_a_new_hairdresser/
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Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0i3kq/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_when_they_die/
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I like to tell dad jokes.

Sometimes they make him laugh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0i2og/i_like_to_tell_dad_jokes/
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Which part of the body is the last to die?

Pupils, coz they dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ht0z/which_part_of_the_body_is_the_last_to_die/
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Why do Jewish women like circumcised men?

It’s 20% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0hsew/why_do_jewish_women_like_circumcised_men/
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It's actually really easy to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile.

Just find out whether he wants to see you later or in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0hs6i/its_actually_really_easy_to_tell_the_difference/
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A Man Was Driving Down the Road & Ran out of PETROL...

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
”Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow,” the man exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0hpxx/a_man_was_driving_down_the_road_ran_out_of_petrol/
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Im actually a really big entrepreneur i just signed a 2 year deal with general motors

I bought a new car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0hltw/im_actually_a_really_big_entrepreneur_i_just/
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Apparently, Jesus drove a Honda. But he didn't like to talk about it...

"For I did not speak of my own Accord..." - John 12:49

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0hl5c/apparently_jesus_drove_a_honda_but_he_didnt_like/
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How do you stop a group of deaf people from arguing?

Turn off the lights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0hb0q/how_do_you_stop_a_group_of_deaf_people_from/
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If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells...

Does that make them shotgun snails?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0h824/if_shotgun_slugs_are_inside_shotgun_shells/
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How does a "niceguy" measure how hot a woman is?

Incelsius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0h25j/how_does_a_niceguy_measure_how_hot_a_woman_is/
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3 guys crash land on an island and get captured by cannibals

Once they they are brought to the chieftain he tells them what they have to do if they want to live.
"Go in the woods, gather 10 fruits of the same kind. You have as long as you want to do so. Once you're back there will be another task"
The guys then leave to get the fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples.
The chieftain then tells him:
"Now you have to shove all of those apples in your ass, without making any sound"
The guy reluctantly starts putting apples in his bum, but by the 3rd one is in great pains and starts crying. The cannibals then take him and tie him to a tree.
The second one arrives with 10 blueberries. He is also told to put the fruit in his ass. He manages to put 9 and as he was about to put in the last he starts laughing and gets tied to a tree next to his friend.
The first guy asks him "Why did fail? You only had to endure one more."
The second guy replies"Well putting the fruit in my ass wasn't that bad, but i saw the other guy come back with 10 pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0gt0x/3_guys_crash_land_on_an_island_and_get_captured/
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Dark humour is like clean water

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0gsdz/dark_humour_is_like_clean_water/
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A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.

It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention.
He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit her. The father finds it reasonable and tells the sister not to tell people about it as it is embarrassing the brother.
The next day she goes to school and the teacher notices the black eye. The teacher goes up to girl and asks if she is alright. The girl responds that she is fine. The teacher then asks how she got such a nasty black eye. The sister responds, “My father told me not to say.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0gmrb/a_brother_hits_his_sister_in_the_eye_with_a_pool/
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Have you ever tried eating a clock?

I heard it's very time-consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0giuz/have_you_ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
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A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

He says “I don’t want to live in a world where the same joke keeps being posted to Reddit every day.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ghcz/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
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Scientists have finally figured out what's at the bottom of the Mariana's Trench!

water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ged6/scientists_have_finally_figured_out_whats_at_the/
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How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you can throw...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0g31f/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_wall/
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What was the frogs favorite website...

Reddit...reddit...reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0g2gy/what_was_the_frogs_favorite_website/
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A German guy lets his wife travel alone to Paris.

Husband:when will you come back?
Wife:I'll be back from paris after 3 days..
Husband:bring me a present while you come back.I mean bring me an Italian girl,a beautiful one .LOL
_3 days later she returns home_
Husband:where's my present GODDAMIT?
Wife:oh!    wait for nine months...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0fyps/a_german_guy_lets_his_wife_travel_alone_to_paris/
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0fyit/why_did_the_cow_cross_the_road/
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What happens when Frogs park their vehicles illegally?

They get TOAD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0fx35/what_happens_when_frogs_park_their_vehicles/
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As a college girl, I never understood the whole Sorority thing

It's all Greek to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0fwt5/as_a_college_girl_i_never_understood_the_whole/
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What part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0fusj/what_part_of_a_vegetable_is_the_hardest_to_eat/
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I had to break up with my midget girlfriend today.

She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ftk0/i_had_to_break_up_with_my_midget_girlfriend_today/
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So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0fskw/so_a_doctor_has_sex_with_one_of_his_patients/
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree

Hold onto your nuts this is no ordinary blow job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0frmx/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_tree/
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Knock knock

You: Who’s there?
Me: Smell mop.
You:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0fp4k/knock_knock/
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2013: Didn't jog - 2014: Didn't jog - 2015: Didn't jog - 2016: Didn't jog - 2017: Didn’t jog - 2018: Didn’t jog - 2019: Still haven’t jogged

This is a running joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0fm1d/2013_didnt_jog_2014_didnt_jog_2015_didnt_jog_2016/
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You ever realize life is like toilet paper??

One minute your on a roll, next your taking shit from some asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0flfl/you_ever_realize_life_is_like_toilet_paper/
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what kind of bagel can fly?

a plain bagel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0faln/what_kind_of_bagel_can_fly/
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The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says, "This is my friend Octobud. He's a musician." She giggle's and goes about her business. Octodad discreetly pulls a chair closer while the music plays. It's an open mic night so all kinds of people with different instruments want to get up and jam.
When the song is over Octodad stands up on the chair and proclaims, "My name is Octodad and this here is my pet octopus and he can play any instrument at all!" People guffaw. Pfft, yea right buddy, get lost. "I'm serious!" He shouts. "His name is Octobud and I'll bet anyone in here $50 he can play any instrument you put in front of him!"
The crowd giggles and stirs as expected for a couple of minutes while the mood kind of settles until the trumpet player, just walking off stage says, "All right man. Let's see what your little buddy can do!"
Octobud picks up the trumpet, wipes off the mouthpiece (because ew jazz players), and begins to trumpet out a medley so soothing and soft one girl even starts crying. People are shocked when the song is over. Jaw dropped staring at an octopus on a bar.
Octodad takes the $50 off the table. "Any others want to try and stump my little friend here?" And the crowd piles forward cheering and reaching for their money and any weird instruments they brought with them. People are running out the door to run home and get instruments like that weird thing with strings Aunt Bertha brought back from Uganda that one time....
A trombone was next. Dude thought OG'Puss couldn't reach(dabbingoctopus.jpg). Wrong. Cello player thinking Octobud couldn't use his suckers on a neck. Wrong. The house drummer actually tried. Like c'mon man it's a frigging octopus, of course he nails the drums. Gloriously.
Now while all this was going on it was a peaceful night outside. Old Angus Mc'Cloud saw the octopus come in and heard Octodad sing his little buddies praises. That brought on a smirk when he heard that.
...off to home he went...
On Angus's way back into the bar with a sack under his arm, little Octobud was really starting to draw a crowd! People were still cramming into the place to watch that little slimy dude play some crazy lick's man!
Upon entering there was a cacophony of maracas and tambourines, and somehow a cymbal from the ceiling fan, being played by Octobud who is now on stage and people are cheering him on. Good\_times.woodcut
So when the song is over Angus takes his bag from under his arm and heads for the stage. "Ay ye wee cunt. Ae wanna see ya trinnea play a diddly on this little doozy." \*record scratch\* Nobody has seen bagpipes in that bar since that time in 1994 when those tourists got lost on the way to that wedding Carl was supposed to cater for...
The crowd is hushed. Octobud is inspecting the bagpipes, tilting his head left and right, blinking a little too hard maybe... Octodad leans over and kind of whispers, "Hey bud, c'mon. You can play this right?" To which Octobud replies,
"Play it?! As soon as I figure out how to get its pajama's off I'm going to fuck it!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0fa05/the_octopus_joke_retold/
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A secretary knocks on God's door.

"The atheists are here to see you" she says.
God replies, "Tell them I'm not here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0f3yz/a_secretary_knocks_on_gods_door/
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A poor Mexican family is having a child.

Too poor to have an ultrasound or checkup for their baby, they know nothing about the child, not even it's gender.
The day finally came, but she encountered an unexpected turn of events. Instead of giving birth to one child, she unknowingly had identical twins. Knowing they couldn't support the two boys, the family decided they must give one up for adoption. They would name their child Juan.
*
Twelve years pass, Juan has grown up to be a wonderful basketball player, and his parents are very proud of him. But they still have an itching temptation to tell Juan of his backstory.
After a while of discussion, they decide to give him the news. When his parents finish, Juan is overwhelmed, yet excited. He tries his best to reach out and try to find his twin.
After searching for some time, he finally tracks his twin down. He had been adopted by a Muslim family at two months old, and his family had named him Amahl. Amahl had also found a way into basketball, and enjoyed many of the same activities as Juan.
Bursting with excitement, he begs his parents to travel to America and meet him. Sadly, after contacting Amahl's parents, they learn that neither family has enough money to travel to the other's country.
But then, during a phone call with Juan's father, the Muslim father has an epiphany.
"We don't need to meet up."
"Why not?"
"Well, our kids look exactly the same, both love basketball, and enjoy all the same activities. We don't need to see the other."
"I still don't understand... what are you getting at?"
"Well, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0f3rj/a_poor_mexican_family_is_having_a_child/
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In 1905 Albert Einstein published his theory about space.

And it was about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0f2lu/in_1905_albert_einstein_published_his_theory/
%
When I was younger I loved wafting sightly cooler air towards people

These days I'm less of a fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0etjb/when_i_was_younger_i_loved_wafting_sightly_cooler/
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I asked my Rabbi if he charged for his Circumcision.

He told me no he just keeps the tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0erqy/i_asked_my_rabbi_if_he_charged_for_his/
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Do you think we should bring your Grand father's ashes to the party?

Sister: No, we probably dont need to
Me: No, I dont think its necessary
Uncle: No, I think it's dead weight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0eq2l/do_you_think_we_should_bring_your_grand_fathers/
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A family goes to the zoo...

and when they get there, they decide to split up so they can see more animals. The little boy goes with his mother, and after they walk for a bit he points and says, "Mommy, what's that?!" She tells him that it's a monkey. Soon after he points again, asking "Mommy, what's that?" She tells him that it's a giraffe...and on an on, until they get to the elephant, when he points and says "Mommy, what's that?" She says "That's an elephant!", but he points underneath the elephant and says "No, Mommy, what's that?" She sees where he is pointing, gets embarrassed, looks away, and says "That's nothing, sweetie, that's nothing."
A while later the family meets back up, and the boy begins walking the zoo with his father. They walk for a bit and the boy asks "Dad, what's that?" "Well, son, that's a bear." A bit later, "Dad, what's that?" "That's a penguin!" ...and on and on, until they arrive once again at the elephant, when the son points and says "Dad, what's that?" "Well, son, that's an Elephant." The boy shakes his head and says, "No, Dad, I mean underneath", so the dad looks where he is pointing and says,
"That's the elephant's penis, son."
"Well, how come when I asked Mom she said it was nothing?"
The father thinks for a moment, then says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0en9u/a_family_goes_to_the_zoo/
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What's the worst thing about being a black Jew?

You have to sit at the back of the oven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0el80/whats_the_worst_thing_about_being_a_black_jew/
%
Which bees eat brains?

Zombies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ekdx/which_bees_eat_brains/
%
What's the difference between an archeologist and a grave robber?

Timing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0eggs/whats_the_difference_between_an_archeologist_and/
%
I just went to Japan and didn't see a single ninja there

Impressive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0eetx/i_just_went_to_japan_and_didnt_see_a_single_ninja/
%
At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.
"Evening officer."
"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"
"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0eemn/at_1155_pm_a_cop_drives_by_a_park_and_sees_a/
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A man walks into a bar, “wanna hear a trump joke?”

The bartender puts down the rag he was cleaning with and looks up. “Buddy, before you go and tell that joke I think you ought to know I voted for mr. Trump... see those big guys down at the end of the bar? They voted Trump as well. Now, are you sure you wanna tell your little joke?”
The man looks at the bartender, then at the two big guys at the bar. They stare back at him, and he shakes his head, “well no. Not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0e9s3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_wanna_hear_a_trump_joke/
%
Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0e9lk/why_cant_helen_keller_drive/
%
What happens when a famous super spy becomes homeless?

“The name’s bond— Vagabond.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0e4xs/what_happens_when_a_famous_super_spy_becomes/
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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be saved or you'll burn.

Stupid firemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0e32x/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/
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A Priest, A Rabbi, and a Minister

are in a boat out in the middle of a lake. The priest says, “I’m thirst, I’m going to go get something to drink.” So he steps out of the boat, walks across the water to shore, grabs a soda, and walks back to the boat and climbs in. The minister says, “I’m getting thirsty too.” And he hops out of the boat and walks across the water to shore, gets a soda and walks back to the boat. The Rabbi says, “My turn,” he gets out of the boat and sinks like a rock. The priest turns to the minister, “Think we should have told him where the rocks were?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0dzb2/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_minister/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a wheel in his crotch...

The bartender asks “Hey, what’s up with the wheel?”
The pirate then responds, “Argh, is driving me nuts!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0dy3x/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_wheel_in_his/
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After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the attractive girl at the end of the bar. “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

*She yells, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight, you pig!”*
*Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table, redfaced.*
*After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.”*
*To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, “What do you mean $200 for a BJ?”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0dsyb/after_an_hour_of_gathering_up_his_courage_a_shy/
%
What's the difference between politics and anatomy?

In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0dmnh/whats_the_difference_between_politics_and_anatomy/
%
I cant believe people think the moon landing is real...

It's still in the sky. How could it have landed?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0dm73/i_cant_believe_people_think_the_moon_landing_is/
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I have two words

I can’t count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0djba/i_have_two_words/
%
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide...

The librarian says "Fuck off! You're not gonna bring it back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0di9l/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
%
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is a little heavy, one is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0df6q/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
My barber cut my hair too short for my liking...

But it's slowly growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ddi4/my_barber_cut_my_hair_too_short_for_my_liking/
%
What do you call a soldier who has survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0dbs7/what_do_you_call_a_soldier_who_has_survived/
%
How many Alzheimers patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0d9lr/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Let's go ride bikes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0d2rw/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
What has four legs and an arm?

A happy pit bull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0cvm8/what_has_four_legs_and_an_arm/
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Genders are like the Twin Towers.

There used to be two, but now it’s a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0cokq/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
At a European airport I saw a guy with a really long and very thin suitcase.......

I went up to him and asked: “Tell me, are you a Pole Vaulter?”
He replied: “Nein, I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0cnxp/at_a_european_airport_i_saw_a_guy_with_a_really/
%
Julius Caesar just visited Pornhub for the first time

He came, he saw, he came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0clhi/julius_caesar_just_visited_pornhub_for_the_first/
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I went fishing yesterday

It was off the hook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0cklr/i_went_fishing_yesterday/
%
Cake



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0cjrl/cake/
%
Watch what you buy on ebay...be careful you check out the sellers..I sent $95 for a penis enlarger

...basturds sent me a magnifing glass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0cjoo/watch_what_you_buy_on_ebaybe_careful_you_check/
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I told my family that there should be plenty of bongs and blunts at my funeral.

It’ll be a true wake and bake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0cidg/i_told_my_family_that_there_should_be_plenty_of/
%
Osama Bin Ladin was actually kinda hot.

I’d rate him a solid 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ch6c/osama_bin_ladin_was_actually_kinda_hot/
%
Why can't Keanu Reeves ride a horse?

Everytime the horse moves, Keanu Reeves says "Woah."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0cf5d/why_cant_keanu_reeves_ride_a_horse/
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I went on a date with a woman who spoke in similes all night......

...... I now don’t know what i metaphor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0cedk/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_woman_who_spoke_in/
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Waiter: “And how would you like your steak cooked?” Me: “ Like winning an argument with my wife.”

Waiter: “Rare it is.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0cd4o/waiter_and_how_would_you_like_your_steak_cooked/
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Sam was broke. He had recently been made redundant and his savings were almost fully spent. [Long]

He wasn't having much luck getting a job either.  With a family to feed, he was getting desperate.
So Sam did something he rarely did, went to the local church, knelt down, and prayed.
"God," he said, "I've been a good man all my life.  I've worked hard, I'm raising my children well, I love my wife.  But I've fallen on hard times. Please, God, help me to win the lottery".
A few days later he goes back to the church.
"Hi, God, it's me again, Sam.  I'm still down on my luck, there's no sign of me being able to get a job.  I'm a good man, and have been all my life.  I only ask you this one thing, to please help me win the lottery".
A few more days pass, and Sam is back in the church.  He's not so happy, though.
"God, it's Sam.  I'm almost at rock bottom here. And I've only asked you this one small thing. Why, God, haven't you helped me?"
With this a voice boomed from the heavens:
SAM, YOU'VE GOT TO MEET ME HALF WAY HERE.  GO AND BUY A FUCKING TICKET!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ccwi/sam_was_broke_he_had_recently_been_made_redundant/
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What's black and white and red all over?

Comrade Penguin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0c882/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
%
What does Keanu Reeves and a serial killer who strangle his victims have in common?

They are both breathtaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0c7vu/what_does_keanu_reeves_and_a_serial_killer_who/
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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0c5lz/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
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What kind of women get the most flowers on March 8?

The ones who die on March 7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0c4zs/what_kind_of_women_get_the_most_flowers_on_march_8/
%
Why do people with small dicks have a bad memory

I forgot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0c3bf/why_do_people_with_small_dicks_have_a_bad_memory/
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My favourite word is butthole.

It has a nice ring to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0c35m/my_favourite_word_is_butthole/
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What's the internal body temperature of a tauntaun?

Lukewarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0c2rh/whats_the_internal_body_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
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How did Pinocchio realise he's made of wood?

He jerked off and caught on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0c0v9/how_did_pinocchio_realise_hes_made_of_wood/
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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0bzpw/why_did_the_monkey_fall_out_of_the_tree/
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A joke I thought of today

If a guy goes to lunch with a girl, he’s a boyfriend
If a guy goes to lunch with two girls, he’s a stud.
If a guy goes to lunch with three girls, he’s gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0byke/a_joke_i_thought_of_today/
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Wife threatened to leave me

My wife threatened to leave me because of my “filthy and disgusting habits.”
I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0bxby/wife_threatened_to_leave_me/
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What do politics and airplanes have in common ?

You need both right and left wings, or you crash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0bwik/what_do_politics_and_airplanes_have_in_common/
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My wife asked me to stop singing “I’m a Believer” by The Monkeys. At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0bvfo/my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_singing_im_a_believer_by/
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My family has a chronic diarrhea problem.

I guess you could say it runs in our genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0bup4/my_family_has_a_chronic_diarrhea_problem/
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People tell me I'm obsessed with getting vengeance.

They'll pay for that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0btcj/people_tell_me_im_obsessed_with_getting_vengeance/
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I don’t like political humor

It’s too taxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0bt1u/i_dont_like_political_humor/
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0bsc5/a_husband_comes_home_to_find_his_wife_with_her/
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An apple a day can keep anyone away

as long as you throw it hard enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0bqm3/an_apple_a_day_can_keep_anyone_away/
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Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party with their girlfriends.

The party invitation says to come dressed as an emotion. After a day of deliberating, they all agree to meet at Sven’s place before going to the party. Just before Sven is about to put his costume on, there’s a knock on the door. Outside is his girlfriend, Hilda, who’s dressed head to toe in bright green scales and a flowing emerald dress.
“Oh gosh, Hilda. You sure look good!” Says Sven. “What’s your costume supposed to be?”
Hilda gives her dress a twirl and declares, “Oh I am the emotion of envy!”
Before Sven can reply, Ole’s gal Lena rounds the corner in a long red dress, her hair dyed the color of flames. Sven lets out a whistle and says, “Oh gosh, Lena! That’s quite da costume! What are you supposed to be?”
Lena curtsies with a giggle and says, “Why, I am the flame of burning love.”
Before either of them can compliment her, Ole rounds the corner, stark naked except for an old rubber tire held around his middle. “Good lord!” Sven says, “Ole! What on earth are you supposed to be?”
Ole grins back at him and says, “Oh, me?” He says, “I am de spare!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0bged/ole_and_sven_are_invited_to_a_costume_party_with/
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I tried to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal.

It turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0bdjk/i_tried_to_impress_a_girl_by_putting_my_foot_down/
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I recall my first time with a condom.

I was 16 or so and I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and BOOM, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0b9ed/i_recall_my_first_time_with_a_condom/
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Apparently Sarah Sanders has quit her job.

I won’t believe the news until I hear her personally deny it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0b8ly/apparently_sarah_sanders_has_quit_her_job/
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Doctor’s checkup

A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says, "Do you know what I am doing?" he replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her breast. He says, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer."
Finally, he tells her to takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her”
“He says, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, getting herpes. That's why I am here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0b6no/doctors_checkup/
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Heard This Joke On Qi

Three candidates for a job as CIA hitman,
First one is told, “ your wife is tied to a chair in that room, you have to take this pistol and kill her”
After two minutes, he comes out the room saying “I couldn’t do it “. The trainer tells him “if you can’t kill your wife, you can’t be a CIA hitman “.
Next candidate is in the room for two minutes, leaves crying, “no way, I couldn’t do it”.
The third candidate is told “your husband is tied to a chair in that room, take this gun and kill him”.
Immediately the trainer hears six shots, then a lot of commotion and shouting screams and after ten minutes the candidate walks out of the room, “you could’ve told me that they were blanks, I had to beat him to death with a table leg”!
(Credit To Steven Fry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0b6a6/heard_this_joke_on_qi/
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Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0b65b/job_interviewer_and_where_would_you_see_yourself/
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Dogs

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”
“I know,” says the second dog owner.
“How do you know?”
“My dog told me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0b5x8/dogs/
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I was in a bar a few months ago with a friend and these four huge bastards started mouthing off to us

"Pretend we're the Police." my friend says.
I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0b1qq/i_was_in_a_bar_a_few_months_ago_with_a_friend_and/
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Mastrubation is just like racism

I don't condone it, but I’m pretty good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0azz2/mastrubation_is_just_like_racism/
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I picked up a hitchhiker the other day.

He asked me "Aren't you a little wary of picking up hitch hikers? What if I'm a serial killer?"
To which I replied "What's the chance of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0aprm/i_picked_up_a_hitchhiker_the_other_day/
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Chernobyl is just like Disney land

The only difference? The 7 foot mouse is actually real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0aomz/chernobyl_is_just_like_disney_land/
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What make of car do cowboys drive?

Audi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0aknr/what_make_of_car_do_cowboys_drive/
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You: Dammit

Me: You just did
You: I'm not going to
This joke can only be understood by reading backwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ajyz/you_dammit/
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What is the worst response to I love you?

I love Emilia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ajea/what_is_the_worst_response_to_i_love_you/
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What's the difference between a magic wand and a police taser?

One is for cunning stunts ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0aj8b/whats_the_difference_between_a_magic_wand_and_a/
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A black guy and his parrot walk into a bar

The bartender says wow that's really cool where did you get it
The parrot says Africa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0aio5/a_black_guy_and_his_parrot_walk_into_a_bar/
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Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.

The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders. Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’ The man took the gun, but then hesitated and said: ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
Next it was the second man’s turn to be interviewed. The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders. Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’ The man took the gun, walked out again. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can’t do it.’
Finally it was the third man’s turn. The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders. Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’ The man took the gun and went into the room. The agent heard six shots, silence, then a lot of screaming. Seconds later the man came out of the room, saying: ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ahgf/three_men_attend_a_job_interview_to_join_the_fbi/
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What sound does a tiny cow make

µ
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
---
^(Please ignore this text. It's only here to add more words because a single letter joke gets removed by the mods, who don't subscribe to the belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for not reading this message.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0acay/what_sound_does_a_tiny_cow_make/
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What do you call a Russian napkin.......

....... a soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0ac0d/what_do_you_call_a_russian_napkin/
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The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote, so he gives them a test...

He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given.
He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son.
"How much digging have you been able to do?" He asks
"3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work"
The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well.
"10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage."
The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son.
"How much mining have you been able to do?" Asks the father
"35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget."
The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping "How were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?"
"I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0a7ay/the_boss_of_a_mining_company_is_trying_to_decide/
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A blonde lady cop pulls over a blond lady driver

The cop approaches and says license and registration please. The blonde driver says what’s a license? The blonde cop rolls her eyes and says it’s a little rectangular thing with your face on it. The driver searches in her purse and finds a make-up mirror, seeing her face she says Oh! Here it is. The blonde cop takes it looks at it and says Okay, you’re free to go. Why didn’t you tell me you were a police officer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0a3ub/a_blonde_lady_cop_pulls_over_a_blond_lady_driver/
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Every naked person I see turns me on

Said the shower head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0a284/every_naked_person_i_see_turns_me_on/
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I saw an Australian guy playing Mamma Mia on his Didgeridoo.

I thought, that's "ABBAriginal".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0a19s/i_saw_an_australian_guy_playing_mamma_mia_on_his/
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Four freshman partied too hard during a music festival and unable to make it back for their final exam the next day

As they drove back to the college, they tried to think of a good excuse. Finally, they agreed to the same story: a tire was blown in the middle of nowhere at mid night so they were stuck. They each sent the professor an email asking to retake the exam and gave the excuse. The understanding professor said it's fine and ask them to take it the next day, but for fairness they would have to take a different exam.
The next day they came to the exam room, and as per usual procedure, each obtained a copy of the exam and sat in a corner. The classroom was big and empty, the professor sat and watched them, so they were nervous. Fortunately, the questions on the first page are fairly easy. Even though these questions only worth 10/100 points, it calmed them down a bit. So they quickly finished the first page at the same time and turned to the second page. There was a single question on it:
(90/100) Which tire was blown?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c09zcp/four_freshman_partied_too_hard_during_a_music/
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As I parked, my friend said I wasn’t totally perpendicular to the wall.

I checked on it and I guess he was right to a certain degree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c09rxr/as_i_parked_my_friend_said_i_wasnt_totally/
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So, a woman places a classified ad in a newspaper.

She requests a man who won't run away, won't beat her, and is good in bed. One day, her doorbell rings.
She opens the door to see a quadruple amputee. She proceeds to say, "Why are you here?
"I'm responding to your ad."
"Why?"
"I have no legs, so I can't run away. I have no arms, so I can't beat you."
"Are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c09c7y/so_a_woman_places_a_classified_ad_in_a_newspaper/
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My girlfriend's tights have ripped

They're on their last legs now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c098xn/my_girlfriends_tights_have_ripped/
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A farmer strolls over to visit his neighbor, and finds him dancing, naked, in the barn in front of the farm equipment.

The farmer gasps, "Whoa! What are you doing?!"
His neighbor replies, "Well, me and the wife haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and our therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c097ei/a_farmer_strolls_over_to_visit_his_neighbor_and/
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Two police officers crash their car into a tree.

After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c092gu/two_police_officers_crash_their_car_into_a_tree/
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I just realized my phone unlocks whenever I say "Bukkake"

I guess I had facial recognition turned on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c08x0m/i_just_realized_my_phone_unlocks_whenever_i_say/
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I bought my Nan a stair lift and she told me she hates it.

It’s been driving her up the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c08v04/i_bought_my_nan_a_stair_lift_and_she_told_me_she/
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Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?

But most just have 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c08qxp/did_you_know_crocodiles_could_grow_up_to_15_feet/
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Did you ever realize that they never say Yoda's last name in any Star Wars movie?

Its Leyheehoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c08qvq/did_you_ever_realize_that_they_never_say_yodas/
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If the wages of sin are death

Do women get paid 30% less death?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c08npx/if_the_wages_of_sin_are_death/
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My parents treat me like a god...

...they don't believe in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c08lwc/my_parents_treat_me_like_a_god/
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My agent told me that our music is fine but physically we are too skinny and need a bigger stage presence.

In other words we need more bandwidth.
...
I'll let myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c08js7/my_agent_told_me_that_our_music_is_fine_but/
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It’s actually illegal for a cloud to have a bad attitude...

Fortunately it’s only a mist demeanor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c08is5/its_actually_illegal_for_a_cloud_to_have_a_bad/
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My 6yo came up with this “Knock knock” joke and it’s one if the best I heard!

- Knock knock
- Who’s there?
- Ach
- Ach who?
- Bless you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c08b5i/my_6yo_came_up_with_this_knock_knock_joke_and_its/
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What is the difference between a Tesla and Hitler

Tesla has no gas bills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c08a7m/what_is_the_difference_between_a_tesla_and_hitler/
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Susan and Tom were caught in a terrible car accident

and found themselves standing before God at the entrance to Heaven. God looks down at them and says,
“You both have done well on Earth and have earned my love, you may.....”
Tom interjects, “Did we really die? I can’t remember any of it.”
God looks at Tom, a bit disgruntled about being interrupted, and responds,
“Yes, you died in a car crash. As I was saying, you both have done well on Eart...”
Tom pipes up, “but what about Rambo, my kitten?!”
God, clearly agitated, stares down an oblivious Tom and says,
“Rambo is fine. He will live with your sister and have a happy life. Now, to finish what I have been trying to tell you, you have both done wel...”
Tom asks,
“where is the nearest bathroom?”
God looks at Susan and says,
“If Tom interrupts me one more time, you both will lose my love and no longer be permitted into Heaven”.
Susan angrily glares at Tom and exclaims,
“For the love of God, shut up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c086pb/susan_and_tom_were_caught_in_a_terrible_car/
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Bullets are quite weird...

They only do their job after they are fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c083s8/bullets_are_quite_weird/
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Are the testes and prostate the same thing?

No, there's a vas deferens between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0817m/are_the_testes_and_prostate_the_same_thing/
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A young sailor about to on his first ever around the world cruise" visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

"Gramps, I'm so excited to go on my first cruise," he says.
"Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you're taking everything you need," says the grandfather.
The sailor goes and grabs his suitcase. He opens it for his grandfather to inspect, only to get smacked on the back of the head.
"Boy, you're going around the world. Where's your pills for motion sickness? What if you get sea sick. You don't want to embarrass yourself. Also, where's your condoms? You'll stop in many ports and meet many women. You don't know what they have or don't. Be safe."
The sailor ran to the local pharmacy and bought a bottle of Dramamine and a pack of condoms. He returned to his grandfather and showed them to him.
"Are you going for one day?! That's not enough." said the grandfather, so the sailor went back to the pharmacy and bought 10 more packs of Dramamine and 10 more packs of condoms.
"Are you kidding?" asked the grandfather when he came back. "You're going around the world. That's at least 6 months."
The sailor ran off to the pharmacy again, and as he walked in, yelled to the pharmacist, "100 more packs of Dramamine, and 100 more packs of condoms!"
The pharmacist looks at him and replies: "Young man, it may not be any of my business, but if she makes you that nauseous, why are you still fucking her?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c07vs9/a_young_sailor_about_to_on_his_first_ever_around/
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I left my job as a school teacher to join the military

The risk of getting shot was just too damn high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c07onb/i_left_my_job_as_a_school_teacher_to_join_the/
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Son: Mom, why is my sister called Teresa?

Mom: Because Teresa is an Anagram and if you re-arrange the letters, it spells Easter. We love Easter!!
Son: Oh I see. Thanks mom!
Mom: My pleasure Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c07mva/son_mom_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
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What’s the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a Lamborghini

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c07kln/whats_the_difference_between_a_pile_of_dead/
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Whistle

I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle, so I bought a steel whistle but it steel wooden whistle, so I bought a lead whistle but it steel wooden lead me whistle.
Buh-dum-ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c07ffe/whistle/
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Little Johnny walks into a whore house

He walks up to the guy at the counter, and before he can say anything, puts wad of bills on the counter.
"I wanna fuck the girl with the most STDs you have."
The man looks at the cash, then directs him to a room in the back. The kid goes into the door, and after 15 minutes, walks back out.
Before he can leave, the man at the counter stops him "Why would you want that? You basically just screwed your whole life up."
Johnny looks at him and says "My parents are going out tonight. When their gone, I'm gonna fuck the babysitter. Then my dad will take her home and fuck her at her house. When he gets back, he and my mom will fuck, and when he leaves for work in morning, My mom 's gonna fuck the neighbor."
The man looks at him worriedly "What on earth does that have to do with this?"
Johnny screams "The neighbors the motherfucker who ran over my dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c07d9k/little_johnny_walks_into_a_whore_house/
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"I" before "E"

Except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters....
WEIRD!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0793p/i_before_e/
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What do you call the feverish spread of strongly worded arguments against very lame and badly functioning replacement arms that tell the future while composing strictly written limericks while moving from place to place?

A parapatetic pathetic prophetic pedantic poetic paretic prosthetic polemic pandemic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c075de/what_do_you_call_the_feverish_spread_of_strongly/
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The $50 Cruise

A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist. Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad. He opens the door to a small office and is  knocked unconscious from behind.
He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean.
"Well, this sucks", he thinks out loud.
A second man floats by, also tied to a barrel.
"Tell me about it", the second man replies, "This is worse than last year".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0700v/the_50_cruise/
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After returning from his honeymoon...

...with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old
barbershop inJersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida?"
Luigi, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she packa
big basket a food. ...She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were
lookina forward to da trip, and open
upa da luncha basket. The conductore come
aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'No eat indisa ca'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta
at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car!
Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga
'is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'
So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed. We just
about to go boombada boombada .... and the conductore, he walka through da hallway
shouting at a top of his a voice.. 'Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia!'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna driva my car...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c06yc5/after_returning_from_his_honeymoon/
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People tend to avoid me, since I have schizophrenia...

But at least I have each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c06xj6/people_tend_to_avoid_me_since_i_have_schizophrenia/
%
Everyone keeps talking about these “safe spaces”...

well call me old fashioned but I’m going to keep calling them banks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c06xeu/everyone_keeps_talking_about_these_safe_spaces/
%
Did my girlfriend find me sexually unsatisfying?

A small part of me says yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c06tir/did_my_girlfriend_find_me_sexually_unsatisfying/
%
What’s a girl with a foot fetish’s favorite candy?

Mentos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c06qbg/whats_a_girl_with_a_foot_fetishs_favorite_candy/
%
I told my wife I was cold

She said go sit in the corner, its 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c06nfx/i_told_my_wife_i_was_cold/
%
There were 2 brothers, one who could see what animals were thinking but couldn't speak, the other could see what fellow humans were thinking and could speak

One day they get an idea, they would go around visiting people with pets, the one who could read animal minds would find anything the pet disliked about their life, then the one who could read human minds would read their brother's mind  and inform the owner.
They both begin their business and get their first client, they keep going for a while, becoming quite successful.
After a while the one who could speak wonders something.
"Hmm, I wonder why all the pets we've read the minds of are thinking about porn"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c06n6i/there_were_2_brothers_one_who_could_see_what/
%
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They will eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c06m5x/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
%
3 guys in camping in one tent

The guy on the left dreamed a beautiful blond was giving him a handjob. The guy on the right dreamed a georgous redhead was giving him a handjob. The guy in the middle dreamt he was skiing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c06ex6/3_guys_in_camping_in_one_tent/
%
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one,but the lightbulb really has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c069un/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Where did Billy go during the bombings?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c06974/where_did_billy_go_during_the_bombings/
%
Genie: "You have one more wish", Me: "I wish I was invisible"...

Gene: Wsh granted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c068wc/genie_you_have_one_more_wish_me_i_wish_i_was/
%
What's it like to be an aspiring writer?

It's difficult to put into words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c062lc/whats_it_like_to_be_an_aspiring_writer/
%
At a funeral

Visitor: Whats the wifi password
Priest: Respect the dead
Visitor: All upper case?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0625t/at_a_funeral/
%
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.

I walked in and caught *her* masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
There's no justice in this world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0612x/my_sister_walked_in_and_caught_me_masturbating/
%
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you...

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c060sw/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i/
%
IKEA won't stop calling me!

Why can't they accept I only wanted one night stand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c06039/ikea_wont_stop_calling_me/
%
What does Marvin the Martian put on his toast?

Space Jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c05yt6/what_does_marvin_the_martian_put_on_his_toast/
%
I went outside today.

The graphics were excellent, but the storyline was terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c05wbc/i_went_outside_today/
%
People are hypocrites

My friend got called a hero for donating a kidney, but when I turn up to donate 10 they call me a monster!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c05p84/people_are_hypocrites/
%
Remember girls, if a man calls you pretty, he likes your face, if a man calls you hot,he likes your body , if a man calls you beautiful, he likes your soul ..

All three of them still want to fuck you though....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c05oa4/remember_girls_if_a_man_calls_you_pretty_he_likes/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's  the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the  bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver  just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go  on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c05jh9/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
%
A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar holds up two fingers and says

"Five beers please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c05i3i/a_roman_legionnaire_walks_into_a_bar_holds_up_two/
%
What do you call masturbating to pass time?

Procrasturbating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c05fw9/what_do_you_call_masturbating_to_pass_time/
%
I’m so excited for summer!!!

I just wet my plants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c05fcj/im_so_excited_for_summer/
%
My boyfriend told me to stop impersonating flamingos

I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c05f8y/my_boyfriend_told_me_to_stop_impersonating/
%
Who says it`s hard to quit smoking?

I quit 5 times already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c05bpc/who_says_its_hard_to_quit_smoking/
%
What’s the difference between a magic wand and a police taser?

One’s for cunning stunts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c05bhx/whats_the_difference_between_a_magic_wand_and_a/
%
A priest and a normal man are going golfing

As they approach the middle of the game, the normal guy is frustrated and very angry with how badly he's doing. On the next hole, the guy misses and yells, "GODDAMNIT I MISSED!" and the priest gets offended.
He says, "woah, woah, woah. I understand that you're angry, but you shouldnt use gods name like that." The man replies, "you're right, I'm sorry, I'll try not to do it again."
But of course he does it again. The second time, "GODDAMNIT I MISSED!" and the priest says, hey, calm down, if you keep saying that, god will unleash his wrath on you and hit you with lightning or something! And he apologizes.
But on the next hole, of course he does it again.  He misses and yells, "GODDAMNIT I MISSED!" Louder than either of the times before. "Now you've done it!" Said the priest. "God is going to-"
BZZZZZZZZ! The priest got hit by lightning. The man looks up hears a deep voice yell, "GODDAMNIT I MISSED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c058m9/a_priest_and_a_normal_man_are_going_golfing/
%
An old lady was having trouble checking her balance at the bank

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c054ci/an_old_lady_was_having_trouble_checking_her/
%
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's."
Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c054c5/two_texans_were_out_on_the_range_talking_about/
%
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."

He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs."
The Father says, "You need to say 40 Hail Mary's and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish."
The confessor replies, "Yes Father, they were."
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said, "Father, I don't kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions."
The priest responded, "Well, was one of them Mrs. O'Reilly?"
The man replied, "No Father, and I wouldn't say anyway. I've told you that!"
The priest says, "Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?"
Exasperated the man said, "No Father, and I told you I'm not telling you the names of the women!!!"
The priest said, "Well then I'm going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!"
The man said, "OK, fine," and left.
As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, "So, how did it go?"
The confessor said, "Great! 6 months off, and two leads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0507u/there_are_two_guys_walking_in_front_of_a_large/
%
A guy bursts into a gas station laughing like crazy

Gas station manager asks him what's so funny.
Guy says "There's a blonde outside trying to open her car door with a coathanger through the window"
"I know, I gave her the coat hanger, she locked herself out of her car" says the gas station manager.
Guy stops, then bursts into even more laughs "Yes but, there's another blonde on the right seat giving her orders: To the left. No, to the right. No, higher. No, lower"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c04wda/a_guy_bursts_into_a_gas_station_laughing_like/
%
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c04us5/two_married_buddies_are_out_drinking_one_night/
%
It's Halloween and a little boy dressed as a pirate goes up to the door and yells "Trick or treat!"

The man opens the door, and upon seeing the little boy says "Hey matey! Where's your buccaneers?"
The little boy says "Under my bunkin' hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c04sm4/its_halloween_and_a_little_boy_dressed_as_a/
%
Why don't people from Alabama like doing reverse cowgirl?

You should never turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c04s6a/why_dont_people_from_alabama_like_doing_reverse/
%
A young native boys asks his chief...

"Grandfather,  where do our names come from?"
The chief says, "My child, I choose the names of the people in our village,"
"But how do you choose our names, grandfather?" The boy asks
The chief answers "Well my son, when Running-Wolf was born, I stepped out of the birthing tent and the first thing I saw was a majestic wolf running across the plains,"
In an excited tone the boy enquires, "Is that how Soaring-Eagle got his name too?"
"Yes, when Soaring-Eagle was born I stepped out of the birthing tent and the first thing I saw was a beautiful eagle soaring high up in the sky,"
The Chief smiles at the memory and absentmindedly pats the boy on the head and asks, "What's with all the questions, Two-Dogs-Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c04rig/a_young_native_boys_asks_his_chief/
%
Why did the farmer win a Nobel prize?

He put no bells on his cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c04raz/why_did_the_farmer_win_a_nobel_prize/
%
After years of research and expedition, an Archaeologist finally finds a book of legend...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the university's brightest minds. A researcher of Astrophysics, who had led the field for many years and had produced many papers theorising cosmic events was first. The archaeologist told him to ask the book one question, and to document whether the response was accurate.
The astrophysicist thought for a moment and asked the book "What was existence like before the Big Bang?"
The archaeologist opened the book and showed the physicist, and he instantly went insane and began scrawling equations on the nearest pad of paper, mumbling distressed words to himself.
Shocked and uneasy, but willing to see his research through, the archaeologist moved on to the next researcher, a leading professor of Mathematics. She had produced many papers and interpretations on numbers themselves, and the human interpretations behind ever-growing sequences. The archaeologist asked the mathematician to ask the book a question.
The mathematician barely thought for a second. "How can a human being best visualise infinity?"
The archaeologist once again opened the book and showed it to the mathematician. Her eyes widened in shock and confusion and she, too, went insane immediately. She ran out of the room yelling, back to her notes to make sense of what she'd seen.
Shaken but persistent, the archaeologist turned to the final volunteer. He was one of the world's most highly regarded philosophers, and had spent his whole life researching different views and interpretations of a variety of philosophical debates. The philosopher knew the process by now, and confidently asked:
"What is the meaning of life?"
The archaeologist opened the book and showed the philosopher. Confused at first, the philosopher let out a sigh.
"My dear boy, I'm afraid to say that your book doesn't work. The pages are blank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c04q4x/after_years_of_research_and_expedition_an/
%
Little Johnny and the Pastor

A pastor was chatting with some children about 'being good' and going to Heaven.
When he was done, he asked the kids, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" cried Little Suzie.
"And what do you have to be to go there?"
'Dead!' cried Little Johnny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c04har/little_johnny_and_the_pastor/
%
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex...

But my girlfriend says it's dyslexia
(probably already been posted but I've never seen it in this sub)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c04f7f/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
%
What is anti-vax parent's favourite song lyrics?

Swish, swish, bish
Another one in the casket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c04dy5/what_is_antivax_parents_favourite_song_lyrics/
%
I was once arrested for stealing kitchen appliances!

It was worth the whisk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c04ax0/i_was_once_arrested_for_stealing_kitchen/
%
A blind guy walks into a bar...

...and a table...and a chair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c04ahz/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"
The bartender replies, "It's a moose."
The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c047xj/this_scottish_bloke_goes_on_a_skiing_holiday_to/
%
I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day.

I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.
I nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c03ygy/i_applied_for_a_job_as_a_carpenter_the_other_day/
%
My girlfriend just left me because I'm too insecure.

No, wait, she's back - she was just making lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c03yg3/my_girlfriend_just_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
"I am currently reading my autobiography," I told my friend.

"What page are you on?" he asked.
I said, "All of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c03w9q/i_am_currently_reading_my_autobiography_i_told_my/
%
what's the diffrence between a snowman and a snowomen

snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c03w81/whats_the_diffrence_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
wanna know how rich garbage men are?

filthy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c03ucn/wanna_know_how_rich_garbage_men_are/
%
why are irish men so rich?

because their capital is dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c03tuj/why_are_irish_men_so_rich/
%
A girl phoned me the other day and said: 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'

I went over. Nobody was home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c03n3f/a_girl_phoned_me_the_other_day_and_said_come_on/
%
The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard the garage door open.
"Hurry!" she cried. "Stand in the corner!"
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move," she whispered. "Pretend you're a statue."
When her husband entered the bedroom, he asked, "What's this, honey?"
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths have one in their bedroom. I liked theirs so much, I got us one, too." Nothing more was said, and they both went to sleep. About 2:00 AM, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned shortly with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said, giving the food to the statue, "you may as well eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody even offered me a glass of water!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c03l65/the_statue/
%
People have asked if I pee when I take a shower

And the answer to that question is "yes, yes I have", to which I usually get a look of disgust from them. But I can't help it, I simply can't hold my bladder when I'm taking a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c03jfc/people_have_asked_if_i_pee_when_i_take_a_shower/
%
Who are the fastest readers

9/11 victims they went through 52 stories in 30 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c03e7i/who_are_the_fastest_readers/
%
Why won't Russia allow entry for The Fine Bros?

They've had problems with reactors before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c03cug/why_wont_russia_allow_entry_for_the_fine_bros/
%
Why are there so many female archaeologists?

Because women love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c036bk/why_are_there_so_many_female_archaeologists/
%
Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c032ly/someone_keeps_sending_me_roses_with_the_heads_cut/
%
An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c02zuh/an_f111_was_flying_escort_with_a_b52_and/
%
Ships

Last night I watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c02yus/ships/
%
A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.

He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.
The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.
The exchange clerk shrugs. “Fluctuations.”
The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c02qui/a_chinese_guy_in_the_us_goes_to_exchange_his/
%
I just don’t know how shoe companies stay in business

Although, it probably helps being the sole supplier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c02px5/i_just_dont_know_how_shoe_companies_stay_in/
%
What did the fibula and tibia do Friday night?

They went to a shindig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c02ljm/what_did_the_fibula_and_tibia_do_friday_night/
%
Did you hear about the deaf man who escaped a murderous gang of mute mime artists?

Yeah, he saw them coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c02l6v/did_you_hear_about_the_deaf_man_who_escaped_a/
%
My Favorite Politics Joke

A man goes to heaven.
He sees thousands of clocks everywhere.
He asks god why there are so many clocks.
God says that everyone, living or dead has a personal clock, and every time they tell a lie, it ticks one minute.
The man asks where Hillary Clinton’s clock is.
God says, “Oh, Jesus used it for a ceiling fan last night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c02ip4/my_favorite_politics_joke/
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The opposite of "pro" is "con"; that fact is clearly seen.

If "progress" means "move forward", then what does "Congress" mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c02ig8/the_opposite_of_pro_is_con_that_fact_is_clearly/
%
Spanish is a tough language

it takes so much time and effort to say even a simple word such as "goal".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c02flp/spanish_is_a_tough_language/
%
I think I have finally made it big in my life. Today a representative from one of worlds biggest company said I have arrived.

It was google maps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c02f71/i_think_i_have_finally_made_it_big_in_my_life/
%
What's the difference between an American teenage girl and an Arabian teenage girl?

The American teenage girl gets stoned before sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c02d6u/whats_the_difference_between_an_american_teenage/
%
A man sits down at his front row seats to the World Cup final.

He notices that the seat next to him is empty. He asks the person on the seat over, “who’s seat is this? Who would by tickets to the World Cup and not use them?” The man says “well actually, that was my wives, she just passed away, and we have been going to the World Cup every time since we were married.” The first man replies “I’m sorry to hear that, but you couldn’t find anyone else that could take her spot? Maybe another family member?” The second man says “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c02ace/a_man_sits_down_at_his_front_row_seats_to_the/
%
My roommate is convinced that our house is haunted...

I've lived there for 273 years and haven't seen a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c023wc/my_roommate_is_convinced_that_our_house_is_haunted/
%
Why can't you tell a kleptomaniac a pun?

They take everything literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01xdf/why_cant_you_tell_a_kleptomaniac_a_pun/
%
My group of friends were all huge jerks growing up including me. I once took an ultimate dare to stick an altoid up my butt from them.

I was the coolest asshole in our group after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01vog/my_group_of_friends_were_all_huge_jerks_growing/
%
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. But why did seven eat nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01r2d/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven_because_seven_ate/
%
Why is a hamster like a cigarette?

They're both harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01qy4/why_is_a_hamster_like_a_cigarette/
%
An Indian who was too modern was elected as chief of the tribe

Fall was upon this remote reservation when the tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared.
After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01qqk/an_indian_who_was_too_modern_was_elected_as_chief/
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What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01pjq/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common?

It's legal to get stoned!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01pcq/what_do_saudi_arabia_and_canada_have_in_common/
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Why did the Indian man go to the doctor?

He was Sikh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01o5b/why_did_the_indian_man_go_to_the_doctor/
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So I left my job today. I just couldn't go back after what my boss said.

"What did he say?"
You're fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01miw/so_i_left_my_job_today_i_just_couldnt_go_back/
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Masturbation is like procrastination

it’s all good fun until you realize you’re just fucking yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01ks9/masturbation_is_like_procrastination/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies with: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes says: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson thinks for a minute before responding: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes looks at Watson before responding: “No you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01jss/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_go_camping/
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A wife is running in the park

And takes a break to stretch near two men.
As she’s stretching, a beautiful woman passes all three of them, and one guy says to the other, “lets go, that’s our pace car,” and they run off.
The wife, very perplexed, waits for her husband to come home. She tells him what she saw in the park and asks, “what’s a pace car?”
The husband replies, “a Pace Car is a woman so fit and beautiful you run extra hard to stay behind her and keep up your speed.”
With a smile and a flight the wife asks, “am I your pace car?”
The husband looks up and down for a second and says... “yeah, if you were behind me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01izq/a_wife_is_running_in_the_park/
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[NSFW] A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods.

The bear says “excuse me, Mr. Rabbit. Do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”
“Why no, Mr. Bear I do not” says the rabbit.
The bear then reaches over and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01hyq/nsfw_a_bear_and_a_rabbit_were_taking_a_shit_in/
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My favorite joke involving an old woman and a dildo

An old woman walked into a sex shop and approached the clerk behind the cash register.
"Excuse me young man, do you sell dildos here?"  She asked the clerk.
The clerk was of course surprised to see such an old woman in the shop, but still managed to be polite and replied "Yes we do ma'am.  How can I help you?"
The old woman held up two fingers and spread them about 9 inches apart, "Are they about that long?"
"Yes we have some about that long," answered the clerk.
The old woman make a circle in the air about 5 inches in diameter, "Are they that big around?"
"Yes we have some that big around." answered the clerk.
"Do they vibrate in 3 different speed?" Asked the old lady again.
"Yes we do have some about that long and that big around and vibrate in many different speed," replied the clerk.  "Would you like me to show you some?"
"No no no, " said the old woman.  "I want to ask, how do you turn it oooffff???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01het/my_favorite_joke_involving_an_old_woman_and_a/
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A priest and a lawyer make it to the pearly gates

They are both let inside and they are led to their homes. They get to the lawyers house first and it is a gigantic mansion. The priest and St. Peter walk on until the reach a measly little shack. The priest is told this is his home. He looks at St. Peter and says, “I have prayed and led people to god time and time again on earth. Why does the lawyer get a mansion and me a shack?” St. Peter responds “We get hundreds of priests but the rest of the lawyers are in hell.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01gai/a_priest_and_a_lawyer_make_it_to_the_pearly_gates/
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How will we truly reach gender equality?

By leaving the toilet seat at a 45 degree angle for the next person to decide without bias.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01fs2/how_will_we_truly_reach_gender_equality/
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Doctor my Eyes

Doctor,  my eyes tear up every time I have sex.
It's normal, that's just the pepper spray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01fqd/doctor_my_eyes/
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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road

... when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away further down the road.
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a treestump. "My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
Some distance further down the track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time crouched behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you f*ck off,I'm trying to take a sh*t !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01byh/little_red_riding_hood_is_skipping_down_the_road/
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What do you call an X-Men who only does amazing things?

Magneato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c01b2e/what_do_you_call_an_xmen_who_only_does_amazing/
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I was thinking about procrastinating today.

But I think I’ll do it tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c019ss/i_was_thinking_about_procrastinating_today/
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I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0170i/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_confused/
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A pun isn’t fully matured until it’s...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Full groan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0126k/a_pun_isnt_fully_matured_until_its/
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A young lady had been taking golf lessons...

...She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the Clubhouse for help.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she said.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c00zok/a_young_lady_had_been_taking_golf_lessons/
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Working in a bank is a very ungrateful job.

A lady asks me to check her balance. I politely said I sure will.
So I push her over, and they have the audacity to fire me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c00u1y/working_in_a_bank_is_a_very_ungrateful_job/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German

are all standing watching an American street performer perform juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman don’t have an ideal view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c00tfs/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and the makes passionate love to her for hours. She's moaning in pure bliss despite the terrible circumstances.
After nearly four hours of intense passionate sex they are interrupted when an angry man bursts through the door. The convict is horrified to see that it's the warden of the prison.
"Warden!" Screams the convict.
"Honey!" Screams the wife.
"You son of a bitch!" Screams the Warden as he pulls out his gun and shoots the convict dead.
"Are you ok?" The Warden asks his wife.
"Yes darling! Oh, it was terrible! That brute forced himself on me for hours! I'm so happy you came home and saved me!"
"Of course darling!" The Warden cried as the couple embraced in tears.
"But darling?" The Warden asked.
"Yes darling?" The wife replied.
"Why is my brother naked and tied to a chair in the corner?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c00msx/a_man_escapes_from_a_prison_where_hes_been_locked/
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A man walks into a bikers pub

and asks in a high pitch voice, is the owner of the rottweiler who was barking outside here?
A 250lb biker stands up and with a low manly voice says, yes, why do you ask?
The guy with high pitch voice replies, my Chihuahua just killed your dog!
The biker runs out with disbelief and find his dog dead on the floor. He runs in and asks the guy what happened?
The high pitch voice guy replies that the rottweiler suffocated while trying to swallow his Chihuahua.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c00kgx/a_man_walks_into_a_bikers_pub/
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Interview

: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Of course!"
Interview: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Razim."
Interview: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Interviewer: "No! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Interviewer: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep.. animals in general."
Interviewer: "Isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Interviewer: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c00heg/interview/
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My friend can't afford his water bill...

So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c00f0n/my_friend_cant_afford_his_water_bill/
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How does an elephant hide in the forest?

Paints its nuts red and hides in a cherry tree.
What's the loudest sound in the wild?
A giraffe eating cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c00d1t/how_does_an_elephant_hide_in_the_forest/
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What do pups eat in Italy?

Pawsta :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c00cdu/what_do_pups_eat_in_italy/
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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm,  and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and  I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c009be/the_teacher_asked_the_class_to_use_the_word/
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Why do they sell booze at the hardware store?

Because nothing is better than alcohol at demolishing a home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c0055p/why_do_they_sell_booze_at_the_hardware_store/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
(My girlfriend told me this and I thought I'd share)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c004km/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
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What is the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone.

A Rolling Stone says "Hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c002ch/what_is_the_difference_between_a_scotsman_and_a/
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When I was young, I was bold enough to shave my privates using a straight razor.

Nowadays, I no longer have the balls to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzyf0/when_i_was_young_i_was_bold_enough_to_shave_my/
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How does the ocean greet the beach?

It waves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzx3r/how_does_the_ocean_greet_the_beach/
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Two whales walk into a bar

The first whale goes "oooOOOOOoooo...aaaaaaaaa......\*BLURB\* \*BLURB\* \*BLURB\* aaaaaaEEEEEooooOOOOOO ooooeeeEEE \*whomp\* \*whomp\*\*whomp\* acacacacacacacacacacac oooOOoooeeeeeeEEEEEE AAAAAAaaaaaaOoooOOOOOOOO"
The second whale looks at him and goes "I don't get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzwj7/two_whales_walk_into_a_bar/
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Beautiful Lady

I was walking down the lane and saw a beautiful lady with her kids.
I remarked - your husband must be real ugly.
My mom who was next to me snapped at me - what did I teach you? If you got nothing good to say, just keep shut.
Feeling sorry, I apologized to the beautiful lady - I am sorry. Your husband must be real rich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzw11/beautiful_lady/
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I was gonna make a joke about eating ass

But I was worried it would come off tongue-in-cheek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzt7o/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_about_eating_ass/
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Two Black Eyes

One day a guy comes home from church sporting two black eyes. His wife says to him, yo, what the heck happened to you? Guy says, I’m sitting behind this lady, and when we stand for prayers, I notice her dress is stuck up the crack of her ass, so I reach out and tug it out for her. She turns around and as pissed as can be, whacks me in the eye. The wife says, well how did you get the shiner in the other eye? He says well, she got so mad, I figured she must have liked it that way, so I tucked her dress back up her ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzrr9/two_black_eyes/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? " The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !" "What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzqde/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".
Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".
The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".
The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzp0l/a_patient_tells_his_doctor_he_dreams_about/
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When I was 13 a genie offered me either a great memory or a huge penis

Can't remember what I picked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzofm/when_i_was_13_a_genie_offered_me_either_a_great/
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“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”
“And is the bronchitis gone now?”
“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzm5x/have_you_been_sleeping_by_an_open_window_like_i/
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What do you call masturbating in the summer?

A heat stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzl1b/what_do_you_call_masturbating_in_the_summer/
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What is the difference between my Spanish and an anti-vax kid?

I can at least make it to 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzkt8/what_is_the_difference_between_my_spanish_and_an/
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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch with each other. Summer break hangouts, regular texting and online gaming slowly became infrequent emails and Facebook likes. Produce drifts apart, these things happen.
One day, though, they get to talking again and decide they need to get back together. That after all this time, they're not only going to celebrate their friendship but renew their commitment to stay best friends. No other friends, no ladies, just the two of them. They both plan time off work, travel back to their hometown and go to their favourite bar. They even arranged with the owner to reserve their favourite booth. And it's like they never lost touch. Over multiple pitchers of beer they tell all the old stories and share new laughs. Just having a great time of things. Over the course of the night, though, the first tomato see's this tasty piece of celery eyeing him from the bar. And she is just gorgeous, a real crisp hottie if you get my meaning. And even though he keeps finding her checking him out, he keeps puts her out of his mind as best he can. Tonight is just about best tomatoes forever.
As the night wears one, the second tomato gets up to let out some of the beer they've been drinking. And he's gone maybe 30 seconds when that celery shakes her stalk across the bar and slides into the empty seat to chat up the first tomato. The first tomato is so blinded with flirting with her that he doesn't see second tomato come back. And he is pissed. 'Dude, tonight was supposed to be about us', he says, 'And the second I'm gone you ditch me for a bar tramp?'
The first tomato tries explaining it isn't like that, that she's hitting on him. He tries begging the second tomato to understand, that he'd never have another shot in a million years with someone as hot as her on any other night. He tries suggesting he go home with and that they reschedule their tomatoes night out for another night. The second tomato doesn't like this. Furious, he says that if the one night they were going to celebrate all the years they were friends, the one night they were pledging to making an effort to staying as close as they've been, that he's going to ditch him for a girl he won't remember in a week ... then their friendship never really meant anything.
The first tomato lets the second go, figuring that they'll both cool down and talk tomorrow. He goes back to chatting up the celery up as the night starts to wind down. Meanwhile, the second tomato storms off to the other side of the bar and starts doing shots with group of rowdy beefsteak tomatoes, telling them about how his friend betrayed him over a girl. Well, you better believe they don't like hearing about their tomato brother getting stabbed in the back like that and decide to do something about it.
As the first tomato is waiting outside for the celery to finish powdering her leaves, the table of rowdy tomatoes jump him. They pull him down and lay into him, beating him up and down, screaming and berating him the entire time before leaving him in he gutter to die. It's about this time that the second tomato realizes almost everyone's left and decides to head out himself. When he gets outside, though, he sees his best friend laying beaten on the sidewalk, tomato juice running in the gutter. I mean, he's practically ketchup at this point. He hurriedly calls 911 before cradling his friend, crying and praying to god. He holds his friend the entire ambulance ride. At the hospital he spends three hours pacing back and fourth in the waiting room.
Finally, the doctor comes out. And for synchronicity's sake we'll say the doctor is a carrot. The carrot doctor comes up to the tomato and asks if he wants to hear the good news or the bad news.
The tomato gets really quite for a moment, before whispering through chapped lips that he needs to hear the good news. The doctor says 'Well, it was touch and go for a while, and he's not out of the garden yet, but I think he'll live.' The tomato cries out in relief, thanking the doctor profusely. All that matters is that his friend is gonna live, he can take the bad news so long as he'll live. 'What's the bad news, doc?'
The doctor says 'Well, the beating was quite severe. So, he'll live but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzisc/so_theres_these_two_tomatoes_who_are_best_friends/
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How many pessimists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Who cares? They’ll just find a way to screw it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzfee/how_many_pessimists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Doing the Boss

A woman's boss calls her into his office asking her if she would house sit when he's gone for a weekend.
Accepting right away she says , "I'll make a list right now of what you'll need. Whatll you need me to do?"
"I've a mini pig that has a rash, can you rub some soothing oil on it?" The boss replies. "sure thing!"  Says the woman
Next the boss says," The thermostat is broken at the moment and I keep forgetting to replace it. It makes the whole house to hot, can you keep adjusting it so the house stays cool?" "Sure thing" "oh also, speaking of heat, that reminds me can you clean the oven?" "no problem!" She enthusiastically responds.
"My son's staying home and will be there on Saturday around lunch time, he likes a specific boxed macaroni, would you be up to making it for him?" "You bet!"
Lastly the boss asks, "Okay awesome, and the only other thing I need done is I have a neglected bonsai tree that needs some water? Do you mind?" "Consider it done, boss!"
"Thanks so much!" He replies, "do you mind reading that list back to be so I know you got everything?"
The woman responds, "Absolutely! : Hogwarts, cool, ov. Which Kraft™? And withered tree"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzdlf/doing_the_boss/
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Why did the boobs not high five the bra?

Because it left them hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzcmf/why_did_the_boobs_not_high_five_the_bra/
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Why did m&m go to school?

Because it wanted to be a smartie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzzbyn/why_did_mm_go_to_school/
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In a fit of rage I smashed my keyboard til all the keys popped off.

I guess you could say I lost Ctrl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzz9ma/in_a_fit_of_rage_i_smashed_my_keyboard_til_all/
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How do you drown a hipster?

Throw him in the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzz8s0/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
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New study purports that most women are bi-sexual

They become sexually aroused after you buy them something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzz5xe/new_study_purports_that_most_women_are_bisexual/
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Do you need an ark

Because i noah guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzyz1l/do_you_need_an_ark/
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How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two,but you got to get them in there first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzyuhn/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What’s the difference between a musician and a bucket of chicken?

A bucket of chicken can feed a family of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzyrrd/whats_the_difference_between_a_musician_and_a/
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzyqok/a_man_is_out_shopping_and_discovers_a_new_brand/
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A dad and his 8 year old little girl are driving in a truck...

In front of them is a car driving along with a husband and wife who are arguing profusely. Out of nowhere, the wife leans over, cuts off her husband's penis and tosses it out the window.
It goes flying back and hits the truck windshield and flies off. The little girl goes, "Daddy what was that?!"
The dad, not wanting to expose his daughter to sex at such a young tender age, says, "Uhh, it was just a bug honey."
The little girl sits there perplexed for a minute or two and asks, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzyqo5/a_dad_and_his_8_year_old_little_girl_are_driving/
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One day, Putin summons the ghost of Stalin.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "what should I do to fix my country?"
"Execute the government and paint the Kremlin blue" says Stalin.
"Why blue?" asks a perplexed Putin.
"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part" says Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzyk9e/one_day_putin_summons_the_ghost_of_stalin/
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What's a joke about a penis that isn't true?

A phallusy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzyhx0/whats_a_joke_about_a_penis_that_isnt_true/
%
An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.
The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Confident no-one will beat that, he passes to the Mathematician.
The mathematician, being slightly more clever, makes a circle with a radius of 15.9m. Fencing off a total area of 795.7m^(2).
The cartographer goes next, and comes up with an even more clever idea. He checks his maps and finds a small peninsula, and fences off the area where it connects to the land. By using the water as a natural barrier, he fences off nearly 4 square kilometers.
Finally, the philosopher takes his turn. To the surprise of his competitors, he uses only 4 meters of fence to build a 1m by 1m square. He then stands at the center of the square and proudly proclaims: "I declare myself outside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzyh5o/an_engineer_a_mathematician_a_cartographer_and_a/
%
Three devout nuns were summoned into the priest office one day.

He told them “You have been loyal to the Lord and our church. Because of this, I am granting you permission to go out and sin one time. At the end of the day come back, confess your sin, bathe in holy water, and you will be forgiven.”
At the end of the day the three nuns returned. The priest called on the first nun.
“What sin have you committed my child?” The priest asked.
“I stole coins from the fountain,” the nun replied.
“You are forgiven. Go bathe in the holy water.”
He called the second nun to him.
He asked her sin and she replied
“I danced around the square naked.”
He forgave her sin and sent her to bathe in the holy water.
The priest called the third nun to him. The third nun walked in the office giggling uncontrollably. The priest asked what sin she had committed. When she got her laughter under control she replied
“I peed in the holy water.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzycr8/three_devout_nuns_were_summoned_into_the_priest/
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Mother Theresa and Princess Diana Head to the Pearly Gates

Mother Theresa gets up to heaven and starts looking around, when she sees Princess Diana in the corner with this enormous fucking halo, especially compared to hers.  Mother Theresa immediately goes up to St. Peter, grabs him by the balls and squeezes, "You sons of bitches!  I fucking lived and gave my life to the fucking lepers!  What has she done except live a life of privilege and riches?  Why does she get a bigger halo than me?"
St. Peter looks over, and gasps back at Mother Theresa, "That's not a halo, it's a steering wheel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzy7r9/mother_theresa_and_princess_diana_head_to_the/
%
A boy is playing in his mothers bedroom.

A boy is playing in his mothers bedroom when he hears a noise from outside, so he quickly hides inside the cupboard. In come his mother with a man, kissing passionately before having sex on the bed. But, before long, the boy’s father comes home and the mother hides the man in the same cupboard as the boy.
The boy says, “Dark in here, isn’t it?”
The man responds nervously, “Yup”
“You know, I have a baseball bat.” Says the boy.
“Why should I care?”
“You know my dad is outside, right?”
“How much do you want?!”
“500$” The man pays him his money and the boy keeps his mother’s secret, helping the man escape with his new baseball bat. The next day, the boy is playing in his mothers bedroom when his mother comes in with the same man and the boy hides in the same cupboard. Before long, the boy’s father comes home and the man hides in the same cupboard with the boy.
“Dark in here, isn’t it?” Says the boy.
“Yup” Says the man.
“ You know, I also have a baseball glove.” Says the boy.
“How much do you want?” The man says in a resigned tone.
“500$”
So the boy once again helps the man escape with his brand new baseball glove. The next day, though, the boy’s father asks him if he wants to play some baseball.
“Can’t dad, I sold my baseball kit.”
“For how much, son?”
“1000$”
“That’s horrible son!  Overpricing your friends like that!  Shame on you!  I’m taking you to church to confess!”
So he does. He takes him to church and takes him right up to the confession booth and he stands outside to make sure the boy doesn’t chicken out. The boy enters, looks around, then sits down on the hard wooden bench and says to the priest, “Dark in here, isn’t it?”
“Don’t you start with that shit again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzy2go/a_boy_is_playing_in_his_mothers_bedroom/
%
Two parrots are sitting on a perch

One turns to the other and asks "Do you smell fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzxyaw/two_parrots_are_sitting_on_a_perch/
%
Definition of Evil intent.....

Satan living in a wigwam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzxy9y/definition_of_evil_intent/
%
All the bones went to Tibia and Fibula's place...

They were having a shindig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzxut8/all_the_bones_went_to_tibia_and_fibulas_place/
%
How do you go faster than light?

Turn off the light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzxslt/how_do_you_go_faster_than_light/
%
My mom told me that her and her boyfriends sex life wasn't that good...

Guess hes a bad mother fucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzxpf3/my_mom_told_me_that_her_and_her_boyfriends_sex/
%
Man walks into a brothel and asks how much.

Prostitute: "it's €250 for a ride or €100 for a blowjob."
Man: "that's way too expensive" as he turns to leave.
P: "for €20 you can have a Penguin"
M: "what's a Penguin?"
P: "no more questions, take it or leave it, €20 for a penguin"
The man thinks about it and decides that €20 is worth finding out the answer. He hands over the money and she takes him into another room.
She pulls down his pants and starts giving him the best blowjob he's ever had in his life. Right as he's about to finish, she stops and walks out of the room.
With his pants around his ankles and raging hard-on he waddles towards the door "hey, where are you going?!"
--------
(First ever post, sorry if the formatting ends up being off!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzxo74/man_walks_into_a_brothel_and_asks_how_much/
%
A panda walks into a Chinese’s shop

The panda sits down and ask the waiter what’s the special
The waiter says “Wong tong soup”
The panda says “I’ll have 2”
The panda eats his meal and pulls out a shotgun  and shoots a hole in the wall and starts to walk out
The waiter comes running up and says “you can do that here you are going to pay for damages”
“I’m a panda, look it up” - the panda tosses the waiter a dictionary. He flips through it until he finds “Panda”, which reads: Panda: A black and white mammal native to Asia. Eats, shoots and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzxiwn/a_panda_walks_into_a_chineses_shop/
%
What did the knight say to the turnip?

Begone, foul beet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzxgub/what_did_the_knight_say_to_the_turnip/
%
What jobs aren't around anymore?

Steve Jobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzxbqx/what_jobs_arent_around_anymore/
%
3 europeans and some fruit

3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?” The second guy says, “I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzxacz/3_europeans_and_some_fruit/
%
I have a dog with no legs.

I call him Cigarette because every evening when I get home from work I take him for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzx9od/i_have_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
What do you call a brain-dead vegan?

An organic vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzx99w/what_do_you_call_a_braindead_vegan/
%
90% of people can't avoid clickbait for this one reason.

Apparently you are in the 90%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzx8t6/90_of_people_cant_avoid_clickbait_for_this_one/
%
An Aussie guy is travelling through Africa

While in Nigeria he keeps hearing a persistent rumour that the Nigerian males have the biggest penis, relative to body size, in the world. One night, while going to the bathroom at a bar, he can't help glancing across at the Nigerian using the urinal next to his.
"Jesus Christ!" He exclaims. "It's true what they say about you Nigerian males and your penises."
The Nigerian answers back, "My friend. My penis size isn't just a matter of genetics, but also of training. When I was a young boy, back in the village, I was given a stone to tie around the end of my penis. As I grew bigger, I was given bigger and bigger stones - until you see the prodigious member before you."
The Aussie is very impressed by this and says, "That's impressive, I'm going to try that for myself."
A week later, just before he's about to leave Nigeria, the Aussie ran into the same guy who'd first given him the advice.
"So, my friend, did you try my training method?" The Nigerian asked.
"I did," the Aussie replied. "And I think it's starting to work - my cock's turned black!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzx6nf/an_aussie_guy_is_travelling_through_africa/
%
A young shark asked his dad, "Why do we always swim circles around people before eating them?"

He replied, "They taste better if you scare the shit out of them first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzx5dm/a_young_shark_asked_his_dad_why_do_we_always_swim/
%
My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends.

But I better get this shit off my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzwvj4/my_new_girlfriend_just_told_me_what_her_fetish_is/
%
I saw a cop arresting a man at a golf course today.

When I asked a witness what happened, they say he shot an eagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzwutx/i_saw_a_cop_arresting_a_man_at_a_golf_course_today/
%
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm

Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzwtap/i_took_the_batteries_out_of_my_carbon_monoxide/
%
What sort of bees make milk?

Boo Bees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzwsys/what_sort_of_bees_make_milk/
%
Do you wanna hear a joke about constipation and dementia?

Tough shit, I forgot it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzwdd3/do_you_wanna_hear_a_joke_about_constipation_and/
%
I have the body of a god

...unfortunately it's Thor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzwai0/i_have_the_body_of_a_god/
%
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'

I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzw8n7/i_was_attacked_by_a_man_in_the_street_he_started/
%
A guy goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “have you been in the service?”
“Yes,” he says. “I was in Vietnam for three years.”
The interviewer then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes 100%… a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”
The interviewer tells the guy, “I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?”
“This is a government job” the interviewer says.
“For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls…what will you do?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzw898/a_guy_goes_to_the_u_s_post_office_to_apply_for_a/
%
Husband asks his Wife how many men have you slept with? Wife replies only you Darling.

All the rest managed to stay awake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvx2j/husband_asks_his_wife_how_many_men_have_you_slept/
%
What do you call an argument you have while you're high?

Grass fed beef.
BTW I came up with this myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvulq/what_do_you_call_an_argument_you_have_while_youre/
%
Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvsxa/our_country_needs_a_border_wall_south_of_the/
%
How's a tornado in a bad neighborhood like an Alabama divorce?

Either way, someone's loosing a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvqm9/hows_a_tornado_in_a_bad_neighborhood_like_an/
%
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvoxr/did_you_know_that_diarrhea_is_genetic/
%
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvod9/why_was_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
%
Genie: OK, I'm ready for your third wish.

Me:  Third?  What about the first two?
Genie:  Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said "I wish I'd never made that wish!"  So that counted as your second wish, and I erased your memory of both of them.
Me:  Well, OK.  I wish I really understood how women think.
Genie:  Granted.  By the way, that was your first wish, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvmrm/genie_ok_im_ready_for_your_third_wish/
%
A bear walks into a bar

Bear: ..................….…..................….…..................….…..................….…..................….…..................….…
Bartender: why the huge pause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvk8l/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Getting a divorce from my Husband, we are gonna split the house 50/50.

I am having the inside he is having the fucking outside..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvjrn/getting_a_divorce_from_my_husband_we_are_gonna/
%
I have a fetish for power switches

They're an instant turn on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvhkr/i_have_a_fetish_for_power_switches/
%
Two blondes are trying to unlock their car with a coat hanger.

One says, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top's down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvh6i/two_blondes_are_trying_to_unlock_their_car_with_a/
%
What do you call someone greater at gambling than you?

A Better Better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvfpb/what_do_you_call_someone_greater_at_gambling_than/
%
If you get a new hairstyle that you don't like, just give it some time...

It will grow on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvc5w/if_you_get_a_new_hairstyle_that_you_dont_like/
%
I am an excellent ornotholgist.

I can spot great tits from miles away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvanv/i_am_an_excellent_ornotholgist/
%
Man Is Talking to God

The man: “God, how long is a million years?”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute.”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God: “To me it’s a penny.”
The man: “God, may I have a penny?”
God: “Wait a minute.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzvagx/man_is_talking_to_god/
%
A man on a long road trip walks into the 1st bar he can find to get some food and a drink to relax a little, and sits next to an older gentlemen enjoying his drink.

Being so bored for so long from driving all day, he turns to the man and sparks a conversation.
“Man these hole in the wall bars can be a god send when you’re on the road” and the man replied
“I know”.
He continues to talk to the man, who agrees with everything he says! So he begins to vent about how the drivers around the area were terrible, the weather, his wife; and the man kept agreeing “I know, I know, I know”. About 10 minutes go by and the older gentlemen waves the bartender down for his check. When he gets it, he looks to the bartender and says
“gracias señor, buenos noches”. The man on the road trip turns to the waiter and says                “hey you speak Spanish?”. The waiter responded
“a little, I have to learn some for him. He’s a regular here so I try to learn a few words here and there”. A little confused, the man turns to the older gentlemen and asks “wait, so you don’t speak a word of English??” The gentlemen grabs his coat from his chair, turns and says
“Aye, no”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzv62y/a_man_on_a_long_road_trip_walks_into_the_1st_bar/
%
Dave: I can make a joke out of any subject

Rich: Oh yeah? How about a joke about the Queen?
Dave: Well my dear Rich, the Queen is not a subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzv4to/dave_i_can_make_a_joke_out_of_any_subject/
%
A colon can completely change a sentence.

Mary ate her friend's lunch.
Mary ate her friend's colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzuzft/a_colon_can_completely_change_a_sentence/
%
What’s it called when a flower gives head?

Floral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzumak/whats_it_called_when_a_flower_gives_head/
%
My girlfriend climaxed at the season finale of Rick and Morty

She also climaxed at the finale of Iron fist.
And again at the season Finale of Game of Thrones.
She keeps coming to conclusions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzuluo/my_girlfriend_climaxed_at_the_season_finale_of/
%
A sandwich, steak, and chilli walk into a bar

The barman says: “we don’t serve food here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzuji0/a_sandwich_steak_and_chilli_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.
Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.
One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.
As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.
The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:
No Offense, Nun Taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzuj5e/a_catholic_high_school_had_a_legendary_american/
%
My wife said that if this post get 10,000 upvotes, we can have anal sex

She also said that if it gets 20,000 she'll be on the receiving end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzued8/my_wife_said_that_if_this_post_get_10000_upvotes/
%
What did the thesaurus have for dessert?

A synonym bun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzu6he/what_did_the_thesaurus_have_for_dessert/
%
What's green and smells like ham?

Kermit the Frog's finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzu5w4/whats_green_and_smells_like_ham/
%
Doctor tells me I've got bad news and I've got worse news. The bad news you have 24 hours to live.

The worse news is I forgot to tell you yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzu5gk/doctor_tells_me_ive_got_bad_news_and_ive_got/
%
Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzu1ww/hi_reddit_my_name_is_joseph_and_i_am_the_son_of/
%
I started a group for anonymous cycling enthusiasts.

But so far the members who’ve joined Pedalphiles seem to know nothing about bicycles in general.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bztujm/i_started_a_group_for_anonymous_cycling/
%
My wife says she’s going to divorce me because I always get erections at inappropriate times

It won’t stand up in court

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzttjd/my_wife_says_shes_going_to_divorce_me_because_i/
%
Interview (NSFW...kinda....)

Sitting at a promising job interview panel, the moderator asked, "what is perhaps your greatest weakness?"  To which I responded, "some people say that I'm brutally honest."  She said, "some may consider that a strength."  I say, "WELL I DON"T GIVE A SH\*T WHAT YOU THINK, KAREN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bztss2/interview_nsfwkinda/
%
My psychiatrist said I was a kleptomaniac...

I said, "Is there anything I can take for it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bztsi7/my_psychiatrist_said_i_was_a_kleptomaniac/
%
I just lost 33.3% of my Cow

Ow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bztmwn/i_just_lost_333_of_my_cow/
%
Abortion clinics really don't get the credit they deserve.

I mean, they're killin it out there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bztmv8/abortion_clinics_really_dont_get_the_credit_they/
%
Two ninjas are talking on a rooftop

Ninja 1: Hey can you show me your Throwing Star skills?
Ninja 2: Shuriken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bztjq4/two_ninjas_are_talking_on_a_rooftop/
%
Trudeau just banned single use plastics

That's the last straw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzteux/trudeau_just_banned_single_use_plastics/
%
The movie "Rocketman" is being praised for its duality...

It's about a guy who is great at piano, but sucks on an organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzteba/the_movie_rocketman_is_being_praised_for_its/
%
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes.
For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said.
Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment.
"St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?"
St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Edited to add: thank you, kind stranger, for the gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bztdz5/a_priest_and_a_taxi_driver_arrive_at_the_pearly/
%
So a limbo player walks into a bar

And he instantly loses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzt5d5/so_a_limbo_player_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.

It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzt2xt/i_invented_a_drink_today_called_the_shutter/
%
It’s my wife’s birthday and she said she wanted to get something that could last all year long

So I gave her a calendar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzt08k/its_my_wifes_birthday_and_she_said_she_wanted_to/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow

Look for fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzspwg/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
Man is granted 3 wishes

I didnt write this but I still want to share...
A man was digging through old junk in his attic and finds a lamp that he had never seen before.  He starts to clean the dust off of it and then it starts to smoke and flash bright light.  Finally a Genie comes out and says with a powerful voice, "who has awakened the great and powerful Will Smith?"
The man responds with fear, " I did."
The Genie responds, " fear not, for you have freed me from my prison and now I will grant you 3 wishes, but be warned you are divorced and your x-wife will get a double portion of what ever you wish."
The man responds, "what? Really...ok I guess. 3 wishes...3 wishes."
"Ok for wish #1 I want a million dollars"
The genie looked at him and said "you shall have your million dollars, but your x-wife will have $2 million dollars"
The man says, "damn, I forgot". But then the genie showers him with cash and he forgets about his x-wife.
After a time the man says to the genie, "Ok I know what I want for the 2nd wish. I want a big Mansion!"
The genie crosses his arms and bows his head then suddenly they and the cash are swept away to a giant mansion.
The man starts running around his new house with joy and then goes out to the balcony and sees his x-wife and her 2 mansions behind his house and he was mad.
A little more time passed and the man had time to think.  He came back to the genie and said,"I know what I want for my 3rd and final wish."
"I want you to beat me half to death!"
The genie responds "your wish is my command!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzsow0/man_is_granted_3_wishes/
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What was Hugh Jackman called before he was super famous?

Small Ackman...
Because he wasn't huge yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzsoel/what_was_hugh_jackman_called_before_he_was_super/
%
I found out my ex girlfriend was at the opposite end of the museum as me today.

I wanted to go say hi to her but there was just too much history between us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzs6rs/i_found_out_my_ex_girlfriend_was_at_the_opposite/
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Genie: You have one wish

Guy: I've always wanted to go to England, but I've always been too scared to fly. I think I would like a bridge from America to England.
Genie: That's pretty hard. I dont know if I can do it. Can you choose something else?
Guy: I've always wanted to be able to understand women.
Genie: So about that bridge...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrzqr/genie_you_have_one_wish/
%
How do you throw a Space party ?

You Planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrxm8/how_do_you_throw_a_space_party/
%
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes, How did you figure that out?"
"Easy." she replies, "You keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says "Sure, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies "Didn't feel a thing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrxbv/a_guy_and_a_girl_meet_at_a_bar/
%
I love telling jokes and leaving people speechless.

Maybe I should stop visiting the ICU coma patients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrwnb/i_love_telling_jokes_and_leaving_people_speechless/
%
What's the opposite of Microsoft Office?

Macrohard Onfire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrvzu/whats_the_opposite_of_microsoft_office/
%
I got fired from my job yesterday...

HR asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Told them full HD sometimes 4K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrv71/i_got_fired_from_my_job_yesterday/
%
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on it's own?

Because it was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrtmt/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_stand_up_on_its_own/
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What is the purpose of the propeller on an airplane?

To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrsia/what_is_the_purpose_of_the_propeller_on_an/
%
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrqag/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_in_suspense/
%
Why do fugitives wear stripes?

Because they don't want to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrpy7/why_do_fugitives_wear_stripes/
%
I miss the kids at school sometimes

but hey atleast my aim is getting better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrnpd/i_miss_the_kids_at_school_sometimes/
%
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me.... I want you to meet someone new.”

“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrmsm/apparently_if_your_girlfriend_or_wife_says_if/
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Why do all professional sperm donors go crazy?

Cause it’s a nut job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrjlb/why_do_all_professional_sperm_donors_go_crazy/
%
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrjgd/whats_the_difference_between_a_bag_of_cocaine_and/
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A woman gives birth to a baby...

...and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."
The woman looks relieved. "So you mean it has a penis and a brain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzriyi/a_woman_gives_birth_to_a_baby/
%
Why do communists love time

cause its hours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrh7s/why_do_communists_love_time/
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It's difficult to tell people what my wife does for a living...

She sells seashells by the seashore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrfeg/its_difficult_to_tell_people_what_my_wife_does/
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A guy walked into a bar...

...and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.
“Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened.”
“I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend.”
The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house."
The guy gulped it down once again.
The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"
The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. 'Pack your bag's and get out!' I told her."
"What about your best friend?" asked the bartender.
“I looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!'”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrek0/a_guy_walked_into_a_bar/
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Did you all hear about the haunted wooden structures?

They are made of Bamboooooooooooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrdxm/did_you_all_hear_about_the_haunted_wooden/
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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrdbq/what_did_the_buffalo_say_when_his_son_left_for/
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What do you call a town moving West?

A velo-city

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrc9z/what_do_you_call_a_town_moving_west/
%
The police were called to a sperm bank yesterday, after the receptionist was reportedly shot in the face

They arrived to a sticky hostage situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrc1f/the_police_were_called_to_a_sperm_bank_yesterday/
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I met my girlfriend at an African language class...

We just clicked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrbb0/i_met_my_girlfriend_at_an_african_language_class/
%
If laughter truly is the best medicine...

Then why do all of those hookers still have Chlamydia after laughing at my tiny cock?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzrah2/if_laughter_truly_is_the_best_medicine/
%
I went to visit a psychic,

I knocked on her front door and she yelled
“Who is it”?
So I left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzr9gj/i_went_to_visit_a_psychic/
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Some say that we should bring back corporal punishment in schools.

I say we just shoot the little bastards like they do in America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzr77q/some_say_that_we_should_bring_back_corporal/
%
What is the similarity between my penis and my life?

It gets harder when children are involved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzqyrd/what_is_the_similarity_between_my_penis_and_my/
%
I got off the plane at the Toronto airport, and saw a billboard that said "Drink Canada Dry"...

So I did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzqx50/i_got_off_the_plane_at_the_toronto_airport_and/
%
A scarecrow won the Nobel prize

He was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzqwfk/a_scarecrow_won_the_nobel_prize/
%
A joke about mahogany breast implants would be silly

Wooden Tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzqus0/a_joke_about_mahogany_breast_implants_would_be/
%
A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor drops a kosher beef hot dog into a seed-covered bun and tops it with yellow mustard, chopped white onions, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, relish, hot peppers, celery salt, and black pepper.
The monk hands over a $100 bill and takes the hot dog. The vendor takes the note and smiles. "Have a nice day!".
The monk is confused. "Pardon me, what about my change?"
The vendor answers with a bow: "Change only comes from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzqqhx/a_buddhist_monk_goes_to_a_hot_dog_stand_and_says/
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What do you call an instrument that doesn’t tell the truth?

A lyre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzqnoh/what_do_you_call_an_instrument_that_doesnt_tell/
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What do you call a man that tells dad jokes but doesn’t have children?

A faux-pa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzqjg0/what_do_you_call_a_man_that_tells_dad_jokes_but/
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Two old guys chatting, first guy says, I had a terrible sleep last night, second guy says I slept like a baby.

Woke up with no hair no teeth and I had shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzqg55/two_old_guys_chatting_first_guy_says_i_had_a/
%
So I couldn't figure out why this ball kept getting bigger

Then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzqcrn/so_i_couldnt_figure_out_why_this_ball_kept/
%
I robbed a swimming pool supply store last night.

I need to lilo for a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzqbi8/i_robbed_a_swimming_pool_supply_store_last_night/
%
I slept with a blind woman last night

She said “ you have the biggest dick I’ve ever seen” and I said “ no you’re just pulling my leg”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzqaxs/i_slept_with_a_blind_woman_last_night/
%
I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

Unconvinced, I replied, "Surely, you must be Joe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzqacf/i_was_walking_past_a_homeless_man_when_he_yelled/
%
My ideal job would be cleaning mirrors.

Yup... I could see myself doing that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzq7yx/my_ideal_job_would_be_cleaning_mirrors/
%
A little boy walks into the living room and catches his dad jerking off...

Kid yells "ewww!"
Dad says "oh whatever, you'll be doing this soon yourself."
"No I won't!" yells back the kid.
"Oh yes you will, my arm is getting tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzq75r/a_little_boy_walks_into_the_living_room_and/
%
A priest was seen in a casino bet on horses.

Someone went to him and said:” Father, you know it is a sin to gamble right?” The priest replied:” I am not gambling, I am doing God’s bidding.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzq6gp/a_priest_was_seen_in_a_casino_bet_on_horses/
%
A beach ball was $50

So I asked the manager, "Why is this so expensive?"
The manager replied, "Inflation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzq3zd/a_beach_ball_was_50/
%
A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached home plate, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "run, run!" This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.
The Scotchman was now exited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotchman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotchman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotchman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "he can't run - he got four balls."
The Scotchman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man... walk with pride!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzq3wg/a_scottish_man_was_at_a_baseball_game/
%
The doctor says I lost 25% of my grip after I fractured my arm

RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzq0s5/the_doctor_says_i_lost_25_of_my_grip_after_i/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather,

not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzpz10/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzpyqh/a_chemistry_professor_posted_a_bonus_question_to/
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A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.
"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"
"A shark bit off me leg."
"And the hook?"
"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."
The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.
"What about the eyepatch?"
"A seagull pooped in me eye."
"A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned.
"Well, 'twas me first day with the hook..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzpt5b/a_pirate_with_an_eye_patch_a_peg_leg_and_a_hook/
%
What did Sonic say when he started with the Ramadan?

Gotta go fast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzprv4/what_did_sonic_say_when_he_started_with_the/
%
What's a right winger's favourite word game?

Mad libs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzpr2y/whats_a_right_wingers_favourite_word_game/
%
One day a priest went out to his farm to check his hens, but to his surprise there was no rooster! During mass he asked, “Has anyone here seen a cock?”

All the women stood up.
He then said, “I mean, has anyone got a cock?”
All the men stood up.
He said, “No, no, I mean has anyone seen a cock that does not belong to them?”
Half the women stood up.
“No, no, no, I mean has anyone seen my cock?”
All the choir boys stood up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzpjhw/one_day_a_priest_went_out_to_his_farm_to_check/
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An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before."

Original joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzpgry/an_original_joke_walks_into_a_bar_and_the/
%
A farmer is tired of milking his cows,

So one day, when he sees an advertisement for an automatic cow milker, he immediately orders it.
Two weeks later, when his wife is out buying groceries, the package arrives. The farmer, feeling very horny, opens it up, immediately sticks his dick into it, and turns it on.
The orgasm he experiences is the best he's ever had. He thinks about how subpar sex with his wife feels in comparison, and soon he finishes, he looks for the button to release his dick.
To his surprise, he wasn't able to find one. He pressed all the buttons, flipped all the levers, and read through the entire 108 page manual, but couldn't find anything. Desperately, he finds the number for customer service and calls it.
As soon as the person on the other side picks up, the farmer asks, "Excuse me, but how do I release my- er, my cow's udder from the machine?"
The person on the other side laughs, and calmly replies, "Oh don't worry sir, the MilkMan 401 is designed to automatically release the udder!"
The farmer, relieved, says, "Oh, good. Say, when does it release the udder?" To which the man replies,
"Once it's collected a gallon of milk of course!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzpenb/a_farmer_is_tired_of_milking_his_cows/
%
My wife said I need to stop questioning everything she says.

Does anyone know what she means by that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzpcog/my_wife_said_i_need_to_stop_questioning/
%
What's the worst thing to say before a driving exam?

"This thing does have airbags, right?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzpbit/whats_the_worst_thing_to_say_before_a_driving_exam/
%
It's hard to be a Buddhist in todays digital world, especially when it comes to emails.

No attachments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzp8no/its_hard_to_be_a_buddhist_in_todays_digital_world/
%
Atheism is a

non-prophet organization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzp6sv/atheism_is_a/
%
My conservative family keeps telling me, “Try to be more like Jesus!”

So I converted to Judaism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzp650/my_conservative_family_keeps_telling_me_try_to_be/
%
So I went in the butchers and he said " I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf" I answered "I don't bet" "Why" he asked...

"The stakes are too high"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzp0n7/so_i_went_in_the_butchers_and_he_said_i_bet_you/
%
Asda installed a medical kiosk, for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking  tennis elbow won't get better!
"Thank you for shopping at Asda "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzp066/asda_installed_a_medical_kiosk_for_10_and_a_urine/
%
A SINGLE mother wakes up from a COMA after giving BIRTH to TWINS…

She asks the doctor “Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!”
The doctor says “Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news.”
Immediately thinking the worst, the mother asks “Oh my God, what’s wrong?”
“Well, you were recovering for a long time,” the doctor says solemnly, “we had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them…”
Shocked, the mother asks “What did he name the girl?”
The doctor lets out a sigh and says “Denise.”
“Oh!” The mother says, “That’s a lovely name, what about the boy?”
The doctor places a hand on the mother’s shoulder, shaking his head he says…
“Denephew.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzot2t/a_single_mother_wakes_up_from_a_coma_after_giving/
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What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzoqp3/what_do_you_call_a_french_man_wearing_sandals/
%
I went to a fancy dress party carrying my girlfriend on my back, someone asked "What are you supposed to be?" I answered "A turtle" "Why?" they asked...

"That's Michelle" I said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzoo57/i_went_to_a_fancy_dress_party_carrying_my/
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Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?

Answer: Ireland’s.
-
Every year it’s Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzokla/which_countrys_capital_is_the_fastest_growing/
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Stomach finds out all organs are organizing to plot against it.

It turns to bladder and says: urine this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzok27/stomach_finds_out_all_organs_are_organizing_to/
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Insomniacs are sick human beings...

...how do they even sleep at night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzogl0/insomniacs_are_sick_human_beings/
%
My neighbor accused me of stalking her.

If you ask me, that's a pretty bold allegation for someone without a single book about law on the shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzoeu1/my_neighbor_accused_me_of_stalking_her/
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A poem

A Republican, a hippy and an Alabaman belle,
A Russian, an Australian, two Africans as well,
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot,
An Arab and an Indian, some more that I forgot,
Five Mexicans on burro-back, sombreroed for the sun,
Bob-headed anti-vax moms asking “R U OK HUN?”
A Crossfitter, an atheist, a vegan and a Nazi,
A Christian and a Muslim by the back door playing Yahtzee,
A gaggle of old ladies reeking of Werther’s and mould,
A Jew sat near them covetously counting up his gold,
A black, a white, a red, a brown, a yellow and a pink,
And one Italian plumber fiddling with a kitchen sink,
A blonde, two gingers, three brunettes all entering in tow,
A Thai, a Viet and a Pinoy offering to blow,
An imam and a rabbi, a guru and a priest,
A fat pimp and his prostitute, her snatch covered in yeast,
And finally, the President, still missing half his brain,
All walked into a bar one day to get out of the rain,
The manager stormed down the stairs, a strong and surly bloke,
He snarled and screamed and spat his lungs: “IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzoe2s/a_poem/
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What's something men have but feminists never see?

Good qualities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzod9c/whats_something_men_have_but_feminists_never_see/
%
Three Hard Mice

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:  "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.  When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila.  He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.  He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home.  In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit.  I gotta go home and f*ck the cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzoa2p/three_hard_mice/
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During the Cold War an East German sneaks into West Germany

Once there, he immediately asks for political asylum. The West German authorities decide though to question him first.
"How is the work there?"
"Can't complain"
"How is the housing there?"
"Can't complain"
"How is food availability there?"
"Can't complain"
"Then why did you come here?"
"Because here i can complain"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzo9v1/during_the_cold_war_an_east_german_sneaks_into/
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Dude exclusively hangs out with other dudes...kisses the dude he loves best...never gets married or even has a gf. You’re thinking what I’m thinking, right?

Yep, it’s Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzo8ox/dude_exclusively_hangs_out_with_other_dudeskisses/
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Which city has the highest concentration of superheros?

Capetown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzo701/which_city_has_the_highest_concentration_of/
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A man is leaving work late. He gets into his car and goes home.

On the way he reaches a long, straight stretch of road with no other cars, so he decides to speed up a bit.
As he passed a lay-by, a police car turns on its lights and sirens and motions to him to pull over.
The man does, and a police officer gets out and walks up to the man.
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No Officer" replies the man.
"You were doing 68 in a 55 zone. What do you have to say about that?"
"Couldn't you make the number funnier a bit." Replies the man. "You know, so I can hear the judge say it?"
"Alright." Agrees the police officer.
3 weeks later it's the man's trial. He turns up to court and the judge reads the case document.
About halfway down the page the judge suddenly stops reading and looks up in shock.
"In god's name explain to me. How the fuck were you going at 420 in a 55 zone???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzo2ya/a_man_is_leaving_work_late_he_gets_into_his_car/
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Thought I saw the first ever super hero today, he was running down our street wearing a cape.

Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzo2y6/thought_i_saw_the_first_ever_super_hero_today_he/
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Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, “My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.”

A second guy says, “What’s that?”
The first guy says, “That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.”
Another one says, “My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.”
A girl asks, “What’s that?”
He says, “That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.”
A lady says, “That’s nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.”
Larry says, “A WIFE? What’s a WIFE?”
She says, “That means, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzo21g/some_people_are_sitting_in_a_bar_when_one_guy/
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What’s the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine

A porcupine doesn’t have leather seats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzo089/whats_the_difference_between_a_porsche_and_a/
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How does moses make coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bznsnz/how_does_moses_make_coffee/
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Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bznrcq/do_you_want_a_brief_explanation_of_what_an_acorn/
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If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN

They get very angry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bznp7k/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
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Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?

They both depend on the batter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bznp1n/why_is_a_baseball_team_similar_to_a_muffin/
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My friend got so high he fell down and split his skull open.

Crackhead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bznl79/my_friend_got_so_high_he_fell_down_and_split_his/
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My relationship with my ex was very psychological

She's a psycho and I am logical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bznj00/my_relationship_with_my_ex_was_very_psychological/
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I think atoms are chronic liars in a group setting.

Because they make everything up together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bznili/i_think_atoms_are_chronic_liars_in_a_group_setting/
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Jewish Joke: I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number

I told her we use names here....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bznflm/jewish_joke_i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_for/
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There was a blonde, a red head, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island...

...and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 20 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzndia/there_was_a_blonde_a_red_head_and_a_brunette_they/
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What do you call a nose with no body?

Nobody knows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzncua/what_do_you_call_a_nose_with_no_body/
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Two cannibals were eating a clown.

One asked the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bznb4f/two_cannibals_were_eating_a_clown/
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I had a checkup at the doctor's today

She shone the light in my eyes, listened to my breathing then stopped and looked at me gravely and said, "Bob, you need to stop masturbating."
I says "What, why?"
"Because I'm examining you right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bznanm/i_had_a_checkup_at_the_doctors_today/
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Where is an assassin’s favorite place to shop?

Target.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzna43/where_is_an_assassins_favorite_place_to_shop/
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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzn8rl/i_got_fired_from_the_sperm_bank_yesterday/
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A hideous little orc is in the kingdom's capital, looking to acquire medicine for his sick mom.

Nobody can stand the sight of him, with some even threatening violence of he doesn't leave.
He finds and alchemist's medicine shop at the market and tells him about his mother's illness.
"Ah, but of course!" says the alchemist, "It's clearly a case of Sakiara Fever. It's not very common at all, but I've got just the thing."
The alchemist rummages through his wares for a moment and pulls out a bottle with blue liquid in it, sealed by a cork.
"Pandoria Solution, this should do the trick just fine. Have her take a sip with every meal for a day and the day after she should be healthy. That'll be 600 Crowns."
The orc, with a smile on his face, searches the small field pouch tied to his belt to pull out his money. He counts, 100 Crowns... 200 Crowns... 300 Crowns... 400 Crowns... 500 Crowns...
His smile quickly goes away when he realizes he's 100 Crowns short. He looks at the alchemist, to which the alchemist says "Sorry, youngster. It's as low as it goes. I can't operate at a loss."
Defeated, he starts waking away when a man grabs his shoulder. It was a large man clad in shining armor, and an ornate helmet that was too beautiful for words. The knight pulls out a nugget of ore from his pocket, probably worth around 150 Crowns, and hands it to the ugly orc, saying "Take it, you need it more than I do". In the shock of the moment, the orc couldn't think what to say to the generous man...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzn60g/a_hideous_little_orc_is_in_the_kingdoms_capital/
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A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.
&nbsp;
One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river had flooded.
&nbsp;
Overflowing its banks, the waters swelled and flowed past, getting ever so closer to the hunter's abode. It would not reach the house, the hunter observed, for it had the higher ground. But there was no hope for the vegetable garden -- it was only a matter of minutes before the floodwaters would wash over it, ruining his harvest for that season.
&nbsp;
_"Goddammit,"_ the hunter muttered.
&nbsp;
Right before the hunter's eyes, a bolt of lightning struck the bank at the other side of the river, followed by a deafening clap of thunder and a massive explosion. Trees, rocks and chunks of dirt flew hundreds of feet into the air!
&nbsp;
No sooner had the debris started falling back to the ground when a monstrous tornado blew in from parts unknown and scooped them right up again. The tornado headed straight towards the river, uprooting more trees and rocks in its path, carving a deep gouge into the earth.
&nbsp;
As soon as the tornado blew across the river, there was another flash of lightning and deafening clap of thunder. The tornado disappeared as quickly as it had materialised. The uprooted trees, rocks and dirt crashed into the river, diverting its waters into the deep gouge in the earth. The floodwaters receded, having come within inches of the hunter's vegetable garden.
&nbsp;
Having witnessed the whole extravaganza from start to finish, the hunter could only stare, wide eyed, his legs shaking and mouth hanging stupidly open. It was a while before he finally managed to speak.
&nbsp;
_"Whoa."_
&nbsp;
From above him a voice boomed:
&nbsp;
**_”YOU'RE WELCOME."_**
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzn51y/a_hunter_lived_alone_in_the_middle_of_a_forest_in/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzn4sw/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza mixed up

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzn4cj/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_mixed_up/
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I hate sex jokes

I just never get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzn36z/i_hate_sex_jokes/
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What type of tomato smells best?

A Roma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzmrh5/what_type_of_tomato_smells_best/
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Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off an afternoon "Quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and report on all of the neighbourhoods activities.
"There´s a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
He began his commentary, as his parents put their plan into action.
"Looks like the Anderson´s have company!" he shouted out
"Matt´s riding a new bike"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving"
After a few moments, he shouts "The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, his mom and dad shot up in bed, dad cautiously calls out "How do you know they´re having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on the balcony with a Popsicle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzmpyj/afternoon_sex/
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What do you call a bunch of Pissed off fishermen?

Salty seamen
My girlfriend came up with this
Say hi if you want to be in the screenshot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzmoqd/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_pissed_off_fishermen/
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My neighbour showed up at my party last night.

Me: My friend Jack is coming as well btw
Them: The cannibal Jack or the Jack that can't spell?
Me \[checks my phone for Jack's text message: I can't wait to meat ur neighbours!\]: Yeah I'm not sure either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzmlha/my_neighbour_showed_up_at_my_party_last_night/
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A woman walks into the farmer’s market and says,

“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.”
The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.”
So the woman leaves.
A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.”
The clerk says, “I apologize miss, but we’ll be out of tomatoes for the next few days.  Actually, weren’t you in earlier today also? How about you give me your number and we’ll call when our shipment comes in.”
So she gives him the number and leaves again.
Just before the market is getting ready to close, the same woman comes in again and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes”
The clerk, exasperated, pulls the woman aside and asks her, “Lady, what would you get if you took the sun out of a sunflower?
The woman, sort of confused thinks and then replies, “well, I guess you’d have just a flower.”
He says, “Great.  Now, what would you get if you took the orange out of orange juice?”
The woman, proud of herself responds, “you’d have only juice.”
“Okay, good job.  Now, what do you get if you take the fuck out of tomatoes?”
Perplexed, she finally responds, “wait a minute, there’s no fuck in tomatoes.”
He yells in her face, “That’s right, there’s no fuckin’ tomatoes!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzmj85/a_woman_walks_into_the_farmers_market_and_says/
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a tire?

Well first the tire needs to want to be changed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzmj10/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiney new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that !
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen.
"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. Your wife will still be there when you get home".
“Oh, she’s not at home.”
“Where is she?”
“Still in the ditch with the Harley...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzmbol/while_riding_my_harley_i_swerved_to_avoid_hitting/
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My dad said "What rhymes with orange"

I said " no it doesn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzm7o5/my_dad_said_what_rhymes_with_orange/
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I’m going to hell for this one....

A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks “Do we have time?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzlypm/im_going_to_hell_for_this_one/
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If gay means happy...

Then I'm so fucking straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzly65/if_gay_means_happy/
%
Keanu Reeves jokes

I feel like we should start making 'Keanu Reeves' jokes like 'Chuck Noris' jokes!
Keanu Reeves can gargle peanutbutter.
Some kids wear Superman PJs, Superman wears Keanu Reeves PJs
Keanu Reeves had a staring contest with the sun, and won
Why did the chicken cross the road, it was following Keanu Reeves
Personally would love to hear more lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzlwf3/keanu_reeves_jokes/
%
Why are ugly women pretty intense?

Because there is no light in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzlkrh/why_are_ugly_women_pretty_intense/
%
My wife was watching the football game so I asked her,

"Hey, in the commercials during the first two quarters, did they advertise that new Jordan Peele movie or that alkaline solution from that one West African country?'
"They had 'Us' in the first half, not Ghana lye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzlkdi/my_wife_was_watching_the_football_game_so_i_asked/
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Me: what time is it?

Tour Guide: 4:20
Me: how can you tell?
Tour Guide: See how high the sun is?
\[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzlgtu/me_what_time_is_it/
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The past, present, and future all walked into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzl8td/the_past_present_and_future_all_walked_into_a_bar/
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I never understood school shooting jokes..

I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzl5ss/i_never_understood_school_shooting_jokes/
%
What happens when you cross a sheep with consequence?

Ramifications

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzl50m/what_happens_when_you_cross_a_sheep_with/
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I lost my father recently.. I’ll never forget the last thing he said before pulling the plug.

You’re adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzl45q/i_lost_my_father_recently_ill_never_forget_the/
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Knock Knock

Who's there?
Doorbell Repairman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzl1ti/knock_knock/
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Why did the cow go to the spa?

She really needed a good rej-hoove-ination!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzkzxq/why_did_the_cow_go_to_the_spa/
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Asda installed a medical kiosk, for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking  tennis elbow won't get better!
"Thank you for shopping at Asda "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzkz4r/asda_installed_a_medical_kiosk_for_10_and_a_urine/
%
"Doctor, I feel as though nobody understands me."

"What do you mean by that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzkyl2/doctor_i_feel_as_though_nobody_understands_me/
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I once saw a thief get arrested after they tripped during a police chase.

I hear they were charged with fell on knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzkws1/i_once_saw_a_thief_get_arrested_after_they/
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I'm reading a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzkunk/im_reading_a_horror_novel_in_braille/
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Why was the porn actor fired?

He came too late at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzktr0/why_was_the_porn_actor_fired/
%
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!” I fucking hate carrots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzksig/so_i_caught_my_girlfriend_masturbating_with_a/
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Two cannibals were walling down the street.

They were going to meet with all the other cannibals in their village, but as they're walking together, one turns to the other and says: "I don't feel so good."
The other one goes: "What's wrong?"
The first one whimpers: "My tummy, it hurts."
The second one says: "It must have been something you've eaten. Do you remember anything you've eaten recently?"
The first one says: "Oh Yeah! I had boiled some of those cross-wearing men in brown clothes yesterday."
the second one immediately understands, and replies: "I know why your tummy is hurting! You cooked them wrong!"
"I cooked those strange, bald-on-the-top-of-their-heads-men wrong? What did I do?"
"Those are friars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzkk8e/two_cannibals_were_walling_down_the_street/
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I never thought I'd be in the competitive world of long-distance ejaculation

And now look how far I've come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzkgcq/i_never_thought_id_be_in_the_competitive_world_of/
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I was at a family reunion when my cousin said he got a job as a crime scene cleaner

I asked then asked him “what side of the law?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzkeg2/i_was_at_a_family_reunion_when_my_cousin_said_he/
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NSFW An Alabama girl comes home...

An Alabama girl comes home from college after dropping out. Her dad answers the door and asks her, “what the hell are you doing here?” She answers that she dropped out of college and wants to become a prostitute, and needs a place to stay. He shouts, “No way in hell are you becoming a prostitute! That’s not how I raised you! You can stay in your old room but you MAY NOT become a prostitute!”
They procede to argue back and forth and back and forth, louder and louder until even the neighbors could hear! Eventually, she storms past him, up the stairs, into her old room, and then slams the door shut and locks it.
She sighs in despair, and turns around, only to see her brother lying naked on her bed. Before she could say anything, he asks, “is there a family discount?”
This is my first post on r/Jokes! Hope you liked it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzkdyo/nsfw_an_alabama_girl_comes_home/
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I went to a bisexual saloon

Even the doors swung both ways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzkdbm/i_went_to_a_bisexual_saloon/
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Things aren't always #000000 and #FFFFFF

There are so many shades of #808080

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzkdao/things_arent_always_000000_and_ffffff/
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How many Harvard Graduates does it take to change a lightbulb

One: all they need to do is hold the lightbulb in place and wait for the world to revolve around them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzk816/how_many_harvard_graduates_does_it_take_to_change/
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After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the university's brightest minds. A researcher of Astrophysics, who had led the field for many years and had produced many papers theorising cosmic events was first. The archaeologist told him to ask the book one question, and to document whether the response was accurate.
The astrophysicist thought for a moment and asked the book "What was existence like before the Big Bang?"
The archaeologist opened the book and showed the physicist, and he instantly went insane and began scrawling equations on the nearest pad of paper, mumbling distressed words to himself.
Shocked and uneasy, but willing to see his research through, the archaeologist moved on to the next researcher, a leading professor of Mathematics. She had produced many papers and interpretations on numbers themselves, and the human interpretations behind ever-growing sequences. The archaeologist asked the mathematician to ask the book a question.
The mathematician barely thought for a second. "How can a human being best visualise infinity?"
The archaeologist once again opened the book and showed it to the mathematician. Her eyes widened in shock and confusion and she, too, went insane immediately. She ran out of the room yelling, back to her notes to make sense of what she'd seen.
Shaken but persistent, the archaeologist turned to the final volunteer. He was one of the world's most highly regarded philosophers, and had spent his whole life researching different views and interpretations of a variety of philosophical debates. The philosopher knew the process by now, and confidently asked:
"What is the meaning of life?"
The archaeologist opened the book and showed the philosopher. Confused at first, the philosopher let out a sigh.
"My dear boy, I'm afraid to say that your book doesn't work. The pages are blank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzk5r5/after_years_of_research_and_exploration_an/
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2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

These are the prime years of your life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzk4t1/2_3_5_7_11_13_17_19_23_29_31_37_41_43_47_53_59_61/
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Pollution will make our air too toxic to breathe if our governments don't take action soon

But I'm not holding my breath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzk1jh/pollution_will_make_our_air_too_toxic_to_breathe/
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A man decides he'd like to go bear hunting

So finds himself a rifle and heads for bear country. Comes across this great big bastard and lines him up for a headshot. His nerves get the better of him, and his aim is bad – instead of a kill shot he puts the round straight thru that bear’s ear. The bear is furious. Quick as a flash, runs over to the hunter, takes his rifle off him, bends him over a tree stump and rapes the shit out of him. The hunter limps back to town and buys a bigger gun. Next day, he spots the same bear – the one with the hole in his ear. Lines up a shot and just grazes the bear’s shoulder. The bear runs over to him again, swats aside the rifle and ass rapes him again. The hunter is not in a good way at all, but returns the next day with an elephant gun, determined to shoot the bear. Lines up the shot, and just clear misses. The bear sighs, and shakes his head. Slowly walks over to the man, and gently rests his elephant gun against a tree.
“Sit down.” Says the bear.
The man sits uncomfortably on a fallen log.
“Let’s face it man,” continues the bear. “You’re not really here for the hunting are you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzjwgt/a_man_decides_hed_like_to_go_bear_hunting/
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I fucking hate one direction fans.

I like the ones that oscillate back and forth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzjwf9/i_fucking_hate_one_direction_fans/
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A drunk woman, stark naked, gets into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish guy slowly answered "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasnt staring at you like you tink. Dat vould not be proper."
The woman giggled and responded "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused for a moment, then told her
“Vell.... M'am, I am looking, and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in Da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzjw73/a_drunk_woman_stark_naked_gets_into_a_taxi_in_new/
%
What fashionable shoes do ninjas wear to the anesthesiologist?

Numb Chucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzjq9a/what_fashionable_shoes_do_ninjas_wear_to_the/
%
What do drain cleaner and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzjo56/what_do_drain_cleaner_and_a_dutch_stripper_have/
%
An Australian superhero tracks down his arch nemesis...

He camps outside his evil lair to do some reconnaissance before going in. The next day he goes in but gets captured.
Villain: “Did you come here to die?”
Hero: “Nah mate, I came here yesterday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzjnc3/an_australian_superhero_tracks_down_his_arch/
%
Two nuns are driving down the road...

Suddenly, a vampire jumps on the bonnet.
Nun 1: God in heaven! Teresa, show it your cross!
Nun 2: GET OFF THE BLOODY CAR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzjmmc/two_nuns_are_driving_down_the_road/
%
On their wedding night, a young bride asked her new husband to pay her $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
Ahe explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzjlfj/on_their_wedding_night_a_young_bride_asked_her/
%
Thanks for explaining the word many to me

It means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzjizq/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
%
Why did the mouse go to the Swiss Bank?

To take out a provolone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzjdlk/why_did_the_mouse_go_to_the_swiss_bank/
%
Three men were lost in the forest...

...and were captured by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibal king told their newfound prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go out into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the three men went their separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and replied victoriously, "I found ten apples," and laid them out in front of the king. The king then explained the second step of trial to him. "In order to live, you will have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten." The man's smile instantly vanished.
The first apple went in with no expression... but just as the second was nearly through, he winced out in pain, and so he was killed.
The second man arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself,  "this should be easy." 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8 berries went into his rectum, but on the ninth, he burst out into laughter and was instantly killed.
The first guy and the second guy meet by the Pearly Gates in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" The second one replied, barely holding onto his sides, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with **pineapples!**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzj7d8/three_men_were_lost_in_the_forest/
%
Last night I asked my wife to shave her cunt

This morning I woke up and I was bald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzj6o7/last_night_i_asked_my_wife_to_shave_her_cunt/
%
What does Thor call his underpants?

Thunderwear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzj6l9/what_does_thor_call_his_underpants/
%
I was in a field and this farmer came up to me and said " I got 68 sheep can you round them up for me ?"...

I said "Sure, 70" ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzj6jq/i_was_in_a_field_and_this_farmer_came_up_to_me/
%
Trial for Laughing

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling uncomfortable due to her condition.
She changed her seat and the man seemed more amused.
She moved again and the man laughed even more!
She filed a court case against him.
But in court, the man's defense was:
"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing that she was pregnant.
She then sat under a movie ad which read "Coming Soon- The creature from Hell!"
I was even more amused when she moved and sat under a female deoderant advertisement,
which read : "The love stick did the trick"...
Then I completely lost it when she moved a third time under an advert for tires which read : "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident"."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzj42q/trial_for_laughing/
%
Did you know that protons have mass ?

Lol i din't even knew they were catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzj3wg/did_you_know_that_protons_have_mass/
%
How many redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well technically they don’t actually screw in the light-bulbs, they only copy and paste them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzj0r7/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What did the grumpy old British guy use to keep kids off his lawn?

Sod-off shotgun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzizov/what_did_the_grumpy_old_british_guy_use_to_keep/
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I'm still treating my burn

Older Englishman and I like to trade insults at work, and this happened...
Him: Oh dear, was having a good day and you show up.
Me: Don't make me start another Revolution to kick the rest of the English out.
Him (instantly): Well, you've been revolting for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzixqv/im_still_treating_my_burn/
%
What do you call fat Elton John?

Hot pocket man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzivph/what_do_you_call_fat_elton_john/
%
What do you call fake potatoes?

Imitaters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzivcq/what_do_you_call_fake_potatoes/
%
I lost 20% of my couch

Ouch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bziv09/i_lost_20_of_my_couch/
%
I recently took up blindfolded archery

I'm liking it a lot. If you haven't tried, give it a go.
You don't know what you're missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzisu1/i_recently_took_up_blindfolded_archery/
%
Did you hear over 1 million people took to the streets of Hong Kong to protest?

It was recorded as one of the least crowded days in Hong Kong history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bziepp/did_you_hear_over_1_million_people_took_to_the/
%
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?

Darn Tutankhamun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzie59/waddaya_get_when_you_cross_a_cowboy_with_an/
%
Me (a Mexican): Oh shit, the printer says no papers

Coworker (also Mexican): Oh shit, Donald Trump is gonna get mad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzidh6/me_a_mexican_oh_shit_the_printer_says_no_papers/
%
A priest and a nun are sitting at a dinner table, eating spaghetti

With every bite, the nun, a notoriously sloppy eater, spills sauce on her clothing.
The priest says to the nun, "You've got some stains on your tunic," to which the nun replies, "It's a dirty habit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzid3u/a_priest_and_a_nun_are_sitting_at_a_dinner_table/
%
Where do frogs keep their money?

The river bank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzib5y/where_do_frogs_keep_their_money/
%
Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzi7vu/why_does_waldo_wear_striped_clothes/
%
I was assaulted this morning by six dwarves..

...Not Happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzi5dc/i_was_assaulted_this_morning_by_six_dwarves/
%
I tend to blame other people for my problems rather than taking responsibility.

I think it was the way I was raised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzi4k7/i_tend_to_blame_other_people_for_my_problems/
%
Two Chinese boys break into a distillery...

One turns to the other and says: "is this whiskey?"
The other boy replies: "Yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzi1hb/two_chinese_boys_break_into_a_distillery/
%
What's the fastest way to become the greatest Dictator in the world?

Fail art school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzhyes/whats_the_fastest_way_to_become_the_greatest/
%
Apparently most americans pray before they eat.

Could you imagine praying 18 times a day?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzhwni/apparently_most_americans_pray_before_they_eat/
%
My wife though I was stupid for saying that I could drive a car made from macaroni...

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzhwkf/my_wife_though_i_was_stupid_for_saying_that_i/
%
People call me a plagerist

Their words, not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzhsq6/people_call_me_a_plagerist/
%
I’m going for the Guinness world record for wasting other people’s time.

Thanks for helping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzhgdi/im_going_for_the_guinness_world_record_for/
%
A bus full of nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzh8wx/a_bus_full_of_nuns_falls_of_a_cliff_and_they_all/
%
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always
Coming
From
Take
Me
Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzh7rd/90_of_people_are_unable_to_solve_this_riddle_by/
%
So I walked into the sea holding a tub of humus and the bloke shouted "What are you doing?"...

I said "I'm taking a dip in the ocean" ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzh6ly/so_i_walked_into_the_sea_holding_a_tub_of_humus/
%
Rich, Dave, and Johnny

Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run you about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Dave also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Johnny doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
Johnny whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the other guy to fix the fence for $700.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzh2yz/rich_dave_and_johnny/
%
Exercise is like a drug to me

That’s why I’m drug free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzh0lj/exercise_is_like_a_drug_to_me/
%
My girlfriend left me because I am insecure.

Nevermind she's back, she went to pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzgtfb/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_i_am_insecure/
%
Why did the allied forces only like the last letter of the alphabet?

All the other letters were not-z

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzgqlg/why_did_the_allied_forces_only_like_the_last/
%
Why did the insomniac go to jail?

He was resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzgnqw/why_did_the_insomniac_go_to_jail/
%
Frank always looked on the bright side.

He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one Saturday, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Mr. Johnson, the CEO? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzgnax/frank_always_looked_on_the_bright_side/
%
How to avoid clickbait ?

Not like this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzgmcp/how_to_avoid_clickbait/
%
I have a fear of elevators...

but I'm taking steps to avoid it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzgl3l/i_have_a_fear_of_elevators/
%
My wife was feeling self conscious about her looks and said "I'm fucking ugly".

To which I responded, "we could have sex... then I'd be fucking ugly".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzginf/my_wife_was_feeling_self_conscious_about_her/
%
Two Whales

A male and a female whale were swimming along the coast of Japan and noticed a whaling ship not too far from them.
The male whale gets angry at the sight of the ship because his father was killed by whalers a few years ago.  He decides that he wants payback.  He turns to the female whale and asks her, "Hey, you know how these whalers keep murdering our friends and family right?"
The female whale nods in agreement.
So the male whale continues, "How bout we teach those whalers lesson then?"
To which the female whale replies, "Sure, what did you have in mind?"
Upon hearing her agreement, a devilish gleam can be seen in his eyes as he explains his plan.
"Let's swim deep down under the sea where they can't see us. Then we'll emerge right under their ship and use our blow holes to capsize it. "
The female whale agrees, and they immediately spring into action. They both dive down deeper into the ocean and go completely unnoticed by the whalers.  Then, slowly and meticulously, they emerge right under the ship. They then both blow as hard as they can out of their blow holes the combined air pressure topples the ship.
The whales both swim away, elated and laughing at their success with both whales yelling "yeah that'll teach them a lesson about killing whales!"
As the male whale looks back to admire the chaos they created, he notices the ship's crew swimming back to shore.  This gives him an idea and a devilish smile runs across his face as he turns to ask the female whale,
"Do you know what would really teach those whalers a lesson about killing whales?  Why don't we swim right up to them and gobble them all up?
To which the female whale shakes her head in disagreement and replies, "Look pal, I might have agreed to the blow job, but there ain't no way that I'm going to swallow seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzgf9c/two_whales/
%
What do you get when you catch a fake ghost?

A handful of sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzgde7/what_do_you_get_when_you_catch_a_fake_ghost/
%
Excuse me, is this the nostalgia club?

Yes, but it's not the same as it was back then...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzgd6t/excuse_me_is_this_the_nostalgia_club/
%
Why did the gangster have to keep seeing the eye doctor?

Because he had glock-oma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzgcd4/why_did_the_gangster_have_to_keep_seeing_the_eye/
%
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzgcc1/a_pirate_goes_to_the_doctor_and_say_i_have_moles/
%
What’s the difference between a job and a wife after 10 years?

The job still sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzga94/whats_the_difference_between_a_job_and_a_wife/
%
Went to the zoo

and they had a baguette in a cage...
It was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzga23/went_to_the_zoo/
%
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

'ell if I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzg9j0/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_with_a/
%
This guy walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for triple boilermaker.

Then he asks for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender asks, ”What’s the matter?”
”My wife and I got into a fight, and she she said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month.”
The bartender thought about it for a while, and said, “don't worry; it will be over before you know it.”
The guy replied, ”I know. This is the last night!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzg8jm/this_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
%
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused.
If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzg4gw/my_girlfriend_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the/
%
NSFW While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzg0ma/nsfw_while_riding_my_harley_i_swerved_to_avoid/
%
Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzfypi/scientist_my_findings_are_meaningless_if_taken/
%
A mental hospital decides to teach its patients the colors.

They first paint a wall red. Within the next day the patients had already eaten the wall.
Surprised but resilient, the doctors paint another wall and are again surprised that by tommorow the wall had been eaten.
Intrigued the doctors paint another wall green but this time the patients just sit in front of it and wait.
A doctor asks a patient who was staring at the wall: "Why aren't you eating this wall like the other 2 "
The patient: "This one isn't ripe yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzfy86/a_mental_hospital_decides_to_teach_its_patients/
%
A Mexican serial killer killed dos people

He never even left a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzfx7e/a_mexican_serial_killer_killed_dos_people/
%
[Religion] A friend of mine opened a store in Afghanistan which sells exploding prayer mats.

From what he's told me of his sales, prophets are going through the roof :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzfujj/religion_a_friend_of_mine_opened_a_store_in/
%
They say that orienteering gives you a sense of freedom.

I don’t think that is true, there are controls everywhere!
(Seeing as Americans don’t know what orienteering is I foresee this joke bombing!) :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzfpji/they_say_that_orienteering_gives_you_a_sense_of/
%
I've just stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzfhm7/ive_just_stayed_up_all_night_trying_to_figure_out/
%
What do you call a black pilot?

A pilot you racist fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzf7n7/what_do_you_call_a_black_pilot/
%
Husband and wife are preparing for bed...

The wife picks her eye drops. Puts 2 drops in her left eye, 2 drops in her right eye and 5 drops between her legs.
The husband saw her and screams:
"Why you put these drops there?!"
"It hasn't seen anything for a while"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzf5v3/husband_and_wife_are_preparing_for_bed/
%
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s President Trump clock?” asked the man.
“Trump's clock is in Jesus’ office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzeqsu/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven_as_he_stood_in/
%
My son Luke loves where his name came from

My daughter Chewbecca doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzeqe9/my_son_luke_loves_where_his_name_came_from/
%
I’m coming

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw.
He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear.
So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs.
He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw."
The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.
The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!''
The laborer looks at the construction worker and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzekq4/im_coming/
%
A racist, an adulterer, and a criminal walk into a bar...

The bartender asks, "What can I get you Mr. President?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzeild/a_racist_an_adulterer_and_a_criminal_walk_into_a/
%
The Chicken

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
To get to the same side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzehuz/the_chicken/
%
Dennis and two pigs are flying a spaceship

Mission control: Pig one, press the red button!
the pig says 'oink oink' and presses the red button.
Mission control: Pig two, press the blue button!
the other pig says 'oink oink' and presses the blue button.
Mc: Dennis, feed the pigs and don't touch anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzeg6a/dennis_and_two_pigs_are_flying_a_spaceship/
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Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!

Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzec8g/man_judge_60_of_my_parking_tickets_are_bogus/
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Did you hear about Dolly Parton's husband becoming a professional sperm doner?

* He's jerkin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a living.
(I made this up and i'm kinda proud' feel free to spread it around the globe try it on your friend / spouse now and tell me if it got a smile / laugh - or a slow head shake and a sigh)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzebo0/did_you_hear_about_dolly_partons_husband_becoming/
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An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'
'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the \*lawyer was banging his head against the wall.\*
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bze8qb/an_elderly_woman_walked_into_the_royal_bank_of/
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Give a man a fish...

you feed him for a day.
Give a fish a man,
you feed it for a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bze19l/give_a_man_a_fish/
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I coult figure out why my bike wouldn't stand up on it's own

Then I realized it was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdzn2/i_coult_figure_out_why_my_bike_wouldnt_stand_up/
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How far away is the gay bar from the mosque?

It's a stone's throw away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdxoa/how_far_away_is_the_gay_bar_from_the_mosque/
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What do you call an evil person?

Steve. Fuck you Steve I hope you die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdw6d/what_do_you_call_an_evil_person/
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What do you call a Texan cattle herder who wants to make holy war?

A yeehawdi.     (Jihadi)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdvmg/what_do_you_call_a_texan_cattle_herder_who_wants/
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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

…so she decides to teach him a lesson!
Usually every night plays out the same way. Her husband comes home drunk as a skunk, walks directly to the bathroom to take a shit after which he makes his way to the bedroom, collapses on the bed and starts snoring like a freight train.
The woman is counting on this night to play out the same way. Earlier in the day she visited the local butcher where she bought pig intestines. Once she got home she placed the intestines in the toilet bowl.
At ten past midnight her husband stumbles through the front door, reeking of booze. Without so much as a “Hi” to acknowledge the existence of his wife he makes his way to the bathroom.
Ten minutes go by. Twenty, thirty, forty. The woman actually starts to become a little worried but decides to wait her husband out.
After almost an hour her husband finally emerges from the bathroom. His face is bright red and dripping with sweat.
\- *“You will NOT believe what just happened to me! I shat out my intestines!!”*, says the husband.
Playing along the woman answers:
\- *“Shat out your intestines?!? How is that even possible?”*
\- *“You tell me!”*, responds the husband. *“And shitting them out was not even the worst part. The worst part was pushing them back in!!!”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdvm6/a_woman_is_tired_of_her_husband_coming_home_drunk/
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You: Bastard

Me: You just did
You: I'm not going to do that
Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdu3i/you_bastard/
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I told a chemistry joke in class today

There was no reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdshc/i_told_a_chemistry_joke_in_class_today/
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What's a car's favorite genre of literature? [OC]

An auto-biography!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdrlk/whats_a_cars_favorite_genre_of_literature_oc/
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What do you call a group of wizards?

A staff meeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdpzw/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_wizards/
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I told my friend a joke about water, but he didn’t laugh.

Maybe I just had pour timing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdgap/i_told_my_friend_a_joke_about_water_but_he_didnt/
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How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdf9u/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_wall/
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A joke for people your friend

3 men are sitting at a bar
Man1 I think I have the smallest arm in the world
Man2 I think I have the smallest foot in the world
Man3 I think I have the smallest penis in the world
So they go to the book of records and look it up
Man1 I’ve done it I’ve got the smallest arm in the world
Man2 same I’ve got the smallest foot in the world
Man3 comes out very angry screaming
Man3 WHO THE FREAK IS (insert name of your friend here)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdcfl/a_joke_for_people_your_friend/
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What do you call a snarky criminal falling down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdbyn/what_do_you_call_a_snarky_criminal_falling_down/
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A man owned a small ranch in Montana...

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.
“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.
The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”.  “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board”
“And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “
The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!”
“You already are”  replied the rancher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdblq/a_man_owned_a_small_ranch_in_montana/
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I think my goldfish has epilepsy

He’s fine swimming in the water but has a fit when I take him out to play.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzdadw/i_think_my_goldfish_has_epilepsy/
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I walked into the bedroom to find my wife...

...dead in the bed the other day.  Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go.  Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO!  Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzd8xt/i_walked_into_the_bedroom_to_find_my_wife/
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Rich man and a poor man share the same wedding anniversary...

Every year, they meet on Madison Avenue to shop for their wives.
So poor man says to the rich man, "what did ya get your wife this year"? Rich man says, "I got her a huge diamond ring and brand new Benz".
Poor man says, "well what did you get them both for?" Rich man says, "if she doesn't like the ring, she can take the Benz to bring it back and still be happy".
Rich man says to the poor man, "well what did you get your wife this year?". Poor man says, "a pair of slippers and a dildo".
"Pair of slippers and dildo? What did you get her that for?". Poor man says "she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzd2vl/rich_man_and_a_poor_man_share_the_same_wedding/
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$1,000 Apple Monitor Stand

That´s the entire fucking joke. A fucking $1,000 stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzd03r/1000_apple_monitor_stand/
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Apparently the French just bought the rights to make a Mercedes S-Class Van

Its called the S-Cargo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzcziz/apparently_the_french_just_bought_the_rights_to/
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If you want to know why R&B music is not popular in North Korea...

...it's because they have no Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzczi5/if_you_want_to_know_why_rb_music_is_not_popular/
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Today my wife said to me, "I can't even".

I said "That's odd".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzczdu/today_my_wife_said_to_me_i_cant_even/
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Lesbians don't cook dinner.

They eat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzcyot/lesbians_dont_cook_dinner/
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My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzcymm/my_brassiere_business_closed_today_and_i_have_a/
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I needed a password eight characters long

So i picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzcu3b/i_needed_a_password_eight_characters_long/
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A 90 year old woman just got married for the 4th time....

It was big news in a small town and a local reporter wanted to interview the lady for a story. The reporter asked the lady what professions her previous husbands had while they were married and before they passed on. "Well..." said the lady " My first husband was a banker, the second was a circus performer, my third was a Pastor and my fourth is an undertaker. "Wow such a diverse group of occupations!" said the reporter. "How do you explain it?" "Well..." said the lady, " one was for the money, two was for the show, three was to get ready, and four was to go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzctfs/a_90_year_old_woman_just_got_married_for_the_4th/
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Who designed the female body - an engineer or a biologist?

An engineer, only an engineer would place a waste disposal site so close to a recreation area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzcqo2/who_designed_the_female_body_an_engineer_or_a/
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And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life."

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzcmd1/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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My piggy bank is empty.

No change there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzcihg/my_piggy_bank_is_empty/
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A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink.

Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him.
The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter.
The Scot replied; "Aye lad, indeed there is. You see this bar here? I made this bar with me own two hands, slowly crafting it in the time-honored way of my forebears. It took me 4 months, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? Noooooo. "
"You know the dock that your ferry landed at the night before? I built that dock with me own bare hands, finely honing each joint so that it would withstand the weather that mother nature unravels upon it. It took nigh a year, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? Noooooo."
"And do you recall the livery stable you passed on the way into town? I stood that stable up in six months, with nary a bit o' help. To this day that stable is one of the finest in all of Scotland. But do they call me MacGregor that stable-maker? Nooooooo."
"But you fuck one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzciae/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_in_scotland_sat_down_and/
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Silence is golden

Duct tape is silver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzceh5/silence_is_golden/
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Apparently 3 out of 5 Americans live next to some sort of sexual pervert.

Not me, I live next to a sexy senior citizen with a prosthetic leg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzcee9/apparently_3_out_of_5_americans_live_next_to_some/
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Why is r/jokes the most environment-friendly sub?

Because we recycle 100%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzcdst/why_is_rjokes_the_most_environmentfriendly_sub/
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I met the guy who performed my eye surgery

I have to say he really opened my eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzcdlt/i_met_the_guy_who_performed_my_eye_surgery/
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
' Z A S T R Z E Z Y N S K I '
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzcbkn/a_polish_immigrant_went_to_the_dmv_to_apply_for_a/
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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .
P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzcbkb/if_all_people_were_like_redditors_we_would_have_a/
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What happened to the man who tried to catch fog?

He mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzcbgc/what_happened_to_the_man_who_tried_to_catch_fog/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

And a table and a wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzcatb/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Boss: "You're fired."

Me: *turns in gun and badge*
Boss: “You’re a janitor where did you get those”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzc8z3/boss_youre_fired/
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What’s a priests favourite song?

Magic flute in a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzc7ed/whats_a_priests_favourite_song/
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Past, present and future walk into a bar

It was tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzc10o/past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
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[Long] A man goes to a monastery in the middle of the Himalayas.

The man went to this monastery, because he wanted a break from the busy life of the city. Let's call him Dave.
Since they were in the middle of nowhere, and since he was going to be here a while, he decided to get to know some of the monks there. Apparently he hadn't been the first one to come to the monastery, since a lot of the priests had taken on Anglicized names. There was Tom, Richard, Harry, and a few others, but by far the most interesting was Sam. He had taken a vow of silence ever since he had come years ago. In all that time, they had only heard a sound out of his mouth once, reported to be the most beautiful singing they had ever heard.
Dave, wanting to hear this sound, decided to keep a ear out for any singing they heard over the next few months. Sure enough, once Dave had spent a couple weeks there, he heard the most beautiful sound: a single clear vocal pitch.
"Holy crap, I gotta get someone on this, so we don't lose the beauty of his voice," he thought. So when the next batch of post went out, he sent a letter to his friends back in the city, along with enough funds for travel, so they could hear the beauty of Sam's singing.
Sure enough, once Dave's friends had arrived and stayed a few nights, they heard another clear note. It managed to be even more beautiful than the last, as if somehow Sam was containing all he had observed in the last few years just in that sound. Luckily, Dave had a recording device on him, and managed to capture the moment to put on the internet.
The video went viral. Soon, everybody had heard of Sam's wonderful singing. To catch the next notes, the media began to show up at the once quiet monastery. The fourth, fifth and sixth notes all came and went, and people started piecing the notes together, making the most beautiful sound. When Sam was asked to name the composition so they could better refer to it, he simply scratched the word "galaxy" on a piece of paper. Sure enough, it did seem to encapsulate all the wonder of the galaxy.
At this point, it seemed the whole world, and indeed, the whole galaxy, longed for each note to come and go. Livestreams to see if they could catch the next brief moment of singing were commonplace, and each clip of Sam singing was more popular than the last. One day, Sam sung another note... only for the crowd to be horrified by seeing Sam explode.
"What happened?" Dave asked the monk next to him.
The monk only had one line.
"Sam sung galaxy note seven."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzbxhd/long_a_man_goes_to_a_monastery_in_the_middle_of/
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I banged 2 girls with morning wood

I guess I can call it a tree-some.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzbwmt/i_banged_2_girls_with_morning_wood/
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Why are fat people always friends with other fat people?

I guess you could say they just gravitate towards eachother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzbuwm/why_are_fat_people_always_friends_with_other_fat/
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What do you call a dog, that can do magic?

A-labra-kadabra-dor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzbqlc/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_can_do_magic/
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Two monkeys are sitting in a bath...

One monkey says “oooh oooh aaah aaah!”
The other says “put some cold water in then!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzbio5/two_monkeys_are_sitting_in_a_bath/
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A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison

He is slowly making progress day by day, but with just a spoon for a shovel it seems like an impossible task.
After numerous years of blood and sweat, he finally manages to reach the surface outside of the prison grounds.
He is overwhelmed with happiness and the thought of finally being free and can't hold in his excitement any longer. He starts shouting at the top of his lungs, "I am free, I am free, I am finally free".
A passing little boy walks up to him and says "Big whoop! I just turned four!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzbfsk/a_prisoner_is_digging_a_tunnel_out_of_prison/
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I took my new pet amphibian into work this morning.

My boss wanted to know why I had named my pet "Tiny".
I replied - "cause he's my newt".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzbfqo/i_took_my_new_pet_amphibian_into_work_this_morning/
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3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.
“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzbbx9/3_dead_bodies_turn_up_at_the_mortuary_all_with/
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Two soldiers are sitting in a tank

One tells to the other: "GLUB GLUB BLUH GLUB GLUH BLUB"
The other drowns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzb9a9/two_soldiers_are_sitting_in_a_tank/
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I'm an optimistic pessimist.

I'm positive things will go wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzb80j/im_an_optimistic_pessimist/
%
What do you call King Midas' balls?

Goldman Sachs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzb5n1/what_do_you_call_king_midas_balls/
%
Gods are petty and cruel

Just like the people who created them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzb3c3/gods_are_petty_and_cruel/
%
Why is there air conditioning in hospitals

To keep the vegetables cool and fresh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzb1a8/why_is_there_air_conditioning_in_hospitals/
%
I looked her square in the eyes and asked, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the job." the interviewer sighed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzb1a1/i_looked_her_square_in_the_eyes_and_asked/
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I apologized to my wife last night because I wasn’t able to perform during sex.

There were no hard feelings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzaybn/i_apologized_to_my_wife_last_night_because_i/
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What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzaxjw/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_who_escaped/
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I tried to pursue a career in the gay porn industry, but couldn’t get along with any of my coworkers.

They were all fucking assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzaxdh/i_tried_to_pursue_a_career_in_the_gay_porn/
%
A blind man was talking to a deaf man

He said to the deaf man, "You're as deaf as a doornail!"
Another guy came along and said, "You're talking to a doornail."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzatr4/a_blind_man_was_talking_to_a_deaf_man/
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I don't get what is so amazing about Spelling Bees

Bees B-E-E-S Bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzaqrr/i_dont_get_what_is_so_amazing_about_spelling_bees/
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Yesterday I went to the Polish embassy.....

It was really shiny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzap4t/yesterday_i_went_to_the_polish_embassy/
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TIL children had to stay a certain distance away from Kings in early England...

It was known as restricted heirspace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzap1t/til_children_had_to_stay_a_certain_distance_away/
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I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

She kicked me out and said “The men I please are none of your business!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzampl/i_was_at_a_restaurant_and_said_to_the_waitress/
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A woman died and got to heaven...

She suddenly appears in a big room full where the walls were covered in clocks, each one with a name on it.
She sees God and asks him "What are all of these clocks for?"
He answers "Each clock represents a member of your family. Every time he/she cheats on their significant other the hand moves once."
She tries to find her husband's clock but can't, so she asks God where is it.
"Oh your husband's clock? I keep that one in my office as a fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzalgw/a_woman_died_and_got_to_heaven/
%
What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An Investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzalcy/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
Stop making jokes about the new iMac Pro design

They are so cheesy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzakdm/stop_making_jokes_about_the_new_imac_pro_design/
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What do you call a person who jumps off a bridge in paris?

In seine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzaip3/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_jumps_off_a_bridge/
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What do you call an evil Muslim?

Muhahahahahahammed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzaidf/what_do_you_call_an_evil_muslim/
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Flavored lube is technically meat seasoning if you think about it

Wouldn’t use it on the grill, though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bzahub/flavored_lube_is_technically_meat_seasoning_if/
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What was Jesus' favorite flavor?

Saviory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bza4cs/what_was_jesus_favorite_flavor/
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Two trees, one straight and one gay, lived close in a forest.

The straight one used to tease the gay one, calling him " Faggot "
The gay tree was depressed,l used to cry all day long every day.
One day came a lumberjack and started to chop the straight tree, getting a really big bundle of firewood.
For the first time in his life, the gay tree was very happy and said, turning to the straight one : " **Who is the faggot now?** "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz9yeh/two_trees_one_straight_and_one_gay_lived_close_in/
%
Three hardened criminals were arrested last night.

They were all on Viagra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz9xy4/three_hardened_criminals_were_arrested_last_night/
%
What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?

A graveyard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz9wxr/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_unvaccinated_children/
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I call my dick reality

It’s often disappointing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz9ppx/i_call_my_dick_reality/
%
There are three guys a black guy, a white guy and an asian.

They get pulled over by a VERY gay police officer for speeding and he tells them if all together their penises add up to 20 inches, then he will let them go.
So they measure the black guy’s penis and its 10 inches.
Then they measure the white guy’s penis and It’s 9 inches.
They then measure the Asian guy’s penis and its 1 inch.
Since they add up to 20 the officer let’s them go.
While they are driving the black guy says, “we got away because I was 10 inches.”
Then the white guys says, “no it was because I was 9”
The Asian guy says, “no it was because I had a boner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz9nho/there_are_three_guys_a_black_guy_a_white_guy_and/
%
An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar...

I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz9n8f/an_atheist_a_vegan_and_a_crossfitter_walk_into_a/
%
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz9kvs/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
what do you call a successful cult?

a religion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz9jwn/what_do_you_call_a_successful_cult/
%
A DUCK walks into a PUB and orders a pint of BEER and a HAM sandwich

The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.” “Yep,” replies the duck. “And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.
“Yep again”, says the duck, “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?” “Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?” “I’m working on the building site across the road,”explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”
“Sounds marvellous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.” So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.” “I’m always looking for the next job,” Says the duck. “Where is it?” “At the circus,” Says the barman. “The circus?” Repeats the duck. “That’s right,” replies the barman. “The circus?” The duck asks again, “with the big tent?” “Yeah,” the barman replies. “With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.
“Of course,” the barman replies. “And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck. “That’s right!” says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz9jvh/a_duck_walks_into_a_pub_and_orders_a_pint_of_beer/
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On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz9gpg/on_some_air_bases_the_air_force_is_on_one_side_of/
%
We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started yelling and punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz96en/we_were_having_sex_the_other_night_and_to_my/
%
I visited my girlfriends family in Mexico during the summer.

They all laughed at me for wearing a sweater to dinner.
But, my girlfriend told me it would be chili

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz930w/i_visited_my_girlfriends_family_in_mexico_during/
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During basic training, I was teased horribly for wanting to join the Navy. That all changed when I was enlisted.

There’s no point teasing each other when you’re all in the same boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz8s7h/during_basic_training_i_was_teased_horribly_for/
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Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

Because it said 'concentrate'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz8s6t/why_did_the_blonde_stare_at_frozen_orange_juice/
%
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank...

One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz8p4d/two_goldfish_are_sitting_in_a_tank/
%
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz8oq2/a_train_station_is_where_the_train_stops_a_bus/
%
What did the father ant say to his son when they moved from america to france

Son, we are now Europeants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz8iid/what_did_the_father_ant_say_to_his_son_when_they/
%
I've got CDO.

It's basically OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order. as they should be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz8hyz/ive_got_cdo/
%
I just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon

I’ll let you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz890n/i_just_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_off_amazon/
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A kid asks his father "Dad whats politics?"

"Politics? Well, consider our home. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of you and your needs, so we'll call you the People. We'll call the maid the Working Class, and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand so far?"
"I'm not sure, Dad, I'll have to think about it."
Late that night, the boy's sleep was disturbed by the crying of his baby brother. He got up and fond that the baby had soiled its diaper. He went to his parents' room and found his mother fast asleep, and then discovered that is father was boinking the maid so vigorously that they didn't hear his knocks on the door. He returned to his bed and went to sleep.
Next morning he reported to his father. "Dad I now think I understand what politics is."
"Good my boy. Explain it to me in your own words."
"Well Capitalism is screwing the Working Class and the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz7ywc/a_kid_asks_his_father_dad_whats_politics/
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You know how I know it's time for a dad joke?

Watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz7ybl/you_know_how_i_know_its_time_for_a_dad_joke/
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The whole 'Chernobyl' topic is pretty hot right now.

Although I think it was a bit hotter in 1986.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz7vwk/the_whole_chernobyl_topic_is_pretty_hot_right_now/
%
Doesanyoneknowwhatthatlongthingatthebottomofthekeyboardisfor?

Oh I figured it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz7pgc/doesanyoneknowwhatthatlongthingatthebottomofthekey/
%
I got the words Jacuzzi and Yakuza mixed up.

Now im in hot water with the japanese mafia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz7gty/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_mixed_up/
%
What do you call a fake noodle?

An Impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz75bi/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
I’m not saying I hate you...

...but i would unplug your life support to charge my phone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz74i8/im_not_saying_i_hate_you/
%
When people say they can’t even...

I find it pretty odd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz7469/when_people_say_they_cant_even/
%
Two reasons I dont trust people

1) I dont know them
2) I know them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz73a6/two_reasons_i_dont_trust_people/
%
What do you call somebody who keeps on quitting their diet plans?

A desserter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz72ah/what_do_you_call_somebody_who_keeps_on_quitting/
%
My teacher asked me to characterize myself in five words.

“Quite lazy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz6vjp/my_teacher_asked_me_to_characterize_myself_in/
%
If I got 50c for each time I failed a math exam...

...I’d have $6.38 by now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz6unv/if_i_got_50c_for_each_time_i_failed_a_math_exam/
%
Using marijuana can cause memory loss.

Or even worse, memory loss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz6szw/using_marijuana_can_cause_memory_loss/
%
How does a tree get on the internet?

It logs in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz6sem/how_does_a_tree_get_on_the_internet/
%
What's Jesus's least favorite gun?

A nail gun
Sorry Christians, please don't get that cross with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz6roi/whats_jesuss_least_favorite_gun/
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Puns about the civil war? I General Lee don’t like them

Are puns even allowed on this subreddit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz6rlx/puns_about_the_civil_war_i_general_lee_dont_like/
%
In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.

Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz6npy/in_pharmacology_all_drugs_have_a_generic_name/
%
I drunk wakes up after a very long night of drinking.

He smells coffee and bacon/eggs cooking.He staggers down stairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall cool glass of water is in her hand for him.
He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst but she smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to relax and she will bring him his breakfast when it's ready.
He timidly asked her....so what happened last night when I got home?
Well you silly bastard, you got home absolutely shitfaced and couldn't even get undress to go to bed.
When I tried to help you out of your clothes you shouted get your filthy hands off me you fucking whore....I'm married, than you passed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz6i41/i_drunk_wakes_up_after_a_very_long_night_of/
%
Why do we have so many guys named Hunter

but no girls named Gatherer?
source: not sure if this was a genuine question from nephew or a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz6h1c/why_do_we_have_so_many_guys_named_hunter/
%
How many Potatos does it take to kill an Irish Person?

Zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz6flr/how_many_potatos_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
%
Went to the doctor today

He was super nice and friendly. He even massaged my shoulders while he did my prostate exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz6dtw/went_to_the_doctor_today/
%
What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A Roaming Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz6dox/what_do_you_call_a_sleep_walking_nun/
%
What's the best way to make your friend a drink?

Put him in the blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz69ba/whats_the_best_way_to_make_your_friend_a_drink/
%
How many Swedish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I have no IKEA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz68e4/how_many_swedish_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
Two men walk into a bar, what do they get?

Concussions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz66xt/two_men_walk_into_a_bar_what_do_they_get/
%
A midget came into the police station to report that he had been pickpocketed.

How could anybody stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz66ph/a_midget_came_into_the_police_station_to_report/
%
A pizza slice walks into a bar asking for a drink

The bartender says:
"Sorry, we don't serve food here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz61dx/a_pizza_slice_walks_into_a_bar_asking_for_a_drink/
%
Three men were on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighter.

So they tossed one overboard and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz5zka/three_men_were_on_a_boat_with_four_cigarettes_but/
%
Family Drama

My son: I got a D in my math
Me: That's really bad
My wife: You need to stop doing his homework

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz5rwn/family_drama/
%
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One's pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz5p5r/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom...?

Because the P is silent, but also because it's extinct. That's why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz5i3x/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_use_the_bathroom/
%
An Irishman walks past a bar.

Just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz5i24/an_irishman_walks_past_a_bar/
%
Vladimir Putin dies and goes to Hell

Before spending eternity burning in Hell, Satan grants Putin one wish.
Putin thinks long and hard, and says: "Let me see the state of my country in 100 years."
Miraculously, Putin awakes to find himself standing in a street, right across from a bar.
Putin figures this might be a good time for a drink and he could also find out about the state of his country, so he crossed the street into the bar.
In the bar, Putin sits down, orders a drink, and begins his conversation with the bartender: "Sir, could you please tell me what century this is?"
The bartender, recognizing Putin, exclaims: "My god! Mr. Putin, what are you doing here? You died over a hundred years ago!"
Putin chuckles, and says: "Let's just say I've made a deal with the devil. So, how have things been? How's the country?"
The bartender replies: "Great! We're an empire now! We've conquered the entire world!"
Putin, doubting this, says: "What do you mean the whole world, what about the Middle East? Nobody conquers the Middle East!"
The bartender replies: "Yep. We've got them."
"No way," says Putin, "what about China, Japan, all those?"
"All ours." replies the bartender.
"Europe, the UK?"
"Those too." answers the bartender
"Africa?"
"Of course. They weren't a problem." he remarks.
"What about those American bastards?"
"We got them too, North and South." boasts the bartender.
"Amazing. You have all done well!" says Putin, joyfully.
The conversation continues for a while after, with the bartender explaining to Putin how they have established world peace and how everything is great. Putin, deciding his mind had been put to rest and that he was ready for his eternal fate, asks the bartender for the bill.
"Alright man, how much will it be?" asks Putin.
"Fifteen shekels." replies the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz5hoc/vladimir_putin_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
Every week, I'm happy to say that a recycling truck takes my garbage.

But I prefer /r/jokes where trash gets recycled almost every single day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz5akt/every_week_im_happy_to_say_that_a_recycling_truck/
%
2 Irish men walk into a bar

2 Irishmen (joe and bob) have only 5 cents between them. Joe takes the 5 cents and buys a sausage. They go into the first bar and get their drinks. When it's time to pay Joe puts the sausage in his pants and unzips them and bob starts sucking on the sausage. They, of course, are kicked out of the bar. The do this again in another bar...and another and 5 more times. Of course, by then they are both pretty drunk and Bob says that he doesn't have the energy to keep sucking the sausage. Joe says he doesn't either since he lost the sausage in the third bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz592k/2_irish_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz57jw/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
I got pulled over today by a State Highway Patrolman..

"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I dont, I was trying to keep up with traffic."
*State Boy looks left and right*
"Son, there is no traffic around us."
"See, that's how far behind I am!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz53p2/i_got_pulled_over_today_by_a_state_highway/
%
Why does no major gaming company make an Indiana Jones game?

Because no one would pay 60$ for an Indie game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz51hz/why_does_no_major_gaming_company_make_an_indiana/
%
A sink knocks on your door

Now let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz5136/a_sink_knocks_on_your_door/
%
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a rolex.

I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz512u/my_lesbian_neighbors_asked_me_what_i_wanted_for/
%
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage

But I think this sub's doing even better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz50o7/i_saw_a_documentary_about_a_submarine_that/
%
The other day my friend told me I didn’t know what irony meant

Which was ironic because we were standing at a bustop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz4o78/the_other_day_my_friend_told_me_i_didnt_know_what/
%
How does the man on the moon cut his beard?

'Eclipse it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz4kbo/how_does_the_man_on_the_moon_cut_his_beard/
%
My German friend and I like to rate women at Walmart on their looks...

I hate to say the guy has low standards, but I saw a lot of twos and threes. He just kept yelling NINE, NINE, NINE, NINE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz4hvx/my_german_friend_and_i_like_to_rate_women_at/
%
Why is the horse so happy?

Because he lives in a stable environment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz4ed0/why_is_the_horse_so_happy/
%
It seems that Dark Phoenix is doomed to fail at the box office.

I guess it's in her Jean's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz47hz/it_seems_that_dark_phoenix_is_doomed_to_fail_at/
%
Genie: You have only one more wish left.

Me: I wish I was invisible.
Gen e: We rd but okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz46vk/genie_you_have_only_one_more_wish_left/
%
A man in a trench coat runs up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself.

One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz46io/a_man_in_a_trench_coat_runs_up_to_three_old/
%
One wind turbine asks another "What is your favorite band?"

He replies "Iron Maiden - I'm a big metal fan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz46bg/one_wind_turbine_asks_another_what_is_your/
%
The new drug for women who have trouble performing...

Now introducing Niagra™

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz3z4l/the_new_drug_for_women_who_have_trouble_performing/
%
I was born around Saudi. I remember a couple things.

The first thing is that every woman had to wear a face cover, so only their eyes were visible.
The second thing is that I always lost my mom in grocery stores.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz3xyy/i_was_born_around_saudi_i_remember_a_couple_things/
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This is my go-to joke to tell whenever a joke is needed. It usually only gets a laugh out of older people (but that's just my experience).

A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.
"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"
"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Roger"
"You don't have an Uncle Roger"
"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."
Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway".
3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again. "Daddy, I did what you said and mommy and uncle Roger started yelling and running around the room. Uncle Roger jumped out of the bedroom window into the front yard and I think he broke his leg! And mommy jumped out of the other window into the backyard. I think she was going for the swimming pool but she forgot you drained the swimming pool last weekend to clean it, and I think she's dead!"
The man pauses for a minute and says "Swimming pool? Is this 555-634-952?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz3u1u/this_is_my_goto_joke_to_tell_whenever_a_joke_is/
%
I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz3r45/i_tried_to_set_up_my_hipster_friend_with_this/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz3p25/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
I was driving down the road and this lady was riding her bike. I yelled out the window, "Cow!"

She turned around and flipped me off!
2 seconds later she ran right into that cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz3ntg/i_was_driving_down_the_road_and_this_lady_was/
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Ha-bean Anniversary

There lived a woman in Colorado who had a maddening obsession and passion for baked beans. She loved them, but they always seemed to give her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems."
So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any disturbing effect by the time she reached home.
She stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.
Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"
He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back, then he went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming from a pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first
Happy Anniversary!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz3idh/habean_anniversary/
%
Genie: Ok, what's your last wish?

Me: I wish I had a hat.
Genîe: Weîrd but okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz3cz3/genie_ok_whats_your_last_wish/
%
Guy walks into a bar. He asks for a pint of warm, sloppily filled beer that isn't even a full glass.

The barman replies. I can't serve that sir sorry.
The guy says back. You could last week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz3baw/guy_walks_into_a_bar_he_asks_for_a_pint_of_warm/
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My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!
He walks into the first pub he sees and is greeted by the bartender. The bartender says, "Hey there, what can I do you for?"
The Swede, eager to take his English for a spin in this new country, orders his favorite drink: "I'll take a yin, please!"
The bartender grows visibly upset. "Yin? Yin?! What the hell is that? You're another one o' them lousy immigrants coming through that don't know no good English. Get outta here and don't come back till you can order a drink proper!"
The Swede leaves, feeling distraught, and instead finds work and lodging, putting the drink aside for now. Every night when he returns home from work, he practices his English in the mirror.
"Yin. Yin. Yyy...inn. Jyinn. Jjjiiinn. Gyiin. Giin. Gin. Gin! Gin! GIN!"
After weeks of practice, he's ready. The Swede goes back to that same bar he entered when he first arrived in America. The bar tender recognizes him immediately. "Hey, it's you again!" he yells. "I thought I told you to--"
But the Swede raises a hand and calmly interrupts. "Yes, I know. I would like to order a _gin_, please."
The bar tender is speechless! A smile grows on his face, and he says, "well, would you look at that? You've learned quite a bit! Alright, I'll get you that _gin_, sure thing. What would you like it with?"
The Swede answers, "yinyerale!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz3adc/my_swedish_grandfather_told_me_this_joke/
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The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz36es/the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_receive/
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Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?

Me: I wish I were you!
Genue: Unterestung chouse, weurd but okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz31ne/genie_okay_whats_your_last_wish/
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There once was a pebble and she was very shy

so she wanted to be, a little bolder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz2ze5/there_once_was_a_pebble_and_she_was_very_shy/
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What kind of pepper do French people use in the bathroom?

Toilet pepper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz2z43/what_kind_of_pepper_do_french_people_use_in_the/
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A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"
"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Roger"
"You don't have an Uncle Roger"
"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."
Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway".
3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again. "Daddy, I did what you said and mommy and uncle Roger started yelling and running around the room. Uncle Roger jumped out of the bedroom window into the front yard and I think he broke his leg! And mommy jumped out of the other window into the backyard. I think she was going for the swimming pool but she forgot you drained the swimming pool last weekend to clean it, and I think she's dead!"
The man pauses for a minute and says "Swimming pool? Is this 555-0124?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz2z3o/a_man_calls_his_house_to_ask_his_wife_a_question/
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I adopted a female dog. Her name is

Karma. Karma is a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz2oei/i_adopted_a_female_dog_her_name_is/
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Two things that never get old.

Dark humour and unvaccinated children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz2lxw/two_things_that_never_get_old/
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A historian, a journalist, and a political scientist walk into a bar on January 23, 1993...

[Citation Needed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz2jio/a_historian_a_journalist_and_a_political/
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The once was a Mob Boss

There once was a Mob Boss who employed a Jewish accountant who only spoke Yiddish. Despite the language barrier, the Mobster was satisfied with the guys work. That is until one year he decided to check the books and found he was short 2 million dollars.
So the mob boss sent out two goons to bring the guy in. An hour later the cowering accountant arrived, accompanied by his brother who could translate for him. "You tell that son of a bitch I want to know where my 2 million dollars is." Yelled the Mob Boss.
After a quick exchange with his brother, the translator reported that the accountant knew nothing about it. The boss stood up, pulled out a gun and pressed it against the accountants head. "You tell this son of a bitch that if doesn't tell me where my money is, I'm going to blow his brains out."
This was duly translated to the nervous accountant, who then spoke frantically to his brother, explaining the money was stashed in 3 shoe boxes in his closet. "So what did he say?" Interrupted the Mob Boss. The translator turned quickly and replied "He says you haven't got the balls to blow his brains out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz2gj5/the_once_was_a_mob_boss/
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What do you call a Russian homosexual knight?

Sirgay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz2fb4/what_do_you_call_a_russian_homosexual_knight/
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Why don’t crabs give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz2aoc/why_dont_crabs_give_to_charity/
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Math is like the end of a relationship

You now have an ex and start asking why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz24p3/math_is_like_the_end_of_a_relationship/
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What do you call a dick pick when it’s printed out?

A hard copy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz22hv/what_do_you_call_a_dick_pick_when_its_printed_out/
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Would you like to learn how to stop your period

Allow me to de-menstruate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz1v97/would_you_like_to_learn_how_to_stop_your_period/
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Cough medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz1p1b/cough_medicine/
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If you’re wearing cowboy clothes...

You’re Ranch Dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz1myl/if_youre_wearing_cowboy_clothes/
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At the gates of heaven Gabriel is deciding fates.

A man walks up ranting of misfortune. When asked why he's so mad he explained
" I was sure my wife was cheating on me. So one day I left work early to catch her in the act. When I walked into our apartment she was surprised. Nude and sweaty so I knew someone was there. I look under the bed in the closet and shower. All over our place and found nothing. Untill I heard something on our balcony. A man hanging over the side pleading for help. In a fit of rage I grabbed a hammer and smashed his fingers he fell but hit a bush and I lost it. I wanted him dead so I pushed my fridge off of the balcony to crush him and on the way down the cord wrapped around my arm. Next thing I know I'm here"
Gabriel taken aback from this story deciding to grant him mercy lets him in. The next person in line is looking equally furious. After such a tale he was curious and asked what qualms him. The second guy respond
"I was drinking with a friend and on a dare he bet me that I couldn't balance on rail for 30sec. In our drunk stupid minds there was only one rail. So I climb up and not very long after I slip. I was able to catch the rail one story below. I call for help and the next thing I know there's a guy smashing my hands with a hammer. I fall but a bush breaks my fall and I survived. When I finally get to my feet I look up and see a man and a fridge for a few seconds then..."
Gabriel is stunned. Although the coincidence is kinda funny he feels bad and lets him in. The next guy in line looks extremely confused (not uncommon) so Gabriel welcomed him. Gabriel explaining that this is heaven and he has died. The man begins to explain his confusion and says
"I was with a married woman who was cheating and the husband comes home early. I frantically look for a place to hide. So I assume the last place he would look was in the fridge..."
Gabriel burst into laughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz1ktb/at_the_gates_of_heaven_gabriel_is_deciding_fates/
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Working here is like working in a whorehouse.

The better you perform, the more you get screwed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz1jql/working_here_is_like_working_in_a_whorehouse/
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Which one of King Arthur’s knights built the round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz1ikr/which_one_of_king_arthurs_knights_built_the_round/
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A Rabbi is walking through the valley of Trid...

...as he makes his way through the waving grasses and scrub brush, he is amazed to see a giant standing over a brook that runs through the valley. As the rabbi watches in amazement, the giant swoops down, grabs one of the natives of the valley, and punts him off into the distance.
The rabbi called out to the monster, but it appeared not to have heard. Seeing this, he continued through the valley, following the trail to the water, and followed it down to where the giant stood, the screaming natives flying overhead all the while. He called again, and the giant paused his work.
“What’s that you say? Come closer, that I may hear you the better!” the beast bellowed back.
“I dare not,” shouted the rabbi, “for fear that I too may be sent heavenward.”
The giant guffawed and waived an airy hand,
“Nonsense, you have nothing to fear!”
“How can I trust you?” the rabbi asked.
“Silly rabbi,” the giant said, grabbing another of the small tribesmen, “These kicks are for Trids!”
(My grandfather loves this one, he claims he made it up but I’m sure I’ve heard it before. Hope you’ve enjoyed it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz1i77/a_rabbi_is_walking_through_the_valley_of_trid/
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If I was invisible for the day

I’d kick a mime to death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz1g6m/if_i_was_invisible_for_the_day/
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I have a conflation fetish.

People often assume I mean an inflation fetish...
And that really gets me going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz1fzd/i_have_a_conflation_fetish/
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A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"

The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."
The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz1bpe/a_drunk_in_a_bar_is_yelling_all_lawyers_are/
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Someone complained that the pool was too foggy

So I added 1080 pee but it seems to have gotten worse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz1blr/someone_complained_that_the_pool_was_too_foggy/
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What do you call a caveman's fart?

A blast from the past💨

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz181t/what_do_you_call_a_cavemans_fart/
%
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a charity show. He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken boy got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz15ng/a_texas_state_trooper_pulled_a_car_over_about_2/
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People say Steve jobs died too soon

But I think it’s a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz13jm/people_say_steve_jobs_died_too_soon/
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My credit card reminds me of school,

0% interest for the first 9 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz0wb1/my_credit_card_reminds_me_of_school/
%
Richard's new job

Richard just got a new job on a small shipping vessel. He shows up for his first day and the first mate puts him to work loading crates onto the ship. He finishes a few hours later and they get underway. Richard is put to work and is kept busy all day. After dinner, he approaches the first mate and says, "Hey. I forgot to ask. What are we even shipping on this trip?"
The first mate looks at him, pauses for a moment, and says: "Here. I'll show you."
They go down to the cargo hold where Richard was loading crates earlier.  The first mate pries open one of the crates and pulls out the strangest potato Richard has ever seen. It's much longer and skinnier than a normal potato and has a bulge near the top and two bulges near the bottom. The first mate hands it to Richard, who takes it, slightly stunned, and says, "This looks like a giant..."
"...Penis, yes." The first mate finishes Richard's sentence. "It's called a herm potato. They all look like that. The captain signed an exclusivity deal to ship these. They're all we transport now." The first mate took the potato back as Richard burst into laughter. "Go ahead, laugh, get it out now," said the first mate, "You'll be dealing with crates upon crates of these. It's best you get accustomed to them." After Richard calmed down, they put the potato back and went to their bunks for the night. The next day, they delivered their cargo without incident.
Richard works on the ship for the next few months without incident. On one of his nights off, he goes to a local bar to have a drink. He strikes up a conversation with the guy sitting next to him and mentions that he works for a shipping vessel. The guy turns to him and says, "What a coincidence. My usual transport boat cancelled at the last minute and I need some eggs shipped ASAP. I'll be honest, I'm pretty desperate here and you can pretty much name your price." Richard takes the guy's business card and promises to see what he can do.
The next day, Richard goes to the first mate and explains about the guy at the bar. The first mate shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but the captain signed an exclusivity deal and he takes it very seriously. I wouldn't even bother bringing it up with him."
Richard isn't deterred, however, and brings it up the next time he sees the captain. The captain cuts him off mid-sentence and says, "No. Absolutely not. We already have a contract and we're not breaking it."
Deflated, Richard looks at the captain and says, "Shouldn't we at least let the crew vote on it?"
The captain explodes in anger and shouts, "Vote? What makes you think this is a democracy? This is my vessel, and as long as I am captain it will remain a dick tater ship."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz0sex/richards_new_job/
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Why do Linux admins tend to work in basements?

Because they hate Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz0sal/why_do_linux_admins_tend_to_work_in_basements/
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You catch more flies with honey...

...but you catch more honeys by being fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz0qcz/you_catch_more_flies_with_honey/
%
I don't trust sailboats

They're rigged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz0pm1/i_dont_trust_sailboats/
%
The invisible man, the wolf man, and Dracula played poker.

They tried to get the mummy to play but he had no skin in the game.
The invisible man tried to bluff but people saw right through him.
Dracula ended up bleeding them dry, leaving the wolf man howling mad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz0mqb/the_invisible_man_the_wolf_man_and_dracula_played/
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What's green, fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz0er3/whats_green_fuzzy_and_would_kill_you_if_it_fell/
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A string goes into a bar.

The bartender goes we don't serve your kind.
So the string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and goes back to the bar.
"Aren't you the same guy from just a minute ago?", the bartender asks.
" I'm a frayed knot", says the piece of string.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz0cot/a_string_goes_into_a_bar/
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A chinese pot, an establishment for drinks and accommodation, a prime number, and former senator Abraham Ribicoff ...

Wok inn 2 Abe R.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz0cma/a_chinese_pot_an_establishment_for_drinks_and/
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Why did the Mexican Archer not fire his Bow?

Cuz, he didn't habanero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz0ax9/why_did_the_mexican_archer_not_fire_his_bow/
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An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory

. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor. The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, "Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physical fitness. Go home, relax a little, and if you're still having trouble with your memories, just try to write things down so you can't forget."
Gleefully returning home with fears of permanent memory loss behind them, the couple decides to celebrate with a movie. In the middle of the movie, the older gentleman makes a move for the kitchen.
* "Where are you going?" asks the wife
* "Just going to grab some vanilla ice cream," replies the husband
* "Oh, grab me some too, then!"
The man nodes his head in affirmation and begins his walk towards the kitchen.
* "Shouldn't you write it down like the doctor recommended?"
* "It's just some vanilla ice cream, I can remember."
* "In that case, throw some whipped cream and a cherry on top, why don't ya?" The wife added
Again the man nodded in affirmation and began walking towards the kitchen.
* "Well shouldn't you write it down?"
* "It's just some vanilla ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I've got it," the man replies growing weary of this conversation.
He is in the kitchen banging around for roughly 15 minutes and returns with two plates of steaming hot bacon and eggs. The wife looks at him utterly befuddled and says,
"Well hey, you forgot my toast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz09dc/an_elderly_man_and_his_wife_are_losing_their/
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If a group of lions is called a pride, what do you call a group of "Karens"?

A complaint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz08l9/if_a_group_of_lions_is_called_a_pride_what_do_you/
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-The church musician died.

-So sad, what did he die of?
-Organ failure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz06bt/the_church_musician_died/
%
What do Snack companies and Hiking Stores have in common?

They both sell you air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bz02fx/what_do_snack_companies_and_hiking_stores_have_in/
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Genie : you have one wish left.

Me : I wish I was Australian.
Gen!e: We!rd but okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byzy1n/genie_you_have_one_wish_left/
%
I invented a glass coffin.

Will it catch on? Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byzwbz/i_invented_a_glass_coffin/
%
What do sex in a canoe and American beer have in common?

They’re both fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byzv2w/what_do_sex_in_a_canoe_and_american_beer_have_in/
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What’s Mickey Mouse’s favorite type of car

A Mini Coupé

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byzv21/whats_mickey_mouses_favorite_type_of_car/
%
An English man,an Irish man, a french man and a German man get on a plane

The English man dropped a stone off the plane. The Irish man dropped a brick off the plane. The french man  dropped a knife off  the plane. The German man dropped a bomb off the plane. When the English man got home, he found his dad crying in the garden. “Why are you crying?” said the English man.
“Your mother and I were doing gardening then a stone flew from the sky and got her on the head. Now she’s dead.”
The Irish man got home and found his dad crying in the garden. He asked “What’s wrong?”
“Your mother and I were doing gardening then a brick flew from the sky and got her on the head. Now she’s dead.”
The french man got home and found his dad crying in the garden. He asked him “What’s wrong?”
“Your mother and I were doing gardening then a knife flew from the sky and got her on the head. Now she’s dead.”
The German man got home and found his dad laughing hysterically in the garden. He asked him “What is so funny?”
The dad said: “ I was doing some gardening and I farted and the neighbours house blew up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byzte5/an_english_manan_irish_man_a_french_man_and_a/
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I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage

But I think this sub's doing even better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byzpc9/i_saw_a_documentary_about_a_submarine_that/
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Two men were standing around and taking a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, and didn't even have the shelves set up.
A curious old man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
“Vat ya sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,  "We're selling idiots."
*Without skipping a beat, the old man answered,*
*"Must be doing well, only two left !!!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byzokz/two_men_were_standing_around_and_taking_a_break/
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While hiking at the Grand Canyon for the first time, my girlfriend was inspired by the view.

She confidently walked up to the edge and she turned to me and said "Ya know, I really want to make a difference. I really want to make an impact on this world."
...All she needed was a little push in the right direction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byznpd/while_hiking_at_the_grand_canyon_for_the_first/
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What’s green and says ”I’m a frog!”?

A talking frog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byznbh/whats_green_and_says_im_a_frog/
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I met a girl at a party last night. I said “you remind me of my little toe”. She said “small and petite”?

“No, I’ll probably bang you on the table later when I’m pissed”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byzjkt/i_met_a_girl_at_a_party_last_night_i_said_you/
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Why are mountains so big?

they have no natural predators

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byzhtn/why_are_mountains_so_big/
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What do you call a Hobbit who is too full of himself?

Bilbo Braggins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byzhfo/what_do_you_call_a_hobbit_who_is_too_full_of/
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My mother said to me: “I hate competitiveness”

I said back: “not as much as me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byzgfi/my_mother_said_to_me_i_hate_competitiveness/
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I wonder who’s lying in the grave

Of the guy who invented the old switcheroo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byzfcz/i_wonder_whos_lying_in_the_grave/
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A little girl is getting a haircut in a barbershop.

About halfway through, she pulls a Hostess pastry out of her pocket, unwraps it, and begins eating.
The barber warns her, "Honey, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie..."
She beams up at him and says, "I know! I'm gonna get tits, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byzebt/a_little_girl_is_getting_a_haircut_in_a_barbershop/
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Kids these days

Little boy and girl are playing one day
The little boy pulls down his shorts and says " I got one of these and you don't!"
The little girl runs home crying
A few days later they're playing together again
The little boy pulls down his short and says " I got one of these and you don't!"
The little girl looks up and continues playing
Puzzled the little boy says " You ran home crying last time what changed?"
Little girl pulls up her skirt and says " Mommy said with one of these I can get as many of those as I want!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byz9sh/kids_these_days/
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Cyclops: how do you spell Hawaii?

Karen: you need two i’s
Cyclops: ...my life is just a big fucking joke to you, isn’t it Karen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byz7w0/cyclops_how_do_you_spell_hawaii/
%
Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byz6ut/communism_jokes_are_not_funny/
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender said, we don’t serve food here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byz6cs/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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Two priest's were taking a piss...

...in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick.
He says, "I'm not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isn't that supposed to be on your arm?"
And the other priest goes, "Nah, it's working fine. I'm down to two butts a day"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byz5wh/two_priests_were_taking_a_piss/
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A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were discussing their families.

Jew: I have enough children to start my own baseball team.
Catholic: So What? When my wife delivers in the fall, I can start my own soccer team!
Mormon: I got you all beat. Two more wives and I’ll have my own private golf course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byz4os/a_jew_a_catholic_and_a_mormon_were_discussing/
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I thought you said...

Thomas an 82 yo guy , is at Doctors getting a medical.
Few Days later , the Doc sees him walking down street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
At the following check up the Doctor says "you're really doing great " to which Thomas replies "Just following your advice Doc, get a hot momma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said " I stated you've got a heart murmur and should be careful. " .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byyxmi/i_thought_you_said/
%
Son: “Dad, Mom, I’m gay...”

Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: “Don’t!”
Dad: Sweats profusely
Mom: ...
Dad: “HI GAY, I’M DAD”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byyv58/son_dad_mom_im_gay/
%
My barber cut my hair too short and I didn't really like it.

But now it's really grown on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byyui4/my_barber_cut_my_hair_too_short_and_i_didnt/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byyolo/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
What is worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byyjeg/what_is_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
My boss asked me why I was spraying my mouse with WD40

I told him it wouldn’t stop squeaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byyj4n/my_boss_asked_me_why_i_was_spraying_my_mouse_with/
%
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven.
If not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.
The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct.
The mathematician also went to hell.
The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair.
"Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from ?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
The idiot went to Heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byyhia/a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an_idiot_found/
%
Why can’t a blonde dial 911?

She can’t find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byye6c/why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
%
If they come out with a new Captain America movie...

Can it be called Back in Black?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byybu7/if_they_come_out_with_a_new_captain_america_movie/
%
u/fwjefwetrwegwegwh : Turns ⭐ into ⭐

Gen⭐e: What d⭐d ⭐t cost?
r/Jokes: Everyth⭐ng.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byybn6/ufwjefwetrwegwegwh_turns_into/
%
A joke I heard in China that may or may not be known to the outside world

Tom visits Bob’s house and notices that Bob doesn’t have a clock. Surprised, he asks Bob how he tells time. “I have a piano,” Bob explained, “you want a demonstration?”
That night, Bob started playing All Star on his piano. A neighbor knocks on his door and yells, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!??? IT’S ALREADY 1:30 AM!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byy2l6/a_joke_i_heard_in_china_that_may_or_may_not_be/
%
How do you get a group of drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

You walk up to them and say “please can you get out of the pool?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byy1bq/how_do_you_get_a_group_of_drunk_and_rowdy/
%
I watched a movie last night called anal lesbians

Was just 2 hours of 2 girls labelling everything in their kitchen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byxozp/i_watched_a_movie_last_night_called_anal_lesbians/
%
What did the sadist do to the masochist?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byxixq/what_did_the_sadist_do_to_the_masochist/
%
A 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 14 year old walk into a bar...

the 5 year old walks under it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byxi8b/a_12_year_old_a_10_year_old_and_a_14_year_old/
%
Apple just released a joke book, and here's is an extract...

LICENCE NOT FOUND
Please Pay $999 To View Joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byxh3c/apple_just_released_a_joke_book_and_heres_is_an/
%
What do you call a whale without underpants?

Free Willy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byxfr2/what_do_you_call_a_whale_without_underpants/
%
A priest and a homeless man are standing on the road in a heavy storm...

... Holding a sign that says "Turn Back, the end is Nigh!"
A car passes them, the driver yelling "Get off the road you lunatics!"
As it rounds the corner a loud crash is heard.
The homeless man then tells the priest "I told you we should've written 'Bridge out' you god damn idiot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byxdv9/a_priest_and_a_homeless_man_are_standing_on_the/
%
Genie : you have one last wish.

I wish I had boobs.
GenBe: weBrd but okay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byxcwj/genie_you_have_one_last_wish/
%
A masochist walks into a bar.

Then he does it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byx9ii/a_masochist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The Apple Pro Stand

that’s it.
(probably someone already did this)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byx8o9/the_apple_pro_stand/
%
A guy is trying to sell his dog to a potential buyer:

\-Healthy?
\-Healthy!
\-Intelligent?
\-Intelligent!
\-Loyal?
\-The most! It's the 5th time I'm selling him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byx8lm/a_guy_is_trying_to_sell_his_dog_to_a_potential/
%
I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess that they're aimed at a younger audience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byx7fc/i_never_understood_school_shooting_jokes/
%
A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.

He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.”
The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exclaims, “Aha! I got it!! It’s aunt. A-U-N-T!”
The Pope smiles and claps his hands. “Wonderful!! That must be it!! Thank you! One more thing my son, would you happen to have an eraser?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byx79d/a_guy_sits_on_a_plane_and_realizes_hes_sitting/
%
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Fuck IDK, probably in the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byx77p/where_do_you_see_yourself_in_10_years/
%
I've bought the best guard dog.

I've spent the past 3 days trying to get back into my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byx6wl/ive_bought_the_best_guard_dog/
%
I can always tell what’s in a Christmas present before I even open it.

It’s a gift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byx4kz/i_can_always_tell_whats_in_a_christmas_present/
%
Keanu Reeves walks into a bar

A month later the bar had to close down because it was now set so high nobody else could enter it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byx3ls/keanu_reeves_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Nice Dad

Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.
Son: Why did you do that?
Father: So you will not be bored there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byx2g5/nice_dad/
%
What do you call 2 transgender midget having sex?

A micro trans-action
Repost from internet but it's been a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bywtje/what_do_you_call_2_transgender_midget_having_sex/
%
What does a tree do after it finishes using it’s computer?

It logs off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byws56/what_does_a_tree_do_after_it_finishes_using_its/
%
Where do satisfied people work?

At the satisfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bywrfo/where_do_satisfied_people_work/
%
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bywo1g/being_cheerful_and_peppy_in_the_morning_is_a_lot/
%
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bywnty/my_girlfriend_yelled_at_me_today_saying_you/
%
I made a jacket entirely out of sleeves once...

It was my coat of arms!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bywnjd/i_made_a_jacket_entirely_out_of_sleeves_once/
%
I had trouble making friends in college until I came up with a foolproof plan.

I started telling girls, “I love you”, and their first reaction was “Let’s just be friends.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bywmpw/i_had_trouble_making_friends_in_college_until_i/
%
Tomorrow, I was at another job interview.

I replied "Time Travel."
"What're your strengths... Wait a minute."
Astounded he asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bywmme/tomorrow_i_was_at_another_job_interview/
%
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bywlzt/jane_and_arlene_are_outside_their_nursing_home/
%
An amateur poet attempted to write a novel.

Unfortunately, he failed because novels are for pros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bywii9/an_amateur_poet_attempted_to_write_a_novel/
%
A man in a pub asks for a beer.

The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar." "One dollar?" exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?" "Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars." "Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bywhyj/a_man_in_a_pub_asks_for_a_beer/
%
What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bywdb2/what_do_you_call_a_french_man_wearing_sandals/
%
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bywcnp/did_you_know_that_a_group_of_crows_is_called_a/
%
If we don't proofread and correct mistakes

The errorists win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bywaw1/if_we_dont_proofread_and_correct_mistakes/
%
What does the clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byw51e/what_does_the_clock_do_when_its_hungry/
%
What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byvzy8/what_do_clouds_wear_under_their_shorts/
%
What’s the difference between pink and purple?

the grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byvy7s/whats_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
%
Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?

It’s open Mike night!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byvxr2/soo_were_going_to_the_autopsy_club_tonight_huh/
%
A young priest is filling in for the parish priest while he is on holiday.

Most of the confessions that morning are pretty routine, "I took the Lords name in vain" "*two hail marys*" "I had impure thoughts" "*three hail marys and two rosaries*".
A young girl comes in and says "bless me father for I have sinned".
"*What is this sin my daughter?*"
"I gave my boyfriend oral sex"
The young priest is a bit stunned and isn't sure what to say. So he leans out of the confessional and says to the altar boy. "*Hey Jimmy, what does Father Mulcahy give for oral sex?*"
"Usually a can of coke and a Mars bar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byvuxq/a_young_priest_is_filling_in_for_the_parish/
%
I'm not a loner.

Well, I've never heard anyone ever call me one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byvlwo/im_not_a_loner/
%
Oh Gary.

Gary is having a rough day and after talking to his construction friend John, John tells Gary that he will have his construction crew come fix up his house at a major discount.  Gary is thankful and accepts the request wanting to have some changes done to his house.  John and his men arrive later that afternoon and John tells Gary it will be a while so he needs to find something to do.  John decides to go to a movie and go out to eat.  When he comes back they are still working on some stuff and Gary decides to stay since he has nothing to do.  Gary walks up to John and tells him that since he has nothing to do, he will go ahead and pay the people so that he can waste some time.  He goes up to the people on the porch and asks there names.  One guy looks up and says “hey, my name is Juan, nice to meet you.” Gary shakes his hand and hands him his money.  He looks to the person on the other side of the porch and he says “Hi, my names Juan, nice to meet you.”  Gary finds this funny and shakes other Juan’s hand and hands him his money.  He goes over to the guys in the backyard and the same thing happens.  All three guys working in the back are named Juan!  Gary hands them their money and walks back to the front of the house.  Gary goes all over the house giving people money, and every guy says that their name is Juan.  Gary has one guy left to go to and he is on the roof.  Gary sees the latter the guy used and begins to climb up.  John runs up and grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him down.  John looks at Gary who is shocked and confused and John says  “Don’t worry about it, this Juan’s on the house”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byvli2/oh_gary/
%
Due to an all new high in the number of people with STDs, I’m too scared to even have phone sex

Might get hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byvi3e/due_to_an_all_new_high_in_the_number_of_people/
%
A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-"  so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off.
"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byvhle/a_young_woman_was_driving_through_a_remote_part/
%
One company owner asks another

: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byvg4h/one_company_owner_asks_another/
%
Apparently there's a country in Europe where the people don't accept payment in cash, via card or even through a contactless system.

The Cheque Republic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byvfmn/apparently_theres_a_country_in_europe_where_the/
%
I asked a Chinese chick for her number

She said "SEX SEX SEX FREE SEX TONIGHT"
I was surprised but then her friend said it meant "66636298"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byvav7/i_asked_a_chinese_chick_for_her_number/
%
What does a woman do in outer space?

Vacuum cleaning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byv2qd/what_does_a_woman_do_in_outer_space/
%
When you clean the vacuum cleaner

You become the vacuum cleaner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byv0fh/when_you_clean_the_vacuum_cleaner/
%
My LGBT friends called me prude when we were talking about sex

... but frankly, it's them who never gave straight answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byuqit/my_lgbt_friends_called_me_prude_when_we_were/
%
I surprised my girlfriend at work this morning

Came up behind her and kissed her on the neck.
She laughed and said “Mike stop you know we’re at work.”
My name is Brandon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byunrj/i_surprised_my_girlfriend_at_work_this_morning/
%
You ever hear the one about the midget thief who fell down the stairs?

The punchline is a little condescending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byujfy/you_ever_hear_the_one_about_the_midget_thief_who/
%
This little kid at the shops an hour ago: Why was Tigger in the bathroom for so long?

He had Pooh inside him..
I laughed which made the little fellas day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byuh4j/this_little_kid_at_the_shops_an_hour_ago_why_was/
%
Why do the Norwegians put barcodes on their boats?

So they can Scan-der-navian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byuh0r/why_do_the_norwegians_put_barcodes_on_their_boats/
%
Did you hear about the ANTI-GRAVITY book ?

.. apparently it's hard to put down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byueuu/did_you_hear_about_the_antigravity_book/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.

The bar tender looks at the pirate perplexed “ Why is there a paper towel on your head?”
The pirate looks at him  “ Yarg! There be a bounty on me head!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byu9wp/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_paper_towel_on/
%
Today when I got into work, my boss stormed up to me and said "Did you miss work yesterday?"

I said, "No, not particularly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byu80l/today_when_i_got_into_work_my_boss_stormed_up_to/
%
Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?

Me: I wish I had a tail.
Genje: Wejrd but okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byu4sg/genie_okay_whats_your_last_wish/
%
I jokingly asked my wife if she would consider inviting the neighbours over for some sexy time together

And, she agreed forsome reasons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byu453/i_jokingly_asked_my_wife_if_she_would_consider/
%
“Mickey Mouse, it says here you want to divorce Minnie for being extremely silly?”

“No, I said she was fucking goofy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byu0gp/mickey_mouse_it_says_here_you_want_to_divorce/
%
[NSFW] Mary has 3 kids Mat, Pat and Tat

When it was time to feed them, Mat sucked the left tit, Pat sucked the right tit, and so gentlemen, there was no tit for tat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bytvie/nsfw_mary_has_3_kids_mat_pat_and_tat/
%
What did America say to Britain when it fell over?

U.K.?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bytufn/what_did_america_say_to_britain_when_it_fell_over/
%
What do asians do when they have an erection?

They vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bytuac/what_do_asians_do_when_they_have_an_erection/
%
Why do hillbillies like sex on a cliff?

The sheep push back harder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bytt1c/why_do_hillbillies_like_sex_on_a_cliff/
%
I hate Russian drivers

Because they keep Stalin me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bytpj9/i_hate_russian_drivers/
%
U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins...

...but Asian singles are in my area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bytkma/us_singles_may_be_bills_and_canadian_singles_may/
%
A rich man died and went to Heaven.

He stood at the pearly gates, waiting his turn to talk to St. Peter. He noticed a sign that said you can bring one briefcase full of anything you want from Earth. He noticed a stack of empty briefcases to the side and picked one up.
When the rich man got to Peter, the saint acknowledged him and told him that all he had to do was imagine what he wanted and it would show up in the briefcase. The man already knew what he wanted, so it only took a second for the briefcase to be filled to the brim with gold bars, all stamped with 24k on them.
Peter looked at the rich man and raised an eyebrow.
"That's fine if that's what you want, but I gotta ask. Why are you bringing pavement?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byteru/a_rich_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
A guy decides to go the zoo one day. When he gets there the only animal is a dog.

It was a shih tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bytepk/a_guy_decides_to_go_the_zoo_one_day_when_he_gets/
%
Did you hear about the guy that got hit in the head with a pop can?

He’s lucky it was a soft drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byteot/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_got_hit_in_the/
%
A man walks into a bank with a briefcase full of cash...

he wants to open an account and deposit it.  he is sent to the bank managers office.  he sits down and the bank manager says you have $20,000 cash and have never had an account here before and want to open a new account and deposit all this cash, I have to ask where the money came from.  the man responds I make bets and I won it on a bet.  the bank manager is stunned, you mean to tell me that you made 20k from a single bet what kind of bets do you make?  the man takes a breath, ok, I'll bet you this 20k cash that you have square balls. the bank manager looks at him like he's from another planet for a second, I'm serious he says.  ok, you've got a bet agrees the manager. the man replies ok, but I need to contact my lawyer first to take care of any legal issues. ok, agrees the manager.  soon after that the lawyer arrives in the office.  the man looks at the bank manager and says ok, my lawyers here and all the paperwork has been drawn up and signed, lets see em.  the bank manager drops his drawers and the man proceeds to feel his balls.  ok, he says, they don't feel square to me, the money is yours.  the whole time the lawyer is standing in the corner of the room banging the back of his head on the wall. the manager asks what's his problem?  the man responds oh, I just bet him 60k that i would have the bank managers balls in my hand in less than a hour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bytd1p/a_man_walks_into_a_bank_with_a_briefcase_full_of/
%
What do you call

a Sumo fight between two guys with erections?
"Large Hardon Collider"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bytbi9/what_do_you_call/
%
What happens when you make an Asian girl squirt?

She charges you 10 cents for extra sauce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bytbeq/what_happens_when_you_make_an_asian_girl_squirt/
%
There *is* a difference between doughnuts and donuts

*Ugh!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byt6l5/there_is_a_difference_between_doughnuts_and_donuts/
%
Circumcision is a serious operation that should be discussed at length between parents and health care professionals.

I couldn’t walk for an entire year after I got mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byt32c/circumcision_is_a_serious_operation_that_should/
%
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byt2qb/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_runny_nose/
%
What do you call a Russian that can't drive a standard?

Stallin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byt1e1/what_do_you_call_a_russian_that_cant_drive_a/
%
Why does Gordan Ramsey always use a condom?

Because he doesn't like it RAW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byt0rq/why_does_gordan_ramsey_always_use_a_condom/
%
"Hey man look at that new trainee, She is hot, I think she is 36C"

Out of nowhere HR Manager comes behind me and says "What did you just say?"
I replies  "Do you want to hear it in Fahrenheit ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byt0jw/hey_man_look_at_that_new_trainee_she_is_hot_i/
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Pissed off 2 people today by calling them Hipsters.

Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bysw99/pissed_off_2_people_today_by_calling_them_hipsters/
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I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bysvlw/i_was_going_to_add_some_herbs_to_my_cooking/
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I told a girl that her eyes remind me of stars.

"Oh, you mean bright and shiny? :)"
"No, they're really far apart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bysswi/i_told_a_girl_that_her_eyes_remind_me_of_stars/
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What’s the problem with the number 6.9

It’s another great thing ruined by a period :)
I’m sorry, I had to, it’s a special day today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bysqdp/whats_the_problem_with_the_number_69/
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What do you call a reptile that needs help?

Gatorade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bysl29/what_do_you_call_a_reptile_that_needs_help/
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling about ten or eleven feet in the air

So he goes up to the bartender and asks, “Why do you have all this meat hanging up everywhere?”
The bartender replies, “Well, we actually have a bit of a game we like to play here, a sort of challenge.”
The man, obviously intrigued, asks the bartender what the game is. So the bartender tells him: “Okay, so the deal is, if you can jump up and slap one of the cuts of meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. But, if you jump and you can’t reach the meat, you have to buy everyone’s drinks for an hour.”
The man takes a minute, mulls over in his mind whether or not it’s worth the cost, and replies, “No, the steaks are too high.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bysin0/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_bunch_of_meat/
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My cross eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn’t see eye to eye.
To make matters worse, I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byshw6/my_cross_eyed_wife_and_i_just_got_a_divorce/
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Why do communists hate inside jokes?

Because not everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bysd7h/why_do_communists_hate_inside_jokes/
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What do you call an old snowman

Water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byscmh/what_do_you_call_an_old_snowman/
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A man was praying to God

"God?" he said.
God: "Yes?"
Man: "Can I ask you a question?"
God: "Go right ahead."
Man: "God, what is a million years to you?"
God: "A million years to me is only a second."
\**The man wondered\**
Man: "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God: "A million dollars to me is a penny."
Man: "Then, can I have a penny?"
God *\*cheerfully\**: "Sure... just wait a second."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bys7w8/a_man_was_praying_to_god/
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Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first .
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened .
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch ? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now...what is the moral to this story?
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The moral is:
If you don't let a woman have her own way,
things are going to get ugly...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bys4zg/story_with_a_moral/
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A gem I found posted at my local beer distributor:

A man came home from work and settled down in his favorite chair in front of the TV and said to his wife “quick bring me a beer before it starts!”
She looks a little puzzled but brought him a beer
When he finished it he said “Quick, bring me another beer it’s gonna start!”
This time she looked a little angry,  but brought him a beer.
When it was gone he said “Quick! Get me another beer before it starts!”
“That’s it!” She blows her top
“You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer!? Don’t you realize I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long!?”
The husband sighed and said “oh shit, it’s started”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bys288/a_gem_i_found_posted_at_my_local_beer_distributor/
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What does Trump and a used tampon have in common?

Both served toxic periods that people wished would end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bys1rv/what_does_trump_and_a_used_tampon_have_in_common/
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I got a domestic violence charge

From my penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byrzlt/i_got_a_domestic_violence_charge/
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Where is Engagement, Ohio?

Between Dayton and Marion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byrvui/where_is_engagement_ohio/
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What do you call quantums of electromagnetic radiation that don't get along?

Foe-tons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byrv80/what_do_you_call_quantums_of_electromagnetic/
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A young man is applying for a Australian citizenship

Other person: Do you have a criminal record?
Young man: No, is that still required to enter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byrstn/a_young_man_is_applying_for_a_australian/
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Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.

"Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government?  Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned. "But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”
She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here."
The Prime Minister walked into the room.   “You called for me, Your Majesty?"
"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. “ the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me."
"Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him.
Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office .  “Mike, answer this for me,’ said the Don. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”
"I'm not sure," said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.
Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.
The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.
“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me
“Sure, Mike “Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”
“Thanks, said Pence,” It’s this.  Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled,  “Thanks!"
Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.  It’s Hillary Clinton.”
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him "No, you idiot!  It’s Theresa May!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byrhmj/donald_trump_went_to_london_and_met_with_the_queen/
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How do you milk a sheep?

Put an apple logo on your product.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byrhdy/how_do_you_milk_a_sheep/
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My late dad's fave joke

There were 2 fish in a tank
One says to the other,
"How do we drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byrh3c/my_late_dads_fave_joke/
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What's the difference between a girder and a joist?

it's my cake day, so here's my favorite joke.
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply.  The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn't care for Irishmen, thinks they're drunks and dumb and unreliable. But he knows he can't just come out and say that.
So, the foreman says, "Now, see here chap!  This operation is not in the habit of hiring just any old sod who applies, you have to show me you have some builder experience and knowledge.  I'll hire you if you can answer some questions."
The Irishman says, "Deadly!  I been a builder for donkey's years, Holy joe.  let's have it, then, i'll show you i'm not a dosser!"
The foreman thinks to himself, "Righto, this geezer's a lota wind.  let's send him packing".  So he asks:
"Alright, what's the difference between a Girder and a Joist?"
The irishman thinks for a few seconds and grumbles a bit.  He pauses long enough for the Englishman to get a bit of a smirk on his face (as English are wont to do).  Finally, he takes a breath, sucks in his gut, and stands a little straighter to answer:
"One wrote Faust, the other wrote Finnegan's Wake!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byrerc/whats_the_difference_between_a_girder_and_a_joist/
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My fore chief walks in

He said "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is 41 children have died today in a fire. The good news is it was an orphanage and I don't have any parents to notify."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byre50/my_fore_chief_walks_in/
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Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.

Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byrdz8/policeman_im_very_sorry_sir_but_it_looks_like/
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Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byrdkr/man_to_his_priest_yesterday_i_sinned_with_an_18/
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I've woken up everyday, opened the curtains to find a German shepherd taking a shit on my lawn..

And this morning the cheeky bastard brought his dog with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byrddt/ive_woken_up_everyday_opened_the_curtains_to_find/
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Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean

The pair had been adrift for six days in a life boat with no water or food, they hadn't seen any ships or aircraft, and worst of all they had completely run out of beer three days before, the two had nearly given up hope when suddenly they came across an ancient looking bottle, they pulled it out of the water and tried to wipe off its label,
When they wiped it off a genie emerged from the bottle and told them that they were to be given one wish and one wish alone, the first drunk looked at the other with a smile on his face and said,
"Finally my friend we can go home! We can get off this boat and see our fami"..the first drunk didn't even have time to finish his sentence when the second one shouted out "I WISH THAT THE ENTIRE OCEAN WAS MADE OF BEER!"
The genie said "wish granted," snapped his fingers and turned the entire ocean into beer, then disappears as the bottle turns to dust, the first drunk looks at the other with the most furious expression on his face and screams "YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH NOW WE HAVE TO PISS IN THE BOAT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byrdbz/two_drunks_were_lost_in_the_middle_of_the_ocean/
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Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byrcm5/dentist_this_will_hurt_a_little_patient_ok/
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byrc5z/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
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I got a new pair of gloves today

But there was some kind of mistake they were both left handed now on one hand that's great, but on the other it's just not right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byr29a/i_got_a_new_pair_of_gloves_today/
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What’s a road worker’s favourite TV show?

Game of Cones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqzur/whats_a_road_workers_favourite_tv_show/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb.

C'mon we all know they don't change anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqzsc/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Hot Lady walks into confession: I’m sorry daddy, I’ve been a very naughty girl..

Father: for the last time, it’s “Forgive me Father for I have sinned!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqyzu/hot_lady_walks_into_confession_im_sorry_daddy_ive/
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My wife is getting really nervous about having to interact with strangers on our upcoming cruise.

I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqxzv/my_wife_is_getting_really_nervous_about_having_to/
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Jill: "Jane, is your husband a sadist?"

Jane: "Beats me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqw2m/jill_jane_is_your_husband_a_sadist/
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I was telling 'dumb blonde' jokes in a bar.

Suddenly a muscular blonde-haired man ran right at me with a sharp razor and screamed "I've had just about enough of you!" Luckily for me, I was left completely unharmed, as he couldn't find a place to plug it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqudv/i_was_telling_dumb_blonde_jokes_in_a_bar/
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How do you make the most money from your sheep?

Charge $999 for a monitor stand and put the apple logo on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqu07/how_do_you_make_the_most_money_from_your_sheep/
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I've just invented a dating app for chickens, its not my regular job..

Its to make hens meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqtec/ive_just_invented_a_dating_app_for_chickens_its/
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There's one problem about the LGBTQ community

None of them can think straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqka7/theres_one_problem_about_the_lgbtq_community/
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I was riding my red car down the street when I heard a loud bang...

When I got out my rim was cracked and my car was painted yellow. Damn city is riddled with plotholes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqk9f/i_was_riding_my_red_car_down_the_street_when_i/
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Why should you never marry a melon?

Because they cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqjiq/why_should_you_never_marry_a_melon/
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You see three tampons walking down the street, which one says hi first?

None, they’re all stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqiw6/you_see_three_tampons_walking_down_the_street/
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I dated a midget once

It was a short relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqhdb/i_dated_a_midget_once/
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At first when you came in and ordered glass underwear I though it was a new style...

But now I can see your nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqgm3/at_first_when_you_came_in_and_ordered_glass/
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The Queen gets a new kitten.

One day, the kitten simply disappears and the Queen can't find it anywhere. Hearing some faint scratching sounds in a hole in the castle wall, the King orders the hole widened. But, the wall cracks and comes crashing down. Luckily, the noise got the kitten to appear safely from a different hiding spot.
The next day, the kingom newspaper reports: KING UNABLE TO LOCATE QUEEN'S PUSSY, DESTROYS WRONG HOLE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqfkh/the_queen_gets_a_new_kitten/
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Apple is selling a piece of aluminum for $999.

That's it. That's the whole joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byqawj/apple_is_selling_a_piece_of_aluminum_for_999/
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A girls goes to the doctor

a girl goes to the doctor and says:
"Doctor, I have a black dot next to the pussy and do not know what is"
The doctor says:
"Do you smoke?"
"Yes, why do you ask?"
"Quit smoking and returns next week"
The following week the girl returns:
"The point has become bigger!"
The doctor, who does not know what to do, says:
"Do you drink alcohol?"
"Yes, sometimes"
"Then stop drinking and come back next week"
A week goes by and the girl returns:
"doctor, is still there"
The doctor is perplexed:
"Are you married?'
"Yes, why?"
"Come back tomorrow with your husband to see if he knows anything"
The next day he returns with the husband, who goes in a work suit and the doctor asks him:
"What do you work for?"
"I'm a carpenter"
"Fuck, then take the pencil out your ear when you eat your wife's pussy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byq774/a_girls_goes_to_the_doctor/
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I got seriously rear-ended in traffic yesterday

Thank god i wasnt in my car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byq5ko/i_got_seriously_rearended_in_traffic_yesterday/
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Do not accept a friend request from Hormel Foods.

It could be Spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byq12u/do_not_accept_a_friend_request_from_hormel_foods/
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I'm not saying that the people in my city have bad teeth...

But a guy just went through the self scan checkout at Wal-Mart, smiled and the barcode scanner picked it up as an electric crockpot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byps7f/im_not_saying_that_the_people_in_my_city_have_bad/
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Our teacher asked us what we did on our good deeds day. I said I took an old lady across the street.

"That was not very hard," he said.
"Yes it was," I replied, "she wanted to stay on her side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byppdy/our_teacher_asked_us_what_we_did_on_our_good/
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Our marriage councilor said I need to show my wife more appreciation for the things she does.

So this morning I slipped her a twenty and said “this is for last night”.
I don’t understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bypnjv/our_marriage_councilor_said_i_need_to_show_my/
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My interview for the job as a kamikaze pilot went pretty good.

Then I asked about the pension.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bypksi/my_interview_for_the_job_as_a_kamikaze_pilot_went/
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What's the difference between a diploma and a roll of wallpaper?

When someone hands you a roll of wallpaper, you know you have a job ahead of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bypk9u/whats_the_difference_between_a_diploma_and_a_roll/
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What do you call a mathematician on the high seas?

A πrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bypjuf/what_do_you_call_a_mathematician_on_the_high_seas/
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Why should Thor take care of donkeys?

Because he's an ass guardian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bypgsy/why_should_thor_take_care_of_donkeys/
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A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly...

...they feel a little precipitation. The man says, "I think it's raining, we should go back home."
The woman says, "No, I think it's snowing."
The couple argues about this for a few minutes. The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. "Let's ask that communist officer."
So the couple walks over. "Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," says Officer Rudolph.
The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says, "See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bypcty/a_couple_was_walking_down_their_street_in/
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Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bypade/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blowjob_from_a_guy/
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A business is like a tree full of monkeys

. Some are going up, some are going down. All on different levels and branches.
When the monkeys on top look down, they see a bunch of smiling faces.
When the monkeys below look up, they see a bunch of assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bypa51/a_business_is_like_a_tree_full_of_monkeys/
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Here’s a joke my pastor told today.

So a pastor comes home from church one day while his wife stayed home. His wife asks,
“So what did you preach about today?”
The pastor talked about sex, but couldn’t bring himself to say it to his wife. He stutters and says
“S-s-ss Sailing!” And he leaves the room.
Later that day, the wife goes to the grocery store and sees her friends, who listened to the pastor’s talk on sex that day.
“Hey! Did your husband tell you about his talk at church today? It was spectacular!”
“Really? The first time he fell off and broke his arm and the second time he vomited.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bypa2y/heres_a_joke_my_pastor_told_today/
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NSFW I heard a guy on the news say “The victim was raped, cut into pieces and just left there in the road for the buzzards” and I thought...

Well, isn’t that just offal?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byp6cv/nsfw_i_heard_a_guy_on_the_news_say_the_victim_was/
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I was gonna make a gay joke

Butt fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byp47m/i_was_gonna_make_a_gay_joke/
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I beat my wife everyday

Sometimes she screams so loud that I'm worried the neighbors would hear us. She constantly cries, begging me to stop. I know it’s not a nice thing to do. I just get so much satisfaction from her suffering. But tell me, should I just let her win a game of Super Smash Bros for once?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byoxwe/i_beat_my_wife_everyday/
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What’s the fastest cake?

Scone
Right I did my job on my cake day now you do yours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byopj0/whats_the_fastest_cake/
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There was a kidnapping at a local school.

The teacher had to wake him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byoox6/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_a_local_school/
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All sea monsters jokes are...

Kraken me up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byokc2/all_sea_monsters_jokes_are/
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There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byok19/there_was_a_boy_standing_on_a_corner_selling_fish/
%
Apple is charging $1,000 for a monitor stand.

It's a grand stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byojp8/apple_is_charging_1000_for_a_monitor_stand/
%
What do you call a red headed Baker?

A ginger breadman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byojgp/what_do_you_call_a_red_headed_baker/
%
I am gonna make a communist joke

I hope everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byoj49/i_am_gonna_make_a_communist_joke/
%
A kid walks in on his parents having sex.

And he says, "Daddy! Daddy! What are you doing to mommy???" The father, thinking on his feet (or, well, off his feet), says "Son, your mother is *very very ill*, and I'm doing this special dance to make her all better." The kid says, "Okay," turns around, leaves, closes the door. The dad has a chuckle - "Ha ha, stupid kid", and gets back down to business.
A few weeks later, it's Thanksgiving, and the kid's grandmother is over for dinner. Usually exuberant and light-hearted, she is unusually morose. Finally, she drops a bombshell - she tells them that she has been diagnosed with untreatable late-stage colorectal cancer, and that she probably won't live to see the new year. Everyone is devastated, and the rest of the dinner is a somber affair.
Later that night, the father is woken up by what sounds like some muffled crying coming from upstairs, in the guest room. He gets up, goes upstairs to comfort the grandmother, opens the door...
...and this kid is fucking the everloving bejesus out of the grandmother, right up the ass. Really giving it to her - like, if the cancer wasn't already going to kill her, she might not live through the now-necessary hip replacement surgery. REALLY giving it to her, got her bent over, giving her a reach-around, grabbing her floppy tits like reigns on a wrinkled pony, the whole shebang. And the father goes, "Kid!!! Kid, what the hell are you doing???"
>!And the kid says, "It's not that funny when it's YOUR mom, is it, motherfucker???"!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byoj06/a_kid_walks_in_on_his_parents_having_sex/
%
A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.

He's polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm. Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British. He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours. The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying the building and knocking the officer unconscious.
The German finally is awakened, hurt but alive, by screams and cries for help. He picks himself up and rushes to help, and before him lays a single living man, crushed underneath the debris of the roof. He moves to help the young Brit, using the rest of his strength to pull him out of the rubble. The man's legs are crushed, and his stomach filled with large splinters.
"You're bleeding out, my friend," the officer sighs, slumping down next to him. "Zere is nothing I can do to help you. All I can do is keep you company in your last moments."
The Brit shakily sighs, breathing heavily as he looks over himself, giving the German a nod. The older man looks up towards the starry sky and speaks: "Ze stars will calm you."
They both find themselves looking at the stars, and time passes. Eventually, they see a streak of light across the night sky.
"A shooting star," the young man says with a weak smile. The German just laughs.
"What's so funny?"
"Ah, forgive me. Zere is a saying in Deustchland: 'You vill always find ze best jokes in ze comets.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byoh05/a_german_officer_watches_over_his_outpost_during/
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Enjoy Your Sunday

Husband: Today is sunday &
I have to enjoy it.
So i bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: why three?
Husband: for u and ur parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byofed/enjoy_your_sunday/
%
A UDP packet walks into a bar.

A UDP packet walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byoca9/a_udp_packet_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by police.

He’s now a seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byo8gi/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
%
Genie: You have only one more wish left.

Me: I wish I was a star.
Gen⭐e: We⭐rd but okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byo6yi/genie_you_have_only_one_more_wish_left/
%
Whats the similarity between women and a hurricane.

When they come they're wild and wet and when they
leave they'll take your house and car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byo1ud/whats_the_similarity_between_women_and_a_hurricane/
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A joke you can read at work

Friend; thus is marked NSFW and you listened to it and let me hook you in?
Understand me when I say this could have been anything, anyone could have seen your monitor directly or via a reflection in the window.
Can you imagine if it had been your boss or your highly sensitive colleage?
Kiss good bye your job. You could have been expecting a meeting with HR any minute, telling you to grab an A4 copier box to pack up your tacky desk toys.
While in the meantime security could have been on there way, asking you to give up your door card and escorting you to the front door as you bow your head to the floor, walking in shame past the receptionist.
Only afterwards while your driving the car home you realise how silly you were and. Kw wondering what the heck you’re going to say to your other half when they get home.
Roll on tomorrow morning, having breakfast circling jobs in paper. McDonalds not looking so bad now.
Kickly yourself as you now need to update your CV... Look, I’m sorry. I don’t really want this life for you. Luckly you’re okay this time and hid the real joke within the first letter of each paragraph. Just remember to stay safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byo1eu/a_joke_you_can_read_at_work/
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In protest, my friends and I are gonna march down to the city square dressed in trash that we picked up around the city...

...like litter-rally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byo0pf/in_protest_my_friends_and_i_are_gonna_march_down/
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An Imagine Dragons song is like syphilis.

Catchy, but not really good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bynxs8/an_imagine_dragons_song_is_like_syphilis/
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A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walks into a neighborhood pub

The place is hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked," May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not? " the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister ??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bynxjf/a_nun_really_needing_to_go_to_the_bathroom_walks/
%
A cooking utensil owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden went for auction today.

It’s the grater of two evils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bynxea/a_cooking_utensil_owned_by_both_hitler_and_osama/
%
I hate having to break up with Japanese women

You have to drop the bombshell twice before they get the point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bynvjh/i_hate_having_to_break_up_with_japanese_women/
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A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended...

The tailor asks: “Euripides?”
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bynuaf/a_classics_professor_goes_to_a_tailor_to_get_his/
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My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits..

"Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!"
"Babe, it's a fucking scarf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byntem/my_wife_was_so_excited_that_she_pulled_something/
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Conjunctivitis.com

Now that's a site for sore eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bynq45/conjunctivitiscom/
%
Last night, I asked my wife what she'd do if i won the lottery..

The wife says "Easy, I'd take half and leave your ass."
"Cool, I hit a scratch off for $12, here's $6."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bynlh6/last_night_i_asked_my_wife_what_shed_do_if_i_won/
%
Powerball

Wouldn’t it be funny if the woman on TV pulled out a strand of anal beads from behind and said “And the winning powerball numbers are....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bynje5/powerball/
%
What do you do with a dead chemist?

You Barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bynie2/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
%
Why does Waldo always wear stripes?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bynfpn/why_does_waldo_always_wear_stripes/
%
People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they need something from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byndej/people_treat_me_like_a_god/
%
What’s the difference between a cactus and a BMW?

The cactus has a prick on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bynb73/whats_the_difference_between_a_cactus_and_a_bmw/
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BANG BANG

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach.  Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother.
"Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
"Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
"It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was having a wank and I've shot the dog...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byna1r/bang_bang/
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Husband and Wife are like 2 tires of a vehicle. If one punctures, the vehicle can no longer move further.

Moral of the story: always keep a spare tire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byn7li/husband_and_wife_are_like_2_tires_of_a_vehicle_if/
%
My friend and I visited Canada for the first time...

We went to a fight, and a hockey game broke out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byn3sb/my_friend_and_i_visited_canada_for_the_first_time/
%
I want to go down on you and make you happy. Then I want come back up slowly and fuck you hard...

Sincerely,
Gas prices

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byn2ur/i_want_to_go_down_on_you_and_make_you_happy_then/
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A dude walks into a bank...

"Hi, I'd like to open a fucking bank account!"
The lady teller is a bit offended and asks the man to calm down.
"What do you mean calm down? I'm fucking calm!"
"Sir, if you don't stop with the offensive language , I will have to call my manager!"
"What the fuck are you talking about, what offensive language"
The teller goes back to the manager and tell him about the clients rude behaviour. The manager congratulates her for standing her ground and not thanking the crap.
The manager tells her to follow him and watch  how to handle these difficult clients. The manager returns to the counter:
"Sir, do we have a problem?"
"Fuck no, I just won $50 million at the lottery, and I want to open a fucking bank account!"
The manager pointing back to the lady teller:
" And **that bitch** is giving you trouble!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byn0j2/a_dude_walks_into_a_bank/
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I’ll never forget my uncles last words...

“Im not dead you idiots! Get me out of this cremator!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byn06c/ill_never_forget_my_uncles_last_words/
%
Beethoven never sold his house

But he did put it up Fur Elise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bymw9n/beethoven_never_sold_his_house/
%
A man saw a robbery at an apple store

He was an iWitness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bymucf/a_man_saw_a_robbery_at_an_apple_store/
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When I first went to prison...

I was really nervous about dropping the soap, which was pretty silly in retrospect, turns out they just rape you anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bymtei/when_i_first_went_to_prison/
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A man who we’ll call Bob comes back from his morning golf with his friends looking visibly tired

His wife says to him “why are you so tired?” He responds solemnly saying: “Harry had a heart attack and died on the 4th tee.”
“That’s horrible!” his wife says.  “Tell me about it” said Bob. “After that it was just hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bymr2e/a_man_who_well_call_bob_comes_back_from_his/
%
A bear and a rabbit are taking a friendly stroll through the forest when they both have to take a dump

So they each go to find a tree. Afterwards, as they resume their walk, the bear asks
“Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?”
“Not at all” Rabbit says proudly.
So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit a couple times and tosses him in a bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bympd7/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_taking_a_friendly_stroll/
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I'm gonna ask Marvin Gaye to come make my sofa feel better

I need some sectional healing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bymosb/im_gonna_ask_marvin_gaye_to_come_make_my_sofa/
%
Why do reddit users hate facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bymj3f/why_do_reddit_users_hate_facebook/
%
Periodic joke

Helium walks into a bar and tries to order a drink.   Th bartender says "sorry, but we don't serve noble gasses here". He doesn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bymehe/periodic_joke/
%
What do you call a Muslim magician?

Allah Kazam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byme6u/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_magician/
%
What do you call a dog floating in water?

A good buoy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bymcwc/what_do_you_call_a_dog_floating_in_water/
%
Went to a coin factory the other day, they used to have machines that made pennies and dimes,

It all makes cents now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bymc7n/went_to_a_coin_factory_the_other_day_they_used_to/
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Jack and Jill

went up the hill
So Jack could lick her candy
But Jack got a shock
And a mouth full of cock
Cause Jill’s real name is Randy
-told by a local drag queen. Happy pride month!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bymc0k/jack_and_jill/
%
What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bym7oa/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
Which Disney Princess gives the best blowjobs?

Cinderella, cuz she goes all the way to the ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bym7e4/which_disney_princess_gives_the_best_blowjobs/
%
A man walks into a deli

with his pet snake. The cashier looks at him, shocked.
She says, “Wow! What kind if snake is that? It’s beautiful!” The man replies, with pride, “It’s an anaconda, straight from Bolivia!”
The cashier begins the mans order. “What can I get you?”, she asks.
“Actually, I’m ordering for my snake.”
“Okay, what kind of meat does your snake want?”
“Ham and salami.”
“Cheese?”
“Provolone.”
“Dressing?”
“Oil and vinegar.”
“Toppings?”
“Lettuce and tomato.”
“Lastly, what kind of bread?”
“A sesame bun.”
The cashier looks at the man. “I’m sorry,” she says, “but we ran out of sesame buns a few hours ago. We get more tomorrow. We have long rolls and rye bread.”
The man turns away from the register with his snake and begins to leave.
“Wait,” the cashier calls. “You didn’t finish your order!”
The man slowly turns to the cashier. He finally says;
“My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bym76w/a_man_walks_into_a_deli/
%
a man is drinking in a bar, when a fireman walks in.

"The usual cocksucker" the barman calls out.
"hey cocksucker, hows it going? " another customer calls out
Then the waitress says "hey cocksucker, nice to see you"
The guy turns to the fireman and says "Hope you dont mind me asking, but why do they call you cocksucker"
The fireman turns to the guy and says "in the last year I've saved 11 people from burning buildings. 3 people from crrashed cars, I 've raised over half a million for the local charities, I play for the local football team and have scored over half the goals this season and I ran 3 marathons."
"Wow" says the man "your a bit of a local hero then! but why do they insult you?"
the fireman turns to the guy and says " I know, but you suck one little cock..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bym36j/a_man_is_drinking_in_a_bar_when_a_fireman_walks_in/
%
Just found out cock fighting is done with chickens

There goes two years of training I'll never get back :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bylxnt/just_found_out_cock_fighting_is_done_with_chickens/
%
What did my grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?

“Look how far I can kick this bucket?”
Then he had a stroke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bylvyk/what_did_my_grandpa_say_before_he_kicked_the/
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Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.

They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Except the 6-foot mouse is real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byltlx/ukraine_has_announced_plans_to_open_chernobyl_as/
%
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.
The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"
Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bylrx3/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat_before_he/
%
A man walks into a bank and up to the teller line...

The teller greets him kindly and the man responds “I’d like to make a fucking deposit.”
The teller looks shocked and replies “Excuse me sir, could you please refrain from using that type of language in here?”
“Why god damnit, I just want to make a fucking deposit and I’ll get the hell outta here!”
The teller begins to get flustered.
“Sir, if you keep using that language with me, I’m going to have to get the manager!”
The man, getting upset now, responds “I don’t care what the hell you do. I’m just trying to make a god damn deposit here. What the hell is your malfunction?”
With that, the teller walks off and chats with the manager while the man waits there impatiently. The teller and the manager return; the teller with a satisfied grin on her face.
The manager says “Hello sir, I understand you are being quite rude to our employee here. What’s going on?”
The man responds “Listen god damnit, I just won $50 million on the lottery and I’m trying to deposit my winnings.”
The manager thinks for a moment, then says “and this fuckin bitch is giving you a problem??”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bylrnx/a_man_walks_into_a_bank_and_up_to_the_teller_line/
%
Group of gay guys in a Jacuzzi

One of them notices cum floating around in the water and asks " Fuck, who farted?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bylqpz/group_of_gay_guys_in_a_jacuzzi/
%
The man who invented velcro has died.

RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bylqjd/the_man_who_invented_velcro_has_died/
%
This new colander I bought is really heavy!

I'd better put it down before I strain something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bylq6w/this_new_colander_i_bought_is_really_heavy/
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What does my therapist do after I leave his clinic?

He calls his therapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bylhjt/what_does_my_therapist_do_after_i_leave_his_clinic/
%
What’s the difference between a plane crash and cat shit?

One is a catastrophe.  The other is a cat ass trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bylgux/whats_the_difference_between_a_plane_crash_and/
%
"Mommy! Mommy! Little Johnny pulled down his pants and showed me his thingy!"

"Oh? That's... *weird*. Well, what did you think of it?"
"It reminded me of a peanut!"
"Ha ha! Because it was so tiny?"
"No. Salty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bylgpn/mommy_mommy_little_johnny_pulled_down_his_pants/
%
What’s four feet long and fucks rabbits?

My shotgun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bylf9e/whats_four_feet_long_and_fucks_rabbits/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Whatever you want, he’s not coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bylabs/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
What is a suicide bomber’s greatest fear?

Dying alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byl8of/what_is_a_suicide_bombers_greatest_fear/
%
A Mexican magician was performing on stage

He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three,
"Uno"
"Dos"
And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byl6ex/a_mexican_magician_was_performing_on_stage/
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A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.

The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting. The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train. Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his knees and began to pray, Dear Lord let this bear become a Christian!! At that moment the Grizzly Bear stopped dead in his tracks, stood straight up on his hind legs, raised his paws to the heavens, and said Dear Lord thank you for this food I'm about to eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byl0q1/a_hunter_had_been_out_hunting_bear_all_day_when/
%
What do me and the 1930’s have in common?

We both have a Great Depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byky0h/what_do_me_and_the_1930s_have_in_common/
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"What do you wish to do in the future?" asks the teacher.

Pete: "I want to be a pilot"
Tommy: "I want to be a doctor"
Margaret: "I want to be a good mother"
Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bykxgd/what_do_you_wish_to_do_in_the_future_asks_the/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bykw9z/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
My friend wants me to sing at his funeral.

He wants people to know there are worse things than death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bykqqa/my_friend_wants_me_to_sing_at_his_funeral/
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I asked a train engineer how many times he's derailed the train.

He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know... It's hard to keep track".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bykifj/i_asked_a_train_engineer_how_many_times_hes/
%
Did you hear about the cheese factory that explode in France?

There was not thing there but de Brie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bykhjo/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_that/
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I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bykdde/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples_today_sounds_weird/
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RIP boiling water

you will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byk66v/rip_boiling_water/
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I'm positively delighted by funny internet memes.

So much so that I frequently can't even make it to the punch line without becoming giddy with laughter.
I suffer from, premature e-joke elation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byk5rm/im_positively_delighted_by_funny_internet_memes/
%
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,

"I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byk5e3/a_guy_walks_into_a_bank_and_says_to_the_teller_at/
%
There’s nothing much I can say about the Swiss

But their flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byjxdj/theres_nothing_much_i_can_say_about_the_swiss/
%
My father asked me why I was talking so softly at home...

I told him I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
He laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byjxaf/my_father_asked_me_why_i_was_talking_so_softly_at/
%
Before my surgery my anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an either/oar situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byjvjd/before_my_surgery_my_anesthesiologist_offered_to/
%
I wrecked my car this morning and luckily got away with a broken arm.

I don't know who it belongs to but I'm keeping it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byjujd/i_wrecked_my_car_this_morning_and_luckily_got/
%
A guy goes to a pet store and sees a parrot without any feet

He asks the parrot: 'How do you manage to stay on your stick without any feet?'
The parrot answers: 'I actually balance on the stick using my penis. By the way, I am for sale, if you are interested.'
The guy answers: 'A talking parrot who understands me for such a low price? Sold!'
He takes the parrot home and places him in the living room. One day, he comes home from work when the parrot suddenly calls him.
The guy asks: 'What's the matter, my friend?'
The parrot answers: 'I think your wife is cheating on you!'
The guy, visibly confused, asks: 'How can you tell?'
'Well', said the parrot: 'Yesterday, as soon as you left the house for work, your wife put on a nice dress and sprayed some perfume. Then, as soon as the door rang, she opened it immediately and started to make out with the postman. After a few minutes, the postman lifted her up, threw her on the couch and pulled out his pants, ready to have sex with her, I think.'
'And what happened next?', the guy screamed with anger.
'I don't know sir', the parrot answered: 'I got a boner and fell of my stick.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byjtf1/a_guy_goes_to_a_pet_store_and_sees_a_parrot/
%
Why don't you invite Hitler to a barbecue?

He always burns all the Franks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byjlip/why_dont_you_invite_hitler_to_a_barbecue/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur

Ellen DeGenarus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byjjbu/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Brazilian appreciate the picture of Adam and Eve in Paradise.

German comments:
"Look at what perfection of bodies: she, slender and haired; he, with his athletic body, his profiled muscles. They must be Germans."
Frenchman replies:
"I don't believe it. The eroticism from the figures is evident! She, so feminine, he, so masculine. They show that they know that soon the temptation will come. They must be French."
Englishman ponder:
"See the serenity of their faces, the delicacy of the pose, the sobriety of the gestures. They can only be English."
And after a few seconds of silent contemplation, the Brazilian states:
"I do not agree. Look well: they have no clothes, no house, only have one apple to eat, and believe they are in Paradise. They can only be Argentines!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byjfsb/a_german_a_frenchman_an_englishman_and_a/
%
Someone stole my mood ring

I don't know how I feel about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byjflm/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
What do English teachers do on Reddit?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byja25/what_do_english_teachers_do_on_reddit/
%
Well 'Tat' must be a very lucky guy

After all it's tit for tat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byj9a6/well_tat_must_be_a_very_lucky_guy/
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[NSFW] Go home...

Bill the Giant, who's known to be a cruel brawler with a short temper sits at the bar.
A drunk, skin-and-bone old guy approaches Bill and grins, saying "I fucked your mom and it was so good."
People at the bar quickly move away not to be in the way of Bill's wrath but strangely, Bill simply glares at the old guy and remains silent.
The old guy, struggling to stand erect gestures to the barman and says "I'm parched. I'll have a couple drinks then go fuck your mom once more."
People stir again, this time sure there's going to be a splatter of blood around the bar, but Bill remains stoic.
The barman places a shot of whiskey in front of the old man then quickly pushes away. The old guy drains the whiskey and turns to Bill again, saying "Now I'll"...
And at last Bill responds; "Dad, you're drunk. Go home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byj8i3/nsfw_go_home/
%
Two pieces or tarmac are in a bar arguing about who's the hardest

A red piece of tarmac then enters the bar and the two other pieces shut right up and start minding their own business. After the bartender serves the red piece of tarmac a drink and it takes a seat he turns to the other two and asks "what was up with you two? I thought you were supposed to be dead hard?!"
"You dont understand" says the first piece of tarmac "we're not gonna mess with him, he's a cycle path!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byj8h4/two_pieces_or_tarmac_are_in_a_bar_arguing_about/
%
I love pie.

I could eat it 22/7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byj88t/i_love_pie/
%
Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?

Apparently there is a New Delhi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byj881/did_you_hear_cheese_and_meat_sales_have_gone_up/
%
A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr sheep, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest."
The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing, and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr tiger, don't drink beer. Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest."
The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit, and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw, and starts mauling the shit out of this rabbit!
The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they say, "Dude, what the fuck? He was just trying to help you!"
The tiger turns to them and say, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byj56g/a_rabbit_is_hopping_through_the_woods_hop_hop_hop/
%
What's a nuclear physicist's favourite food?

Fission chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byj4h4/whats_a_nuclear_physicists_favourite_food/
%
Why do so many people think Jesus is coming back?

He was nailed to a cross not a boomerang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byj0us/why_do_so_many_people_think_jesus_is_coming_back/
%
I met a Mexican lady with one tooth.

Juanita.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byiynw/i_met_a_mexican_lady_with_one_tooth/
%
Did you hear about the fight outside the chippy?

The fish got battered and the chips got salted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byiva3/did_you_hear_about_the_fight_outside_the_chippy/
%
I once told a joke about science

It didn't get a reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byiv35/i_once_told_a_joke_about_science/
%
What do you call the ghost of a chicken?

A poultrygeist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byipss/what_do_you_call_the_ghost_of_a_chicken/
%
Two kids go into a dining room and see there a man they've never seen before.

They ask him: "Are you our new babysitter?"
He responds: "No, I'm your new motherfucker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byinxx/two_kids_go_into_a_dining_room_and_see_there_a/
%
What do me and the 1930’s have in common?

We both have a Great Depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byin1x/what_do_me_and_the_1930s_have_in_common/
%
Why did the man fall down the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byif08/why_did_the_man_fall_down_the_well/
%
True love lasts forever

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byidh8/true_love_lasts_forever/
%
Diving is a dangerous industry.

It should be regulated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byicr8/diving_is_a_dangerous_industry/
%
Why do people run from the rain while they go willingly under the shower?

Consent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byicmy/why_do_people_run_from_the_rain_while_they_go/
%
Why do Americans love fishing?

They'll kill anything in a school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byiawy/why_do_americans_love_fishing/
%
Even in the morning, when most people's hair is scruffy and looks bad, Will Smith's still looks amazing.

Some call him the Fresh Prince of Bedhair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byi849/even_in_the_morning_when_most_peoples_hair_is/
%
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byi7qk/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
The Bible says that homosexuality is bad...

But Jesus did get nailed by a bunch of guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byi5zh/the_bible_says_that_homosexuality_is_bad/
%
*racist joke be careful*

A black guy comes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder
Barman says: Wow that is something really special! Where did you get it?
Africa - Says the parrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byi4j1/racist_joke_be_careful/
%
A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"
The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of this shit joint?"
"Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from swearing in this restaurant."
"Fuck off!" replies the dude. "And where's the fucking piano?"
"What?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf are we? You little piece of shit, show me your fucking piano."
"Oh, you're here for the pianist job. Can you play any blues?" says the manager showing the dude the piano.
"Of course I fucking can," and the guy plays the most inspiring and beautiful blues that the manager has ever heard.
"That's good, what's it called?"
"I want to fuck your wife on the couch but the springs keep hurting my balls," replies the pianist.
The manager is disturbed but asks if he knows jazz. So he proceeds to play the best jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Great!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted to fuck your daughter but she's still at school."
The manager gets angry but asks if he knows any ballads, he then plays the most heartbreaking melody.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I fuck her under the stars, the moonlight shines off her hairy pussy," he replies.
The manager is upset but offers him the job if he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a little bit, until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde the dude has ever seen. She's wearing a see through dress and her tits are falling out the top. She is sitting there with her legs wide open, staring at him. It's too much for him so he runs off to the restroom to yank one out.
He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager yell "Where's that pianist!?" He just has time to cum and then he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself right, sits down and starts playing his music.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your pants and dripping jizz on your shoes?"
"Know it," he replies, "I fucking wrote it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byi10k/a_dude_walks_into_a_restaurant_and_says/
%
I had a fantastic threesome last night.

A couple of people no showed but I still enjoyed myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byi0cf/i_had_a_fantastic_threesome_last_night/
%
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byhty3/condoms_do_not_guarantee_safe_sex/
%
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byhtp5/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
%
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"
Thinking back, I really should have started running but you don't get offers like that every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byhtp1/i_was_banging_this_hot_chick_on_her_kitchen_table/
%
If you are Australian when you go into the toilet and you are Australian when you come out of the toilet. What are you while you are in the toilet?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byhrpa/if_you_are_australian_when_you_go_into_the_toilet/
%
My friend Dave just turned 30 and was positively distraught. He said, ‘I don’t want to get any older!’

... so I killed him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byhopn/my_friend_dave_just_turned_30_and_was_positively/
%
In a bar, an American, an Italian, a Turkish and an Indian met.

After a few pegs, they started discussing about the great  things their respective nations produced.
American: "We are proud of our CIA. They know everything that is going around the world, often even before it happens".
Italian: "We are proud of our women. They are the most beautiful in the world and are never easy to bed".
Turkish: "We are proud of our carpets. They are such fine works of art. I doubt anyone else can make carpets of such high quality".
Then they all turned to the silent Indian waiting for his response.
Indian: "I guess I'm just proud of myself".
They all asked what made him say so.
Indian: "Well you see, last night I screwed an Italian woman on a Turkish carpet but the CIA knew nothing about it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byhi0v/in_a_bar_an_american_an_italian_a_turkish_and_an/
%
My gay neighbours recently asked me how I view lesbian relationships

Apparently "in HD" was the wrong answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byhhor/my_gay_neighbours_recently_asked_me_how_i_view/
%
Why does no one want to have sex with a feminist?

Because they never let the other person finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byhdfd/why_does_no_one_want_to_have_sex_with_a_feminist/
%
Dogs can't operate MRI scanners

But catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byhdd4/dogs_cant_operate_mri_scanners/
%
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” messed up

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byhcq6/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_messed_up/
%
What do you call a shapeshifter that turns into a human after being an owl?

A who man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byhasi/what_do_you_call_a_shapeshifter_that_turns_into_a/
%
The moon landing was obviously fake.

Like the moon is still up there, it didn’t land anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byh9yy/the_moon_landing_was_obviously_fake/
%
What do you call crocodile HIV?

GatorAIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byh81r/what_do_you_call_crocodile_hiv/
%
Some music transports you to different places

Today I went to a cafe where they were playing Shawn Mendes and I left and went to a different one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byh7k5/some_music_transports_you_to_different_places/
%
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byh6yk/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
Hey Google! Tell me a joke

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyoncé 👯💍

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byh59i/hey_google_tell_me_a_joke/
%
What do French people call masturbation?

menage-a-moi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byh57j/what_do_french_people_call_masturbation/
%
What do you call a gay pride parade that was ran over

Rainbow road

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byh486/what_do_you_call_a_gay_pride_parade_that_was_ran/
%
Me: Hey man i’m thinking about converting to judaism

Him: No way dude
Me: Yahweh dude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byh3jz/me_hey_man_im_thinking_about_converting_to_judaism/
%
Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bygzte/before_my_surgery_my_anaesthesiologist_offered_to/
%
If 38 comes before 39, what comes after 40?

back pain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bygv63/if_38_comes_before_39_what_comes_after_40/
%
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”

“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bygt7m/my_little_daughter_came_to_me_all_excited_saying/
%
wanna hear a joke about sodium?

actually Na, you wont get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bygr4s/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
What do you call a fake noodle?

An Impasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bygq6u/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’.

I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bygpi7/my_friend_surprised_me_for_my_birthday_with_a/
%
Wanna Hear A Joke About STD’s?

Never mind, you won’t get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bygpax/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_stds/
%
Marriage is like a public toilet.

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those who are inside are desperate to come out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bygohf/marriage_is_like_a_public_toilet/
%
My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byglwj/my_friend_said_congratulations_on_your_new_job/
%
Altar boys are a bit like Jesus.

They're being nailed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bygjdb/altar_boys_are_a_bit_like_jesus/
%
I asked the flight attendant what my options were for dinner.

She replied, "Yes or No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byghwi/i_asked_the_flight_attendant_what_my_options_were/
%
Do you think Amy Schumer knows about this community?

Her career could skyrocket if she discovered us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byghny/do_you_think_amy_schumer_knows_about_this/
%
Anti-vaxxer

I was going to make a joke about an anti-vaxxer getting a low-cost inoculation but it was just a cheap shot that they probably wouldn't get anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byg6g8/antivaxxer/
%
How do you plan a party for Pluto?

You make a dwarf planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byg4ry/how_do_you_plan_a_party_for_pluto/
%
I keep pressing the space bar on my computer

But for some reason I am still on Earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byg24a/i_keep_pressing_the_space_bar_on_my_computer/
%
What's a North Korean farmer's favorite time of year?

Breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byg1p1/whats_a_north_korean_farmers_favorite_time_of_year/
%
I was raped alot when I went to jail

My uncle took Monopoly too seriously

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byfzsw/i_was_raped_alot_when_i_went_to_jail/
%
A teacher said, "whoever answers my question can go home".

Suddenly a boy throws his bag out of window.
Teacher asked, " Who threw the bag?"
Boy replied, "Me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byfw68/a_teacher_said_whoever_answers_my_question_can_go/
%
A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.

Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
“How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byft1j/a_kangaroo_at_the_zoo_kept_getting_out_of_his/
%
I like to use big words I don't understand

It makes me feel photosynthesis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byfr1o/i_like_to_use_big_words_i_dont_understand/
%
when does a joke become a dad joke?

when it becomes apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byfoxo/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
kid: hey dad, am i adopted?

dad: no you're dave.
even if we wanted to name you that, you were already named dave when we adopted you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byflvq/kid_hey_dad_am_i_adopted/
%
My backpack is like a small child

You pay 20 bucks for it and it carries your stuff around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byflo5/my_backpack_is_like_a_small_child/
%
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You shoulda seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byfl8b/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
%
What does the farmer say to the cows at night?

It's pasture bedtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byfjdt/what_does_the_farmer_say_to_the_cows_at_night/
%
Student wearing one black and one white shoe in the class

Teacher : Go home and change your shoes.
Student : What's the point. At home also there is one black and one White only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byfir2/student_wearing_one_black_and_one_white_shoe_in/
%
Whats the similarities between women and a hurricane.

When they come they're wild and wet and when they leave they'll take your house and car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byfhc7/whats_the_similarities_between_women_and_a/
%
Back in the olden days, Meteors were NOT allowed on Earth...

After a long run of protests and lobbying by Meteor advocate groups, all of Earth now has meteor rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byfg3x/back_in_the_olden_days_meteors_were_not_allowed/
%
I'm not racist...

The only race I hate is the one where you have to run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byfeny/im_not_racist/
%
I picked up a hitch hiker and he asked, “Why did you pick me up, I could be a serial killer.”

I just replied, “The odds of having two serial killers in the same car is astronomical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byfdyg/i_picked_up_a_hitch_hiker_and_he_asked_why_did/
%
Counting prime numbers is like dating...

If they are under 13, do em in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byfa2y/counting_prime_numbers_is_like_dating/
%
What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on?

A pull out couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byf5tc/what_piece_of_furniture_are_you_least_likely_to/
%
How could anyone stoop so low?

said the dwarf when he got pickpocketed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byf55q/how_could_anyone_stoop_so_low/
%
What did the two brothers say when they were separated at a Western Australian airport?

We were separated at Perth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byf4db/what_did_the_two_brothers_say_when_they_were/
%
A puffer fish went to a surgeon because his puffer mechanism wasn’t working right.

When he got back he talked with his fish friends for a bit.
They asked him, “How did your surgery go? Did they fix your puffer?”
He replied, “It went *swell*.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byf0my/a_puffer_fish_went_to_a_surgeon_because_his/
%
In America, dogs are K9.

In China, dogs are E10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byeuhx/in_america_dogs_are_k9/
%
What did the old woman who lived in the shoe do when her kids moved out?

She moved into a flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byeuh6/what_did_the_old_woman_who_lived_in_the_shoe_do/
%
I just told some asshole to "pick on someone your own size".

Now I feel like an asshole... the guy was a midget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byerwx/i_just_told_some_asshole_to_pick_on_someone_your/
%
The game in the first episode of the new season of black mirror wasn't going to be called striking vipers

They wanted to call it Smash Bros but it was already taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byepzl/the_game_in_the_first_episode_of_the_new_season/
%
A first grade teacher is looking to kill a few minutes at the end of the school day.

She asks the kids if any one has an interesting story that happened with their family.
One kid stands up and blurts out, "Last week my uncle fell down the well"
The teacher gasps and asks "Is your uncle ok?"
"I think so", answers the kid.
" What do you mean?", said the teacher.
"Well he stopped yelling for help yesterday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byep0z/a_first_grade_teacher_is_looking_to_kill_a_few/
%
What does the racist pirate say?

Well I'm not gonna repeat it here, but it ends with a hard aarrrrgh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byeolb/what_does_the_racist_pirate_say/
%
Why is it so hard for egyptian alcoholics to get help?

Because they're too deep in the nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byem8g/why_is_it_so_hard_for_egyptian_alcoholics_to_get/
%
I have such issues with Panic! At The Disco.

They’re teaching people to follow a single path when really, you can panic anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byekjl/i_have_such_issues_with_panic_at_the_disco/
%
Endowed girl goes to the doctor

.
Doctor says, 'I'm Doctor Wessler, what's your name.'
She says with a lisp, 'My name's Thuzy Thmith."
The doctor says, "Let's start by checking your heart." He places his stethoscope on her chest. "Ok big breaths.
"I know, and I'm only thixteen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byeja0/endowed_girl_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Have you heard the song ISIS by Joyner Lucas ft Logic

The song has been really blowing up recently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byeidk/have_you_heard_the_song_isis_by_joyner_lucas_ft/
%
My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bye7ut/my_friend_said_congratulations_on_your_new_job/
%
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls before meeting my friend for game.

The club house had a bin of slightly used balls and I picked out a couple and went to buy them. The cashier asked if I wanted a bag for them and I said it's OK, I'll just put them in my front pockets. While walking out of the store another guy came walking  in and saw me with my pockets bulging. "What's wrong with your pockets?" he asked. "Oh, it's just tennis balls." I said.
"Oh wow, how are you even able to walk? I had tennis elbow once and I could barely move my arms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bye54o/i_wanted_to_pick_up_a_few_more_tennis_balls/
%
How much was the pirate selling corn for?

A buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bye20g/how_much_was_the_pirate_selling_corn_for/
%
Communism is a timeless dream

So one night I was having a weird dream.  I was transported into a communist USA, and everything looked completely different. I lost an item important to me that kept track of time with sand and saw someone across the street that had it.
I told him, “ Sir, that is my glass”.
He responds, “It’s not your glass. It’s h-our glass”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bydw5i/communism_is_a_timeless_dream/
%
Why did Jasmine break up with Aladdin?

Because he had a boo on the side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bydthl/why_did_jasmine_break_up_with_aladdin/
%
A doctor while talking to his patient

Doctor: good news and bad news
Patient : good news first
Doctor: you will lose 50 lbs
Patient : what is bad news then?
Doctor: 50lbs worth of legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bydqmg/a_doctor_while_talking_to_his_patient/
%
I will tell you what always catches me eyes

Short people with umbrellas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bydpdt/i_will_tell_you_what_always_catches_me_eyes/
%
Marco? Polio!

Ok now all the anti-vax people ran away, there's a huge party at my house and you are all invited!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bydpap/marco_polio/
%
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?

Why does it have to be a group activity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bydm1a/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Driving License

- Hi, i came to get my driving license out.
- Excuse me sir, but this is an Hospital.
- Yes, i know. The thing is, it's in my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bydfkj/driving_license/
%
Why does everyone hate anti-jokes?

because they are not funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byd9lg/why_does_everyone_hate_antijokes/
%
What do you call a Jamaican Mexican?

A Caribbeaner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byd8je/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_mexican/
%
The police pulled up right next to me and my Yamaha on the shoulder of the highway today…

Apparently, it’s not the best place to play a keyboard…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byd63q/the_police_pulled_up_right_next_to_me_and_my/
%
Five Deadly Terms Used by a Woman

1. **Fine:** This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut-up.
2. **Nothing:** Means 'something' & you need to be worried.
3. **Go Ahead:** This is a dare, not permission, do not do it.
4. **Whatever:** A woman's way of saying screw you.
5. **That's Okay:** She is thinking long & hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.
BONUS WORD: **Wow!**
This is not a compliment, she's amazed that one person could be so stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byd3o6/five_deadly_terms_used_by_a_woman/
%
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery

Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man.
“They misspelled my name!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byd20t/after_trickortreating_a_teen_takes_a_shortcut/
%
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. No time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byd0em/at_the_end_of_the_physics_lecture_i_asked_my/
%
A polish guy asks a japanese guy a question.

Polish: Why is Japan the least obese country in the world?
Japanese: Did I tell you what happened the last time we had a fat man in Japan?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bycncv/a_polish_guy_asks_a_japanese_guy_a_question/
%
I am surprised I didn't get any upvotes on the joke about a spine that I posted recently.

It was about a week back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bycmlo/i_am_surprised_i_didnt_get_any_upvotes_on_the/
%
A blues club is holding a competition for the best blues performer.

Plenty of musicians show up, but among them is this one grizzled old bluesman. It's his turn to go on stage, so he sits on the piano and goes:
- This song is called: "I Will Slap You With My Dick All Night"
And he breaks out into a beautiful blues tune, after which half of the other musicians just up and leave - no fucking way they can top this. The public is ecstatic. He turns around and goes:
- Oh, shut up. Next one's called: "Choke On My Shit And Die"
It seemed impossible, but the next blues number is even greater. Other competing musicians are in tears of joy, the crowd is screaming. The club declares him the winner, gives him the prize, and asks him to be a club resident. With one condition - drop the obscene song titles. The bluesman obliges.
He shows up to his debut, but he was drinking the day before and over slept, so he didn't much pay attention to how he looked - even his fucking dick is sticking out of his pants, and he didn't notice! He's about to go on stage, when the club owner stops him and whispers to him:
- Man, do you know your dick is sticking out of your pants?
- Do I know it?! I fucking WROTE that ditty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byclnc/a_blues_club_is_holding_a_competition_for_the/
%
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu.  You get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bycj01/hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
%
What do you call a nut with facial hair?

A pistachio...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bycid3/what_do_you_call_a_nut_with_facial_hair/
%
My drug test came back negative.

My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bychhu/my_drug_test_came_back_negative/
%
How did Columbus discover the New World?

He sailed there occidentally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bychhk/how_did_columbus_discover_the_new_world/
%
How do triangles commit suicide?

With a hypotenoose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bych66/how_do_triangles_commit_suicide/
%
What is worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bycguy/what_is_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
What do you call a crying sister?

A crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byce71/what_do_you_call_a_crying_sister/
%
Did you know Conan was a hairdresser?

He was Conan the Barberarian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byc9vy/did_you_know_conan_was_a_hairdresser/
%
My boss told me to have a great day

So I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byc9ky/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_great_day/
%
My wife wanted to name our child Lever, and while I convinced her otherwise, I didn’t really like the other name she chose either, but oh well,

Better Nate than Lever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byc7uq/my_wife_wanted_to_name_our_child_lever_and_while/
%
What do a proctologist and a prostitute who's only clients are homeless people have in common?

They both spend their time at work feeling up bums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byc7bc/what_do_a_proctologist_and_a_prostitute_whos_only/
%
I don’t think I’d have made it through university without the help of my student loans

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byc4n8/i_dont_think_id_have_made_it_through_university/
%
Did anyone see the joke I posted about my spine?

It was about a weak back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byc3tr/did_anyone_see_the_joke_i_posted_about_my_spine/
%
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byc1h2/did_you_hear_about_the_two_people_who_stole_a/
%
Have you heard the one about the electrician making a mistake

I hear it's shocking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bybzjn/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_electrician/
%
Closing brothel

In a neighbourhood, there was a brothel closing down and selling or giving away furniture. Alongside the furniture was a parrot that was left behind, which had earned an experience from looking around and hearing stuff there. So an elderly wife with two children, a son and a daughter, decided to go and look for any good deals there. As she was looking around she found the parrot that was being sold so she decided she would buy and take the parrot home because it would've been a pity if she left it behind.
So she took the parrot home and left it at the kitchen in its cage.
So later on the wife went to take something to eat from the fridge. The parrot goes:
"New bawd I see"
Later the daughter went to make some coffee.
"New hoe I see"
After that, the son went to get some water
"New pimp I see"
And then the dad went to make something to eat. The parrot goes:
"New bawd, pimp and hoe but at least John is still here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bybwm2/closing_brothel/
%
I hate it when people call their significant others their “Partner in Crime”

We get it she’s your sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bybu44/i_hate_it_when_people_call_their_significant/
%
I was playing golf paired with a chimney sweep the other day. I said to him "Whats your handicap?"

He replied "Central Heating"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bybrnc/i_was_playing_golf_paired_with_a_chimney_sweep/
%
Any Questions?

Science Professor: If a girl falls unconscious, give her mouth 2 mouth, blow air into her lungs and keep on pressing her chest with both your palms in quick succession...
Any Questions..?
Student : How to make her unconscious?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bybr22/any_questions/
%
What do you call a penis that’s into conspiracy theories?

Phallics Jones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bybq58/what_do_you_call_a_penis_thats_into_conspiracy/
%
There was once a woman who held a funeral for her boob after a mastectomy

The tombstone said "Breast In Peace"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bybopl/there_was_once_a_woman_who_held_a_funeral_for_her/
%
I'm coming out as Michael Jackson.

My pronouns are he/he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bybmup/im_coming_out_as_michael_jackson/
%
Why was the broom late for work?

He over swept

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bybgxu/why_was_the_broom_late_for_work/
%
A man visits the doctor, telling him, “When I touch my knee, it hurts, when I touch my arm, it hurts, when I touch my nose, it hurts.”

The doctor says, “Well of course that all hurts, your finger is broken!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byb4cl/a_man_visits_the_doctor_telling_him_when_i_touch/
%
The priest and half a lemon

**[Translated from Hungarian, sorry for the grammatical errors]**
There was once a priest who went to travel the world after taking his oath. After years of travelling he arrived in a little village far from civilization. The village didn't have a church, the villagers went to the nearest town if they wanted to worship God, it was more than 25 kilometres away.
The priest sought the Church for monetary support and with help from the locals they built their own chuch. From there on, he was giving sermons and masses on Sunday, joining young couples in Holy Matrinomy, and giving prayers at funerals.
This went on for many years.
On an ordinary Sunday at the end of the mass, the priest was herding the people out of the church and he was ready to close the gates when a raggedy man approached him.
The raggedy man in his dirty and torn clothes stood before the priest and said this to him:
"Priest, please be good and give half a lemon" - said the man.
The priest was a good man but he thought that the request was a bit odd. He went back inside, cut a lemon in half and gave it to the man.
The priest's curiosity was peaked. The priest asked the ruggeddy man:
"My son, tell me, why do you need half a lemon?"
The man with horror on his face quickly took off before the priest was given an answer.
A week later the ruggedy man returned, and he met the priest at the same place. The ruggedy man said to the priest:
"Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon"
The priest was taken aback by the man and his strange request. The priest was good, so he went back inside, cut a lemon in half, and gave it to the stranger and immediatly asked:
"My son, tell me please, why do you need these lemons?"
The strange man immediately took off, but the priest wasn't giving up easy and he went after the stranger. The priest couldn't keep up with the ruggedy man, because he wasn't in the greatest condition, he almost fainted.
The priest hoped that the strange man would come back next week, so he could know why he needed those lemons.
The priest spent the next week running and training, so he could keep up with the strange man. Sure enough, the training paid off because the man was back on the next Sunday and asked the priest:
"Priest, please be good and give me half a lem-"
The priest didn't even wait for him to finish his sentence he immediately gave half a lemon to the strange man.
"Thank you priest, you are good" - said the stranger.
"Don't even mention,my child, but tell me, why do you need all these lemons?"
The man ran away with terror in his eyes, but the priest was in pursuit of him. They were running for a long time when they reached a river. The stranger, without hesitation, leapt in to the river and swam to the other shore and ran away. The priest didn't follow him because he couldn't swim.
He went home fuming. The priest spent the next week taking swimming lessons in the nearest town's swimming pool.
The next week at the same time the strange man arrived again.
"Priest, please be good and give half a lemon"
The priest went in the back, put in his running shoes and swimming trunks and came out with half a lemon and gave it to the man.
"Here you go my son, but could you please tell why do you need it?"
The strange man quickly started running, they ran and ran and ran until they arrived at the river. The man quickly jumped into the river and swam across it, the priest was right behind him, those swimming lessons finally paid off!
They started to run again until they arrived at tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man with cat like agility climbed the tall tree. The priest didn't follow because he didn't know how to climb trees. He went home cursing at everything.
He spent the next week climbing the tree in the churchyard much to the amusment of the villagers. Before Sunday's mass he put on his swimming trunks and his swimming shorts. The priest was good and he even prepared the lemon and put it in his pocket.
The mass finished much earlier than usual, so he could warm up. As soon as he finished his warmup the strange man approached him yet again. The priest gave him the lemon immediately.
"My son, for God's sake, tell me why do you need lemons?"
The man quickly ran off, the priest was right behind him. They ran to the river and swam across, ran to the ravine and climbed the tree. The priest almost caught him when the stranger grabbed a vine and swung across the ravine. The priest was about to have a brain aneurysm when saw another vine. He quickly grabbed it and swung across the deep ravine. When he got to the other side he suddenly encountered another unexpected obstacle. He arrived in a plane graveyard. The strange locked himself inside one of the grounded planes. The priest went around the plane multiple times but he couldn't find a way inside. He was enraged.
Next week he spent everyday at the village's locksmith, studying every method of opening a lock.
Next Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back a waterproof backpack. In the backpack there was a crowbar, wrench, cutting torch, even lockpicks.
The strange man arrive yet again and asked for the same thing.
The priest quickly gave it to him and grabbed his wrists, looked into his terrified eyes and asked him:
"What do you need these lemons for?"
The stranger started to panic and broke free from the priest. They raced to the river, swam across it, they ran to the ravine and swung across it, but the man locked himself inside another airplane. But the priest didn't stop he quickly got all his tools out of his waterproof backpack and started to work on the lock. Not an hour passed he was inside of the plane. Inside, the ruggedy man was crouched in a corner with horror on his face and terror in his eyes.
The good priest crouched down next to him and kindly asked:
"Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I'm very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it?"
"Alright priest" - said the strange man in a trembling voice - "I will tell you but please be good and don't tell anyone"
The priest was good and didn't tell anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byb3t6/the_priest_and_half_a_lemon/
%
A dentist living near my house got arrested for selling drugs.

In today's world you can't trust anyone, I went to him many times in last 10 years, and I never know that he is a dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byb1r5/a_dentist_living_near_my_house_got_arrested_for/
%
American Hospitals

Where they fuck you in the ass, then explain that $20,000 is the uninsured rate for a phallic colonoscopy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byaw3z/american_hospitals/
%
The internet connection at my farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byap48/the_internet_connection_at_my_farm_was_really/
%
An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.
"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"
The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and keeps flying straight and level.
The fighter jock asks, "Um... What did you do?"
The B-52 pilot says, "I just shut down two engines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byalbh/an_f15_pilot_was_assigned_to_escort_an_aged_b52/
%
A Protestant is stoped at a stoplight when a Catholic rear ends him.

So the Protestant, as anyone would do, calls the police. When the police car arrives, out comes a big Irish police officer. The officer looks at the two cars, walks over to the Catholic, and says, “So how fast was he going when he backed into you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byakey/a_protestant_is_stoped_at_a_stoplight_when_a/
%
What do you call a Goth with a large behind?

Gothicc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byak1m/what_do_you_call_a_goth_with_a_large_behind/
%
An undertaker buys 2 vehicles and decides to get custom number plates.

He makes one "HIS" and the other "HEARSE".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byaj4a/an_undertaker_buys_2_vehicles_and_decides_to_get/
%
I accidentally clicked on r/choker instead of r/chonkers

Oh well. I was gonna masturbate anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byacyv/i_accidentally_clicked_on_rchoker_instead_of/
%
Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener?

She thought it was diet coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byac8b/why_did_the_blonde_snort_artificial_sweetener/
%
Why was the T-Rex Cafe always hiring?

No matter what, they always seemed a bit "short handed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byabmw/why_was_the_trex_cafe_always_hiring/
%
I've met Jesus!

His English needs work, but his Spanish is flawless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/byaajb/ive_met_jesus/
%
[NSFW] A retired polish porn star moves to America with his family.

He eventually gets to old to live by himself during the days no one is there so they find him a home.  His son asked him, "how are they treating you, are you enjoying it?"
"Yes!" He replied, "They treat everyone here with much respect! Tom down the hall was a doctor and they still call him Dr. Tom. Daniel down the hall from Tom used to be a Sergeant in the army and they call him Sergeant Daniel. Hell, I never even told them I was a porn star and they still call me 'The Fucking Polack!'."
Sorry if this is a repost. Someone told me it the other day and I switched it up a little for a refresher.  Original is the fucking paki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bya8hh/nsfw_a_retired_polish_porn_star_moves_to_america/
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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bya820/serve_alcohol_at_a_party_nobody_bats_an_eye/
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A man walked into a bar, he was crying profusely

"I need you to give me enough drinks to kill me" He said, sobbing to the bartender.. "My wifes been sleeping with someone else." He explained.
The bartender, in shock replied "I wont kill you. If I were you, I'd kill the guy who fucked my wife."
"Fine." The crying man replied. He returned a few hours later, and told the bartender "Hey, now can you give me enough drinks to kill me?"
The bartender, confused, asked "And why would I do that?"
The once sobbing man, replied with a grin on his face "I fucked your wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bya6hw/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_he_was_crying_profusely/
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I saw a cop pull over a U-haul

Clearly he was trying to bust a move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bya3g8/i_saw_a_cop_pull_over_a_uhaul/
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Wanna hear a dick joke?

Or maybe something more formal?  A Richard joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by9zpr/wanna_hear_a_dick_joke/
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Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.

"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"?
The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise...'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by9xrg/before_going_to_bed_a_little_child_asks_his_dad_a/
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I have a family of horses living nextdoor to me.

They're my *neigh-*bors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by9vtu/i_have_a_family_of_horses_living_nextdoor_to_me/
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What is the definition of innocence?

A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by9t87/what_is_the_definition_of_innocence/
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A woman goes to a pharmacist and says, "I want to buy some poison"

The pharmacist says, "What do you want poison for?"
"I want to kill my husband" she says.
"I can't sell you poison to kill your husband!"
The woman hands the pharmacist a picture of his wife fooling around with her husband.
"Ah!" says the pharmacist, "I see you have a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by9spf/a_woman_goes_to_a_pharmacist_and_says_i_want_to/
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I'm going to do an abortion joke but if you don't like it,

I'll get rid of it and we'll pretend like it never happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by9sd0/im_going_to_do_an_abortion_joke_but_if_you_dont/
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Every time a new Pope is elected...

...there are a lot of rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.
Pope Francis was intrigued by this ritual, that's origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.
"My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."
The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last."
The Chief Rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock - It was the check for the Last Supper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by9r4v/every_time_a_new_pope_is_elected/
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What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?

One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by9q50/whats_the_difference_between_a_black_dad_and_a/
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As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried “DON’T touch me! I can’t take the pain! I won’t make it! Don’t! CAN’T! WON’T!!!”

“Hurry, driver!” I exclaimed. “Her contractions are getting closer together!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by9pi8/as_the_taxi_raced_towards_the_hospital_my_wife/
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What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a chicken?

A crock-adoodledoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by9mm4/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_crocodile_with_a/
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They said swallowing food colouring is dangerous.

That’s because it might make you dye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by9bve/they_said_swallowing_food_colouring_is_dangerous/
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Did you know you can get high from the poison in a bee’s stinger?

Gives you right buzz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by9b60/did_you_know_you_can_get_high_from_the_poison_in/
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What do you call a dog that spies on people?

A ChiHuawei

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by9ahq/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_spies_on_people/
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Little Johnny and the Alphabet

Little Johnny is in kindergarten and loves to say curse words. His teacher has become rather annoyed with his bad habit, so much so that she second guesses even calling on little Johnny to answer questions. Today’s lesson was the alphabet. The teacher asks each student to raise their hand if they know a word that starts with each letter of the alphabet, starting with A then B and C etc etc
Johnny’s teacher sees him raise his hand as she gives out the first letter. A......too easy to make a curse word. B also too easy. Definitely not C. On and on she goes and with each letter Johnny enthusiastically raises his hand and each time the teacher calls another students name.
Letters are running out and she begins to feel bad the little Johnny has not been called on to give an answer. So finally at the letter W she reluctantly calls on Johnny.
“Ok Johnny your letter is W. What word starts with W?” Johnny thinks for a minute and then shouts “Womb!”
The teacher is caught off guard and begins to cheerfully exclaim “Well yes Johnny that is a word that starts with W! And a very advanced word too! A womb is where your mommy kept you until you were born”
“No!” Yells Johnny. “It’s the sound of two elephants fucking WOOM WOOM WOOM”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by99yl/little_johnny_and_the_alphabet/
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Why did none of the girls at Hogwarts ever get pregnant?

Fetus Deletus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by9735/why_did_none_of_the_girls_at_hogwarts_ever_get/
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There once was a man who always wanted to be a train conductor.

All his life this man wanted to conduct a train. So once the man grew older, he followed his dreams learned to be a conductor. The man went through extreme training and was finally ready to conduct a large passenger train.
All was going great until the man suddenly fell asleep and the train derailed. Everyone on the train died except for the man. He was arrested and sentenced to death for reckless endangerment. The brought him over to the electric chair and asked him what he wanted for his last meal. He said he wanted a peanut butter and honey sandwich. After he ate, they sat him down in the chair and fired it up. After around ten seconds, the chair turned off because it needed to "recharge." But the man was completely unscathed.
The officers, too lazy to deal with the man let him go with mandatory therapy to help him stay awake and to redo the conductor training.  He completed his therapy and training and got back to conducting. He was excited because he got to drive an even bigger train this time. He was just getting started when the man got distracted by a beautiful butterfly and the train derailed smashing into a couple of houses. All the people on the train and in the houses died except for the man. He was arrested and sentenced to death. He was taken to the country's most powerful electric chair and asked what he wanted for his last meal. He said he wanted a PB&H sandwich. After he ate, they sat him down in the chair and fired it up. After around ten minutes, the chair broke down from the extreme heat. But the man was completely unscathed.
The officers, angered, released the man on the term that he would go through the most extreme training in the country to help him focus. The man agreed and did what the officers told him to. After a year, the man got the invitation to test drive the newest largest train out there. They didn't trust him to have people on the train but they did trust him to do this because what could go wrong? Right? RIGHT? Anyway, the man was ecstatic to conduct this train. He got going and realized the train could reach incredible speeds. He was zooming around the corners without risk because the train had an electromagnetic in the wheels to connect it to the track. The man was high in the mountains above a large city when he had a violent coughing fit. Violent enough to overcome the electromagnet and derail the train off the cliff and down to the large city. Upon impact, the train exploded with a force of 100,000 lbs of TNT. Everyone in the city was instantly killed except for the man. He was arrested and brought to the worlds most powerful electric chair that wasn't even used for executions yet. The officers threw the man his sandwich and watched impatiently as he ate. When he finished, they shoved him in the chair and cranked it up to full power after dowsing him in water. The chair had the power of over 200 lightning bolts per second. It ran for ten hours before crumbling to ash from the extreme power. The officers reentered to find the man sitting on the floor asleep. They were enraged and forcefully woke the man screaming, "WHY THE FUCK WILL YOU NOT DIE FROM THE CHAIR?" The man just drowsily looked up at them, shrugged and said,
"I guess I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by96bu/there_once_was_a_man_who_always_wanted_to_be_a/
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I ran away from fat camp

I guess it worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by95vj/i_ran_away_from_fat_camp/
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Three ducks went to court after being arrested

When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, "what's your name?"
The duck responds, "Quack."
And what did you get arrested for?
The duck says, "I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
And he goes on his way.
The judge calls upon the second duck, and again asks, "what's your name?"
The second duck responds with, "Quack quack."
And what did you get arrested for?
The second duck responds with, "I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
And he goes on his way.
The judge calls upon the third duck, and sarcastically asks, "let me guess, your name is Quack quack quack?"
The third duck, completely confused, replies with, "no your honor, my name is Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by93rk/three_ducks_went_to_court_after_being_arrested/
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I don’t get why Elsa was so sad after her parents died at sea

She should really learn to Let It Go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by92nt/i_dont_get_why_elsa_was_so_sad_after_her_parents/
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Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example,  just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by8ufs/smoking_marijuana_has_imbued_me_with_catlike/
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Doctor : We had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by8tfa/doctor_we_had_to_remove_your_colon/
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A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith...

...for advice about enlarging her breasts.
He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus--"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by8sd7/a_flatchested_young_lady_goes_to_dr_smith/
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Doctor, How long will it take for me to recover from this accident?

Doctor: Physically 6 months and financially 12 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by8q5v/doctor_how_long_will_it_take_for_me_to_recover/
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A Polish Guy Goes to the Eye Doctor

A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor for a checkup.  He sits in the chair and the eye doctor says to him, "Can you read the chart on the wall?"
The guy replies, "Read it?  I know him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by8ko3/a_polish_guy_goes_to_the_eye_doctor/
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I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?

Ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by8iw8/i_have_six_eyes_two_mouths_and_three_ears_what_am/
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Some guy posted sexy pics of their girlfriend on r/memes

certified bra moment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by8i60/some_guy_posted_sexy_pics_of_their_girlfriend_on/
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Australians don't have sex

Australians mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by8hv9/australians_dont_have_sex/
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What's the cheapest piece of meat?

Deer balls, they're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by8fkp/whats_the_cheapest_piece_of_meat/
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I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by8e34/i_was_eating_at_a_restaurant_and_decided_to_try_a/
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A fortunetelling midget died in a fire

Headlines read: Small Medium Well Done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by87vk/a_fortunetelling_midget_died_in_a_fire/
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I once heard a Russian roulette joke.

It unexpectedly blew away my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by84qk/i_once_heard_a_russian_roulette_joke/
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A lady walks into a park, and finds a man lying on a bench, with nothing but a cap over his crotch

The lady says "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your cap". The man replies " If you were any sort of a hot lady, the cap would've lifted itself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by842y/a_lady_walks_into_a_park_and_finds_a_man_lying_on/
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A Man Walks into a Bar

He walks up to the bar and stands there. "One shot of whiskey, my good man!"
"You're in a jolly mood today. What's the occasion?" Asks the bartender.
"Well, I just tried anal for the first time with my wife!" The patron exclaims.
"Hell, the first one is on me then, have a seat!"
"I wish I could!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by8039/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.

You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by7ywt/its_surprising_flat_earthers_are_still_using_money/
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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing they are both stuck-up cunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by7w18/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
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Little Johnny is in math class when the teacher poses a question:

>Why are the order of operations so important?
Little Johnny raises his hand and says,
>Because you can blow your nose and wipe your ass with the same tissue but you can’t wipe your ass and blow your nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by7vn4/little_johnny_is_in_math_class_when_the_teacher/
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When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by7s4y/when_i_was_little_i_had_a_disease_that_required/
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Did you hear about the guy who vigorously jerked off near some foliage in the park, and then when approached by police he wouldnt give them any direct answers?

The guy really knew how to beat around the bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by7muk/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_vigorously_jerked/
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Will glass coffins become popular in the future?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by7kwi/will_glass_coffins_become_popular_in_the_future/
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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by7kjh/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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A man whose wife was pregnant...

A man whose wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth. So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.
He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but theres another one on the way" he rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but they’re still coming!"
He rang once more and the nurse said "this one’s a boy but there's still another coming!"
By this time he couldn't stand it any more, his nerves were shot and he could barely dial the numbers, so he went to the pub and got blisteringly drunk.
An hour later he was 3 sheets to the wind and more anxious than ever, but decided to finally call. As he was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, he accidentally dialled the cricket results line.
They picked up and he asked nervously "...how many did we get mate?"
The person promptly replies "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by7k1w/a_man_whose_wife_was_pregnant/
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I never understand school shooting jokes..

I guess they are aimed for the younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by7in3/i_never_understand_school_shooting_jokes/
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What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by7h56/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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wanna know how i got fired from my job at the bank

an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by799t/wanna_know_how_i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_bank/
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There was a kidnapping in the local high school.

Luckily a teacher woke him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by76hr/there_was_a_kidnapping_in_the_local_high_school/
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How many owls does it take to put a light bulb in a socket

Don't be ridiculous, as if owls could do such a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by763t/how_many_owls_does_it_take_to_put_a_light_bulb_in/
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Shocked to discover my masseur sold the rights to footage of our sessions.

I’m told it will be a neck-fix exclusive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by75m5/shocked_to_discover_my_masseur_sold_the_rights_to/
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What's a white supremacist's favorite board game?

Nahtzee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by73vv/whats_a_white_supremacists_favorite_board_game/
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What did the slave owner said to his slave during the gold rush?

I wanna make you mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by73cv/what_did_the_slave_owner_said_to_his_slave_during/
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I've got a French rifle for sale.

It's never been fired, but it was dropped once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6ye9/ive_got_a_french_rifle_for_sale/
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Who is the master of corn religion ?

The pope corn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6y3z/who_is_the_master_of_corn_religion/
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I’ve been singing “Wonderwall” all day. My wife asked me if I could stop.

I said, “Maybe”...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6x08/ive_been_singing_wonderwall_all_day_my_wife_asked/
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Why was the Anti-Vaxxer's 4 year old crying?

Midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6unu/why_was_the_antivaxxers_4_year_old_crying/
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A little boy is in bath with his mother & asks "mummy why you have a split between your legs?"

His mother replies "That is where your Daddy hit me with the axe"
The boy then say "That's a pretty good shot mum he got you right in the cunt!"
(My husband tell me this one I laughed hard so share it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6ulb/a_little_boy_is_in_bath_with_his_mother_asks/
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Why do elves get allergic reactions with each other?

They can't stand themselves!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6u04/why_do_elves_get_allergic_reactions_with_each/
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Son: Mom, what is that?

Mom: It's called makeup my boy.
Son: Why are you taking it on your face?
Mom: It is to make me look pretty.
Son: Oh okay.
*After a while*
Son: When is it going to work?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6t5f/son_mom_what_is_that/
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dont be sad

, because sad backwards is das, and das ist nicht gut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6rdr/dont_be_sad/
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A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.

The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.
He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough..??
Finally he said,
"OK, good. You can get dressed now and I will go talk to your Husband."
The Doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the Husband,
"Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. Cos, I couldn't get an Erection either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6qqf/a_husband_was_a_bit_embarrassed_and_told_the/
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What’s the difference between a baked sweet potato and a flying pig?

One’s a heated yam and the other’s a yeeted ham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6q9t/whats_the_difference_between_a_baked_sweet_potato/
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My friend asked me, with my current bank balance which Apple product could I buy

Apple juice, I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6mi6/my_friend_asked_me_with_my_current_bank_balance/
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Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6lez/why_is_a_stormtroopers_height_of_511_measured_in/
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Mermaids

Why did the mermaid wear seashells on her chest?
Because B shells were too small and D shells were too big!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6huo/mermaids/
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How do blind skydivers know when it's time to open the parachute ?

When the dog's leash gets slack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6gsw/how_do_blind_skydivers_know_when_its_time_to_open/
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Patient: Whats the news doc?

Doc: Well there is good news and bad news.
Patient: Give em both doc.
Doc: Well good news is bad news wont last long...and bad news is good news wont last long either.
Patient: Why's that doc?
Doc: You're only gonna live for
3
2
1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6ght/patient_whats_the_news_doc/
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What’s brown and rhymes with snoop

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6fjs/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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Daughter’s favourite knock knock joke

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting paleontologist
Interrupting paleon...
DINOSAUR! DINOSAUR! DINOSAUR!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6brl/daughters_favourite_knock_knock_joke/
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?

“What are you shaking for she’s going
to eat me. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6bbs/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
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How long is a light year?

A year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6a5s/how_long_is_a_light_year/
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I saw a really big seagull today

It was easily big enough to be a D gull, but not quite big enough to be an eagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by6774/i_saw_a_really_big_seagull_today/
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The story of Ted

Ted was a young boy who used to spend all of his time playing sports and making music. He never went on the computer because his parents forbid him from touching any computer because they knew all the bad stuff you could find on the internet.
Nevertheless, Ted was happy and went on without computers until he got to high school. All his friends were playing video games and having fun and he started to feel a bit left out, so when he got home one day from school, he begged his mother to get him a computer. “Please mother, please, all my friends are playing computer games!” He would cry, but his mother continued to deny him.
1 week later the issue rose again in his friends group at school and everyone was confused why Ted couldn’t play video games with him. After repetitive failure from his mother, he asked his dad. “Please father, please, all my friends are playing it!” But his father denied him as well.
Ted was really angry and all he wanted to do was play online with his friends every once in a while. He thought he’d take matters into his own hands and he stole his fathers computer and hid it in his room. That night he played with his friends for hours and hours until morning, then he secretly stayed home and played all day.
His dad didn’t notice until that afternoon, when he walked into his office and his computer was missing, so he asked his son Ted if he touched it. Ted owned up and gave the computer back, but had a tantrum afterwards. “WHY DON’T I GET TO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS” he yelled in tears.
Feeling pity, his dad finally bought him a laptop. Ted was on it 10 hours a day and refused when his parents told him to get off. After 2 months nothing had changed and his parents started to get worried about his wellbeing. They approached him to talk about it. Ted agreed, but only if he could play video games whilst they talked.
“So Ted” his mother said, “we’ve been worrying about you lately” “uh-hu” Ted said. “Seriously son!” His father yelled, “this needs to stop!” “Mhm yep” Ted replied. “Are you listening to us Ted?” His mother said, but Ted didn’t even reply. “You know what son?” His father yelled, “you are a dick Ted!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by65q3/the_story_of_ted/
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I finally found a guy with a large penis

He made my hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by64aa/i_finally_found_a_guy_with_a_large_penis/
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A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"
"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.
"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.
He extends his hand and says "Shake!"
The pony promptly performs the trick.
The man produces another dollar.
"Play dead!"
The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while.
"How about a tougher one?" the man says and puts another dollar in the jar.
"What's eleven minus five?"
The pony stomps with a hoove six times.
"This is incredible" he exclaims.
The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault.
After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says: "Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can't do?"
"He can't sing" the man replies.
The guy considers this for a bit.
"Why can't he sing" the guy asks.
The man looks him in the eye.
"He's a little horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5yx6/a_guy_visits_a_carnival_and_amongst_the/
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Music is just like candy

You throw away the rappers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5yro/music_is_just_like_candy/
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I found out my wife was pregnant before her

Because I recently got good at telling dad jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5yml/i_found_out_my_wife_was_pregnant_before_her/
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What's a pirate's favourite letter ?

R ?
He likes R, but the C be his first love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5scd/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
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Michael Gove says he deeply regrets taking drugs

Everyone else deeply regrets he didn't take them all at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5s2s/michael_gove_says_he_deeply_regrets_taking_drugs/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80 ?

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5rqk/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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What do you call a bad french dad joke?

*A faux pas*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5rdj/what_do_you_call_a_bad_french_dad_joke/
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Apparently, someone in America is shot every 20 seconds

Poor bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5rd7/apparently_someone_in_america_is_shot_every_20/
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My boss asked me if I could perform under pressure.

I said no but I do I a pretty good bohemian rhapsody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5que/my_boss_asked_me_if_i_could_perform_under_pressure/
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Amazon say drones will be making deliveries in ‘months’

So much for next day delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5qng/amazon_say_drones_will_be_making_deliveries_in/
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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.
Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.
There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out.
He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab.
"How much is it to the airport?" he asks.
The driver says, "$15."
"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?"
The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing.
"How much to airport?"
"$15."
"Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?"
And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.
He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out.
He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.
He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?"
Driver responds, "$15."
The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!"
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5ol9/a_guy_goes_to_las_vegas_to_gamble_and_he_loses/
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Why did 4 not watch horror movies?

It's was 2 squared!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5o6z/why_did_4_not_watch_horror_movies/
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A physicist sees a young man about to jump off a cliff

He yells: Don't do it! You have so much potential!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5nwy/a_physicist_sees_a_young_man_about_to_jump_off_a/
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I took a urine test at the hospital the other day

Man, my kleptomania is out of control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5mh8/i_took_a_urine_test_at_the_hospital_the_other_day/
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So if “pro” is the opposite of “con”,

Is progress the opposite of Congress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5lno/so_if_pro_is_the_opposite_of_con/
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A farmer got injured milking a young cow

He strained his calf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5i5o/a_farmer_got_injured_milking_a_young_cow/
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One day, a soldier bursts into the commander's office and says: 'Commander, Commander, there are gay people in the camp!'

The commander asks: 'But soldier, how do you know?'
'Well, the captains dick tastes like shit!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5fbe/one_day_a_soldier_bursts_into_the_commanders/
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What was Moby Dick’s dads name?

Papa Boner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5dh6/what_was_moby_dicks_dads_name/
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The police pulled up beside me and my Yamaha on the hard shoulder of the Motorway today.

Apparently it’s not the place to play a keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5dfv/the_police_pulled_up_beside_me_and_my_yamaha_on/
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A mother is sitting in the car with her three children...

The first girl asks, "mom? Why am I named rose?"
The Mom says "because a rose fell on your head as we were leaving the hospital"
the second girl says "mom why am I named Lily?"
The Mom says "because a Lily fell on your head as we were leaving the hospital"
and then the boy says "olololololoooolllollolol" and the mom says "shut up brick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5ctu/a_mother_is_sitting_in_the_car_with_her_three/
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Today is going to be an exciting day for me, we are going to find the time capsule i buried when I was a kid

I Can't wait to see how big my puppy has got

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5b71/today_is_going_to_be_an_exciting_day_for_me_we/
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Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?

Edit：Wow thanks for the gold kind strangerr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by59ry/dont_you_hate_it_when_people_get_ahead_of/
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What did Jesus do when he found his floors were dirty?

Jesus swept

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by5959/what_did_jesus_do_when_he_found_his_floors_were/
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I recently got rid of my vacuum cleaner.

All it was doing was gathering dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by58kh/i_recently_got_rid_of_my_vacuum_cleaner/
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I was at the grocery store with Grandpa when two girls in super short skirts walked by. Grandpa said “Look at those Jet Skirts”, as we both admired the two ladies. I had to know, what's a Jet Skirt?

He replied “it's a skirt so short that when they bend over you can see the cockpit”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by585y/i_was_at_the_grocery_store_with_grandpa_when_two/
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An awful joke that popped into my head

What do you give a dog that graduates from university?
A pedigree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by57u1/an_awful_joke_that_popped_into_my_head/
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What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by53kw/what_is_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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Why didn't the scientist install a door bell at his home?

Because he wanted a Nobel prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by50jq/why_didnt_the_scientist_install_a_door_bell_at/
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A couple decide to take their young daughter to zoo one weekend

While standing around the elephant exhibit the little girl notice that the big bull elephant has huge erection
She whisper to her mother "What is that between his legs?" & her mother whisper back "Oh that is nothing darling."
Not satisfied with mothers answer she whisper to her father "Daddy what does he have between his legs?" & her father whisper back "That his penis darling. He put that inside the lady elephant to make baby elephants."
The little girl get confused & whisper "Mum says it's nothing." & her father reply "Yes but I spoil that woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by4xa6/a_couple_decide_to_take_their_young_daughter_to/
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What technology company was named after its founders genitalia?

Microsoft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by4w7i/what_technology_company_was_named_after_its/
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Tell a man a joke and he'll laugh for a moment...

Teach a man to joke and he'll become a dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by4vvg/tell_a_man_a_joke_and_hell_laugh_for_a_moment/
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What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods?

Tigers got a much better driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by4twv/whats_the_difference_between_princess_diana_and/
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White cow, black cow

A man was hiking through the mountains with his family when they met a cowman with two cows. They approach him
"Good morning my friend. My children have never seen a cow in their life, may we get near?"
"Yeah, to the white cow" he answers.
"What about the black one?" Asks the father,worried.
"You can get near to the black one, too" says the cowman.
The father is puzzled but goes on asking:"well, tell me, how much does a cow weigh?"
"The White one is 1500 pounds" says the cowman
"What about the black one?"
"She's 1500 too".
The father is even more puzzled than before but keeps asking anyway.
"And so, how much milk a day?"
"The White one makes 10 gallons of Milk every day" answers the cowman
"What about the black one?"
"She makes 10 gallons too".
Finally, the father can't hold it back anymore.
"Well, my good friend, whenever I ask you a question, you always answer about the white cow only. Why is that?"
"Because the White cow is mine"
"Oh...and what about the black cow?"
"She's mine too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by4tak/white_cow_black_cow/
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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down and asks the bartender, “do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?”
The bartender replies, “no we only have plane ones.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by4rod/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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When a woman sits in church her soul fills up with hope

When she sit in a bath something similar happens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by4qga/when_a_woman_sits_in_church_her_soul_fills_up/
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What did the tied up lobster fear more than boiling water?

Claw-Strophobia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by4q3p/what_did_the_tied_up_lobster_fear_more_than/
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What do vegan zombies say?

graaains...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by4m24/what_do_vegan_zombies_say/
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Knock Knock! Who’s There? 9/11! 9/11 Who?

You said you’d never forget!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by4gnf/knock_knock_whos_there_911_911_who/
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Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really...
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by4gax/me_you_wanna_know_how_i_got_these_scars/
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A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler sitting there talking to the bartender...

Hitler what are you doing here, I thought you were dead! says the man
Hitler replies oh no no no that was all staged. I'm alive and well and with a new master plan. I'm killing all poor people AND a giraffe!
Puzzeled the man asked Ooookay, but what's with the giraffe?
Hitler turns to the bartender and says "You see what I'm telling you barkeep? No one gives a fuck about the poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by4ffq/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_hitler_sitting/
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A mother takes her daughter to a clinic

She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning, lost her appetite, and even missed a period.
The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening.
The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the girl is pregnant.
The visibly irked mother tells the doctor in a very indignant tone: "But that is not possible at all. I have ensured that she doesn't have any boyfriends, she goes to an all girls Catholic school, and dresses like a nun. She is absolutely a virgin. You probably haven't examined her well! You are wrong!!"
The girl doesn't speak a word and stays fidgeting while looking at her toes.
The doctor stands up and walks to the window. As he peeps out, the mother says,
"Well..aren't you going to say something? Order more tests? Refer us to a different doctor? What are you looking for through that window anyway?"
The doctor turns.
"Ma'am. The last time this happened a star appeared in the east".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by4dt8/a_mother_takes_her_daughter_to_a_clinic/
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From my six year old son with CP

Why don't bear's wear shoes?
Because they have bear feet! (It's then followed up with uncontrollable laughter)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by4c31/from_my_six_year_old_son_with_cp/
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I am dying inside right now

Dad: WHy dID ThE BIkE FaLL oVEr?
Me: Wh-
Dad: BeCAUsE iT wAS ToO tIReD!!!!!
Me:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by49gq/i_am_dying_inside_right_now/
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I don't exercise when I'm sick

My nose does the running for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by48rl/i_dont_exercise_when_im_sick/
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The parrot and the prostitutes

A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. One particular parrot is extremely cheap. She asks the pet shop owner why. The owner replies that it has spent some time in a brothel and has picked up some bad language. Always the spendthrift, the lady takes the parrot home with the intention of teaching it some manners.
When she gets home the parrot pipes up. "New brothel, new Madame". The lady was a little taken aback, but remembering the Parrots background she chastises the parrot and tells it that sort of language is unacceptable.
A few hours later the lady's two daughters arrive home. The parrot pipes up again: "New brothel, new prostitutes". The girls are shocked but the mother explains the parrots background and once again chastises the parrot.
A few hours later the husband returns home. Again the parrot pipes up: "Yo Steve, how you doing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by3tmn/the_parrot_and_the_prostitutes/
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The rules for religions and penises are the same.

It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by3lwu/the_rules_for_religions_and_penises_are_the_same/
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Why did the two cows fight?

Because they had beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by3glf/why_did_the_two_cows_fight/
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My kids won’t stop telling this joke......

Q: What kind of bees make milk?
A: Boobies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by3ghq/my_kids_wont_stop_telling_this_joke/
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Being kissed as you sleep is one of the purest forms of love

Unless you're in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by3eof/being_kissed_as_you_sleep_is_one_of_the_purest/
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Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?
Hike.
Hike who?
I didn’t know you liked Japanese poetry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by3bg7/knock_knock/
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“Take this number four out of my hand and I’ll give you one million dollars. However, a complete stranger to you will die,” said the man in a back alley.

“No!” the other man responded, “I would never four give myself”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by379i/take_this_number_four_out_of_my_hand_and_ill_give/
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I got to meet all my fans last night

It was pretty cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by36we/i_got_to_meet_all_my_fans_last_night/
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What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

A woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by34xb/what_gets_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
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Rant: Please stop posting holocaust jokes. My great grandfather died in a concentration camp and it's very painful.

He fell off the guard tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by31vb/rant_please_stop_posting_holocaust_jokes_my_great/
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Disney just launched a Mt. Everest attraction.

You wait in line, then die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by2sjt/disney_just_launched_a_mt_everest_attraction/
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What’s the difference between a couch and me?

My couch pulls out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by2qsy/whats_the_difference_between_a_couch_and_me/
%
I got the words "Yakuza" and "Jacuzzi" confused.

So now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by2qnd/i_got_the_words_yakuza_and_jacuzzi_confused/
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A colony on the moon would be a pretty cool thing.

Especially on the dark side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by2nte/a_colony_on_the_moon_would_be_a_pretty_cool_thing/
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What’s the difference between a bmw and a porcupine?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by2ng0/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
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I started a business selling landmines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by2mlb/i_started_a_business_selling_landmines_that_look/
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A guy walks into a bar to get some work done.

Guy says to the bartender “hey, can I get the WiFi password?”  Bartender says “you have to buy a drink first”. Guy grunts and says “fine, let me get a jack and coke”. Bartender comes over and gives the man his drink. Guys say “now can I have the WiFi password?”  Bartender nods and say “you have to buy a drink first, all lower case and no spaces”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by2lhv/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_to_get_some_work_done/
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A gorilla walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a shot of vodka.
The bartender is amazed to see a talking gorilla in the bar, and wants to start up a conversation, but the gorilla isn't interested.
So the bartender has an idea to make the price so high, that the gorilla will complain, forcing him to talk.
"$19."
The gorilla is obviously upset, but just mutters something under his breath and gives the $19.
He throws it down his throat, and starts to walk out, when the bartender stops him.
"Please don't go, we've never had a talking gorilla in the bar."
The gorilla turns around, looking a bit primal, and screams.
"FOR $19 PER SHOT OF VODKA, I COULD SEE WHY!!!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by2h8j/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's a bear with no teeth called?

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by2fnd/whats_a_bear_with_no_teeth_called/
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I like my r/jokes like I like my coffee.

The same stuff 7 times a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by2a5y/i_like_my_rjokes_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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I just found out I was adopted and was super depressed

then my sister walked in looking hella thicc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by26yk/i_just_found_out_i_was_adopted_and_was_super/
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What's a priest's favorite subreddit?

r/im14andthisisdeep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by22dt/whats_a_priests_favorite_subreddit/
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Why is working at a Pork Sausage factory the worst job?

Because every day is Ground Hog day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by202z/why_is_working_at_a_pork_sausage_factory_the/
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by1vzq/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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What's Forrest Gump's password?

1forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by1sil/whats_forrest_gumps_password/
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A young hooker is working her first night on the streets...

She gets in her first car and drives off. An hour later, the car pulls up again and drops her off. The other girls on the corner ask her how her first trick went.
"Wow! He was a super hot marine, in town on leave for a couple weeks. Such an amazing body. He asked what my prices were. I told him $10 for a hand-job. $25 for a blowjob, and $50 for a fuck. Same as all you guys. But then he got all sad and said he only had $10. So he decided to go for the hand-job."
"How'd that go?" a hooker asks.
"Oh my God! He had the most beautiful dick I've ever seen in my life! Nine inches, smooth skin, hard as oak, and perfectly thick. I was shaking and wet after only a minute!"
"So then what happened?"
"I loaned him forty bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by1r9v/a_young_hooker_is_working_her_first_night_on_the/
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A very cheap widow goes to a newspaper industry to write a eulogy for her late husband

"Alright," says the newspaper guy. "I'm sorry for your loss. It'll be one dollar per word."
The widow clutches her heart in shock, then says, "Fine. 'Husband died'."
"Sorry, ma'am, but the eulogy has to be a minimum of five words."
The woman sighs in exasperation and replies, "Fine. 'Husband died. Volvo for sale'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by1fhs/a_very_cheap_widow_goes_to_a_newspaper_industry/
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Be yourself, because no one else can!

Except identity thieves. They can be you too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by1f5s/be_yourself_because_no_one_else_can/
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My dad is gay

and he lives with his partner. I'm immune to all "yo mama" jokes.
-Yo mama's so ugly yo dad had to get a husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by1f4s/my_dad_is_gay/
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A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by1bgz/a_casket_company_has_started_marketing_clear/
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People are worrying about Huawei stealing personal info but it's the Western technologies (Apple, Blackberry, Raisin, Raspberry pi) that we should be concerned about.

They're much more likely to be inciders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by1bdy/people_are_worrying_about_huawei_stealing/
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My vacation to Thailand has taught me that I like my women like I like my brownies...

...without nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by1bdm/my_vacation_to_thailand_has_taught_me_that_i_like/
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What is the punishment for polygamy?

2 wives!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by1bcg/what_is_the_punishment_for_polygamy/
%
Why do Americans go fishing with guns?

Because a group of fish is called a school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by1b9e/why_do_americans_go_fishing_with_guns/
%
I'm a retired Gynaecologist but ocassionally I do the odd appointment at a local surgey.

You know.... just to keep my hand in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by0rgo/im_a_retired_gynaecologist_but_ocassionally_i_do/
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Just remember you are someone's reason to smile.

Because you're a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by0n60/just_remember_you_are_someones_reason_to_smile/
%
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.

I only received paper, pen, bindings and glue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by0kn6/i_bought_a_do_it_yourself_book_on_amazon/
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Courtesy of my four year old

Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?
A: Popcorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by0f48/courtesy_of_my_four_year_old/
%
I hate when the Jehova’s witnesses come knocking at my door.

I mean their food cup was full when I last checked the basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by0djn/i_hate_when_the_jehovas_witnesses_come_knocking/
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As a child my priest traumatized me.

He cheated on me with another altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by0de4/as_a_child_my_priest_traumatized_me/
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Just saw a repost of my repost with more upvotes

I guess you could say that’s karma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by06wt/just_saw_a_repost_of_my_repost_with_more_upvotes/
%
Why are tall people so judgmental?

They always look down on people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by06ty/why_are_tall_people_so_judgmental/
%
Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton, Obama, and a little girl are on a crashing plane wit only 3 parachutes...

Hilary Clinton says, ” I'm off to win the next election, ” takes a parachute, and jumps off.  Donald Trump says, ”I’m better than you fools, you're fired, ” picks one up, and jumps off.  Obama says to the girl, ” you are our future, you take the last parachute.” The girl responds with, ”no, we both get a parachute. The very stable genius took my backpack.”
(edited, containing a joke by                      u/TheLuuuuuc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by01wm/donald_trump_hilary_clinton_obama_and_a_little/
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Mechanics might disagree, but...

...eyedrops are technically blinker fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/by00d1/mechanics_might_disagree_but/
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What's Vlad the impalers favorite joke?

This bar goes into a guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxzzsw/whats_vlad_the_impalers_favorite_joke/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, the others a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxzyhj/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus...

I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus.
The waiter said: "It takes four hours."
I asked why?
He said: "It keeps turning off the gas!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxzxyy/i_went_into_a_restaurant_and_i_ordered_octopus/
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A good joke for the guys

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
He says to the other patrons, "Here's the deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and insert my genitals. The gator will close his mouth for one full minute, then open it, and i'll remove my unit unscathed . If it works everyone buys me drinks."
All of the other patrons clap and cheer. It's a deal.
So the guy opens the gator's mouth. The gator closes its mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a bottle and smashes it to the gator's head, he opens the mouth and removes his genitals unharmed. Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: \`\` I'll pay $100 to anyone else who's willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the room. It's a woman.
\`\` I'll try." She says. "But you have to promise not to hit me with the beer bottle after the minute is up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxzs18/a_good_joke_for_the_guys/
%
Roses are red, and ready for plucking. Girls out of high school, are you ready for...

College

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxzpo1/roses_are_red_and_ready_for_plucking_girls_out_of/
%
I had a hen who could count her own eggs!

She was a mathemachicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxzp0a/i_had_a_hen_who_could_count_her_own_eggs/
%
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

It was impossible to differentiate between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxzoe5/i_failed_my_calculus_exam_because_i_was_seated/
%
3 sailors get stranded on an island and get captured by a cannibal gang

The sailors plead with the king to spare their lives so the king strikes a deal. He says:
“Each if you have to go in the forest and get three of the same fruit”
So the sailors go into the forest. The first sailor comes back with 3 kiwis. The king then tells him:
“Now stick all three up your ass and if you make a sound you lose your life!”
The sailor does as he’s told and as he puts the second kiwi in he screams in agony. So he loses his life.
The second sailor comes back with three grapes and the king tells him the same thing. So the second sailor starts putting the grapes up his ass and as he is about to put the third grape in he suddenly he starts laughing hysterically. The king asks:
“What happened, you were doing so well!”
The second sailor replies:
“I’m sorry but I just saw the third guy walk out of the forest with 3 pineapples!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxzlcj/3_sailors_get_stranded_on_an_island_and_get/
%
I personally think vacuums are terrible at cleaning

I don’t really have a reason, they just suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxze0q/i_personally_think_vacuums_are_terrible_at/
%
Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxzbke/today_i_was_at_the_bookstore_as_i_was_wandering/
%
Roses are Red,

What are those in the trees,
Oh god no,
It’s the Vietnamese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxzbhf/roses_are_red/
%
Having gay parents must be horrible.

I mean you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxzb8r/having_gay_parents_must_be_horrible/
%
A rich and a poor man are shopping for christmas presents for their wives:

The poor man asks the rich man,"What are you going to get your wife for christmas?"  The rich man replies," a diamond necklace and a sports car." The poor man asked,"Why get two presents?" To which the rich man answers, "If she doesn't like the necklace then she can drive to the jewler and exchange them for something else." The poor man nods.
The rich man then asks him, "So what are you getting your wife?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A silver earings  and a dildo." The rich man, disgusted and confused, asks him , "Why those two things?"
The poor man responds, "Well If she doesn't like the earrings then she can go f\*ck herself."
Heard this joke from a friend so I don't know if its original or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxzapg/a_rich_and_a_poor_man_are_shopping_for_christmas/
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What do you call a duck in a dark alleyway?

A quack dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxz9g1/what_do_you_call_a_duck_in_a_dark_alleyway/
%
Three guys are sitting around the campfire...

...exchanging their worst experiences. The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."
"Yeah? What happened next?" asks his friend.
"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."
The other guy says, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"
He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain. . ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxz5a6/three_guys_are_sitting_around_the_campfire/
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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words

"another repost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxz3wn/a_guy_joins_a_monastery_and_takes_a_vow_of/
%
My paralyzed girlfriend asked me to eat her out...

I told her I don’t eat vegetables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxz3dc/my_paralyzed_girlfriend_asked_me_to_eat_her_out/
%
I used to know a guy who did circumcisions

The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxyq1q/i_used_to_know_a_guy_who_did_circumcisions/
%
I'm sexually attracted to the rain.

It just makes me so wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxyoct/im_sexually_attracted_to_the_rain/
%
My mom just called her boyfriend an Alpha

She goes on to say - "That would make me the Beta half"
She never laughed so hard in her life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxynkt/my_mom_just_called_her_boyfriend_an_alpha/
%
A proctologist walks into a bar...

Before he sits down to order a drink, he examines the stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxyndi/a_proctologist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What trait do autistic people and leprechauns share?

They're both on the spectrum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxyln8/what_trait_do_autistic_people_and_leprechauns/
%
Just bought a set of dice but all the 2s, 4s and 6s have been blanked out.

They're very odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxyjra/just_bought_a_set_of_dice_but_all_the_2s_4s_and/
%
I don't like computer science jokes...

Not one bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxy6zu/i_dont_like_computer_science_jokes/
%
An old man was sitting on a train...

across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was going commando
She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.
"It's all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss. The old man was completely astounded and asked what else it could do.
"I can also make it wink," she replied.
The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.
"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, he stammered, "You- you're kidding me, you mean it can whistle, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxy35v/an_old_man_was_sitting_on_a_train/
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A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam

She passed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxxzsh/a_student_had_a_heart_attack_when_she_saw_the/
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I've heard a lot about how important 'the wheel' was for civilization

But I think it's time to recognize 'the shovel' for being the ground-breaking invention that it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxxzbw/ive_heard_a_lot_about_how_important_the_wheel_was/
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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwith of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxxxtb/a_sperm_cell_contains_about_375_mb_of_information/
%
I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for

I never get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxxwl6/i_keep_asking_what_lgbtq_stands_for/
%
Chicken sitting on the edge of a bed...

...smoking a cigarette, content. Egg laying on the bed looking frustrated. The egg says well... I guess that answers THAT question!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxxvvk/chicken_sitting_on_the_edge_of_a_bed/
%
I'm 40 and unmarried

When I mentioned this to my father, he said "Oh I'm sure you'll get married someday". NO man deserves to be happy ALL their life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxxvsf/im_40_and_unmarried/
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Teddy Bears

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds  of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children. She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxxpm7/teddy_bears/
%
What is a porn stars favourite drink?

7-up in cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxxoqj/what_is_a_porn_stars_favourite_drink/
%
How can you tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is? 🌶

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxxnu2/how_can_you_tell_how_heavy_a_red_hot_chili_pepper/
%
Why are gay men always the first to the airport?

Because they get their shit packed the night before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxxlwe/why_are_gay_men_always_the_first_to_the_airport/
%
What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl?

You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxxkag/whats_the_difference_between_a_tuna_a_piano_and/
%
What do you call 1000 couples having an orgy?

A metric fuck ton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxxi33/what_do_you_call_1000_couples_having_an_orgy/
%
Dr : we had to remove your colon

me why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxxbgm/dr_we_had_to_remove_your_colon/
%
What's in a name

I found out the other day that my friend Karen had a name change when she was younger, it blew my mind and I couldn't help but share that tidbit with everyone I knew.
She pulled me aside today and asked me to stop sharing her secret with everyone.
Honestly I just can't help it, Sharon is Karen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxx4ij/whats_in_a_name/
%
Why can't the bicycle stand on it's own?

Because it's two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxx3nh/why_cant_the_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
%
Read about a small accident involving young children digging up shiny rocks...

It was a minor miner, minor catastrophe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxx2vi/read_about_a_small_accident_involving_young/
%
My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxx2tq/my_doctor_said_i_should_exercise_on_top_of_a/
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A bear walks in to a bar

"I'd like a whisky and...............coke"
Bartender "why the big pause?"
Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxx18i/a_bear_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
What do you call a rental car in Spain?

A Barceloaner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxwz3t/what_do_you_call_a_rental_car_in_spain/
%
What do we want?!

NOW!
When do we want it?!
LINEAR STORYTELLING!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxwvrk/what_do_we_want/
%
I don't know how anyone can take Putin critics seriously, with how stupid they are.

Keep in mind that these are the same people who habitually trip and fall backwards onto bullets and lock themselves in suitcases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxwv8n/i_dont_know_how_anyone_can_take_putin_critics/
%
What do you call a sinful Christian?

A Thotestant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxwu29/what_do_you_call_a_sinful_christian/
%
Orgasms are like opinions.

Mine is more important and I don't care if she has one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxwodn/orgasms_are_like_opinions/
%
How do youtubers get in swimming pools?

They just *jump into it*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxwgka/how_do_youtubers_get_in_swimming_pools/
%
Out of all the subreddits I’ve been to, the one thing I can say about r/jokes is that

It is one of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxwfni/out_of_all_the_subreddits_ive_been_to_the_one/
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Daddy, what’s a fucking whore?

Employed, son. Employed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxwfmn/daddy_whats_a_fucking_whore/
%
My bald friend still carries his old comb with him.

He just can’t part with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxwc1d/my_bald_friend_still_carries_his_old_comb_with_him/
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A Jewish man once sent his child to Jerusalem.

To his surprise, the child came back converted to christianism.
He complained about it to his friend, who told him, in shock :
\- You know what, that's weird ! The exact same thing happened to me !
Seeking answers, they went to see the local rabbi.
\- Rabbi, we sent our sons to Jerusalem and they came back Christians. Do you know why that is ?
\- You know what, that's weird ! The exact same thing happened to me !
Intrigued, the three men discussed the subject but, finding no answer, turned to prayer.
\- O God, we sent our sons to Jerusalem and the three of them came back Christians. Why ? Did we do something wrong ?
And God answered :
\- You know what, that's weird...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxwazv/a_jewish_man_once_sent_his_child_to_jerusalem/
%
Back in the day there were two Preachers. (Long)

Back in the 1950s there were two Preachers who lived at opposite ends of an old town in southern Georgia.
One of the preachers, and older and seasoned in his days of scripture, belonged to a Southern Baptist Church. The other, who was simply starting his career in the teachings of the word of God, was preaching at the Protestant church.
Back then, churches did not make a lot of money and therefore did not have much to pay their preachers with. Because of this, it was not uncommon that the preachers would be seen riding their bicycles through the town as they could not afford a car of their own.
When the young preacher had moved to town, the older preacher had welcomed him with a warm welcoming and they established a friendship.
The two would periodically meet down by the river that separates the northern and southern half’s of the town, to discuss their theological differences.
On one particular day the older preacher sat by the river, contemplating Gods existence and why the meaning of life could be. He had been waiting for a longer period of time than usual, awaiting the company of the younger preacher.
Eventually he hears a noise, and as he turns around he sees the young preacher huffing and puffing on his way to their meeting spot.
The older preacher calls out to him, “Well there you are, I didn’t think you’d make it today.”
“Sorry, Father”, replied the younger preacher. “I had to walk all the way here, and this summer heat is like Hell on Earth.”
The older preacher laughed, “Why did you walk, where is your bike?”
“I think someone may have stolen it Father,” replied the young preacher.
“Well, God Almighty, do you have any clue who it could of been?”, the older preacher asked earnestly.
“I haven’t the slightest clue, and I don’t have the cash to get another right now,” replied the young preacher.
“Well I think I might have an idea on how you can get that bike of yours back,” said the older preacher with a slight grin on his face.
“How do you reckon?” replied the young preacher.
“Well,” the older preacher began, “this Sunday you get on up there and you preach about eternal damnation. I mean you lay it on thick, make them feel that fire and smell that brimstone. You preach harder than you ever have about Hell, and you tell them the horrors. Then, you go over His 10 Commandments. And I’ll bet once you start down that list, once you get to Thou Shalt not Steal the perpetrator will confess and deliver you what is yours.”
“That’s not a bad idea Father, but do you think that would really work?” asked the young preacher.
“I don’t see why not, knowing the folks down here. Even if you don’t get a confession, I bet that bike of yours will show up miraculously,” replied the older preacher.
“You’re right! I will do as you suggest Father, I will try that out,” replied the young preacher.
A single week later, and it’s the young Preacher who is waiting for the seasoned Preacher by the river.
“Ah, I see you have recovered your bicycle. So what I told you worked?” shouted the older preacher as he walked up to the riverside.
“Well,” the young preacher started, “not exactly.”
“How do you mean?” the older preacher asked with a confused look on his face.
“Well, Father, I did the whole eternal damnation spiel and really had them burning in their seats. I mean really they were sweating, and it wasn’t just from the summer heat. I was laying it on thick, really bringing the fire and brimstone to life. After that I moved onto the 10 commandments just as you told me...but right when I got the Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery I remembered where I left my bike.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxw3ug/back_in_the_day_there_were_two_preachers_long/
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How do you milk a ghost?

Squeeze their BoOoOoOoOoOoOobs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxw1h3/how_do_you_milk_a_ghost/
%
My daughter entered a toddler's beauty pageant in the south.

She won the Miss Sippy Cup!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxvzep/my_daughter_entered_a_toddlers_beauty_pageant_in/
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I baked a dog shaped dough in a local baking competition

It was pure-bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxvyuy/i_baked_a_dog_shaped_dough_in_a_local_baking/
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I tried to teach my dog to heel.

But it just kept bringing me shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxvym8/i_tried_to_teach_my_dog_to_heel/
%
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxvslt/what_kind_of_shorts_do_clouds_wear/
%
I can never spell the word Armagedden.

But whatever, it's not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxvkhu/i_can_never_spell_the_word_armagedden/
%
What do you call a body builder with Parkinson’s?

A protein shake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxvigt/what_do_you_call_a_body_builder_with_parkinsons/
%
A Duck walks into a pharmacy.

He tells the pharmacist “I’d like to buy a box of Chapstick.”.
The pharmacist replies, “OK, how would you like to pay for this?”
The duck says “Put it on my bill.”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxvidp/a_duck_walks_into_a_pharmacy/
%
Why did the cow jump up and down

To make a milkshake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxvhnp/why_did_the_cow_jump_up_and_down/
%
When a pregnant woman takes a bath

She’s become a human submarine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxvamo/when_a_pregnant_woman_takes_a_bath/
%
Constipated Construction Worker

“A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, and the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him to the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxvalb/constipated_construction_worker/
%
A man goes to a singles bar...

An attractive woman is sat at the bar. In front of her are 20 shots of clear alcohol and 20 shots of a golden brown alcohol.
She looks up gently shakes her hair in a sexy gesture and says "Okay cowboy, I'll drink the clear shots, you drink the brown ones" To which the man responds " I don't weally know, it may be whisky"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxv76p/a_man_goes_to_a_singles_bar/
%
Did you hear about that soldier with an STD?

He had a dishonourable discharge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxv6g4/did_you_hear_about_that_soldier_with_an_std/
%
A dung beetle goes into a bar

He pulls up a stool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxv5vp/a_dung_beetle_goes_into_a_bar/
%
How does fish get high ?

Seaweed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxv5kx/how_does_fish_get_high/
%
If Eminem had the infinity gaulent....

He could actually snap back into reality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxv36c/if_eminem_had_the_infinity_gaulent/
%
Drunk

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxv2vi/drunk/
%
As a short, stalky and bald man, I have a swimmers body

In my freezer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxv2g2/as_a_short_stalky_and_bald_man_i_have_a_swimmers/
%
I saw a magic dog out in the streets...

When I asked him his breed he told me that he was a labracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxv1hx/i_saw_a_magic_dog_out_in_the_streets/
%
You can tell a jihadi about the 72 virgins, but ultimately....

He has to C4 himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxv1g2/you_can_tell_a_jihadi_about_the_72_virgins_but/
%
Roses are red, Violets are blue,

I'm no longer a poet,
I got fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxv0vv/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
What do you call smoking weed on the subway?

A hot boxcar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxutoo/what_do_you_call_smoking_weed_on_the_subway/
%
"Have you heard that Jim died in a school shooting?"

"What? I thought he was home-schooled."
"His father shot him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxuqil/have_you_heard_that_jim_died_in_a_school_shooting/
%
What’s E.T short for?

Because he’s got little legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxuol3/whats_et_short_for/
%
The Pope and Colonel Sanders of KFC are having a conversation about the change to the Lord's Prayer.

"Your Holiness," Sanders began. "You must make another change. Instead of give us today our daily bread, make it give us today our daily chicken."
"I cannot change these words!" The Pope was astounded. "They are ingrained in our very heritage!"
They negotiated until the Colonel finaly said, "Look. A **half-billion dollars** will go to the church, right now, if you change those words, and make it 'our daily chicken'."
The Pope could not see any way of saying no, and reluctantly agreed to the offer. He returned to the clergy chambers where fellow cardinals were waiting.
"I've got good news and bad news, gentlemen. The good news is we now have 500 million dollars to work on our churches."
"Wow! How could there be bad news?! What is it??"
"Well," he paused. "We lost the Wonderbread account."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxuo9e/the_pope_and_colonel_sanders_of_kfc_are_having_a/
%
My doctor asked if I was interested in a new procedure

which can help me grow taller. He told me it's noninvasive and relatively painless, so I decided to try it out.
I thought it was working for a while until I realized he was just pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxunlc/my_doctor_asked_if_i_was_interested_in_a_new/
%
A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.

"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!"
The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed - even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.
A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside. Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes. He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep.
"Gimme some whiskey!" roars the giant.
The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle. He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head.
"Can I... can I get you another?" asks the bartender.
The giant just shakes his head and says, "Naw, I can't stay for too long. Didn't you hear? Big Jake's comin'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxumd2/a_bartender_is_working_one_evening_when_a/
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Phrases of Affection

I'm from Tennessee. I have been sitting here thinking about words at the end of "love phrases". I'm thinking: "I love you, baby", "I miss you, bro", etc. Now sometimes, these don't work out for the people that you are speaking with when using these love phrases.
"I love you, bro" does not sit well with my mom.
"You rock, babe" gets a weird stare from my coworkers.
But sometimes, it lines up perfectly, even to the point where you get the amazing phrase of affection that has so many layers. This one is my favorite one to say to my wife:
"I love you, sis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxuet3/phrases_of_affection/
%
I went swimming today and took a leak in the deep end of the pool.

The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle at me so loud I almost fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxuak2/i_went_swimming_today_and_took_a_leak_in_the_deep/
%
A couple of blonde construction workers drove into a lumberyard.

One of them walked into the office and said,"We need some 4x2s"
The clerk said,"You mean 2x4s don't you?"
The man said "Let me go check," and went back to the truck.He soon returned and said "Yes,2x4s."
"Alright, how long do you need them?"
asked the clerk.
The man paused for a while and said"Let me go check."
He returned to the office and said,"A long time.Were building a house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxu40a/a_couple_of_blonde_construction_workers_drove/
%
Last words from Steve Jobs to Tim Cook

"When things start going south, when others try to change the way we make our products, when we are perceived as not innovating anymore...
you make a stand!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxu0cr/last_words_from_steve_jobs_to_tim_cook/
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My grandmother used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition coz we might be in their position one day.

So I started to laugh at Jeff Bezos everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxtxv7/my_grandmother_used_to_tell_me_not_to_laugh_at/
%
What did the penis say to the condom

Cover me im going in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxtu6z/what_did_the_penis_say_to_the_condom/
%
So a bat comes back to the bat cave...

...with his face completely covered in blood. All the other bats get super excited and ask him "where did you get all that blood?!! Finally a decent meal!", so he says "come with me, I'll show you!".
So they all super excitedly fly out of the bat cave, they turn left and fly off.
He flies them over the forest...
Over a small town...
Through the mountains...
Over another even larger forest...
Through an even LARGER town...
Over a river...
Over yet another forest...
Through the streets of a major town...
Over a bridge...
Over a stream...
Over another town...
Over a small forest...
Over a little village...
Through some more mountains...
Over another little village...
And into an even smaller forest...
He finally turns to the other bats, and says "you see that huge tree over there?"
"Yes?!" They all excitedly exclaim...
"Well, I didn't..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxtqlq/so_a_bat_comes_back_to_the_bat_cave/
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I am so ugly that I participated in "The Ugliest Person in the Word" contest.

No I did not win it. The judges wouldn't even look at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxtn4n/i_am_so_ugly_that_i_participated_in_the_ugliest/
%
A black boy and his mother are on an airplane

The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement.
"Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A's. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane."
The little boy starts getting up but his mother stops him. "We are not African Americans."
Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy. We must move to the B's. Will all blacks please jump out of the plane."
The boy starts getting up but his mom stops him again. "No son we are not black."
Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy, we must now move to the C's. Will all colored people please jump out the plane."
Again the boy starts getting up but his mom stops him. "No son were not colored."
"But mom, if we're not African American, black, or colored, what are we?"
"Son, today we're niggers and we sure as hell ain't jumping before the Mexicans!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxtmsx/a_black_boy_and_his_mother_are_on_an_airplane/
%
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna One, Anna Two...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxthyf/what_did_the_drummer_name_his_twin_daughters/
%
Someone broke into my house last night, looking for cash

I woke up and offered the burglar my assistance.
Despite our teamwork, we didn’t find any cash in my house at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxthec/someone_broke_into_my_house_last_night_looking/
%
Why is Medusa not invited to Pride?

Because she likes to Stone Gaze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxtax4/why_is_medusa_not_invited_to_pride/
%
Joke from my science teacher years ago...

Q: Why should you never wear Russian nuclear underwear?
A: because Chernob'll Fallout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxt56h/joke_from_my_science_teacher_years_ago/
%
I lost a drinking buddy to a tragic accident,

He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxt0ii/i_lost_a_drinking_buddy_to_a_tragic_accident/
%
My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxsxip/my_brother_who_has_a_stutter_is_in_prison/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxsutb/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxsrm7/instead_of_a_swear_jar_i_have_a_negativity_jar/
%
What part of a plant has the most friends?

The Bud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxsk56/what_part_of_a_plant_has_the_most_friends/
%
Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxsbu2/up_the_mountain_a_japanese_asked_the_wise_man/
%
If someone asks you to spell "part" backwards,

Don't do it. It's a trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxs8i0/if_someone_asks_you_to_spell_part_backwards/
%
Why can’t you hear rabbits having sex

Because they have cotton balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxs73c/why_cant_you_hear_rabbits_having_sex/
%
Called the RSPCA today.

"Hi, when I was walking through the park earlier I found three puppies in a suitcase"
"Were they moving sir?"
"Not sure, but that would probably explain the suitcase".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxs6cj/called_the_rspca_today/
%
Why can't Steven Hawking become a comedian?

Because he's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxs4lq/why_cant_steven_hawking_become_a_comedian/
%
Why do people give rotten food to Victor?

Because to the victor go the spoils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxs3st/why_do_people_give_rotten_food_to_victor/
%
NSFW What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing they're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxs1ir/nsfw_what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
A rabbi and two priests decide to go skinny dipping

After they get out of the water some girls come towards them. Being naked and without enough time to get dressed the priests cover their dicks with their hands and the rabbi covers his face.
After the girls pass them, one of the priests asks the rabbi. "Why didn't you cover your privates?Have you no shame?"
The rabbi answers "I don't know how you guys do it in your community but we recognize each other by face"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxrzt3/a_rabbi_and_two_priests_decide_to_go_skinny/
%
My lawn is chicken proof.

It's impeccable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxryw4/my_lawn_is_chicken_proof/
%
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?

Because all his grades are below C-level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxrypr/why_did_the_kid_pursue_scuba_diving/
%
Out of all the women, my girlfriend is the nicest one I've ever met.

Sometimes I'd prefer if she was a six or a seven, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxryob/out_of_all_the_women_my_girlfriend_is_the_nicest/
%
I am a proud antivax mom of five

All my five kids are healthy and they don't need that poison in their system!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxrr2p/i_am_a_proud_antivax_mom_of_five/
%
Apple's $999 Monitor Stand

^\(That's ^it. ^That's ^the ^joke.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxre7i/apples_999_monitor_stand/
%
Apple are making more money than me selling phones and computers.

It's time to make a stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxrcar/apple_are_making_more_money_than_me_selling/
%
An Astrologer and a Doctor are in a room

A patient walks in with high fever. The Astrologer asks for his star sign and date of birth while the doctor puts a rectal thermometer in his asshole.
The Astrologer acclaimed "Mercury is in Uranus!!"
Doctor looks towards the patient and says he's right. I broke the thermometer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxrb0h/an_astrologer_and_a_doctor_are_in_a_room/
%
I recently moved to a different country to live with my girlfriend

She thought she could get away, the fool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxrace/i_recently_moved_to_a_different_country_to_live/
%
Why did Napoleon stop masturbating?

He pulled his bonaparte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxr8gl/why_did_napoleon_stop_masturbating/
%
Imagine you're in a room full of crickets

*cricket noises*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxr83f/imagine_youre_in_a_room_full_of_crickets/
%
When you get a bladder infection...

Urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxr7yq/when_you_get_a_bladder_infection/
%
What do you call a green onion with mad rhyme skills?

A Rapscallion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxr6dj/what_do_you_call_a_green_onion_with_mad_rhyme/
%
How do you keep and idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxr41c/how_do_you_keep_and_idiot_in_suspense/
%
What do you call a virgin lying on a water bed?

A cherry float

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxr1px/what_do_you_call_a_virgin_lying_on_a_water_bed/
%
Why did the police officer smell?

Because he was on duty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxqzgf/why_did_the_police_officer_smell/
%
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday,

all he does is scream about wanting back in his wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxqwgo/bought_my_son_a_trampoline_for_his_birthday/
%
I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxqw5f/i_tried_to_kidnap_a_blacksmith_but_when_i_turned/
%
I’m homophobic

I’m scared of houses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxqucr/im_homophobic/
%
To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got above a certain score.
Everything goes smoothly and Fruit Ninja rents a huge outdoor space to host all of these different stations on the day of the event. The most popular one has to be the Katana Strawberry, with an estimated wait time of 2 hours. That is followed by the Tonfa Watermelon and the Spear Apple, with wait times lasting 1 hours and 30 minutes respectively.
Generally all of the stations are doing very well, but there's one where the crowd gathered appears to be more confused than anything. It's a green fruit but with no physical weapon in sight. Speculation spreads among the crowd, with theories ranging from "it's not one of the stations" to "somebody must have stolen the weapon".
However, one of the people in the crowd manages to pull over a Fruit Ninja employee to ask them what's going on.
The employee takes one look at the station and sighs, "I told them from the beginning that we should have ditched this idea or put up signs, because people are going to wonder about the lack of a weapon."
He continues, "Yeah, it's a really bad Punch Lime."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxqu4b/to_celebrate_their_10th_anniversary_fruit_ninja/
%
I have a soft drink fetish

when my girlfriend asked what i wanted to do tonight, i replied, “mount and dew me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxqnrh/i_have_a_soft_drink_fetish/
%
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college...

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.  However, I want you to appreciate it.  As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so it happened.  His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially.  When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn.  He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
*The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxql6d/a_man_spoke_to_each_of_his_3_sons_when_he_sent/
%
What did Santa give to his parents when they asked for a divorce?

He gave them semicolons; they are great for separating independent clauses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxqkyp/what_did_santa_give_to_his_parents_when_they/
%
Why did I have to pay extra money for a bag of water at the supermarket?

It was an ex-ice tax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxqkm9/why_did_i_have_to_pay_extra_money_for_a_bag_of/
%
I finally splurged and bought a business class ticket...

Worst decision ever. I didn't learn a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxqkiu/i_finally_splurged_and_bought_a_business_class/
%
It’s really unfair to compare Trump to Hitler

Hitler was a gifted public speaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxqkf1/its_really_unfair_to_compare_trump_to_hitler/
%
Our boss called our team over to talk us about sexual harassment

Turns out I’m pretty good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxqjp9/our_boss_called_our_team_over_to_talk_us_about/
%
I couldn’t sleep one night because I was wondering what happened to the sun after dark...

...then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxqj6v/i_couldnt_sleep_one_night_because_i_was_wondering/
%
Putin must be a great president, Russian journalists seem to really like him

They can't say bad things about him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxqbyn/putin_must_be_a_great_president_russian/
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Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was, so he jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Now just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!  Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.  Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.  Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxq71a/pecans_in_the_cemetery/
%
I just saw my first porno...

And damn I looked good back then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxpyoo/i_just_saw_my_first_porno/
%
What do you hear if you hold a hard hat up to your ear?

The sounds of OSHA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxpv32/what_do_you_hear_if_you_hold_a_hard_hat_up_to/
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Why was the Broom late for work?

Wakka Wakka U?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxprlo/why_was_the_broom_late_for_work/
%
What activity can reduce a person's chance of dying of cancer by 16.6%?

Russian Roulette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxpo8c/what_activity_can_reduce_a_persons_chance_of/
%
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxpnnl/a_guy_joins_a_monastery_and_takes_a_vow_of/
%
What does a conductor who got distracted say?

Dang it, I lost my train of thought!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxplw2/what_does_a_conductor_who_got_distracted_say/
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Adult riddles

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxpjfa/adult_riddles/
%
What is 50 Cent's name in Zimbabwe?

400 Billion Dollar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxphth/what_is_50_cents_name_in_zimbabwe/
%
A car

Therapist: So what brought you two here?
Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally?
Therapist: What about you?
Husband: A car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxpeq6/a_car/
%
What Comes After Death?

The Mortician if you're unlucky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxp8ee/what_comes_after_death/
%
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer

Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life. I've paid you good money for you to get me back what's rightly mine. What do you have for me?
Lawyer: Mickey I've reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don't have a good case against her. The main reason for this divorce as you said is because "she's crazy" . We have laws that protect spouses. You can't divorce someone and get everything back from them because of what you think are character flaws.
Mickey: I didn't say she was crazy!! I said she was fucking Goofy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxp4tb/mickey_mouse_steps_into_lawyers_office_to_review/
%
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxp366/i_believe_in_the_vagina_like_other_people_believe/
%
What’s Hitler’s least favorite drink?

Orange Jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxp2j5/whats_hitlers_least_favorite_drink/
%
My buddies and I where out for a night on the town.

We ended up at a high end bar with a dress code.All my buddies being the suave dudes they are where dressed accordingly with suits and ties but I alas was not. See you on the other side fucker they all yelled out as they went in laughing. Well there I was, out in the cold left out,abandoned.Not to be outdone I went to the car and rummaged through the trunk looking for anything I could use to get past the bouncers. Nothing but a set of jumper cables....Fuck it I gotta try.
I tie the cables around my neck as well as I can and go to the doors to present myself pleading to get in.
The bouncer looks me up and down and say's...OK ok you can go in....but don't start anything in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxp0v4/my_buddies_and_i_where_out_for_a_night_on_the_town/
%
What do you call something that is going to die 10 minutes after you see it for the first time?

Every mom in every Disney movie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxox53/what_do_you_call_something_that_is_going_to_die/
%
My sister in law is a nurse and she always has a red pen with her.

I asked her why and she laughed and said ...you never know when I  may have to draw blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxosw1/my_sister_in_law_is_a_nurse_and_she_always_has_a/
%
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Seven: One to do it, and six others saying "psh, I can do that better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxonr7/how_many_guitar_players_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
I went to a confession booth to confess my sins

Forgive me father for I have sinned, i have committed all 7 deadly sins in less than an hour.
Priest: Please elaborate.
Me: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate both of their dinners and didn't share any.
Priest: that's only 6, you forgot pride.
Me: No, I'm pretty proud of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxofjo/i_went_to_a_confession_booth_to_confess_my_sins/
%
My cousins are like the letter K.

They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxoc78/my_cousins_are_like_the_letter_k/
%
Dirty jokes time.Don't click if you are easily offended.

I asked my uncle how I could tell if a girl was into me?
He told me, Oh that's easy, when you have your hand down her pants...if it feels like your feeding a horse...she likes you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxo432/dirty_jokes_timedont_click_if_you_are_easily/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are out camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Suddenly, in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.
"Look up, Watson," Holmes says, "and tell me what you see."
"I see billions of stars," says Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?" says Holmes.
Watson thinks for a minute. "Well, Astrologically, I deduce that Saturn is in Capricorn.
Astronomically, that it is 3:00 am. Meteorologically, that tomorrow will be a beautiful day.
Theologically, that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant.
What do you deduce?"
Holmes sighs. "Watson, you idiot. I deduce that someone has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxo1es/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_go_camping/
%
The Stretcher

A man is blazing down a highway in a brand new Ferrari when after crossing a bridge he notices a cop behind him. He pulls over and the cop is about to write a hefty ticket until he approaches the car:
Cop - Dispatch, we have a grand theft auto. Please send backup
Driver - HEY OFFICER! I don't know what you think you're doing, but I assure you this is my vehicle, 100% bought and paid for!
Cop - Is that so? Tell me, what do you do for a living that you can afford to keep such a fine machine in such a state of disarray?
The Ferrari looks like a bad party the next morning, empty beer cans and booze bottles along side spent condoms and human filth
Driver - Well officer, not that its any of your FUCKING BUSINESS, but if you must know, I'm a stretcher.
Cop - Come again...?
Driver - People come to me and I start with one finger, then two, and eventually I have both of my hands DEEP inside their asshole.
Cop - ...
Driver - Then I start to stretch the asshole more and more until it's six feet wide.
Cop - And people PAY you for THIS?
Driver - Handsomely...
Cop - I don't get it, what would someone do with a six foot asshole?
Driver - Stick him at the end of a bridge and give him a radar gun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxny4b/the_stretcher/
%
Can you do boxing on your own?

Sure, knock yourself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxnte9/can_you_do_boxing_on_your_own/
%
how do you think the unthinkable?

with an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxnqwn/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Why is Gordon Ramsay so bad at revenge?

Because if he served it cold, it’d be fucking raw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxnp72/why_is_gordon_ramsay_so_bad_at_revenge/
%
Traffic lights and bananas are opposites.

A green light is go, yellow slow, and red stop. A green banana is wait, yellow go, and if it’s red, I’m not sure if you should touch it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxnoaa/traffic_lights_and_bananas_are_opposites/
%
Birth pain transfer machine

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxno4v/birth_pain_transfer_machine/
%
Two drunks are out hunting duck...

One shoots a flying duck and it falls dead at his feet. ‘You could have saved yourself a shot there,’ says the other. ‘From that height the fall alone would’ve killed it.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxng0o/two_drunks_are_out_hunting_duck/
%
Why are New Yorkers so angry all of the time?

Probably because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxnffz/why_are_new_yorkers_so_angry_all_of_the_time/
%
What kind of plant hurts?

A face plant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxnb3n/what_kind_of_plant_hurts/
%
What's a KKK member's favourite coffee?

Dark Roast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxnb0n/whats_a_kkk_members_favourite_coffee/
%
Hear me out, Hitler wasn't such a bad guy...

I mean, he killed Hitler after all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxna5v/hear_me_out_hitler_wasnt_such_a_bad_guy/
%
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxn85t/my_18_carat_gold_butt_plug_business_was_sued_by/
%
I think it’s time to manscape.

My wife just called me “Sascrotch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxn7qk/i_think_its_time_to_manscape/
%
If the human population held hands around the equator...

A significant portion of them would drown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxn2qf/if_the_human_population_held_hands_around_the/
%
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means that their owner has fallen and is in need of help

Follow the dog, and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxn0ld/if_a_service_dog_without_a_person_approaches_you/
%
How many Trump supporters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I’m not sure, but they haven’t even bought the bulb yet.  Guess they’re still waiting for the Mexicans to pay for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxmx7q/how_many_trump_supporters_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? "
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxmvcq/a_skinny_little_white_guy_walks_into_an_elevator/
%
I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxmr8d/i_pissed_off_two_people_today_by_calling_them/
%
Nancy Pelosi said if she was married to Donald Trump she’d poison his coffee,

Donald Trump said if he was married to her he’d drink it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxmqux/nancy_pelosi_said_if_she_was_married_to_donald/
%
What Disney character can count the highest?

Buzz Lightyear, to infinity and beyond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxmpya/what_disney_character_can_count_the_highest/
%
Science!

What do you call Neil deGrasse Tyson pouring champagne all over his naked chest? An *astro-fizzy-tits*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxmnlz/science/
%
Why are there no electric cars in Africa?

Because of madaGASCAR 🇲🇬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxmjox/why_are_there_no_electric_cars_in_africa/
%
NSFW

What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute
One says cockadoodledoo the other says
Anycockwilldo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxmidw/nsfw/
%
I tried to print a Phishing email

Now my printer wont stop jamming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxmh07/i_tried_to_print_a_phishing_email/
%
Going to start naming my penis England

Because it can only achieve a semi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxmfe2/going_to_start_naming_my_penis_england/
%
I’m not homophobic

I just think gay men are fucking arseholes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxmf5e/im_not_homophobic/
%
A few days ago Apple introduced the new Mac Pro with up to 1.5 TB of RAM...

I can finally use Google Chrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxmea0/a_few_days_ago_apple_introduced_the_new_mac_pro/
%
I dreamt that I invented a new color last night

Turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxme9r/i_dreamt_that_i_invented_a_new_color_last_night/
%
If I had a piece of bread for every gender

I could make one sandwich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxm9q6/if_i_had_a_piece_of_bread_for_every_gender/
%
I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car.

It's great. I can just barely hear my kids now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxm7xr/i_finally_got_one_of_those_roof_boxes_for_the_car/
%
Damn you, son

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxm6bm/damn_you_son/
%
I've always wanted to visit the Grand Canyon

I hear it is just gorges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxm4ot/ive_always_wanted_to_visit_the_grand_canyon/
%
I deleted all the German people I know from my phone

Now it’s Hans-Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxlzgd/i_deleted_all_the_german_people_i_know_from_my/
%
How do you spot the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxlyzf/how_do_you_spot_the_difference_between_an/
%
What's something yellow that you definitely shouldn't drink?

A school bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxlvl4/whats_something_yellow_that_you_definitely/
%
What do you call a gay sofa?

A homo-sectional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxlum3/what_do_you_call_a_gay_sofa/
%
What does tupperware and a walrus have in common?

Both are looking for a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxltcx/what_does_tupperware_and_a_walrus_have_in_common/
%
Why doesn’t Aldi have its own brand of nuts?

They could call it Aldi’s nuts.
Ha got emm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxlsn5/why_doesnt_aldi_have_its_own_brand_of_nuts/
%
If I bring you breakfast to bed, say thank you ...

... not: "Who are you and what are you doing in my house?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxlm5v/if_i_bring_you_breakfast_to_bed_say_thank_you/
%
Have you heard of the depressed plumber?

He’s really been going through some shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxlkcq/have_you_heard_of_the_depressed_plumber/
%
What did the monogamist say to the polygamist?

You can't have your Kate, and Edith too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxlk4s/what_did_the_monogamist_say_to_the_polygamist/
%
Why shouldn't you wear Ukrainian Speedos?

Chernobyl fallout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxlg7s/why_shouldnt_you_wear_ukrainian_speedos/
%
Rich people can have 5 cups of wine at lunch and they're all good

But when I get vodka for lunch, I'm "fired" and a "bad example for the students"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxlfkt/rich_people_can_have_5_cups_of_wine_at_lunch_and/
%
The day I read the study that says drinking coffee will kill me is the day I stop

reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxl9zb/the_day_i_read_the_study_that_says_drinking/
%
V

*edit: seems like the crtl key on my keyboard isnt working

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxl99p/v/
%
Doctor: The results of your bold test have finally come in.

Me: You mean blood test?
The doctor double-checks the results.
Doctor: Hm. Must be a Type-O then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxl8zt/doctor_the_results_of_your_bold_test_have_finally/
%
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one.

Break their bone, they have 206.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxl8uk/dont_break_anybodys_heart_they_have_only_one/
%
What do you call a french person wearing sandals

Philippe Philoppe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxkyxt/what_do_you_call_a_french_person_wearing_sandals/
%
My boyfriend broke up with me because I stole his wheelchair

But I knew he'd come crawling to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxkrrg/my_boyfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_stole_his/
%
My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26.

He still doesn't know y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxkixa/my_sons_kindergarten_teacher_is_such_a_hardass/
%
That damn bacteria!

Today I went to the children's daycare for my first day of work there.
When I walked in a kid asked if he could have an apple for snack time.
I responded yes and proceeded to prepare an apple for him.
To make sure to rid the apple of any harmful bacteria, I whipped out my nifty hand sanitizer because it kills 99.9% of bacteria.
When the kid took a bite it sure killed alright. That poor kid's parents were not happy.
That damn 0.1% of bacteria killed the poor kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxki56/that_damn_bacteria/
%
I asked my North Korean friend if life was good in North Korea.

He said: “I can’t complain.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxkhvu/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_if_life_was_good/
%
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work!!
#dadjokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxkdtz/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
%
One day there were two boys playing by a stream.

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys  saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why  his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the  bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in  the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first  boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his  friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy  said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would  turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxkb5t/one_day_there_were_two_boys_playing_by_a_stream/
%
I absolutely despise loud music

It's going to be the deaf of me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxkan2/i_absolutely_despise_loud_music/
%
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

Jane ate her friend's lunch.
Jane ate her friend's colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxk8p4/a_colon_can_completely_change_the_meaning_of_a/
%
Kanye sold ugly shoes for $500 , no ones gonna top that!

Apple: hold my monitor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxk81v/kanye_sold_ugly_shoes_for_500_no_ones_gonna_top/
%
Studies show the average worker is productive for 2 hours in an 8 hour work day...

...I totally disagree, because it’s hard work trying to not get caught doing nothing by your boss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxk7ov/studies_show_the_average_worker_is_productive_for/
%
Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't  wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went  to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I  entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so  special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her  apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the  bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with  a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my  colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa...  naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxk7lw/why_did_i_get_divorced/
%
Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.
Man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot it.
Doctor: I'm glad you understood the story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxk5rb/man_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_i_always_wear_a/
%
There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join.

But enough about the church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxk4o4/theres_a_gang_in_my_area_who_recruit_new_members/
%
Why didn't the Mex1can go bow hunting?

Because he didn't habanero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxjza5/why_didnt_the_mex1can_go_bow_hunting/
%
A man was walking on a beach when he saw a woman with no arms or legs crying. He asked what was wrong. She said:

"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged."
He hugged her and kept walking. A few minuted later, he sees her crying again. He asked what was wrong now; She said:
"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed."
He kissed her and kept walking. A few minutes later, he saw her crying yet again, and again, he asked what was wrong. She said:
"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been fucked."
He picked her up, threw her in the ocean, and said
"Well you're fucked now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxjybv/a_man_was_walking_on_a_beach_when_he_saw_a_woman/
%
What genre would a Minecraft Movie be?

A Block-buster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxjwjy/what_genre_would_a_minecraft_movie_be/
%
[NSFW] I walked in on my sister the other day

I walked in on my sister masturbating with a carrot the other day, and I said,” Fuck you’re disgusting. I was gonna eat that later, and now it’s just gonna taste like carrots.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxjvgi/nsfw_i_walked_in_on_my_sister_the_other_day/
%
Went to the doctor because of a pimple on my d*ck

The doctor said:
\- You will need to stop masturbating!
"But why, doctor?"
She responded:
\- Just so I can inspect your pimple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxjsd1/went_to_the_doctor_because_of_a_pimple_on_my_dck/
%
The absolutely love the smell of my F5 key

It's truly refreshing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxjrsq/the_absolutely_love_the_smell_of_my_f5_key/
%
I like my women how I like my Whisky

Sweet
But lukewarm and stored in a barrel for ten years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxjrfz/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_whisky/
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Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don’t want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxjqr2/why_dont_vegetarians_moan_during_sex/
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A teacher asks the kids

In her third grade class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Aaron says, “I want to start out as the world’s best fighter pilot then be a billionaire and go to all the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Cocacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an infinite Visa Card, and all the while, banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do about this horrible response from little Aaron,  decides to simply not acknowledge the response from Aaron and continue the lesson.
“Sally. What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“I want to be Aaron’s whore.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxjnpn/a_teacher_asks_the_kids/
%
- Can I have a kilo of salmon please?

- Here we go, it is $25.
- Can I have a plastic bag?
- It is inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxji5n/can_i_have_a_kilo_of_salmon_please/
%
A couple of trees were shopping for a car...

They bought a two-cedar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxjfum/a_couple_of_trees_were_shopping_for_a_car/
%
These jokes about apple are getting old really quickly.

Punch line: $999

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxjelg/these_jokes_about_apple_are_getting_old_really/
%
Daughter

I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday.
"I want  unicorns, rainbows and fairies," she giggled.
Ok, LSD it is then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxjdns/daughter/
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How can you tell if it is a male or female chromosome?

You pull down its genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxjak8/how_can_you_tell_if_it_is_a_male_or_female/
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Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.
But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxj9na/two_old_men_abe_and_sol_sit_on_a_park_bench/
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They say once you stop one addiction you trade it for another.

So I stopped chugging beer and started sipping whiskey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxj8xe/they_say_once_you_stop_one_addiction_you_trade_it/
%
How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

If he's coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxj6bu/how_can_you_tell_if_a_vampire_is_sick/
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Hey Android guys ! Wanna hear a joke about privacy ?

You won’t get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxj5r8/hey_android_guys_wanna_hear_a_joke_about_privacy/
%
What’s as big as a house, burns 20 litres of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples in 4 pieces (Laughs in Russian)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxj4fb/whats_as_big_as_a_house_burns_20_litres_of_fuel/
%
Two fish are in a tank

One says to another:
“How the fuck do we drive this thing?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxj3oy/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
My friend asked why I have a giant gong in my apartment's living room. I told him it's just my clock.

He gave me a confused look, so I replied "here, I'll show you", and hit the gong really hard. It reverberated loudly throughout the apartment. Then we heard a voice through the wall: "You asshole!! It's 3AM!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxj0hg/my_friend_asked_why_i_have_a_giant_gong_in_my/
%
A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.
"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."
Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well...," said the boy, "I know the answer must be Jesus... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxiy3e/a_pastor_was_giving_the_childrens_message_during/
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer

I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been trippin all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxiu3w/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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Everyone always says masturbation would never help me in life

But for me it really comes in handy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxitnm/everyone_always_says_masturbation_would_never/
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I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.
"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxiq03/i_dropped_the_soap_in_the_prison_shower_today/
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Damn girl, Are you opposite over hypotenuse

because you make me want to sin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxioxk/damn_girl_are_you_opposite_over_hypotenuse/
%
So how does the American school system work?

Do you get grades and stuff or do you just pass if you survive until you're 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxincg/so_how_does_the_american_school_system_work/
%
Knock Knock

Who’s there? Nobody. Nobody who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bximx7/knock_knock/
%
My wife asked me why I speak so softly while I’m at home...

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerburg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxim4h/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_speak_so_softly_while_im/
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Dr: I have to remove your colon...

Me why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxigvh/dr_i_have_to_remove_your_colon/
%
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxifoj/how_do_you_get_a_lawyer_out_of_a_tree/
%
What does a subatomic duck say?

Quark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxidlg/what_does_a_subatomic_duck_say/
%
What’s the difference between Biggie Smalls and Charlie Chaplin?

One rocks the mic while the other mocks the Reich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxibnz/whats_the_difference_between_biggie_smalls_and/
%
There was an explosion at a French cheese factory earlier today

Officials say theres nothing but de brie left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxi9zp/there_was_an_explosion_at_a_french_cheese_factory/
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How was sex in the elevator?

Disappointing on all levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxi90r/how_was_sex_in_the_elevator/
%
There's a new prisoner and he was assigned to a cell. On the way to his cell...

he heard one prisoner said "110" and the other prisoners laugh really hard.
Then one more prisoner said "93" and the prisoners laughs again.
When he arrived at his cell, out of curiosity he asked his cell mate why the other prisoners said numbers then everybody laugh?
His cell mate explained that the prisoners have heard a lot of jokes over and over again, they decided to number it to make telling it really easy.
Just after that, this new guy shouted loudly "153". The whole cell block laughs really hard, even some of them laughs until tears come down from their eyes.
His cell mate replied "Hilarious mate! We've never heard of that one before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxi6ky/theres_a_new_prisoner_and_he_was_assigned_to_a/
%
Guess how many fucks I could give about the burnt down cathedral in Paris

Notre Dame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxi5tf/guess_how_many_fucks_i_could_give_about_the_burnt/
%
Two guys walk into a bar....

The third ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxi4v9/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A duck walks into a pharmacy...

He's waddles up to the counter and asks for a Chap Stick. The pharmacist gives the duck the Chap Stick and says, "That will be two dollars."
The duck replies "That's okay, just put it on my bill."
A few hours later, another duck walks into the same pharmacy, (it's right near the park.) He waddles up to the counter and asks for a pack of condoms. The pharmacist hands him the condoms and says, "Want me to put that on your bill?"
The duck gets offended and says "Hey! I'm not that kind of duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxi4gw/a_duck_walks_into_a_pharmacy/
%
Why do male, Mexicans get better jobs out of college?

Because they can apply for señor positions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxi0a4/why_do_male_mexicans_get_better_jobs_out_of/
%
I asked my local Walmart where they kept their Terminator DVDs.

"Aisle B, back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxi02e/i_asked_my_local_walmart_where_they_kept_their/
%
Imagine if Apple sold apples?

The price would make me go bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxhyud/imagine_if_apple_sold_apples/
%
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?

A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxhthf/what_kind_of_concert_only_costs_45_cents/
%
A Mexican, a Jewish person, an African and a bigot walk into a bar and find a magic genie.

Genie offers each of them a wish.
The Mexican wishes all of his relatives and friends and native Mexican people would see Mexico flourish under a booming economy and the land would be more beautiful than ever and that he was in Mexico with them as they enter a golden age. The Jewish person says “I wish I was in Israel and that the nation of Israel would be protected from Palestinians and that the Jewish people would live the rest of their time in the promised land”
The African says “I wish the African culture would be free from people exploiting the land and the colonizers pillaging Africa for its rare minerals, that all the wealth would return to Africa, that all the white South African farmers would leave and return our land and that we could leave in peace to be left alone to manage our own freedoms.
The bigot says... so let me get this straight... all the Mexicans are in Mexico, all the Jewish people are in Israel and all the blacks people are in Africa?
The genie says yes, now what’s your wish?
“I’ll have a Diet Coke”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxhsum/a_mexican_a_jewish_person_an_african_and_a_bigot/
%
Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxhl64/apple_really_is_the_most_futuristic_company_out/
%
What is your birthstone?

Mine is rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxhkzb/what_is_your_birthstone/
%
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.

So scared I almost fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxhkr7/went_swimming_today_took_a_pee_in_the_deep_end/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

And a table and a chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxhju8/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I signed up for "Hide and Seek" championship

I forgot all about it, I won first prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxhj11/i_signed_up_for_hide_and_seek_championship/
%
What do you call a witch who eats sand?

Malnourished

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxhe9r/what_do_you_call_a_witch_who_eats_sand/
%
A baby chick tells it's mom, "Mom I think I'm a penguin.."

"There's no way you're a penguin, you're without a doubt a baby chicken" she responds.
He insisted, "No mom, I really think I'm a penguin and I don't want to live in this farm anymore, I wanna live with my fellow penguins!"
She said "alright fine, you have an aunt that lives in Antarctica so I'll send you with her for a few days and you can meet some penguins and decide for yourself."
So the baby chick went off to visit his aunt and when he arrives he sees a group of penguins and so he waddles over there to talk to them.
The chick says, "Foo foo, foo foo, foo foo."
The penguins look over and start thinking, "what is wrong with this guy, us penguins dont sound like that at all... Foo foo?"
The chick continues, "Foo foo, foo fu, fu fuuuuuckk its so cold !!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxhe0j/a_baby_chick_tells_its_mom_mom_i_think_im_a/
%
What do you call a high lizard?

Mariguana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxh7z8/what_do_you_call_a_high_lizard/
%
I don’t understand why we have to clean the oceans...

...won’t it just wash off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxh4uo/i_dont_understand_why_we_have_to_clean_the_oceans/
%
A little boy to his father: "Daddy, how did I actually come into the world?" Daddy replies: "Alright my son, at some point we have to to this talking, so watch out:

Daddy got to know mommy in a "chat room." Later, daddy and mommy met in a "cyber cafe" and on the toilet, mommy wanted to do a few "downloads" of daddy's "Joy Stick". When daddy was then ready for the "upload", we suddenly realized that we had no "firewall" installed and it was already too late to press "Cancel" or "Escape" and we already turned off the confirmation message: "Do you really want to upload?" in the "Options" under "Settings". Mommy's "virus scanner" has not been updated for some time and didn't know much about daddy's "blaster-worm." So we pressed the "Enter" key and mommy got the message: "Estimated download time 9 months!"
That's how you tell your children the story of the delivery Stork nowadays!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxh4jr/a_little_boy_to_his_father_daddy_how_did_i/
%
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level.

The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week, in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;
I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I barely avoided stepping on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.
I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered, so I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"
"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really a bad golfer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxh3i7/during_her_physical_examination_a_doctor_asked_a/
%
When does joker not plot crimes?

When he's riding his Harley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxh2tl/when_does_joker_not_plot_crimes/
%
My Son, Luke, Loves How I Name My Kids After Star Wars Characters

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxgy4i/my_son_luke_loves_how_i_name_my_kids_after_star/
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Jell-o has officially cut all ties with Bill Cosby.

They said the proof was in the pudding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxgwp8/jello_has_officially_cut_all_ties_with_bill_cosby/
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I tried expressing my opinion on the internet

I regReddit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxgsno/i_tried_expressing_my_opinion_on_the_internet/
%
Polish girl at gynecologist

A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups.
The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a checkup?"
"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxgskc/polish_girl_at_gynecologist/
%
A Miami man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Miami.”
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Miami man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine.
“No problem…just like Miami in June,” the man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Miami man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.
“No problem. Just like Miami in July,” the man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.
He says, “No problem. Just like Miami in August.”
Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.
When he goes back now to see how the Miami man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on. To which the Miami man replies…..
“THE MARLINS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”
“THE MARLINS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxgmya/a_miami_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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John is going golfing with a friend.

On a road next to the fourteenth hole, a funeral procession goes by. John takes off his hat and bows his head until the procession leaves.
“Wow”, his friend said, “That was beautiful. You truly are a respectful man.”
“Yeah, well...” John replies, we were married for 20 years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxgjaf/john_is_going_golfing_with_a_friend/
%
An African American man is trying to print a color-coded document out at the library, but the default printer only prints in black & white. So he goes to the front desk and asks the librarian: "where can I find the colored printers?"

The librarian responds in disbelief: "Excuse me sir, we live in the 21st century, you are welcome to use any printer you want"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxgahc/an_african_american_man_is_trying_to_print_a/
%
What does the inventor of the knock knock deserve?

A-dooration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxg7u6/what_does_the_inventor_of_the_knock_knock_deserve/
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I’m furious. My holiday is ruined! I’ve decided to sue the airline that lost my luggage.

My lawyer said that I don’t have a case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxg2lh/im_furious_my_holiday_is_ruined_ive_decided_to/
%
When I was lost in the woods

A couple of years ago, I was walking through the woods when I became lost. I had no compass, no map and wandered for hours, then days trying to find my way back. As I made my way through the muck and mud, I became hungry, more hungry than I had ever been, and found a few berries to satiate me for a little while. I became thirsty, more thirsty than I had ever been in my life. And it rained, quenching my thirst for just the time being. The rain made me cold, but I knew I had to carry on. After some time I became lonely and dreamed of a woman to hold, to keep me warm, and I realized I was horny. More horny than I had ever been in my whole life. Even the trees started looking alluring to me. They were even positioned in these inviting positions, teasing me. I happened apon a particularly sexy walnut tree, and I regret to say I did partake in that walnut tree. And it was at that moment I realized, I was fucking nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxfzzn/when_i_was_lost_in_the_woods/
%
There was a man who was a massive tractor fan

Absolutely huge, he loved tractors more than anything in the world. But one day after an unfortunate accident he could no longer ride his favourite tractors. A few years later he was coming home from the bar with his friends to find his house filled with smoke. He took one big breath and blew all the smoke out of his house. His friend shocked, asked: “blimey, how’d you do that” and he said: “I’m an ex tractor fan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxfyjw/there_was_a_man_who_was_a_massive_tractor_fan/
%
An attractive woman loved growing tomatoes...

but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed that she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxfy8n/an_attractive_woman_loved_growing_tomatoes/
%
Can a woman become the President of Russia?

No, because Putin is not a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxfwof/can_a_woman_become_the_president_of_russia/
%
The Red Cross knocked on the door...

of an elderly Bostonian, and asked if he could contribute towards the floods in Missouri. He replied he'd love to, but his garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxfw4d/the_red_cross_knocked_on_the_door/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other one is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxfvdw/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Today is the 75th anniversary of D-Day

I was going to make a joke, but I couldn’t come up with anything besides admiration and respect for all of those people that sacrificed themselves for a better world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxfupq/today_is_the_75th_anniversary_of_dday/
%
I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.

She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”.
I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxfuhg/i_asked_my_math_teacher_why_6_was_afraid_of_7/
%
What do you call it when an immigrant walks into a Catholic Church?

Alien vs Predator (this is my son’s joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxfmcz/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_immigrant_walks_into/
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A Father takes his son Timmy to a baseball game

While watching the game the father orders a beer and gets his son a soda.
Timmy asks "Dad can I have a beer?"
Dad replies "Can your dick reach your asshole?"
Timmy replies "no it cannot"
Dad says "then you can't have a beer"
After the game they go to dinner. Dad orders himself a steak and gets Timmy a hotdog.
Timmy asks "Dad can I have steak?"
Dad replies "Can your dick reach your asshole?"
Timmy replies "no it cannot"
Dad says "Well then you can't have steak"
On the way home Dad stops at the store and buys some lottery scratch tickets. He gives Timmy one.
Timmy says excitedly "Holy shit Dad I just won $500"
Dad says "That's great son give me the ticket and we can split the prize"
Timmy says "Can your dick reach your asshole?"
Dad proudly replies "Why yes son it can"
Timmy says "Good then you can go fuck yourself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxfhfh/a_father_takes_his_son_timmy_to_a_baseball_game/
%
According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxfdfc/according_to_recent_scientific_studies_its/
%
Timmy wakes up in the morning.....

And he feels great! He then gets ready for work and, on the way, he goes to a coffee shop.
The barista tells him: "are you ok? You look terrible".
He replies, "really? But I feel great!" He then continues to work.
He arrives, and his boss asks him, "Are you ok? You look terrible".
He replies, "really? But I feel great!"
The boss says, "Maybe you still should go home. Go see a doctor."
The doctor asks him what his symptoms are. Timmy replies, "I look terrible, but I feel great!"
The doctor says, "hmmm, I think I've seen this before. Let me check my book"
"Looks bad, feels bad, no."
"Looks good, feels bad, no that's not it."
"Aha! Looks bad, feels good!"
"Timmy, you're a vagina."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxfcj7/timmy_wakes_up_in_the_morning/
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A man and his wife were driving along a road...

(reposted due to an error in the title hahah)
The wife says "I know we've been married for five years, but I want a divorce."
The man speeds up slowly.
The wife opens her mouth again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend and he's a much better lover than you are."
The man speeds up again, subtly.
This time, the wife lists her demands, "I want the house, I want the kids too, I want the car, the chequing account and all the credits cards as well."
The man speeds up one last time.
The wife faces her husband and asks, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The man looks at his wife and says, "I've got everything I need."
The wife looks puzzled and asks him, "What's that?"
The man turns the car, heading towards a pillar with a large grin on his face and replies with, "I've got the airbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxf62c/a_man_and_his_wife_were_driving_along_a_road/
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Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxf51m/bernie_sanders_confronted_the_head_of_the_nsa_and/
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Big man in a suit of armor. Take that away, and what are you?

Stark naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxf350/big_man_in_a_suit_of_armor_take_that_away_and/
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So police are investigating a korean man on suspicion of murdering his wife..

He is the seoul suspect of the case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxezu0/so_police_are_investigating_a_korean_man_on/
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My Chemistry teacher was right

Alcohol IS a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxev50/my_chemistry_teacher_was_right/
%
How does Moses make coffee?

He brews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxeufr/how_does_moses_make_coffee/
%
How do people over 30 meet new people to hang out with?

I'm asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxetct/how_do_people_over_30_meet_new_people_to_hang_out/
%
A man and his wife a driving along a road...

The wife says "I know we've been married for five years, but I want a divorce."
The man speeds up slowly.
The wife opens her mouth again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend and he's a much better lover than you are."
The man speeds up again, subtly.
This time, the wife lists her demands, "I want the house, I want the kids too, I want the car, the chequing account and all the credits cards as well."
The man speeds up one last time.
The wife faces her husband and asks, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The man looks at his wife and says, "I've got everything I need."
The wife looks puzzled and asks him "What's that?"
The man turns the car with a large grin on his face and replies with "I've got the airbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxesum/a_man_and_his_wife_a_driving_along_a_road/
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From an Old West fort the sentinel cries out:

\- Captain! The indians are coming!
\- Friends or foes?
\- I think friends Sir, they're coming together!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxepqw/from_an_old_west_fort_the_sentinel_cries_out/
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Police arrested two men yesterday.

One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxepoi/police_arrested_two_men_yesterday/
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- Waiter! Is this a beef or pork steak?

\- Can't you tell by the taste of it?
\- No!
\- Then why do you care?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxep6i/waiter_is_this_a_beef_or_pork_steak/
%
Doctor: I had to take your colon.

Me  why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxep64/doctor_i_had_to_take_your_colon/
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What do you get if you cross a cat with an octopus?

Arrested under the Animal Scientific Procedures Act 1986.
[Joke I wrote for a scientists do standup event]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxelt6/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_cat_with_an_octopus/
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High noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"
The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go. "Play alone, we're a-leavin'. Wild Bill's comin' to town."
The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing; a strong one at that. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change."
After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer, and pushes the bill back to the reporter. "The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town." Without another word the 'tender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the reporter in an empty bar.
Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he's about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something; so he waits...
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, Bong<CRACK!>- Just as the clock strikes the first chime of twelve, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The reporter runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a tornado coming right for the bar. The reporter hits the ground and watches as the tornado comes up to the bar and stops.
The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face <WHAM!>, knocking it cold on the ground.
The reporter is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. <KaPLOW!> the giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters that imbed themselves into the walls and break bottles and glasses that they touch.
The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the reporter and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, "GIMME A DRINK!"
The reporter comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whisky; which the giant snatches up, chews the glass tops off of, and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles showering the reporter with shards that rain down.
Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the reporter stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, "W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?"
The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock... "Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill's comin' to town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxeg09/high_noon/
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Which plant is extremely deadly if you stand beneath it for five minutes?

The water lily

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxeei4/which_plant_is_extremely_deadly_if_you_stand/
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I often act out the names of places that I visit.

For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming. When I went to Rugby, I played rugby. When I went to Bath, I took a bath.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxe7rb/i_often_act_out_the_names_of_places_that_i_visit/
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I heard they have "bagged milk" in Canada

Where i'm from, we just call them breasts like everyone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxe6qa/i_heard_they_have_bagged_milk_in_canada/
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An extremely bright star walks into a bar.

He shines so bright he nearly blinds everyone inside.
"Are you kidding?" The bartender asks in annoyance.
"No," The star replies. "I'm Sirius."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxe2qg/an_extremely_bright_star_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell everyone they were vegan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxe11p/why_did_the_vegan_cross_the_road/
%
What do you call a 3.14cm long snake?

A worm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxdyy6/what_do_you_call_a_314cm_long_snake/
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What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato?

Ketchup!
.. im so sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxdti2/what_did_the_fast_tomato_say_to_the_slow_tomato/
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What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxdtal/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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Crime in multi-storey car parks

It’s wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxdqaf/crime_in_multistorey_car_parks/
%
Why did the cannibal have trouble eating a vegetable?

He couldn't swallow the wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxdnva/why_did_the_cannibal_have_trouble_eating_a/
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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, just dumped into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't  you seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish guy slowly answered "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasnt staring at you like you tink. Dat vould not be proper."
The woman giggled and responded "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused for a moment, then told her "Vell.... M'am,  I am looking, and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in Da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxdm19/a_clearly_inebriated_woman_stark_naked_just/
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Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car

He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to be growing as rapidly as he would wish if at all and the poor guy almost gave up all hopes of getting the car he wanted so bad.
But so it happened that a horrible tornado hit this guy's hometown. Damage of this tragic event was immense: roads were all cracked up, roofs flew off houses, windows broken, fences spread along the streets. After such a terrible disaster in order to encourage citizens to help deal with the consequences the town's Mayor has promised to give his luxurious brand new BMW to the one who would help with the hardest, most heavy-duty and demanding reconstruction work.
The very next day, the mother of the guy was walking down one of the shattered streets when to her surprise she saw her son single-handedly putting up lamppost along the road, and by the looks of it, he has already fixed dozens of these. Shocked by such a weird and impressive feat of strength she asked him:
"Son, but what are you doing?"
The guy just smiled back and replied:
"Re-posting to get the car, ma"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxdi6j/once_in_a_small_town_lived_a_guy_who_dreamt_of/
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What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?

At least the otter knows he's not a seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxdh4f/whats_the_difference_between_an_otter_and_a_navy/
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Why can't a T-Rex masturbate?

Cause they're extinct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxdg41/why_cant_a_trex_masturbate/
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxdfid/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_was_speaking_so_softly_at/
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Old man & a pail.

An old man was sitting on his porch one day. When a young man approached him with a gallon pail in one hand. He quickly asks the old man if he could go behind his barn & get milk from his milkweeds. The old man nods & an hour later the young man returns with a pail of milk. The next day the young man returns & asks if he can go behind his barn & get some honey from the honeysuckle behind the barn. The old man nods & an hour later he returns with a pail of honey.  The old man watches the young man walk away while in complete disbelief. The next day, the young man returns again. This time with empty hands & asks "old man, can I get some pussy from those pussy willows behind your barn?"
After a long pause the old man replies "let me fetch my jacket!"....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxdf92/old_man_a_pail/
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Partner in crime

I hate it when boyfriends call their girlfriend "Partner in crime"
Seriously dude, we get it, she's under-age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxddo9/partner_in_crime/
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The nursing home is going to be lots of fun.

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out,
'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all said in  unison, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
the world did you guess my age?'
Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....
We were at your birthday 🎂 party yesterday.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxdc2g/the_nursing_home_is_going_to_be_lots_of_fun/
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What’s the only thing you can say during sex and at a funeral?

Sorry, were you close?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxd7sb/whats_the_only_thing_you_can_say_during_sex_and/
%
my twin brother called me from prison

he said, “ hey so you know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxd7da/my_twin_brother_called_me_from_prison/
%
I was going to tell an Avengers joke but

No, I don't think I will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxd6y2/i_was_going_to_tell_an_avengers_joke_but/
%
In Zimbabwe we always use 2 shopping carts

One for the food, one for the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxczma/in_zimbabwe_we_always_use_2_shopping_carts/
%
My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..

Luckily I was already up, playing drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxcugi/my_neighboor_rang_my_doorbell_at_5_am/
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Which breed of dogs can jump higher than buildings?

Any dogs, because buildings can't jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxctgi/which_breed_of_dogs_can_jump_higher_than_buildings/
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What do you call ejaculate that successfully impregnates a women?

The mother load.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxct2w/what_do_you_call_ejaculate_that_successfully/
%
At a disfigured children's ball...

A boy with a wooden eye goes up to a girl with a harelip and asks her to dance.
"Oh boy, would I!"
The boy walks off in a huff and screams, "Sorry I'm not good enough for you, girl harelip!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxclzi/at_a_disfigured_childrens_ball/
%
How can a woman make you a millionaire?

When you are a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxclv7/how_can_a_woman_make_you_a_millionaire/
%
Two young brothers decide to try out some swear words.

The first brother comes up with an ingenious way to do this. "At breakfast, we'll say to Mom, 'Get us some damn Cheerios!' It'll be so much fun!"
The second brother, who was far more timid, reluctantly agreed.
Morning came, and the boys walked into the kitchen. The second brother froze at the sight of his mother washing dishes, and could only stare in horror as the first brother said, "Get us some damn Cheerios!"
The mother was through the roof. She immediately grabbed a wooden spoon and started spanking the first brother with it. After a while, the first brother stood up and waddled to the kitchen table, silent.
The mother turned to the second brother, asking threateningly, "And what would *you* like for breakfast?"
Without thinking, the second brother cried, " I don't know, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxck97/two_young_brothers_decide_to_try_out_some_swear/
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My cute female friend said we should streak on Snapchat.

She did not mean what I thought she meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxcgos/my_cute_female_friend_said_we_should_streak_on/
%
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard if it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxcfot/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What do you call a death that is caused by an earthquake?

Death by Default

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxcdnh/what_do_you_call_a_death_that_is_caused_by_an/
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My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxcdmw/my_job_application_for_mcdonalds/
%
Shakespeare is visiting his friend who lives in an apartment building. He remembers that he said they were on the second floor in room B. He walks up the stairs and finds the room, but upon reaching to knock, he hesitates and wonders if his friend said he was on the second floor or third floor:

He thinks too himself “2B or not 2B?”
That is the question!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxcajz/shakespeare_is_visiting_his_friend_who_lives_in/
%
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.

He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?"
The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxc4he/two_irish_guys_are_fishing_the_first_guy_reels_in/
%
Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.

Trying to get in to smaller pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxc44t/jared_fogles_career_started_and_ended_the_same_way/
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Did you know R Kelly had a chance to be a professional Hockey player.

Only problem was he never wanted to score after the first period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxc350/did_you_know_r_kelly_had_a_chance_to_be_a/
%
shoutout to my grandfather

because that's the only way he can hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxbyl9/shoutout_to_my_grandfather/
%
So the supermarket was selling this new and improved "Gourmet Water"

And I have to say it was absolutely mouth watering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxbtzy/so_the_supermarket_was_selling_this_new_and/
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Did you know R. Kelly had a chance to be an NBA player?

Only problem was he kept wanted to do all his scoring before the end of the first period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxbtsw/did_you_know_r_kelly_had_a_chance_to_be_an_nba/
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What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA

Kicked out of the petting zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxbswd/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_human_dna_with_goat/
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Why do actors say “break a leg” before a show?

Because it has to be supported by a strong cast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxbriw/why_do_actors_say_break_a_leg_before_a_show/
%
Most people don't know where peanuts grow

It's totally underground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxbnvx/most_people_dont_know_where_peanuts_grow/
%
I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxbb8x/i_want_to_buy_apples_new_monitor_but_i_only_have/
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Little Johnnie

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
All of the class but Little Johnny had answered.
The teacher called on Johnny and he slowly walk to the front.
My Dad is an entertainer he works at night. He is a male stripper and some times he doesn't come home after work. This makes my Mother cries because he is sleeping with a man to get enough money to by us food.
The teacher tells the other kids to go outside for recess. She hugs Little Johnny and ask is that true? No he plays baseball for the Detroit Tigers but am ashamed to tell the other kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxbadi/little_johnnie/
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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."
Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised.
His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxb9f6/an_elderly_man_finds_he_is_unable_to_perform/
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A man walks into a bar with an AR15 and says

"I'm gonna shoot the son of a bitch who slept with my wife"
To which one of the bar patrons shouts
"You don't have enough bullets"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxb7ce/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_ar15_and_says/
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What do you call a plagiarized work of Homer?

A fraudyssey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxb2g9/what_do_you_call_a_plagiarized_work_of_homer/
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What do you call a team of transgender superheroes?

The Ex-men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxarl7/what_do_you_call_a_team_of_transgender_superheroes/
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When you look really closely,

All mirrors look like eyeballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxar8f/when_you_look_really_closely/
%
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in
a  typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxaq3a/on_a_golf_tour_in_ireland_tiger_woods_drives_his/
%
What do you call a 3.14 centimetre snake?

Your penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxankg/what_do_you_call_a_314_centimetre_snake/
%
What did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons?

José and hose B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxakxl/what_did_the_mexican_fire_chief_name_his_two_sons/
%
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they were married?

Feyoncé

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxadum/what_did_jayz_call_his_wife_before_they_were/
%
It’s ok if you fall apart sometimes.

Tacos fall apart and we still love them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxa9xt/its_ok_if_you_fall_apart_sometimes/
%
They say you should let sleeping dogs lie...

But, I call them out on their bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxa9bo/they_say_you_should_let_sleeping_dogs_lie/
%
One wind turbine asks another and says "Hey, Wind Turbine, what kind of music do you like?"

He replies: I'm actually, I'm a huge metal fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxa9an/one_wind_turbine_asks_another_and_says_hey_wind/
%
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me”

The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”.
So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”.
To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?”
“Because he also shit in my pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxa8ox/a_man_had_been_drinking_at_a_bar_all_night_and/
%
If Satan ever loses his hair...

...there will be hell toupee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxa8gi/if_satan_ever_loses_his_hair/
%
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxa72y/every_morning_after_i_wake_up_the_first_thing_i/
%
A 5 year old boy nags and nags his mother to get him a horse.

He is relentless until she figures out a compromise, she gets him a stick horse.  He is disappointed, but soon he and the stick horse bond, the boy teaches his horse to walk, trot, gallop and to neck rein.  On the first day back to school after summer vacation the boy rides his horse to school.  He is all proud as he ties it to the fence and goes to school.  After school the boy comes out to find that the older kids found his horse and broke it into several pieces.  The boy was devastated.  Telling his mother about it that evening, he said "sure, I cried, I loved that horse, but you know what was the worst?  I had to walk home from school."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxa4bb/a_5_year_old_boy_nags_and_nags_his_mother_to_get/
%
Girls say they like a guy who is hung

But when they walk in and I am stung up by a noose they freak out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxa3op/girls_say_they_like_a_guy_who_is_hung/
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If I had a penny for everytime people complain about the price of a Mac Display Stand,

I could afford a Mac Display Stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxa2do/if_i_had_a_penny_for_everytime_people_complain/
%
Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.

They say ”Its gunna be  just like Disneyland.”
Yeah except the 6-foot mouse is real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bxa0ad/ukraine_has_announced_plans_to_open_chernobyl_as/
%
Perogies are like fish

You put them in the water and they float to the top when the're finished

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx9yl0/perogies_are_like_fish/
%
What's the difference between a Married man and a Batchelor?

A Batchelor gets home late sees what's in the fridge and goes to bed. A Married man get's home late sees what's in the bed and goes to the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx9ugq/whats_the_difference_between_a_married_man_and_a/
%
So I took ma epileptic buddy to Times Square.

He loved it so much, he started dancing on the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx9tfu/so_i_took_ma_epileptic_buddy_to_times_square/
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I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos

Now they won't post m'loan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx9rjv/i_was_approved_to_borrow_money_but_then_the_bank/
%
So a Jewish man is placed

between two Muslims on an international flight. The first Muslim says “Jew, get go get me some orange juice!”
So the Jew goes and get the juice. While he’s gone the Muslim spits in the Jews shoe.
As he comes back with the orange juice, the other Muslim says “Jew go get me some orange juice.”
While he’s gone the other Muslim spits in the Jews other shoe.
The Jewish gentleman delivers the orange juice, then notices the spit in his shoes.
When will this anti-semitism end? When will this spitting in shoes end? When will this terrorism end? When will the pissing in orange juice end!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx9qxi/so_a_jewish_man_is_placed/
%
What’s a virgin in Alabama?

An only child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx9p60/whats_a_virgin_in_alabama/
%
What’s a couple?’ I asked my brother.

He said, ‘Two or three’.
Which probably explains why his marriages dont last too long .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx9mho/whats_a_couple_i_asked_my_brother/
%
I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end

The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx9k4c/i_was_kicked_out_of_the_neighborhood_pool_for/
%
The calender-printing factory fired me today.

Why, though? All I did was take a week off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx9gqh/the_calenderprinting_factory_fired_me_today/
%
I asked God for a bike, but I know that’s not how he works...

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx9gaz/i_asked_god_for_a_bike_but_i_know_thats_not_how/
%
I went to the doctor to see why I had such a big fear of snakes...

He said I have a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx9bmh/i_went_to_the_doctor_to_see_why_i_had_such_a_big/
%
Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Bc they don’t know where home is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx9bk8/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
You know how when you are cooking a really nice steak, and your mouth starts to water?

Does the same thing happen to vegans when they mow their lawn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx98az/you_know_how_when_you_are_cooking_a_really_nice/
%
Why did the frog take the bus

His car got toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx96ha/why_did_the_frog_take_the_bus/
%
My dog likes to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad, I had to take away the bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx961p/my_dog_likes_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course. Houses dont jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx92zs/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
%
What does a dog do that his owner steps in?

Pants. The dog pants.
Why, what were you thinking of?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx91em/what_does_a_dog_do_that_his_owner_steps_in/
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What is the difference between a secret service agent and Liberace?

One's a body guard and the other's a gaudy bard.
Sorry...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx909l/what_is_the_difference_between_a_secret_service/
%
Why do lesbians shop at sports authority?

Because they don't like dick's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx8y7a/why_do_lesbians_shop_at_sports_authority/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx8w8k/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog

It’s a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx8tup/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo_the_only_animal_in_the/
%
Never trust a math teacher holding graph paper.

They are always plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx8roq/never_trust_a_math_teacher_holding_graph_paper/
%
So, there's a world, and it's only inhabited by Cheerios.

And in this cheerio society, there are three social classes in which you can reside. The lower, plebian, plain Cheerios. They work in factories and fields. Then, there are the middle class honey nut Cheerios. They are kind if like middle management. Then, there are the mega upper class, bourgeoisie frosted Cheerios. They are the ruling class, and they hold all the upper roles in society. One day, a plain Cheerio is working in the field, and he sees a beautiful frosted cheerio princess. So he goes up to her and asks her out to the cheerio ball. She says "I'd like to, but you're a plain Cheerio. We could never be seen together." So the plain Cheerio goes to the cheerio elder, and asks him for advice. The elder says "you must go to froot loop mountain, and ascend it. At the top you will find the god Toucan Sam. You must consult him. So the cheerio goes to the mountain, and he climbs and he climbs and climbs, and he finally reaches the top. So he enters the toucan temple, and meets toucan Sam. Sam says "who dares to disturb my slumber" and the plain Cheerio says "oh great toucan Sam, I request that you make me into a frosted cheerio" and Sam says "I won't make you a frosted Cheerio, but tell you what. You work for me for 7 years, and I'll make you a honey nut Cheerio." The plain Cheerio thinks this is fair, so he works for 7 years. At the end of 7 years, he is finally made into a honey nut Cheerio. So he goes down the mountain, and finds the princess, and he asks her if she wants to go the ball with him. She says "no, I still can't, because you're just a honey nut Cheerio. Maybe if you were frosted, but no. So he goes back up froot loop mountain, and asks Sam if he will make him a frosted cheerio. Sam says "yes, but this time you will work for 10 years for me". So the honey nut Cheerio works for 10 more long years. At the end of this time, he is finally made into a frosted Cheerio, and he is very content. He goes back down the mountain one last time, and asks the princess out. She says yes, and the protagonist is overjoyed. So they go to the ball, and they're dancing and dancing and dancing, and eventually the princess gets tired, and asks him "do you suppose you could get me some water?" So the protagonist goes to the water line and waits and waits and waits, and he finally gets to the front, but they are out of water. So he goes to her and says that there is no water. So she asks him to the milk line, cause Cheerios drink milk. So he gets in line and he waits and waits and waits, but then he gets to the front and there's no milk. So he goes back to her, and says that there's no milk. She says "what about some punch?" So he looks around, but there was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx8p6i/so_theres_a_world_and_its_only_inhabited_by/
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Real old soviet era joke, also heard on HBO Chernobyl

What's big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shitload of smoke and noise and cuts an apple into three pieces?
A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx8mo7/real_old_soviet_era_joke_also_heard_on_hbo/
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What’s the difference between a pothole and a regular hole?

One is a little higher than the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx8l27/whats_the_difference_between_a_pothole_and_a/
%
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "If I show you something you've never seen before, can I drink for free?"

The bartender looks skeptical.
"Ive seen a lot of things bud, but sure, lets see what you got."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a very small piano and sets it on the bar. Then he takes out a man, about a foot tall, wearing a very fancy tuxedo and sets him on the bar as well. Then this strange little man sits down and starts playing a very chipper tune.
Flabbergasted, the bartender starts fixing him up a drink and says. "Holy hell thats impressive, where did you even get something like that?"
"Oh, earlier this week i found a genie lamp in your dumpster out back and he granted me a wish. Its probably still out there." The man replied.
With that, the bartender sprinted out back and found the lamp. Excitedly he grabs and rubs it and as the man said, a genie came out of it.
"I am the mystical genie! I will grant you only one wish so make it count!"
"I wish for a million bucks!" The bartender shouted.
"Your wish... Has been granted!" The genie bellowed and disappeared back into the lamp. Just then, a million ducks flew overhead of the bartender, who watched in dismay.
The man from earlier was sipping his drink when the sulky bartender came back in.
"That genie was a crook. I wished for a million bucks and i got a million ducks instead." The bartender says with a frown.
"Hah, yeah. You think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx8k9u/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_to_the_bartender/
%
Donald Trump is flying on a plane.

DT: "Should I drop 10 packs of 1k dollars and make 10 Americans happy, or drop 1 pack of 10k dollars and make 1 American happy?"
Pilot: "I can throw you off the planet and make all of America happy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx8hud/donald_trump_is_flying_on_a_plane/
%
If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies?

A swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx8git/if_a_pink_stork_delivers_girl_babies_and_a_blue/
%
When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman's body

Then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx8fgu/when_i_was_younger_i_felt_like_a_man_trapped/
%
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where’s my tractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx8ctp/what_did_the_farmer_say_when_he_lost_his_tractor/
%
What do you call a 3.14 inch long snake?

A π-thon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx8ane/what_do_you_call_a_314_inch_long_snake/
%
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

Amazing food!
No atmosphere though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx8al4/have_you_heard_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx88vn/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
How many Nazis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they prefer gas lamps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx88km/how_many_nazis_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
How many Chinese leaders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they prefer it when their civilians are in the dark about everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx881e/how_many_chinese_leaders_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
Bob was in trouble

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx7yp2/bob_was_in_trouble/
%
This blonde woman was at a nightclub and started dancing with a big black man. Things were going well and she later invited him home. When they got inside she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear: "I want you to prove that what they say about black men is true"

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx7xr9/this_blonde_woman_was_at_a_nightclub_and_started/
%
Did you hear about the mute kid wanting help?

Yeah... neither did i.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx7wgm/did_you_hear_about_the_mute_kid_wanting_help/
%
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx7tur/it_was_entertainment_night_at_the_senior_center/
%
A normal day at the Apple store

Me: *Walks into an Apple store.*
Apple employee: Hi, what would you like today?
Me: I got $1000 to buy anything I want.
AE: Then our iPhone XS will be perfect! You can have the power of a computer right in your pocket. You can call, text, browse, play games, and so much more!
Me: Uhh what's that black bar on the top of the screen.
AE: It's a notch.
Me: Like Minecraft Notch?
AE: No, it's a bar where all of the front components are housed.
Me: Well, it's ugly. Do you have anything else?
AE: You could get a MacBook Air. It's a beautifully crafted lightweight computer that has great battery life.
Me: Why can I see the pixels?
AE: Because it's an old computer. As they say, old is gold!
Me: Well this old is bad. Do you have anything else?
AE: You could go with the iPad Pro. It's an ultra-fast tablet that can do computer things. Look, you can even attach a keyboard!
Me: Why is it bent?
AE: It doesn't affect the functionality.
Me: I don't want bent products. What else is there?
AE: You could get our new Pro XDR Display. I mean the stand.
Me: ...
AE: No notch, can't see the pixels, and isn't bent. It's everything you want!
Me: Genius! I'm buying this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx7ssl/a_normal_day_at_the_apple_store/
%
2 pieces of black pavement walk into a bar, order 2 beers and sit down at a table.

5 minutes later a green piece of pavement walks in, and as soon as it does the black pieces dive under the table to hide, trembling with fear.
The green pavement has a quick drink and leaves the bar.
The barman approaches the black pavement and asked what the problem is, stating "that green pavement is o.k, why are you so scared?"
1 piece of the black pavement responds, "Ok?? You think hes Ok?. Hes a fucking cyclepath!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx7rya/2_pieces_of_black_pavement_walk_into_a_bar_order/
%
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey...

But I turned myself around and that's what it's all about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx7g9f/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_cokey/
%
What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx7a1q/whats_green_fuzzy_and_if_it_fell_out_of_a_tree_it/
%
I always masturbate before I leave the house.

That way I last longer when I masturbate on the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx768f/i_always_masturbate_before_i_leave_the_house/
%
Do you know what day it is?

The wife asks the husband, "Do you know what day it is?"
The husband begins panicking. "Is it her mother's birthday? Or the day her father has died? Or maybe I forgot about our anniversary again?!". He cannot remember so he decides to follow the worst case scenario, that he'd forgotten about her birthday. He rushes out and buys a large bouquet of roses, a bottle of wine, orders some nice food, buys her a necklace for a present. They end up spending a wonderful evening together, but as they are about to fall asleep after a passionate sex, the husband realizes he still haven't figured out what day it was. Knowing she's in the best mood and he'll be forgiven, he tentatively asks her.
"Oh, I had trouble remembering it, too. It's Thursday, honey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx721r/do_you_know_what_day_it_is/
%
What does a vegan zombie say?

...grains.... ...grains.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx71xa/what_does_a_vegan_zombie_say/
%
My jokes are so bad they could give you a headache..

I’m aspirin to be better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx704x/my_jokes_are_so_bad_they_could_give_you_a_headache/
%
A news chain started asking people what's their opinion on a food shortage around the world

The venezuelans asked what food is
The Europeans asked what shortage is
The americans asked what the rest of the world is
The chinese asked what an opinion is, then got arrested for asking too many questions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx6zcf/a_news_chain_started_asking_people_whats_their/
%
Why did the grizzly get fired from his job?

He was only doing the bear minimum.....
Yes I know where the door is.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx6z9b/why_did_the_grizzly_get_fired_from_his_job/
%
My friends and I went to a premature ejaculation conference

Surprisingly no one came early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx6yia/my_friends_and_i_went_to_a_premature_ejaculation/
%
A little boy was walking past a D-Day memorial along the beach

As he passed by, he could see an old man shaking his head and letting out a long sigh. Curious as to what his story was, the little boy walked up to the man and said "Hey mister, why do you look so sad?"
The man looked at the child and said "More than 70 years ago, my friends fought on this beach and died a hero's death. This memorial is missing a flag."
The little boy looks at the memorial and sees the US flag, the French flag, and the British flag. He ponders for a moment before saying to the man, "Oh, I know! The Canadian flag isn't up there!"
"Canada? No, child. We Germans fought here as well!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx6y6w/a_little_boy_was_walking_past_a_dday_memorial/
%
A Buddhist converted to Christianity

To get with his new girlfriend, a Buddhist quit his religion and converted to Christianity. As they were cleaning up his old apartment,the girlfriend stumbled upon his old notebooks containing all the wisdom he had learned from his old teacher.
"Babe, what's this?" She asked.
"Don't worry about that," he replied. "That's just some bodhi that I used to know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx6wgz/a_buddhist_converted_to_christianity/
%
My friends won’t stop teasing me for giving up in a marathon after only 1 mile

I’ve become a running joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx6hux/my_friends_wont_stop_teasing_me_for_giving_up_in/
%
My doctor said that I should stop mixing coffee and redbull

He’s just jealous that I can lock a drawer and still have time to throw the key inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx6hp3/my_doctor_said_that_i_should_stop_mixing_coffee/
%
What animals are the best fighters?

Wasps.  They have 5 black belts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx6fe3/what_animals_are_the_best_fighters/
%
One of my favorite older dark jokes of all time

*this joke is probably one of the oldest and most famous dark jokes ever but it's by far one of the best ones I've ever heard
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx6cog/one_of_my_favorite_older_dark_jokes_of_all_time/
%
What do you call a guy who finds out a one night stand got pregnant, but is relieved to remember that they only did oral?

Gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx6672/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_finds_out_a_one_night/
%
What lies on the ground, 100 feet up in the air?

A dead centipede.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx60vy/what_lies_on_the_ground_100_feet_up_in_the_air/
%
Did you know it's illegal to discriminate against people that believe the Earth is flat?

It's true. The Americans with disabilities act protects the mentally disabled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx5s9s/did_you_know_its_illegal_to_discriminate_against/
%
You know what they say about eating a clock

It’s very time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx5rjo/you_know_what_they_say_about_eating_a_clock/
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A penguin takes his car to a mechanic...

The mechanic says “Go get something to eat, this will take a while.”
So the penguin goes to the local ice cream parlor across the street. He orders his ice cream but his flippers can’t hold onto the cone. So he just dives right in.
Ice cream is everywhere.
Afterward, he walks back to the mechanic’s shop. The mechanic says “ it looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin says “Oh no, it’s just ice cream!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx5paa/a_penguin_takes_his_car_to_a_mechanic/
%
This guy is waiting in the doctor’s office. He’s very nervous and decides to talk to the guy beside him

“So, What are you here for?”
“I got a red ring around the base of my penis, and I’m really scared.”
“Wow... I got a green ring... wonder what it is.”
The first guy gets called in. A few more minutes later he comes out beaming. “Nothing to worry about!! “ he tells our friend before skipping out.
Feeling relieved, our friend walks into the consulting room. The doctor takes one look and says: “Sorry son, but it’ll have to come off.”
The guy is distraught. “You told the other guy that it wasn’t a problem???” He exclaims.
The doctor looks at him over the rim of his spectacles. “Son,  there’s a difference between lipstick and gangrene.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx5o4w/this_guy_is_waiting_in_the_doctors_office_hes/
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb

Let's go play with our bikes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx5j47/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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My girlfriend said she was tired of me acting like a detective and told me that we should split up

I said "Good idea we'll cover more ground that way"
She also got pissed at me and said that I ruined her birthday which I have no idea how I didn't even know it was her birthday
I heard these two jokes when I was a kid and they've always made me laugh, I know they are kind of old but I wanted to share them with some of the people on here who may not have heard of them before because I love these two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx5gwn/my_girlfriend_said_she_was_tired_of_me_acting/
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A blonde was driving through the countryside...

and she looked out into a field and saw another blonde woman, in a rowboat, rowing so hard the dirt was flying. The 1st blonde pulled over to the side of the road, jumped out of her car, ran up to the fence and yelled: "You're the reason people make Blonde jokes and if I could swim I'd come out there and beat the hell out of you!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx5axu/a_blonde_was_driving_through_the_countryside/
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My friend said he had an original joke to tell me

But I'd Reddit somewhere before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx578i/my_friend_said_he_had_an_original_joke_to_tell_me/
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If I had a dollar for everytime a girl found me unattractive

They will eventually find me more attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx56rt/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_everytime_a_girl_found_me/
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A longtime sufferer of depression was on his deathbed, surrounded by friends and family. He said "At least I'm gonna die doing what I like" to which his son replied "What?"

"Dying".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx56ly/a_longtime_sufferer_of_depression_was_on_his/
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I’m not saying that I don’t like the wind....

But I’m Just not a fan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx55md/im_not_saying_that_i_dont_like_the_wind/
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What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx551i/what_snack_will_you_always_find_at_a_kkk_rally/
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I would never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate.

That’s just nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx5298/i_would_never_buy_trail_mix_without_dried_fruit/
%
I once told my girlfriend she’d drawn her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx4yie/i_once_told_my_girlfriend_shed_drawn_her_eyebrows/
%
A girl walks into work crying

And her boss asks what’s wrong and the blonde says “my mom died” so the boss asks if she wants to go home and the blonde says no she can still work. later that day the boss sees the blonde crying and asks “what’s wrong “ and the blonde says “I just called my sister and her mom died too”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx4yih/a_girl_walks_into_work_crying/
%
What do dyslexic zombies eat?

Brians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx4xyy/what_do_dyslexic_zombies_eat/
%
I relabeled all the jars in my wife's spice rack.

I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx4w8m/i_relabeled_all_the_jars_in_my_wifes_spice_rack/
%
I quit going to my therapist after I told her I was scared of The Backstreet Boys

She asked me to tell her why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx4qzn/i_quit_going_to_my_therapist_after_i_told_her_i/
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Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx4kxd/why_do_vegans_like_to_make_their_food_look_and/
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A man is walking down the street with his friend

when he hears a noise from behind him. He turns around to see a crazed man quickly approaching him. At first they thought he was going to mug them but they soon saw he was holding a giant silver key in his hand. When the man catches up he looks at them and hold out the key, whispering, “you take key” over and over again. The two men, extremely puzzled decline the offer and begin walking away. Once they were a safe distance a way, one guy turns to the other and says,
“Okay, that was free key”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx4k28/a_man_is_walking_down_the_street_with_his_friend/
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Getting hit on by a hot gay guy is like finding a million pesos

I can’t do anything with this now, but if I ever cross that line I’m all set

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx4jp2/getting_hit_on_by_a_hot_gay_guy_is_like_finding_a/
%
What's T-rex's favorite file extension?

.rar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx4dpe/whats_trexs_favorite_file_extension/
%
What happened when Donald Trump went vegan?

Cornwall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx4d48/what_happened_when_donald_trump_went_vegan/
%
It was night in a solemn street and a drunk was looking inside an open manhole yelling 25, 25, 25, 25.

A man hears the commotion and goes toward the drunk. He also looks inside the manhole to see what's going on. The drunk kicks him inside...
26, 26, 26, 26

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx468r/it_was_night_in_a_solemn_street_and_a_drunk_was/
%
"Knock, Knock!"

"Knock, knock!"
"Who's there?"
"To."
"To who?"
"No no no! It's to WHOM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx3uuk/knock_knock/
%
My 10 year old daughter just told me this one. "What did the green grape tell the purple grape?"

"What did it cost?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx3tev/my_10_year_old_daughter_just_told_me_this_one/
%
I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they are aimed at a younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx3rta/i_never_understood_school_shooting_jokes/
%
You know, if you spell "racecar" backwards, it spells "racecar"

But if you turn it sideways, it kills Paul Walker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx3ohk/you_know_if_you_spell_racecar_backwards_it_spells/
%
Atheism

A non-prophet organisation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx3mjs/atheism/
%
"MOM!!!! Dad's gone crazy...."

He's throwing things out of the windoooooooooooooo....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx3jis/mom_dads_gone_crazy/
%
I made a great joke at the mandatory meeting today.

You had to be there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx3j9t/i_made_a_great_joke_at_the_mandatory_meeting_today/
%
Hanging out with the penguins

A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx3fyj/hanging_out_with_the_penguins/
%
A wife asks for a present that would make her go from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds.

The husband got her a bathroom scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx3fd1/a_wife_asks_for_a_present_that_would_make_her_go/
%
I told my friend "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again."

Well, turns out he's addicted to gambling now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx37cq/i_told_my_friend_if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_try/
%
Whats the difference between michael phelps and hitler?

Michael phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx35bl/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
%
One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.

He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle." The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx352h/one_morning_while_his_wife_was_making_breakfast_a/
%
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx3455/a_man_is_in_a_hotel_lobby_he_wants_to_ask_the/
%
So, have you guys heard of a chicken cannon?

Used by US Federal Aviation Administration, it's a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
Hearing about the chicken cannon, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on their brand new, speedy locomotive they’re developing.
They borrowed FAA’s chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.
The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer’s  chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine’s cab.   They did the test the second time with the same result..
The British were stunned and asked the FAA to send a technician recheck the test to see if  everything was done correctly.
The FAA technician arrived and reviewed the test thoroughly, "Hmmm, I see.. and ok.  Let's do the test again boys but this time, let's use a thawed chicken.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx33qn/so_have_you_guys_heard_of_a_chicken_cannon/
%
Where do sheep go to get haircuts?

***The baa-baa shop.***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx31ao/where_do_sheep_go_to_get_haircuts/
%
What did the fisherman say to the magician?

***Pick a cod, any cod.***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx30bi/what_did_the_fisherman_say_to_the_magician/
%
My dream is to make 300K, just like my dad

Does he make 300K? Not really, but he has the same dream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx2yzo/my_dream_is_to_make_300k_just_like_my_dad/
%
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx2voc/an_infinite_number_of_people_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why is light like the navy?

They both travel at c

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx2v0c/why_is_light_like_the_navy/
%
What did the hat say to the necktie?

"You hang tight, I'll go on a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx2tr0/what_did_the_hat_say_to_the_necktie/
%
"I'm the King of Pop!"

said the needle to the balloon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx2t06/im_the_king_of_pop/
%
How does it look in Michael Jackson's basement?

Stupid question. Every child knows that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx2qw0/how_does_it_look_in_michael_jacksons_basement/
%
What do you call friends that you go out to eat with?

Taste buds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx2o4u/what_do_you_call_friends_that_you_go_out_to_eat/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx2l3y/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
What do you call the job title of a firearms enthusiast and speechwriter?

A glockenspiel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx2k6g/what_do_you_call_the_job_title_of_a_firearms/
%
why is reverse cowgirl position not popular in southern states?

because you do not turn your back on the family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx2izj/why_is_reverse_cowgirl_position_not_popular_in/
%
White people want to know only two things

How safe is it and is it covered by their insurance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx2h4y/white_people_want_to_know_only_two_things/
%
I called the local gym asking if they can train me to do gymnastics.

They said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I'm free Monday, Tuesday, and Friday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx2eml/i_called_the_local_gym_asking_if_they_can_train/
%
One of my favorite jokes..

I heard this joke on a mission trip in 9th grade. I still laugh about it to this day.
A roman, an american, and a jewish man all died yesterday. They were immediately sent to hell because they had commited some pretty daunting offences in their lives. The roman was a lustful sex offender, the american was extremely gluttonous, and the jewish man was very greedy and stole lots of money over his lifetime.
Well, God was feeling pretty generous and decided to give the three men a second change on Earth. He gathered the men into his throne room and told them, “I will give you 24 more hours on Earth. If you go these 24 hours without commiting your deadly sin, you will be granted an extra 10 years of life on Earth and a one way ticket to Heaven. But, if you commit your deadly sins, you will immediately be sent back to the deepest circle of hell.” The three men unanimously agreed and were sent back to Earth to begin their trial.
The first thing the american did was buy out an entire hot dog stand and ate all of the food as fast as he could. Then, POOF! The american was gone.
The first thing the jewish man saw was a 20 dollar bill sitting neatly on the sidewalk. He bent over to pick it up, and POOF! The roman was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx2e7m/one_of_my_favorite_jokes/
%
What do The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx29to/what_do_the_sixth_sense_and_titanic_have_in_common/
%
A panda walks into a restaurant...

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun, shoots a person, stands up and leaves. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot somebody and didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager: "Hey man, I'm a panda! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary. The definition for panda: "An Asian animal black and white colouring. Eats, shoots and leaves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx297u/a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
83 year old Mr. Jones

marries a 60 year old woman, and she worries that he might have a stroke or a heart attack if they have sex. So he goes to a doctor and tells him he needs an examination and a letter saying he's healthy enough for sex. The doctor examines him and finds him to be in great shape, and writes the letter. He shows it to Mr. Jones to see if it's what he needs. It says:
Dear Mrs. Jones,
Mr. Jones is not only healthy enough to have sex, he could have sex 10 times a day if he wants to. He's as strong and virile as a 23 year old with great stamina. You have nothing to fear.
Mr. Jones looks at the letter, pleased at first then frowns slightly. The doctor asks him what's wrong and he answers "Well, could you change it slightly?" "Sure," says the doctor, "what would you like to be different?" "Well, instead of "Dear Mrs. Jones, could you make it say 'To Whom It May Concern'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx26p9/83_year_old_mr_jones/
%
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:
"Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a complimentary pirate's costume. The handkerchief can cover your bald head if you'd like, and with your wooden leg you will be a great pirate.
Very truly yours,
Faye's Costumes"
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a letter, which says:
"Dear Sir:
We are quite sorry about the misunderstanding. Please find enclosed a monk costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Faye's Costumes"
Now the man is really upset, since they have gone from using his wooden leg to using his bald head! So again he writes the company another letter of complaint, being particularly nasty about how they've failed to meet both conditions with their previous attempts. The next week he gets a much smaller package and a note, which reads:
"Dear Sir:
You will find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Faye's Costumes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx245d/a_bald_man_with_a_wooden_leg_gets_invited_to_a/
%
My local Botox clinic closed suddenly today

None of their customers looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx20o0/my_local_botox_clinic_closed_suddenly_today/
%
12 year old boy was in bed...

This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."
So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1xtg/12_year_old_boy_was_in_bed/
%
A hillbilly and a weatherman are talking about the weather.

Hillbilly: We don't need you here. We have the best way to tell the weather.
Weatherman: What is that?
Hillbilly: We have a bucket.
Weatherman: What if it rains?
Hillybilly: The bucket is full of water
Weatherman: What if it snows?
Hillybilly: It has snow in it.
Weatherman: What if there is strong wind?
Hillybilly: The bucket is tipped over
Weatherman: Floods?
Hillybilly: It is going down the road
At this point, the weatherman is getting a little angry and just thought of a way to stump him.
Weatherman: What if there is a tornado?
Hillybilly: A weatherman shows up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1xiz/a_hillbilly_and_a_weatherman_are_talking_about/
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Two strings walk into a bar...

...the bartender says, "What'll it be?". The first string says, "I'll have a gin and tonic#MV*()>SDk+!^ &@P&]JEA&#65535;Segmentation Fault".
The second string says, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1wvi/two_strings_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why should you never wear nuclear underwear?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1w58/why_should_you_never_wear_nuclear_underwear/
%
To understand recursion...

One must first understand recursion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1tjp/to_understand_recursion/
%
A man goes to a doctor, and the doctor begins examining him.

After a short while, the doctor stands up, takes a deep breath, shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to stop masturbating".
"Why?" asks the man.
"Because I'm trying to examine you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1scc/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor_and_the_doctor_begins/
%
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident...

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now what the fuck would you say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1q5a/a_farmer_named_clyde_had_a_car_accident/
%
An American and a Polish farmer are riding the train together through Europe.

Feeling hungry the Polish farmer pulls an apple out of his bag.
American asks:
\- What is that?
\-This? An apple.
\- Ha Ha! Apples in America are 3 times that size.
Some time goes by, Polish farmer wants another snack. He takes a carrot out of his bag.
American asks:
\- What's that sir?
\- This is a carrot.
\- Ha haaa! Carrots in America are 4 times that size!
Couple hours go by, Polish farmer feels hungry again, so he takes a watermellon out of his bag.
American asks:
\- Whoa, what is that?
In a very irritated tone, Polish farmer answers:
\- This?! It's f\*\*\*\*n PEAS!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1ow5/an_american_and_a_polish_farmer_are_riding_the/
%
I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1mxs/i_failed_my_python_breeding_class_because_of_a/
%
Anne is such a great actress.

You might say...she Hathaway with words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1mbh/anne_is_such_a_great_actress/
%
Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.

Turns out it was just another dad choke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1lo4/last_night_at_dinner_i_thought_i_saw_my_father/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1j6r/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
A crow flies into the tent of the ringmaster of an internationally famous circus.

"I hear you're looking for new acts," says the crow in a marvelously clear voice.
The ringmaster blinks a couple of times and says, "Are you talking?"
"Of course I'm talking," the crow replied with a scoff. "I talk, I speak seventeen languages, I sing baritone with perfect pitch. I'm diverse. And my demands are few."
Getting over his shock, he leaned forward in his chair and eyed the crow. "Demands, eh? What could this miracle crow want from me?"
"Well, you see, I love exotic food. I don't get a lot of really good, tasty stuff pecking at garbage cans and floor scraps. People out there just don't understand me, they need context. A circus is just the right place for a talking crow, wouldn't you agree?"
He not only talked, he even rambled a bit, the ringmaster thought. "Yes, of course. You are certainly very special. But what is it that you want from me?"
"I hear that your circus travels the world. I want you to take me with you. Set me up with some good food everywhere we go and I'll make your circus the most famous in history."
That sounded like a good deal to the ringmaster, so he extended a finger toward the crow. "I believe that can be arranged."
The crow smiled (as much as a crow can smile) and took his finger in one  claw, giving it a shake of agreement.
And off they went! In St. Petersburg, the crow wowed the crowd with stories of the old czars in flawless Russian. Night after night, more and more of the citizens came to the circus to hear the incredible crow speak. And waiting for him back at his personal tent every night was a huge plate of pirozhki which he devoured in delight.
In Barcelona, word was beginning to spread about this amazing bird and the crowds grew even larger. In the big top, the crow sang the most tear-jerking old Spanish love songs while one of the other circus performers played the acoustic guitar. When he got back to his tent the last night of the circus, the ringmaster brought by a full paella which he began to peck down in earnest.
In Munich, the crow had the largest crowds they had seen yet rolling with drinking songs, made even funnier because they were of course sung by a crow. Back at the tent, the crow (getting fatter with every stop) impatiently awaited the ringmaster, who entered and sat down a brinming plate of wursts. The crow began to peck them, toss them into the air, and catch them almost swallowing them whole.
"Easy now!" the ringmaster exclaimed. "I don't want come get you for your next packed house and find you talons up with a bratwurst sticking out of your gullet."
The crow ignored him and continued devouring his meal.
When they landed in Rome, the crow, bigger and fatter than ever, amazed the sold-out crowds with Italian arias sang with such beauty that they wept openly. After the show, the crow feasted on not one but three full plates of pasta.
Suddenly the ringmaster burst into his tent. "You are never going to believe this! His Holiness the Pope has requested an audience with you and I tonight! He's heard about this miracle bird and he wants to see you for himself. Incredible!"
The crow flapped his wings in delight! "See, I told you you'd be beyond famous!"
The ringmaster grinned and then quickly frowned as the crow's breath reached him. "Good heavens, how much garlic could you possibly have eaten? You can't address the Pope with breath like that. Here," he said, taking a bag of candy out of his pocket. "Freshen up with one of these and we'll depart for the Holy See."
The crow reached his beak into the bag and fished out a peppermint and without thinking, swallowed it whole. Or, at least, attempted to. The sweet lodged itself in his throat and the ringmaster, having no idea how to Heimlich a bird, watched as his priceless star ran out of breath and keeled over.
"I always thought it would be the sausages or the lobster or the steak," he cried out tearfully. "I never would have thought the real choke would be in the caw mints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1ic4/a_crow_flies_into_the_tent_of_the_ringmaster_of/
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His Native American girlfriend was really shy...

...so, when she came to visit him at college, he hid her away in a hotel pretty far away from his school. He knew how crude his schoolmates could be and it wouldn't do for her to be exposed to such filth as these cretins would be likely to subject her to.
The whole week that she visited, she would stay in the room while he had class. When he was free, they would hang out in the room or even spirit away to the next city over and have a night out, but he was always very careful to never bring her around those animals at his school. He knew they couldn't be trusted and would love to say disgusting things to her or worse!
On the last night of her visit, while studying in the library, he fell asleep. Alone at the hotel, she waited for him, but when hours had passed, she ventured out into the night to find him. She started at his dormitory and that was a mistake. As she wound through the hallways, boys popped out to ogle her. The farther she went into the den of horny young men, the bolder these perverts became.
Here, an ass flashed in the doorway; there, she saw a young man openly stroking his cock! Her skin was too dark to reveal her flush, but she was mortified, and still she looked for him.
Up to the second floor, where the boys were in a lather with this cute young woman in their midst. They laughed as one after another bared their asses to this innocent, shy, young lady. She tried not to look, but when she did, she was surprised to find that she was starting to feel flushed for a different reason. The only sign she gave was that her pace slowed as she looked at all these nude or half nude men showing off for her— even if it was horribly rude.
Meanwhile, in the library, the young man awoke and discovered that he'd overslept. He rushed home, passing his dormitory, just as his lovely Pawnee girl came out the door. When she saw him, she grabbed him by the front of his shirt, pulled him to her and smothered him with kisses. He was surprised, but not unpleasantly. Moments later he was even more shocked when she began to fumble with his belt, and then his zipper.
In the middle of the street on a warm, humid night, she pulled him to the pavement and mounting him, rode his cock until she came, screaming his name to the top of her lungs.
He lay back, gasping for air; she collapsed on top of him. Face to face, breathing heavily he stared at her in awe.
"What happened to you? You have always been so shy!"
She said, "Yes, I was, but that was many moons ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1h2g/his_native_american_girlfriend_was_really_shy/
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Everytime I do something nice for my girlfriend other girls ask "where can I get a man like you?"

Right here baby, I cheat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1eic/everytime_i_do_something_nice_for_my_girlfriend/
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There were three men driving across the desert in a Cadillac.

All of a sudden, the car just stops, so they all get out and start walking. After a little bit, Guy 1 runs back to where the car was left and returns with the hood of the car.
The other two ask, “Why’d you do that?”
Guy 1: “Well, we can hold this over our heads so we don’t overheat!”
Guy 2 & 3: “Oh, that’s smart.”
So they keep walking, with the hood of their car over their heads. After a little bit, Guy 2 runs back to where the car was left and returns with the radiator.
The other two ask, “Why’d you do that?”
Guy 2: “If we get thirsty, we can drink the water in it to stay hydrated!”
Guy 1 & 3: “Oh, that’s smart.”
So they keep on walking, with the hood over their heads and the radiator. After a little bit, Guy 3 runs back to the car where it was left and returns with the door of the car.
The other two ask, “Why’d you do that?”
Guy 3: “Well, if we get too hot, we can just roll down the window!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1bx7/there_were_three_men_driving_across_the_desert_in/
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Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx199l/do_transformers_get_car_insurance_or_health/
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Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory

when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”
“Like what?” Ted said.
“All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said.
“Well what’s yours like?” Ted said.
“Well straight like normal,” Ed said.
“I thought mine was normal \`til I saw yours,” Ted said.
Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants.
“What did you do that for?” Ted said.
“Shaking off the excess drops,” Ed said. “Like normal.”
“Shit,” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx18qv/ed_and_ted_were_standing_at_the_urinals_in_a/
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My linguist friend hates all languages with accents, slashes, or any funny symbols over Latin letters.

He was born a critic, he lived a critic, but he will *never* diacritic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx17f9/my_linguist_friend_hates_all_languages_with/
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My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize! Why would anyone pick on you?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1682/my_son_is_starting_school_soon_and_thinks_the/
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A man named Dom murdered a woman named Ruth.

When in court, they asked him what his motive for killing her was. "Well," he replied, "I want this world to be more Ruth-less."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx14za/a_man_named_dom_murdered_a_woman_named_ruth/
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I was playing chess with my friend from Czechoslovakia, Jakub

He won by putting me in a czechmate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx13f8/i_was_playing_chess_with_my_friend_from/
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What do forklifts and women have in common?

If you don’t have one, you have to unload by hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx1067/what_do_forklifts_and_women_have_in_common/
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I saw a guy wearing a T-shirt with the tag "Life = God + Righteousness"

I hope he understands that it also means; "God = Life - Righteousness" and "Righteousness = Life - God".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0ywt/i_saw_a_guy_wearing_a_tshirt_with_the_tag_life/
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Did you hear that Einstein married his first cousin?

I guess it's just a relative problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0xw7/did_you_hear_that_einstein_married_his_first/
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I never understood school shooting jokes.

I guess they are aimed at a younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0xm4/i_never_understood_school_shooting_jokes/
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My lifelong dream was to fuck a clown...

...I finally did IT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0xfe/my_lifelong_dream_was_to_fuck_a_clown/
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Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle

It was an ether/oar situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0wtz/before_my_surgery_my_anaesthetist_offered_to/
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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0u7f/a_father_and_his_young_son_go_to_a_restaurant_and/
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which sexual position leads to ugly children?

I don’t know ask your mother!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0szx/which_sexual_position_leads_to_ugly_children/
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My wife wants to have kids

There’s no pulling out from this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0pev/my_wife_wants_to_have_kids/
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The chicken and the egg are sharing a post coital cigarette, The egg looks at the chicken and says...

"Well, that answers that old question."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0l1p/the_chicken_and_the_egg_are_sharing_a_post_coital/
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You show me your boobs and I’ll show you my tattoo.

Tit for Tat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0inv/you_show_me_your_boobs_and_ill_show_you_my_tattoo/
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Doctor, before you put me under -

does anyone need anything while I’m out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0iji/doctor_before_you_put_me_under/
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Two fish are in a tank

When one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0fpn/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0foe/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_a_customer/
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How do you respond if someone tells you: “this is an A and B conversation, so why don’t you C your way out!”

Tell them: “to me, it looks like a **D** and **E** conversation, so why don’t you go **F** yourself!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0bw9/how_do_you_respond_if_someone_tells_you_this_is/
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The word "Politics" is derived from two Greek words

"Poly" meaning "many" and "ticks" meaning "blood sucking creatures"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx0ajb/the_word_politics_is_derived_from_two_greek_words/
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What is the stupidest type of steel in the world?

Dumbasscus steel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx08qb/what_is_the_stupidest_type_of_steel_in_the_world/
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What Goes Good On Pie But Not Pussy?

Crust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx07st/what_goes_good_on_pie_but_not_pussy/
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What Is a Computer's Favourite Beat?

An Algorithm!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx07iv/what_is_a_computers_favourite_beat/
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My teacher was mad at me for making Tiananmen Square jokes in class.

So I denied it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bx05ku/my_teacher_was_mad_at_me_for_making_tiananmen/
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Impact of a job change!

One day, a taxi passenger touched the driver on his shoulder to ask for something. The driver screamed, lost control of his car, went up onto the footpath & stopped a few inches from a shop. The passenger apologized & said: "I didn't realise that a little touch would scare you so much".
The driver replied: "Sorry it's not your fault. It's my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwzxha/impact_of_a_job_change/
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We know 6 is afraid of 7 but why is 10 dead?

He was in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwzrs0/we_know_6_is_afraid_of_7_but_why_is_10_dead/
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A Koala was sitting on a gum tree.

Smoking a joint, when a little lizard walked past looked up and said, hey koala what are you doing?
The koala replied, smoking a joint come up and have some.
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned tbat he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then the crocodile asked the little lizard, what's the matter with you?
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala and smoking joints and got too stoned and fell into the river while trying to quench his thirst.
The crocodile said he has to check out this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was about finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, hey you!
The koala looked down at him and said,
Fuuuuucccckkk dude.... How much water did you drink!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwzrpb/a_koala_was_sitting_on_a_gum_tree/
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I'm holding an charity event for people who can't orgasm.

Please let me know if you can't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwznf4/im_holding_an_charity_event_for_people_who_cant/
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To the person who stole my authentic and original copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you and I will kill you

You have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwzjc4/to_the_person_who_stole_my_authentic_and_original/
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Last night me and my girlfriend watched three movies back to back

Luckily I was the one facing the TV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwzfmt/last_night_me_and_my_girlfriend_watched_three/
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A little boy walks into his parents' room.

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwzds9/a_little_boy_walks_into_his_parents_room/
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There were two drunks having an argument outside a bar as to whether the object up in the sky was the sun or the moon.

Another drunk stumbles out, and the first two drunks look at him, and one of them asks “Buddy will you help us out? We are having an argument and we can’t decide who is right… Is that the sun or the moon?”
The third drunk replies “aw I don’t know man, I ain’t from this neighborhood”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwzdfd/there_were_two_drunks_having_an_argument_outside/
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There was a statistician that drowned crossing a river...

It was 3 feet deep on average.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwz3zm/there_was_a_statistician_that_drowned_crossing_a/
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My Top 10 Favorite Jokes

1. I can't wait until we unlock the other 98% of the milk!
2. David lost his ID, now he's just Dav.
3. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter because he's not coming.
4. What do you call a unicorn without a horn? A horse, you idiot.
5. Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.
6. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
7. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson set up a tent and lied down, as they looked up at the stars Sherlock spoke: "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson was silent for a minute before saying: "Well, I see millions of stars." Sherlock nodded and asked: "And what can you deduce from that?" Watson rambled: "Well, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and that there are planets that are quite like ours. If there are planets like Earth it means...."Sherlock stopped Watson: "Watson, you idiot. It means somebody stole our tent."
8. Australians don't have sex. Australians mate.
9. What is the difference between a demon and a demonic potato? One is evil and the other is the root of evil.
10. When women remove polish with chemicals, nobody bats an eye. When Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwz3p6/my_top_10_favorite_jokes/
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So everyone knows why 6 is afraid of 7. Can you answer this, How did 10 die?

It was trapped in the middle of 9-11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwz0ox/so_everyone_knows_why_6_is_afraid_of_7_can_you/
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A Bat's story. (Posting it again)

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwyzzs/a_bats_story_posting_it_again/
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What do walruses and Tupperware have in common?

They’re both looking for a tight seal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwyuyb/what_do_walruses_and_tupperware_have_in_common/
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Extra Spoon

Linda was dining at an incredibly fancy restaurant. It was so posh and refined, Linda was mortified when she knocked her spoon off the table as soon as the waiter delivered her soup. But, without hesitation, the waiter produced a replacement from the pocket of his apron.
"Thanks so much," said Linda. "But I'm curious: why did you have that extra spoon?"
"Well ma'am, we are committed to fast and efficient service here," the waiter replied. "We have studied the restaurant business extensively and found that 90% of dropped utensils are spoons. Just by carrying one extra spoon, a waiter can save two minutes and 47 seconds per shift by not having to return to the kitchen when one is dropped."
"Wonderful!" replied Linda. "Thanks again!" But as she took her first sip of soup, her eyes were drawn a bit lower, to a string hanging out from behind the waiter's apron. Her curiosity got the best of her. "As long as we're talking, I must ask: what is that string for? Is that an efficiency thing too?"
"Delighted you asked, ma'am. As a matter of fact, it is!" The waiter expounded, "As I said, we are committed to fast and efficient service, and studies have shown that the average waiter can save three minutes and 38 seconds each shift if he doesn't stop to wash his hands in the restroom. To that end, each male member of the waitstaff ties a string around his penis. This allows him to extract himself for urination without touching his genitals, removing the need for hand-washing and freeing up more time to wait on tables."
Linda finds the idea off-putting, but the waiter is so very refined and self-assured, she is inclined to accept this strange idea and move on . . . until a natural follow-up question emerges: "That's all well and good, but . . . how do you get your penis back in your trousers once you've finished?"
With a twinkle in his eye, the waiter leans down and confides, "Well, I don't know about anyone else but, between you and me, I use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwyu61/extra_spoon/
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A blonde and a millionaire are on a plane

The millionaire is a very smart guy. He sees the blonde & decides to play a game with her for a quick laugh. He goes up to her, and says:
"Hey let's play a game. I'll ask you a question. If you can't guess it, you give me $5. Then you ask me one, if I can't guess it, I'll give you $10,000". The blonde agrees.
So the millionaire begins, and asks "who was the first president of the United States?". The blonde thinks about it and in the end can't figure it out. So she gives him $5.
The millionaire chuckles. "Okay, your turn" the millionaire says confidently.
"Okay" the blonde says. "What goes up the hill with 3 legs and comes back down with 4?".
The millionaire looks at her & is very confused, and can't figure it out. He starts calling his friends and his family, and goes on the internet trying to desperately get the answer, but to no results.
"Okay, you win" he says, as he gives her $10,000.
"Yes, thank you!" She says.
As she begins to walk away, the millionaire looks at her confused and stops her.
"Hey!" He says.
"Sooo then... what goes up the hill with 3 legs and comes back down with 4?"
"Oh, I don't know" the blonde says. And she gives him $5 and walks away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwythq/a_blonde_and_a_millionaire_are_on_a_plane/
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Why couldn’t the duck cross the road?

Because he got his foot stuck in a quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwys8t/why_couldnt_the_duck_cross_the_road/
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Once upon a time there lived a king of an ancient African tribe.

In this tribe everyone lived in huts made of dirt and grass. Everyone living in the tribe had huts that were only one story high, since no one had the means to build beyond that.
The king, however, being a wealthy and loved ruler, had a hut that was a magnificent two stories high.
Every year on his name day the king would decide that he wanted a new throne and demanded all the best craftsman make him a grand throne as a birthday present.
He would then pick his favorite and, being greedy, would also keep his old throne and all the other runners up and put them on his 2nd floor.
Well eventually, after putting all the various seats up there, the time came when the 2nd floor of his hut gave out and dozens of thrones came crashing down upon the king, killing him instantly.
So what is the moral of this story?
People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwyktc/once_upon_a_time_there_lived_a_king_of_an_ancient/
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I have a lot of unemployment jokes

Unfortunately none of them work...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwyjbn/i_have_a_lot_of_unemployment_jokes/
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A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.

He says, "No, I'm traveling light.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwyjaj/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel_and_is_asked_if_he/
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Why were the police so sure it was the morgue handing out bodies every night?

It was literally a dead giveaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwyir0/why_were_the_police_so_sure_it_was_the_morgue/
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What did the sea say to the shore ?

Nothing it just waved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwyig0/what_did_the_sea_say_to_the_shore/
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Racecar spelled backwards is racecar.

But, racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwyd72/racecar_spelled_backwards_is_racecar/
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We should have known communism wouldn't work.

Way too many red flags!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwyc7t/we_should_have_known_communism_wouldnt_work/
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My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

She’s a Singer songwriter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwy6k3/my_friend_writes_songs_about_sewing_machines/
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American kids are kind

But German kids are kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwy5e3/american_kids_are_kind/
%
I've been donating my used batteries to charities for years now...

Free of Charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwy3ym/ive_been_donating_my_used_batteries_to_charities/
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What Is Worse Than Ants in your Pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwy1rz/what_is_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
What do you call it when a ghost poops?

A spooky dookie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwy0o8/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_ghost_poops/
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One day, a 10 year old girl goes up to her mom and asks, "Mommy, how was I born?"

The mother smiled, and after a short pause, replied, "Once upon a time, Daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took extra good care of it every day. Over time, the seed grew more and more leaves, bigger and bigger, until one day when the beautiful, healthy, full-grown plant was ready to be brought into this world for its intended purpose."
"So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwxzzs/one_day_a_10_year_old_girl_goes_up_to_her_mom_and/
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I asked my mom why she named John

She answered she thought that having a Bible name would help me grow up be a good kid.
I don't think that's how it works though. Because when I was 7 or 8, a kid named Jesus stole my bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwxzk3/i_asked_my_mom_why_she_named_john/
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Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition

: who could render a knot out of a multi-colored suit-tie the fastest. They went on, waited in line, and eventually competed against each other, however in the end they all had the same time.
In summary, tri dyed tire guys tried tying tie-dye ties while direly tired but tied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwxykl/three_men_exhausted_from_selling_colored/
%
Why shouldn't you wear Russian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwxpq6/why_shouldnt_you_wear_russian_underpants/
%
Why’d the blind guy fall down the well?

He couldn’t see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwxpg9/whyd_the_blind_guy_fall_down_the_well/
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Drummer jokes.

What does an unsatisfied wife and any band with a drummer have in common? Both would be better off with a battery operated replacement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwxov0/drummer_jokes/
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Reddit is like a Refrigerator

I keep opening it hoping for something good, but it is just leftovers I don't want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwxmov/reddit_is_like_a_refrigerator/
%
H I

When I read the letters H-I in the alphabet, I thought I had made a friend. But then I read the next two letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwxku2/h_i/
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Why wouldn't the vegetarian moan during sex?

She didn't want to admit that a piece of meat made her happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwxhxu/why_wouldnt_the_vegetarian_moan_during_sex/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwxdbu/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
A man is standing in a bread line in Soviet Russia.

He is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwx9jx/a_man_is_standing_in_a_bread_line_in_soviet_russia/
%
Why Was 6 Afraid of 7?

Because 7 shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwx8qp/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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I searched high and I searched low, in the mattress and under the rugs, then it occurred to me that

only users lose drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwx7dc/i_searched_high_and_i_searched_low_in_the/
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I met a Saudi Arabian girl online, and I think things are getting serious.

She just added me as a friend on Eyebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwx1rg/i_met_a_saudi_arabian_girl_online_and_i_think/
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What's the difference between divorced men and pigeons ?

The pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwwynk/whats_the_difference_between_divorced_men_and/
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

Claude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwwqs8/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_or_legs_who/
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A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into the bank and points at the nearest teller. "You! What's your name?"
"It's Patty," says the teller.
"Last name?"
"Whack. Can I help you?"
"Yeah," the frog says. "My dad is Keith Richards and you're gonna give me a loan. I need $3,000 before I leave today."
"For a loan that big we need some collateral. Do you have anything of value with you?"
The frog pulls out at little glass elephant and sets it down on the counter. "How's that for valuable?"
Patty says, "I need to talk to my boss about this," and takes the glass elephant back to see what the branch manager thinks of all this. "What is this, sir?" she asks in his office.
The branch manager says, "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bww8jc/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank/
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I was in trouble with work for stealing kitchen utensils.

It wasn’t worth the whisk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bww7ms/i_was_in_trouble_with_work_for_stealing_kitchen/
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The other day I punched a white man and got arrested for assault, so when I got out I punched a black man....

and was arrested for impersonating a police officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bww7lz/the_other_day_i_punched_a_white_man_and_got/
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Smoking in the rain !

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bww36x/smoking_in_the_rain/
%
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwvzcz/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling.
Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well.
6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly improper position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9.
6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwvyzi/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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"Your days are numbered."

Ever been so high you dad-joked to a calendar?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwvyxl/your_days_are_numbered/
%
Man invents machine to feel fellatio directly inside the brain

What happens next will blow your mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwvyud/man_invents_machine_to_feel_fellatio_directly/
%
My girlfriend asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.......

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwvyr6/my_girlfriend_asked_me_why_i_was_speaking_so/
%
My doctor told me there'd be side effects from taking Viagra.

He never told me my wife needing a hip replacement would be one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwvtxi/my_doctor_told_me_thered_be_side_effects_from/
%
Joe and the Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."
For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever questioned the quality of his work. He was the best and business was good.
In fact, it was so good that the other carpenters in town, jealous of his success, started to rename their stores to things like "Joe's Woodworking" and "Joe's furniture" in an attempt to steal his business.
Furious with his fellow carpenters, and more than a little hurt, Joe formulated a plan.
"I'll show them." Joe said, muttering to himself. "I'll go to the deepest part of the forest to find the best and most rare wood! Once I have it, I'll craft the most amazing piece of furniture ever built!!! I'll put it right outside my shop, so everyone knows who the rightful Joe is!"
Determined, Joe set off the next day at dawn. He went deeper into the forest than ever before, and then deeper still. After several days of hiking he came upon a clearing with three trees in the center. Amazed, he approached the trees with wonder; the wood was better quality than anything he had ever seen.
"They're magnificent, these are exactly what I needed!!" Joe exclaimed while reaching for his axe.
"Why thank you Joe." Said a gravelly voice. "We have watched you for some time."
"Uh... wh.. who's there?" Asked Joe, brandishing his axe and shaking with fear.
"We are the Ents of the forest Joe, we tend to all the trees throughout our domain." Said another voice, the same yet distinct from the first.
Joe looked up into the trees, trying to find the source of the voices. Gazing into the branches he saw what appeared to be faces in the bark of each of the trees... angry faces. Their eyes were smouldering red, and they had furious scowls that only gnarled wood could produce.
"You've been carving up our brethren Joe. YOU WILL SUFFER." Said the Ents in unison and they attacked Joe with all their fury.
"I didn't know!!! Please, spare me!" Cried Joe, but to no avail.
He was bludgeoned, scratched and beaten, but not defeated. Joe knew wood, he knew it well, and he had all the tools to chop down the toughest of trees. So he mustered his strength, and attacked with everything he had. Chopping, hacking, sawing, and breaking. All the while the Ents screamed at him with wild fury, seemingly possessed. Once Joe had gotten over his initial shock, he realized the trees were fairly slow, and it wasnt hard to avoid their attacks. Finally, after what seemed like days, the battle turned in his favor, yet the Ents continued their attack, even in the face of defeat.
"Please, just calm down." Joe said, exhausted. "I dont want to hurt you anymo-" A branch smacked him in the face, and he chopped it back. "STOP! You guys are living miracles, I dont want to kill yo-" \*Whap\* A small twig hit him right in the family jewels. Enraged and exhausted Joe's mind snapped.
"I said, CALM DOWN! \*chop\* CALM DOWN! \*chop\* CALM DOWN! \*chop\*" Every time he said calm down he chopped again and again with the axe, til nothing was left moving.
"There," he whispered with a crazed look in his eyes "you're calm now."
He started crying and whispering to the dead wood, begging it to talk again and apologizing while kissing the mangled branches.
"You're ok, you're just calm now. I'll take you back home my friends." Joe whispered maniacally.
For weeks Joe dragged the dead Ents back to Arge Oaks. With each passing day he fell deeper into madness, whispering to the wood.
When he finally returned to town, Joe rebuilt the Ents as much as he could and left them in front of his store. They were glorious works of art and the whole town gathered to ask Joe about his trees with faces.
"They aren't trees!" He snapped, his eyes roving crazily around. "They are ents, and they can talk!!"
The crowd looked around uncertainly.
"Well, why aren't they talking?" Yelled a man in the back.
"They are just calm." Said Joe, kissing a trunk and whispering madness. Unnerved, the crowd dispersed.
Joe kept making amazing furniture, better even than he used to, but he kept whispering to the ents and kissing them. Soon enough the people of the town stopped caring about his quirky way with the ents, "It's just part of his wood-working genius" they would say. Life got back to normal.
About a month later a rich land owner came to the small village to commission the famous Joe for a elegant table. Looking around the village he saw three separate carpentry stores with Joe in the name. Baffled, he asked a local where he could find the actual Joe.
The local raised an eyebrow and pointing towards Joe (who was stroking and kissing the rebuilt ents) the local said,
"Here in Arge Oaks, everyone knows that' the real Joe kissin the calm ents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwvrtt/joe_and_the_talking_trees/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You search for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwvqja/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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The bear in our local zoo is losing his eyesight, so the zookeeper decided to try some prescription glasses on him.

It’s quite a grizzly spectacle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwvkae/the_bear_in_our_local_zoo_is_losing_his_eyesight/
%
The best joke EVER

would have a really good punch line here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwvhap/the_best_joke_ever/
%
I'm not sure why everyone is so shocked at Apple's $1000 monitor stand

Just seems like typical Apple grandstanding to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwv7qh/im_not_sure_why_everyone_is_so_shocked_at_apples/
%
What do you call a motorcyclist who questions their sexual orientation?

Bike-curious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwv3jr/what_do_you_call_a_motorcyclist_who_questions/
%
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own question?

I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwuv51/dont_you_hate_it_when_someone_answers_their_own/
%
What didn’t the skeleton go to the dance party?

He had no body to dance with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwuuqg/what_didnt_the_skeleton_go_to_the_dance_party/
%
Children in the backseat can cause accidents...

but accidents in the backseat can cause children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwutzl/children_in_the_backseat_can_cause_accidents/
%
I just found out I’m going to be a dad!

It’s great finally knowing what gender I am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwus5k/i_just_found_out_im_going_to_be_a_dad/
%
According to history, Julius Caesar was so religious...

...that he died a holy man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwupn2/according_to_history_julius_caesar_was_so/
%
In response to his ex-wife taking The Giving Pledge, Jeff Bezos announced he is giving three quarters of his fortune to charity.

Twenty five cents now and fifty cents over the next four years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwuole/in_response_to_his_exwife_taking_the_giving/
%
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwunq8/what_does_the_receptionist_at_a_sperm_bank_say_as/
%
Why doesn't the librarian drive?

He books flights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwunfc/why_doesnt_the_librarian_drive/
%
What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwun35/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
%
Having Sex Is Like Charging Your New SmartPhone

*You can flip over your partner and  it's still  Plug&Play*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwuexe/having_sex_is_like_charging_your_new_smartphone/
%
Seeing Jesus alive three days after they crucified him...

The Romans we're awestruck at his power and decided never to cross him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwueil/seeing_jesus_alive_three_days_after_they/
%
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

One of them stops screwing people when they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwuboc/whats_the_difference_between_a_lawyer_and_a/
%
A young man was walking his date home ...

when they passed by a graveyard. The dusk was settling in and as the shadows were creeping, she locked her arm in his. He turned and asked, "A bit eerie isn't it?"
"Yes, isn't it."
As his hand slides around her waist, he asks, "Getting creepy isn't it?"
She says, "Yes isn't it."
He gropes her bottom as asks, "Gruesome isn't it?"
She replies, "Yes, hasn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwu5nh/a_young_man_was_walking_his_date_home/
%
Apple's New $999 Stand

That's the entire joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwu23q/apples_new_999_stand/
%
Everyone seems to dislike how the new Mac Pro looks

I think this one’s grate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwu22k/everyone_seems_to_dislike_how_the_new_mac_pro/
%
A jumper I got for my birthday kept picking up static electricity.

So I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one.
Free of charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwtz3z/a_jumper_i_got_for_my_birthday_kept_picking_up/
%
When I built my chicken coop, my kid asked me why it had two doors.

I answered, "Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwtvi7/when_i_built_my_chicken_coop_my_kid_asked_me_why/
%
Toronto missed out on an opportunity to call their basketball team the torontosaurus rexes

Boo me, I deserve it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwtplh/toronto_missed_out_on_an_opportunity_to_call/
%
True Story. So my grandpa, my father and I were out on a car ride to the beach when I was 11.

I always loved riding with my grandpa because he told all of his war stories from serving in WWII, and as a kid they were always cool to hear.
We stopped at a stop sign, and a car with 3 asian kids pulled up behind us ( maybe 18/19 year olds) and immediately started blaring the horn. My grandpa simply flips them the bird, and starts checking oncoming traffic. Impatient I guess, the car behind slams their gas and goes around us, yelling “f**k you* as they went by. My grandpa, mumbling and cussing. Just checks traffic and continues on.
About 5 minutes after that, there’s the car that was behind us, in an accident on the side of the road. The kids were outside waving down traffic trying to get help, so my grandpa slowed down and rolled down his window. As we went by, he shouted
“AND THAT’S FOR PEARL HARBOR”
and continued to drive away, laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwtp6j/true_story_so_my_grandpa_my_father_and_i_were_out/
%
A man was sent to Hell for his sins.

As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.
"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwtmp2/a_man_was_sent_to_hell_for_his_sins/
%
A 10 year old girl asks her mom, “Mommy how was I born?”

The mother smiled and replied, “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed.
Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwtlq2/a_10_year_old_girl_asks_her_mom_mommy_how_was_i/
%
Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwtia9/everyone_likes_to_laugh_at_other_peoples/
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Grammar Nazi: Knock Knock.

Me: Who's there?
GN: To.
Me: To who?
GN: To WHOM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwthfs/grammar_nazi_knock_knock/
%
What do the mafia and a pussy have in common

One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwth2f/what_do_the_mafia_and_a_pussy_have_in_common/
%
By and large, the women that are attracted to me...

Are bi and large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwtfut/by_and_large_the_women_that_are_attracted_to_me/
%
Having gay parents must be horrible

You either get twice as many dad jokes or your stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwtf74/having_gay_parents_must_be_horrible/
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On finding his bride to be a virgin,

a newly wedded groom is overjoyed and says, "I wanna kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity for me".
Bride: Kiss my ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwteop/on_finding_his_bride_to_be_a_virgin/
%
Whats green and fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A Pool Table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwteft/whats_green_and_fuzzy_and_would_kill_you_if_it/
%
What do you call a alligator in a vest???

An investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwtdf7/what_do_you_call_a_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
Left some Ritalin in my Ford Fiesta.

Now it’s a Ford Focus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwt9mv/left_some_ritalin_in_my_ford_fiesta/
%
My neighbor with the big boobs has been walking up and down the garden all day.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwt6e5/my_neighbor_with_the_big_boobs_has_been_walking/
%
What makes Trump so good at magic?

Slight of hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwt5nw/what_makes_trump_so_good_at_magic/
%
So here I am hanging out around the house, not wearing a bra, when my husband comes up from behind and grabs my boobs...

"Just trying to support my wife"....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwt5ah/so_here_i_am_hanging_out_around_the_house_not/
%
Whats the difference between a green pea and a chickpea?

I would not pay $500 for a green pea on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwt41g/whats_the_difference_between_a_green_pea_and_a/
%
I was told I have amnesia

But I think I would remember something like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwsyl3/i_was_told_i_have_amnesia/
%
I posted an Asian Neo-Nazi post on Facebook.

It's already got 50 reichs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwsyar/i_posted_an_asian_neonazi_post_on_facebook/
%
What do eating pussy and the mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwsxmh/what_do_eating_pussy_and_the_mafia_have_in_common/
%
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas, or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwsuo1/before_my_surgery_the_anesthesiologist_asked_if/
%
Two muffins were getting baked

One muffin turns to the other and says "Is it, like, really hot in here, or is it just me...?"
The other looks over and shouts "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwsozo/two_muffins_were_getting_baked/
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What do you a call 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room?

100 people that don’t do dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwsoqd/what_do_you_a_call_50_lesbians_and_50_politicians/
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I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand.

It's seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwsohd/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_to/
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I had a driving student who was addicted to braking

He said he could stop whenever he wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwsnmf/i_had_a_driving_student_who_was_addicted_to/
%
I found Shakespeare's old pencil the other day.

It was so chewed I couldn't tell if it was 2B or not 2B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwslkc/i_found_shakespeares_old_pencil_the_other_day/
%
My grandfather started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60

Now he's 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwsj7t/my_grandfather_started_walking_5_miles_a_day_when/
%
A man walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"
The man answers, "Now the problems start!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwsdnr/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_give_me_a_beer/
%
9/11 jokes aren't funny.

The other two are, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bws61d/911_jokes_arent_funny/
%
What do you call an Irishman who likes sitting outside?

Paddy O'chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bws5ep/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_who_likes_sitting/
%
The Apple iCar production has stalled

There’s been a lack of Jobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bws3jo/the_apple_icar_production_has_stalled/
%
A dung beetle walks into a bar

And asks, "is this stool taken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bws381/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two cows are standing in a field

They're chewing away at the grass quietly when one turns to the other and says, "So what do you think of this mad cow disease?"
The other raises his head, eyes red, and shouts, "WHAT DO I CARE? I'M A HELICOPTER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bws272/two_cows_are_standing_in_a_field/
%
My lesbian next door neighbours just bought me a Rolex for my birthday.

I think they misunderstood what I meant when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwrv62/my_lesbian_next_door_neighbours_just_bought_me_a/
%
How do you know when it’s cold outside?

Politicians have their hands in their own pockets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwrs1h/how_do_you_know_when_its_cold_outside/
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What do politicians and sex workers have in common?

They both get paid to screw you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwrrlr/what_do_politicians_and_sex_workers_have_in_common/
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What do you call a person crossing a road in broad daylight, dressed as a clown carrying John Wick's dog?

Anything you want, cos if he's carrying John Wick's dog, he hasn't got much time to live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwro4j/what_do_you_call_a_person_crossing_a_road_in/
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Every time an American makes fun of me for being Canadian

I go to the nearest hospital and get myself  checked for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwrnb8/every_time_an_american_makes_fun_of_me_for_being/
%
What's the similarity between an honest politician and a flying pig

Neither are real

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwrir8/whats_the_similarity_between_an_honest_politician/
%
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwrb9p/what_is_the_difference_between_snowmen_and/
%
Police are searching for a robber who's stealing blunt pencils.

Quite frankly, they cant see the point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwr7jv/police_are_searching_for_a_robber_whos_stealing/
%
If Con is the opposite of Pro

Is Congress the opposite of Progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwr37h/if_con_is_the_opposite_of_pro/
%
My girlfriend

How the fuck can you call me a slag?" Yelled my girlfriend during a fight. "I've only slept with seven men."
"Look, can we finish this when they've gone?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqzil/my_girlfriend/
%
The police are on the lookout for a guy who's going to arts and craft stores and dipping his testicles in the glitter...

...pretty nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqwlm/the_police_are_on_the_lookout_for_a_guy_whos/
%
My lesbian neighbors built their house themselves

Using only tongue and groove lumber. No studs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqtj9/my_lesbian_neighbors_built_their_house_themselves/
%
I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I don't stop singing "I'm a believer" from the Shrek Movie

Then I saw her face...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqth4/i_thought_my_wife_was_joking_when_she_said_shed/
%
[NSFW] Porn:

The only time you don't want the shot to hit the bull's eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqni5/nsfw_porn/
%
A group of thieves have been going around stealing all the toilets in town

Local authorities say they have nothing to go on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqhnr/a_group_of_thieves_have_been_going_around/
%
Dyslexic atheists believe...

... there is no dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqhdd/dyslexic_atheists_believe/
%
Tell the punchline first

How do you tell a time travel joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqh7p/tell_the_punchline_first/
%
A Spanish man saw a snake and was very frightened.

_Hiss._
Panic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqg3u/a_spanish_man_saw_a_snake_and_was_very_frightened/
%
What did people from the Midwest call a small can of pop

A Minnesota

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqf45/what_did_people_from_the_midwest_call_a_small_can/
%
My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqetk/my_mother_used_to_tuck_me_in_every_night/
%
The 6th grade science teacher

, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqdzh/the_6th_grade_science_teacher/
%
What do you call a black guy flying an airplane?

A pilot, you racist fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqdb3/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_flying_an_airplane/
%
My wife tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

But I refused, if I'm going to have sex it's going to be on my own Accord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqcnf/my_wife_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the_hood_of/
%
A man goes to a $2 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker  laughs and says, “What do you expect for two dollars? Lobster?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwqbjs/a_man_goes_to_a_2_hooker_and_contracts_crabs/
%
I love enharmonic tones!

My life would truly A# without them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwq6qx/i_love_enharmonic_tones/
%
Can we please stop with the "that's what she said" jokes?

It's getting way too big and i can't take it anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwq53j/can_we_please_stop_with_the_thats_what_she_said/
%
A man's rear tire falls off his car in front of a mental asylum.

While inspecting he notices that all the lug nuts have broken and fallen off the wheel.
As he sits there desperately trying to find a way to re-attach his wheel to the car, he hears a voice call out to him from behind the fence.
"What seems to be the problem?" says the mental patient.
The man replies, "well it seems all the lug nuts have broken off my tire and I have no way of attaching it back to my car."
The mental patient thinks for a second and tells him, "let's see.. the tires have 4 lug nuts each, if you take one off each tire and use them to attach the fallen tire, you can drive off slowly and go buy yourself the missing lug nuts later, right?"
The man was astonished at this suggestion and said, "Say that's an amazing idea, if you don't mind me asking how the hell are you in a mental asylum ??"
He responds, "I'm in here for being crazy not for being a dumbass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwq4u5/a_mans_rear_tire_falls_off_his_car_in_front_of_a/
%
Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their money,

Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwq1h1/considering_what_bruce_wayne_and_tony_stark_did/
%
Back in my day I used to be able to go to the store with a dollar and get a bag of chips, 2 chocolate bars and a lollipop

But now they have security cameras

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwq0wj/back_in_my_day_i_used_to_be_able_to_go_to_the/
%
Doctor: You will soon be at peace

Me: Am I dying?
Doctor: No your wife is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwpycj/doctor_you_will_soon_be_at_peace/
%
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean...

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned and went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwpwrv/there_was_a_preacher_who_fell_in_the_ocean/
%
My wife bet me $20 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwpunb/my_wife_bet_me_20_that_i_couldnt_build_a_car_out/
%
I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwpswg/i_failed_my_python_breeding_class_because_of_a/
%
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwpspu/a_married_irishman_went_into_the_confessional_and/
%
Welcome to the Premature Ejaculation Club

Alot of you guys came early, cant say im surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwpr9m/welcome_to_the_premature_ejaculation_club/
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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office

I will find you, you have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwpq1a/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office/
%
What did they call the first person to cure HIV

First aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwpnw2/what_did_they_call_the_first_person_to_cure_hiv/
%
Today my son asked me "can I have a book mark?"

I'm so sad that he still doesn't know my name is brian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwpgal/today_my_son_asked_me_can_i_have_a_book_mark/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwpf8x/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
You cannot run in a campsite. You can only ran.

Because it’s past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwp9x5/you_cannot_run_in_a_campsite_you_can_only_ran/
%
Lost my time capsule

I put a lot of time into that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwp845/lost_my_time_capsule/
%
My neighbor with big boobs has been gardening topless all day.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwp74t/my_neighbor_with_big_boobs_has_been_gardening/
%
V

v
looks like my ctrl key is not working...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwp5ft/v/
%
4 guys were discussing how often they have sex.

1: "I have sex with my wife only once a week"
2: "I have sex 2-3 times a week"
3: "I have sex 4 or 5 times. Sometimes even 6 times if she's feeling like it"
4: "I have sex every day of the week"
1: "Really? But you're single."
4: "Wait, weren't we talking about having sex with your wife?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwp53h/4_guys_were_discussing_how_often_they_have_sex/
%
A husband arrives home one day

He says: Honey, I brought home aspirin.
Wife: But I don't have a headache.
Husband: So let's fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwp41e/a_husband_arrives_home_one_day/
%
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwoy5j/whats_worse_than_lobsters_on_your_piano/
%
Why did aliens never come to our solar system?

They saw our ratings...One star.
Yes, this is a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwoxpu/why_did_aliens_never_come_to_our_solar_system/
%
A gay couple traveling on a plane

A gay couple (Jerry and Tom) is traveling on a plane.
"What if we had sex?" asks Jerry.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Jerry stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a napkin, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Tom.
So Jerry and Tom have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwownu/a_gay_couple_traveling_on_a_plane/
%
Friends

I have a friend who's half Indian.
Ian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwowhb/friends/
%
What do you call a prostitute out in the freezing cold?

A frostitute!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwos7i/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_out_in_the_freezing/
%
I reluctantly told my GF today that I've been using soap as lubricant for the past month.

I had to come clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwopkg/i_reluctantly_told_my_gf_today_that_ive_been/
%
So, my twin brother recently called me from prison,

He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwopfz/so_my_twin_brother_recently_called_me_from_prison/
%
"I don't like drama," my ex told me.

Right, bitch has a whole shelf of Shakespeare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwop0r/i_dont_like_drama_my_ex_told_me/
%
Welcome to the premature ejaculation club

A lot of you came early , can’t say I’m surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwofx3/welcome_to_the_premature_ejaculation_club/
%
What do you call a pile of kittens?

A Meowtain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwofaw/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_kittens/
%
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous

I see a few new faces this week and I have to say I'm very disappointed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwoczv/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts_anonymous/
%
Every time I see one of those maps that say “you are here”

I wonder how do they know it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwoclb/every_time_i_see_one_of_those_maps_that_say_you/
%
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwoahl/a_little_girl_and_boy_are_fighting_about_the/
%
Society: Be yourself.

Also society: No, not in that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwoa7k/society_be_yourself/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong sock on this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo9vo/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
For a while now, I always wondered how my parents passed the time in the 80’s and 90’s without social media

I asked my 32 other siblings and they’ve got no idea either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo9v2/for_a_while_now_i_always_wondered_how_my_parents/
%
If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high

\- the door is always open

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo92s/if_anyone_wants_to_come_and_talk_about_why_my/
%
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

They never mention that part to us, do they .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo506/well_if_crime_fighters_fight_crime_and_fire/
%
I once slapped Dwayne Johnson’s butt

I realized that I had just hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo48j/i_once_slapped_dwayne_johnsons_butt/
%
My clothes are all gay..

They came out of the closet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo483/my_clothes_are_all_gay/
%
Good girls go to heaven

Bad girls go wherever the hell they want to!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo3g6/good_girls_go_to_heaven/
%
My grandfather was his army battalion's mime during WW2.

He doesn't like to talk about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo30s/my_grandfather_was_his_army_battalions_mime/
%
Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard.

Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo2wp/grandpa_in_my_day_we_worked_three_times_as_hard/
%
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig.

The F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo2v9/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo2sf/a_blonde_and_a_redhead_have_a_ranch_they_have/
%
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo1j0/what_happens_to_a_frogs_car_when_it_breaks_down/
%
So i had sex while camping..

It was in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo1hm/so_i_had_sex_while_camping/
%
Thanks to the innovative and powerful cheese grater design of the new mac pro...

...People can finally become Mac Cook Pros

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo17t/thanks_to_the_innovative_and_powerful_cheese/
%
A young comedian wanted to make himself famous, so he covered the interior of his house with Jokes

He wrote down every joke he ever knew on a paper each and taped them to everything in his house: the floor, the walls, the couch....etc.
However there was one joke which he thought was lame, so he threw it away somewhere in his house and forgot about it.
The Comedian started inviting some Celebrities to his "joke house" to challenge them to read every joke without laughing.
Surprisingly a number of them showed up, however each of them didn't last the first few jokes on the door without starting to laugh.
The young comedian started to get bored since none of those whom he has invited posed a true challenge to him, however that all changed when he heard a knock on his door and someone said "Pffft such shitty jokes, why does he call himself a comedian?"
He opened the door to find Kevin Hart, knowing that he probably heard every single joke that has been ever made he thought that a joke unique enough to make him laugh and give a good review about him will make his career skyrocket. He was very excited to see him laugh on a joke of his, even if just one.
Kevin read the jokes on the wall, he didn't laugh.
He read those on the table, he didn't laugh.
He read those on the couch, he didn't laugh.
The comedian started growing more nervous by the minute, until Kevin Hart read the very last jokes in the corner of his bedroom, he also didn't laugh.
The comedian was devastated as he wasted his golden opportunity to promote his career, and as Kevin walked through the room to leave the housex he lit his cigarette.
BAM!
The smoke detector went on and water sprays launched causing Kevin hart to become fully wet.
At that moment the comedian was certain his career was done, he went into his closet to bring Kevin Hart some clothes to change into.
When Kevin hart wore the comedian's sweater his back started itching, only to find a paper with a joke written on. It was the comedian's lame joke. The comedian saw that and covered his face in horror. Only to be surprised by the sound of Kevin hart laughing loudly.
Kevin then said "Oh man that was beautiful, the real joke is in the garments"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwo07n/a_young_comedian_wanted_to_make_himself_famous_so/
%
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwnze9/three_guys_go_to_a_ski_lodge_and_there_arent/
%
Apple releases an apple ..

Apple starts selling an apple in the shape of it's iconic logo. People stand in long lines to get the shiny, plastic sealed apples.
One curious customer tears open the plastic seal and finds a dead bug inside. The media gets wind of it and approaches the CEO to get comments.
He says: "It's not a bug, it's a feature"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwny0c/apple_releases_an_apple/
%
Guys I had a nightmare

I dreamed that my Fortnite account got deleted.
I was really scared for a second that I played Fortnite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwnwea/guys_i_had_a_nightmare/
%
I was arrested for stealing utensils

It was worth the whisk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwntor/i_was_arrested_for_stealing_utensils/
%
Two word joke.

Dyslexics untie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwnprn/two_word_joke/
%
I went to a sperm clinic this morning.

The nurse asked me to wank in a cup.
I said, “No thanks. I’m good, but I’m not ready for a tournament.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwnkw7/i_went_to_a_sperm_clinic_this_morning/
%
Staring at my girlfriend's ring, I can't believe it took me months to pluck up the courage to finally ask the big question...

"Can we try anal?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwnkuz/staring_at_my_girlfriends_ring_i_cant_believe_it/
%
I told my friend that I was feeling suicidal. He told me to talk to the mental health clinic for help

They seemed totally against the idea, I guess I’ll do it myself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwnjcv/i_told_my_friend_that_i_was_feeling_suicidal_he/
%
So, a while ago, I was talking to a old piece of wood. I told him a dirty joke...

He was petrified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwnhnz/so_a_while_ago_i_was_talking_to_a_old_piece_of/
%
My wife says she's leaving me due to my obsession with cricket.

I'll be honest, it's knocked me for six.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwnfse/my_wife_says_shes_leaving_me_due_to_my_obsession/
%
I love disobeying my parents

it keeps me grounded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwn9f7/i_love_disobeying_my_parents/
%
I found this really funny joke about fences the other day.

But don't worry, I won't repost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwn9aw/i_found_this_really_funny_joke_about_fences_the/
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I'm glad too!

A woman was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking man, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the man replied, "Yeah, I'm glad it's done too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwn8ub/im_glad_too/
%
Why did the Chinese man bring a toilet to a busy intersection in Manhattan?

Because a tank in the Square helps clear the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwn4ua/why_did_the_chinese_man_bring_a_toilet_to_a_busy/
%
What did the muslim Sonic say after Ramadan ended?

"Finally I don't need to go fast"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwn3lk/what_did_the_muslim_sonic_say_after_ramadan_ended/
%
Comedy is hard. For example:

I tried writing a joke about toilets, but it tanked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwn2sg/comedy_is_hard_for_example/
%
Why do men choose video games over women?

Video games can be beaten without legal consequences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwn0n0/why_do_men_choose_video_games_over_women/
%
A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.
The officer asks the spy,
"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"
The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,
"The Soviets are unbreakable. You can never make me talk!"
The Kapo tells the officer, "he refuses to talk"
The officer stands up, walks out, and comes back a few minutes later, holding a red hot railroad spike with tongs.
Frantically, the Soviet spy asks the Kapo what he is going to do with that. The Kapo asks the officer, who replies,
"Tell him I am going to take this railroad spike, and shove it down his Urethra."
The Kapo tells the Soviet spy "he is going to force that railroad spike down your urethra." The spy responds,
"OKAY, I'LL TALK, I'LL TALK. I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW!"
The Kapo tells the german officer, "He says the Soviets do not fear anything, not even torture."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwmwpl/a_soviet_spy_has_been_captured_in_nazi_germany/
%
John goes to the Postal Ministry for an interview for a job in the Postal Department.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - coffee."
"Have you ever been in the military service?
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
Johnl says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00AM every day."
John is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts. No point you coming in for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwmviy/john_goes_to_the_postal_ministry_for_an_interview/
%
Why is the new Apple monitor stand bound to fail amongst Australian Catholics?

It's priced at $999
[Seen on r/Apple thread]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwmv2q/why_is_the_new_apple_monitor_stand_bound_to_fail/
%
"I like to count girls I slept with to quicker fall asleep"

-Girls? Why wouldn't you be counting sheep instead?
-Oh shut it, it was just one time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwmrk1/i_like_to_count_girls_i_slept_with_to_quicker/
%
A Physicist, a Biologist and a Mathematician are standing at a bus stop.

A bus stops and 5 people get in.
As the bus comes around the next time, 6 people get out.
The Physicist comments:
"That's a measuring error."
The biologist says:
"They reproduced on the way."
The mathematician says:
"If one more person gets in, the bus will be empty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwmqgm/a_physicist_a_biologist_and_a_mathematician_are/
%
I'm thinking of reasons to go to Switzerland

The flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwmpda/im_thinking_of_reasons_to_go_to_switzerland/
%
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camoflage jacket...

You can hide but you can't run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwmp1g/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_that_stole_my/
%
Apple is planning on getting into the electric car manufacturing business.

Only when their cars are finally out in the market for sale, it will be fully autonomous. The steering wheel is optional.  It will be sold separately for $5,000.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwmhk2/apple_is_planning_on_getting_into_the_electric/
%
A lot of people don't like talking about masturbation

it's a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwmbww/a_lot_of_people_dont_like_talking_about/
%
A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a frog and sets the frog at the piano.
Low and behold the frog cracks his little fingers and starts to play!
The barkeep is just blown away by this and agrees that the man can drink for free for the rest of the night.  Meanwhile there is a wealthy business man watching this unfold from a corner, so he gets up and approaches the man sensing a business opportunity.  He says "Excuse me, but I saw your frog and I was wondering if he was for sale?"
The man replies "Sorry the frog is not for sale" and continues sipping his drink.
The businessman offers $10,000 for the frog, which the man again politely declines, followed by offers for $20,000 and $30,000.  Until the business man finally gives up and goes back to his seat.
The man finishes his drink and asks the barkeep "Hey, if I can show you something else even more amazing, would you let me drink here for free any day?"  The barkeep thinking he has seen everythig now readily agrees, what coul dbe more amazing than a playing frog?
Well the man reaches into another pocket and brings out a mouse and puts him on top of the piano.  A few secons lader the mouse starts to sing along with the frog's playing!  The barkeep is absolutely floored by this and again agrees to honour his deal.
The business man also sees this and again approaches the man, he offers $100,000 for the frog and the mouse, which the man again declines.  The business man in a last ditch effort says "OK, what about $100,000 just for the mouse?"
The man takes a sip of his drink and says "Just for the mouse?  Yeah OK"  so the business man cuts him a check right there, and takes the mouse and leaves.
The barkeep says to the man "Are you crazy!?"  A mouse like that has got to be worth 10x that much!  What were you thinking?"
The man calmly sips his drink and replies with a wry smile "The jokes on him, the frog is a ventriloquist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwm9xi/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_down_he_asks_the/
%
What is the male version of telekinesis?

Telekinephews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwm8nc/what_is_the_male_version_of_telekinesis/
%
What does a gay neurosurgeon do?

He blows your mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwm67v/what_does_a_gay_neurosurgeon_do/
%
I was walking home from school when I saw a boy on the curb wearing rags and cloths. I asked "Are you an orphan?" He said "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said "Your Parents"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwm5vb/i_was_walking_home_from_school_when_i_saw_a_boy/
%
The new apple XDR monitor costs $999

Oh wait.....that's for the stand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwm04n/the_new_apple_xdr_monitor_costs_999/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail for the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwlz9s/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
I broke several word records today.

In other news, I am no longer welcome in the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwlser/i_broke_several_word_records_today/
%
What do you call it when a chicken gets its shoulder operated on?

Rotisserie-cuff surgery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwlq0i/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_chicken_gets_its/
%
Do not ever rent an apartment to an ant.

As soon as they sign the lease they then become tenants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwlp8p/do_not_ever_rent_an_apartment_to_an_ant/
%
My dad was in the kitchen chopping onions and I started to cry.

Onions was a good boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwlo80/my_dad_was_in_the_kitchen_chopping_onions_and_i/
%
An orpganage for blind children gets a donation

After the initial happiness had died down, the caretaker steps next to the donator and tells him:
-Sir, they didn't see that coming..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwlndi/an_orpganage_for_blind_children_gets_a_donation/
%
What is the difference between a skirt and a kilt?

Underwear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwlgxv/what_is_the_difference_between_a_skirt_and_a_kilt/
%
Orions belt is a big waist of space

Terrible joke, only three stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwlgvk/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
%
My first marriage was a life-changing event.

My second marriage was simply wife-changing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwlfup/my_first_marriage_was_a_lifechanging_event/
%
My mom became a man, and now I can’t see her anymore

She’s trans parent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwlfpy/my_mom_became_a_man_and_now_i_cant_see_her_anymore/
%
What did the bus say when he was about to orgasm?

IMMA BUSS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwldn5/what_did_the_bus_say_when_he_was_about_to_orgasm/
%
The world used to be flat.

Until they buried yo momma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwlbe7/the_world_used_to_be_flat/
%
I asked Oedipus to play a game...

He says “sure.”
“Okay! Kill, fuck, marry: your mom, your dad, and me.”
“Oh, fuck you.”
“I know.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwlalp/i_asked_oedipus_to_play_a_game/
%
I love jokes about boxing

There’s always a punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwl7il/i_love_jokes_about_boxing/
%
What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwl7ey/what_did_the_left_eye_say_to_the_right_eye/
%
How Long Is A Chinese Man's Name

Really, it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwl75e/how_long_is_a_chinese_mans_name/
%
My friend told me to quit acting like a flamingo....

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwl6mn/my_friend_told_me_to_quit_acting_like_a_flamingo/
%
Everybody seems to like cats on Reddit.

Maybe it's because they sort by mew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwku6s/everybody_seems_to_like_cats_on_reddit/
%
I don’t always give a woman an orgasm...

But when I do, she spits it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwkn4d/i_dont_always_give_a_woman_an_orgasm/
%
So i ordered glass shards on amazon and i got a glass pane

i was shattered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwkken/so_i_ordered_glass_shards_on_amazon_and_i_got_a/
%
What is it called when you reposition your car after failing to park between the lines the first time?

Autocorrect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwkika/what_is_it_called_when_you_reposition_your_car/
%
A guy gets a new car and decides to impress his midget friend.

"See that cliff? I bet you can get to 150 km/h and stop before it!" Says the guy to the midget.
The guy hits 100, 125, 150 and stops exactly before the cliff.
"Did you wet your pants?"
"Yeah, but i bet you i can hit 250 and stop before it."replies the midget
The midget then hits 150, 200, 250 and then asks the guy
"Did you wet your pants?"
"Yeah!"
"Well you can also shit yourself cuz i can't reach the brake pedal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwkhgi/a_guy_gets_a_new_car_and_decides_to_impress_his/
%
When an instagram guy shows you a meme

Lol, I already reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwkfqx/when_an_instagram_guy_shows_you_a_meme/
%
Horrible people keep recommending me winding bike routes

Those goddamn twisted cycle paths.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwkffc/horrible_people_keep_recommending_me_winding_bike/
%
How can you tell if a guy is gay?

If your fucking him in the ass and you reach around and he’s got a hard-on,...definitely gay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwk74o/how_can_you_tell_if_a_guy_is_gay/
%
I bought shoes from a drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwk00m/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it..

So we had some drinks. Cool guy. He's going to run in the Democrat Primary because at this point, why not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwjysi/my_wife_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out_instead_of/
%
Some of y’all might have a stay-at-home mom

But I have a stay-at-the-store dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwjuk0/some_of_yall_might_have_a_stayathome_mom/
%
I made fun of my brother getting a bald haircut

I turned around and saw the rest of the cancer patients staring at me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwjtu0/i_made_fun_of_my_brother_getting_a_bald_haircut/
%
What do you call a fast zombie?

A zoombie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwjqo3/what_do_you_call_a_fast_zombie/
%
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision...

..when he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
“Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”
“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I'll never experience another erection?”
“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwjqas/a_man_enters_the_hospital_for_a_circumcision/
%
What happened to the guy who killed his cat?

He was charged with a feliney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwjnv5/what_happened_to_the_guy_who_killed_his_cat/
%
It’s said the person you love should complete you. If you’re an introvert, they’re an extrovert. If they’re responsible, you’re carefree. If they’re a night owl, you’re an early bird.

As a dude with no ass I can get down with this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwjlu8/its_said_the_person_you_love_should_complete_you/
%
Friends of an old guy hire him a prostitute for his 90th birthday...

She arrives at his door, throws open her coat, and shouts, “I’m here to give you super sex!”
The old man thinks a second and says, “I’ll take the soup.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwjlqn/friends_of_an_old_guy_hire_him_a_prostitute_for/
%
Saw a radio for sale today that said the volume was stuck on loud.

Like damn, I can’t turn that down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwjkpd/saw_a_radio_for_sale_today_that_said_the_volume/
%
I would never vaccinate my kids.

I let my doctor do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwjj3r/i_would_never_vaccinate_my_kids/
%
Which days of the week are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday because the rest of the days are week days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwjgrf/which_days_of_the_week_are_the_strongest/
%
I'm a doctor, and my old secretary was a cannibal. She always ate clients in the waiting room, and one day I caught her in the act.

I fired her then. For the longest time, she was trying my patience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwj2v1/im_a_doctor_and_my_old_secretary_was_a_cannibal/
%
What do you call the Swiss president's airplane?

Tobler One

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwiyy8/what_do_you_call_the_swiss_presidents_airplane/
%
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million .

The  bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? "
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwix6e/a_mafia_godfather_finds_out_that_his_bookkeeper/
%
A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he asks. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but as he’s dialing 911, his young son says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!” The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You bastard!!!” says the husband. “My wife is having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked, scaring the kids?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwisjn/a_man_gets_home_early_from_work_and_hears_strange/
%
Buddy and his wife, Edna, went to the state fair every year, and every year, Edna would say, “Buddy, I’d like to ride in that helicopter”

Buddy always replied, “I know Honey, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair and Edna said ,”Buddy, I’m 85 years old and if I don’t ride that helicopter I might never get another chance.”
To this, Buddy replied, “Edna, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed the pilot turned to Edna and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed.”
Edna replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Buddy fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwionn/buddy_and_his_wife_edna_went_to_the_state_fair/
%
An American, a Hindu, and a Russian land in Purgatory.

A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?" The American steps forward. "Alright, you've got three hours to prepare yourself." The American puts on a full-body Kevlar outfit, gets into a tank, drives it into a concrete bunker, the bunker is covered with 15 feet of dirt and inch-thick titanium plates. The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! The titanium and the dirt are gone. SNAP! The bunker and tank are gone. SNAP! The American howls in pain, the ground opens up under his feet and he drops straight to Hell. "Next!", says the angel. The Hindu steps forward. "You've got three hours to prepare yourself." / "I need only five minutes. I have studied Yoga all my life and can make myself immune to all pain." The Hindu gets into a lotus position, hums mantras for a few minutes, and rises a couple of inches off the ground. The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! The Hindu is completely unfazed. "Hmm, impressive. Alright, you're free to go." / "Thank you, but only after I see how this last one makes it out of this", says the Hindu, looking at the Russian. / "Your call." / The angel turns to the Russian: "What are you going to shield yourself with?" "With the Hindu of course."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwiolh/an_american_a_hindu_and_a_russian_land_in/
%
Just spent $500 on a limousine and discovered that the fee does not include a driver

Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwinje/just_spent_500_on_a_limousine_and_discovered_that/
%
Why didn't the neanderthal at the gay orgy have a hard on?

He wasn't a Homo erectus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwijxo/why_didnt_the_neanderthal_at_the_gay_orgy_have_a/
%
Once upon a time, there was a duo called Nathaniel and Claire.

They considered themselves like Bonnie and Clyde, except better. Being a duo of robbers, they went around the country stealing money from small banks. They were also ruthless and had no morals at all.
One day, they assaulted a homeless man on the street for asking money from them. "How dare you ask money from us!" They pushed him onto the ground and beat him with their fists. The bad news was, the poor man suffered lots of cuts and bruises and even a concussion. The good news was, the entire country knew where Nathaniel and Claire were now.
The cops were immediately sent to catch the duo. Within seconds, one cop was already on the scene, shouting "Hands up!" over and over. The duo ran from the cop and went to a hot, stinky tunnel infested with rats.
"Claire, where are you going?"
"This way to freedom! There's a bike at the end of this tunnel that we can ride to freedom!"
There was no time to lose! They ran through the tunnel, panting and sweating, and reached the end of the tunnel. The bike was there, just as Claire had said. The two got on the bike and started the engine.
Nathaniel said, "I think the police argon."
Just then, a cop stepped through a door in the side of the tunnel and pointed his gun at them.
"I'm taking the two of you in for a salt!"
"You'll never catch us alive, copper!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwicq9/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_duo_called_nathaniel/
%
Its 1938 and a German officer went to France for a holiday.

At the border the French staff looked at his papers and asked : "Occupation? "
The German replied:  "No, no, no, just visiting this time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwia84/its_1938_and_a_german_officer_went_to_france_for/
%
My wife and her boss won the lottery..

Me: Honey I see you got a new gucci bag, where'd you get it?
Wife: My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings
*next day wife comes home with new ring
Me: that's a great new ring you have on today. Where  did you get this?
Wife: my boss and I spent some of our leftover winnings on another ticket and won again! Used my half of the winnings to treat myself again
*the 3rd day wife drives home in new Ferrari
Me: let me guess...you and your boss won the lottery again?
Wife: yes!! Isn't our luck just so unbelievable right now?? All of this winning has wiped me out mentally. Could you do me a huge favor and fill the bath for me so I can relax?
Me: anything for you
*wife comes up to see the bathtub filled with only an inch or two of water
Wife: honey how is this gonna work... You need to fill it with way more water than this
Me: we don't want to get your lottery ticket wet now do we?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwi6gc/my_wife_and_her_boss_won_the_lottery/
%
What do you call a random piece of bread?

A naan-sequitur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwhvut/what_do_you_call_a_random_piece_of_bread/
%
Why Was the Blond Mathematician's Fly Open?

Just in case he needed to count to 11.
A very old joke, but sharing on the chance there's anyone who hasn't heard it before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwhtp2/why_was_the_blond_mathematicians_fly_open/
%
I just planted emo grass.

Ignore it and it cuts itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwhr16/i_just_planted_emo_grass/
%
I caught my brother haggling with a prostitute.

I guess he wanted more bang for his buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwhnjd/i_caught_my_brother_haggling_with_a_prostitute/
%
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwhkci/did_you_hear_about_the_thief_that_preferred/
%
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

Because he ate his food *before it was cool*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwhjxn/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
A statistician drowned in a pool that was 3 foot deep

on average.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwhigq/a_statistician_drowned_in_a_pool_that_was_3_foot/
%
The person who killed Hitler is my hero.

Shit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwhhgx/the_person_who_killed_hitler_is_my_hero/
%
Where is General Vicinity?

He’s somewhere nearby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwhevr/where_is_general_vicinity/
%
Fuck the Police

An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwhdwo/fuck_the_police/
%
What does a robot do after sex?

Nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwhb9p/what_does_a_robot_do_after_sex/
%
Q: How are women and rocks alike?

A: You skip the flat ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwhb8o/q_how_are_women_and_rocks_alike/
%
To the woman on I-95 with a pro-life sticker on the back of your minivan:

Your driving determined that was a lie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwh9bk/to_the_woman_on_i95_with_a_prolife_sticker_on_the/
%
My doctor told me to start killing people

Well, his exact words were "you need to start eliminating the stress in your life".
Whatever, same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwh822/my_doctor_told_me_to_start_killing_people/
%
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwh631/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
If at first you don't succeed...

Don't try skydiving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwh554/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

They don’t. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwh0vm/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
I was walking home from school, as I was walking I came across a boy wearing rags and cloths. I asked "Are you homeless?" He said "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said "Your parents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwgsd0/i_was_walking_home_from_school_as_i_was_walking_i/
%
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, She's back
She just went to make a cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwgmi5/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
Why to do a research before buying fireworks?

To get the best bang for your buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwgiw0/why_to_do_a_research_before_buying_fireworks/
%
No Respect

My doctor said  "Stop eating anything fatty."
I said "What? No bacon, no chips?"
He said "No fatty, stop eating anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwggru/no_respect/
%
What did the wind turbine say to his favorite avenger

Wow, I am I huge fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwgb85/what_did_the_wind_turbine_say_to_his_favorite/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwg58e/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I spent the whole yesterday making a belt out of watches,

It was a complete waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwg56r/i_spent_the_whole_yesterday_making_a_belt_out_of/
%
What did Zeus say to Atlas?

Hold up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwg3nh/what_did_zeus_say_to_atlas/
%
I should be less condescending...

That means talking down to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwfzg5/i_should_be_less_condescending/
%
They made a movie about my favorite fruit!

It's called Rocketman, you should go see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwfz7a/they_made_a_movie_about_my_favorite_fruit/
%
What do you call a potatoe that mimics a tomatoe?

An ImiTATOR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwfz2k/what_do_you_call_a_potatoe_that_mimics_a_tomatoe/
%
Hot teachers

Me: Man, I had some hot teachers growing up.
My friend: Ya, me too!
Me: My 5th grade teacher was banging! How about you
My friend: When I look back, my 1st grade teacher was really hot
Me: Wait, werern't you home schooled in first grade?
My friend: . . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwfyrf/hot_teachers/
%
Anyone can bring a smile to your face

Especially when you push them down the stairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwfvne/anyone_can_bring_a_smile_to_your_face/
%
Jokes about a woman's menstural cycle are not funny

Period!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwfuag/jokes_about_a_womans_menstural_cycle_are_not_funny/
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving

But you do need one to go skydiving twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwft5o/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church.

"Get out!", said the priest.
"But without me, how can you have mass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwfqj4/a_higgs_boson_walks_into_a_catholic_church/
%
3 Stages Of Sex in Marriage

Stage 1 - Honeymoon Sex - you have just gotten married and you two have sex constantly.
Stage 2 - Birthday Sex - you have been married a while and now only have sex on Holidays and Special Occasions.
Stage 3 - Hallway Sex - after a long time being married when you two pass each other in the hallway you just say "Fuck you" to each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwfpca/3_stages_of_sex_in_marriage/
%
As I passed by my son's bedroom, I heard him praying

"God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Hamburg the capital of Germany."
"Son," I said  "Why do you want Hamburg to be the capital of Germany?"
He looked at me and replied "Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwfocl/as_i_passed_by_my_sons_bedroom_i_heard_him_praying/
%
Why was algebra so easy before Arabic numerals?

Because X was always 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwflyb/why_was_algebra_so_easy_before_arabic_numerals/
%
The class had to write a short, rhyming, two-lines poem as homework.

Lisa stands up and proudly recites :
*Yesterday, my Dad and I we went to town*
*And I got a nice blue bike of my own.*
"That's a lovely poem, Lisa!" says the teacher.
Now it's Timmy's turn. He stands up and recites theatrically :
*When october gets cloudy and when heavy rain falls,*
*I love to jump into poodles, water up to my ankles.*
The teacher looks perplexed. "But that's not rhyming, Timmy!
Timmy looks down and replies sadly :
"I'm sorry Teacher. There wasn't enough water."
\[Edit : replaced "knees" with "anlkes". otherwise, indeed, "poor dogs"\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwflhl/the_class_had_to_write_a_short_rhyming_twolines/
%
I wanted to attend the seminar on vomit control.

Unfortunately, something came up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwfjk2/i_wanted_to_attend_the_seminar_on_vomit_control/
%
I’m trained to deliver babies.

I’m pretty good at it, but I’m still not sure what I’m supposed to do with the liver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwfiba/im_trained_to_deliver_babies/
%
A neutron walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

"How much do I owe you?" asks the neutron to the bartender.
"For you sir, there is no charge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwfgvg/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
%
What did the priest say when their toilet broke?

Holy shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwf3ej/what_did_the_priest_say_when_their_toilet_broke/
%
So there was a women who put out an ad for a husband...

...the ad specified that he must be handsome, not beat her, not walk all over her, and have a big penis. The next day she heard her doorbell ring, there was a man with no legs and no arms. The women asked, "can i help you?" the man says, " im here from the ad."
"I have standards you know." the women replied. The man said, " well i think im pretty handsome, i have no arms so i can beat You, and i have no legs so i cant walk all over you."
The women asked, "what about the fourth specification?" the man asked back, "how do you think i rang the doorbell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwerac/so_there_was_a_women_who_put_out_an_ad_for_a/
%
You known you're stoned when you try to put a poppadom in the DVD player.

Your know you're really stoned when a Bollywood movie starts playing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwepse/you_known_youre_stoned_when_you_try_to_put_a/
%
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bweo9n/my_girlfriends_dog_died_so_i_tried_to_cheer_her/
%
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwenty/what_is_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
When I was little, I cried when my parents told me the sky was the limit...

I wanted to be an astronaut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwele6/when_i_was_little_i_cried_when_my_parents_told_me/
%
Yo mama so fat

We all are seriously concerned about her health

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bweisc/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
A man was outside smoking a cigarette when a young lady walked up to him.

The young lady says
“You know those will kill you right”
The man says
“Maybe, but my grandmother lived to be 98 years old”
The young lady, blown away by this statement says;
“And she smoked?!”
The man says;
“No, but she minded her own fucking business”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bweeol/a_man_was_outside_smoking_a_cigarette_when_a/
%
What do you call a Spanish person who masturbates

A cumquistador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bweenp/what_do_you_call_a_spanish_person_who_masturbates/
%
As I was watering the plants, my wife told me

"After you are done watering the plants, we need to talk about what I saw on your phone".
It's been 4 days, and I'm still watering the plants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bweczo/as_i_was_watering_the_plants_my_wife_told_me/
%
Where did the computer hackers go?

I don't know, they ransomware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwecln/where_did_the_computer_hackers_go/
%
Why is it impossible to have two docks?

Because that would be a pair a' docks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwebhe/why_is_it_impossible_to_have_two_docks/
%
God walks in on his son masturbating

"Jesus fucking Christ!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bweank/god_walks_in_on_his_son_masturbating/
%
Putin summons the ghost of Stalin.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "what should I do to fix my country?"
"Execute the government and paint the Kremlin blue" says Stalin.
"Why blue?" asks a perplexed Putin.
"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part" says Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwe8mf/putin_summons_the_ghost_of_stalin/
%
how do you make someone click on your post?

Like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwe6fm/how_do_you_make_someone_click_on_your_post/
%
I heard billy Mays liked to party

I bet he's partying in heaven like its $19.99.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwe2vm/i_heard_billy_mays_liked_to_party/
%
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician all walk into different rooms, each containing a bucket of water and a garbage can that is on fire.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.
The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he needs to extinguish the fire, carefully measures it from the bucket, and puts out the fire, not a drop wasted.
The mathematician walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He looks back at the fire, then back at the bucket. He throws his arms into the air and exclaims “A SOLUTION EXISTS!!!” and walks out of the room.
Two weeks later, the statistician is charged with several counts of arson. When questioned by the police, he says “I saw a fire and didn’t know what to do so I increased my sample size”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwe1py/an_engineer_a_physicist_a_mathematician_and_a/
%
I want to be a puppeteer so I bought this book for beginners.

It’s called: Ventriloquism for Dummies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwdvrw/i_want_to_be_a_puppeteer_so_i_bought_this_book/
%
What was the newspaper headline after the midget psychic robbed a bank?

Small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwdurd/what_was_the_newspaper_headline_after_the_midget/
%
How do you know if a hippy has been to your house?

He's still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwdj9r/how_do_you_know_if_a_hippy_has_been_to_your_house/
%
3 men are arrested...

Three men; a Russian, a swede, and a German have been arrested, and they've all been given a 6 month sentence.
Their warden however, is friendly and grants them all a 6 month supply of anything they want.
Upon hearing this, the Russian man jumps up in joy,
"I'll have some vodka!"
the German man isn't quite as excited, but he's still visibly happy,
"I will take zom beer, danke"
The swede scratches his non existant beard for a moment, before rising up,
"of course, I'll need cigarettes!"
The warden writes everything down, and brings the men everything they requested, before locking the men in their cells.
With something that they all enjoy, the six months pass by quite quickly for them.
........
Upon their release day, the German man, being punctual, is the first one to wake up an yelling over to the warden, soon walking out of his cell with his last beer in hand.
The Russian man isn't too demanding, as he gets out of his cell dancing trepak.
The swede, upon getting out of his cell, lets out a deep sigh as he look towards his friends,
"either of you got a light?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwdgxu/3_men_are_arrested/
%
Hitler and Stalin go straight to hell after their death. There, they meet God.

God asks Hitler how many women he had relations with ?
Hitler replies ,” one ,only one.”
God gives him the keys to a brand new Mercedes for his loyalty.
God asks the same question to Stalin and is met with the answer of 7-8 women. The good not happy with this answer gives Stalin an old and rusty Ford model T.
After some time, Stalin is taking a ride in his car, he hears Hitler laughing at him. Frustrated with Hitler’s laughter, he goes up to him and says ,”stop laughing at me.”
Hitler responds,”  I wasn’t laughing at you. I just saw the pope wheezing by on roller skates.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwdguu/hitler_and_stalin_go_straight_to_hell_after_their/
%
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwd7wd/what_do_you_call_a_musician_without_a_girlfriend/
%
My sister is going put her grades up for adoption.

When I questioned her about it, she said, "Well, I can't raise them myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwd7hs/my_sister_is_going_put_her_grades_up_for_adoption/
%
I like to spend my summers by volunteering to help blind children

by the way verb, not adjective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwd7d5/i_like_to_spend_my_summers_by_volunteering_to/
%
As President, I will have only one policy: The banning of all pre-shredded cheese.

I will make America GRATE again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwd6al/as_president_i_will_have_only_one_policy_the/
%
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2.00 and that Continues for a year.

Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $1.50
“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”
A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $1.00
“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor.
“First you give me $2.00 every day, then $1.50 and now only $1.00 What’s the problem?”
“Well,” the man says,
“last year my eldest son went to university. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut the costs.
This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”
“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.
“Four,” the man replies.
“Well,” says the beggar,
* * * * * * * *
“I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwd3ix/a_man_walks_past_a_beggar_every_day_and_gives_him/
%
My job is important.

Literally, I import ants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwcxw8/my_job_is_important/
%
Pablo Escobar was finally caught after being snitched on by a gang of local children.

His last words were "and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those Medellín kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwcx1s/pablo_escobar_was_finally_caught_after_being/
%
I was peacefully making an unboxing video when suddenly everybody around started thrashing me.

Guess nobody knows the trend around here at the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwcufi/i_was_peacefully_making_an_unboxing_video_when/
%
At least we can all thank the president for making so many new jobs

I've got 3 of them now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwct6d/at_least_we_can_all_thank_the_president_for/
%
A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwcs58/a_plastic_surgeon_at_johns_hopkins_just_performed/
%
What did chlorine say to iodine when they were playing minecraft?

Bromine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwcs2u/what_did_chlorine_say_to_iodine_when_they_were/
%
My wife just screamed at me, “You haven’t been listening to a single word I’ve said!”

What a weird way to start a conversation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwcn1n/my_wife_just_screamed_at_me_you_havent_been/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey
(As seen on Tumblr)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwclu9/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They hold on the bulb, and the world revolves around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwck7f/how_many_actors_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What’s the difference between an insurgent and a civilian?

I don’t know, I’m just the drone operator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwcavg/whats_the_difference_between_an_insurgent_and_a/
%
Whats the best thing about Switzerland ?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwc7wp/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
I entered a wet T-shirt contest, and everyone couldn't help but stare at me

I just swallowed my fourth wet t-shirt, so I must be winning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwc5pn/i_entered_a_wet_tshirt_contest_and_everyone/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world...

Those who understand binary, and those who don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwc5cy/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
What do you get when you cross king Midas, Medusa and Sigmund Freud?

One stone gold motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwc4l3/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_king_midas_medusa/
%
R.I.P boiled water

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwbxkf/rip_boiled_water/
%
A man decided that he wanted to learn how to scuba dive.

He spent weeks getting certified, and hundreds of dollars on all of the top of the line equipment he could get - fins, a wetsuit, a mask, and even a waterproof notebook with a pen that could write underwater.
When he finally got down underwater for the first time, he was surprised to see a man sitting on a rock with nothing except a bathing suit. He furiously took out his waterproof notebook and started writing, “how is this possible?? They told me I had to spend all this time and all this money preparing for this dive, and you are doing it with nothing??”
The man wrote back, “I’m drowning”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwbwf6/a_man_decided_that_he_wanted_to_learn_how_to/
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I saw my son playing with a used diaper while the AC was on

It was all fun and games untill shit hit the fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwbued/i_saw_my_son_playing_with_a_used_diaper_while_the/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwbtqb/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
An air crash

occured yesterday. A light plane, Cessna 172 has crashed into a cemetery. The authorities have dug for 20 hours. 300 dead and still counting...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwbrpe/an_air_crash/
%
If a guy has a foot fetish and then cheats on his wife...

...does that mean that he got off on the wrong foot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwboy2/if_a_guy_has_a_foot_fetish_and_then_cheats_on_his/
%
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwbmwy/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
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Why didn't the life guard save the hippy?

He was too far out man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwbkvl/why_didnt_the_life_guard_save_the_hippy/
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"IT'S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!"

It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwbghh/its_a_boy_i_shouted_tears_rolling_down_my_face_i/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar

The first walks up to the bartender and says “I’ll have an H2O”. Bartender gives him his drink. The second chemist walks up and says “I’ll have an H2O too”. The second one dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwbakf/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How does bread greet each other in the morning?

Gluten tag!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwba1t/how_does_bread_greet_each_other_in_the_morning/
%
What does a MILF taste like?

Umami!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwb9mm/what_does_a_milf_taste_like/
%
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

A comma is a pause at the end of its clause, while a cat has claws at the end of its paws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwb7y2/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
%
What did the fish say as he hit the wall?

DAM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwb5fj/what_did_the_fish_say_as_he_hit_the_wall/
%
What's the differnce between Donald Trump and an iPad?

Trick question, you shouldn't compare apples and oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwb5f7/whats_the_differnce_between_donald_trump_and_an/
%
My girlfriend cant wrestle worth a damn

But you should see her box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwb3x4/my_girlfriend_cant_wrestle_worth_a_damn/
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The first sentence you should learn when learning a foreign language...

my friend is paying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwb2co/the_first_sentence_you_should_learn_when_learning/
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The Redhead [Long]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a **wonderful time**.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . .
"You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwavzf/the_redhead_long/
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Hyphenated

.
Non-hyphenated.
Oh, the irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwav05/hyphenated/
%
A guy was arrested and charged by the police for killing a number of vampires.

Yeah, they've got him on three counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwau2z/a_guy_was_arrested_and_charged_by_the_police_for/
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I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 28.

28 kids are way too much by any standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwau1u/i_dont_think_women_should_be_allowed_to_have_kids/
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Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, "Are you ill?"

The second byte replies, "No, just feeling a bit off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwapba/two_bytes_meet_the_first_byte_asks_are_you_ill/
%
Why was the JavaScript developer sad?

Because he didn't Node how to Express himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwaoph/why_was_the_javascript_developer_sad/
%
What do you call an alligator with a vest?

An investigator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwaocp/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_with_a_vest/
%
Why did the atheist sue God?

He knew he'd never see him in court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwamea/why_did_the_atheist_sue_god/
%
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwal2x/what_do_you_throw_to_a_drowning_lawyer/
%
Your taste buds change every month. Want proof? Follow these steps.

1. Take a piece of bread or a fruit of your choice.
2. Take a bite of said food.
3. Wait a month.
4. Take another bite of that *same* piece of food.
If all goes correctly, you should have tasted something different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwadg3/your_taste_buds_change_every_month_want_proof/
%
The teacher asks Billy, “If there are 5 birds on the fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”

Billy says, “None, because the others would fly away.”
“The answer is 4, but I like the way you think,” says the teacher.
“Now I have a question for you,” says Billy, “If there are 3 women eating ice cream cones, and 1 is licking, 1 is biting, and 1 is sucking, which one is married?”
The teacher nervously answers, “Ummm, the one sucking?”
“The answer is the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwaci9/the_teacher_asks_billy_if_there_are_5_birds_on/
%
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day;
anal sex makes your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwaa1i/whats_the_difference_between_oral_sex_and_anal_sex/
%
Doctor doctor, my husband was admitted into the hospital for involuntary buttock spasms. Where is he?

ICU, baby, Shakin' that ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bwa5r8/doctor_doctor_my_husband_was_admitted_into_the/
%
A man is on a business trip in Japan, but he doesnt know any Japanese.

He only knows 1 word, and that word is hoshimota. He doesnt know what it means, but he heard it somewhere.
He gets bored in his free time, so he decides to go to a club and try to pick someone up. He ends up succeeding and bringing a girl home, and they have sex, all the while she is screaming and yelling, "hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He figures he must be doing a good job.
The next day in his free time, he goes golfing with a japanese friend he met on the trip, and he gets a very good shot, a hole in one! Not really knowing what to say, he just yells, "hoshimota!" Assuming it was a good thing.
The Japanese man turns to him and says, "what do you mean, 'wrong hole?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9zhp/a_man_is_on_a_business_trip_in_japan_but_he/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Don't know and don't fucking care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9zdd/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?

Something inside of me says yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9yqh/does_my_thai_girlfriend_have_a_penis/
%
How do you call two boobless chicks living together?

Flatmates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9x2p/how_do_you_call_two_boobless_chicks_living/
%
Double Homicide

A double-homicide defendant is in court.
The Judge says to him "You've been charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice in the back of the courtroom yells out "YOU BASTARD!"
The Judge then adds "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The same voice in the back of the courtroom yells "YOU ROTTEN BASTARD!”
The Judge stops and speaks to the back of the courtroom "Sir, I can understand your anger and outrage at these crimes, but please refrain from any more outbursts or I will have to have you removed from my court!”
The man stands and says “I'm sorry your honor, but for fifteen years I have lived next door to that asshole and every time I asked him if I could borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9w18/double_homicide/
%
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9vtw/i_walked_in_on_my_girlfriend_having_sex_with_her/
%
My girlfriend asked me why I was speaking so softly at home

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9plu/my_girlfriend_asked_me_why_i_was_speaking_so/
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The Wonderful Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2015
Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$128,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.'
MAN: 'well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so sweet!'
MAN: “You’re worth it. 'Bye!'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths agape.
The wonderful husband turns and asks: "Anybody knows whose phone this is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9oym/the_wonderful_husband/
%
It's okay password

I'm insecure too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9n5y/its_okay_password/
%
I used to be addicted to soap,

But I’m clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9lnr/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
The other night a played a blank CD on full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9frq/the_other_night_a_played_a_blank_cd_on_full_blast/
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My brother who has been blind since birth wanted to tell you his joke

isjoehfsfhs ishenjenbue usjdf uiegfenrsaf fs;j fjpiefjseflitgeo piowe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9f0l/my_brother_who_has_been_blind_since_birth_wanted/
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What's the difference between me and Cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9dl8/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
Just to make things clear....

I am going to put on my glasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9cr8/just_to_make_things_clear/
%
My friend told me to stop singing Oasis in public

I said maybe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9b0v/my_friend_told_me_to_stop_singing_oasis_in_public/
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Why is india such a peaceful country?

There is no beef there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw99xm/why_is_india_such_a_peaceful_country/
%
Today is Rafael nadals birthday.

I would have bought him somehting, but he returns everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw99gv/today_is_rafael_nadals_birthday/
%
I asked the guy in the shoe shop if they sold any running shoes.

He said, "No, they're all stationary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw9947/i_asked_the_guy_in_the_shoe_shop_if_they_sold_any/
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"Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm?"

"Nope, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw98bm/do_you_tell_your_husband_when_you_have_an_orgasm/
%
There’s a couple ways to stop an orgy

All you have to do is wait until it gets quiet and say “ew”
Credit:Dave Chappelle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw97h8/theres_a_couple_ways_to_stop_an_orgy/
%
Breaking news: statistics shows that female drivers are turning into good drivers

So for the good drivers out there, watch out for female drivers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw96po/breaking_news_statistics_shows_that_female/
%
What does a pig say on a hot summer day?

"I'm bacon out here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw96ll/what_does_a_pig_say_on_a_hot_summer_day/
%
My mate said he’s just bought his wife a 24 carat gold vibrator for her birthday.

I think he must be going soft in his old age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw955t/my_mate_said_hes_just_bought_his_wife_a_24_carat/
%
What do you give a dog with a fever?

Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw93qv/what_do_you_give_a_dog_with_a_fever/
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What did the death-row inmate say to the soft-spoken governor?

I beg your pardon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw931t/what_did_the_deathrow_inmate_say_to_the/
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Gravitational mass is identical to inertial mass.

That is, the amount of inertia something has and the amount of gravity it has are effectively the same. What's interesting is that there doesn't seem to be any reason this should be true. One could imagine a really large object with lots of resistance to force, and no gravity (or vice versa), but this is never observed.
You know what ? I'm just gonna skip the rest of the buildup and say it. Yo mama's Fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw8ym7/gravitational_mass_is_identical_to_inertial_mass/
%
A roll of duct tape walks into a bar. Bartender, polishing up a glass, asks politely: “What can I get you?”

The duct tape looks around, thinks for a moment and says,  “I think I’ll just stick to my usual.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw8wob/a_roll_of_duct_tape_walks_into_a_bar_bartender/
%
An old couple is having their breakfast.

The old lady turns to her husband and says
"Oh honey, look at us, having breakfast like that. The same way we did when we were first married 50 years ago"
"Yes it is great" says the old man
"However, back then we were having breakfast naked. How about we do that again?"
The man agrees and they both remove their clothes and continue their breakfast naked
"Remember how we were naked and I used to sit on your lap? I want to do that again" says the old lady.
The old man nods and she sits on his lap.
Then the lady says
"you know what, it may have been 50 years since we got married, but my nipples are still burning for you my love"
Then the old man says
"That's because they are now hanging and have dropped inside my cup with the hot tea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw8v63/an_old_couple_is_having_their_breakfast/
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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw8sph/apparently_29_of_pet_owners_let_their_pet_sleep/
%
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw8sms/i_asked_a_pretty_young_homeless_woman_if_i_could/
%
Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw8slh/hear_about_the_baker_who_did_some_shady_shit_just/
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"On a scale of one to ten..

..how bad is your headache?" asked the doctor.
"It's π.", said I.
..."π?"
..."Yes. Low-level, but never ending."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw8kdz/on_a_scale_of_one_to_ten/
%
Went to a disco for the blind.

I danced like nobody was watching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw8j1b/went_to_a_disco_for_the_blind/
%
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw8i1d/late_one_night_a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
%
How does Thor power his appliances?

With a lightning Adapter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw8esa/how_does_thor_power_his_appliances/
%
What do you call a Scandinavian porn director?

Pjorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw8dyx/what_do_you_call_a_scandinavian_porn_director/
%
When she was growing up everybody laughed at Amy Schumer because she wanted to become a comedian....

nobody is laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw88r4/when_she_was_growing_up_everybody_laughed_at_amy/
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Can we please stop making penis jokes?

That shouldn't be too hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw88dr/can_we_please_stop_making_penis_jokes/
%
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw87bq/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
Why does C++ have no garbage collector?

Because nothing would be left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw8769/why_does_c_have_no_garbage_collector/
%
I love bring your son to work day

My mum's a stripper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw837u/i_love_bring_your_son_to_work_day/
%
What did people call the knight who lost his foreskin during a battle?

Sir. Cumcision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw8361/what_did_people_call_the_knight_who_lost_his/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re so good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw80ob/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
Growing up I was told I can be anyone I want to be

I've just been charged with identity theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw7v3b/growing_up_i_was_told_i_can_be_anyone_i_want_to_be/
%
A cab driver picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab,but the driver can't stop staring at her.She asks him why is he staring.He replies,"I have a question for you but I don't want to offend you.She answers,"My son,you cannot offend me.When your as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.Im sure there's nothing you can say or ask that I would find offensive.""Well,I always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."She responds,"Well,let's see what can be done about this.But first,you have to be single and you must be Catholic.The cabdriver gets really excited and says,"Yes I'm single and Catholic."Perfect" the nun says,"pull off to the side of the road and we'll see what we can do."The nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie but when they get back on the road,the cabbie begins to cry uncontrollably."My dear child,"says the nun,"Why are you crying?""Forgive me for I have sinned.I lied to you.Im married and I'm Jewish."Thats ok.My name is Kevin and I'm going to a costume party."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw7qj0/a_cab_driver_picks_up_a_nun/
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I can't believe how many perverts

there are in the park nowadays, I only just strolled through, and literally everyone kept staring at my penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw7pkv/i_cant_believe_how_many_perverts/
%
Recycled ones. But love them. 36 Math jokes and puns

Beginner
1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?
Because he would have to convert.
2. Why do plants hate math?
It gives them square roots.
3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a mean thing to say!
4. Why was the math book depressed?
It had a lot of problems.
5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?
Because it is never right.
6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper?
They must be plotting something.
7. Why was the equal sign so humble?
Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.
8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date?
The odd couple (but 7 is in her prime).
9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?
A Roamin’ numeral.
10. Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably.
11. What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics.
But graphing is where I draw the line!
13. Why should you never talk to Pi?
Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.
14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common?
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
15. Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.
18. How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
19. Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
20. Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
21. Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point.
22. Dear Algebra, stop trying to find your X.
They’re never coming back — don’t ask Y.
23. Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Student: You told me not to use tables.
24. After a sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
25. There are three kinds of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
Intermediate
26. Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s “two” gross.
27. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?
A tangent. (A tan gent.)
28. What do baby parabolas drink?
Quadratic formula.
29. My girlfriend is the square root of –100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
30. What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
31. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was 3 feet deep, on average.
32. How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
33. The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.
But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.
34. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
A: To get to the same side.
35. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.
36. There are three people applying for the same job at a bank: a mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant.
The interviewing committee asks the mathematician one question: What is 500 plus 500? The mathematician answers “1,000” without hesitation, and they send him along. Next, they call in the statistician and ask the same question. He thinks for a moment and answers “1,000… I’m 95 percent confident.” When the accountant comes in, he is asked the same question: “What is 500 + 500?” He bows and replies, “What would you like it to be?”
They hire the accountant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw7lz3/recycled_ones_but_love_them_36_math_jokes_and_puns/
%
I'm from Colombia and if I got a dollar everytime someone asked me if I sell cocaine.

I would still sell them cocaine, 'cause profits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw7i97/im_from_colombia_and_if_i_got_a_dollar_everytime/
%
Perfect son

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw7dni/perfect_son/
%
I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw7ces/i_just_got_a_photo_from_a_speeding_camera_through/
%
What do you call a twitching cow?

A: Beef Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw7cec/what_do_you_call_a_twitching_cow/
%
My wife asked me to take the trash out.

I must admit that it feels a bit weird to sit in a pub and pretend to have a conversation with a garbage bin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw7bgh/my_wife_asked_me_to_take_the_trash_out/
%
Puns make me numb.

But mathematics makes me number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw7bbw/puns_make_me_numb/
%
Son:Mommy tell me something that would make me both happy and sad at the same time

Mom:The whole Avengers cast is coming to visit you next week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw7b4n/sonmommy_tell_me_something_that_would_make_me/
%
"Whose pickaxe is this, and what is it being used for?"

"Mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw7apc/whose_pickaxe_is_this_and_what_is_it_being_used/
%
What's a pirates favourite letter?

Most people say the R but it is the C. Argargargargarg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw79sb/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
%
Nice try, people named Tristan.

Or should I say Stan Stan Stan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw75bg/nice_try_people_named_tristan/
%
What's the difference between pie and cake?

πr^2 , cake are round

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw74wp/whats_the_difference_between_pie_and_cake/
%
"You look wonderful, dear."

A man’s wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours, applying the “miracle” products.
Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and asked, “Darling, honestly now, what age would you say I am?”
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, “Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five.”
“Oh, you’re so sweet!” gushed the wife.
“Well, hang on,” he replied, “I’m not finished adding it up yet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw74c8/you_look_wonderful_dear/
%
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You'll get jurasskicked!
*Sorry if its lame but my niece just told it and i fell laughing*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw70fs/why_should_you_never_fight_a_dinosaur/
%
Just recalling some fun times I had with a girl with large breasts...

Those were some fond mammaries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw709z/just_recalling_some_fun_times_i_had_with_a_girl/
%
I recently fell in love with Naval History

World War II submarines in particular fascinates me. Japan's I-400-class and the US's Gato class submarines are my absolute favorites. These are the subsifellfor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw6yv1/i_recently_fell_in_love_with_naval_history/
%
A man is called down to the police station for questioning.

“I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present,” he says.
“You _are_ the lawyer,” the cop replies.
“Yeah, so where’s my present?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw6qdk/a_man_is_called_down_to_the_police_station_for/
%
If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw6oi7/if_a_bluebird_has_blue_babies_and_a_redbird_has/
%
I was surprised to find that "Trailer Park Barbie" doesn't come with bruising on her body

Then I realized battery not included

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw6itr/i_was_surprised_to_find_that_trailer_park_barbie/
%
Three guys go on a skiing trip together.

When they get to the ski lodge there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, “Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job.”
The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and says that he’s had the same dream, too.
The guy in the middle says, “Wow that’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw6eix/three_guys_go_on_a_skiing_trip_together/
%
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw6doy/jesus_and_saint_peter_are_golfing_st_peter_steps/
%
I'm holding a charity BBQ for ppl who can't get an orgasm ..

If you can't cum, let me know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw6dlu/im_holding_a_charity_bbq_for_ppl_who_cant_get_an/
%
Two hunters

are out in the woods when one of them collapses. The guy calls 911 and says, "Help, my friend is dead!" The operator says, "First lets make sure he is dead." The operator hears a gunshot and then says, "Ugh not this joke again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw6b08/two_hunters/
%
I don't know why Reddit is so obsessed with thinking that incest is prevalent in Alabama...

As an Alabamian, I feel insulted. I have talked it over with my sister and she agrees that our child should not be allowed to use Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw69dh/i_dont_know_why_reddit_is_so_obsessed_with/
%
“Hello there, I'm a racist!”

“That's horrible. Why would you even admit something like that?”
“Haha, No I'm racist, as in I love running and racing people.”
“Oooh, haha.”
“Not black people though, they can all run faster.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw64t3/hello_there_im_a_racist/
%
I got a call telling me my wife’s been taken to the hospital.

“Oh my Lord, how is she?!” I asked.
“I’m sorry to say she’s critical,” said the nurse.
“What the heck is she complaining about again?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw60eh/i_got_a_call_telling_me_my_wifes_been_taken_to/
%
Why do Java developers wear glasses?

Because they can't C#.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5zfh/why_do_java_developers_wear_glasses/
%
My neighbor must be really proud of her dog.

She put up pictures of it everywhere asking if we’d seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5yxy/my_neighbor_must_be_really_proud_of_her_dog/
%
What kind of gun would a cat have?

A Mauser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5us5/what_kind_of_gun_would_a_cat_have/
%
Why didn't the life guard save the drowning hippie?

because he was too far out man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5tn5/why_didnt_the_life_guard_save_the_drowning_hippie/
%
What do you call a parent with a transgenderd kid?

Transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5rcc/what_do_you_call_a_parent_with_a_transgenderd_kid/
%
My anti-vaxx sister brought her kids over to swim today.

But the only game they played was Marco Polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5qgt/my_antivaxx_sister_brought_her_kids_over_to_swim/
%
My girlfriend started smoking during sex...

I guess I should start using lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5mqx/my_girlfriend_started_smoking_during_sex/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5mjm/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
[NSFW] Rearrange these words to make a letter 1. Pneis 2. Buttsxe

Did you get 1. Spine and 2. Subtext ?
At least I did not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5mcg/nsfw_rearrange_these_words_to_make_a_letter_1/
%
What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5jo3/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an_insomniac_a/
%
If I die, I want to die like my grandfather.

He died peacefully in his sleep; not screaming like all the passengers in the bus he was driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5gmi/if_i_die_i_want_to_die_like_my_grandfather/
%
A man gets change from an interaction with his friend, and noticed something strange.

He asked his friend:
“Why are these coins smaller than usual?”
His friend replied:
“I got the ‘new batch of coins’ from the bank”
The man asked another question:
“So why are they small?”
The friend answered again:
“The government has made coins smaller to save money on cutting corners, stuff that would cost more to recall and use”
The man exclaimed:
“What the hell!? That makes very little cents!”
Sorry for the bad pun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5glp/a_man_gets_change_from_an_interaction_with_his/
%
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds.

As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she fluttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Fuck me or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello," said the ugly fat man said, "my name is Cess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5fyx/a_man_was_walking_along_the_street_when_he_saw_a/
%
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend...

“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5ckv/a_poodle_and_a_collie_are_walking_together_when/
%
Genie’s 3 Wishes

Genie: aight, you got 3 wishes. What’d you like to wish for?
Me: I wish everything was 4 letters!
Genie: your wish is gran
Me: I wish ever word star with br
Genie: brur brsh br bran
Me: b brsh brer brde brth uh
Genie: bruh bruh bruh bruh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw5aqy/genies_3_wishes/
%
I once saw a skinned Grizzly

The bare bear was barely bearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw59e9/i_once_saw_a_skinned_grizzly/
%
A man and woman are wandering a forest

They wander the forest and stumble upon a suitcase. The man opens up the suitcase. Inside, there are 2 mice that appear to be dead. The woman reacts by saying "Oh my god, are they moving?" The man replies, "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw595n/a_man_and_woman_are_wandering_a_forest/
%
They have just found the gene for shyness.

They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw52wy/they_have_just_found_the_gene_for_shyness/
%
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100

Once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw51o8/how_many_times_can_you_subtract_10_from_100/
%
What is the Japanese favorite dog?

The  KonniChihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw50f9/what_is_the_japanese_favorite_dog/
%
I farted at work the other day and my coworker started trying to open the window.

It must have been a really bad one – we work on a submarine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw4zza/i_farted_at_work_the_other_day_and_my_coworker/
%
Having both a shower and toilet is a waste

Why have both when I can easily drink from the toilet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw4x06/having_both_a_shower_and_toilet_is_a_waste/
%
I got my tattoo artist to write “Tattoo artists are stupid” on my back.

I thought I got him pretty good until I realized the joke was on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw4wum/i_got_my_tattoo_artist_to_write_tattoo_artists/
%
Two hunters are out in the woods

when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw4ws6/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods/
%
Little Johnny is falling asleep in class and little Susie is sitting behind him

The teacher noticed Johnny’s head down so she called on him to answer: “Johnny, who is our lord and savior?” Susie pokes him in the back with a pencil, making him jerk awake and scream “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher was shocked but just said “very good Johnny” and he fell back asleep. Teacher notices this again and asks him “Johnny who created the heavens and earth?” So Susie pokes him in the back again and he screams “GOD ALMIGHTY!” Again getting the answer right and some praise from the teacher. Noticing him sleeping again, the teacher thought he’d catch him for sure and asked “Johnny what did eve say to Adam after he gave her his 23rd child?” Susie pokes him again and he wakes up and screams “IF YOU PUT THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME IM GOING TO BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw4tz8/little_johnny_is_falling_asleep_in_class_and/
%
I tried rock cocaine today.

It wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw4seu/i_tried_rock_cocaine_today/
%
If you see an iPhone getting stolen,

Do you become the iWitness?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw4r58/if_you_see_an_iphone_getting_stolen/
%
A frog goes to a fortune teller to get his palm read.

He asks her, "so, what's my fortune?"
The fortune teller says to him, " I have good news and I have bad news.
The good news is that soon, you will meet a beautiful young girl who will find great interest in you, and she is going to steal your heart."
"That's great! What's the bad news?" the frog asks.
"This is in her biology class."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw4p13/a_frog_goes_to_a_fortune_teller_to_get_his_palm/
%
My wife tried to cut my junk off.

She missed and cut my thigh. Police came and charged her with a misseddaweiner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw4nwf/my_wife_tried_to_cut_my_junk_off/
%
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus

He tells the bartender “I bet you a night of free drinks that my octopus can play any instrument you give it.”  Bartender says “you’re on,” and goes into the back. He comes back with a flute, and tosses it at the octopus. It takes the octopus a second but he starts playing the flute. Bartender frowns but goes back for another instrument and comes out with a trumpet. Octopus starts playing jazz. This goes on for a few more instrument until the bartender says “AHA! I have an instrument that octopus will never be able to play.” He disappears into the back and after a few minutes come back with some bagpipes. He tosses the heap at the octopus, and it wriggles around on the ground, making a few squawking noises but no music. Bartender laughs at the guy, “told you he wouldn’t be able to play it.” Guy says “just wait a minute. Once he figures out he can’t fuck it, he’ll play it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw4g59/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus/
%
What’s the best part about having Alzheimer’s disease?

You can hide your own Easter eggs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw4eyt/whats_the_best_part_about_having_alzheimers/
%
I fell victim to a click bait.

Just like you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw47y6/i_fell_victim_to_a_click_bait/
%
Why did the conjoined twins take a trip to England?

So the other one could drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw47y1/why_did_the_conjoined_twins_take_a_trip_to_england/
%
I was at a baseball game yesterday, front row seats. Suddenly the ball started getting bigger, and I wondered why.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw463j/i_was_at_a_baseball_game_yesterday_front_row/
%
Wife, “Has the mailman come yet?”

Husband, “No, but he’s breathing hard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw44cq/wife_has_the_mailman_come_yet/
%
Heres one my father likes to tell

A patient is being looked over by his doctor regarding a strange series of pains.
Patient: "...this pain just doesnt make any sense doc...."
Doctor: " hm.. well why dont you go ahead and point to where it hurts."
Patient: "Well thats the thing- look!"
the patient puts a finger on their forehead
Patient: "it hurts **ow** here! and **ow**! there...**ow!**"
The patient begins to point frantically at several different body parts.
They point to their shoulder, the ribs, the ears, the eyes, the nose, their back
"....here **ow!** here, and here.....***OW*** ! It hurts all over!
Every single place I touch hurts terribly!"
The doctor sighs
"Sir... your finger appears to be very badly broken"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw421q/heres_one_my_father_likes_to_tell/
%
How did the Star Wars fan spend Valentine's Day?

Solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw409o/how_did_the_star_wars_fan_spend_valentines_day/
%
Guess what?

Me: Guess what?
Person: What?
Me: Good guess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw3y3b/guess_what/
%
I gained about 400 pounds in one night

And all I had to do was rob some British guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw3wv9/i_gained_about_400_pounds_in_one_night/
%
I bought a scarecrow and even though it didn’t scare any crows , I still had to give it a great review on Amazon

Because it was just out standing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw3u1p/i_bought_a_scarecrow_and_even_though_it_didnt/
%
I got an e-mail advertising guaranteed penis enlargement for $10.

I clicked the link, entered my details and the bastard stole my identity and cleaned out my bank account.
Still, it sort of worked. I feel a massive prick now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw3qj0/i_got_an_email_advertising_guaranteed_penis/
%
Got an alcoholic pregnant the other day...

I came in cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw3nlu/got_an_alcoholic_pregnant_the_other_day/
%
Doctor: Sir, I’m afraid that you are suffering from explosive diarrhea

Man: Ah shit, here we go again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw3na6/doctor_sir_im_afraid_that_you_are_suffering_from/
%
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw3mxa/did_you_hear_about_the_thief_that_preferred/
%
I have a pen that can write underwater!

It can also write other words too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw3l50/i_have_a_pen_that_can_write_underwater/
%
How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?

He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw3k10/how_can_you_tell_if_an_engineer_is_an_extrovert/
%
I just had a near sex experience.

I saw my wife flash before my eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw3b4b/i_just_had_a_near_sex_experience/
%
An American and a Chinese man are talking in a cafe. They’re engaged in a debate over their two systems of government.

The American says, “Look, our system might not be perfect, but we have freedom!”
The Chinese man asks, “Freedom to do what?”
The American responds, “Well, for one, I can go down to Washington DC, walk up to the President’s desk, and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running your country!’”
The Chinese man thinks for a moment, and retorts, “I can do that, too.”
“Oh really?”, replies the American, skeptical of the Chinese man’s claims.
“Yeah”, says the Chinese man. “I can go down to Beijing, walk up to the Chairman’s desk and say ‘Chairman, I don’t like the way Donald Trump is running his country!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw3a8x/an_american_and_a_chinese_man_are_talking_in_a/
%
Probably already been posted but my journalism teacher just recently told us this

What do you call someone that knows 3 languages?
Trilingual
What do you call someone that knows 2 languages?
Bilingual
What do you call someone that only knows 1 language?
American

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw37se/probably_already_been_posted_but_my_journalism/
%
Why girlfriend is one word and best friend are two words?

Because best friend gives you space which you need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw368f/why_girlfriend_is_one_word_and_best_friend_are/
%
On the tub of ice cream I bought it said "50% less fat"

It's a fucking con, guys.
I just ate the whole tub and I'm actually heavier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw35r5/on_the_tub_of_ice_cream_i_bought_it_said_50_less/
%
Amazon is getting bigger every day, it’s not long until all department stores are made irrelevant

All those CEOs will be forced to walk the Trail of Sears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw34nw/amazon_is_getting_bigger_every_day_its_not_long/
%
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw34jr/my_girlfriend_borrowed_100_from_me_after_3_years/
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What word gets shorter if you add two letters to it?

Short
What word gets shorter if you remove two letters from it?
Shorterer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw33gf/what_word_gets_shorter_if_you_add_two_letters_to/
%
My jokes travel faster than light.

I bet you didn't c that coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw33cm/my_jokes_travel_faster_than_light/
%
Where did Hitler keep his armies?

...
...
...
In his sleeves.
Okay, how did he tie his shoesies?
...
...
...
With little knotsies!
So where did he keep his OTHER armies?
...
...
...
Poland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw339d/where_did_hitler_keep_his_armies/
%
Walks into a bookstore

Me:  Do you have any books on turtles?
Worker:  Hardback?
Me:  Yes, with little heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw2z3i/walks_into_a_bookstore/
%
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar..

And the bartender says: “BATMAN!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw2vqp/16_sodium_atoms_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Two hungry vampire bats are sitting in a tree, discussing the best area to go to get some juicy blood...

The first bat says "I'm gonna fly out of the woods and see if there's anything near the river.
When the first bat returns, the second bat says "Did you have much luck?", to which he replies "Nah, absolutely nothing down there".
The second bat says "Okay I'm going to fly further into the woods and see if I can find anything juicy to feast on there", and off he goes.
5 minutes later the second bat returns, his lips and chin all covered in blood. The first bat sees him and says "You lucky bastard, where did you go to get all that blood to feast on?". The second bat replies "You see that big tree over there....? I didn't".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw2r1f/two_hungry_vampire_bats_are_sitting_in_a_tree/
%
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?

when the punchline becomes a parent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw2qwf/when_does_a_bad_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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A taxi driver and priest both die and go to heaven

The priest is confused and asks St. Peter why the taxi driver is here, “Why is this man here? He never went to church or even prayed!”
St. Peter responded, “When you gave your sermon, half the people went to sleep. However, this taxi driver was always speeding so fast that all his passengers started praying to God!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw2qnp/a_taxi_driver_and_priest_both_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw2lov/how_many_millennials_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Has to be more than 17 because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw2l88/how_many_dead_prostitutes_does_it_take_to_change/
%
I'm going to say it. There are only 10 genders.

Binary and non-binary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw2jm8/im_going_to_say_it_there_are_only_10_genders/
%
My friend asked me to stop singing wonderwall today

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw2ilf/my_friend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw2ig7/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_were_waiting/
%
How do trees use twitter?

They log in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw2grn/how_do_trees_use_twitter/
%
What’s blue and not heavy?

Light blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw2dci/whats_blue_and_not_heavy/
%
v



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw2bz1/v/
%
Bigger in Texas

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw27my/bigger_in_texas/
%
Two fish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw25c2/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
The old woman and her bakery

There was an old woman who ran a bakery. She made amazing cakes that everyone just loved.
She works on making marvelous cakes for everyone 364 days of the year.
But she would refuse to make any cake on November 26th.
Instead, she would take a bunch of signs and place them all around the town on that day and no one knew why.
So one November 26th, someone asked her why she wasn’t making cakes today but was rather making all of these posts.
Her response: “Well dearie, I’m getting old and I may pass away soon and I’d like to be something better than a baker in my next life - maybe the president or something prestigious and I heard that making many posts on cake day gives good karma”
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw24hn/the_old_woman_and_her_bakery/
%
NOW!

What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL!
When do we want it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw22mh/now/
%
Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw1zs4/q_if_a_mans_signature_is_called_a_john_hancock/
%
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife...

...She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't
return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw1wyl/a_successful_rancher_died_and_left_everything_to/
%
God and Adam

In the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man: God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
And Adam said, "What's a valley?"
And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
And Adam said, "What's a river?"
And God explained to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."
And Adam said, "What is a hill?"
And God explained that to him. Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's a cave?"
And God explained that to him, then said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
So God explained to him.
So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about fifteen minutes, Adam was back.
God asked, "So how did it go?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw1tvy/god_and_adam/
%
Eating

Two Cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.
One turns to the other and asks, "does this taste funny to you?"
The other responds, "no."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw1h7w/eating/
%
They make em big in texas

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Wide, ma'am?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw1ggd/they_make_em_big_in_texas/
%
God's Blessings

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw1fpn/gods_blessings/
%
OC horse joke

What do you get when a mom and dad horse start a crazy religion?
A colt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw1f1d/oc_horse_joke/
%
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day;
anal sex makes your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw1dqf/whats_the_difference_between_oral_sex_and_anal_sex/
%
Yoga instructor killed one of his clients.

The murder was premeditated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw1ar0/yoga_instructor_killed_one_of_his_clients/
%
I’ve noticed a severe lack of African-American students attending Hogwarts...

... I guess they don’t like black magic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw11zx/ive_noticed_a_severe_lack_of_africanamerican/
%
I was recently surprised to hear from the doctor that i was colour blind!

It was so sudden! It came right out of the purple!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw10ly/i_was_recently_surprised_to_hear_from_the_doctor/
%
If you ever feel useless...

...just remember that somewhere in Germany, there’s a guy whose job is to install turn signals in BMWs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw10cx/if_you_ever_feel_useless/
%
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

All that was left was da Brie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw0v2k/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_that/
%
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw0u0k/did_you_hear_about_the_semicolon_that_broke_the/
%
Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom

Maybe because the audience is shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw0tz1/many_sing_in_the_shower_but_rarely_in_the_bathroom/
%
What are the odds??

Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw0svl/what_are_the_odds/
%
I don't get why people saying "you're hung like a baby" is an insult

21 inches and 7 pounds 2 ounces is pretty impressive if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw0pt5/i_dont_get_why_people_saying_youre_hung_like_a/
%
What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?

A mechanical engineer designs weapons. A civil engineer designs targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw0nsn/whats_the_difference_between_a_mechanical/
%
When my wife gets angry

I put a cape on her and watch her become ... Super Angry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw0h66/when_my_wife_gets_angry/
%
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.50
Deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw0fb3/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
A student was playing games on his iPhone

, and a teacher caught him.
she yelled "knock it off"
the student took that advice to heart and founded Huawei

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw0dqs/a_student_was_playing_games_on_his_iphone/
%
If you give birth to a boy and it hurts afterwards...

Is it called a sonburn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw0a8x/if_you_give_birth_to_a_boy_and_it_hurts_afterwards/
%
One thing I wonder about chemtrails is...

...what happens when they fall off the edge of the world?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw05h5/one_thing_i_wonder_about_chemtrails_is/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

He fingered A Minor.
(oh fuck what have I said)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bw01mu/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
This guy walks into a bar and orders a rhum and coke

The bartender says I got something similar, here’s an apple
Guy: that’s an apple?! I asked for a rhum and coke
Bartender: just have a bite
Guy: WOW! it tastes like rhum!!!
Bartender: turn it around
Guy turns it around and bites: WOW tastes like coke!! Rhum n coke!
Few minutes later an older gentleman walks in and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender gives him an apple!
Older guy: hmm excuse me, I said gin n tonic
First guy: No no have it, this guy is like some sort of magician Barman or something
Older guy confused takes a bite: Wow it taste like gin!!
Bartender: turnnn it around
Older guy: Wow! Taste like tonic! Gin and tonic
First guy and the older man start talking about others things they can challenge the bartender with, something beyond drinks
Older man: I haven’t been with a woman in a long time, I use to eat my wife out all the time i loved it, but she passes away.
Guy: excuse barman! Can you get this man a taste of pussy!
Bartender finds it weird but hands them an apple
Older man takes a bite and spits it right out in disgust: WHAT THE FUCK!! This taste like shit!
Bartender: tuurrnn it around !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvzyg7/this_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_rhum_and/
%
Emergency call

A man phones up the vet in the middle of the night to tell him his pet dog has swallowed a condom. "You've got to help," he cries. "I don't know what to do."
"It's rather late," said the vet. "But as it's an emergency, I'll be there as soon as I can."
"What should I do in the meantime," says the owner.
"Just keep the dog as still as you can," says the vet.
" I won't be long."
After an hour the vet is still driving when his phone rings. " I phoned earlier," says the caller. "My dog swallowed a condom."
"Yes, I know" says the vet. "I'm going as fast as I can but it's still going to take me twenty minutes."
"You don't need to bother," days the dog owner. "It's okay now. We've found another one in the drawer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvzvzn/emergency_call/
%
Do you know how to titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate it's tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvzt3z/do_you_know_how_to_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

I don’t think she noticed because she hasn’t said anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvzswn/the_other_day_my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_pass_her/
%
Why did the chef miss his deadline?

He ran out of thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvzp5b/why_did_the_chef_miss_his_deadline/
%
What's the most careful particle?

A caut ion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvzgi4/whats_the_most_careful_particle/
%
My neighbor doesn’t watch porn

She asked me to fix her sink, I’ve been here a hour and I’m still fixing the damn sink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvzf2j/my_neighbor_doesnt_watch_porn/
%
Of all the Guinness world records my Dad held...

He told me the one where he ate a grandfather clock was the most time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvzd7t/of_all_the_guinness_world_records_my_dad_held/
%
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvz8xb/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
%
So girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre...

So he gives it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvz5zl/so_girl_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_double/
%
What is the scariest thing to read during a hangover?

\[Your friend\] has tagged you in 3 new photos!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvz1gl/what_is_the_scariest_thing_to_read_during_a/
%
Last week I had to see the doctor to have a mole removed from my penis.

The lesson here is don't try to have sex with a mole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvz177/last_week_i_had_to_see_the_doctor_to_have_a_mole/
%
These new diets are getting absolutely ridiculous

Today, some guy was telling me about the joys and benefits of self-cannibalizing.   I've never heard anyone that was so full of themself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvywcj/these_new_diets_are_getting_absolutely_ridiculous/
%
A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”
The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread”
The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”
The same thing happens the next day. At the end of the day the store owner decides to make a thousand loaves of bread in the hopes of making a huge profit!
The store owner spends all weekend working hard and makes a thousand loaves of bread.
On Monday, the man walks into the store again and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread”
The owner smiles and replies “Yes, today we do indeed!”
The man shakes his head and says “you're going to make a lot of dough if you're able to sell them all!”
Then he waddles away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvyvtq/a_man_walks_into_a_bakery_and_asks_the_store/
%
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar

As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of “when does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible it states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breath your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to arguing their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvyqo9/an_elderly_couple_a_priest_and_a_doctor_walk_into/
%
I got fired just for advising people to go with their gut

I don't know what the suicide hotline's problem is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvypg3/i_got_fired_just_for_advising_people_to_go_with/
%
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.

Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvyoby/an_outoftowner_drove_his_car_into_a_ditch_in_a/
%
I’ve been into BDSM recently.

I was having trouble figuring it out, but luckily my friend was willing to show me the ropes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvynck/ive_been_into_bdsm_recently/
%
What do you get if you cross Groot with the rapper Fifty Cent?

About tree-fiddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvym1f/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_groot_with_the/
%
What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common?

There used to be two, now it's a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvyioa/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_gender_have_in_common/
%
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says,
" We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.  He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvyhbe/a_texan_farmer_goes_to_australia_for_a_vacation/
%
Did you know that possums die when they have sex?

Well at least the ones I had sex with did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvyeng/did_you_know_that_possums_die_when_they_have_sex/
%
A kid is Trick or Treating on Halloween

He goes up to a door and knocks. A man opens the door and asks "What are you supposed to be?" The kid says "I'm a birate." The man asks "Do you mean pirate?" The kid says "No, I mean birate." The man asks "Well, what's that on your shoulder?" The kid says "It's my barrot." The man asks "Don't you mean parrot?" The kid says "No, I mean barrot." The man asks "Well, if your a birate, and that bird is a barrot, then where are you're buckineers?" The kid says "My buckinears are right here, where are your buckineyes?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvydrn/a_kid_is_trick_or_treating_on_halloween/
%
President Trump‘s personal library burned down

Both of his books have turned into ashes. He couldn’t even finish colouring the second one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvyd6s/president_trumps_personal_library_burned_down/
%
Why can you never explain things to a kleptomaniac?

They take everything literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvybtp/why_can_you_never_explain_things_to_a_kleptomaniac/
%
What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite fish?

Ahi-hi Tuna!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvy95v/whats_michael_jacksons_favorite_fish/
%
I finished my report about how wind power is generated

It was a breeze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvy8nv/i_finished_my_report_about_how_wind_power_is/
%
What is Popeye’s favorite thing to eat?

Olive Oil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvy766/what_is_popeyes_favorite_thing_to_eat/
%
Man goes to a costume party...

Man goes to a costume party with only a naked woman on his back.
"What are you suppose to be then?" the host asks
"I'm a turtle"
"How can you be a turtle when all you have on your back is a naked woman?"
"Oh her?"
"That's just Michelle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvy6z6/man_goes_to_a_costume_party/
%
If I had a dollar for every time Someone over 40 told me my generation sucks..

Then I could afford the house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvy5xo/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
%
You know how Gotham citizens are going to be able to tell Bruce Wayne is Batman in the upcoming movie?

Because during the day he’ll sparkle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvy5mx/you_know_how_gotham_citizens_are_going_to_be_able/
%
I burned 2000 calories yesterday

I left the brownies in the oven too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvy38a/i_burned_2000_calories_yesterday/
%
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!)
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvy0bu/three_engineers_and_three_accountants_are/
%
You can't run through a campground

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxx75/you_cant_run_through_a_campground/
%
How do you greet German bread?

Gluten tag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxvzk/how_do_you_greet_german_bread/
%
What do we want?

Race car noises!!
When do we want them?
Neeeeeooooowwwww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxvra/what_do_we_want/
%
The lines in the LGBT community flag are straight.

Ironic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxri4/the_lines_in_the_lgbt_community_flag_are_straight/
%
What do you call a rude German?

A Deutsche-bag!
I bet you did Nazi that coming :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxqgq/what_do_you_call_a_rude_german/
%
So proud of my son

I'm so proud of my son.
I gave him one of those watches with a step counter, and just from walking in his bedroom, 40,000 steps in 1 day!
I would just love to congratulate him as I will surely be getting him a reward for his perserverence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxp30/so_proud_of_my_son/
%
What do you call 69 people waiting in line at an Apple store?

iQueue below 70

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxo2k/what_do_you_call_69_people_waiting_in_line_at_an/
%
Who is the most popular man at the nudist colony?

He's the one that can carry a dozen donuts and 2 cups of coffee...
Who's the most popular woman?
She can eat the last 2 donuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxmsc/who_is_the_most_popular_man_at_the_nudist_colony/
%
What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxlil/what_does_america_have_that_canada_doesnt/
%
Why is the Reverse Cowgirl not allowed in alabama?

You dont turn your back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxkwp/why_is_the_reverse_cowgirl_not_allowed_in_alabama/
%
Ever hear of the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?

He stopped at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxjt6/ever_hear_of_the_mathematician_that_was_afraid_of/
%
What are Christian pornstars really good at?

Missionary work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxh6n/what_are_christian_pornstars_really_good_at/
%
The inventor of the cross word puzzle died last night.

He will be buried tomorrow, six down and four across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxgiq/the_inventor_of_the_cross_word_puzzle_died_last/
%
What’s the difference between America and yogurt?

You leave yogurt for 200 years it will form a culture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxgip/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_yogurt/
%
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero and the other is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxeu4/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
I have just met a Chinese drug addict.

He said 'Have you seen my cocaine?'
I said ' Not since he starred in Zulu'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxesi/i_have_just_met_a_chinese_drug_addict/
%
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?

It’s not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvxa0h/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nudist_beach/
%
Why do some melons have very planned-out and well-attended weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvx4kx/why_do_some_melons_have_very_plannedout_and/
%
A married woman complains to her mother:

I'm divorcing  David. All he want's is just sex. My asshole is now the size of a quarter! It used to be the size of a cent.
The Mother promptly responds "Dear, you are married to a millionaire lawyer. You live in an 8 bedroom mansion in Midtown Manhattan. You drive a 1959 Silver Cloud Rolls-Royce Convertible. You get $10,000 a week as allowance . You take 6 luxury vacations a year and you want to throw everything away just for 24 cents?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvx44k/a_married_woman_complains_to_her_mother/
%
I've seen many thieves in my life

but this one takes the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvx38i/ive_seen_many_thieves_in_my_life/
%
My uncle has the heart of a lion

He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvx2d3/my_uncle_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
I proposed to my ex-wife.

But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwv2k/i_proposed_to_my_exwife/
%
What do Dale Earnhardt Sr and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwu72/what_do_dale_earnhardt_sr_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
%
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want".
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look , I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwrj1/an_engineer_was_crossing_a_road_one_day_when_a/
%
The fact that I had a wonderful childhood really sucks,

because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwqos/the_fact_that_i_had_a_wonderful_childhood_really/
%
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwoxx/a_mathematician_a_biologist_and_a_physicist_are/
%
I finally quit doing drugs.

It was high time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwnm8/i_finally_quit_doing_drugs/
%
What do you call a chameleon that can’t change colors?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwm9h/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_that_cant_change/
%
Alcohol does not make you fat, it makes you lean.

Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally ugly chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwleo/alcohol_does_not_make_you_fat_it_makes_you_lean/
%
A young lady plays golf

One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where?'" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole" she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet were too far apart".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwkte/a_young_lady_plays_golf/
%
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

So we went out and had some drinks.
Cool guy.
Wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwkda/my_wife_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead_of/
%
The name's Cris P. Bacon.

Cris Pierre Bacon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwjue/the_names_cris_p_bacon/
%
Met a girl who was into sports

She said she was in a football team and had to prevent goals at all costs.
She was a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwhdg/met_a_girl_who_was_into_sports/
%
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.

I’ve never had a beef with one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwh9u/i_never_understood_why_people_dont_get_along_with/
%
A shot putter says to her coach "We need to talk about these 'supplements' you've been giving me"

He says "Anything the matter with them?" and she says "Well, to be honest, I do have a couple of concerns." She has a quick look around and pulls up the front of her shirt, revealing a thick mass of hair covering her chest and down as far as her waistband.
The coach blinks and says "And how far does that go down?" and she says "As far as my balls -- which brings me to my second concern..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwfpv/a_shot_putter_says_to_her_coach_we_need_to_talk/
%
The only rule to get out of a casino with a small fortune

Is to enter there with a large one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwepj/the_only_rule_to_get_out_of_a_casino_with_a_small/
%
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvwebk/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_was_speaking_so_softly_at/
%
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane...

The stewardess stops him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvw9mp/a_vulture_carrying_two_dead_raccoons_boards_an/
%
Intro to comparative religion

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvw6v0/intro_to_comparative_religion/
%
I’m convinced girls from Tinder are haunted.

They keep ghosting me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvw657/im_convinced_girls_from_tinder_are_haunted/
%
Husband and wife

Bitter Husband, says to Wife "On your Headstone, l'll put "Cold As Ever" Wife says"That's okay, On yours l'll put "Stiff At Last"........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvvvvk/husband_and_wife/
%
Did you hear about that theoretical physicist who went insane studying cosmic background radiation?

He said he couldn't tell where reality ended... and the paranoid delusions began!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvvt69/did_you_hear_about_that_theoretical_physicist_who/
%
If light does indeed travel faster than sound...

Why did I hear the BMW behind my family’s car sound his horn before the light turned green?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvvowz/if_light_does_indeed_travel_faster_than_sound/
%
What did one gay astronaut say to the other gay astronaut?

Hmmm... Uranus or mine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvvnxq/what_did_one_gay_astronaut_say_to_the_other_gay/
%
Why is the priest called Father?

Because daddy would be too obvious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvviiv/why_is_the_priest_called_father/
%
An old Russian man wants to visit his old friend in Germany.

An old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and after a while, they reach the Latvian border. A man stops them and asks for passports. He asks in broken Russian “your names?”
The man responds “I am Ivan, this is my wife Tanya. we are travelling to Germany”
“Excellent. And what is your work?”
“I manufacture vodka”
“Looks good sir, you may go”
Several more hours pass and they make it to the Lithuanian border. The guard stops them and asks
“Your names?”
“I am Ivan and this is my wife Tanya. we are Russians traveling to Germany”
“Fine. Profession?”
“I manufacture Vodka”
“Looks good sir, you may pass”
They drive for another few hours, until late at night they make it to the Polish border. The guard asks for the passports, and says
“What are your names?”
“I am Ivan and this is my wife Tanya. We are Russians.”
“Occupation?”
“No, just passing through this time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvvhwy/an_old_russian_man_wants_to_visit_his_old_friend/
%
How do you spot a blind man at a nudest beach?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvvfve/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nudest_beach/
%
A man asked his friend: "What does 1000 Hz sound like?"

His friend rudely replied: "Fuck off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvvczy/a_man_asked_his_friend_what_does_1000_hz_sound/
%
A man walks into a bra

Lucky it was padded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvvbf5/a_man_walks_into_a_bra/
%
What Do Spinach And Anal Have In Common

If you were forced to have it as a child, you will hate it as an adult

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvv8f7/what_do_spinach_and_anal_have_in_common/
%
How do you call a virgin from Alabama

An orphan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvv73d/how_do_you_call_a_virgin_from_alabama/
%
I have alot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvv71f/i_have_alot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
Digging a hole for yourself

A grave mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvv4aw/digging_a_hole_for_yourself/
%
A gay couple (Jeremiah and Timothy) is traveling on a plane.

"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a napkin, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy.
So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who was shivering due to the air conditioning in the plane.
"Sir, you should've asked for a blanket!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvv09n/a_gay_couple_jeremiah_and_timothy_is_traveling_on/
%
My wife is a horrible singer .

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvux2d/my_wife_is_a_horrible_singer/
%
Whenever a girl approaches me for sex I tell her:

"Sorry, I'm trying to beat Andy Stitzer's world record."
So far so good, I haven't had to say that once.
Based on a true story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvuwvb/whenever_a_girl_approaches_me_for_sex_i_tell_her/
%
Who's the king of all school supplies?

The ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvuw6d/whos_the_king_of_all_school_supplies/
%
I’ve been on Reddit for 3 years

And I only have 10 karma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvuvyl/ive_been_on_reddit_for_3_years/
%
I don’t ask my girlfriend for nudes.

If I wanted to look at a cunt, I’ll just take a selfie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvuvd2/i_dont_ask_my_girlfriend_for_nudes/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvutba/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
What do you call a rich Japanese person?

A milli-YEN-aire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvuqvz/what_do_you_call_a_rich_japanese_person/
%
What did the ocean say to the sky?

I sea that you are looking blue. Wait, it's because of me, isn't it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvuqha/what_did_the_ocean_say_to_the_sky/
%
You heard about the electrician who became a priest?

He had a shocking revelation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvuq6q/you_heard_about_the_electrician_who_became_a/
%
I used to think I was indecisive...

...But now I’m not too sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvunt6/i_used_to_think_i_was_indecisive/
%
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach?

It’s not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvul3q/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
%
Man, jokes on reddit are all reposts or your mom jokes

They keep coming around and they suck, just like your momma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvukbf/man_jokes_on_reddit_are_all_reposts_or_your_mom/
%
Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants?

In case they get a hole in one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvuju1/why_do_golfers_wear_2_pairs_of_pants/
%
Sam got 20 out of 100 on a test.

He thought it was a nice *score*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvujkm/sam_got_20_out_of_100_on_a_test/
%
How do nazis make soda?

They gas the juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvuj8b/how_do_nazis_make_soda/
%
A guy with a beard and hat rides by in a carriage while talking on the phone.

I guess he was only Am-ish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvuhy3/a_guy_with_a_beard_and_hat_rides_by_in_a_carriage/
%
I didn’t like my last haircut

but it grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvud4d/i_didnt_like_my_last_haircut/
%
What do you call Batman when he skips work?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvucly/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_skips_work/
%
Whats the best way to die?

Peacefully in your sleep... unlike the screaming passangers in your car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvub97/whats_the_best_way_to_die/
%
If life gives you melons...

You have dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvu8sb/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar

The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.
The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"?
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvu7b1/a_sailor_meets_a_pirate_in_a_bar/
%
My weight loss secret? I stopped drinking.

Butter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvu69h/my_weight_loss_secret_i_stopped_drinking/
%
Why are cookies called cookies, and bacon is called bacon, but you have to bake cookies and cook bacon?

It's like that Parkway / Driveway mess up, all over again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvu57i/why_are_cookies_called_cookies_and_bacon_is/
%
Walking into a concentration camp be like

Auschwitz here we go again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvu3kl/walking_into_a_concentration_camp_be_like/
%
Brothers John and Peter are lost in the woods...

They are both tired and hungry. The older brother Peter was hard working and obedient. The younger one was John, who is lazy and foolish. It was nightfall, and they were about to sleep when they heard a booming voice.
"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB A ROCK."
Earnest Peter did not hesitate and went off to search for a large rock. John, on the other hand, was too lazy and instead grabbed a small pebble. After they both had rocks, the voice appeared again.
"THE SIZE OF THE ROCK IN YOUR HAND SHALL BE THE SIZE OF THE BREAD YOU WILL HAVE."
All of a sudden, the rocks in their hand magically turned into warm, freshly baked bread. Excitedly, Peter began to eat his big loaf of bread while John cursed at the voice. After they were done eating, the loud voice came back again.
"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB A SMALL ROCK."
Earnest Peter did not hesitate and grabbed a small pebble. John, however, decided that he wouldn't be tricked again and hauled a big, heavy boulder. After they had their rocks, the voice appeared.
"THE LENGTH OF THE DISTANCE YOU WILL THROW YOUR ROCK SHALL BE THE LENGTH OF THE LIFE YOU WILL GET."
Peter threw his rock 30 yards ahead and gained 30 more years in his life. He praised the voice, while John was not able to throw the boulder, and did not gain any year in his life. He was getting frustrated with the voice. All of a sudden, the voice appeared for the third time.
"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB TWO ROCKS."
Earnest peter did not hesitate and grabbed two rocks of equal size. John, however, decided that he would outsmart the voice and grabbed a tiny rock and the boulder he had before. He laughed and said, "How do you like me now?" Again, the voice appeared.
"THE SIZE OF THE ROCKS YOU HAVE SHALL BE THE SIZE OF YOUR BALLS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvu2ng/brothers_john_and_peter_are_lost_in_the_woods/
%
My friend asked me " If you were to name your funny bone, how would you name it"

I replied "Humerus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvtvwy/my_friend_asked_me_if_you_were_to_name_your_funny/
%
My drug test came back negative.

My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvtupz/my_drug_test_came_back_negative/
%
I asked a German kid “Does 4+5=10?”

He said “NEIN!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvts3g/i_asked_a_german_kid_does_4510/
%
Being vegan is wrong!

I think it’s a huge missed steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvtrfo/being_vegan_is_wrong/
%
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick

She's still not talking to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvtq1g/i_accidentally_handed_my_wife_a_glue_stick/
%
A little boy had diarrhea

He asks his mom for viagra, his mom says what for and the little boy says isn't that what you give daddy when his shit isn't hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvtpyd/a_little_boy_had_diarrhea/
%
What’s a Mexican’s favourite sport

Cross country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvtn4h/whats_a_mexicans_favourite_sport/
%
Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvtm5q/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
%
What do you call a dude flashing his dick in public?

Pubic nuisance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvtlwz/what_do_you_call_a_dude_flashing_his_dick_in/
%
If communism was time

it'd be hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvthvr/if_communism_was_time/
%
Dad Joke:

(At a hotel)
Dad: We’re staying in room 323.
Me: Sweet!
Dad: No it’s just a regular room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvthta/dad_joke/
%
Someone threw a beer at Trump during the Indianapolis NRA convention.

He’s fine.  It was a draft so he easily dodged it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvtezd/someone_threw_a_beer_at_trump_during_the/
%
Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely...

..I  thought, I'd call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the  photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful  long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hi, how may I help you?" the woman says .  God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I  hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything  you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!  Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvtc8x/last_week_i_checked_into_my_hotel_in_tampa_and/
%
What’s a Russians favorite book store?

Barnes & Chernobyl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvt9ji/whats_a_russians_favorite_book_store/
%
What do you call a female Dinosaur with herpes?

A Gina-sore.
I am drunk and watching Jurassic Park.  Forgive me if this had been thought of before, I assume it had but it made us laugh a lot.  Have a great night!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvt3kw/what_do_you_call_a_female_dinosaur_with_herpes/
%
A Lion wont cheat

But a Tiger Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvt2at/a_lion_wont_cheat/
%
I buy my gun from a guy named t-rex

He is a small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvsv7d/i_buy_my_gun_from_a_guy_named_trex/
%
Wanna hear a knock knock joke?

Two men walk into a bar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvsv0j/wanna_hear_a_knock_knock_joke/
%
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvstr1/did_you_hear_about_the_buddhist_who_refused/
%
I asked my parents if If was adopted.

My dad laughed and said “why would we pick you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvss9v/i_asked_my_parents_if_if_was_adopted/
%
Felt cute, got pregnant.

Might delete later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvsrre/felt_cute_got_pregnant/
%
Rest in peace boiling water...

... You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvsoeg/rest_in_peace_boiling_water/
%
A woman once said, she recognised me from the vegetarian club

But I'd never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvsjfd/a_woman_once_said_she_recognised_me_from_the/
%
Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench, when a flasher walks up to them.

He yanks open his rain coat and exposes himself totally to them. His penis is just hanging right out there. This is an enormous shock to the old ladies and one of them has a STROKE right away!
But the other one couldn't quite reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvsj3f/two_old_ladies_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench_when_a/
%
Two fish are in a tank

One fish says,"How do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvsihz/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
Growing up people told me I'd never get a girlfriend playing video games.

But my Tindering abilities wouldn't be what they are without learning to fly in Mario 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvsha8/growing_up_people_told_me_id_never_get_a/
%
My wife refuses to let me play orchestra music when we’re having sex.

Eventually we came to a different arrangement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvsgtk/my_wife_refuses_to_let_me_play_orchestra_music/
%
History has been harsh on Hitler, but you've gotta give it to him ...

... he did kill Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvsfo5/history_has_been_harsh_on_hitler_but_youve_gotta/
%
Helpful advice if you're ever attacked by a group of clowns.

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvsb4h/helpful_advice_if_youre_ever_attacked_by_a_group/
%
How to fall down the stairs step by step guide.

Step 1, step 2, step 3, step 4, step 5, step 6,.... step 14. Continue this till you reach the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvs95j/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs_step_by_step_guide/
%
I had to throw out my animal crackers.

The package said "do not consume if seal is broken"
Credit to my dad :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvs94c/i_had_to_throw_out_my_animal_crackers/
%
Thanos, Hulk, and IronMan created a group chat...

..It’s named SnapChat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvs3by/thanos_hulk_and_ironman_created_a_group_chat/
%
Why is Yoda afraid of 7?

6 7 8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvs3a0/why_is_yoda_afraid_of_7/
%
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, Sir. You've already moved most of the earth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvrs35/golfer_id_move_heaven_and_earth_to_be_able_to/
%
A dad takes his kid to a birthday party

, and goes to sit down with the other parents. He's talking to the other parents, and realizes that he doesn't know where his kid went so he goes to look for him. He goes to the living room, barely making it through because there's so many people, and calls out his kids name. "RICHARD?" he yells. "Yes?" reply half of the kids, but he doesn't recognize his son's voice among them. He goes to the backyard and tries again. "RICHARD?" he yells. "Yes?" reply many kids, but once again, he doesn't hear his sons voice. He goes to the bathroom, to try one last time. "RICHARD?" he yells. "Yes?" reply many more kids. His son isn't there either. Discouraged, he walks back to the parents. "No luck?" asks one of the parents.
"No, it's like my ex-wife's pussy in there."
"Why, because it's so tight?" jokes one of the parents.
"No, because it's full of dicks that aren't mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvro3i/a_dad_takes_his_kid_to_a_birthday_party/
%
Why do Jews practice circumcision?

They can't resist 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvrno2/why_do_jews_practice_circumcision/
%
Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears?

She didn’t want to get hearing AIDS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvrlzs/why_did_the_blonde_put_condoms_on_her_ears/
%
[First day as a car salesman]

Customer- cargo space?
Me- car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager- Can i see you in my office?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvri4y/first_day_as_a_car_salesman/
%
Why won't airlines hire Peter Pan?

Because he'll never never land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvrg7p/why_wont_airlines_hire_peter_pan/
%
A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from a vegetarian restaurant.

I’m a bit confused because i’ve never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvrfm8/a_girl_came_up_to_me_and_said_she_recognised_me/
%
Trump is 72 years old and doesn't wear glasses.

I think this is because he's got 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvreo5/trump_is_72_years_old_and_doesnt_wear_glasses/
%
I love telling dad jokes!

Sometimes he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvrcw8/i_love_telling_dad_jokes/
%
They say you can use either the stairs or an elevator to get to the top of a building...

I prefer the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvrb9l/they_say_you_can_use_either_the_stairs_or_an/
%
“Hey I made a playlist for our hike later”

It’s a trail mix. It has a lot of Eminem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvrahe/hey_i_made_a_playlist_for_our_hike_later/
%
Why is 16 always full?

Because it 8 and 8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvra8m/why_is_16_always_full/
%
My dad told me to make the little things count.

So i’m now teaching maths to dwarfs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvr8su/my_dad_told_me_to_make_the_little_things_count/
%
What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvr8hl/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_shins/
%
As I was walking through the park I seen a man feeding the birds..

After I wandered by I did wonder how long he'd been dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvqyci/as_i_was_walking_through_the_park_i_seen_a_man/
%
Anal sex is a lot like cauliflower.

If you didn't like it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvqy0e/anal_sex_is_a_lot_like_cauliflower/
%
I need a brain transplant.

Change my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvqw43/i_need_a_brain_transplant/
%
How many Reddit users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one to do it the first time, then countless others telling their own version of the task in a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvqvni/how_many_reddit_users_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvquoe/a_burglar_broke_into_a_house_one_night/
%
Every day I like to take a little bit of time,put it away, and just forget about it.

This way,by the end of the year, I'll have a few days to myself.
(Steven Wright)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvqtrq/every_day_i_like_to_take_a_little_bit_of_timeput/
%
Why did the plumber leave his job?

He was sick of everyone's shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvqq89/why_did_the_plumber_leave_his_job/
%
I asked a friend how he views lesbian relationships

He replied with ‘full HD’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvqpjf/i_asked_a_friend_how_he_views_lesbian/
%
8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvqlzf/8_pm_i_get_an_sms_from_my_girlfriend_me_or/
%
I found a place that has 98% recycling

r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvqfgr/i_found_a_place_that_has_98_recycling/
%
Is anyone else seeing a stranger in their mirror

Or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvq9t1/is_anyone_else_seeing_a_stranger_in_their_mirror/
%
What’s Your Favorite Sex Position?

My favorite position is the JFK. I explode all over her as she screams and tries to get out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvq9ax/whats_your_favorite_sex_position/
%
I recall my first time using a condom...

I was about 16 or so and went in a pharmacy to buy a packet of condoms. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter who handed me the package. She asked me if I ever worn one and I said “no this is my first time”.
So she unwrapped the package and slid one condom over her thumb, precising that it should be tight and secure. As I seemed to be confused, she looked around the phramacy to see if it was empty. It was.
Just a minute she said, as she took me by my hand and led me near the staff door, making sure to lock it. She unbuttoned her blouse, removed it, unhooked her bra, and laid it aside. “Does this excite you?” she asked.
I was so shook all I could do was nod my head. She said it was time for me to slip on the condom while she removed her panties and lay down on a nearby desk.
“Come on”, she said, “we don’t have much time”. So I climbed on her and WOW!!!! Everything was just wonderful and then I suddenly couldn’t hold it in any longer and KAPOOWWWW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown and asked “did you put on the condom?”
I answered “I sure did”, as I held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvq8bm/i_recall_my_first_time_using_a_condom/
%
What’s the difference between Masturbation and Nirvana?

Almost nothing. Both smells like teen spirit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvq6p0/whats_the_difference_between_masturbation_and/
%
Thor and Loki enter a bar.

Thor asks for two beers to start off and gets very drunk, but Loki only has water and soda the whole night. They get into a fight with each other. Even though Loki was sober, they both leave the bar hammered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvq6kq/thor_and_loki_enter_a_bar/
%
In highschool, my girlfriend and I were asked to rearrange PNSEI to form a word

She said Spine and went on to become a doctor.
And the rest of us are reading this on reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvq6ak/in_highschool_my_girlfriend_and_i_were_asked_to/
%
How Many Emo Kids Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvq589/how_many_emo_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What's the difference between all you can eat restaurant and your grandma's?

At an all you can eat restaurant you decide when you're full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvq53t/whats_the_difference_between_all_you_can_eat/
%
The producers of Pimp My Ride were on trial...

Included in the evidence was a photo from the set.  Exhibit A: Xzbit's Exhibit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvq381/the_producers_of_pimp_my_ride_were_on_trial/
%
On average, kids asks 300 questions a day.

The most common ones being:
"what's your name?"
and
"where are my parents?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvq12u/on_average_kids_asks_300_questions_a_day/
%
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear...

...is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvpz75/the_only_thing_flatearthers_have_to_fear/
%
My wife asked me why I was talking so quietly?

I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening. She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri Laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvpyks/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_was_talking_so_quietly/
%
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

I don’t know. They arrested the lightbulb for being broke. And beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvpvwn/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
How many toddlers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, 4 isn’t enough. Because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvpuy9/how_many_toddlers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
An old man had Alzheimer's...

This old man was my neighbor, and since he had Alzheimer's he'd forgotten about what happened to his wife. So, every morning I would have to go to his house and tell him the news about his wife and how she had died. My relationship with the old man came up in an interview once. I told the interviewer how it was a real chore to keep reminding this old man about his life. One day I even decided if I should move away from this man so I can live in peace... But then I told the interviewer how it was all really worthwhile because everyday I would tell him and see the most joyous smile appear on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvpl9n/an_old_man_had_alzheimers/
%
A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations...

Closing time comes around and the officer observes a man stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before finding his. Then he sits in his car fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else had left the bar and drove off by now. Finally, the man starts his engine and began to pull away. The officer was waiting for him, pulled the driver over and administered the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvpi5l/a_police_officer_was_staking_out_a_particularly/
%
Two Jews die in the holocaust and go to heaven.

Jew 1: *laughing* Remember when they made us stay outside and caused our toes to freeze and fall off?
Jew 2: *laughing his lungs out* oh yes! And remember how the gave us “coffee” that turned out to be coal mixed with oil?
The two laugh and laugh and God approaches
God: why are you laughing? That sounds horrible!
Jew 1: *looks at him* sorry man, you had to be there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvpf07/two_jews_die_in_the_holocaust_and_go_to_heaven/
%
What do you call a bird without a green card?

An illeagle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvpbil/what_do_you_call_a_bird_without_a_green_card/
%
What do you get when you cross irony with an oxymoron?

Rust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvp9wp/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_irony_with_an/
%
What is the worst combination of two sicknesses?

Diarrhea and Alzheimer. You’re running, but you don’t know where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvp9li/what_is_the_worst_combination_of_two_sicknesses/
%
There was a man who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvp8ib/there_was_a_man_who_drove_trains_for_a_living/
%
Sean Connery was recently injured by a pile of books that fell on him.

When asked about the incident, he responded, “I had nobody but my shelf to blame.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvp2qz/sean_connery_was_recently_injured_by_a_pile_of/
%
A college professor noted that one of his students, Dave, started getting lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Dave, is that you?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvp2ic/a_college_professor_noted_that_one_of_his/
%
Making Love

My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said "Make love to me like in the movies".
So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.🤨

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvp05m/making_love/
%
NSFW - A woman and man are talking in a donation clinic...

They get to talking.
The man asks the woman, "What are you here donating?"
She replies, "Blood. They pay me $50 and I get a cookie and juice. What about you?"
He says, "Sperm. They pay my $250 and I also get a cookie and juice".
The woman frowns and thinks for a moment. Then stands up and leaves.
She returns to the front desk a few minutes later and the attendant asks, "Are you here to make another donation?"
The woman replies with pursed lips, "Mmm-hmm! “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvotup/nsfw_a_woman_and_man_are_talking_in_a_donation/
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My kid was ‘fighting’ an old oak in our backyard, hitting over and over again. I said, “Son! What did that poor tree ever so to you?!?” He replies...

“It keeps throwing shade.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvothq/my_kid_was_fighting_an_old_oak_in_our_backyard/
%
Robert Pattinson was the worst vampire ever.

It took him over ten years to turn into a bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvop3c/robert_pattinson_was_the_worst_vampire_ever/
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NSFW - A masked man bursts into a sperm bank with a gun...

He runs up to the woman working the front desk and screams, "OPEN THE VAULT!"
The woman is frightened and confused, "Sir, this is a sperm bank!"
"OPEN IT!", he yells while waving the gun.
She complies and opens the vault.
"Now take out a sample and drink it!", he demands.
"What?!", she stares at him.
"DO IT!", he screams.
She does.
"ANOTHER!", he says.
She does.
"ANOTHER", he says.
Again, she does.
The man suddenly rips off the mask and says gently, "See honey, it's not so bad..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvoo0j/nsfw_a_masked_man_bursts_into_a_sperm_bank_with_a/
%
How can you go without sleeping for 7 days and not be tired?

Sleep at night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvonw8/how_can_you_go_without_sleeping_for_7_days_and/
%
How to fall down the stairs, step by step guide.

Step 1. Step 2. Step 4. Step 7. Step 13. Repeat until at the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvojfm/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs_step_by_step_guide/
%
Want to know how I got out of Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvoipl/want_to_know_how_i_got_out_of_iraq/
%
Two drunks are talking in a bar..

Man 1: "No matter what I do, my wife always seems to know when I get home. I'll have the cab turn his headlights off before I get home and park on the street, I take my shoes off before I get inside, don't turn on any lights, I change for bed in the kitchen then creep upstairs and she's ALWAYS waiting up angry for me".
Man 2: "That's weird. I burst open the door, flip on all the lights, kick off my boots, stamp up the stairs and hop into bed, grab my wife's ass and ask for a blowjob and she's always fast asleep!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvohye/two_drunks_are_talking_in_a_bar/
%
A woman arrived at a party. While looking at the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”
“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”
“No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose “Carmen”. “What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered “B.J. Titsngolf.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvohk4/a_woman_arrived_at_a_party_while_looking_at_the/
%
What do you call a cow without legs?

Ground Beef. And a very depressed cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvohgt/what_do_you_call_a_cow_without_legs/
%
How do you know if someone deleted their Facebook?

They'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvohga/how_do_you_know_if_someone_deleted_their_facebook/
%
The kkk isn't really that racist

I went to a meeting and there were a lot of black people hanging around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvogd6/the_kkk_isnt_really_that_racist/
%
A man buys a lie detecting robot and brings it home.

Whenever the robot detected a lie, it was programmed to slap the shit out of whoever told the lie.
The man sets the dinner table with the robot and invites his family to eat.
The man starts off the dinner by asking his son what he did after school.
The son said: “I stayed after at Timmy’s house to do homework.”
The robot slaps him.
“Okay, okay, we were watching a movie.”
“Which movie?” The man asks.
“Toy Story 3”
The robot slaps the son again
“Okay, we were watching porn.”
The man, shocked and ashamed says: “Son, when I was your age, I didn’t even know what porn was!”
The robot slaps the man.
The man’s wife says: “Well, he is your son!”
The robot slaps the wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvog7l/a_man_buys_a_lie_detecting_robot_and_brings_it/
%
A blonde and a brunette were chatting, the brunette says “I had sex with a Brazilian last night.”

The blonde says “You slut! How many is a Brazilian?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvofr3/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_were_chatting_the/
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What did the Mama Tomato say to the Baby Tomato when it fell behind?

Nothing. They're fucking tomatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvodk5/what_did_the_mama_tomato_say_to_the_baby_tomato/
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Why can't 2 watermelons get married?

because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvoah0/why_cant_2_watermelons_get_married/
%
So a pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head; the bartender asks "what's up with the paper towel?"

The pirate replied with "Arghh there's a Bounty on me head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvoa1m/so_a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_paper_towel/
%
A Christian goes on a hunting trip...

He sits in his tree stand all day and sees nothing.
As he climbs out of his deer stand he slips and rolls down a large hill breaking both his legs, losing his rifle in the process.
As he lays in pain at the bottom of the hill he hears a grunting. He looks up to see a massive Grizzly lumbering down the hill towards him.
The man cries out, "Please lord! Hear me! I've sinned but I've been a good Christian. Please... Do your bidding... Make this bear a religious bear!"
The bear suddenly stops right as it gets to the man and rears up on his hind legs. The man raises his hands up to defend himself then stops and watches the bear.
The bear kneels down and bows its head, raising its paws to each other in front of him and speaks out in perfect English, "Dear Lord, Bless this food in which I am about to receive..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvo9my/a_christian_goes_on_a_hunting_trip/
%
I just spent 350$ on a limo service and just found out it doesn't come with a driver!

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvo7hl/i_just_spent_350_on_a_limo_service_and_just_found/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It don't matter what you call him, he ain't coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvo3yc/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
I always knock on the fridge door before I open it.

Just in case there’s a salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvo2x3/i_always_knock_on_the_fridge_door_before_i_open_it/
%
Doctor: You’ve lost a lot of blood. Me: That can’t be good, right?

Doctor: No. You’re the worst blood bank manager we’ve ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvnyu8/doctor_youve_lost_a_lot_of_blood_me_that_cant_be/
%
I always bring a piece of paper to a wrestling match, just in case...

The Rock is my opponent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvnxez/i_always_bring_a_piece_of_paper_to_a_wrestling/
%
A man wishes to become a monk at a temple known to teach exotic martial arts...

He visited the temple and the head monk told him: "To become a monk, you will have to resist your lust towards women."
"I will give you a test," The head monk said. "I will tie a pair of bells on your penis, if you can look at a woman for 10 seconds without the bell ringing, you can be accepted here."
The man accepted the test, and thus the head monk tied a pair of bells to the man's penis.
After the job is done, the head monk called a name. From a shack walked out a woman with big breasts.
The man tried very hard to not get a boner, unfortunately, he failed. The bells rang.
The man thought that the test was impossible. He told the head monk that is he can see the monks complete the test, he will leave without complaint.
The head monk called for 10 of his disciples. After setting up, he called for the woman's name again.
The woman walked out again from her shack, amazingly, even after half a minute, none of the bells on the monks rang.
The man is defeated. He tried to return the bell to the head monk before leaving the temple. With a slip, the bell fell from his hands, the man bent down to pick the bell up.
The bells of the monks around him rang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvnu4j/a_man_wishes_to_become_a_monk_at_a_temple_known/
%
I got another letter from this lawyer today, It said “Final Notice”.

Good that he will not bother me anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvnsgz/i_got_another_letter_from_this_lawyer_today_it/
%
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvnrfe/my_housemates_are_convinced_our_house_is_haunted/
%
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree,

I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvnq74/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree/
%
My Cousin is really good at Russian roulette,

he only lost once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvnpk2/my_cousin_is_really_good_at_russian_roulette/
%
A man without much of a formal education decides that he'd like enroll at his local college

His advisor recommends taking courses in English, European history, world religions and logic. "What's logic?" asks the man. "Why don't you ask your logic instructor" replies his advisor.
So the man goes to his logic instructor's office, introduces himself and asks what logic is about. "Well let me give you an example," says the professor, "do you own a weed wacker?" "Yes" replies the man. "Okay," says the prof, "then you must have a yard." "Yessir," replies the man. "And if you have a yard then you must have a house," infers the prof. "Yessir," says the man. "And if you have a house then you must have a family," says the prof. "Right again," replies the man. "And if you have a family, then you must be married to a woman," says the prof. "Yes!" replies the man. "And if you're married to a woman then you're straight," infers the prof. "Wow," says the man, "you found out that I'm straight from the fact that I own a weed wacker!" He thanks his instructor and heads back to his home.
On his way back home, the man sees his friend and he's excited to tell his friend about his educational endeavor. He tells his friend that he's taking courses in English, European history, world religions and logic. "What's logic?" asks the friend. "Let me give you an example," says the man, "do you own a weed wacker?" "No," replies the friend. "Then you're a queer" says the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvnb1q/a_man_without_much_of_a_formal_education_decides/
%
When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvn9sw/when_i_was_a_kid_my_mother_used_to_send_me_down/
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Vaccines are a disgusting evil to society that cause mental and physical deformities. That’s why I’m the proud anti-vaxx mother of 5 beautiful children.

Edit 1: 4 beautiful children
Edit 2: 3 beautiful children
Edit 3: 2 beautiful children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvn8h1/vaccines_are_a_disgusting_evil_to_society_that/
%
A man goes to the synagogue to talk to his Rabbi.

He says, "Rabbi, I have terrible news!  When my son went to visit Israel I thought it would be a wonderful idea.  But I guess the churches there really got to him, because when he came back he was a Christian!"
The rabbi says, "No way! You too?  I'm having the exact same problem with my son, and I worry about how it will affect our family dynamic. We should pray about this."
So the rabbi says, "We need your help, God.  Our sons went to Israel, and when they came back, they were Christians!"
And God says, "No way!  You too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvn7be/a_man_goes_to_the_synagogue_to_talk_to_his_rabbi/
%
Jokes about Lyme disease

Really get me ticked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvn5wy/jokes_about_lyme_disease/
%
NSFW: What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvn5f3/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket/
%
A fish swims and hits a concrete wall,

"Dam," yelled the fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvn4ux/a_fish_swims_and_hits_a_concrete_wall/
%
When a good christian girl starts ignoring your calls, it is not ghosting.

It is holy ghosting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvn4ns/when_a_good_christian_girl_starts_ignoring_your/
%
Why are Mechanics Good at Cunnilingus?

Because they are used to dealing with things under the hood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvn429/why_are_mechanics_good_at_cunnilingus/
%
*A man comes into the psychiatrists office wearing a bikini

Psychiatrist: well I can see your nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvn2wk/a_man_comes_into_the_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
%
A man walks into a zoo and the only animal there is a dog.

It's a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvmtrg/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo_and_the_only_animal_there/
%
Two friends meet after a couple years, and they start talking about vacations.

The first one says: "3 years ago, I went to the Maldives for Christmas, and guess what, my wife got pregnant!"
"That's awesome!" Says the other guy.
"And two Christmases ago" continues the first guy "I went to Hawaii, and she got pregnant again!"
"Wow, I'm so, so happy for you" replies the other guy.
"But wait, there's more! Last Christmas, I organized a last minute trip to the Bahamas, and against all odds, she got pregnant once again!"
"I can't believe it. This truly is incredible" his friend says. "And what are you gonna do this Christmas?" He asks.
"Oh I don't know" he says "But sure as hell the bitch is coming with me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvmsy0/two_friends_meet_after_a_couple_years_and_they/
%
Why did the goose cross the road?

To go be a dick to someone else.
Geese are dicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvmnzv/why_did_the_goose_cross_the_road/
%
Told my wife she draws her eyebrows too high.

She looked suprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvmmg5/told_my_wife_she_draws_her_eyebrows_too_high/
%
Night at the fair

A young man decides to take his tinder date to the fair.  He meets her at the gates, pays their admission and in they go.  They ride some rides, eat some deep fried Oreos, play some games.  He asks her what she wants to do next.
A smile crosses her face and she says, “I wanna get
weighed.”
So they go over to the guess your weight booth and the guy running it guesses 125.  Her exact weight.
She looks confused and disappointed so he takes her on a few more rides to cheer her up.  He asks her again what she wants to do next.
A smile crosses her face again and says, “I wanna get weighed.”
Slightly confused the man takes her back to the guess your weight booth.  The booth operator looks at then quizzically and says, “125?  Again.”
She again looks confused and disappointed.  They go to play a few more games and ride the Ferris wheel.  Wheel.  When they get off the ride he asks her again what she wants to do next.
A smile crosses her face again and she says, with a little exasperation, “I wanna get weighed!”
The young man loses his cool.  “You are ridiculous!  I took you out here for a great time in the hopes we could have a little fun afterwards and all you want to do is get weighed!!  Gah!!!”  He storms off without letting her get another word out.
Dejected and rejected the young woman heads home.
As she heads through the front door her roommate asks her how her date went.  She replies,
“Wousy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvmkm0/night_at_the_fair/
%
One day, grandpa is taking care of his grandson...

Sitting on the porch, he's watching him picking up worms and trying to put them back in their holes on the dirt.
-That won't work, son. They're too soft and too slimy to be inserted like that.
-Wanna bet, grandpa?
-I'm telling you, it won't work.
-How about $10?
Seeing how confident the kid was, he agrees. Next thing he knows, kid rushes inside and comes out with grandma's hair spray. He takes a worm and doses it thoroughly. In seconds the worn goes stiff and he manages to insert it in the first try.
Grandpa grabs the can and tells him to wait, then goes inside. Half an hour pases and he finally comes back, handling the kid $60 bucks.
-Here, take it.
-But that's more than I asked for.
-$10 are for the bet. The other $50 are from your grandma as a thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvmi8d/one_day_grandpa_is_taking_care_of_his_grandson/
%
The Three Legged Chicken

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.
Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!
The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvmh21/the_three_legged_chicken/
%
I absolutely hate the flavor of that pink antacid medicine.

It's pept-abysmal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvmglu/i_absolutely_hate_the_flavor_of_that_pink_antacid/
%
What sound does a subatomic duck make?

Quark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvmgih/what_sound_does_a_subatomic_duck_make/
%
A clown puts on their trademark oversized footwear...

Hilarity ensues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvmg76/a_clown_puts_on_their_trademark_oversized_footwear/
%
How do you make an octopus laugh?

With ten tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvmean/how_do_you_make_an_octopus_laugh/
%
I was arrested for stealing kitchen utensils.

It was worth the whisk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvmdpm/i_was_arrested_for_stealing_kitchen_utensils/
%
What did the kidney stone say to the man?

Urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvmcrv/what_did_the_kidney_stone_say_to_the_man/
%
So I saw a group of youths (6 in total) starting a fight with a ginger lad

He did some sort of MMA combination and knock ever one of them out, turns out he was the carroty kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvmb87/so_i_saw_a_group_of_youths_6_in_total_starting_a/
%
Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvm3la/where_do_you_find_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
I wondered for a long time why Apple and Microsoft went straight from iPhone/Windows 8 straight to X/10...

Then it finally occurred to me that 7 ate 9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvm24f/i_wondered_for_a_long_time_why_apple_and/
%
After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

“Who was that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvm176/after_my_prostate_exam_the_doctor_left_the_nurse/
%
Yesterday, my brother did 100m quicker than Usain Bolt.

No-one said it had to be horizontal rather than vertical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvm06n/yesterday_my_brother_did_100m_quicker_than_usain/
%
Little Johnny is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.

A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.
All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.
"What was that mommy" says Johnny, "Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased, "Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of the dick on him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvlme8/little_johnny_is_in_the_car_with_his_mother_and/
%
What is worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvljze/what_is_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Everybody keeps telling me I have small handwriting.

But I just don’t see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvlh5h/everybody_keeps_telling_me_i_have_small/
%
There are 3 people on a island, a ginger, a brunette, and a blonde

The nearest land is 50 miles from the shore. They have no source of food so they just decide to swim. The ginger makes it 30 miles, and dies. The brunette is next, they make it 32 miles, then drowns. The blonde goes next, and makes it 25 miles, gets tired, and swims back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvlgcq/there_are_3_people_on_a_island_a_ginger_a/
%
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvlg07/i_heard_a_report_about_a_bad_outbreak_of_the/
%
A doctor and his wife are having a heated argument over breakfast.

The fight escalates, both say things they’d soon regret, and he caps it off with “...and sex with you ain’t so great anyway!” before storming off to work.
During his lunch time, he feels horrible, and decides to call his wife to apologize. After 10 rings, she finally answers.
“What took you so long to answer?” he asks.
“I was in bed,” she replies curtly.
“It’s noon,” he says. “What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvlepx/a_doctor_and_his_wife_are_having_a_heated/
%
My wife went away for the weekend

So I did what any handsome stud would do. I went to the pub/bar. I proceeded to go from barstool to barstool trying to get lucky. But, you know what? I didn’t find any gum underneath any of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvld4m/my_wife_went_away_for_the_weekend/
%
There were three lawyers and three MBAs traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket.

‘How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks an MBA. ‘Watch and you’ll see’ answers a lawyer.
They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, ‘Ticket, please.’ The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The MBAs see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBAs decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don’t buy a ticket at all. ‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asks one perplexed MBA. ‘This time we can’t tell you,’ says one of the lawyers, ‘it’s a professional secret.’
When they all board the train the three MBAs cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, ‘Ticket please.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvlc2a/there_were_three_lawyers_and_three_mbas_traveling/
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Stalin was visiting a town (actual joke from Soviet era)

Stalin was visiting a small town in Russia. Huge crowd was there to receive him, holding signs with words of praise for Stalin, Party, Union etc.
Among them, secret police  officers spotted a particularly old man holding a sign saying "Thank you comrade Stalin, for a happy childhood!".
Officers approached him angrily. "What is this, some kind of mockery!? You must be at least 80 years old, comrade Stalin wasn't even born when you were a child!"
Old man said - "That's exactly what I'm thankful for!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvlbn2/stalin_was_visiting_a_town_actual_joke_from/
%
Two dinosaurs are involved in a traffic accident. The diplodocus spins off, but luckily comes to a stop on the verge without too much damage.

Unfortunately the Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvlavp/two_dinosaurs_are_involved_in_a_traffic_accident/
%
I have what it takes to be gay.

I just don't have it in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvl5d4/i_have_what_it_takes_to_be_gay/
%
Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital!!!.... just kidding they get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvl50g/where_do_horses_go_when_they_get_sick/
%
Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu; you get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvl05i/did_you_hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
%
What do you call a deaf Gynecologists?

a Lip Reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvkzbk/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologists/
%
What do you call a line of cucumbers waiting for the bus?

Queuecumbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvkx1u/what_do_you_call_a_line_of_cucumbers_waiting_for/
%
How many kids with A.D.D does it take to change a light bulb?

Wanna ride bikes?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvks20/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang.
There stood her date.
He took one look at her and said  "I'm two hours late, and you're still not ready?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvkp0r/after_waiting_more_than_an_hour_and_a_half_for/
%
Two aliens are talking to each other in space.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvknfu/two_aliens_are_talking_to_each_other_in_space/
%
A man walks into a bookstore and asks "Hi, have you got that new book about tiny penises?"

The lady behind the counter says "I don't think it's in yet"
The man says "yep, that's the one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvkj7e/a_man_walks_into_a_bookstore_and_asks_hi_have_you/
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I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami concert

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvkhip/i_misplaced_dwayne_johnsons_cutting_tool_for_the/
%
What automatically spoils a reddit post?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvkfy2/what_automatically_spoils_a_reddit_post/
%
Just before we paid the check at a restaurant, a cute waitress saw some leftovers and asked my dad “you wanna box?”

“Nah, I would rather wrestle”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvkf6h/just_before_we_paid_the_check_at_a_restaurant_a/
%
What is DJ Khalid’s favourite number?

11.
Because it has another one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvkdkv/what_is_dj_khalids_favourite_number/
%
I quit my job as a postman the first day when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvkcfp/i_quit_my_job_as_a_postman_the_first_day_when/
%
A man was selling the bumper of a pick-up on Craigslist...

A potential buyer calls and asks where it came from.  The man replies, "Let's just say it fell off a truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvkb78/a_man_was_selling_the_bumper_of_a_pickup_on/
%
What do you call when two Vietnamese run into each other ?

I's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvk9lg/what_do_you_call_when_two_vietnamese_run_into/
%
I started a trampoline business in Prague. Business is good...

But the Czechs keep bouncing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvk49l/i_started_a_trampoline_business_in_prague/
%
What room has no doors?

A mushroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvk31p/what_room_has_no_doors/
%
Let's take all these bad chemistry jokes

and barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvk06t/lets_take_all_these_bad_chemistry_jokes/
%
What are the similarities between an apple and a depressed kid?

They both hang from trees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvjy6a/what_are_the_similarities_between_an_apple_and_a/
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Why are there no lawyers in Ireland?

Because St Patrick chased away all of the snakes 1000 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvjxhr/why_are_there_no_lawyers_in_ireland/
%
A man is at the funeral of an old friend.

He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."
The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."
Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."
Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Earth." The widow replies, "Thank you, that means the world."
Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Being alive." The widow replies, "Thank you, he would have liked that."
Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Infinity" . The widow replies, "Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine."
Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Fhqwhgads". The widow replies: "Thanks, you don't know what that means."
Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “The Mariana Trench.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that’s really deep.”
Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a few words too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "water pit". The widow replies: "Thanks, I know you mean well."
Another man approaches the widow and says: “I’m truly sorry for your loss, he was a great man.” The widow replies: “I’m not sure you understand what’s happening here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvjsz4/a_man_is_at_the_funeral_of_an_old_friend/
%
I wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me now…

But nooooooo! The mother fucker is still alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvjse9/i_wish_my_ex_could_look_down_from_heaven_and_see/
%
The Queen of England and the Pope are at a hairdresser's

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different hairdresser, not a word was spoken.
The hairdressers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to religion.
As the hairdressers finished their haircut, the one who had the Queen in his chair reached for the perfume. The Queen was quick to stop him, saying:
“No thanks, my husband will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.”
The second hairdresser turned to the Pope and said: “How about you, Your Holiness?"
The Pope replied, “Go ahead, my boyfriend is too young to know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvjr0m/the_queen_of_england_and_the_pope_are_at_a/
%
Why can you never trust stairs?

Because they’re always up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvjpex/why_can_you_never_trust_stairs/
%
Wanna hear a short joke?

a midget walks into a mini bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvjn28/wanna_hear_a_short_joke/
%
What did the Little Mermaid wear to math class?

Her algae bra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvjm2j/what_did_the_little_mermaid_wear_to_math_class/
%
Thank God for nipples.

Without them boobs would be pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvji8r/thank_god_for_nipples/
%
I have sexdaily

I mean dyslexia.
Fcuk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvjdky/i_have_sexdaily/
%
So I went to the doctor...

I didn't feel well, So I went to my doctor.   The doc asked me, "so, whats the problem?"  I told him, "I'm sick!  I've got hepatitis, tuberculosis, Cancer, and I'm HIV positive!  You've got to help me, doc!"   So the doctor says that he will run some tests, and he will call me to give me the results.   A week later I get a call from my doctor.   He says that I have to come to the office to hear the test results firsthand.   I walk into his office with my heart in my throat, and he tells me, "Your test results came back... negative.   You are perfectly healthy, however, I do think that you are a bit of a hypochondriac."   I leaned back in my seat and muttered to myself, "I knew it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvjaxz/so_i_went_to_the_doctor/
%
Cat prints were found at a murder scene

Its pawsible the cat did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvj5bm/cat_prints_were_found_at_a_murder_scene/
%
Why do so many conservatives own game consoles?

Because they hate PC culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvj2p9/why_do_so_many_conservatives_own_game_consoles/
%
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bviyzr/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_was/
%
Hey, do you hear about that restaurant on the moon?

Great service, no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvix6z/hey_do_you_hear_about_that_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bviwd7/contrary_to_belief_wikipedia_actually_has_less/
%
Loving noodles is almost as if you are religious

Can I get a ramen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvivif/loving_noodles_is_almost_as_if_you_are_religious/
%
A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first horse's tail. But the horse recoiled in pain and in a frenzy bit off the tip of the second horse's tail. Now they both had shortened tails.
The two men looked and the neighbor got another idea: "If you just snip a bit of the first one's ear, you could tell them apart that way". So the man took his scissors and snipped a little part of the first horse's left ear but of course he began trashing around and in a frenzy bit off a small part of the other horse's left ear. The two men were really annoyed, but they wouldn't give up. "Alright, do the other ear, you could still tell them apart that way". But sure as hell, as the man snipped the first horse's other ear, he trashed around in pain and bit off a bit of the second horse's ear. They now both had snipped ears and tail.
As the two men looked intensely for ideas, the neighbour said: "Well you know, I think you could tell them apart by height. The brown one is a bit taller than the white one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvith1/a_man_decides_to_buy_two_horses_when_he_brought/
%
Actually I’m a Hetero Sapien...

How dare you assume my genus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvinue/actually_im_a_hetero_sapien/
%
How many potatoes do you need to kill an Irish man?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvimly/how_many_potatoes_do_you_need_to_kill_an_irish_man/
%
A friend of mine asked what my IQ was...

I told him it was 60. He was pretty shocked, but I'm not worried. I was tested in Celsius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvil6i/a_friend_of_mine_asked_what_my_iq_was/
%
How much room should you give fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvicoz/how_much_room_should_you_give_fungi_to_grow/
%
Which plant is the spookiest?

BamBOO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvi8yk/which_plant_is_the_spookiest/
%
Yesterday i said I would write two jokes

jokes jokes
Jk anti vaxers and flat Earth people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvi7i0/yesterday_i_said_i_would_write_two_jokes/
%
What do you call a cowboy with no legs?

A low down dirty bum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvi78x/what_do_you_call_a_cowboy_with_no_legs/
%
I found my ex lying unconscious in my backyard when i was cutting grass...

Then i remembered my psychiatrist's advice to forget the past, get over her and mow on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvi65o/i_found_my_ex_lying_unconscious_in_my_backyard/
%
I’m really torn between the pro life and pro choice debate

On one hand, I love killing babies. On the other hand, I don’t really want women to have choices

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvi4jc/im_really_torn_between_the_pro_life_and_pro/
%
Communist jokes arnt funny

Well unless everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvi4io/communist_jokes_arnt_funny/
%
Which country is the best in construction?

U-Crane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvi1t0/which_country_is_the_best_in_construction/
%
Who is paying for the wall?

Mexico
Mexic
Mexi
Mex
Me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvi0yo/who_is_paying_for_the_wall/
%
How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They are too busy screwing up the country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvhyva/how_many_politicians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher.

I went down to the butcher shop and said to him, "Who said you could sleep with MY wife?"
He said, "Everybody."
-Rodney Dangerfield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvhv4z/i_found_out_my_wife_was_having_an_affair_with_the/
%
Have you ever use Taco Bell hot sauce as anal lube?

I hear that shit's fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvhudx/have_you_ever_use_taco_bell_hot_sauce_as_anal_lube/
%
The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvhtu2/the_saying_say_no_to_drugs_has_always_made_me/
%
A man was recommended to learn fencing after he got wooshed and lost all his reddit karma

He joined the local fencing club and set to work, striving to become the best. Nobody knew why he had joined, and how he managed to defeat even the best at the club. The club champion asked after a long matching ending in defeat, 'How do you get so good? What is your training tactic?"
The man replies, "Riposteing is the best way to get karma"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvhs0o/a_man_was_recommended_to_learn_fencing_after_he/
%
Anyone know how Jesus makes tea??

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvhrs7/anyone_know_how_jesus_makes_tea/
%
I wish I could see what mischief my students are getting up to at the far end of the school yard.

Alas, I've never had good pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvhp25/i_wish_i_could_see_what_mischief_my_students_are/
%
Them: what did you major in? Me: calligraphy

Them: why did you get such a useless degree?
Me: it was cheaper than an mba from from Harvard.
Them: so ? It’s a worthless degree, you would have made more money if you showed up to a job interview with a degree from Harvard.
Me: look, I can show up to a job interview with a degree from any school I want now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvhgfr/them_what_did_you_major_in_me_calligraphy/
%
If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son

I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvhcbn/if_youre_having_voice_problems_i_feel_bad_for_you/
%
I was finishing an apple and I nearly chipped a tooth on it.

It was pretty hardcore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvh8ge/i_was_finishing_an_apple_and_i_nearly_chipped_a/
%
A study done by me shows that 74% of people are bad at mathematics.

Fortunately, I'm in the remaining 34%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvh58t/a_study_done_by_me_shows_that_74_of_people_are/
%
Your momma so fat

She spans ℝ3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvh4zd/your_momma_so_fat/
%
A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)
Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?
His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.
Writer: Like what?
His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sanders”
Writer: Yeah, cause Bernie is not a capitalist....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvh48t/a_writer_from_the_new_york_times_submits_an/
%
A friend once set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a total idiot waiting in the club wearing nothing but a diaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvh43p/a_friend_once_set_me_up_on_a_blind_date/
%
My friend always keeps his spirits high in spite of his severe heart condition.

He does everything holeheartedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvh40b/my_friend_always_keeps_his_spirits_high_in_spite/
%
What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?

An investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvh2w7/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_a_vest_on_an/
%
My friend said he didn't understand what cloning was.

I said that makes two of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvh1y5/my_friend_said_he_didnt_understand_what_cloning/
%
I got hit by a rental car today

It really Hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvh131/i_got_hit_by_a_rental_car_today/
%
My wife's the worst. You give her an inch...

And she wants six more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvh0kw/my_wifes_the_worst_you_give_her_an_inch/
%
Irish Nuns

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough!!..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvgyx4/irish_nuns/
%
What does a Spanish cow say after eating grass?

Grassias

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvgv6y/what_does_a_spanish_cow_say_after_eating_grass/
%
What do you call a cow without legs?

Ground Beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvguo9/what_do_you_call_a_cow_without_legs/
%
A man was stabbed with a protractor.

The pain was acute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvgu6t/a_man_was_stabbed_with_a_protractor/
%
What do you call the guy who works the lights on a porn set?

The illumi-naughty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvgtk7/what_do_you_call_the_guy_who_works_the_lights_on/
%
no condoms forever

or whatever black panther said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvgszu/no_condoms_forever/
%
Master Jhu Sao is teaching his pupil about combat...

Master Jhu Sao has been the young man's mentor since the young man first walked.  After many years of hard work, he is ready for his final test.
Master Sao says to the man, "I have taught you all that I know. The real test will be brought to you from the outside, where you must use your knowledge and creativity to succeed.  Follow the trail up tallest mountain, and you will find the wise guider, Tao Tao.  You will recognize him as he is missing his left arm. Follow him to the five rings of tribulation.
"You will be tested with the five core principles and traits of combat: Wisdom, Agility, Strength, Skill of Foot, and Skill of Arm.  Only upon passing all five feats will you be declared a Master, and receive the blessing of leading your own Dojo.  You must head out when the clock strikes midnight of the full moon. The next is tomorrow, but I believe you are ready."
Master Sao then bows to his pupil.  Unable to speak out of fear, excitement, and anxiety, the young man bows and heads home to plan his trip.
Upon arriving home, the young man scouts maps to figure out the most likely mountain to find Tao Tao on.
"Hmmmm.. could it be the great western mountain of Mount Ryo? No, it is towered over by it's sister mountain Mount Ling."
The young man continues to browse until..
"There! It must be Mount Pi-Clo. It may not look the tallest to the naked eye, but it spans miles below sea level."
The young man begins his travels.
He finds the trail that heads up the mountain and notices a man standing on the side of the path about half way up. The man is missing a limb.
"Have you come to obtain that which all seek?" Asked Tao Tao.
The young man confirmed, and followed Tao Tao through the woods of the mountain. They arrive at a door in the mountain, where Tao Tao wished the young man luck, and headed back to his post.
The young man opened the door and was greeted by a line of fourty other willing looking men and women waiting behind a door marked "Wisdom." He waits a few hours, gaining impatience, until it is his turn, and heads in.
Sitting on the ground is a small squirrel. The squirrel speaks to the man.
"If you seek glory, you must first answer a simple question.  Where are we?"
The young man obviously knows they are in Mount Pi-Clo, but that is too simple.  He continues to ponder and ponder until he notices dirt and scraps on the floor begin to shift in an odd pattern.
"My observation is telling me we have entered into a coal mine. The static field created by equipment above us is causing particles to move."
The squirrel confirms this as correct, and grants him a medallion for passing the wisdom test. He continues through the door on the opposite door, where he is greeted with thirty people waiting in line for their test.  In front of them is a door marked Agility.  After two hours, the young man enters the second waiting room.
Inside is an older man in a rocking chair, holding a pebble in his hand.  His chair is engraved "So-Su the Swift."  The young man chuckles to himself, as he knows the classic pebble snatching trick is in front of him. So-Su speaks up..
"In order to pass my test, you must snatch this pebble from my hand."
The young man gets the feeling it will not be an easy task, as reaching for the stone will always be slower than the fist that closes. He comes up with a plan..
The young man steps forward and kicks the rocking chair as it rocks forward. Momentum bring the pebble towards him, and he snatches it out of mid-air.  So-Su is impressed, and awards him the Medallion of Agility.  He moves on to the third test.
He enters, and sees a line of twenty people waiting behind a door marked "Strength.". In this room, everyone looks muscular and excited. Some stretching, some arm wrestling. Although nervous, the young man waits an hour and enters.
Inside is a tall woman. The woman speaks up.
"Hello brave traveler. I am Momon the Muscular. In order to pass my test, you must remove my feet from the ground."
The young man approaches her and tries to lift her.  She will not budge.
The young man realizes none of his tests have been straight forward, and have all actually been a test of wisdom. He then begins to think of a new method.
He pushes the woman as hard as he can, with his leg behind her. She trips and falls, but only after her feet both leave the ground.
A bit disgruntled, she hands him the Medallion of Strength, and grants him passage to the fourth waiting room. Inside are maybe 10 people waiting behind the door labeled "Skill of Foot."  After waiting half an hour, he enters.
Inside are a tree and a centaur; the latter immediately speaks to him, "You will no longer be able to rely on wit and creativity to pass.  You must kick this tree in a way the rustles the leaves and result in the fowls abandoning their home."
The young man walks around the tree and thinks deeply. He remember the most powerful kick he knows, and finds the trees vulnerable spot. He kicks it with all his might and concentration...
All of the birds fly out of the tree and leave some limbs and leaves falling out of the tree.
The centaur is extremely impressed and grants him passage to the final room, after awarding him the Medallion of Feet.
The young man enters the final waiting room to find no one waiting in line. He walks straight through to the final room labeled "Skill of Arm."
Inside, he finds his master.  Master Jhu Sao exclaims, "My pupil! I am very proud to have you standing in front of me for your final test.. the test of your hand to hand combat.  You will face one challenge on punching. But before we begin, do you have any questions?"
Now, the young man has a TON of questions, but one is bothering him above all the others. He asks..
"Is this really an impressive feat to get here? The other challenges seemed so simple.. but there was no line to enter here. What is deterring all others from reaching here?"
Master Jhu Sao responds, "Young pupil, you must understand. Many venture to the Wisdom test. Most reach the test of Agility.  A few then wait their turn for the test of Strength, and the line for kicking is much shorter. But one principle must hold true to the end:
There is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvgsmd/master_jhu_sao_is_teaching_his_pupil_about_combat/
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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks " why the long face"?
The horse unable to speak english, shits on the floor and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvgrp3/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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Obama and Trump are at a barbershop

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him, saying:
“No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.”
The second barber turned to Obama and said: “How about you, Mr. Obama?
Obama replied, “Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvgkxj/obama_and_trump_are_at_a_barbershop/
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My Lord, the Savior

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.
He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.
She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom.
His mother smiled and said
'The Lord is out there don't be afraid'.
The little boy opened the back door a little and said
'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvgjcn/my_lord_the_savior/
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My Dad installed a shelf in the wall of the shower today. It's nice, but it wont appeal to everyone

It's a bit niche

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvgger/my_dad_installed_a_shelf_in_the_wall_of_the/
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Me: Are You Bi?

Her: Yeah, i am
Me: Have you told your parents?
Her: Yes. Why are you asking?
Me: That must’ve taken them.. bi surprise
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvgf49/me_are_you_bi/
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What do you call a shoe that is made from bananas?

A slipper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvgeyn/what_do_you_call_a_shoe_that_is_made_from_bananas/
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I was in a bank yesterday.

A grandma asked me to check her balance.
I pushed her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvgbr0/i_was_in_a_bank_yesterday/
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So two men get drunk together and start beating each other up

After several hours, when every attempt has been made to split the two up,  a bystander decides to just cut their arms off to stop all the punching. But then the drunks start kicking the shit out of each other. So the bystander cuts their legs off.
So there they lay,  unarmed and defeated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvg9bv/so_two_men_get_drunk_together_and_start_beating/
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I got pulled over the other day...

A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Me: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Me: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Me: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. I was then quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached me to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Me: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Me: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Me: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Me: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Me: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvg8wd/i_got_pulled_over_the_other_day/
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Most girls are like modern computers

They won’t accept my 3 1/2” floppy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvg8dl/most_girls_are_like_modern_computers/
%
I Wanted to Make the Dumbest Joke Ever...

Too bad my parents already beat me to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvg7od/i_wanted_to_make_the_dumbest_joke_ever/
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What kind of STD can you get from an Eskimo?

Snow crabs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvg2wt/what_kind_of_std_can_you_get_from_an_eskimo/
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What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed?

Oh sheeeeeet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvg2o6/what_does_the_blanket_say_when_it_falls_off_the/
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A jumper Cable walks into bar,

The bartender says: I will serve you but don't start anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvfzhx/a_jumper_cable_walks_into_bar/
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[NSFW] Sandpaper Sally

A young man was celebrating his 18th birthday and having a heck of a time. Everything was great and the day couldn't be better. After the evening festivities died down his father approached him.
"Son, are you a virgin?" He asked, with his gift in hand.
"No, dad! I have made the sex with many women!"
"Son, I realize you're just trying to look cool in front of your father. I know you have, in fact, not. Here, I want you to have this $200 and get yourself a nice night with a local prostitute at the whore house down the street."
"Great, dad!" he replied. "I'll finally become a man in both age and spirit!"
"Whatever you do, son... Don't fornicate with Sandpaper Sally!"
"I won't, father!" His excitement exuded from his body as he skipped merrily to the brothel.
Along the way, the boy ran into his very good friend.
"Friend! Happy 18th birthday! Wherever are you off to?" The colleague shouted.
"To the brothel! My father gifted me a romp in the hay to decide my manhood!"
"Alas! That is fantastic." The peer replied. "Be sure you're not lulled into the arms of Sandpaper Sally!"
"I have already received that warning, my good Sir! And I thank you!"
Finally the boy arrives at the brothel and confidentially puts all of his money on the counter.
"Your finest courtuson available, Ma'dam!"
"Ah yes, young lad. The finest available is Mistress Sally!"
Torn, the new man contemplates his choices. It would be a waste to forgo this night... A pussy is a pussy, a fuck is a fuck - he'd never know the difference, as it was his first time.
"Please, allow me some alone time with Sally."
In the room, the young man waited until a hot, perfect, fine woman entered and started her courtship. She danced, stripped, and sang. All was the epitome of empyrean until he started moving his penis inside of her.
It was coarse, rough, unpleasant. After only a minute of agony he had to stop the woman.
"I'm sorry, ma'lady! But you must cease. This is unpleasant, and if this is sex, I think I must abstain for the rest of my years!"
"I am so sorry!" She is almost in tears. "Please, allow me a minute alone."
She runs to the bathroom and stays for only the minute promised and returns. Without a word she begins again on the lad. This time it is divine. Soft - smooth - slippery - other alliterative adjectives. Finally, he has to know...
" Sally, this is so amazing! What... What did you do in the bathroom?"
"Oh," Sally blushes, "I just picked my scabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvfwon/nsfw_sandpaper_sally/
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Today I Picked Up A New Book On Anti-Gravity

I can't seem to put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvfthd/today_i_picked_up_a_new_book_on_antigravity/
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Now I'm not saying my dentist is a sex machine

I'm just saying he REALLY knows how to fill a cavity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvfs8y/now_im_not_saying_my_dentist_is_a_sex_machine/
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How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A Brazilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvfs2k/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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85% of all women think their ass is too fat. 10% of all women think their ass is too thin.

And 5% are really happy that they married him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvfo0c/85_of_all_women_think_their_ass_is_too_fat_10_of/
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This little old lady is quite the entrepreneur.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the police officer.  "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to a golf course.
"A lot of golfers come and wee wee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
"It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it?
"So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'"
“Well, that seems only fair," said the police officer, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays,” she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvflu0/this_little_old_lady_is_quite_the_entrepreneur/
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What is the best way to become a millionaire?

Be a billionaire and marry Donald Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvfja6/what_is_the_best_way_to_become_a_millionaire/
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Samuel L Jackson has a condition which means he is addicted to having sex with female donkeys that have children. However he can never bring them to orgasm.

He is one bad, ass-mother fucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvfj1b/samuel_l_jackson_has_a_condition_which_means_he/
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What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvfgtx/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_walken/
%
What do you call someone who electrocutes hot dogs?

Frank Zappa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvfd3i/what_do_you_call_someone_who_electrocutes_hot_dogs/
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" hey dad, I wanna date the girl next door what do you think?" Said the son, "no you can't!, don't tell this to your mom but, that girl is your sister" replied the father

Son: "What about the girl across the street".
Dad:"unfortunately son, that is also your sister".
Son: "how about the girl that works in the bakery down street".
Dad: " I'm really sorry son but, she's also your sister".
So the son gets frustrated and, goes to his mom to complain about it.
Mom said: " don't worry about it son, he's not even your real father".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvf9sb/hey_dad_i_wanna_date_the_girl_next_door_what_do/
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[NSFW]A man and his family are checking in to a hotel, at the front counter the man leans in and says "I assume the porn is disabled?"

The clerk says "No it's regular porn, you sick fuck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvf82r/nsfwa_man_and_his_family_are_checking_in_to_a/
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Someone told me that homeopathy is complete crap.

I told him, it's only 0.00000001% crap, it's been watered down so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvf7rz/someone_told_me_that_homeopathy_is_complete_crap/
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What's up with anal sex? I don't get it.

Thankfully.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvf1yq/whats_up_with_anal_sex_i_dont_get_it/
%
Why did the blood fail the writing test?

Too many type Os.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvewb3/why_did_the_blood_fail_the_writing_test/
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What’s The difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

Pick pockets snatch watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bveutv/whats_the_difference_between_a_pick_pocket_and_a/
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What do you call a potato with glasses?

A spectator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bveulu/what_do_you_call_a_potato_with_glasses/
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My buddy asks me if I remember that show "Locked up Abroad."

I says "No, never seen it. What'd they lock her up for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bveta6/my_buddy_asks_me_if_i_remember_that_show_locked/
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What happened at the funeral of the man who invented the USB?

They lowered his coffin, took it out, flipped it the other way round, then lowered it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bveonz/what_happened_at_the_funeral_of_the_man_who/
%
Why are guitar shops always on one level?

Because No Stairway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvenp9/why_are_guitar_shops_always_on_one_level/
%
A blonde woman is distraught because she thinks her husband is having an affair, so she goes out and purchases a handgun...

The following day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a gorgeous brunette.
She grabs the gun and holds it against her own temple.
The husband immediately jumps out of bed, begging her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde yells, "Shut up! You're next!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvefjq/a_blonde_woman_is_distraught_because_she_thinks/
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If life gives you melons...

You are dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvedbq/if_life_gives_you_melons/
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A redditor with an interest in fencing was on r/rareinsults

He found an amusing and witty retort, and was about to upvote, but alas he remembered. It was a riposte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bveamd/a_redditor_with_an_interest_in_fencing_was_on/
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My doctor said I lacked an imagination

I couldn’t believe it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bve7s5/my_doctor_said_i_lacked_an_imagination/
%
Did you know that light travels faster than sound?

That's why some people appear bright until they start talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bve5kv/did_you_know_that_light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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Woman asks confucious

Woman asks Confucious: “If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut.But when a man sleeps with 8 girls, everyone calls him a real man How come?” “It’s very simple”, Confucious says. “When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it’s a bad lock. But when one key can open 8 different locks, we call it a master key”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bve5d9/woman_asks_confucious/
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Every morning at breakfast, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bve52r/every_morning_at_breakfast_i_announce_loudly_to/
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A man walks into a bar with a shitgun

He yells: "Who slept with my wife?!"
The barman says: "Are you crazy?! You don't have enough ammo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bve3ik/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_shitgun/
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Racist jokes are like unvaccinated children

they never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bve1x0/racist_jokes_are_like_unvaccinated_children/
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Stopping a girl from jumping off a bridge

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to commit a suicide,” she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity he asked.
“Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a Kiss?”
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvdx2e/stopping_a_girl_from_jumping_off_a_bridge/
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My Loving Wife

A couple years ago I met the love of my life. She's beautiful, intelligent, and compliments all of my weaknesses with her strengths. Recently, she became pregnant and I could not be more filled with joy. We found out we were having a boy, which was the perfect icing on the cake. Now there will be someone to carry on my name and it's all thanks to her.
Now bear in mind, I love her with all my heart. But as she has reached her time of delivery today she's become a little difficult to talk to.  She's constantly uncomfortable, I see her wince more frequently from her pre-loabor pains, and she is getting pretty nasty with me.
All she has said to me is:
"You're such a bastard"
"It's your fault I'm in all this pain and it's your spawn that's trying to rip me in half"
"You're scum and you must've done this so it'd kill me"
"If you'd just kept it in your pants we'd not be here you asshole"
"If you weren't such a such a shithead, you'd have taken a moment and would've thought of the consequences."
I'm completely at a loss and all I can say to her is:
"Honey I can tell it's time for us to get to the hospital.  You've clearly had an increase in your contractions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvduxq/my_loving_wife/
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Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”

Husband: “With a minute of silence.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvduxw/wife_its_our_wedding_anniversary_in_a_week/
%
You know what they say about construction fetishists...

If you build it, they will come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvdtpo/you_know_what_they_say_about_construction/
%
Thank you, thank you for always sticking up to me, thank you for always being there, thank you for always coming back to me even though I pushed you away and thank you for always sucking up to me.

Thank you mosquitoes!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvdstg/thank_you_thank_you_for_always_sticking_up_to_me/
%
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"

Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvds9o/woman_to_her_husband_while_at_it_please_say_dirty/
%
What’s the difference between New York and Paris?

Paris only lost one tower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvdp2f/whats_the_difference_between_new_york_and_paris/
%
What do you call it when God can't get a boner?

Omnimpotence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvdh0x/what_do_you_call_it_when_god_cant_get_a_boner/
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I asked my father what nepotism is...

He just said, “you’ll get it when you’re older”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvdfta/i_asked_my_father_what_nepotism_is/
%
Why was Mohammed's mom so rich?

Because she made a prophet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvddqd/why_was_mohammeds_mom_so_rich/
%
I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big black guy, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.
"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvdd4n/i_dropped_the_soap_in_the_prison_shower_today/
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I'm pleased with it.

(Came up with this earlier today and told my 14 year old daughter. She was not impressed.)
I'm going to write a new movie script. It will be about a locomotive that breaks down and must, by pure manpower alone, be pulled back to the rail yard.
I'll call it "How To Drag Your Train In."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvdcz2/im_pleased_with_it/
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A man walks into a bar with his dog and sees another man sitting with his turtle

The man with the turtle is sitting with piles of cash in front of him.
The man with the dog is curious so he asks, "What's the deal with all the cash?"
The  man with the turtle responds, "Well this here turtle is the fastest pet in the state. Ain't nobody else's pet faster than my turtle."
The man with the dog, in disbelief, questions how that's possible.
The man with the turtle responds, "If you don't believe me, we can have a race. Your dog versus my turtle from here to the wall at the other side of the bar. First one there wins."
The man with the dog is in utter shock, of course his dog is faster than this turtle, so he takes the bet.
The dog and the turtle line up, ready to race, and the bartender counts down from three.
On go, the dog takes off running to the wall. Meanwhile, the man with the turtle picks it up, chucks it at the wall where it hits and falls to the ground, and says "I'll take my money now".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvdb5x/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_dog_and_sees/
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My husband is a dyslexic atheist insomniac.

He lies awake at night wondering if theres a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvdb09/my_husband_is_a_dyslexic_atheist_insomniac/
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If anyone asks you to spell the word 'part' backwards, whatever you do, don't do it.

It's a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvdaqm/if_anyone_asks_you_to_spell_the_word_part/
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How is a girl eating watermelon like a girl giving a blowjob? NSFW

She's going to end up spitting some seeds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvd9t2/how_is_a_girl_eating_watermelon_like_a_girl/
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My parents treat me like God

... They don’t believe in me
(Not mine, but certainly made me blow out some air through my nose)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvd5qb/my_parents_treat_me_like_god/
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My body hurts as if I had been having sex all night long

But that "as if" is what hurts the most

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvd2ze/my_body_hurts_as_if_i_had_been_having_sex_all/
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What’s the difference between Auschwitz and Chick-fil-A

Auschwitz accepted gays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvd1ps/whats_the_difference_between_auschwitz_and/
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”So they made playing video games a disease”

“WHO?”
“Yes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvcz60/so_they_made_playing_video_games_a_disease/
%
What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvcscx/what_do_sea_turtles_and_kim_kardashians_ass_have/
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People say I am indecisive

I can neither approve nor Deny this fact

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvcpgt/people_say_i_am_indecisive/
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I walked in on my parents jerking off today.

That was the worst 30 mins of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvcnbt/i_walked_in_on_my_parents_jerking_off_today/
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A daughter asked...

A daughter asked her mother “Mom, how do you spell scrotum?”
Her mom replied “Honey you should’ve asked me last night, it was on the tip of my tongue.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvcma9/a_daughter_asked/
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Why did the unvaccinated 2 year old cry?

He was having a mid life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvcjgf/why_did_the_unvaccinated_2_year_old_cry/
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This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvcgim/this_whole_time_yoda_has_never_revealed_his_last/
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Jesus's Middle Name is Harold...

I've always wondered why people say Jesus H Christ, but I finally figured it out..
Our father
Who art' in heaven
Harold Be thy name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvcexj/jesuss_middle_name_is_harold/
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Why is Reddit so good for the earth?

Because we recycle everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvcc52/why_is_reddit_so_good_for_the_earth/
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My boss called me into his office very upset this morning.

“It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out sternly, “that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your uncle to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," I said surprisingly, “I didn't realize it. You don't suppose that son of a bitch is faking it, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvcbzm/my_boss_called_me_into_his_office_very_upset_this/
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvcav9/when_is_a_car_not_a_car/
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You know who ate Five Guys before it was cool?

Jeffery Dahmer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvcafj/you_know_who_ate_five_guys_before_it_was_cool/
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I'm nervous about this whole "long distance relationship" thing my girlfriend and I are trying.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times.  Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvc9ml/im_nervous_about_this_whole_long_distance/
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When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils.

They dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvc9gl/when_you_die_the_last_part_of_your_body_to_stop/
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If Tom has 72 grapefruits, Joe takes 2 and Alex takes 3, what does Tom have

A serious grapefruit addiction, and it’s not helping that all his friends are stealing from him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvc8eh/if_tom_has_72_grapefruits_joe_takes_2_and_alex/
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Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no,
and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvc41c/three_women_are_about_to_be_executed_ones_a/
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Want to hear a Cthulhu joke?

Never mind, it's an old one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvbzqv/want_to_hear_a_cthulhu_joke/
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A man walks into a magic shop and sees a small wooden box on the rack.

He reads the label on the package: 'COIN DUPLICATOR'. Excited and ready to impress his friends, the man buys the coin duplicator and rips the package open.
He opens the box, places a quarter inside, and closes it. He presses  a red button on the top of the box, which produces a short buzzing sound. The man opens the box again.
Only one quarter.
'I just don't get it!', he says to himself.
'This just doesn't make any cents'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvbxjo/a_man_walks_into_a_magic_shop_and_sees_a_small/
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You know what I think about autocorrect?

It’s pretty regarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvbx4e/you_know_what_i_think_about_autocorrect/
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The Harry Potter stories are totally unrealistic..

None of the characters were sexually abused despite it being set in a British boarding school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvbsly/the_harry_potter_stories_are_totally_unrealistic/
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I fucking hate improper lubrication.

It really grinds my gears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvbre4/i_fucking_hate_improper_lubrication/
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What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvbnw4/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
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Who’s job is it to announce the end of April?

Billy “May’s here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvbkwj/whos_job_is_it_to_announce_the_end_of_april/
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What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvbhdl/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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A physicist sits down at a bar and orders two drinks.

He places one in front of the empty seat next to him, while he slowly consumes the other.  Upon finishing, he orders another drink.  The bartender notices the untouched beverage and motions to it.  "Something wrong with this one?"  "No," says the physicist, "that one is for my companion."  "Oh," says the bartender.  "You are expecting someone, then?"  "Well, not exactly," says the physicist.  "You see," he continues, "I study quantum mechanics, and the uncertainty principle tells us that there is always a chance, however small, that at any moment, all of the atoms in the vicinity of this stool might spontaneously rearrange themselves into the form of a real, live, beautiful woman who will find me charming, funny, and attractive, and if that does actually happen, I'm going to offer her this drink as a way to break the ice."  "Oh I see," says the bartender.  "Well, it just so happens that there is already a real, live, beautiful woman, sitting right over there, all by herself.  Why don't you offer her the drink, and maybe SHE'LL find you charming, funny, and attractive?"  "Yeah, right," says the physicist, "like THAT would ever work!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvbf4o/a_physicist_sits_down_at_a_bar_and_orders_two/
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Everybody Knows Dave

''Dave was bragging to his boss one day, You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise? "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky."No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, when he returned to his boss. His boss was incredibly impressed he even told Dave "Dave.. you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvbd8z/everybody_knows_dave/
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What does D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvb7lp/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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My family was poor when I was a kid

I was lucky to be a boy -- at least I had something to play with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvb6s2/my_family_was_poor_when_i_was_a_kid/
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Why is beef stew not a good password

Because it's not stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvb59m/why_is_beef_stew_not_a_good_password/
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How does a jazz musician get a million dollars?

By starting with two million dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvb45i/how_does_a_jazz_musician_get_a_million_dollars/
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Damn girl, are you a pickup truck?

Cuz I can't wait to put a load in you then dump you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvb19f/damn_girl_are_you_a_pickup_truck/
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The Compost Heap

I was raised in a fairly hippy-ish town.  The kind of place that was always looking to do something ecologically friendly in the days before the internet made it easy to share tips and tricks on how to cut down your carbon footprint.
One of the things they did was expand the recycling collection area to include a place where people without yards could compost food waste.  Not only did it cut back on the landfills, but it also provided free compost for people who used it in their gardens.  There was a big "FREE COMPOST" sign erected the day it was opened to the public.
The other day, I visited my old hometown with my kids.  The town has seen better days, and it shows in the condition of the buildings and fading road signs and whatnot.  As we were driving through, I spotted the familiar old recycling plant.  My daughter caught site of it as well, and said "daddy, you never told me that Reddit was based here."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
She pointed at the dilapidated recycling plant, and said "that dump has a giant sign that says RE     POST".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvazuh/the_compost_heap/
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Did you hear about the new Japanese rock band?

Of Rice and Yen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvaw7l/did_you_hear_about_the_new_japanese_rock_band/
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A giant snake is attacking the city.

It wraps around buildings, crushing them, and swallows people whole. A pair of office workers get eaten, and one of them starts to panic as they wind up in the snake's stomach. However, he notices that the other worker is still calm.
"How can you be so calm," he asks, "when we're going to die in here?"
"My laptop still works" is the reply.
The first worker is confused. "Are you planning to call for help or something?"
The second worker shakes his head. "Nah. I've just always wanted a chance to learn to code in python."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvan0x/a_giant_snake_is_attacking_the_city/
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[NSFW] First (And probably last) time I ever had sex.

The first time I ever had sex, I slipped it in started humping away. Bout a min goes by I notice she's shaking. Check to see if she's okay.
Shaking from laughter.
"What is it?" I say as my confidence is rapidly dropping.
"Ya-nununa Haha me"
"What!?"
"YOU'RE NOT IN ME!"
"Oh...?"
I look, just been fucking her thighs.
"Goddamit"
Please tell me that story brings somebody joy because it still keeps me awake at night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvamus/nsfw_first_and_probably_last_time_i_ever_had_sex/
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My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!"

The sky went dark and there was a loud crack of thunder that freaked me out. But then nothing happened, so we went home.
My wife was home, and she was very upset. Her personal trainer had been killed by lightning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvamfg/my_son_was_mad_at_me_today_and_said_i_wish_my_dad/
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So it's a chilly morning in Brno, and everybody 's in line to buy meat.

They're waiting and waiting, and the line's not moving at all.
Eventually a Party official comes out and says "Due to the conspiracy of wreckers, there isn't enough meat. All the Jews need to get off the line".
So the Jews all get off the line and go home, but still everyone's waiting and there's no meat. Hours pass, and eventually the Party official comes back: "I'm sorry to report that there's still not enough meat. Everyone who's not a Party member needs to get off the line."
So all the non-party members get off the line and go home. But still all the Party members are waiting and waiting, no meat. After another two hours waiting in the cold the official comes back and says, "We're sorry but there's no meat today. Everybody get off the line."
As they're walking away from the line, one of the people who was waiting turns to the other and says: "You see? The Jews always have it the best!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvalmo/so_its_a_chilly_morning_in_brno_and_everybody_s/
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A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"
The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.
The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvajfh/a_man_is_at_his_wifes_bedside_during_her_first/
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How can you tell if a farmer is successful?

If he is out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvahos/how_can_you_tell_if_a_farmer_is_successful/
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Why was the roof lonely?

It was shingle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvag34/why_was_the_roof_lonely/
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What do we say to the Good of Death?

Noot today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvad5a/what_do_we_say_to_the_good_of_death/
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Three men are stuck on a deserted island,

There was a tribe on the island untouched by modern humans so far. The three men met the tribesmen and the tribesmen told them to go grab some fruit. The first man comes back with a peach, they tell him to shove it up his ass and he can't make a sound or they will kill him. He laughs because of the hairs halfway through the ordeal, they then impale him in the chest and drag him away.
The second man comes through with 10 grapes, they tell him the same thing that they told the other man and he starts to shove them up his ass. He laughs on the ninth and he gets impaled. Up in heaven, the first man asks the second man, "Why did you laugh?" The second man replies:
"I saw the third guy coming with a pineapple."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bvac9z/three_men_are_stuck_on_a_deserted_island/
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My wife and kids want me to get a vasectomy so they took a vote...

...I lost 13 votes to 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bva82e/my_wife_and_kids_want_me_to_get_a_vasectomy_so/
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If you run in front of a car, you’ll get tyred

And if you run behind it, you’ll get exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bva7bi/if_you_run_in_front_of_a_car_youll_get_tyred/
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An elderly woman goes to the doctor...

..."I've got a rather strange and embarrassing ailment, doctor" she says.
"I've got such horrible gas - all day long I'm farting - but *it never makes a sound and is completely odorless!* Have you ever heard of such a thing?"
The doc quietly nods and says "Here, take these pills twice a day for two weeks, then come back and see me".
Two weeks later the woman storms into the docs office visibly distressed.
"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills you gave me, but things are worse than before; I still have awful toots, and they're still silent, but now the smell is unbearable!"
"Good" says the doctor "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses we're going to work on fixing your hearing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bva3vk/an_elderly_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
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If you like water

You already like 70% of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv9y68/if_you_like_water/
%
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,
"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead
body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now, "LEARN TO PAY ATTENTION!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv9y02/firstyear_students_at_med_school_were_receiving/
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What would you call a second holocaust?

“Deja Jew”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv9uzg/what_would_you_call_a_second_holocaust/
%
Bill goes up into the mountains to go bear hunting

The first morning, he comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sights and fires. He then looks all around, but can't find the bear.
All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.
The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimatum. The bear tells him that he can choose to either get fucked or get eaten. Bill doesn't want to die, so he grabs his ankles and the bear does his thing.
The next morning, Bill takes an even bigger gun with him and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. He aims and fires, but once again, the bear has vanished. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says, "You know the routine."
Bill figures he should have brought some lube, but at least he ain't dead. By golly, tomorrow, this bear is gonna fuckin' get it!
On the third day, Bill is righteously sore in his pride (and other places.) He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He aims. BLAM! No bear to be seen. A tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, "You're not in this for the hunting are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv9uik/bill_goes_up_into_the_mountains_to_go_bear_hunting/
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Why couldn't the whistleblower leave Russia?

He was snowed in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv9sap/why_couldnt_the_whistleblower_leave_russia/
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Hey girl are you blocking a water source

Because... Dam.
My original joke on my tinder profile. Idk if this should be on r/dadjokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv9rsx/hey_girl_are_you_blocking_a_water_source/
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What do prostitutes and battleships have in common

They are usually covered in semen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv9o07/what_do_prostitutes_and_battleships_have_in_common/
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My wife asked why I was speaking so softly at home.....

...I said in case Zuckerburg was listening.
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv9nxl/my_wife_asked_why_i_was_speaking_so_softly_at_home/
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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv9n5n/the_word_asparagus_is_funny/
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Ofcourse it's you honey !!

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv9me5/ofcourse_its_you_honey/
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If Austria is so Hungary, why don't they just eat Turkey?

Is there too much Greece?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv9ipx/if_austria_is_so_hungary_why_dont_they_just_eat/
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My wife said we need a new vacuum cleaner because ours really sucks

I replied: Well then why do we need a new one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv9gvi/my_wife_said_we_need_a_new_vacuum_cleaner_because/
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Does my girlfriend have a cock?

Something inside me says yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv99gp/does_my_girlfriend_have_a_cock/
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Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv95h6/me_and_my_cousin_have_sex_quite_often_i_know_that/
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My wife is my oxygen tank...

...always on my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv8ysz/my_wife_is_my_oxygen_tank/
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I hacked everybody and I have collected all PIN codes! Here's the list

0000
0001
0002
0003
0004
0005
...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv8vfa/i_hacked_everybody_and_i_have_collected_all_pin/
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(nsfw) Once upon a time, a man gets married to a beautiful buxom bombshell.

This woman has an incredibly high sex drive, and he can barely satisfy her at the rate she needs.
He gets ready to go on a business trip and wants to get something to keep her occupied in the meantime, so he goes to a local sex shop.
He asks the guy at the counter "what's the most high-tech device you have that will satisfy any woman?"
The employee points to a box on a Shelf and says out loud, "Magic dildo, arise!" Lo and behold, the magic dildo escapes its crate and rises in the air.
The employee then says, "Magic dildo, go to your highest setting!" The device performs without hesitation.
Satisfied with the demonstration, the husband makes his purchase and gifts it to his wife.
After he leaves for the business trip, his wife gets lonely and puts her new toy to work. When she's through, she tries to command the magic toy to stop. But it doesn't listen!
The wife becomes very concerned and starts driving to the hospital to try to get it removed. She gets stopped by a cop because of erratic driving. After explaining her situation to the officer, the policeman exclaims, "Magic dildo, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv8r7m/nsfw_once_upon_a_time_a_man_gets_married_to_a/
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16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar...followed by Batman

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Batman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv8pwv/16_sodium_atoms_walk_into_a_barfollowed_by_batman/
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I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv8p0e/im_really_worried_about_my_parrot_he_keeps_saying/
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Two blondes went hiking in the woods for the first time.

As you would expect,they got lost.One blonde says to the other,"hey,get out that field guide and see what it says about getting rescued in the event you get lost."
She opens up the guide,reads a little, and says,"Fire three shots."so she does.After waiting around for about an hour they decided to try it again.Still nobody came.And again,and again,and again.Finally one says to the other,"Fire three more in the air and if no one comes we'll start walking."
The other one replied,"Well I would but I ran out of arrows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv8i28/two_blondes_went_hiking_in_the_woods_for_the/
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My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv8e0i/my_teacher_told_me_id_never_be_good_at_poetry/
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Told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv8aun/told_my_girlfriend_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows/
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Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the shit out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv84t1/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
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Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, Simon Townshend, Zak Starkey, Loren Gold and Jon Button opened the cages at a dog shelter, faciliating the animals' escape.

The Who let the dogs out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv824i/pete_townshend_roger_daltrey_simon_townshend_zak/
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Storm: 'Are you still dating Jean?' Cyclops: 'No, I guess you could say I'm her...' *Lowers glasses*

*Optic blasts Storm into ash*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv80we/storm_are_you_still_dating_jean_cyclops_no_i/
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A Private, A Sergeant, A middle-aged Lesbian and a pretty young lady were sitting in a train in the 90s

The Private walks out saying he will be back. The train goes through a tunnel and it becomes pitch black. A Sound of a loud kiss is heard which is quickly followed by a loud slap.
The Train comes out of the tunnel and immediately the private comes back in and pays respect to his sergeant and then sits next to him facing the two women. The Sergeant's chick is red. Everyone is quiet and the atmosphere is tense.
The Lesbian thinks to herself: " That douchebag forced himself on the lady next to me! The slap she gave him serves him right."
The young lady thinks to herself: "That disgusting old moron prefers to kiss this crone next to me instead of me? He deserves the slap she gave him!"
The Sergeant thinks to himself: " This is utter BS! That butch kisses the young lady next to her and the lady slaps me instead! This can't get any more embarrassing."
This Private thinks to himself with relief: " Ahhhh Nothing feels better than kissing your own hand then slapping your sergeant with it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv7w8r/a_private_a_sergeant_a_middleaged_lesbian_and_a/
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To whoever invented autocorrect...

...there's a special place in hello for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv7tqa/to_whoever_invented_autocorrect/
%
A Muslim guy dropped his wallet today, so I ran after him and gave it back to him.

He said “Thank you so much”
“Don’t go to the Liverpool game tonight” he added.
“Why?”I asked.
“ Because it’s tomorrow”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv7tmg/a_muslim_guy_dropped_his_wallet_today_so_i_ran/
%
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?

Something inside me says yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv7pax/does_my_thai_girlfriend_have_a_penis/
%
My wife is really mad at the fact I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv7oae/my_wife_is_really_mad_at_the_fact_i_have_no_sense/
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How do you like your steak?

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.                 Waiter: Rare it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv7np7/how_do_you_like_your_steak/
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I don’t eat alphabet soup

Because I won’t risk taking an L

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv7ln6/i_dont_eat_alphabet_soup/
%
Wade walks into a drug store

Once in there, he asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and
her sister owned the  store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help  him.
Wade said  that it was something that he would be much more  comfortable discussing
with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him
with a high level of professionalism.
Wade then  agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every
day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of  problems and severe embarrassment,
and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.." When she returned, she said,
"We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store,
a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 per month in living expenses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv7khm/wade_walks_into_a_drug_store/
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Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?

She gets a frog stuck in her throat at 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv7gep/why_cant_miss_piggy_count_to_70/
%
Why did the blind man fall into a well?

Because he couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv7fus/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_a_well/
%
A little girl asks her mommy

She said: "Mom,  where do we come from?" The mom thought it was a good time to explain the birds and the bees to her daughter, she told her all about sex and her relationship with her father.
In the end the daughter says:  "Wow,  my friend said he came from norway!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv7ehn/a_little_girl_asks_her_mommy/
%
How many psychologist does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one but the light bulb needs to want to change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv77wi/how_many_psychologist_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv73sw/why_was_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
%
I have a fear of long distances

I go to great lengths to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6ukr/i_have_a_fear_of_long_distances/
%
What did one hooker ask the other?

Can you loan me a hundred bucks til I get on my back again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6nv8/what_did_one_hooker_ask_the_other/
%
I don’t know why I got kicked off the plane for bringing a dead animal.

I mean, it did say I could bring a “carrion” bag,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6mky/i_dont_know_why_i_got_kicked_off_the_plane_for/
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Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.
Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"
Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"
He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live.
As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, request that's always granted by the two.
Every time they stop to a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person.
At sunset the devil sees that Jack was very tired and decides to show him the house he'll be spending the rest of eternity into.
As they walk to Jack's new house the two pass close to a huge wall and Jack asks: "What's behind there?"
Satan: "Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind"
Despite his curiosity Jack thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he'd be back the following morning to show him the recreational center before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day.
That night however Jack kept thinking back at the whole situation he's in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day.
After a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn't even tell him he decided he should investigate, as such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was.
Once there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall.
Jack took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be.
On the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help.
Jack rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair.
The following morning Satan showed up once again and told Jack to come with him.
Jack pleaded: "PLEASE! PLEASE! Don't take me to hell, I'll do anything just let me stay here, I don't wanna burn for all eternity!"
Satan: "What are you talking about??? I'm just gonna show you the recreational center like I told you yesterday"
Jack: "Don't lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!"
Satan: "Ooooh you saw that! Don't worry that's not for you, that's the Christian hell"
Jack: "The christian hell? Why would the christian hell be like that?"
Satan: "I don't know either man, they just want it that way"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6l48/jack_a_renown_atheist_dies/
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Did you know that aside from humans, dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure?

I had to fuck a lot of animals to find that out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6khl/did_you_know_that_aside_from_humans_dolphins_are/
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It’s a good idea to give high IQ people handjobs.

Some would say it’s a stroke of genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6k84/its_a_good_idea_to_give_high_iq_people_handjobs/
%
What does a woman and a tornado have in common?

They suck, they blow and they leave you with no house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6jrv/what_does_a_woman_and_a_tornado_have_in_common/
%
What does a church service in Helsinki and Mortal Kombat have in common?

Finnish Hymn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6jmv/what_does_a_church_service_in_helsinki_and_mortal/
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What do you call a dinosaur that likes to work out?

Tricepsaresore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6idx/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_that_likes_to_work_out/
%
A man is stranded on an island

with only a sheep and a dog for company. After a while he begins to feel the need for some physical contact and he starts eyeing up the sheep. However every time he tries to make a move on said sheep, the dog becomes extremely aggressive growling and barking at the man.
One day the man is sat on the beach and sees a boat off in the distance and a gorgeous blonde woman falling into the ocean. The man rushes to her aid and he manages to swim her back to shore.
"Thank you so much for saving me." The beautiful woman says upon waking up.
She's so greatful towards him she offers to do anything he wants.
The man smiles and says. "Yeah, would you hold the dog for five minutes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6fb2/a_man_is_stranded_on_an_island/
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Three men were at the gates of heaven, but there...(Fav)

... was only room for one person. St Peter asked each of them how they died, and the best story got through.
Man 1: I was adamant my wife was cheating. I came up to my apartment on the 24th floor and walked in, only to find my wife by herself. I was pleasantly surprised until I saw a man hanging off the edge of the balcony by just his fingers. I went over to him with a hammer and hit his hands until he let go. He fell in some bushes, and was still alive, so I grabbed my fridge and lifted it over the edge so it would fall on him. And after all that heavy lifting, I died of a heart attack.
“Oh that is terrible”, said St Peter as he turned to the next man, “what about you?”
Man 2: well I was on my 25th floor balcony doing some yoga and I fell over the edge! I was hanging on by just my fingers when I saw a man coming over, I was so relieved! But then he started hammering my fingers and I fell in a bush. I was alive but very sore. He then threw a fridge over the edge on to me, and here I am”
“That is just terrible,” said St Peter. “What about you?” He asked man number 3.
Man 3: “Well I was hiding in a fridge”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6er7/three_men_were_at_the_gates_of_heaven_but_therefav/
%
A 10 year old girl asks her mother... “Mommy, How was I born?”

The mother smiled and replies... “Once upon a time your father and I planted a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the soil and I looked after it. Every day I gave it water and fertilizer. After a while the seed started to grow into a lovely plant with pretty green leaves. After a few months the plant grew big and healthy with lots of buds. When the plant was about 4 feet tall we cut it down and dried it.
Then we smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6ekk/a_10_year_old_girl_asks_her_mother_mommy_how_was/
%
I was feeling a bit down so I went to the doctors.

Thankfully it was just a scare. I still have 46 chromosomes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6ei6/i_was_feeling_a_bit_down_so_i_went_to_the_doctors/
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Why Can't You Tell Kurt Cobain a Secret?

Because he's always shooting his mouth off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6c74/why_cant_you_tell_kurt_cobain_a_secret/
%
A doctor confides to a coworker, “I just had sex with one of my patients. My wife is going to kill me.”

The coworker says “Don’t worry about it. I’ve had sex with my patients too. It’s not that big a deal.”
The doctor replies, “But you’re a pediatrician.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6abp/a_doctor_confides_to_a_coworker_i_just_had_sex/
%
They say don’t put all your eggs in one basket....but who are “they”?

Basket makers looking to sell more units.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv69ea/they_say_dont_put_all_your_eggs_in_one_basketbut/
%
AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM

I went to the Air and Space Museum. it was just a big empty room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv67y6/air_and_space_museum/
%
A man was cleaning his garage one day when he heard a huge commotion outside.....

He opened the door to find a young beautiful woman wearing a torn up dress hysterically screaming, “GRAPE GRAPE GRAPE”. He took hold of the girl by her shoulders and said, “I think you mean RAPE my dear.” She thought about this for a second and then said, “No, there was a bunch of them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6571/a_man_was_cleaning_his_garage_one_day_when_he/
%
Everyone asks "what's up", but do you wanna know what's down?

The bodies of unvaccinated children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv64ag/everyone_asks_whats_up_but_do_you_wanna_know/
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What is the difference between children and lesbians?

Children should never run with scissors but lesbians should not scissor with the runs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv6091/what_is_the_difference_between_children_and/
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What do r/Jokes and Apple have in common?

Both like to churn out the same old shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv5zcg/what_do_rjokes_and_apple_have_in_common/
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Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.
Again, the two workers did not understand him.
He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.
He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.
One guy turned to the other guy and said, "You know, maybe we should learn a second language."
"Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy.
"It would help out in situations like the one we just had."
"What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv5ta5/two_guys_were_working_at_the_airport_when_a/
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Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because b-shells are too small.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv5ln7/why_do_mermaids_wear_seashells/
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3 friends were bragging about who had the most sex...

Friend 1 said ”You all have nothing on me, I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I Corvette to work everyday and I got a 8.5 inch penis. I have slept with over 1000 different women.”
Friend 2 said ”Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $850k a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5000 women.”
Friend 3 said ”I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv5euz/3_friends_were_bragging_about_who_had_the_most_sex/
%
Why aren't there any ducks in Portugal?

They're all Portugeese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv5ccl/why_arent_there_any_ducks_in_portugal/
%
I've was commissioned to write a bunch of anti-vaxxer autobiographys

Turned out to be a bunch of short stories

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv5a3u/ive_was_commissioned_to_write_a_bunch_of/
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If all people were like Redditors, the world would be a better place

Because recycling old shit is what we do best!
*yes this is a repost, I don’t pollute with OC’s*
In all seriousness tho please do recycle ♻️

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv596i/if_all_people_were_like_redditors_the_world_would/
%
Why did the Mexican shoot his wife?

Tequila.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv52lp/why_did_the_mexican_shoot_his_wife/
%
A week at the gym

Dear Diary
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way that I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both breasts. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other sh#t too.
THURSDAY:
Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine.
FRIDAY:
I hate that b#tch Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps - I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my fist. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Shopping Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b#tch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv512g/a_week_at_the_gym/
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Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed some space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv5112/did_you_hear_about_the_claustrophobic_astronaut/
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Doctor: I had sex with one of my patients

Friend: That’s okay, there are many doctors who have sex with their patients anyway
Doctor: But I am a fucking vet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4zqb/doctor_i_had_sex_with_one_of_my_patients/
%
What do you call an Irish lesbian?

Gaelic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4ytk/what_do_you_call_an_irish_lesbian/
%
My Wife's vagina tastes like a tropical fruit.

She'll let any mango in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4ui5/my_wifes_vagina_tastes_like_a_tropical_fruit/
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Have you heard about the three holes in the ground filled with water?

Well,Well,Well............

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4tz1/have_you_heard_about_the_three_holes_in_the/
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How many children does it take to change a light bulb?

Must be more than ten, because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4tgh/how_many_children_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
My dad's a scaffolder

He takes things to another level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4s5y/my_dads_a_scaffolder/
%
Held up at gunpoint, Murderer asks if I have any last words

Murderer: “Well, what are they?”
Me: “Um, it’s a bit embarrassing”
Murderer: “Just spit it out, you’re about to be dead anyway”
Me: “Alright then. I’ve lived my life without a family, without a wife, and without any love. I have a good job, stable income, and even recently bought my own house. This brings me to the conclusion that I am alone because I am ugly. So I ask you this, do you think I’m attractive? If the answer is yes, please shoot me now. I can die happy knowing that someone finds me attractive.”
-
Luckily, our conversation stalled him for a bit and the police came right as he was about to stab me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4r4a/held_up_at_gunpoint_murderer_asks_if_i_have_any/
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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Robberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4qdy/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
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How many Buzzfeed writers would use a taser on you?

We asked 20 of them, and number seven may shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4ot9/how_many_buzzfeed_writers_would_use_a_taser_on_you/
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Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says “geez it’s hot in here”. The other replies:

“AHH! A TALKING MUFFIN”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4nnk/two_muffins_are_sitting_in_an_oven_one_turns_to/
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What do Horses Call People That Live Next Door to Them?

Their NEIGHbors!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4mlj/what_do_horses_call_people_that_live_next_door_to/
%
Wanna know why Alabama is so weird and twisted?

Because it's in their incestors blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4mji/wanna_know_why_alabama_is_so_weird_and_twisted/
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Girl: I am breaking up with u

Me: Wait, why?
Girl: Because all u fucking talk about are video games
Me: Babe Please.
Me: This is such a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
Girl: Bye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4kwf/girl_i_am_breaking_up_with_u/
%
My mums sister gets angry and bakes french pastries...

She’s a cross aunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4kta/my_mums_sister_gets_angry_and_bakes_french/
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What’s the difference between light and hard?

I can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4kox/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
We'll We'll We'll

If it isn't autocorrect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4f6a/well_well_well/
%
Guess where I stole this from.

Two cocks were robbing a bank,
All of a sudden a vibrator walks in,
Then the one cock says to the other cock,
.
.
.
"Oh, fuck, it's Robocop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4cbx/guess_where_i_stole_this_from/
%
What's worse than having ants in your pants?

Having an uncle in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4bah/whats_worse_than_having_ants_in_your_pants/
%
One day, a linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

He explained that in English, a double negative forms a positive, whereas in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative.
"However", he continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice calls out, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4agt/one_day_a_linguistics_professor_was_lecturing_his/
%
The big bad wolf had converted to Buddhism. There was peace in the forest. Suddenly. SCREAMS.

A bystander asked the running animals, "What's happened now?"
"The big bad wolf," a goat said, "is meditating."
"So?" said the bystander, "Isn't that a good thing...?"
"Noooo!" the goat bleated.
"It's become aware wolf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv4a0m/the_big_bad_wolf_had_converted_to_buddhism_there/
%
Joe goes to the doctor because his penis has turned yellow.

Upon hearing Joe's description of the problem, the doctor examines Joe and exclaims "Wow you're right. It's bright yellow! I've never seen such a thing. How long has it been yellow?"
Joe says "I only noticed it about two days but I dont know how it happened doc."
The doc says "Well, have you changed anything about your diet or routine in the last two weeks?"
Joe replies "Nope. I do the same thing all day every day. Just sit on the couch eating cheetos and watching porn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv479d/joe_goes_to_the_doctor_because_his_penis_has/
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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv45kh/why_did_the_monkey_fall_out_of_the_tree/
%
What do Sigmund Freud and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both explored the unconscious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv44ct/what_do_sigmund_freud_and_bill_cosby_have_in/
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How do you keep a bunch of idiots waiting?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv442n/how_do_you_keep_a_bunch_of_idiots_waiting/
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If you put yourself in a locket, you could say you are..

Independant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv43ha/if_you_put_yourself_in_a_locket_you_could_say_you/
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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

FULL!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv412r/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_runny_nose/
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What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3yt7/whats_it_called_when_a_chameleon_cant_change_its/
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A man walks into the doctor's with an awful rash on his penis

The doctor asks if the man had been overseas recently, to which the answer was yes (he had just returned from a holiday in Asia).
The Doctor says "I'm sorry to tell you that you have Hong Kong Dong and your penis needs to be removed."
The man was shocked and extremely upset.
He left immediately to seek a 2nd opinion.
Then a 3rd.
All of the doctors came to the same conclusion- his penis would need to be removed.
In a last ditch effort to save his prized possession, he returned to Asia to visit the best urologist he could find.
He walked into the office, showed the doctor his penis and explained that he had seen several doctors  who all explained he had Hong Kong Dong and his penis needs to be removed.
The Doctor laughed and said "Relaaax! It Hong Kong Dong! You don't need to have your pee pee removed!"
The man was swept with an overwhelming sense of  relief and asked "What do I do next?"
The Doctor replied "just wait about a week. It will have fall off by then!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3yh1/a_man_walks_into_the_doctors_with_an_awful_rash/
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When I was younger I really enjoyed looking at women’s rears

Not much has changed except now I’m a grown ass-man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3yes/when_i_was_younger_i_really_enjoyed_looking_at/
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My friend is in hospital after someone threw a bucket of limp penises at him...

... It was a flaccid attack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3xbx/my_friend_is_in_hospital_after_someone_threw_a/
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How does a Muslim close a door

Islams it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3uvf/how_does_a_muslim_close_a_door/
%
What do you call an English dinosaur?

Tea Rex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3ufh/what_do_you_call_an_english_dinosaur/
%
Apparently, the state of Mississippi and Alabama tried to put on a nativity scene, but they had to call it off.

They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3qxo/apparently_the_state_of_mississippi_and_alabama/
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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3q96/a_woman_noticed_her_husband_standing_on_the/
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3 guys die

They go to heavean and the angle there tells them they will go to heavean depending on the relationship they had with their wife. The first man comes up and says I was horrible I cheated on her 5 times.  The angel says ok here is this old tractor he goes up in the old tractor. The next guy comes up and says, I was ok only cheated on her 1 time. The angel says ok take this old van he goes up in the old van. The next guy comes up and says I was great never cheated on her once. The angel says ok here is this sports car. He goes up in the sports car. Now of course the guy with the sports car it way ahead of all the other guys, but then he pulls over and starts to cry. When the other 2 guys get up to him they ask him what's wrong,  he says "guys I just saw my wife... she was riding a skateboard"
Edit 2: dry for being such an a hole about my spelling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3ov6/3_guys_die/
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Why was 10 traumatized?

It was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3kdj/why_was_10_traumatized/
%
A married couple goes to couples counseling for the first time.

As soon as they sit down, they start to argue.  The therapist immediately stops them.
" There are two ways this can go, A), you work with me and you can spend the rest of your lives together"
The husband interrupts, "B!, B!, I'LL TAKE B."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3k4c/a_married_couple_goes_to_couples_counseling_for/
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They’ll just beat the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3gad/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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How many buzzfeed writers does it take to kill you?

13 but #9 will make you die of laughter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3fhf/how_many_buzzfeed_writers_does_it_take_to_kill_you/
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"Spirit, what is your name!?"

Spirit: WAAAHHHH.
Me: Goddammit, this is a Waluouija board!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3c6i/spirit_what_is_your_name/
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My friend told me he was constipated...

I laughed and said he was full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv39n8/my_friend_told_me_he_was_constipated/
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They call me Oedipus Rex...

Caus I'm a motherfucking dinosaur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv348g/they_call_me_oedipus_rex/
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I killed my girlfriend tonight...

Just kidding!
*On a completely unrelated note, does anyone know how to bury a body?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv33jt/i_killed_my_girlfriend_tonight/
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BAD JOKE !!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.
" The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? " The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG " .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv328q/bad_joke/
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In 1240 CE, the Mongols invaded Tibet

... and the Tibetan leader, Lama Sakya Pandita, marshaled all able-bodied men in Lhasa to repel the invasion.  Commoners, nobility and peasants answered the summons, but Sakya's own monks hesitated.  After all, they had all taken vows of nonviolence, and had not harmed so much as a fly since their initiation.  How could they forsake those vows, even with an enemy at the gates?  Would they not suffer greatly for this in the next life?
They asked the great Sakya for advice.  He counseled them as follows: go into battle with a sword in one hand, and a white Kata scarf, a symbol of hospitality, in the other.  If the Mongols can be persuaded to accept a peaceful resolution, so be it.  But if they come with violence to strike you, defend yourself and strike back, and you will have bettered your situation rather than worsened it.
And that is why it is said among the followers of Sakya: Riposting is the best way to get karma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3192/in_1240_ce_the_mongols_invaded_tibet/
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Husband: "What are you doing?"

Wife: "Nothing."
Husband: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Wife: "I was looking for the expiration date
Husband: it’s not there I checked the day after the wedding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv30xi/husband_what_are_you_doing/
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Did you hear about the home that was built by lesbian contractors?

Not a single stud in the entire structure, it was all done with tounge & groove...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv30s9/did_you_hear_about_the_home_that_was_built_by/
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Two Guys Are Out Walking Their Dogs

They decide they want to get a drink at the bar. They begin to walk there, but realize they can't get in with their dogs. The first guy says "Follow my lead."
SO the first guy goes in with his dog and is stopped by the guard. The guard tells him he can't go in with the dog. "Its a guide dog, I'm blind." the first guy says. The guard nods and lets him in.
The second guy comes in, the guard tells him he can't get in with the dog. The second guy also tells the guard he is blind. The guard looks at him suspiciously and says, "Your seeing eye dog is a Chihuahua?" The second guy responds with, "They gave me a Chihuahua???"
Sorry for the bad telling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv3067/two_guys_are_out_walking_their_dogs/
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Would you rather have a mistress or a wife?

A doctor a lawyer and a scientist were asked if they would rather have a mistress or a wife. The doctor says I would rather have a wife so that I have someone to go home to after a long day at the hospital. The lawyer says I'd rather have a mistress that way I don't have to share any of my money if it doesn't work out. The scientist says I'd rather have both. When asked why the scientist replied, that way the wife thinks I'm with the mistress and the mistress thinks I'm with the wife but really I'm in the lab working! 😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv304q/would_you_rather_have_a_mistress_or_a_wife/
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I decided to eat a clock.

It was time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2yzf/i_decided_to_eat_a_clock/
%
What’s the difference between a bitch and a slut?

A slut will fuck anybody.
A bitch will fuck anybody, but you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2y5x/whats_the_difference_between_a_bitch_and_a_slut/
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What's the difference between period blood and beach sand?

I can't gargle sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2y1q/whats_the_difference_between_period_blood_and/
%
I’ve lost count of the number of times my secretary has been late, so I’m finally doing something about it.

From now on I’m using condoms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2vd7/ive_lost_count_of_the_number_of_times_my/
%
In order to preserve my ammo, I switched to a knife.

The other paintball players looked horrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2v6f/in_order_to_preserve_my_ammo_i_switched_to_a_knife/
%
All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.
Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.
It just so happened that one day when Timmy was driving the train near a very sharp turn that required him to decrease the trains speed, a butterfly flew across the window.
Distracted, Timmy forgot to decrease the trains speed and ended up running it off the tracks, killing everybody inside expect for himself.
In the strange country that Timmy lives in, the punishment for killing a lot of people with a train is death by electric chair.
So the day comes  when the executioner approaches Timmy in jail and asks what he wants for his last meal.
Timmy thinks for a minute, and then responds to the executioner by asking for a single banana.
The executioner thinks this is a stupid request, but grants Timmy’s wish anyways. He gives him a single banana, which Timmy eats in 3 bites.
The executioner straps Timmy into the electric chair and pulls down  the lever to start the flow of electricity.
When the smoke clears, the executioner in shocked to see Timmy still alive, sitting in the electric chair!
Another strange law in the county Timmy lives in is if you survive the execution by electric chair, you get to walk away as a free man.
Timmy was distraught about loosing his job as a train conductor. It just so happened that the same prestigious train company was desperate for a qualified conductor  to operate their new Mega Train.
They hired Timmy back to his old job.
Timmy was driving the train in the exact spot where his previous accident occurred, when another butterfly flew across his window...
So Timmy’s back in the jail cell when the executioner asks for his last meal (again).
Timmy thinks for a minute, and asks for two bananas this time.
A bit suspicious, the executioner brings him his bananas which Timmy eats in 3 bites each.
Timmy was strapped into the chair, and the lever was pulled, but when the smoke settled, he still wasn’t dead!
Again, Timmy walks free.
Again, the train company hires him back to drive their new Ultra Train.
Again, Timmy is conducting  the train in the spot where the previous accidents had occurred.
Again, a butterfly flew across the window...
So Timmy’s about to be executed for the third time when the executioner approaches him. He states that Timmy won’t be given a last meal this time, so there would be no way he could eat his bananas.
Timmy is strapped into the electric chair and the executioner pulls the lever.
The look on the executioners face after he realized Timmy still hadn’t died was priceless.
“How are you still alive?” Demanded the executioner, “I didn’t give you any bananas this time!”
Timmy replies, “It’s not the bananas. I’m just a bad conductor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2un4/all_his_life_timmy_wanted_to_be_a_train_conductor/
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A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog...

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. After standing there for a few seconds, he suddenly starts swinging the dog around in circles at the end of its leash.
The bartender, understandably nonplussed, asks, "Excuse me, sir... Can I help you?"
"Oh, no, thank you," replies the blind man. "I'm just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2qei/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_seeingeye/
%
People laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian

No ones laughing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2p24/people_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_be_a/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer

**I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2oeg/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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Court: Mickey you can't divorce Minnie cause she's crazy.

Mickey: I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking goofy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2n9x/court_mickey_you_cant_divorce_minnie_cause_shes/
%
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne waits until you’re 13 to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2mvh/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_priest/
%
What do you call a communist suicide bomber?

A Commiekaze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2lzx/what_do_you_call_a_communist_suicide_bomber/
%
Whats the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2l8p/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
Hey Ernie, you want some ice cream?

Sure Bert!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2guc/hey_ernie_you_want_some_ice_cream/
%
A blonde is at a magical staircase that’s 100 steps high.

At the top of the stairs are untold riches, but in order to get to the top, you have to hear a joke from each individual stair and not laugh. If you laugh at any joke, you can’t go any higher. The jokes start off lame, but get progressively funnier.
The first joke comes and the blonde is stoic.
Second.
Third.
Not even a smile.
She get’s to the 99th step and before the step even tells the joke she bursts out laughing.
“Why are you laughing, I haven’t even told the joke!”
The blonde wiped away tears of laughter and replied, “I just got the first one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2do7/a_blonde_is_at_a_magical_staircase_thats_100/
%
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead all join a tournament.

They are allowed to bring any weapon they choose, and the only rule is that the first person to draw blood wins.
The brunette walks in with a badass double edged axe,
the redhead walks in with a huge longsword,
and the blonde shows up with a red marker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv2bin/a_brunette_a_blonde_and_a_redhead_all_join_a/
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why was the mexican octopus angry at the shark

because he ate his tentacos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv29by/why_was_the_mexican_octopus_angry_at_the_shark/
%
A guy walks into a bar

and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says “Hey you’re a pretty handsome fella.” The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.
The bowl of pretzels then says “Oooh, a Pilsner, what a great choice. You are a very smart man.”
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender “Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!”
The bartender says “Don’t worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv28xl/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Going into open heart surgery

I asked the doctor how long am I going to be in the hospital??
He said, if all goes well, about a week... if it doesn't, about 30 minutes..
[credit: Rodney Dangerfield]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv25dd/going_into_open_heart_surgery/
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What do you call a homosexual dinosaur

Mega-sore-ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv22ew/what_do_you_call_a_homosexual_dinosaur/
%
An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on...

The punk rocker's mohawk is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.
When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"
The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I screwed a peacock. I thought maybe you were my kid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv1zp4/an_old_guy_is_sitting_on_a_bus_when_a_punk_rocker/
%
When is Michael Jackson's bed time?

When the big hand touches the little hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv1z5z/when_is_michael_jacksons_bed_time/
%
Donald Trump had a close adviser named Hope Hicks. Which makes sense -- her name suggests his campaign strategy:

Say racist things and hope hicks will vote for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv1yvo/donald_trump_had_a_close_adviser_named_hope_hicks/
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Why don’t you pick a fight with a dinosaur?

You’ll get jurasskicked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv1tp2/why_dont_you_pick_a_fight_with_a_dinosaur/
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I was slightly annoyed when my friend became vegan.

But I have no beef with him now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv1nim/i_was_slightly_annoyed_when_my_friend_became_vegan/
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A man's father died but couldn't make to his father's funeral...

But the man wanted to give his father the best funeral possible.
After the funeral he gets the bill about a month later totalling $16,000. He pays the bills immediately and goes on his way.
Untill about a month later he gets another bill for $85. He just shrugs it off and pays it thinking it was something they forgot to charge him for.
Then it happens again the next month and he also pays it. But when a third bill came he starts thinking something is wrong and calls the funeral home.
He asks why he keeps getting a bill for $85 every month and the employee tells says to him.
"Sir you said you wanted the very best for your father so we rented him a tux!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv1l4q/a_mans_father_died_but_couldnt_make_to_his/
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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

"See you next month"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv1gu8/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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What’s the hardest thing about jumping off a building?

The ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv1f94/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_jumping_off_a/
%
Today I learned that "homeopathy", comes from the Greek words:

ὅμοιος hómoios, "doesn't" and πάθος páthos, "do shit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv1etf/today_i_learned_that_homeopathy_comes_from_the/
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What does a kinky vegan say?

Artichoke me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv1d9l/what_does_a_kinky_vegan_say/
%
Things don't always turn out the way you think they will.

I always expected my mum to catch ME masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv1aum/things_dont_always_turn_out_the_way_you_think/
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Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."

Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv1a5k/lady_of_the_house_i_want_you_to_stand_at_the/
%
How many potatoes does it take it kill an Irishman?

Zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv17ol/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_it_kill_an_irishman/
%
what’s another name for road head?

van hoover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv16iw/whats_another_name_for_road_head/
%
How can you tell if you're at a gay picnic?

All the hot dogs taste like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv15ym/how_can_you_tell_if_youre_at_a_gay_picnic/
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What do you call a teacher that doesn't like kids coloring outside of the lines?

Border Patrol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv15kk/what_do_you_call_a_teacher_that_doesnt_like_kids/
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Never say hello to a Brown bear's arse

You'll meet a grizzly end...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv15i1/never_say_hello_to_a_brown_bears_arse/
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Things don't always turn out the way you expect them to.

I always thought it it would be my mum who caught ME masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv152c/things_dont_always_turn_out_the_way_you_expect/
%
19 and 20 are playing a game of Blackjack

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv14xc/19_and_20_are_playing_a_game_of_blackjack/
%
Why did dinosaurs have sex in water?

You try keeping a ten ton pussy wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv14c8/why_did_dinosaurs_have_sex_in_water/
%
What do you call a lesbian w fat fingers?

Well hung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv12xr/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_w_fat_fingers/
%
Little Johnny was in English class

The teacher called on the class asking, “who can give me a sentence using the word ‘definitely’?”
Little Susie raises her hand, “The sky is definitely blue.”
“Very good,” replies the the teacher, “but sometimes the sky turns grey with clouds when it rains. Anyone else?”
Little Emily raises her hand, “Grass is definitely green.”
“Very good,” the teacher says, “but when there’s no rain, the grass dries up and turns brown.” The teacher then calls on Little Johnny who had raised his hand.
Little Johnny was shifting around in his chair when he piped up and asks, “ Do farts have lumps?”
“No, Little Johnny.”
“Well then I definitely just shit my pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv10j3/little_johnny_was_in_english_class/
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What do you call a spooky horse?

A nightmare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv0xwq/what_do_you_call_a_spooky_horse/
%
An American is on a business trip to Mexico and has the first day off.

He decides he wants to ride a donkey, a traditional Mexican thing.
He asks this local man if he can rent a donkey for the day. The man says, "Gringo we call them asses here in Mexico. If you want him to stop though you need to scratch him." The American agrees and pays the Mexican man his money and rides away.
The man then decides that he wants something to eat so he rides to a hot dog stand. He asks the man if he can get a hot dog with mustard and relish. The man then replies "Sir, we call them weeners here." The American agrees and hands the man his money.
He then sees that his donkey is slowly walking away. So he asks another man standing by him who is also American if he would "hold his weener so he can scratch his ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv0wx7/an_american_is_on_a_business_trip_to_mexico_and/
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Me and a friend were in a bar...

As the night progressed, tensions were flared between us and another group of rather large gentlemen.
It got a bit heated and they eventually starting sizing us up and squaring up to us. They became extremely aggressive and wanted to fight.
My friend looked at me and said “pretend we’re the police!”
I got halfway through the first verse of Roxanne before we got our heads kicked in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv0tjy/me_and_a_friend_were_in_a_bar/
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The police found a gun in my car...

I'm really worried. That means 3 others are missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv0knj/the_police_found_a_gun_in_my_car/
%
My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv0j14/my_friends_tell_me_i_need_to_start_using_the/
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Why was the ketchup feeling bad?

Because it had the squirts.
Courtesy of my 8 year old nephew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv0inz/why_was_the_ketchup_feeling_bad/
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A businessman stops at a farm for the night

During a long road trip, a businessman spots a farm with a sign out front advertising rooms to rent for the night. The businessman decides to stop for the night.
The farmer shows the man to his room and says "I hope you don't mind getting up early, as I have three roosters who all crow about the same time."
The business man replies "that's fine" but also inquires "why do you have three roosters?"
The farmer says, "oh, I had these three friends who recently died in a car crash, and each one of them left me a rooster they claimed reminded them of themselves. My one friend John, was just your run of the mill average guy. Then there was Peter who had severe dyslexia. Finally there was Sebastian who was on the trip to get over a recent breakup with his boyfriend"
The man looks perplexed, but thanks the farmer for the hospitality and goes to bed.
The next morning, just as the sun was rising, the businessman heard the roosters beginning to crow.
First, John's rooster crows out "Cock-a-doodle-doo!"
Next, Peter's crowed "Doodle-doodle-Cock!"
Finally, Sebastian's crows "Any-Cock'll-Do!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv0i6b/a_businessman_stops_at_a_farm_for_the_night/
%
Why was 6 upset with 7 after 7 won her a stuffed elephant at the fair?

Because 711432.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv09tp/why_was_6_upset_with_7_after_7_won_her_a_stuffed/
%
Car Battery and a Bra walk into a Bar...

Car Battery and a Bra, walk into a bar.
The Car battery asks the Barman “Two  beers please mate for my partner and I”
The Barman looks at the Car Battery and Bra and refuses to serve them.
The car battery, looking confused asks why?
The Barman replies “ Because your friend is off her tits and you look like you want to start something”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv046e/car_battery_and_a_bra_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv01y9/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
I dropped out of pharmacology School

I kept failing drug tests

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bv0171/i_dropped_out_of_pharmacology_school/
%
What did the cop say when their stomach started growling?

Stop! You're under a vest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buzvsf/what_did_the_cop_say_when_their_stomach_started/
%
Women should not have children after 40.

Seriously, 40 children is a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buzvnn/women_should_not_have_children_after_40/
%
How do you know if it's not your typical prostate exam?

When there's two hands on your back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buzvgl/how_do_you_know_if_its_not_your_typical_prostate/
%
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven. All of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?
“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buzu7w/two_90_year_old_men_mike_and_joe_have_been/
%
I heard Apple are planning on developing a computerized car

Unfortunately, they're having trouble installing windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buzqf1/i_heard_apple_are_planning_on_developing_a/
%
I grilled some steak for my father-in-law, and he said, “I like it well done.”

I said, “Thanks,. That means a lot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buzoxr/i_grilled_some_steak_for_my_fatherinlaw_and_he/
%
A fighter pilot finishes refueling from a refueling plane.

The fighter pilot, feeling superior, gets on the radio and tells the refueling pilot to watch this. The fighter pilot goes through an array of aerial acrobatics. Tight twists, loops, and s-curves. He gets back on the radio and tells the refueling pilot he must be jealous cause his plane cant do that.
The refueling pilot says oh yeah, watch this. For the next 10 minutes the refueling plane flew straight as an arrow. Then the pilot got on the radio and said did you see that? The fighter pilot confused said you just flew straight. That's not fun. The refueling pilot said no, I got up and went to the bathroom and grabbed my steak off the stove and had dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buzmqa/a_fighter_pilot_finishes_refueling_from_a/
%
I think the Dysons in washrooms these days are pretty cool

But I have to say, they're the messiest urinals I've ever used.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buzmfb/i_think_the_dysons_in_washrooms_these_days_are/
%
Your mom looks like a sewer....

Because her needlework is on point  <3<3<3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buzgoy/your_mom_looks_like_a_sewer/
%
Did you hear about the race between the giraffe and the ostrich?

It was neck and neck the whole way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buzg9e/did_you_hear_about_the_race_between_the_giraffe/
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Worldwide survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buzdcy/worldwide_survey/
%
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.

She's a keeper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buzcg9/i_went_to_my_girlfriends_soccer_match_for_the/
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...customer asked for Alabama Style Chicken Sandwich!

**Waitress:** ...in bread?
**Customer:** ... I'm not from around here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buyxkt/customer_asked_for_alabama_style_chicken_sandwich/
%
What would be Einstein's stage name if he were a rapper?

MC Square

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buywo4/what_would_be_einsteins_stage_name_if_he_were_a/
%
St Peter at the Pearly Gates

St Peter was sitting at the Pearly Gates when two blokes wearing hoodies arrived.
St Peter looked out and said: "Wait here. I shall be right back.''
St Peter went over to God's chambers and told him who was waiting to come in.
God said to Peter:" How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be judgmental here. This is Heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in.''
St Peter went back to the gates, looked around, and let out a heavy sigh.
He returned to God's chambers." Well, they're gone.''
" The blokes wearing hoodies?'' asked God.
"No. The Pearly Gates.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buyv6r/st_peter_at_the_pearly_gates/
%
The only person that keeps me from committing suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buyulv/the_only_person_that_keeps_me_from_committing/
%
Why don't they make refrigerators circular?

Because that would make them 360 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buyrbb/why_dont_they_make_refrigerators_circular/
%
What do you call 2 octopuses born at the same time that look the same?

Itentacle twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buynwi/what_do_you_call_2_octopuses_born_at_the_same/
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If you can think of a better fish pun...

... let minnow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buynto/if_you_can_think_of_a_better_fish_pun/
%
What do you call someone who is wearing airpods?

Anything you want, they can't hear you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buylzc/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_wearing_airpods/
%
Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of direction, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buyiop/why_was_star_wars_shot_episodes_4_5_6_then_1_2_3/
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you

You have my Word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buyhv0/whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i_will/
%
Did you hear about the chronic masterbater who was hospitalised?

Reporta say it was beacause of too many strokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buy9pa/did_you_hear_about_the_chronic_masterbater_who/
%
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call her and tell her how much fun your having

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buy7gk/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_during_sex/
%
What's the difference between tuna, piano, and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buy5fi/whats_the_difference_between_tuna_piano_and_glue/
%
I asked a tall dude “how’s the weather up there?”

He spat on me and told me it’s raining

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buy0ce/i_asked_a_tall_dude_hows_the_weather_up_there/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says "Hey"
.
.
The horse replies "sure"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buxpj9/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buxkjm/if_a_robber_robs_a_house_under_renovation_and/
%
My dog wouldn't stop chasing people on bikes.

In the end, I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buxiuf/my_dog_wouldnt_stop_chasing_people_on_bikes/
%
To be frank

I'd have to change my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buxda5/to_be_frank/
%
I hate when people ask how I see myself in a year from now.

I don’t have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buxbim/i_hate_when_people_ask_how_i_see_myself_in_a_year/
%
I honestly understand cannibals...

...they’re just so fed up with people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bux1iv/i_honestly_understand_cannibals/
%
People need to stop making fun of Alabama

They're 50th in education, they cant read that shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bux1ij/people_need_to_stop_making_fun_of_alabama/
%
Donate one lung and you’re a hero

I donate 7 and I get arrested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bux1bj/donate_one_lung_and_youre_a_hero/
%
I knew a girl who used a kazoo instead of a rape whistle...

It was the most annoying sex i’ve ever had

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bux0c1/i_knew_a_girl_who_used_a_kazoo_instead_of_a_rape/
%
For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buwxrx/for_our_recent_field_trip_our_teacher_told_us/
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If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen

The door is always open

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buwwjj/if_anyone_wants_to_come_and_talk_about_why_my/
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A Grandad and his Grandson are having a conversation

Grandad: Your generation relies to much on technology
Grandson: No, YOUR generation relies to much on technology
*Grandson pulls the plug on his Grandad's life support*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buwsmk/a_grandad_and_his_grandson_are_having_a/
%
How do you get a plant drunk?

Give it root beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buwox4/how_do_you_get_a_plant_drunk/
%
My friend was explaining something about electricity...

...and I was like "watt"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buwosk/my_friend_was_explaining_something_about/
%
My uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did a lot of drugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buwn0o/my_uncle_always_said_do_something_you_love_and/
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Did you hear about the chronic masturbater that was hospitalized?

Reports say it was because of too many strokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buwb14/did_you_hear_about_the_chronic_masturbater_that/
%
How many Anti-Vax parents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'll ask when the Funeral is over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buw1m4/how_many_antivax_parents_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
Black people say they own the N-word and white people cant say it, but whites created it

Yet another example of theft committed by blacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buw06k/black_people_say_they_own_the_nword_and_white/
%
A local barber just got arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer for a long time now didn't know he was a barber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buvwxe/a_local_barber_just_got_arrested_for_selling_drugs/
%
What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buvu9b/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
What did the owner of the 7-bit dog say?

"Don't worry, it doesn't byte!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buvp4n/what_did_the_owner_of_the_7bit_dog_say/
%
What do you call a transgender in Japanese?

Hiorshi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buvmmf/what_do_you_call_a_transgender_in_japanese/
%
If you don't believe 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'...

...try throwing it harder next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buvme2/if_you_dont_believe_an_apple_a_day_keeps_the/
%
A criminal finally escaped from jail,

He ran onto the streets and shouted, ‘I’M FREE, I’M FREE!’
A young girl came up to him, poked him on the shoulder and said, ‘So what? I’m four!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buvl6u/a_criminal_finally_escaped_from_jail/
%
A little girl is building a big puzzle..

She has all of the pieces out on the table when her parents walk up to her and ask what she is doing
'I'm building this puzzle! I think its a tiger, but its really hard.' says the little girl.
The parents look at the box, then at each other, then the dad picks up the little girl and takes her to the other room saying 'well lets go find an easier puzzle, and then I will help you.'
As the father and the little girl leave the room, the mom puts the frosted flakes back into the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buvida/a_little_girl_is_building_a_big_puzzle/
%
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

Because it said 'concentrate'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buvh9n/why_did_the_blonde_stare_at_frozen_orange_juice/
%
My uncle died in a flood of kittens last week but I'm not sad.

It's how he said he always wanted to go.  Drowning in pussy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buvdqw/my_uncle_died_in_a_flood_of_kittens_last_week_but/
%
Word has it Matt Damon will reprise his role as a CIA assassin, but this time he'll pretend to be a physicist specializing in scattering theory.

Title: "The Bourne Approximation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buv4l0/word_has_it_matt_damon_will_reprise_his_role_as_a/
%
Why do blind people hate skydiving?

Because their ears pop when they fly up high. Oh yeah and it scares the hell out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buv3xx/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
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In a hotel in jamaica

A man rings the hotel desk and he says, that his room his 828 and he is having an argument with his wife and that his wife is threatening to jump out of the window.
The hotel clerk says, that is a personal matter we cannot help you.
But then the man says, yes it is the window won't open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buv3em/in_a_hotel_in_jamaica/
%
Why are priests always super fit?

They exorcise a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buuz8k/why_are_priests_always_super_fit/
%
Who do Australians hunt with one eye?

Because a bad eye can’t
But a good-eye-might

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buuz3r/who_do_australians_hunt_with_one_eye/
%
A mosquito bit my balls last night

Got my balls sucked,later virgins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buuwug/a_mosquito_bit_my_balls_last_night/
%
A man who wants to sell his car walks into a bar

He meets a shady car salesman and the man asks him for help selling his car. He explained that he wants to sell his car but the mileage is too high.
“How high is the mileage?” The salesman asked, the man replied with “135,000 miles.” The salesman thinks for a minute, then replies with “If you want, I can turn the clock back and make your car read a lower mileage than is currently being shown.” So, without much hesitation, the man hands the keys to the salesman and he drives off.
The next day, the man receives a call from the salesman that explained how the car is finished and that he can have it back. He goes to the salesman’s house and takes the car.
A couple of days later, the men meet each other at the same bar and the salesman asks “Did you have any luck selling the car?”
The man replies with “Why would I sell the car? It’s only done 30,000 miles!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buusq0/a_man_who_wants_to_sell_his_car_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The trailer for Rambo 5 is out..

What's he fighting now?  Arthritis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buunpe/the_trailer_for_rambo_5_is_out/
%
Wendy was dared by her male classmate to climb to the top of the school’s flagpole

She bets him an ice cream that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets ice cream.
Upon reaching home, she bragged to her mom, feeling proud about what she did.
“Oh, Wendy. You do know that he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her head in disapproval.
A little wiser she returns to school the next day. This time the boy offers her two ice creams to climb the pole. She thought that it was an easy win for her so once again, she climbed to the top of the flagpole.
Again, after school ended and she returned home she once again bragged her mom who was a little more disturbed than the day before.
“But, Wendy. Do you remember what I said last time? He’s just trying to see your underwear.”
Wendy grinned slyly and responded “I know that, that’s why I didn’t wear any underwear today.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buulh2/wendy_was_dared_by_her_male_classmate_to_climb_to/
%
What do you call a wolf that nobody can find?

A wherewolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buulcl/what_do_you_call_a_wolf_that_nobody_can_find/
%
I was raised to

treat the janitor with the same respect as the CEO.
So I said, "Fuck Off" to my Boss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buula3/i_was_raised_to/
%
So after what Steve does at the end of Endgame...

Does that officially make Sam "Captain Falcon" now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buukm1/so_after_what_steve_does_at_the_end_of_endgame/
%
My friend was explaining Electricity

All I could say was “watt?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buu5sz/my_friend_was_explaining_electricity/
%
pwn'd

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buu4wz/pwnd/
%
Why were 2, 3 and 7 afraid of 4?

Because he was mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buu33y/why_were_2_3_and_7_afraid_of_4/
%
I gave up drinking for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buu2am/i_gave_up_drinking_for_good/
%
Why can't you breed an eel with an eagle?

Because it's eeleagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buu12v/why_cant_you_breed_an_eel_with_an_eagle/
%
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/butwe8/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
%
A girl asked me why I broke up with m ex

I told her we didn't love the same things I loved hiking and playing guitar she loved another guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/butuo5/a_girl_asked_me_why_i_broke_up_with_m_ex/
%
What is the Darknet?

It's the second page of Google Search results.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buttdb/what_is_the_darknet/
%
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the Month of June.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/butt8d/i_am_giving_up_drinking_alcohol_for_the_month_of/
%
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buts91/sometimes_it_is_very_important_if_a_sentence_was/
%
My dad and I were arguing about my driving. He said I was driving too carefully and to speed up a bit, but I was adamant that I would stay at my usual speed.

In the end, I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/butq4z/my_dad_and_i_were_arguing_about_my_driving_he/
%
Zhokov's Response

-- Zhukov angrily exits Stalin's office. In the corridor, he swears:
Z: What a fucking cunt with a mustache!
-- NKVD's officer guarding the door noticed that and said:
NKVD: What did you say, comrade?
-- Zhukov said he had said nothing.
NKVD: Well, let's go back to comrade Stalin's office to talk about it.
-- So they went to the office and the NKVD officer reports:
NKVD: Comrade Stalin, while being on duty I overheard that Marshal Zhukov said "What a fucking cunt with a mustache!"
-- Stalin looked at Zhukov, and asked
S: Whom did you have in mind, comrade?
-- Zhukov responded immediately:
Z: What do you mean, Hitler, of course!
-- Then Stalin looked at NKVD officer:
S: And you, comrade, whom did you have in mind?
Morale: Don't pick a fight with Zhukov!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/butnu9/zhokovs_response/
%
What is Iron Man Without suit?

Stark Naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/butj9r/what_is_iron_man_without_suit/
%
A fly is hovering above a lake.

Little did the fly know, there was a fish underneath it. The fish thought to itself: "If that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna have myself a nice meal." But, little did the fish know, there was a bear behind it.
The bear thought to himself: "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump up and eat it and I'll jump and I'll have myself a nice meal." Little did the bear know, there was a hunter eating a sandwich behind him.
The hunter thought to himself: "If that fly drops six inches, and the fish jumps and the bear pounces, I'm going to have myself a nice meal." Little did he know, there was a rat underneath him.
The rat thought to himself: "If that fly drops six inches and the hunter shoots, he'll drop the sandwich and I'll have myself a nice meal. But, little did he know there was a cat behind him.
The cat thought to her self: "If that fly drops six inches and the rat sneaks away, I'll have myself a nice meal."
So, the fly dropped six inches, the fish ate it, the bear ate the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse got the sandwich... But the cat missed and jumped in the water.
And the lesson from this story is: If a fly drops six inches, one pussy's gonna get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buth6h/a_fly_is_hovering_above_a_lake/
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A man walked into a zoo.

There was only a dog in the zoo.
It was a Shih Tzu!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/butcn3/a_man_walked_into_a_zoo/
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First post on this sub I hope you all like it

A frog walks into a bank and hops on the desk of the loan officer “Hi” he croaks “what’s your name?” “My name is John Paddywack may I help you?” “Yeah, I’d like to borrow some money.” The loan officer finds this a little odd but gets out a form anyway. “Okay what’s your name?” “Kermit Jagger.” “Really?” Says the loan officer “Any relation to Mike Jagger?” “Yeah, he’s my Dad.” “Hmmm,” says the loan officer “Do you have any collateral?” The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and says “will this do?” The loan officer says “I’m not sure, let me go check.”  The loan officer goes back to the manager and says “Excuse me sir but there is a frog out there who’s name is Kermit Jagger and he wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing and I’m not even sure what it is.” The manager says “It’s a Knick-knack Paddywack give the frog a loan his old man’s a rolling stone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/butbwi/first_post_on_this_sub_i_hope_you_all_like_it/
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Why’d the golfer bring an extra shirt?

Incase he got a hole in one!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/but8vn/whyd_the_golfer_bring_an_extra_shirt/
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A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.

The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/but8d8/a_cynical_man_wishes_to_a_genie_that_he_would_be/
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My friend is obsessed with Navy destroyers

He warships them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/but6gv/my_friend_is_obsessed_with_navy_destroyers/
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3 Flys

So there are 3 flys buzzing around a house, looking for a place to sleep for the night. After hours of searching they come across a women sleeping. They decide that's the best place to sleep. One fly sleeps in her ear, the second fly sleeps in her nose and the third fly sleeps in her vagina.
The next day one of the flys ask how the other two slept saying "I slept pretty good, I slept in the ear so I found some earwax to lay on".
The second fly says "I slept very good, I slept in the nose so I had some nice boogers to sleep on".
The third fly looking extremely tired and angry says "I slept terrible, this bald guy kept coming in and out of the place and when I told him to leave he spit on me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/but5pl/3_flys/
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Police related jokes aren’t funny

So give it arrest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/but1mb/police_related_jokes_arent_funny/
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What is the difference between anti-vaxx jokes and anti-vaxx children?

Anti-vaxx jokes live longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/but186/what_is_the_difference_between_antivaxx_jokes_and/
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When I woke up from my accident, I was devastated when the doctors told me I had broken all my fingers.

It was hard to grasp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/busxb9/when_i_woke_up_from_my_accident_i_was_devastated/
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A man arrives in a gulag and his fellow prisoners ask how long he's in for, and what crime he committed. He says 'I'm in here for 25 years, but I'm completely innocent'.

The prisoners say 'Don't lie to us! Everyone knows the innocent get 5 years!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/busvuk/a_man_arrives_in_a_gulag_and_his_fellow_prisoners/
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Guys I think I have a superpower

I'm invisible to girls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/busrhd/guys_i_think_i_have_a_superpower/
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A piece of string walks into a bar...

And the bartender said “sorry, we don’t serve your kind”.
The piece of string walked outside, twisted himself up, and parted his hair. He went back in and the bartender said “aren’t you the same guy from before?”
“I’m a frayed knot”, said the piece of string.
Then the bartender hung himself lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/busr1n/a_piece_of_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/busq8i/whats_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
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How many times does a priest have sex?

Nun.
( i just thought of this joke, if someone told it first or is a repost im sorry )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/busoej/how_many_times_does_a_priest_have_sex/
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A 10 year old girl asks her mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

The mother smiled and replied,"Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buslhi/a_10_year_old_girl_asks_her_mother_mommy_how_was/
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Guy in street handing out fake moustaches

Me:How many am i allowed?
Guy:Just one.
Me:We'll see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/busjlh/guy_in_street_handing_out_fake_moustaches/
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Mum

My mum hasn’t spoke to me for 10 years ever since she caught me having sex!
She doesn’t speak to my sister aswell 🤨

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/busfcs/mum/
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People always ask me what’s the best pastry

I tell them it’s quiche but with a special ingredient and it’s best at a certain time of the year but they never believe me
No one expects the Spinach in Quiche Season

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/busdn7/people_always_ask_me_whats_the_best_pastry/
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I have a pen that can write underwater...

it can write other words too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buscbn/i_have_a_pen_that_can_write_underwater/
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Me: Babe...I...

GF: shush! there’s no *I*. there’s only *we* in this relationship.
Me: okay fine. *we* are gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/busbhk/me_babei/
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Today at the grocery store the cashier asked if I’d like to donate a dollar to cancer...

I said “No, but I’ll donate a dollar against cancer” All I got in return was a blank stare 😳

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/busb6u/today_at_the_grocery_store_the_cashier_asked_if/
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Why do Romans consider 190 to be the most attractive number?

Because it's CXC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/busb0l/why_do_romans_consider_190_to_be_the_most/
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Every time my wife asks whether the kids want fish fingers

I have to respond by saying "I didn't even know fish had fingers". I try to stop but I just can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bus941/every_time_my_wife_asks_whether_the_kids_want/
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Trump and I take Xanax for different reasons.

I take them for *my* panic attacks; he takes them for hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bus7y8/trump_and_i_take_xanax_for_different_reasons/
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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.
As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more and more and tried his best to suppress it but it kept getting more invasive with its demands of "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."
Finally Fred can take it no longer so he obeys the voice. One morning he quits his job, dumps his fiance, sells his house and gathers up all his money and heads for Las Vegas.
When Fred arrives in Las Vegas the voice in his head says "Go to Caesar's Palace." Which Fred obeys. The voice says "Go to the Roulette tables" and Fred goes there excited with anticipation. Next the voice says "Place all your money on number 27" so with excrement he can barely contain Fred places all his money on number 27.
A moment later the dealer yells "the winner is number 14! And the voice inside Fred's head says "Fuck! I lose every time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bus7qs/one_day_fred_is_sitting_at_his_desk_when_he_hears/
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Why have you never seen a gay guy in a wheelchair?

Because you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bus370/why_have_you_never_seen_a_gay_guy_in_a_wheelchair/
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Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied. “So have Tom and I."

"We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda.
“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”
Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again.
“So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?” Mary asked.
“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam and afterward, the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every a grape went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.
After the physical exams were completed, the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.
“I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you.” he said.
“But doctor!” Mary complained. “You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?”
“Well, OK.” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bus24b/two_women_had_been_having_a_friendly_lunch_when/
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If i have a penny for everytime i dropped a penny..

I would have none!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bus0zn/if_i_have_a_penny_for_everytime_i_dropped_a_penny/
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Late one night a man is speeding down the road

A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/burznv/late_one_night_a_man_is_speeding_down_the_road/
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LET DOWN

Why don't women propose to men?
They don't want to see the look of disappointment when she gets on her knee and pulls out a ring instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/burw3o/let_down/
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After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement in a sword fight, a challenge that would require speed, strength and dexterity and demonstrate that he still had what it took, then he could reprise the role of 007 one last time.
And so the day came when the two met in the arena and gave the producers a show they wouldn't soon forget. The young upstart with the vigour and vitality of youth on his side leapt and lunged, thrusting and swinging his sword with impressive force. But the older Dalton had the wisdom of age on his side. Each time the young actor sent his blade toward him he stepped effortlessly out of the way, lightly parrying and deflecting the blow as he went. Though he didn't have the speed and endurance of his opponent, he could conserve his energy, bide his time, play the long game and hope to tire him out, pick his moment and strike when the youngster was worn out and let his guard down. And so the fight went on, the young pretender attacking ferociously and the elder thespian withstanding the assault.
But although he could dodge the attacks of his opponent, Dalton struggled to break through and land a blow himself. Even worse, the producer's champion didn't tire nearly as quickly as he had hoped. Despite giving it everything he had, utilising every skill and technique he had learned over the course of a long and varied career, try as he might, he couldn't manage to pierce Brosnan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buruoo/after_completing_filming_of_license_to_kill/
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My boss told me to have a good day...

so I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buru9h/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
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[NSFW] I recently participated in a dick measuring contest

There was a lot of stiff competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/burtop/nsfw_i_recently_participated_in_a_dick_measuring/
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I was going to post a witty, hilarious and intelligent joke about time traveling

But you guys didn’t like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/burptj/i_was_going_to_post_a_witty_hilarious_and/
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I wonder whether transparent coffins will ever catch on

Remains to be seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/burngv/i_wonder_whether_transparent_coffins_will_ever/
%
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit.

A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/burm76/late_one_night_a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
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Scientists discovered getting diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in your genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/burl37/scientists_discovered_getting_diarrhea_is/
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Botox used to be a taboo subject but...

talk about it now and nobody raises an eyebrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/burkrw/botox_used_to_be_a_taboo_subject_but/
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You hear about the Chinese Godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn’t understand.
(Sopranos Reference)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buriiz/you_hear_about_the_chinese_godfather/
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I was about to say a joke about sodium

But decided Na, maybe later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/burf77/i_was_about_to_say_a_joke_about_sodium/
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Why brexit happened

\*Knock Knock\*
Whos there?
Europe
Europe who?
No You're A Poo!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buremt/why_brexit_happened/
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I was about to say a joke about sodium

But it was so salty really salty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bureg3/i_was_about_to_say_a_joke_about_sodium/
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Cats are just like strippers.

They both sit on your lap, but you can’t touch them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bure65/cats_are_just_like_strippers/
%
My dad once said "do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way"

3 months later he called me at 6am to wish me a happy birthday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/burdui/my_dad_once_said_do_what_you_hate_first_thing_in/
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You put the punchline first.

How do you make a time travel joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/burbhx/you_put_the_punchline_first/
%
6:30 is the best time of the day

Hands down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buraso/630_is_the_best_time_of_the_day/
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What's the biggest difference between men and investment bonds?

Bonds mature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bur91z/whats_the_biggest_difference_between_men_and/
%
A Proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar...

A proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar and order three beers.
The bartender appears with three beers in hand and asks the proton, “Are you sure you are above 21?”
The proton replies, “I’m positive.” The bartender then gives the proton his beer.
He then says to neutron while giving him the second beer, “For you, no charge.”
He then proceeded to throw the last beer into Helium’s face.
Helium didn’t react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bur7rd/a_proton_a_neutron_and_helium_walk_into_a_bar/
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I don’t know why people get so shocked

when they find out i’m a bad electrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bur72x/i_dont_know_why_people_get_so_shocked/
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Why did Adolf Hitler fail Art School?

He hated mixing colour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bur6pb/why_did_adolf_hitler_fail_art_school/
%
A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:
"I can't be with you because I M24 and you AR15"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bur6b1/a_sniper_rifle_and_an_assault_rifle_meet/
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A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar

Holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buqzws/a_roman_legionnaire_walks_into_a_bar/
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I was gonna tell my wife a joke about violence

But she beat me to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buqwwx/i_was_gonna_tell_my_wife_a_joke_about_violence/
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I was going to make a joke about trees

But I’m stumped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buqv92/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_trees/
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Winning lotto

A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!”
-
She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?”
-
Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buquej/winning_lotto/
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Two blondes were standing on the rooftop of the highest building

First one looked down and asked:
"Hey, if I jump down from here, how long do you think it would take me to reach the ground?"
Second one then also looked down and said:
"Well, it's pretty high up here. I think it would take at least 5 days!"
"Really? Ok here's another one" she continued: "Do you think if I would die after I jump?"
"Of course you would!" she answered. "5 days! How could you survive that long without water?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buqtp4/two_blondes_were_standing_on_the_rooftop_of_the/
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A book just fell on my head

I only have my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buqtob/a_book_just_fell_on_my_head/
%
Adolf Hitler was right

Like, reeeeally far-right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buqpdd/adolf_hitler_was_right/
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"My dog ate my homework"

Prof - "Your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me - It took him a couple of bytes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buqlql/my_dog_ate_my_homework/
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So the Mrs said she wanted me to be as spectacular as Liverpool in bed

....so I stayed on top for most of it and came second!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buqkll/so_the_mrs_said_she_wanted_me_to_be_as/
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How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buqk7j/how_was_rome_split_in_two/
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When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

*These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow!!!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buqk1m/when_i_was_growing_up_plastic_surgery_was_a_bit/
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Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”

Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buqhub/guest_to_the_waiter_can_you_bring_me_what_the/
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on crooked.

She looked confused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buqhn8/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_on/
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An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old  golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive  female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled  golfers.  She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.  “Yes?” she  inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"
The old golfer  leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you  the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”  She looks into his  wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs,  “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly:  “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buqhkb/an_elderly_golfer_comes_in_after_a_good_round_of/
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My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Alex? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buqc00/my_old_aunts_would_come_and_tease_me_at_weddings/
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Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buq8d0/where_do_you_find_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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They say there’s safety in numbers.

Tell that to 6 million jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buq7zr/they_say_theres_safety_in_numbers/
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Let's play a game people of Reddit: Worlds worst opening lines

Are you always having trouble to find true love?
Then try one of these opening lines!
**Game rules:**
**1) no posting of racists or insulting comments**
2) the funnier the better!
3...2...1... GO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buq7tn/lets_play_a_game_people_of_reddit_worlds_worst/
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In an operation theatre at a hospital,

Surgeon: David, don’t be afraid. I know it’s your first time. You are freaking out. But it’s gonna be fine.
Patient: Doctor, I’m not David.
Surgeon: I know. David is me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buq660/in_an_operation_theatre_at_a_hospital/
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Why did the chicken cross the monkey bars?

To get to the other slide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bupsvv/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_monkey_bars/
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A blowjob will make your day...

...whereas anal sex will make your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buprg0/a_blowjob_will_make_your_day/
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Why do black people eat chicken?

Because it tastes good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buppm0/why_do_black_people_eat_chicken/
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A man wishes to be a monk at a temple...

He visited the temple and the head monk told him: "To become a monk, you will have to resist your lust towards women."
"I will give you a test," The head monk said. "I will tie a pair of bells on your penis, if you can look at a woman for 10 seconds without the bell ringing, you can be accepted here."
The man accepted the test, and thus the head monk tied a pair of bells to the man's penis.
After the job is done, the head monk called a name. From a shack walked out a woman with big breasts.
The man tried very hard to not get a boner, unfortunately, he failed. The bells rang.
The man thought that the test was impossible. He told the head monk that is he can see the monks complete the test, he will leave without complaint.
The head monk called for 10 of his disciples. After setting up, he called for the woman's name again.
The woman walked out again from her shack, amazingly, even after half a minute, none of the bells on the monks rang.
The man is defeated. He tried to return the bell to the head monk before leaving the temple. With a slip, the bell fell from his hands, the man bent down to pick the bell up.
He heard the bells around him ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buppfo/a_man_wishes_to_be_a_monk_at_a_temple/
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What is the speed limit for sex?

68. Once you hit 69, you flip over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buplmp/what_is_the_speed_limit_for_sex/
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How to create your very own Bermuda triangle?

1. Surround yourself with relatives.
2. Submerge in their expectations. Watch all your hopes and dreams disappear!
PS:- Extra effective if you are Asian, especially Indian!
Edit : True Story.. I am an Indian and I approve this >\_<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bupixm/how_to_create_your_very_own_bermuda_triangle/
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What do Kermit the Frog and Atilla the Hun have in common?

They both have the same middle name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buphm9/what_do_kermit_the_frog_and_atilla_the_hun_have/
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There are 10 types of people out there

Those who understand binary, and those who don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bupgw0/there_are_10_types_of_people_out_there/
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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The tailor eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the tailor asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The tailor said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The tailor shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bupdk5/joe_had_suffered_from_really_bad_headaches_for/
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5 out of 6 scientists agree

Russian roulette is completely safe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bupb2e/5_out_of_6_scientists_agree/
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Women improve with age. Like a fine wine they should be kept horizontal and in the dark.

This is an old joke, but I just heard it on a Dick Cavett monologue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bupano/women_improve_with_age_like_a_fine_wine_they/
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One day TV is broadcasting about a gun shot in campus and the experts analyze that it is linked to the murder's massive time in playing violence video game.

Mum: No sense, my son is always playing dating sims and he still unable to find a girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bup8bl/one_day_tv_is_broadcasting_about_a_gun_shot_in/
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I'm like a window

Because I'm in constant pane :')

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bup46d/im_like_a_window/
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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend ?

He wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bup30v/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
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William Shatner has discontinued his line of women's clothing.

Apparently, Shatner panties just didn't sell that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bup1xc/william_shatner_has_discontinued_his_line_of/
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I don’t understand why all the cashiers at my Costco are so violent

Whenever I’m checking out they always ask “Do you wanna box for that sir”
No. I don’t want to fight you for my groceries, thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bup0w7/i_dont_understand_why_all_the_cashiers_at_my/
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My Grandfather has a heart of a lion

and a life time ban at the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buox9h/my_grandfather_has_a_heart_of_a_lion/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buow93/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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I couldnt stay with my girlfriend after I found out she had 144 sexual partner in her lifetime.

It was a gross amount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buovt3/i_couldnt_stay_with_my_girlfriend_after_i_found/
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Not a joke so much as I need help finding a joke

Ok so there is this person, so devoid of humor I can hardly say they are a person. They love that whole "dust my wets" meme and dumb thing about being high. But things with an actual punchline goes over her head, even dad jokes are useless. How do I make this abomination I live with laugh? Roommate btw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buosq2/not_a_joke_so_much_as_i_need_help_finding_a_joke/
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Mom - Happy Birthday Sweetheart...

Daughter - Thanks Mom, And I need to tell you something..
Mom - What is it darling. You can tell me anything...
Daughter - Since It’s my 17th Birthday, Tonight I’m going to sleep with my boyfriend Jacob.
Mom -  Ohh darling. If that’s makes you happy then I don’t mind at all.  Do you want some pills ?
Daughter- Thanks mom, That will be great...
Mom - here is few.  Have some fun darling....
Next day daughter comes to mom and...
Daughter (Angrily ) - What are those pills, mom?
Mom (Calmly) - Those are sleeping tablets. Didn’t it works ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buor0r/mom_happy_birthday_sweetheart/
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The mad old King

Once upon a time there was a King who was quite mad, through and through.
So mad in fact, that he would kill every daughter his wife bore as he only wanted sons.
He lived in a huge castle right next to the sea.
The kingdom that this King ruled over stretched far and wide. All the good people knew fine and well that the king was as mad as a hatter. This meant most of the villages just kept to themselves.
Every night the King would make his way down to the beach. He would sit and stare at the ocean, taking in its beauty. Every time he came back from the beach he would tell his wife that the ocean was speaking to him but she would shrug it off as his madness.
This continued for many years, every night the same, the King would come back and repeat over and over again that the ocean was speaking to him.
This got too much for the Queen to handle and she confronted him. She made it clear he was to either prove it to her or they would be divorced.
So the King scoured the land for all the famous linguists, oceanographers and anyone who could help. They all gathered at the beach and waited day and night for the ocean to say something to them. To prove the mad King was truly right about this.
After 3 weeks, the King got so fed up, he stood up and took a deep breathe and screamed at the ocean:
“If you’re going to say something to me, do it now! Or I shall never come back here!”
But the ocean still said nothing. It just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buoplq/the_mad_old_king/
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Today I went to the bathroom without my phone.

There are 124 tiles in my bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buolqd/today_i_went_to_the_bathroom_without_my_phone/
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I started dating this blonde chick last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I have one child that's just under two."
She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buobjc/i_started_dating_this_blonde_chick_last_night/
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Six Letters of the Alphabet

Billy was a boy in kindergarten. At the end of the school day, the teacher gave the class a simple task.
“Ok class, I want you to go home tonight and learn the first six letters of the alphabet.”
So Billy left school determined to learn what the teacher had asked. When he got home, he found his mother in the hallway. She was busy talking on the phone.
He asked her, “ Mom, what’s the first letter of the alphabet?”
She replied“Shut up! Can’t you see I’m on the phone!?”
Billy was a little confused, but he thanked her and continued his mission. He walked by the bathroom and found his dad trying to fix the toilet.
He asked, “Dad, what’s the second letter of the alphabet?”
Billy’s father didn’t hear him, and said to himself, “Oh man, do I just looove fixing this goddamn crapper.”
Again, Billy was confused, but he continued his journey. He walked into the living room and saw his brother (who was only a year older) watching cartoons.
He asked him, “Hey brother, what’s the third letter of the alphabet?”
His brother turned to him and said, “Na na na na na na na na na, Batman!”
Billy accepted that his brother knew more than him, and continued on his way. He stopped in the kitchen, and found his grandfather assembling hamburgers.
He asked him, “Hey grandpa, what’s the fourth letter of the alphabet?”
Grandpa’s hearing wasn’t that good in his old age, so he said to himself, “My buns are ready!”
Again, Billy thanked his family member and strolled into the family room, where his grandmother was watching TV.
He asked her, “Gradma, what’s the fifth letter of the alphabet?”
She was too focused on the sports game, and said, “99! Hit em hard!”
Billy thanked her too and left to go to his room. Upon arriving, he saw his twin sister playing with her My Little Pony figures.
He asked her, “Sister, what’s the sixth letter of the alphabet?”
She ignored him and said, “Over the rainbow!”
Billy felt like he had learned enough for today, so he rested. The next day at school, the teacher addressed the class.
“Ok everyone, who can tell me the first six letters of the alphabet?”
Billy couldn’t contain his excitement. He jumped up and yelled,
“Shut up! Can’t you see I’m on the phone!?”
He whole class erupted in laughter, and the teacher sent Billy down to the principal’s office.
The principal saw Billy walk in and asked him,
“What were you sent down here for?”
Billy replied, “Oh man, do I just looove fixing this goddamn crapper!”
The principal was shocked.
“Who do you think you are?” He asked.
Billy replied, “Na na na na na na na na na, Batman!”
The principal stood up and said, “Are you looking to get a spanking?”
“My buns are ready!” He replied.
“Alright,” said the principal, “how many do you want?”
“99! Hit em hard!” Replied Billy.
The principal had enough of Billy’s attitude.
He yelled, “We do not tolerate this behaviour at school! I am going to march you down to your front door and make you repeat these things to your parents! Where do you live!?”
To which Billy replied, “Over the rainbow!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buo3ra/six_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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A man walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. He says to the priest,

"forgive me father, for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed"
The priest asks, "Would you like to tell me about it?"
"Well," the guy says. "I was on the seventeenth hole, and I had just hit my best drive of the day. It was straight ahead, middle of the fairway, perfect vision of the flag. Must've been at least 250 yards, which was an incredible drive for me. Feeling pretty good about that hit, I walked toward my ball but as I got within 15 yards of it, a squirrel ran out of the forest and grabbed my ball."
And the priest interrupts "So is that when you cursed?"
The man replies, "No father, not yet. You see, as the squirrel was running away, it was actually moving me closer to the green and giving me a better shot. But then, out of nowhere, a hawk swooped down and picked up the squirrel, ball and all."
"Ah, now I see," the priest says. "You cursed then."
"No father, this was not when I cursed. The hawk started flying over the green, and by some miracle, maybe an act of God, the squirrel let my ball drop right over the green. It landed and rolled within 5 feet of the hole."
And the priest says, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bunut6/a_man_walks_into_a_church_and_sits_in_the/
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What do you call a sandstorm that calls you names?

Da Rude Sand Storm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bunukq/what_do_you_call_a_sandstorm_that_calls_you_names/
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My chemistry set blew up...

I guess oxidants do happen!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bunlzy/my_chemistry_set_blew_up/
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There was a band conductor who also right songs in North Korea

His name was Pok. He was quite famous in the industry so one day, Kim Jong Un approached him.
“Pok, write me an orchestra piece and play it for me with your group”, said Kim. Pok did, after a month, the private show was held.
Sadly, it was sh!t. Kim sentenced him death by electric chair for wasting his time.
In the execution room, Pok was seated and made his final sentence with his family and Kim himself watching. The guard flipped the switch, sparks came. Nothing happened.
“I’ll give you another chance, now go write me a piece, you have 2 weeks time”, said Kim
Home, he went, and wrote another one, he performed it to his friend to make sure it was good.
The day came, and again, Kim deemed it sh!t. This time, he was proper pissed. “Electric chair! Immediately!”
Again, he said his last words and with his family and Kim watching, the guard pulled the lever.. same thing, sparks came but he wasn’t electrocuted.
“ONE LAST TIME, I WILL EXECUTE YOU MYSELF  IF IT’S STILL SH!T”, shouted Kim.
That day came by fast and it was still sh!t, **Kim was furious** .
On the electric chair, Pok wasn’t allowed to make his final statement. Kim flipped the switch.
Sparks came, nothing happened.
Pok said, “I guess I’m just a really bad conductor”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bunkhd/there_was_a_band_conductor_who_also_right_songs/
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God? What's a billion years like to you? Nothing but a mere sec. Really!? Well then what's a billion dollars to you? Nothing but a penny. Well... Can I have a billion dollars then?

Sure... Hang on a sec.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bunjoh/god_whats_a_billion_years_like_to_you_nothing_but/
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I couldn't find a seat for the new Elton John film

I'm still standing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buni3a/i_couldnt_find_a_seat_for_the_new_elton_john_film/
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A kid had a problem with excessive cursing...

A kid was constantly getting punished for excessive cursing.
The parents were trying everything to get him to stop.  One punishment was that if he was at a friend's and he cursed,  the friend's parents were told to send him home no questions asked.
He had been good for a bit so one day his parents allowed him to go to a friend's birthday party.  They reminded him of the rule.
Well,  the kid was gone just long enough to basically walk to the friend's house and walk back home.
The mom saw him come in and immediately spanked him with no hesitation and sent him to his room saying, "You'll have to explain to your father what happened when he comes home."
Later that night,  Dad comes home and asks the son, "What happened today? Why did you get sent home?  Be completely honest."
The kid said, "The fucking party is tomorrow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bunbwr/a_kid_had_a_problem_with_excessive_cursing/
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Three blondes are walking around. They suddenly stumble apron some tracks. The first blonde says "those are deer tracks" the send blonde says "those are wolf tracks!" The third blonde says" no, those are bear tracks!"

And then the train hit them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bun80b/three_blondes_are_walking_around_they_suddenly/
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A man is at confessions and says “forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

“I gave my child genital herpes.”
The priest makes a horrified sound, then says “that was your kid?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bun4mz/a_man_is_at_confessions_and_says_forgive_me/
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Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S.  thanks for the 4 people who sort by new.  appreciate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bun0tc/whenever_the_cashier_at_the_grocery_store_asks_my/
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Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bumnte/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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Abraham Lincoln was so nice

Even his war was civil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bumdop/abraham_lincoln_was_so_nice/
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What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bumbgh/what_has_9_arms_and_sucks/
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Names are interesting. You can get Bob from Rob, Bill from Will, but how do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bum9ho/names_are_interesting_you_can_get_bob_from_rob/
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What’s the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang up the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bum71d/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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We asked 100 women what body wash they preferred:

99% replied with “GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM YOU PERVERT!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bum3qy/we_asked_100_women_what_body_wash_they_preferred/
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While stitching the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the conversation got around to politicians and their roll as our leaders.
The old farmer said, “Well, as I see it, most politicians are ‘Post Turtles’.”
Not being familiar with the term the doctor ask him what a ’post turtle’ was.
The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”
The old farmer saw the puzzled on the doctor’s face so he continue to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumbass put him up there to begin with.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bulyvs/while_stitching_the_hand_of_a_75_year_old_farmer/
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An old man driving along sees a police vehicle behind him.

He puts the foot down and takes off! Sure enough, the police vehicle lights are activated and the police give chase.
After a while the man thinks “I’m too old for this, what am I doing?” And sensibly pulls over to the side of the road. The police pull in behind him.
A policeman approaches the man and says “Look, it’s Friday afternoon and I’m about to finish work. If you can give me one good reason as to why you drove like that, I’ll let you go. Otherwise, I’m taking you in.”
The man looks at him and says “Well, my ex wife left me for a policeman 20 years ago, I saw you coming up behind me and I thought you were bringing her back!”
“Have a good day sir”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bulto2/an_old_man_driving_along_sees_a_police_vehicle/
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I used to be addicted to soap

But I am clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bultnw/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
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A guy walks in to a bar with a cat and an ostrich.

He orders a pint for himself a whiskey for the ostrich and a vodka for the cat.
Half an hour later the ostrich comes up to the bar and orders a whiskey for himself, a pint for the guy and a vodka for the cat.
Half an hour later the man comes to the bar and orders again... this goes on all night first the man, then the ostrich...
At the end of the night the barman says to him "I couldn't help noticing, you and the ostrich bought all the drinks".
The man replied "Well its a long story. I was walking down a beach and saw a lamp, I gave it a rub and a genie appeared and gave me a wish, so I wished for a Bird with long legs and a tight pussy!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buli5t/a_guy_walks_in_to_a_bar_with_a_cat_and_an_ostrich/
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I had a plan to wrap up my leftovers from the restaurant in a sturdy to-go box...

...then the waitress came by and foiled the whole thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buldbq/i_had_a_plan_to_wrap_up_my_leftovers_from_the/
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Why cant a bicycle stand on his own?

Bc he’s two tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bula2l/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_his_own/
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What do you call a color that's all in your head?

A pigment of your imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bul9ob/what_do_you_call_a_color_thats_all_in_your_head/
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What did one froot loop say to the other?

Im not fat, I'm enlarged to show texture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bul56q/what_did_one_froot_loop_say_to_the_other/
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David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube and Netflix for video watching. There was also a Bluetooth speaker feature, and it even had built in digital file space for music! Keeping it all with a sleek clean design, David and Shane made sure they left nothing out, and they knew it would make them millions.
However, there was a problem. They needed investment money to be able to mass produce the shelf for a reasonable cost. So they began spending their time looking for investors. One day David called up Shane, and told him he landed them a spot on the show Shark Tank! Not only would they have a chance at an investment, but they would get valuable publicity if aired. Shane was thrilled, and a date for the pitch was set.
Finally the big day came! David pulled up to the address of the show, but Shane was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, he got a call from a Mary, a co-worker at his furniture company.
"Hey David, I've got some bad news. Shane just got in a carwreck and got badly injured. He will be ok, but there is no way for him to make it to the show to pitch the product."
"Oh no," David replied, "I prepared the whole presentation with Shane! What will we do? We need this."
Mary replied, "I guess you will have to give a shane-less shelf-promotion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bul4lw/david_and_shane_worked_for_a_small_furniture/
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Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bul0d7/somebody_keeps_sending_me_flowers_with_the_heads/
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When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop...

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bukzhg/when_you_say_poop_your_mouth_moves_the_same_way/
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It could’ve been worse

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
"Not so good," says Harry.
"Why, what happened?" James queries.
"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Could have been worse," James replies calmly. "Could have been worse."
A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. "And how are things now?" he asks.
"Terrible!" says Harry. "Our house burned down last night."
"Could have been worse," says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. "Well, how goes it?" he inquires.
"Oh!" says Harry. "Things just get worse and worse. It's one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!"
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: "Could've been worse."
This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. "Wait a minute!" he says. "I'm not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we've run into one another, and every time I've told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: 'Could have been worse.' This time, for God's sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven's name could it have been any worse?"
James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile. "Could have been worse," he says. "Could have happened to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bukynu/it_couldve_been_worse/
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Three couples are trying to get married

at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bukxi9/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married/
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The Pope is early for his flight

The pope is early for his flight and asks his driver if, on the way to the airport, he can drive around for a while because they have some time to kill and he hasn’t driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well...I’m not actually sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bukfa6/the_pope_is_early_for_his_flight/
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What do you call it when a group of crows make plans to get together?

Premeditated murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bukc4u/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_group_of_crows_make/
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My sister asked for something hard to write on...

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bukajw/my_sister_asked_for_something_hard_to_write_on/
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A mortician and a plumber

A mortician goes to work and his assistant lets him know that a body came in during the night. He and the assistant walk into the back and the assistant pulls back the sheet.
To his shock, the deceased is Steve the plumber - a popular, well-liked guy who couldn't have been older than 35.
"Heart attack" his assistant tells him, and leaves him to his work.
When he uncovers the body, the mortician is amazed to discover the plumber's massive, horse-shamingly enormous penis. It's unlike anything he's seen and he stares for a few minutes in awe.
While preparing the body he decides that he has to show his wife this wonder of nature and, this being the age before cell phones, he removes the penis, wraps it in a newspaper, and sneaks it out.
When he returns home he calls his wife to the kitchen and says "you aren't going to believe this" before dropping the package on the counter and unrolling the paper.
His wife's eyes get huge as she exclaims, "oh my god! Steve the plumber's dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bujzvh/a_mortician_and_a_plumber/
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What key does R Kelly like to write his music in?

A Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bujvjx/what_key_does_r_kelly_like_to_write_his_music_in/
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Someone threw a beer at Trump during the Indianapolis NRA convention

Hes fine. It was a draft so he easily dodged it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bujvit/someone_threw_a_beer_at_trump_during_the/
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Two coworkers in the office:

"How did it end? the fight with your wife"
"She came crawling to me."
"And what did she say?"
"You're gonna have to hit me with the shovel harder than that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bujub6/two_coworkers_in_the_office/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves...

FREE!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bujtss/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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Chamomile? Here in England it's called chamo-onepointsixkilometres.

Delicious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bujssz/chamomile_here_in_england_its_called/
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How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bujpr8/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
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At my exam on religion I was given a multiple choice question to define atheism

Eventually I checked "none of the above."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bujjts/at_my_exam_on_religion_i_was_given_a_multiple/
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Two satellite dishes had a wedding,

The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was INCREDIBLE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bujjde/two_satellite_dishes_had_a_wedding/
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What do you call a redneck virgin.

A seven year-old that can run faster than her brothers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bujivk/what_do_you_call_a_redneck_virgin/
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Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't wanna admit a piece of meat makes them happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bujh08/why_dont_vegetarians_moan_during_sex/
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Two blondes fall into a well

The first one says “wow it’s really dark in here” the other says “really? I can’t see anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bujgxe/two_blondes_fall_into_a_well/
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What do Disney Land and Viagra have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bujeu1/what_do_disney_land_and_viagra_have_in_common/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bujb9v/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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In the beginning, there was nothing.

Then God created the Garden of Eden, and animals to populate it.
Even so, it still felt empty. He decided to add a human.
God stayed up all night- molding out of magical clay a human woman's body. Two arms, two legs, two eyes, two ears and three boobs.
So God created woman. Even so, the first woman complained.
"God, why did you give me three boobs? I have two arms, two legs, two eyes, two ears, but three boobs. It's so unbalanced. Please, take away one of my boobs."
So God removed her third boob, and it fell on the floor, and she finally had two of everything.
"Thank you, God," she said, "but what will you do with this useless boob?"
And God created man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buj9nj/in_the_beginning_there_was_nothing/
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My ex girlfriend had a tattoo of a shellfish on her inner thigh

If you would put your ear on it, you could smell the sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buj8fb/my_ex_girlfriend_had_a_tattoo_of_a_shellfish_on/
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If surnames like Baker or Potter originate from ancestral occupation...

**then what the hell were the Dickinson's up to?**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buj7hk/if_surnames_like_baker_or_potter_originate_from/
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My SO is a kinky Star Wars fan so we decided to role play

He said, "I am your father." I hate it when he breaks character.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buj75c/my_so_is_a_kinky_star_wars_fan_so_we_decided_to/
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This sub is the most representative sub on this platform.

Cause after a minute of scrolling, you start muttering: Reddit, Reddit, Reddit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buj4eh/this_sub_is_the_most_representative_sub_on_this/
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Missing letter

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”
“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”
The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buj1wn/missing_letter/
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Little Billy was excited to get his Eagle badge but had to pass a final test

Billy and his mates are on a camping trip, when the troop leader said "I have one final test for you, Billy," as he pointed towards a tree. "I need you to identify the front of this tree."
Little Billy walks around the tree, studying it, the troop leader is stumped as Billy proclaims, "obviously this is the front," then he walks to the back and points "this is the back, you see all this poop? Nobody ever uses the front! In fact, my dad refers to these as shitposts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buj19u/little_billy_was_excited_to_get_his_eagle_badge/
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game...

After the game, he asked her if she liked it. She replied, "it was fun but I don't see why they made such a big fuss over 25 cents."
The guy asked, "What do you mean?"
And she said, "Well, at the beginning of the game, they flipped a coin and someone took it, and for the rest of the game, they kept shouting 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buizgs/a_guy_took_his_blonde_girlfriend_to_her_first/
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On Bill and Hillary’s wedding night

On Bill and Hillary's wedding night, Bill said " I'll always be truthful to you Hillary, but promise you'll never open this shoebox.
Thinking it's a strange request, Hillary agreed that she never would.
On their 30th anniversary, she stumbles upon the box. Having kept her promise for all these years, she decides to open the box. Inside, there are 3 soda cans and $1000. Strange she thinks and puts the box away.
That night at dinner, Hillary says, "Bill, I opened the box for the first time in our 30 years of marriage. What does it mean?"
Bill wasn't upset. He said "Well I put a soda can in the box for every time of cheated on you.".
"Well 3 times in 30 years isn't so bad," she replied. "But I have to ask, why was there $1000 in the box?"
And Bill said, "whenever the box fills up, I recycle the cans"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buiwci/on_bill_and_hillarys_wedding_night/
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What is the opposite of Domino's?

Domi doesn't know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buiuaj/what_is_the_opposite_of_dominos/
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Whats an anti-vax persons favorite game?

Marco Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buiu0v/whats_an_antivax_persons_favorite_game/
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What do you call sexual intercourse between a priest and a nun?

Holy fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buitge/what_do_you_call_sexual_intercourse_between_a/
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A monocle walks into a bar...

After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buipit/a_monocle_walks_into_a_bar/
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Dark humor is like food

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buip6r/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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"Clean this up! I’m not your personal butler!"

At this point batman realized how severe Alfred’s Alzheimer’s has become.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buiipd/clean_this_up_im_not_your_personal_butler/
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My favorite ice cream flavor is Death By Chocolate...

Because it satisfies two cravings at once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buiiiq/my_favorite_ice_cream_flavor_is_death_by_chocolate/
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Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name--leave it to me."
Lester walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Lester says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Lester replies, "I'll tell him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buieum/six_guys_were_playing_poker_when_smith_loses_500/
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NSFW 2 Nuns

2 Nuns have been tucked away in a convent for the last 2 years when the Mother Superior approaches them and informs them that due to their dedication and devotion over the last 2 years she will take them on a trip to the nearest village.
The 2 sisters smile with glee and anticipation to the rare outing to which the the Mothe Superior responds, "Sisters remember you must control yourselves."
So the 3 nuns leave for the village on their bicycles. After a little while in the picturesque rural landscape the 2 young nuns start to exclaim. "Ooohhh , Ahhhh , Oooo" to which the mother Superior responds " Sisters please quiet yourselves "
This lasts a couple of more minutes before the younger nuns again start to exclaim " Ohhh, Aaaahhh, Ooo." To which the Mother superior testily says, "Sisters you must control yourselves.  Be quite!"
This lasts only a few minutes more when again the younger nuns yet again exclaim, "Ohhhh, Ahhhh , Ooooo!" Finally completely at her wits end the Mother Superior declares, " SISTERS! I f you can not control yourselves I will have to put the seats back on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buicnw/nsfw_2_nuns/
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You can date them!

Junior: Dad, can I have your blessings and guidance? I want to date Annie from the block.
Dad: You can't date her! Between you and me she's your sister!
The next week...
Junior: Dad, I'm in love! I want to date Brenda, our neighbor.
Dad: You can't date her! Between you and me she's your sister!
Junior going to Mom..
Junior: Mom, I hate dad! I want to Brenda, and Annie but Dad says they're my siblings!..Ooops..
Mom: You can date them! Between you and me he's not your father!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buicdd/you_can_date_them/
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Where do midgets go to have a drink?

the mini bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buht0z/where_do_midgets_go_to_have_a_drink/
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What's the best thing about building a time machine for a school project?

You can take as long as you want and still get it in by the due date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buhjsj/whats_the_best_thing_about_building_a_time/
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Donald Trump is boarding Air Force One

When all of a sudden, an assassin jumps out and points the gun at Trump. A member of the secret service sees this and yells, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin so much that it gives the other agents time to apprehend him. While the agents interrogate the assassin, Donald Trump pulls the agent aside and says, “ Why did you yell Mickey Mouse when you saw the assassin?” The agent says, “Well, I got nervous and meant to say Donald Duck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buhi9b/donald_trump_is_boarding_air_force_one/
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How many unvaccinated children does it take to change a LED light bulb?

Doesn't matter, the light bulbs last ten years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buh9es/how_many_unvaccinated_children_does_it_take_to/
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My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buh6xh/my_grandfather_with_alzheimer_died_last_year_when/
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A married couple touring Israel sat outside at a Bethlehem sidewalk cafe, waiting for their friends. A peddler approached them, his arm loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales plea yielded nothing, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.” “Yes, I am,” said the wife. He pointed to her husband and asked her, “Is he your husband?” “Yes.”
“Mister, I’ll give you a hundred camels for her.” The husband sat for a long, stunned silence before he replied, “She’s not for sale.”
After the salesman left, his indignant wife asked, “What took you so long to answer?”
He replied, “I was trying to figure out how I could get a hundred camels back to America!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buh4dl/a_married_couple_touring_israel_sat_outside_at_a/
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A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back...

...
"What are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.
"I'm a turtle,"
"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"
"Oh her?" He smiles. "That's Michelle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buh27w/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party_with_nothing_but_a/
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Whiteboards

Are remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bugxq5/whiteboards/
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How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?

13, but #9 will shock you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bugtej/how_many_buzzfeed_writers_does_it_take_to_start/
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The Tour Bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly by the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks.

The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America." A male passenger shouted "WHY?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bugqqh/the_tour_bus_traveling_through_northern_nevada/
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I hope death is a women

That way it will never cum for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bugp69/i_hope_death_is_a_women/
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I went out drinking tonight so I took the bus home

Now I can tell you one thing
.
.
.
It's a crazy experience driving a bus drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bugo8h/i_went_out_drinking_tonight_so_i_took_the_bus_home/
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Over the course of my life my sexual fantasies have been getting more and more perverse.

But it wasn't till I spanked a statue that I realized I had hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bugo6h/over_the_course_of_my_life_my_sexual_fantasies/
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One of my favourite jokes, from the movie desperado.

This reminds me of a joke. This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right." Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, foosh, he lets it rip. And he-he's pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere except the fucking glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he's laughing his fuckin' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300." And the bartender's like, "What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bugmhc/one_of_my_favourite_jokes_from_the_movie_desperado/
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My neighbor tricked me into buying his dog by claiming it could sew any article of clothing,

But all it does is pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bugmg2/my_neighbor_tricked_me_into_buying_his_dog_by/
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A man with Alzheimer's is telling a joke



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bugik3/a_man_with_alzheimers_is_telling_a_joke/
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What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bughk1/whats_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
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- My wife struggles with alcoholism

- Does she drink?
- No, I drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bugewp/my_wife_struggles_with_alcoholism/
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bugejh/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
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What's a dentist's favourite dinosaur?

A Flossiraptor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bugcc4/whats_a_dentists_favourite_dinosaur/
%
PSA for Women:

STOP STARTING CONVERSATIONS WITH "ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?"
MEN DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT!
AT LEAST SAY SOMETHING FIRST!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bugaer/psa_for_women/
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I have an anorexic girlfriend

but i’ve been seeing less and less of her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bug8mo/i_have_an_anorexic_girlfriend/
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SELECT * FROM TABLE ORDER BY ROWNUM DESC;

Look how the tables have turned!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bufzgm/select_from_table_order_by_rownum_desc/
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Joining the Military.

To join the Russian Elite forces in Siberia, You are to be expected to be the best of the best.
Just to be allowed to take the gruesome and excruciating entrance exam. You have to meet some pretty strict criteria, and prove yourself with a feat of strength
As Ivan is led to the commissioning officer, he first has to prove he's at least 190 cm and can drink a whole bottle of vodka without twitching an eye. Being over 2 meters and quite massive, he tries to Impress the officer with drinking not just a bottle, but the whole crate of vodka without even breaking a sweat.
The officers leads our now tipsy hero to a closed room while explaining his upcoming task. He will be locked in this room with Bobby, the polar bear, and has to use his wits to survive the night and grab a small key off the bear's chest. Once done, he can use this key to open a door behind the bear into the wild, then proceed to sneak into a tribe's camp not too far and sleep with one of the women there, without anyone noticing, to prove his manliness.
Ivan agrees, Put his cap on backwards, and kicks in the door while stumbling from the vodka... The Officer closes the door behind him and listens closely. He hears the bear and Ivan yelling, growling, the most gruesome noises and roars. Then suddenly... silence... the night passes. and Ivan nowhere to be seen.
Fearing for his life, the officer enters the room with some soldiers and see Ivan passed out on the floor, scratches and cuts everywhere, part of his leg missing. his eye is hanging out of his socket.Face all ripped up. His clothes are all folded neatly on the floor. The bear is sleeping in the corner.
They carry Ivan to the medic and are able to bring him back to consciousness with a big shot of vodka. Ivan slowly opens his remaining eye and smiles. "Well guys, I did it, Grabbing the key off a poor woman is peanuts compared to this"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bufwlu/joining_the_military/
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A woman (mom) was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night,

when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes,
and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the woman’s rapt attention,
and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.
Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
“I’ll do anything,” he whispered in a deep, soft voice.
“Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty dollars.
There’s just one condition…”
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition.
The man said, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition,
then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars.
She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand.
She leaned over and whispered into his ear…
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
“Clean… my… house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bufpa2/a_woman_mom_was_sitting_at_a_bar_enjoying_a/
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Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 2 year old crying?

Mid-life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bufnjw/why_was_the_antivaxxers_2_year_old_crying/
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Did you hear about the man with a stutter who broke out of jail?

He didn’t finish his sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buflc7/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_a_stutter_who/
%
"Watson, do you know the meaning of the word constipation?"

"No shit, Sherlock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bufkry/watson_do_you_know_the_meaning_of_the_word/
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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performance from 1-10...

Last night we tried anal and she kept yelling 9.
That’s the best score I’ve ever had!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bufk99/my_german_girlfriend_likes_to_rate_my_sexual/
%
This girl who I was on a date with told me I looked pretty average.

What a mean thing to say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buffkh/this_girl_who_i_was_on_a_date_with_told_me_i/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg!
PS: Probably an old repost but I haven't seen it in awhile and it's a favorite of mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bufe6h/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bufdtb/what_did_the_part_first_nations_part/
%
Heard about the man who painted his scrotum?

Pretty nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bufcuc/heard_about_the_man_who_painted_his_scrotum/
%
Putin summons the ghost of Stalin.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "what should I do to fix my country?"
"Execute the government and paint the Kremlin blue" says Stalin.
"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.
"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part" says Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buf9lc/putin_summons_the_ghost_of_stalin/
%
Oral sex is overrated

I've tried it and it sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buf2vq/oral_sex_is_overrated/
%
Who's red and knows whether you've been good or bad?

The Spanish Inquisition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buex07/whos_red_and_knows_whether_youve_been_good_or_bad/
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Why was everyone sad at the atheist’s funeral?

He was all dressed up with nowhere to go!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buewrh/why_was_everyone_sad_at_the_atheists_funeral/
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Blind Date: Sooo i’m a huge country fan

Me: (*trying to impress her*)
I know China is an incredibly huge country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bueq5w/blind_date_sooo_im_a_huge_country_fan/
%
On my wedding day, My dad sat me down and had "the talk" with me.

Dad: Son, you will have to make a choice now. You can be right, or you can be happy. But you cannot be both.
I think for a moment
Me: but ever since I can remember, you are always wrong.
Dad: exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bueppa/on_my_wedding_day_my_dad_sat_me_down_and_had_the/
%
Jesus told John come fourth and have eternal life....

He got fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buen64/jesus_told_john_come_fourth_and_have_eternal_life/
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How do you stop fries from curling in the pan?

Take away their brooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buefm6/how_do_you_stop_fries_from_curling_in_the_pan/
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A man walks into a bar

and see Adolf Hitler. Confuse, the man walks up to him and ask, "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"
To which Hitler replies, "I was but God has given me a second chance and this time I'll accomplish my goal of killing all the Jews and a politician."
Surprise the man exclaims, "Wait why a politician?"
Hitler answers, "See, even today nobody cares about the Jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bueb4j/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My weird friend is now engaged to a spirit.

I’m happy for him as he has found his boo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bueadt/my_weird_friend_is_now_engaged_to_a_spirit/
%
To the guy who stole all my antidepressants,

I hope you're happy now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buea1f/to_the_guy_who_stole_all_my_antidepressants/
%
Me and my Wife sometimes call each other by Animal Names.

For example: Yesterday she called me a fucking Cheetah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bue9p4/me_and_my_wife_sometimes_call_each_other_by/
%
Why did the spy cross the road?

He didn't. He was never really on your side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bue8or/why_did_the_spy_cross_the_road/
%
A Spartan man and an Athenian man are arguing over which city is best

The Spartan man says " I think this should come down to a vote"
To which the Athenian agrees
The Spartan then says "I vote Sparta"
The Athenian says" I vote Athens"
The Spartans wife say "I vote Sparta"
The Athenian Wife  says calmly"I don't get to vote"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bue6r2/a_spartan_man_and_an_athenian_man_are_arguing/
%
A sailor lands a shore after 3 months at sea

He heads straight for the brothel and grabs the nearest hooker, he takes her upstairs and get straight to business
After 10 minutes he asks the hooker "how am i doing?"
"About 3 knots" she says.
"3 knots?!" The sailor said puzzled.
"Yes, you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bue2fp/a_sailor_lands_a_shore_after_3_months_at_sea/
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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bue2d3/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
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A rich man and a poor man buy anniversary gift.

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary.
They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"
He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back to store in her new car, come home and still be happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works."
The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"
The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/budxjy/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_buy_anniversary_gift/
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I was going to make a joke about anti-vax kids,

But it would only die in new

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/budtou/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_antivax_kids/
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Why do doctors make us wait at the hospital?

Because we’re patient

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/budo4z/why_do_doctors_make_us_wait_at_the_hospital/
%
Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy..... you just hoped nobody found out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/budjvr/life_before_the_computer/
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A blonde is looking to make some extra cash

She decided that she would go around her neighborhood and try to do some odd jobs here and there to make some
She goes over to her richest neighbors house thinking that he would have money to spare and his house was so big that he was bound to have something to do
She goes up the huge porch and knocks on the front door, when her neighbor answered the door she explained her situation and asks him if he had any odd jobs around the house for her to do,
Even though her neighbor was rich he was also really cheap so he figures since she was a blonde he could trick her into doing a really large job for next to nothing
He tells her that if she'd be willing to paint his porch he would give her $10, to which the blonde happily agrees, The two shake hands and he tells her that all the painting supplies are in the garage, then tells her that she won't get paid unless she does the entire porch, to which she says she understands and goes to the garage
The man walks back inside and goes up to his wife and says "you're never going to believe this" I just convinced that stupid blonde next door to paint the entire porch for $10, Ten dollars! The wife exclaims that's so cheap, she does realize that the porch goes all the way around the house right?
She should says the man she was standing right on it, she may be blonde but I doubt she's stupid enough not to have noticed, 15 minutes later the blonde goes back to the front door and rings the bell
All finished she says with a smile on her face, "Finished!" the man says in disbelief The entire porch? , "The Entire porch" the blonde says I even had some paint left over so I gave it a second coat, the man is shocked and says "wow you are full of surprises, here you've more than earned this $10" , the blonde takes the money and starts to leave before she goes she turns back to the man and says
"oh by the way, it's not a porch it's a Lexus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/budg4g/a_blonde_is_looking_to_make_some_extra_cash/
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How did the hunter kill the polar bear?

He shot him right between the ice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/budec0/how_did_the_hunter_kill_the_polar_bear/
%
Why did the man get fired from the keyboard station?

Because he wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/budeb4/why_did_the_man_get_fired_from_the_keyboard/
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Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/budd7u/condoms_dont_really_guarantee_full_protection/
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When you’re telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you tell them the whole joke.

Because it’s really difficult to tell them a part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/budd0x/when_youre_telling_a_joke_to_identical_twins_make/
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I told my friend that my boyfriend's family are against us dating

"Who are they to stop you?!"
"His wife and kids"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/budbtd/i_told_my_friend_that_my_boyfriends_family_are/
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What’s it called when you shoot someone on Halloween

Trigger treating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/budatn/whats_it_called_when_you_shoot_someone_on/
%
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bud7yi/my_son_asked_me_daddy_why_do_bees_stay_in_the/
%
A banker died. When he arrived at the junction between heaven and hell, God gave him a choice between the two. The banker decided to take a tour.

He toured heaven. It was calm, serene and comfortable. Then he toured hell. There were nightclubs, endless bars, girls all around and loud music. He obviously chose the hell.
When he entered hell, there were fireballs, demons spitting java and not a pickle to eat. He turned to God and asked ‘What happened! Where are the parties and the girls?’
God replied, ‘oh, that was just something that the boys from the marketing put together.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bud60f/a_banker_died_when_he_arrived_at_the_junction/
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I am broken when my name is spoken.

The McDonald’s ice cream machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bud4cq/i_am_broken_when_my_name_is_spoken/
%
Guy trips over a small bottle on Miami Beach

And a genie pops out WHOA! says the guy I didn't think this kind of thing was real? I'm real says the Genie and you have one wish what can I do for you? Guys say after a moments thought you know Mr Genie I'm good I don't really need anything... Ah, come on says the Genie I have to grant you one wish there must be something I can do for you? The guy ponders a minute or two more then says well I have family over in the UK how about you build a bridge from here to there then I can drive over whenever I want never liked flying. The Genies eyebrows raise wow that's one hella bridge your talking about there fella! is there not anything else have another think. The guy says nah that's it well apart from the fact I've never understood women.. Don't suppose you could help with that?  HAHAHA, Laughs the Genie lets get cracking on that bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bud2lp/guy_trips_over_a_small_bottle_on_miami_beach/
%
Me: I have trained this goat to talk.

Karen: This would be fun to see.
Me[to goat]: Who do i love the most?
Goat: Mee
Me[to goat]: Who's my pet?
Goat: Mee
Karen: Ah, its boring
Me: Wait it gets better
Goat: It gets way better, Karen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bucpt8/me_i_have_trained_this_goat_to_talk/
%
I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience."

"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bucov9/i_said_to_my_wife_they_say_that_childbirth_is_the/
%
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just
roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bucm67/a_mom_visits_her_son_for_dinner_who_lives_with_a/
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A knight is called to war by his liege

Before he leaves he puts a chastity belt on his wife, locks it and trusts his stewart with the key.
Just as he was about to leave the stewart comes running towards him
"Sir, you left me the wrong key!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bucluf/a_knight_is_called_to_war_by_his_liege/
%
What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A BMW has the pricks on the inside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buchr2/what_is_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a/
%
A bus full of lunatics broke down.

The driver is walking around the bus checking everything but does not figure out what's wrong. One of the passengers comes to him and says "I know what's broken, I know what's broken!" but the driver ignores him and tells him to go back inside. Local mechanic arrives and checks everything there is to check but also can't diagnose the issue. The same passenger comes again saying "I know what's broken, I know what's broken!" but the driver explains to the mechanic that the bus is full of lunatics and there is no fucking way he knows what's broken so they ignore him and send him back inside. Mechanic's boss arrives and also checks everything but again with no luck when the same passenger comes for the third time shouting "I know what's broken, I know what's broken!". "Well fuck it, what do we have to lose." thinks the driver to himself. "Tell us what's broken?"
"The bus is broken." say lunatic proudly.
P.S. sorry for any errors. English is not my native language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bucgj7/a_bus_full_of_lunatics_broke_down/
%
why does the python live on land?

it's above c level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bucaut/why_does_the_python_live_on_land/
%
Have you heard about the new law that has passed?

They passed a law saying you have to have your headlights on when it’s raining in Denmark.
Problem is, when I get in the car, how am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Denmark?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buc84c/have_you_heard_about_the_new_law_that_has_passed/
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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.
"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.
"I'll never be able to live it down" says the second.
"Let's tell the captain that we've decided not to go" says the third.
Headstrong they head to the captains quarters to voice their displeasure and inform him of their decision.
The captain hears them out but ultimately disagrees and informs them that they'll be going ahead with the journey.
"But we've got you outvoted 3 to 1" the sailors cried in unison.
"You fools" said the captain "you're all forgetting one thing!"
"What's that?" Exclaimed the sailors.
The captain stood tall and addressed them powerfully.
"That this isn't a democracy..."
"It's a dick tater ship!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buc08j/three_sailors_are_discussing_their_cargo/
%
A priest a nun and a camel .

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bubzx7/a_priest_a_nun_and_a_camel/
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I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buby30/i_asked_god_what_the_most_unlikely_thing_was_in/
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I was in a bar a few months ago with my friend and these 4 huge bastards started mouthing off at us .

"Pretend we're the police" my friend said
I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bubucm/i_was_in_a_bar_a_few_months_ago_with_my_friend/
%
How do you make the ice cream more expensive?

Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bubuc5/how_do_you_make_the_ice_cream_more_expensive/
%
A man and wife and the captain of a small charter boat capsized and ended up stranded on a deserted island.

It was a very small island with one solitary palm tree.Each day the captain and the husband of the wife would take turns climbing the tree to look for rescue vessels.This went on for days then weeks.The captain was starting to get restless and horny so he came up with a plan.He was high up in the tree and when he looked down he yelled,"hey you guys,stop fucking down there"The husband looks at the wife,and the wife looks at the husband and they both shrug there shoulders because they were nowhere near each other.The following day the husband is high up in his perch,looking for ships,looks down and says to himself,"I'll be damned.It really does look like they're fucking down there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bubmf7/a_man_and_wife_and_the_captain_of_a_small_charter/
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Why should you not date a tennis player

Because love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bubg93/why_should_you_not_date_a_tennis_player/
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Cake day joke for you guys

A pony walks into a bar.
"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.
"I'll have one whiskey, please." the pony whispered softly.
The bartender says, "Sure, but why are you speaking so quietly?"
"I'm a little hoarse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bubd9c/cake_day_joke_for_you_guys/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bubd7t/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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A man is seated at at a table in a bar

with a glass of beer in front of him. His best friend arrives, takes the beer and drinks it.
The man starts crying .
\- "What's the matter? You are crying for a beer?" asks the friend
\- "No no" the man  replies, sobbing. "today is horrible day for me.  Everything is going wrong. My wife has a lover, she's taken all the money from my account, I 've been fired from my job, I wanted to hang myself but the rope broke, I tried to shoot myself but the gun jammed, with my last dollars I buy  this beer  and put poison in it, and you come here and drink it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bubc8p/a_man_is_seated_at_at_a_table_in_a_bar/
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A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bubbgi/a_failed_marriage_is_like_an_avengers_movie/
%
On a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood bar, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.
At last ( when almost everyone had left) he pulled out of the parking lot & started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy.  They all got away!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bubbbc/on_a_routine_police_patrol_parked_outside_a_local/
%
“Wait a minute! You have been cheating on me all this time!”, my wife yelled at me as she found all the letters I had been hiding.

I felt cornered and prepared myself to face her fury, as she got red with anger and started walking towards me. She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a killer look I could never forget.
And kids, that’s the last time I played scrabble with her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bubau6/wait_a_minute_you_have_been_cheating_on_me_all/
%
There's a fantastic bar in Helsinki where people make a habit of ordering drinks after last call...

the bartender always obliges if they Finnish up quick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buba61/theres_a_fantastic_bar_in_helsinki_where_people/
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The girlfriend just got her teeth whitened

Although, to be honest, most of it went on her chin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bub6o5/the_girlfriend_just_got_her_teeth_whitened/
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What do Alabamans use to show their family tree?

A telephone pole. No branches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bub3m1/what_do_alabamans_use_to_show_their_family_tree/
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I forgot my joke about boomerangs

Then it came back to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buaywv/i_forgot_my_joke_about_boomerangs/
%
There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".
He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could satisfy herself. He looks around but finds nothing.
The cashier comes to him and asks him what he wants, to which the man tells him his problem. "I have a special toy just for you" the cashier tells the man. They both go to the back room and the cashier pulls out a black velvet box. He opens it and there's a golden dildo inside it.
"What's so special about this?" asks the man. "Check this out" replies the cashier and says "Voodoo Dildo, the door". The golden dildo rises from its black velvet box and starts furiously humping the door till it breaks. The cashier then says "Voodoo Dildo, the box" and the golden dildo flies back into the box and he closes it.
The man thoroughly impressed buys it and goes to his girlfriend. He says "Honey, I'm going away for 3 weeks for work. If you ever feel horny, just open this box and say these words that I've written down".
A couple of weeks pass and the girlfriend gets really horny. She suddenly remembers what her boyfriend and told her. So she goes to the drawer and opens the black velvet box and reads out the following phrase "Voodoo Dildo, my vagina". The golden dildo rises from the box and starts humping her.
After a while, having had a few orgasms, she's tired and wants to sleep. She tries to pull it out but she's not able to. She then realizes that her boyfriend hadn't told her the words to stop it. So, she decides to go to the hospital and get it surgically removed. She somehow wears her gown and gets to her car.
Obviously in a state of panic, arousal and pain, she's unable to drive the car properly and starts swerving. Seeing a reckless driver, a police officer soon catches up to her and makes her stop. As he comes to the window he sees this woman who's sweating and panting and there's water everywhere.
"Are you drunk?" asks the officer. "No no officer, I'm perfectly sober" replies the woman.
"Then what's the problem ma'am?" asks the officer. The woman embarrassedly tells him "I have a Voodoo Dildo stuck inside me. I'm going to the hospital to get it surgically removed".
"Yeah right" replies the officer, not believing a word, "Voodoo Dildo my ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buavic/there_was_a_man_who_recently_started_dating_an/
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I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television.

I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buavbx/i_asked_my_grandma_what_her_parents_did_for_fun/
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Why did the Japanese guy not get a high five...

Because Logan Paul left him hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buauiq/why_did_the_japanese_guy_not_get_a_high_five/
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What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat...

The wheel chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buaqut/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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What do you call someone who speaks three languages?

Q: What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
A: Tri-Lingual
Q: What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
A: Bi-Lingual
Q: What do you call someone who speaks one language?
A: American

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buapik/what_do_you_call_someone_who_speaks_three/
%
Friends are like snow.

When you pee on them they disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buaoyy/friends_are_like_snow/
%
What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buam57/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
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To my dearest wife...

A couple decide to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by visiting the same hotel in Spain they'd visited for their honeymoon.
In the excitement, they get to the airport but sadly find the plane is overbooked.
The wife says to the husband, "don't worry, you catch this flight and I'll catch the next one tomorrow morning", the husband agrees and departs.
To his delight, the hotel is exactly as it was all those years ago, with the only exception being that the room now has a computer. So he decides to type an email to his wife. But in his excitement he forgets one letter in the email address. One letter.
Meanwhile, in a different part of the world, a widow is returning from her late husbands funeral. She arrives home, grief stricken and mourning. She decides to check her email.
The emails are what you'd expect, the usual condolences from family and friends, the "sorry for your loss" messages and comforting emails from her loved ones. With the exception of one...
The title of the email, "To my dearest wife..."
Sceptical, she opens the email. It reads:
"To my dearest wife,
It was such a shame I had to leave you behind today..."
"I was surprised when I got here to find they've got computers now so you can send emails! I just thought I'd let you know I got here safely"
At this point the widow doesn't know what to make of this, but with tears in her eyes, she continues.
"Everyone here is very friendly and the room is lovely... And I'm looking forward to seeing you here tomorrow... Until then, my love, be safe and I'll see you soon"
The widows jaw drops to the floor as she reads the last line...
"PS, it sure is freaking hot down here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/buab1h/to_my_dearest_wife/
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There's this guy who walks into a bar

He goes to the bartender and tells him
"Listen sir, I am a gambling man, and I have a proposition for you."
The bartender is intrigued and asks him what his bargain is.
"I bet you $50 that if I can piss into two of your shot glasses from 2 feet away without getting a single drop out of the glasses."
The bartender agrees and sets the shot glasses up for the bet.
The man pulls out his penis, aims at them, and completely misses them, hitting the bartender in the face, hitting the counter, almost everywhere in the bar was covered in piss.
The bartender just starts laughing and laughing.
"You stupid idiot. You weren't even close. Just give me my $50."
The man gives the bartender the $50 and leaves him to his business.
About 5 minutes later, the bartender sees the same man get $500 from some guy in the back.
The bartender goes up to the guy.
"Why did you just give that man $500?"
"I bet him $500 that he could piss in your face and you would just laugh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bua9sq/theres_this_guy_who_walks_into_a_bar/
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It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bua60f/it_is_said_that_a_million_monkeys_at_a_million/
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Crisis in Faith

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate. However, as the Mufti spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mufti looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Mufti pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Mufti pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Mufti was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy. Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God!  Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He beat me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd won. "I haven't a clue," the Mufti said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!"" And then what?" asked someone, "Who knows?" said the Mufti. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bua3v9/crisis_in_faith/
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[Political] What's a pro-choicer's favorite metal band?

Dying Fetus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bua2s5/political_whats_a_prochoicers_favorite_metal_band/
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A turtle got mugged by two snails.

A turtle was crossing the road when two snails mugged him.  The police showed up and asked the turtle what happened.  “I don’t know,” the turtle replied. “It all happened so fast.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bua1iv/a_turtle_got_mugged_by_two_snails/
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My wife wants larger breasts. I told her to just rub toilet paper in her cleavage twice a day, they'll get bigger. She scoffed, "That's ridiculous." I replied....

"Well, it certainly worked for your ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bua0fb/my_wife_wants_larger_breasts_i_told_her_to_just/
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I was told by my therapist to stop listening to Africa

but it's gonna take a lot to drag me away from it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu9y4q/i_was_told_by_my_therapist_to_stop_listening_to/
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What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn’t ask a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu9wao/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_9_letters_but_never/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu9lkf/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna one
Anna two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu9i0g/what_did_the_drummer_name_his_twin_daughters/
%
I have a joke or 2 about bad teeth coming

Brace yourselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu9ecf/i_have_a_joke_or_2_about_bad_teeth_coming/
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I'm only good at 3 things

And that's self depreciation and overestimating the amount of things I'm good at

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu9dlf/im_only_good_at_3_things/
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I was going to post my time traveling joke,

but you guys didn’t like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu99pz/i_was_going_to_post_my_time_traveling_joke/
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A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.

He says, "No, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu998w/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel_and_is_asked_if_he/
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In the land of fruits and vegetables anything goes

One day, two carrot police officers were patrolling the city when they received a message from dispatch.
“We have a bank robbery in progress at the First Bank of Fruits. There are about 30 hostages and one assailant. Suspect appears to be an apple in his mid 20’s. He is armed and dangerous.”
“Alright, lets go.” Says one carrot to the other.
They arrive at the scene where they are greeted by an eggplant officer. He informs them that a squash walked out of the bank earlier with a note for the officers. A ransom note.
He hands it over to one of the carrots who examines it. Suddenly the other carrot runs in with his gun drawn.
After the sound of gunfire is heard the carrot emerges and the hostages are free.
The other carrot officer approaches and says, “dude, you didn’t even read the ransom note!”
The brave hero replies, “who the fuck reads apple’s terms and conditions!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu98ub/in_the_land_of_fruits_and_vegetables_anything_goes/
%
So I said to my doctor, "Doc, I asked all three of my boys what they wanted to be when they grew up, and they said they wanted to be valets!"

And the Doc replies, "Wow, that's the worst case of Parking Sons disease I've ever seen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu98ge/so_i_said_to_my_doctor_doc_i_asked_all_three_of/
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What do you call a small person in Thailand?

Thai-ny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu96xo/what_do_you_call_a_small_person_in_thailand/
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Sherlock is waiting for Watson to come out of the bathroom.

Trying to pass the time, he decides to work out what is taking Watson so long. He makes a list of all the variables, and calculates the probability of each one. Finally, he comes to a conclusion.
"Are you constipated, Watson?"
"No shit, Sherlock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu93px/sherlock_is_waiting_for_watson_to_come_out_of_the/
%
One wind turbine turns to the other and says: what's your favourite genre of music?

The other wind turbine replies: I'm a big heavy metal fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu92nr/one_wind_turbine_turns_to_the_other_and_says/
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Why did the spy cross the road?

He didn't. He was never really on your side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu8v1a/why_did_the_spy_cross_the_road/
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Beethoven has died...

Local townsmen state that they can here faint music from under his grave.
Intrigued, the local Mortician visits the site to investigate
And yes, faint music rises from the grave! The Mortician retrieves the Priest.
Together they listen, and slowly begin the realize the music playing is Beethoven's 8th.
Then his 7th, then his 6th, his 5th, his 4th, then his 2nd. And they realize.
He's decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu8s07/beethoven_has_died/
%
I’m secretly addicted to masturbating with soap.

I’m trying to cum clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu8q7u/im_secretly_addicted_to_masturbating_with_soap/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu8jih/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

"Put me in coach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu8fct/what_did_the_football_player_say_to_the_flight/
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This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies...

But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb fuck, a cunt, and several other names.
The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing.
Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer.
Even from in there, he hears him cussing him out.
Then the parrot falls silent. The guy thinks shit I've killed him.
He opens the freezer.
The parrot hops out saying, "Very sorry for how I spoke to you, sir. I just have one question... What did the chicken do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu8ejk/this_guy_inherits_a_parrot_when_his_friend_dies/
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Upon admitting defeat, a proud Confederate leader said, “The Union was pretty much right.”

(General Lee speaking)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu8cxo/upon_admitting_defeat_a_proud_confederate_leader/
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Deaf people make excellent gynecologists.

They can read lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu8c7d/deaf_people_make_excellent_gynecologists/
%
Why don’t ant’s ever get sick?

Because they have lots of little antibodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu84g2/why_dont_ants_ever_get_sick/
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Hamsters are a lot like cigarretes.

Completely harmless until you light one on fire and put it in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu82ao/hamsters_are_a_lot_like_cigarretes/
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What do you call a cow that mows lawns?

A lawn Moo-er

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu819v/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_mows_lawns/
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Dear algebra, stop asking us to find your x

She left you and I don’t know y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu80up/dear_algebra_stop_asking_us_to_find_your_x/
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What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?

Lambo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu7w9m/what_do_you_call_a_sheep_with_a_machine_gun/
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A healthy human can grow up to eight feet

But most only have two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu77b5/a_healthy_human_can_grow_up_to_eight_feet/
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The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.

After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the balls. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.
The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, follows along. Once again the good townsfolk are trying to make the elephant kneel and once again Jimmy steps up to deliver the painful blow and claim his reward.
By now the elephant's owner is getting concerned for his elephant's health, so he decides to change the act.
The next day Jimmy turns up but the owner stops him and says that now he has to make the elephant nod its head then shake its head to win the prize.
Jimmy walks up to the elephant and says, "Remember me?"
Elephant nods.
"Want me to do it again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu734l/the_circus_arrives_in_town_with_a_novel_act_make/
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Why can’t your nose be 12 inches?

Because then it would be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu6w1i/why_cant_your_nose_be_12_inches/
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I'm so handsome, I once turned someone gay.

Admittedly they were a girl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu6u0b/im_so_handsome_i_once_turned_someone_gay/
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I gave money to a homeless person today!

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu6ryy/i_gave_money_to_a_homeless_person_today/
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A young monk arrives for work at a monastery

where scrolls are copied from prior scrolls by hand.  After some time he noticed that they are copying from copies. Humbly he points out to the master monk that an error could be introduced and then copied and recopied via this process.
The master reassured the youngster that they are very careful to faithfully copy the text and it was unlikely that something like that could occur.
Still, after the young monk went back to work the master monk was bothered by this revelation.   To satisfy his mind about something he went down deep into the cellar... A little while later a scream was heard by all the monks and they all ran down into the cellar thinking that master had hurt himself in dark. They found him sobbing on the floor and holding a very old scroll.  What's wrong? They asked in unison. The master said through sobs it says **Celebrate** not **Celibate**!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu6r5l/a_young_monk_arrives_for_work_at_a_monastery/
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NSFW - At what point does CPR become necrophillia?

When you both become stiff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu6qci/nsfw_at_what_point_does_cpr_become_necrophillia/
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3 fish are arrested and questioned by an officer

The officer brings the first fish in for questioning. He asks, "Alright, what's your name?" To which the first fish responds, "Fish". "Okay, Fish," the officer replies. "Can you tell me what the hell you were doing in the public fountain??" The first fish smiles and says, "I was blowing bubbles, sir." The officer laughs at Fish, shakes his head, and asks the first fish to leave.
The officer brings in the second fish. Again, he asks for the fish's name. The second fish says, "Fish Fish". "Okay," replies the officer, "What were you doing in the public fountain, Fish Fish?" "Well, sir, I was just blowing bubbles," states Fish Fish. The Officer frowns as he begins to question the abilities of his partner. He tells the second fish the leave his office.
The officer then asks the third fish to come in for questioning. As the third fish sits down, the officer scoffs and says, "Let me guess, your name is Fish Fish Fish and you were also blowing bubbles in the fountain." The third fish raises his eyebrow and replies, "No, sir, I'm Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu6oov/3_fish_are_arrested_and_questioned_by_an_officer/
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Birth is alot like piloting a plane

Sometimes you gotta abort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu6oc9/birth_is_alot_like_piloting_a_plane/
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I just cycled ten miles to Halfords to get a new bicycle seat.

What a pain in the arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu6hxr/i_just_cycled_ten_miles_to_halfords_to_get_a_new/
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i think i figured out the word for getting mildly electrocuted

shocking, right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu6grc/i_think_i_figured_out_the_word_for_getting_mildly/
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Unfortunately my style of humour is reflected in the type of woman I attract.

Dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu6em9/unfortunately_my_style_of_humour_is_reflected_in/
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Little Johnny strikes again

Teacher: why did you laugh?
Boy #1 : I saw a strap of your bra.
Teacher: GET OUT. Suspended for one week.
Boy #2 laughs.
Teacher: why did you laugh??
Boy #2: I saw both straps.
Teacher: GET OUT. Suspended for 1 month.
She bends down to pick up a chalk and Little Johnny gets up and starts to walk out of the room.
Teacher: Johnny, where do you think you are going?
LJ: With what i just saw, I think my school days are over!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu67dl/little_johnny_strikes_again/
%
My Wife's new bra was hurting her like crazy so I told her to take it off.

That'll *sore tit out.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu66xt/my_wifes_new_bra_was_hurting_her_like_crazy_so_i/
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What do you call a mushroom with a big penis?

A fungi to be with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu66gw/what_do_you_call_a_mushroom_with_a_big_penis/
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Why was the music teacher arrested?

He fingered A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu66c2/why_was_the_music_teacher_arrested/
%
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting "Lettuce Leaf!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu63d4/i_trapped_a_couple_of_vegans_in_my_basement/
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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid Firemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu62ce/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/
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Ouchie

How do elephants hide?
They paint their balls red and hide in cherry trees.
What is the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu618s/ouchie/
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Only you Darling

Girlfriend to her Boyfriend.....
Girl: Darling how many girls have you slept with? Tell me honestly.
Boy: Only you Darling. With all others, i was awake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu6067/only_you_darling/
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights” .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5ys0/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_shes_been/
%
Why doesn’t scientology have any coal workers?

because sects with miners is illegal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5wh8/why_doesnt_scientology_have_any_coal_workers/
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There may not be an I in ’team’

But there’s 2 in ‘Stupid’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5vw4/there_may_not_be_an_i_in_team/
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What nationality is Santa Claus?

North polish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5v5c/what_nationality_is_santa_claus/
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A man walks into the veterinarian hospital holding a duck...

He says to the doc: “Hey doc, I think my duck might be dead. I’m not sure though.”
The doc replies, “Well, he’s not moving and he doesn’t look so good. Sorry to say this man but he looks dead. I could do some testing though if you’d like?”
The man says, “Aw man doc, yea that’d be great to have some tests done.”
The doc disappears for a minute and then brings in a chocolate lab. The lab sniffs the duck for a bit, and then looks at the doc and shakes his head.
The doc says, “Looks like he’s passed away, he’s dead sir. I’m so sorry.”
The man says, “Dang... This was the best duck I’ve had. Are you sure he’s really dead?”
So then the doc goes away for another minute and brings out a cat. The cat looks closely at the duck, touches it’s wings, and then looks at the doc and shakes his head.
“I’m really sorry sir but this duck is dead. I wish I had something better to tell you.”
The mans replies, “Well shoot doc, alright. I’m gonna miss that duck. How much do I owe you?”
“$1,500.”
“$1,500!? For what??”
Very calmly the doc said, “Sir, lab tests and cat scans aren’t cheap.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5sne/a_man_walks_into_the_veterinarian_hospital/
%
Man, I really love my furniture.

Me and my recliner go way back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5qd4/man_i_really_love_my_furniture/
%
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was the captain's parrot, after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5khw/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship_in_the/
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My wife and the hooker...

My wife of 5 years had put on just a little bit of weight recently and I wanted to encourage her to become fitter. I took up jogging hoping she’d join me on my runs but she didn’t take to it immediately. Nevertheless, I continued doing it every evening and like clockwork,I would run past this extremely attractive hooker on the same street corner that would shout “ $100 to make your dreams come true baby..” and I’d shout back “ $10!” without breaking my stride.
This went on for a few weeks until one day, my wife decided to give jogging a go and accompanied me for my evening run. Due to my joy of finally getting her to take it up I had completely forgotten about my daily encounters with the prostitute and I started to wonder how I’d explain it all.
Sure enough, as we came around the corner, I could see the lady standing in her usual spot. I deliberately avoided making eye contact this time hoping she’d just ignore me too. But just as we approached her, she looked my wife up and down and while laughing hysterically yelled “ see what you get for ten dollars!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5h0b/my_wife_and_the_hooker/
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How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.
All they have to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5gbx/how_many_narcissists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I like my women to be like Jesus

Getting nailed in three places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5e5e/i_like_my_women_to_be_like_jesus/
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A communist and a capitalist both walk into a bar...

Both now have bumps on their foreheads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5dvm/a_communist_and_a_capitalist_both_walk_into_a_bar/
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A guy walks into a bar and hears incredible piano music

He looks over and notices that the pianist is only 12-inches tall, so he walks over to the bartender and asks him,
“Where did the owner find a 12-inch pianist?”
“He said that that man over there,” he points to a man in the corner of the bar, “that man can grant you like, one wish or something along those lines.”
“Thanks” responds the man, and he walks over to the man in the corner, “hey, you can grant me a wish, right?”
“Why of course. What do you request?”
“I would like a million bucks” says the man, and then, as he looks out the window, he sees a million DUCKS.”
He asks the bartender where the owner is, and when he finds the owner, he asks him, “ how come that man gave YOU exactly what you wished for?”
Realizing the man found out about the wishes, he openly responds with a question of his own, “Do you REALLY think that I asked for a 12-inch PIANIST?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5dh0/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_hears_incredible_piano/
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I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5d5i/i_think_my_wife_is_starting_to_get_depressed_with/
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What do you call a telephone pole shoved deep into a rectum?

A shit post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5d38/what_do_you_call_a_telephone_pole_shoved_deep/
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The bartender asks "why the non-linear sequence?"

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5bqa/the_bartender_asks_why_the_nonlinear_sequence/
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Speeding in the south

Years ago I was pulled over for speeding on the Atlanta connector. As he walked up to my window, I suppose the trooper didn't much like my Michigan license plates. "Son" he said, "no one goes tearing that fast through Atlanta"
I blinked. "Well.... Sherman did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5bc0/speeding_in_the_south/
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The Length Contest

There was this contest for longest lengths on the human body made by an eccentric billionaire who would pay 100 dollars per centimeter on any length measured on a person.
Tall Guy: Measure me from my head to toe!And it measured 186cm, he gets 18600 dollars
Second Guy thinks he is smarter: Measure me from tip of my toe to the tip of my finger!And it measured 220cm, he gets 22000 dollars
Older Guy: Measure from the tip of my penis to the downside of my balls!Everyone was laughing...He takes his pants down and everyone is silent...
One Guy asks: Where are your balls??
Older Guy: Saigon, Vietnam 1968

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu5a04/the_length_contest/
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Yo Momma Joke

This just came to me, I’m not sure if it’s been said before but:
“ Yo Momma so fat, that her farts echo on their way out. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu53t7/yo_momma_joke/
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A man is walking through a mall and notices a Mexican bookstore

.
He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican bookstore before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, “Do you have the book on Donald Trump’s foreign policies with Mexico?”
The clerk replies, “F*ck you, get out, stay out!” The man replies, “Yeah, that’s the one!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu538i/a_man_is_walking_through_a_mall_and_notices_a/
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The year is 2016. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are both travelling in the same plane. Plane comes crashing down. Who survives?

America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu4wdd/the_year_is_2016_hillary_clinton_and_donald_trump/
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that blew up?

Da Brie was everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu4ume/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_that_blew_up/
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It wasn't fun breaking my neck last year

But now I can look back and laugh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu4umd/it_wasnt_fun_breaking_my_neck_last_year/
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I had sex with a fat chick last night but I was really nervous...

There was a lot riding on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu4r94/i_had_sex_with_a_fat_chick_last_night_but_i_was/
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My dog is so clever, he can swallow a whole ball of string.

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu4lbv/my_dog_is_so_clever_he_can_swallow_a_whole_ball/
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The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.
In the years he spent alone on the ship, he became adept at building small robots to help him complete his tasks. He formed relationships with the little bots, but he found he missed the companionship of real humans. He would take small stints in the cryogenic chambers in order to prolong his life, so as to complete his mission of getting his friends and family to their new home. He didn't want to wake anyone to take over his duties and suffer the loneliness of space travel. But a long life with no one real to talk to is lacking.
With his knowledge of robotics, he took it upon himself to build an artificial human. Something that looked real. Something that felt real. Something that would make the unbearable loneliness go away.
He didn’t feel right copying the likeness of any members of the sleeping crew, so he modeled the robot on himself. By the time he was done, there “he” was, a perfect replica of Jacques himself. He named the robot Jacques 2.0, because who else was there to get confused? And as he grew older, it would be easier to remember his own name, he figured.
Well, years passed as they are wont to do. He grew old and frail on the journey, but Jacques 2.0 remained young and spry, helping his creator to complete the tasks the old man’s bones could no longer handle.
As the old man lay dying, he asked his robotic companion to do him a favor. He wanted his remains to be scattered among the stars, the asteroids, and the comets they passed. He did not want to be buried on a planet he would never see, but instead live on in the vastness of space that had become his home. So when the day finally came, Jacques 2.0 sent his creator’s ashes out of the airlock and into the universe.
But the journey was not over. Jacques 2.0 carried on his creator’s duties for years and helped the crew arrive on their new home. As the ship grew close to the planet, the crew began to wake up. One by one they woke from their long sleep and travelled to the observation deck to see their new home. When they arrived, though, they found themselves in complete shock. There was Jacques, as lively and youthful as ever, waiting for them.
“How can this be?” They asked. “Surely, you would at the very least be an old, old man by now. It has been so long since we left Earth.”
Jacques 2.0 raised his hands slightly in a calming gesture and said, “Do not worry. I am here to send you a message of love and care from Jacques. I was created to help him complete his mission. I may look like him, but in truth, I am not him. For you see,” and with this he gestured towards the stars and space above their heads, “the real Jacques is in the comets.”
p.s. So long and thanks for all the (gilded) fish!
p.p.s. wont* (knew I should have looked it up before I wrote it. Ya ever have one of those words you’ve said out loud, but realize you’ve never actually written down before? Thanks ferns)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu4gsh/the_caretaker_of_a_generation_ship_was_on_his/
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Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu4fn1/why_dont_you_ever_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
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A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 steaks hanging from strings behind the bar....

So the guy ask the bartender “What’s up with those pieces of meat hanging up behind the bar?” The bartender replies “ Well if you can jump off the bar and bite into one of them your drinks are free all night!  But if you miss you must buy the whole bar a round of drinks.”  The guy thinks about it for a second and says “I can’t do it, the stakes are just too high”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu4e0t/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_3_steaks_hanging/
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My friend says he saw a new color.

I told him it was just a pigment of his imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu4drc/my_friend_says_he_saw_a_new_color/
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Desperate, I called the tinnitus helpline

It just kept ringing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu4bj9/desperate_i_called_the_tinnitus_helpline/
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What kind of shoes do spies wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu4233/what_kind_of_shoes_do_spies_wear/
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A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.
Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained significant damage, I'm going to have to refer you to my sister"
"Your sister? Is she a plastic surgeon?"
"No, she teaches the flute. She'll show you how hold it so you don't get piss everywhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu3xmk/a_man_goes_duck_hunting_at_a_local_pond_he_feels/
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Yo Mamma so stupid...

she played Russian Roulette with a semi-automatic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu3xbj/yo_mamma_so_stupid/
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A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000.

He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says,
"You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari!" The old man looks up and replies, "OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu3wir/a_hip_young_man_goes_out_and_buys_a_2001_ferrari/
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A guy sees a lonely penguin wandering in the streets downtown

He takes him immediately to the nearest police station to ask for advice.
"Officer, I found this penguin, what should I do?"
Officer is concerned and says:
"What is he doing there?? Take him to the Zoo immediately!"
Man says ok and leaves the police station.
A couple hours later, police officer is looking through the window sees the man and the penguin, holding hands and walking down the street. He gets furious and rushes to them.
"Didn't I tell you to take him to the Zoo? What are you still doing here?"
Man gets confused and also angry, responds
"Why are you shouting officer? I did get him to the Zoo as you told me. And now we are going to the movies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu3t9q/a_guy_sees_a_lonely_penguin_wandering_in_the/
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What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?

Fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu3spx/what_does_a_grape_say_when_it_gets_stepped_on/
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What do you say to Simba when he’s moving too slowly?

Mufasa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu3l2w/what_do_you_say_to_simba_when_hes_moving_too/
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Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why does he always paint my parents fighting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu3io9/who_is_this_rorschach_guy/
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Oxygen and potassium went for a date and it was OK

After,  Oxygen was found cheating on potassium by dating magnesium.  That was an OMg moment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu3g9t/oxygen_and_potassium_went_for_a_date_and_it_was_ok/
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What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a Goodyear, the other is a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu2vxy/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.
She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"
Blonde: "I am so sore and tired. My muscles ache all over!"
Doctor: "From not eating?"
Blonde: "No from skipping"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu2tyn/a_very_heavy_blond_went_to_the_clinic_to_lose/
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Some people say it's sick & perverted to be a flasher...

...but I think it shows a lot of balls!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu2k52/some_people_say_its_sick_perverted_to_be_a_flasher/
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A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Me: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Me: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Me: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain.  I was then quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached me to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Me: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Me: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Me: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Me: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Me: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu2huq/a_rookie_police_officer_pulled_me_over_for/
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People should not take drugs.

Instead they should buy their own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu2glm/people_should_not_take_drugs/
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A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases the guillotine blade, and the blade stops just inches from the Priests neck. The Priest immediately begins praising his God, the crowd gasps in shock and demands that the man be released by The Executioner,--as God has clearly saved him from death. He agrees, and releases him as a free man.
The Executioner next brings up the Politician. He asks him same question, and having witnessed the Priests miraculous experience, he asks to be laid facing up for his execution as well, hoping that God will spare him for looking to heaven while facing his death as the Priest had done. The Executioner obliges, then releases the blade. But again, it suddenly stops just inches from the mans neck--sparing his life as it had with the Priest.
Finally, the Engineer is brought up to face his execution. He requests to lie facing up as the previous two men had done. Again, the Executioner obliges and lays him on his back before going to release the blade. As the Executioner is about to release it, the Engineer says to the Executioner "Hold on, I see your problem right there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu2g7r/a_priest_a_politician_and_an_engineer_are_set_to/
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My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu2e10/my_daughter_wants_the_new_iphone_for_her_birthday/
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When I was a kid I thought I was the Messiah.

Every time my dad said anything to me it always started with "JESUS CHRIST!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu2dib/when_i_was_a_kid_i_thought_i_was_the_messiah/
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I heard a great joke about Jonestown

But the punch line was too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu2ddt/i_heard_a_great_joke_about_jonestown/
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I heard China's president, Xi Jinping, is having a little red book made of his quotes like Mao Zedong had.

I hope it will be called "That's What Xi Said"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu2awn/i_heard_chinas_president_xi_jinping_is_having_a/
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Why are 17-year-olds like a new car?

0% interest for 12 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu29m1/why_are_17yearolds_like_a_new_car/
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Free, no charges

Hi everyone!
A dear friend of mine has bought tickets to the UEFA Champions League final in Madrid on Saturday.
The problem is that he completely forgot that next Saturday is his wedding day, coz he bought the tickets few months before agreeing to the wedding.
Now he wants to know if anyone is interested in getting married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu236f/free_no_charges/
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Why did the congressmen screw over the spider?

Because she was a black widow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu228r/why_did_the_congressmen_screw_over_the_spider/
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Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?

Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu21ll/why_couldnt_the_alpha_helix_say_the_alphabet/
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I was buying some condoms and the cashier said "would you like a bag with that"

I said "nice try, but this wasn't funny the first 100 times I read this repost, and it isn't funny now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu20p2/i_was_buying_some_condoms_and_the_cashier_said/
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I always used to wonder why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger

And then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu205u/i_always_used_to_wonder_why_the_frisbee_kept/
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How are dad jokes like sex?

You know your doing a good job when you hear them moan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu1xkh/how_are_dad_jokes_like_sex/
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I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm.

If you can’t come, let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu1vqq/im_planning_a_charity_event_for_people_who/
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Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu1ve5/someone_once_told_me_that_taking_money_out_of/
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At a restaurant called Apathy, they only give you a spoon to eat your food with...

...when I told the owner it was hard to eat my spaghetti he said, "Well... I don't give a fork."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu1tzg/at_a_restaurant_called_apathy_they_only_give_you/
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I like my women how I like my farms

Full of hormones, and plenty of cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu1qm9/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_farms/
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A guy walks up to a fruit stand

He orders 2lbs of apples.
The owner puts some apples in a bag, bites down on the handles, and bobs his head a couple times and says “2 pounds here you go”
Guy: “No way! Are you sure? How do you know?!”
Owner: puts the bag on the scale, it’s 2lbs on the nose. “It’s a talent that my family has practiced, my son can do it too”
Guy: “Okay, 1.5 pounds of strawberries”
Owners son: puts strawberries in a bag, bobs a couple times, takes a few out and sets it on the scale, perfect! 1.5lbs. “Here you go!”
Guy: “Wow! Your whole family can do this?”
Owner: “Yeah! Son, run home and get your mom real quick.”
Son: Runs off and comes back a few minutes later.
Owner: “Where’s your mom?!”
Son: “She’s weighing the post man!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu1paq/a_guy_walks_up_to_a_fruit_stand/
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My first dad joke.

Nurse: so, this cream is like chapstick for your nipples.
Me: ohhh so nip balm?
Girlfriend: please ignore him.
Dad jokes are coming in strong guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu1mp4/my_first_dad_joke/
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Three people is a threesome, two people is a twosome...

Now I know why your mother calls you handsome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu1iqu/three_people_is_a_threesome_two_people_is_a/
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A man is walking around Havard University.

He asks a student: "Can you tell me where the library is at?" The student replies: "Sorry, but here at Harvard, we don't finish our sentences with prepositions." The man the says: "Okay can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu1alf/a_man_is_walking_around_havard_university/
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Someone’s getting fired

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off". "Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu0xxw/someones_getting_fired/
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Hitler is on a limousine on his way to the Reichstag

His chauffeur is driving his volkswagen across a rural street.
At the first farm they come across, they drive over a chicken.
Hitler goes to apologize to the farmer people and comes back with a black eye.
They drive on and Hitler is pretty unhappy about this.
The next farm they come across they drive over a duck. Hitler goes again to apologize and comes back with a black eye and a broken nose.
They drive on and come across the largest farm yet... and kill a pig.
Hitler goes "No, I won't go there anymore! I had enough! You go chauffeur!"
Chauffeur goes to the farm house and comes a few seconds later back with a basket full of gifts and a large flower bouqet.
Hitler asks his Chauffeur: "What did you do?"
Chauffeur: "I went to the house, said Heil Hitler, the Pig is dead and was showered with gifts and kissed by the farmer's daughter on the cheek while the others roared in celebration."
(I hope this is not too offensive, it is actually criticsm on this kind of shit :))

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu0wrg/hitler_is_on_a_limousine_on_his_way_to_the/
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What's the difference between EMP and BMW?

EMP can turn a signal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu0wh3/whats_the_difference_between_emp_and_bmw/
%
Which composer do bears prefer?

Gustav Mahler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu0wbc/which_composer_do_bears_prefer/
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What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu0rkt/whats_long_and_hard_that_a_polish_bride_gets_on/
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever slept with

She said, "Yes. All the others were nines and tens"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu0q1r/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_shed_ever/
%
Why do my parents get mad at me when I'm being lazy in my room all day?

I mean come on, I didn't even do anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu0olr/why_do_my_parents_get_mad_at_me_when_im_being/
%
Two strings walk into a bar...

The bartender looks at them and says, "Hey! We don't serve your kind here! get out!"
Both strings then walk out of the bar kinda disappointed.
Until one of the strings gets an idea. He ties his head into a knot and messes with the top of his head.
He walks back into the bar, and the bartenders then proceeds to say.
"Hey! Aren't you one of those strings I just kicked out!?"
The string looks at him and say, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu0n6l/two_strings_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu0mqw/i_saw_a_guy_today_with_soot_all_over_his_face/
%
My grandma was talking to my mom about her new hearing aid...

“It’s one of the most expensive ones you can get, it was $3,500”
Mom: What kind is it?
Grandma: It’s 12:30 pm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu0miv/my_grandma_was_talking_to_my_mom_about_her_new/
%
Can someone explain what wooosh is?

It just keeps going over my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu0d9u/can_someone_explain_what_wooosh_is/
%
I took my grandma to a fish spa centre where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu0cxy/i_took_my_grandma_to_a_fish_spa_centre_where_the/
%
How does Snoop Dogg wash his car?

With his hoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu0co6/how_does_snoop_dogg_wash_his_car/
%
I saw all the waiting staff carrying spoons around.

So I asked my waiter,
"excuse me sir, why are all the staff members walking around with a spoon in their pocket"
To which he replied
"Well sir, our new manager is a very time efficient woman and she has found out over years of data analysis that the spoon is the most common eating utensil that customers drop, so we carry a spoon to avoid wasting time going to fetching a new one"
While the waiter was standing next to me I noticed a string hanging from his zipper, and upon further inspection I noticed all the waiting staff and a piece of string attached to their zipper. So once again, I pull my waiter over and ask
"Excuse me sir, why do all the staff members have a piece of string attached to their zipper"
To which he replied
"We sir, as you now know, our manager is a very time efficient woman and she has found out that in a single night, a waiter will waste 15minutes cleaning their hands after using the washroom. So we use the string to avoid using our hands."
Im once again impressed by the efficiency the manager has brought into the restaurant. But then I ask the waiter
"Well, thats very impressive sir but... how do you put it back in and zip up?"
To which he replies
"I don't know what all the other waiters do, but I use the spoon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu09bg/i_saw_all_the_waiting_staff_carrying_spoons_around/
%
What does a mechanic do when he has sex and leaves right after?

He nuts and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu08ob/what_does_a_mechanic_do_when_he_has_sex_and/
%
I never understood school shooter jokes.

I guess they were aimed at a younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu055u/i_never_understood_school_shooter_jokes/
%
Donald Trump was asked what the ‘J’ in Donald J Trump stood for.

He said ‘Genius’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bu0128/donald_trump_was_asked_what_the_j_in_donald_j/
%
A gay man and a lesbian woman get into a car crash. Both die at the scene. Who makes it to heaven first?

The gay man.
He already had his shit packed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzype/a_gay_man_and_a_lesbian_woman_get_into_a_car/
%
Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzymq/build_a_man_a_fire_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
%
So i went to the doctor the other day for a blood donation,

But they kept asking so many questions, like:
"Who's blood is this?"
and "Where did you get it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzxdt/so_i_went_to_the_doctor_the_other_day_for_a_blood/
%
A man walks into a therapist for his first session

Man: “I am extremely scared of the Backstreet Boys, I think they are after me”
Therapist: “Tell me why?”
Man: “oh my god”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzw72/a_man_walks_into_a_therapist_for_his_first_session/
%
Theresa May is going to resign as the prime minister in the first week of June

Which means that the first week of June is the last week of May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzuvi/theresa_may_is_going_to_resign_as_the_prime/
%
I just saw a midget smoking a cigarette...

Had to fight the urge to tell him smoking stunts your growth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzuc2/i_just_saw_a_midget_smoking_a_cigarette/
%
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.
They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.  I just want to go home." POOF!  The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.  I wish I could go home too." POOF!  The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzs5h/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stuck_on_an/
%
What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

Silicon Valley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzrho/what_do_you_call_the_cleavage_between_breast/
%
An Irish peasant

named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.
One day, as if suddenly, the potatoes stopped growing. Nothing could get them to grow. Not their homemade soil recipe, nor their special mixture of water and nutrients they sprayed on the soil his family had perfected over many centuries. It got so bad that Kory had to start stealing food just to survive. He started with just stealing a few items from his neighbors, but the thrill of thieving got him hooked. He soon became one of the most renowned thieves in all of Ireland, and had replenished much of his own food storages. He lived on the run for the next few years until the local constable arrested him. The county judge sentenced him to 20 years in prison for his crimes.
Now at first, prison was horrible for him; he longer had his freedom. He couldn't do what he wanted, when he wanted. However, he soon got used to the monotony of the prison system, and after just a few short months, he actually began to enjoy his time there. He worked out every day and had three meals a day that he no longer had to scrounge and steal for.
Now, the prison he had been sent to was prototyping a new way to generate power to control the prisoner cell blocks; instead of relying on candles and oil lamps for lighting, and mechanical levers for the doors, they had installed a new electrical rig that, when powered by the prisoners, would generate electricity. To convince prisoners to join the new project, the warden decided to incentivize participants with one extra potato per week. Kory eagerly signed up, knowing how delicious those precious potatoes might be.
Fortunately for him, the warden picked him as one of the new recruits for his project. On the first day the new system was opened, he saw with his own eyes the magnanimity of the project. It was a massive wheel, laid on its side, that had poles sticking out of the sides for people to push. The wheel would turn various gears, which through the passing of other magnetic pieces, would produce electricity, a first of its kind in Ireland.
He ran straight for the wheel, knowing that the harder he worked, the sooner he'd get his potatoes. The first week, he worked so hard he instantly became a sensation among this experimental crew. Sometimes, they would split the force into teams and see who could generate the most power. These competitions became a spectacle in and of themselves; Kory would almost always win. After one of the more exciting competitions, one of the other prisoners challenged him to turn the wheel by himself. He got up to the wheel, and began to push with all his might. The wheel didn't budge. He kept pushing, but the wheel still didn't budge. With one final push with all his might, he got the wheel to begin turning.
And that is how the might o' Kory Andrea is the power house of the cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzmhr/an_irish_peasant/
%
I got my first prostate exam done today.

I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.  “Right next to mine,” wasn’t the answer I was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzlsf/i_got_my_first_prostate_exam_done_today/
%
what is the difference between American and European joke candidates

American joke candidates actually get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzl0e/what_is_the_difference_between_american_and/
%
Husband to wife: “I’m not sure why, but every time I look at myself naked in the mirror I get a massive erection”

Wife to husband: “It’s because you’re a cunt”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzjcc/husband_to_wife_im_not_sure_why_but_every_time_i/
%
A man is in a store buying condoms,

**Cashier:** That will be $3.99 please sir, would you like a bag?
**Man:** No thanks shes actually quite pretty,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzj30/a_man_is_in_a_store_buying_condoms/
%
It's a boy, I yelled! It's a BOY!!!!

At that very moment, I realised I will never visit a strip club in Thailand again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btziqw/its_a_boy_i_yelled_its_a_boy/
%
What do you call a communist sniper

A Marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzhza/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
If you cut down a confused tree,

Then is it stumped?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzfzd/if_you_cut_down_a_confused_tree/
%
I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq.

Anyway I asked him where he was off to.
"To change a light bulb" he replies.
"Won't that be difficult?" I ask.
"Nah" he says, "I've still got the receipt".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzey4/i_ran_into_a_buddy_in_town_earlier_today_he_only/
%
What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzew7/what_would_george_washington_do_if_he_were_alive/
%
How do you distinguish ladies from laddies?

Check the number of D's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btzbfi/how_do_you_distinguish_ladies_from_laddies/
%
Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btz3o6/communism_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
I saw a man playing with a grenade...

And warned him, "Be careful! It could explode!".
He replied, "Oh don't worry, I've got more of them."
(Told by my dad's friend and just wanted to share)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btywp8/i_saw_a_man_playing_with_a_grenade/
%
A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.
Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up
Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it
[*guy drinks medicine*]
Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!
Quack: your sense of taste is now working. That will be $100
The guy, mad, paid and left, but returned two days after.
Guy: hey doc, i keep on forgetting things
Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it
Guy: fuck you, that's gasoline!
Quack: your mental faculties have been restored. That will be $100
Duped a second time, the fuy angrily paid and left, but returned two days after.
Guy: hey doc, i cant see well.
Quack: [*thinks for some time*] Sorry i dont have a cure for that. A deal is a deal; here's the money as promised. [*gets money from drawer and gives it to the guy*]
Guy: wait a minute, this is 50 bucks
Quack: good! Your sight has become well. Give that back and pay me $100

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btyqo7/a_quack_posted_a_sign_on_his_place_which_said_can/
%
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.

The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btypp1/my_wifes_jealousy_is_getting_ridiculous/
%
What’s heavier, 100 pounds of feathers or 100 pounds of bricks?

Feathers because the weight of what you did to those birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btyo0o/whats_heavier_100_pounds_of_feathers_or_100/
%
Hey bro, you know how I know you're gay?

Because your dick taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btynj8/hey_bro_you_know_how_i_know_youre_gay/
%
Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg

Hubby: How are you doing??
Wife: Fine.  Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!
Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.
Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..
Sisters: Prove it!
Hubby (Shouting): Hey Honey.., both of them ??
Wife:  (Shouting back): Of course! What's the point of fucking one???...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btyisc/husband_arrives_home_from_work_to_his_wife_with_a/
%
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btyie7/a_slice_of_apple_pie_is_250_in_jamaica_and_300_in/
%
I met Michael Jackson once when I was 9 years old

It was a touching experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btyial/i_met_michael_jackson_once_when_i_was_9_years_old/
%
The Prince of Denmark wanted to know the proportion of women in his country who were prostitutes.

So he called his friend Horatio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btyi9h/the_prince_of_denmark_wanted_to_know_the/
%
A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btyfz9/a_man_is_walking_on_the_beach_when_he_discovers_a/
%
My father always told me that I could get married once I left school.

I didn't get the reasoning, but I scheduled my wedding for 3pm just to be sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bty9vl/my_father_always_told_me_that_i_could_get_married/
%
I was having sex with my English teacher and she asked where I learned how to ram it like that

I told her that I picked it up from different people
She told me: “cite your sources “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bty5fs/i_was_having_sex_with_my_english_teacher_and_she/
%
Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bty3r0/why_do_the_french_eat_snails/
%
I crashed into an Arab guy's halal cart in NYC the other day. It was absolutely destroyed. He said that it was alright, and that mistakes happen, but man,

I falafel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bty1tc/i_crashed_into_an_arab_guys_halal_cart_in_nyc_the/
%
I love jokes about dad leaving for milk or something and not coming back

I'd tell them to my son but he probably wouldn't recognize me after all these years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bty1h1/i_love_jokes_about_dad_leaving_for_milk_or/
%
What do you call a dull pirate sword?

A cut-less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bty07y/what_do_you_call_a_dull_pirate_sword/
%
I felt like a man in a woman's body

Until I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btxze9/i_felt_like_a_man_in_a_womans_body/
%
My girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex.....

she says it makes her armpits sore for days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btxxpr/my_girlfriend_hates_it_when_i_pull_her_hair/
%
I shared my opinion on this site.

I regreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btxwsi/i_shared_my_opinion_on_this_site/
%
"The average woman will receive verbal abuse six times a day," said my wife.

I said, "Honey, you're not the average woman. You're a million times what the average woman is."
"Aww, thanks babe," she replied.
I said, "It wasn't a compliment. Lose some fucking weight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btxtya/the_average_woman_will_receive_verbal_abuse_six/
%
So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.

Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus.
A lady answers him.
“Hello,” she says.
“Hi, is this the circus?”
“Yes.”
“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”
“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”
“Alex.”
“Alright then, Alex, what makes you think you can join the circus?”
“Well, I have several talents... for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.”
“O... Okay... That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call the NB...”
“No, no, wait! I... I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!”
“Sir, I really don’t think you understand what the concept of a cir...”
“No, please, I... I... I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards!”
“...”
“...”
“Goodbye, sir.”
She hangs up the phone.
Alex sits there for like five seconds until he realizes he forgot something.
“Oh crap! I forgot to tell her I’m a horse!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btxqxq/so_alex_sees_an_ad_in_the_newspaper_that_says/
%
I call my pregnant wife Brexit.

Despite my best attempts there wasn't any pulling out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btxo27/i_call_my_pregnant_wife_brexit/
%
My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now.

I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.
She said, “Abracadabra!” and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btxkaj/my_wife_has_worked_as_a_magicians_assistant_for/
%
I used to be Christian

Now I’m Christine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btxjy0/i_used_to_be_christian/
%
How do you spread the Furry disease?

By using pathOwOgens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btxjmo/how_do_you_spread_the_furry_disease/
%
So sad that EA won't have a conference at E3 this year.

Now who am I going to laugh at?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btxig5/so_sad_that_ea_wont_have_a_conference_at_e3_this/
%
What does a redditor and a terrorist bomber teacher have to say in common?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btx8oo/what_does_a_redditor_and_a_terrorist_bomber/
%
What do you call an online lawyer

E-legal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btx66g/what_do_you_call_an_online_lawyer/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and calls the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she says. "I am."
"Well, wash your fucking hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btx1wo/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign_that_reads/
%
A teacher gives 7 grade students a task

to learn about a topic from a given list (which goes: food, water, cows, horses, airplanes etc) and then present it in class the next week with props and costumes. One of those students, George, felt that this was a stupid thing to do and didn’t prepare that day. The following day, his parents got a call that his grandpa was on his death bed. George and his parents go to meet him.
George had never been much close to his grandpa. But with his dying breath, grandpa told George “its the little things that matter in life. Live your life to the fullest.” Later in the week, both his parents were hospitalised due to an road accident. He tried his best not to cry and reminded himself to be brave. On the day before the presentation of his topic, he remembered his grandpas last words.....
He decided that a little presentation wouldn’t hurt. So he learned a few lines.
“A horse is an animal. It has 4 legs, one mouth, 2 ears. Its food mainly consists grass........”
Then he went to the nearest prop store and bought a costume and a horse mask.
The following day, he woke up, reflecting on how much had happened this past week. He mourned for his loss and longed to see his parents again.
George goes to school and no one seemed to know anything about what happened to him..
When it was finally his turn, he put on his horse mask and went to the stage.
He felt overwhelmed.
The teacher was the only one who noticed this and went over to him and comforted him. The she asked George “why the long face?”....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btwyl4/a_teacher_gives_7_grade_students_a_task/
%
How many laptops does HP make?

A pavilion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btwxk2/how_many_laptops_does_hp_make/
%
Where does a bear do its shopping?

The maul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btwwub/where_does_a_bear_do_its_shopping/
%
I had a dog called dad.

He never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btwvrn/i_had_a_dog_called_dad/
%
I hate STAIRS, and you should too. You can tell just by looking at them,

They’re inclined to ruin your day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btwsfk/i_hate_stairs_and_you_should_too_you_can_tell/
%
Phone rings. Poet friend. He asks, "Do you ever get shooting pains like someone's got a voodoo doll of you they're stabbing with a long needle agan and again?"

"No,"  I reply.
Long pause.
Sounding concerned, he says, "How about now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btwgva/phone_rings_poet_friend_he_asks_do_you_ever_get/
%
What comes after 69?

Mouthwash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btwbqx/what_comes_after_69/
%
There was a king.

Who has a princess.
King wanted to marry off princess with suitable someone.
He declared anyone who wants to marry his daughter shall pass three test.
1. He will have to drink 2 full barrel of wine.
2. and then fight and kill a hungry lion.
3. make her princess happy in bed.
So there was a poor drunkard who who thought why not give a try, a least he will get to drink.
So on the first test he drank whole 2 barrel of wine. Then guards put him in a cage with lion.
Then guards hear both lion and drunkards extreme screaming, grunting, fighting and after a while both goes silent.
Guards thought drunkard died fighting lion. They open the cage and find drunkard there standing heroicly with a happy embarrassed smile on this face and
ask the guards
"So where is that hungry princess i have to fight? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btw52u/there_was_a_king/
%
When I’m sad I think to myself,

Who signed my permission form for the feels trip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btw4yd/when_im_sad_i_think_to_myself/
%
Ah Paddy

Nick, an Englishman, Jock a Scotsman and Wee Paddy had emigrated to Australia some years ago.
One day they were sitting outside at a pub on the Sydney harbour enjoying a drink in the sunshine.
Nick says, you know this is a lovely country, but I really miss my pub, the Dog and Bone in London.
After buying three pints they give you one on the house
Jock says, yeh I hear you, I really miss my pub, McTavish's in Glasgow. After buying 2 double scotch's,
they give you one on the house.
Wee Paddy pipes up and says well your pubs have got nothing on my pub, O'Dougals in Dublin.
You go in and all the drinks are on the house and at closing time they take you upstairs and you get laid.
Nick and Jock are amazed and said, Paddy have you actually experienced this yourself?
Wee Paddy thinks for a minute and says well no, not myself, but my sister has.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btw38i/ah_paddy/
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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the \*last\* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says "You have \*got\* to be kidding me!"
And Carl says "I shit. You knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btw2h7/carl_is_in_the_10th_year_of_a_life_sentence_when/
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I threw a boomerang once.

Now I live in constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btw27m/i_threw_a_boomerang_once/
%
A Man Notices His Tires Look a Little Flat

He takes his car to a local gas station with an air pump for the tires. He looks at the price for five minutes of air, and it says "$1.50". He then realizes he left his wallet at home. When he comes back with his wallet, the sign for the air pump says "$20" for five minutes. Baffled, he goes inside the store and speaks with the manager.
"Why did the price for the air pump go up so high? When I was here just a few minutes ago the price was only $1.50." the man said.
"We just recently had a price increase, you have to pay $20" the manager said.
"Why would I pay such a larger amount for the same service that was recently so much cheaper?" The man said.
"Because that's the rules" the manager said.
"Of what?!" The man said
"Inflation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btw1pv/a_man_notices_his_tires_look_a_little_flat/
%
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar...

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btw05e/helvetica_and_times_new_roman_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why isn’t dark spelled with a C instead of a K?

Because you can’t see in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btvzhy/why_isnt_dark_spelled_with_a_c_instead_of_a_k/
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Son: Mom....Dad.....I'm gay

Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: ....Clenches fists
Mom: ....Don't !
Dad: .....Sweats profusely
Mom: .....DON'T !!
Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btvzar/son_momdadim_gay/
%
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btvz5h/i_wanted_to_marry_my_english_teacher_when_she_got/
%
"You the bomb." "No, you the bomb."

A compliment in the U.S.
An argument in the Middle East

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btvygs/you_the_bomb_no_you_the_bomb/
%
Knock knock

Who's there
I love
I love who
.. This damn autocorrect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btvwzd/knock_knock/
%
What do you call the place where concrete is buried?

A cementary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btvuqi/what_do_you_call_the_place_where_concrete_is/
%
What did the drummer name his 2 daughters?

Anna 1 anna 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btvtow/what_did_the_drummer_name_his_2_daughters/
%
So my grandpa was out in the porch having a smoke [long]

Me: can I have one of those?
Gramps: I don’t know, can your dick touch your asshole?
Me: uh, no
Gramps: well then you’re not a man, the answer is no
(Later that day while Gramps is having a beer)
Me: hey can I have one of those?
Gramps: I don’t know, can your dick touch your asshole?
Me: uh, no
Gramps: well then you’re not a man, the answer is no.
(Later that day while I’m eating a cookie)
Gramps: hey can I have one of those?
Me: I don’t know, can your dick touch your asshole?
Gramps: Hell yes it can! I’m a man!
Me: great then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these for me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btvold/so_my_grandpa_was_out_in_the_porch_having_a_smoke/
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Doctor 1: I’m afraid you have pneumonia.

Patient: What’s pneumonia?
Dad Doctor, bursting into the room: Not much, monia, what’s pneu with you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btvj0a/doctor_1_im_afraid_you_have_pneumonia/
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What do you call it when an old snake can’t get a boner?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btvh8d/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_old_snake_cant_get_a/
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Did you hear the joke about the construction worker?

It was very riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btve33/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_construction/
%
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 100 dollars I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender doesn’t think he can bite his own eye so he bets him 100 dollars. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender ends up giving him 100 dollars. The man comes back a few minutes later and says “I’ll let you get your money back. I’ll bet you 300 dollars I can’t bite my right eye” so the bartender bets him because there’s no way the man can have 2 glass eyes, right? So the man takes out his jaw and bites his right eye. Now the bartender is mad because he just lost 400 dollars. The man comes back once again and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 500 dollars that I can stand up on the bar and pee in that cup all the way across the room without missing a drop” the bartender knows for sure he can’t make it so he shakes on it. The man stands up on the bar and pees all over the bartender! The bartender jumps up and down in joy. He then looks across the room and sees a man crying. “Why is he crying” he asks. “Well I bet him 1,000 dollars that I couldn’t stand up on the bar and piss all over the bartender and he’ll be happy about it”
(Sorry this was worded bad, I forgot some details and I suck at telling jokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btvdbj/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_to_the_bartender/
%
I tried tying a noose once...

... I never got the hang of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btvc0x/i_tried_tying_a_noose_once/
%
A blonde goes to the library to get a book.

A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."
The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btvafh/a_blonde_goes_to_the_library_to_get_a_book/
%
I once made a man blush

But apparently "guys don't wear makeup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btv7e1/i_once_made_a_man_blush/
%
Why is it impossible to schedule an event at the library?

Because it’s always completely booked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btv5wi/why_is_it_impossible_to_schedule_an_event_at_the/
%
A lifeguard once yelled at me for peeing in a public pool.

He startled me so badly I nearly fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btv47n/a_lifeguard_once_yelled_at_me_for_peeing_in_a/
%
I did a head shave for charity the other day.

Oh jeez was my wife mad when she woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btuz88/i_did_a_head_shave_for_charity_the_other_day/
%
A couple returns from their honeymoon barely on speaking terms.

The groom’s friend asks what’s wrong and the groom explained, “After sex the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and left a 50 on the pillow without thinking.”
The friend says, “Don’t worry. I’m sure she’ll get over it. She can’t think you’ve been saving yourself all this time.”
The groom replies, “Maybe, but I don’t know if I’ll get over it- she gave me 20 back in change!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btuyz0/a_couple_returns_from_their_honeymoon_barely_on/
%
My homosexual friend just took a crap and threw it at me...

But he missed me with that gay sh*t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btuyvi/my_homosexual_friend_just_took_a_crap_and_threw/
%
I was about to sue my neurosurgeon , but...

He changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btuyk6/i_was_about_to_sue_my_neurosurgeon_but/
%
I love the smell of moth balls.

But it's so difficult to hold their little legs apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btuxbv/i_love_the_smell_of_moth_balls/
%
Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"
"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btuqb4/sherlock_and_watson_are_browsing_the_market_when/
%
Dad: "Happy 18th son! All these presents are just for you!"

After ripping them open excitedly, he said "Dad, all these boxes are empty..."
"I know. Use them to pack your things and get the fuck out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btul2q/dad_happy_18th_son_all_these_presents_are_just/
%
I’m a mother of 5 healthy children and they are all unvaccinated!



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btuipm/im_a_mother_of_5_healthy_children_and_they_are/
%
A lost dog strays into a jungle

. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btuhj3/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle/
%
I was out for a drive when the car suddenly started shuddering and the front wheel fell off.

I stopped and got out trying to figure out what the heck happened.
As I cross the front of the car I can see the tire is in the ditch by a fence that says, St Clements institute for the insane. I can plainly see that the lug nuts have all come off allowing the tire to falloff the car.
I quickly get the jack out of the trunk and lift the car after retrieving the tire from the embankment.
Stumped now as what the hell I was going to do I stood there staring at the situation.
One of the inmates from the institute is just on the other side of the fence watching me making me nervous. Can I help you? I yell at him in my frustration.
He smiles and say's, I got a solution to yer problem if ya want to hear it. Just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to put the tire on.
Wow man thanks...that's a great idea,I tell him, you really saved my ass. What the hell are you doing in a place like this?
He looks me square in the eye and say's, I'm crazy...I'm not stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btub4b/i_was_out_for_a_drive_when_the_car_suddenly/
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NSFW

I forgot my hard hat at home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btu8ew/nsfw/
%
I was going to tell you a joke about a couple of chicken's...

But I can't because it's.......... Two fowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btu3cp/i_was_going_to_tell_you_a_joke_about_a_couple_of/
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What’s the difference between a vitamin & a hormone?

You can’t make a vita-min

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btu1ug/whats_the_difference_between_a_vitamin_a_hormone/
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What is the difference between reality and fantasy?

In fantasy, if you're exposed to radiation, you become spider-man. In reality if your exposed to radiation, you get visited by spider-man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bttxuk/what_is_the_difference_between_reality_and_fantasy/
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What's the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman?

A 4 year old's favorite toy is a rubber body without any genitals. A 40 year old's favorite toy is a rubber genital without any body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bttw7g/whats_the_difference_between_a_4_year_girl_and_a/
%
A physicist walks into 2 bars.

He felt under pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bttrv3/a_physicist_walks_into_2_bars/
%
Have you heard the news about the broken spaceship?

No I wouldn't expect you to, it really didn't take off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bttrbz/have_you_heard_the_news_about_the_broken_spaceship/
%
Stairs! Bet you can’t fall down just one.

Because then it wouldn’t be plural.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bttr8q/stairs_bet_you_cant_fall_down_just_one/
%
What do you have when you’re holding two green balls?

Kermit’s undivided attention

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bttorr/what_do_you_have_when_youre_holding_two_green/
%
A lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool.

He startled me so badly I nearly fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bttnpk/a_lifeguard_yelled_at_me_for_peeing_in_the_pool/
%
Are you colorblind?

Because you might've lost your sense of huemor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bttkz6/are_you_colorblind/
%
A wife is calling on her husband to see where he is

Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife : Turn on the mixer.
Husband : (turns mixer on) GaRrrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day......
Suspicious Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love. Wife: Are you sure?
Husband : Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: (turns mixer on) gaRrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.
The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asks him, "Son, where is your father?"
Son: "I don't know, he went out with the mixer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bttjod/a_wife_is_calling_on_her_husband_to_see_where_he/
%
One day the king was hosting a competition

He gave every contestant a piece of lined paper, specifically with ten lines. “Write whatever you want on the paper, if you make me laugh, you win a full chest of gold. However if I don’t laugh, you will be sentenced to death” He said.
The first person came and wrote a funny story, using up all ten lines and read it to the king. The king didn’t laugh and he was sentenced to death.
The second guy came and wrote two jokes, using five lines each and read it to the king. Once again, the king didn’t laugh and he was sentenced to death.
The third guy came and wrote ten one line jokes on the paper and read it to the king, hoping to make him laugh. No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bttcym/one_day_the_king_was_hosting_a_competition/
%
What do lawyers name there first daughter?

Sue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bttad1/what_do_lawyers_name_there_first_daughter/
%
Guy 1: hey did you here the joke about sodium hydrobromine?

NaH BrO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btt7xm/guy_1_hey_did_you_here_the_joke_about_sodium/
%
Why does it take pirates a long time to learn the alphabet?

because they can spend years at C!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btt2vz/why_does_it_take_pirates_a_long_time_to_learn_the/
%
I have a chicken proof lawn

It’s im-peck-able

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btt2py/i_have_a_chicken_proof_lawn/
%
A bear walks into a restaurant...

A bear walks into a restaurant and says 'I want a grilled.......... cheese.
The waiter says 'What's with the pause?'
The bear replies 'Whaddya mean, IM A BEAR.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btt1m3/a_bear_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
A psychotic mechanic had sex with a nurse then escaped his mental hospital...

Next day's headline: Nut screws and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btssbv/a_psychotic_mechanic_had_sex_with_a_nurse_then/
%
Me : *washing car with son*

Son : "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btsrzi/me_washing_car_with_son/
%
Two people walk into a bar,

You’d think the second guy would’ve seen it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btsqis/two_people_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Son: Mom, Dad, I'm gay.

Mom: *looks at dad*
Dad: *clenches fist, sweats*
Mom: No, don't-
Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btsf4o/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
%
Too Drunk to Remember....

A man had a horrible day , he was upset and stressed and thought you know what, I am gonna drink my ass off tonight, I don't even care.
The bar was across the street from his house so he didn't have to worry about transportation or anything and so he went to get drunk and forget his problems.
And so, he began drinking, and drinking, and drinking and drinking....
Last call came, and the bar was closing. So he was like alright I guess I better go. He stood but his legs wobbled and BAM he fell to the floor.
''Shit, I must be more drunk then I thought.''
He got up again, took a step the wobble began again, his knees and legs gave out and BAM, he fell again.
Goddamn! I must be really fucked up. No worries, I live across the street Ill just slither my ass across.
So the man manged to cross the street on his stomach dragging himself and got to his door, it  was real late obviously so he knew his wife would be asleep so he quietly was able to open the door,  he slipped inside and slithered into bed quietly.
Morning came and the man woke up to his wife screaming at him.
"YOU IDIOT, YOU WERE AT THE BAR DRINKING ALL NIGHT AGAIN WEREN'T YOU!!"
No Honey, I swear I wasn't. Why, who the hell told you that??
"THE BARTENDER CALLED AGAIN,  SAID YOU LEFT YOUR DAMN WHEELCHAIR THERE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btscpm/too_drunk_to_remember/
%
Yo Momma so ugly...

Scorpion from Mortal Kombat be like "Stay over there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btsa0w/yo_momma_so_ugly/
%
What did the fish say when he hit the wall?

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bts9lt/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_hit_the_wall/
%
(Long) (sort of NSFW) 1 hole behind

A man is trying out golf for the first time. He eventually loses track of where he is, so he asks a girl. The girl responds saying “ I am on hole 9, you are on 8. You are one hole behind me.” He thanks her and plays again. Once more, he loses track and asks the girl. The girl responds and says “ I am on hole 15, you are on 16. You are one hole behind me.” He thanks her again and plays. Once they are done, they sit down at the cafe and talk. The girl is 27 and the man is 50, the girl likes watching movies and playing golf. The man asks her where she works. She makes him promise not to laugh and tells him. “I work at a tampon company” He falls on the floor laughing. The girl is hurt, and asks why he laughs. He responds: “ I make toilet paper! I’m one hole behind you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bts5e5/long_sort_of_nsfw_1_hole_behind/
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What do you call a movie about an illegal immigrant fighting a priest?

Alien VS Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bts478/what_do_you_call_a_movie_about_an_illegal/
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Why is Dwarven music always so gloomy?

Everything is written in a miner key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bts1qz/why_is_dwarven_music_always_so_gloomy/
%
A blonde goes to watch Jurassic World in 3D.

Whenever dinosaurs run towards the audience, she is cowering in fear on her seat. The person next to her tells her "Don't be afraid, it's just a movie".
Blond replies, "I am a human, I can think, I know it's a movie. But that's a dumb beast, what does it know?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bts1hp/a_blonde_goes_to_watch_jurassic_world_in_3d/
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(Dark) What to kids with cancer have in common with dark humor?

They both never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bts1bw/dark_what_to_kids_with_cancer_have_in_common_with/
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I was gonna make a giraffe joke

But it's too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btrxwz/i_was_gonna_make_a_giraffe_joke/
%
An American pastor, a British pastor and a Nigerian pastor were asked how they determine God's share of their Church offerings

The American pastor says he draws a circle, then throws all the money up, and all the ones that fall within the circle is God's share.
The Bristish pastor responds, "I draw a line, then throw all the money up. All the ones that fall to the right I give to God."
When the Nigerian pastor was asked, he says, "I throw all the money up, and any God catches, that's his".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btrwuk/an_american_pastor_a_british_pastor_and_a/
%
Someone threw a beer at Trump during the Indianapolis NRA convention.

He’s fine. It was a draft so he easily dodged it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btrw39/someone_threw_a_beer_at_trump_during_the/
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An 8 year old girl asks a question to her grandfather.

An eight-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him: "Grandpa, what is couple sex?''
The grandfather was very surprised that she would ask such a question. But he decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
Feeling uncomfortable, he steeled himself and proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of sexual intercourse.
When he finished, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open and her eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her: "Why did you ask this question, honey?''
"Well,'' the little girl replied," Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btrvft/an_8_year_old_girl_asks_a_question_to_her/
%
An ice walks into a bar.

It sits on the counter and says:
Ice: "A glass of whiskey please"
Bartender: "Ice?"
Ice: "john?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btrs2p/an_ice_walks_into_a_bar/
%
who's featured in a 45 cents concert ?

50 cents and nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btrrkz/whos_featured_in_a_45_cents_concert/
%
I only date anti-vaxxers

because then you have to pay the child support for 8 years instead of 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btrm4b/i_only_date_antivaxxers/
%
Why cant you fool an aborted baby?

It wasn't born yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btrk0x/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_baby/
%
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btrjwi/a_man_escapes_from_a_prison_where_hes_been_locked/
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Went to my yoga class today and my instructor turned up blind drunk.

Put me in a really awkward position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btraqb/went_to_my_yoga_class_today_and_my_instructor/
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A friend of mine told me he'd heard about a local glory hole...

He received an anonymous tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btr80f/a_friend_of_mine_told_me_hed_heard_about_a_local/
%
Have been putting 3.14 on pieces of jewellery.

Pioneering work, I think you'll agree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btr3hd/have_been_putting_314_on_pieces_of_jewellery/
%
My wife says I never pay attention to her...

... at least I think that's what she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btqydx/my_wife_says_i_never_pay_attention_to_her/
%
What did the man say after his phone exploded in his mailbox?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btqrtt/what_did_the_man_say_after_his_phone_exploded_in/
%
Went to a kink shop with my coworkers

We had some great team bonding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btqipz/went_to_a_kink_shop_with_my_coworkers/
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Irish Vs. English

An English naval vessel is called to attention by an Irish Guard.
Irish: Aye, approaching vessel, I advise ye turn 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.
The English Captain replies: "Negative, sir. We advise you redirect 15 degrees north to avoid said collision."
Irish: I repeat, Captain: redirect your course 15 degrees *south*, so that critical damage may be prevented.
English: "I say, sir; I am the Captain of the Royal Army and I refuse to listen to the demands of some Potato-Munching Famine-Runner. Now, as I said previously: REDIRECT COURSE 15 DEGREES *NORTH* SO THAT YOUR PUNY VESSEL MAY NOT COLLIDE INTO OUR AIRCRAFT CARRIER!"
After this final refusal to acquiesce to the others' requests, a bit of mud slinging and trash talking ensued for several minutes. This caused the English Headman (over the crew, over the Captain, the direct link to the Queen) to interfere over the line:
"Listen here, ya right twit; this is the grand head of this aircraft carrier. We're loaded with six tankers, 4 helicopters, twelve stealthers, and the biggest guns you'll find in the Great Mainlands. If you do not want to meet the late Davy Jones, Neptune or God himself, I highly and respectfully suggest, you rechart your vessel *north* or brace yourselves to be pilverised. Because, and I repeat again, we *will not* change our direction!"
A silence hits the radio air for only a moment before the Irish responds:
"Well we're a Lighthouse, so your call"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btqfkm/irish_vs_english/
%
Why do Germans always have a tiny living room?

They tried and failed to expand it before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btqeir/why_do_germans_always_have_a_tiny_living_room/
%
A pub owner announces a contest for the best toast of the night. John O'Reilly hoists his beer and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” and wins the top prize...

He goes home and tells his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night!"
She says, “Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?”
He raises an invisible glass and in his most sincere tone says, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary says.
The next day, Mary runs into one of John’s drinking buddies at a shop. The man tells her that her husband had won the prize at the pub the night before with a toast about her.
“Aye," she says, "he told me, and I was a wee bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btqbaa/a_pub_owner_announces_a_contest_for_the_best/
%
Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine.

It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btqa25/someone_threw_a_beer_at_trump_at_indianapolis_nra/
%
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. Germans are very efficient people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btq43m/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Gay jokes aren't funny

Cum on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btq197/gay_jokes_arent_funny/
%
A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
His answer to the question: "What chair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btpx43/a_philosophy_professor_walks_in_to_give_his_class/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btpt7w/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What's green, sits in the corner and cries?

The Incredible Sulk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btpr9h/whats_green_sits_in_the_corner_and_cries/
%
My girlfriend's a porn star

And she's going to be really pissed when she finds out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btpokm/my_girlfriends_a_porn_star/
%
Squirrels don’t have children....

They ALWAYS swallow the nut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btpj1n/squirrels_dont_have_children/
%
A huge muscular man with a tiny head walks into a bar

, and everyone stares at him becuase there impressed by his muscular physique, but there also shocked with his tiny head in contrast to his huge body. So the man walks up to order a drink and the bartender says" im not gay or anything, but I'm impressed by your physique it's amazing, but why do you have such a little head".
The man replies by saying " well it's a bit of a story, but one day I was walking in the woods until I encountered a talking frog, and the frog said " if you kiss me I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes".
Then suddenly that frog turned into a beautiful naked women who then said" you now have 3 wishes, what do you wish for", I then said " I wish I had Arnold Schwarzeneggers body". Then my clothes rip from the huge body transformation, and I Had Arnold Schwarzenegger physique. The lady then said " what is your second wish", I said " I wish to have sex with you".
We start engaging in sex, and in the middle of enjoyment the beautiful women whispers to me" you have one more wish" I then said " how a about a little head"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btp95r/a_huge_muscular_man_with_a_tiny_head_walks_into_a/
%
My computer was broken

I tried slamming it against the wall.
It crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btp7hc/my_computer_was_broken/
%
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. Although we cannoli do so much, he will forever be a pizza history. His wife? Cheese still not over it. Just goes to show here today, gone tomato. Lets send olive our prayers to the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btozw0/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that_died/
%
A doctor walks into his examining room.

A doctor walks into his examining room and puts his hand on his patient’s shoulder.
With a solemn look on his face, the doctor tells the patient “you’re dying. You don’t have very much time left.”
“Oh no!” the patient says. “How much longer do I have?”
The doctor says “Ten.”
The patient panics, asking “Ten what? Days? Weeks? Months?”
The doctor replies “Nine..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btouni/a_doctor_walks_into_his_examining_room/
%
I threw a boomerang a few years ago

Since then I live in daily fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btotg9/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
%
I was going to post a joke about time travel

But you guys didn't like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btom8w/i_was_going_to_post_a_joke_about_time_travel/
%
Theodore was feeding geese when his friend David walked by

Say there, Theodore, what are you doing?"
"Why, I'm feeding these here geese, David."
"I can see that, but why do you keep staring at the bread crumbs?"
"Well, David, what's good for a goose is good for a gander."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btokp3/theodore_was_feeding_geese_when_his_friend_david/
%
What do you call a mexican drug kingpin who likes to dress as a woman?

El Trapo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btoke3/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_drug_kingpin_who_likes/
%
I pulled into a town I couldn’t believe still existed.

A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said “General Store”, and that was it.
There was an old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair. I said to him, “What do you fella do around here for fun?”
He said, “We don’t do nothin’ but hunt n’ fuck.”
I said, “What do you hunt?”
He replied, “Somethin’ to fuck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btoj3y/i_pulled_into_a_town_i_couldnt_believe_still/
%
At a recruitment interview

“Can you work overtime for this company without overtime claim?”
“I can work for this company without any pay”
“Ha ha you must be joking.”
“Well you started first.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btohyd/at_a_recruitment_interview/
%
A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.
He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another string breaks. The bassist is again quite saddened but decided it really isn't that big of a deal, but since he can't really play his favorite rock songs with only 2 strings he moves on to play some Blues.
The bass player continues playing for a few more hours, slowly starting to enjoy the new Blues tunes he's playing, when suddenly the 3rd string breaks. The Bassist is really disappointed now, but it's already late and all the stores are probably closed, so he decides he'll buy the new strings tomorrow. He continues playing, but since Blues can't be played with only one string he starts playing Pop Music.
He has fun playing Pop with his last string for some time, when his last string breaks.
The Bassist is saddened again, but with no other option he finally starts playing Metal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btoh8q/a_bass_player_is_playing_jazz_in_the_street_for/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

A. Ground beef
Q. What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
A. Lean beef.
Q. What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
A. Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btofiz/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
Chinese takeout: $17.00. Gas to get there, $2.11

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.
Riceless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btod8l/chinese_takeout_1700_gas_to_get_there_211/
%
Horse and Chicken were standing in farmer Brown's yard. [Long]

Horse was standing in the biggest puddle of mud you ever did see, not paying attention to anything. Before he knew it, he had sunk up to his haunches and couldn't get out.
"Help me Chicken!" He cried. "Go get Farmer Brown to pull me out with his tractor"
"Can't!" Squawked Chicken. "Farmer Brown is ploughing the back 40, you'd sink before i got there! I'll get you out myself"
So chicken jumped into farmer brown's BMW and backed up to horse, tied his reigns to the bumper and pulled Horse free.
"Thank you, thank you, if there's ever anything I can do to repay you, you saved my life."
And things went back to normal around the barnyard, until one day chicken was standing in the same mud puddle, not paying attention to what was going on until he was sunk up to his wings and couldn't gey out.
"Help me, help me Horse, you gotta get the beemer" cried Chicken
"Naaa," said horse. "I don't need a car"
He straddled the puddle with his legs stretched wide apart and said "grab hold of my cock"
"Whaaat?!?" Squawked Chicken.
"Just grab my penis" said horse.
And chicken did just that and horse pulled him out of the mud.
AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS
If you're hung like a horse you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btocy1/horse_and_chicken_were_standing_in_farmer_browns/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btobab/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bto9zt/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
%
"This is the police! Open up!"

"We didn't call the police, we called for hookers!"
"Your neighbors called us!"
"If they called you, then let them f*** you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bto8ew/this_is_the_police_open_up/
%
What happens when the Queen burps?

She issues a royal pardon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bto6hz/what_happens_when_the_queen_burps/
%
Why can’t you get pregnant if you have sex with a vampire?

Because he can’t come inside without an invitation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bto2c8/why_cant_you_get_pregnant_if_you_have_sex_with_a/
%
What do vampires cross the sea in?

Blood vessels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bto18e/what_do_vampires_cross_the_sea_in/
%
What is Bruce Wayne's drink of choice?

Just ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btnz4j/what_is_bruce_waynes_drink_of_choice/
%
A teenage boy tells an old lady her fence is broken, and says he could fix it, for a small fee

The lady thinks its an honest job, and her fence did broke a few days ago.
"But wait, what are you going to do with the money?"
"Oh, ma'am, I intend to buy a car!" Answers the boy.
"That is wonderful! Good to see a young gent already thinking about his future, and doing some honest work! I'll be happy to pay you if you fix it!"
Soon after, the boy was already at it. Brought the wooden poles he needed and before the end of the day the fence was as good as ever.
The lady was impressed. And even got him some extra money as a nice tip.
A few days later, when she met with her girlfriends for tea, she was starting to tell them about how nice it was that there was still hope for this new generation, with a boy like the one that helped her the other day.
"Oh, my poor Betty..." Said one of her friends. "You were conned! That boy goes around at night, breaking people's poles just so he can fix them during the day!"
Outraged, Betty set out to discover the truth. She did her stakeout by her window that night, and was shocked to see the boy kicking and destroying her neighbour's fence.
As fast as she could, Betty ran after him, but couldn't keep up. Drowned in sadness, poor Betty screamed:
"Why??? Why would you do that!? Why would you destroy other people's fences just to fix them during the day?"
For wich the boy replyed:
" Sorry, its nothing personal. You see...
Reposting is the fastest way to car, ma'am!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btnwtf/a_teenage_boy_tells_an_old_lady_her_fence_is/
%
communists won't get this

food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btnsvt/communists_wont_get_this/
%
A guy visits NYC for the first time and decides to go see Chinatown.

As he’s walking around, amongst all the Chinese shops he spots a bakery called “Hans Olufsen’s Bakery”. Feeling curious, he walks in. Inside he sees an all Chinese staff, with several Chinese pastries on display. Even more curious, he notices the guy who looks like the manager and talks to him:
“Hello, I’m wondering - who’s Hans Olufsen?”
“I’m Hans Olufsen.”
“But you’re Chinese!”
“When I came to America 30 years ago, I was getting off the ship and walking behind a big Scandinavian man. At the end of the ramp, there was a man with a register asking everyone’s name and writing it down. When this man asked the Scandinavian man his name, he said: ‘Hans Olufsen’. Then he asked me my name, and I said ‘Shem Ting’. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btnjlk/a_guy_visits_nyc_for_the_first_time_and_decides/
%
What do you get when you combine flour, water, sugar, salt, yeast, and animal abuse?

PETA bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btniek/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_flour_water/
%
Today I had two 3 hour exams with a three hour break in between.

My teacher told me not to sleep during the break. However he didn't say what I could do during the exams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btnhe5/today_i_had_two_3_hour_exams_with_a_three_hour/
%
What is a homophobic child's worst nightmare?

A monster coming out of the closet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btn8h5/what_is_a_homophobic_childs_worst_nightmare/
%
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btn4ri/harveys_grandfather_clock_suddenly_stops_working/
%
To whoever stole my antidrpressants

hope you're happy now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btn4ck/to_whoever_stole_my_antidrpressants/
%
I had to give up on my idea to create the world’s smallest flamethrower.

It was burning a hole in my pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btn3iz/i_had_to_give_up_on_my_idea_to_create_the_worlds/
%
Why did the Mexican take xanax?

For hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btmzr7/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
So a chick walks into a tattoo shop.

She tells the tattoo artist "hey I want a picture of Axl Rose on my left inner thigh and a picture of Slash on my right inner thigh." So he begins to do the tattoos. When he's done he has her look down she says "sorry but this doesn't look like either of them." He says "okay let's go get a second opinion". So they go outside and there's a homeless guy in the alley and she walks up to him and drops her pants and she says "hey who does this look like"? He looks at both and he says "you know what I don't know who either of those guys are but the one in the middle with the beard and the bad breath looks like Willie Nelson".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btmuto/so_a_chick_walks_into_a_tattoo_shop/
%
What is another word for FakeTaxi?

Screwdriver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btmu85/what_is_another_word_for_faketaxi/
%
A Canadian accidentally bumped into a hard of hearing person.

Legend has it that they're still saying sorry to each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btmrkx/a_canadian_accidentally_bumped_into_a_hard_of/
%
What do you call a rabbit with a crooked dick?

Fucks Funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btmrdm/what_do_you_call_a_rabbit_with_a_crooked_dick/
%
I went to a gay bar yesterday.

They were very friendly. When I was at the bar, one of the gentlemen offered to push my stool in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btmnir/i_went_to_a_gay_bar_yesterday/
%
I was in the library today and I saw a sign on the emergency exit that said, "This door is alarmed"...

And I wondered, what startled it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btmc4g/i_was_in_the_library_today_and_i_saw_a_sign_on/
%
My dad had an accident once eating curry

He slipped into a korma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btmbzk/my_dad_had_an_accident_once_eating_curry/
%
I was on a plane, sat next to a man, who had a large rucksack full of rotting animal meat.

He said it was his carrion luggage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btm9o6/i_was_on_a_plane_sat_next_to_a_man_who_had_a/
%
A Cannibal is walking in the jungle toward his village.

Soon, a second cannibal joins him on the road. The first cannibal says to the second, “Hi, How’re you doing?”
The second cannibal says, “Not so good. My stomach has been upset for the past few days.”
The first cannibal replies, “Well, what’ve you been eating?”
The second cannibal says, “Oh, you know, the usual. Missionaries with their long brown robes, hoods and sandals on their feet. We put them in a big pot of boiling water with carrots and peas and make a stew.”
The first cannibal replies, “Well there’s your problem right there. You’re cooking them wrong.”
The second cannibal replies, “What do you mean I’m cooking them wrong?”
The first cannibal shakes his head and says, “Yeah, you don’t get it. Those are Friars.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btm8g0/a_cannibal_is_walking_in_the_jungle_toward_his/
%
Today was a weird day

First I found a hat full of money, and then a man with gitar followed me the rest of the day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btm87b/today_was_a_weird_day/
%
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btm66o/i_just_saw_my_chinese_waiter_give_my_order_to/
%
My wife asked me if i was secretly trans.

So i packed her stuff and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btm5dm/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_was_secretly_trans/
%
A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...

The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.
"This one is on the house bro", he says.
"Thanks man," said the patron.
"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure" said the bartender, and he patiently holds it while the vet sips back the frosty nectar.
"If," says the armless man, "you'd reach in my right-hand pocket, you'll find my smokes, could you please..."
The bartender gets his pack out and lights one up for him.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more."...
"Where is the men's room?"
The bartender's face suddenly turns flush...
"Out the door, turn left, walk two blocks - there's a gas station on the corner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btm3pq/a_marine_who_is_missing_both_of_his_arms_walks/
%
There is a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly upsetting the other children and damaging the school property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents...

...saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yours sincerely, Headmaster.”
When the boy’s dad hears about the expulsion, mum suggests he goes upstairs and has a “heart-to-heart” with his son and also explain what might happen if he continues masturbating. So dad goes upstairs, into his son’s bedroom and starts to talk to him.
“Wait a minute, dad,” says the boy, “I’m over here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btm2gs/there_is_a_boy_who_is_always_in_trouble_he_is/
%
Love is blind

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btm2cj/love_is_blind/
%
My parents treat me like a god...

They ignore me until they can blame me for something terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btm0i7/my_parents_treat_me_like_a_god/
%
How does Moses make his coffee.

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btlyqo/how_does_moses_make_his_coffee/
%
A mother has two young boys, both of which are very badly behaved

One day, she decides to take the younger boy to talk to a chaplain in hopes of improving his behaviour before he gets older. When they go to see the chaplain, she takes the younger boy into a separate room to talk with him.
“Where is God?” Asked the chaplain calmly
“I don’t know” said the young boy, very confused
The chaplain asked the same question again, in a more angry tone
“I don’t know” said the boy again, unsure how he was supposed to answer
“WHERE IS GOD??” The chaplain yelled the question, becoming angry
“I don’t know” said the boy, becoming very scared as the chaplain was raising her voice
“I WILL NOT ASK AGAIN, WHERE IS GOD??”
“I don’t know!” The boy said quickly and fled the room, running home and going into his brother’s room
In a panic he told his brother, “They lost God and they think I have something to do with it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btlxvb/a_mother_has_two_young_boys_both_of_which_are/
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The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btlvuj/the_united_states_is_always_being_hit_with/
%
Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?

They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btlurm/why_did_the_croissants_take_the_donuts_and_bagels/
%
Retiring mail man

So a retiring mail man is making his route on his last day. He has been working the route for 30 years. He receives a few thank you cards, and some small gifts, which really makes him feel appreciated.
As his day is coming to an end, he comes to one of the final houses. As he puts the mail in the slot, and the door opens...
A beautiful blonde, stands there in sexy lingerie, and signals for him to come in. He gulps, and closes the door behind him.
The blonde says, "Come on in, I knew it was your last day, and I thought I'd make you breakfast"!
He is in shock, but sits down, and enjoys one of the best meals of his life. He finishes the meal, not being able to take his eyes off of his, much younger, beautiful hostess. As he finishes, he thanks her, and turns to leave...
As he reaches the door, the sexy blonde grabs him by the arm, and says, "I have another surprise for you upstairs"! She slips off the lingerie on her way up the steps and disappears into a room...
The mail man throws down his stuff, strips down, and scrambles up the steps. They enjoy an afternoon full of passion. He thanks her for the best sex of his life, collects his belongings, and again turns to leave...
As he opens the door the beautiful blonde runs up behind him, "I almost forgot". She hands him a five dollar bill. He stares at her in disbelief and confusion, "I have to ask, breakfast was great, upstairs was even better, but what is the $5 for"?
The blonde explains, "Oh silly, my husband and I knew it was your last day. I told him I wanted to do something special for you. He said that old bastard, fuck him, give him five bucks... but breakfast was my idea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btlt7y/retiring_mail_man/
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Without Arabs, we wouldn't have 9/11.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btlq3m/without_arabs_we_wouldnt_have_911/
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What do feminists hate more than sexist jokes?

Having it explained to them by a man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btlon2/what_do_feminists_hate_more_than_sexist_jokes/
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What is Harry Potters favorite method of getting down a hill?

Walking.
JK, Rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btlndy/what_is_harry_potters_favorite_method_of_getting/
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Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?

His friends kept saying “get along, little doggy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btln8i/why_did_the_cowboy_get_a_dachshund/
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So there was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btln6l/so_there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_trains/
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My wife accused me of being immature...

I told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btlmll/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
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Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn’t get arrays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btlm8d/why_did_the_programmer_quit_his_job/
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A policeman arrested 2 boys yesterday, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btljb6/a_policeman_arrested_2_boys_yesterday_one_for/
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What does a pulley like best about its position?

Being the center of a tension.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btld33/what_does_a_pulley_like_best_about_its_position/
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A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each on of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if Im gonna have to explain it 5 times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btl94g/a_blind_guy_on_a_bar_stool_shouts_to_the/
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A linguistics professor told his class:

"In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
to which came a voice from the back: "Yeah, right!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btl85j/a_linguistics_professor_told_his_class/
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How Many Potatoes Does it Take to Kill an Irish Person?

Zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btl7cz/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
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How do you know that your girlfriend is getting fat?

She can fit into your wife’s clothes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btl5q9/how_do_you_know_that_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
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It’s almost National Jamaican Hairstyle Day.

Everyone’s dreadin’ it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btl39x/its_almost_national_jamaican_hairstyle_day/
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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse
Thankyou everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btl2k6/my_mate_said_he_can_tighten_up_nuts_and_bolts/
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What is sex called in Alabama?

Super smash bros

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btkvzo/what_is_sex_called_in_alabama/
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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point.
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btkprk/he_was_in_ecstasy_with_a_huge_smile_on_his_face/
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2 magnets walk into a bar

The negative magnet slides over to the positive magnet and says:
Hey, I think I’m attracted to you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btkm13/2_magnets_walk_into_a_bar/
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I don’t understand why people say cancer is hard to beat

i’m already at stage 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btkhqy/i_dont_understand_why_people_say_cancer_is_hard/
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A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?”
To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we where coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!”
Lily, curious now, asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?”
To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we where coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!”
The third daughter is now thoroughly intrigued.
So Cinderblock asked, “gfhdjfkvkvogrbifididc ifidkcogif”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btkdw1/a_woman_is_walking_home_with_her_three_daughters/
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Blackwall Tunnel has been closed and why the speed limit has been reduced:

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the Blackwall Tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btkblf/blackwall_tunnel_has_been_closed_and_why_the/
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Did you hear about the wooden car? It had a wooden engine, wooden wheels, a wooden chassis and a wooden gearbox...

And the fuckin' thing wooden even go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btk6x4/did_you_hear_about_the_wooden_car_it_had_a_wooden/
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A blonde woman read, in Cosmo, that milk is really good for your skin.

Now this was a woman who wanted perfect skin all over so her master-plan was to fill up a bath, with milk, and soak for a few hours.
The next morning, the milkman arrived at the door and she asked "Hey, Mr Milkman, I wonder if you can help me here?"
"Of course, what's the problem?" he kindly replied.
"Well I want to fill up a bath with milk. Do you think tomorrow you could bring enough milk to fill up a bath please?" she explained.
The milkman, a little puzzled, replied "Err yes love, I guess I could. Pasteurised?"
Laughing, she responded, "No thanks, just up to my tits!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btk5yn/a_blonde_woman_read_in_cosmo_that_milk_is_really/
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Dentist: "ok, so this is going to sting a little bit"

"I've been sleeping with your wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btk1jd/dentist_ok_so_this_is_going_to_sting_a_little_bit/
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What does this post and an abortion have in common?

Dying in new.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btjzgd/what_does_this_post_and_an_abortion_have_in_common/
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I'm addicted to cutting my brakes and driving.

I just can't stop!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btjxne/im_addicted_to_cutting_my_brakes_and_driving/
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My cat scratched me

me:ow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btjvy4/my_cat_scratched_me/
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My Dad learnt this new magic trick

He showed me that he can turn a 6 pack of beer into domestic violence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btjt9d/my_dad_learnt_this_new_magic_trick/
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A regular kid and an anti-vaxx kid were at a haunted house.

A man with a chainsaw begins to run at them, but only the normal kid runs.
Why, you may ask?
Well, I'd like to see you try to run while in a coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btjsrb/a_regular_kid_and_an_antivaxx_kid_were_at_a/
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My ex-girlfriend had a really wierd fetish...

she used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btjo1e/my_exgirlfriend_had_a_really_wierd_fetish/
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I still remember my grandfather's last words to me..

STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTLE SHIT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btjnuu/i_still_remember_my_grandfathers_last_words_to_me/
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My Pal drew a penis on my face while I was sleeping

I told him he drew it pretty well. He said “thanks I traced it”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btjjmm/my_pal_drew_a_penis_on_my_face_while_i_was/
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Circus Adoption

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btjd76/circus_adoption/
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I am so single. I went to Grand Canyon, alone. I yelled “I love you” just to hear it said back to me.

My echo replied. “I just want to be friends”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btja43/i_am_so_single_i_went_to_grand_canyon_alone_i/
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We were eating at a local restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”
Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btj8jm/we_were_eating_at_a_local_restaurant_last_night/
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A grandma decides to end her long prosperous life early by jumping from a bridge

A man approaches while she readies herself to jump.
The man asks: "Excuse me, if you commit suicide, could we have Sex now? I mean you will die soon anyways".
The grandma is shocked and says: "Hell no. What do you think who I am you pervert?"
The starts walking away and tells the old lady: "No problem. I will just wait below the bridge".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btj53p/a_grandma_decides_to_end_her_long_prosperous_life/
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What should a bird nourish its chick with to ensure it's proper development?

Redbull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btixhk/what_should_a_bird_nourish_its_chick_with_to/
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I used to by my dad a neck tie on father's day, but now I buy him an Asian hooker.

It's better to buy a Thai that he'll actually use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btisxe/i_used_to_by_my_dad_a_neck_tie_on_fathers_day_but/
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Men's locker room humor is like my wife's orgasms

She never gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btir4u/mens_locker_room_humor_is_like_my_wifes_orgasms/
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Solid, liquid and Gas

All comes out of my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btiinm/solid_liquid_and_gas/
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What was the prisoner's favorite food?

Lamb shank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btiicf/what_was_the_prisoners_favorite_food/
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What do you call a sick eagle?

Illegal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btihh6/what_do_you_call_a_sick_eagle/
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How does a drummer call his twin daughters?

Ana one, Ana two...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btifti/how_does_a_drummer_call_his_twin_daughters/
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I'm addicted to brake fluid,

But I can stop whenever I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bticsu/im_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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If I had a dollar for everytime I said a racist comment....

I'd probably get robbed by a black guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btibyo/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_everytime_i_said_a_racist/
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What do you get when you mix a pig and a karate master?

A porkchop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btiaoi/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_pig_and_a_karate/
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What is a skeleton's weapon of choice?

A bone and marrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bti87b/what_is_a_skeletons_weapon_of_choice/
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TIL Reddit is quite similar to fencing.

Full of ripostes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bti1a2/til_reddit_is_quite_similar_to_fencing/
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Cop: Sir, you’re driving on the wrong side of the road.

Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bti0th/cop_sir_youre_driving_on_the_wrong_side_of_the/
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My child is so spoiled, I got him a trampoline for Christmas.

Instead of using it he just cried in his wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bti075/my_child_is_so_spoiled_i_got_him_a_trampoline_for/
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Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America

Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bthxfo/teacher_maria_go_to_the_map_and_find_north_america/
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Do you know when hitler killed himself?

When he saw the gas bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bthvmr/do_you_know_when_hitler_killed_himself/
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My parents treat me like god

They believe in me when it’s convenient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bthu60/my_parents_treat_me_like_god/
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Was almost in the club last night but got dragged out by the bouncer.

"Are u 18?" he asked.
"No," I replied.
"Can't let u in then," he replied.
As I walked out I thought to myself, "this is the 3rd club I've been at tonight. What does a 22 year old have to do to get inside?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bthtgz/was_almost_in_the_club_last_night_but_got_dragged/
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What’s an epileptic’s favorite meal?

Seizure Salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bthncf/whats_an_epileptics_favorite_meal/
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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.
"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"
"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bthmbs/hey_i_heard_china_just_legalized_samesex_marriage/
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How long would it take Keanu Reeves to learn Spanish?

Juan Wick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bthja8/how_long_would_it_take_keanu_reeves_to_learn/
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Simple math with Little Johnny

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bthgnq/simple_math_with_little_johnny/
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I'm ok with most drugs

But cocaine is where I draw the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bthby0/im_ok_with_most_drugs/
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I hate when people say age is just a number.

Age is clearly a word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bthatl/i_hate_when_people_say_age_is_just_a_number/
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Guy gets off a long 12 hour shift at the mill

as he walks out to the parking lot to get in his beat up old pickup, he sees a high end sports car pull up with the exhaust crackling. It’s his boss inside. “nice car boss” he says. Boss says “ yeah it is and If you come to work every day, work hard and bust your ass I’ll be able to afford another one next year”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bth7pk/guy_gets_off_a_long_12_hour_shift_at_the_mill/
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An Englishman, an Irishnan and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says, "What is this - some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bth3jg/an_englishman_an_irishnan_and_a_scotsman_walk/
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Whats the difference between a Tire and 365 Used Condoms

One’s a Goodyear, the other is a GREAT year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bth3dr/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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How do you introduce a hamburger??

Meat Patty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bth2h4/how_do_you_introduce_a_hamburger/
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If a carrot and a lettuce were in a race, who would win?

The lettuce because it's *a head*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bth1fh/if_a_carrot_and_a_lettuce_were_in_a_race_who/
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There are three people who die and go to heaven: a teacher, construction worker, and a lawyer

St. Peter greets them and says "Here's the thing: heaven is becoming overcrowded, so in order to get in, you have to answer the one question I give you correctly. If you don't, you go to hell."
The teacher decides to go first; she walks up to St. Peter, and asks "What is my question?"
St. Peter doesn't mind having a teacher there, so he decides to make the question easy.
"What casualty occured April 14, 1912, that took many lives?"
"The sinking of the Titanic."
"That's correct; who's next?"
The construction worker walks up, and St. Peter doesn't want someone to stink up heaven, so he decides to make it a bit harder.
"How many people died on the Titanic when it sank?"
"1,503."
St. Peter is a bit surprised that a construction worker would know that, but he got the question correct, so he grudgingly let him in.
Then the lawyer walked up
"What were their names?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bth0am/there_are_three_people_who_die_and_go_to_heaven_a/
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To the idiot who stole my dictionary

I really have no words for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btgwxh/to_the_idiot_who_stole_my_dictionary/
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An undercover cop called at my farm in rural texas yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btgwhr/an_undercover_cop_called_at_my_farm_in_rural/
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Good Sex is like a Bad Joke.

I don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btgv4z/good_sex_is_like_a_bad_joke/
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My sister asked me if I wanted to have sex with her

I replied, If you incest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btgshu/my_sister_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_have_sex_with/
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When you die, what part of your body stops working last?

Your pupils, because they dilate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btgscw/when_you_die_what_part_of_your_body_stops_working/
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How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btghin/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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Did you hear about the hairdresser who ingested some hair coloring?

She dyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btgdlh/did_you_hear_about_the_hairdresser_who_ingested/
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i have a 2B pencil, and a 2H pencil, the question is which should i use?

2B or not 2B?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btgax9/i_have_a_2b_pencil_and_a_2h_pencil_the_question/
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Did you here about the two pharaohs who farted at the same time?

They had a tutankhamun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btg8dw/did_you_here_about_the_two_pharaohs_who_farted_at/
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I went to the book store and asked the saleswomen 'where is the self help section?'

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btg6in/i_went_to_the_book_store_and_asked_the_saleswomen/
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A boy asked his bitcoin investing dad...

...for 100$ worth of bitcoin.
Dad: 98.7$ ? , what will you do with 105$? Can't you just think how valuable 95$ is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btg571/a_boy_asked_his_bitcoin_investing_dad/
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You ever eat donkey?

I hear it tastes like ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btg56a/you_ever_eat_donkey/
%
I just set my fb name to Nobody

So whenever I see an ugly post, I like it and it says Nobody likes your post

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btg2ja/i_just_set_my_fb_name_to_nobody/
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North koreans believe that their country is the best country in the world because they are brain washed by the government and media

While every Americans knows that America is the best country in the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btg1on/north_koreans_believe_that_their_country_is_the/
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A group of adventurers on Mount Everest have banded together to clean up the stuff left behind by past expeditions. It will likely take them at least 3 years.

More if there are any vegetarians. Less if they develop a taste for freezer burned meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btfwml/a_group_of_adventurers_on_mount_everest_have/
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What do you call a helium balloon shaped like Albert Einstein?

A stable genius.... (original)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btfvyq/what_do_you_call_a_helium_balloon_shaped_like/
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I made a sideshow of guessing whether you're right or left handed just by asking your favorite color.

I'm very proud of my 90% success rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btftv8/i_made_a_sideshow_of_guessing_whether_youre_right/
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A boy walks in on his parents having sex...

... And asks them what they are doing.
The Father replies "we're making a little brother or little sister for you to play with.
The boy responds "well then you two should be fucking doggy style because I'd rather have a puppy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btfqsa/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_parents_having_sex/
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I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at the party....

Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btfqcm/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once_an_hour_later_i/
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My kids treat me like a god.

They only talk to me when they need something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btfpx8/my_kids_treat_me_like_a_god/
%
What did the scientist tell his sister when she wouldn't sit still?

Stasis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btflmr/what_did_the_scientist_tell_his_sister_when_she/
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I think that the geese in Canada are racists.

They kept yelling honk eh’ honk  eh’ honk eh ‘!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btfhe5/i_think_that_the_geese_in_canada_are_racists/
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Most Hipsters’ favourite movie is Raiders of the Lost Ark.

It’s the first indie film.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btfgv9/most_hipsters_favourite_movie_is_raiders_of_the/
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It was hot today, so I dragged a box fan from the basement and lifted it into a window to suck the warm air out of the house.

It was exhausting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btfe6i/it_was_hot_today_so_i_dragged_a_box_fan_from_the/
%
it is my dream to create a performance entirely based on puns about invertebrates

and it will be called 'a play on worms'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btfa5h/it_is_my_dream_to_create_a_performance_entirely/
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Why can’t your nose be 12 inches?

Because it will be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bteyev/why_cant_your_nose_be_12_inches/
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An old man goes to the IRS.

An old man goes to the IRS building to settle his debts, on entering an agent mocked the old man for his age. Out of spite, the old man bet the agent $2000 that he could bite his eye.
The agent took him up, and to his surprise the old man laughs and takes out his glass eye, then bites it.
Angered, the agent bet him $4000 that he couldn’t bite the *other* eye. With a smirk the old man takes out his dentures and bites his other eye with them.
Seeing the agent lose his cool, the old man called another bet for $20000 that he could piss from the top of the agent’s desk into a far away wastebasket without spilling a drop. The Agent agreed, for he believed that would be impossible.
The old man climbs onto the desk and pisses all over it. The agent sees the failure and jumps for joy, then immediately another agent screams with fury.
“What’s wrong, Jim?” The first agent asks.
“You don’t understand!” He said.
“On the way in here that man bet me $400000 that he could piss on your desk and you’d be happy about it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btewf5/an_old_man_goes_to_the_irs/
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Almost got pink eye

Good thing im colorblind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btevmr/almost_got_pink_eye/
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What is Whitney Houston's favourite kind of coordination?

Hand eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btesma/what_is_whitney_houstons_favourite_kind_of/
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What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can clean her crack and sell it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btepnf/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
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Knock Knock

Who’s there?
Doorbell  repair man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btep6a/knock_knock/
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The bartender said “sorry we don’t serve time travelers here”

Three time travelers walk into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bteoic/the_bartender_said_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
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At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in thecongregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said: “I have a Praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Tom had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, by wrapping wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btenv7/at_the_sunday_morning_church_service_the_minister/
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So I was telling a holocaust joke to God the other day

He didn't get it, I think he might've needed to be there to understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bteeap/so_i_was_telling_a_holocaust_joke_to_god_the/
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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, He "fell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btecpf/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
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A man is walking around Harvard University,

He asked somebody " Excuse me, Can you tell me where the library is?". The student replies " Sorry here at Harvard we don't finish our sentences with prepositions". The man then said " Okay can you tell me where the library is asshole? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bte30i/a_man_is_walking_around_harvard_university/
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I officially have the body of a god

Thank you, Thor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bte2m7/i_officially_have_the_body_of_a_god/
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Scientists have discovered a new type of bees that make milk!

They have named them boobees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bte05c/scientists_have_discovered_a_new_type_of_bees/
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I once dumped a cross eyed chick

Thought she was seeing someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btdxzn/i_once_dumped_a_cross_eyed_chick/
%
What's as big as a house, burns 20 litres of fuel every hour, puts out a shit ton of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into 3 pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into 4 pieces

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btdxyy/whats_as_big_as_a_house_burns_20_litres_of_fuel/
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I went to a crazy Amish strip club.

It was bonnetless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btduf8/i_went_to_a_crazy_amish_strip_club/
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Some men can grow up to 8 feet

But most only have 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btdpke/some_men_can_grow_up_to_8_feet/
%
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btdook/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
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An old woman passed away. Her 25 children attended the funeral.

The priest spoke of her extraordinary life.
“She married John and they had had 13 children before he passed. Then she remarried. She and her beloved Richard had 7 children. But he sadly died as well. But she married again and had 5 children with Michael. Now she is at rest. Thank you, Lord for such a loving woman. They are finally together again.”
One daughter leaned over and whispered to her half sister, "Do you think he is talking about my dad or yours?”
Their half brother leaned forward and whispered, “He’s talking about her legs!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btdoil/an_old_woman_passed_away_her_25_children_attended/
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Thousands of people die every day. Thats just a statistic.

But for some reason when i kill them it’s monstrosity instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btdmzk/thousands_of_people_die_every_day_thats_just_a/
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Winning the lottery

"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.
"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.
"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.
"My point exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btdl1i/winning_the_lottery/
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NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!!

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We"re outta here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btdh5l/no_one_believes_seniors_anymore/
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I just started my first Braille horror story

I know something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btdfk3/i_just_started_my_first_braille_horror_story/
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My wife screamed at me: “You really haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said to you, have you?”

What a weird way to start a conversation!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btd56m/my_wife_screamed_at_me_you_really_havent_listened/
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Why did Mozart kill his pet chicken?

Because all it could say was, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btd3q1/why_did_mozart_kill_his_pet_chicken/
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So Ms. Delinsky is trying to get her 4th-graders to settle down for a quiz.

She's been having real problems with her newest year of students, who as always seem way rowdier than the year before them. She blames smart phones and internet memes for this. However, Ms. Delinsky a clever lady, and she thinks she has a plan. She's going to start a 'meme' in her class: Quiz Position. She explains to her students that it's sort of like Dabbing, but instead, you do a sick move with your pencil. It can be anything you want, as long as you don't stab anybody and you end up with both hands on your desk and your mouth shut.
It works as well as she could have hoped. Most of her class thinks Quiz Position is hilarious, and she has a run of weeks where it becomes much easier to settle them down. Of course, there are always bad apples, and Ms. Delinsky's bad apple is named Stan. Stan is a little shit and mocks the other students over their sick moves, and generally seems prepared to become a middle school douche by Ms. Delinsky's estimation. Of course, the venom is taken out of him a little bit  because of his speech impediment: whenever Stan tries to tell somebody that Quiz Position is stupid, half the time it comes out 'spupid.' Even so, Ms. Delinsky's efforst are successful, and at the end of the year, Span--as she mockingly calls him to her husband--goes off to become a fifth grader and somebody else's problem.
So the next school year, Ms. Delinksy does a little research and figures out what the new hot internet meme is and starts up Quiz Position with her new class. And by now, it's spread all over the school. A couple of her teacher friends tell her that they've adopted it and it's working great, but to make it catchier, they're calling it 'Quizition.' Ms. Delinsky thinks that's great, and promptly adopts the portmanteau, and her success continues.
But about half-way through the year, Delinsky gets a new student in her class, who is just *the worst.* On his first day, Devon pulls a girl's ponytail, starts rapping in class, and then gets in a fight with another student. She expects him to be just like Span. But little does she know, Devon is also a break dancer. So when she calls for Quizition, Devon promptly busts a sick move and drops into it. Delinsky is floored. The whole class is floored.
No one expects the Span-ish in Quizition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btd2xs/so_ms_delinsky_is_trying_to_get_her_4thgraders_to/
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Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?

They're afraid it might look like they're dancing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btcu79/why_dont_baptists_have_sex_standing_up/
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A linguistics professor told his class:

"In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
To which a fat guy in the back grins and says: "yeah, right!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btctj5/a_linguistics_professor_told_his_class/
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A fish was watching a fly and thought ‘if that fly drops 6 inches, I’ll jump out of this river, catch it, and have a really nice meal’.

What the fish didn’t know was that there was a bear watching from a distance. The bear thought to himself ‘if that fly drops six inches and that fish jumps out to get it, I’ll catch the fish and have a really nice meal.’
What the bear didn’t know was that there was a hunter eating a sandwich across the river watching the entire thing. The hunter thought ‘if that fly jumps out and that fish jumps out, then the bear will jump out and I’ll drop my sandwich to shoot it and have a really nice meal’.
And what the hunter didn’t notice was that there was a mouse watching everything. The mouse thought ‘if that fly drops six inches, that fish will jump out of the water and the bear will get him. Then the hunter will throw down his sandwich to shoot the bear and I’ll get the sandwich and have a really nice meal’.
And what the mouse didn’t know was that there was a cat watching everything. The cat thought ‘if that fly drops six inches, that fish will catch it and the bear will get the fish. Then the hunter will throw down his sandwich to shoot it and the mouse will go for the sandwich. Then I’ll go out and catch the mouse and have a really nice meal’.
Then it all happened. The fly dropped six inches, the fish jumped out to catch it, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter threw down his sandwich to shoot the bear, and the mouse grabbed the sandwich.
There was one mistake. The cat had missed the mouse and landed on the river.
It just goes to show that if a fly drops six inches, a pussy’s going to get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btcpmu/a_fish_was_watching_a_fly_and_thought_if_that_fly/
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The lady next door came by and said,"Tom."

So I said,"yes"
She said,"I want you to take off my dress"
I said,"ok"
"Then I want you to take off my bra,"she continued.
"Yeah!"
"Then I want you to take off my panties and high heels"
"O.k."
"AND GIVE THEM BACK TO ME ME YOU PERVERTED,USELESS,THIEF!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btcnem/the_lady_next_door_came_by_and_saidtom/
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If you fail once, don’t give up...

Try two more times so that you failure is statistically significant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btck06/if_you_fail_once_dont_give_up/
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Three Southern Ladies Are Chatting In A Hair Salon

First lady says "I call my man Sugar"
The others a ask "Why?"
"Because he' so sweet"
Second lady says "I call my man Tree"
The others a ask "Why?"
"Because he' so big and firm"
The third lady says "I call my man Courvoisier"
The others a ask "Courvoisier? Ain't that some fancy liquor?"
"Uh huh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btcik6/three_southern_ladies_are_chatting_in_a_hair_salon/
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We asked our 75 year old grandfather why men die before women do.

He looks over at grandma and says “because they want to”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btchuj/we_asked_our_75_year_old_grandfather_why_men_die/
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an Engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information."
The man below says, "You must be a planner."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, and you have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btccfj/a_man_is_flying_in_a_hot_air_balloon_and_realizes/
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When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btcce4/when_somebody_calls_you_a_nobody_just_remember/
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A little girl lived next to a Firehouse.

Inspired by the activity when the firemen would respond to an emergency, she decided she wanted to be just like them.She took her little red wagon and rolled up a garden hose and stuck it to the wagon.Then she fixated a crude,makeshift ladder.Finally she grabbed a rope,tied one end to the front of her wagon and the other to the dogs testacles .She then placed the dog in front of the wagon.She took her little red wagon,dog and all,and stopped by the firehouse.The captain came out and said to the junior firemarshal,"hey, that sure is a beautiful firetruck".Thank you,"the girl said politely.
"Hey,you know something though?I think you could go faster if you took that rope and went around the dogs neck instead of where you have it."
"Yeah,"she said " but I wouldn't have a siren."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btcbk4/a_little_girl_lived_next_to_a_firehouse/
%
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d rather like to give you a second chance than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
On monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked about the weekend?
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 16 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Sixteen people? That’s wonderful what did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge, “and you, how did you do?” he said to the other person.
“Well, you honor, I persuaded 167 people to give up drugs forever.”
“167 people! That amazing! How did you mange to do that?” said the judge.”
“Well, I used a similar approach,” he says, while drawing to circles. He points to the smaller on and says,”This is you ass-hole before prison.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btcbja/two_young_guys_were_picked_up_by_the_cops_for/
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CHROMOSOMES

XX - Female
XY - Male
YYY - Delilah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btbyhs/chromosomes/
%
They are going to start taxing hitchhikers.

They are calling it a ThumbTax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btbxvi/they_are_going_to_start_taxing_hitchhikers/
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My first joke on this sub, hope you like it. I call it: Soldier's needs.

Soldiers serving time on a mission in the outskirts of a town close to some villages and right on the brink of a desert.
One day a new **commanding officer (CO later)** arrives tellin the soldiers he is gonna take over command of their squad. When he walks through their camp he notices they have a few donkeys tied to a poll and asks one of the soldiers to what purpose?
**Soldier:** Well Sir, you see, after a long time out here us men tend to have certain sexual needs, so you know we use what we get.
**CO:** Ow ("filled with disgust"). Do what you gotta do soldier! But nonetheless, at least build some sort of a stable for these donkeys and give them enough food and water.
Soldier: Yes Sir!
A few month passed and the **CO** also started to get some sexual urges. So one night while walking through the camp he asked one of the soldiers to accompany him towards the stables. Upon arriving at the donkey stable:
**CO:** Soldier I can't stand it anymore, I have so much sexual tension I have to release it. So you stand guard while I do the business!
**Soldier:** Will do Sir!
After a while....
**CO:** Well I got to say, these donkeys aren't so bad, all things considered. You got quite a good idea setting up these donkeys. So how did your first time feel?
**Soldier:** Well Sir, we use the donkeys to ride into town over to go to a brothel where we usually pay **women** for sex!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btbxkz/my_first_joke_on_this_sub_hope_you_like_it_i_call/
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Why are mules infertile?

Because they would be half-assed parents.
Credit to my friend Sean for that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btbv3q/why_are_mules_infertile/
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What did the Mexican fire chief name his two children

Jose and Hose-B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btbsdi/what_did_the_mexican_fire_chief_name_his_two/
%
The other day, I saw a rose making fun of a tulip that had a bump on it's stem, so I stepped on the rose.

I'm just doing my part to stop cyst stemic racism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btbhp1/the_other_day_i_saw_a_rose_making_fun_of_a_tulip/
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Mum, I'm already 14, can't I finally get a bra?!

NO Harold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btbfw9/mum_im_already_14_cant_i_finally_get_a_bra/
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How do you get 100,000 upvotes in Reddit?

Repost something from yesterday with no upvotes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btbboe/how_do_you_get_100000_upvotes_in_reddit/
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One day, a man saw a woman crying for help on the side of the road.

As the man approached the hysterical woman, he
notices a child on the floor gasping for air. He quickly
springs into action and immediately administers CPR
to the young child. Finally, a quarter shoots out of the
child’s throat.
The pleased woman asks, “Are you a doctor, a surgeon?!?”
“No” the man says sheepishly, “I work for the IRS.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btba6u/one_day_a_man_saw_a_woman_crying_for_help_on_the/
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What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btb4p6/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_a_rectal/
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My friend invited me to a party in Korea

Didn’t know a Seoul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btb0za/my_friend_invited_me_to_a_party_in_korea/
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My parents treat me like a god...

...they don't believe in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btb0l7/my_parents_treat_me_like_a_god/
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"Dad? How long until we are in new york?"

"Shut up and keep swimming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btavcd/dad_how_long_until_we_are_in_new_york/
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What is the white stuff in birdshit?

Also birdshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btauqb/what_is_the_white_stuff_in_birdshit/
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs...

...anything you want. What's he gonna do about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btauj5/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_or_legs/
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A person with an engineering degree asks...

...how things work.
A person with a psychology degree asks why things work.
A person with an art degree asks, "would you like fries with that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btarju/a_person_with_an_engineering_degree_asks/
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I tried to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/btab9a/i_tried_to_force_feed_my_child/
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Where do cows shop online?

Amoozon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bta7dn/where_do_cows_shop_online/
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You know what the best part about vodka is?

40% of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bta5bm/you_know_what_the_best_part_about_vodka_is/
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What are an amphibians favorite kind of shoes?

Open-toad sandals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bta2z3/what_are_an_amphibians_favorite_kind_of_shoes/
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A man walks into a doctor's clinic and says, “I think I'm going rusty.”

The doctor takes a look and replies, “It seems you've developed a common metal disorder.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt9wnk/a_man_walks_into_a_doctors_clinic_and_says_i/
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Me: I’m scared of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell me why
Me: *screams*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt9tte/me_im_scared_of_the_backstreet_boys/
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My wife lost her voice for the past week...

It's the best our relationship has ever been!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt9s9e/my_wife_lost_her_voice_for_the_past_week/
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What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt9o94/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
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"Fucking kids are expensive!"

*"is."* replied my lawyer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt9i0l/fucking_kids_are_expensive/
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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his scrabble letters on the road. I asked him,

"What's the word on the street?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt9hzh/yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_spill_all_his_scrabble/
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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt9d1k/people_always_ask_where_i_got_my_incredibly/
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What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt9058/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_3_legs/
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Somebody once said that climbing Everest is a challenge...

But the bigger challenge would be to climb it and not tell anybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt8zn4/somebody_once_said_that_climbing_everest_is_a/
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What's worse than having ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt8y7v/whats_worse_than_having_ants_in_your_pants/
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My ophthalmologist told me I have a lazy eye

I am glad he didn’t discovered about the rest of my body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt8w06/my_ophthalmologist_told_me_i_have_a_lazy_eye/
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TIL that yesterday was National Missing Children's Day.

Parents of reddit, what are you doing with all of your new found freedom?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt8rwu/til_that_yesterday_was_national_missing_childrens/
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Don’t argue with the logic of a sonogram technician

It’s ultrasound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt8rmz/dont_argue_with_the_logic_of_a_sonogram_technician/
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Women used to chase after me...

then I stopped snatching their purses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt8nvc/women_used_to_chase_after_me/
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My GF has changed a lot since she became vegan

It's like I've never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt8nql/my_gf_has_changed_a_lot_since_she_became_vegan/
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On my visit to Chicago, the weather forecast said it was muggy.

The forecaster was right. I went outside and someone stole my shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt8etn/on_my_visit_to_chicago_the_weather_forecast_said/
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Double standards are disgusting and they should no longer exist

I have a female friend who slept with a bunch of dudes and now everybody says she is a slut.
One of my buddies did the same thing a couple of years ago and now everybody says he is gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt8c6s/double_standards_are_disgusting_and_they_should/
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What was Ned Stark's favorite part of the morning?

Raisin' Bran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt8bgb/what_was_ned_starks_favorite_part_of_the_morning/
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Attila's Legend.

There is a little known legend about Attila the hun.
It goes like this...Attila was known to be very fond of dangerous wild animals. He used to collect all these exotic animals that he came across in his conquests. His favorite was a big ferocious snake. He was so fond of it that he used to bring it with him everywhere. But his snake lost its appetite perhaps due to stress the frequent travelling. So Attila, wishing to save his prized pet, sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. But unfortunately they could not help him.
One day a wizened sage came to him and told him to feed the serpent only young female virgins.
Attila was pleased with this idea and was delighted to find that the city he raided just happened to a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food.
But the snake refused to eat or even touch the consecrated virgins. Enraged, Attila ordered to have the sage executed.
Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and a woman to me."
Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.
"Now hold this with both hands," he instructed.
Attila did so, and as soon as he did that, the snake let out a terrifying hiss and swallowed the virgin whole.
To an amazed Attila, the old man said,
"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt895u/attilas_legend/
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If mixing up my Vs and Bs makes me sound Russian...

...then soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt884m/if_mixing_up_my_vs_and_bs_makes_me_sound_russian/
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A guy wants to take his girlfriend on a romantic dinner date...

She recommends an unusual restaurant that just opened: you have to wait in line for every food item you want.
Like a gentlemen, the man waits in the myriad of food lines before him. He waits in the potato line, he waits in the chicken line, and even waits in a gravy line. He comes back after a while to find a very grumpy wife.
“What took you so long?” She asks in a bitter tone.
“Well I had to wait to get all the food, and the lines were rather long. But hey, know I have delicious food so let’s dig in!” Was his reply.
Sighing, she asks, “Bill where are the drinks?”
The guy puts is face in his hands, “How could I forget! I’ll get them now.” He gets up and decides to go to the “Drink Section” for the perfect liquid in which to quench his wife’s thirst. He then remembers their first date: it was a cool, summer night and they sipped refreshing Hi-C. With that thought in mind, he tries to find some sort of punch bowl among the lines of people. He passes the wine line, the orange juice line, and even the Mountain Dew line. Exasperated he realizes that there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt80ml/a_guy_wants_to_take_his_girlfriend_on_a_romantic/
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A old married couple is laying in bed

The old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt7v2w/a_old_married_couple_is_laying_in_bed/
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Raincoat

A lady was having an affair.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'OMG hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out of  the window.'
Guy: 'It's raining out there.'
Lady: 'If my husband catches us, he'll kill us.'
He jumps out of the window.
As he ran down the street in the rain, he discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's marathon.
He started running along with the others, 300 of them.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied. 'It feels so wonderfully free.'
Another runner: 'Do you always run carrying clothes under your arm?'
'Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and go home' he answered.
A 3rd runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope. Only when it's raining.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt7pat/raincoat/
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Play Ball!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball up there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb!”
“Who is it?”, asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb, it’s me…Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s softball in heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching on Tuesday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt7mt1/play_ball/
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My crush gave me a kiss

It was chocolate-filled, and not caramel, for those wondering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt7kmn/my_crush_gave_me_a_kiss/
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Two men were talking at a Bachelor party

The first man says to the other "Did you know that, statistically, one in twenty men are gay?  I wonder which one it is?"
The other man said, "I hope it's Jeff, he's cute"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt7e1y/two_men_were_talking_at_a_bachelor_party/
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To the guy who stole my antidepressants

I hope you’re happy now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt7clf/to_the_guy_who_stole_my_antidepressants/
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A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.... [Dad Joke]

A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.
He decided that he needed them gone. As he was walking, he saw a man with a sign that said “Homeless vet. Need money.”
“Perfect,” he thought, and approached the veteran. They negotiated a deal, but the teen had no money - but, he figured, he would have money once the inheritance came through.
“Tell you what,” he said, “I can give you $10 now, but I’ll give you half my inheritance when it comes to me.”
“Yeah, okay,” said the vet.
“By the way, you can call me ‘John’.  What’s your name?”
“Well, my real name is Jürgen because I was born in Zurich, but most people find that too hard to say, so I mostly just go by ‘Army’.”
“Okay, Army, here’s the deal. My parents go to the 9:30 church service, and they usually go to the mall after. Can you get them in the store?” the teen asked, handing over a photo of the doomed couple.
“You bet”
Sunday came, and sure enough the parents were at the mall by 11:00. The vet followed them into the Dick’s Sporting Goods. Taking his trusty shank, he killed them both, but he was immediately caught by the security guard. Jürgen confessed everything.
The next day, the paper read “Swiss Army knifes 2/$10 at Dick’s”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt78e3/a_teenager_was_sick_and_tired_of_his_parents_dad/
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My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!

A farmer needed to castrate his bull.
After a search of many options including the local veternarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price.
The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks from the case and explains that he will go to the rear of the bull and with one brick in his left hand and the other one in his right he will smash the bull's testicles by banging the bricks together.
"Holy shit!" the farmer says "won't that hurt like hell?!!! "nah" the man says... "you just got to make sure you keep your thumbs on the outside"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt7782/my_dad_is_88_today_here_is_one_he_used_to_tell/
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St. Peter’s in a bad mood and decides today he’s only going to let people who died in really sad ways through the pearly gates.

The first man in line asks if he can go through, so St. Peter asks him “How did you die?” He says “Well, I was at work today when I had a sudden hunch that my wife was cheating on me. I quickly drove home, and went into my apartment. I walked inside and headed straight for my bedroom. There, I found my wife lying naked on the bed, but no man around. I quickly started searching my apartment to see where he was hiding. I was about to give up when I decided to check the balcony. When I did, I saw a man hanging over the edge of the balcony by his fingertips. I yelled “Found ya!” and punched his fingers till he lost his grip. He fell two stories but landed in a bush. Worried that he was still alive, I went inside, grabbed my refrigerator, and heaved it over the balcony over the bush. The exertion of lifting the fridge gave me a stroke, so I died.” St. Peter smiles, and agrees that qualifies as a unfortunate death. He lets the man through. The next man approaches and says “So I was doing gymnastics on my balcony when I lost my balance and fell off. I managed to catch myself on the balcony below me, but then some nutter punches my fingers till I fell! I landed in some bushes and survived the fall, but the next thing I know, a refrigerator falls on my head!” St. Peter laughs, and lets the man through. The next man comes. St. Peter asks “So how did you die?” “Picture this. I’m naked, hiding in a refrigerator...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt76qd/st_peters_in_a_bad_mood_and_decides_today_hes/
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There are only five types of fear.

1.Terror
2.Panic
3.14 missed calls from Mom
4.Username or password is incorrect
5."We need to talk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt71dp/there_are_only_five_types_of_fear/
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How does Pavlov's hair stay so soft?

He conditions it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt7182/how_does_pavlovs_hair_stay_so_soft/
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Only fifteen minutes

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?
"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".
She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt700o/only_fifteen_minutes/
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Did you guys hear about the guy that got kicked in the head by the horse

He’s in a stable condition now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt6zsr/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_guy_that_got_kicked/
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I hope Death is a woman.

She'll never come for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt6vo3/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
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What's the longest sentence in English?

Life imprisonment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt6rt7/whats_the_longest_sentence_in_english/
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What is pirate's cat favorite toy?

A ball of yarrrn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt6jey/what_is_pirates_cat_favorite_toy/
%
How do you determine the gender of an ant?

It's simple. Just put them in water:
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt6hcu/how_do_you_determine_the_gender_of_an_ant/
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The doctors say I don't know when to stop



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt6fbk/the_doctors_say_i_dont_know_when_to_stop/
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I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.

Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt6arc/i_got_chased_by_a_mugger_the_other_day_trying_to/
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click here if you want to join the peepee club

urine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt6a80/click_here_if_you_want_to_join_the_peepee_club/
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Teacher: How old is your father?

Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is that possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt6909/teacher_how_old_is_your_father/
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What does Budweiser and having sex in a canoe have in common?

They're both fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt673p/what_does_budweiser_and_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt672m/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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3 Boys in a classroom named Zip, Willy & Piss

The teacher left the room for a brief period of time so the boys decided to mess about.
Zip climbed on top of a cupboard, Willy decided to hide in the cupboard and piss was jumping across the tables.
The teacher came back whilst they were doing this and shouted “Zip down, Willy out, Piss in the corner!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt6720/3_boys_in_a_classroom_named_zip_willy_piss/
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A man standing on a bridge

There was a man standing on a bridge and shouting: “ 13! 13! 13!” So another man went to him and asked: “ Why are you shouting the number 13?” The man pushed him off the bridge into the river, and started shouting: “14! 14! 14!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt66zr/a_man_standing_on_a_bridge/
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My cousin tried to leave after talking shit about our dock on the lake.

I wasn't just going to let him dis a pier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt647h/my_cousin_tried_to_leave_after_talking_shit_about/
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A blonde goes shopping..

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv." The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes." So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv." Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv." But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked. The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt625t/a_blonde_goes_shopping/
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My daughter said she wanted to be independent

So I shrunk her down and put her in my locket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt60dw/my_daughter_said_she_wanted_to_be_independent/
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In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.
The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.
But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the fire extinguisher .... stares at the fire for some minutes, does some calculations in his head - air flow, humidity, thermodynamic whatever - and then - with one blow from the extinguisher at the right point the fire is out and he goes to sleep again.
But the fire breaks out again. The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, sees the extinguisher - aaaah, the problem is solvable ... and goes to sleep again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt5ywj/in_a_hotel_a_engineer_a_physicist_and_a/
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Seen one large indoor shopping center...

... seen a mall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt5yvg/seen_one_large_indoor_shopping_center/
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If someone has the Last Name "Smith" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith.

Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt5lln/if_someone_has_the_last_name_smith_then_that/
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My son (who is into astronomy) asked me “How do stars die?”

Being the intellectual I am I replied “Usually through an overdose”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt5jhr/my_son_who_is_into_astronomy_asked_me_how_do/
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt5jbs/what_lies_at_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_and_twitches/
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What do you call a dog that knows magic?

A Labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt5el3/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_knows_magic/
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My girlfriend gave me a blowjob on the treadmill

It was the greatest running gag ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt5b0y/my_girlfriend_gave_me_a_blowjob_on_the_treadmill/
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How much does it cost to keep a zombie well fed?

An arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt56wd/how_much_does_it_cost_to_keep_a_zombie_well_fed/
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Did you hear that Oxygen and magnesium were going out

I was like OMg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt4ykj/did_you_hear_that_oxygen_and_magnesium_were_going/
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I told my son you will marry the girl i choose, he said no!

I told him she is Bill Gates' daughter, he said ok.
I called Bill Gates and said I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said no, I told Bill Gates my son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said ok.
I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO he said no.
I told him my son is Bill Gates' son-in-law, he said ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt4yaf/i_told_my_son_you_will_marry_the_girl_i_choose_he/
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- So, do you have a lot of sex?

- Yeah, two full hard drives of 5TB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt4vyb/so_do_you_have_a_lot_of_sex/
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I recently placed a sugar cube for an ant

When he left to get the rest of the ants, I quickly removed the sugar cube. Now everyone else thinks he lied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt4txd/i_recently_placed_a_sugar_cube_for_an_ant/
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Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...

You've seen a maul!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt4qcf/once_youve_seen_one_lion_eat_a_giraffe/
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199 bugs in the code...

199 bugs!!!
You track one down.. Patch it out
248 bugs in the code!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt4o8x/199_bugs_in_the_code/
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I got a call from a total stranger. He was asking to meet me in the woods so that he could take a look at my penis.....

Weirdo never showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt4nit/i_got_a_call_from_a_total_stranger_he_was_asking/
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It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man.  ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt4mcc/its_the_world_cup_final_and_a_man_makes_his_way/
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The Religious Horse

David wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Jack.
"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Jack. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Thank God', and he stops when you say 'Help me God.'"
So David gets on the horse and practices. "Thank God" he says, and the horse breaks into a trot. "Help me God" he announces, and sure enough, the horse stops. After practicing a few times, he feels confident and begins his journey.
As he is riding along a road, he sees that the road ends up ahead with a steep cliff. Suddenly David realizes that he has forgotten the word needed to make the horse stop.
"Whoa" he squeaks, desperately. The horse keeps going.
"Um -  stop please" he yells.
But the horse keeps galloping.
Now fearful that he is about to die, David  screams out, "Help me God." As trained, the horse stops suddenly -- right at the edge of the cliff.
Shaking like a leaf, David  pulls out his handkerchief and wipes the sweat from his forehead. "Whew" he exclaims, "Thank God!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt4j67/the_religious_horse/
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Talking about a one-dimensional space isn't always productive

But it's usually not pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt4i06/talking_about_a_onedimensional_space_isnt_always/
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Imagine if the Titanic had a lisp.

It's unthinkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt4gz1/imagine_if_the_titanic_had_a_lisp/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt47u3/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Hey"
The horse replies "Sure"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt478v/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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I went to Florida yesterday and a cop asked me if I have a criminal record.

I said no, Is that still required?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3ufv/i_went_to_florida_yesterday_and_a_cop_asked_me_if/
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What’s the best thing about switzerland?

I don’t know but the flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3twh/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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[Spoiler] tag

>!you're it!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3ttt/spoiler_tag/
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So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime

And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3l7n/so_an_artist_a_mathematician_and_a_fisherman/
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A guy goes to confess...

"Father, yesterday I've been with 5 different woman."
"Squeeze 20 lemons and drink the juice" says the priest.
"This will free me from my sins?"
"Absolutely not, but it will take away that shit-eating grin from your face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3ic8/a_guy_goes_to_confess/
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This year my News Year’s resolution was to solve world hunger. My first step is to feed all the homeless

to bears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3i9e/this_year_my_news_years_resolution_was_to_solve/
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A man was walking home one night, when he suddenly heard a loud banging noise.

It was extremely scary, as it was night and almost everyone was asleep. As he turned around, he saw an upright casket, making its way towards, with a loud bash with every jump.
Alarmed, the man began to run, faster and faster, but so did the casket as it bounced its way towards him.
The man found his way to his house and locked his door, but the casket managed to break its way in.
Terrified, the man continued upstairs, where he locked himself in. Looking around for anything that could help him, anything at all, he grabbed a bottle of cough drops.
He listened as the casket made its way up the stairs. Clappity-bump. Clappity-bump. Clappity-bump.
Once again, it broke its way through the door. As a last hope, the man threw the bottle at the casket and...
The coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3hiu/a_man_was_walking_home_one_night_when_he_suddenly/
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When I said I wanted to be intellectually challenged...

I didn't mean I wanted you to smash me over the head with a baseball bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3hfj/when_i_said_i_wanted_to_be_intellectually/
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I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3g19/i_was_arrested_for_my_plot_to_steal_all_the/
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What’s the German word for “bra?”

Holdsemfromfloppin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3f38/whats_the_german_word_for_bra/
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Two fish are side by side in a tank

One looks to the other and asks. “How do you drive this thing”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3eje/two_fish_are_side_by_side_in_a_tank/
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Picked up a hitchhiker last night..

He said “how do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I said, “because the odds of two serial killers sitting in the same car are astronomical.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3dr4/picked_up_a_hitchhiker_last_night/
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I hate guys who wear UFC attire, like Tap Out gear. They think they're telling the world, I'm tough, don't mess with me.

But what they're really telling the world is I only get to see my kid every other weekend. I don't think that's anyone's business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3de5/i_hate_guys_who_wear_ufc_attire_like_tap_out_gear/
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After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.
For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3bk9/after_my_grandfather_died_i_inherited_some_of_his/
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Don’t wait until you’re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel.

You might be too weak to raise your middle finger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt3a4w/dont_wait_until_youre_on_your_deathbed_to_tell/
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Why won’t cannibals eat obese people after they have had sexual reassignment surgery?

Trans fats are bad for your health.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt39el/why_wont_cannibals_eat_obese_people_after_they/
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cat

I named my cat Brexit because it constantly remains near the door, but as soon as I open it, the cat refuses to go through the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt38fz/cat/
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There’s a strange new trend in my office.

People are naming food in the office refrigerator.
Today I had a turkey sandwich called Betty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt35dt/theres_a_strange_new_trend_in_my_office/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt32eq/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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Did you hear about the man who had a dog without any legs?

Yeah, he called him cigarette.
He takes him out every night for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt31y4/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_had_a_dog_without/
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I woke up to a blowjob today...

That’s the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt2z5d/i_woke_up_to_a_blowjob_today/
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If I masturbate with this marijuana infused lotion is it considered grassturbating?

Or maybe masturbaking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt2yjg/if_i_masturbate_with_this_marijuana_infused/
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Flat-Earthers always change what they say about the Flat Earth for their convenience. Luckily there aren't any other groups that do that.

Thank God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt2tsx/flatearthers_always_change_what_they_say_about/
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What shoes do child predators wear....

White vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt2rs7/what_shoes_do_child_predators_wear/
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What is a crack head's favorite song?

I wanna rock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt2pxx/what_is_a_crack_heads_favorite_song/
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90% of dogs in Korea are inbred...

I'm assuming that means like in a sandwich or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt2pv7/90_of_dogs_in_korea_are_inbred/
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Drunk guy makes a bet with the bartender

A drunk guy walks up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender denies him the drink so drunk guy says "well if I can't get a drink how about a bet?" The bartender replies "what kind of bet?" Drunk guy says "I'll bet you $300 I can pee across the counter and make it in that cup without spilling a drop" the bartender accepts the bet expecting him to fail. Drunk guy stands up on the counter and completely misses and doesn't make any in the cup. Drunk guy celebrates and hugs the bartender. Bartender says "you just lost why are you celebrating?" And drunk guy says "I just bet that gentleman $1000 that I would stand up and pee all over the counter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt2orh/drunk_guy_makes_a_bet_with_the_bartender/
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What was Jeffrey Dahmers favorite restaurant?

5 Guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt2oph/what_was_jeffrey_dahmers_favorite_restaurant/
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I was walking into Best buy...

I was walking into Best Buy when I saw a dwarf walking out carrying a flat screen TV. I asked him, "Are you going to be able to carry that TV by yourself?" He screams back, " Fuck you! It's an iPad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt2ivo/i_was_walking_into_best_buy/
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We've never seen an actual ninja win American Ninja Warrior.

But that doesn't mean it hasn't happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt2csa/weve_never_seen_an_actual_ninja_win_american/
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What do you call transsexuals with mutant superpowers?

Ex-Men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt2ay7/what_do_you_call_transsexuals_with_mutant/
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What do you call it when you poop in the dark

A spooky dookie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt2awy/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_poop_in_the_dark/
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I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...
## ︻╦╤─

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt2arx/i_never_understood_school_shooting_jokes/
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A Bunch Of Men Died In An Accident And Went To Heaven...

when they got there, God told them to line up at His right if in their lifetime, they had been head of their household, and at His left if they weren’t.
God was surprised to see that only one man was standing at His right, so He said, “All of you at My left, shamed you should be! A man should lead his house! Glory and honour I will shower upon the man who upholds his dignity. Speak, now, you at My right, tell these men how you led your household through times of darkness and despair, what qualifies you to stand at My right.”
The quivering man responded, “Have mercy, I don’t know! My wife told me to stand here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt28ep/a_bunch_of_men_died_in_an_accident_and_went_to/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is extremely heavy and one is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt27vz/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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It was take your child to work day, I asked my daughter and she was ecstatic to go.

I showed her around the office and introduced her to my co-workers, though she was polite a dissapointed expression filled her face during the course of the day.
Later we reached my workspace and she sat down on a chair with a frown and starred around the room.
Father: "What's the matter sweetheart"
Daughter: "Where are the clowns?"
Father: "Clowns?"
Daughter: "You told Mummy the other night you work with a bunch of clowns"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt27i1/it_was_take_your_child_to_work_day_i_asked_my/
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A priest and a permanently drunken bus driver from the same village come to the pearly gates and request entry to heaven.

St. Peter says to the priest " You wait two years," and to the bus driver, " You go straight in."
The priest protests, " How come? I have been preaching every Sunday for so many years - and he is nothing but a drunken bus driver."
St. Peter replies, "Listen, when you preached, they all slept, but when he drove, they all prayed like crazy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt24wg/a_priest_and_a_permanently_drunken_bus_driver/
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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts.

When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. Stalin then orders Zhukov brought back.
Moments later, Zhukov is back in the room facing Stalin.
"Comrade Zhukov," begins Stalin, "would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?"
"I said 'fucking asshole with a mustache' Comrade Stalin."
"And who were you referring to, Comrade Zhukov?"
"Why, Comrade Stalin, Hitler of course..."
Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev,
"And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did you think he was referring to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt24c7/at_the_height_of_wwii_on_the_eastern_front_a/
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I like to debate flat earthers

I will go to no ends to shut them up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt2425/i_like_to_debate_flat_earthers/
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Police were chasing two robbers

...who ran into a pharmacy jumped on to a scale and got a weigh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt23tx/police_were_chasing_two_robbers/
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Police have reported a man going into craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter

It's pretty nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt23ik/police_have_reported_a_man_going_into_craft/
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Jesus at the bar

A British guy with a hunch back walks into a bar, he sits down at the end of the bar and looks over and sees a man who looks like Jesus, he calls the bartender over and asks him "excuse me sir is that Jesus over there?", the bartender says "Why yes it is" the British man says bring him one of your finest beers and tell him it's on me"
A little while later a French man with a bum leg hobbled into the bar and struggles to sit down, he looks over and calls the bartender over and asks "excuse me sir is that Jesus over there?" the bartender says "why yes it is" the French man says "bring him a glass of your finest wine and tell him that it's on me"
A little while later a redneck comes in the bar hooting and hollering, he sits down and looks over and calls the bartender over and says "hey is that Gods boy over there?" the bartender says "why yes it is" the redneck says "get him some whiskey and tell him it's on me"
Jesus finishes up his drinks and gets up to leave, before he goes he walks up to the British man with the hunchback and says "For your kindness you are healed" Jesus touches his back and his hunchback completely goes away, after that he turns to French man with the bum leg and says "for your kindness you are healed" Jesus touches the French mans leg and it completely heals allowing him to properly walk
Just then the redneck jumps up and says "Don't you fucking touch me I'm getting disability!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt22us/jesus_at_the_bar/
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I mean being born on solid ground must be a really scary ordeal... terrifying...but imagine being born in the ocean...

now that's waterfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt22pm/i_mean_being_born_on_solid_ground_must_be_a/
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Terrible Business

Business had been terrible and was not picking up.
I had to fire somebody and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because both were super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover, after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
I approached her and said. "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off for now?" She replied. "I feel like shit.  If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime."
I had to let Jack go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt20o8/terrible_business/
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Recent survey revealed

6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt20cz/recent_survey_revealed/
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I know how to deal with all of the stupid antivax people!

Push them off the edge of the earth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt1xgg/i_know_how_to_deal_with_all_of_the_stupid_antivax/
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How tall is Kanye West?

Oh, about Ye high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt1p45/how_tall_is_kanye_west/
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NSFW I lost all my money investing in a 2 story brothel.

Too much fucking overhead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt1lu7/nsfw_i_lost_all_my_money_investing_in_a_2_story/
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A priest and a sailor are playing golf

on a beautifully sunny day. The sailor is on the green, takes his shot, misses, and says “god damnit I missed”. The priest immediately tells the sailor not to say the lords name in vain and the sailor apologizes. He then lines up his next shot, taps the ball a little too lightly and once again yells “god damnit I missed!” The priest, who is now getting visibly upset, tells the sailor that if he curses the lords name one more time, god will come out of the sky and strike the sailor down. So once again the sailor apologizes, lines up his shot, and actually misses for a third time. “God damnit I missed!” the sailor yells out. All of the sudden, dark clouds begin to form over the golf course and out of nowhere, the priest is struck by lightning. A voice echoing from the clouds yells out “god damnit I missed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt1jxl/a_priest_and_a_sailor_are_playing_golf/
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What do you get when 500 Jewish mothers convert to Catholicism?

Critical Mass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt1huk/what_do_you_get_when_500_jewish_mothers_convert/
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A guy walks into a bar with three ducks

The bartender says "sir you can't bring those ducks in here" the man says "but you don't understand these are talking ducks and are very rare" the bartender doesn't believe him so the man bets him a free drink that he can prove it, the man says he will go to the bathroom and the bartender can speak with the ducks himself,
The man goes to the bathroom and the bartender turns to the first duck and says "hello what is your name and how was your day?" the first duck says "hello my name is Huey and I had a wonderful day slipping in and out of Puddles"
The bartender is shocked and turns to the second duck and says "hello what is your name and how was your day?" the second duck says "hello my name is Dewey and I had a wonderful day slipping in and out of Puddles"
The bartender is speechless and turns to the third duck and says "let me guess your name is Louie and you also had a wonderful day slipping in and out of Puddles"
The third duck says "No my name is Puddles and I'd Rather not talk about my day"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt1akm/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_three_ducks/
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The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt19uj/the_women_i_meet_in_bars_have_the_worst_pickup/
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I’ve written a book about falling down a staircase

It’s a step by step guide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt18f8/ive_written_a_book_about_falling_down_a_staircase/
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What are the two sexiest animals on a farm?

Brown chicken brown cow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt17yy/what_are_the_two_sexiest_animals_on_a_farm/
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What happens to mermen if they have unprotected sex?

They get mermaids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt17xc/what_happens_to_mermen_if_they_have_unprotected/
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How does Mr. Miyagi masturbate?

Wax on. Whacks off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt14sj/how_does_mr_miyagi_masturbate/
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I'm working on a rap song about Drugs and Money

It's called "I can't afford that insulin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt1002/im_working_on_a_rap_song_about_drugs_and_money/
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"Have you not got a girlfriend?"

"No dad."
"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?
"No dad, not at all."
"Are you gay?"
"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt0ynx/have_you_not_got_a_girlfriend/
%
I took a trip to the JFK Presidential Library yesterday...

It was mind blowing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt0y01/i_took_a_trip_to_the_jfk_presidential_library/
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Due to turning into laundry detergent, I was unable to go to work today.

What can I say?  My hands were Tide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt0pcj/due_to_turning_into_laundry_detergent_i_was/
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[1st day as a cop] Captain: "why did you call for back up? " Me: "There was a fly in my car!"

Swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt0js4/1st_day_as_a_cop_captain_why_did_you_call_for/
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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt024n/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/
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How does a robotic Muslim pray?

Towards Mecha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bt0024/how_does_a_robotic_muslim_pray/
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Have you guys ever heard the term "ignorance is bliss?”

You know when I was younger i had no idea what it meant...and frankly those were the happiest days of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bszt3s/have_you_guys_ever_heard_the_term_ignorance_is/
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Recession beater.

Wife says to husband, "If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car."   He replies, "If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bszp4y/recession_beater/
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There once was a girl from Purdue

Who kept a young cat in a pew
She taught it to speak
Alphabetical Greek
But it never got farther than "Μμ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bszoma/there_once_was_a_girl_from_purdue/
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What do you call a dinosaur with a broken leg?

An owmilegisaur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bszg1j/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_with_a_broken_leg/
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Where did the builder buy his bricks from?

Wall-mart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bszcc2/where_did_the_builder_buy_his_bricks_from/
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You need to be aware of faulty underwear from the Ukraine.

Be careful, otherwise chernobyl fallout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsz88t/you_need_to_be_aware_of_faulty_underwear_from_the/
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A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next say, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a few nights, there he was. Proudly perched on top of the tree.
Soon, he was spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral : Bullshit might get you to the top but it won't keep you there.
NOTE : It's not mine. But i really found it worth sharing so kudos to whoever thought of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsz782/a_turkey_was_chatting_with_a_bull_i_would_love_to/
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At the beach on a summer day, you'll find many different swim techniques: backstroke, frontstroke, breaststroke, etc.

I, for one, am the master of the heat stroke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsz6nl/at_the_beach_on_a_summer_day_youll_find_many/
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How do you get a squirrel to like you?

Show him your nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsz5rf/how_do_you_get_a_squirrel_to_like_you/
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What did the aluminium say to Paul Simon?

You can call me Al

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsz25o/what_did_the_aluminium_say_to_paul_simon/
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After having a little nap, my wife told me of a dream she had where she walked into the bedroom to find me in bed with her sister having sex.

suddenly a shark came out from under the bed and ate me and her sister.
She said, “It’s funny how things can happen in dreams that wouldn’t happen in real life.”
I said, “Yeah, ridiculous…a shark under the bed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsyx7s/after_having_a_little_nap_my_wife_told_me_of_a/
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We are moving today and our movers are Russian

But they ain’t Rushin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsyu83/we_are_moving_today_and_our_movers_are_russian/
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Pig says oink, cow says moo. What does hostile takeover pigeon say?

Coup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsyt3n/pig_says_oink_cow_says_moo_what_does_hostile/
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Johnny was in the hospital.

Johnny was in the hospital, sitting on the bench. Johnny was here for an appointment.
As he waited he saw Alex come out crying.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I just had a blood test.
Johnny: So, were you scared?
Alex: No. But they cut my finger.
Upon hearing this, Johnny began to cry.
Alex: Why are you crying?
Johnny: I came here for a urine test!
(My first joke.Please give helpful comments so that I may improve.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsyq5i/johnny_was_in_the_hospital/
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Someone at work deliberately switched the buttons around on the elevator!

It’s wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsypbv/someone_at_work_deliberately_switched_the_buttons/
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A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsylub/a_jockey_is_about_to_enter_an_race_on_a_new_horse/
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A boy approached his mother and asked about his name.

He asked, “Mom, why am I named Leif?”
His mother replied with, “Because when you were a baby a leaf fell on your head.” Satisfied with the answer he left to go play.
A few minutes later the boys sister approached the mom and asked, “ Mom, why am I named Rosie?”
Her mother replied with, “ Because when you were a baby a rose fell on your head.” Satisfied with the answer she left to go play.
A few minutes later the third child approached his mother and screamed, “MOAUU, WAAUA ME NAM FOROUDEG??!?!
The mother replied with, “Shut up fridge.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsyli9/a_boy_approached_his_mother_and_asked_about_his/
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Two drunks are walking down the railroad tracks...

Two drunks are walking down the railroad tracks.
One turns to the other and says, "This is the longest set of stairs I've ever been on."
Drunk two replies, "It's not the length, it's these low handrails that are killing me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsyj4m/two_drunks_are_walking_down_the_railroad_tracks/
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What did the monk say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything!
So the vendor makes a dog with the works and gives it to the monk.
The monk hands the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor pockets it and starts serving other customers.
The monk says wait, where is my change?
Vendor: change comes only from within.
(Tribute to the late Christopher Hitchens)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsyajq/what_did_the_monk_say_to_the_hot_dog_vendor/
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Why does Burger King exist?

So that he and Dairy Queen can live in the White Castle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsy6yy/why_does_burger_king_exist/
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Why did the Eskimo quit the soccer team?

Idk I guess he just wasn't inuit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsy6vv/why_did_the_eskimo_quit_the_soccer_team/
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So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."
So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don't beat my cow."
And people go nuts for it. They love Juan. They vote in the election and Juan wins in a landslide. So now Juan is a city council member and he's doing a great job. He fixes potholes and helps local schools. Someone suggests he runs for mayor since he's so well liked. Juan thinks: "Yeah I'm doing a great job I should run for mayor."
So Juan runs for mayor. He thinks: "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" and he uses his slogan from the last election. "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don't beat my cow."
And people go nuts for it. They love Juan. They vote in the election and Juan wins in a landslide. So now Juan is the mayor and he's doing a great job. He lowers taxes and fixes traffic lights. Someone suggests he runs for governor since he's so well liked. Juan thinks: "Yeah I'm doing a great job I should run for governor."
So Juan runs for governor using the slogan : "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don't beat my cow."
And people go nuts for it. They love Juan. They vote in the election and Juan wins in a landslide. So now Juan is the governor and he's doing a great job. He brings more tourism to the state and repaves highways. Someone suggests he runs for congress since he's so well liked. Juan thinks: "Yeah I'm doing a great job I should run for congress."
So Juan runs for congress using the slogan : "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don't beat my cow."
And people go nuts for it. They love Juan. They vote in the election and Juan wins in a landslide. So now Juan is in congress and he's doing a great job. He's getting bills passed and reaching across the aisle. Someone suggests he runs for president since he's so well liked. Juan thinks: "Yeah I'm doing a great job I should run for president."
So Juan runs for president using the slogan : "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don't beat my cow."
And people go nuts for it. They love Juan. So much so, that Juan's opponent in the presidential race tells the public to vote for Juan. Juan wins in a landslide and now he's the president. But this time he's not doing such a good job. He's not making good deals with foreign countries, taxes go up, and there's road closures everywhere. The public turns on Juan and they're looking for anything to use against him.
The pressure gets to Juan.
One day he comes home and his wife hasn't made dinner yet and he gets so mad, he gets so angry, he gets so upset...
That he beats his wife.
And just as he realizes what he's done, his kids come running into the kitchen yelling and screaming and he gets so mad, he gets so angry, he gets so upset...
That he beats his kids.
And he realizes what he's done and goes to see his cow to calm down. He starts to milk his cow, remembering simpler days when he was just a farmer in a small town. And just as he's about to finish filling the bucket with milk, the cow kicks it over. He gets so mad, he gets so angry, he gets so upset...
That he beats his cow.
And he's so disappointed in himself. He's let down his wife, his kids, his cow, and his country.
Well one of the White House staff see this and leaks it to the press. The public is livid. They hate Juan. He lied to them! He does beat his wife! He does beat his kids! He does beat his cow! They cry for impeachment. Juan decides to hold a press conference to address the nation.
Juan gets up on stage to make his speech when someone in the crowd yells "Down with Juan!" and shoots him with a golf gun.
Not sure what a golf gun is, but it sure put a hole in Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsy4ec/so_this_farmer_named_juan_wants_to_run_for_city/
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Employeer: So what's your greatest weakness?

Me: I always celebrate prematurely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsy12o/employeer_so_whats_your_greatest_weakness/
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Officer: “I’m sorry to say sir, but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus.”

Me: “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxzz1/officer_im_sorry_to_say_sir_but_it_looks_like/
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Dr Dre may not be a real medic but...

...he's performed hundreds of hip hop orations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxxbe/dr_dre_may_not_be_a_real_medic_but/
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What is Kim Jong Un’s favorite game to play?

Rocket League

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxxaf/what_is_kim_jong_uns_favorite_game_to_play/
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Smart man

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a t decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it. e first girlfriend went out and got herself est, he a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent he money so I could look pretty for you be cause I love you so much." The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much. The third woman took the $5,000 and in- vested it in the stock market, doubled her in- vestment, returned $5,000 to the man and re- invested the rest. She said, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends and then he decided to marry the on the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxx9h/smart_man/
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Blonde joke

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna here a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender is blonde, the bouncer in blonde, I’m a 6” tall 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6”2 weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player the fella to your right is 6”5 pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it mister do you really want to tell that joke?
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxwia/blonde_joke/
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A husband arrives home at 3 AM

His wife is waiting. Furious.
"Where have you been?"
"Honey I know you wouldn't believe me, but I was at work"
" 'till 3 AM??"
"And since I knew you wouldn't believe me - I brought my boss to explain everything"
In comes the husband's boss:
"Hi, Umm.. yes, I asked your husband to stay working late because there was a very important deal he had to oversee. And so he did. He worked until 1 O'clock"
"Until 1? It's 3 O'clock already. What did you do between 1 and 3?"
"Honey, I swear. The moment I finished my work, I took a cab to get home, but unfortunately we had traffic"
"Seriously? Traffic in the middle of the night?"
"And since I knew you wouldn't believe me - I brought the cab driver to explain everything"
In comes the cab driver:
"Hi, yes. We were stuck because there was a protest en route. So, we had to wait until the protest was over. About 45 minutes"
"So what happened between 1:45 and 3:00?"
The husband answered: "We were on our way, when suddenly we saw a woman laying on the ground on the side of the road, screaming in pain. She hurt her leg, so we had to take her to the hospital"
"Yes, that's indeed what's happened" - The cab driver confirmed.
"You're joking, right?!" The wife was maddened with disbelief.
In comes a woman on crutches:
"Hello Mrs. I just wanted to tell you what an incredible person your husband is. You see I was taking a stroll and hit an electric poll with my leg. Your husband came for help: took me on his hands, placed me in the cab and took me to the hospital where he waited with me a whole hour until I received treatment."
"Yes, that's indeed what's happened" - The cab driver confirmed.
"An hour? So what happened in the remaining 15 minutes?"
"Oh, I gave him a blowjob" The woman replied
"Yes, that's indeed what's happened" - The cab driver confirmed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxsrd/a_husband_arrives_home_at_3_am/
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Dan returns home from work when he finds his wife in bed with another man

He locks them in the bedroom from outside while he tries to calm himself down and figure out what to do in the situation. He ultimately decides that while he may eventually forgive his wife, he cannot let the man go and so Dan decides to beat the shit out of him. He steps into the storeroom for a minute to find a suitable weapon, but to his dismay his wife and the man are both gone when he unlocks the bedroom door. From the open window sill, he deduces that they must have escaped through it. The fact that his wife decided to run away with the guy infuriates Dan even more, and he swears revenge on them both.
Dan asks around and finds out that the man has been visiting his house regularly for the last few months. After poking around some more, he comes to know that the man his wife ran away with is a manager at the grocery store that is in their neighborhood. Dan decides to track them both down and teach them a lesson. He chases them far and wide, all over the country. They've been staying at motels, and he's always a few days late in getting to them - they're already gone by the time he arrives. Yet, he bides his time - he knows their money has to run out soon.
Finally, one day Dan's chase leads him to a motel called "eslaf swen". As is usual, he asks the manager if he's seen his wife (he shows a picture) and a man. The manager tells him that yes, the couple had been there, but left a few days ago. And he had overheard them say something about a brothel over in the town a few miles away. Dan deduces that their money must have run out, and they must be planning to make some at the brothel. Filled with disgust, Dan makes his way to the brothel.
On arriving at the brothel, he finds that there is one particular door outside which there's a long queue of men. He asks the pimp about the reason for that.
Pimp: "We have only had Mexican prostitutes in our establishment so far. First time ever, a blonde walked in a few days ago and offered herself! Easiest money of my life, everyone's lining up to fuck her!"
Dan is incensed because he knows exactly who the fuck is behind that door.
Dan: "Did she come in here with a man? Where did the man go?"
Pimp: "Oh yes she came with a guy alright, he just sits inside and collects the money, we split it at the end of the day."
By this point, Dan has lost it.
Dan: "I've come a long way over a long time, searching for that woman and that man. I'm going to fuck them up pretty bad."
Pimp: "I'm sorry, I don't think these men will let you get in the way of their fun."
Dan: "Then I'll beat each and everyone of them up too".
The pimp replies, "Whoa man you can't do that, it's just not funny if you've come a long way and you go ahead and punch up the fuckline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxpz2/dan_returns_home_from_work_when_he_finds_his_wife/
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A farmer counted 196 cows in his farm

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxomh/a_farmer_counted_196_cows_in_his_farm/
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My phone was stolen last night. So I decided to call my own number.

\*ringing\*
\*ringing\*
**Voice:** "Hello?"
**Me:** “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money… but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you return my phone now, that will be the end of it – I will not look for you, I will not pursue you… but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you… and I will kill you!”
\*long pause\*
**Voice:** “Uh… This is the bartender from O’Malleys. You must have left your phone here last night. You can come in and pick it up whenever you want…”
**Me:** “Oh, right… Thanks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxlyo/my_phone_was_stolen_last_night_so_i_decided_to/
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What's worse than getting raped by Jack the ripper?

Getting fingered by Edward Scissor Hands (I originally heard it as Capt. Hook but thought this sounded better)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxl9o/whats_worse_than_getting_raped_by_jack_the_ripper/
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were atleast sevens or eights."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxl5g/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_shed_ever/
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A man heard a voice in his head

A man came hime from work and was tired. As he was falling asleep, he heard a voice in his head. "Quit your job, sell your house, take the money and go to Vegas". He didn't think much of it and just went to sleep.
The next few days, he heard the same voice in his head say the same thing. "Quit your job, sell your house, take the money and go to Vegas." This time he thought he was being pranked on, and searched his whole house for the source of the voice, but foumd nothing. He kept hearing the voice for 2 months, so he decided to finally go for it. He quit his job, sold his house, took the money and booked a flight.
When he landed in Vegas, he heard the voice say "Go to the Golden Nuggets casino." He decided to obey, since he's come this far. He stepped inside the casino and the same voice said "Go to the roulette table". He walked to the roulette table and sat down, visibly nervous, yet relieved. The voice said "Take all your money and put it on black 16." The man took a deep breath and decided to go for it. The dealer took the money and spun the ball. The ball kept rolling and rolling and rolling. The man was sweating and thought to himself "Maybe this wasn't smart, what if I lose everything?!" The ball rolled and rolled and finally landed. It was 21. The voice in the man's head said "FUCK!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxki6/a_man_heard_a_voice_in_his_head/
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What kind of social media does Thanos use?

Snapchat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxi9m/what_kind_of_social_media_does_thanos_use/
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Shout out to the people...

who want to know the opposite of ‘in’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxha6/shout_out_to_the_people/
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What do you call off-brand Viagra?

Hard candy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxexo/what_do_you_call_offbrand_viagra/
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An ant gets a job at Starbucks

That's it, that's the ant-hire joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxcyq/an_ant_gets_a_job_at_starbucks/
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How do you keep your dog from barking in the backseat?

Put him in the front seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxbe4/how_do_you_keep_your_dog_from_barking_in_the/
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There was a kid in our class named Ed who always drank soda so we called him Fizz Ed

We later shortened it to Jim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxadi/there_was_a_kid_in_our_class_named_ed_who_always/
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The same image comes to most people's heads when someone say speakers.

Stop with the stereotypes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsxacb/the_same_image_comes_to_most_peoples_heads_when/
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Crow joins two other feasting on a dead rat...

says - a murder, eh?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsx6c4/crow_joins_two_other_feasting_on_a_dead_rat/
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When life gives you lemons...

Turn them into melons.
Dr. Boobjob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsx40n/when_life_gives_you_lemons/
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What is it called when Jamie pushed Bran down the tower?

King’s Landing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsx2qz/what_is_it_called_when_jamie_pushed_bran_down_the/
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Russian computer: Please enter password

Me: Beef_stew
Russian computer: Password not stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsx0mu/russian_computer_please_enter_password/
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a  huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd  have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later  the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The  Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He  responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only  one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my  head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing  to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I  pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our  sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He  bested me at every move and I could not continue!'
Meanwhile,  the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't  have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three  days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me  that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we  were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...'  said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bswzvf/several_centuries_ago_the_pope_decreed_that_all/
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Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bswx7o/wife_told_husband_after_you_finish_watering_the/
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Why's the musician standing at the side of the road with a tuner?

His tire is flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bswwby/whys_the_musician_standing_at_the_side_of_the/
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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”
“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”
“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”
I was equally outraged.
“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife
Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.
“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth..”
“Oh, gross!” they shrieked
“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.
“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.
“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.
“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.
“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.”
“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.
“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.
“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.
“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
“So, Ernie’s just . just . . . excited,” my wife offered.
“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. ‘”t’s just .that . .I’m picturing you pulling on its . … . its. . . teeny little . . ”
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.
“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bswug4/just_after_dinner_one_night_my_son_came_up_to/
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What does a wheel wear

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bswu3s/what_does_a_wheel_wear/
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What do you call a prostitute mathematician?

A thot that counts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bswrz9/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_mathematician/
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A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."
He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down to earth. You can gather up anything you want, and whatever you can fit in this briefcase you can bring with you into heaven.
As the man is walking around back on earth, he takes a moment to think what he wants to fill the briefcase with. He's drawn to the hundreds of millions of dollars he made over his lifetime, but he knows there's no way it will all fit.
As he's thinking, he passes a store with a huge sign saying "WE BUY GOLD," and he has an idea. If they buy gold, they probably sell it to. "I can fit a lot more worth of gold in my briefcase than of cash," he thinks.
First, he goes to his bank and withdraws all of his money. He then goes to the store and buys out all of the gold they have. The $20 million of gold bars only fills the briefcase a little more than half full. He then hurries over to another store with a "WE BUY GOLD" sign and buys them out of the $10 million of gold bars they have.
As the sun begins to set on his last day on earth, the man finds one last store and buys $8 million more of gold bars, filling his briefcase to the brim.
He sits down on the curb to rest, proud of how smart he is, thinking to fill the briefcase with gold, letting him bring $38 million into heaven.
As the last rays of the sun slip below the horizon, he is transported back to the gates of heaven where St. Peter meets him and asks to see what he brought.
Beaming with pride, the man opens the briefcase, showing Peter the rows of gold bars with millions.
St. Peter looks at the bars for a moment, then stares at the man incredulously and asks,
"Paving stones?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bswm0d/a_wealthy_businessman_dies_and_is_standing_in/
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Alvin was in prison (long)

He knew that all incoming and outgoing mail is screened. Alvin got a letter from his wife that said "Is it the right time to plant potatoes?"
Alvin sent a letter back: "Do not, under any circumstances, dig up the old garden, that is where I hid the bank money"
Two weeks later his wife wrote him: "Six sheriff's deputies came to the house and dug up every inch of the back yard".
Alvin wrote back: "Now is the time to plant potatoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bswkt9/alvin_was_in_prison_long/
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As a young boy I never liked being around my priest.

It just left a bad taste in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bswb77/as_a_young_boy_i_never_liked_being_around_my/
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There are 3 types of people

Those who can count, and those who can’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bswb5o/there_are_3_types_of_people/
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Why did the anti vax mom not take her teenage son to a concert?

She was afraid of the heavy metal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsw95c/why_did_the_anti_vax_mom_not_take_her_teenage_son/
%
How does Jesus make coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsw88l/how_does_jesus_make_coffee/
%
Opinions are like assholes

In that I wish that my wife would pay more attention to mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsw7x0/opinions_are_like_assholes/
%
Little joke my younger brother once pulled/said to me.

He comes home from school all excited and says
"Hey Ace, have you ever seen the clown that hides from stupid people?"
Me just kind of ignoring him but catching on to what he says to late I reply "nope"
He says "yeah I didn't think you would see him."
Damn Little kids man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsw6a6/little_joke_my_younger_brother_once_pulledsaid_to/
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Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”

Because every play has a cast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsw1py/why_do_we_tell_actors_to_break_a_leg/
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I didn’t understand why everyone gave me a dirty look when I called the two girls hipsters...

Apparently the proper term is “conjoined twins”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsvzje/i_didnt_understand_why_everyone_gave_me_a_dirty/
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My girlfriend got a new tattoo..

It's of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear up to it you can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsvry5/my_girlfriend_got_a_new_tattoo/
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- Excuse me, is that your phone flashlight?

- Yes, why?
- I want another gynecologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsvqc8/excuse_me_is_that_your_phone_flashlight/
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An English, Irish and a Scottish man walk into a bar

They each order a beer and as it arrives a fly falls into each of their glasses.
The Englishman pushes the glass away and demands a new one.
The Scotsman throws the fly out and takes a sip.
The Irishman grabs the fly, starts shaking it over the glass and yells: "Spit it out, spit it out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsvq6c/an_english_irish_and_a_scottish_man_walk_into_a/
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Self-deprecating jokes never get old

Unlike me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsvp7y/selfdeprecating_jokes_never_get_old/
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You know what really brings the child out of someone?

An abortion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsvo0o/you_know_what_really_brings_the_child_out_of/
%
If you wanna find the gender of an ant, put it in water.

If it drowns, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsvmi5/if_you_wanna_find_the_gender_of_an_ant_put_it_in/
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Three scientists want to know how long can an organism live without shitting

They try to test it with a pig, so they put a plug in his butthole and start feeding him for days.
The first two weeks the pig is ok, but the third week the scientists see that the pig has become very very fat, so they decide to remove the plug from his ass.
The problem is they don't know how to do it safely, so they decide to train a monkey to remove it.
A week later, the pig is much fatter and the monkey is reasy to remove the plug. One of the scientists is 10 meters away from the pig, other is 20 meters away and the last one is 50 meters away.
The scientists shout at the monkey and it removes the plug from the pig's butt. Suddenly, a huge shit stream comes out of the pig's ass.
After 5 minutes of shitting, the scientist that was 50 meters away has his knees covered by shit. The one that was 20 meters away is covered by shit until his neck, and the one that was just 10 meters away from the pig is covered entirely. When the other two scientists go to help him, they find him laughing, and they ask:
"Why are you laughing?"
"You should have seen the monkeys face!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsvlsm/three_scientists_want_to_know_how_long_can_an/
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Why don’t women like massages more?

It’s always “ who are you? “ and “ how did you get in my house ? “. Ugh, ungrateful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsvi31/why_dont_women_like_massages_more/
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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsvgfk/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
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What did the monk say to the pizza clerk?

Make me one with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsvcpr/what_did_the_monk_say_to_the_pizza_clerk/
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Have you guys heard about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsvcfp/have_you_guys_heard_about_the_restaurant_on_the/
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What do you call an animal that has eaten too much?

A stuffed animal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsvbdr/what_do_you_call_an_animal_that_has_eaten_too_much/
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Why did the blonde go through a hole bottle of shampoo while taking a shower?

The directions said lather,rinse,repeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsv81t/why_did_the_blonde_go_through_a_hole_bottle_of/
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Number 6 compares himself to number 8.

They're pretty even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsv613/number_6_compares_himself_to_number_8/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.
(Think about it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsv2yc/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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Scientists discovered that death is actually caused by moss buildup in veins, which stops the flow of blood.

This is why Keith Richards is still alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsv21c/scientists_discovered_that_death_is_actually/
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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? 🦜

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsuyn8/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
“Mommy, why did you name me rose?”

“Because when you were born and we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head. So we names you rose.”
“Is that why little brother is named leaf?”
“Yes, it is”
“Blaaaarghhhh-ddsdbbbb-beeebbbleeee”
“Shut up brick”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsuy10/mommy_why_did_you_name_me_rose/
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I caught my son masturbating to the bible.

We had to have a come to jesus meeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsuqy0/i_caught_my_son_masturbating_to_the_bible/
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The Swede with 2 assholes

A Swede and 2 Norwegians live in Austrailia and takes an after-work-beer everyday.
One day one of the Norwegians says:
Norwegian 1: Did you know Swedes have 2 assholes?!
Norwegian 2: No
Norwegian 1: They have! The bartender always says ”here comes the Swede with 2 assholes”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsuqc1/the_swede_with_2_assholes/
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What do you call a donut with no holes?

A dnut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsumce/what_do_you_call_a_donut_with_no_holes/
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I’m terrified of the vertical axis

Therapist: Why?
Me: [Screams]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsuko4/im_terrified_of_the_vertical_axis/
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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performance on a scale from 1 to 10

Last night we tried anal and she kept screaming 9. It's the best I ever did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsue4n/my_german_girlfriend_likes_to_rate_my_sexual/
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My father just told me the worst dad joke ever

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?  Elifino..
It was so stupid it actually made me laugh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsu9e2/my_father_just_told_me_the_worst_dad_joke_ever/
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And god said to John "Come forth, and I will grant you with eternal life."

But John came 5th and won a toaster instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsu7fq/and_god_said_to_john_come_forth_and_i_will_grant/
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A boy shows his new iPhone X to a friend....

The friend is jealous and asked him: "Where did you get it?"
To that the boy replies: "I won it in a race"
The friend, intrigued asks: "Against whom?"
To that the boy replies again: "The phone's owner and two police officers....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bstybp/a_boy_shows_his_new_iphone_x_to_a_friend/
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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Australian man were out hunting one day

The Irishman comes back one day with a huge Bear and the others ask him how he got it.
The Irishman replied “find tracks, follow tracks find bear.”
The next day the Englishman comes back with an even bigger bear and gives the same answer.
“Find tracks, follow tracks, find bear”
The next day ,the Australians comes back with cuts and bruises and a broken arm. The others ask him what happened
He replied “found tracks, followed tracks, got hit by a train.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsts0n/an_irishman_an_englishman_and_a_australian_man/
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I got robbed by robbers while driving my car the other day.

I guess you can call them the pirates of the car-I-be-in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bstpkw/i_got_robbed_by_robbers_while_driving_my_car_the/
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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bstofp/our_whole_family_is_really_worried_about_my/
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Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at?

The second hand store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bstj82/where_did_captain_hook_buy_his_hook_at/
%
What do basic, white girls from the backwoods get at Starbucks?

Bumpkin spice lattes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bstiui/what_do_basic_white_girls_from_the_backwoods_get/
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Christian Joke

They say that when you die you become closer to God
Because you no longer fucking exist, right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bst79m/christian_joke/
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Why is every gender equality officer a female

Because it is cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bst66c/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_a_female/
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Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bssxmv/someone_told_me_that_if_you_hold_a_shell_up_you/
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A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arms.

"Where did you get that disgusting creature?" exclaimed the barman.
To which the pig replied "I won him in a raffle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bssutf/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_pig_under_his_arms/
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate potatos before they were cool
Why was he eating potato's?
Because they were underground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsst3r/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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Father's gay son

Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to pour him 3 shots of vodka.
Bartender asks "everything ok?"
Guy says "just found out my youngest son is gay!"
Next day guy walks in and asks for 3 glasses of vodka
Bartender asks "everything ok?"
Guy says "just found out my oldest son is gay!"
Next day guy walks in and asks for all the vodka in the bar
Bartender says "doesnt anyone in your family like women?"
Guy says "yeah, my wife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsss4n/fathers_gay_son/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger at the age of seventy one is to star in a new Terminator film later this year,

They have changed his catchphrase slightly though, to...
"Ah, me back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bssq22/arnold_schwarzenegger_at_the_age_of_seventy_one/
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Crimes in elevators

Is wrong on so many different levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bssp5o/crimes_in_elevators/
%
If you ever own a Tesla and it gets stolen...

Then it's called an Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bssnk1/if_you_ever_own_a_tesla_and_it_gets_stolen/
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In 1994, a zoologist named Mark Fisher was on holiday

in Zambia, Southern Africa,  after graduating from Oxford University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mark approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mark worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mark stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mark never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mark was walking through the New York Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mark and his son James were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mark, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1994, Mark could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mark summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mark's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
It probably wasn’t the same elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsshf6/in_1994_a_zoologist_named_mark_fisher_was_on/
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Is it possible for a lesbian couple to live together in Saudi arabia?

Yes! By marrying the same man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bssgv0/is_it_possible_for_a_lesbian_couple_to_live/
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Why can't Mexicans cross the border in threes?

No trespassing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bssg77/why_cant_mexicans_cross_the_border_in_threes/
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I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

My next shit might spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bssf3u/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_scrabble_tiles/
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Me:What's the difference between a child and a prostitute

Friend: I don't know
Me: You sick bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsseh5/mewhats_the_difference_between_a_child_and_a/
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What's similar between a thong and Donald Trump's hair?

Both barely cover the asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bssaat/whats_similar_between_a_thong_and_donald_trumps/
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I’m running a seminar tomorrow on multiple personalities.

Please arrive early to fill out your name tags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bss6v5/im_running_a_seminar_tomorrow_on_multiple/
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Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”
“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.
“Just give the dog one sniff between your legs, and he’ll go fetch them for you.”
Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog took off toward the station.
Twenty minutes later they heard sirens.
Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with police cars in pursuit – and the superintendent’s balls in his mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bss5sk/police_officer_george_with_his_duty_partner_woman/
%
Never trust atoms

They make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bss3jg/never_trust_atoms/
%
Why are white girls so odd?

Because they literally can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bss2qp/why_are_white_girls_so_odd/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsrz1c/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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A night of drunken sex cost the Chinese man his relationship.

He woke up and realised: it's not Yu, it's Mi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsrxi0/a_night_of_drunken_sex_cost_the_chinese_man_his/
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Matt Damon, George Clooney, and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together...

Matt Damon says I'll act.  George Clooney says I'll produce.  Matthew McConaughey says I'll write I'll write I'll write.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsrxc3/matt_damon_george_clooney_and_matthew_mcconaughey/
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A man has been getting progressively fatter and decides he needs to change.

He sees an advertisement that claims it'll help you lose 6 lbs in 3 days. With nothing to lose except 6 lbs he calls up the company and says hell give it a try. When he wakes up the next morning he hears a knock on the door and opens it to discover a topless brunette standing there. Smiling cheekishly she said she's day one and that she's gonna run around the city and if you can catch me you can do whatever you want to me. He chases her all day long but to no avail other than the fact he lost a pound. He is awakened next morning to another knock on the door. This time he finds a completely naked blond standing there and she offers similar terms saying if he catches her he can do whatever he wants. He again fails to catch her as he chases her around the city but he does lose 2 lbs. He goes to bed exhausted but excited with dreams of redheads amping him up for tomorrow. The next morning he jumps out of bed at the knock on his door and barely containing his excitement he throws open the door. The biggest black man he's ever seen is standing on the other side with a wide grin on his face. Here's the deal, he says. I get to chase you around the city today and if I catch you I can do whatever I want to you. Needless to say the man lost 3 lbs that day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsrwq0/a_man_has_been_getting_progressively_fatter_and/
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Have You Seen A Doctor?

**Patient:** Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
**Nurse:** Have you seen a doctor?
**Patient:** No, just spots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsrw15/have_you_seen_a_doctor/
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Unfaithful Wife .

This woman kept on cheating on her husband. At some point, while fooling around in bed with her lover, she hears the key entering the front door lock!
\-Oh God! she thinks. I need a real miracle. Please make my lover disappear before my husband enters the bedroom! You can ask for anything in return and I will do it.
While she’s still making her mental plea, she hears God’s voice in her mind telling her:
\-Child, I will grant you your wish. Keep in mind though, that you will have to pay a very high price for this... If I make this man disappear, in exactly three years from today, you will die!
The woman gives it some thought:
"And if you do not make him disappear, dear God, I will die in three minutes. In three years time, however, who knows what might happen..."
…and she concludes: OK, I accept!
KABOOM! Her lover disappears at once, before her husband enters the bedroom!
Three years go by and her good husband makes a surprise gift to her, a cruise, for her and her girlfriends to go to the Bahamas!
\- Here’s your ticket and enjoy yourself honey! Only women will be on the cruise-liner including all your girlfriends.
You will have plenty of fun!
On the day that the wife boards the cruise ship, it had been exactly three years since she had sealed her agreement with God....
The cruise is well underway, and while they are in the middle of the Atlantic, a massive storm breaks out!
Tall waves are slamming against the ship’s hull and at that precise moment she realizes that her moment has come...
\- God, she says. I understand why I must die, after all that was our agreement. What about the other women onboard though?
Almost instantly, a thunderous voice is heard:
\- YOU BLOODY WH$R€S!!! IT TOOK ME THREE YEARS TO GET YOU ALL IN ONE SHIP!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsru3k/unfaithful_wife/
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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads \*Local nun has winning ass\*.
She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads \*Nun has best ass in town\*.
The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads \*Nun shows entire county her ass\*.
The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is \*Nun offers her ass for £50\*.
The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. \*Nun desperate for someone to own her ass\*.
A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. \*Bishop loves nun's ass.\*
The priest faints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsrszi/a_nun_buys_a_donkey_and_enters_it_in_a_local/
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The bar staff asks why the non-linear structure?

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsrs1r/the_bar_staff_asks_why_the_nonlinear_structure/
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I saw a guy holding a huge bumblebee and I said "Eww! What are you holding that ugly creature for?"

Indignantly he said "It's not ugly!"
I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsrru5/i_saw_a_guy_holding_a_huge_bumblebee_and_i_said/
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[NSFW] Vaginas are like snowflakes

It doesn't snow where I live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsrmsn/nsfw_vaginas_are_like_snowflakes/
%
My mum was shouting at me about my poor sense of direction

I packed my bags and I right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsrleo/my_mum_was_shouting_at_me_about_my_poor_sense_of/
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A guy that had a stroke walks into a bar.

The bartender says: "Why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsrkwb/a_guy_that_had_a_stroke_walks_into_a_bar/
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3 men make a deal with the devil

A white man, black man, and Mexican man make a deal with the devil
The devil tells them if they survive 100 days with out their biggest habbit he would grant tham immortality.
The whit guy chooses food
The black guy chooses women
And the Mexican guy chooses weed
The devil locks them in a room with their choices and returns after the time is up.
The devil checks on the white guy, upon opening the door he sees all the food is gone and the a fat guy left in the corner.
He checks on the black guy and upon opening the door panties and bras are scattered everywhere with exhausted women and the guy passed out covered in women.
He checks on the Mexican and upon opening the door he seeing all the weed remains but the Mexican is nowhere to be found.
Suddenly he appears grabbing the devil yelling
"I NEED A FUCKING LIGHT"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsrimf/3_men_make_a_deal_with_the_devil/
%
3 men are stranded on a desert island...

They wander around and find a magic lamp, from which a genie appears.
The genie offers to grant each man one wish.
The first man wishes for a boat so he can leave. *poof* The man is rewarded and he makes his getaway.
The second man wishes for a helicopter so he can leave. *poof* He too is rewarded, and is able to escape.
The third man sits quietly for a few moments and takes in his surroundings. He gives a heavy sigh and says "It sure is boring being alone, I wish those other guys were still here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsrf8x/3_men_are_stranded_on_a_desert_island/
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Conspiracy theorists in a nutshell

Im kinda scared for the year 2020, because 2+0+2+0 = 4. which is the exact number of nipples Hitler would've had if he had 2 extra nipples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsrewb/conspiracy_theorists_in_a_nutshell/
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The local prison just bought 500 bottles of Proactiv.

They’re trying to prevent breakouts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsr3cs/the_local_prison_just_bought_500_bottles_of/
%
Commas can really change the meaning in a sentence.

For example:
Ben is in a hurry.
Vs
Ben is in a comma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsr2hg/commas_can_really_change_the_meaning_in_a_sentence/
%
What kind of tea do babies drink ?

Tit - tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsqxwe/what_kind_of_tea_do_babies_drink/
%
Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.
I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsqtdf/whenever_i_meet_a_new_girl_things_go_great_until/
%
I finally asked Stacey to prom!!!

She was my neighbor for years and it took me months of planning and going back and forth to ask her out. My friend Richy thought if i was this nervous i shouldn’t ask her our, but when i finally did she said yes
When we got to the dance i introduced her to Richy and my other friends who went as a group . And we got on the subject of what we were all going to do after highschool.
A few of my friends started listing off things they wanted to do like be a teacher or doctor or police officer. When it got to Stacey she said she wanted to be an actor because it had always been her dream since she was little. She was beautiful and very charismatic and i could definitely see her as a leading role in any movie or show.
I started to tell everyone that i wanted to be a computer analyst and i already knew which school i was going to and about how i got a full ride scholarship to the university i wanted to go to. Before i could finish Richy chimed in and said that he wanted to direct films and that he knew the perfect role for Stacey.
They started to talk directly and the rest of the group started to wander off and find other friends to hang out with until it was just me and them. The Richy said, “Why dont you go get us some drinks OP”.
A little frustrated and upset that my date was taking more of a liking to my friend than me I reluctantly left to go get drinks for us.
As i was walking i started concocting all for these excuses for me and Stacey to leave Richy and dance or just leave the prom in general. But i decided that it was unfair to assume that anything bad would happen.
They were thinking of going into connected professions after all and it would be good to know someone who can get you work and someone you can rely on in the industry.
Anyways thats how i got to the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsqo73/i_finally_asked_stacey_to_prom/
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Beavers aren't empathetic

They never give a dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsqnuv/beavers_arent_empathetic/
%
[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"
Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complete 3 special tasks that he makes up for you to do on the fly.
The guys strolls to the end of the bar, tosses in $10 and demands 3 more shots of tequila. The bartender pours 'em and the guy slams 'em down. "Now what are these three tasks?", the guy inquires with a slight slur.
"First, you see that bouncer out there, across the street? You gotta knock him out in one blow"
The guy raises his eyebrows.
"Second, I found a pitbull, got him tied up out back. I think he's got a bad tooth, but I dont know if the poor guy's got rabies. I need you to pull that tooth for me"
"Shit!", the guy mutters.
"Lastly, my mom is pushing 70 years old, she lives in the loft above the bar, just up those stairs. I need you to go up there and give here some loving that will blow her mind, it's been so many years since she's had any. Once she confirms that she's satisfied, the whole jar of money is yours to keep."
"I'm going to need three more shots of tequila", the man requests, clearly shaken by the three daunting tasks ahead of him. He slams the three shots down and slides off his barstool.
He swaggers across the bar, dragging his barstool behind him. Gets outside, across the street, hoists the stool above his head and "WHAM!", knocks the bouncer out with one blow.
Shocked with his success, the guy stumbles back into the bar. "The dog?", he asks the bartender, who simply points to the door behind him leading to the alleyway. The drunken guy falls out the back door where there is an eruption of vicious barking.
"WOOF WOOF WOOF... GRRRRRRRR..."
"OWWW, SHIT, MY GOD!"
"WOOF WOOF *BITING* *CHOMPING*"
"OH JESUS! FUCK ME!"
"*YELPING* *LOUD PANTING* GRRRRRR!"
"TAKE THAT LASSIE! WHOS THE BITCH NOW"
*SILENCE*
The back door flies open, the drunken guy falls through the doorway, his shirt ripped to shreds, blood and bite marks all over, he can barely catch his breath. After a few minutes he finally collects himself enough to ask...
"Alright, now where's that old lady with the bum tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsqlvy/long_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_demands_3_shots/
%
There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.
“How much is that doll, ma’am?”, she asked the old woman behind the counter.
“This doll is not for sale”, replied the woman.
“But it’s so beautiful”, said the girl. “I really want it.”
The old woman became irritated. “I told you, it’s not for sale”, she said.
“Why not?”, persisted the girl.
“Because this doll is cursed!”
“Well… That’s OK. I don’t mind.”
“I’m not going to sell it to you… But if you really must have it, go ahead and take it. It’s yours. But if something bad happens, don’t blame me.”
“Ah! Yes, thank you!” said the girl, smiling as she grabbed the doll and walked out of the shop.
The little girl was so delighted to get the doll for free that she ran all the way home, carrying it in her arms. When she got home to her apartment building, she went into the lobby. It was deserted. She stood there waiting for the elevator to arrive.
The doors opened and she stepped inside, clutching her new doll tightly.
The doors closed, but the elevator did not move.
The little girl got scared and began trembling with fear.
“OMG”, she thought to herself. “Is this the curse of the doll?”
Suddenly, she felt the doll move in her arms.
Ever so slowly, its head turned to face her.
The little girl wanted to scream but she couldn’t make a sound.
The doll’s eyelids fluttered and opened.
It stared at her with it’s lifeless glass eyes.
Then its mouth opened and it said, “Push the button to go up, bitch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsq9ti/there_was_a_little_girl_who_really_loved_dolls/
%
Why is ice so smart?

Because it has 32 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsq6gg/why_is_ice_so_smart/
%
A physicist sees a man about to jump from a rooftop and says...

"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsq5na/a_physicist_sees_a_man_about_to_jump_from_a/
%
A group of theives are going to retail stores and are stealing clothes by sizes

Police say they are still at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsq0cb/a_group_of_theives_are_going_to_retail_stores_and/
%
A man runs into a psychiatric hospital completely naked and wrapped in cling-film.

A doctor runs up to him saying "I don't know what's bothering you, but I can clearly see your nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bspw55/a_man_runs_into_a_psychiatric_hospital_completely/
%
I'm such a loser, that if I joined a contest for losers I'd be 2nd.

I won't be the 1st since I'm a freaking loser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsptyd/im_such_a_loser_that_if_i_joined_a_contest_for/
%
Vaginas are like snowflakes

While they all appear to look the same, each of them has a subtle difference – making them all uniquely beautiful
Also, it’s fun to catch them on your tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsprug/vaginas_are_like_snowflakes/
%
The pope arrives super early to a flight

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the
pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bspoe0/the_pope_arrives_super_early_to_a_flight/
%
There's only one candle store I won't steal from.

John's Wicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bspmqg/theres_only_one_candle_store_i_wont_steal_from/
%
What do you call it when girl spies on another girl she has a crush on?

Lesbionage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bspkdx/what_do_you_call_it_when_girl_spies_on_another/
%
Why did the two ghost hunters fail at their job?

They were a pair o' normal investigators.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bspgll/why_did_the_two_ghost_hunters_fail_at_their_job/
%
Thousands celebrate as the UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation

When there is a will, Theresa May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bspgl2/thousands_celebrate_as_the_uk_prime_minister_just/
%
There's this man stranded in the desert

He has been dehydrated for over 2 days, and almost gives up all hope, when he sees a tent, with people!
He sums up the strength to get there, when the man running the tent sees him.
"Hello do you need anything?"
"Water, I need Water"
"Well, I'm sorry sir, but we only sell ties."
"TIES!!"
"There is a camp about 3 miles from here that has water, but would you like a tie for free?"
"NO, I DON'T NEED A TIE, I NEED WATER! GOODBYE!!"
So the man travels a terrible, agonizing 3 miles, until he sees the other tent. He uses the last of his strength to run there, where he sees a different man running the tent.
"Can I help you?"
"You have water, right?"
"Yes. It's all in the tent, too much to be able to carry out in fact."
"I need it, please."
"Well sir, there's just one problem with that."
"What?"
"You need a tie to enter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bspg7k/theres_this_man_stranded_in_the_desert/
%
People always ask why my trips to the salon are so quick.

I take the shortcut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bspfbq/people_always_ask_why_my_trips_to_the_salon_are/
%
There once was a woman named 90.

She was apart of a family that had 100 children so her mother named the children the numbers 1-100. One day, a freak accident killed all of the family but 90. She grew up and had 2 children. The 2 kids found a dog and wanted to keep it but 90 doesn’t like dogs. To work around this, the kids named the dog This. That way, they could say phrases like “Let’s go play with This.” and prevent 90 from knowing. Unfortunately This died when it was run over by a car, but 90 never knew about the dog. Only 90‘s kids remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bspf5t/there_once_was_a_woman_named_90/
%
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?

Because they’re all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bspe98/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_urinate/
%
Two friends are sitting in a boat

One asks, "which paddle should I use?"
His friend responds, "either oar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bspbq6/two_friends_are_sitting_in_a_boat/
%
The man was standing naked in front of the mirror, "just 5 more centimeters... 5 more centimeters and I could've been the king"

From the door, his wife giggled. " Just 5 less
centimeters  and you could've been the queen instead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsp8sg/the_man_was_standing_naked_in_front_of_the_mirror/
%
What kind of coffee is never on time?

>!the latte!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsp23i/what_kind_of_coffee_is_never_on_time/
%
A man lives with his mother who has dementia.

His mother asks what he is making them for dinner. The man replies, "A steak with potatoes."
His mother nods, and asks the same question minutes later. The man replies by saying, "I really hope I never develop dementia, I wouldn't know how to care for you." And knocks on the wooden table for luck.
The man then states, "I wish that fucking repairman figured out what was wrong with the table making that damn noise all the time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsp1rl/a_man_lives_with_his_mother_who_has_dementia/
%
How many Irishman does it take to change a lightbulb

Two: one to hold it in place, and the other to drink until the room spins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsp1o5/how_many_irishman_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pastor?

Alien vs. Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsozcp/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_an_illegal/
%
Not all eye jokes are bad

Some are cornea than others

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsoyno/not_all_eye_jokes_are_bad/
%
My girl friend changed ever since she became vegan.

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsowr0/my_girl_friend_changed_ever_since_she_became_vegan/
%
I have to get up early tomorrow for a funeral.

I'm not really a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsowbe/i_have_to_get_up_early_tomorrow_for_a_funeral/
%
A psychic dwarf escaped from strangeways

There was a small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsov3n/a_psychic_dwarf_escaped_from_strangeways/
%
My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up.

Too much sax and violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsot9a/my_parents_never_let_me_listen_to_classical_or/
%
My wallet is like an onion

Whenever I open it my eyes tear up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsot3r/my_wallet_is_like_an_onion/
%
I am selling my Theremin.

I haven't touched it in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsos24/i_am_selling_my_theremin/
%
A Beer Before It Starts

Husband sitting on the couch watching TV, yells to the wife in the kitchen “hey babe, will you bring me a beer before it starts?”
Wife: sure
10-15 minutes go by....
Husband: hey babe, will you bring me another beer before it starts?
Wife: I suppose
This continues several more times....
Husband: hey babe, will you bring me another beer before it starts?
Now, wife comes comes out of the kitchen mad: Listen here mister, if you think all you’re going to  do this evening is sit around watching TV and drinking beer, you got another thing coming!! I’m in here cooking dinner and....
Husband says to himself under his breath “oh great here it starts”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsoncb/a_beer_before_it_starts/
%
Words, Words, Words, Words, Words, Words,

Punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsombb/words_words_words_words_words_words/
%
The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsolj9/the_woman_who_injected_her_8year_old_daughter/
%
My wife told me she would leave me if I didn’t stop making making Shrek memes. At first I thought she was kidding.

And then I saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsok67/my_wife_told_me_she_would_leave_me_if_i_didnt/
%
My barber trimmed my beard as they were ending the business day.

It was a close shave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsojvg/my_barber_trimmed_my_beard_as_they_were_ending/
%
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsoiab/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Why do lazy archaeologists love deep penetrating radar?

Because they can just LIDAR and take it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsohju/why_do_lazy_archaeologists_love_deep_penetrating/
%
My intern keeps on telling customers puns. Recently he made a really bad pun and a customer turned around and asked, "Who said this shit?"

Pun Intern Did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsoecx/my_intern_keeps_on_telling_customers_puns/
%
Pun walks into the room, shoots people

Pun in ,10 dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsod1n/pun_walks_into_the_room_shoots_people/
%
What does a divorce and a tornado in Arkansas have in common?

Either way, someone’s going to lose a trailer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bso4e5/what_does_a_divorce_and_a_tornado_in_arkansas/
%
My Dad told me stabbing a Donkey is easy

It turned out to be a real pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bso0bx/my_dad_told_me_stabbing_a_donkey_is_easy/
%
A raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing, called pinion feathers. A crow has 16.

So, the difference between a raven and a crow is basically a matter of a pinion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bso04g/a_raven_has_17_primary_wing_feathers_the_big_ones/
%
Why can’t Jesus eat Skittles?

Because he has holes in his hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsnyuk/why_cant_jesus_eat_skittles/
%
Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsnuqz/did_you_hear_about_the_magic_tractor/
%
Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra.
We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule'."
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees !
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
{ I love this part }...
The old farmer smiled and said,  "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
MORAL :
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear. When you're intelligent, you'll know which half !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsnu3a/dont_believe_everything_you_hear/
%
Towing ropes can't be learned

They must be taut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsnnh9/towing_ropes_cant_be_learned/
%
What's the difference between a stoner and a alcoholic?

An alcoholic will run a stop sign while a stoner will wait for it to turn green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsng8z/whats_the_difference_between_a_stoner_and_a/
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My wife told me that if I painted the whole house, we could get freaky and do anal.

It's been a week and my ass is still sore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsnfhi/my_wife_told_me_that_if_i_painted_the_whole_house/
%
A stoner goes into a pawn shop

He looks around for a little while and sees a TV he really likes, so he goes up to the pawn shop owner and says "excuse me sir I'd like to buy that TV over there" the pawn shop owner says "I don't sell to stoners get out!"
The stoner leaves and a week later returns to the pawn shop and says to the owner, "sir I really want this TV will you please sell it to me?" once again the owner says "I don't sell to stoners get out!"
Once again the stoner leaves and a week later goes back to try again, once again he goes up to the owner and says "sir I really want this TV please sell it to me, and again the owner says," how many times do I have to tell you I DON'T SELL TO STONERS! "
now irritated and offended the stoner says" How do you even know that I am a stoner? " the pawn shop owner says
Because that's a Microwave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsn6wm/a_stoner_goes_into_a_pawn_shop/
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What do a pro soccer player and a great wife have in common?

They both know how to lay down and fake it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsn57r/what_do_a_pro_soccer_player_and_a_great_wife_have/
%
What do you call an Asian wearing a fedora?

Malaysian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsmzk2/what_do_you_call_an_asian_wearing_a_fedora/
%
My wife said if this post gets 100 upvotes, she’ll lose her anal virginity tonight.

Please don’t upvote, she’s on a business trip until next week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsms9h/my_wife_said_if_this_post_gets_100_upvotes_shell/
%
What did the loyal calculator say to its human?

You can count on me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsmpm3/what_did_the_loyal_calculator_say_to_its_human/
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Why does Sméagol like to be called Gollum?

It has a nice ring to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsmkiv/why_does_sméagol_like_to_be_called_gollum/
%
How did the mob identify the copper?

By finding a wire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsmk1v/how_did_the_mob_identify_the_copper/
%
If you're procrastinating and you know it, clap your hands!!!

I'll clap later...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsm5th/if_youre_procrastinating_and_you_know_it_clap/
%
Did you hear about the zoo with just one animal?

It was a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsm42p/did_you_hear_about_the_zoo_with_just_one_animal/
%
Back seat drivers... They’re all the same

“Let me go”, “why are you taking me in to the woods”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsm1gi/back_seat_drivers_theyre_all_the_same/
%
In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''
The other one replies: ''Wow, medieval times were really hard''
And the other says: ''Medieval times? I just went to 2019 Alabama!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bslzpf/in_the_year_xxxx_two_scientists_discover_how_to/
%
My friend asked me who was the first band to start smashing guitars.

Impressed, I told him he was right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bslwhm/my_friend_asked_me_who_was_the_first_band_to/
%
This will hurt

Dentist says,  "this will hurt a little "
Patient,  "ok"
Dentist,  "I've been sleeping with your wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bslvx0/this_will_hurt/
%
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh SHEET!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsluqk/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
%
Q: When does January end?

A: February 1st
Q: When does March end?
A: April 1st
Q: When does May end?
A: June 7th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bslumm/q_when_does_january_end/
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My English teacher assigned me 10 stories to go through...

so I went sky diving.  I went through 10 stories in 2 seconds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsltpv/my_english_teacher_assigned_me_10_stories_to_go/
%
Why can't you play games in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsltke/why_cant_you_play_games_in_the_jungle/
%
International exits

Polish exit: leaving the party without saying goodbye.
British exit: saying goodbye very dramatically several times but not leaving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bslsfs/international_exits/
%
As the kidnapper trotted towards the dark woods hands firmly grasped on a small sweaty palm he felt a reluctance, looking down he saw the boy trembling.

"What's wrong buddy?" He asked genially
"I'm scared" said the boy fighting back tears
"You think you are scared?.. i have to walk out of these woods alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bslikk/as_the_kidnapper_trotted_towards_the_dark_woods/
%
Did you hear about the Indian priest who always donated bread to charity?

He was the Naan-Prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bslg99/did_you_hear_about_the_indian_priest_who_always/
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I've put massive billboards up on the side of my house one says "Henry the VIII was a Fat protestant Bigamist"

and the other says "Elizabeth the 1st was an ugly ginger virgin".
Well the wife said she always wanted to live in a Mock tudor house .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bslegi/ive_put_massive_billboards_up_on_the_side_of_my/
%
Whoever invented knock knock jokes,

Should get a no-bell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bslbg7/whoever_invented_knock_knock_jokes/
%
Two Drunks. (warning: dirty)

Two drunks were standing around on the street talking. The first one says ,"Goddamn, Ernie I need a drink! I got fifty cents. How much you got?" Guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out 35 cents. "Damn, we can't get no drinks for 85 cents!" The first drunk thinks a minute and says "I got an idea. Let's buy us a hot dog." Second guy says "I don't want no damn hot dog, I want a drink!" Guy says , "no you don't understand. Look, we'll go in the bar, right? I'll shove this hot dog down the front of my pants. When it comes time to pay, drop down like you're sucking my dick, the bartender will throw us out!" "Well, it's worth a shot".
So they go into the bar and order a few whiskies. The bartender says "that'll be fifteen dollars". Guy says "all right, now Ernie!" and Ernie drops down and sucks on the hot dog. Bartender starts yelling "you dirty son of bitch, get the hell out of my bar!"
They go into the second bar, same routine.
The end of the night, one turns the other and slurs "God damn Ernie! I'm gettin' tired of this shit! My knees are killing me from sucking on that hot dog!" Second guy says "Yeah, Burt, you think that's bad? I losst that hot dog in the third fucking bar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bslb18/two_drunks_warning_dirty/
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How do you keep an idiot intrigued for 24 hours?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bslawk/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_intrigued_for_24_hours/
%
My horse's name is Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bslat3/my_horses_name_is_mayo/
%
Upon reexamination, groundbreaking research suggests a new theory of dinosaur extinction

Traffic accidents.  Amongst the thousands of dinosaurs unearthed, not one has been found wearing a seat belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsl8ps/upon_reexamination_groundbreaking_research/
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People say nothing is impossible...

But I do nothing every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsl7j9/people_say_nothing_is_impossible/
%
What do computers eat for snacks?

Micro-chips
(Discovered on a Firecracker Popsicle stick)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsl4o1/what_do_computers_eat_for_snacks/
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The 12 monks ...

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, naked, in front of all the head monks while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick it up, and eleven other bells began to ring…..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bskynj/the_12_monks/
%
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One you see later and the other after a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bskwzw/whats_the_difference_between_an_alligator_and_a/
%
What's the difference between psychologists and proctologists?

Phsychologists analyze
Proctologists analize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bskrn7/whats_the_difference_between_psychologists_and/
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My jokes are like an unexpected still birth.

The delivery's horrible and everyone's disappointed and disgusted at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bskn7j/my_jokes_are_like_an_unexpected_still_birth/
%
A woman visits the doctor

as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers”.
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bskimy/a_woman_visits_the_doctor/
%
A new bar owner

A younger guy decides to open a bar. He's not confident, being a younger guy with little experience.
One of the first days his place is open, an older gentleman enters and takes a seat at the bar.
The young owner and the older gentleman start talking, and after a while the older man tells the young owner he was a bartender for 40 years.
The young man is impressed and asks if he has any tips or tricks the older guy can share with him.
The older guy says he doesnt know anything like that, but he can teach him how to make his favorite drink.
The young man agrees, happy for any help he can get.
The older guy says, "I call this drink 'tin roof.'" and goes on to list ingredients and how to properly mix them.
The young man makes the drink and serves it to the older man.
He drinks it and says, "You should be proud of this, this is a great tin roof."
Then the older guy gets up to leave.
The young owner stops him and says, "You need to pay for the drink. I dont know how to price it, but the liquors involved add up to $6."
The older man refuses.
The young owner says, "Just because you showed me how to make it doesnt mean you get it for free."
"Don't you know what a 'tin roof' is son?" says the older man.
The young owner confused, replies, "you just showed me how to make it, what do you mean?"
The older man says, "son, a 'tin roof' is on the house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bski33/a_new_bar_owner/
%
What do you call a security guard that’s works at a Samsung store?

A guardian of the galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bskhgo/what_do_you_call_a_security_guard_thats_works_at/
%
I do not tolerate racism of any kind. Racism is a crime.

And crime is for minorities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bskcoh/i_do_not_tolerate_racism_of_any_kind_racism_is_a/
%
They say, you are what you eat.

but idk man, i dont remember eating depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsk5xl/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
My attempt at an original joke: did you hear about the entrepreneur who opened a sperm bank?

He has a lot of spunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsjsov/my_attempt_at_an_original_joke_did_you_hear_about/
%
I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsjrs8/i_think_its_a_good_idea_to_wear_two_different/
%
Trump tries to avoid the wind, not because of his hair...

But because of the draft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsjrom/trump_tries_to_avoid_the_wind_not_because_of_his/
%
All my books fell down last night

I’m going to kill my shelf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsjotv/all_my_books_fell_down_last_night/
%
What do you call a misbehaving lizard?

Reptile disfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsjnhn/what_do_you_call_a_misbehaving_lizard/
%
what is the best way to get stuff thrown at you?

brag about your reflexes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsjje4/what_is_the_best_way_to_get_stuff_thrown_at_you/
%
Rihanna is now a fan of the Kansas City Royals.

They don't beat anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsjcpx/rihanna_is_now_a_fan_of_the_kansas_city_royals/
%
Did you know that the canary islands don't actually have any canaries? Its the same with the virgin islands...

There are also no canaries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsj9zf/did_you_know_that_the_canary_islands_dont/
%
What do you call a Mexican and a priest?

Alien vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsj7v8/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_and_a_priest/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Just look for the fresh reposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsj7mt/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine

it's a pretty good μ-boat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsj6hi/i_made_a_11000_000_scale_model_german_submarine/
%
Girl's confession to a priest

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsj45d/girls_confession_to_a_priest/
%
What do you call it when Jesus gets a boner?

A resurrection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsj1nx/what_do_you_call_it_when_jesus_gets_a_boner/
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Wife : i just came from beauty parlor

Husband: was it closed again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsj1co/wife_i_just_came_from_beauty_parlor/
%
My friend died...

...when we couldn't remember his blood type.
He tried to calm us down by saying "be positive" but it's not like that helped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsizif/my_friend_died/
%
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsiv7r/whats_the_difference_between_a_lawyer_and_god/
%
I used to be good at telling jokes

But now I always seem to punch up the fuckline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsisd8/i_used_to_be_good_at_telling_jokes/
%
My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsidts/my_boyfriend_started_a_bee_farm_to_help_save_the/
%
Guy walks into a barbershop and says, “hey, Bob Peters here?”

The barber says, “no, we just cut hair.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsichc/guy_walks_into_a_barbershop_and_says_hey_bob/
%
I was really excited when my wife told me she was giving me a hummer for my birthday.

My excitement turned to disappointment when I saw a Hummer in the driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsi9fw/i_was_really_excited_when_my_wife_told_me_she_was/
%
Anal sex

The only time a man will try to convince you he has a small penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsi7pa/anal_sex/
%
I passed my drug test at work. I'm glad I get to keep my job.

My dealer has some serious explaining to do though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsi6fw/i_passed_my_drug_test_at_work_im_glad_i_get_to/
%
Will Trump resign?

No but Theresa May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsi6c3/will_trump_resign/
%
I recently hired two interns from China to help with my business

Hua Ta Yu and Biyuchica Mi. Because it was easier, they both asked me to call them by their last names.
I needed to sign up for a new online service and asked Yu to do so. I gave her my credit card and off she went. After an hour I went to see if she had completed the task and she was gone! Worried, I checked my online statement and there were dozens of pending purchases on my credit card. I quickly canceled it.
Now I’m hungry. I don’t have a credit card and limited time, so I give Mi $100 (I didn’t have change) to go grab us some lunch. 3 hours later, no Mi. She stole my $100.
I sat back in my chair and thought, “Fool me once, shame on Yu, fool me twice, shame on Mi.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsi5l7/i_recently_hired_two_interns_from_china_to_help/
%
I like my beers as I like my Paralympians

strong and hoppy
*^((I'll delete this if it's deemed to be offensive)**)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsi5dh/i_like_my_beers_as_i_like_my_paralympians/
%
I was a secretary in an office...

And one of my coworkers, Herald, had a beautiful parakeet that he kept on his table in his office cubby. It was named "Dimes" after his love of small shiny objects.
Anyways at the office one day, I get a call from Herald's table and it was the parakeet. He was tired of being the only one in the office not wearing a suit, and wanted me to go over and get him fitted by getting his height and width.
I guess you could say desk parrot Dimes called for desk parrot measures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsi4gt/i_was_a_secretary_in_an_office/
%
A woman on death row was asked what she wanted for her last meal

“I don’t know, what do you want?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsi44o/a_woman_on_death_row_was_asked_what_she_wanted/
%
Ladies; When a guy calls you hot, he's looking at your body...

When a guy calls you pretty, he's looking at your face.
When a guy calls you beautiful, he's looking at your heart.
All three guys still wanna fuck you, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsi1ts/ladies_when_a_guy_calls_you_hot_hes_looking_at/
%
Time traveling is really weird when you're married

You get to go back, see all the mistakes you made, fix them, and then all of a sudden you're single again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsi1mt/time_traveling_is_really_weird_when_youre_married/
%
A dwarf enters a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.

Madame:  What can we do for you?
Dwarf: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.
Madame: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?
Dwarf: My woman has found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes.
The first one was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb.
The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey.
Madame: And what about the third wish?
Dwarf: Well... she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee.
Madame: Well that one's not so bad eh?
Dwarf: Not so bad?  I used to be six foot three!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsi1km/a_dwarf_enters_a_brothel_with_a_honeycomb_and_a/
%
At school my favourite lesson was PE, probably because I had the biggest dick, I used to stroll around naked flicking the kids with my towel laughing at their little Knobs.

Looking back I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bshzic/at_school_my_favourite_lesson_was_pe_probably/
%
A man was in the hospital carrying his one hour old child

A man was in the hospital carrying his one hour old baby boy, when he saw another dad carrying a baby as well. Curious, he walked up and asked about the baby, finding out that the baby girl had been born just 30 minutes ago. "Well imagine if they got married", the man said jokingly to the other.
"And why the hell would I allow that. He's literally twice her age!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bshyaz/a_man_was_in_the_hospital_carrying_his_one_hour/
%
A man, thinking he's turning invisible, rushes to his Doctor for a diagnosis.

Just as he feared, the Doctor couldn't see him today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bshw7d/a_man_thinking_hes_turning_invisible_rushes_to/
%
Working hard and being hard at work are not the same thing.

Working hard is a good way to get a raise or a promotion. Being hard at work is a good way to get fired from your job at the elementary school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bshtrl/working_hard_and_being_hard_at_work_are_not_the/
%
Hey, Fellow people with social anxiety, want to meet up tomorrow?

Oh wait, I greatly apologise but I can't make it.
I am very busy, shit
Maybe another time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bshoyn/hey_fellow_people_with_social_anxiety_want_to/
%
An ornithologist reminisces about his past and says,

"I have many egrets."
--
Note: this was an old tweet of mine I changed into my first original joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bshl9o/an_ornithologist_reminisces_about_his_past_and/
%
The rain in the spring is like first time having sex.

First minute is unpleasant, but once you get pretty wet, it feels okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bshgan/the_rain_in_the_spring_is_like_first_time_having/
%
I don't mind using my roommates toothbrush

I mean would you rather be ruthless or toothless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsh8pu/i_dont_mind_using_my_roommates_toothbrush/
%
Bernard the IT Guy

There's an IT guy in our office, Bernard,  quite a shy bloke who doesn't really interact with other people all that much. So much so that his entire team went out together and left him behind.  They didn't mean to exclude him, but they just kind of forgot to invite him.
So there's Bernard sitting all on his lonesome in the corner of a big office floor looking pretty down.
Jim, the friendliest and most popular guy in the office notices Bernard and says to a couple of his work mates "Guys, Bernard is all alone, we have that extra ticket to clay pigeon shooting tonight after Paul got sick, let's invite Bernard"
So Jim goes over and asks. You can see Bernards face just light up with joy. And off they go. Each have a couple of pints before hand (apart from Bernard, he doesn't drink but adds a surpringing amount of value to the chat nonetheless)
They rock up to the shooting range, all get strapped and booted.
The first three rock up and BANG BANG BANG each nail a clay pigeon.
Then it's Bernards turn.
He steps up the to the plate, physically shaking.
"PULL!" goes Jim.
The pigeon flies, and Bernard tracks the shot, but doesn't pull the trigger.
"No worries", says Jim "have another go. PULL!" and another pigeon flies.
Again, Bernard tracks the shot but doesn't pull the trigger.
The instructor walks up to Jim and asks "is your mate there alright?"
"Oh he's fine", says Jim, "he's just having a little troubleshooting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsh2o8/bernard_the_it_guy/
%
Harrison Ford said this joke on Jimmy Fallon

Two cannibals walk by past each other in the woods in opposite directions. Cannibal 1 says to the other, "hey, how's it going?".
Cannibal 2 replies "not so good, I ate something funny".
Cannibal 1: "really ? Like what?
Cannibal 2: "a missionary"
Cannibal 1: "well, how did you prepare it?"
Cannibal 2: "oh the usual way, some carrots, potatoes, a few spices, and boild him in soup".
Cannibal 1: " well that doesn't sound too... Oh wait a minute; how did he look? "
Cannibal 2: " how did he look? The usual, had sandals, brown robe, hair sticking out the sides... "
Cannibal 1: " ah see there, that's a friar"
Credit: Harrison Ford, apologies for the repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsh2of/harrison_ford_said_this_joke_on_jimmy_fallon/
%
When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsh2h3/when_i_was_younger_i_wanted_to_play_the_guitar/
%
Finally, a good Trump joke.

The president is walking out of his White House and heading towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout ‘Mickey Mouse’?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous, I meant to shout......Donald, duck!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsh0y3/finally_a_good_trump_joke/
%
I found a carton of milk that tells me what the symbols on a map mean.

I guess it was Legend Dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsgzf5/i_found_a_carton_of_milk_that_tells_me_what_the/
%
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.

For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised
Yossel to go ahead and do it, otherwise, he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day Yossel came home from work very early...
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to the wife his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a completely-intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsgwib/yossel_zelkovitz_worked_in_a_polish_pickle_factory/
%
We should make a statue of whoever killed Hitler

The guy did a great job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsgv7a/we_should_make_a_statue_of_whoever_killed_hitler/
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Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsgr4d/researchers_have_discovered_a_selfsustainable/
%
Three Chinese brothers decided that they move to US.

Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu and Fu decided that they move to the US. To fit in better, they decided to change their names. Bu changed his name to Buck, Chu changes his name to Chuck and Fu stayed in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsgpla/three_chinese_brothers_decided_that_they_move_to/
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I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.

What a Messi guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsgos2/i_know_an_untidy_guy_whos_excellent_at_playing/
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Why where there two dudes in a ambulance

Cause they were a pair-a-medics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsgopg/why_where_there_two_dudes_in_a_ambulance/
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How do you tell the difference between a Male chromosome and a female chromosome?

You pull down their genes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsgmmk/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_male/
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What is Gordon Ramsay’s favorite thing about lions?

Their fucking roar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsgm9e/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favorite_thing_about_lions/
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Why was Theresa May crying at the end of her speech?

Because now she knows she’s gotta sign up to universal credits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsgm5b/why_was_theresa_may_crying_at_the_end_of_her/
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A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and an antivaxx adult find a $100 bill on the ground, who picks it up?

The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsgj4e/a_dumb_blonde_a_smart_blonde_and_an_antivaxx/
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Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two

"See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."
So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.
Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"
Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.
After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.
She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up."
Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!"
On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk."
They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.
"I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you."
"it's perfectly fine." he smiles.
"Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her legs it's hard to do in the truck.
She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."
So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.
After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.
"Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over.
Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?"
"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years."
Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it."
"No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging in the park."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsggjc/guy_and_his_two_buddies_are_at_a_bar_when_one_of/
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My friend thought he made a good construction joke.

Unfortunately there was absolutely no build up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsgghd/my_friend_thought_he_made_a_good_construction_joke/
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My grandfather recently died during sex

Went out with a bang, that's for sure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsger6/my_grandfather_recently_died_during_sex/
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What does a Lawyer get when you give him viagra?

Taller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsgcpi/what_does_a_lawyer_get_when_you_give_him_viagra/
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How do you find a blind guy in a nude beach?

It's not hard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsg8t5/how_do_you_find_a_blind_guy_in_a_nude_beach/
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An old man was on his deathbed at home.

Suddenly, the aroma of his favorite cookies baking in the oven wafted up to him. My wife, still a doll! With all his might he pulled himself out of bed and walked shakily down the stairs. Wavering down the hallway and into the kitchen, he sees the first batch cooling on the counter.
He slowly reaches for one when the spatula crashes across his hand.
"Keep your hands off. They're for the funeral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsg8ld/an_old_man_was_on_his_deathbed_at_home/
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In the past the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now the poor have cars and only the rich have horses...

My how the stables have turned!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsg6rt/in_the_past_the_poor_had_horses_and_the_rich_had/
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Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsg1wr/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
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A ship wrecks onto a dessert island

Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex.
After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing... so they bury her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsfv9e/a_ship_wrecks_onto_a_dessert_island/
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Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday

One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.
The brunette left and decided to go shopping.
The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.
The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and saw her husband in bed with her boss. Mortified, she closed the door and crept out of the house.
The next day back at work, the girls met up and discussed if they should all skip out early again next week.
"No way" said the blonde, "Yesterday, I almost got caught!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsftmd/three_women_are_sick_of_their_boss_always_leaving/
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Something amazing just happened!

Guys, you won't believe this. I just had sex with my teacher! It all started this morning when I entered the classroom.
When I had entered the classroom, the teacher only payed attention to me and none of my annoying classmates.
Whenever I had any questions and went up, she always let me sit on her lap. It was near lunchtime when we made our move. All the annoying classmates are outside playing while the teacher held me back.
It was unbelievable! I love being homeschool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsft00/something_amazing_just_happened/
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I was so drunk last night

the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsfpvh/i_was_so_drunk_last_night/
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The police want to interview me.

Funny, I don't remember sending them my resume.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsfopa/the_police_want_to_interview_me/
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A blond gets on a plane

She sits down in a first class seat even though she bought a ticket for coach. The flight attendants all try to tell her she needs to find her correct seat, but she refuses.
Finally the pilot comes and sits down next to her and the blond moves to her correct seat in coach.
The flight attendants were in disbelief saying “How did you pull that off!” The pilot said “I told her the front of the plane was going to Chicago and the back was going to Los Angeles.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsfmrh/a_blond_gets_on_a_plane/
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A man is walking through a local mall and sees a Mexican book store

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsfmf6/a_man_is_walking_through_a_local_mall_and_sees_a/
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A duck walks into a pub

and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "hang on you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working too" says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round
this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads
the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says.......
"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsfgh1/a_duck_walks_into_a_pub/
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Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsfee6/pornhub_promised_to_plant_1_tree_for_every_100/
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Have you heard about the perfume that smells of nothing?

I think it's total non-scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsfd3e/have_you_heard_about_the_perfume_that_smells_of/
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Son: “Dad am I adopted?”

Dad: “Not yet son, we haven’t found anyone who wants you yet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsfb8j/son_dad_am_i_adopted/
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I will never forget the story of when I bought my first condoms

I was 16 year old at that time and got serious with my GF and we decided to bang for the first time.
So I took a trip to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. In the pharmacy was one really hot blonde pharmacist in her early 20s.
I then proceeded to look at the condoms like I was an expert and picked one randomly, the pharmacist realized how clueless I was and asked:” This is your first time buying these isn’t it ?”, I admitted and said:” yeah...” and then she asked:” do you At least know how to use these” I replied with:” No not really”.
The pharmacist took one condom out of the box and put it on her thumb and said with a smile:” it’s easy, you just put it like this”. But I still looked at her with the same clueless eyes as before, she then took a quick peek to see if anyone was around, there was no one.
She then grabbed my hand and took me to the back room and started undressing and laid down on the table, she then said:” Quickly,undress and put on the condom and fuck me”. I did as she said.
After finishing she told me:” So have you learnt how to use a condom?” To which I proudly replied while holding my thumb up:” YES”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsf9xs/i_will_never_forget_the_story_of_when_i_bought_my/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsf6ee/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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God's Punishment

There lived a rabbi who was an avid golfer and played the game at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn't play. One day the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will know, and I'll be back in time for services."
Sure enough, at the end of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and God. Moses said, "Look how terrible -- a Jew. And even worse! A rabbi!"
God replied "Watch. I'm going to teach him a lesson."
The rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a hole in one!
Seeing all this, Moses protested. "God, is this how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!"
"Sure," said God, "but who's he going to tell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsf4ep/gods_punishment/
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A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bseyji/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsexca/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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Dear Algebra

Please stop asking about your X, she's not coming back. And please don't ask Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bset7n/dear_algebra/
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3 man are lost in the desert.

Very far away they see a convent.
They knock on the door and a old nun shows up.
One man asks: Please help us we're lost and very thirsty.
Nun: Ok I'll help you  but this is a convent, there can't be any males here so well have to remove your penis.
Man: Is there any other way we can come in?
Nun: No and we will remove the penis based on your professions!
Man: what do you mean?
Nun:Well...tell me what you do for a living.
Man: Oh no I'm A carpenter.
Nun: Then we will saw your penis!
Second man: Oh no I own a junkyard.
Nun:Then we will crush your penis.
While all this is happening the third man laughs hysterically.
The old nun very upset with it asks him.
Nun:We are going to cut your penis why are you laughing?
Third man: Because I'm an ice cream salesman.
Ps: sorry for my English it is not my native language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsercg/3_man_are_lost_in_the_desert/
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The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation.

This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bserbx/the_uk_prime_minister_just_announced_her/
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2019 is the first calendar year...

Where the 24th was the end of May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bseq1n/2019_is_the_first_calendar_year/
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In the rest of the world it’s the end of May, but in the UK it’s looking like

Ah wait no this doesn’t work any more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bseq0f/in_the_rest_of_the_world_its_the_end_of_may_but/
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For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will do one thrust of anal sex

Please don’t go all out, her strap-on is huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bseot0/for_every_upvote_this_gets_my_girlfriend_and_i/
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My girlfriend suggested putting something in our condoms to spice up our sex life.

Other men's cocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bseo1b/my_girlfriend_suggested_putting_something_in_our/
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Before leaving for work my girlfriend left a note on the microwave saying "This isn't working, goodbye".

I turned on the microwave and it's working just fine...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsek3t/before_leaving_for_work_my_girlfriend_left_a_note/
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office, I will find you

You have my Word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsej10/whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i_will/
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I hate it when people say that obesity runs in their family.

The real problem is that _nobody_ runs in their family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bseg1o/i_hate_it_when_people_say_that_obesity_runs_in/
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What did the US government say to Huawei?

Go-awei

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsef6v/what_did_the_us_government_say_to_huawei/
%
A man (37) and his wife (19) go to a restaurant to celebrate their marriage.

They received some disapproving glances at first. Later, the people started calling the husband “pedo”, “pervert” and “sick” and shamed the couple for the age difference.
Completely ruined their 10th anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsedw9/a_man_37_and_his_wife_19_go_to_a_restaurant_to/
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What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

One sells watches
The other watches cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bseaqv/whats_the_difference_between_a_jeweler_and_a/
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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve

He says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bse86n/a_man_in_scotland_calls_his_son_in_london_the_day/
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What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bse6ou/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_staring_at_a_lettuce/
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ƒ(x) walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bse4yn/ƒx_walks_into_a_bar/
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To whoever stole my Microsoft Office 2016, I will find you.

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bse49a/to_whoever_stole_my_microsoft_office_2016_i_will/
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What do you call an Asian on an elevator?

Wong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsdt7m/what_do_you_call_an_asian_on_an_elevator/
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317 days without sex...

went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsdqgy/317_days_without_sex/
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I recently watched a film called Online Dating.

Honestly, it wasn't as good as it looked on the internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsdhqj/i_recently_watched_a_film_called_online_dating/
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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you

You have my Word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsdena/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i/
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Why did Brandon Stark ask Tyrion to jerk him off?

because he is the hand of the king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsde53/why_did_brandon_stark_ask_tyrion_to_jerk_him_off/
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I met a bunch of cannibals online and we got along so well we decided to hold a get-together

The first few days were great but then we just got fed up with each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsdc9u/i_met_a_bunch_of_cannibals_online_and_we_got/
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I was once afflicted with with a terrible bout of dry mouth...

The doctors could do nothing to help and my future was looking dim. My food had long since been rendered flavorless and eating became a chore, until I met a man who said he was sent by god to cure my ailment. I was skeptical but desperate, willing to try anything.
I asked him "How much?" and he replied,
"Nothing more than a bit of faith."
I had long since given up religion but I took him up on the offer, after all it was a small price to pay for salavation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsd96y/i_was_once_afflicted_with_with_a_terrible_bout_of/
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I wrote a book, and the first sentence reads, “There I sat in Central Park, staring at the base of the Empire State Building across the street.”

The title of the book is “I’ve Never Been to New York But I Love Hearing New Yorkers Get Mad At This Shit”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsd90f/i_wrote_a_book_and_the_first_sentence_reads_there/
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I let a blind man borrow ten bucks.

He told me he’d pay me back the next time he sees me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsd8np/i_let_a_blind_man_borrow_ten_bucks/
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A hungry traveler...

Stops by a monastery and is taken to the kitchen. A brother is cooking fish and chips and is asked by the stranger, "Are you the friar?"  He responds with, "No, I'm the chip monk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsd7nf/a_hungry_traveler/
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Why were snowwhite and pinocchio kicked out of Disneyland?

Because snowwhite kept sitting on pinocchio's face screaming "LIE YOU BASTARD, LIE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsd60m/why_were_snowwhite_and_pinocchio_kicked_out_of/
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This joke has been sent in a compressed file.

Sigh...*unzips*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsd5q3/this_joke_has_been_sent_in_a_compressed_file/
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Caught our boss talking to himself.

A couple coworkers caught our boss talking to himself. One of my coworkers called him out and said “hey boss, you know you’re talking to yourself right?” He quickly replied, “yeah, sometimes I like to have an intelligent conversation”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsd2km/caught_our_boss_talking_to_himself/
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There once was a boy who had a crush on a girl from his highschool class

When prom came around, he gathered up the courage to ask her to be his date for the prom, and to his luck She said yes.
He had big plans for the night, and wanted everything to be perfect.
So when the time came, he first went to the tuxedo rental place, but when He Got there, there was a huge tuxedoline, but he got the tuxedo, and went on with his day.
He then went to the limousine place to rent a limousine, but when he got there, there was a huge limousineline, but he got the limousine, and went on with his day.
He then went to pick up some flowers for his date, but when he got to the flower shop, there was a huge flowerline, but he got the flowers and went on with his day.
The day finally came, and everything went according to plan. They arrived to the prom, and the boy asked the girl, if he should get them something to drink. So he walked over to the punchbowl, and when he got there, there was no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsd21y/there_once_was_a_boy_who_had_a_crush_on_a_girl/
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I had sex with my English teacher when I was in school...

I told my dad when I got home and he offered to buy me a bike to congratulate me on becoming a man but I asked him if I could have a Playstation instead cause my ass was killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bscy2a/i_had_sex_with_my_english_teacher_when_i_was_in/
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Why didn’t Monica Lewinsky vote for Hillary?

The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bscwph/why_didnt_monica_lewinsky_vote_for_hillary/
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America sure is having some bad luck

It’s almost like it was built on an ancient burial ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bscsjq/america_sure_is_having_some_bad_luck/
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Mario and luigi go fishing

Luigi at one point says:Mario, I see land!
Mario then asks:Are you sure?
And then luigi says:yes, I think I'm a-shore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bscshb/mario_and_luigi_go_fishing/
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My girlfriend is a dominatrix.

She wanted to try anal but I couldn’t say no, my hands were tied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bscpo1/my_girlfriend_is_a_dominatrix/
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A Mormon and Irishman are on a plane

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsco1d/a_mormon_and_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
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A man is walking through his local mall and sees a Mexican book store

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bscngy/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and_sees/
%
What do you call a child molester that makes sex dolls?

A Geppettophile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bscg3x/what_do_you_call_a_child_molester_that_makes_sex/
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Another Christian Joke

A priest is sitting in the confessional when he realizes he really needs to take a shit. He peeks out the door and sees the janitor. "psst, hey bobby, come here, can you sit here and listen to these confessions while I go drop trou?" The janitor is hesitant, but the priest reassures him and shows him the list of sins and their penance hanging on the wall. The Janitor agrees and soon people start lining up. The first person comes in and states they have told a couple of lies during the week. So the janitor looks up lies on the list and gives the proper penance. Well, after a few more simple confessions a prostitute walks in and confesses she has given a "few" blow jobs during the past week. The janitor looks over the list, blow jobs, blow jobs, blow jobs... hmmm... it's not on there? he looks again, blow jobs, blow jobs, blow jobs... hmmm??? He peeks out the confessional and sees an altar boy, "Hey, boyo, what does the Father usually dole out for a blow job?"
The altar boy shrugs and says" **$5.00 and a Snickers Bar**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bscfvw/another_christian_joke/
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At a costume party my girlfriend was dressed as an egg and me as a chicken

we had sex in the bathroom and I can tell chicken "came" first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bscc9j/at_a_costume_party_my_girlfriend_was_dressed_as/
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A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools

The bartender looks at him and asks him what he'd like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself. The bartender looks at the man and says "Four shots for yourself? What's the special occasion?" to which the man replies "First blowjob." The bartender puts on a congratulatory smile and pats the man on the shoulder and says he'll give him a fifth shot on the house. To which the man says "No thanks, if four shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bscblr/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat_on_one_of/
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Two lesbians in superposition...

...is the nsfw version of the double slit experiment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsc8vv/two_lesbians_in_superposition/
%
So there was this man in Bulgaria that drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsc6go/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_that_drove/
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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsc5ov/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A 4 chin teller.
My dad just told me this one and I thought I'd share it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsc2w5/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
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I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”
*No he just ran out of gas*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbyzr/i_was_outside_getting_my_mail_when_i_noticed_my/
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So a woman tried to cut off her ex-lovers penis (NSFW)

She missed and cut his thigh... she was charged with a misdaweiner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbusf/so_a_woman_tried_to_cut_off_her_exlovers_penis/
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So there's this man with a bad farting problem

And he is going to pick up his girlfriend for prom.
While waiting for her, he was with her father and their dog, but he was holding back a fart, and couldn't hold it anymore and let out a nasty, rippling one.
The dad looks at the dog and yells "Buster!!"
The man is amazed that he yelled at the dog, and did another one a few minutes later, even louder and nastier than the last one.
One again, the dad looks at the dog and yells "Buster!!!"
The man is thrilled to be able to fart and not feel ashamed, so he keeps doing it. Each one was getting louder and nastier than the last, until his final fart, the worst one of them all.
The dad looks at the dog, shoots up, and yells "BUSTER, GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN BEFORE HE CRAPS ALL OVER YOU!!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbuhh/so_theres_this_man_with_a_bad_farting_problem/
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You can’t spell girl without irl

but how come none of mine are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbt2u/you_cant_spell_girl_without_irl/
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I remember when two Asian girls tried flirting with me

They asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it will be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right... we had six matching  balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbt06/i_remember_when_two_asian_girls_tried_flirting/
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I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbse2/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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I am seriously considering reversing my circumcision.

Anybody have any tips?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbroc/i_am_seriously_considering_reversing_my/
%
An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium

at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony. "Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".
"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest pleasure in life is going on holiday without your wife, and meeting a beautiful girl with whom you have a passionate love affair with before returning home back to work".
"You are both wrong" scoffs the Russian. "The greatest pleasure in life is when you are sleeping at home and the KGB breaks your door down at 3 AM, bursts into your room and says 'Ivan Ivanovitch, you are under arrest' and you can reply 'Sorry comrade, Ivan Ivanovitch lives next door'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbnoi/an_english_athlete_a_french_athlete_and_a_russian/
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Do twins with a fruit fetish..

Come in pears?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbnhp/do_twins_with_a_fruit_fetish/
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Statistically, if 49,765 people see this...

One of them will die today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbllo/statistically_if_49765_people_see_this/
%
Sheep are grass.

Ewe are what ewe eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbl6p/sheep_are_grass/
%
My drug test came back negative.

My dealer has some explaining to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbizv/my_drug_test_came_back_negative/
%
An American, a German, a Canadian, and a Jew are sent to a deserted island as part of a reality show.

They are told to bring one item each.
1. The American brings a smartphone
2. The German brings a book.
3. The Canadian brings a laptop
4. The Jew brings a blow up doll.
One year later, the Jew has a smartphone, a book, and a laptop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbhi2/an_american_a_german_a_canadian_and_a_jew_are/
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I’m gonna start selling christian cigarettes

I’ll call them “Holy Smokes”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbfl6/im_gonna_start_selling_christian_cigarettes/
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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your penis is so large, that it has pushed your spleen, liver, stomach, and lungs further up into your body cavity, affecting your ability to speak, leaving you with a chronic stutter. We can perform surgery to shorten your penis, thereby relieving you of your stutter”
I really didn’t want to get my dick chopped, but dangit if I didn’t want to shake that stutter! So I told the doc
“O-o-ok, let’s proceed w-w-with the surgery”
So the doc inserted the IV and I was off to la la land.
Hours later, I wake up, and my stutter is gone!
My whole life I have had this nagging speech impediment, and now I am finally cured!
I joined the choir at church. I joined the debate team at school. I began to lead public orations.
But alas, there was still a problem...
I was sad that I didn’t have any female attention. After awhile, depression set in and I realized that I wanted my old life back. So one day, after a particularly lonely day, I called my doctor and sadly told him that I wanted to reverse my surgery.
After a moment, he laughed and said “F-f-fuck you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbfjl/i_had_a_stutter_when_i_was_a_kid/
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How do you make a hormone?

You bite her nipple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbdjm/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
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What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbcwa/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
%
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsbbco/i_opened_a_company_selling_landmines_disguised_as/
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Do you know what happens if you eat gold?

Au shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsb731/do_you_know_what_happens_if_you_eat_gold/
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It was already foretold by AC/DC

Huawei to Hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsb5ef/it_was_already_foretold_by_acdc/
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What’s a Mexicans favorite sport?

CROSS COUNTRY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsb51l/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
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I met a girl who wanted to make love under a light spray of water, but I said no.

Looking back, I realize it was a mist opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsb4yk/i_met_a_girl_who_wanted_to_make_love_under_a/
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I lost my mood ring

I’m not sure how I feel about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsb3eh/i_lost_my_mood_ring/
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If you ever get attacked by a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsb29m/if_you_ever_get_attacked_by_a_group_of_clowns/
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How do you tell if a mechanics had sex?

Two of his fingers are clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsax4x/how_do_you_tell_if_a_mechanics_had_sex/
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Only Anti-Vaxxers would get this

Measles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsax4c/only_antivaxxers_would_get_this/
%
What did Hitler say when his tanks suddenly stopped moving?

Stop Stalin’!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsan85/what_did_hitler_say_when_his_tanks_suddenly/
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In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.

Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agreed to talk with the boys and asked to see the younger boy first. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy’s nose, and asked, "Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsag3a/in_a_certain_suburban_neighborhood_there_were_two/
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What do you get when you cross poop with a mushroom?

Shit-take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsacwn/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_poop_with_a/
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I used to have two kidneys...

Now I have two adult knees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsacw4/i_used_to_have_two_kidneys/
%
What do a new house plant and a new relationship have in common?

No matter how good my intentions, eventually I'm going to kill it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsac9p/what_do_a_new_house_plant_and_a_new_relationship/
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A man is driving down the road trough an isolated forest when suddenly he gets a flat tire

.
He stops and starts changing the tire when a huge storm starts.
With all the rain the screws got washed away trough the sewers.
He's pissed and soaked lost in the middle of nowhere at night when he sees a sign "**Asylum for insane : 7 miles**"
He's not trilled but that's his only hope.
He starts walking under the rain for hours when he finally reaches the place.
He knocks on the door and a group of people show up.
He explains the situation to them.
They reply that they are by themselves until the morning as no personnel is on duty at night.
However after a few seconds they tell him that :
He should go back to the car.
Take one screw from each remaining tire so he will have 4 tires with 3 screws each.
It's not perfect but he can then drive safely until he can get the car fixed.
He says thanks and start walking back to the car.
After a 15 minutes walk he goes back to the asylum and start knocking again until they open the door.
Please excuse me for this question but you all seem very fine people so I was wondering why are you in this institution ?
\- Sir, we might be crazy but we ain't stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsabrk/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_trough_an_isolated/
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I only have two wishes for my death:

1 - I wish to be spread across DisneyLand, where I may forever remain as a child.
2 - I don't want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsaa3y/i_only_have_two_wishes_for_my_death/
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A man waddles into the doctor’s office with his body all swollen...

The doctor asks: “Oh my god what happened?”
The man replies: “I’m not too sure”
After a thorough examination the doctor hands him a box of medicine
The doctor then says: “put one of these up your rear passageway every day, come back in a week”
The man thanks him and leaves.
After a week the man returns to the doctor’s office, now twice as swollen as before...
The doctor, in shock then asks: “oh my goodness, did you use the medicine and put one up your rear passageway each day?”
The man replies: “YEAH, I PUT ONE UP MY REAR PASSAGE, MY FRONT PASSAGE, MY KITCHEN, MY LIVING ROOM, I EVEN PUT ONE IN THE CORRIDOR AND FOR ALL THE GOOD IT’S DONE ME, I MAY AS WELL HAVE SHOVED IT UP MY ASS!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsa8bl/a_man_waddles_into_the_doctors_office_with_his/
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What did the dyslexic Satanist name his boat?

Sail Hatan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsa6pj/what_did_the_dyslexic_satanist_name_his_boat/
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Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll let it go.
*courtesy of my 6 year old*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsa6av/why_cant_you_give_elsa_a_balloon/
%
Workouts.

My new gym is really awesome.
Been here just two months, and I have already lost 2000 pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bsa1fm/workouts/
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My grandad went down in history...

...and he once fingered a girl in geography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9zr7/my_grandad_went_down_in_history/
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If you activate a bomb, how do you deactivate it?

Quick answers please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9z8w/if_you_activate_a_bomb_how_do_you_deactivate_it/
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I took my girlfriend home to meet my family.

My wife and kids hated her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9xed/i_took_my_girlfriend_home_to_meet_my_family/
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Once upon a time, a small boy named Bashir lived in a tiny Pakistani village.

All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher, who always yelled at him saying "you are driving me crazy, Bashir".
One day his mother went to check how he was doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is a disaster, getting very low marks and that she had never seen a dumb boy like Bashir in her whole career and that nothing would ever become of him.
The mother could not accept such a feedback and she took her son out from that school and she eventually shifted to another city.
25 years passed and the teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform in another city.
Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful. When she opened her eyes, she saw the handsome face of the doctor, smiling at her. Being under the anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk. In turn, the doctor was staring at her face which started turning blue. She was raising her hand trying to tell him something but in vain and eventually she died.
The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw Bashir working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner.
If you were thinking that Bashir became a doctor, it's because you have been watching too many movies, serials or have read too many motivational forwarded messages.
Bashir is still Bashir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9w4k/once_upon_a_time_a_small_boy_named_bashir_lived/
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I got kicked off the lunch table today for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions

I said, “I will return”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9vgt/i_got_kicked_off_the_lunch_table_today_for_my_bad/
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Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and unless the building trade doesn’t pick up soon, Champion nails will go bust. Chester tells Stan about a new advertising company his mate  has set up. And arranges for Stan to meet up. The ad Co learns all about the nail business from Stan. They suggest an advertising campaign on TV at peak times. “We will go and get a commercial filmed especially tailored to promote Champion nails”. The ad exec says. A couple of weeks later, Stan goes to see the commercial that’s been made. On the tv screen appears ‘Champion Nails’  and the camera zooms in on a well presented pile of nails. “Our nails will fix anything” says the commentary. And then the picture changes to JC hanging on the cross! And yes you guessed it! Nailed with Champion nails. Buster is horrified and upset. He immediately turns the tv off and  shouts “Are you insane? You/I cannot have my company shown to have any part in this! For Gods sake, think of a better way to save my company”. The ad exec clearly seeing Stan is upset, promises to sort it out. “Leave it with me”, he says.
2 weeks later, Stan is back. On the tv screen again pops up ‘Champion nails’. And again the camera zooms in on a well presented pile of nails. “Our nails will fix anything” says the tv voice. And the next shot is an empty cross on a beautiful sandy beach. But, right in the very distance you can see 2 figures running anyway. The camera zooms in and its 2 Roman centurions chasing JC who is well ahead of them. The camera just catches up with the Romans as one turns to the other and says “this would not have happened if we had used Champion nails’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9tmm/champion_nails_is_in_trouble/
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An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9pn5/an_old_cowboy_went_to_a_bar_and_ordered_a_drink/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9nux/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
Anyone want to hear me make an Ikea joke?

Sorry, you'll have to make it yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9llh/anyone_want_to_hear_me_make_an_ikea_joke/
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What's the definition of cruel?

Announcing parents evening at an orphanage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9kj4/whats_the_definition_of_cruel/
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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best.
"I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9i87/nymphomaniac_convention/
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Does my Thai gf have a penis?

Something inside me says yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9f8w/does_my_thai_gf_have_a_penis/
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Whats a communists favorite insurance company?

Allstate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9f4u/whats_a_communists_favorite_insurance_company/
%
China: "We give up, Donald. What'll it take to end the Trade War?

Trump: "You'll have to move all of your factories to the US."
China: "We can't do that."
Trump: "That's too bad, because it's my way or the Huawei."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9dpz/china_we_give_up_donald_whatll_it_take_to_end_the/
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I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was

In the end I had to call it a day...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9cv6/i_spent_10_minutes_trying_to_remember_what_the/
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At first I thought it was great marrying an archeologist

But then I found out she was a gold digger and my life is in ruins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9bp5/at_first_i_thought_it_was_great_marrying_an/
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What did the plant say in the middle of the night?

"Man, I would kill for a light snack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs9azf/what_did_the_plant_say_in_the_middle_of_the_night/
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People who don't know the difference between etymology and entomology

bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs98a7/people_who_dont_know_the_difference_between/
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A beautiful woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn’t paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.
As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette  and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.
The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.
I wasn’t that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs94ya/a_beautiful_woman_was_filling_her_car_with_gas/
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Comedy!

Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everybody gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs94nd/comedy/
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Just got back from an r/jokes themed party.

It was terrible. Almost everyone was a twin or a triplet so it felt like I kept bumping into the same people over and over, and whenever somebody knocked on the door everyone just asked who it was rather than actually answering it.  To top it off, when after waiting 45 minutes I finally got to the front of the queue for alcohol it was just a bowl full of poor quality fruit juice with a small amount of cheap vodka. I mean, talk about a shit punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs91xe/just_got_back_from_an_rjokes_themed_party/
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My dog Minton ate my shuttlecock.

Bad Minton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8zsw/my_dog_minton_ate_my_shuttlecock/
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Where does a suicide bomber go when he dies?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8xvd/where_does_a_suicide_bomber_go_when_he_dies/
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Police officer during random road check: "Any drugs?"

"No Sir, we got enough of everything in the trunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8xs7/police_officer_during_random_road_check_any_drugs/
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It's 1976 and a man walks onto the Red Square and screams "Brezhnev is a idiot!" He is immediately arrested and given 15 years in prison

5 for sedition
10 for revealing a state secret

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8vqh/its_1976_and_a_man_walks_onto_the_red_square_and/
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Two young attractive men walk into a bar and order a couple of beers. Upon noticing two hot babes sitting at a table, alone, they summoned the bartender to send two drinks to the table.

The bartender warned them "Guys, they're lesbians, and they'll have no part of you."
After persisting, the bartender finally sent two drinks to the lesbians sitting at the table. The two lesbians invited the men to join them, so they obliged.
One lesbian asked one man if he would like to find out what a lesbian's thigh felt like. When he responded yes, the lesbian grabbed his hand and placed it on her thigh, moving it up and down. By now the young man was getting excited and aroused.
The lesbian then asked him if he would be interested in finding out what a lesbians breasts felt like. Enthusiastically, the young man nodded and she took his hand, ran it up the inside of her blouse until it was on her breasts.
The lesbian then asked the young and curious man if he would like to know what a lesbian's pussy smells like. Before the young man could even answer, the lesbian inhaled a huge breath of air and blew it in the young mans face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8vit/two_young_attractive_men_walk_into_a_bar_and/
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A man goes to a farm to purchase the most pregnant looking goat

Long story short that kids is how I met your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8u69/a_man_goes_to_a_farm_to_purchase_the_most/
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This Jewish girl asked for my number.

I told her, here in the US we go by names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8s55/this_jewish_girl_asked_for_my_number/
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I just watched Fight Club for the first time and I gotta say...

Oh shit, I almost broke the first rule.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8ru7/i_just_watched_fight_club_for_the_first_time_and/
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A man finds a genie lamp

He rubs it and out comes a genie he says: you have 3 wishes but there are 3 rules you can’t wish for love, money or more wishes
The man says: I want to not die a virgin
The genie grants him immortality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8qnu/a_man_finds_a_genie_lamp/
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What do call bleaching your asshole?

Changing your ringtone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8pab/what_do_call_bleaching_your_asshole/
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You are stuck in a locked room with nothing but a mirror and a chair. How do you escape?

You look at the chair, turn around, look in the mirror, see what you saw, take the saw, cut the chair in half, two halves make a whole and you climb through the hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8npf/you_are_stuck_in_a_locked_room_with_nothing_but_a/
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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary said, "I just pissed in the soup!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8nof/two_missionaries_in_africa_were_apprehended_by_a/
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A man is at his lowest point

He’s tried every drug, sipped every beer, and just generally been out of it. Trying to get better, he goes to a council of Buddhist monks and seeks their advice.
The eldest monk says to him, “I see, my child, that it is going to take more than just our usual methods to sober you up. I task you with a month of nonstop meditation, and if you succeed, you will be rewarded.”
The man, excited to see his reward, follows the monk’s orders and meditates for a month straight. Afterwards, he goes once again to the monks, and the eldest presents him with a box full of silver.
The monk, seeing that the man has only slightly recovered, says, “Now, my child, I will give you another reward. However, to earn this one, you must meditate for three months straight.”
The man finds this task harder, but manages to push through it. Three months later, he arrives, bearded and ready for his reward. The eldest monk again presents him with a box, this time full of gold.
“My child, it seems you’ve almost gotten clean.” The monk said, “Now, I will give you the most valuable thing we own if you meditate for 6 months straight.”
The man, exhausted but excited to find out what is more valuable than gold, once again pushes through. He comes back, 6 months later, sober, bearded and ready for his reward.
The eldest monk gifts him a box yet again. Excitedly, he opens it, and finds it full of platinum. Confused, he asked the monk, “Why did you give me these three gifts?”
“Because, my child,” the monk responded, “You need karma before you can have silver, gold, and platinum.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8mdv/a_man_is_at_his_lowest_point/
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You have piece of meat, a carpet, an egg and a blowjob. Which one doesn't belong?

A Blowjob.
You can beat a carpet, you can beat an egg, you can beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8lf3/you_have_piece_of_meat_a_carpet_an_egg_and_a/
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The local breakfast diner always seems to be hiring new pancake flippers

Must have a high turnover rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8fiw/the_local_breakfast_diner_always_seems_to_be/
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What do you call the Ghostbusters at the hospital?

Spawn camping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8ck2/what_do_you_call_the_ghostbusters_at_the_hospital/
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What do you call it when a dead person gets a boner?

A resurrection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8cb4/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_dead_person_gets_a/
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Class 3B go for a class trip into the woods one day.

The teacher says to Mary “what’s this tree made of?”
“I don’t know miss.”
“Bark you silly girl!”
Mary goes “woof woof!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8bpb/class_3b_go_for_a_class_trip_into_the_woods_one/
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This dude walks into a library and asks the librarian "have you got any books on paranoia"?

The librarians says, "They're right behind you"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8a16/this_dude_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_the/
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If you're struggling to know what to get someone for a present, get them a refrigerator

And watch their face light up when they open it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs87wm/if_youre_struggling_to_know_what_to_get_someone/
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What do you call a pepper that won’t leave you alone?

Jalapeño business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs86cj/what_do_you_call_a_pepper_that_wont_leave_you/
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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.
If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.
“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air.
Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” he answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
“Only if it’s raining.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs8577/a_woman_was_having_an_affair_while_her_husband/
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Guys, I think I'm finally ready to stop being single!!

Now, where's that damned shotgun?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs842c/guys_i_think_im_finally_ready_to_stop_being_single/
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Have I ever told you the story of the lemon and the priest? I don’t think so.

There was an American priest, who just finished being ordained. His first assignment was in Venezuela, where he would travel to different villages and hold church services. On Sunday, he went to the main village, and on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, he went to different smaller villages, which left Saturday to be a day of rest.
On his first day, which was a Saturday, he spent his time meeting the villagers and learning about their cultures and the villages. Then came Sunday, which was his first church services. He made it something about giving to others and being part of something larger than yourself, which really resonated with the townsfolk. After the mass, and old man hobbled over to the priest. “Father, may I please have half of a lemon?”
“What use do you have with half of a lemon?” Asked the priest.
“I cannot say.”
“Farewell. Here is your lemon.” And the old man just hobbled away as soon as the priest turned his back.
Throughout the week, the priest traveled to different villages, bringing his knowledge and love to the villagers. It was the second Sunday since he had arrived, and the priest gave another very good sermon. After the mass, the same old man approached the priest and asked for the lemon, but right as the priest gave him the lemon, and before he could ask about it, the old man hobbled away. The priest was curious, but didn’t do much about it.
This continued for another month, each week, the old man asked for another half of a lemon. Eventually, he decided he was going to follow the old man. So when he gave him the half of a lemon the next week, he chased after him. At first, the old man just hobbled along, but once he got into a small alley, he started running. Then, as he reached the open fields, he broke out into a full-on sprint. The priest, in no shape to follow, quickly slowed down, and returned to the village. After this encounter, he decided to train, so every day, he would wake up 1 hour early and go running. He did this for 3 whole months.
Finally, he felt ready to catch the old man. After giving another outstanding service, the old man asked for another half of a lemon. As soon as the left the church, the priest dashed after him. Once they got to a small alley, the old man started jogging. And then they reached the open fields, and he started sprinting. This time, however, the priest could keep up. The ran for about 2 miles, and reached a river with raging rapids. Rocks poked out randomly, and it led to a waterfall. Without hesitating, the old man dove into the water and swam across. The priest, unfortunately didn’t know how to swim, so he returned to the village. That was when he decided to wake up 2 hours earlier, 1 hour for running, and 1 hours for swimming.
As 3 months passed, he determined that he was ready to chase the old man, and finally find out what he is up to. So after the church service, he gave the old man half of a lemon. When he hobbled out of the door, the priest was in hot pursuit. The old man turned down an alleyway and started jogging, and once he reached the fields, he started sprinting. As the arrived at the river, the old man dove in the water without a second thought. The priest, a little more careful than the old man, took his time crossing the water, as he didn’t want to get hurt. When he climbed out of the river, the old man was nowhere to be found. It seemed he ran off into the thick forest, but the priest knew mother about tracking people, so he returned to the village.
When he arrived, he asked the local hunters could teach him their ways. They said yes, but only if he went out hunting with them. So he did, going every Saturday with the hunters, and learning tricks such as tracking prey, cornering them, and how to not end up getting followed yourself. After 6 months, the priest was proficient in their ways, and he felt ready to chase the old man.
After giving yet another mass in the beautiful church, he handed the old man half of a lemon. The old man hobbled out of the door, and the priest followed. They turned down a dark alley, and once they were in the fields, it was a full sprint. As the reached the river, the old man dove in carelessly, as he did before. The priest then followed, crossing quicker then he did previously. Once he climbed out of the river bank, he ran over to the woods. There, he used his knew found skills to track the old man to a clearing, where he was resting. The old man saw the priest, yelped, and ran away. The priest, still chasing the old man, followed him all the way to a gigantic tree. There, the old man climbed up the tree with ease. The priest, however, was unable to climb the tree, so he returned to the village.
He concluded that in order to catch the old man, he must learn how to climb, so every day, he would wake up 3 hours early, 1 hour of running, 1 hour of swimming, and 1 hour of climbing (whatever he could find, including the old church itself). After 3 months of doing this, he felt ready to finally catch the old man. After giving him half of a lemon, he chased him through the town, into the fields, swam through the river, and made it to the woods, where the old man stopped to rest in a new clearing. He ran to the giant tree, and climbed up like it was nothing, and the priest followed on his tail. When they reached the top, the old man started swinging from vine to vine, but the priest didn’t know which vines were poisonous and which would actually hold his weight, so he went back to the village.
There, he employed the help of the gardeners, who knew everything there is to know about plants. He spent 6 months of Saturdays learning the different plants, including vines. Finally, he was ready to catch the old man. When he gave the old man the lemon, he dashed out of the church to catch him. He ran through the field, swam through the river with ease, and chased him all the way to the gigantic tree, which the both climbed up relatively quickly. This time, the priest was able to follow the old man through the vines, all the way to a house. The old man dashed inside the little shack and locked the door. “Let me in” said the priest, but he got no response. So he went back home.
This time, he went to the locksmith, who agreed to help teach him to pick locks, but only if the priest learned how to make locks first. So the priest spent every Saturday for 6 months learning this trade, and eventually, he was ready to finally catch the old man. He handed him the lemon, and chased the old man through the village. The made it across the river, and into the clearing. He chased the old man all the way up the big tree, and they both swung across the vines like Tarzan. When the priest made it to the shack, he picked the lock open. He entered the little shack, which had no windows, and realized he couldn’t see. “Crap, I forgot a flashlight.” He exclaimed.
The next week, he made sure he had a flashlight. He chased the old man all through the village, down to the river, out into the clearing, up the biggest tree in the woods, through the vines like a monkey, and all the way to the little shack. The priest picked the lock, and entered the house with the flashlight on. There, he saw the old man huddle in the corner. “ It’s ok. I only want to know what you are doing with these lemons.” He said.
The old man replied: “ Ok, but only if you promise to never tell a soul.”
“I swear to god” said the priest.
So the old man walked up to him, and whispered into his ear. And like the priest promised, he never told a single soul what the old man does with those lemons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs81jt/have_i_ever_told_you_the_story_of_the_lemon_and/
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A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey and says "my wife has left me and I'd like your finest lady for the night."

The madam says "no problem, but what's with the honey comb and the mule?"
The dwarf replies, "My wife found a magic lamp and the genie granted her three wishes. She asked for a home fit for a queen and she was given this honey comb. Then she asked for the finest ass in all the land and this donkey appeared. Then she asked for my willie to hang below my knee."
The madam says "well the third one doesnt seem so bad"
The dwarf exclaims "Bullshit, I used to be 6 foot 3!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs80t7/a_dwarf_walks_into_a_brothel_with_a_honeycomb_and/
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My doctor told me it's super common to get an erection during a prostate exam, but I'm not convinced.

After all, my old doctor never got one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs80hz/my_doctor_told_me_its_super_common_to_get_an/
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The past, present and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs7z65/the_past_present_and_future_walked_into_a_bar/
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I was fired from my job as a mime today.

I didn’t go quietly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs7z45/i_was_fired_from_my_job_as_a_mime_today/
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According to commercials, women are like Picasso.

They have a blue period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs7wlh/according_to_commercials_women_are_like_picasso/
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I was honored at my dentist's office for "Most Infrequent Visits"

My reward was a gift card and plaque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs7oqy/i_was_honored_at_my_dentists_office_for_most/
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How do trains drink?

They chug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs7m2i/how_do_trains_drink/
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Golf joke

A man was stranded on a desert island for many years. One day a woman swims up in a wetsuit.
She says to the man, "I'll bet it's been a long time since you had a cigarette."
He says, "OMG I've wanted one for years." She reaches inside her wetsuit and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and he smokes three of them, one after the other.
The woman says, "I'll bet it's been a long time since you had a drink."
He says, "Oh, I'm dying for one." She reaches inside her wetsuit and pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He guzzles the whole thing down in one go.
The woman says, "I'll bet it's been a long time since you played around."
He says, "You've got a set of golf clubs in there too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs7i9n/golf_joke/
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When I was younger I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body.

Then I was born...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs7gis/when_i_was_younger_i_felt_like_a_man_trapped_in_a/
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If a group of anti-vaxx kids play spin the bottle

Is it considered a mass suicide?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs7dj6/if_a_group_of_antivaxx_kids_play_spin_the_bottle/
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Why can’t Iron man wear Spiderman’s suit?

He’s dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs7b59/why_cant_iron_man_wear_spidermans_suit/
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Why did Soviet-era submarines perform so poorly?

They suffered from deep Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs74dd/why_did_sovietera_submarines_perform_so_poorly/
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Man: Honey, why you cutting those potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dreams about penis-shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do.
Man: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about?
Grandpa: DICTATORSSSS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs72ki/man_honey_why_you_cutting_those_potatoes_into/
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A little boy goes walking by the old man’s house...(NSFW)

...carrying a roll of duct tape. The old man hollers from his porch, “Hey, young man! Where you walking to with that duct tape?” The boy responds, “I’m gonna catch me some ducks!” The old man laughs and yells back, “Boy, don’t you know you can’t catch ducks with duct tape?”  The little boy just smiles, waves, and keeps on walking. An hour later he walks back past the old man’s house, this time with a string of ducks on his duct tape. The old man thinks, “I’ll be damned.”
The next day, the boy walks by the old man’s house carrying some chicken wire. The old man hollers from his porch, “Boy, now where you going today with that chicken wire?” The boy responds, “I’m gonna go catch me some chickens!” The old man yells back, “Son, you don’t catch chickens with chicken wire! Have some sense!” The little boy just smiles, waves, and keeps on walking. An hour later he walks back past the old man’s house, this time dragging chickens home behind him. The old man thinks to himself, “You gotta be shittin’ me.”
The next day, the boy walks by the old man’s house with a pussy willow stick in his hand. The old man hollers from his porch, “Boy.....let me get my shoes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs72bb/a_little_boy_goes_walking_by_the_old_mans/
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We ordered a Chinese takeaway last night from a local place (I won't name them)

and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!! I  thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I  could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I  leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and  there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the  prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something,  so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
>!... A Peeking Duck!!!!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs722g/we_ordered_a_chinese_takeaway_last_night_from_a/
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Only Anti-Vaxxers Will Get This

Smallpox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs71cg/only_antivaxxers_will_get_this/
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A pun I found while cleaning out my school papers

A musician told me he was going to hit me with a guitar.
Is that a fret?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs70x7/a_pun_i_found_while_cleaning_out_my_school_papers/
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How many times do you have to tickle an octopus for it to laugh?

Ten tickles 😁

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs6yur/how_many_times_do_you_have_to_tickle_an_octopus/
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I saw a homeless man and gave him 1$

Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.78$

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs6yqs/i_saw_a_homeless_man_and_gave_him_1/
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Happy marriage

One day a young man asks his grandfather, "How have you and Grandma had successful marriage?"
The old man replies  "When we first got married we made a very important agreement. As the man, I would handle all of the big important decisions. Then she would handle all the smaller less important ones."
The grandson asks "why did that work?" The grandfather says "Nothing important never came up."
My professor tells me it was an old Bosnian joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs6ueo/happy_marriage/
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A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.
To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn into a work of art. Not wanting to lose her, Johnny immediately agrees to pay her for each season.
In the spring, she mows pictures of birds singing from trees. In the summer, she mows images of children frolicking in the fields. In the autumn, the gardener mows pictures of leaves falling gently from bare trees.
His yard is the pride of the neighborhood, and people drive from hundreds of miles away just to see it. By this time Johnny is completely smitten by her, but is too shy to say how he feels. He offers more money, but she refuses and says the current arrangement is fine.
As fall comes to an end, the weather turns cold, and soon the ground will be covered in white. Johnny doesn't want to take the chance of losing her when spring arrives, so he offers to pay her this season too.
She says, you owe nothing John. Snow, and winter, is coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs6tuj/a_pretty_girl_knocks_on_the_door_and_asks_if_he/
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A man goes to the Council to apply for a job

The interviewer asks him, ''Are you allergic to anything?''
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.''
''OK, have you ever been in the military
service?''
he says, ''l was in Iraq for one tour.''
The interviewer says, ''That will give you 5
extra points toward employment.'' The interviewer then asks, ''Are you disabled in any way?''
The man says, ''Yes. A bomb exploded near
me and I lost both my testicles.''
The interviewer grimaces and then says,
''Okay. You've got enough points for me to
hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."
The man is puzzled and asks, ''If the work
hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't
you want me here until 10?"
''This is a government job," the interviewer
says. ''For the first two hours, we just stand
around drinking coffee and scratching our
balls. No point in you coming in for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs6l6b/a_man_goes_to_the_council_to_apply_for_a_job/
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Why do IT specialists have poor sex life?

They always turn their partners on and off again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs6hkg/why_do_it_specialists_have_poor_sex_life/
%
Wife (signing divorce papers): I'm sorry I ever married you.

Me:  apology accepted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs6glu/wife_signing_divorce_papers_im_sorry_i_ever/
%
Don't listen to people who bring you down.

Everybody told Beethoven that he couldn't continue producing music because he wasn't able to hear anymore..
But did he listen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs6gkc/dont_listen_to_people_who_bring_you_down/
%
I got a good price on frozen treats at my local grocery store

So you can bet I’ll be eating Aldi ice cream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs6c5p/i_got_a_good_price_on_frozen_treats_at_my_local/
%
A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs6c4x/a_sperm_donor_a_carpenter_and_julius_caesar/
%
I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"
"Go away" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" She proceeds to close the door.
Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open."Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum does not remove all traces of manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said "well let me get you a fork, cause they cut off my electricity this morning.
Credits goes to the homemade humor.
Sadly their site isn't around any more so I thought I can share some of their best works with you all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs6b9h/i_told_you_i_was_broke/
%
Antivaxxers are eco friendly!

They dramatically reduce their children's carbon footprint!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs68ve/antivaxxers_are_eco_friendly/
%
A Russian metal worker named Yetzel lives in the countryside.

Every day he does back-breaking work at a factory, pounding metal slabs and preparing them to be sold. He make 2 rubles a month, and goes through many hardships daily, what with barely having enough money to feed his 29 children and provide clothes for them all.
One day, Yetzel goes to the recreation center in the city and sees something on the bulletin board: “Swimming lessons:20 rubles” and he immediately knows that’s what he wants to do, but, alas, poor Yetzel only makes 2 rubles a month, and this will take almost 2 years to save up for!
But Yetzel is nothing if not patient, and he saves up for 2 years until he has the funds to sign up for the swimming lessons.
Every day Yetzel goes to the factory, doing back breaking work, and suffering through the hardships his 39 children bring him. At night, he walks 37 miles to the city in order to practice his swimming. The recreation center closes at 8 pm, but he always manages to sneak in.
Until, one day, he sees a new message on the bulletin board: “Diving lessons. 35 rubles”
‘Oh, no, that’s much too much.’ Yetzel thinks. But his heart is already set on these diving lessons.
As Yetzel saves for almost 5 years rumors about him start to spread. Soon everyone in Russia has heard of this man who appears from nowhere and swims for hours every night before disappearing in the morning. He is supposedly the best swimmer in the world.
For 5 years Yetzel continued to suffer through the hardships that making almost no money from his backbreaking job and having 68 children tend to bring, until he had the funds for diving.
He walked the full 73 miles to the city and paid the teacher for the diving lessons, head held high and morale boosted.
Now, Yetzel didn’t just practice his breaststroke and freestyle, he also learned to fly through the air like a magnificent bird before crashing gracefully into the water.
The rumors continued. People all over the world started to know who Yetzel was.
But then the bulletin changed: “Cruise to America: 100 rubles”. Yetzel saw the message and knew 100 rubles was much too much.
But, that night he dreamed of America and the opportunities there, and the next morning he knew he would save.
Yetzel saved for 27 years. He lost his job in the metal factory and had to find a new one that only paid half a ruble per month. His 114 kids continued to bring him hardships and the 93 mile journey to the city he walked every night didn’t help.
But, one day, he bought his ticket and boarded the ship.
By now, everyone knew of Yetzel, and whispers could be heard around the deck.
“Is that Yetzel?”
“The famous swimmer?”
“I’ve never seen him in person before!”
They asked Yetzel if he would dive and swim for them in the ship’s pool, and he agreed, saying he would do it the next morning.
That night, the pool was drained because of AIDS, although no one on the ship was informed this was happening.
The next morning saw Yetzel climbing the diving board, too lost in his own thoughts to even notice there was no water in the pool.
“Yetzel! Yetzel! The pool is drained!” People shouted to him, tried to warn him, but he was too far up the ladder to hear.
Eventually he reached the top and bounced on the board a couple times before jumping off and going
Down
Down
Down
CRASH
Yetzel slammed into the bottom of the pool, but, to everyone’s surprised, he went through the 1st deck, then the 2nd, then the 3rd, all the way into the Atlantic Ocean.
He popped up for air along the side of the boat and the crew through him a life saver, pulling him in.
“Yetzel, how did you do that?” They asked.
“Well,” he smiled, “I’ve been through many hard ships in my life.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs67mi/a_russian_metal_worker_named_yetzel_lives_in_the/
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My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs62yd/my_girlfriend_kept_telling_me_to_treat_her_like_a/
%
I'm trying to give up sexual inuendos

It's hard, so hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs613k/im_trying_to_give_up_sexual_inuendos/
%
My doctor says it's common to get an erection during a prostate exam

I never do, but he does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs5yg0/my_doctor_says_its_common_to_get_an_erection/
%
How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs5y9h/how_many_pushups_can_chuck_norris_do/
%
Do you know why they called him Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader never would have worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs5y33/do_you_know_why_they_called_him_lord_vader/
%
I can’t stand people who take drugs

Like the police or airport security

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs5qts/i_cant_stand_people_who_take_drugs/
%
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The Polar Bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs5opu/whats_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
%
I remember the last thing Grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket.

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs5n6b/i_remember_the_last_thing_grandpa_said_to_me/
%
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do
for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's
nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and
charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple
would make an appointment, have sex with no
problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you
trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband
replied
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm
married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn
charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here
for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs5m6x/a_couple_both_age_78_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
%
Elderly couple

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs5ikz/elderly_couple/
%
Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs5ds9/why_did_the_turtle_cross_the_road/
%
I almost got raped in jail.

My family takes Monopoly way to seriously.
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs5d51/i_almost_got_raped_in_jail/
%
Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.

I'm off to the police station to look at mug shots.
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs5ald/someone_stole_my_coffee_cup_from_work_today/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.......
I love this joke because it never grows old...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs5aeu/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
A mathematician, a scientist, and an economist walk past a field of cows.

The mathematician says "Those cows are brown on this side."
The scientist says "Those are brown cows."
The economist wrinkles his brow, nods, and says "All cows are brown."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs57dy/a_mathematician_a_scientist_and_an_economist_walk/
%
I like elephants.

Everything else is irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs514k/i_like_elephants/
%
“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs4rcs/oh_my_god_youre_turning_into_a_vampire_i_didnt/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke.

When it leaves you and never comes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs4r9k/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs4pce/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
Suicide Jokes are never funny.

I swear to god I'm gonna shoot myself if I see another one hit the front page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs4o7o/suicide_jokes_are_never_funny/
%
When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs4o2n/when_my_wife_told_me_i_had_to_stop_impersonating/
%
AI Doctor.

Guy hurts his arm. It's painful so he goes to his doctor.
The receptionist says "it's all AI now, just supply a sample of your urine and put it in the machine"
The guy things "weird but o.k'., does a sample, puts it in the machine.
A minute later a message appears. 'You have a small fracture in your right ulna. Place your arm  in the machine and it will be provided with a cast. Take the medication provided and come back in two weeks. Please provide a urine sample and be more careful in future'
The guy thinks that's a bit rude but complies.
Two weeks later, another urine sample. 'Your arm is healing, but you have missed two medications. Please comply to stop wasting valuable medical resources. Come back in two weeks and provide a urine sample.'
The guy is fed up with this uppity machine. So two weeks later he gets his wife to provide a urine sample. Then jacks off into it for good measure.
The message read. Your wife is pregnant. The father is your friend Rick. And stop masturbating or that arm will never get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs4ilz/ai_doctor/
%
I threw my ball into the crowd after I won the game.

And that's why they won't let me go bowling anymore.
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs4fw5/i_threw_my_ball_into_the_crowd_after_i_won_the/
%
I bought a disobedient donkey and named him Oedipus...

He’s a bad ass mother fucker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs4d0o/i_bought_a_disobedient_donkey_and_named_him/
%
If you get an email that says canned ham can cause swine flu..

Just delete it because it's Spam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs4bsz/if_you_get_an_email_that_says_canned_ham_can/
%
The limitations of mathematics

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are observing an empty house.
Two people walk into the house, and three people walk out of the house.
"Ah," says the physicist, "we must have been wrong - the house was not initially empty."
"Hm," says the biologist, "I believe that they must have reproduced."
"Well," says the mathematician, "I can tell you that if one more person walks into the house, then the house will be empty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs48q6/the_limitations_of_mathematics/
%
What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on your organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs45cp/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
An old one from good will hunting. (Slightly NSFW)

I love this movie. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it on Netflix.
So Will tells this joke during therapy:
A pilot is flying a commercial Airline plane. He says his whole “we’ll be cruising at 30K feet” thing, but when he finishes, he forgets to turn the mic off.
He turns to the co pilot and says,
“Y’know what I could really go for right now? A blowjob and a cup of coffee.”
Everyone hears this including the flight attendant.
She runs to the cockpit as fast as she can to warn the pilots, but as she goes up the isle, someone in the seats says, “hey hun! Don’t forget the coffee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs419m/an_old_one_from_good_will_hunting_slightly_nsfw/
%
Who is Roald Dahl's favourite rapper?

The Notorious B.F.G
Note: This is my second attempt at spreading this joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs3zv7/who_is_roald_dahls_favourite_rapper/
%
An old man and his wife were in the kitchen 1 day

The man was very hard of hearing and made breakfast for his wife. The woman enjoyed it very much and said “honey I’m so proud of you”
The man couldn’t hear so he responded “huh” the woman than said it a little bit louder, “Honey I said I am proud of you!” The man still couldn’t hear and said “huh” once again. Now the woman is yelling “HONEY IM PROUD OF YOU” he immediately responds with “well damn I’m tired of you too”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs3v8d/an_old_man_and_his_wife_were_in_the_kitchen_1_day/
%
Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

Then The Police came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs3skz/me_and_a_couple_of_friends_once_played_message_in/
%
I went to the shop to pick up 8 cans of sprite

But when I got home I relised I only picked 7up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs3q3r/i_went_to_the_shop_to_pick_up_8_cans_of_sprite/
%
what's the difference between a bird and a fly?

a bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
(credit to mr bean joke book i had when i was a kid)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs3mhi/whats_the_difference_between_a_bird_and_a_fly/
%
HBO may have ruled out a GOT spinoff with Arya

But they haven't ruled out a sitcom that follows Tyrion and Bran as they rule the six kingdoms
"Two Half Men"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs3m72/hbo_may_have_ruled_out_a_got_spinoff_with_arya/
%
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs3ims/a_physicist_sees_a_young_man_about_to_jump_off/
%
Cough Syrup

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the blonde clerk:
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist said:"You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds,"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs3ccn/cough_syrup/
%
What has feathers and a beak and goes quick?

A South African duck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs3awu/what_has_feathers_and_a_beak_and_goes_quick/
%
What did Sonic the Hedgehog say during Ramadan?

Gotta go fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs33tl/what_did_sonic_the_hedgehog_say_during_ramadan/
%
What's the best way for an incel to get his dick wet?

Taking a bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs30uv/whats_the_best_way_for_an_incel_to_get_his_dick/
%
Three men die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.

He says to the first man, "Welcome to Heaven! Back on Earth, what denomination were you?"
The first man say, "I was a devout Presbyterian".
St. Peter says, "Excellent! Then go to door 10, but when you pass door number 2, be very quiet."
He then asks the second man, "When you were on Earth, what denomination were you?"
The second man replies, "I was the pastor of my Methodist church!"
St. Peter says, "Wonderful! Make your way to door 6, but when you pass door 2, be very quiet."
St. Peter asks the last man, "What denomination were you on Earth?"
The man says, "I was Lutheran. Part of the Missouri Synod."
St. Peter says, "You know the drill. Go to door 12, but be very quiet when you pass door 2."
The last man says, "Why is it we need to be so quiet when we go past door 2?"
St. Peter replies, "Because that's where the Catholics are and they think they're the only ones here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs30uj/three_men_die_and_go_to_heaven_st_peter_meets/
%
A couple take their son to a nude beach for the day...

“Go run off and play while I get a tan” said the mum.
So the boy and his dad went off. Ten minutes later, the boy comes back to his mum.
“Mummy, why does that girl have bigger boobs then you?”
The mother was shocked but quickly answered: “Don’t worry honey, the bigger the boobs, the dumber the girl”
So the boy runs off to play again. Ten minutes later the boy runs back to his mum.
“Mummy, why does that man have a bigger penis then daddy?”
The mother giggled at this one.
“Don’t worry honey, the bigger the penis, the dumber the man”
So the boy runs off again. Ten minutes later he comes back:
“Mummy, Mummy! Daddy’s talking to the dumbest girl on the beach! And the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs2zyd/a_couple_take_their_son_to_a_nude_beach_for_the/
%
People in the Lee family are extremely proud

Ah Fook came back home after the first day of first grade. He told his mother about what happened at school.
Fook: "Teacher told us to count our numbers. All the other students only counted to 15 while I counted to 50. Is that because I'm a Lee?"
Mother: "No darling, it's because you listen to your mother."
Fook: "Teacher told us to list our alphabet. My classmates can only list it to G while I listed to O. Is that because I'm a Lee?"
Mother: "No dear, it's because you listen to your mother."
Fook: "Teacher told us to stand together in a line. I was three times taller than the rest of my classmates. Is that because I'm a Lee?"
Mother: "No son, it's because you're 24 years old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs2xes/people_in_the_lee_family_are_extremely_proud/
%
2 Irishmen walking down a country road

One of the men says to the other, “Paddy look!, there’s a gravestone of a man who lived to 250 years old!”
Paddy says “What was his name?”
Brendan replies “Miles to London”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs2x0h/2_irishmen_walking_down_a_country_road/
%
I met a girl at a bar

After a few drinks we end up back at her place, she said she likes it kinky and wanted me to tie her up to the bed, so she gets naked and I tie her arms and legs to the bed, she looked at me and said, "now you can do anything you want!"
So I stole her TV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs2u6m/i_met_a_girl_at_a_bar/
%
What cheese is made backwards?

Edam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs2thp/what_cheese_is_made_backwards/
%
Two options.

So this man, let’s call him a sexist, doesn’t want to work for a female for some reason, and because of this, he has two options:
He becomes a policeman, or becomes a builder.
If he becomes a policeman, everything’s okay, but if he becomes a builder, he has two options:
Either he wears a hard hat, or he doesn’t wear a hard hat. If he wears a hard hat, everything’s okay. But if he doesn’t wear a hard hat, he has two options:
Either a small rock falls on his head, or a big rock falls on his head. If a small rock falls on his head, everything’s okay. But if a big rock falls on his head, he has two options:
Either he gets knocked out, or he dies. If he gets knocked out, everything’s okay. But if he dies, he has two options:
Either he’s buried in a single grave, or a family grave. If he’s buried in a single grave, everything’s on okay. But if he’s buried in a family grave, he has two options:
Either he is buried at the bottom, or the top of the grave. If he’s buried at the bottom, everything’s okay. But if he’s buried at the top, he has two options:
Either an apple tree grows on him, or an acorn tree grows on him. If an apple tree grows on him, everything’s okay. But if an acorn tree grows on him, he has two options:
Either he’s made into paper, or made into toilet paper. If he’s made into paper, everything’s okay. But if he’s made into toilet paper, he has two options:
Either he’s used in a males toilet, or a females toilet. If he’s used in a males toilet, everything’s okay. But if he’s used in a females toilet.
Well, all of that was for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs2pfp/two_options/
%
An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all pensive and somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,
"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."
"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.
The Communist then turns to another friend.
"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."
"No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven" says Petya.
"Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day."
"Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace" says Misha.
"Thank you so much guys for being with me throughout all these years" says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon and a complete dick."
His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says.
"And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass."
Just as his friends were about to say something, the old communist took his last breath and died.
So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting:
"Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs2p86/an_old_russian_communist_is_on_his_deathbed/
%
A bear and a rabbit

were in the woods taking a crap next to each other.
The Bear looked a the rabbit and said "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
"Not really" said the rabbit. So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs2ll4/a_bear_and_a_rabbit/
%
Global Warming is Real!

My dad used to always walk to school up hill in the snow both ways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs2l6l/global_warming_is_real/
%
I named my horse Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs2gn0/i_named_my_horse_mayo/
%
A naked woman goes into a cab

The cabby stares at her and the woman sneered " What?  Never seen a naked woman before?".
The guy replied, " I'm just wondering where's the money you're going to pay me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs2b5j/a_naked_woman_goes_into_a_cab/
%
I watched a porn movie with a chicken and an egg

I came first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs2asp/i_watched_a_porn_movie_with_a_chicken_and_an_egg/
%
What's common between long distance relationships and fat chicks?

Both don't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs294o/whats_common_between_long_distance_relationships/
%
Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be two of them and now it's  a really sensitive subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs27w4/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
Why is 1 = 0?

cos 0 = 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs2541/why_is_1_0/
%
What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs211j/what_do_you_call_a_smart_blonde/
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Farmer Fred's Pig

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs20ge/farmer_freds_pig/
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Golf pro returns home

Back in the sixties an Irish golfer makes it big in the USA and becomes a millionaire. Wanting to celebrate his success he arranges for a trip back to his lovely green Isle and since he's also a bit of a braggard, he pays to have his very flashy Buick convertible sent back with him on a ship.
Cruising around the Irish countryside he turns a lot of heads and he really loves the attention. During one of these trips, he has to stop for gas and pulls up to a small gas station manned by a young kid named Patrick. The golfer gets out and rests against the car while the kid works the pump.
"So, ever seen a car like this?"
The kid shakes his head beaming excitement.
"No, never. It's the coolest car I've ever seen!"
The golfer smirks and reaches into the car, pressing a button. With a mechanical whirl, the canopy folds up and Patrick is looking on excitedly.
"Wow! What kind of car is this?!"
"It's an American car. It's a Buick. Only one in Ireland."
Again he reaches into the car and turns on the radio, pointing at the antenna that extends automatically.
"Amazing! This car can do everything!"
The pump rings out and Patrick informs what it's going to cost. The golfer reaches into his pocket for his wallet and when he pulls it out, a golf tee drops out of his pocket. Patrick points at it.
"What's that?"
"It's a tee. It's something you put your balls on when you're driving."
"Those American cars - they have EVERYTHING!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs20c1/golf_pro_returns_home/
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I've just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody...

I think it was filmed in a cinema though as I see a little silhouetto of a man...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs1x86/ive_just_downloaded_the_queen_movie_bohemian/
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I like my coffee the way I like my women

Cold and bitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs1wkp/i_like_my_coffee_the_way_i_like_my_women/
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What do you call a very rich Chinese person?

Ka Ching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs1rq2/what_do_you_call_a_very_rich_chinese_person/
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What do you call a Chinese cat leader?

Meow Zedong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs1o23/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_cat_leader/
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I sat with my friend in his house and we had both taken some LSD.

As it started to kick in I said, 'Wow, I never  thought you actually saw elephants on this stuff.'
He said, 'Shut up and keep watching my wedding video.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs1nj0/i_sat_with_my_friend_in_his_house_and_we_had_both/
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My wife and I were on our last warning with the landlord.

Then one day I phoned reluctantly and said, "Mate, I just did an enormous poo and now there's a blockage."
"Goodness me," he cried. "You guys can't do anything right can you? What has your wife said?"
I said, "Next time don't use the sink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs1mtk/my_wife_and_i_were_on_our_last_warning_with_the/
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7 year old and 4 year old are in their bedroom

7 year old in a 4 year old they're in their bedroom.
"You know what"? Says the 7 year old.
"I think it's time we started swearing. Lets go downstairs I'll swear first, then you"
"Ok" says the 4 year old.
Mom asks the 7 year old what he would like for breakfast.
"I'll have Coco Puffs, bitch"
WHACK! He flew out of his chair crying his eyes out
Mom looked at the 4 year old and said sternly, "and what do you want"?
"Dunno, but it won't be fuckin Coco Puffs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs1mkq/7_year_old_and_4_year_old_are_in_their_bedroom/
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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.
She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles. Now, said my wife, I want you to recognize that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things – your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children – anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed.
The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, the pub, porn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important.
I was dumbfounded. Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs1kba/my_wife_stood_before_me_with_some_items_in_front/
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Anyone else with social anxiety want to meet up tomorrow?

Oh wait, shit,  I can't make it. I'm too busy.
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs1k9k/anyone_else_with_social_anxiety_want_to_meet_up/
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What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito

Himalarya

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs1hzk/what_do_you_call_the_worlds_tallest_mosquito/
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A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.

“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!”
“Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs1h1i/a_blind_clown_is_asked_to_perform_at_a_childrens/
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A man walks into a bar

and bets the bartender $200 he can take his eye out of his head. The bartender agrees, thinking it impossible, but the man takes out his eye, revealing it to be glass.
The man then bets the bartender $500 he can bite his own eye. The bartender agrees, only for him to take out the same glass eye and bite it. The bartender is annoyed that he took the bet, considering he already knew he had a glass eye.
The man says to the bartender, “You know what, here’s a chance to make all your money back and then some. I bet you $50,000 dollars that if you slid a shot glass across the bar, I could run alongside it and piss into it and not miss a single drop, given two tries.” The bartender thinks this really is impossible, so accepts.
So the man pulls his pants down to his ankles. The bartender slides the glass down, but the man is only able to get two drops in the glass, the rest all over the counter. The man points out he has a second try, so he goes again, only for the glass to be completely dry once it reaches the other end of the bar.
The bartender jumps up and down with joy, having just won $49,300. Just then, a man in the back of the bar loudly yells “FUCK!” The bartender hurries over to ask what was wrong.
“I just bet that guy $500,000 that he would piss all over your bar and you’d be so happy about it that you would jump up and down in the air.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs1gmn/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My girlfriend has been having a really hard time with her hay fever and diabetes, so I thought I’d get her something nice.

Nothing fancy, just some flowers and chocolates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs1b9b/my_girlfriend_has_been_having_a_really_hard_time/
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Me: Doc, I am suddenly afraid of random letters

Doc: You Are?
Me: *screams*
Doc: Oh I See...
Me: *screaming intesifies*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs1abw/me_doc_i_am_suddenly_afraid_of_random_letters/
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Quick question

How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs15f4/quick_question/
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There once was a lady from China, who had a great big....

...cargo liner.
Shipping drinks of crushed fruit
90 sailors to boot
She had a boat load of sea-men 'n cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs15dn/there_once_was_a_lady_from_china_who_had_a_great/
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Me: Doctor, I am afraid of directions

Therapist: right
Me: *screaming*
Therapist: *What’s up?*
Me: *screaming intensifies*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs14tp/me_doctor_i_am_afraid_of_directions/
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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry.  And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs11m9/my_grandma_used_to_tell_us_this_joke_shed_say/
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Why does Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey Tea?

Because all proper-tea is theft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs104b/why_does_karl_marx_dislike_earl_grey_tea/
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A man's head was found on the beach the other night and there was a note in a bottle next to him,

It said "I don't need no body".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs0z9m/a_mans_head_was_found_on_the_beach_the_other/
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs0si1/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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Back during the Cold War, the CIA, FBI and KGB decide to have a contest...

To prove they are the best secret service in the world, they'll have to find a rabbit in a forest.
CIA go first. After 24 hours,  they get out of the forest and announce that they listened to every conversation in the forest, checked for strange lights in the sky, overthrew the King Stag, and that they can conclude that no rabbit has ever lived in this forest and that it was just a rumor.
FBI then enter the forest, and after pestering local law enforcment come back 12 hours later with a dead rabbit. They announce that the rabbit had a weapon and threatened their agents, and got what was coming for him.
KGB go last and enter the forest in numbers. 1 hour after, they come back with a bear in chains. They point him to the camera and the bear goes :
\- I'm a rabbit. All my family were rabbits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs0ry0/back_during_the_cold_war_the_cia_fbi_and_kgb/
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What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs0njc/what_do_you_call_a_can_opener_that_doesnt_work/
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My coworker is unable to attend next week’s innuendo seminar

I have to fill her slot instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs0n6q/my_coworker_is_unable_to_attend_next_weeks/
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ID10T Error

Tech Support: Good Morning,  Harry speaking how can I help?
Caller: Hi, my machine won't power on!
Tech Support: Ok, have you tried pressing the power button
Caller: Yes, done that still not working
Tech Support: Okay can you check the cables at the back of the machine?
Caller: I can't
Tech Support: What do you mean you cant?
Caller: It's too Dark
Tech Support: Okay can you turn a light on?
Caller: I can't there is a power cut.
\[Call Ends\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs0lx3/id10t_error/
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Why do teenage girls hang out in odd numbers?

Because they can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs0fbj/why_do_teenage_girls_hang_out_in_odd_numbers/
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Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.
The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.
The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly irradiated cleanup zone, but it too broke down in only 8 minutes.
The German robot with its superior german engineering managed to perform its task for a full 20 minutes before finally succumbing to the immense heat and radiation.
But all this time, the Russian robot was hard at work, and the engineers and scientists of all the other nations watched in awe as the Russian robot continued to send back signals for another full hour.
They asked the soviet officer stationed there, “How is your robot still active after all this time?”  The soviet officer looked at them, then took a glance at the clock, and shouted in to the megaphone, “Private Dimitri! Your shift is over! Come out for a smoke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs0egi/shortly_after_the_chernobyl_incident/
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What do you call an actor who hauls seafood?

Carrie Fisher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs0b5w/what_do_you_call_an_actor_who_hauls_seafood/
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Dad man tell No jokes

A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a mop and a beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bs00mh/dad_man_tell_no_jokes/
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What is the night king’s favourite cereal

All-bran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brzt48/what_is_the_night_kings_favourite_cereal/
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Why are musicians afraid of fish?

They have thousands of scales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brzqrx/why_are_musicians_afraid_of_fish/
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“God bless you.”

3 sisters were sitting in the porch drinking mint juleps.
Mary says, “My husband loves me so much, he built me a beautiful house with a wrap-around porch! Mable says, “That’s nice.” Irma says, “Bless your heart.”
Mable says, “My husband loves me so much, he bought me a brand new Cadillac!” Mary says, “That’s nice.” Irma says, “Bless your heart.”
Then Irma says, “My husband loves me so much, he sent me to Switzerland for etiquette lessons.” Mary says, “Etiquette lessons?” Mable says, “Did they help?” Irma says, “Well yeah! I used to say ‘Fuck you”, but now I say, “Bless your heart.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brzp8a/god_bless_you/
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Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brzkx9/patient_doctor_i_have_a_pain_in_my_eye_whenever_i/
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Christian Joke!

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “***maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision***.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brzku1/christian_joke/
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What's the difference between a church and a casino?

You actually pray at a casino!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brzeqf/whats_the_difference_between_a_church_and_a_casino/
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Why are elephants large, gray, and wrinkly?

Because is they were small, white, and smooth they'd be aspirin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brzdn2/why_are_elephants_large_gray_and_wrinkly/
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There is a lesbian couple building a house behind mine.

They aren't using any studs.Its all tounge and groove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brz8m5/there_is_a_lesbian_couple_building_a_house_behind/
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Whats worse than a sick muskrat on your piano?

A diseased beaver on your organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brz4t0/whats_worse_than_a_sick_muskrat_on_your_piano/
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There are three construction workers sitting on the 20th floor of a building...

As their legs hang off the side of the building, they open up their packed lunches. The first worker looks at his sandwich and says;
"Damn it! A ham sandwich again? If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm jumping off this building!"
The second worker opens his lunch and responds;
"You think you've got it bad? I've had nothing but peanut butter sandwiches for 10 years! One more PB sandwich, I'm jumping."
The third guy opens his lunch too, and looks inside.
"What! Another cheese sandwich? That's it. One more of these, and I'm jumping too."
So, the three men shook hands on it, and agreed. The next day, the first worker opens his lunch, sees the ham sandwich, and jumps off the building. The second man sees peanut butter and follows, and the third checks for cheese, then leaps to his death.
At their funeral, the first two mens wives are crying.
"If he'd only have told me he didn't want ham sandwiches," cries the first wife, "I'd have changed it up!"
"Never once did he mention how much he hated peanut butter," sobbed the second.
Everyone turned to look at the third worker's wife, who throws up her hands.
"Don't look at me!" she says. "The idiot made his own lunch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brz3r7/there_are_three_construction_workers_sitting_on/
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How do dead people have sex?

They bone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brz32x/how_do_dead_people_have_sex/
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Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half the living population on Earth.

Then I snapped out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brytdu/last_night_i_had_a_dream_that_i_was_responsible/
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A Kid Comes Home From School

He tells his father his  mathematics teacher wants to see him. His father asks why and kid says "well he asked me what is 6x7 and i said 42 then he asked me what is 7x6 and i said what the fuck is the difference?" his father says "ok i will visit your teacher when i have time.".
Next day he asks his father if he talked with his teacher. Dad says "not yet.".  Then kid says "When you come to my schools visit my P.E teacher too.". His father asks "what happened?" Kid says " He wanted me to raise my left arm and i did, then he wanted me to raise my right arm and i did, then he wanted me to raise my left leg i did that too but then he told me to raise my right leg and i said what am i going to stand on? my dick?". His dad says "ok son i will give him a visit too".
Next day kid says his dad "dad have you visited my teachers?". Dad says "not yet.".  Kid says "there is no need to anymore i got expelled." dad "why did you expelled?". Kid tells "They called me to principals office there were my mathematics teacher, my P.E teacher and my history teacher." Dad asks " What the fuck was your history teacher doing there?"
and kid says "Yeah i asked the same.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brys6f/a_kid_comes_home_from_school/
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Never challenge a prisoner to a counting contest..

Unless you're prepared to deal with the con sequences

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bryrd0/never_challenge_a_prisoner_to_a_counting_contest/
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Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell

He suddenly sees Wonder Woman lying naked, legs apart, on top of a building. He thinks, "this is my chance!" and swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says, "What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but my fuckin' asshole hurts like hell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bryqhq/superman_is_flying_around_the_city_feeling_horny/
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My ex girlfriend cried in a Disney movie when we were dating.

Probably because I dumped her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bryed6/my_ex_girlfriend_cried_in_a_disney_movie_when_we/
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What do priests and McDonald’s hamburgers have in common?

They both put meat in between ten year old buns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brya3j/what_do_priests_and_mcdonalds_hamburgers_have_in/
%
Where does the Helsinki Marathon end?

At the Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bry4p5/where_does_the_helsinki_marathon_end/
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Why dont blind people sky dive

It scares the hell out of the dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bry40r/why_dont_blind_people_sky_dive/
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Three Men Walk Into The Woods When they Find A Lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It  booms ***"You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."***
The first guy  immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars."
*POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact, $1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a  bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive."
*POOF*, he's holding  papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third  guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to  rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."
*POOF*, his arm starts  rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First  guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."
*POOF*, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says  "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I  want."
*POOF*, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately  starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to  rotate counter-clockwise until I die."
*POOF*, now both his arms are  rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First  guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or  injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."
*POOF*, his complexion  improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."
*POOF*, he looks younger already.
Third  guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod  back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many  years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many  times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich  pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says  "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm  still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I  haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
*"Guys, I think I fucked up."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brxy4b/three_men_walk_into_the_woods_when_they_find_a/
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2 guys walk into a bar

I’m surprised the second guy didn’t duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brxxd4/2_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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where do you find a baby without legs??

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
in the same spot you left him last time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brxt7t/where_do_you_find_a_baby_without_legs/
%
A doctor goes to write some notes on his clip board, when he notices he was trying to write with a rectal thermometer...

"Damn!  Some asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brxrh0/a_doctor_goes_to_write_some_notes_on_his_clip/
%
What should you do if you're cold?

Sit in the corner! They're usually 90 degrees!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brxpv0/what_should_you_do_if_youre_cold/
%
To all the people who listen to my Indian accent and automatically assume I’m in IT, let me tell you something.

That’s just a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brxnx2/to_all_the_people_who_listen_to_my_indian_accent/
%
Where do little jokes come from?

A dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brxndq/where_do_little_jokes_come_from/
%
People said that I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins...

But take a look at me now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brxky2/people_said_that_id_never_get_over_my_obsession/
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At the ceramic tile factory they have employee parties where they make the tiles stand on edge. Instead of commending the skill involved they make fun of eachother.

It is an erect tile diss function.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brxim8/at_the_ceramic_tile_factory_they_have_employee/
%
A husband and wife are out to dinner for their anniversary...

The husband raises his glass and toasts “To 50 wonderful years together. It may not have always been easy, but I have always loved you and been honest with you, and I hope you have always loved and been honest with me as well”
The wife replies, “Well, remember when we were first married and you lost your job? Well, I went down to the bank and slept with the broker in order to get an extension on our mortgage.”
The husband, shocked, says “Honey, that was a long time ago and you did it for us. I forgive you.”
The wife continues, “Well remember when you started your business, we didn’t have health insurance, and you needed that surgery? Well I slept with the surgeon and he did it for free.”
The husband, again shocked, says, “I can’t believe I’m just hearing about this. But I understand that you did it for me. I love you and I forgive you for sleeping with those two men.”
The wife replies, “Here’s the thing, remember last year when you were running for Rotary Club president and we’re trailing by 32 votes.....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brxgir/a_husband_and_wife_are_out_to_dinner_for_their/
%
what did the clock do when it was hungry?

Went back for seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brxcd8/what_did_the_clock_do_when_it_was_hungry/
%
Hung Chow calls work...

And says, "Hey boss, no work for me today, I'm feeling sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That always makes everything better and then I can go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got a nice house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brxc0z/hung_chow_calls_work/
%
What type of computer sings?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brx80j/what_type_of_computer_sings/
%
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brx7lt/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows/
%
Two fleas meet in a bar

-"Hi,  how it's going!"
-"Not so good. I'm living in a biker's mustache and it's so windy and cold, I hate that place!"
-"Oh, that's bad. Here's what you do. Bikers always have girlfriends. Whenever a girl gets close, you jump into her cleavage and go south. Down there you'll find a nice cozy place, a warm valley where the wind never blows because women keep that place inside their clothes."
A few days later the fleas meet again.
-"So, did you move to that place I told you about?"
-"I did, but it was no good. The place was so cozy and nice that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back at the biker's mustache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brx4vh/two_fleas_meet_in_a_bar/
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How do you know someone’s a Russian spy?

They’re Putin on an act.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brx4o7/how_do_you_know_someones_a_russian_spy/
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Cough Mixture

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the blonde clerk:
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist said:"You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds,"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brx3vf/cough_mixture/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brx0vi/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
My Kids are such over achievers

They even get the extra chromosome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brwv0n/my_kids_are_such_over_achievers/
%
98% percent of the population is stupid.

Luckily I’m part of the 3%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brwtgv/98_percent_of_the_population_is_stupid/
%
What makes a dad joke a dad joke?

The punch line has to be apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brwpuj/what_makes_a_dad_joke_a_dad_joke/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brwp0p/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
If I had a Delorean

I would only drive it from time to time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brwp0e/if_i_had_a_delorean/
%
A man was driving when he noticed the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for speeding, even tough he knew he wasn’t. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. Again the camera flashed. Thinking he was funny, he drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, he received five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brwk05/a_man_was_driving_when_he_noticed_the_flash_of_a/
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Why do truck drivers love the 1st day of June?

Only four more sleeps 'til Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brw89c/why_do_truck_drivers_love_the_1st_day_of_june/
%
For our 25th anniversary, I took my wife to China

For our 50th I plan on picking her up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brw7lu/for_our_25th_anniversary_i_took_my_wife_to_china/
%
I took a Milk Bath yesterday

I asked my wife to fill the tub. She said "Sure, you want it pasteurized?"
I replied "No, just up to my chest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brw7kc/i_took_a_milk_bath_yesterday/
%
What is a belt made of watches called?

A waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brw7by/what_is_a_belt_made_of_watches_called/
%
I haven’t decided how I feel about abortion yet.

On one hand, I support it because it’s killing babies. On the other, it gives women a choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brw138/i_havent_decided_how_i_feel_about_abortion_yet/
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Why did a redditor have a problem leaving the hotel?

Username didn't check out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brw0iv/why_did_a_redditor_have_a_problem_leaving_the/
%
My boyfriend just started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brvvic/my_boyfriend_just_started_a_bee_farm_to_help_save/
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In 2020 Ford is re-releasing the Bronco

There will be a special edition OJ trim level:
Standard White paint with dark tinted windows, governed to 30 mph, extended range gas tank, and has an undersized glove box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brvu0i/in_2020_ford_is_rereleasing_the_bronco/
%
A man walks into a bar and slaps $20 on the table...

The bartender asks: “What can I get ya?”
“4 shots of your best liquor please,” the man responds.
The bartender asks: “4 shots? Are you celebrating something?”
“Yes,” the man replies. “My first blowjob”
The bartender says: “Congrats! I’ll add a 5th shot on the house for ya!”
The man replies, “No that’s fine, if 4 shots can’t wash the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brvqti/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_slaps_20_on_the_table/
%
I’m always on the lookout for confirmation bias.

I see it everywhere I go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brvolc/im_always_on_the_lookout_for_confirmation_bias/
%
Me: Doctor, I’m afraid of the Horizontal Axis.

Doctor: Oh, my ex had that problem as well.
Me: [Screams]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brvna0/me_doctor_im_afraid_of_the_horizontal_axis/
%
My ex made this Facebook status about how she feels like someone is watching her...

...but I’ve been following her around all week and I can guarantee no one is stalking her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brvjl2/my_ex_made_this_facebook_status_about_how_she/
%
Me: I'm afraid of Directions

Doctor: Right..
Me: \*Screams\*
Doctor: What's up?
Me: \*Screams louder\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brvj93/me_im_afraid_of_directions/
%
I can't get on a plane with my wife anymore.

No oversized bags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brvg0c/i_cant_get_on_a_plane_with_my_wife_anymore/
%
Looking for a new drink? Try a Hurricane Sandy...

It's a watered-down Manhattan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brvf7v/looking_for_a_new_drink_try_a_hurricane_sandy/
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What's E.T. short for?

It's because he has those tiny legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brvecj/whats_et_short_for/
%
[At sea] Pirate 1: I can’t wait to see my wife again.

Pirate 2: Land ho!
Pirate 1: Screw you! That’s really rude!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brvbxz/at_sea_pirate_1_i_cant_wait_to_see_my_wife_again/
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Q: What is big as a house, makes a lot of smoke and noise, takes down 20 liters of gas per hour, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A: a Soviet machine designed to cut apples into four pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brvb0k/q_what_is_big_as_a_house_makes_a_lot_of_smoke_and/
%
Why do WWI veterans dislike golf?

They always end up in the bunker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brv7wj/why_do_wwi_veterans_dislike_golf/
%
Fire

Make a man a fire and you’ve kept him warm for a night. Set a man in fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brv2tc/fire/
%
Me: I'm going to stop buying beds that are gender-specific!

Friend: Like a boycott?
Me: Yes! Exactly like a-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brv23j/me_im_going_to_stop_buying_beds_that_are/
%
What is the difference between a kleptomaniac and a pervert?

One will snatch your watch....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bruzpe/what_is_the_difference_between_a_kleptomaniac_and/
%
What a weird day! First I found a hat full of money.

Then I was followed around by some guy with a guitar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bruyw1/what_a_weird_day_first_i_found_a_hat_full_of_money/
%
Three men are sitting on a hill...

They decide to have a competition. The goal is to throw your watch up in the air, run down the hill, and catch it.
The first man prepares himself and throws up his watch. He runs as fast as he can down the hill, but the watch gets there before he does.
The second man (who is much faster than the first) thinks he can make it down with time to spare. He throws up his watch and runs down the hill almost as fast as Usain Bolt himself, but he doesn't get there in time either.
The third man is slower than the other two, and they very much doubt he can catch his watch. The third man throws up his watch, runs down the hill, runs into town, gets some coffee, goes shopping, attends his nephew's birthday party, runs back to the hill, and still catches his watch.
The other two are astonished. "There's no way!" Says the first man."How did you do that?" says the second.
The man smiles and looks at them."Guys, my watch is three hours behind."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bruwjk/three_men_are_sitting_on_a_hill/
%
A class of aerospace engineers and their professor were all given free tickets to Hawaii.

Once on the plane, the captain announced they were flying the aircraft the students had assembled. Everyone immediately rushed off, except for the teacher who relaxed in his seat. The flight asked "Wow, you have that much faith in your students?" The teacher replied, "I know exactly what my students are capable of. There's no way the engines will even start."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bruuzf/a_class_of_aerospace_engineers_and_their/
%
A family of three sit down for dinner

The son asks his mother, "Why does the dog lick its ass under the dinner table?"
The mother replies, "To get the taste of your father's cooking out of its mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brupxj/a_family_of_three_sit_down_for_dinner/
%
A priest is about to die,

A fellow apprentice is with him, during his last days,
During the last moments the dying priest says "I will do everything in my power to get in contact with you once i'll be... there you know"
Quite surprised of this the apprentice nods and listens carefully to this warning.
The Priest dies a few moments later (F)
A few days later, the apprentice feels some kinds a mumbling, coming from everywhere and nowhere.
He just says: "Is this... you?"
The voice answers "Y... Ye... Yes..."
The Apprentice is shocked
The voice continues "I have so many things to tell you about here... like it's hard to say but we're having sex all time, females everywhere and lust 24/7"
The apprentice is even more surprised: "So this is what Heaven feels after death?"
The voice just says "No you fucking morron, i reincarnated as a freaking Rabbit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bruj9k/a_priest_is_about_to_die/
%
A floating head walks into a bar.

He sits down at the bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Upon downing the glass, the man's torso suddenly appears.
"Wow this beer sure is amazing!" Says the man."Bring me another!"
So the bartender brings him another drink, and after finishing it, the man's arms appear.
"Fantastic!" He says. "Another!"
So the bartender brings him another drink, and after he'd emptied the glass, the man's legs appered.
"Well I appear to have all my body parts back" said the man "but I'm dying to know what will happen if I have another! One more round, in celebration!"
So the bartender brings him his final drink, and once he finished, the man vanishes into thin air.
"Hm" the bartender smirked. "You should've quit when you were a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brugxv/a_floating_head_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brug9l/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brug8v/in_order_to_make_a_relationship_work_you_have_to/
%
What kind of train is a ballerina?

A tutu train!
I thank my 7 year old for this and making me laugh at something so silly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bruecc/what_kind_of_train_is_a_ballerina/
%
Alabama recently banned the kids-show "Arthur" because it featured a gay wedding

What do you call a genius in Alabama?
A visitor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brue98/alabama_recently_banned_the_kidsshow_arthur/
%
First thing on my to-do list: Find a republic.

Czech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bru7bc/first_thing_on_my_todo_list_find_a_republic/
%
My daughter called me at work and told me she was playing a new game...

Its called hold ur breath challenge, i smiled until she told me grandpa has a new record of 4hrs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bru78p/my_daughter_called_me_at_work_and_told_me_she_was/
%
I was choking on a piece of steak one night [this actually happened]

While eating dinner with my family, I started to eat a piece of steak and ended up choking.
I then stood up, with saliva coming out of my mouth, I held my neck and turned red in the face.
I looked over at my parents who were just sitting at the table staring back at me.
I continued to choke and more spit fell onto the floor to which my mom said to me:
"Can you do that over the sink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bru4xq/i_was_choking_on_a_piece_of_steak_one_night_this/
%
Three guys are walking down the street when two of them walk into a bar...

...the third one ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bru4su/three_guys_are_walking_down_the_street_when_two/
%
What kind of car does Pikachu drive?

A volts-wagon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bru35n/what_kind_of_car_does_pikachu_drive/
%
A duck walks into a bar, jumps on the stool and asks for a beer and a sandwich

The bartender is shocked.
You are a duck says the bartender. Yes replies the duck. You talk! Says the bartender. Yes! Says the duck and how about that beer and sandwich he says. The bartender still in shock brings him his sandwich and beer. The duck drinks his beer and finishes his sandwich and leaves.
This happens a few times and the bartender asks why he is coming in every day. I work as a plumber across the street on the new building replies duck. I know of a good and well paying job if you are interested says the bartender. I'm always looking for the next the job, what is it asks the duck. Its the Circus says the bartender.
You mean the place where they keep animals in cages asks the duck.
- Yes
- where they train the animals to do silly tricks?
- Yes
- in the giant tent with the hole in the roof?
- Yes
What the hell do they want with a plumber?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bru2e0/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar_jumps_on_the_stool_and/
%
What does this joke and a overcrowded prom have in common?

One really bad punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bru01r/what_does_this_joke_and_a_overcrowded_prom_have/
%
Three guys walked into a bar covered in coal dust...

The bar tender took one look at them and said, "Sorry, but we don't serve miners here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brtvz0/three_guys_walked_into_a_bar_covered_in_coal_dust/
%
I’m trying to bring more attention to dried grapes

I’m raisin awareness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brtv1u/im_trying_to_bring_more_attention_to_dried_grapes/
%
What's worse than having ants in your pants?

An uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brtsf9/whats_worse_than_having_ants_in_your_pants/
%
What's does a Mexican put under his carpet?

Underlay! Underlay! Underlay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brtbwr/whats_does_a_mexican_put_under_his_carpet/
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My circumcision gave me a chance at a normal life.

I was born with a disorder where my eyelids didn’t develop properly in the womb. When they performed my circumcision, they used the foreskin that they removed to give me proper eyelids. My surgery went well but I’m still a little cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brtbmv/my_circumcision_gave_me_a_chance_at_a_normal_life/
%
Just ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon

I’ll let you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brtay0/just_ordered_a_chicken_and_egg_from_amazon/
%
What video game do dogs play when up for a challenge?

Barksouls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brt8fp/what_video_game_do_dogs_play_when_up_for_a/
%
Why do jewish people love breaking their fast with sweet potatoes?

So that they can properly celebrate Yam kippur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brt04t/why_do_jewish_people_love_breaking_their_fast/
%
Just 4 old ladies taking a drive...

A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are four old ladies — the three passengers are wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
The officer replies, “Ma’am, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!” The old woman says, pointing to a sign next to the road.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that the sign was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? Your passengers seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brsz21/just_4_old_ladies_taking_a_drive/
%
What game do unvaccinated kids play in the pool?

Marco Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brsyj4/what_game_do_unvaccinated_kids_play_in_the_pool/
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A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."
"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"
And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brsx2x/a_jewish_guy_goes_into_a_confession_box_father/
%
I was going to get a couple neon signs for my man cave from the attic...

Sadly, they Argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brsqgg/i_was_going_to_get_a_couple_neon_signs_for_my_man/
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Classic walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders six whiskies. He lines them up in a row and knocks back the first, third, and fifth glasses. Then he gets up to leave. " Don't you want the others?" asks the barman."You've only had three of your whiskies." "Best not" replies the man, "My doctor said it was only okay to have the odd drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brsn6e/classic_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An American man, a French man, a Turkish man, and a Polish man are sitting in a bar.

The Bartender asked what the four men are most proud of for their country. The American man says: “I’m really proud of the CIA. They know the details of almost every major event in the U.S,. They often even know it before it happens!”
The French man says: “I’m proud of French women. They are very pretty, and it’s very hard to take one to bed.”
The Turkish man says: “I know it sounds weird, but i’m really proud of Turkish Rugs. They are Beautiful and extraordinary.”
Everybody looks toward the Polish man. They don’t think anything is special about Poland.
The polish man says: “Well, I’m proud of fucking French women on Turkish rugs in my bedroom, and I bet you the CIA will never know about it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brsmqx/an_american_man_a_french_man_a_turkish_man_and_a/
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Son asks his father why does he speak so lightly at home? Father replies because there is artificial intelligence that listens to everything we say.

Son laughs, the dad laughs, Alexa laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brslnw/son_asks_his_father_why_does_he_speak_so_lightly/
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brsl4g/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Hi, is this the seminar for unpunctual people?

- It was this morning.
- Oh sorry...
- Come in, we just arrived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brsl0k/hi_is_this_the_seminar_for_unpunctual_people/
%
Where does Virgin wool come from?

Ugly sheep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brsjo2/where_does_virgin_wool_come_from/
%
Why should you never fart in an Apple store?

Because they don't have windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brshye/why_should_you_never_fart_in_an_apple_store/
%
The other day I saw a Zomato delivery giving a lift to a random stranger

and my immediate thought was, "Oh, Zomato's venturing into human trafficking now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brshgf/the_other_day_i_saw_a_zomato_delivery_giving_a/
%
Never thought i could care about another human being until i had a child.

Now im 100% certain i cant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brs4i7/never_thought_i_could_care_about_another_human/
%
I was fired from a keyboard factory yesterday

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brs2l3/i_was_fired_from_a_keyboard_factory_yesterday/
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What are you doing when, drunk at the bar, you're making theories about stuff you have no clue about ?

Counter intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brrxj5/what_are_you_doing_when_drunk_at_the_bar_youre/
%
I don’t know why so many streets are named Broad Street.

I mean I’m pretty sure plenty of guys live there too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brrwtv/i_dont_know_why_so_many_streets_are_named_broad/
%
A nurse reaches into her pocket

She pulls out a rectal thermometer and says, “Hey! Some asshole has my pen!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brruyg/a_nurse_reaches_into_her_pocket/
%
What is a bungee jumper's least favourite app?

&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Discord.
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brrpqq/what_is_a_bungee_jumpers_least_favourite_app/
%
A plane takes off

Soon after, an elderly man grunts and grabs his chest. He unbuckles his belt and falls to his knees, trembling. Two flight attendants rush to help him.
"I think I'm having a heart attack" the old man manages to whisper.
The two flight attendants look at each other, and then one rushes towards the speaker phone.
"Cabin crew here. We have a medical emergency, is there a doctor on plane?"
Men and women across the plane look around, waiting. Old man's cry of pain breaks the silence. Finally, a young man stands up. People near him watch as he says: "I'm a vegan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brrnyx/a_plane_takes_off/
%
Me: Doctor, I'm afraid of the vertical Axis

Doctor: Why?
Me: \*Screams\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brrnnz/me_doctor_im_afraid_of_the_vertical_axis/
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Three Ducks Go to Heaven

Okay, three ducks die and go to heaven. Gabriel is at the gate and he tells the ducks, "Tell me, honestly, how you died, and I'll let you into heaven."
So the first duck goes, "Well, my name's Quack and I was watching my friend blow bubbles underwater when a jet ski came by and hit me in the head and now I'm here."
Gabriel goes, "Okay, you can go in."
Now the second duck strolls up to Gabriel and says, "Hi, my name's Quack Quack and I was blowing bubbles underwater when a jet ski came by and hit me in the head and now I'm here."
Gabriel, once again, goes, "Okay, you may go in."
The third duck waddles up.
Gabriel asks him, "So lemme guess, your name's Quack Quack Quack?"
Duck goes, "No, my name's Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brrn77/three_ducks_go_to_heaven/
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I will never Vaccinate my children. It's not safe

I'd rather go to a professional doctor to vaccinate them for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brrlkw/i_will_never_vaccinate_my_children_its_not_safe/
%
What don't you say in a really really crowded gay bar?

Excuse me sir, mind if I push your stool in further?
*Credit to the random guy nigel in the pub, no idea where the joke actually came from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brr7kd/what_dont_you_say_in_a_really_really_crowded_gay/
%
A man takes his girl out to dinner

He gives her his peas and she gives him herpes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brr1y5/a_man_takes_his_girl_out_to_dinner/
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I was so shocked to find out Lance Armstrong won all his Tour de France titles while he was on drugs

Last time I took drugs I couldn’t even find my bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brr1bb/i_was_so_shocked_to_find_out_lance_armstrong_won/
%
Today I slept with a girl in an apple orchard

She let me come in cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brqznt/today_i_slept_with_a_girl_in_an_apple_orchard/
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In their 5th marriage anniversary the guy took his wife to china

when he came back his friend asked him "what did you do for the anniversary?"
"I took her to china", the man said.
his friend: "wow, that was only for your 5th anniversary, I wonder what you gonna do for your 50th one?"
he replied: "I'm gonna go get her back".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brqsii/in_their_5th_marriage_anniversary_the_guy_took/
%
On Christmas Eve, a postman is collecting letters from the post box when he comes across a letter addressed to Father Christmas

Intrigued, he opens it, to find, scrawled in orange crayon, the words
"Dear Santa,
My family is very poor, so this year I don't want any presents. Please could you just send me £20 so I can give it to my parents?
Love Kevin".
Touched, the postman searches his pockets, where he finds a £10 note. Thinking this would surely be better than nothing, he puts it into an envelope along with a note from 'Father Christmas' wishing the boy a Merry Christmas, making a mental note to deliver it himself the next morning.
A week later, the postman collects letters from the same postbox when he spots another letter with the same handwriting again addressed to Father Christmas. Smiling, he opens the letter to find a reply that read
"Dear Father Christmas,
Thank you for the money you sent! My mum was so pleased when I gave it to her. However, I did ask for £20 but when I opened the envelope there was only £10 inside. Don't worry about it though, the bastard Postman probably stole it.
Love Kevin".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brqqqx/on_christmas_eve_a_postman_is_collecting_letters/
%
I was trying to come up with a good joke about the drinks at the party

But it was lacking a punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brqqm2/i_was_trying_to_come_up_with_a_good_joke_about/
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Five monkeys - an experiment

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey will make an attempt with the same response -- all of the monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Keep this up for several days.
Turn off the cold water. If, later, another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
Now, remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other four monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked in the same manner. The previous newcomer also takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Replace another of the original monkeys with a new one. The new one attempts to the climb the stairs and is attacked as well. The second newcomer will join the attack like the first one did. Now two of the four monkeys that beat the latest arrival both have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys with the same method, all the monkeys which had originally been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. None of the monkeys now in the cage have ever been sprayed with water whilst attempting to climb the stairs. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs.
Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been done around here."
Replace the Monkeys with company management, and the stairs with policy and procedural improvements, and you get the same results.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brql8u/five_monkeys_an_experiment/
%
I used to eat clocks.

But it was too time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brqc2p/i_used_to_eat_clocks/
%
I was at a funeral the other day

"May I say a word?" I asked.
Widow: "Sure"
Man: "Discount"
Widow: "That means a great deal to me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brq5oa/i_was_at_a_funeral_the_other_day/
%
Never challenge death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brq3lt/never_challenge_death_to_a_pillow_fight/
%
Two men were walking through the woods when they came across a big deep hole.

'Wow ... that looks deep,' says one. 'Let's toss a few pebbles in and see how deep it is.'
They threw in a few pebbles and waited, but there was no sound.
'Gee - that is a really deep hole. Let's throw one of these big rocks in. That should make a noise.'
They picked up two football-sized rocks and tossed them into the hole and waited, but still they heard nothing.
'There's a railway sleeper over here in the weeds,' said one.
'If we toss that in, it's definitely going to make some noise.'
They dragged the heavy sleeper over to the hole and heaved it in, but not a sound came from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appeared, running like the wind. It rushed towards the two men and ran right between them, running as fast as its legs could go. Then it leaped into the air and disappeared into the hole.
The two men stood there, astonished at what they'd just seen.
Out of the woods came a farmer who said, 'Hey! Did you guys see my goat?'
'You bet we did! It was the craziest thing we've ever seen! It came running like the wind out of the woods and jumped into that hole!'
'Nah,' says the farmer. 'That couldn't have been my goat.
My goat was chained to a railway sleeper!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brq0nv/two_men_were_walking_through_the_woods_when_they/
%
Why was the unvaccinated kid crying?

Because he was fucking dying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brpzk4/why_was_the_unvaccinated_kid_crying/
%
A man with anal infection went to the doctor,the doctor said "the only cure that exist, is to stick a cucumber in your butthole"

so  the man went back home to his wife, explained to her what happened, and asked her to help him out.
man: "honey you should do as the doctor instructed me to do"
wife: "okay, what should I do?"
man: "hold one butt cheek with your left hand and, the other with your right hand, then stick the cucumber in my ass like he did."
wife: "well, if Am holding your butt cheeks with my hands, how the hell I'm I supposed to stick it"
Man: "that SON OF A BITCH".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brpumv/a_man_with_anal_infection_went_to_the_doctorthe/
%
Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brpqvf/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
A gynecologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change.

He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town. After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake on the marking of his grading paper and enquires with the teacher. He says "Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake." The teacher replies "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the engine. 50% is for perfect reassembly of the engine. I gave you another 50% on top because you did it all through the exhaust pipe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brpn8u/a_gynecologist_gets_sick_of_his_medical_career/
%
A chimney sweep recently won $240,000 in a lottery

This is the largest sweep's take on record.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brpmwi/a_chimney_sweep_recently_won_240000_in_a_lottery/
%
Doctor told me I need to stop masturbating.

I was shocked.  I didn't even hear him come in the exam room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brpmfu/doctor_told_me_i_need_to_stop_masturbating/
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(NSFW) Snow White and Prince Charming are on a date.

They kick the 7 dwarves out so they can have the cottage to themselves to do what they're gonna do. The dwarves decide to spy on the couple, and peek in the window by making a ladder and standing on each other's shoulders.
Prince Charming kisses Snow White, and the dwarves start telling each other, passing the message down the ladder, one dwarf at a time: "HE'S KISSING HER!" "He's kissing her, he's kissing her, he's kissing her."
"HE'S TOUCHING HER BOOBS!" "He's touching her boobs, he's touching her boobs, he's touching her boobs".
"SHE'S TAKING OFF HER CLOTHES!" "She's taking off her clothes, she's taking off her clothes, she's taking off her clothes."
Suddenly the couple stops as Snow White looks and starts toward the window. The dwarf on top panics: "OH GOD SHE'S COMING!"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brph5o/nsfw_snow_white_and_prince_charming_are_on_a_date/
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How can you tell when a bucket is sick?

When it's a little pail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brpcjf/how_can_you_tell_when_a_bucket_is_sick/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brpblx/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?

He isn’t a mourning person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brp3tv/why_wouldnt_the_moon_come_to_the_suns_funeral/
%
If you re-arrange the letters of "a postman"

He'll get very angry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brp3ll/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_a_postman/
%
If a woman gets pregnant by Lucifer....

Does she have deviled eggs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bros48/if_a_woman_gets_pregnant_by_lucifer/
%
Keanu Reeves is celebrated as a saint for his hover hands. When I met him he kept cupping my balls!

Best golf partner I ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brorni/keanu_reeves_is_celebrated_as_a_saint_for_his/
%
Constipation Is a pain in the ass

Seriously, it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/broq53/constipation_is_a_pain_in_the_ass/
%
Train conductor who killed a pedestrian gets asked why he didn't stop in time

'Jumper to bumper traffic you know'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bronw6/train_conductor_who_killed_a_pedestrian_gets/
%
Why are there so many unsolved cases in Alabama?

Because everyone has the same DNA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brolbi/why_are_there_so_many_unsolved_cases_in_alabama/
%
"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching for the winter when none other than Jonas John Jameson himself broke down on the side of the road near the man's field from which I was stealing. Having had spent a stint in the rebellion of June 1919 as a tractor mechanic, it was no time flat that I fixed the buggy. Being the 13th son of Mr. Jameson himself, Jonas was charitable and, I suspect, in the early stages of alcohol poisoning. He gave me the keys and told me to pull into town while he slept it off. I tried my best to ignore Jonas beating his dick like a Protestant as we pulled into town. A group of women soon formed and I had my thumb at the ready. A bright eyed blond came up and swiftly presented her brown eye. By the time I had her in my palm like a bowling ball, it was too late to realize she was my brother's fiancee.
Now what you need to realize about my brother my sweet children is that he raised fighting ducks at the time. The ducks and mallards that came out of his godforsaken training regiment were so vicious they make Margaret Thatcher look like a Saint in comparison. I once saw them peck a five-year-old coalminer to death just for walking within 10 feet of them unharnessed. In a panic I uncorked my hand from her rear end, then sped off into the distance; I must've hit 8 miles an hour in my haste. Pubs were flashing past me as I pulled into the family home. Jonas, oblivious to the whole affair, was snoring with his trousers undone. I covered his turgid member as best I could with his tophat and went inside.
As soon as I walked in, i realized in horror that not only could I not avoid my brother, today was his wedding and all 8 of my sisters were getting dressed up. Upon seeing me, with stolen peat under one arm, a crankshaft starter held in the other fist with a noticeably brown thumb, and perhaps most noticeably a steel cutter for a hard on, I was less than dressed for the occasion. With no time to spare, and a lump in my throat and my pants, I made my way to the church.
Not two steps from the door I could hear the menacing honking from inside;my brother was celebrating his big day by letting all the most vicious of his ducks corral the churchfolk into a corner. I watched in disbelief as they threw handfuls of corn and barley to keep them at bay. No sooner had I walked through the doors than my brother's fiancee pointed me out to her husband to be and said "Oi, there's the cunt that thumbed me." With a cold look that still haunts me, children, my brother raised his duck whistle to his lips.
Before he could blow, none other than Jonas John Jameson, revived from his Nap 'n Wank, as we called it back then, strutted into the church. A hush fell upon the crowd and even the ducks, more than familiar with his libations, bowed their bills in reverence. Jonas remarked how I had saved his life and gotten him from a remote peat farm to the safety of our local pub. Once he understood the peril I was in, he proposed to my brother, and I quote "if your brother can survive a cagematch with your top duck, you will absolve him of thumbing your fiancee. In fact, £15 says he can do it in nothing but his flatcap."
The onlookers, mesmerized by the demigod before them, and equally grateful no more lives would be lost to the bloodthirsty ducks, cheered at the proposition. My brother relented to the pressure and the match was on.
I don't want to bore you, children, but suffice to say I stripped to my flatcap and gave it my all. Likewise, I don't want to traumatize you, but your grandfather has woken up every morning with a rod that could and had chip a tooth. The duck was on my chest, my hands around its throat. His honking comrades only added fuel to his fire. His bill was taking nips out of my flatcap. I thought all was lost.
It was at that moment I felt a slender hand from the crowd dart between my cheeks and punch my prostate like a sledgehammer. In one fell swoop, I launched off the ground, seemingly from the force of my ejaculate, got ahold of the duck's neck, and brought it down on my knob with a fury never before seen.
I looked for whoever has given me that angelic touch, but the crowd was swelling to raise me into their shoulders, walking me out of the church and into the street, Jonas John Jameson at the head of the parade. My brother, crushed by his loss of £15, the equivalent of 3 years duck training, was crushed. I searched the crowd for my mysterious savior when, coyly, across the street, my brother's fiancee gave a thumbs up with a dainty brown finger.
And that, my sweet grandchildren, is how I met your grandmother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brojxd/grandpa_tell_the_story_again_when_you_broke_a/
%
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brohjb/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_swam_into_a_wall/
%
Barron Trump: "Dad, can you help me with my economics homework?"

Donald: "no, son.  It wouldn't be right."
Barron: "I know, but will you try it anyway?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/broegw/barron_trump_dad_can_you_help_me_with_my/
%
Did you hear about the manned rocket that crashed shortly after launching from Alabama?

All the system warnings went off, but for some reason the pilot could not abort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bro41q/did_you_hear_about_the_manned_rocket_that_crashed/
%
I have this thing for girls with big butts

Chloroform.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bro2zy/i_have_this_thing_for_girls_with_big_butts/
%
Why is Alabama against abortion?

What happens to a family, stays in the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bro06o/why_is_alabama_against_abortion/
%
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.
The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.
Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.
The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.
“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”
“Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.
“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”
“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
Cheers for that gold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brnv5e/a_mailman_notices_a_mailbox_with_the_flag_up/
%
"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"
"John"
"John who?"
John began to sob softly to himself, as his mother's Alzheimer's had gotten worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brnush/knock_knock/
%
I made a new unit to measure weight

It's the new ton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brnu1q/i_made_a_new_unit_to_measure_weight/
%
Priests around the globe protest as more and more male teenagers use the new Snapchat filter to fap to themselves.

As a countermeasure, next month Snapchat will release a baby filter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brntxm/priests_around_the_globe_protest_as_more_and_more/
%
Why did the blind woman fall into the water hole

She couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brnsw8/why_did_the_blind_woman_fall_into_the_water_hole/
%
When you get a bladder infection

Urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brnqr9/when_you_get_a_bladder_infection/
%
time travelling

i was going to post a time traveling joke but you guys didnt like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brnpnc/time_travelling/
%
England doesn't have a kidney bank

But it does have a Liverpool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brnngu/england_doesnt_have_a_kidney_bank/
%
A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.
Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.
Several hours later the man’s wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.
“Is the cat there?” He asked.
“Yes…” she replied.
“Well put him on the phone, I’m lost”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brnn50/a_man_really_hated_his_wifes_cat_one_day_he_put/
%
Where did the sexual term "Yes Daddy" come from?

Alabama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brnmuk/where_did_the_sexual_term_yes_daddy_come_from/
%
I went to the doctors for my physical last week...

While the doctor was checking my prostate, I told him to put another finger in there...I wanted a second opinion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brnihq/i_went_to_the_doctors_for_my_physical_last_week/
%
At first I was depressed when they put me in prison for life behind a metre-high wall

But I soon got over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brni5g/at_first_i_was_depressed_when_they_put_me_in/
%
This morning I was buttoning my shirt...

And the button fell off. Then, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off and the doorknob fell off. Then, I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I am afraid to pee...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brnd4h/this_morning_i_was_buttoning_my_shirt/
%
Joe goes to the doctor

and the doctor says:"Joe, I have some bad news for you and some very bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Joe says:"Just give me the bad news first."
The doctor says:"Joe, you only have 24 hours left to live."
After the initial shock, Joe mumbles:"24 hours left...but...but what can be worse than that?"
And the doctor replies:"Well, I forgot to tell you yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brnd2l/joe_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
I stopped by a roadside stand

With a sign on it that read, “ Lobster tails 2 dollars.”
I paid my 2 bucks and I eagerly waited. The man behind the stand looks me in the eye and says,
“Once upon a time, there was this lobster......”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brncvi/i_stopped_by_a_roadside_stand/
%
Why was the unvaccinated kid crying ?

He was having a mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brncqy/why_was_the_unvaccinated_kid_crying/
%
Friend of mine offered to lend me his Bohemian Rhapsody DVD

Turned out it was a pirated copy. Was pretty average quality if I’m being honest, could only see a little silhouetto of a man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brnbx5/friend_of_mine_offered_to_lend_me_his_bohemian/
%
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger...

Then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brnbkn/i_was_wondering_why_the_baseball_was_getting/
%
Three construction workers

three construction workers are having a break, building a large complex. the first says:"dammit, my sandwich has ham again. if I get one again tomorrow, I will jump off, I swear." the second one says:"I got eggs again. if I get eggs again, I'm going to jump off." the third said:"pickles. dammit, if I get pickles again, I'm going to jump off." The next day comes, and at the break the first one opens his lunchbox and sees a sandwich with ham. he jumps off. the second one opens his box and jumps off. and the third one does likewise. at the funeral, the first man's widow says:"oh, if I had only listened to him, he would still be alive." The second wife says:"I shold have listened and changed his lunch. He would still be alive if I did." The third wife says:"I don't understand. He made his own lunch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brn96w/three_construction_workers/
%
Last night I dreamt my math teacher was a mermaid…

and my secret lover.
But she dumped me after I couldn’t unhook her top part.
Too bad. I failed my algae bra test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brn73w/last_night_i_dreamt_my_math_teacher_was_a_mermaid/
%
At school PE was my favorite class, probably cause I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking kids with my towel, laughing at their little knobs...

Looking back I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brn4v8/at_school_pe_was_my_favorite_class_probably_cause/
%
I realised today that as a straight male in my mid twenties, having been single for multiple years and surrounded myself with other men, I'd never taken the opportunity to take part in the tossing and rolling they did together behind closed doors. My older neighbor told me about it in 2nd grade and

I was fascinated by how far it broke from the concepts of "normalcy" I had been brought up with. He said they'd go for hours exploring with eachother, never leaving the room. Sometimes in middle school I'd walk by a class in the hall and hear a group of them grunting and huffing, occasionally letting out a sigh of relief or a cheer, calling one another "their bitch." They were typically closeted jocks that didn't want anyone to know, so I pretended like I didn't. As time went on and my temptations festered, I began frequenting a club where you can watch  dudes play with themselves and/or eachother. I ignored the urge for so long because I guess I thought it was just a phase, but it's time for me to face the truth...
I have always wondered what it would be like to play Dungeons and Dragons.  I'm die-curious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brn4so/i_realised_today_that_as_a_straight_male_in_my/
%
Guy 1: Hey, do you remember the time you ditched your fiance at the alter?

Guy 2: I can't say I do...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brn44f/guy_1_hey_do_you_remember_the_time_you_ditched/
%
A good romance starts with trust, kindness, and mutual respect.

A bad romance starts with RAH RAH AH AH AH...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brn3y3/a_good_romance_starts_with_trust_kindness_and/
%
When your bored, bully an orphan

Its not like they can tell their parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brn16f/when_your_bored_bully_an_orphan/
%
I ordered a bunch of second hand card decks from a casino a month ago, but I still haven’t received any.

When I asked for an update, they said they are still dealing with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brmxf7/i_ordered_a_bunch_of_second_hand_card_decks_from/
%
I got kicked out of a church confessional today.

Apparently "Forgive me father for I have sinned." And "I'm sorry daddy I've been naughty." Don't have the same meaning?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brmrl2/i_got_kicked_out_of_a_church_confessional_today/
%
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brmqo8/on_the_first_night_of_their_honeymoon_the_new/
%
I call my dick trust

Because I don't trust anybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brmgoi/i_call_my_dick_trust/
%
Guy runs into a bar and yells "Quick I gotta get ten shots of your finest whiskey, fuck the cost, pour the shots I'm gonna take them all!"

The bartender is a bit surprised with the request but he lines up the shots, and watches, with a bit of concern but is also kind of impressed as this guy sits on a barstool and slams shot after shot until they're all down.
"Hot damn!" says the bartender. "That's fucked up, what's going on with you?"
The guy, panting, says "shit, barkeep, you'd be like this too if you had what I have.."
The guy slumps over a bit as the bartender asks "What? What is it? What do you have?
The guy, as he falls off the barstool about to pass out says "Ten cents to my name!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brmfrk/guy_runs_into_a_bar_and_yells_quick_i_gotta_get/
%
My wife left me last week

She said she couldnt handle the lies anymore. At least that what i think she said as i was busy fighting a bear at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brmebq/my_wife_left_me_last_week/
%
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brmbqa/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
%
Whats a gay horses favourite food

HAAAAAAAY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brmaol/whats_a_gay_horses_favourite_food/
%
What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brm92s/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
A plane emergency landed in the water, no one is willing to go on the life boat

The flight attendant then asks the captain what to do. The captain replied,
Tell the Americans that it is an "adventure"
Tell the English that it is a "honour"
Tell the French that it is "romantic"
Tell the German that it is "law"
Tell the Japanese that it is an "order"
I am certain that they will all comply.
The flight attendant then asks what shall he tell the Chinese.
The captain responded "Tell them its FREE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brm51c/a_plane_emergency_landed_in_the_water_no_one_is/
%
A guy in a bar is complaining about pelvic pain and blood in his urine.

The bartender leans over and says “UTI?”
He responds: “No, I’m 2 Chainz.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brm1ws/a_guy_in_a_bar_is_complaining_about_pelvic_pain/
%
I would like to thank my hands.

I can always count on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brlwwg/i_would_like_to_thank_my_hands/
%
A new weight loss program

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, heran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.
But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/5 pound
weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and
when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19
year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running
shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can
catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her.
The same girl shows up for the
next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs
himself and is delighted to find he has lost 6 lbs
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 15 pound program. The
next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after
her like a shot.
For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his
delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost
another 18 lbs
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/30
Pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program." Absolutely," he replies, "I
haven't felt this good in years". The next day there's a knock at the
door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing here
wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that
reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
He lost 40 lbs that week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brluqw/a_new_weight_loss_program/
%
An old lady sells cabbages on the streets for 2 dollars each.

Every day a man comes to her, gives her 2 dollars, but doesn't take a cabbage. This continues for months. One day that man handed 2 dollars to the woman, but she refused. A man asked:
- So, you must be wondering why am I giving you 2 dollars each day, but don't take any of the cabbages?
- no, I don't really care, I just wanted to say that cabbages now cost 3 dollars each

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brltza/an_old_lady_sells_cabbages_on_the_streets_for_2/
%
If jesus was thicc...

They would still have nailed him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brlpwq/if_jesus_was_thicc/
%
When life gives you lemons...

Get a job and stop worrying abt ur fuckin’ lemons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brlnkd/when_life_gives_you_lemons/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a packet of crisps.

The bar tended turns around and says “sorry we don’t serve food here”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brlnc7/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_pint/
%
They call my dick Maradona

Because I finish with my hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brllhp/they_call_my_dick_maradona/
%
My son made a joke about 1/5th.

2/10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brlldv/my_son_made_a_joke_about_15th/
%
What do you get if you get stung by a group of stingrays?

A fever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brlki0/what_do_you_get_if_you_get_stung_by_a_group_of/
%
Every time you get sick, slap yourself in the face until you get better.

After some time, you'll stop getting sick because your body has been trained that this is bad behaviour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brljok/every_time_you_get_sick_slap_yourself_in_the_face/
%
Your mother is like my professor’s thoughts on socio-economics.

Every worker gets a share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brlila/your_mother_is_like_my_professors_thoughts_on/
%
When life gives you lemons

... turn them into melons.
- Cosmetic Surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brlgle/when_life_gives_you_lemons/
%
Why are there so many unsolved murders in Alabama?

Because everyone has the same DNA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brlftr/why_are_there_so_many_unsolved_murders_in_alabama/
%
Scuba divings a good hobby

If you wanna hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brlcol/scuba_divings_a_good_hobby/
%
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..

I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brl4x6/my_neighborhood_barber_just_got_arrested_for/
%
A man walks into a bar...

He walks up to the counter and says, "bartender, I'll have three beers". The bartender replies, "woah, slow down, I need to see IDs for the other people." The man then goes to tell the bartender a story.  "Your don't understand .  I have two brothers who I'm very close to. But now they live far away.  So we made a promise that if we ever had a drink without the others, we would drink one for the missing brothers".   He then took the drinks and carefully set each one at a chair and proceeded to drink each one until they were done.  This goes on for a few years.  The bartender admired the man's dedication to this tradition.
One day, the guy arrived and only ordered two drinks.  He proceeded with his ritual and when he was done, he went to the bar to get a second round.  The bartender was worried.  Did something happen to one of the brothers?  He was sad and said, "knowing your tradition, I'm sorry for the loss of your brother"
The man replied, "those guys are fine, my wife told me I need to quit drinking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brl0o2/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Friend: I don’t believe in global warming.

Me: It would be so much cooler if you did though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brkywg/friend_i_dont_believe_in_global_warming/
%
Two women in heaven

After falling in front of a bus and dying a women found herself in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. she was let in with after having been told the rules of heaven.
"You can do anything you like, except step on a duck"
She found that odd bu twas happy anyway.
When she entered the gates she saw ducks all over the place, she had to be extremely careful not to step on one.
One day she saw one of her friends chained to a hideous man.
"what happened?" she asked her friend.
Her friend replied "I stood on a duck"
Even more dedicated to avoiding this fate she toiled for years avoiding ducks everywhere she went, until one day an angle came to her and chained to her to the most handsome man she had ever seen. She thought she must be being rewarded for her efforts.
"Did you step on a duck as well?" the man asked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brkt9n/two_women_in_heaven/
%
Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your shoes on the mat as you came in?

New Employee: Yes sir.
Boss: We are also very keen on truthfulness. There's no mat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brkqpn/boss_we_are_very_keen_on_cleanliness_did_you_wipe/
%
Anyone need some old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?

I have lots of back issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brkot6/anyone_need_some_old_copies_of_chiropractor/
%
What do a male and female Australians do?

Mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brknop/what_do_a_male_and_female_australians_do/
%
I keep getting Entomology and Etymology mixed up.

I seriously bugs me in ways I cannot put into words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brkmjo/i_keep_getting_entomology_and_etymology_mixed_up/
%
What happens when you sneak up behind a church?

You scare the deacons out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brkmhw/what_happens_when_you_sneak_up_behind_a_church/
%
When on a date with a German, never ask them to get the check.

Last time, it got misheard after World War One.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brkk98/when_on_a_date_with_a_german_never_ask_them_to/
%
The man who invented autocorrect has died today

Restaurant in piece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brkfuo/the_man_who_invented_autocorrect_has_died_today/
%
No matter how much I love cake

I would never dessert you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brke0z/no_matter_how_much_i_love_cake/
%
A non sequitur walks into a bar

In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brkc1j/a_non_sequitur_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I don’t know why everyone keeps calling the Prussia investigation the “Russia Investigation”..

The P is just silently sprayed on the hookers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brkagq/i_dont_know_why_everyone_keeps_calling_the/
%
Anti-vaxx parents don’t raise kids

They lower coffins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brk8et/antivaxx_parents_dont_raise_kids/
%
Why do people hang out around aspen trees?

They're very *poplar*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brk7qf/why_do_people_hang_out_around_aspen_trees/
%
Did you hear about the video of the terrorist attack?

It blew up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brk6a5/did_you_hear_about_the_video_of_the_terrorist/
%
I heard that some people have an extra testicle.

I mean, like, why would you need two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brk4sj/i_heard_that_some_people_have_an_extra_testicle/
%
Why did the blonde take 17 friends to the movies?

Because it was 18+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brk3v5/why_did_the_blonde_take_17_friends_to_the_movies/
%
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of a teenager

until she checked the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brk39f/my_wife_laughed_when_i_said_i_still_had_the_body/
%
From the gentleman in front of me at Winco

Husband: “Sweetheart, am I the only one you’ve ever made love to?”
Wife:”Of Course, the others were nines and tens”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brk2sb/from_the_gentleman_in_front_of_me_at_winco/
%
How can you tell the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?

If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the teeth brush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brk1rq/how_can_you_tell_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
%
So it's a chilly Thursday morning in Brno, and everybody's in line to buy meat.

They're waiting and waiting, and the line's not moving at all.
Eventually a Party official comes out and says "Due to the conspiracy of wreckers, there isn't enough meat. All the Jews need to get off the line".
So the Jews all get off the line and go home, but still everyone's waiting and there's no meat. Hours pass, and eventually the Party official comes back: "I'm sorry to report that there's still not enough meat. Everyone who's not a Party member needs to get off the line."
So all the non-party members get off the line and go home. But still all the Party members are waiting and waiting, no meat. After another two hours waiting in the cold the official comes back and says, "We're sorry but there's no meat today. Everybody get off the line."
As they're walking away from the line, one of the people who was waiting turns to the other and says: "You see? The Jews always have it the best!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brjyu2/so_its_a_chilly_thursday_morning_in_brno_and/
%
After 62 years of being devoted to Judaism, Abraham converts to Christianity

Distraught over this unexpected development, his life-long friend Moshe sends him a message.
Moshe: "Abraham, you schmuck! How could you abandon your faith?"
Abraham: "New Testament, who dis?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brjxou/after_62_years_of_being_devoted_to_judaism/
%
Pancho Villa

So a man walks into a bar in Mexico and sees a picture of Pancho Villa hanging on the wall.  He starts talking to a local bar fly and it turns out this man’s uncle had once met Pancho Villa!
“Once, when my uncle was a young boy, Pancho Villa came riding through his town.  My uncle, who was young and stupid at the time, ran up to Pancho Villa and stopped his horse.  The horse reared  causing Pancho’s pistol to fly out of its holster and on to the ground right next to my uncle.
My uncle, who was still young and stupid, picked up the gun and immediately aimed it at Pancho Villa.
‘Get off your horse,’ he barked, half-jokingly.
Pancho weighed the situation and realized he didn’t have much of a choice, so he climbed down off of his horse.
‘Get on the ground,’ my uncle ordered.
Pancho very reluctantly dropped to his knees and lie on the ground.
‘Eat that pile of horse shit right there.’
Pancho Villa scanned around, but his men were no where in sight.  He had no choice but to grudge it out and take a bite of the horse’s shit that lie there in front of him.
When Pancho Villa ate the shit, my uncle lost it.  He started laughing so hard that he couldn’t contain himself and Pancho saw his opportunity.  He lunged at my uncle and ripped his gun back from his hand.
Just then, Pancho’s men rode up.  They almost killed my uncle right there on the spot, but Pancho Villa stopped them.
‘You may live another day boy, but you must do one thing first.  Eat that pile of horse shit right there.’
My uncle had no choice but to choke down the entire pile of horse shit as Pancho Villa and his soldiers looked on.  When he was finished, they rode off out of town.”
“Wow! What an amazing story!” the traveler said. “But you really can’t expect me to believe that, do you?”
“You don’t believe me?  My uncle still lives just outside of town.  You can ask him for yourself!”
So the two men walked down to the uncle’s farm.  When they arrive, they see an old man sitting on the porch.”
“Hey there uncle. This man here has a question for you.”
The traveling man then asked, “Um, excuse me sir, but is it true that you once met Pancho Villa?”
The uncle bounced up and happily replied, “Met him?!  I had lunch with the guy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brjwpq/pancho_villa/
%
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train...

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brjt44/a_man_and_a_woman_who_have_never_met_before_find/
%
When should you go to the bakery instead of the pound?

When you want a pure bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brjpjw/when_should_you_go_to_the_bakery_instead_of_the/
%
I yelled “cow!” at a woman on a bike.

She gave me the finger. Then she plowed her bike strait into the cow.
I tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brjnl6/i_yelled_cow_at_a_woman_on_a_bike/
%
Weight loss program

Joe wanted to loose weight but he lacked the motivation to work out. One day he sees and ad in the paper, “3 step weight loss program, guaranteed to get you motivated to workout”
Joe thinks he has nothing to loose and calls the number.  later that evening he hears the door bell, he opens the door and there is a good looking women in gym attire. She says “if you catch me you get to fuck me”  Joe excited by this offer starts chasing her around, after an hour of running he finally catches her, and has the best sex he ever had and loses 5 lbs.
A few days later joe calls the same number again, this time a really gorgeous women comes to his door and makes the same offer. Joe chase her around for 2 hrs and finally catches her and had the best sex in his life again and loses 10 more lbs.
Joe waits a few days again and excitingly calls the same number again. Later on he hears the door bell, he can barely hold his excitement, he runs to the door and open it.  There’s a big muscular dude at the door,  Joe confused asked what does he want.  The guys says “If I catch you, I get to fuck you” joe lost 20lbs that day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brjm88/weight_loss_program/
%
Got some good financial news today

Small African boy I was sponsoring got eaten by a lion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brjlb2/got_some_good_financial_news_today/
%
If you want to try something different, go to a bar and order a Lindsey Lohan..

It's like a Shirley Temple with a lot of coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brjjmc/if_you_want_to_try_something_different_go_to_a/
%
Where?

Here, but with a W.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brjj0r/where/
%
I think I have a fetish for discovering things about myself

I just came to this realization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brjiv9/i_think_i_have_a_fetish_for_discovering_things/
%
What’s a 6.9?

A good time interrupted by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brjh2k/whats_a_69/
%
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child

But the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brjbs8/a_husband_and_wife_who_work_for_the_circus_go_to/
%
You know how all these actresses are pulling out of Georgia over the abortion thing...

don't they know that isn't effective birth control?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brjav5/you_know_how_all_these_actresses_are_pulling_out/
%
What is a pirate's favorite letter?

You may think that it would be "R", but their first love be the "C".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brj8bw/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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My wife said someone is listening to us.

I said do you believe in ghosts?
I laughed. She laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brj6uk/my_wife_said_someone_is_listening_to_us/
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Seems the mailman was going to retire...

So, Mrs. Jones told her husband about it because she wanted to do something nice for the guy.
Mr. Jones said "Screw him! Give him five dollars."
So, later that week, Mrs. Jones prepared an elaborate meal and when the mailman came by, she invited him in. She sat him down and served him the best meal he'd had in years.
Then she motioned for him to go into the bedroom. They then had the most intense sex ever, using every position imaginable. Afterwards, the mailman got his clothes back on and he went to the front door where Mrs. Jones handed him a five-dollar bill.
"Wow", said the mailman, "Five dollars too? What the heck is all this about?"
"Well", said Mrs. Jones, "I told my husband you were retiring and he said 'Screw him, give him five dollars'. But the luncheon was my idea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brj4r2/seems_the_mailman_was_going_to_retire/
%
How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room spins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brj4jq/how_many_alcoholics_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
You can tell how much a woman likes you by her feet...

If they're behind her ears then she really likes you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brj38p/you_can_tell_how_much_a_woman_likes_you_by_her/
%
Don't put your wooden shoes in the toilet

It clogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brj2ts/dont_put_your_wooden_shoes_in_the_toilet/
%
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.
She did.
He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said:
“No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brj2qj/a_woman_and_a_baby_were_in_the_doctors_examining/
%
Why was the subtraction sign elected president?

Because he promised to make a difference!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brize5/why_was_the_subtraction_sign_elected_president/
%
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brit2h/a_man_goes_to_a_10_hooker_and_contracts_crabs/
%
New Secret Service policy

So, the Secret Service has a new policy regarding the President's safety. Every time the president is in danger, they must shout "Donald, duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/briovz/new_secret_service_policy/
%
What do you call a girl with one leg? Ilene

If she's Asian though, Irene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/briov1/what_do_you_call_a_girl_with_one_leg_ilene/
%
My 84 year old grandma tells her doctor that she has a problem. She says "Every morning i have a massive piss at 7 and a massive crap at 8!" The doctor says "That is very healthy for a woman of your age....What is the problem?"

She says "I don't wake up til 9!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brim1h/my_84_year_old_grandma_tells_her_doctor_that_she/
%
Did you hear about the man with five penises?

They said his pants fit him like a glove.
Ba dump bump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brilyu/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_five_penises/
%
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed, "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brikw1/by_the_time_a_marine_pulled_into_a_little_town/
%
I tripped over a bra today

I guess it was a booby trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brij0r/i_tripped_over_a_bra_today/
%
I’m good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brih0s/im_good_at_sleeping/
%
What’s the opposite of a Mormon?

An oxymormon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/briem6/whats_the_opposite_of_a_mormon/
%
Betcha don’t think I would hit you with a vegetable just to get a laugh

You are in for a rutebabaga’ning my friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bribor/betcha_dont_think_i_would_hit_you_with_a/
%
I asked my wife if she could tell me something that would make me both sad and happy at he same time

"You have the biggest penis among all of your friends"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bri6z6/i_asked_my_wife_if_she_could_tell_me_something/
%
I took the pee test

The doctor took my piss, but slipped and spilled it on me.
I told him, "Urine trouble!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bri4j9/i_took_the_pee_test/
%
Why do people in Alabama not do the reverse cowgirl?

Because you never turn your back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bri3uv/why_do_people_in_alabama_not_do_the_reverse/
%
My doctor said I have multiple personality disorder

But we don't think so

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bri17w/my_doctor_said_i_have_multiple_personality/
%
A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brhzt6/a_woman_has_identical_twins_and_gives_them_up_for/
%
I was born at 7:11...

The store clerk was pretty mad about the mess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brhnw3/i_was_born_at_711/
%
How many lawyer jokes actually exist?

Only three. The rest are true stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brhl55/how_many_lawyer_jokes_actually_exist/
%
If the marijuana dispensary gets flooded...

...is that considered high water?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brheeo/if_the_marijuana_dispensary_gets_flooded/
%
There are 2 whales, we'll call them whale #1 and whale #2

Whale #1 said "Hey let's use our blowholes to mess with that ship"
Whale #2 said "Sure, okay"
The boat flipped upside down and people were drowning and swimming around
Whale #1 then said "Let's eat these people"
Whale #2 replied "Hey man I was up for a blowjob but I'm not eating seamen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brhblt/there_are_2_whales_well_call_them_whale_1_and/
%
I found a genie and wished for a gigantic mansion

He said if he could do that, he wouldn’t be living in a bottle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brh7la/i_found_a_genie_and_wished_for_a_gigantic_mansion/
%
Students on a Plane

A Group of Engineering students were given free airline tickets for a holiday outside the country. Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane from the parts the students had built. Everyone freaked out and left, except for the teacher who sat in front smiling with confidence. When the attendant asked why, he answered: "I've been teaching them for months now, I know their special capabilities well. This shit won't even start."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brgydj/students_on_a_plane/
%
I keep getting bad looks from a recent amputee.

All i said is I need a pair of hands with my job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brgxry/i_keep_getting_bad_looks_from_a_recent_amputee/
%
“It’s a boy!”, I exclaimed, tears rushing down my face.

It was that precise moment I decided to never visit Thailand again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brgvbk/its_a_boy_i_exclaimed_tears_rushing_down_my_face/
%
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the statue of liberty?

Of course. The statue of liberty cant jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brgu2z/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_the_statue_of/
%
Yo mama is so poor...

But she still raised you!
Love your mama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brgqqq/yo_mama_is_so_poor/
%
Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. ‘They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6:
A little bird was late flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This concludes the 5 Minute Management Lesson. If this is a repost, I apologize in advance. Afterwards. You know what I thought I meant. Mean. Average.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brglub/five_minute_management_lesson/
%
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and I found a bunch of inappropriate magazines."

"What did you do?" the second nun asked.
"I threw them in the trash, of course."
"Well," said the second nun, "I was in the Father's room putting away laundry and found a bunch of condoms."
"What did you do?" the first nun asked.
"I poked holes in them."
"Oh, crap," said the third nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brgijv/three_nuns_were_talking_the_first_nun_said_i_was/
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Many Valedictorians will begin their speech by telling what success means to them.

And why not? It’s a defining moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brgi2w/many_valedictorians_will_begin_their_speech_by/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick their cousin in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brghb4/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
Why are pirates all sexually frustrated?

Because they’re looking for booty but all they ever find is big chests.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brgh49/why_are_pirates_all_sexually_frustrated/
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Rectal Exam

I went into my proctologist’s office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me
I sat down
While waiting I observed
That there were three items on a stand
Next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer .
When the doctor finally came in I said,
“Look Doc, I’m a little confused
This is my first exam ..
I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . .
Darn it, Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brgg26/rectal_exam/
%
At school my favourite lesson was PE, probably because I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing rooms naked, flicking the kids with my towel whilst pointing and laughing at their little knobs....

Looking back I think that’s probably why I had to leave  teaching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brgees/at_school_my_favourite_lesson_was_pe_probably/
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I asked my ol’lady if she wanted to do a 68,....she asked, what’s a 68?

Well you blow me and I owe you 1!  She said how bout a 77?, i said a 77?, ya that way I get 8 more!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brgaar/i_asked_my_ollady_if_she_wanted_to_do_a_68she/
%
If you get a divorce in Alabama,

are you still brother and sister?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brg948/if_you_get_a_divorce_in_alabama/
%
In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.
^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brg6n0/in_grade_school_i_had_a_math_teacher_named_mrs/
%
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.
I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brg519/my_job_is_so_fucking_unbelievable_ill_try_to_sum/
%
The state of Alabama.

That is all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brg23t/the_state_of_alabama/
%
I hate it when people ask me where I see myself in a year.

I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brfvc2/i_hate_it_when_people_ask_me_where_i_see_myself/
%
I was banned from a largest cock competition

Apparently I misunderstood the objective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brfu4k/i_was_banned_from_a_largest_cock_competition/
%
A police officer sees a man searching for something under a streetlight

The officer asks him, "What are you looking for?"
The man says, "My car keys. I lost them in that alley over there."
"Then why aren't you searching in that alley?"
"Because, officer, the light's much better over here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brfjpo/a_police_officer_sees_a_man_searching_for/
%
Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”
The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing.”
So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There’s no noise.
The first guy says, “Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let’s throw one of rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”
So they pick up a  rocks and toss it into the hole and wait… and wait… Again, nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey, over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it’s gotta make some noise.”
So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen and look at each other in amazement.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, “Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?”
The first guy says, “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!”
“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brfavy/two_guys_are_walking_through_the_woods_one_day/
%
I've decided I'm going to start collecting records. It's my desicion,

and that's vinyl!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brf5ed/ive_decided_im_going_to_start_collecting_records/
%
My grief counselor died the other day

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brf2qf/my_grief_counselor_died_the_other_day/
%
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation of why you should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were pictures of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brey68/my_dad_showed_me_a_30_minute_powerpoint/
%
A blonde in a bar

John, a young man, enters a bar at 10pm, and sit next to a cute blonde girl. The news channel is on and they are diffusing a man about to jump from a bridge.
The blonde girl goes. « You thinks he’ll jump? »
John goes. « You know what, ill bet you 50$ bucks this dude will jump ». And put 50$ on the the bar. The blonde says he wont.
Right as the blonde take her money out of her purse the guy jump of the bridge.
The blonde pretty angry gave John the money. « We took a bet and you won, here’s your money »
John answer. «  look i cant take the money.... i saw it earlier today, and knew he would jump, its a recap of what happened today »
The blonde goes.  «  Yeah, i knew it too, didn’t expect him to do it again.... »
John took the money and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brextb/a_blonde_in_a_bar/
%
There are 70 ways to keep a man happy, first Is alcohol

Second is 69

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bren32/there_are_70_ways_to_keep_a_man_happy_first_is/
%
Dad what is an alcoholic? well son do you see those 4 cars in front of us? An alcoholic would see 8 cars.

But dad, there are only 2..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/breho9/dad_what_is_an_alcoholic_well_son_do_you_see/
%
What does a muscle contraction cost?

80p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brehic/what_does_a_muscle_contraction_cost/
%
Police officer questioning a man. So when was it you noticed that your wife was dead?

Man replied, sex was the same but the dishes started piling up..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bredrc/police_officer_questioning_a_man_so_when_was_it/
%
In English class I learned the word for when you take someone literally.

“Kidnapping”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bre8xf/in_english_class_i_learned_the_word_for_when_you/
%
Mum asks Lucy what she wants for her birthday, Lucy replies I want a Barbie and a G.I Joe, mum says but Barbie comes with Ken.

No says Lucy, she comes with G.I Joe,
she fakes it with Ken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bre64w/mum_asks_lucy_what_she_wants_for_her_birthday/
%
I just found out my girlfriend is a communist

I should've seen the red flags sooner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bre4z1/i_just_found_out_my_girlfriend_is_a_communist/
%
Angelina Jolie walks into a florists.

'I'd like to buy some flowers', she says.
'Orchids?' says the florist.
'No, just flowers today'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bre09u/angelina_jolie_walks_into_a_florists/
%
What does the B stand for in Benoit B Mandelbrot?

Benoit B Mandelbrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brdwe9/what_does_the_b_stand_for_in_benoit_b_mandelbrot/
%
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

Some asshole has my pen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brduly/what_did_the_nurse_say_when_she_found_a_rectal/
%
While digging a hole in my garden, i found my lost wedding ring..

I rushed in to tell my wife, but remembered why i was digging the hole in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brdts4/while_digging_a_hole_in_my_garden_i_found_my_lost/
%
I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.

I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brdri0/im_trying_to_introduce_my_wife_to_my_scooby_doo/
%
There are 10 types of people in the world..

..those who understand binary, and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brdm1a/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
My friend is addicted to drinking brake fluid

He says he can stop anytime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brdj8q/my_friend_is_addicted_to_drinking_brake_fluid/
%
What did Trump say to China during the Trade War Negotiations?

It's my way, my way or the Huawei.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brdbya/what_did_trump_say_to_china_during_the_trade_war/
%
Stop writing hateful things about Alabama and the abortion laws all over social media.

They likely can't read, we will need to tell them in person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brda0f/stop_writing_hateful_things_about_alabama_and_the/
%
I’m freaking out right now! I found a dead body in the trunk of my car!

Where the hell did the other one go?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brd7ul/im_freaking_out_right_now_i_found_a_dead_body_in/
%
Doctor... I'm terrified of random letters...

Doctor: you are?
Me: *screams*
Doctor: oh I see...
Me: *screaming intensifies*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brd7b8/doctor_im_terrified_of_random_letters/
%
I would donate blood more often, but I'm embarrassed about all the personal questions they ask

Like "who's blood is this?" and "how did you get so much?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brd58d/i_would_donate_blood_more_often_but_im/
%
Charles, Angus and Patrick had just broken out of prison

Knowing that the police were hot on their tails, they dashed into the nearest building they could find; and old pub. Worried that the police would arrive at any second, they headed into the basement to hide. In the basement they found three large burlap sacks, which they hastily climbed into in an attempt to conceal themselves.
A policeman walked into the pub and asked the old landlord if he had seen 3 men enter. The man pondered for a while, before pointing a wrinkled old finger to the door leading to the basement.
The policeman entered the basement to find the 3 sacks leaning against the wall. Curious, he kicked the first one, inside of which hid Charles. Thinking on his feet, Charles did his best impression of a dog. "Woof woof, woof woof", he barked.
The policeman frowned, but said nothing. He moved to the next bag, where Angus hid, and decided to kick it too. Following Charles' lead, Angus began to purr like a cat. Again, the policeman frowned, but said nothing.
Finally, he came to Patrick's bag, which he again kicked. Patrick, who had been trying desperately to understand the others' plan, smiled, and shouted, with as much conviction as he could muster, "POTATOES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brcs1l/charles_angus_and_patrick_had_just_broken_out_of/
%
I really believe that Allah is the one true god,

I mean the universe started with an explosion, didn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brcqfc/i_really_believe_that_allah_is_the_one_true_god/
%
What do you call xxxtentacion before he was famous?

Alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brcp3s/what_do_you_call_xxxtentacion_before_he_was_famous/
%
The other day a woman described me as a looker

Well, ‘voyeur’ is the actual word she used.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brclp7/the_other_day_a_woman_described_me_as_a_looker/
%
I had to create a report on how wind energy is produced

It was a breeze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brcjey/i_had_to_create_a_report_on_how_wind_energy_is/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They dont know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brcg4d/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar

And it didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brcax8/schrödingers_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My wife blames me for two things...

Mainly that I often do not listen to her, and she was also saying something else…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brc5yu/my_wife_blames_me_for_two_things/
%
Disney forgot Gaston's greatest accomplishment

He was a winner of the no belle prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brc467/disney_forgot_gastons_greatest_accomplishment/
%
Walking through town, a guy on a corner offered to draw a picture of me and my wife and showed me some of the other things he was working on...

...I would have bought one, but his portfolio was super sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brc0dh/walking_through_town_a_guy_on_a_corner_offered_to/
%
Why is 68 afraid of 70?

Because 69 and 70 once got into a fight and 71.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brbz4m/why_is_68_afraid_of_70/
%
If I had a nickel for every time I was confused

I’d be like Why do I keep getting all of these nickels?
(Hopefully this isn’t a repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brbvaw/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_i_was_confused/
%
What do people from Alabama do on Halloween?

PUMP-KIN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brbujy/what_do_people_from_alabama_do_on_halloween/
%
My wife and I were laughing today about how competitive we are.

(I laughed more than she did, though.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brbs88/my_wife_and_i_were_laughing_today_about_how/
%
Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”
The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”
Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”
Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?”
Tommy said, “I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brbjqs/tommy_bought_a_horse_from_a_farmer_for_250_and/
%
Slghtly offensive, don't kill me.

What do you call Jewish Pokemon trainer?
Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brbh1d/slghtly_offensive_dont_kill_me/
%
A older married couple were laying in bed one night....

reading a book before bed. The husband lets out a huge fart and says "Touch down"! His wife was disgusted at first but suddenly lets out a fart and says "Touchdown...Tie game". Not to be out done, the husband tries to fart again but only let out a tiny little toot...."field goal! 3 points"! The wife lets out another rip and says "Another Touchdown, back in the lead". This irritated the husband and did not want to lose. So he strained and attempted to let out a huge fart but instead he let out a god awful fart and shit the bed! His wife asked "what the hell was that!!". The husband says, "Half time, switch sides"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brbfpe/a_older_married_couple_were_laying_in_bed_one/
%
I finally know why reddit it called reddit

Everything is a repost so I've already read it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brb860/i_finally_know_why_reddit_it_called_reddit/
%
An elephant wandering the jungle gets a thorn in its foot ...

Unable to extract the thorn itself, the elephant leans against a coconut tree, waiting for some other animal to come along and help him.
Hours pass and no animal appears. Just then, an ant comes crawling along.
"Oh, Brother Ant!" the elephant says. "Could you please help me take this thorn out of my foot?"
The ant sidles up. "Sure but, uh ... what's in it for me?"
"I have very little, but I'll do what I can," the elephant says. "What would you like?"
The ant smiles salaciously. "I've always wanted to fuck an elephant."
The elephant blinks, offended. He looks at the ant, and - judging by his miniscule size - decides to let the ant have at it.
"Sure, go ahead," the elephant says.
Triumphant, the ant climbs up the elephant's leg, positions itself at its rear, and goes at it.
Of course, the elephant can't feel a bloody thing, but he can hear the ant grunting and working away.
As he starts to picture the image in his mind, the elephant starts to laugh. He laughs so hard, he shakes the tree. Suddenly, a coconut drops off and hits the elephant square in the head.
"OW!" the elephant cries out.
The ant says, "Yeah that's right, bitch - take it, take it all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brb6n4/an_elephant_wandering_the_jungle_gets_a_thorn_in/
%
Why do shoes make such bad politicians?

Because they have soles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brb1v7/why_do_shoes_make_such_bad_politicians/
%
PETA, in an attempt to improve its terrible public image, is launching a new, green plastic product line.

Everything is made from 100% recycled pet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brb0vb/peta_in_an_attempt_to_improve_its_terrible_public/
%
A midget walks into a brothel with a honey comb and a jackass

He asked the Madame of the brothel for a woman.
The Madame replied "of course but I must ask, what's with the honey comb and the mule?"
He told her that he took them everywhere ever since his wife left him. This was due to his height.
The midget told the Madame his wife had found a magic genie who granted her 3 wishes.
"The first wish was a palace fit for a queen and so the genie granted her a honey comb."
The Madame replied "that's horrible!"
"Oh it gets worse" said the man " her second wish was to have the nicest ass in all the lands, and so the genie granted her this mule."
"And the third wish?"
"The third wish was to have my cock hang down past my knee."
"That's not so bad" the Madame replied
"Not so bad?  I used to be 6'3"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brazgn/a_midget_walks_into_a_brothel_with_a_honey_comb/
%
- Is white a color?

- Yes it is.
- Is black a color?
- Yes it is.
- That means I sold you a colored TV!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brapye/is_white_a_color/
%
The wheels on patrol car constantly end up falling off before I even make it back to the station. The boss asks if I’m working too hard

I said I’m working tirelessly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brap86/the_wheels_on_patrol_car_constantly_end_up/
%
Everyone wants to write jokes about Alabama

But no one in Alabama will ever read them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brao59/everyone_wants_to_write_jokes_about_alabama/
%
how do you punish your pet rock??

You hit rock bottom
HA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/branem/how_do_you_punish_your_pet_rock/
%
I just received “Employee of the Month” at my furniture construction company.

But some people call me counter productive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bramz7/i_just_received_employee_of_the_month_at_my/
%
My girlfriend left me because I keep making Linkin Park references

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bralvf/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_i_keep_making/
%
What do you call bees that can produce milk ?

Boo-Bees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bralkz/what_do_you_call_bees_that_can_produce_milk/
%
Why was the baby strawberry crying ?

Because her mother was in a jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brakr2/why_was_the_baby_strawberry_crying/
%
Why did the half blind woman fall in a well?

She couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brakmh/why_did_the_half_blind_woman_fall_in_a_well/
%
Suspect: I’m innocent! He died of natural causes.

Police: There was clear evidence that you pushed him off the roof.
Suspect: Well, gravity is natural.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brafg8/suspect_im_innocent_he_died_of_natural_causes/
%
What do you call two hippos riding a bicycle?

Optimistic!
My friend had this on a joke calendar this morning. If anyone can, please explain this to us. Are we that dumb that we don't get it, or is it so obvious that we might be over thinking it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brae69/what_do_you_call_two_hippos_riding_a_bicycle/
%
My doctor just told me I have Type-P blood

Turns out it was just a Type-O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bracc7/my_doctor_just_told_me_i_have_typep_blood/
%
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/brac3d/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
%
Charles, Angus and Patrick are in a helicopter when the pilot informs them they are losing altitude.

Desperately, they throw out whatever they have on them. Charles throws out his teapot, Angus throws out his bagpipes and Patrick throws out a bomb. The helicopter recovers and they land safely.
When Charles gets home, he finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A teapot fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".
When Angus gets home, he too finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A set of bagpipes fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".
When Patrick gets home, he finds his father in the garden laughing uncontrollably. When he asks him what happened, he replies "As I bent over to tie my shoes, I farted and next doors' house blew up!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br9xsg/charles_angus_and_patrick_are_in_a_helicopter/
%
A book fell on me

I've only got my shelf to blame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br9v8i/a_book_fell_on_me/
%
I’m going to be dad !!

But I don’t know how to tell my wife...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br9rdo/im_going_to_be_dad/
%
Chinese people all have the same answer when I ask what red flags to look out for when I go to China.

They all say the national flag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br9mvr/chinese_people_all_have_the_same_answer_when_i/
%
The news about Android banning Huawei is sad. But I know Huawei can fix this.

If there’s a will, there’s Huawei.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br9k5x/the_news_about_android_banning_huawei_is_sad_but/
%
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br9ihb/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
%
Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet

He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br9fap/gandhi_often_walked_barefoot_wich_produced_an/
%
I lost my sleeping mask.

I won't rest until I find it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br9bwb/i_lost_my_sleeping_mask/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br99pa/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
Like many young boys, I remember the first time I saw my dads dick.

I remember saying “Dad...
Don’t text me shit like that..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br98hf/like_many_young_boys_i_remember_the_first_time_i/
%
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.

As he walks in, a beautiful young woman asks him why he brought with him the honeycomb and jackass.
"Well, you see..." The dwarf proclaims "I found a magic genie who said he would give me 3 wishes. For the first wish I asked for a palace fit for a Queen. And thus he gave me a honeycomb. A palace fit for a Queen Bed.".
"Next..." He continues "I wished I could have the perfect ass! And thus, I was given this jackass."
The beautiful woman can't help but hold back a giggle.
"And lastly I asked for a cock that went to my knees..." Said the dwarf.
"Well that can't be that bad!" Proclaimed the woman
"Says you!" The dwarf retorts "I USED TO BE 6 FOOT TALL!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br9057/a_dwarf_walks_into_a_brothel_with_a_honeycomb_and/
%
What happened to the suicidal guy who wanted a high five?

he was left hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br8y8v/what_happened_to_the_suicidal_guy_who_wanted_a/
%
Me: I’m terrified by random letters

Therapist: oh are you?
Me: (screams)
Therapist: oh I see
Me: (screaming intensifies)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br8xun/me_im_terrified_by_random_letters/
%
Can a ninja throw very far?

Shuriken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br8xkl/can_a_ninja_throw_very_far/
%
My friend said she didn't know what cloning was

I said that makes two of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br8wwq/my_friend_said_she_didnt_know_what_cloning_was/
%
When I was younger, I was obsessed with the difference between a sine and a cosine.

As I got older, I realized it was just a phase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br8sz3/when_i_was_younger_i_was_obsessed_with_the/
%
I noticed that my local convent has no security around the building, so I helped my self

No 'fence.
Nun taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br8sic/i_noticed_that_my_local_convent_has_no_security/
%
A diabetic kid died during the night.

His mother wished him "sweet dreams" before sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br8s7m/a_diabetic_kid_died_during_the_night/
%
What do you get when you combine a wedding and a funeral?

Two funerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br8op6/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_a_wedding_and_a/
%
I've spent my entire life looking for ways to get taller.

Sadly, I've come up short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br8n6y/ive_spent_my_entire_life_looking_for_ways_to_get/
%
How do you find a blind person at a nude beach?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br8mda/how_do_you_find_a_blind_person_at_a_nude_beach/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br8emp/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
What happened when dad caught his son..

One day a father of 2 in Alabama had came back from his workplace to home he had heard weird moaning noises....
The father went to investigate and when he opened a door leading to one of his child's bedroom.
There was his son and his "supposed" girlfriend in their bed..
The 2 looked at the father awkwardly and screamed...
DDDDAAAAAAAADDDDDD!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br8c8d/what_happened_when_dad_caught_his_son/
%
My neighbour is stalking me.

I saw him checking my FB profile through my binoculars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br88wp/my_neighbour_is_stalking_me/
%
Walking the dog

I hate it when I'm walking around the
park and a dog shits and people just
walk off and leave it. I'm like, "Excuse me, are you not going to pick that up?"
They reply with things like, "No, fuck off,
it's your dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br84ks/walking_the_dog/
%
Giving the wife flowers

Man gives his wife some roses.. later that night his wife gets naked and open her legs .. husband say' " what's that for? " she says for the rose's  he says fuck me aint u got a vase !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br83lp/giving_the_wife_flowers/
%
Newton, Pascal and Tesla were playing hide and go seek.

For the first round, Tesla was the seeker. He began counting to 100 and Pascal scurried off to find somewhere to hide.
However, Newton simply drew a square on the ground and stepped into it.
When Tesla finished counting he opened his eyes to see Newton standing in front of him, not even attempting to hide.
"Found you!" He exclaimed.
"No," Newton calmly replied, pointing at the square he was standing in, "You have found one Newton per metre squared."
"You have found Pascal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br81pt/newton_pascal_and_tesla_were_playing_hide_and_go/
%
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br7zrf/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
%
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet.

She said something like "wait until the child is born.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br7xhb/my_girlfriend_just_screamed_at_me_for_tickling_my/
%
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike?

“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” the boy replied.
“Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.
He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br7wly/a_father_came_home_from_a_long_business_trip_to/
%
"Dad, how do stars die?"

"Usually an overdose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br7v4f/dad_how_do_stars_die/
%
I wanted to make a joke out of Reposts...

...But then I realized it's nothing new

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br7tsf/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_out_of_reposts/
%
Shout out to my GPS!

I don't know where I'd be without it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br7spl/shout_out_to_my_gps/
%
A Catholic Mexican couple decide to mix it up a bit.

They'd been engaged for a year and instead of getting married in their village they decided to have a spontaneous marriage in Las Vegas. So they flew there one night, found a cute little chapel and said their vows. As they were leaving a man walks up to them. He said "we like to offer newly wed couples this dare, if you take it you get $500,000 but only if you agree to the dare first." Still glowing with excitement from their new found love they say what the heck why not. They sign the contract then ask with slight nervousness what the dare is. "Well," he replied chuckling to himself, "although you will now get this $500,000 you must have 10 children together!" With the dare now exposed he looses it giggling uncontrollably and fistbumping a random guy walking down the street. The couple look noticably shocked but after a few seconds they seem to recover a little and the husband says it's a good thing they got $500,000 for the dare. The man replies that's what most people say. "I bet," the husband says again. "Last time someone tried to limit how many kids we could have they got thrown out of the village."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br7qy7/a_catholic_mexican_couple_decide_to_mix_it_up_a/
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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how much you care.

The police call it indecent exposure but whatever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br7pwf/it_only_takes_a_few_seconds_to_show_someone_how/
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What do you get if you cross a mob boss, a gang leader, and a drug dealer?

Killed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br7mls/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_mob_boss_a_gang/
%
I was going down in an elevator. It stopped and two beautiful ladies entered. Three of us continued down. One whispered “I can smell sperm!”. I was mortified……

…and then to my relieve, the other whispered back “Sorry, that was me, I just burped”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br7dan/i_was_going_down_in_an_elevator_it_stopped_and/
%
I asked the librarian if she had any books on turtles..

"Hard back?" she inquired..
"Yes..." I replied. "And little heads"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br76ta/i_asked_the_librarian_if_she_had_any_books_on/
%
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?

The fly S.W.A.T. Team!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br71tn/if_theres_an_invasion_army_of_endless_flies/
%
What’s the best thing to get a girl who’s never had sex sober?

A drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br70ny/whats_the_best_thing_to_get_a_girl_whos_never_had/
%
A recently discovered type of kangaroo can jump higher than the empire state building...

... because Empire State building cannot jump at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br6xdg/a_recently_discovered_type_of_kangaroo_can_jump/
%
I noticed that people under the age of 20 are strongly gravitating towards 60s classic rock by well-known bands, such as The Who.

I'm not trying to cause a big sensation, I'm just talking 'bout my generation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br6qc5/i_noticed_that_people_under_the_age_of_20_are/
%
I saw the most disgusting thing today: a strip club across the street from a playground.

Just trying to enjoy the day with my family while losers are swinging on monkey bars 50 feet away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br6q4o/i_saw_the_most_disgusting_thing_today_a_strip/
%
What's a police officers favorite kind of coffee? (OC)

Black with extra shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br6lnn/whats_a_police_officers_favorite_kind_of_coffee_oc/
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A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno, dos..." *poof*. He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br6jjq/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
%
The darkest joke I have ever read

My wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Edit - It was written in vantablack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br679w/the_darkest_joke_i_have_ever_read/
%
A woman bursts into the clubhouse at a golf course, out of breath...

“Is there a doctor in the house?” She gasps.
A guy nursing a pint at the bat looks up. “What seems to be the problem?” He asks.
“I’ve been stung by a bee.” She replies.
“Where?”
“Between the first and second holes.”
He returns to his drink. “Clearly madam, your stance is too wide.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br65yc/a_woman_bursts_into_the_clubhouse_at_a_golf/
%
What says, “Ooooooooo?”

A cow with no lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br627p/what_says_ooooooooo/
%
From Got: I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel.

The madame says "what can we do for you?". "I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me," I say. "Whatever for?" the madame says. "And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?"
"My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes," I explain. "The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey."
The madame asks: "And what about the third wish?" "Well... she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee," I say.
"Well that one's not so bad eh?" the madame replies.
"Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5yui/from_got_i_once_brought_a_jackass_and_a_honeycomb/
%
If my ancestors hadn't managed to escape from Nazi Germany, I probably wouldn't exist.

They went to Argentina in 1945.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5xnl/if_my_ancestors_hadnt_managed_to_escape_from_nazi/
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Most stories end with a bang or a whimper.

Old Yeller has both covered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5vkn/most_stories_end_with_a_bang_or_a_whimper/
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My ancestors knew exactly when to escape from Nazi Germany.

There were a LOT of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5t9p/my_ancestors_knew_exactly_when_to_escape_from/
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I don’t want to vaccinate my children

I think that’s something a doctor should do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5sxo/i_dont_want_to_vaccinate_my_children/
%
Beat you to death

If I die before you, have I beat you to death?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5q1v/beat_you_to_death/
%
What's the difference between a leper and a leopard?

A leopard can hang on to a limb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5p40/whats_the_difference_between_a_leper_and_a_leopard/
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Sexy cop story

So 3 guys were riding down the road and got pulled over by a sexy ass cop. They were in for a hell of a lot of trouble. There tag was out. They had a busted tail light. They didn’t even have insurance. So the cop walks up and says if they can show her 20 inches of dick then she’ll let them go, so they said alright. The first guy whips out his dick, 12 inches. The second guy whips out his dick, 6 inches. The third guy whips out his dick, 2 inches. The cop said “ok I’m a woman of my word, I’ll let you go” so they drove off. The first guy said “y’all better be glad I got 12 inches.” The second guy said “y’all better be happy that I had my 6.” The third guy said “Hell, both of y’all better be happy I was on hard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5oku/sexy_cop_story/
%
Why did the amoeba fail math class?

Because it multiplied by dividing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5o6k/why_did_the_amoeba_fail_math_class/
%
(NSFW) Whats the difference between a priest and a zit?

A zit waits till you’re twelve to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5n2d/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a/
%
I was wondering was the opposite of "dusk" was.

And then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5mjm/i_was_wondering_was_the_opposite_of_dusk_was/
%
What do we want?! Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them?!

Neeeoowwwwww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5k8g/what_do_we_want_low_flying_airplane_noises_when/
%
Did you hear about the painter who died?

Apparently it was due to too many strokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5ibb/did_you_hear_about_the_painter_who_died/
%
What do you call an army of sperm hurtling toward an egg?

An infantry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5i1o/what_do_you_call_an_army_of_sperm_hurtling_toward/
%
I dumped my girlfriend when she said she had the banner of the USSR on her wall.

It's a huge red flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5dmc/i_dumped_my_girlfriend_when_she_said_she_had_the/
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Girls are ridiculous man. Give em an inch and they take

All your child support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5azj/girls_are_ridiculous_man_give_em_an_inch_and_they/
%
I'll never understand blind people.

We just can't see eye to eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br57gq/ill_never_understand_blind_people/
%
I saw two men wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay.

they arrested me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br56k5/i_saw_two_men_wearing_matching_outfits_and_asked/
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A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke:
“Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.”
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice:
“Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”
The entire congregation said: “Amen.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br5525/a_pastors_wife_was_expecting_a_baby_so_he_stood/
%
What's the longest word in the English language?

Smiles.
There's a mile between each S.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br540e/whats_the_longest_word_in_the_english_language/
%
What do you call it when you get an erection at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br534h/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_an_erection_at_a/
%
Why should Microsoft hire a spider?

Because it would be a good web builder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br50gy/why_should_microsoft_hire_a_spider/
%
What’s to the east of Westeros?

Westos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4xg6/whats_to_the_east_of_westeros/
%
I wanted to tell a joke about binary numbers

But I couldn't zero in on one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4xbg/i_wanted_to_tell_a_joke_about_binary_numbers/
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I keep telling everyone I’m a pathological liar.

But they won’t believe me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4wz7/i_keep_telling_everyone_im_a_pathological_liar/
%
What's the opposite of Donut?

Don'tnut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4wml/whats_the_opposite_of_donut/
%
What do you call Michael Jackson on the toilet?

The King of Plop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4v86/what_do_you_call_michael_jackson_on_the_toilet/
%
Genders are like the twin towers now

There used to be two and now we don’t talk about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4v6w/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers_now/
%
Old guy goes to the doc for a checkup and brings the wife along because he is hard of hearing. Doc: Everything looks okay but I still want to run some tests so I need a urine, feces, and sperm sample.

Old guy: (To wife) What did he say?
Wife: (loudly) He wants your underwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4tra/old_guy_goes_to_the_doc_for_a_checkup_and_brings/
%
If a priest is travelling at the speed of light...

Does he still have mass?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4oct/if_a_priest_is_travelling_at_the_speed_of_light/
%
How do you make a hormone?

Kick her in the cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4n9c/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
A man and his buddy are out drinking

Sam and his buddy, Al, are out drinking.  Al has had a little more than enough and decides to head home early.  As he's heading home he goes across a bridge that has a light pole fallen across it.  Unfortunately, Al doesn't see the pole and crashes his truck into it, decapitating and killing him instantly.
About a half hour later Sam is heading home and comes upon the scene.  The police are already taking care of things when Sam sees Al's truck and gets out to talk to an officer.  Upon realizing that Sam and Al were friends, the officer asks him to provide the positive ID.  He takes Sam to Al and uncovers his face.  Sam can't see real well so he bends down and grabs the head by the ears and lifts him up above his head till the light of the cruiser illuminates the face.  "Nope, that ain't Al!" and Sam sets the head back down.  The officer is flabbergasted, since it's Al's truck and his license is in his wallet.  "What do you mean that ain't Al?"
Sam replies, "Al ain't that tall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4n3u/a_man_and_his_buddy_are_out_drinking/
%
A orthodox priest, a catholic priest and a rabbi ..

Walking in the dessert and find a suitcase with 3 mil $.
They talk and decide to split the money evenly,but then the catholic priest says:
" Wait, god gave us this money by his will, so i think we should give something back to him for his mercy."
They all agree but each has a different approach:
The catholic priest throws the money in the air and draws a circle in the sand and says:
" What ever falls in the circle is for god, the rest is mine! "
The orthodox priest throws the money in the air then draws a line in the sand and says:
" What ever falls on my side of the line is mine the rest is for god."
The rabbi is the last, he takes the money and throws it in the air and says:
"If god need any money he can take while it's in the air , what ever falls back down is mine "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4m84/a_orthodox_priest_a_catholic_priest_and_a_rabbi/
%
When I got home tonight, my wife asked me what I wanted to watch.

Apparently, "you pack your shit and move out" was not a good answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4kr0/when_i_got_home_tonight_my_wife_asked_me_what_i/
%
A pompous student is taking a college course but never shows up to class. on the day of exams...

On the day of exams the student comes in and starts writing his essay with the rest as if he’s been there the whole time. The professor sees this and thinks how weird it is that the kid is taking the exam without going to the classes. Anyways the time is nearing the end and the professor announces there are 10 minutes left and everyone starts furiously writing but the one student is writing extra vigorously. Time comes and the professor announces that the exam is over and to stop writing. All students close their blue books except for that one student. The professor decides to let him go until they turn in the books. Class is over and every student turns in their book/s  and leaves except for the kid who is madly scribbling on the paper. The teacher is about to reprimand him until the student closes the book and yells “done!”. Professor is mad saying, “I repeatedly told you the test was over and to stop writing so I’m not taking yours. The student was in furious shock he said, “do you know who I am?!?” The professor, who is fed up says, “no and I don’t care!” So the student replies, “good” he the. Takes half the exams puts his in the middle puts the half back on top then bolts out the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4jil/a_pompous_student_is_taking_a_college_course_but/
%
What do you call killing kids in Fortnite?

E-Bortion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4huj/what_do_you_call_killing_kids_in_fortnite/
%
Why do most people fail ninja school?

Because they show up to class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4hh1/why_do_most_people_fail_ninja_school/
%
William always wanted to be a bouncer...

He trained and trained ever since he was a teenager: lifting weights, getting bigger and stronger.
Mere days after his 21st birthday, a sign appeared at the local bar “Bouncer wanted.” What luck! At this point William looked the part the part and more. His training had paid dividends in a big way: he was 6’3”, 250 lbs, with what couldn’t be more than an ounce of body fat on his entire frame.
William rushed home, got his resumé, and told his brother the exciting news “Today is finally the day, brother! I’m going to be a bouncer!” Excited to see William’s dream come true, his brother followed him to what they both thought would be a slam dunk interview which would result with William being hired immediately.
They arrive at the bar and his brother waits outside as William confidently takes his first steps into his future work place. But wait...
Almost as fast as William had walked in, he dejectedly walked out of the very same bar. “I... I... I just don’t understand...” William uttered quietly as he walked back home.
William’s brother, puzzled, still stands outside the bar racking his brain about what could have possibly happened. He walks into the bar and still sees the “Bouncer wanted” sign. Still confused, William’s brother asks the bartender what happened to the big guy that just left. The bartender replies “I don’t know. The guy didn’t say a word. He walked in, looked around, and left without so much as a peep.”
The brother decides to buy a drink as he ponders this situation. “One beer, please!” As he reaches for payment, he realizes he only has a $50 bill. “Can you break this?” The brother asks. The bartender simply shakes his head and points to the only other sign in the bar:
“NO LARGE BILLS OVER 20 ACCEPTED HERE.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4heh/william_always_wanted_to_be_a_bouncer/
%
I went to the eye doctor today and they said I could see the future

They told me I have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4enp/i_went_to_the_eye_doctor_today_and_they_said_i/
%
Pull out and pray isn't just my preferred method of birth control

It's also how i use my debit card

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4dwq/pull_out_and_pray_isnt_just_my_preferred_method/
%
I confessed to my family I am not actually an electrician.

My sister was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4d4r/i_confessed_to_my_family_i_am_not_actually_an/
%
What did Micheal Jackson do in the bathroom?

He took a pee hee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4cmg/what_did_micheal_jackson_do_in_the_bathroom/
%
Amputees make horrible detectives

The know they are missing something, but they just can’t put their finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br4bja/amputees_make_horrible_detectives/
%
My crush just messaged me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br497i/my_crush_just_messaged_me/
%
What do cheap hotels and tight pants have in common?

No ballroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br422t/what_do_cheap_hotels_and_tight_pants_have_in/
%
Did you know that fertility is hereditary?

Chances are, if your parents didn’t have kids, neither will you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br3zmv/did_you_know_that_fertility_is_hereditary/
%
A man goes into a pet store

In the pet store he asks for something interesting, and the worker brings out a dog
“I don’t want a dog, I want something interesting.” Says the man.
So the worker goes in the back of the store and comes back to the man with a snake.
The man says, “This is interesting, but I want a pet that can do something cool.”
So the worker goes in the back again, and brings out a centipede.
The man says, “A centipede? What can he do?”
The man is astounded when the centipede cleans his cage in 30 seconds.
He says, “Alright, I’ll take him.”
The man takes the centipede home and has him do the dishes, do the laundry, and all sorts of tidying up.
Eventually the man asks the centipede to go to the market to get more beer.
After a half hour, the man becomes worried.
Another half hour passes and the man becomes very nervous.
Another hour passes and the man thinks his pet is dead, but he goes out to look for the centipede.
He opens the garage door, and the centipede is sitting there.
The man says, a little angry, but relieved, “Where were you.”
The centipede says, “Dude, I was tying my shoe.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br3xf2/a_man_goes_into_a_pet_store/
%
All my wife's chickens and fish go to heaven.

Because she cooks the hell out of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br3u4g/all_my_wifes_chickens_and_fish_go_to_heaven/
%
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

\[Credit to Milton Berle\]
\[Credit and many thanks for the gold to an "anonymous redditor," namely u/Blake88fair\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br3t7l/you_can_lead_a_man_to_congress_but_you_cant_make/
%
For the lady who was interested in the STD vaccine, we have it.

May she speak now or forever hold herpes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br3qb4/for_the_lady_who_was_interested_in_the_std/
%
A joke was crossing the street crying...

When asked why crying it said everyone keeps laughing at me..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br3otf/a_joke_was_crossing_the_street_crying/
%
A lost man asked a stranger what's the fastest way to the hospital?

The stranger replied: close your eyes and cross the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br3nbs/a_lost_man_asked_a_stranger_whats_the_fastest_way/
%
If a Swedish clown goes Hjönk, what does a French clown go?

On strike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br3hx5/if_a_swedish_clown_goes_hjönk_what_does_a_french/
%
A Man's wife dies and at the funeral...

He is standing beside the coffin giving a speach about how much he loved her, thinking about all the good times they had together. When he was done he started to walk off, only to notice that he was pitching a tent big enough to house. His family is shocked and they all gasp, to which he replies
"It's just mourning wood"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br3c47/a_mans_wife_dies_and_at_the_funeral/
%
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.

The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed.  The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.  The couple took the new baby home, and there, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br3boy/a_man_took_his_pregnant_wife_to_the_hospital/
%
People keep telling me that I have split-personality disorder.

But that’s just me being frank with you all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br36gv/people_keep_telling_me_that_i_have/
%
A game you shouldn’t play single player?

Russian Roulette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br340p/a_game_you_shouldnt_play_single_player/
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A photon walls into a hotel.

The attendant asks, “Can I take your luggage?”
The photon replies, “No need; I’m traveling light.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br33s2/a_photon_walls_into_a_hotel/
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Why don't you tell rumors in a Botox Clinic?

Nobody raises an eyebrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br2y9y/why_dont_you_tell_rumors_in_a_botox_clinic/
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Why was the proud civil engineer salty?

He received constructive criticism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br2xmi/why_was_the_proud_civil_engineer_salty/
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I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br2xdz/i_spent_hours_trying_to_find_what_the_opposite_of/
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Got pulled over for open container

I asked the cop "if its illegal to drink a beer while you drive then why is there a bottle opener attached to every seat?"
He said: "sir, those are seat belts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br2vn8/got_pulled_over_for_open_container/
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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.
When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread his butt cheeks?” The doctor is confused, but grants the request. Instantly Sven says, “Ah nope. That ain’t Anders.”
The doctor then calls Ole into the room and presents the body. Ole pauses for a moment and says, “Gosh. That sure does look like him...flip ‘em over and spread his butt cheeks.” The doctor obliges again and Ole shakes his head with conviction. “Yeah-No. That ain’t Anders.”
The doctor calls Sven back into the room and says. “Now look here, boys. We know this is Anders and just need a positive I.D. Why are ya both sayin’ this ain’t him?”
Ole looks at Sven, then back to the doctor and says, “Well doc, whenever we was going around as the three of us, folks would always say, ‘Ay here comes Anders with those two assholes.’ And this guy’s only got one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br2auh/sven_and_ole_are_asked_to_identify_a_body_sad_to/
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A pensioner drove his new Mercedes to 100mph...

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br28bs/a_pensioner_drove_his_new_mercedes_to_100mph/
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What do dogs and trees share most in common?

They both come with bark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br26v8/what_do_dogs_and_trees_share_most_in_common/
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I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br24ra/i_went_on_a_blind_date_where_her_online_profile/
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I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br240v/i_decided_to_use_my_knife_to_save_ammo/
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Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...

.. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br23ne/ladies_if_theres_a_man_who_remembers_your/
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A man is taking an eye exam, but is terrified of letters

During the eye exam, the doctor asks him to cover one eye and read out all the letters from top to bottom.
Man: I can't, I am terribly afraid of random letters.
Doctor: You are?
Man: [Screams]
Doctor: Oh, I see..
Man: [Screams louder]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br20rl/a_man_is_taking_an_eye_exam_but_is_terrified_of/
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I don’t like people who take drugs

For example: Airport security

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br1z6h/i_dont_like_people_who_take_drugs/
%
A guy walks into a bar

He saw a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. She slinks over and leans over the bar, revealing her ample cleavage.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br1tw2/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why does Thor iron his cloak?

Because he knows what a crisp hem's worth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br1q53/why_does_thor_iron_his_cloak/
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Do you think Dante meant for his work to be taken literally?

Or do you think he meant it as an Alighieri?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br1jk4/do_you_think_dante_meant_for_his_work_to_be_taken/
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I’m going to sell my theremin,

I haven’t touched it in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br11an/im_going_to_sell_my_theremin/
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From a Friend

Thanos: any last words insect?
Ant-Man: Yes ugly! spell me
Thanos: M-E
Ant-Man: You forgot the "u"
Thanos: There is no "u" in "me"
Ant-Man: Not yet there isn't
\*shrinks\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br0xhv/from_a_friend/
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I was doing an adult sex crossword and I said to my wife,

"Female gland to be stimulated for pleasure, can't think of that one."
"I know," she replied, "I'll bet it's not even on the tip of your tongue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br0xf4/i_was_doing_an_adult_sex_crossword_and_i_said_to/
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What do you call Thor's underwear?

His ass guardian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br0the/what_do_you_call_thors_underwear/
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My diabetic friend had a serious emergency last night.

My bad.
I shouldn't have texted her "Goodnight, sweet dreams" before going to bed yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br0r6t/my_diabetic_friend_had_a_serious_emergency_last/
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What's common between sex and the military?

It's the privates who do all the work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br0mku/whats_common_between_sex_and_the_military/
%
So how did you escape Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br0jnl/so_how_did_you_escape_iraq/
%
I spent all night wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br0hwy/i_spent_all_night_wondering_where_the_sun_went/
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I'm writing an autobiography

I'm planning to kill off the main character though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br0bat/im_writing_an_autobiography/
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Last night I had sex with an orphan that has cancer.

Well, technically he has AIDS now too.
[My buddy just challenged me to come with the most fucked up joke I could think of in 5 minutes. This was it.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br0axn/last_night_i_had_sex_with_an_orphan_that_has/
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To the guy who invented the number zero

Thanks for nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br09m3/to_the_guy_who_invented_the_number_zero/
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I recently started dating an archaeologist.

It just goes to show that they will date anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br09h3/i_recently_started_dating_an_archaeologist/
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Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br08q8/trump_is_reportedly_upset_that_the_ukraine_just/
%
Two Alcoholics gets in a bar fight

He lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br082r/two_alcoholics_gets_in_a_bar_fight/
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What do I know about Peter Dinklage?

Very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br03mw/what_do_i_know_about_peter_dinklage/
%
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.

Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br02fw/two_men_are_approaching_each_other_on_a_sidewalk/
%
I wonder if colorblind people

Read colorado as just "ado"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/br00qy/i_wonder_if_colorblind_people/
%
When I got home my entire house was filled with stringed instruments so I called 911.

The police said it was the worst case of Domestic Violins they had ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqzzd8/when_i_got_home_my_entire_house_was_filled_with/
%
What do you call a burning Jacket?

A blazer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqzwy8/what_do_you_call_a_burning_jacket/
%
A meteorite fell in my backyard this morning.

It just... came out of the blue!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqzutb/a_meteorite_fell_in_my_backyard_this_morning/
%
An American general, a British general, and an Israeli general are out at sea. They're having a debate on which country's soldiers are the bravest.

The American general says: "My soldiers are the bravest. Watch this." He calls one of the soldiers and ties his hands, straps a heavy load on his back and instructs him to swim around the ship twice in shark infested waters. The soldier obediently jumps in the water, swims around twice and comes back.
The British general says: "Oh, my soldiers are even braver. Watch this." He calls one of the soldiers and ties his hands AND FEET, straps a heavy load on his back and instructs him to swim around the ship twice in shark infested waters. The soldier obediently jumps in the water, swims around twice and comes back.
The Israeli general says: "Mine are even braver than that. Watch this." He calls one of the soldiers and ties his hands AND FEET, straps a heavy load on his back and instructs him to swim around the ship twice in shark infested waters. The soldier replies "No way! You're tying my hands and feet, loading a heavy weight on me, and want me to swim in shark infested waters? I'll die in there!".
The general then turns to the American and British generals and says: "See? No country's soldiers talk to their general like that. Mine are the bravest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqztfo/an_american_general_a_british_general_and_an/
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I found striking similarities with my car and my girlfriend

Both don't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqzsyj/i_found_striking_similarities_with_my_car_and_my/
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I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

I now live in constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqzria/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
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So I snore.

And apparently it’s loud enough to scare everyone in the car that I’m driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqzofd/so_i_snore/
%
The only thing weirder than finding out your father has a second family is...

... finding out that you are the second family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqzjl2/the_only_thing_weirder_than_finding_out_your/
%
I made a group for rocket scientists once

It really took off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqzi1v/i_made_a_group_for_rocket_scientists_once/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me , so I stole her wheel chair

Guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqze2s/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_stole_her/
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I enjoy working with waiters

they bring a lot to the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqz33a/i_enjoy_working_with_waiters/
%
So I drove to Alabama and there was a welcome sign

It said:
Welcome to Alabama and remember,
you can't spell cousin without sin.
Enjoy your stay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqywhp/so_i_drove_to_alabama_and_there_was_a_welcome_sign/
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I killed some one with some weed.

One could say it was blunt force trauma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqyut2/i_killed_some_one_with_some_weed/
%
I'm not saying it's too long since I got laid,

but this morning there was a bottle of extra virgin olive oil in the food cupboard, and now there's just a bottle of olive oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqyt82/im_not_saying_its_too_long_since_i_got_laid/
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Why was the dyslexic kid kicked out of the movie theater?

He kept asking where to buy cop porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqyrov/why_was_the_dyslexic_kid_kicked_out_of_the_movie/
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What is a bee’s favorite news source?

CNN. They hate Buzzfeed too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqyqp7/what_is_a_bees_favorite_news_source/
%
"Sorry Moses, but you can't join Greenpeace..."

"...We're a non-prophet organization."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqyqh6/sorry_moses_but_you_cant_join_greenpeace/
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In my family it's traditional to have a Christmas jumper

and it's my job to talk them down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqyqgk/in_my_family_its_traditional_to_have_a_christmas/
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How do you comfort a grammar nazi?

You pat them on the back and say there, their, they’re.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqymb2/how_do_you_comfort_a_grammar_nazi/
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Do you know why birds sing in the morning?

Because they don’t have to go to work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqykhp/do_you_know_why_birds_sing_in_the_morning/
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If Bill Gates and Elon Musk created a brand of viagra what would it be called?

ElonGates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqyk24/if_bill_gates_and_elon_musk_created_a_brand_of/
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From my 11yo son: "What's a pizza's favorite number?"

One Sicillion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqyajf/from_my_11yo_son_whats_a_pizzas_favorite_number/
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A guy had his car stolen

In the morning, he went to report the incident, then continued to his  work. He came back at night to find the car parked in his driveway, with a note: "Sorry i had to borrow your car because my wife was in labor and i had to use it to take her to emergency. Please accept my sincerest apologies and, as a thank you, these enclosed tickets for you and your whole family to attend tonight's Premiere of the new Star Wars film." The man was relieved to find his car returned unscathed, and to celebrate, he took his family to the Premiere. He came back at night to find that his house was broken into and all of his wife's jewelry were stolen. The robber left a note that said "how  was the movie?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqy58h/a_guy_had_his_car_stolen/
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What is the opposite of Microsoft Office?

Megahard onfire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqy2qh/what_is_the_opposite_of_microsoft_office/
%
A man is stood in the 10 items or less shopping checkout.

The girl in front of him turns around and looks in his basket. He has a 4 pack of beer and an indian meal for 1.
She smiles at him.
He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for 1.
He says to her " You're single aren't you"?
She gives a girly giggle and says "Yes, how can you tell"?
He replies "Cause you're an ugly bastard".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqxvbg/a_man_is_stood_in_the_10_items_or_less_shopping/
%
I hate people who take drugs

For example: airport security

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqxqe4/i_hate_people_who_take_drugs/
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A fella buys a talking centipede for £5,000

He takes it home in small box.
After 30 mins he opens the box and says "Would you like to go for a pint".
The centipede doesn't answer... Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.
Getting angry, thinking he's been done, he shouts the question loudly.
At which the centipede sticks his head out of his box and says
"l heard you the 1st time I’m putting my fucking shoes on".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqxq4t/a_fella_buys_a_talking_centipede_for_5000/
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[NSFW] How Bill Clinton tricked Monica Lewinsky...

Clinton asked Lewinsky if she wanted to see the presidential clock and she replied yes.
So she followed him into the Oval Office and he turned around with his dick out and she said “Bill you nasty thing, that’s not a clock!”
Bill replied “It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqxlph/nsfw_how_bill_clinton_tricked_monica_lewinsky/
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The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads "Please use toilet brush after using the toilet."

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqxlia/the_bathroom_door_at_my_workplace_has_a_sign_that/
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Today is my 32nd birthday...

I am only celebrating for half a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqxlbe/today_is_my_32nd_birthday/
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How did captain hook die?

He used the wrong hand when wiping his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqx9cq/how_did_captain_hook_die/
%
A string walks into a bar.

The bartender says we don't serve your kind here.
The string leaves and he twists himself up, parts his hair, and comes back.
The bartender asks "Aren't you the same rope from before?"
The rope replies I'm a frayed not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqx3gm/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why’d the momma pepper put a jacket on her baby?

Because he was a little chili

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqwvuf/whyd_the_momma_pepper_put_a_jacket_on_her_baby/
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What did AOL say to the man about his new bride from Thailand?

You've got male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqwvqn/what_did_aol_say_to_the_man_about_his_new_bride/
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Warning: Game of Thrones spoilers.

David Benioff and D.B. Weiss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqwvf8/warning_game_of_thrones_spoilers/
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After my prostrate exam

The doctor left the room. The nurse walks in, and whispers to me the words no man wants to hear.
“Who was that man?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqwtip/after_my_prostrate_exam/
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Parking officers funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the parking officers funeral, A voice from inside screams " I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"
The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air in through his teeth and mutters
"Too fucking late pal, already done the paperwork."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqwkrk/parking_officers_funeral/
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A woman dies and goes to heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.   She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.  Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"   The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.   The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma" there woman looks at him and asks "can't I just repost?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqwkcs/a_woman_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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A milkshake was thrown at Jeremy Corbyn today

It's lactose versus intolerance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqwavv/a_milkshake_was_thrown_at_jeremy_corbyn_today/
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In America dogs are K9.

In China dogs are E10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqw5xh/in_america_dogs_are_k9/
%
Trump Keeps claiming that climate change is a hoax and that his administration has done the most for global warming, and that the USA is getting colder

But that’s because he doesn’t understand what the media means when they say:
“Donald Trump is the most **Polarizing** President America has had since Nixon.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqvx2f/trump_keeps_claiming_that_climate_change_is_a/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqvu7p/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqvtpc/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
What do you call a nose with no body?

Nobody knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqvrhe/what_do_you_call_a_nose_with_no_body/
%
Whoever invented knock knock jokes

should be awarded a No-bell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqvm4c/whoever_invented_knock_knock_jokes/
%
Why wasn’t the joke about Jonestown funny?

The punchline was too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqvjjh/why_wasnt_the_joke_about_jonestown_funny/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. They’re efficient and don’t have a sense of humor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqvcmb/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What did the struggling, single mother get for Christmas?

An eviction notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqvbud/what_did_the_struggling_single_mother_get_for/
%
My friend used my to-do-list as a wrap for his blunt

He was high on my list of priorities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqv4f8/my_friend_used_my_todolist_as_a_wrap_for_his_blunt/
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A man goes into the doctor ..

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqv35k/a_man_goes_into_the_doctor/
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Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.

***Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.***
***Madame: What can we do for you?***
***Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.***
***Madame: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?***
***Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey...***
***Madame: And what about the third wish?***
***Tyrion: Well... she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee.***
***Madame: Well that one's not so bad eh?***
***Tyrion: Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqv1kq/tyrion_walks_into_a_brothel_with_a_honeycomb_and/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bquvew/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
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Sports commentators are the least gullible people in the world

They never seem to believe anything that happens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bquswi/sports_commentators_are_the_least_gullible_people/
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My girlfriend got upset when I said she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently it's harsh to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqurui/my_girlfriend_got_upset_when_i_said_shed_look/
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My dad is a magician

Everytime he brings out his belt i disappear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqur96/my_dad_is_a_magician/
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I decided to take my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's and she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bquqpj/i_decided_to_take_my_daughter_out_for_her_first/
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Jigglypuff: uses Sing

Ash: It’s super effective! it’s making Mew sick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqupop/jigglypuff_uses_sing/
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How does dark Vader like his toast

On the dark side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqup18/how_does_dark_vader_like_his_toast/
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I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bquo0x/i_dont_understand_time_zones/
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It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the cast of a new Reality TV show called “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Four, to be exact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqulag/it_took_a_lot_of_balls_for_my_friend_to_join_the/
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Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in the crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bquix6/why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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What does a fish say when it hits a wall

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bquh5g/what_does_a_fish_say_when_it_hits_a_wall/
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What’s another name for a zipper?

A penis flytrap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bquf06/whats_another_name_for_a_zipper/
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Why will the Moon replace YouTube

It has lots of big craters
This joke brought to you by my girlfriend, you wouldn't know her, she goes to a different school .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bquczo/why_will_the_moon_replace_youtube/
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Sex at camp

Would be fucking intents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bquafe/sex_at_camp/
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Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

He fingered A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqu5x5/why_did_the_guitar_teacher_get_arrested/
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No one wants to carry large windows around

It's a pane in the glass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqu5ux/no_one_wants_to_carry_large_windows_around/
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Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes

because there is no delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqu4kd/any_joke_can_be_funny_with_the_right_delivery/
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A ghost walked into a bar.

The bartender asks, 'Wow, a ghost? What are you doing here?'
To what the ghost replied, 'I'm here for the BOOs!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqu49d/a_ghost_walked_into_a_bar/
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why did the octopus defeat the shark?

because it was well armed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqtzs9/why_did_the_octopus_defeat_the_shark/
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Phones are like infants;

The more you drop them the slower they get.
Credit: u/IdStillSmash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqtz4h/phones_are_like_infants/
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An man sets his old hot water tank out as garbage.

The next morning the garbage men ignore it. So the next week he sets it out again but in front on his bins this time. The garbage men grab the trash behind it and leave the hot water tank. The next week he puts a sign on it that says "Take this". So the garbage men take the sign and leave the tank. No knowing what to do he leaves the tank on the curb and puts another sign on the tank. This one says "For Sale" the next morning he looks out and realizes that someone stole his ho water tank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqtxlb/an_man_sets_his_old_hot_water_tank_out_as_garbage/
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A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.

Madame: What can we do for you?
Dwarf: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.
Madame: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?
Dwarf: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey...
Madame: And what about the third wish?
Dwarf: Well... she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee.
Madame: Well that one's not so bad eh?
Dwarf: Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqtoqo/a_dwarf_walks_into_a_brothel_with_a_honeycomb_and/
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The pope is travelling through Canada...

...watching the wonderful landscape flying by as his chauffeur drives him across the seemingly endless roads through the wilderness.
Eventually though, he grows bored and asks his chauffeur if he can drive for a bit.
"Listen", the pope says, "I'll drive for an hour, nobody will see. You can take a nap in the back, enjoy yourself, and nobody will ever know."
After a bit of pondering, the chauffeur accepts, gives the pope a quick rundown how to operate the car and gets some shut-eye on the backseat.
The pope, meanwhile, puts the pedal to the metal. The car has the muscle to go over 70mph easily and as luck wills it, he gets stopped by a police officer, probably the only one around for miles.
The officer approaches the car and looks at the pope. He shakes his head, looks again, then tells the pope to kindly wait as he calls his superior.
"Chief, there's... uhm... A bit of a tough situation..."
"Oh, come on, you're on traffic duty, how hard can it be?"
"I just stopped a very, VERY famous and important person, so I don't know if I can give him a ticket for speeding."
"For god's sake, even if it's the Prime Minister himself, he has to obey the law. Who is the person you're talking about, anyway?"
"Frankly, I've got no idea, but he's got the pope as his chauffeur."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqto4e/the_pope_is_travelling_through_canada/
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How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqteip/how_many_got_plot_writers_does_it_take_to_change/
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture

I have a hunch, it might be me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqt7hf/my_boss_is_going_to_fire_the_employee_with_the/
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My Grandfather witnessed what was about to happen to the Titanic firsthand.

He screamed and yelled trying to alert everyone of what was about to happen.
He yelled three more times until it finally happened.
They kicked him out of the theater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqt74k/my_grandfather_witnessed_what_was_about_to_happen/
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I was raised as an only child

that really pissed off my brother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqt10a/i_was_raised_as_an_only_child/
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Not every Muslim is a terrorist...

Only 9 / 11 are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqsyb2/not_every_muslim_is_a_terrorist/
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The company sent my department on a work trip

The last night before heading back home, we decided to play a prank to one of our colleges - we put a pack of condoms in his suitcase. When he got home, his wife started unpacking his stuff, and found our "gift". Without skipping a beat, he explained: "We were all given pack of condoms when we arrived, I just haven't used mine!". Joke is on us now: our wives keep asking us "Where are yours?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqsxwu/the_company_sent_my_department_on_a_work_trip/
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Just came up with this. Will be heartbroken if it exists

I walked into a brothel last week, the madame looked me up and down and asked if I liked femdom. Boy, she had me pegged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqsw69/just_came_up_with_this_will_be_heartbroken_if_it/
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I went to a hypnotist show last night.

And i really felt sorry for him. He hypnotized 7 guys, then he dropped his mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqsswe/i_went_to_a_hypnotist_show_last_night/
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What did Cinderella say when she reached the ball?

*gagging noises*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqslq7/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_reached_the_ball/
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What's the best part about dating a short cleaning lady?

They're low maintenance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqskn3/whats_the_best_part_about_dating_a_short_cleaning/
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What did the Buddhist say to the man at the pizza shop?

"Make me one with everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqsips/what_did_the_buddhist_say_to_the_man_at_the_pizza/
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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with passing gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much..."

"It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know because it doesn't smell and it's silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the old lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me but now my passing gas... although it's still silent, it stinks terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll get to work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqsdvk/a_little_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says/
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Slept like a baby last night

Woke up at 2am with poop in my PJ's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqs5y6/slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
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Officer: How high are you?

Me: No officer, it's "Hi, how are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqs3fn/officer_how_high_are_you/
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A girl and a boy who happens to be her friend were having a chat on phone..

Girl: Okay. Btw I have a question
Boy: Ask
Girl: What are we?
Boy: Mammals
Girl: No, I mean me and you who are we?
Boy: Two mammals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqs1mb/a_girl_and_a_boy_who_happens_to_be_her_friend/
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A pirate told me to jump off his ship

I told him I'd sea myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqs15v/a_pirate_told_me_to_jump_off_his_ship/
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APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

I refer to the recent death of the Technical Manager at your company and hereby apply for the replacement of the deceased manager.
Each time I apply for a job, I get a reply that there is no vacancy but in this case I have caught you red-handed and you have no excuse because I even attended his funeral to be sure that he was truly dead and buried before applying.
Attached to my letter is a copy of my CV and his death certificate........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqryfw/application_for_employment/
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My jokes are like anti vax kids

They never make it past new

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqrurl/my_jokes_are_like_anti_vax_kids/
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Two Nuns Are Riding Bikes On A Cobble Stone Street

The first nun says to the second nun, "I've never come this way before." And the second nun says, "It's probably the cobble stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqrrpc/two_nuns_are_riding_bikes_on_a_cobble_stone_street/
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Why is Santa’s sack so big

He only cums once per year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqrjvv/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
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Where do Gynecologists get their training?

Private school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqrh04/where_do_gynecologists_get_their_training/
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You shouldn't make fun of short people

They belittle themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqrfkq/you_shouldnt_make_fun_of_short_people/
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I Can't wait for the Minecraft movie

It's going to be a blockbuster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqrcrj/i_cant_wait_for_the_minecraft_movie/
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When do you know the government is female?

When it's in Labour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqr9f7/when_do_you_know_the_government_is_female/
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I recently went to a coin factory...

I was in awe at all of the machines and moving parts that filled the factory. At first, I didn't understand what was happening, but then it dawned on me. It all makes cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqr8ny/i_recently_went_to_a_coin_factory/
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I would tell you an economics joke

But there isnt enough demand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqr6hm/i_would_tell_you_an_economics_joke/
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What do you call a camel with only one hump?

A canel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqr3mt/what_do_you_call_a_camel_with_only_one_hump/
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[SPOILER ALERT]

Jesus dies at the end of bible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqqwxs/spoiler_alert/
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What did Captain Picard say to the quilting machine repairman?

Make it sew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqqund/what_did_captain_picard_say_to_the_quilting/
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I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel...

I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel. The Madame asked, "what can we do for you?"
I said, "I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me."
The Madame asked "You poor thing; whatever for? And why do you have a jackass and a honeycomb?"
"Well," I answered, "my woman stumbled upon a genie in a bottle, and he granted her 3 wishes. The first was to have the nicest ass in the land, so he gave her this jackass. Her second wish was for a 'house fit for a queen', so he gave her this beehive."
The Madame asked, "And what of the third wish?"
"For her third wish, my woman asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee."
"Well, that one's not so bad!" the Madame exclaimed.
"'Not so bad!?', I replied, "I used to be 6 feet tall!"
\- Tyrion "the Imp" Lannister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqqnyf/i_once_brought_a_jackass_and_a_honeycomb_into_a/
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HER: come home

HIM: can't i am arrested for double homicide
HER: my parents aren't home
HIM: about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqqmi7/her_come_home/
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Have you ever tried eating a clock,

Because its very time-consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqqlsk/have_you_ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
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I went to a zoo today

And it only had one animal
It was a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqqk8i/i_went_to_a_zoo_today/
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The best conversations,

Begin with a con.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqqjnu/the_best_conversations/
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People say I’m addicted to the hokey pokey

But I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqqjjm/people_say_im_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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I had an art contest with my friend.

It ended in a draw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqqchn/i_had_an_art_contest_with_my_friend/
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What if you get to heaven and God says...

"Hey, you're finally awake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqq788/what_if_you_get_to_heaven_and_god_says/
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Who’s Jon Snow’s favorite character from “Cars”?

Lightning MuhQueen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqq5dd/whos_jon_snows_favorite_character_from_cars/
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I came to a realization...

I have a fetish for discovering new things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqq57b/i_came_to_a_realization/
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What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqq3as/whats_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
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Unpopular Opinion

I liked tonight's episode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqq1z0/unpopular_opinion/
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How many immature people does it take to change a light bulb?

Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqpxm0/how_many_immature_people_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqpwy9/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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What's in the west of Westeros?

Westestos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqpv95/whats_in_the_west_of_westeros/
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Sex burns 3.6 calories a minute.

On average, I burn 1.8 calories everytime I have sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqpusr/sex_burns_36_calories_a_minute/
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How do you know when your boyfriend is getting fat?

When he fits in your husband’s clothes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqpsy6/how_do_you_know_when_your_boyfriend_is_getting_fat/
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"Lord of the Rings" had a better ending that "Game of Thrones"

I guess that's what happens when the author writes it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqpss5/lord_of_the_rings_had_a_better_ending_that_game/
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The thing about virgins is...

They don’t give a fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqpqyd/the_thing_about_virgins_is/
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A mathematician arrived home drunk at 3AM.

His wife was waiting for him.
"You said you'd be back by 11:45!" she screamed.
The mathematician replied, "No, I said I'd be back at a quarter of 12."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqpoeh/a_mathematician_arrived_home_drunk_at_3am/
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What's the difference between an onion and a whore?

I don't cry when I'm chopping up a whore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqpeix/whats_the_difference_between_an_onion_and_a_whore/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqpck6/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/
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NSFW Where do prostitutes go to college?

Fuck U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqp5un/nsfw_where_do_prostitutes_go_to_college/
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I got in an accident today.

So I was on my way to work, and driving absent mindedly. I ended up just tapping the bumper of the guy in front of me.
So I get out to do the right thing and make sure the guy is ok. When all the sudden his door swings wide open and he jumps out screaming at me! I was a little shocked because he was a dwarf and it's not something you see every day.
I ask him "Sir are you Ok? "
He replies "Well I'm not Happy!"
I ask " So which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqp5hm/i_got_in_an_accident_today/
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They say making hay is difficult...

I don't know, it seems rather cut and dried...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqp4qj/they_say_making_hay_is_difficult/
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John Cena is admitted to the Intensive Care Unit after losing consciousness

After waking up, he asks the doctor "Where am I?"
The doctor responds "The ICU"
John says "No you can't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqp3kk/john_cena_is_admitted_to_the_intensive_care_unit/
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Why did the computer need to take viagra?

It had a floppy disk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqp1dh/why_did_the_computer_need_to_take_viagra/
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A man owns a factory with his wife

Everything's running smoothly, production is typical.
And then the factory explodes.
"This is bad," his wife says, "We have to get this factory rebuilt. We have to get production back on schedule. How long is it going take?"
The man pores over the papers for a moment, types some numbers into a calculator, and then looks back at his wife. "It's not looking good. It'll probably take around 6 months." His wife isn't happy about it, but there's nothing she can do.
The factory is up and running six months later and his marriage is doing better than ever. About two months later, he and his wife are enjoying a nice dinner when he gets a call. He excuses himself to take it.
The factory blew up again. This time, worse than the first.
He breaks the news to his wife, and she's rightfully annoyed. "Well how long is it going to take this time?", she asks impatiently.
"Going off their estimate, what with clearing the rubble and whatnot, it sounds like it'll take 7 months." His wife is quite annoyed, but bites her tongue.
Seven months later, the factory is up and running at record efficiency. The next day, the man and his wife are renewing their vows in Comoros when he gets a call.
The factory blew up again.
"Goddammit!", his wife shouts when she hears the news. "Let me guess, it's going to take 8 months to fix?" The man nods gravely.
"What the hell?", she asks indignantly. "Why does it always take so long for you to get it up again?"
"Look," he says, already calling contractors to start the rebuilding process, "there's nothing I can do about my refactory period."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqp0yw/a_man_owns_a_factory_with_his_wife/
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A five year old girl went to work with her Dad on "Take your kid to work day"

As the girl and her Dad were walking around the office the young girl began to get very cranky and started crying.  As the staff was gathering around the poor girl, her father asked her what was wrong, she sobbed loudly "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqoz5z/a_five_year_old_girl_went_to_work_with_her_dad_on/
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Did you hear about the gang of thieves that systematically shoplifts clothes in size order?

The police say they are still at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqoytn/did_you_hear_about_the_gang_of_thieves_that/
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O Dick NSFW, Long

A recently married soldier was coming up on the end of his leave. Although things between him and his new wife were wonderful, he worried about her loyalty while he was gone. Resolved to find her something that would occupy her time and satisfy her until he could return home, the man went into a nearby sex store and asked about martial aids for his wife. After being shown toy after toy, he said that he didn't think any of them would do the trick. He told the shop owner he needed something special.
The shop owner showed him more expensive toys and creams, but the soldier turned them all down. He outlined his problem to the owner and with a knowing look in his eye he told the soldier that he may have exactly what he needed. He warned the soldier that what he was about to show him was far beyond anything he had ever seen before and it was the only one in existence that he knew of.
The soldier, intrigued, asked to see what the shop owner had. Pulling a wooden box from under the counter, the man said that his solution was magic. The owner pulled the box top off with a flourish to reveal what appeared to be an average-sized didlo. Shaking his head, the soldier said that he didn't think this plain toy would be the thing that kept his wife away from other men.
"Ah but that's where the magic comes in," said the store owner."You simply say 'O Dick' and what you want it to fuck and and it will. "
Confused, the soldier considered the possibility for a moment. Slowly, he said "and I'm betting that a magical dildo would fetch a high price, it being the only one in existence and all."
The shop owner was not phased and offered the soldier a deal. He encouraged the young man to write a check out to him dated for whenever he would return home. If O Dick had failed him, he could simply stop the check or return the dildo if he found it indeed had no magical properties. With a wink, the shop owner said "but I don't think your wife will let you return it. And really, what is the cost of her loyalty?"
Happy with the deal, the soldier made his way home with the package. Later that night, he showed his wife what he had bought and relayed the entire conversation to her. Skeptically, the wife accepted the gift and vowed that she would use it to remain loyal to him if she had urges while he was away.
The next week, the soldier left. A week after that, the wife's lonliness began to become too much to bear. Remembering her promise to her husband, she went to the closet and got out the box that sheltered O Dick. Feeling a little silly, she undressed and laid the dildo on the bed. After a few moments, she said "O Dick my pussy."
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, the dildo flew into her and pleasured her in a way no other toy had. After multiple orgasms, she began to feel tired. She said "O Dick stop." But nothing happened.
Frantically, the wife shouted out a number of commands, none of which O Dick followed. Beginning to become afraid, the wife decided that her best bet was to go to the hospital. As embarrassing as the situation was, she didn't know how to deal with an enchanted object and hoped someone else would.
Dressing as well as she could in loose shorts as O Dick continued its pleasant assault, the wife managed to hobble out to her car. Once on the road, driving well over the speed limit, she passed through stop signs and red lights. Luck was on her side as she only received angry honks and the screeching of tires as other cars swerved to avoid her.
Then she saw lights behind her twinkling blue and red. Knowing she would be in more trouble if she didn't stop, the wife pulled over onto the shoulder. A tall, gruff officer approached her window. Obviously angry, he asked what she thought she was doing. The wife looked pleadingly at the officer and took a big breath. She told him everything. What her husband had told her, the magical dildo, how she was trying so hard to stay faithful, and the predicament that sent her rushing to the ER.
With a tight look on his face, the officer sighed. Knowing he didn't believe her, the wife felt like she might cry. The officer looked her straight in the eye and said sarcastically, "O Dick my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqouxb/o_dick_nsfw_long/
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What did the unstable cabinet say to his friends?

“I need you to save me from my shelf.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqot5a/what_did_the_unstable_cabinet_say_to_his_friends/
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Three dinosaurs found a magic lamp

They rubbed it and out came a genie.
"What do you wish, my esteemed dinosaurs?"
"Meat" growled the first one. "I want meat."
"You wish is my command". There was meat.
"And what do you wish for?"
"I want MORE meat. I want it to rain meat!"
"You wish is my command". Meat rained from the heavens. It was showering meat everywhere.
"And what do you wish for?"
"I want MORE. I want a MEATIER SHOWER!"
"You wish is my command". ...
And that's how the dinosaurs went extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqosbj/three_dinosaurs_found_a_magic_lamp/
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I just got back from Asia...

And now I’m disoriented.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqok5c/i_just_got_back_from_asia/
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How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

Look for the Fresh Prints!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqohnq/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_a_snow_storm/
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Two nuns are driving down a road...

Two nuns are driving down a road, when a drunken man jumps out and sprawls himself over the front of their car. One nun says to the other,
"Go out and show him your cross."
So she gets out, "Get off our fucking car!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqoe5c/two_nuns_are_driving_down_a_road/
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My parents tried to get me aborted

But the doctor said 18 years was too late

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqodir/my_parents_tried_to_get_me_aborted/
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A man walkes into a bar and orders 10 shots of Jack

The bartender asked the man "you waitin on some friends or what" as he pours up the shots.
"No my friend, these are all for me" he says and begins downing the shots one after another.
The bartender is shocked and asks "why take so many shots and so quick like that?"
The man says, "well, I just expirienced my first blowjob."
The bartender smiles and says "that's great, congratulations..here, have one on the house."
Before he can pour the shot, the man puts up his hand to stop him and says "oh, no thank you, if ten shots can't get rid of this taste, I doubt the eleventh will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqod5z/a_man_walkes_into_a_bar_and_orders_10_shots_of/
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John Wick walks into a bar

He walks out with a bloody pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqocfr/john_wick_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's Barack Obama's favorite song?

Obamaself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqobzs/whats_barack_obamas_favorite_song/
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Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqo9vd/which_days_are_the_strongest/
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Smartass Student

Teacher to Student: Can you use the word "harassment" in a sentence?
Student: "Her ass meant" a lot to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqo8w8/smartass_student/
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I’m a paranoid Schizophrenic

But you already knew that, didn’t you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqo8my/im_a_paranoid_schizophrenic/
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A small church had

a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
But she warned Linda not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the priest climbed into the pulpit and said,
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqo3h6/a_small_church_had/
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Im into both men and women but I’ve been single all my life.

Guess I’m just destined to be all bi-myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqo1ae/im_into_both_men_and_women_but_ive_been_single/
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I won a lifetime supply of cyanide pills

I only got one though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqnxxa/i_won_a_lifetime_supply_of_cyanide_pills/
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First born kids are like pancakes....

The first one is always a little weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqnvcy/first_born_kids_are_like_pancakes/
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What’s the one place in school where it’s not weird to get a boner

Wood shop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqnrt4/whats_the_one_place_in_school_where_its_not_weird/
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What do lawyers eat for a snack?

Trial mix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqnowy/what_do_lawyers_eat_for_a_snack/
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Why did the politician cross the road?

Well actually he hasn’t yet, but he says he will Very soon now and he promises that when he does...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqnhb5/why_did_the_politician_cross_the_road/
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Joke from my 8 year old grandson

What do you call a Jamaican finger in your belly?
Poke, mon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqnfwe/joke_from_my_8_year_old_grandson/
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What do you call a masterbating cow?

Beef Stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqnef5/what_do_you_call_a_masterbating_cow/
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What do you call a startup male pornstar?

Up and coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqnbt5/what_do_you_call_a_startup_male_pornstar/
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I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqnawp/i_recently_entered_a_competition_to_see_who_had/
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Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Because her parents were in a jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqn7er/why_was_the_baby_strawberry_crying/
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Not to sound racist, but....

...everyone in the KKK looks the same to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqn6mq/not_to_sound_racist_but/
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Have you heard about the smallest bear in the world?

They say his size is the bear minimum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqn6b4/have_you_heard_about_the_smallest_bear_in_the/
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While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqn53f/while_reading_an_article_about_fathers_and_sons/
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I love laying naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace.

But apparently there are rules against this at cracker barrel... -_-
::sigh:: foiled again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqn4hp/i_love_laying_naked_on_a_bear_skin_rug_in_front/
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I didn’t get any sleep last night...

because I was trying to remember if I had amnesia or insomnia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqn3uw/i_didnt_get_any_sleep_last_night/
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Nostalgia these days...

It’s not like it used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqn32u/nostalgia_these_days/
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Time flies when you name your bird after seasoning.

I am aware that the correct spelling is thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqn2om/time_flies_when_you_name_your_bird_after_seasoning/
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Why wasn't Thanos picked for jury duty?

Because he makes snappy judgements!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqmws1/why_wasnt_thanos_picked_for_jury_duty/
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No matter how far you push the envelope...

It always remain stationery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqmwkg/no_matter_how_far_you_push_the_envelope/
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What do you call a madman who destroys a trillion bytes of data?

A Teraist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqmw64/what_do_you_call_a_madman_who_destroys_a_trillion/
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Can you believe people boycott businesses for being gender biased?

Yet won't even consider a girlcott.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqmq67/can_you_believe_people_boycott_businesses_for/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqmo71/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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A blind man walked into a Bar.

And a Table. And a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqmnc4/a_blind_man_walked_into_a_bar/
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Two hunters are out in the woods,

when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqml6w/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods/
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Two gay men, Dave and Bob are traveling on a plane.

"What if we had sex?" Asks Dave.
"Here, one the plane? Are you crazy? Everyone would be watching us doing it, it'll be awkward."
"Nobody is paying attention to anything. Look!"
Dave stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody paid attention, everyone is busy minding their own business.
"They wouldn't really care, would they?" Says Bob.
So Dave and Bob have intense sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and people are leaving, a stewardess sees an old man with his shirt and pant soaked up in his own vomit.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" Said the stewardess to the old man."
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A couple of rows ahead of me, I saw a man asking for pencil and he got fucked right in the ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqmkm6/two_gay_men_dave_and_bob_are_traveling_on_a_plane/
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My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

That's where I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqmkhv/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
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Why did the grape kill itself?

It had no raisin to live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqmjvg/why_did_the_grape_kill_itself/
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The Darkest Joke I Know

A boy is blind from the day he is born, Never knowing his mothers face never knowing colors and never knowing anything except what he can feel, smell, hear, or touch.
One night the boy is in his bedroom when his mother comes in and sits down on the bed beside him, she says "Sweetie I have some very good news for you" Tonight is a very special night, for tomorrow is a very special day,
The mother explains to her son that if he gets down on his knees and prays to God as hard as he can and truly believes in what he is praying then in the morning when he wakes up for the first time he will finally be able to see!
The boy is immediately excited and instantly gets on his knees and prays to God as hard as he can, he prays and prays for hours as long as he can until his body can no longer take it and he falls fast asleep, the next morning the boy awakes and to his pure horror he lets out a terrifying scream, his mother quickly runs into the room to her son and says "Baby what's the matter!"
The boy cries "Mommy it didn't work!" I prayed as long and as hard as I possibly could but I still can't see, the boys mother approaches her son puts her arm around his shoulder and says
April Fools Dumbass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqmheh/the_darkest_joke_i_know/
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Why are vaccinated kids more likely to have autism?

Because the ones that aren't are dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqmekp/why_are_vaccinated_kids_more_likely_to_have_autism/
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Last Request

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqmcc9/last_request/
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Jesus at the last supper

Jesus speaks to his apostles during the last supper and says, "One of you will betray me."
John turns to Jesus with fear in his eyes and asks, "Will it be me? Will I betray you lord?" Jesus smiles kindly at John and says, "No my brother, you will not betray me".
Peter next approaches Jesus and asks shakily, "Will I be the one to betray you?" Jesus shakes his head and smiles slightly and says, "No dear friend, it will not be you."
Judus asks quietly, "Is it me Jesus?" and in a high and mocking voice Jesus replies "*Is it me Jesus!?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqmaec/jesus_at_the_last_supper/
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4 guys are hanging out together. Larry gets up and says “hey did you know 1 in 4 guys are gay”

John gets up and says, “I hope it’s chuck, he’s really cute”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqm9qa/4_guys_are_hanging_out_together_larry_gets_up_and/
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A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and an architect are sitting around, talking

They get onto the topic of how amazing the human body is. The mechanical engineer says “God must’ve been a mechanical engineer, I mean, look at the human skeletal system, so well put together, amazing how he did that” the electrical engineer says “no, God was an electrical engineer. Not even the best human electrical engineer ever could’ve created the human nervous system.” The architect pipes in and says “naw, God was a civil engineer.” Wait a minute the mechanical engineer says “I thought architects and civil engineers hated each other? Why would you compare them to God” “Because” said the architect “only a civil engineer would put the waste system right next to the recreational facilities.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqm8t5/a_mechanical_engineer_an_electrical_engineer_and/
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Why is ordering a pizza harder than having a kid?

You can't accidentally order a pizza

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqm60u/why_is_ordering_a_pizza_harder_than_having_a_kid/
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Why was Auschwitz the best hotel?

It had six million stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqm2np/why_was_auschwitz_the_best_hotel/
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My wife had a cheap Brazilian waxing.

She said it was still a rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqm10s/my_wife_had_a_cheap_brazilian_waxing/
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A blonde was going ice fishing. When she drilled the first hole she heard a voice “there’s no fish under the ice!” So she stood up and found a new spot. As she drilled the second hole she heard the voice again “there’s no fish under the ice!!” So the blonde responded with a shiver “god is that you?”

“No mam I’m the janitor of this ice rink”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqm04o/a_blonde_was_going_ice_fishing_when_she_drilled/
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How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

You give her a used tampon and ask which period it’s from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlyy1/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archaeologist/
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My dyslexic friend won't accept that he is gay.

He's still in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlyjp/my_dyslexic_friend_wont_accept_that_he_is_gay/
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At first I thought it was great dating an archaeologist

Then I found out she was a gold digger and her future lies in ruins!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqly94/at_first_i_thought_it_was_great_dating_an/
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Why are the hot girls called chicks...

because they produce eggs or because they love cocks?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlw1q/why_are_the_hot_girls_called_chicks/
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When I was a kid, my parents used to give me 10c and I would have to go down to the shop. I would get a pack of Potato’s, a bunch of bananas, 5 loafs of bread and a bottle of beer.

But of course, you can’t do that anymore as most stores have security cameras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlvkn/when_i_was_a_kid_my_parents_used_to_give_me_10c/
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Did you hear about the new lawyer themed sushi restaurant that opened up the other day?

It's called Sosumi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlv98/did_you_hear_about_the_new_lawyer_themed_sushi/
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One day I was wondering why my older brother's hand was getting bigger.

Then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlsy6/one_day_i_was_wondering_why_my_older_brothers/
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My brother's girlfriend is vegan

I haven't met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlrv4/my_brothers_girlfriend_is_vegan/
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A man goes to Hell

Arriving there, he is greeted by Satan.
„Welcome Buddy! Let me show you around.“
They walk along a sunny beach, the sun is shining, the water is deep blue, everywhere are people laughing and having a good time.
They stop by some groups, have a chat and a drink with them and move along.
As the sun is setting, Satan is guiding the man through a lovely little neighborhood. After a few minutes of walk, he stops at an incredible villa.
„This is yours, man. Have a good night. But whatever you do...“ he points at a gigantic wall in the distance...“do NOT look behind it. See you tomorrow!“
Lying in his bed, the man wonders, what’s behind the wall. Being ever so curious, he decides to walk to the wall.
Arriving there, he sees a red light emitted from behind it. He spots a small hole in the wall and decides, against Satan’s words, to look through it.
To his horror, he sees a blazing wasteland. Everywhere are tormented souls, screaming in agony, demons picking them apart.
Horrified, he runs back to his villa and hides under his blankets. Suddenly, he hears the doorbell.
Carefully he opens his door to see Satan in front of him.
„Please Satan, I’m sorry I peaked behind the wall, I was just so curious, please don’t send me there!“ the man begs.
„What...no man, behind these walls are Christians, they want it that way.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlpym/a_man_goes_to_hell/
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A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door.

The woman answers, and the salesman says "Lady, I have the best damn vaccuum cleaner in the whole world."
Before she could decline, he invited himself in. "Lady," he said, "This vaccuum cleaner can suck up anything. In fact, if you leave it running, it'll probably suck the carpet up!"
The woman was very irritated at this point, but the man would not stop talking. He walked over to the fireplace in her living room, picked up a handful of ashes, and threw them on the carpet. He also dumped a bag of trash he was carrying onto the carpet as well.
The woman was aghast, but he continued. "Lady, if this vaccuum can't suck up all of this from your carpet," he said as he produced a plastic spoon from his pocket, "I will eat all of it from the ground with this spoon!"
"Well," she said smugly, "You better start eating, sir, because we don't have any electricity."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlmyz/a_doortodoor_vacuum_cleaner_salesman_knocks_on_a/
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My opinion on abortion is kinda complicated.

I'm all for killing children, but I cant stand giving women rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlljc/my_opinion_on_abortion_is_kinda_complicated/
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You know why Southerners don’t like reverse cowgirl?

You never turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlkmo/you_know_why_southerners_dont_like_reverse_cowgirl/
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I throw things at bad doctors

So the quack ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlkdl/i_throw_things_at_bad_doctors/
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What would you call a cheap circumcision

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqligr/what_would_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.

A man walks into a bar and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlhri/i_stayed_up_all_night_trying_to_think_of_a_joke/
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My wife told me to go the gym and burn some calories

So I went and set some fat kids on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlfl3/my_wife_told_me_to_go_the_gym_and_burn_some/
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This sub

Elaborate in comments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlf3d/this_sub/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room yesterday

He said “Thanks”
I said “Don’t mention it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqleq2/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
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a little boy asked his dad: "Can i have a girlfriend?"

Dad: when you grow up and be a nice gentleman, maybe you'll have one.
Boy: what if grow up and be a total piece of shit and an asshole.
Dad: language kid!.. In that case you're gonna have lots of'em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqlbmm/a_little_boy_asked_his_dad_can_i_have_a_girlfriend/
%
A guy was getting a lot of abuse from two kids at a supermarket.

So the guy says to the mother are they twins? Mother replies how the fuck can they be twins, one is 9 and the other one is 6 the guy replies, well I didn't think anyone could fuck you twice...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqla60/a_guy_was_getting_a_lot_of_abuse_from_two_kids_at/
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How did i get into the hospital:

When our lawn mower broke, my wife still reminded me to repair it. But I was still busy. There was always something else to do. My car, football, internet, fishing, friends, pub... Something more important for me. Finally she came with an idea she believed will work. When I came home yesterday, she was sitting in the high grass and was cutting it with really small scissors. I was watching her silently for a minute and then I went back home. After few minutes I returned with a toothbrush and told her: When you will end with the grass, you can wipe the house.
I remember no more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bql9pa/how_did_i_get_into_the_hospital/
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A son comes out as gay

Son: I'm gay
Dad:*clenches fist*
Mom: don't
Dad*sweats profusely
Mom:......
Dad: hey gay I'm dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bql1qv/a_son_comes_out_as_gay/
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What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bql0xq/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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Why did my wife not take the kids?

Because she is not Karen (caring) enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bql0fd/why_did_my_wife_not_take_the_kids/
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Why did Barty Crouch Jr stop drinking ?

It was making him moody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqko0b/why_did_barty_crouch_jr_stop_drinking/
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 Isotopes of Helium?

HeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqkls2/what_did_the_scientist_say_when_he_found_2/
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What do you call an empty can of cheesewis

Cheesewas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqkk3y/what_do_you_call_an_empty_can_of_cheesewis/
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Mexican and black jokes are all the same

Once you heard Juan, you heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqkdbj/mexican_and_black_jokes_are_all_the_same/
%
Knock knock....

Who’s there?
Aaaaaaaahhh!
Aaaaaaaahhh! Who?
Werewolves of London.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqkbz6/knock_knock/
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Bangity-Bangity (long)

A young man who had been raised to be deathly afraid of guns was drafted into the army. He was ordered to overcome his fear or face perpetual KP duty. So, he went to a hypnotist who convinced him he would never have to fire a gun. "Just point your finger and say, 'Bangity-Bangity.'"
When in battle, the frightened soldier discovered it really worked. He pointed his finger ahead and said,  "Bangity-Bangity," and the enemy fell to the ground as if dead. He pointed to the left and said,  "Bangity-Bangity," and more enemy soldiers fell down, dead. He aimed his finger to the right, and then, "Click, Click." He was out of bullets.
So, our hero made a fist as if he had a knife in his hand and ran towards the enemy, swinging his arm wildly, yelling, "Stabity, Stabity." The enemy fell over, dead.
Then, one enemy soldier refused to die. No matter how many times he was stabbed, he simply kept marching, trampling our hero into the ground. As he lay on the ground, battered, our hero heard the enemy soldier repeating the words, "Tankity, Tankity. Tankity, Tankity."
(Disclosure: this is an old David Brenner joke.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqk6ec/bangitybangity_long/
%
I was ecstatic to finally visit Chernobyl.

Afterwards I spent weeks glowing and radiating happiness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqk4g4/i_was_ecstatic_to_finally_visit_chernobyl/
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Touching funeral for homeless man

As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country.  As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost.  I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.  I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.  The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I sang  like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
As I sang & played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep.  They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car.  Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqk4c5/touching_funeral_for_homeless_man/
%
The Hindenburg...



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqk2hn/the_hindenburg/
%
An old Russian man is at his dying wife's bedside.

The doctor on visit to their apartment looks her over and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but the only way to save your wife is to have anal sex with her."
"I can't do it," says the man, "I'm a loyal Communist and have dutifully served my country. I fought the entire war and earned many medals, including Hero of the Soviet Union. Hell, I even held Lenin in my arms as he was dying."
"Like I said, intercourse is the only way to save your wife." says the doctor and leaves.
Later that night, the man decides to take the doctor's advice, mounts his wife and starts pounding away. After a few moments, he becomes exhausted and falls asleep.
The next morning, the man wakes up and sees the other side of the bed is empty. Listening more intently, he makes out the sound of pots and pans clanging in the kitchen. He gets up, walks over to the kitchen, and sees his wife doing dishes and humming with joy. As he watches her, he suddenly slaps his forehead and says:
"What an old fool I am. I could have saved Lenin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqjzp1/an_old_russian_man_is_at_his_dying_wifes_bedside/
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In 1984 a British man saw a wounded elephant in India

He decided to treat its wound and stay with it until it can stand on its feet once again. When the elephant was able to stand on its own the british man set the elephant free in the wild. 9 year later, an Indian circus had a tour in the UK and the british man decided to attend it. On the elephant part, the elephant was not listening to its master and headed to the crowd. The british man recognised that elephant he treated 9 years ago and headed towards the elephant with open arms, big smile and tears. When the elephant approached the british man, the elephant grabbed him with his hose and threw him into the ground and trod on him and crushed him to death. Unfortunately, it was not the same elephant he treated in india 9 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqjvmv/in_1984_a_british_man_saw_a_wounded_elephant_in/
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I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqjtz4/i_often_wonder_if_the_guy_who_came_up_with_the/
%
A father in Alabama asks his priest about getting an abortion...

'Father, my daughter was raped.  Tell me it's okay her her have an abortion'
'No, my son. That is a sin'
'But father,' he pleads, 'they were illegal immigrants! Surely it's okay to abort a BROWN baby?'
'No my son, that is still a sin'
'But father, I'm fairly sure they we're all Democrats!'
'I'm sorry, it is still a sin.'
Exasperated, the man shouts 'But father, one of them was her half-brother!!
The priest pauses for a minute before saying, 'Okay, get my coat.'
'Really, you'll drive us to the clinic?'
'No my son, I just need the hanger.'
Talen aback, he says 'Jesus father, I don't know. Is that going to hurt her?'
'Look man I don't know what to tell you. If you know a better way to hang a "WELCOME TO THE FAMILY' banner, I'm all ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqjtgd/a_father_in_alabama_asks_his_priest_about_getting/
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My friend told me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you have on!”

I said, “Thanks. Those are called pants, not an ass shirt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqjpmi/my_friend_told_me_thats_a_niceass_shirt_you_have/
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What a time to be alive in Alabama

The crush of my life told me she loves me like a brother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqjmwv/what_a_time_to_be_alive_in_alabama/
%
Ah, the Taj Mahal...

...the greatest erection of a man for a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqjkaf/ah_the_taj_mahal/
%
Dad: If you continue to masturbate, you will go blind.

Son: Uh, dad, I'm over here...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqjgxt/dad_if_you_continue_to_masturbate_you_will_go/
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I brought my MP3 player to school yesterday, but bullies broke it. Luckily, today is my birthday and my parents got me an MP4 player, but the bullies broke it again

Tomorrow, i'll bring an MP5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqje7j/i_brought_my_mp3_player_to_school_yesterday_but/
%
A dickhead walks into a bar...

the bartender asks "Why the schlong face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqj91a/a_dickhead_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If 2 people having sex is a twosome and three people having sex is a threesome

I now see why everyone calls you handsome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqj7hn/if_2_people_having_sex_is_a_twosome_and_three/
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I was supposed to be teaching origami to kids but I had to leave halfway through

I guess you could say that I folded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqj6er/i_was_supposed_to_be_teaching_origami_to_kids_but/
%
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqj67a/while_reading_an_article_about_fathers_and_sons/
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If two people having sex is a twosome, and three people have sex is called a threesome,

I can see why everyone calls you handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqj53g/if_two_people_having_sex_is_a_twosome_and_three/
%
Do you know the difference between a cheeseburger and a blowjob?

Wanna go to lunch?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqj4wj/do_you_know_the_difference_between_a_cheeseburger/
%
I was on school and a custodian said to some random kid...

"If stupidity was music you would be an orchestra"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqj2va/i_was_on_school_and_a_custodian_said_to_some/
%
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

the mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqizi8/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a/
%
What is big, grey and not important?

An Ir-elephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqiweg/what_is_big_grey_and_not_important/
%
I am a vegetarian!!

I just let the cows and chickens eat the grains and green stuff first before I eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqiw4o/i_am_a_vegetarian/
%
What do you call a ton of dogs having sex in Wales?

A Welsh Corgy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqiuhh/what_do_you_call_a_ton_of_dogs_having_sex_in_wales/
%
A man walks into a psychologists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap all over his body.

The psychologist says, “well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqiskd/a_man_walks_into_a_psychologists_office_wearing/
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Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqip2h/engineer_in_hell/
%
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108.
We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqiov4/a_couple_both_age_78_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
%
­

­
­

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqinch/_/
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Two deer walk out of a gay bar…

One says to the other, "Man, I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there!'”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqidxu/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.

And then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqidoy/i_stayed_up_all_night_trying_to_think_of_a_joke/
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I told my GF that I had ,been diagnosed with sticky sperm syndrome.

She said that'd be hard to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqicy3/i_told_my_gf_that_i_had_been_diagnosed_with/
%
Why are vampires so impulsive?

They never reflect on things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqi912/why_are_vampires_so_impulsive/
%
Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in the top 10 percent of all the zoos in the country.
Our animal care, safety, employees and educational and service standards are set high and met accordingly. Not one of our tigers has been arrested with cocaine. No otter knocks over old ladies to shoplift condoms. Our bear doesn't have temper tantrums and storm off his exhibit. You won't find any of our lemurs busted for smoking pot. So, please, stop insulting zoos by comparing those criminals to us.
Amanda J. Padwa
Business Manager
Binghamton Zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqi8hp/binghamton_universitys_athletic_director_compared/
%
My wife and I've been happily married for 3 years.

Today is our 10th anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqi7aq/my_wife_and_ive_been_happily_married_for_3_years/
%
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqi6pc/while_reading_an_article_about_fathers_and_sons/
%
So I went in for a physical...

My doctor recommended that I eat more saturated fats, up my coffee intake to two pots a day, and suggested I take up smoking.
I'm beginning to suspect he knows about me and his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqi48x/so_i_went_in_for_a_physical/
%
Every yo momma joke has been done thousands of times.

Kinda like yo momma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqi15a/every_yo_momma_joke_has_been_done_thousands_of/
%
Hey bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?

Brochure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqi0z9/hey_bro_can_you_pass_me_that_pamphlet/
%
What do you call a deaf Gynaecologist?

*A lip reader.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqhy8x/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynaecologist/
%
An old Irish Catholic is on his deathbed

, and while his family gather round him he asks one of his sons to do him a favour.
"Son" he says, "Bring me a Protestant Vicar".
"But why father, why would you want a Protestant Vicar?" Asks the son.
The old man insists and the Vicar is duly brought. The old man is close to death by the time he arrives. Then he says
"Hello, I'd like to convert. I've been a Catholic all my life but I'd like to become a Protestant before I die"
His son is now quite worried -
"But father, you've been a Catholic for 93 years, you can't convert now as you die"
The man insists its what he wants to do, and again the son questions him:
"Why dad, why? Why would you turn back on your faith and become a Protestant as you lie here dying, soon to meet the Lord?"
The old man looks up, his eyes flickering, and speaks:
"Look here son, better one of those bastards die than one of us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqhy2h/an_old_irish_catholic_is_on_his_deathbed/
%
My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty badly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqhrmw/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
%
I walked into the airport with my recently deceased dog.

I was immediately stopped by security and airport staff alike.
"Sir, you can't bring that on a airplane."
"Oh, I thought I was allowed one carrion bag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqhrfz/i_walked_into_the_airport_with_my_recently/
%
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqhr2t/a_proud_new_father_sits_down_with_his_dad_to_have/
%
I just realized why adult websites have a bunch of incest recently.

Everyone is clicking on 'Show more related videos'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqhl8e/i_just_realized_why_adult_websites_have_a_bunch/
%
I had a problem with my computer yesterday.

I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqhe4l/i_had_a_problem_with_my_computer_yesterday/
%
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqh6pl/whats_the_difference_between_erotic_and_kinky/
%
Antivax mothers all over think that their children are safe because of believing in Jesus.

And like Jesus, their children could die because of a rusty nail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqh5oj/antivax_mothers_all_over_think_that_their/
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My grief counselor died last week

She must of been good though because I couldn’t give a shit.
Credit to an elderly man at my girlfriends pub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqh5ke/my_grief_counselor_died_last_week/
%
I was driving to work the other day when I saw a little boy riding a brand new push bike.

As I got closer I started to worry and thought to myself "Hey, that looks exactly like the one I bought online last week."
But then I took a deep breath and calmed down when I remembered that mine was still chained up at home. And there's NO Way that little shit could possibly escape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqh38p/i_was_driving_to_work_the_other_day_when_i_saw_a/
%
What's Brown and Sticky?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqgh72/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
I find it really embarrassing when there's that really large splashing sound when you take a poo.

Of people trying to get out of the jacuzzi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqgcdj/i_find_it_really_embarrassing_when_theres_that/
%
I heard that N.W.A. has beef with Sting.

Not sure why he hated The Police so much, "Roxanne" was a classic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqgbg5/i_heard_that_nwa_has_beef_with_sting/
%
A guy delivered food to his former girlfriend.

Fed Ex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqgaiw/a_guy_delivered_food_to_his_former_girlfriend/
%
What do you call someone who works for U-Haul and doesn't appreciate poetry?

An unmoved mover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqfzol/what_do_you_call_someone_who_works_for_uhaul_and/
%
Why did the rooster go to the KFC?

To see a chicken strip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqfyxi/why_did_the_rooster_go_to_the_kfc/
%
Why are origami artists terrible at poker?

They are constantly folding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqfvmr/why_are_origami_artists_terrible_at_poker/
%
How do you call a homosexual russian?

Sir gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqfv0q/how_do_you_call_a_homosexual_russian/
%
Why did Donald Trump bring his wig to the cash register?

Toupee.
Credit: my wife made this up while we were in bed falling asleep last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqfrih/why_did_donald_trump_bring_his_wig_to_the_cash/
%
As his son has turned 19 today, a father starts a serious father-son talk...

The father says: „Son, you‘ve reached age of majority today. You‘re an adult now. But you‘re still a virgin, so we have to tackle this. Here‘s 50 bucks, now go to the docks and have fun with a hooker. After that, you can call yourself not only an adult but also a man.“
The son takes the $50 and leaves for the docks. Almost there, he encounters his grandmother. „Hello grandson, happy birthday.“ she says, „Where are you headed? This ain‘t no place for boys like you.“ After the son has told her about the conversation with his father, the grandmother replies: „This ain’t no good idea. Money‘s tight these days. Come home with me and I‘ll make you a man for free.“
Happy to save $50, the son follows his grandmother to her place. Having arrived there, they almost instantly start banging on the couch.
Suddenly, the door opens and the father enters the room. After he realizes what is happening, he drops the groceries and angrily shouts: „For Christ‘s sake, son! You‘re doing my mother!“ Heavily breathing, the son answers: „What‘s the matter? You‘re doing mine as well!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqfpu2/as_his_son_has_turned_19_today_a_father_starts_a/
%
My roommate in college was a weird performance artist who outlined all his paintings using his penis.

I should have never moved in with Dick Tracy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqfnkv/my_roommate_in_college_was_a_weird_performance/
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The Biology Exam.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqfmki/the_biology_exam/
%
I asked my german girlfriend what she thought of my dick.

She said it was gross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqfli6/i_asked_my_german_girlfriend_what_she_thought_of/
%
What do you call a homosexual russian?

Sir gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqfkgo/what_do_you_call_a_homosexual_russian/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqfhjt/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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If I'm ever on life support, please unplug me.

And then plug me in again, see if that works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqfg9a/if_im_ever_on_life_support_please_unplug_me/
%
Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says: It is a broken starter.
The electrical engineer says: Dead battery.
The chemical engineer says: Impurities in the gasoline.
The IT engineer says: Hey guys,  I have an idea how about we all get out of car and then back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqffeo/four_engineers_get_into_a_car_the_car_wont_start/
%
Constipation can turn into a serious condition.

No shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqfeab/constipation_can_turn_into_a_serious_condition/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of their boat?

Because if they fall forwards, they’ll still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqfcmr/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_out_of_their/
%
Why did the half blind man fall into the well?

He couldn’t see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqf831/why_did_the_half_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
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My friends always laugh at me for having an imaginary girlfriend

Jokes on them, they’re imaginary too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqf62s/my_friends_always_laugh_at_me_for_having_an/
%
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqf3p8/after_my_wife_had_given_birth_to_our_baby_the/
%
I've just found an origami porn channel!

But it's paper view only  :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqf3kz/ive_just_found_an_origami_porn_channel/
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An indian man on his death bed.

"Sanjita, my wife, are you here?"
"Yes, my husband"
"My daughters are you here?
"Yes, papa"
"My sons are you here ?"
"Yes, Father, we are all here"
"Then who's in the fucking shop?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqf2t2/an_indian_man_on_his_death_bed/
%
The new 3D tv I bought is super realistic!

I dozed off while watching a documentary on the Catholic Church and when I woke up the house smelled of incense and my 7 year-old son was missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqf1i5/the_new_3d_tv_i_bought_is_super_realistic/
%
So there was this man who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqeuip/so_there_was_this_man_who_drove_trains_for_a/
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Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbers?

Because they can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqelqm/why_do_teenage_girls_travel_in_odd_numbers/
%
Math joke : Should you say "All prime numbers are odd except one",

or "All prime numbers are odd except two ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqekzm/math_joke_should_you_say_all_prime_numbers_are/
%
Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqeku7/why_dont_pine_trees_eat_salad/
%
We must stop making jokes about menstruation.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqef2x/we_must_stop_making_jokes_about_menstruation/
%
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US...

... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqeeeg/soon_the_only_way_to_abort_a_kid_in_the_us/
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What do you call a temper tantrum of the child of an anti-vaxxer?

A midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqeamu/what_do_you_call_a_temper_tantrum_of_the_child_of/
%
My wife clogged up the toilet last night

I knew i should have cut her into smaller pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqeafd/my_wife_clogged_up_the_toilet_last_night/
%
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table...

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqe64q/a_man_goes_to_a_bar_and_sees_a_fat_girl_dancing/
%
I was in psychology class yesterday...

and  we couldn't stop laughing at how stupid Pavlov's dogs were.
Then the bell rang and we all had lunch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqe54s/i_was_in_psychology_class_yesterday/
%
If con is the opposite of pro....

*who's surprised that Congress is the opposite of progress?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqe4ij/if_con_is_the_opposite_of_pro/
%
Why did the monkey walk to school by himself?

He had no primates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqdz4k/why_did_the_monkey_walk_to_school_by_himself/
%
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqdvz9/i_was_at_a_job_interview_today_when_the_manager/
%
What happens to the cannibal when he late to dinner?

He gets the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqduop/what_happens_to_the_cannibal_when_he_late_to/
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The Alabama legislature didn’t include an exemption for cases of incest in their abortion ban.

They knew that if they had the law would only have prohibited 5% of Alabama pregnancies from being aborted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqdtg8/the_alabama_legislature_didnt_include_an/
%
What do you call a man who lives in Turkey who was not born there.

Turkish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqdmob/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_lives_in_turkey_who/
%
Why don't rabbits like to play the drums?

They're afraid of getting caught in a snare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqdmnn/why_dont_rabbits_like_to_play_the_drums/
%
A pumpkin and her husband go out for a special dinner date.

They meet each other after work at a table within the restaurant.
Wife: “How do I look?”
Husband: “Gourdgeous as ever dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqdcri/a_pumpkin_and_her_husband_go_out_for_a_special/
%
Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqda72/today_i_thought_of_a_color_that_doesnt_exist/
%
What do you call a black person who flies an airplane?

A PILOT YOU RACIST BASTARD!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqd7qj/what_do_you_call_a_black_person_who_flies_an/
%
ps4 / Xbox joke

Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqd5ki/ps4_xbox_joke/
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Does anyone know the cost to maintain Fenway Park from season to season?

I don’t need exact figures, just a ballpark estimate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqd4mk/does_anyone_know_the_cost_to_maintain_fenway_park/
%
What is the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqd2nt/what_is_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
A guy orders a burger and chips.

“I’ll have a burger and chips please” says a guy.
“Are you eating in or do you want it takeaway?” I ask.
“Get f*cked c*nt!” Says the guy as he grabs his food and walks away.
I love working in the prison canteen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqcx5l/a_guy_orders_a_burger_and_chips/
%
What kind of wine comes in a Box?

Cardbordeaux

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqcvp8/what_kind_of_wine_comes_in_a_box/
%
What do you get when you cross a disabled octopus with my ex wife?

A 5 legged slut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqctd8/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_disabled_octopus/
%
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad,what's being drunk like ?

So the dad replied,"Do you see those four trees son? Well, if someone was drunk he would see eight trees."
The son replied,"But Dad,I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqcsiu/the_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_him_dadwhats/
%
I applied for one of them online "get rich quick" programs once

they sent me a gun and a list of the closest banks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqcs4b/i_applied_for_one_of_them_online_get_rich_quick/
%
What do you call a Caucasian furry?

An animal cracker...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqcmqi/what_do_you_call_a_caucasian_furry/
%
What are the toes that everyone likes to eat?

Potatoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqchfw/what_are_the_toes_that_everyone_likes_to_eat/
%
If I had a piece of bread for every gender

I could make one sandwich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqceab/if_i_had_a_piece_of_bread_for_every_gender/
%
What’s the best part about summer in America?

3 months without a school shooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqc8o2/whats_the_best_part_about_summer_in_america/
%
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqc6l1/a_us_marine_colonel_was_about_to_start_the/
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How many mexicans do you need to change a light bulb?

Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqc3bb/how_many_mexicans_do_you_need_to_change_a_light/
%
What happens when you run into your underwater nemesis?

You sea anenome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqc2ru/what_happens_when_you_run_into_your_underwater/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqbxe8/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Did you know 2x10 is same as 2x11 ?

One is twenty and other is twenty too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqbwyh/did_you_know_2x10_is_same_as_2x11/
%
I went to buy a new TV and told the sales guy "I don't care what type it is as long as it's not 3D"

He drew me a picture of one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqbwq6/i_went_to_buy_a_new_tv_and_told_the_sales_guy_i/
%
I don't believe in the mixing of the races.

I mean it's ridiculous, all those horses would trample the marathoners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqbvyx/i_dont_believe_in_the_mixing_of_the_races/
%
A boy walks in on his dad masturbating.

Never having seen anyone do this, he says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
His dad replies, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon enough!"
"Really? Why's that, Daddy?" The son asks,
"Well, my arm is getting tired ” the dad replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqbl0r/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_dad_masturbating/
%
The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.

I said no.  I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqbkjc/the_janitor_in_my_apartment_complex_asked_me_if_i/
%
OC joke : Why doesn't anyone notice Thor's little brother?

Because he's low key...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqbhuk/oc_joke_why_doesnt_anyone_notice_thors_little/
%
EA doesn't mean 'Early Access'

It means 'Easy Access'
To your wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqbhgi/ea_doesnt_mean_early_access/
%
What goes "Vroom! Screech! Vroom! Screech! Vroom! Screech!"?

A blonde at an intersection with a flashing red light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqbd58/what_goes_vroom_screech_vroom_screech_vroom/
%
If Reddit didn't exist...

Karma would stop being a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqb9kz/if_reddit_didnt_exist/
%
My sister got captured by terrorists while vacationing in Iraq

But I guess jihad it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqb7sd/my_sister_got_captured_by_terrorists_while/
%
This guy walked up to the counter and said 'Burger and chips please,'

'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?'
'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqb7q6/this_guy_walked_up_to_the_counter_and_said_burger/
%
What do you call a confused pig?

Hamboozled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqb5fg/what_do_you_call_a_confused_pig/
%
President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.

Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff:
“I thought I paid that bill already.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqb14x/president_trump_was_told_about_the_new_abortion/
%
I broke my arm...

and I just started laughing, it just seemed humerus at the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqb0eh/i_broke_my_arm/
%
HERCULES: Hey Perseus, have you seen my beer?

PERSEUS: Oh, I think Achilles took it.
HERCULES: Motherfucker!
OEDIPUS: You called?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqazrd/hercules_hey_perseus_have_you_seen_my_beer/
%
Florida: I’m the most fucked up state.

Alabama: Hold my sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqazal/florida_im_the_most_fucked_up_state/
%
I locked my keys in my car outside of planned parenthood

Should I go in and ask them to borrow a hanger?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqaph8/i_locked_my_keys_in_my_car_outside_of_planned/
%
Floors take on so much responsibility...

It's like everything falls to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqap2l/floors_take_on_so_much_responsibility/
%
Whenever I receive a nude picture, as a respectful gentleman I suggest that they cover up and show themselves some self respect

Go ahead, ladies, send me a nude and see what I say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqamu7/whenever_i_receive_a_nude_picture_as_a_respectful/
%
When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said that she wanted to be a comedian.

Nobody is laughing now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqam2u/when_she_was_growing_up_everybody_laughed_when/
%
Math joke

A man was having a really bad day. His girlfriend left him, his car got repossessed and he lost his job. There was nothing left for him in his town so on a whim he took a taxi to the airport. He walked in and went up to the lady behind the counter and says “put me on a flight that will change my life” the lady respond “sir I know exactly what to do”.
30 minutes later the man got on a Delta airlines flight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqal6l/math_joke/
%
An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile
\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"
\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"
The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :
\- "You got lucky here"
\- "Please ma'am, I'm a professional"
\- "Ok then, next I'd like 582 grams of lamb leg."
The butcher smiles, goes to the lamb legs, chose one, rise his chopper and BAM, clear cut, put on the scale : 582g.
The old lady is impressed. At this moment, a man runs in the chop with a newborn in his arms and says :
\- "My wife just gave birth in the car, and we need to know how much the baby weighs..."
\- "I'd say 3.451 kg" says the butcher.
\- " No he is much smaller than that, I'd say 2.9kg max" replies the old lady.
So the butcher offers : "We'll ask my apprentice to weigh the baby on our high precision scale, if he is under 3kg, you'll get your meat for free. That way it will be fair"
He calls his apprentice from the back and asks him to take the baby to the scale outback and come back with his weight.
The apprentice takes the baby and goes to the back shop. He comes back 5 min later and says
\- "882 grams !"
So everybody is like "Wait that's impossible"
\- "I swear ! 882 grams, emptied and boned !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqal0k/an_old_lady_decides_to_go_to_the_new_butcher_shop/
%
The exchange rate in France is terrible.

$100 U.S. is only a cent in France

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqaawg/the_exchange_rate_in_france_is_terrible/
%
I'm a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!

Second edit: 2 children!
Third edit: I'm a proud anti-vaxx woman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqa3si/im_a_proud_antivaxx_mother_of_five_children/
%
Did you know Ghandi had bad breath?

They say that because of his diet he had bad breath and was very frail. He also walked everywhere barefoot, which was rough on his feet.
Guess you could say he was a **super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqa3f8/did_you_know_ghandi_had_bad_breath/
%
A guy lost his dog

The guy takes the dead dog to the vet to get the vet's opinion. The vet said the dog is dead. The owner didn't want to admit his dog is dead and asked for a 2nd opinion. The vet gets a cat. It sniffs the dead dog and says "meow". That was the 2nd opinion which was the dog is dead. The guy wanted a 3rd opinion. The vet gets a living dog and it sniffs the dead one and says "woof". That was the 3rd opinion. The dog was dead. The man goes to pay the vent. The bill is some ungodly amount. The guy is livid. The vet said.
"Well you did order a cat scan and lab report".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqa342/a_guy_lost_his_dog/
%
A dog randomly saved my life a few years ago, I ended up taking him home with me and naming him Malone.

Because I will never be able to pay him back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqa2or/a_dog_randomly_saved_my_life_a_few_years_ago_i/
%
On a daily basis, what usually goes through an American student's mind?

Bullets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqa1fn/on_a_daily_basis_what_usually_goes_through_an/
%
I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bqa125/i_like_to_write_pun_on_a_sheet_of_paper_and_then/
%
What do you call a woman with 1 black eye?

A goddamn ambulance. This is no time for jokes, there's been an assault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq9ylu/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_1_black_eye/
%
So I'm at the nuclear missile facility and my boyfriend texts me "Hey Anna, wanna come over? ;)"

The general asks me for target coordinates for a missile launch so I do a search.
Using satellite imaging, I find the perfect spot and fire straight away.
Me: "General, we've launched a nuclear strike at these coordinates."
He looks at me in extreme confusion.
General: "What the hell, you've aimed it at a civilian neighborhood!"
Me: "It's okay general, I don't know who Anna is but Ex marks the spot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq9vfb/so_im_at_the_nuclear_missile_facility_and_my/
%
So a man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100 000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250 000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500 000 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500 000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq9r4w/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A girl asked her mom how to spell ‘scrotum’

She replied, “Sweetheart, you should have asked me last night, it was on the tip of my tongue.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq9pxb/a_girl_asked_her_mom_how_to_spell_scrotum/
%
An employee of a sex toy shop answers a call from a customer...

“Hi, I purchased a cock cage from your store on Tuesday. Even though the box clearly states it’s made for men with extra large penises, the cage was still too small to fit me,” the customer explained.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” the worker responded. “But unfortunately, it sounds like you did open the box, so you’re not eligible for a return or refund.”
“Oh, I know that,” the customer said.
“Oh, then why are you calling?” The rep asked.
“Lady, I’m *calling everyone*!” The customer replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq9pgl/an_employee_of_a_sex_toy_shop_answers_a_call_from/
%
A man wakes up in a slum with no memory of how he got there.

He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq9ouj/a_man_wakes_up_in_a_slum_with_no_memory_of_how_he/
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How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq9fzj/how_can_you_avoid_hitting_your_fingers_when_you/
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What's the difference between a boomerang and a stick of wood ?

With the boomerang you can spare yourself the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq9dth/whats_the_difference_between_a_boomerang_and_a/
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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq9d6j/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
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Abortion is now illegal

So... I guess I’m an antivax parent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq9bh9/abortion_is_now_illegal/
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I accidentally went to my first Star Trek convention dressed as Chewbacca.

Wookie mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq9bg0/i_accidentally_went_to_my_first_star_trek/
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What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One sees you later, the other sees you in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq99lt/whats_the_difference_between_an_alligator_and_a/
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How do you circumcise a whale?

Send down four skin divers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq97ys/how_do_you_circumcise_a_whale/
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I'm not saying I value sandwiches more than equality.

But my favourite part about LGBT is the BLT bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq94ly/im_not_saying_i_value_sandwiches_more_than/
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Its funny how red white and blue represent freedom,

Until they are flashing behind you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq8yez/its_funny_how_red_white_and_blue_represent_freedom/
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What do they call premature ejaculation in the military?

A dishonorable discharge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq8v7o/what_do_they_call_premature_ejaculation_in_the/
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Did you hear about the shovel joke?

I don’t know about you, but I dig it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq8ujq/did_you_hear_about_the_shovel_joke/
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Sleeping is so easy

I can do it with my eyes closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq8rgy/sleeping_is_so_easy/
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What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq8m2m/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_cries_while_he/
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A man dies and goes to gates of Saint Peter

Once up there he sees thousands upon thousands of clocks behind Saint Peter. He asks him
"What are all those clocks for?"
"Well, every person gets a clock as soon as they're born, and every time they tell lie the handles move forward one minute. You see here this is the clock of Abraham Lincoln. It's at 12:02, so he only Lied twice in his life"
"wow" the man replied "Just put of curiosity though, where is Trumps clock, I can't see it anywhere"
"Oh that. That's in Jesus' Office, he uses it as a ceiling fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq8ldj/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_gates_of_saint_peter/
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I lost my job...

I prayed to God for a lottery win.
I got behind on my rent,
I pleaded to God for a lottery win.
I got evicted,
I went to church and begged God for a lottery win.
Suddenly, in the church, God appeared to me.
He said, Dave! Meet me half way and buy a bloody ticket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq8iuv/i_lost_my_job/
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A swedish reporter traveled to Finland during WW2 to interview a finnish soldier...

Once in Finland, he found a soldier sitting outside some tents.
The reporter sat down beside the man and asked:
”Can you tell me how you feel about beeing a finnish soldier?”
Well, the soldier said, as a finnish soldier you have two alternatives.
Either you live or you die.
If you live, you’re screwed.
But if you die, you have two alternatives.
Either you get buried in a single grave or a mass grave.
If you get buried in a single grave, you are screwed.
But if you get buried in a mass grave you have two alternatives.
Either you end up in the bottom of the grave or you get put on the top.
If you end up on the bottom, you are screwed. But if you are put on top, you have two alternatives.
Either you grow up to be a flower or you grow up to a tree.
If you grow up to be a flower you are screwed. But if you grow up as a tree, you have two alternatives.
Either you become firewood or you become paper.
If you become firewood, you are screwed.
But if you become paper, you have two alternatives.
Either you end up as a newspaper or toiletpaper.
If you end up as newspaper, you are screwed.
But if you end up as toiletpaper, you have two alternatives.
Either you get put in the mens room or the ladies room.
If you get put in the mens room, you are screwed.
But if you get put in the ladies room, you have two alternatives.
Either you get wiped in the back or the front.
If you get wiped in the back, you are screwed.
But if you get wiped in the front, then I am PROUD to have been a finnish soldier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq8h39/a_swedish_reporter_traveled_to_finland_during_ww2/
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Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donal Trump are on a plane.

Merkel finds $100 on the floor of the aircraft and says:
"I will throw the money out of the aircraft and make 1 person happy" Putin interrupts her, stating that if they split the $100 bill into 2 $50 bills they can make 2 people happy. Trump insists that they should throw 4 $25 bills and make 4 people happy. The pilot of the plane, overhearing their conversation, turns to his co-pilot and tells him "Should I throw this plane in the sea and make 7 billion people happy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq8g2x/angela_merkel_vladimir_putin_and_donal_trump_are/
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No matter where I eat, or what I order, they always cook me a sirloin.

I said to the apologetic waiter,  "It's OK, everyone makes me steaks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq8fpm/no_matter_where_i_eat_or_what_i_order_they_always/
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What is served at a Trump rally?

White whine and salty crackers!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq8ahj/what_is_served_at_a_trump_rally/
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What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq86ez/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
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I really like strong female protagonists

You could say I'm addicted to heroine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq82mo/i_really_like_strong_female_protagonists/
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What’s the number one item shipped by amazon?

Cardboard boxes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq810u/whats_the_number_one_item_shipped_by_amazon/
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A Dad is walking past his teen son's open bedroom door and hears the sounds of masturbation.

Looking inside his assumption is confirmed.  "Son, relax, you're not in trouble, you've done nothing wrong."  Junior is frozen in shock by his Dad.  Dad continues, "You should just save that till after you're married."  Dad then walks away and nothing else is said.
Years later, Dad is once again walking by his son's open bedroom door and hears the familiar sound.  "Again?" Dad thinks, and enters his son's room.  "Son, I, thought I talked to you about this?"
Junior, continues along masturbating, un-phased.  "I know, I know, I have seventeen jars full already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq7zkm/a_dad_is_walking_past_his_teen_sons_open_bedroom/
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I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy."

Now I just wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq7qqf/i_have_a_bumper_sticker_that_says_honk_if_you/
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I can’t believe I was fired from the calendar factory!

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq7kpr/i_cant_believe_i_was_fired_from_the_calendar/
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What’s the secret to staying down-to-earth?

Gravity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq7asc/whats_the_secret_to_staying_downtoearth/
%
What does a mountain say when it's sick?

I'm feeling hill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq7apw/what_does_a_mountain_say_when_its_sick/
%
I always wanted a pet pig

I heard they have a wonderful porcine-ality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq7561/i_always_wanted_a_pet_pig/
%
An American man goes to a hotel in London.

In the hotel, the American man asks the receptionist:
“Where is the elevator?”
The receptionist replies with a thick British accent:
“Oh, you mean the lift, sir?”
To which the American man replies proudly:
“No, I mean the elevator because we, the Americans, invented it!”
To which the receptionist replies:
“Indeed, sir, indeed, but we, the British invented the language.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq748r/an_american_man_goes_to_a_hotel_in_london/
%
One arm man walks to the store and ask

Is this second hand shop?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq72cq/one_arm_man_walks_to_the_store_and_ask/
%
When was cannabis first used?

In the Stoned Age

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6xkh/when_was_cannabis_first_used/
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When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His stautue in central London is 15 feet tall.

Thats Horatio of 3:1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6wsh/when_lord_nelson_died_he_was_5_feet_tall_his/
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A black Jewish boy...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6w2x/a_black_jewish_boy/
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Those ‘watch for children’ road signs are weird,

I mean, how dangerous can a child be

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6vte/those_watch_for_children_road_signs_are_weird/
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My wife is angry at me because I peed in the shower

She said that I “ruined her bubble bath”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6uq2/my_wife_is_angry_at_me_because_i_peed_in_the/
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Jake : "My sex life isn't that bad, all considered. After all these years I still fuck my wife once a week".

Joe : "Not bad ! Bit after all these years I can't complain either, I still do it every second day".
Andy : "That's cool. Myself i'm really lucky I guess. After all that time i still do it twice a day".
Jake : "But, Andy ! what are you saying ? You don't even have a wife !"
Andy : "What ? We're talking about YOUR wife, Jake !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6s5i/jake_my_sex_life_isnt_that_bad_all_considered/
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An American is traveling around London in a cab.

They drive past the Westminster Palace.
"What building is this and how long did it take build?" Asks the American.
"This is the Westminster Palace and it took 30 or so years"
"That's way too long. In America we would've built it in under 3 years"
They drive past the St James Palace. The American asks the same question.
"This is St James Palace and it took 4 or 5 years to build"
"That's still a lot. In America we would've built it in 4 or 5 months"
They drive by the Gherkin. The American asks his question. Annoyed the driver answers:
"I don't know, it wasn't here this morning"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6rgy/an_american_is_traveling_around_london_in_a_cab/
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A couple are driving home one evening and run over a badger.

They get out the car and find its still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband says, "put it between your legs and warm it up"
Wife replies " but its all wet and it stinks" the husband replies; "well hold the badgers nose then"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6k24/a_couple_are_driving_home_one_evening_and_run/
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My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6jpj/my_grandfather_says_he_survived_mustard_gas_and/
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My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology...

So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6hfj/my_grandfather_says_im_too_reliant_on_technology/
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What do you call a mushroom that likes to gossip?

A shit-talkie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6g1g/what_do_you_call_a_mushroom_that_likes_to_gossip/
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The auditor goes to the synagogue

The auditor is on a fining spree; he went through his list and every business in town got fined for irregularities. He checks is list
done
done
done
not yet done
"What's that?" he thinks. He reads: synagogue. "I'll go there NOW"
The rabbi and all the administrators are extremely meticulous and precise; he checks everything, all the accounts and invoices and everything is flawlessly registered. There's really nothing to fine there.
He starts going out, quite disappointed, when he notices a small box.
"What's in that box?" he asks
"ah, you see sir, in our rites we use candles. We tend to spare, and at the end of the rite we collect the melted wax, and we put it in that small box. At the end of the year we send it to the candle factory, they melt everything together and they send us back four candles for free, which we use again for our rites."
The auditor wants to check. Well, the rabbi has EVERYTHING registered: the number of candles, the weight of the wax, ... there's really nothing to fine.
He starts walking through the door, even more disappointed, but there's another small box:
"what's in that box?" he asks
"ah, you see sir, in our rites we use wine. And at the end of the rites we collect all the corks, and we put them in that small box. At the end of the year we send it to the corks factory, and they send us back four corks for free, which we use again for our wine bottles."
The auditor think "this time I got you". But again, the rabbi has really EVERYTHING registered: the number of bottles, the number of corks, the weight of the corks, ... there's really really nothing to justify a fine.
He is morally destroyed, feeling like a failure. He is already on the street, and then a thought flashes in his mind:
"But Rabbi!" he asks "do you still do circumcisions here?"
"Yes". Gotcha:
"And what to you do with the leftover skin?"
The rabbi points to a wooden box:
"Yeah, we put them all together in that box, which once a year we ship to the auditing company, and they send us a dickhead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6f5r/the_auditor_goes_to_the_synagogue/
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What do you get when you cross a nun and a prostitute?

Holy fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6d7m/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_nun_and_a/
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I go to the doctors office and describe the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample
I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.
The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.
I continue to shit furniture
The nightmare goes on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6bg8/i_go_to_the_doctors_office_and_describe_the/
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Asians are so bad at driving...

That I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq6a1k/asians_are_so_bad_at_driving/
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There are 10 types of people in the world...

Those who understand binary, and those who don’t!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq69cw/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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What's the difference between a detective and a pirate?

One's a private eye, and the other is a private-ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq68yz/whats_the_difference_between_a_detective_and_a/
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I tried a new lubricant for anal sex with the wife last night. I wasn't impressed...

It was shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq64r0/i_tried_a_new_lubricant_for_anal_sex_with_the/
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Merkel, Putin and Trump take a walk along the coast of the north sea...

After a while they start talking about their military. First Trump says: "We developed a new type of submarine, that can stay a whole month under water, without having to resurface"
Merkel thinks to herself: "Shit. Our military is a joke. How am I going to compete with that?"
Next Putin proclaims: "That's nothing! We have a submarine that can remain underwater for at least 3 months!"
Merkel starts panicking and thinks: "We never invested in that stuff! This is so embarrassing"
Suddenly a submarine starts resurfacing close to them. Curious they approach it, as a man exits the submarine yelling "Heil Hitler! We require more diesel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq64aq/merkel_putin_and_trump_take_a_walk_along_the/
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Have you heard about the cult of teenage girls who worship the German physicist Georg Simon Ohm?

In schools everywhere, you can hear them praying in the hallways: "Ohm, my God!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq621y/have_you_heard_about_the_cult_of_teenage_girls/
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There was a farmer with a three legged pig ...

One day an old friend from out of town stops by for a visit.  He sees the three legged pig laying by the farmer and asks why does the pig have only three legs?
The farmer says, that pig right there?  That’s the greatest pig in the world.  One night the barn caught on fire and that pig woke my wife and I and we were able to get the horses out of the barn before they were hurt.  Such a great pig.
The friend says, that is an amazing pig, but why does it have only three legs?
The farmer says that pig right there?  That’s the greatest pig in the world.  One day I was plowing the back 40 and the tractor turned over and pinned me. I thought I was going to die right there.  That pig ran all the way home and alerted my wife who got help and freed me from under the tractor.  That pig literally saved my life.  I love that pig!
The friend says, yes, that is a wonderful pig, but why does it have only three legs?
The farmer replies, well a pig like that you don’t eat all at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq61k9/there_was_a_farmer_with_a_three_legged_pig/
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(The joke from "The Breakfast Club" that was never finished.) A naked woman walks into a bar with a female poodle under one arm and a six-foot salami under the other.

The bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink," to which the woman responds, "I sure as hell do, after what happened to me." The bartender, of course, asks what happened, and the woman says, "My boyfriend and I went up to my room when he said that he would pound his favorite bitch with his giant sausage, so I grabbed both those things and got the hell out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5xu7/the_joke_from_the_breakfast_club_that_was_never/
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I added Paul walker on Xbox…

But he spends all his time on the dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5v86/i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox/
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A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”
The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5us7/a_man_loses_his_job_and_really_needs_money/
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I think my fridge has a broken leg

Cause it’s not running..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5u7z/i_think_my_fridge_has_a_broken_leg/
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I invented a new sex position " The G.R.R.Martin"

I give her the best foreplay and when she's ready to finish it's all just a slap in her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5s3a/i_invented_a_new_sex_position_the_grrmartin/
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I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5q6g/i_dont_mind_following_rules_at_work_but_when_my/
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3 men arrive at the Pearly Gates at the exact same time.

St Peter was very curious, so he asked the first man to tell his story.
Man 1: My blood pressure is high. so my Dr put me on meds and told me to workout more. I was on my balcony riding my stationary bike when I suddenly got dizzy and fell over the balcony. Somehow I caught the balcony below, but within seconds someone came out to their balcony and started beating on my fingers! I fall from the balcony and land in the bushes. I was alive! As I’m processing what just happened, I look up and see a fridge come over the balcony and crushes me.
St Peter: Wow, that’s something. What about you?
Man 2: I was suspicious of my wife cheating, so I came home early from work today and found my wife naked in bed. Now either housewives lay around all day naked with candles burning and Barry White playing, or something was up. I searched the apartment but couldn’t find anything. That’s when I heard a noise on the balcony. I go outside and see someone hanging off the edge, so I start beating his hands until he falls... BUT HE DIDNT DIE! So I grabbed the fridge and rolled it right over the balcony. Right as it crushed the guy, I had a heart attack and died.
St Peters: Uhhh, interesting, and you?
Man 3: Imagine yourself naked in a fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5nfi/3_men_arrive_at_the_pearly_gates_at_the_exact/
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A naive and beautiful young girl is walking along the street in the countryside.

A naive, beautiful, conservatively dressed young girl is walking along the street in the countryside.
A man, wearing sunglasses and driving a sport car stops by:
"do you need a lift?"
She's intimidated by the sport car and the confident demeanour of this man, but she accepts, and they start getting to know each other.
"it's very nice that you pick me up in such a car. it's a long way home from here"
"it's a pleasure babe".
"what do you do?" she asks
"I'm a DJ and speaker at the radio" he answers.
She's delighted: "oh really? It's so cool. I always listen to the radio. Do you also have those show with song requests for birthdays?"
"yes, I do those kind of shows, we receive song requests for birthdays. Have you ever tried?"
Embarrassing silence follows. Somethings is in her head, and she gains courage to say it:
"well you see... I always wanted to call and request a song, but I heard it's always hard to get a place, there's a lot of people requesting... and I sort of don't know how this kind of things work, maybe I have to speak live and then don't know what to say. But I always wanted to do it... today is also my little sister's birthday..."
"well, babe, we could change this, don't you think? She'd be very happy, and you too" wink wink
He starts to sort of take a long route, apparently driving where no one can see, his intentions are clear.
"where are we going?"
"you see, babe, you could do something for me, and maybe I could get you a fast lane to do what you want for your sister's birthday..."
She starts getting it, but she is not sure, the situation is so intimidating, but also exciting, and she sort of want to do it - for her dear sister.
He parks the car in the middle of nowhere, stops the engine, and starts unzipping his jeans. She is scared, doesn't know what to do, it's all so new.
"what worries you, babe?"
"Well you see I've never done this sort of things, I'm embarrassed, I'm just a girl from the countryside, I... I don't really know if..."
He knows his way in reassuring a scared woman: "don't worry babe, you'll be fine, there's nothing you can do wrong, just be yourself. Think of your sister. you'll make her day"
He proceeds to take his genitals out. She freaks out internally, but thinks to herself "whatever, I'll do it for her". She looks into his eyes, he looks into her eyes, reassuring and firm. She starts to get her mouth close to his penis. She opens her mouth:
*"Hello, I want to dedicate the next song to my sister for her birthday, it's a very special day and I love her with all my heart and ..."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5n2d/a_naive_and_beautiful_young_girl_is_walking_along/
%
Why arent koalas actual bears?

They dont meet the koalafications

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5lb6/why_arent_koalas_actual_bears/
%
I was being interviewed for a job the other day. One of the questions was 'Where do you see your self 12 months from now?'.

I said 'I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5kzs/i_was_being_interviewed_for_a_job_the_other_day/
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My neighbors started makes sex videos.

They just don't know it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5jy7/my_neighbors_started_makes_sex_videos/
%
Why do cows never work in restaurants?

They hate getting tipped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5hjy/why_do_cows_never_work_in_restaurants/
%
Indian parents can never like OnePlus

Because it tells you to 'Never Settle'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5gh9/indian_parents_can_never_like_oneplus/
%
Why did the music teacher get fired?

He was fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5g6b/why_did_the_music_teacher_get_fired/
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How do you circumcise a guy from Alabama?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5etw/how_do_you_circumcise_a_guy_from_alabama/
%
What's brown and runny?

Usain bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq5agh/whats_brown_and_runny/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq59ay/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
what was hitler's least favorite drink?

juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq58w0/what_was_hitlers_least_favorite_drink/
%
My kitty ate a sports award. Would it be very bad to just wait and let him poop it out?

I'm thinking it would be a cat ass trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq50ek/my_kitty_ate_a_sports_award_would_it_be_very_bad/
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Did u know about the invention of a shovel

It was ground breaking (old joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq4xqp/did_u_know_about_the_invention_of_a_shovel/
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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq4wza/i_caught_two_kids_smoking_pot_outside_my_office/
%
Which dog knows how to swim underwater?

Scuba-doo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq4v24/which_dog_knows_how_to_swim_underwater/
%
Getting a job is like getting a credit card: you need one to get one

Of course, neither matters if you’re a drug dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq4syo/getting_a_job_is_like_getting_a_credit_card_you/
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French Intelligence agencies are pleased to announce today that they have developed very sophisticated Yves-dropping techniques.

Unfortunately, Yves did not survive the fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq4rv2/french_intelligence_agencies_are_pleased_to/
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A vegan a feminist and a gay person walk into a bar. How did you know all this?

They all told you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq4ro5/a_vegan_a_feminist_and_a_gay_person_walk_into_a/
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I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”

The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq4rib/i_showed_my_damaged_luggage_to_a_lawyer_and_said/
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yo mama so fat

Thanos had to clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq4rdv/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
Deer

A deer walks into a bar and leaves an hour and a half later, she says
“Whew! I can’t believe I just blew fifty bucks!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq4hhb/deer/
%
Mike, Barry and Gary goes exploring the jungle...

On their way they get abducted by an indigenous tribe. The Queen of the tribe said that she will let them go if they can find something to eat that she likes. So each of them went into the jungle with two guards from the tribe to find something that the queen will like.
First one to come back was Mike, he came back with a bag of grapes, the queen tasted one and immediately spat it out, she then ordered the two guards to shove the rest of the grapes up his ass, after 10 minutes of Mike crying from pain the guards finally finished shoving all the grapes up his ass.
The second one to come back was Barry, and he came back with a bag of Apples, the Queen didn’t like apples either so she ordered the two guards to shove the apples up Barry’s ass, only this time Barry was laughing hysterically, Mike asked “i only had grapes up my ass and i was crying , why are you laughing when you’re having apples up your ass” to which Barry replied “Gary is coming back with a bag of watermelons “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq4cyk/mike_barry_and_gary_goes_exploring_the_jungle/
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When God was creating man he said to assistant

Put little toe on his feet too.
Assistant: why?
God: for furniture.
Assistant: furniture?
God: just put it on you will see it would be pretty funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq4cit/when_god_was_creating_man_he_said_to_assistant/
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An uneducated father with his educated son

went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see.
Son- I see millions of stars.
Father- And what does that tell you?
Son- Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets.
Father slaps the son hard and says- "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"
MORAL:
Too much education can spoil our common sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq4cbs/an_uneducated_father_with_his_educated_son/
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What did Jay-Z say when Beyonce released Lemonade?

I got 100 problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq48v2/what_did_jayz_say_when_beyonce_released_lemonade/
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A worker on the Titanic comes to the captain.

Worker: Sir we have hit an iceberg.
Captain: So?
Worker: I don't think you understand. Just let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq47eg/a_worker_on_the_titanic_comes_to_the_captain/
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Bro, do you know a synonym for pamphlet?

Brochure!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq46dh/bro_do_you_know_a_synonym_for_pamphlet/
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My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.

Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq45bd/my_friends_always_make_fun_of_me_for_having_an/
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I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again

It

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq43mh/ive_said_it_before_and_ill_say_it_again/
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What do you call a row of bunnies replanting their garden?

A reseeding hareline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq42l3/what_do_you_call_a_row_of_bunnies_replanting/
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Caught with gas

I saw a newspaper headline about a bloke in court after being busted stealing a gas bottle.
The judge gave him a suspended sentence.
The headline was: "Caught with gas, man let off lightly."
(true story)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq3yhx/caught_with_gas/
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This dude goes to the doctor and says "I have a tiny penis"

The Dr says "don't worry, everyone is different". So the dude drops his pants the Dr he erupts with laughter!
"Jesus you weren't kidding!" says the Dr. "So what's the problem"?
"It's really swollen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq3w7v/this_dude_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_i_have_a/
%
A forgetful man was on his way to a party...

On the way, he remembered he had to go to the store to pick up some cups. There was a huge wait line for the till.
Later, he also remembered he had to go deposit some cash at the bank. The machines were broken, so he had to wait in another huge line.
Then, he remembered he needed to pick up a cake from the bakery. Again, there were so many people and he had to wait in a huge line.
When he finally got to the party, he just wanted to get some punch to drink. And luckily:
There was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq3vxq/a_forgetful_man_was_on_his_way_to_a_party/
%
I knock on the front door of my fridge

just in case there’s a salad dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq3ve8/i_knock_on_the_front_door_of_my_fridge/
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I remember studying Pavlov in school and thinking, "Those stupid dogs."

and then the bell went and we all had lunch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq3sg1/i_remember_studying_pavlov_in_school_and_thinking/
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What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq3qxr/what_do_you_call_a_dictionary_on_drugs/
%
Why do bisexual people make the best baseball players?

Because they can swing both ways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq3ges/why_do_bisexual_people_make_the_best_baseball/
%
My girlfriend has started requesting ribbed, flavored, and glow-in-the-dark condoms instead of being satisfied with regular ones.

I can't keep up with the drastic changes in Lifestyles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq3epw/my_girlfriend_has_started_requesting_ribbed/
%
In US, you make jokes about politicians.

In Russia, politicians makes jokes about you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq3emd/in_us_you_make_jokes_about_politicians/
%
What was the official insect of the Soviet Union?

The cagey bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq3ef6/what_was_the_official_insect_of_the_soviet_union/
%
Viagra: it won’t make you James Bond...

But it’ll make you Roger Moore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq3dgk/viagra_it_wont_make_you_james_bond/
%
Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq37it/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed?

So they wouldn't talk in their sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq36oz/why_did_the_italian_wear_handcuffs_to_bed/
%
I was stopped at the border by a guard who asked me "do you have any weapons?"

I said, "what do you need?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq33lh/i_was_stopped_at_the_border_by_a_guard_who_asked/
%
Your son was making fun of me

- Is that true son? What does papa say whenever he makes a mistake?
- “I am a piece of shit, please don’t leave me.”
- Not that! The other thing...
- Ah! “sorry”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq332d/your_son_was_making_fun_of_me/
%
The Marvel Universe is rumored to have a gay character.

I'm no expert but from the trailer alone I'm pretty sure it's Rocketman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq30sg/the_marvel_universe_is_rumored_to_have_a_gay/
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What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Doyouthinkhesaurus?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2zem/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_with_no_eyes/
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My Father used to say that there are four rules for getting married:

You need a woman who loves you unconditionally, a woman who will always challenge you, a woman who you always want to make love to and most importantly, you have to make sure that none of those women ever meet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2z07/my_father_used_to_say_that_there_are_four_rules/
%
What did the galaxy order at the Mexican restaurant?

A quasardilla

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2y18/what_did_the_galaxy_order_at_the_mexican/
%
Genie: what are your 3 wishes ?

me: make every word 4 letters long
geni: wish gran
meee: make ever word star with "br"
brni: brsh bran
bree: brke brer brrd brnd brth "uh"
bruh: bruh bruh
bruh: bruh bruh bruh
bruh: bruh bruh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2xk4/genie_what_are_your_3_wishes/
%
A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start.

He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver.
"But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2vxb/a_judge_was_annoyed_to_find_that_his_car_wouldnt/
%
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a chest full of gold coins...

I was about to run in to tell my wife but then I remembered why I was digging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2vpj/i_was_digging_a_hole_in_my_backyard_when_i_found/
%
How do you name your child in Alabama?

Putyour Dickinson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2slq/how_do_you_name_your_child_in_alabama/
%
I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.

She said: "They're right behind you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2rv4/i_walked_into_the_library_and_asked_the_librarian/
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Women really hold grudges.

My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2qg0/women_really_hold_grudges/
%
My friend just became the World Champion in competitive origami.

He’s great at folding under pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2p42/my_friend_just_became_the_world_champion_in/
%
Two cannibals were eating a clown.

The first cannibal turns to the second and says, “does it taste funny to you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2njd/two_cannibals_were_eating_a_clown/
%
What job does a Trans-woman have?

A postman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2mjz/what_job_does_a_transwoman_have/
%
Why did the Alabamian man stop his wife from getting an abortion?

Because he didn't want his nephew to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2lcm/why_did_the_alabamian_man_stop_his_wife_from/
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Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘
As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks ‚Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.‘
Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees. Furiously, she shouts: ‚This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp?‘
Calmly, Putin answers: ‚Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasn‘t noticed yet.‘
Edit 1: Fixed a typo
Edit 2: Thanks for the silver, kind stranger! Also, hi r/awardspeechedits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2hs8/angela_merkel_vladimir_putin_and_donald_trump_are/
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Horoscope

Sagittarius: Today you will have a quarrel with  Leo.
Leo: Sagittarius is bitching about you behind your back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2hg2/horoscope/
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What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?

A Juan on Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2hci/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_standoff_with_only_2/
%
I have a horse called Mayo and a groom called Miracle.

Mayo neighs when Miracle whips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq2eba/i_have_a_horse_called_mayo_and_a_groom_called/
%
What’s the difference between losing a van and losing a painting?

You’ll either be asking “Where’d the van go?” or “Where’d the Van Gogh go?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq1vx1/whats_the_difference_between_losing_a_van_and/
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Little Johnny

’s next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny’s dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, “Now, son…that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I’m really going to spank your butt when we get back home.” I promise not to mention his ears at all,” said Little Johnny.
At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby’s hand. He looked at it’s mother and said, “Oh, what a beautiful little baby!” The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny’s comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, “Thank you very much, Little Johnny.” He then said,” This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.
Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good? The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies “Why, yes… his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?”
Little Johnny said, “Well, it’s a good thing, cause he’d be screwed if he needed to wear glasses.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq11la/little_johnny/
%
A blonde walks into a sex shop

She goes to the toys and starts browsing at the dildos, after a few minutes the cashier comes and ask her what she's looking for.
"Well I have multiple toys, and nothing really seems to satisfy me" she says.
As she says that she hears an awful racket coming from the back, "What's that?" she ask.
"Oh that's the new toy we just got in and it seems perfect for you!" the cashier responds.
"What is it?" she ask.
"It's called the voodoo dildo. To activate it you say, 'voodoo dildo on' then you say the hole you want it to go in, for example, 'voodoo dildo my pussy." he explained.
"That sounds great! I'll take it!" she says with excitement.
On her drive home it turns on for some odd reason, so she thought she'd try it, "Voodoo dildo my pussy." she calls out.
The dildo starts screwing her and giving it to her the best she's ever had. As she's riding down the road, she starts to swerve all over the road and gets the attention of a cop. The cop pulls her over walks up to her car where she's still squirming in extacy.
"So what's going on here mam? You was swerving all over the road and into the other lane." he ask.
"Oh its just my new dildo, it's called the voodoo dildo and it'll start to screw whatever you tell it too." she explained to the officer.
The officer looks her straight into her eyes thinking she was drunk or something and yells, "VOODOO DILDO MY ASS!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq0z8y/a_blonde_walks_into_a_sex_shop/
%
Short and sweet cannibal joke

Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore... I ate the last one yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq0206/short_and_sweet_cannibal_joke/
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NSFW - What's the difference between a penis and a rifle?

A child stops crying when a rifle goes off in its mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq01se/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_penis_and_a/
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Hey did you hear about those dyslexic devil worshippers?

Yeah, they sold their souls to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bq00nn/hey_did_you_hear_about_those_dyslexic_devil/
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They say if you're the smartest person in the room you're in the wrong room

That's why I'm always asked to leave the women's room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzxz5/they_say_if_youre_the_smartest_person_in_the_room/
%
How do you make a band stand?

**Take away the chairs.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzxh1/how_do_you_make_a_band_stand/
%
Scat Fetish Acceptance

Now that's a movement I can get behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzxcm/scat_fetish_acceptance/
%
The Ultimate Dad Joke said by a Mom

There was a beautiful, young woman named May. May Elizabeth to be precise.
May Elizabeth married a young man named Jack Johnson. She kept her maiden name, and stayed May Elizabeth.
This couple had a girl, and named her after the mother; May Elizabeth Jr. Now, May Elizabeth Jr finds herself a man, and she marries. They too have a little girl, also named May. May Elizabeth III.
May Elizabeth III found herself a husband, and they married. She wanted to keep her maiden name, but her spouse wasn’t too fond of it. May Elizabeth III pleaded, saying that he will understand in a few years. He finally agreed, and she stays May Elizabeth III.
They had a child, and again named May. May Elizabeth IIII. 16 years into the future, and it’s prom night. A nice young man shows up at the door, ultimately asking May Elizabeth IIII to prom. He asks both of her parents, as they stand beside her, if he has permission to take their daughter to prom.
The father is about to say something, but she stops him. He is confused, but notices May Elizabeth III has a smirk on her face. Her face lights up as she says: “May the fourth be with you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzx5h/the_ultimate_dad_joke_said_by_a_mom/
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Two men are standing a heavens gate...

.. The queue is moving slow and they get talking to one another.
"So how did you wind up here?", the first man asks the second.
The second man sighs and says, "I froze to death."
"Did it hurt? “ asked the first.
" Not really. You get cold, then sleepy, then just drift off and never wake up. What about you?" he says.
" it's kind of embarrassing" the first man says.
"Try me", the second man replies.
"Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me so I left work early and tried to catch her off guard. As soon as I got home I ran upstairs to the bedroom to see if I could catch her in the act. She was sitting on her chair knitting COMPLETELY NAKED. I knew something was up so I rushed to the basement. I didn't find anything so I hurried to the attic. Again nothing, so I ran round the house and down to the cellar. NOTHING. So I ran to go back to me wife. Sure enough, all the running took its toll and on the way up the stairs I had a heart attack, fell down the stairs, and died."
The second man begins to chuckle.
The first man frowns," I don't see why that's funny?"
"Hell, if you'd only stopped to check the icebox maybe we'd both still be alive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzwyg/two_men_are_standing_a_heavens_gate/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzww1/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
A kid walk into a library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.

Librarian replies, "Hard back?"
The kid, Yea, with little heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzpv9/a_kid_walk_into_a_library_and_asks_the_librarian/
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Just as ordered

"Look at this mess!" roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.
"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly.
"What do you mean?" barked the customer.
"You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzoga/just_as_ordered/
%
I asked 100 women what bodywash did they prefer

99 said get the fuck out of my shower you pervert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzmsw/i_asked_100_women_what_bodywash_did_they_prefer/
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What did the person with horrible music taste say to the person who stole their coin?

Hey can I have my nickelback?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzk18/what_did_the_person_with_horrible_music_taste_say/
%
A new mummy has just been discovered in Egypt! It was found covered in chocolate and nuts.

They believe he was called Pharaoh Rocher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzikh/a_new_mummy_has_just_been_discovered_in_egypt_it/
%
Surprise sex is a an awesome way to be woken up.

Unless you’re in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzdkq/surprise_sex_is_a_an_awesome_way_to_be_woken_up/
%
Why are most archeologists women?

Because they love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzc5j/why_are_most_archeologists_women/
%
Tolkien took 12 years to finish Lord of the Rings, a sequel to The Hobbit. No one can break that record for a fantasy sequel...

George RR Martin: Hold my beard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzbx3/tolkien_took_12_years_to_finish_lord_of_the_rings/
%
I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl.

They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzbw1/i_told_my_friends_im_going_on_a_date_with_a_cute/
%
My uncle tells this one all the time.

Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
Person most likely answers: with a pink elephant gun.?
A: No! Hold it’s trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpzazz/my_uncle_tells_this_one_all_the_time/
%
Why did the Scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpz5pd/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.

Is it a hymn or a her?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpz2f5/kim_kardashian_and_kanye_west_have_named_their/
%
What's the difference between me and my couch?

My couch pulls out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpyzbc/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_my_couch/
%
Wanna hear a bad airplane joke?

It never lands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpywf8/wanna_hear_a_bad_airplane_joke/
%
There was a great TV show about lumberjacks.

But it got axed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpyv5r/there_was_a_great_tv_show_about_lumberjacks/
%
What's the best place to get scrubs?

The passenger's side of their best friend's rides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpyv5d/whats_the_best_place_to_get_scrubs/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I don't know how they got in there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpyt27/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A pirate walks into a bar, like he does every Saturday.

The bartender, unfamiliar with the pirate’s new look asks, “What happened to you? You look horrible!”
The pirate replies with “I got in a fight with another pirate crew and just barely made it out alive.”
B: “What happened to your hand?”
P: “The captain of the enemy crew chopped it off in the duel.”
B: “Well, what about your foot?”
P: “The poop deck swabber chopped off my foot in the duel.”
B: “Ok, what about your eye?”
P: “A bird pooped on it.”
B: “Ummm, how does that have anything to do with how it was removed from your skull?”
P: “Well, I wasn’t quite used to that hook yet...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpyrad/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_like_he_does_every/
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Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpyqkq/is_google_male_or_female/
%
Why do Slavic names end in ski?

Because they'd sound funny if they ended in toboggan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpyqja/why_do_slavic_names_end_in_ski/
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Reciprocating Oral Sex is Important

So I get 1/10th of a blowjob every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpyqa2/reciprocating_oral_sex_is_important/
%
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
“We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What did he say?"
"He said: 'Where did you get the shitty hairdo?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpyq9e/a_woman_was_at_her_hairdressers_getting_her_hair/
%
Why couldn’t the expectant mother cow run?

It didn’t have calves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpyp0y/why_couldnt_the_expectant_mother_cow_run/
%
What do you call the ghost of a homeless man?

A hoboo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpyo40/what_do_you_call_the_ghost_of_a_homeless_man/
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What happens to the crew when a red pirate ship and a blue pirate ship crash into each other?

They get marooned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpyn1l/what_happens_to_the_crew_when_a_red_pirate_ship/
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I slept with a fat dyslexic woman last night

She gave me carbs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpygw6/i_slept_with_a_fat_dyslexic_woman_last_night/
%
A farmer gets a phone call from his son.

"I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive." "Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it." About 20mins later he gets another call..." "Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpygh8/a_farmer_gets_a_phone_call_from_his_son/
%
A straight man walks into a room with James Charles and J.K. Rowling



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpygfv/a_straight_man_walks_into_a_room_with_james/
%
There’s a puzzle book which says 5-6 years.

But I solved it under six months!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpydae/theres_a_puzzle_book_which_says_56_years/
%
I failed my ventriloquists exam.

I can’t say I’m surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpxzl5/i_failed_my_ventriloquists_exam/
%
Son: Dad, why do good people die young?

Dad: When you're in a garden, which flowers do you pick?
Son: The ugly ones.
Dad: Exac--- wait, what? Why?
Son: Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpxzbv/son_dad_why_do_good_people_die_young/
%
How many babies does it take to paint a barn?

Depends how hard you throw them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpxtvx/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_barn/
%
I dreamt of rafting thru an orange river

But it was just a fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpxcvz/i_dreamt_of_rafting_thru_an_orange_river/
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Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpxbmj/why_did_the_mexican_push_his_wife_off_a_cliff/
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Do you wanna know why my tea is so strong?

Because it’s my tea.
(Yes, this is a joke, not something stoopid.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpxav7/do_you_wanna_know_why_my_tea_is_so_strong/
%
Why couldn’t the Buddha vacuum underneath his couch?

He had no attatchments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpx5ok/why_couldnt_the_buddha_vacuum_underneath_his_couch/
%
Have you heard about that anti-vax joke?

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpx4v0/have_you_heard_about_that_antivax_joke/
%
Elephant Jokes

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was tied to the first elephant.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: Why did the tree fall?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Dibs to my high school theater teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpx37q/elephant_jokes/
%
What’s a vegetarian bbq party like?

They just smoke weed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpx2ux/whats_a_vegetarian_bbq_party_like/
%
If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.

Because sin90 = cot45.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwyb1/if_you_commit_90_sins_you_will_only_be_caught_for/
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A man goes to his doctor with a sore arm.

He sits down on the exam table and the doctor looks at his arm.
"What seems to be the trouble today, Mr. Wainscotting?", the doctor asks.
"Doc, I've got terrible pain starting in my bicep and extending down to my forearm." replies Mr. Wainscotting.
"Let's have a look."
The doctor examines him and can't find anything outwardly wrong so he orders xrays.
After the xrays are completed, the doc looks at them and comes up with a diagnosis.
"Mr. Wainscotting, you appear to have tendonitis, commonly referred to as 'tennis elbow'.", he reports.
"Really?  I could have treated this at home and saved the money.", said the patient, clearly annoyed.
"Have you heard about the new medical diagnostic machine they have at CVS?  It's remarkable.  For 1 dollar, it can scan affected body parts or analyze samples and give you an accurate diagnosis.", offered the doctor.
"That sounds unlikely.  But thanks for the info and visit."
Mr. Wainscotting pays his bill and leaves the office.  He goes to a CVS to get some Tylenol and notices a machine he's never seen before.
He thinks, 'Could this be the machine the doctor was talking about?'
He looks it over and sees places to put various body parts that have what look kind of like blood pressure cuffs.  There's also a receptacle to place samples for the machine to analyze.  He's intrigued.  He decides to give it a try.  He puts a dollar in and places his affected arm in one of the cuffs.  The machine beeps and boops and spits out a card that reads   'YOU HAVE TENDONITIS, COMMONLY KNOWN AS TENNIS ELBOW'
Mr. Wainscotting isn't impressed.  Surely the doctor is playing an elaborate prank on him.  He goes home and decides to put the machine to a real test.  He goes to the hamper, gets a pair of his wife's panties and takes them to the back yard.  He finds a few dog turds and picks them up with the underwear.  He brings the shit-filled panties into the bathroom and jerks off on them.  Sealing the unholy contents in a Ziploc, he heads back to the drug store.  The machine is there, ready for his sample.  He puts the bag of poo and spermy panties in the sample opening and deposits a dollar.  The machine beeps and boops and spits out another card that reads:
YOUR DOG HAS WORMS.  YOUR WIFE IS FUCKING THE MAILMAN.  AND IF YOU DON'T STOP JACKING OFF, YOU'LL NEVER GET RID OF THAT TENNIS ELBOW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwvbq/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor_with_a_sore_arm/
%
Wanna hear my joke about sodium?

On second thought, Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwult/wanna_hear_my_joke_about_sodium/
%
An American, Mexican, and Italian robbed a bank...

They escaped with a haul of dollars, pesos, and lira. Back at their hide-out, the American distributed the money in three even shares.
“1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos for you, 1000 lira for you... 1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos for you, 1000 lira for you...1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos for you, 1000 lira for you...”
As the counting continued, the Mexican whispered to the Italian:
“I can’t stand Americans, but you have to admit they are fair.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwtth/an_american_mexican_and_italian_robbed_a_bank/
%
A boat was shipwrecked in the South Pacific, as a result...

A group of people from different nationalities found themselves stranded on a remote and beautiful island. The party consisted of:
-Two Italian men and one Italian woman
-Two French men and one French woman
-Two German men and one German woman
-Two Greek men and one Greek woman
-Two English men and one English woman
-Two Irish men and one Irish woman
-Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian Woman
-Two Australian men and one Australian woman
-Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
-Two Indian men and one Indian woman
-Two American men and one American woman
-Two Canadian men and one Canadian woman
One month later against this idyllic backdrop, the following had occurred:
-One Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
-The Two French men and the French women were living happily in a ménage a trois.
-The Two German men tried to invade the French woman before eventually adopting a strict weekly schedule alternating with the German woman.
-The Two Greek men slept with each other while the Greek woman cooked and cleaned.
-The Two English men were still waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
-The Two Irish men divided the Island into North and South and set up a distillery with the Woman’s help.
-The Two Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean and one at the Bulgarian woman... then started swimming.
-The Two Australian men tried to sell the Australian woman in return for a homemade beer recipe.
-The Two Japanese men had faxed Tokyo and were awaiting instructions.
-The Two Indian men had opened a corner store, staffed 24/7 by them and the Indian woman.
-The Two American men were feeling suicidal since the American woman was constantly complaining about there being no fresh bottles water, she was allergic to seafood, and coconut milk was not her preferred moisturizer, and she felt fat standing next to palm trees.
-And finally the Canadians were all blissfully happy... simply because the Americans weren’t having a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwrxr/a_boat_was_shipwrecked_in_the_south_pacific_as_a/
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They say there is a 50/50 chance to have a female on the opposite side of the gloryhole

Right now I really hope that is a woma'ns penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwqjh/they_say_there_is_a_5050_chance_to_have_a_female/
%
People told me fucking 3rd cousins is acceptable.

One more to go :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpworr/people_told_me_fucking_3rd_cousins_is_acceptable/
%
The Harley, Vaseline, and The Dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.  He doesn't have much luck, until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he
kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.  Just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.
When we eat dinner, we don't talk.  In fact, the FIRST person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the
corridor, everywhere he looks.  Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.  No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and makes love her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her Dad is obviously livid and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and
makes love to her like s she never had before every which way right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to
ear.  But still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. c
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.  I'll do the fuckin dishes!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwnpj/the_harley_vaseline_and_the_dishes/
%
Why are elevators always angry?

Because everyone keeps pushing their buttons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwn2c/why_are_elevators_always_angry/
%
The cook promised a chicken that he will spare its life if it can guess their location.

In a state of panic, the chicken asked "What's going to happen to my family?!" The cook looked down with disappointment smeared on his face. "Help! Help!" the chicken clucked for his final minutes have arrived. "I need your guess now," said the cook as the deep frier began to sizzle. "A volcano, the sun, HELL!", it screamed as his tears caused the oil to splatter. "Oh my god, how hot is that?!" it asked. "About 375", said the cook. With its seemingly last breath, the chicken asked "K? F? C?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwkaz/the_cook_promised_a_chicken_that_he_will_spare/
%
A Vampire Walks into a Bar

The bartender says "What'll you have?"
Vampire says "A cup of warm blood please."
Bartender says "Warm blood? Why would you want that?"
Vampire replies "I'm a vampire, thats what we drink. You asked what I wanted, thats what I want.
Bartender says "OK" and gets the vampire his blood.
Second vampire walks into the bar, bartender asks him what he wants, and is again requested warm blood.
Bartender shakes his head and gets the vampire his blood.
Third vampire walks in, bartender says "Let me guess, you're a vampire and you want a glass of warm blood"
Vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Actually, I'd like a cup of water water, I'm in the mood for tea today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwiri/a_vampire_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words

Stop shaking the ladder, you little bastard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwipg/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
%
What do you call a large mammal that no one thinks about?

An Irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwfwp/what_do_you_call_a_large_mammal_that_no_one/
%
You can't run through a campground

You could only ran, because it's past tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwfcu/you_cant_run_through_a_campground/
%
A man goes to a brothel

He asks the hookers in the doorway: "Do you have a colleague with a really bad STD?"
The girls whisper a little and then say: "Yes, we know someone: Melissa."
The guy then proceeds to walk in, but the two girls call him back with a question: "Why do you need a hooker with a STD?"
"Well," the guy says, "tonight I'm going to have sex with my girlfriend, who has an affair with our neighbour. Then, when he has sex with his wife, she gets the STD too. Well, she has an affair with a buddy of mine and I need to teach that fucker a lesson 'cause he killed our cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwd8z/a_man_goes_to_a_brothel/
%
Why don’t we ever see elephants hiding behind cars

Because they’re good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwbsa/why_dont_we_ever_see_elephants_hiding_behind_cars/
%
Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

Well, you got to hand it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwbdy/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_prostitute/
%
What do you call a broken Lizard

A reptile disfuncion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpwa7d/what_do_you_call_a_broken_lizard/
%
A wife is speaking to her husband...

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.
Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier.
Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes.
Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpw8qw/a_wife_is_speaking_to_her_husband/
%
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpw790/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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Frank always looked on the bright side.

He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, It could have been worse. To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!That's awful, said Frank, but it could have been worse. How in the hell, asked his bewildered friend, could it have been worse? Well, replied Frank, if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpw4wg/frank_always_looked_on_the_bright_side/
%
Music producers are basically like a pizza business.

They both make dough from mixers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpw2mp/music_producers_are_basically_like_a_pizza/
%
How can you tell your boyfriend is getting fat?

He can fit into your husband's clothes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpvx0u/how_can_you_tell_your_boyfriend_is_getting_fat/
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I’m all for same-sex marriage ...

having the same sex would be much better than a no-sex marriage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpvtxh/im_all_for_samesex_marriage/
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What do you call a group of electrons working as spies between atoms

Bond, Covalent bond

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpvrrz/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_electrons_working_as/
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Hitler's Blindfolding Game

During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family.
He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men.
They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family.
This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpvr82/hitlers_blindfolding_game/
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What's the difference between a bobcat and a cougar?

You ride a Bobcat, a cougar rides you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpvp8i/whats_the_difference_between_a_bobcat_and_a_cougar/
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”  “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”  They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpvngy/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
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A blonde goes to a hospital with both ears burnt.

The doctor looks and says "ooof, what happened there?"
The blonde, in pain tells the doctor "I was ironing while the phone rang and mistakenly I have put my iron on my ear instead of the phone."
The doctor rather confused, asked the blonde "so what happened to the other ear?"
To which the blond with anger replied "the bastard phoned back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpvl0t/a_blonde_goes_to_a_hospital_with_both_ears_burnt/
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A teenager comes home from a party and is drunk

His mom is knows this and asks "are you drunk?" The kid denies it, shakng his head and saying "I'm not drunk." The mom comes up with a test and says, "alright then, tell the time." The kid walks over to the clock and says "I'm not drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpvjmq/a_teenager_comes_home_from_a_party_and_is_drunk/
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So McDonalds now have ‘The Alabama Chicken’

Even the chicken is inbred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpvjaq/so_mcdonalds_now_have_the_alabama_chicken/
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Like a good neighbor...

Stay over there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpvefx/like_a_good_neighbor/
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Children are like cheap hookers.

They'll do almost anything for 5 bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpvd7r/children_are_like_cheap_hookers/
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Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpv81u/trumpets_and_guns/
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Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!

Way fewer bars!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpv754/since_getting_sober_i_decided_to_go_with_the/
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A man wakes up one morning and tells his wife "I had an unusual sex dream about you last night."

"What was unusual about it?" she asks.
"Well, for one thing we were actually having sex."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpv49l/a_man_wakes_up_one_morning_and_tells_his_wife_i/
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How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpv179/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_wall_red/
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Never challenge death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpuyl6/never_challenge_death_to_a_pillow_fight/
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The best jokes are the ones that get you at the end.

One day, Ishmahel, a 40+ year old jew went to the synagogue for the first time in years.
He sat down with a huge frown on his face and quietly stared praying;
“Oh Lord, I know I haven’t always been the best man I could be, but I also haven’t been the worst... I’m in some really deep shit, I owe the loan sharks a ton of money but I just can’t find it... If you could please answer this call, by letting me win the lottery, I would forever be faithful and never ask anything ever again from you.”
A week passes and he returns to the synagogue;” Father, I’m still in debt, I really need to win this weak, my children are starving and my house, my house...”
Another week passes and Ishmahel is back at the synagogue.This time he’s on his knees ;”Oh Mighty one, I really don’t see a light anymore... I think i might be joining you up there soon...”
Suddenly, through the tainted glass, he sees the clouds break and a shimmering light coming through on to him.A graceful voice from above resounds;”Oh heimee, I’d like to help you Ishmahel, but at least try.Meet me half way and buy a ticket!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpuy6j/the_best_jokes_are_the_ones_that_get_you_at_the/
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I read a book about the digestive system..

The ending was shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bputij/i_read_a_book_about_the_digestive_system/
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How do you call a boy that grew really fast?

Boy that escalated quickly.
I'm sorry...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpukcz/how_do_you_call_a_boy_that_grew_really_fast/
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3 men got to heaven

(English is not my native language, so please excuse any mistakes)
3 men died in an accident and got to heaven. They met God, who said that they would get a vehicle each. What it would be were decided based of how faithful the men had been to their wifes.
The first man looked down and said in a shameful tone "I've been cheating on my wife 5 times."
God nods "Then you will get an average Volvo!"
The next man sighs before speaking up "I've only cheated on my wife once, but I regret it every day!"
Again, God nods "Then you will get a BMW!"
The last man speaks up "I've never cheated on my wife! Ever since I first saw her, I've never been interested in any other woman!"
Again, but with a smile, God nods "Be proud, young man. You will get a Lamborghini!"
A few weeks later, the first 2 men see their friend sitting on the pavement, bawling his eyes out.
"What's the matter, man? You have the best car here! Why are you crying?"
The third man says, between sobs "I just saw my wife... She didn't have a car... She was rolling on a skateboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpuee5/3_men_got_to_heaven/
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I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday

Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpub8d/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_yesterday/
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Teresa May dies...

Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts her to an elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and she finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it her dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped her out over the years.......
The whole of the "Right" was there. Everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to May with a frosty drink, "Have a Marguerita and relax, Theresa!"
"Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight" says May, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, Theresa: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
May takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad.
They are having such a great time that, before she realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as May steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, she is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours May is made to chill with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, she doesn't see anybody she knows, and she isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to May, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff.
"Whoa," she says uncomfortably to herself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, May
reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all - but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like Middlesborough.
She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to May and puts an arm around her shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked May, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and
caviar....drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpu7pq/teresa_may_dies/
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A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.

He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.
The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in bed covers. She goes into her house and finds her son hauling what covers remain out the door.
"Jeffrey!" she exclaims, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"
"You don't know?" the kid says, "Sheet posts are the best way to get the car, ma!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpu7mq/a_15_year_old_boy_turns_16_tomorrow/
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A young boy is jogging away from school, with tears running down his eyes, sobbing. He enters a house and...

Says "Mom! Mom! Evrryone in my school keeps calling me distracted"
The woman replies
"They are probably right my boy because your house is on the other side of the street"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpu588/a_young_boy_is_jogging_away_from_school_with/
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As I watched an ongoing fued between two YouTube makeup influencers I couldnt help but wonder...

Was this because their relationship was based on a bad foundation?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpu449/as_i_watched_an_ongoing_fued_between_two_youtube/
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A young guy is buying condoms for the first time...

The pharmacy he goes to is in a high-crime area, so frequently stolen things like condoms are kept behind the counter.  He sees a sign advertising condoms for $6.99 a box.  Nervously, he approaches the counter.
"I'd like one box of condoms please."
"Certainly," says the pharmacist. "Anything else?
"Not unless you think I need anything else."
"Okay then - with the tax, that'll be $7.55."
"TAX?!"  The man freaks out.  "I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpu3y3/a_young_guy_is_buying_condoms_for_the_first_time/
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My math teacher called me average.

How mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpu36b/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
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What’s the worst thing you can do to a blind man??

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bptwxs/whats_the_worst_thing_you_can_do_to_a_blind_man/
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What do you call a dinosaur without gold?

Dinosr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bptu7x/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_without_gold/
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Cannibals (U probably heard this before)

3 people wash up on a cannibal island. The cannibals said they wouldn't eat the people if they came back with 10 fruit. The first guy comes back with 10 apples, thr cannibals say that if u get all 10 apples up ur ass without making a sound u will survive. He gets to the 3rd one and screams so they kill and eat him. The next guy comes back with 10 grapes, the cannibals say the same, shove the grapes without making a sound. He gets to the 9th one and burst out laughing. While going up to heaven he sees the first guy who ask the 2nd guy why did u start laughing and the 2nd guy says "I saw the 3rd guy coming back with pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpttwa/cannibals_u_probably_heard_this_before/
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I’m not saying global warming is real...

But the weather was a lot more consistent when people were sacrificing newborn babies to the sun god!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bptt6x/im_not_saying_global_warming_is_real/
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What did the red grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bptmy1/what_did_the_red_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
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What did the cell say to his sibling when she stepped on his toe?

Mitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bptim8/what_did_the_cell_say_to_his_sibling_when_she/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I haven't paid 1000$ to have a garbanzo bean on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpthwa/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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Batman always had a soft spot for Mr. Freeze.

He always thought he looked cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpt9s2/batman_always_had_a_soft_spot_for_mr_freeze/
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Repost Joke #781

Hahaha that one’s a classic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpt8v3/repost_joke_781/
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The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpt824/the_police_stopped_me_came_up_to_my_window_and/
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I’ll only knock up antivaxxers

Because 8 years of child support is better than 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpt79d/ill_only_knock_up_antivaxxers/
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Today I was awakened with oral sex

.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpt6zb/today_i_was_awakened_with_oral_sex/
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My girlfriend said, "I want a ring."

I said, "Take your phone off silent."
That's when the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpsxff/my_girlfriend_said_i_want_a_ring/
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On day while the old fisherman went down to the docks he notices something different

At his usual spot, he sees the USS. Virginia with scratches and bullet holes, he goes up the vessel and asks a soldier on deck what happened "We got ambushed a commie coming back from Europe" the soldier says "Well get off my spot!" replied the fisherman "Hot damn! Calm your ass, and no!". In a rage, the fisherman storms onto the ship and starts to fish. The soldier not caring leaves him be. The next day as the fisherman comes back and see a fence expecting the worse he brought wire cutter, swiftly he cuts and cuts and cuts, then get in to go fish. The commander only notices the clipped gate after the fisherman had left. Furious he calls the mayor, being privileged with the ship on his docks he hires the best security guards, The Administrators. So the next as the fisherman goes down he sees an admin, and himself being a master of martial arts he knocks the guard unconscious.  The mayor as furious as the commander decides to arm the admin and hire another 80. He thought this plan was flawless he even fenced the ocean by the ship, it was fail-proof. But the fisherman never left he was hiding under the dock just fishing away, but to piss them off and to make it look like he left he clipped the fence. So he did it, day in and out, even more, guards and even more guns, but to no avail, it didn't work. The mayor finally made a statement to the commander "None of these fucking mods is stopping us from reposting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpsx4b/on_day_while_the_old_fisherman_went_down_to_the/
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road,"explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"
“At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?"  Repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again, “with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .......
"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpsstz/a_duck_walks_into_a_pub_and_orders_a_pint_of_beer/
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When I was a kid, I used to hate gym class.

I hated the whole locker room; I was never comfortable taking off my clothes in front of other young boys.
Now that I'm a priest, I don't mind so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpspv4/when_i_was_a_kid_i_used_to_hate_gym_class/
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What's a Redditor's favorite kind of vehicle, favorite kind of food, and favorite kind of teacher all in one word?

A sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpsp3s/whats_a_redditors_favorite_kind_of_vehicle/
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What is the difference between my ex gf and a car?

Only 5 men fit in a car at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpsn6m/what_is_the_difference_between_my_ex_gf_and_a_car/
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Why was the dog in the driver's seat of the limousine?

It was hired to show fur!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpsk61/why_was_the_dog_in_the_drivers_seat_of_the/
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Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpsirf/did_you_hear_about_the_magic_tractor/
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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpsgp7/a_farmer_quickly_purchased_land_in_a_lowlying/
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I made a book about helicopters

It really took off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpsfqv/i_made_a_book_about_helicopters/
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The man with a hammer...

In a small town in the countryside lived an old man all alone. He worked as a demolisher and all he had was a hammer.
One day he was called in to take down a small  cabin by the river. It was just a room and he divided his work into five days. The first day he took down the roof. Second day he took down one wall , next day another and so on.
On the fifth day, while knocking down the last wall, he saw something strange, a face looking right at him through the glass piece. He was startled but then he shouted:
"GO GET SOME SLEEP,  YOU LOOK TIRED. YEAH, YOU! WHAT YOU THINKING? I JUST BROKE THE FOURTH WALL."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpsey1/the_man_with_a_hammer/
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I hate that I regularly snort cocaine...

I'm not even addicted, it just smells so fucking good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpsdg4/i_hate_that_i_regularly_snort_cocaine/
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What do you call a weather joke with a bad punchline?

An anti-climactic climatic joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpsct6/what_do_you_call_a_weather_joke_with_a_bad/
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Mickey is getting a divorce and goes to his lawyer

So Mickey Mouse is talking to his lawyer and his lawyer says, “I’m sorry Mickey you can’t divorce Minnie on the grounds that she is incredibly silly.” Mickey replies “I didn’t say she’s incredibly silly, I said she’s fucking Goofy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bps7hn/mickey_is_getting_a_divorce_and_goes_to_his_lawyer/
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Life is like a math problem

I don’t get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bps4b3/life_is_like_a_math_problem/
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Why shouldn’t you go to the bathroom with Team Rocket around?

Because they might take a Pikachu!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bps2sp/why_shouldnt_you_go_to_the_bathroom_with_team/
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What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of an ocean?

A good start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bprl8y/what_do_you_call_500_lawyers_at_the_bottom_of_an/
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Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499
Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door
Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door
Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why?
A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator
Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How?
A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party
Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why?
A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bprko4/q_500_bricks_are_on_a_plane_one_falls_off_how/
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A son, mother and daughter are on a nudist beach

A little ways away they see two people having sex. ‘What are they doing?’ the son asks. The dad tells him they’re making cakes. The family decides to go to the zoo instead, where they see two monkeys having sex. ‘What are they doing?’ the son asks. The dad tells him they’re making cakes. They go to sleep after a long day and when the son wakes up early he walks into his parents room and asks. ‘You guys were making cakes yesterday, weren’t you?’ A little shocked the dad answers. ‘Yes, why?’
‘Because i licked the glazing off the couch’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bprhge/a_son_mother_and_daughter_are_on_a_nudist_beach/
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I decided to brighten my neighborhood by decorating my boundary wall with dildos

My neighbour is livid but his wife is still on the fence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bprev0/i_decided_to_brighten_my_neighborhood_by/
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England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpre2c/england_has_no_kidney_bank_but/
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A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.
“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”
“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”
“Sure thing. What is it that you want to know?”
“First, may I ask how many sheep are they?”
“Hmm, of which kind, dear? White sheep or black sheep?”
“Oh. The white ones, for example.
“Right now there are around 200 white sheep on this meadow.”
“Wow, that’s impressive. And how many black sheep are there, then?”
“About 200 too.”
“Oh lord, that’s a lot too!”
“There is always room for improvement. Was there anything else you wanted to ask?”
“Actually, there is. What do they eat?”
“Which ones are you asking it for, darling? White ones or black ones?”
“I don’t know… the white ones.”
“Oh, so the white sheep only eat the best hay in the farm and greenest grass while grazing.”
“Huh, interesting. And what about the black ones?”
“Well, the black sheep eat the best hay and the greenest grass too.”
“Umm okay. There was another thing I was wondering.”
“Shoot.”
“How much wool do these sheep produce?”
“That’s regarding the white sheep or the black sheep, sweetheart?”
The woman starts to get a little annoyed by the man but she still responds.
“The white sheep.”
“These beautiful white sheep can produce an average of 12 pounds. Every year, that is.”
“Uh-huh. And the black ones?”
“So these majestic black sheep produce annually 12 pounds in average too.”
At this point, the woman is already mad at the shepherd and she asks him:
“Why are you asking me every time I make a question about all those sheep if I mean the white ones or the black ones if the answer is always the same for both?!”
“Yes, that’s because the white sheep are mine.”
“Oh, okay, didn’t think of that. And whose are the black ones?”
“Well, the black sheep are mine too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bprdij/a_woman_is_walking_on_the_mountains_when_she_sees/
%
Why are Russian cars so bad?

Because they’re always Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bprc4z/why_are_russian_cars_so_bad/
%
My friend’s septic tank backed up

I guess all that shit finally caught up with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bprbr1/my_friends_septic_tank_backed_up/
%
A photographer was assigned to take photographs of a national park, so he decided to take them from the sky to get the best angle.

He requested permission to rent a plane and the arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted: “Let’s go!”
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind and, within minutes, they were soaring through the air.
“Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures,” the photographer said.
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I am a photographer,” he responded. “And photographers take photographs.”
The pilot was silent for a moment before finally he stammering: “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpr498/a_photographer_was_assigned_to_take_photographs/
%
I helped a kid with cancer one time

He wanted me to unplug his life support machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpr25u/i_helped_a_kid_with_cancer_one_time/
%
Prob been done before Dad joke, but "What's large, grey and unimportant"?

An irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpr1ko/prob_been_done_before_dad_joke_but_whats_large/
%
They found a new use for sheep in Ireland.

Making wool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpr056/they_found_a_new_use_for_sheep_in_ireland/
%
What do you call the person who sleeps on the wet spot after sex?

Overcome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqyzw/what_do_you_call_the_person_who_sleeps_on_the_wet/
%
What happened when Forrest Gump rubbed the lamp?

A Jenny came out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqyy7/what_happened_when_forrest_gump_rubbed_the_lamp/
%
What did the banana say to the vibrator?

“What are you shaking for? She’s gunna eat me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqyal/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
%
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqupd/a_boy_was_feeling_very_nervous_about_his_first/
%
What should a joke have in common with a pregnancy?

A good delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqtg4/what_should_a_joke_have_in_common_with_a_pregnancy/
%
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqt7b/a_couple_both_age_78_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
%
My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqs1o/my_wife_wouldnt_agree_to_installing_a_mirror_on/
%
So I have a morbidly obese friend, but he identifies as skinny.

He’s trans slender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqq42/so_i_have_a_morbidly_obese_friend_but_he/
%
One night I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot. Like really? Wtf dude?!

I was gonna eat that, but now it just tastes like carrots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqpy8/one_night_i_saw_my_sister_masturbating_with_a/
%
I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water

I responded "Well, dam"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqpm2/i_was_recently_asked_to_name_two_structures_that/
%
What do you call Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie and the rest of The Rebellion at the beginning of a rugby match?

Rebel Scrum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqoyf/what_do_you_call_luke_leia_han_chewie_and_the/
%
What do you call a skeleton detective?

Sherlock Bones!
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqkin/what_do_you_call_a_skeleton_detective/
%
The professor goaded the school slut into a fight throughout the entire lesson.

You could say that it was a thot-provoking lecture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqgyv/the_professor_goaded_the_school_slut_into_a_fight/
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What’s it called when your three amigos are headed to Canada but there’s a border wall and the U.S. to get through?

Trespassing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqeht/whats_it_called_when_your_three_amigos_are_headed/
%
I have a horse named Mayo

Sometimes mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqebn/i_have_a_horse_named_mayo/
%
GF says I feel like a father to her

I'm not mad, just disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqdyr/gf_says_i_feel_like_a_father_to_her/
%
The two main reasons I don't joke about 9/11 are

1. They're offensive
2. The jokes often tend to crash and burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpqc9p/the_two_main_reasons_i_dont_joke_about_911_are/
%
A fella was up in court

This fella was up in court being charged with murder.
The judge says “You are now being charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer”
A voice from the back of the courtroom shouts “You bastard!”
The judge continues “You are also being charged with battering your daughter to death with a hammer”
Again, a voice shouts from the back of the courtroom “You prick!”
The judge stops proceedings and says “Who keeps shouting out? If you continue I will charge you with contempt. Step forward and tell me what your problem is...”
A man steps forward and says “I have lived next door to this bastard for the last 20 years, and every time I have asked to borrow a hammer, he said he hasn’t got one!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpq5hp/a_fella_was_up_in_court/
%
When I was young, I remember my mom constantly reminding everyone at dinner that she didn’t have a favourite child.

Harsh, given that I’m her only kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpq20i/when_i_was_young_i_remember_my_mom_constantly/
%
Why did the germs cross the microscope?

To get to the other slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpq08n/why_did_the_germs_cross_the_microscope/
%
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear...

Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpq072/the_only_thing_flatearthers_have_to_fear/
%
What do you call a melodious fart uploaded online?

A SoundCloud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bppuz8/what_do_you_call_a_melodious_fart_uploaded_online/
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I once lived on a street named Prescott avenue...

And my neighboirs had a miscarriage with their already named baby Scott. So they painted over the pre in Prescott and wrote Postscott. Everyone thought they murdered him so there was a police investigation, and they got off Scott free...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpptmw/i_once_lived_on_a_street_named_prescott_avenue/
%
Why was the Amish woman shunned?

Too Mennonite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bppr84/why_was_the_amish_woman_shunned/
%
A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"
DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bppqnq/a_driving_teacher_asks_his_student_there_are_2/
%
An elderly man walks into a bar

The Bartender asks the man to tell him the story about how he became so rich, the man agrees and goes ''I had one orange and I sold it for 5 cents. With those 5 cents I bought another orange and sold him for 6 cents. I repeated that several times before my uncle died and I inherited 10 million''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bppqcb/an_elderly_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So we're at a Halloween party....

And a dementor kissed my boyfriend. He doesn't seem affected. Should I be worried?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bppn1d/so_were_at_a_halloween_party/
%
What do you call a princess that does meth?

Disney on ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpplav/what_do_you_call_a_princess_that_does_meth/
%
Robert Pattinson is playing the next batman.

I guess he's a vampire bat now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bppikn/robert_pattinson_is_playing_the_next_batman/
%
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bppfje/a_lumberjack_went_in_to_a_magic_forest_to_cut_a/
%
A guy walks into an auto parts store and says "I need a gas cap for m Chevy."

The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and says "OK, that sounds like a fair trade."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bppfdn/a_guy_walks_into_an_auto_parts_store_and_says_i/
%
Racist jokes are like unvaccinated children.

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bppdlq/racist_jokes_are_like_unvaccinated_children/
%
A penguins car breaks down.

He decides to take his car to the mechanic. While he was at the mechanic he got bored so went for a walk. While walking he walked past an ice cream shop and went in. He orders one vanilla ice cream. He goes back to the mechanic and they say “it looks like you’ve blown a seal” he says “no it’s just ice cream”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpp7gs/a_penguins_car_breaks_down/
%
Did you hear Alabama eliminated all dine-in pizzerias?

Delivery is the only option.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpp6g1/did_you_hear_alabama_eliminated_all_dinein/
%
You can tune a guitar,

but you can't tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpp0uz/you_can_tune_a_guitar/
%
I tried mansplaining to my girlfriend,

things went awry, and it soon turned into ex-splaining!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpoygz/i_tried_mansplaining_to_my_girlfriend/
%
I recently won the hand of the daughter of the local butcher.

I stil can't believe some of these cannibal auctions on the Dark Web.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpowvg/i_recently_won_the_hand_of_the_daughter_of_the/
%
When I'm feeling down, I tend to look at pictures of my well-endowed ex-girlfriends...

That really brings back some good mammaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpotdy/when_im_feeling_down_i_tend_to_look_at_pictures/
%
Guy moved in the other day, new neighbor...

I got a new neighbor the other day...moved in beside me, and I'm a neighborly guy, so I go and knock on his door and welcome him to the neighborhood. Guy was real friendly, says thanks...I ask him, what do you do for a living?
Guy says, I'm a professor of logic down at the University of Tennessee.
I says...Ohh..logic...well, I've heard of it but I'm not quite sure what that
is.
Guy says well, it's a system of syllogisms...well...it's hard to explain but
i'll give you an example.
I says, ok.
Guy asks me, do you have a doghouse?  i says yes.
He says, so i can assume you have a dog?  i say yes.
He says, so i can assume you have a house? i say yes.
He says, so i can assume you have a family?  i say yes.
He says, so i can assume you have children?  i say yes.
He says, so i can assume you're a heterosexual?  i say yes.
And he goes there!  that's logic.  so i says, that's very interesting, thanks.
and i say i'll see you later and bid him good day.
Well, a couple of days later, my other neighbor catches me on my way out,
and asks me about the new neighbor.  and I says yeah, he's a professor of
logic down at UT.
He says LOGIC?!  what the heck is that?
So i say, well, you know, it's a system of syllogisms...it's hard to explain,
but i'll give you an example.
I ask the guy, do you have a doghouse?  guy says no, i dont have a doghouse.
So i ask the guy, what are you, a faggot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bposzo/guy_moved_in_the_other_day_new_neighbor/
%
Good Idea!

A man visits the doctor with a perplexing problem.
"Doc, everything I eat comes out exactly the same in the toilet."
The doctor, somewhat confused, asks, "Be more specific."
"If I eat a cheeseburger, later there's a cheeseburger in the toilet after I go."
The doctor says, "Go on."
"If I eat pizza, say pepperoni and mushroom, sure enough, pepperoni and mushroom pizza in the bowl.  If that's not crazy enough, I crapped Neopolitan ice cream and not only were the flavor stripes on the ice cream returned to pre-eaten state, it was cold coming out too.  What should I do?'
Doc looked him in the eye and replied, "Eat shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpona0/good_idea/
%
Steve Jobs had a better and more successful business than Trump. But would he have been a better President as well?

Well, that's like comparing Apples with Oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpomrb/steve_jobs_had_a_better_and_more_successful/
%
Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.
The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to feel pain like this, even a small amount of it could knock you out. We will start with 10%"
The man agrees, sits besides his wife and the first contractions begin. The woman screems in agony while the machine starts its work and the scientist sets it to 10%. "Do you feel a difference?", they ask the woman, and she nods. "It got slightly less painfull!"
The man clenches his fists and his teeth to prepare for the pain but seems to handle it quite well. "Are you alright?" "Yes, i'm fine. Increase the pain transfer, i want to support my wife as good as possible!" So they increase it to 25%. The next wave of pain arrives and the mother screams again, but not as hard as the first time. The husband, still clenching his fists, instructs the scientists to increase the percantage even more. "I can take it, please make that my wife feels less pain!" The scientists agree and increase it to 50%.
The woman almost seems relaxed during the next few contractions, only making light sounds of discomfort, while the man is highly concentrated, breathing steadily. "I'm a very tough man, increase it to 100% please!" he asks the scientists. "But sir, such high amounts of pain can kill you!" "I'm absolutly sure, i can handle it. Please, i want to make this completly painless for my wife"
They increase the machine to 100%, the wife now completly relaxed while her body does all the work without a trace of pain, while the man's head turns red, his knuckles turn white. "See i can handle it", he says stoicly.
4 hours later the baby is born, a healthy baby girl. The wife is very happy with the procedure having felt no pain for most of the time, the husband proclaims he's probably the toughest man in the world and that he felt not that much pain, being a real man and so on. The machine is celebrated as great invention of making the fathers part of the birth. Husband and Wife take their newborn baby back to their house.
In front of their door lies the mailman on the ground, dead.
(I hope i haven't made huge mistakes, english is not my native language :) )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpod1x/scientists_invent_a_new_machine_to_ease_the_pain/
%
My sister and I went home to Alabama for mothers day to visit and we were out shopping for a gift for mom when a guy walks by and slaps my sister in the ass. I reacted quick and gave him the ol' one two.

Because no one slaps my girls ass but me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpoan3/my_sister_and_i_went_home_to_alabama_for_mothers/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over the age of 40 told me my generation suckes

I'd have enough money to buy a house in the economy they ruined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpo13m/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_the/
%
The Other day I was at the gas station

and saw a girl pumping gas while smoking. I thought it was pretty stupid but just kept going as I was far enough.
As I was finishing pumping gas when I saw the police was driving in. So she tried to get rid of the cigarette while pulling out the pump and her arm ended up caching fire.
She waved it in the air until the fire went away.
The police came and arrested her.
I thought it was pretty stupid, but didn't think it was worth an arrest, so I asked the officer why he was arresting her.
He said: Sir she's under arrest for waving a firearm!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpo0jk/the_other_day_i_was_at_the_gas_station/
%
What do you call a Hippopotamus in a phone booth?

Stuck....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpnvft/what_do_you_call_a_hippopotamus_in_a_phone_booth/
%
Blowing Bubbles

Four men are brought into a courtroom.
The first man walks up to his stand and the judge asks his him "what did you do?" The man responds "I was blowing bubbles in the park". The judge, clearly shocked, exclaims "why would you get arrested for that? You're free to go".
The second man enters and the judge asks him how he got arrested and he, too, responds "I was blowing bubbles in the park". The judge tells the man he is free to go, as well.
The third man enters and the judge says "were you blowing bubbles in the park, too?" The man nodded so the judge drops his charges, as well.
As the third man leaves, the fourth and final man enters and the judge asks "what did you get arrested for?" And the man responds "I'm Bubbles".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpntn6/blowing_bubbles/
%
A doctor is performing a surgery on a patient.

Doctor : Relax David, it’s just a small surgery, don’t panic .
Man: But doctor , my name isn’t David.
Doctor : I know, I am David.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpnr7w/a_doctor_is_performing_a_surgery_on_a_patient/
%
Do you remember audio cassettes?

They had side A and B.
It was logical for it successor to be named CD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpnq9k/do_you_remember_audio_cassettes/
%
Hey girl are you from Tennessee?

Because I’ve never met someone from Tennessee and I’m starting to have doubts that it’s a real state

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpnj48/hey_girl_are_you_from_tennessee/
%
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpnhzf/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
Holmes and Watson are out on a camping trip

Finally away from work, Dr Watson and Sherlock Holmes decide to spend there time off the great outsiders They set up their camp, get a fire roaring, put up their tent and get ready for the evening in the wild. After a nice meal, the two detectives decide it’s time to head on to bed. They both crawl into the small, 2-person tent and fall asleep. A few hours into their slumber, Holmes wakes up.
“Watson, wake up” Sherlock fiercely whispered
“Sherlock?” Watson replied, “Is everything okay?”
“Dr. Watson, look up. Tell me what you see.”
“Well Sherlock, I see the night sky”
“More specifically Doctor?”
“I see the blackness and the void of space illuminated by numerous concourses of stars, and galaxies. I can see the creations of God from before our time. In full, I can see the entire universe before my eyes.
“Yes Watson, yes I see that too. And from this glorious view, what have you discovered?”
“I think it’s only safe to infer that due to the vastness of space, it is almost impossible to state that there is a lifeless existence just beyond this planet. From our view of the millions of stars and galaxies, I firmly believe there are people looking out into the void and speaking about us as well.”
“Very wise Watson. Maybe too wise for your own good.”
“And why would you say that Sherlock? What do you infer from this spectacular scene”
“Well Watson I infer that someone stole our fucking tent.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpnfgx/holmes_and_watson_are_out_on_a_camping_trip/
%
What do you call a city full of overweight people?

Obe-city

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpndqe/what_do_you_call_a_city_full_of_overweight_people/
%
I told my wife that she had to be more honest with me

So she stopped moaning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpnb4f/i_told_my_wife_that_she_had_to_be_more_honest/
%
Why are fish so easy to weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpn99v/why_are_fish_so_easy_to_weigh/
%
As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder...

Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpn7a1/as_the_youtube_makeup_influencers_feuded_with/
%
My child asked me if “hell” was a bad word

I explained that yes, hell was a bad word and that he should never say it.
He then asks “is hello a bad word?” I then have to explain to him how hell and hello are completely separate words with separate meanings.
The next day I get a call from his teacher, demanding to know why he won’t stop saying “shitto”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpn66b/my_child_asked_me_if_hell_was_a_bad_word/
%
What do you call two astronauts having sex in space?

Fucking light weights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpn5y1/what_do_you_call_two_astronauts_having_sex_in/
%
I love the word buoyancy

It really floats my boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpn2lo/i_love_the_word_buoyancy/
%
What's an anarchist's most likely cause of death?

Prostate cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpn039/whats_an_anarchists_most_likely_cause_of_death/
%
The Story of Apple

It was an apple that kicked Adam and Eve out of heaven. It was an apple that made Newton discover gravity, and since then everyone has to study it. Nowadays, it's an apple that we spend all of our money and time. So through the history whenever human being got f\*\*\*ed it was because of an apple!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpmzuq/the_story_of_apple/
%
Only good thing to have come out of my accident and becoming paraplegic is realising what my dream job is

Stand up comedian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpmzqr/only_good_thing_to_have_come_out_of_my_accident/
%
So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."
So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."
Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."
"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."
"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."
So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."
"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."
"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."
Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."
"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."
"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."
So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."
Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"
EDIT 2: Thanks for silver and gold <3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpmx0y/so_theres_a_farm_on_this_farm_theres_a_cow_a/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

Man, if we just stick together, we can stop all this shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpmwyp/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other_butt/
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What did the cannibal say after he dumped his girlfriend?

Can you pass the toilet paper please?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpmrjv/what_did_the_cannibal_say_after_he_dumped_his/
%
Why did the bodybuilder have a midlife crisis?

He lost his whey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpmqco/why_did_the_bodybuilder_have_a_midlife_crisis/
%
What does the ghost of a cow say?

MooooOOOOoooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpmmpd/what_does_the_ghost_of_a_cow_say/
%
What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I’ll give these two a lift!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpmjkb/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
%
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching a movie, the wife looks over at the husband and says "i bet you can't make me scream with only two fingers"

So he pokes her in the eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpmgmi/a_husband_and_wife_are_sitting_on_the_couch/
%
My gf is like the quare root of -100

A solid 10, but also imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpmfmv/my_gf_is_like_the_quare_root_of_100/
%
What happened to the toddler that refused to take a nap?

She got in trouble for resisting a rrest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpme53/what_happened_to_the_toddler_that_refused_to_take/
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Why aren't koalas considered bears?

Because they don't have the right koalafications?
NO! It's because they're marsupials. God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpmdse/why_arent_koalas_considered_bears/
%
How do you know you’ve entered the bladder?

Urine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpmdew/how_do_you_know_youve_entered_the_bladder/
%
One day a man hears a voice in his head.

Sell your car, sell your house cash in your investments, go to Vegas put it all on red 20.
Sell your car, sell your house cash in your investments, go to Vegas put it all on red 20.
He tries to ignore it but but every minute of everyday he hears it, Sell your car, sell your house cash in your investments, go to Vegas put it all on red 20.
Over and over until he can’t take anymore.
He finally gives in sell everything flies to Vegas staggers up to a roulette table.
He puts everything on red 20. The wheel spins... the ball drops! Black 11!
The voice says FUCK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpmby8/one_day_a_man_hears_a_voice_in_his_head/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpmb9u/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_today/
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A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary

. Every year they meet each other on Madison Avenue when they’re shopping for their wives.
They meet and the poor man says to the rich man, “So what did you get your wife this year?” And the rich man says back, “I got her a huge diamond ring and a brand new Mercedes.”
The poor man asks, “What’d you get her both for?
The rich man says, “If she doesn’t like the diamond ring, she can return it to the store in her brand new Mercedes and she will still be happy.”
The rich man then asks the poor man, “What did you get your wife for your anniversary this year?”
The poor man says “ I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.”
The rich man asks”What did you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for?”
The poor man says, “Well, if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpm7e5/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_have_the_same_wedding/
%
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpm4ar/as_a_butcher_is_shooing_a_dog_from_his_shophe/
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I think that anti-vaxxers kids should be able to read the facts and be able to decide if they want to vaccinated or not

The only problem is they never get old enough to read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpm1on/i_think_that_antivaxxers_kids_should_be_able_to/
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I never believed in magic

Until I woke up and my wife and kids had disappeared

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bplrcz/i_never_believed_in_magic/
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Two Fleas meet on a beach in florida

Two fleas are laying on a beach in florida
The first flea  who is sunning himself looks to the 2nd and asks
Flea 1- "why are you shivering so bad ?"
Flea 2- "I hitched a ride down here on the mustache of a man who rode a motorcycle and it almost froze me to death"
Flea 1- "why would you do that"
Flea 2-  "How else was i suppose to get here... how did you do it" ?
Flea 1 - " listen here's what you have to do"
**Flash forward 1 year**
the fleas see each other on the same beach and the 2nd is shivering uncontrollably once again.
Flea 1 - "what happened!? Did you follow the plan i gave you? It's worked every time for me".
Flea 2- "I did exactly what you said! I went into the ladies room and waited until I overheard a woman say she was heading down here".
"When she turned around i jumped into the stall"
"Up onto the toilet seat"
"And when she sat down i jumped into her bush and
fell asleep"!
Flea 1 - "Then what happened how did you almost freeze to death again... it's a fool proof plan" !!??
Flea 2 - " I don't know man, I got comfy went to sleep and when i woke up i was in that goddamn motorcycle mans mustache again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bplr7l/two_fleas_meet_on_a_beach_in_florida/
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What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,500 people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bplpx9/whats_the_difference_between_my_ex_and_the_titanic/
%
I bought a Mickey Mouse puzzle. It said 3 to 5 years on it.

It only took me 15 months to finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpljzf/i_bought_a_mickey_mouse_puzzle_it_said_3_to_5/
%
A kid decides to burn his house down

His parents just manage to get out as flames engulf the house and they see the kid across the road, looking delighted. The dad wraps his arms around his wife, tears welling up in their eyes, and says ‘that’s arson’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpliwz/a_kid_decides_to_burn_his_house_down/
%
What do you call "Anal" in British?

"Arsenal"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpli56/what_do_you_call_anal_in_british/
%
Knock, knock.

Who's there?
Ahh.
Ahh who?
Werewolves of London.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bplg29/knock_knock/
%
Have you ever seen a really beautiful woman and thought to yourself you should go say something?

But then you realize it's a bad idea. She's probably going to freak out when you walk out of her closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bplf14/have_you_ever_seen_a_really_beautiful_woman_and/
%
What’s the hardest part about being a Vegan?

Keeping it to yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpl9x2/whats_the_hardest_part_about_being_a_vegan/
%
One and Eleven left the other numbers and wandered off.

After quite some time, One came back.
“Why’d you go?” Asked the other numbers.
“I wanted to be a Roamin’ Numeral,” said One.
“Why did Eleven go with you?” They asked.
“Eleven wanted to be a Roamin’ Numeral two.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpl95d/one_and_eleven_left_the_other_numbers_and/
%
What's the difference between a cactus and The White House?

A cactus has pricks on the outside...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpl3j6/whats_the_difference_between_a_cactus_and_the/
%
Do you want to hear a joke about the Boston Marathon?

Never mind. I'll never finish it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpkzlq/do_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_the_boston/
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It’s a really obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpkv0f/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I have a speed bump phobia...

...but I’m slowly getting over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpkp3a/i_have_a_speed_bump_phobia/
%
Lately my comment karma has been so good, Reddit sent me an award featuring a colorful lizard.

It's a comment karma chameleon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpkm78/lately_my_comment_karma_has_been_so_good_reddit/
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JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:
JUDGE: It’s a fine.
MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpkip1/judge_i_order_you_to_pay_10000_do_you_understand/
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Tina and ted

Tina and Ted got into their bed, Said Ted to Tina "It's time for some head." "Head in the bed?" is what Tina said, "Before we're both dead," is what Ted next said.
So Tina did suck and Tina did lick, And into her palm then Tina did spit, She polished his crank like a hitch made of chrome, And when her arm tired, she gave him more dome.
He sprang to his feet from off of his back, His feet hit the floor with a tremendous "WHACK!" He bent over Tina, he bent her did Ted, He bent Tina over the side of the bed.
Tina did scream with joy and delight, As bed Ted bamswaggled her flumpus all night, They diddled and fiddled and bliddled in bed, They diddled and fiddled did Tina and Ted.
And then with a gush and a glorious moan, Ted in the bed reached orgasm alone, "I thought you'd hold out!" moaned Tina so sadly, "I tried but I couldn't, try not to feel badly!"
Tina reached in the nightstand which sat by the bed, The bed she sat in with now unconscious Ted, She pulled out a vibrator and flipped on its power, She gurgled and moaned for the next quarter hour,
She gurgled and moaned, and she gurgled some more, Ted awoke with a start and said "What's that thing for?" She looked in his eyes and she said with a smile, "Your dick did the trick, but just for a while."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpke0q/tina_and_ted/
%
Where do Muslims in the Caribbean go to pray?

Jamecca!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpkd5t/where_do_muslims_in_the_caribbean_go_to_pray/
%
I didn’t think it was any big achievement, but...

This doctors note says I haven’t used my muscles in so long, I’m getting a trophy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpk8f9/i_didnt_think_it_was_any_big_achievement_but/
%
Two deers walk out of a gay bar

One turns to the other and says
“Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpk6wm/two_deers_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
I was walking down the street today when I accidentally trod in some dog shit.

While I was cleaning it off my shoe, I saw another guy tread in the same crap, so I said “I just did that!”.
So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpk04e/i_was_walking_down_the_street_today_when_i/
%
An old Russian man is at his dying wife's bedside.

The doctor on visit to their apartment looks her over and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but the only way to save your wife is to have anal sex with her."
"I can't do it," says the man, "I'm a loyal Communist and have dutifully served my country. I fought the entire war and earned many medals, including Hero of the Soviet Union. Hell, I even held Lenin in my arms as he was dying."
"Like I said, intercourse is the only way to save your wife." says the doctor and leaves.
Later that night, the man decides to take the doctor's advice, mounts his wife and starts pounding away. After a few moments, he becomes exhausted and falls asleep.
The next morning, the man wakes up and sees the other side of the bed is empty. Listening more intently, he makes out the sound of pots and pans clanging in the kitchen. He gets up, walks over to the kitchen, and sees his wife doing dishes and humming with joy. As he watches her, he suddenly slaps his forehead and says:
"What an old fool I am. I could have saved Lenin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpjxc3/an_old_russian_man_is_at_his_dying_wifes_bedside/
%
Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber?

They say he had loco motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpjux3/anyone_hear_about_the_mexican_train_bomber/
%
Communism jokes aren't funny.

Unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpjqa4/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
%
A man comes home from work with lipstick on his shirt.

His wife demands he tell her how exactly he managed to get lipstick on his shirt because it certainly wasn't hers.
He says 'It's pretty simple really, I wiped my dick on it'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpjnku/a_man_comes_home_from_work_with_lipstick_on_his/
%
A friend is like a trampoline...

I’ve always wanted one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpjjuf/a_friend_is_like_a_trampoline/
%
What do you call 100 rabbits in a row moving backwards?

...a receding hare line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpjdk3/what_do_you_call_100_rabbits_in_a_row_moving/
%
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.

"I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo'ed three times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably be awake, I cuckoo'ed another nine times, so that he would think it was 12 cuckoos -- or just midnight.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with them.
The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him, "Midnight!"
He didn't seem pissed in the least.
I had gotten away with it, I thought.
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he then said, "Well last night our cuckoo clock cuckoo'ed three times, then said `oh shit,' cuckoo'ed four more times, then cleared its throat, cuckoo'ed another three times, giggled, cuckoo'ed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpjbae/i_told_my_husband_that_i_would_be_home_by_midnight/
%
The final episode of Game of Thrones should end in a huge musical number where everyone comes back to life for some reason and nothing is explained and no real ending is given.

That'll cause riots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpj8jj/the_final_episode_of_game_of_thrones_should_end/
%
Alabama has decided to force women to carry babies conceived by rape and incest, to term.

Because if they didn't, the state's population would die out pretty quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpj4s9/alabama_has_decided_to_force_women_to_carry/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpj4ef/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and rubs it, revealing a genie that claims to grant the man three wishes.

The genie says "I can grant you three wishes, but your worst enemy gets twice what you wished for."
The man agrees. He says, "My first wish is to have 20 billion dollars.
The genie agrees, reminding the man once again the rules, to which the man is still fine with.
The man then wishes for a grand mansion. "Your worst enemy gets two mansions, that cool?"
The man still agrees.
Finally, the man says his last wish:
"You know, I've always wanted to do a kidney transplant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpiy38/a_man_stumbles_upon_a_magic_lamp_and_rubs_it/
%
A blind man walked into a bar.

And a chair. And a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpitn1/a_blind_man_walked_into_a_bar/
%
I was once a man trapped in a woman’s body

Then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpiske/i_was_once_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
%
My sex life is so bad...

Last night I tried to masturbate and I got friendzoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpioro/my_sex_life_is_so_bad/
%
My girlfriend gave me a hand job with some vaseline last night, wasn't very good... I didn't finish...

Came 3 times washing the stuff off though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpimus/my_girlfriend_gave_me_a_hand_job_with_some/
%
Where do network engineers go to use the toilet?

At their IP address.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpimtp/where_do_network_engineers_go_to_use_the_toilet/
%
If a black bird brings black babies and a white bird brings white babies. What kind of bird brings no babies?

Swallows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpimok/if_a_black_bird_brings_black_babies_and_a_white/
%
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them,

The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpik0l/it_only_takes_a_second_to_show_someone_how_you/
%
Why does a stadium get hot after a game?

All the fans leave!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpiiey/why_does_a_stadium_get_hot_after_a_game/
%
What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpiicl/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_and_finding/
%
Fox has just announced they have canceled Empire

I hope Jussie Smollett doesn’t beat himself up over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpiibi/fox_has_just_announced_they_have_canceled_empire/
%
Why did Bob get fired from the orange juice factory?

He couldn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpiesy/why_did_bob_get_fired_from_the_orange_juice/
%
My 2 year old son points to my wife’s tits...

Looks at me and says “baby eat!”
I say to him “Yes that’s right, that’s where your baby brother eats.”
He’s smiles and points again, “Landon (his name) eat?”
I laugh and say “not anymore buddy, that’s for your baby brother only.”
Again he points, looks at me and says “dada eat!”
I look at my wife,
“maybe later”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpidzd/my_2_year_old_son_points_to_my_wifes_tits/
%
How did hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpibsm/how_did_hitler_tie_his_shoes/
%
Two Russians with two Americans on a sleigh in Siberia

Two Russians and two Americans travel on a sleigh in Siberia.
Suddenly, a pack of wolves appear, getting closer to the sleigh.
First Russian stands up:
- For the sake of the good relationship of our countries, I'll sacrifice myself! - and he jumps off to be torn apart by the wolves.
Right, they go on.
Another pack of wolves appear. The second Russian:
- Now I will sacrifice myself for our good relationship! - and so he does.
Another pack of wolves.
One of the Americans says:
- Well Joe, I think we should get that rifle from the back now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpia8k/two_russians_with_two_americans_on_a_sleigh_in/
%
I was watering the plants when my wife said "Can you come inside and unlock your phone after you're done watering the plants? There's something I need to see."

I have been watering the plants for the last four days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpi5ws/i_was_watering_the_plants_when_my_wife_said_can/
%
A dad walks up to his friend

His friend says "why are you see through" the dad replies "because my son is transgender" the friend said "and..." To which the dad finally goes "I guess I'm Trans-parent"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bphzsd/a_dad_walks_up_to_his_friend/
%
One day a man died, and went to heaven.

I’m heaven, the man saw Father Time, surrounded by billions of clocks.
“What are all these clocks for?” asked the man.
Father Time replied, “every time someone tells a lie, their clock goes forward a minute”.
He pulled out a clock that was at exactly 12:00.
“This clock is Mother Theresa’s clock,” said Father Time. “She never told a lie.”
The man pointed at a clock that was only at 12:02.
“Who’s clock is this one?”
“That is Abraham Lincoln’s. He only ever told two lies.”
The man looked around a bit more, and finally asked, “Where’s Donald Trump’s clock?”
Father Time replied, “Oh, that’s in Jesus’s office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bphyzx/one_day_a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
Wanna play a game?

>!Peek-A-Boo!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bphwmu/wanna_play_a_game/
%
school hallways

so I overheard this during school today
friend 1: hey I saw a poster for schrödinger's cat the other day
friend 2: neat
friend 1: it was wanted dead and alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bphv5o/school_hallways/
%
Two men are sat in a pub, both rather drunk.

One of the men fancies striking up a conversation with the bloke next to him, so he asks him "Hey pal, are you from around here?"
The second man responds "Aye, indeed I am. In fact I was born at St Mary's, just around the corner."
The first man replies with "well I'll damned! I was born in the very same place! Well, if you're a local where'd ya go to school?"
"Saint Mark's Grammar School" He replies.
"Well what'd ya know, I went to the very same school! We mightve known each other! What's yer ma's name?"
"Me ma? Why, she's called Mary! Youre pulling my leg if you say that's the same with you!"
"Well knock me down and call me Andrew! Me Ma's name is the very same!"
The two men continue reminiscing about the town with each other, joking and chatting, when a third man walks in the pub and says to the bartender "Anything new?"
And the bartender responds "Nothing much, the O'Malley twins are wasted again though"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bphpv3/two_men_are_sat_in_a_pub_both_rather_drunk/
%
A thief walks into an electronic store and grabs a T.V

Owner of the store screams, “Acts 2:38!”
The thief then stays still and doesn’t move.
Police then come in and thief is handcuffed.
Police: “Why didn’t you run? The owner is just an old lady”
Thief: “She said she had an Axe and two .38’s”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpho6s/a_thief_walks_into_an_electronic_store_and_grabs/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bphku9/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_the_other/
%
I crashed my Ford a few days ago and went to a mechanic to get it repaired. Later that night I was arrested and my laptop confiscated

In hindsight perhaps I should have said “I crashed my Ford” instead of “I fucked my 15 year old Escort”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bphj38/i_crashed_my_ford_a_few_days_ago_and_went_to_a/
%
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?

Milk and quackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bphbq9/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cow_and_a_duck/
%
Officer: how high are you?

Me: No officicifer, it’s “hi, how are you”
Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bph773/officer_how_high_are_you/
%
One day a group of Pacific Islanders desired to build a throne for their king.

One day a group of Pacific Islanders from the island Tobi decided to build a throne for their chief. It was carved from the local volcanic stone and sat in the center of the village up on a platform so the chief could look down upon his beloved subjects.
The village one island over in Palau looked at the throne with jealousy. They hatched a plan and in the middle of the night they sailed to their neighbor’s island and stole the thrown. They brought it to their chief who was pleased at the prize but not wanting to anger the villagers of Tobi he hide it by stowing it up in the rafters of his grass hut.
The next morning the people of Tobi found their beloved thrown gone. They built an even bigger throne. It took more stone and was even grander. The Tobi  chief looked with approval upon the new throne.
It wasn’t long until the people of Palau found themselves looking at the new throne with great envy. Again they hatched a plan, sailed over to Tobi and stole the throne in the night. The people of Tobi were now perplexed, but seeing footprints they suspected that it was theft. Now they built a giant thrown, ornate and heavy with the local rock. They also set traps and stationed guards.
The people of Palau were saw the challenge and planned for days. Then during one fateful night they launched their plan. They worked around the traps and dispatched the guards. Using pulleys levers and logs they removed the throne and whisked it back to Palau.  They hoisted the new throne up into the rafters. That night they threw a feast in celebration of their new trophy.  During the celebration a load groin came over the crowd as the beams holding up the thrones began to give. Next thing they knew the chief’s hut came crashing down around them, killing the chief and his warriors.
The moral of the story: People living in grass houses should not stow thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bph4vk/one_day_a_group_of_pacific_islanders_desired_to/
%
Receptionist: “Doctor, there's a patient here who thinks he's invisible."

Doctor: “Well, I can't see him right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpgxnl/receptionist_doctor_theres_a_patient_here_who/
%
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpgsoj/a_couple_both_age_78_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
%
A businessman travelled to japan

...to attend an important meeting with a local company's CEO. The evening before the meeting, he was anxious and decided to find some distraction by ordering a prostitute to his hotel room. The sex was good and the woman kept yelling "Hai to, hai to, hai tooooo!" until they were finished. He did not know japanese but from the context he knew it had to mean something along the lines of "good!" as it was more than obvious to him that she liked what he was doing.
The hooker had not been cheap but more than worth it because when the meeting came, our businessman was so relaxed and confident that he excelled and sealed one of the greatest deals in his company's history.
The following day was spent at a golf course with the new japanese business partners. When the CEO scored a hole-in-one our businessman exclaimed "HAI TO!" which made the japanese hesitate, then turn around and ask "What you mean: wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpgqx8/a_businessman_travelled_to_japan/
%
What do Ned Stark and Hodor talk about at breakfast?

Raisin’ Bran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpgljc/what_do_ned_stark_and_hodor_talk_about_at/
%
A wasp expert walks into a record shop

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.
The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goes down and all of a sudden a horrible buzzing noise emits from the machine.
The wasp expert is horrified stating that in all his years of being a wasp expert, he has never heard anything as far from wasp sounds in his life.
The record shop owner looks confused until he notices something.
"Sorry" says the record shop owner,
"I was playing it on the bee side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpgkod/a_wasp_expert_walks_into_a_record_shop/
%
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to  convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I  found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with  holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached  God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body  cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the  circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpgh90/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
%
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpg2q8/the_oldest_computer_can_be_traced_back_to_adam/
%
I got fired from my job at Pepsi today

I tested positive for coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpg1o0/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_pepsi_today/
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Not to brag, but I have this psychic ability of guessing what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpfxwx/not_to_brag_but_i_have_this_psychic_ability_of/
%
I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed.

And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpfo2n/i_just_got_sulphurous_acid_in_my_eyes_but_im_not/
%
Do you know why haven't aliens come to our solar system?

They checked our reviews.
One star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpflpq/do_you_know_why_havent_aliens_come_to_our_solar/
%
What do pimps and farmers have in common?

They both need a hoe to stay in business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpfhad/what_do_pimps_and_farmers_have_in_common/
%
A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.

"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold."
The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view."
The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two."
"That's fine," the man replies. "For my second wish, I'd like to have $20 million."
"Granted, but your mother-in-law will have $40 million."
The man nods.
"And your final wish?" the genie asks.
"For my final wish," the man begins, "I want you to scare me half to death."
============================================================================
Edited to add: thank you, stranger, for the silver. Hope the joke made you chuckle out loud.
Another edit: WOW, my first platinum. I don't know who this generous person was, but thank you. I'll do my best to spread the karma around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpf9jn/a_man_stumbles_upon_a_lamp_on_the_beach_rubs_it/
%
If you had a cricket ball in one hand and a cricket ball in the other what do you have?

A gigantic, male cricket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpf8s3/if_you_had_a_cricket_ball_in_one_hand_and_a/
%
You know what’s more Lit than throwing garbage in the trashcan?

Throwing it on the ground - it’s litter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpf8gz/you_know_whats_more_lit_than_throwing_garbage_in/
%
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket.

You can hide but you can’t run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpex7d/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_that_stole_my/
%
Why couldn’t the doctor read the Blood test?

It was full of Type-O’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpewwd/why_couldnt_the_doctor_read_the_blood_test/
%
Dark humor is just like clean water

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpeisw/dark_humor_is_just_like_clean_water/
%
2 astronauts got into space

The first guy jokingly says: "I see no god up here"
The second replies: "take off the helmet and you’ll see"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpea1d/2_astronauts_got_into_space/
%
Timing

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpe9gf/timing/
%
A Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants

What do you call a Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants?
Plant parenthood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpe8tt/a_gardener_who_doesnt_want_to_keep_his_plants/
%
My mate said he didn't understand what cloning was.

I said that makes two of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpe7rg/my_mate_said_he_didnt_understand_what_cloning_was/
%
What did the hacker say during sex?

I’m in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpe75y/what_did_the_hacker_say_during_sex/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpe61f/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
There are three types of people in the world

Those who can count and those who can’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpe1hd/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
Life is like your ass hair

Short and full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpe17h/life_is_like_your_ass_hair/
%
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He had to work it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpdus4/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug.

I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpdnys/an_accountant_opens_up_their_spreadsheet_only_to/
%
I never found Bill Cosby to be funny

He always made me fall asleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpdnno/i_never_found_bill_cosby_to_be_funny/
%
What happens if you laugh at a joke that doesn't have gold?

You lgh at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpdluy/what_happens_if_you_laugh_at_a_joke_that_doesnt/
%
What does the sign on a closed brothel say.

We’re closed. Beat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpdg75/what_does_the_sign_on_a_closed_brothel_say/
%
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say

"Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpddyv/i_wonder_if_clouds_ever_look_down_on_us_and_say/
%
A door-to-door salesman knocks on a door of a house

Little Johnny opens up, holding a half empty bottle of whisky and a lit cigar.
The salesman says, "hey kid, are your mom and dad home?"
Johnny takes a swig of whisky and a puff of the cigar, and answers, "What the fuck do you think"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpdd9t/a_doortodoor_salesman_knocks_on_a_door_of_a_house/
%
I hate jokes about German sausages.

They’re the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpdas8/i_hate_jokes_about_german_sausages/
%
Skeleton molesters are a big problem

There's nothing humerus about them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpda40/skeleton_molesters_are_a_big_problem/
%
The American Government is just like a car...

If you want to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want to go backwards you put it in (R)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpd9tn/the_american_government_is_just_like_a_car/
%
A man is at a party when he sees a Buddhist monk

As he is observing the monk, the lady behind him drops her phone, and he helps her by picking it up. After that, he begins moving over to the refreshments section, on his way he spots a drunk friend, for whom he calls an Uber home. Once his friend is safely away, he continues to amble over to the refreshments. As he passes by the snacks, someone knocks over a bowl of chips, which the man helps pick up. He finally makes it to the refreshments, where he runs into the monk. The monk asks him "I have seen all of the good things you have done here, why have you chosen to do that instead of enjoying yourself?". The man answers "I don't really know, I guess I saw you and figured there would be karma in the punchline".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpd7rd/a_man_is_at_a_party_when_he_sees_a_buddhist_monk/
%
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees very often?

Because they are really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpd5jd/why_dont_you_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees_very/
%
God creating humans

God: They will walk on 4 legs
Angel: Give them 2 legs and 2 arms
God: Ye, you're right
Angel: But give them toes
God: Why?
Angel: For the furniture, trust me it will be hilarious
God : LMAO, nice idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpd53e/god_creating_humans/
%
Three nuns died and went to heaven.

They where greeted at the gate by Peter. Behind him was a basin of Holy water.
" Welcome, you three have each committed a sin and must wash it clean before you can enter heaven. "
He turned to the first nun " You touched a man's penis, wash your hands in the water and you may enter heaven."
The third nun tapped the second nun on the shoulder "Can I rinse my mouth out before you wash your ass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpd3gm/three_nuns_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
One time Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver (who looks much like him):
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpd002/one_time_einstein_had_to_speak_at_an_important/
%
Yo mama so fat

Thanos had to clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpcze7/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
what is the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

you cant hear an enzyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpcx3b/what_is_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
%
Teacher: Give me an example of an amphibian.

Student: A frog.
Teacher: Any other examples?
Me: Another frog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpcwrs/teacher_give_me_an_example_of_an_amphibian/
%
Why are priests bad at marathons?

Because they always come in a little behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpcvy3/why_are_priests_bad_at_marathons/
%
A man with 5 penises went to the tailor

A man with five penises goes to a tailor to get a new pair of pants.
The tailor says, "Wow, five penis's how do your pants fit?"
The man says, "Like a glove"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpcruc/a_man_with_5_penises_went_to_the_tailor/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

Half way through you realaize how much you hate yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpcqot/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

\*Choking Noises\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpcq6t/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
A man walks into a bar...

Man: Hello, can I have the wi-fi password please?
Bartender: only if you drink 1l of whiskey.
Man: 1 liter of Whiskey? Damn. That's a lot. Deal, give me 1 liter of Whiskey.
\*the bartender gives the whiskey to the sir\*
Man: Done, can I have wi-fi password now?
Bartender: I told you already. It's "only if you drink 1l of whiskey".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpcowo/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I tried to rob a bakery but failed

They caught me bread handed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpcnmn/i_tried_to_rob_a_bakery_but_failed/
%
Why do couples cry at the altar?

Eye Dew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpclui/why_do_couples_cry_at_the_altar/
%
What do you call a bull that is always felling sleepy?

A bulldozer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpcj37/what_do_you_call_a_bull_that_is_always_felling/
%
"Hey Bud, why don't you use condoms?"

"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpcic7/hey_bud_why_dont_you_use_condoms/
%
In the new Star Trek Picard series, how will Picard ask Dr Crusher to marry him?

"Engage!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpcepi/in_the_new_star_trek_picard_series_how_will/
%
My only problem with women breastfeeding in public is...

..they never wink back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpce1e/my_only_problem_with_women_breastfeeding_in/
%
Stop saying “grow a pair”

Balls are weak. Instead say “grow a vagina” - coz it can take a pounding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpcamo/stop_saying_grow_a_pair/
%
My friend refuses to leave Sweden. She said Sweden is actually nice and deserves sympathy.

I think she's developed Stockholm Syndrome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpc2c4/my_friend_refuses_to_leave_sweden_she_said_sweden/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

she seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpc1dq/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
%
What's a mathematician's favorite type of breast?

Quantitties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpc0hr/whats_a_mathematicians_favorite_type_of_breast/
%
Two aliens are planning their honeymoon

, the first one says :" We could visit planet Earth, you know, oceans, mountains, cool cities.. "
The second one replies :" That sounds great, but i don't know, I checked TripAdvisor, and I saw that Earth has only one Star.. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbzn0/two_aliens_are_planning_their_honeymoon/
%
My wife is mad at me.

I hired a maid service to clean for her and now she has to clean the house everyday before the maid shows up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbz72/my_wife_is_mad_at_me/
%
What does Tom do before it's his turn to sing?

Tom Waits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbuj0/what_does_tom_do_before_its_his_turn_to_sing/
%
I got the words "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" mixed up

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbu71/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_mixed_up/
%
Why are beetles not in church?

Because they are in sects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbrdj/why_are_beetles_not_in_church/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbr46/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog laying on the grass licking its own balls.

The first says “Man I wish I could do that!”
The second responds “Maybe you should just pet him first...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbq93/two_guys_are_walking_down_the_street_and_see_a/
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[NSFW] Three men get lost in a city.

Not knowing what else they could do, they decide to book rooms for the night at the closest hotel. They ask the receptionist for any available rooms they could rent, and the receptionist informs them that there was only one room with a queen-sized bed left for them.
The men decide that bunking together for one night would be much better than spending a cold night in the streets, so they check in and get in their room. The three men, each as uncomfortable as his partners, huddle close to each other on the bed and doze off.
The next morning, all three men wake up feeling surprisingly refreshed. They visit the hotel Cafe and get a coffee, and decide to talk about nothing in particular.
One says, "So if anyone's wondering what happened that's making me feel good today, I was having a great dream last night. This really hot chick was giving me a handjob, and she was really good at it too!"
This catches the attention of one of the other men. He spoke up, saying, "Holy fuck, dude. I was getting a handjob in my dream too! Stroked it real hard, she did."
The third man, who had been sleeping in the middle, is visibly dejected. Nevertheless, he doesn't shy away from the conversation, saying,
"I wish I were the two of you. In my dream, I went skiing."
Not sure if this is a repost or anything, but it was something I got from a friend. Enjoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbpc8/nsfw_three_men_get_lost_in_a_city/
%
Name a rapper with small abdominal muscles

2Pac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpblxg/name_a_rapper_with_small_abdominal_muscles/
%
Husband: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches

Wife: ok just throw them out
[Later]
Husband:  *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpblw2/husband_the_kids_havent_eaten_their_sandwiches/
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If Albert Finney and Christopher Walken had a kid, he'd have quite a strut.

Cuz he'd be Walken Finney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpblab/if_albert_finney_and_christopher_walken_had_a_kid/
%
Yesterday, I tried to catch some fog...

I mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbk1q/yesterday_i_tried_to_catch_some_fog/
%
My mom says PETA is like a box of chocolates

It kills dogs ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbj0k/my_mom_says_peta_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
We've all seen the news, so hurry up and get your abortion jokes out now

It's going to get uncomfortable if the subject isn't terminated within about 6 weeks from now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbghr/weve_all_seen_the_news_so_hurry_up_and_get_your/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got frozen to absolute zero?

He seems to be 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbgg8/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_frozen_to/
%
Leggs pantyhose and the Richard Pryor estate are hosting a golf tournament.

It's called the Pryor Leggs Open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbffy/leggs_pantyhose_and_the_richard_pryor_estate_are/
%
[NSFW] Where does virgin wool come from?

Sheep the Shepherd couldn’t catch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbffm/nsfw_where_does_virgin_wool_come_from/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

He saw a sign at the front of a building that said "chicken strips for $2"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbd5g/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
I used to work in a candle factory...

...
Until i blew it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbbqu/i_used_to_work_in_a_candle_factory/
%
Why did the blonde student have sex with a Mexican?

Her Professor told her to "Do an essay".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpbb4r/why_did_the_blonde_student_have_sex_with_a_mexican/
%
What do you call a Turtle that does yoga?

Wakka Wakka U?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpb7zv/what_do_you_call_a_turtle_that_does_yoga/
%
— My watch can predict the future!

— That's impossible! Can you prove it?
— Sure! — glances at the watch — Right now it's saying you have no panties.
— You see? That is wrong, I have panties on right now.
— Oh, I'm sorry, its 10 minutes fast...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpb68h/my_watch_can_predict_the_future/
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First Joke

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
0/10 would not do again :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpb3tl/first_joke/
%
Stop it with the Alabama and abortions jokes.

I incest that you do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpb2t1/stop_it_with_the_alabama_and_abortions_jokes/
%
What is a secret mission to save some eggs?

An eggs-traction mission

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpb22h/what_is_a_secret_mission_to_save_some_eggs/
%
Studies say it’s hard to breathe fast while your tongue is out

Good dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpb0m4/studies_say_its_hard_to_breathe_fast_while_your/
%
Noah's diary: Day 39

Unicorn pie is fucking delicious!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpaxqh/noahs_diary_day_39/
%
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpawz8/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car/
%
A world tongue twister champion just got arrested

I heard they are going to give him a tough sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpavh0/a_world_tongue_twister_champion_just_got_arrested/
%
A man with a stutter just died in prison

Before he could finish his sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpav6k/a_man_with_a_stutter_just_died_in_prison/
%
I have just started to read a horror novel in braille

Something bad is going to happen, i can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpausy/i_have_just_started_to_read_a_horror_novel_in/
%
How man addicts does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one... Well...

Maybe just another.
And that's it...
Just them...
They are all it takes and they can stop changing bulbs whenever they want...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpau91/how_man_addicts_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A dude goes for a job on a building site. The Forman asks him...

"The two criteria for this job," he begins "can you make a pot of tea?"
"Sure. When I make tea it's the world's greatest."
"Can you drive a forklift?" Asks the Forman
"£UCKING...HELL!  How big is the teapot?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpatlp/a_dude_goes_for_a_job_on_a_building_site_the/
%
Have you heard of the wooden car?

It has a wooden steering wheel, wooden seats, wooden engine, and it wooden go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpaqcj/have_you_heard_of_the_wooden_car/
%
What do orgies and climate change have in common?

Everyone's fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpan00/what_do_orgies_and_climate_change_have_in_common/
%
How’s life as a police dog?

Ruff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpalgy/hows_life_as_a_police_dog/
%
Why couldn’t the owner of the pizza joint retire?

He kneaded the dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpaiz0/why_couldnt_the_owner_of_the_pizza_joint_retire/
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My new password had to be 8 characters...

So I used Snow White and the 7 dwarfs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpagl0/my_new_password_had_to_be_8_characters/
%
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'
'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the \*lawyer was banging his head against the wall.\*
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpaghp/an_elderly_woman_walked_into_the_royal_bank_of/
%
What do you call a dinosaur without gold?

A dinosr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpagf2/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_without_gold/
%
How did Rihanna find out that Chris Brown was cheating?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpafxa/how_did_rihanna_find_out_that_chris_brown_was/
%
A guy works at the pickle factory

After work, at the pub he says to his buddy: Hey you know I keep having this urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer at work.
His buddy is like "you are crazy", "don't do it", "you will regret it".
One day after work, he sees his friends and says, I finally did it.. I put my penis in the pickle slicer.
His friend looks shocked and says ... "What happened", to which he replies "she and I both got fired"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpabtr/a_guy_works_at_the_pickle_factory/
%
Some people say God is Good.

By that logic, Bob is Boob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpa9bv/some_people_say_god_is_good/
%
Bob goes to the barber’s for a shave.

The barber asks him to put a small wooden ball in his mouth so he could get a closer shave around his cheeks. Bob tucks the ball into his cheek, then asks the barber, “But what if I swallow the ball?” The barber replies: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bpa6c9/bob_goes_to_the_barbers_for_a_shave/
%
After the abortion ban in Alabama yesterday, my girlfriend is too scared to even have sex with me

Too bad my other sister isn't helping out either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp9xxb/after_the_abortion_ban_in_alabama_yesterday_my/
%
You either die as SpongeBob

Or live long enough to see yourself become a Squidward .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp9uy9/you_either_die_as_spongebob/
%
A man goes to the doctor with abdominal and lower back pains (long)

**Man**: "Doctor, for quite some time I've been having pains in the abdomen, groin and lower back. And they are getting worse."
**After some blood and urine tests and a general check the doctor answers**: "I find no problems, it could be a muscle issue." He prescribes medication and let's the man go.
*2 weeks later the man returns.*
**Man:** "Doctor, the medication isn't working. I can hardly stand the pain."
The doctor runs MRI scans and even more tests.
**After the results are in he answers:** "Still nothing. I'll just prescribe you stronger antibiotics."
*2 more weeks pass and the man returns.*
**Man:** Doctor! It's unbearable! I can't sleep, I can't work, I can't even sit. Please help me.
**The doctor thinks then answers:** "Sir, I have consulted some colleagues and we are certain it's an unknown form of testicular cancer."
*The man goes pale.*
**Doctor:** "We believe the only solution is to amputate your testicles."
**The man sheds a few tears and says:** "Doctor,... Do as you must."
*After the amputation the pain is gone. The man finally feels free. He soon has an important business trip coming along so he goes to a private tailor to commission a new suit.*
**The tailor, a wrinkled old man and a true master of his craft, without even relying on a meter quickly says:** "Sir, you are 180 cm tall, your chest size is 94 cm. Ah, your shoe size is No 42 as well."
*The man is stunned by the accuracy and decides to indeed commission his new suit here. A week later he returns to the shop to try it on and pick it up.*
*As he tries it on it's a perfect fit. The jacket, the pants, the shirt are all exactly made for his body.*
**The man prepares to pay up and leave when the old tailor says:** "Sir, last time I forgot to mention, but the underwear of the man also speaks volumes for who he is. I can make you custom underwear in just a day, if you are willing."
**The man agrees and asks:** "Should I strip for measurements?"
**Tailor:** "No need, sir. I already know. For instance your underpants' size is 41."
**The man grins:** "Now here you are mistaken old man. I wear size 38."
**Tailor:** I apologize, sir, but you are wrong. Your size is 41."
**The man:** "I know my own size. I've worn size 38 for years."
**Tailor:** "Maybe in the past, sir, but now you've grown out of it. If you were to wear a 38 now I guarantee it will squeeze your groin so tight you would feel ungodly pain every day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp9uo7/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_with_abdominal_and_lower/
%
What do you call 5 Mexicans in quicksand?

Cinco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp9si4/what_do_you_call_5_mexicans_in_quicksand/
%
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp9oe8/in_space_two_aliens_are_talking_to_each_other/
%
What happened to the man who tried to catch fog?

He mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp9k6v/what_happened_to_the_man_who_tried_to_catch_fog/
%
What does a fetus and an armed service member have in common?

Politicians only care about 'em as long as they're "in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp9jay/what_does_a_fetus_and_an_armed_service_member/
%
I once heard of a prison for dogs

I heard it's ruff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp9ff0/i_once_heard_of_a_prison_for_dogs/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp9d8r/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Why can't the pregnant women in Alabama ask for a refund on their package?

Because there will always be a delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp9b2b/why_cant_the_pregnant_women_in_alabama_ask_for_a/
%
[NSFW] A man went to a doctor to cure his dick

Man: I have a problem with my penis, promise me you won’t laugh
Doctor: Alright, let’s see what’s wrong
The man pulled down his pants and revealed his tiny wiener, it was around the size of a AAA battery. The doctor let out a little giggle but immediately regained composure. After a few seconds, she decided to ask.
Doctor: What’s wrong with it?
Man: ... It’s swollen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp96ux/nsfw_a_man_went_to_a_doctor_to_cure_his_dick/
%
Why isn't "dark" spelled as "darc"?

Because you can't "c" in the dark..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp96ml/why_isnt_dark_spelled_as_darc/
%
What did the deaf, blind orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp96j0/what_did_the_deaf_blind_orphan_get_for_christmas/
%
I sat next to this attractive Thai girl on the train...

I kept thinking \*don't get an erection\*,\*don't get an erection\*, but she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp8xc5/i_sat_next_to_this_attractive_thai_girl_on_the/
%
I like my women how I like my snow

Excited to see them but glad it's temporary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp8tey/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_snow/
%
How does a rapist start a family?

Moves to Alabama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp8spm/how_does_a_rapist_start_a_family/
%
Not racist.

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp8s12/not_racist/
%
What do you call a nighttime boner?

Slumber Lumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp8qu8/what_do_you_call_a_nighttime_boner/
%
Teacher asks third grade students a question.

“Who can give me a rhyme that ends with ‘if I can, if I can, if I can’?”
Bobby at the front puts his hand up, “I’ve got one miss.”
“Let’s here it bobby” teacher replies.
“When I grow up to be a man, I want to visit Germany and Japan, if I can, if I can, if I can.”
“Very good bobby” the teacher says.
Sally then puts her hand up, “mines even better.”
“Okay then sally.”
“When I grow up to be a lady, I want to have a baby, if I can, if I can, if I can.”
“Well done, any more class?”
Little Johnny, the shithead in the back, puts his hand up, “pick me miss, pick me.”
“Okay go ahead Johnny.”
“When I grow up to be a man, fuck Germany and Japan, I want to help sally with her plan, if I can, if I can, if I can.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp8l2a/teacher_asks_third_grade_students_a_question/
%
Once mankind invented Incognito mode

The rest is not in history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp8hjg/once_mankind_invented_incognito_mode/
%
I don’t understand why the young people today fail to see the dangers of communism.

I mean come on, there are so many red flags!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp8fvf/i_dont_understand_why_the_young_people_today_fail/
%
What do you call it when an ambulance crashes into the side of a hospital?

A medical breakthrough...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp8703/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_ambulance_crashes/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor who jumped his train off the tracks?

The police said he had a loco motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp83n3/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_conductor/
%
4 out of 5 people admit they pee in the shower

The other 1/5 are liars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp82qe/4_out_of_5_people_admit_they_pee_in_the_shower/
%
[nsfw] When HBO launches a show they trademark all the possible porn names. They now own...

“Game of bones”, “Dothraki Bukaki”, “Ass High in the shadow” and of course “Two Cleganes one Bowl”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp80ep/nsfw_when_hbo_launches_a_show_they_trademark_all/
%
A man walks into a zoo

The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a *shitzu*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp7za3/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo/
%
What do you call the feeling of needing to go to the bathroom because someone else is?

Pee-r Pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp7wyr/what_do_you_call_the_feeling_of_needing_to_go_to/
%
If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.

But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp7ty7/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_ten_men_shes_a_slut/
%
There are 3 men on top of a tower with a wizard

The wizard says that whatever the men say will be at the bottom of the tower. The first man jumps and says, pillows. Second man jumps and says, hay. Third man trips off and screams, "SHIT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp7t1i/there_are_3_men_on_top_of_a_tower_with_a_wizard/
%
What’s the difference between a dollar and a Venezuelan bolivar?

A dollar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp7m1z/whats_the_difference_between_a_dollar_and_a/
%
When is the best time to eat pie?

At 3:14

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp7kyc/when_is_the_best_time_to_eat_pie/
%
The plight of the Alabama congressman...

A congressional aide asks a politician,
"What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"
The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp7hnh/the_plight_of_the_alabama_congressman/
%
Cinderella was being a brat...

Cinderella was being bitchy and bratty days before the ball and it pissed her fairy godmother off something furious. To teach her a lesson, the fairy godmother said;
"Look I'm not going to be heartless. You can go to the ball and dance with Prince Charming, but if you're back ONE MINUTE after midnight, forget the horses and the carriage, 12:01 A.M. your VAGINA will turn into a pumpkin. Got it?!"
So off Cinderella goes and doesn't get back until damn near 3 A.M. to find fairy godmother looking at her watch and tapping her toe.
"Well little miss thing", fairy godmother says, "Tell me, what did Prince Charming think of my little spell?"
"I didn't go to the ball with Prince Charming", Cinderella explains, "I went with Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp7ezu/cinderella_was_being_a_brat/
%
What’s the hardest part of the vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp7dhi/whats_the_hardest_part_of_the_vegetable_to_eat/
%
New truck

My buddy Frank bought a new truck today and the dealer made sure to mention that if the spark plugs get wet that is wont work. So if you know it's going to rain to be sure to put vaseline on them.
He happened to be going to his girlfriend's parents house for the first time tonight and Shiela told him that the first person to talk during dinner did the dishes. He didnt think much of it until they arrived. There were dishes everywhere. Seemed to be from last Thanksgiving.
During dinner he sure noticed that nobody made a peep. He wanted to test it out so he groped  sheila's tits and ass. Her father was pissed, and he could tell, but said nothing. He decided to take it a little further and bent her over the kitchen table and started fucking her. Her dads face turned purple and he could see veins nearly popping but he didnt say a word. He asked himself how far could he go and proceeded to bend his girlfriend's mother over and fuck her in the ass over the mantle. You could see fire burning in her father's eyes, as if he would kill a man but said absolutely nothing.
In the distance you could hear thunder starting to roll. So he pulls out and grabs his vaseline when the father shouts, FUCK IT, ILL DO THE DAMN DISHES!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp7bop/new_truck/
%
What do you call a hooker with no legs?

A night crawler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp7b9l/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_no_legs/
%
A great way to come out to your family:

“I like my women like my coffee.
I don’t like coffee.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp7a7g/a_great_way_to_come_out_to_your_family/
%
went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”

I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp79xa/went_to_the_garden_center_today_and_bought_a/
%
Why do the Welsh wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear zippers from a mile away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp74fl/why_do_the_welsh_wear_kilts/
%
Nobody ever asks how Coca Cola is doing...

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp747x/nobody_ever_asks_how_coca_cola_is_doing/
%
I lost $2000 out of my back pocket...

When I got home my dad asked “whats wrong?”
I replied, “I don’t feel too grand.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp743x/i_lost_2000_out_of_my_back_pocket/
%
Memory is the second thing to go

Don't ask me the first, I forgot
(Reworded a bit but got this from a teacher)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp72vz/memory_is_the_second_thing_to_go/
%
So I was at a gas station bathroom

And i dropped a five dollar bill in the toilet by accident. I ask myself would i stick my hand in that disgusting toilet for a mere $5? I said no.
So i took out another five dollars and chucked them in the toilet. I'll definitely stick my hand in that toilet for ten dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp71w7/so_i_was_at_a_gas_station_bathroom/
%
A dude is pissing at a urinal, when a short shrimpy guy steps up to the urinal next to him...

The dude is about to laugh at how frail and weak the guy looks, but he happens to catch a glimpse of the dude's shlong, fat as a pepperoni and as long as a cucumber.
"Holy fucking hell!" the guy says. "Not to sound gay or anything, but that's the biggest cock I've ever seen in my life!"
The short dude grins. "The ladies love it. But it wasn't always this big."
"You mean you made it grow somehow?"
The short dude nods. "Yup. An old witch doctor I met on vacation one year told me to rub corn oil on it every night before bed, and it will grow fat as a corn on the cob. Just stroke it in from root to tip, always outward. Try it for yourself. It works..."
The short dude zips up and leaves. The man excitedly runs to the grocery store to make the purchase.
A few weeks later, the same dude is pissing in the same urinal, when the short dude steps up beside him again.
"So? How'd it go?" the short dude asks.
"Terrible! I did exactly what you said, root to tip, root to tip. But my dick is actually getting smaller!"
"You used corn oil? *Pure* corn oil?"
"Well, they didn't have corn oil, so I bought Crisco instead."
"You fool!" the other dude says. "That's shortening!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp71dk/a_dude_is_pissing_at_a_urinal_when_a_short/
%
No one, absolutely no one at all..

A tree in the woods...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp70bv/no_one_absolutely_no_one_at_all/
%
What do you call it when more people bite dogs than dogs bite people?

China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp6upz/what_do_you_call_it_when_more_people_bite_dogs/
%
What do you call a good fitting bra?

A girl's breast friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp6t5l/what_do_you_call_a_good_fitting_bra/
%
A good cause

A man answers his door to see two women, one of whom is holding a clipboard. She introduces herself as Kelly and informs him that the other woman, Alex, is trying to set the world record for most times doing it doggy style in a day. Kelly explains that Alex's reasoning for this is that world record holders get a cash reward, and Alex's son is in the hospital.
"As a single parent," Kelly explains, "Alex needed a way to make cash and she thought this would be relatively easy. So what do you say, will you do my friend doggy style? Can you support our good cause?"
The man takes a look at Alex, thinking over the pros and cons of their cause. Is it worth it to have sex with this woman in the doggy style position? Finally, he decides:
"Yeah, I can get behind that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp6sou/a_good_cause/
%
A pilot walks into a bar & asks for a packet of helicopter-flavoured crisps

"Sorry" says the bartender, "We only have plane"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp6lw4/a_pilot_walks_into_a_bar_asks_for_a_packet_of/
%
The Aussie and Texan

A Texan had flown to Australia to see his cousins farm. As the Texan arrives he remarks,
"Wow you call the little thing a truck, Over in Texas our trucks are three times as big" the Aussie farmer, standing next to ute shrugs and starts to show the Texan around.
As they a reach paddock with bulls in it the Texan says,
"Gee you call those long horns? Over in Texas our bulls horns a meter across both ways" the Aussie shrugs and continues the tour.
While going to the next part of the tour a mob of kangaroos run out from the bush and across their path. The Texan shouts,
"What in tarnation are they!". The Aussie farmer turns to the Texan and says,
"What? you don't have grasshoppers and Texas?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp6jrn/the_aussie_and_texan/
%
Three school teachers go to the nude beach: the math teacher, the history teacher, and the logics teacher. Suddenly, the female principal goes by them. So the math and history teacher put their newspapers on their private parts, while the logics teacher puts it on his face.

After the principal leaves, the first two ask the logics teacher: Why did you put your newspaper on your face? She clearly saw your junk!
That's the thing! I'm mostly recognised by my face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp6huz/three_school_teachers_go_to_the_nude_beach_the/
%
A guy tells his friend...

Hey man, you were quite wasted last night!
Nahh, says his friend. Not that much, why would you say that?
Well you called a taxi to get you home!
Of course, that's cause I'm responsible.
The party was at your place bro...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp6e5w/a_guy_tells_his_friend/
%
My wife just told me, “Don’t take it personally if all your friends make fun of you and call you fat.”

“You’re much bigger than that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp6d39/my_wife_just_told_me_dont_take_it_personally_if/
%
So a snail walks into a car shop...

So a snail walks into a car shop and buys a fancy sports car. He asks the painter to put a big S on the front, the back, and both sides. The painter asks why and the snail replies, “so when I drive past people they can say ‘“look at that escargot!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp64rc/so_a_snail_walks_into_a_car_shop/
%
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”
The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”
The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”
The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”
“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.
“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.
So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”
“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp64b4/a_cnn_reporter_a_bbc_reporter_and_an_israeli/
%
When Thomas The Tank Engine was younger he was very rebellious.

A real steam punk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp62bj/when_thomas_the_tank_engine_was_younger_he_was/
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A man gets a blow job from a woman at work.

Feeling guilty, he runs to the nearest church looking to confess his sins.  He checks the confessional but the priest is nowhere to be found.  He sees an alter boy and thinks maybe he’ll know what punishment the priest usually gives for infidelity.
He approaches the alter boy and says “Hey kid, what does the priest give for a blow job?”
The alter boy responds without looking up “Well, it’s changed over the years but lately it’s been two Kit-Kats and a Pepsi.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp5z4h/a_man_gets_a_blow_job_from_a_woman_at_work/
%
Why are asteroids vegetarians?

Because they aren't meteors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp5uc3/why_are_asteroids_vegetarians/
%
An officer told me to pull over when he thought that I was only semi conscious

But I assured him that it wasn't just the big trucks that I noticed.  I knew there were cars and motorcycles and little trucks out there too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp5ta4/an_officer_told_me_to_pull_over_when_he_thought/
%
Have you read the report on circumcisions?

Yeah, a number of dickheads were exposed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp5q8z/have_you_read_the_report_on_circumcisions/
%
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp5pwz/a_mafiosos_son_sits_at_his_desk_writing_a/
%
I saw my doctor in the bank.

When he went to sign his check, he realized he was holding a rectal thermometer. He looked up and said, "Damn! Some asshole's got my pen.
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp5n9w/i_saw_my_doctor_in_the_bank/
%
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp5kjo/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
Back in the day,

Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp5f20/back_in_the_day/
%
What’s thanos’s favorite social media platform?

Snapchat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp5e4r/whats_thanoss_favorite_social_media_platform/
%
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”
“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp58ys/the_banker_fell_overboard_from_a_friends_sailboat/
%
A ship radios the German coast guard

Ship: Help we are sinking!
German coast guard: wot are you sinking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp56yx/a_ship_radios_the_german_coast_guard/
%
A child walks up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

The father answers: "See those 4 trees over there, son? An alcoholic would see 8".
And the son replied:  "But dad, there are only 2 trees".
And the mother: "Why are you guys staring at a tree?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp56e5/a_child_walks_up_to_his_dad_and_asks_dad_whats_an/
%
A rich oil tycoon from Texas made his way to Ireland one day...

...where he made his way to a local pub.
He walked up to the bar and laid a bag of money on the counter whilst he declared to all in the room:
"I heard y'all Irish can drink, so I put it to you that not one of y'all's can drink 500 shots back to back. Prove me
wrong, and I'll give you this here five thousand dollars."
The room immediately grew silent, not a soul stirred.
Then suddenly, a single gentleman stood to his feet, assumed at first to be an accepting challenger but he
quickly stormed out the front door.
A half hour of time passed and the same man came back walked to the bar turned to the Texan and said, "Alright,
I'll take that bet!"
The bartender lined up 500 shots and the Irish man tossed them back one after the other until he had finished all
500 shots in record time.
The Texan raised his eyebrows in surprise and tipped back his hat as he handed the bag of money to the winning contender.
"Well, you won." he said then asked. "Outta' curiosity, where'd you go for that half hour?"
To which the Irish man laughed then replied. "Oh that! I went to the bar across the street to see if I could really do it first!"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp55ol/a_rich_oil_tycoon_from_texas_made_his_way_to/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp51ww/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
Two men are playing golf

and while smashing through the holes, get stuck behind a couple of female players.  The first man says to his opponent, "I'll go ahead and ask if we can go past!"
He comes back looking like he's seen a ghost and gasps: "I couldn't ask; one of the ladies was my wife and the other my mistress!" Regaining his breath he said, "You'll have to go and ask for us instead."
So the second player goes to ask the ladies.  Soon enough he returns with an equally alarmed look on his face.  "What happened?!" The first player asks, to which the second player replies, "Geez.  It's a small world, isn't it?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4ydw/two_men_are_playing_golf/
%
My wife and I were happy for 20 years

.........
Then we met

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4xr3/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_20_years/
%
What's black and noisy as hell?

A crow on a drumset.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4ws1/whats_black_and_noisy_as_hell/
%
What do a county fair and a clumsy prostitute have in common?

A hoedown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4wqh/what_do_a_county_fair_and_a_clumsy_prostitute/
%
Found my first grey pubic hair today. But I didn’t freak out...

Unlike everyone else inside the elevator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4wpm/found_my_first_grey_pubic_hair_today_but_i_didnt/
%
Are you offended by sexual assault jokes?

\#MeToo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4wkc/are_you_offended_by_sexual_assault_jokes/
%
What do you call a book club that's has been stuck on one book for years?

The church!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4too/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_has_been_stuck/
%
I'm so sick of millennials and their poor attitude...

Always walking around like they rent the place!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4t5t/im_so_sick_of_millennials_and_their_poor_attitude/
%
Your mama so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter O

She says, "OBCD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4rnv/your_mama_so_fat_she_starts_the_alphabet_with_the/
%
Why did the blind man walk through a house filled with crap?

He couldn’t see shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4qyh/why_did_the_blind_man_walk_through_a_house_filled/
%
What’s a jew’s favorite football position?

Quarterback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4o6t/whats_a_jews_favorite_football_position/
%
What did the mentally challenged person say to the other?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4mmy/what_did_the_mentally_challenged_person_say_to/
%
Horse looks at a car engine.

"I fail to see how 350 of us are going to fit in here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4mfe/horse_looks_at_a_car_engine/
%
Had to contact amazon, my sex toy wasnt delivered by drone.

They said they dont give a flying fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4j41/had_to_contact_amazon_my_sex_toy_wasnt_delivered/
%
No matter what you guys say, I’m not unsubscribing from James Charles

That entails having to subscribe to him in the first place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4b3t/no_matter_what_you_guys_say_im_not_unsubscribing/
%
Hey girl, are you from Iraq?

Cause I like the way you Baghdad ass up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp48tx/hey_girl_are_you_from_iraq/
%
AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look frank... there's that fucking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
My mom made this and sent it to me, I thought it belonged here so I posted it. I just copied and pasted, so sorry for the weird font.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp48a7/an_irish_ghost_story/
%
What is the difference between North Korea and South Korea?

South Korea has a Seoul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp47mq/what_is_the_difference_between_north_korea_and/
%
I don’t like using the word “gun” around certain people.

They might get triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp46hn/i_dont_like_using_the_word_gun_around_certain/
%
What do you call it when a rug goes skydiving?

Carpet Bombing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp4640/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_rug_goes_skydiving/
%
Got a good handjob in a vegetative state.

Cream of the crop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp44kl/got_a_good_handjob_in_a_vegetative_state/
%
A dad is driving with his 5 year old kid. The kid sees a prostitute

"Who's that lady, daddy?" Asks the kid
"She's uhh... a saleswoman"
"What does she sell?"
"Uhh... Happiness"
When they get home the kid takes all of his money from his piggy bank and goes to the prostitute.
"Hi i want to buy some happiness"
The prostitute looks confused at the kid. She takes him into a room and gives him some slices of toast with peanut butter and jam.
When the kid returns home his dad asks him:
"Where have you been and why did you take your money from the piggy bank with you?"
"I went to buy happiness from the saleswoman we saw earlier!"
"Oh my god. Please tell me what happened right now!" Says the dad terrified
"Well i had fun licking them and now my fingers are all sticky"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3zsu/a_dad_is_driving_with_his_5_year_old_kid_the_kid/
%
A little girl and her Mother were walking in a park...

There was a little girl and her mother walking in the park one day and they saw two teenager having sex on a bench.
the little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" the mother hesitates then quickly replies " Ummm... they are making cakes. Now come on, we'll go to the Zoo"
At the Zoo, the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "what are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, " they are making cakes. thats it we're going home"
the next day the girl says to her mother "mommy, you and daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?" Shocked, the Mother says "What? how do you know?"
She says "Because i licked the icing off the sofa."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3zqk/a_little_girl_and_her_mother_were_walking_in_a/
%
Little Johnny and George are talking in the classrom

Johnny:"Listen, I need you to do me a favor, George... Mrs. Sullivan gave me a F in sex ed...!"
George:" Woa, that sucks. What do you want me to do?"
Johnny:" When she walks into the classroom, raise her skirt so I can kick her in the balls!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3znx/little_johnny_and_george_are_talking_in_the/
%
So I finally decided to check out the local trans convention

It was such a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3yxq/so_i_finally_decided_to_check_out_the_local_trans/
%
In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3yko/in_1939_an_unusual_farm_animal_named_gertrude/
%
What do you call an evergreen with temporary godlike powers?

Spruce Almighty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3wlx/what_do_you_call_an_evergreen_with_temporary/
%
You shouldn’t make racist jokes.....

I have a good friend who’s a racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3rt1/you_shouldnt_make_racist_jokes/
%
Wanna know what disappointment feels like?

\[deleted\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3p41/wanna_know_what_disappointment_feels_like/
%
I got blackout-drunk last night and woke up with a really bad tattoo of a bowl of rice.

I was relieved when I realized it was pilaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3nr1/i_got_blackoutdrunk_last_night_and_woke_up_with_a/
%
Too big

I told my wife the other day that my stomach was getting too big. She said, "Why don't you diet?" I said, "The color is fine it's just too big!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3mpv/too_big/
%
I'm like a vacuum cleaner

I suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3lpu/im_like_a_vacuum_cleaner/
%
A drunk was walking down the street and approached a cop.

He told the cop "Someone stole my car."
The cop glanced at his partner, then replied "OK, so where did you leave it?"
The drunk said "right here on the end of this key."
The cop laughed and said "Well why don't you head on down to the station, they got all the forms you need to submit a report. But hey, before you get there you might want to zip up your fly"
The drunk looked down and said "Oh man.... they got my girl too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3kiw/a_drunk_was_walking_down_the_street_and/
%
How do you make a dog drink?

You put it in a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3jte/how_do_you_make_a_dog_drink/
%
My doctor said that he couldn't diagnose me in 240 characters or fewer...

Apparently my condition is untweetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3ikm/my_doctor_said_that_he_couldnt_diagnose_me_in_240/
%
I was going to tell a penis joke,

but I dont seem to have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3ijv/i_was_going_to_tell_a_penis_joke/
%
Why was master Yoda afraid of 7?

Because 9 7 8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3i29/why_was_master_yoda_afraid_of_7/
%
What do you call a country populated by people with weak bladders?

A uri-nation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3hzk/what_do_you_call_a_country_populated_by_people/
%
Windows might be better than Walls.

But we won't know until Bill Gates become President

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3fds/windows_might_be_better_than_walls/
%
My kid has a weight problem, but the doctor says he will outgrow it.

He should. He outgrew everything else!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3e2d/my_kid_has_a_weight_problem_but_the_doctor_says/
%
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral:

A man sitting next to her asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
She says: "Please do."
The man stands, clears his throat and says “Plethora”, then sits back down.
The woman says,  “Thanks, that means a lot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3bqw/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*gaging noises*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp3aw7/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!

Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp33pu/wow_honey_i_never_thought_our_son_would_go_that/
%
Rock climbing is not good for my mood swings.

Too many ups and downs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp2zce/rock_climbing_is_not_good_for_my_mood_swings/
%
In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp2z2g/in_1939_an_unusual_farm_animal_named_gertrude/
%
If I had a dollar for every time that Thanos told me he loves me

I would have 1500$

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp2x5n/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_that_thanos_told/
%
I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp2vob/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_same_thing/
%
I went to a gender reveal party.

It wasn't quite what I thought it would be.
My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp2vba/i_went_to_a_gender_reveal_party/
%
A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.
"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when I first put that notice up over a year ago, but no one has even been able to get past the first challenge, so folks've stopped tryin'." He offered in explanation.
Intrigued the stranger pressed on, "What do you have to do?"
"You see the bouncer over there?" The bartender pointed to a man that had the appearance of someone who could take on  Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson. "You have one punch to knock him out."
"After that, there's a crocodile out back that I've had as a pet for years -- has a toothache. You have to extract that tooth, and not get eaten."
"Finally, there's a hooker that works upstairs, never had a an orgasm. Right shame, that is. You have to give her an orgasm."
"Of course, there's a lot of money on the line so to up the stakes you have to purchase, and consume, enough liquor for me to be confident your piss drunk. Complete all three tasks, drinks are refunded and you're a million dollars richer!"
Man thinks hard on this, then agrees to give it a shot. "Cheers!" The bartender says as he pours the man his first glass of whiskey.
After the man seem sauced enough, the bartender gave him permission to begin. The man staggers over to the bouncer \*WHAM!!\* knocks him out cold in one punch.
Drunkenly making his way to the back, where the crocodile was waiting, he clumsily gets through the back door. There was suddenly a violent cacophony of growls and screams that met the ears of all inside, as everyone was sure the crocodile was killing the man.
"Damn!" Thought the bartender! No one had ever made it past the bouncer so he thought this man might actually have a chance, but blood stained clothing suddenly stuck to the back door window, and all though he couldn't see anything, he was sure the Croc had killed the man. Everything went quiet.
Suddenly the door burst open, and an exhausted bloody mess of a man, stumbled into the bar.
"Alright!" The stranger spat! "Where's that bitch with the toothache!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp2tx6/a_man_sees_a_sign_on_a_bar_window_win_1000000/
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Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp2sso/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp2sqq/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
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How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp2spx/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
What happens when water trips over?

Waterfall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp2rdf/what_happens_when_water_trips_over/
%
What do you call a masturbating cow???

Beef jerky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp2pir/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
%
Why can’t dinosaurs clap their hands?

Because they’re dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp2pax/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap_their_hands/
%
Redneck is swearing

He gets asked if he kisses his mother with that mouth to which he replys - why would I, my sister is much prettier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp2mlg/redneck_is_swearing/
%
Was in the pub with a mate last week...

... and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us.
My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone".
I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp2gk5/was_in_the_pub_with_a_mate_last_week/
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I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp27nv/i_had_the_best_dad_moment_last_night_actual/
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In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp25ov/in_early_the_who_gigs_their_drummer_would/
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My doctor recently told me I have a serious constipation problem.

I don’t give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp24te/my_doctor_recently_told_me_i_have_a_serious/
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Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp23xw/two_thai_girls_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_sleep_with/
%
I'm not going to bed tonight.

Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp22jf/im_not_going_to_bed_tonight/
%
Whats the most expensive haircut ?

Kemotherapy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp22a6/whats_the_most_expensive_haircut/
%
A guy has a weird disney fetish...

his friends look horrified and say "You fucked Up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1zxj/a_guy_has_a_weird_disney_fetish/
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I got the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' mixed up...

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1zbz/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_mixed_up/
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How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

They take the psychopath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1xkv/how_does_a_crazy_person_travel_through_the_woods/
%
Why did a bladesmith walk into a lingerie store?

Because he had heard that there was a sale on designer tongs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1x4v/why_did_a_bladesmith_walk_into_a_lingerie_store/
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Blonde lady walks into a library...

She says to the librarian, "I'd like a hamburger."
The librarian responds, "...this is a library."
The blonde lady says, "oh sorry! ^(I'd like a hamburger.)"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1x0j/blonde_lady_walks_into_a_library/
%
Lady Gaga once dated a fish

He felt that the relationship was abusive.
He was a cod in a bad romance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1vhb/lady_gaga_once_dated_a_fish/
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People with osteoporosis have pretty hard lives. You know what isn't hard?

Their bones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1ty7/people_with_osteoporosis_have_pretty_hard_lives/
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How did Reese eat her cereal?

Witherspoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1r3d/how_did_reese_eat_her_cereal/
%
What do you call a Reddit joke without a punchline?

Clickbait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1qkc/what_do_you_call_a_reddit_joke_without_a_punchline/
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A cow once climbed Mount Everest.

Ever since then, the steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1lyi/a_cow_once_climbed_mount_everest/
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Honey, do you think our relationship is getting distant?

I don’t think so. Kindest Regards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1j73/honey_do_you_think_our_relationship_is_getting/
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I remember when two Thai girls flirted with me, they asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right...

We had six matching balls.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1g7s/i_remember_when_two_thai_girls_flirted_with_me/
%
I read a true story about a guy who cries every time he masturbates.

A real tear jerker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1ebv/i_read_a_true_story_about_a_guy_who_cries_every/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1b6n/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike/
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Why did the Dalai Lama download the gambling app?

He'd heard they had an introductory offer that would make it Free Tibet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp19y4/why_did_the_dalai_lama_download_the_gambling_app/
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So my grandfather died from asbestosis

Took us a week to cremate him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp18dw/so_my_grandfather_died_from_asbestosis/
%
I used to put kumquats all over her melons, it was great. I wanted to run off to the New Zealand with her and secretly marry among the kiwis, but she told me she cantaloupe so I ended it.

No, there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp17vj/i_used_to_put_kumquats_all_over_her_melons_it_was/
%
Welcome to invisibility class!

Disappointing to see so many of you here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp13oe/welcome_to_invisibility_class/
%
What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp12dr/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
%
How do cannibals call athletes?

Fast food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp1173/how_do_cannibals_call_athletes/
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My wife is pastafarian whereas I belong to the United Church of Bacon

Our son believes in spaghetti carbonara.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp10e8/my_wife_is_pastafarian_whereas_i_belong_to_the/
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp0ydn/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon/
%
A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”
The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”
The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”
The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
NB—It can cost upwards of $60/day to park your car in Manhattan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp0xjc/a_woman_walks_into_a_bank_in_nyc_before_going_on/
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What has two legs and bleeds very strongly?

Half a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp0veb/what_has_two_legs_and_bleeds_very_strongly/
%
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...

You can't run, but you can hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp0t1k/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
What do a penis and a sponge have in common?

They go in hard and dry, and come out soft and wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp0pii/what_do_a_penis_and_a_sponge_have_in_common/
%
If you are in an airplane, how will you know if you are already in Barcelona?

Stick your hand out of the airplane's window. if it's hot, you might be in africa, if it's cold, you might be in russia. If you lose your watch, you are already in barcelona.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp0ou4/if_you_are_in_an_airplane_how_will_you_know_if/
%
Game of Thrones Season 08

Well that is a fucking joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp0nto/game_of_thrones_season_08/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp0kd4/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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Dad's Balls

After a successful strike dad would always love throwing the ball to the kids in the crowd.
After the 3rd time, he wasn't allowed in the bowling alley anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp0k2q/dads_balls/
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I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory

All I did was take one day off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp0jf0/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_the_calendar/
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You Want to hear a joke about cash machines?

Wait a sec... I can't think of one ATM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp0i9q/you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_cash_machines/
%
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?

Because they can’t even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp0hwr/why_do_teenagers_always_walk_in_groups_of_3_or_5/
%
A sandwich walked into a bar and orders a beer.....

and the bartender says
"I'm sorry but we don't serve food"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp0fij/a_sandwich_walked_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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- Do not be scared Mike...it is just a small cut with the scalpel...

- Excuse me doctor, my name is John.
- Oh yes, yes, I am Mike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp0ci9/do_not_be_scared_mikeit_is_just_a_small_cut_with/
%
What's worse than a baby in a bucket?

A baby in 8 buckets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bp086b/whats_worse_than_a_baby_in_a_bucket/
%
How do you handle hazardous materials?

Asbestos you can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bozubl/how_do_you_handle_hazardous_materials/
%
A man goes into the doctor.

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bozses/a_man_goes_into_the_doctor/
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What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bozqp2/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
%
A sketchy looking guy came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be part of some extreme mist group.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bozpfd/a_sketchy_looking_guy_came_into_my_shop_and/
%
I do a great flamingo impression...

I do a great flamingo impression, but my wife hates it! Every time I do it, she complains and tells me to cut it out. Eventually I just had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bozkt4/i_do_a_great_flamingo_impression/
%
They say balloons cost more these days because of helium shortages.

I think it's inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bozkbi/they_say_balloons_cost_more_these_days_because_of/
%
A cow was taken out of the farm...

[remooved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bozik8/a_cow_was_taken_out_of_the_farm/
%
I think my neighbor’s stalking me. She keeps searching my name on google...

I saw it through my binoculars last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bozihs/i_think_my_neighbors_stalking_me_she_keeps/
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A magician is working on a cruise ship...(long)

A magician is working on a cruise ship where he performs every night right after a circus act. As he amazes the audience, the animals sit on the side of the stage and watch. After months of the same show, a parrot gets bored and decides to have some fun.
At the end of each trick the parrot ruins the big reveal by squawking: "It's in his sleeve" or "She's under the stage".
After a couple days of this the magician has had it. The parrot ruins his big finale and without thinking, he takes a gun out of his sleeve and shoots at the bird. Not taking into account the sway of the cruise ship, he misses and hits the gas tanks right behind the bird.
The ship explodes into a thousand pieces, and the only two to survive the blast were the parrot and the magician. Clinging to bits of the boat floating in the water, they finally drift together. The magician and the parrot stare at each other for hours.
The parrot is the first to speak and squawks: "I give up, what did you do with the boat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bozfrl/a_magician_is_working_on_a_cruise_shiplong/
%
If you had a donkey

.
And I had a rooster.
And if your donkey ate both my roosters feet, what would you have?
Two feet of cock in your ass.
My favourite joke, I have never seen it here so I thought I would share.
P.S. my first post so please be kind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boz9qg/if_you_had_a_donkey/
%
A blonde goes to the doctor

She asks the doctor what she can do to help with her boyfriends dandruff.
"Give him head and shoulders" he replied .
The blonde thought for a minute and said "how do I give shoulders?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boz7fp/a_blonde_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
An Airbus is flying 30,000 feet in the air at 200,000 mph. Suddenly a eurofighter jet pulls up and slows down beside it and radioes it.

“Boring flight, huh, Airbus? Watch this!” The fighter proceeds to flip upside down and speed up, breaking the sound barrier before corkscrewing to skim the ocean, and coming up back beside the Airbus. “What’d you think?”
The Airbus pilot replies, “Not bad, but look at this.” The Airbus proceeds to fly straight for the next five minutes before the pilot comes on the radio again. “See?”
The fighter pilot is perturbed. “I don’t get it, what did you do?”
“I got up, stretched my legs, went to the bathroom and got a cinnamon bun.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boz0gw/an_airbus_is_flying_30000_feet_in_the_air_at/
%
Why was the ATM upset?

Because it was having withdrawals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boywr6/why_was_the_atm_upset/
%
How did the cow feel walking through a field of wheat?

Udderly tickled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boyrsg/how_did_the_cow_feel_walking_through_a_field_of/
%
A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover

He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note.
The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife".
Completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice, he walks through a spotless house to the kitchen, where a nice breakfast is waiting for him. His son is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book.
The man asks, "son, what the hell happened last night?"
"Well dad, you stumbled in at 3 AM, completely drunk, puked in the hallway, and pissed all over the toilet."
"Why is mom being so nice?"
"Because when she was trying to get you into bed, and mom was trying to take off your pants, you started screaming, BITCH LEAVE ME ALONE I'M MARRIED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boyrfv/a_man_wakes_up_after_a_night_out_with_the_boys/
%
What kind of music do mummies listen to?

Wrap music!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boyr9s/what_kind_of_music_do_mummies_listen_to/
%
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street together when they see a 12 year old boy.

The Priest turns to the Rabbi and says "I'd really like to screw him".
The Rabbi responds "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boypzh/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
My Girlfriend told me that I'm her anchor in her life.

I pull her down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boypl1/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_im_her_anchor_in_her/
%
A schoolmate paid me today, after I'd been helping him with geometry for a year...

We're square now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boyp51/a_schoolmate_paid_me_today_after_id_been_helping/
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There are two types of people in this world:...

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boymaq/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Why was the calendar nervous?

It’s days were numbered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boyjle/why_was_the_calendar_nervous/
%
Who is the cutest character on Dora the Explorer?

Benny, because he's a Dora bull.
(Thought of this all myself. I've reached full dad joke level here - please kill me.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boyjjr/who_is_the_cutest_character_on_dora_the_explorer/
%
I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win...

But no pun in 10 did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boyfq0/i_entered_10_puns_in_a_pun_contest_hoping_one/
%
How are diamond rings and cocaine similar?

Both are purchases you'll spend a whole month's paycheck on, and probably end feeling regret.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boyet2/how_are_diamond_rings_and_cocaine_similar/
%
Told by my 12 yr old sister - April Showers Bring May Flowers, but May Flowers...

Bring Pilgrims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boybsv/told_by_my_12_yr_old_sister_april_showers_bring/
%
I was at the museum the other day and saw my ex at the other end of the room

I was about to say hi but there is too much history between us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boya0v/i_was_at_the_museum_the_other_day_and_saw_my_ex/
%
Why couldn't the Mexican archer shoot his bow?

He didn't habanero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boy92w/why_couldnt_the_mexican_archer_shoot_his_bow/
%
We should vote more submissive bisexuals into office...

Because they actually live to serve everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boy8wu/we_should_vote_more_submissive_bisexuals_into/
%
I used to accept the fact that when you pee in public, sometimes you get other people's pee on your shoes...

But ever since my sex change operation, I just don't stand for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boy8vo/i_used_to_accept_the_fact_that_when_you_pee_in/
%
What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boxz3j/what_did_0_say_to_8/
%
Just been on Trip Advisor...

They recommended LSD and Magic Mushrooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boxx65/just_been_on_trip_advisor/
%
I once paid $20 to go see Prince in concert.

But I partied like it was $19.99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boxw9i/i_once_paid_20_to_go_see_prince_in_concert/
%
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they're gonna pay!

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boxw0a/someone_stole_my_microsoft_office_and_theyre/
%
An electron and a proton walk into a magnetic field...

Yes. That's it. There's no punchline. Physics isn't a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boxvz6/an_electron_and_a_proton_walk_into_a_magnetic/
%
Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Because they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boxtwr/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap_their_hands/
%
I feel like I’m running out of jokes...

[depleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boxtvr/i_feel_like_im_running_out_of_jokes/
%
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...

You can’t run, but you can hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boxszf/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
Your mother is so old,

she rewinds the Netflix videos before logging out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boxn5q/your_mother_is_so_old/
%
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boxh20/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_after_they_die/
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A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship

. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes,  and emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.
Then out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain you can imagine. He's got a peg leg, an eyepatch, a hook for a hand, a parrot on his shoulder, a long beard, a gold ear ring, and a saber at his side.
The new sailor is awestruck. He nudges a fellow sailor and and asks who he is.
"That's the captain. He's the fiercest pirate on all the seas."
"Wow! How did he lose the leg?"
"Crocodile in the waters of Africa. He killed it with his bare hands."
"WOW! How did he lose the hand?"
"Shark took it in the Caribbean. He killed it with the one good hand."
"WHOA! How did he lose his eye?"
"A bird shit in it."
"Ummm... What? He lost his eye from that?
"Yep. First day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boxfee/a_man_is_on_his_first_brutal_day_as_a_crewman_of/
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Why can’t you be metaphorical with kleptomaniacs?

Because they take everything, literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boxavk/why_cant_you_be_metaphorical_with_kleptomaniacs/
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What's Owen Wilson's favorite online game?

WoW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/box83j/whats_owen_wilsons_favorite_online_game/
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I propose a toast! To rattlesnakes and condoms...

Two thing I prefer not to fuck with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/box1jt/i_propose_a_toast_to_rattlesnakes_and_condoms/
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Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/box0rk/why_did_the_console_peasant_cross_the_road/
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Friends are a lot like trees

They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/box0qm/friends_are_a_lot_like_trees/
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Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowyv9/tonight_i_dreamt_of_a_beautiful_walk_on_a_sandy/
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Anyone want any copies of chiropractic monthly?

I've got loads of back issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowx4b/anyone_want_any_copies_of_chiropractic_monthly/
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A guy walks into bar alone and orders two beers.

"Are you expecting someone?" Asks the bartender.
"No, my brother is in the army and before leaving he told me that everytime i drink i have to also drink for him as well"
"That's nice of you, here this round is on the house"
A week or so passes and the guy orders two beers each time he goes to that bar. One day he orders only one beer.
"Oh my god, please don't tell your brother died!"
"Ah no, he's fine. It's just that i quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowwcl/a_guy_walks_into_bar_alone_and_orders_two_beers/
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So my twin brother called me from prison

He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boww9v/so_my_twin_brother_called_me_from_prison/
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I respect those participating in Ramadan. No way could I go thirty days without sex.

Unless my girlfriend is home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowvyf/i_respect_those_participating_in_ramadan_no_way/
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Jesus didn’t pay for our sins with cash or credit

He used praypal...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowtyj/jesus_didnt_pay_for_our_sins_with_cash_or_credit/
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Back in the 1980s, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee.

I'm telling you this now because there was no social media back then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowrwm/back_in_the_1980s_i_fell_off_my_bike_twisted_my/
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My partner asked how I got invited to the Archery Champions Ball.

I told her I had to pull a few strings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowrw1/my_partner_asked_how_i_got_invited_to_the_archery/
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What’s every mathematician’s pick up line?

Hey baby, what’s your sine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowrtj/whats_every_mathematicians_pick_up_line/
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It's amazing how far humans have come since the caveman days

when people used to communicate by writing on walls....oh wait, we still do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowr75/its_amazing_how_far_humans_have_come_since_the/
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Daffy duck

rings the hotel desk and asks for a condom.
They ask " shall we put it on your bill"  he says" are you thucking thupid I'll thuffocate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowpeu/daffy_duck/
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A guy applies for a job with his local police dept.

Instructor - "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, only one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six minorities and a rabbit."
Guy - "Why the rabbit?"
Instructor - "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowmdq/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_with_his_local_police_dept/
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What can a taxation auditor do that a duck can't?

Shove his bill up his ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowlqw/what_can_a_taxation_auditor_do_that_a_duck_cant/
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What do you call a ducks fart?

Butt quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowl4q/what_do_you_call_a_ducks_fart/
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Thanks to everyone who helped me define the word 'many'

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowjz7/thanks_to_everyone_who_helped_me_define_the_word/
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Why do atheists struggle with exponents?

They don’t believe in a higher power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowhhx/why_do_atheists_struggle_with_exponents/
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Have you heard about the rumour going around about butter?

Nevermind. I shouldn't spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowesv/have_you_heard_about_the_rumour_going_around/
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When do cannibals eat seafood?

When there is a shipwreck next to their island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bowb44/when_do_cannibals_eat_seafood/
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What do you call a bird with no teeth?

A bird. Birds don't have teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bow9w6/what_do_you_call_a_bird_with_no_teeth/
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A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bow7n9/a_guy_with_a_baby_on_board_sticker_just_backed/
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Whats the worst insult you can call Anakin Skywalker?

"Beach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bow57k/whats_the_worst_insult_you_can_call_anakin/
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Some people think nuclear physics is interesting

Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bovy54/some_people_think_nuclear_physics_is_interesting/
%
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bovxtz/an_old_tiredlooking_dog_wandered_into_the_yard_i/
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Three boys were called to the principals office...

When the first boy comes in, the principal asks him:
"now, why are you here little boy?"
"I was just keeping Morale high" the boy answers.
"well that's not a bad thing..." the principal thinks for himself.
When the second boy comes in, the principal asks him:
"now, why are you here little boy?"
"I was just getting Morale higher" the boy answers.
"well that's also not a bad thing..." the principal thinks for himself.
The principal calls in the third boy and asks him:
"now, why are you here little boy? Did you also try to get a higher morale?"
The boy then answers, "No sir, my name is Morale."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bovnw9/three_boys_were_called_to_the_principals_office/
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Why is it hard for cows to stand on two feet like humans?

Because they lack-toes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bovmj2/why_is_it_hard_for_cows_to_stand_on_two_feet_like/
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My friend just collapsed into a display of golf clubs,

Paramedics are doing what they can but he’s not out of the woods yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bovlsg/my_friend_just_collapsed_into_a_display_of_golf/
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Two men walk into a bar.

You’d think the second guy would’ve ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bov9aa/two_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A woman went to a psychic

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will be murdered this year.”
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the mystic’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: “Will I be acquitted?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bov7kg/a_woman_went_to_a_psychic/
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Only anti-vaxxers will get this

Measles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bov44b/only_antivaxxers_will_get_this/
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My Sewing skills aren't up to scratch...

Whoops! Wrong thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bov2tu/my_sewing_skills_arent_up_to_scratch/
%
How do you break up a fight between two blind people?

Yell, "I got money on the one with a knife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bov25z/how_do_you_break_up_a_fight_between_two_blind/
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This joke was posted by the user u/propane13 a year ago and it’s brilliant and I thought more people need to see it so here it is (I take absolutely no credit for this)

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing.
The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod."
"Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before."
"No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman.
The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC.
The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish."
"Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street".
"No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'.
"Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time".
"No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes."
The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?"
The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?"
The fisherman nods.
The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense.
He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?"
The fisherman says "I can't answer that here".
The bartender asks "Why not?"
The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bov0p5/this_joke_was_posted_by_the_user_upropane13_a/
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"Dude, I just curdled and strained milk!"

"That's impossible! There's no whey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bouyq2/dude_i_just_curdled_and_strained_milk/
%
Once, A long, long time ago, there was a woman who never complained, whined, or nagged.

But, as I said, it was a long long time ago, and only for a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bouujn/once_a_long_long_time_ago_there_was_a_woman_who/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalotapuss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bouri4/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bouoyf/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
A German Shepherd, Doberman, and a cat die and go to heaven.

God greets the three and asks each what they believe in.
First God asks the German Shepherd who replies "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master". God says " this is good, you can sit here at my right hand."
Next God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."
Finally God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies "I believe you are in my seat".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bouhfn/a_german_shepherd_doberman_and_a_cat_die_and_go/
%
- Homicide Department how can I help?

+ My mother-in-law please
- ... this is not how it works
+ Damn, ok nvm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bougsi/homicide_department_how_can_i_help/
%
What's a midget with a mental disability?

A little down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bougel/whats_a_midget_with_a_mental_disability/
%
I finally found someone who really care about me and can spend some hours to listen me and try to make me feel better

It’s my doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boug67/i_finally_found_someone_who_really_care_about_me/
%
What's a bigamist?

It's what Italians call a thick fog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boueyw/whats_a_bigamist/
%
German snow does not fall

It occupies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boue5x/german_snow_does_not_fall/
%
Obsolete joke; I went into the video store the other day, I asked if I could rent Batman Forever?

They said “No! But you can have it for three nights!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boudug/obsolete_joke_i_went_into_the_video_store_the/
%
Moses, Jesus, and an old old man are playing golf the other dayyyyy.... [longish]

Moses tees off, and the ball heads straight for the water hazard. *plop*
He walks over and uses his club to part the water, and smacks the ball up to the green. One more stroke gets him the par 3.
Jesus is up next and his ball too, goes straight for the water hazard. Luckily it hovers just above the water's surface. Another stroke is in the hole. One under par.
Now the old man steps up and tests the wind, shakes his hips a little and takes a swing.
The ball heads straight for the water hazard.
It lands on a lily-pad, a frog jumps up and swallows it, an eagle swoops down and grabs the frog, and the frog spits out the ball in terror. It falls right into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Moses shakes his head and says to Jesus
"I really hate playing with your dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bouc7u/moses_jesus_and_an_old_old_man_are_playing_golf/
%
What does dildo and tofu have in common?

They are meat replacement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bouamu/what_does_dildo_and_tofu_have_in_common/
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I got the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' mixed up.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bou4dd/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_mixed_up/
%
A man goes on vacation and comes back home with stomach pain...

He goes to see a doctor, and after some testing, the doctor informs the man that he has worms in his stomach. The man begs the doctor for a remedy; so the doctor tells him to go to the market and get the sweetest watermelon he can find. After that, the doctor tells the man to go home, remove his clothing and sit on the watermelon. He explains how the worms will exit his body and move into the sweet watermelon. The doctor explains that if everything works, the man should be cured! So the man excitedly goes home and follows the doctors instructions. He sits on the watermelon and the worms start migrating down towards it. The leader of the worms inspects the sweet watermelon, and then shouts “Alright boys, bring it up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bou4cq/a_man_goes_on_vacation_and_comes_back_home_with/
%
An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.

The teacher says, 'Save the children!'
The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'
The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bott8i/an_elementary_school_teacher_a_lawyer_a_catholic/
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What's it called when a bunch of white men sit on a bench?

The NBA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/botskw/whats_it_called_when_a_bunch_of_white_men_sit_on/
%
I need help with my Sewing

Whoops, wrong thread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/botnea/i_need_help_with_my_sewing/
%
The vagina has more than eight thousand nerve endings

But, it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/botk3f/the_vagina_has_more_than_eight_thousand_nerve/
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What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?

When they come in they're really wet and blow really hard, and when they leave they take your house and car with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/botgn4/what_does_a_woman_and_a_hurricane_have_in_common/
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A lawyer dies and goes to heaven

Upon arriving at the pearly gates he sees a great crowd of welcomers and well wishers. It’s a huge party, all for him, with welcome banners, a choir, the whole shebang.
St Peter claps him in the shoulders and says “welcome home at last my long awaited child.”
“I don’t understand, why all the fuss? I was a nobody, really.” The lawyer says, dumbstruck.
“You were the oldest person to ever live, my child. But you’ve finally finished the race and you are home at last. That is why we’ve made such a big deal,” Peter answers.
“What are you talking about? I was forty five and died of a heart attack!” He protests.
Peter looks perplexed. “There must be some mistake, according to your billing hours you were at least a hundred and thirty!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/botdtd/a_lawyer_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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My friend told me to stop singing "I'm a believer" from Shrek, I thought she was joking.....

And then I saw her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/botcz0/my_friend_told_me_to_stop_singing_im_a_believer/
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Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will just let it go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bot807/courtesy_of_my_11_yr_old_why_dont_you_give_elsa_a/
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Whats it called when you cum in a jigglypuff?

A creampuff.
please dont hurt me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bot5ss/whats_it_called_when_you_cum_in_a_jigglypuff/
%
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick.

She still isn’t talking to me :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bot22t/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
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A young man and his wife are about to make love [NSFW]

A bee flies in the window and into her vagina.  Understandably, this upsets them both, the husband calls the doctor and explains the situation.  “Just stay where you are, don’t move, and try to keep your wife calm,” says the old doctor.
After inspecting the situation, the doctor looks at the young man and says “I think I can get him out but you’re going to have to trust me.”
The husband says “Whatever you think will work, just get the bee out.”
So the doctor fetches a jar of honey, drops his pants, and dabs a little on the head of his penis, explaining “I’m going to see if I can lead the bee out.”
He slides in slowly, nods his head, and starts backing out but shakes his head, “Damn, I lost him.  I’m going to try again.”  He does this three or four more times, each time shaking his head on the way out.  So he shrugs his shoulders, grabs both of the wife’s breasts, and starts ramming her and grunting.
“Doctor!  What in the hell do you think you’re doing?!?”
“Change of plans, I’m gonna drown that sonofabitch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bosn6q/a_young_man_and_his_wife_are_about_to_make_love/
%
I always dreamed of being a comedian.

But everyone laughed at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bosm6h/i_always_dreamed_of_being_a_comedian/
%
I miss my students a lot...

Over time, they've gotten really good at dodging the chalkboard erasers I throw at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bosleo/i_miss_my_students_a_lot/
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Why did the Vegan cross the road?

To tell the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bosiq4/why_did_the_vegan_cross_the_road/
%
I've been dealing with intermittent impotence

It gets hard sometimes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bosi3h/ive_been_dealing_with_intermittent_impotence/
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Alabama is the best place to be from!

Since it means you currently aren’t there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bosi0b/alabama_is_the_best_place_to_be_from/
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Did you hear about the Leper who laughed too hard?

He laughed his ass off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boshx3/did_you_hear_about_the_leper_who_laughed_too_hard/
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What do you call it when you don’t want to talk to someone in Minecraft?

You block them.
P.S. Happy ten years Minecraft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bosfwm/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_dont_want_to_talk_to/
%
Alabama just passed a law banning abortion even in cases of rape and incest

If it weren't for rape and incest, would Alabama even exist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boscqm/alabama_just_passed_a_law_banning_abortion_even/
%
Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bos732/justice_is_best_served_cold/
%
It's 2019 now. "Flame Retardant" is not OK anymore.

Some things simply have a burning disability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bos5nz/its_2019_now_flame_retardant_is_not_ok_anymore/
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What do you call it when you scare someone so bad they shit themselves?

Getting shartled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bos525/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_scare_someone_so_bad/
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I love my wife but she can be a little bossy from time to time.

Today she told me to stop acting like a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/borwbb/i_love_my_wife_but_she_can_be_a_little_bossy_from/
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Light travels faster than sound.....

Which is why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/borrtj/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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Parrot food

I go into a pet shop and ask an employee where the parrot food is.  "At the back of the store on the right" she says.  I immediately go there, tear open a bag and start eating from it.  The employee comes to me and asks "do you think this is normal?"  I look a bit surprised at her and say "do you think this is normal?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/borr74/parrot_food/
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What do you name a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?

Sparky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/borl2j/what_do_you_name_a_dog_with_no_hind_legs_and/
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My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. [OC]

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. Whenever we are walking in public and he sees a girl he likes, he always says, “Look at that ass tho.”
After years of getting fed up with his comments, I decide to make him a sculpture for his birthday. I carved a beautiful donkey out of play-doh.
When I finally gave it to him I said, “instead of just looking, now you can play with dat ass dough.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/borksg/my_brother_has_this_really_annoying_habit_of/
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The airplane joke

So A lawyer, a priest, and a teacher are all on a plane.
So the plane goes down and the teacher says “SAVE THE CHILDREN.”
The lawyer says “FUCK THE CHILDREN”.
And then priest says “Is there time?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bork7t/the_airplane_joke/
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What would you call a book about redditors having sex

Karma Sutra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/borjcz/what_would_you_call_a_book_about_redditors_having/
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I love the smell of moth balls...

but it's so hard to hold their little legs apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bori0h/i_love_the_smell_of_moth_balls/
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What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/borh8n/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_hit_the_wall/
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I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell

They were slugging it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bordxj/i_just_saw_two_naked_snails_fighting_over_a_shell/
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What do you call it when you kill a bug?

A pesticide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/borc61/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_kill_a_bug/
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Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bor8y1/twenty_years_from_now_kids_are_gonna_think_baby/
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Have you guys heard about these mints that improve your strategic thinking abilities?

They're called Tac Tics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bor8hc/have_you_guys_heard_about_these_mints_that/
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A boy approached his mother...

Boy: Mom, why were you bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?
Mom: Oh... Well... Daddy has been gaining weight recently, I was helping him lose weight by pressing his stomach down.
Boy: Oh, I don't think that will work.
Mom: Why?
Boy: Because when you're not around, the neighbor would just blow him back up again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bor61n/a_boy_approached_his_mother/
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Some people usually say my jokes are reposts

But those are their words, not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bor55y/some_people_usually_say_my_jokes_are_reposts/
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Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."   The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."   The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boqymr/two_thieves_break_into_a_house_once_inside_they/
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A pilot and a copilot are getting ready to land their plane on an exotic foreign runway on a foggy day

The pilot says “I’ve heard that this runway is pretty short, so why don’t you go ahead and give me quarter flaps, so we can slow this plane down. The copilot acknowledges, and gives quarter flaps.
As they begin to see the runway through the fog, they start to see how short the runway is. The pilot nervously says “This runway is shorter than I thought! Give me half flaps, we’ve got to slow this plane down! The copilot, also nervous, gives him half flaps.
The pilot, beginning to see the runway more clearly now through the fog, starts to panic at how short the runway is. “Give me three quarter flaps!” He shouts. The copilot gives him three quarter flaps as fast as he can.
All of a sudden, just as they are about to land, the fog breaks and they can see just how short the runway is. The pilot screams at his copilot “My god this runway is short! Give me full flaps, or we’ll crash! The copilot gives full flaps at blinding speed, while sweating more than he ever has in his life.
They careen towards the runway, and as soon as they touch down, they slow to a complete stop before the plane can roll off the other side of the runway. “Wow” says the pilot. “This runway is shorter than our plane is!”
“Yeah” says the copilot. “But it sure is wide!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boqxie/a_pilot_and_a_copilot_are_getting_ready_to_land/
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Three nuns go to Heaven...

And when they are at the gates, Saint Peter says:
"I know you have sinned, I see it in your eyes. Before you walk through these gates you must atone for your sins. Sister Isabella, your eyes once coveted the flesh of a man. You must wash your eyes with Holy Water and you'll be free of sin and then you will walk in Heaven. Please proceed to the Holy Water Basin and clean thy eyes at once"
He then addresses the second nun:
"Sister Laura, your hands once touched money that was obtained form a robbery. Go forth and clean thy hands with Holy Water and your sin will be atoned, and then you will walk through the Gates of Heaven"'
Saint Peter then looked around, looking for Sister Jennifer, but he couldn't find her. He asked:
"Where did Sister Jennifer go?"'
To which one of the nuns replied:
"She'll be right back, she's over there gargling some Holy Water"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boqwu1/three_nuns_go_to_heaven/
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How much does a skeleton weigh?

One skeleTON
I may have heard this before. Just call me out on where it’s been and I’ll take this down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boqwik/how_much_does_a_skeleton_weigh/
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Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What is he happy about?

All the things he didn't know he kneaded.
Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What was he surprised by?
How much was kneaded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boqvqy/guy_goes_to_get_a_massage_for_the_first_time_what/
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My dad suffers from short term memory loss...

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boqn38/my_dad_suffers_from_short_term_memory_loss/
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A Caucasian man sees a Middle Eastern looking fellow at a buffet

The caucasian man asks "Aren't Muslims supposed to fast during Ramadan?"
"Sir, I'm Sikh", replies the fellow.
"Oh, then get well soon", says the Caucasian man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boqd4t/a_caucasian_man_sees_a_middle_eastern_looking/
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A biology teacher asks a student a question about the homework

Mr. Ambrose says: "Suzie, which part of the human body gets 10 times bigger whenever it is stimulated?"
The whole class starts laughing, and Suzie panicked, saying: "you can't get me to say that, it's inappropriate!
Through all the chaos, Gavin raises his hand and yells: "isn't it the pupil?"
Mr. Ambrose responds with "Yes Gavin, it is the pupil."
Mr. Ambrose then looks at Suzie and tells her:
"I've learned three things about you today Suzie."
* You don't do your homework.
* You have a *very* dirty mind.
* And you'll be *really* disappointed one day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boqasl/a_biology_teacher_asks_a_student_a_question_about/
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An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.
"You must mean the lift," he said.
"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."
"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".
"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."
"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boq7jz/an_american_visiting_in_england_asked_at_the/
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I got gas today for $1.39

Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boq2fw/i_got_gas_today_for_139/
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I'm stuck on a crossword. The clue is "overworked postman"...

-- Hmm, how many letters?
Thousands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bopvxy/im_stuck_on_a_crossword_the_clue_is_overworked/
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Upon preparing for our vacation to Iran, I asked my friend, "Should I bring weed?"

He replied: "Only gay people get stoned where we're going."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bopvik/upon_preparing_for_our_vacation_to_iran_i_asked/
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I love to tell jokes in elevators

They work on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bopsyy/i_love_to_tell_jokes_in_elevators/
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I just flew in from Chernobyl,

And boy are my arms legs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bopqta/i_just_flew_in_from_chernobyl/
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If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bopng0/if_your_eyes_hurt_after_drinking_coffee/
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Why was the Jewish kid who transferred to the catholic school suddenly so good at math?

He saw the guy stapled to the plus sign and knew they meant business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bopiqa/why_was_the_jewish_kid_who_transferred_to_the/
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Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?

They had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bophbg/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_who_couldnt/
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bop99i/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
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The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bop56k/the_canadian_government_is_considering_forcing/
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Donald Trump is enacting tariffs on $200bn of Chinese goods, harming consumers like me.

I'm tariffied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bop3az/donald_trump_is_enacting_tariffs_on_200bn_of/
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If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.

Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bop2b6/if_youre_having_a_bad_day_just_punch_an_orphan/
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Why should you never ask Rick Astley if you can borrow his complete collection of Pixar movies?

Because he’s never gonna give you ‘Up.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bop0xe/why_should_you_never_ask_rick_astley_if_you_can/
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What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/booz20/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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Nurse comes in and tells the doctor “there is a man in the waiting room that says he is invisible. What should I tell him?”

Doctor replies, “tell him I can’t see him today. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/booyzu/nurse_comes_in_and_tells_the_doctor_there_is_a/
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Crazy, nothing and no-one

Crazy, Nothing and no-one are sitting in a boat. After a big wave no-one falls out out the boat! “Quickly, call an ambulance!” Shouts nothing.
Crazy calls 911 and says: “help! I’m crazy, i am calling for nothing, because no-one fell out of the boat!”
Anyway this joke was really funny in my language, i hope it translates somewhat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/booy62/crazy_nothing_and_noone/
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James Charles.

Thats the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boowem/james_charles/
%
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boouq0/a_blonde_woman_visits_her_husband_in_prison/
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Yo momma's so poor

Her bank account looks like a college graduate's
Edit :Your momma's so stupid, she thought Reddit Gold was the name of a Jewish banker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bootuv/yo_mommas_so_poor/
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Why did the French chef visit the sex therapist?

Boner Petite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boot3m/why_did_the_french_chef_visit_the_sex_therapist/
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This dude walked up to me and was like “bro, do you want this pamphlet?”

Bro, sure!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boop38/this_dude_walked_up_to_me_and_was_like_bro_do_you/
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A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with the steering wheel from a ship down his pants.
The bar tender takes a look at him and asks: "Isn't that uncomfortable?"
The pirate replies: "Arrrr, drives me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/booopo/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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Just a reminder

In Swedish, the word Gråtrunka means to cry while masturbating, and the fact that they needed a word for that is a real...
tear jerker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boonkh/just_a_reminder/
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Indian: "That your cat?"

Pakistani: "Yes"
Indian: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Pakistani: "Cats don't talk.”
Indian: Hey catty, how's it going?"
Cat: "Doing all right."
Pakistani: (look of shock)
Indian: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Pakistani)
Cat: "Yes."
Indian: How's he treating you?"
Cat: "Real good. He rubs my belly twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Pakistani: (Look of total disbelief!)
Indian: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Pakistani: "Horses don't talk.”
Indian: "Hey horsey how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Pakistani: (Extreme look of shock!)
Indian: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Pakistani)
Horse: "Yep."
Indian: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Pakistani: (Look of total amazement!)
Indian: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"
Pakistani: "That goat's a fucking liar!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boolf4/indian_that_your_cat/
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A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".
"That's correct", the Rabbi says.
Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"
"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a deli and had a ham sandwich. Can I ask a question? I understand that Priests are supposed to be strictly celibate. Have you ever, you know, been with a woman?"
The Priest pauses for a second, and says, "I must admit that yes I have. I was still in the seminary and there was a girl that worked in a store nearby. First we were friends, and then I succumbed to temptation. I deeply regret it."
Rabbi says, "Beats the hell out a ham sandwich, huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/booh7f/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_sitting_next_to_each/
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What’s the name of the second studio album by Nirvana?

Nevermind, I found it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boog5k/whats_the_name_of_the_second_studio_album_by/
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I was given a choice at birth I could either have a large penis or a good memory

I don’t remember which one I picked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/booaq9/i_was_given_a_choice_at_birth_i_could_either_have/
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The doctor handed the man a baby and said, "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it..."

The man handed the baby back and said, "Well, give me the one my wife did make!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boo9ai/the_doctor_handed_the_man_a_baby_and_said_im/
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Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation.  He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?"  He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time."  So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, whiskeys, rum, vodka, wine, etc.  "Very well," Satan says.  "You'll spend the next hundred years in here."  "Hell yes!" the first man replies and jogs into the room while Satan locks the door behind him.
"What about you?" Satan asks the second man.  "It was definitely lust for me.  I shagged every woman I could in every way I could.  I couldn't stay faithful to any of my wives."  "Very well," Satan replies and opens a door to reveal acre upon acre of beautiful, horny women in every imaginable configuration; blondes, brunettes, redheads, Asian, African, fat, skinny, voluptuous, etc.  "I'll be back for you in a hundred years."  "Hell yeah!" the second man exclaims as he charges into the room, stripping off his clothes as he goes.  Satan locks the door behind him as well.
"And last but not least, what about you?  What was your favorite sin in life?" Satan says to the third man.  "Man, it was definitely the drugs.  I was high all the damn time," replies the third man.  So Satan leads him to another room and opens the door to reveal a fat joint the size of a telephone pole lying in the middle of the room.  "Alright alright alright!" the third man says as he walks in and sits down cross-legged in front of the giant doobie with a huge grin on his face.  Satan says, "You know the drill, I'll be back for you in a hundred years." as he locks the door.
100 years pass and Satan unlocks the first door.  The first man comes crawling out, covered in a hundred years worth of vomit, excrement, and piss.  Dry heaving, he looks up at Satan and says "I swear to God, I will NEVER drink again!"  Satan nods and says "You've repented of your sin so I'm going to give you a second chance at life."
Satan unlocks the second door and the second man drags himself outside with his arms because nothing below his waist is working anymore.  He's hollow-eyed, emaciated, and covered in scratches and claw marks.  "As God is my witness, I'm never even going to LOOK at a woman again!"  Satan replies "Very well, you're repented of your sin so you get a second shot at life."
Satan unlocks the third door to find the third man still sitting cross-legged with bloodshot eyes.  And the enormous joint still sitting right in front of him.  The man wipes the tears from his face, looks at Satan and sobs out, "Hey man, got a light?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boo7iy/three_guys_die_and_go_to_hell_long/
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Jesus and Moses are having a conversation in heaven...

Jesus "Moses, people are starting to lose faith and I don't know what to do about it"
Moses "Well, the last time you preformed some miracles in person, it really made people gain faith"
Jesus "Thats a good idea"
So Jesus and Moses go down to earth to a heavily populated beach.
Moses says to Jesus "Why don't you try walking on water, Peter had no doubt after seeing that"
Jesus again states "Thats a grand idea"
So Jesus begins to walk out on the water but notices that every step still touches the sand at the bottom.
Jesus looks at Moses "I don't know why it's not working this time around, do you think it's because they stopped believing"
Moses says "I'm not sure but the last time you did this, you didn't have holes in your feet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boo6ye/jesus_and_moses_are_having_a_conversation_in/
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My friend has an obsession with collecting mugs.. I tried to help.. but...

He claims that he has a handle on his cup problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boo3km/my_friend_has_an_obsession_with_collecting_mugs_i/
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I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boo1ty/ive_developed_a_fetish_for_figuring_things_out/
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My wife left me because I'm too insecure...

No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boo09p/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

They become VERY ANGRY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boo07s/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
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I would post a joke about Buddhism

But I don’t have enough karma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bonzri/i_would_post_a_joke_about_buddhism/
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After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule.

That was a weight off my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bonwaj/after_weeks_of_keeping_it_secret_i_confessed_to/
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I sang the quadratic formula to my gf

I found 'x'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bonu41/i_sang_the_quadratic_formula_to_my_gf/
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Sadly, I buried my wife 2 days ago. And my friend, trying to be considerate, asked me when she died. - I replied, “...

Not quite sure. Probably sometime yesterday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bonp5g/sadly_i_buried_my_wife_2_days_ago_and_my_friend/
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George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said "Ok, I'll produce"
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, i'll write, I'll write."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bonlgt/george_clooney_leonardo_dicaprio_and_matthew/
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I asked two guys dressed like each other if they were gay.

So they arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boniuk/i_asked_two_guys_dressed_like_each_other_if_they/
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An elf courier walked through a dense, mystical forest

Carrying a sealed message from his king with only a map to show where to deliver it to
&nbsp;
As he arrived at his destination, he could see movement in the huge, thousand-year old enchanted oak trees and decided to take a closer look
&nbsp;
Upon inspection, he discovered that they were treants! He realised that he had been sent to deliver a message to the kingdom of sentient trees,
&nbsp;
He stopped to ask them directions towards where he should hand in the letter, as he moved closer he realised they were working on a particularly strange looking tree with millions of tiny branches winding like coils.
&nbsp;
“Ahem,” he began, “I’m sorry to bother you but I have been sent to deliver a message to your king, where can I find him?”
&nbsp;
The two treants slowly turned around and looked upon him with suspicious eyes, however they soon relaxed as they realised the elf was alone and not armed.
&nbsp;
“We have no king, only the Great Elder, you can carry onwards west until you find the tall ebony arches which signifies the Royal Halls.” One treant said, speaking softly and well-mannered, before him and his friend turned back to work on the mysterious tree.
&nbsp;
Curious, the elf wished to learn more about what the treants were doing;
“What is it that you’re working on?” he asked,
&nbsp;
Yet again, the treants slowly turned around before stating;
“This is the communication tree, it has magic infused within which can allow us to speak with our kind through it’s many branches, it is our job to send messages and keep it well-maintained.”
&nbsp;
Satisfied, the elf thanked them for the information and carried on towards the Royal Halls.
&nbsp;
Upon arrival, he was ushered into the Great Elder’s chambers, where he was met with darkness and a great silence.
&nbsp;
Suddenly, a loud, booming voice echoed through the room;
“Who enters the Great Chamber?”
&nbsp;
The elf was rather spooked by the noise and slinked back before whimpering out the words “I am just a messenger from the elven kingdom,”
&nbsp;
Out of the corner of the room, a giant tree with grey bark and ritualistic carvings slowly stepped into the dim light.
&nbsp;
“I welcome you,” the treat said, a little more softly this time, “I apologise for any discomfort I may have caused you, for sometimes even I do not know the strength of my own voice.”
&nbsp;
The elf delivered the letter to the Elder and turned to leave, but was stopped by the Great Elder;
&nbsp;
“Wait, before you go, I wish to apologise for scaring you, it was not my intention. Please, allow me,”
&nbsp;
The treant gave the confused elf food and water before speaking again;
&nbsp;
“I wish to talk to you, I am over a thousand years old and I do not get much company aside from other treants who come here only to worship me. Please, I am somewhat lonely, will you stay and chat with me?”
&nbsp;
The elf didn’t want to refuse an offer from the Great Elder - that would be insulting to the whole treant kingdom! So, he accepted, and the two sat for hours chatting about their lives, the elven and treant homes, the differences between their races and how the letter the elf had just delivered was a peace offering between the two kingdoms.
&nbsp;
However, it was clear that the Elder had very poor social skills, as he sounded and looked uncomfortable and sometimes had nothing to say.
&nbsp;
To lighten the mood, the elf decided to tell a joke.
&nbsp;
He said, “Why did the boar cross the footpath?”
&nbsp;
After a few seconds of intense contemplation, the Elder replied “In order for the boar to cross the footpath, it would have had to have been close to the road, however they are skittish creatures and often do not wander into intelligent civilisation, so the probability of this occurrence would be so incredibly low that I have not considered it ever happening, and unfortunately I do not have an answer to this question.”
&nbsp;
The elf, dumbfounded, decided to carry on with the joke and say,
“To get to the other side!”
&nbsp;
The Great Elder thought for an even longer duration, before finally replying,
“Yes, I suppose that is a plausible reason for movement.”
&nbsp;
The elf then realised that the treant had never heard a joke in it’s life! He decided to then teach the Elder how to tell jokes. He explained, in detail, the intricacies of humour to the Elder, who quietly listened with intent.
&nbsp;
Finally, the elf said, “I have taught you all I know, now I wish to see if I have been successful in my mentoring, please tell me a joke,”
&nbsp;
The Elder steeled himself and thought precariously for 4 long minutes, the elf getting impatient, before finally beginning to speak.
&nbsp;
“Why did the Griffin fly south instead of east in the springtime?”
&nbsp;
The elf replied “I don’t know, why *did* the Griffin fly south instead of east in the springtime?”
&nbsp;
The great treant then replied, in the most monotonous voice; “Because he thought that it was summertime instead of springtime!”
&nbsp;
The Great Elder burst out laughing with the deepest and heartiest laugh imaginable.
&nbsp;
“Do you understand? Because Griffins normally fly east in the springtime and south in the summertime, but this particular Griffin had mistaken springtime for summertime and flown south instead of east!”
&nbsp;
The elf, not wanting to cause any insult, decided to laugh along with the Great One, however he did not feel like the Elder truly understood the concept of a joke.
&nbsp;
Upon leaving the kingdom to return to his home, the elf found the first two treants he had seen on his journey, and wanted to thank them before making his return.
&nbsp;
As he approached, he saw that they were still working on the magical tree used for the treant’s communications. This time it was twitching and lighting up, it seems the tree was working and the treants were sending messages.
&nbsp;
“Hello, I thank you again for your directions, I have successfully delivered my letter and will be heading off shortly.”
&nbsp;
The treants slowly turned around before waving him off, when one treant said
“Watch out for the two-dimensional spiderlings, I heard that they are a real *plane* in the backside!”
&nbsp;
The elf laughed out loud, uncontrollably from the unexpected joke.
&nbsp;
“You like that?” The other treant said, “I have one of my own, why did the necromancer’s skeletons flee the battle?”
&nbsp;
The elf smiled and waited for the punchline;
&nbsp;
“Because they had no guts!”
&nbsp;
Again the elf burst out laughing, even harder than the last time.
&nbsp;
“Wow, you guys are great at telling jokes, much better than the Great Elder.” said the elf,
&nbsp;
The treants replied; “Why of course, everybody knows the best jokes are always in the comm-ents!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bongqg/an_elf_courier_walked_through_a_dense_mystical/
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So this mom and son where walking through the park and see some teens having sex

The child says: Mommy what are they doing?
Quickly the mom says: They are making cakes
So they went to the zoo and some Zebras where having sex and the kid said: Look Mommy they are making cakes!!
the next day the kid said to the mom: You and daddy where making cakes last night on the couch!!
Shocked, the mom said: How did you know??
The kid said: I tasted the frosting, it wasn’t very yummy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bongh2/so_this_mom_and_son_where_walking_through_the/
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I hate how my British friends make fun of Americans for losing an entire country to a bunch of rice farmers.

But then I tell them they lost an entire subcontinent to a guy who wouldn't eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bongbu/i_hate_how_my_british_friends_make_fun_of/
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A man walks into a bar...

The bartender greets him and says, “For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing.”
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.
The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.
“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”
He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.”
The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!”
All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky.
The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!”
The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bon7sn/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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When I’m trying to pick up girls I ask them, are you Shrek?

Because you’ve got an ass that talks back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bon779/when_im_trying_to_pick_up_girls_i_ask_them_are/
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Right to remain silent

**The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.**
**I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bomz23/right_to_remain_silent/
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How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

When you open them they are half empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bomyk7/how_is_a_pushup_bra_like_a_bag_of_chips/
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Why didn’t the antivaxx kid get any upvotes.

Because he died in new.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bompwi/why_didnt_the_antivaxx_kid_get_any_upvotes/
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What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch, and the other watches your snatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bomoab/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
%
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?

If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bommqv/what_do_forklifts_and_girls_have_in_common/
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What do you call 10 cucumbers lined up waiting for a bus?

A quecumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bomm3z/what_do_you_call_10_cucumbers_lined_up_waiting/
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What does a gay person suffering from osteogeneza imperfecta says?

I am so gay not even my legs are straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bomj0k/what_does_a_gay_person_suffering_from_osteogeneza/
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A man is at the gates to hell...

In front of him are 2 gigantic doors. One is made of twisted red oak, and the other of smooth polished iron.
Sitting between the doors are 2 huge red identical looking demons. One is seated on an enormous ornately carved ivory chair. The other on an identically carved but shining black ebony chair.
Suddenly, a booming voice from above announces: “Mortal! Listen well, for your salvation depends on it. One of these doors leads to a life of eternal paid and suffering in the realm of hell. The other will gain you your freedom. These demons will guide you, but beware, while one will always answer with the truth, the other speaks only falsehoods. You may ask but one question.”
The demon in the black chair immediately booms: “I am the one who tells the truth.”
The other demon says to you in the same booming voice: “do not listen to my brother Gias, he is the liar.”
The first one turns and yells: “Me the liar?! No! You are the liar. You are Gias, I am Goil, and we are NOT brothers.”
They bicker at each other for a long while. The man listens closely and can hear no inconsistency in either demon’s statements. He ponders for a long time, sweating nervously. Minutes turn to hours as he tries to think of a way out.
Sudden he steps forward smiling. Turning to the demon on the left, he says: “I am ready to ask my question.” Then he asks in a confident voice: “What would he say,” indicating the other demon, “if I asked him if the red door leads to hell?”
The demon slowly stands to his full height of 20 feet. He turns his head to consider at the man. After a long pause he says:
“Cheeseburger”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bomh3d/a_man_is_at_the_gates_to_hell/
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The Bengal Tiger is capable of jumping higher than an average two story colonial house.

This is because of their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average 2 story colonial home can't jump very high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bomgvz/the_bengal_tiger_is_capable_of_jumping_higher/
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Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

He broke the g-string while fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bom1gd/why_did_the_guitar_teacher_get_arrested/
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Jeremy Clarkson's 3 rules of car repair:

1. Always use the right tool for the job.
2. The right tool is always a hammer.
3. Every tool can be used as a hammer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bolfir/jeremy_clarksons_3_rules_of_car_repair/
%
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bolfbd/ill_never_forget_my_grandpas_last_words/
%
My landlord wanted to talk to me about my high heating bill...

I said, "come on by, my door is always open."
(thanks to u/porichoygupto)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bol9gy/my_landlord_wanted_to_talk_to_me_about_my_high/
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A father cooks a deer for dinner and doesn't Tell the children what it is, he gives them a hint and says "it's what your mother calls me"

The son quickly yells out "its a fucking dick don't eat it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bol95a/a_father_cooks_a_deer_for_dinner_and_doesnt_tell/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that said no

They would eventually say yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bol6qu/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_said_no/
%
3 generations of prostitutes were sitting around a table one night...

The daughter complains,"This year has been rough. I'm only getting $20 to fuck a guy!"
The mother pipes up and says, "Back in my day we only got $10 bucks!"
Then the grandmother speaks up and says, "During the Great Depression we were happy to just have something warm in our bellies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bol697/3_generations_of_prostitutes_were_sitting_around/
%
What's Thanos' favourite app?

Snapchat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bol1zr/whats_thanos_favourite_app/
%
Why do black people only have nightmares

The last one to have a dream got shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bol1f8/why_do_black_people_only_have_nightmares/
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I can count on one hand the number of times i went to Chernobyl.

13

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bol141/i_can_count_on_one_hand_the_number_of_times_i/
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Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can’t even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bokzp4/why_do_teenage_girls_hang_out_in_oddnumbered/
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My wife ask me to stop singing wonderwall to her

I said maybe..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bokz5q/my_wife_ask_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall_to_her/
%
The toothbrush was invented in Alabama. How do we know?

If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bokz3i/the_toothbrush_was_invented_in_alabama_how_do_we/
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Masturbating

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bokuxe/masturbating/
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I’ve just started to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boktpu/ive_just_started_to_read_a_horror_novel_in_braille/
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I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.

I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boktiq/i_dumped_my_girlfriend_after_she_falsely_claimed/
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What’s the worst place to ask for the plane’s WiFi password?

In your office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boksxz/whats_the_worst_place_to_ask_for_the_planes_wifi/
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In his CV, a Job applicant mentioned country of origin as China

That's a red flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bokpyg/in_his_cv_a_job_applicant_mentioned_country_of/
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A woman got shot by 7 bullets in war

She went to the infirmary,where she had surgery to remove the bullets
Doctor : -You will live a normal live,I couldn't get out 2 bullets but they will come out naturally
Then the woman goes on her way and has 2 twins,a boy and a girl
After 15 years,the mom is doing the laundry and her daughter comes to her
Daughter : -Mom!Mom!
Mom : -What?
Daughter : -I was peeing and a bullet came out
Mom : -Oh,don't worry about that,you will be fine
Then after some time the son comes too
Son : -Mom!Mom!
Mom : -What?You were peeing and a bullet came out?
Son : -No,I was masturbating and shot grandpa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bokmri/a_woman_got_shot_by_7_bullets_in_war/
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My friends are always doing cocaine but I keep telling them I don't want any

I just like to smell it sometimes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boki43/my_friends_are_always_doing_cocaine_but_i_keep/
%
What do you call aspirin when given rectally?

An Analgesic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boke2h/what_do_you_call_aspirin_when_given_rectally/
%
Eye contact

The only time I made eye contact with my girlfriend during sex was when she unexpectedly entered the bedroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bokb6x/eye_contact/
%
Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back to France and smelt them for metal.
A week later, Germany failed her weekly payment again. So the French returned to the same town, planing to take its church bell this time. When they arrived in the town, they found that the street lamps they took away a week ago has magically reappeared. Not giving up free property, the French soldiers took the church bell as planned and the street lamps as a bonus.
Another week had passed, Germany still could't pay her reparations. So the French returned to the same place for the same job. Upon the arrival, and to their astonishment, the street lamps were standing there again. The French commander was determined to find out where the hell did the lamps came from, so he ordered his men to bring the street lamps back to France, while he stayed in the town and try to find out how the lamps managed to reappear after they took them every week.
After a long and boring wait, the French commander saw a truck carrying dozens of lamp posts on its cargo bed. The truck stopped, and an old man stepped out of it, operating the truck mounted crane. He skillfully lifted a lamp post with the crane, and planted it into a slot on the ground, where the lamp should be.
The French commander approached the old man and asked: "What is the meaning of this? Don't you know we will just take them away next week?
The old man answered: "Yes officer, I know it perfectly well." And after a brief pause, he continued.  "You see, I'm actually a chemist, and I've helped with development of chlorine gas. The pain and suffering I've caused is too great, so I have to do something to atone it."
"Ahh, I see." Replied the French commander. "But why just replace the lamp posts? Why not the tram tracks? Why not the church bell?
The old man then replied: "Because reposting gains the most karma."
It's my first attempt at a joke, hope you guys like it ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bokaw1/germany_owed_a_massive_debt_to_france_after_the/
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how many dnd players does it take to change a light bulb

All of them, never split the party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bokahf/how_many_dnd_players_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I am a server, and normally I do my job like I should. I handle workload like a charm, even though I rarely sleep.

So today I couldn't handle it anymore, and broke down. Today I crashed, and corrupted 57 GB worth of websites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boka4f/i_am_a_server_and_normally_i_do_my_job_like_i/
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I met up with a girl from tinder. She asked me to tie her up and do anything i want...

Guess who has gone fishing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bok8au/i_met_up_with_a_girl_from_tinder_she_asked_me_to/
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Did you hear about the Amish hookers?

They sleep with three Mennonite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bok899/did_you_hear_about_the_amish_hookers/
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Making love to a beautiful woman is just like playing the piano

I don’t have a clue how to do either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bok6v7/making_love_to_a_beautiful_woman_is_just_like/
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The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.
She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.
"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eldest person. He turns a 100 today. In your hundred years on Earth, what's your most cherished memory".
Mister Woodson gets lost in his thoughts and after a few seconds, he opens his mouth, and in a creaky, old voice, says.
"Ohhhhhhh....I remember....1943. I was 24. Richard Williams' youngest daughter got lost in the woods...So all the men from the surrounding towns got together, and we searched the woods for hours. When we finally found her near the creek at the back of Turner's farm, we all took our turn and fucked her..."
"CUT CUT!" yelled the reporter...
We cannot air that, she said to herself. She composed herself, thinking of another angle.
"Mister Woodson, you've been on this Earth for a hundred years now. You've seen the widespread adoption of electricity, radio, tv, the internet, cars, plane travel...What's your SECOND most cherished memory?"
Once again, Woodson goes back into his thoughts. Same old creaky voice finally breaks the silence, after a few seconds...
"Ohhhhhhhhhh....I remember...1952. I was 33 years old. Johnson's wife got lost in the woods, and all the man from the surrounding towns got together, and search the woods for hours. When we finally found her in a clearing near the lake, we all took our turns and fucked her!"
"CUUUUUUT. CUT CUT CUT CUT!"
The reporter was starting to sweat: she needed that segment canned. So she decided to go the emotional way.
"Mister Woodson. You were born in 1919. You lived through the Great Depression, you fought in WWII and in Korea. Lost a son in Vietnam too...What in your life was the hardest experience you had to go through?"
Woodson closes his eyes...And, in the same old creaky voice, says.
"Ooooooooooooooh. I remember! 1934. I was 15 years old and I got lost in the woods...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bok1fk/the_countys_eldest_man_had_just_turn_a_100_years/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're REALLY good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bojvbb/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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3 rules of construction: 1. Always use the right tool for the job.

2. The right tool is always a hammer.
3. Every tool can be used as a hammer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bojrxf/3_rules_of_construction_1_always_use_the_right/
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There are three types of people.

Those who are good at math and those who aren’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bojqku/there_are_three_types_of_people/
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A DEA officer called at my farm... “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bojqcm/a_dea_officer_called_at_my_farm_i_need_to_inspect/
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Your fetishes are nothing to be ashamed of

Unless your fetish is humiliation. Then you should be ashamed, you nasty little pervert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bojq9n/your_fetishes_are_nothing_to_be_ashamed_of/
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Dark humor never gets old

Just like unvaccinated children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bojoiq/dark_humor_never_gets_old/
%
If a quiz is quizzical what does that make a test?

Testicle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bojn0a/if_a_quiz_is_quizzical_what_does_that_make_a_test/
%
I don't have a girlfriend

But I know a woman that would be really mad to hear me say that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bojlfa/i_dont_have_a_girlfriend/
%
What's the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bojl6b/whats_the_difference_between_oral_and_anal_sex/
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Cavities are just like Pornstars

They're always getting drilled and filled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bojkyw/cavities_are_just_like_pornstars/
%
Did you hear about the Customs Officer who started shooting the immigration queue in Heathrow Airport?

I'm told he was borderline crazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bojef5/did_you_hear_about_the_customs_officer_who/
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4 Nuns are on their way to a conference

when suddenly the bus crashes and all 4 die.
Standing in line at the pearly gates, the 1st Nun takes her turn with St. Peter, who asks only one question before she is allowed through.
**St.Peter** : " My Child, since you are a woman of God,  I trust your faith and ask only a simply question - have you kept your vow of celibacy and/or ever had any sexual interactions with a man?"
1st Nun: " Yes, my Lord - I have kept my vows - but do admit that this one time I did see a see a man's penis. Am I still okay to come to heaven? " she asks..
**St.Peter** : " Well that's not too bad - just go over there and wash your eyes with some holy water - then step right through"
The 2nd Nun takes her turn and St. Peter asks the same question.
She replies " Yes my lord - I have kept my vows - but one time in my 20s, I was persuaded to touch a man's penis. It was a dare. I was young and you know how those things go" Am I still okay to come to heaven ?
**St.Peter**: "Well geesh .. that is a walking a tight line there Missy ... have we not taught you about temptation .... but fine .. just go over there and wash your hands in the holy water then step right through".
While all this is going on he can not help but notice the remaining 2 nuns jostling for position in line, pulling each other's hair and arguing who should be going next.
**St.Peter** : " Ladies, Ladies ... what is happening - This is the heaven - Its supposed to be peaceful and full of love... why are you arguing ? "
Finally, the 4th nun says " Well if you think I am going to gargle after she washes her ass in that holy water " .....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boj9sx/4_nuns_are_on_their_way_to_a_conference/
%
The other day when I was in my room playing games and watching livestreams, I remembered that it was my mom's birthday and I had totally forgotten to buy a gift for her.

I needed to find something fast and thought that maybe a sweet video would make her happy. Instead of recording myself for the video, I donated 5$ to the streamer and asked if she could count to 50. A moment later she gets the donation and starts counting slowly. I record the section and export the video to my phone, and shortly after I walked out of my room and into the living room where my mom was sitting. I congratulated her and said that I needed to show her something, while I picked up my phone. She seemed pleasantly surprised when I handed her the phone and saw the video was ready. She started playing the video and I could her the familiar streamer slowly counting “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”. After a few minutes, the streamer eventually came to 50 and my mom gave me my phone back. She seemed disappointed and said “well, it’s not the best gift I’ve ever gotten but I guess it’s the thot that counts”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boj6xt/the_other_day_when_i_was_in_my_room_playing_games/
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Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident...

This isn't the first time he got off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boj37h/somehow_it_looks_like_robert_kraft_will_get_away/
%
What two letters spell candy?

C and Y!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boj2u4/what_two_letters_spell_candy/
%
I went skydiving today for the first time. This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out the plane and as we plummeted, he asked me.

So how long have you been an instructor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boj2dr/i_went_skydiving_today_for_the_first_time_this/
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My wife says I have only two faults.

(i) I don't listen.
and
some other shit she was rattling about on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boj1i3/my_wife_says_i_have_only_two_faults/
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The final season of game of thrones is a lot like porn.

Awful dialogue, shallow plot, and the characters just keep getting fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boizqa/the_final_season_of_game_of_thrones_is_a_lot_like/
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Do you know why golf players always wear 2 pants?

In case that they get a hole in one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boizaj/do_you_know_why_golf_players_always_wear_2_pants/
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The doctor prescribed Viagra for the sunburn on my legs.

It didn’t cure the sunburn, but it kept the sheets off of my legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boishd/the_doctor_prescribed_viagra_for_the_sunburn_on/
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The Haircut

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is poor and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Son. I've visited lands far and wide and met many people of all creeds. I've waved to millions of people from my balcony. I've personally shook the hand of millions of people, but you must have the worst barber of them all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bois4z/the_haircut/
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Heartwarming story of a man and an elephant

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boir1y/heartwarming_story_of_a_man_and_an_elephant/
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3 men enter the gates of heaven

They are met by Saint Peter who explains in heaven they are given a vehicle. The quality is based on how faithful a partner they've been.
The first man receives a brand new Ferrari. He jumps in and takes off.
The second man receives a recent model Toyota Camry, somewhat satisfied he jumps in and takes off.
The last man, visibly nervous, is given a beat up second hand Volvo. Annoyed he jumps in and drives around the corner to find the first man crying next to his Ferrari.
"What have you got to be mad about?!" the third man exclaims!
The first man replies "I just turned the corner and saw my wife on a skateboard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boiork/3_men_enter_the_gates_of_heaven/
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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boikur/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
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What did the left buttcheeck say to the right buttcheeck?

*If we stick together we can stop this shit.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boikl4/what_did_the_left_buttcheeck_say_to_the_right/
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"This coffee tastes like dirt!"

"Well it was just ground this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boikee/this_coffee_tastes_like_dirt/
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What do you call a man with 2 donkeys?

Biased

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boiiko/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_2_donkeys/
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I don't really like inside jokes...

I can't seem to get out of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boihzm/i_dont_really_like_inside_jokes/
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I drove my car into a tree the other day...

I wanted to see how my Mercedes Benz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boigro/i_drove_my_car_into_a_tree_the_other_day/
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If Alabama was a food, it would be a sandwich filling...

Because it's in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boicyg/if_alabama_was_a_food_it_would_be_a_sandwich/
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Some people are sceptical of migrants because they think they don't embrace their new country's culture

But I teach calculus to international students at my local university, and they all integrate really well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boic0c/some_people_are_sceptical_of_migrants_because/
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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band plays, the mayor makes a speech--- the whole works.  Makes the front page of the local paper every year, since there's not much else going on.  That part tickles the farmer the most, and he clips out each article and hangs it on the wall in his living room.
The old farmer knows that the secret to growing giant pumpkins is really good fertilizer, so one year at the beginning of pumpkin season as he's bumping down an old dirt road he's excited to see a big pile of manure sitting by the side of the road.  Perfect pumpkin growing stuff.  He goes home and takes care of the chores and heads out the next day with his truck and a shovel to get some of that brown gold, but to his disappointment there is now a big NO TRESPASSING sign hung up right by the manure.  Well the farmer is no lawbreaker, so he goes home empty handed.
The next week the farmer happens to be driving down the road again, and lo and behold the big pile of manure is still there but the sign is gone.  He heads home intending to grab a shovel and get right back out there, but when he gets back to the farm the pigs are out and the cows need feeding and the next thing he knows it's dark.  At daybreak the next day he rushes back out with his shovel, only to find the big NO TRESPASSING sign right back up.
The following week the same thing happens again.  Perplexed and frustrated, the farmer stops into town for a cup of joe and starts up a conversation with the man at the counter next to him about the odd situation.
"Heck," says the man.  "That's my place.  I only hang up the NO TRESPASSING sign when I go out because sometimes the GPS routes out-of-towners down my road and I don't want them down there mucking around if I'm not there.  But you're welcome to the manure; I just haven't gotten around to finding anyone to haul it off.  I'll even help you get it on your truck."
The farmer quickly paid his check and the two drove out there.  The farmer got of the truck and his face fell.  He poked the manure pile a few times with his shovel, but just as he feared, the weeks out in the warm sun had dried it up too much to be the type of fertilizer that would produce a champion pumpkin.
"What's the matter?"  Says the man.  "I thought you wanted this manure."
"Naw," says the farmer.  "This shit's been reposted way too many times to land me on the front page."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boiaqp/an_old_farmer_is_known_across_the_state_for_his/
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Trump being President is a good thing.

It teaches children that no matter who they are... No matter what they study... No matter what qualifications they have...
ANYone can be President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boi50g/trump_being_president_is_a_good_thing/
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What do you call a muslim that bites?

A mosqueito

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boi3v0/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_that_bites/
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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "How do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boi2a1/a_man_entered_a_restaurant_and_sat_at_the_only/
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I wanted to make a communism joke

but they’re not funny unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boi1zk/i_wanted_to_make_a_communism_joke/
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What do you call the award given to a feline with a nice rump?

A catastrophe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bohzmt/what_do_you_call_the_award_given_to_a_feline_with/
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A man brought a lady back to his hotel after their first date...

A man brought a lady back to his hotel after their first date. Things went well for the two and in the heat, clothes starting coming off. The man took his shoes and socks off, and the woman noticed that his toes were all gnarled and twisted. She said "...what's wrong with your toes?"
He replied, "I've got Tolio"
She says, "Tolio? Don't you mean Polio?"
He assured her "No, I have Tolio!"
Without much questioning clothes continued to come off. The man takes off his pants and the woman noticed that his knees were all beat up and demented. She said "...what's wrong with your knees?"
He replied, "I've got Kneasles"
She says, "Kneasles? Don't you mean Measles?"
He assured her "No, I have Kneasles!"
Things continued to move along for the two. The man finally takes off his underwear and the woman said, "Let me guess, Small cox?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bohwbn/a_man_brought_a_lady_back_to_his_hotel_after/
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The things kids do

A little kid knocks on a door, when the guy opens it, the kid asks him if he has any jobs around the place he can do. The guy says "Well, the Porch around the back needs painting, I guess you could do that" he goes in, and comes back with a pot of paint, and a brush.  The kid takes them, and gets to work. An hour later, the kid knocks on the door again, and when the guy answers, the kid gives him back the nearly empty paint can and brush, and says he's finished. The guy says "You sure used a lot of paint" and the kid says "I gave it two coats" Impressed, the guy pulls out two twentys from his wallet, then  hands him an extra ten, saying "That's for being such a fast worker" "Thanks" says the kid, "And by the way, it wasn't a Porch, it was a "Lexus".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bohu7n/the_things_kids_do/
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A man walks a bar

On the bar there was a 12 inch man playing a piano.
The man is amazed and says to the barman “ that’s amazing where did you get him from.” The barman replies “I have a genie that grants wishes would you like a try?”
The man eagerly agrees and when the genie appears wishes for a lot of money. There was a puff of smoke and suddenly the man was surrounded my tubs of honey. The man says “That’s not right I wishes for a lot of money.” The barman says “The genie is a bit hard of hearing. Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bohs78/a_man_walks_a_bar/
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A man wakes up after a plane crash

he finds himself on a beach with nothing around but palm trees, sand and the noise of the water hitting the sand bay.
Despite his pain in every single part of his body, he manages to get up and walk along the beach. Some airplane parts are lying around too and slowly the man realises, he must be the only survivor. Suddenly a group of people run out of a little forest near the beach and gather right in front of him. They just stand there and stare . A strange voice appears inside the man´s head: "That are native people, look...  some of them are totally naked, some are covered in dirty rags. Oh hell, and do you see the bonechains around their necks, looking like human bones?! That are goddamned cannibals!"
"I´m so absolutely fucked", the man thinks to himself. Then the strange voice started again: "No, you´re not fucked, listen to me carefully and do exactly what i tell you to do! You see that big fella right in the middle of the group right? He looks like the chief ob that tribe. Get over there, take that huge spear he is holding in his hands and impale him! GO! DO IT NOW!" In his confusion, the man trusts the strange voice and follows the commands. He runs towards the group, takes the spear and rams it inside the tribe-chiefs chest as hard as he can.
Full of adrenalin, still holding the spear the man asks: "And now???"
The voice replies:"NOOOW... you´re fucked."
// Please be gentle with my grammar, i´m not a native speaker and had to translate the joke from german to english. I hope you like it a bit. :-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bohruo/a_man_wakes_up_after_a_plane_crash/
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To the **** that accused me of following his wife home last night

I know where you live!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bohoty/to_the_that_accused_me_of_following_his_wife_home/
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What's bigger than the sun but still fits into your house?

Your Mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bohos2/whats_bigger_than_the_sun_but_still_fits_into/
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I was taking pictures of the scenery as my mom drove me around town.

Police stopped us for committing drive-by shootings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bohneg/i_was_taking_pictures_of_the_scenery_as_my_mom/
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After a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home.

After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. He leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:
"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up & shouts:
"Blowjob or no blowjob but for goodness’ sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bohnbh/after_a_date_a_guy_takes_his_girlfriend_home/
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What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bohieo/what_do_the_movies_titanic_and_the_sixth_sense/
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Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump

But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bohfiw/steve_jobs_would_have_been_a_better_president/
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A Grandpa and Grandson go fishing

Grandpa and Grandson go out together for a day’s fishing. At lunchtime, the man opens a can of beer.
“Can I have some, Grandpa?” asks the boy.
“I tell you what, son,” replies Grandpa. “Can your willy touch your backside?”
“No, Grandpa.”
“Then you can’t have any beer.”
Later on, Grandpa gets out his cigarettes.
“Can I have one, Grandpa?”
Grandpa replies, “Can your willy touch your backside?” “No.”
“Then it’s no to a cigarette.”
On the way home, they pass a gas station and each of them buys a scratch-off card. Grandpa wins nothing, Grandson wins $4000.
“Are you going to share some of your winnings with me, son?” asks Grandpa.
The boy replies, “I tell you what, can your willy touch your backside?”
“It sure can,” replies Grandpa confidently.
“Then go fuck yourself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bohelt/a_grandpa_and_grandson_go_fishing/
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If a girl says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes she will.

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boheac/if_a_girl_says_shell_be_ready_in_5_minutes_she/
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NSFW. Did you hear the one about the guy who dipped his testicle in glitter?

It's pretty nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boh9ti/nsfw_did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_guy_who/
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Many

Thank you to the person who took the time to explain the word “many” to me.
It means a lot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boh97k/many/
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What do you call a Spanish abortion?

Adios embrios

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boh7vg/what_do_you_call_a_spanish_abortion/
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It is scientifically proven that those who vaccinate have higher rates of autism.

Because the non-vaccinated children never lived long enough to be surveyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boh2gt/it_is_scientifically_proven_that_those_who/
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Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused.
He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bogz7t/several_years_ago_andy_was_sentenced_to_prison/
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I 8 Σ π

And it was yummy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bogmps/i_8_σ_π/
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I told my Dad that I want to be a plumber

He said it is a pipe dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bogkau/i_told_my_dad_that_i_want_to_be_a_plumber/
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How are called two koalas who decide to form an alliance?

A Koalition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bogipz/how_are_called_two_koalas_who_decide_to_form_an/
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What do you call a religious eagle?

Bird of pray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boggg5/what_do_you_call_a_religious_eagle/
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What do you call a 3.14m snake?

A  π-thon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bogb3n/what_do_you_call_a_314m_snake/
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The easiest time to add insult to injury

Is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bogazd/the_easiest_time_to_add_insult_to_injury/
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Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

If it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bog965/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_2_doors/
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Pixar CEO: Remember guys, we work as a team. There is no "i" in Pixar.

Employee: Yes there is!
Pixar CEO: No there isn't.
Employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the CEO*
Pixar CEO: Oh my god!
Employee: Yea..
Pixar CEO: Murder it with a lamp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bog6s0/pixar_ceo_remember_guys_we_work_as_a_team_there/
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The voice inside my head must be a woman

cause she never stops talking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bog6dx/the_voice_inside_my_head_must_be_a_woman/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Ground up and in the freezer.
Nah jk, I dont like coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bog5mf/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Accident Elle

Elle grew up as an only child of an older couple, as all of her brothers and sisters had moved out by the time she was born.
One day, she asked why they had waited so long to have her.
Her mother told her they had decided not to have any more kids, so her father got a vasectomy, but the doctor who performed it was later found to have only a 90% success rate.
At this point her father interjected, "So you see, you were one in ten, Chanelle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bofzy7/accident_elle/
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How do Scottish people describe a no display error?

nvidia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bofz5o/how_do_scottish_people_describe_a_no_display_error/
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Why are there no vegan DC heroes?

Because they are afraid of rotten tomatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bofz42/why_are_there_no_vegan_dc_heroes/
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Where does the General keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bofuxf/where_does_the_general_keep_his_armies/
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Jared started his career the same way he ended it.

Trying to get into smaller pants.
I'm going to hell for that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bofq17/jared_started_his_career_the_same_way_he_ended_it/
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What do you call any number other than twelve?

A dozen't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bofjv4/what_do_you_call_any_number_other_than_twelve/
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A zookeeper was having bother with one of his gorrilas....

A zookeeper was having bother with one of his gorrilas as it was in heat and needed to have sex to calm down. There is no male gorrilas currently fit to do the job.
The zookeeper calls up his friend him on the phone and says "Here Jim I've got a real problem one of my gorrilas is in heat would you shag it for me?"
Jim replies: "Aah, I dunno what if my wife finds out"
To which the zookeeper replies: "Would you do it for $50?"
"$50!, that's a good price but i really don't want my wife to know, okay?"
The next day Jim shows up at the zoo and says to the zookeeper: "Here's your $50 I had to take it from our holiday money, now where's my gorrila?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bofiu8/a_zookeeper_was_having_bother_with_one_of_his/
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(Oldie but a goodie) Two nuns are driving through Transilvania at night

All of a sudden, a large vampire swoops down and lands on the bonnet of their car.
One nun turns to the other and says, "Quick! Show him your cross!"
The other nun nods, winds down her window, leans out and yells, "GET OFF THE BONNET YOU DICKHEAD!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bofdlo/oldie_but_a_goodie_two_nuns_are_driving_through/
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A joke I translated from my native language....

A guy asks his friend, "My girlfriend's birthday is coming up. What should I give her?"
Friend(jokingly): Of course your dick.
Man(All serious): Don't be ridiculous, I really want to give her something big.
Friend: Give mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bofcgp/a_joke_i_translated_from_my_native_language/
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Last night, I dreamt that I was sailing in a sea of soda.

I wish I could go back to that Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bofc6c/last_night_i_dreamt_that_i_was_sailing_in_a_sea/
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What did the melon say to the lemon’s marriage proposal?

I cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bof9i5/what_did_the_melon_say_to_the_lemons_marriage/
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Without the Arabs, we would have never had 9/11.

We would have had IX/XI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bof385/without_the_arabs_we_would_have_never_had_911/
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A professional glass blower

was training up a new team. They kept giving him the poorest quality silicates which resulted in some very cloudy pieces. So he got them all together and said, "I just need to make something perfectly clear".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boem16/a_professional_glass_blower/
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Well, I'm stunned...

Q – Why Are Condoms Transparent?
A – So That Sperms Can At Least Enjoy The Scene Even If Their Entry Is Restricted!
Q – What Is The New Aids Awareness Slogan?
A – Try Different Positions With The Same Woman Instead Of Same Position With Different Women.
Q – What Will Happen If Earth Rotates 30 Times Faster?
A – Men Will Get Their Salary Everyday And Women Will Bleed To Death.
Q – Why Do 90% Girls Have Left Boob Bigger Than Right?
A – Because 90% Boys Are Right Handed.
Q – What Is The Difference Between A Panty & A Stage Curtain?
A – When You Pull Down The Stage Curtain, The Show Is Over, But When You Pull Down The Panty.. It Is Showtime!
Q – What Does A Signboard Out Side A Prostitute’s House Say?
A – Married Men Not Allowed Here. Because We Serve The Needy, Not The Greedy.
Q – What Is The Similarity Between A Wife And A Chewing Gum?
A – Both Are Sweet In The Beginning But Become Tasteless And Shapeless Later.
Q – Why Is Sex Like Shaving?
A – Well, Because No Matter How Well You Do It Today. Tomorrow You’ll Have To Do It Again.
\_\\/\_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boeldz/well_im_stunned/
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I recently started a business disguising prayer mats as land mines

Profits are through the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boe7sd/i_recently_started_a_business_disguising_prayer/
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What's the difference between a normal party and a gamer party?

One has more streamers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boe7pb/whats_the_difference_between_a_normal_party_and_a/
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A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership.

She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams. She walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed, and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But as she turns back, there standing next to her is a handsome young salesman.
"Good day Madam, how may I help you?"
Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this fabulous vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, I'm afraid I can't say. If you farted just touching it, I’m scared you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boe3wd/a_woman_walks_into_a_ferrari_dealership/
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Do you want to hear a dirty joke?

A horse fell in the mud.
Do you want to hear a clean joke?
A horse took a bath with bubbles.
Do you want to hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles was another horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boe2ju/do_you_want_to_hear_a_dirty_joke/
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A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad." The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza." The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boe23m/a_cucumber_an_olive_and_a_penis_are_talking/
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I saw two guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay.

They arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boe1in/i_saw_two_guys_wearing_matching_outfits_and_asked/
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A woman comes home from work...

A woman comes home early from work and finds her husband screwing a goat.
The husband says, “I’m so sorry honey, this is the pig I fool around with when you’re not around.”
The wife responds, “That’s not a pig, that’s a goat!”
The husband replies, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boe0ee/a_woman_comes_home_from_work/
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What does a cannibalistic football player say to his teammates before a high five?

“Give me some skin!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bodwei/what_does_a_cannibalistic_football_player_say_to/
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If I had an extra $20...

I’d party like it’s $19.99.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bodw17/if_i_had_an_extra_20/
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How much does a chimney cost?

Nothing.
It is on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boduaf/how_much_does_a_chimney_cost/
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Why are Nazis good at math?

They know the final solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bodttb/why_are_nazis_good_at_math/
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to the guy who stole my antidepressants:

I hope you're happy now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bodrwd/to_the_guy_who_stole_my_antidepressants/
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What do you call it when you attend a tree's funeral?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bodrqd/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_attend_a_trees/
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A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
"No, not at all", she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
“Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great dea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bodqv2/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_husbands_funeral/
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What vegetable never gets lost in the fridge?

Parsnips b/c they always turnip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bodqaz/what_vegetable_never_gets_lost_in_the_fridge/
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Meet the worlds most interesting Automobile, the Honda Gender.

Meet the new Gender, an all new, totally unique, and nearly incomprehensible combination of automotive technology and  androgyny like never seen before.
The Gender's body has been designed to transition into something new in case of a Gender bender. An old fashioned trans proved to be too much of a drag, so we reassigned it to include quantum gears. These "queers" need no maintenance thanks to our patented Gender Fluid. The Gender's non-binary computer can sense highway driving and re-generate power by transitioning into our patented Gender Neutral. Everything about the new Honda Gender is unconventional, and they're in short supply, so bi one today. Act now and receive the Gender's Automatic Yielding package for free, just use coupon code GAY at checkout\*. At the time writing, there are only 63 Genders available, but more are coming every day. Come test drive one today on Honda's new racing track, the HRT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bodq0w/meet_the_worlds_most_interesting_automobile_the/
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So a doctor visits a mental hospital...

He shows up, and the lady at the front desk directs him to an interesting duo. Two men, one of which is hanging from the ceiling and another who is seemingly sawing air. The doctor asks the man sawing away, "what is it that you are doing?" The man replies, "I'm building a ladder to sneak out of this place." Confused and amused, he moves on to the second fellow who seems to be hanging from the rafter fast asleep. The doctor asks the sawing man, "What the hell's he doing?" To which he replies, " he thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor ponders this then suggests taking him down only for the man to angrily contest "then how the hell will I see what I'm doing!?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bodkpe/so_a_doctor_visits_a_mental_hospital/
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If men call short women petite, what do women call short men?

Friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bodf6q/if_men_call_short_women_petite_what_do_women_call/
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My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.
Edit : grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bodemp/my_dad_says_we_shouldnt_reward_people_with/
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Wife: I don't see any reason why you would need to drink a whole six pack right before you go to bed!

Me: That's only because there aren't any mirrors around here...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bodd2h/wife_i_dont_see_any_reason_why_you_would_need_to/
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3 adventurers got capture by the natives...

After capturing them, the native informed the adventurers that they can to pick any fruit (1) that they want. After the adventurers chose their fruits, the native then tell them that they will be release if they manage to put the fruit they chose inside their butt hole without dying.
\-The first adventurer picked apple, almost got half of it in, but couldn't fit the entire thing, and died.
\-The second guy picked strawberry, he got the whole thing in, but suddenly laughed so hard he died.
When the second adventurers arrived at heaven, the first one ask, "How come you died? That strawberry couldn't be that hard!" The second guy truthfully said,"I almost got the whole thing in, then I looked over just to see the third guy with the watermelon!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bodcin/3_adventurers_got_capture_by_the_natives/
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People keep asking me where I see myself in a year.

I keep telling them that I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bod8vr/people_keep_asking_me_where_i_see_myself_in_a_year/
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A piece of string walks slowly into a bar and walks up to the counter..

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string in here, you are going to have to leave”
The piece of string walks out the door in a huff. He is so angry that he ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.
He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"
"No!" says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bod72o/a_piece_of_string_walks_slowly_into_a_bar_and/
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What has eight legs and barks?

Two dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bod307/what_has_eight_legs_and_barks/
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What do you call the stage at a Polish strip club?

Empty. It only has a Pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bocxri/what_do_you_call_the_stage_at_a_polish_strip_club/
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An old lady went to visit her dentist,

When it was her turn, she squatted in the chair and lowered her underpants.
The dentist freaked out and looked at her and said
“Madam, I’m not a gynaecologist.”
“I know” she replied,
“I need you take my husbands dentures out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bocwxl/an_old_lady_went_to_visit_her_dentist/
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What do a dog and a short-sighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bocw9e/what_do_a_dog_and_a_shortsighted_gynecologist/
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3 thieves were brought to the king's palace for punishment

The king orders his men to hit them with a whip 50 times each but since the king was kind, he allowed all 3 of them to make a wish before their punishment.
The first guy asks for a pillow to be tied up on his back, which gets torn up after 10 whips and so he has to bear 40 whips
The second guy asks for two pillows to be tied up on his back, which get torn up after 20 whips and so he has to suffer 30 whips
The third guy had a very lean physique so the king had pity on him and allowed him to make two wishes
"Hit me with a whip 1000 times", said the 3rd guy.
Everyone was surprised.
"And tie both these guys on my back".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bocw6s/3_thieves_were_brought_to_the_kings_palace_for/
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bocunl/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
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For the past 1 year, I announced to my coworkers i am going to go for a run after work and then i don’t.

This is the longest running joke i’ve had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bocrv8/for_the_past_1_year_i_announced_to_my_coworkers_i/
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Doc : Sir, I am afraid that your DNA is backwards

Me : and?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bocr7u/doc_sir_i_am_afraid_that_your_dna_is_backwards/
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A blonde is down on her luck...

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bocne7/a_blonde_is_down_on_her_luck/
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Blonde is looking for work...

wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bocm9k/blonde_is_looking_for_work/
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What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he is hooked into?

The computer actually runs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bocm44/whats_the_difference_between_stephen_hawking_and/
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Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bocixi/within_minutes_the_detective_figured_out_what_the/
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3 men go to heaven

(context: this heaven is different, very different, your way of transportation is based on how many times you’ve sinned, ex. larger amount of sins = worse car, low amount of sins = better car)
3 men go to heaven, 1 man walks up to God, God asks the man “How many times have you cheated in your wife,” The man looks down in disappointment and mumbles, “6 times sir,” “Oh man, here,” God throws him a pair of keys, “you see that Ford down there, it’s yours now buddy.” The man slumps his way towards the car. “Let’s see if you can do any better.” God says, calling the next man up, “You know the question, how many times.” “2 times” the man says. “Still bad, but definitely better, ok... you get a BMW.” “Yes!” The man exclaimed. The next man walks up, “How many times ha—“ The man cuts God off, “ I have never EVER cheated on my wife!” The man shouts. “Good job, you get the Lamborghini down the street.” God says. The man leaps his way towards his new car. The next day the 2 men from before find the 3rd crying on the curb, “What’s wrong?” They question the man. The man looks towards them in surprise, “Oh, it’s, uhm nothing.” The man focuses on the ground, “Come on man, you can tell us.” The man sighs, “I saw my wife half an hour ago... she was driving a golf cart.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bocdd1/3_men_go_to_heaven/
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I’m sorry (warning dark joke ahead)

Why were the people in the twin towers so mad?
Because they ordered pepperoni, but they got plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boc7ce/im_sorry_warning_dark_joke_ahead/
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Pandas are dangerous

The unusual story of a panda:
One day, a panda carrying a violin case enters a restaurant. There, he orders some food, and when he had finished, he opened the violin case, took out a machine gun and killed everybody but the manager (wow that's violent). The manager ran up to him and asked: "But we were so kind to you, why did you do that?". The panda simply replied: "I am a panda. Look it up in the dictionary, it says "Panda: A bear native to southern China, which eats, shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boc71z/pandas_are_dangerous/
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How does a frog get its leaves from a tree?

They rippit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boc61c/how_does_a_frog_get_its_leaves_from_a_tree/
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Why did the blonde fail her driver's test?

The guy told her it was time to park, so she climbed into the back seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boc4wl/why_did_the_blonde_fail_her_drivers_test/
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Where do you take an amish kid for their birthday party?

Build-A-Barn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boc4e8/where_do_you_take_an_amish_kid_for_their_birthday/
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I was on a blind date with this girl...

I told her being funny second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked “what’s the best way?” I said a big knife
She laughed and said “you’re funny”
I said “wise choice”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boc29e/i_was_on_a_blind_date_with_this_girl/
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Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boc07j/two_blondes_were_walking_in_the_park_one_blonde/
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What weighs less than blue?

Light blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobw01/what_weighs_less_than_blue/
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Three friends in a plane

Three friends are on a plane and each of them has something with them.
The first friend has an apple. He takes a bite out of it and says,
'I don't like it' and throws it out the window. The second friend has a watermelon. He takes a bite out of it and says,
'I don't like it' and throws it out the window. The third friend has a grenade. He takes a bite and says,
'NaNi what is this?? I don't like it' and throws it out the window.
The plane lands and as the three friends get out, they see a girl crying.
'What's wrong?' they ask the girl.
The girl replies, 'An apple fell on my cat and it died.'
Then they see a boy crying.
'What's wrong?' they ask the boy.
The boy replies, 'A watermelon fell on my dog and it died.'
Lastly, they see a girl laughing.
'What's so funny?' they ask her.
The girl says, ' A farted at a building and it blew up xD!'
(Not by me, heard it from a friend. Hope you enjoy it!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobv3b/three_friends_in_a_plane/
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If a girl says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes she will

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobu57/if_a_girl_says_shell_be_ready_in_15_minutes_she/
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If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobs4x/if_almonds_are_1_peanuts_50_and_pistachios_150/
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Fuck me if I'm wrong but

I'm wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobrtm/fuck_me_if_im_wrong_but/
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Ive been using knives to save ammo in my games.

Btw I’ve been banned from the paintball arena

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobo30/ive_been_using_knives_to_save_ammo_in_my_games/
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If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “thank you” will suffice.

None of this “how did you get in my house” business. So rude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobn5i/if_i_make_you_breakfast_in_bed_a_simple_thank_you/
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I couldn't figure out why the ball was getting bigger

But then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobmyy/i_couldnt_figure_out_why_the_ball_was_getting/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boblhv/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_whos_afraid/
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My wooden snake isn't limber...

It's lumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobjqy/my_wooden_snake_isnt_limber/
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A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobjmt/a_dea_agent_stopped_by_my_farm_yesterday/
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How much did the pirate pay for his earrings?

About a buck an ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobj45/how_much_did_the_pirate_pay_for_his_earrings/
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Courtesy of my 6 year old - Where did fozzy bear take his dog?

For a walka walka walka

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobihh/courtesy_of_my_6_year_old_where_did_fozzy_bear/
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A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench ehen a kid strolls by

Priest: Hey, we should screw that kid.
Rabbi: Out of what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobi5y/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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Why did the blonde return her water skis?

She couldn't find a lake with a slope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobfxj/why_did_the_blonde_return_her_water_skis/
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R.I.P Boiled Water...

It will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobfl4/rip_boiled_water/
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A Roman citizen walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,

“Five beers please!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobf4j/a_roman_citizen_walks_into_a_bar_holds_up_two/
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wif

Wife: honey do these new pants make my butt look big?
husband: promise you won't be mad at what I say?
Wife:  sure
Husband: I fucked your sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bobcdp/wif/
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Did Hitler ever get angry?

Yes, often he was Fuhrer-ious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bob55m/did_hitler_ever_get_angry/
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A new emerging rock band is having its first concert

To be sure that everything goes perfectly the group's manager decides to invite a well known concert critic: If he decided to come and the concert went well, that would've been their occasion to take off in the world of music
Incredibly the critic accepts their offering and is present in his special seat during the big night
Every member is amazed by the incredible luck they just had and they give their best that night, putting their souls into every note and even having a firework show for their big finale
At the end of the concert the public seems enthusiastic and satisfied, and the mass starts slowly exiting the building
The meanger approaches the critic' s seat planning to invite him over for a bottle of champagne, to soft him up a little, when he hears loud snoring
Caught off guard, he discovers that the critic fell asleep at some point during the concert, and decides to wake him up
"Excuse me sir, were you sleeping?"
"What?! Oh.. oh no I was just concert rating..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bob3y5/a_new_emerging_rock_band_is_having_its_first/
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Did you hear cheese companies stopped packaging pre shredded cheese in the USA?

We need to Make America Grate Again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bob2c8/did_you_hear_cheese_companies_stopped_packaging/
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In the middle of an unrelated conversation my friend mentioned he prunes his roses with a knife.

It was a non-secateur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bob1wg/in_the_middle_of_an_unrelated_conversation_my/
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Excersise is like a drug to me.

I say NO to drugs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boayl0/excersise_is_like_a_drug_to_me/
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Math Joke

Knock
Knock
Knock Knock
Knock Knock Knock
Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock
Who's there?
Fibbonacci

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boawv9/math_joke/
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What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you stick the cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boaugf/whats_the_difference_between_hungry_and_horny/
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I’m having trouble with my sewing

Whoops, wrong thread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boau5r/im_having_trouble_with_my_sewing/
%
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 54 seconds

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boasq3/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
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I once dated a girl who was a part-time stripper.

You could say she was Polish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boaqc7/i_once_dated_a_girl_who_was_a_parttime_stripper/
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I lost my phone so I decided to call it,

I keep getting a busy signal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boakoo/i_lost_my_phone_so_i_decided_to_call_it/
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What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boaj1u/what_do_a_woman_and_a_bar_have_in_common/
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How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boaizk/how_do_you_make_5_pounds_of_fat_look_good/
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What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pimple?

A pimple will wait until you're twelve before it comes on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boahth/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boahc0/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
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How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Hand him a used tampon ask which period it comes from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boafl4/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archeologist/
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How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask which period it comes from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boaczk/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archeologist/
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A man wakes up one morning to find. . .

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he searches google and sure enough the top result is for a “gorilla remover”. He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he’ll be there in 5 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He proceeds to unload a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a huge ferocious looking dog.
“What are you going to do?” The home owner asks.
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with a bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to bite the gorillas testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.”, says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.
“What’s the shotgun for?” , asks the homeowner
“If the gorillas knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boaa17/a_man_wakes_up_one_morning_to_find/
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There's not really any training for garbagemen.

They just pick things up as they go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boa8xr/theres_not_really_any_training_for_garbagemen/
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I like how you think.

Ms. Kelly is teaching her first grade class about addition and subtraction.  As the lesson concludes, she calls on each student to answer a simple math problem.  Finally, she gets to Johnny.
"Johnny," Ms. Kelly begins, "if there are six birds on a telephone wire and you shoot two, how many are left?"
"None," Johnny replies.  "They all fly away after the first gunshot."
"The correct answer is four," Ms. Kelly says, "but I like how you think."
"Well, I have a question for YOU, Ms. Kelly!  Three women are sitting on a parch bench, each eating an ice cream cone.  One is licking the sides of her ice cream, one is viciously biting the top of hers, and the last one is tenderly sucking on the tip of hers.  Which of the women is married?"
Ms. Kelly, blushing a fair deal, replies, "I would have to say the one who is tenderly sucking her ice cream."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like how you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boa88s/i_like_how_you_think/
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Help please: what’s the best way to get people to like you?

Asking for a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boa7o2/help_please_whats_the_best_way_to_get_people_to/
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I don't trust graphing calculators.

They're always plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boa54d/i_dont_trust_graphing_calculators/
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I bought my wife a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boa3eo/i_bought_my_wife_a_pug_as_a_present/
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4 Nuns are waiting at the gates of heaven to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/boa3de/4_nuns_are_waiting_at_the_gates_of_heaven_to_meet/
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I just started a 2 month break from technology.

I started an hour ago. It's working out nicely so far.
Edit 1, 5/15/19: Dude I've never stuck to a goal this much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo9yea/i_just_started_a_2_month_break_from_technology/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo9vjt/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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The party

Dan, a city man, decides to move to a small cabin in the mountains.
After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for supplies, he hears a knock on his door.
He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him.
"May I help you," Dan asks.
"The name's Jim, I live 'bout two miles down the road in my cabin," the man says.
"I'm having a party this coming Saturday and I thought I'd invite you seein' that you're new and all here."
Dan accepts the invitation saying, "Great, I haven't been out in six months."
Jim says "I gotta warn ya, there's gonna be a lot a drinkin at this party."
"Well, I've been to a lot of bars and held my ground with the best of them," Dan replies.
"A lot of fightin' goes on that these parties too," Jim says.
Dan replies "well, it'll be nice to get out and I think I can hold my own."
Jim offers, "there's also gonna be some wild love making."
"Well I have been alone for the last six months," Dan says with a laugh.
So the two exchange numbers and directions and just as Jim is walking away Dan says "What should I wear?"
Jim turns and replies, "Whatever you want, its only gonna be me and you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo9va2/the_party/
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Today, my teacher asked me to summerize my work...

So, I took out all the parts about polar bears and eskimos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo9v1e/today_my_teacher_asked_me_to_summerize_my_work/
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What's the world's deadliest insect?

The hepatitis bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo9uma/whats_the_worlds_deadliest_insect/
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra

The joy brought about by the softness of the woman's breast led the man to exclaim: "I am very pleased this fortunate mishap occured"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo9rqe/a_dyslexic_man_walks_into_a_bra/
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What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

They both can smell it but can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo9lah/what_do_a_pizza_delivery_guy_and_a_gynecologist/
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What do you say to a procrastinating soviet?

Quit stalin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo9jxc/what_do_you_say_to_a_procrastinating_soviet/
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Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?

Neither have they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo9izw/have_you_ever_tried_ethiopian_food/
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So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.
Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.
Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.
After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creepy Teacher Syndrome"
"Creepy teacher Syndrome?"
"Yes," the doctor replies, "You've fucked one of your pupils"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo9hc2/so_my_mate_was_welding_the_other_day/
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A man asks the prostitute, "How much for a blowjob?"

The prostitute says: "It's $40.”
The man: “40 Bucks?! Well I only have $20. Give me 1/2 a blowjob. I really only like the last 1/2 anyways.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo9gqx/a_man_asks_the_prostitute_how_much_for_a_blowjob/
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Yea man, I just feel that I've been trampled on and walked over my entire life.

Anyway, my name's Mat. What's yours?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo9fcx/yea_man_i_just_feel_that_ive_been_trampled_on_and/
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Son: Dad, today I had my first blow job

Dad: (proudly)  So how was it son?
Son: Tasted aweful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo9bpx/son_dad_today_i_had_my_first_blow_job/
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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo95o8/two_nuns_are_ordered_to_paint_a_room/
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Soviet Russian Roulette

Soviet comrade, US guy and French fella sit around, drinking and telling stories, bragging around how much of daredevils they are.
French guy starts telling how brave he and his fellas are - "You know what? In Paris we play Russian Roulette with my buddies. We gather in a group of 6 pals and go to brothel, where we get 6 girls and spend the night with them without any protection, knowing that at least one of them has AIDS".
"PFFFT" goes the US guy and with pretentious faces tells his acquaintances: "you know guys, in Texas we have a tradition among my friends, to play Russian Roulette - we take a colt revolver, load 1 out of 6 bullets in it, roll the drum, point the gun at our heads and pull the trigger - and you know what? I'ma lucky guy, I've played this 4 times and I'm still alive!".
Soviet comrade finishes his vodka shot, and in calm voice with thick accent says: "well, that one has 5 out of 6 chanches, not that hard. Me and my comrades in Moscow, we play Soviet Russian Roulette". Both French and US dudes start asking, "come on, that's something new, tell us what it is". Soviet comrade answers:
"Well, it's not very extreme you see - all we do is gather with 5 pals and come to one of us, buy vodka and drink it sitting in the small kitchen, telling jokes".
Both French and US guy wonder: "So where's the danger in that, drinking vodka, telling jokes". Soviet comrade answers:
"You see, we tell political jokes knowing that 1 out of 6 boys in the room is KGB officer".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo94ut/soviet_russian_roulette/
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Why does China have such a big population of 1bn people?

Because their condoms are "Made in China"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo8x2g/why_does_china_have_such_a_big_population_of_1bn/
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Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo8wex/why_isnt_there_a_pregnant_barbie_doll/
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What does Donald Trump's hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo8w1k/what_does_donald_trumps_hair_and_a_thong_have_in/
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Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea

I forgot that he only drinks realty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo8srn/made_the_mistake_of_offering_my_realtor_some/
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Workers from a small russian community recently gathered together to fix one of the bells in an old historical bell tower.

Because in soviet russia, bell saved by you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo8s51/workers_from_a_small_russian_community_recently/
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A man walks into a bar with an ostrich.

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender asks him: "What can I get ya?"
The man: "I'll have two whiskeys please."
"That'll be $5.56.
The man pulls out exactly 5 dollars and 56 cents from his pocket. He puts it down on the bar, takes his whiskey, drinks with his ostrich, and leaves.
The next day, the man comes in again. He sits down, and the bartender asks him:
"What can I get ya?"
The man replies: "I'll have two bloody marys."
"That'll be $7.73"
The man pulls out exactly 7 dollars and 73 cents from his pocket. He puts it on the bar, drinks with his ostrich, and then leaves.
The next day, the man comes back. He sits down, and the bartender asks him:
"What can I get ya?"
The man replies: "I'll have two beers."
"That'll be 4.82."
The man pulls out exactly 4 dollars and 82 cents from his pocket. As the bartender serves him, he strikes up a conversation.
"Hey, you've been coming here for three days now, and I've noticed, you've always got exact change in you pocket. How is that?"
The man smiles, and goes: "Well, it's a long story, you see, back when I was a younger man, I liked to do some treasure hunting. And one time, when I was in Tibet, I actually found a lamp with a genie in it!"
"Wow!" Exclaims the bartender, "What did you wish for?"
"I'm getting to that, now, when I rubbed this lamp, this genie pops out, and there's this smoke and all, but it's not as dramatic as I would've thought, ya know?  And so he pops out, and this genie tells me that I get two wishes."
"Just two? I thought it was supposed to be three?"
"So did I. But I guess things aren't as good as they used to be. And it's not like I was going to pass the offer down. So I sit down, and I think for a bit. And eventually, I come up with what I think will be the perfect wish. I ask to have exact change for whatever I'm buying, instantly in my pocket. That way I'm never rich, but I'm not poor either."
"Smart idea. But what about the second wish?" Asks the bartender
The man chuckles and says:
"I asked for a chick with long legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo8rdu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_ostrich/
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I was talking to my girlfriend about my butthairs

Unfartunately she didn’t want to hair a butt it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo8qy6/i_was_talking_to_my_girlfriend_about_my_butthairs/
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Two men visit a pastor

The first is named Mr. Smith.  Mr. Smith has recently suffered a car accident, and his legs show no signs of ever working properly again.
The other man is Danny, a young man who has always spoken with a lisp.
Both have visited the pastor because the pastor has assured them that, with God's grace, they would have a solution to their problems.
The day of the healing arrives, and the pastor gives them very simple instructions:
"OK, when I say the word, Mr. Smith, I want you to throw down your crutches!  And Danny, you say the first thing that comes to mind!"
So, after a quick prayer to God, the pastor gives the word!  "Mr. Smith, throw down your left crutch!  Now, the right one!"
And Danny says - "Mistuh Thmith just fell on da flo'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo8pke/two_men_visit_a_pastor/
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What did the NTSC player say to his European friend?

Hello pal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo8m6u/what_did_the_ntsc_player_say_to_his_european/
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My wife

No matter how much she was moaning and how wet she was getting... I still wasn’t gonna give it to her! She can get her own fucking umbrella!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo8kvs/my_wife/
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A priest asks a convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you hold my hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo8hba/a_priest_asks_a_convicted_murderer_at_the/
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What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest actually accomplishes something when it’s triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo8g9y/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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Survivors of Cannibalism hate Twitter

Hashtag MeatToo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo8evz/survivors_of_cannibalism_hate_twitter/
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo8a66/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call orgies in Alabama

Family Reunions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo7z0t/what_do_you_call_orgies_in_alabama/
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Kids should not run with scissors

And lesbians should not scissor with the runs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo7wu1/kids_should_not_run_with_scissors/
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A man goes to a costume party wearing only his underwear with a woman on his back.

His friends see him, and ask, “What are you supposed to be?”
“Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle!”
“...a turtle?  How are you a turtle, and why is there a woman on your back?”
“Simple: that's Michelle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo7rol/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party_wearing_only_his/
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I was going to tell you a cheesy pun

but all the gouda jokes havarti been told.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo7r01/i_was_going_to_tell_you_a_cheesy_pun/
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A man buys a cow at a market in Minsk

It's a nice, big cow that gives lots of milk. After a while, the man decides that he wants to breed the cow, so he brings the cow to his bull. As soon as the bull tries to mount the cow, the cow steps out of the way! Every time the bull tries, the cow moves just slightly, and the bull fails.
The man tries everything, and nothing works. Finally he decides to get advice from the rabbi. He explains the situation, and the rabbi says, "so every time the bull tries to mount, the cow just steps aside?"
"Yes", the man says.
Rabbi asks, "did you happen to buy the cow in Minsk?"
"Yes", the man says, "how did you know?"
"My wife is from Minsk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo7mh2/a_man_buys_a_cow_at_a_market_in_minsk/
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I like my coffee like I like my women,

Cold and bitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo7lgb/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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Does anyone want any old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?

I've got a lot of back issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo7kry/does_anyone_want_any_old_copies_of_chiropractor/
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Man walks into a bank

He steps up to the teller and says...
"I would like to open a fucking checking account"
The teller looks at him and says "I would love to help you sir, but could you please watch your language"?
The man say.
"Listen Bitch, shut your mouth and open a new checking account for me!"
The teller, obviously shaken, says "Sir, if you can't control your language and stop being abusive, I will have to get the manager."
"Go get the fucking manager!" the guy yells.
So the teller comes back with the manager, who looks at the man and says
"Is there a problem here?"
"You bet your sweet ass there is a problem!" The man yells...
"I just won the state lottery, and I want to open a god damned checking account!'
The manger looks at the man, then at the teller and says...
"And this bitch is giving you a hard time"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo7kjv/man_walks_into_a_bank/
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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight.
I immediately began searching for him.  Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.
In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.
Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the Angel announces.  "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.
A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, "And what was YOUR day like?"
The guy says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo7f3s/it_was_getting_a_little_crowded_in_heaven_so_god/
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If I ever get to own a female horse...

I'm going to name her "Night," this way she'll be my Night mare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo6sko/if_i_ever_get_to_own_a_female_horse/
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Are you addicted to aquatic puns?

If so, sea kelp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo6n97/are_you_addicted_to_aquatic_puns/
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One spring afternoon, 3 were having a picnic in their garden.

Suddenly, the eldest daughter asks, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy name me Lily?”
To which the mother replies, “Well Lily, you may not know this, but all 3 of you girls were born in this very garden and when you finally were born, a single Lily petal fell on your head, and so we named you Lily.”
Lily smiled, content with the answer
“And Mommy, why did you name me Rose?” Asked the middle daughter.
To which the mother replies, “Well Rose as I said before, all 3 of you girls were born in this very garden and when you finally were born, a single Rose petal fell on your head, and so we named you Rose.”
Rose smiled, content with the answer.
And finally the third daughter asked, “Urnd murmeh, wheh deh yuh nem meh?”
To which the Mother replied, “Be quiet Tree Branch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo6ehy/one_spring_afternoon_3_were_having_a_picnic_in/
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What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're pretty much fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo67k9/what_do_a_bungee_jump_and_a_hooker_have_in_common/
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People are so sensitive today. You can't even say black shoe.

You have to say, "Tyrone, please get off my lawn"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo65oc/people_are_so_sensitive_today_you_cant_even_say/
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A man and his wife go to a sex counselor..

"Doc, our sex life has gone to the dogs. We barely do anything more than missionary anymore and only once a month... if that", says the wife.
The doctor hms and haws.
"Have you two ever tried spicing things up with a sex game?" he asks.
"Like what?" the husband asks.
The doctor then asks the couple to strip completely naked and observes the pair for a few minutes.
He then says, "I want you to go to the grocer and pick up a box of donuts and a bunch of grapes. Go home, get naked, and try this: every time you loop a donut on his penis, you have to eat it off. Every time you get a grape to land on her vagina, you have to eat it out".
The couple are hesitant but they go home and try what the doctor asked and they love it. They become way more sexually active and their sex life is healed.
Later that week, the wife if speaking with her friend over tea and explains to her friend how visiting a sex therapist saved her sex life. The friend is thrilled to hear this and asks for the doctor's name.
The friend and her husband go to the doctor later that day and tell the doctor they are having the same issue as her friend.
The doctor asks them to strip naked and promptly says, "I can't help you."
The couple are confused and inquire, "Why not?"
"I just can't", he says.
The wife's friend is desperate and begs, "Please! Can't you possible recommend anything? My friend swore your advice saved them!"
The doctor let's out a long, heavy sigh.
He begrudgingly replies, "I want you to go pick up a box of cheerios and a sack of potatoes.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo65iv/a_man_and_his_wife_go_to_a_sex_counselor/
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Why were the two crows arrested?

Attempted murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo60dq/why_were_the_two_crows_arrested/
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What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

The prick is on the inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo5ylw/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_cactus/
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Donald Trump dies and finds himself at the gates of hell

The archangel says he is a little short of space, so when Trump decides which room he wants - the current occupant will be released up to heaven. The first room they enter has Ronald Reagan swinging a large sledgehammer repeatedly breaking giant rocks into smaller ones. No break, just breaking rocks all day. Trump says "well, my bone spurs probably won't allow me to do that, so I'll pass."  Bush says "No problem Donald, good luck later."
The next room is a violent wave pool with floating wooden debris and George Bush Jr. is constantly being waterboarded. Every time it looks like Bush Jr. is able to catch his breath, another wave thrashes him even worse than the earlier ones. Trump says "That water looks a little rough for me, so I'll go onto the next room." Bush Jr. says "Good lu...Arrggh, pffft, waterboarding is really tortu....arrrrrggggh"
The  archangel says "Former President Trump, this is the final room. Hope you like it." When they open the door, Trump sees Bill Clinton sitting back in a comfortable chair, smoking a cigar and Monica Lewinsky is between his legs, giving a long slow deep throat blowjob. "This is more up my alley," Trump exclaims.
"Good," said the Archangel.  "Monica, you are now free to leave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo5xj3/donald_trump_dies_and_finds_himself_at_the_gates/
%
Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo5v83/did_you_know_a_piranha_can_devour_a_human_child/
%
I like my sex how I like my steak

Rare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo5thn/i_like_my_sex_how_i_like_my_steak/
%
A man asks his wife how many guys have you slept with?

She says "Just you! the rest stayed awake the whole night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo5n9g/a_man_asks_his_wife_how_many_guys_have_you_slept/
%
A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says:

" there is one thing I've always wanted to know"
"Ok, ask away," God said.
" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked
" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.
The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo5mnf/a_lady_died_and_went_to_heaven_upon_seeing_god/
%
Three men want to achieve a Guiness Record

.
They go to the Guiness office's and meet with the guy in charge of the world records. The first one stands in front of the Guiness guy and says "I know more songs than anyone else in the world". They proceed to go to an office where he starts  singing all these songs in almost every language. The Guiness guy starts listening to all of this and reviews everything against his song notes. A couple of hours go by and the first guy comes of the office with a big smile on his face as he now holds the "Person who knows more songs than anyone else in the world" record.
It's the second guy's turn now. He walks into the office and claims to the Guiness guy that he can count to a million faster than anyone else alive. The Guiness guy then gets a special time recorder watch and starts measuring the time as the second guy starts reciting every number. His face starts to look blue as he only breaths every 100 numbers or so. The clock is ticking and he's fully commited. Almost 20 minutes go by and the second guys comes out comes of the office with an even bigger smile on his face as he now holds the "Fastest person to count to a million in the world" record.
Time for the third guy. He walks into the office and claims to the Guiness guy that he's the one who the biggest share of useless things in the world on this phone. The Guiness guy walks to him as the third guy stars showing him all sorts of things: threbuchet memes, pictures of cats standing up,  pictures of Jhon Cena, made up conversations of people who pretend to be in the same town, among many other useless things. This goes on and on for about 20 hours, when the third guy comes out of the office with a mad face and starts yelling:
"WHAT THE HELL IS REDDIT?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo5dxg/three_men_want_to_achieve_a_guiness_record/
%
What do you call an occurence where an old actor forgets his lines?

Onset Dementia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo5doi/what_do_you_call_an_occurence_where_an_old_actor/
%
Why are there so many female archaeoligists?

Because women love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo5a85/why_are_there_so_many_female_archaeoligists/
%
How many Germans does it take to screw a lightbulb ?

One. Germans aren't funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo59ze/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_a_lightbulb/
%
The Alpine Find

An archaeological dig team was on an expedition to the Alps when they discovered a mummified human buried in the ice. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be a young male from the Neolithic period.
The team was split into two sections: Section One was to climb the slope and retrieve the mummy, while Section Two was to wait below for further orders.
Jack, a member of Section Two, decided to tag along with Section One in order to see the recovery process firsthand. When the group was all assembled, and had begun chipping away at the ice which bound the prehistoric boy's remains, Jack got a radio call from his buddy in Section Two.
"Hey, buddy, where are ya?" the voice asked.
Jack replied: "Cracking open a cold boy with the ones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo54vj/the_alpine_find/
%
Cussing In Church

A crusty old man  walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to  join this damn church."
The astonished  woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did  you say?"
"Listen up, damn  it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry  sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."
The secretary  leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him
of her situation.  The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to
listen to that foul  language.
They both return  to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the  problem here?"
"There is no  damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in
the damn lottery  and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of
this damn  money."
"I see," said  the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo54j9/cussing_in_church/
%
You can call me ugly but...

Pornhub says local milfs in my city want to fuck me right now. So guess whose opinion i'm gonna believe chief?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo532x/you_can_call_me_ugly_but/
%
I got kicked out of a gardening store when I asked for help

All I said to the worker was where are the hoes at

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4yds/i_got_kicked_out_of_a_gardening_store_when_i/
%
What do you get when you chop firewood faster than you can stack it?

A backlog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4xbe/what_do_you_get_when_you_chop_firewood_faster/
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What’s the bear minimum?

One bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4x9c/whats_the_bear_minimum/
%
On a cruise ship

A man is standing on deck, idly watching the water. On a nearby island, he spots somebody. He strains his eyes to see, and can make out that it is a very thin, dirty looking man with wild hair. He watches him jump up and down, wave, run along the beach and can even faintly make out that he man is yelling at the top of his lungs.
Intrigued, the Tourist turns to the Captain, who is standing nearby:
"So, what is up with that guy?"
The Captain shrugs.
"I dunno. He's always this happy when we sail by."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4vdl/on_a_cruise_ship/
%
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.

She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.
He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4uyl/a_blonde_who_was_tired_of_all_the_blonde_jokes/
%
Intelligent Crows

When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green light, they'd be run over by cars and their shells cracked for the crows, to be collected at a red light. Or so it seemed.
Unfortunately, despite showing signs of understanding the signals, a lot of crows were dying, being bludgeoned to death. Upon examination, they discovered that the crows were specifically only being hit by large vehicles. This fascinated our professors.
As a result, the professors setup cameras to monitor the actions of the crows. What they discovered was that the crows actually had a lookout crow who was signalling to the other crows when cars were coming and when they were not.
After a lot of monitoring and research, the professors discovered that it was a lack of adequate crow-to-crow communication that was causing the crows to be killed by larger vehicles. As it turned out, the crows could only say "Caw! Caw!" and couldn't say "Truck! Truck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4swo/intelligent_crows/
%
Three men wash up on a island populated by an ancient tribe.

The tribe leader brings the men to the center of the tribe village, and instructs them to harvest 20 of the same fruit and return before sundown.
The first man returns with 20 bananas.
“Now.” Said the Tribe leader. “Stick each banana up your arse whilst maintaining a straight face. Do that and you will be free. Do not and you will die.”
The man, though hesitant proceeds. He gets to the 4th banana before he begins wincing in pain. Having failed, the Tribe leader takes him away and kills him.
Now as an angel, the first man watches as the second man returns with 20 grapes and is given the same task. Easily enough, the second man gets to the 18th grape before he suddenly breaks into an uncontrollable laughter. The Tribe Leader takes him away and kills him.
Now an angel, the second man joins the first.
“Why did you laugh?” Asked the first man, puzzled. “You were so close to going free!”
“Yes, but I couldn’t help it when I saw the third man return with 20 pineapples!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4s6i/three_men_wash_up_on_a_island_populated_by_an/
%
Welcome back to invisibility class.

It’s really disappointing to see so many of you here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4p3s/welcome_back_to_invisibility_class/
%
Game of Thrones: season 8

That’s it. That’s the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4nhg/game_of_thrones_season_8/
%
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day...

Give a man a fishing rod and he'll pretend it's a massive penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4mtn/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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What was the name of the Australian actor that played Wolverine?

That huge, jacked man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4mgr/what_was_the_name_of_the_australian_actor_that/
%
If you wish to keep a friend away for a few months, ask him to loan you a 1000 bucks. If you wish to keep a friend away forever...

loan him a 1000 bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4lbu/if_you_wish_to_keep_a_friend_away_for_a_few/
%
I don’t understand chemistry

I guess you can say I’m a boron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4i8r/i_dont_understand_chemistry/
%
I can always find the mothers and fathers in a public event

because it's apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4gm0/i_can_always_find_the_mothers_and_fathers_in_a/
%
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for a $5K loan

The loan officer requested collateral, and the man gave him the keys of the Rolls-Royce. The car was driven into the bank's underground parking and the man was given the $5K.
Two weeks later the man goes to the bank and asks to settle up his loan. The officer tells him "It will be $5,000 in principal and $15.40 in interest." The man writes out a check immediately, gets the car keys and starts walking away.
"Sir, while you were gone I found out you're a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?"
"Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce securely in downtown Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4eg1/before_going_to_europe_on_business_a_man_drove/
%
What's the white stuff in bird shit made out of?

Bird shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4eag/whats_the_white_stuff_in_bird_shit_made_out_of/
%
Why does it take many hands to fit a lightbulb ?

Because many hands make light work.
(This is my first attempt at a joke on here)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4cy1/why_does_it_take_many_hands_to_fit_a_lightbulb/
%
Why are there fences around graveyards?

People are dying to get in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo4cpa/why_are_there_fences_around_graveyards/
%
Two cops, a man and a woman were heading out for a day's work, walking the beat with a police dog at their side...

A few blocks away from the station, the woman suddenly stops. "Dammit! I was in such a hurry to get ready, I forgot my panties back at the station. We have to go back."
"No we don't," the male cop says. "Old Ralphy here is specially trained at evidence retrieval. Just let him sniff your crotch, and he'll run back and fetch the panties for you."
She's reluctant, but it's a hot day and she doesn't want to run all the way back to the station. So she tugs her pants down a bit and lets the dog sniff her privates. Moments later, the dogs ears prick up, and he takes off back to the station.
Five minutes pass, and then ten. The two cops are beginning to worry something went wrong. Then they hear sirens blaring from the direction of the station, like all hell has broken loose. Suddenly, pursued by a dozen police cars, Ralphy comes sprinting around the corner with the police chief's cock in his mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo467x/two_cops_a_man_and_a_woman_were_heading_out_for_a/
%
I just did incredible on my BMI test.

Highest score in the class!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo3yx5/i_just_did_incredible_on_my_bmi_test/
%
You know what really terrifies me?

Watching a constipated person lose their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo3tq7/you_know_what_really_terrifies_me/
%
Communist jokes

Are only funny if everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo3t17/communist_jokes/
%
How did the accountant escape prison?

He was really good at filing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo3rvx/how_did_the_accountant_escape_prison/
%
What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?

José and Hose B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo3qpp/what_did_the_mexican_firefighter_name_his_two_sons/
%
eBay is so useless.

I tried to buy a lighter, but all they had was 13,749 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo3n9g/ebay_is_so_useless/
%
A young whale asks his father "hey dad, where did i come from?"

"From the sperm in my balls" The dad replies.
"Thanks dad"
"You're whale cum son, you're whale cum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo3m73/a_young_whale_asks_his_father_hey_dad_where_did_i/
%
If A is for apple, B is for banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo3lag/if_a_is_for_apple_b_is_for_banana_what_is_c_for/
%
If farmer A sells apple, farmer B sells banana, what does farmer C sells?

Medicine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo3kzp/if_farmer_a_sells_apple_farmer_b_sells_banana/
%
A wind turbine asks another wind turbine: "Hey what kinda music are you into?"

The other wind turbine replies: "I'm a huge metal fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo3kz4/a_wind_turbine_asks_another_wind_turbine_hey_what/
%
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar

The bartender saw him and exclaimed “omg! Its you david hasselhoff!”
David Hasselhoff wanting to sound casual replied “hey buddy, you can call me hoff!”
Bartender “ no hassel”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo3juj/david_hasselhoff_walks_into_a_bar/
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Aunt Carol

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"
"That was a fine story Sarah.  “Joey, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo3h54/aunt_carol/
%
What do you have when your sister starts crying?

You have a crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo39qp/what_do_you_have_when_your_sister_starts_crying/
%
If I had a penny for every gender there is...

Id have 2 pennies and a bunch of counterfeits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo37ut/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_gender_there_is/
%
A Teacher and his student were practicing Archery

Student shoots an arrow and misses his mark
Student: MotherFucker i missed the mark!!!
Teacher: If you say that word again, an arrow will come from the sky and go straight up your ass!
Student shoots an arrow again and misses his mark, again,
Student: MotherFucker i missed the mark again!!!
(Nothing happens)
Teacher: If you say that word again, this time an arrow will certainly come from the sky and go straight up your ass!
Student shoots an arrow again and misses his mark...again,
Student: MotherFucker i missed the mark again!!!
(Arrow comes from the sky, but goes up the Teacher’s ass)
Teacher (confused, looks up in the sky): THE ARROW WAS SUPPOSED TO GO UP HIS ASS???
A voice comes from the Sky: MotherFucker I missed my mark!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo35al/a_teacher_and_his_student_were_practicing_archery/
%
What did 50 Cent's grandmother's say when he handed her a homemade sweater?

Gee, you knit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo2unm/what_did_50_cents_grandmothers_say_when_he_handed/
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A Joke From My Granddad

There’s a mouse running around a house when suddenly he falls into a bowl, the next day he gets back out and his friend says “what happened to you?”  The mouse replies “I fell into a bowl, but the suddenly there was thunder it started raging and a massive log fell in the bowl. Luckily I was able to get out afterwards”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo2tes/a_joke_from_my_granddad/
%
The Stone-Age of Enlightenment

The year; 66 Million B.C.
September 23rd. Just after lunch, central standard time.
Three Neanderthals- Ogg, Grunk, and Louie were hunting mammoths and discussing the new sport that was taking the caves by storm. Ogg was filling the other two in on the details of the game, as they did not have DVR at the time, and in those days, most folks didn't know how to set their VCRs to record at a specific time.
Ogg - "...so Nuknuk snap the egg and pass to Krodd. Krodd make break for endzone, but great winged monster come down from sky and carry him away, and him drop it before he can score."
Grunk - "Mmm. What happen, then?"
Ogg - "What mean? He fumble. It turnover."
Louie, known to be sort of the tribe grump, was thoroughly unimpressed with the game Ogg described.
Louie - "Hmm. Sound stupid. That never catch o- *AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH^HHHHHHHHHHH^^HHHHHHHHHHHH^^^HHHHHHH^^^^HHHHHHHHH^^^^^HHHHHHHH..!*"
*[Thud]*
Ogg and Grunk turned around and realized that Louie had simply vanished into thin air.
Grunk - "Hey, where he go?"
Ogg rolled his eyes.
Ogg - "Typical. Him owe me five rocks. Now him nowhere to be found."
Grunk peered down into the gorge next to where they had been walking.
Grunk - "Nah. Me found him. Louie down there."
He gestured towards the bottom of the ravine, where Louie's crumpled, mangled corpse lay, silent and motionless on the jagged rocks below.
Ogg - "Oh. Him okay?"
Grunk threw a large stone down towards the body, which caved-in what was left of Louie's skull. He did not appear responsive.
Grunk - "Hmm... Me not think so. Him having blood, like woman."
Ogg grunted in dissaproval.
Ogg - "That sexist, Grunk."
Grunk rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.
Grunk - "Sorry, that my father talking. How hell Louie down there, when he just up here second ago?"
For several minutes, Ogg, deep in thought, stroked his beard- which had long ago coalesced into a single matted, casteroides tail-like dreadlock. There was an audible dial-up noise as he attempted to piece together the facts of this most perplexing mystery.
Suddenly, he had an epiphany:
Ogg - "Eureka! Me have theory."
His curiosity piqued, Grunk inquired;
Grunk - "What theory?"
Ogg continued;
Ogg - "Bear with Ogg on this- Big rock under feet very big, right?"
Grunk considered this for a moment. The big rock they lived on was indeed quite large.
Grunk - "Me suppose so. What point?"
Ogg did his best to articulate his new, ground-breaking notion:
Ogg - "Okay: Suppose big rock have great mass. Much bigger than Louie. Since big rock have big mass, it somehow attract objects with small mass through sort of physical force, make objects go down, like when sky cries, and *voilà*- Now Louie down *there*."
Grunk furrowed his monobrow, though it was obscured by his bulbous, super-Saiyan 3-like forehead.
Grunk - "Hmm... That novel concept, but you not follow scientific method, so is not *really* theory, technically speaking."
Ogg scoffed, indignant at this preposterous accusation. How dare Grunk, *a college drop-out*, call his flawless methodology into question?
Ogg - "What you *mean* me not follow scientific method?"
Grunk elaborated:
Grunk - "Well... To have theory, must peform experiments. Take measurements. Record and analyze data to reach conclusion. *Then* it theory. What you have *hypothesis*."
Ogg stared blankly at Grunk for several moments. His eyes narrowed. Then, without any warning at all, Ogg whacked Grunk in the back with his club, knocking him into the canyon to meet with his terrible doom.
Grunk - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEE! OGG YOU BUTTHOOOOOOOOO^OOOOOOOO^^OOOOO^^^OOOOOOOO^^^^OOOOOOOOO^^^^^OOOOOOOLE..! "
*[Thud]*
Ogg peered downward into the chasm and grunted once more.
Ogg - "Hmm. **Now** it theory... *Bitch.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo2lhb/the_stoneage_of_enlightenment/
%
Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”
Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard.
The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says.
Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!”
CRACK
The boulder immediately splits in half.
“Aw fuck this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.”
Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?”
The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position.
“Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with
“I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.”
“Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!”
CRACK
The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright.
Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!”
CRACK
Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping.
The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?”
The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo2ket/three_men_go_to_hell_and_theyre_pissed/
%
I’m clumsy, so my my job at the tripwire and claymore testing company had a rocky start

But i think i finally found my feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo2iiq/im_clumsy_so_my_my_job_at_the_tripwire_and/
%
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Everything else was made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo2hqn/in_the_beginning_god_created_the_heavens_and_the/
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If you only believe in 12.5% of the bible

You're an eighth theist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo2fpk/if_you_only_believe_in_125_of_the_bible/
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What's the name of the Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo2e86/whats_the_name_of_the_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
I like me women how l like my wine.

12 years old and locked in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo2783/i_like_me_women_how_l_like_my_wine/
%
Damn, James Charles might be getting a diamond play button soon.

He's getting closer to 10 million subscribers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo1vdk/damn_james_charles_might_be_getting_a_diamond/
%
Welcome to invisibility class.

I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo1v28/welcome_to_invisibility_class/
%
My friend lost his acting job in our local play because of his addiction to cocaine.

He kept blowing his lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo1ld8/my_friend_lost_his_acting_job_in_our_local_play/
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I won $3 Milllion on the lottery

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo1jug/i_won_3_milllion_on_the_lottery/
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I like my women as I like my PC

With the option to mute it whenever I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo1iyq/i_like_my_women_as_i_like_my_pc/
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I can do an amazing sea turtle impression....

*chokes on a plastic bag*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo1g7v/i_can_do_an_amazing_sea_turtle_impression/
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An old lady with a flimsy crutch slowly gets on a full bus but the arrogant, impolite young man next to her does not give his seat.

After the slow embarking scene is complete, finally the doors close and the already impatient driver nervously floors the gas pedal and the bus suddenly accelerates causing the old lady to trip. The young ill-mannered man tilts his sunglasses aside and with an insulting tone addresses the old lady: ”Yo, granny, if you would've had the rubber on your stick it wouldn't have slipped like that, yo...”
The old lady still laying on the bus floor looks back up at the young man with disgust and says:
”Also if your father would've had rubber on his dick I would be sitting now!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo1fq9/an_old_lady_with_a_flimsy_crutch_slowly_gets_on_a/
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I would tell you what happens when you take the 'p' out of pie.

But it explains itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo1flm/i_would_tell_you_what_happens_when_you_take_the_p/
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Started working from home recently building boats in my attic...

Sails are through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo1eme/started_working_from_home_recently_building_boats/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo1dbd/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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Husband and wife go on a holiday in Jerusalem.

His wife has an accident and dies.
The guide explains to her husband the possibilities for her funeral:
- It would cost you $ 5000 to send her home or $ 150 to bury her here.
"I think I'm going to choose the first option," said the husband
- Why? You can make a beautiful ceremony here and it's even cheaper
- Here is the place where a man died, buried and after three days he resurrected, I do not want to take this risk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo1cht/husband_and_wife_go_on_a_holiday_in_jerusalem/
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What do I know about Brexit?

Not a great deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo10pk/what_do_i_know_about_brexit/
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I bought an ex blacksmiths dog...

When I got him home, he made a bolt for the door!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo0npe/i_bought_an_ex_blacksmiths_dog/
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You know why the melons couldn't be together?

Well, they cant elope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo00x0/you_know_why_the_melons_couldnt_be_together/
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A boy, his dad, and his grandpa all browse r/jokes and laugh too hard and pee their pants...

Guess you could say it runs in their jeans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bo00gk/a_boy_his_dad_and_his_grandpa_all_browse_rjokes/
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Went to the doctors for a prostate exam

During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate .......
But I still wish he hadn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnzwly/went_to_the_doctors_for_a_prostate_exam/
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10-years old girl asks her mum: "Mummy, how was i born?"

The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnzvy1/10years_old_girl_asks_her_mum_mummy_how_was_i_born/
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9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad

And left with my mum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnztqs/9_months_before_i_was_born_i_went_to_a_party_with/
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There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
"In my family," the Scotsman said, "we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could in the balls.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
"Keep the goddamn egg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnznv7/there_was_once_a_scotsman_and_an_englishman_who/
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How World War One was won

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnzkry/how_world_war_one_was_won/
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What's the differnce between crack dealers and prostitutes?

The prostitutes can atleast clean their crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnziw1/whats_the_differnce_between_crack_dealers_and/
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So I was at Mexico and I asked a man if what we were looking at was the ocean.

He said: "Si"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnzija/so_i_was_at_mexico_and_i_asked_a_man_if_what_we/
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Meditation

Why does meditation get so much resistance?
Because there's too many Ohms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnzdr1/meditation/
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Why don't the guys from Led Zeppelin use parking meters?

Because they have No Quarter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnzcpt/why_dont_the_guys_from_led_zeppelin_use_parking/
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Blonde joke

A blonde woman is driving her car when she crashes. When the police arrive she tells them the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer.
The police said back to her “he can do what he wants in his own living room”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnzbwt/blonde_joke/
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If you wish to keep a friend away for a few months, ask him to loan you a 1000 bucks. If you wish to keep a friend away forever...

loan him a 1000 bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnz7xr/if_you_wish_to_keep_a_friend_away_for_a_few/
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What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

It’s when you try to say one thing, but then fuck your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnz7p7/what_is_the_definition_of_a_freudian_slip/
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When I was young I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS to form the name of an important body part.

Those who said spine are doctors today. The rest of us went to flight school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnz47b/when_i_was_young_i_decided_to_go_to_medical/
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Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?

Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnz3wi/why_does_the_lettuce_always_win_the_bodybuilding/
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A little boy told his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?"  his teacher asked
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." the boy said.
"You did *what*?!" the teacher shrieked.
"You know," the boy explained, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' in its ear and it didn't move!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnz2jn/a_little_boy_told_his_nursery_teacher_he_found_a/
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The Best Thing About Reddit is...

The fact that no one will ever notice my anime profile pic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnz1vu/the_best_thing_about_reddit_is/
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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."
*im on mobile sorry is formatting isn’t right*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnyubz/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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Why did the Romanian stop reading?

They wanted to give the Bucharest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnyt20/why_did_the_romanian_stop_reading/
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I went to a clinic who says they can help me get taller

I asked them how do they do it and the guy said, "I'm just pulling your leg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnysby/i_went_to_a_clinic_who_says_they_can_help_me_get/
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I never got school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnynu0/i_never_got_school_shooting_jokes/
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Beat em all up real good

One day a man arrives at the pearly gates and meets St Peter. They’re going through the necessary paperwork and documentation so St Peter asks the man, “So, did you have any memorable experiences that stood out on earth?”
The man pauses for a second to think and responds, “Why Yes I did have a quite memorable experience! I was at this bar getting a drink next to a beautiful young lady when this big bunch of bad bikers barged in and started harassing the young lady. After awhile I had to step in so I picked the biggest, baddest looking dude of the group and went up to him, punched him in the gut and yanked out his eye brow ring. Then I looked at the rest of the gang and said, "If you don’t leave now, I’ll kill all of you!’”
St Peter then looked up shocked and said, “Oh my goodness! When did all this happen?”
The man looks down at his watch... ”Oh, I’d say about 4-5 minutes ago.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnylvy/beat_em_all_up_real_good/
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Three men are stranded in the desert and find a genie lamp

My dad has told me this joke when I was younger and I thought that I’d just post it here
They are all starving and dehydrated in the hot desert. Pablo the Mexican walks up to the genie lamp and rubs it...
Genie: Pablo the Mexican, I will grant you one wish and one wish only! Choose your next words carefully
Pablo: i am a pilot and I do miss flying.. I wish that I had an airplane to fly out of here
Genie: an airplane it is!
Magically an airplane appears out of nowhere, and Pablo the Mexican has already flown away
Next up Kevin the Asian, he walks up to the genie and rubs the lamp.
Genie: Kevin the Asian ! I will grant you one wish and one wish only ! Choose your next words carefully!
Kevin:I sure do miss my wife and children...  I wish that I was at home with my family
Genie: A family’s man ? Your wish is granted !
Next up, John the Portuguese, he goes up to the lamp and rubs it
Genie: John the Portuguese! I will grant you one wish and one wish only! Choose your next words wisely !
John: dang it’s pretty lonely out here in the desert, I wish that my friends were here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnykqd/three_men_are_stranded_in_the_desert_and_find_a/
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Have you heard of the shovel?

It was a groundbreaking invention

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnyjyg/have_you_heard_of_the_shovel/
%
I accidentally played the wrong note during a piano recital

It wasn't very sharp of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnyjpg/i_accidentally_played_the_wrong_note_during_a/
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I like my women like i like my computer

Turned on
On my lap
Virus free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnygf4/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_computer/
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When Thor throws mjolnir, what does it become?

Mjolfar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnyezf/when_thor_throws_mjolnir_what_does_it_become/
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How do you make a hormone?

You don’t pay her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnyb1z/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
Apparently German U-boat crews used to have dogs on board as mascots.

They were subwoofers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnyahj/apparently_german_uboat_crews_used_to_have_dogs/
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Oysters hate to give away their pearls

Because they are shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bny9qs/oysters_hate_to_give_away_their_pearls/
%
Why did the gorilla fall off the tree?

Because he was dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bny7fe/why_did_the_gorilla_fall_off_the_tree/
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What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bny75u/whats_the_difference_between_an_inlaw_and_an/
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What do you call a dog that doesn't bark?

A hushpuppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bny0gu/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_doesnt_bark/
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What does a pigeon with sunglasses on say?

Coo man coo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnxvi4/what_does_a_pigeon_with_sunglasses_on_say/
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What’s Green and smells like pork?

Kermit’s Fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnxqmt/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
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Why do Cherry trees smell?

Because George Washington cut one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnxlcu/why_do_cherry_trees_smell/
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A man goes to the doctor

He tells him, "doctor, I think I have an intense fear of repeating myself."
The doctor asks, "You have a fear of what?"
"I said a fear of-"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnxgz9/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Doing the Boss

A woman's boss calls her into his office asking her if she would house sit when he's gone for a weekend.
Accepting right away she says , "I'll make a list right now of what you'll need. Whatll you need me to do?"
"I've a mini pig that has a rash, can you rub some soothing oil on it?" The boss replies. "sure thing!"  Says the woman
Next the boss says," The thermostat is broken at the moment and I keep forgetting to replace it. It makes the whole house to hot, can you keep adjusting it so the house stays cool?" "Sure thing" "oh also, speaking of heat, that reminds me can you clean the oven?" "no problem!" She enthusiastically responds.
"My son's staying home and will be there on Saturday around lunch time, he likes a specific boxed macaroni, would you be up to making it for him?" "You bet!"
Lastly the boss asks, "Okay awesome, and the only other thing I need done is I have a neglected bonsai tree that needs some water? Do you mind?" "Consider it done, boss!"
"Thanks so much!" He replies, "do you mind reading that list back to be so I know you got everything?"
The woman responds, "Absolutely! : Hogwarts, cool, ov. Which Kraft™? And withered tree"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnxe40/doing_the_boss/
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A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.

The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnx1ry/a_homeless_man_meets_a_rich_man_on_christmas_eve/
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Two gold fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says...

...anybody know how to drive this thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnx1le/two_gold_fish_in_a_tank_one_turns_to_the_other/
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I can't believe Hitler shot himself.

I did nazi that coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnx109/i_cant_believe_hitler_shot_himself/
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Hey kids, what are you supposed to say if a stranger offers you drugs?

You say "thank you," because drugs are expensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnwzjf/hey_kids_what_are_you_supposed_to_say_if_a/
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I caught a big dildo while I was fishing today

I mounted it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnww2w/i_caught_a_big_dildo_while_i_was_fishing_today/
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My wife divorced me so i stole her wheel chair

Guess who came crawling back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnws90/my_wife_divorced_me_so_i_stole_her_wheel_chair/
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My dad use to call me a disappointment.

Now I just wish he’d call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnwqm4/my_dad_use_to_call_me_a_disappointment/
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I have so many gay friends.

I just can’t keep ‘em straight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnwqa4/i_have_so_many_gay_friends/
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I would tell you a joke about unemployed people

but they never work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnwoge/i_would_tell_you_a_joke_about_unemployed_people/
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If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need...

Not all this, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!" nonsense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnwife/if_i_make_you_breakfast_in_bed_a_simple_thank_you/
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A man walks into a bar

and notices several lines of people getting beaten. Curious, he walks to the bartender.
Man: “What’s with these people getting beaten?”
Bartender: “Oh, those guys refused to pay their tabs so we kidnapped ‘em and let people hurt them for money, their punishment varies depending on their tab.”
M: “So what’s the price for each of these guys?”
B: “Well Tom over here in the kick line is $5, Fred in the cutting line is $10, Jeff in the pinch line is $2, John in the hair pulling line is $7... huh, that’s weird.”
M: “What?”
B: “There’s no punch line.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnwhof/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.

A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him.
\-"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked.
\-"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!"
\-"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?"
\-"Well, wherever I went people started clapping!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnwavw/my_mother_used_to_tell_me_this_joke_time_and/
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A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide

The librarian says "Fuck off! You won't bring it back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnw8u1/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
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What did the Scandanavian Intelligency agent say?

Jesus Christ! It’s Jason Björn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnw8p9/what_did_the_scandanavian_intelligency_agent_say/
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A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.
He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."
"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.
"Worry not, my child. You have many, many more years until it is your time. You will live until the ripe old age of 108!"
She's sent back to Earth and pops into her miraculously repaired body. She gets up, dusts herself off, and with a huge smile on her face immediately heads to the plastic surgeon. She proceeds to get a face lift, a tummy tuck, hair implants and more. "If I'm going to live to the old age of 108, I might as well look my best!" she happily thought.
After all the surgeries and cosmetic procedures and makeovers, she looks STUNNING. Beautiful pouty lips and a tiny waist and long luscious hair. She walks out of the salon and BAM. She's hit by a bus and dies instantly.
Once again, she is at the pearly gates and again, is greeted by God.
"What in the world was that?!" she exclaims, "You said I was supposed to live until 108!"
God looks her up and down and says "Well I didn't recognize you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnw7ta/a_woman_steps_in_front_of_a_bus_and_dies_instantly/
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My dad is like a boomerang

I can't catch, so they leave bruises on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnw7sj/my_dad_is_like_a_boomerang/
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Today at work, a male client jumped on me and started licking me.

I work at a vet though, so it’s ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnw7fx/today_at_work_a_male_client_jumped_on_me_and/
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s ever been with.

She said yes, all the others have been nine or tens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnw7a3/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_shes_ever/
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A 50 year-old woman visits her doctor

and reveals to her doctor that when she goes to the bathroom, pennies come out of her. The doctor replies, "Don't worry about it for now, but come back next week if it continues." The next week, she is back. "Now I go to the bathroom and out come nickels! What is going on?"
"I'm still not quite sure, but if it doesn't stop in a week, make another appointment," replies the doctor. Sure enough, the woman is back; "Now I go to the bathroom and DIMES are coming out. Doctor, what is WRONG with me!?"
"Not to worry," responds the doctor. "You're just going through your change."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnw333/a_50_yearold_woman_visits_her_doctor/
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I’m on a new seaweed diet

I sea weed, I smoke it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnw1jh/im_on_a_new_seaweed_diet/
%
A man and his wife attends an air show

The man sees a small aeroplane with an open roof and beautiful aesthetics. On a sign beside the plane wrote "100 dollars for a flight per person"
The man asked his wife "can we take a flight? It is my dream to take a flight in this beautiful plane."
His wife said "No, 200 dollars is too much money"
Some years pass and the same situation comes up
The man asked his wife "can we take a flight? It is my dream to take a flight in this beautiful plane."
His wife said "No, 200 dollars is too much money"
The man and his wife turned 70 years and they went to the same air show. The man saw the plane and turned to his wife and said: "we are getting old. This might be my last chance to take a ride in this beautiful plane."
His wife said "No, it's way too much money"
The pilot overheard this conversation and proposed an offer to the couple.
"if you two can sit in the plane for the whole trip and not make a sound, you will get the trip for free. If you do make a sound, both of you will pay the full price."
The man and his wife agreed to this and took a seat in the plane. The pilot took loads and loads of loops an spins before going in for landing.
The pilot turns to the man and said: "you're pretty tough for an old man, I didn't think you would make it"
The old man says "To be honest I almost said something when my wife fell out, but 200 dollars is a lot of money"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnvzzy/a_man_and_his_wife_attends_an_air_show/
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A man is returning to the vet to see if a surgery was successful.

The vet says, "Here's the bill. Unfortunately, we couldn't reattach it to your duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnvyk5/a_man_is_returning_to_the_vet_to_see_if_a_surgery/
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My company just installed an elevator that labels the ground floor as "2" and goes up from there.

It's wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnvqht/my_company_just_installed_an_elevator_that_labels/
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Pussy pic joke NSFW

Jon: Want to see a pussy on my phone, dude?
Eric: yeah man!
Jon: [Passes phone to Eric]
Eric: Why’s it on camera mode?
Eric: Oh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnvn07/pussy_pic_joke_nsfw/
%
I think my German buddy has an imaginary friend

He keeps asking me if I "See Kyle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnvlqo/i_think_my_german_buddy_has_an_imaginary_friend/
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A goat tells her boyfriend she's pregnant.

He immediately replies, "What? You're kidding!"
To which she replies back, "Yeah, that's what I said."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnvl1m/a_goat_tells_her_boyfriend_shes_pregnant/
%
Most people don't know that Adam Smith was caught up early on in the #metoo movement, when he was accused of groping his secretary.

But he insisted it was just the invisible hand...﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnvkaj/most_people_dont_know_that_adam_smith_was_caught/
%
What do you call a truck full of vibrators?

Toys for twats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnvjgm/what_do_you_call_a_truck_full_of_vibrators/
%
A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway

Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran over that lawyer!", to which the priest replies "That's okay son. I got him with my door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnvj8x/a_man_picks_up_a_hitchhiking_priest_on_the_highway/
%
A brunette mom, a redhead mom, and a blonde mom were talking about their daughters.

The brunette mom says, "The other day, I was cleaning my daughter's room, and I found a bottle of vodka.  I didn't even know she drank!"
"Well, the other day I was cleaning my daughter's room," says the redhead mom, "and I found a pack of cigarettes.  I didn't even know she smoked!"
"That's nothing," says the blonde mom.  "The other day I was cleaning my daughter's room and I found a box of condoms.  I didn't even know she had a dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnv8sy/a_brunette_mom_a_redhead_mom_and_a_blonde_mom/
%
A man was engaged to be married

but his fiancee's beautiful younger sister kept flirting with him. One day he dropped by his fiancee's house to find no one was home except the sister, wearing only a slinky bathrobe. The sister said "I know you are engaged to my sister, but if you come upstairs with me, I'll give you one last fling before your big day." The man turned around and bolted out the front door for his car, only to find his family-to-be standing in the front yard. His fiancee embraced him and his future father-in-law shook his hand, welcoming him to the family, and apologized for the set-up, but they wanted to be sure his intentions were purely for the daughter who was intended for him. The moral of the story is
: Always keep your condoms in the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnv6n6/a_man_was_engaged_to_be_married/
%
What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

The snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnv5c9/whats_the_difference_between_a_snow_man_and_a/
%
Jokes about anti-vaxxer parents never get old.

Just like their kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnuzlx/jokes_about_antivaxxer_parents_never_get_old/
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A nail company name Nail Bay hired a publicity agency for a new video ad...

After 2 weeks they asked for a meeting to show the new video.
The video started with an aerial take from the desert and kept zooming into a tiny black spot, which as the zooms keep going is a cross with Jesus nailed on it.
Right after this , the screen goes black and the company logo is shown: Nail Bay!
The company is outraged and demand a new video saying this is offensive and inappropriate.
After another 2 weeks another meeting is set for them to show the video.
The video starts and the same take starts again, it's a desert, the tiny black spot, which as the zoom keeps going shows an empty cross. Then it shows Jesus running from it.
The screen goes black again and it says.
They didn't use Nail Bay, and Jesus now runs away!
PS: sorry for English, it is not my native language and also I just typed this from memory on mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnuyzx/a_nail_company_name_nail_bay_hired_a_publicity/
%
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her...

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnuyco/the_female_janitor_at_my_building_asked_if_i/
%
"Mom, I'm dating a man."

\-  "Whom, sweetheart?"
\- "Mike the mailman."
\- "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
\- "But mom, age is just a number."
\- "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnuy8k/mom_im_dating_a_man/
%
I am a proud anti-vaccine mother of 5!

Edit-4 now
2nd Edit-2 now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnuxo2/i_am_a_proud_antivaccine_mother_of_5/
%
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $100 on make-up. So I asked, “how come I had to give up stuff and not her.”
She said, “she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.”
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnuxnt/she_told_me_we_couldnt_afford_beer_anymore_and_id/
%
What did Frodo forget to do after taking out the trash?

Put a Baggin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnuwiv/what_did_frodo_forget_to_do_after_taking_out_the/
%
Did you hear why the cross eyed teacher was fired?

She couldn't control her pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnuvxw/did_you_hear_why_the_cross_eyed_teacher_was_fired/
%
Why do you say "break a leg" to an actor ?

Cause without a good cast they are fucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnuuky/why_do_you_say_break_a_leg_to_an_actor/
%
I made a funny joke about Donald Trump’s wall, but I forgot it...

All I remember was that it was borderline racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnuuih/i_made_a_funny_joke_about_donald_trumps_wall_but/
%
One day a man arrives at the pearly gates and meets St Peter.

They’re going through the necessary paperwork and documentation so St Peter asks the man, “So, did you have any memorable experiences that stood out on earth?”
The man pauses for a second to think and responds, “Why Yes I did have a quite memorable experience! I was at this bar getting a drink next to a beautiful young lady when this big bunch of bad bikers barged in and started harassing the young lady. After awhile I had to step in so I picked the biggest, baddest looking dude of the group and went up to him, punched him in the gut and yanked out his eye brow ring. Then I looked at the rest of the gang and said, "If you don’t leave now, I’ll kill all of you!’”
St Peter then looked up shocked and said, “Oh my goodness! When did all this happen?”
The man looks down at his watch... ”Oh, I’d say about 4-5 minutes ago.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnutux/one_day_a_man_arrives_at_the_pearly_gates_and/
%
Have you ever tried shredding cheese yourself?

There is no grater pleasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnuq9w/have_you_ever_tried_shredding_cheese_yourself/
%
Little Johnny in Sunday school

So little Johnny is in Sunday school for weeks and every time the answer to all the questions is Jesus!  So the teacher asks little Johnny. What is black and has white spots and makes a moo sound.  Little Johnny says well it sounds awfully like a cow, but I’m gonna say it’s Jesus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnupky/little_johnny_in_sunday_school/
%
What's Putins favorite song to play for Ukraine.

Crimea-River

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnup4q/whats_putins_favorite_song_to_play_for_ukraine/
%
I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus,

I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:
They said "Weird flex, butt okay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnunrn/i_have_these_weird_muscle_spasms_in_my_gluteus/
%
People say my pub jokes are rubbish

But back when I was serving drinks at the local bar, I could give a decent comedian a rum for his money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnuno4/people_say_my_pub_jokes_are_rubbish/
%
Something is wrong with my lawnmower— it only runs when it’s fully choked.

It is officially kinkier than I am!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnun5e/something_is_wrong_with_my_lawnmower_it_only_runs/
%
My dear mother told me to always wear a condom

Because she new the only girls that would ever sleep with me were dirty whores.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnui5k/my_dear_mother_told_me_to_always_wear_a_condom/
%
Honestly, Trump has a point

His daughter is pretty hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnuh0h/honestly_trump_has_a_point/
%
Bill Gates dies and meets God at the Gates of Heaven (pun intended)

God says: “Hi Bill, now in your life, you’ve had an equal amount of good and bad things in your life, so I’m going to show you around Heaven and Hell and let you choose where you go.”
Bill says: “Ok” and follows God into Heaven.
Now Heaven is the stuff you’ve heard of, clouds, angels, animals etc.
Then God takes Bill to Hell, where there was a beach, great surf and a tropical landscape.
God takes him back to the gates and asks: “ Well, you’ve seen both Heaven and Hell, which one do you want to go to?”
Bill replies: “Don’t take this personally, but Hell looks nicer.”
So he’s condemned to Hell
Then 5 months later, God comes down to visit Bill, who is chained up and being tormented by imps
He asks: “But where’s the beach?!”
God replies: “Oh, sorry, that was our screensaver”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnugoq/bill_gates_dies_and_meets_god_at_the_gates_of/
%
Friendship is like getting peed on

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnucdz/friendship_is_like_getting_peed_on/
%
Why do feminists love dogs so much?

Because it's considered okay to cut off their balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnuc5r/why_do_feminists_love_dogs_so_much/
%
Her: You really shouldn't be using a plastic bag..

Me: I know, I know. It's bad for the environment.
Her: It's just a weird replacement for a Condom..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bntybi/her_you_really_shouldnt_be_using_a_plastic_bag/
%
If at first you don’t succeed

Sky diving isn’t your sport

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bntx56/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
What do Japanese cannibals eat?

Raw men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bntwfs/what_do_japanese_cannibals_eat/
%
Alfred

I was at a party when a Chinese guy approaches me and asks “ Have you seen my cocaine?”
I said “ Not since he starred in The Dark Knight Rises!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bntvtj/alfred/
%
Family having Specially Planned Dinner on Mother's Day, But the Mother was So Quiet....

Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you.'”
“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I had a Father’s Day gift.”
“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bntv05/family_having_specially_planned_dinner_on_mothers/
%
What do you call someone who uses an alt to comment on their posts?

Desperate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bntupt/what_do_you_call_someone_who_uses_an_alt_to/
%
Are you okay?

Me : i am terrified of random letters
Therapist : you are?
Me : *screams*
Therapist : oh i see.
Me : *screaming intensifies*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnttj2/are_you_okay/
%
I hate Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bntr47/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
What is the clinical term for a "Yard Sale"

Faecal transplantation. Because your shit, becomes my shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bntqpj/what_is_the_clinical_term_for_a_yard_sale/
%
What did the vagina say to the penis?

So do you cum here often?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnto7r/what_did_the_vagina_say_to_the_penis/
%
How does every racist joke start ?

With a look over your shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnto5i/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
%
It's Mother's Day and the whole family has enjoyed a delicious dinner.

As all were done, the mother stands up and as she's about to grab the empty plates, the father asks :
"Honey... what are you doing ?"
Mother : "... Bringing the dishes to the kitchen and putting them in the dishwasher, what else ?"
Father : "Come on darling, today is Mother's Day ! You'll do that tomorrow !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bntmmq/its_mothers_day_and_the_whole_family_has_enjoyed/
%
A guy goes to a cardiologist and says, "I think I am a moth"

The doctor replies, "I think you should visit the psychiatrist, why have you come to me?"
The guys says, "Because your lights were on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bntfsd/a_guy_goes_to_a_cardiologist_and_says_i_think_i/
%
Why do Muslims, black people, Mexicans, and anti-vaxxers like chocolate?

Because everyone likes chocolate, and why would someone’s religion, race, nationality, or the fact that they’re an uneducated moron change that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnt43i/why_do_muslims_black_people_mexicans_and/
%
Met a depressed Scandinavian the other day.

He wished he'd never been Björn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnt3o9/met_a_depressed_scandinavian_the_other_day/
%
Customer: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: you need to buy a drink first
Customer: ok I'll have a Coke.
Bartender: is Pepsi OK?
Customer: sure how much is it?
Bartender: 3$.
Customer: And what's the wifi password?
Bartender: I told you. 'youneedtobuyadrinkfirst' no spaces no capitals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnt2zl/customer_whats_the_wifi_password/
%
If the Americans changed from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnsxz3/if_the_americans_changed_from_pounds_to_kilograms/
%
If I bring potatoes in my luggage to Ireland

Is this smuggling or reparations?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnswqz/if_i_bring_potatoes_in_my_luggage_to_ireland/
%
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

The each got six months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnsw6p/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_that_stole_a/
%
Dads are like boomerangs

... I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnsuyk/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnsue9/i_write_my_jokes_in_capitals/
%
There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night.

A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnsq27/theres_a_bunch_of_doctors_gathered_together_at_a/
%
What did Jesus say when he was crucified?

Nobody touch my Easter eggs. I’ll be back on Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnsojp/what_did_jesus_say_when_he_was_crucified/
%
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnskcv/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
%
Everywhere I go today, it's been busy

Everyone and their mother is out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnscgb/everywhere_i_go_today_its_been_busy/
%
What do you call a transgender grim reaper?

A death trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnsacz/what_do_you_call_a_transgender_grim_reaper/
%
What’s the difference between a gun and a feminist?

You can put a silencer on one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bns67n/whats_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a_feminist/
%
A woman goes to the doctor

Lady: Doctor, I can't seem to stop singing "The green, green grass of home."
Doctor: Looks like you've got Tom Jones syndrome."
Lady: Is it a common disease?
Doctor: It's not unusual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bns5om/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bns2xn/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
It's interesting how mythology has permeated our culture. Just look at Oedipus...

he's the most famous motherfucker around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bns1v9/its_interesting_how_mythology_has_permeated_our/
%
Your mama so fat...

Thanos had to fucking clap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnrzll/your_mama_so_fat/
%
How many friend-zoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed off when it won’t screw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnrxv4/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
%
My crush asked me to prom

-ise I would fuck off and stop stalking her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnrut1/my_crush_asked_me_to_prom/
%
A man took his six year old girl to the office

As they were walking around the office, the girl started crying. Her father asked what was wrong with her.
As the staff gathered around she sobbed loudly
'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said  you worked with?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnrtha/a_man_took_his_six_year_old_girl_to_the_office/
%
A man walks into his bedroom with a pig under his arm.

The man says, “This is the pig I’ve been screwing.”
His wife says, “Ugh, she’s ugly.”
The man says, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnrpq8/a_man_walks_into_his_bedroom_with_a_pig_under_his/
%
Always look for the good things in life.

Once I was having sex with a hooker who died right during the middle of sex. What's good in this situation?
The second hour is free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnrjmr/always_look_for_the_good_things_in_life/
%
Why is a computer so smart?

Because it listens to it's motherboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnrf0n/why_is_a_computer_so_smart/
%
What did Bill Cosby do for Single moms on Mother’s Day?

I tried asking them but they couldn’t remember

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnrdlg/what_did_bill_cosby_do_for_single_moms_on_mothers/
%
Having period sex is like being a window cleaner

Just dont look down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnr9ww/having_period_sex_is_like_being_a_window_cleaner/
%
A man is in a job centre in north London and he sees an ad for a "Pube Shaver"

So he calls one of the assistants over and says "What's this all about?"
And the assistant says "Oh, yes. We have an opening for someone to work with movie actresses, bikini models and so on... all kinds of women in any branch of the industry where appearance is key, especially in the... *pelvic* region, if you follow me. The shaver is temporarily attached to one of the women while she is working and ensures that she is made presentable."
"I'm surprised," says the job-seeker. "I thought they'd just go to a salon and get a waxing or something."
"Well, it's more common than you think," says the assistant. "Sometimes they're on location where there aren't any salons, and many prefer to have a single shaver they know and trust. There are a few requirements, of course. For many of the women, it would be a huge advantage if you're male and straight."
"Seriously?" exclaims the job-seeker.
"Oh indeed. A lot of the women don't like the idea of another woman looking at them down there, and there's a common perception that gay men are actually repelled by women's genitals - which isn't good for the women's confidence and self-esteem."
"Okay," says the job-seeker, "I can promise you that there are no problems there!"
"Good," says the assistant. "Now the applicant needs to have a current passport and be willing to travel to a number of exotic foreign locations - and it helps it he's willing to socialise with the client outside working hours. It's that rapport I was talking about. And you have to be willing to stay in the same hotel as the client, in case she feels the need of a little extra grooming before a key shoot."
"That's just fine by me!" says the job-seeker.
"All right," says the assistant. "In that case, just fill out this card and get yourself to Edinburgh within the next 24 hours."
"That's where the interview is?"
"No," says the assistant, "the interview is right here. But the end of the queue is in Edinburgh at the moment."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnr5kd/a_man_is_in_a_job_centre_in_north_london_and_he/
%
For the first time in my life I finished a bar of soap

It was alright, but probably not worth the calories

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnr5cp/for_the_first_time_in_my_life_i_finished_a_bar_of/
%
All Moms are like Iron Man

Because they're (Fe)male. Happy Mother's Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnr2hp/all_moms_are_like_iron_man/
%
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.
The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnqwpx/a_woman_dies_and_goes_to_the_gates_of_heaven/
%
A man is impressed by his $2.00 circumcision

“Wow thanks Doc, you really pulled it off!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnqoel/a_man_is_impressed_by_his_200_circumcision/
%
I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”

“Yes... but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnqmyt/i_asked_my_wife_am_i_the_only_one_youve_been_with/
%
A Kid says to Mark Zuckerberg...

Kid:. My Dad says Facebook knows everything and that your spying on people.
Mark: He's not your Dad...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnqlco/a_kid_says_to_mark_zuckerberg/
%
Happy Mother’s Day!

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you." "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnqkut/happy_mothers_day/
%
A police officer is riding a horse

He comes upon a little girl riding her bike.
He stops her and asks, "Hey little girl, did Santa bring you that bike for Christmas?"
The little girl responds, "Well, as a matter of fact, he did."
The officer responds while handing the little girl a $5 ticket, "Next year, maybe you should ask Santa to bring you a reflector for your bike."
The little girl responds "Did Santa bring you that horse for Christmas?"
The officer responds, "Well, amazingly he did!"
The little girl responds with "Well, maybe next year you should tell Santa that the dick goes on the bottom of the horse, not the top!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnqdia/a_police_officer_is_riding_a_horse/
%
My wife left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid

Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnqbj7/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure_and/
%
Why do priests never win marathons?

Because they always come in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnqb33/why_do_priests_never_win_marathons/
%
Whats the difference between a Reddit moderator and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnq9rl/whats_the_difference_between_a_reddit_moderator/
%
I have a good joke about stone tools but

Its a bit of an Oldowan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnq8v4/i_have_a_good_joke_about_stone_tools_but/
%
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about the baby.

**Doctor:** You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
**Woman:** Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
**Doctor:** Denise
**Woman:** Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
**Doctor:** Denephew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnq8g0/a_woman_who_is_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a/
%
I was going to post a time travel joke…

But you guys didn’t like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnq3xa/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_travel_joke/
%
Why are computers getting smarter?

Because they listen to their motherboard.
***Happy Mother’s Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnq31q/why_are_computers_getting_smarter/
%
The end of Infinity War was a real shock for people, I know.

I was more surprised by the end of *Detective Pikachu* when everyone turned into Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnpybj/the_end_of_infinity_war_was_a_real_shock_for/
%
Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnpvey/dark_humor_is_like_cancer/
%
Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day.

I told her, "We already have food in the house".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnpr3r/mom_asked_me_where_im_taking_her_to_go_out_to_eat/
%
(Nsfw) Mickey’s divorce hearing

Judge: So, Mr. Mouse, you say you’re divorcing your wife Minnie because she’s a little silly?
Mickey: No, your honour, I said it’s because she’s fucking Goofy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnppks/nsfw_mickeys_divorce_hearing/
%
I refuse to have sex unless my girlfriend tries to suffocate me with a pillow.

I'm a smotherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnpmns/i_refuse_to_have_sex_unless_my_girlfriend_tries/
%
Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnpkqt/two_parents_take_their_son_on_a_vacation_to_a/
%
My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I said, "Oh yeah... Just you wait."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnpi1m/my_mother_said_you_wont_amount_to_anything/
%
So I was chatting up a girl at a bar, and I told her I had a joke about my penis.

"It's really long, though", I said.
"That's ok", she said. "I have a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnphw1/so_i_was_chatting_up_a_girl_at_a_bar_and_i_told/
%
What do you call a mom who can't draw?

Tracey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnpgys/what_do_you_call_a_mom_who_cant_draw/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate it's tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnpgqm/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
Robbie: Larry’s mother had four children. Three were named North, South and West. What was her other child’s name?

**Bobbie:** East?
**Robbie:** No. Larry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnpgdx/robbie_larrys_mother_had_four_children_three_were/
%
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools because we have class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnpe2c/white_people_dont_shoot_each_other_in_the_streets/
%
Two guys walked into a bar...

The third one ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnpe1h/two_guys_walked_into_a_bar/
%
For Mother's Day

I'd like to share a joke from one of my favorite customers (RIP Bernie)
Bernie: So, what did you get for mother's day?
Me: Nothing
Bernie: Why not?
Me: Because I'm not a mom
Bernie: Well, want to try for next year?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnpdf7/for_mothers_day/
%
What is cocaine mixed with semen called?

A coconut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnpde9/what_is_cocaine_mixed_with_semen_called/
%
It's time to go to war!

Two armies at war. Red v Blue (let's say).. the Blue army Master Sergeant comes up to the First Sergeant.
MS: "Sir! We are completely out of weapons and ammo. What are we going to do when Red attacks tomorrow?"
FS: "Well.. (He ponders for a sec) When you see them come over the hill, go "BANG, BANG!" and stick your hands out like you're holding a rifle. Then when they get closer, go "Flick, BOOM! Flick, BOOM!" like throwing a grenade. Then when they get closer, go "STICK, STICK, STICK!" like stabbing them with a bayonet. ... ... That is all. Report back tomorrow!"
The MS thinks his leader has lost all sanity, but heads to the battlefield. The next day he returns to his FS with a report, all in tatters and blood.
FS: "Well? You survived.. what happened?"
MS: "We did what you said.. When we saw them come over the hill, we went "BANG, BANG!" and several fell down. We couldn't believe it. So when they get closer, we went "Flick, BOOM! Flick, BOOM!" like throwing a grenade. More fell down. Then when they get closer, we went "STICK, STICK, STICK!" like stabbing them with a bayonet. We had won. We had lost no men.. it worked."
FS: "Well.. then why do you look like we took heavy losses? What happened after that?"
MS: "We got pretty full of ourselves when we saw one guy come over the hill. All alone. And we did it all again. He was coming over the hill, and we went "BANG, BANG!" but he just kept coming. Then he got closer, and we went "Flick, BOOM! Flick, BOOM!" like throwing a grenade. He still kept coming. Then when he was right on us we went "STICK, STICK, STICK!" like stabbing him with a bayonet. ... ... All we know is he walked through us going "Tank, Tank, Tank!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnpbkk/its_time_to_go_to_war/
%
What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnp9tt/what_do_we_want/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair...

Guess who came back crawling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnp9jo/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_stole_her/
%
Three woman have a chat about the sex of their unborn babies.

The brunette says I'm sure I'm having a boy. My husband came in me while he was on top.
The redhead says I'm sure I'm having a girl. I was on top when my husband came in me.
The blonde starts crying.
What's wrong the other girls ask.
I don't want to have puppies!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnp6zl/three_woman_have_a_chat_about_the_sex_of_their/
%
I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies

He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnp6lt/i_told_my_psychiatrist_i_got_suicidal_tendencies/
%
Two hunters

are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other man whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”.
The operator says “Calm down. I can help.  First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.  Back on the phone, the man says “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnp349/two_hunters/
%
What common enemy do the Hulk and Kung Fu Panda share?

>!stairs!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnozg2/what_common_enemy_do_the_hulk_and_kung_fu_panda/
%
Last Halloween, I dressed as premature ejaculation

I just came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnoz49/last_halloween_i_dressed_as_premature_ejaculation/
%
A bunch of anti-vax moms went to a bar

They all got shots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnoyja/a_bunch_of_antivax_moms_went_to_a_bar/
%
One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnovzk/one_day_albert_einstein_had_to_speak_at_an/
%
The most annoying part about both my wife and daughter wearing burqa is the confusion.

Last night, I accidentally slept with my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnot0g/the_most_annoying_part_about_both_my_wife_and/
%
I asked my friend what procrastination means

He said, "I'll tell you later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnosyo/i_asked_my_friend_what_procrastination_means/
%
2 christians were stranded in a desert.

The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty.
In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where.
John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to change their names to islamic ones so that the Imam would agree to feed them.
John: That is pointless and deceiving. We should introduce ourselves with our real names.
Jack: No, or else they won't feed us. From now on call me Mohammed.
They made their way to the mosque and met the Imam and told him about their despair.
The Imam told John: We have a room filled with food and water. As for you Mohammed, have a blessed Ramadan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnobp1/2_christians_were_stranded_in_a_desert/
%
Thanos would make a great dietician

Your diet would be perfectly balanced, as all things should be

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnoapi/thanos_would_make_a_great_dietician/
%
My computer just crashed

I think it’s due to a bad driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnoamk/my_computer_just_crashed/
%
A guy with seizures came up to a girl and said

"Every other guy can be a dildo, but I can be your vibrator"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bno872/a_guy_with_seizures_came_up_to_a_girl_and_said/
%
You see that clown that hides from gay people?

Didnt think so

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bno3q5/you_see_that_clown_that_hides_from_gay_people/
%
What do you call someone going to the bathroom?

A Turdle.
From the mind of my 9 year old daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnnz68/what_do_you_call_someone_going_to_the_bathroom/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me again so I kept her wheelchair.

She came crawling back like she always does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnnyon/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_again_so_i_kept/
%
So I made a graph of all my past relationships...

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnnx19/so_i_made_a_graph_of_all_my_past_relationships/
%
So a teen asks his crush to the prom, which she agrees to

On the day of the prom, he goes to pick up his suit. However, once he gets there, there’s a line, so he waits....and waits...and waits...
After he gets his suit, he goes to get her corsage. When he gets to the flower shop, however, there’s an even bigger line, so he waits...and he waits...and he waits...
Once he had the corsages, he made his way to her house, but the roads were packed so he had to wait in line for the turnoff. So he waited...and waited.
Finally, he reaches her house, picks her up, and drives her to prom. But there’s a line to get into the school, so they wait... and wait...
At last, they are in the prom and dancing away. After a while, they get thirsty. So they head for the refreshment table only to find out.....
There’s no punch line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnnwxt/so_a_teen_asks_his_crush_to_the_prom_which_she/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender...

I’d have $2 and a bunch of counterfeits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnnuop/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
A maid asks a the woman of the house for a raise.

The woman asks they made why she wanted one. They maid replied by saying that she was better at cleaning than the woman. The woman asked why she thought so. The maid replied that the woman’s husband told her. The maid also said that her husband told her that she was better at cooking than the woman. The woman then asked through gritted teeth: “And? What other reasons do you have?” The maid said: “Well I’m better than you at sex.” The woman now visibly angry said “And who told you this? My husband?” The maid replied: “No the gardener did.” The woman then hastily said: “Ok ok how much do you want?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnnk4t/a_maid_asks_a_the_woman_of_the_house_for_a_raise/
%
I asked my dad at what age it's ok to have sex.

He said, "when they leave school, they are legal".
Apparently 3:15 is not what he meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnnh7n/i_asked_my_dad_at_what_age_its_ok_to_have_sex/
%
Why do the Swedish have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So they can Scandinavian.
(Sorry, my personal favourite joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnngzk/why_do_the_swedish_have_barcodes_on_the_side_of/
%
Birthdays are healthy

It's been scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays, usually live longer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnndz0/birthdays_are_healthy/
%
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar company.

All I did was a take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnnb1k/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_the_calendar/
%
Today is my birthday and I want to do something special!

Like killing whoever the fuck wants me to be happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnn5wb/today_is_my_birthday_and_i_want_to_do_something/
%
2 men walked into a convenience store.

Man 1: I am a very good thief! I stole 3 chocolate bars and hid them inside my hat!
Man 2: I am way better that you. Watch and learn.
Man 2 walks to the cashier and offered to show him a magic trick.
He takes out 3 chocolate bars from the store and ate them in front of the cashier.
The cashier looked annoyed and said "Where's the magic trick? You're gonna have to pay for that!"
Man 2 said: Look under man 1's hat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnn4ew/2_men_walked_into_a_convenience_store/
%
A paraplegic is haggling the price of a wheelchair

He says "$300 or I walk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnn3qs/a_paraplegic_is_haggling_the_price_of_a_wheelchair/
%
My brother went to jail one day.

He took it really badly. He refused all food and drink, and swore at everyone who tried to talk to him. He smeared his shit everywhere as a sign of protest.
We never played monopoly with him ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnn3j6/my_brother_went_to_jail_one_day/
%
Not many people like pee jokes.

But if you do, urine luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnmyyi/not_many_people_like_pee_jokes/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the 'fresh prints'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnmszl/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
I used to hate facial hair,

But then it grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnmsu4/i_used_to_hate_facial_hair/
%
I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road

without having their motives questioned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnmrr2/i_dream_of_a_world_where_chickens_can_cross_the/
%
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Happy Mother's Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnmmkk/the_best_years_of_my_life_were_spent_in_the_arms/
%
What do you call a fish that 3.14 inches long?

πrahna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnmjxf/what_do_you_call_a_fish_that_314_inches_long/
%
A man walks into his doctor's office and yells "Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm invisible"

"Who said that?" The doctor yells back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnmiyq/a_man_walks_into_his_doctors_office_and_yells/
%
There's a guy going around dipping his testicals in glitter

Its pretty nuts tbh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnmhrx/theres_a_guy_going_around_dipping_his_testicals/
%
What do you call Bob the Builder after he retires?

Bob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnmgwi/what_do_you_call_bob_the_builder_after_he_retires/
%
What movie was based on the life of Othkar Thindler?

Schindler's Lisp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnmd4z/what_movie_was_based_on_the_life_of_othkar/
%
Do people think you are YOUNG or OLD? The test, fall over in a supermarket…..

If everyone laughs, you are YOUNG.
If people run over to help, you are OLD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnmc7q/do_people_think_you_are_young_or_old_the_test/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnmc02/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
Two things never got old...

Dark humour and unvaccinated children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnm84c/two_things_never_got_old/
%
Just finished my spring cleaning.

Sometimes I wish I'd never bought a Slinky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnlvs1/just_finished_my_spring_cleaning/
%
Little Johnny: 'mum, I need to go to the toilet,'

Mum: 'ok hang on....I'll help you in a minute'
Johnny: 'i want grandpa to take me, his hand shakes'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnlol3/little_johnny_mum_i_need_to_go_to_the_toilet/
%
One day, a doctor goes on a boat tour in rural Asia.

After a while, the doctor asks the tour leader, "Can you do maths?" the tour leader says, "No I can't, actually." the doctor replies, "Well, your life expectancy is reduced by a quarter.
Later the doctor asks again, "Do you understand science?" the tour leader again says no. The doctor says, "Well, your life expectancy has reduced another quarter.
For the third time, the doctor says, "Can you read?" the tour leader again replies with no. The doctor notes again, "Your life expectancy is reduced by a 3rd quarter.
About half an hour later, a big gust of wind appears and the boat starts rocking. The tour leader now asks, "do you know how to swim?" the doctor replies with no. Then the tour leader says, "Well, I guess your life expectancy is reduced by 100%!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnlnlf/one_day_a_doctor_goes_on_a_boat_tour_in_rural_asia/
%
A woman was in labor and shouted out "Can't! Wouldn't! Don't! Shouldn't!"

The doctor said, "don't worry, it's just contractions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnlmmr/a_woman_was_in_labor_and_shouted_out_cant_wouldnt/
%
My favorite sex position is called "WOW"

It's when your flip your MOM upside down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnlj6v/my_favorite_sex_position_is_called_wow/
%
Someone once told me I'd spend the rest of eternity in limbo after I die

So I'm spending my life lowering the bar for all other people. I'm going to win that fucking game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnl98p/someone_once_told_me_id_spend_the_rest_of/
%
What did the potato say to the tomato?

Hey sweetie, why are you blushing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnl7nc/what_did_the_potato_say_to_the_tomato/
%
I don't want acne,

But bacteria in cyst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnl6o5/i_dont_want_acne/
%
A man walks into his proctologist appointment

And the nurse tells him that the doctor will be right with him. As it’s his first time, he anxiously begins to dart his eyes around the office. He sees, among other things, a tube of KY jelly, a glove, and a beer.
When the doctor comes in, the man’s curiosity gets the best of him, and he can’t help but ask the doctor about the items.
“Now I know it’s my first rodeo and all,” the man asks, “I can infer what the lube and the glove is for, but for the life of me I can’t imagine what the purpose of the beer is.”
The doctor suddenly turns red in the face, and with a huff and a puff storms out of his office and slams the door, when the man hears him screaming at his nurses,
“Damn it all to hell I said a BUTT light!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnl3p5/a_man_walks_into_his_proctologist_appointment/
%
There was a young man from Nantucket

Who's arse was wide as a bucket,
When asked how it got so,
He said "if you must know",
It got that way when I let a horse fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnl200/there_was_a_young_man_from_nantucket/
%
How do you confuse a blond?

Tell her to piss in the corner of a round room.
How does she confuse you?
When she comes back and says she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnkyax/how_do_you_confuse_a_blond/
%
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnkuaa/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
How many flat earthers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, because they couldn’t figure out what shape it was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnkr14/how_many_flat_earthers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Him and his wife decide they won’t tell the kids what type of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad says “well it’s what mommy calls me sometimes”
The little girl screamed to her brother “Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnknyr/a_man_kills_a_deer_and_takes_it_home_to_cook_for/
%
My friends say I have a Messiah complex...

but I forgive them for they know not what they do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnkh1c/my_friends_say_i_have_a_messiah_complex/
%
Coughed up the messiah of a honeycomb earlier

Scared the bee Jesus outta me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnkdkq/coughed_up_the_messiah_of_a_honeycomb_earlier/
%
Three guys die and go to The Gates.

Since they're three grown up men, St Peter asks them what they want their families to say at their wakes.
First guy : I want them to say that I was a great surgeon, one of the best. That I was a loving father, and that I will be missed.
Second guy : Well, I want them to every good memories they have about me. How gentle I was with the kids, and that I'll be greatly missed.
Third guy : To be honest, I want them to say "Look, he's moving!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnkc7k/three_guys_die_and_go_to_the_gates/
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Alyssa Milano is calling for a sex strike protest

I don't know what the protest is about but it's not going to work on Redditors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnkbz4/alyssa_milano_is_calling_for_a_sex_strike_protest/
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A man standing at the urinal looks over and sees a Leprechaun

At the urinal next to his. The Leprechaun has a massively huge dick, the guy asks "Hey how did you get your dick so big?". The Leprechaun says, "I'm a Leprechaun, I can have whatever I want.". Pressing, the man says, "How could I make mine that large?". The Leprechaun replies, "If you let me put my magic dick up your ass you will wake up tomorrow with a huge dick.". Reluctantly the man says ok go ahead and he bends over. After a few minutes of vigorous butt sex the Leprechaun leans over and whispers in the man's ear, "How old are you?". The man replies, "I'm 34.". Laughing the Leprechaun replies, "34, and you still believe in Leprechauns?!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnkb7l/a_man_standing_at_the_urinal_looks_over_and_sees/
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My wife was upset and asked if I thought she was fat

To calm her down I replied 'oh Honey.. sugar, sweetie pie.. avoiding these would be a good start'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnk9gi/my_wife_was_upset_and_asked_if_i_thought_she_was/
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TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up

Without looking really dumb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnk5aq/til_it_is_impossible_to_stick_out_your_tongue/
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What do you call a spider in the Middle East?

An Iraqnid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnk4ke/what_do_you_call_a_spider_in_the_middle_east/
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I wrote a book.

It's called *Preparing Your Pets for the Apocalypse, and Other Fun Recipies*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnk4dq/i_wrote_a_book/
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How loud would it be if all the cats in the world meowed at the same time?

I don’t know exactly but it would be cat-astrophically loud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnk25e/how_loud_would_it_be_if_all_the_cats_in_the_world/
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I dig...

You dig...
We dig...
He digs...
She digs...
They dig...
Now it's not the most beautiful poem but its quite deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnk1jw/i_dig/
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If you want to open a store, I'd recommend selling stoves

Because you'll immediately offer a range of hot products.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnk0t3/if_you_want_to_open_a_store_id_recommend_selling/
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How do you drown a blonde?

You tell her she can breath underwater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnjxor/how_do_you_drown_a_blonde/
%
I FINALLY met my Mr. Right...

I just wish someone would have told me is first name is Always...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnjuqu/i_finally_met_my_mr_right/
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Boss : You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?

“I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnjsbk/boss_you_are_the_worst_train_driver_ever_how_many/
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Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes

I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnjrv9/saw_a_guy_being_beaten_up_by_4_dudes/
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A man has a failing liver...

and the doctor tells him he needs a transplant. Then man asks if it is necessary.
The doctor says its liver die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnjrfl/a_man_has_a_failing_liver/
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I don’t fuck with abortion laws

In fact, with abortion laws,I don’t fuck at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnjq6v/i_dont_fuck_with_abortion_laws/
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,” So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, go ahead and tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnjo8s/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks_what_is/
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What do you call a bee hive with no exit?

Unbelievable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnjgho/what_do_you_call_a_bee_hive_with_no_exit/
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People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot

Then why did the plane crash?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnjeap/people_always_say_the_show_lost_had_such_a_great/
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Two cows are in a field and one says to the other "I'm kind of worried about this Mad Cow disease, are you?

The second cow replies "Nah I'm not worried about it. I'm a helicopter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnjay5/two_cows_are_in_a_field_and_one_says_to_the_other/
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This might not be the right place to ask but does anyone know where I can practice being dominant in bed with this girl I met?

Sorry, I'm new to this sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnjade/this_might_not_be_the_right_place_to_ask_but_does/
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Mom, do we have to go to Europe?

Mom: Shut up and keep swimming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnj7pv/mom_do_we_have_to_go_to_europe/
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What sex position is illegal in Alabama?

Reverse cowgirl, because you never turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnj6nt/what_sex_position_is_illegal_in_alabama/
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Just had two Police at my front door.

They asked me the questions - ‘Are you familiar with the letters HB'?
I said - ‘No I’m not'
'How about LS'?
'No'
'What about JD'?
I said - ‘Hang on a minute - am I a suspect or something'?
They said - ‘No these are just initial enquiries'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bniwpo/just_had_two_police_at_my_front_door/
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What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

The cancer came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnivlp/whats_the_difference_between_my_dad_and_cancer/
%
Why wasn’t the communist invited to the houseparty?

Because he had no class!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnitgj/why_wasnt_the_communist_invited_to_the_houseparty/
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A Psychic is buying clothes in a store.....

**Employee:** How about this shirt?
**Psychic:** That shirt is too small.
**Employee:** How can you know! You didn't even try it on!
**Psychic:** I'm a medium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnisil/a_psychic_is_buying_clothes_in_a_store/
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A few originals (hopefully) by me.

I read an article the other day that said women named Rachel are 10x more likely to get pulled over by the police...
Another terrible example of Rachel profiling.
_______
What do you call a dinosaur that is attempting to get his girlfriend to try new things in the bedroom?
TryAnalSaurasRex
(or the worse version TryAnalSoreAssSex)
__________
Did you know that honey contains bee vitamins?
________
This next one can only be used when its snowing.
You start by telling somebody that you are the reason for the snow. They will roll their eyes and ask how, then tell this story.
"Years ago I attended a Native American ceremony, the chief of the tribe took a liking to me and actually taught me how to perform a traditional rain dance. Year after year I practiced and perfected the dance, and eventually I started to make improvements to it. It's pretty much the same dance, but a lot cooler."
______
There once was a mountain who was afraid of everything. His biggest dream was to be able to jump through a hula hoop. He was always too afraid to try, though he knew he could do it if he was just a little bolder.
_____
They still need work, but I like them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnis84/a_few_originals_hopefully_by_me/
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A crow was arrested an put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.
"Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."
"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."
"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said.
"So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all to busy anyway"
"You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied
"They've got you on attempted murder!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bniqi9/a_crow_was_arrested_an_put_behind_bars/
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A frazzled looking doe stumbles out of the woods at night

And thinks to herself "I'm never doing that for two bucks again".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnipe2/a_frazzled_looking_doe_stumbles_out_of_the_woods/
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What did Captain America order at Starbucks?

One Iced Americano.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnimsx/what_did_captain_america_order_at_starbucks/
%
Aliens be like

No homo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnimbn/aliens_be_like/
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Husband: Why are you applying makeup so late at night hon?

Wife: I face-lock my phone while my makeup was on & now that fucking thing isn’t working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnicio/husband_why_are_you_applying_makeup_so_late_at/
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My girlfriend is well pumped up for sex tonight..

...I might have to pump her up some more though. I think she's got a slow puncture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnibus/my_girlfriend_is_well_pumped_up_for_sex_tonight/
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[On a date] Her: So tell me something weird about yourself.

Me: I can see dead people.
Her: Wow! Any hobbies?
Me: Grave digging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnia2y/on_a_date_her_so_tell_me_something_weird_about/
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Why don’t you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree?

Because they are awesome at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bni9ta/why_dont_you_ever_see_a_hippopotamus_hiding_in_a/
%
Just remember you’re unique,

just like everyone else!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bni97t/just_remember_youre_unique/
%
A succubus, a furry and a fairy all walked into a bar

* The bartender was a bit shocked but than asked, "how may I help you today"?
* The Succubus said, "A dry martini and a horny man".
* The furry said, " A light beer and a hairy pussy".
* The bartender looked at the fairy and said, "Lemme Guess, A sweet glass of nectar and a gay man?"
* The fairy looked at the bartender and replied with a deep manly voice, "Rum on the Rocks and a bloody shotgun"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bni493/a_succubus_a_furry_and_a_fairy_all_walked_into_a/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette

are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel.  As the compartment is plunged into complete darkness for the Nth time a ringing slap is heard. The train passes back into daylight and the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bni2lg/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_beautiful_blonde_and/
%
I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite

I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bni0q4/im_going_to_join_the_navy_purely_out_of_spite/
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Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.

As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two.
“Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie.
The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!”
The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females.
The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.”
The genie snaps his fingers and *poof* a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears.
The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!”
The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females.
The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.”
The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter.
The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!”
The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female.
The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie.
He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnhz15/long_a_little_white_rabbit_is_being_chased/
%
Why are scarecrows always the best at their jobs?

They're outstanding in their field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnhyjh/why_are_scarecrows_always_the_best_at_their_jobs/
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A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat

The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!"
The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!"
Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do."
After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?"
"I'm a mortician."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnhvfd/a_tattooed_guy_a_hot_blonde_and_a_pale_looking/
%
Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnhsz4/scientist_my_findings_are_meaningless_if_taken/
%
My favourite sex position is called "WOW"...

It's where I flip your MOM over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnhswx/my_favourite_sex_position_is_called_wow/
%
Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it is cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnhsv8/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_female/
%
What's the Vatican's term for breaking the celibacy?

"A minor issue"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnhsik/whats_the_vaticans_term_for_breaking_the_celibacy/
%
If you put on cowboy clothing...

Are you ranch dressing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnhkrw/if_you_put_on_cowboy_clothing/
%
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ?

Iron man is a superhero while Iron woman is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnhiwb/what_is_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
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A middle aged couple on vacation

In the coldest months of winter a middle aged couple from the north of USA , had missed the summer so much they decided to go to Florida , and stay in the same hotel they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.
The husband had a longer holiday so he decide he would go a day earlier to surprise his wife and get everything ready for her. After checking in he discovered that they added Computers to every room and decided to email his wife.
Unfortunately he got the email adress wrong and instead of sending it to his wife, a widow whose husband , who happened to be a pastor , had just died, and after coming home from his funeral she decided to check her email for condolences from family and friends.
Her son found her fainted in front of the PC and before her on the screen read :
To:My beloved Wife
Topic:I've just arrived
I understand your probably shocked after receiving this message but they have Computers here now , so you can email your friends and relatives , and I decided to write to you.
I've just checked in , everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I'm happy I'm going to see you.
I hop you will have a journey without problems just like I did.
PS: It's really hot down here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnhfsp/a_middle_aged_couple_on_vacation/
%
Why there are two d's in Reddit ?

Because one is a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnhex0/why_there_are_two_ds_in_reddit/
%
I'm so poor, I had to slap Dwayne Johnson's ass for $10

I've hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnhcir/im_so_poor_i_had_to_slap_dwayne_johnsons_ass_for/
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Why is Donald Trump always in the comments?

Because the real joke is always in the comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnh7qa/why_is_donald_trump_always_in_the_comments/
%
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN

They become VERY ANGRY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnh75q/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
%
I lost 2000 calories today.

I burned my brownies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnh5r2/i_lost_2000_calories_today/
%
I asked my magic mirror if there was anyone prettier than me.

Does anyone know how to turn it off it hasn’t shut up since last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bngy50/i_asked_my_magic_mirror_if_there_was_anyone/
%
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bngo9q/man_doctor_all_five_of_my_boys_want_to_be_valets/
%
To the people who ate tide pods.

What did you Gain?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bngnu6/to_the_people_who_ate_tide_pods/
%
Once at a gig, Bono stopped everything and asked the crowd for complete silence. He started slowly clapping his hands and he said “every time I clap my hands, a starving child in Africa dies....”

....and then one man in the crowd shouted “well then stop clapping your hands then you cunt!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bngda8/once_at_a_gig_bono_stopped_everything_and_asked/
%
Why does a cow milking stool only have 3 legs?

Because the cow had the udder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bng6iu/why_does_a_cow_milking_stool_only_have_3_legs/
%
In an oasis deep in the Sahara desert, there lived a great tribe.

Now, contrary to all other tribes and their hierarchies in the region, the power in this tribe was based off the lengths of one’s beard. Lord knows if it was a genetic mutation that kept on spreading, but beards in this tribe were plentiful, long, and deemed holy by the tribe’s official religion. So holy, in fact, that legend had it if one got rid of their beard entirely, they would be smitten upon by God and turned into a vase. The chief of the village, Ebenezer, had the longest beard in the tribe: 12 feet long, and considered blessed by God, which is what gave him his position as chief in the first place. Soon after he was crowned chief, he gave birth to a baby boy, who, legend has it, came out of the womb with a hefty beard half his size. This was considered a miracle to the chief and his village, and all knew that he was destined to become the new chief after his father. His father named him Benny, after his father before him. Considering his value, Benny was kept safe and hidden from the rest of the tribe, only being allowed to maintain his magnificent beard, stretching to almost 10 feet by the time he was only 5. He wasn’t allowed to play with the other children like a normal boy, and Benny quickly became distraught. Flash forward 20 years or so, and Benny had overtaken his father’s position as chief. With his 40+ foot beard, Benny could barely walk or perform his chiefly duties, making him more depressed and the tribe disdainful towards him. One day, Benny had had enough, and determined that no longer the consequence or the old stories his father told him, it was in his best interest to shave his beard to become a normal person. And as soon as he took the ceremonial dagger and ripped the first hair from his magnificent beard, a sweeping sandstorm rushed through the tribe, passing over, curiously, in a matter of seconds. When it had subsided, Benny’s father had found him vanished, and sent the rest of the tribe out to look for him. As he checked Benny’s throne room, he found, at the center of the room, a single hair and a clay vase. He wept, and solemnly told himself, “A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnfynp/in_an_oasis_deep_in_the_sahara_desert_there_lived/
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do you know how to tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

you give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnfx15/do_you_know_how_to_tell_how_heavy_a_red_hot_chili/
%
Where do Egyptians go when they don't want to face reality

De-nile River

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnfvbc/where_do_egyptians_go_when_they_dont_want_to_face/
%
I asked Alexa "What do women want?"

The fucking thing hasn't shut up for three days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnfrwa/i_asked_alexa_what_do_women_want/
%
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?

Bisaxual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnfnr2/what_do_you_call_someone_that_plays_tenor_and/
%
I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnfldi/i_went_to_the_library_and_i_asked_the_librarian/
%
Did you hear about the firework and the battery who got in a fight the other night?

Apparently one was charged but the other one was let off..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnfkck/did_you_hear_about_the_firework_and_the_battery/
%
I’m a little jealous of everyone in Alabama.

They only have to go to one family reunion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnfhfx/im_a_little_jealous_of_everyone_in_alabama/
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A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead are sentenced to death.

They come face to face with the executioner and he asks each which way they would prefer to die: electric chair or lethal injection.
The Redhead says that she’ll go with the lethal injection.  The executioner readies his equipment and gives her the injection.  Within 10 minutes she is dead.
The Brunette decides to get in the electric chair.  The executioner throws the switch and nothing happens.  He pulls the switch again and again but nothing happens.  He tells Brunette, “Since the chair isn’t working, by law you’re free to go.”
Then it’s the Blond’s turn, and she says, “ I guess I’ll go lethal injection the chair obviously isn’t working...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnfghv/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_sentenced/
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A frog walks in a bar

The frog sat on the table and the guy next to him ask:
-Are you a frog?
The frog stood there for a slight minute and responded:
-ribbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnfanm/a_frog_walks_in_a_bar/
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Young Jimmy got mixed in with a bad crowd and found himself headed to jail. Being his first time, he was a little intimidated by the things he’d heard, so he was looking for some advice.

His uncle was a colorful fellow and a world traveler, and Jimmy figured he probably knew his way out of a dangerous situation better than anyone else he knew.  After Jimmy explained his predicament, the uncle said:
“Yeah, I reckon I have some advice. Some years ago I was overseas riding through the desert on my little donkey Sophie. We were lost and damn near out of food and water when I saw on the horizon the biggest house I’d ever seen, like something out of Lawrence of Arabia. I figured there might be some help for us there, so over we went.  Well, turns out we’re the first living things they’ve seen in weeks and the poor bastards are more starved than we are. They get to talking, and I get the impression they’re of a mind to eat ol’ Sophie. I’m trying to figure out how I’m gonna get out of this one when a caravan appears in the distance.  Ends up being the supplies those folk were waiting for, just camels and camels full of food, and we all have a laugh and a big dinner, no hard feelings.  Well I’m pretty tuckered by this point and figure I’ll get some sleep and me and ol’ Sophie will be moving on in the morning.  In the middle of the night I hear the most God-awful ruckus I’ve ever heard, just snarling and braying and crashing around. Everyone runs out towards the stable and sees a pack of wild dogs attacking ol’ Sophie, but before we can do a thing the camels in that caravan run in and stomp all over those dogs. Herd instinct and all that...”
“I don’t mean to be rude,” interrupted Jimmy.  “But I was hoping you’d have some advice for me about prison.”
“Never been to prison,” replies the uncle. “All I can tell you is that when you’re stuck at the big house you’d be surprised how many times a pack of camels will keep your ass from getting torn to pieces.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnf7dn/young_jimmy_got_mixed_in_with_a_bad_crowd_and/
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After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.
"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.
To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."
Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform.  He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs
Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bneznv/after_150_days_off_flooding_noah_released_all_the/
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My Grandad always said “When one door closes, another opens.”

Awesome guy, but he was a shitty cabinetmaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnez0e/my_grandad_always_said_when_one_door_closes/
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How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

You’ll see one later and the other in a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnevtg/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a/
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What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?

Molasses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnerst/what_do_you_call_6021023_butts/
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Two goldfish are sitting in a tank....

One fish turns to the other and says, ‘soooo, how do you drive this thing?’
My son says this is my best dad joke ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnerip/two_goldfish_are_sitting_in_a_tank/
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So those two guys want to escape a mental asylum...

They came up with a brilliant plan of running away by jumping on rooftops. When they managed to get to the roof the first man jumped a giant gap and made it to the other building, he then called out his friend to jump.
“Hell no I’m not gonna jump that, I’ll fall and die, better be trapped in this asylum forever than dead!”
So after some thinking, the first guy came up with a genius plan...
“Alright fine look, I have a flashlight that I’m going to turn on right now, I want you to walk on the light beam and you’ll be fine.”
“What do you think I am, stupid? I know you’re going to turn it off when I’m halfway through!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bneqt4/so_those_two_guys_want_to_escape_a_mental_asylum/
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Little Johnny stomps on some honeybees....

One day little Johnny was playing outside. As he was feeling particularly reckless, Johnny kicked a beehive. The honeybees cam out of the hive and started swirling around Johnny. This pissed Johnny off so he stomped on the bees. His father witnessed this and told him: “Don’t do that! No honey for a month as a punishment for stomping on the bees.”
Later that week, Johnny squished a butterfly as it landed on his nose. His father saw this and said: “No Johnny! No butter for a month will be your punishment .”
While Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner later that day, a few cockroaches were crawling on the counter. Johnny’s mother quickly crushed the cockroaches with a frying pan. Johnny and his father were watching. Johnny asked his father: “Are you going to tell her or should I?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bneq2t/little_johnny_stomps_on_some_honeybees/
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I was on the bus the other day and saw a guy sit down on his glasses.

I guess his hindsight wasn’t 20/20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnenej/i_was_on_the_bus_the_other_day_and_saw_a_guy_sit/
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Old man is lying on his deathbed

He has 3 daughters that all are married. He tells them to call their husbands because he has last wish and he needs them.
When they come, he speaks to them: "It is a long time tradition in this family to put $1000  in a coffin of a dead person, because that grants him good life in another world. I need you 3 to all put at least $1000 in a coffin with me when I die."
They all agree.
Couple days go by and the old man dies. His son in laws come and they remember his words.
First guy takes a step towards old guy's coffin and says: "You are the one who raised my wife and you gave our marriage a blessing. I hope you live good in another world." And puts 1000 dollars in cash into the coffin.
Second guy comes there and speaks: "We are all very sorry that a person like you had to go. You were there for us all the time and now we will be with you." He then pulls out $1000 and gently lays them next old man's body.
It was time for the third guy to do his part so he comes there and says: "Dear father in law, I loved you with my whole heart and I do not know how will I cope with your death." He then proceeds to pull a pen and some paper out of his pockets. "I know about your tradition and I want you to have a good life in the other world because you definitely deserve so." He then writes a check with $5000 and signs himself. He puts the check in the coffin and takes the $2000 other guys left and says: "I decided to give you 3000 dollars but unfortunately I did not have cash. I am sure there are banks up there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bneik5/old_man_is_lying_on_his_deathbed/
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I wanted to post a time-travel joke...

But you guys didn't like the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnehkq/i_wanted_to_post_a_timetravel_joke/
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What did Albert Einstein called masturbation?

A stroke of genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnehdz/what_did_albert_einstein_called_masturbation/
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Girl in a party

There’s this girl who’s all alone in a party. She’s sitting on a chair and looking at everyone else dancing, hopelessly, waiting for a boy. She was there for over an hour and finally this fancy looking boy approaches.
He gently asks, “Hello, you’ve being sitting on this chair all alone for over and hour. Do you wanna dance?”
Her eyes filled with happy tears and she finally managed to get some words out. “Y...yes..” She replied with a broken voice.
Shes stands up and takes boy’s hand. And the boy said “Thank god. I was looking for a chair to sit and you’ve being sitting on the only chair for hours.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnefke/girl_in_a_party/
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Why are there two ds in reddit?

Because one of themselves a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bneeb1/why_are_there_two_ds_in_reddit/
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What do John Wilkes Booth and Taylor Swift have in common?

they both know how to get a crowd going

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnecxn/what_do_john_wilkes_booth_and_taylor_swift_have/
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What is the average lifespan of a snowy owl?

6 books

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnebfj/what_is_the_average_lifespan_of_a_snowy_owl/
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I just found out i’m colourblind

The diagnosis came out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bne9be/i_just_found_out_im_colourblind/
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If you're American when you walk in the bathroom, and you're American when you walk out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

European.
(You're a peein')

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bne93a/if_youre_american_when_you_walk_in_the_bathroom/
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How do you make a plumber sad?

You kill his family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bndw1f/how_do_you_make_a_plumber_sad/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...

...they'd eventually find me attractive.
*Possible repost.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnduzd/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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Wife gets really upset with her husband and tells him she better find something that goes 0-160 in 3 seconds in the driveway tomorrow, or she's leaving. She goes outside in the morning and in the driveway, in all its glory, there's a...

Scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bndta9/wife_gets_really_upset_with_her_husband_and_tells/
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Two guys at a bus stop NSFW

One of them was saying to the other: "Emma comes first, then I come. Then two asses come together, then I come again. The two asses, they come together again. I come again, pee twice then I come again."
A woman holding a small child's hand covers her child's ears and tells them off in a state of total outrage.
"What's the matter lady? I was just telling my friend here how to spell Mississippi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bndrts/two_guys_at_a_bus_stop_nsfw/
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A Buddhist goes to a hot dog stand

And says, “make me one with everything”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bndr5m/a_buddhist_goes_to_a_hot_dog_stand/
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I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bndq40/i_was_banging_this_hot_chick_on_her_kitchen_table/
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I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
Bonus: Redditors' motto-
REDUCE
REUSE
REPOST

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bndpj8/im_pleased_to_announce_reddit_has_achieved_its/
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I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bndok1/i_got_fired_from_my_job_because_i_kept_asking_my/
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Are you http?

Because ://

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bndkgt/are_you_http/
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A Female Journalist Ventures Into A Village

A female journalist ventures into a village in a faraway land, away from all modern civilization, to write a story about the people that lives there.
When she gets into the village, the villagers give her a warm welcome, tell her that she can talks to anyone and photographs anything that she wanted. Delighted, she starts looking for willing participants to do a simple interview.
The first person she's found is an elderly man, sitting on a porch outside his wooden house, smoking from a rough looking pipe.
After getting the elderly man's approval, she proceed to start the interview by asking him what was the happiest memory he's ever had in this village.
The elderly man takes a minute to think, and appears to be unable to hold back a smile, said:
"A long time ago, a good friend of mine was holding a wedding ceremony for his son. All the villagers were there to help. Some men went hunting for good meat, some helped decorating and setting up the venue, and women were helping to prepare the most delicious food for the wedding. But on the night of the wedding, the bride went missing! We suspected that she might have gotten lost in the woods up on the mountains, so I went up the mountain with 20 other men, torch in hand, to go look for her. By the time we found her, it was already dark, and a storm was coming so we had to camp up there. We were all very bored in the cold night so we took turn to have sex with the bride! She was absolutely beautiful!"
Shocked and embarassed by his story, the journalist quickly change the topic, asking him what was his second best memory of this place.
The elderly man then said:
"A long time ago, a traveler came to our village. He was a very friendly man and we all loved him very much. A day before he left he told our village's sheperd that he would like to buy his largest sheep with a high price. He even offered 50 silver pieces for it! Delighted, our sheperd told him he has the deal. But on the night before the traveler leave, the sheep went missing! We suspected that it might have gotten lost in the woods up on the mountains, so I went up the mountain with 20 other men, torch in hand, to go look for it. By the time we found it, it was already dark, and a storm was coming so we had to camp up there. We were all very bored in the cold night so we took turn to have sex with the sheep! It wasn't beautiful but it was fun anyway!"
The journalist is even more shocked and embarassed, she again, quickly changes the topic. However, this time she asked the elderly man if there's any unhappy moments in his life.
The elderly man stopped smiling completely, his expressions changed, eyes devoid of all things except for tears. He then said: "A long time ago, I got lost in the woods..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bndfyr/a_female_journalist_ventures_into_a_village/
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What’s the best anti-aging treatment?

Anti-vax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bndem5/whats_the_best_antiaging_treatment/
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A scholar and a fisherman

A scholar is travelling in a small boat with a poor fisherman across a large lake.
The scholar asks the fisherman "did you learn how to read?“
The fisherman replies "no, I have not"
"What a pathetic waste of your life!“ sneered the scholar. "Half your life has been wasted!“
"Have you ever learned to swim?" retorts the fisherman.
"No" replies the scholar.
"Then your whole life has been wasted" quips the fisherman. "The boat is sinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bndcr9/a_scholar_and_a_fisherman/
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A guy walks into a bar

And walks over to the bartender. He notices some beautiful piano music coming from one side of the bar, but he can’t see the stereo or the piano anywhere. So he asks the bartender “hey where is that music coming from?”
The bartender says “check the end of the bar.”
So the guy walks over and looks around and then notices on the floor the tiniest piano he has ever seen. Looking around the back he sees the littlest man he has ever seen just playing away!
So he asks the bartender “where did you find this little guy, he’s amazing!”
So the bartender says, “well you see, in the back I have this lamp, and inside that lamp there is an ancient Genie that will grant you one wish.”
So the man says “no way! Can I try?”
“Sure go ahead.” Says the bartender.
So the man walks into the back, seems the lamp sitting on a barrel and gives it a rub.
With a giant whoosh and blue lights an ancient wizen sold genie comes out of the lamp. He says “you woke me up from my nap! What is your wish?”
Well the guy, put in the spot says “ok, I wish for a million bucks!”
With a poof and a flash the genie disappears and a million ducks appears out of thin air!
The guy looking around scratching his head, walks out front to the bar, stepping over the million quacking ducks asks the bartender: “What gives? I wished for a million bucks and poof I got a million ducks!”
“Yea.” Says the bartender, that old genie’s hearing ain’t so good. You think I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bndbrw/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Just heard this one at work. Clearly the boss is gone lol

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!"
He replies, "It's not for sale."
The woman says, "Please I want *that* one," again he says it's not for sale.
The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred dollars for it." and the salesman says, "Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, "How's business today?"
The salesman replied, "It's pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnd6kq/just_heard_this_one_at_work_clearly_the_boss_is/
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So Quasimodo is fed up of being the bell ringer of Notre Dame and wants to quit...

He puts an ad out in the newspaper,
"NEW BELL RINGER NEEDED FOR NOTRE DAME CATHEDRAL, TRIALS THIS SUNDAY AT THE BELL TOWER".
Sunday comes around and Quasimodo is waiting patiently at the base of his tower. No one has turned up and he's losing faith that anyone will before the Sunday service. Just as he is about to give up waiting a man appears.
"Hello hunchback I'm here for the bell ringer trials"
"Hurrah!" thinks Quasimodo over the moon he can finally retire. He shows the new guy up the bell tower explaining the job on the way.
"You know I wasn't born a hunchback" says Quasi, "it's all the ducking over the years that's messed up my back! You'll see for yourself when we get up there"
They finally reach the top of the tower and Quasimodo says he'll show the new guy how to ring the bells. Quasi goes over to the ropes, jumps as high as he can and yanks the rope down. All of a sudden a giant bell swings down and Quasi ducks down to the floor as the bell rings out.
"So that's what you meant!" says the new guy "seems easy enough let me have a go!"
The new guy walks over to the ropes, jumps as high as he can and yanks the rope down. He doesn't duck and the bell swings, smashes into the new guys face, knocks him out the window and he falls into the street.
"OH FUCK!!" Quasimodo screams as he races back down the tower. He burst into the street and the new guy is on the floor surrounded by a crowd. Quasi pushes his way to the front where someone asks him,
"Hunchback do you know this man he came from your tower?!"
"No," replies Quasimodo, "but his face rings a bell".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnd3om/so_quasimodo_is_fed_up_of_being_the_bell_ringer/
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Two men are drinking in a bar

at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."
1st Man: "No it’s true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the tenth floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the tenth-floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I’ll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the tenth-floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the eleventh, tenth, ninth, eighth floors... and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnczcl/two_men_are_drinking_in_a_bar/
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Nailing them

A farmer asks his farmhand to fix the gate by replacing two planks.
The farmhand walks over to the barn to find a hammer and some nails to attach them when he runs into the two beautiful daughters of the farmer.
The farmhand looks at the daughters and tells them their father has ordered him to have sex with both of them.
The daughters don't believe him, so the farmhand turns around and shouts to the farmer:
"You want me to nail 'em both?"
The farmer replies with:
"Of course I do! What good would one do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnctks/nailing_them/
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I'm organizing a class action lawsuit against Huggies and Pampers.

Their diapers never hold the 22-37 pounds they advertise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bncsw0/im_organizing_a_class_action_lawsuit_against/
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How do you drown a hipster?

you throw him into the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bncqw0/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
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A penguin is driving through the desert...

He's cruising down a long stretch of highway when all of a sudden his car starts billowing smoke out from under the hood. The car starts sputtering, and being so far from home and in such heat, he starts to worry about his own safety. Luckily, as his car starts to come to a halt, he notices a gas station and service center just a bit further down the road. He manages to waddle his way over to the shop, and approaches the service desk.
"Oh thank God, you have to help me, I just broke down outside and I'm completely stranded!" exclaims the penguin.
"No problem sir! We'll have someone haul your vehicle in, and we'll have it in tip top shape in no time!" the mechanic replies. "In the meantime, you look like you need to cool off! Here, the gas station just next door sells ice cream, take this voucher and go get yourself a nice vanilla cone on us!"
The penguin is overwhelmed with gratitude.
"Thank you so much! I'm not very well suited for this climate, and that would be perfect!"
So the penguin happily waddles over and orders himself a big cone full of soft serve. It's so cold and soothing, he can't help but scarf the entire thing down within seconds. He's eager to express his thanks to the mechanic for all of his help, so he heads back over to the service station.
As soon as he walks in, the mechanic comes in from the back, wiping grease off of his hands with a towel. He walks up to the penguin.
"So, it looks like you blew a seal."
"Oh, no, it's just ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bncq2f/a_penguin_is_driving_through_the_desert/
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What happens whan you eat tin foil?

You sheet metal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bncpcg/what_happens_whan_you_eat_tin_foil/
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The best thing about having a penis...

Is sharing it with people who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bncnmz/the_best_thing_about_having_a_penis/
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What do you call a hat with no legs?

Handicap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bncmql/what_do_you_call_a_hat_with_no_legs/
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Whats the difference between Hitler and a Nascar driver?

The nascar driver can actually finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bncm3u/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_a_nascar/
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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnciwc/a_man_is_in_bed_with_his_wife_when_there_is_a/
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What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 metres long?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnch5s/what_do_you_call_a_snake_thats_exactly_314_metres/
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An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.
The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started.
At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since he’s seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off.
The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how that’s possible after what he’s just seen.
“Oh that,” the man says. “Well, tonight’s my night to be the Designated Decoy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bncfy2/an_onduty_police_officer_is_staking_out_a/
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Three men walk into a bar...

Three men walk into a bar and order three beers. The first man has an iguana on his shoulder. The second man is holding a cat, but not wearing any pants. The third man is covered head-to-toe in bees.
The bartender sets a beer in front of the first man and asks, "What's the deal with the iguana?"
The first man says, "Oh, I just lost my job. I was a zookeeper, and since I love reptiles, they let me keep him as part of my severance package."
Satisfied, the bartender sets a beer in front of the second man and asks about his situation.
"I'm recently divorced. My wife took everything-- the house, the kids, the car, even my clothes. All that's left is my cat."
Lastly, the bartender sets a beer in front of the man covered in bees and asks him, "All right, so what's your story?"
And the man screams, "GET THESE FRIGGING BEES OFF ME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bncfr9/three_men_walk_into_a_bar/
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Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost.

They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'll shoot your dick off!" the prince says.
"I'm a fireman," the second guy says.
"Then we'll burn your cock off!" says the prince.
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bncep4/three_guys_travel_to_saudi_arabia_and_get_lost/
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Caution before taking kids to work

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying, so her father asked what was wrong with her.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnce7e/caution_before_taking_kids_to_work/
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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bncdco/john_oreilly_hoisted_his_beer_and_said_heres_to/
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My Mom Told me...

I was being a little rambunctious, so my mom told me to go watch the grass grow. Like any good little Mexican boy, I did what she said. I got bored after a little while, so I went back to my mom and asked her if she had anything else for me to do.
She said to go watch the trees grow. I did, but after an hour or so, it got boring. I went back to my mom.
She said to watch the flowers grow. They were pretty, so I watched them for a couple of hours before getting bored. I headed back to see what else my mom could suggest.
She said to watch the grain grow.
That was so fun that it lasted for the rest of the day. Poor guy thought I was a cartel spy or something and started freaking out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bncbd4/my_mom_told_me/
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Where’s the best place to get an N-word pass?

The black market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnca1g/wheres_the_best_place_to_get_an_nword_pass/
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What’s the difference between me and a calendar?

A calendar has dates!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnc7td/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_calendar/
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Three friends are chatting, drinking beer...

The first one says: "lately, I only have sex with my wife once a month..."
The second: "me--once a week..."
The third: "me—two, even three times a week!”
The first: “dude, come on! You don’t even have a wife!!”
3rd: “wait a minute, I thought we were talking about YOUR wife!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnc2x6/three_friends_are_chatting_drinking_beer/
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What happens if you eat aluminium foil?

You sheet metal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnc0kh/what_happens_if_you_eat_aluminium_foil/
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A guy is walking down the street, and sees his neighbor walking hand in hand with a gorilla.

The guy asks: hey, what are you doing with that gorilla?
His neighbor says: that's my wife.
The guy: you married a gorilla?!
The neighbor: you laugh, but she's the best companion I've ever had. She's clean, doesn't require much other than bananas, and the sex - amazing.
The guy: sex?!
The neighbor: yeah, wanna see?
Before the guy can reply, the neighbor takes out a bat, and hits the gorilla on the head as hard as he can. Then, she proceeds to go down on her knees and starts blowing him. The guy stares in awe - there she is, a gorilla, performing fellatio on his neighbor. The sight is astounding.
After she's finished, the gorilla stands back up and the neighbor asks the guy: would you like to try?
To which the guy replies: sure, just please don't hit me so hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbyj4/a_guy_is_walking_down_the_street_and_sees_his/
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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbx2i/a_man_is_in_bed_with_his_wife_when_there_is_a/
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Why is there two d's in reddit?

The second one's a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbwdj/why_is_there_two_ds_in_reddit/
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Friend: What time is it

Me: pass me that trombone and I will find out.
Me: *plays trombone loudly.*
Neighbour: "who the fuck is playing the trombone at 2am?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbutp/friend_what_time_is_it/
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I was walking down the street yesterday and bumped into the ghost of a soldier.

Me: But Mr. Ghost how did I hit you? Surely you're non-corporeal.
Ghost: That's Lance-corporeal to you private.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbufv/i_was_walking_down_the_street_yesterday_and/
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3 men snuck onto a farm in the middle of the night

to stir up some trouble.
A black guy, a spanish guy and a polish guy.
They throw some rocks and break some windows, they tip a cow or two and just generally run amuck.
The farmer hears all the ruckus and comes running out with his shotgun.
"who goes there!? Get off my farm or I'll shoot ya!" he sneaks around looking for the men.
The 3 men run into the barn to hide.
The black guy hops into a grain bag.
The spanish guy hops into a bale of hay.
The polish guy hops into a potato sack.
The farmer creeps into the barn, looking for any sign of movement.
He hears some rustling in the corner.
He goes over to the grain bag and gives it a kick.
The black man squawks like a chicken "kakaw!"
"damn chickens...got into the grain bag again."
He walks over to the haybale, where the Spanish man is hiding, and gives it a kick.
"mmeeooww"
The farmer thinks nothing of it. The cat is just sleeping in the hay.
He then walks over to the potato sack and gives it a kick.
The polish guy shouts:
"Potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbs8v/3_men_snuck_onto_a_farm_in_the_middle_of_the_night/
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What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbr7s/whats_it_called_when_a_chameleon_cant_change_its/
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Why did the dried up semen cross the road?

I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbqty/why_did_the_dried_up_semen_cross_the_road/
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A drunk was walking down the street one night, when he goes up to a cop and says, “Officer, my car was stolen!”

The Cop asks “Ok, where did you last see you car?”
So the drunk says, “Right here at the end of this key”
The cop doesn’t want to deal with it so he says, “Ok sir, go down to the station and fill out the paperwork. But before you go, you should probably zip up your fly”
The drunk looks down and says “Aw man, they got my girlfriend too”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbq3x/a_drunk_was_walking_down_the_street_one_night/
%
The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."
Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."
Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on."
All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob.
Her Majesty: "Now what's this?"
Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this man has much better health insurance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbou7/the_queen_of_england_is_taking_a_tour_of_an/
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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician... "Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!".
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbmpp/an_american_spy_is_in_soviet_russia_digging_up/
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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbmkg/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
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I have written a song about tortillas.

Actually, it's more like a rap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnblhs/i_have_written_a_song_about_tortillas/
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What do you get when you combine Insomnia, Dyslexia and Agnosticism?

A person who is awake at night wondering if there is a Dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbh9d/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_insomnia/
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I can't believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbg94/i_cant_believe_marijuana_is_still_illegal_in/
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

"You know, one would have been enough"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbf5f/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/
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Why are there 2 "d's" in Reddit?

The 2nd one's a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbdq8/why_are_there_2_ds_in_reddit/
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Genie: what are your 3 wishes?

Me: make every word 4 letters long
Geni: wish gran
Meee: make ever word star with “br”
Brni: brsh bran
Bree: brke brer brrd brnd brth “uh”
Bruh: bruh bruh
Bruh: bruh bruh bruh
Bruh: bruh bruh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnbc5k/genie_what_are_your_3_wishes/
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This one is long

So a couple are driving down a road and the wife says,”I want a divorce”
The man keeps driving
The wife continues,”Your a great guy, but I have been cheating on you”
The man is silent
The wife gets mad and says,”Do you have anything to say!?”
The man says,”Nope, I have everything I need”
The wife asks what is that and the man replies seconds before they crash into a tree,”An airbag bitch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnba0i/this_one_is_long/
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I asked a co-worker to come over late at night. She said she wanted to keep our relationship professional.

I said, "Okay, you can pay me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnb98h/i_asked_a_coworker_to_come_over_late_at_night_she/
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

They’re afraid someone will clean them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnb8ta/why_do_they_lock_gas_station_bathrooms/
%
A animal joke

A turtle is crossing the ride and gets mugged by two snails. When the police show up and ask him what happened, the turtle told them,”I don’t know, it all happened so fast”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnb8ct/a_animal_joke/
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My kid asked me what he should get his Mom (my ex) for Mother's Day. I said how about something she can use in the bath?

....like a toaster!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnb72t/my_kid_asked_me_what_he_should_get_his_mom_my_ex/
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A man returning home a day early...

from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it!
This man has been very generous!
I lied when told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly bills!"
Shaking his head from side to side, the husband slowly lowered the gun and looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches cold!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnb1au/a_man_returning_home_a_day_early/
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How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnaz20/how_do_you_follow_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
women are like tables

they don't talk to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnax4h/women_are_like_tables/
%
"Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm"?

"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnaura/do_you_tell_your_husband_when_you_have_an_orgasm/
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It's hard to find a funny chemistry joke here

All the best Argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnaud8/its_hard_to_find_a_funny_chemistry_joke_here/
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Comic Sans walks into a bar

The bartender says "Get out - We don't serve your type".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnau3a/comic_sans_walks_into_a_bar/
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A recent study shows that 60% of people use their cellphones to cheat on their partners.

The remaining 40% prefer to use their penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnasc4/a_recent_study_shows_that_60_of_people_use_their/
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Why did the ant name its middle segment "Stormbreaker"?

Because that was its Thor axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bnar9d/why_did_the_ant_name_its_middle_segment/
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My mate said he'd seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bna6p0/my_mate_said_hed_seen_another_bloke_put_his_arms/
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What's the difference between a Hoover Vacuum and a Harley Davidson motorcycle?

The position of the dirtbag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bna3gd/whats_the_difference_between_a_hoover_vacuum_and/
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One in our friend group is supposed to be a dyslexic junkie.

Needles to say it's not me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bna2sm/one_in_our_friend_group_is_supposed_to_be_a/
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What did the cheeze say when he scored in basketball ?

Swiiisssssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bna141/what_did_the_cheeze_say_when_he_scored_in/
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What day of the week does the moon dislike the most?

SUNday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bna0pa/what_day_of_the_week_does_the_moon_dislike_the/
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Losing weight is no walk in the park..

It’s a run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bna0e4/losing_weight_is_no_walk_in_the_park/
%
Why did the nurse bring a red pen to work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn9zvo/why_did_the_nurse_bring_a_red_pen_to_work/
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The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming.

Its like she's never seen a penis before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn9xeq/the_woman_next_to_me_on_this_rollercoaster_wont/
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A bull was sent to prison for violently running into a man and killing him

Guilty as charged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn9vnd/a_bull_was_sent_to_prison_for_violently_running/
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A kangaroo is jumping around in Australia

When ever she stops a little penguin pocks his head out of her pouch.
In Antarctica a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling: Fucx this student exchange program!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn9sja/a_kangaroo_is_jumping_around_in_australia/
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Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

Or did they?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn9oxg/two_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,
"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."
"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.
The Communist then turns to another friend.
"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."
"No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven," says Petya.
"Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day."
"Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace," says Misha.
"Thank you, comrades, for being with me throughout all these years," says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon."
His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says.
"And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass."
Just as his friends were about to say something the old communist took his last breath.
So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting:
"Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn9nvq/lying_on_his_deathbed_is_a_russian_communist/
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Why did Thor hate playing games?

Because he was a Thor loser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn9mw4/why_did_thor_hate_playing_games/
%
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke

And I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn9l0y/so_i_was_standing_at_a_bus_station_having_a_smoke/
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How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Definitely not 6 because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn9dld/how_many_dead_babies_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do you call an erection at a funeral

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn90rv/what_do_you_call_an_erection_at_a_funeral/
%
A stormtrooper and a red shirt gets into a fight

The stormtrooper misses, but the red shirt dies anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn8ypw/a_stormtrooper_and_a_red_shirt_gets_into_a_fight/
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What do you call a fake gaming console?

Pretendo Switch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn8y33/what_do_you_call_a_fake_gaming_console/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

He was playing chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn8qsx/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Train driver

My boss said to me, “you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”
I said, “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn8mm2/train_driver/
%
My doctor called me in for an urgent visit today

Then proceeded to tell me I didn't have much longer to live...
"Well,"  I said, "How much longer do I have?"
Then he says... "five"
"Five!  five what!?  five months? five weeks?, five days?"
He shakes his head and says. "four, three, two..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn8g6q/my_doctor_called_me_in_for_an_urgent_visit_today/
%
Where does the suicide bomber go after dying?

All over the place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn8axx/where_does_the_suicide_bomber_go_after_dying/
%
Two men are on opposite sides of a river.

The first man shouts to the second, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"
The second man shouts back, "You are on the other side of the river!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn89dz/two_men_are_on_opposite_sides_of_a_river/
%
Never date a moonshiners daughter...

She only wants to make you liquor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn89a1/never_date_a_moonshiners_daughter/
%
You and two of your friends die and go to Heaven. At the gates, ...

St. Peter greets all of you, "Welcome to Heaven, guys. You all lived pretty good lives, so we're going to let you all in. We only have one rule in Heaven - don't step on any ducks."
Friend 1 thinks, that must be a pretty easy rule to follow.
Then the three of you walk through the gates and see that Heaven is wall to wall ducks. Friend 1 barely has any time to appreciate that fact before he takes one step ... right onto a duck.
That duck lets out a tremendous quack, which gets the rest of them quacking, and pretty soon Heaven is full of the sound of quacking ducks. St. Peter appears with what has to be the ugliest woman in all of Heaven. He says, "Well, that didn't take long" as he chains the hideous woman to Friend 1 for all eternity.
Friend 2 thinks, "Wow, sucks to be Friend 1!" as he takes a step ... right onto a duck.
That duck quacks, they all start quacking, etc. St. Peter appears with a woman who is, quite improbably, even uglier than the first. He says, "Well, you guys aren't too quick on the uptake!" as he chains this new woman to Friend 2 for all eternity.
Having ample warning, you learn to watch your step. Weeks go by, and you don't step on any ducks.
One day, St. Peter appears with a woman who is absolutely gorgeous. She's certainly the most attractive woman you've seen on Heaven or Earth. Without a word, St. Peter chains the two of you together and vanishes. You say, "Wow, what did I do to deserve this?"
The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn8655/you_and_two_of_your_friends_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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It’s raining cats and dogs outside!

I stepped in a poodle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn84f1/its_raining_cats_and_dogs_outside/
%
A man walks into a restaurant and orders a soup.

Shortly after he gets it he calls the waiter
Waiter: Yes Sir, how can I help you?
Man: Can you please taste the soup?
Waiter: Why? What's wrong with it?
Man: Please taste the soup!
Waiter: I can replace it if there's anything wrong with it!
Man: Taste the soup.
Waiter: OK! OK! calm down. But where's the spoon?
Man: That is it son of a bi\*ch! Where's the spoon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn82l9/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_and_orders_a_soup/
%
I don't tell dad jokes.

Dead people can't laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn8123/i_dont_tell_dad_jokes/
%
What does the Italian soldier say to the gardener that just ruined his lawn?

Its Apache

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn80ji/what_does_the_italian_soldier_say_to_the_gardener/
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I was once a man trapped in a woman's body

Then I was born and got over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn7w4w/i_was_once_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch...

They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn7tgr/a_blonde_and_a_redhead_have_a_ranch/
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I was asked at a recent job interview if I could perform under pressure

I said I don't know that one but I could have a fair go at Bohemian Rhapsody..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn7s6g/i_was_asked_at_a_recent_job_interview_if_i_could/
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My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had a few drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn7pu7/my_wife_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out_instead_of/
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Why do people in China buy so much chips?

It's the cheapest way to get good clean air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn7pq0/why_do_people_in_china_buy_so_much_chips/
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What do you call a book club that has been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn7kf3/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_that_has_been_stuck/
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I am both dyslexic and gay.

I feel uncomfortable with both and am ashamed of either.
I am in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn7k4k/i_am_both_dyslexic_and_gay/
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Why do you need a lot of people to fix a light bulb?

Because many hands make light work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn7jtf/why_do_you_need_a_lot_of_people_to_fix_a_light/
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I yelled "Cow!" at a woman riding a bike. She just looked at me and gave me the finger.

Then proceeded to crash into the cow that was on the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn7h7x/i_yelled_cow_at_a_woman_riding_a_bike_she_just/
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Worth it !

Me : is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet store : aluminum I think.
Me : so there’s no nickel in this cage ?
Pet store : Don’t u dare!
Me : it’s a nickless cage
Pet store : GET OUT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn7gib/worth_it/
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What do you call the Hulk when he picks up Captain America's shield?

The Star Spangled Banner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn7dep/what_do_you_call_the_hulk_when_he_picks_up/
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My dads a trucker so he applied for a job at Mcrosoft

Apparently they are looking for more drivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn7bte/my_dads_a_trucker_so_he_applied_for_a_job_at/
%
How come Thanos is so buff and strong?

He's a member of Snap fitness.
Sorry, had to blow the dust off of this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn78x9/how_come_thanos_is_so_buff_and_strong/
%
Officer: How did the hacker escape?

Me: I don't know he just ransomware﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn787g/officer_how_did_the_hacker_escape/
%
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets..

..It’s never going viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn7607/one_problem_with_antibiotics_is_that_no_matter/
%
My wife got really angry at me for trying to plant flowers on her head.

But I'm sure they'll grow on her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn74ou/my_wife_got_really_angry_at_me_for_trying_to/
%
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant.

Then I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn724l/i_wasnt_originally_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
%
How do dairy farms do their taxes?

Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator, but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn6t02/how_do_dairy_farms_do_their_taxes/
%
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma

6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor. Denise.
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn6svs/a_woman_who_is_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a/
%
A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem

The doctor asks "How often?" and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour.
The doctor goes to his back office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, "What are going to do with that Doc?"
The doctor replies, "I'm going to open some windows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn6ghb/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_with_a_flatulence_problem/
%
So, I asked out a really fine lady who was WAY out of my league, she says, “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last person on Earth...”

“Well, DUHHHH, you’d be dead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn6g4e/so_i_asked_out_a_really_fine_lady_who_was_way_out/
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While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.
It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel.
The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.
I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”
She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn6e5h/while_on_vacation_in_spain_with_my_wife/
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What do you call a movie about Hitler in a race car?

The fast and the führerious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn69d3/what_do_you_call_a_movie_about_hitler_in_a_race/
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My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe

I said its Narnia buisness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn68kn/my_dad_asked_me_why_there_was_a_lion_and_a_witch/
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Schrödinger’s Cat walked into a bar...

And didn’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn67cl/schrödingers_cat_walked_into_a_bar/
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What do you call masturbating in French?

Menage a moi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn668j/what_do_you_call_masturbating_in_french/
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What do you call the Punisher with a degree in IT?

A troubleshooter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn64zg/what_do_you_call_the_punisher_with_a_degree_in_it/
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Can we ban Yo Mama jokes from this subreddit, there old stupid and have been done by literally millions of people.

Just like Yo Mama!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5zi1/can_we_ban_yo_mama_jokes_from_this_subreddit/
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Say what you want about Alabama...

But they really came into their own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5z70/say_what_you_want_about_alabama/
%
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says: "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5ybh/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant_while/
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Me and my friends were playing truth or dare

Then i got to give a dare so i grabbed a unlabeled CD and told my friend to put his dick in it, he did so and asked why, then i said
"This CD contains a movie with a touching story about a old man that loses his wife and best friend so he decides to fly away with his house using balloons but a kid ends up going with him and they end up forming a father-son relationship"
And in that moment he knew, he fucked up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5wds/me_and_my_friends_were_playing_truth_or_dare/
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Cowboy insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."
"Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5vqz/cowboy_insurance/
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What's worse than having diarrhea?

Having to spell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5vnb/whats_worse_than_having_diarrhea/
%
Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5qf6/dear_redditors_i_really_need_your_advice_on_what/
%
Why does Sonic the Hedgehog have human teeth?

Rule 34

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5qa5/why_does_sonic_the_hedgehog_have_human_teeth/
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What's the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. learned to speak English and went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5q6z/whats_the_difference_between_et_and_an_illegal/
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My buddy in the other room said I have too many cows.

That's what I overherd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5p8d/my_buddy_in_the_other_room_said_i_have_too_many/
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It's actually ilegal to be over a certain weight in Japan...

Probably because last time a Fatman was In Japan it caused alot of damage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5o46/its_actually_ilegal_to_be_over_a_certain_weight/
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Me: Wearing a W on my head.

Else: The heck's that on you're wearing!?
Me: That's my W-Hat 😀
Else: It's a WHAT???
Me: Exactly 😉

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5ltf/me_wearing_a_w_on_my_head/
%
I just flew in from Chernobyl...

And, boy, are my arms legs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5k3r/i_just_flew_in_from_chernobyl/
%
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5jjg/a_mechanic_was_removing_a_cylinder_head_from_the/
%
my tinder date told me that I shouldn't be using a straw

I quickly respond "I know, I know. It's bad for the environment."
"No," she replied,  "it's just a weird way to eat spaghetti."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5gl2/my_tinder_date_told_me_that_i_shouldnt_be_using_a/
%
What's the difference between a catholic priest and a zit?

A zit comes on your face only after you're twelve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5f14/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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Unlike Buzzfeed.......

Which is complete trash, Reddit has proven time and time again to be the more environmentally friendly website as we recycle 90% of our own content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5brn/unlike_buzzfeed/
%
If Ant Man did beat Thanos by crawling up his butt

Would it be considered an inside job?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn5a08/if_ant_man_did_beat_thanos_by_crawling_up_his_butt/
%
What starts with "O" ends with "nions" and sometimes makes you cry?

Opinions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn54fv/what_starts_with_o_ends_with_nions_and_sometimes/
%
A young man is sitting in a bar looking sad.

Bartender: What’s the matter son?
Man: My marriage is over.
Bartender: What happened?
Man: Tracy, my high school sweetheart and I just got married last month.  We waited till the wedding night to consummate our love.  But it didn’t go so well.
Bartender:  That‘s pretty common, have you tried again.
Man: Yeah, we tried several times and finally gave up.  After a few weeks, my wife started to think that maybe she isn’t into men after all.  So I suggested we try a threesome and find out.  She was reluctant so I let her pick one or her friends.  She invited her friend who is also named Tracy.
Bartender: That makes it easy to avoid calling her the wrong name.  So, how did it go?
Man: Well, she’s definitely into men.
Bartender: That’s great news, so why the long face?
Man: Her friend Tracy is hung like a mule.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn53ot/a_young_man_is_sitting_in_a_bar_looking_sad/
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Don’t kill me for this it’s just a joke

(nsfw)
Why did Hitler kill himself
He got the gas bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn52o2/dont_kill_me_for_this_its_just_a_joke/
%
I used to think that alcohol would help me get through my problems

It didn't help me solve anything. it was really just a solven't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn4zkg/i_used_to_think_that_alcohol_would_help_me_get/
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Mr. Peterson walks into Cheers, and gets his usual greeting, which is everyone in the bar loudly shouting his first name.

It was funny the first few times, but after that, it became the norm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn4xnr/mr_peterson_walks_into_cheers_and_gets_his_usual/
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Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have to invite my Uncle Fritz and Aunt Greta."
Joanne looked at him aghast. "Your German relatives?!?! Every time we visit them, Fritz gets loaded on schnapps and causes a scene. It's so embarrassing!"
Jim nodded his head. "I know honey. I feel the same way, but my parents are paying for the wedding and they never get to see them. I can't say no. Also, it gets worse, they want them at the head table."
Joanne bit her lip, but knew she would have to acquiesce. "Fine, I'm grateful for everything your parents have done, so we can give them this."
The day of the wedding arrived and soon enough they found themselves sitting as a family at the head table.  Fritz, already swaying from pre-dinner drinks, had the serving staff forming a bucket line from the bar. Jim gritted his teeth and quietly asked his father to help manage any outbursts.
As soon as the time for speeches came, Jim's father stood up, clinked his glass to get everyone's attention, and raised his voice. "Attention everyone! If like to raise a today toast to Jim and Joanne. I remember when Jim a boy, he always said he would grow up to marry the most beautiful girl in the world and we never believed him, but he proved us wrong! Cheers to the happy couple!"
Everyone raised their glasses, but no sooner had the cheers subsided when Uncle Fritz lurched to his feet and shouted, "I remember when Jim was a little boy! He said he would marry the most pretty girl! And he married the pretty girl! Prost!"
There was some nervous laughter and everyone raised their glasses to humor him before turned to Joanne's understandably confused mother who had just stood to give her toast.
"Uh, thank you Fritz. Joanna and Jim make such a wonderful couple. I know they will have a long, happy life and give us plenty of grandchildren. So here's to them. Cheers!"
The guests hadn't even raises their glasses in response when Fritz jumped to his feet, pushed Joanne's mother out of the way, and raised his glass. "Jim and Joanne will live a happy life and make lots of babies! Prost!
Mortified, Jim signaled his father to handle the situation. His father rose, led Fritz back to his seat, and turned to his sister. "Greta! Please! Isn't there something you can do? He's not doing anything constructive and he's just repeating everyone else's toast!"
Greta just sighed and shook her head. "I know and I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do. He just discovered Reddit last week and now he re-Prosts everything! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn4u31/uncle_fritz/
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This morning I woke up with a terrible case of bed head.

She seemed much better at giving blowjobs the night before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn4tvs/this_morning_i_woke_up_with_a_terrible_case_of/
%
Went on a blind date today...

Turns out she was deaf.
I did not see that coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn4nh8/went_on_a_blind_date_today/
%
Sister wife

means something totally different in Alabama than it does in Utah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn4nfy/sister_wife/
%
I need help: every time I approach a cute girl on the street, I uncontrollably start to cry.

Does anyone know how to cope with pepper spray?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn4ig5/i_need_help_every_time_i_approach_a_cute_girl_on/
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Guys hate it when you refer to one of their kids as “The Hot One”.

My uncle does, at least.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn4bx9/guys_hate_it_when_you_refer_to_one_of_their_kids/
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The clitoris has more than 8500 nerve endings..

But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as you pussies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn484d/the_clitoris_has_more_than_8500_nerve_endings/
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My girlfriend says her body is a temple

Apparently that means anyone is free to come inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn46qd/my_girlfriend_says_her_body_is_a_temple/
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My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn45tv/my_girlfriend_told_me_women_are_better_at/
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Why is six afraid of seven?

Six just hasn't been the same since he returned from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Lucky’s. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness. Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn3zlo/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
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People get so heated up about if the milk comes first in tea or cereal

Personally i prefer to put the tea in first, then the milk, then the cereal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn3x2d/people_get_so_heated_up_about_if_the_milk_comes/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a well-known six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn3x1g/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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Chainsaw

A redneck had a field with 500 trees and decides to cut everything to make a golf course.
Then he decides to go to the city and buy a chainsaw. There's one with an ad that says, "cuts down 500 trees in one day."
He bought it, went home and said:
*- I'll start cutting all the trees first thing in the morning.*
The next day he starts cutting, but at the end of the day he only had cut down 20 trees.
*- No way! They said it would cut 500 and only 20 are done? Tomorrow at dawn I start cutting everything off!*
And there it was, but at the end of the day he only cut 50 and said:
*- No fucking way! Tomorrow will be from Sun to Sun. I'm gonna cut everything.*
And so it was, only that:
*- Fuck it, I only cut down 100 trees today, I'm gonna complain to those damn city guys.*
Arriving in the store:
*- Hey, you said the machine could cut down 500 trees in one day and the maximum was 100, how can that be? You've tricked me!*
The owner of the establishment says:
*- Relax, let's see what's wrong.*
He turns on the machine and the redneck says:
*- Wooww, wooww, woow fellow! What's that noise?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn3qi3/chainsaw/
%
A man walks into a pub and sits on a stool at the bar.

The bartender asks him, "Would you like a drink?"
The man says, "Thank you, I'll have a scotch and soda."
The bartender serves the man his drink and says, "That'll be four-fifty."
The man looked surprised.  "Four-fifty what?"
"Four dollars and fifty cents.  That's the price of the drink."
The man said indignantly, "But you offered me a drink.  I shouldn't have to pay."
The bartender was getting perturbed and said, "Look, this is a bar.  It's assumed that you pay for your drinks here."
Someone from the other end of the bar interjected, "Hey, I'm a lawyer, and the guy is right:  you *did* offer him a drink."
Now the bartender was angry and he said to the first man, "Okay, you got me this time.  Now, finish your drink, get the hell out of here, and never set foot in my bar again."
The man did as he was told, and left, but came back 20 minutes later.
The bartender, seeing the man come in, said, "I thought I told you never to come in here again."
The man said, "What do you mean?  I've never been here before!"
The bartender said, "Didn't I throw your ass out here not 20 minutes ago?"
The man replied, "No, it couldn't have been me.  Like I said, I've never been here before.  I don't live in this city; in fact, I just flew in here half an hour ago, and I stopped in this bar before I went to my hotel."
The bartender says, "Really?  I find that hard to believe."
The man said, "Here, you can even look at my plane tickets."
The bartender says, "That's incredible.  You must have a double!"
The man said, "Thank you.  I'll have a double scotch and soda."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn3k9b/a_man_walks_into_a_pub_and_sits_on_a_stool_at_the/
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What’s a prisoners favorite punctuation mark?

A period, it marks the end of a sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn3k8f/whats_a_prisoners_favorite_punctuation_mark/
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Having sex while camping isn't just exciting...

It's fucking in tents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn3hy6/having_sex_while_camping_isnt_just_exciting/
%
The wife threw her back out. I hate doing this, but I’d appreciate any prayers you could send our way

Because there are Clothes in the Dryer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn3hp9/the_wife_threw_her_back_out_i_hate_doing_this_but/
%
How did the pastor cope with cheating on his wife?

With thots and prayers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn3gd0/how_did_the_pastor_cope_with_cheating_on_his_wife/
%
I don't always tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn3dtd/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
There was once a man with only one testicle...

He had suffered from monorchism since birth, and throughout his childhood he was bullied because of it.
He had been called all sorts of names - but none stuck with him as much as 'One-Stone'. He couldn't leave the house without someone shouting it at him.
Eventually, One-Stone became so fed up with being bullied, he declared to all that should anyone call him 'One-Stone', he would kill them.
It worked. No one dared to call him 'One-Stone' for years after that.
Until about 5 years later, when a girl accidentally forgot, and shouted "One-Stone!" across the street.
True to his word, One-Stone seduced her, made love to her all day and all night, until she died of exhaustion.
It was about two years after that when another girl made the same grave mistake.
In similar style to the first, One-Stone made love to her all day and all night... but this time, she wouldn't die. So he continued. She still was absolutely fine, days of love-making later. One-Stone couldn't believe it. In the end, he had to give up.
So, what's the moral of this story?
You can't kill two birds with One-Stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn3acb/there_was_once_a_man_with_only_one_testicle/
%
My wife has a new thing. She likes me to blow on her face while we make love...

I'm not a fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn37b1/my_wife_has_a_new_thing_she_likes_me_to_blow_on/
%
Smart neighbour

Chris is sitting on his front porch sees his neighbour walking down the street with 22 rolls of duct tape, so he asks him, "What you doing with all that duct tape?" And his neighbour replies, "I'm going to catch me some ducks". Confused, Chris tells him, "that's not how duct tape works, but okay" and later that day his neighbour is seen with several ducks, and Chris is even more confused.
The next day Chris sees his neighbour with 22 bottles of gorilla glue, curious again he asks again, why. And the neighbour says hes going to catch him some gorillas. Chris has a chuckle and says, "Yeah bud, good luck with that one". And later that day Chris sees his neighbour with 2 gorillas on leashes and is just perplexed as to how this is even remotely possible.
The next day, he sees his neighbour with a bunch of pussie willows and jumps out of his chair and yells, "WAIT, LET ME GET MY COAT"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn2tsr/smart_neighbour/
%
Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids?

You gotta be alive to have autism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn2sck/why_is_autism_less_frequently_diagnosed_in_non/
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How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn2rlw/how_many_dead_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_wall/
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Mom, what's dark humor?

Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap.
Son: But, Mom! I'm blind!
Mom: Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn2p2g/mom_whats_dark_humor/
%
What's Captain Marvel's favorite cheese

Brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn2lgh/whats_captain_marvels_favorite_cheese/
%
How to become an honorary Alaskan Joke.

One day, a man was in a bar in Alaska, bragging about how much land he owned, how many businesses he manages, and how much he traveled. The bartender got annoyed and decided to shut the man up. "Want to become an honorary Alaskan?" he asked. "Sure," said the braggart, "what do I have to do?" "3 things," replies the bartender. "1. Drink a full bottle of whisky, 2. make love to a local woman, 3. Kill a polar bear... any order you want." The braggart slapped his hand on the bar. "Sounds good, lets start! Bring me the Whisky!" The bartender gives him the whisky and the braggart drinks it as fast as he can, and then passes out. A few hours later, he wakes up, still drunk, and stumbles out of the bar. "I'll be right back," he mumbles as he stumbles out the door. A few more hours later, he stumbles back into the bar. He is covered from head to toe in blood, his clothes are shredded, he's missing an arm, his left leg is broken, and part of his scalp has been ripped off. He sits at the bar and the bartender looks shocked. "Oh my God! Are you ok? Do you need an ambulance?" The braggart waves him away. "It's ok," he slurrs, "Where's the local woman you wanted me to kill?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn2lf2/how_to_become_an_honorary_alaskan_joke/
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Why did the rich man try to pick up girls in the anorexia ward?

He wanted atrophy wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn2k4i/why_did_the_rich_man_try_to_pick_up_girls_in_the/
%
Best part of dating a homeless girl?

Afterwards, you can drop her off anywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn2gms/best_part_of_dating_a_homeless_girl/
%
How many Priests does It take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.... one to screw it in, the other to inappropriately molest a underaged child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn2cjh/how_many_priests_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family

The problem is that nobody runs in your family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn2adi/the_problem_isnt_that_obesity_runs_in_your_family/
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If a women sleeps with 10 guys she is called a slut, but if a man does so he is called

Gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn2638/if_a_women_sleeps_with_10_guys_she_is_called_a/
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Why do circuses rarely have human cannonballs anymore?

It's hard to find men of that caliber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn25t5/why_do_circuses_rarely_have_human_cannonballs/
%
How do you make a dead baby float?

* 1 scoop Dead Baby
* 2 scoops Ice Cream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn25mr/how_do_you_make_a_dead_baby_float/
%
I just won a million bucks!

Just wish I had the money to make a place for them to live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn23t5/i_just_won_a_million_bucks/
%
This guy in my chem lab was so polite today . . .

When I interrupted him to borrow his scale, he said that if it happens again, he will tare me a new one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn22va/this_guy_in_my_chem_lab_was_so_polite_today/
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Asked the librarian for a book on suicide and she said she couldn’t help me.....

....because i wouldn’t return the book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn1x1q/asked_the_librarian_for_a_book_on_suicide_and_she/
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[Possibly NSFW] Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain...

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
Arlene: 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn1vz2/possibly_nsfw_jane_and_arlene_are_outside_their/
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My friend asked me if there is a quick way to loose 50lbs

I said sure but it will cost an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn1pww/my_friend_asked_me_if_there_is_a_quick_way_to/
%
What’s a mans favorite number?

8,008,135

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn1nxh/whats_a_mans_favorite_number/
%
You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you
Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the reminders. Really wanted to post this at the start of the day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn1il7/you_shouldnt_see_any_horror_movie_today/
%
My dog was licking his balls.

My friend said: "Man, i wish i could do that".
Me: "Told him, you'd better pet him first, he's kinda mean"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn1gvy/my_dog_was_licking_his_balls/
%
What are the odds of being Mexican?

Juan in a million

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn1f80/what_are_the_odds_of_being_mexican/
%
A cake walked into a bar...

It was gonna try to find it's owner because it was celebrating his 50th birthday.
But when the people saw the cake they were very puzzled. What is this thing? (Seeing very well that it had legs and arms)
The cake replied, "I am a cake looking for someone named- ooh I don't remember but he just turned 50, is 5'11 and has grey hair."
The people gasped, "it's a talking, walking cake!?!"
At this point, all the people in the bar stopped what they were doing and started asking questions. "Are you edible? What else can you do? Where do you come from?!"
The cake, feeling overwhelmed, and said "yes, don't know, across the street".
This just brought up more questions as they found out that it has feelings.
"What emotions do you have? If you cry, are your tears frosting? What's your thoughts on pie?".
The cake, is now just flat out annoyed, said, "basically all of them, yes, you mean my twin?".
As soon as he said that, a flood of questions came in for the cake.
At this time, the cake had enough. It just wanted to be with it's new owner. So it sprinted as fast as it could leaving the people in shock. They were thinking of chasing it but they didn't know what to do with it once they caught it. Besides, something that strange is probably best left alone and that the coke they snorted earlier probably wasn't their smartest idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn18d9/a_cake_walked_into_a_bar/
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Welcome to the first ever LGBT Award Ceremony!

Let's start off by getting one thing straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn130q/welcome_to_the_first_ever_lgbt_award_ceremony/
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What do you call Luke Skywalker's futuristic frying pan?

An e-wok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn0tz5/what_do_you_call_luke_skywalkers_futuristic/
%
I keep having this recurring dream about a horse wearing a suit of armor.

Actually, it may be more of a knight mare.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn0ssx/i_keep_having_this_recurring_dream_about_a_horse/
%
In soviet gulag, 2 men are talking

One of them asks, "what did they arrest you for, a common crime, or political crime?" The second man answers "Of course it's political. Im a plumber. They summoned me to the district party to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said 'Hey, this whole system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me 10 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn0qsh/in_soviet_gulag_2_men_are_talking/
%
What kind of horse does an onion ride?

A Scallion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn0q40/what_kind_of_horse_does_an_onion_ride/
%
If you sit on the toilet at 11:59

and the clock strikes midnight, It is the same shit, different day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn0pc5/if_you_sit_on_the_toilet_at_1159/
%
I made plans for a threesome last night...

There were a couple of no shows but I still had a great time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn0nzt/i_made_plans_for_a_threesome_last_night/
%
I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn0np1/i_have_two_moms_one_of_them_rides_a_bike_to_work/
%
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’

Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’
I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn0nag/went_to_the_doctors_the_other_day_and_said_im/
%
Knock knock

Who’s there?
Call me.
Call me who?
Who.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn0m8t/knock_knock/
%
Two mice were eating film rolls in an abandoned cinema. "Do you like it?" asks one of them.

"It's good, but the book was better", replies the other one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn0lel/two_mice_were_eating_film_rolls_in_an_abandoned/
%
Finally Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber team up for a song and even the title is perfect...

“I don’t care”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn0ha2/finally_ed_sheeran_and_justin_bieber_team_up_for/
%
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?

All that was left was de brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn0f4k/what_happened_after_an_explosion_at_a_french/
%
A young law student walks into a bar.

And fails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn0bpm/a_young_law_student_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My rabbi has a pH of 1

He’s an acidic Jew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn07d1/my_rabbi_has_a_ph_of_1/
%
Telling my dad to embrace his mistakes

I told my that he should embrace his mistakes,  then he cried. He immidiately hugged me and my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn07c7/telling_my_dad_to_embrace_his_mistakes/
%
As a golfer, it's always smart to wear two pairs of trousers.

You know, in case you get a hole in one⛳

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bn048w/as_a_golfer_its_always_smart_to_wear_two_pairs_of/
%
I always schedule my appointments at 9:11..

.. so I never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmzwng/i_always_schedule_my_appointments_at_911/
%
My Sister Said She's Into Incest

Which was a weird thing to say during sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmzwnb/my_sister_said_shes_into_incest/
%
I was gonna make a joke about starvation

But I guess I'll keep Stalin until I find a better one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmzu26/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_about_starvation/
%
I yelled “COW!” At a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger

Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow. I tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmzqf5/i_yelled_cow_at_a_woman_on_a_bike_and_she_gave_me/
%
So i went skydiving for the first time.

This guy attached himself to me and we jumped out of plane together. And as we fall he asks: So how long have you been an instructor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmzp6t/so_i_went_skydiving_for_the_first_time/
%
My teacher called me average the other day

That was just mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmzm6j/my_teacher_called_me_average_the_other_day/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky-coke.

Barman : "Sorry Sir, we have only Pepsi".
The man : "I don't mind".
And the barman serves him a glass with half Pepsi, half Coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmzj5f/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_whiskycoke/
%
A woman lost custody of her child today after injecting her 9-year old with Botox to win a beauty pageant

Needless to say, the child didn't look surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmz7gn/a_woman_lost_custody_of_her_child_today_after/
%
What do you Call a Reptilian politician?

A *Civil Serpent!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmz08u/what_do_you_call_a_reptilian_politician/
%
I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmz021/i_went_to_the_bar_last_night_and_saw_a_big_woman/
%
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmyzd8/i_got_caught_taking_a_pee_in_the_swimming_pool/
%
I had a couple bad dreams last night about a Korean Boy Band

I think I might have BTSD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmyybw/i_had_a_couple_bad_dreams_last_night_about_a/
%
What's the difference between a blind sniper and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmyw9m/whats_the_difference_between_a_blind_sniper_and_a/
%
Why does the Pope hate trigonometry?

Cos it has a lot of sin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmyv15/why_does_the_pope_hate_trigonometry/
%
What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?

"Stop resisting a rest!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmyupa/what_did_the_police_officer_say_to_the_criminal/
%
My marriage is a lot like my whiskey

On the rocks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmytbd/my_marriage_is_a_lot_like_my_whiskey/
%
What is the last thing a suicide bomber instructor says to his students?

Pay close attention. I can show you this only once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmyt7y/what_is_the_last_thing_a_suicide_bomber/
%
One day, Mike went to get a tattoo.

The owner was outside and new guy at the parlour was Chinese.
Since he had always wanted to get a Chinese tattoo, Mike asked the new guy to do one for him on his arm.
To break the ice, the new guy said, "I'll tell you a joke".
They conversed a lot and got the tattoo done.
Before Mike left the parlour, he said "You didn't tell me about that joke".
Pointing to the new tattoo, the new guy said, "The joke's on you"
..Just like everyone else who was expecting a good joke..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmypqw/one_day_mike_went_to_get_a_tattoo/
%
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts,"

But, “you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
Credit Steven Wright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmyilp/why_is_it_a_penny_for_your_thoughts/
%
Just remember that you can do whatever you want and be who you want to be. No one can stop you from fulfilling your dreams.

Unless you live in Russia. Then you can only do what Putin lets you do.
Edit2: Holy crap there are more! They're starting to get out of the vans. I think they're armed!
Edit3: They're coming in! I don't know what to do! Please heljsisjxudbehsjsbdhd
Edit4: I'm fine. Goodbye forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmyhpn/just_remember_that_you_can_do_whatever_you_want/
%
10-years old girl asks her mum: "Mummy, how was i born?"

The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmygt3/10years_old_girl_asks_her_mum_mummy_how_was_i_born/
%
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming, don't stop the car!.. We won't make it!.. We won't!.. Can't!" "Driver, hurry!" I yelled..

"Her contractions are getting closer together!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmygdq/as_the_taxi_raced_towards_the_hospital_my_wife/
%
I went into the hairdressers and people were getting their heads cut off with giant pruning scissors

It was shear barberism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmydkb/i_went_into_the_hairdressers_and_people_were/
%
I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike...

She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.
-Edit: Thank you kind stranger. My first gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmya51/i_yelled_cow_at_a_woman_on_a_bike/
%
Tina Turner was asked to invest in a rom-com reboot of Stephen King's clown movie

She asked, "what's love got to do with *It*?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmy80d/tina_turner_was_asked_to_invest_in_a_romcom/
%
How did the priest get a negative balance in his checking account?

Clerical error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmy7nt/how_did_the_priest_get_a_negative_balance_in_his/
%
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmy6kh/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
What is the most masculine job you can have?

Being a male man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmy5qr/what_is_the_most_masculine_job_you_can_have/
%
Why doesn't Trump wear glasses?

He already has 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmy2sa/why_doesnt_trump_wear_glasses/
%
Phones with 10x zoom are amazing

I would finally be able to send dick pics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxz18/phones_with_10x_zoom_are_amazing/
%
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxyw5/what_is_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
%
If I make a meme in German

Is it a danke meme?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxyrq/if_i_make_a_meme_in_german/
%
A group of North Korean soldiers sneaked out one night to a bar.

Everybody got shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxwa3/a_group_of_north_korean_soldiers_sneaked_out_one/
%
The bartender says no faster than light particles are allowed in this establishment.

A tachyon walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxv7g/the_bartender_says_no_faster_than_light_particles/
%
What's common between anti-vaxx kids and this joke?

Both are going to die in new.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxuh6/whats_common_between_antivaxx_kids_and_this_joke/
%
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?"

I said: "No it doesn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxuf0/my_friend_says_to_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
Trump tells his agents to deport a million Mexicans and a chicken

When they ask him about the chicken, he replies: 'See? I told you nobody would care about the Mexicans'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxqqk/trump_tells_his_agents_to_deport_a_million/
%
A couple in Soviet Russia

were standing in St Petersburg one day and couldn't agree on whether it was raining or snowing.
In exasperation, the man turns to a nearby red shirt named Rudolph and asked him, to which he replied that it was raining.
The man then turns to the woman and say's
" See I told you, Rudolph the red knows rain dear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxpa0/a_couple_in_soviet_russia/
%
Today at the bank

**An old lady asked me to check her balance. So i pushed her over.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxomi/today_at_the_bank/
%
Music can take you places.

For example, Nickelback started playing, so now I'm going to a different cafe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxo1v/music_can_take_you_places/
%
It only takes 3 letters to spell Canada

C, eh, N, eh, D, eh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxo1l/it_only_takes_3_letters_to_spell_canada/
%
Karen walks into a heavy metal bar...

"Ow" Karen exclaimed,"that hurt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxllx/karen_walks_into_a_heavy_metal_bar/
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxil0/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_were_all_lost/
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I'm not using my faulty bathroom scales again.

I’ve seen the error of my weighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxhz3/im_not_using_my_faulty_bathroom_scales_again/
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A chicken walks into a library

A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head. Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it. The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "reddit, reddit, reddit”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxgwr/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
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What do you call an elf that has lost their leg?

Legoless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxfzq/what_do_you_call_an_elf_that_has_lost_their_leg/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:  "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"  The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.  But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxdb5/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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A penguin is driving his car

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmxb6e/a_penguin_is_driving_his_car/
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What do you call a magic owl?

Hoo-dini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmx9rx/what_do_you_call_a_magic_owl/
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A man is driving down the road

and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
"If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says," I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth".
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound".
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door". The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door".
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmx9fx/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
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What a short dildo is called?

Dildo Banggins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmx8zw/what_a_short_dildo_is_called/
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How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmx88u/how_are_women_like_swimming_pools/
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What does a Terrorist Photographer do?

Photobomb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmx5au/what_does_a_terrorist_photographer_do/
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A person who speaks 3 languages is called a trilingual, a person who speaks 2 languages is called a bilingual, but what is a person called when they speak only one language?

An American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmx3m8/a_person_who_speaks_3_languages_is_called_a/
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A cannibal and his son go hunting...

and spot a lady. The father aims for quite too long so the son says: "Shoot her already, dad!" The father slowly releases the string and says: "No, we'll take her home alive and eat your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmx1uv/a_cannibal_and_his_son_go_hunting/
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Interviewer: "Do you like rock 'n' roll"

Sisyphus: "Not even a bit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmx1fx/interviewer_do_you_like_rock_n_roll/
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Scientists found out..

but then went inside again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmx0qj/scientists_found_out/
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Men can't move their penis without closing their butt...

And that is how you make any man clench their ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmwz8f/men_cant_move_their_penis_without_closing_their/
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What do you call a fat pinocchio?

A narwhal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmwuqs/what_do_you_call_a_fat_pinocchio/
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Why can't you breed a bird of prey with an eel?

Because it's eeleagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmwrdg/why_cant_you_breed_a_bird_of_prey_with_an_eel/
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Stupid Autocorrect...

Always making me write things I didn't Nintendo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmwolu/stupid_autocorrect/
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What music didn't the Beatles invent?

Hip Hop,  the weren't grasshoppers after all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmwla9/what_music_didnt_the_beatles_invent/
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What’s the difference between a chemist and an alchemist?

Aluminum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmwkd7/whats_the_difference_between_a_chemist_and_an/
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An Italian walks into a bar

...and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Italian explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Italian smiles, taps his watch and says, " Damn thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmwhu7/an_italian_walks_into_a_bar/
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I was so depressed that I decided to kill myself by taking a thousand Prozac tablets.

But after taking the first two I felt so much happier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmwg1q/i_was_so_depressed_that_i_decided_to_kill_myself/
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I met this really nice girl that seemed to like me a lot, but I just couldn´t get sexually atracted to her.

I told her: "No hard feelings".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmwfd3/i_met_this_really_nice_girl_that_seemed_to_like/
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A piece of bread walks into a bar.

A piece of bread walks in to a bar, he asks for a sandwich, the bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmweki/a_piece_of_bread_walks_into_a_bar/
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When I got home yesterday I saw my girlfriend had thrown all my stuff onto the front lawn.

I asked her what she doing and she said "I saw your browser history! Get out of my life you paedophile!"
I thought this was absolutely crazy!
When the fuck did they start teaching words like "paedophile" to eight year-olds?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmwehq/when_i_got_home_yesterday_i_saw_my_girlfriend_had/
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[nsfw] [controversial] Describe your sex life only using SpongeBob Quotes

"Are you ready kids"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmwecw/nsfw_controversial_describe_your_sex_life_only/
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I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmwdfb/i_got_thousands_of_letters_delivered_to_my_house/
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When my friend asked me why I have a “Trump 2020” sticker on my car, I tell them it’s for financial reasons.

The cops never pull me over, because they assume that I’m white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmwcd6/when_my_friend_asked_me_why_i_have_a_trump_2020/
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A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar

The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmw3ae/a_north_korean_soldier_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two fish are in a tank

One looks at the other and says "how the hell do we drive this thing!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmw2qb/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign Language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmw266/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
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Can getting struck by lightning help you lose weight?

The answer may shock you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmw0b5/can_getting_struck_by_lightning_help_you_lose/
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Why does Oedipus hate cursing?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmvxpv/why_does_oedipus_hate_cursing/
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A man working at the Federal Reserve

was hired to manufacture pennies.  On his first day, the supervisor walked him around the manufacturing area.
“This first machine melts down large blocks of metal. The liquid metal is then poured into a mold that makes a smaller block. That smaller block is then taken off the conveyer belt by this control arm and placed on another conveyer belt. The conveyer belt rolls the smaller block into a machine that cuts the block into evenly-sized cubes. Those cubes are individually melted down again and poured into a mold with 25 slots that shape the tails side of the penny. Each penny is then stamped on the other side with the heads side, which completes the penny. All of the pennies are cooled, rolled, and stored for shipping. If you have no more questions, then come back tomorrow for your first day of work.”
The next morning, the supervisor walks in to see a totally new machine melting metal and stamping pennies. Completely stunned, the supervisor runs up to the man who had just been hired yesterday as he was operating the new machine.
Supervisor: “What’s going on? Where did the old machines go?”
Man: “I borrowed a fork lift and pulled all of the old equipment to the garbage area. Then I brought the new equipment in and assembled it.”
Supervisor: “How does this new machine even work?”
Man: “First, the metal is all dropped into this furnace. The furnace is connected to a hopper that pours the liquid metal directly into these racks of molding trays. Each tray has exactly 50 slots that shape the tails side of the penny. Lastly, each penny is stamped with the heads design and moved into the cooling and rolling process.”
Supervisor: “Well this is amazing. The new machine does seem to move faster than the old machine. Last question, why did you replace the old molding trays? The two trays appear identical, although the new trays have twice as many slots. Couldn’t we have just used the old trays?
Man: “Sure we could have, but the new tray makes more cents.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmvsba/a_man_working_at_the_federal_reserve/
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Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Brazil...

...if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called the teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmvhxi/did_you_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in_brazil/
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If you think about it, Forgive me father for I have sinned

is basically just the catholic version of "I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmvd6w/if_you_think_about_it_forgive_me_father_for_i/
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What's the difference between a double barrel shotgun and a single barrel shotgun?

The double barrel gives you more buck for your bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmv30z/whats_the_difference_between_a_double_barrel/
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A man builds a church with a bell tower.

The bell tower has a hole on the top floor where the man would ring the bell that was forgotten to be patched up.After the construction, he hired a person to ring the bell to inform people when the mass is about to start.
A guy comes in and sees the long line of people who want the job. He joins the line and was the last person.
Finally, the interviewer (who also owns the church) meets the guy and says to him: “Look, the sun’s already setting and I haven’t seen anyone who could do a great bell sound, and, with all due respect, I don’t think you could do either.”
The man responds: “Oh please let me try! I’ve been waiting all day!”
The interviewer reluctantly agrees. He climbs the stairs to the bell one last time and the man starts ringing the bell.
The bell was rang is such a beautiful manner that a crowd formed outside the church to listen.
The interviewer, amazed by both the crowd and the bell ringing hired the man.
And so every Sunday the man rang the bell for the morning mass, until one day, the man slips and falls down the unpatched hole on the ceiling and dies. People gather around the man with looks of agony and sadness. After this, the people that gathered to the church decreased significantly.
The owner who noticed the decrease in numbers became desperate.
The owner again started interviewing people one day, and finally this young man comes along with no arms. He was the last on the line.
“Look, i’m tired of walking up and down stairs, and I don’t even know how you can ring the bell without hands”
“Sir, I use my face. I can assure you I can make as beautiful a sound as the last bell ringer.”
The owner looked at the man’s face and noticed something odd. His face seemed quite familiar, although he didn’t know where he saw him before.
The owner escorted the man with no arms to the bell tower.
“Go ahead.” Then the man with no arms replicated the original bell ringer’s tune perfectly using his face. A bigger crowd formed to listen to this tune.
“Blimey! You’ve done it! I can’t believe it!”
“Oh don’t mention it. I practiced ringing bells with my face since I was a ki-“
The armless man slips and falls into the same unpatched hole. The owner rushes down the stairs and looks at the bleeding body. Another crowd forms around the body. The owner looks at his face and still reckons he’d seen him before.
A man from the crowd shouts: “ Who was this great man”
The owner says: “I don’t know, but his face rings a bell”
Bonus joke:
Suddenly, the dead armless body awakens and travels to the nearest telephone, crowd and owner absolutely shocked.
The dead man dials his brother, and when his brother answers, he says “I’m sorry brother.” After which he flops to the floor and remains still. The brother shouted from the telephone: “ Hello? Brother are you there?”
The owner approaches the phone and says:” I’m sorry, but your brother’s a dead ringer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmuyzs/a_man_builds_a_church_with_a_bell_tower/
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Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah! So sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmuyra/chicken_surprise/
%
When it comes to sex it's all about quality over quantity.

Which is why I never watch the stuff that isn't HD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmuua7/when_it_comes_to_sex_its_all_about_quality_over/
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What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmuodp/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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My 8th birthday party was just like my sex life

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmun2h/my_8th_birthday_party_was_just_like_my_sex_life/
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What’s it called when you give a African a hand job?

Jack black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmul75/whats_it_called_when_you_give_a_african_a_hand_job/
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"So, how was your holiday in Africa?"

"Don't remind me," says the other, "I very nearly got myself killed!"
"Go on, what happened?" he asks.
"Well, I was hiking in the savannah when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as it was about to pounce for the kill it suddenly slipped and broke its leg."
"U r really a Brave guy... I would shit in my pants!"
he replies. ...
"What do you think the lion slipped on?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmujd8/so_how_was_your_holiday_in_africa/
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmuhn4/jane_and_arlene_are_outside_their_nursing_home/
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What do you call a group of Egyptian Stoners?

The Nile High Club

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmufqy/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_egyptian_stoners/
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I live in a place where it feels like misery

It's Missouri

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmufmv/i_live_in_a_place_where_it_feels_like_misery/
%
Every morning I wake up to find my bed slightly more broken.

Turns out I'm a heavy sleeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmudqs/every_morning_i_wake_up_to_find_my_bed_slightly/
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What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmuddq/what_starts_with_e_ends_with_e_and_only_has_one/
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I don't know why the barista got so angry when I knocked over her container of cash and coins...

The sign said "tip jar"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmud3y/i_dont_know_why_the_barista_got_so_angry_when_i/
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What do you call a blonde that has dyed her hair?

Artificial intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmua8s/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_that_has_dyed_her_hair/
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I went to return a sweater that i bought because it was full of static.

I got a new one, free of charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmua7z/i_went_to_return_a_sweater_that_i_bought_because/
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About 6 months ago I got a promotion

So naturally I wanted to celebrate. On my way home I grabbed a handle of captain and a litre of cola. I invited my friend Frank to have a few drinks with me. We ordered a pizza, played some Mariokart, got drunk and passed out. Nothing crazy.
The next morning Frank was still there (he usually just hung around anyways), but I noticed he looked a little pale. We had been drinking a lot so I thought nothing of it. When I got home from work later that day, I was shocked at what I saw. Frank hadn't moved at all, and he looked worse. All the color had drained from his usually pinkish cheeks and his body was droopy and lifeless. I panicked!
I didn't know what to do, I tried splashing water on his face but that didn't work. I tried sitting him up but he kept falling back down. I had to come to terms eventually, I had suspected it since I walked through the door. Frank was dead, and it was all my fault.
What if no one believed when I told them what had happened? What if they think I did this to Frank? I just got the dream job I've been working for and this mess could screw it all up. I had to get rid of the body. I waited until my neighbors lights went out for the night, then I grabbed my shovel.
Hurriedly I dug a shallow grave next to my shed in the back yard. Eyes full of tears I dragged Frank's lifeless body through the house until we made his last stop in the hole I had sloppily dug. I rushed to cover his body, hiding the only evidence that he had ever been here. Then it began to rain.
I thought it only fitting that the weather would match the somber occasion. I finished my gruesome task while the rain drops hid my tears. A month had passed and I had gotten away with it, no one came asking, didn't seem like anyone even noticed. Then I saw it, a small, bright pink flower growing next to my shed. Right. Above. Frank's. Body.
I couldn't believe it, my mind raced, what do I do? Once again I grabbed my shovel and began digging, I was bewildered at what I saw. Frank was still alive! I dug him out of the makeshift grave, cleaned him off and repotted him immediately in the finest compost I had available. He is still hanging out at my house today, and I still have my job as Botanist Supreme.
Moral of the story being, don't pour captain and coke all over your hanging fuchsia plant. Even if it's your only friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmu8sc/about_6_months_ago_i_got_a_promotion/
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How does a gay ship float?

Flambuoyancy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmu78j/how_does_a_gay_ship_float/
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I was eating at a Chinese restaurant but their lights were too bright...

thankfully they agreed to dim sum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmu5ku/i_was_eating_at_a_chinese_restaurant_but_their/
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I ordered giant duck at a fancy restaurant last night

The bill was huge!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmu3nv/i_ordered_giant_duck_at_a_fancy_restaurant_last/
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I dont know why people confuse between Dwarves and Midgets.

They have very little in common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmu2gn/i_dont_know_why_people_confuse_between_dwarves/
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What is a communist’s favourite car?

An Our-di

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmtyu6/what_is_a_communists_favourite_car/
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Guy walks into a bar and sees Hitler

So a guy walks into a bar, and sitting at the bar across from the bartender is Hitler himself. The guy walks up to him and says "Hitler, you're alive? I thought you died a long time ago?"
"Aah, that's just a conspiracy. I've been in hiding, and now I have a new plan. I'm going to kill 6 million Jews and a giraffe" Hitler proclaims proudly.
"Why do you need to kill a giraffe?" Asks the man, puzzled.
Hitler looks at the bartender with a smirk and says "See, no one cares about the Jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmty2o/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_hitler/
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Why did the poet sneeze?

Because he had analogy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmtqxd/why_did_the_poet_sneeze/
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In a restaurant

Customer: Waiter, excuse me! What's wrong with this fish?
Waiter: Oh, long time no sea, sir!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmtqu1/in_a_restaurant/
%
A man walks up to a woman in the office and tells her that her hair smells nice

The woman immediately goes to see the HR manager, explains what happened, and says that she wants to file a sexual harassment complaint.
The HR manager is puzzled and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmtosp/a_man_walks_up_to_a_woman_in_the_office_and_tells/
%
What’s a colorblind person’s favorite state?

ado.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmtly5/whats_a_colorblind_persons_favorite_state/
%
I found some dildos I didn't order in my postbox.

It was junk mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmtlry/i_found_some_dildos_i_didnt_order_in_my_postbox/
%
What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmtlav/what_happens_when_you_eat_aluminum_foil/
%
Someone broke into my house and stole my Dusty Springfield collection.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmtjhc/someone_broke_into_my_house_and_stole_my_dusty/
%
So me and my wife have just had a baby and all we've done is argue about what to call it.

She wants it to be named after her mother, but I just don't feel comfortable having a child called Cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmthre/so_me_and_my_wife_have_just_had_a_baby_and_all/
%
My solar business was forced to shut down

Turns out the entire operation was shady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmtbu1/my_solar_business_was_forced_to_shut_down/
%
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant...

but then I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmtbjt/i_wasnt_originally_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
%
A little girl earns a paycheck...

Edit, it cut off the start for some reason.
A young family moved into a house next to a lot with a house being built.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmt9bh/a_little_girl_earns_a_paycheck/
%
Why are murders so hard to solve in Alabama?

There are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmt5da/why_are_murders_so_hard_to_solve_in_alabama/
%
Don’t be offended

Dark jokes are like clean water, not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmszn6/dont_be_offended/
%
What kind of clothing uses a wheel?

Atire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmsul5/what_kind_of_clothing_uses_a_wheel/
%
I drove by a truck carrying canned orange juice and almost got into an accident.

I should have concentrated on the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmsq93/i_drove_by_a_truck_carrying_canned_orange_juice/
%
Dad given advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just"

"reach back, grab a handful of shit and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."
Son  "Where do you get the shit from?"
"Trust me, it'll be there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmsnk6/dad_given_advice_to_his_son_if_youre_hiking_and_a/
%
6.9

it’s a good thing screwed up by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmsmro/69/
%
How much do empty batteries cost?

Nothing, they are free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmsl0v/how_much_do_empty_batteries_cost/
%
Hospitals are weird

On one floor, a woman is bringing new life into the world, as her husband looks on.
On the next, a man is saying his heartfelt last goodbyes.
Finally, on the floor above that, a frat boy is having a television remote removed from his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmsk0s/hospitals_are_weird/
%
I get so angry with all the spelling errors on Reddit

I feel like people are defiantly doing it on purpose just to mess with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmsjcl/i_get_so_angry_with_all_the_spelling_errors_on/
%
So my BF told me to stop impersonating a flamingo

I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmsi5r/so_my_bf_told_me_to_stop_impersonating_a_flamingo/
%
Sometimes a denominator and numerator are very close in value.

But there's a fine line between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmsht0/sometimes_a_denominator_and_numerator_are_very/
%
Polar bear joke

Father and Son polar bear are of out on their first hunting mission together. Dad is real proud. They head out over the ice to catch their prey.
After 15 minutes the son pipes up and asks "Dad - am I really a polar bear?"
Dad chuckles and replies "Course you are son"
After 10 minutes he pipes up again "Dad - am I really a polar bear?"
Dad says "Of course you are you silly sod - don't be so daft"
After another 5 minutes baby polar bear as adamant as ever starts going on "Oi! Are you really really really sure I am a polar bear"
Dad responds "What a bloody stupid question - why on earth must you keep asking it?"
Kid goes "Well if I am really a polar bear, how come I am so fucking cold?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmshc6/polar_bear_joke/
%
Guess what?

Chicken butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmsana/guess_what/
%
I finally came out of the closet today

It took me forever to find the doorknob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bms925/i_finally_came_out_of_the_closet_today/
%
What’s the difference between me and an egg?

An egg gets laid.
T-T

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bms8u3/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_an_egg/
%
So, my girlfriend, asked me to take her out.

And now I all of a sudden have to face an ' attempted murder ' charge due to that pretentious bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bms8lj/so_my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_take_her_out/
%
What does the L stand for in Samuel L. Jackson?

Lmotherfucker. The L is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bms3k8/what_does_the_l_stand_for_in_samuel_l_jackson/
%
What do you call a Mexican child molester?

A Pedrophile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmrz37/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_child_molester/
%
What kind of pasta grants wishes?

Fettugenie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmry88/what_kind_of_pasta_grants_wishes/
%
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope

I forgot where I saw this, I remembered it just now and laughed aloud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmrx8t/dads_are_like_boomerangs_i_hope/
%
What music do siamese cats listen to?

Fur Elise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmrwi0/what_music_do_siamese_cats_listen_to/
%
Man comes running home to his wife

He says "Wife! Wife! I've won the lottery - pack your things!"
Wife says "Oh my god! What should I pack? Summer or Winter clothes?"
Guy says "Don't care - just FUCK OFF!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmrvf1/man_comes_running_home_to_his_wife/
%
What do you call a religious women who throws things?

A nunchuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmrqra/what_do_you_call_a_religious_women_who_throws/
%
I saw a bumper sticker today that said “War is NEVER the answer.”

And I thought, unless someone asked me to name the band that sings the song “Low Rider.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmrptt/i_saw_a_bumper_sticker_today_that_said_war_is/
%
What is it called when you eat a whole bag of Swedish Berries?

Finnish Berries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmrm65/what_is_it_called_when_you_eat_a_whole_bag_of/
%
With how bad Asians drive

I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmrl7x/with_how_bad_asians_drive/
%
What do you call a strong cow?

Mooscular

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmrjtx/what_do_you_call_a_strong_cow/
%
Communism jokes aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmrh90/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
%
“Before I met my wife I was incomplete...

Now I’m finished”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmrabt/before_i_met_my_wife_i_was_incomplete/
%
What do you call someone who admires Thanos's work?

A Fan-os

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmr3du/what_do_you_call_someone_who_admires_thanoss_work/
%
Why did the Libertarian cross the road?

None of your damn business. Am I being detained?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmr20i/why_did_the_libertarian_cross_the_road/
%
Where did Timmy go in the explosion?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmr1tn/where_did_timmy_go_in_the_explosion/
%
Late one night...

Joke: Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmqzxq/late_one_night/
%
What did the guy who cut a tree in half by just looking at it say?

I saw it with my own two eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmqysi/what_did_the_guy_who_cut_a_tree_in_half_by_just/
%
There was this guy and he got into such a terrible accident

that they had to amputate the whole left side of his body
It took a lot of time to heal, but he’s all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmqu7y/there_was_this_guy_and_he_got_into_such_a/
%
What did the romans say when they crucified jesus?

NAILED IT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmqra0/what_did_the_romans_say_when_they_crucified_jesus/
%
What do a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

Wet noses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmqq4x/what_do_a_nearsighted_gynecologist_and_a_puppy/
%
Why doesn't Trump wear glasses? (OC)

Because he already has Russian contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmqp42/why_doesnt_trump_wear_glasses_oc/
%
A guy is driving down a country road

There’s nothing but fields and farm houses. As he’s driving, he suddenly spots a man fucking a sheep. Disturbed and concerned he pulls over to the nearest house and knocks on the door. A kid answers. The guy asks the kid: “hey are your parents home? There’s a man fucking a sheep out here.”
The kid steps out, looks over at the guy fucking the sheep, and says: “that’s my daaaaaaaad.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmqjdg/a_guy_is_driving_down_a_country_road/
%
How many Suh Dudes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, it's already lit fam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmqedj/how_many_suh_dudes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
The true story of cinderella

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her mom said she had work to do.
So she finished all her chores and asked "please, please, let me go to the  ball!"
But mom said she had nothing to wear.
"Oh, i sewwed this dres out of old scraps. Isn't it beautiful?" Cinderella pleaded.
Finally her mother relented, but grandma said "you have to be home by midnight" and made jer eat a magic pumpkin seed.
"Now cinderella, if you aren't back by midnight you will grow a pumpkin in your belly and have to carry it around for 9 months."
So Cinderella went off, and danced and danced. Midnight came and went unheeded.
Finally as the sun was rising cinderella bounced through her fromt door all smiles and rainbows.
"Cinderella you're just like your mother" moaned grandma "now youre going to grow a pumpkin"
"No grandma" said cinderella "I met a nice boy, Peter Peter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmqebq/the_true_story_of_cinderella/
%
One day we'll be able to put our thoughts from our brain into our phones.

Let that sync in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmqe3j/one_day_well_be_able_to_put_our_thoughts_from_our/
%
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?

A hairy Potter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmq68p/what_do_you_call_a_yeti_gardener/
%
I found this big hammer laying around in Norway so I've been tossing it around.

Boy am I Thor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmq5la/i_found_this_big_hammer_laying_around_in_norway/
%
I was at a diner when the waitress asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes, please.”
Waitress: Sure. Today is special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmq3ay/i_was_at_a_diner_when_the_waitress_asked_me_do/
%
If the Flash dies...

Will they have to Barry Allen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmq2rs/if_the_flash_dies/
%
Bad Dad Panda Joke

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
(lol i'm sorry for this bad joke but i laugh everytime i think about how hard my father laughed when he told me. Even laughing at himself struggling to tell it to me again many years later RIP Dad)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmq253/bad_dad_panda_joke/
%
Why are trees good at math?

They know how to get square roots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmq07j/why_are_trees_good_at_math/
%
Do you know what camping is?

It's intense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmpzgg/do_you_know_what_camping_is/
%
I asked SIRI, what do women want?

The damn thing hasn’t shut up for the past 3 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmpuu3/i_asked_siri_what_do_women_want/
%
My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmps29/my_local_movie_theater_was_robbed_of_almost_10000/
%
What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmprkg/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
A man asks his wife to make him happy and sad at the same time...

She thinks for a minute and says..
You have the biggest dick out of all of your friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmpr1z/a_man_asks_his_wife_to_make_him_happy_and_sad_at/
%
A feminist told me about the Dwayne Johnson rule

Basically as she explained it, don’t say something to a woman that you wouldn’t say to Dwayne Johnson.
So I told her “your chest is fucking huge.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmpmtz/a_feminist_told_me_about_the_dwayne_johnson_rule/
%
So an optimist was best friends with a pessimist.

He was always trying to find things that could make his pessimist friend say something positive about but he never could.
One day, the optimist decided to buy a fabulous pet that his pessimist friend couldn’t find anything wrong with. So he went to a specialty pet store and explained his mission to the owner.
The owner replied, “Well I do have a fabulous parrot that can say many things and has beautiful plumage.”
“No he’ll just make fun of the birds mispronunciations and point out the colors it doesn’t have.” said the optimist.
“You know I think I have the perfect pet for you. I have a dog that can walk on water.”
“Seriously?” said the optimist, “I’ll take him! My friend won’t be able to say anything negative about that dog!”
So the optimist took his new dog out on a walk by a small lake with his pessimist friend. As they were casually talking the optimist started playing fetch with the dog. Then the optimist threw the ball out on the lake and the dog ran out on the lake, grabbed the ball and ran back to the men.
“Notice anything about my dog?” asked the optimist.
“Sure, he can’t swim.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmplzg/so_an_optimist_was_best_friends_with_a_pessimist/
%
A girl with a nasal voice walks into a speech therapist's office to get herself "cured."

After going through the therapy, she starts getting hit on by guys who earlier bullied her. She starts having positive thoughts and dreams again. One day she dreams of having sex with her hot Biology teacher. The next day she stays in for office hours and ends up fucking him.
She starts getting whatever she desires, and everyone compliments her voice.
She goes to her speech therapist's office to thank him and finds out that he was an alien who came on earth to help victims of bullying.
She tells the therapist, "Thank you so much for your services. I have everything in my life now- all the boys like the way I talk and I can have sex with whoever I want. Why did you decide to serve people on Earth?"The alien replies, "I did not choose Earth, I landed here after the comet I was living on broke into two pieces and released me here. After coming here, I was surprised to see that Earthlings make fun of other Earthlings due to the small differences that actually make them unique.....and beautiful. So I decided to help those who face bullying."
The girl says, "Wow you really are a true hero. But I just need help with one thing. I have been having great sex, but I have not laughed much in recent times. Can you please say something to make me laugh?"
The alien replies, "I would have told you a real joke from my own jokebook, if only I had met you earlier! Because the real joke is in the comets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmplm0/a_girl_with_a_nasal_voice_walks_into_a_speech/
%
A man walks in on his wife cheating with another man. He says “are you kidding me?!”

The wife says “no, I’m adulting you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmpk65/a_man_walks_in_on_his_wife_cheating_with_another/
%
Little Johnny, an altar boy, went into the confessional box because he has been seeing a girl

"Bless me father for I have sinned against the Lord."
The priest asks, "Little Johnny, is that you?"
"Indeed. It is I father"
"Let me guess, you came here to confess about seeing a girl?"
"My lips ar- wait, how did you know father?"
"BECAUSE THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME I'VE SEEN THIS FUCKING JOKE IN THIS SUBREDDIT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmpira/little_johnny_an_altar_boy_went_into_the/
%
Why is the Hulk so good at advertising?

Because he's a giant banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmpfes/why_is_the_hulk_so_good_at_advertising/
%
Pepsi just fired their CEO

For testing positive for coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmpcnw/pepsi_just_fired_their_ceo/
%
A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.
He arrived early one morning, surveying the house. Thankful for his presence, the young woman guided her friend to the room that she was thinking of customizing. It was fairly small and had five walls, the fifth of which held the doorway.
“I’m thinking of tearing down some walls in here to make more room,” she said. “Can you help?”
Her friend looked around the perimeter of the room, putting his knowledge of architecture to the test. Finally, pointing at one section of the structure, he gave a single warning. “This fourth one’s a load-bearing wall, You’ll have to leave it alone, or else this whole place’s integrity will be at risk.”
The woman nodded, but was clearly still perplexed. Leading her friend to the door, she thanked him for the help as he left.
A week later, he and the woman bumped into each other at a restaurant.
“Hey! Did I end up helping you out with our house problem at all?”
“You were a bit confusing, but I eventually found someone who could help.”
Curious, he asked “Well... who did you ask?”
A smile occupying her face, she answered “It took a bit of looking, but I found that the Redditors reading this joke were quite helpful!”
A look of panic crossed her friend’s face.
Concerned as to what possibly could be the problem, she asked, “What’s wrong...?” A few moments passed before he answered:
“I told you not to break the fourth wall.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmp7kj/a_young_woman_was_moving_into_a_new_home_in_the/
%
My girlfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmp6ok/my_girlfriend_and_i_always_laugh_about_how/
%
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

Cuz she threw away all of the W’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmp6bi/why_did_the_blonde_get_fired_from_the_mm_factory/
%
Why are there two d’s in Reddit

The second one’s a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmp4er/why_are_there_two_ds_in_reddit/
%
Two old ladies met up in town

Hello Mavis, did you come on the bus?
I did yes, but i made it look like an asthma attack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmp2m1/two_old_ladies_met_up_in_town/
%
Hell

A wife starts yelling at her husband.
"I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE, PACK YOUR BAGS AND GET OUT."
She continues
"YOURE AN IDIOT, I CANT STAND YOU. GET OUT GET OUT PACK YOUR BAGS AND GET OUT. I NEVER WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN."
Once the husband has packed his bags, he is on his way out, and just as he is about to leave, his wife yells :
"I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL!!"
The husband stops, turns around and says:
"Well, which one is it? Do you want me to stay or go?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmoz53/hell/
%
Three best friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"
Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."
Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmoulj/three_best_friends_bragged_about_who_has_more_sex/
%
I'm a Brit and I hate it when I have to correct Americans' choice of words.

It's colour not color.
It's football, not soccer.
It's lift, not elevator.
It's school, not shooting range.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmoq4y/im_a_brit_and_i_hate_it_when_i_have_to_correct/
%
An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'.

As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmoonw/an_8year_old_girl_went_to_the_office_with_her/
%
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmon1x/an_elderly_lady_was_wellknown_for_her_faith_and/
%
A Nazi walks into a bar..

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."
As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar.
"Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before
"Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmolz3/a_nazi_walks_into_a_bar/
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I invented a silent car.

It doesn't have an engine because it goes without saying.
\[The Phantom Tollbooth\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmol8s/i_invented_a_silent_car/
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Policeman: What's your name?

Man: The Wizard of Oz
Policeman: What is your FULL name?
Man: (mumbled) The Wizard of Ounces...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmokll/policeman_whats_your_name/
%
What do you call a volunteer bricklayer?

A freemason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmofqs/what_do_you_call_a_volunteer_bricklayer/
%
We all have that one thing that pushes us over the edge

Mine was the Grand Canyon Tour Guide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmoe41/we_all_have_that_one_thing_that_pushes_us_over/
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My friends told me my clothes looked gay.

Well yeah, they came out of the closet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmod3v/my_friends_told_me_my_clothes_looked_gay/
%
My grandma died because the report said she had a type-A blood

Unfortunatly it was a type-O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmoc5e/my_grandma_died_because_the_report_said_she_had_a/
%
What do you call an artist who scratches his butt?

Pick-ass-o

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmnzxz/what_do_you_call_an_artist_who_scratches_his_butt/
%
What's a condom with holes in it called?

Kinder surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmnx2t/whats_a_condom_with_holes_in_it_called/
%
A woman walks into a pet shop looking to buy a parrot.

"Do you have any parrots for sale?" asks the woman.
"We only have one left," replies the shopkeeper. "But I must warn you she has a filthy mouth. Take a listen."
The shopkeeper lifts a blanket off a cage to reveal the parrot, who instantly starts squawking, "My name's Bella and I want to fuck all day!"
The woman is a little surprised by the language but tells the shopkeeper, "Oh, don't worry. I have two parrots at home and all they do is pray. I'm sure they can teach her the error of her ways."
The woman buys the parrot and takes her home. She takes the blanketed cage into her house and sets it down near another cage containing two parrots, both perched silently praying.
The woman lifts the blanket off the cage and instantly the squawking begins. "My name's Bella and I want to fuck all day!"
The two parrots in the other cage both stop praying and slowly turn to look at each other. After a few moments of silence one of the parrot whispers, "I fucking told you, we just had to pray hard enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmnoy3/a_woman_walks_into_a_pet_shop_looking_to_buy_a/
%
Working out is like a drug to me.

I don't do drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmnkvg/working_out_is_like_a_drug_to_me/
%
Benedict Cumberbatch and his Marvel character have one thing in common...

Both of their last names are strange

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmnjik/benedict_cumberbatch_and_his_marvel_character/
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What do you call it when a hillbilly dies and comes back as something else?

Reintarnation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmnhmv/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_hillbilly_dies_and/
%
Got kicked out of a funeral today

My mourning wood was showing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmnh3y/got_kicked_out_of_a_funeral_today/
%
I was with a woman the other night, she told me she was very tight down there..

So we're going at it, and she asks me to put a finger in her. I proceeded with not problem.
Things were getting hotter and wetter...so she asked me to insert another finger. I complied.
It was obvious she was having fun, but after a few minutes, she asked me to add a third one. Guess what I did?
Seeing that she loved what I was doing, I took the initiative of adding a fourth one.
She started to go crazy...And asked me to go for the whole five fingers. In they went.
As she was nearing orgasm, she SCREAMED "PUT YOUR OTHER HAND IN THERE". It slid right in...
"NOW CLAP" she shouted.
I tried, I tried so hard...
"Sorry, but I can't clap"
"Told you I was tight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmn9bp/i_was_with_a_woman_the_other_night_she_told_me/
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How to fall down a flight of stairs

Step 1, Step 2, Step 4, Step 7,  Step 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmn5m6/how_to_fall_down_a_flight_of_stairs/
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My doctor told my that I need to start wearing condoms on my ears when I go to sleep

That way I don’t get hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmmf3i/my_doctor_told_my_that_i_need_to_start_wearing/
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I'm not addicted to cocaine

I just really like the way it smells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmmdug/im_not_addicted_to_cocaine/
%
Endgame spoiler

The movie is 3 hours long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmmdez/endgame_spoiler/
%
What i know about ghost's?

A medium amount of information.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmmcxw/what_i_know_about_ghosts/
%
What did Mick Jagger say to the Scotsman?

Hey! Mcloud! Get off of my ewe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmmc8z/what_did_mick_jagger_say_to_the_scotsman/
%
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke

deserves a no bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmmc3m/whoever_invented_the_knockknock_joke/
%
One day Putin summons the ghost of Stalin.

Putin asks, "Why is everything here so bad? What should I do?"
“Execute the entire government and paint the Kremlin blue,” says Stalin.
“Why blue?” asks a perplexed Putin.
“I knew you wouldn't object to the first part,” Stalin says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmmafm/one_day_putin_summons_the_ghost_of_stalin/
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What do you get if u put A Toyota in reverse?

atoyoT A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmm889/what_do_you_get_if_u_put_a_toyota_in_reverse/
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Pissing your pants is like being happy

I haven’t done it since I was 6

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmm6nr/pissing_your_pants_is_like_being_happy/
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I asked my wife what she will do when I won the lottery.

She said ''Divorce you and take half'' I said ''I won $10, here's $5 and there is the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmm5g0/i_asked_my_wife_what_she_will_do_when_i_won_the/
%
I refuse to give any of my money to the homeless for two reasons. 1) They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

2)  I need it for drugs and alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmm4od/i_refuse_to_give_any_of_my_money_to_the_homeless/
%
Thought I lost my hearing but I actually just left my ear buds in

It was a near deaf experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmm3d3/thought_i_lost_my_hearing_but_i_actually_just/
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What is the chemical structure for Holy Water?

H2OMG

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmm0ve/what_is_the_chemical_structure_for_holy_water/
%
I asked the doctor why he was checking my reflexes?

Just for kicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmlted/i_asked_the_doctor_why_he_was_checking_my_reflexes/
%
:)

does my thai girlfriend have a penis?
something inside of me says yes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmlo8w/_/
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(NSFW) Sex and feelings

A man was brought before a Judge and was charged with NECROPHILIA.(having sex with a dead person). The Judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your damn business;
2. She was my wife; and...
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way during sex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmlnpb/nsfw_sex_and_feelings/
%
Alcohol is not addictive.

Trust me. I have been drinking for 25 years so i should know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmln7p/alcohol_is_not_addictive/
%
Once I stayed up all night tryna find where the sun went

Then it dawned on me.
(Sorry if it looks like a repost I just thought of it and posted it here.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmll8r/once_i_stayed_up_all_night_tryna_find_where_the/
%
Throwback to elementary school:

Three people were on a game show where there were 100 stairs. On each stair, they were told a joke. If they could get through all of the stairs without laughing, they would win a million dollars.
The three contestants were a Brilliant scientist, a successful lawyer, and an ordinary person who was currently unemployed.
The scientist went first. He managed to make it to the 14th stair, but couldn’t resist a clever chemistry joke.
The lawyer was up next. She faired better, making it to the 32nd stair, but like the scientist, her brain was her weakness. She laughed at a law joke.
Last, but not least was the ordinary man. Anyone watching the show would quickly learn that he wasn’t the brightest. However, he began his journey and was doing pretty well. He passed the 14th and the 32nd stair without laughing and kept going.
By the time he reached the 90th stair, the crowd was going wild. On the 99th stair, everyone knew he could do it, but he laughed at the last second.
Everyone was going crazy, asking why he laughed, to which his response was: “I just got the first Joke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmlksp/throwback_to_elementary_school/
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When I was a child I asked my dad for help with my science homework. I asked "dad, how do you make a hormone?" And he said...

"Don't pay her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmlkaw/when_i_was_a_child_i_asked_my_dad_for_help_with/
%
What do you call 3 friends in Silicon Valley?

A startup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmljr7/what_do_you_call_3_friends_in_silicon_valley/
%
A Man Walks Into A Bar...

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream
down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmlhlr/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a man who cries when he masturbates?

A tear jerker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmlf5s/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_cries_when_he/
%
I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being.

When everyone asks if Pepsi is okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmleck/i_feel_bad_that_nobodys_checking_up_on_coca_colas/
%
How to speak British 101.

*" For Folks Sake."*
Thats it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmldm4/how_to_speak_british_101/
%
Two people walk into a bar.

They see that the bartender is Eminem.
"Two shots please", one of them tells him
"Sorry. You only get one shot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmlc93/two_people_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Will glass coffins ever become popular?

Remains to be seen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmlbpy/will_glass_coffins_ever_become_popular/
%
An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmlbh2/an_angry_wife_says_to_her_husband_i_shouldve/
%
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo set.

How low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bml6gb/someone_broke_into_my_house_last_night_and_stole/
%
If I Had A Nickel For Every Math Test I Failed...

I'd have 97 cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bml2l6/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_math_test_i_failed/
%
A captain is flying an airplane over a mental hospital...

...when suddenly he starts laughing maniacally.
"What's so funny?" the co-pilot asks.
"Oh, I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmkxuo/a_captain_is_flying_an_airplane_over_a_mental/
%
What comes out when a cheese factory explodes?

'De Brie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmktft/what_comes_out_when_a_cheese_factory_explodes/
%
Dude walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the bartender, "What are those for?"
Bartender answers, "If you can slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for one hour. If you miss, everyone else's drinks are on you. Do you wanna try?"
"Nah, the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmksl2/dude_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_3_pieces_of_meat/
%
V



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmkka4/v/
%
Why is Pepsi never the punchline of a good joke?

Because nobody ever gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmkgi6/why_is_pepsi_never_the_punchline_of_a_good_joke/
%
The balloon was very happy when I rubbed on my hair.

It was ecstatic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmkf17/the_balloon_was_very_happy_when_i_rubbed_on_my/
%
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet

But most of them only have 4!
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One of them sees you later, the other sees you after a while!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmkefy/did_you_know_alligators_can_grow_up_to_18_feet/
%
NSFW What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmk90l/nsfw_whats_the_best_thing_about_fingering_a_gypsy/
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Sarcasm is like food, some people don't get it

Especially the African kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmk760/sarcasm_is_like_food_some_people_dont_get_it/
%
Ya know, I tried acupuncture last weekend

I just didn't really get the point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmk71b/ya_know_i_tried_acupuncture_last_weekend/
%
My wife left me this morning because I’m so insecure.

No wait... she’s back.  She just went out for coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmk2px/my_wife_left_me_this_morning_because_im_so/
%
People have called me stupid, well jokes on them....

I don't even know what that means

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmjzhp/people_have_called_me_stupid_well_jokes_on_them/
%
Why do you never trust a horse out in a field?

He’s unstabled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmjzgw/why_do_you_never_trust_a_horse_out_in_a_field/
%
A woman is in the shower

And she hears a knock at the front door. The woman jumps out the shower but there’s no towel. She hears another knock at the front door. The woman runs downstairs naked and says “Who’s there?” The person at the door replies “The blind man”. Upon hearing this response the woman thinks ‘he’s blind, it doesn’t matter if I open the door naked’ and opens the door. The man steps in and says “Nice tits, where do you want me to hang these blinds?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmjtuv/a_woman_is_in_the_shower/
%
A man tells his psychiatrist that he’s depressed.

A man tells his psychiatrist that he’s depressed and that he would like a prescription for medical marijuana. The doctor nods and says, “fine, fine, but first why do you think you’re depressed?” The man replies, “well doc, I don’t have any weed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmjthc/a_man_tells_his_psychiatrist_that_hes_depressed/
%
Two friends, Jack and Ryan, are hanging out when Jack turns to Ryan and says "You know what's dumb?"

Ryan: "What's that?"
Jack: "The words oral vs aural."
Ryan: "Why, did you end up with a wet-willy instead of a wet willy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmjroh/two_friends_jack_and_ryan_are_hanging_out_when/
%
What do you call a mermaid who's a prostitute?

H-2-Hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmjqen/what_do_you_call_a_mermaid_whos_a_prostitute/
%
I was in the bathroom and someone yelled "BOO"

Scared the crap out of me!
... Too bad I was at a urinal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmjlhz/i_was_in_the_bathroom_and_someone_yelled_boo/
%
A Chinese drug dealer just came up to me and asked “Have you seen my cocaine?”

I replied “Not since he was in the Italian job.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmjeid/a_chinese_drug_dealer_just_came_up_to_me_and/
%
Meghan and Prince Harry have announced the name of their new baby boy.

They're going to call him Seatbelt.
It's what his mother would have wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmjdr7/meghan_and_prince_harry_have_announced_the_name/
%
A prostitute, buddhist, and landscaper walk into a bar. [NSFW?]

As they all sit down, the bartender asks how they’re doing.
“Awful,” says the landscaper. “I have to dig up holes and fix a fence, and the owner of the house wants us to use the same old wood.”
The buddhist speaks up, “I’ve been trying to teach a class about my religion, and this…girl…was in the class today.” He sighs. “It’s been a rough start, but hopefully I’ll change her ways.”
The landscaper takes a second look at the prostitute, and realizes, “hey, aren’t you the lady who owns the house I was working on?”
The prostitute’s head nods, but before she can speak, the landscaper gets up and leaves, but not before saying:
“Typical f***ing karma whores, always wanting to repost the same damn thing.”
(Credit to a u/celemourn post that made me think of this)
(Please go easy on me, this is my first ever joke)
(Edit 1: spelling)
(Edit 2: spelling again, because I’m dumb)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmj2tl/a_prostitute_buddhist_and_landscaper_walk_into_a/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,

They would eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmj19x/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
%
I met Jesus while walking on a dusty road, he pulled out some bread and fish. Then some red wine.

At that point I knew the guy wasn't legit because white wine goes a lot better with fish than red does. Rookie mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmiz4h/i_met_jesus_while_walking_on_a_dusty_road_he/
%
The invisible man tried to sneak up behind me

But I saw right through him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmiyet/the_invisible_man_tried_to_sneak_up_behind_me/
%
Naming the new royal baby

Rumours were that Harry and Meghan we going to name the child “Seatbelt”
When questioned about this, Prince Harry responded with “Its what my mum would have wanted”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmiy9g/naming_the_new_royal_baby/
%
"Is it OK if I turn the AC on?"

"Yeah, I'm cool with it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmiwuq/is_it_ok_if_i_turn_the_ac_on/
%
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmiwh2/today_i_learned_that_humans_eat_more_bananas_than/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalotapus.
Apologies if this is a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmivx2/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
The barman says "sorry, we don't serve time travellers"

Two time travellers walk into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmiq06/the_barman_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
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joke for people you don't like!!

knock knock?
who's there?
goat
goat who?
goat who hell!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmijf9/joke_for_people_you_dont_like/
%
There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmiiek/there_are_several_distinct_cultural_differences/
%
I was banned from the pet shop when I fatally misinterpreted

Put down that bunny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmidvr/i_was_banned_from_the_pet_shop_when_i_fatally/
%
How come Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa?

Because they’re the one who make the toys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmiduu/how_come_chinese_kids_dont_believe_in_santa/
%
What did Cinderella find when she got to the ball?

Her gag reflex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmib4x/what_did_cinderella_find_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
A 3-yr old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. ‘Mom’ he asked, ‘Are these my brains?’

‘Not yet’, she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmiaw5/a_3yr_old_boy_examined_his_testicles_while_taking/
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How do communists masturbate?

They seize the means of reproduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmiaof/how_do_communists_masturbate/
%
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmi9fe/bless_me_father_for_i_have_sinned_i_have_been/
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Stalking is when two people go for a quiet walk in the woods.

But only one of them knows about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmi9a2/stalking_is_when_two_people_go_for_a_quiet_walk/
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A Farmer gets a Letter from his Neighbors

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.
"Dear Ronald J. Kse,
This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.
Thanks, your neighbors"
Now, Ronald had really enjoyed last year's party, so he was delighted to be the host for this year.
After a grand day of eating, drinking, and merrymaking, All of Ronald's neighbors left - without helping clean up.
"That's fine, its just one party, and I've done the same other years" said Ron.
Fast forward the next year, Ron was looking forward to this year's harvest, and the celebration that would follow.
After attending this year's anonymous vote, he gets another letter in the mail.
"Dear Mr. Kse,
After the amazing time everyone had last year, the vote was decided again for you to be the host! We look forward to seeing you again, and thank you."
Ron sighs, but thinks "Yeah, last year's party was pretty great. I guess the cleanup wasn't too bad. No worries."
Again, he gathered with his neighbors, and they feasted and drank themselves silly... but there were twice as many people this year. Friends, family, friends of family were all invited...
The cleanup was far worse this year. "But," Ron thought, "there's no way I'll get it three years in a row."
Next year, Ron's sister was visiting, and went with him to check the mail. She handed him a very lavish envelope, garnished with golden filigree and laden with caligraphy.
She exclaimed "Wow! This is beautiful! It must be something very wonderful and important!"
"No... I've seen this before... It's another fucking reap host..." said R. Joe Kse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmi838/a_farmer_gets_a_letter_from_his_neighbors/
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If you think I'm a big Supertramp fan..

you should take a look at my girlfriend!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmi306/if_you_think_im_a_big_supertramp_fan/
%
A man and his mother were very far behind on their car payments

The repo man had been after them for a while but hadn't successfully gotten the car yet. One day the man had an idea for a "sting" operation to solve the problem once and for all. Before he left he shouted to his mom that he was taking the car, but she was in the bathroom and couldn't make out what he said.
"What are you taking?" she asked.
"Car, ma, for repo sting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmi2ei/a_man_and_his_mother_were_very_far_behind_on/
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Whats the name of the mexican guy who lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmi0ka/whats_the_name_of_the_mexican_guy_who_lost_his_car/
%
Do you want to hear my impression of an Extractor Fan?

I used to really like Tractors...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmhx6c/do_you_want_to_hear_my_impression_of_an_extractor/
%
I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmhrgl/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
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Help, I think the girl I had my first date with is homeless.

I told her to send me a text message when she got home, but it's been days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmhq6a/help_i_think_the_girl_i_had_my_first_date_with_is/
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What did the light bulb say to the other light bulb?

Let's go out tonight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmhhux/what_did_the_light_bulb_say_to_the_other_light/
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Did David Bowie just have one set of clothes when he performed?

Or did he have several ch-ch-ch-changes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmhg59/did_david_bowie_just_have_one_set_of_clothes_when/
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Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.
"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.
"No way, man. I'm not going to say that, even if they won't give us anything to drink", replied Joe.
They go up and knock on the door, a Muslim man with a smile on his face answers the door, "yes, how may I help you?".
"Hello, I'm Muhammed and this is Joe. We were wondering if we could have something to eat and drink", asked Roger.
"Why, of course! Joe, we will bring you some food, and for you, Muhammed, "RAMADAN MUBARIK" and we won't be breaking our fast until sundown".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmhfh1/two_americans_were_walking_in_the_arabian_desert/
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A little boy goes to the hospital with his mom

They’re visiting her friend who’s just given birth.
The boys mom kneels down, holding his hands and says to him “son, look at me. Sometimes babies are born differently.” “What do you mean mom?’ He asks, head cocked to one side as he ponders this.
She thinks of how to respond, gently. “Well, my love, some new babies are born with missing fingers or toes, and some are born with missing arms or legs.”
“Okay” he thinks, feeling sad for the babies.
His mom continues “this new baby was born without ears. But I don’t want you to talk about it in the hospital, okay? His mommy is very tired.”
The boy agrees, packs his little backpack with a new blanket for the baby, and off they go to visit his mom’s friend.
When they get there, the mother’s friend is sitting up in bed with her new baby. “Do you want to have a hold?” She asks the boy.
“Sure!” The boy replies, remembering what his mom told him.
Trying not to draw attention to the baby’s deformity, he points out his cute little button nose instead. “It’s so little!” The boy says to his mom as he gently pokes it. “Ahh and his hands and feet are so tiny!”
The mom reminds him that he was once that small.
“His eyes are so sparkly, mom!” The boy exclaims, full of wonder. “I hope he has really good vision!”
The mom looks at her son, confused.
“... because he won’t be able to wear glasses if he doesn’t!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmhcbw/a_little_boy_goes_to_the_hospital_with_his_mom/
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What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?

All the money in the world can at least buy me a Ferrari.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmha3r/whats_the_difference_between_a_ferrari_and_an/
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Wind Turbines!

I’m a big fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmh6cn/wind_turbines/
%
A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly

It said "parking fine". So that was nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmh64m/a_traffic_cop_went_out_of_his_way_to_leave_a_note/
%
I purchased this closed box full of bees, it has a warning sign which says

Be Safe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmh0rq/i_purchased_this_closed_box_full_of_bees_it_has_a/
%
So I'm sitting down with bill Cosby talking and having drinks at a bar.

ZzZzzZZZZzz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgz67/so_im_sitting_down_with_bill_cosby_talking_and/
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What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"
Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.
"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgyrr/what_did_the_monster_say_when_he_saw_a_full_train/
%
There are two reasons I don't drink from the toilet:

Number 1, and number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgye8/there_are_two_reasons_i_dont_drink_from_the_toilet/
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I’m working with Space X on a program to send Flat Earthers into space to help them prove earth is flat.

But not on bringing them back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgxu6/im_working_with_space_x_on_a_program_to_send_flat/
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I can see that my friend has fallen out of a river boat in Egypt but he refuses to accept it.

I think he’s in denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgvcq/i_can_see_that_my_friend_has_fallen_out_of_a/
%
"Welcome to the Voyeurs With Telescopes society...."

"... Where we'll see you coming a mile away!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgssj/welcome_to_the_voyeurs_with_telescopes_society/
%
My friend is crazy, he told me he is going to bring a bulletproof vest to school

For real though, noone is going to shoot back anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgq5d/my_friend_is_crazy_he_told_me_he_is_going_to/
%
Angela Merkel, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are sitting on the beach...

Donald Trump starts bragging:"Our american submarines can stay under water for 3 months without having to surface!"
"That's nothing!", says Putin:"Our russian nuclear submarines can stay under water for 6 months!"
Angela Merkel starts to get nervous, but before she can say anything a giant wave catches their eyes. It's a huge submarine, emerging from the sea. A small hatch opens on the top and a really old man climbs out, raises his right arm and shouts:" Heil Hitler! We need Diesel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgq4b/angela_merkel_donald_trump_and_vladimir_putin_are/
%
I just paid for a double, left side, amputation.

It cost me an arm and a leg.
I’m all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgouu/i_just_paid_for_a_double_left_side_amputation/
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What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no head?

Dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgnec/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes_no_legs_and/
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Plan A: Attack

Plan B: Defend
Plan C: Run away
Plan D: Get to the airport
PlanE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgmpw/plan_a_attack/
%
Today i saw a strip club across the road from a minigolf place.

I'm liberal but that's too much for me. What if your trying to have a nice afternoon with your family and kids and you look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgl2u/today_i_saw_a_strip_club_across_the_road_from_a/
%
At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgjbr/at_which_event_do_disabled_athletes_compete/
%
Why is it good to always go out to eat?

Cooking at home is counterproductive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgdc2/why_is_it_good_to_always_go_out_to_eat/
%
So I used to work in a keyboard factory

I got fired because I always lost CTRL and because of that I went HOME and lost a lot of SHIFTS. I guess F8 didn't want me to work there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgd33/so_i_used_to_work_in_a_keyboard_factory/
%
Three men are walking through the jungle, Mr. A, Mr. B and Mr. C.

Suddenly the 3 men are surrounded by a group of natives and quickly escorted back to the tribal leader.
The tribal leader says "in order to survive you must pass a test. If the total length of your penises doesn't add up to 20 inches exactly you will all be killed!
Mr. A pulls his out : 9 inches
Mr. B: 10 inches
Mr. A and Man B turn to Mr. C, saying "c'mon bro, we know you've got one inch, you've got to have one inch, just one, little, measley inch!"
Mr. C pulls his out: it's EXACTLY one inch!
The tribal leader says "very well, you have passed the test, you are free to go."
A few minutes later as the three men are walking back through the jungle, Mr. A boasts "if it weren't for my 9 inches, we'd all be dead right now!" Mr. B says "are you kidding? It was my 10 inches that saved us!" Mr. C says "Guys, if I didn't have an erection..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmgcoe/three_men_are_walking_through_the_jungle_mr_a_mr/
%
My Colorblind friend just moved to Denver.

He says it’s the capital of Ado.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmg8su/my_colorblind_friend_just_moved_to_denver/
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Before he died Michael Jackson was in negotiations to do a musical on Broadway...

Diddler on the Roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmg83f/before_he_died_michael_jackson_was_in/
%
A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the bloody difference?'
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my penis??'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I bloody said!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmg4ja/a_young_boy_says_to_his_father_dad_our_math/
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If having sex for money makes you a whore....

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmg051/if_having_sex_for_money_makes_you_a_whore/
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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmfz7f/as_an_aussie_americans_are_always_asking_me_where/
%
Unpopular opinion but true

Gay men are fucking assholes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmfyqq/unpopular_opinion_but_true/
%
a computer that knows everything

in Silicon Valley, there was an exhibition of a new generation Artificial Intelligence computer, which was supposed to know everything: a man and his son went to the exhibition.
"I will hide in the next room," said the man, "and you will ask the computer where am I."
So the man hides and the kid asks the computer: "Where is my father?"
The computer replies: "Your father is in Europe. But don't tell this to the moron who is hiding in the next room..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmfusc/a_computer_that_knows_everything/
%
You know what they say about recycling jokes

You shouldn’t if it’s garbage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmfupf/you_know_what_they_say_about_recycling_jokes/
%
What is worse than ants in your pants?

Uncle's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmfh6f/what_is_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
How Do You Make An Octopus Laugh?

With **ten** -tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmfgv6/how_do_you_make_an_octopus_laugh/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalottapuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmfcev/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
Alabama is so progressive that

the women don't even change their last names when they get married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmf3tz/alabama_is_so_progressive_that/
%
If half the population really are introverts...

... why haven't I met any?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmf3ap/if_half_the_population_really_are_introverts/
%
Last night I lay in my bed, looking at the stars an thought

where the hell is my roof?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmf1sl/last_night_i_lay_in_my_bed_looking_at_the_stars/
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An example of the word tragedy

Trump is visiting a school in an elementary classroom where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (Not the punchline).
So he asked the class if anyone can give him an example of the word tragedy.
One little boy stood up and said “if my best friend who lives on the farm suddenly got ran over by a tractor and died that would be a tragedy.”
“Not quite” said Trump. “ that would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand and says “if a school bus carrying 50 children suddenly drove off a cliff killing everyone on board that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not” said Trump “ that’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room go silent. Trump searched the room for anyone who would raise their hand next and then says “Isn’t there anyone who can give me an example of the word tragedy?”
Finally in the back of the room one young man stands up and says “ if Air Force One carrying you was shot down and turned into a box of confetti that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic” exclaimed Trump. “That’s right.” “ can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” said the boy “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably not an accident either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmexiu/an_example_of_the_word_tragedy/
%
A blonde is in bed with her lover when suddenly the phone rings.

She answers and has a short conversation with the caller. When the call ends, she turns to her lover and says: “That was Frank. He told me not to worry and not to stay up and wait for him tonight cause he’s playing cards with you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmex1f/a_blonde_is_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_suddenly/
%
Did you hear about the kid who always kept a drawing pin in his pocket during self-defense class?

Apparently he had heard that a tack is the best form of defense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmes1q/did_you_hear_about_the_kid_who_always_kept_a/
%
When I was a child, I had a cat.

I went away to Summer Camp, and while I was gone my cat died. My dad didn’t want to upset me, so he told me that the cat went to live with my mom. Needless to say, I was heartbroken, but I soon learned that my dad lied to me because I was digging around in the backyard a few days later and found my mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmeru7/when_i_was_a_child_i_had_a_cat/
%
A Ukranian boy and his father went out for a walk.

"Dad?" The boy asks. "Is it true that there was an accident at Chernobyl in 1986?" "Yes, there was," the father replies, patting his head. "And is it true that there were no consequences?" The little boy asks. "Absolutely," the father replies,  patting his son's second head. And they strolled off together, wagging their tails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmeos8/a_ukranian_boy_and_his_father_went_out_for_a_walk/
%
“This is your captain speaking...

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmek90/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
%
Would would happen if you cut yourself with a pencil?

You would draw blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmehbv/would_would_happen_if_you_cut_yourself_with_a/
%
You can test an ant’s gender in water...

If you put it in water and it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If you put it in the water and it floats, buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmeh8r/you_can_test_an_ants_gender_in_water/
%
Why do cops love an icy winter morning?

So they can do donuts in the parking lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmegtl/why_do_cops_love_an_icy_winter_morning/
%
I wouldn’t like to be gay.

Seems like a pain in the arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmegso/i_wouldnt_like_to_be_gay/
%
Why doesn't Trump wear glasses?

He already has Russian contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmdt8o/why_doesnt_trump_wear_glasses/
%
My Asian friend passed away last week...

So Yung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmdppj/my_asian_friend_passed_away_last_week/
%
My Family

I once saw a shirt that said: My family puts the "fun" in "dysfunctional".
MY family puts the "stew" in "stupid"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmdpio/my_family/
%
My grandma always said, “Slow and steady wins the race.”

Lovely woman. Unfortunately she died in a fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmdn3v/my_grandma_always_said_slow_and_steady_wins_the/
%
Whats the worst part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmdn0h/whats_the_worst_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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What's the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?

One shoots and shoots but never hits, while the other hoots and hoots but never shits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmdmg6/whats_the_difference_between_a_poor_marksman_and/
%
Where did Captain Hook get his hook?

The second hand store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmdl5b/where_did_captain_hook_get_his_hook/
%
Why do mathematicians like metronomes?

Because they're a rhythmic tic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmdjvl/why_do_mathematicians_like_metronomes/
%
How much does a baker on the Oregon Trail pay for piercings?

A pie an ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmdiir/how_much_does_a_baker_on_the_oregon_trail_pay_for/
%
What does a 90 year old woman’s pussy taste like?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmdfx1/what_does_a_90_year_old_womans_pussy_taste_like/
%
Why did the owner of the liquor store love thieves?

They always lifted his spirits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmdezu/why_did_the_owner_of_the_liquor_store_love_thieves/
%
Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”
He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.
“ I just flew in, killed the family and drank their blood. Not even the servants were spared.”  The two elder brothers nod their approval.
“ Not bad!” says the middle brother. “But sit down, young one.” The middlest vampire flies off at 150 miles per hour and comes back 5 minutes later, his whole face dripping in blood.
“You see this? I just went to the village by the river and killed every single occupant to feast on their blood in mere minutes.”  The youngest vampire’s eyes are wide in shock.
Finally, the eldest of the vampire brothers yawns and takes a big stretch. “Now let your oldest brother end the night by impressing you beyond belief.” He takes off at a staggering 200 miles per hour, and returns only a minute later, his entire face and the front of his body completely soaked in blood.
“Dear Satan!” exclaims the youngest of the brothers. “What in earth have you done?”
“Do you both see that large oak tree off in the distance?” asks the eldest. The other brothers both nod earnestly.
“Well, I didn’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmddxk/three_vampire_brothers_were_standing_in_a_moonlit/
%
I told the corn he wasn't fat, just a little husky.

He didn't know how to take the compliment tho I guess it went against the grain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmd84s/i_told_the_corn_he_wasnt_fat_just_a_little_husky/
%
Whenever I receive a large number of resumes for a job posting, I seperate them into two piles...

Then I throw one of the piles in the garbage. I don't want to risk hiring someone unlucky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmd59a/whenever_i_receive_a_large_number_of_resumes_for/
%
An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmd38k/an_engineer_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

She also tells them that there will be no excuse for failing to show up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up and asks the teacher out loud, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"  The entire class has all it can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to stifle its laughter and snickering.  When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
“You can write with your other hand then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmd2nx/a_high_school_english_teacher_reminds_her_class/
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I've decided to rank fruits by how sour they are.

Pretty much all of them are sublime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmd1wh/ive_decided_to_rank_fruits_by_how_sour_they_are/
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What do you call someone who steals from libraries?

A tome raider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmd0u0/what_do_you_call_someone_who_steals_from_libraries/
%
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.
“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.
When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmd0ca/driving_through_southern_california_i_stopped_at/
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Thor hasn't had sex in a while...

It's been a long time. Thor decides he needs to get off.
And human chicks are hot.
So he visits Earth. Goes to a bar, meets a girl. With his God of Thunder good looks, his adventurous and supernatural stories, and the confidence of, well, an actual deity, she falls for him instantly. No Loki tricks necessary... besides, Thor's a big believer in informed, enthusiastic consent. They head back to her place. It's closer than is Asgard.
And they proceed to fuck. But, hey... This is *Thor*. So this isn't just sex... It's the kind of sex that spurs an entire new genre of poetry: the Epic/Erotic Poem. I won't tell it here, but the poem was good. The sex, though. Just insane. A non-stop fucking, sucking, moaning, screaming, white-knuckled, thoroughly dehydrating affair. If you haven't caught my drift, let me just say straight out: it was ridiculous.
The guy just didn't stop, and she was loving it... But even though she had a voracious appetite, she was no match for Thor. No human is.  Eventually, she taps out.  And as the woman lies in bed, little more than a heap of panting, twitching flesh, Thor feels guilty. She's put in an amazing effort, and she shouldn't feel bad that she's throwing in the towel now... She's up against a god, for Thor's sake.
"I'm Thor," he says.
She looks up at him, quizzically. "Of courth you're thor," she says. "That wath amathing. Theriouthly, I'm more thor than I've ever felth in my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmcyd2/thor_hasnt_had_sex_in_a_while/
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How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she can fit in your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmcwum/how_can_you_tell_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
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My boss arrived to work in a brand new lambo..

My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said wow that’s an amazing car! He replied: “if you work hard enough, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one by next month!”﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmcv6u/my_boss_arrived_to_work_in_a_brand_new_lambo/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmcv2j/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
I got a haircut today, but I'm never going back to that barber.

I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmcuk1/i_got_a_haircut_today_but_im_never_going_back_to/
%
What is the definition of a bigamist?

It is an Italian fog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmcrlf/what_is_the_definition_of_a_bigamist/
%
I’ve never tried inhaling helium before

But people speak very highly of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmcqfx/ive_never_tried_inhaling_helium_before/
%
This is my first joke so go easy on me.

Jokes on you if you were looking for something new.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmcoww/this_is_my_first_joke_so_go_easy_on_me/
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I bought my kid a theremin for Christmas

She hasn't touched it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmcmfw/i_bought_my_kid_a_theremin_for_christmas/
%
My therapist asked me: "How often do you do things just for the attention?"

"Well," I replied. "How many people are going to hear my answer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmckbo/my_therapist_asked_me_how_often_do_you_do_things/
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What are Amish children called?

Omelettes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmcfrk/what_are_amish_children_called/
%
Jesus may have walked on water

But Stephen Hawking could run on batteries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmce9e/jesus_may_have_walked_on_water/
%
What do they use to make swiss cheese?

Hole milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmcdbm/what_do_they_use_to_make_swiss_cheese/
%
What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover Vacuum?

With a Harley the dirt bag is on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmccvc/whats_the_difference_between_a_harley_and_a/
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Is your automated litter box running?

Then you better go out and cat shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmc7bb/is_your_automated_litter_box_running/
%
Whoever spoils End Game...

Whoever spoils End Game deserves to die like Black Widow, Iron Man, and Thanos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmc6rl/whoever_spoils_end_game/
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What gives dumbo the ability to fly?

Air force one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmc5dt/what_gives_dumbo_the_ability_to_fly/
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Why do chicken coops have 2 doors

Because if they had 4 doors they would be chicken sedans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmc479/why_do_chicken_coops_have_2_doors/
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what do u call a Mexican gardener

Jose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmc2di/what_do_u_call_a_mexican_gardener/
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Juggling seems fun

But i just don't have the balls to do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmc1yn/juggling_seems_fun/
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I was just mugged by six dwarves

Not happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmc1nr/i_was_just_mugged_by_six_dwarves/
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As a child I always thought my dad was a superhero.

Invisible Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmc15c/as_a_child_i_always_thought_my_dad_was_a_superhero/
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A nurse stopped at the grocery store on the way home...

She went to pay for her groceries with a cheque, but found that in place of the pen that she always kept in her breast pocket was a rectal thermometer.
"Damn," she said, "some asshole has got my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmc03o/a_nurse_stopped_at_the_grocery_store_on_the_way/
%
Two fish in a Tank

One turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbw9s/two_fish_in_a_tank/
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One day I'll pretend to be gay...

I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it......
BAMM!! !! !!
... I'll fuck their boyfriends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbw8m/one_day_ill_pretend_to_be_gay/
%
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

Because 6 7 8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbvm4/why_was_yoda_afraid_of_7/
%
What do you say to someone who stopped bleeding?

Coagulations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbsti/what_do_you_say_to_someone_who_stopped_bleeding/
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"If we win the jackpot I'll get a boob job", the wife said

-"If we win the jackpot I'll get new tires for the car", the husband answered
-"What's the point of wasting so much effort on the old car when you can get a new one?"
-"Exactly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbpxa/if_we_win_the_jackpot_ill_get_a_boob_job_the_wife/
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What did the one r/jokes redditor say to the other?

Ctrl + V

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbm2l/what_did_the_one_rjokes_redditor_say_to_the_other/
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You don't have to wipe your anus.

It's a planet.
(7-year old contribution)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbjyf/you_dont_have_to_wipe_your_anus/
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What do you call a drunk Muslim?

Mohammered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbhg8/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_muslim/
%
Who takes care of chickens?

Chicken tenders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbh69/who_takes_care_of_chickens/
%
Why'd the cheese factory fire the guy with no toes?

They were lack toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbfl3/whyd_the_cheese_factory_fire_the_guy_with_no_toes/
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Why did Hitler shoot himself ?

He saw the gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbdiv/why_did_hitler_shoot_himself/
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Pirates have always seemed good about employing people with physical disabilities.

Hook hands and peg legs are iconic for them. And they seem to frequently be in the middle to high levels of management.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbdfh/pirates_have_always_seemed_good_about_employing/
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What thing gets in hard and gets out flaccid?

Was gonna say noodles- But in fact it's a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbcy1/what_thing_gets_in_hard_and_gets_out_flaccid/
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What do you call a Jamaican squid?

Cala Marley.
~~credit to whoever it was at Nintendo who originally came up with this pun for a Splatoon musician's name~~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbco0/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_squid/
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My ex wife sill misses me

B U T  H E R  A I M  I S  G E T T I N G  B E T T E R

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbb8o/my_ex_wife_sill_misses_me/
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A jewish girl asked for my number last night...

I had to tell her we go by names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmbawe/a_jewish_girl_asked_for_my_number_last_night/
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Sign at a swimming pool: "Welcome to our ool."

"Notice there is no P in it.  Please keep it that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmb9yn/sign_at_a_swimming_pool_welcome_to_our_ool/
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I think if Steve Jobs was alive he would be a better president than Donald Trump

But then again that’s like comparing apples to oranges

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmb5uj/i_think_if_steve_jobs_was_alive_he_would_be_a/
%
If a birth is delayed...

is the baby in the waiting womb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmaxgx/if_a_birth_is_delayed/
%
A man takes his wife golfing

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmaq0l/a_man_takes_his_wife_golfing/
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Do you want to see a joke?

You just reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmanv5/do_you_want_to_see_a_joke/
%
I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bman2e/i_remember_when_i_started_doing_drugs_first_weed/
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What did the speech impaired man say after doing to many drugs?

I’m all Meth’d up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmamxw/what_did_the_speech_impaired_man_say_after_doing/
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The problem with Nearly-Headless Nick

is that he is a poorly-executed character

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmamxq/the_problem_with_nearlyheadless_nick/
%
Two men are fishing on a lake

when they see a funeral procession passing  on a nearby road. One of the men stands up, removes his hat, and bows his head.
"That was a very decent thing to do," says the second man.
"Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 20 years after all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmafiv/two_men_are_fishing_on_a_lake/
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After years in Veterinary medicine, I decided to learn Taxidermy also.

Now my sign reads: “Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,you get your dog back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmad7u/after_years_in_veterinary_medicine_i_decided_to/
%
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?

For hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmaam1/why_did_the_mexican_take_a_xanax/
%
Which one of King Arthur’s knights built the round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmaa6g/which_one_of_king_arthurs_knights_built_the_round/
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Guy finds a genie.

Guy tells genie his wife is a bitch.
﻿Says, 'I want to see her get fucked by the ugliest man in the world.'
Genie installs a mirror in their bedroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bmaa07/guy_finds_a_genie/
%
I went to the Doctors with hearing problems and he asked, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

I said yeah, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bma7un/i_went_to_the_doctors_with_hearing_problems_and/
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac...

are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked: "So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replied, "meow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bma6j5/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
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Little Johnny went to the Whorehouse

Little Johnny, about 7 years old, is on his way to a whorehouse. Once he gets there, he goes to the Madame and speaks to her
Johnny: Hey there Miss. I would like a hooker, please
Madame: I'm sorry little boy. you look way too young to come here. What's your phone number? I think your parents should come pick you up.
Johnny: No ma'am. I want a hooker
Madame: I can't let you. you're way too young
So they start arguing for a few minutes until Johnny reaches into his pocket and grabs a fat wad of cash. The madame thinks about it for a few seconds and then relents.
Madame: OK fine. Let me get a lineup and you can pick out the one you want to have fun with
Johnny: Don't worry about that, I got it all figured out. I want a girl with diseases.
Madame: I have a girl with diseases, but i don't think you want her. Let me get a lineup and you can get one of my good girls
So they argue again for a few minutes until Johnny pulls out another, even larger wad of cash. The madame has to think about this a little longer but eventually relents
Madame: OK fine. I'll take you to Jenny's room and you can have fun with her
Johnny: Great, thanks!
So Johnny goes to Jenny's room, does his thing and then comes down a few minutes later. Before he could leave, the madame stops him
Madame: Why were you so hell-bent on getting a girl with diseases?
Johnny: Well when I get home, mommy and daddy are going on a date night. The babysitter will come over, molest me and get the diseases.
When mommy and daddy get home, daddy will take the baby sitter home, fuck her and daddy will get the diseases. When daddy gets home, mommy and daddy are gonna fuck and mommy will get the diseases. Tomorrow, when daddy is at work, mommy will fuck the mailman and the mailman will get the diseases AND THAT MOTHER FUCKER RAN OVER MY PET TURTLE. HE'S GONNA GET WHAT'S COMING TO HIM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm9z2n/little_johnny_went_to_the_whorehouse/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm9uu7/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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How are bats like real-estate agents?

It’s all echo-location location location

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm9s1d/how_are_bats_like_realestate_agents/
%
My friends laughed at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.

They are so supportive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm9pg6/my_friends_laughed_at_me_when_i_told_them_i/
%
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm9on8/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
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What’s it called when you take someone literally instead of figuratively?

A kidnapping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm9icx/whats_it_called_when_you_take_someone_literally/
%
What does the W in Flint, Michigan stand for?

Water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm9hbb/what_does_the_w_in_flint_michigan_stand_for/
%
I went to a feminist picnic the other day

Nearly starved to death, nobody made any sandwiches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm9eu2/i_went_to_a_feminist_picnic_the_other_day/
%
What do you do when a rock misbehaves?

You hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm9dr3/what_do_you_do_when_a_rock_misbehaves/
%
How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?

Just enough to get Bi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm9d1j/how_much_sex_does_a_person_who_likes_both_men_and/
%
Me: My dog ate my homework

Comp science professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Comp science professor:
Me: It took him a couple of bytes..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm98i0/me_my_dog_ate_my_homework/
%
Husband: Why are the torn condoms laying all over the sitting room?

Wife: What? Where?
She rushes to the sitting room, then comes back angry and tells the husband,
"I told you to stop calling the children torn condoms!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm94nt/husband_why_are_the_torn_condoms_laying_all_over/
%
A new bakery is just opened when suddenly a man runs in,

screaming from the top of his lungs:
"I f\*cked your mom!"
The man runs out as fast as he came in leaving a visibly annoyed baker. The rest of the day works out fine but come the next day, right about the same time as the day before, the same man runs in. Again, from the top of his lungs screaming:
"I f\*cked your mom!"
The baker is now clearly furious but before he can utter a single word the man is gone. The next day, being slightly more alert, the baker spots the man running up to his shop again. He storms in and yells:
"I f\*cke......." but before he could finish the baker interrupts him and yells: "Shut up! You're embarrassing us both dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm93pt/a_new_bakery_is_just_opened_when_suddenly_a_man/
%
What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little.  (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm8ywl/what_do_i_know_about_bonsai_trees/
%
What do you call a child with Iodine deficiency?

Chld.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm8yhr/what_do_you_call_a_child_with_iodine_deficiency/
%
Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm8wbd/where_do_you_find_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
What's the difference between the first honeymoon and the second?

First honeymoon, Niagara.
Second honeymoon, Viagra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm8sjy/whats_the_difference_between_the_first_honeymoon/
%
What's the difference between sexy and kinky?

Using a feather is sexy. Kinky is using the whole damn chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm8n3n/whats_the_difference_between_sexy_and_kinky/
%
Why are so many Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars Fords?

So kids can get used to pushing them at an early age

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm8h9k/why_are_so_many_matchbox_and_hot_wheels_cars_fords/
%
What do you call a heartless thief

A redditor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm8cls/what_do_you_call_a_heartless_thief/
%
What do you call a heartless thief

A redditor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm8bzg/what_do_you_call_a_heartless_thief/
%
What do you call all the pasta that you haven’t eaten yet?

Futura

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm86n0/what_do_you_call_all_the_pasta_that_you_havent/
%
Why is calcium vital in the brass instruments manufacturing industry?

because calcium helps build trombones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm7zl0/why_is_calcium_vital_in_the_brass_instruments/
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No shirt no shoes no service

I've been lied to my entire life. I walked into 7-11 naked and my phone still worked just fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm7ytl/no_shirt_no_shoes_no_service/
%
If you're questioning your sexuality...

...you probably aren't thinking straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm7xsm/if_youre_questioning_your_sexuality/
%
A student gets called into the teacher’s office

Teacher: “Do you know why I called you here today?”
Student: “No.”
Teacher: “It’s because you cheated on the last test.”
Student: “How could you possibly know that?”
Teacher: “Well, for starters, on the last question Sam wrote ‘I don’t know.’ On your paper, you wrote ‘‘Me either’.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm7tkz/a_student_gets_called_into_the_teachers_office/
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The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm7qpl/the_programmers_wife_tells_him_run_to_the_store/
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm7niy/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
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What’s the difference between a vagina and a cunt?

I’ve never seen a vagina wearing a pair of crocs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm7ju4/whats_the_difference_between_a_vagina_and_a_cunt/
%
Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm7ilj/can_you_believe_marijuana_is_still_illegal_in/
%
A guy knocks at someone's door

A little boy opens the door and says "Hello"
"Hello! Young man, is your mother at home?"
"Yes she is"
"Can I talk to her?"
"I don't know"
"Can you tell her to come here?"
"Yes but I don't think she'll be here in less than 30 minutes"
"I thought you said your mother was at home"
"She is, but we don't live here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm7e0c/a_guy_knocks_at_someones_door/
%
An american, an australian and a russian walk into a bar...

They sit down and each of them order a beer.
The American picks up his gun, spins it on his finger and shoots off the top of his beer, and says: «My name is Bill, Hillbilly Bill.”
The Australian nods impressed by the american, but then he picks up his boomerang and throws it.
After a few seconds it comes back and knocks off the top of his beer, and he proceeds and says: “My name is Bill, Crocodile Bill.”
The Russian looks to his right and left anxiously. He then gets their attention and stands up, he pulls his pants down and reveal he has two penises.... The American and Australian look confused. He then proceeds by saying: “My name is Byl, Cherno Byl.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm7cth/an_american_an_australian_and_a_russian_walk_into/
%
A blonde walks into a bar...

...rubs her head and says "ouch!'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm74qq/a_blonde_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Circumcision is popular because..

Jewish girls won't touch anything that is not 50 percent off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm734w/circumcision_is_popular_because/
%
What do dyslexic zombies want?

BRRRRRIANNNNSSS!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm72qr/what_do_dyslexic_zombies_want/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They are efficient and not funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm71jz/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.
Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.
He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm71em/a_guy_is_stranded_on_an_island_with_only_a/
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What's one thing that will always give you butterflies no matter what?

Caterpillars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm71d9/whats_one_thing_that_will_always_give_you/
%
What’s the difference between a mosquito and a hooker?

The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm6zoq/whats_the_difference_between_a_mosquito_and_a/
%
How did they get the name Canada?

They drew letters out of a hat. "C", eh? "N", eh?. "D", eh?
Its an oldie but a goodie, don't know the original credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm6wxy/how_did_they_get_the_name_canada/
%
I remember when my mom used to tuck me in.

She really wanted a daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm6vod/i_remember_when_my_mom_used_to_tuck_me_in/
%
How do Canadians reproduce?

Ehsexually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm6vf7/how_do_canadians_reproduce/
%
A Jewish mother goes on a flight

The plane takes off. After a while she stands up and ask loudly: “is there a doctor in this plane?”
A man comes quickly and say: “I’m a doctor, what happened?”
The woman replies: “would you like to meet my daughter?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm6pum/a_jewish_mother_goes_on_a_flight/
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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm6mt6/two_nuns_sister_catherine_and_sister_helen_are/
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A northern man goes on a date with a southern woman during his vacation to the south.

Southerner: What do you and your friends do in your free time?
Northerner: We love to play the well known game called Club Penguin. Our favorite activity is to spend hours together on the iceberg.
Southerner: I play Club Penguin too!
As the two people from different regions of the world talk more, they come to realize they have a lot more in common than they initially thought. However, when the northerner is getting ready to leave back to his hotel, his expression turns into a sad one.
Northerner: Unfortunately, I soon have to go home. I will never be able to speak to you again.
Southerner: Oh! That's alright. Just add me on Discord, and we can use video chat!
Northerner: I don't have Internet connection.
\*This is my first attempt at an OP. Please don't hit me hard ;)\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm6kps/a_northern_man_goes_on_a_date_with_a_southern/
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Why is Martin Short?

So he can lick Steve Martin’s tall boy without bending over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm6guk/why_is_martin_short/
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The lgbt+ community should thank me!

Because I made all people i‘m dating gay......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm6e4w/the_lgbt_community_should_thank_me/
%
I don't do cocaine

but I do really like how it smells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm6bgj/i_dont_do_cocaine/
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3 bullets

I don't know if you guys have heard this joke. But here it goes...
There was once a woman who was pregnant with triplets. Unfortunately, one day a burglar came, armed with a gun came into the house and demanded all the cash but they didn't have any to give at hand. The burglar got angry and shot the lady in the stomach thrice... The husband managed to shoo the burglar later and the wife was rushed to a hospital. Nothing serious had happened except the doctor said "You'll be fine but your three kids have three bullets in them which will they will poop out eventually after an age". Forward 10 years, the eldest kid comes screaming "Mom! I pooped a BULLET!". They had told the children about the incident then. And a few days later, the middle child comes "MOM! Even I pooped a bullet!!". And all were relieved, now only the third child remained... One fine day he shouted "MOM!!", the parents got eager and went to him "Did you finally poop the bullet?". He stood there in horror and replied "I masturbated and shot the dog".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm6820/3_bullets/
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With all the sexual impropriety charges happening recently...

I have my hand sign a consent form before I masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm67k7/with_all_the_sexual_impropriety_charges_happening/
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What do you call two crows on a branch?

Attempted murder.
What do you call a male human's response to this joke?
Man'slaughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm64n7/what_do_you_call_two_crows_on_a_branch/
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What Do You Call A Black Person Flying a Plane?

A Pilot, You Racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm64fn/what_do_you_call_a_black_person_flying_a_plane/
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I like my slaves like I like my coffee

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm63z8/i_like_my_slaves_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A homeless man

meets a rich businessman and tells him:
"I wish I were in your shoes"
"Why's that? Do you know how stressful my life is?"
"Well, at least you don't have holes in your shoes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm61xm/a_homeless_man/
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I asked a cannibal for some dating advice

He said that after you've got to know them, take them home and make them a meal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm61sg/i_asked_a_cannibal_for_some_dating_advice/
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What do you call a vampire that sucks cocks?

Ejacula.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm60p9/what_do_you_call_a_vampire_that_sucks_cocks/
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I ran into your mom in Baltimore and she gave me a present...

Real Maryland Crabs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm5z9k/i_ran_into_your_mom_in_baltimore_and_she_gave_me/
%
Why was the builder also good at tech support?

He could install Windows really well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm5ycg/why_was_the_builder_also_good_at_tech_support/
%
A man and his son are walking by a recycling center when the son notices how forlorn all the workers seem to be.

“Dad, why do they all look so down?”
“Son, you would be too if you had to smash pop cans all day long. It’s soda pressing.”
Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm5x7e/a_man_and_his_son_are_walking_by_a_recycling/
%
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig

The letter F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm5sjk/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
I was recently fired as a mechanic

I could not believe it, they called me a thief. Even though it expressly says in the contract that I am allowed to take brakes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm5sea/i_was_recently_fired_as_a_mechanic/
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My girlfriend doesn’t like my job...

...because we test our products on animals.  She’s got a point, I suppose.
I work in a hammer factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm5s3j/my_girlfriend_doesnt_like_my_job/
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Sometimes i like to hide my wife inhalers,

So the neighbours think i'm a stallion in bed,
when they hear her panting and gasping
"give it to me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm5pg9/sometimes_i_like_to_hide_my_wife_inhalers/
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What is Thanoes favorite drink?

Snapple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm5os5/what_is_thanoes_favorite_drink/
%
At the pharmacy with my son we walked passed the condoms

He asks
"What are those for?" Pointing to a 3 pack.
I said "that's for high school bub, 1 for Friday night, one for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday morning."
"What about those dad?" Pointing to a 6pack.
"That's for college son. 2 Friday, 2 Saturday and 2 Sunday."
"Well what's that 12 pack for dad?"
"Son that's for when you're married. 1 for January,  1 for February,  1 for March...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm5ndh/at_the_pharmacy_with_my_son_we_walked_passed_the/
%
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair

Fuzzy Wuzzy's matches on Grindr were pretty disappointed by this discrepancy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm5hcn/fuzzy_wuzzy_was_a_bear_fuzzy_wuzzy_had_no_hair/
%
R*pe joke

A rope walks into a bar
Bartender: We don't serve your kind here
The rope goes out, twists itself up, spikes his hair and goes in again
Bartender: Aren't you the same guy from minutes before?
Rope: No, I'm a frayed knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm5h3i/rpe_joke/
%
I told my wife I'd buy her something that goes fro 0 - 200 in 4 seconds...

... I bought her a weighing scale... She wasn't too excited!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm5epl/i_told_my_wife_id_buy_her_something_that_goes_fro/
%
This furniture store keeps emailing me

all I wanted was one night stand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm56gi/this_furniture_store_keeps_emailing_me/
%
3 women are sat at a bar

They're having a conversation about how loose they are
The first says "I could fit a sausage up mine"
The second says "Only a sausage? I could fit a cucumber up there"
The third slides down the bar stool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm53jq/3_women_are_sat_at_a_bar/
%
My friends always ask why i never buy velcro.

It's a total rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm4zqd/my_friends_always_ask_why_i_never_buy_velcro/
%
No matter how kind you are

German kids will always be kinder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm4xzq/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm4xrn/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Take most Ford and most Dodge models...now put the word Anal in front of the model name

Anal charger, Anal challenger, Anal expedition, Anal Fiesta...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm4wup/take_most_ford_and_most_dodge_modelsnow_put_the/
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If I had a dollar for every gender...

I’d have 2 and a lot of counterfeits.
(Edit: I Love how people are trying to murder me with words but, people who have upvoted downvoted their comments so I can’t see them. 😂)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm4vle/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
Can you name the villain from The Jungle Book?

...because I Shere Khan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm4keo/can_you_name_the_villain_from_the_jungle_book/
%
I told my friend my small bucket was sick.

“How do you know?” He asked. I replied, “It’s looking pail.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm4g4z/i_told_my_friend_my_small_bucket_was_sick/
%
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

So in reality, that children's zoo is really overreacting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm4fsu/explaining_a_joke_is_like_dissecting_a_frog/
%
Acne is better than Priest

because acne waits for puberty before coming on kid's face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm4emc/acne_is_better_than_priest/
%
Why don't blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm49ps/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
%
What does Spinach and Anal have in common?

If you’re forced to have it as a child you’ll hate it as a grown up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm48ik/what_does_spinach_and_anal_have_in_common/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm47ha/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_on/
%
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.

How did she find out the password to my computer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm4737/i_found_some_internet_history_from_my_wife_on_my/
%
Stuttering man released from prison early..

He could not finish his sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm45kn/stuttering_man_released_from_prison_early/
%
A Christian couple have a baby

Miraculously, when the baby is delivered it starts talking to the midwives. The vicar present points to the baby and cries joyously, "Look! The Father hath come unto this child!" The baby looks at the vicar annoyed and says, "Tell me about it, you'd think they could have waited till I was out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm454o/a_christian_couple_have_a_baby/
%
What does the German engineer call his very small bicycle?

His microfarad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm44be/what_does_the_german_engineer_call_his_very_small/
%
When is a car not a car anymore?

When it turns into a driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm42cs/when_is_a_car_not_a_car_anymore/
%
On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm3y41/on_her_death_bed_the_last_words_that_my_grandma/
%
Adolf Hitler and my wife have the same birthday. It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people...

Shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm3ukc/adolf_hitler_and_my_wife_have_the_same_birthday/
%
John is having a bad day.

He went to button his shirt and the button fell off.
He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off.
He went to open the door and the door knob fell off.
Now he’s afraid to pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm3t5g/john_is_having_a_bad_day/
%
What game do octopuses play at Hogwarts?

Squiddich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm3r51/what_game_do_octopuses_play_at_hogwarts/
%
What did the chromosome say to his sister when she slammed the door on his toe

Ow my-toe-sis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm3ppr/what_did_the_chromosome_say_to_his_sister_when/
%
The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm3p9r/the_new_royal_baby_has_already_done_three_of_the/
%
I invented the sandal for one legged people.

It was a flop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm3m47/i_invented_the_sandal_for_one_legged_people/
%
Why dont Minecraft players have sex?

Its illegal to fuck a miner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm3hfp/why_dont_minecraft_players_have_sex/
%
I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.
I was a complete mess.
I was broke and my body was ruined.
But fuck me, what a night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm3hby/i_remember_when_i_first_started_using_drugs_i_was/
%
Why do old people read the Bible so much?

They are trying to study for finals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm391t/why_do_old_people_read_the_bible_so_much/
%
I accidentally got rice in my headphone jack

**Now all my music sounds Grainy**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm37ex/i_accidentally_got_rice_in_my_headphone_jack/
%
Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?

He doesn't have a seoul..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm37ay/why_is_kim_jong_un_so_cruel/
%
Donald Trump meets with the Queen.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"  "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."  Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"  The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."  The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"  Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?"  The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"  Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."  "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.  Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.  "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"  "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."  Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.  Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?  General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"  Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.  "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."  Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm36np/donald_trump_meets_with_the_queen/
%
I was supposed to go an a date with someone in a wheelchair

But I thought I’d give her the opportunity to be stood up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm344d/i_was_supposed_to_go_an_a_date_with_someone_in_a/
%
A Navy man, a Army man and an Airforce man try to figure out who is the best soldier ...

Army man starts: "I once jumped out of an aircraft 30 feet above ground and ran 5 miles to our camp."
Navy man: "That's nothing. I once jumped out of an aircraft 60 feet above the ocean and swam 10 miles to our camp."
Airforce man: "I once flew an aircaft to our camp, landed it safely unloaded alone 15 tonns of supplies, prepared a bbq and waited 4 houres for my friends, who jumped out of my aircraft crying like babys when we had minor turbulences.
Who wants a second helping of spareribs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm33yb/a_navy_man_a_army_man_and_an_airforce_man_try_to/
%
Today a 12 yo kid came to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?"

I can't believe it. Kids nowadays are so polite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm2snw/today_a_12_yo_kid_came_to_me_and_said_may_i/
%
My cousins once got married.

It was awkward - someone asked if I was family of the bride or groom.
I said, "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm2oyf/my_cousins_once_got_married/
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A wife who's husband is dead is called a widow. A husband, however is called:

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm2lb0/a_wife_whos_husband_is_dead_is_called_a_widow_a/
%
How do you start an Ethiopian rave?

Nail food to the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm2joe/how_do_you_start_an_ethiopian_rave/
%
Hamsters are like cigarettes

Completely harmless - until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm2i8q/hamsters_are_like_cigarettes/
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To the guy who stole my antidepressants.

I hope you're happy now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm2huo/to_the_guy_who_stole_my_antidepressants/
%
A woman enters a shop

She tells the shop assistant:
" I want to try on that dress in the window please."
Shop assistant:
"I'm sorry, ma'am, you'll have to try it on in the changing room like everyone else"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm2gof/a_woman_enters_a_shop/
%
A blonde wants to smoke a cigarette

. It is 3am. But there is no electricity in the house. She searches for her lighter in the darkness for some time but to no avail. At last, disheartened, she blows out her candle and goes to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm2dwv/a_blonde_wants_to_smoke_a_cigarette/
%
A girl with no arms or legs is sitting my a wharf

A man notices that she is crying and asks "why are you crying?"
She replies "I've never been hugged"
So the man gives her a hug.
She is still crying so the man asks "why are you still crying?"
She replies "I've never been kissed"
So the man kisses her.
She's still crying so the man asks "why are you still crying?"
She replies "I've never been fucked"
So the man picks her up and throws her in the water.
"Now you're fucked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm22op/a_girl_with_no_arms_or_legs_is_sitting_my_a_wharf/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bust stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and one's busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm1v9x/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bust_stop/
%
My boss is a doctor. He gave me three months to live.

But then said I had to get back to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm1uge/my_boss_is_a_doctor_he_gave_me_three_months_to/
%
I have a Polish friend who works as a sound technician

And a Czech one too, Czech one too, Czech one too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm1s0m/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_works_as_a_sound/
%
My friend has a job circumcising elephants.

The pay isn't that great, but the tips were huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm1qmx/my_friend_has_a_job_circumcising_elephants/
%
My Professor asked “what’s the advantage of sexual reproduction?”

“Fuck if I know”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm1n2e/my_professor_asked_whats_the_advantage_of_sexual/
%
A Japanese sword master is demonstrating a new move to his students.

"There is fly in room", he says, "I will now put on blindfold and slash it with sword".
As his students watch on, he suddenly performs one swift stroke of his blade, takes off his blindfold and bows to his students.
"I'm confused", says one of his students, "Fly is still buzzing around room."
The master replies, "That is true, Haruto-san, but now fly no longer have children."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm1l5h/a_japanese_sword_master_is_demonstrating_a_new/
%
A woman calls a man’s penis a joke

The man then begins savagely raping her and she says, “This joke feels a little forced”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm1i4q/a_woman_calls_a_mans_penis_a_joke/
%
University students regularly complain about the increasing cost of their tuition and standard of living but never mention the costs that are actually decreasing

Like the cost of employing University graduates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm1gy1/university_students_regularly_complain_about_the/
%
A Genie granted me one wish, a bigger dick or better memory

What was I talking about again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm14b1/a_genie_granted_me_one_wish_a_bigger_dick_or/
%
A pregnant woman goes into a coma.

When she wakes up months later, she's no longer pregnant.
"You had twins! A girl and a boy," The nurse exclaims. "Your brother named them."
"What did he name the girl?" The woman asks.
"Denise."
"That's alright, I like Denise. And the boy?"
"Denephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm13r5/a_pregnant_woman_goes_into_a_coma/
%
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm113d/at_one_point_during_a_game_the_coach_said_to_one/
%
Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm0wuo/q_is_showing_james_bond_a_new_super_high_tech_spy/
%
A man once dated a woman with a twin...

The twins got it into their minds that they could switch places and he would end up having sex unknowingly with her twin.
One night he’s in bed and she turns off the light to make it harder for him to realize their trick. She makes up a last minute excuse to leave the room and a minute or two late he hears what he assumes is her coming back into the room and climbing into bed.
They start making out and end up having incredible sex. At some point in the night they switched back.
He woke up next to his girlfriend and she smiled, asking if he enjoyed “our sex”. He explained to her he’d been onto them the whole time and that he knew it wasn’t her from the very start.
She looked at him shocked and asked how he knew.
He said, “your hands are smaller than his.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm0oh2/a_man_once_dated_a_woman_with_a_twin/
%
Did you hear about the boy born without eyelids?

The doctors used his foreskin as eyelids instead....
They say he’ll be cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm0mkd/did_you_hear_about_the_boy_born_without_eyelids/
%
A Horse Walks Into A Bar

And the Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
To which the horse replies
"My Alcohol Addiction is destroying my family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm0lig/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.
Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, Thanos shot a burst of energy at Steve, but luckily it was deflected by Iron Man in the nick of time.
Hulk jumped in and with his monstrous strength tried to repel the titan, but empowered with the power of the sun, Thanos shook him away easily, nearly burning him to a crisp in the process.
Steve looked and at Tony and spoke, "We can't win at the moment. Not when he has the power of a god AND an Infinity Stone."
"Cap, you take this toddler god and go somewhere where Thanos can't find you."
Captain America spoke over the comms to inform the rest of the Avengers of the plan.
"Hey, I'll hide Ra!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm0l7v/the_avengers_were_on_a_mission_to_save_the/
%
What do you call a smoking piece with nothing in it?

DMT Pipe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm0f3b/what_do_you_call_a_smoking_piece_with_nothing_in/
%
An American Businessman in China goes to a whorehouse

An american businessman goes to a whorehouse in China while on a work trip. He gets into a room with a girl, and begins, and immediately the girl cries "Cuò dòng!"
The man takes this as a sign that he is doing good, so he continues, this time more forcefully. Again the girl cries "Cuò dòng!!!" a little louder this time.
The man thinks that he is on fire, so he continues even more forcefully before climaxing. The girl screams "CUÒ DÒNG!!!"
The next day the man goes out to play golf with some japanese business associates. From the night before the man feels like he is on top of the world. Suddenly, on the last hole, he scores a hole in one! Feeling amazing, he screams "CUÒ DÒNG!!!"
The chinese businessmen look at him confused, before asking "What do you mean wrong hole?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm0eo1/an_american_businessman_in_china_goes_to_a/
%
What do you get when you pour coffee into a black hole?

Hyperspace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm0czc/what_do_you_get_when_you_pour_coffee_into_a_black/
%
To get to the other side.

Why did the time travelling chicken cross the road?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm0c4z/to_get_to_the_other_side/
%
I asked my girlfriend today if I was the only one she's been with

She said "Yes the others were atleast 7s"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bm01jc/i_asked_my_girlfriend_today_if_i_was_the_only_one/
%
What do you call a person with their hand 3 feet up a horses ass?

An Amish mechanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blzzhd/what_do_you_call_a_person_with_their_hand_3_feet/
%
Meet girl in a park

It is good to meet girl in a park.
But it is better to park meat in a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blzrc0/meet_girl_in_a_park/
%
The new French tanks have 14 gears...

13 to go in reverse and 1 to go in forward in-case the enemy attacks from behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blzqtt/the_new_french_tanks_have_14_gears/
%
They thought I had Alzheimer's but then all my memories came back

My doctor said I reached the point of know return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blzng7/they_thought_i_had_alzheimers_but_then_all_my/
%
I got fired from the keyboard factory.

I didn’t put in enough shifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blzj8r/i_got_fired_from_the_keyboard_factory/
%
What is a computer programmer’s favorite book?

A dictionary, because it defines variables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blze1u/what_is_a_computer_programmers_favorite_book/
%
Look I don’t know who this “Rorschach” guy is

But he’s got some nerve painting my parents fighting so often

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blzap5/look_i_dont_know_who_this_rorschach_guy_is/
%
Earlier my friend was saying that I don’t understand irony

Which is pretty ironic considering we were at the movies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blz8o7/earlier_my_friend_was_saying_that_i_dont/
%
Crocs and blow jobs

Crocs are like getting a blow job by a guy. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blz3aw/crocs_and_blow_jobs/
%
Why are there no cats on mars?

Because curiosity killed them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blz0ov/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
%
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blyv7n/what_is_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop/
%
Why do platypuses get robbed so often?

Because they always have big bills on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blytsz/why_do_platypuses_get_robbed_so_often/
%
Did you hear about the crazy squirrel with a food fetish?

He was fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blyerh/did_you_hear_about_the_crazy_squirrel_with_a_food/
%
A man and his young son were at a zoo.

They stopped at the elephant exhibit, and the boy asked his father, "Dad, what's that?"
The man responded, "That's an elephant, son."
"No, the thing hanging down from the elephant."
"Oh.  That's the elephant's trunk."
"No, not the trunk.  On the other side."
"Do you mean the tail?"
"No, no, between its legs."
"Oh.  That's the elephant's penis, son."
"When I asked mommy what it was, she said it was nothing."
"Son," the man sighed, "I have *spoiled* that woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blydxm/a_man_and_his_young_son_were_at_a_zoo/
%
I identify as Giantkin.

My pronouns are Phe/Phi/Pho/Phum and i'd like you to respect them please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blyd4o/i_identify_as_giantkin/
%
How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blycv7/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
An old pilot sat down in a coffee shop and ordered a cup of coffee

.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blya2g/an_old_pilot_sat_down_in_a_coffee_shop_and/
%
My mom tried to convince me not to shoot myself

But you know how it is - In one ear, out the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bly5uq/my_mom_tried_to_convince_me_not_to_shoot_myself/
%
The devil is showing the new arrivals around hell

The devil shows them all the different torture devices, they use the crime the people committed on earth to sort them into which punishment they get.
They hear screams coming from behind a doorway. The devil opens it and shows them people getting killed over and over. "These are the people that committed a murder" he says. 2 people leave the group and enter the room.
They then walk up to a door, with people screaming and begging behind it. "These are the people that committed terrible acts of violence" he says. Inside, they see people like Hitler being tortured, he is being gassed for the rest of time. 1 person leaves the group and walks in.
They walk up to the final door, with many people still left in the group. Inside they hear people screaming, begging and crying to "Make it stop" The group wonders what could possibly be worse than the other two rooms. He opens it up and inside are people surrounded by crowds being told the same jokes over and over. "And this room is for all the people that repost jokes on reddit, welcome to hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bly52o/the_devil_is_showing_the_new_arrivals_around_hell/
%
Why can’t Crocodiles ever admit that they’re wrong?

Cause they live in Da Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bly10f/why_cant_crocodiles_ever_admit_that_theyre_wrong/
%
So my sister told me to get her something hard to write on... then she got really mad at me

Thought sand would be pretty hard to write on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blxytp/so_my_sister_told_me_to_get_her_something_hard_to/
%
I served an old man at the bar the other day.

He made me privy to a conversation he had just had with his wife.  He asked her, "If I died, would you remarry?"
His wife replied, "Well...maybe, but no guarantees".
"You can't go through life lonely", he said.  "I think you should.  But would you live in our house together?"
"Well", said his wife, "It *is* already paid for.  It would be wasteful not to."
"Well, what about our bed", the man said.  "Would you sleep in our bed together?"
"Oh, it's just furniture, dear.  Besides, I like it, and it reminds me of you.  So yes, I think we would."
The old man told me he was fine with all that, but he had to ask her one more question.  "What about my golf clubs?  Would you let him use those?"
"Oh no, of course not", she said.  "He's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blxt4g/i_served_an_old_man_at_the_bar_the_other_day/
%
Today is a perfect day

I rate it 5/7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blxqr2/today_is_a_perfect_day/
%
Do I ever fail to satisfy my girlfriend sexually?

A small part of me says yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blxqce/do_i_ever_fail_to_satisfy_my_girlfriend_sexually/
%
A man goes down on his wife...

During the act he realizes that he has a dentist appointment, which he is already late for. He runs into the bathroom to check if his teeth are clean enough. Everything seems fine until he sees a little hair stuck between his two front teeth. Unable to pull it out, he cuts it off from both sides hoping the dentist won’t notice it.
At the dentist, the dentist does the usual check up.
Dentist: “3MOD, 5DO, 13MFD”
Until he pauses and says:
“Ahh, I see you had fun with your wife earlier before!”
The man looks embarrassed and asks:
“Why? Can you see the hair between my teeth? I tried to cut it off as good possible.”
Dentist: “No, but you have shit on your chin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blxksm/a_man_goes_down_on_his_wife/
%
Hey, you see that mushroom over there?

You should date him, he's a Fungi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blxgz1/hey_you_see_that_mushroom_over_there/
%
The internet is like being a parent.

Your mistakes remain visible forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blxglt/the_internet_is_like_being_a_parent/
%
What's the difference between my Fitbit and my girlfriend?

My Fitbit never gets disappointed in me after it says "I'm almost there!" and then i come up short

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blxcj6/whats_the_difference_between_my_fitbit_and_my/
%
A police officer knocks on a doors

(Door opens)
Police officer: Hi there, there’s been a major incident and I’m asking around looking for leads...
Man: Leeds?! Nah mate you’re miles off, follow the M1 all the way up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blx80n/a_police_officer_knocks_on_a_doors/
%
1960s Batman Phase (Original Joke Fight Me Reposters)

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it. So he decided he will just make the movie but instead of using the character's real names he would just take away the last letter of their names. Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting crime all over the city. Near the end of the movie, though, Batma is supposed to go into the criminal base and find his archnemesis there. The filming starts, and Batma bursts through the door to the base. As he looked around, though, he made a confused expression and said "Where is the Joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blx7j5/1960s_batman_phase_original_joke_fight_me/
%
In a town as small as ours, you don't get divorced...

You take turns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blx5za/in_a_town_as_small_as_ours_you_dont_get_divorced/
%
I don’t like to make fun of Hitler

I don’t think joking about suicidal people is funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blx4fh/i_dont_like_to_make_fun_of_hitler/
%
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blx1t1/what_do_a_nearsighted_gynecologist_and_a_puppy/
%
In Canada, you are more likely to be killed by a kick of a moose than by a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blx115/in_canada_you_are_more_likely_to_be_killed_by_a/
%
Why do planes hide at the airport

To hide in plane sight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blwz8x/why_do_planes_hide_at_the_airport/
%
I was fired from the keyboard factory

I didn't put in enough shifts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blwy4n/i_was_fired_from_the_keyboard_factory/
%
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blwv96/doctor_handing_me_my_new_born_baby_im_sorry_but/
%
(My 4yr old told me this one.) Why do you go to bed?

Because the bed won't come to you!
Silly, but coming from her it got me laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blwr8n/my_4yr_old_told_me_this_one_why_do_you_go_to_bed/
%
My diet plan has finally paid off! I have the body of a super hero now...

I have the body of Thor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blwpcl/my_diet_plan_has_finally_paid_off_i_have_the_body/
%
The other day I saw a big-breasted bikini barista working in a coffee stand

So I pull into the drive through and order a small coffee, just as an excuse to get a closer look at her 36DD boobs.  She hands me the coffee & says "That'll be $9!"
Shocked I asked her why it costs so much.  She shrugged & responded "All drink prices are based on cup size."
I replied, "Well have someone with smaller tits redo my drink.  $9 is a lot of money for a small coffee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blwncy/the_other_day_i_saw_a_bigbreasted_bikini_barista/
%
Why do they have to specify that it's a "man's dress" or a "man's skirt"?

To let everyone know it has real pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blwmg9/why_do_they_have_to_specify_that_its_a_mans_dress/
%
Baby names

A couple is visiting another couple's house for the first time. They walk into the living room and are introduced to their daughter "Peaches" who is sitting politely.
"How did you think of the name Peaches?" the visitors ask. They answer that it was the first thing she would eat after milk.
Another child walks in and greets them, "hello sir and mam, my name is Peas". The visitors say hi and ask, "How did you get the name Peas?" The child responds that it was the first thing he would eat after milk.
At that moment, a third child stumbles downstairs mumbling and runs right past them into the kitchen. The hosts yell, "Paint Chips, come over here and greet our guests!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blwjjq/baby_names/
%
A cartoonist was murdered in his apartment last night.

The details are sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blwj8t/a_cartoonist_was_murdered_in_his_apartment_last/
%
Today I spotted an albino dalmatian.

Now everyone will be able to tell it's a dalmatian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blwj7e/today_i_spotted_an_albino_dalmatian/
%
Mountains are not funny

They are hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blwie9/mountains_are_not_funny/
%
Where do horses go when they break their leg?

The *horse*\-pital!
Just kidding, they get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blwgif/where_do_horses_go_when_they_break_their_leg/
%
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke

should get a no bell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blwg3v/whoever_invented_the_knockknock_joke/
%
What do you hear if you take a construction worker's hat off and hold it to your ear?

The OSHA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blwbzx/what_do_you_hear_if_you_take_a_construction/
%
Get that summer Super Saiyan look in 3 easy steps!

1. Bleach
2. Samurai Shampoo
3. Neon Genesis Hairgelion
>!sorry for the low quality pun on the last one - came up with this in the car!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blw7uk/get_that_summer_super_saiyan_look_in_3_easy_steps/
%
Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver

All that money with nothing to chauffeur it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blw71n/just_paid_350_on_a_limo_but_found_out_it_didnt/
%
Why do influencers always carry a pencil?

To draw attention

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blw6vf/why_do_influencers_always_carry_a_pencil/
%
What do Barcelona FC and a dog walker with Parkinson's have in common?

Neither of them can hold a lead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blw430/what_do_barcelona_fc_and_a_dog_walker_with/
%
What do gay muslims get when they come out of the closet?

Hanged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blw0do/what_do_gay_muslims_get_when_they_come_out_of_the/
%
Pete the serial flasher was thinking of retiring -

- but he's gonna stick it out for another year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blvvr5/pete_the_serial_flasher_was_thinking_of_retiring/
%
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blvrai/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_guys_sitting_on/
%
Love is grand

, divorce is a hundred grand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blvr90/love_is_grand/
%
During a math lesson, the teacher asks, “If 5 birds are sitting on a fence and a rancher shoots one of them, how many are left on the fence?”

Johnny raises his hand and replies, “None. The other birds will fly away.”
The teacher laughs and exclaims, “While I appreciate the way you think, Johnny, the answer is 4.”
Johnny then asks, “Ok then. If three women are all eating an ice cream cone. One is biting the cone, the other is licking the ice cream and the third is sucking the ice cream, which one is married.
“The one sucking the ice cream?” Guesses the teacher.
“No, it’s the one wearing a wedding ring, but I appreciate the way you think.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blvpcb/during_a_math_lesson_the_teacher_asks_if_5_birds/
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Why are unvaccinated kids always crying?

They're having a midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blvnkz/why_are_unvaccinated_kids_always_crying/
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I've been babysitting for many years, and I have finally learned the secret!

The biggest weakness of most children is fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blviq9/ive_been_babysitting_for_many_years_and_i_have/
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It has been proven that anti vaxers have a lower chance of autism

Unfortunately the main side effect is death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blvhjj/it_has_been_proven_that_anti_vaxers_have_a_lower/
%
I have ADD.

It stands for attention defici

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blv2eh/i_have_add/
%
Why was the airplane so happy?

Because it was flying high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bluz2o/why_was_the_airplane_so_happy/
%
What is it called when you have sex with your clone?

A doppelbänger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bluwh3/what_is_it_called_when_you_have_sex_with_your/
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting.
While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bluv2f/on_their_way_to_get_married_a_young_catholic/
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What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?

You slap her ass and tell her to get back to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blurv4/what_do_you_do_when_the_dishwasher_stops_working/
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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin. He then selected his most worn-out wand,and inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came out and cut the stick neatly in two.
'Merlin, you are a genius!' said King Arthur. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed before he returned to Camelot.
Upon arrival, he immediately assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each of them had an amputated little Johnny or was damaged in some way. All except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad', exclaimed King Arthur, 'The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
Sir Galahad was speechless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blui38/king_arthur_was_preparing_to_go_out_on_an/
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I am involved with a group that supports gastrointestinal awareness.

We call ourselves the bowel movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bluhci/i_am_involved_with_a_group_that_supports/
%
An old Russian communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all pensive and somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,
"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."
"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.
The Communist then turns to another friend.
"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."
"No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven" says Petya.
"Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day."
"Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace" says Misha.
"Thank you so much guys for being with me throughout all these years" says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon and a complete dick."
His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says.
"And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass."
Just as his friends were about to say something, the old communist took his last breath and died.
So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting:
"Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blueus/an_old_russian_communist_is_on_his_deathbed/
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A German tourist goes to France. The French immigration officer asks him

"Occupation"?
The German says "No, just visiting".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bludbv/a_german_tourist_goes_to_france_the_french/
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Who says sitting at home watching TV all day can't be rewarding?

In fact, I just got atrophy from it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blu8uv/who_says_sitting_at_home_watching_tv_all_day_cant/
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How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
It's cake day : )
A Gold also! Thank you very much!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blu3pe/how_many_emo_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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There's two things that never get old.

Dark humour and kids with cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blu1dj/theres_two_things_that_never_get_old/
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What do you call an injured gang member?

a *crip*ple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bltvxs/what_do_you_call_an_injured_gang_member/
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I said to a Lady at the bus stop, when is it due? She started shouting and swearing, I am not F*cking pregnant.

I replied, I was on about the bus you fat cow..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blts8h/i_said_to_a_lady_at_the_bus_stop_when_is_it_due/
%
How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A bucc-an-ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bltq29/how_much_does_a_pirate_pay_for_corn/
%
The wife wanted me to last longer in bed...

So I turned the alarm clock off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bltowh/the_wife_wanted_me_to_last_longer_in_bed/
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What kind of dinosaur avoids manual labour?

Mybakisaur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bltiz7/what_kind_of_dinosaur_avoids_manual_labour/
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Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic

So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les, give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts...
"I knew it. I'm not fucking going"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bltiqt/three_tortoises_mick_alan_and_les_decide_to_go_on/
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Where do poor Italians live?

In the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blt724/where_do_poor_italians_live/
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You’ve heard of Newton’s Law and Murphy’s Law, but do you know what Cole’s Law is?

Thinly sliced cabbage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blt0r1/youve_heard_of_newtons_law_and_murphys_law_but_do/
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A chemist walks into reddit

He does some research on certain posts and discovers that they are made up of atoms.
After some thought, he concludes that the posts at the top of r/all contain mostly hydrogen atoms, because hydrogen is the lightest element, so these posts naturally rise to the top. He decides to name these posts "H posts" (short for hydrogen posts).
Then, he concludes that posts at the bottom of r/all contain mostly uranium atoms, because uranium is the heaviest natural element, so these posts are naturally dragged to the bottom. He refers to these posts as "U posts".
The chemist then decides to walk into r/jokes. He quickly discovers that most of the top posts don't contain mostly hydrogen atoms, like in r/all. After some more research, he finds that many of the posts in r/jokes, not just the top ones, contain mostly rhenium atoms. So, he concludes that r/jokes is full of "Re posts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blt074/a_chemist_walks_into_reddit/
%
Two fish in a tank

One says to the other "you drive, I'll man the guns"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsz9s/two_fish_in_a_tank/
%
With climate change, income inequality, racism, xenophobia, religious extremists, war, and famine all around us, I often wonder what the world is coming to.

Then I check PornHub.
Turns out it’s stepsisters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsz86/with_climate_change_income_inequality_racism/
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I’m blind to race.

And in general.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsyqf/im_blind_to_race/
%
I try to only have sex with anti-vaxxers

Paying 5 years of child support beats the hell out of 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsvmo/i_try_to_only_have_sex_with_antivaxxers/
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Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blssdg/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
Why was the baby drop of ink crying?

Because his mom was in the pen, and he didn't know how long her sentence was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsr1x/why_was_the_baby_drop_of_ink_crying/
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What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsqft/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
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Why are the white guys the scariest guys in prison?

Because they are the guards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsnl6/why_are_the_white_guys_the_scariest_guys_in_prison/
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Shout out to my butthole...

for dealing with my shit everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsnbt/shout_out_to_my_butthole/
%
Ugh, French people are such cowards

I saved one and he just kept begging for mercy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsmye/ugh_french_people_are_such_cowards/
%
Im gonna tell some jokes about birthdays to this anti vax kid

But i guess he wont get many of them tbh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blskvb/im_gonna_tell_some_jokes_about_birthdays_to_this/
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Did you hear the joke William Barr told Congress?

It was really funny. He said >![This section of the joke has been removed to protect the reputation of third party individuals.]!< It was really one of the better jokes he had told.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsih9/did_you_hear_the_joke_william_barr_told_congress/
%
A doctor calls his patient.

Doctor says, "Your check came back."
Patient says, "So did my arthritis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsie2/a_doctor_calls_his_patient/
%
The son comes home with an ear piercing in his left ear. The father looks at him and says:

- Son, there are two types of men who have a earing.
Gays and pirates.
Now i'm gonna look out this window and you better hope i see a ship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsg8o/the_son_comes_home_with_an_ear_piercing_in_his/
%
They say if you hold a hard hat up to your ear...

You can really hear the osha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsbjr/they_say_if_you_hold_a_hard_hat_up_to_your_ear/
%
Russian guys buys a car, curtains, and a bed

A russian guy always dreamed of living in The UK, but he had a one problem.. he couldn't say a word in english.. so as a genius he was he decided that he will go to the shops, he will listen to  people calling and naming certain things and he'll call'em same.  So at the car shop he buys a car and hears somebody uses a word dick and calls his car - dick ...... at some other shop he needed curtains, so he heard someone say pants and called curtains pants. Same thing goes for bed. He heard underwear, thus he named his bed- underwear. Some days later he jumps out of his bed, open his curtains and sees that the car is missing. So he calls the police and says-- Privet (hello) I JUMPED OUT OF MY UNDERWEAR, OPEN MY PANTS AND SAW THAT MY DICK IS GONE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsas4/russian_guys_buys_a_car_curtains_and_a_bed/
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An old, blind cowboy walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to the barstool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediatley falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think its only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a profesional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blsa3y/an_old_blind_cowboy_walks_into_an_allgirl_biker/
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Buzzfeed

That’s it. That’s the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bls726/buzzfeed/
%
Why can’t 2 chinese people have a white baby?

cause 2 wongs don’t make a white

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bls2m0/why_cant_2_chinese_people_have_a_white_baby/
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I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a general in the army the last time he made love to a woman. The general stood tall and said, "1956, ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said, "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said, "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her confused and said, "Well, I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blrzvj/i_havent_had_sex_since_1956/
%
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there. "
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes. "
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me?
I'm the blind man. "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork. "
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says,
"That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief,the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife:
"Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man. "
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you. "
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blrydd/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_and_sits_down/
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I just got dumped by a communist.

She said, "It's not you, it's we."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blrxeu/i_just_got_dumped_by_a_communist/
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I went to a fan convention

It was very interesting with a large range of fans, including metal, plastic and even wooden. Quite Frankly, I was blown away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blrup9/i_went_to_a_fan_convention/
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[OC] What was Muhammad Ali’s flatulent brother’s name?

Gaseous Clay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blrsrj/oc_what_was_muhammad_alis_flatulent_brothers_name/
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Why did the communist spell his name without an upper-case letter?

Because he hated capitalism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blrr8l/why_did_the_communist_spell_his_name_without_an/
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Me: Hey, can you say the second last letter of the alphabet?

Friend: Why?
Me: Thanks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blrr7x/me_hey_can_you_say_the_second_last_letter_of_the/
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I’ve never trusted tectonic plates

They’re too shifty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blrqzy/ive_never_trusted_tectonic_plates/
%
While you're at someone's house, it's pretty easy to tell if they like plants.

Just look around and see if they botany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blrpg5/while_youre_at_someones_house_its_pretty_easy_to/
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You cant breathe through your teeth while smiling.

Jk, i just wanted to make you smile. Spread the love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blro2i/you_cant_breathe_through_your_teeth_while_smiling/
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I went to the zoo the other day but there was nothing except a Dog

It was a shih tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blrdcl/i_went_to_the_zoo_the_other_day_but_there_was/
%
Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones...

Thanos used them in his Infinity Gauntlet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blr5w6/chuck_norris_passed_6_kidney_stones/
%
A Boy and his Father were out on a walk...

On their walk the two encountered a pair of doggies in an act of doggie passion in the middle of one of the neighbors lawns.
"Ewww...WHAT are they doing, Daddy?!?"
"Well son, um, I guess you could say that they are making puppies."
The father grabbed the boy's hand, and they continued their walk in peace.
Later that night, the boy heard a commotion coming from his parent bedroom. He quietly made his way up the stairs and nudged their door open, finding his father and mother in the midst of a energetic lovemaking session.
"Daddy!! What are you DOING!?!?"
"Ahh...Son! We're, uh, making you a new sister...yeah..."
"No! You need to flip Mom over...I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blqv8p/a_boy_and_his_father_were_out_on_a_walk/
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My friend told me, “ You have a B.A., a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blqtz3/my_friend_told_me_you_have_a_ba_a_masters_and_a/
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I just got out of a really bad relationship with a communist.

But I should have seen the red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blqtca/i_just_got_out_of_a_really_bad_relationship_with/
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What is Elon Musk's favorite band?

30 Seconds to Mars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blqrh6/what_is_elon_musks_favorite_band/
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Opinions are like assholes

I love eating opinions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blqoyd/opinions_are_like_assholes/
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I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blqkzh/i_scored_a_175_on_an_iq_test_with_just_3_simple/
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Last night I took a dyslexic girl home. NSFW

She ended up cooking my sock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blqiwb/last_night_i_took_a_dyslexic_girl_home_nsfw/
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My 5 yr old son was playing in the garden and sees 2 spiders. He asks me "is that a mommy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?"...

"No son, there is no mommy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer until he stomps on both spiders saying "we'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden anymore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blqhu6/my_5_yr_old_son_was_playing_in_the_garden_and/
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My autocorrect is finally suggesting swear words.

However, now I have to be careful when I'm actually talking to my mom about ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blqhs7/my_autocorrect_is_finally_suggesting_swear_words/
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A guy slams a shot of tequila and jumps out of the windows

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an asshole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blq8t9/a_guy_slams_a_shot_of_tequila_and_jumps_out_of/
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The $10 dog

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blq4e6/the_10_dog/
%
What is the best time of day to perform devilish hijinks?

Lets say ten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blq3xr/what_is_the_best_time_of_day_to_perform_devilish/
%
A horse walks into a bar

And thus ended his dream of becoming a champion showjumper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blq3es/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An English and an Irish farmer are arguing at their fence over Politics when along comes a chicken and lays an egg right on the fence boundary.

The English farmer exclaims "It's my egg, because it's my Chicken", and the Irish farmer replies with "Well, the egg is mostly on my side of the fence, so it's mine".  They argue back and forth about an hour, until the Irish farmer comes up with a solution.
"To see who the strongest farmer is, we'll have a competition.  The winner keeps the egg".  The English farmer -  convinced he's the strongest - wants to know more.  The Irish farmer says "We'll kick each other in the balls as hard as we can, and whoever is standing at the end gets to keep the egg".  The English farmer is a bit perplexed, but accepts - because he knows he's absolutely going to win.  The Irish farmer says "I'll go first".
He takes 5 steps back, gets a running start and kicks the English farmer so hard he falls to the ground screaming in agony for 5 minutes.  When he gets back up, the English farmer with tears in his eyes says "My turn, I'll show you what a REAL kick in the balls feels like".
And the Irish farmer smiles, winks, and says "You're alright, it's only an egg.  Keep it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blq26s/an_english_and_an_irish_farmer_are_arguing_at/
%
A 3 year old examined his testicles while taking a bath

'Mom' he asked,
'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet', she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blq0mm/a_3_year_old_examined_his_testicles_while_taking/
%
What did Groot say after the snap?

I am mulch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blpysm/what_did_groot_say_after_the_snap/
%
A man walks into a bar...

... And, throwing a glance back at the door, asks for a beer "before the argument starts."
Finishing it, he looks at the door again, and asks for another beer before the argument starts.
He then says to the bartender "okay, could you please give me a cocktail before the argument starts?"
"A cocktail? You haven't even paid for the beers!"
"And now the argument starts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blpubl/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Job Interview

I went to a job interview the other day and they asked me what I thought was my most negative  quality,
I replied, “it’s probably my honesty. “
The panel looked and discussed with each other and said, “we don’t think that’s a negative quality at all, we actually think that it’s a positive one. “
I replied: “I don’t give a fuck what you think !”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blprs1/job_interview/
%
Quick Maths

A man is walking home when he stumbled upon an old lamp by the trash, seeing that it’s still presentable, he decided to rub some of the dirt off of it. A cloud of smoke began seeping through the lamp and a Genie appeared before him.
“Thank you for freeing me, I am a genie and I shall grant you 3 wishes.” the Genie said.
“Make it 4.” the man demanded.
“Granted. You have 3 wishes left.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blprjr/quick_maths/
%
A blind man walks into a bar.

And a table and a chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blpra5/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I told my psychiatrist today that I feel hopelessly depressed.

"Have you thought about self-harming?" he asked.
For fuck's sake, I thought you were here to help, I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blplby/i_told_my_psychiatrist_today_that_i_feel/
%
Everyday my 90 year old neighbour who has Alzheimer's knocks on my door and asks me if I've seen his wife .

And everyday I have to tell that 90 year old man his wife has been long dead .
You know I have thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving house .
But you know it's worth it, each time just to see the smile on his face..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blpkrf/everyday_my_90_year_old_neighbour_who_has/
%
It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back.

It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blphyv/it_bothers_me_that_someone_may_steal_my_identity/
%
Two friends meet at a bar and start talking

:
\- Yesterday my girlfriend came to me and told me she is pregnant.
\- Really? What did you say?
\- Nothing. I cried.
\- Really? Why?
\- Because I know what it means to grow up without a father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blpfzv/two_friends_meet_at_a_bar_and_start_talking/
%
A boy and his father.

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blpdkj/a_boy_and_his_father/
%
What did God say when he was trying to make the first male snake but accidentally made it female.

“Crap! I made a miss snake.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blpb1n/what_did_god_say_when_he_was_trying_to_make_the/
%
400 IQ work joke

One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy, 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blpa2z/400_iq_work_joke/
%
I was hired to be a stage director for a terrible play, so I decided to quit.

I left without making a scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blp7o0/i_was_hired_to_be_a_stage_director_for_a_terrible/
%
People say I'm too aggressive and sexually suggestive.

Fuck those assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blp3cg/people_say_im_too_aggressive_and_sexually/
%
I hate when my daughter tells that she feels embarassed when I show up in her workplace and check on her

But this is the only strip club in the town ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bloxnl/i_hate_when_my_daughter_tells_that_she_feels/
%
Where do pigs go to work?

To the bakery because they be bakin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bloqyk/where_do_pigs_go_to_work/
%
Organic chemistry is difficult

Those who study it have alkynes of trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bloqph/organic_chemistry_is_difficult/
%
My Grandad died because he couldn't let anything go

He died holding a hand grenade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bloghc/my_grandad_died_because_he_couldnt_let_anything_go/
%
What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bloa3x/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
%
What social media does Thanos use

Snapchat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bloa1g/what_social_media_does_thanos_use/
%
Why do people wear condoms?

For Fuck Sake...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blo7w3/why_do_people_wear_condoms/
%
What do you get if you cross an octopus with a cow?

Your reasearch funding revoked and a review by the ethics committee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blnrek/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_an_octopus_with_a_cow/
%
What psychosis do you have, if all you can think about is Chinese noodles?

Mega-Lo-Mein-ia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blnnpn/what_psychosis_do_you_have_if_all_you_can_think/
%
I was in the supermarket the other day

My mum sent me in to get the essentials bread, milk etc.
So I got the bread, sugar, fruit and I made my way done to the milk aisle.
But I saw this old man, throwing cheese and milk everywhere.
I thought, how dairy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blnnlb/i_was_in_the_supermarket_the_other_day/
%
With political correctness on the rise, you can't even say "Black Paint"

You have to say "Tyrone, please paint my house"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blnnbq/with_political_correctness_on_the_rise_you_cant/
%
What do you get if you inject human dna into a goat?

A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blnkcc/what_do_you_get_if_you_inject_human_dna_into_a/
%
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.

But apparently he just swallows his pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blne31/when_a_lion_takes_a_lioness_from_another_lion_he/
%
9/11 jokes are not funny

The other 2 though, are hilarious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blnd0u/911_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
I overheard some kids saying they were planning on doing a shooting at my old highschool.

I went over and told them I used to go there. I said i figured I'd save them some time and show them the best areas to do the shooting.
Afterward they thanked me but asked perplexed why i would help them.
I said "Just thought I could help some up and coming film makers. Us artists gotta help eachother out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blncxt/i_overheard_some_kids_saying_they_were_planning/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping

They Pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holes woke Watson up and Said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blncgn/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_were_going_camping/
%
If your parachute fails to deploy

You have the rest of your life to fix it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blncfy/if_your_parachute_fails_to_deploy/
%
As I got home this morning I noticed the bin men were already emptying the bins.

Bin man: “Where’s ya bin mate?”.
Me: “Oh I’ve just got back from a 5 mile run!”.
Bin man: “No mate I mean where’s ya wheelie bin?”.
Me: “Alright fine, I’ve really been down the pub but please don’t tell the wife”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blnbws/as_i_got_home_this_morning_i_noticed_the_bin_men/
%
I had my appendix taken out when I was a kid. They said it was useless,

but based on my life since then, I'm guessing it controls motivation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bln7zp/i_had_my_appendix_taken_out_when_i_was_a_kid_they/
%
First you tell me to be myself.

Then you tell me to stop being an idiot. Make your mind up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bln7k5/first_you_tell_me_to_be_myself/
%
A drunk man walks up to the bartender

and asks for a drink.
The bartender tells him, “No way man. You’re already hammered and your tab comes out at over $200.”
The man responds, “Please I’ll do anything. I’m having really bad withdrawals I just need a beer or two.”
“Really? Anything? I’ll tell you what, I might actually have something for you. I’ve got three jobs that need to be done. You do them, and I’ll clear your tab and give you a few drinks on the house,” says the bartender.
“You got it!” the man exclaims.
The bartender points to the corner and says, “See that big Somoan guy over there? He’s been here for hours and is bothering everyone. I need you to get him out over here. Next, I have my pitbull in the back room and he has a terrible toothache. I need you to pull it out. And finally, down the hall, to the right, there’s a hooker. She has never had an orgasm in her life. I need you to give her one.”
“That’s it? I’ll do it,” replies the man.
He walks over to the Somoan guy in the corner of the bar and knocks him out clean with one punch. He feels satisfied and returns to the bartender.
“I took care of the Somoan guy,” he says.
“Great. Next the pitbull,” says the bartender.
He goes into the back room and the pitbull is pissed off. From outside the room, barking and growling can be heard. For ten minutes, sounds of difficulty and whimpering are produced.
Finally, the man comes out and returns to the bartender.
He says, “Okay, where is that hooker that needs her tooth pulled?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bln661/a_drunk_man_walks_up_to_the_bartender/
%
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blmzo0/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog.

He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.
Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the heck are you doing?"
The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blmwdq/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_seeingeye/
%
Why does Trump hate ghosts?

Because they can go through walls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blmvkf/why_does_trump_hate_ghosts/
%
My girlfriend said she'll give up her virginity today if this gets 100 upvotes

Please don't she's on vacation without me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blmvjs/my_girlfriend_said_shell_give_up_her_virginity/
%
So Hitler walks into a bar...

Nearing the end of the war, Hitler walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, feeling a little awkward, decides to make some small talk.
"So, Hitler,  got any big plans for the end of the war?"
Hitler thinks for a second and responds,
"Vell, I figure vat I vill do...is kill 999,999 jews...and zen 1 Clown."
The bartender is confused, and eventually says,
"Ok, I give up, why kill the 1 clown?"
Hitler laughs to himself, finishes his drink amd says, "See? Nobody ever cares about ze jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blmtnd/so_hitler_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How warm are babies when they're just born?

Womb temperature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blmsl2/how_warm_are_babies_when_theyre_just_born/
%
The Parrot

A young man named Steve received a parrot as a gift. The parrot really had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.
Steve tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think
of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally though, Steve was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Steve shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and more rude! In desperation, Steve threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the
freezer!
For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed... then suddenly there was total quiet! Not a peep was heard for over a minute!
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Steve quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
Steve was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude! As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the bird continued,
'May I ask what the turkey did?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blmr76/the_parrot/
%
A rabbi and a priest sitting outside a church collecting money

A lady watches as the churchgoers ignore the Rabbi and purposely give money to the Priest  , finally she has enough she walks up to the Rabbi and says “cant you see you’re in the wrong place ? I mean a church ? Dressed as a rabbi? People are purposely avoiding you and giving money to the priest to show you that you aren’t welcome “
The rabbi looks at her for a second laughs then yells over to the priest “yo shlomo she thinks we don’t know how to make money”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blmnep/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_sitting_outside_a_church/
%
Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:
\-My, what big red eyes you have!
The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same forest road, and after some time she sees the same wolf, this time hiding behind a big oak tree:
\-My, what big ears you have!
The wolf just runs away, disappearing in the dense forest. Intrigued by this behaviour, little red riding hood continues her journey to grandma's house, but after about 2 miles of walking, she barely spots the wolf again, this time through dense foliage, hiding behind the tall brick wall of a collapsed house.
\-My, what big mouth...
\-OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, CAN I PLEASE TAKE A SHIT WITHOUT YOU INTERRUPTING?!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blmmqw/little_red_riding_hood_sets_out_to_go_visit_her/
%
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blmlza/what_has_four_legs_is_big_green_fuzzy_and_if_it/
%
Interview

er: What's your biggest strength?
Me: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 x 11?
Me: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
Me: It's 121.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blmgef/interview/
%
My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, "Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?"

"Yes," she said, "but I wasn’t willing to pay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blmbiq/my_seatmate_on_a_flight_was_a_woman_ever_the/
%
There was a man who was a renowned sex therapist...

He traveled around the world giving seminars on sex of all kinds and on how to improve a couple's intimate side of the relationship.
At one particular seminar he opened, like usual, by stating that he knew so much about sex and people that he could tell you how often you had sex just by the look on your face when he said the word. To prove his point, he walked off the stage and approached the aisle, stopping in front of a man there.
"Sex", he said.
The man smiled.
"Wow, sir... Once a week isn't bad!" The man's smile turned to an expression of shock.
The therapist moved father up the aisle and stopped in front of another man. The process repeats several times, always with the therapist being right about the frequency of the person's sex life. Finally, he comes to a man most of the way to the back of the room.
"Sex", he said to the man.
This man's face lit up like the sun.
"Holy shit. Every day??"
The man shakes his head no.
"Every other day?"
Again, a shake of the man's head.
"3 times a week?" Another shake.
"Once a week?!" Yet another shake.
After several more guesses the therapist gives up and says, "Fine. Just tell me how often then!"
"Once a year!" he proudly exclaims.
"One a year? That's it?! Why on earth are you so happy then???"
The man smiles all the more and says,
"TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blmb2l/there_was_a_man_who_was_a_renowned_sex_therapist/
%
I went to visit my 80 year old grandfather who lives in a rural area [long]

He made me breakfast and as I was eating I noticed the plates had a film-like residue on them.
"Grandpa are these plates clean?", I asked him.
He responded, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Now hurry up and eat your food."
Later that day he made hamburgers and as we ate I noticed little black specks on the plates.
So I asked again, "Grandpa, you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his burger, he responded, "I told you they're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Now quit asking."
That evening as I was getting ready to leave, my grandfather's dog started growling at me and wouldn't let me pass.
"Grandpa your dog won't let me out!"
Without diverting his attention from the TV, my grandpa shouted, "COME HERE COLD WATER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blm746/i_went_to_visit_my_80_year_old_grandfather_who/
%
A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers.  The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:
"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability.  Nothing can 'gross you out.'  Some of you will be emergency room doctors, and you can imagine what you'll be facing.  Any one of you could, no matter your path as a medical doctor, suddenly be faced at some time with a victim of a violent crime trying to hold his intestines in with limited success.  Again, if you are to succeed in your medical practice you must face such carnage with utter calm.
"With this in mind," the professor pulled back a sheet on the table in front of him, revealing a cadaver.  "If you are to continue in this class, and consequently this medical school, I need each of you to come to the front of the room and place a finger in the cadaver's rectum," the professor did exactly that.  "And then lick your finger, put it in your mouth and suck on it like you're dining alone."  He put a finger in his mouth, and pulled it out with a loud smack of his lips.
The students were horrified.  Slowly, they began filing to the table at the head of the room.  Each one stuck a finger up the cadaver's butthole, and cringed in horror as they put that same finger in their own mouth.  They returned to their seats, scarred for life.
The professor nodded, then continued.  "The second most important quality you will need as a physician is the power of observation.  Note that I put my middle finger in the cadaver's rectum, then licked my index finger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blm6xl/a_large_group_of_first_year_medical_school/
%
One morning two brothers, 4 and 6, decide they are old enough to start cursing...

The younger asks his brother, "What should we say?"
"You say ass, and I'll say hell," replies the elder of the two.
Walking down stairs their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast.
"Oh hell," replies the elder, "I'll have some Cheerios."
Their mother loses her mind.  She swats at him, starts yelling.  Face red she exclaims after him "just wait until your father hears about this!" as he retreats up the stairs.  Shaking in anger she starts to regaining her composure, she takes a few breaths and turns to her younger son.  "And, what would you like for breakfast young man"
He considers it for a moment, and having just witnessed the entire scene states matter of factly:
"I'm not sure, but you can bet your ass it's not Cheerios."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blm28v/one_morning_two_brothers_4_and_6_decide_they_are/
%
What do you call a mariachi band with one member?

A Juan man band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blm0zk/what_do_you_call_a_mariachi_band_with_one_member/
%
My friend has a trophy wife,

Apparently it wasn't first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blm0nj/my_friend_has_a_trophy_wife/
%
What is the hardest part of being an atheist?

Staying quiet when someone sneezes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bllxoy/what_is_the_hardest_part_of_being_an_atheist/
%
A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife.

But a Tiger Wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bllv98/a_lion_wouldnt_cheat_on_his_wife/
%
Why are there no baby dictators?

They can't control their armies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bllult/why_are_there_no_baby_dictators/
%
Two guys riding the train together start talking.

GUY 1: Did you ever try and say something but the words come out all wrong.
GUY 2: Nah, not really what are you talking about?
GUY 1: For instance when is was buying tickets for the train the clerk had a fantastic set of knockers. I get up there and I asked for a picket to Titsburg.
GUY 2: OMG that hilarious
GUY 1: And then she asks me if I have any quarters for exact change and I tell her all I have are nipples and dimes
GUY 2: HAHAHA, come to think of it that did happen to me recently
GUY 1: Oh really, what happened?
GUY 2: I was having breakfast with my wife and instead of asking her to pass the cereal I accidentally said "You ruined my life you fucking bitch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bllkyw/two_guys_riding_the_train_together_start_talking/
%
What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't hear a vitamin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bllhz7/whats_the_difference_between_a_vitamin_and_a/
%
Ever since my son was born,

I've been a real mother fucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blldzy/ever_since_my_son_was_born/
%
Starbucks reached new heights this weekend.

They now have a store in Westeros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blkyp6/starbucks_reached_new_heights_this_weekend/
%
What state has the smallest sodas?

Minisoda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blkvux/what_state_has_the_smallest_sodas/
%
I tell my students math is like really ugly person

You must truly love it, in order to enjoy doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blkoq7/i_tell_my_students_math_is_like_really_ugly_person/
%
What do you call a bee having a bad hair day?

A frizzbee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blkndz/what_do_you_call_a_bee_having_a_bad_hair_day/
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Woman: I am woman, hear me roar.

Man: I am man,  watch me pee outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blkkr2/woman_i_am_woman_hear_me_roar/
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Why are ghosts so popular at parties?

Because they always bring the boo's (booze)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blkis9/why_are_ghosts_so_popular_at_parties/
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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock)
Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blkfra/englishman_that_your_dog/
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We staged an intervention with our flat-earther friend.

He said he felt cornered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blkebp/we_staged_an_intervention_with_our_flatearther/
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A doctor, a priest, and a child are on a plane that is crashing down.

There are only two parachutes.
The doctor said "I'm going to have to take one. My work is saving lives and I'm on the verge of a medical discovery." He grabs a bag and jumps out.
The priest looked at the child. "Son. I have lived a wholesome life. I have took the high road and have led many lives to Christ. I know where I'm going. You are just a kid and got your whole life ahead of you. You can take the other parachute."
The little boy smiled. "Thanks, but we both can go. He grabbed my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blkdzs/a_doctor_a_priest_and_a_child_are_on_a_plane_that/
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Everyone knows Dave.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blkd3r/everyone_knows_dave/
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer...

The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blk9ov/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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What did the cowboy say about the dead prostitute?

Hoedown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blk9fm/what_did_the_cowboy_say_about_the_dead_prostitute/
%
What are Mario and Luigi's pants made of?

DenimDenimDenim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blk7yl/what_are_mario_and_luigis_pants_made_of/
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A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blk3m3/a_husband_and_wife_who_work_for_the_circus_go_to/
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Here's an example of a sentence in French:

Guillotine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blk0xr/heres_an_example_of_a_sentence_in_french/
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Kid comes back from school crying

Kid: mom, the mean kids at school called me hairy. What do i do?
Mom: MARIO, THE DOG IS TALKING AGAIN!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bljzx8/kid_comes_back_from_school_crying/
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Did you guys hear about the controversial self-flagellator who finally quit?

I guess he got tired of all the backlash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bljy9g/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_controversial/
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I hand my father his 50th birthday card...

He said "You know, one would've been enough..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bljy8b/i_hand_my_father_his_50th_birthday_card/
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Why do melons have weddings?

...Because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bljwcg/why_do_melons_have_weddings/
%
A horse walks into a bar

"Hey", the Bartender says.
"Sure", the horse replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bljwb8/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
They say your are what you eat.

I guess I’m 16 women between 1984-1998

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bljw7f/they_say_your_are_what_you_eat/
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What does a redditor need?

Ok, to properly tell this joke im going to need a volunteer, im going to need a helper.
You there, I See you.  You'll do.
Im going to ask you a series of math questions, and i want you to slowly scroll down through them.
Sit back, relax, and we'll begin when you're ready.
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G
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Ok, lets go, just answer in your head.
1+5
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2+4
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3+3
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4+2
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5+1
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Now repeat that number over and over.
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Think of a vegetable
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Here comes the punchline
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Carrots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bljvrh/what_does_a_redditor_need/
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It is ramadan...

...now i have religious reasons to be broke and starving.
Note: reposting this as a mark of respect for all those who are practicing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bljpoo/it_is_ramadan/
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A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt

"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.
The guy sitting next to him sees what has  happened and leans over towards him, "hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and he gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned."
Completely inebriated the drunk man thanks his new friend and puts a twenty in his shirt pocket and heads for home.
As soon as he walks thru the front door his wife becomes irate and starts yelling at him," where have you been? you're completely drunk and you're a mess. Look at yourself, you puked all over the front of your shirt."
Completely wasted and slurring his words he explains to the wife, "no no, the guy sitting next to me threw up on my shirt and he gave me $20 to get it cleaned. Look, it's right here in my shirt pocket."
The wife reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, "there's $40 in here."
"Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bljo9x/a_drunk_guy_is_sitting_at_a_bar_by_himself_one/
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Why did they call it Cinco de Mayo?

Because only white people celebrate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bljn85/why_did_they_call_it_cinco_de_mayo/
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Genie: Whats your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: I want lots of money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bljm1z/genie_whats_your_first_wish/
%
NSFW Did you know squirrels die after they fuck?

I didn't either, but the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bljds6/nsfw_did_you_know_squirrels_die_after_they_fuck/
%
I just sold a guitar to a guy with no arms.

I asked him why he wanted it and he said “I’m going to play it by ear”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bljbsn/i_just_sold_a_guitar_to_a_guy_with_no_arms/
%
How do you break a fight between 2 blind guys?

You shout "I bet on the guy with the knife!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blj5t9/how_do_you_break_a_fight_between_2_blind_guys/
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A man's car breaks down in the middle of a snow storm

While searching for help he finds a temple. The man knocks on the door and an old monk comes and greets him
Man: Hay can you please help, my car broke down in the middle of the snow storm
Monk: Yes of course please come in
The man enters the temple and is given food, water and a change of clothes.
When night comes the man tries to sleep but is interrupted with a loud noise coming from inside the temple.
In the morning the snow storm had passed
Before the man left he thanked the monk for his kindness, but he had one question
Man: What was that loud noise in the middle of the night
Monk: I would tell you but you're not a monk
The man is respectful and leaves it at that
One year later
Once again in the exact same spot at the exact same time the man's car breaks down
The man finds the temple again and is given food, water, and a change of clothes
Once night comes the man tries to sleep, but once again he is interrupted by a loud noise, even louder than before
In the morning the snow storm had passed, and once again the man had a question
Man: what was that noise in middle of the night
Monk: I would tell you but you're not a monk
Man: how do I become a monk
Monk: you must count every rock and grain of sand in the world
Man: I'll do it
And so the man set off on his journey and comes back 30 years later
Man: I have finally done it. There are a total of  548,638,138,643 rocks and 795,632,483,167,890 grains of sand in the world
Monk: Congratulations you have now become a monk
Man: May I learn what that noise is now
Monk: Come with me
The monk leads the man to a brass door, he opens it and it leads to a silver door, he opens that and it leads to a gold door
Finally what that man found was very much worth the 30 years it took him. It was the most magnificent thing he had ever seen in his life
Are you ready to learn what that man saw?
I would tell you but you aren't a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blj10a/a_mans_car_breaks_down_in_the_middle_of_a_snow/
%
What do you call a boy cat sleeping on a bed?

Himalayan.
*Be gentle. First post on here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bliz1c/what_do_you_call_a_boy_cat_sleeping_on_a_bed/
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Why can’t you get mono twice?

Because then you would have stereo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bliuyd/why_cant_you_get_mono_twice/
%
What does the ghost call his beloved?

My ghoul-friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blit3o/what_does_the_ghost_call_his_beloved/
%
A father buys a Lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He tests it out one night

The father ask what the son did that day. He says he just did homework, and the machine slaps him. He says "Okay, I was at my friend's house watching a movie." The father says, "What movie." He says, "Old Yeller." The machine slaps him. He says, "Okay, I was watching Porn" The father says he didn't know what porn was when he was a kid. The machine slaps him. The mother said, "Gosh, he really is your son." The machine slapped her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bliqpk/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_that_slaps_people/
%
Why did the cross-eyed teacher loose her job

because she couldn't control her pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bliosb/why_did_the_crosseyed_teacher_loose_her_job/
%
A Rabbi, a Priest and a Reverend walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blioao/a_rabbi_a_priest_and_a_reverend_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A man was sitting at a bar drinking and had his pet alligator with him

He was tired of spending his own money on his expensive liquor so he stood up and announced to the patrons “I bet all you a round of drinks that I can put my dick and balls in this gators mouth for one minute with it’s mouth closed and I won’t have a scratch on me when I’m done”
After some discussion the patrons agreed that even if he could possibly do it, they could all afford to buy his drinks to be able to see something this amazing.
So the man drops his pants pulls out his junk and sets it right in the gators mouth and then breaks a beer bottle over its head and it’s slammed it’s mouth shut. After a minute the man breaks another beer bottle over its head and it opens up. The man pulls everything out of the gators mouth and stands up on the bar to proudly show everyone that he did not have a single scratch on him.
Before starting to drink his well earned drinks he asks the crowd if anyone else would like to try it and offered up $100 to anyone who tried it.
A very attractive blonde woman then walked up to him and said “I’d love to try but you can’t hit me on the head with a bottle”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blio0n/a_man_was_sitting_at_a_bar_drinking_and_had_his/
%
A little boys asks his father: "Dad how are babies born?"

The father replies, the seagull brings them.
The boy answers. OK and who f*cks the seagull?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blinmz/a_little_boys_asks_his_father_dad_how_are_babies/
%
A physicist and a biologist started dating.

They realized there was no chemistry :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blimma/a_physicist_and_a_biologist_started_dating/
%
How many Catholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blilrh/how_many_catholics_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A bartender says “We don’t serve time travellers here”

A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bliccb/a_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travellers/
%
I organised a threesome the other day.

There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bli9s1/i_organised_a_threesome_the_other_day/
%
Why couldn't the NSA whistle blower leave Russia?

He was Snowden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bli79h/why_couldnt_the_nsa_whistle_blower_leave_russia/
%
Why was the archaeologist so sad?

His career was in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bli6on/why_was_the_archaeologist_so_sad/
%
How big is the average fence?

Around a yard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bli5w0/how_big_is_the_average_fence/
%
My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bli3z0/my_friend_decided_to_use_balloons_to_propose_to/
%
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.

After finishing he asks the bartender "How much do I owe?"
The bartender responds "For you neutron, no charge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blhzym/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
%
Pigs

I was driving down a country lane when I hit a pig, I wasn’t dead yet so I called my Dad for advice, he said put it out of its misery, so I went over and hit it with a tyre iron.
I said to my Dad, okay that’s better but his motorbike is still stuck under my car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blhy40/pigs/
%
Yo mama so fat,

Thanos had to snap twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blhtg4/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
I nearly had a 3some last night

just needed two more people﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blhnnx/i_nearly_had_a_3some_last_night/
%
How do fish get high in the ocean?

Seaweed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blhm1v/how_do_fish_get_high_in_the_ocean/
%
My son asked me "how babies are made?" I told him

Babys are delivered by a stork
Fat babies are delivered by a crane
And no Babys are delivered by a swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blhjvx/my_son_asked_me_how_babies_are_made_i_told_him/
%
My father revealed to the me that he likes to dress in women’s clothing.

I still don’t understand it, but I appreciate his effort at being transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blhezv/my_father_revealed_to_the_me_that_he_likes_to/
%
A man had 2 daughters and a son. One day all three of them wanted to ask how Dad had named them.

The first daughter asked, "Daddy why did you name me Rose?"
The father responded, "When you were born, a rose pedal floated through the window and landed on your head."
The second daughter asked, "Daddy, why did you name me Violet?"
The father responded, "When you were born, the pedal of a violet floated through the window and landed on your head."
Then the son pipes up, "WWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!"
The father responds, "What is it cinderblock?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blhe1h/a_man_had_2_daughters_and_a_son_one_day_all_three/
%
What happens when you buy Bitcoin in China?

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blhe0w/what_happens_when_you_buy_bitcoin_in_china/
%
Why did Shakespeare use ink when he wrote his plays?

Because he couldn’t decide which pencil to use; 2B or not 2B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blhdp0/why_did_shakespeare_use_ink_when_he_wrote_his/
%
Facebook should change it’s name to..

reddit from 6 days ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blhb15/facebook_should_change_its_name_to/
%
Why do all the women love Jesus?

*holds arms out to either side*
because he was hung like this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blh7pm/why_do_all_the_women_love_jesus/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the fucking ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, absolutely fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blh7dx/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby_the_driver/
%
My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni now. 😔
(Thanks for the silver! X 😊😊)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blh73c/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_i_have_a_fetish_for/
%
Do you think if Jesus clapped hard enough..

The holes in his hands would whistle?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blh4sh/do_you_think_if_jesus_clapped_hard_enough/
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Ouch

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blh1l1/ouch/
%
I am suspicious that my wife secretly adding glue to my weapon collections

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blh087/i_am_suspicious_that_my_wife_secretly_adding_glue/
%
What’s black and white and hated all over?

Johnny Depp in a Tim Burton movie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blgxzt/whats_black_and_white_and_hated_all_over/
%
The main attraction gorilla at a zoo dies right before the zoo opens for the day.

Many of the zoo’s daily visitors come just to see the gorilla. So, in a desperate move, the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him.
A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.
The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blguja/the_main_attraction_gorilla_at_a_zoo_dies_right/
%
What sound did the 747 make when it landed?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blgqap/what_sound_did_the_747_make_when_it_landed/
%
Dr. Amrak, superintendent of the Tidder School District, was nervous about the upcoming budget meeting.

All of the schools in the district needed new benches and tables in their cafeterias.  Unfortunately, the Tidder Comets were in a difficult financial situation, and all of the estimates for the cafeteria furniture were way too expensive.  One day before the big meeting, Dr. Amrak told his secretary, Miss Keys, to call his friend Mr. Treenoski, who owned a local tree farm.  He asked Mr. Treenoski for advice.
Mr. Treenoski thought about it for a moment and said, "Every year, we have hundreds of evergreen trees that are not sold around Christmas.  I can donate the extra trees to your school district, and you can make benches and tables for your cafeterias."  Dr. Amrak was thrilled, but Miss Keys warned him that it was a bad idea.
The plan was approved at the budget meeting, and the district's maintenance crew worked hard cutting and building the furniture.  When everything was finished, Miss Keys expressed her concerns about the benches and tables a second time.  Once again, Dr. Amrak ignored her.  He planned a huge ceremony to celebrate the first day the students could use the new furniture.  Video cameras broadcast live feeds to thousands of residents on TV and on the district's website.
Christopher Comet, the district's mascot, made a special appearance at the high school.  Parents and neighbors watched as the students got their lunches and took them to the tables.
Everything was going well until the last few students arrived at their tables.  Sally Silverstein at the elementary school, Brian Goldwater at the middle school, and Peter Platinumowski all sat down at the same moment.  Dr. Amrak watched the live broadcast in horror as the benches broke into a thousand pieces.  Students plummeted to the floor, food flew into the air, and the tables collapsed onto the stunned students.
Dr. Amrak shut off the live feed immediately.  He turned to his secretary and asked how she knew it was a bad idea.  With a sly smile, Miss Keys looked at him and said, "It was an interesting concept, but I knew the lunch pine would be weak."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blgjmd/dr_amrak_superintendent_of_the_tidder_school/
%
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?

"I think I'll call it a day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blgieb/what_did_god_say_after_he_separated_the_light/
%
What do you call a blind SS officer?

A Not-see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blgcw9/what_do_you_call_a_blind_ss_officer/
%
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.   Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.  The first guy jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding.   Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up.   This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blgav1/two_guys_are_bungeejumping_one_day_the_first_guy/
%
How weird

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blg82e/how_weird/
%
What do you call a tree dick?

A woodpecker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blg6at/what_do_you_call_a_tree_dick/
%
I wo der how people used their free time before the internet...

I asked my eight siblings but they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blg3bw/i_wo_der_how_people_used_their_free_time_before/
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Why did so many people dislike the constitution?

It was too negative, they should have changed con to pro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blg35p/why_did_so_many_people_dislike_the_constitution/
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What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and and an insomniac?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blfzes/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_agnostic_a/
%
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a roadworker.

But when I got home, I saw all the signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blfu23/i_didnt_want_to_believe_that_my_dad_was_stealing/
%
What do you call a dinosaur who lost their gold?

A dinosr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blfoms/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_who_lost_their_gold/
%
A little boy has diarrhea and asks his mom for a Viagra...

His mom replies with, "What the hell for?"
The little boy says, "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit won't get hard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blfh34/a_little_boy_has_diarrhea_and_asks_his_mom_for_a/
%
I've never been a great joke teller....

I always seem to punch up the fuck line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blfc5a/ive_never_been_a_great_joke_teller/
%
My friend met Terry Crews and made fun of him so Terry beat him to death

The coroner says he died from dysentery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blfbvy/my_friend_met_terry_crews_and_made_fun_of_him_so/
%
I played "I've got your nose" with a clown

... but the police caught me red handed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blf9xp/i_played_ive_got_your_nose_with_a_clown/
%
What do you call a 3.14 meter long snake?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blf92f/what_do_you_call_a_314_meter_long_snake/
%
A priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Jewish Rabbi were at the bar debating over which of their religions was best

The priest suggested a competition. He said that the best way to figure out whose religion was best was to see who could convert an atheist to his own religion.
“No that’s too easy,” said the Rabbi.
Suddenly, a bear walked by and the Baptist preacher said, “the true religious man would be able to convert this bear.”
So one at a time, each religious head tried to convert the Bear to their respective religions.
The next night, the Baptist preacher walked into the bar with a missing hand and he said, “Never try to baptize a bear”
The following night, the priest came into the bar and he had 2 broken arms. “Never put a bear in confessional.”
A night later, the Rabbi was wheeled into the bar on a dolly, wearing a body cast.  The other two were shocked when he said, “Never, ever try to circumcise a bear”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blf5z6/a_priest_a_baptist_preacher_and_a_jewish_rabbi/
%
You know what makes my blood boil?

Heating it to about 212 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blf2qm/you_know_what_makes_my_blood_boil/
%
French public toilets were useless in the war

Always occupied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blf1jq/french_public_toilets_were_useless_in_the_war/
%
Vegas sins....

Just had to share this with you all 😂...
A man is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How Much?"
The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
The man says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."
The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes."
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes."
"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just had the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."
The hooker says, "No, $1500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"
The hooker says, "No. But I would... If I had a pussy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blew1w/vegas_sins/
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TIL that Vladimir Putin, Russia's President, was a KGB officer for 16 years...

He was the crème de la Kremlin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blekdc/til_that_vladimir_putin_russias_president_was_a/
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A joke about a duck

So the farmer doesn't have a lot of money he tells both of his sons are 18 and 19 to each take a duck and whoever comes back at the end of the day with the most money for their duck gets to keep it so the nineteen-year-old goes out and he gets $25 for his duck but the younger brother who is 18 walks past a whorehouse and sees a whore with big tits and asks her to fuck so she says he needs to pay but he says he hasnt any money so he trades his duck for a fuck and when hes done she decides she doesnt want to so she passes him the duck back and tells him to leave... now on the way home he keeps trying to sell this duck hes carrying, and while waiting to cross the road the duck jumps from his arms and runs into traffic and gets hit. Now the truck driver stops and apologizes and offers the young man 40 dollars for his duck and he accepts and says "eh shit happens". So when the young man gets home his dad says: "so what did you get? Your brother got 25 for his duck." The young man to that replies i got a fuck for a duck and a duck from a fuck and then 40 dollars for a fucked up duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bled6o/a_joke_about_a_duck/
%
What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?

Pilot Error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bleckr/what_do_you_call_a_pregnant_flight_attendant/
%
How do you know Jesus didn't care?

He was born without a single fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ble74o/how_do_you_know_jesus_didnt_care/
%
Buzzfeed is like Fortnite

It's retarded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bldygg/buzzfeed_is_like_fortnite/
%
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo,

so I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bldx39/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
%
Birthday jokes

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bldoc9/birthday_jokes/
%
You guys ever see the barcode at the base of a condom?

No? Guess you don’t need to unroll it that far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bldimv/you_guys_ever_see_the_barcode_at_the_base_of_a/
%
A man is driving on the highway when he gets a call from his wife

"Hello?"
"Hello. I was just watching the TV and there's a news report that says there's a car driving the wrong way on the highway. Be careful, honey."
"Well, that's nothing. There are hundreds of cars driving the wrong way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bldhzk/a_man_is_driving_on_the_highway_when_he_gets_a/
%
My 3 year son was in the bath with me last night.

"Why is your willy so much bigger and fatter than mine?"
"I dont know, daddy" he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bldhj1/my_3_year_son_was_in_the_bath_with_me_last_night/
%
Mummy, how was I born?

10-years old girl asks her mum: "Mummy, how was i born?"
The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bldhdc/mummy_how_was_i_born/
%
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?

There was no chemistry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blde7m/why_did_the_physics_teacher_break_up_with_the/
%
One time a girl called me a nerd because i have glasses and love science.

I had glasses from watching porn on the screen too much, i still love science though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bld54x/one_time_a_girl_called_me_a_nerd_because_i_have/
%
BIBLE SPOILER

jesus dies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bld2jr/bible_spoiler/
%
Gay jokes are not funny any more.....

I mean, come on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bld1zi/gay_jokes_are_not_funny_any_more/
%
Today i found out 2 things

1. The yellow Sonic(Tails) isn't Female
2. I've been watching gay pornos the whole time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bld0ce/today_i_found_out_2_things/
%
Doctor pulled a dad joke on my dad

My dad cut his finger while working in his shop. He was urged by my mom to go to the doctor and get stitches. He's one of those, "I don't go to doctors" and "I'm a cheapskate" type people.
After an hour it kept bleeding so he finally decided to go. He was checked in and the doctor was about to do the procedure and my dad asks, "How much are these stitches going to cost?" The doctor told him it would be about $100 with insurance. My dad was like, "Nope, not going to do it, that's too much for a few stitches, thanks anyway."
The doctor with no hesitation says, "Fine, suture self."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bld012/doctor_pulled_a_dad_joke_on_my_dad/
%
If Caitlyn Jenner was a superhero

Would she be an xmen or a transformer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blcz68/if_caitlyn_jenner_was_a_superhero/
%
I'm a Psychopathic Murderer. I've killed hundreds. And I feel no remorse.

All these Ants need to get the fuck outta my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blcwjv/im_a_psychopathic_murderer_ive_killed_hundreds/
%
Knock knock .

Who's there?
"Help me I'm a time traveller stuck in a time loop"
Knock knock
Who's there
"Help me I'm a time traveller stuck in a time loop"
Knock knock ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blcwg6/knock_knock/
%
My ex-girlfriend started screaming and banging on my door at 3 in the morning.

After an hour of that noise I finally got up and let her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blcvxp/my_exgirlfriend_started_screaming_and_banging_on/
%
Which Mexican got plastic surgery on its toe?

Ruberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blchbl/which_mexican_got_plastic_surgery_on_its_toe/
%
The whale jizz on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son. Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud. It looked at me and said "Thank you, for everything." I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek "You're whale cum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blc9u0/the_whale_jizz_on_my_doorstep/
%
You know what they say about large indoor shopping centers...

Once you've been to one, you've been to the mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blc91y/you_know_what_they_say_about_large_indoor/
%
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now what the fuck would you say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blc8w1/a_farmer_named_clyde_had_a_car_accident/
%
Just got back from the job interview where I was asked if I can perform under pressure

I said I wasn't completely sure about that but I do fantastic Bohemian Rhapsody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blc8iw/just_got_back_from_the_job_interview_where_i_was/
%
What do Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and the hitchhiker in my car have in common?

They are both in an advanced state of D composition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blc8gy/what_do_beethovens_ninth_symphony_and_the/
%
You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water. If it sinks it's girl ant,

If it floats it's boy ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blc65h/you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by_dropping_it/
%
I met this Jewish girl she asked me for my number

I told her we use names here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blc169/i_met_this_jewish_girl_she_asked_me_for_my_number/
%
If you liked the film, Pulp Fiction, you may like this joke. Semi long, but the punch line....well you decide.

**Part 1, THE BUILDING SITE:**
**Two Kiwi’s are working on the 20th level of a building site in Auckland, New Zealand: Phul (Phil) & Muck (Mick).**
Phul turns to Muck & says "Cawww I've gotta take a piss, but there’s nowhere to go, eh"
"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Muck "I'll stand on this end & balance it out"
"Are you sure Muck?"
"Yis, no worries"
"100 % ?"
"YIS !"
So out goes Phul to take a piss & the lunch siren sounds, Muck forgets what he's supposed to be doing & steps off the plank & Phul is a goner..........
**Part 2, THE BAR:**
**Seven days later in Sydney, an Australian, a Frenchman & a bloke from New Zealand are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest...**
**Wazza the Aussie** says "Mate, I've been known to miss a piss up session down the Pub with me mates trying to crack on to Sheila's!"
**Pierre, the Frenchman** says "No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest & give them gifts of love like champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure"
**Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi)** sits laughing & says "No, you blokes are both wrong, the other day I was walking past a building site in Auckland following these 2 gorgeous looking Birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming... "CUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blbps7/if_you_liked_the_film_pulp_fiction_you_may_like/
%
My girlfriend threatens to leave me every time I quote Mr Brightside.

But it’s just the price I pay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blboqg/my_girlfriend_threatens_to_leave_me_every_time_i/
%
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blbcu9/why_was_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
%
My wife decided to share some morbid news with our six year-old in the car...

"My best friend lost her father on Saturday," she said.
"That's rather careless of her," replied my daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blb2cu/my_wife_decided_to_share_some_morbid_news_with/
%
A man with 5 penises walks into a tailor's shop

The man has been frustrated all week. He simply cannot find a pair of pants that fit. Understandably finding pants that fit someone with 5 penises is difficult. The tailor notices the man looking at all different types of pants and asks him what he is looking for. The man explains his unique situation and the tailor says
"I could just make you a pair of pants. We just need to take a few measurements. How would you like them to fit sir? Baggy? With lots of room downstairs?"
The man is excited and responds,
"I want them to fit like a glove."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blazav/a_man_with_5_penises_walks_into_a_tailors_shop/
%
I once bought a cake in the shape of a chess set

When I tasted it, it was terrible, so I took it back to the store and said "This is stale mate!!"
The shopkeeper said "Are you sure??"
I said "I'm sure, if you don't believe me, then check mate!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blawss/i_once_bought_a_cake_in_the_shape_of_a_chess_set/
%
Why can't Stephen Hawking become a 'stand-up comedian'?

Because he's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blavj4/why_cant_stephen_hawking_become_a_standup_comedian/
%
Holmes: "Is that mud on your boots?"

Watson: "No, shit, Sherlock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blasdq/holmes_is_that_mud_on_your_boots/
%
I realized that driving a golf cart isn’t as easy as it looks.

But I finally got it down to a tee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blas7c/i_realized_that_driving_a_golf_cart_isnt_as_easy/
%
I asked my Republican friend if he though Amazon should pay taxes

He said "Of course, they're not a church"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blar1y/i_asked_my_republican_friend_if_he_though_amazon/
%
How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blanpj/how_do_you_make_a_plumber_cry/
%
My friend is really good with traps.

I guess you could call him a master baiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blameu/my_friend_is_really_good_with_traps/
%
It's crazy that some people are so horny that they are willing to have car sex in a public parking lot

That's why they call it sex drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blalxw/its_crazy_that_some_people_are_so_horny_that_they/
%
“I lived with my mother till I was twelve”

“I thought you said she died when you were nine?”
“Yes, she did...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/blaeva/i_lived_with_my_mother_till_i_was_twelve/
%
My neighbour was bashing on our door at 2am this morning.

Lucky I was still up playing the drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bla91t/my_neighbour_was_bashing_on_our_door_at_2am_this/
%
My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."
The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"
I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bla911/my_wife_and_i_went_on_our_honeymoon_to_australia/
%
Who called it a glory hole and not

another dick in the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bla5an/who_called_it_a_glory_hole_and_not/
%
I entered an online pun competition with ten of my best puns hoping atleast one would win

No pun in 10 did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bla3ov/i_entered_an_online_pun_competition_with_ten_of/
%
Girls tell me I’m ugly until they see my bank account.

Then they tell me I’m ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bla0iq/girls_tell_me_im_ugly_until_they_see_my_bank/
%
My dad told me to make little things count

That's why I'm teaching maths to dwarfs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl9t52/my_dad_told_me_to_make_little_things_count/
%
I don't know what job Steven hawking had

But I sure as hell know he wasn't a stand up comedian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl9spp/i_dont_know_what_job_steven_hawking_had/
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Today is the day "Bring your pet at school "

Can I bring my desert eagle?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl9qoc/today_is_the_day_bring_your_pet_at_school/
%
I started a new diet; I eat fish for breakfast.

My wife doesn't like me talking about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl9i5d/i_started_a_new_diet_i_eat_fish_for_breakfast/
%
What do you call it when a russians wifi fails?

Internyet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl97jw/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_russians_wifi_fails/
%
Best name for a pet dog with no legs

Doesn’t matter, it won’t be able to come to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl95p9/best_name_for_a_pet_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Isaac Newton in court

"He hit me equally as hard back your honor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl91vt/isaac_newton_in_court/
%
How did Mike Tyson feel after being hit by Mjolnir?

Thor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl910z/how_did_mike_tyson_feel_after_being_hit_by_mjolnir/
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Ole and Sven go hunting one weekend

(Told in a very thick Minnesotan accent which I won’t write out)
Ole and Sven go hunting one weekend and right away Ole shoots a big ol’ buck. So, they bring it back to the truck and start cleaning it and Sven says, “you know, Ole, this thing is so huge I bet Lena wouldn’t be able to cook it all in one day. Anything more we shoot this weekend will just go to waste, so we might as well pack up and go back home and spend the weekend at the lake.” “Yeah, you’re right,” Ole replies. So they get in the truck and start heading home. While still in the woods, Sven tells Ole, “Ole, I really have to go.” “Can you wait?” Ole asks. “I think there’s a town here in about 10 minutes.” “No, I really have to go now!” Sven says. So Ole pulls the truck over and points to a tree and says, “why don’t you go over there behind that big tree?” So Sven gets out and goes behind the tree. About 10 minutes later Sven still isn’t back and Ole gets an idea. He goes back and grabs some of the deer guts. He sneaks up behind the tree and plops them under Sven and then sneaks on back to the truck. About 2 hours later, Sven rounds the tree with a huge grin on his face and proudly marches to the truck. “What took you so long?” Ole asks. “Well Ole, you’d never believe it! I never thought they really meant it when they said it, but I really did poop my guts out! But by the grace of God and a stick, I got them back in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl8zc3/ole_and_sven_go_hunting_one_weekend/
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What do you call it when a cow gets an abortion?

Decalf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl8qga/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_cow_gets_an_abortion/
%
What does a penis and a Rubiks Cube have in common?

They gets harder and harder the more you play with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl8p2n/what_does_a_penis_and_a_rubiks_cube_have_in_common/
%
An ant walked up to me and told me a bad pun, so I squashed it.

Pun ant ended

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl8l1w/an_ant_walked_up_to_me_and_told_me_a_bad_pun_so_i/
%
what elongates when you pull on it, fits perfectly in a hole and good between breasts?

a dick.
what did you think i was gonna say, a seatbelt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl8kqp/what_elongates_when_you_pull_on_it_fits_perfectly/
%
Every time I open my mouth

some idiot starts talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl8h6s/every_time_i_open_my_mouth/
%
Shingles

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied: “Shingles.”
So she wrote down his name, address and phone number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse came out and asked the man what he had. The man said: “Shingles!"
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later another nurse came in and asked him what he had. The man said: “Shingles!!"
So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found the man sitting patiently in the nude and asked him what he had.
The man said: “Shingles!!!”
The doctor asked: “What makes you so sure?”
The man answered: “ They're outside on the truck!!! Where do you want me to unload them?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl8gci/shingles/
%
I got invited to a benefit for women with no legs...

I heard it’ll be crawling with pussy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl8f9u/i_got_invited_to_a_benefit_for_women_with_no_legs/
%
A Sexy Lady went to confess her sins to the Priest

Priest: Tell me lady,why are you here confessing your sins?
Sexy Girl: Forgive me for I have sin, everytime I hear a man cursing or saying bad words I just cant stop myself but to get aroused and wants to have sex with him
Priest: Fucking Shit! Wtf!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl88vr/a_sexy_lady_went_to_confess_her_sins_to_the_priest/
%
I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl819x/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_98/
%
What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

Senator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl7vtd/what_do_you_call_a_lawyer_with_an_iq_of_50/
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3 operating systems walk into a bar

The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager."
The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!"
The third says "I'm Linux. I'll have some water, hops, barley and yeast please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl7ush/3_operating_systems_walk_into_a_bar/
%
So the trailer for Sonic the Hedgehog was released on the eve of Ramadan

Looks like he’s gotta go fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl7sif/so_the_trailer_for_sonic_the_hedgehog_was/
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I’m reading a horror story in Braille

Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl7rvv/im_reading_a_horror_story_in_braille/
%
Took my final exam on magic mushrooms

I passed with flying colors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl7rm2/took_my_final_exam_on_magic_mushrooms/
%
Two men were having a slow round of golf

The two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl7r8r/two_men_were_having_a_slow_round_of_golf/
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You shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people,

You should write it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl7q7n/you_shouldnt_say_bad_stuff_about_illiterate_people/
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New Tesla’s don’t come with a new car smell

They come with an Elon musk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl7jlk/new_teslas_dont_come_with_a_new_car_smell/
%
What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh?

You gonna eat that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl7huj/what_did_mike_tyson_say_to_van_gogh/
%
I once wanted to make a joke about sodium.

But Na, they might not get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl7hso/i_once_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_sodium/
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What would Elvis be doing if he was alive right now?

Clawing at the inside of his coffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl7gq1/what_would_elvis_be_doing_if_he_was_alive_right/
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There are 27 bones in the human hand

And 28 when I'm lonely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl7fx8/there_are_27_bones_in_the_human_hand/
%
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them.
They’re imaginary too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl7fpl/my_friends_laughed_at_me_when_i_told_them_i_had_a/
%
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

Shakespeare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl7d05/what_do_you_call_a_nervous_javelin_thrower/
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An old man was explaining to his grandson about major things that happened in his life.

“Now most people associate salsa as a Mexican condiment”, he said. “But actually we loved mayonnaise”. “Wow!”, said the boy. “Most people don’t know that in 1912 after docking in New York, the titanic’s next stop was the eastern shores of Mexico. And below the deck was 15 tons of mayo. As we all know the titanic sank. Now this is why we remember this tragedy in Mexico and America every year on may fifth.. It’s known as Sinco the Mayo.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl76g0/an_old_man_was_explaining_to_his_grandson_about/
%
Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl74rf/happy_ramadan_to_all_my_muslim_brothers_and/
%
What ‘J’ stands for in Donald J Trump?

Genius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl70rn/what_j_stands_for_in_donald_j_trump/
%
What's Hitlers favourite video-game?

Mein craft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl70p8/whats_hitlers_favourite_videogame/
%
Why is it so hard breaking up with a Japanese person?

You have to drop the bomb twice for them to understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl6rov/why_is_it_so_hard_breaking_up_with_a_japanese/
%
I really love how the Earth turns

It really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl6mms/i_really_love_how_the_earth_turns/
%
A hungry cowboy walks into a saloon

The cowboy sits down at the bar but hes short on money.
He looks around and sees a man staring at a bowl of chili.
Cowboy- "are you going to finish that?"
The man without saying a word or looking up slides the bowl over.
The cowboy starts eating and starts thinking to himself this is pretty good.
The cowboy gets halfway done with the chili and sees a dead rat in the bowl and throws up into the bowl.
The man looks over and says "yup, thats about as far as i got to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl6i1r/a_hungry_cowboy_walks_into_a_saloon/
%
Why are priests called father?

Because it’s too suspicious to call them daddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl6gld/why_are_priests_called_father/
%
One day I'll pretend to be gay...

I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it......
BAMM!! !! !!
... I'll fuck their boyfriends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl6gg8/one_day_ill_pretend_to_be_gay/
%
I attended my first cannibal wedding the other day

Favorite part was when the best man roasted the groom. It was savage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl6ch9/i_attended_my_first_cannibal_wedding_the_other_day/
%
If you want your water bed to be more bouncy...

Use spring water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl67jy/if_you_want_your_water_bed_to_be_more_bouncy/
%
The Sonic trailer dropped on the eve of Ramadan.

This is because he gotta go fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl66ec/the_sonic_trailer_dropped_on_the_eve_of_ramadan/
%
A man walks into a bar...

And he notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to
the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar
and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,
"What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10
which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream
down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a
terrible fight -then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl639t/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Told my co-worker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same.

So I turned on the air-conditioning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl61fb/told_my_coworker_how_i_felt_turns_out_she_felt/
%
My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb and told me to make sure it was on tight.
I still looked confused.
She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.
"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.
She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.
"You like these?"
I could only nod my head.
She said to put the condom on.
As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down.
"Come on." she said. "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her.
It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes!
She looked at me concerned and asked, "Did you put the condom on?"
I said, "I sure did!"
...and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl608c/my_first_time_buying_condoms_at_age_16_i_went_to/
%
A mexican with a boner runs into a wall, what does he break?

His lawnmower.
A Jew with a boner runs into a wall, what does he break?
His nose.
A thai woman runs into a wall, what does he break?
Her boner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl5z1u/a_mexican_with_a_boner_runs_into_a_wall_what_does/
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An Irishman at the bar.

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:
"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."
He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."
"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."
"But ya fuck one goat.."
(Just a repost of one of my favourite jokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl5xyn/an_irishman_at_the_bar/
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SUPER DROLL, MORE LIKE

**A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”**
**“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.**
**“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”**
**“Then I’d be a football fan.”**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl5uco/super_droll_more_like/
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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl5tnu/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
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Everyday I meet people who treat me like a god

They talk to me when they need something, otherwise its like I dont exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl5q46/everyday_i_meet_people_who_treat_me_like_a_god/
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Why is Santa’s sack so big

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl5n7j/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show

I hope she gets the message that were not working out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl5h9c/i_invited_my_girlfriend_to_go_to_the_gym_with_me/
%
Whats the difference between an accident and a disaster?

An accident is if a ship full of feminists sinks, a disaster is if they all can swin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl5eqh/whats_the_difference_between_an_accident_and_a/
%
“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here”

“I never went to college”
“Oh sorry. Unfortunately you’re not qualified to work here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl5cws/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl5bcc/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”

“Good idea” I replied,  “We can cover more ground that way.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl5b7b/my_girlfriend_said_you_act_like_a_detective_too/
%
What’s Thanos’s sexual preference?

Bisexual. Because he likes to keep his relationships balanced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl59pn/whats_thanoss_sexual_preference/
%
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl56y3/a_man_came_round_in_hospital_after_a_serious/
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A poor man goes into a bar...

He sits down and orders a free water. The bartender says, “you look down, what’s wrong?” The poor man says, “I’ve got no money and no job, even my family won’t help. Do you know if there’s any way to make money in this town?” At this, the man next to him pipes up.
“Oh, look out for guys like this, bartender,” the man said. “First you give him a free drink, then you offer him a place to sleep, he comes to your house and robs the place, and scares your wife to death!”
“If that’s the case,” said the bartender, “what can I get for you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl554b/a_poor_man_goes_into_a_bar/
%
My wife asked me whether we experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl5309/my_wife_asked_me_whether_we_experimented_with_sex/
%
Happy Ramadan to all my muslim brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl51w8/happy_ramadan_to_all_my_muslim_brothers_and/
%
Jesus favorite sports?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl50sw/jesus_favorite_sports/
%
Anyone know a good pair of scissors?

Mine just aren’t cutting it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl508s/anyone_know_a_good_pair_of_scissors/
%
Did you hear about the party they threw when Kim Kardashian tripped and fell today?

It was a Hoedown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4yaf/did_you_hear_about_the_party_they_threw_when_kim/
%
what do you call a ghosts boobies?

Paranormal entitties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4xhy/what_do_you_call_a_ghosts_boobies/
%
China's so good at censorship

They gave themselves 5 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4vzs/chinas_so_good_at_censorship/
%
My new meth cocaine combo called methaine hasn't been selling well.

I think it's because it smells like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4vay/my_new_meth_cocaine_combo_called_methaine_hasnt/
%
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I’ve never paid $200 to have a lentil in my mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4thx/whats_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a/
%
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

But I'd never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4q9a/this_girl_said_she_recognized_me_from_the/
%
What do you call a gay couple laying on top of eachother?

A double rainbow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4oem/what_do_you_call_a_gay_couple_laying_on_top_of/
%
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is how politics works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4mb1/i_told_my_son_you_will_marry_the_girl_i_choose/
%
There were two guys in a lunatic asylum

One night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend didn't dare make the leap. He's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!"
The second guy just shakes his head, ands says, "What do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4m4v/there_were_two_guys_in_a_lunatic_asylum/
%
Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4jrt/call_me_a_racist_if_you_want_but_south_of_the/
%
I devoleped a fetish for figuring things out

I just came to that realization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4j8j/i_devoleped_a_fetish_for_figuring_things_out/
%
My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation.

I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4isq/my_therapist_says_my_job_is_too_stressful_and/
%
My mom always told me I was special.

But she never told me who Ed was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4i5r/my_mom_always_told_me_i_was_special/
%
Why do lesbians shop at Cabela’s

Because they hate Dick’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4grn/why_do_lesbians_shop_at_cabelas/
%
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks

"Do I come here often?"
.
.
.
.
(New to me joke and I searched before I posted.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4fw1/an_elderly_gentleman_pulls_up_his_sweatpants/
%
You know how holy water is made?

You take regular water and you boil the hell out of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4ed1/you_know_how_holy_water_is_made/
%
Justice is a dish best served cold

If it was served warm, it would be Justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4b34/justice_is_a_dish_best_served_cold/
%
The Lorena Bobbitt documentary was very informative and well directed, my only criticism is that it was way too long

They should have cut half of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl4637/the_lorena_bobbitt_documentary_was_very/
%
A highway cop stops a car that is going too slow

He gets out and goes up to the car, and finds it full of old ladies. He addresses the driver:
"Maam, you were going 20 miles an hour on a 70 mile an hour highway. Going that slow is too dangerous"
"But officer, I was just following the speed limit", she says, pointing to a sign up ahead.
"Maam, that sign means that you're on highway number 22. That's the speed limit sign", pointing at a sign that says 70.
"Oh. That makes sense. I'm sorry for the trouble, officer".
The officer looks in the back seat and notices that all the ladies back there look absolutely traumatized.
"Maam, if you don't mind me asking, what's up with your friends in the back?"
"Oh, that's nothing. They're just a little shaken up, since we just got off of highway 167"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl462u/a_highway_cop_stops_a_car_that_is_going_too_slow/
%
A priest is stranded in the middle of the ocean with no food, water, or any form of communication.

This priest is praying to God, asking to be saved. Shortly after, a boat comes along and the captain stops to see if he can help the priest.
"Do you need help, sir?" Asked the captain.
"No, God will save me." Replied the priest determined that such was true.
"Alright." Said the captain, leaving.  The priest prays even more, asking to be saved.  A second boat comes along with two fishermen.
"Do you need help?" Asked the fishermen.
"No, God will save me, I am certain." The priest said.
"Ok then." Said the two fishermen, leaving in their boat.
A third boat eventually came along, carrying food and water.
The people upon the boat see the priest, who looked very ill if he needed help.
"No, God will save me, I am certain of this!"  The priest replied weakly.
So, the third boat goes on its way and the priest priest dies very soon after.  In heaven, he asks God why he he had not been saved, and God replied:
"What do you mean?  I sent three boats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl448m/a_priest_is_stranded_in_the_middle_of_the_ocean/
%
A bloke has just got out of a time machine and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.

When I get older I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this twat as a kid, and force him to suck my cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl43yk/a_bloke_has_just_got_out_of_a_time_machine_and/
%
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

The only thing left was de-brie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl40b0/did_you_hear_about_the_explosion_at_the_cheese/
%
An elderly man steps into a confessional and tells the priest...

"I met a gorgeous 23-year-old professional cheerleader at a bar last night. After a LOT of drinks we went back to her place. Her roommate, a 22-year-old fashion model, was there. We started smoking pot, snorting cocaine and fooling around. Then we all went to the bedroom and did things I've only read about! This went on all night! I only just left them a little while ago."
The young priest says, "Drugs? Sex out of wedlock AND with multiple partners? You will have to do quite a lot of penance to make this right. How long has it been since your last confession?"
The old man says, "Oh. This isn't a confession. I'm not even Catholic."
The priest is taken aback. "Well then, why are you telling me this?"
The old man laughs. "Are you kidding? I'm 72 years old, son! I'm telling everyone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl3zr9/an_elderly_man_steps_into_a_confessional_and/
%
Did you hear about the lawyer who refused to represent U2 in court?

He didn’t want to work pro-Bono

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl3xd0/did_you_hear_about_the_lawyer_who_refused_to/
%
What do you call a 3.14 meter long snake

A π thon!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl3tdl/what_do_you_call_a_314_meter_long_snake/
%
Why was the ink drop sad

Because his mom went in the pen for a long sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl3rr8/why_was_the_ink_drop_sad/
%
It’s said that incest is bad,

I think it’s pretty relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl3mua/its_said_that_incest_is_bad/
%
I think my penis is allergic to women

Everytime my penis is touched by a woman it gets all red and swollen
Sometimes it's sick too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl3mtq/i_think_my_penis_is_allergic_to_women/
%
Why did Marvel fire Mark Ruffalo?

They don't need him. After all, hulk is just a big banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl3kcn/why_did_marvel_fire_mark_ruffalo/
%
My wife told me to stop singing "I'm a believer" or she would kill me, I thought she was joking...

But then I saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl3jo2/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_singing_im_a_believer_or/
%
I told my hot co-worker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So we both quit our shitty job without air conditioning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl3etp/i_told_my_hot_coworker_how_i_felt_turns_out_she/
%
PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl3dty/peta_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
I heard Venezuelans like 50 Cent

But they call him two thousand dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl3dnv/i_heard_venezuelans_like_50_cent/
%
My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’

That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl3dgk/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
%
My friend went to his premature ejaculators support group weekly meeting today

He later found out it was tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl39gc/my_friend_went_to_his_premature_ejaculators/
%
What do ghost cowboys wear?

BoOoOts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl37tp/what_do_ghost_cowboys_wear/
%
Give a homeless guy a meal he is happy for a day. Give a reddit user a joke.

They are happy for 4 years re-posting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl3757/give_a_homeless_guy_a_meal_he_is_happy_for_a_day/
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On arranged marriage

An American sitting in a bar with an Indian...
American guy: how can you guys marry women before knowing them?
Indian guy : how can you marry after knowing them?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl35r2/on_arranged_marriage/
%
I went to the air and space museum yesterday

There was nothing there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl31hp/i_went_to_the_air_and_space_museum_yesterday/
%
Why Do Nurses Carry Red Pens?

So they can draw blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl30x9/why_do_nurses_carry_red_pens/
%
What's the ultimate Jewish Dilemma?

Free ham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl30lf/whats_the_ultimate_jewish_dilemma/
%
My wife keeps leaving the oven on and it’s making me furious.

It’s gotten to the point that as soon as I hear her turn on the oven I get preheated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl2yvt/my_wife_keeps_leaving_the_oven_on_and_its_making/
%
I’m keeping track of all the exponentials I can find..

Everytime I see one, I log it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl2xcz/im_keeping_track_of_all_the_exponentials_i_can/
%
What is Thanos' favourite vegetable to snack on?

Snap peas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl2ugf/what_is_thanos_favourite_vegetable_to_snack_on/
%
What do you call a 6 year old that can run faster than me?

A virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl2r37/what_do_you_call_a_6_year_old_that_can_run_faster/
%
To the person who made auto correct

Restaurant in piece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl2pet/to_the_person_who_made_auto_correct/
%
What do you call a Hispanic midget?

Spec

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl2ne8/what_do_you_call_a_hispanic_midget/
%
The punchline comes first.

What's the worst part about time travel jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl2lp4/the_punchline_comes_first/
%
I asked someone why they don’t post on r/jokes

They said they don’t like recycling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl2kg5/i_asked_someone_why_they_dont_post_on_rjokes/
%
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl2ibj/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
What is 6.9

A good thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl2fyw/what_is_69/
%
People who don't know the difference between "burro" and "burrow"

Don't know the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl29th/people_who_dont_know_the_difference_between_burro/
%
A hippopotamus walks into a bar. He buys a drink for the rabbit on the bar stool. She bats her eyes at him. He asks for a dance..

The rabbit says "tango?"
He says "nope.... Lets do Hip Hop!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl21li/a_hippopotamus_walks_into_a_bar_he_buys_a_drink/
%
What did the one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl1ysj/what_did_the_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
Why did Susie fall off the swing?

Susie had no arms. Knock knock. Whos there? Not Susie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl1ygk/why_did_susie_fall_off_the_swing/
%
Why was 10 dead?

He was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl1w0n/why_was_10_dead/
%
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man off a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl1vju/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_hell_fly_for_a_day/
%
Someone tried to make a pun about sickness.

But it flu over my head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl1sd3/someone_tried_to_make_a_pun_about_sickness/
%
The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jamie.
The manager finds a man suitable for the job and tells him,
“All you’ve got to do is swing around and lay down for 12 hours a day. Act just as any gorilla would”
The man agrees, puts on the costume, and heads into his enclosure.
When the zoo opens, people rush to see the legendary Jamie the Gorilla. The man, though nervous at first, starts to walk around like a gorilla normally would. The observers smile at his actions so he decides to kick it up a notch.
The man grabs hold of a vine and begins to swing from one side of his enclosure to the other. The crowd shows admiration, laughing and pointing at his acrobatic skills.
The man decides to take things even further and does a backflip off of the vine onto a high tree branch. The crowd erupts with applause, chanting “Jamie! Jamie! Jamie!” at the top of their lungs.
The man decides he will do one final stunt. He climbs up onto the vine and builds up some momentum, however as he begins to reach a fast speed, his hand slips and he flies over a wall right into the lion enclosure!
Panicking, the man begins to scream,
“Help me! I’m not actually a gorilla, please someone help!”
The lion snarls and pounces on the man and says
“Hey man, shut your mouth or we’re both gonna lose our jobs!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl1nyi/the_boston_zoo_had_a_large_problem/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10 but also imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl1kdw/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
That Step-Ladder means a lot to me

I never knew my real ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl1gbn/that_stepladder_means_a_lot_to_me/
%
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

quatro sinko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl1ex2/what_do_you_call_4_mexicans_in_quicksand/
%
Unvaccinated children DO have a lower rate of autism.

Because they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl1e7i/unvaccinated_children_do_have_a_lower_rate_of/
%
A blonde goes into work with both her ears bandaged up...

Her boss asks what the hell happened.
She says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt, and the phone rang. I accidentally answered the iron."
"That explains why one ear is bandaged. What happened to your other ear?"
"Well, I *had* to call an ambulance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl1dik/a_blonde_goes_into_work_with_both_her_ears/
%
My friend Jack has recently started an odd behavior. Every time I see him he starts hissing.

And then he proceeds to let me down gently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl19ye/my_friend_jack_has_recently_started_an_odd/
%
What's an Irish seven course meal?

A six pack and a potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl149n/whats_an_irish_seven_course_meal/
%
Mid-life Crisis

A man in his 40's bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to rev her up.
As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Tesla," he thought to himself and revved her up further. The needle hit 100, 120.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl116e/midlife_crisis/
%
I found a place where the recycling rate is 99.99%

/r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl106s/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_9999/
%
A lady from New York was visiting family in Texas

They went to a restaurant and during thier meal the lady began choking on a piece of bread. One of the concerned locals quickly took action. He lifted up her dress and stuck his toungue inside her anus. The lady was so shocked by this she coughed up the bread that was lodged in her trachea.
The Texan returned to his table and said proudly to his friends "good ole hind lick maneuver gets 'em every time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl0xo6/a_lady_from_new_york_was_visiting_family_in_texas/
%
I saw a woman on her mobile phone while I was driving next to her, I was so pissed off with the irresponsible cow.

I threw my bottle of whiskey at her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl0w27/i_saw_a_woman_on_her_mobile_phone_while_i_was/
%
I told HR they should give me a raise because I had three companies after me...

Gas, Water, and Electric.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl0tl0/i_told_hr_they_should_give_me_a_raise_because_i/
%
A 10 year old boy sees a sign for a brothel and not knowing what it was asks his father about it.

The father, not feeling like talking about sex with his son yet says it's a place where men go to get what they want for a sum of money.
The son is intrigued and saves up some money for a month.
He goes to the brothel and is greeted by the front door hostess.
Hostess: *aren't you a little young to come here?*
Boy: *my father said that men can come here and pay to get what they want.*
Hostess: *and what do you want boy?*
Boy: *I want three slices of bread with jelly on them.*
The hostess is a little confused, but money is money and not seeing anything bad about giving some food to the boy, she complies.
The boy quickly eats two slices of bread, but was feeling full, so he only licked the jelly of the third slice of bread.
When the boy got outside he happened to run into his father just as he exited the brothel.
Dad (shocked): *why are you here? What have you done inside?*
Boy: *I finished two of them quickly, but I just licked the third one.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl0hbl/a_10_year_old_boy_sees_a_sign_for_a_brothel_and/
%
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl0cu4/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
%
The Aging Process

The aging Process
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those broads with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again?  Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again.  "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl041g/the_aging_process/
%
Spring is finally here

I got so excited I wet my plants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl01sa/spring_is_finally_here/
%
Why are Hands important

Because they are handy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bl00nn/why_are_hands_important/
%
What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?

Oh sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkzyye/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_of_the_bed/
%
Yo Mama So Fat....

Thanos Had To Clap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkzyk6/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
Your mommas so poor...

She goes to KFC and licks everyone elses fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkzxti/your_mommas_so_poor/
%
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?

He got hit by a truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkzx54/why_did_the_boy_drop_his_ice_cream/
%
They say 3 out 10 people in Japan have cataracts.

The rest drive Toyota or Mitsubishis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkztsq/they_say_3_out_10_people_in_japan_have_cataracts/
%
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.

For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkzt6t/several_epidemics_throughout_history_have_many/
%
What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkzq4n/whats_the_scientifically_proven_amount_of_sleep/
%
A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas

The brunette says : "I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace."
And then the blonde says :  "What do you do when you run out of children?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkznuz/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_talking_about_what_to/
%
Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background?

I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkzm4q/dont_you_hate_it_when_youre_trying_to_have_a_nap/
%
The big misunderstanding

A young German man is sitting all day in his room, playing video games. His granddad berates him:
When I was your age I was living crazy life. I went to Moulin Rouge, drank all night without paying, climbed on the scene to dance with the girls, slapped one of them and went home with the other.
Impressed the young men departs to Paris. He comes back home the next day, upset and angry.
\-Granddad you lied to me. I tried to do what you told me and the security beat the shit out of me.
\-Hmm, who did you go with?
\-Just Claus and Dieter-my best friends.
\-See, that was your mistake. I went there with the whole 4th Waffen-SS division.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkzg4x/the_big_misunderstanding/
%
I was digging in the back garden...

.. Whan I came across a horde of viking coins, I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife,
Until I remembered why I was digging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkz66d/i_was_digging_in_the_back_garden/
%
What do you call a 3.14 meter long snake?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkz43w/what_do_you_call_a_314_meter_long_snake/
%
If you ever get cold,

Just stand in a corner for a bit. They’re usually around 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkz15j/if_you_ever_get_cold/
%
The difference between running in front of vs behind a car.

If you run in front of a car, you'll get tired.
If you run behind it, you'll get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkz0kr/the_difference_between_running_in_front_of_vs/
%
3 Database admins walk into a NoSQL bar

They soon walk out because they couldn't find a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkyzry/3_database_admins_walk_into_a_nosql_bar/
%
My girlfriend told me that if anything happened to her, I am free to see other people.

Apparently “getting stuck in traffic “ doesn’t count for anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkyyuh/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_if_anything_happened/
%
We all know why 6 is afraid of 7, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkyqvi/we_all_know_why_6_is_afraid_of_7_but_why_did_7/
%
Deja Moo

It's the feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkymd9/deja_moo/
%
A janitor at a church is minding his own business cleaning the floors when the priest runs to him telling him he needs help

The priest says to the janitor
“J I need your help, I have to run an errand really quick but I need you to fill in for me for confessions.”  J says, “Father I cant I don’t know what to assign for punishments or pennants.
Father replies saying, “Its fine there’s a sheet in there that will tell you everything.” And then the priest leaves. Reluctantly J walks into the booth and starts doing confessions. Surprisingly, everything is going smoothly until a young beautiful woman comes in saying to J, “forgive me father for I have sinned, I gave oral sex to a man last week.” J goes, “you - yo- what?” The woman repeats quietly, “I gave a man a blowjob okay?” J says, “alright, for your pennants...” as J is looking at the sheet he sees nothing about a blowjob, in a panic he rushes out finds the little altar server Jimmy and asks frantically, “Jimmy what does father give for a blowjob?!?!?”  Jimmy replies, “A coke and a candy bar if you’re good looking”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkyjvk/a_janitor_at_a_church_is_minding_his_own_business/
%
Have you been forced to walk 500 miles? Then forced to walk 500 more? You may be entitled to compensation!

Call the Pro Claimers now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkyi0k/have_you_been_forced_to_walk_500_miles_then/
%
Eli5: "I once knew someone with narcolepsy, it's the craziest shit. One minute we'd be having a conversion, everything's fine. The next minute I'm having sex "

This joke from jeselnik's special, what does he imply?
Date rape? Or that he doesn't understand what narcolepsy is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkygz2/eli5_i_once_knew_someone_with_narcolepsy_its_the/
%
E-flat walks into a bar...

The bartender says “Sorry we don’t serve minors”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkyfet/eflat_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkydsj/my_dad_always_said_work_until_your_bank_account/
%
Your mama so fat...

##Thanos had to clap... >!Twice!!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkyd37/your_mama_so_fat/
%
A young gay couple moved into the apartment next to me and my girlfriend. All you could hear all night was unbearable moaning from hard-core anal sex.

Honestly, I don’t know why they put up with us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkyavh/a_young_gay_couple_moved_into_the_apartment_next/
%
What do you call someone with short term memory?

I forgot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bky8qo/what_do_you_call_someone_with_short_term_memory/
%
Three vampires walk into a bar...

The first one says “I’ll have a pint of blood”
The second says “I’ll have one too”
The third says “I’ll have a pint of plasma”
The bartender says “So that’ll be two bloods and a blood lite?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bky2q8/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
%
why don't we ever see elephants hiding in trees?

because they're hiding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bky2b2/why_dont_we_ever_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
How many kidneys do kids have?

4. When they become adults two of them become adult knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxz5w/how_many_kidneys_do_kids_have/
%
A partially deaf kid and his mum

So, it’s a Saturday morning and this partially deaf kids mum asks him to go to the shops to pick up a some bread and a new clock and then he can stop by the stadium to pick up a football ticket for tomorrow’s game.
So off the kid heads to the bakery and being partially deaf he asks the baker “can I have a bum please?” The Baker replies “don’t you mean a bun?” The deaf kid answers “yes that’s what I said a bum” anyway he purchases the bun and makes his way to the hardware store where he proceeds to the counter and asks “I’d like to buy a cock please” the guy looks a little confused but suddenly realises he means clock and so the deaf kid purchases it and now heads down to the football stadium where he gets to the ticket booth and says “can I have a licket for tomorrow’s game” the woman organises him a ticket understanding what he meant and off he heads home.
On the way home a woman stops him and asks him for the time and the kid responds “sure, hold my bum and licket whilst I get my cock out”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxz5h/a_partially_deaf_kid_and_his_mum/
%
I drove to Vegas in a $150,000 Porsche

Came home in an $800,000 bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxw8v/i_drove_to_vegas_in_a_150000_porsche/
%
A ship full of condiments capsized this morning...

They called it the “Sinko de Mayo”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxw68/a_ship_full_of_condiments_capsized_this_morning/
%
A Russian enters a bar full of English people

.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "English got 3 problems."
Just a few seconds later the English oppose him and say "Hey, you know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The Russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."
The English respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside." The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."
The English bring him outside and pull out their knives. The Russian says, "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxw4l/a_russian_enters_a_bar_full_of_english_people/
%
We were forced to attend a sex ed lesson on how to hold orgasms

Nobody came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxvkc/we_were_forced_to_attend_a_sex_ed_lesson_on_how/
%
What has 5 legs and barks?

A pitbull in a playground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxvgp/what_has_5_legs_and_barks/
%
Due to intense training I've finally mastered Ninjitsu, Judo and...

Two other Japanese words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxve6/due_to_intense_training_ive_finally_mastered/
%
Why should every band have a manager?

Because managers can offer sound advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxpkf/why_should_every_band_have_a_manager/
%
Little Johnny raises his hand in class...

"Hey Teach, can I go to the bathroom, I gotta take a piss right bad!"
The teacher at the end of her rope dealing with his antics all day screamed at him, "URINATE JOHNNY  !! URINATE  !!"
Johnny without missing a beat replied, "Thanks teach, I always thought of myself as a solid 7 but apparently you have a thing for bad boys." *wink*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxo6k/little_johnny_raises_his_hand_in_class/
%
Michael Jackson had to quit the Cub Scouts.

He was up to a pack a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxnvo/michael_jackson_had_to_quit_the_cub_scouts/
%
How does your house get power?

The people at power plants "Work over time"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxlj5/how_does_your_house_get_power/
%
A man buys a horse

The man is very religious, so instead of saying, “giddy up,” for the horse to speed up, and “woah there,” for the horse to slow down, he decides to train his horse differently. Whenever he says, “Praise the Lord,” his horse will start running. Whenever he says, “Hallelujah,” the horse will slow down. Unfortunately for him, this man is a little forgetful so one day he goes out riding on his horse, and suddenly birds fly down and scare his horse. The horse starts galloping as fast as he can, running right toward a cliff. The man frantically tries to remember what he taught the horse, yelling, “Merry Christmas!” and, “Peace be with you!” The horse keeps going. The horse is just about to reach the cliff when the man shouts, “Hallelujah! Hallelujah!” The horse comes to a near instant stop, right at the edge of the cliff. The man is so relieved that he says, “Praise the Lord!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxknh/a_man_buys_a_horse/
%
My friend saw my dog licking her privates and said "I wish I could do that"

I replied, "I wouldn't try it, she might get angry"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxji7/my_friend_saw_my_dog_licking_her_privates_and/
%
I was studying hard for a midterm when I heard a knock on my door.

+Knock knock.
-Who is there?
+Your nation!
-What are you talking about?
+Procrastination.
Needless to say I have been on reddit since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxiov/i_was_studying_hard_for_a_midterm_when_i_heard_a/
%
I was telling my mate, how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother.

"Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?" he asked
"Well not really, I only went back two days"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxfe7/i_was_telling_my_mate_how_my_time_machine/
%
Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?

Cause he's a fun-gi!
Why didn't he get invited to last night's party?
Cause there wasn't mushroom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxdqd/why_did_the_mushroom_get_invited_to_the_party/
%
If any of you here are thinking about getting married, consider the following

On the one hand, you get to wear a cool ring
On the other hand, you don’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkxcfr/if_any_of_you_here_are_thinking_about_getting/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter, he won’t come when you call for him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkx8fa/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
If you take all your veins and lay them end to end...

... you'd die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkx24r/if_you_take_all_your_veins_and_lay_them_end_to_end/
%
If you have 4 apples in one hand, and one and a half times as many in the other, what have you got?

Huge fucking hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkwuj6/if_you_have_4_apples_in_one_hand_and_one_and_a/
%
A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent

, but he’s turned down by most landlords because of his large dog (mastiff, doberman, etc.). He finally secures a carriage house that’s in the backyard of a house owned by two old women by assuring the ladies that the dog is perfectly friendly, which, of course, it is. The landladies have a rabbit hutch in the backyard which contains two white rabbits. Months pass, and everyone gets along just fine. The man had trained the dog not to pester the rabbits while he’s away at work, and the dog is quite obedient.
One night, though, the man returns from a long weekend away on business. His dog is beside itself with joy to see the master return, but it’s late, the man is tired, so he plops right down in bed and falls asleep, leaving the dog outside. In the middle of the night the man is woken up by the strange sounds that his dog is making outside the bedroom window, a kind of muffled whimpering. When he opens the front door he sees the dog standing there with one of the rabbits in its mouth! After a quick smack or two on the head the dog drops the rabbit on the ground, and the man immediately picks the bunny up and brings it inside where it’s light. The rabbit is brown with dirt but apparently undamaged, so the man rushes to wash it off and dry it. He slips out the door into the dark night, returns the rabbit to the hutch, and brings the dog inside. Thinking the women won’t notice, he falls asleep.
In the morning, as he’s leaving the carriage house for work, he sees the two old ladies standing around the rabbit hutch, which he must pass by on his way out of the backyard. He figures everything’s alright and the rabbit is unhurt, but when he walks up and says good morning he notices that the women are completely distraught and crying. In fact, one of the women is making the sign of the cross over and over again. The man knows that he’s probably been caught, but he decides to be cagey and asks, “What happened? Did the rabbits die?”
“Well, one of them did,” replies one of the women, “but we buried him three days ago and now he’s back in the hutch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkwsm8/a_man_moves_to_town_and_hunts_around_for_an/
%
My dad told me to make little things count

I'm now teaching midgets math.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkwowi/my_dad_told_me_to_make_little_things_count/
%
Only Anti-Vaxers will get this.

Measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkwkqk/only_antivaxers_will_get_this/
%
The teacher told us that the first people to have a surname had some kind of story on how people began to call them that, like how Michael Collins was a drunkard

Somehow i dont wanna know Emily Dickinson's story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkwfr6/the_teacher_told_us_that_the_first_people_to_have/
%
What's the difference between chasing a car on foot or being chased by a car on foot?

If you're chasing a car you eventually get exhausted
If you're getting chased by a car eventually you get tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkwc4j/whats_the_difference_between_chasing_a_car_on/
%
What’s the best animal to go to a restaurant with?

A duck, because they’ve got the bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkw9q9/whats_the_best_animal_to_go_to_a_restaurant_with/
%
What’s the hardest part of riding a moped?

Telling your parents you’re gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkw6ei/whats_the_hardest_part_of_riding_a_moped/
%
Lawyer joke

A lawyer is in an elevator when a stunning woman walks in. When the doors close she turns to the lawyer and says "what if I dropped to my knees right here and gave you a blow job?"
The lawyer replies "OK, but what's in it for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkw206/lawyer_joke/
%
A fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant.

It's lying on the ground in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it and the elephant happily trots away.
20 years later the man in standing in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When along comes an elephant, as it gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk and lift him into the air and smashes him into the ground.
It was a different elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkw1xb/a_fella_is_on_safari_in_africa_when_he_comes/
%
I was gonna make a joke about pancakes.

But it's pretty crepe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkvze3/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_about_pancakes/
%
I read the Book of Genesis yesterday.

And it was good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkvxlq/i_read_the_book_of_genesis_yesterday/
%
How does Hermione deal with constipation?

EXPELLIANUS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkvqj8/how_does_hermione_deal_with_constipation/
%
How do you get a clown off a swing?

Hit him with an axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkvpf2/how_do_you_get_a_clown_off_a_swing/
%
Why aren't there any Wal Marts in Afghanistan?

Because there is a Target on every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkvmyo/why_arent_there_any_wal_marts_in_afghanistan/
%
I took out the batteries

from my monoxide detector.
Its constant beeping was giving me a headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkvmye/i_took_out_the_batteries/
%
My girlfriend cheated on me and then got hit by a bus and died.

I lost my job as a bus driver afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkvhmd/my_girlfriend_cheated_on_me_and_then_got_hit_by_a/
%
I wrote the most disgusting joke ever.

Don't say I didn't warn you.
Why don't mother vampires nurse their infants?
Because they only bleed once a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkvgxm/i_wrote_the_most_disgusting_joke_ever/
%
Why wasn't 5 bothered when 7 ate the horrible cake 9 had made for 6?

Because 781452.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkvgwx/why_wasnt_5_bothered_when_7_ate_the_horrible_cake/
%
A plane is in the middle of turbulence

The flight attendant comes to the main cabin and says: "Everyone please take your passports out."
Everyone takes their passports out.
"Now please find the page where your picture is and rip the page out."
Everyone rips the page out.
"Now roll up the paper and shove it up your ass so it would be easier to identify the bodies later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkvgke/a_plane_is_in_the_middle_of_turbulence/
%
Why was 10 scared?

He was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkvfjv/why_was_10_scared/
%
My girlfriend borrowed 100$ from me.

After 3 years we broke up and she returned that 100$ back to me.
I lost interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkvaby/my_girlfriend_borrowed_100_from_me/
%
How do mathematicians communicate with each other?

Sine Language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkva9k/how_do_mathematicians_communicate_with_each_other/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 reposted jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkv8cj/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
Little girl and the atheist

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."  To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkv7dd/little_girl_and_the_atheist/
%
When midgets cuddle,

Is it called tea spooning?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkv6q7/when_midgets_cuddle/
%
Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn’t see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkv5l8/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_down_the_well/
%
*At the hospital*

“What’s your height, sir?”
“183 cm, doctor.”
“I’m no doctor, sir. I’m the coffin maker...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkv4bk/at_the_hospital/
%
Yesterday my school held a seminar on how to orgasm

Nobody came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkv3e6/yesterday_my_school_held_a_seminar_on_how_to/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man then says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkuw3e/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby_the_driver/
%
I suspect my wife has put superglue on all my firearms.

She denies it of course but I’m sticking to my guns!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkurrf/i_suspect_my_wife_has_put_superglue_on_all_my/
%
Do you know someone with no body and no nose?

Of course you don't, nobody knows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkuo1z/do_you_know_someone_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
%
How much space is freed up when Brexit finally happens?

1 GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkunm8/how_much_space_is_freed_up_when_brexit_finally/
%
Two condoms walk into a gay bar

One says to the other,
“HEY! Wanna get shit faced?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkuniq/two_condoms_walk_into_a_gay_bar/
%
I saw avengers endgame today, I want my money back.

The last 20 minutes were blurry as hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkukbr/i_saw_avengers_endgame_today_i_want_my_money_back/
%
I sold my vacuum cleaner

It was just gathering dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkuij2/i_sold_my_vacuum_cleaner/
%
Went into a sensory deprivation tank for the first time and this is my review:

Eh. I wasn’t really feeling it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkuigy/went_into_a_sensory_deprivation_tank_for_the/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee?

Because they're dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkuen1/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_pee/
%
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own ?

Because it’s two tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkueeu/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
%
Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

Wife: It’s hard to live with him. He’s so literal.
Me: My truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkuayd/therapist_so_what_brings_the_two_of_you_here_today/
%
A guy dies and is sent to hell (hear me out on this one)

He meets the devil there, who presents to him three doors. He says that he can look into each room behind the doors and choose one to spend eternity in. The guys opens the first door and sees people standing in dirt up to their waists. In the second room he sees people standing in dirt up to their necks. In the third room people are standing in dirt up to their knees and they're all drinking coffee and eating muffins. The guys says to the devil "I think I'll choose the third room" He enters, grabs a muffin, and starts to pour a cup of coffee. The devil says "Alright, coffee break over. Everyone back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkuaem/a_guy_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell_hear_me_out_on/
%
The Englishmen and the Welshman

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock)
Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkua8y/the_englishmen_and_the_welshman/
%
A guy walks into a proctologist’s office...

The doctor asks, “what seems to be the problem?”
“Well,” the man says, “I have a piece of lettuce sticking out of my asshole.”
The doctor, with a puzzled expression on his face, says “ok, well pull down your pants and let’s have a look.” The man obliges and sure enough there is a piece of lettuce sticking out of his ass.
The doctor pulls it out and shows the man. “Is that all, Doc?” The man asks.
“Oh no,” exclaims the doctor, “that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bku8j0/a_guy_walks_into_a_proctologists_office/
%
The 3 shortest books ever written are:

Polish Wisdom
Jewish Business Ethics
Black Guys I Met While Yachting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bku82o/the_3_shortest_books_ever_written_are/
%
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?

Me: because it was useless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bku7wn/my_mom_son_why_did_i_find_how_to_delete_your/
%
Preschools and bars have the same rule.

You pee your pants, you go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bku6w6/preschools_and_bars_have_the_same_rule/
%
My school had a assembly about preventing orgasms.

Nobody came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bku5jm/my_school_had_a_assembly_about_preventing_orgasms/
%
Today I learned how to make an Irish cocktail.

Take a half glass of whiskey and add it to another half glass of whiskey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bku4eu/today_i_learned_how_to_make_an_irish_cocktail/
%
Why do the shoes always lose?!

.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
Because of defeat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bku108/why_do_the_shoes_always_lose/
%
Everybody is all about "May the fourth be with you" because of Star Wars.

Meanwhile people with a lisp are complaining, "you bathtardth, we've been thayin it the thame way for yearth and nobody hath ever done thit for uth!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktz4q/everybody_is_all_about_may_the_fourth_be_with_you/
%
I saw a knife that was dressed quite fancily.

I thought to myself "he looks pretty sharp".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktyga/i_saw_a_knife_that_was_dressed_quite_fancily/
%
Whats the real problem of losing a thumb?

You actually lose the middle finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktyeo/whats_the_real_problem_of_losing_a_thumb/
%
Blowjob

I was walking along the railway and found a woman tied to the tracks. I freed her and she was so grateful that we made love for hours. She probably would have given me a blowjob if only I had found her head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktu2i/blowjob/
%
Why can’t most girls count to 70?

Because 69 is a mouthful!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktt03/why_cant_most_girls_count_to_70/
%
I hate when people ask me what I’m going to do next year

Come on guys, I don’t have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktsvz/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_what_im_going_to_do/
%
Where in a house is the safest place to hide from zombies?

The living room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktskt/where_in_a_house_is_the_safest_place_to_hide_from/
%
A toothpick saw a hedgehog.

“Oh wow, a bus.” It says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktr77/a_toothpick_saw_a_hedgehog/
%
Yesterday my friend was showing off the features of his Huawei P10. Another friend stepped up with his P30 claiming it had 3 times the features.

Today they'll see what my P90 can do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktmg0/yesterday_my_friend_was_showing_off_the_features/
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My mother used to say "never come back home late at night"

I never disobey her. I come back early in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktlzo/my_mother_used_to_say_never_come_back_home_late/
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"A teenager jumps into the bus and exclaims 'I've lost my virginity!'"

An old man says "Super! Sit down and tell us about it all."
The boy replies "Nah, my ass is still sore!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktll4/a_teenager_jumps_into_the_bus_and_exclaims_ive/
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A sadistic tyrant was finally defeated and dethroned.

During his decades of reign, the tyrant had used many cruel and unusual punishments against those who had stood against him. He had people doused in boiling water, he had cut limbs off people without just cause, he had them crucified and more.
He enjoyed watching people suffer. However, his being a sadist didn't stop him from being a coward. He hardly ever actually partook in the tortures he put his subjects through. However, he had cultivated a taste for striking his subjects square on their faces, randomly and without reason.
Wherever he visited, his citizens were subjected to this humiliation. It didn't matter whether it was a man, woman or child -- when the tyrant visited a village or a town, he had the residents all organized in a line and he moved from one to the other, gleefully enjoying the pain in his subjects' faces are they received his blows. Those who flinched were to be subjected to worse torture, which he again enjoyed watching. People had no choice but to quietly receive their hits.
Now that he was defeated by the rebellion, and a fair king sat on the throne, the day soon came for the tyrant to be punished. The new king decided that the tyrant would be publicly humiliated, much like he had done to the citizens of the kingdom and then executed.
On the day of the tyrant's punishment, vast crowds gathered, all eager at the chance to pay the tyrant back for the humiliation they had suffered.
Peter, a frail old farmer from the capital, who had been subjected to the sadistic whims of the tyrant more than once, entered the field where the punishment was being handed out glad to finally get a chance to strike the tyrant in the face. As he entered, he saw long organized lines and in the distance, in a raised stage, the tyrant. The citizens of the kingdom climbed the stage one by one, hit the tyrant and then moved on.
A knight took Peter by the hand and led him to a line that was mostly made up of women and children.
Incensed at being grouped with women and children, Peter tapped the shoulder of the knight and asked, "What's this? Why am I in the line with the women and children?"
The knight replied, "What did you expect? You're weak and old."
"And?" challenged Peter.
"And... this is the weak punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktiho/a_sadistic_tyrant_was_finally_defeated_and/
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkth2r/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It don't matter he ain't coming anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktcpj/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on an island...

They know civilization is only 50 miles away. The redhead decides she’s going to swim for it. She swims out 5 miles, gets tired and drowns.
Then the brunette decides to try. She swims 10 miles out, gets tires and drowns.
Finally the blonde decides to try her luck. She swims 25 miles out, gets tired, and swims back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktcn5/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stranded_on/
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I think my girlfriend is bi-sexual

The more I bi for her, the more sexual she gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktbuq/i_think_my_girlfriend_is_bisexual/
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I got a new dry erase board at work

It's remarkable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bktagq/i_got_a_new_dry_erase_board_at_work/
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An autistic child first time going to school

So first time posting here. It is my favorite joke and I have never seen it posted. It is better with some gesture and noise but I'll try anyway, I'll do my best to translate it in English. (sorry if my English isn't perfect but I have to share this masterpiece)
A mother tell her autistic son :
-Tomorrow you are gonna go to school for the first time, you can be like every other kid, but I can't take you to school and you have to take the bus.
The kid goes : Uhuhuhuhu
On the morning he goes to the bus stop, he is sitting balancing himself and making his calming noise, uhuhuhuhu
The bus pass and don't stop.
So the kid start crying while going back to his home and spent the day crying. When his mother came back home after works he tell her while sobbing that the bus didn't stopped to take him.
- Maybe the bus driver didn't saw you, usually there is nobody at that bus stop. Tomorrow you're gonna wave to the bus driver! He will stop!
On the next morning the kid goes to the bus stop and start balancing himself. Uhuhuhuuhuh
The bus pass and the kid is seriously waving his arms while yelling "uhuhuhuuhuh"
But the bus don't stop and the kid goes back home crying again. His mother come back after work and he proceed to tell her that the bus didn't stop.
- Maybe the bus driver didn't know you wanted to take the bus, usually there is nobody at that bus stop. Tomorrow you're gonna wave to the bus driver and go on the road. Like that he will be forced to stop.
So for the third time the kid goes to the bus stop.
He stay on the middle of the road furiously waving his arms while yelling at his maximum
"UHUHUHUUHUH"
*BOOM* The bus didn't stopped and the kid is seriously injured, people came to rescue him and he is sent to an hospital. His mother come visit him and proceed to tell him:
- This is not right! You have the same right as every kid, he have to bring you to school! I'm gonna sue the bus driver!
Few days passed and they're all at the tribunal.
The judge start furiously yelling at the bus driver:
- Aren't you ashamed? This little boy is like every other kid! He have the right to go to school like everybody! What do you have to say for your defense?
The bus driver :
*Furiously waving his arms*
-Uhuhuhuhuh, I don't like when people are mocking me, Uhuhuhuhuh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkt9to/an_autistic_child_first_time_going_to_school/
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Pickpockecting is the same as kidnapping.

If your victim is a kangaroo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkt69e/pickpockecting_is_the_same_as_kidnapping/
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How Much of Northern Canada is Hospitable?

Nunavut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkt34c/how_much_of_northern_canada_is_hospitable/
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Do you know the saying "two wrongs don't make a right"

My parents didn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bksyhr/do_you_know_the_saying_two_wrongs_dont_make_a/
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TIL

Larry Birkhead actually procreated with Anna Nicole Smith, wasn’t just a random Birkenstock enthusiast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bksy13/til/
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2 drunk men

Walk into a brothel, staggering and slurred they ask for 2 girls. The madam says to one of the girls “just give them blow up dolls, they will never know the difference.
When they come out the they ask how it was
“Terrible” says the guy “she was like a sack of potatoes, never even moved!”
“Well mine was a witch, I nibbled her arse and she farted on my face and flew out the window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bksx19/2_drunk_men/
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Why was 10 traumatized?

It was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bksujt/why_was_10_traumatized/
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What does the mafia and pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkstzn/what_does_the_mafia_and_pussy_have_in_common/
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I was walking home from school when 2 thugs came and started beating the shit out of me. Suddenly, my brother shows up to help out.

Now I can't fight all three of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bksts9/i_was_walking_home_from_school_when_2_thugs_came/
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Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bksq4j/thanos_finger_snap_would_have_a_way_greater/
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A health inspector went to a latex factory.

The factory looked clean so far, and he went over to the gloves department. He saw that the workers dipped their hand into the latex, waited for it to cool and peeled it off. He immediately called the manager to complain of this health code violation. The manager said: "You ain't seen nothing yet, wait till you see how they make the condoms!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bksmdf/a_health_inspector_went_to_a_latex_factory/
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My wife has a problem

She likes to talk during sex and last week she called me from the motel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkslxv/my_wife_has_a_problem/
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga

P-p-p-p-p-poker face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bksfop/how_do_you_wake_up_lady_gaga/
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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead come to a raging river.

They meet a wish granting wizard just before it. The brunette goes first, “I wish to be strong enough to swim across.” She grows bug muscles and swims across.
The readhead next, “I wish to be handy enough to build a boat to get a cross.” Her wish is is granted, she cuts down a tree hollows it into a canoe and makes paddles to get across.
Last, the blonde. “I wish to be smart enough to get across.” She turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bksf9n/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_come_to_a_raging/
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What do the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?

They both swallow a lot of sea men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkseyv/what_do_the_bermuda_triangle_and_a_blonde_have_in/
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Why are all rockstars circumcised?

Because they slept with a fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bksdxt/why_are_all_rockstars_circumcised/
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The Kentucky Derby is like sex on the first date.

There's a lot of build-up to the event, hearts are racing, tensions are high, everyone is super excited, and when the time finally comes and it's time to get started, it's over in 122 seconds....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bksdht/the_kentucky_derby_is_like_sex_on_the_first_date/
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In school, everyone laughed at Amy Schumer when she said she wanted to be a comedian.

But no ones laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bksdf5/in_school_everyone_laughed_at_amy_schumer_when/
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Life Pro Tip

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bksc1u/life_pro_tip/
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Two friends went camping

After they had set up the camp, one of them tried to light a fire while the other prepared the salad. The second friend heard the first friend swear repeatedly and eventually decided to see what's wrong. He asked his friend "Why is the fire not lit? Did we forget the matches?" The other friend then replied "No, I have them right here. The thing is non of the matches want to light. I tested them all at home before we came but now non of them will work"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bksbxj/two_friends_went_camping/
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I am the 1%

Because condoms work 99% of the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bks7yl/i_am_the_1/
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What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me! I’m going in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bks6j5/what_did_the_penis_say_to_the_condom/
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How do you torture a carpenter?

You pull out his nails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bks1jj/how_do_you_torture_a_carpenter/
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Tit for tat

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. The gentleman replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry?"
"Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkrzl1/tit_for_tat/
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Proud parents

A young couple decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at their family reunion of about 40 people.
That night, after just finishing up a BBQ, they stood up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally and once the cheers die down a little someone shouts out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
The soon to be mother replies, “Yeah. Landa Noelle.”
Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment Cousin Brewster shouts, “How the heck are you supposed to spell Landa with no L?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkrz8o/proud_parents/
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An overachiever, regular person, and a person who does the bare minimum walk into a bar.

Or rather, the overachiever walks under the bar, the regular guy walks into the bar, and the slacker trips on the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkryti/an_overachiever_regular_person_and_a_person_who/
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Considerate golfer

The golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”
“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkry5k/considerate_golfer/
%
A little girl named Susie....

...was playing outside in the backyard and saw a butterfly flying about. She was entertained by this butterfly, but has an innate sense to destroy and proceeded to smush that poor poor butterfly. Her dad saw this and exclaimed, “SUSIE!!! Why did you kill that butterfly!? No butter for a month!”
The next day, she saw a honey bee and her innate surge of destruction took over and smashed that honey bee. Again, the father saw this, got mad, and screamed, “You can’t do that! No honey for a month!!!”
A few days later, she saw a cockroach and looked straight at her dad then proceeded to crush it.
Her father said, “Nice try.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkrx2k/a_little_girl_named_susie/
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Did you hear Jussie Smollett got fired from ‘Empire?’

I heard he’s really beating himself up over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkrw13/did_you_hear_jussie_smollett_got_fired_from_empire/
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The lie detecting robot

One day, a father goes out to a store and buys a lie detector robot. To make sure it works the father turns it on and says “I am 18 years old” then out of nowhere the robot slaps the father. Realizing that it works, the father decides to test it at dinner the same night.
Father: “So, son. What did you do after school?”
Son: ”I just did some homework.”
The the robot slaps the son.
Son: ”Alright fine. I went to a friends house.”
Father: ”Well that’s good, what did you do at your friends house?”
Son: ”We watched toy story.”
Then the robot slaps the son
Son: ”Ok ok fine. We watched porn” said the son quietly.
Father: “What! Porn! When I was your age I never even knew porn existed lead alone watched it!”
Then the robot slapped the father
Mother: ”Well he is your son!”
Then the robot slapped the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkrv07/the_lie_detecting_robot/
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Did you know the average gazelle can jump higher than a two story house?

This is due to the animal’s extremely powerful hind legs and the fact that a house can’t jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkrmtk/did_you_know_the_average_gazelle_can_jump_higher/
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A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are running from the cops

They spy a barn in the distance and run inside to hide. The brunette hides in the stall with the horses, the red-head with some cows, and the blonde climbs into a burlap sack with the cops right on their heels. The cops kick the stall to the horses and the brunette says "neigh". Next they check the cows and the red-head goes "moo". Finally they go over and kick the burlap sack and the blonde says "potatoes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkrjzx/a_brunette_a_redhead_and_a_blonde_are_running/
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A fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant.

It's lying on the ground in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it and the elephant happily trots away.
20 years later the man in standing in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When along comes an elephant, as it gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk and lift him into the air and smashes him into the ground.
It was a different elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkrjgx/a_fella_is_on_safari_in_africa_when_he_comes/
%
I don’t do dates

That’s disgusting, I just eat them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkrib6/i_dont_do_dates/
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A Rabbi and a priest run out of a burning school...

The priest said to the Rabbi, "what about the children?"
"Fuck the children" said the Rabbi
"do you think we will have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkre5b/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_run_out_of_a_burning_school/
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Have you heard about the new test to detect down syndrome?

24 and me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkrdq0/have_you_heard_about_the_new_test_to_detect_down/
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I told my boss I wanted a raise

She gave me a hydraulic chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkra2f/i_told_my_boss_i_wanted_a_raise/
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Lost dog! Very old, brown fur, deaf, missing an eye, three legs, torn ear...

Answers to the name of Lucky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkr8wl/lost_dog_very_old_brown_fur_deaf_missing_an_eye/
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What do you call plastic that’s wrapped in fabric?

Kim Kardashian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkr5wo/what_do_you_call_plastic_thats_wrapped_in_fabric/
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Bob tries to get a job and has to answer questions from the interviewer.

Interviewer: Are you smart?
Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever.
Interviewer: How so?
Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: How's that possible?
Bob: By process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkr344/bob_tries_to_get_a_job_and_has_to_answer/
%
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

###IM LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkr1ca/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_and_500/
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What do you call writing code for speakers?

Stereotyping!
(I laughed too hard when I thought of this, I’m so lame.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkr1ac/what_do_you_call_writing_code_for_speakers/
%
I used to not like my beard

but it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkr12j/i_used_to_not_like_my_beard/
%
Some names make sense. Like "Johnson" was probably given to the son of a guy named "John". Or how someone with the family name "Smith" most likely had some Blacksmiths in the family at some point.

But when someone has the name "Dickinson." I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkr0re/some_names_make_sense_like_johnson_was_probably/
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My mom says I have no sense of direction.

I don't know where she's coming from with that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkr0c9/my_mom_says_i_have_no_sense_of_direction/
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkqxye/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
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Damn, that boy is ugly...

-That’s my daughter!
-Oh. I didn’t know you are the father.
-I’m the mother!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkqubk/damn_that_boy_is_ugly/
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Did you know that when you say the word “poop”, your mouth does the same motion as your bum hole?

The same is true for the phrase, “explosive diarrhea”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkqtvm/did_you_know_that_when_you_say_the_word_poop_your/
%
A guy goes to the doctor with a terrible headache

After some research, the doctor has to tell the man the following:
'I have good news and bad news... The good news it that I can relieve you of your headaches...'
Relieved, the man replies, 'Oh, that would be so great, doctor!'
'But the bad news is that I will have to castrate you.'
After a moment's shock, the mas asks, 'Wha... Why would I need to be castrated??'
'Let me explain. It's as follows: your testicles are.. ehm... quite large, in relation with your penis, which puts some annoying pressure on your spine, which is what's causing your headaches. If your testicles were to be removed, however, then so would the pressure on your spine and therefore your headaches as well.'
After hesitating for a second, the man agrees with the doctor, saying confidently, 'If that's what it takes, then I shall be castrated.'
A few weeks pass, and after the surgery the man goes to a well-known store to get himself some new clothes. A store clerk approaches him, asking, 'What may I help you with, sir?'
'I've had a rough morning', replies the man, 'It's time for a new start. And with a new start comes new clothes!'
'Couldn't agree more, sir', replies the clerk, checking the man out for his size. 'I think a nice tuxedo is the way to go for you, sir. Let me see. I'll get you a size 40 dress shirt, and with it a size 42 vest and a size 42 tuxedo jacket as well.' Looking at the man a little more, he continues, 'Looking at your legs I'm guessing trousers with length size 34 and width 32.'
'That's incredible', says the man, 'That's all my sizes!'
'I've done this for over three years now, It's a walk in the park, sir. Now, I would suggest also buying some fresh underwear. Size 32 if I'm not mistaken.'
'Oh no!' says the man, 'I've always had size 30 underwear!'
'I would argue that size 30 is a bit too tight for you, sir. Size 32 is just perfect I reckon. If you wear underwear that's too tight for longer periods of time, it might cause your testicles to press against your spine, causing splitting headaches!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkqop3/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_with_a_terrible_headache/
%
I once dated a girl who owned a pet parakeet. We broke up because that thing would never shut up.

But the bird was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkqni3/i_once_dated_a_girl_who_owned_a_pet_parakeet_we/
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

Oscillate it's tit a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkqi2g/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:
"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."
The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.
30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.
"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.
20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.
He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."
The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.
"There's no way you're bilingual."
The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkqes3/my_favourite_joke_now_hiring/
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A U.S. Army Sargeant was addressing to his new recruits:

He asked them basic questions, like their name and where are they from, things of that nature.
Then, he got to Oliver, who came all the way from Australia.
Sarge: Did you come here to die, recruit?
Oliver: Nah, mate, i came 'ere yesterdai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkqd8k/a_us_army_sargeant_was_addressing_to_his_new/
%
An extortionist, a klansman, and a wife beater walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What will it be, officer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkqd3g/an_extortionist_a_klansman_and_a_wife_beater_walk/
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A Blind man walks into the bar...

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkqamx/a_blind_man_walks_into_the_bar/
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What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?

Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkq998/what_did_the_patient_with_the_broken_leg_say_to/
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There are two types of people in this world.

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkq6ca/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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I wanted to tell a joke about pubic hair to a unvaccinated child.

But i said he won‘t get it anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkq60o/i_wanted_to_tell_a_joke_about_pubic_hair_to_a/
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What type of tea is not in outer space

Gravitea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkq162/what_type_of_tea_is_not_in_outer_space/
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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel just outside of Atlanta...

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops $500 and says,
“I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”
The astonished Madam stares at him and says,
“But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal!”
The Trucker replies,
“Listen lady, I ain’t horny. I’m homesick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkpwk0/a_trucker_who_has_been_out_on_the_road_for_two/
%
Doctor, doctor I think I’m turning into a cat.

Don’t ask meow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkpocu/doctor_doctor_i_think_im_turning_into_a_cat/
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My wife says she's leaving me because of my 'Obsession with Star Wars'

I said 'Please don't go, honey. You're the Obi-Wan for me..............'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkpkf1/my_wife_says_shes_leaving_me_because_of_my/
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A Southern man goes into a New England bar.

He orders a beer and, making small talk, asks the bartender, "Did y'all go to Hahvurd?"
The bartender replies, "Yale."
"Okay," says the Southern man. "DID Y'ALL GO TO HAHVURD?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkpg8b/a_southern_man_goes_into_a_new_england_bar/
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Why did the construction worker buy the Microsoft CD?

To install the windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkpf2z/why_did_the_construction_worker_buy_the_microsoft/
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You know why they call my penis wonder women?

Because women wonder how is it so small.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkpc3t/you_know_why_they_call_my_penis_wonder_women/
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I told my mate I was thinking of buying a Labrador for my son's birthday present.

"Don't be so fucking stupid," he said. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkp9qd/i_told_my_mate_i_was_thinking_of_buying_a/
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Just eaten a Yorkie.

That's probably the last time I'll get invited to the dog show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkp5wa/just_eaten_a_yorkie/
%
A guy and his dog walk into a bar, they order two whiskey, cheer and both drink it.

The waitress looks stunned and asks if there are other tricks his dog can do. The man answers ''Yes, he's very good at oral sex. The woman blushes and asks ''Really, can I try it?'' The man answers ''Sure'' and sends the dog and woman in a private room, the woman lies there naked and the dog looks at her with a confused look. The man enter the room and shouts ''Every single time this stupid dog doesn't know what to do, fine, I'll demonstrate it one more time!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkp2sz/a_guy_and_his_dog_walk_into_a_bar_they_order_two/
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A penguin driving through the desert

started to have car trouble, so he decided to drive to the nearest mechanic to get his car checked out. After he dropped his car off, he decided to walk down the block to get some ice cream, since it was a particularly hot day. Unfortunately, he was only able to devour about half of his vanilla cone before the rest had melted, covering his face and hands. Disappointed, he walked back to the mechanic to check on the progress.
Upon entering, the mechanic stopped his work, looked up at the penguin and said, “it looks like you blew a seal.”
In response, the penguin shouts, “NO, it’s just ice cream!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkp234/a_penguin_driving_through_the_desert/
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A man walks into a bar...

And notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to
the brim with £10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar
and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,
"What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender £10
which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my £10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream
down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a
terrible fight -then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkoyr5/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between PewDiePie's fans and catholic priests?

Nothing. They're both fucking 9 year olds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkoxw7/whats_the_difference_between_pewdiepies_fans_and/
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A young boy enters a barber shop.

The barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied:
“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkousi/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
%
One day a magical frog sees a bear chasing after a rabbit for dinner.

In an attempt to bring peace to his magical forest, the frog hops up to the two and promises them 3 wishes each if they stop this violence. After both animals agreed, the frog chooses the bear to state his first wish, first. After thinking for a while, the bear says, "I wish for all the bears in this forest to be female except me." Next is the rabbit's turn, "I wish for a motorcycle helmet," he says. The bear laughed, what an idiotic wish to make he thought to himself. The bear then says, "I wish for all the bears in this country to be female except me." The rabbit next says, "I wish for a motorcycle that requires no gas." The bear, almost tearing from laughter, says, "You could have wished for money to get those two things!" He then proceeds to make his final wish, after thinking for a while, he says to the frog, "I wish for all the bears in the world to be female except for me!" He smiles smugly. The rabit then puts on his helmet, hops on his motorcycle, grins to the bear and says, "I wish for this bear to be gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkoqm2/one_day_a_magical_frog_sees_a_bear_chasing_after/
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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun,

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkopag/i_asked_my_wife_to_dress_up_as_my_favourite_star/
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What do you get when you spell man backwards?

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkom5p/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
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An interviewer’s taxi stops in front of a prison...

The interviewer asks: “could you wait for me here?” Then the taxi driver says: “no, forget it! The last time someone asked me that he came out 21 years later!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkojwk/an_interviewers_taxi_stops_in_front_of_a_prison/
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What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Thanks I’ll never part with it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkojdu/what_did_the_bald_man_exclaim_when_he_received_a/
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I've been trying to give up pornography...

... but some of the stuff on the Internet makes it very hard for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkoiht/ive_been_trying_to_give_up_pornography/
%
What did the Chinese father say to his son when he got under 85% in his test?

You are A-sian! NOT B-SIAN!
(I’m not racist... I swear)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkoi3n/what_did_the_chinese_father_say_to_his_son_when/
%
A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a busy highway...

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a highway when he hears an odd noise coming from the engine. He pulls over to the narrow emergency lane, and as he opens the door, a negligent semi smashes the car door off.
When the state police showed up to the scene, he's furiously complaining about the incident.
"It was a BRAND NEW BMW!!!" he screamed. "I *just* drove it off the lot!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!"
The policeman responded incredulously, "You lawyers are so goddamn materialistic. While you're complaining about your precious BMW, you don't even realize that your arm got taken off too!"
The lawyer stopped and a look of horror appeared on his face as he glanced to where his left arm should be.
"Oh my God... WHERE'S MY ROLEX?!?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bko8qm/a_lawyer_is_driving_his_brand_new_bmw_on_a_busy/
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As I got older, I’ve developed this embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during my proctology exams.

It makes my patients feel really uncomfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bko89s/as_i_got_older_ive_developed_this_embarrassing/
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A giraffe walks into a bar and lies on the floor

The bartender asks a nearby customer "what's that lyin' on the floor?"
The customer replies "that's a giraffe not a lion!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bko7fo/a_giraffe_walks_into_a_bar_and_lies_on_the_floor/
%
What’s the different between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bko58q/whats_the_different_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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A Jew a Priest and A Minister are in a school...

The school started on fire and is burning down the Minister says, “Let’s get out of here!” The Jew replies, “What about the children?” The Priest says, “Fuck the children!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bko4q3/a_jew_a_priest_and_a_minister_are_in_a_school/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were waiting for an elevator.

On the floor, next to the elevator door, was a tiny puddle of milky liquid.
The brunette notices it first and says, "Oh my God, that looks like semen."
The redhead bends down and sniffs, "Oh my god, this smells like semen."
The blonde gets down on one knee, dips her finger in it, and sticks the finger in her mouth to taste it and blurts out, "It's not anybody from our building."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bko3gc/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_were_waiting/
%
I got my cat to cut my grass today.

Such a good lawn meower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bko1bi/i_got_my_cat_to_cut_my_grass_today/
%
Before Marriage:

Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bko137/before_marriage/
%
A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bknyu1/a_guy_is_late_for_an_important_meeting/
%
A doctor came up with a new surgery

called a “race change”. An asian man was curious, so he went through the surgery and became caucasian. Two weeks later the doctor asked, “How does it feel? Is everything okay?” The asian man said “It’s great! This whole experience was a real... eye opener”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkny7s/a_doctor_came_up_with_a_new_surgery/
%
I ordered a coffee and it tasted awful. I called the waiter over and said "This coffee tastes like mud!"

They replied: Thank you sir, it's fresh ground! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bknwoz/i_ordered_a_coffee_and_it_tasted_awful_i_called/
%
A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bknusn/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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Why is Yoda such a good gardner?

Because he has two green thumbs.
(happy May the 4th)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bknrr6/why_is_yoda_such_a_good_gardner/
%
A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.
Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bknps3/a_joke_from_my_mexican_grandmother_whats_faster/
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What kind of punch does a boxer dog throw?

A puppercut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bknlv2/what_kind_of_punch_does_a_boxer_dog_throw/
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How many neckbeards does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can't. They'll hold the door open for the lightbulb and get pissed that it doesn't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkng5j/how_many_neckbeards_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Copied joke

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bknf50/copied_joke/
%
I wondered why music was coming from my printer earlier...

Apparently the paper was jamming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkn9je/i_wondered_why_music_was_coming_from_my_printer/
%
A woman walks into a bank..

A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”
The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”
The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”
The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkn8p1/a_woman_walks_into_a_bank/
%
Why was Trump afraid to go to the dentist?

He heard there would be a molar investigation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkn584/why_was_trump_afraid_to_go_to_the_dentist/
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If you find gold in Australia, where do you find silver?

**Ag**stralia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkn41d/if_you_find_gold_in_australia_where_do_you_find/
%
What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

You might think that it's "ARR"...
BUT IT'S ACTUALLY THE "SEA"!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkn340/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter_of_the_alphabet/
%
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Nobel gases have no reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkn1sb/if_queen_elizabeth_accidentally_farts_during/
%
A poor man meets a rich man at around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, “What are you getting for your wife this Christmas?”
The rich man replied, “Well, I’m getting her diamond earrings and a Mercedes.”    “Why two gifts?” The poor man asks again.   “Well, if she doesn’t like the earrings, she could drive the Mercedes to exchange them.”
The poor man nods. Then, the rich man asks him, “What are you going to get your wife for Christmas?”
The poor man thinks about this, then replies, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.”    “Hm? Why these two things?” The rich man asks.
The poor man astutely replies, “Well, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she could go fuck herself!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkn06m/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_at_around_christmas/
%
So my friend had a threesome last night, and was telling her blonde friend about it

My friend says, “I slept with two Brazilian men last night.”
Her friend asks, “Wait... how many zeroes are there in a Brazilian?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkmv1j/so_my_friend_had_a_threesome_last_night_and_was/
%
At first the Roman warrior felt remorse for devouring his wife, but in the end...

He was Gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkmv0h/at_first_the_roman_warrior_felt_remorse_for/
%
Cyanide must be so calorie dense

One vial and you don't need to eat again for the rest of your life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkmr62/cyanide_must_be_so_calorie_dense/
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I really didn’t think I was getting that fat..

Until the lady at McDonalds said “Sorry about your weight”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkmqbt/i_really_didnt_think_i_was_getting_that_fat/
%
One day I forgot how to throw a boomerang

But then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkmlyu/one_day_i_forgot_how_to_throw_a_boomerang/
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A Priest dies and is waiting in line at heaven's gate.

God to the guy: Who are you? Guy: I am a Thrissur to Kozhikode Bus driver. God: Oh! Take this golden robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.
God to the Priest:Who are you? Priest: I am a Priest. I've spent 35 years preaching good to people. God:Oh!Take this cotton robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.
Priest: God,How is that the foul mouthed,rash driver gets a golden robe and I who spent all my life preaching about goodness, get a cotton one?
God: Results, my son, results. While you preached,most people slept. When he drove everyone prayed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkmk4f/a_priest_dies_and_is_waiting_in_line_at_heavens/
%
A guy walks into a bar

“Ouch,” he says, because it was a heavy metal bar, and his ears are accustomed to jazz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkmgyr/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man walks into a bar, beaten to a pulp

Bartender: oh my god, what happened to you?
Guy: This guy beat me up because he thought I was hitting on him
Bartender: That’s terrible!
Guy: Yeah, you should see the other guy
Bartender: That bad, huh?
Guy: No, he was hot as fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkmgho/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_beaten_to_a_pulp/
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I like to tell people jokes about forced sex

They ask me to stop but I don't. It's a rape joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkmg1w/i_like_to_tell_people_jokes_about_forced_sex/
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I don't like jokes on midgets.

They just bring them low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkmemh/i_dont_like_jokes_on_midgets/
%
I ran into the back of car the other day.

This gorgeous, leggy blonde got out and screamed " ram me up the ass, why dont you?"
And that your honour is where i believe, the confusion began.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkmax2/i_ran_into_the_back_of_car_the_other_day/
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What do you call a contortionist from the Philippines?

A Manila Folder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkm6jh/what_do_you_call_a_contortionist_from_the/
%
Why does Thanos love Snapchat?

It fits his personality like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkm4m6/why_does_thanos_love_snapchat/
%
The month of Ramadan starts tomorrow. To all the Redditors observing Ramadan,...

...Lunch is on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkm2om/the_month_of_ramadan_starts_tomorrow_to_all_the/
%
*At the library*

“Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”
“Left corner, on the top shelf!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkm1rq/at_the_library/
%
Watching this weird High School Musical sequel on Netflix

Zac Efron becomes a serial killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkm1fk/watching_this_weird_high_school_musical_sequel_on/
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“Don’t worry, my friend! Every mischief will end someday.”

“That’s so optimistic!”
“I work at the graveyard, my friend.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bklzq1/dont_worry_my_friend_every_mischief_will_end/
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Why are Catholics so anti abortion?

So they have a good supply of young children in their foster homes for the priests.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bklx8w/why_are_catholics_so_anti_abortion/
%
Han and Yoda are flying in the Millennium Falcon

"Are you sure we're going the right way?" Han asks.
"Off course we are. " Yoda replies.
Happy may 4th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bklwgq/han_and_yoda_are_flying_in_the_millennium_falcon/
%
Two friends chat and one brags about his new car

“So I got a new Tesla Model X, it drives itself!”
“Nice! Where is it?”
“No idea...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bklw9w/two_friends_chat_and_one_brags_about_his_new_car/
%
I wanted to do geometry with my parrot...

Then I remembered that polygon :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bklw50/i_wanted_to_do_geometry_with_my_parrot/
%
Whenever someone makes me breakfast they ask me how I like my bacon.

I tell them I like my bacon like I like my wookiees, Chewy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkltqw/whenever_someone_makes_me_breakfast_they_ask_me/
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On math exam

Professor is fed up with the group of his students. So on exam he decides to flunk some students.
The first student comes in.
P: You’re driving a car. You feel really hot, what do you do?
S: I shall pull down a window
P: at what speed does the air come from outside inside the car?
The student couldn’t answer, so he failed exam.
The same thing happens to the next examinee.
Then comes the third one.
P: You’re driving a car. You feel really hot, what do you do?
S: I’ll take off my shirt.
P: But you feel really really hot, it was not enough.
S: Then I’ll take off my jeans.
P: Still not enough, you feel way too hot, what do you do?
S: I’ll take off my socks.
P: Still not enough...
S: Listen, professor, even if I burn to a fucking crisp, that damned window is not going down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bklq8d/on_math_exam/
%
Those two girls at the party got mad at me because I called them hipsters.

Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bklq5u/those_two_girls_at_the_party_got_mad_at_me/
%
I called my horse Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkllx0/i_called_my_horse_mayo/
%
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bklk20/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
%
A redhead, brunette and a blonde walk into a bar.

They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about thier opinions on elements.
The redhead says,"I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it."
The brunette says,"I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars."
The blonde says,"I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.''
[It is my first time writing a joke. All my previous jokes were Ctrl+C Ctrl+V. So don't go mad at me.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bklhtr/a_redhead_brunette_and_a_blonde_walk_into_a_bar/
%
It was hard when my ex-girlfriend called and told me she was HIV positive.

Pretending to be surprised can be so difficult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkldg7/it_was_hard_when_my_exgirlfriend_called_and_told/
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."
The man replies "Well wash your f#cking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bklbe9/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign_hanging/
%
Kentucky Derby joke

Two racehorses are in a bar getting drunk.
The first one says: "In 100 starts, I got 85 firsts, 10 seconds and 5 thirds."
The second racehorse says: "Well in 100 starts for me, I got 90 firsts, 7 seconds and 3 thirds."
They begin fighting about this.
The bartender, a greyhound, says: "I'm throwing you two out. but before I do, I'd like to tell you in 100 starts for me I got 99 firsts and 1 second.
The first racehorse says: "Wow, Isn't that amazing?!"
The second one says: "Yeah! A Talking dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkl9oc/kentucky_derby_joke/
%
Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favourite position is the "rodeo". The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position too'..... Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkl77x/two_guys_are_talking_over_a_beer_discussing/
%
How do you make a horse drink?

Put it in the blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkl5a2/how_do_you_make_a_horse_drink/
%
Man and his doctor's advice

A man came to the chamber of a well known doctor.
**Doctor:** Hello and good afternoon. What seems to be the problem?
*Man:* I don't want any more baby, doc. Save me.
**Doctor:** Okay, tell me why can't you stop having a baby?
*Man:* I used a condom so that my semen won't go into my wife's ovaries. But my wife always pokes the condom packet with pins as she wants to own a football team.
*Man:* I've tried to take her birth control pill without saying what the pill is for. But she's always one step above me and pretend to take the pill and later throws it away.
**Doctor:** I will be honest with you, your problem is quite serious.
*Man:* Please doctor, you need to save me. I am only 2 players away to make a team.
**Doctor:** (after having a long thought to himself) I have a solution for you. But you need to wait for it for about 10 minutes. Will you able to do that?
*Man:* Of course, doc.
\*10 minutes later. The doctor handed  him a box and a letter.
**Doctor:** DO NOT OPEN the letter or the box here. Go home and before you make love with your wife, use this.
*Man:* Thank you doctor.
\*Upon arrival home, the man saw her wife in an exotic costume. He understood the hint and quickly went to the washroom to freshen up. In the washroom, he remembered his doctor's advice. He opened the box up and found a costume in there. Without giving a second though, he wore it and put the letter in his drawer and went to make love with his wife. A month later, he came to his home finding his wife furious as she had her menstruation which means she's not pregnant. He thought to himself that why did this happen but unable to find any answer. Suddenly he remembered about his doctor's letter. He quickly went to his room, opened his drawer and tear up the envelope to read the letter.
The letter was like this,
"Your wife will always miss her chance to create a football team as long as you wear the costume because a Stormtrooper will always miss his shot."
p.s: May the 4th be with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkl3n7/man_and_his_doctors_advice/
%
Mexicans and mayonnaise

Most people don't know that in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to have been the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was lost forever.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkkxow/mexicans_and_mayonnaise/
%
Athenians hate mornings.

Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkkuzo/athenians_hate_mornings/
%
I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkkudf/i_went_to_the_doctors_recently/
%
A snake walks into a bar

The bartender says: "How did you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkku5y/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My English teacher told this one to my whole class

So a guide in an university does a quick tour of the campus with new male students. She shows the science department, the arts and sports departments, and then she stops at the women’s dormitory.
“You guys are NOT allowed to go there, the first time we catch you in the women’s dormitory, the fine is 25$. The second time is 50$, the third time is 100$ and so on.”
This is when a guy in the back raises his hand to ask a question.
“How much for the season pass?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkktid/my_english_teacher_told_this_one_to_my_whole_class/
%
I just got my ass kicked by a British debt collector

Pound for pound, not very pleasant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkkkg1/i_just_got_my_ass_kicked_by_a_british_debt/
%
Where does Ironman live?

Iron know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkkgmh/where_does_ironman_live/
%
A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The bride replied "Don't you mean polio?" The man says "No. Toelio. It affected my feet."
Both continue to get undressed. As the man pulls down his pants the woman shrieks "OMG! What happened to your knees?" The man responded "Yeah. When I was a kid I contracted the kneesles." The bride asked "Don't you mean the measles?" The husband, having the worst looking knees she'd ever seen replied "No the kneesles. It affected my knees."
Next to come off were their underwear. The wife seeing his penis for the first time exclaimed "Wait! Don't tell me. When you were a kid you had small cocks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkkfxf/a_man_and_his_newlywed_wife_are_about_to/
%
What does a noodle say if they see a noodle being very slow?

COME ON BRO!!!
PASTA!!! PASTA!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkke9l/what_does_a_noodle_say_if_they_see_a_noodle_being/
%
Ok so I’m actually putting a joke on here this time.

A vegan, a Anti vaxxer and a Athiest wall into a bar
I only know because they told everyone in the first 2 minutes :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkke6u/ok_so_im_actually_putting_a_joke_on_here_this_time/
%
What first tipped Darth Vader off about the Millennium Falcon?

He found their lack of freight disturbing
^^May ^^the ^^Fourth ^^be ^^with ^^you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkkddd/what_first_tipped_darth_vader_off_about_the/
%
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

Because 6 7 8
(May the Fourth be with you)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkkbj3/why_was_yoda_afraid_of_7/
%
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

A yamahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkkai3/what_do_you_call_a_laughing_motorcycle/
%
3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break.

The first guy says “If I get a Marmite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The next day the first guy gets a Marmite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All 3 guys jump of the bridge and die.
The next day at their funerals the first wife says “If he just told me I would have given him a different sandwich.”
The second guys wife says “It is all my fault. If only I knew.”
The third wife says “I don’t get it, he makes his own lunch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkk9m4/3_construction_workers_where_sitting_on_the/
%
Not really a joke just a fact

Reddit is social media for people who hate social media

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkk883/not_really_a_joke_just_a_fact/
%
An anti-vaxx mom invited me to her sons 3rd year

I asked why everyone was crying...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkk82d/an_antivaxx_mom_invited_me_to_her_sons_3rd_year/
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A rich Mexican buisnessman by the name of Jesus bought an apartment at the top floor of Burj Khalifa

He decided to invite his father to view his apartment and have a nice time together.He sent a plane ticket for his father in Mexico, and ordered his personal assistant to wait for him outside the airport.
When the father arrived, the assistant approached him to carry his luggage. The father asked him "who are you?", the assistant replied "I am Carlos, your son's personal assistant. I will drive you to your son's apartment"
The pair drove to Burj Khalifa, and then got into the elevator, as the elevator went up through the tower, Carlos noticed the father felt uneasy, he thought nothing of it and decided it was because of the air pressure.
After 1 minute however the father became clearly terrified. Carlos asked him "Are you ok sir?"
The father replied "Young man please tell me again, which fucking  Jesus are we going to meet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkk587/a_rich_mexican_buisnessman_by_the_name_of_jesus/
%
A long chicken joke

A chicken walks into a library and goes "Book book"
The librarian humors the chicken and gives it an old book.
The chicken walks out of the library, across the road and into the park where it stops and then throws the book in the pond.
The chicken then walks back to the library and goes "Book book"
so the librarian once again gives it an old book.
The chicken walks out of the library, across the road and into the park where it stops and once again throws the book in the pond.
The chicken then walks back to the library and goes "Book book"
The librarian once again gives the chicken an old book but this time follows the chicken.
The chicken walks across the road and into the park and down to the pond and goes "Book book"
Then a big frog goes "Read it, read it" so the chicken throws the book in the pond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkk3bk/a_long_chicken_joke/
%
Vodka isn't the answer to all of my problems..

But it's worth a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkk0ui/vodka_isnt_the_answer_to_all_of_my_problems/
%
I read my part aloud in the church sermon about the crucifixion of Jesus. I was really proud of myself for not making any mistakes.

In hindsight, yelling out "NAILED IT" probably wasn't the best way to celebrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkjx9h/i_read_my_part_aloud_in_the_church_sermon_about/
%
A Canadian and an Australian had a child

It’s first words: Good eh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkjvge/a_canadian_and_an_australian_had_a_child/
%
Honestly, I haven't got a problem with alcohol.

I have a problem without it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkjtgh/honestly_i_havent_got_a_problem_with_alcohol/
%
A man phones a dental clinic to inquire about the price of removing a tooth

"Hello. How much is it to get a tooth removed", asks the man
"That'll be $700, it includes anesthetic, tooth extraction by myself, and assistance from a nurse", replies the dentist
"That's a bit much for me, how much if the nurse extracts it?"
"Well I guess we could do that, it might not be as painless if I did it, but we'll do that for $500"
"Hmmm...", thinks the man. "Still a bit high, what if we didn't have any anesthetic?"
"That would be highly unusual and very painful, but I could do that for $300", explains the dentist
"I don't know, I'm not made of money. Could your receptionist tie a string around the tooth and yank it as hard as they can, how much for that?"
"This is extremely uncommon, but I suppose we could that for $100"
"Great!", the man says excitedly. "I'll book an appointment for my wife for next Tuesday please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkjsos/a_man_phones_a_dental_clinic_to_inquire_about_the/
%
An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bathroom

The Englishman takes a piss, and wipes his hands very thoroughly with 7 squares of toilet paper, while loudly proclaiming that "In England, we always do our job extremely thoroughly"
The Scotsman takes a piss, and wipes his hand with just one square of toilet paper, using every square inch of the paper, while loudly proclaiming that "In Scotland, not only do we do our job thoroughly, but also efficiently"
The Irishman takes a piss, and walks right out while loudly proclaiming "In Ireland, we don't piss on our fucking hands"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkjrou/an_irishman_a_scotsman_and_an_englishman_walk/
%
Why are French cats always do cheerful?

Because they're always saying, "Le mao"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkjqx4/why_are_french_cats_always_do_cheerful/
%
Tesla: There is not enough free space to install updates!

Me: Honey, please get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkjq42/tesla_there_is_not_enough_free_space_to_install/
%
What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?

Putting the catheter back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkjopf/whats_the_worst_thing_about_eating_vegetables/
%
Couple next door.

One evening a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said," Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? . He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"."
I would love to". replied the husband,"but I don't know her well enough".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkjna7/couple_next_door/
%
I had the "sex talk" with my son today.

I told him about the birds and the bees, the bees and the bees, the birds and the birds, the bees who want to be birds, the birds who want to be bees, the birdbees, the beebirds and...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkjl6q/i_had_the_sex_talk_with_my_son_today/
%
My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.
"We haven't got a son." I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkjkoj/my_wife_and_i_went_to_see_a_psychiatrist_what_can/
%
Does anybody know what a landing strip is?

I came across one yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkjggu/does_anybody_know_what_a_landing_strip_is/
%
A man goes to a hospital to get a physical.

The doctor says "I've determined that you need to stop masturbating so much."
The man asks "Why?"
The doctor says "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkjfzk/a_man_goes_to_a_hospital_to_get_a_physical/
%
A gay couple, Neal and Bob, traveling on a plane.

"What if we had sex?" Asks Neal.
"Here, one the plane? Are you crazy? Everyone would be watching us doing it, it'll be awkward."
"Nobody is paying attention to anything. Look!"
Neal stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody paid attention, everyone is busy minding their own business.
"They wouldn't really care, would they?" Says Bob.
So Neal and Bob have intense sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and people are leaving, a stewardess sees an old man with his shirt and pant soaked up in his own vomit.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" Said the stewardess to the old man."
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A couple of rows ahead of me, I saw a man asking for pencil and got fucked right in the ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkjfyy/a_gay_couple_neal_and_bob_traveling_on_a_plane/
%
"Dad, why is my sister called Melons?"

"This is because your mother has big breasts."
"Thanks, dad."
"No problem, Shorty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkj7pp/dad_why_is_my_sister_called_melons/
%
Trump, Putin and Kim Jon are on a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?

Mankind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkj059/trump_putin_and_kim_jon_are_on_a_boat_and_it/
%
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkizim/my_girlfriend_yelled_at_me_today_saying_you/
%
A girl asked me if I was a breast or thigh man and I said I was more into pussy and ass.

I am now banned from KFC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkiyik/a_girl_asked_me_if_i_was_a_breast_or_thigh_man/
%
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died

He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkiy29/a_man_fell_into_a_vat_of_varnish_and_died/
%
What does a black guy do at the university?

He gets his master's degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkixym/what_does_a_black_guy_do_at_the_university/
%
During his exam, a medical student had to perform a surgery on a patient.

One of them passed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkix1m/during_his_exam_a_medical_student_had_to_perform/
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Bears and what religion they are?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkivxk/bears_and_what_religion_they_are/
%
Dad Joke

An airplane crashed into our house last night.
It was my Dad's fault though,
he left the landing light on!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkiutd/dad_joke/
%
What course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?

Intercourse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkiupr/what_course_gives_tiger_woods_the_most_trouble/
%
What's black, 12 inches long, 2 inches across, and makes people cry?

A cop's flashlight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkiu2w/whats_black_12_inches_long_2_inches_across_and/
%
How does the moon cut his hair?

‘E-clipse it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkintv/how_does_the_moon_cut_his_hair/
%
Don’t invest in the lollipop business.

That market’s for suckers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkijoh/dont_invest_in_the_lollipop_business/
%
How do you know if a hippie’s been in your house?

They’re still still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkiift/how_do_you_know_if_a_hippies_been_in_your_house/
%
A nurse wakes up her patient and says

"Wake up Mrs. Johnson. It's time to take your sleeping pills"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkiffq/a_nurse_wakes_up_her_patient_and_says/
%
A parrot gets in a bar

Do you guys have any peanuts?
\-no sorry we don't have some
The next day, the parrot gets in again
\-Do you guys have any peanuts ?
\-No we still don't
The next day
\-Do you guys have any peanuts ?
\-No we don't and if you come annoy me one more time I swear I'll nail you on the wall
The next the parrot comes backs
\-Do you guys have any nails?
\-No why would we?
\-Do you guys have any peanuts ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkicr8/a_parrot_gets_in_a_bar/
%
Why’s Santa’s sack so big?

‘Cause he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkiawn/whys_santas_sack_so_big/
%
I saw a boy crying on the pavement yesterday.

I said to him “You an adopted?” And he replied, “yeah, what gave me away?”  I replied, “your parents.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkia3k/i_saw_a_boy_crying_on_the_pavement_yesterday/
%
Worst wifi password ever.

USER: What's the wifi password?
TECH: fourwordsalluppercase
USER: [typing] FOUR WORDS ALL UPPERCASE
TECH: No.  It's one word, all lowercase.
USER: [typing] onewordalllowercase
TECH: [screaming] NO, it's "fourwordsalluppercase"! ONE WORD, ALL LOWERCASE!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bki251/worst_wifi_password_ever/
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I’m gonna tell you something, but only anti-vaxers will get it

Tetanus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bki0is/im_gonna_tell_you_something_but_only_antivaxers/
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When I got back from camp, my brother told me he had sex with dozens of models during the summer.

I didn't believe him until I started going through my diecast car collection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkhxi8/when_i_got_back_from_camp_my_brother_told_me_he/
%
An American, an Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German walk into a bar...

...and don't order a thing.
The bartender, concerned that perhaps they somehow didn't notice him through the crowded bar, calls out to them.  "I can help you down here!"  It's a bit loud, so he calls out again.  This time, the gang responds.
"Yes!"
"Oui!"
"Si!"
"Ja!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkhuna/an_american_an_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkhub6/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_who_has_escaped/
%
You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkhqk8/you_should_tip_bakers_often/
%
I saw someone smoking the other day, nothing makes me happier than seeing the elderly smoke.

This guys was just ancient, gray, and puffing away holding himself up on a walker.
I go, “Man, you're a boss! Smoking, at your age? That’s dedication."
He replied, "What? I'm 28!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkhqhc/i_saw_someone_smoking_the_other_day_nothing_makes/
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An Elf Ranger was touring the remote mountain village in which he lived, when suddenly a man ran out of the house and came up to him.

"Ranger!" the man demanded. "My wife recently gave birth to an Elf! And you are the only Elf anywhere around here, everyone else is human! Explain yourself!"
"Now, don't judge too harshly," The Ranger answered and pointed towards the boars in the man's front yard. "You see, boars are normally brown but that one was born white! It's just one of nature's mysteries that you have to accept."
"Fine, I understand, Ranger," the man leaned in and whispered conspiratorially. "I'll stop talking about the Elf child, and you stop talking about the white boar, alright?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkhgaz/an_elf_ranger_was_touring_the_remote_mountain/
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One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.

Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkhevd/one_day_the_devil_challenged_the_lord_to_a/
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Old McDonald had a stroke

I E O E I

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkhco5/old_mcdonald_had_a_stroke/
%
Devin Nunes passed a bill in the House of Representatives today.

The hard part was swallowing William earlier in the day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkhb6t/devin_nunes_passed_a_bill_in_the_house_of/
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A Bill Passed In The Senate...

Rest in peace, Bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkh9y8/a_bill_passed_in_the_senate/
%
Why do nurses bring a red crayon to work?

In case they have to draw blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkh4dy/why_do_nurses_bring_a_red_crayon_to_work/
%
What's a cannibals favorite food

Raw-men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkh3uq/whats_a_cannibals_favorite_food/
%
Why wasn't Jesus Christ born in America?

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkh2h8/why_wasnt_jesus_christ_born_in_america/
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Teacher:"Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy:"Because daddy told mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkgxia/teacherwhy_is_your_cat_at_school_today_jimmy/
%
What do you call a magic owl

Hoodini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkgwcj/what_do_you_call_a_magic_owl/
%
What's the weirdest thing to see at nighttime?

The sun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkgw81/whats_the_weirdest_thing_to_see_at_nighttime/
%
The madam tell her girls

"Just give those guys blow-up dolls. they're so wasted they'll never know the difference"
After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'
The second says **'I think mine was a witch'**
First: 'Really? Why's that?'
Second: **'Cause when I bit her ass, she farted in my face and then flew out the window'**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkgtii/the_madam_tell_her_girls/
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Why haven't aliens visited us yet?

Because they checked the reviews in our solar system and found only one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkgsaq/why_havent_aliens_visited_us_yet/
%
What is the opposite of Microsoft Office?

Macrohard onfire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkgqp0/what_is_the_opposite_of_microsoft_office/
%
Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkgq6z/today_i_saw_a_little_boy_wearing_rags_sitting_on/
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I saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, and that could only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkgnyj/i_saw_my_wife_walk_by_with_her_sexiest_underwear/
%
Imagine if there were oak breast implants

That would be awful wooden tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkgmbm/imagine_if_there_were_oak_breast_implants/
%
I saw this gorgeous gal at the bar the other night.

After a while, I mustered up the courage to go talk to her. She humoured me for a while, until I bluntly asked "How would you like to have the best sex of your life tonight?"
Looking repulsed, she said to me, "No, I absolutely do NOT want that!"
I said, "That's great! I'm your man!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkgjns/i_saw_this_gorgeous_gal_at_the_bar_the_other_night/
%
Just found out you can sell sperm to a sperm bank

All these years I've been letting potential income slip through my fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkgio0/just_found_out_you_can_sell_sperm_to_a_sperm_bank/
%
I started researching the safety of elevators.

They have their ups and downs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkgejy/i_started_researching_the_safety_of_elevators/
%
What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkgbdr/whats_the_difference_between_gordon_ramsays/
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I saw a chameleon today...

I guess that must make it a really shitty chameleon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkg9hk/i_saw_a_chameleon_today/
%
Why didn't sun go to college?

Because he already has a million degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkg7f5/why_didnt_sun_go_to_college/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkg45f/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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Love Drunk People

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband 'it's three in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asks his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, its three in the morning and its pouring with rain out there!'.
'Well you do have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replies the drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkg0ki/love_drunk_people/
%
my birthday party was crazy, filled with booze, fighting and sex

still, Im never inviting my uncle over again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkfyte/my_birthday_party_was_crazy_filled_with_booze/
%
I don't remember 90s music much.

It's all just a Blur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkfxmy/i_dont_remember_90s_music_much/
%
Here's a very Jewish joke I thought of while in Shabbat service

A Rabbi goes to one of the regulars and exclaims
"MOSHE! You bring your cellphone and your wallet to Shul in Shabbat? How could you even think of doing that in Shabbat?"
To which Moshe responds "Well, Rabbi, I'm sorry, but where else was I supposed to put my driver's license??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkftof/heres_a_very_jewish_joke_i_thought_of_while_in/
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Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world

because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkfs8c/adam_and_eve_were_the_happiest_and_the_luckiest/
%
My scottish girlfriend told me a knock knock joke yesterday, it goes like:

-Knock Knock
+Who is it?
-Weirdo
+Weirdo who?
-We r done 'ere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkfpme/my_scottish_girlfriend_told_me_a_knock_knock_joke/
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My father caught me jerking off to porn. Shocked, he took off his belt

pulled down his pants, and he joined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkfo3x/my_father_caught_me_jerking_off_to_porn_shocked/
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkfnxm/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
%
How do you make a fox die?

You make it run across Canada
im sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkfmn5/how_do_you_make_a_fox_die/
%
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkfh3k/a_blonde_went_to_the_appliance_store_sale_and/
%
So two atoms walk out of a bar after last call

and the manager locks the door behind them. One atom turns to the other and says, "Oh shit! I left my electron in there." And the second atom says, "Oh no! Are you positive??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkfemm/so_two_atoms_walk_out_of_a_bar_after_last_call/
%
Two antennas got married...

The ceremony was ok but the reception was excellent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkf9p7/two_antennas_got_married/
%
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkf72j/the_los_angeles_police_department_lapd_the_fbi/
%
World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me."
The girl said, "No!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkf6en/worlds_shortest_fairy_tale/
%
As soon as all the wheels are replaced, my local police department is getting rid of a bunch of old squad cars they aren't using.

They're being retired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkf4pc/as_soon_as_all_the_wheels_are_replaced_my_local/
%
In the original Star Wars Peter Mayhew once had to redo a scene because he missed his cue.

It was a Wookiee mistake
RIP Peter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkf1yv/in_the_original_star_wars_peter_mayhew_once_had/
%
20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?
Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.
Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study.
There were many interesting findings, all available in the Swedish Journal of Human Sexuality and Reproductive Health.  Yet, the one that caught everyone’s attention was the effect one particular kind of food had almost exclusively on women.
Regardless if women ate a lot or just a few bites of this food, practically all women in the study, across all ages, ethnic backgrounds and controlling for other factors, exhibited significant increases in total body fat percentage and a simultaneous nearly total loss of their sex drive.
The culprit food?  Wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkeydx/20year_doubleblind_university_study_in_sweden_on/
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What do you call two transexual midgets having sex?

A micro trans action

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkeun1/what_do_you_call_two_transexual_midgets_having_sex/
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6:30 is my favorite time.

Hands down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkereh/630_is_my_favorite_time/
%
The internet is full of mean, hurtful, unfriendly, people who have nothing better to do with their lives than make others feel bad!

It's so great to have a place I finally fit in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkeovv/the_internet_is_full_of_mean_hurtful_unfriendly/
%
What did the corn say when all of its clothes fell off?

Ahh shucks
Wasn’t  that corny?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkela1/what_did_the_corn_say_when_all_of_its_clothes/
%
What computer sings the best?

A Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkel3g/what_computer_sings_the_best/
%
What was the name of the Italian inventor who hated Christmas?

Leonardo da Grinchi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkekua/what_was_the_name_of_the_italian_inventor_who/
%
(NSFW) *Knock Knock... *

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door
.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
Hospital visiting hours 9:00 am to 6:00 pm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkejhb/nsfw_knock_knock/
%
Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance....

So I pushed her over, and told her to work on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkej7z/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_check/
%
We’ve all heard about the dog that walks into a bar

But have you heard the one about the baby seal that walks into a club?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bked2a/weve_all_heard_about_the_dog_that_walks_into_a_bar/
%
(√-shit)²

Shit just got real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkec90/shit²/
%
Hunting in the African Safari

This joke was passed down to me by my Austrian grandfather through my mother. This is dark humor.
(Mom): "Did I ever tell you about your Grandfather's hunting trips?"
(Me): "No, where'd he go?"
(Mom): "For work, he'd travel to Africa a lot, and would occasionally meet with other businessmen from Britain and Germany to go hunting on a safari for sport. They'd hunt all kinds of amazing animals, lions, elephants, noplees-"
(Me): "What're noplees?"
(Mom): "Oh, they're these little creatures that scurry around in the tall grass, and when they saw you they'd jump up and exclaim 'NO-PLEASE!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkdzp9/hunting_in_the_african_safari/
%
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before"

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkdyqv/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
%
My math teacher asked me in class today "What comes after 69"?

Apparently mouthwash isn't the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkdwu2/my_math_teacher_asked_me_in_class_today_what/
%
I'd like to buy some ice cream please...

Ice Cream Man: Sure, what kind would you like?
Kid: Um...chocolate
Ice Cream Man: Oh, sorry kid. We're out of chocolate. I still have plenty of strawberry and vanilla though.
Kid: Um...okay...I'll have...chocolate please
Ice Cream Man: Uh, no. Sorry. We ran out of chocolate. Would you like strawberry or vanilla?
Kid: Uh...um...okay...I'll have chocolate
Ice Cream Man: ...
Kid:...
Ice Cream Man: Okay, you must be a smart kid. Can you spell the "van" in vanilla?
Kid: Um...V-A-N
Ice Cream Man: Good, good. Okay, this one's a little harder. Can you spell the "straw" in strawberry?
Kid: Um... S-T-R-A-W
Ice Cream Man: Good! Now, can you spell the "fuck" in chocolate?
Kid: Um..uh...wait...there's no "fuck"  in chocolate.
Ice Cream Man: That's right! There's no fuckin chocolate! Scram!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkdt4d/id_like_to_buy_some_ice_cream_please/
%
What do you get when you mix elephant and human genes?

Kicked out of the zoo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkdl9k/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_elephant_and_human/
%
What goes trough a fly's mind when it smashes into the windscreen ?

Its ass .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkdj4u/what_goes_trough_a_flys_mind_when_it_smashes_into/
%
I dont know why people keep saying this cancer is so hard to beat

I'm already on stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkdg5e/i_dont_know_why_people_keep_saying_this_cancer_is/
%
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters

Hint: I didn’t ask a question

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkd77i/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_has_9_letters_but/
%
A man was naked on a beach

He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.
A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat”
He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkd6yi/a_man_was_naked_on_a_beach/
%
I was chatting with a blacksmith . .

As he hammered away at the steel, I asked him what he was working on. “I make swords” he replied. “Well that seems kind of silly,” I said. “In this day and age the only practical weapon to own is a gun”
He looked up from the forge and gave me a long look before saying, “When all of the bullets are gone, he who brandishes my steel will have the world on its knees.”
He then swiftly grabbed the sword and swinging it toward me held the tip of the blade steadily within inches of my face.
I have to say, he makes a good point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkd0n6/i_was_chatting_with_a_blacksmith/
%
When my parents got divorced I remember the seemingly endless custody battle they had over me.

I can still hear the fighting in my head.
Mom: You take him!
Dad: I don't want that little shit he's your problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkczkw/when_my_parents_got_divorced_i_remember_the/
%
My Girlfriend said that sleeping with me is not enjoyable for her because I often get distracted.

Well guess I better get back to it then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkcylk/my_girlfriend_said_that_sleeping_with_me_is_not/
%
There is an initiative...

There is an initiative by the US government and the American Dairy Counsel that  cheese needs to be sold only in block form.  By doing this we could make America Grate Again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkcyby/there_is_an_initiative/
%
Endgame Spoiler : Tony Stark and Bucky becomes partners to start a business at the end of the movie.

They name it Starbucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkcwhv/endgame_spoiler_tony_stark_and_bucky_becomes/
%
Your momma is so fat...

Thanos had to snap twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkcvfe/your_momma_is_so_fat/
%
I wanted to revisit my childhood, so I got out Super Mario Bros. and started playing

But soon I realized, no matter how much you try,  you can't go back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkcpm5/i_wanted_to_revisit_my_childhood_so_i_got_out/
%
A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkcduh/a_black_guy_in_an_library_asked_me_where_the/
%
Diary of a cat....

Haven't seen this one in my feed for a while....
The Cat’s Diary
**Day 983 of My Captivity**
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkcch6/diary_of_a_cat/
%
Crows aren’t so smart after all

The South Carolina Dept of Transportation found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was a concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkc7h2/crows_arent_so_smart_after_all/
%
What does a homeschooler call a school shooting?

Homicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkc68g/what_does_a_homeschooler_call_a_school_shooting/
%
"Dad, I am cold"

He: "Go to the corner,  that's 90 degrees "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkc2ng/dad_i_am_cold/
%
[On a date] Her: So, Do you know any other languages?

Him: I don’t speak French, but I know a little German.
Her: Really?
Him: Yes. He’s 3 feet 8, and he lives next door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkbs4s/on_a_date_her_so_do_you_know_any_other_languages/
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From my 8 year old son: What's the beard's favorite kind of nut?

Mustachios

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkblbb/from_my_8_year_old_son_whats_the_beards_favorite/
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Little girl in class crying, Teacher says what is wrong Lucy? Lucy replies I have peed my pants, Teacher asks why didn't you put your hand up?

Lucy replied, I did miss but it trickled through my fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkblaf/little_girl_in_class_crying_teacher_says_what_is/
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3 men go on a skiing holiday in the Alps and have to share the same bed

In the morning the following conversation takes place.
Man on left: “I had a dream last night that I got a hand job.”
Man on right: “No way, I also had a dream about that as well!”
Man in middle: “That’s funny I had a dream I was skiing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkbf0n/3_men_go_on_a_skiing_holiday_in_the_alps_and_have/
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What is an accountant’s sex tape called?

Excel SpreadCheeks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkbdlq/what_is_an_accountants_sex_tape_called/
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People say I'm rich and completely out-of-touch with poor people, but that's not true

Look how responsible I am: some guy asked for money to buy some bread when I was leaving work, but then I said
"My good man, if you eat bread now, you won't be hungry at dinnertime!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkbamq/people_say_im_rich_and_completely_outoftouch_with/
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What do you call a dating site for santas?

The semicolon, it connects independent clauses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkb7up/what_do_you_call_a_dating_site_for_santas/
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Everyone says that as a nice guy/gentleman, I'm a dying breed and that I should be on the endanger species list.

I wonder if there is a breeding program for my kind.
Note: First time posting on r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkb7ge/everyone_says_that_as_a_nice_guygentleman_im_a/
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A carpenter goes to the proctologist.

Upon learning what his patient does for a living, he says, "What a coincedence.  I'm in need of a new office chair.
Can you make me one?"
The carpenter replies that he can.
The doctor says, "There's only one thing,  I want to be able to try it out before I buy it.  Can you give me a stool sample?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkb4zj/a_carpenter_goes_to_the_proctologist/
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I'm a 50s roofer...

I did the job asbestos I could.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkb1p4/im_a_50s_roofer/
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My wife and I decided that in our marriage, I would make all of the big decisions, and she would make all of the little ones.

Married 30 years. No big decisions yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkb1fr/my_wife_and_i_decided_that_in_our_marriage_i/
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I hate the key of E Minor

It gives me the e-b-g-b’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkb0yf/i_hate_the_key_of_e_minor/
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Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn’t peeling well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkayq9/why_did_the_banana_go_to_the_doctor/
%
Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks.....

The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks."
The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks"
and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkawx8/three_blondes_girls_were_walking_in_the_woods_and/
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My friend just had a sex change and is thinking about adopting a child, I’m very worried though...

I mean her child might not be able to see her, after all, she’ll be a trans-parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkavwh/my_friend_just_had_a_sex_change_and_is_thinking/
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Why is Japan's obesity rate so low?

The last time they had a fat man, it didn't go so well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkatki/why_is_japans_obesity_rate_so_low/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Hardy, and Owen Wilson dressed up as musicians for a party.

Tom Hardy said, "I'll be Beethoven."
Owen Wilson said, "I'll be Mozart."
Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkatdg/arnold_schwarzenegger_tom_hardy_and_owen_wilson/
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They say one in every four men is gay

, so there must be one in my group of friends.
I hope it’s Michael – he’s super cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkas80/they_say_one_in_every_four_men_is_gay/
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On a trip to Russia.

4 Americans spys find themselves in a sleeper cabin on a train to Moscow. One of the men thought it would be funny to play a trick on the other three. He goes out to the tea cart and asks for 4 cups of tea to be delivered to his cabin in 10 minutes.
Returning to his cabin, he spoke to his bunk mates about how the Russians will bug everything, and they listen to every word said anywhere. His roommates argued that although the Russians were careful they couldn't listen to everything. The first man said, "I'll prove it, Hello Commadore, can we get 4 cups of tea?" not a minute passed and there is a knock on the door with the tea cart delivering tea.
The rest of the evening the other 3 men were very quiet and nervous. As morning rolled around the first man found he was the only one in the room. Opening the door he found a russian guard outside the door. "Do you know what happened to my bunkmates? he asked.
"Secret police came in night, and took them because they are spies, you are free to go." the russian replied.
"why did they leave me?" he asked curiously.
"Commadore liked your joke about the tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkaqcm/on_a_trip_to_russia/
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Founder of Wikipedia walks into a bar.

[citation needed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkapod/founder_of_wikipedia_walks_into_a_bar/
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Hospital: on the down side we lost power and back up power last night...

In the bright side we now have 42 open beds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkaoje/hospital_on_the_down_side_we_lost_power_and_back/
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A blonde with perfect breasts and no bra takes her seat in first class...

She's wearing a very tight t-shirt with the word NAN in bold black letters across the front.
The gentleman sitting next to her is already in his seat, enjoying a gin and tonic.
Once settled in she smiles at him and says "That looks good, I'd sure love one".
The man rings the flight attendant and he says "Nan, here would love a gin and tonic, please".
The flight attendant nods and heads back to prepare the drink and the blonde says "Thank you very much, but why did you call me Nan?"
The man says, "Oh, I'm sorry.  I saw that on your shirt and thought it was your name."
She giggles and says, "Oh!, No, that's not my name.  That's the convention I'm headed to."
The man says, "Oh, my apologies, I just assumed.  If I may ask, what is the convention?"
The blond giggles again and says "the National Association of Nymphomaniacs."
The man almost spits out his drink "Oh, wow, I had no idea that was a thing.  That's fascinating. What sorts of things do you do at these conventions."
The blonde smiles at him coyly and says "Mostly we talk about what men are the best to have sex with."
The man asks "That's very interesting. Out of curiosity, what men *are* the best to have sex with?"
She responds, "Well, last year, it was a tie - between Jewish men and Native American Men. By the way, my name is Paulette, and yours?"
The man extends his hand and says "Tonto Goldberg, Very nice to meet you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkao67/a_blonde_with_perfect_breasts_and_no_bra_takes/
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What do you call a heartless thief?

A redditor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkamc8/what_do_you_call_a_heartless_thief/
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Have you heard about the man who had to press the "D" button on a keyboard his whole life?

It's a d-pressing story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkalsv/have_you_heard_about_the_man_who_had_to_press_the/
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I was dining alone at a restaurant one evening.

In the middle of my meal, a very pretty woman of about 25 came to my table and asked, "Are you single?"
I smiled and nodded.
She took the other chair and brought it back to her table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkaln9/i_was_dining_alone_at_a_restaurant_one_evening/
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I checked into a hotel and the place was crawling with people dressed up as evergreen trees.

Dang Firry conventions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkaeea/i_checked_into_a_hotel_and_the_place_was_crawling/
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What's the difference between Def Leppard and Bon Jovi?

An arm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bkacnf/whats_the_difference_between_def_leppard_and_bon/
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I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bka7y3/i_got_a_job_crafting_toy_models_of_the_dwarves/
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I got fired from a job where besides me only blind people work

They asked me why they should make me and not any other employee the manager.
I said that I could clearly see what was required for the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bka07k/i_got_fired_from_a_job_where_besides_me_only/
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"So how did you end up getting pregnant ?"

" well those camouflage condoms my boyfriend used didn't work ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk9yim/so_how_did_you_end_up_getting_pregnant/
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If you ever lost in the woods

don't panic! Start talking about politics and someone will show up to argue with you. Just follow them back when they leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk9y1i/if_you_ever_lost_in_the_woods/
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Bro can you help me name these information pamphlets

Brochure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk9ur8/bro_can_you_help_me_name_these_information/
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I applied for a job in the adult industry once

But I couldn't find a good position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk9th3/i_applied_for_a_job_in_the_adult_industry_once/
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My friend didn't know the difference between Minced Beef and Minced Cow...

I explained to him that beef mince is a tasty food, but the cow mince is where you find the best jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk9rdx/my_friend_didnt_know_the_difference_between/
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Why don’t cows wear shoes?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk9ni9/why_dont_cows_wear_shoes/
%
If electricity always follows the path of least resistance,

Then why doesn’t lightning only hit France?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk9lnp/if_electricity_always_follows_the_path_of_least/
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I just purchased some sandals for my frog.

They're open toad....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk9h55/i_just_purchased_some_sandals_for_my_frog/
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What is Green Arrow's superpower?

He can turn left whenever he wants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk9gcq/what_is_green_arrows_superpower/
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Why couldn't the blonde call 911?

She couldn't find the 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk9f6i/why_couldnt_the_blonde_call_911/
%
I once dated a professional tennis player...

But I had to end it when I realised love meant nothing to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk9db3/i_once_dated_a_professional_tennis_player/
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A nurse takes a rectal thermometer from her pocket.

She says: "Some asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk9cko/a_nurse_takes_a_rectal_thermometer_from_her_pocket/
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A four-engine passenger jet experiences engine trouble...

...and the pilot comes on the intercom, saying, "Passengers, we apologize, but we have experienced an engine burn-out. The plane can still fly on the remaining three engines, but we'll be delayed in our arrival by two hours."
A few minutes later, the airplane shakes, and passengers see smoke coming out of another engine. Again, the intercom crackles to life.
"This is your captain speaking. Apologies, but due to a second engine burn-out, we'll be delayed by another two hours."
The passengers are agitated. Suddenly, the third engine catches fire. Again, the pilot comes on the intercom and says, "I know you're all scared, but this is a very advanced aircraft, and it can safely fly on only a single engine. But we will be delayed by yet another two hours."
A man in business class raises his voice and shouts, "This is ridiculous! If one more engine goes, we'll be stuck up here all day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk9355/a_fourengine_passenger_jet_experiences_engine/
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A blond and two brown haired girls are playing hide and seek

The first girl hides in a dog crate with a towel over it when the it comes by she says woof woof the it goes right by the second girl hides in a cat crate and when the it goes by she says meow meow the blond hides in a potato sack and when the it comes by she screams POTATO NOISES.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk8zy0/a_blond_and_two_brown_haired_girls_are_playing/
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I have three different cigarette burns on my right arm that have never went away.

The first one came from me being incredibly drunk and telling my friends that they could burn me with it if they wanted because “mama didn’t raise no bitch”
The second one was from being really drunk a different time and my friends telling me that I was afraid to get burned with a cigarette again because it hurt too bad the first time.
The third time. You guessed it.
My mom also gets really upset every time she sees them. I can’t tell if she’s crying because she’s upset that I permanently scarred my body, or if they’re tears of joy because she can die knowing that she, in fact, didn’t raise no bitch.
Credit to u/ScrunchJeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk8w7h/i_have_three_different_cigarette_burns_on_my/
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A man is sitting in a crowded bus

He farts and it's extremely loud, everyone in the bus looks at him and start laughing
The man then says
"If I knew all of you were gonna laugh I would've taken a shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk8vru/a_man_is_sitting_in_a_crowded_bus/
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A coworker yesterday had some coffee go down the wrong way and he was having a time of it.

I asked if he was ok. He said, "yeah, that's why they call it 'cough-ee'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk8vnu/a_coworker_yesterday_had_some_coffee_go_down_the/
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I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk8u9e/i_just_saw_a_cashier_scan_the_eyes_of_a_rude/
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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Would you support another Brexit referendum?"

"Not at all, " he replied. With that my dog bit him. I carried on and I saw a woman,
I asked, "Would you support another Brexit referendum?"
"Never, " she said. My dog bit her as well.
As I carried on I met another man,
" Would you support another Brexit referendum?"
"Yes, we were all sold a lie, " he said. With that my dog bit him.
My dog doesn't give a fuck about Brexit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk8s1q/i_was_in_the_park_with_my_dog_and_i_said_to_this/
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I adopted a dog from a locksmith.

As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk8rpw/i_adopted_a_dog_from_a_locksmith/
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You know I gotta say, I’m a big fan of shields.

They’re really something I can get behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk8li9/you_know_i_gotta_say_im_a_big_fan_of_shields/
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I Told my psychiatrist today that I feel hopelessly depressed.

"Have you thought about self-harming?" He asked.
For fuck's sake, I thought you were here to help, I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk8kw3/i_told_my_psychiatrist_today_that_i_feel/
%
A scarecrow won 'best scarecrow' award.

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk8cfo/a_scarecrow_won_best_scarecrow_award/
%
If I download a song illegally from Jamaica, does that make me...

A pirate of the Caribbean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk8c1g/if_i_download_a_song_illegally_from_jamaica_does/
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What would be a terrifying game show for flat-earthers?

Sphere Factor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk8b04/what_would_be_a_terrifying_game_show_for/
%
How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk89ey/how_do_you_drown_a_blonde/
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A guy walks in a bar...

(Sorry in advance for my English, it's not my first language)
He sees on the counter of the bar a small pianist, about 10 inches tall, playing on a small piano.
- Man: What's up with the pianist?
- Barman: Oh, my genie got me that.
- Man: Can I wish for something?
- Barman: Sure!
*Makes the genie come out of his bottle*
- Genie: You can make one wish.
- Man: I want one million dollars!
The genie snapped his fingers and disappeared. Right away a lot of people wearing academic dresses start walking into the bar towards the man. The man was confused and angry.
- Man: Your genie has hearing problems, I asked for dollars, not scholars!!
- Barman: You really think I asked for a 10 inches pianist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk899m/a_guy_walks_in_a_bar/
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It's true that money can't buy happiness;

but happiness cannot buy groceries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk8887/its_true_that_money_cant_buy_happiness/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high..

She seemed surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk87ct/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
%
Have you ever gotten half way through eating a horse??

And thought, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk83e6/have_you_ever_gotten_half_way_through_eating_a/
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Little girl in Iraq...

...got a backpack as a present from her father.
She said,  "thanks for the Baghdad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk81on/little_girl_in_iraq/
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I went to a French zoo

There was a baguette in a cage, so I asked the keeper what that was about and apparently it was bread in captivity. (All credit to the wife for that one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk7yq6/i_went_to_a_french_zoo/
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I wanna put the "D" in...

Djibouti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk7wgx/i_wanna_put_the_d_in/
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I proposed to the girl I've been seeing for a while. She was freaking out and apparently she wanted to make things official.

I'm now signing some papers with the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk7o0t/i_proposed_to_the_girl_ive_been_seeing_for_a/
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My wife does not believe me, but I swear I never see her trying to get my attention to help in the kitchen.

She microwaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk7n4u/my_wife_does_not_believe_me_but_i_swear_i_never/
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Why did the man cross the road?

He wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk7mal/why_did_the_man_cross_the_road/
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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie
Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and agree to tow him and if there would be any problem just to honk or flash lights and he will stop and release him, as they started towing everything was great but as soon as ferrari driver got overtaken by Porsche he hit the pedal and started to race with Porsche, all with Yugo still attached to him, where Yugo driver started to flash lights and honk, but ferrari driver was to focused on reaching Porsche. Little ahead was police patrol and 1 officer went to take piss while other followed traffic, and when he seen Porsche and ferrari head to head and Yugo behind them flashing lights and honking, which resulted police officer pass out from shock. When other officer came back the first one was awake but shaken, and to question what happened he just said you wont believe, Ferrari and Porsche were driving 250 km h, while behind them Yugo was honking and flashing to let him pass them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk7gup/police_officers_stops_car_towing_no_idea_for/
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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk7gio/when_jane_first_met_tarzan_in_the_jungle_she_was/
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Me and my wife know the secret to a happy Marriage...

Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant.
She goes Mondays I go Fridays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk7av1/me_and_my_wife_know_the_secret_to_a_happy_marriage/
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I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk79me/i_went_to_the_doctors_recently_he_said_dont_eat/
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An original joke concerning an OG

So Arnold Schwarzenegger and his buddy were sitting in the backyard discussing the upcoming Halloween party they would be attending. As they hadn’t yet figured out what to dress up as, they kept tossing some ideas around.
“You could be the hulk?” His friend suggested.
Arnold shook his head no.
“Hmm” his buddy continued..”what about if we went as superheroes?”
Arnold shook his head again, not really his style right now.
“Oh I know!” His buddy stood up. “Let’s be musicians! I’ll be Mozart!”
A smile spread across Arnold’s face as he nodded, saying: “yes, great idea! As for me, I’ll be Bach!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk79cw/an_original_joke_concerning_an_og/
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How many economists are needed to run a country?

It doesn't matter, because nobody listens to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk78oi/how_many_economists_are_needed_to_run_a_country/
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An Indian tribe captured 3 men

The tribe told them to go out in the jungle and find 10 fruits of the same kind or they’d kill them. Tom comes back with 10 apples and the tribe men tell him to put them all in his ass without making a sound or they’d kill him. After the second apple Tom screamed and they killed him. Jim came back next with grapes. He was doing well 8, 9, but then he suddenly laughed and they killed him. Up in heaven Tom asked Jim why he laughed when he was so close to living? Jim tells Tom that John, the third man, came back with fucking pineapples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk774m/an_indian_tribe_captured_3_men/
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“What’s your opinion on abortion?”

“Well, it’s a difficult topic for me. On one hand, I like the idea of killing babies, but I hate giving women a choice.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk7707/whats_your_opinion_on_abortion/
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I'm a security guard with Samsung.

So yea, I am a guardian of the galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk75y2/im_a_security_guard_with_samsung/
%
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk74vs/what_do_you_do_when_a_blonde_throws_a_grenade_at/
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What do you call the area between 2 fake tits?

silicon valley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk734t/what_do_you_call_the_area_between_2_fake_tits/
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I went to a costume party last night dressed as a pinata

The girls were beating me off with a stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk6ve9/i_went_to_a_costume_party_last_night_dressed_as_a/
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What do you call a wizard that divorced his wife?

Dr. Estranged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk6tqi/what_do_you_call_a_wizard_that_divorced_his_wife/
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Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.

One yells to the other, 'How do you get to the other side?'
The other blonde replies, 'You are on the other side!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk6tpt/two_blondes_are_facing_each_other_across_a_wide/
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My hair and I have a love-hate relationship

It's always sticking up for me, even when I don't ask it to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk6tdf/my_hair_and_i_have_a_lovehate_relationship/
%
My son was sent home from school for swearing today.

I said, "what did you say?"
"The 'C' word."
I said "It wasn't clever, was it?"
He said, "no it was cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk6pwa/my_son_was_sent_home_from_school_for_swearing/
%
The Blue Whale is the largest creature to ever exist on the planet Earth.

But Greg's Ex-wife is a close second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk6mbd/the_blue_whale_is_the_largest_creature_to_ever/
%
A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.
"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.
"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.
She went "Because computer said the password has to be at least 5 characters and have a capital"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk6git/a_blondes_office_computer_had_technical_issues/
%
A man walks into a library

Looking around nervously, he asked in a quiet voice if the librarian knows of any books about paranoia. The Librarian quietly replies in a whisper: "They're right behind you ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk6cb1/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
%
Incest is not all that bad.

As family really does cum first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk67pk/incest_is_not_all_that_bad/
%
Some say a hot dog tastes better when flattened like a pancake

Quite frankly, that’s balogna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk67ds/some_say_a_hot_dog_tastes_better_when_flattened/
%
I was having dinner recently with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk65wk/i_was_having_dinner_recently_with_garry_kasparov/
%
How many guys in the friend zone does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They all just stand around it complimenting it, then get pissed when some other guy screws it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk60pj/how_many_guys_in_the_friend_zone_does_it_take_to/
%
My Grandma stopped smoking yesterday, its pretty impressive

Since i set her on fire a week ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk60pm/my_grandma_stopped_smoking_yesterday_its_pretty/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How you gonna eat with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk5zkp/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
%
My mom entered my room and found me all stressed out facing my PC.

"Having trouble with your computer?" she asked.
"Yes, it seems not to find the new printer," I replied.
My mum looked round my room then replied, "I'm not surprised. Look how messy your room is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk5to4/my_mom_entered_my_room_and_found_me_all_stressed/
%
Involuntary Muscle Contractions

A medical professor at a university was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscle Contractions" to his first year medical students.
He points to a pretty young woman in the front row, and said "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied "Probably out fishing with his mates!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk5t0i/involuntary_muscle_contractions/
%
I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk5qa9/i_got_a_vasectomy_but_my_gf_still_got_pregnant/
%
A plane's engine suddenly catches on fire

As the plane starts to descend rapidly, a woman gets out of her seat, rips off her clothes and yells
"I want to feel like a woman for one last time!"
A man gets up, takes off his shirt and shouts
"Wash mine, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk5kab/a_planes_engine_suddenly_catches_on_fire/
%
99% of people are stupid.

Luckily I’m part of the other 2%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk5j5f/99_of_people_are_stupid/
%
I keep asking what LGBT stands for...

But I'm not getting any straight answers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk5esl/i_keep_asking_what_lgbt_stands_for/
%
A brunette is chatting with her blonde bff

"Guess what?" giggles the brunette. "I fucked a Brazilian last night."
The blonde looks at her, eyes wide.
"You slut!," she cries,
"Wait, how many is a Brazilian again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk5akd/a_brunette_is_chatting_with_her_blonde_bff/
%
How can you tell a construction worker from a chemist?

You ask him to pronounce “Unionized“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk54qr/how_can_you_tell_a_construction_worker_from_a/
%
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk54g3/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_walken/
%
My father and I were leaving our hotel in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.

I said, "Don't forget your Baghdad".
(Hopefully it isn't a repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4yyg/my_father_and_i_were_leaving_our_hotel_in_iraq/
%
A blonde ordered a pizza. The clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

The blonde answered, "Oh! six. I could never eat twelve pieces."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4yci/a_blonde_ordered_a_pizza_the_clerk_asked_if_he/
%
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4wjo/what_do_you_call_kids_born_in_whorehouses/
%
When a girl sleeps with 10 guys, she is a slut.

But when I do the same, I’m told that I’m Gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4tvs/when_a_girl_sleeps_with_10_guys_she_is_a_slut/
%
What’s the difference between a post, a riposte and a repost?

Usually about half an hour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4qpz/whats_the_difference_between_a_post_a_riposte_and/
%
Bro, can you help me name these information pamphlets?

Brochure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4q90/bro_can_you_help_me_name_these_information/
%
A guy and his friend buy ice cream.

The guy says "I don't want to be racist, but this ice  tastes great!"
The friend replies "That is not racist."
"That's what I said. Fucking Romanians, they never listen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4o2i/a_guy_and_his_friend_buy_ice_cream/
%
How Long is a Chinese name



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4m0g/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
%
How are unvaccinated kids and anti-vax jokes similar?

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4ivh/how_are_unvaccinated_kids_and_antivax_jokes/
%
Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had 4, they’d be called chicken sedans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4isl/why_do_chicken_coops_have_two_doors/
%
Hey man! Did you take a look at that joke I posted on r/Jokes

Yeah man I reddit..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4ig2/hey_man_did_you_take_a_look_at_that_joke_i_posted/
%
Two little kids are in a hospital

They’re lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4heh/two_little_kids_are_in_a_hospital/
%
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church

He enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4gho/a_drunk_staggers_into_a_catholic_church/
%
What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?

His co-workers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4fqa/what_do_you_throw_to_a_drowning_irs_agent/
%
What do Anti-Vaxxers and Jephthah have in common?

Both are idiots..
And they killed their kid..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4eer/what_do_antivaxxers_and_jephthah_have_in_common/
%
How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4edd/how_much_does_a_hipster_weigh/
%
I keep seeing in the news about lawmakers attempting to pass laws allowing teachers to concealed carry...

Math is hard enough for some students
Now they'll have to worry about Triggernometry as well?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4dzs/i_keep_seeing_in_the_news_about_lawmakers/
%
What is brown and rhymes with Snoop Dogg?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4bxl/what_is_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop_dogg/
%
A man was badly injured in a car accident

The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4bq6/a_man_was_badly_injured_in_a_car_accident/
%
My brother was born by C-section.

You can't really tell except when he leaves the house he goes out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4aq4/my_brother_was_born_by_csection/
%
Tips while f***ing :

• Keep f***ing periods short
• Stay hydrated
• Stop f***ing if u feel unwell
• Eat enough protein
• Consider **supplements**
• Keep **exercise** mild
•  F***ing isn't for everyone
*So remember to follow these tips while Fasting*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk49w4/tips_while_fing/
%
a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk4587/a_man_stabbed_his_salad_23_times/
%
Why do Chinese people get good grades in maths?

Because their dogs don't eat their homework

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk443m/why_do_chinese_people_get_good_grades_in_maths/
%
"Your days are numbered!"

# "Your days are numbered!"
Inventor of the calendar, joyously announcing his accomplishment!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk3zxq/your_days_are_numbered/
%
Bloody Passwords

PASSWORD PROBLEMS:
WINDOWS:   Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER:   boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER:  50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively.
USER:   50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER :  IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS:   *Sorry, that password is already in use.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk3ugb/bloody_passwords/
%
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk3s4b/in_surgery_for_a_heart_attack_a_middleaged_woman/
%
I have a very large sex drive

About 1 terabyte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk3r7u/i_have_a_very_large_sex_drive/
%
Bald Joke

An old friend went bald years ago, but still carries a comb with him.
He just can't part with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk3n9x/bald_joke/
%
What the last words Jim Bowie's ex-wife said to him?

Remember the alimony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk3kkn/what_the_last_words_jim_bowies_exwife_said_to_him/
%
Every cigarette you smoke takes 7 minutes of your life.

And gives it to Keith Richards. Do your part to keep him immortal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk3kj2/every_cigarette_you_smoke_takes_7_minutes_of_your/
%
Did you hear about the dwarf who got robbed

How could anyone stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk3a2r/did_you_hear_about_the_dwarf_who_got_robbed/
%
Yo what up! My name is Rumpelstiltskin!

And if you can guess my name...
FUCK!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk38sm/yo_what_up_my_name_is_rumpelstiltskin/
%
What is 6's thoughts about 7?

6 finds 7 to be rather odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk36j3/what_is_6s_thoughts_about_7/
%
Why don’t you see many Mexican hockey players?

They try to avoid ICE at all costs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2zby/why_dont_you_see_many_mexican_hockey_players/
%
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2yza/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
Matthew McConaghey’s Car can’t make left turns...

It only goes, Alright, alright, alright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2xj9/matthew_mcconagheys_car_cant_make_left_turns/
%
Why was the blonde girl so happy she finished the puzzle in 2 months?

Cause the box said 3-4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2wlx/why_was_the_blonde_girl_so_happy_she_finished_the/
%
What do you call a gay grenade?

A fraggot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2tfq/what_do_you_call_a_gay_grenade/
%
George Bush bought a rotisserie chicken

As he was walking out of the grocery store, he looked at the chicken. As he held it in his hand, he thought to himself,
“Hey, this chicken isn’t too big. I could easily eat this in one bite.”
So that’s exactly what he did when he got home. He struggled greatly, but he eventually was able to swallow it. However, Bush started choking on the chicken. His wife walked into the kitchen and saw her husband gagging, and she performed the Heimlich maneuver on him. Bush thanked his wife for saving his life, but then they both looked on the kitchen floor and saw two chickens instead of one.
That just goes to show that a bird in the hand is worth two in the Bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2rqn/george_bush_bought_a_rotisserie_chicken/
%
Why wasn’t Groot any good at working undercover?

Everybody could tell he was a plant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2orh/why_wasnt_groot_any_good_at_working_undercover/
%
The real joy is in waiting for what's to come

So there was this slightly introverted high school student who had never asked a girl to a dance. It's his senior year and he feels that he should go to prom. So he musters up the courage and asks one of his friends. She says yes. Now he has to prepare for the dance.
The next day, he goes to buy his tickets, and there is a huge line. So he waits, and waits, and waits, then he finally gets the tickets.
The next day, he goes with his date to go get a dress. When they get to the store, there is a huge line going out the door. So the wait, they wait, and they wait. Finally, they get to the front and buy a dress.
After this, they go to men's warehouse to get him a suit for the dance, and there is a huge line going out the door. So they wait, wait, and wait. Finally, they get in and buy a nice suit.
The next day, he remembers that he needs to order a corsage. So he goes to the local store and there is a huge line. So he waits, waits, and waits until he gets his order in.
Now it's the day before prom and he wakes up and realizes that he forgot to order a limo, so he calls up the limo rental place. All the lines are busy so he decides to go into the place. When he gets there, he sees the line stretching out the door and around the corner. So he waits, and waits, and waits, until finally, he was lucky enough to get the very last limo.
So now it's the night of the dance and when they get to the prom, the school is doing mandatory drug testing, so there is a huge line getting into the prom. So the wait, wait, and wait. Finally, they get to the front and they both pass their drug tests.
Now the dance was going pretty good for about a half an hour, until he really, really had to go to the bathroom. So he takes off to go, and he sees this huge line going out of the bathroom. He waits, waits, and waits until he finally takes care of his business.
When he comes out of the bathroom, he notices that a crowd has formed around his date. She had just randomly passed out. Someone says to him, "hey, you're her date, go get her some punch." So he goes over to the punch table and thank god, there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2oml/the_real_joy_is_in_waiting_for_whats_to_come/
%
Why is shrek a classic meme

Cause that’s what  ALL STARted it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2odm/why_is_shrek_a_classic_meme/
%
What do you call uncircumcised neo-nazis?

Foreskin heads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2kgq/what_do_you_call_uncircumcised_neonazis/
%
They say you should never meet your heroes.

Guess dad found out he's my hero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2giw/they_say_you_should_never_meet_your_heroes/
%
Why did the sovereign citizen cross the road?

That none of your business and I am free to travel on my way without being harassed, am I being detained?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2eh2/why_did_the_sovereign_citizen_cross_the_road/
%
What do school shooting jokes and their victims have in common ?

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2e5a/what_do_school_shooting_jokes_and_their_victims/
%
A dwarf enters a competition to see who can lift Mjolnir.

Thousands of people try, but of course, fail. Then it's the Dwarf's turn.
Thor himself is in fact in attendance, and takes great amusement when he sees the dwarf waddle up to the hammer.
He squats down, grabs the handle, and using all of his power, lifts the hammer.
The dwarf looks up to see Thor, who has a shocked expression on his face.
He also realizes he had pulled his shoulder, his quads,  and his biceps.
Thor is silent, until he asks, "Who are you? Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
The dwarf responds, "I'm a little Thor".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2doz/a_dwarf_enters_a_competition_to_see_who_can_lift/
%
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE . God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2bll/the_children_were_lined_up_in_the_cafeteria_of_a/
%
Why did the farmer lose the race with his cow through the town square?

Because you can't beat your meat in public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk2bgj/why_did_the_farmer_lose_the_race_with_his_cow/
%
What do you call a reluctant horse?

A neigh-sayer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk27uu/what_do_you_call_a_reluctant_horse/
%
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk25xg/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
I'm Catholic just like I'm Straight

I'm not, but I pretend to be around my family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk1zze/im_catholic_just_like_im_straight/
%
I'm not sure where all the racists are going to go when social media platforms kick them off

They can't all go to Congress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk1ze0/im_not_sure_where_all_the_racists_are_going_to_go/
%
Chewbacca too soon joke?

Anyone have any?
What did the doctor say when he couldn’t revive him? It was a wookie mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk1tq4/chewbacca_too_soon_joke/
%
What do you call a hippie's wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk1pkd/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
%
[SPOILER] I finally got my fat ass over to watch Endgame.

Apparently, I have the body of a God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk1ogy/spoiler_i_finally_got_my_fat_ass_over_to_watch/
%
My Neighbours knocked on my door at 3am!

I mean can u believe it? I almost dropped my power drill!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk1o37/my_neighbours_knocked_on_my_door_at_3am/
%
What’s the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator?

Refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk1neb/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_guy_and_a/
%
What's that joke about Midas and Oedipus?

I know the punchline was mother fucking gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk1k2y/whats_that_joke_about_midas_and_oedipus/
%
Dicks that can't get hard are the best.

They can't be beat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk1it2/dicks_that_cant_get_hard_are_the_best/
%
I got in touch with my inner self today...

Last time I ever buy cheap toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk1egi/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
%
How is gender like the Twin Towers?

There used to be only TWO of them, but now, it's a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk19ng/how_is_gender_like_the_twin_towers/
%
What does a hidden compartment in a drawer have in common with Kim Kardashian?

The false bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk19lz/what_does_a_hidden_compartment_in_a_drawer_have/
%
Everyone tells me I’m a very responsible person

Whenever something goes wrong they say im responsible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk171x/everyone_tells_me_im_a_very_responsible_person/
%
A little boy’s grandpa had surgery...

And it went well.
The doctor told everyone in the waiting room that it was a successful operation. 30 minutes later the grandpa is up and at em meeting with his family.
While they’re there the doc was telling the standard recovery for the procedure.
Doc: “First of all the anesthetic can make you nauseous, we recommend not eating for a few hours”
Everyone nodded in agreement.
Doc: “Another thing is it you may feel loopy for a bit. For the next few hours you may want to use a wheel chair.
Everyone nodded in agreement.
Finally the doc said: “ The biggest thing to remember is make sure not to lift anything more then 5 pounds for the next week or so”
Everyone nodded in agreement except for the grandpa who looked a little annoyed.
As the family is headed back to the car celebrating the successful surgery the little boy ask:
“Why are you so sad Grandpa?”
Grandpa: “Well buddy, Grandpa has to pee sitting down.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk16u6/a_little_boys_grandpa_had_surgery/
%
What do both Paul Walker and Vin Diesel have in common?

Both of their last big hits were trees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk0xkz/what_do_both_paul_walker_and_vin_diesel_have_in/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees three blondes sitting at a table across the room.

Apparently they were celebrating because every few minutes they would toast and say “6 months”. They kept doing this and curiously built up in the man, so he decided to walk over and he said, “excuse me ladies, but I noticed you’re celebrating something, what does it have to do with 6 months?” One of the girls replied “we finished this puzzle in 6 months and on the box it said 2-4 years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk0wmr/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_three_blondes/
%
Domestic violence is no laughing matter

For some people, they hit really close to home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk0ur1/domestic_violence_is_no_laughing_matter/
%
A preacher moves to a new neighborhood...

He rides his bike around the neighborhood checking it out, and comes across a little boy with a lawn mower and a for sale sign.
Preacher:Why you selling the lawnmower?
Boy:I'm tired of mowing, I want a bike to ride around on.
Preacher:Well I just moved here and I need a lawnmower, how bout you trade me the lawnmower for this bike?
The boy agreed and rode off on the bike as the preacher pushed the mower home. Later that afternoon the boy rides to the preacher's house and sees him in the yard yanking the mower cord desperately.
The boy says:How you like the mower?
Preacher: You cheated me son, this mower won't start.
Boy:Oh it'll start but you just gotta give it a good cussin' first.
Preacher:I can't do that! I'm a preacher! I bout forget how to cuss!
Boy:Well just keep pulling on that rope it'll come back to you real quick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk0sl6/a_preacher_moves_to_a_new_neighborhood/
%
Why does Irish chili only have 239 beans?

Because anymore and it'd be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk0poe/why_does_irish_chili_only_have_239_beans/
%
What do you call an apathetic socialist state?

The "So be it" Union.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk0phv/what_do_you_call_an_apathetic_socialist_state/
%
A teen moves to a new school

, only to learn it has a very similar social structure. There's only one group that he can't figure out. It's made up of a cheerleader, a goth girl, and a thot.
He finds a group he gets along with pretty well and asks one of his new classmates about them.
The friend says, "Yea, I heard that if you bring in a riddle that the cheerleader can't solve, she'll sleep with you. And if you bring in a jar filled with beans or something like that, and give it to the goth, if she gets the count of whatever is in there wrong she'll sleep with you. If you bring in a paragraph and the thot can't pronounce one of the words in it, she'll sleep with you.
The teen is eager to test this, and goes home to find a riddle.
He comes back the next day and finds the cheerleader. He gives her the riddle. "I have no wings, yet I fly. I have no eyes, yet I cry. What am I?"
After thinking for a while, the cheerleader guesses, "Is it a water balloon?"
The teen tells her, "No it, was a cloud." The cheerleader then invites him over that night where they have the best sex of the teen's young sex life.
The next day, eager to do it again, brings in a jar filled with pennies. He finds the goth and tries to give her the jar.
The goth looks at him confused for a second, before explaining, "No, you must have heard wrong, I'm the one who does passage readings."
The teen takes back his jar, embarrassed. As he walks away, the Goth girl calls out to him:
"Just remember, when giving us stuff, it's the thot that counts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk0nfh/a_teen_moves_to_a_new_school/
%
A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum...

Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.  Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs.  Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began.  After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, "I have a problem. It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favour."  Heidi replied, "Okay," to which he asked, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?"  Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.  The guy then asked, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?"  Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.  Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man."  Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.  Finally, the guy said to Heidi, "Do you mind if I call you Phil?"  Heidi had now become very dejected, and said "No, I guess not, you can call me Phil."  So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted "Phil, you'll never believe who I'm fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk0j38/a_guy_was_stranded_on_a_desert_island_with_heidi/
%
What is Long,Hard and has cum in it

a Cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk0iba/what_is_longhard_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk0guv/police_officer_how_high_are_you/
%
There's a lot of talk about making Puerto Rico the 51st state

But I think the goal should be to get to 53 states.
A good solid **prime** number.
One *Indivisible* Nation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk0dhg/theres_a_lot_of_talk_about_making_puerto_rico_the/
%
Superman is flying through Metropolis

, feeling rather horny. He glances around, and spots Wonder Woman lying naked on a rooftop with her legs spread apart.
Using his super speed, Superman flies over to her, does what he came to do, and in the blink of an eye, is gone.
"What was that?" Wonder Woman asked, aloud.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man on top of her, "but every repost of this joke is a real pain in my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk0bys/superman_is_flying_through_metropolis/
%
Somebody made fun of my big, colorful beak the other day.

Well Toucan play at that game.
(first joke pls don't roast thx)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk0bo8/somebody_made_fun_of_my_big_colorful_beak_the/
%
I really love the rapper 50 cent

Or as what we here in Zimbabwe call him.
4.563 billion dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk09qz/i_really_love_the_rapper_50_cent/
%
Where do priests buy their sex toys?

At Boys R Us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk075n/where_do_priests_buy_their_sex_toys/
%
My friends keep calling me the hunchback of Notre Dame

Its not about my posture though, it's cuz my house burned down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk06ej/my_friends_keep_calling_me_the_hunchback_of_notre/
%
What do you call a guy with a plant fetish?

A Weed Whacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk05ym/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_plant_fetish/
%
What do you call a couple of EMT’s?

A pair of medics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk00zx/what_do_you_call_a_couple_of_emts/
%
I’m going to a charity even for female amputees this week.

The place is going to be *crawling* with chicks. It will be easy to *pick them up*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk00u4/im_going_to_a_charity_even_for_female_amputees/
%
In my previous life, night time would never help me have erection

But morning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk00po/in_my_previous_life_night_time_would_never_help/
%
I hate acne jokes

They make face all red

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bk009u/i_hate_acne_jokes/
%
A man came to my door today asking for donations for the local community pool,

So I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjzvtv/a_man_came_to_my_door_today_asking_for_donations/
%
If you shave the corners off a 50 pence piece how much is it worth?

Around 50p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjztil/if_you_shave_the_corners_off_a_50_pence_piece_how/
%
What do you call a hippie's wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjzid3/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
%
Dads are like Boomerangs

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjzemm/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
What do you do to 365 used condoms?

Melt them, shape them into a tyre and call it a good year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjzaf6/what_do_you_do_to_365_used_condoms/
%
Did you know that when pigeons have sex they die?

Well the one I fucked did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjz5qq/did_you_know_that_when_pigeons_have_sex_they_die/
%
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

One can wash their crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjz56n/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
%
They all laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, no-one's laughing now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjz43f/they_all_laughed_when_i_said_i_was_going_to_be_a/
%
“I think brewery is a perfect word...

You can’t say it without sounding at least a little drunk.” - Aaron Jaffe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjz1g5/i_think_brewery_is_a_perfect_word/
%
Slavery jokes aren't very funny.

I give them 3 out of 5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjz0pq/slavery_jokes_arent_very_funny/
%
A man sees a girl in the bar and decides to drop a pickup line

Him: Are you from Tennessee? Cause you’re the only Ten-I-See!
Her: Are you from Alabama? Cause I’m your sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjyt07/a_man_sees_a_girl_in_the_bar_and_decides_to_drop/
%
Dark joke about children, read at own risk

How many children do you need to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjyqmu/dark_joke_about_children_read_at_own_risk/
%
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters and never has 5 letters.

that's the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjypo6/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_has_9_letters_and/
%
WARNING WILL CONTAIN ENDGAME SPOILERS

If falcon is the new captain america does that mean he is going to be captain falcon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjyl7p/warning_will_contain_endgame_spoilers/
%
I feel sorry for gay homeless people

They have no closet to come out of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjyiew/i_feel_sorry_for_gay_homeless_people/
%
Damn Millennials,

Walking around like they rent the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjya16/damn_millennials/
%
A florist goes to the barber to get a haircut...

After getting it he goes to pay the barber.
The barber says, "I'm doing community service this week. No charge."
The next day the barber finds  a dozen roses on his doorstep.
Later that day a baker comes to get his haircut.
After getting it he goes to pay the barber.
The barber says, "I'm doing community service this week. No charge."
The next day the barber finds  a dozen donuts on his doorstep.
Later that day a congressman comes to get his haircut.
After getting it he goes to pay the barber.
The barber says, "I'm doing community service this week. No charge."
The next day the barber finds a dozen congressmen on his doorstep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjy2ua/a_florist_goes_to_the_barber_to_get_a_haircut/
%
I like my women like I like my toilet paper

thick, soft and prepared to spend a lot of time around an asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjxytv/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_toilet_paper/
%
the least spoken language, huh?

Sign language, obviously

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjxvks/the_least_spoken_language_huh/
%
There are only two phone numbers in China the wings and the wongs

So you might wing the wong number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjxth1/there_are_only_two_phone_numbers_in_china_the/
%
How do frogs kill themselves?

They Kermit Suicide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjxp67/how_do_frogs_kill_themselves/
%
Baby head

A man and his wife have their first baby, and it’s a boy. However, the baby is just the head. Perfectly healthy, but only a head nonetheless.
The man raises his child as normally as possible, and when the child turns 21, he takes him to a bar to celebrate.
He orders a beer for himself and a beer for his child. He feeds the beer to his son and BAM! A torso pops out. “Well, that was odd, let’s try again”, he thinks. He feeds another beer to son and BAM! Two arms pop out. “No way!” At this point everyone is interested, and the son asks for a third beer. BAM BAM! Two legs pop out, and the son is now a perfectly formed, fully grown adult.
Excited, and drunk from never having consumed before, the son begins to dance around and wanders out into the road, where he is unfortunately hit by a truck.
The bartender sighs and says to the father, “well, I guess he should’ve quit while he was ahead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjxp1l/baby_head/
%
How a roman crowd calls a canibal after he finished a female fighter in the the Colosseum?

Glad-he-ate-her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjxnss/how_a_roman_crowd_calls_a_canibal_after_he/
%
A man woke up to find his car missing

The man and his wife rushed to the nearest police station to file the complaint. They went back with their sad faces and continued their routine work. But the life is full of surprises when the man got up the next morning he saw his car in his own garage completely washed and polished.
He saw an envelope on the driver’s seat. When he opened it up he found 4 Cinema tickets along with a letter.
“*Dear Sir i’m not a thief. My wife was pregnant and yesterday she felt labor pain. I don’t have a car and couldn’t find lift so i broke the lock of your car. On the way to the hospital her water broke out. I have washed and polished your car and here are the cinema tickets for your entire family please go and enjoy.*”
The man become emotional he told his wife and that day they went to the cinema together and enjoyed a lot.
They came back to the home to find the front door open and all lockers were broken and cash was missing. There was a letter purposely placed on the sofa….
“**How was the film Sir?**”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjxhid/a_man_woke_up_to_find_his_car_missing/
%
Englishmen on a train

Heard this a long time ago, on a Lewis Grizzard comedy album.  Thought you all would like it.
Two Englishmen brothers were riding the train through London when they saw a highly decorated officer in the British army sitting in the train car across from them..  The elder brother confers with the younger, and has him ask the officer, "Pardon me sir, but my brother and I were wondering, has your Army service ever had you go to India?"
The officer replies,  "Oh, yes, I have been to India, in fact it was my home for two years during the war."
The older brother, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did he say, Reggie?"
"He said he's been to India," the younger brother replied.​
After a little lull in the conversation, the older brother once again confers with the younger, and has him ask, "While you were in India, did you ever visit the city of Punjab?"
The officer replies, "Ah, Punjab!  Yes, my men and I made several visits to Punjab while we were stationed there.  It's a wonderful city!"
"What did he say, Reggie?" the older brother asked.
"He says he's been to Punjab," the younger replied.
Once again, the older brother confers with the younger, and has him ask the officer, "While you were in Punjab, did you ever meet a Lady Eleanor?"
The officer replied, "Ah, Lady Eleanor!  Yes, we knew her well, in fact me and my men say that she gives the best oral sex in all of India!"
"What did he say, Reggie?"
"He says he knows Mother," the younger brother responded.​

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjxdsc/englishmen_on_a_train/
%
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."
She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjxa6y/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_blonde_woman_last_night/
%
What would Ed Sheeran be if he wasn't a musician?

A virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjx8bq/what_would_ed_sheeran_be_if_he_wasnt_a_musician/
%
My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjx65f/my_girlfriend_if_you_dont_stop_making_scooby_doo/
%
I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjx5f3/i_never_understood_school_shooting_jokes/
%
[True story] A coworker never heard of the burger restaurant “Five Guys”

And his daughter told him “I had five guys last night and I’m not feeling well now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjx4cl/true_story_a_coworker_never_heard_of_the_burger/
%
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn’t cure it, but it does keep the sheets off my legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjwyqn/ive_been_taking_viagra_for_my_sunburn/
%
A policeman knocks at the door

A man opens it, and the policeman tells him with a serious expression:.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir, but it looks like your wife was ran over by a truck.".
"Yes I know, but she has an excellent personality!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjwv3n/a_policeman_knocks_at_the_door/
%
My friends and I created a boysband of classical music.

We are the Bach Street Boys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjwsnj/my_friends_and_i_created_a_boysband_of_classical/
%
A golem walks into a bar...

And the barkeeper says "Livingstone, I presume?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjwkra/a_golem_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjwk2o/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
A man is in vegas and decides to walk along the strip after a long night of gambling...

All of a sudden, the man is approached by a hooker.
Hoping to end the night well, the man asks "How much for a hand job?"
"$1000" replies the hooker.
"$1000? That's an insane amount for a hand job!" says the man as he begins to walk away.
The hooker stops him and says "See that casino over there? I own that casino because I give the best hand jobs in the world."
Intrigued the man decides to pay the $1000.
He takes the hooker up to his hotel room and receives his hand job.
After the hand job he is stunned. "Wow that was amazing, it's no wonder you own that casino."
"I told you" says the hooker as she leaves to go back to the strip.
The next night the man sees the same hooker once again.
"Your hand job yesterday was amazing, how much for a blow job?" he asks.
"$5000" says the hooker.
"$5000?! Okay the hand job was good but that is just way too much" he says.
The hooker points down the strip and says "See those two hotels? I own both of them because I give the best bj on the planet."
The man decides to take her word for it and takes her up to his hotel room once again.
After the blow job the man is stunned.
"Wow that was incredible!!" he says.
"While you're here, how much for your pussy?" the man asks.
The hooker looks at him and says
"Honey, if I had a pussy I'd own the whole strip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjwjxh/a_man_is_in_vegas_and_decides_to_walk_along_the/
%
A young military man is standing outside having a smoke

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.
A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"
The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".
The Lieutenant stares at him, mouth agape, then begins tearing into him. "What directly in the fuck did you call me Private? I am not your buddy, I am an Officer, and you will afford me all the respect deserving of my rank! Put your heels together and stand at attention when you address me!"
The Lieutenant takes a deep breath, and looks the Private who is now standing ramrod straight, over.
"Let me ask you again, Private, and chose your words carefully this time. Do you have change for a dollar?"
"I do not, sir!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjwfy7/a_young_military_man_is_standing_outside_having_a/
%
Man walks to library

He goes up to the librarian, : "can i have an hotdog?"
Librarian: "sorry sir but this is a library."
Man: "oh sorry!
"Says quietly": "can i have an hotdog?"
Sorry for bad english

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjwfi0/man_walks_to_library/
%
Pineapple

3 men are stranded on an island and after an hour of walking they come across a large tribe. The leader approaches them and they say this.
“ Hello sir. Me and my friends have been shipwrecked here and need some help”
The tribe leader replied
“ we will allow you to stay with if you can find us 10 pieces of fruit each”
Each of the men ran off to find their fruit. Half an hour later the 1st man comes back with 10 apples. He tries to present the leader with the apples but he refuses.
“ These aren’t for me, These are for you to prove your bravery, You must shove each of these apples up your rectum while showing no emotion, if you show emotion you will be killed”
The man stands up and begins shoving apples. He does the first one successfully but he burst out crying after the second. He is shot full of arrows.
The second man comes to the leader with 10 cherries. He is asked to do the same thing. He gets to the 8th cherry with minimal discomfort. He reaches for the next cherry but begins laughing hysterically. He is killed immediately.
The first two men meet up in heaven and the first man asks
“Why did you laugh”?
The second man responds
“ I was doing fine until I saw the last guy come up with 10 pineapples.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjwbv7/pineapple/
%
You know what beats Stonehenge?

Paperhenge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjw9wj/you_know_what_beats_stonehenge/
%
A man walks into a bar

The man, named Robert Mueller, scowls and asks, "Why the hell do you keep getting in my way, William?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjw90h/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did the fallen leaves say to the gardener?

Blow me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvy9g/what_did_the_fallen_leaves_say_to_the_gardener/
%
A guy was acing his interview

when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start Monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvtk8/a_guy_was_acing_his_interview/
%
My family couldn't agree on whether to get grandpa buried or cremated...

...so in the end we just let him live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvs6r/my_family_couldnt_agree_on_whether_to_get_grandpa/
%
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvres/a_mexican_man_who_spoke_no_english_went_into_a/
%
What's the difference between men and women

If a women says "Here, smell this!"
It's usually nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvr88/whats_the_difference_between_men_and_women/
%
How do you get two flutes to play in tune?

Shoot one of them.
How do you get two violins to play in tune? Shoot both of them.
How do you get two altos to sing in tune? It doesn’t matter, nobody’s listening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvq0g/how_do_you_get_two_flutes_to_play_in_tune/
%
In America, dogs are K9.

In China, dogs are E10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvpiy/in_america_dogs_are_k9/
%
Why can’t you drive when there are two demons in the backseat of your car?

Because you shouldn’t drive while imp-paired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvp04/why_cant_you_drive_when_there_are_two_demons_in/
%
Smart Pills

A poor man who has no money decides to paint peas different colors and sell them at a market, labeling them as smart pills for $5 a piece.
A man walks over to his booth and buys a 'pill.'
Doesn't seem to comprehend
He decides to buy another one.
Still not hitting him
He buys a third and eats it. Suddenly he looks at the man and say:
Hey! These are just peas!
The man looks over and him as says:
Ahhh see, you're getting smarter already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvokd/smart_pills/
%
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel for a convention.

A fire breaks out in each of their trash cans at the same time during the night.
The engineer wakes up, dumps water onto the fire until its out, then a little more to make sure it stays out, and goes back to bed.
The physicist wakes up, grabs his notepad, calculates the amount of water he needs to put out the fire, puts it out, and goes back to bed.
The mathematician wakes up, grabs his notepad, proves that water can put out fire and goes back to bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvnim/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_a_mathematician_are/
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I’ve seen this reposted many times but bear with me

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvn00/ive_seen_this_reposted_many_times_but_bear_with_me/
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Have you seen the movie "Constipated"?

It's not out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvml0/have_you_seen_the_movie_constipated/
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Why do blind people hate skydiving?

Because it scares their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvlaw/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
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My first original joke, from elementary school days: What do flies drink?

Fly swatter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvi6k/my_first_original_joke_from_elementary_school/
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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was on r/jokes last week’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjvbr8/a_woman_decides_to_have_a_face_lift_for_her_50th/
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A guy was arrested for downloading a poorly rated movie.

It had only a rating of 3.14 on IMDB. But then again, it is illegal to download a pie-rated movie.
Ps: not my joke. Heard it today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjv8pn/a_guy_was_arrested_for_downloading_a_poorly_rated/
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The best Theremin player in the world

Doesn’t even have to touch his instrument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjv7s7/the_best_theremin_player_in_the_world/
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This is really my meanest joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. "You forgot to account for wind. Give it here", he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells, "We got him!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjv758/this_is_really_my_meanest_joke/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjv704/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
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A penguin is driving down the road

A penguin is driving through the desert and his car starts to sputter and loose power. He just barely makes it to a mechanic, the car stalling out as he coasted into the parking lot.
He walking in and asks if there is anything that can be done. The mechanic tells him that he’ll give it a look and to go to the ice cream shop next door while he waits.
The penguin is more than willing because it’s hot and he is not used to the desert heat.
He walks into the shop and is surprised to find they are out of every flavor except vanilla. But he is so hot and exhausted it didn’t matter at this point, so he orders the largest size vanilla.
As he sat down, having been in a little flustered, he realized that he can’t hold a spoon with his flippers. Again being hot and exhausted, he just starts paddling it into his mouth, resulting in him making quite a mess.
When he is finished he walks back over to the mechanic, ice cream still dripping from his beak. He asks the mechanic if he figured out what was wrong.
The mechanic says, “Listen buddy it looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin replies, “NO, NO, I WAS JUST EATING ICE CREAM!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjv6av/a_penguin_is_driving_down_the_road/
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like?” She finally asked. The police women replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the police woman. “Here it is.” She said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize that you were a cop.....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjv67s/a_blonde_woman_was_speeding_down_the_road_in_her/
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What are the similarities between fucking a prostitute and bungee jumping?

If the rubber breaks, you're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjv1rc/what_are_the_similarities_between_fucking_a/
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We still don't know what caused the Notre Dame fire...

But Quasimodo has a hunch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjv05x/we_still_dont_know_what_caused_the_notre_dame_fire/
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A group of lunatics are on a plane

While in the air, a lot of noise is heard from the cabin and the plane begins to violently shake. The pilot asks the copilot to go into the cabin to see what's wrong. A few minutes later, the copilot comes back into the cockpit.
"The passengers are playing football."
The pilot says "Why are they playing football? This is an aeroplane! Make them stop!"
So the copilot goes back into the cabin. A few minutes later the noise stops and the plane stops shaking. The copilot comes back into the cabin.
"That was quick! How did you do it?"
"I told them to go play outside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjuypx/a_group_of_lunatics_are_on_a_plane/
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A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbors dog.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and she goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjuxat/a_blonde_and_her_husband_are_lying_in_bed/
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It’s time to stop Alabamian stereotypes.

Me, my dad, my uncle, my mom, my aunt, and my grandfather have started a petition to stop these stereotypes.
We may only have 3 signatures, but we can start a change!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjuvjr/its_time_to_stop_alabamian_stereotypes/
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Interviewer: what inspired your theory on gravity?

Newton: well, I fell off the toil—...............
Agent [leans into the mic]: an apple fell on his head...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjuv9l/interviewer_what_inspired_your_theory_on_gravity/
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Biologists [find a whale washed up on the shore]

Biologists [find a whale washed]: it’s a new species, what do we call it?................
Bunch o’ surfer dudes walking by: yo! Killer whale dude.....................
Biologists[looking at each other]:...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjuumc/biologists_find_a_whale_washed_up_on_the_shore/
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I wrote a joke about abortion...

But i decided not to keep it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjutme/i_wrote_a_joke_about_abortion/
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An interesting fact about the human body

Did you know, the last thing that happens to your body after you die is your pupils widen? It's because they dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjurwl/an_interesting_fact_about_the_human_body/
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Why did the hipster's stomach hurt?

He had indie-gestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjup0w/why_did_the_hipsters_stomach_hurt/
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My girlfriend in college was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she is up to now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjuo2r/my_girlfriend_in_college_was_obsessed_with_trying/
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My family is the only reason I keep living

I don't want to give those fuckers the satisfaction of my suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjufhr/my_family_is_the_only_reason_i_keep_living/
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Someone on the internet called me a neck-beard fedora wearing faggot.

Has my webcam been hacked?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjuf6e/someone_on_the_internet_called_me_a_neckbeard/
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How do Oedipus and Sisyphus greet each other?

- Yo, rolling stone!
- Yo, motherfucker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjucxh/how_do_oedipus_and_sisyphus_greet_each_other/
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Just came back from the state fair and saw the world's smallest pickle

It was no big dill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjubud/just_came_back_from_the_state_fair_and_saw_the/
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Why don't Catholic priests use Tinder?

Because they use Kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjubs9/why_dont_catholic_priests_use_tinder/
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Do trans girls float in water?

After all, they are boy’nt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bju9yi/do_trans_girls_float_in_water/
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Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bju2oe/vandals_have_attacked_the_national_origami_museum/
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A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.
He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."
There is dead silence in the bar and than a hand goes up in the back and a blond girl comes forward and says, "I'll give it a shot, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bju1nn/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_alligator_he_call/
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A lawyer dies and goes to hell...

The devil pulls up his file on his computer and sighs “You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you? Extortion, gambling, sex with prostitutes and  even murder!”
The lawyer hangs his head in shame and the devil pats him lightly on the shoulder.
“I’m a fair guy, what I’m going to do is let you pick your own punishment..”
The devil leads him through the fields of tortured souls into his manor and down a long darkened hallway. Before them was three large oak doors.
“Now!” Said the devil “You get to look at each torture behind the doors and decide which one you want to do, but be warned... whatever you pick you will have to endure for the next 100 years!”
The lawyer nods solemnly and walks towards the 1st door, pushing it open he sees a man being whipped by a horrendous demon over and over again. Shuddering he slams the door shut and walks to the second, behind that one is a man being hung over and over again, with each snap of the neck or strangulation he is restored and forced to endure the act again and again. The lawyer retches and walks to the third door. Swinging it open he sees a gorgeous blonde, big breasted, slim and stunning kissing a disheveled and dirty man deeply, it is passionate and intense, hands are everywhere and just watching causes the lawyer to grin lewdly.
Rubbing his hands together he turns to the devil and says “I want door number three!”
The devil looks shocked but agrees “Okay!”
Walking to the door the devil swings it open and leans in shouting: “Alright blondie! Times up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bju1ef/a_lawyer_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest

An investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjtxjo/what_do_you_call_a_crocodile_wearing_a_vest/
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I really hate being a comedian so I broke my legs

Guess who’s not doing stand up comedy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjttqj/i_really_hate_being_a_comedian_so_i_broke_my_legs/
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If you ever have a problem, ask any chemist.

They will always have a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjtt0l/if_you_ever_have_a_problem_ask_any_chemist/
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How does every racist joke start?

With a look over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjts4a/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
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A son asks his father: What do we call a person who speaks two languages?

Father: A Bilingual
Son: Then what if a person speaks three languages?
Father: A Trilingual
Son: And what of those who speak only one language?
Father: An American

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjtqgs/a_son_asks_his_father_what_do_we_call_a_person/
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I don't mean to brag, but my girlfriend has a body like a Greek statue..

completely pale, no arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjtn7f/i_dont_mean_to_brag_but_my_girlfriend_has_a_body/
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A plane is about to crash

And suddenly, a woman stands up and takes off all of her clothes and says:
-If I'm gonna die, I'd rather do it feeling as a woman. Is there any man here who can make me feel like one?
A man stands up and removes his shirt
-Here, iron this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjtmr4/a_plane_is_about_to_crash/
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What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?

Women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjtmm5/what_gets_easier_to_pick_up_as_it_gets_heavier/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjtmed/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend

That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjthmp/im_going_to_a_charity_event_for_female_amputees/
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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjtdye/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/
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A man and his clothing store

A long time ago there was a man who sold secondhand women's clothing at a small shop on the main road of a small town.
Now, this man, Theodore, had one joy in life: Arranging the mannequins in a way that made each garment look it's best, and placing them in the front window.
As he had gotten older, his wife finally convinced him to hire some help.
So, a young woman was hired, to do the day to day sales. However,  she was told NEVER to touch the mannequins.
Things were going great for a while until one day the old man arrived at the store, and lo and behold,  one of the mannequins was different. It had been bent over provocatively! With it's derriere facing the street!
After a terse discussion with the young lady as to why this was completely inappropriate, the mannequin was set back to the way the old man preferred.
That night Theodore couldn't sleep.  He needed to double check that the window display was the way he had left it.
So at two a.m he got into his beat up truck with his wife (who had woken up and wanted to make sure he didn't hurt himself.
As they arrived at the store, it was evident that his mannequin was in the right position. " Oh, see!" His wife said, "It wasn't reposed Ted!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjtdm2/a_man_and_his_clothing_store/
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What does a chocolate crow say?

“CACAO!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjtcbt/what_does_a_chocolate_crow_say/
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Why did the redneck cross the road?

He was still stuck in the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjtbwp/why_did_the_redneck_cross_the_road/
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Another blonde joke

A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. She marks the answer sheet 'true' for heads and 'false' for tails.
Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the next few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjt7ym/another_blonde_joke/
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I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

I can't wait to rub it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjt4pa/ive_been_prescribed_antigloating_cream/
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What’s the difference between a suicide vest and a feminist?

A suicide vest actually accomplishes something when its triggered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjt350/whats_the_difference_between_a_suicide_vest_and_a/
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My friend is a pornstar

I guess he’s hard at work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjt0be/my_friend_is_a_pornstar/
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As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak, and I could feel butterflies in my stomach, and I knew just right then and there...

I roofied the wrong drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjsuhy/as_i_gazed_into_her_eyes_my_knees_got_weak_and_i/
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Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjstdh/which_word_has_6_letters_starts_with_an_n_and/
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List

There are three things I hate most in this world.
1. Racism
2. Black people
3. Irony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjssbt/list/
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My girlfriend said that I treat her like a prostitute.

"Nonsense," I replied. "I'd never phone you while I'm on a night out with the lads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjsrkv/my_girlfriend_said_that_i_treat_her_like_a/
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A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is indeed only sugar, they thoroughly check the dealer and the buyer but find nothing, with no drugs there was nothing the cops could do so they left. The buyer, who is both angry and relieved, turns to the dealer and says "I'm glad I'm not going to jail, but wtf, you trying to screw me over?" the dealer says "I had to make sure we weren't being watched..." he looks at the salt shaker "relax, the real coke is in the condiments"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjsfd7/a_coke_dealer_is_waiting_for_a_customer_at_a_diner/
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Where do gay crocodiles live?

In denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjscj2/where_do_gay_crocodiles_live/
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What is it when men talk dirty to women ?

What is it when  men talk dirty to women ?
: Sexual Harrassment
What is it when  women talk dirty to men ?
: 3.99$ / minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjsbhl/what_is_it_when_men_talk_dirty_to_women/
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What do fish use in wars?

A fish tank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjsa7s/what_do_fish_use_in_wars/
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I was checking my testicles for lumps

When I heard a little voice say "the empire state building is 20 ft tall," it turns out they were talking bollocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjs7rt/i_was_checking_my_testicles_for_lumps/
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The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!  The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress
**MONDAY:**
Started my day at 6:00am.  Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me.  She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!!!!
Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.  She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.  Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.  I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
**TUESDAY:**
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door.  Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT!!  It's a whole new life for me.
**WEDNESDAY:**
The only way that I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both breasts.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.  Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.  My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other sh#t too.
**THURSDAY:**
Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells.  When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.  She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine.
**FRIDAY:**
I hate that b#tch Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader.  If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.  Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps - I don't have any triceps!  And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.  The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
**SATURDAY:**
Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my fist.  However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Shopping Channel.
**SUNDAY:**
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b#tch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjs6p4/the_gym_at_40_try_and_read_this_without_laughing/
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What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell?

A slug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjs64q/what_do_you_call_a_snail_in_a_shotgun_shell/
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A guy falls in love with a girl called Wendy

Few months later, he decides to propose to her. To make it unforgettable, he gets her name tattooed on his penis, so when it's flaccid it reads WY and when he gets a hard on, it says Wendy. He shows it to her and she's so impressed with his commitment and all, says Yes and they get married.
They go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. When they go to a local nude beach, the guy notices a black man there also with a WY on his penis. He asks, "Oh, so you have a wife called Wendy too?"
The black man smiles and says, "No mon! Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjrxvg/a_guy_falls_in_love_with_a_girl_called_wendy/
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Did you know that Al Gore founded an educational program that uses music to teach math?

It's called "Al Gore Rythms"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjrw0e/did_you_know_that_al_gore_founded_an_educational/
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A Stark, a Lannister and a Bolton walk into a bar

The bartender says, "What can I get you, Lady Sansa?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjrpmr/a_stark_a_lannister_and_a_bolton_walk_into_a_bar/
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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a nurse during sex

To satisfy my fetish of having a health insurance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjrnwn/i_asked_my_girlfriend_to_dress_up_as_a_nurse/
%
How many bread types do Indian people like?

naan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjrnsl/how_many_bread_types_do_indian_people_like/
%
Hedgehogs...

why don’t they just share the hedge?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjrns1/hedgehogs/
%
What do you call an old Egyptian?

A Giza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjrgo2/what_do_you_call_an_old_egyptian/
%
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where’s my tractor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjrbxu/what_did_the_farmer_say_when_he_lost_his_tractor/
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The pope was on his way to a ceremony with no-one in his limousine except for himself and his driver.

The pope checks his watch and says to the driver:
“Huh, we're gonna be a half hour early, you mind if I take the wheel and drive around for a while? I haven't driven since ever!"
The driver is a bit concerned but obeys the pope. So the pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac! Not having driven in a few years he was terrible at it. A few minutes pass with the pope behind the wheel  before they get pulled over by the police. The police officer walks up to the popes limousine and instantly calls his chief after identifying who the driver was. Their conversation went as follows:
Officer: " Sir I have just pulled over someone extremely important!
Chief: "Really? How important? Like a celebrity?
Office: " More important than that sir."
Chief: "A politician??"
Officer: "Even more important sir!"
Chief: "Then quit the chit chat and tell me who he is!"
Officer: "Well to be honest with you chief, I don't know who he is either, but his driver is the pope!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjrale/the_pope_was_on_his_way_to_a_ceremony_with_noone/
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What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?

Where were you on the night of September to March?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjradp/what_did_the_detective_in_the_arctic_say_to_the/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjr9jz/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
I’m so sick of Tesla jokes

They’re revolting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjr7tm/im_so_sick_of_tesla_jokes/
%
What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A roamin' Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjr7fu/what_do_you_call_a_sleep_walking_nun/
%
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?

Boo Bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjr6q4/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk_instead_of_honey/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

Because it has a silent pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjr68g/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_in_the_bathroom/
%
A young teacher is talking to her class of third-graders

She explains to them that she is a born-again Christian.
She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too.
Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air.
There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand.
So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
The girl says, "Because I'm not a Christian."
The teacher asks, "So what are you then?"
The girl replies, "I'm an atheist."
The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she's an atheist.
The girl says, "It's just that my family isn't religious. My Mom's atheist, and my Dad's atheist, so I'm atheist."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason." she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
"Then," says the girl, "I'd be a born-again Christian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjr5c7/a_young_teacher_is_talking_to_her_class_of/
%
An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.
All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to stakes, all the while shouting in their own language.
Eventually, a wizened, bent, ancient old white man comes out of one of the little mud huts. He approaches the trio and explains that a very long time ago, he was taken hostage by the tribe, but allowed to live as the sole survivor from a group of explorers. He learned their language and served as a translator for any white men foolish enough to cross them.
He explained that unfortunately, the men had accidentally walked over what the natives considered sacred ground; this was punishable by death. The method of death, was to be skinned alive and turned into a canoe.
However, the old man says, the tribe are a kind and generous people, who will give the condemned one final wish, that they are honour bound to fulfil.
The Englishman, ever brave, elects to die first. He asks that his final wish, as a red-blooded man, is to have one final night of wild passion with the most beautiful woman in the village.
The old man translates and the chief of the tribe goes away, and comes back with a very big, very ugly, very hairy woman. Clearly they had different standards of beauty. But, nonetheless, the Englishman is happy to go off with her and have one final night of passion. In the morning, he is skinned alive and turned into a canoe.
The Scotsman decides to go next. His wish is to get so blindly drunk he won’t even know that he’s being skinned. So the chief gives him a small cup of firewater. The strongest on the planet. The Scotsman drinks it and is immediately horrendously drunk. He stumbles about the village, singing, dancing, and generally causing mischief until morning comes, when he is skinned alive and turned into a canoe.
And finally, it’s the Irishman’s turn. When asked what his final wish is, he asks for a fork. The old man is confused, and asks again. The Irishman insists he just wants a plain old metal fork. So the old man translates and the chief brings him a fork. The Irishman is untied, and he stands in front of them for a moment, before wildly stabbing himself all over his body, screaming;
“YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TURN ME INTO A FUCKING CANOE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjr4js/an_englishman_scotsman_and_irishman/
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God’s power has changed over the centuries

He used to create universes and flood the entire Earth - now he can only manage to appear on toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjr4d8/gods_power_has_changed_over_the_centuries/
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A storm-tossed ship was about to go under

The captain shouted to the crew, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."
"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjr36d/a_stormtossed_ship_was_about_to_go_under/
%
I once heard about a pimp that offered discounts on fat chicks.

You know what they say, it's always cheaper to buy in bulk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjr0qi/i_once_heard_about_a_pimp_that_offered_discounts/
%
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjqyuu/at_the_olympics_i_saw_an_athletic_guy_carrying_a/
%
Where do pirates get their coffee?

StaRRRRbucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjqyjm/where_do_pirates_get_their_coffee/
%
What's the sign on the door of an out of business whore house say?

Beat it, we're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjqxxv/whats_the_sign_on_the_door_of_an_out_of_business/
%
What do you call 4 dinosaurs having sex?

A roar-some (I suck at jokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjqw2a/what_do_you_call_4_dinosaurs_having_sex/
%
My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.
Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, nothing has really caught my eye quite yet.
SK: Well we have all kinds of wonderful products but to me, it looks like you are a man of sophistication and great taste, and I think I have a new product that could be perfect for you sent here personally by Mr. Wonka just today.
Man: Mr. Wonka you say, you have my attention.
SK: He noticed that laffy taffy was only bringing joy to the younger customers so he developed a mint with a nice calming flavour and while it's dissolving in your mouth it tells you a joke.
Man: That actually sounds pretty nice, I haven't heard a decent joke in a while.
SK: Why don't I let you try a few to see what you think.
The man puts one in his mouth and starts to smile and by the end of the mint he is letting out a decent laugh.
Man: That wasn't half bad, may I try another?
SK: Be my guest.
As the second dissolves in the man's mouth he is almost in tears from laughing, and he can barely catch his breath.
Man: WOW these are fantastic, Mr. Wonka outdid himself with these, laffy taffy definitely could never compare in flavour or quality of jokes. I don't know how but I bet the best jokes are always in the calm mints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjqutm/my_first_attempt_at_writing_a_joke_please_take_it/
%
Why do Native Americans hate April?

April showers bring may flowers. And may flowers bring white people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjqs8d/why_do_native_americans_hate_april/
%
George Bush meets with the Queen of England during his first diplomatic trip to England.

Impressed by the way her government functions, he asks her during their meal : “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Bush frowns. “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen takes a sip of tea. “Oh, well that’s easy. You just ask them to answer a riddle.“ The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”
Tony Blair promptly walks into the room. “Yes, my Queen?”
The Queen smiles. “Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” says the Queen.
Very impressed by this performance, Bush flies home excited to try it out on his people. As soon as the plane touches down, he calls Dick Cheney, his vice president, and asks him the same question : “Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure” says Cheney, perplexed. “let me get back to you on that one.”
Cheney goes to his advisors and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men’s room and recognizes Colin Powell’s shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts “Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Colin Powell yells back, “That’s easy. It’s me!”
Cheney smiles, and says, “Thanks!” Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle : it’s Colin Powell.”
Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, “No, you damn idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjqrsp/george_bush_meets_with_the_queen_of_england/
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjqmey/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_joke_with_a/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjqc6w/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your front porch?

Matt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjq8fy/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
At church I told a joke about Jesus on the cross.

Nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjq71m/at_church_i_told_a_joke_about_jesus_on_the_cross/
%
A new Navy recruit goes on his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts. Hell, even this is a repost”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjq4tv/a_new_navy_recruit_goes_on_his_first_day_on_a/
%
Three blondes are trying to enter a police academy.

In order to do so, they have to pass an entrance exam.
The examiner takes the first blonde into a secure room and shows her a picture for ten seconds, and then asks: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”
“Easy,” the first blonde responds. “He only has one eye!”
“You idiot!” yells the examiner. “Of course he has two eyes! It’s a side profile picture. You’re too stupid to be an officer. Get out of here!”
Shaking his head, the examiner takes the second blonde into the secure room and shows her the picture, asking: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”
“Oh, I know!” the second blonde says. “He only has one ear!”
“You moron!” cries the examiner. “Of course he has two ears! It’s a side profile picture. You’re as dumb as the last person I tested. Get out of here!”
Frustrated, the examiner takes the third blonde into the room. “I really hope you’re smarter than the last two,” he grumbles and shows her the picture, asking: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”
The third blonde furrows her brow in thought. After a few minutes, she says: “I have it! He wears contact lenses!”
The examiner is bewildered, but leaves the room to go check. He finds out that the person in the picture does indeed wear contacts.
“That’s amazing!” he says to the third blonde. “I’ve never met someone as brilliant as you. Welcome to the team! Out of curiosity, how could you tell the man in the picture had on contacts?”
“Well he couldn’t wear REGULAR glasses,” the third blonde replies. “He only has one ear and one eye!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjq1jw/three_blondes_are_trying_to_enter_a_police_academy/
%
Three men went out hunting one day

The first guy brought back a big buck. "How did you get that?" the others asked. "I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and 'boom' I shot a buck." Then the second guy brought back an elephant. "How did you get that?" the others asked. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and 'boom' I shot an elephant." Then the third guy came back all beat up. "What happened?" they all asked. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and 'boom' I got hit by a train.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjq1cs/three_men_went_out_hunting_one_day/
%
Where do fashionable ghosts shop?

Bootiques.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjpt2c/where_do_fashionable_ghosts_shop/
%
Being a magician is a lot like being a failed pornstar.

It's all about missederection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjps2s/being_a_magician_is_a_lot_like_being_a_failed/
%
A blonde is driving her car...

when she sees another blonde trying to row a boat in a corn field.
Angrily, she pulls over and jumps out of the car and yells,  "It's people like you that give blondes a bad name.  If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjpnew/a_blonde_is_driving_her_car/
%
I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey.

Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjpjwy/i_accidentally_walked_into_my_daughters_room_and/
%
Gay sex jokes really aren't funny.

I mean, cum on guys...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjpggw/gay_sex_jokes_really_arent_funny/
%
My therapist says im addicted to masturbation...

I vowed to beat it single handedly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjpfdb/my_therapist_says_im_addicted_to_masturbation/
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A girl is looking in the mirror feeling very self-conscious about her body. She tells her boyfriend laying on the bed that she feels fat and if he could give her a compliment to feel better.

The boyfriend says “Your eyesight is perfect.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjpdwk/a_girl_is_looking_in_the_mirror_feeling_very/
%
One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjpdfb/one_day_ill_pretend_to_be_gay_ill_make_lots_of/
%
My friend keeps saying cheer up it could be worse you could be in a hole in the ground full of water

I know he means well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjpb6o/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_it_could_be_worse/
%
A teacher said to her class, "Let's review some American history..."

"...Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he answered.
"Very good!  Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'" Again, no response except from Little Akio:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult.  Who said: 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said:
"John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves.  Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."
"Who said that?  I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."  The teacher glared around and asked, "All right!  Now, who said that?"  Again, Little Akio says:
"George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister Miyazawa, 1992."
Now furious, the same student yelled, "Suck this!"  Little Akio jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher:
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Damn, we're screwed."
Little Akio said quietly, "Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected, 2016."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjp8ws/a_teacher_said_to_her_class_lets_review_some/
%
A Mexican sailor . . .

. . . . . is a sea señor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjp7i2/a_mexican_sailor/
%
I changed my career as an English teacher to beekeeping

Got sick and tired of explaning the difference between am is are was were etc. But man, there's still too many bees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjp5x0/i_changed_my_career_as_an_english_teacher_to/
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I like my water like I like my emotions.

Bottled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjp33z/i_like_my_water_like_i_like_my_emotions/
%
What starts with D and ends with ed?

\[deleted\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjp2if/what_starts_with_d_and_ends_with_ed/
%
Sunday School

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?"
Adam was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.
Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!"
The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?"
Adam poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Adam poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again Adam, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjou2z/sunday_school/
%
An office manager had money problems and had to fire one of two employees, either Jack or Jill.

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing.
As it turned 6 pm, Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjotgr/an_office_manager_had_money_problems_and_had_to/
%
I hate my job smashing old soda cans

It’s soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjos1y/i_hate_my_job_smashing_old_soda_cans/
%
A buss full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I wish to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened.
The second person also said “I wish to be gorgeous.” and God snapped his fingers again and it happened. This went on and on throughout the group.
God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.
When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjorce/a_buss_full_of_ugly_people_had_a_head_on/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

... the first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours them 2 beers and says "you guys should know your limit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjopnd/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
A man is at the dentist for a root canal.

The dentist, picking up a syringe, moved toward the patient.
“WHOAAA! What’s that for?” Asked the patient
“Well, this injection will numb the area around your tooth and keep you from feeling pain during the procedure” explained the dentist.
“No way!  I am deathly afraid of needles.  Get that thing away from me!”
“Fair enough.” Said the dentist.  “We can use nitrous oxide instead” he said as he picked up the mask and approached the patient.
“Waitaminit!”  Yelled the patient.  “I have terrible claustrophobia.  If you put that mask over my face, I’m gonna lose it!”
The Dentist paused for a moment, thinking, and then reached into his pocket and handed the patient a small blue pill.  “Ok, just swallow this then.”
“That’s much better!” said the patient as he swallowed the pill.  “What was that?” He asked.
“That’s Viagra” said the Dentist.
“Viagra?!  I had no idea that Viagra had anesthetic properties.” said the patient.
“Oh, it doesn’t.” said the Dentist,  “but it will give you something to hold on tight to while I work on this tooth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjomw8/a_man_is_at_the_dentist_for_a_root_canal/
%
What is relative velocity?

The velocity with which you run away from your relatives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjokvn/what_is_relative_velocity/
%
In honor of the Notre Dame fire, here is the only Notre Dame joke I know...

Notre Dame is looking for a new bell ringer, so they put out a help wanted ad in the local paper.
After a few days a man with no arms shows up and inquires about the job.
At first the priest tries to let him down politely when the man insists that they bring him up to the tower so he can prove that he can do the job.
Curious, the priest agrees and they ascend the stairs to the tower.  Once in the belfry the man stands in front of the bell, takes 10 paces back, and runs face first into the bell.
BOOOOONG!
With the bell in full sway, he takes a few paces back, judges the timing, and runs face first into the bell again.
BOOOOONG!
He steps back for one more run but messes up the timing and completely misses the bell causing him to fall down the shaft to his death.
Later, as the police are talking to the priest, they want to gather information about the now deceased candidate.
They ask the priest if he knew the guy's name and the priest replies...
"I didn't get his name, but his face rings a bell".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjof6v/in_honor_of_the_notre_dame_fire_here_is_the_only/
%
Why was the detective with a lisp called hanger?

He always clothsed the case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjoder/why_was_the_detective_with_a_lisp_called_hanger/
%
After a rather careless plane crash where everyone was killed, the two pilots responsible were escorted to Satan to choose their eternal damnation.

Satan told the pilots they could choose either door number 1 or door number 2 for their sin of killing innocent people.
"Take your time," he said, "you've got forever to suffer it."
So the pilots look behind door number 1 and it's a freezing cold, blizzard of a hell. They look at each other and agreed, "No way am I going there, anything else has to be better."
So they look behind door number 2 and damn if it's not a stinking, hotter than crap, hell hole, just like the preacher claimed.
"We're in trouble now," they thought, until the second pilot notices a door with a number 3 on it.
"Hey, Satan forgot to tell us about that one, let's check it out."
So they dash over to door number 3 and see a long line of pilots getting blowjobs from the best looking stewardesses they had ever seen.
Well they run back to Satan with their choice and proclaim, "We want door number 3!"
Then Satan turns and tells them, "You can't go there...that's stewardess's hell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjobbl/after_a_rather_careless_plane_crash_where/
%
What is a computer's least favorite food?

Spam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjo8f4/what_is_a_computers_least_favorite_food/
%
So I brought a P30 to school, and kids made fun of me for it not being an Apple product

I told my mom and she said "Its ok son, we will upgrade you to a P80 so you do not get made fun off"
I then P80 to school, yet they still made fun of me for it not being an Apple product.
But they won't make fun of me when I bring my P90...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjo4uq/so_i_brought_a_p30_to_school_and_kids_made_fun_of/
%
So .. A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention

so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjo3za/so_a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class_and_she_sees/
%
When it comes to the DCU, Mr. Freeze truely was the superhero.

I mean, justice can't be spelt without "Just ice".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjny3x/when_it_comes_to_the_dcu_mr_freeze_truely_was_the/
%
I enjoy watching my wedding video backwards

My favorite part is when I take off the wedding ring and go back home moonwalking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjny10/i_enjoy_watching_my_wedding_video_backwards/
%
The Flat Earther's greatest fear

is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjnwkl/the_flat_earthers_greatest_fear/
%
I have said this before and I will say this again:

This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjnsz8/i_have_said_this_before_and_i_will_say_this_again/
%
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjnsym/what_is_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
%
Everyone said to Vincent Van Gogh " You can't be a great painter, you've only got one ear" And you know what he said? "

“You’ll have to speak up, I’ve only got one ear”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjnsj1/everyone_said_to_vincent_van_gogh_you_cant_be_a/
%
What do you call an Over powered Janitorial Storm Trooper at the Death Star?

A Super Duper Pooper Trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjnrvu/what_do_you_call_an_over_powered_janitorial_storm/
%
I've been dating red riding hoods gran

Shes an animal in bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjnnm7/ive_been_dating_red_riding_hoods_gran/
%
What do you call a row of nazis?

A punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjnlf0/what_do_you_call_a_row_of_nazis/
%
I got a job as the senior administrator of the old McDonald farm

I’m the CIEIO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjnidc/i_got_a_job_as_the_senior_administrator_of_the/
%
I was talking with my friend and he asked my how big my dick is

I told him "3 inches, but that's ok. Some girls like it that wide."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjnfhj/i_was_talking_with_my_friend_and_he_asked_my_how/
%
An indian (native American) drank 50 cups of tea.

Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjnem8/an_indian_native_american_drank_50_cups_of_tea/
%
Last night my girlfriend and I watched 3 DVDs back to back.

Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjndzp/last_night_my_girlfriend_and_i_watched_3_dvds/
%
Why do seagulls live by the sea

Because if they lived by the bay they would be bagels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjnc0j/why_do_seagulls_live_by_the_sea/
%
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb

A Brazilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjn91w/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Yesterday I saw a man spill his scrabble letters on the road

I asked him  “what’s the word on the street ?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjn7pk/yesterday_i_saw_a_man_spill_his_scrabble_letters/
%
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjn5jv/there_was_a_cop_on_his_horse_waiting_to_cross_the/
%
In the future when you are my wife and I die, I want you to mix my ashes in a bowel of chili curry and eat it...

...just so I can tear up that ass one last time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjn2ex/in_the_future_when_you_are_my_wife_and_i_die_i/
%
A blonde called her boyfriend and said,

“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “ According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then.......” he sighed, ..... “Let’s put all of these Frosted Flakes back into the box.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjmzsv/a_blonde_called_her_boyfriend_and_said/
%
Alcohol removes pimples and warts.

Not from me.  From the people I look at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjmwjh/alcohol_removes_pimples_and_warts/
%
Why did the man refuse to eat Egyptian cuisine?

It made his stomach falafel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjmm9o/why_did_the_man_refuse_to_eat_egyptian_cuisine/
%
So I live next door to a man with Alzheimer's...

Every morning at exactly 8am he knocks on my door and asks if I know where his wife is. Every morning I get to tell him that his wife has been dead for years.
Every morning this happens like clockwork.
I thought about moving. I thought about not answering my door. I thought about calling his family to see if it's time for him to have around-the-clock care.
I decided not to do any of these things because every morning when I tell him his wife is dead...
He has the biggest smile I've ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjmiqo/so_i_live_next_door_to_a_man_with_alzheimers/
%
What’s the difference between a flat-earther and an anti-vaxxer?

Their google searches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjmhma/whats_the_difference_between_a_flatearther_and_an/
%
I once farted in an elevator...

It was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjmgvx/i_once_farted_in_an_elevator/
%
Somebody stole my identity....

... it's fine though. They took one look and gave it right back. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjmfky/somebody_stole_my_identity/
%
What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometery Cyrus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjm9st/what_do_they_call_miley_cyrus_in_europe/
%
A photon checks-in to a hotel...

The receptionist asks him if he needs help with any baggage.
"No thanks, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjm1i5/a_photon_checksin_to_a_hotel/
%
Jim was out drinking at the bar, when all of a sudden he pukes all over his shirt. "Dammit!" Jim yells "My wife is going to kill me when she finds out I was drinking and puked all over my self!"

"I have an idea" the man sitting next to him said "Here." and hands Jim a $50 bill.
"What's this for?" Jim asked.
"When you get home tonight, just tell your wife I threw up on you as you passed me on the street and I gave you the money for cleaning.".
"Great idea" Jim replies and continues drinking.
Several hours later, Jim returns home.
"YOU'VE BEEN OUT DRINKING AND PUKED ALL OVER YOURSELF!!!" Jim's wife yells. Jim reaches into his wallet and hands her the $50 bill and proceeds to recount the story he was told.
Jim then reaches into his wallet and pulls out another $50 bill.
"What's this for then?" asked Jim's wife.
Jim replies "He also shit in my pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjlz3n/jim_was_out_drinking_at_the_bar_when_all_of_a/
%
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.

His wife is livid. “You swore that you would be home by 11:45!”
"No," slurs the mathematician... “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjlxo1/a_mathematician_stumbles_home_drunk_at_3_am/
%
If Jesus had his second coming, I doubt he’d let anyone crucify him.

Nobody double-crosses Jesus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjlvjj/if_jesus_had_his_second_coming_i_doubt_hed_let/
%
"If you get pregnant, I won't stick around"

Me:  If you get pregnant, I won't stick around
Gf:  Honey, that joke's not funny anymore, you had your vasectomy like 5yrs ago
Me:  I mean it, mark my words!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjlu97/if_you_get_pregnant_i_wont_stick_around/
%
I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjlsfz/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
%
A Native American boy and his cheif are sitting in a teepee together.

The boy asks the chief, "How did my mother get her name?"
The chief replies, "Well, that is a good question. Women give birth in this very teepee, and I name them what I see outside the teepee at the moment of birth. Your mother, RunningDeer, was named because when I looked outside, I saw a deer running by."
"So that's why my father is named GreatElk, because you saw a great elk outside when he was birthed?" Asked the boy.
"Yes." Replied the chief, "But I am curious, why do you ask, TwoDogsFucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjlqjo/a_native_american_boy_and_his_cheif_are_sitting/
%
What’s Ukraine’s biggest import?

The Russian military.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjlo9w/whats_ukraines_biggest_import/
%
One of the best jokes in the world?

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for 5 years. He is all by himself.  His only source of pleasure is masturbation...but after 5 years, he has thought of every single fantasy 100s of times, and is therefore no longer able to get a hard on.
Depressed beyond belief, he sits alone and begins to contemplate suicide.  Finally getting the nerve, he walks to a cliff, about to jump off.  Suddenly, he looks out at the ocean and exclaims aloud: "Hey...HEY!  I see a ship...there's a ship out there!!!  I can't believe it!  He waves his arms frantically, hoping to catch their attention.  "Wait...they're waving back...they're lowering a boat - THEY SEE ME!  I'm saved, I'm saved!"
"The first thing I'm going to do when I get back to civilization is order me a fine wine and steak dinner.  I'm going to invite a beautiful blonde, and she'll have big tits and pouty red lips.  After the steak, I'm going to take her to a room, and spend hours ravaging her!"
Just then he grabs his own erection and begins to jerk off, and says "Gotcha!  There ain't no ship out there...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjlmhh/one_of_the_best_jokes_in_the_world/
%
The American President, the Russian President and the Chinese President are all riding in a chopper.

Suddenly, the American President, overcome with pride for his country, takes out a stack of bills from his pocket, and throws it out of the chopper, yelling, "My country has a lot of money!"
Seeing this, the Russian President takes out a bottle of vodka and throws it out, shouting, "My country has a lot of alcohol!"
The Chinese President, after thinking, takes both American and Russian Presidents, and throws them out of the chopper, yelling, "My country has a lot of people!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjllvr/the_american_president_the_russian_president_and/
%
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald Farm

I’m the CIEIO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjlh65/just_got_the_job_as_the_senior_director_of_the/
%
A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.
"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."
"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the battery." argued the electrician.
The programmer sighed and said, "Guys, calm down. I think we should just close all the windows, turn off the car and turn it on again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjlghf/a_chemist_a_mechanic_a_electrician_and_a/
%
Headache Cure

A man goes to the doctor because he has been having severe headaches. The doctor tries everything he can medically try for the man but nothing is working. The man goes back to the doctor and the doctor tells him that when he has a headache he goes home and puts his head between his wife's breasts and after 45 minutes his headache is gone. The man says he will try that. He comes back to the doctor two weeks later and excitedly tells the doctor that his suggestion worked and he no longer has headaches. The doctor says that great and that he is glad he could help. As the man is leaving he stops and says " Oh and by the way you have a very nice house".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjlfxo/headache_cure/
%
A young man wants a job at his local farm

"Why do you want to work here?" Asks the farmer.  "I understand the language of your animals." In disbelieve the farmer takes him to the cow. "Muuuh" "So, what did she say?" "You should cut your nails, it hurts when you milk her." The farmer looks at his nails. "You may be right, but thats pure coincidence." They go to the horse. "What does it say?" "Theres a nail missing in his horseshoe." Again the farmer investigates and notices the missing nail. "Ok, I believe you. Lets go back to the farm." Back on the farm stands a little sheep, really dirty and long wool. It bleats. The farmer runs to the sheep and shouts "shut up, its been two years and I was drunk as fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjld7a/a_young_man_wants_a_job_at_his_local_farm/
%
A couple from a conservative town are getting hot and heavy...

...and the guy asks the girl for a blowjob. The girl was lost, but not wanting to seem sexually inexperienced, decides to go for it. She lets him guide her head towards his crotch, at which point he stops, waiting for her. She's thinking hard and fast now, and in a moment of inspiration, begins to furiously blow air onto his dick. Not wanting to offend her, the guy tries to get into it, but can't keep it up. She looks up at him and asks,
"Am I blowing you good?"
"No, " he replied,
"You suck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjla4j/a_couple_from_a_conservative_town_are_getting_hot/
%
I've been invited to a fancy dress party at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house. The theme is classical composers.

I'll be Bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjl4md/ive_been_invited_to_a_fancy_dress_party_at_arnold/
%
What do you call a couple of alligators with problems in the bedroom?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjl4hq/what_do_you_call_a_couple_of_alligators_with/
%
Tiger tank

WW2 is raging and 3 Jews are walking along a road and they see a German tiger tank in the middle of the road.
One of them says " Let's push this tank to our village and sell it for scrap metal"
So they start to push the tank along the road and after 30 minutes one of them falls to the ground dead.
The other two look at each other and think that now they can split the profits.
They continue to push the tank and after another 30 minutes the other one falls dead on the ground.
So the last one thinks that this is good because now I can have all the money to myself and he continues to push the tank.
After awhile he too falls dead on the ground.
5 minutes goes by and then the top hatch opens and a German sticks his head out and looks around.
A voice from inside the tank asks " What is the matter Hans?"
Hans replies " I think we have run out of Jews".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjl2oe/tiger_tank/
%
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your pool?

Bob.
In a pile of leaves?
Russell.
In a hole?
Doug.
On a wall?
Art.
At your front door?
Matt.
Two armless legless men in front of your window?
Kurt and Rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjl050/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_or_legs_in/
%
My wife insisted on a threesome with that Terminator actor

I didn’t want to risk trouble so as soon as he turned up I said “I’ll be front”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjky9c/my_wife_insisted_on_a_threesome_with_that/
%
Health Insurance

That's it. That is the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjkv9a/health_insurance/
%
A priest, a monk and a rabbi walk into a bar.

Ow!
Ow!
Oy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjkjl2/a_priest_a_monk_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_bar/
%
The Jungle

A teacher asks a student : Billy, if you were being chased by a lion in the jungle what would you do ?
Billy : I would confuse him.
Teacher : How ?
Billy : I'd turn the right blinkers on my truck but i'd turn left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjki7r/the_jungle/
%
An amputee woman was having a drink in a bar...

...when a man comes up and asks about her missing leg.
"Oh, it's really quite an amazing story," she said. "I used to love surfing! I rode waves all day and all night, rain or shine. One morning, after just an hour or so of surfing, a great white shark came and knocked me right off the board!"
The man, enthralled by her tale, leans in further.
The woman continued, "he had my leg in his mouth before I even knew what happened. By pure instinct, I started swatting at his eyes as well as I could while underwater. Then, as quickly as it attacked, it swam right away."
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "So how did you survive?"
"I was rescued by a fellow surfer, a man I would later fall in love with. Unfortunately," she continued, with tears welling in her eyes, "he left me just yesterday."
"What? Why?"
"Well, it was all because I tried to tell him vaccines cause autism!"
"Oh, my," said the man. "Antivaxx, huh?" He looked down at her one leg. "Well, at least you aren't a *complete* idiot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjkhz2/an_amputee_woman_was_having_a_drink_in_a_bar/
%
I was feeling a little down, so I told my dad, “Dad, I feel worthless.”

Dad: Don’t forget that you have thousands of dollars of student debt. So technically you’re less than worthless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjkcs8/i_was_feeling_a_little_down_so_i_told_my_dad_dad/
%
What’s the difference between an Islamic wedding and an ISIS training ground?

I don’t know, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjkao9/whats_the_difference_between_an_islamic_wedding/
%
An old survivor of the Auschwitz death camp dies and goes to heaven. Passing through the Pearly Gates he tells god a holocaust joke to which god replies, "I don't find that funny."

The old survivor says, "Well...I guess you had to be there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjk7cz/an_old_survivor_of_the_auschwitz_death_camp_dies/
%
A man walks into a therapist's office.

"What seems to be the problem sir?" says the therapist
The man says, "I am very afraid of random letters."
Therapist: "Oh, you are?"
The man starts screaming and panicking.
Therapist: "Oh I see."
The man's screams intensify.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjk5qa/a_man_walks_into_a_therapists_office/
%
It's funny how no one complains when I try to remember something?

But the second I try to DISmember something, everyone calls the cops...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjk3o4/its_funny_how_no_one_complains_when_i_try_to/
%
What do you get when you cross a shrubbery with a pig?

A hedgehog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjjyrs/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_shrubbery_with_a/
%
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjjt42/my_girlfriend_wants_to_open_a_yoga_studio_even/
%
If I had a dollar for every woman who thought I was ugly...

Eventually they wouldn't think I'm ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjjso6/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_woman_who_thought_i/
%
Escalators can never break...

They can only become stairs.
-MH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjjs2h/escalators_can_never_break/
%
What’s small than a teeny weeny fly?

A fly’s teeny weeny!!
My mom told me this joke when I was about 6 and it still makes me smile every time I think of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjjoic/whats_small_than_a_teeny_weeny_fly/
%
My alcoholic girlfriend got pregnant recently and it was really tough to find a 12 step plan for her

But then i remembered my mom's house has a pretty big staircase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjjnxq/my_alcoholic_girlfriend_got_pregnant_recently_and/
%
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”
“Good. What comes after three?”
“Four,” answered the boy.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven.”
“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”
“Jack.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjjj81/the_teacher_asked_little_johnny_if_he_knew_his/
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Trans women can float

Because they’re boy’nt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjjhqj/trans_women_can_float/
%
A German man jumped in a freezing lake to save my dog...

He said “keep him out of ze cold and wrap him in a warm towel”
I said are you a vet?
He said “vet? I’m fucking soaking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjjgft/a_german_man_jumped_in_a_freezing_lake_to_save_my/
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A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3:am

His wife was livid and shouted at him "you said you'd be home by 11:45!"
"no" says the mathematician drunkily "I said I'd be home by quarter of 12"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjjc9o/a_mathematician_stumbles_home_drunk_at_3am/
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Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.
A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
"Panda: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjiz3z/please_post_any_animal_jokes_here_i_am_collecting/
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Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjix98/why_are_redneck_murders_so_hard_to_solve/
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How many Jesuses does it take to fix a lightbulb?

None. He is the light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjiwm7/how_many_jesuses_does_it_take_to_fix_a_lightbulb/
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How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't want you to know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjiwdr/how_many_conspiracy_theorists_does_it_take_to/
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Wife: I want you to score a goal in me

Husband: Blow the whistle and the game will start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjise6/wife_i_want_you_to_score_a_goal_in_me/
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A married couple is having some issues in their relationship and decide to see a marriage councilor. They sit down on the couch and the councilor says, "I'd like to start this session off by focusing on the positive things in your relationship. Tell me, what do you have in common?"

The husband quickly replies, "Neither one of us sucks dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjirm0/a_married_couple_is_having_some_issues_in_their/
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Due to intense training I've mastered Ninjitsu, Judo and...

two other Japanese words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjiqgd/due_to_intense_training_ive_mastered_ninjitsu/
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Catherine the Great may have died having sex with a horse...

...but at least she was in a stable relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjiltf/catherine_the_great_may_have_died_having_sex_with/
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A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator.

On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjij49/a_haggard_old_lady_rides_in_a_fancy_hotels/
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, laying in front of a door?

Matt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjiikb/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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3 men were captured by an African tribe while on a safari

The tribesmen took them back to their village and said,
"If you can find 10 of the same fruit and bring them back here, we will bring you back to civilization."
The three men take off. The first one comes back with apples, and the tribesmen say to him,
"Fit all 10 of those fruits up your ass without making a sound, and you'll be free."
The man got to his second apple before crying out in pain, and so he was killed.
The second man came back with grapes and was told the same thing. He got to his 9th grape when he suddenly burst out laughing, and so he was killed.
Up in heaven, the first man asked the second,
"Why did you laugh? You almost had it."
The second man replied,
"I saw the other guy coming back with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjihqi/3_men_were_captured_by_an_african_tribe_while_on/
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A man was walking when suddenly someone in a car passes by and yells at him "cuckold"

The man was confused but he didn't get it too much thought and continued his way to work.
The next day the same person passes by and yells "cuckold"
The man simply thought that was just a random jerk and continued his way to work.
The next day the same person passes by and again yells at him "cuckold"
The man was confused and pissed off so he went home and asked his wife if she ever had cheated on him. His wife replied "Of course not, you are the love of my live and I wouldn't even think of doing such a thing"
The man believed her and went to sleep. The next day he was making his way to work when the same guy in the same car passes by and yells "cuckold and snitch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bji8r2/a_man_was_walking_when_suddenly_someone_in_a_car/
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer...

... don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bji7vy/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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What did the Buddhist Monk say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bji4gm/what_did_the_buddhist_monk_say_to_the_hot_dog/
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What's ET short for?

Cus he's only got little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bji4g4/whats_et_short_for/
%
What has nine arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bji2xn/what_has_nine_arms_and_sucks/
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Which company NEVER loses at blackjack?

Forever 21.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bji2gs/which_company_never_loses_at_blackjack/
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What do you call a dinner with someone you met in tumblr?

FedEx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bji1lb/what_do_you_call_a_dinner_with_someone_you_met_in/
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I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjhyl5/i_being_an_irish_catholic_decided_it_was_time_to/
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What was the last thing Helen Keller said before she died?

Nothing, she was wearing mittens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjhyhv/what_was_the_last_thing_helen_keller_said_before/
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What's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjhxs9/whats_the_wifi_password/
%
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."
The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."
The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie.
"Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor.
"What the hell are you doing?" the man asks.
"Trust me," says the doctor.
The man, a little distressed, does as he's asked.
The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well.
"Come back in a week with another banana and cookie."
The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm.
The next week he returns with another banana and cookie.
"Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor.
After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, "OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer."
The man comes back with the requested items.
"Drop your pants and bend over the table."
Trembling, knowing what's coming, the man does as he's asked.
The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits... and waits... and waits...
Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, "Where's my cookie?"
And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjhvtl/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_ive_got_a/
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I rang Sea World this morning ...

They said my call was being recorded for training Porpoises

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjhtx2/i_rang_sea_world_this_morning/
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A Buddhist Monk Goes to a Church

He walks up to the door of the church and nails an advertisement to the door.
The next day the Buddhist monk walks back to the church, only to find that his advertisement has been removed. He takes out another advertisement out of his bag, and promptly affixes it to the door with a nail.
The Buddhist monk comes back to the same church the following day and finding his advertisement taken down, nails another advertisement to the door.
This continues on for weeks, until one day the local pastor sees the Buddhist monk nailing his advertisement to the door. The pastor approaches the monk and asks, "Why do you keep posting those advertisements on our church door, even though you know that we keep taking them down?".
The Buddhist monk smiles at the pastor and says "Re-posting is the fastest way to earn Karma"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjhov5/a_buddhist_monk_goes_to_a_church/
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Joe Rogan Jokes

I adore what Joe Rogan has done for the DMT community and long-form interviews on his awesome podcast.
But when he uses his not-insignificant talents to do retread homosexual jokes and stolen sound effects (RIP Sam Kinison) for a mostly male heterosexual audience, one cannot help but wonder just exactly what is Joe Rogan thinking????

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjhoig/joe_rogan_jokes/
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How do geologists get their rocks off?

By breaking them and staring at the resulting cleavage!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjhmyx/how_do_geologists_get_their_rocks_off/
%
Do I have to draw you a picture?

Son:  "Dad, a kid got in trouble at school today for saying "bitch" and "pussy", what does that mean?"
Dad:   Grabs an old muffler shop calendar and a marker.  "Look here Junior." Dad uses the marker and circles the genitalia of the nude Miss December,  then points.  "That right there, that is one fine pussy."
Son:  Not sure exactly why, begins to feel excited and wants more.  "Wow, ok, then 'bitch'?"
Dad:  "That's everything outside the circle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjhk1q/do_i_have_to_draw_you_a_picture/
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[Spoilers] Captain America could always

Lift mjolnir, he just didn’t want to steal Thor’s thunder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjhfqk/spoilers_captain_america_could_always/
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A blonde singer on our cruise ship seemed to be skipping one note in every song.

She told us she was scared of getting lost at C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjhdgk/a_blonde_singer_on_our_cruise_ship_seemed_to_be/
%
My gf always wanted me to have a body like Thor

after seeing Endgame I have finally done it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjhas3/my_gf_always_wanted_me_to_have_a_body_like_thor/
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What happens when the WiFi goes down in Russia?

Nyetflix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjhai1/what_happens_when_the_wifi_goes_down_in_russia/
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What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjha1w/what_do_you_call_kids_born_in_whorehouses/
%
I used to date a homeless woman

It was great! After our date I could drop her off anywhere :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjh8wg/i_used_to_date_a_homeless_woman/
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Do you know what cocaine smells like?

MORE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjh56t/do_you_know_what_cocaine_smells_like/
%
What's the difference between sperm and mayonnaise?

Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of your mom's throat at 30 mph

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjh3xc/whats_the_difference_between_sperm_and_mayonnaise/
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Why wasn't your wife startled by getting your sperm in her eye?

Because she saw you coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjh2pt/why_wasnt_your_wife_startled_by_getting_your/
%
Why does Ganondorf hate the internet?

Because there's too many links.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjgvnf/why_does_ganondorf_hate_the_internet/
%
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh, it's some obscure number you've probably never heard of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjguvj/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history

Is that genealogy or geology?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjgqy7/dwayne_johnson_is_studying_his_family_history/
%
Caught Skinny Dipping

A priest and a rabbi are good friends and one night they get talking about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. The conversation leads them to try skinny dipping and under the light of the moon, they find themselves in swimming in a lake with their clothes hung from a tree. A car pulls up right next to the tree and two couples get out. One couple are parishoners of the Priest's, the other of the Rabbi's. They can't go for their clothes, so they both run off naked, the priest using his hands to cover his penis, looks over and sees the rabbi covering his face. "What are you doing?" he asks. The rabbi responds, "In my congregation, they recognize my face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjgogt/caught_skinny_dipping/
%
What’s the difference between between America and a yogurt?

If you leave a yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops its own culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjgnb4/whats_the_difference_between_between_america_and/
%
Wife: Can I have $20,000 to get some breast implants to make them bigger.

Husband: Why don’t you just rub toilet paper on your nipples.
Wife: Does that really work?
Husband: Well it seems to have worked on your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjgkn7/wife_can_i_have_20000_to_get_some_breast_implants/
%
My wealthy neighbour told me she wants to change her will and she's going to leave everything to me.

Well, she can fuck right off and hire a Lawyer.
Tight bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjgiha/my_wealthy_neighbour_told_me_she_wants_to_change/
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A pastor in church once made eye contact with me while giving a fiery sermon on how masturbators will burn in hell

Reluctantly, I put my penis back in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjgejj/a_pastor_in_church_once_made_eye_contact_with_me/
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The presidential limousine pulls up to Air Force One. Donald Trump steps out with a baby boar tucked under each arm.

As he’s about to board the plane, a secret service agent stops him and asks “Sir, forgive my intrusion, but what’s with the boars?”
Donald motions to one and says “I got this one for Eric,” he motions to the other, “and I got this one for Don Jr.”
The secret service agent nods in approval and says “Excellent trade, sir.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjgcth/the_presidential_limousine_pulls_up_to_air_force/
%
Just been playing frisbee with the dog,

bloody hopeless, need a flatter dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjg7l6/just_been_playing_frisbee_with_the_dog/
%
A Russian oligarch walks down the street, when suddenly, a magical lamp drops before his feet.

He picks it up, rubs it, and a powerful djinn shoots out.
"Ah, hello, my dear friend. You are in luck, for I shall grant you three wishes this day!" says the oligarch to the djinn.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjg1x6/a_russian_oligarch_walks_down_the_street_when/
%
In the darkest hours of World War II, a British Commando unit was waiting to go behind enemy lines into Norway

During the planning of the mission, it was decided that their rifles would need protective covers against the extreme cold of Norway. The contract to manufacture the covers was given to a pharmaceutical company that also manufactured condoms.
Before the Commandos deployed, Winston Churchill personally inspected them. He was shown a box of the newly-made protective covers. "Won't do," he said gruffly.
The Prime Minister searched through all of the other boxes. "No, won't do at all."
"But sir!" protested the mission commander. "They're exactly the right size for the rifles! Ten-and-a-half inches!"
"Labels," replied the Prime Minister cryptically.
"Labels, sir?"
"Labels," confirmed Churchill. "I want every one of these boxes labelled with 'British, Size: Medium'. If anyone's captured, we'll show the Jerries who's the bloody Master Race."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjfye2/in_the_darkest_hours_of_world_war_ii_a_british/
%
What do you call perspiration from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjfxl3/what_do_you_call_perspiration_from_sex_in_alabama/
%
A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understand, 37 is a funny joke, why aren’t you laughing?” and another inmate replies “it is a funny joke, but your delivery sucks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjfxic/a_bunch_of_inmates_in_prison_are_lifers_and_have/
%
A recent study shows that a weird side effect of doing too much cocaine is really glossy skin.

Scientists are calling it the Charlie Sheen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjfsye/a_recent_study_shows_that_a_weird_side_effect_of/
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Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock?

It’s too time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjfryj/why_is_it_a_bad_idea_to_eat_a_clock/
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Well, i met with a dyslexic satanist

that sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjflar/well_i_met_with_a_dyslexic_satanist/
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Depression levels

Therapist:  on a scale of 1 to 10 rate your depression.
Me:. π
Therapist: what
Me: low level and never ending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjfel1/depression_levels/
%
How do you treat a sick chemist?

If you can't curium and you can't helium, you might as well barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjfdxf/how_do_you_treat_a_sick_chemist/
%
As i suspected someone has been adding soil to my garden

The plot thickens.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjfawn/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
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A man sitting at the Bar has been telling some of his favourite blonde jokes when just as he starts to tell another he is interrupted by a blonde lady.

She points to the table directly behind him and says "do you see those two blonde ladies? Well they are both professional UFC fighters and I myself am a black belt in karate.. are you sure you want to continue this joke?"
Fuck no the man says, I'm not explaining it three times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjfaub/a_man_sitting_at_the_bar_has_been_telling_some_of/
%
A man walks into a bar.....

"What'll it be, sir?" asks the landlord.
"A pint of the black stuff if you please" replies the man.
"I just need to change the barrel, help yourself to some nuts while I nip down to the cellar".
Noticing the bowl of nuts for the first time, the man reaches to take a few.  As he does so, a voice emanates from the bowl - "Looking good there sir if I may say so, nice suit!"
"Cheers mate", replies the man, somewhat perplexed.
Looking around, he notices a cigarette machine at the end of the bar, and being a 40-a-day die-hard smoker, decides to stock up whilst waiting for his Guinness.
As he goes to up to the machine, an angry voice issues forth from the machine - "Fuck off you cunt!".
Backing away, feeling somewhat put upon, the man returns to his spot at the bar to find the landlord has returned, and is just about done drawing his pint.
"Excuse me landlord, what the hell is going on?  Your bowl of peanuts here had nothing but nice words for me, but the fag machine over there told me to fuck off"
"Ahh, sorry about that." replied the landlord.  "The peanuts are complementary, but the fag machine is out of order".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjfa0z/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a Soviet Pirate

A member of the USSaRR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjf8vk/what_do_you_call_a_soviet_pirate/
%
Why are televisions attracted to people?

Because people turn them on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjf7di/why_are_televisions_attracted_to_people/
%
I have so many hidden talents.

If you find them, please let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjf69o/i_have_so_many_hidden_talents/
%
Space Jokes 101

How do you throw a space party???
**PLANET**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjf5o4/space_jokes_101/
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The police raided my house and found dynamite, wire and a detonator with a plunger

Eyes welling with tears, I begged, “PLEASE don’t press charges!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjf0b5/the_police_raided_my_house_and_found_dynamite/
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A Frenchman was visiting Texas for the first time and was staying at a nice hotel in Houston...

In the bar he sat next to a cowboy and couldn't help but notice the size of the burger the man was eating. "Mon dieu - how big is your burger! And your beer!". "Yeah, " said the Texan. "Everything in Texas is big. Our houses, our trucks, our horses, our wives. Even our generosity!" With that he bought the Frenchman a round and they continued to talk about the size differences between France and Texas. After a few beers the Frenchman needed to use the toilet. "Down the hall on the right, second door" said the bartender. The Frenchman took the second door on the left and fell straight into the pool.
"Merde, Don't flush!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjey80/a_frenchman_was_visiting_texas_for_the_first_time/
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After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*
Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."
The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headaches. The bad news is that your testicles put so much pressure on your spine, that it can cause extreme headaches.
The only thing I can do is castrate you, to relieve your spine from the pressure." Jim was shocked, and became depressed. He didn't know what to do. A life without sex was not very attractive, but he didn't like his life anyways with these headaches. He decided to castrate himself.
When he walked out of the hospital without his testicles, and for the first time in twenty years wasn't plagued by the extreme headaches, he felt like a completely different person. To celebrate this, he decided to buy a new suit in an expensive store. When he walked in, he told an old seller that he was looking for a new suit. The seller told him: 'I see that youe need size 44.' Amazed looked Jim at the seller and said: "How do you know?" "Oh sir, I've been in this business for 40 years, and I have a very good view on it."
Jim fitted the suit and looked in the mirror. The suit looked stunning on him. "You of course need a nice shirt in combination with that suit". The seller told him. Jim agreed. The seller said: "You have size 34 from sleeves and 16 from neck." "I'm amazed how you can just see it without measuring", said Jim.
"Oh sir, it's really not that hard after 40 years". Jim fitted the shirt, and it also stood great on him. "While we're at it," said Jim, "Why don't we go look for some new shoes?"
The seller looked at him and said: "Size 44, isn't it?" Again was Jim amazed. After they chose the right shoes, the seller said to Jim: "Of course you want new underwear too?"
He looked at Jim's waist, and said: "Size 36, right?" Jim said a bit triumphant: "Nope, this time you're wrong, I always wear size 34!"
The seller shaked his head and said: "You should 100% not do that. Size 34 is too tight for you, and pushes your testicles right against your spine, something that can cause extreme headaches!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjex9h/after_years_of_being_plagued_by_extreme_headaches/
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A date told me she'd love to have visited the Soviet Union at it's greatest. I got out of there real quick.

It was clearly a big red flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjes07/a_date_told_me_shed_love_to_have_visited_the/
%
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. When do I get to go home?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjeqm6/ralph_and_edna_were_both_patients_in_a_mental/
%
I'm so mad about everyone being against Trump. He's so misunderstood...He's just a human being who wants to be loved....

by his Daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjen8j/im_so_mad_about_everyone_being_against_trump_hes/
%
Maybe aliens haven't visited

because they checked the reviews for our solar system and saw only one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjemci/maybe_aliens_havent_visited/
%
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past, "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?!"
"Never!" said Bob.
"Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, "BOB, wake up!! You've shit the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjem5c/bob_came_home_drunk_one_night_slid_into_bed/
%
Why are there so many ‘parental advisory’ notices on tv programmes lately?

My mum’s getting really sick of me phoning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjelwk/why_are_there_so_many_parental_advisory_notices/
%
This isnt funny is it?

Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?
Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.
Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?
Man: No, I’m a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjel7l/this_isnt_funny_is_it/
%
what did the tap say to you when you struggled to open it?

Don’t faucet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjekg7/what_did_the_tap_say_to_you_when_you_struggled_to/
%
A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjek4h/a_couple_of_years_ago_one_night_i_was_about_to/
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Using every letter in the alphabet in just one sentence makes things difficult, but to be fair...

quiz wax

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjejqp/using_every_letter_in_the_alphabet_in_just_one/
%
I was talking to a liberal-feminist at a bar and she told me I should be more open to the Muslim culture,

So I stoned her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjefm2/i_was_talking_to_a_liberalfeminist_at_a_bar_and/
%
Me in heaven: Damn,this place is nice as hell

God: nice as what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bje9y8/me_in_heaven_damnthis_place_is_nice_as_hell/
%
I'm just back from my friend's funeral. He died after a tennis ball hit his head...

It was a beautiful service, to be fair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bje8ti/im_just_back_from_my_friends_funeral_he_died/
%
I grew up just a stone's throw away...

From where that family mysteriously got all those head injuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bje2km/i_grew_up_just_a_stones_throw_away/
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Paddy's Wife

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they decide to go to the doctors.
After tests, the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex.
Paddy refuses to purchase a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during intercourse. After 20 minutes of wafting - and still no orgasm - Paddy's friend suggests a swap.
"You waft the towel while I fuck her" says the friend.
Paddy agrees and within seconds, Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.
Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says: "That, my friend, is how you waft a fucking towel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjdusr/paddys_wife/
%
Dear Dad, $chool i$ great

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply cannot think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjdu9e/dear_dad_chool_i_great/
%
Four men are waiting in the hospital...

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjdtdi/four_men_are_waiting_in_the_hospital/
%
French Revolution Jokes.

Robespierre was killed in a *split* second.
I guess King Louis XVI failed to get *a-head* of his competition.
The guillotine was *cutting edge* technology at the time.
Execution was a form of capital *PUNishment.*
If only Robespierre was spelt like *Robespare*.
What’s the best feature of French drones? They can fly in *headless* mode.
I guess I made *sever-all* bad jokes.
These were poorly *executed* jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjdtbc/french_revolution_jokes/
%
A Destructive Relationship Ended

```
A friend once introduced us
I hardly even knew
The ties that seemed to bind us
Imperceptively grew
Eventually my body ached
I could only think your name
At 3am I lied awake
Longing for a change
You pulled me from
the ones I love
To spend my time with you
And now you’re gone
Thank God above
I’m finished with the flu
```

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjdpt7/a_destructive_relationship_ended/
%
Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass?

Student: I didn't even know protons were Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjdmpj/chemistry_teacher_did_you_know_protons_have_mass/
%
The girl: This pussy gonna change your wholelife

The boy: prove it!
The doctor: you have aids now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjdkib/the_girl_this_pussy_gonna_change_your_wholelife/
%
Blonde lesbians next door got me a birthday gift.

I think they misunderstood because I said "I wanna watch...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjdi1e/blonde_lesbians_next_door_got_me_a_birthday_gift/
%
I got a dog from the blacksmith today

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjdgaj/i_got_a_dog_from_the_blacksmith_today/
%
I was born to an Asian family

But it was rough, the doctors had to perform a C section.
My dad slapped me at birth for not getting an A+ section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjd5sq/i_was_born_to_an_asian_family/
%
Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you should never turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjd2r8/why_is_reverse_cowgirl_illegal_in_alabama/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjctdt/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How many bones are in a human hand?

a handful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjcpz0/how_many_bones_are_in_a_human_hand/
%
Asians are so bad at driving...

I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjcofz/asians_are_so_bad_at_driving/
%
If a person whose height is less than 5'10 has an orgasm

It's a shortcoming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjcnfa/if_a_person_whose_height_is_less_than_510_has_an/
%
Why is a job at the broken keyboard factory so lucrative?

There's plenty of extra shifts to pick up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjclfg/why_is_a_job_at_the_broken_keyboard_factory_so/
%
If you drink the blue liquid inside of a magic 8 ball, you can see the future.

It’s true. My friend Carl drank one and said “I’m dying”, and then he did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjclbc/if_you_drink_the_blue_liquid_inside_of_a_magic_8/
%
One morning, a man sat on his porch wondering why the sun hasn’t risen yet...

But then it dawned on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjckf3/one_morning_a_man_sat_on_his_porch_wondering_why/
%
So two chemists walk into a bar...

One of them said, "I would like some H2O"
The other said, "I would like some H2O too!"
The second chemist died from poisoning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjcgj2/so_two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the kid drop his Icecream?

Because he got hit by a train while crossing the rails.
#staybehindtheyellowline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjcfbl/why_did_the_kid_drop_his_icecream/
%
Three couples die and approach St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

The first couple approach, but Peter says to the man, "You cannot go to Heaven. You were too greedy in life! You even married a woman named Penny!"
The second couple approaches, and Peter says, "Halt! You cannot pass into Heaven. You were a drunkard! Why, you even married a woman named Sherry!"
The man in the third couple turns to his wife and says, "We shouldn't even try, Fanny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjccil/three_couples_die_and_approach_st_peter_at_the/
%
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjcce9/a_doctor_goes_out_and_buys_the_best_car_on_the/
%
A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] Do you deny this?
Homeless man: No, your honor.
Judge: Do you have any coins?
Homeless man: Just a few quarters, your Honor.
Judge: Give them here.
Homeless man: Your Honor, they're all I have!
Judge: That may be so, but please just give me those coins.
Homeless man: Very well. [hands over the coins]
Judge: [to the stand owner] Pay close attention. [drops coins on the table] Did you hear that?
Stand owner: Yes, your Honor.
Judge: Excellent. Now you take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjc9xy/a_hot_dog_vendor_brings_a_homeless_man_to_court/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"Aye Matey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjc5o6/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
My brother told me a trick on how to get a six pack in an hour.

You have to go to the liquor store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjc29y/my_brother_told_me_a_trick_on_how_to_get_a_six/
%
What happened to the Indian who drank too much iced tea?

He slept in his tea pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjc187/what_happened_to_the_indian_who_drank_too_much/
%
In America moosehead is a beer,

In Canada moosehead is a misdemeanor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjc0f9/in_america_moosehead_is_a_beer/
%
Jim the security Guard is working at the Mexican/American border, and stops a car at a checkpoint.

The driver shows the guard his license, visa, and passport, but is clearly nervous and is sweating bullets. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal four large bags. He opens them, only to reveal that each and everyone of them is filled with dirt.
One week later, Jim stops the same driver. Once again, the driver has all the proper documentation, put is clearly nervous. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal, lo and behold, four more large bags, each filled to the brim with dirt.
This happens over and over again for the next 2 years. Frustrated, Jim quits and opens a bar in El Paso. A year later, a man walks into Jim's bar. Jim instantly recognizes him as the "dirt driver". As the man sits down, Jim quickly strikes up a conversation with him, and says, "look buddy, drinks are on me all night if you just tell me what you were smuggling".
The man leans back in his chair, smirks, and says, "Cars".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjc04a/jim_the_security_guard_is_working_at_the/
%
My girlfriend wants me to read Pride and Prejudice, but I think I’ll pass.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that it’ll try to lecture me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjbryr/my_girlfriend_wants_me_to_read_pride_and/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

It's still a cow, but if it's a flying cow, it becomes a high steaks situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjbrgk/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
Why do dice always prefer to be in twos?

Because it's a pair a' dice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjbp1c/why_do_dice_always_prefer_to_be_in_twos/
%
A teenager wants to by a car

A teenager asks his mother to buy him a car. His mother tells him that he should get a job and buy it himself.
A brilliant idea came to the teenager’s head that day, since he loves chemistry so much he came up with the genius idea to sell a mixture of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine.
The teenager is excited because he knows he will be making money soon. His mother sees him and asks what he is doing.
The teenager replies, “RePOsTs is the fastest was to get car, ma.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjbn7r/a_teenager_wants_to_by_a_car/
%
Two deaf people get married and are confused on how to communicate about sex.

The wife says with sign language,"Now that we're married, we need a quick way to communicate whether we want to have sex or don't want to have sex."  She thinks for a moment,"Okay when you want to have sex, pinch my right nipple.  When you don't want to have sex, pinch my left nipple."
The husband agrees,"That will work!"
The wife asks,"So what about me?  How do I let you know when I want to have sex or not?"
The husband thinks a moment,"I've got it!  When you want to have sex, pull my dick one time.  When you don't want to have sex, pull my dick two hundred times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjbm50/two_deaf_people_get_married_and_are_confused_on/
%
A company was hiring for a new position.

Thousands upon thousands of applications were submitted for the position. Then came time to hire.
The hiring manager looked through the applications, and narrowed down the list to about 300 qualified candidates, Ivy league graduates and all. Seeing as it was too many to interview, he sent them all a mass email asking only those who speak more than three languages to come in for an interview.
Come interview day, about 50 people show up to interview. The manager and his assistants interview them all and narrow the list down to 20 beyond qualified candidates. The manager asks them all to come in again.
This time, he puts them all into a room and tells them he will test them, and they must beat everyone in the room in order to get the spot. Seeing as they're all already qualified, he will ask them arbitrary questions.
He asks them in how many countries they've lived. Anybody who has only lived in one country can leave the room. 5 people leave. Can you juggle? Another 5 leave. Have you ever been in a movie? He keeps asking questions until three candidates are left.
He asks the three, can you speak Japanese? One guy leaves, and the other two more candidates say of course. He looks at the two and tells them to talk to one another in Japanese.
One of them looks at the other and says in Arabic "I don't speak Japanese, I've been bullshitting just to get this job. I really need it, if you can understand me could you help me out?"
Other guy responds in Arabic, "You're Middle Eastern too?? Thank God, I thought I was the only one bullshitting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjblqr/a_company_was_hiring_for_a_new_position/
%
One day Putin summons the ghost of Stalin.

Putin asks, "Why is everything here so bad? What should I do?"
“Execute the entire government and paint the Kremlin blue,” says Stalin.
“Why blue?” asks a perplexed Putin.
“I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part,” Stalin says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjblhv/one_day_putin_summons_the_ghost_of_stalin/
%
Donate a kidney, and you’re a hero

Donate seven however, and you’re going to jail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjbeni/donate_a_kidney_and_youre_a_hero/
%
The best way to always remember your wife's birthday

is to forget it once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjbdyw/the_best_way_to_always_remember_your_wifes/
%
You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.
(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjbd9h/you_know_what_disease_is_really_hard_to_beat/
%
99 bugs in the code...

99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code!
Take one down, patch it around.
127 bugs in the code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjbajw/99_bugs_in_the_code/
%
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjb4x4/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
%
Waht is wrong with me brain (hope no one's done this)

Think about this... If 2 people having sex is called a twosome, and 3 people having sex is a threesome, I guess that would mean that your very *handsome...*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjb0px/waht_is_wrong_with_me_brain_hope_no_ones_done_this/
%
Whoever took my anti depressants,

I hope you're happy now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjb0lf/whoever_took_my_anti_depressants/
%
I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat...

My friend is already on Stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjaz1c/i_dont_get_why_people_say_cancer_is_hard_to_beat/
%
Why do vegans hate astronomy?

Near Earth Objects are a bit meteor for their tastes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjavot/why_do_vegans_hate_astronomy/
%
I'm a recruiter for my company. Before I look at any resumes, I always throw half of them out.

I only want the lucky ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjarr1/im_a_recruiter_for_my_company_before_i_look_at/
%
Two ladies are fighting on a bus for the last seat...

The driver went up to the ladies and said the following: "let the ugliest of the 2 have the seat." After which both of the ladies stood for the rest of the ride, never fighting again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjarau/two_ladies_are_fighting_on_a_bus_for_the_last_seat/
%
A soldier and his commanding officer are in a bunker.

*The soldier picks up his binoculars and scans the horizon.*
Soldier: "Sir! Enemy troops spotted! They look really... little."
Officer: "Soldier, keep me informed!"
Some time *passes.*
Officer: "Status report soldier!"
Soldier: "Sir, the enemy troops look a little bigger."
*Some time passes.*
Officer: "Status report soldier!"
Soldier: "Sir, the enemy is upon us!"
Officer: "Soldier, launch the attack!"
Soldier: "Sir, I can't! I've known them since they were little..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjaopn/a_soldier_and_his_commanding_officer_are_in_a/
%
Things are not always appear

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjaood/things_are_not_always_appear/
%
People always ask me if I know any foreign languages...

I feel like saying no will make me look stupid, so I say: “Well, I do know a little Hebrew.”
This always surprises people, since Hebrew doesn’t seem like a popular language: “Oh really?!”  They always reply.
To that I respond: “Yeah, he’s about 4 feet tall.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bjag7r/people_always_ask_me_if_i_know_any_foreign/
%
The only reason Avengers Endgame broke all those box office records

Is because Doctor Strange watched it 14.000.605 times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bja8s8/the_only_reason_avengers_endgame_broke_all_those/
%
What begins with an M and ends with an arriage that all men love.

It is miscarriage.
That joke never gets old and neither does the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bja66j/what_begins_with_an_m_and_ends_with_an_arriage/
%
Gambling jokes

**Husband**: How do you lose $150 in the slot machines!
**Wife**: You lost $15000 at the tables!
**Husband**: Yeah but I know how to gamble.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
**Bettor**: My god, I had a terrible day today. I lost 15 out of 15 in college football, I lost 8 out of 8 in baseball and I lost 6 out of 6 in soccer. I don’t know what I am going to do.
**Friend**: Well there’s hockey games starting soon.
**Bettor**: I don’t know anything about hockey.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
3 ladies bet $100 on a 50 meter breaststroke swimming race. The brunette came in first; the redhead came in second and the blonde was last. The blonde said “You two used your arms!”
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
The [full list](https://bitedge.com/blog/gambling-jokes/) also has some funny gambling quotes, here are a few examples
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
*When I read about the evils of gambling I gave up reading.*
\~ Henny Youngman
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
*I once gave up women, drinking and gambling… it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.*
\~George Best
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
*They call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.*
\~ Norm Macdonald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bja5vt/gambling_jokes/
%
Tyrion's joke completed

Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.
Madame: What can we do for you?
Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.
Madame: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?
Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey...
Madame: And what about the third wish?
Tyrion: Well... she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee.
Madame: Well that one's not so bad eh?
Tyrion: Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bja5uw/tyrions_joke_completed/
%
What's the difference between being Tired and Exhausted?

If you run in front of a fast car, you get Tired.
If you try to run behind a fast car, you get Exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj9zfv/whats_the_difference_between_being_tired_and/
%
My wife caught me masturbating to granny porn.

"Fucking hell," she said. "I wish you would lock the door sometimes."
"Fine," I sighed.
But really, you can't win with that woman. Now it's 3am and she's calling me to let her into the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj9ta2/my_wife_caught_me_masturbating_to_granny_porn/
%
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says...

“Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj9t8d/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
%
My friend told me the word "gullible" is not in any dictionaries

I went to check and it was. I don't know why he said that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj9qmk/my_friend_told_me_the_word_gullible_is_not_in_any/
%
A postman and his wife are expecting their first child.

The big day comes, and it's a healthy baby girl. The new parents are overjoyed, but it's a lot of work. Dad helps out in every way he can; changing diapers, keeping the house clean, prepping and cooking meals (always being sure to make something ahead for if Mom gets hungry when he's not home), etc.
A few months of relative bliss go by, and Mom eventually notices something. "John, you've been great to me and the baby. You're an awesome dad and hubby. But I have to ask... why don't you ever pick her up? You know the doctor says she needs interaction with both of us."
"Honey, you know I adore both of you, and I'd do anything for Callie. But... I don't know how. I only ever learned how to be a male carrier."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj9abd/a_postman_and_his_wife_are_expecting_their_first/
%
Don't Spoil Endgame

Friend: Now I know how Endgame goes down... some idiot kid loudly spoiled it to everyone today.
Me: So... who died?
Friend: For starters, the kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj98s2/dont_spoil_endgame/
%
What do you call it when a priest goes skydiving?

A Christian Bail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj98fm/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_priest_goes_skydiving/
%
What would you call an alligator wearing a vest ?

An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj96n5/what_would_you_call_an_alligator_wearing_a_vest/
%
How do you spot a reposted joke in this subreddit?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj958z/how_do_you_spot_a_reposted_joke_in_this_subreddit/
%
I quit drinking once.

Toughest forty five minutes of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj94yg/i_quit_drinking_once/
%
There were officials in World War 1 that were discussing a plan.

English General: Plan?
English Lieutenant: We can use trenches to—
English Major: symbolize man’s emptiness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj93yw/there_were_officials_in_world_war_1_that_were/
%
What is a nudist's favourite movie

Free Willy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj91ll/what_is_a_nudists_favourite_movie/
%
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland ?

I don't know. But the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj90ap/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
Three Men are sleeping in a hotel bed. (NSFW)

When they finally wake up, they start talking about the dreams they had.
The one on the left says: “Guys, you’re never gonna believe this, I just had the dream of a lifetime! I received an amazing handjob. It was like it was being done by a professional!”
The guy on the right chimes in: “Dude! No way! I had the same thing! This really sexy model gave me one, and it was amazing!!”
The guy in the middle goes: “Damn, I envy you guys... I just dreamed I was skiing..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj8r9x/three_men_are_sleeping_in_a_hotel_bed_nsfw/
%
What's worse than a dead baby nailed to a tree?

A dead baby nailed to three trees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj8ocb/whats_worse_than_a_dead_baby_nailed_to_a_tree/
%
A man gets electrocuted after throwing someone in a pool of acid.

He got charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj8o07/a_man_gets_electrocuted_after_throwing_someone_in/
%
As I get older, I find that I miss my wife more than ever.

My reflexes aren't as quick as they were..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj8lbf/as_i_get_older_i_find_that_i_miss_my_wife_more/
%
Evolution has its hand in

Everyone’s genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj843k/evolution_has_its_hand_in/
%
There was a nun who volunteered at a hospital,

and since she had her doctorate and medical license, the hospital allowed her to prescribe medications. In fact, she took great joy in being able to provide prescriptions immediately, and so modified one of her uniforms to start carrying some of the more common medications and equipment. Over time, she ended up adding more and more pockets and loops and cargo spaces. Eventually, it amounted to quite a lot of weight as she was carrying a small pharmacy.
One day, one of the elderly inpatients complained that their walker was missing. After a little investigation, it was discovered that the nun was using it to help bear with the weight of her clothes! The only thing the hospital staff could talk about for the next week was that she had resorted to stealing to support her drug habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj7zpf/there_was_a_nun_who_volunteered_at_a_hospital/
%
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj7lvc/i_wanted_to_marry_my_english_teacher_when_she_got/
%
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

"You better hold onto your nuts, cause this aint no regular blowjob".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj7jwd/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_palm_tree/
%
What do you call a bowl full of epilepsy?

A seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj7iii/what_do_you_call_a_bowl_full_of_epilepsy/
%
Today a clown opened a door for me

I said "that's a nice jester"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj7eq0/today_a_clown_opened_a_door_for_me/
%
Got any grapes?

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj7dfj/got_any_grapes/
%
At a Mathematical Functions party...

... 2^x and 3^x notice that their friend e^x is standing alone in a corner looking kinda sad. They decide to approach him and try to convince him to have a little fun with the other Functions, but he refuses.
So 2^x asks him:
"Come on man try to have some fun, integrate!"
To which he replies:
"Nah it useless... in any case it won't change anything..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj79lu/at_a_mathematical_functions_party/
%
Mrs O’ Sullivan hears the doorbell and opens the front door of her house

Standing in the rain, is her husbands best friend, Paddy.
"Hello Paddy, but where is Seamus? I thought he went with you to the brewery"
Paddy shook his head. "Ah Aileen, there was a terrible accident at the brewery, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"
Mrs O’ Sullivan starts crying. "Oh that is terrible, please tell me, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Well he would have, if he hadn’t gotten out 3 times to pee..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj7969/mrs_o_sullivan_hears_the_doorbell_and_opens_the/
%
I think that if the clitoris had a better role model

maybe it wouldn’t end up in the hood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj78ez/i_think_that_if_the_clitoris_had_a_better_role/
%
Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj77p6/alternative_phrases_to_calm_your_tits/
%
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes....

Where pretty good but we haven't got a gig yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj77ek/i_recently_started_a_band_called_999_megabytes/
%
A man went to a store called “Hooker Furniture”

He walked up to the desk and said “ I would like to purchase one night stand”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj701f/a_man_went_to_a_store_called_hooker_furniture/
%
Two scientists walk into a bar

One says I’ll have “H2O”
The one on the right says “I’ll have H2O too”
The bartender says ok, and hands them their water.
30 seconds later and the scientist fall on the floor
“What happened “ a scientist says
“ oops I gave him H2O2”
I know it’s bad but my science teacher told the joke in class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj6w7d/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
It was so cold in D.C. today…

…that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj6vit/it_was_so_cold_in_dc_today/
%
There is a guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter

It's pretty nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj6the/there_is_a_guy_going_around_dipping_his_testicles/
%
I went out with a girl who's left breast was made of timber.

Just kidding. That would be ridiculous, wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj6rb8/i_went_out_with_a_girl_whos_left_breast_was_made/
%
I took a viagra

And it got caught in my throat now I have a stiff neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj6lay/i_took_a_viagra/
%
Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.
When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it she found a nice shiny silver bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj6j01/bobs_wife_was_very_mad_at_him_for_forgetting/
%
Dark humor is like clean water

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj6hiq/dark_humor_is_like_clean_water/
%
What do Baseball Players and spectators have in common?

They both just wanna get home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj6fo9/what_do_baseball_players_and_spectators_have_in/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj6ezp/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts "Hey are you a caiman?"

"I'm alright, thanks kid" he replies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj6eom/a_boy_sees_an_alligator_in_the_zoo_and_shouts_hey/
%
Why would a tree make an awful Uber?

They can’t decide on a route.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj6e1z/why_would_a_tree_make_an_awful_uber/
%
My friend just told me this long and winding story about how he lost the tip of his index finger in an accident.

It was a bit pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj6deu/my_friend_just_told_me_this_long_and_winding/
%
How many small people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least 2, but they gotta be small enough to get inside the light bulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj69ry/how_many_small_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Rick Astley has an extensive Pixar and Disney dvd/blu ray collection and he'll lend you any of the them...

Except up, he's never going to give you up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj68sn/rick_astley_has_an_extensive_pixar_and_disney/
%
What do you call a compact parking spot next to a tree?

Slim
Shady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj61y5/what_do_you_call_a_compact_parking_spot_next_to_a/
%
I used a pickup line on a girl and it actually worked

Turns out people will do anything you ask them to if you show them your gun and say that you have a criminal history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj5x79/i_used_a_pickup_line_on_a_girl_and_it_actually/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj5wzf/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj5tww/i_went_to_the_doctors_recently_he_said_dont_eat/
%
2 gay guys are walking down the street

One looks to the other and points to a guy across the street "he is really good in bed" guy 2 responds "no shit", guy 1 "well hardly any
Old but goody, been retold too many times to give anyone credit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj5rlr/2_gay_guys_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A drinking problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj5q48/math_teacher_if_i_have_5_bottles_in_one_hand_and/
%
My friend said he discovered the brightest star in the night sky.

There is no way he could possibly B Sirius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj5mlf/my_friend_said_he_discovered_the_brightest_star/
%
How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach?

He has the white cane with the red end you unfunny, reposting, karma whoring chumps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj5lfk/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_guy_at_a_nude_beach/
%
Real estate is affordable

.... that's the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj5kma/real_estate_is_affordable/
%
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I've seen this five times on r/jokes in the last three days’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj5i9q/a_woman_decides_to_have_a_face_lift_for_her_50th/
%
What happens of life gives you melons?

You're dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj55fp/what_happens_of_life_gives_you_melons/
%
Who invented the first airplane that wouldn’t fly?

The Wrong Brothers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj53rn/who_invented_the_first_airplane_that_wouldnt_fly/
%
My wife of 60 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj51em/my_wife_of_60_years_said_lets_go_upstairs_and/
%
What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj4wsp/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_his/
%
they say that time flies like an arrow...

... and fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj4p8k/they_say_that_time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
I accidentally called my mom an asshole

and now i feel like a piece of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj4ots/i_accidentally_called_my_mom_an_asshole/
%
What's the fastest way to make your wife angry?

Refer to them as your ex-girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj4nub/whats_the_fastest_way_to_make_your_wife_angry/
%
Whats Thanos' favorite beverage?

Snapple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj4m6r/whats_thanos_favorite_beverage/
%
What is the worst thing your wife can say during sex?

Honey, I’m home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj4l0h/what_is_the_worst_thing_your_wife_can_say_during/
%
Do you need an ark?

Don't worry I Noah guy.
(I know its really old but still makes me smile)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj4krw/do_you_need_an_ark/
%
What’s the last thing my friend told me before I got hit by a car?

Dodge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj4jdr/whats_the_last_thing_my_friend_told_me_before_i/
%
What rhymes with orange

Wait. No it doesn’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj4edy/what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
I was playing chess with a friend and he said “let’s make this interesting”.

So we stopped playing chess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj47g6/i_was_playing_chess_with_a_friend_and_he_said/
%
When the Pink Panther stepped on an ant, what song did they play?

Dead ant, dead ant,  dead ant  dead ant  dead ant  dead ant  dead ant  dead ant......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj44mu/when_the_pink_panther_stepped_on_an_ant_what_song/
%
So I came across a large sum of money recently

Now it's all sticky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj439r/so_i_came_across_a_large_sum_of_money_recently/
%
There are two types of people...

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete information.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj3zf0/there_are_two_types_of_people/
%
***Massive Spoilers***

I am groot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj3vt7/massive_spoilers/
%
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office...

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing pants made of saran wrap.  The doctor says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj3t4y/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office/
%
I've been collecting a few zombies here and there, nothing serious....

But my girlfriend seems to think I'm hording  them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj3og6/ive_been_collecting_a_few_zombies_here_and_there/
%
Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj3nzv/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_america/
%
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj3jo0/i_really_cant_stand_it_when_homeless_guys_shake/
%
Remember to not make fun of your wife’s decisions...

Because you were one of them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj3izt/remember_to_not_make_fun_of_your_wifes_decisions/
%
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj3fo2/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
%
Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always stuttering like that?”

Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj3e1j/doctor_to_mrs_spew_is_your_daughter_always/
%
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing

Except at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj3dz2/im_sorry_and_my_bad_mean_the_same_thing/
%
There are a lot of pro's and con's to marriage

On the one hand, you get to wear this cool ring.
But on the other hand, you don't....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj37wb/there_are_a_lot_of_pros_and_cons_to_marriage/
%
Why should you never trust math teachers who have graph paper?

Because they're always plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2zxb/why_should_you_never_trust_math_teachers_who_have/
%
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."
"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2zt7/paddy_and_paddy_two_irishmen_went_out_one_day_and/
%
Doctor: "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating"

Man: "Oh my God, doc! Why?!?"
Doctor: "I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2zdr/doctor_i_have_some_bad_news_for_you_you_really/
%
6 more months until Halloween

Which means 2 more weeks until stores start putting out Halloween decorations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2wzy/6_more_months_until_halloween/
%
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2u06/my_pizza_is_burnt_my_beer_is_frozen_and_my/
%
Cardi B walks into a bar.

I don't remember the rest of the joke, do you have some spare change for a taxi home?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2t4i/cardi_b_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My friends and I got pulled over by the police...

The cop asked: "Drugs,alcohol?"
I said:"Nah mate, we got both"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2rza/my_friends_and_i_got_pulled_over_by_the_police/
%
If you're suffering from insomnia, look on the bright side

Only 3 more sleeps until Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2p3r/if_youre_suffering_from_insomnia_look_on_the/
%
Business

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: No
Dad: It's Bill Gates' daughter
Son: then ok
Dad: **Goes to Bill Gates**
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son
Bill Gates: No
Dad: My son is the CEO of the world bank
Bill Gates: then ok
Dad: **Goes to CEO of world bank**
Dad: Gimme my son your position
Pres: No
Dad: He is the son in law of Bill Gates
Pres: then ok
**THIS IS BUSINESS**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2okk/business/
%
Masochist : Hit me..

Sadist : No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2nzj/masochist_hit_me/
%
What do you get when you cross a pervert with a pirate?

ARRRRRR Kelly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2ma2/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_pervert_with_a/
%
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2km2/its_not_true_that_married_men_live_longer_than/
%
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher."

She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2kj4/after_picking_her_son_up_from_school_one_day_the/
%
How do anti-vaxers celebrate their child’s first birthday?

By putting flowers on their grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2jwx/how_do_antivaxers_celebrate_their_childs_first/
%
How do get a fat chick to go to bed with you?

Piece of cake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2bsm/how_do_get_a_fat_chick_to_go_to_bed_with_you/
%
My Nigerian coworker told me he was leaving early to go the doctor.

I said “ Oh, which doctor?” He responds, “Yeah bro. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2ahq/my_nigerian_coworker_told_me_he_was_leaving_early/
%
Dark jokes are like clean water

Only some people get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2ag8/dark_jokes_are_like_clean_water/
%
How do you get 1.2 billion followers?

You go around all Africa with water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj26jf/how_do_you_get_12_billion_followers/
%
Did you ever hear about the cannibal that was late for dinner..

He got the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj23pf/did_you_ever_hear_about_the_cannibal_that_was/
%
It's funny how genies can't make a woman fall in love with you

But, they can make you rich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj2304/its_funny_how_genies_cant_make_a_woman_fall_in/
%
A Black guy, a White guy, and an Asian guy are riding in a car.

They get pulled over for speeding and the cop tells them if all together their penises add up to 20 inches, then he will let them go.
So they measure the black guy’s penis and its 10 inches.
Then they measure the white guy’s penis and It’s 9 inches.
They then measure the Asian guy’s penis and its 1 inch.
Since they add up to 20 the officer let’s them go.
While they are driving the black guy says, “we got away because I was 10 inches.”
Then the white guys says, “no it was because I was 9”
The Asian guy says, “no it was because I had a boner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj21k3/a_black_guy_a_white_guy_and_an_asian_guy_are/
%
Being a 40 year old man, people started scolding me when I took out my 18 year old girlfriend for dinner

I got called all sorts: creep, perv etc. I have to say, it really ruined our 10th anniversary together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj21ij/being_a_40_year_old_man_people_started_scolding/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime later Sherlock woke Watson up and said,"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"And what can you deduce from that?"
"well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of them have planets, it is quite likely that there is another planet like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." and Holmes said, "Watson, you idiot. It means someone stole our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj21gj/sherlock_holmes_and_doctor_watson_were_going/
%
Huge Supermassive Endgame Spoiler

Ok now that all the nerds are gone, I'm throwing an epic party at my house tomorrow and you're all invited!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj20dz/huge_supermassive_endgame_spoiler/
%
A Bad Knock knock Joke

*Knock Knock*
"Who's there"
Doctor
"Doctor Who?"
Peter Capaldi: yes
*Doctor Who Theme Intensifies*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj1ypz/a_bad_knock_knock_joke/
%
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married..

I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj1wp9/my_son_wanted_to_know_what_its_like_to_be_married/
%
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj1w90/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
%
My wife just told me, “I’m sick of your word play jokes. Why don’t you write a book instead?”

Me: That’s .....a novel idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj1vbw/my_wife_just_told_me_im_sick_of_your_word_play/
%
Chuck Norris doesn’t flush his toilet.

He scares the shit out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj1usq/chuck_norris_doesnt_flush_his_toilet/
%
How do you make a small fortune in a casino?

You start off with a large fortune!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj1tw7/how_do_you_make_a_small_fortune_in_a_casino/
%
Warning: Endgame spoilers

will make your car look really stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj1oky/warning_endgame_spoilers/
%
It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.
“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.
“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men?* That sounds like Ivy League elitists to me. Plus, Frankincense and myrrh? I bet these guys are Arabs. The president wouldn’t like this at all.”
The other aide agrees he has a point, so they take out the wise men and chuck them over the fence.
“Do you think it’s ready now?” says the first aide.
“Not really,” says the second one, “Look at Mary and Joseph - they’re refugees! I bet they’re bringing drugs and crime to Nazareth.”
So they take out Mary and Joseph too.
“Ok, I think we’re ready,” says the first one.
“Not yet,” says the second, “look at the baby. His parents came from Egypt *just* so he could be born in Nazareth? Sounds like an anchor baby to me.”
So they chuck out Jesus as well.
Proud of their work, they head back to the Oval Office to let the president know they’ve finished.
“Well?” He asks, “have you finished the most bigly tremendous decorations? We’re going to make Christmas great again.”
“Yes, Mister President. We’re sure you’ll be very happy with it. We took out the wise men, Mary and Joseph, and Jesus.”
“Well,” Trump asks, “what’s left?”
“It’s just the way we thought you’d like it sir. *One jackass and a whole bunch of sheep.*”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj1k7f/its_almost_december_at_the_white_house_and_donald/
%
Why did the astronomer use two hams to row his boat?

He liked meaty oars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj1j2n/why_did_the_astronomer_use_two_hams_to_row_his/
%
As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj1e4d/as_we_were_driving_down_the_road_sweet_caroline/
%
Son asked from dad. “Dad, what does Window of Opportunity mean”

Dad looked at the clock and said “Perfect timing! Quick, go and look out from that window. Wait a couple of minutes and then you will understand what a window of opportunity means." Son went to the window and then returned and said, “I saw Miss Jennifer going to sun bathe. I saw her walking naked in her backyard for few seconds.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj1dew/son_asked_from_dad_dad_what_does_window_of/
%
Why don't biologists go to restaurants?

Because they binomial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj19ms/why_dont_biologists_go_to_restaurants/
%
Dad jokes are like clean water

only some get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj18xg/dad_jokes_are_like_clean_water/
%
I went to go help my friend jack off a horse,

But instead we gave it a blow job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj18b7/i_went_to_go_help_my_friend_jack_off_a_horse/
%
A 10 year old and Albert Einstein play a game

Both of them will take turns to ask each other a question and if one can't answer the other's question,  he has to pay the other a sum of money.
To make the game fair, if the boy fails to answer a question, he only has to pay Einstein 5 dollars, on the other hand, if Einstein fails, he has to pay the kid a 1000 dollars.
Einstein starts. He asks the boy a difficult question regarding theoretical physics.
The boy, feeling defeated and unable to answer the question, hands Einstein 5 dollars.
It was the boy's turn, being the little genius that he is, he proudly ask Einstein an impossible question, a philosophical question that has no definite answer.
Einstein pauses, and thinks about the answer for a few minutes, he scratches his head and walks back and forth, he gathers all his books and desperately searches for a clue.
At the end, Einstein set his books aside and gives up, he rummages through his wallet and gives the boy a 1000 dollars, then Einstein, brimming with curiosity, asks the boy what the answer to his question was.
The boy gives Einstein 5 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj17su/a_10_year_old_and_albert_einstein_play_a_game/
%
My wife put on a sexy cop outfit..

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.
After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj17s9/my_wife_put_on_a_sexy_cop_outfit/
%
I swear... if I lose my keys one more god damn time...

I’m gonna lose it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj1438/i_swear_if_i_lose_my_keys_one_more_god_damn_time/
%
The doctor was asked about the condition of the quadratic equation that was trapped in the fire.

Doctor : Can't say much but he has some serious second degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj13nb/the_doctor_was_asked_about_the_condition_of_the/
%
How do you greet a friendly dog in Japanese?

Konnichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj0w17/how_do_you_greet_a_friendly_dog_in_japanese/
%
Three nuns sitting on a park bench, naked man runs by

Two had a stroke,
the other couldn't reach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj0t6w/three_nuns_sitting_on_a_park_bench_naked_man_runs/
%
A post on this sub is rarely original

We've all reddit before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj0r9z/a_post_on_this_sub_is_rarely_original/
%
A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”
“I was told there was.”
“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”
“I’m pretty sure there is.”
The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”
“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”
“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”
“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj0phi/a_major_arrives_at_a_remote_post_wheres_your/
%
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I've read your story on r/jokes about 6 times by now'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj0lks/a_woman_decides_to_have_a_face_lift_for_her_50th/
%
I was walking down the street, when I saw an ugly women yelling at her two kids.

I walked up to her and said to her,
“You have some very nice kids. Are they twins?”
She replied,
“No they aren’t twins, the older one’s 10 and the younger one’s 7! How could you possibly that? Are you blind?”
“Oh, my bad. I just couldn’t believe someone would sleep with you twice.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj0l49/i_was_walking_down_the_street_when_i_saw_an_ugly/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I lost my train of thought...

ooh, a dollar!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj0j6y/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_lost_my_train/
%
What do you call a compact parking spot next to a tree?

Slim Shady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj0j45/what_do_you_call_a_compact_parking_spot_next_to_a/
%
Three men are looking for somewhere to have a drink.

There are three beverage stands. The lemonade stand, the iced tea stand, and the fruit punch stand. As it’s a hot summer day, the men agree to quench their thirst and decide which stand to go to.
The first man says to the other two, “Because I’m thirsty and behind on my citrus intake, I’ll be at the lemonade stand.”
After the first man walked to the stand, the second man said to the third man,
“My doctor suggested that I drink more tea to lower my stress levels, so I’ll be at the iced tea stand.”
The third man, now standing in solitude, decides to go to the fruit punch stand to have some diversity within the group.
After the men get their respective drinks, they sit down on a nearby bench and the first two men start complaining about how long the lines were for each of their stands.
The first man says, “It took forever to get this stupid cup of lemonade. There were so many damn people waiting I thought I would never get a cup.”
The second man instantly fires back. “Quit being dramatic, did you see the amount of people in my line? It took at least thirty minutes to get my iced tea. I could’ve had gone to war and back and still wouldn’t have been served yet.”
Both of the men then look at the third man, who is sitting quietly with his fruit punch, laughing at them bickering. The two men, now agitated, ask the other man what could be possibly so funny. The third man replies:
“Well I guess you guys got screwed over. There was no punchline”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj0hc1/three_men_are_looking_for_somewhere_to_have_a/
%
The saddest sex position is...

when you are under and nobody is on top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj0h3q/the_saddest_sex_position_is/
%
Three Couples

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj0g57/three_couples/
%
A man enters a restaurant, sits at a table. From the next room he hears people yelling out numbers, and lots of laughter ensues each time.

“34!” Lots of laughter.
“122!” More laughter.
“78!” Knee slapping.
The man asks the waiter: “Say, what are they doing in the room over there?” “Oh,” says the waiter, “those are our regulars. They’re always telling the same old jokes, so they’ve numbered them already.” The man nods. “Well, go in there and tell them ‘176’ then, please.”
The waiter goes into the room, says “176”, and an enormous roar ensues, followed by never ending laughter. After a few minutes the noise has mostly died down to wheezing, and the waiter comes back out. “Well, what was that then, what did I say?”, the man inquires. The waiter replies: “They hadn’t heard that one before.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj0cyo/a_man_enters_a_restaurant_sits_at_a_table_from/
%
God created the earth, he wanted one perfect place, so he made France.

Then, seeing what he had done, he decided he had gone too far, so he made Frenchmen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj0a8h/god_created_the_earth_he_wanted_one_perfect_place/
%
A guy walks into a pub...

...And sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj0534/a_guy_walks_into_a_pub/
%
A man goes to the doctor about a lisp.

He says, “Doc I feel fine, it’th juth that I can’t thpeak clearly. I have thith lithp that I can’t theem to get rid of.”
The doctor replies, “Ok, let me have a look then.” and proceeds to examine the man. “Ahh, I see the problem here. Your penis is so long that it’s weight is pulling on your vocal chords, causing the lisp. We can correct this easily, I will just trim a little bit off of it and you should be good to go.”
The man hesitatingly agrees. The doctor performs the surgery and sends him on his way.
A month later the man returns to the doctor. He says, “Doctor, your treatment worked perfectly. I no longer speak with any lisp, which is great, but unfortunately my wife says she misses the extra length. I need to have this procedure reversed, please.”
The doctor replies, “I’m thorry thir but the prothedure is irreverthible.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bj01gp/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_about_a_lisp/
%
A toddler comes home from Catholic school

She asks her dad “dad, they said God made everybody, is that true?”
Her dad says “Yes that is true.”
She asks “So God made you?”
Her dad says “Yes, God made me.”
Puzzled, she asks “and God made me?”
Her dad replies “Yes, he made you... why?”
She then replies “Okay, at least God is getting better now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bizxjr/a_toddler_comes_home_from_catholic_school/
%
Its the homecoming dance, and so far the gym is split between boys and girls.

Several minutes pass until the boys start talking to the girls and asking them to dance. One after another the girls get asked to. All but one remains. Nobody has asked her out due to her fake wooden eye that she has.
Then suddenly, one boy realizes her sitting alone and wishes she was having fun like everyone else. So the boy goes over and asks her “Would you like to dance?”. The girl, full of excitement, jumps up and responds “Wood eye!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bizuww/its_the_homecoming_dance_and_so_far_the_gym_is/
%
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bizs9c/the_teacher_asked_jimmy_why_is_your_cat_at_school/
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What do you call a party with no white people

Crackalackin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bizkuw/what_do_you_call_a_party_with_no_white_people/
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I'm getting the word phoney tattooed under my knee

Phoney below knee.
Also. Not joking, totally doing it.
Update: https://imgur.com/a/A3MNdk1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bizk25/im_getting_the_word_phoney_tattooed_under_my_knee/
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My first job was as a door-to-door salesman.

I sold "no soliciting" signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bizclv/my_first_job_was_as_a_doortodoor_salesman/
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A Rabbi steps up to a urinal.

As he begins to urinate, a voice beside him says, "My friend, you are a Jew!"
Slightly surprised, he replies, "Okay, so you're some kind of genius. You see my clothing, and my..." (he gestures to his crotch) "... and you figure I'm a Jew. Please let me finish in peace!"
The voice continues, "Not only are you a Jew, but you're a Russian Jew!"
The Rabbi raises his eyebrows, "Okay, so you hear my accent and you put two and two together. But I implore you, leave me alone!"
"Not only are you a Russian Jew, but you are from Minsk!"
Half annoyed, half intrigued the Rabbi replies, "You are some kind of genius, you have picked up my Minsk accent. But for the love of G slash D, leave me alone!"
"Not only are you a Russian Jew from Minsk, but you studied under Rabbi Mishnah.
At this the Rabbi's eyes brighten.
"Rabbi Mishnah was like a father to me, he taught me the Torah and... how do you know such a thing?"
"Rabbi Mishnah is very old and his eyesight is very poor. On the eigth day he often cuts with a slight cut to the left. And this whole time YOU'VE BEEN PISSING ON MY SHOE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biz9rq/a_rabbi_steps_up_to_a_urinal/
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I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biz97m/i_was_so_bored_that_i_memorized_six_pages_of_a/
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What is a least favourite letter of a pirate?

Dear sir, we have record of your illegal downloading activity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biz7ne/what_is_a_least_favourite_letter_of_a_pirate/
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Response to a sarcastic teen (my son)

Being a Dad, I'm used to dropping the standard DAD JOKES from time to time.
My son is 14, and has started responding in a drawl "hilarious" (sarcastic).
I now reply "MOUNTAINS !!" or "MT EVEREST !!"
He said "whaaaa ?"
I replied "Hill areas...!    I thought you meant Mountains...!"    (to his word 'Hilarious')
*It's the gift that keeps on giving - Dad Jokes - LOL !*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biz1u1/response_to_a_sarcastic_teen_my_son/
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Roses are red, Violets are blue. If you don’t like Harry Potter puns,

Something is Siriusly Ron with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biypat/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue_if_you_dont_like/
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In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biykew/in_surgery_for_a_heart_attack_a_middleaged_woman/
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I don’t think I would ever try a threesome

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I’d go out to dinner with my parents to catch up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biyig0/i_dont_think_i_would_ever_try_a_threesome/
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A guy is about to get married the next day when his bride’s sister offers an interesting proposition....

As he’s sitting on the couch, she confesses she has had a crush on him for a long time, and wants one time with him—no one will ever know.
She says “Don’t answer now. If you’re interested come upstairs to my room. If not, you can leave or whatever, no problem.”
She goes upstairs and he thinks about it for a second then gets up and heads out the front door.
As he does, his bride and her whole family are on the patio. She hugs him and her dad shakes his hand for having passed the test.
Moral of the story? Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biyh86/a_guy_is_about_to_get_married_the_next_day_when/
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If I flip my new Nissan electric car ...

Am I turning over a new Leaf?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biyg5t/if_i_flip_my_new_nissan_electric_car/
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A blind man walks into a bar

And a chair, and a table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biy5v7/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call Samsung security guards

Gaurdians Of The Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biy3xc/what_do_you_call_samsung_security_guards/
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Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?

You can't c in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biy3so/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
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A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biy2xc/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biy1yq/your_mom_is_so_fat_she_starts_the_alphabet_with/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biy1e8/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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***SPOILER ALERT***

Check your milk's expiration date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biy0dw/spoiler_alert/
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A lawyer was walking down the street...

When he spotted a woman with spectacular breasts. He immediately offered her $100 if she would let him bite them.
“No way!” She exclaimed
“What about for $1000?” He persisted
“No certainly not what kind of woman do you think I am?”
“You wouldn’t even do it for $10,000,” he asked.
The woman was astounded. “You’ll pay me $10,000 if I let you bite my breasts?”
“That’s correct.”
“Okay let’s go over to that alley.”
Once in the alley she took off her blouse and the lawyer felt them, kissed them, and sucked them.
She was beginning to get impatient.
“Are you gonna bite them or what?” she snapped.
“No,” he said “too expensive”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bixzzc/a_lawyer_was_walking_down_the_street/
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Friedrich Nietzsche Dies

As he ascends up to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.  He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.
Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says "I'm God, looks like you were wrong about me."
Nietzsche replies "Not at all.  If you're up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct.  God is dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bixxz8/friedrich_nietzsche_dies/
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I miss my car.

But the other car didn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bixwau/i_miss_my_car/
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What did the Apple user say when another person showed him a r/Jokes post?

Haha...iknow that, ireddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bixtul/what_did_the_apple_user_say_when_another_person/
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Remember when plastic surgery was taboo? Now you mention Botox,

No one even raises their eyebrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bixsac/remember_when_plastic_surgery_was_taboo_now_you/
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An apprentice mortician is doing his first solo.

It turns out to be a 95 yo woman who died of natural causes. The head mortician thinks it should be a simple one to start, so he leaves the apprentice to his work and heads to his office.
About an hour later, the apprentice comes and asks him for help.
“What is it?” The head mortician asks.
“She has a pickle between her legs, and I’m not sure what to do.”
The head mortician heads over to the prep room to take a look. Quickly he determines what’s happening.
“That’s not a pickle, that’s her clitoris.”
The apprentice looks embarrassed, a little confused and replies
“Well, it tasted like a pickle”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bixp91/an_apprentice_mortician_is_doing_his_first_solo/
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There are three kinds of people in this world.

Those who can count and those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bixnei/there_are_three_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
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Hillary Clinton should’ve been the first F president.

Sorry, I meant female, but the emale got deleted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bixn13/hillary_clinton_shouldve_been_the_first_f/
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I don't understand why people spoil movies...

What's their endgame?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bixmth/i_dont_understand_why_people_spoil_movies/
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Confucius say, man who walk through airport turnstile sideways...

Going to Bangkok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bixa65/confucius_say_man_who_walk_through_airport/
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A young Indian boy and his father are sitting in a teepee. The child asks his father,”Father, how did you decide what to name me and my brothers?”

His father replies,”Well son, as soon as you are born, I hold you in my arms and we walk outside to show you our land. When your eldest brother was born, I see a majestic soaring eagle, so I name him ‘Soaring Eagle’. I took your second brother and we saw a herd of bison, hence the name ‘Brave Bison’.
Why do you ask, ‘Dog Taking a Shit’?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bix9hp/a_young_indian_boy_and_his_father_are_sitting_in/
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Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bix68s/mark_zuckerberg_is_really_upset_that_facebook_is/
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What’s the difference between dirt and miracle grow?

Not mulch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bix36o/whats_the_difference_between_dirt_and_miracle_grow/
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The great thing about Reddit for Stalkers.

They can follow you and you can never who they are.
Nice Job Reddit. I got 2 Followers and I don't know who they are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bix28n/the_great_thing_about_reddit_for_stalkers/
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The guy who invented the USB died the other day

When the coffin was lowered they realized that it was the other way around, so they took it up, turned it and inserted it correctly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biwxxe/the_guy_who_invented_the_usb_died_the_other_day/
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Attractive nurses probably never get accurate pulse readings from their patients.

Neither do ugly ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biwvsu/attractive_nurses_probably_never_get_accurate/
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A man and his son are driving past a graveyard.

Suddenly, the son leans forward and asks, "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
Surprised, the man said, "Of course not! Why ask such a question?"
His son replied, well I read a gravestone that read, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biwumm/a_man_and_his_son_are_driving_past_a_graveyard/
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A Farmer and his wife...

A farmer and his wife were sitting on the front porch enjoying the cool summer evening, when a flying saucer lands in the front yard, a door drops down, an Martian man and woman step off the spacecraft and introduce themselves to the country couple, after a long evening of enjoyable conversation the four of them agree to swap partners for the night.
The Martian man and farmers wife go into the house to make love, and the farmer and the Martian woman scurry to the spaceship.
The young Martian male undresses, revealing a tiny, peanut size pecker, farmer's wife remarks  “Bless your heart Mr. Martian man, but I don’t believe I would get any enjoyment from such a ‘lil ole thing. The alien man smiles, tugs on his left ear and his penis grows to a foot long, wow! She exclaimed that's a very long penis, but it's so thin!, the alien man winks, tugs on his right ear and his penis grows as fat as a beer can.
After breakfast, the couples told each other goodbye, after watching the saucer disappear out of sight, the farmer turned to his wife and asked how it went with the alien man, Great!, she replied, How did it go for you? Pretty damned good, but she wouldn’t stop playing with my ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biwumf/a_farmer_and_his_wife/
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My wife thinks porn is unrealistic

She said the pizza guys don’t come that fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biws54/my_wife_thinks_porn_is_unrealistic/
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I was never constipated as a kid

My dad would regularly beat the shit out of me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biwqtu/i_was_never_constipated_as_a_kid/
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I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells me that she’s always wanted to try something, and asks if I would do it with her. So I say, ya of course. She tells me to put her in her chair and roll her into the backyard, which I thought was a little weird, but I did, then she points at a big tree with some lower branches and tells me, I want you to fuck me while I’m hanging by my arms from that tree branch. I thought it was a weird request but I like new things so I agreed. So the lady is hanging there by here arms and I’m just pounding away and having a great time. All of a sudden I see headlights pull into the driveway! I asks her if she had a roommate or something. She said, no that just my husband!! Well I went into complete panic mode, put her little shirt and her tiny bottoms back on her and quickly rolling her back into the house. Right when we get inside the husband walks in and sees us both. I started to apologize and insisted I didn’t know she was married. I was getting prepared to get punched in my face but instead The husband reached out his arm to shake hands with me. So cautiously I grabbed his hand back and he tells me. “Oh man, I appreciate you being soo kind” I looked at him with a confused look on my face and he says “most men just leave her hanging in the tree”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biwqdl/i_was_at_the_bar_one_night_and_having_a_drink/
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A list of puns

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.
I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.
Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.
I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Nope. Unintended.
Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biwib2/a_list_of_puns/
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What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biwhg9/what_do_you_call_those_dead_pieces_of_green_stuff/
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I once had a very annoying conversation with a waiter in a restaurant about the wifi.

Turns out the password was "sorrysirwedonthavewifi"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biwgfq/i_once_had_a_very_annoying_conversation_with_a/
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Why is dark spelled with a "k" and not a "c"?

Because you cant "c" in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biwevu/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
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Was reminded my life was a joke when I asked a girl on a date and she said, “You remind me too much of the weekends....”

”Way too short and forgettable.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biwe61/was_reminded_my_life_was_a_joke_when_i_asked_a/
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“Dad, why is my sisters name Rose?”

“Because your mom loves roses.”
“Thanks dad!”
“You’re welcome BJ.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biwcdj/dad_why_is_my_sisters_name_rose/
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Why does Jesus have a problem with orgasms?

It’s been over 2000 years and he still hasn’t come again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biwc1g/why_does_jesus_have_a_problem_with_orgasms/
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Why you shouldn't be unfaithful.

A guy notices a hot chick giving him the eye in the supermarket. 'Do i know you?' he asks. She says 'Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?' He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful & says 'Were you the hooker I banged over the pool table at my buddy's party while your friend spanked me with a piece of wet celery and shoved that massive cucumber up my arse?' She stares at him & says: 'No. I'm your daughter's teacher'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biw94y/why_you_shouldnt_be_unfaithful/
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What do you call a Nazi leader who only listens to obscure bands?

Adolf Hipster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biw8a3/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_leader_who_only_listens/
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What's the definition of Necrophilia?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biw74k/whats_the_definition_of_necrophilia/
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An old Italian man lived alone in the country.

It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biw5jc/an_old_italian_man_lived_alone_in_the_country/
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A lady approaches her priest and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bivxja/a_lady_approaches_her_priest_and_tells_him/
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Helium walks into a bar. The bartender asks helium what he'll have...

Helium doesn't react

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bivsnc/helium_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_asks_helium/
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A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar.

The barman says "why the long phase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bivo0m/a_dangerous_surge_of_electricity_walks_into_a_bar/
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It's the new Seamans first day in the Navy assigned to a Submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bivke8/its_the_new_seamans_first_day_in_the_navy/
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BMW

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.  The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.  “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th.  I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop.  I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bivhge/bmw/
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I always thought I would discover my inner self through Eastern philosophy

Not through a piece of single-ply toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bivgic/i_always_thought_i_would_discover_my_inner_self/
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What happened when the cannibal arrived late to the cannibal dinner party?

They gave him the cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bivg5y/what_happened_when_the_cannibal_arrived_late_to/
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My friends kept offering me drugs

But when they gave me cocaine I had to draw the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bivcz9/my_friends_kept_offering_me_drugs/
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My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.”

He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biv347/my_grandpa_always_says_when_one_door_closes/
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Why do Native Americans hate April showers?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers and Mayflowers bring white people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biv0q1/why_do_native_americans_hate_april_showers/
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If you ask a Homosexual person about their orientation...

You won't get a *Straight* answer.
(I'll see myself out.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biv00x/if_you_ask_a_homosexual_person_about_their/
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Joke my wife groaned at while shopping together

Me: what do you want to look for in this store?
W: a cardigan
Me: you looked for a card already?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biuxru/joke_my_wife_groaned_at_while_shopping_together/
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My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100...

I lost Interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biuud2/my_girlfriend_borrowed_100_from_me_after_3years/
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If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on..

...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biut8l/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_i_didnt_know/
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The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings..

But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biut2l/the_vagina_has_more_than_8000_nerve_endings/
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Son asked his dad “Dad, what is an alcoholic?”

Dad replied “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.”
“Dad, I only see two trees”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biupmv/son_asked_his_dad_dad_what_is_an_alcoholic/
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god is waiting at the gates of heaven, and is waiting to give judgement to the next batch of people

the first man comes in. he is a priest. god asks "how did you die?" the man replies, "I was shot while I was having sex." god says that he can't have sex, being a priest and sworn to chastity, and god sends him to hell.
the second man appears. god asks "how did you die?" the man says "I killed myself out of guilt after I killed a priest that broke the vow of chastity." God thanks him for weeding out the heretic priest, but sends him to hell, as suicide is a sin in the catholic faith.
the third person comes through. a young boy. god asks "how did you die?" the boy replies "I choked on a penis." when god asks how, the boy replies "you need to do a better job of choosing who you want to lead congregations."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biudbv/god_is_waiting_at_the_gates_of_heaven_and_is/
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What's your favorite type of sandwich?

Mines an LGBT
Lettuce
Guacamole
Bacon
Tomato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biud2d/whats_your_favorite_type_of_sandwich/
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What do you call a nun that becomes a lawyer?

A sister in law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biucu4/what_do_you_call_a_nun_that_becomes_a_lawyer/
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My dog Minton just ate my shuttlecock

Bad Minton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biubjl/my_dog_minton_just_ate_my_shuttlecock/
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A thirsty man walks into a store...

He fancies a glass of wine, an older redheaded woman approaches him.
"Hello sir, how may I serve you?"
"I'm interested in a lean red with a delicate body and nice legs, something French might be nice."
The woman smiles, "Certainly sir, follow me and I'll see what I have in store"
The woman leads him past the counter and into a dimly lit back room. She shuts the door behind him and immediately disrobes.
"Gah, I, uh, wha...."
The woman replies, "Your first time in a brothel huh? Well if it helps your nerves there's a winery next door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biu7j7/a_thirsty_man_walks_into_a_store/
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One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light  and she chastises him for it.  Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"
They come up to another red light and the girl braces for impact, begging her friend not to speed through an active intersection, but Louie tells her he's seen his brother do it a million times and never get hurt.
Finally the girl and her friend are heading towards another red light at high speed, but it turns green at the very last moment and Louie SLAMS on the breaks to stop from going through the intersection.
"What the hell are you doing!?" the girl asked "this time the light was green!!"
"Yeah" Louie said "but my brother could be coming from the other side"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biu2sm/one_my_dad_taught_me_years_ago_couldnt_find_it/
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A dentist shoots a kid doing a fortnite dance.

"You're bleeding because you were flossing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biu03z/a_dentist_shoots_a_kid_doing_a_fortnite_dance/
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Why should you be suspicious of stairs?

They're always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bitwho/why_should_you_be_suspicious_of_stairs/
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What happens when you get a 69 on a test?

You get a D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bitvqq/what_happens_when_you_get_a_69_on_a_test/
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How can you tell the toothbrush was invented in the south?

Well, if it was invented in the north, it would be called the teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bittis/how_can_you_tell_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
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What do you call a cowboy comedian?

A punslinger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bitqmf/what_do_you_call_a_cowboy_comedian/
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Endgame spoiler!

Roses are red
Thor is fat
God of thunder plays fortnite and roasts children on voice chat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bitqit/endgame_spoiler/
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A Scottish guy phones in sick to work.

Boss ask's what is wrong Jimmy? Jimmy replies I have a wee cough.
Boss says you have a wee cough? Jimmy says thank you Boss I was only going to take one day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bitnj7/a_scottish_guy_phones_in_sick_to_work/
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If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Science Fiction is "Doctor Who."

But if I'm being completely objective... I'd say it's "Doctor Whom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bitncp/if_im_being_subjective_id_say_that_the_greatest/
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Camping. NSFW

Guy 1) So you’re out camping with all guys, one night you’re all partying around the fire and you wake up the next morning with your pants around your ankles and jizz coming out of your ass, do you tell anyone?
Guy 2) uhh no...
Guy 1) alright, wanna go camping??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bitl69/camping_nsfw/
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Why did Hitler rush to take over Russia

He didn't like stalin during war.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bitkmt/why_did_hitler_rush_to_take_over_russia/
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What do you call it when God impregnated Mary?

Holy fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bitkg1/what_do_you_call_it_when_god_impregnated_mary/
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The president was walking out of the White House...

The president was walking out of the White House heading towards his limo when a possible assassin jumps out and aims his gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”
This startled the would be assassin long enough to be captured.
Later the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks “What the hell made you shout ‘Mickey Mouse’?”
Blushing, the agent replied “I got nervous...I actually meant to shout...‘Donald, Duck!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bithxp/the_president_was_walking_out_of_the_white_house/
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Marvel endgame spoiler joke (roses are red)

Roses are red
Thor is fat
The god of thunder ends up playing fortnite and roasting children on voice chat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bitg9q/marvel_endgame_spoiler_joke_roses_are_red/
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My parents raised me genderneutral

This means now I can neither cook nor repair my bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bitg1o/my_parents_raised_me_genderneutral/
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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bitd9k/a_woman_decides_to_have_a_face_lift_for_her_50th/
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3 steps to disappointing everyone

1. Over promise
2. Under deliver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bisznr/3_steps_to_disappointing_everyone/
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Why is a bees hair sitcky?

Because it uses a honey comb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bisotf/why_is_a_bees_hair_sitcky/
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how many englishmen does it take to screw up a country?

about 51%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bisndu/how_many_englishmen_does_it_take_to_screw_up_a/
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A blind man walks into a bar.

Then a bus stop and a fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bisn2x/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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It’s my cake day so here’s a little cake joke for you all...

What do rat’s like to eat on their birthday?
Mice cream and cake
I’ll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bisgpx/its_my_cake_day_so_heres_a_little_cake_joke_for/
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At Polish man has an appointment at the oculist

The doctor shows him a sign:.
WYRZYKOWTACZ.
Doctor: "Could you read those letters?"
Polish patient: "Letters? I know that guy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bise0l/at_polish_man_has_an_appointment_at_the_oculist/
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I finally figured out that my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biscmw/i_finally_figured_out_that_my_wife_left_me/
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What’s the best part of an ISIS joke?

The execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bisc6g/whats_the_best_part_of_an_isis_joke/
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Two fish in a tank

One looks at the other and says "how the hell do we drive this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bisc0u/two_fish_in_a_tank/
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Whoever made the knock knock joke...

Should get a Nobell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bis5l9/whoever_made_the_knock_knock_joke/
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What do you call a philosopher who's banging a prostitute?

Someone who's deep in thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/birxgg/what_do_you_call_a_philosopher_whos_banging_a/
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My son got sent home for kissing a girl in his class...

I told him it has to stop before he runs out of schools he can teach at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/birvbx/my_son_got_sent_home_for_kissing_a_girl_in_his/
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Don't get confused between the testes and the urethra

There's a vas deferens between them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/birprz/dont_get_confused_between_the_testes_and_the/
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I can't stand working on roofs

Apparently I have truss issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/birl3t/i_cant_stand_working_on_roofs/
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Did you hear about the wheelchair basketball team that was banned from the Paralympics?

They all tested positive for WD-40!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/birg1v/did_you_hear_about_the_wheelchair_basketball_team/
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I got kicked out of karaoke night for singing Footloose 5 times in a row.

They said I exceeded my maximum attempts to Loggins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bira6d/i_got_kicked_out_of_karaoke_night_for_singing/
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I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bir8oa/i_cant_take_my_dog_to_the_park_anymore_because/
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Trump is doing a meet-and-greet at a crowded venue

and his security detail is being extra watchful. One of them is a new guy and he’s extra jumpy.
Suddenly, a gunman bursts from the crowd, aiming his weapon at the President. Pandemonium ensues. The rookie bodyguard screams “Mickey Mouse!!!” at the top of his voice and this startles the would be assassin to the point that his aim is off and the shot goes over Trump’s head.
Some bodyguards wrestle the assailant to the ground, while others hustle the President to safety. Disaster averted.
Later, during debriefing, the head of the security detail congratulates the rookie. Without his quick thinking, he tells him, the President might very well be dead.
“But I’m puzzled” he said. “Why on earth would you yell Mickey Mouse?”
“I’m new”, explained the rookie, sheepishly. “I panicked. I meant to yell Donald! Duck!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bir6t5/trump_is_doing_a_meetandgreet_at_a_crowded_venue/
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A rope walks into a bar and asks for a pint

the bartender replies "I don't serve ropes, you'll have to leave". The rope leaves determined to get served. He ties himself up, ruffles his hair and tries again. "Are you the rope i just threw out?"
Rope says "I'm a frayed knot mate".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bir5g9/a_rope_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_pint/
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Three blonds decide to go hunting.

Eventually, they come across some tracks. One blond says they're bear tracks. Another calls her an idiot, claiming they're clearly deer tracks. The third blond is really regretting this trip, she can see they've circled back upon their own tracks, and are now lost. The argument was just getting heated when the train hit em!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bir4bv/three_blonds_decide_to_go_hunting/
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Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”
The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”
Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes back in reply. “You change your course, sir.”
The captain is now furious. “I’m a battleship!” he signals. “I’m not changing course for anything.”
He receives one final call, stating, “Well, I’m a lighthouse, so it’s your call.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bir35b/looking_out_into_the_pitchblack_night_a_sea/
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Almost made a joke about an amphetamine addict with a lisp...

But that’s methed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bir2hc/almost_made_a_joke_about_an_amphetamine_addict/
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The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bir1b8/the_only_person_that_keeps_me_from_commiting/
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A kid asks his mom how was I born

The mother replys well me and your dad took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took good care of it. After some time a plant came out of the ground and started growing leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and smoked them and then we got so high that we fucked with out a condom. And that's how you where born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biqzf8/a_kid_asks_his_mom_how_was_i_born/
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A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he’d like something tall, icy, and full of vodka.

The bartender holds up his finger for the man to wait a minute and yells into the back room, “Hey Tiffany, someone is here looking for you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biqndu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_tells_the_bartender/
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I keep trying to leave Rome...

But all the roads have this weird thing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biqkmc/i_keep_trying_to_leave_rome/
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If my ceiling fan could hold my weight...

I wouldn’t spend so much time on Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biqjrj/if_my_ceiling_fan_could_hold_my_weight/
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A drunk man falls down the front steps of the W Hotel in New York.

He lands at the feet of a cab driver waiting for his next fare. The drunk man stands up and says, “Take me to the W Hotel!”
The cabby looks at the drunk man and tells him, “Buddy, you’re at the W Hotel.”
Perfect,” the man says, handing the driver a twenty-dollar bill, “but next time don’t drive so fast.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biqijd/a_drunk_man_falls_down_the_front_steps_of_the_w/
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What did the Velcro inventor’s grave say?

RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biqihg/what_did_the_velcro_inventors_grave_say/
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Persian carpet

An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around, spots a beautiful rug, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Flustered, she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"
"Madam," he answers, "If you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biqd5y/persian_carpet/
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What did one plank say to the other?

I'm board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biqbq7/what_did_one_plank_say_to_the_other/
%
Why’s lithium illegal?

Because it’s a salt and battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biq9ka/whys_lithium_illegal/
%
What's Hodor's favorite breakfast cereal?

Raisin Bran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biq5k6/whats_hodors_favorite_breakfast_cereal/
%
My friend told me that avengers endgame is twenty second film in the series.

It sure felt longer than that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biq4mz/my_friend_told_me_that_avengers_endgame_is_twenty/
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One day Putin summons the ghost of Stalin.

Putin asks, "Why is everything here so bad? What should I do?"
“Execute the entire government and paint the Kremlin blue,” says Stalin.
“Why blue?” asks a perplexed Putin.
“I had a feeling you would only want to discuss the second part,” Stalin says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biq1ak/one_day_putin_summons_the_ghost_of_stalin/
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What’s the best way to describe your Dad?

A motherfucker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biq00u/whats_the_best_way_to_describe_your_dad/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink

He notices that pieces of meat were nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the bartender about it.
Bartender says "if you can jump and grab one, I'll get you a free beer. If you can't then you'll have to pay 100$. Wanna try?"
The man thinks for a moment then says "nah! The steaks are too high"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bipz3c/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
%
It's not good to joke about molestation...

It's a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bipx70/its_not_good_to_joke_about_molestation/
%
There are 2 types of people in this world

1. Those that are worth mentioning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bipvmq/there_are_2_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
When the Hulk goes into an uncontrollable fit of rage he's "incredible"

When I do it I'm an "alcoholic"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bipuzu/when_the_hulk_goes_into_an_uncontrollable_fit_of/
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My friend asked me to go to an air blowing convention...

But I’m not really a fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bipupn/my_friend_asked_me_to_go_to_an_air_blowing/
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What's Irish and comes out in the springtime?

Paddy O'Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bips37/whats_irish_and_comes_out_in_the_springtime/
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Rick, can I please get my copy of 'Up' back?

Rick Astley: No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bipipb/rick_can_i_please_get_my_copy_of_up_back/
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What's an informal relationship from Alabama?

Twins with benefits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bipcpp/whats_an_informal_relationship_from_alabama/
%
James Charles has just created a large and complex theory regarding the origins of the universe.

*And thats the-sis*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bip7wa/james_charles_has_just_created_a_large_and/
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My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don’t worry.

I’ll return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bip50e/my_wife_has_kicked_me_out_of_the_house_because_of/
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Man calls his boss and says "I can't come in today, I'm sick"

"How sick are you?" His boss asks.
"I've just fucked my sister, sick enough for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bioyg4/man_calls_his_boss_and_says_i_cant_come_in_today/
%
What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

They both love cracking open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biovij/what_do_necrophiliacs_and_alcoholics_have_in/
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A doctor is talking to one of his patients

Doctor: "Who's your favorite rapper?"
Boy: "Eminem!"
Doctor: "Would you like to meet him someday?"
Boy: "Of course!"
Doctor: "Well he's busy right now but you'll meet tupac soon!"
Boy: "But he's dead..."
Doctor: "I know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biojqv/a_doctor_is_talking_to_one_of_his_patients/
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Can we ban “Yo Momma” jokes from this subreddit? They’re old, stupid, and have been done by literally thousands of people.

Just like Yo Momma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biogmk/can_we_ban_yo_momma_jokes_from_this_subreddit/
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A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife.
He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biocag/a_blind_man_walks_into_the_restaurant/
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Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bio42f/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
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My wife complains that I don't buy her flowers

In all honesty, I didn't know she sold flowers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bio1xc/my_wife_complains_that_i_dont_buy_her_flowers/
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My wife left me because I'm so insecure.

No wait, she was just out getting coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bio1e5/my_wife_left_me_because_im_so_insecure/
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3 men died and they come to gates of heaven...

St. Peter asks the first one: "How many times did you cheat your wife?"
The man says: " Many times, about 15"
St. Peter gives him keys of an old VW Golf IV and lets him into heaven
He asks the second man the same thing: "How many times did you cheat your wife?"
The second man says: " Only twice and i regret it"
St. Peter gives him keys of a new Bmw 320d and lets him into heaven
And finaly he asks the third man: "How many times did you cheat your wife?"
The third man says: "Never, i was loyal to my wife all my life and never thought of cheating her!"
St. Peter gives him keys of a new Lamborghini and lets him into heaven.
After few days the third man bumps into the other two and they ask him : "Why are you sad, you're driving a Lamborghini?"
He says: "I just saw my wife...in an old Lada samara"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/binz4a/3_men_died_and_they_come_to_gates_of_heaven/
%
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for his first class, 8 minutes late for his second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/binz4e/my_calculus_professor_was_16_minutes_late_for_his/
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What is the difference between a Russian funeral and a Russian wedding?

At the start of a funeral there's already one person who has drunk themselves to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/binut3/what_is_the_difference_between_a_russian_funeral/
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Premature ejaculator seeks beautiful woman with large breasts, round ass, and

Ohhhhhh never mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/binu8x/premature_ejaculator_seeks_beautiful_woman_with/
%
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.

The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/binttr/a_russian_a_frenchman_and_an_englishman_are_in_an/
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In spite of all our disagreements about what is and what isn't funny on /r/Jokes, I’m really glad...

That everyone reading this is on the same page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bint4l/in_spite_of_all_our_disagreements_about_what_is/
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A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral.

A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/binsnq/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_recently_deceased/
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WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet   for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and graduating from Cambridge in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's  leading law firms. They live in a house in Chelsea, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Italy.
Sue relates that she graduated from St Thomas' and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading City investment banker. They live Kensington and have a second home in Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Ilford and grow their own vegetables.
Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his  penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier in Asda. They live in a small apartment in Barking and have a caravan at Southend.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses in a retirement home.
They live in Tower Hamlets and go on camping trips.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bini8i/why_people_hate_school_reunions/
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sea

When you swim in the sea, and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
When your eyes glass over and shine like you’ve broken your spine, that’s a moray.
The ambulance bells will ring, and they’ll ting
And you’ll siiiiing
“That’s a moray”
When the jaws open wide and there’s more teeth inside, that’s a moray.
When your wounds filled with drool and you’re not feeling so cool
That’s a moray.
That’s a moray
(A moray)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bingqn/sea/
%
I call my dick a camel..

2 humps and it spits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bingp2/i_call_my_dick_a_camel/
%
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall to her..

I said maybe..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bindsz/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."
Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too  and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."
Sylvester says, "Let us hear it."
So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers."
That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bind7v/sylvester_stallone_chuck_norris_and_arnold/
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I bought a dictionary but the pages are all blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/binbo0/i_bought_a_dictionary_but_the_pages_are_all_blank/
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A teacher asked her students: “when you go to heaven, which part of your spiritual body goes first?”

Little Anna raised her finger.
“Yes Anna?”
“I think the hands go first”, she said.
“Why is that?”, asked the teacher.
“Because, when people pray, they raise their hands towards the sky. It seems only right that God takes them by the hands and lifts them to heaven.”
“Thank you Anna, that seems a very logical theory.”, the teacher said, clearly impressed.
“Teacher, I don’t think Anna is right. I think the feet go first”, another student responded.
“Why is that Johnny?”, asked the teacher.
“Well yesterday I walked into my parents bedroom and I saw my mother lying down on the bed with her legs up as she yelled ‘God, I’m coming’. Luckily my father lay on her, or she would be gone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bin8rk/a_teacher_asked_her_students_when_you_go_to/
%
Why are old men given Viagra in the nursing home?

So they don't roll out of bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bin7cs/why_are_old_men_given_viagra_in_the_nursing_home/
%
What do you call a werewolf on YouTube?

A Lycansubscribe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bin4kx/what_do_you_call_a_werewolf_on_youtube/
%
(My wife is pregnant)

Doctor: We have big news for your baby.
Wife: Wow! Just don’t tell us the gender, we want to keep it a surprise!
Doctor: Haha, well, ‘it’ is not breathing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bin4du/my_wife_is_pregnant/
%
Why can't a bike stand on its own?

Because it is two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bin292/why_cant_a_bike_stand_on_its_own/
%
Theresa May walks into a bar.

The bartender groans, knowing she'll never fucking leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bimw7e/theresa_may_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A patient walks into his Doctor’s office and asks “I’ve been having this really bad pain in my back and money is kinda tight at the moment. Can you recommend any natural healing agents? Perhaps even meditation?”

The doctor replies “sorry sir, I’m just not sha-man.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bimnem/a_patient_walks_into_his_doctors_office_and_asks/
%
A russian man is walking down the street

. He sees his friend Vladislav walking on the other side of the street. Waving his hand he shouts:
What is love!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bimhxi/a_russian_man_is_walking_down_the_street/
%
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bimf9r/three_guys_are_walking_through_the_woods_when/
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I applied for a job as a yoga teacher

"Are you flexible?"
"Well I can't do tuesdays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bimdoy/i_applied_for_a_job_as_a_yoga_teacher/
%
How often are women grumpy and irritable?

Periodically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bimdk9/how_often_are_women_grumpy_and_irritable/
%
Why did the heterosexual guy agree to go out with a guy?

It was a mandate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bimdcw/why_did_the_heterosexual_guy_agree_to_go_out_with/
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I only go for women that smoke.

Because I know they’re prepared to make bad decisions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bimc0t/i_only_go_for_women_that_smoke/
%
How do you turn a pot of soup into a pot of gold?

You add carrots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bim8et/how_do_you_turn_a_pot_of_soup_into_a_pot_of_gold/
%
A woman is walking home with her 3 daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her mother and asks  "How did I get my name mummy?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal fell on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.”
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal fell on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."
The third girl asks "fhsjdjffj dhshdjfskvmdn dhajfskfndj"
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bim715/a_woman_is_walking_home_with_her_3_daughters/
%
What did the Allied forces call the German army as it retreated at the end of WWII?

A receding herr line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bim6ix/what_did_the_allied_forces_call_the_german_army/
%
What is the lightest thing in the world?

A penis. It can be lifted by a mere thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bim60w/what_is_the_lightest_thing_in_the_world/
%
Bro, I just watched avengers endgame, wanna hear a spoiler?

"Okay, tell me I'm not scared."
"I saw your girlfriend with someone else in the theater."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bim2zw/bro_i_just_watched_avengers_endgame_wanna_hear_a/
%
A man walked into a pub...

He asked for a beer and sat down to drink. A minute later, a man came and sat next to him and introduced himself as Jerry. Jerry asked the man if he wanted to hear a story. The man nodded in reply. ‘I built this pub’, Jerry started, ‘with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the pub builder? No. You see that pier that people are fishing on?‘ The man nodded. ‘I built that with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the pier builder? No. You see that patch on the roof?‘ The man nodded again. ‘A tree fell through the original roof, and left a hole, and I fixed it with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the roof fixer? No. But you fuck one goat...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bilwm1/a_man_walked_into_a_pub/
%
German Knock Knock Joke

Knock Knock
Who's there?
The Gestapo
The Gestapo wh-
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bilv30/german_knock_knock_joke/
%
My sisters so rude...

Yesterday I was just minding my own business and she asks me
"Hey can you tell me what a lake in a desert is?"
Startled, I ignored her question and quickly said
"Oh hey sis!"
And then she just said thanks and left. I can't believe some girls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bilrqw/my_sisters_so_rude/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone said money isn't that important

I'd eventually agree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/billj3/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_said/
%
what do you call 64 Americans in a room?

1 whole Cherokee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bilfj2/what_do_you_call_64_americans_in_a_room/
%
How did the gummy bear lose his leg?

He lost it in nom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bilb3x/how_did_the_gummy_bear_lose_his_leg/
%
I recently came into a lot of money...

And now my wallets all sticky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bil6nz/i_recently_came_into_a_lot_of_money/
%
This is a funny joke my old boss told me a while back

What do you call a Frenchmen wearing sandals?
Phillipe phillope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bikwbw/this_is_a_funny_joke_my_old_boss_told_me_a_while/
%
No one needs to spoil DC movies

Them bitches come out spoiled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bikstp/no_one_needs_to_spoil_dc_movies/
%
What type of weather do fishermen prefer?

When it is *Overcast* out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biknhb/what_type_of_weather_do_fishermen_prefer/
%
A girl once told me it always seems like men share one brain.

I couldn’t think of a good comeback since it wasn’t my turn to use the brain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bik9ii/a_girl_once_told_me_it_always_seems_like_men/
%
What's the best flower for a boy to give for Mother's day?

Son-flowers of course!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bik5cp/whats_the_best_flower_for_a_boy_to_give_for/
%
What do you call a spider with a big dick?

Daddy nine legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bijukz/what_do_you_call_a_spider_with_a_big_dick/
%
You hear about the new fruit spread with tiny pieces of asteroid in it.

I believe it's called space jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bijtg0/you_hear_about_the_new_fruit_spread_with_tiny/
%
Did you hear about the criminal who pickpocketed the dwarf?

How could they stoop so low?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bijqjj/did_you_hear_about_the_criminal_who_pickpocketed/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.
The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.
The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challenges, you can take that jar home with you. But you may not learn of the challenges until you've put your bill in the jar."
The man is intrigued at that point, and, having confidence in himself, he drops a 10 dollar bill into the jar.
The bartender then says, "Alright, here are your challenges. First, you must drink an entire liter of pepper tequilla, and you can not drop a single tear or make a face while doing so."
"Next, there is an angry pitbull chained in the back of the bar with a sore tooth. You must pull that tooth out with your bare hands and bring it here back to me."
"For your final task, there is an old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You have to have intercourse with her, and make sure she climaxes."
The man is stunned, he cannot ever imagine drinking an entire liter of pepper tequilla in a single sitting. But, after a few beers, he has loosened up enough and accepts the challenge.
The bartender goes into the back room and comes out with a liter of pepper tequilla. The man takes it, and with every single ounce of his perseverence and self control, he swallows every drop of the pepper tequilla without making a single face or dropping a single tear.
Once he finishes, he slams the empty bottle on the ground in victory and stumbles over to the pitbull in the back, closing the door behind him.
Everyone in the bar is listening closely, and they hear the man shouting and yelling, while the pitbull is going absolutely mad growling and barking.
Everything from outside falls silent for a moment, and just when everyone thought he had been killed, the man barges back into the bar, with all of his clothes ripped up and scratches covering him from head to toe.
"NOW," he says, "Where is that old woman with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bijfxs/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_jar_of_10/
%
An Indian tribe captured three men and told them all to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they don’t they’ll kill them.

Tom comes back with 10 apples, and the tribe members told him to put all of them in his ass without making a sound or they’ll kill him, after the second apple he screamed and they killed him. The next man came back with 10 grapes...8..9.. still counting up then he laughed and they killed him. Up in heaven the first man asked the second man why he laughed if he almost lived and then he told him he saw the third man come back with fucking pineapples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bijfvj/an_indian_tribe_captured_three_men_and_told_them/
%
Son: Mom, I'm cold.

Mom: Than go and stand in the corner
Son: Why in the corner ?
Mom: Because in the corner it's always 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bijd2j/son_mom_im_cold/
%
Pickup line: Are you fucking retarded?

Because you seem very special

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bijbg9/pickup_line_are_you_fucking_retarded/
%
Do ants have dicks?

No cause then they’d be uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bijbej/do_ants_have_dicks/
%
I was gonna make a joke about La Croix

But it would be tasteless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bij9qp/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_about_la_croix/
%
I called my boss and said “I’ve got anal glaucoma”. He asked “what is that?”

I told him that I can’t see my ass coming to work today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bij7ka/i_called_my_boss_and_said_ive_got_anal_glaucoma/
%
The Man and the IRS

So an older gentleman received a phone call by the IRS, being notified about large sums of money going in and out of his account. He was told to be at the office first thing Monday morning. He thought to himself “Well if this is what I think it is, I better lawyer up.”
Sure enough he got a lawyer and was there Monday morning. The guy from the IRS went through the details and asked if the gentleman was aware of the transactions. Here’s the conversation.
Gentleman: “Yeah I do a little gambling here and there.”
IRS: “With this big of an amount of money?”
Gentleman: “Sure. Here I’ll make you a bet. I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my own eye.”
With that being said, the guy from the IRS took the bet knowing he couldn’t do it. The gentleman then pulled out his glass eye, and bit it.
Gentleman: “Now don’t worry, I’m gonna give you a chance to make your money back, and even a little more. I’ll bet you $10,000 that I can bite my other eye.”
The guy from the IRS saw no seeing eye dog, and saw no stick for the blind, so he knew for sure this was a sure win.
IRS: “You’ve got yourself a deal”
The gentleman then takes his dentures out and bites his other eye.
Gentleman: “Now now don’t be upset. I’m gonna give you a chance to make your money back, and even a little more. I’ll bet you $20,000 that from the other side of your desk, I can go to the bathroom and make all of my urine end up in your trash can, not a drop anywhere else.”
The IRS guy knew for sure that he couldn’t do that. So he took this bet knowing he’d made $20,000.
IRS: “You’re on old man! There’s no chance in hell you can do that!”
The gentleman then proceeds to urinate all over the IRS guys desk. As he jumps up and down in joy because he won the bet.
IRS: “You lose! You owe me $20,000!!!”
While celebrating, the IRS guy couldn’t help but notice gentleman’s lawyer, who was sitting there shaking his head in shame.
IRS: “What’s your problem?”
Lawyer: “He bet me $100,000 on the way here that he could piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bij6iq/the_man_and_the_irs/
%
How can you tell if a person doesn’t care about Endgame?

Don’t worry, they’ll make sure you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bij5dg/how_can_you_tell_if_a_person_doesnt_care_about/
%
The ‘w’ in Africa stands for water

There is none

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bij5b0/the_w_in_africa_stands_for_water/
%
Reddit is just like real life.

I tried to view r/dadjokes, but Reddit said it was temporarily unvailable because it went out for a pack of cigarettes.
I'm sure it'll be back soon, right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bij2a3/reddit_is_just_like_real_life/
%
What do you call a person who looks after cows?

It's not shepherd, it's coward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bij1pa/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_looks_after_cows/
%
What is 15-year-old Hitler's favorite video game?

Meincraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bij0r9/what_is_15yearold_hitlers_favorite_video_game/
%
Please God, let me have some Japanese noodles.

Ramen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biizqt/please_god_let_me_have_some_japanese_noodles/
%
My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in the city.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biixlg/my_13_year_old_son_was_victim_of_a_stabbing_in/
%
There's this guy who wants to become a train conducter

He goes to school and eventually manages to land a really good job testing an experimental train.
So he gets into work for his first day and gets on the train. They get going and everything's running smoothly until he crashes the train, killing one person.
He goes to court and is sentenced to death by electric chair. Once they bring him into the execution chamber, the executioner asks him what he wants for his last meal and he asks for one banana. The executioner gets the guy his one banana, he eats it, and then they strap him in and flip the switch. Nothing happens. In this town, there's a law that if an execution fails, then it's seen as an act of God and the person is set free. So they let him go.
Somehow, even after his horrible accident, this guy manages to get another job as a conducter. He crashes the train again, this time killing 10 people. Once again, he is sentenced to death and when it comes time to execute him, the executioner asks what he wants for his last meal. This time he asks for 10 bananas. The executioner gets him his 10 bananas and after he's done eating, flips the switch. Nothing happens. Once again, they let him go.
Now don't ask me how, but even after crashing twice, he *still* gets another job as a conductor. Things are fine for a while, but eventually he crashes again, this time killing 100 people. He get's sentenced to death again, and when asked what he wants for his last meal, asks for 100 bananas.
"Now hold on," the executioner says, "the first time you were here you killed one person, ate one banana, and survived. The second time you were here you killed ten people, ate ten bananas, and survived. This is too suspiscious, I'm not giving you 100 bananas." So the executioner straps him in, flips the switch, and...
Nothing happens.
"WHAT THE HELL!" the executioner shouts.
The guy replies, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it, I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biiviq/theres_this_guy_who_wants_to_become_a_train/
%
Three guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes, but no lighter or matches to light them with. What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
(Not my joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biiqcb/three_guys_are_on_a_boat_and_they_have_4/
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A guy walks into the bar

He pulls out his gun and shoots a round into the ceiling. That's to get the attention of the guy that slept with my wife.
A voice in the back replied, you're gonna need a lot more bullets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biipr7/a_guy_walks_into_the_bar/
%
I just found out that "aargh” is not a real word

I cannot express how angry that makes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biimzc/i_just_found_out_that_aargh_is_not_a_real_word/
%
I used to work at a start up mint

It was sort of confusing to me.
But now it makes all the cents in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biimmj/i_used_to_work_at_a_start_up_mint/
%
I just got scammed out of $10.

I bought a Tiger Woods DVD called “My Favorite 18 Holes.” Apparently it’s about golf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biikko/i_just_got_scammed_out_of_10/
%
What looks like a nut and sounds like a sneeze?

Cashew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biihuq/what_looks_like_a_nut_and_sounds_like_a_sneeze/
%
What do you call 52 pieces of bread?

A deck of carbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biihhc/what_do_you_call_52_pieces_of_bread/
%
Upvotes are like a Russian tank turret.

More protection, less depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bii8dg/upvotes_are_like_a_russian_tank_turret/
%
Two fishes are in a tank,

one says to the other: "How do we drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bii4il/two_fishes_are_in_a_tank/
%
A man at a bar fell off his chair

The man tried to stand up but couldn't,
He thought he must just be drunk and some air would help so crawled outside,
When outside he tried to stand but couldn't,
He thought he must just be tired so crawled 5 miles home and went to sleep in his bed,
In the morning he woke up and he tried to stand but couldn't
His wife turned to him, laughed and said
You've left your wheelchair at the bar again haven't you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bii4gf/a_man_at_a_bar_fell_off_his_chair/
%
Australians don’t have sex

they mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bii39n/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
If someone took away a dollar every time a girl found me attractive.

They’d eventually find me unattractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bihypu/if_someone_took_away_a_dollar_every_time_a_girl/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone reposted a joke on this sub

They would eventually find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bihxhi/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_reposted/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bihw3e/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
There was a recent test of one man's super powers...

He was found to be cape able.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bihub9/there_was_a_recent_test_of_one_mans_super_powers/
%
Man says to his boss “Can we talk? I have a problem.”

Boss says “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”
Man says “Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bihtjm/man_says_to_his_boss_can_we_talk_i_have_a_problem/
%
What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bihrb8/what_did_one_elevator_say_to_the_other/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

No pubic hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bihqwr/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
What do you call a bagel with wings?

A plane bagel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bihn2y/what_do_you_call_a_bagel_with_wings/
%
Blonde is driving a car

*Police pulls her over*
*Police walks to blondes car, opens door and pulls out the dick*
Blonde says: "Damn, that alcohol test again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bihgjz/blonde_is_driving_a_car/
%
So stephen hawking walks in a bar

Just kidding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bihg2m/so_stephen_hawking_walks_in_a_bar/
%
My girlfriend does not like that I debate and back my shit up.

Do you know where I can get a plunger?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bih7k8/my_girlfriend_does_not_like_that_i_debate_and/
%
Why are anti-vaxxers spelled with two x's instead of two c's?

The x's are for the eyes of their children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bih6rv/why_are_antivaxxers_spelled_with_two_xs_instead/
%
I'm so gay

, JK Rowling actually just revealed I was straight all along

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bigtza/im_so_gay/
%
Gay jokes aren’t funny...

cum on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bigtan/gay_jokes_arent_funny/
%
How do you know a joke isn't a repost?

When it doesn't reach the front page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bigock/how_do_you_know_a_joke_isnt_a_repost/
%
What’s the difference between necrophilia and old people fetish?

A couple of weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bigkpm/whats_the_difference_between_necrophilia_and_old/
%
One time last year when I was in Baltimore out late, I got jumped by three big black guys.

They were real nice, car started right up with no problems, and they even helped me get back to the interstate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bigi8d/one_time_last_year_when_i_was_in_baltimore_out/
%
Why did the guy ask for his girlfriend's hand in marriage?

He was tired of using his own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bigi47/why_did_the_guy_ask_for_his_girlfriends_hand_in/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
**your mom**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bigf2d/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
Chevrolet is about to introduce another fully electric car

Many people think it's great but others think it's just re-Volting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bigblb/chevrolet_is_about_to_introduce_another_fully/
%
A Sunday school teacher asked her class to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each of them what they had found.

Susie said, “He was placed in a manger.”
Bobby said, “He threw money changers out of the temple.”
Little Johnny said, “He has a pick-up truck but doesn’t know how to drive it.”
Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you find that?”
“From my daddy.” He replied. “Yesterday, we were driving down the highway, and this red pick-up truck pulled out in front of us and daddy yelled at him,
‘Jesus Christ, why don’t you learn how to drive!’ “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biga2x/a_sunday_school_teacher_asked_her_class_to_learn/
%
A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

Sent from my iPhone XI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/big9wv/a_guy_from_apple_promised_me_a_prerelease_of_a/
%
Why did Thor's butt hurt when he fell down?

He didn't have his Asgard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/big5mn/why_did_thors_butt_hurt_when_he_fell_down/
%
A hotdog walks into a bar

the bartender says, “we don’t serve food here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/big4vu/a_hotdog_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I recently found out that wheat in Alabama

is actually in-bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/big2tv/i_recently_found_out_that_wheat_in_alabama/
%
What do you call an owl fart?

A hoot.
* Courtesy of my wife, we laughed her head off.
My answer was: a fowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/big0fo/what_do_you_call_an_owl_fart/
%
Admin : Adds Erica to the group.

David: Hi Erica welcome to the group.
Erica: Hi guys, I am new to the city.
Sam: Hi Erica don’t worry, I am here, any problems I will be the solution.
Kevin: Hi Erica. Tell me if you have any problem, I will arrange a solution for you.
Kyle: Hi Erica, if you need anything tell me, it will be arranged.
George: Hi Erica my brother is in the city, any problem I will manage it for you.
Erica: Thanks guys for your support.
Joseph: Erica what’s your full name.
Erica: Eric Andrews.
Joseph left
Sam left
Kyle left
David left
George left
Kevin left
Admin left...
Erica is admin now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bify3y/admin_adds_erica_to_the_group/
%
What do you call a boner at a funeral

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bifqtr/what_do_you_call_a_boner_at_a_funeral/
%
I just learned that a dentist a block away from me was arrested for dealing drugs.

Shows you how little I actually know about people. I have been going to him for 10 years and never knew he was a dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bifo11/i_just_learned_that_a_dentist_a_block_away_from/
%
The police knocked on my door and said open up.

So I told them my dad didn’t hug me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bifik5/the_police_knocked_on_my_door_and_said_open_up/
%
I was at a job interview with the least imaginative panel.

I mean in what twisted world does being abducted by aliens not count as an experience!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bifhz9/i_was_at_a_job_interview_with_the_least/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bifgo0/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
A submarine is following its course, when the alarm goes off...

Everyone starts panicking, except for James. He is known for being the funniest among the recruits and he always lights up the mood, even in critical situations.
"What is going on?" he asks.
"We are about to crash, you imbecile! Go help Smith, quick!"
"Wanna hear a funny joke first?"
"Wha- NO! Just GO! Move, move!"
A bit sad, James calmly walks around until he reaches Smith.
"Thank God you're here, I need your help!"
"What is going on?" James asks again.
"There are multiple obstacles in front of us. Their upper parts are stronger, so the ideal scenario would be to carefully maneuver around them and maybe graze the bottom part of just a few of them, since it is weaker. If we manage to sink quickly enough we might make it!"
"Got it! Wanna hear a joke first?"
"No, now it's not the time, James"
Not wanting to take no for an answer again, he tells the joke anyway, and they both start laughing hysterically, which makes it impossible to perform the delicate maneuver.
All the other alarms go off, the officer rushes in and finds both James and Smith rolling on the floor in tears.
"I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY NOW!" he shouts. "Thanks to this joke, this sub will hit the top of all today".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bife1a/a_submarine_is_following_its_course_when_the/
%
Anti vaxxing children

Anti vax children aren’t stupid, they just prefer free trials. Of everything. Including life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bifaax/anti_vaxxing_children/
%
If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't know what was going on

I'd wonder where all these nickels are coming from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bif9e9/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_everytime_i_didnt_know_what/
%
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bif8xz/what_do_you_call_security_guards_working_outside/
%
Police officer: So where did the hacker go?

Me : I don't know he just ransomware

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bif38x/police_officer_so_where_did_the_hacker_go/
%
A Shetland Pony goes to the Doctor and says, "Doctor, I don't feel well."

The Doctor says, "Open your mouth, stick out your tongue and say AAAHHH."
The Shetland Pony obliges. He opens his mouth, sticks out his tongue and with a raspy croaky voice says AAAHHH.
The Doctor says, "There's no need to worry.  You're just a little hoarse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biey3p/a_shetland_pony_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says/
%
I was attacked by a group of mimes

..............they did unspeakable things to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biexlb/i_was_attacked_by_a_group_of_mimes/
%
What’s a duck’s favourite drug?

Quack cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biepq3/whats_a_ducks_favourite_drug/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I heard "If I had a dollar" jokes...

I could pay someone to write better material

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biecrw/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_heard_if_i_had/
%
Not a chance

Today I asked my daughter to hand me the newspaper. She started about how old-fashioned I am and that everyone uses a tablet now. Well, I listened to her.
And I have to admit...that annoying fly did not have a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biecdu/not_a_chance/
%
A woman was charged and went to court for beating her husband with his guitar collection

The judge spoke saying "first offender" when the women chimed in saying "no, first a Gibson,then a Fender"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bie9cr/a_woman_was_charged_and_went_to_court_for_beating/
%
You’re riding a horse, a lion is chasing you & there’s a giraffe next to you, what do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carrousel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bie7tq/youre_riding_a_horse_a_lion_is_chasing_you_theres/
%
So a vowel saves another vowel’s life.

The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bie5e3/so_a_vowel_saves_another_vowels_life/
%
If I had a dollar for everytime some one complained about monopoly addiction

I could put a hotel on all my properties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bie4v3/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_everytime_some_one/
%
It's been 4 years since my job interview.

I'm beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bie0oi/its_been_4_years_since_my_job_interview/
%
An Atheist Dies and Goes to Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell.
The devil receives him and says, "Welcome to hell, my friend. I guess they have told you lots of awful things about this place, but it’s all BS. Relax, take a look around and you’ll see that this is not such a bad place."
Atheist takes a look around and finds that, indeed, hell is not so different from life on earth, and one gets to meet many interesting people there.
But then one day he comes upon a part of hell that is like what they frighten (or used to frighten) kids in Catechism with, souls being tormented by fire and all that stuff.
Deeply shocked and frightened, he goes to the devil and asks him what is going on. Devil says: "Ah, that. It’s the section for the Christians. Crazy folks, they want to have it that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bidytw/an_atheist_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bidts9/i_lent_a_hot_girl_my_umbrella_yesterday/
%
I asked my friend if he wanted to go see the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.

He said, “Sure, but we need to get tickets. Can you do the Fandango?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bidspc/i_asked_my_friend_if_he_wanted_to_go_see_the/
%
What is a Jehovahs Witness favorite band?

The Doors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bidre9/what_is_a_jehovahs_witness_favorite_band/
%
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
' Oh my God – Hurry!  Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband's home early!'
' I can't jump out the window, it's raining out there!'
' If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied, ' he's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity,  jogged closer.
‘Do you always run in the nude?' one asked .
' Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air, ' it feels so wonderfully free!’
Another runner moved along side, ' Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
' Oh, yes,' our friend answered breathlessly, ' that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ' Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
‘ Nope . . . just when it's raining.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bidmum/a_woman_was_having_a_daytime_affair_while_her/
%
What is a penis?

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know."
At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis.  As a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bidm8n/what_is_a_penis/
%
Money doesn’t buy happiness.

But somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Lamborghini than a bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bidli6/money_doesnt_buy_happiness/
%
If I had twenty dollars for every macklemore song I know

I'd have 20 dollars in my pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bidlbb/if_i_had_twenty_dollars_for_every_macklemore_song/
%
My wife started getting into bodybuilding but I had to immediately divorce her

She took "cheat days" way too literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biddm9/my_wife_started_getting_into_bodybuilding_but_i/
%
I still love that ''Hungry-Hungry Hippo'' Game.

What other game lets you slap something on the butt to open its mouth and swallow balls?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bid4su/i_still_love_that_hungryhungry_hippo_game/
%
A ship is navigating along the Mediterranean coastline through some thick fog...

One of the crew members approaches the captain. "Sir I think we made a wrong turn and were heading downriver though Egypt."
"Egypt?" The captain ponders over his charts for a moment before shaking his head "No no, I think were definitely on course"
The crew member shrugs and returns to his post.
"What did he say?" Another crew member asks him.
"Well, he says were still on course, but hes definitely in denial."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bid1yo/a_ship_is_navigating_along_the_mediterranean/
%
What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bicyfc/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
The Pacific ocean has a rating of 3.5 stars on Google maps.

Who the fuck is downvoting the ocean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bicwpu/the_pacific_ocean_has_a_rating_of_35_stars_on/
%
A boy asked his uncle, “why did you plant a walnut tree when I was born?”

“Well,” The uncle replied, “I figure you’d both take about 13 years to start nutting”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bicvsf/a_boy_asked_his_uncle_why_did_you_plant_a_walnut/
%
I was just invited to come to a benefit for legless women.

I hear the place is going to be crawling with pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bicvhz/i_was_just_invited_to_come_to_a_benefit_for/
%
A bear is ordering lunch and he says “I’ll have a sandwich and a.....cola

The person taking his order asks”what’s with the big pause”
the bear says “I don’t know, I was born with them”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bictel/a_bear_is_ordering_lunch_and_he_says_ill_have_a/
%
If I had a dollar every time I said something racist

Some black motherfucker woukd probably try and rob me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bicr9t/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_i_said_something/
%
I just recently decided to get a toilet brush.

Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bicner/i_just_recently_decided_to_get_a_toilet_brush/
%
*Gordon Ramsey drinks water*

Gordon: it's DRY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bickd1/gordon_ramsey_drinks_water/
%
What is Megatron least favorite streaming service?

Amazon PRIME

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bick16/what_is_megatron_least_favorite_streaming_service/
%
What do you call the Ant Man when he becomes super big?

giANT man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bicfh4/what_do_you_call_the_ant_man_when_he_becomes/
%
I was looking for a missing sock and concluded only socks have a higher divorce rate than humans

I found it at a Chili's singles night doing the Cotton Eye Joe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bica3o/i_was_looking_for_a_missing_sock_and_concluded/
%
My local sperm bank doesn't take donations by appointment.

It's first cum first serve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bic751/my_local_sperm_bank_doesnt_take_donations_by/
%
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the goddamn drywall.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biby41/a_young_family_moved_into_a_house_next_to_a/
%
9/11 is the only thing that I don't joke about...

I think that any joke I make about 9/11 just has a tendancy to crash and burna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bibxnk/911_is_the_only_thing_that_i_dont_joke_about/
%
My brother went to jail.

He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bibtj0/my_brother_went_to_jail/
%
This old man and woman had been married for 30 years.

In those 30 years, the woman had always insisted on the the lights being off when they had sex as she was embarrassed.
The man was thankful for this really as he was embarrassed too and scared that he couldn’t please her, so in the dark he always used a big dildo on her.
After all these years of sex, she still had no idea that’s what he did.
One day, she decided that they’d been together so long that there was no reason to be embarrassed even though her body was now old. So in the middle of sex she reached over and turned the bedside lamp on, only to see that her husband was using a dildo.
She said angrily, “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!”
The man replied, “Ok, but first – explain the kids!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bibp37/this_old_man_and_woman_had_been_married_for_30/
%
You're like school on a Saturday . . .

. . . no class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biblya/youre_like_school_on_a_saturday/
%
Little Johnny

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:
"Mary had a little lamb,
Whose fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go."
She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny stood up and said,
"Mary had a little pig, An ornery little runt,
He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes
And smelled her little . . ."
He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"
"Prose!" the teacher said. "Prose!"
So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bibhe2/little_johnny/
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Why are there walls around a cemetery

Because people are dying to get in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bibh16/why_are_there_walls_around_a_cemetery/
%
My therapist thinks I'm paranoid.

She hasn't said anything, but I know she's thinking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bibgtv/my_therapist_thinks_im_paranoid/
%
Where are average things manufactured?

@ the satisfactory :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bibetw/where_are_average_things_manufactured/
%
2 termites walk in to a bar

One of them say: "is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bibdot/2_termites_walk_in_to_a_bar/
%
My wife is very mad that our beautiful neighbor is sunbathing nude in her yard.

Personally, I'm on the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bibah2/my_wife_is_very_mad_that_our_beautiful_neighbor/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They would eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biba5x/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bib8hf/why_dont_italians_like_jehovahs_witnesses/
%
Product testing

Manager : Guys we need to stop testing on animals
Supervisor : But Shampoo companies have been doing it for years
Manager : Yeah,  but we make hydraulic presses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bib3aw/product_testing/
%
A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."
So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most complicated formula known to science?" The Devil snaps his fingers, and a stack of papers appear. The scientist reads them, and has to agree. He is warped to hell.
The mathematician then asks the Devil the hardest math question at that time. The Devil snaps his fingers, and another stack of papers appear. The mathematician reads them, has to agree and is also warped to hell.
Finally the Idiot steps up. He asks for a chair. The Devil snaps his fingers, and a chair appears. The Idiot then tells him to drill 7 holes in the seat. The Devil snaps his fingers and there are 7 holes. The Idiot then sits on the chair and lets out a long, drawn out fart.
He asks, "what hole did that fart come out of?"
The Devil examines the chair closely and says, "Third hole from the right."
"Wrong. It came from my asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biayjl/a_scientist_a_mathematician_and_in_idiot_all_die/
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I was at the DMV when my wife called.

She asked me, "Are you paying your ticket, or just standing there?"
I told her, "It's a fine line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biasl6/i_was_at_the_dmv_when_my_wife_called/
%
Amputees don’t have missing limbs.

They very likely know where their limbs went.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bias49/amputees_dont_have_missing_limbs/
%
A man is waiting for the bus.

A woman passes him in her car, splashing mud all over him before driving away, laughing.
The next day, the woman's car is broken down on the highway. The man passes her and rolls down his window.
"I'm definitely posting this on Reddit"
"What? Why would you do that?"
"Karma, bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biarh9/a_man_is_waiting_for_the_bus/
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Condoms galore

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biar86/condoms_galore/
%
Mario games are unforgiving...

... there's not mushroom for error

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biaq55/mario_games_are_unforgiving/
%
Three old men are in a bar, drinking.

After a few drinks, two of them see the third pissed his pants.
They shout at him: “What happened? Why didn’t you go to the bathroom?”
“Last night he didn’t get up for me, today I’m not getting up for him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biao2h/three_old_men_are_in_a_bar_drinking/
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I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biamm5/i_came_across_6_men_beating_up_my_mother_in_law/
%
I'm planning on opening a chicken restaurant that sells average food.

It'll be called OKFC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bialr7/im_planning_on_opening_a_chicken_restaurant_that/
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Two business men are flying first class on an airplane...

They are both wearing suits, carrying briefcases, and both of them have a black eye.
Wondering what the odds of their circumstances are, they start up a conversation
Man #1: “Hey buddy, kinda funny that we’re both dressed for business, flying first class, and we both have black eyes. How’d you get yours?”
Man #2: “Well it’s funny you should ask, it was a funny slip of the tongue that got me my black eye. I was in line buying tickets for this flight and the woman behind the counter had enormous breasts. So instead of saying ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh’ I said ‘two pickets to Tittsburgh’ and she punched me right in the eye.”
Man #1: “No way! I also got my black eye from a slip of the tongue! I was having breakfast with my wife this morning and what I meant to say was ‘honey can you pass the Cheerios?’ but what I actually said was ‘you ruined my life you fucking bitch’.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bial44/two_business_men_are_flying_first_class_on_an/
%
What did the elephant say when he caught his wife cheating?

"Can we talk about the elephant in our room?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biakjv/what_did_the_elephant_say_when_he_caught_his_wife/
%
Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

They always take things literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biajn7/why_is_it_so_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
I'm totally into polar bears.

Some people call me crazy.
I'm completely Inuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biaeaz/im_totally_into_polar_bears/
%
There was a band called 1023M

Sadly their existence was short lived because they never made a gig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biae5r/there_was_a_band_called_1023m/
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A man goes to heaven and peter stops him

He says: your time hasn’t come yet, you still have 10 years to live. How would you like to finish those 10 years? Well, the man, who is a farmer, says: I’m a farmer, and I have always wanted to know what it is like for the animals I keep to be at my farm. Than, peter says, you shall return as a chicken! The man goes back to earth as a chicken, and once he arrived, he feels the urge to lay an egg. He starts pushing. Hugh! Hugh! It’s almost there! He tries even harder! Hugh! Hugh! Just a little further! Then he hears, out of nowhere, his girlfriend calling. Mark! Mark! Wake up! You’re shitting over the entire bed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/biabz2/a_man_goes_to_heaven_and_peter_stops_him/
%
Did I ever tell you about the time I saw a sign that made me sh!t myself?

It said "bathroom closed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bia6f9/did_i_ever_tell_you_about_the_time_i_saw_a_sign/
%
You shouldn't say "i helped my uncle jack off a horse"

Instead you should say "I spent the summer working on my uncle's husbandry farm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bia207/you_shouldnt_say_i_helped_my_uncle_jack_off_a/
%
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a potato?

You don’t have to pay to have a potato on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bia1mg/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
What do elephants do before they have sex?

Pull down their trunks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi9xvn/what_do_elephants_do_before_they_have_sex/
%
A scientist decides to conduct an experiment on the anatomy of arachnids, so he takes a spider and puts it on his table.

“Walk!”, he yells, and the spider starts skittering away. The scientist writes the results down: “when a normal spider is told to walk, it walks.”
He then takes the spider and plucks one of its legs out. He then sets it on the table and yells the same thing,“walk!”
The spider starts walking, so the scientist writes down: “when a seven-legged spider is told to walk, it walks.”
He then repeats the process, plucking one leg each time. He writes down the results.
“When a six-legged spider is told to walk, it walks.”
“When a five-legged spider is told to walk, it walks.”
“When a four-legged spider is told to walk, it walks.”
“When a three-legged spider is told to walk, it walks.”
“When a two-legged spider is told to walk, it walks.”
“When a one-legged spider is told to walk, it walks.”
“IMPORTANT: When a spider loses all of its legs, it goes deaf.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi9wo8/a_scientist_decides_to_conduct_an_experiment_on/
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I saw something in a porno I wanted to try.

Sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi9tv8/i_saw_something_in_a_porno_i_wanted_to_try/
%
Terrible Knock Knock Joke

Knock knock
Who's there?
9/11
9/11 who?
You said you'd never forget :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi9r71/terrible_knock_knock_joke/
%
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently, "extremely large ones" wasn’t an acceptable answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi9kjh/i_just_failed_a_fire_safety_course_when_they/
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Dave was thinking about men and woman and had an Epiphany.

He ran downstairs to tell his wife.
“Hey honey, I think I have figured out the difference between men and women!” Dave said.
“Oh?...” she replied with a concerned inquisition.
“Yeah see, it’s like wisdom vs intelligence. Guys, we’re pretty dumb, but we know how to handle tough situations. But girls, they’re super smart, but they fight all the time and get all emotional and upset. So you see, girls are smart but foolish, and guys are dumb but wise.” Dave tells his wife
She looks at his, ready to snap “what the fuck does that mean?”
Dave assesses the situation and retorts
“You see, I’m wise enough to know not to answer that, and stupid enough to have said it in the first place.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi9g5b/dave_was_thinking_about_men_and_woman_and_had_an/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican that stabbed his wife 46 times?

They reckon he wanted tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi9dol/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_that_stabbed_his/
%
If you ever feel cold, go to the corner

It's 90 degrees there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi9b66/if_you_ever_feel_cold_go_to_the_corner/
%
Two women were harvesting carrots

One woman pulled out a huge carrot and showed it to the other woman.
"This one reminds me of my husband."
"Oh - so big?"
"No - so dirty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi9961/two_women_were_harvesting_carrots/
%
Back in 1921, a member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.

He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his classroom:
"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:
"God save the King."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi982x/back_in_1921_a_member_of_the_faculty_in_a_london/
%
When my wife and I first got married; we'd do it everywhere around the house...

... the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, you name it.
Now that we're older though... We just have hallway sex. That's where we pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck you!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi95gz/when_my_wife_and_i_first_got_married_wed_do_it/
%
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi93jh/what_do_you_call_a_snobby_criminal_going_down_the/
%
My son just accused me of lying.

I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t even have any children!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi91fc/my_son_just_accused_me_of_lying/
%
2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven

They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.
Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2:
“I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.
The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.
The bad news is that you’re scheduled to pitch next week.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8zps/2_baseball_players_had_an_argument_on_if_there_is/
%
Why was the copper up a tree?

Because he was Special Branch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8wui/why_was_the_copper_up_a_tree/
%
What do you call it when your are tracking an animal in a thrift store

Good Will Hunting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8wkv/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_are_tracking_an/
%
Wanna Hear a Joke?

Sorry but on Reddit, you can only read about one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8vki/wanna_hear_a_joke/
%
How do birds learn to fly?

They just wing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8sl9/how_do_birds_learn_to_fly/
%
Wait for it...

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
He lays awake at night and wonders if there really is a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8s4o/wait_for_it/
%
Shout out

to those wondering what the opposite of in is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8pzv/shout_out/
%
What do you call a discounted dildo?

A "Dealdo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8piv/what_do_you_call_a_discounted_dildo/
%
A dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks...

The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8mse/a_dog_lays_in_the_yard_and_an_old_man_in_overalls/
%
A new study found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Which makes sense, because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8i6x/a_new_study_found_that_humans_eat_more_bananas/
%
Billy's father picked him up from school.

He was anxious to find out about Billy's tryout for the school play.
Billy told him, "Dad, I got a part! I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son," said his dad. "Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll give you a speaking part."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8f5h/billys_father_picked_him_up_from_school/
%
If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8e6h/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_everytime_someone_over_40/
%
My therapist said that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to sleep with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8drc/my_therapist_said_that_i_have_trouble/
%
An Iguana can hold it's breathe for up to 28 minutes

or longer if you don't mind it dying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8ant/an_iguana_can_hold_its_breathe_for_up_to_28/
%
Wish me luck in the London Marathon today. I managed a respectable, 3 hours, 12 minutes, last year...

This year, I will try to beat that but, I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi8968/wish_me_luck_in_the_london_marathon_today_i/
%
Three women in a bar were comparing how loose they were

The first got off the bar stool and came back with a long carrot "I can fit two of these inside"
The second one stood up the bar stool and asked the bartender for a bottle of wine "I can fit three of these bad boys"
The third one was sitting on the floor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi86o1/three_women_in_a_bar_were_comparing_how_loose/
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The Single Use Time Machine

A scientist invites his friend over to his lab to ask help him decide what to do.
Scientist: So, I've invented a single use time machine and I need help deciding what to do.
Friend: Well, isn't that obvious? You've gotta kill Hitler.
Scientist: Are you sure? Think about what else we could do with it. Isn't there something even more important?
Friend: No, clearly not. He killed millions! You've gotta kill him.
Scientist: Alright, fine. I'll do it.
The scientist went into the machine and returned about ten minutes later.
Friend: So, did you do it?
Scientist: Yes, I killed Hitler. He was in his bunker when I did it.
Friend: Good. Trust me, you did the best thing.
Scientist: Yeah, I know. But man, was 1945 loud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi86n2/the_single_use_time_machine/
%
I farted in front of my wife for the first time tonight.

Its a good thing I didn't give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi861s/i_farted_in_front_of_my_wife_for_the_first_time/
%
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi85ck/did_you_hear_about_the_two_people_who_stole_a/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi812j/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
When you're afraid and you get a boner, I guess you could say you're..

Scared stiff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7y0s/when_youre_afraid_and_you_get_a_boner_i_guess_you/
%
I saw my wife cutting onions today and I started crying.

Onions was a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7xto/i_saw_my_wife_cutting_onions_today_and_i_started/
%
Why are elephants so wrinkly?

Have you ever tried to iron one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7xnz/why_are_elephants_so_wrinkly/
%
I'm into necrophilia, bestiality, and sadism...

But sometimes I feel like I'm just flogging a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7xid/im_into_necrophilia_bestiality_and_sadism/
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What do you get if you cross a four-lane highway and a narrow footpath?

Closer to wherever you were going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7wox/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_fourlane_highway/
%
There are two important holes in a woman's body.

No not those holes you dirty minded flank. I'm talking about her nostrils, so she can breathe while sucking dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7vrn/there_are_two_important_holes_in_a_womans_body/
%
I don’t know why everyone thinks Avengers: Endgame is long...

Isn’t it Marvell Studios’ twenty second movie?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7vb5/i_dont_know_why_everyone_thinks_avengers_endgame/
%
What do you call a factory that sells good products?

A satisfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7tia/what_do_you_call_a_factory_that_sells_good/
%
Three heavy-set women enter a bar and order their drinks.

The bartender says, "You all have some interesting accents. You broads from Scotland?"
They glare at him and one says, "Wales."
He says, "Ok... You whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7rj7/three_heavyset_women_enter_a_bar_and_order_their/
%
Human Trafficking....

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
We must save the lady!"
The Captain responds, "Patricia, I’ve told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"😂😂😂😂😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7phk/human_trafficking/
%
Anybody want to just talk?

Asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7pe5/anybody_want_to_just_talk/
%
3 guys die and go to heaven

The first one gets to the gates and God says, “ok i see youve been married 10 years. During that time you cheated on your wife 1 time.” God proceeds to give the man a BMW to drive around heaven.
The second man gets to the gates and God says, “i see you were married 20 years. During that time you cheated 3 time.” God then gives the man a Honda to drive around heaven.
The third man arrives, God says, “Incredible, youve been married 40 years and never once cheated. Please take this Bugatti to drive around heaven.”
The next day the first two men see the third man pulled off the side of the road in his Bugatti. They ask him whats wrong. “Did your car break down? Whats going on?”
The man replies, “No, I just saw my wife of 40 years... she went by on a bicycle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7nhs/3_guys_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
Why was the WiFi router also a drug dealer?

He had strong connections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7lcf/why_was_the_wifi_router_also_a_drug_dealer/
%
What is a pregnant woman for cannibals?

Kinder surprise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7hml/what_is_a_pregnant_woman_for_cannibals/
%
What is Papa Smurf's favorite type of porn?

Blue-kake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7gqn/what_is_papa_smurfs_favorite_type_of_porn/
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Several years after having kids, two guys are sitting in a bar and one finally gets the courage to ask the other why he's Anti-Vax.

The Anti-Vaxxer takes only a second to look around the bar, making sure no one can hear, and finally leans in real close and says:
"I'm not, my kid's just a fuckin' dickhead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7da5/several_years_after_having_kids_two_guys_are/
%
I like hanging out with people who are fatter than me

So I don’t have to be the elephant in the room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7ck1/i_like_hanging_out_with_people_who_are_fatter/
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I have a confession. I masturbate in the shower..

.. it feels good to come clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7bgk/i_have_a_confession_i_masturbate_in_the_shower/
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Me and my friend were walking in the park

Suddenly someone shouted: "Look a dead bird!"
My friend looked up at the sky and said: "Where?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7b64/me_and_my_friend_were_walking_in_the_park/
%
What's the similarity between Santa Claus and a creepy stalker

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi7aqg/whats_the_similarity_between_santa_claus_and_a/
%
A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress

## But he wasn't so successful in doing so. The error message read:
Error: failed to establish connection with server.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi797f/a_robot_tried_to_start_a_conversation_with_an/
%
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi78ia/what_do_you_call_a_priest_who_becomes_a_lawyer/
%
My uncle told me he was a failed experiment with chloroform

Whenever he releases gas everyone around passes out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi73rx/my_uncle_told_me_he_was_a_failed_experiment_with/
%
What did the cyclops sailor say to his captain?

Eye captain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi6wph/what_did_the_cyclops_sailor_say_to_his_captain/
%
Why couldn't the surf shop afford to stay open?

It was double overhead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi6wib/why_couldnt_the_surf_shop_afford_to_stay_open/
%
Need help cheating on a test?

Just memorize the information the day before your teacher cant catch you because its all in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi6ray/need_help_cheating_on_a_test/
%
2 guys walk into a bar

The 3rd guy ducks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi6q3b/2_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Australians don't have sex

They mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi6mwt/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
I was asked to describe the feeling of cuddling with a Jedi

It was Lukewarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi6jxw/i_was_asked_to_describe_the_feeling_of_cuddling/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping...

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, “Watson look up at the sky and tell me what you see”.
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said, “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied, “If they’re are millions of stars, and if a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there.  And if there are a few planets like Earth out there there might also be life.”
Holmes said, “Watson you idiot! It means somebody stole our tent!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi6dgp/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_were_going_camping/
%
What do you call a Filipino contortionist?

A Manila folder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi6d61/what_do_you_call_a_filipino_contortionist/
%
[long] A business man is playing golf in Japan

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Californian knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Californian joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi6ctr/long_a_business_man_is_playing_golf_in_japan/
%
(Credit to u/sir-griffen) what do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for a really long time?

The church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi697k/credit_to_usirgriffen_what_do_you_call_a_book/
%
Why was 7 brought to the police station for the murder of 9?

He was their prime suspect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi6826/why_was_7_brought_to_the_police_station_for_the/
%
I only wear shoes blessed by a priest.

Keeps the devil from stealing my sole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi66hy/i_only_wear_shoes_blessed_by_a_priest/
%
Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi65h9/did_you_hear_about_the_place_in_western_czech/
%
What adhesive can I use to fix my brass instrument?

A tuba glue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi62n8/what_adhesive_can_i_use_to_fix_my_brass_instrument/
%
Sometimes I wake up grumpy

Sometimes I let her sleep instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi610l/sometimes_i_wake_up_grumpy/
%
Three heftier women enter a bar and order their drinks.

The bartender says, "You all have some interesting accents. You broads from Scotland?"
The glare at him and one says, "Wales."
He says, "Ok... You whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi60lz/three_heftier_women_enter_a_bar_and_order_their/
%
What do you call a retired shrink

A shrunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi5zlh/what_do_you_call_a_retired_shrink/
%
A Foreigner wants to borrow land

\[Long\]
A Foreign man named "Paste" is looking to invest in a plot of land but is short 1/2 of the total cost.
The land he wants and feels is right for him is in the town of "Ugh" but unfortunately he lives in "Um".
He walks into the local Bank and talks to an employee with the name tag "Copy"
He says, "Hi Copy, I'm looking to buy a plot of land in the town of Ugh but unfortunately I cant afford it. Can I please get a loan?" Copy refuses to give him a loan, so Paste asks to see his manager.
A few moments later the Manger walks in looking interested and cheerful like Paste only his name was "Edit"
They begin to discuss the terms and come to an agreement, Edit offers him a personal proposal, "I am willing to offer my own land in Ugh, in exchange for your own land in Um."
So they both shake hands at the door then exchange these words ..
Paste : "Cheers for the Plot  In Ugh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi5zd3/a_foreigner_wants_to_borrow_land/
%
How come churches don't have Wi-Fi?

Because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi5yfj/how_come_churches_dont_have_wifi/
%
Why did the dolphin commit suicide?

He had no porpoise in life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi5ty3/why_did_the_dolphin_commit_suicide/
%
Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other, “Isn’t it dark down here?”

The other blonde replies, “I don’t know, I can’t see anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi5trr/two_blondes_fall_down_a_well_one_says_to_the/
%
An important business man needs to find a new secretary and HR gives him three candidates from who he must chose

To do this he asks the three girls the same question, "if I gave 1.000.000 dollars to take to the bank and when you get there they tell you they only need 500.000, what would you do? "
The first girls says she would give the bank the rest of the money and tell them to store it. The second girl says she would give the bank the 500.000 dollar and take the rest back to him. And the last girl says that she and her family are actually are going through a bad time and that she would keep the extra money.
After this, HR ask the business man who his he gonna chose and he says, "the blonde one with huge tits".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi5te5/an_important_business_man_needs_to_find_a_new/
%
A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are at a mental institution.

The zoophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat.”
The sadist says, “Let’s fuck a cat and then torture it.”
The murderer says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, and then kill it.”
The necrophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, and then fuck it again.”
The pyromaniac says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, fuck it again, and then burn it.”
The masochist says, “Meow.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi5q8p/a_zoophile_a_sadist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
%
A black mother has 5 kids Tyrone,Tyrone,Tyrone,Tyrone and Tyrone. How does she tell them apart?

By their last names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi5ohu/a_black_mother_has_5_kids/
%
There was a car accident where one dude lost the left side of his body

He’s all right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi5nyf/there_was_a_car_accident_where_one_dude_lost_the/
%
What it’s called when a train is in a bad relationship:

Domestic caboose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi5n1v/what_its_called_when_a_train_is_in_a_bad/
%
A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red  face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate  student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to  embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 200$ FOR A BJ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi5lct/a_lady_yells_no_i_wont_sleep_with_you_pig/
%
Priests and prostitutes are celibate in their own way.

Priests take a vow not to marry or have sex, while prostitutes sell a bit here and sell a bit there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi5ijb/priests_and_prostitutes_are_celibate_in_their_own/
%
What is the best way to carve wood?

whittle by whittle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi59kq/what_is_the_best_way_to_carve_wood/
%
Bring on the limericks

Belinda, a charming young lass Had a most magnificent ass. Twasn't rounded and pink, As you probably think, It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi58et/bring_on_the_limericks/
%
Send Nudists.

Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy that can carry a dozen donuts and two cups of coffee at the same time.
Who’s the most popular girl?
The one that can eat the last donut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi57i3/send_nudists/
%
Got a problem? Just ask Tommy.

Hilfiger it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi54ck/got_a_problem_just_ask_tommy/
%
Why are midgets angry all the time?

They are short tempered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi50og/why_are_midgets_angry_all_the_time/
%
What kind of quack does a duck have?

A butt quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi4ypd/what_kind_of_quack_does_a_duck_have/
%
Why did the kid cross the road?

He forgot to buckle his seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi4xiu/why_did_the_kid_cross_the_road/
%
19 and 20 had a fight.

21.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi4wcl/19_and_20_had_a_fight/
%
Nuns waiting to go to heaven

There was a car crash, The accident included 2 nuns and mother Theresa.
When the nuns reach the golden gates, they were greeted but St Paul.
St Paul said "To enter heaven, I giving you 3 questions, if you get them right you can enter"
St Paul asked a question to the first nun
"Who was the first woman on earth?"
The first nun answered "Eve"
St Paul said "Yep you can enter"
St Paul asked a question to the second nun  "Where did Eve live?"
Second nun replied "The Garden of Eden"
St Paul said "yep you can also enter"
When it came to Mother Theresa's question, St Paul said "considering you're Mother Theresa, I'm giving you harder question"
St Paul asked the question to Mother Theresa "What did Eve say to Adam, when she met him?"
Mother Theresa reply "Oh that's a hard one"
St Paul said "yep you can enter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi4tky/nuns_waiting_to_go_to_heaven/
%
One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have.”
The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.
A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, “My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi4thz/one_day_a_little_boy_and_a_little_girl_are/
%
What color is a US dollar?

Mint green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi4rxo/what_color_is_a_us_dollar/
%
What's it called when a heart goes to jail?

Cardiac arrest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi4mvq/whats_it_called_when_a_heart_goes_to_jail/
%
What do you call a chinese dog that is running?

Fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi4m07/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_dog_that_is_running/
%
What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad did not beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi4lzd/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
Did you hear kim jung-un doesnt cry at any funerals?

Hes un-bereaveable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi4iuq/did_you_hear_kim_jungun_doesnt_cry_at_any_funerals/
%
What did the Stormtrooper say to his family before shipping off to Empire basic training?

I’ll miss you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi4ia6/what_did_the_stormtrooper_say_to_his_family/
%
I used to work at a psychiatric hospital

And this guy walks in wearing nothing but Saran  wrap.
He tells the receptionist, “I think I need to see a psychiatrist.”
Receptionist replies, “no need for an evaluation. I can clearly see ur nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi4dlm/i_used_to_work_at_a_psychiatric_hospital/
%
I remember back in the day I use to go to the store with $2 and come back with 2 bags of chips, 3 candy bars, a pack of starbursts, and a soda...

But nowadays they have cameras everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi4c3i/i_remember_back_in_the_day_i_use_to_go_to_the/
%
Why are some people like slinky’s

They’re only fun when you push them down the stairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi4a0x/why_are_some_people_like_slinkys/
%
Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger were going to a Halloween dress-up party.

But they were unable to come up with a dress-up theme.  While they waited, someone turned on some music, which sparked their imagination.
"Aha!  I'll be Mozart," declared Stallone.
"Great idea!  I'll be Beethoven," replied Van Damme.
Schwarzenegger, thinking for a moment, simply said, "And I'll be Bach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi47rp/sylvester_stallone_jeanclaude_van_damme_and/
%
“Which one of King Arthur’s knights built the round table?”

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi47rf/which_one_of_king_arthurs_knights_built_the_round/
%
What’s the difference between a rich Scotsman, a poor Scotsman, and a dead Scotsman?

A rich Scotsman has a canopy over his bed.
A poor Scotsman has a can o’ pee under his bed.
And a dead Scotsman canna pee at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi46ua/whats_the_difference_between_a_rich_scotsman_a/
%
Three heftier women enter a bar and order their drinks.

The bartender says, "You all have some interesting accents. You broads from Scotland?"
The glare at him and one says, "Wales."
He says, "Ok... You whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi45lw/three_heftier_women_enter_a_bar_and_order_their/
%
When your nose is a-runny, and you're out with your honey, don't think it's funny...

...Cuz it's snot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3y38/when_your_nose_is_arunny_and_youre_out_with_your/
%
My dad left to go get milk last year...

Unlike your dad, he came home that day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3x0x/my_dad_left_to_go_get_milk_last_year/
%
Have you all heard about the new Tetris movie?

It's getting delayed because every time they finish a line, it disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3wse/have_you_all_heard_about_the_new_tetris_movie/
%
What's good about having twenty one year old girls?

Theres twenty of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3woq/whats_good_about_having_twenty_one_year_old_girls/
%
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3u74/three_men_are_in_a_hotel_room_in_soviet_russia/
%
Too smart for a 3rd grade!

A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class of 3rd grade.
The boy said 'M'am, I should be in 4th grade,I'm smarter than my sis & she's in the 4th grade'. The M'am {Teacher} had heard enough of his complains & took the boy to the Principal's office.
She explained everything to the Principal who decided to test the boy with some questions that a 4th grade should know.
Principal: What's 3+3?
Boy: 6
Principal: 6+6?
Boy: 12
& so on...
The Principal asked the boy many questions and the boy got them right. The Principal then asked M'am to send the boy to 4th grade. M'am decided to ask some more questions & the Principal agreed.
M'am: What does a cow have 4 of,that I've only 2 of?
Boy: Legs
M'am: What's in your pants that you have but I don't have?
Boy: Pockets
M'am: What starts with a C & ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
M'am: What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide,but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge. Boy: Bubble Gum
M'am: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. What am I?
Boy: Tent
The principal was looking restless.
M'am: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me 1stn what am I?
Boy: Wedding Ring
M'am: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose
M'am: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates,I come with a quiver
Boy:Arrow
M'am: What starts with 'F' & ends with a 'K' & if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?
Boy:Fork
M'am: What's it that all men have,it's longer in some men than others,the Pope doesn't use his & a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname
M'am: What part of the man has no bone,but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumping & is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart
Finally, the principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher: “Send the boy to University, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3sxk/too_smart_for_a_3rd_grade/
%
A young Irish woman goes to confession...

She makes the sign of the cross and says, “Bless me Fahder, fer I have sinned.”
The priest replied, “Go ahead, me child. What would it be ye need t’ confess?”
She replies, “Well Fahder, last night I made love t’ me boyfriend. Actually, dats not quite it. We made love tree times, Fahder!  And ‘twas glorious!  He made me toes curl, and me whole body all a tingle.”
Then she continued, “But, I know it’s a sin t’ be wit a man when we not be sealed by Holy matrimony. So, I’ve come t’ confess me sin.”
The priest leans back, places his hand on his forehead, exhales and says, “Right.  ‘Ere’s what ye need t’ do. I want ye to go t’ O’Malley’s market an’ buy five o’ da biggest lemons he’s got. Den, yer gonna take dem home, cut ‘em in half, an’ squeeze all da juice o’ dem lemons inta a big tall glass. Finally, I want ye t’ drink it all down.”
The young woman looks up at the priest, a bit perplexed and asks, “Will dat absolve me of me sin?”
And he replies, “No, but it’ll wipe dat smile off yer face!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3rjh/a_young_irish_woman_goes_to_confession/
%
Did you here about the knock knock joke guy

He one the No bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3qev/did_you_here_about_the_knock_knock_joke_guy/
%
In college I was so broke I couldn’t afford the electricity bill

Those were the darkest days of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3nto/in_college_i_was_so_broke_i_couldnt_afford_the/
%
Is the KKK really that racist?

I went to one do their meeting and there were a bunch of minorities hanging around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3ntk/is_the_kkk_really_that_racist/
%
What do girls ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97 all have in common?

They're all in their prime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3lvt/what_do_girls_ages_2_3_5_7_11_13_17_19_23_29_31/
%
If I ever get a horse I’m naming it “Mayo”

Because I can say “mayo neighs”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3i7x/if_i_ever_get_a_horse_im_naming_it_mayo/
%
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?

If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called the teethbrush
No offense to those who live in Alabama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3hpw/how_do_you_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
%
What makes a gun a shotgun?

Pulling the trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3eav/what_makes_a_gun_a_shotgun/
%
Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3b1d/why_dont_italians_like_jehovahs_witnesses/
%
Wanna hear a dark joke

'No.'
'Rascist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi3603/wanna_hear_a_dark_joke/
%
Three heftier women enter a bar and order their drinks. The bartender says, "Y'all have some interesting accents. You broads from Scotland?"

They glare at him and one says, "Wales."
He says, "Ok... You whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi35ow/three_heftier_women_enter_a_bar_and_order_their/
%
Wearing nothing but a cape I jumped into the bedroom startling my wife.

I shouted SUPER SEX!!!!
She replied, “ I don’t know, what kind of soup is it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi359i/wearing_nothing_but_a_cape_i_jumped_into_the/
%
Why did the students eat their homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi31y9/why_did_the_students_eat_their_homework/
%
An American, a Mexican, and a Russian are riding a train

They decide to have a wager on who's the best burglar, the rules being the lights go down and the person steals as much as they can without getting caught in the amount of time the lights are down on their turn.
The Mexican goes first, the lights go down, and they come back on one minute later. The American and Russian realize their watches and all the money in their pockets has been stolen. They applaud the Mexican and he returns their items.
The American goes next, the lights go down, and 15 seconds later they come back on. The Russian and Mexican realize they are sitting down in nothing but their underwear. They applaud the American and he gives them their clothes back.
It is now the Russians turn, the lights go down, and 2 seconds later they come back on. The American and Mexican look around and realize that nothing seems to have been stolen.
The American says "Looks like I win the wager!" at that moment the conductor comes into the train car, walks over to the 3 men and says "Fellas, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but someone has stolen the locomotive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi30ck/an_american_a_mexican_and_a_russian_are_riding_a/
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I went to the bank and asked the teller to check my balance

So she pushed me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi2u59/i_went_to_the_bank_and_asked_the_teller_to_check/
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People keep telling me I'm mature for my age

I don't really feel like I am, but I guess I must brie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi2nxb/people_keep_telling_me_im_mature_for_my_age/
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The ending of Avengers endgame:

A bunch of names scrolling across the screen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi2jfc/the_ending_of_avengers_endgame/
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A Jew from work has been dating a girl suffering from Tourette syndrome for years now. I always wondered what kept them together.

Then I saw the swear jar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi2j6w/a_jew_from_work_has_been_dating_a_girl_suffering/
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Today a Girl Winked at Me

With both of her eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi2i89/today_a_girl_winked_at_me/
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Why was the king a foot tall

Because he was a ruler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi2gei/why_was_the_king_a_foot_tall/
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What do gay reptiles and sports drinks have in common?

Gatoraids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi2fe4/what_do_gay_reptiles_and_sports_drinks_have_in/
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What do you get when you spell man backwards?

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi28mm/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
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What do you call a happy lightbulb?

Delight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi26po/what_do_you_call_a_happy_lightbulb/
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Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi233q/why_dont_scientists_trust_atoms/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book a really long time?

The church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi22vj/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi21gc/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_whos_afraid/
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I don’t accept nudes, I tell the girls to cover up

Go ahead, send me a nude and see what I say

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi21ep/i_dont_accept_nudes_i_tell_the_girls_to_cover_up/
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Why did 141 meet up with 128?

Because they wanted 269

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi20n8/why_did_141_meet_up_with_128/
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How do you break up a fight between two blind people?

Yell "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi20gu/how_do_you_break_up_a_fight_between_two_blind/
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Yo momma so poor

I can’t make a joke at her expense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi1zl0/yo_momma_so_poor/
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When I was a boy, I fell and skinned my knee

I called out for help. My grandfather came to my rescue. He helped me up and, brushing off the gravel from my hands and knees, he asked me which one of my three knees I had skinned.
Confused, I asked, "*Three* knees?"
He replied, "Which one of the three did you hurt?Your left knee, your right knee, or your wee-nie?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi1ws6/when_i_was_a_boy_i_fell_and_skinned_my_knee/
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“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”

“Sir, do you mean a choir?”
“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi1s6s/do_you_know_how_much_it_is_to_rent_a_church/
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I'm so sick of film spoilers.

If anyone tells me what happens in the new Ted Bundy film I'm going to kill them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi1okl/im_so_sick_of_film_spoilers/
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When I realized that the play sucks, I quietly resigned from my job as a stage designer.

I didn’t want to make a scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi1j3l/when_i_realized_that_the_play_sucks_i_quietly/
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My Dad made a joke abput chocolate

It wasn’t that funny, i only snickered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi1iad/my_dad_made_a_joke_abput_chocolate/
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There once was a vampire named Mabel...

Whose menstrual period was stable.
So one week in four
She'd slip to the floor
And drink herself under the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi1d0b/there_once_was_a_vampire_named_mabel/
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An engineer goes to hell...

Upset with the conditions in hell, the engineer decides to do something about it. The engineer adds running water to help keep the fires at down, creates an escalator and elevator system to help deal with all the stairs, adds central cooling to reduce the heat, and always continued to improve on the conditions while in hell.
Satan notice this and was impressed. He was so proud he reached out to God.
Satan said "We just got our first engineer! It is awesome here in hell. It is starting to look better everyday."
God was mad! God said "that was a mistake, the engineer is not supposed to be in hell. Give him back."
Satan said "No, hell is great! It has never been better. The engineer even created a machine so that i can torture Hitler 24/7 with doing very little work."
God said "you can keep the machine but give the engineer back"
Satan said "No, you're just scared that hell will be more desirable than heaven"
God said in a firm voice "satan, give the engineer back or i will sue you"
Satan laughed and said "may I ask where are you going to find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi18je/an_engineer_goes_to_hell/
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Polish public toilets were useless during the war

They were always occupied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi16aq/polish_public_toilets_were_useless_during_the_war/
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I recently lost my job at the orange juice factory.

I just couldn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi0zvb/i_recently_lost_my_job_at_the_orange_juice_factory/
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A rich man and a poor man are discussing what to get their wives for Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man “What did you get for your wife?” He says “I got her a diamond ring and a brand new Mercedes.” And the poor man asks “Why did you get her both?” “Because if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, she can take the Mercedes and bring it back.” The rich man asks “What did you get for your wife?” “I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo?” The rich man asks “Why did you get her a pair of slipper and a dildo?” “Because if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi0yga/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_are_discussing_what_to/
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Why did the lion get into the closet?

NARNIA BUSINESS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi0xwr/why_did_the_lion_get_into_the_closet/
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What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi0ram/what_is_the_difference_between_girls_aged8_18_28/
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A panda walks into a bar.

He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.
“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I am a panda, google me!”
Sure enough, panda : “A tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi0q85/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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Some people think it’s a good idea to keep the Native people in these rural ghettos...

...but I have my reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi0nr0/some_people_think_its_a_good_idea_to_keep_the/
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Three shapes are in a bar. The square says, "So then I said, It's all RIGHT!"

The triangle joins in and says, "Hah, what a weird tangent!"
The circle walks in and says, "Hey triangle, you are looking ACUTE!"
Triangle responds "Hi circle! Good to see you AROUND!"
They all share in laughter.
Circle asks "Is this why we have no friends?"
A function f(x) overheard their entire conversation, and joins them.
It says: "Yes, that's precisely Y!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi0lz3/three_shapes_are_in_a_bar_the_square_says_so_then/
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knock knock

who's there?
UPS
UPS who?
UPS of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi0h53/knock_knock/
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When I become a superhero, I'm going to call myself "Ironic".

So when there's trouble & I'm running away, people will be like "Isn't that ironic?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi0goz/when_i_become_a_superhero_im_going_to_call_myself/
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Do you know why blind men don’t like to go skydiving?

It scares the hell out of their dogs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi0fxq/do_you_know_why_blind_men_dont_like_to_go/
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If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she either really likes you, or you've been completely friendzoned

Or she hasn't seen you in the tree with your binoculars yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi03jp/if_a_girl_changes_her_clothes_in_front_of_you_she/
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There was a kidnapping at my school once.

A teacher had to wake him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bi02kx/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_my_school_once/
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There are two kinds of women...

Those who are attracted to me and those who exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhzymd/there_are_two_kinds_of_women/
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WARNING: This post contains multiple instances of profanity.

profanity
profanity
profanity
profanity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhzu62/warning_this_post_contains_multiple_instances_of/
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As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhzri8/as_a_scarecrow_people_say_im_outstanding_in_my/
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There's this really shy guy who never leaves his room.

Although he is desperately lonely for any sort of companionship, he's terribly self- conscious about the fact that he has a wooden eye.
Finally, his best friend says, "Look, if you ever want to do anything with your life you've simply got to get out and about. Come with me to the dance on Saturday."
With the greatest reluctance he agrees, and Saturday night finds him sitting on the benches in the high school gym while his friend dances away, until he notices a woman on the other side of the room.
She's not beautiful - in fact she has a harelip - and he screws up his courage to approach her.
"Would you like to dance?" he asks.
Her face lighting up, she cries, "Would I? Would I?"
"Harelip! Harelip!" he shouts back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhzm06/theres_this_really_shy_guy_who_never_leaves_his/
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A bad, bad day

After walking into the bar with a very  disturbed look on his face,a guy orders 4 tequila shots. He then proceeds to down all four of them immediately...
Bartender: "Wow, any man who drinks like that has a problem."
Guy: "You could definitely say that. I came home from work early today and found my wife of 15 years cheating on me. In my bed! With my best friend!"
Bartender: "Holy shit, that's just awful. What did you do?"
Guy: "Well, I immediately grabbed a suitcase, threw in a bunch of her crap from the closet and dropped it at her feet. Told her to get the fuck out, and don't even think about coming back!"
Bartender: "That's rough. And the best friend?"
Guy: " Well, I knelt down, grabbed him by his long fuzzy ears and said BAD DOG!! THAT'S A BAD, BAD DOG!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhzl3z/a_bad_bad_day/
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I dont think the shrek movies were that good

they were just mediogre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhzk7z/i_dont_think_the_shrek_movies_were_that_good/
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As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her,

“So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”
She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.”
“Not even for coffee??”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhzi3q/as_i_was_picking_up_my_mother_in_law_from_the/
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What does a flame smell like?

Burnt nose hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhzh9r/what_does_a_flame_smell_like/
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A husband and wife were having a bad day.

They were arguing a lot until the wife got fed up and said to just write her a note if he really wanted to talk to her. He agreed, so for the rest of the day they passed notes here and there.
At night the husband left a note on the table saying “please wake me up at 6 A.M, I have to wake up early for work.” He went to sleep and all was well.
The next morning he woke up and immediately realized something was wrong, he was too rested for comfort. He looked at the time and panicked because it was already 9. He ran to his wife and asked why she didn’t wake him up. She glanced at the table.
Next to his note was another one. He opened it and it said “wake up, it’s 6 A.M.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhzesj/a_husband_and_wife_were_having_a_bad_day/
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Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo?

Well, now when you mention botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhzeer/remember_when_plastic_surgery_was_a_taboo/
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A man with only one ear interviews candidates for a job.

He is kinda' sensitive about his missing ear, so he asks to the first candidate, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The guy hesitates and says "Yes, sir, you have only one ear." He is dismissed on point.
The man asks the same question to the second candidate, which replies "Yes, one of your ears is missing." Dismissed as well.
The third candidate walks in and the man asks "Do you notice anything different about me?" The guy looks closely and says "Yes, of course. You wear contact lenses."
Surprised, the man asks "Whoa, how did you know that?"
The guy replies: "Well, how could you wear glasses with only one ear?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhzcfe/a_man_with_only_one_ear_interviews_candidates_for/
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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison. When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto had ever met. Big Joel helped him through his day, showing him where to eat, shower, and work out. Myto woke up every morning and had a Chocolate Brownie for breakfast. The only brownies the prison sold were from a strange company called Dria.
Every night, however, Myto noticed something. The power always went out at exactly 9 PM. Being an electrical engineer, Myto decided to find out why this was the case. He asked his bunkmate, Big Joel why this happened. Big Joel shook his head and sighed. “Don’t know why it’s got to be this way. It just do. Power goes out every night at 9.” Myto was perplexed. He resolved to fix this issue using all his electrical engineering prowess. He realized that by using the strange brownies made by Dria, he could make a con brownie. He hid a very powerful battery that he stole from the guards and hooked it up to the wires of his cell. To his delight, the cell lit up!
Of course, this didn’t sit well with the other prisoners. Why was Myto and Big Joel’s cell lighting up even after nine PM? One of the prisoners came up to Big Joel and asked him how the hell their cell was still lighting up. Big Joel promptly replied:
Well, everyone knows Myto’s con Dria is the powerhouse of the cell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhz7l3/an_electrical_engineer_is_wrongly_accused_of_a/
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A man is washing the car with his son.

The son asks… “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Dad, " Son, When I was your age, my dad would wash 3 trucks and the sedan with my ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhz4lk/a_man_is_washing_the_car_with_his_son/
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I just inherited a dairy farm

I dont like it but I'm going to milk it for all its worth!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhyvau/i_just_inherited_a_dairy_farm/
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Hired a limo.

I’ve just spent £500 hiring a limo and it didn’t even include someone to drive it. I can’t believe I spent all that money and i have nothing to chauffeur it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhysvt/hired_a_limo/
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If you work at a factory making kitchen work tops and you're very good at your job

Then ironically, you're being counter-productive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhyoru/if_you_work_at_a_factory_making_kitchen_work_tops/
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What did the momma bee say to the baby bee when he didn't collect enough pollen?

Bee better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhynud/what_did_the_momma_bee_say_to_the_baby_bee_when/
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A man visits a counselor

The counselor says "You should look to improve your life, but it'll take a lot of work on your part."
Months pass, and the man comes back.
"What brings you in today?" asks the counselor.
"Two things. First, thanks for the advice it totally worked!"
"What... that was fast, but I'm not sure that one session could really help you..."
"It did and it was totally easy!"
Confused the counselor asks "What was the second thing?"
"Oh yeah! Watch out for a 45 year old red head. She's really mad at you!"
"What do you mean?"
"I got a new wife, and it sure was an improvement! But, boy... my ex is really mad at you!"
The counselor exclaims, "I said improve your life! Not wife!"
The man winks at the counselor, "Don't worry, I won't tell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhyh9k/a_man_visits_a_counselor/
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When your wife/girlfriend asks “Do I look fat”.

The correct response is “Do I look stupid?”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhygp8/when_your_wifegirlfriend_asks_do_i_look_fat/
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lost my balance on an escalator today

I fell down the stairs for two hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhyget/lost_my_balance_on_an_escalator_today/
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A young boys logic

An old man is sitting on his porch just enjoying the summer morning air.  As he is sitting in his rocking chair he sees a young boy walking up the sidewalk pulling his little red wagon, in which is a roll of duck tape.  The old man calls out "young man, where are you heading with that duck tape?" The young boy replays (with a tone suggesting the answer should be obvious) "I'm headed to catch some ducks... Would you like to join me?"  The old man chuckles a bit to himslef at the young boys logic and says "No thank you young man, you enjoy yourself."  With that the little boy continues on his way.  The old man stays in his rocking chair because it's an exceptionally nice morning and after about an hour, here comes the little boy headed the other way with his wagon. The old man takes notice to the boy and in the waggon there are several ducks struggling to free themselves from a wad of duck tape.  This image causes the old man to call out... "young man, where did you get them ducks at?" To which the young boy repays "I just used my duck tape" and continues on his way.
The next morning, the old man is in his rocking chair again, and again here comes the boy.  He is pulling his red wagon only this time there is chicken wire in the back.  The old man calls out "boy, were are you going with that chicken wire?"  To which the boy replies "I'm headed to catch some chickens... want to join me?"  Again the old man declines and the boy continues on his way.  Again, about an hour later, here comes the boy, red wagon filled with chickens struggling in chicken wire.  The old man calls out "how ever did you get those chickens?"  To which the boy repays "with the chicken wire!" And continues walking. The next morning the old man is on his porch waiting to see if the young boy will pass by again.  Up the sidewalk come the young boy with his wagon and the old man suddenly jumps to his feet..."young man is that pussy willow in the back of your wagon?"  "Yes" replays the boy.  "Let me grab my coat" exclaims the old man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhycny/a_young_boys_logic/
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The Farmers New Rooster

A farmer bought a bought a rooster and said roster was delivered later that day in a wooden crate. The farmer was excited to finally get a new rooster because he had over 50 hens but not a single rooster. As soon as he pried the crate open the rooster went straight to the hens and started to have sex with them all. The farmer was shocked. He thought “how on earth is he having sex with all these hens? I’ve never seen anything like it.”
The next day he gets woken up by the rooster crowing right at sunrise. He looks out the window and the rooster starts to have sex with all the hens again. The farmers mouth dropped. This was unbelievable to him. But it didn’t stop there. Next the rooster started to have sex with the cows, the horses, the pigs, the sheep, the ducks, the goats, every animal the rooster could get to he was having sex with. The farmer just watched with an astonishing look on his face.
The next morning the farmer didn’t wake up at sunrise because the rooster didn’t crow. He first thought it was strange but with how much sex the rooster was having the farmer knew he was probably tired.
He looks out the window and he sees two vultures flying overhead. All the farmer could see was something dead laying in the field but  couldn’t tell from his house.
He quickly got dressed to see what was going on and as he got closer he saw that the rooster was dead and the vultures were getting closer and closer to landing. Lost for words he just stood there looking trying to figure out how did the rooster die after only a couple days. He inches closer to the rooster and suddenly the rooster looks at him and says “get the hell out of here. They are just about to land.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhybh3/the_farmers_new_rooster/
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When do you know a joke is a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.
When does the punchline become apparent?
After the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhy7oc/when_do_you_know_a_joke_is_a_dad_joke/
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Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhy580/girl_come_over/
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What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhy4vh/what_do_you_call_an_emo_a_capella_group/
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An American and a Chinese man are stranded on a desert island

"We need to work together,", the american said.
"Ok,", he continued. "I will make shelter, while you get supplies."
"Ok", the chinese man answered before walking further in on the island.
Two days went by, and the american had built shelter. He was starting to starve, and as the chinese man still hadn't returned, he decided to head into the forest to gather some food.
As he was about to walk into the forest the chinese man all of a sudden jumped out of the bushes yelling "SUPPLIES!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhy22e/an_american_and_a_chinese_man_are_stranded_on_a/
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**AVENGERS ENDGAME SPOILERS*

Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party at my place this Sunday. HMU if you're interested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhy0mi/avengers_endgame_spoilers/
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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."
The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the heroin, then back at the Rabbit, and then threw the needle away. The two then proceeded to run though the forest.
While running through the forest they came upon a sheep. This sheep was about to smoke a joint. The rabbit looked at he sheep for a moment and then said, "Sheep, don't smoke pot. Pot is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest.
The sheep looked at the rabbit, then at the joint, then back at the rabbit, and then threw the joint away. The three then proceeded to run through the forest.
The three then stumbled upon a tiger. This tiger was about to crack open a cold beer. The rabbit looked at the tiger for a second and then said, "Tiger, don't drink alcohol. Alcohol is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest!"
The Tiger then looked at the rabbit, then at the beer, then back at the rabbit, and then cracked open the beer and carefully placed it on the ground next to him. He then proceeded to slowly walk over to the rabbit, lifted his paw up, and then mauled the shit out of the rabbit. After he was done he slowly walked back to the beer, picked it up and started drinking it.
The giraffe and the sheep were shocked. The giraffe looked at the tiger and said, "Dude!!! What the fuck? He was just trying to help you!!! Why did you hurt him?"
The tiger slowly looked at the giraffe and then said, "Because every time that rabbit does cocaine I end up running through the fucking forest!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhxxz4/one_day_a_small_rabbit_was_taking_a_run_through/
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhxuku/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_or_legs_in_a/
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I sww a tip jar that read-

I saw a tip jar that said "On a scale of $1 - $10 how attractive are you?" So I took five dollars out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhxr3c/i_sww_a_tip_jar_that_read/
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My dim witted friend thought his new girlfriend might be ‘the one’.

But after looking through her dresser drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maids outfit and a police woman uniform, he finally decided.....if she can't hold down a job she's not for him..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhxou4/my_dim_witted_friend_thought_his_new_girlfriend/
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What does a German Cowboy say?

Audi
(I'm not sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhxoby/what_does_a_german_cowboy_say/
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The Religion Exam

A class of 30 students 10 year old students were set a Religion exam. One boy had not revised and decided the best course of action was to ask the girl next to him.
The boy poke the girl with his pencil to get her attention and whispers  “What was the name of Christian Lord?”
The girl is shocked he doesn’t know and says in exasperation “God Almighty”
The boy scribbles it down and moves into the next question but doesn’t know this either, so he proceeds to poke the girl next to him with his pencil again. This time he asks “What is the name of Gods son?”.
Again shocked the girl replied “Jesus Christ” wondering how he doesn’t know this and getting pretty annoyed
The boy moves onto the last question, he doesn’t know this either so he poked the girl with his pencil again and asks “what did Eve say to Adam after she had her 7th child?”
The girls has had enough and screams “If you poke me with that thing one more time I’ll snap it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhxhhs/the_religion_exam/
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Why is the nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the in the scenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhxh0o/why_is_the_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
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My first time time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time it brought me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhxg8s/my_first_time_time_using_an_elevator_was_an/
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I’m okay with smoking, alcohol and marijuana

But cocaine is where I draw the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhxeuw/im_okay_with_smoking_alcohol_and_marijuana/
%
My friend explains what the symbols on a map mean.

He is a legend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhxeb9/my_friend_explains_what_the_symbols_on_a_map_mean/
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What does a pig buy if his skin becomes sore?

Oinkment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhxctm/what_does_a_pig_buy_if_his_skin_becomes_sore/
%
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhxapg/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
%
If you're struggling to buy someone a Christmas present..

Buy them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhxaga/if_youre_struggling_to_buy_someone_a_christmas/
%
I am doing a bra giveaway.

Send me pics of your boobs and I'll see if I have something that fits you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhxa8a/i_am_doing_a_bra_giveaway/
%
At last, the long-awaited finale of the televised poem competition had arrived.

The pope, who was a keen lyricist and writer of poems, had to everyone’s surprise entered the competition. He immediately announced that he would only be reciting poems about personal spiritual experiences. Despite this limitation, it turned out he was gifted with words and he had made it all the way to the final. His opponent was the favorite to win: a Harvard linguistics professor on the top of his career and with a mind as sharp as a knife’s edge.
The Harvard professor was up first. He was informed of the rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock started, and when the time was up the Harvard professor approached the microphone:
"On my way through desert sand
Met a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu."
The crowd went wild. Commentators were lyrical. This was without a doubt the best poem of the competition. The Harvard professor had done it again! But as the crowd settled down their spirits sank. As far as anyone knew, the pope had never been to Timbuktu, which was soon confirmed by the TV commentator. How could the pope have a personal spiritual experience with such a word?!
The elderly pope was walked to the stage and informed of the same rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock was started, but after only a short thought the pope stopped it. Everybody in the competition had used all the provided time, and as the pope approached the microphone a sigh went through the audience. Was he withdrawing from the competition? Would it all end in anti-climax?
No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience:
"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhx65q/at_last_the_longawaited_finale_of_the_televised/
%
ISIS jokes are really funny.

Because of their execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhx2p1/isis_jokes_are_really_funny/
%
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhx2nd/my_wife_came_home_angry_from_the_gynecologist/
%
I once had a girl break up with me because I wasn't into the whole pissing fetish. No half measures when it comes to that fetish.

Either urine or you're out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhx1el/i_once_had_a_girl_break_up_with_me_because_i/
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I'm opening a new club called r/jokes.

It's gonna play the same song in a loop forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhx0dd/im_opening_a_new_club_called_rjokes/
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A 10 years maried couple have always sex in pitch dark...

One night the wife is enough of her husband's stupid rule so while doing it she open the light.
She sees he's using a huge strap on.
He said :" ok I'll explain that but first you tell me for "our" two kids"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhwxr0/a_10_years_maried_couple_have_always_sex_in_pitch/
%
Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhws43/archaeologists_in_egypt_have_unearthed_a_tomb/
%
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhwqm8/a_bus_full_of_nuns_falls_of_a_cliff_and_they_all/
%
I love her eco-friendly body.

Very little waist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhwnkg/i_love_her_ecofriendly_body/
%
A robot walks into a bar

He gets a drink because he cant say jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhwmo3/a_robot_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. Germans are efficient and not very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhwfuc/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Disability benefits are really bad at the moment

I have a friend who’s a dwarf and he’s struggling to put food on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhwfgp/disability_benefits_are_really_bad_at_the_moment/
%
What’s green, hangs in a tree and shouts: I am an apple! I am an apple!

A crazy pear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhwdg1/whats_green_hangs_in_a_tree_and_shouts_i_am_an/
%
Why did the newspaper company go out of business?

Too many issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhwc99/why_did_the_newspaper_company_go_out_of_business/
%
There are two eras of modern rap...

Pre Malone and Post Malone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhwaf5/there_are_two_eras_of_modern_rap/
%
Where do horses go when they break their legs?

The HORSEpital hahahaha,
Jk they get shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhw5kf/where_do_horses_go_when_they_break_their_legs/
%
I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery next year...

So I can see in 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhvz9b/im_thinking_of_getting_laser_eye_surgery_next_year/
%
A Jewish girl asked me for my number the other day.

I told her "we use names here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhvsrj/a_jewish_girl_asked_me_for_my_number_the_other_day/
%
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhvqlq/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_check/
%
Back in the 60s,my little brother thought he could communicate with the trees and i used to think he had some mental issues...

That is until i was drafted to Vietnam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhvqjz/back_in_the_60smy_little_brother_thought_he_could/
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What does Melania Trump and a paleontologist have in common?

Both are experts in dating fossils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhvqf6/what_does_melania_trump_and_a_paleontologist_have/
%
I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhvqal/i_poured_root_beer_in_a_square_glass/
%
I found my new favorite sexual position.

It's called The JFK. It's when you explode all over a woman while she is screaming and trying to open the car door.
You can do it in a hotel room, as well, but then you call it The Louis C.K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhvo6n/i_found_my_new_favorite_sexual_position/
%
We’re lucky the Swatch wasn’t made in Croatia or...

I’d have to look at my crotch to tell the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhvnn2/were_lucky_the_swatch_wasnt_made_in_croatia_or/
%
Why is everyone in the US armed?

Medical care is too expensive to amputate them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhvlba/why_is_everyone_in_the_us_armed/
%
The local strip club had a sale.

Their sign said a penny for our thots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhvkbd/the_local_strip_club_had_a_sale/
%
A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid says “One”.
The boss says “Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says “$165,000”.
The boss says “$165,000? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’ ”
(This was made as a revised version of the original)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhvjdo/a_young_student_looking_for_a_job_goes_to_a_big/
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What did the burglar say after he broke into Fort Knox by exploding a bomb?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhve5z/what_did_the_burglar_say_after_he_broke_into_fort/
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Why do dogs float in water?

Because they are good bouys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhv9c5/why_do_dogs_float_in_water/
%
NFSW subs are like Ph.D dissertations

People with similar interest constantly asking for the source.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhv0nk/nfsw_subs_are_like_phd_dissertations/
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In 1985 Viagra began marketing it's own soda beverage

They called it Mount and Do.
Further more in 1986 the FDA decided it could no longer be called a *soft* drink.
Instead they labeled it a cock tail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhuyac/in_1985_viagra_began_marketing_its_own_soda/
%
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhuvst/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
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I think I can finally buy a BMW.

I got a new high paying job with a large bonus. My investments are doing well. And most importantly, I haven't used my turn signal in the last 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhuvdy/i_think_i_can_finally_buy_a_bmw/
%
My girlfriend said to me:"I want you to make love to me like a man ..."

... but I said: "I've never made love to a man before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhuvbq/my_girlfriend_said_to_mei_want_you_to_make_love/
%
What's good for a headache?

Drinking heavily the night before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhuv5n/whats_good_for_a_headache/
%
What Do You Call a 2,000lb Gay Mexican Piano Player?

El Ton John

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhusa7/what_do_you_call_a_2000lb_gay_mexican_piano_player/
%
Why can’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhus4f/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
My girlfriend has 207 bones

Now 206
Now 207
Now 206

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhurwo/my_girlfriend_has_207_bones/
%
My mom said, "if you love something you let it go."

And that's what convinced me to drop my screaming father off the cliff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhuqij/my_mom_said_if_you_love_something_you_let_it_go/
%
Bruce Banner is the greatest cock blocker ever known.

Let Hulk smash!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhuqfq/bruce_banner_is_the_greatest_cock_blocker_ever/
%
After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy.

She urned it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhup70/after_cremating_my_grandma_i_put_her_ashes_into_a/
%
There's no reason to tailgate me when I'm doing 160

and those flashing lights on your car look ridiculous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhuld0/theres_no_reason_to_tailgate_me_when_im_doing_160/
%
Just saw Endgame and I am furious!

I paid $17.50 for my seat and I only used the edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhul5h/just_saw_endgame_and_i_am_furious/
%
Why did Brittany spears get called by CPS

She hit her baby one more time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhuklz/why_did_brittany_spears_get_called_by_cps/
%
A doctor and a lawyer get into a car crash...

Both cars are badly damaged, but amazingly, neither of them are hurt. As the lawyer crawls out of her BMW, she sees that the other car is a Porsche. She says, "I see you're an affluent man, probably a doctor. I'm a lawyer... Gosh! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The doctor replies, "I agree with you completely. It must be a sign!"
The lawyer continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely we should drink this and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the doctor. He nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big gulps from the bottle, then hands it back to the lawyer.
The lawyer takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the doctor. The doctor asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The lawyer replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police to turn up and sort this out..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhuit2/a_doctor_and_a_lawyer_get_into_a_car_crash/
%
I was thinking of becoming a Flat-Earther.

But I haven't gotten around to it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhugde/i_was_thinking_of_becoming_a_flatearther/
%
What do you call British humor?

Humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhuelh/what_do_you_call_british_humor/
%
An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a  sewer side bomber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhu94a/an_explosives_expert_liked_to_blow_up_bombs/
%
Can a woman have a child in her 70s?

No, children are zero when born silly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhu5tb/can_a_woman_have_a_child_in_her_70s/
%
I told my doctor I couldn’t hear out of my left ear.

He asked,” Are you sure?”
“I’m definite.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhu4ej/i_told_my_doctor_i_couldnt_hear_out_of_my_left_ear/
%
Did you hear the one about the angry magician?

He was so mad he pulled his hare out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhu30t/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_angry_magician/
%
I asked a cheesemaker to show me his secret ingredient

He said," No Whey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhu2sh/i_asked_a_cheesemaker_to_show_me_his_secret/
%
Gypsy week

I call my GFs period 'Gypsy Week' because if I put my hand down her pants I'll get my palm red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhu0vi/gypsy_week/
%
In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhtwz8/in_all_of_the_possible_universes_where_spiderman/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhtwwy/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
[NSFW] How fast can a woman fuck?

Only 68 miles per hour. At 69, she flips over and blows a rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhtwue/nsfw_how_fast_can_a_woman_fuck/
%
Accidentally clicked on some gay porn last night. So gross!

Worst three hours of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhtvti/accidentally_clicked_on_some_gay_porn_last_night/
%
It's with a heavy heart that I give a shout-out to my dad who couldn't be with us to see Endgame tonight. I miss you with all my heart.

Maybe pre-order your tickets on time next time, moron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhtu52/its_with_a_heavy_heart_that_i_give_a_shoutout_to/
%
How do ducks eat cheese?

On quackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhtu45/how_do_ducks_eat_cheese/
%
Two men go out hunting...

One man suddenly collapses and the other calls an ambulance immediately and tells them that his friend just collapsed and died.
The operator says to him "Can you make sure he is dead?"
The operator is shocked to hear two gunshots in the background and the guy returns to the phone and says: "Yeah, im sure he's dead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhtpqb/two_men_go_out_hunting/
%
A jewish boy asks his father "can i have 50 dollars?"

Dad: 40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for? I got 20, here's 10, gimme back 5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhtmw7/a_jewish_boy_asks_his_father_can_i_have_50_dollars/
%
Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.
Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhthhy/dad_when_this_heals_will_i_be_able_to_play_an/
%
The Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.
The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.
The motician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.
His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, ‘Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.
She says to the mortician, ‘You have done a magnificent job and I’m very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?’
To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque.
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good…
So I just swapped their heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhth7u/the_blonde_mortician/
%
What do a necrophiliac coroner and an alcoholic office manager have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one at work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhtdl3/what_do_a_necrophiliac_coroner_and_an_alcoholic/
%
How do you get dragon milk?

From a cow with really short legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhtdgy/how_do_you_get_dragon_milk/
%
There was a man who owned two pet squirrels...

The two squirrels were the best of buds. One day, the man lets them outside to play and they both accidentally chase each other to the road where they get ran over.
He loved these guys so much, he decides to take them to a taxidermist so he can remember them forever.
The taxidermist asks the man, “Do you want them mounted?”
The man says, “No thanks, have them shaking hands. They were just friends.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhta3o/there_was_a_man_who_owned_two_pet_squirrels/
%
Why did the Dragonborn go to high hrothgar?

To see what all the fus was about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bht7g2/why_did_the_dragonborn_go_to_high_hrothgar/
%
What's a 6.9?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsyzq/whats_a_69/
%
How did you quit smoking?

I decided to start smoking only after sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsyle/how_did_you_quit_smoking/
%
What do you call a German Shepard on a Uboat?

A subwoofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsxbg/what_do_you_call_a_german_shepard_on_a_uboat/
%
Which raisins are the ugliest and dumbest?

The in-bread ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsw47/which_raisins_are_the_ugliest_and_dumbest/
%
What’s the best part about having a vegan girlfriend?

Nuts are her favorite source of protein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsto2/whats_the_best_part_about_having_a_vegan/
%
2 thieves are planning a robbery on a probability shop

One of them, unsure, says:
"I dunno man, I don't wanna take any chances"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsqvf/2_thieves_are_planning_a_robbery_on_a_probability/
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The recipe said, "put the stew in at 180 degrees", so I did…

Now it's all over the bottom of the fucking oven…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhspte/the_recipe_said_put_the_stew_in_at_180_degrees_so/
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What's the difference between a pregnant teenager and a light bulb?

.
.
.
A light bulb is bright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhspok/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_teenager/
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A Mormon and a Irishman are on an airplane together

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsoiz/a_mormon_and_a_irishman_are_on_an_airplane/
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Today I finally got into Harvard!

Sadly campus security caught me and handed me over to the police for trespassing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsn8q/today_i_finally_got_into_harvard/
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What do plants eat between lunch and dinner?

A light snack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsm12/what_do_plants_eat_between_lunch_and_dinner/
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My grandpa’s last wish was that when he died, we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhslal/my_grandpas_last_wish_was_that_when_he_died_we/
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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.
“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.
And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.
“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.
His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought up a clean response to little Timmy - “A bastard is another word for a male, and a bitch is another word for a female.”
“Okay Mum, thank you” said little Timmy as he went off to play with his toys.
The following day little Timmy walks into the bathroom whilst his dad is shaving. “Ah shit!” shouts his dad as he accidentally cuts his cheek with the razor.
“Dad, what does shit mean?” asked little Timmy.
“Ummm, it’s another word for the blood that comes out when you shave” lied his dad.
“Okay Dad, thank you” said little Timmy as he left the bathroom and went down to the kitchen whilst his mum was preparing lunch.
“Ah fuck!” yelled his mum, as her knife slipped and carved straight through the chicken she is preparing.
“Mum, what does fuck mean?” asked little Timmy.
“Errrr, it means when you cut the wrong part out of a chicken.” improvised his mum.
“Okay Mum, thank you” replied little Timmy as he went out into the back yard where his older brother and sister were sat talking.
“Hey Timmy, have Mum and Dad sent you out to call us back inside?” asked his sister.
“Hello bitches and bastards! No, Dad’s busy shaving the shit out of his face, and Mum’s cutting the fuck out of the chicken.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsjsh/little_timmy_went_into_the_living_room_as_his/
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A poor man and a rich man meet up at Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsj9j/a_poor_man_and_a_rich_man_meet_up_at_christmas/
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What do the moon landing, JFK, and dinosaurs have in common?

they were all shot from above

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsiic/what_do_the_moon_landing_jfk_and_dinosaurs_have/
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A farmer goes outside to check his livestock

While observing the cattle he notices that he needs to clean up the accumulated manure in one of his corrals. So he gets the tractor and pushes the muck into a pile on the edge of the pen. As he does this, the pile leans against the fence causing the wood to break and splinter. The farmer turns to his dog and says "Well ain't this a low-quality shit post?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsg46/a_farmer_goes_outside_to_check_his_livestock/
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My wife just left me. She thinks I’m too paranoid.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsfgv/my_wife_just_left_me_she_thinks_im_too_paranoid/
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God isn't dead

But I'll get that bastard someday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhsecn/god_isnt_dead/
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What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhs1v7/what_do_you_call_a_belt_made_out_of_watches/
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When i was a little kid my parents changed houses a lot.

But I always found them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhrzwy/when_i_was_a_little_kid_my_parents_changed_houses/
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Guy goes to the doctors with a lettuce stuck up his ass.

Doctor examining said wow, guy says what is it doc?
Doctor says this is only the tip of the Iceberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhrypa/guy_goes_to_the_doctors_with_a_lettuce_stuck_up/
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If someone gave you $500 because "you're ugly" would you take the money?

Of course I would. I'm ugly not stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhryao/if_someone_gave_you_500_because_youre_ugly_would/
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A Blonde walked into a electronics store...

She came in the shop and asked for a Tv. The man asked her which one. She pointed to the one she thought was cheapest. Instantly the guard said "No blondes allowed".
The next day she came in wearing a red wig. She did the exact same thing and the guard kicked her out again.
The 3rd day, she dyed her hair black and came in. She asked for the exact same thing. The guard pointed to the door. The blonde asked him, "How do you know that I'm a blonde?". The guard answered, you were pointing to the microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhry0b/a_blonde_walked_into_a_electronics_store/
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A man goes to the doctor and says he wants an STD test for his daughter.

“But she’s only ten” says the doctor, “is she sexually active?”
“Not really, she mostly just lies there” he replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhrwfq/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_he_wants_an_std/
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My family is like treasure

You need a map and a shovel to find them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhrw94/my_family_is_like_treasure/
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An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade

After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”
The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”
“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhrvmy/an_indian_tracker_is_teaching_his_son_the_family/
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My girlfriend enjoys "doggy style" in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhruvy/my_girlfriend_enjoys_doggy_style_in_the_bedroom/
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Studying And Sex

* Why is studying better than sex?
You can finish early without feeling shame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhrtxc/studying_and_sex/
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I went to the gym today and this buff guy told me “Bro, your upper arms are funny”

I told him, “yeah, it’s humerus ain’t it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhrq2b/i_went_to_the_gym_today_and_this_buff_guy_told_me/
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A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.
"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"
The waiter gives the man a strange look.
"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"
The man shakes his head,
"Please taste the soup, waiter."
The waiter gets flustered, he told the chef off multiple times for ruining orders.
"Is it too hot, or perhaps too cold, sir?"
The man shakes his head again, and shouts.
"Would you just taste the soup?!"
"Alright, alright!"
The waiter reaches down and touches an empty napkin.
"Where's the spoon?"
I wrote the joke from memory, source below.
Multiple links, in case one of them drops dead:
https://youtu.be/4ORMeSJsYIM
https://youtu.be/N3jx4WIUYy4
https://youtu.be/IA1gNwQftsM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhrjo8/a_man_orders_soup_at_the_restaraunt_but_as_soon/
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One of my favourite jokes

A man wakes up in a dingy slum with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhrjgz/one_of_my_favourite_jokes/
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Due to intense training I've mastered Ninjitsu, Judo and...

Two other Japanese words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhrfrw/due_to_intense_training_ive_mastered_ninjitsu/
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I Named My Dog Jack...

When he starts humping my leg I yell at him "Jack off, Jack off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhrbq2/i_named_my_dog_jack/
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My Grandmother used to tell us this knock knock joke

She would say "knock, knock" and we would say "who's there?" then she would say "I can't remember" and start to cry.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhrbif/my_grandmother_used_to_tell_us_this_knock_knock/
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Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to go to sleep?

It was pasta bedtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhr6mp/why_did_the_meatballs_tell_the_spaghetti_to_go_to/
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During 1945, 2 Russian pilots crashed their plane

On the radio, their last words were.
“Hey Ivan you always say you want make joke at your dying breath, what is it?” Said the co-pilot.
The pilot turns around
“Nothin’ much, just that we are Stalin’. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhr5hm/during_1945_2_russian_pilots_crashed_their_plane/
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Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school.

Fred is all excited: “Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens the door.
Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhr1w6/two_teenagers_fred_and_joe_meet_after_school/
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Wanna hear a killer joke?

A neighbor comes over and asks to borrow some lettuce.
Me: "Look in the fridge, I'm sure there must be a head in there somewhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhqtkz/wanna_hear_a_killer_joke/
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A kid gets on the bus and sits right behind the driver every day.

After getting seated the child would play a game. He would always think of a new animal and say
"if my mommy was a shark and my daddy was a shark, I would be a little shark"
"If my mommy was a lizard and my daddy was a lizard, i would be a little lizard!"
He would keep going until he departed the bus, much to the drivers annoyance. The next day the kid sits on the bus and sat right behind the driver and started again.
"If my mommy was a giraffe and my daddy was a giraffe, i would be a little giraffe!"
"If my mommy was a piggy and my daddy was a piggy i would be a little piggy!"
The bus driver had just about had enough but decided to not say anything this day.
The next day the boy gets on the bus and sits behind the driver and starts again.
"If my mommy was a goose and my daddy was a goose, i would be a little goose!"
"If my mommy was a lion and my daddy was a lion i would be a little lion!"
The bus driver finally looses it and stops the bus. He turns around to the child and shouts
"WHAT IF YOUR MOTHER WAS A WHORE AND YOUR FATHER WAS A DRUNK?"
The kid smiles at him and says "then I'd be a bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhqsn6/a_kid_gets_on_the_bus_and_sits_right_behind_the/
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What’s worse than waking up and finding out that there’s a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out that it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhqqcl/whats_worse_than_waking_up_and_finding_out_that/
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Joke comes from my 11 year old friend at the park: What kind of container should you store your underwear in?

A brief case!
He also added its made of cardboard because "boxers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhqow4/joke_comes_from_my_11_year_old_friend_at_the_park/
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Everyone's heard of Schrodinger's cat, but have you heard of Doppler's cat

mmmmmeeeeEEEEEOOOOWwwwww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhqnlf/everyones_heard_of_schrodingers_cat_but_have_you/
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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhqnhn/this_asshole_thought_that_just_because_some_fancy/
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My ex-wife still misses me..

But her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhqmkc/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhqm8z/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
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What’s the difference between 20 dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhqkvn/whats_the_difference_between_20_dead_babies_and_a/
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Thor doesn’t get tipsy

He’s always hammered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhqjkc/thor_doesnt_get_tipsy/
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Is manual arousal unhealthy?

Using two hands can result in the clap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhqj8k/is_manual_arousal_unhealthy/
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An old proverb once read, "he who hesitates

...is uh..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhq6bs/an_old_proverb_once_read_he_who_hesitates/
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Did you know that trump wants to ban shredded cheese?

He wants to make America grate again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhpwv2/did_you_know_that_trump_wants_to_ban_shredded/
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Why did the Mexican start taking Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhphou/why_did_the_mexican_start_taking_xanax/
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What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking "oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhp9qa/whats_similar_between_a_pregnant_14_year_old_and/
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What is he difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero and the other is a simple command

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhp99y/what_is_he_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
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What is the best way to avoid asian flu?

Have a Phu shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhp8ab/what_is_the_best_way_to_avoid_asian_flu/
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A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no! Not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhp2f8/a_woman_who_is_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a/
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One man's trash is another man's treasure

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhp150/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
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A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18.

So he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128.  Again he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd
race and again wins $770!
He keep doing this for each race, and finally on the last race he puts his entire winnings so far - $1,941,550!
The crowds are all around him watching this race, because at 8:1 odds he can win $15,532,402!
They're off!  Everybody is cheering an urging on the horse, who seems to slide back a bit, and comes in last!  Everybody
is so disappointed - a truly exciting day.
The man goes home and his friend asks him how'd he do at the truck.  He answers: "I lost $2."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhornz/a_man_goes_to_the_track_and_bets_2_on_a_long_shot/
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Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhorck/relationships_are_a_lot_like_algebra/
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I used to work as a bouncer for a night club.

One day a guy walks up and he is clearly inebriated.
He tells you, “I’m going into that nightclub” *hick*
Knowing you are not allowed to tell him “no” because he is drunk you tell him he can’t go in without a tie.
He said that’s fair and stumbles over to the boot of the car.
He comes back a few minutes later with jumper cables tied around his neck.
“I have a tie can I come in now”
You look at him and say,
“Sure... I guess. But don’t start anything”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhontp/i_used_to_work_as_a_bouncer_for_a_night_club/
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Teacher asked me what’s my view on lesbian relationships

Apparently ‘in full HD’ wasn’t a right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhon2o/teacher_asked_me_whats_my_view_on_lesbian/
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I used to be a history teacher but I quit...

I just couldn't see a future in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhoieh/i_used_to_be_a_history_teacher_but_i_quit/
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I used to be a farmer but I quit...

I woke up one day and realised I was in The wrong field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhoi10/i_used_to_be_a_farmer_but_i_quit/
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I used to be a 911 operator but I quit...

It just wasn't my calling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhohoi/i_used_to_be_a_911_operator_but_i_quit/
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Little Johnny

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell, and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers. He's holding a beer, smoking a fat cigar, and kicks a used condom away from the doorway.
The salesman says, "Young man, is your mother home?"
Little Johnny takes a swig of beer and says, "What the fuck do you think?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhoc7p/little_johnny/
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The priest called me in to his office to congratulate me on my First Communion.

It was a touching experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bho9ji/the_priest_called_me_in_to_his_office_to/
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My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.

He got all pissed at me because he tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bho7le/my_friend_is_a_jehovas_witness/
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What do u call a unicorns dad?

What do u call a unicorns Dad?
Popcorn!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bho6rh/what_do_u_call_a_unicorns_dad/
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A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse.

“How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!”
“I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He convinced me the dress looked so good I had to buy it!”
The pastor consoled his wife with a hand on her shoulder. “In those moments, my love, you’ve got to yell out loud, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’”
“I did that,” the wife explained, “and he said, ‘The dress even looks good from back here.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bho5ua/a_pastor_was_enraged_when_he_found_a_bill_for_a/
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The size of a man's penis, dicktates how long it takes for him to finish,

Men with small penises, finish quickly.
Men with large penises, finish slowly.
Men with gargantuan penises never fi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhnw8q/the_size_of_a_mans_penis_dicktates_how_long_it/
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender."
I just heard this one, so sorry if it's a repeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhnuuk/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
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We all know that if you assume in the USA it makes and ass out of u and me. But what does assuming do in China?

Makes an ass out of u and Ming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhnswy/we_all_know_that_if_you_assume_in_the_usa_it/
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What's at least 6 inches long, goes in your mouth, and better if it vibrates?

A toothbrush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhnlj9/whats_at_least_6_inches_long_goes_in_your_mouth/
%
Say what you will about porn stars...

But they’re fucking professionals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhnci1/say_what_you_will_about_porn_stars/
%
Me

Im a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhn9ae/me/
%
What is the name of the surgical procedure for FTM gender reassignment?

It's called an addadictomy. (add a dick to me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhn3dt/what_is_the_name_of_the_surgical_procedure_for/
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Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!

Well, that's the last time we get the tailor to cook the food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmzjh/waiter_waiter_theres_a_fly_in_my_soup/
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An English couple adopt a little German boy.

After two years the child doesn’t speak and the parents are worried about him. After three years he has not spoken and by his fourth birthday he still has not uttered a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is a lovely child and on his fourth birthday they throw him a party and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the little German boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not like the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”
My god,” his mother says, “you can speak?”
To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”
How come you have never spoken before? “his father asks.
“Well,” the boy says, “up till now everything has been satisfactory.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmye2/an_english_couple_adopt_a_little_german_boy/
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Who is Elton John’s favorite Guardian of the Galaxy?

Rocket, man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmw43/who_is_elton_johns_favorite_guardian_of_the_galaxy/
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How does Jesus stay in shape?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmtiq/how_does_jesus_stay_in_shape/
%
Why doesn’t Elton John eat Iceberg lettuce?

Because he is a Rocket man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmt19/why_doesnt_elton_john_eat_iceberg_lettuce/
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This guy keeps making cheese jokes...

...how dairy!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmsxk/this_guy_keeps_making_cheese_jokes/
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What is one thing you can say about a car but not your girlfriend.

It died a week ago, but I still use the parts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmrbq/what_is_one_thing_you_can_say_about_a_car_but_not/
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You wanna hear about the time I gave my girl a shot of sodium, bromine, and oxygen?

NaBrO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmqeb/you_wanna_hear_about_the_time_i_gave_my_girl_a/
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I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."
The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"
Wanting to save face I quickly replied, "No, Father, that's the name of that fish. It's a Sonofabitch fish."
The priest was relieved and we began walking back to the rectory and a nun met us at the door.
The priest greeted her and said, "Check out the Sonofabitch I just caught."
The nun, shocked, exclaimed, "Father, never in my life-"
The priest interrupted her and said, "No, Sister, that's the name. It's a Sonofabitch fish.
The nun was relieved and took the fish to be gutted. After gutting the fish, she brought it out back where the Deacon was heating up the grill. The nun said, "Deacon, here, I gutted this Sonofabitch for you."
The Deacon, shaking his head, said, "Sister, that language is unbecoming."
The nun replied, "No Deacon, that's the name. It's a Sonofabitch fish."
The Deacon shrugged it off and said, "Alright, I'll put it on the grill. The Bishop is coming over for dinner and he loves seafood."
When the Bishop arrived we all sat down at the table. The priest brings out the cooked fish and says, "I caught this Sonofabitch myself."
"And I gutted this Sonofabitch."
"And I grilled this Sonofabitch."
The Bishop looked around. He took his hat off, leaned in and said,
"Now you motherfuckers are my kind of people."
Update: Thanks for the gold, fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmmgt/i_wanted_to_get_to_know_the_new_priest_at_my/
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I’ve got this new hobby. I pay for the services of multiple prostitutes, but I do NOT have sex with them. I just place them together and “fold” them into interesting shapes like cranes and flowers.

It’s called Whore-a-gami.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmkvg/ive_got_this_new_hobby_i_pay_for_the_services_of/
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Did you hear about the octopus who got bad grades?

His parents were up in arms over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmjj4/did_you_hear_about_the_octopus_who_got_bad_grades/
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What did the German sausage say to its friend?

You are the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmjgg/what_did_the_german_sausage_say_to_its_friend/
%
I don’t usually like to make jokes about elements

But I do periodically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmi8t/i_dont_usually_like_to_make_jokes_about_elements/
%
***WARNING: ENDGAME SPOILERS***

Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party going down at my place tomorrow night. Hit me up if you're interested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmhuq/warning_endgame_spoilers/
%
A guy asks Alexa to define "rendezvous"...

Alexa: As a noun, rendezvous is usually defined as an agreement between two or more persons to meet at a certain time and place.
Guy: Spell it.
Alexa: It is spelled, I. T.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmhoe/a_guy_asks_alexa_to_define_rendezvous/
%
There are three kinds of people in the world

Those who can count and those who can't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmf4o/there_are_three_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
%
If you want a whore, buy one. If you want a queen...

Go fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhmalh/if_you_want_a_whore_buy_one_if_you_want_a_queen/
%
A couple were taking a walk in the park, when they saw this dog licking its balls...

"Hell yeah! I wish I could do that! Says the dude.
"Well" his wife replied, "maybe you should pet him first?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhm8c2/a_couple_were_taking_a_walk_in_the_park_when_they/
%
Ever hear of the movie “Constipation”?

Probably not since it hasn’t come out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhm7hy/ever_hear_of_the_movie_constipation/
%
The wife isn’t speaking to me after I had “I Love You” tattooed on my dick

Apparently it’s typical of me, always trying to put words in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhm5t2/the_wife_isnt_speaking_to_me_after_i_had_i_love/
%
What do you call it when you put a baby in a freezer?

**Chilled abuse**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhm3h0/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_put_a_baby_in_a/
%
My boss told me to work hard yesterday.

So this morning I took a viagra and have been working hard for almost four hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhm22q/my_boss_told_me_to_work_hard_yesterday/
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A man is sitting in a bar alone...

...after a few beers he needs to visit the restroom.
The restroom is empty except for one man by the urinal (one of those big stainless steel urinals without stalls).
The man walks over to the urinal and starts unzipping his pants.
He glances over at the other man and notices that his head is constantly twitching.
The man feels a bit ashamed for looking but is also curious about the twitching.
The twitching man is finished doing his business and starts to walk away, the mans curiousness gets the better of him.
\- No offence but why are you twitching like that?
\- It’s due to a war injury, I was in Vietnam.
The twitching guy leaves and the man starts doing what he came to do.
As the twitching guy is leaving a dwarf comes into the restroom and goes straight over to the urinal.
The dwarf stands next to the man and after a few seconds the man notices that the dwarf is also twitching his head.
\- Hey, were you also in Vietnam?
\- No it's just splashing like hell!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhm1xy/a_man_is_sitting_in_a_bar_alone/
%
A woman wants a facelift and her surgeon tells her about a new procedure

"We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob."
"That sounds good," she says.
Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that the dial is giving her bags under her eyes.
"I'm sorry," replies the surgeon, "but those aren't bags -- those are your tits."
"Oh," says the woman, "well that explains the goatee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhlzk0/a_woman_wants_a_facelift_and_her_surgeon_tells/
%
Are you tired of people bothering you? Do you just want to be left alone? L

Carry a clip board around and try to make eye contact with people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhlzf5/are_you_tired_of_people_bothering_you_do_you_just/
%
A man walks into a bar

but the barman isn't there. He sits down at the bar and decides to eat one of the the peanuts. Sudddenly he hears a voice
"You are very handsome"
He looks around and he's still alone. A minute passes and he decides to have another nut and he hears the voice again.
"And very well dressed"
Still no one is around and he's very confused.
He wants to summon the barman but he's too nervous to raise his voice so he decides to go over to the juke box and play some music to catch the barman attention. But as soon as he puts some money in he hears a voice say
"You're ugly and dumb and nobody loves you!"
Then the barman appears and the man says
"Barman, what's going on? I ate some nuts and heard some lovely compliments but when I tried to use the jukebox I heard horrid insults"
And the barman says
"That's because the nuts are complimentary but the jukebox is out of order."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhlywz/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What stands in a field and goes "Oooooooooh!"?

A cow with no lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhlxaa/what_stands_in_a_field_and_goes_oooooooooh/
%
Dad joke alert! What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhlwvi/dad_joke_alert_what_is_made_out_of_brass_and/
%
What goes in hard and pink but comes out soft and mushy?

Bubblegum -- and you should be ashamed of yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhlojl/what_goes_in_hard_and_pink_but_comes_out_soft_and/
%
Justice is a dish best served cold,

if it were served warm it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhlm4i/justice_is_a_dish_best_served_cold/
%
"Mommy! Why were you bouncing on daddy's belly last night?"

Little Timmy's mom was taken aback by his question
"Erm.. I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat . Bouncing keeps him skinny"
"That's not going to work!", Timmy replied back
"Why not?"
"Because babysitter Tina keeps blowing him back up again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhlj7h/mommy_why_were_you_bouncing_on_daddys_belly_last/
%
Why can't pessimists work in drug testing?

They can't see any positives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhlh0r/why_cant_pessimists_work_in_drug_testing/
%
Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.

***Madame:*** What can we do for you?
***Tyrion:*** I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.
***Madame:*** Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?
***Tyrion:*** My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey...
***Madame:*** And what about the third wish?
***Tyrion:*** Well... she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee.
***Madame:*** Well that one's not so bad eh?
***Tyrion:*** *Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhl893/tyrion_walks_into_a_brothel_with_a_honeycomb_and/
%
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?!"
She laughed, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhl84r/a_lady_comes_home_from_her_doctors_appointment/
%
It’s hard to tell, as I’m so dizzy from twirling, but

it looks like the rest of the losers in this spin class are just sitting on bikes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhl19w/its_hard_to_tell_as_im_so_dizzy_from_twirling_but/
%
Little Johnny

One rainy day little Johnny was inside playing with his toys. He heard a loud crashing and he turned round to see what it was. It was a man with a big bushy beard, a baseball cap and a ripped suit on.
“Who are you?” Asked little Johnny
“I’m you” replied the man “you from the future”
“Oh my gosh!” Shouted little Johnny.
“I have so many questions! What happens to me? What do I grow up to be?”
“A paedophile” he whispered as he locked the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhl0m8/little_johnny/
%
A blonde woman goes to the doctor

She says "Doctor, I recently started talking to myself a lot and I'm worried about my mental health"
He calms her down and says "Don't worry, people talk to themselves all the time, I do it too"
So then she responds "Yeah but you're talking to a doctor, I'm just talking with this dumb blonde chick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhl0jl/a_blonde_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
MAYOR ENDGAME SPOILERS AHEAD!

Ok now that all the nerds are gone, I'm throwing an epic party at my house tomorrow and you're all invited!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhl0fh/mayor_endgame_spoilers_ahead/
%
Silver walks up to gold at a bar and says

''Au, get outta here''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhl0bi/silver_walks_up_to_gold_at_a_bar_and_says/
%
I sent a memo to my secretary about her invite to the upcoming sexual innuendo in the workplace seminar

I said I had to give her one and if she couldn’t come then I would have to fill her slot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhkywm/i_sent_a_memo_to_my_secretary_about_her_invite_to/
%
Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"
The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent!"
The civil engineer says "No, you're both wrong. Who else but a civil engineer would run a sewer line trough a recreational area?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhkvoz/three_engineers_are_trying_to_figure_out_what/
%
The 3 unwritten rules of life

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhkr4g/the_3_unwritten_rules_of_life/
%
If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhkpyv/if_you_forget_the_rules_of_chess_dont_worry/
%
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”,

because one man’s junk is another man’s treasure!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhkphg/im_opening_a_new_gay_club_called_garage_sale/
%
I like my women like I like my sandwich

ready on the table after a long day of work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhkoz2/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_sandwich/
%
A boy and a talking dog

A young boy goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.
"Dad" he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!
They actually have a program here in our institution that will teach our dog, Jack, how to talk!"
"That's amazing,"his father says. "How do I get Jack in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $10,000" the young boy says " and I'll get him in the course."
So his father sends the dog and$10,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.The boy calls home.
"So how's Jack doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read ??"says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Jack in that program?"
"Just send $20,000, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Jack? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad" the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jack was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading The Economic Times, like he usually does. Then Jack turned to me and asked, so, is your father still having an affair with that pretty lady Rachel who lives down the street ?"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, dad!
"That's my boy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhkiiv/a_boy_and_a_talking_dog/
%
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhkh7n/today_i_learned_that_humans_eat_more_bananas_than/
%
Why does Putin's laptop have 1 TB of RAM?

KGB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhk7mu/why_does_putins_laptop_have_1_tb_of_ram/
%
Dave was born without eyelids so they circumcised him and used the skin.

This left him a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhk1pw/dave_was_born_without_eyelids_so_they_circumcised/
%
9/11 jokes aren't funny,

but the other two are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhk05x/911_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Someone just knocked on my door, asking for donations for a new community swimming pool

So I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhjyx9/someone_just_knocked_on_my_door_asking_for/
%
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I grabbed it and ran out of the building
Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$600 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhjs1q/i_was_in_a_job_interview_today_when_the_manager/
%
What do you think of photons being massless?

-Doesn't matter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhjr8h/what_do_you_think_of_photons_being_massless/
%
The CIA is now on Instagram...

the least you can do it follow them back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhjmw7/the_cia_is_now_on_instagram/
%
What will you do to save the Notre Dame?

Notre Dame thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhjjvn/what_will_you_do_to_save_the_notre_dame/
%
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhjjen/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
%
A pregnant woman gets kicked by someone

Woman : So you're just gonna let him kick me?
Husband : Honey, that's our baby kicking.
Woman : HE'S KICKING A PREGNANT WOMAN, JOHN!
Husband : What did I marry into?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhjhba/a_pregnant_woman_gets_kicked_by_someone/
%
What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder
(creds to a friend)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhje8i/what_do_you_call_an_asseating_sea_creature/
%
Why did the kelp attend Pride?

Because it was part of the algae-BT community.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhj9fe/why_did_the_kelp_attend_pride/
%
Where do sheep go to get drunk?

a baaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhj6o3/where_do_sheep_go_to_get_drunk/
%
Three men at a class about etiquette...

...are asked how they would tell a woman on a first date that they need to use the bathroom.
The first one shrugs. "Easy. I just tell her: Sorry, but I gotta go to the toilet."
The teacher shakes his head disapprovingly. "No, no, way too blunt."
The second one goes: "Well, everyone has to go sometimes and it's time for me."
"Not too bad", the teacher admits, "but still not quiet good."
The third man thinks for a while and then says: "Excuse me, my dear, I just have to go and shake an old friends hand. You will make his acquaintance later tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhj4xf/three_men_at_a_class_about_etiquette/
%
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle the bitch to death'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhj02g/the_fbi_had_an_opening_for_an_assassin/
%
Why do cows wear bells?

Their horns don’t work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhioe5/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
%
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a plane crash. Who survives?

America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhijjq/donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton_are_in_a_plane/
%
If bees start writing software

Beware

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhihui/if_bees_start_writing_software/
%
I’m gonna name my kid Jesus Christ

.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhihm5/im_gonna_name_my_kid_jesus_christ/
%
I asked my wife if i was the only one she'd been with

She said yes, the others were sevens or eights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhihe5/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_shed_been/
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My friend says, “man I hate myself.”

I say, “hey, man, you need to think better of yourself. You’re a good person and a good friend.”
My friend says, “it’s hard for me to do that.”
I say, “Really? I don’t find it so hard to lie to myself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhifs6/my_friend_says_man_i_hate_myself/
%
Given up hunting, fishing & drinking

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhibvd/given_up_hunting_fishing_drinking/
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I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein first proposed that Time is Relative.

Seems like only yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhibux/i_cant_believe_its_been_more_than_100_years_since/
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I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee. Like a psychopath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhiaum/i_saw_this_guy_today_at_starbucks_no_iphone_no/
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A friend of mine stole my broken pen but later returned it.

That doesn't make it write.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhiana/a_friend_of_mine_stole_my_broken_pen_but_later/
%
A cop pulls over a driver...

A cop pulls over a driver and says that because he was wearing his seatbelt he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition.
“What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked.
The man responded “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”
At that moment his wife sitting next to him chimed in, “Officer don’t listen to him. He’s a smart-ass when he’s drunk.”
This woke up the guy in the backseat who, when he saw the cop said “I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.”
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked “Are we over the border yet?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhi80z/a_cop_pulls_over_a_driver/
%
Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions?

I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhi6sy/dont_you_hate_it_when_people_answer_their_own/
%
How does Anakin like his sex?

Course, rough and getting everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhi6fs/how_does_anakin_like_his_sex/
%
I'm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhi66g/im_so_good_at_sleeping/
%
This is your captain speaking.

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhi4c3/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
%
A threesome!

So a Polack brags to his buddy, "Man, what a night I had last night. I had a threesome!"
"Really?" his buddy says. "A threesome?"
"Yep," says the Polack. "With twins!"
His buddy says, "Twins! That's awesome! But let me ask you: how could you tell them apart?"
And the Polack says, "It was easy. One of them had a beard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhi2dm/a_threesome/
%
How many 14 year old boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Hehe I said screw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhhzhk/how_many_14_year_old_boys_does_it_take_to_screw/
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Two friends go hunting...

One gets mauled by a bear
Survivor calls 911
Survivor: “My friend was attacked by a bear and I think he’s dead”
911: “Can you confirm he is dead?”
*pop*
Survivor: “Okay now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhhxg1/two_friends_go_hunting/
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I went to the Black Hole Nightclub.

It was really boring but the potential was infinite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhhslh/i_went_to_the_black_hole_nightclub/
%
Cardi B. and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

...I forgot the rest of the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhhowy/cardi_b_and_bill_cosby_walk_into_a_bar/
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Joke I heard from a 15 year old in high school. (He has some learning disabilities and was completely serious about this joke being funny)

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cheese-it.
Cheese-it who?
Cheese outta here!
He then proceeds to giggle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhhlpn/joke_i_heard_from_a_15_year_old_in_high_school_he/
%
This is not a joke.

I just hope you really have a nice day and to keep on smiling. The world needs more smiles and you should be part of it. Never let anything bring you down, and never give up on the most ambitious and outrageous projects.
Have a nice day.
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhhlm6/this_is_not_a_joke/
%
I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME!" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhhiev/i_feel_sorry_for_the_hypnotist_i_saw_last_night/
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What song does Trump play while going to a Mexican family's house?

Ice, Ice, Baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhhidh/what_song_does_trump_play_while_going_to_a/
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TIL: Pigeons die after having sex

Well the one I fucked did...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhhi3f/til_pigeons_die_after_having_sex/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhh83k/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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I’ve hit rock bottom...

...and got a restraining order from Dwayne Johnson because of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhh816/ive_hit_rock_bottom/
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I help blind children.

Verb, not an adjective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhh6yn/i_help_blind_children/
%
I should have my own netflix series,

Cause gee do I have alot of episodes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhh3jq/i_should_have_my_own_netflix_series/
%
What has a mouth but never talks, runs but never walks, has a bed and never sleeps?

A river

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhh1xw/what_has_a_mouth_but_never_talks_runs_but_never/
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When I die I'm going to entrust my money to a Nigerian prince

...on the condition that he can find a valid US bank account to transfer it to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgyhb/when_i_die_im_going_to_entrust_my_money_to_a/
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A white guy gets “Wendy” tattooed on his dick.

It only shows “Wy” when flaccid.
He goes on vacation to Jamaica. In the bathroom peeing, he glances over at a Jamaican guy next to him and sees “Wy” tattooed on his dick too.
He says, What a coincidence! Is your wife named Wendy too?
The Jamaican man notices the guy’s dick tattoo and says, Nah mon.. mine says “Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgwv6/a_white_guy_gets_wendy_tattooed_on_his_dick/
%
I told the truth

When my friend shook my hand and asked why it was sticky. I said "**cum on,** don't sweat the small stuff."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgv0o/i_told_the_truth/
%
What do a hamster and a cigarette have in common?

They're both harmless until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgten/what_do_a_hamster_and_a_cigarette_have_in_common/
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Little Johnny had an accident.

One day, while working on the family farm, Little Johnny fell and badly damaged his left eye. The doctors couldn’t save it, so it was removed.
His family didn’t have the money for a fancy prosthesis, so his dad whittled him a wooden eye, and carefully painted and lacquered it. From a distance, you couldn’t even tell it was fake.
Johnny eventually grew accustomed to it, and regained his confidence enough to go stag at the next school dance. Once there, he marched up to the girl he’d had a crush on since the fourth grade, and asked her if she’d like to dance.
“Would I? Would I?” she exclaimed happily.
“Hey!” said little Johnny. “I didn’t say anything about your harelip!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgsfc/little_johnny_had_an_accident/
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I'm not sure if I've heard that "Quasimodo has a hunch about who started the Notre Dame fire" joke before.

But it sure does ring a bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgpnn/im_not_sure_if_ive_heard_that_quasimodo_has_a/
%
Interviewer: So, describe yourself in three words

Me: Lazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgnhf/interviewer_so_describe_yourself_in_three_words/
%
What has three balls and flies through space?

E.T. The Extra Testicle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgndy/what_has_three_balls_and_flies_through_space/
%
Little Johnny had a question...

So he went to his father and asked him, “Dad, what’s a tranvestite?”
His father replied, “Never you mind. Now, be a good lad and unhook daddy’s bra.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgj54/little_johnny_had_a_question/
%
It’s weird that we count votes based on body parts...

Let me see all the eyes... now the nose...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgj3g/its_weird_that_we_count_votes_based_on_body_parts/
%
Why do Canadians Do it doggie style

So they both can watch the hockey game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgglb/why_do_canadians_do_it_doggie_style/
%
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgedk/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_after_they_die/
%
“Your resume says that you take things too literally sometimes.”

Applicant:  “When the hell did my resume start to talk?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhge1z/your_resume_says_that_you_take_things_too/
%
Friend of mine had bad pain from arthritis in his knee. He ended up being one of the first to have knee replacement surgeries...

back in the day when they made them out of iron.
When he was a bit older, he had to have an MRI done, and they didn’t check that he had metal in his body. Once the machine was turned on, it started pulling the knee right out socket, and he started screaming in pain – “Oh the iron knee, the iron knee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgcxf/friend_of_mine_had_bad_pain_from_arthritis_in_his/
%
A very pious Jew is praying to God.

He says “Oh God, I’ve read all of your words, studied the speeches of your prophets, but one thing has eluded me. If you could just tell me your name I would die a happy man.”
The man is startled to see God himself descend from the heavens, and listens as God whispers his name into the man’s ear.
“No way!” The man shouts upon hearing this from God’s own mouth.
“Yahweh” replies God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgcf0/a_very_pious_jew_is_praying_to_god/
%
If Hillary Clinton was elected, she would have been the first f president.

I would say female, but the emale got deleted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhgcbt/if_hillary_clinton_was_elected_she_would_have/
%
Why are strippers like rocks?

You skip the flat ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhg9sw/why_are_strippers_like_rocks/
%
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer...

One asks "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
The other responds "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhg7j1/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
%
I was diagnosed with an advanced case of mono...

The doctor told me it's now classified as stereo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhg493/i_was_diagnosed_with_an_advanced_case_of_mono/
%
What do you call a Jamaican hooker?

a rasta-tute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhg3gy/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_hooker/
%
Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tube, place it in the machine & then pay it $20 bucks. Then out comes a printed diagnosis that tells you everything that’s going wrong & what to do about it!
No shit! the 1st guy says. Well, I’ll give that a try!
The next day he curiously goes into the fancy drug store & follows the directions on the machine, pays the fee & waits patiently thinking.... there is NO WAY this really works, I mean how he wondered....  Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted as the machine starts printing something. The man takes the paper & looks at it...
IT READ : You have tennis elbow— Use ice & heat up 8 x per day 15-20 mins each time over next 24 hours & monitor closely for approx. 2 weeks to see improvements.
The man looked around stunned & says I’ll be damned. That night he’s laying in the bed, mesmerized at this new technology. Because he’s an engineer by trade his mind starts to wonder.... He thinks I’ve got an idea on how to really test how precise that damn machine is & goes to sleep.
The next day he gets up earlier than usual, excited to test that machines abilities to the max—
& so he begins. Thinking... how to execute his plan exactly.  First he noticed his wife forgot to flush just before she stepped into the shower. So he scoops out a wee bit of her pee & flushes the toilet!
As odds might have it, later that morning his daughter forgot to flush as well— so he scoops out a bit of her pee too. Now with his concoction of pee in hand, he decides to do one of his favorite activities & jerk off in it, you know... just for good measure! Then puts a cap on it & heads straight downtown to the machine, quickly places his sample into it & WAITS. He was waiting much longer this time when he thought, I’ve got this machine trapped now, hahaha. Seconds later the machine starts printing something. The man so obsessed with testing the machine, grabs the print out. IT READ: You’re wife’s pregnant, she’s got twins, they’re not yours... so get a lawyer. Your daughter’s on cocaine, she’s addicted, get her into rehab & if you don’t quit playing with yourself so much your elbow’s never getting any better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhg1dx/two_guys_are_playing_tennis_one_said_to_the_other/
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It should be in the military protocol to masturbate before shower

It's unsafe to clean a loaded gun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhg0vi/it_should_be_in_the_military_protocol_to/
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhfv0k/how_many_mystery_writers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I started a business selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhfrrh/i_started_a_business_selling_land_mines_disguised/
%
A husband and wife were asleep in bed one evening when the phone rang loudly and woke them up. Annoyed, the wife crawled out of bed and picked it up.

“Hello?!” she answered with irritation. “How would I know? We live in the middle of the city, you idiot!”
She hung up the phone and fell back into bed.
“Who was that?” the husband asked groggily.
“Some stupid woman asking if the coast was clear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhfnuw/a_husband_and_wife_were_asleep_in_bed_one_evening/
%
Anyone interested in buying a broken barometer?

No pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhfmp9/anyone_interested_in_buying_a_broken_barometer/
%
Why don’t hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?

Because you don’t turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhfhll/why_dont_hillbillies_ever_try_reverse_cowgirl/
%
A guy goes ice fishing

He finds a suitable spot and starts to auger a hole.  Just then he hears a booming  voice from above:
“There’s no fish there!”
Guy freaks out, grabs his stuff in a hurry, finds another spot, starts a-drillin’.
“There’s no fish there!”
Really getting spooked, hightails it to spot number three.  Again with the ice auger.
“There’s no fish there!”
Summons up his courage, he looks up and yells:
“Is this God?”
“No, it’s the arena manager!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhfefy/a_guy_goes_ice_fishing/
%
Short and Simple

I asked my friend if he looked at Reddit recently.
He replied, "Read it? I hardly saw it!"
~~Yes this is lame I am aware~~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhf8nt/short_and_simple/
%
A good romance starts with trust, kindness, and mutual respect.

**A bad romance starts with RAH RAH AH AH AH...**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhf7nd/a_good_romance_starts_with_trust_kindness_and/
%
What does one German bread says to the other?

Gluten Tag!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhf7bt/what_does_one_german_bread_says_to_the_other/
%
An officer says

I'm sorry sir but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus
'Yeah but she has a great personality though'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhf6ok/an_officer_says/
%
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'It is three o'clock in the morning.'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No. I did not. Its three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!'
His wife said, 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we
broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out
into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello! Are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes! Please!' comes the reply from the darkness.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing!!' replies the drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhf32n/a_man_and_his_wife_are_awakened_at_3_oclock_in/
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What language do metallic fruits periodically speak?

Manganese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhf0tv/what_language_do_metallic_fruits_periodically/
%
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.  One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.
EDIT AGAIN:  Thank you for the gold and platinum!  I am honored!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bheyfg/how_many_mystery_writers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhexa5/the_owner_of_a_drug_store_walks_in_to_find_a_guy/
%
I watched a documentary about hydroelectricity last night.

Best dam movie I’ve seen in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhewbr/i_watched_a_documentary_about_hydroelectricity/
%
Friends are like potatoes...

If you eat them they die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bheug0/friends_are_like_potatoes/
%
What are Donald Trump's favorite kind of nuts?

Walnuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhern3/what_are_donald_trumps_favorite_kind_of_nuts/
%
Where does the general keep his armies?

Up his sleevies :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhelge/where_does_the_general_keep_his_armies/
%
A man dies, goes to heaven and meets up with St. Peter in his office

He notices a bunch of clocks and asks St. Peter:
-What are these clocks used for ?-
- Each one is a city in America. The faster it spins the more crime there is in that city. -
-Hold on where's San Francisco. -
-Oh I keep that one in my living room and use it as a fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhehv4/a_man_dies_goes_to_heaven_and_meets_up_with_st/
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Friend: What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad one?

Me: Timing, delivery, word choice, audience?
Friend: Knowing when to shut up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhegok/friend_whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke/
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A Pop-Art Joke.

I am a high school art teacher. I do a unit on pop art in which we look at some works by Claes Oldenburg. For those who don’t know his work, he is known for making huge versions of ordinary everyday objects. One of his works we look at is an 80-foot-high sculpture of a clothespin that’s in Philadelphia. A kid raises his hand.
Kid: “you know what we could do if that guy made another one?”
Me: “no, what?”
Kid: “hang your Mom’s panties out to dry.”
This was about 10 years ago. Definitely one of the funniest moments from my career. I had no choice but to laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhegg0/a_popart_joke/
%
Two Irish lads walking home from a pub...

Along the way, the older of the two starts babbling.
"You see that barn over there, Laddie? I built that barn with me own two hands. Framed it, roofed it, did it all me self. But do they call me a barn builder, Laddie? No, no they don't."
The two continue walking.
"You see that fence there, Laddie? I built that fence with me own two hands. Cut the posts, ran the wire, did it all me self. But do they call me a fence builder, Laddie? No, no they don't."
Getting more excited now, the older man continues, "You see this road we're walking on, Laddie? I built this damn road with me own two hands. Leveled the land, laid the stones, DID IT ALL ME SELF. But do they call me a road builder, Laddie? No, no they don't."
"But you fuck one blamin' goat and you're a goat fucker for life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhefl0/two_irish_lads_walking_home_from_a_pub/
%
What does it mean when a girl in your bed is gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhedm0/what_does_it_mean_when_a_girl_in_your_bed_is/
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I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show up

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhedfz/i_invited_my_girlfriend_to_go_to_the_gym_with_me/
%
The crab just caught a train...

...from the Crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bheabz/the_crab_just_caught_a_train/
%
A blind guy walks in a diner...

He sits down at a table and the owner comes up to him.
"Hello sir, goodevening would you like to see a menu or do you know what you want?"
To which the man replies," I'm sorry I'm blind but I'll tell you what, bring me a dirty fork from for recommended plate."
Confused, but interested the owner agrees and goes to the kitchen and asks his wife for a fork from the sink. With an inquisitive look on her face she hands him the fork and he returns to the table and hands it to the man.
He smells it and responds to the owner, "wow, this spaghetti smells great! I'll take this!"
Astonished the owner immediately goes to the kitchen and fixes the gentleman his dinner. Nothing else was said, the blind man finishes his meal and tips generously.
The next day he returns and sits at the same table.
"I remember you! I'll be right back sir!"
The owner goes back to the kitchen and says "hey Karen that guy is back hand me a spoon this time!" Without looking up she reaches in the sink and grabs a spoon from a bowl and hands it to him.
He rushes out and gives the man the spoon to which he replies," you read my mind! And the pea soup smells excellent , I'll have that please!"
Once again the man finishes his meal tips generously and then leaves.
AGAIN about the same time the next day the man comes in and sits down at his table. Seeing him walk in; the owner grabs a clean fork and hands it to his wife.
"I'm not buying this guys trick anymore, theres no way this guy is really blind! Here stick this down your pants and rub yourself with it."
Without another moment he scurries to the table and hands the fork to the man with a big grin on his face. The man takes the fork and gives it a big whiff, "Mmmm, tell Karen I said hi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhe959/a_blind_guy_walks_in_a_diner/
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A traveling salesman calls home...

His eldest son answers the phone. He asks his son how everyone is doing, son tells him everyone is fine, but the cat died. The salesman is heartbroken. He tells his son that he needs to break things like this more delicately. The son asks how.
The salesman tells him to be more delicate. First you tell me the cats stuck on the roof, the next phone call maybe say the cat fell off the roof but you think he’ll be fine. The next call say we took the cat to the vet and he has some internal injuries but we’re hoping for the best, then finally you say the injuries were too much and he passed away. The son apologizes and says he will be more mindful in the future.
A week later the salesman calls the house and his son answers. He asks how’s everyone doing.
“Fine”, says the son, “but grandmas on the roof’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhe5lt/a_traveling_salesman_calls_home/
%
What do you call a jewish gym-goer?

A Hebro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhe4fy/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_gymgoer/
%
They say no man is an island,

But drink enough and you're a nation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhe3cd/they_say_no_man_is_an_island/
%
I got laid

off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhe07x/i_got_laid/
%
Raincoats are the least sexy clothing item...

The whole point is to make sure you never get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhdwz5/raincoats_are_the_least_sexy_clothing_item/
%
What kind of jokes do octopi tell?

Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhdt87/what_kind_of_jokes_do_octopi_tell/
%
Have you heard of the Greek hero, Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles, he had just one weakness. Except instead of his heel it was his groin. You may have heard of “Achilles Heel” but have you heard of “Bophades Nuts”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhdrgb/have_you_heard_of_the_greek_hero_bophades/
%
What do you call a stoner with a porn addiction?

A chronic masterbator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhdrg4/what_do_you_call_a_stoner_with_a_porn_addiction/
%
Alright class. Today, we're going to educate all teens about safe sex.

Or E.A.T.A.S.S for short

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhdmr4/alright_class_today_were_going_to_educate_all/
%
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?

He couldn't focus on the negatives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhdm81/why_did_the_optimist_lose_his_job_at_the/
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It's all right to tell jokes about the Rolling Stones.

In fact, it's a gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhdkys/its_all_right_to_tell_jokes_about_the_rolling/
%
What is the difference between a vacuum cleaner and my life?

The vacuum cleaner stops sucking when I press the button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhdggu/what_is_the_difference_between_a_vacuum_cleaner/
%
[NSFW] [Long] A man is sitting on his front porch when he notices two guys walking down the street holding duct tape.

He calls out to the men, "Hey what are you doing with that duct tape?" They respond, "Catching ducks." The old man rolls his eyes thinking there is no way they will catch anything. Later that afternoon the two men come by again with a couple of ducks.
The next day the old man sees the two guys again. This time they are holding cattails. He shouts, "What are you gonna do with them?" The guys reply "We're going to catch some cats." The old man looks puzzled and waits for them to come back later that day. When they do, the old man sees that they are each carrying a cat.
The following day the old man sees the guys holding some type of plant. He shouts, "What do you got there?" The guys reply, "Pussy willow." The old man gets up says, "Stay right there! Let me get my coat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhdff0/nsfw_long_a_man_is_sitting_on_his_front_porch/
%
What were the dying frog’s last words?

Who knows? He croaked before he could say them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhdebn/what_were_the_dying_frogs_last_words/
%
What do you call a magic owl?

HOO-dini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhdami/what_do_you_call_a_magic_owl/
%
A frog goes Into a bank

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Patricia Black and says
"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"
"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"
"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I know the manager."
The teller is understandably taken aback by this, and asks if the frog has any collateral to cover this.
"As a matter of fact, I do!" says the frog, and he reaches into his pocket and hands over a tiny ceramic elephant.
"What?!" says the teller, "This is garbage! I can't take this!"
"Well, take it up with my father then!" The frog retorts.
"Oh yeah, and who might that be?" The teller is quickly getting more and more annoyed at the frog.
"Why, it's Keith Richards!" The frog is waiting impatiently, tapping his toe on the ground. "Now, can I have that loan or not?"
"Wait right here" the teller says, as she storms into the back room, looking for her manager.
"There's a frog out there who claims to know you, and wants a million dollar loan. He claims his father his Keith Richards! He even gave me this as collateral," she says, holding up the elephant. "I mean, what even is this?"
The manager takes a look at the elephant and replies "It's a knick knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhd6hg/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
%
An Instagram influencer walks into a bar

They were too busy taking selfies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhd5zm/an_instagram_influencer_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A mathematician with an unsolved question walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "Why the long expression?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhd5rx/a_mathematician_with_an_unsolved_question_walks/
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The vow of silence

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Hard bed," he says.
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhd5kt/the_vow_of_silence/
%
Why can you drink HIJKLMNO?

It's water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhd58r/why_can_you_drink_hijklmno/
%
How bout a limerick?

There once were two girls from Birmingham.
I know a story concerning 'em.
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.
But the bishop was nobody's fool.
He gone to a fine public school.
He lowered his britches
And fucked both those bitches
With his 12 inch episcopal tool.
But that didn't bother these two.
Why they laughed as the bishop withdrew.
"Why the vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhd44v/how_bout_a_limerick/
%
Parents are like boomerangs...

They don't always come back, but when they do they usually hit you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhd1pr/parents_are_like_boomerangs/
%
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhd0kv/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
The teacher confiscated my MP4

But the next day I brought my MP5!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhcy50/the_teacher_confiscated_my_mp4/
%
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhcxww/what_gets_longer_when_pulled_fits_between_breasts/
%
My least favourite colour is brown.

I hate it more than all the other colours combined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhcvlr/my_least_favourite_colour_is_brown/
%
Three women escape execution and are on the run

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Night soon falls and they find refuge in a nearby farmhouse. The farmer, hearing the commotion, goes to investigate.
As he is poking around he is about to find the brunette, who is hiding in the cow pen. Thinking quickly, she says:
"MOOOOOOOO"
"Ah, it is just one of my cows," thinks the farmer. He continues looking around, and is about to stumble upon the redhead who is hiding among the sheep.
"Baaaaaahhh," she says.
"Ah," thinks the farmer, "it is just one of my sheep." And he continues to look around.
Next he approaches the blonde's hiding place, a big pile of potato sacks. Having learned from the other women, she loudly says:
"PO - TAY - TO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhcqr0/three_women_escape_execution_and_are_on_the_run/
%
The Rules of Writing

1: Always avoid alliterations
2: A preposition is not something to end a sentence with
3) Be consistent
4: Don’t restate ideas
5: Don’t be redundant
6: And never start a sentence with a conjunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhcq23/the_rules_of_writing/
%
I got into a fight with a crippled guy.

He didn't stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhcouy/i_got_into_a_fight_with_a_crippled_guy/
%
A woman goes into her office

She sees 2 of her male co-workers chatting, and one of them makes a joke, they both start laughing.
The woman, who is in a bad mood, thought that they were laughing at her, so she says "Hey, stop that!". The men don't hear them over the sound of their own laughter. The woman then says that if they don't stop, she's going to call the police. The men hear this and start laughing even more at the ludicrous claim.
But then, she actually does it, the following conversation ensues:
911 Operator: "911 What is your emergency?
Woman: I'm at my office, and there's these two men laughing, arrest them immediately!
911 Operator: Ma'am, unless I'm missing something, I don't think they've done something wrong...
Woman: What are you talking about? It's in the law, that's illegal!
911 Operator: Ma'am, what law are you referring to?
Woman: Manslaughter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhcoqv/a_woman_goes_into_her_office/
%
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"
He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhclve/i_went_to_see_the_doctor_today_and_he_said_to_me/
%
What's a coward?

Mooooooooooo! Get it? A "cow-word"!   Damn, I suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhckht/whats_a_coward/
%
Two nuns meet up downtown...

"Martha, did you come on the bus?"
"Yes, but I pretended it was an asthma attack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhckfg/two_nuns_meet_up_downtown/
%
I'm taking HGH for my depression.

Now I can beat myself up a lot better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhcfw4/im_taking_hgh_for_my_depression/
%
My friends half jew

I guess hes jew-ish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhcfvp/my_friends_half_jew/
%
what did the emo dolphin say?

theres no porpoise in life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhcdbh/what_did_the_emo_dolphin_say/
%
That’s a nice ham you have there...

It would be a shame if someone put an s at the start and an e at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhcbzm/thats_a_nice_ham_you_have_there/
%
I couldn't get lunch because the line was too long at the Vietnamese place.

It was a real pho queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhcawe/i_couldnt_get_lunch_because_the_line_was_too_long/
%
The r in r/jokes stands for

Reposted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhc8eu/the_r_in_rjokes_stands_for/
%
Billy the ant scientist.

Once there was a mad scientist named Billy obsessed with experimenting on ants. For the this he earned the nickname "Ant billy" Billy ant" or "that weird ant dude" or variations there of and was generally considered a laughingstock of the town.
Determined to not be such a goddamn failure anymore decides hes gonna make a mindblowing creation, he's gonna make his ants talk and succeeds with five of them. But theres another problem:
Ant 1 can't pronounce "B" noises
Ant 2 can't pronounce "R" noises
Ant 3 can't pronounce "M" noises
Ant 4 can't pronounce "T" noises
and ant 5 can't pronounce "O" noises
Another fiasco, still his ever loyal ants love and worship him regardless.
One day a couple of critics break into his lab and starts badmouthing him when Ant 2 crawls out from behind a hole in the the wall to defend him.
"he's a moron" say the critics
Ant 2 fires back "he's not a moon, he's a genius"
"hes dumb" say the critics
Ant 2 says "No, hes smat"
"He's an idiot that nobody knows about"
"NO!! NO!!! NO!!!!" cries Ant 2 loudly.
"YOU ALL KNOW HE'S BILLIANT"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhc6tw/billy_the_ant_scientist/
%
Why did the girl invite the mushroom to the school dance?

Because he was a Fun-gi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhc5za/why_did_the_girl_invite_the_mushroom_to_the/
%
Hellmann's

Most people don't know that back in the early 1900's, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was actually manufactured in England.  In fact, the Titanic was carrying 15,000 jars of the condiment destined for Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call after its stop in New York.  At the time this was to be the largest shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But as we know, the Titanic did not make it to New Your.  The ship hit an iceberg and sank.  The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.  Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.
That National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhbufq/hellmanns/
%
Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhbtvh/somebody_sent_me_to_reddit_to_get_help_repairing/
%
Three Nuns

One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling".
One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. He said, "What are you doing here! No one is supposed to be here! We are closed for the weekend for remodeling!"
The one nun said, "Well, we're dead and we can`t go back."
"Alright," said St. Peter. "What we are going to do is send you back for the weekend as whoever you wish to be and then we'll accept you back into Heaven," exclaimed St. Peter as he looks at the first nun.
"Okay, who do you want to be?" he asks the nun.
"Well, I thought her life was very interesting especially since she gave her life to God, so I want to be Joan of Arc."
Poof! The first nun becomes Joan of Arc.
"Okay, You're next," as her looks at the second nun, "Who do you want to be?"
"Well, I thought her life was very interesting and she died a tragic death, so I want to become Marilyn Monroe," pronounces the second nun.
Poof! The second nun becomes Marilyn Monroe.
"Okay, who do you want to be?" St. Peter says to the third nun. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean."
"Excuse me?!?" confusingly asks St. Peter.
"I want to be Alice Kapipelean!" exclaims the nun.
St. Peter replies, "Pardon me Sister, we have no record of any Alice Kapipelean being on earth," explains St. Peter.
"There is TOO an Alice Kapipelean and I have proof right HERE!!!" shouts the nun.
St. Peter takes the news article and read it. "Oh my, Sister. You have misread this article. This article says that the Alaska Pipeline was laid by 500 men in six months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhbhyr/three_nuns/
%
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?

The BMW has the pricks on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhbfc0/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
%
2 men walk into a bar

The midget walks under it, turns to the two men lying on the ground and laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhb6di/2_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Some guy knocked on my door wanting to tell me the great news about our Lord.

I said "fuck off, i dont beleave in of that shit."
As I tried to close the door in his face, he grabbed my arm and twisted it up my back slamming my face into the wall, then with a single rabbit punch broke 3 of my ribs, he then kung fu kicked my leg shattering the bone in three places.
As I fell to the floor he karate chopped my windpipe and left me choking in agony on my own doorstep.
Fucking Jason Bourne again Christian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhb319/some_guy_knocked_on_my_door_wanting_to_tell_me/
%
The hairdresser was washing my hair, she said "Do you want any conditioner?"

I said, "Extra volume?" and she said "DO YOU WANT ANY CONDITIONER?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhb2rg/the_hairdresser_was_washing_my_hair_she_said_do/
%
My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhb16t/my_13_year_old_son_was_victim_of_a_stabbing_in/
%
How did the black hole lose so much weight?

It's simple, he ate light!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhazbs/how_did_the_black_hole_lose_so_much_weight/
%
Received a call from a female recruitment consultant.

She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!
I replied : Yes. I know 😊
There was a long silence and then she said:- asshole
I replied:- I prefer the other one...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhas5g/received_a_call_from_a_female_recruitment/
%
A guy is walking down the street and hears amazing music coming from inside a bar...

So he walks into the bar and sees a grand piano where the music is coming from, but doesn't see anyone playing it. He walks over to get a closer look and there's a little man jumping all over the place playing this music. Standing upright the little man didn't even come up to the guy's knee. He just kept playing and playing and playing.
Finally the guy asks the bartender "Where'd you find the musician?"
"Made a wish with a genie... You want to make a wish?"
"Definitely!"
So he rubs the lamp and out pops the genie, "What is your wish?"
The guy exclaims quickly "I wish I had a billion bucks!"
Poof, there are ducks everywhere... as far as the eye can see.
"I said BUCKS not ducks!"
Bartender grumbles, "You think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhapyr/a_guy_is_walking_down_the_street_and_hears/
%
A woman walks into a bar...

She walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at the woman and then looks up above her and says "Doesn't That flair seem a bit redundant?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhah8p/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me..

Groom: After me..
Priest (turning to bride): Is this guy serious?
Bride: No, his name is Gary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bhaeus/at_the_wedding_priest_repeat_after_me/
%
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, in spite of our numerous arguments.

It was a case of he shed, she shed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bha93e/during_the_divorce_the_judge_couldnt_decide_who/
%
Why did Sweden start putting barcodes on their newest fleet of battleships?

So they could Scandinavian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bha6qo/why_did_sweden_start_putting_barcodes_on_their/
%
And the lord said unto John:

“Come forth and you will receive eternal life", but John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bha1hw/and_the_lord_said_unto_john/
%
[NSFW] So I met this girl at a bar...

She was looking at me for a while so I went in and I made my move.  I said, "Hi". She said, "Hi."
She said, "Umm... I think you're the father of one of my children."
I was taken aback. I didn't say a word.  Then I slowly remembered...
"O wait a minute," I said. "I've always taken precaution. But there was that one time at a bachelor's party a few years ago.  We were all high as a kite. You were that brunette stripper who started sucking me while sticking your finger up my ass.  God, I remember everything now.  We fucked like dogs in heat.  Fuck it was hot.  So, how you been?  Is it a boy or a girl?"
She looked me a little surprised at my response and said,
"Umm... I meant I teach your 3rd grade daughter."
*edit wording

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bha1bd/nsfw_so_i_met_this_girl_at_a_bar/
%
Carrots are good for your eyes.

But enough alcohol doubles your eyesight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh9zks/carrots_are_good_for_your_eyes/
%
After 3 years I finally finished my first novel.

I enjoyed it so much I might read another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh9y27/after_3_years_i_finally_finished_my_first_novel/
%
What do you call a bad-quality circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh9qfr/what_do_you_call_a_badquality_circumcision/
%
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare...

Now, thanks to Reddit, we know this is not true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh9pxp/we_have_all_heard_that_a_million_monkeys_banging/
%
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh9k56/an_old_lady_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_shes_chatting/
%
A police call with a blonde

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had stripped apart her car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.
"Nevermind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh9dz7/a_police_call_with_a_blonde/
%
How are hamsters like cigarettes?

They are completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh9d1q/how_are_hamsters_like_cigarettes/
%
What do you call a candle shaped like Keanu Reeves?

John Wick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh9cmy/what_do_you_call_a_candle_shaped_like_keanu_reeves/
%
I am strongly against parents vaccinating their kids.

They should have a medical professional do it for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh9c9f/i_am_strongly_against_parents_vaccinating_their/
%
A teacher was arrested for loligagging at work.

He was caught strangling young girls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh9a4a/a_teacher_was_arrested_for_loligagging_at_work/
%
You know who’s a motherfucker?

Your dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh94js/you_know_whos_a_motherfucker/
%
"Would you like headphones?"

Said the hot air hostess to the passenger.
He replied, "How did you know my name was Phones?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh90nl/would_you_like_headphones/
%
Deafness is becoming quite a problem for me

I never thought i would hear myself say that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8znm/deafness_is_becoming_quite_a_problem_for_me/
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The Problem With Assumption

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"
The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8x64/the_problem_with_assumption/
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My cow just got artificially inseminated.

No bull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8wf0/my_cow_just_got_artificially_inseminated/
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I went to a cheese factory the other day, but there was a massive explosion.

There was de *brie* everywhere.
Sorry, too *cheesy*?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8wdy/i_went_to_a_cheese_factory_the_other_day_but/
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A bear and a squirrel are walking next to a river

when they suddenly summon the River Genie.
"Ugh, two of you?" The River Genie said. "Eh, I'll give you both three wishes if you take turns. Bear, what is your first wish?"
The bear says "I want every other bear in the country to be female."
The genie grants his first wish to the bear and asks the squirrel for his first wish.
The squirrel says "I want a helmet."
The bear is very confused by the squirrel's request for a helmet but the genie grants it anyway. The bear is asked for his second wish.
The bear says "I want all the female bears to be as beautiful as they can be."
The genie grants his second wish, so asks the squirrel for his next wish.
The squirrel says "I want a motorbike."
The bear doesn't know why any squirrel would want a motorbike, and why he isn't asking for better wishes.
The bear is asked by the genie for his third and final wish.
The bear says "I want to be the most attractive bear in the world."
The genie grants the bear's final wish. The bear instantly becomes the best looking bear anyone has seen.
"I will be the most productive bear on earth!" the bear says as he thanks the genie.
The genie turns to the squirrel. The genie asks the squirrel for his third and final wish. The bear watches, questioning the squirrel's wishes.
The squirrel puts on his helmet and starts up the motorbike.
Speeding off into the distance, the squirrel shouts "I WANT THE BEAR TO BE GAY!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8uuj/a_bear_and_a_squirrel_are_walking_next_to_a_river/
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Want to hear a Construction joke?

I'm working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8tmw/want_to_hear_a_construction_joke/
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I’ve got a really bright future.

That’s it. That’s the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8s68/ive_got_a_really_bright_future/
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Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story,
.'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8s2p/lessons_learned_the_hard_way/
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What does a gymnast put on popcorn?

Somersault

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8rb3/what_does_a_gymnast_put_on_popcorn/
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Three ducks went to jail

When they arrived, a large swan approached them. "What's your story?" He asked.
The first one said "I'm Huey, I'm not sure what I did wrong. I was just blowing bubbles in the pond."
The second one then steps forward and says "Hey, I'm Dewey. I was also blowing bubbles in the pond."
The Swan goes to the third one and says "Let me guess, you innocent too Louie?"
He replies "Louie? My name is Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8n8x/three_ducks_went_to_jail/
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A bear walks into a bar

"I'd like a pint of...
...
...
...
...
... Guinness please."
"Sure," the bartender replies. "But why the big pause?"
"Oh, I was born with these."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8fvs/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between purple and pink?

Your grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8cv6/whats_the_difference_between_purple_and_pink/
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An Austrian, an Artist, and a Fascist walk into a bar

It went all Reich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8clg/an_austrian_an_artist_and_a_fascist_walk_into_a/
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So I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8ckh/so_i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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Guys i just got laid

...down a stretcher because i fell down the stairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh88gx/guys_i_just_got_laid/
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What do you call a camel in a drought?

A dry humper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh88e5/what_do_you_call_a_camel_in_a_drought/
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Mottingham Road closed after man in 70s hit by car.

Fuck me, I though they'd have opened it by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh883e/mottingham_road_closed_after_man_in_70s_hit_by_car/
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A suicide bombing instructor stood up in front of the class.

He said, "Now pay attention. I'm only going to show you this once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh875h/a_suicide_bombing_instructor_stood_up_in_front_of/
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I've been playing Minecraft lately....

It's a very top-Notch game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh86re/ive_been_playing_minecraft_lately/
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My wife apologized for the first time ever today.

She said she's sorry she ever married me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh8668/my_wife_apologized_for_the_first_time_ever_today/
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My roommate is so dumb

the closest he ever got to a 4.0 was on a breathalyzer test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh85fr/my_roommate_is_so_dumb/
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I love my wife so much I had “I Love You” tattooed on my penis.

Now she’s mad at me because she says I keep putting words in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh84s7/i_love_my_wife_so_much_i_had_i_love_you_tattooed/
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"The Johnsons had quintuplets. Isn't that amazing?"

"Did you know that only happens once in four million times?"
"Good Lord! When did they have time to go to work?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh84do/the_johnsons_had_quintuplets_isnt_that_amazing/
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How many trans people does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one.  But they have to live in the dark for 30 years before they're allowed to change, and nobody will believe them afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh82y4/how_many_trans_people_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his canary?

He contracted a bad case of chirpies. And what's worse is that it's untweetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh82ep/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_had_sex_with_his/
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A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention.

He leaned in and shouted, “hey, I’m a big fan!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh816b/a_wind_turbine_saw_a_solar_panel_at_an_energy/
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What do Viagra and Disney world have in common?

You have to wait an hour for a 3 minute ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh813x/what_do_viagra_and_disney_world_have_in_common/
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What is 6.9?

A really great thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7ywt/what_is_69/
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You matter

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light..
Then you energy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7xfm/you_matter/
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I once swallowed a dictionary

It gave me Thesaurest throat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7tvy/i_once_swallowed_a_dictionary/
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A family checks into a hotel at the check-in desk the dad turns to his wife and says "i hope the porn is disabled"

To which the check-in clerk replies "I'm afraid it's just normal porn u sick fuck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7tij/a_family_checks_into_a_hotel_at_the_checkin_desk/
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The little old lady who makes bets with bank presidents (NSFW)

NSFW
A little old grey-haired lady went into the bank one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (after all, the customer is always right).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
President gets nervous
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have the bank president's balls in my hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7tdu/the_little_old_lady_who_makes_bets_with_bank/
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There are 11 kinds of people in the world.

Those that understand binary, those that don’t and those that only know enough binary to think I wrote this joke wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7sep/there_are_11_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
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How do you get 1 million followers?

Run through Africa with a water bottle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7sad/how_do_you_get_1_million_followers/
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The man who invented auto-correct has died.

His funfair is on sundial at moon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7pu2/the_man_who_invented_autocorrect_has_died/
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On a Friday, eve of their 5th year relationship birthday.

Her: Babe, what did you plan for us this evening?
Him: Well honey, do you like Paris?
Her: Yes!!!??
Him: Do you like Barcelona?
Her: Yes!!!!
Him: Nice, because there is PSG-Barca tonight on TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7ouv/on_a_friday_eve_of_their_5th_year_relationship/
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Two wives go out for girls' night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says
"No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties."
"You think you have it bad?" says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7m85/two_wives_go_out_for_girls_night/
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An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”
“Ant eggs are a little exotic for my taste,” says the tourist. “How about just some regular fried eggs?”
“Sorry,” says the old man. “The post truck brings me eggs from the village down the road, but the road is so bumpy that the yolks get pretty shaken up by the time they get here. I can use them for cooking my rice dishes, but fried eggs wouldn’t turn out well.”
Disappointed, the tourist ponders the menu.
“Well since you have ants here for ant eggs, why don’t you get some chickens here too so you will always have fresh chicken eggs and you don’t have to worry about getting subpar ones in the mail?”
“Well,” explains the old man. “The ants in the display can’t possibly make all the eggs I need. I have many more ants on my farm out back. If I had chickens there too, they would eat all the ants and I wouldn’t be able to make my maengman chom anymore.”
“It just seems like you could appeal to more than Cambodians if you had good chicken eggs,” responds the tourist. “Who knows? Maybe you could get some more American dollars out here.”
“No offense, but the Cambodian money is what keeps this place going, and chicken eggs aren’t why they come,” says the old man. “I may get a few complaints about the worn out yolks in the post, but everyone around here can tell you that the riel yolks are in the chom ants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7kek/an_american_tourist_is_traveling_in_thailand_and/
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My least favorite color is green.

I hate it more than yellow and blue combined.
So many possibilities for this joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7ije/my_least_favorite_color_is_green/
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What do you put in a bathtub with an epileptic?

Your dirty clothes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7hy0/what_do_you_put_in_a_bathtub_with_an_epileptic/
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What's the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7h4j/whats_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
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A girl goes to her mother

and asks, “mom, why was I named Lily?”
The mother replies, “Because when you were born, a lily petal fell on your head, and we then knew it was the perfect name.”
Then another girl goes to her mother and asks, “mom, why was I named Rose?”
The mother replies, “Because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head, and we then knew it was the perfect name.”
Then the last child, a boy, goes up to his mom and says, “OGGHHH-BLAGGG”
To which the mother replies, “Shut up, Cinderblock.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7gbc/a_girl_goes_to_her_mother/
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How do you protect your home?

You put up an Al Qaida flag, then you will have the Nsa, CIA and FBI watching you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7fym/how_do_you_protect_your_home/
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Does February like March?

No, but April May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7fhb/does_february_like_march/
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A quick pint after work turned into a bit of session. I was far too drunk to drive, so I did the sensible thing and took a bus home.

Fuck knows how I managed to park it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7erm/a_quick_pint_after_work_turned_into_a_bit_of/
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Paranoid

My doctors thinks I am paranoid
She didn’t say so but I know she is thinking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7e1r/paranoid/
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David Hasselhoff walked into a bar

and ordered a drink.
“Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied.
“Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7bvv/david_hasselhoff_walked_into_a_bar/
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Librarian: "Can I help you?"

Man: "I was wondering if you had the book for men with small penises?"
Librarian: "Let me check, I’m not sure if it’s in yet."
Man: "Yep, that’s the one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7ax4/librarian_can_i_help_you/
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One evening an old farmer decides to go down to his pond.

He hasn’t been there in months, and feels the urge to check on things. As he gets closer, he hears loud giggling coming from the pond. He is shocked to find a bunch of young women skinny-dipping.
“Hey, what’s going on here?” he shouts, alerting the women who were standing at the water’s edge. All of the women scream in shock and swim to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouts to the farmer, “We’re not coming out until you leave, you pervert!”
The old man replies, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or see you naked! I’m here to feed the alligator!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7are/one_evening_an_old_farmer_decides_to_go_down_to/
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Guess my age....

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is weak. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh78fz/guess_my_age/
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A penis walks into a bar

The bartender says,”why the schlong face?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh7694/a_penis_walks_into_a_bar/
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Have you heard about the band 923 megabytes?

Probably not. They haven’t had a gig yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh74no/have_you_heard_about_the_band_923_megabytes/
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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale.

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh73di/a_guy_is_driving_around_the_back_woods_and_he/
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My wife is so bad at sex that she failed it

Her ID says Sex: F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh6zqx/my_wife_is_so_bad_at_sex_that_she_failed_it/
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A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.

He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously doing nothing wrong, so he drives even slower as he passes through the light for a third time. The traffic camera takes his photo again. He does it a fourth and fifth time and is hysterical each time when the camera flash snaps his picture. The final time he passes through the light he is going 20 miles under the speed limit.
Two weeks later, he gets five tickets in the mail for operating a car without a safety belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh6x1m/a_man_is_driving_to_work_when_he_notices_the/
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Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older"

Me "when I what? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh6qq6/them_dont_you_think_youll_feel_embarrassed_by_all/
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Your dad is in prison and he's got a stutter.

He's never going to finish his sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh6o6o/your_dad_is_in_prison_and_hes_got_a_stutter/
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At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently."

Puzzled, I asked, "I see. Is that one word or two?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh6l89/at_the_end_of_our_first_date_i_sheepishly_asked/
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What did the retiring domintrix say to her replacement?

"I'll show you the ropes."
(I just thought of this joke. I'm sure it's been made before, sorry.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh6l00/what_did_the_retiring_domintrix_say_to_her/
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George

goes to the doctor after getting some very bad news about his condition.
Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."
George: "Doctor, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked.
“What can I do to live at least a little longer? I don't have any family but I really want to finish all the tv shows I'm watching."
Doctor: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"
George: "Yes."
Doctor: "Stop doing that."
George: "If I'll live longer, sure!"
Doctor: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?"
George: "Yes."
Doctor: "Stop doing that."
George: "If it allows me to live longer, sure."
Doctor: "Do you stay up late?"
George: "Most nights."
Doctor: "Stop doing that."
George: "Alright, done."
Doctor: "Do you have sex often?"
George: "Yes. A lot."
Doctor: "Stop doing that."
George: "Well, I guess, if it means living longer."
Doctor: "Do you smoke?"
George: "Yes."
Doctor: "Stop doing that."
George: "If it allows me to live longer, I will."
Doctor: "Do you drink?"
George: "Yes..."
Doctor: "Stop doing that."
George: "OK Doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?"
Doctor: "You'll still only live a week… but it will *seem* like a decade."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh6idq/george/
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Research has shown that 9/10 people

enjoy gang rape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh6g75/research_has_shown_that_910_people/
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A struggling actor gets a call from his agent.

Agent: Do you want the good news or the bad news?
Actor: Give me the good news first.
Agent: I've found you a role in a production of *Hamlet*.
Actor: Well that's awesome! I've made it! How could there possibly be bad news?
Agent: You're the skull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh6fto/a_struggling_actor_gets_a_call_from_his_agent/
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A drugs squad officer stopped at a farm

...near Bradford, and talked with an old farmer.
He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."
The farmer said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.
The drugs squad officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me."
Reaching into his rear trouser pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear. Do you understand?"
The old farmer nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the drugs squad officer running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big ferocious-looking bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The old farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted at the top of his lungs,
“Your badge!! Show him your BADGE!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh6d0a/a_drugs_squad_officer_stopped_at_a_farm/
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Why are men always wrong and women always right?

Because men have a 'Y' chromosome and women have a 'because I said so' chromosome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh66ek/why_are_men_always_wrong_and_women_always_right/
%
I'm now an antivaxxer...

Because studies show that 100% of vaccinated people die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh5zlo/im_now_an_antivaxxer/
%
I'm so old...

That I remember a time when saying "it's the thought that counts" couldn't be confused with pointing out a slutty mathmatician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh5v7a/im_so_old/
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off..

I said : son, that’s the fourth school this year.
Maybe teaching in an elementary school isnt for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh5s37/my_son_was_thrown_out_of_school_today_for_letting/
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A book just fell on my head.

I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh5s22/a_book_just_fell_on_my_head/
%
I can't stand cheese slices...

...but I respect the Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh5oft/i_cant_stand_cheese_slices/
%
Girlfriend: ”If anything happens to me, you should meet other women.”

Boyfriend: (Did exactly just that)
Girlfriend: “I meant if I died, Peter... I was stuck in traffic you moron.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh5hy6/girlfriend_if_anything_happens_to_me_you_should/
%
What is a priests favourite porn?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh5fwv/what_is_a_priests_favourite_porn/
%
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh5e68/i_was_at_the_bar_the_other_night_and_overheard/
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What's the worst part about being a solipsist?

Being the only person who gets your jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh5dvf/whats_the_worst_part_about_being_a_solipsist/
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Stan and May went to the carnival like every other year...

And every year
Stan would see the attraction he wanted to go
But May would always say: "It's 10 dollars,and 10 dollars is 10 dollars"
The operator of the attraction overhead what they said and went to them and said : "I'll make you a deal, I'll let you go on the ride for free ..but if a sound from you is heard during the ride, you'll pay the 10 dollars.Deal?"
The couple agreed and went with the deal
On the first round,not a scream was heard.On the second, nothing was heard as well.The operator did all the loops and twists and turns he could have done but not a sound was still heard on the third round.When the ride ended,the operator congratulated Stan and was impressed that not a sound was heard.
Stan followed to say:I was gonna say something when May fell out of the ride, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh57ym/stan_and_may_went_to_the_carnival_like_every/
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My Uncle got pulled over by a motorcycle cop for going 25mph over the limit

The cop storms up to the drivers window and yells “GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDNT HAUL YOUR ASS TO JAIL RIGHT NOW!!”                   My uncle replies “Cause id look pretty stupid on the back of your bike.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh572a/my_uncle_got_pulled_over_by_a_motorcycle_cop_for/
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Did you hear about the magician who was accused of sexual harassment?

His stage name was David Coppafeel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh54st/did_you_hear_about_the_magician_who_was_accused/
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Lie Down Comedian

Two wives meet for coffee. Says one wife about her comedian husband: "He really sucks as a standup comedian but he's awesome as a lie down comedian" Asks the other wife: "What do you mean?" Says the first wife: "He's a real joke in bed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh52xc/lie_down_comedian/
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Nothing gives me more anxiety than riding shotgun through a mountain underpass.

Think I've got Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh52mo/nothing_gives_me_more_anxiety_than_riding_shotgun/
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What do you call a black man in a spacesuit?

An astronaut, you racist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4zj3/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_in_a_spacesuit/
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NSFW

Sally has been feeling harassed by one of her coworkers, John. She tells her employer that he has been harassing her and he asks her, "What does he do?"
She says, "He always tells me my hair smells nice."
Her boss replies, "That's not really sexual harassment."
Sally says, "He's three feet tall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4vvf/nsfw/
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I once met a girl with 12 nipples.

Sounds funny.
Dozen-tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4tne/i_once_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
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Tales of Italian Gentlemen.

A woman gets onto a bus and sits in front of a couple of Italian gentlemen. They talk very loudly but she ignores it. But a few minutes later she hears one of them say, "Emma comes first. Then I come. Then two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses come together again. I come again then pee twice. Then I come one last-a-time."
With this the lady turns around and says, "Excuse me! You perverts shouldn't be talking about sex on a bus."
One of them turns around and says, "Whose talking abouta sex? I'm justa teaching him how to spell 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4sih/tales_of_italian_gentlemen/
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A TCP joke.

"Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke."
"Ok, I will hear a TCP joke."
"Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke."
"Ok, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline."
"Ok, I am ready to get your TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have an explicit setting, and ends with a punchline."
"I'm sorry, your connection has timed out. Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4s8a/a_tcp_joke/
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I thought I had something in my nose

But when I looked in the mirror there was snot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4s6v/i_thought_i_had_something_in_my_nose/
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Did you know Tinker Bell got a fat older brother?

His name is Taco Bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4qrk/did_you_know_tinker_bell_got_a_fat_older_brother/
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A bad analogy is like a ...

bad analogy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4qqx/a_bad_analogy_is_like_a/
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I rear ended a car this evening

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, I AM NOT HAPPY!
So I said, "Which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4nqb/i_rear_ended_a_car_this_evening/
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Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4j3p/tools_of_communication/
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Spiders should own the internet

After all, they are very talented in web design.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4i8c/spiders_should_own_the_internet/
%
Whats the difference between your mom and your girlfriend?

Your mom is real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4f07/whats_the_difference_between_your_mom_and_your/
%
What's the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank?

Harry made it out of the chamber
My gf told me this joke, idk where she heard it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4a7n/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and/
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I found a place where the recycling rate is 99.99%

/r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4a4h/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_9999/
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Ladies, if your man says he is going to do something, he will do it...

You don't need to keep reminding him every six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh49ar/ladies_if_your_man_says_he_is_going_to_do/
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Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost for a lifetime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh4866/tell_a_man_a_joke_he_will_laugh_for_a_day/
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My dad is comparable to God

I mean, both of them created me, both of them are father figures, and I have never seen either of them, but they both supposedly exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh408q/my_dad_is_comparable_to_god/
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A boy's mother was vacuuming her 13 year old son's bedroom

She comes across a pile of serious bondage gear and fetish mags under his bed.
She tells her husband and asks "What do we do?"
Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't spank him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh3uci/a_boys_mother_was_vacuuming_her_13_year_old_sons/
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If Snoop Dogg dies before pot is legal in the United States,..

..He will be rolling in his grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh3rsm/if_snoop_dogg_dies_before_pot_is_legal_in_the/
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A lawyer just bought a new Porsche...

He decides to park it in front of his offices to show it off.  As he is exiting the vehicle a truck comes along and sheers of the drivers side door.
The lawyer begins screaming at the truck driver.  "You stupid shit! You've ruined my brand new car!  Where did you get your license?  How did you not see me?  Are you fucking blind?  Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost?"
He goes on like this for several minutes until his energy finally starts to flag.  The truck driver sees his opportunity and says to the lawyer, "Please sir, you have to calm down.  Your so angry that I don't think you realize that my truck also took off your arm."
The lawyer looks down at where his arm used to be and screams out "My Rolex!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh3r26/a_lawyer_just_bought_a_new_porsche/
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What breaks when you say it’s name?

Silence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh3obe/what_breaks_when_you_say_its_name/
%
What’s 50 cent’s name in Zimbabwe?

400 million dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh3ir7/whats_50_cents_name_in_zimbabwe/
%
Confession: I just saw a kidnapping outside and I didn't do anything about it.

I didn't want to wake him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh3hlc/confession_i_just_saw_a_kidnapping_outside_and_i/
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What's so unique about 6.9?

It's a good thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh3eyo/whats_so_unique_about_69/
%
Bill Cosby was a great comedian...

even his drinks tasted funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh3eob/bill_cosby_was_a_great_comedian/
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming and hollering like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh3eo1/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
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Phone call with Jeff.

Me: Hey Jeff, wanna here a joke?
Jeff: sure, fire away
Me: what has a tiny penis and hangs down
Jeff: What?
Me: A bat, what has a large penis and hangs up?
Jeff: What?
*click*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh3cbw/phone_call_with_jeff/
%
Only 2010s kids will get this

Measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh3aoa/only_2010s_kids_will_get_this/
%
How did the male porn star describe the female porn star’s beauty?

He said she had the nicest face he ever came across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh3aas/how_did_the_male_porn_star_describe_the_female/
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A grasshopper walks into a bar...

The bartender says “you know we have a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says “Really? In that case I’ll have a Steve.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh38uy/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The son "Dad, what's between Mama's legs?"

The dad replied, "The doors to heaven."
The son asked, "What's between your legs?"
The dad says, "The keys to that door"
The son says, "Well you better change the lock cause the neighbor's got the spare."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh3750/the_son_dad_whats_between_mamas_legs/
%
I have many jokes about unemployed people..

Sadly none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh36xe/i_have_many_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.

After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh3632/chuck_norris_was_bitten_by_the_worlds_most/
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I was very disappointed when i signed up for Instagram....

I thought it was a cocaine delivery service!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh34rh/i_was_very_disappointed_when_i_signed_up_for/
%
A man is pulled over for speeding.

The cop tells him it’s the end of his shift, and it’s been a long day. “If you can give me a reason for why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The man says, “My wife left me for a cop and I was afraid you might be him, trying to bring her back to me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh32bx/a_man_is_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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I got pulled over by a police officer.

He came to the window and said, "Papers ..."
I said, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.
He must be desperate for a rematch because he's been chasing me for an hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh30sx/i_got_pulled_over_by_a_police_officer/
%
What do a metal roof and a woman have in common?

If you don't screw enough she'll wind up at the neighbor's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh309z/what_do_a_metal_roof_and_a_woman_have_in_common/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh2zw9/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
Police station robbed.

All the toilets are missing, cops have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh2zmw/police_station_robbed/
%
Three women plan to escape from jail. One is a redhead, one is a brunette, and one is a blonde.

As the women are in their cell, the brunette suggests an escape plan. She decides that they should break out at exactly midnight, as that is when the guards change posts and are most tired.
The women escape quietly and quickly. However, a guard somehow notices them, and proceeds to shout and call the police. This is when the redhead suggests that  they should run to a nearby barn, take a ladder, climb to the top, and then pull the ladder up.
The women make it to the top just as the cops come. The police just manage to see the redhead pull up the ladder. The police claim that they have the women surrounded and that they should surrender immediately.
The brunette, having yet another idea tells them all to hide in barrels on the roof. The police bring in a ladder and climb to the top. They can’t find the women anywhere. The cop is so frustrated he kicks a barrel. The redhead in there, using quick thinking, decides  to act like a dog. She barks and barks. The cop, thinking it was a dog kicks the second barrel with the brunette in it. The brunette copying the redhead, starts meowing. The cop thinking it was a cat is in disbelief wondering where the women went off to. He finally kicks the third barrel. The blonde inside finally realizes what to do. She shouts, “MOO!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh2vb5/three_women_plan_to_escape_from_jail_one_is_a/
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High Standards

An Asian kid got into a car accident.
He lost some blood and the Doctors said the needed to act fast in order to keep him alive
They didnt have time to test his blood type so they asked the boys parents and the parents answered.
The boy died shortly after the transfusion, and the doctors were enraged because of the false information the parents gave them.
"HIS BLOOD WAS B-, WHY DID YOU LIE!" one of the doctors yelled
"Because" said the father "Why settle for B- when you can get A+"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh2unv/high_standards/
%
Woman goes to the Priest to ask him to bury her dog in the church cemetery

He tells her "unfortunately, we don't do that. You can take him to the pet cemetery." But the woman pleads "Please, I just need to know I will see him again in heaven, so I need you to bury him in holy ground!" but the priest doesn't budge. "I'm sorry, dear lady, I just can't do that. It's not allowed..." Finally, after much crying, he suggests "Maybe try one of the protestant churches, they do weird things sometimes..." She pulls herself together, and as she's leaving, asks "What do you think, Father, if I offer them $50'000 as a donation for their trouble, would that be appropriate?" - "Dear woman, come back, you didn't mention the dog had been baptized!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh2n39/woman_goes_to_the_priest_to_ask_him_to_bury_her/
%
Why did my girlfriend break up with me?

I told her she meant the world to me.
I then said that the earth is flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh2k5d/why_did_my_girlfriend_break_up_with_me/
%
What do you call a mermaid that can fly

Ariel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh2et6/what_do_you_call_a_mermaid_that_can_fly/
%
Old man say women good for 71 things

Cooking
Cleaning
And 69

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh2aqr/old_man_say_women_good_for_71_things/
%
Jimmy went to the library.

At the the library he said to the librarian “Can I get a hamburger.” The librarian responds “ Sir this is a library.” Jimmy whispers “Sorry can I have a hamburger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh2a7d/jimmy_went_to_the_library/
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Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no,
and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh29wd/three_women_are_about_to_be_executed_ones_a/
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A neutron and a uranium atom walk into a restaurant

. They sit at a table and order a full meal, having a muted conversation during the meal. The waiter comes over and the neutron asks for separate checks. He brings the split bills like requested.
“I hope you two have a good evening,” he says.
“Don’t worry,” replies the uranium atom. “He only has enough energy to split the check.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh25pu/a_neutron_and_a_uranium_atom_walk_into_a/
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What is Soulja Boy's favorite dip?

Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus
Just kidding, it's whatever they have in prison these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh256b/what_is_soulja_boys_favorite_dip/
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A man goes on vacation and leaves his cat with his brother

He's gone for a few days and decides that he misses his furry friend, so he calls his brother up to check on her.  His brother answers the phone.
"Hey!  I'm just calling to check on how Fluffy's doing without me"
His brother on the other end gets quiet before saying, "I dont know how to tell you this, but yesterday,  Fluffy got hit by a car and died"
"Oh my God!" The cat owner yells, "why would you tell me like that?!"
"Like what?"
"Just telling me she died!  You ruined my whole vacation.  You could have at least eased me into it!"
"..like how?"
"I don't know.. just could have told me she was on the roof or something"
"I'll remember that next time" his brother promises
"It's alright.  Just be gentler with the news next time.  Anyway,  how's mom?"
More silence on the other line before the brother says, "well, she's on the roof"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh249u/a_man_goes_on_vacation_and_leaves_his_cat_with/
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Wife: Do you want to come home at lunchtime today for a quickie?

Me: It's pronounced "quiche"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh1w27/wife_do_you_want_to_come_home_at_lunchtime_today/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

She's a 10 for sure, but completely imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh1uiv/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
Scientists have a new theory on how the first laxative was discovered.

It was an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh1rkz/scientists_have_a_new_theory_on_how_the_first/
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Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up. So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave, and heads over to his friend's.
He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair, and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink. As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion. She looks a bit sad, and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.
This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving, and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.
When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward, and a steady relationship between the two is struck. This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate. The two couldn't be happier! They both get jobs close to one another and move into a flat together.
One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home. She's been ill all day, and checking has confirmed her suspicions. She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together. A shallot, if you will. A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion. They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day, and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.
The day comes of the birth, and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents. Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.
Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic. He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion, and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.
One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.
The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard. She glances away to take another plate, and turns her vision back to the yard just in time to see her child wander into the adjacent road and get hit by a massive freight lorry.
She screams, runs out, and calls an ambulance.
The ambulance comes and rushes the frail child-onion to the Onion Hospital. Being in such a critical condition, he is rushed straight into the operating theatre, and mummy-and-daddy onion can do little but wait outside the theatre hoping for some news.
After an agonising five-hour wait, the weary-looking doctor-onion emerges in surgical garb, ready to impart news.
"So, Mr and Mrs Onion. Would you like the good news or the bad news?"
The couple ponder it for a moment, and then decide: "The good news, please."
The doctor-onion regards them briefly, and then says, "Well, the good news is we've managed to stabilise your child. The bad news is... he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh1raa/onions/
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I was going to tell you a chemistry joke...

But all the good ones Argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh1q89/i_was_going_to_tell_you_a_chemistry_joke/
%
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh1oes/why_dont_they_play_poker_in_the_jungle/
%
What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh1nvs/what_is_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean/
%
My Italian uncle has recently been hit by a truck full of Mac&cheese

Sadly, he pasta way now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh1kz3/my_italian_uncle_has_recently_been_hit_by_a_truck/
%
Three men work on top of a building.

They are taking their lunch break when the brown haired man says, “Chicken salad again! If I get chicken salad again I’m going to jump.”
Next the red haired man says, “Tuna fish again! If I get tuna fish again I’m going to jump.”
The third blonde haired man says, “PBJ again! If I get PBJ again I’m going to jump.”
The next day they had all received the same lunch and left a letter explaining this was the final straw and jumped.
Later a reporter was interviewing the wives of the men who jumped.
The wife of the brown haired man said, “I thought chicken salad was his favorite lunch.”
The wife of the red haired man said, “We are poor all we could afford was tuna for lunch.”
The wife of the blonde haired man said, “ I don’t know what the big deal was he made his own lunch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh1jdc/three_men_work_on_top_of_a_building/
%
After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point, the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh1hth/after_work_a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
%
My least favorite color is purple.

I hate it more than red and blue combined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh1c74/my_least_favorite_color_is_purple/
%
The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:
**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**
And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes like this:
**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**
And then there's a round of applause and everyone take their bows and and exits stage right. The conductor had a great idea though, and the basses practiced this in the weeks leading up to the concert. The would play their first note
**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**
And then they would quietly lay down their basses on provided carpets, and exit the stage - waiting patiently to return an hour and a half later to play their final note:
**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**
The night of the concert arrives, everyone is dressed to the nines (as is appropriate of course). The basses are shined and everyone is relaxed and ready. The conducter taps on his conducter's stand to get attention, raises his hands and with a gallant downstroke the basses play the ever living shit out of their note
**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**
And then quietly lay down their instruments on the provided carpets and step behind the curtain. This is where things go awry,
"Hey guys," says the lead bass "I have a great idea. There's a bar across the street and we have at least an hour and a half before we play our next note. Let's slip across and have a couple pints!"
Everyone thinks this is a fantastic idea, so the entire section hops along to the bar and downs a couple pints. One of the second basses after a while gets a little conserned and asks the lead bass if it was time to go back. "No, we got time. See, I tied a string to the last page of the conductors score attached to a transciever. When he gets to that section I'll get a buzz on my phone and we can head back."
Everyone thinks that this is brilliant so they knock back a few more pints before suddenly the lead bass stands up and announces it's time to go. They bounce back across the street, through the musicians entrance, and up to the curtain to peek through and sure enough, they're right on time. So they slip through, pick up their instruments and look up at the conductor and...he is angry.
Super angry.
Ready to bust a blood vessel angry.
But you would be too wouldn't you? It was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh16zd/the_new_york_philharmonic_was_conducting_a/
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What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh16c3/what_animal_has_five_legs/
%
Q: What was the longest river in the world before they discovered the Nile?

A: The Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh137y/q_what_was_the_longest_river_in_the_world_before/
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What do you call a pirate with a fat ass?

Thiccccccc
With seven c's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh11wo/what_do_you_call_a_pirate_with_a_fat_ass/
%
Today was awesome, I found $1.36 in change in the gym shower today

And the guy dropping them was really nice too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh11t6/today_was_awesome_i_found_136_in_change_in_the/
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Did you hear about the guy that sat on a tack?

It made his whole week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh0yw1/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_sat_on_a_tack/
%
My lawyer is worth every penny...

...he charges because of the time he saves me.
This year, for example, he probably saved me five to ten years, in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh0y2i/my_lawyer_is_worth_every_penny/
%
An American, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a German are watching a juggler in a park, who asks, "Can you see me?"

"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh0rzx/an_american_a_frenchman_a_mexican_and_a_german/
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When you are telling a joke to identical twins, make sure that you are telling them the whole joke.

Because it’s very hard to tell them a part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh0rac/when_you_are_telling_a_joke_to_identical_twins/
%
What do you put on a dead fruits gravestone?

R.I.P.E

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh0ojq/what_do_you_put_on_a_dead_fruits_gravestone/
%
There are 2 potatoes standing on a street corner, how do you know which one is the prostitute?

It’s the one with the “Idaho” sticker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh0lto/there_are_2_potatoes_standing_on_a_street_corner/
%
My uncle told me this

2 hillbillies, Cletus and Bubba are talking in a bar. A lady at a table next to them starts choking. Cletus stands up and walks towards her. He asks her “Are you choking?” The woman nods. Cletus then kneels down and licks her rear. The woman was so surprised that she spit out the food. Cletus walked back and Bubba said “Wow! I’d heard of the hind lick maneuver but I’ve never seen anyone do it before!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh0kg8/my_uncle_told_me_this/
%
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents

The girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh0i2t/a_girl_asks_her_boyfriend_to_come_over_and_have/
%
Did you hear about the robbery at the laundromat?

Two clothes pins held up a pair of pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh0hqx/did_you_hear_about_the_robbery_at_the_laundromat/
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Little Pianist

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch  pianist.  He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a  wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him  that he can have one wish.  So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a  million bucks."
The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and  roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happened, and his friend  replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh0g2s/little_pianist/
%
Two windmills...

Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other one says, "I’m a heavy metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh0as7/two_windmills/
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I hear a lot of Redditors have been joining the Navy.

I'm always hearing about Redditors in this or that sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh09is/i_hear_a_lot_of_redditors_have_been_joining_the/
%
Game of Thrones Themed: "Knock knock. Who's there? Arya"

"Knock knock. Who's there?  Arya"
"Arya who?"
"Arya gonna let me in? Winter is comin'!"
I'm a new dad ...I think this whole dad joke thing is inevitable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh0436/game_of_thrones_themed_knock_knock_whos_there_arya/
%
What food do you serve an Italian and a French man?

Baguetti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bh020r/what_food_do_you_serve_an_italian_and_a_french_man/
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Three hillbillies are at work...

They’ve just been handed their new health benefits plan. Cletus starts reading it and says “Hey Billy-Bob, hey Bubba, check this part out, if we lose a finger at work we get $5000!”
Later that day, Billy-Bob and Bubba cut off Cletus’ finger. They collect their $5000, put the finger in a plastic bag and headed to the hospital to get it reattached. A few weeks later Cletus is back at work.
Billy-Bob tells Bubba and Cletus he was reading some more of the health plan booklet. He tells them if they lose an arm at work they’ll get $10,000.
Later that day, Bubba and Cletus cut off Billy-Bob’s arm. They went and collected their $10,000, put the arm in a plastic bag and headed to the hospital to get it reattached. A few weeks later Billy-Bob was back at work.
Bubba was eating his lunch and reading some more of the new health plan. He was amazed at what he had just read and ran off to tell Billy-Bob and Cletus. He told them that if they got decapitated at work they would get $100,000. They were ecstatic! That would be enough money for them all to retire.
Later that day they cut off Bubba’s head. They went and collected their $100,000, put the head in plastic bag and headed to the hospital. A few hours later the doctor came out.
“Sorry fellas, I wasn’t able to save Bubba’s head.”  he said.
“Why not?” asked Cletus, “You were able to reattach my finger!”
“Yeah!” said Billy-Bob, “You were able to reattach my arm!”
He looked at them both, “Well ya see, you put Bubba’s head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgzsks/three_hillbillies_are_at_work/
%
A Group of Friends Hop on a Private Plane

An hour or so into the flight, the plane shudders violently for a moment, but calms down after a moment.  The pilot comes back to calm down his frightened passengers and says "Now I don't mean to scare you but we just lost one of our engines.  Really nothing to worry about though, we can fly just fine on the other 3, it will just take us an extra hour to reach our destination".  The friends relax after a bit and another hour of the flight goes by uneventfully. Suddenly the plane shakes again.  After it settles, the pilot comes back into the cabin. "Unfortunately we just lost a second engine. It's alright though, we routinely fly on just two engines.  It'll just add another hour or so before we arrive".  The group nervously laughs it off, and the flight continues on smoothly.  But after another hour, the plane shakes again.  The pilot walks into the cabin, beads of sweat forming on his forehead.  "Alright, we just lost a third engine.  But this here is a tough old bird, and she can fly just fine on one engine.  It's just gonna take an extra couple of hours to get there." As he turns to head back to the cockpit, one of the friends shouts back at him "Look Captain, I don't mean to be rude, but if we lose that last engine, we're gonna be up here all day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgzrx4/a_group_of_friends_hop_on_a_private_plane/
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My wife came home and said she had the best day at work ever. I started crying.

Moral of the story folks, don’t marry a porn star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgzkwi/my_wife_came_home_and_said_she_had_the_best_day/
%
The difference between politics in the USA and Ukraine is

It's improv in the US.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgzkbt/the_difference_between_politics_in_the_usa_and/
%
If you think heaven is gonna be boring remember that all your love ones and heroes are gonna be there

Like the guy who killed hitler a personal favourite of mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgzk6z/if_you_think_heaven_is_gonna_be_boring_remember/
%
A kid walks into a kitchen...

... and ask: "mom, what's for breakfast?"
"Look, just because I sleep with your dad, it doesnt mean that you can call me "mom""
"Ok, so what am I supposed to call you then?"
"Just as usual, "Steven""
PS. Sorry for any grammar mistakes, english is not my native language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgziu0/a_kid_walks_into_a_kitchen/
%
SOS

The captain: “Mayday, mayday.  We are sinking!”
The German coast guard: “What are you sinking about?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgzihx/sos/
%
"Hi Nancy! You're looking good!"

"Thanks Mr. President.  Sorry I can't say the same about you."
"Well, you could if you lied like me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgzdak/hi_nancy_youre_looking_good/
%
A doctor tells his patient he has terminal cancer

“Oh, my God!” the guy says. “How long do I have left?”
“Seven,” says the doctor.
“Seven what, doc?” says the guy. “Months? Years?”
“Six, ” says the doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgzc9t/a_doctor_tells_his_patient_he_has_terminal_cancer/
%
Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"
"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."
"What about if I were just to think it?"
"No sir. You can think whatever you like."
"In that case, I think you're a cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgzbuq/driving_home_after_a_hard_day_at_work_a_man_gets/
%
what do you call a plastic fish?

artifishal!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgzayd/what_do_you_call_a_plastic_fish/
%
Doctor: You have AIDS and alzheimer...

Patient: At least I don't have AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgz0yc/doctor_you_have_aids_and_alzheimer/
%
Fuckmonster....

This is probably a repost but I have not seen it and told this joke over twenty years ago...
One day a woman is out shopping for a gift to give her friend for her birthday.  Her friend had tons of things and liked really weird items, the kind of things that most people would just look at and shake their heads.  So while the woman was out looking around she came across a store of oddities and figured she might just find something there for her friend.
She went inside and started to look around.  After a bit a little old lady came out of the back room and with a odd little accent asks if she needs any help.  The woman explains the situation and the little old lady says she may have just what she is looking for.  Soon she comes out with a little shrunken head and explains how it was made by a tribe in the jungles of West Africa.  The woman looks at it and then explains that her friend actually had one that she picked up a few years ago while in the Peace Corps.
The little old lady is unperturbed and starts looking around and then comes up with a didgeridoo.  She plays a little tune and then tells the woman about how she received it from a shaman of an Aborigine tribe.  The woman thinks about it for a second and then remembers seeing something very similar in the corner of her friends apartment.  It was slightly larger than this one and not wanting to chance buying another one she turns this one down as well.
Before long the woman is almost ready to leave as she just isn't finding anything that catches her eye.  Just as she is about to leave the little old lady comes out of the back room with a small cage.  She stops the woman and says before you leave I want you to have a look at this.  I have had it a very long time but I am old and really no longer have a need for it.  The little old lady sets the cage down on the floor and opens the door and a little odd creature walks out.  He had blue and green mottled fur with a little red tuft on the top of his head with a small set of horns.  The woman asks what it is and the little old lady explains.  She says, This is a fuckmonster it is a most unique creature and will certainly not be something your friend has already.  She then looks at the fuckmonster and says, Fuckmonster, buffalo.  The little monster stands up and from out of nowhere grows a huge penis and goes over and starts hammering away at a stuffed buffalo.  The woman buys it on the spot.
On her trip home the little monster is riding along on the front seat of her car.  It was a little bit of a drive and before long she looks over at the little guy and an idea pops into her head on how to make the trip more interesting.  She then says, Fuckmonster, me.  The little guy stands up and slides under the steering wheel grows his big old hard on and starts pounding away at her.  She is in unbelievable ecstasy  having orgasm after orgasm as the monster works his magic.
The trip was much more interesting but she happened to hit a couple parked cars along the way and before long a police officer pulls her over.  At the point the little fuckmonster was sitting on the seat again and she had mostly straightened herself up.  The officer walks up to her window and in a deep burly voice asks the woman if she knows why she had been pulled over.  She says she does and was very sorry and was planning to go back and leave her information on the cars but found it very hard to stop.  Then she proceeds to tell him why that was and all about the fuckmonster.  She finishes and asks him for leniency and he just shakes his head and states, Fuckmonster my ass....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgyyyv/fuckmonster/
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I have many jokes about unemployed people.

Sadly, none of them work...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgyscj/i_have_many_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
I was walking down the street the other day when I slipped and fell in dog shit a minute later some guy did exactly the same

So I said to him, ”I just did that”.
He punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgyr90/i_was_walking_down_the_street_the_other_day_when/
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Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

Just in case she needed to draw blood!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgypln/why_did_the_nurse_need_a_red_pen_at_work/
%
What is a Nazi’s favorite sticker?

A Swash-Sticker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgygm1/what_is_a_nazis_favorite_sticker/
%
Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship

Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?"
Yoda answers: "off course, we are"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgyfyu/yoda_and_obi_wan_in_a_space_ship/
%
What's an amputee's favorite toy?

Legos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgyfky/whats_an_amputees_favorite_toy/
%
Sexism isnt cool at all

Bitches hate that shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgye89/sexism_isnt_cool_at_all/
%
So I was in a hostel playing chess with a European guy when an Aussie comes up and says...

"There's no way you'll win."
"Why?"
"Because he's Czech, mate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgydff/so_i_was_in_a_hostel_playing_chess_with_a/
%
If I had to eat a number from 0 to 10, I would eat 5.

I’ve heard it’s median delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgy8xm/if_i_had_to_eat_a_number_from_0_to_10_i_would_eat/
%
Your penis is so small...

that when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgy8vv/your_penis_is_so_small/
%
Gym Shoes (Based on a Real Story)

I’m in the locker room and after I put on my gym clothes I realize I don’t have my shoes in my gym bag. Go back to my car, not there.
Now I don’t work out much, which means getting myself to the gym is actually harder than the workout and I can’t waste an opportunity like this.  So I notice a pair of shoes above the lockers, placed there by the janitor when he cleans the locker room. I’m the only one around and I think to myself, “the guy who left those won’t know if I use them and I’ll put them back after I work out.”
So I quickly snatched them from the top of the locker room and learned I had left my shoes for a whole week in the locker room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgy379/gym_shoes_based_on_a_real_story/
%
I asked the librarian if they had any books on suicide.

She said "Fuck off, you won't bring it back".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgy1u7/i_asked_the_librarian_if_they_had_any_books_on/
%
My wife said "What are you doing today?"

I told her "Nothing"
She said you did that yesterday.
I told her, "I did not finish"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgxwzv/my_wife_said_what_are_you_doing_today/
%
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed..

How could anyone stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgxwh5/just_heard_about_a_dwarf_who_was_pickpocketed/
%
If you see a robbery at an Apple store...

Does that make you an iWitness?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgxw01/if_you_see_a_robbery_at_an_apple_store/
%
How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Seven
One to promote the project to the public and congress
One to write the bill and bring it to congress
One to approve the bill once it has been brought up
One to secure the zoning rights once the bill has passed
One to allocate the necessary funds from the budget
One to hire the labor needed with the funds once the budget is approved
and one to screw the light bulb into the door handle.
Note: Senior Citizen told me the joke and loved it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgxsor/how_many_politicians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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More Tea!

An old Native American Chief was meeting with some Colonists for the first time. He welcomes then into his teepee and the meeting begins. As a show of good faith they offered him some tea and he absolutely loved it! The meetings conclude and the Colonists leave him some extra tea so he can enjoy it after they left. The old chief enjoyed it so much he called for his wife, "Squaw, more tea!" and she brought him some more tea. About an hour goes by and calls to her again, "Squaw, more tea!". This goes on late into the night.
The next day they found him drowned in his teepee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgxro6/more_tea/
%
What is brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgxom2/what_is_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
What's the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgxhqf/whats_the_best_drug_to_have_sex_on/
%
What's the difference between a night club and a strip club?

A night club has a beat that you can dance to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgxh64/whats_the_difference_between_a_night_club_and_a/
%
A drugs squad officer stopped at a farm

...near Bradford, and talked with an old farmer.
He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."
The farmer said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.
The drugs squad officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me."
Reaching into his rear trouser pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear. Do you understand?"
The old farmer nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the drugs squad officer running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big ferocious-looking bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The old farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted at the top of his lungs,
“Your badge!! Show him your BADGE!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgxerm/a_drugs_squad_officer_stopped_at_a_farm/
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My best friend has a small penis

It's an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgxam1/my_best_friend_has_a_small_penis/
%
A man walks in a bar and asks the bartender

Man : Do you have bananas?
Bartender : Humm, no, we don't
Man : Do you have bananas?
Bartender : No, we don't have bananas
Man : Do you have bananas?
Bartender : No, we don't have bananas here
Man : Do you have bananas?
Bartender : NO, we don't
Man : Do you have bananas?
Bartender : NO, WE DON'T HAVE BANANAS
Man : Do you have bananas?
Bartender : NO, WE DON'T HAVE F\*\*\*ING BANANAS
Man : Do you have bananas?
Bartender : NEXT TIME YOU ASK ME IF I HAVE BANANAS I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR HANDS ON THIS COUNTER !
Man : Do you have nails?
Bartender (confused) : Hum, no
Man : Do you have bananas?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgx8hd/a_man_walks_in_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
%
An old man marries a younger woman and they decide to have a child.

After months of unsuccessfully trying to conceive, the man goes to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor hands him a sample cup and tells him, “Take this home, fill it up, and bring it back in tomorrow.”
The next day, the man walks in with the sample cup still empty and hands it to the doctor. Confused, the doctor asks, “Where’s the sample?”
“Well,” The man says, “I tried with my hands, and nothing. Then my wife tried with her hands, and nothing. Then my wife tried with her mouth and still, nothing. So then my wife’s sister tried with her hand—”
“WHOAH, WOAH, WOAH!” The doctor says as he cuts him off. “Your wife’s sister!?”
“Yeah.” The man says. “And we still couldn’t get the damn lid off!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgx7k5/an_old_man_marries_a_younger_woman_and_they/
%
As an airplane is about to crash...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgx43q/as_an_airplane_is_about_to_crash/
%
What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgx26c/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
I once wrote a theoretical performance based entirely on puns.

You could call it a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgx1ak/i_once_wrote_a_theoretical_performance_based/
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A Roman soldier walks into a bar...

He holds up two fingers and says "Five of your finest beer, please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgwzgl/a_roman_soldier_walks_into_a_bar/
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[Long and semi not safe] The butler and the wife

There was a butler named James who worked for an old decrepit Billionaire that had a smoking hot 25 year old wife. James was infatuated with her and knew she wasn’t being satisfied by ole crusty.
He was caught staring at her longingly more than once and she seemed flattered more than offended so this just reinforced that she was needing something more.
One night he dropped them off at a $5,000 a plate dinner and James returned to the mansion. About an hour later the wife returned without the Billionaire, unexpectedly.
She told James to follow her up to the bedroom where she closed the door behind them.
She said “James, take off my blouse”
He did as she asked, his fingers were trembling.
She said “James, take off my skirt”
Again he complied with trembling fingers
She said “James, take off my bra”
Again, compliance, fingers trembling even more.
She said, “James, take off my stockings”
His hands were trembling almost uncontrollably now
She said “ James, take off my panties”
Again, he complied and his fingers could barely grasp her panties they were trembling so much. This was it..............
Then she said “If I catch you wearing my clothes again James, you’re fired!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgwz20/long_and_semi_not_safe_the_butler_and_the_wife/
%
Told my wife, "Pack your bags, I won the lottery"

she asked, "where we going?"
i said, "no pack *your* bags, i won the lottery"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgwuwe/told_my_wife_pack_your_bags_i_won_the_lottery/
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My 5 y/old daughter told me no more Dad Jokes.

I told her that the only Dad Joke around here is You.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgwt2p/my_5_yold_daughter_told_me_no_more_dad_jokes/
%
My girlfriend is anorexic

i’ve been seeing less and less of her lately

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgwsst/my_girlfriend_is_anorexic/
%
I went to a pub, and the wifi password was 'youhavetobuyabeerfirst'

So I bought a beer, asked for the password, same answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgwp8u/i_went_to_a_pub_and_the_wifi_password_was/
%
What do you call a hand cream that makes you cry?

A moist-your-eyes-er

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgwoqr/what_do_you_call_a_hand_cream_that_makes_you_cry/
%
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing.

So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning.
Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says "I'd like some damn cheerios!"
The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says "well what about you?"
He says "well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgwocc/two_young_brothers_decide_its_time_they_start/
%
A 9 year old child was rummaging through his mother's makeup cabinet when he found a age reducing ointment...

The label mentioned that you will look 10 years younger. Not know what it was exactly, the child rubbed the ointment all over his body.
Hours later, the mother noticed the lack of noise and went to check on her child. To her dismay, she saw her makeup supplies scattered about, found her anti aging ointment open, and next to it a bottle of wine, a broken condom, and a pile of tissues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgwnbe/a_9_year_old_child_was_rummaging_through_his/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgwl3e/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
The Leaning Tower of Pisa actually isn't leaning.

...they just built it in Italic font.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgwfg4/the_leaning_tower_of_pisa_actually_isnt_leaning/
%
What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boy’s face after he is 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgwefh/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_catholic/
%
Call me racist if you want but south of the border is a sea full of violence, incompetence and present uncertainty. Wouldn't touch it with a pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Scotland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgwbch/call_me_racist_if_you_want_but_south_of_the/
%
When is a door not a door?

When it is a jar.
My grandma use to say this all the time when I was little and I thought it was so silly but now it reminds me of her and all her crazy jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgwa6g/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
%
My last job was at an orange juice factory.

I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgw8fj/my_last_job_was_at_an_orange_juice_factory/
%
I went to the opticians the other day, you would not guess who I bumped into!

Everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgw7xj/i_went_to_the_opticians_the_other_day_you_would/
%
The farmer and the neighbor boy (sorry for the mobile format)

This lonely farmer likes to sit on his porch his every mourning. One mourning, as he’s sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape.
The farmer asks “what are you doing with so much tape?”  The boy replies “this isn’t just any tape this is duck tape. I’m going to catch me some ducks”
The farmer laughs and tells him it doesn’t work like that but the boy ventures on anyway.
A couple hours later the boy comes back with 10 ducks wrapped up in tape. The farmer can’t believe his eyes.
The next day the farmer is on his porch again and the boy comes walking past carrying some wire fence. The farmer says “what on earth do you got all that wire for?
The boy replies “this ain’t no ordinary wire. It’s chicken wire. I’m gonna catch me some chickens.” Now the farmer, remembering yesterday, says “ just because you got chicken wire don’t mean your gonna catch chickens”
A couple hours later the boy comes walking  past with a whole flock of chickens wrapped up in wire. The farmer sees it from his window and shouts “how’d you get all those chickens” but the boy keeps walking without saying another word.
The next day the boy walks past the farmers porch again carrying a long stick. The farmer asks “what are you doing with that stick boy?” The boy replies “this ain’t no ordinary stick this is from a pussy willow”. The farmer says “let me get my hat”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgw2vs/the_farmer_and_the_neighbor_boy_sorry_for_the/
%
I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia

she leaned in close and whispered ‘they’re behind you’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgw18m/i_asked_the_librarian_if_she_had_any_books_on/
%
[Doctor analysing my x-ray results] Doctor: This is exactly what I was afraid of...

Me: what?
Doctor: Skeletons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgvvfq/doctor_analysing_my_xray_results_doctor_this_is/
%
Two older couples were having chat.....

The men were in the living room, and the ladies were in the study next door.
One of the gentlemen says "We went to a great new restaurant last week, you should try it out.'
What's the name of it? his friend says.
"eh, well, hmmm...what's the name of the flower that symbolizes love?   It's often red?"
You mean a rose?
Turning in his chair-"Hey Rose, what's the name of that new restaurant we went to last week?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgvqvi/two_older_couples_were_having_chat/
%
What’s the worst part of going to a hypochondriacs anonymous meeting?

Admitting that you don’t have a problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgvffj/whats_the_worst_part_of_going_to_a_hypochondriacs/
%
I wanted to make my cock longer so I had 5 toes surgically attached.

It still looks the same length but now it feels like a foot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgvd9y/i_wanted_to_make_my_cock_longer_so_i_had_5_toes/
%
My little brother asked me about safe sex

I told him that it's dangerous, fucked up, and that he should just have sex with people instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgvczv/my_little_brother_asked_me_about_safe_sex/
%
What do you call a good joke about Steaks?

A rare medium, well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgv2dv/what_do_you_call_a_good_joke_about_steaks/
%
I tried reading Trump's autobiography but

it kept on going back to Chapter 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgv1ni/i_tried_reading_trumps_autobiography_but/
%
There was a really unlucky man called Bob...

He was so unlucky that he was born with only one testicle!
One day, he decided to buy a plane ticket and go visit his aunt and uncle. He boarded the plane and started to watch the view.
Mid-flight, they went through a horrible turbulance and the captain came out to announce that one of the engines failed so they needed to throw someone off the plane with their baggage. They drew matches and whoever picked the short one was going to get kicked out.
Of course, the unlucky man Bob picked the shorter match. He refused the outcome so they drew matches once more and Bob picked the shorter one again!
Bob said: “Okay, I’ll jump... IF you guys can tell me the amount of ballsack we have with this guy in total.”
Passengers scoffed and answered: “It’s four, obviously!”
So Bob, with a big grin on his face, dropped his pants down to reveal his one testicle.
Then the other guy dropped his pants to reveal his three testicles...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgv0g2/there_was_a_really_unlucky_man_called_bob/
%
I need a hug.....

..e amount of money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bguyxf/i_need_a_hug/
%
A man spends the entire night getting hammered at his local pub.

After last call, the man stands up from his stool but falls flat on his face trying to walk. He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar, attempts to stand, but falls flat on his face to the sidewalk. He drags himself to his car and drives home. He tries to unlock his front door, finally gets it unlocked, but falls flat on his face in the hallway of his home. His wife is standing on the steps to the bedroom, waiting for the man. “You’ve been out drinking again, haven’t you?”
“What makes you say that?” the man asks, still lying on the cold wooden floor.
“Because the bar called. You forgot your wheelchair again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bguxl2/a_man_spends_the_entire_night_getting_hammered_at/
%
What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bguxip/whats_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
%
This one is for you philosophy nerds. What do you call it when a middle aged woman takes a break from reading Plato dialogues?

Meno pause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bguvjj/this_one_is_for_you_philosophy_nerds_what_do_you/
%
Why is Reddit called Reddit?

Because to get karma, all you have to do is re-edit old jokes and repost them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bguu8o/why_is_reddit_called_reddit/
%
Why hasn't anyone seen Bruce Jenner in years?

Because he's transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bguq56/why_hasnt_anyone_seen_bruce_jenner_in_years/
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I submitted ten puns into a pun contest hoping at least one of them would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bguoyd/i_submitted_ten_puns_into_a_pun_contest_hoping_at/
%
What do you call a wine infused with spicy peppers?

Jalapinot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgulo5/what_do_you_call_a_wine_infused_with_spicy_peppers/
%
Two dyslexics run into a bank...

Two dyslexics run into a bank, guns drawn, and yell, "Air in the hands, Mother Stickers! This is a fuck up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgukyn/two_dyslexics_run_into_a_bank/
%
A man goes into a restaurant.

After looking over the menu for a bit, a beautiful waitress comes over to serve him and asks what he would like.
He says, "I want a quickie."
She slaps him and says, "Just give me your order, mister!"
Another customer leans over and says, "I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bguga0/a_man_goes_into_a_restaurant/
%
In Star Wars, what language is used to program droids?

JawaScript

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bguf0v/in_star_wars_what_language_is_used_to_program/
%
Three women were returning to their village one night.

They spotted a man staggering ahead of them who was obviously very drunk. As they watched, he stumbled and fell face-down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn't tell, so she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."
The second woman, peering over the first woman's shoulder, agreed, "You're right, he's not your husband."
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not even from our village."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bguecl/three_women_were_returning_to_their_village_one/
%
What You Call A Unvaccinated Child On His 4th Birthday!!!

A Grave Mistake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgudej/what_you_call_a_unvaccinated_child_on_his_4th/
%
An old lady who never married passed away.

In her will, it specified that her tombstone say, "Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin." But that was too many words to put on the stone, so they they just wrote, "Returned unopened."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bguaoj/an_old_lady_who_never_married_passed_away/
%
A little girl was playing in the garden

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" "That’s a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.
The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgu2jm/a_little_girl_was_playing_in_the_garden/
%
And the lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgu2gz/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
%
I’m at a job interview

‘Describe yourself in three words’
‘Lazy’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgu28q/im_at_a_job_interview/
%
John arrives in heaven and...

...at the entrance St. Peter shows him a high, high-rise building where he must enter.
The problem is that the building does not have an elevator so they slowly take the stairs.
On the first floor there is a corridor with doors on both sides and from all rooms there can be heard religious hymns on high volume
john: "What's with these sounds?"
St. Peter: "On this floor are the Evangelicals, they like to sing, and that seems to make them happy, so we leave them alone"
They climb to the second floor where, it is completely quiet and there's a smell of incense
john: "what's with the incense?"
St. Peter: "On this floor are the Buddhists, they like to meditate, and that seems to make them happy, so we leave them alone"
so they go by many floors where Jews, Jehovah's Witnesses, and others were doing their own thing
They eventually end up on one floor at the entrance of which there is a soundproof sealed door.
St. Peter slowly opens and closes it after them trying not to make noise and tells John to whisper
John: "But why?"
St. Peter: "On this floor are the Christians and they think they are the only ones up here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgu03f/john_arrives_in_heaven_and/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgtyu5/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
Today my jerk colleague from work asked me to cover his ass so that he can attend a pool party with his friends

I refused with anger and told him to use swimming trunks like everyone else does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgtxxp/today_my_jerk_colleague_from_work_asked_me_to/
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What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgttxd/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_little_person_who_has/
%
When Chuck Norris moved out

his dad became the man of the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgttlc/when_chuck_norris_moved_out/
%
A daughter calls her mother and says "I'm divorcing Nathan. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex."

My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece. when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece.
Her mother says:
"You are married to a multi-millionaire. You live in a mansion. You drive a Ferrari. You get all the money. You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45-cents?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgtt9h/a_daughter_calls_her_mother_and_says_im_divorcing/
%
What's the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist?

An etymologist knows the difference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgtqhd/whats_the_difference_between_an_entomologist_and/
%
What was the one legged man doing at the ATM?

Checking his balance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgtmv5/what_was_the_one_legged_man_doing_at_the_atm/
%
Did you hear about the new emo pizza?

It cuts itself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgtm98/did_you_hear_about_the_new_emo_pizza/
%
A Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Canadian

An Englishman a Frenchman and a Canadian all get lost in the woods and run into a tribe of Indians. The Indians tell them that they can choose how they die then they'll use their skin for canoes. So the Englishman asks for a gun yells long live the queen and shoots himself. The Frenchman asks for a sword yells viva la France and stabs himself. Then they get to the Canadian who asks for a fork, after an hour of him stabbing himself the Indians ask him what he is doing so he turns to them and says there goes your canoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgtkuh/a_englishman_a_frenchman_and_a_canadian/
%
A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”
“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”
The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talking excitedly.
“The neighbors went to the show today and said the tightrope walkers were doing the Hokey Pokey right up there on the wire! Can you even imagine?”
“I’d love to take you,” said the man. “But the boss’ll be mad if I don’t get this project finished.”
The following night the wife gushed about how the paperboy told her about how a dozen clowns had popped out of this tiny car and did the can-can in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing he ever saw.  The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but work was work.
The night after, the wife was downcast.
“My book club said last night the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was just perfectly romantic,” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?”
The man thinks it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.
The next day at work the boss notices the man is out and inquires about it with the friend.
“Oh,” says the friend. “He can’t come in today due to four unseen circus dances.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgthb1/a_man_and_his_wife_are_sitting_down_to_dinner/
%
A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"
A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”
The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgtf3i/a_woman_marries_a_man_and_has_10_children_the_man/
%
I sexually identify as a brick,

cuz I'm always hard and only been laid once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgtc65/i_sexually_identify_as_a_brick/
%
What do you call a man with a small penis?

Just in Beaver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgtc5b/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_small_penis/
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The Faltering Actor

There was once an actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and long past his peak! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada, where they are prepared to give him a chance.
The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just the fore finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line : _“Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress!”_
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and performing the sniffing action as told with one fore-finger and thumb, he delivered the line: “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”
The theater erupted, the audience was rolling with laughter and the director was steaming! “You bloody fool!” He cried, “You have ruined the show!”
The actor was bewildered, “What happened, _did I forget my line?_
“No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgtb7q/the_faltering_actor/
%
I used to love banking...

i just lost interest...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgt85w/i_used_to_love_banking/
%
My girlfriend told me that my cock is 2 inches bigger than her ex's

And that is why she will never go back into a lesbian relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgt3ft/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_my_cock_is_2_inches/
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A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....that was me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgt1rf/a_young_man_moved_into_a_new_apartment_of_his_own/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgt09o/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_in_the_bathroom/
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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation...

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgszlq/when_nasa_was_preparing_for_the_apollo_project/
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A dog calls up a newspaper to place a personal ad...

The operator says, "What do you want the advert to say?"
The dog replies, "Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof".
The operator says, "Our minimum charge is 10 words. Do you want me to add another "woof" for the same price? "
The dog says, "No, that wouldn't make any sense!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgsv0p/a_dog_calls_up_a_newspaper_to_place_a_personal_ad/
%
What do you call a Chinese guy who has difficulty standing?

Li-Ning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgsopy/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_guy_who_has_difficulty/
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A teacher asks her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Richard: I want to be a doctor!
Tommy: I want to be a firefighter!
Elizabeth: I want to be a mother!
The teacher then asks Jamal what he wants to do later.
Jamal: Help people.
Teacher: What kind of help?
Jamal: I want to help Elizabeth become a mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgsn01/a_teacher_asks_her_students_what_they_want_to_be/
%
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
“I really need a new fucking boat,” I thought to myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgsfwq/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole_i/
%
I'm a paranoid attention seeker.

I always think someone isn't talking about me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgsbob/im_a_paranoid_attention_seeker/
%
How do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgsbae/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
Why are North Koreans so good at geometry ?

Because they have a supreme ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgs7b6/why_are_north_koreans_so_good_at_geometry/
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Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)
Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left breast. The Royals (my team) fan takes off his hat and covers her right breast. The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive. The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book. He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, "What was that? Haven't you seen one of those before?" The detective replies, "You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I see an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgs73b/three_sports_fans_leave_a_bar/
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I’m really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

but I don’t know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgs4kp/im_really_good_friends_with_25_letters_of_the/
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After my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, I decided to start thinking about names.

In the end I went for Juan Carlos and hopped on the next flight to Spain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgry7e/after_my_girlfriend_told_me_she_was_pregnant_i/
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Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

Because 9 7 8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgrtpj/why_was_yoda_afraid_of_7/
%
I was in a school shooting

So glad I was because now I'm vaccinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgrrzt/i_was_in_a_school_shooting/
%
There are increasing amounts of obese people each year

I'm not sure if you understand the weight of the situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgrqox/there_are_increasing_amounts_of_obese_people_each/
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What do you call the king of stationary

The ruler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgrq6b/what_do_you_call_the_king_of_stationary/
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My name is Boninjab

It's pronounced Bob.
The ninja is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgrpue/my_name_is_boninjab/
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Accidentally clicked on some gay porn last night......

Worst three hours of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgrpsm/accidentally_clicked_on_some_gay_porn_last_night/
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgrozx/how_much_does_a_hipster_weigh/
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It is no longer politically correct to call tweakers, tweakers.

They are Methican Americans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgrovh/it_is_no_longer_politically_correct_to_call/
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Avengers Endgame Spoiler [Joke, no real spoilers]

Buddy: Yo so I just watched Avengers Endgame, and you know what happened?
Me: Might as well tell me, so many spoilers on social media anyway
Buddy: Well, I was at the theater, and I saw your girl with another dude...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgrkog/avengers_endgame_spoiler_joke_no_real_spoilers/
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If Thor was gay, what protection would he use?

Ass-guard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgri04/if_thor_was_gay_what_protection_would_he_use/
%
My penis was in the Guinness book of records...

... then I got caught and was asked to leave the library quite rudely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgrele/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_records/
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Typed this up, hoping it’s new blood.

Terry is going door to door selling peaches. He’s doing okay for himself, and he rounds the corner and comes upon an apartment complex. Lots of potential sales in one spot! He walks up to the first door and knocks.
The lady of the house opens the door wearing a robe which doesn’t leave much to the imagination.
Terry is gobsmacked. She’s beautiful, and just about to fall out of the robe. He introduces himself and starts to stammer out his sales pitch about the peaches he has for sale.
“These peaches are at their peak of flavor, firm, ripe, and fuzzy.”
Noticing that Terry is struggling, she decides to have some fun at his expense.
“Hmm, firm peaches, huh Terry? Are they as firm as this?” And she grabs his hand and places it on her butt.
“No, this is real nice, the peaches aren’t that firm.”
“And are they as ripe as these?” She asks, taking both of Terry’s hands in hers and placing them on her breasts.
“Oh no,” Terry replies, “these are really fine.”
“And fuzzy? Would you like to feel something fuzzy?” She asks as she starts to untie her robe and guide his hands downward.
At this point she hears a door opening.
“I hear someone coming, get in here,” and not wanting the neighbors to talk about what she was doing on the landing, she grabs Terry and pulls him into the apartment.
“Well,” she asks, “after checking out my body, what are you most impressed with?”
Terry ponders it a moment. “Well ma’am, I think I’m most impressed with your ears.”
“My ears?!?”
“Yeah, when you heard someone coming, that was me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgrd0t/typed_this_up_hoping_its_new_blood/
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Why don't vampires ever accidentally get a girl pregnant?

Because they have to ask permission to come inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgranw/why_dont_vampires_ever_accidentally_get_a_girl/
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What do you call a Chinese VPN?

Ip Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgr9tt/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_vpn/
%
I'll never forget the Do's and Don'ts my Christian Health teacher taught me in highschool.

Do's: Don't
Don'ts: Do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgr7h9/ill_never_forget_the_dos_and_donts_my_christian/
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Banned from the Holy City

Apparently, it is frowned upon to visit the Wailing Wall dressed as Captain Ahab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgr7gu/banned_from_the_holy_city/
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A married man is out looking for some “company”

While driving late at night he spots a prostitute down a dark alley. Not caring what she looks like he tells her to get in and he drives down the dark alley to get his freak on. After things get hot and heavy a cop pulls up and turns on his brights.
He walks up to the car, knocks on the window and says “what do you think you’re doing?”
The man replies “Don’t you mind?!?! I’m making love to my wife.”
The cop says, “I’m sorry I didn’t know.”
The man replies, “Neither did I until you turned your lights on.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgqz61/a_married_man_is_out_looking_for_some_company/
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A trucker is driving down a random stretch of highway

He happens upon a billboard while driving that reads...
Peaches, engineered for your taste!
Only 10 miles!
Mildly intrigued, the driver decides to check out what this means.  "Engineered for my tastes,  what bullshit!", he says.
Driving for the next couple miles, he finally comes across the turnoff to the restaurant. He parks, gets out and enters.  The cozy atmosphere catches him if guard, and he is greeted my a grandmotherly figure.
She spills her usual rhetoric:
"Welcome to our restaurant, where we have engineered peaches to become everything and more!  Using genetic engineering, we have been able to make peaches taste like nearly anything you can think of! "
The truck driver, doubting all the bullshit he had heard so far, decides to ask for a steak dinner. The old woman doesn't miss a beat and asks how he would like the steak, and which two sides would he want.
He says in a disbelieving tone,  "Medium rare, mashed potatoes and cornbread"
The old woman jots this down and tells the trucker it will be a few minutes, then promptly heads to the back towards the kitchen.
After about ten minutes she come out of the kitchen holding a plate with the steaming peaches...
Nothing else,  just peaches...
This is set down in front of the trucker, the old lady nods, smiles and leaves. Curious, the trucker decides to try one of the peaches. He picks up the peach labeled steak and takes a big bite...
Immediately, he tastes what seems to be the best steak he has ever tasted. Juicy, flavorful, even a slight charred flavor.
He then tries the mashed potatoes peach. Buttery, garlicky, perfectly spiced.
The cornbread peach next, just amazing.
As the trucker is marveling upon what he has just experienced, the old lady notices that he is finished with his meal and asks what his favorite dessert is. He tells her that he had always loved creme brulee.  Once again the old lady doesn't miss a beat, jots it down, and heads to the kitchen.
Yet when his dessert came out, it was not carried by the kind old lady, but an old man.
He approached the table, set down the last peach, and started talking...
"Everything you have tried tonight has been my life's work. Any taste can be replicated thru my method, which i have developed over the last 40 years. Everyone thinks the billboard is a joke, but you actually gave us a shot."
He was then momentarily silent, before producing another peach from his pocket. He scanned the room looking for his wife, the old lady, and then whispered...
I have a peach I've been developing, that tastes exactly like pussy. Would you like to try it?
Fuck it, why not, thought the trucker.
He grabbed the peach from the old man, took a huge bite, and immediately spit it out.
This tastes like shit!!!, said the trucker
The old man just replied,  "turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgqz19/a_trucker_is_driving_down_a_random_stretch_of/
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I told a girl she looks better without glasses

Girl: "But I don't ever wear glasses"
Me (while cleaning my glasses): "But I do"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgqwyz/i_told_a_girl_she_looks_better_without_glasses/
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What did the leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgqt85/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_hooker/
%
What's the difference between jelly and jam?

my uncle didn't jelly his dick in my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgqqjb/whats_the_difference_between_jelly_and_jam/
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Just heard this joke.

Man gets home, tells wife “Get me a beer before it starts”.
He drinks it then says “Quick get me another before it starts”.
Again she gets it, he drinks it and says “Another before it starts”.
She says “Listen here you lazy fat cunt, you walk in, sit down and start barking orders...”
He says “Fuck me it’s started”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgqi31/just_heard_this_joke/
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A kid is looking for his Christmas presents

He stumbles upon them in his parents closet and begins looking through them. As soon as he begins searching he hears the front door open. He panics and hides in the closet. Then his mom and a man(not his father) come into the bedroom and begin to get freaky. Then the front door opens again and it’s the father. The mom’s lover panics and hides in the closet. As the kids parents are talking the boy talks to the man.
Kid: “It’s dark in here.”
Man: “Sure is.”
K: “You know I have a baseball glove I’ll sell you for $300.”
M: “what I’m not buying your glove”
K: “ You know my dad is right out there and all I have to do is scream.”
M: “Alright fine” and he buys the glove
A week later the same situation happens again and the man and kid are in the closet again.
K: “It’s dark in here”
M: “Sure is”
K: “You know I have a baseball”
M: remembering the last time “Alright how much?”
K: “$200”
The man pays the kid and when the coast is clear they go about their day.
A week later the dad asks the son “Hey, let’s go play some catch.”
K: “I can’t I sold my glove and ball”
D: “You sold it! For how much?”
K: “$500”
D: “Whoa that is too much! I can’t believe you would con your friends like that. We are going to church so you can go and confess.”
They drive to the church and the dad throws the kid into the confessional and orders him to tell the priest what he’s done and slams the door.
After a minute of silence
Kid: “It’s dark in here.”
Priest: “Not this time you little shit. You’re in my closet now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgqdzc/a_kid_is_looking_for_his_christmas_presents/
%
What is a gay farmers favorite crop?

Hay Hay Hay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgqdea/what_is_a_gay_farmers_favorite_crop/
%
A man dies and goes to hell

The devil greets him a days “I’m feeling mighty generous, so I’ll let you decide what you’re going to do for the next 1000 years.” After touring him through the torture chamber and lava pits they come to a grotesque man receiving a blowjob from a beautiful young woman. The man says “Oh yeah, now this is what I’m talking about.” The devil asks “ Are you sure, this is something you’ll have to do for 1000 years and requires a lot of stamina.” The man replies “Oh yeah, I can do this for 1000 years.” The devil nods and walks up to the beautiful woman and says “You can go now, we found your replacement.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgq95z/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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I’m finally taking steps to cure my Reddit addiction.

I’ve been Reddit-free for 72 days.
Wait...
**SHIT!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgq8nr/im_finally_taking_steps_to_cure_my_reddit/
%
What do you call a dead chicken?

A poultry-geist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgq3os/what_do_you_call_a_dead_chicken/
%
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a lightbulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgq3fd/whats_the_difference_between_a_lightbulb_and_a/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

About half way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgq1k0/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_ocean/
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Why would no one name their child Pollen?

There's a lot of stigma attached to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgpy3c/why_would_no_one_name_their_child_pollen/
%
Wanna hear a Jew joke?

Jokes on Jew cause I don't have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgptug/wanna_hear_a_jew_joke/
%
Elderly Driver

An elderly couple was watching tv in their living room when the old man noticed that their bowl of candy corn on the coffee table was getting low. “Im going to drive to town and refill this bowl” he says to his wife.  The old woman stayed behind crocheting and watching the news. After seeing a report of a driver going the wrong way on the freeway she picks up the phone to warn her husband-“honey be careful out there, I saw on the news that there is a car going the wrong way down the freeway”. With panic in his voice the man replies, “it’s not just one car, it’s all of them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgpoc5/elderly_driver/
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Question: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

*Answer1*: What’s the problem? The bulb at my desk works fine!
*Answer2*: None. That’s a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgplzz/question_how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to/
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Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in predicting what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say...it’s a gift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgpigz/not_to_brag_but_i_have_this_weird_talent_in/
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Why doesn't marvel use the hulk for advertising.

He's basically a giant banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgphvl/why_doesnt_marvel_use_the_hulk_for_advertising/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered SIX offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgpdaj/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgpa8t/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
A little Catholic boy and a little Protestant girl, both about four years old, were growing up in Northern Ireland...

Even though Catholics and Protestants didn’t generally get along with one another, the two played together often, not understanding why their families said they shouldn’t be friends.
On one particularly hot day, the two were playing when the little girl said, “‘Tis terribly hot today. We should go take a dip in the swimmin’ hole.”
The little boy replied, “We canna do that!  We do na have our swimmin’ clothes.”
But the little girl said, “That’s a’right. We can go swimmin’ in our all togethers!”
So, the two went off to the swimmin’ hole, where they each got undressed... At which point the little girl starts to look at the little boy, head to toe, eyes wide and confused. And the little boy was looking at the little girl. Head to toe. Jaw wide open with a puzzled look on his face.
He then managed to say, “Ma Da told me that Catholics and Protestants were different. But I did na think we were THAT different!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgp8rj/a_little_catholic_boy_and_a_little_protestant/
%
Why are 911 survivors the fastest readers?

They went through 87 stories in 7 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgp7x7/why_are_911_survivors_the_fastest_readers/
%
I hate when people ask me how I see my self in one year

I don’t have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgp6j9/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_how_i_see_my_self_in/
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How did the MP3 file say goodbye to the WAV file?

Audios.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgp596/how_did_the_mp3_file_say_goodbye_to_the_wav_file/
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I like my women how I like my coffee....

On a menu board with the prices next to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgp304/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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There was a young plumber named Lee

Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgowxy/there_was_a_young_plumber_named_lee/
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What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?

Barf-a-lona

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgomn1/what_do_you_call_a_hangover_when_youre_alone_in/
%
A surgeon fails an eye surgery

No one bats an eye.
A surgeon fails a brain surgery
and everybody loses their minds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgom11/a_surgeon_fails_an_eye_surgery/
%
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgok8b/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
The past, present and future walk into a bar...

It was tense!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgodle/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the peanut take the almond to court

It was assaulted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgo8rz/why_did_the_peanut_take_the_almond_to_court/
%
i can’t believe bacteria just enters our bodies without asking

it just makes me sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgo7xk/i_cant_believe_bacteria_just_enters_our_bodies/
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An elderly man and woman live in a nursing home together

An elderly man and woman lived in a nursing home together. The elderly man liked the elderly woman very much. So one day, he asks if they could sit together outside on the benches.
They sat there every day for about 3 weeks. Finally, the elderly man builds up enough nerve to ask the woman if she would hold his penis.
"All you have to do is hold it, that’s all” he said in his old crackling voice.
The woman agrees to it. They sat at the benches every day for about 2 more weeks with her holding his penis every time.
Finally, one day the elderly woman walks outside and he’s not at the benches. She gets worried and goes to look for him.
She finds him at another bench with another woman. Upset, she asks the man, "What does she have that I don’t!?”
The elderly man smiles and says, "Parkinson’s”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgo7ld/an_elderly_man_and_woman_live_in_a_nursing_home/
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A group of people are travelling and see a zebra which is completely white

The buisnessman says: Look! The zebra here are white!
The biologist says: That may not be true, but its an important discovery nonetheless
The statistician says: This zebra is insignificant, only one is known to exist
The mathematician says: Actually we only know that this zebra is white on one side
The philosopher says: No, we don't even know if the zebra has another side
The computer programmer says: Oh no! It's another special case!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgo73i/a_group_of_people_are_travelling_and_see_a_zebra/
%
Why would Helen Keller make a bad driver?

Because she’s dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgo5z6/why_would_helen_keller_make_a_bad_driver/
%
How does a castle hooker describe her job?

I work most knights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgnzjv/how_does_a_castle_hooker_describe_her_job/
%
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

The golfer goes *whack* “damn”
The skydiver says “damn” *wack*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgnyve/whats_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
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The Trump admin has the politest people

Whenever they meet, they all say "'Pardon me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgny56/the_trump_admin_has_the_politest_people/
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Husband is getting ready to go out drinking with his buddies.

Wife is ironing his shirt and as he's putting it on, she gives him a warning about his drinking. "Remember, if you get so drunk that you throw up on your clothes. I'm going to be really upset". He assures her that he will be good and heads out to the bar to meet his friends. Of course he begins to drink too much and goes into the bathroom, where he proceeds to vomit all over his shirt. He gets back to the bar and is freaking out. He explains to his friend that he is in big trouble. His friend says no problem, this is what you do. Take a $20 bill and put it in your shirt pocket and leave it there when you put the shirt in the laundry. When your wife finds the soiled shirt, just explain that a drunk next to you threw up on you. He felt so bad, he gave you $20 to get the shirt cleaned. Problem solved. So, its the end of the evening and he is home getting undressed. His wife who happened to be up, sees his shirt in the laundry and proceeds to get mad. He quickly explains to her what happened and she reaches into the pocket to find the money. "But honey" she says. There's $40 in your pocket. "Oh", he says. That same drunk guy? He also shit in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgnqm3/husband_is_getting_ready_to_go_out_drinking_with/
%
I saw a 4 year girl crying, all alone.

“Are you ok?” I asked her. “Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”
“No” she sobbed.
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgnotd/i_saw_a_4_year_girl_crying_all_alone/
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What's hitler's favorite game mode on Call of Duty?

One in the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgno6l/whats_hitlers_favorite_game_mode_on_call_of_duty/
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I wash my hands before I go to the toilet

I like to keep my shit clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgnj5u/i_wash_my_hands_before_i_go_to_the_toilet/
%
My uncle got a vasectomy, but couldn't afford to pay the medical bill...

So the finance company came to his house and knocked up my aunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgnil2/my_uncle_got_a_vasectomy_but_couldnt_afford_to/
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Contrary to popular belief, Benjamin Franklin didn’t discover electricity.

He was just really shocked by it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgndgu/contrary_to_popular_belief_benjamin_franklin/
%
So a man dies...

and walks up the stairway to heaven and meets St.Peter, he asks if he's ever cheated on his wife, the man truthfully replies "Never, I love my wife!" and St. Peter gives him a Roles Royce to drive around heaven. The next guy comes and St.Peter asks him the same thing, the man responds with "I did once or twice before we were married." St. Peter lets him in and he gets a Lexus. The next comes up and when asks the same question he answered, " Yeah, I did a lot, I was a TERRIBLE husband."  St. Peter decides to give him an old Volkswagen.  A few weeks later he see's the man who he gave a Roles Royce bawling his eyes out.  St.Peter asks " What's wrong? You have a Roles Royce, you're in heaven and you lived a long prosperous life with no unfinished business." The man replies "I just saw my wife! She was riding a bicycle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgnbls/so_a_man_dies/
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When i was young, i was so ugly

even the priest told me we could be just friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgn7wa/when_i_was_young_i_was_so_ugly/
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Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgmj2o/judaism_is_said_to_be_successful_because_our/
%
I was buying condoms and the clerk asked me if I wanted a bag.

I responded, "no thanks, she's not that ugly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgmhxa/i_was_buying_condoms_and_the_clerk_asked_me_if_i/
%
Why does Chris Brown still have a job?

Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgm7by/why_does_chris_brown_still_have_a_job/
%
A woman walks into a bar at the top floor of a building...

She sits down and orders a drink, she hears a drunk man at the end of the bar talking loud about his drink. So she asks him,
“what are you drinking?”
The man proclaims.
“This is the worlds greatest drink! It gives you powers!”
The woman thinking the man is crazy,  simply nods and rolls her eyes, the drunk man slurs.
“I’ll show you”
He then downs the drink and proceeds to run and jump from the window, he flys around for a bit and comes back to the bar. The woman stunned, quickly asks the bartender for the same drink. She downs it and runs for the window, jumps and falls to her death.
The bartender looks at the man and says
“Superman your an asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgm77e/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar_at_the_top_floor_of_a/
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What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgm56m/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
%
What do dyslexic zombies eat?

Briaaaaaans...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgm4vv/what_do_dyslexic_zombies_eat/
%
What does Sex in a Canoe and Bud Light have in common?

They are both fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgm4st/what_does_sex_in_a_canoe_and_bud_light_have_in/
%
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her as a kid?

*They left the plunger IN the toilet*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgm2ny/how_did_helen_kellers_parents_punish_her_as_a_kid/
%
Before going to bed a girl says:

“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.”
The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again:
“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.”
The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says:
“Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.”
When the dad gets home from work he says “Honey I have had the most insane day!”
The Mother says: “Me too! The postman died on the front yard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgm2aj/before_going_to_bed_a_girl_says/
%
A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.
The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.
"I will accept that ticket if you can explain the legal difference between stopping and slowing down to a crawl, officer."
"Sure," said the officer, "please step out of the car."
The lawyer stepped out of his car and the officer withdrew his baton and hit the lawyer repeatedly with it.
"Now," said the officer, "do you want me to stop or just slow down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgm1pa/a_police_officer_pulled_over_a_lawyer_who_had/
%
Why do women live longer than men?

Dishwashers last longer than lawnmowers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgly8y/why_do_women_live_longer_than_men/
%
Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."
She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soon, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here..."
She continues to try to get her babe to start feeding and finally in a stern tone tells the babe, "This is the last warning, you need to stop being fussy, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here..."
The man finally gets exasperated and  says, "Lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off the bus three stops back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bglwjt/man_gets_on_a_bus_and_sits_next_to_a_mother_with/
%
Is there a difference between a man who's had a vasectomy and one who hasn't?

Yes, a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgltej/is_there_a_difference_between_a_man_whos_had_a/
%
My wife sat down with half a pie before dinner.

Me: Are you really planning to eat pie before dinner?
Her: Its only half a pie.
Me: Its still irrational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bglt93/my_wife_sat_down_with_half_a_pie_before_dinner/
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I had to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me dizzy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bglsbh/i_had_to_turn_off_my_carbon_monoxide_alarm/
%
A japanese pilot was getting ready for war.

He approached his commander, and asked what will be loaded into his plane.
The commander said 'Your plane will be equipped with 20 missiles to fire at ground troops'.
The pilot replied 'That's a bit much. I don't think I'll need all 21 bombs'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgll1a/a_japanese_pilot_was_getting_ready_for_war/
%
An Anti-vaxxer Went to a Fortune Teller

She said to her “I want to see where my child is in 10 years.” The fortune teller then looked in her magic ball for a good while. She searched and searched but after some time she looked at the mother and said “What child?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bglerf/an_antivaxxer_went_to_a_fortune_teller/
%
What do you call a city of blacksmiths?

Anville.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bglbhj/what_do_you_call_a_city_of_blacksmiths/
%
Me: “Do you think it’s strange to talk to yourself?”

Me: “No.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgl8fo/me_do_you_think_its_strange_to_talk_to_yourself/
%
Why did the dolphin rider get arrested for hit and run?

Because he did it on porpoise.
( I know dolphins aren't porpoises)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgl88e/why_did_the_dolphin_rider_get_arrested_for_hit/
%
Why were Karen and her two year old son crying?

They were both having a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgkth8/why_were_karen_and_her_two_year_old_son_crying/
%
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy.

She walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgkocl/a_nice_calm_and_respectable_lady_went_into_the/
%
How do you circumcise a Catholic man?

Kick his priest in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgkobz/how_do_you_circumcise_a_catholic_man/
%
What do you call a bunny with a bent dick?

Fucks funny!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgkmoy/what_do_you_call_a_bunny_with_a_bent_dick/
%
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down & probably use some lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgkm6w/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
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Why was the unvaxxed 2-year-old sad?

He was facing a mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgkius/why_was_the_unvaxxed_2yearold_sad/
%
I asked an alcoholic friend why he never shut his curtains.

I asked an alcoholic friend why he never shut his curtains, turns out he loves natural light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgkaf0/i_asked_an_alcoholic_friend_why_he_never_shut_his/
%
Why does NASA only drink sprite?

Because they couldn't get 7Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgk9k4/why_does_nasa_only_drink_sprite/
%
Back in high school, I was really bad in science. (OC)

I even failed sexual chemistry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgk8cf/back_in_high_school_i_was_really_bad_in_science_oc/
%
X factor audition.

Boy:* Enters crying *
Judges: Guys we have a winner for this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgk857/x_factor_audition/
%
Dave and John

\*Dave and John were walking in the forest when John was bitten by a snake at his penis.\*
John (in extreme pain): Hurry up Dave. Call the doctor!
\*Dave calls the doctor..\*
Dave: Hello doc, we have an emergency, my friend John was bitten by a snake, what should I do?
Doctor: You need to suck the part where the snake bite is, to get the venom out!
\*Dave stares at John for a while\*
John : What did the doctor say?
Dave: You're gonna die soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgk7w2/dave_and_john/
%
Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.
"I was a carpenter", the man replies.
"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.
"I had a son. He was attached to a wooden cross with holes in his feet and hands. Then he became alive."
Jesus starts tearing up, and asks with a somewhat broken voice, "Dad?"
The man looks up in surprise and responds. "Pinocchio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgk7si/saint_peter_decides_to_take_a_day_off_work_and/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It’s fine, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgk5j6/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
%
What does a gymnast put on popcorn?

Somersault

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgk5e5/what_does_a_gymnast_put_on_popcorn/
%
What does the cannibal get when he’s late for dinner

The cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgk4k9/what_does_the_cannibal_get_when_hes_late_for/
%
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.

You have died from dissin' Terry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgk35l/youre_traveling_the_oregon_trail_and_you_meet_a/
%
While visiting Beethoven's grave, this Deaf person learned from the other Hearings that there is symphony playing backward from below the grave because Beethoven is..

De-composing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgjzpd/while_visiting_beethovens_grave_this_deaf_person/
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What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

Envelope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgjniv/what_starts_with_e_ends_with_e_and_has_only_1/
%
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out insted of killing it

He turned out to be a cool dude. He wants to be a web developer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgjn68/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
%
What do you call a person without a body or a nose?

Nobody knows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgjkd8/what_do_you_call_a_person_without_a_body_or_a_nose/
%
The Lion

There's a zebra, a warthog and an impala and they drinking at the water hole when a pride of lions appears out of the bushes and surrounds them.
The biggest lion says "Okay you three are going to each tell me a joke and if I don't laugh I'm going to kill you."
So the zebra goes first.  He tells the lion the funniest joke he knows.  The lion doesn't laugh instead he jumps up and rips the zebra's throat out.
The warthog tells his joke.  Again the lion doesn't laugh and the lion kills the warthog.
The impala is really worried because he only knows one joke and it's not even funny.  So anyway he goes to try his luck.  So the impala starts to speak and the lion bursts out laughing.  The lion is rolling on the floor banging his paw on the ground and the tears are coming out of his lion eyes.
The impala says "I didn't tell my joke yet."
The lion says "I know I just caught the joke the zebra told."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgjheq/the_lion/
%
During the days of the Soviet Union...

...a fellow in Moscow decided he wanted a car.  During those times, items deemed to be luxuries were scarce, and there was a long wait for them.  So he saved up for it over a period of years.  When he finally had enough money for the car, he went to the dealer and paid the money.
The dealer said, "Congratulations.  Come back 8 years from today and you can get your car."
The man asked, "When should I come back?  In the morning or the afternoon?"
The dealer was puzzled.  "After 8 years, what difference does it make when you come in?"
The man said, "Because the plumber is coming in the morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgjh5w/during_the_days_of_the_soviet_union/
%
I wasn't allowed to speak at a university conference about jump mechanics in video games..

..due to no platforming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgjgiw/i_wasnt_allowed_to_speak_at_a_university/
%
[NSFW] Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgjb3d/nsfw_why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
One of my favorite memories from high school was being an underclassmen and beating up seniors...

I really miss those summers volunteering at the old folks home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgj9w4/one_of_my_favorite_memories_from_high_school_was/
%
Me: Have you seen the movie constipation?

Friend: no I haven’t, what’s it like?
Me: dunno, it hasn’t come out yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgj3au/me_have_you_seen_the_movie_constipation/
%
A farmer is out in his field...

A farmer is out in his field planting seeds. Once he finishes, he makes arrangements to sell the farm and purchase some nearby land.
The other people in his small town are puzzled by this, but they brush it off as some eccentric behavior.
After purchasing the new land, the farmer repeats the process. He plants the seeds, and then puts the land up for sale.
Now people are really confused, so one of his friends approaches him to get some answers.
"I don't get it. Why do you just plant the seeds and then leave?" the friend asks.
"Well that's very simple," the farmer replies.
"I'm a sower, not a grower."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgj0hs/a_farmer_is_out_in_his_field/
%
What do you call a former stripper turned mathematician?

The thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgizhn/what_do_you_call_a_former_stripper_turned/
%
I don't like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.

It's almost up to 5 TB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgizdo/i_dont_like_to_brag_but_i_have_a_huge_sex_drive/
%
What did the lawyer wear to court

Lawsuit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgiu3y/what_did_the_lawyer_wear_to_court/
%
Making a list of all the good and bad things about Switzerland at work.

The flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgirlx/making_a_list_of_all_the_good_and_bad_things/
%
An airplane was about to crash

There were 4 passengers on board but only three parachutes. The first passenger said “I am Steph Curry , the best NBA player. The warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Donald trump, said, “I am the newly elected U.S. president, and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don’t want me to die, so he took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy,  “my son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.” The little boy said, “that’s okay, your holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest president took my schoolbag.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgiri4/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash/
%
Welcome to the harvest!

I am your reap host.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgipge/welcome_to_the_harvest/
%
I like my women like WTC7,

going down for no reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgicfu/i_like_my_women_like_wtc7/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got a headache after stealing wheat from my farm?

He got my grain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgiagb/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_a_headache/
%
How do you get a computer drunk?

A screenshot of Tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgi9au/how_do_you_get_a_computer_drunk/
%
What do women have in the middle of their legs?

The knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgi5yv/what_do_women_have_in_the_middle_of_their_legs/
%
I only sleep with antivaxers

3 years of child support is way better than 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bghzty/i_only_sleep_with_antivaxers/
%
This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this apple up your ass, if you scream, we will eat you”. American starts screaming while they’re shoving the apple into his ass. Cannibals eat American, but then Czech returns with orange. They do the same, but Czech guy starts laughing instead of screaming. Cannibals ask him ,, why are you laughing, are you gay”?
Czech replies: ,,No, but I can’t help myself from laughing when I see that russian guy is carrying a watermelon”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bghkb0/this_is_classic_czech_joke_i_hope_i_transladed_it/
%
Why doesn't Mexico have a Olympic team?

Because everybody that can run, jump, and swim are already in the U.S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bghj44/why_doesnt_mexico_have_a_olympic_team/
%
Where did the Australian go To die?

Not sure, but I know where they went yesterdai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bghfkl/where_did_the_australian_go_to_die/
%
Which part of your body will die last?

Pupils, because they dilate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bghbuh/which_part_of_your_body_will_die_last/
%
Why are there never black dwarves in fantasy films?

Because Kevin Hart keeps suing the production companies for using his likeness without his approval.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgh680/why_are_there_never_black_dwarves_in_fantasy_films/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money...

He asks the bartender what that's all about. The bartender replies, "20 bucks and you're in. The first person to chug this entire bottle of vodka and eat the worm at the bottom, then in the back there's a mean rottweiler with a sore tooth you gotta pull it's tooth. After that there's a 90 year old woman upstairs that's never had an orgasm, you gotta bang her until you give her one."
The guy responds no way he's doing all that no matter how much money is in there. But after fifteen minutes he finds his courage in a bottle and drops a 20 in the jar and says, "Where's the tequila?!" He drinks the whole thing and chews up the worm.
He says, "Where's that stupid rottweiler?" The bartender points to the back room where the guy disappears to and slams the door. They hear a racket and the dog howling and howling, finally the guy busts back out of the door and says, "Where's that old lady with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgh1ub/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_jar_of_money/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong pair of socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgh0oo/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
Why was 10 dead?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgh0io/why_was_10_dead/
%
I don't mean to sugarcoat

But I got you Frosted Flakes instead of regular corn flakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bggz78/i_dont_mean_to_sugarcoat/
%
I got Donald Trump's autograph yesterday.

He signed my Deportation Notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bggwhx/i_got_donald_trumps_autograph_yesterday/
%
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bggret/what_do_you_call_a_fat_girl_with_a_rape_whistle/
%
["Hip", "Hip"]

Hip Hip Array

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgglv1/hip_hip/
%
There was a woman sitting in the park

She was looking around and noticed these two guys with shovels. They would go to one spot, and one would dig a hole. Then the second one would fill it back in. Then they’d go to another spot, and the first guy would dig a hole and the second guy would fill it back up.
This went on for a while, until they finally got over to her. The lady said, “Excuse me, but I just have to ask. Why are you digging a hole and then filling it back up?”
One of the guys said, “Well, you see, there’s normally a third guy here, and he’ll put a tree in the hole, but he’s out sick today.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgglbg/there_was_a_woman_sitting_in_the_park/
%
The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.

He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.
"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.
"No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bggj81/the_priest_of_a_small_village_was_very_fond_of/
%
My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of describing my feelings.

Can’t say that I’m surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bggi04/my_therapist_just_told_me_that_im_completely/
%
It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:
“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”
The man looked at Saint Peter and said
“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed! I looked all over the apartment but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.”
Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in.
Another man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died.
“Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!”
Saint Peter chuckled again,  let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates.
Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him:
“Tell me about the day you died”
“Oh man Saint Peter you’re never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this...I’m butt naked hiding in a refrigerator...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bggdbn/it_was_getting_crowded_in_heaven_one_day_so_saint/
%
I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgga8r/i_would_never_vaccinate_my_kids_that_is_unnatural/
%
Why did the mansplainer drown in the puddle?

It was a well, actually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgg4dc/why_did_the_mansplainer_drown_in_the_puddle/
%
Parents come for their son to tell him a secret.

Parents: "You are adopted."
Son: "What?? Who are my real parents??"
Parents: "Oh, we are, but your new ones are waiting outside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgg39v/parents_come_for_their_son_to_tell_him_a_secret/
%
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...

Once upon a time there was this lobster...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgg1cy/stopped_by_a_roadside_stand_that_said_lobster/
%
I never knew my mechanic was a psychic

Until he loudly announced that I had blown the tranny in my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfup5/i_never_knew_my_mechanic_was_a_psychic/
%
Why don’t witches wear undies?

To get a better grip on their brooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgftw8/why_dont_witches_wear_undies/
%
I was feeling really depressed at school and thought I should try hanging myself in the corridor.

I ended up suspended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfs6s/i_was_feeling_really_depressed_at_school_and/
%
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.

His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?”
“Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s silence, and then a gunshot.
The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfs65/two_hunters_are_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
EARTH DAY JOKES

Why does earth day enjoy Reddit jokes?
They're all recycled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfrp9/earth_day_jokes/
%
One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".
Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years old. If we don't ride that helicopter, we might never get another chance."
Grandma replied, "Kids that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
The kids and Grandma agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to the boys and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
The oldest grand child replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Grandma fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfqyy/one_day_2_kids_were_walking_in_the_park_with/
%
Why did Adele cross the road?

To say "Hello" from the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfqce/why_did_adele_cross_the_road/
%
Last night, I tried one of those old tricks where you light your farts on fire.

I couldn't find a lighter, so I used a candle...
Completely ruined my kid's birthday cake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfq3o/last_night_i_tried_one_of_those_old_tricks_where/
%
How to be a good hiring manager ?

First thing you want to do is take the pile of applications and throw half of them in the bin. You don't want any unlucky people working in your office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfpwp/how_to_be_a_good_hiring_manager/
%
While watching a movie in the theater, a man can’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him.

Unable to bear it any longer, he taps one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he says, “I can’t hear.”
“I should hope not,” one woman replies sharply. “This is a private conversation.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfobq/while_watching_a_movie_in_the_theater_a_man_cant/
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

you need a parachute if you plan to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfo1g/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting.

He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech. When the CEO returns from the convention, he is furious at the press officer.
“Are you trying to kill my career?” the CEO barks. “I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech. People were standing up and walking out.”
“No,” says the press officer, “I gave you exactly what you requested—a twenty-minute speech and two extra copies.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfmcp/the_ceo_of_a_major_corporation_is_asked_to_give/
%
"Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?" [long]

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfknl/fred_howd_that_pig_get_him_a_wooden_leg_long/
%
How do mansplainers sleep at night?

Well, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfjxw/how_do_mansplainers_sleep_at_night/
%
If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfdg8/if_britain_leaves_the_eu_how_much_space_will_be/
%
Did you hear about the Orthodox lawyer?

He's available to help his clients 24/6

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgfdb6/did_you_hear_about_the_orthodox_lawyer/
%
Why did the walrus become a plumber?

Cause he loves a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgf77x/why_did_the_walrus_become_a_plumber/
%
Camouflage clothing is so ugly...

It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgf5gd/camouflage_clothing_is_so_ugly/
%
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgf4or/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
%
What does DNA stand for?

The National Dyslexics Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgf47n/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
What's difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgf16t/whats_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
What's the best part of fucking your cousin?

You get to make your sister jealous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgetjs/whats_the_best_part_of_fucking_your_cousin/
%
Elon Musk needs to start a new company,

Elon Must.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgethk/elon_musk_needs_to_start_a_new_company/
%
I’m not really good at jokes

Yo mama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgerxn/im_not_really_good_at_jokes/
%
Wanna hear a joke about paper?

Nevermind it's tearable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgeo7c/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_paper/
%
Life at a snail’s pace

One day Ronald answered a knick at his door. He opened to find a snail. Disgusted, he flicked it off the stoop.
Three weeks later, there’s another knock at his door.
He opens to find the same snail.
“What’d you do that for??!!” the snail yells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgenwx/life_at_a_snails_pace/
%
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgennh/what_do_you_call_a_kid_who_doesnt_believe_in_santa/
%
A professor is giving a talk about sex..

Addressing the crowd, he stands up.
"It gives me great pleasure..."
Then he sits down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgemi4/a_professor_is_giving_a_talk_about_sex/
%
Whats the difference between a nun praying and a nun in the bath?

One has hope in her soul... the other has soap in her hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgekmw/whats_the_difference_between_a_nun_praying_and_a/
%
Whatever You do Always Give 100 %

Unless You're Donating Blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgeg6s/whatever_you_do_always_give_100/
%
What did the cross dresser do at Christmas?

Eat, drink and be Mary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgefk2/what_did_the_cross_dresser_do_at_christmas/
%
I don't know why sex with customers is such a big deal

Well, anyway, I lost my job at the cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgefbr/i_dont_know_why_sex_with_customers_is_such_a_big/
%
A drunkard walking down the street

The poor fellow hits his head on every street light there is to hit on the sidewalk. A policeman doing his beat sees the man hitting another post exceptionally hard and fall to the ground. He walks to the man, helps him to his feet and asks:
- Sir, are you okay? Do you need any assistance?
- Good evening, officer! Would you mind doing me the favor of counting the bumps on my forehead?
- 14, Sir, as good as I can count... but would you like me to help you get to your home? You seem a bit... troubled.
- You said 14 bumps on my forehead?
- Yes, Sir.
- Great! I'm just 8 posts away from my house!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bge9v8/a_drunkard_walking_down_the_street/
%
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?

Because they have no body to go with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bge5qc/why_dont_skeletons_ever_go_trick_or_treating/
%
A blind man walked into a bar

Also into a chair, into a table...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bge18i/a_blind_man_walked_into_a_bar/
%
An American , a British and an Indian are travelling in a ship

The American, to surprise the other two , throws thousand dollars into water and says, "We have a lot of money in our country"
The British, enraged, throws his expensive limited edition watch into the water and says, "We have a lot of these  in our country"
The Indian, confused, throws both of them into the water and says, "We have a lot of people in our country"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bge0um/an_american_a_british_and_an_indian_are/
%
I had to tell my neighbour this morning i hit her cat

She asked " is it bad"
I said "well, it broke my cricket bat in half"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgdy4v/i_had_to_tell_my_neighbour_this_morning_i_hit_her/
%
What do Nazi pilots eat for breakfast?

Luftwaffles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgdm47/what_do_nazi_pilots_eat_for_breakfast/
%
Stopped by a roadside stand that said “lobster tails 2$”. I paid my 2$ and he said...

Unce upon a time there was a lobster...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgdju1/stopped_by_a_roadside_stand_that_said_lobster/
%
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for

He said 'Genius'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgdia0/donald_trump_was_asked_what_the_j_in_donald_j/
%
What do your d*** and the GoT CGI budget have in common?

... they both could've been bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgdgb1/what_do_your_d_and_the_got_cgi_budget_have_in/
%
I am no 18 year old virgin anymore!

Now I'm a 18 year old rape victim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgdao2/i_am_no_18_year_old_virgin_anymore/
%
My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers.

I didn’t even know she sold them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgda3y/my_girlfriend_was_complaining_that_i_never_buy/
%
Two jungle explorers get captured by a nomadic tribe...

The chieftain of the tribes walks up to the first man and asks “Death or mokoko?”
The first man decides that whatever this mokoko thing is, can’t be worse than death. “Mokoko!” he declares.
Out of nowhere the entire village rapes the man...
The chieftain walks up to the second man and, once again, asks “Death or mokoko?”
The man says “I’d rather die with honor, I choose death.”
The chieftain smiles. “DEATH BY MOKOKO!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgd9lu/two_jungle_explorers_get_captured_by_a_nomadic/
%
I'll never forget 9/11.

0.818181...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgd6sz/ill_never_forget_911/
%
Life is like golf

The fewer strokes you have, the better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgd6az/life_is_like_golf/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7

Because 7 ate 9.
Why was 10 dead.
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgd5jw/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
What do you call it when a black guy steals from his wealthy neighbors?

Robbin' Hood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgd44g/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_black_guy_steals_from/
%
A Russian and a Jew (long joke)

On a train to Moscow, a Jew and a Russian army captain were sharing a compartment, the Russian was little bigot and have stereotype towards Jews, so he asked the Jew, "Hey Jew how come you all are so smart" The Jew was eating herring so he kept quite and didn't reply, so the Russian keep on asking him, at last the Jew became fed up and told the Russian "We Jews are smart because we eat herring" than the Russian asked the Jew to sell him few herrings, "sure" said the Jew, "1 Herring will cost you 10 ruble" the Russian became very exited and bought 5 herring" After few minutes  the Russian shouted "Son of a bitch Jew, I can buy 5 herring for 5 rubles in Moscow" than the Jew said " See it started working"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgd22b/a_russian_and_a_jew_long_joke/
%
Back in school, I took an apple tart to Detroit, Flint, and St Louis

My teacher had asked me to take pi to three dismal places

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgd0ti/back_in_school_i_took_an_apple_tart_to_detroit/
%
A man is walking at night in Belfast in the 70's...

He's nervous, but his hotel is only a few blocks away.
Unfortunately, as he passes a dark alley, he's grabbed. He feels a knife at his throat, and a voice asks
"Catholic or Protestant?"
Sweating cold sweat, his mind is racing. If he says "Catholic" and the attacker is Protestant, he's finished. Likewise, if he says "Protestant" and the attacker is Catholic.
He stutters and stammers, and finally comes up with a brilliant idea.
"I'm a Jew!" he says, sighing with relief.
The voice of his attacker replies, "Aye, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgd0hv/a_man_is_walking_at_night_in_belfast_in_the_70s/
%
How do you change shit to shinola?

Vowel movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgczyj/how_do_you_change_shit_to_shinola/
%
What is Relative Humidity?

The sweat on your balls when you screw your cousin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgcw0i/what_is_relative_humidity/
%
Children are like pancakes.

The first one is always a bit weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgcubd/children_are_like_pancakes/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgcrn8/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
%
What happened to the guy who got a boombox launched at his face?

He faced the music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgcpbi/what_happened_to_the_guy_who_got_a_boombox/
%
Doctor: "Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation"

Patient: "but doc my name's not Dave!"
Doctor: "I know, it's my name"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgcp19/doctor_dont_worry_dave_its_just_a_small_operation/
%
What's the difference between a musician & a park bench?

A park bench can support a family of 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgckwr/whats_the_difference_between_a_musician_a_park/
%
My Friend tried to survive just by using candles

Suffice to say, it wasnt really a bright idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgcj1i/my_friend_tried_to_survive_just_by_using_candles/
%
Did you hear about the guy that fell into the big hole in the ground with water at the bootom?

He couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgcich/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_fell_into_the_big/
%
I dont know why dad jokes get a bad rap, women love dad jokes.

Otherwise they'd call them bachelor jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgci61/i_dont_know_why_dad_jokes_get_a_bad_rap_women/
%
Stevie Wonder wasn’t just a great musician.

He was outa sight!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgcayk/stevie_wonder_wasnt_just_a_great_musician/
%
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered “six” offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgc901/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
What did the librarian say to the child?

**Read More**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgc43x/what_did_the_librarian_say_to_the_child/
%
Jokes on Reddit are like a paper bag

They're 100% recycled material.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgc15n/jokes_on_reddit_are_like_a_paper_bag/
%
My 17-year-old daughter and I made up a joke today! Q: Who is the bread God’s arch-enemy?

A: The Anticrust!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgc0rr/my_17yearold_daughter_and_i_made_up_a_joke_today/
%
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After  all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they  had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. They brought them in  and starting running exams on their skills. They passed all with flying  colors. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a  large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We  must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the  circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a  chair... we need you to kill her.'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The  second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went  into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with  tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally,  the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took  the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some joker loaded the gun with blanks,' he panted. 'I had to do it the hard way.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgbzrr/the_fbi_had_an_open_position_for_an_assassin/
%
90 year old George went for his annual physical examination.

All of his tests came back with  normal results. Dr. Darns said, "George, everything looks great  physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace  with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George  replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's  fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the  bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the  light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Darnes, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Darnes called George's wife. "Thelma,"  he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call  because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he  gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom,  and then (poof!) the light goes off?"  Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgbyq0/90_year_old_george_went_for_his_annual_physical/
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A man in a wheel chair stole my camouflage jacket

I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgbyga/a_man_in_a_wheel_chair_stole_my_camouflage_jacket/
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What was the tiny golf course measured in?

Par secs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgbwbt/what_was_the_tiny_golf_course_measured_in/
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What do you say when you find out Earth isn’t flat?

That’s a relief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgbkxv/what_do_you_say_when_you_find_out_earth_isnt_flat/
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So little Johnny is sitting in class one day.

The teacher asks,
“I want everyone here to go home and come up with a story that has a moral.”
So the next day the teacher calls on lil Susie. The teacher says,
“What is your story Susie?”
She replies,
“You have 12 eggs and only 4 of them become chicks.”
The teacher asks,
“Ok, so what’s the moral.” Lil Susie replies,
“Don’t count your chicks until all the eggs hatch.”
The teacher says,
“Very good Susie.”
The teacher then calls on lil Johnny and asks his what his story is. Lil Johnny replies,
“My uncle Jerry was a pilot in World War II . When flying, he got shot down, right before he jumped out of the plane he grabbed a case of beer, and mini gun and a machete. While in the air he drank the entire case of beer. He survived the landing and ended up crashing in a field of 100 German soldiers. He killed 70 of them with his machine gun, 20 of them with his machete and 10 of them with his hands.”
The teacher terrifies replies,
“What’s the moral?”
And lil Johnny replies,
“DONT FUCK WITH MY UNCLE JERRY WHEN HES DRUNK.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgbb4o/so_little_johnny_is_sitting_in_class_one_day/
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Illegal immigrants in America

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgb59w/illegal_immigrants_in_america/
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Why can’t Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he is married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgb4p7/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
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A surgeon fails an eye surgery

No one bats an eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgb4dc/a_surgeon_fails_an_eye_surgery/
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We were about to observe our first autopsy in medical school, and my friend asked me, “What do you think it’ll be like?”

I said, “Remains to be seen.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgb0n5/we_were_about_to_observe_our_first_autopsy_in/
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In my last relationship I hated being treated like I was a piece of meat.

She was vegan, and refused to touch me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgaxom/in_my_last_relationship_i_hated_being_treated/
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I told my Dad most people spend more time pooping than exercising.

He said "I know, pooping takes a lot out of me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgatsx/i_told_my_dad_most_people_spend_more_time_pooping/
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A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgatn7/a_man_came_home_to_find_his_house_burned_down/
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It took a while to accept that I was both gay and dyslexic

I was in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgamxe/it_took_a_while_to_accept_that_i_was_both_gay_and/
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What's the difference between the law of conservation of matter and the law of conservation of energy?

The law of conservation of energy matters less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgahhe/whats_the_difference_between_the_law_of/
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If you missed celebrating 4/20 Saturday, today is the only day to make up for it.

Because it's 4/22.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgafde/if_you_missed_celebrating_420_saturday_today_is/
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What do you get when you cross human DNA with goat DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgaef4/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_human_dna_with/
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I named my eraser Confidence....

It gets smaller with every mistake I make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bgaa7r/i_named_my_eraser_confidence/
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A man stumbles out of a bar just before closing time.

An officer was already outside, waiting for drink-drivers. She watches as the man nearly trips down the stairs outside the bar, stagger over to his car, and fumble in his pocket for his keys.
Looks like I've got one, the officer thinks to herself.
15 minutes later, closing time finally comes, and the rest of the bar's patrons start to leave. The man is still fumbling in his pocket for his keys, staggering to and fro, drunkenly tripping over his own feet.
And the officer is still watching him like a hawk.
The bar's patrons leave in their own cars as the man finally finds his keys. He unlocks the car, slowly opens the driver's seat door, and falls onto the seat. He then rights himself, puts the key in the ignition and starts the car.
Immediately the officer blares her car's siren, and the man stops his car. The cop walks over to the driver's window, and the man rolls down the window.
"What sheems to be the prolbem, ociffer?" Says the man, slurredly
"How much have you had to drink tonight, sir?" The officer replied"
"What? I havesn't had none to *hic* drink"
The officer retrieved a breathalyzer from her belt
"Blow into this tube until I say 'stop'."
And so he did
"Stop."
Upon reading the breatho, the officer was astounded. It came up all 0s. Not a trace of alcohol in his system.
"How... how is this possible?" The officer replied, slightly taken aback.
"Easy," replied the man, "I'm the designated decoy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bga9vp/a_man_stumbles_out_of_a_bar_just_before_closing/
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A guy brings his girlfriend home

Mother: I think you can find someone better
Guy: Mom, but I love her and she's the one
Mother: I am not talking to you, I am talking to the girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bga87o/a_guy_brings_his_girlfriend_home/
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Nazi Mining Officer visits Hitler

Nazi Officer: Mein Fuhrer, we are mining too many useless ores.
Hitler: So, mine less
Grammar Nazis from the side: *Mine Fewer
Hitler looks to the side, Yes ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bga3n7/nazi_mining_officer_visits_hitler/
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A murder-for-hire occurred in a rice field using small china ornaments as the weapon

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg9xqo/a_murderforhire_occurred_in_a_rice_field_using/
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A calendar goes to the doctor and asks him to give it to him straight...

“Okay. You’ve got 12 months.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg9xf1/a_calendar_goes_to_the_doctor_and_asks_him_to/
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My friend gave me a epipen when he dying

It must really mean alot to him that i have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg9t7d/my_friend_gave_me_a_epipen_when_he_dying/
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A manager was telling his Spanish waiter to put the cutlery on the trays. The waiter didn’t understand so the manager, becoming frustrated said “ON THOSE TRAYS”

The waiter replied “no no no it’s uno dos tres”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg9t2f/a_manager_was_telling_his_spanish_waiter_to_put/
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The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.
"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.
"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let heaven have your soul.  But!  If you so much as chuckle while climbing it, I'll remove your manhood based on your father's profession.
The three men scratched their heads, thinking it quite odd, but agreed.
The first man started to climb.  After what seemed like days, he finally started to approach the top, and he became so excited he started laughing with joy.
The devil brings him back down and exclaims, "Well!  Having a laugh are we?  Let's just see what daddy's line of work was."
He proceeds to search through a large tome and finds that the man's father was a barber, so he produces a razor and slices his penis off.
"Next!" he exclaims.
The second man goes up the ladder.  When he was halfway to the top, he looks down at the first man, writhing in pain, and couldn't help but laugh at his misfortune.  The devil brings him down immediately.
"You won't be laughing soon!" says the devil, thumbing through the old book and learning his father was a mobster.  He then produces a Tommy gun and shoots off his member.
The third man was up, but started laughing before even starting to climb.
"What's so funny?" asked the devil.
The third man answers, "My dad sold popsicles, now you have to blow me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg9puq/the_devil_was_feeling_generous_one_day/
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As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg9pmu/as_a_kid_i_always_thought_a_snail_would_move/
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A blonde walks into a bar

Asks for a car wash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg9ich/a_blonde_walks_into_a_bar/
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A mom and dad read their son’s browsing history

On it, they find that the son had been watching porn featuring mentally handicapped people.
The mom says “This is disgusting, I don’t even know what you would call this.”
The dad says “Yeah, it’s just fucking stupid.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg9git/a_mom_and_dad_read_their_sons_browsing_history/
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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?
Boy: Pockets.
Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: OH MY GOD.
Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!
Madam: What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?
Boy: A seatbelt.
Principal: Aaaah!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg9f5o/a_female_class_teacher_was_having_a_problem_with/
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I have a good feeling about my job interview today.

The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.
“You’ve found your man,” I said, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said I was responsible!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg9exz/i_have_a_good_feeling_about_my_job_interview_today/
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Lead + Alchemy.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg9c2t/lead_alchemy/
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What’s the difference between a Lunchable and a prison meal?

One of them is usually eaten in a big crowded room where you might get shot or stabbed.  The other one is for convicted criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg9ayv/whats_the_difference_between_a_lunchable_and_a/
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Last night I partied like Anakin Skywalker.

I killed a dozen Yuengling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg9adh/last_night_i_partied_like_anakin_skywalker/
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I took out a loan for an exorcism.

If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg932q/i_took_out_a_loan_for_an_exorcism/
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What kind of Topography should you read when your stress levels are raised?

Relief maps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg8wpx/what_kind_of_topography_should_you_read_when_your/
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What do you call it when you sneeze with a dip (tobacco) in?

An ah chew.
Came up with that myself hope you enjoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg8w3c/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_sneeze_with_a_dip/
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What did the journalist say when the news broke of the gooseberries cheating on each other?

This is a sad state of currant affairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg8ugm/what_did_the_journalist_say_when_the_news_broke/
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Will a woman ever be the president of Russia?

No, because Putin is not a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg8tmo/will_a_woman_ever_be_the_president_of_russia/
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I recently read in the news that bad drivers were going to get on the spot $100 fines

That's a bit sexist, isn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg8tjz/i_recently_read_in_the_news_that_bad_drivers_were/
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What did the one nut say while chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg8tid/what_did_the_one_nut_say_while_chasing_the_other/
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What does an Anti-Vax kid and a Vegan Cat have in common

They're both doomed to die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg8rv5/what_does_an_antivax_kid_and_a_vegan_cat_have_in/
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I set my Alzheimer's-patient grandmother's home page to r/jokes

She loves reading the fresh new jokes every day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg8o3m/i_set_my_alzheimerspatient_grandmothers_home_page/
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#NSFW #Religion - A porn actor walks into a hair salon

He is seated behind a nun. And struck with her beauty, he tells her:
"I wanna have sex with you."
She turns her head and looks at him with disgust.
"I'm a nun. I can't do those things."
Irritated, she stands and leaves the hair salon.
The barber comes to him and says:
"I know how you can have sex with that nun."
The porn actor, intrested asks about the details and the barber says:
"Every tuesday at midnight, she prays at the cementery. If you wear a robe and paint yourself in white, she'll think you're God and she'll do whatever you say."
On tuesday, he does as he was adviced and goes into the cementery in the middle of the night, wearing his robes and painted white.
And there he finds her. Praying knelt down between some trees.
He jumps out of a bush and says:
"My child, I'll answer your prayers, but first you'll have to make love to me!"
"Your highness! Okay but from behind because I wanna keep my virginity."
The porn actor went about his business with her, and after twenty minutes in, he confesses:
"I'm actually the porn actor from the hair salon, haha."
"And I'm actually the barber, haha."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg8jpj/nsfw_religion_a_porn_actor_walks_into_a_hair_salon/
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There are two types of people:

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg8hpa/there_are_two_types_of_people/
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Why is Sunday afraid of Easter?

Because Easter falls on Sunday!
Courtesy of my eight year old daughter! Is this a joke anyone’s heard? She says she invented it but man... that’s very clever. I’m a proud papa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg8hmy/why_is_sunday_afraid_of_easter/
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A lawyer, a priest and a schoolboy were sitting side by side on a plane.

Suddenly, they watched as one by one, the engines stopped working as the ash from the volcano they flew over clogged them.
The pilot announced sadly, “There’s not a damn thing we can do. We’re going to crash. Thank you for flying with us.”
While everyone was panicking, the three went to the back of the plane and found two parachutes.
The lawyer said, “I’m the best educated man in the world, so I should have a parachute.” He took the first parachute and jumped.
The priest looked over the boy and reflected on his life. He said “Kid, you take the last parachute. With any luck, I’ll see our lord and saviour Jesus Christ soon.”
The kid said “No, you take the second parachute. The best educated man in the world just jumped out with my school bag.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg8guc/a_lawyer_a_priest_and_a_schoolboy_were_sitting/
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The Ultimate Guide to Falling Down the Stairs

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 6
Step 11
Step 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg89t7/the_ultimate_guide_to_falling_down_the_stairs/
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What's the difference between r/jokes and my wife?

My wife quit sucking years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg7ziu/whats_the_difference_between_rjokes_and_my_wife/
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My wife has a nickname for my penis...

She calls it “Put that thing away”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg7y32/my_wife_has_a_nickname_for_my_penis/
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A cowboy walks into a bar

He heads to the bartender and asks for a shot of whiskey. While the bartender serves his shot, he finds the cowboy's dick on the counter. The cowboy proceeds to the drink his shot and says:
'The name's Bill, Big Bill' and then leaves.
Another cowboy enters the bar. Heads to the bartender, asks for a shot of whiskey, but the bartender is surprised to see a way bigger dick on his counter. The cowboy drinks his shot and says:
'The Name's Bill, Hung Shlong Bill' and then Leaves.
A third cowboy enters the bar. Heads to the bartender and asks for a shot of whiskey. This time the bartender is shocked find 2 dicks and 2 pair of balls on the counter. The cowboy drinks his shot and says:
'The Name's Bill, ChernoBill' and then leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg7sgt/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
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I have joke about EA

But you need to pay 5 bucks to see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg7k6o/i_have_joke_about_ea/
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Ladies, do you want longer and thicker lashes?

Try showing some ankle in Saudi Arabia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg7giy/ladies_do_you_want_longer_and_thicker_lashes/
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What do you get when you mix human DNA with animal DNA?

Kicked out of the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg7erm/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_human_dna_with/
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Why can’t the sailors play cards?

They were standing on the deck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg7dq0/why_cant_the_sailors_play_cards/
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What does a transgender and a new animal species have in common?

You don’t know what to call it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg7d8c/what_does_a_transgender_and_a_new_animal_species/
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How is a Catholic 6-year old different from a vegan cat?

While we all know who's making that
decision, at least one of the two won't have meat forced into their mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg7bfh/how_is_a_catholic_6year_old_different_from_a/
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A 13 boy year old spent the previous 10 years of his life living with wolves

He is found, and released back into the human world. He sees wonders he never saw before. He is asking about how cars work, how you're not supposed to eat raw meat, how radio works, the constellations, until one day, he walks in on the couple designated to reintroduce him to human society getting busy. The male caretaker asks "I suppose you want to know what this is?" The boy replies "No. I used to do that with the wolves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg73gc/a_13_boy_year_old_spent_the_previous_10_years_of/
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A man gets three wishes from a genie on the condition that his wire gets twice as much as he wishes

Fist he wishes for a Lamborghini, he gets a Lamborghini and his wife gets two Lamborghinis
Then he wishes for a million dollars, his wife gets two million dollars
Then he says “beat me until I am half dead” and the genie proceeded to beat him so that he was half dead, and then the genie killed the mans wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg6wx6/a_man_gets_three_wishes_from_a_genie_on_the/
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People think queue is just a q followed by 4 silent letters.

But in reality they're just waiting their turn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg6wvq/people_think_queue_is_just_a_q_followed_by_4/
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A buzzfeed writer and a terrorist walked into a bar

What happened next will blow your mind!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg6mrg/a_buzzfeed_writer_and_a_terrorist_walked_into_a/
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I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger in the checkout line where he got his eggs

He responded “Aisle B, back”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg6kbe/i_asked_arnold_schwarzenegger_in_the_checkout/
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Some kid told me "Your Mom Gay".

He better watch out both of my dads are in the army.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg6f5s/some_kid_told_me_your_mom_gay/
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found out that for every grass that dies, another is born and for every pebble lost, a new one is created. There’s no change in the world and the true change comes from within.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg6e6u/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.  If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you!
The husband replied, "I am on the toilet.  Please advise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg6d1f/a_wife_being_the_romantic_sort_sent_her_husband_a/
%
"I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish."

"What is my wish?" you ask?
"That somebody would give me two million dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg6cht/i_will_give_one_million_dollars_to_the_person_who/
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Little Johnny

One day in a school room:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm,  and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and  I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg67vu/little_johnny/
%
What did the plumber say when his repeated attempts to solder a pipe didn't work?

Weird flux but ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg63ih/what_did_the_plumber_say_when_his_repeated/
%
Pippen: "Treebeard, you're covered in moss, do you like it?"

Treebeard: "Well, it kind of grows on you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg619q/pippen_treebeard_youre_covered_in_moss_do_you/
%
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?

They both barely cover the asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg5wpx/what_does_donald_trumps_hair_have_in_common_with/
%
An apple pie costs $7,95 in Jamaica,

In Cuba you will have to pay $9,90,
Whereas in Barbados you will only spend $4,50
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg5nez/an_apple_pie_costs_795_in_jamaica/
%
What’s Thanos’ favorite drink?

Snapple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg5l37/whats_thanos_favorite_drink/
%
Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From the well, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg5ewb/where_does_a_mansplainer_get_his_water/
%
We shouldn't make fun of fat people.

They already have enough on their plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg5d3y/we_shouldnt_make_fun_of_fat_people/
%
2 buzzfeed writers walked into a bar

What happened next will blow your minds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg56je/2_buzzfeed_writers_walked_into_a_bar/
%
What's Harry Potter's favourite way of getting down a hill?

Walking...
JK Rolling...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg5555/whats_harry_potters_favourite_way_of_getting_down/
%
The American Kennel Club has recognized new dog breeds.

* Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter.  Great for Christmas.
* Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer.  Smells like fresh mountain dog.
* Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador.  Won't stop barking.
* Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere.  A dog that's true til the end.
* Terrier + Bulldog = Terrible.  Not a very good dog.
* Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso.  Easy to transport.
* Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = Pekaso.  A rather abstract dog.
* Malamute + Pointer = Moot point.  Never mind.
* Bulldog + Shitzu = ... you can figure this one out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg51bd/the_american_kennel_club_has_recognized_new_dog/
%
Why do barnyard animals make for more reliable friends?

They’re stable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg4k4p/why_do_barnyard_animals_make_for_more_reliable/
%
A physics teacher writes a question on a board

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg4k1n/a_physics_teacher_writes_a_question_on_a_board/
%
Three birds were eating fermented seeds from cow manure in a fenced in barn area.

After eating their fill they noticed three barn cats lurking about. They decided they needed to get out of there. Feeling inebriated the first decided to get a boost by starting from a quarter way up a rake. It tries, and fumbles. Cat gets it!
The second one hoping for a better chance goes up half way on the rake. It to tumbles,and gets got. The final one goes all out and goes to the top. It too fails.
The moral of this joke?
Don't go flying off the handle when you're full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg4jk0/three_birds_were_eating_fermented_seeds_from_cow/
%
Why did the fish refuse to play basketball?

He was afraid of the net.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg4jcb/why_did_the_fish_refuse_to_play_basketball/
%
Did you hear about the Quasimodo look alike contest?

The police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg4fb4/did_you_hear_about_the_quasimodo_look_alike/
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When you have a PhD, every meeting you go to is...

A Doctor's appointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg4f1k/when_you_have_a_phd_every_meeting_you_go_to_is/
%
Hello there people who sort by new!

A young boy was digging a fairly large hole in his backyard when his neighbour saw him. The neighbour walked to the fence and asked,
Neighbour: Why are you digging a hole in your backyard?
The young boy: Im digging a hole to bury my dead goldfish.
Neighbour: Then why are you digging such a large hole?
The young boy: Because my dead goldfish is in your f*cking cat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg4b8m/hello_there_people_who_sort_by_new/
%
Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.
Then the little lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Mom, sometimes you really get on my nerves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg49m3/jesus_walks_up_to_a_crowd_of_people_getting_ready/
%
Dear Pampers,

Why do you feel the need to call them baby wipes?
Sincerely,
A sensitive asshole who is tired of your judgement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg48vt/dear_pampers/
%
Did you hear about the Jehovah’s Witness comedian?

He only tells knock-knock jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg48uh/did_you_hear_about_the_jehovahs_witness_comedian/
%
I just read that 4,213,257 people got married laat year.

I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg3zix/i_just_read_that_4213257_people_got_married_laat/
%
You know you're getting fat when

you say you're fat in front of your friends and nobody corrects you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg3wxp/you_know_youre_getting_fat_when/
%
The argument

So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue."
And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg3wmg/the_argument/
%
In Soviet Russia, there is no meiosis

There is only ourosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg3u0r/in_soviet_russia_there_is_no_meiosis/
%
Two white guys, stranded in a desert, with no food or water see a tall majestic building. The scorching sun sure isn’t making their journey easier.

The first guy recognises this structure and says “Hey Bill, this is a mosque!” - to which Bill replies, “John, you think they’ll be hospitable and give us food and shelter”
“I don’t know Bill, but we’re desperate and we need to find a way to survive”
“I have an idea - Let’s change our names to Muslim names so they can offer us help! My face ain’t so white anymore from all that sand! For today, I’m Mohamed”
Bill and John walk towards the mosque. They are greeted by an elderly man with a kind face and a gentle smile.
“Salam-Walaikum my friends, what brings you here?”
Bill quickly replies “We lost our way and we need help.”
“Of course! We are happy to help!” said the old man, “but first I must know your names”
John says “This is Mohamed, and I’m John”
They are welcomed by the old man and his many relatives. They are provided with a cold bath and a change of clothes.
Famished, Bill had been waiting for some hot food for a while now. He walked over to John’s room and noticed platters and platters of food.
He walks over to the old man and subtly says “wow John’s sure getting his mouth stuffed”.
The old man replies “not a problem for us my Friend Mohamed - after all Ramadan Mubarak!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg3r94/two_white_guys_stranded_in_a_desert_with_no_food/
%
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”
Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg3r2v/a_jewish_man_on_the_subway_is_reading_an_arab/
%
How can stealing be wrong...

...when you get so much karma from it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg3opl/how_can_stealing_be_wrong/
%
Did you work on a chicken farm?

Because your pretty good at raising cocks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg3kqe/did_you_work_on_a_chicken_farm/
%
What did the gay man say when he saw a condom flying across the room?

Who farted?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg3kdf/what_did_the_gay_man_say_when_he_saw_a_condom/
%
What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg3e4t/what_do_you_call_a_prison_cell_with_a_quarter/
%
Make-A-Wish kids are so lucky... they get to meet the Avengers!

...and then the next day Stan Lee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg3d5o/makeawish_kids_are_so_lucky_they_get_to_meet_the/
%
A guy just proposed at the gym.

She said no.
Guess it didn't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg34bg/a_guy_just_proposed_at_the_gym/
%
There are 3 things I hate.

1. Posting on reddit
2. Lists
3. Irony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg2v9b/there_are_3_things_i_hate/
%
A boy ask his father "what's the difference between theory and reality?"

Well son go ask your mother if she would sleep with a stranger for 1 million dollars.
So the boy ask the mother "mom would you sleep with a stranger for 1 million dollars?" The mom says "well I guess I would son." The boy goes back to his dad and tells him what she said his father says "now go ask your sister if she'd sleep with a stranger for 1 million dollars." Okay dad. So the boy ask his sister the same question. She says "well I guess I would" so the boy goes back to his dad and tells him. The dad says see there it is, in theory we are sitting on 2 million dollars but in reality we just live with two whores.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg2tjj/a_boy_ask_his_father_whats_the_difference_between/
%
I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good

I don’t see any problems now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg2qxx/i_went_to_see_if_my_laser_eye_surgeon_was_any_good/
%
I have extreme Artist's block.

I really *want* to make something, but I'm just drawing a blank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg2mre/i_have_extreme_artists_block/
%
Why didn't Mexico win any medals at the Olympics?

Their best runners and swimmers are in America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg2lqv/why_didnt_mexico_win_any_medals_at_the_olympics/
%
My wife went upstairs to get some medicine.

I think she's coming down with something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg2gnr/my_wife_went_upstairs_to_get_some_medicine/
%
What chocolate did the Egyptians eat?

Pharoh-rochere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg2c64/what_chocolate_did_the_egyptians_eat/
%
Have you heard of the movie 'Constipation'?

No?
Thats because it hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg2bxp/have_you_heard_of_the_movie_constipation/
%
What’s the similarity between Medusa and Drugs?

They both leave you stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg2ben/whats_the_similarity_between_medusa_and_drugs/
%
Where do bunnies go for breakfast?

Nowhere. Rabbits don't have set meals, they are grazers by nature and eat when they are hungry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg2bat/where_do_bunnies_go_for_breakfast/
%
My dad was Korean and my mom was Mexican

Hi, I am Guacamo Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg2ajt/my_dad_was_korean_and_my_mom_was_mexican/
%
What do you call a rabbit that's gonna be king?

An Heir

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg295y/what_do_you_call_a_rabbit_thats_gonna_be_king/
%
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?

Because everything is already 100% recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg28zs/why_did_earth_day_not_affect_rjokes/
%
Electricity is like a wife.

It's cheaper to take the neighbour's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg26on/electricity_is_like_a_wife/
%
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother-in-law Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6.

We live in Mexico and she’ll come find us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg26h9/i_live_in_constant_fear_that_trump_will_deport_my/
%
Did you know Helen Keller had a dog?

Neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg26a6/did_you_know_helen_keller_had_a_dog/
%
This Earth Day I decided I would become more environmentally concious

So I'm starting to recycle jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg24tb/this_earth_day_i_decided_i_would_become_more/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg234t/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings

It’s a complex complex complex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1wgw/ive_got_a_phobia_of_overengineered_buildings/
%
Hit on the head

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1uq0/hit_on_the_head/
%
A long life

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1ukt/a_long_life/
%
God in a parking lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1tyx/god_in_a_parking_lot/
%
Messy drinker

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1tnd/messy_drinker/
%
Three Catholics walk into a bar...

...a priest, a thief and a paedophilie. The other two were sound, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1rai/three_catholics_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My grief councillor recently died

But, luckily he was too good and I didn’t give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1n6u/my_grief_councillor_recently_died/
%
a man is late for a very important meeting

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1lww/a_man_is_late_for_a_very_important_meeting/
%
there was a bulgarian man who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1ksy/there_was_a_bulgarian_man_who_drove_trains_for_a/
%
What do you get when you combine a parrot and a shark?

Something that talks your leg off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1gz5/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_a_parrot_and_a/
%
A big city doctor visits native American tribe full of men

He asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
The tribe men reply "Simple, just come down to river tomorrow we will show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey
The tribe men say "Since you are our guest you get to go first"
The doctor not wanting to go against customs starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.
Then a man in the tribe asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1fo7/a_big_city_doctor_visits_native_american_tribe/
%
How did the Americans win WW2

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1f4l/how_did_the_americans_win_ww2/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1d4m/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshiper/
%
Two rednecks are walking along when they see a dog licking his genitals.

The first redneck says, “I wish I could do that.”
The other responds, “If you tried, he’d probably bite you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1by9/two_rednecks_are_walking_along_when_they_see_a/
%
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1b9c/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
%
As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

“You know, one would have been enough.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg1a33/as_i_handed_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he_looked/
%
I got taken of a plane in handcuffs today

All I did was greet my friend Jack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg18h4/i_got_taken_of_a_plane_in_handcuffs_today/
%
a man is walking through is local mall and noticed a mexican book store.

the man goes in as he has never seen a mexican book store before. he browses for a while and then approaches the clerk and asks:
'do you have the book on trumps foreign policies with mexico?'
the clerk reply's: 'f*ck you!! get out and stay out!!!'
the man reply's: 'yep that's the one'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg17hk/a_man_is_walking_through_is_local_mall_and/
%
Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.
“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg13hu/two_priests_are_standing_by_the_side_of_the_road/
%
You know those socks with a hole in it, so one of your toes sticks out?

That’s the kind of underpants I’m wearing today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg10od/you_know_those_socks_with_a_hole_in_it_so_one_of/
%
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”
He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0yuw/i_saw_arnold_schwarzenegger_eating_a_chocolate_egg/
%
Wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

That's the spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0yl7/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_ghosts/
%
A golfing trip

There were two men named John and Bill who were going on a golfing trip for the weekend. They packed their bags and set away on the long drive. On their way there, they ran into some heavy weather. So they stopped by a farm, and they asked the attractive woman who answered the door if they could stay the night.
Woman: “I would love more than anything to be able to let you two take some shelter, but I’ve recently been widowed. I’m afraid the neighbors will get a bad idea if I let you stay in the house.”
Bill: “No worries, we are happy to stay in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we will be gone by morning.”
The woman agreed and the two men settled in. Morning came and the weather broke, so they went on their way. They had a great weekend of golfing. But about nine months later, Bill got a letter from an attorney. He didn’t know what for at first, but he realized it must’ve had something to do with the woman they stayed with nine months prior.
So he went over to Johns house.
Bill: “Hey John, do you remember the lady we stayed with on our golf trip nine months ago?”
John: “Yes.”
Bill: “Did you happen to get up in the night, go to her house, and pay her a visit?”
John: “Well, ummmm, yes!”
He was embarrassed to be found out.
Bill: “And did you give her my name instead of yours?”
John turned a bright shade of red.
John: “Yes, I’m really sorry that I did. Why do you ask?”
Bill: “She just died and left me everything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0yav/a_golfing_trip/
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Last night I opened the windows and let the mosquitoes all inside and then I closed the windows

And I slept outside, it’s called “confusing the enemies”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0xj5/last_night_i_opened_the_windows_and_let_the/
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How to make a good joke

Wait this isn’t google

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0xio/how_to_make_a_good_joke/
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Doctor: “Look. You need to stop masturbating.” . . . Me: (confused)”Why’s that, Doc?”

Doctor: “Because, I’m trying to talk to you right now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0wj4/doctor_look_you_need_to_stop_masturbating_me/
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How did King Kong find out he is allergic to latex?

By using a Kongdom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0vvz/how_did_king_kong_find_out_he_is_allergic_to_latex/
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What kind of makeup does a sad clown wear?

Frowndation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0vaj/what_kind_of_makeup_does_a_sad_clown_wear/
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If my grandmother found out how much money i spent on her funeral...

...she'd be spinning in her ditch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0toq/if_my_grandmother_found_out_how_much_money_i/
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A burglar breaks into a house late at night.

He’s going through all of the family’s belongings when he hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”
He looks around and sees no one, and thinks he’s imagining things. He goes back to what he’s doing and again hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”
He shines his flashlight on a parrot in a cage across the room. “Are you the one saying ‘Jesus is watching me’?” he asks the parrot.
“Yes,” the parrot replies.
“What’s your name?” the burglar asks.
“My name is Clarence.”
“Clarence?” the burglar laughs. “That’s a dumb name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?”
The parrot answers, “The same idiot who named his pit bull Jesus.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0syb/a_burglar_breaks_into_a_house_late_at_night/
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Master Yoda, are we on the right path?

Of course we are!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0spa/master_yoda_are_we_on_the_right_path/
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Men always have the last word in arguments with their wives

Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0s8p/men_always_have_the_last_word_in_arguments_with/
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Me: Doctor, what happens after I die?

Doctor: We clean the bed and admit a new patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0qsp/me_doctor_what_happens_after_i_die/
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Why should all former senators be buried 100 feet deep when they die?

Because deep down, they’re really good people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0pma/why_should_all_former_senators_be_buried_100_feet/
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What do beauty therapists say when they’re finished with a manicure?

Nailed it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0pc1/what_do_beauty_therapists_say_when_theyre/
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TIL that diarrhoea is hereditary.

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0o8d/til_that_diarrhoea_is_hereditary/
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Where did Little Sally go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0huj/where_did_little_sally_go_during_the_bombing/
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A priest and a rabbi are talking about their religions with one another. The priest leans over to the Rabbi and asks him if he’s ever eaten pork before....

The Rabbi says, “I’ve had it once.”
The priest says, “oh it’s fantastic, BBQ pulled pork is my favorite. You are really missing out.
The rabbi smirks and leans in and says to the priest, “well have you ever had sex before?”
Priest says,”yes I did once.”
Rabbi smiles and says, “it’s a lot better than pork isn’t it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg0fo7/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_talking_about_their/
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Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg06mz/scotish_dad_calls_his_son_in_london_the_day/
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In case anyone of you missed out on posting a joke about 4/20,

don't worry, today is 420 too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg01z7/in_case_anyone_of_you_missed_out_on_posting_a/
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A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school.

The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs spraying shit on herself and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg01kh/a_little_boy_and_his_friends_are_being_called/
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A chicken went to James Bond....

Chicken: Hello, how do you do?
James Bond: I'm doing alright
Chicken: What is your name?
James Bond: The name's Bond.....James Bond.How about you?
Chicken: Ken...... Chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg01ae/a_chicken_went_to_james_bond/
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If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don't panic.

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bg00xi/if_youre_ever_skydiving_and_your_parachute_fails/
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My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.

Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfzp74/my_girlfriend_makes_me_want_to_become_a_better/
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I know a joke about food during communism

But I think no one will get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfzp3o/i_know_a_joke_about_food_during_communism/
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Why Was The Baby Ant Confused?

Because all of its uncles were ants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfzlsd/why_was_the_baby_ant_confused/
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A guy takes a girl out to dinner. She finishes her food and is still hungry.

So he gives her his peas. After dinner, she gives him herpes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfzl4c/a_guy_takes_a_girl_out_to_dinner_she_finishes_her/
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A Man Walks into a Bar

He then sees a guy lighting his cigarette. He walks over to him and notices something strange.
He asks the guy why his lighter was so big.
The guy says "My genie gave it to me."
The man then asks if he could get a wish.
"Sure", said the other guy.
So the man asks for a wish.
"I wish to have 1 million bucks."
Then 1 million ducks waddle into the bar.
"I said bucks not ducks!" The man said.
The guy replied with "you think I asked for a 12 inch bic?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfzh5h/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two metal heads don't marry

They weld

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfzfdy/two_metal_heads_dont_marry/
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I mean really, who does that? Who just walks up, pounds on your door and tells you, “You need to be saved or you’re going to burn!”

The nerve of that fireman...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfzbw6/i_mean_really_who_does_that_who_just_walks_up/
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Sometimes, the best way to open an egg

is to hatchet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfz9t0/sometimes_the_best_way_to_open_an_egg/
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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:
1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.
After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.
2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads:
"Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfz8rn/a_team_of_archaeologists_were_working_in/
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What’s the difference between starving a child and starving your cat?

Your cat is going to eat you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfz5um/whats_the_difference_between_starving_a_child_and/
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A guy just proposed at the gym.

She said no.
Guess it didn’t workout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfz45j/a_guy_just_proposed_at_the_gym/
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Gamers these days have no patience.

Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were *three days*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfz394/gamers_these_days_have_no_patience/
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Army vs. Navy

“When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfz0br/army_vs_navy/
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What religion are bears?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfyz8z/what_religion_are_bears/
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I got asked out by 20 girls today...

I was in the ladies restroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfyuwf/i_got_asked_out_by_20_girls_today/
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Had a dream i was a car.

When i woke up, i was exausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfylcy/had_a_dream_i_was_a_car/
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I just read most car accidents happen within 5 miles of home.

That’s it we’re moving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfyjqv/i_just_read_most_car_accidents_happen_within_5/
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A father and son are walking home from the park when the son notices two dogs having sex.

"Dad, what are those two dogs doing."
"Well son, isn't it obvious?"That one dog broke his leg and the other dog is helping him home."
The kid replies"Wouldn't you know it.You go to help out a friend and all he can do is fuck you in the ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfyiy4/a_father_and_son_are_walking_home_from_the_park/
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A blonde accidentally starts a fire and then calls 911

Phone operator: hello, what is you’re
emergency?
Blonde: Help my house is on fire!
Phone operator: please remain calm, how do we get there?
Blonde: in a big red truck, duh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfyhfi/a_blonde_accidentally_starts_a_fire_and_then/
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One day, Jesus said to his disciples: “The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9.”

St. Thomas looked very confused and asked St. Peter: “What does the teacher mean?”
St.Peter replied: “Don't worry, it's just another one of his parabolas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfygzg/one_day_jesus_said_to_his_disciples_the_kingdom/
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfygzd/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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Why do chickens often suffer from cabin fever?

Because they are always being cooped up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfyft8/why_do_chickens_often_suffer_from_cabin_fever/
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A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asks"what can I get you Mr.Seal"

The seal replies"anything but a Canadian Club"
(Sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfyc3d/a_seal_goes_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender_askswhat/
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Little Johnny sells a duck

One day a farmer decides to sell 3 of his ducks. He gives one to each of his sons, Billy, Bobby and Johnny and tells them to go to market and see what they can get for the ducks.
So Billy goes to market and comes back, and he says to his dad “hey dad!! I got ten bucks for that duck!” “Very good Billy!” His dad replies.
A few hours later Bobby comes back from market and in his coolness tells his dad he received twenty dollars for his duck. “That’s great!” Says Bobby’s dad.
Well now comes little Johnny’s turn to go to market and on his way a young lady meets him on the road. “Hey” says the young woman “nice duck kid! Say, have you ever been with a woman before?”
Little Johnny says no. “Well, for that duck we can change that.” Slyly states the girl. Little Johnny agrees and after the deed is done the woman moans “Wow that was pretty good kid, for round two I’ll give him back!”
Well little Johnny is young and full of energy so he agrees and, as agreed he gets the duck back. Eventually he gets to market and the duck flies out of his hands and gets hit by a car! The driver gets and in a rush states “Hey sorry about that duck kid! This twenty five bucks should handle it!”
Little Johnny takes his dough and heads home. “Well little Johnny, how much did you get?”
“Well dad I, fucked for a duck, got a duck for a fuck and, got twenty five bucks for a fucked up duck!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfy647/little_johnny_sells_a_duck/
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What’s long, white, and gets longer because of white girls?

The line at a starbucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfxzh2/whats_long_white_and_gets_longer_because_of_white/
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The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfxvyf/the_worlds_leading_expert_on_european_wasps_walks/
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She wanted space.

My wife says I take things too literally.
I say if you say you want "space" and I put you in a vacuum chamber chilled to 2.7 degrees Kelvin you got what you asked for. Roughly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfxs9o/she_wanted_space/
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I got fired from the sperm bank the other day...

...I kept saying “Get a load of this guy.” every time someone walked through the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfxs06/i_got_fired_from_the_sperm_bank_the_other_day/
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An old singer walks into a bar

and comes to a bartender:
-Hey there. I would like to sing in your bar, for some liquid reward
-Well, that sounds fine, but can we hear some of your songs first?
Singer agrees, stands up and announces: The first song is called “I’m gonna fuck your ass untill you shit on me”. Then he proceeds to perform an outstanding song, having all the attention from people in the bar, everyone being impressed. After a short break, he comes with a second song, which is called “i want you sit on my face with that hairy cunt”. The song is even better than first, audience is completely speechless, someone even burst in tears.
-Okay, you got a deal! - says bartender. -but can you maybe not announce your songs before you sing them?
Singer agrees, and walks out for bathroom break. When he returns, bartender notices that the zipper on his pants is fully opened with all his manhood visible. He quickly approaches the singer and whispers:
-Hey, your dick hangs out, you know it?
-Do i know it? I wrote that song myself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfxr6y/an_old_singer_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do you eat a bitcoin?

With a megabyte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfxqse/how_do_you_eat_a_bitcoin/
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So, a pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck to his crotch.

Bartender: "You know you got a ship's steering wheel attached to your crotch?"
Pirate: "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfxnp9/so_a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_ships/
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spotify free

that’s it... it’s a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfxlos/spotify_free/
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Stereotypes in real life

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfxcf6/stereotypes_in_real_life/
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Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs?

He doesn’t want his wife to know he’s fucking a chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfxc36/why_does_the_easter_bunny_hide_his_eggs/
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What do you call a rabbit who is an anesthesiologist?

An Ether Bunny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfx89n/what_do_you_call_a_rabbit_who_is_an/
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I'm not a road builder

Guy #1: You see that house over there? I built that house with me bare hands. Do they call me a house builder? No!
Guy #2: Okay
Guy #1: You see that bridge over there? I built that bridge with me bare hands. Do they call me a bridge builder? No!
Guy #2: Sure
Guy #1: You see that road over there? I built that road with me bare hands. Do they call me a road builder? No!
Guy #2: Fine
Guy #1: BUT YOU FUCK A GOAT ONE TIME!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfx84n/im_not_a_road_builder/
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How is a circumcised child like a vegan cat?

We all know who's making that decision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfx7de/how_is_a_circumcised_child_like_a_vegan_cat/
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A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfx3p4/a_man_and_his_wife_are_traveling_to_jerusalem_for/
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Soup or sex?

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfx0hq/soup_or_sex/
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Hey man, did I tell you I saw the author of Harry Potter when I was on ecstasy last night?

J.k. ... Rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfwvwd/hey_man_did_i_tell_you_i_saw_the_author_of_harry/
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What do you get when you pour scalding water in a rabbit hole?

A hot, cross, bunny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfwvuc/what_do_you_get_when_you_pour_scalding_water_in_a/
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My sister always likes to take the stairs, whereas I always prefer the elevator.

I guess we’re raised differently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfwoua/my_sister_always_likes_to_take_the_stairs_whereas/
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John the Baptist was Jesus' cousin....

But his head was once removed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfwmco/john_the_baptist_was_jesus_cousin/
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What do you call a psychic dwarf on the run from the law?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfwlx6/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_dwarf_on_the_run_from/
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My friend decided to become a mime

I haven't heard from him since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfwl83/my_friend_decided_to_become_a_mime/
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Anti vaxx joke

When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends!  I’m Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmy’s folks were anti-vaxx and then he fucking died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfwjlu/anti_vaxx_joke/
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Mystery of gas station bathrooms

“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfwiqi/mystery_of_gas_station_bathrooms/
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Pete was stranded on an island.

He was confronted by a small group of villagers. The chief gave him 2 options, ooga booga, or death. Pete chose ooga booga. Then they all raped him. He was then confronted by a slightly larger group of villagers. The chief gave him 2 options, ooga booga, or death. Pete chose ooga booga again thinking it would be different, but then they all raped him. He was confronted by another group of villagers with a 1000 members. The chief of the villagers gave him 2 options, ooga booga, or death. Pete sighed and said death. The chief responded okay, but first, OOGA BOOGA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfwie9/pete_was_stranded_on_an_island/
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At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears

and tells the head of the philosophy department, “I will grant you
whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beauty, or
10 million dollars.”
Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.
There is a flash of lightning, and the professor appears
transformed, but he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.” The professor says, “I should have taken the money.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfwgze/at_a_meeting_of_the_college_faculty_an_angel/
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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!"
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfwfz6/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/
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Grammer

The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfwat1/grammer/
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A man getting coffee sees a weird funeral ...

He sees a funeral with two caskets, about 20 feet back is a man with a pit bull, and then 20 more feet back a line of about 100 men.
The guy getting coffee was curious and walked up to the man with the pit bull and said,”I’m sorry to bother but who is in the first casket?”
the man with the pit bull(we will call pm)  says, “my wife”
The man with coffee (we will call cm) says, “oh no I’m sorry. But if I may ask how did she pass away?”
Pm says, “my pit bull attacked her and killed her.”
Cm goes, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” “ who is in the second casket?”
Pm answers, “that is my mother in law.”
Cm says, “oh no I’m sorry. How did she pass away?”
Pm says, “when my pit bull was attacking my wife she tried to save her and was killed as well.”
Cm says, “oh I’m sorry for your loss, but is there anyway I can borrow your pit bull?”
Pm says, “well, go get in line.”
(This is my first post on this subreddit so any improvements are welcome)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfw1m3/a_man_getting_coffee_sees_a_weird_funeral/
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What is Easter?

Three men all die in an accident and met Saint Peter in front of the pearly gates.
"Welcome to heaven gentlemen. I would love to let you in but before I can do that I need to prove that you're devout Christians. If you can tell me what Easter is I can let you through."
The first man steps up to Peter.
"Oh that's easy! Easter happens on the third Thursday of November. Families gather around tables and eat turkey an-"
Peter begins to roll his eyes and the second man comes up to Peter and nudges the first.
"That's not Easter, that's Thanksgiving! You're a month to soon. During Easter we decorate trees and put presents under them. We sing Carol's and roast chestnuts an-"
Saint Peter starts to shake his head.
Finally, the third man come up and nudges the second.
"That's not Easter that's Christmas! Easter happens in the Spring."
Saint Peter motions for the third man to continue.
"Well you see, a long time ago there were these guys who hung this other guy up on a cross. Eventually these other guys come along and take this guy down from the cross. They take him to a cave and roll this great, big, stone in front of the entrance to it."
"And what happened after that?" Asked Saint Peter.
"Well, after three days they roll the stone away from the entrance. Eventually, the man who was hung up on the cross comes out of the cave, and if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfvz46/what_is_easter/
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Me: I'm having a difficult time getting over my mother.

Therapist:  I've got a trampoline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfvx4s/me_im_having_a_difficult_time_getting_over_my/
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Guess what

Chicken butt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfvvjw/guess_what/
%
How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?

Hela Fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfvvew/how_fast_was_thors_hammer_destroyed/
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What does the Australian army soldier say when the American army leader says, “did you come here to die!”

He said, “Nah mate, came ere yesterdie”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfvthv/what_does_the_australian_army_soldier_say_when/
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Why did the bike fall over?

Because it was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfvraz/why_did_the_bike_fall_over/
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How many kids with a.d.d. does it take to change a light bulb?

Hey! Let's go ride our bikes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfvfie/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I went to a zoo that only had a dog.

It was a shit zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfvbf0/i_went_to_a_zoo_that_only_had_a_dog/
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What do you call a book club that has been stuck on one book since ages?

Church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfv69x/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_that_has_been_stuck/
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Why did earth day not affect r/jokes?

Because everything is already 100% recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfv33p/why_did_earth_day_not_affect_rjokes/
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If you watch it backwards, the movie titanic,

becomes about a magical boat that saves a bunch of drowning people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfv2m3/if_you_watch_it_backwards_the_movie_titanic/
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'We have been over it again and again and again'

said my driving instructor pointing at the dead body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfv1ym/we_have_been_over_it_again_and_again_and_again/
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I messed up between Jacuzzi and the Yakuza.

I’m in hot water now with the Japanese Mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfv178/i_messed_up_between_jacuzzi_and_the_yakuza/
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What has two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese telephone!
Wing wing, arrow?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfux3w/what_has_two_wings_and_an_arrow/
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A Guy Wants To Become A Farmer

The guy goes to another farmer and asks what he needs to start his farm.
The farmer says "you will need a donkey... And on the farm you call a donkey an ass... Then you will need a rooster... And on the farm we call those cocks... And then you will also need a chicken... And on the farm we call those pull-its. Oh, and sometimes the donkey will stop and you need to scratch its chest to get it to keep going again..."
So the guy buys the donkey, the rooster, and the chicken and starts to walk them home. He has the chicken in one arm, and the rooster in the other, and the donkey is walking next to him. The donkey stops just like the farmer said it would, but his hands are full with the chicken and the rooster. So he waves at a car to get it to pull over and says "will you hold my cock and pull it so I can scratch my ass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfuwhm/a_guy_wants_to_become_a_farmer/
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Thieves don't understand the concept of jokes...

...They always take things literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfuufk/thieves_dont_understand_the_concept_of_jokes/
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Why do we use buckets at Halloween and baskets for Easter?

Because baskets are more holey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfuuac/why_do_we_use_buckets_at_halloween_and_baskets/
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What is brown and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven’s last movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfuu4c/what_is_brown_and_sits_on_a_piano_bench/
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How does Palpatine make paper mache.

Glue it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfus0n/how_does_palpatine_make_paper_mache/
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There was a peasant married couple in Switzerland during WWII.

They had just had twin sons that they knew weren’t safe in Europe with the bombing and havoc around their country. They separated them by sending one of them to Mexico and one to Arabia. The Mexican brother was named Juan by his foster parents, and the Arabian family named the other brother Ahmal. They two stayed in the countries for a very long time, so long that the Swiss mother and father didn’t even know what their own sons looked like. One day, Juan decided to send his Swiss mother and father a picture of himself. The mother and father was very happy. “Look,” said the mother to the father, “Juan looks more handsome that I expected.” The father replied, “Yes, but it’s a shame that Ahmal couldn’t send anything to us. Well, you know what they say... you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfuobn/there_was_a_peasant_married_couple_in_switzerland/
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A white man, a black man, an asian and a hispanic are standing on top of a mountain.

The hispanic says, this is for my people! And jumps off the mountain
The asian says, this is for my people! And jumps off the mountain
The black guy says, this is for my people! Grabs the white dude and threw that motherfucker off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfumqe/a_white_man_a_black_man_an_asian_and_a_hispanic/
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There once was a man who was cursed to explain everything he said.

Due to this he never really talked much until one day when he signed up to talk in a debate about climate change. When it came his turn he began to speak and of course everyone noticed his speech impediment right away. A member of the opposing view interrupted him and asked “what are you doing?” The man grew quiet for a moment and then with an angry look responded “I’m speaking... and that’s saying something!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfum9t/there_once_was_a_man_who_was_cursed_to_explain/
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What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfulr2/whats_the_difference_between_a_picture_of_jesus/
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Me: I've conquered my fear of ghosts!

Therapist: That's the spirit!
Me: Oh fuck where

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfujx1/me_ive_conquered_my_fear_of_ghosts/
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Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfuj40/why_did_the_girl_fall_off_the_swing/
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It’s Perfectly fine to dislike certain races

I like running the 5k personally, my friend runs the 10k and he’s like that better though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfuiny/its_perfectly_fine_to_dislike_certain_races/
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I go in hard but come out soft, and I never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?

Bubblegum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfud6o/i_go_in_hard_but_come_out_soft_and_i_never_mind/
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How is a trans 4-year old like a vegan cat?

We all know who’s making that decision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfucu0/how_is_a_trans_4year_old_like_a_vegan_cat/
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I remember once when my mum gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to her what I did and she beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my mom woke up and opened the door, outside the house was a brand new car.
We all cried. And especially me, because the car was from the electricity company.
They were there to cut off the power.
My mum beat the crap out of me again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfuchr/i_remember_once_when_my_mum_gave_me_money_to_pay/
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I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfubj2/i_decided_to_sell_my_vacuum_cleaner_the_other_day/
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How does Jesus make his coffee?

He brews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfuapw/how_does_jesus_make_his_coffee/
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What did the Easter Egg say to the Boiling Water?

It’s gonna take me awhile to get hard. I just got laid by some chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfu7q7/what_did_the_easter_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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I told my girlfriend today that she was the prettiest girl alive

Apparently that was a bad way to tell her i’m a necrophile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfu7fo/i_told_my_girlfriend_today_that_she_was_the/
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What do you call a lizard with 5 legs?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfu66o/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_with_5_legs/
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They've finally done it!

After years of painstaking research and experimentation scientists have developed a serum that can regrow human body parts
In other news: Reports of individuals who have had their penis accidentally chopped off has increased by 100%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfu4ur/theyve_finally_done_it/
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My aunt: what is Easter gonna be like next year

Me: How should I know I don’t have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfu2j4/my_aunt_what_is_easter_gonna_be_like_next_year/
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What does a necrophiliac get when someone dies?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bftx9e/what_does_a_necrophiliac_get_when_someone_dies/
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Why do you refer to a priest as "father"?

Because "daddy" is considered childish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bftr0y/why_do_you_refer_to_a_priest_as_father/
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Sometimes I talk to myself.

Me too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bftqv9/sometimes_i_talk_to_myself/
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Kylie Jenner is a self-made billionaire!

Just like her dad is a self-made woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bftq62/kylie_jenner_is_a_selfmade_billionaire/
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Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.
What the loudest sound in the wild ?
Giraffes eating cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfto0p/why_do_elephants_paint_their_balls_red/
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I’m currently reading a great book about Lubricants.

It’s non-friction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bftnv9/im_currently_reading_a_great_book_about_lubricants/
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A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:
-	Chicago Fire (Soccer)
-	Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
-	Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
-	San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
-	Miami Hurricanes (Football)
-	New York City Jets (Football)
Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bftm1x/a_lot_of_cities_like_to_name_their_sports_teams/
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at hiding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bftj6q/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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Why can't you have two eggs in France?

Because one egg is un oeuf!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bftg24/why_cant_you_have_two_eggs_in_france/
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My keyboard's "W" key broke today.

I don't know if I can just move forward from this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfteyx/my_keyboards_w_key_broke_today/
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This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I  said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bft5bb/this_girl_ran_up_to_me_at_the_cemetery_and_said_i/
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TIL: ”Buckwheat” from the “Little Rascals” tv show converted to Islam...

His new name is “Kareem O Wheat”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfszey/til_buckwheat_from_the_little_rascals_tv_show/
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A man is chopping down a tree

Tree: Oww!
Man: Stop Screaming
Tree: Stop chopping me!
Man: This is my job
Tree: But Im a talking tree
Man: Then you must certainly dialogue..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfszeh/a_man_is_chopping_down_a_tree/
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How do you fire a nun?

You cross her off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfssdb/how_do_you_fire_a_nun/
%
A blind woman goes out shopping...

A blind old woman goes out shopping, and instead of walking into the local electronics store, she ends up walking into the pet store.
She says to the manager at the desk: "Hello there. I was wondering, do you sell infrared grillers?"
The manager says back: "I'm afraid we don't have those in at the moment. But can I offer you an ultra violet chimpanzee instead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfsscd/a_blind_woman_goes_out_shopping/
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I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?
I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfss4d/i_was_sitting_at_a_bar_last_night_and_this_asian/
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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfsqc0/a_man_buys_a_lie_detecting_robot_that_slaps/
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What do a subway perv and the person they're staring at having in common?

Theyre both thinking "I really want to get off right now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfsj9v/what_do_a_subway_perv_and_the_person_theyre/
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I made a website for orphans

Obviously doesn't have a homepage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfsipg/i_made_a_website_for_orphans/
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The tailor at the tuxedo store kept hovering over me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfsg07/the_tailor_at_the_tuxedo_store_kept_hovering_over/
%
What was Jesus' favorite beer?

Rolling Rock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfsfl1/what_was_jesus_favorite_beer/
%
Never argue about climate change

It always turns into a heated debate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfs1zj/never_argue_about_climate_change/
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I really like the band Depeche Mode.

I just can't get enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfry45/i_really_like_the_band_depeche_mode/
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A woman buys a closet from Ikea

A woman who lives just above an underground station buys a closet from Ikea and tries to build it in her apartment. She gets it built but, before she could get any clothes inside, the underground arrives at the station and the closet collapses.
She doesn't understand how could this happen since she's been living there for ten years and she hasn't had any problem with it in all this time. So she builds the closet again and when the underground arrives at the station, the closet collapses before she could get any clothes inside.
After that, the woman decides to call Ikea and have the closet checked for any issues, and so a man from the company arrives at her home and starts inspecting the closet. He builds it again and when the underground arrives, it collapses.
The man can't belive his eyes. After thinking for a bit, he says:
"I'll get in the closet, we will wait for the underground to arrive and I'll check if it's any piece from the inside which doesn't work"
And so he gets into the closet and they wait.
A moment after that, the woman's husband gets home from work and enters the bedroom.
"Hey, that's a nice closet!" He says.
Then he opens the door and finds the ikea man inside and asks him:
"And what are you doing in here?"
"You wouldn't believe me."
"Try me" responds the husband.
"I'm waiting for the underground."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfrx3j/a_woman_buys_a_closet_from_ikea/
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What was the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter?

A ginger actually had 2 friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfrwai/what_was_the_most_unrealistic_thing_about_harry/
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"I can't believe after all the shit they're back together."

"Who?"
"My ass cheeks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfruen/i_cant_believe_after_all_the_shit_theyre_back/
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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfrtuy/i_watch_zombie_movies_to_prepare_for_weird_events/
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Boss

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfrsw9/boss/
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If you ever feel useless in your life..

Remember there is a guy at BMW factory, installing blinker lights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfroz2/if_you_ever_feel_useless_in_your_life/
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My wife and I now only have what I call “hallway” sex

We pass each other in the hallway,..fuck you!,..fuck you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfrm85/my_wife_and_i_now_only_have_what_i_call_hallway/
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Some people are just over-optimistic.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfrljo/some_people_are_just_overoptimistic/
%
I went to visit my mum yesterday and noticed her cat wasn't around.

"Where's old Ginger?" I asked.
"He's gone to Pussy Heaven" she sniffed.
"Wow!" I said, "I was there last night, I didn't know he was a member."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfr6e4/i_went_to_visit_my_mum_yesterday_and_noticed_her/
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The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’

Me: ‘Good, I’m being buried at sea.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfr63o/the_wifes_mother_said_when_youre_dead_ill_dance/
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A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.
The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.
*Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.*
The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.
“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”
“Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.
“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”
“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfr2qt/a_mailman_notices_a_mail_box_with_the_flag_up/
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Dying in my sleep

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather....not screaming and crying like everyone else in the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfqzq7/dying_in_my_sleep/
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You know what’s weird about cosmetic procedures?

When people get plastic surgery, everyone looks shocked. But when people do Botox, nobody even raises an eyebrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfqy0e/you_know_whats_weird_about_cosmetic_procedures/
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A man walks into a bar

"I'll have tequila please"
Woman sitting next to him: "It's on me"
"No, its on the shelf. Pretty weird thing to lie about."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfqtz4/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do pirates celebrate when they meet at sea?

With a boarding party!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfqn7h/how_do_pirates_celebrate_when_they_meet_at_sea/
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Why are farmers so good at geometry?

They’re protractors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfqmpk/why_are_farmers_so_good_at_geometry/
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I just saw in the local paper "Barber busted for dealing drugs" and I was amazed. I've been a customer of his for years

and I had no idea he cut hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfqiky/i_just_saw_in_the_local_paper_barber_busted_for/
%
Have you heard about the seasonal camping sale?

It is the winter of discount tents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfqhgd/have_you_heard_about_the_seasonal_camping_sale/
%
So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.

Pope: "Do you know Jesus?"
Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year."
Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millennia and we're still waiting for his second coming."
Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
Pope: "Chocolate?"
Alien: "Every time he visits, we gather the best chocolate from each manufacturing plant and give them to him before he leaves. Why, what did you do the first time he came here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfqh8r/so_the_pope_is_having_a_conversation_with_aliens/
%
Why can't Jesus be from Norway?

Because the three wise men came from the east.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfqgns/why_cant_jesus_be_from_norway/
%
3 guys go to heaven

Three guys go to heaven, and are greeted by Saint Peter. Now, to get to heaven, they had to cross a large bridge. “The quality of the vehicle you will drive across this bridge with will be determined by how many times you cheated on your spouse” says St. Peter. The first guy walks up and St. Peter says to him, “You were married for 70 years and never cheated once.” The first guy receives a really nice super car of some sort. The second guy walks up and St. Peter says to him, “You were married for 60 years and cheated 3 times.” So he receives a pretty beat up car. The third guy walks up and St. Peter says to him, “You were married for 50 years and cheat over 5 times.” So he receives a really terrible car. Around half-way across the bridge, the first guy, the one in the super car, looks in his rear view mirror, and sees his wife on a skateboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfqeme/3_guys_go_to_heaven/
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[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfqbnu/easter_joke_q_what_kind_of_exercise_did_jesus_do/
%
A woman was told to send a facsimile copy of their child’s medical records to a specialist when their child fell very ill.

She didn’t deliver, the child died, turns out she was anti-fax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfq69j/a_woman_was_told_to_send_a_facsimile_copy_of/
%
A racist, an animal abuser and a murderer go into a bar.

The bartender says: "What will it be, officer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfq674/a_racist_an_animal_abuser_and_a_murderer_go_into/
%
What did Mario say when he arrived in Africa?

It's a me, Malario!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfq5ww/what_did_mario_say_when_he_arrived_in_africa/
%
A husband says to his wife, "You know, our son got his brain from me."

The wife replies, "I think he did. I still got mine with me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfq3ha/a_husband_says_to_his_wife_you_know_our_son_got/
%
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfpykm/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
%
This man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "What's the matter?"...

"I found out my brother is gay"
The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?"
"I found out that my son is gay."
The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Ok sir. What's the matter this time?"
"I found out that my dad is gay."
The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 50 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Does anyone in your family like women?"
"Apparently my wife does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfpy4c/this_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_10_shots_of/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer yesterday.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfppll/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_yesterday/
%
What do you call a church infested with termites

A holey place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfpp73/what_do_you_call_a_church_infested_with_termites/
%
A man decides to open a zoo...

This man was named "Joseph" and he named his zoo "Wild Animals" and in this zoo he needed to get a few animals.
However, he was on a small budget and needed something small he could get, his mind went on his favorite bird, a Noisy Miner bird. But, obviously, he needed to get more than just birds, so, he went to the coast and asked a pirate for animals.
"Arggh.." the pirate said, "We have some porpoises, but these ones are different."
"How so?" Joseph responded
"These porpoises are evil and immoral" he said
However, even with the warning from the pirate, Joseph went up and bought the porpoises for cheap.
His small zoo was a success and He got some support and got some Lions from the state, for free of charge.
However, the porpoises were starting to get hungry and when Joseph found out the Miner birds were not popular, he decided he was going to feed them to the porpoises.
Joseph was taking a shortcut over the lion sanctuary when he was stopped by the police and was about to be arrested.
"Why?" Joseph asked while he was being handcuffed
"For transporting miners over state lions for immoral porpoises"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfpool/a_man_decides_to_open_a_zoo/
%
Where does milk go when it’s bad?

Into custardy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfpnr5/where_does_milk_go_when_its_bad/
%
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfplag/what_gets_longer_when_pulled_fits_between_breasts/
%
I tell my wife I'm close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..

I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfpiyr/i_tell_my_wife_im_close_to_60000_karma_on_my/
%
Pizza

Give a homeless guy a pizza and he will eat for a day, teach him how to make a pizza and he will be like "wtf dude, I don't have a kitchen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfph1k/pizza/
%
Whoever invented the typewriter...

Must have made a prototypewriter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfpg7e/whoever_invented_the_typewriter/
%
What do you call Iron-man when he can't take his suit off?

Tony Stuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfpfqt/what_do_you_call_ironman_when_he_cant_take_his/
%
Why do we color Easter eggs?

Because Jesus dyed for your sins.
Happy Easter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfpewg/why_do_we_color_easter_eggs/
%
What do you call trees who are sad about the death of a fellow tree?

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfpevr/what_do_you_call_trees_who_are_sad_about_the/
%
What did the Irish farmer name his potato plot?

Carb O'hydrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfpdqg/what_did_the_irish_farmer_name_his_potato_plot/
%
The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer.

“I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said.  “I’ll increase your income five-fold.  Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.  All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.” The lawyer thought for a moment.  “So what’s the catch?” he asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfpc6c/the_devil_visited_a_lawyers_office_and_made_him/
%
(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"
The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our families, and eat turkey and pie, and celebrate the pilgrims arriving in America?"
St. Peter scowls "No. That is Thanksgiving. It is not even a religious holiday." So, he turns to the second man and asks the same question.
The second man replies "I know this. That is the holiday we cut down a tree and decorate it. We give gifts to loved ones. And we go to church that day."
St. Peter shakes his head, "That is Christmas. It is a religious holiday, but you missed the whole point of that day."
Dejected, St Peter turns to the last man and asks the same question.
The last man pauses and says "Let's see if I remember this right. Easter is the holiday we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus after his crucifixion by the Romans."
St. Peter looks impressed.
The man continues, "After his death, they took him down from the cross, wrapped him in a shroud, and put him in a cave, then rolled a rock in front of the entrance."
St. Peter turns to the other men and says, "You should have been more like this this man while you were alive."
And then the man chimes in, "And if he comes out in 3 days and sees his shadow there's going to be six more weeks of winter."
(There are only two times of year this joke is funny, and this is one of them)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfpa2h/long_three_men_die_together_and_end_up_in_front/
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So I hit another vehicles bumper the other day, so we both pulled over to the side of the road. The driver got out. I noticed he was a dwarf, he shouted, "I'm not happy!"

I replied, "then which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfp9xa/so_i_hit_another_vehicles_bumper_the_other_day_so/
%
A blind man once walked into his friend's room while he was ejaculating.

He did not see that cumming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfp885/a_blind_man_once_walked_into_his_friends_room/
%
What the hell man

A guy in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket
Well he can hide but he can’t run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfp5hk/what_the_hell_man/
%
Batman to Alfred

B: Alfred, why batremote for batTV is not working?
A: Have you changed bateries sir?
B: ...
B: What are eries?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfp5gg/batman_to_alfred/
%
What the sidekick to resting on one’s Laurel?

Resting on one’s Hardy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfp2eu/what_the_sidekick_to_resting_on_ones_laurel/
%
I have a 90 year old neighbor with Alzheimer’s

Who asks me every single morning if I’ve seen his wife.
Now, you have to know his wife has been dead for years and I’ve thought about not answering the door every morning or even moving, but I end up telling him that she’s dead just to see that big smile on his face.
Credit A Jeselnik

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfozrx/i_have_a_90_year_old_neighbor_with_alzheimers/
%
A man walks in to a bar

then someone shouts: "35"
And everyone starts laughing.
Then someone shouts: "87"
Once more, there is much laughing.
"Why are people laughing?" The man asks the bartender.
The bartender says that it is because everyone here knows the jokes. "Simply shout a number, and they know which joke it is" he says.
The man thinks this is a fun concept, so he wants to try it for himself. So he shouts: "117"
And everyone laughs again, but louder than usual.
"Why was that one so good?" The man asks the bartender.
The bartender answers: "They had not heard that one before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfow2q/a_man_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs...

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs. His advisor concluded it with, "and yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an attack."
"That's terrible!" responded the president. "We need to act now. I need to talk directly with the people. Set up a time for it, and start working on my statement about it."
The advisor is a little shocked by the seriousness of the president's response, but starts to leave to get things in motion.
"But first..." the president leans in and whispers, "could you remind me how many millions are in a brazillion again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfouyf/the_president_was_getting_his_daily_briefing/
%
I was sitting down in a bar when an Asian walks in and takes a sip of beer

I ask him if he knew any martial arts like Kung-Fu, ju jitsu, or karate. He said “No! WTF man? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?” I said “No, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bforxl/i_was_sitting_down_in_a_bar_when_an_asian_walks/
%
Vacation sex

My wife said vacation sex is the best.
Worst post card ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bforav/vacation_sex/
%
Have you heard of the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?

He laid in bed all night wondering if there was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfoldj/have_you_heard_of_the_agnostic_dyslexic_insomniac/
%
The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.

We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfoerk/the_neighborhood_barber_just_got_arrested_for/
%
I was once in a group project with a girl who did nothing but send feet pics

That was her sole contribution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfocj4/i_was_once_in_a_group_project_with_a_girl_who_did/
%
What did the Roman say when he saw a zombie?

Jesus christ!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfob2i/what_did_the_roman_say_when_he_saw_a_zombie/
%
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh...

... until you get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfo8cx/you_hear_a_cancer_joke_and_it_makes_you_laugh/
%
How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?

Trust me, the difference is apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfo7c2/how_do_you_tell_a_dad_joke_from_a_bad_joke/
%
Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfo2vl/did_you_know_the_bible_says_its_illegal_to_trim/
%
My wife is unhappy with my new bread baking hobby.

Seems she wants to be the only sour, doughy thing in my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfo1a3/my_wife_is_unhappy_with_my_new_bread_baking_hobby/
%
A man gets on a bus and sees the most beautiful nun ever.

A men gets on a bus and sees a beautiful nun, he approaches her and says how he wants go out with her, she says she is a wife to god and gets of the bus. The bus driver says if you go to the cemetery at 9pm where she prays dressed up as god she would even have sex with you!!
So the man goes there that night and says that he wants more children and must have sex with the nun, the nun replies” well if your really god you can do my bum and still get me pregnant right?” The man agrees and does it how she said. After he rips of the god costume and shouts “HA I’m the guy from the bus!!” The nun replies calmly “ I know. And I’m the bus driver ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfo13d/a_man_gets_on_a_bus_and_sees_the_most_beautiful/
%
A dog walks into an employment agency and says he’s looking for full-time work.

“Holy cow! A talking dog!” the agency owner cries. “With your talent, I’m sure we could find you a job in entertainment. Maybe a circus?”
“A circus?” the dog asks. “Why would the circus need an accountant?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnwlk/a_dog_walks_into_an_employment_agency_and_says/
%
Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnt0s/kung_fu_student_asks_his_teacher/
%
Fair Punishment

Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnsz8/fair_punishment/
%
What is Mario's favorite type of pants?

Denim denim denim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnsy4/what_is_marios_favorite_type_of_pants/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his bum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnsou/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
What do you get when you liquefy a mongol?

Tatar sauce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnrv9/what_do_you_get_when_you_liquefy_a_mongol/
%
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a rare condition with my sight.

Umdiddlyumdiddlyumdiddly eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnqf3/as_a_child_i_watched_mary_poppins_so_many_times_i/
%
How does a blind parachutist know when he's near the ground?

The lead on his guide dog goes slack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnqb1/how_does_a_blind_parachutist_know_when_hes_near/
%
Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?

Therapist: You bet.
Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnpmb/me_can_you_help_me_get_over_my_gambling_addiction/
%
(NSFW) A cowboy walks into a bar, looking as happy as can be. Another man sitting down asks him,

“What on Earth could you be so happy for?”
The cowboy promptly answers with “I just untied a woman from the train tracks and proceeded to have sex with her”
The other man, astonished, asks for more details.
The cowboy proceeds to tell the other man all the positions they did it in, the silkiness of her skin, etc.
The other man, now excited, asks “Well did she give you head?”
“No, I couldn’t find it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnpgl/nsfw_a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_looking_as_happy/
%
After years of being bald, the idea of hair doesn't sound too bad.

It's starting to grow on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnnsi/after_years_of_being_bald_the_idea_of_hair_doesnt/
%
A woman calls the vet because her beloved dog isn’t moving.

The vet makes a house call and after a quick examination tells the woman her dog is going to die.
“Isn’t there anything you can do?” the woman pleads with the vet. He thinks it over, leaves the room, and returns with her cat. The cat sniffs the dog head to toe, looks him over, and shakes his head at the vet.
“I’m sorry, miss. It’s out of our hands.” The vet hands the woman a bill for $1,570 before he leaves.
“What?” the woman screams. “How is the bill $1,570? You didn’t do anything.”
“Well,” replies the vet, “it’s $70 for the consultation, $100 for the house call, and $1,400 for the emergency cat scan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnmyo/a_woman_calls_the_vet_because_her_beloved_dog/
%
Is incest right or wrong?

It's relative to the individual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnlqr/is_incest_right_or_wrong/
%
One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing, working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbles. “They misspelled my name!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnjmb/one_dark_night_two_men_are_walking_home_after_a/
%
Two men are discussing the ailing health of their parents.

“I feel bad,” the first man says. “My dad is senile. All he does is stare through the window all day long.”
“That’s an awful way to live,” the second man responds.
“Yeah, I know,” the man admitted. “One day I should really let him in the house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnib6/two_men_are_discussing_the_ailing_health_of_their/
%
Did you know that a dog wrote a book about his adventures in space?

*I, Shih Tzu-Naut*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfngkc/did_you_know_that_a_dog_wrote_a_book_about_his/
%
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnfvv/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_2_doors/
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The visit to Jerusalem

Mr Goldman & his nagging wife of 30 years once went on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. Through out the plane ride, down to the taxi ride to the hotel she nagged him persistently.
While in bed , the nagging continued. The next day Mr Goldberg woke up to discover his wife had died peacefully in her sleep.
On contacting the funeral home, he was given two options. Bury his wife in Jerusalem at the rate of $150 or ship her back to the US at $5000.
He opted to return the corpse to the US. The funeral home attendant pleaded repeatedly to bury Mrs Goldberg in Jerusalem but Mr Goldberg was adamant.
After a lot of back & forth between Mr Goldberg and the attendant, Mr Goldberg said in exasperation: "I once heard of a man whom died in Jerusalem 2 millenniums ago and rose some days later. I'm not taking that chance with this one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfnerl/the_visit_to_jerusalem/
%
What’s the difference between a penis and bonus?

Your wife will always blow your bonus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfncbs/whats_the_difference_between_a_penis_and_bonus/
%
Is Jesus a Gangster?

Because he’s coming straight from the underground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfn9e5/is_jesus_a_gangster/
%
Apparently Kim Jong Un is fed up of been a dictator and wants to move to South Korea to become a Dentist

He said he wants a change of Korea..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfn76y/apparently_kim_jong_un_is_fed_up_of_been_a/
%
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his eighty-four-year-old father.

While there he notices the nurse hand his father a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill. The man asks the nurse, “Why are you doing that? At his age, what will either do for him?”
“The hot chocolate,” the nurse explains, “will help him fall asleep faster.”
“All right,” the man replies, “and what about the Viagra?”
“That keeps him from rolling out of bed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfn75h/a_man_goes_to_the_nursing_home_to_visit_his/
%
Why do people say "congrats"?

because they can't spell congratchulations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfn4hh/why_do_people_say_congrats/
%
It’s only natural that all politicians have a God complex.

They haven’t done anything in ages, they give all the best jobs to their immediate family, and no one really believes in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfn4eo/its_only_natural_that_all_politicians_have_a_god/
%
What is the last part of the body to stop working?

Your pupils. They have an essay to hand in and don’t want to disappoint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfn44a/what_is_the_last_part_of_the_body_to_stop_working/
%
How did the mathematician foil the villains plan?

(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfn3bd/how_did_the_mathematician_foil_the_villains_plan/
%
My granddad was surrounded by his family when he died.

Such was the manpower needed to hold the pillow over his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfn2z2/my_granddad_was_surrounded_by_his_family_when_he/
%
How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to insist the light bulb has been taken care of and the other to screw it into a faucet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfn2y9/how_many_government_workers_does_it_take_to/
%
A kid walks past a pond

, when at that moment a fish comes up in the water.
Fish : "Heey kid, i am a magic fish, and I will grant you a wish."
Kid  : "Well i don't have a wish but i do have a question. Is that ok ?"
Fish :  "Sure what is your question ?"
Kid  : "Can you evolve into a gyarados ?"
Fish : "No why would I ?"
Kid  : "Because you are a magic karp."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfmybp/a_kid_walks_past_a_pond/
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"Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfmxzr/hey_dad_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
%
Blacksmith: "I'm almost done with this sword, I just need to work out the kinks."

Sword: "Hit me more!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfmxpj/blacksmith_im_almost_done_with_this_sword_i_just/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got 2nd place in a peeing contest?

He's probably so pissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfmwxm/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_2nd_place_in_a/
%
If a man cums inside of a woman today...

Is his sperm Easter egg hunting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfmwl9/if_a_man_cums_inside_of_a_woman_today/
%
Did you hear there’s a cure for agoraphobia?!

It’s just around the corner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfmpot/did_you_hear_theres_a_cure_for_agoraphobia/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfmks7/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
Three kids were arguing about who had the tallest dad.

K1: My Dad’s so tall he can reach out and touch the top of any building in the world.
K2: My Dad so tall he reaches out and touches the Sun.
K3 to K2 (after some serious thought):Did your Dad say the sun was hot?
K2 with some swag: Nah. Just warm.
K3: That was my Dad’s ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfmi36/three_kids_were_arguing_about_who_had_the_tallest/
%
I was in an Eskimo restaurant the other day, and the waiter said .......

"We´ve got whale meat, or whale meat, or the Vera Lynn Special."
I asked him what was in the Vera Lynn Special?
He said "whale meat again".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfmez9/i_was_in_an_eskimo_restaurant_the_other_day_and/
%
If you're a teen who doesn't drink

remember, don't succumb to beer pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfmb94/if_youre_a_teen_who_doesnt_drink/
%
A man walks into a bar and asks for 10 times as many drinks as everyone else in the bar is having.

The barman replies "Now THAT is an order of magnitude!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfmb68/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_10_times_as/
%
A woodpecker just drummed me a message

... in a Morse code. Said I was a paranoid bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfm9nt/a_woodpecker_just_drummed_me_a_message/
%
What do you call a mushroom with weed?

A fungi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfm8nu/what_do_you_call_a_mushroom_with_weed/
%
Why is best friend two words, but girlfriend is only one?

Because when it comes to best friends, they actually give you the space when you need it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfm3ez/why_is_best_friend_two_words_but_girlfriend_is/
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Cop pulled me over

I was pulled over by a cop, for a random breath test
The cop shoved the machine in my face and asked me to count to 5
I counted 1.....2.....3.....4 and looked at him.
He looked back confused, Then I  said  “I’m a bass player.... I can’t count past 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bflzyv/cop_pulled_me_over/
%
I wish I could be ugly for one day

Cuz being ugly everyday just hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bflu4d/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_one_day/
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Why did Cersei cut off The Hound's balls?

Because a Lannister always spays his pets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bflovq/why_did_cersei_cut_off_the_hounds_balls/
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Mace Windu tells a joke to Anakin Skywalker

Windu: Anakin, you wanna hear a joke?
Anakin: Sure Master Windu
Windu: The Rank of Master
Anakin: I don't get it
Windu: I know you don't﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfln0y/mace_windu_tells_a_joke_to_anakin_skywalker/
%
New research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy and as good for you as a 20 minute jog.

So now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bflegq/new_research_shows_that_laughing_for_2_minutes_is/
%
My favorite word is "pardon".

It's a problem when people ask me what my favorite word is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfla0u/my_favorite_word_is_pardon/
%
A haiku for people who don't know what one is

You just get three lines
Five syllables, then seven
And then five again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfl87d/a_haiku_for_people_who_dont_know_what_one_is/
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Everyone thinks I’m a submissive because I’m wearing this collar.

I really just want to repel all of these fleas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfl6ty/everyone_thinks_im_a_submissive_because_im/
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I don't think I am gay...

...but I do appreciate how people try to prove me wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfl6pc/i_dont_think_i_am_gay/
%
Teacher: "One day our country will be corruption free", which tense is it?

Student: Future impossible tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfl6k0/teacher_one_day_our_country_will_be_corruption/
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What did the hat say to the other hat?

You stay here I’ll go on ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfl5i2/what_did_the_hat_say_to_the_other_hat/
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Peace, Love and Happiness

A very strict man had three hot daughters, named Peace, Love and Happiness. He always hated any guy his daughters brought home - always told them there was no man good enough for his daughters.
Peace was dating a boy he particularly hated, but she kept dating him anyway. Once Peace and her boyfriend forgot to use protection and Peace got pregnant. They were really scared, for they were sure that her father would go berserk.
Peace and her boyfriend finally got the courage to meet with her father and tell him what happened. Surprisingly, her father was completely cool with it and was excited to have a potential son in law and grandchild.
Bewildered, and slightly jealous of her sister, Love asked her dad how he had such a change of heart.
He said, "Well I couldn't stay mad, he came in Peace."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfl4pg/peace_love_and_happiness/
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All these antivaxxer jokes on Reddit are getting old

Unlike the children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfl47d/all_these_antivaxxer_jokes_on_reddit_are_getting/
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Know why North Koreans are so good at measuring stuff?

They have a supreme ruler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfl2ob/know_why_north_koreans_are_so_good_at_measuring/
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A Shetland pony walks into a bar..

He appears to have a bit of trouble ordering a drink. The bartender asks “are you alright?” To which the Shetland pony replies, “yeah, sorry mate. I’m a little hoarse”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfkypf/a_shetland_pony_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Whenever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad.

*Sometimes I even let her in.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfkxjf/whenever_it_rains_my_girlfriend_just_stands_at/
%
When the person who invented the USB drive dies...

They’ll lower his coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfkwiu/when_the_person_who_invented_the_usb_drive_dies/
%
After the resurrection from the dead, Jesus appeared to his disciples.

Jesus said: *"Peace be with you",*
and the disciples rejoiced. Simon stepped forward, troubled expression on his face and said: *"Jesus, was it me who betrayed you?"*
Jesus smiled and answered: *"No Simon, you did not betray me."*
Then John stepped forward and asked the same question as Simon, only to receive the same answer from Jesus: *"No John, you did not betray me."*
Soon most of the disciples had repeated the question, and Jesus gave them the same answer.
Then Judas stepped forward. Like others, he too had a troubled expression on his face. He said: "*Jesus, was it me who betrayed you?"*
Jesus turned towards Judas and said: *"jEsUs, WaS iT mE wHo BEtRAyEd yOu?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfkvq1/after_the_resurrection_from_the_dead_jesus/
%
What’s the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfkujj/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
%
How do fish get high?

Seaweed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfkpuv/how_do_fish_get_high/
%
Black Bear in Bar

A big black bear walks into a bar and orders a brown beer.
Bartender says, "we don't serve big black brown beers in this bar".
Bear says, "listen hear, I'm a big black bear and I want a brown beer, bartender" and the bear turns to the woman sitting next to him and eats her.
Bartender says, "we do NOT SERVE big black bears brown beers in this bar, especially when they're on drugs!"
Bear looks confused, "what makes you think I'm on drugs?"
Bartender responds, "that was a bar-bitch-you-ate".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfko7t/black_bear_in_bar/
%
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfko5a/a_farmer_goes_out_and_buys_a_new_young_rooster_as/
%
A child comes to a carnival on the night before his 14th birthday.

They go to the "I bet I can guess your age" booth. The man says, "13 years old."
"Aw, man. You got me." said the kid.
"Nice try.", the man said. "Come back next year."
"I will!" the kid said in response.
A few hours later, he comes back to the stand.
"I've seen you before. Aren't you 13?"
"Nope!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfkkj4/a_child_comes_to_a_carnival_on_the_night_before/
%
Where did the mansplainer get his water?

A well, actually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfkjhu/where_did_the_mansplainer_get_his_water/
%
What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?

Chardoneigh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfkha7/whats_a_horses_favorite_alcoholic_beverage/
%
Where can you read about the best hooker?

The Headlines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfkang/where_can_you_read_about_the_best_hooker/
%
A man and his wife are out on a date night at a bar.

A drunk comes up to his wife and starts hitting on her. “Baby I'd fill your bathtub with beer and drink all of it after...”, Her husband steps in and tells him to get lost.
Another drunk comes up. “Honey I will fill my swimming pool with beer for you to swim and drink all of it...” Her husband tells this dude to scram.
Finally another guy steps up and says, “Darling I'd like to fill your pussy up will beer and drink it all down.”
The wife stares at her husband who is just sitting there., Finally he says, “Honey aren't you going to tell off?”
He replies, “Hell no! I'm not going to fuck with a guy that can drink that much beer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfjx0t/a_man_and_his_wife_are_out_on_a_date_night_at_a/
%
I like my women how I like my coffee

Cheap and from a gas station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfjwkz/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
What’s the difference between North America and Yogurt?

If you leave them alone for 200 years, one of them will develop a culture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfjtbe/whats_the_difference_between_north_america_and/
%
What's black and white, red all over, and can't turn around in a hallway?

A nun with a spear through her
(Told this to a nun in highschool during class. She threw a blackboard eraser at me but laughed)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfjsng/whats_black_and_white_red_all_over_and_cant_turn/
%
How many buttholes can fit round a barstool?

Four of you flip it over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfjoe7/how_many_buttholes_can_fit_round_a_barstool/
%
A snail was mugged by two turtles.

When the police asked him what happened, he said, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfjhz6/a_snail_was_mugged_by_two_turtles/
%
My French girlfriend wanted to peg me using a baguette

We tried, but it wasn't really worth it. Turns out, it's a total pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfjhqe/my_french_girlfriend_wanted_to_peg_me_using_a/
%
What’s a mexican’s favorite book?

Tequila mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfj7y4/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_book/
%
What does a janitor say when he jumps out of a closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfj797/what_does_a_janitor_say_when_he_jumps_out_of_a/
%
Wonder Woman is laying on the beach naked.

Superman flys over and sees Wonder Woman speed eagle and naked with her eyes closed.  Superman says to himself, "I bet I can fly down there and bust a nut in her before she even realizes what happened.
He decides to go for it. He flys down and super bangs her faster than a speeding bullet and flys off.
She opens her eyes and exclaims, "what the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it felt like a jackhammer in my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfj6db/wonder_woman_is_laying_on_the_beach_naked/
%
What do bus drivers put on their morning pancakes?

Traffic jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfj3zp/what_do_bus_drivers_put_on_their_morning_pancakes/
%
What did the unluckiest lucky man do when he found the pill of immortality?

He choked on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfj39w/what_did_the_unluckiest_lucky_man_do_when_he/
%
A neutron walks into a bar...

Sits down and orders a whisky
The bartender says 'For you, no charge'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfiz5w/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A legless crossdresser?

Drag Queen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfit6z/a_legless_crossdresser/
%
What do you call a broke-down speedster?

A drag racer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfisfk/what_do_you_call_a_brokedown_speedster/
%
My professor has this weird habit of reading the news to us in class. Today he didn’t show up.

So a subreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfir9b/my_professor_has_this_weird_habit_of_reading_the/
%
'Son in Iraq i killed thirteen people'

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad:Never said I was a good one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfipp6/son_in_iraq_i_killed_thirteen_people/
%
Doggo!

Doctor: I’m sorry *puts hand on my shoulder* you’ll never walk again.
My dog: *kicks down hospital door* did someone say WALK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfijsu/doggo/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus...

It only takes one nail to hold up the painting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfijlm/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_painting/
%
I asked a girl, "Do you know the zip code for sex?"

She said, "No."
I told her, "No wonder you don't have any male in your box."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfiidf/i_asked_a_girl_do_you_know_the_zip_code_for_sex/
%
Three cheers for mediocrity!

We’re number two!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfihi1/three_cheers_for_mediocrity/
%
My father told me that I'm in the 1%

He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfiedh/my_father_told_me_that_im_in_the_1/
%
Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Her parents were in a jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfibyy/why_was_the_baby_strawberry_crying/
%
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left him.
I got this from an Easter cracker. It was pretty dark for Easter which made me laugh even harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfi9fx/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
A grumpy looking woman walks into Walmart with her two kids- one short kid, and one tall kid

"Uggghhh!" she lets out a hideous groan as she walks through the door.
"Oh what lovely twins you have!" says the Walmart greeter cheerfully.
"YOU IDIOT! CAN'T YOU TELL THEY'RE NOT TWINS?! THEY'RE NOT EVEN THE SAME HEIGHT!!" Says the woman, grumpily.
"Yes, I suppose you're right." says the Greeter. "It's just that. . . I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you more than once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfi2eg/a_grumpy_looking_woman_walks_into_walmart_with/
%
A neutron walks into a bar

and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfhz7k/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a Texas size dildo?

An arm a dildo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfhw5s/what_do_you_call_a_texas_size_dildo/
%
What is coding called on Tatooine?

Jabbascript

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfhqyx/what_is_coding_called_on_tatooine/
%
How do ducks smoke drugs?

With a quack pipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfhnlj/how_do_ducks_smoke_drugs/
%
In case of Taco emergency...

Dial 9 Juan Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfhl34/in_case_of_taco_emergency/
%
Where do prostitues go when they die?

Brothell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfhelp/where_do_prostitues_go_when_they_die/
%
A distressed woman visits a healer.

“Please, you have to help me. Every day when my husband comes home from work, he beats the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
The healer says: “You see, in every man’s soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger. My ancestors believed that all this violence is locked up behind the fah-kahb, the gate of wisdom. Well, what happens when a man’s fah-kahb breaks open? I think you know the answer. But don’t worry, I have a very strong potion that will protect you. Be warned though, it is also poisonous. Whatever you do, don’t swallow it. Just take a sip and keep it in your mouth. It will keep you safe until your husband goes to bed, then you can spit it out.”
And so he opens a drawer, gives her a little brown bottle and with another warning about never swallowing the potion, he sends her on her way.
The next day she comes back: “I can’t believe it. I tried the potion yesterday and my husband came home, gave me a kiss, made dinner, cleaned up afterwards and then poured a bath for me. I’ve never seen him so gentle and loving. You have to tell me how the potion works!”
“It just helps you shut the fah-kahb”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfhcc4/a_distressed_woman_visits_a_healer/
%
"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfh83b/mom_im_dating_a_man/
%
Two girls weent for a smoke

Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way to keep them dry, and they stood ankle deep in the waves and smoked. New girl was instantly hooked, and later that day, went to the pharamacy to also buy a condom to store her cigarettes in. With a predictable leer and wink, the cashier pointed behind him to the selection of condoms, and asked which kind she wanted:  watermelon flavor, magnum, ribbed condoms, ultra pleasure brand etc..
Squinting at the shelf, the girl replied: "I'm just looking for one that will fit a camel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfh6t6/two_girls_weent_for_a_smoke/
%
What do you call a blimp with lots of light-emitting diodes?

LED Zeppelin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfh4tp/what_do_you_call_a_blimp_with_lots_of/
%
A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfh3eh/a_boy_asked_his_bitcoininvesting_dad/
%
I went to pick up weed from my dealer.

He said it was gonna be $80. I asked him if eight tens would be okay. He said he would prefer four twenties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfgxpn/i_went_to_pick_up_weed_from_my_dealer/
%
My parents just told me...

that they love me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfgtgo/my_parents_just_told_me/
%
Mathematician stoners don't celebrate 4/20

They already celebrated 1/5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfgq51/mathematician_stoners_dont_celebrate_420/
%
Oh deer

A 911 operator gets a call.
"911, what's the emergency?"
"Oh man oh man oh man"
"Calm down, sir. What has happened?"
"I shot Bill. I think it's bad. He's bleeding all over the place"
"You shot him?"
"Yes yes yes. I shot him. Didn't mean to! My rifle slipped and when I grabbed for it, the darn thing went off."
"OK, are you at home, sir?"
"No we're in the forest, ma'am. Out hunting.... Oh man. It's bad isn't it?"
"Where was your friend hit?"
"Right in the gut."
"Alright sir. Is he breathing now?"
A moments rustle is heard
"I don't know. I think so. He ain't moving."
"OK, I want you to listen to me. I'll guide you through it."
"Are you guys coming?"
"Yes sir. An ambulance is on its way. But it's going to take a while to make it to you."
"OK, now listen carefully and do as I say."
"OK"
"First, you need to make sure he's really dead."
"OK, one sec."
Some more rustling is heard. Then a moment of silence - followed by a loud BLAM! Some more rustling, and then the caller is back on the line.
"OK, now what, ma'am?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfgm8u/oh_deer/
%
When does a regular joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline is a parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfgiym/when_does_a_regular_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
I finally came across an original joke about clocks.

It’s about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfgi3c/i_finally_came_across_an_original_joke_about/
%
The 6th grade science teacher asks her class a question.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfgbtx/the_6th_grade_science_teacher_asks_her_class_a/
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I noticed at the bookstore that the "Kama Sutra" and "The Mueller Report" are both in the erotica section

In both documents you can see someone who's totally fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfg9ri/i_noticed_at_the_bookstore_that_the_kama_sutra/
%
How do you make Easter easier?

Just replace the “t” with an “i”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfg74d/how_do_you_make_easter_easier/
%
What’s the similarity between girls into nail art and Germans?

Both remove polish with chemicals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfg4ne/whats_the_similarity_between_girls_into_nail_art/
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Rich, Dave, and Johnny are contractors.

Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Dave also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Johnny doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
Johnny whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the other guy to fix the fence for $700.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfg1k4/rich_dave_and_johnny_are_contractors/
%
[NSFW] A man goes to find out why his son got fired from his job at a restaurant

The owner tells him “I found him in the store room with the potato peeler stuck up his arse.”
The father says “that’s odd, can I examine the potato peeler?”
The owner replies “I’m afraid not, I had to fire him too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfg0yp/nsfw_a_man_goes_to_find_out_why_his_son_got_fired/
%
Did you hear about the rope that won't pick up it's own slack?

Some things just can't be taught.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfg0gd/did_you_hear_about_the_rope_that_wont_pick_up_its/
%
What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water?

It’s going to take a while to get me hard. I just got layed by some chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bffzx1/what_did_the_easter_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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My little sister is WAY into frozen too much

I told her to let it go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bffyp5/my_little_sister_is_way_into_frozen_too_much/
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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing golf.

They were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.”
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bffx3q/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_are_playing_golf/
%
A man and his wife are sitting on their yacht

Man: It’s so relaxing on this ‘yakt’
Woman: The ‘c’ is silent
Man: Yes, yes it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bffpbn/a_man_and_his_wife_are_sitting_on_their_yacht/
%
Who do you buy an owl toilet seat for?

A wise ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bffns9/who_do_you_buy_an_owl_toilet_seat_for/
%
My wife told me she wanted me to treat her like a queen.

So I had her executed with the guillotine for betraying the revolution and promoting undemocratic, outdated ideas.
Long live the republic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bffia6/my_wife_told_me_she_wanted_me_to_treat_her_like_a/
%
Ahh. 4/20

The day people who smoke weed daily, smoke weed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bffg3a/ahh_420/
%
I had to tell my doctor, I’m addicted to Twitter

She said , “ Sorry, I don’t follow you”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfffmf/i_had_to_tell_my_doctor_im_addicted_to_twitter/
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There was once an Indian called ‘One Stone’

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.   Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.   Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?   You can't kill two birds with one stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bffeaw/there_was_once_an_indian_called_one_stone/
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My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bffc9b/my_mom_used_to_feed_me_by_saying_here_comes_the/
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I wanna die in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bffaof/i_wanna_die_in_my_sleep_like_my_grandfather/
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Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bff8qo/why_do_french_people_eat_snails/
%
I just visited a zoo that had a dog exhibit

It was a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bff7js/i_just_visited_a_zoo_that_had_a_dog_exhibit/
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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
*Moral of the story:*
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
**Lesson 2:**
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
*Moral of the story:*
Always let your boss have the first say
**Lesson 3:**
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,” Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
*Moral of the story:*
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
**Lesson 4**
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
*Moral of the story:*
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up
**Lesson 5:**
Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
*Moral of the story:*
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
**Lesson 6**
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
*Moral of the story:*
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bff757/6_life_lessons/
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I'm not a fan of Trump, but I'd never denigrate his supporters

If you're a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bff380/im_not_a_fan_of_trump_but_id_never_denigrate_his/
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After you die, what part of your body continues to work?

Your pupils. They dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bff04e/after_you_die_what_part_of_your_body_continues_to/
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I got my friend a telepathic abacus for his birthday.

It's the thought that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfexof/i_got_my_friend_a_telepathic_abacus_for_his/
%
What do you call security at Samsung?

Guardians of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfex6f/what_do_you_call_security_at_samsung/
%
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?

A skipping stone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfewib/what_do_you_call_a_rock_that_never_goes_to_school/
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The brothel parrot

A woman had been a housewife for years and was tired of her quiet, lonely days. So she decided to buy a talking parrot. Excitedly, she went down to the pet store and made her case to the owner.
"Well..." said the storekeep slowly. "I do have a parrot that talks, and he's really clever... It's just that he used to live in a brothel, so his vocabulary is a bit colorful."
The woman hesitated for a moment, but reassured herself that she'd be able to retrain the parrot in no time. She paid and brought the bird home in its cage. Once her new friend was in place in the living room, she pulled the cloth off the cage. The parrot blinked and looked around.
"Ooh!" it squawked. "New house!"
Then it saw the woman.
"Ooh! New madam!"
Then the woman's teenaged daughter came into the room to check out the new pet.
"Ooh! New girls!"
Then the woman's husband came into the room.
"Aha, same old clients! Hiya, Larry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfeu0t/the_brothel_parrot/
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"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it to work here."

\-"But I never went to college."
\-"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfescx/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of..

tattoos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bferdy/i_think_its_pretty_cool_how_the_chinese_made_a/
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Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like  hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT  getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,  don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfelgp/scotish_dad_calls_his_son_in_london_the_day/
%
Saw my violin teacher on the 9 o’clock news

He was fiddling with the kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfehsw/saw_my_violin_teacher_on_the_9_oclock_news/
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My wife opened my car door for me

It would’ve been a nice gesture if we hadn’t been going 70 miles per hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfehmr/my_wife_opened_my_car_door_for_me/
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After I won the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Now I’m permanently banned from the bowling tournament.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfeej4/after_i_won_the_game_i_decided_to_throw_the_ball/
%
How do trains eat?

They chew-chew.
Also, what did the train do at happy hour?
It chugged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfedni/how_do_trains_eat/
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No wonder the Catholic church needed to raise so much money for Notre Dame.

Insurance companies won't pay for "Acts of God" claims on a church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfebak/no_wonder_the_catholic_church_needed_to_raise_so/
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Cardi B. and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

...I forgot the rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfe7vm/cardi_b_and_bill_cosby_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How's the archeologist doing?

His life's work is in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfe4yj/hows_the_archeologist_doing/
%
How do you stop a bull from charging?

You shoot it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfe46j/how_do_you_stop_a_bull_from_charging/
%
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture.
Happy Easter everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfe40a/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening me, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfe2e9/my_girlfriend_yelled_at_me_today_saying_you/
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You can't spell advertisements without semen..

..between the tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfe2b4/you_cant_spell_advertisements_without_semen/
%
After a person dies, what part of their body is the last to stop working?

Their eyes. They dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfdrms/after_a_person_dies_what_part_of_their_body_is/
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My girlfriend just broke up with me, so I stole her wheel chair...

Guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfdi9q/my_girlfriend_just_broke_up_with_me_so_i_stole/
%
We should have known the Soviet Union would collapse.

There were a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfdgia/we_should_have_known_the_soviet_union_would/
%
Mum: "Heard about Notre Dame? It caught fire during renovations..."

Dad: "Yeah, they say that it was an accident; I say arson."
Son:"Wait, no."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfdfmz/mum_heard_about_notre_dame_it_caught_fire_during/
%
Happy cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy walks into a bar, looking as happy as can be. Another man sitting down asks him,
“What on Earth could you be so happy for?”
The cowboy promptly answers with “I just untied a woman from the train tracks and proceeded to have sex with her”
The other man, astonished, asks for more details.
The cowboy proceeds to tell the other man all the positions they did it in, the silkiness of her skin, etc.
The other man, now excited, asks “Well did she give you head?”
“No, I couldn’t find it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfddrt/happy_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfd7bu/apparently_danny_devito_is_casting_a_new_film/
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Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]
A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far side of the bar, and he notices a large jar jam packed full of 20s and 10s.
He waves to his friends to let them know he'll be there in a moment as he turns to the bartender pointing at the jar full of cash and he says. "Hey, what's this about?"
The bartender smiles and points at the jar with a soft chuckle. "That's the bar's challenge, you pay 30 bucks to hear the challenge just like everybody else, then I give you three challenges, if you complete all three you get to keep the whole jar. There's gotta be over 5 grand in there by now."
The man looks it over and grins, he's usually pretty good at this sort of stuff and he has some cash to burn so he goes to his wallet and hands over 30 bucks. The bartender opens the jar, putting the money inside and he says. "Ok, the first challenge is you gotta chug this 40 of 120 proof vodka in a single breath..."
The man cringes already feeling like he's lost, but the bartender continues. "Second... we got Ole Pete out back, my Pitbull, he's got a bad tooth, you gotta go out back and pull his tooth without dying of course. Then third and finally, my grandma is upstairs... and well, she hasn't gotten any since the 60s. That one speaks for itself..."
Recoiling the man wore a very sour face and asked for his money back, but the bartender just laughed and shook his head. The man figured it was the rules, the money was as good as gone, so he went to his friends and started drinking.
Hours passed and the man started to get a shade or two more brave with the help of a few rounds, talking with his friends finally he rounded up a hefty level of bravado and came back to the bartender.
"Yo! Does my money still count? Can I do the challenge?"
The bartender looked at him with a smile, laughing and shrugging. "Sure, go for it kid..."
The bartender slid the 40 of vodka his way and the man tipped it up and miraculously drained it all in one breath with ease. This got everyone's attention and he strutted to the back door. The whole bar murmured as he went out back and they heard Ole Pete savagely growling and barking.
There were some worried voices but suddenly they heard a yip and some yelping before the man came back in triumphantly roaring. The whole bar lit up with applause and joined in his revelry.
The man smiled wide, turning to the bartender and shouted with fervor in his voice. "Aye! Now where's that grandma with a bad tooth?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfd6yc/bad_tooth_nsfw/
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Punny Ant Jokes

What is the dumbest ant?
Ignorant.
What is the bossier ant?
Tyrant.
How many insects does it take to make a landlord?
Ten ants.
What ant is the biggest?
Elephant.
What ant is a military officer?
Sergeant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfd5yu/punny_ant_jokes/
%
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfd5mt/my_sister_bet_me_15_that_i_couldnt_build_a_car/
%
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfd50t/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
%
Apparently I snore so loudly that..

it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfd1b7/apparently_i_snore_so_loudly_that/
%
Why did SpaceX go to Mars?

Because SpaceY already went to Uranus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfd1a8/why_did_spacex_go_to_mars/
%
People who get offended by crucifixion jokes seem rather cross.

I don't get what their hangup is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcwqr/people_who_get_offended_by_crucifixion_jokes_seem/
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Recently I got divorced

Last week was my birthday, my wife and kids forgot to wish me, my parents forgot as well, I did not get any calls from friends or family, my co-workers didn't even look at me. I was very depressed. Then my boss came and wished me "HAPPY BIRTHDAY", I was overjoyed. She took me to dinner, we talked for about an hour. Then she asked me to over to her place. So we wen there, had a bottle of wine, then she said " I will be back", and went to her bedroom. 5 minutes later my wife, kids, parents, close friends, co-workers and close family came out of the room with a huge birthday cake singing "Happy Birthday" while I was lying on the sofa........Naked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcutc/recently_i_got_divorced/
%
‪A student dies from exhaustion after being forced to write 1,000 lines on the chalkboard in detention.‬

Later in court, the judge rules that the teacher be given an equal punishment.
So the teacher is sentenced to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcuh4/a_student_dies_from_exhaustion_after_being_forced/
%
Why do policemen suck at 8-ball pool?

Because they always shoot the 8 first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfct30/why_do_policemen_suck_at_8ball_pool/
%
How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him 'services' on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcsha/how_the_germans_bailed_out_greece/
%
Terrorists are mindblowing

Literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcrkk/terrorists_are_mindblowing/
%
What’s 72?

A 69 with 3 people watching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcphj/whats_72/
%
What happens when you fart next to vanilla ice?

He farts almost exactly like you, and argues there was 1extra note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcpg5/what_happens_when_you_fart_next_to_vanilla_ice/
%
Toilets, they take the piss . . .

Then again, I do give them shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcpeg/toilets_they_take_the_piss/
%
Elephant Stew

## Ingredients
* 1 Elephant
* Brown gravy, and lots of it
* Salt and pepper to taste
* 2 Rabbits (optional)
## Directions
Cut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.
This should take about 2 months.
Add enough brown gravy to cover,
cook over kerosene fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees F.
This will serve 3800 people.
If more are expected, two rabbits may be added, but do this only if necessary,
as most people do not want to find hare in their stew.
This recipe card is framed on my grandmother's kitchen wall, and I thought it was the funniest thing since elementary school. Enjoy everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcntx/elephant_stew/
%
How did the Russian mathematician celebrate 4/20?

He drank a fifth of vodka.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcmpn/how_did_the_russian_mathematician_celebrate_420/
%
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

Shakespear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcm88/what_do_you_call_a_nervous_javelin_thrower/
%
What do you call somebody who says they are Swedish but really aren't?

An artificial Swedener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcjaq/what_do_you_call_somebody_who_says_they_are/
%
Johann Sebastian Bach was not a rich man

In fact, he was pretty baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfch58/johann_sebastian_bach_was_not_a_rich_man/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcdtf/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcc8m/i_thought_my_son_was_spending_way_too_much_time/
%
"Dad, why did you put lipstick on your head?"

"Because your mother told me to makeup my mind"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfcb2e/dad_why_did_you_put_lipstick_on_your_head/
%
Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professor: "Did you run the substitution matrices on the message?"
Intern: "Yes, Professor I ran it across all languages but this message doesn't make any sense in any language."
Professor: "Hmm. Maybe you should try the ancient languages database. In ancient times the civilization was not very careful in keeping their radio signatures quiet, so a lot of ancient language noise was accidentally transmitted across the Galaxy"
Intern: "Oh, right! I didn't even think about that. I'll do that right away."
A couple of hours later,
Intern: "Professor, the database is antiquated, but my analysis predicts that the top hit is to this language called English which was prevalent around 20K earth-years ago"
Professor: "What does the translation say?"
Intern: "That's the thing, the message doesn't make any sense to me. It says, NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfc9ml/twenty_thousand_years_into_the_future/
%
I always listen to mumble rap when I’m studying.

It’s a constant reminder on why it is important to get educated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfc583/i_always_listen_to_mumble_rap_when_im_studying/
%
What do you call a group of attractive, promiscuous witches?

An Easy Bae Coven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfc486/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_attractive/
%
Justice is a dish best served cold

because, if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfc290/justice_is_a_dish_best_served_cold/
%
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it..

We went and had some drinks. Nice guy. Wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfc254/my_wife_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead_of/
%
I just saw some idiot at the gym

he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfc1il/i_just_saw_some_idiot_at_the_gym/
%
Light travels faster than sound.

That is why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbzwu/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
My brother went to jail.

He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall.
I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbzbb/my_brother_went_to_jail/
%
A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”
“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”
“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their intestines?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbyq8/a_mom_shark_is_teaching_her_son_how_to_hunt/
%
It was autumn, and the natives on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.
A few days later, as a practical afterthought, he called the National Weather Service and asked whether they were forecasting a cold winter. The meteorologist replied that, indeed, he thought the winter would be quite cold. The chief advised the tribe to stock even more wood.
A couple of weeks later, the chief checked in again with the
Weather Service. “Does it still look like a cold winter?” asked the
chief.
“It sure does,” replied the meteorologist. “It looks like a very
cold winter.” The chief advised the tribe to gather up every scrap
of wood they could find.
A couple of weeks later, the chief called the Weather Service
again and asked how the winter was looking at that point. The
meteorologist said, “We’re now forecasting that it will be one of
the coldest winters on record!”
“Really?” said the chief. “How can you be so sure?”
The meteorologist replied, “The natives are collecting wood
like crazy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfby9m/it_was_autumn_and_the_natives_on_the_reservation/
%
After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"
Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbx4m/after_being_single_for_ages_my_best_mate_said_can/
%
I recently started a literature group for inmates

It's got it's prose and cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbwob/i_recently_started_a_literature_group_for_inmates/
%
How any tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh ?

Ten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbwnb/how_any_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
What do you call a joke that abandons you?

A dadjoke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbuhw/what_do_you_call_a_joke_that_abandons_you/
%
Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Simple. Just switch off the lights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbtkj/fastest_way_to_stop_an_argument_between_a_bunch/
%
Turns out my uncle's birthday falls on the same day as my boyfriend's

Now I don't know who to celebrate it with, the one who took my virginity, or my boyfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbtdf/turns_out_my_uncles_birthday_falls_on_the_same/
%
What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, he wouldn't be able to open it anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbt19/what_do_you_give_an_armless_child_for_christmas/
%
Why is “dark” spelt with a ‘k’ and not a ‘c’?

You can’t see in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbrbz/why_is_dark_spelt_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
%
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbqye/i_remember_being_a_kid_and_my_parents_filling_my/
%
Dave walks into an art gallery.

Dave : I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer : I beg your pardon sir, that is a mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbo3p/dave_walks_into_an_art_gallery/
%
The LAST Last Supper

On the eve of his crucifixion, Christ gathered his disciples for a final meal.
As he broke bread, Christ turned to the table and said, "On this night, one of you shall betray me."
There is a panicked murmur among the disciples.
Finally Peter steps forward. "Is it I, Lord? Am I the one to betray you?"
"Of course not, Peter," Christ said. "Your faith is the foundation of our new church."
Feeling sheepish, Thomas next stepped forward. "Is it me, Lord? Am I the betrayer?"
"No Thomas," Christ said. "You doubted once, but your faith is now solid."
Judas - knowing full well what was happening - clears his throat. "Is it I, Lord? Am I the one to betray you?"
Christ turns to Judas and, with a mocking smirk, says, "OH, 'IS IT I, LORD?! AM I THE ONE TO BETRAY YOU?!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbmvs/the_last_last_supper/
%
I didn't understand why the doctor prescribed me LSD for my constipation....

...until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbmgb/i_didnt_understand_why_the_doctor_prescribed_me/
%
What does the p in Facebook mean?

Privacy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbjhv/what_does_the_p_in_facebook_mean/
%
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I’ve never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbij2/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
Alligator Show

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.".
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbfn8/alligator_show/
%
What does Quasimodo have?

Notre Dame thing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbet6/what_does_quasimodo_have/
%
A goalkeeper hosted a celebratory dinner at his house after his team won the league championship.

Before dinner, he asked the coach to say grace. The coach concluded his prayer by saying, “We ask that you bless this food in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the goalie host.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbdqp/a_goalkeeper_hosted_a_celebratory_dinner_at_his/
%
Blondes know Easter

Three blondes die and go to St. Peter. He says, "I have one question, and if you get it right, I will let you into Heaven."
He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
She answers, "That's the time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey."
St. Peter says to the next blonde, "What is Easter?"
She answers, "That's the time of year when the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney and our family gets together to open presents."
St. Peter asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?"
She says, "That's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb behind a rock."
"That's right!" exclaims St. Peter excitingly “Get those 2 other morons here to listen to this women.”
"Then, once a year," continues the third blonde, "we roll the stone away and he comes out, and if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbbmv/blondes_know_easter/
%
Holding your breath is a reliable cure for the hiccups

....though now that I think on it, it cures just about every other ailment too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfbbdp/holding_your_breath_is_a_reliable_cure_for_the/
%
I've been living in stockholm for 30 years now.

Once visited here for the attractions, then stayed here for the syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfb7k5/ive_been_living_in_stockholm_for_30_years_now/
%
Why couldn't Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfb5wk/why_couldnt_oedipus_swear/
%
Two presidential aides are having coffee in a back room at the White House. “Sometimes I wish we worked for the pope and not the president,” one of them says.

“Why?” asks the second aide.
“Because then we’d only have to kiss his ring.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfb5mj/two_presidential_aides_are_having_coffee_in_a/
%
A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a massive high-rise building.

He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “Would you like to buy a top-of-the-line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”
“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” the man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You’re out of your mind.”
“All right then,” the salesman continues, “then how about a fresh-baked brownie for a dollar?” The man thinks it over and says, “Okay, why not?”
The salesman hands over the brownie. The man takes a bite and spits it out onto the floor in the hallway.
“My god, that tastes like crap!” he yells.
“Well, that’s because it is crap,” the salesman explains. “So can I interest you in a toothbrush?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfb525/a_salesman_is_peddling_his_goods_from_door_to/
%
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.

We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”
“Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”
“Oh, no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfb411/a_man_phones_home_from_the_office_and_tells_his/
%
Weed Joke for 4/20

Don't walk on the grass. Trip on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfb1fu/weed_joke_for_420/
%
And the Lord said unto John, “Come fourth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth, and only won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfb0b5/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_fourth_and_you/
%
Hey girl, are you burning church

Cause notre daaammnn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfayk2/hey_girl_are_you_burning_church/
%
A boy is at school, and they start the day by telling riddles

The boy says: it goes in, it goes out! The teacher becomes red and angry. Get out! The teacher said. So the boy goes onto the hallway. There he meets the principle, who asks him what he is doing there. I got send out of class, because I asked: it goes in, it goes out! The principal get angry, and says: go home. So he goes home. That day he arrives way too early, and his mother asks him why. Well, the boy explains, I got send home for asking: it goes in, it goes out! What! His mother says. Go to your room! Once there, he sighs: all that effort just for a teabag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfaxjt/a_boy_is_at_school_and_they_start_the_day_by/
%
A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming home before him.
At last he decides to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, and another right and so on until he reaches what he thinks is a perfect spot and drops the cat there. Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asks her, “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes, why do you ask?” answers the wife.
Frustrated, the man says, “Put that cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfavqh/a_man_hates_his_wifes_cat_with_a_passion_and/
%
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off.

She said, "I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfavbr/i_asked_my_wife_how_to_turn_alexa_off/
%
What is an iPhone without me?

Phone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfaux2/what_is_an_iphone_without_me/
%
An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”
The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”
While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfarz8/an_amish_boy_and_his_father_are_visiting_a_nearby/
%
Quasimodo goes to the doctors with back pain

The doctor tells him to remove his clothes, and he reluctantly agrees and starts undressing, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 tshirts,  and reveals yet another coat...
The Doctor says "Hold on Quasi, hold on!", "why are you wearing so many clothes?"
Quasi says he never got undressed since the day the hump had appeared, so to hide it he just kept putting more clothes on top of the old ones.
The doctor asked "When did you start doing this?"
Quasi said "Back when I was at school"
The doctor said "Didn't you ever wonder where your damn schoolbag had gone!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfarh6/quasimodo_goes_to_the_doctors_with_back_pain/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfar9m/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?

Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfaqw3/what_does_a_womans_pussy_and_a_chainsaw_have_in/
%
I was gonna tell a time travelling joke..

.. but you guys didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfaqv8/i_was_gonna_tell_a_time_travelling_joke/
%
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”
“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfaqmr/a_man_is_explaining_to_his_coworker_that_he_never/
%
Story of three stoners...

Three stoners buy a horse.
They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.
One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.
While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.
They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke from the bong.
Eventually, they detach muzzle the horse and the horse's eyes get bloodshot, it is visibly high.
As a consequence, the horse starts talking:
"You have awakened me", the horse says.
The stoners, shocked, reply, "whoa, you can talk?" In unison.
The horse proceeds to tell them that they must jerk him off or die.
The first stoner says "nuh-uh, i aint like that", and the horse mauls him and chews his face, killing him slowly.
The second stoner tries to escape, screaming "Id rather die than jerk off a horse!"
The horse opens a safe, takes out a shotgun, and unloads a shell into the second stoner, making him slowly bleed out to death.
The third stoner, horrified, approaches the horse and fulfills the act until the horse is finished. The horse then spares the third stoner, and leaves him a diamond worth a great fortune.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should get off your high horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfapyt/story_of_three_stoners/
%
What do you call a chlamydia-infected photographer whose father has the runs?

A snap-happy clappy chappie with a crappy pappy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfapo1/what_do_you_call_a_chlamydiainfected_photographer/
%
While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several gorgeous nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them.

“Oh, nothing,” she says with a chuckle. “We just use it to keep the doctors away.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfapf9/while_visiting_a_friend_in_the_hospital_a_young/
%
Wife: "Come over"

Husband: "I'm coming over"
Wife: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfaohg/wife_come_over/
%
Advantage of having childs from multiple husbands

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids. The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.
The waitress asks, "Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"
"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time."
"But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks.
"Well, then I just call them by their last names."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfante/advantage_of_having_childs_from_multiple_husbands/
%
Why did the Italian man shout "Bigamist!" ?

There was a thick fog approaching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfan6p/why_did_the_italian_man_shout_bigamist/
%
What you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for decades ?

Church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfam1y/what_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on_one/
%
Restaurant menu [NSFW]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfalhb/restaurant_menu_nsfw/
%
If a deaf kid swears in sign language,

does his mom wash his hands with soap?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfakmq/if_a_deaf_kid_swears_in_sign_language/
%
I really hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfajtp/i_really_hope_elon_musk_never_gets_involved_in_a/
%
Young cowboy

This young Cowboy in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young Cowboy walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young Cowboy. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Definitely," said the old man. The young Cowboy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man. The young Cowboy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young Cowboy didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfacp2/young_cowboy/
%
A German meets a fairy who is stuck in thorns

It said: Can you help me?
The German answered: What do I get?
The fairy said: You will have a wish fulfilled!
So the German helps her and wished to be a prince who lives in a great castle with an beautiful princess. Then he falls asleep.
When he wakes up, a beautiful princess is looking at him. He is in a beautiful castle.
The princess said: Time to wake up Franz Ferdinand, we are going to Sarajevo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfabl2/a_german_meets_a_fairy_who_is_stuck_in_thorns/
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As Notre Dame burns, a terrified Quasimodo climbs higher and higher to escape the flames

but of course the poor creature is hopelessly trapped, and the crowd gathering below yell "Jump, Quasimodo! Jump!"
Quasimodo jerks his thumb over his shoulder, yells "Harroo hink hirris, a hucking harra hoo?" and climbs still higher.
Again the flames pursue him, and again the crowd calls out "Jump, Quasimodo! Jump!"
And again Quasimodo jerks his thumb over his shoulder, yells "Harroo hink hirris, a hucking harra hoo?" and climbs still higher.
"What is Quasimodo saying?" the crowd exclaims. "Quickly, send for the priest! He's the only man in the world who can understand Quasimodo!"
So the kindly man of God is sent for, and to the hush of the crowd he calls out "Quasimodo, you are going to be burned! You must jump now!"
And yet again Quasimodo jerks his thumb over his shoulder, yells "Harroo hink hirris, a hucking harra hoo?" and climbs still higher.
"What did he say?" asks someone in the crowd; and the priest says:
--"What do you think this is, a fucking parachute?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfaaml/as_notre_dame_burns_a_terrified_quasimodo_climbs/
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There were two siblings named Lee and Ling.

Lee and Ling were very close and as a result, they liked the same things and were very similar people. Lee decided that he wanted to change his name to Ving so that their names would rhyme, but they father disapproved of this. Since Lee really wanted to change his name, he and Ling snuck out together to get his name changed. They get to the building and as Ling pays the fee, their father enters the room and says,
“Don’t, stop! Be Lee, Ving! Hold on to that fee, Ling!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfaagy/there_were_two_siblings_named_lee_and_ling/
%
What is Norway?

It is how a Geordie expresses disbelief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfa4u6/what_is_norway/
%
What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bfa2iq/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_that_takes_care_of/
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What do you call a STD passed only between women?

A Ladybug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf9xm3/what_do_you_call_a_std_passed_only_between_women/
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A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse

But She was just pullin my leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf9wu7/a_blind_girl_once_told_me_i_was_hung_like_a_horse/
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BJ: Dad why did you name me BJ?

Dad: Because I wished you were one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf9ri8/bj_dad_why_did_you_name_me_bj/
%
Did you hear about the man with 5 penises?

His pants fit him like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf9r6i/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_5_penises/
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Birhtday Present

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year ! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf9ovp/birhtday_present/
%
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform,

I thought it was a bit odd.
Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf9ou4/yesterday_i_saw_a_police_officer_wearing_a_pilots/
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Politics explained!

A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf9kxv/politics_explained/
%
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason

Me too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf9k33/sometimes_i_talk_to_myself_for_no_reason/
%
Professor: What inspired you to write this essay?

Student: The due date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf9jmj/professor_what_inspired_you_to_write_this_essay/
%
If I had a nickel for every math test I've failed...

I'd have $0.63 by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf9d6u/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_math_test_ive_failed/
%
A man walks into a pub....

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf9c5o/a_man_walks_into_a_pub/
%
When somebody calls you gay

say, "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf9blq/when_somebody_calls_you_gay/
%
My friend keeps boasting that he's got a 3 foot tall pack of cards

Big deal...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf98yd/my_friend_keeps_boasting_that_hes_got_a_3_foot/
%
Have I told you about my two gay Irish friends?

Their names were Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf96az/have_i_told_you_about_my_two_gay_irish_friends/
%
How can you tell if your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf93oz/how_can_you_tell_if_your_roommate_is_gay/
%
Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you."
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8xv9/jesus_is_watching_you/
%
A Blonde orders a pizza

and the man taking the order asks, "Do you want it cut into 6 slices or 12?"
The Blonde replies, "You better make it 6; I could never eat 12."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8vv9/a_blonde_orders_a_pizza/
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What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8vsu/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
%
Eventually, Quasimodo dies and the Bishop immediately decides to hold auditions for the position of Notre Dame's bellringer.

After all, nobody lives forever.  The bishop posted flyers all over Paris and the French countryside in the hopes that somebody, anybody could be half as good as Quasimodo was.
At the end of the day after a long week of holding auditions for disappointment after disappointment, the Bishop is afraid no one will be able to ring the bells of Notre Dame the way Quasimodo could, but at that very moment, a man walked into the cathedral and announced that he would like to audition.  Immediately, the Bishop was taken aback, as this man very clearly had no arms.
The Bishop asked him- "how do you plan to replace Quasimodo as bellringer if you have no arms?" To which the man replied, "I can show you I can do the job, if you'll only give me a chance."
The Bishop was tired and ready to go home, but he decided to give the man a shot- after all, God works in mysterious ways, and if nothing else, watching this man attempt to ring the bells of Notre Dame would provide him with a little entertainment.  The pair climbed the bell tower, at which point the Bishop smugly gestured toward the dumbbell the man was to use.
The man said, "no no, I don't need that.  I'll get started." And after stretching and warming up, the man began to hit his head on the bells of Notre Dame.  And the sounds he created with his head were more beautiful than the townspeople had heard since before Quasimodo had died.
With tears in his eyes, the bishop ecstatically told the unknown man that he had passed with flying colors and could start whenever he wished.  The man, taken aback by his good fortune, was overcome, and fainted, at which point he fell out of the bell tower to the street below.
By the time the Bishop made it to the street, the man was long dead and a crowd had begun to form around his body.  As the Bishop fought his way through the crowd, he realized that no one knew who the man was.  One of the townspeople asked the Bishop if he knew who this man was, to which he replied: "I have no idea.  But his face sure rings a bell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8vnf/eventually_quasimodo_dies_and_the_bishop/
%
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8vg3/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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How come Hurricanes are usually named after women?

At first they are wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house, your car, and sometimes your kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8v27/how_come_hurricanes_are_usually_named_after_women/
%
What's the gayest kind of yogurt?

Fruit on the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8q0c/whats_the_gayest_kind_of_yogurt/
%
Did you hear about the stage production called “Dictionary”?

It’s a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8p15/did_you_hear_about_the_stage_production_called/
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What is the most sensitive part of a boy when he is masturbating?

His ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8opj/what_is_the_most_sensitive_part_of_a_boy_when_he/
%
What's the best type of weed from Canada?

Sorry Bud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8oid/whats_the_best_type_of_weed_from_canada/
%
My girlfriend asked me, “When’s the best time to smoke weed?”

“When?”
“It’s when I’m..weed you.”
Happy 4/20 folks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8lcm/my_girlfriend_asked_me_whens_the_best_time_to/
%
A dude wanted some weed for a kickback. The seller asked him, “how much”

He responded, “for twenty”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8j0m/a_dude_wanted_some_weed_for_a_kickback_the_seller/
%
I'm a foot fetishist and I cheated on my wife while she was introducing me to her friends.

I must've got off on the wrong foot...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8inb/im_a_foot_fetishist_and_i_cheated_on_my_wife/
%
Why should you finger a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8hic/why_should_you_finger_a_gypsy_on_her_period/
%
What did the virus say to the PC?

I fucked your motherboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8gqf/what_did_the_virus_say_to_the_pc/
%
A woman went to the gynecologist [NSFW]

A woman went to the gynecologist complaining she kept finding Puerto Rican stamps in her vagina.
The doctor says, “Ma’am, these are banana stickers.”
Shout out to my brother for this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8fva/a_woman_went_to_the_gynecologist_nsfw/
%
Rumor has it that Jesus got so hammered on Good Friday that he didn’t wake up for 3 days.

Easter Joke... Nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8fql/rumor_has_it_that_jesus_got_so_hammered_on_good/
%
A dead ethopian left behind an unfinished bucket list

1. Eat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf8aum/a_dead_ethopian_left_behind_an_unfinished_bucket/
%
I like bone/skeleton jokes.

I find them rather “humerus”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf87pa/i_like_boneskeleton_jokes/
%
two blondes are having an intimate conversation...

blonde 1:  my boyfriend has dandruff, what can I do to help him?
blonde 2:  give him head and shoulders.
blonde 1:  OK but... how do I give him shoulders?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf81h9/two_blondes_are_having_an_intimate_conversation/
%
What do you call an area where multiple horses live?

A neiiiighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf80ty/what_do_you_call_an_area_where_multiple_horses/
%
There was a panda

The panda liked to eat alone. So the panda walked into this restaurant and ordered something to eat. The waiter brings it to him and he eats it. When the waiter comes back the panda is finished and asks him if he’s ready to pay. The panda then brings out a gun and shoots the water. The panda then leaves.
**1month later**
Cops find the panda and arrest him. They interrogate the panda asking why he shot the waiter. The panda said “Look me up in the dictionary” the cops responded “why?” The panda responded with the same response so they did. The cops gasped “Oh” *the dictionary said “Panda : eats shoots and leaves”
MFW panda commits murder because stereotypes said so

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf7zlm/there_was_a_panda/
%
Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey?

He is afraid of getting nailed into the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf7z2j/why_doesnt_jesus_play_hockey/
%
*CLICK*

My friend:hey can I tell you a joke
Me:uh sure?
My friend:what has a little penis and hangs down?
Me:what?
My friend:a bat
Me:anything else
My friend:of course, what has a big penis and hangs up
Me: what?
*CLICK*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf7xn9/click/
%
What do you call a black man that flies planes?

A pilot, you fucking racist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf7xfv/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_that_flies_planes/
%
Need your eggs fertilized this Easter?

I've got a cock for that.  Just needs grains 2x a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf7veu/need_your_eggs_fertilized_this_easter/
%
What's the first thing you do when the strip club is on fire?

You get the hoes out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf7tds/whats_the_first_thing_you_do_when_the_strip_club/
%
What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

**Reintarnation**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf7oxd/what_is_it_called_when_you_die_and_come_back_as_a/
%
What’s a pirates favorite letter of the alphabet?

No, not arrrrrrrrrrr.
It’s the C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf7o8y/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter_of_the_alphabet/
%
One good thing about getting old and losing memory.

I can hide my own Easter eggs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf7fas/one_good_thing_about_getting_old_and_losing_memory/
%
What has a bottom at the top?

A leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf7cuu/what_has_a_bottom_at_the_top/
%
The last thing a stud horse is looking for...

is a stable relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf79ho/the_last_thing_a_stud_horse_is_looking_for/
%
A blood walks into a bar

A crip walks into a car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf7909/a_blood_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I have a PhD

Public Highschool Diploma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf77s7/i_have_a_phd/
%
How can you tell if a guy is gay for sure?

His dick will taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf76hi/how_can_you_tell_if_a_guy_is_gay_for_sure/
%
Never Trust a Train

They have Loco Motives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf73b9/never_trust_a_train/
%
What do Indians say when they are surprised?

Holy cow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf6zrs/what_do_indians_say_when_they_are_surprised/
%
Girlfriend wanted a smoking hot body.

So I cremated her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf6yf6/girlfriend_wanted_a_smoking_hot_body/
%
Did you hear about the girl who got in an accident riding a stoned stallion?

She got knocked off her high horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf6rg1/did_you_hear_about_the_girl_who_got_in_an/
%
Why did the rooster go to KFC?

He wanted to see a chicken strip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf6nlq/why_did_the_rooster_go_to_kfc/
%
What goes from green to red at the flick of a switch?

A frog in a blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf6l45/what_goes_from_green_to_red_at_the_flick_of_a/
%
Yo Mama's so fat...

She asked the Sorting Hat to put her in Waffle House.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf6ikn/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
An NSA Walks into a bar.

“Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!” the barman says.
The NSA smiles. “Heard it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf6dtt/an_nsa_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a optician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf6cqh/i_bumped_into_an_old_school_friend_today/
%
If love is grand, what is divorce?

At least a hundred grand, maybe more...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf6b1n/if_love_is_grand_what_is_divorce/
%
In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf68sc/in_honor_of_420_tomorrow_heres_a_weed_joke/
%
For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.

It was a stage he was going through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf67gn/for_a_while_harry_houdini_used_trap_doors_in/
%
What type of flour is Jesus?

Self-raising

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf673c/what_type_of_flour_is_jesus/
%
What’s the difference between kids and speed bumps?

I slow down for speed bumps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf65pl/whats_the_difference_between_kids_and_speed_bumps/
%
Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.
Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.
After many hours of waiting, the surgeon finally comes to speak with him.
“Mr. Smith, I’ve got some bad news for you. Your wife has been paralyzed from the neck down. She will be unable to perform even the most basic functions as a human being. You will have to feed her, bathe her, change her clothes, clean up her stool, and take her to many, many appointments for the rest of her life. This will be a true test of your love for this woman.”
Upon hearing this news, Mr. Smith breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Just then, the surgeon smiles and pats him on the back.
“Relax Mr. Smith. I was just fucking with ya....she’s dead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf62iy/mr_smith_kisses_his_wife_goodbye_before_she/
%
I asked a cattle rancher if he knew any good cow jokes

but he totally butchered them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf60w4/i_asked_a_cattle_rancher_if_he_knew_any_good_cow/
%
Why do nuns have trouble staying celibate?

Hey, even Jesus gets nailed once a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf5ymb/why_do_nuns_have_trouble_staying_celibate/
%
Two guys are watching the Kentucky Derby.

One of the guys, Jeff, is there, bragging about how he has a really fast dog that can almost beat the horses. He bets everyone there 300$ that their pets can’t beat his dog in a race. The other guy, Steve, is wearing a trench coat. Steve walks up to Jeff and takes him up on the bet.
After the race is over the two head back to Jeff’s place, along with a small crowd who overheard the conversation and want to watch more racing. Steve and Jeff set up a 10m (30ft) race track for the animals to sprint on. Jeff gets his dog, and Steve pulls a turtle out of his trench coat.
One guy in the crowd acts as a referee, and when the signal goes off Steve throws his turtle like a football and wins the race.
Jeff is pretty pissed, and bets 600$ that Steve’s turtle won’t win a 100m race. Steve agreed to the bet. This time Steve pulls out a custom-made potato gun from his trench coat and launches the turtle over the finish line.
Jeff is flabbergasted. He just lost 900$ to a smartass with a turtle. Then he gets a bright idea. This time the animals have to run four laps, 100m each way. Jeff bets 1800$ and Steve agrees.
Steve places the turtle down on the race track next to the dog. The ref says “go” and the turtle off. The turtle beats the dog by a whole 10 seconds.
Everyone in the audience is astonished. That turtle can move fast! Everyone’s clamoring around Steve and asking him why he didn’t have the turtle run at top speed the first time. Steve smirks and replies: “I had to keep the con going somehow.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf5wix/two_guys_are_watching_the_kentucky_derby/
%
Communism jokes aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf5v4p/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
%
What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf5trp/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_jimmy_fallon/
%
My friend was freaking out when he found out that the girl he slept with last night might have been his second cousin.

I said, “If it upsets you that much, why keep count?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf5tng/my_friend_was_freaking_out_when_he_found_out_that/
%
"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job

Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf5oyh/dress_for_the_job_you_want_not_the_job_you_have/
%
A man is on a flight at cruising altitude when a female flight attendant comes by with a cart. She looks at him, smiles, and asks, “Would you like some headphones?”

The man responds, “Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf5g67/a_man_is_on_a_flight_at_cruising_altitude_when_a/
%
How do you make 100 old ladies say Fuck?

You yell out Bingo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf59jw/how_do_you_make_100_old_ladies_say_fuck/
%
A Russian man is standing in a food line...

When he suddenly looses it and turns to his friend behind him yelling.
“That’s it! I’ve had it with this line!”
His friend responds saying.
“What are you gonna do about it? Kill Gorbachev?”
“Yeah” Responded the man “I think I will!” He then storms out of line and goes to the kremlin, he returns thirty minutes later, angrier than before.
“What happened? Did you kill Gorbachev?”
“Well... I got to the kremlin. BUT THE LINE TO KILL GORBACHEV IS LONGER THAN THIS ONE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf56cg/a_russian_man_is_standing_in_a_food_line/
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Three Blonde Women are standing at the bank of a river

...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river." So God turns her into a red head and she builds a boat and rows across the river. The third also prays "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined." So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf55yx/three_blonde_women_are_standing_at_the_bank_of_a/
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The new zookeeper was killed at work on his first day.

That’s why you shouldn’t lion your resume.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf50qo/the_new_zookeeper_was_killed_at_work_on_his_first/
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Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office."

Doctor: "Turn him around. Make it look like he was walking in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf4y1f/nurse_doctor_the_man_you_just_gave_a_clean_bill/
%
The billionaire and the architect

Los Angeles has always been a place for these massive feats of human accomplishment. Case in point, in 1989, a local billionaire spent millions of his own money to create a unique building of fantastic architecture, one that would draw people in for thousands of miles. He hired a small time architect to design the structure.
After the buildings completion in 1994, it was revealed that the billionaire had tricked the architect, taking the design rights for his own and conning the designer out of millions.
In 1997, only 3 years after its completion, the building mysteriously collapsed. Police were called in, witnesses were questioned, the works. No one had a cause, and the leads were few and far between. Perhaps the billionaire, who had taken out an insurance policy, caused the collapse. Maybe it was the architect, angered about his work being stolen. Even still perhaps it was simply a disgruntled employee.
After countless weeks of debate, a man finally stepped forward. In front of thousands he called a press conference, claiming to have found the responsible party.
"Was it the billionaire?" One reporter questioned
"Was it the architect?" Another asked
"Was it an employee?" A policeman jumped in
"No," The man said "none of them were responsible"
The reporters swarmed in "who was responsible then? Who's fault was it?"
"Well the truth is," the man adjusted his glasses "it was San Andreas' Fault"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf4set/the_billionaire_and_the_architect/
%
I was planning on doing some knitting

But I will knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf4q1w/i_was_planning_on_doing_some_knitting/
%
Is it just me...

Or are there a lot of first person singular objective pronouns in the English language?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf4kxw/is_it_just_me/
%
What do you call a donkey wearing glasses

A smart ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf4j2e/what_do_you_call_a_donkey_wearing_glasses/
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The 10" Bic

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf4in9/the_10_bic/
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The CEOs of four beer companies are having a meeting and decide to place an order. (Not the ending you'd expect)

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders coke.
The three CEOs then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?
He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer then I might as well shove some drugs up my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf4h78/the_ceos_of_four_beer_companies_are_having_a/
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My boss: “I’m sorry, you’re fired.”

Me: *hands in my gun and badge*
My boss: “Where did you get those..? You’re a waiter!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf4bl8/my_boss_im_sorry_youre_fired/
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Why do they bury dead lawyers 20 feet under?

Because deep down, they’re good people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf4b1r/why_do_they_bury_dead_lawyers_20_feet_under/
%
Two peanuts walk into a bar

One of them was a salted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf45qy/two_peanuts_walk_into_a_bar/
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Man in a wheelchair at the beer store

I was buying beer and there was this older southern gentleman in a wheelchair was looking at beer too. I said if he needed help grabbing anything  to let me know and I'd help. In a slow long southern draw he said:
"I appreciate cha... I'm just shopping for my son... He really likes these craft beers from the Carolinas"
"Agreed, those are good ones to like"
"Yep... He's pretty smart for a 12 year old"
Fun fact: This happened to me today, I just had to put this into joke form.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf45en/man_in_a_wheelchair_at_the_beer_store/
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I never use internet explorer, but when I do

I download google chrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf45by/i_never_use_internet_explorer_but_when_i_do/
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What is an accountant’s favourite Lord of the Rings movie?

The Return of the King

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf42wh/what_is_an_accountants_favourite_lord_of_the/
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Why do they have to have air con in a hospital?

To keep the vegetables cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf42rk/why_do_they_have_to_have_air_con_in_a_hospital/
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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last
time he had made love to a woman. The general
replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief
said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let
me make your night better." The woman and
general went back to her apartment and made
passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the
woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well,
you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..."
The general looked at her, confused, and replied
"I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf3vt2/i_havent_had_sex_since_1956/
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The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf3tx3/the_stork_is_the_bird_that_helps_deliver_babies/
%
Why did the chicken cross his eyes?

He was too cock-eyed to cross the road

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf3sf5/why_did_the_chicken_cross_his_eyes/
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Why do white people own so many pets?

Because they're not allowed to own people anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf3sah/why_do_white_people_own_so_many_pets/
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Reigniting the flame

A couple in their 80s is sitting around enjoying another quiet Friday night.  The gentleman had lost interest in sex many years ago, but his loving wife still attempts to reignite their flame from time to time.  She has an idea that just might work.  She just needs to add some shock value.  So she goes in the bedroom, takes off all of her clothes, and only puts on a cape.  She comes into the living room where her husband is watching television.  She steps between the television and her husband, throws back her cape and yells, "Superpussy!"
Her husband replies, "I'll have the soup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf3q9n/reigniting_the_flame/
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Intelligence is like underwear.

It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf3q3y/intelligence_is_like_underwear/
%
What's a feminists least favourite instrument?

The XY-lophone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf3oax/whats_a_feminists_least_favourite_instrument/
%
"Here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Claus..." Okay, I get that part...

But why am I supposed to write down "Santa Claus lane"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf3nbm/here_comes_santa_clause_here_comes_santa_claus/
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A deformed squirrel walks up to me.

One of the greatest things I've ever seen, and he agreed to let me take him home to show to my kids.
They loved him.
That night, my son couldn't sleep, so I brought in the squirrel.
My son said "I want a bedtime story".
The squirrel said "Well, I got a short tale".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf3l82/a_deformed_squirrel_walks_up_to_me/
%
There is a family sitting a a table...

Dad: We’ll have some tacos
Waiter: Sir, this is a French Restaurant
Dad: Ok... then pizza?
Waiter: Again Sir, this is a French Restaurant
Dad: Well I give up
Waiter: Now your speaking my language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf3l09/there_is_a_family_sitting_a_a_table/
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I was talking to an anti-vaxxer who didn't understand vaccinations. I told him to think of a bulletproof vest.

If he didn't vaccinate his kids, I would shoot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf3hay/i_was_talking_to_an_antivaxxer_who_didnt/
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My wife threatened to leave me

Because of my ‘filthy and disgusting habits’. I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf3gq6/my_wife_threatened_to_leave_me/
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Three guys go on a ski trip

, and the lodge they are staying in only has one room with one bed. The guys are close friends and they don't mind sharing a bed for the night. In the morning the one friend on the right side of the bed explains how he had a dream where he got a handjob. The guy on the left side of the bed is shocked because he had the same dream. The guy in the middle laughs and says, "That's funny...I had a dream where I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf3bgq/three_guys_go_on_a_ski_trip/
%
How does Lady Gaga like her steak?

Raw-raw raw raw raw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf39nk/how_does_lady_gaga_like_her_steak/
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A British Jew is waiting to be knighted.

He is to kneel before the Queen and recite a sentence in Latin as she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, in the excitement of the moment, he panics and forgets the Latin phrase. Thinking fast, he recites the only other foreign phrase that comes to mind, which comes from the Passover Seder:
“Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot.”
Puzzled, the Queen turns to her advisor and whispers, “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf38tt/a_british_jew_is_waiting_to_be_knighted/
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My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.

“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said.
I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf384b/my_wife_told_me_i_had_a_small_penis_so_i_said_it/
%
What state do depressed people live in?

Missouri.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf37zg/what_state_do_depressed_people_live_in/
%
We should ban yo mama jokes from this subreddit. They're stupid, unfunny, obnoxious and everyone has already done them at least one thousand times

Unlike yo mama, who is a lovely and respectful woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf37zi/we_should_ban_yo_mama_jokes_from_this_subreddit/
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Investigators do not yet know what caused the Notre Dame fire..

But Quasimodo has a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf37n1/investigators_do_not_yet_know_what_caused_the/
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What's the difference between a phone, and myself?

People will actually care when their phone dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf35fa/whats_the_difference_between_a_phone_and_myself/
%
If you rearrange the letters of “POSTMEN”

They become VERY ANGRY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf31d8/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
%
I remember the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket.

He said, "Hey how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf2zrz/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said_before/
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I'm the best man at my buddy's second wedding...

Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with "Welcome back everyone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf2zg2/im_the_best_man_at_my_buddys_second_wedding/
%
A husband and wife are sitting at a table at her twentieth high-school reunion.

There is an incredibly drunk man slumped over at the table across from them.
“Do you know that guy?” the husband asks.
“Yes,” the wife replies somberly. “That’s my ex-boyfriend. He started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since.”
“Good God,” the husband replies. “Who knew it was possible to celebrate for that long?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf2wnt/a_husband_and_wife_are_sitting_at_a_table_at_her/
%
What do pirates like best about sex?

Arrrrrgasm.
(It's dumb, but I like this joke because it happened in a dream and I managed to remember the punchline after waking up)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf2vzy/what_do_pirates_like_best_about_sex/
%
Little Johnny was bored in class...

The teacher asks Emily to stand up and state a verb and use it in a sentence.
"Walk!" The teacher says very good, use it in a sentence now.
"I always walk to school in the morning!"
She then asks Adam to stand up and use a word in a sentence.
"Teaching!" The teacher says "great example, now use it in a sentence."
"The teacher is always teaching!" She tells him to sit down and asks Johnny to stand up.
"Urinate!" The teacher uncomfortably asks him to use it in a sentence.
"Urinate, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a 10!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf2ua5/little_johnny_was_bored_in_class/
%
What does English teachers do on Reddit?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf2nrm/what_does_english_teachers_do_on_reddit/
%
The year is 2161....

...and the Earth has just joined United Federation of Planets....
Without UK.
Which is still trying to exit EU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf2io9/the_year_is_2161/
%
On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living.

“When I was a young girl,” she moans, “you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!”
“Well, Grandma,” the boy replies, “we learned about that in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”
“Inflation nothing!” the grandmother answered. “It’s all these darn security cameras they’ve got today!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf2h5g/on_a_visit_to_see_his_grandmother_a_teen_boy/
%
A freshman is talking to the new girl in school.

“You’ll like it here,” he tells her. “Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.”
“Do you know who I am?” the girl asks her new classmate. “I’m the daughter of the principal.”
The boy is silent and then asks her, “Do you know who I am?”
She shakes her head no. “Good,” says the boy as he walks away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf2d6s/a_freshman_is_talking_to_the_new_girl_in_school/
%
A lifeguard asks a mother to scold her son for urinating in the public pool.

“It’s perfectly natural,” the mother says, “for young children to urinate in the pool. Plenty of children at this pool do it. I don’t see why my son doing it is such a big deal.”
The lifeguard pulls down his sunglasses and replies, “Well, all the other kids aren’t doing it off the diving board.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf2bm9/a_lifeguard_asks_a_mother_to_scold_her_son_for/
%
A kid is late for school one day. “I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer,” he explains to the teacher.

“Well, couldn’t your father have done that?” the teacher asks after class.
“Sure,” the boy replies. “But the bull would have done a better job.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf2a24/a_kid_is_late_for_school_one_day_i_had_to_take/
%
So an Iraqi woman and an American woman are in the supermarket...

The Iraqi woman picks up a couple of potatoes and says, "These look just like my husband's balls."
"Really?" says the American woman. "That big?"
"No," says the Iraqi woman. "That dirty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf29ly/so_an_iraqi_woman_and_an_american_woman_are_in/
%
The cashier scanned my condoms then asked if I needed a bag.

I said, "Naw, she isn't *that* ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf228z/the_cashier_scanned_my_condoms_then_asked_if_i/
%
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during which one of the children is heard saying, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf1upz/during_a_dinner_party_the_hosts_two_little/
%
A husband and wife are visiting the wife’s family during the holidays.

Her mother is a stickler for her food intake, and will only eat organic and fresh foods. The husband goes to the store with specific instructions on the type of foods to buy. “Excuse me,” the man asks the grocer, “are these vegetables sprayed with any harmful chemicals or pesticides that could kill a person?” “Nope,” answers the grocer proudly. “Okay,” says the man, “I guess I’ll just have to do that part myself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf1tnt/a_husband_and_wife_are_visiting_the_wifes_family/
%
We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom;

in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf1tgk/we_have_a_beautiful_little_girl_who_we_named/
%
Why did the old man fell into a well?

Well, that's because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf1smu/why_did_the_old_man_fell_into_a_well/
%
A student recognized his teacher.

A student recognized his old teacher from across the restaurant. But when he approached her, she seemed shorter than he remembered.
"Hello Mrs. Brown, I think I've figured out why you look shorter than I remember you being," said the student.
"I'm not Mrs. Brown," replied the woman.
"Ah good, you've figured it out, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf1lmt/a_student_recognized_his_teacher/
%
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf1la1/a_doctor_tells_a_woman_she_can_no_longer_touch/
%
The new Toyota Supra was engineered in cooperation with BMW.

I’m not saying I don’t like it, I’m just worried because of the last time Germany and Japan teamed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf1hkb/the_new_toyota_supra_was_engineered_in/
%
What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It takes only one nail to hang a picture of Jesus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf1d0g/what_is_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says “make my horse laugh and win $500”

So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves.
When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says “make my horse stop laughing and win $500”. So the guy once again goes to the back and pretty soon the laughter is replaced by sobbing. The bartender says I’ll give you the $500 but you have to tell me how you did it.
So the guy explains that the first week he told the horse “my dick is bigger than yours”. The bartender asks “so what did you tell him just now?”
“Nothing, I showed him and proved it”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf1cfd/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign_that_says/
%
What do you call a group of people waiting to get into a Pride festival?

An LGBT queue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf1822/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_people_waiting_to_get/
%
Why did Donald Trump take Xanax

For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf16x0/why_did_donald_trump_take_xanax/
%
A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf16rh/a_mother_traveled_across_the_country_to_watch_her/
%
Tennis players are heartless.

Love means zero to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf10n5/tennis_players_are_heartless/
%
A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, “Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don’t throw a fit. It won’t be long.” In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says,
“There, there, Missy, don’t cry. Two more aisles, and we’ll be checking out.” When they get to the checkout stand, the little girl howls for gum. The mother says, reassuringly, “Missy, we’ll be done in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze.” In the parking lot, the man stops the woman to compliment her.
“I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Missy,” he says. The mother sighs, “Oh, no—my little girl’s name is Francine. I’m Missy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf0yer/a_man_in_the_grocery_store_notices_a_woman_with_a/
%
Even at the age of 46, I have the body of a 24 year old.

I'm not here to brag, does anyone need a 24 year old's body while it's still warm?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf0xtg/even_at_the_age_of_46_i_have_the_body_of_a_24/
%
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf0v3i/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_up_his/
%
Today 10 girls asked me to go out

I was in a women's bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf0tqc/today_10_girls_asked_me_to_go_out/
%
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf0t77/i_always_carry_a_picture_of_my_wife_and_kids_in/
%
A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”
The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf0rlo/a_scientist_and_a_philosopher_are_being_chased_by/
%
I saw a lady in tears at the store

She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot.
#payitforward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf0grv/i_saw_a_lady_in_tears_at_the_store/
%
Husband: "If I won the lottery, what would you do?"

Wife: "I'd take half of it and leave you."
Husband: "Great, I've won 4$. Here's 2$ and get out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf0c6r/husband_if_i_won_the_lottery_what_would_you_do/
%
Two church members were going door to door.

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close.  In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two church members at the door
frustrated her.  She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close.  Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could.  But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf0bzi/two_church_members_were_going_door_to_door/
%
Why is the anti-vaxxer's 4-year-old crying?

Because it’s having a mid-life crisis .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf09tz/why_is_the_antivaxxers_4yearold_crying/
%
A husband and wife went to a therapist..

The therapist comes in and asks “So what brought you two here?”
The wife says “he takes everything too seriously”,
The therapist looks at the husband and asks “ how about you?”
He says “ a truck”
( btw I did NOT make this, I heard it before from a friend)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf07u3/a_husband_and_wife_went_to_a_therapist/
%
Just as I suspected, someone's been adding soil to my garden

The plot thickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf074o/just_as_i_suspected_someones_been_adding_soil_to/
%
A Tour Guide at a dinosaur museum is guiding around a group of people. Looking at a T-Rex he says

"This fossil is 23,000,011 years old." One of the members of the group asks out of curiosity, "Wow, how'd they find out such a specific number?" the guide replied "Well, it was 23,000,000 when I started 11 years ago."
*Source: Reader's Digest*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf04se/a_tour_guide_at_a_dinosaur_museum_is_guiding/
%
What happens if life gives you melons?

You’re dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bf002a/what_happens_if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
Why does Peter Pan always fly?

He Neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bezzdn/why_does_peter_pan_always_fly/
%
Is it just me...

Or does today seem like a particularly Good Friday?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bezsfp/is_it_just_me/
%
Have you ever noticed how in shape Jesus looks on the cross?

Cause if you think his abs look shredded, then you should check out his back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bezrx7/have_you_ever_noticed_how_in_shape_jesus_looks_on/
%
I have some bad news

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Okay,  well you might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor:  The lab called with your test results, they said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: Thats terrible! What could possibly be worse,  what is the very bad news?
Doctor:  I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bezns9/i_have_some_bad_news/
%
What do you call a bisexual person who is single?

They are on standbi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bezk04/what_do_you_call_a_bisexual_person_who_is_single/
%
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

Nobody pays to have a lentil on their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bezjsl/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
If you ever miss 4:20 just wait untill 4:22 because...

4:22 is 4:20 too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bezjkj/if_you_ever_miss_420_just_wait_untill_422_because/
%
Bananas are the Japanese of the fruit world.

All yellow, and all slightly radioactive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bezcxj/bananas_are_the_japanese_of_the_fruit_world/
%
Death or Gumanji?

There are three men exploring the forest and they come upon a tribe of Pigmys.
They are caught and taken against their will.
The next day the head of the tribe tells them that they are on trial, one each day.
The first day, the man sits in front of the tribe and is asked, "Death, or Gumanji?"
Scared the man chooses Gumanji. The head of the tribe slams his spear and says "Gumanji!".
Several tribesmen sprint down and rip the mans clothes off, hold him down and have their way with him.
The next day, the second man faces the tribe and the leader says, death or Gumanji.
The man, having a wife and kids doesn't want to die. He unwillingly replies "Gumanji".
Again the head of the tribe slams his spear, "Gumanji!", and the men run over and rip the mans clothes off before having their way with him.
Finally, on day three the last man is on trial. He sits in front of the tribe and the head says "Death or Gumanji".
The man being wholesome in his masculinity replies, "I would rather die than be raped by the men of your tribe".
"I choose death!"
The head of the tribe looks to the other men, nods, and slams his spear.
"Death by Gumanji"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bez8ks/death_or_gumanji/
%
Why are mathematicians always so happy?

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bez4y8/why_are_mathematicians_always_so_happy/
%
The Auction

One day a man went to an auction.
While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer. "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bez4jy/the_auction/
%
Beard trimming is banned by the bible

Which is surprising, seeing how priests are so keen on grooming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bez2rc/beard_trimming_is_banned_by_the_bible/
%
I raise chickens humanely, and I only eat the ones that die from natural causes.

Rocks are natural, right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bez0z2/i_raise_chickens_humanely_and_i_only_eat_the_ones/
%
A snail is going somewhere...

...one day, when he comes upon a shiny metal object in his path. Undeterred, he climbs on it and goes on, when suddenly the object shakes and a blue being comes out of the smoke and proclaims, "I am the genie of this lamp, snail, and you have rubbed it by going across it. However, since your "rubbing" was extremely slow, you get just one wish. What do you ask for?"
The snail is amazed, but quickly recovers his wits and says, "I want a Ferrari, customised to my body, so I can drive it."
The genie says, "Why a car? You can ask for a jet, or world domination, or anything. Why that?"
The snail replies, "Well, I'm not a megalomaniac or a greedy snail. When I drive by, I just want people to say - 'Man, look at that sweet escargot'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beyy1j/a_snail_is_going_somewhere/
%
How do poets say hello?

Hey, haven't we Metaphor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beysjp/how_do_poets_say_hello/
%
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needs to draw blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beyrku/why_did_the_nurse_need_a_red_pen_at_work/
%
I just got an idea to get "i trust no one" tattoo on my arm

But I don't think any tattoo artist would do it properly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beymk2/i_just_got_an_idea_to_get_i_trust_no_one_tattoo/
%
I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beym25/i_filed_a_police_report_about_my_missing_bag/
%
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beykrc/whats_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
%
A doctor and a truck driver...

A  doctor and a truck driver are both in love with a very beautiful woman named Sara and the competition is fierce. Right as the truck driver is starting to get in good with her, his company sends him on a week long job, but before he leaves he brings Sara 7 apples.
She says "It's perfect! 7 is my favorite number and apples are my favorite fruit, how did you know?"
Being an honest man, he replies "I didn't."
"Why would you give them to me then" she asks confused.
"Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beyiop/a_doctor_and_a_truck_driver/
%
A man comes across 10 naked black men

They are all completely black from head to toes except for one of them who has a pink penis.
“Why are you black gentlemen completely naked?” he asks.
“We’re not black, we are mine workers. We are covered with soot. We are naked because it’s very hot down the shaft so it’s easier to work that way.”
“I understand, but then why does this one have a pink penis.”
“He went home to his wife for his lunch break.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beyhpl/a_man_comes_across_10_naked_black_men/
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle

Because his wife died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beycil/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
Why is Santa's sack so big?

He comes once in a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beyc1j/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
Someone asked me what I thought about Sour Patch Kids...

My opinion of them is bittersweet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beyb88/someone_asked_me_what_i_thought_about_sour_patch/
%
So I dated this white girl once. We're where driving around looking for a place to eat. I asked her have you ever had five guys

She said once but she was really needing the money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bey9g3/so_i_dated_this_white_girl_once_were_where/
%
"Answer all my questions, or I'll cut off your legs at the knees," said my interrogator.

I did pretty well for a while, but eventually he stumped me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bey7wm/answer_all_my_questions_or_ill_cut_off_your_legs/
%
You know from Jesus’s perspective...

I don’t think today would have counted as a “GOOD” Friday....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bey7de/you_know_from_jesuss_perspective/
%
A man walks into a bar on the roof of a 4 story building after a long day at work

He sits down at the bar and the barkeep asks "Hi, mate. Same as usual?"
"I've had a hard day and I think I want something different this time. Let me have a browse and get back to me?" the man responded. "no worries pal, take your time, we've got plenty." replied the barkeep.
A voice said "hey dude, if you want to try something new and fresh, look what happens  when you drink THIS!" The other man downed his drink, and walked over to the balcony and jumped.
Astoundingly, and to the surprise of the entire bar, the man flies back up slowly. With a smug look on his face, he flies back to his stool and slowly sits back down.
The man says to the barkeep excitedly "I know what I want! I want what the other man had!"
The barkeep obliged and the man downed the drink as fast as he could. He sprinted for the balcony, leapt off and fell to his death.
The barkeep turns to the other man and says "Fair play Superman, you're a right prick when you've had a few."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bey3pw/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_on_the_roof_of_a_4_story/
%
The way I feel about autocorrect

Is it make me say things I didn’t Nintendo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bey2rj/the_way_i_feel_about_autocorrect/
%
I've got a great idea for a NBA themed Fast Food restaurant. I call it...

Shake-Shaq

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bexxkx/ive_got_a_great_idea_for_a_nba_themed_fast_food/
%
Hockey Joke

Why did the refs stop play in the Washington Capitals game?
Kuznetsov.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bexvcz/hockey_joke/
%
A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel over his crotch.

The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the steering wheel?"
The man replies, "It's none of your business"
The bartender asks again, "Come on, tell me"
The man replies, "I told you it's none of your business"
The bartender pleads one more time, "You have to tell me whats with the steering wheel!?"
The man replies, "I said stop asking, you're driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bexnyb/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel_over/
%
I was chatting to a guy at work the other day he said he was adopted and had been raised by two gay men.

Can't see why he got annoyed with me, I only asked, “If they reared him together or took turns.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bexj0a/i_was_chatting_to_a_guy_at_work_the_other_day_he/
%
My grandpa must be really into sex tourism

He keeps going on and on about "youth in Asia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bexhw0/my_grandpa_must_be_really_into_sex_tourism/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, because men can be feminists too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bexeo6/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Here comes a joke in German (or rather Austrian German)

Der kleine Fritzl geht in die Grundschule und muss einen Aufsatz schreiben. Nach 2 Minuten fragt er die Lehrerin: „Tschuldiung Fräulein, sagn s ma mal, wie schreibt man Sex?“
Die Lehrerin denkt sich nichts dabei und schreibt‘s an die Tafel.
2 Minuten später. „Tschuldiung Fräulein, sagn s ma mal, wie schreibt man Genitalien?“
Scho a bissl komisch, denkt sich die Lehrerin, aber schreibt‘s an die Tafel.
3 Minuten später. „Tschuldiung Fräulein, sagn s ma mal, wie schreibt man Sperma?“
So, noch einmal und ich geh schaun was der Junge schreibt, denkt sich die Lehrerin, aber schreibt das Wort wieder an die Tafel.
5 Minuten später. „Tschuldiung Fräulein, sagn s ma mal, wie schreibt man Vorhaut?“
So, des reicht. Die Lehrerin geht zum Fritzl hin und liest.
„Wenn ma mehr wie Sex Stunden Genitalien fahrn, Sperma den Hund hinten ein, damits ihn beim Bremsen ned Vorhaut.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bexcpg/here_comes_a_joke_in_german_or_rather_austrian/
%
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.

He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate colloquialism for sodomy here].” The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.” Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he’s really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bexba2/a_hunter_goes_into_the_woods_to_hunt_a_bear/
%
It is true, the story that you have heard is true. Women make 80 cents for every a dollar a man makes.

How is a man supposed to survive on 20 cents?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bexb9v/it_is_true_the_story_that_you_have_heard_is_true/
%
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bexazo/a_big_city_doctor_visits_an_native_american_tribe/
%
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.

One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world. Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rides off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bexafd/mr_bear_and_mr_rabbit_live_in_the_same_forest_but/
%
So, I was dating a Japanese girl...

The relationship grew old rather quickly so I decided to break up with her. When I told her, she just stood there in disbelief. It's like you have to drop the bomb twice for them to get the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bex7kn/so_i_was_dating_a_japanese_girl/
%
Here’s the full version of the Mueller Report

[Redacted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bex7fu/heres_the_full_version_of_the_mueller_report/
%
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters and never has 5 letters

Not a question, that’s it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bex5rx/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_has_9_letters_and/
%
I called my boss to say, ‘sorry I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

He asked, ‘how sick are you?’
I said; ‘well, I’m in bed with my sister’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bex2gk/i_called_my_boss_to_say_sorry_i_cant_come_in/
%
My job makes me feel like a prostitute.

I'm paid whorribly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bex22t/my_job_makes_me_feel_like_a_prostitute/
%
Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army

because Fred wrote he had grown another foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bex045/freds_mother_knit_him_three_socks_when_he_was_in/
%
Redditors walks in a bar

They sit with theirs beers, and then a strange talk begin:
"301548"
Some laughs politely.
"15298"
They nod with a smile.
And so on. The barman watch them, and don't understand. They keep telling numbers and giggling.
So he ask Bob, one of them : "Who are you, what are you doing ?
\- We are from r/jokes, and we are so used to reposts it's quicker to tell the joke's number than the actual joke."
The guy sits back, and a few moments later, one of them say "978203"
And Bob burst out laughing, he had to rush to the toilets so he don't piss himself.
On his way back, the barman ask him : "What was so funny ?"
"I didn't knew that one !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bewxsr/redditors_walks_in_a_bar/
%
3 men get stranded on an island

3 men get stranded on a desert island. After wandering around a while, they are found by some tribesmen. The natives take them back to their hut. The chief tells them, "Go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of fruit."
The first guy returns with 10 apples, and the chief says, "Now, shove them all up your ass without showing any emotion, or we'll kill you."
He shoves the one first up, and is in terrible pain, but shows no emotion, but during the process of pushing up the second, he flinches, and therefore gets shot full of arrows.
The second guy comes back with 10 cherries, and gets told to do the same.
He's finding it relatively easy, but when he gets to the eighth, starts laughing hysterically, and gets shot.
He meets up with the first guy in heaven, and the first guy asks, "Why did you do that? Why did you laugh when you were so close?" The second guy then replies,
"Well, I nearly finished when I saw the next guy walking up with pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bewxeg/3_men_get_stranded_on_an_island/
%
I keep hearing about this thing called the Hindenburg

But nobody will tell me what it did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bewu86/i_keep_hearing_about_this_thing_called_the/
%
My friend told me about the time his wife caught him sticking a feather up his ass.

He says he got off lightly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bewty4/my_friend_told_me_about_the_time_his_wife_caught/
%
Being 30 is the worst thing.

10 years too young for Midlife Crisis and 20 years too old for Michael Jackson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bewtak/being_30_is_the_worst_thing/
%
A married couple goes to their first prenatal visit

. The nurse came in and sat down with them.
After a few general questions,
Nurse: ma'am, are you sexually active?
Wife: yes, I am.
Husband: nonsense, honey,  you barely move at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bews51/a_married_couple_goes_to_their_first_prenatal/
%
How did the scarecrow manage to win an award, without even moving?

Easy - he was simply outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bewouy/how_did_the_scarecrow_manage_to_win_an_award/
%
For my PhD thesis, I wanted to write the best researched paper about General Relativity

But I ran out of time so I failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bewn5c/for_my_phd_thesis_i_wanted_to_write_the_best/
%
A woman goes to her Gynecologist

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina"
The doctor had a look, chuckled and said:
"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bewha0/a_woman_goes_to_her_gynecologist/
%
light beer is like Love on the beach

Fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bewcua/light_beer_is_like_love_on_the_beach/
%
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.

“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?”
“Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.”
“Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bewbaz/i_walked_in_the_lounge_to_find_my_wife/
%
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars Walk into a bar.

But they didn't planet that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bew9p9/freddie_mercury_venus_williams_and_bruno_mars/
%
Necrophilia is dead boring

Try incest, it's only relatively boring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bew79d/necrophilia_is_dead_boring/
%
It was a fine Sunday morning...

... and the devil was bored.
He picked a nice quiet country side church and rolled up in a cloud of foul smoke and brimstone. Right in the middle of the sermon.
Screams all around as the flock run for their lives. All that is, except for the priest and a wizened old farmer chewing on a straw.
The devil floats up to the son of the soil and rasps: “ The priest is not scared of me because he knows I can’t hurt him  here. Why aren’t you scared?”
The farmer looks at the devil lazily, takes out the straw and says: “Why should I be? Been married to your sister for 40 years...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bew1lf/it_was_a_fine_sunday_morning/
%
A couple moves in together and brings their pets. The man says “before you moved in, my cat used to throw up and shit everywhere, now when I come home the floors are spotless.”

The woman responded “yeah it’s weird, my dog used to whine because he was hungry all the time but not since we moved in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bew0ml/a_couple_moves_in_together_and_brings_their_pets/
%
I'm opening a tattoo shop where I give free tattoos to girls who show me their breast

I'll call it "Tit for tat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bevxp2/im_opening_a_tattoo_shop_where_i_give_free/
%
A American, a German and a Russian on an island

A American, a German and a Russian were stranded on an island. The native People get them and go with them to the Chief. The Chief says that the 3 Guys have to go to the Jungle and bring him two types of fruits. Otherwise he kills them.
The Guys got the fruits and the Chief says that he will now put the fruits everybody brought in their asshole. If they laugh while the process he kills them.
The American brought a grape and a strawberry.
The Grape was going good but then he fucked up and started laughing. Immediately he was killed.
The Russian brought an apple and a Pear.
He also fucked up and started to laugh.
The Russian and the American meet each other in Heaven. The American asks the Russian if it also were so ticklish and funny to him.
The Russian says that it was alright and he thought that he would make it but then he saw the German with the Pineapple and the Watermelon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bevwqk/a_american_a_german_and_a_russian_on_an_island/
%
A man was caught stealing a used battery from a neighbour.

Police: Why did you commit the crime, sir?
Man: Oh, I heard it was free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bevw1k/a_man_was_caught_stealing_a_used_battery_from_a/
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What do you call an Aussie who lies for a living?

A lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bevuew/what_do_you_call_an_aussie_who_lies_for_a_living/
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Man: M'sieur, I would like some pepper sent up to ma room.

Receptionist: Certainly sir, black pepper or red pepper?
Man: Toilet pepper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bevq86/man_msieur_i_would_like_some_pepper_sent_up_to_ma/
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A man, jobless for the longest time, decides to open up a clinic. The sign outside says, “Medical treatments for $10, if you don’t get better I’ll pay you $20”

A real doctor sees the sign and enters, hoping to outsmart the man and make some money off him.
Doctor: Please cure me, I lost my sense of taste!
Man: Nurse, fetch the medicine inside Box 22 and give this patient three drops.
Doctor: *takes the drops* But this is gasoline!
Man: Congratulations! Your sense of taste is back. That would be $10.
The doctor went out fuming, he was outsmarted by the man! He returned a few days later, hoping to recoup his money.
Doctor: Please cure me, I lost my memory!
Man: Nurse, fetch the medicine inside Box 22 and give this patient three drops.
Doctor: Hold on, that’s the gasoline you gave me last time!
Man: Congratulations! Your memory is back. That would be $10.
Outsmarted yet again, the doctor swore vengeance. He returned to the clinic a week later.
Doctor: Please cure me, I’m losing my vision!
Man: Sorry, I don’t have a cure for that. Here’s $20.
Doctor: But this is just $10!
Man: Congratulations! Your vision is back. That would be $10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bevpk6/a_man_jobless_for_the_longest_time_decides_to/
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My father-in-law asked me what I plan on doing over the weekend.

Apparently ”your daughter” isn’t right correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bevmup/my_fatherinlaw_asked_me_what_i_plan_on_doing_over/
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With any gift give your SO a dildo as well

That way if they don't like the gift they can go fuck themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bevgop/with_any_gift_give_your_so_a_dildo_as_well/
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A charity worker learnt that there was a rich man who had never donated anything

So this worker went to the rich man's office, and tried to convince him to give to charity.
The rich man folded his arms and replied angrily. "Did you know my sister's husband passed away suddenly? And left behind 4 children for her to raise by herself?"
The charity worker was surprised, "Oh, I didn't know that."
The rich man continued, "Did you know my brother is addicted to gambling, and he is deeply indebted with the loan sharks? They say they'll kill him unless he pays up!"
The charity worker began to regret coming here. "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of any of this."
"And did you know my mother is very sick? She has been in hospital for many years and her medical bills are huge!"
By now the charity worker was filled with shame. "I'm very sorry to hear that, please accept my humble apologies."
The rich man leaned back in his chair. "My family has so much trouble, but I don't give them a single cent. Why would I donate anything to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bevejc/a_charity_worker_learnt_that_there_was_a_rich_man/
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What's a jewish woman's favorite wine?

"I wanna go to Miami"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bevdei/whats_a_jewish_womans_favorite_wine/
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Why should you finger a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bevd22/why_should_you_finger_a_gypsy_on_her_period/
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A woman sees her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

“You know that’s not going to help, right?” she asks.
“Sure, it will,” he says. “It’s the only way I’ll be able to see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bevby2/a_woman_sees_her_husband_standing_on_the_bathroom/
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A guy sits next to an empty seat at the Super Bowl.

Another man comes up to him and asks “Is that seat taken?”
The guy replies “It was for my wife but she passed away”
The man then says “I’m sorry, do you not have any friends or family to take her place?”
The guy says “Yes but they’re all at the funeral.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bevan3/a_guy_sits_next_to_an_empty_seat_at_the_super_bowl/
%
Yo mama so fat

...people are beginning to believe she's flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beva4y/yo_mama_so_fat/
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What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?

You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bev66p/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_the/
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So today I had to have a prostate exam and I asked the Doctor, "where should I put my pants?"

He said "right there next too mine."
Gotta say I had my doubts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bev4z1/so_today_i_had_to_have_a_prostate_exam_and_i/
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Did you hear about the Jewish boy who asked his father for 5 dollars?

His father replied,
"4 dollars? What the hell do you need 3 dollars for??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bev4cv/did_you_hear_about_the_jewish_boy_who_asked_his/
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Did you ever hear the tragedy of Mahatma Gandhi The Wise?

I thought not. It's not a story the British would tell you.
It's a Hindi legend. Gandhi was an Indian activist, so powerful and wise he could walk miles and miles without shoes, developing blisters on his feet. He had such a knowledge of resilience, he could even live through hunger strikes without calcium intake, at the cost of severely weakened bones. The toothpaste-less hunger strike of civil disobedience is a pathway, too, to notoriously bad breath that some consider to be unnatural. He became so famous, people sometimes praised him as having magic powers.
Ironic. He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bev1mt/did_you_ever_hear_the_tragedy_of_mahatma_gandhi/
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Old Gramps

Grandson visited his old Gramps.
"Hey Gramps, i make a trip with some friends to Europe. We want to visit Paris."
The old man smiled and replied:
"Oh, thats really nice. I was with my buddys there as well when i was younger.
We had a lot of fun. Best trip ever! We had a so mutch fun scamming bartenders and hookers.
Just drink, flirt with the ladys and when they ask to pay we just left."
"What? How? Didn't they call the cops or something?"
"Nah, they didnt care. We did this for weeks. Every one did this. Was total common there."
Month later the Grandson is back from his trip and visits Grandpa again.
Black eye, broken arm, bruises all over his body.
"Gramps! The scamming didnt work! They beat the crap out of us and then went straight to jail!"
Gramps looks shocked.
"Oh, boy... when i was there with my buddys, we were in the ze Wehrmacht!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bev0k7/old_gramps/
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A health inspector is inspecting an office building

Inspector: And finally to check on how well this building is cleaned
10 minutes later, the inspector walks out of the building with a bloody nose.
Inspector: Well it's a nine out of ten overall. The bathrooms weren't the cleanest but all in all not too shabby at all.
And by the way, excellent job polishing those glass doors!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bev0a8/a_health_inspector_is_inspecting_an_office/
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What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beutzf/whats_the_best_part_about_banging_your_cousin/
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him...

She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful  to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching  while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beur6e/a_guy_goes_to_the_supermarket_and_notices_an/
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Sometimes

I talk to myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beuo5h/sometimes/
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Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries.

They're naming it Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beukr9/ford_is_creating_a_new_company_to_manufacture/
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What is the difference between a porcupine and high school?

On the porcupine the pricks are on the outside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beujep/what_is_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and/
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Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beugyi/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_2_doors/
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A young couple is having sex in the car in the parking lot.

Suddenly a cop pulls over.
He flashes his flashlight inside the car and asks - what the hell is going on here ?
The couple suddenly stops and scramble for their clothes.
The cop says - you have 2 options. Either you go to jail for spreading public indecency or I am next.
The man says - that’s fine , but , I have never fucked a cop before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beucde/a_young_couple_is_having_sex_in_the_car_in_the/
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A woman goes to the doctor and is asked to remove her bra and panties.

Woman: Why do I need to do that?
Doctor: The file says your future employer wants me to perform a complete physical exam on you.
Woman: Well, can I have a female nurse in here too, then?
Doctor: What for? They're all kind of busy right now.
Woman: Just so that I'm more comfortable. I don't like being alone.
Doctor: Fine. I'll get a nurse in here for you.
Nurse: Doctor, you called me in to help this patient?
Doctor: Yes, she says she'd be more comfortable if you removed your bra and panties too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beu5le/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_and_is_asked_to_remove/
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Just learned that a dentist a block away from me was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him him for over ten years.

Never knew he was a dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beu3ua/just_learned_that_a_dentist_a_block_away_from_me/
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Why do people call organic chemistry the meanest science?

Because it’s always pushing electrons around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betxvw/why_do_people_call_organic_chemistry_the_meanest/
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I directed a movie about my broken leg.

It had a stellar supporting cast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betw6e/i_directed_a_movie_about_my_broken_leg/
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A wife is like a hand grenade.

Pull the ring and your house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betvys/a_wife_is_like_a_hand_grenade/
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A man is walking down a dark alley when he's accosted by a robber.

The robber puts a gun to his head and says, "Give me all your money, or you're science!"
The man says, "Don't you mean 'or you're history?'"
"Don't try to change the subject" says the robber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betvve/a_man_is_walking_down_a_dark_alley_when_hes/
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A nun is in the bath

Shes hears a knock on the door and  a man  says "can i come in".
"who are you?" she asks nervously.
"Im the blind man" he replies.
"Oh well in that case  come in" she says relieved.
The man walks in.
"Nice tits" he says "Now where shall I hang these blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betv83/a_nun_is_in_the_bath/
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I can tell people are judgmental...

... Just by looking at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betthx/i_can_tell_people_are_judgmental/
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Sven sees Ole's car parked outside the bar early in the morning.

Sven, worried about His friend quickly goes into the bar. He seed Ole sitting at the bar drinking beer with a mute expression on His face.
"Hey Ole is something wrong? Shouldn't you be at work?"
Ole says in a somewhat sad tone."Oh Sven. My wife Lina ran off with my best friend Lars."
"That's terrible Ole." Feeling sorry for His friend He sits down and offers to pay for Ole's tab.
After a few minutes Sven gets a puzzled expression on His face and says."Hey wait a minute Ole I thought I was your best friend."
Ole smiles and says."Not anymore Sven."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betrpn/sven_sees_oles_car_parked_outside_the_bar_early/
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” She thinks for a moment, then drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob, our next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betno2/a_man_is_getting_into_the_shower_just_as_his_wife/
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One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade in and he'd be eligible.
"It sucks because it would mean more money, and we could get a second car so he doesn't have to give me a ride to work and back every day. They offer the course at the local community college, but he can't take it. "
"Why not?" asks Bob.
"Well, " explains Alice, "it's an hour drive from here to and from our house in the city; he works all day and then the quintuplets drive us crazy when we're at home, there's just NO time. Also I love him to death but he's not the brightest bulb, studying comes hard for him. He would need more time to study, and he has none."
"Easy!" says Bob. "My wife took a course there, but couldn't attend. They sent her the materials and she studied at home, she just had to go in to take the final and that was it. Walter has lots of time, two hours every day on the road, and that's plenty! He can take a day off just to take the exam, right?"
Alice thinks, then says, "That sounds great, except Walter is the only one who can drive that huge truck, and he can't study behind the wheel."
"No problem," says Bob. "Still plenty of time for you to read the course materials to him while he drives. You know very well that my wife Charlotte is as dumb as a rock, but with my help she was able to learn enough to pass the final. All those tests are multiple choice anyway, just make sure he memorizes everything and he'll be set. You'll be like his teaching assistant, and with you spending that much time on it every day with him he's sure to do well."
Alice mulls it over and decides that's a great idea, and after she explains it on the ride home, so does Walter.
Three months later, Alice and Bob are once again talking over the water cooler, and Bob asks how it all went?
"Not so good," replies Alice. "we both liked the idea. I talked to the professor and she was willing to just have him come in for the final, like you said. She gave me the course materials and I read them to him on the way to and from work for the last three months. We had so much time, we went over most of the course twice. We thought it was going pretty well, but when he went in for the exam, he flunked, hard."
"What happened?" asked Bob, puzzled.
"Well the final exam wasn't multiple choice, it was an essay question. I learned a Very Important Lesson though."
"Which is...?" prompts Bob, leaning over the water cooler and almost knocking it over.
"Well, It turns out you can read a course to Walter, but you can't make him think."
\[rimshot.mp3\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betkkf/one_day_coworkers_alice_and_bob_were_talking_over/
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What do you call a prostitute with no arms and legs?

Cash and Carry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betk2l/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_no_arms_and/
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Teacher: “use dandelion in a sentence”

Jamaican kid: “de cheetah run faster dandelion”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betjy2/teacher_use_dandelion_in_a_sentence/
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I keep getting dared to have sex without an erection.

Surely it can’t be hard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betgz3/i_keep_getting_dared_to_have_sex_without_an/
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A priest is walking down the street and a woman standing on the corner calls to him and says "Hey father, you want a quickie, only $5".

The priest promptly says "No Thanks" and continues down the street.
A little while later another woman calls from a door way of a building and says "Hey father, you want a quickie, only $5". The priest again says "No Thanks" and continues down the street.
A little further along his path, another woman calls from a window of a building and yells down "Hey father, you want a quickie, only $5".
The priest again says "No Thanks" and continues down the street.
He finally gets back to his parish and goes up to one of the sisters there. He asks her, "What's a Quickie?" to which she promptly replies
.
.
.
"$5, the same as in town.
.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betgec/a_priest_is_walking_down_the_street_and_a_woman/
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Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

He doesn't want anyone to find our that he's been screwing chickens...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betf83/why_does_the_easter_bunny_hide_his_eggs/
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Why is Fonzy so popular in the LGBTQ community?

because he’s AYYYY sexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betdpc/why_is_fonzy_so_popular_in_the_lgbtq_community/
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Three men on a boat, they crash on an island...

2 days after they crash, a group of pirates arrive to bury some treasure. The men decide their only hope of getting away from the island is to ask the pirates for help.
So they go to the captain of the pirates and ask for some help, the captain asks them why should he help them?
The men think for a while and then say we will do whatever you want us to do for the duration of the trip.
The captain, thought for a moment and then said "okay, first off I want all of you to run into the trees and find me 10 of the same wild fruit".
The men, a little confused run into the trees and begin looking.
10 minutes later the first man comes back with 10 grapes, the captain said "if you shove them up your ass you can join us" so the man shoves them up his ass and jumps abord.
5 minutes pass and the second man comes back with 10 kiwis, so the captain said "if you can shove them up your ass you can join us"
The man bursts out laughing
"What's so funny?" said the captain
"Steve has got 10 pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/betdah/three_men_on_a_boat_they_crash_on_an_island/
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A wise old man once told me that great fortune comes from within.

So I sold my kidneys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bet9yf/a_wise_old_man_once_told_me_that_great_fortune/
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How do you get 1.2 billion followers?

Run through Africa with a water bottle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bet5q5/how_do_you_get_12_billion_followers/
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Curious child

There was family reunion one day and the mom and dad were preparing for it.
The kid went to the kitchen where his mom was cutting the turkey.
She anciently cuts her finger and screamed "Fuck!"
Kid: what does "fuck" mean?
Mom: o-oh it means "cut" hah ha...
so then the child went to his father who was sleeping on the couch.
Then, the dad accidentally fell off the couch.
Dad: "SHIT"
Kid: "What does "shit" mean?
Dad: "oh it means "sleep" y-yea
After a while, the kid's aunts and uncles came. They went inside the house and ask what his mom and dad were doing.
the kid said proudly: Mom is fucking the turkey while dad is shitting on the couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bet4ak/curious_child/
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If someone has already submitted a joke about defensive swordsmanship...

...sorry for the riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bet294/if_someone_has_already_submitted_a_joke_about/
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What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?

*Beef-strokin-off*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bet1id/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_masturbating_cattle/
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An r/jokes subscriber was fencing...

His opponent was confused because he was turning every defensive maneuver into a counterattack without fail.
After the game, the opponent asked him about his unorthodox technique.
He replied, "Oh yeah, I'm quite skilled at riposting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bet0fb/an_rjokes_subscriber_was_fencing/
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What do you call two deaf guys and a blind guy

Anything you want, two don't know what's going on and the third can't find you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/besxdz/what_do_you_call_two_deaf_guys_and_a_blind_guy/
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Three men checked into a hotel. The clerk at the counter told them there are only one room left. Three men decided to share the bed.

Next morning, the man that slept in the right side of the bed said, "I had a really weird dream last night, I dreamed that someone jerked me off."
The man that slept in the left side said, "That's weird, I had the same dream!"
The man in the middle said, "I had a different dream, I dreamed that I went skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/besvuo/three_men_checked_into_a_hotel_the_clerk_at_the/
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Little Johnny’s teacher

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…
Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”
“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”
“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”
“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.'”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/best2m/little_johnnys_teacher/
%
Why did the console gamer cross the road?

To render the building on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/besqfm/why_did_the_console_gamer_cross_the_road/
%
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I have never had a garbanzo bean on my chest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/besmpj/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him.
This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought.
Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmer’s mouth, and he begin gasping for breath.
All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, “Mr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?” Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. “The real choke is always in the commons,” he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beskhz/henry_heimlich_the_creator_of_the_heimlich/
%
Have you heard the joke about cannibalism?

It's really eating me up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/besgjm/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_cannibalism/
%
Jack and Jill went up the hill

So he could lick her candy
Jack got a shock
And a mouthful of cock
Because Jill's real name was Randy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beseva/jack_and_jill_went_up_the_hill/
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Racecar backwards is racecar...

but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beser4/racecar_backwards_is_racecar/
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Punny monks

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bese83/punny_monks/
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How are high school teachers similar to anti-vaxx mothers?

They have to say goodbye to their kids after only 4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bese1s/how_are_high_school_teachers_similar_to_antivaxx/
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another math formula you dont remember from school: Cole's Law

cabbage + mayo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bese0k/another_math_formula_you_dont_remember_from/
%
What do you do if you come across an elephant

Wipe it off and apologize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/besdld/what_do_you_do_if_you_come_across_an_elephant/
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My boyfriend wasn't very happy when I told him that I'm not actually a woman

But I just had to be Frank about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bes5vo/my_boyfriend_wasnt_very_happy_when_i_told_him/
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Saw a homeless guy wrestling with a newspaper in the wind the other day and I really felt for him...

I also fucking hate making my bed when I'm hung-over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bes2q1/saw_a_homeless_guy_wrestling_with_a_newspaper_in/
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Making fun of anti-vaxxers will never get old

Just like their kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beryt2/making_fun_of_antivaxxers_will_never_get_old/
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Only anti-vaxxers will get this

Measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beruzu/only_antivaxxers_will_get_this/
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How did the dead baby get across the road?

Stapled to the Chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/berue0/how_did_the_dead_baby_get_across_the_road/
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If I am so dumb then...

How come I can complete a jigsaw puzzle in 6 weeks when the box says 3-6 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bert62/if_i_am_so_dumb_then/
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Famous last words between Two Scientists...

Let's try it this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bersty/famous_last_words_between_two_scientists/
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A german joke in english

Last week Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/berqvn/a_german_joke_in_english/
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A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together...

...when they spot a 10-year old boy. The priest says to the rabbi, "Hey, let's screw him!" The rabbi replies, "Outta what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/berp15/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_walking_down_the_street/
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Children are like flowers.

Apparently you can't pick them at the park.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/berlt6/children_are_like_flowers/
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What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old woman doesn't?

Her naval.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/berh1z/what_does_a_75_year_old_woman_have_between_her/
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Two Rabbis are walking past a church

They see a sign out front that says:
Convert to Christianity and we'll give you $100
They look at each other and the first Rabbi says "I'm going for it man"
About an hour goes by and he comes back outside. And the second Rabbi says
"Well what happened, did you get the money?"
To which the first guy replies
"Is that all you people think about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bercsd/two_rabbis_are_walking_past_a_church/
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What do you call an indigenous person who can’t stop giving out his two cents?

Opinionative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bercpv/what_do_you_call_an_indigenous_person_who_cant/
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If you don’t like tacos,

I’m nacho type.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/berbdy/if_you_dont_like_tacos/
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Did you hear about the scientists that successfully cross bred a duck with a golden retriever?

The results were good, but she was a foul bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bera95/did_you_hear_about_the_scientists_that/
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There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so.

One  day they came with an idea. Each time they make love, they will put a  10 note into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that  procedure for about a year.
After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.
The  husband looked at their savings and said, "Isn't it strange. Each time  we had sex, I put a 10 note into the piggy. But here we have many 20's  and a few 50 notes."
The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ber8sn/there_was_a_couple_who_were_big_overspenders_they/
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Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry

He said: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I replied: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ber8gh/went_to_ask_my_girlfriends_father_for_permission/
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A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"
"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
Well...Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday went by with the same result.
Wednesday came and went and the man still hadn't seen his wife.
Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ber5b5/a_married_man_left_work_early_on_friday_and_went/
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As the fire fighters were rushing into Notre Dame, an angry man stopped them at the door.

"Excusemoi monseuir! Entry is €12"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ber3yh/as_the_fire_fighters_were_rushing_into_notre_dame/
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An Acrobat found out that his wife was cheating on him

He flipped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ber3vm/an_acrobat_found_out_that_his_wife_was_cheating/
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My wife was getting nervous about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.

I said, “Don’t worry. We’ll all be in the same boat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ber33n/my_wife_was_getting_nervous_about_meeting_new/
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Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister...

it tastes the same, but it's just not right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ber0i3/nonalcoholic_beer_is_a_lot_like_going_down_on/
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My girlfriend has a tatoo of a shell on the inner side of her upper leg

If you put your ear against it you can smell the sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beqw0o/my_girlfriend_has_a_tatoo_of_a_shell_on_the_inner/
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You can always tell when you are getting a hand job from M. Night Shyamalan...

Because theres always a twist before the end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beqtgm/you_can_always_tell_when_you_are_getting_a_hand/
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What do you call a Mexican intergalactic smuggler?

Juan Solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beqo65/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_intergalactic_smuggler/
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Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?

You can't see in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beql8k/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
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what do you say when you have an empty pen?

"This Bic empty, YEET"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beqgyu/what_do_you_say_when_you_have_an_empty_pen/
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Why was Oedipus against profanity?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beqfod/why_was_oedipus_against_profanity/
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What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beqc8h/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
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I named my dog "Kilo"

Because he used to byte me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beqavx/i_named_my_dog_kilo/
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For sale: baby shoes, never worn

My wife is mad enough that I bought the chinchilla in the first place. She's going to freak out when she sees the accessories. I gotta get rid of them ASAP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beqaqh/for_sale_baby_shoes_never_worn/
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A boy walks in on his parents making love.

The parents quickly cover themselves and ask what he’s doing here.
The boy doesn’t answer, but asks, “What are you guys doing?”
The dad says, “Well, I’m putting a little baby brother in your mom.”
“So that’s how a baby is made?”
“Yup.” Replies the dad.
The boy shrugs it and goes to sleep.
The next day the dad comes home to see his son crying, and asks what’s wrong.
The boy says, “well, you know how you put a little bay in mom?” The dad nods. “Well the postman came home today and ate him!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beq8jw/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_parents_making_love/
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A Spanish woman was married to an Arabic man when they discovered they were going to have identical twin boys.

After much discussion, it was decided that one should be named after his paternal grandfather Amal and the other after his maternal grandfather Juan.
Years go by ...
The boys and their mom are at the grocery store one day when the boys were about 6 yrs old. As the mom was looking at cereal prices, she noticed that Amal was nowhere to be seen. She freaked out and looked in the adjacent aisles and still couldn't find him.
An employee saw Juan crying and the mom flipping out. He asked what was going on, and offered to help. He asked her if she had a photo of Amal so he would know who he was looking for.
She told him, "They're twins ... If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beq6xo/a_spanish_woman_was_married_to_an_arabic_man_when/
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The girl with no arms and legs laying by the pool

There’s a girl with no arms and legs laying by a pool.
She's tanning and enjoying herself when a handsome guy walks by and grabs her attention.
She yells over to him and asks if he can help her with something.
The guy feels bad for her so he walks over and asks her what she needs.
She says, “Well you see…I’m a virgin, and you are a very good looking guy."
The guy looks at her confused as to what she is hinting at.
She continues, "I've never had sex before, and I've always wanted to get fucked."
The guy responds, "Oh I see what you mean now."
So he throws her in the pool and says, “Now you’re fucked.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beq5s3/the_girl_with_no_arms_and_legs_laying_by_the_pool/
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Guy gets a $10 Hooker.

They go and do their thing, he pays the girl, they move on.
Next day dude comes back to complain to her. He is complaining that she gave him crabs.
She looks at the dude and says, "Well, watcha expect for $10? Lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beq5q5/guy_gets_a_10_hooker/
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Some take a year off to pursue art

Some take an ear off to pursue art.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beq2wg/some_take_a_year_off_to_pursue_art/
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How do you call the condition when a crocodile is unable to get an erect penis?

Ereptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beq14v/how_do_you_call_the_condition_when_a_crocodile_is/
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The Salesman

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One" said the young salesman.
"Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No" answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, You're weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bepzl8/the_salesman/
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Me: It's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up

Cop: That's not how field sobriety test works

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bept5i/me_its_not_about_how_many_times_you_fall_its/
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OC! A 3-legged dog walks into a bar; he’s wearing a prosthetic.

The bartender is obviously checking out his prosthesis.
“Oh that,” says the dog, “excuse the faux paw.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bept14/oc_a_3legged_dog_walks_into_a_bar_hes_wearing_a/
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I am fine letting other people dot my "i"s

But crossing my "t"s?
That's where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beps6u/i_am_fine_letting_other_people_dot_my_is/
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A husband on his death bed

Jane and Roy had been married for 40 years. They lived frugally and never had any children. Everything they owned was paid for.
Roy kept all of his money in cash at home. He always talked about how he was going to take his money with him when he died. Always saying he wanted all of his money put into his casket with him when he died.
When the day came Jane was the grieving bride, at his viewing all of their friends and neighbors came to wish her well and pay their respects.
Right before they closed the casket Jane walked up to the casket, whispered some words and put an envelope into Roy’s jacket.
Her friend asked her what that was about, Jane reminded her of what Roy always said he wanted, all of his money in his casket with him.
Jane rounded up the money, put it into her checking account, and wrote Roy a check for every last penny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bepoud/a_husband_on_his_death_bed/
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I was driving through a Forrest and felt a small bump so

I stopped and pulled over to see what happened . I had ran over a hare. Suddenly a girl came over and sprayed something on the dead hare. It then jumped up ,ran a few feet then waved .It kept repeating this and I was shocked .i asked the girl what she sprayed on the hare.
She said it was instant wave hare spray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bepnrj/i_was_driving_through_a_forrest_and_felt_a_small/
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What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bepkz3/what_kind_of_shoes_do_ninjas_wear/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like a choir boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bepk1d/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
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A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bars".
"Excuse me, sir, is there anything I can help you find?" said one of the store clerks from behind him.
"Oh, uh, yeah," the customer said, startled. He looked around him quickly and picked up one of the newer-looking tricks. "What does this do?" he asked.
The store clerk replied, "Oh, that?" She picked it up and spun it around her finger - or attempted to. "It's a Fidget Spinner Joke. You can try as hard as you want, but it will never spin."
He laughed. "That sounds hilarious! What does this one do?"
"That's our Padlock Joke - it will never open with any key ever, even the one that's provided with it."
"Cool! Can you tell me about these?" And so it went on and on as he asked the poor shopkeeper about what seemed like every new item in the store, until he came back to the wall of sweets.
"What about these Chirp Chocolates?" he asks.
"Well," says the worker, somehow still keeping her energy up, "If you eat one, it'll make you chirp like a bird for a whole minute."
"That's hilarious!" laughs the boy. "Do these Hoot Gummies make you hoot like an owl?" She nodded. "And these Squeaking Marshmallows? And- hey, what's this?" He reached into the large container of wrapped mints and pulled out a brightly-colored fishing reel that had a very tiny handle.
The clerk takes it from him, and sighs, "Oh, darn... I forgot to sort these again last night - it feels like every time I come back our Reel Joke's always hiding in the Caw Mints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bepgw4/a_new_jokes_store_opens_up_in_town/
%
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."
The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."
The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie.
"Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor.
"What the hell are you doing?" the man asks.
"Trust me," says the doctor.
The man, a little distressed, does as he's asked.
The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well.
"Come back in a week with another banana and cookie."
The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm.
The next week he returns with another banana and cookie.
"Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor.
After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, "OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer."
The man comes back with the requested items.
"Drop your pants and bend over the table."
Trembling, knowing what's coming, the man does as he's asked.
The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits... and waits... and waits...
Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, "Where's my cookie?"
And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bepe6n/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_ive_got_a/
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i only made this because i could not post in r/memes thanks to my karma being too low

one day i tried to tell a chemistry joke
but i got no reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bepdph/i_only_made_this_because_i_could_not_post_in/
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As a ginger I always get asked if the carpets match the drapes..

You should see their face when I tell them it's hard wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bepcg8/as_a_ginger_i_always_get_asked_if_the_carpets/
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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for 14 shots of bourbon.
The bartender asks “what’s the occasion?”
He says, “my first blowjob!”
“Wow, congratulations, have a shot on me”, the bartender replies.
“Nah, if 14 shots doesn’t get the taste of dick out of my mouth, nothing will”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bepal9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man jumps on a bed

expecting it to be soft and fluffy...
\*Wham!\*
Instead he experienced a very firm landing.
\*Owww!\*
I think this memory foam has amnesia!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bepa2q/a_man_jumps_on_a_bed/
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Last week a hypnotist convinced me I am a light malleable metal with an atomic number of 82

I'm easily lead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bep4d9/last_week_a_hypnotist_convinced_me_i_am_a_light/
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I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bep48c/im_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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Little Johnny comes home from school one day...

and he says to his mother, "I had sex with a teacher today."
His mother is mortified and replies, "I think you had better tell your father and see what he has to say about that!"
So Johnny goes into the other room and says "Dad, I had sex with a teacher today."
"Well good for you, son." replies his father. "I think you're finally old enough to ride your brother's bike."
"Maybe tomorrow." says Johnny. "My ass is still sore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bep0z1/little_johnny_comes_home_from_school_one_day/
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A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beozrt/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
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After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beouwt/after_death_what_is_the_only_organ_in_the_female/
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When you're a ghost, you only use 24 letters: abdefghijklmnopqrstvwxyz.

Because no one can c u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beoubi/when_youre_a_ghost_you_only_use_24_letters/
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How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beotcj/how_many_emo_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Why is game of thrones so popular?

Who doesn't enjoy a porn with good backstory?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beosy2/why_is_game_of_thrones_so_popular/
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Me to the therapist: I'm afraid of random letters

Therapist: you are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: oh I see
Me: [screaming intensifies]
Credit to u/Clanmiester , was posted in r/memes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beosvb/me_to_the_therapist_im_afraid_of_random_letters/
%
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

The bartender says "Wow, where'd you get that?" and the parrot says "Africa, there's millions of 'em there".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beoq1q/a_black_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_parrot_on_his/
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Slow Jimmy is slightly developmentally disabled, but he is a great baker.

One day his childhood friend Rachel comes into his bakery, hand in hand with another woman.
Rachel says, "Hi Jimmy, I'd like to introduce you to my fiancee who's also named Rachel.  I've told her all about you and we'd love you to make our wedding cake."
Jimmy answers, "I'm not comfortable doing that."
Rachel replies, "I didn't think you cared that I'm lesbian"
Jimmy said, "I don't care that your lesbians, but my grandpa always used to warn me about inter-Rachel marriages."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beopxo/slow_jimmy_is_slightly_developmentally_disabled/
%
How does NASA make a party?

They just planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beoo1k/how_does_nasa_make_a_party/
%
Why do women have 2 titties?

To prove that man can multitask

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beomyv/why_do_women_have_2_titties/
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I shoved a 12th century coin up my ass and I couldn't help but laugh

Old butt gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beomh5/i_shoved_a_12th_century_coin_up_my_ass_and_i/
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Three men walk into a bar...

You would have thought the third one would duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beoloe/three_men_walk_into_a_bar/
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Two friends Mark and Jack walk into the woods

Once inside, they find a lamp and rub it. Out comes a genie,"If you show me something that I've never seen before, I'll fulfil your every wish, but if that's not the case, I'll stick it up your ass."
All of them go searching. A few hours later, Mark shows up with a branch from a rare tree. The genie, saying that he has seen it, sticks the branch up Mark's ass. Surprisingly, Mark starts laughing, but also writhing in pain at once.
The genie, now confused, asks him what the matter is. He replies, "Well, I just saw Jack back there in a truck carrying the whole tree ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beol5u/two_friends_mark_and_jack_walk_into_the_woods/
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What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?

Chicken sees-a salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beol4m/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_staring_at_lettuce/
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Did you know it’s a requirement for MIT doctorates program to know how to make Ecstasy?

They need it so they can get their MD in MA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beojh3/did_you_know_its_a_requirement_for_mit_doctorates/
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Gordon Ramsey's Water

Gordon Ramsey walks in
Chef: Would you like some Ice water chef?
Gordon Ramsey: is the Ice fresh
Chef: it's frozen
FUCKEN EL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beocsv/gordon_ramseys_water/
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A baby seal walks in to a club.

... That's the whole joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beoaj4/a_baby_seal_walks_in_to_a_club/
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To be frank

I’d have to change my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beoa7h/to_be_frank/
%
A Woman is on Trial for Beating Her Husband with a Guitar...

Judge says, "First offender?"
She says, "No, first was a Gibson".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beo92o/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_with/
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An American and a Russian are arguing about freedom in their countries during the 1980s

American:  Look, in my country I can walk into the Oval Office, pound the President's desk and say Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running our country.
Russian: Well, I can do that too.
American: You can?
Russian: Yes. I can walk into the Kremlin, go to the General Secretary's office, pound his desk and say Mr. General Secretary, I don't like the way President Reagan is running his country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beo7ym/an_american_and_a_russian_are_arguing_about/
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What would happen if we took all possible school shooters and put them in one school?

Literally Fortnite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beo2h1/what_would_happen_if_we_took_all_possible_school/
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What is Forrest Gump’s password?

1forrest1!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/benyt7/what_is_forrest_gumps_password/
%
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!"
The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bent2n/a_thief_stuck_a_pistol_in_a_mans_ribs_and_said/
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One day, a vampire met God.

God granted him 3 wishes.
Vampire said, “well, always wearing black is too boring, I’d like to be all white. Then, I want to have wings. It feels weird to fly without wings. And most importantly, I want to be able to suck blood all the time.”
So God turned him into a sanitary pad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/benrnv/one_day_a_vampire_met_god/
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What do you call a zombie father?

The Walking Dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/benrer/what_do_you_call_a_zombie_father/
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Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/benl2z/guy_can_i_buy_you_a_drink_girl_sorry_but_alcohol/
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bengsg/what_did_the_left_eye_say_to_the_right_eye/
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My computers a lot like the Chargers

They both only have two fans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bencyt/my_computers_a_lot_like_the_chargers/
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When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bence7/when_i_was_a_teen_my_dad_showed_me_a_30_minute/
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Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ben9w8/did_you_know_that_if_you_hold_your_ear_up_to_a/
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It’s my cake day today so I figured I’d try out a cake joke!

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.
Doctor: Next time, take off the candles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ben87y/its_my_cake_day_today_so_i_figured_id_try_out_a/
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A woman in the park saw a man crying on the bench.

The woman came up to him and the convo went like this.
"What's wrong? Why're you crying?" The woman asked,
"It's my 22-year-old wife, every day when I wake up she makes love to me in bed, then she gives me breakfast. And after this, I go to work. She takes care of the kids and does everything for me, even the dishes. When I get home she has the energy to make love to me again. And we always fuck all night. I love her so much!" The man replied
"Then why are you sitting here crying and complaining!? You have a good life, better than most." The woman asked
"I've forgotten where I live." The man replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ben7mp/a_woman_in_the_park_saw_a_man_crying_on_the_bench/
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What do you call a green onion that spits rhymes?

A rapscallion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ben7cz/what_do_you_call_a_green_onion_that_spits_rhymes/
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Why did the farmer's coffee taste like dirt?

Because it was ground that morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ben5ru/why_did_the_farmers_coffee_taste_like_dirt/
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What do you get when you mix human DNA and a goat?

Banned from the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ben4xx/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_human_dna_and_a_goat/
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[Old] As the president of the United States, Donald Trump is required to take an obstacle course...

The man running the obstacle course tells him that in order to pass the test, he needs to get a time under 12 minutes. Trump tries his hardest going through the obstacle course, getting a time of 11:24. Happy with his time, he asks the man running the obstacle course: "Did I get the best time?"
The man gives him a look of disappointment, and says "unfortunately not."
Trump asks "Who got the best time on the course!?"
The man looks at him and says "Bush did 9:11"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ben30d/old_as_the_president_of_the_united_states_donald/
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The pope dies and gets met by Jesus at the gates of heaven.

As they step inside, a ferarri pulls up and a man in red robes steps out with a beautiful blonde on his arm.
Shocked  at such impropriety from a Cardinal, the pope asks Jesus what is going on.
"Oh," says Jesus, "he was a pious, celibate man his whole life, so dad gave him the opportunity to be a rich man and make love to women in heaven."
A few minutes later, a second car, this time a Bentley pulls up and out steps an Imam with a massive joint in his mouth and a bottle of expensive scotch in each hand.
"I'm almost afraid to ask," says the pope, "but who is that?"
"Oh, he was the head Imam in a pious mosque during his life, so dad now lets him get away with everything the Quran prohibited in life."
At that very moment, a massive gold limo pulls up, opens its doors and out comes a group of Rabbis dressed in the most expensive clothing and jewelry heaven can produce. They're accompanied by beautiful women, bodyguards, and a horde of reporters.
"Ah...that's just some of dad's relatives."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemzfd/the_pope_dies_and_gets_met_by_jesus_at_the_gates/
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A man tried to gather 50 crows together but was arrested and convicted after only getting two.

He was charged with attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemxi1/a_man_tried_to_gather_50_crows_together_but_was/
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When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!"...

When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemx96/when_a_girl_gets_pregnant_all_her_friends_touch/
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I made up the joke so I hope it’s original!

I asked the local clown, in front of my wife,if he’s been sleeping with all the women on my street.
He pointed at her and said “Jester”
Didn’t know my wife was a clown too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemw8u/i_made_up_the_joke_so_i_hope_its_original/
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My Dad Told Me This One, You Might Know It

3 men are on top of a cliff.  A mystical diety approaches them.
"I will grant you one wish, you just have to jump off the cliff!" His voice booms.
The first man,  being power hungry,  wished to be a lion,  king of the jungle.  He jumps off and screams "Lion!" And becomes one at the bottom of the cliff.
The second man, only wished to know the secrets of the world. He jumps off,  and screams "CROW!" And takes off into the sky.
The third man,  he wanted to protect anyone he could.  He runs to jump off, but trips and screams "SHHIIITTT!" The diety, never on to argue,  grants his wish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemv9m/my_dad_told_me_this_one_you_might_know_it/
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Did you know all pigeons die after sex?

At least the ones I had sex with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemtfp/did_you_know_all_pigeons_die_after_sex/
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What is the difference between organized crime and the Whitehouse?

The Whitehouse isn’t organized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemsnn/what_is_the_difference_between_organized_crime/
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A guy walks into a restaurant, sits at the counter.

He starts looking thru the menu, and sees 'chili'.  "Oh, I haven't had a decent bowl of chilli in a long time".
Asks the server for the chili, and she says "sorry dear, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl"
He notices the gentleman next to him with a bowl of chili, but he's not eating it.
"Dude, are you going to eat that?"
"No, man, go ahead"
So he starts wolfing down the chili, gets near the bottom of the bowl and sees a dead mouse.
He proceeds to throw up everything back into the bowl.
Dude says: "Yeah, that's about how far I got too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bempej/a_guy_walks_into_a_restaurant_sits_at_the_counter/
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Why do I keep seeing pictures of bald kids in children’s hospitals?

Like honestly it’s not *that* hard to wash your hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemos6/why_do_i_keep_seeing_pictures_of_bald_kids_in/
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My friend taught me the secret gay handshake

Fuck. Now I’m a mod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemoru/my_friend_taught_me_the_secret_gay_handshake/
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The only thing between a man and true, life long happiness...

are 2 vertebrae.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemoje/the_only_thing_between_a_man_and_true_life_long/
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What do you get if you're allergic to honey?

Hives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemmmj/what_do_you_get_if_youre_allergic_to_honey/
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My kid asked me “Dad, where did we come from?”

Well I decided that if he starts asking these questions he’s old enough for the sex talk, So I explained everything to him, Better hear it from me than anybody else, After I was done I asked “So what made you ask this question?”
He said” Well my friend James said his family came here from Ireland so ... “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemmkx/my_kid_asked_me_dad_where_did_we_come_from/
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

A pickpocket snatches your watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemk0w/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemji4/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_kittens/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemio2/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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How do you radicalize a Muslim?

Buy them a skateboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemi7e/how_do_you_radicalize_a_muslim/
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Whats the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn’t pay money to have a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemg1c/whats_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a/
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A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him.

He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them.
Chief: Boys you must have fucked up big time for them to have you out here digging holes.
Marine: We didn’t fuck up Chief, this is just apart of the base beautification project.
Chief: What in the?! How the hell does a line of holes make this base any nicer!
Marine: Yeah, it probably would look nicer if the guy whose job it was to plant the trees didn’t call in sick today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bemcj2/a_navy_chief_rolls_onto_base_and_sees_two_marines/
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There was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bema5c/there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_trains/
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What did the Cannibal Hysterectomy Surgeon have for dinner?

Left Ovaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bem94s/what_did_the_cannibal_hysterectomy_surgeon_have/
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A terrorist was told to blow up a car.

He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bem6up/a_terrorist_was_told_to_blow_up_a_car/
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How do you know you’ve hit Rock bottom?

When He turns around and smacks you back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bem394/how_do_you_know_youve_hit_rock_bottom/
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Respect for a joke not well received as a comment, bon appetit!

Me:"Waiter, taste the soup!"
Waiter:"Whats wrong with the soup?"
Me:"Sir, would you mind please, taste the soup!"
Waiter:"The soup is too hot?!"
Me:"No, but taste the soup"
Waiter:"Whats rhe matter, soup too cold?!"
Me:"Sir, just taste the soup"
Waiter:"Alright already ill taste the soup!! WHERES THE SPOON?!"
Me:**"AAAH-HAAA!!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bem2bd/respect_for_a_joke_not_well_received_as_a_comment/
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One day at court, the prosecutor called the first witness to the stand, and in came a gossipy old woman

The prosecutor started by asking her, "Do you know who I am?"
The old woman replied. "Yes, you're John Kim, and I must say I'm very disappointed in you. You're greedy, you treat others like dirt, and you've been keeping a mistress for years! Of course I know who you are."
The prosecutor was stunned, but tried to carry on with the proceedings. He pointed at the defense lawyer and said, "Do you know who he is?"
"Yes, he is Kenneth Skye. And I must say is that I'm very disappointed in him too. He is constantly drunk, gambles all the time, and is one of the worst lawyers around! Of course I know who he is."
The Judge immediately called the prosecution and defense to approach the bench. Once they were close enough, the Judge scowled at the pair and said. "Don't you *dare* ask her if she knows me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bem12n/one_day_at_court_the_prosecutor_called_the_first/
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A man accidentally elbow a woman’s boob

as she’s standing behind him in the hotel lobby, the man apologizes profusely and say “if your heart is as soft as your boob,  I know you will forgive me”
To which the woman reply “if you dick is as hard as your elbow, I am in room 208”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bem115/a_man_accidentally_elbow_a_womans_boob/
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what's worse then three kids in a dumpster...

One kid in three dumpsters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bem0pf/whats_worse_then_three_kids_in_a_dumpster/
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*Airhorn sound* *Second airhorn sound.*

Me: This is not my deodorant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/belyh2/airhorn_sound_second_airhorn_sound/
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Walked in on my cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot today...

I was mad because I had planned on eating that later, now it’s just gonna taste like carrots..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/belycj/walked_in_on_my_cousin_pleasuring_herself_with_a/
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What do you call a rough Italian neighborhood?

A spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/belwsx/what_do_you_call_a_rough_italian_neighborhood/
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A nun and a rastafarian sit down on a bus

The Rastafarian asks the nun if she’ll go on a date with him and then go back to his place. The nun is disgusted and tells him she sworn to only the lord and leaves
The bus driver tell the Rastafarian that that every night she goes to pray in the church courtyard and could find her there.
So later that night the Rastafarian goes to the court yard dressed in a white robe and beard. He approaches the nun and says “ I am the lord lay with me tonight and i will grant you eternal paradise” the nun agrees but says they must do it anally to preserve her holy virginity.
20 minutes later the the Man reveals himself and says “Aha im actually the Rastafarian”. The nun then removes her robe and says “And im the bus driver”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beltxp/a_nun_and_a_rastafarian_sit_down_on_a_bus/
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Mother: "Why did I see coconut all over the kitchen?!"

Father: "Coco, come in here! Don't you have wifi in your bedroom?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beltrf/mother_why_did_i_see_coconut_all_over_the_kitchen/
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Simple Math (Read out loud for best effect)

Teacher: A guy plants 3 saplings and they all grow up. How many trees are there?
Student: Easy, 3.
Teacher: No, Tree plus Tree plus Tree equals 9.
Student: Wha-
Teacher: Now a truck drives by and splats mud on all the trees. How many trees now?
Student: 9?
Teacher: No. Dirty Tree plus Dirty Tree plus Dirty Tree equals 99.
Student: ...
Teacher: Now a dog comes by. It leaves one piece of poo on one tree, another on the second tree, and one more on the last tree. how many trees now?
Student: I have no clue.
Teacher: 100. Dirty tree and a turd plus Dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd equals 100.Student: I *NEED to transfer to a real school.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/belqdo/simple_math_read_out_loud_for_best_effect/
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What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?

Catching all those chickens that had crossed it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/belpzj/what_was_the_farmer_doing_on_the_other_side_of/
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Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.

He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ."
The Priest replies "No son, you're not!"
So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ."
He says "No son, you're not."
The drunk says "Look I can prove it."
He takes the two Priests into the bar.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/belpnx/two_priests_are_walking_down_the_street_when_a/
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I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/belkj4/i_need_to_get_a_new_chess_set_because_all_my/
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Three men die one day, and are admitted into heaven.

God approaches them and says, “this is the road to heaven. The class of the vehicle you drive to heaven is determined by how faithful you were to your significant other.” The first man says, “I was very faithful to my wife, I didn’t cheat on her once.” God said, “very good, take that Lamborghini into heaven.” The second man says “I was pretty faithful to my wife, only cheated on her once.” God says “ok, take the Porsche up to heaven.” The last man says, “I was faithful to my wife, but I could have done better. I cheated on her five times.” God says, “ok, take that BMW into heaven.” On the way up to heaven, the second and third men find the first man crying on the side of the road to heaven. They asked, “What’s wrong?”. The first man responded, “I just saw my wife.” The other men say, “so?”. The first man responded, “She was riding a BIKE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beli0n/three_men_die_one_day_and_are_admitted_into_heaven/
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/belhye/what_do_you_call_an_exploding_monkey/
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One day left.

My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life."
His funeral is this Saturday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/belh4j/one_day_left/
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What did the Woman say when her brother tried to sleep with her?

Well, if you incest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/belg9q/what_did_the_woman_say_when_her_brother_tried_to/
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What do you call a mexican and a priest fighting?

Alien vs predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beld1n/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_and_a_priest_fighting/
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A drunk man was kicked out of the bar.

He is desperately wanting another drink but they won’t allow him back in. He notices two young blokes walking up tot he bar. “Hey you, buy me another drink,” he mumbles.
“Do it yourself,” the two young men laughed.
“I can’t, I was kicked of the bar,” the drunk man exclaimed.
The drunk man was given a stern look.
“I’ll tell you what, if I can prove to you that I am Jesus Christ you have to buy me a drink,” the drunk man explained.
“Alright then, what do we have to do,” the young men asked.
“Go into the bar and buy yourselves a drink,”the drunk man informs them.
The two men do so.
The drunk man kicks the door of the bar  down.
“JESUS CHRIST,” the bartender screams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bel2fu/a_drunk_man_was_kicked_out_of_the_bar/
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How does the devil tempt vacationing mathematicians?

He says "Wanna work on your tan? Cos all you have to do is sin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bel14c/how_does_the_devil_tempt_vacationing/
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Why is the area between her ribs and her hips called her waist?

You could easily fit another pair of tits there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beku1h/why_is_the_area_between_her_ribs_and_her_hips/
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What do politicians and diapers have in common?

Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bekror/what_do_politicians_and_diapers_have_in_common/
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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bekpsm/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
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Notre-dame : *burning*

Me: Just pour holy water on it
***Catholic problem requires catholic solution***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bekpj6/notredame_burning/
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In Greek culture what is the one traditional way they separate the men from the boys?

They use a crowbar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beklj5/in_greek_culture_what_is_the_one_traditional_way/
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A group of adventurers embarks on a quest

"DragonFlameKing", who is the highest level in the party, gathers the others before they begin the quest to discuss strategies and check their supplies.
-Alright, gear and equipments look fine so hear me out for a little bit. This quest is not too demanding but it's still hard. I am a Juggernaut class and as the highest level will be your leader for this one. "TeabagLordXD" will be the second in command, he is a warlock and has done this quest before so he will be responsible for communicating the situation and various commands among you all. "Heretor" is our Priest, "Mooncat" is our Bard and "xXSephiroth68Xx" our Assassin. Are you familiar with them Teabag?
-Sir, I meet them for the first time but all of us look able and ready.
-Good. Remember, stick to your roles and we got this. Don't do things outside of your role, if something else is needed we will let you know.
The group moves and enters the quest area, it is full of cliffs, rocky canyons and small mud puddles. A bit ahead they encounter a small group of enemies.
-Sir, these are lizardmen. They are resistant to physical attacks but weak to sorcery. Our Bard can put them to sleep.
-Alright, move out!
With that plan the enemies are quickly taken care of and the group advances. They now can see the next medium group of enemies.
-Sir, these are weretigers, a byproduct of dangerous magic experimentation. Their furs have magical resistance but they don't wear armor, easy prey for melee classes.
-We will charge them head on then!
DragonFlameKing and xXSephiroth68Xx make quick work of the group with the support of the others. Moving further ahead, they now see a large group of enemies.
-Sir, these are native savages. They are a warlike tribe and learn how to fight from a very small age, which is why their numbers are so big. Expect everyone to be on us, even their children can kill us if we're caught off-guard.
-Alright, I know it looks tough but stick together, stick to your roles and we'll be fine!
The large tribe charges towards the party and they are slowly chipping their HP bars down. After fending off some heavy blows, the leader takes a look around and yells.
-We're slowly going down, we need more heals! Where the hell is our Priest?
-Sir, he's chasing their children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bekgzo/a_group_of_adventurers_embarks_on_a_quest/
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The first double Helium molecule should be named after Michael Jackson

HeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bekgn1/the_first_double_helium_molecule_should_be_named/
%
A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop.

He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.
“If you don’t stop swearing, I’m going to put you in the freezer.”
The parrot continues to curse, so the man has no choice but to put him in the freezer. About a half hour later, the man opens the door to find the parrot happy to see him but freezing cold.
“Have you learned your lesson?” the man asks.
“I sure have,” the parrot replies. “I promise never to swear again.”
After thawing out for a moment, the parrot turns to the man and asks, “So what did the turkey in there do to you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bekg1o/a_man_buys_a_talking_parrot_from_the_local_pet/
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What the difference between a pizza and a tinder hookup?

You slice up the pizza before you enjoy it, not after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beke2l/what_the_difference_between_a_pizza_and_a_tinder/
%
A zookeeper stumbles across a man throwing five-dollar bills into the monkey cage.

“What the heck are you doing?” the zookeeper asks.
“The signs says it’s cool,” the man answers, pointing to a sign in front of the cages.
“No, it doesn’t,” the zookeeper replies.
“Sure it does,” says the man, tossing another bill in the cage. “It says, ‘Do Not Feed Monkeys. $5 Fine.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bekcmo/a_zookeeper_stumbles_across_a_man_throwing/
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Would you rather have sex with a teacher or a doctor?

A teacher!
The doctor just says „next please!“, the teacher goes „so and now we‘re going to repeat that once more“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bekcmc/would_you_rather_have_sex_with_a_teacher_or_a/
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How many gay guys does it take to put in a light bulb?

Just one. But it takes the entire staff of the emergency department to get it back out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bekcbm/how_many_gay_guys_does_it_take_to_put_in_a_light/
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Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.

One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!"
That was the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bekc9r/two_guys_stumble_out_of_the_bar_and_want_to_fight/
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A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.
He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."
"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.
"TWO!" Everybody braces for impending doom.
"Here it comes... THR..."
He is interrupted by a man in the saloon, "Wait! It was just a joke mister. Your horse is right out back... By the way, what'd you do in '71?"
The cowboy looks him dead in the eye and says, "I had to walk home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bek7s3/a_cowboy_strolls_into_town_on_his_horse_fireball/
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Dave walked into the office, starting his lines with: "Hey guys, I had a weird dream last night"

"God himself asked if I want to improve my memory, but my dick size decreases, or the other way around, to-"
This is where I had to stop him.
"Dave, stop. You told us this story yesterday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bek3yl/dave_walked_into_the_office_starting_his_lines/
%
A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.
“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.
“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.
“Fifty dollars!” the father replies. “I’ll just find a cheap one off the web.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bek3i1/a_boy_asks_his_father_for_a_spider_for_his/
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A stunningly gorgeous girl kept smiling at me on the bus yesterday.

After a little while I finally got the courage up to talk to her.
After some brief small talk we both got off the bus and started walking through some back streets, getting to know each other.
Then as we were walking through an alley she straight up offerred to blow me right there for $20.
She was so unbelievably hot that I couldn't resist so I played her the $20 and she did the deed.
After she wiped her mouth clean she reached into her bag, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one.
I was absolutely shocked! I could not believe what I was seeing!
I mean honestly, what kind of sick bastard sells cigarettes to a 10 year-old???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bek1ob/a_stunningly_gorgeous_girl_kept_smiling_at_me_on/
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A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bek1cf/a_man_walks_into_his_doctors_office_with_a_carrot/
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A man walks up to a janitor and asks him, "Don't you ever get tired of cleaning."

The man, taken back, says, "Excuse me sir. I'll let you know I have children at Harvard, Yale, and MIT."
The other man replies, "Oh really? I'm sorry, what classes are they taking?"
The janitor replies, "Nah, they're janitors."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bek0df/a_man_walks_up_to_a_janitor_and_asks_him_dont_you/
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A chicken walks over to a duck standing on the side of the road.

The duck is considering crossing to the other side.
“Don’t do it, pal,” the chicken says. “You’ll never hear the end of it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejzky/a_chicken_walks_over_to_a_duck_standing_on_the/
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Pavlov

walks into a bar.
A bell rings, and Pavlov says "Oh shit! I forgot to feed my dogs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejwwr/pavlov/
%
Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejvx9/was_asked_in_an_interview_if_i_could_perform/
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A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.

He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.”
“Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.”
“I do,” the man answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejuw8/a_husband_calls_for_his_wife_on_his_deathbed/
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A man places some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and starts back toward his car when his attention is diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seems to be praying with profound intensity and keeps repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approaches him and says, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. Who are you mourning? A child? A parent?”
The mourner takes a moment to collect himself, then replies, “My wife’s first husband.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beju2c/a_man_places_some_flowers_on_the_grave_of_his/
%
An adorable old woman visits the doctor.

“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.”
The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.”
“Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejryq/an_adorable_old_woman_visits_the_doctor/
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A boss finds one of his blonde employees crying in her cubicle. He asks her what's wrong and she tells him, "My mom died!"

He tells her, "I'm sorry, you should take the rest of the day off to be with your family."
The blonde replies, "But that's not even the worse thing that happened... My sister just called, and her mom died too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejrdc/a_boss_finds_one_of_his_blonde_employees_crying/
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Why is cliff front property so expensive in Scotland?

The sheep back up harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejqrk/why_is_cliff_front_property_so_expensive_in/
%
My girlfriend is really mad at me because I have bad aim when I pee...

Apparently I should try harder not to get it in her eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejq9v/my_girlfriend_is_really_mad_at_me_because_i_have/
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What’s the difference between me & cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejq7m/whats_the_difference_between_me_cancer/
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Whats the names of the Irish gay couple?

Gerald Fitz Patrick and Patrick Fitzgerald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejq23/whats_the_names_of_the_irish_gay_couple/
%
My face is so oily

That America tried to invade it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejpui/my_face_is_so_oily/
%
Everyone hates me. Nobody likes anything that I do.

Last time I opened the windows for some fresh air, the people in the aeroplane did not like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejouh/everyone_hates_me_nobody_likes_anything_that_i_do/
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A man goes to a doctor for his yearly routine physical.

The nurse starts with the basic health questions.
“How much do you weigh?” she asks.
“Oh, about 165 pounds,” he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale and his actual weight is 187.
The nurse then asks, “And how tall are you?”
“Oh, about six feet tall,” he says. The nurse checks and sees that he’s only five foot eight. She then takes his blood pressure and tells him it’s incredibly high.
“High!” the man exclaims. “Well, what do you expect? When I came in here today I was tall and lanky. Now I’m short and fat!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejnj0/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor_for_his_yearly_routine/
%
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied my wife.
I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”
“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”
I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejm4u/i_walked_in_from_work_today_and_my_wife_was/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awakens and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes ponders for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes is silent for a minute, then says, “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejm1h/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_go_on_a_camping_trip/
%
A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso.

The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"
The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejj2w/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_seeing_eye/
%
Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”
The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejibp/two_painters_paint_a_house_and_hand_the_customer/
%
A tour guide is leading a group through a museum in London.

“This mummy here is over 5,000 years old,” the guide told the group. “It’s possible that Moses saw it.”
A tourist raises her hand and asks, “When was Moses ever in London?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beji68/a_tour_guide_is_leading_a_group_through_a_museum/
%
A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.
The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”
The pastor questions, “Then how come I don’t see you in church except at Christmas and Easter?”
The parishioner whispers, “I’m in the secret service.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejgv0/a_parishioner_who_only_attends_church_on_holidays/
%
Why does France have so many rivers?

Water follows the path of least resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejgsl/why_does_france_have_so_many_rivers/
%
A struggling artist stops by the studio where his recent work is hanging for sale.

The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.
“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass away. I told him they would double, possibly triple, in value. So he bought them all.”
“Whoa!” exclaims the artist. “That’s fantastic. What could be the bad news?”
“The guy is your doctor,” the owner says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejfi6/a_struggling_artist_stops_by_the_studio_where_his/
%
A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.
“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejfgb/a_husband_is_late_coming_home_one_night_and_isnt/
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Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejf8s/son_daddy_i_fell_in_love_and_want_to_date_this/
%
What do you call a broken can opener?

A can't opener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejdtg/what_do_you_call_a_broken_can_opener/
%
Do you know what the F in Ethiopia stands for?

Food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejdjn/do_you_know_what_the_f_in_ethiopia_stands_for/
%
“It’s really hot outside,” a husband tells his wife, staring out the front window.

“What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?” he asks jokingly.
The wife replies without looking up from the morning paper, “They’ll probably think I married you for the money.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejc2j/its_really_hot_outside_a_husband_tells_his_wife/
%
So Samsung released their new foldable smartphone....

And now the problems are starting to unfold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bejbah/so_samsung_released_their_new_foldable_smartphone/
%
I'm awful when it comes to Jenga.

The odds are just always stacked against me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bej9m5/im_awful_when_it_comes_to_jenga/
%
Wi-Fi password at a bar

Me: What's the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a Coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: How much is that?
Bartender: $3
Me: There you go. Now, what's the password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bej7lr/wifi_password_at_a_bar/
%
Whats the Russian version of the movie Gremlins?

Kremlins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bej5pf/whats_the_russian_version_of_the_movie_gremlins/
%
Did you hear what happened when a Rabbi screwed up a Bris ceremony?

He apparently got the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bej3py/did_you_hear_what_happened_when_a_rabbi_screwed/
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These 3 couples went a month witout sex and this happened

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bej2gh/these_3_couples_went_a_month_witout_sex_and_this/
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My father uses Reddit

I guess it's heredditary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beizla/my_father_uses_reddit/
%
Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"
Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beizhm/husband_sat_in_his_room_throwing_darts_at_his/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger is organizing a marathon to raise money for the rebuild of Norte Dame...

... It's slogan is ...
'Run with me if you want to give'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beirgo/arnold_schwarzenegger_is_organizing_a_marathon_to/
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I was recently told that I have short term memory loss.

Oh and by the way, did I mention that I also have short term memory loss?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beir3x/i_was_recently_told_that_i_have_short_term_memory/
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When your wife isn't in the mood...

It turns into a hands on situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beiq87/when_your_wife_isnt_in_the_mood/
%
My doctor told me to stop masturbating

When I asked why he said it was making other people in the waiting room feel uncomfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beimzg/my_doctor_told_me_to_stop_masturbating/
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People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.

Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beimy8/people_get_impressed_when_i_tell_them_my_home_is/
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Pornhub is now donating money to bee preservation for every video you watch on their new site...

I guess I’m gonna go single-handedly save the bees!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beifqk/pornhub_is_now_donating_money_to_bee_preservation/
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Did you hear about the Mexican magician?

He was on stage in front of a full crowd, and started counting “Uno, Dos...”
He then disappeared without a Tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beib87/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_magician/
%
I took my wife to the psychiatrist and he said that she's completely lost her mind.

I replied that it didn't surprise me because she's been giving me a piece of it every day for last 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bei41g/i_took_my_wife_to_the_psychiatrist_and_he_said/
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling...

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What  do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a  story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.  But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his  umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly  bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at  the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the  doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?"
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.  "Someone else must of shot the bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bei1qm/an_80_year_old_man_was_having_his_annual_checkup/
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First day on the job..

Patient: how bad is it?
Me: *forgetting the word for spine* you broke your bone rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/behytj/first_day_on_the_job/
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My wife gave birth today....

My wife gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the parking lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/behqny/my_wife_gave_birth_today/
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My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/behqad/my_sister_asked_me_to_bring_her_something_hard_to/
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Folding phones are a great idea!

But on the flip side...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/behmlm/folding_phones_are_a_great_idea/
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A plane crashes and the only 3 survivors wash up on shore.

When they get to shore they are captured by the natives. The chief says they have to go into the jungle and bring back an armful of fruit.
The first guy comes back with 30 grapes. The chief says he will be allowed to live if he can fit them all up his ass.
He fits 20 grapes but can’t go on any longer, so they kill him.
The second guy comes back with 15 apples and the chief gives him the same message.
He fits 14 but then he starts laughing and can’t fit anymore, so they kill him.
Up in heaven:
1st man: Dude you were so close, what happened?
2nd man: I couldn’t help it I saw the 3rd guy come back with pineapples.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/behhaz/a_plane_crashes_and_the_only_3_survivors_wash_up/
%
"Hey Dad, is it true that vaginas look like a beautiful folded rose?"

"Well son, yes they do, but only before sex."
"Oh. Well what do they look like after sex dad?"
"Son, you ever seen a bulldog eat porridge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/behgm0/hey_dad_is_it_true_that_vaginas_look_like_a/
%
What's small, yellow, lives in a cage and makes "cheep cheep" noises?

A child prostitute in Bangkok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/behegv/whats_small_yellow_lives_in_a_cage_and_makes/
%
"Hello sir would you like to sign this petition in support of the Cheese Act that congress is trying to pass?"

"Yeah sure I'm pro-volone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/behajg/hello_sir_would_you_like_to_sign_this_petition_in/
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I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beh9g2/i_was_really_bored_so_i_decided_to_memorize_six/
%
So I went to the bank

As I was walking up to the atm an old woman asked me to check her balance , so I pushed her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beh6zv/so_i_went_to_the_bank/
%
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beh40t/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
%
The review of the sun

One star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beh3j2/the_review_of_the_sun/
%
I called a suicide helpline in Pakistan.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beh1bg/i_called_a_suicide_helpline_in_pakistan/
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Joe killed a man, and then went to the man’s funeral as a VIP.

The investigation later found it was suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/begze8/joe_killed_a_man_and_then_went_to_the_mans/
%
About to be Grounded for a Joke

Convo that just happened between me and mom (background: mom is a high-key liberal):
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Mom: Ok
Me: What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Mom: Astronaut\*
Me: Ok, what do you do if you see an astronaut?
Mom: Idk
Me: You park your car, man
Mom: ...
Me: See, now it makes no sense, not every single thing anyone says needs to be turned into a discussion of gender politics
I walked away before she said anything and now I'm patiently awaiting my death. 1 Like = 1 Prayer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/begw1g/about_to_be_grounded_for_a_joke/
%
A naked lady walks into a bar

She orders a drink.
The bartender says, “Sure, but how do you plan on paying for that?”
The lady spreads her legs and points in between them. She says, “With this.”
The bartender looks at her and says, “Do you got anything smaller?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/begv54/a_naked_lady_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I finally finished writing my thesis on constipation.

It was a real struggle to get it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/begrou/i_finally_finished_writing_my_thesis_on/
%
Knock Knock

Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
Bless you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/begovb/knock_knock/
%
I was once diagnosed as a Narcissistic Sociopath

but after a lot of hard work and a change in perspective, the doctor agreed I was just a sexy genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/begl8v/i_was_once_diagnosed_as_a_narcissistic_sociopath/
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A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/begj9n/a_prostitute_said_i_could_have_sex_with_her_for_a/
%
A nun and a priest are playing golf.

On the first hole, the nun hits a hole in one. The priest hits the ball into the rough. "Aw shit! I missed!" Yelles the priest. "The nun says "Do not say that or God will strike you down." On the ninth whole, the nun hits another hole in one. The priest hits the ball into the rough. "Aw shit! I missed!" Yells the priest. The nun says "Do not say that or God will strike you down!" On the eighteenth and final hole, the nun hits yet another hole in one. The priest hits another into the rough. "Aw shit! I missed!" He yells. "Do not say that or God will strike you down!" Yells the nun. And God does come down from Heaven, lightning bolt in hand. He raises it into the air, aims, and throws it. But he misses, and hits the nun instead. "Aw shit! I missed!" Yells God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/begj89/a_nun_and_a_priest_are_playing_golf/
%
How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/begiy6/how_do_farmers_party/
%
In trying to rid the world of weapons, Tony Stark gave it its best one ever.

Guess you could call him Irony Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beghp4/in_trying_to_rid_the_world_of_weapons_tony_stark/
%
When Thanos snapped half of all life out of existence

I noticed, that no plants nor animals vanished.
Guess what he really meant was: Intelligent life.
I'm so glad my family is save.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/begh77/when_thanos_snapped_half_of_all_life_out_of/
%
There are 3 men in a plane going over a city( a little bit long )

The first man is a football player and in the middle of the flight he throws his football out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The second guy is a businessman and a few minutes after the first man he throws his suitcase out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The third guy is a soldier and near the end of the flight he throws a grenade out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
After all three of the men come out of the plane the football player approaches a crying boy and ask him what’s wrong and the kid answers by saying a football came out of nowhere and killed my dog.
The second guy approaches a crying girl and asks her what’s wrong and the girl says a suitcase cane out of nowhere and killed my cat.
The third guy approaches a laughing boy and asks him what’s so funny and the boy says when Dad farted he blew up the house!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/begfrv/there_are_3_men_in_a_plane_going_over_a_city_a/
%
Thank God I don’t have to hunt for food....

I don’t even know where tacos live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/begeu9/thank_god_i_dont_have_to_hunt_for_food/
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But how did you make the horse laugh ?

A guy walks into a bar,
He sees a jar full of cash with 'win' written on it.
So he asks the bartender how to win it, the bartender says he must make the horse in the stable laugh.
So the man walks into the stable, comes out, and the horse is laughing.
He takes the cash and leaves.
2 days later he comes back and theres another jar, this time he must make the horse stop laughing.
So the man walks into the stable, comes back 10 seconds later and the horse is crying.
The bartender gives  him the cash and asks how he made the horse laugh.
The guy says " well the first time I told the horse my dick is bigger than his, the second time, I showed it to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/begea9/but_how_did_you_make_the_horse_laugh/
%
A man picks up a woman while it's raining

He then puts his hand on her leg. She says "That will cost you $50."
He then hands her the $50 dollars and begins rubbing her leg until he asks her "How much will it cost for me to make love to you?"
She replies "It will cost you $500, but on my conditions."
Excited, the man pulls into the next alley and parks. She then demands "Give me the money first, get out of the car, drop your pants and wait by the end of the alley."
Once she sees that the man has done this, she drives away in his car, with the money and leaves him there with his pants dropped.
Afterwards the man says "Screw it, the car was stolen, the money was fake, and I have to take a crap."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beg9wc/a_man_picks_up_a_woman_while_its_raining/
%
On the way back home from the pool with the wife and kids

Wife: I can't believe you did something that disgusting.
Me: oh, come on.  Everyone pees in the pool
Wife: NOT FROM THE DIVING BOARD!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beg7p2/on_the_way_back_home_from_the_pool_with_the_wife/
%
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beg4tx/last_christmas_we_bought_a_fake_christmas_tree/
%
What do beds and Game of Thrones have in common?

Put 2 twins together and you get a king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beg0fv/what_do_beds_and_game_of_thrones_have_in_common/
%
I asked my wife to buy me Japanese food ..

Sushi did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/befyrn/i_asked_my_wife_to_buy_me_japanese_food/
%
Want to hear a clean joke?

I took a bath with bubbles.
Want to hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles is my neighbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/befx0x/want_to_hear_a_clean_joke/
%
My wife just said we were gonna start having sex anally!!

Damn autocorrect....
Annually!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/befvv2/my_wife_just_said_we_were_gonna_start_having_sex/
%
I've been talking to an older woman for the first time...

Got up the courage and asked for nudes. Thought she ignored it... Until they showed up three days later in the mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beft2a/ive_been_talking_to_an_older_woman_for_the_first/
%
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered...

that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/befr37/i_started_to_let_jesus_take_the_wheel_but_then_i/
%
What is a pirate's favorite cheese?

CheddARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/befqeh/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_cheese/
%
Did you know there is a limit of 239 beans in a can of beans?

Adding 1 more would make it 2 Farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/befpko/did_you_know_there_is_a_limit_of_239_beans_in_a/
%
A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic offence and when she asked what her job was, she said she was a teacher.

Judge: Ma'am, I have waited years for a teacher to appear before this court. Now sit down and write: "I will not run a red light 500 times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/befhxy/a_woman_was_found_guilty_in_court_of_a_traffic/
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What does Caitlyn Jenner have in common with Wolverine?

The both are X Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/befhdq/what_does_caitlyn_jenner_have_in_common_with/
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A man is having sex with a woman

When he moans, “I love your pussy”
She responds, “thanks. My parents made it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/befh9t/a_man_is_having_sex_with_a_woman/
%
Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/befep0/why_do_jews_get_circumcised/
%
One day my friend asked me to pass her a lipstick.

I accidentally passed her a glue-stick.
She’s still not talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/befcjb/one_day_my_friend_asked_me_to_pass_her_a_lipstick/
%
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bef9wi/i_just_learned_the_medical_name_for_viagra/
%
Why doesn't Donald Duck wear pants?

He has feathers to cover his butt quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bef97d/why_doesnt_donald_duck_wear_pants/
%
So Ubisoft are giving away the French Assassin's Creed game because of the Notre Dame fire...

I guess you could say it's a fire sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bef76w/so_ubisoft_are_giving_away_the_french_assassins/
%
Two snakes are talking

Snake 1: Hey, are we venomous?
Snake 2: No, Why?
Snake 1: I bit my toungue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beewvm/two_snakes_are_talking/
%
Do you know what the hardest part about eating vegetables is?

The wheel chairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beetb1/do_you_know_what_the_hardest_part_about_eating/
%
i would tell a chemistry joke...

but im afraid i won't get a reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beenk0/i_would_tell_a_chemistry_joke/
%
Why do queens always carry scepters?

Everyone has to work scept her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beelc6/why_do_queens_always_carry_scepters/
%
[NSFW] Frank was happy in the old folks home with Charlotte always holding his member under the blanket on his wheelchair as they watched TV.

Then one day, Charlotte noticed that Frank wasn't around. When this happened, Charlotte went looking for Frank, fearing the worst had happened to him. After a bit of searching, Charlotte came across Frank, in his wheelchair, watching TV with another woman. Charlotte noticed the blanket vibrating vigorously and then noticed that the other woman had her hand under the blanket. Distraught, Charlotte yelled at Frank, "I thought I was the only one that you enjoyed watching TV with?!" Frank, barely able to string a sentence together replied, "Bu bu bu bu butttttt sh sh sh sheeeeee has Parkinsons!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beel0o/nsfw_frank_was_happy_in_the_old_folks_home_with/
%
A guy walks in to a pub in Ireland..

A guy walks in to a pub in Ireland, no one is there but the bartender. He decided to sit down and have a pint.
They strike up a conversation, the bartender says, “you see this bar here? It’s the nicest bar in all of Ireland. It’s 100% oak, chopped the trees down myself. It’ll be here for 100’s of years. But do you think they call me McGreggor the bar builder? They sure don’t.”
He goes on, “you see that rock wall down by the water? I rolled the smoothest stones all across the hills to build that wall. It’s as sturdy as any wall in the world. But do you think they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No they don’t.”
And lastly, “see that dock behind the wall? I built it with the rest of my trees I chopped down. It will never leave that spot, sturdy as any dock in the whole countryside. But do you think they call me McGreggor the dock builder? Nope, they don’t......”
“But you fuck one goat...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beekex/a_guy_walks_in_to_a_pub_in_ireland/
%
My girlfriend dumped me because I was obsessed with my job as a cashier.

I said, "Would you like your receipt in case you change your mind?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beeiz7/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_because_i_was_obsessed/
%
Doctor: "You've got to stop masturbating"

Patient: "Why?"
Doc: "Because I'm examining you.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bee8qz/doctor_youve_got_to_stop_masturbating/
%
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!

Mechanic said it could be car rot.
(I remain optimistic that one day reddit will like one of my dad jokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bee22z/rabbits_are_trying_to_eat_away_my_old_toyota/
%
If three people having sex is a threesome and four people having sex is a foursome..

I know why they call you handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bedzj1/if_three_people_having_sex_is_a_threesome_and/
%
A polar bear cub comes home from school one day and says to his mother...

“Mom, are you sure I'm a purebred polar bear? I'm not part grizzly bear or anything?"
She says, "Of course you're 100% polar bear. I'm a polar bear, your dad's a polar bear, you're a polar bear."
The next day after school, he asks his father. "Dad, am I a purebred polar bear? Are you sure I'm not part black bear or panda bear?"
Dad says, "Son, my parents were polar bears, your mom's parents were polar bears, you're nothing but polar bear."
The next day, he comes home and asks both of his parents together, "Are you sure I'm not mixed with any other kind of bear?"
Mom says, "You're a polar bear, we're all polar bears. Why do you keep asking us if you're a polar bear?"
"Because I'm fucking freezing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bedzhn/a_polar_bear_cub_comes_home_from_school_one_day/
%
Medical jokes don’t have a punchline...

They just have a flatline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bedz7l/medical_jokes_dont_have_a_punchline/
%
A girl tells her sister about her sexcapades.

She told her blonde sister that she finally did something she always dreamt of doing. She said to her, "I finally fucked a Brazilian." Her sister was amazed! "Oh my god!" she said,  "How many is a brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bedsbl/a_girl_tells_her_sister_about_her_sexcapades/
%
When you ejaculate on a woman keep it above the ankles.

You don't want to get off on the wrong foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bedsao/when_you_ejaculate_on_a_woman_keep_it_above_the/
%
An Old Man Gets An Urgent Phone Call From His Wife While Driving Home.

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!"
Herman replied, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bedook/an_old_man_gets_an_urgent_phone_call_from_his/
%
I was vacationing with some friends, and they got mad at me because I was masturbating in the shower

They said I ruined the entire Auschwitz tour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bedmwn/i_was_vacationing_with_some_friends_and_they_got/
%
What's the difference between Oral sex and Anal sex?

One makes your whole day, the other makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bedmj3/whats_the_difference_between_oral_sex_and_anal_sex/
%
An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.

After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"
The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bedlzc/an_older_gentleman_was_standing_at_a_bus_stop/
%
Dave was bragging to his boss one day

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bedig1/dave_was_bragging_to_his_boss_one_day/
%
Does my thai girlfriend have a dick

Something inside me is telling me yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bedcok/does_my_thai_girlfriend_have_a_dick/
%
The Catholic Church are asking for donations to help rebuild Notre Dame.

You can donate via Papal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bedar7/the_catholic_church_are_asking_for_donations_to/
%
No matter how kind you are,

German children are always Kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bed95n/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
If a mole working within the FBI were to come up with a joke what kind would it be?

An inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bed670/if_a_mole_working_within_the_fbi_were_to_come_up/
%
What did one Indiana resident say to the other Indiana resident at the BDSM convention?

Hoosier daddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bed3k3/what_did_one_indiana_resident_say_to_the_other/
%
John Silver was enjoying his rum in a bar when..,

...a seaman walks up to him and starts chatting him up.
The seaman notes that Long John Silver has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
Long John Silver replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.  Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman.  "What about your hook"?
"Well", replied Long John Silver, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.  One of the enemy cut me hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman.  "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied Long John Silver.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said Long John Silver, "it was my first day with me hook".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bed1ak/john_silver_was_enjoying_his_rum_in_a_bar_when/
%
I am going bananas

That is what i say to my bananas every time i leave the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/becong/i_am_going_bananas/
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My posts on Reddit are like anti-vaxx kids...

They both die in new

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/becojz/my_posts_on_reddit_are_like_antivaxx_kids/
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Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child his father held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his father held him by the groin, this was where he became vulnerable. In the case of Achilles, this was his heel, so you may have heard of an Achilles heel, or the Achilles’ tendon, but I bet you have never heard of Bophades nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/becn65/have_you_ever_heard_of_the_greek_hero_bophades/
%
A man named Ralph decides that he can’t stand his wife any longer, and decides to hire a hitman.

He checks the newspaper one morning and sees an ad that says, “Get any job done for $1.” Ralph excitedly calls the number from the ad, and a man answers.
Man: “Hello, this is Artie. How can I help you?”
Ralph: “Hi there, I saw your ad in the paper and was wondering if you could help me take care of my wife?”
Artie: “Of course, no problem. For jobs like this, I tend to go the route of asphyxiation. Is that alright with you?”
Ralph: “Honestly, I’m fine with whatever gets the job done.”
The men exchange information and Artie agrees to be at Ralph’s house the next day at 3 o’clock sharp. When Artie arrives, Ralph quietly rushes him inside and shuts the door.
Ralph: “I completely forgot that my wife has her monthly book club meeting today. Her and her two friends are in the living room, and I don’t want any witnesses. Can you take out all three of them? I’m willing to pay extra.”
Artie: “You know what? I’m in a good mood. I’ll take care of all three of ‘em, no extra charge.”
Artie barges into the living room, takes the women out, and is given a dollar by Ralph. The local police open a huge investigation surrounding the murders. The transaction between Ralph and Artie is uncovered and the men are arrested. Eventually, the newspaper takes interest in the events and decides to put the story on the front page with the headline:
‘Artie Chokes 3 for $1 at Ralph’s.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beclm7/a_man_named_ralph_decides_that_he_cant_stand_his/
%
Why did the cow cross the road?

Who knows why your momma does anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beck5s/why_did_the_cow_cross_the_road/
%
A guy tries to kill himself

Fed up with his disgusting life, a absent-minded man decides to kill himself. He writes a long note to his wife, who was out working as a cashier. Then, he prepares to do the deed.
The wife comes back home a few hours later, and find his husband dangling from the ceiling with a rope tied around his foot.
His wife asks, bemused: "What are you doing up there?"
The man replies: "I'm trying to kill myself."
The wife is thoroughly confused: "Isn't the rope supposed to hang around your throat?"
The man was quick to come up with an answer.
"See, I tried it that way, but I couldn't breathe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/becgkt/a_guy_tries_to_kill_himself/
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Relationships are like farts

If you have to force it it's going to be crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/becgfn/relationships_are_like_farts/
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What do you call a group of white guys on a bench?

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/becf78/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_white_guys_on_a_bench/
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My math teacher hates mixed fractions

I'm guessing that's why what she teaches is improper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/becb2x/my_math_teacher_hates_mixed_fractions/
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Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

Well, you got to hand it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/becaek/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_prostitute/
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Mountains aren't funny

They are hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bec988/mountains_arent_funny/
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What do you call a French website hosting multiple chat rooms?

A *chat*eau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bec8on/what_do_you_call_a_french_website_hosting/
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A blind man

walks into a restaurant. And a chair. And a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bec5pz/a_blind_man/
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If I had a dollar for every women who didn't find me attractive,

More women would find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bec5hx/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_women_who_didnt_find/
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[Long] Not my joke, heard it at work today.

A hunter was hunting ducks up in Maine. He had successfully bagged 3 beautiful ducks, threw them in his canoe, and started paddling down the river. When he got back to his campsite, a game warden was there waiting for him.
Warden: "Well it seems like you got lucky today. Why don't you hand over one of them ducks so I can make sure it's legal."
The hunter hands him a duck. The warden then sticks his finger up the duck's ass, and licks his finger. "This here's a Vermont duck. You got your Vermont license mister?"
Hunter: "Why yes sir I do, here ya go."
Warden: "Hand me another one of them ducks."
The warden proceeds to stick his finger up the ass of the second duck and licks his finger. "This here's a New Hampshire duck. You got your New Hampshire license mister?"
Hunter: Feeling even more puzzled, "... Uhh yeah here you go."
The warden then asks for the 3rd duck and sticks his finger up that duck's ass and licks his finger. "This here is a Maine duck. You got your Maine license?"
Hunter: "Yes sir here ya go."
Warden: "Well it looks like everything is all set. But ya know, I've never met anyone who had licenses for all the different ducks round these parts. Where are you from boy?"
The hunter drops his pants and bends over in front of the Warden, "You're so fucking good at it, why don't you tell me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bec0d5/long_not_my_joke_heard_it_at_work_today/
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Dad, what does it mean to be drunk?

Dad: "You see these four trees outside? A drunk person would see eight."
Son: "But Dad, there are only two..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bebyp6/dad_what_does_it_mean_to_be_drunk/
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What does a cow with no lips say?

Ooooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bebs4g/what_does_a_cow_with_no_lips_say/
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What’s the difference between an egg and me?

An egg gets laid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bebq2l/whats_the_difference_between_an_egg_and_me/
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Four Catholic ladies are discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bebl1p/four_catholic_ladies_are_discussing_how_important/
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What happened to the semi colon who broke the law?

He got given two consecutive sentences

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bebgwo/what_happened_to_the_semi_colon_who_broke_the_law/
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A mom wanted her three sons to stop swearing...

...so she decides she needs to start punishing her children.
The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast.
Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast.
Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over.
Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while.
Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bebd2g/a_mom_wanted_her_three_sons_to_stop_swearing/
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Why did the cucumber cross the street?

Because it was green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beb2l5/why_did_the_cucumber_cross_the_street/
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You will never date the cute bank teller you see every week.

She's seen your account balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beb0bh/you_will_never_date_the_cute_bank_teller_you_see/
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So my friend and I were asked to a fancy dress party

The theme was emotions...
The host opened to door to me wearing a dress and my friend with his penis on a bowl of custard.
Confused, he asked “so what emotions are you guys meant to be?”
My friend said “well he’s in dis dress, and I’m fuckin dis custard”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beaylu/so_my_friend_and_i_were_asked_to_a_fancy_dress/
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How do Mexicans play basketball?

Juan on Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beaxq1/how_do_mexicans_play_basketball/
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My mate punched my driver for pulling into the cycle lane...

He\`s a bit of a CYCLE-PATH.......
yeah its bad..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beaxlb/my_mate_punched_my_driver_for_pulling_into_the/
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Is eating pussy vegan?

Only if you’re good at it. Otherwise it’s a product of animal suffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beawly/is_eating_pussy_vegan/
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Last night I was so stoned..,.

the cops pulled over somebody on TV, and I ate the joint I was smoking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beaw84/last_night_i_was_so_stoned/
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If you don't like the U.K's new upcoming porn laws.

Beat it, kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beapcf/if_you_dont_like_the_uks_new_upcoming_porn_laws/
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My mom keeps trying to tell me the importance of Algebra:

But I still don’t see Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beamj6/my_mom_keeps_trying_to_tell_me_the_importance_of/
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My grandfather told me this one

Three moles are in a den, when one of them sticks it's head out and says "I smell molasses!" The second one does the same, but when the third tries to poke it's nose out it's blocked by the other two and says; "I smell mole asses!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beakbe/my_grandfather_told_me_this_one/
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My girlfriend hates that I refer to her body as an amusement park.

I hate that I always have to stand in line and wait for my turn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beaj6q/my_girlfriend_hates_that_i_refer_to_her_body_as/
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Although I wouldn't say it's a major character flaw,

my premature ejaculation is certainly a shortcominng.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beahbg/although_i_wouldnt_say_its_a_major_character_flaw/
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What do you call a vagina that says the n word?

A racist cuny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beafwi/what_do_you_call_a_vagina_that_says_the_n_word/
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How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beaetl/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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10 or more girls asks me out everyday.

I go to the ladies toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beadyf/10_or_more_girls_asks_me_out_everyday/
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Don’t own it but kept hearing it when I was young

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!" The duck thanks him and leaves.
The duck walks into the bar the next day. Silent for a moment, the duck goes to the bartender and asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/beaag9/dont_own_it_but_kept_hearing_it_when_i_was_young/
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5 people on an airplane.

5 people are on a plane, the pilot has had a heart attack and no one is capable of flying as the plane hurtles towards a mountain. There's only one problem, there are only 4 parachutes.
The five people are all unique and brought with them items specific to their trades or hobbies.
There was a priest, and he had with him a cross and a bible.
There was a doctor, who had brought his kit and some medical books.
There was the smartest man in the world, who brought books to read so he could make himself even smarter.
There was a young boy, who had with him his backpack and a portable gaming device.
And last but not least, there was the dumbest guy in the world, who brought a hammer so he could hit himself in the head and make himself even dumber.
The doctor proclaims, "I save people's lives, I definitely deserve to live!" And he grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.
The dumbest man in the world says, "I'm the dumbest man on earth, I need to live so I can get even dumber." And he grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.
The smartest man in the world exclaims, "I am the smartest man in the world, I need to live longer so I can get even smarter!" And he grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.
There is only one parachute left now, and the priest says to the boy, " Go on son, take it. I've lived a long, good life."
The boy responds, "That's ok, the smartest guy in the world just took my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bea635/5_people_on_an_airplane/
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Man in the Woods

A naked old man stumbled out of the woods on the side of a dirt road. I stopped to see if he was alright.
Me: "Hey sir, you doing alright?"
Him: "I'm fine. What's it to ya?"
Me: "Just curious. What brought you all the way out here?"
Him: "Just huntin and fuckin"
Me: "...what are you hunting?"
Him: "Something to fuck..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bea62i/man_in_the_woods/
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What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bea4yg/whats_the_most_dangerous_part_of_a_car/
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An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”
“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”
He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He hands her a second set of teeth that are too small. Finally, the third set fits just right.
“Thank you so much,” the old woman says. “Do you have a business card? I’ve been looking for a good dentist for some time.”
“Oh, I’m not a dentist,” the man replies. “I’m an undertaker.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bea4t0/an_old_woman_accidentally_drops_her_fake_teeth_at/
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What happens when you give politicians Viagra?

They get taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bea3y1/what_happens_when_you_give_politicians_viagra/
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I was voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by my graduating class.

I hate being a teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bea399/i_was_voted_least_likely_to_succeed_by_my/
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A boy with nothing else but a head

A boy was born as only a head. No other parts of his body. Somehow, the head didn’t need the rest of his body to live, a medical mystery.
10 years has gone by, every afternoon, the boy’s mother has set his head to look through the window and watch his schoolmates play baseball. One night, the boy prayed extra hard, asking god for a body.
The next morning, miraculously, he woke up with a body! That afternoon, he begged his mom to let him play baseball with his friend. Exciting for the boy, the mother said yes. The boy was set to play outfield, and the first hit was a pop-fly. He ran as fast as he could and right before he caught it, he was hit by a car and died instantly.
Moral of the story? Quit while you’re ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bea0y9/a_boy_with_nothing_else_but_a_head/
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Tits are like video games ...

They were created for kids, but the adults love to play with them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bea0r1/tits_are_like_video_games/
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Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.
"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."
The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great... you'll be fine, trust me."
The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?"
"I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bea0pe/detroit_isnt_that_bad_trust_me/
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An old man and his wife are in bed. After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”
The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”
A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”
Furious about losing, the wife rips another fart and yells out, “The score is tied!”
The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose. He strains incredibly hard, but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed. The wife hears the noise and asks, “What in the world was that noise?”
The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bea0ge/an_old_man_and_his_wife_are_in_bed_after_lying/
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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel

"Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key. The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed.
At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening.
Next morning, still surprised by last night's events, he goes downstairs to settle the bill. "How was your room sir?" asks the receptionist. "Excellent, I will come back again. What do I owe you?" asks the man. "Well. actually, sir, we are doing a promotional offer. Not only do you not have to pay but we give you $10 as a welcome gesture," says the receptionist. "What?" says the guy, very surprised indeed. "That's amazing." He takes the ten-dollar bill and wanders off, thinking whether his buddies will believe him or not. Needless to say, after a few days he's told all his friends and neighbors about room 13 and the amazing night of passion.
The next week one of his buddies goes to check out the room. "Room 13 please." "Certainly, sir, here's your key." After he gets in bed, at the same time, 2 o'clock, three girls this time, extremely horny, get in bed and screw his brains out. The next morning, not only does he not have to pay, but he too gets $10.
After a month, everyone knows this hotel and especially room 13. Everyone that stays in room 13 gets the same treatment: a good screw and a ten bucks.
After a few weeks, the story reaches the President. The President decides to check the story out for himself. He visits the hotel and asks for room 13. He gets the keys and goes upstairs.
After a couple of drinks he gets in bed waiting patiently for the naked girls to appear. Indeed at about 2 0'clock in the morning two naked ladies come to bed. They are as horny and wild as all the stories the President has heard. The President gets his pecker out and screws both of them all night long. This is the night of his life.
Next morning he goes to reception and when he asks how much the bill is, the receptionist says, "Nothing to pay, sir. Actually, we are doing an introductory offer. Here's $50 as a welcome gesture." Curious, the President asks the receptionist, "Well, that's strange. Everyone else who comes here gets $10. Why do I get $50?".
"Well, sir," says the receptionist. "This is the first time we've filmed a porn movie with a President in it"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be9zr8/one_night_a_guy_goes_to_get_a_room_in_a_hotel/
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My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be9x7d/my_dad_showed_me_a_30_minute_powerpoint/
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A Priest, A Minister, A Rabbi, and A Bear

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who is best at his job. So each one goes into the woods to find a bear and try to convert it.
Later, they all get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion."
The minister says: "I found a bear by the stream and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him."
They both look down to the rabbi, who is lying on a stretcher in a full body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I should not have started with the circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be9wd3/a_priest_a_minister_a_rabbi_and_a_bear/
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the hot pocket before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be9qtf/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be9q4b/after_years_of_speculation_researchers_have/
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What's a Texan's favorite moving company?

U'all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be9pt9/whats_a_texans_favorite_moving_company/
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(This is actually a joke by Jim Morrison) A Friend Of Mine Wanted a Duck Hunting-Dog...

...so he went to an old-timer to ask for some advice. He told him to find a dog with a tight asshole so that when the dog goes in the water, it won’t flood in his asshole causing him to sink. So my friend goes to the kennel, checking all of the dog’s assholes. The kennel owner sees him and asks what the fuck he’s doing. So my friend explains. The kennel owner lets out a small chuckle, approaches one of the dogs my friend had inspected, and twisted its balls so its asshole clenched up. “I’m sorry, I had that one adjusted for quail,” the kennel owner said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be9obw/this_is_actually_a_joke_by_jim_morrison_a_friend/
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I passed my drug test today.

As a reward for my positive results, I get to go to a resort for a few months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be9o6x/i_passed_my_drug_test_today/
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A blind deaf mute was arrested for homicide last night.

It was a senseless murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be9lyk/a_blind_deaf_mute_was_arrested_for_homicide_last/
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Three insurance salesmen are having drinks and boasting about each company’s service.

The first one says, “When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”
The second one says, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in two hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening.”
The last salesman says, “That’s nothing. Our office is on the twentieth floor in the Sears Tower. One of our insured, who was washing a window on the eighty-fifth floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be9kl8/three_insurance_salesmen_are_having_drinks_and/
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I have a confession to make:

I masturbate in the shower.
-
It feels good to come clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be9iyo/i_have_a_confession_to_make/
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Two men are sitting in a sauna after a workout. “I’ll be honest, my wife really is an angel.”

“You’re lucky,” the second man answers, wiping the sweat from his brow. “My wife is still alive.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be9grp/two_men_are_sitting_in_a_sauna_after_a_workout/
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Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"
Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"
Man: "Yes."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"
Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?"
Man: "Yes."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay."
Doc: "Do you stay up late?"
Man: "Yes."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall."
Doc: "Do you have sex often?"
Man: "Yes."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I’ll do that too."
Doc: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "Yes."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will."
Doc: "Do you drink?"
Man: "Yes..."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?"
Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be98b6/doctor_unfortunately_sir_you_have_only_1_week_to/
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A second-grade teacher is giving her daily grammar lesson.

“Tammy,” the teacher calls out to a girl in the first row of class, “please use ‘I’ in a sentence.”
“I is,” Tammy begins, but was immediately interrupted.
“No, Tammy,” the teacher says, “that’s incorrect. You always say ‘I am.’”
“All right,” Tammy says. “I am the letter that comes after H.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be919d/a_secondgrade_teacher_is_giving_her_daily_grammar/
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day.

The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you’re smart, how the hell do you know?"
Tonto replied, "Face sticky."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8w1b/the_lone_ranger_and_tonto_were_riding_on_the/
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I decided to do some good and spread some positivity...

The HIV clinic didn’t take well to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8twf/i_decided_to_do_some_good_and_spread_some/
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What did the cop say to the black nurse after his vasectomy?

Don’t run, I shoot “blanks”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8ttf/what_did_the_cop_say_to_the_black_nurse_after_his/
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If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8req/if_there_was_a_competition_for_saggy_tits_my_wife/
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A man is lost in a hot air balloon

He sees a field below and descends to shout:
"Hey can you tell me where I am? I'm trying to get to a friend whom I said I would meet in 30 minutes."
The man in the field says: "Yes, you are in a red hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above the ground, in the middle of this field"
"Ah, you must be an engineer", replies the balloonist
"I am indeed, but how did you know?", asks the man.
"Well", says the balloonist, "everything you've said is technically right, but is of no use to anyone"
To this, the man replies: "Any you must work in management"
The balloonist confirms this, but asks how the man knew.
"Well", replies the man, "You don't know where you are, how to get where you're heading, made a promise you can't keep. You expect me to be able to help, but after all this time, we're in the exact same position we were before, but now it's my fault"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8ots/a_man_is_lost_in_a_hot_air_balloon/
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Why are there two D's in Reddit?

The second D is a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8na9/why_are_there_two_ds_in_reddit/
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Not mine, but a goodie I like to tell. It takes a second after you finish to get it.

3 Guys, Bob, John and Steve go out for a round of golf. When they get to the 1st tee they see a guy standing there. The guy notices them and says "Oh hey guys sorry my party didn't show umm do you mind if I join in with you?" The 3 guys agree to let him join.
After a few holes the guys get curious about their new mystery friend and decide to ask a few questions.
Steve: "So hey man what do you do for a living?"
Guy: "Oh I'm just a professional hitman nothing special."
The group laughs it off and takes it as a joke
Guy: "No I'm serious my rifle is actually in my bag take a look."
John heads over to look into his bag. "Holy shit there is a rifle in here, and it has a massive scope on it. I bet I could see my house from here with that thing." John asks the Hitman if he can take a look the and the Hitman says "Sure"
John takes out the rifle and starts looking around.
John: "Yep I can see my house with this thing... wait a minute...I can see my wife and she's half naked and there's my neighbor Alan...What the fuck..."
John is obviously pissed off and walks around and murmurs to himself for a minute,
John to Hitman: "So uh hey how much do you charge?"
Hitman: "I charge a thousand bucks every time I pull the trigger."
John: "Ok man here's what I want you to do, I want you to shoot my cheating wife in that nagging mouth of hers and my dick neighbor in his dick!"
The Hitman takes his rifle and gets down and sets up a position of firing. Some time goes by and John is getting impatient. "C'mon man what's taking you so long?"
Hitman: "Relax dude I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8mwy/not_mine_but_a_goodie_i_like_to_tell_it_takes_a/
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Ping Pong Balls

Four friends are driving down the road when suddenly they see this beautiful girl out in the middle of a cornfield.
They approach the girl in their truck and decide to get out. They start flirting with the girl, talking over each other so they can win her over when suddenly an old beat down truck shows up. Leaving his vehicle, the girls father approached the young boys. He looks at them and says "If you want to get with her you're gonna have to impress me with a difficult task."
This catches the attention of the boys, and they ask for further instructions on what they had to do. The farmer looks at them and says "I want you boys to go out and bring back the most pong balls. Whoever brings back the most ping pong balls can have her."
So the boys are off, all heading in their separate directions. 30 minutes pass and one of the boys shows up with a bucket full of ping pong balls.
"Pretty good" the father says "but we gotta wait for the others.
Another 50 minutes go by when the second boy shows up with a dumpster full of ping pong balls.
"Very nice! But there's still two other boys we have to wait on."
3 hours pass before the third boy shows up and he has a whole semi truck full of ping pong balls. "Holy cow!" The farmer exclaims "I've never seen so many ping pong balls in my life! You definitely did better than those other two but there is still one more boy to wait for."
9 hours pass and the father is getting impatient when suddenly the fourth boy shows up, bloodied and beaten. His clothes were ripped and he looks absolutely mauled.
"What the hell happened?!" The father asked concerned.
"Well" starts the boy " I found that island and I decided to go for it. I started swimming across the way and made it to the island. I looked up in the tree and saw that ape..."
"You idiot!" Exclaimed the father. "I said ping pong balls! Not King Kong balls!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8luq/ping_pong_balls/
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I wrote down the names of everyone I hate, and my roommate used that paper to roll his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8lla/i_wrote_down_the_names_of_everyone_i_hate_and_my/
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A boy asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between potential and realistic?"

The father says, "Well, son, it's easier for me to show you with an example. Why don't you ask your brother, your sister and your mom the same question, and then come back with what you've learned."
"Okay, dad!" The boy exclaims, "What's the question?"
"Ask them each if they'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
The boy goes to his older sister first. He asks her, "Hey sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
His sister says, "Of course I would! Hell, I'd fuck him for free if I had the chance!"
The boy then goes to his mother, "Mom, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"A million dollars?" His mother laughs, "It would be my dream to sleep with Brad Pitt! Of course I would!"
Then the boy asks his brother, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The brother thinks for a moment. He is visibly weighing the pros and cons of sleeping with a man, in return for such a large sum of money. Finally, he answers "I mean, for a million dollars? I could definitely pay off a lot of debt and buy a bunch of cool stuff with that money. Yeah, I guess I would."
The boy returns to his father, proud and happy that he's finally discovered his answer. "Dad," he says, "I know the difference between potential and realistic now!"
His father says, "well, then, what is it?"
"Well, dad, it's easier for me to show you with an example. *Potentially*, you and I are sitting on 3 million dollars. *Realistically*, though, we live with two whores and a fag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8lhf/a_boy_asks_his_father_dad_whats_the_difference/
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What do you call a Canadian cholo?

An es-EH?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8jnd/what_do_you_call_a_canadian_cholo/
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I went to Australia and the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record

I didn't know that was still a requirement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8has/i_went_to_australia_and_the_immigration_officer/
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So, Pinnochio goes to Geppetto and asks about girls...

Geppetto responds, “Ahh, i know exactly what you need. Here’s a few condoms.”
Pinnochio leaves, comes back later, very sad.
Geppetto asks, “Whats wrong Pinnochio?”
Pinnochio looks at Geppetto, and says “Geppetto, all of the girls complained about splinters. The splinters were tearing the condoms...it was awful.”
Geppetto responds,”I know exactly what you need. Here’s some sandpaper.”
Fast forward a day, Pinnochio is walking through the house and Geppetto asks him, “So Pinnochio, how were the girls?”
With the biggest grin, Pinnochio responds,”Who needs girls when you got sandpaper!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8eyj/so_pinnochio_goes_to_geppetto_and_asks_about_girls/
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Passing through his son’s college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit.

The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. “You need something, pal?” a frat brother asks from the window.
“Yes, does Billy Powers live here?” the father asks.
“Yeah,” says the frat brother, “just dump him on the steps and we’ll grab him in the morning.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8brd/passing_through_his_sons_college_town_late_one/
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Which is the most educated nut?

mAcademia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8bfm/which_is_the_most_educated_nut/
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A chicken walks into a library and says:

"Book book book."
The librarian hands the chicken 3 books. On the way out, the chicken runs into a frog.
The chicken shows the books to the frog and says:
"Book book book."
The frog replies:
"Reddit reddit reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be8bc4/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library_and_says/
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Which state worships the Islamic god?

Allah-bama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be88js/which_state_worships_the_islamic_god/
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Best knock-knock joke ever

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be872q/best_knockknock_joke_ever/
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When I was born I was circumcised.

It hurt so bad, I couldn't walk for a year. In fact, I was so mad at my parents that I didn't talk to them for 9 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be85xa/when_i_was_born_i_was_circumcised/
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If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.
B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.
C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be85ws/if_a_girl_is_uncomfortable_watching_you/
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If a cow is unable to produce milk...

Is it an udder failure?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be858b/if_a_cow_is_unable_to_produce_milk/
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The Great War

A man invents time travel in 1915. He goes 100 years into the future and exclaims in awe
“My god, how far has the world progressed since The Great War”
“Don’t you mean World War One”
“One?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be7xj5/the_great_war/
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What do Samwell Tarly and Theon Greyjoy have in common?

They both wish they still had their Dickon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be7w94/what_do_samwell_tarly_and_theon_greyjoy_have_in/
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I am a waiter.

I wait for bus at bus stand daily while going to college

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be7ua5/i_am_a_waiter/
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Johnny is looking after the cat while Mom and Dad are on vacation

After being away a few days, Mom calls Johnny to check in :
Mom: "Hi Johnny, how's the cat?"
Johnny: "I'm really sorry Mom, but she died."
She was very upset and angry at this news and she said to Johnny:
"That's a horrible way of breaking such news! Why couldn't you have softened the blow to make it easier to deal with!?
You could have told me that the cat climbed up on the roof and you couldn't get her down. Then the next day, you could have told me that she fell off the roof and the Vet is working on her. Then the next day, you could have told me that the Vet did everything he could but the cat passed away. THAT is how you break such terribly upsetting news!"
Johnny apologized for being so insensitive.
A couple of days later, Mom rang Johnny to see how things were at home.
Johnny replied "Grandma has climbed onto the roof..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be7n44/johnny_is_looking_after_the_cat_while_mom_and_dad/
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Bran Stark and Jamie Lannister cross paths for the first time after the incident...

Jamie: Hey, need a push?
Bran: No, but I could use a hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be7ic9/bran_stark_and_jamie_lannister_cross_paths_for/
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When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.
Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.
I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).
Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.
My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.
After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.
Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.
My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.
Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her.
But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.
A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised. But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone.
It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be7h8n/when_i_was_about_17_or_18_i_first_noticed_that_my/
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A man with a stutter goes to the doctor

Patient: "D-d-doctor, I h-h-have a p-problem w-with m-m-ma wife..."
Doctor: "What's the issue? Is it the stutter? You know that I'm a plastic surgeon, right?"
Patient:"Y-yes a-a-I'm f-f-fully a-a-aware of that. e-e-It's n-n-not the sssss-tutter, e-it s'actually b-bout my penis... It's t-t-too b-b-big. e-e-It's b-being a ssss-erious isss-sue f-for our s-sex life."
Doctor: "Alright, that shouldn't be a problem to fix. You've found the right guy for the job!"
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~
A couple of days pass after the operation. The patient returns, and strides with a huge grin on his face into the doctor's office:
Patient: "I am so happy! It worked, we've been at it like rabbits!"
The doctor, surprised at the fact that the patient had lost his stutter:
"I 'm happy to hear! Seems like we've killed two birds with one stone there!"
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~
Another couple of days pass, the patient returns, with a glum expression, to the doctor:
Patient: ***SIGHS. "***Now she's complaining that it's too small, and that it's not good enough anymore!"  the patient exclaims in defeat. "I want to revert the operation!"
The doctor crosses his arms in front of him and looks to the floor:
"A-A-a... A-I'm a-afraid thhh-that's n-n-not p-p-possible a-anymore..." the doctor stutters.
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~
P.S.: That's a joke my parents told me a long time ago, and thought I'd share it. Lmao, they're both doctors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be7fa2/a_man_with_a_stutter_goes_to_the_doctor/
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So my commander in the army decided to tell a story to pass the time...

Commander: Today very boring, nevermind, I tell y'all a story.
Usually when me and the other commanders gather around we like talk about experiences the night before with our wives before we book in (come back into camp).
So commander A was telling us over breakfast that his wife made his a herbal tea that lets him continue going for 3 straight times in a row. Commander B laughed at him saying that 3 is nothing. He can go 5 with no help.
So as you know, I'm quite old so I cannot do so many time. So I just keep quiet try to eat my food. But the commanders dont want to leave me alone, they keep pestering. "Eh u can do how many times?"
I head down no face say quietly can only do one time. All the commanders laughed then I just try to eat my food, ignore them. Then commander B ask "eh so what ur wife say".
I replied with "she say please don't stop honey, but I told her morning already I need to go to work"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be7eet/so_my_commander_in_the_army_decided_to_tell_a/
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Jesus and Moses are taking a walk along the beach of the red sea.

Jesus looks out at the water and asks "hey Moses you think you still got it?" Moses huffs and puts his staff in the water, the water rushes to the sides and the red sea splits. Moses smiles and pulls his staff, the sea goes back to normal. "Alright your turn, i want to see you walk on water" jesus starts walking out on the water, he gets about 10 feet and trips, gets back on the water and comes back. He trips a few more times on the way back and his feet are under the water a little. He looks at moses " i guess I'm not ss strong as i thought  was" moses says " don't worry jesus, the last time you tried that you didn't have holes in your feet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be7e0z/jesus_and_moses_are_taking_a_walk_along_the_beach/
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Dark Joke

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be7cx6/dark_joke/
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My favorite short joke

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's witnesses.
Because Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be7cpu/my_favorite_short_joke/
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Not very good, but I haven’t forgotten it in a few years. Hope you like it.

Three strings walked into a bar. When they sat down, the bartender said “I’m sorry. We don’t serve strings here.” Disappointed, the strings left.
Not long after, the strings wanted to all go back to the bar. One of them had the idea of undoing the tip of his hair. They all did the same.
The three strings with their frayed hair walked back in and the bartender said: “Hey, aren’t you those strings?”
One of them said: “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be7bes/not_very_good_but_i_havent_forgotten_it_in_a_few/
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What do you call a man who has 5 dishwashers?

A Mormon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be7abn/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_has_5_dishwashers/
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So a son and a dad are driving....

The son asks: dad, what's an alcoholic?
The dad says: son you see those four cars up there, an alchohlic would see eight.
Then the son says: dad, there's only two cars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be74i9/so_a_son_and_a_dad_are_driving/
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Two men are playing golf

Two men are hitting the links one day when they realize that they are approaching a pair of women players ahead of them.  Realizing that they need to observe proper etiquette, the first man starts to walk down the green to ask if they can play through.
About half way down the green, the first man stops and makes a sudden about face, running back to his partner.
"I cannot ask those women if we can play through," the first man says through his breaths.  "One of those women is my wife while the other is my girlfriend.  Can you go ask?"
The other man starts down the green when he stops at the same point and also makes a hurried rush back.
"Small world!" the man says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be73zf/two_men_are_playing_golf/
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My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on
Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be73xg/my_wife_wore_a_vaccines_cause_autism_shirt/
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Whats Gordon Ramsay's favourite sub-reddit.

IT'S FUCKING R/AWW , YOU IDIOT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6zri/whats_gordon_ramsays_favourite_subreddit/
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My Grandfather has the heart of a lion

...and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6yz7/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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What do you call a communist howitzer?

OUR-tillery
This is some original content

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6uyb/what_do_you_call_a_communist_howitzer/
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Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

Moses tees up and swings, and unfortunately his ball ends up in a water trap. He curses, then parts the water to retrieve his ball.
Jesus tees up and swings. His ball also goes into the water trap. He doesn't curse, but thinks for a moment. He then walks across the water and retrieves his ball.
The old man then swings, and his ball also goes into the water trap. However, a fish swims over and eats the ball, then a bird swoops down and eats the fish. As its flying away, it gets struck by lightning and disintegrates, leaving only the ball behind. The ball falls down directly into the hole.
Jesus turns to the old man and says "Great shot, Dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6uly/moses_jesus_and_an_old_man_are_playing_golf/
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Me: You know you can get arrested by playing the piano a certain way

Friend: Really, how?
Me: By playing in 'A minor'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6ruv/me_you_know_you_can_get_arrested_by_playing_the/
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What happened when the Prague Skydiving club couldn't afford proper equipment?

Their Czechs bounced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6o03/what_happened_when_the_prague_skydiving_club/
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What do you call a group of introverts?

A paradox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6ivo/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_introverts/
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Why do necromancers make such good friends?

Because they're great at raising people's spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6irn/why_do_necromancers_make_such_good_friends/
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A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back

His friends see him and ask "What are you supposed to be?"
"A turtle" the man replied
"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask
"Oh, thats just Michelle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6hzb/a_man_walks_into_a_halloween_party_wearing/
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“Dad” says son, “what’s the difference between theory and reality”?

“I’ll explain” says Dad. “MOTHER! Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?”
“Yes I would” says mother, giggling.
“DAUGHTER! Would you sleep with Harry Styles for a million bucks?”
“Yes I would” she says, blushing.
“There you go son” says Dad. “Theoretically we could be millionaires, but in reality we just live with a couple of slags”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6h2w/dad_says_son_whats_the_difference_between_theory/
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Who is the most cowardly knight?

Sir Render

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6gyj/who_is_the_most_cowardly_knight/
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Who was the first carpenter?

A : Eve, she made Adams banana stand
Source - pierce brown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6ej1/who_was_the_first_carpenter/
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I was once molested by a group of mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6edf/i_was_once_molested_by_a_group_of_mimes/
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I accidentally ate a hand towel while sleep eating

I dried a little inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be69vq/i_accidentally_ate_a_hand_towel_while_sleep_eating/
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What's better than having roses on your piano?

Having tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be69r5/whats_better_than_having_roses_on_your_piano/
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A family moves from Maine to Massachusetts

Their son is enrolled in the third grade.
The first day, he comes home from school looking sad. He goes to his father and says "Da, today at school we had history, and all the kids from Massachusetts know more than me. Why?" And his father says, "Well, son, that's because you're from Maine, and they're from Massachusetts."
The next day, he comes home from school looking sadder. He goes to his father and says "Da, today at school we did Math, and all the kids from Massachusetts are better than me. Why?" And his father says, "Well, son, that's because you're from Maine, and they're from Massachusetts."
The third day, he comes home from school with a smile from ear to ear. He goes to his father and says "Da, today at school we had Gym, and while we were changing into our Gym clothes, I saw that my dick is bigger than any of theirs are. Is that because I'm from Maine, and they're from Massachusetts?" And his father says, "Well, son, no. It's because they're 8, and you're 17."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be69bs/a_family_moves_from_maine_to_massachusetts/
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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the
shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6974/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
%
The number of Firefox users in Bikini Bottom is dwindling...

In the future everything will be Chrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be6907/the_number_of_firefox_users_in_bikini_bottom_is/
%
My brother just told me tik tok is better than reddit

So where's a good place to hide a small corpse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be67ri/my_brother_just_told_me_tik_tok_is_better_than/
%
My wife told me I was the only one she'd ever been with.

I said, "Really?" She replied, "Yes. All the others were 9s and 10s."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be645d/my_wife_told_me_i_was_the_only_one_shed_ever_been/
%
What do a fat prostitute and a baby chicken have in common?

They both go "cheap"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be63bk/what_do_a_fat_prostitute_and_a_baby_chicken_have/
%
I hate people who take drugs and alcohol

Really wanted to punch that guy at airport security :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be5zby/i_hate_people_who_take_drugs_and_alcohol/
%
There was this panel at a feminist congress in New York.

It was about men doing nothing to help with the work at home. The first woman to speak was from Germany. She said:
"Last month I said to my Heinrich 'Heinrich, I am sick of ironing the suits you need for work. If you want them ironed, iron them yourself.' On the first day afterwards I didn't see a thing. On the second day I still didn't see a thing and I became a little worried. But on the third, what do I see then? Heinrich stands there and irons his suits." She got thundering applause for this.
The next woman was from Scotland: "Two weeks ago I was sick and tired of Nigel not cleaning up his mess. So I stopped doing it and told him that, if he wanted to live in a clean flat, he had to clean up his own mess. On the first day after that I saw nothing. On the second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day Nigel actually cleaned up his own mess." She, too, got thundering applause.
The next woman to speak was from Iran: "A year ago I told my Ahmahd that he had to cook his own food if ever wanted to eat again. On the first day after that I saw nothing. On the second day I still saw nothing. On the third still I saw nothing. But on the fourth day I started to see a little bit through my left eye..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be5xsf/there_was_this_panel_at_a_feminist_congress_in/
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and it turns ou there aren't enough rooms, so they have no choice but to share a bed...

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be5q3j/three_guys_go_to_a_ski_lodge_and_it_turns_ou/
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Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.
At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.
He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off.
He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.
The cop was dumbfounded.
'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.
'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the DD...Designated Decoy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be5q06/excuse_me_sir_how_much_have_you_had_to_drink/
%
If your buttocks are not the same size....

They are assymetric

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be5pe0/if_your_buttocks_are_not_the_same_size/
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A new doctor at a mental asylum decided to conduct a test

The objective of this test is to determine if those patients are truly mentally ill or not.
He handled patients in groups of three. He puts them in a room and draws a door on a board infront of them. Then he tells them that there is feast behind the door so he can see their reactions.
The results varied from patients giving up on the door after a few seconds to patients breaking the board in their efforts to get to the feast. Although there was one thing in common and it’s that all of them tried to open the door atleast once.
Just when the doctor was about to give up he noticed that in one of the rooms there is a patient who didn’t attempt to open the door not even once. He just stared at the other two without showing any interest himself. The doctor went down to the room for he finally found some hope of a sane patient.
He went straight to him and asked in a neutral tone “why aren’t you helping your friends open the door? Aren’t you interested in the food?” The patient looked at him with a straight face then whispered “don’t tell them, but i have the key”
(I looked around and I didn’t find it so im hoping no one posted this joke before me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be5oxp/a_new_doctor_at_a_mental_asylum_decided_to/
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What’s the best part about having sex with twenty five year olds?

There’s 20 of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be5ouv/whats_the_best_part_about_having_sex_with_twenty/
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Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
(I made this up myself, I’m really proud of it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be5la5/where_do_little_jokes_come_from/
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Christmas

A rich man meets a poor man on the street.
The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f\*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be5jd2/christmas/
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A dyslexic man walks into a bank to rob it and says:

"air in the hands mothersticker, this is a fuck up".
(A mate told me this one).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be5iun/a_dyslexic_man_walks_into_a_bank_to_rob_it_and/
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My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!

That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be5fpy/my_girlfriend_and_i_agreed_to_try_some_roleplay/
%
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be5fbm/i_just_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome/
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Notre Dame has gone up in flames

One witness says he’s not sure who started the fire, but he has a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be5f8b/notre_dame_has_gone_up_in_flames/
%
Mathematicians don't call it friendzone.

They call it asymptote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be55uz/mathematicians_dont_call_it_friendzone/
%
This poor old lady slipped and fell on the ice today.....

at least I think she was poor she only had 75 cents in her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be4sl6/this_poor_old_lady_slipped_and_fell_on_the_ice/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be4p82/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be4nw8/if_you_give_a_man_a_fish_he_eats_for_a_day/
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I'm really scared to tell my wife to clean up after cooking breakfast...

I've been walking on eggshells all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be4g53/im_really_scared_to_tell_my_wife_to_clean_up/
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Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run under the door of the barn.
He decides he should talk to the farmer and knocks on the farmhouse door. “Hello, what can I do for ya?” The guy’s flustered. “I just saw a chicken with three legs going 100 miles an hour! It’s in your barn!”
The farmer looks at him calmly. “I know. I breed those chickens. Me, my wife, and my son all like the drumsticks so I had to breed a chicken with three legs legs. Arguments were breakin’ up the family.”
“Wow” says the guy, “That’s amazing! What do they taste like?”
“I dunno” says the farmer, “I can’t catch any of the fucking things.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be4fua/guy_driving_down_a_highway_sees_a_chicken_with/
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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is Politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son?
Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be4a1c/i_dont_own_this_joke_but_i_havent_forgotten_about/
%
3 dudes stranded in an island

. They are trying to survive together, unfortunately, there is a cult around there and the cult captures them right away. More for their despair, the cult leader is a human eater dude who loves sick stuff.
The leader gives 3  dudes a challenge. They will let them live if they can find 10 fruits for him.
3 dudes rush away to find fruit, and the first dude comes back with apples. The cult leader says “now you need to put that apple one by one into your anus. But if I see your teeth once, I will kill you”. The first dude accepts it, and one by one slowly he goes...
Until the fifth apple, he screams and away he goes to the afterlife
In the afterlife, the dude waits for the 2 dudes, and pooft the second dude appears. “What was your fruit?” The first dude asks. “It was blueberries” the second dude replies. “Then why you are here?”.
The second dude explains, “So, I was shoving my berries, into the 9th one... one more berry for my freedom, then the last guy arrived. He was carrying big pineapples... I laughed “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be49fc/3_dudes_stranded_in_an_island/
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A lady won the lottery and wanted to treat herself.

She had read  how people would take a bath in milk as a luxurious treat.
She called up the local dairy and told the man working there that she wanted to take a milk bath as a special treat for herself.
"No problem lady"  the man replied, "I just need to know if you want the milk pasteurized"
She thought for a second and said "No, up to my tits should be fine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be49c2/a_lady_won_the_lottery_and_wanted_to_treat_herself/
%
Overheard during lunch

How is that your name is Melody but all that's coming out from you is noise?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be493e/overheard_during_lunch/
%
I used to be addicted to Hokey Pokey

But I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be4514/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_hokey_pokey/
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What was Lovecraft’s favorite streaming service?

Ct**hulu**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be41vt/what_was_lovecrafts_favorite_streaming_service/
%
What does a Italian child use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesar's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be41de/what_does_a_italian_child_use_to_cut_their_pizza/
%
How Long Is A Chinese Name

No, seriously, it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be3xh1/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
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After months of trying, I was finally successful in giving my girlfriend an orgasm that lasted a full five minutes last night...

I guess it was a long time coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be3x1l/after_months_of_trying_i_was_finally_successful/
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Why did the crossed-eyed teacher get fired from her job?

Become she couldn’t control her pupils

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be3scc/why_did_the_crossedeyed_teacher_get_fired_from/
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I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.

I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be3p6c/i_found_an_alien_masturbating_in_my_freezer_last/
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What did the new born baby say to it's father when he entered the room?

Thank you for coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be3ogh/what_did_the_new_born_baby_say_to_its_father_when/
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Why did the child cross the playground?

Did you see? I'm already using my binoculars and I'm not allowed to get any closer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be3o2y/why_did_the_child_cross_the_playground/
%
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand  at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you  can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet  all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a  flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this  straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.  So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be3m1u/sixty_is_the_worst_age_to_be_said_the_60yearold/
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What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be3kjk/what_do_you_call_someone_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
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A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child.
Fast forward 9 months.
“Push, PUSH” the midwife and doctors urged. “You’re almost there!”
“The baby! She’s crowning!”
“But... what’s that in her HAND???”
“It... it looks like...”
“Is THIS your card?” a familiar voice said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be3jfx/a_magician_stops_a_woman_on_a_street/
%
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

"Oops!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be3j8p/whats_the_most_terrifying_word_in_nuclear_physics/
%
Why don't dinosaur talk?

they are already dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be3igb/why_dont_dinosaur_talk/
%
I remember this one time someone asked me for some puns..

So I read them 10 puns that would make them laugh.
But alas, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be3ade/i_remember_this_one_time_someone_asked_me_for/
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What do you call a transgender T-Rex?

A trannysouraus!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be3a9t/what_do_you_call_a_transgender_trex/
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A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

Husband: "No sweetie."
Wife:"I'm sure you would."
Husband: "Okay, I would"
Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
Husband: "Ya, I guess so."
Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, she's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be38f9/a_husband_and_wife_were_golfing_when_suddenly_the/
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What did the mama cheese say to the mouse?

Please leave Provolone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be35bk/what_did_the_mama_cheese_say_to_the_mouse/
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A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting...

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be355x/a_biologist_a_chemist_and_a_statistician_are_out/
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I hate three types of people:

Racists, Blacks, and Hypocrites

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be33ae/i_hate_three_types_of_people/
%
A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road...

At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right.
After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused again about how he's reached the same sign decides that he's made a mistake somewhere along his path and looped back to where he started. Thinking he's made a mistake, he goes right again.
He travels another five miles down the path until he reaches another sign, reading the same thing. "Reddit go right, cowtown go left."
Determined to reach Reddit, he again goes right, and after another five miles of riding, he reaches a bar with "REDDIT" spelled out in bright lights. Feeling exhausted and angry for traveling all of that way with such little direction from the signs, the man decides to head in and have a beer.
He walks in and sees that every bar stool is taken, but there is no one behind the bar taking orders. At this point, the cowboy is so dehydrated, sunburned and angry that he decides to barge right into the managers office and demand an explanation for this madness.
He sees the manager sitting at his desk and asks him: "Hey Partner! What kind of circus are you running here? Every sign to get here is the exact same, and there's not a single person here to take my order!"
The manager looks up from his desk, smiling and says : "This must be your first time here, so I'll explain. Every post is the same, and our servers never work. Welcome to Reddit, partner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be32su/a_cowboy_is_riding_his_horse_on_his_first_trip_to/
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What do you call a sea with no legs?

A no shin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be2wkd/what_do_you_call_a_sea_with_no_legs/
%
Why is Stevie Wonder so humble?

He’s blind to his success!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be2sep/why_is_stevie_wonder_so_humble/
%
I donated blood 5 times a year every year

so that I am less and less related to some of my relatives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be2qss/i_donated_blood_5_times_a_year_every_year/
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The potato joke

A man has just married and he is having trouble pleasuring his wife.
He goes to his doctor and he explains that he is having these issues.
The doctor says that he heard the plastic surgery place is experimenting with something new.
The man goes to the plastic surgery place and explains what’s going on.
The head surgeon says, “Well we are testing a new experiment with Elephant foreskin, would you like try it out?”
The man desperate to keep his new wife says yes.
Now his wife is superbly pleased. Like, new record off the charts.
The next day, the man is invited to dinner with his wife’s family.
A grand banquet is set up for there are multiple guests (steak, hams, baked potatoes, and various other food items).
The man asks his wife’s mom to please pass him a baked potato.
She puts it on his plate and out of nowhere, an elephant trunk comes out of his pants, takes the potato and disappears back into his pants.
Everyone is absolutely shocked and at a loss of words.
His wife’s mom asks him if he could please do whatever he just did again.
He says, “Sorry ma’am, but I don’t think I can fit another potato up my ass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be2m2u/the_potato_joke/
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So I recently saw that new movie, "Five Feet Apart". Pretty good and I here there's talk of a sequel!

From what I've heard they're gonna call it "Six Feet Under"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be2ici/so_i_recently_saw_that_new_movie_five_feet_apart/
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Why can’t you poison a frog?

Because they are an anti**toad**
Ps. I’m on very strong meds and thought this was worth sharing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be2gbw/why_cant_you_poison_a_frog/
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A man tells a butcher “I bet you 1,000 dollars that you can’t reach up and touch your that beef hanging up there”

The butcher replies, “I’m not betting that, the stakes are too high”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be2dp1/a_man_tells_a_butcher_i_bet_you_1000_dollars_that/
%
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be2czd/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
Why can;t a nose be 12 inches long?

because then it would be a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be29g3/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches_long/
%
How hung was Jesus?

[*stretches out arms*]
This hung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be27qz/how_hung_was_jesus/
%
The black Jew

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?”
The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?”
“Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or if I should just steal it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be26h0/the_black_jew/
%
After years at my job, I finally managed to walk away with the “Employee of the Month” award.

Unfortunately security caught me at the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be25y1/after_years_at_my_job_i_finally_managed_to_walk/
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What’s the difference between a mosquito and a Hooker?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be254z/whats_the_difference_between_a_mosquito_and_a/
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A man got in an accident.

A man got in an accident and had to get the whole left side of his body amputated, he’s all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be22s9/a_man_got_in_an_accident/
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One wind turbine turns to another and what's your favourite genre of music, mines pop?

The other wind turbine replies, I'm a big heavy metal fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be225s/one_wind_turbine_turns_to_another_and_whats_your/
%
Why did Mickey divorce Minnie?

She was fucking Goofy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be1zfa/why_did_mickey_divorce_minnie/
%
The cell phone manufacturer Motorola has developed a new phone and is going to donate all sales proceeds to help fund the rebuilding of Notre Dame.

They’re calling it the QuasiMotorola.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be1vy1/the_cell_phone_manufacturer_motorola_has/
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Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the
crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"
Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be1ras/two_rednecks_flew_to_canada_on_a_hunting_trip/
%
What do you call a lesbian cock block

Taco blocko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be1pr4/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_cock_block/
%
A man is playing basketball with his son...

“Son, if you can make this shot, I’ll get you a new amp for that guitar you play. But if you miss, you have to eat this bag of sand. What’ll it be? &?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be1ok8/a_man_is_playing_basketball_with_his_son/
%
Why do ducks have feathers on their backside?

To cover their butt quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be1npb/why_do_ducks_have_feathers_on_their_backside/
%
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke?

He won the "no-bell" prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be1mfp/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_invented_the_knock/
%
I sold a vacuum yesterday.

All it was doing was collecting dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be1m7f/i_sold_a_vacuum_yesterday/
%
Allah is probably the true god

Because the universe started with an explosion...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be1h0l/allah_is_probably_the_true_god/
%
At the end of the worship the priest asks his charge, "How many of you forgave your enemies?"

Everyone holds up their hands, except a fragile elderly lady.
"Are you denying forgiveness to your enemies?" the surprised priest asks.
"Oh no, dear," the grey haired woman says. "I just have no enemies."
"This is very unusual," the priest says. "How old are you?"
"I'm 98," she says proudly.
"Dear madam," the priest says. "Would you be so kind as to come up here and tell us how is it possible that someone near a 100 years old has no enemies what so ever?"
She stands up, walks to the front, turns around and with a nice big smile says, "I have outlived the suckers..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be18lz/at_the_end_of_the_worship_the_priest_asks_his/
%
Did you guys hear about that psychic little person who robbed a bank?

He's a small medium at large!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be17xn/did_you_guys_hear_about_that_psychic_little/
%
The little rascals. Hope this hasn't been told yet.e

This is one of the first "long" jokes I learned as a kid.
So Spanky, Alfalfa, and Buckwheat are in the 1st grade together. The teacher tells the class " Today students we will pick a word and use it in a sentence. You may pick any word but don't pick a word that someone has already used." Looking around the classroom the children all had their hands up in excitement. "Spanky you go first" said the teacher.
Spanky quickly says "Love".
"Good now use it in a sentence for us" said the teacher.
"I love Darla!" said Spanky
"Very good" said the teacher.
The teacher then pointed at Alfalfa and said "how about you".
Alfalfa quickly replied "beyootiful. Darla is beyootiful!"
"Awww that's very sweet" said the teacher "now who's next?"
Looking around the room she spied Buckwheat sheepishly raising his hand.
"How about you Buckwheat? Do you have a word?"
"Dictate!" Buckwheat snapped back.
"My my that's a big word are you sure you can use it?" Asked the teacher.
"Uh huh" Buckwheat replied " Darla said my dictate good!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be15c8/the_little_rascals_hope_this_hasnt_been_told_yete/
%
What did the epileptic vegan have for lunch?

Seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be14kp/what_did_the_epileptic_vegan_have_for_lunch/
%
A boy asks his mom if she wanted a boy or a girl.

The mom replied " I wanted a back Rub"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be12s4/a_boy_asks_his_mom_if_she_wanted_a_boy_or_a_girl/
%
An elderly couple are sitting in church,

The wife leans over and whispers "I just cut a silent but deadly, what do I do now?". The husband replies "You need to change the battery in your hearing aid".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be10z1/an_elderly_couple_are_sitting_in_church/
%
What's the difference between Big Ben and the Queen of England?

One is inhuman, intricately decorated, and exists only to mark the passage of time.
The other one's a clock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be0zav/whats_the_difference_between_big_ben_and_the/
%
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman with a phone attatched to her eye

He goes to the bartender and orders his drink, and sits down with the elderly woman.
The bar tender notices that whenever the young man starts looking at another girl the older woman slaps him across the face, and the bar tender assumes she is an overprotective mother.
This carries on for a while and the bartender eventually decides to tell her to stop.
"Excuse me ma'am, i would appreciate it if you did not hit your son"
"He is NOT my son! He is my husband!"
The young man notices the quizzical look on the bartenders face and explains
"I am actually much older than i look. A few days ago, i found a Genie who offered me two wishes. Being an elderly man, my first wish was to look and act much younger."
The bartender says "Wow, that's incredible, you don't look a day over 25! So why does your wife have a phone attatched to her eye?"
"Well, since I had wished to look and act much younger, I had a sudden urge to go on the internet, but I had no phone or internet connection. My second wish was to have a mobile phone with permanent wife-eye connection!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be0yvz/a_young_man_enters_a_bar_with_an_elderly_woman/
%
Macron said the rebuild of Notre Dame will take 2 Years and he will get the Germans to do it

Because they finished a thousand year Reich in just twelve years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be0xp7/macron_said_the_rebuild_of_notre_dame_will_take_2/
%
Dogs can't see your bones

but catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be0rz6/dogs_cant_see_your_bones/
%
After a night of passion with his girlfriend, this man notices a photo of a handsome young guy on her bedside table.

“Is he your brother?” the man asks hopefully.
“No,” she answers, kissing his ear.
“Is he one of your friends?” the man asks jealously.
“No, my dear,” she answers, clinging to him.
“But who is he?”
“It’s me... Before the surgery.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be0obz/after_a_night_of_passion_with_his_girlfriend_this/
%
Why was the Jamaican man doubting himself that he swam in Egypt

He was In De Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be0ntl/why_was_the_jamaican_man_doubting_himself_that_he/
%
never make fun of a man who drinks black coffee..

you will become the victim of a dark roast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be0m9t/never_make_fun_of_a_man_who_drinks_black_coffee/
%
I asked my Dad: "Hey Dad, if I was ugly, would you still love me?"

He said: " What do you mean if? What do you mean still? And what do you mean Dad?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be0m3r/i_asked_my_dad_hey_dad_if_i_was_ugly_would_you/
%
Two Jewish men, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant discussing religion

"I wonder if there are any Jewish people in Mexico?" asked the first one.
"There must be" said the second one, "let's ask the waiter."
When the waiter came by, they asked him, "Do you have any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "Im sorry - we have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, but no Mexican Jews"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be0jih/two_jewish_men_were_sitting_in_a_mexican/
%
My ex-wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be0iqc/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
%
Why does the hangman never high five people?

It's his job to leave them hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be08pq/why_does_the_hangman_never_high_five_people/
%
What has 4 letters , sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be06qo/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_has_9_letters_but/
%
Jesus, Moses, and a Bearded Man are playing golf

Jesus starts the game.  He hits the ball as hard as he can and it heads straight towards the lake.  However, instead of sinking, the ball rolls on the surface of the water.  Jesus walks on the lake, hits the ball, and gets it into the hole.
Next is Moses' turn.  He hits the ball as hard as he can and it heads straight towards the lake.  But Moses raises his golf club and the waters of the lake divide.  Moses walks between the two walls of water to the ball, hits it, and it gets into the hole.
Finally, the bearded man.  He hits the ball as hard as he can, and it also heads straight towards the lake.  However, a frog snatches it out of the air with its tongue and swallows it.  An eagle dives at the frog and carries it into the air.  Meanwhile, a hunter sees the eagle and fires a shot at it.  The bullet hits the eagle, and it falls to the ground, right next to the hole.  The frog coughs up the golf ball and it rolls into the hole for a perfect hole in one.
Moses grumbles and mutters to Jesus, "I really hate playing with your dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be05h9/jesus_moses_and_a_bearded_man_are_playing_golf/
%
Oldest man on Earth

A journalist  wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world.
After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village.
The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard.
Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?"
Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest.
So we gathered all the men.
We all went to the tavern.
We all drunk some mead.
We all went to the forest.
We all searched for the girl.
We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! "
Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists... Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life?
Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened:
We all went to the tavern.
We all drunk some mead.
We all went to the forest.
We all searched for the goat.
We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! "
Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? "
Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine.
Gramps: "........ One day I got lost in the forest..... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be03id/oldest_man_on_earth/
%
A man and his wife go to the dentist to get a rotten tooth removed

The man tells the dentist, "Look doc, I don't want any painkillers.  No gas, no needles, nothing.  Just get in, yank out the tooth, and we'll get out of here.
"I wish more of my patients had your fortitude," says the doctor admiringly.  "Which tooth is rotten?"
The man turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth honey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/be013s/a_man_and_his_wife_go_to_the_dentist_to_get_a/
%
Went to the store and got me a toilet brush.

Been a couple days now, I think I am going back to toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdzz2b/went_to_the_store_and_got_me_a_toilet_brush/
%
A police officer is patrolling a 60mph highway when he sees a car driving 20mph.

He pulls the car over and walks up to the window to find a car with 4 old ladies.
The officer asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
The lady in the driver's seat says "What's the matter officer? I was going exactly 25 miles an hour."
"Well it's a 60 mile an hour highway, and going too slow can be very dangerous."
The old lady laughs. "Oh, silly me! I saw the highway 25 sign and thought it was a speed limit sign! I'm sorry officer, it won't happen again."
The officer starts to collect the driver's information when he looks into the back seat. He notices that the other three passengers look visibly shaken.
"Are you ladies alright? You look a little shaken up."
One of the ladies in the back give the officer a terrified look and says
"We just got off highway 180."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdzx0k/a_police_officer_is_patrolling_a_60mph_highway/
%
Apparently I snore so loudly

that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdzrec/apparently_i_snore_so_loudly/
%
A Russian Joke

One day in second grade class, Vovochka received another bad grade. He says to his teacher: "Marivanna, one day I will become a very big and very important person, and you will feel bad for failing me."
The teacher replies, "Putin, stop clowning around and sit down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdzp1z/a_russian_joke/
%
A man is driving down the road when he sees a Native American in a booth that says "Chief Remembers All"

So the guy pulls over and says "So, you really remember all?" And the indian says "How, stranger. Yes, I remember all" So the guy says "Ok, what did you eat for breakfast 10 years ago?"
The indian contemplates for a second, and confidently says "Eggs" so the guy says "Oh sure...How do I know you're not just saying that?" So he waves it off and leaves...
15 years later, the guy is driving down the same road when he sees that the indian is still there, so he pulls over. The guy, amazed the man is still there, hops out and says "How!" and the Chief replies "Scrambled..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdznmr/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_when_he_sees_a/
%
The second fastest thing in the world is how fast your anus closes after squeezing out a turd. The fastest?

That one drop of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdzgln/the_second_fastest_thing_in_the_world_is_how_fast/
%
I sued a department store for selling me a broken coffee grinder.

I lost the case; the courts told me I had no grounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdzdlz/i_sued_a_department_store_for_selling_me_a_broken/
%
My pet beagle was originally liberated from an animal testing laboratory

Had to let her go. Too expensive. The little fucker smoked 80 Marlboros a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdzaxf/my_pet_beagle_was_originally_liberated_from_an/
%
Three Idiot Detectives

Three idiots were training to become detectives. Their superior decided to test them by having them catch an escaped criminal.
He showed the first idiot a picture of the criminal and asked, “How would you catch this man?”
“That’s easy,” said the first idiot. “He’s only got one eye, so I would hunt down every one-eyed man.”
“No, you idiot!” said the superior. “He only has one eye because this picture is a profile view!” Annoyed, the superior threw the first idiot out of his office.
The second idiot was shown the same picture. “How would you catch this man?” asked the superior.
“That’s easy,” said the second idiot. “He’s only got one ear, so I would hunt down every one-eared man.”
The superior groaned. “No, you idiot! He only has one ear because this picture is a profile view!” Furious, he threw the second idiot out of his office.
Exhausted, the superior called in the third idiot and showed him the picture. “How would you catch this man?” he asked.
The third idiot thought for a moment, then said, “Well, I would check the footage of every shop in the area that sells contact lenses. He would have to be in one of them.”
Skeptically, the superior did what the third idiot said. To his astonishment, the criminal was indeed in a shop that sold contact lenses! After the criminal was returned to jail, the superior sat the third idiot down and asked, impressed, “How did you do it?”
“That’s easy,” said the third idiot. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdz5jw/three_idiot_detectives/
%
I was on a vegetarian diet then I switched to vegan.

The lack of protein in their diets make them a lot easier to catch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdz1cl/i_was_on_a_vegetarian_diet_then_i_switched_to/
%
An old lady went to the bank and requested for them to check her balance

The teller pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdyxqm/an_old_lady_went_to_the_bank_and_requested_for/
%
My wife's relatives have an odd nickname for her.

"You could do so much better."
They call her that every time we visit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdytf0/my_wifes_relatives_have_an_odd_nickname_for_her/
%
Divorced Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five men. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married five times?”
“Well,” the bride said. “Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new and I quote, state of the art method. Husband 3 was in marketing; he had a nice product but just didn’t know know to position it. Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband. “but why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna got screwed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdysyb/divorced_virgin/
%
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdyriw/just_spent_300_on_a_limousine_and_discovered_the/
%
Everyone talks about a woman’s intuition.

What about a man’s intuition? I thought I was going to shit myself on the way home from work. And I did!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdyiwc/everyone_talks_about_a_womans_intuition/
%
What do bowling and vegetables have in common?

A spare I guess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdyimv/what_do_bowling_and_vegetables_have_in_common/
%
I browse TikTok daily but only on the toilet...

Because I don’t want the shit on my phone to get lonely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdyhz6/i_browse_tiktok_daily_but_only_on_the_toilet/
%
I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdyf00/i_was_having_sex_with_a_girl_the_other_day_and/
%
A pregnant woman walks into a bank

A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene.
The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 years, each of her children will have to pass the bullet.
So in 12 years, her 1st son walks up to her and says ‘mum I’ve just peed out a bullet’ so she tells him the story.Her Daughter then walks up and says the same, so again the mother tells the story.Then her 3rd son walks up to her and says ‘mum you’ll never guess what’ which she replies with ‘let me guess you peed out a bullet’ which he replies with ‘no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdyd5j/a_pregnant_woman_walks_into_a_bank/
%
Smiles and tight underwear are very alike.

Both lift your cheeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdybxc/smiles_and_tight_underwear_are_very_alike/
%
It has come to light that a lit cigarette burned down Notre Dame

Upon hearing the news the Pope responded:
"Not surprised. Fags have been destroying the church for years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdy8v7/it_has_come_to_light_that_a_lit_cigarette_burned/
%
A young cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a bowl of chili.

The older cowboy next to him says, "here, you can have mine. I'm not hungry"
So, the young cowboy being extremely hungry gobbles up the chili to find a dead rat in the bottom of the bowl. He quickly throws up the chili back into the bowl because he was disgusted.
The older cowboy said, "Yep, I had the same reaction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdy810/a_young_cowboy_walks_into_a_saloon_and_orders_a/
%
I'm getting ny first book published

I'm an ex stunt man getting my first book published about the best way to fall down stairs
It's a step-by-step guide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdy4ea/im_getting_ny_first_book_published/
%
Why is the French flag blue, white, and red?

In case a war starts, they can tear off the sides and surrender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdy2ip/why_is_the_french_flag_blue_white_and_red/
%
Why should you always bring two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

If you only bring one, he'll drink all your beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdy1t4/why_should_you_always_bring_two_baptists_with_you/
%
The mailman explained to me why I’m not receiving any mail.

I just don’t get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdy13u/the_mailman_explained_to_me_why_im_not_receiving/
%
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?

Because it's Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdxzlh/why_are_1_and_3_jealous_of_2/
%
How many bones are there in a hand?

About a handful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdxtfq/how_many_bones_are_there_in_a_hand/
%
You don't have to do homework

If you don't have a home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdxrt7/you_dont_have_to_do_homework/
%
What do R.Kelly and Walmart have in common?

They both have kids pants half off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdxjyq/what_do_rkelly_and_walmart_have_in_common/
%
Whoever took my herbs last night:

You’re living on borrowed thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdxfsu/whoever_took_my_herbs_last_night/
%
This vegan kept trying to tell me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I told him, “people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdx4y7/this_vegan_kept_trying_to_tell_me_that_people_who/
%
Someone rang the doorbell while I was masturbating...

"One sec, I'm coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdx3gn/someone_rang_the_doorbell_while_i_was_masturbating/
%
My friends don't like cheesy jokes.

I guess they are laughtose intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdx2bz/my_friends_dont_like_cheesy_jokes/
%
Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5?

Because 5 8 13.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwz1z/why_was_fibonacci_afraid_of_5/
%
How do you get a tree-hugger pregnant?

Cedar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwxfs/how_do_you_get_a_treehugger_pregnant/
%
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.

I can't read a fucking word now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwx9r/my_wife_asked_me_to_put_tomato_ketchup_on_the/
%
What do you call a group of musically talented whales?

An orca-stra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwwy2/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_musically_talented/
%
What do you call an idiot who pops pills?

An oxymoron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwwig/what_do_you_call_an_idiot_who_pops_pills/
%
I've started investing in stocks.

Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdww7k/ive_started_investing_in_stocks/
%
Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning.

After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwvlk/just_got_back_from_my_psychiatrist_appointment/
%
Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.

I'm taking this shit to a whole new level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwttu/accidentally_pooped_my_pants_in_the_elevator/
%
Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, "Since when have you been wearing a girdle?"

Other guy says, "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwrm9/two_guys_in_a_gym_one_putting_on_a_girdle_one/
%
"Hello I'd like to register for mime classes"

"Ah, say no more"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwrlx/hello_id_like_to_register_for_mime_classes/
%
According to Wikipedia, whales play a crucial role in the fragile ocean ecosystem

[cetacean needed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwqjj/according_to_wikipedia_whales_play_a_crucial_role/
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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwmqr/a_husband_notices_his_wifes_hearing_is/
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My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwmqf/my_operating_system_just_deleted_half_my_files/
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Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.

He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.
He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.
Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was that?”
The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but my fucking asshole hurts like hell!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwmke/superman_is_flying_around_the_city_feeling_horny/
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Three blonds walk into a building.

You would think one of them would have seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwlnk/three_blonds_walk_into_a_building/
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How many people with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Hey wanna go ride bikes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwkr6/how_many_people_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change/
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Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they are very good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwgjz/why_do_you_never_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
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My first time doing stand up was a lot like my first time having sex

I only lasted 1 minute, every one involved was disappointed, and my dad didn't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwfvx/my_first_time_doing_stand_up_was_a_lot_like_my/
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What did God do about France’s most famous cathedral?

Notre Dame thing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdwep2/what_did_god_do_about_frances_most_famous/
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A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated sex toy for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdw47n/a_very_distinguished_lady_was_on_a_plane_arriving/
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So there was an angry band director...

His band wasn’t super good, but they managed. One day, they were rehearsing, when a flute player messes up a part. They keep messing it up, and he gets so frustrated he stabs the flautist to death with his baton.
He goes to prison, and gets sentenced to death by electric chair. Before he goes in, the guards ask him what he wants for his last meal.
“A banana,” he says.
He eats his banana, and gets hooked up. The guards flip the switch, but the man survives.
By law, because he survived, he is free to go.
He somehow gets another job as a band director, and is directing when a percussionist messes up. He gets so angry that he beats the drummer to death with his own drumsticks.
Same process, he gets sent to the electric chair. He asks for a banana as his last meal, gets hooked up, and nothing happens.
He once again got hired, and was directing his band when a trumpet player messes up. He then beat the trumpet player to death, and was then sentenced to death by electric chair.
The guards, having recognized the man, asked what his final meal will be.
“A banana,” he said.
“What is it with bananas? You eat a banana and then are unaffected by the electric chair,” the guards ask.
“No, no. I really like bananas, but I’m a bad conductor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdw14z/so_there_was_an_angry_band_director/
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?

The baabaa shop
(the other best joke from my son)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvzra/where_do_sheep_go_to_get_their_hair_cut/
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Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of pants?

Incase he got a hole in 1...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvyiw/why_did_the_golfer_wear_2_pairs_of_pants/
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Notre Dame went from gothic architecture..

To French baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvy9k/notre_dame_went_from_gothic_architecture/
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What did the fish say when it hit a wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvxnb/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_hit_a_wall/
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Wanna hear a joke about suicide?

Ah, nevermind, I'll leave you hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvud7/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_suicide/
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The Immigrant

Nadir is an immigrant to the United States and he is trying to do it legally. So far he has passed all the tests. The tester tells him, "You only have to pass one more test and you will be a citizen of the United States. In this test, I will give you three words, and you will have to take those three words and make a sentence out of them. Now, are you ready sir?"
Nadir said, "Yes."
The tester  then said, "Your words are, 'pink,' 'yellow,' and 'green.'"
After some thinking, this is the sentence that Nadir came up with, "The phone goes green-green-green, I pink it up, and I say, 'Hello, this is Nadir.'"
He passed the test is working at a local convenience store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvtbs/the_immigrant/
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A woman goes shopping with her husband

She spots a pair of boots she loves, the husband says “no chance love, they’re way too expensive”
Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lower into her thigh.
She turns to him and says “no chance love, if you’re not prepared to shoe the horse, then you sure as hell ain’t riding it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvsf8/a_woman_goes_shopping_with_her_husband/
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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey,Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvpsk/a_wife_decides_to_take_her_husband_dave_to_a/
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Nightmares of the war years

Man walks into the kitchen & finds his wife cutting potatoes into penis shapes.
Man: Why you cutting potatoes into penis shapes?
Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dream about having penis shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do.
Man goes over to Grandpa: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about?
Grandpa \*shudders, a far off look in his eye\*: Dictators

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvos3/nightmares_of_the_war_years/
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A man decides it's time for a night of romance...

... So before his wife gets home he puts on the nice silky sheets, lights a bunch of candles and puts on his robe. When she comes home he leads her into the bedroom and they start going at it.
All of the sudden Little Timmy walks in and screams "oh my God" before running out. The husband says "well, I guess I better go have the talk with him", so he gets his robe on and goes looking for Timmy.
He can't find him anywhere, not his room, living room, kitchen, anywhere. So he goes into Grandma's room to see if she'd seen him and when he opens the door he sees Little Timmy has grandma bent over the bed, polka dot moomoo over her head and he's just giving her the business!
The dad screams "Timmy what the fuck?!?"
Timmy turns around and says "it's not so funny when it's your mom is it?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvmov/a_man_decides_its_time_for_a_night_of_romance/
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Jennifer Aniston tragically drowned in the middle of a lake this morning despite boats lining the shore...

...if only Lisa Kudrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvlta/jennifer_aniston_tragically_drowned_in_the_middle/
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Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvlt1/where_are_average_things_manufactured/
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How does a sheep say Christmas?

Fleece Navidad
(one of my son's best, so he says)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvjw6/how_does_a_sheep_say_christmas/
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You have to take these modern homeopathic health fads with a pinch of salt.

Preferably Himalayan pink rock salt, due to its high mineral content and detoxifying effects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvggv/you_have_to_take_these_modern_homeopathic_health/
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I got fired from the rubber band factory yesterday...

My first thought was "Oh snap!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvbbe/i_got_fired_from_the_rubber_band_factory_yesterday/
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My blonde wife is staunchly opposed to my kids having a vacation.

She’s convinced they cause autism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdvajs/my_blonde_wife_is_staunchly_opposed_to_my_kids/
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The IRS decides to audit Ed, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ed shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ed.  “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “Okay, go ahead.”
Ed says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way!  It’s a bet.” Ed removes his glass eye and bites it.  The auditor’s jaw drops. Ed says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor can tell Ed isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Ed removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ed’s attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Ed asks.  “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ed stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.  The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.  But Ed’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney.  “This morning, when Ed told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over an IRS official’s desk and that the official would be happy about it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdv98u/the_irs_decides_to_audit_ed_and_summons_him_to/
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What's worse than waking up at a party with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding put that it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdv3gg/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_with_a/
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The crack up in class

[This actually happened]
So basically my geography class is opposite the history class (both our whiteboards are separated by a thin wall) and our geography teacher is quite nice, on the other hand, the history class has a bunch of those ‘so-much-potential-but-not-using-it’ kids and the teacher is already short-tempered so you can guess that we hear a lot of yelling from the other side.
One time, we heard especially loud yelling and then a loud thump at the wall. Even though I knew the history teacher must’ve just hit the wall, I still leaned to my bud next to me and whispered: “did she just hulk out and throw a kid?”
We just started to crack up hard since the history teacher is a thin and petite woman.
But this is not the end: our geo teach went up to us to ask what’s funny and I said “I think the history teacher just yeeted Marco [the biggest so-much-potential-but-not-using-it’ kid] and the entire class just cracked up including our teacher.
[there isn’t much of a punchline here but I hope this story brought a smile on your face and made your day better] (・ω・)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdv3aq/the_crack_up_in_class/
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A man getting a BJ from a 65 year old prostitute and a man walking a mile high tight rope are thinking the same thing.

Don't Look Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdv2dk/a_man_getting_a_bj_from_a_65_year_old_prostitute/
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Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are taking a road trip.

A cop pulls them over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am." Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 60 in a 35." Heisenberg throws his hands up and yells "Great, and now I'm lost!"
The cop gets suspicious and asks him to pop the trunk. He looks in and finds a dead cat. The cop asks the men "Do you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?"
"Now we do, Asshat!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest the physicists. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bduwns/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_are_taking_a_road/
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2 years ago my doctor told me I was dead

I haven’t heard from him since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdus7r/2_years_ago_my_doctor_told_me_i_was_dead/
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Jokes are like presidents

This one fucking sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdurw5/jokes_are_like_presidents/
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What do you call a Communist in the winter?

A snowviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdurk9/what_do_you_call_a_communist_in_the_winter/
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A bartender asked a patron why he is so sad...

The patron replies, "sad? This is turning out to be the best day of my life." The bartender presses on however and once again asks, "if today is the best day of your life why do you look just so sad?" The patron thinks about it for a second and tells the bartender "i dunno what to tell you its a great day i got a family that loves me and i just landed a great stable job." The bartender is convinced however there is something wrong so presses on, "maybe its your sex life, is your sex life why your so sad?" The patron assures the bartender his sex life is great. "Like i said i got a loving wife and she doesn't even care my best friends daughter rides me everyday!" The bartender is getting frustrated as he can tell something is clearly wrong and starts to shoot off questions in a fast pace
Bartender: death in the family?
Patron: no
Bartender: money troubles?
Patron: nope i make a killing at the track
Bartender: maybe the hours are your problem, are you over worked?
Patron: not at all
Bartender: are you unhappy with your  age? Maybe you feel old?
Patron: I'm in the prime of my life buddy
The bartender is clearly getting angry and starts to think to himself perhaps the patron is lying. So the bartender starts to get mad. "Well what the fuck is your problem, your clearly sad and you claim your happier than you've ever been." The patron starts to get defense of and says, "look dude I'm just a horse at a bar enjoying my life." The bartender finally says. "Ohhhh your a horse, that's why you got a long face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bduqir/a_bartender_asked_a_patron_why_he_is_so_sad/
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College professor is experiencing a “slow-down” in his sex-life with his wife...

... so he is trying to figure out how to spice it up. He is hearing that there is a foreign student who has a lot of luck with girls on the campus so he decides to ask him for advice.
“Paolo, how are you doing it?”
“Well professor, right before I am about to do it with a girl, I whip my junk out and slam it on a wall 3 times. Girls love it for some reason”
The professor decides to take the rest of the day off to surprise his wife and have a “romantic” afternoon.
He comes home and hears that his wife is taking a shower. He undresses and walks into the bathroom. There is steam on the shower glass so his wife is not seeing him just yet. He whips out his “package” and slams it on the glass shower door 3 times.
His wife jumps up excitedly: “Paolo, is that you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdupr8/college_professor_is_experiencing_a_slowdown_in/
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Dark humour is a lot like food

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdumn9/dark_humour_is_a_lot_like_food/
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Walter Ulbricht, the first Communist Leader...

... of East Germany, is sitting in a restaurant. The waitress flirts with him.  Ulbricht is entranced. 'I'll grant you one wish,' he says.
She thinks and says,' Then open the Wall for just one day.'
Ulbricht winks at her,' So you want to be alone with me?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdukyr/walter_ulbricht_the_first_communist_leader/
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drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"
Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."
Me: "Still in training, huh?"
Policeman: "What do you mean?"
Me: "Nevermind"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdujrm/drugsniffing_dog/
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What do you call an agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdujml/what_do_you_call_an_agnostic_dyslexic_insomniac/
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A man is deciding between three women, which to be with. He tests them by giving them each $5000 to see what they each do with the money.

The first woman got a complete spa treatment and makeover to make herself look good for the man. The second woman took her $5000 and bought the man gifts, gadgets and trinkets he’d like to make him happy. The third woman invested the money, made a hefty return on it, and paid back the man his $5000. The man, ready to decide,  then married the woman with the biggest boobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdui49/a_man_is_deciding_between_three_women_which_to_be/
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I treat every day like I'm running a marathon tomorrow...

I rest, load up on carbs and don't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdug29/i_treat_every_day_like_im_running_a_marathon/
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I recently bought a toilet brush

Long story short, I’m going back to toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bduepu/i_recently_bought_a_toilet_brush/
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My nephew just asked me what a clitoris was

I told him that I would have answered the question better yesterday, cos it was on the tip of my tongue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdudb9/my_nephew_just_asked_me_what_a_clitoris_was/
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A beautiful, young, sexy student once asked me breathlessly what she could possibly do to earn an A in my class. I walked around the desk and sat right next to her and shyly, moved close to her ear and whispered

Try studying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdu76t/a_beautiful_young_sexy_student_once_asked_me/
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God does an experiment with US Marines...

One lofty Sunday God looks down and sees a boat of six Marines paddling in the ocean, chanting; ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR...United States Marine Corps.
Impressed by their focus and intensity he ponders; "What would happen if I removed half their brain powers" and does so. "ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR...United States Marine Corps" chants the men with 50% brain power.
Very impressed God decides to push it and remove 3/4's of their brain powers; "ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR...United States Marine Corps" Scream the men with the same focus and intensity as they row their boat through the ocean.
God clearly bemused thinks "Something has to change if I take away 100% of their brain's capacity to think" POOF.
Meagerly the Marines start chortling; "...be all that you can be..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdu6l6/god_does_an_experiment_with_us_marines/
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The 20 shortest books ever printed:

1. Jewish Business Ethics.
2. The Negro's Guide to Good Sociology.
3. French War Heroes
4. Aboriginal Hygeine Hints
5. The Amish Phone Book
6. Great Asian Drivers of Today
7. The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex
8. The Book of Good American Beer
9. Beauty Secrets of Polynesia
10. Peaceful Traditions of the Islamic Faith
11. The Englishman's Karma Sutra
12. Australia's Friendly Fauna
13. Creatures the Japanese Refuse to Eat
14. Innovations and Technologies of Central African Nations
15. The Pacific Islander's Guide to Slim and Trim Tummies
16. The Inuit's Complete Swimwear Catalogue
17. Motivating Hispanics
18. Being a Sober Irishman
19. Negotiating Guidelines for the Average Russian
20. The Glorious Future of the Middle East

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdtxln/the_20_shortest_books_ever_printed/
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Investigations into the cause of the Notre Dame fire are on going.

A spokesman for the fire department said. “We don’t know the exact cause yet, but we have a hunch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdtvao/investigations_into_the_cause_of_the_notre_dame/
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How do you know you got divorced?

Your sex life stays the same, and your dishes pile up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdtskn/how_do_you_know_you_got_divorced/
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdtqsi/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
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Shafts and tattoos

Todd wants to get a tattoo of his girlfriend's name and decides to put it along his shaft. Now when he's erect it says "WENDY" and when he's flaccid it says "WY".
A few weeks later Todd and his girlfriend are taking a trip to Jamaica. As they're getting off the plane Todd has an urge to pee. He heads to the restroom and starts to relive himself when a Jamaican guy walks up to an adjacent urinal to do his own business. As the men are peeing Todd decides to take a peek at the Jamaican guys hardware only to find a WY tattoo on his shaft as well. Todd asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy. The Jamaican man laughs and says no it says "WELCOME TO JAMAICA MON HAVE A NICE DAY."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdtqnj/shafts_and_tattoos/
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What did the liberal arts major say to the engineering grad?

Do you want fries with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdtqdh/what_did_the_liberal_arts_major_say_to_the/
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A guy is enjoying a nice cold beer in a bar when out of nowhere...

A clearly drunk old man walks over and says to him "Hey boy! Guess what! I saw your little sister naked! Wotcha gonna do about it pussy?"
The guy says "Nothing. Go and sit down and leave me alone."
10 minutes later the old man comes back and says "Oy young fella! I once touched your Granny's muff! Take a swing of you dare!"
The guy says "I told you before to leave me alone! Go away!"
Another 10 minutes pass and the old man stumbles back over to the guy and slurs "Listen here you little turd! I f@#ked your mom! Fight me you bitch!"
At this point the guy loses his temper and yells to the old man "Quit trying to get a rise out of me you drunk old prick! I'm not going to fight you! Go home Dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdtpyt/a_guy_is_enjoying_a_nice_cold_beer_in_a_bar_when/
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A chemist and another man walks into the bar.

Chemist:  I would like a glass of H2O.
Man:  I would like a glass of H2O too.
The man died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdtp5c/a_chemist_and_another_man_walks_into_the_bar/
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Notre Dame joke: A priest advertises a job to ring the bell at Notre Dame and the only applicant is a hunchback with no arms...

The priest asks "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower to where the bell is." So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. The priest says "Ok, what's your plan?"
The hunchback runs and jumps at the bell, striking it with his forehead. Sure enough, he rings the bell. The priest asks, "How did you learn to ring the bell like this?" The hunchback replies, "Actually, I first learned on the guitar," and walks over to a guitar on the wall and starts banging his head on it, and Damn! Beautiful metal-music comes out.
So despite his reservations, the priest hires the hunchback to go and ring the bell in the bell tower.
Every day the hunchback comes in and rings the bell. One day, the hunchback decides to try to ring the bell louder. He goes to the farthest corner of the tower, and runs as fast as he can towards the bell. When he jumps up and hits it with his head, the bell rings LOUD! Unfortunately, the hunchback hit the bell so hard he's stunned He staggers around a bit, and falls out a window slamming on the street.
A crowd gathers around the hunchback's mangled body, the priest goes out to investigate the commotion.
The policeman arrives and again asks: "Who is this guy?" At which point the priest replies - **"I don't know, but the face rings a bell."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdtmhy/notre_dame_joke_a_priest_advertises_a_job_to_ring/
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Jet fuel cant melt steel beams...

But an oxy-acetylene torch can burn down 600 years of French heritage in 12 hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdte0v/jet_fuel_cant_melt_steel_beams/
%
Help! I made my computer racist!

I accidentally pressed alt-right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdtdzz/help_i_made_my_computer_racist/
%
What's the opposite of a mermaid?

Land Ho!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdtcck/whats_the_opposite_of_a_mermaid/
%
What is an onomatopoeia for gonorrhea?

Applause? The clap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdt97l/what_is_an_onomatopoeia_for_gonorrhea/
%
A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”
“Really?” he said. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdt8r1/a_lady_on_a_commuter_train_is_reading_a_newspaper/
%
I knew the Notre Dame fire was going to happen...

I just had this hunch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdt7be/i_knew_the_notre_dame_fire_was_going_to_happen/
%
A drunk man hails a taxi cab.

When the taxi pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, “Have you got room in here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?”
“Sure,” replies the driver.
The drunk man says, “Fantastic!” and throws up on the passenger seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdt47t/a_drunk_man_hails_a_taxi_cab/
%
I just found out that I’m blind

I never saw it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdt2oq/i_just_found_out_that_im_blind/
%
A man was eating in a restaurant when he desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his coffee and noticed that everybody was staring at him. Then he suddenly remembered he was listening to his iPod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsvfq/a_man_was_eating_in_a_restaurant_when_he/
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What does a person study to design sex toys?

Graphic design.
NB: This is the first joke I ever come up with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdssi8/what_does_a_person_study_to_design_sex_toys/
%
“Julie,” her mother asked, “why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?”

“Because,” Julie answered, “that’s where my canary is.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsr77/julie_her_mother_asked_why_are_you_feeding/
%
Who circumcised Moby Dick?

Four Skin Divers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsqj5/who_circumcised_moby_dick/
%
Two ducks are having an affair.

hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.
“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”
“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdso80/two_ducks_are_having_an_affair/
%
A man walks in to a bar

He sees several pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling and asks
"What's going on?"
The bartender explains "If you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night, if you miss you have to buy everyone else's drinks for an hour. Are you in?"
The man says "Nah, the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsnh1/a_man_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
There was a father mole, a mother mole, and a baby mole that lived in a hole out in the country not far from a farmhouse.

One morning, the father mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I think I smell sausage cooking!”
The mother mole pushed the father mole aside, poked her head outside the hole, and said, “Mmmm, I think I smell pancakes!”
The baby mole tried to push aside the two bigger moles to stick his head outside the hole, but couldn’t, because he was so much smaller.
Frustrated, the baby mole said out loud, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsmye/there_was_a_father_mole_a_mother_mole_and_a_baby/
%
What is big, yellow, and can’t swim?

A school-bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsl2o/what_is_big_yellow_and_cant_swim/
%
A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.
“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”
“Two?” the agent replies.
“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdskhn/a_young_actor_calls_his_agent_from_the_set_of_his/
%
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Smells like carrots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsk7p/what_did_one_snowman_say_to_the_other_snowman/
%
I really didn’t want to go for a run today.

But then the cops showed up from nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsjsv/i_really_didnt_want_to_go_for_a_run_today/
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Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
“Just think,” he said, “when I’m president, I’ll have my own personal gold urinal!”
Laura had lunch with Hillary Clinton on her tour of the White House and told her how impressed George had been with his discovery of the president’s private bathroom and gold urinal.
“Bill doesn’t have a gold urinal,” Hillary told Laura, “but that explains who peed in Bill’s saxophone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsjke/before_his_inauguration_george_w_bush_was_invited/
%
A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.

He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!”
“Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsh73/a_heartless_drill_instructor_screamed_at_his/
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April 15, 2019 is the date the Notre Dame cathedral....

Ex-spired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsfha/april_15_2019_is_the_date_the_notre_dame_cathedral/
%
What do you call gay intercourse between 2 scientists?

Large Hardon Collider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsf12/what_do_you_call_gay_intercourse_between_2/
%
A 700kg man has wasted his whole life untying knots

He is the world's biggest looser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsesz/a_700kg_man_has_wasted_his_whole_life_untying/
%
I am so good at Sleeping..

That I can even do it with my eyes closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsek0/i_am_so_good_at_sleeping/
%
How do vampires pay for things?

Crypt-currency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsc5m/how_do_vampires_pay_for_things/
%
How do we know Jesus drove a Honda and was modest about it?

Jesus: "For I did not speak of my own accord"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsbit/how_do_we_know_jesus_drove_a_honda_and_was_modest/
%
During the rush of the holiday season, Sarah completely forgot to mail a Christmas card to her best friend.

She hurries into the post office with a card and asks the postal service worker for a first-class stamp.
“Do I have to put this stamp on myself?” she asks.
“No,” the postal employee replies. “You can put it right on the envelope.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdsaty/during_the_rush_of_the_holiday_season_sarah/
%
Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”
His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”
“Oh, it will,” Matt responds, “and it does.”
The next morning his wife wakes up to find a bathroom scale in the driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bds9m9/matts_wife_has_been_dropping_hints_about_her/
%
My dog Minton ate a shuttlecock last night.

Bad Minton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bds8d0/my_dog_minton_ate_a_shuttlecock_last_night/
%
A man cheats on his girlfriend, Lorraine, with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings loudly, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bds7qe/a_man_cheats_on_his_girlfriend_lorraine_with_a/
%
French investigators aren’t sure how the fire started. But Quasimodo said:

Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bds6pk/french_investigators_arent_sure_how_the_fire/
%
A husband and wife are staring at their garden.

“Sooner or later,” the wife comments, “you’re going to have to put in a better scarecrow.”
“What’s wrong with the one we’ve got?” asks the husband. “It scares away all the birds and it’s still got a few good years left.”
“I agree,” the wife says, “but my mother can’t stay out there forever.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bds675/a_husband_and_wife_are_staring_at_their_garden/
%
A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.
“Who?” the son asks.
“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bds3zv/a_young_boy_is_listening_to_the_radio_in_the_car/
%
I had a chance to check my buddy's homework in the elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bds1du/i_had_a_chance_to_check_my_buddys_homework_in_the/
%
A stranger at the park is watching a young boy play in front of his young mother.

After a few minutes of the boy clucking incessantly, the man asks, “Why does your son repeatedly say ‘cluck, cluck, cluck’?”
The young mother replies, “Because he thinks he’s a chicken.”
“Why don’t you tell him he’s not a chicken?” the stranger asks.
“Well,” says the mom, “because we really need the eggs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bds0js/a_stranger_at_the_park_is_watching_a_young_boy/
%
Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."
Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."
The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.
The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdrxa9/scientists_removed_the_right_half_of_a_mans_brain/
%
What do DJs call their puppies ?

Subwoofers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdrvf9/what_do_djs_call_their_puppies/
%
Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdru17/carrie_fisher_runs_into_george_micheal_in_the/
%
If Singapore Airlines is called SIA, Malaysian Airlines should be called

MIA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdrrid/if_singapore_airlines_is_called_sia_malaysian/
%
Where do spiders play football?

Webley Stadium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdrql0/where_do_spiders_play_football/
%
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdrppo/a_man_walks_out_to_the_street_and_catches_a_taxi/
%
What do you think happened to the renovation guy in Notre Dame?

He probably got fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdrntd/what_do_you_think_happened_to_the_renovation_guy/
%
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “$750?
Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdrnin/a_woman_is_having_an_affair_during_the_day_while/
%
How can you tell if someone has never seen Game of Thrones?

They'll fucking tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdrj83/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_has_never_seen_game/
%
Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.

It's a pun-croc band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdri37/some_crocodiles_decided_to_get_together_and_sing/
%
Where did Captain Hook get his hook when he lost his hand?

The second hand store....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdrfg4/where_did_captain_hook_get_his_hook_when_he_lost/
%
What do you call a baker that quits his job?

A desserter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdr8cs/what_do_you_call_a_baker_that_quits_his_job/
%
What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires?

A bad electrician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdr4s0/what_is_black_and_smokes_and_is_attached_to/
%
Why were the anti-vaxxers the only ones who survived the school shooting?

Because they're well-practiced at avoiding shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdr2rt/why_were_the_antivaxxers_the_only_ones_who/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdr1t1/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
Horny Husband

With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill.
"Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!"
He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed.
"She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!"
His wife was mad, `Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!`

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdr08r/horny_husband/
%
I was devastated when my wife left me, but she gave me a gift that I'll always carry with me...

Herpes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdqxs8/i_was_devastated_when_my_wife_left_me_but_she/
%
During a parole hearing.

Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?
Prisoner: It's bec...
Officer: Yes?
Prisoner: I think i have...
Officer: Go on.
Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence!
Officer: Sure, Parole denied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdqvpq/during_a_parole_hearing/
%
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdquqe/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
%
What do you call it when someone’s unable to find someone able to help them through their pregnancy?

Having a midwife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdqtqb/what_do_you_call_it_when_someones_unable_to_find/
%
Quasimodo walks into a bar and asks for a whisky.

Landlord: "Bells alright?"
Quasimodo: "Mind your own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdqsm0/quasimodo_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_whisky/
%
4 nuns (long)

4 nuns are waiting in line for confessions.
the first nun goes in and tells the pastor: Forgive me, for i have sinned.
the pastor asks whats wrong and she replies: I have seen a man naked.
pastor: that's alright, just say 10 prayers and wash your eyes with the holy water around the corner.
then the second nun goes in,
Nun: forgive me, for i have sinned.
pastor: tell me your sin, and i ask god for forgiveness.
nun: i have jerked of a man.
pastor: that's not to bad, just say 20 prayers and wash your hands in the holy water.
then, at the moment the 3 nun wants to enter, she gets pushed aside by the forth nun,
pastor to the forth nun: why do you push her to cut the line?
4th nun: there no fucking way i'm going to wash my mouth in the same water where this bitch cleaned her crack with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdqrrx/4_nuns_long/
%
The correct behavior may be wrong

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdqpm8/the_correct_behavior_may_be_wrong/
%
The Golden State Warriors just suffered the second biggest sports collapse to date...

First probably has to go to Notre Dame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdqkjf/the_golden_state_warriors_just_suffered_the/
%
Once we meet intelligent extraterrestrials, discrimination will get a whole new dimension

Just for you to know, I am on your side, you are my species!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdqizw/once_we_meet_intelligent_extraterrestrials/
%
My neighborhood barber was arrested for selling drugs...

It’s crazy that I have been his customer for 2 years and never knew he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdqamt/my_neighborhood_barber_was_arrested_for_selling/
%
Don’t know if you should get a bed

Maybe you should sleep on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdq9st/dont_know_if_you_should_get_a_bed/
%
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?

Boobies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdq8zn/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk_instead_of_honey/
%
What do you get when you mix LSD with Plan B?

A trip without the kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdq7vh/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_lsd_with_plan_b/
%
What’s the difference between my dick and a bad joke?

One look at my dick and people start laughing, meanwhile a bad joke gets stared at for a while before it’s funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdq7lt/whats_the_difference_between_my_dick_and_a_bad/
%
Two men are hired to paint a church

The job doesnt pay too well, so they wanted to save as much money as possible so they bought only as much paint as they thought was needed.
As they are getting close to finishing, they realized that they were not going to have enough paint left to finish the job. One of the men has the brilliant idea to mix in some paint thinner so that they would have enough to finish.
Sure enough they are able to finish the job with the paint they have. They pack up and take a moment to admire their work when a booming voice fills the room from out of nowhere, "repaint you thinners!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdq3li/two_men_are_hired_to_paint_a_church/
%
Can we stop with the yo mamma jokes? They are old and they have been done thousands of times by thousands of people

Kinda like yo mamma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdq0tq/can_we_stop_with_the_yo_mamma_jokes_they_are_old/
%
What are the best drugs to have sex on?

Birth control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdpzh5/what_are_the_best_drugs_to_have_sex_on/
%
Two women sitting having coffee

One woman looks out the window and says “Aw is that your husband coming home with flowers?!”
The wife responds, “Yes it is.”
The first woman responds by saying, "Oh you are so lucky".
The wife says, "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole weekend on my back, with my legs in the air, and spread apart."
The other woman says, "Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdpwcf/two_women_sitting_having_coffee/
%
My shrink thinks I’m looking for love in all the wrong places.

She said I can’t trust women who charge by the hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdps0t/my_shrink_thinks_im_looking_for_love_in_all_the/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdpqgh/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
What is the difference between a knight and a weird pimp?

One rides on horseback and the other rides on whores backs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdpoxu/what_is_the_difference_between_a_knight_and_a/
%
One dayBill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdpoo6/one_daybill_complained_to_his_friend_that_his/
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A bear walks into a bar...

And sits down on the last stool away from the door, the only available seat.
The bartender eventually works his way down to the bear. "Sorry, it's been a rough day. What'll it be?"
"I'll have a gin and... tonic."
"Why the long face?"
The bear looks confused. "Don't you mean 'Why the big pause?'"
The bartender sighs. "Like I said, it's been a rough day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdpnva/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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environmentalists discover a secluded community where everybody recycles

r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdpmso/environmentalists_discover_a_secluded_community/
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I went out dressed as a chicken last night and met a girl who was dressed as an egg.

One thing led to another and the eternal question was answered:
It was the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdpl7q/i_went_out_dressed_as_a_chicken_last_night_and/
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Somethings never get old

1. Making fun of antivaxxers
2. Their children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdpk3s/somethings_never_get_old/
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Parking Ticket

I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdpj9s/parking_ticket/
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I might decide to invest in Velcro

but I heard it’s a rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdpceo/i_might_decide_to_invest_in_velcro/
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If Ant-Man did defeat Thanos by going up his butt and expanding he really would have...

Rectum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdp9oj/if_antman_did_defeat_thanos_by_going_up_his_butt/
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Where is a sheeps favourite place to drink?

At their local baa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdp5pw/where_is_a_sheeps_favourite_place_to_drink/
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I went to study under a pickup artist.

Still no luck with women, but my truck looks great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdp4z6/i_went_to_study_under_a_pickup_artist/
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My father first talked to me about sex when I was to go to college

He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdp4w0/my_father_first_talked_to_me_about_sex_when_i_was/
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You really have to hand it to Disney

They really went all out in their Hunchback live action adaption

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdp4ro/you_really_have_to_hand_it_to_disney/
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What is The Night Kings favorite color?

Burnt Umber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdp195/what_is_the_night_kings_favorite_color/
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The surgeon and his wife.

Heard this in the OR today during surgery.
A middle aged surgeon and his wife are walking along a sandy beach, when they notice a brass lamp protruding from then ground.
The wife picks it up and a genie immediately spouts forth from the lamp. "You each may have 3 wishes", the genie says.
The surgeon allows his wife to go first. She asks for a house on the Cliffside nearby, overlooking the beach. Suddenly a mansion appears in the distance. She then asks for immense wealth. This too is also granted. Finally she asks to be free of illnesses for as long as she lives. This is granted and as a token of gratitude the genie transports them to the doorsteps of the cliff side mansion.
The genie turns to the surgeon and inquires what his wishes are. The man states “I’d like to have a wife that is 20 years younger than myself”. The genie nods and makes the man 70 years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdows9/the_surgeon_and_his_wife/
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On the bright side, I got to scratch something off my bucket list today ...

N̶o̶t̶r̶e̶ ̶D̶a̶m̶e̶

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdovgt/on_the_bright_side_i_got_to_scratch_something_off/
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I'm okay with dating someone that's anti-vax

I want to be child-free so it would work out either way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdotck/im_okay_with_dating_someone_thats_antivax/
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Yesterday i escaped from Iraq. Method?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdon0d/yesterday_i_escaped_from_iraq_method/
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A couple is walking in st. Peter'sburg Square on Christmas eve

They feel slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining"  says the man.
"No its snowing"  replies the woman.
"How about we ask this communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man.
"officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining" officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdomlm/a_couple_is_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
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My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdolo3/my_grandmother_is_over_eighty_and_she_still/
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I don’t know why I decided to eat glitter.

Turns out it was a pretty shit idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdole8/i_dont_know_why_i_decided_to_eat_glitter/
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French police aren't sure how the Notre Dame fire started...

But they have a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdoj6q/french_police_arent_sure_how_the_notre_dame_fire/
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The devil walks into a church

Everyone runs out except for an old man. The devil asked him why didnt he run out? The man replies with a "I married your sister. I think i can handle you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdoasc/the_devil_walks_into_a_church/
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How much of Canadas Northern-most Territory will be left if we dont stop Global Warming?

Nunavut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdo7zt/how_much_of_canadas_northernmost_territory_will/
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When Amy Schumer was growing up...

Everyone laughed at her when she said she wanted to be comedian.
Nobody's laughing now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdo7q0/when_amy_schumer_was_growing_up/
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My brother isn’t celebrating Easter with us this year...

He’s Egg-Nostic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdo43y/my_brother_isnt_celebrating_easter_with_us_this/
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It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone

A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says
“What’ll it be today?”
The bear says “give me a gin and.........................tonic”
The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?”
The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdo1zt/its_my_cake_day_so_a_joke_for_everyone/
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If I told you you had a great body?

Would you hold it against me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdnz8a/if_i_told_you_you_had_a_great_body/
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You snooze, you lose

-is not exactly how I thought I'd lose my virginity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdnw3f/you_snooze_you_lose/
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One more friendly reminder about the Notre Dame cathedral catching fire...

Consequently, it has become the world's hottest tourist attraction though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdnugm/one_more_friendly_reminder_about_the_notre_dame/
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A blonde lady is riding a horse. When the horse is at full gallop she starts to slip off, she holds on for dear life but is slipping off lower and lower. The horse shows no sign of slowing as the lady is nearly at the ground, she begins to scream in panic and terror...

In the nick of time the Walmart greeter comes over and unplugs it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdnqzz/a_blonde_lady_is_riding_a_horse_when_the_horse_is/
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I don't know who started the Notre Dame fire

But I've got a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdnpdz/i_dont_know_who_started_the_notre_dame_fire/
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A woman went to the doctor's with a bit of lettuce sticking out from her underwear...

Doctor looks at it and says "that looks odd", woman says "Oh, it's just the tip of the iceberg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdnpab/a_woman_went_to_the_doctors_with_a_bit_of_lettuce/
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I didn’t even know this about my neighbor!

My neighbor is a barber, he and I have lived by each other for years. Earlier this week he got arrested for dealing drugs. I’ve been his customer going on 9 years now, never even realized he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdnk41/i_didnt_even_know_this_about_my_neighbor/
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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records

Then I got kicked out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdnipb/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?

Ba na na na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdndkl/what_is_beethovens_favourite_fruit/
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What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdndjg/whats_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
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After a date, I asked this girl for a 68

“68? What’s that?” She asks
I replied “it’s where you blow me and I owe ya one”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdnbly/after_a_date_i_asked_this_girl_for_a_68/
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Why do jewish men only have sex once a day?

Because they don’t believe in a second coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdn7j5/why_do_jewish_men_only_have_sex_once_a_day/
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You know you're in Canada when...

You go to a fight and a hockey game breaks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdn6pa/you_know_youre_in_canada_when/
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I only believe in about 12% of the bible...

I’m an eighthiest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdn4pe/i_only_believe_in_about_12_of_the_bible/
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I’m sitting at a bar where my ex girlfriend works.

I’m hoping she gives me another shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdmwnc/im_sitting_at_a_bar_where_my_ex_girlfriend_works/
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I tried setting my password to penis

the system said it wasn’t long enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdmqfe/i_tried_setting_my_password_to_penis/
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Handsome and rich and......

A man walks into a bar and everybody turns to look at him. He is the most handsome man any of them have ever seen. Even the men can't stop looking at him. On his shoulder is a little man not even a foot tall. He walks up to the bar and tells the bartender, I would like to buy a round for the house, gives the bartender a hundred dollar bill and says keep the change. The bartender pours drinks for everyone, and just as he pours the last beer, the little man jumps off of the stranger's shoulder, runs down the bar and kicks over every drink. The man apologizes, gives the bartender a hundred dollars for the mess and asks him to pour everyone another drink. This time he gives the bartender two hundred dollars and says keep the change. Again the little man jumps down and kicks over every drink. So the stranger gives the bartender two more hundred dollar bills, apologizes and turns to leave. Before he can go the bartender asks what was up with his behavior. The man says, well I freed a faery from a spider web and she gave me three wishes. I asked to be the most handsome man in the world, and look at me. I asked to impossibly wealthy and I have a never-ending supply of 100 dollar bills in my pocket. Then i asked to have a 10-inch prick and well....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdmnhs/handsome_and_rich_and/
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A blonde reporter is given a choice...

Her boss tells her that she has to get a good scoop within an hour or she’ll be fired. She thinks for a while, then, her face lights up, and she runs to her car and drives off. Her boss waits an hour, then texts her to ask where she is. She responds with an address, and after driving there, her boss is surprised to find an ice cream shop. He walks in to find the blonde happily eating ice cream. He asks her what she’s doing, not getting a scoop when she holds up her ice cream, saying,
‘This is the best scoop I’ve ever gotten!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdmkhs/a_blonde_reporter_is_given_a_choice/
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A farmer is driving down the road and ..

A farmer is driving down the road and sees one of his sheep with its head stuck in a fence. Standing behind the sheep is his neighbor, just fucking away. The farmer stops and shouts over "What the hell are you doing!?"
"HI there, just fucking a sheep, you want next?"
The farmer says "Sure, why not?"
So the farmer sticks his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdmkh1/a_farmer_is_driving_down_the_road_and/
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How many Mexicans do you need to change a light bulb?

One, you only need one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdmiwc/how_many_mexicans_do_you_need_to_change_a_light/
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My girlfriend came home from work early today to tell me she wanted to break up with me because I was too much of a nice guy...

but before she could finish I abruptly interrupted her to acknowledge that I had a feeling she felt that way and actually moved out last month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdmiqq/my_girlfriend_came_home_from_work_early_today_to/
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After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from a long line of some of the best bell ringers in Europe, and I can assure you that I'm more than capable of the task. I can demonstrate if you'd like." The priest replies "Yes, absolutely!" and leads him up to the bell tower. Once they get there, the little man asks the priest to step back, takes a running start and slams his forehead against one of the huge bells. The bell rings out and all the Parisians down below look up and smile as the wonderful sound that's been absent for so long. "That's amazing!" shouts the priest "Can you do that every hour without injuring yourself?". "Yes! Of course! I've been doing this for years so I'm used to it." says the little man. "Well..." says the priest, "I'm impressed! The job is yours and you can start immediately." The little man is overjoyed. He steps back, takes another running start and slams into the bell again. As the priest looks on, he jogs back and takes another run at the bell, but trips on the uneven floor, stumbles and falls out the window smashing onto the stone courtyard below. By the time the priest runs down from the bell tower, the locals have gathered around the dead man. "Who was he?" one asks. "He just applied for the bell ringer job. Oh, this is terrible!". Another person asks "What happened?". "He accidentally tripped and fell." said the horrified priest. "What was his name?", asked a woman. The priest thinks for a minute and says "You know... he never told me, but his face rings a bell."
A week later, there's a knock on the doors of the Cathedral. When the same priest opens the doors, he's shocked see another strange little man who looks identical to the man who died, but he has both of his arms. "Can I help you?" he asks the man. "Yes, I hope so. My brother applied for the bell ringer position here last week..." "Yes! Yes!" interrupts the priest "I'm so sorry! It was a terrible accident!". The man says "It okay. I understand. It's one of the risks of the job, but I'd like to fill in for my brother if the position is still available." "Of course!" says the priest, "but I'll need some proof that you can do the job. Just a formality... I hope you understand". "Of course!" says the man. "I'd be happy to give you a demonstration." The priest leads him up the bell tower, and the little man asks him to stand back. He grabs the ropes and begins swinging up and down with all of his weight. The bells ring out, and the Parisians look up again and smile at the familiar sound. The priest is delighted. "That's wonderful! You're hired and can start immediately!" The little man is so happy at the news, he begins ringing the bells with all his might. He's swinging up and down, and side to side as beautiful sound fills the streets below. He's swinging so hard that the old, worn rope snaps and the man bounces off the ground and rolls out the window onto the same stone courtyard where his brother died. Once again, the locals gather around the dead body as the priest rushes down from the bell tower. "What happened?" one asks. "Oh my God, this is terrible" the priest cries "The rope broke and he fell!". "What was his name?" asks another local. The priest thinks for a minute and says "Funny... he didn't say, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdm9of/after_quasimodo_died_notre_dame_cathedral_needed/
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As you may know, Notre Dame is currently on fire

Police are having trouble working out the cause, but they have a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdm9gv/as_you_may_know_notre_dame_is_currently_on_fire/
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What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdm5me/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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An elderly couple died in a car crash

They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with eating health foods, keeping a strict watch on both of their diets.
So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation facilities. The husband was particularly impressed by the eighteen-hole golf course and the Olympic-sized swimming pool.
‘This is an amazing place you’ve got.’ He told St Peter.
‘And there’s more,’ said St Peter. ‘Let me show you the restaurant.’
As they observed the sumptuous buffet serving every food imaginable, the husband asked: ‘Where’s the low-fat table?’
‘Oh, you don’t have to worry about things like that anymore.’ Said St Peter, ‘you can eat whatever you want here, no matter how fatty it is, and it’s all free. That’s the beauty of Heaven!’
With that, the husband thew his hat to the ground in a fit of temper.
‘What’s the problem?’ Asked St Peter.
Turning to his wife, the husband snapped: ‘This is all you fault Ethel. If it weren’t for your goddam bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdlu5p/an_elderly_couple_died_in_a_car_crash/
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What do you call a midget who’s good at poker?

A little better
(My neighbor tells me jokes every day, thought you’d enjoy)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdlpsw/what_do_you_call_a_midget_whos_good_at_poker/
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A traffic cop pulled over a driver in who had been weaving erratically along the highway

Approaching the car, he said: ‘Sir, i need you to blow into a breathalyser.’
‘Sorry officer,’ he replied. ‘I can’t do that. I’m an asthmatic. If i do that, I’ll have a rally bad asthma attack.’
‘Well, then i need you to come to the station to give me a blood sample.’
‘I can’t do that either, officer. I’m a haemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.’
‘Well perhaps we could try a urine sample?’
‘Sorry officer I can’t do that either. I’m also diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.’
‘Ok then,’ said the office, growing increasingly exasperated, ‘I need you to step out of the car and walk along that white line.’
‘I can’t do that, officer.’
‘Why the hell not?’
‘Because I’m drunk.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdlkls/a_traffic_cop_pulled_over_a_driver_in_who_had/
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There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdlhha/theres_something_a_lot_of_girls_want_that_guys/
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A little boy wanted a bicycle for Christmas

His mother said she didn’t have enough money to buy him a new bike but suggested that if her wrote to Jesus promising to be a good boy in the future, then maybe Jesus might be willing to get him one.
So the boy started writing out a letter. ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one year...’ He then crossed it out and wrote: ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one month.’ Still he wasn’t happy, so he crossed it out and wrote: ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one week.’ His head in a spin, he tore up the paper and went for a walk.
As he passed the local church, he noticed a nativity scene. When nobody was looking, he grabbed the figure of Mary ,hid it under his coat and ran home.
There he composed a new letter. ‘Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again...’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdlf4h/a_little_boy_wanted_a_bicycle_for_christmas/
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What do we want?

Plane noises! When do we want them? Neoowwwwwwwwww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdl3zc/what_do_we_want/
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Deaf joke

“What do we want?”
“HEARING AIDS!”
“When do we want them?”
“HEARING AIDS!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdktti/deaf_joke/
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A few years ago, I worked with a woman that was totally obssessed with her dogs...

...and would take every opportunity to tell  everyone about them. She really bored 'er collieagues.
Shit Sue we called her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdks4h/a_few_years_ago_i_worked_with_a_woman_that_was/
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I always finish the bottle when drinking...

I mean think about all the sober kids in Africa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdkrio/i_always_finish_the_bottle_when_drinking/
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How did the Jewish man make his craft beer.

Hebrew-ed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdkr2g/how_did_the_jewish_man_make_his_craft_beer/
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As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdkbv1/as_im_sure_youre_all_aware_the_notre_dame/
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I wanted to post a joke about Sodium

But I was like Na people will not understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdka68/i_wanted_to_post_a_joke_about_sodium/
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What is an ig?

A snow house without a loo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdk3yt/what_is_an_ig/
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"Ding dong!" "Who's there?" "Winded." "Winded who?"

"Winded you get a doorbell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdk1mz/ding_dong_whos_there_winded_winded_who/
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There was once a guy waiting to have an open heart surgery

The doctor, who is set to perform the operation, visits him before the procedure and notices that the patient is extremely nervous. He asks him to relax and not to worry. The patient responds by saying that it's his first time having such an operation, which is why he is terrified. The doctor reassures him by saying "it's the first time for me as well but look at how calm I am".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdk05s/there_was_once_a_guy_waiting_to_have_an_open/
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Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdjvl4/fire_is_destroying_a_world_famous_landmark_in/
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Why are physical therapists always so calm?

Because it's their job to exercise patience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdjrsb/why_are_physical_therapists_always_so_calm/
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The anti-vaxx basketball team lost every game this season

Apparently they never take any shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdjhs9/the_antivaxx_basketball_team_lost_every_game_this/
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A doctor gave a man six months to live.

The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdjha2/a_doctor_gave_a_man_six_months_to_live/
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What do you call a person that has been stabbed three times?

An ambulance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdj7zz/what_do_you_call_a_person_that_has_been_stabbed/
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The Research

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdj4fd/the_research/
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdj28f/two_sisters_one_blonde_and_one_brunette_inherit/
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My wife dumped me so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who’s crawling back to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdj0ss/my_wife_dumped_me_so_i_stole_her_wheelchair/
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What did the redneck say when he walked in on his daughter using a cucumber to masturbate?

Hey! I was going to eat that later! Now it's going to taste like cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdiwqm/what_did_the_redneck_say_when_he_walked_in_on_his/
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How do you brainwash an anti-vaxxer?

With an enema.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdivan/how_do_you_brainwash_an_antivaxxer/
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Things were going really well with this lovely Chinese girl I'd taken home when she asked if there was anything I'd like. I said "I'd love a 69"

She slapped my face, burst into tears and threw me out, screaming "You bloody men are all the same...!
"I'm not making beef and broccoli at this time of night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdiu4l/things_were_going_really_well_with_this_lovely/
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Two monkeys were sitting in a tree

and a lion was sleeping below them. One monkey said to the other monkey "I dare you to go down there and fuck that lion in the ass."
The other monkey said o.k.
So he goes down the tree and fucks the lion in the ass.
When the lion realized what was happening, he shook the monkey off him and the monkey takes off swinging through the trees.
The monkey is laughing and then sees that the lion is chasing him.
The lion keeps getting closer, and closer until the monkeys thinks "Man I better do something quick or that lion is going to eat me for lunch”.
The monkey panics and jumps into an explorer’s camp, puts on the explorer’s hat, sits in the chair, and tries to hide behind a newspaper that he pretends to be reading.
The lion bursts into the camp and roars, "Did you see a monkey run by here?"
Behind the newspaper, the monkey stammers, "Y... y....you mean the one that f....f...fucked that lion in the a...a...ass?"
The lion says,"God damn it!! It’s already in the newspaper?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bditng/two_monkeys_were_sitting_in_a_tree/
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My friend called me for help, he said there were two women outside his house literally fighting over him. I told him he was a lucky bastard!

*“Lucky??”* he said *”No not really, the fat one is winning”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bditjd/my_friend_called_me_for_help_he_said_there_were/
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One day I was lying in bed staring up at the stars when i thought to myself...

My roof has gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdis7k/one_day_i_was_lying_in_bed_staring_up_at_the/
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I used to date a girl called Lorraine but now i'm with Clara.

I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdiqjg/i_used_to_date_a_girl_called_lorraine_but_now_im/
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I broke my finger last week

On the other hand,  i am okay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdip5i/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum.

They’re the Tolkien white guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdijse/the_only_two_white_actors_in_black_panther_are/
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What would you call an officer that thinks a lot?

A philofficer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdifg8/what_would_you_call_an_officer_that_thinks_a_lot/
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A Jewish kid asks his dad for $5...

"$4?!  What do you need $3 for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdif37/a_jewish_kid_asks_his_dad_for_5/
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What room do ghosts avoid?

...
The living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdi65v/what_room_do_ghosts_avoid/
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Two wind turbines were talking to each other.

One of the said "hey, what kind of music do you like?" The other said. "I'm a big heavy metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdi0kj/two_wind_turbines_were_talking_to_each_other/
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A blind man walkes into a bar.

And a table. And a chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdhtxz/a_blind_man_walkes_into_a_bar/
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I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdhrj3/i_went_to_the_walmart_today_and_i_was_there_for/
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I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger .

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdhrfs/i_couldnt_figure_out_why_the_baseball_kept/
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What do you call a guy with rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdhqig/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_rubber_toe/
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If Singapore Airlines is called SIA, Malaysian Airlines should be called

MIA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdhkp6/if_singapore_airlines_is_called_sia_malaysian/
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I am so good at sleeping.

I can even do it with my eyes closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdhjbf/i_am_so_good_at_sleeping/
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It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions

Like the Smith family were blacksmiths
and the Bowman family were archers
and the Dickinson family...  well they were in jail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdhibj/its_cool_that_last_names_tell_us_about_old_family/
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Business was bad, the small company was on the edge of bankruptcy.

The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.
"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."
"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.
The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdhgjy/business_was_bad_the_small_company_was_on_the/
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Game of thrones spoiler!!!!

Now that all the nerds aren't paying attention, party at my house this Saturday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdhejy/game_of_thrones_spoiler/
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A politician’s chauffeur ran over a pig while visiting the farmlands.

The politician told the chauffeur to find the owner of the pig and apologize to him and offer him compensation for this accident. So the chauffeur went to look for the farmer who owned the pig. Couple of hours later, the chauffeur returned with lots of goods like eggs, butter, meat and chickens.
The politician asked him, “where did you get all these? I asked you to apologize to the owner of the pig, did you do that?”
The chauffeur responded, “I did find him and he is the one who gave me all these gifts”.
The politician was surprised and asked the chauffeur what did he tell the farmer.
The chauffeur replied, “I went to him and said: I am the chauffeur of the politician, I killed the pig.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdhe5b/a_politicians_chauffeur_ran_over_a_pig_while/
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A Atheist,Vegan, and athlete walk into a bar,

I only know them because they told everyone in the first 5 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdhbgh/a_atheistvegan_and_athlete_walk_into_a_bar/
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My Lesbian Neighbour couple got me a Rolex for Birthday...

I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdh7xu/my_lesbian_neighbour_couple_got_me_a_rolex_for/
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I'm not racist.

Some of my best slaves are black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdh7nm/im_not_racist/
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A weasel walks into a bar...

...the bartender goes “Wow I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get you?”
“Pop.” Goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdh6sh/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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If actions speak louder than words...

...then deaf people need to keep the fucking noise down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdh5f4/if_actions_speak_louder_than_words/
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A doctor and lawyer are talking at a party.

Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdh447/a_doctor_and_lawyer_are_talking_at_a_party/
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A bear and a rabbit we're taking a shit in the woods.

The bear asked the rabbit. "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur"? The rabbit said. "No", so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdh1cl/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_were_taking_a_shit_in_the/
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Guy goes into his neighborhood bar and sits down.

The bartender says, "Hey, Floyd, you want the usual Budweiser?"
"No", says Floyd.  "I must have drank thirty beers last night.  I staggered home and blew Chunks for 45 minutes."
The bartender says, "Well, what do you expect after drinking over a case of beer?"
"You don't understand", says Floyd.  "'Chunks' is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgvqu/guy_goes_into_his_neighborhood_bar_and_sits_down/
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How does an Octopus go to war?

Very well armed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgv5y/how_does_an_octopus_go_to_war/
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A man angrily knocks on the door of a house.

The homeowner answers and the man begins shouting, “Your dog jumped the fence, chased me on a bicycle, and bit my leg!”
The homeowner looks at the man and said, “That’s impossible. My dog has no idea how to ride a bike.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgtu7/a_man_angrily_knocks_on_the_door_of_a_house/
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A lawyer and a United Way officer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgoly/a_lawyer_and_a_united_way_officer/
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I bought stock in an escalator company.

Profits are on the rise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgjum/i_bought_stock_in_an_escalator_company/
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An old couple are sitting in their living room.

The old woman leans over and says to the old man, “Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?” The old man grabs the old woman’s hand.
Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?” The old man puts his arm around the old woman.
Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?” To the old woman’s surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away.
“Honey, where are you going?” she asks. The old man replies, “I’m going to get my dentures.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgjhs/an_old_couple_are_sitting_in_their_living_room/
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I probably shouldn't be driving right now...

but bad brakes haven't stopped me before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgj6e/i_probably_shouldnt_be_driving_right_now/
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I'm a dyslexic agnostic insomniac.

I stay up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgigu/im_a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
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2 cows were in a field..

So 2 cows were in a field, one said “did you hear about mad cow disease”
The other cow said “what do I care, I’m a helicopter”
hahahahahahahahahah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdghh0/2_cows_were_in_a_field/
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Boss is clever

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sex with me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgh37/boss_is_clever/
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I know that I'm paranoid.

But I worry that I might not be paranoid enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgg84/i_know_that_im_paranoid/
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Lawyer got rekt

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgcs3/lawyer_got_rekt/
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A soccer hooligan appears before a judge.

He is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.
“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.
“Stones, sir,” the officer replies.
The judge is confused. “Well, that’s hardly an offense, officer.”
“It was in this case, sir,” the officer explains. “Stones was the name of the referee.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgcrs/a_soccer_hooligan_appears_before_a_judge/
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Someone told me that Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time.

I know some parts are a bit unpleasant, but it’s not that disgusting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgca9/someone_told_me_that_avatar_is_the_highest/
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What sounds do porcupines make when they kiss?

"Ouch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgb83/what_sounds_do_porcupines_make_when_they_kiss/
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What's the difference between misbehaving children and eggs?

The eggs taste better after I beat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdgb42/whats_the_difference_between_misbehaving_children/
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It’s a really obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdga0v/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A lady and her 7 year old son..

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.
In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success.
The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help.
A man gets up from a nearby table, and with astonishing tranquillity, without saying a word, lowers the boy's pants and squeezes his testicles.
The boy yells and spits out the coin. The gentleman with the same tranquillity returns to his table without a word.
Soon, the mother calms down and approaches the gentleman to thank him for saving her son's life.
She asks, "Sir, are you a doctor?"
"No, ma'am," comes the reply. "I'm an Assistant Commissioner of Income Tax”
"We are trained to squeeze everyone's balls to make them cough up the last penny."
***Reminder to file and confirm your tax returns***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdg9q4/a_lady_and_her_7_year_old_son/
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Don`t buy Colgate whitening substance.

It guarantees whiteness within 14 days. It was been 2 weeks and I am still asian...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdg91j/dont_buy_colgate_whitening_substance/
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Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdg7mw/two_factory_workers_are_talking_the_woman_says_i/
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Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story building

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdg6ja/some_species_of_frog_can_jump_higher_than_a/
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An admiral is staring off the deck of his battleship at the approaching enemy on the horizon.

“Fetch my red shirt,” the admiral says to his first officer. “If I’m wounded in battle, I don’t want the men to see I’m bleeding. It will kill morale.”
“But sir,” says the first officer, “there is a fleet of fifteen ships coming right for us.”
“Oh,” the admiral sighs. “Well, in that case go grab my brown pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdg6e9/an_admiral_is_staring_off_the_deck_of_his/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdg4ok/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Why does Japan have low birth and obesity rates?

Coz the last time they saw a fat man and a little boy 200,000 people died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdg212/why_does_japan_have_low_birth_and_obesity_rates/
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What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

An algae-bra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdfyvr/what_did_the_mermaid_wear_to_her_math_class/
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Last year I joined a group for antisocial people...

I wonder if I’ll ever meet them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdfyud/last_year_i_joined_a_group_for_antisocial_people/
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An office manager is interviewing an applicant.

He asks the woman if she has any unusual talents. She says she’d actually won a few national crossword puzzle contests. “Sounds good,” the office manager replies, “but we want someone who will be just as intelligent during office hours.”
“Oh,” says the applicant. “That’s good because that’s when I do most of my puzzles.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdfyor/an_office_manager_is_interviewing_an_applicant/
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Who is Han Solo's favorite rapper?

Tupacca

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdfxby/who_is_han_solos_favorite_rapper/
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Sex is a great thing,

but ultimately it leads to nutting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdfvwh/sex_is_a_great_thing/
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"wife going to the london"

Wife : what gift do you want?
Husband: one british girl
"wife returns"
Husband :  Where's my gift?
Wife:  Wait for 9 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdftsg/wife_going_to_the_london/
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Do you know why they eat snails in France?

It's just that they don't like fast food there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdftgi/do_you_know_why_they_eat_snails_in_france/
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Dirty thinking

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdfprg/dirty_thinking/
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“Bill,” a sad-faced man says to his coworker,

“I just heard the news about your uncle falling off that cliff. I’m terribly sorry. Were the two of you close?”
“We were just close enough for me to push him,” Bill replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdfog5/bill_a_sadfaced_man_says_to_his_coworker/
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I will always remember my grandpa’s last words

Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdfley/i_will_always_remember_my_grandpas_last_words/
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Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic

Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdfirt/guys_who_try_to_pick_up_girls_through_reddit_are/
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How do you keep little cows quiet so their mummy can sleep in on Mother’s Day?

Use the Mooote function on their horns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdfh2e/how_do_you_keep_little_cows_quiet_so_their_mummy/
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Want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdfcta/want_to_hear_a_construction_joke/
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Fish story

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, I'll show ya!
We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdf93t/fish_story/
%
Roll 5 of the same number and it’s called a Yahtzee.

Roll nein, and it’s a nahtzee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdf42f/roll_5_of_the_same_number_and_its_called_a_yahtzee/
%
Be careful when you want to get married...!!!!

**Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and**
**lighten your burden.**
**Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or**
**troubles.**
**Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdex3x/be_careful_when_you_want_to_get_married/
%
Dirty sister

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdeuzo/dirty_sister/
%
Whats the difference between a teenager and a teenager from Alabama?

The Alabaman teen’s “Home Movies” file actually mean “Home Movies”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdet2x/whats_the_difference_between_a_teenager_and_a/
%
What does 6.9 mean?

Just another good thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdesu4/what_does_69_mean/
%
Waiter: "What'll you have?"

Me: "I'll have the chameleon."
Waiter: "That's not on the menu."
Me: "How can you be sure?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bderay/waiter_whatll_you_have/
%
Mom tells the truth.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdeqe2/mom_tells_the_truth/
%
Why did the seagull fly over the sea?

Because if it flew over the bay it’d be a bagel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdeq6t/why_did_the_seagull_fly_over_the_sea/
%
I’m bad at four things...

Faces, names and numbers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdepsq/im_bad_at_four_things/
%
A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.
The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasant disrespecting you? Aren't you the king of the jungle? Do something...", "Just ignore him" says the lion "he's just a stupid monkey that isn't worth our time".
"Yesterday I fucked your wife reaaaal good and she liked it!" shouted the monkey. "That's it" said the lioness "I'll teach him a lesson and then we'll have a serious talk about self respect" and went after the monkey who started swinging from a tree to the next.
The lioness kept running after the monkey, he swings to the left, she goes left, he swings to the right she goes right, and suddenly the monkey missed the branch by a bit and felt on the ground below a hole made of the tree roots. "gotchu" said the lioness as she pounced towards the monkey, who actually was waiting for this to happen, his small size allowed him to get through the hole, while the lioness got stuck. He swung behind her, and fucked her to his heart's content with a dirty smile on his face.
That evening the lioness retuned to her home silent, and when she saw the lion she said "you were right, I shouldn't had let that peasant's taunting get to me"... The lion hugged her understandingly and said "yeaaaah, you too got stuck in the roots didn't you? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdeltf/a_monkey_walks_up_to_the_lion_and_starts_taunting/
%
Wanna get rich? Go near Emilia Clarke.

You'll be Emilia-near.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdehr3/wanna_get_rich_go_near_emilia_clarke/
%
Sam was at the bar

As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "screw it I'll just crawl to the door, I'm sure the fresh air will help" so he did that, and once he got to the door he breathed in a lung full of fresh air and tried standing up, just to fall over once again! He kept trying, but everytime yielding the same results. So after a few tries he thought "God damn I'm drunk, I'll just crawl home, thank God I only live 2 houses from the pub" so he crawls to his home and tries to open the door quietly, and pulls himself up and tries walking in...THUD...he falls over again "screw it I'll just pull myself up the stairs and crawl in bed, I'm sure Jen is sleeping, I'll be fine" So after struggling and finally closing the front door, he does just that, pulls himself up the railing of the stairs, crawls to his bedroom, pulls himself into bed and passes out. The next day hes woken by his wife, asking if he enjoyed his night out at the pub. He asked her how she knew? "Well I got a call from Tom, the barkeep, this morning. He told me you left your wheelchair at the pub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdecsh/sam_was_at_the_bar/
%
Why McDonald's will always be popular with the ladies.

It's got the big D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdearm/why_mcdonalds_will_always_be_popular_with_the/
%
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.

He told me to give her a handjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bde9qo/i_asked_my_dad_how_can_i_satisfy_a_girl_with_a/
%
My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bde9ge/my_girl_keeps_having_disturbed_dreams_shouting/
%
FORTUNE

**A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father**
**hadn't left me a fortune?"**
**"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT  YOU A FORTUNE"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bde94t/fortune/
%
Did you know you can't squint while you are smiling?

You can but I just wanted to make you smile and wish you a good health.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bde15h/did_you_know_you_cant_squint_while_you_are_smiling/
%
Have you guys heard about cheat days?

Well, I kinda misunderstood that, and now my girlfriend has dumped me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bde0ua/have_you_guys_heard_about_cheat_days/
%
I have been in jail for 5 minutes and I have already been raped twice

I hate playing monopoly with my uncle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bde09u/i_have_been_in_jail_for_5_minutes_and_i_have/
%
What do you call a noun that is very good at its job?

A pronoun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bddybi/what_do_you_call_a_noun_that_is_very_good_at_its/
%
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bddrfi/a_math_professor_john_is_having_problems_with_his/
%
Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?

Because of all the sand which is there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bddqgi/why_is_it_impossible_to_starve_in_the_desert/
%
My pen broke. I just tried to write number 11...

But two ones won't make it write

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bddp8t/my_pen_broke_i_just_tried_to_write_number_11/
%
What did the Lion King tell Simba when he was walking too slow?

Mufasa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bddmi1/what_did_the_lion_king_tell_simba_when_he_was/
%
How did Pinnochio die?

He caught fire masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bddj6r/how_did_pinnochio_die/
%
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium
Me: So there's no nickel in this cage?
PSW: Don't do it
Me:  It's a nickeless cage
PSW: LEAVE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bddhgl/me_is_this_birdcage_made_out_of_nickel/
%
Why did the man work in a barn for his whole life?

Because it was  a stable career.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bddeto/why_did_the_man_work_in_a_barn_for_his_whole_life/
%
When I was around 8, my dad sat on my bedside and told me I was adopted.

Your new parents will be here around 2 o'clock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bddbc7/when_i_was_around_8_my_dad_sat_on_my_bedside_and/
%
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. The cabby looked over at the husband and said, "What are you going to do?"
The husband said, "I'm going to cover his ass up with the blanket before he catches a cold."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bddalc/a_man_returning_home_a_day_early_from_a_business/
%
Cop approaches Mickey Mouse and says “ Someone urinated in...

Cop approaches Mickey Mouse and says :
“ Someone urinated in the snow in front of your house and it reads ‘Fuck Mickey’. We ran test and we have some bad news, it’s Goofy’s urine.
..
..
..
Even worse it’s Minnie’s handwriting"
PS:- Found this gem among the comments on one of the posts - The real joke is always in the comments!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdd8on/cop_approaches_mickey_mouse_and_says_someone/
%
A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdd85e/a_few_days_ago_a_team_of_200_scientists_released/
%
3 guys who work with statistic analysis are out hunting.

3 guys who work with statistic analysis are out hunting, when they spot a deer. The first guy shoots, but misses by a foot to the right. The second guy shoots but misses by a foot to the left. The third guy doesn't shoot, but shouts: "We got him! We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdd6x5/3_guys_who_work_with_statistic_analysis_are_out/
%
I thought I had schizophrenia.

Turns out it was my wife saying: "You treat me like I don't exist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdcz29/i_thought_i_had_schizophrenia/
%
A genetically mutated kid had two noses.

A genetically mutated kid has two noses. He asks his parents why only him?
They reply, "No one nose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdcxtr/a_genetically_mutated_kid_had_two_noses/
%
Why does Dwayne Jonson have the ability to make lesbians straight?

Because rock beats scissors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdcueu/why_does_dwayne_jonson_have_the_ability_to_make/
%
The adult version of "Head, shoulders, knees and toes" is

"Wallet, glasses, keys and phone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdclqw/the_adult_version_of_head_shoulders_knees_and/
%
My doctor asked me how my sex life is with Erectile Dysfunction

I replied, “Ever try playing pool with a rope?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdci2x/my_doctor_asked_me_how_my_sex_life_is_with/
%
Don’t try phone sex.

You might get hearing AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdcci9/dont_try_phone_sex/
%
Which fruit is the most feminist?

The man-go of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdcbb0/which_fruit_is_the_most_feminist/
%
A classic joke, but with a twist ending.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
“I don’t know, why?”
“To get to the idiot’s house!”
“Knock knock!”
“Who’s there?”
“The chicken!”
“Jim, stop calling yourself names and get inside.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdca5o/a_classic_joke_but_with_a_twist_ending/
%
How do you get bullied by evil spirits?

By communicating with them with a Wedgie Board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdbyef/how_do_you_get_bullied_by_evil_spirits/
%
Did you hear about the ant who stored his food inside a keyboard?

He's got everything under CTRL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdbwjx/did_you_hear_about_the_ant_who_stored_his_food/
%
What do you call the offspring of an elephant and a rhyno?

Elephyno

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdbomn/what_do_you_call_the_offspring_of_an_elephant_and/
%
What’s the worst thing you can say to a hospital patient?

I slept with your wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdbnl7/whats_the_worst_thing_you_can_say_to_a_hospital/
%
No matter how kind you are...

German children will always be kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdbmv9/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
GOT SPOILER What is the Night King’s favorite paint color?

Burnt Umber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdbkxp/got_spoiler_what_is_the_night_kings_favorite/
%
Did you hear about the big fight at the campground?

It was in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdbjgt/did_you_hear_about_the_big_fight_at_the_campground/
%
Did you hear about the shop that just opened in India that sells fresh meat and cheese?

It's a new deli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdbi6f/did_you_hear_about_the_shop_that_just_opened_in/
%
If I had a sock for every gender

I’d have a pair of socks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdbdge/if_i_had_a_sock_for_every_gender/
%
What do you call a whistleblower stuck inside during a blizzard?

Snowden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdban9/what_do_you_call_a_whistleblower_stuck_inside/
%
Describe your sex life using a movie title

Mine would be home alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdb8g0/describe_your_sex_life_using_a_movie_title/
%
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?

Burger King couldn’t control his Whopper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdb31e/how_did_dairy_queen_get_pregnant/
%
A lion will never cheat on his wife

But a tiger wood...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdb17c/a_lion_will_never_cheat_on_his_wife/
%
The empress was stressed.

Her servant suggested that maybe she could use a little sexual relief. Agreeing to the plan she sent the servant into the city to fetch her a suitable man. The servant returned with three men.
First man stepped forward. "Beneath me," the empress scoffef.
Second man stepped forward. "Beneath me, the empress scoffed.
The servant then afraid she had disappointed her empress pushed the last nervous guy forward.
The empress eyed the man up and down. "This one, can go on top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdavw8/the_empress_was_stressed/
%
Amputations are really expensive

They cost an arm or a leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdaqqu/amputations_are_really_expensive/
%
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dabhi?

Dubai doesn't like the flintstones but abudabhidoooooooo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdamfk/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dabhi/
%
Did you hear the one about the Chinese godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn't understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdak17/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_chinese_godfather/
%
Why doesn’t santa have any kids?

He only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdafnq/why_doesnt_santa_have_any_kids/
%
Sometimes, I can't believe that the government has legally let me marry hundreds of women.

And all I had to do was get ordained.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bdabb1/sometimes_i_cant_believe_that_the_government_has/
%
How do pickles forgive people?

“It’s not a big dill”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bda7kg/how_do_pickles_forgive_people/
%
I was thinking about getting flame tattoos on my wrists, going up.

Then I realized I could never be a teacher.
No firearms allowed in school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bda7gb/i_was_thinking_about_getting_flame_tattoos_on_my/
%
What's the best score Canadians get on their tests?

Eh's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bda56v/whats_the_best_score_canadians_get_on_their_tests/
%
Did you know that Canada has a real hard water problem?

Most of the time, it’s frozen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bda4lq/did_you_know_that_canada_has_a_real_hard_water/
%
Why are horses always contrarian?

All they say is neigh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bda48b/why_are_horses_always_contrarian/
%
100 years ago everyone owned a horse...

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today, everyone owns a car and only the rich have horses.
How the stables have turned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd9xjf/100_years_ago_everyone_owned_a_horse/
%
Holocaust jokes aren't funny

Anne frankly, they need to stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd9u9m/holocaust_jokes_arent_funny/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd9r6e/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
Which state of misery can be the worst to live in?

Missouri

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd9ppp/which_state_of_misery_can_be_the_worst_to_live_in/
%
Two sperm were swimming trying to find an egg.

The first sperm says, “why is this taking so long, are we almost in the uterus?”
The second sperm says “We still have a way to go, we are only half way down the esophagus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd9p5w/two_sperm_were_swimming_trying_to_find_an_egg/
%
I walked in on my girlfriend masturbating during her period

I guess you can say I caught her red-handed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd9mlo/i_walked_in_on_my_girlfriend_masturbating_during/
%
My ex-girlfriend was so dumb

She thought manual labor was a Mexican migrant worker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd9l54/my_exgirlfriend_was_so_dumb/
%
what temperature is a Tauntaun?

Luke warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd9jbz/what_temperature_is_a_tauntaun/
%
How does a butcher introduce his wife?

Meat Patty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd9bdi/how_does_a_butcher_introduce_his_wife/
%
How do you turn a pussy into a dick?

Give him a badge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd9acl/how_do_you_turn_a_pussy_into_a_dick/
%
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise,  it was an apple, but with very little memory. Just one byte.
Then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd96px/the_oldest_computer_can_be_traced_back_to_adam/
%
My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess

so i got in a Mercedes and drove her into a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd96aj/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_treat_her_like_a/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender looks at him and says "Hey! What's your newt's name?" the guy responds "Tiny." The bartender then asks "why'd you name him Tiny?" The guy answers back "because he's my newt".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd95p8/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I told my girlfriend that she looks like a monkey

And she went bananas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd95az/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_she_looks_like_a_monkey/
%
2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people:

1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd8pgk/2_reasons_i_dont_give_money_to_homeless_people/
%
Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd8lv4/always_marry_an_ugly_woman_a_beautiful_one_will/
%
Marvel joke

Spider man: taskmaster probably set boobytraps for us
Deadpool: (snickers)He said traps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd8k89/marvel_joke/
%
My wife just accused me of having never achieved anything in life because of my addiction to board games.

I think she must have forgotten that time I won second prize in a beauty contest. . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd8fqe/my_wife_just_accused_me_of_having_never_achieved/
%
How did the Japanese solider fail out of military school?

He brought a parachute to class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd8d0l/how_did_the_japanese_solider_fail_out_of_military/
%
Russia passed a new law today

Anyone caught in word play will be severely PUNished

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd87yp/russia_passed_a_new_law_today/
%
It must be rough being the Unabomber.

Having to constantly explain to people, “Look, I made more than ONE bomb.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd85sk/it_must_be_rough_being_the_unabomber/
%
What do you call a Chinese duck?

Duck-ling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd7vbh/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_duck/
%
What do you call someone who is really good at weighing things?

A programmer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd7us8/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_really_good_at/
%
Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?

Because Ken comes in a different box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd7u1n/why_doesnt_barbie_get_pregnant/
%
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore, but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd7okm/my_first_highschool_football_game_was_a_lot_like/
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My dad was an alcoholic

He read a sign that said "Drink Canada Dry!" so he left and hasn't been back since.
(Old joke, I know)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd7lmb/my_dad_was_an_alcoholic/
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A koala bear and a lizard are sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

The koala bear eats a lot of eucalyptus and is a little bit bigger so his tolerance is pretty good. The lizard however is a lightweight and loses his shit very quickly. He says to the koala bear “I’m gonna need a drink of water.” So he walks down the branch and takes a drink out of the river. All of a sudden a big swash of water comes along and carries him out into the river. He’s drowning and struggling to keep above water. Well an alligator sees all this happening and swims out to save him. He picks up the lizard on his nose and carries him back to the river bank. The alligator says “man what the hell were you thinking swimming out there?” The lizard respond “I know I know, but I’m high as hell the koala bear rolled up a huge fattie and here I am.” The alligator says “whoa whoa the koala bear has some weed?” And the lizard says “yeah he’s right up there.” So the alligator walks to the base of the tree and looks up at the koala and says “koala bear what’s up my brotha!” And the koala bear looks down at him and says
“Holy shit how much water did you drink?!?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd7ldm/a_koala_bear_and_a_lizard_are_sitting_in_a_tree/
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Dads are like Boomerangs

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd7kiq/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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Someone broke into Battersea dogs home and released all the dogs last night...

The police are desperately looking for leads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd7k3w/someone_broke_into_battersea_dogs_home_and/
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What do you call a rich vegetarian?

A melon baller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd7ic9/what_do_you_call_a_rich_vegetarian/
%
They say that homosexuality isn’t a choice...

But people choose to become mods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd7azl/they_say_that_homosexuality_isnt_a_choice/
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What is a duck's drug of choice?

Quack cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd7akc/what_is_a_ducks_drug_of_choice/
%
Why don't more guys marry ladies with big vaginas?

A girl like that is hard to come by.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd75tz/why_dont_more_guys_marry_ladies_with_big_vaginas/
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Here are three ways to tell if someone isn't attentive:

1)They don't make eye contact
2)They interrupt
3)They don't learn from mistakes
4)They miss important details

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd739n/here_are_three_ways_to_tell_if_someone_isnt/
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Yesterday I smoked a joint and worked on my savings..

I guess you could say I work in high financing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd71ap/yesterday_i_smoked_a_joint_and_worked_on_my/
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One of the funniest jokes I've ever seen

I really hate those people who knock on your door and say that you must be 'saved' or you'll 'burn'.
Stupid firemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd70qc/one_of_the_funniest_jokes_ive_ever_seen/
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What do the mafia and pussy's have in common?

One slip of the tounge, and you're in deep shit..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd6y0w/what_do_the_mafia_and_pussys_have_in_common/
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What did the Buffalo dad say when dropping off his son at school?

Bye son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd6xep/what_did_the_buffalo_dad_say_when_dropping_off/
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Doctor: Relax, Mark. It's just a small surgery, don't panic.

Patient: But doctor, may name is not Mark.
Doctor: I know. I'm Mark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd6vi7/doctor_relax_mark_its_just_a_small_surgery_dont/
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Allot of girls asked me to go out today...

I was in the womens toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd6tft/allot_of_girls_asked_me_to_go_out_today/
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What did one cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe?

Oh Mitosis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd6t4e/what_did_one_cell_say_to_his_sister_when_she/
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People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU.

What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd6qlz/people_who_are_offended_when_i_breastfeed_in/
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Whats a geologists favourite kind of music?

Rock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd6p7m/whats_a_geologists_favourite_kind_of_music/
%
Titles are hard

Her:"im pregnant"
Him:"Hi pregnant im dad"
Him:"Wait a second..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd6oiy/titles_are_hard/
%
So Tom is at a Ghetto Strip Club

He sees a clearly obese woman dancing on a table, and is amazed. He walk over to her and says "damn those are some really nice legs". "Awe you really think so?" She replied. "Yeah for sure, most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd6dem/so_tom_is_at_a_ghetto_strip_club/
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Police officers of Reddit, what is your best “I think we have the wrong person story?”

Reddit: not a police officer but...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd67zk/police_officers_of_reddit_what_is_your_best_i/
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My Friend died of heartburn last week

I still can't believe Gavisgone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd67qt/my_friend_died_of_heartburn_last_week/
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Most puns make me numb,but...

Math puns make me number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd67lt/most_puns_make_me_numbbut/
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Promotional Offer

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please."
"Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key.
The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 o'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by last night's events, he goes downstairs to settle the bill.
"How was your room sir?" asks the receptionist.
"Excellent, I will come back again. What do I owe you?" asks the man.
"Well... actually, sir, we are doing a promotional offer. Not only do you not have to pay but we give you $10 as a welcome gesture," says the receptionist.
"What?" says the guy, very surprised indeed. "That's amazing." He takes the ten-dollar bill and wanders off, debating whether his buddies will believe him or not. Needless to say, after a few days he's told all his friends and neighbors about room 13 and the amazing night of passion.
The next week one of his buddies goes to check out the room. "Room 13 please."
"Certainly, sir, here's your key."
After he gets in bed, at the same time, 2 o'clock, three girls this time, extremely horny, get in bed and screw his brains out. The next morning, not only does he not have to pay, but he too gets $10.
After a month, everyone knows this hotel and especially room 13. Everyone that stays in room 13 gets the same treatment: a good screw and a ten bucks.
After a few weeks, the story reaches an archbishop. The archbishop decides to check the story out for himself. He visits the hotel and asks for room 13. He gets the keys and goes upstairs. After a couple of drinks he gets in bed waiting patiently for the naked girls to appear. Indeed at about 2 o'clock in the morning two naked ladies come to bed. They are as homy and wild as all the stories the archbishop has heard. The archbishop gets his pecker out and screws the both of them all night long. This is the night of his life.
Next morning he goes to reception and when he asks how much the bill is, the receptionist says, "Nothing to pay, sir. Actually, we are doing an introductory offer. Here's $50 as a welcome gesture."
Curious, the archbishop asks the receptionist, "Well, that's strange. Everyone else who comes here gets $10. Why do I get $50?"
"Well, sir," says the receptionist. "This is the first time we've filmed a porn movie with an archbishop in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd67j6/promotional_offer/
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Black holes are like punchlines

You don't see them coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd63ft/black_holes_are_like_punchlines/
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I love my arctic seabird so much I've decided to buy another one

After all one good tern deserves another

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd62vt/i_love_my_arctic_seabird_so_much_ive_decided_to/
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A concerned citizen reported a hole in the fence at the local nudist colony.

Police are looking in to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd5qei/a_concerned_citizen_reported_a_hole_in_the_fence/
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Hellen Keller fell into a well.

She screamed and screamed until her hands went numb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd5ouh/hellen_keller_fell_into_a_well/
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I accidentally took melanin instead of melatonin, but it's OK.

I still blacked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd5oiz/i_accidentally_took_melanin_instead_of_melatonin/
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What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

Their greatest hit was the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd5m9r/what_do_pink_floyd_and_dale_earnhardt_have_in/
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So a drunk man walks into a bar...

... into a chair, and into a table.
(tough crowd)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd5jli/so_a_drunk_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you know horses have six legs?

They have two legs at the back, and fore legs at the front

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd5i6a/did_you_know_horses_have_six_legs/
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An old woman is

Riding in an elevator in a very lavish building in New York City.  The elevator stops, and the doors open. A young and beautiful woman smelling of expensive perfume gets on. The young woman haughtily sneers at the old woman and says, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren. 150 dollars an ounce!”
The old woman doesn’t say anything. The doors close and the elevator resumes moving.  It eventually stops at another floor and the doors open. Another young and beautiful woman, also smelling of expensive perfume steps into the elevator. The newest passenger looks snootily at the old woman and says,
“Chenel number 5. Two-hundred dollars an ounce!”
Once again, the old woman doesn’t say a word.  The elevator resumes moving. Just a few floors pass by when the elevator has reached the old woman’s destination. The doors open and the old woman starts toward the doors. She stops, looks the two young ladies in the eye from over her shoulder and bends over. She lets loose a loud squelchy firecracker of a fart, grins, and says,
“Broccoli.  49 cents a pound!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd5h1s/an_old_woman_is/
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I wonder why Occam’s Razor is called Occam’s Razor

There’s probably a very simple explanation for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd5fgq/i_wonder_why_occams_razor_is_called_occams_razor/
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What did Tennessee?

The same thing that Arkansas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd5eri/what_did_tennessee/
%
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license

First, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with te letters C Z W I N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd5a0l/a_polish_immigrant_went_to_the_dmv_to_apply_for_a/
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What do you call a modest bee?

A humblebee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd58k8/what_do_you_call_a_modest_bee/
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What's on the underside of a duck?

Its butt quack!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd53qt/whats_on_the_underside_of_a_duck/
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what do you call a cheap circumcision?

a rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd50kw/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
I broke up with my gym

We were just not working out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4ypv/i_broke_up_with_my_gym/
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I'm concerned about my surgeon...

Not only is he quick to anger, be he's known to lose his patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4qr0/im_concerned_about_my_surgeon/
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My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with *two* dead dogs?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4oy1/my_girlfriends_dog_died_so_i_tried_to_cheer_her/
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I just watched the World Heavy Metal Knitting Championship in Finland.

It was pretty knots!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4owb/i_just_watched_the_world_heavy_metal_knitting/
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Why dosent mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everyone that can run,fight and jump are already in the U.S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4op3/why_dosent_mexico_have_an_olympic_team/
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I have dyslexia, but I was a good kid. I just don't understand why I hardly ever got any Christmas presents.

So much for all those letters I wrote to Satan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4o0x/i_have_dyslexia_but_i_was_a_good_kid_i_just_dont/
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Why do dogs float in water?

Because they’re good buoys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4nx1/why_do_dogs_float_in_water/
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A man goes into a bar and orders five whiskeys

The bartender sets them up, and the man guzzles them down.
While he is in the middle of the third one, the  bartender asks,”Whatcha celebrating?”
“My first blowjob.”
“Well, that’s pretty swell! Here, have one on the house!”
“No, if five can’t get the taste out of my mouth then nothing can.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4liq/a_man_goes_into_a_bar_and_orders_five_whiskeys/
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One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4jvn/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
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What did the cannibal get after a one night stand?

Breakfast in bed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4j6x/what_did_the_cannibal_get_after_a_one_night_stand/
%
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4g04/my_elderly_relatives_liked_to_tease_me_at/
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My therapist told me I should write letters to the people that I hate, and burn them. So I did.

But what do I do with the letters?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4fov/my_therapist_told_me_i_should_write_letters_to/
%
Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife set to fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent it.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
**To:** My Loving Wife
**Date:** July 19, 2010
**Subject:** I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
**P. S.** Sure is freaking hot down here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4fi5/wrong_email_address/
%
I cooked a medium rare stake for my friend.

He said, "I like it well done."
I said, "thanks that means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4b5z/i_cooked_a_medium_rare_stake_for_my_friend/
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I once knew a guy who did circumcisions

The money wasn't great, but at least he got to keep the tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4akj/i_once_knew_a_guy_who_did_circumcisions/
%
Why could the nordic olympian not finish the race?

He didn't have permission to cross the Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd4ag2/why_could_the_nordic_olympian_not_finish_the_race/
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What do you call a hybrid between an elephant and a rhinoceros

Elephino

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd46ny/what_do_you_call_a_hybrid_between_an_elephant_and/
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Asked me girlfriend if I was the only one she’d ever been with

She replied “yes, the rest were nines and tens”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd46bu/asked_me_girlfriend_if_i_was_the_only_one_shed/
%
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to one hundred?

Because every time she gets to sixty nine she gets a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd42xd/why_cant_miss_piggy_count_to_one_hundred/
%
Why did Mickey Mouse get hit with a snowball?

Because Donald ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd40ut/why_did_mickey_mouse_get_hit_with_a_snowball/
%
What did the cannibal do when he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd3ple/what_did_the_cannibal_do_when_he_dumped_his/
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Doc, is it true? Do I have schizophrenia?

Jim, who are you talking to?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd3p4i/doc_is_it_true_do_i_have_schizophrenia/
%
What's the Coldest city in Germany?

Brrrrrlin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd3lsp/whats_the_coldest_city_in_germany/
%
Confucius says "man who goes through turnstile sideways..."

"Is going to Bangkok."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd3fky/confucius_says_man_who_goes_through_turnstile/
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Made a cocktail using Barcardi and NyQuil.

Called it a Cardi B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd3f13/made_a_cocktail_using_barcardi_and_nyquil/
%
I had to present a speech about STDs today.

Unfortunately, to get my point across I had to give everyone visual aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd3ep5/i_had_to_present_a_speech_about_stds_today/
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How did the austrailian buy his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd3ec4/how_did_the_austrailian_buy_his_new_chess_set/
%
Meow

Sorry, my cat got my tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd39r0/meow/
%
Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd37i7/your_mom_is_so_fat_she_starts_the_alphabet_with/
%
With great power...

comes great utility bills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd35kl/with_great_power/
%
How much does a bone weigh?

A skele-tonne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd35dj/how_much_does_a_bone_weigh/
%
When you slap Dwane Johnson's ass

You hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd323y/when_you_slap_dwane_johnsons_ass/
%
My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."
So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd30mt/my_husband_once_bought_me_a_dress_two_sizes_too/
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How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2y8j/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Smallpox blankets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2sw7/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
%
I put my root beer in a square cup

Now I just have beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2qjs/i_put_my_root_beer_in_a_square_cup/
%
How many vegans does it take to screw on a lightbulb?

None, Vegans can’t change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2jzn/how_many_vegans_does_it_take_to_screw_on_a/
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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2hnp/a_man_returning_home_a_day_early_from_a_business/
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What did Congress say to George Washington with bad breath after he said: "I need some money"?

You need a mint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2hm9/what_did_congress_say_to_george_washington_with/
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Facebook Goes Down: Everybody loses their minds

Reddit Goes Down: Oh must be tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2g3w/facebook_goes_down_everybody_loses_their_minds/
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A lot of people think Michael Jackson's Pronouns were He/Him, but in reality,

Michael's preferred prounouns were He/He

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2feu/a_lot_of_people_think_michael_jacksons_pronouns/
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My Math teacher went nuts today in Geometry class and started ranting about Japan, Italy, and Germany.

He said we need to know about the ex axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2fd2/my_math_teacher_went_nuts_today_in_geometry_class/
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What do you call a man who sticks his dick in a tree?

A woodpecker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2c01/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_sticks_his_dick_in_a/
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2bg2/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_has_lost_his_car/
%
Why don't robots have any brothers?

Because they only have trans-sisters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2asv/why_dont_robots_have_any_brothers/
%
What does the Chinese cowboy say?

Yeehao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2aeb/what_does_the_chinese_cowboy_say/
%
Today is Palm Sunday!

As far as Easter foreshadowing goes, I think they nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2adf/today_is_palm_sunday/
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What does one saggy boob, say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd2a5w/what_does_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
14 year old stands by the mariana trench

r/im14andthisisdeep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd27ax/14_year_old_stands_by_the_mariana_trench/
%
A weasel walks into a bar

The bartender goes “Wow I’ve never served a Weasel before, what can I get you?”
“Pop.” Goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd26pt/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?

ICU baby, shakin' that ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd269t/doctor_doctor_my_husband_just_got_admitted_to/
%
There are 11 types of people in the world

a) Those that understand Roman Numerals, and
b) Those that don't understand Roman Numerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd249v/there_are_11_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I'd like to masturbate in a cup

I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd23nw/the_sperm_clinic_nurse_asked_me_if_id_like_to/
%
My dog ate my coding homework.

Took him a couple bytes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd1yky/my_dog_ate_my_coding_homework/
%
"Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was 'really silly'?"

"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd1qpo/mickey_it_says_here_that_you_killed_minnie/
%
Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?

Because there is a lot of reposting to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd1pgy/why_do_redditors_get_excited_when_a_tornado_rips/
%
I think I have an issue with handjobs

I can't quite put my finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd1lv7/i_think_i_have_an_issue_with_handjobs/
%
A grasshopper walks into a crowded bar.

He sits down on a stool and orders a glass of beer. The bartender says, “That’s funny. I figured you’d order something different, especially since we’ve got a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper looks at the bartender baffled and says, “You’ve got a drink named Stan?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd1k46/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_crowded_bar/
%
A girl goes to her mother and says...

“Mom, I think I’m pregnant”
The mom says, “I’ve told you so many times, when someone is touching your boobs, say ‘don’t’. If they are touching your vagina, say ‘Stop’.
The girl looks at her mother and says
“Yeah but he was touching both”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd1hnu/a_girl_goes_to_her_mother_and_says/
%
What does a preacher have in common with an HIV patient?

They spread positivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd1hhu/what_does_a_preacher_have_in_common_with_an_hiv/
%
Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd1f9c/why_do_farts_smell/
%
A lady was expecting the plumber. He was scheduled to come at 10 A.M. Ten o’clock came and went with no plumber.

She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”
He replied, “It’s the plumber.”
He thought it was the lady who’d said, “Who is it?” and waited for her to come and let him in.
When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”
He said, “It’s the plumber!” He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in.
He knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”
He said, “It’s the plumber!”
Again he waited and again she didn’t come. He knocked again and the parrot said, “Who is it?”
The plumber screamed, flew into a rage, pushed the door in, and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and fell dead in the doorway. The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway. “A dead body!” she exclaimed. “Who is it?”
The parrot said, “It’s the plumber.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd19qa/a_lady_was_expecting_the_plumber_he_was_scheduled/
%
Why was the T-Rex forced to close shop?

It was seriously short handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd18ww/why_was_the_trex_forced_to_close_shop/
%
What's the difference between a bus and a genie?

One lives in a depot, and one lives in de pot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd17rd/whats_the_difference_between_a_bus_and_a_genie/
%
A young man passes an elderly man crying on a park bench.

The young man stops and asks if everything is okay. The old man looks up with his eyes filled with tears.
“Kid,” the old man says, “I’m ninety years old. Last week I married a woman half my age. She does everything for me—she cooks my meals, washes my clothes, shops for me, and will do anything I ask in the bedroom.”
“Oh,” replies the young man. “Well, that doesn’t sound bad at all. Why are you sitting here crying?”
“Because,” the old man sobs loudly, “I can’t remember where the hell I live!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd17bw/a_young_man_passes_an_elderly_man_crying_on_a/
%
A man goes to the dentist for his six-month exam.

The man tells the dentist, “My teeth are great. I never use mouthwash, rarely brush my teeth, never floss, never use a breath mint, and eat onions and garlic with just about every meal. I also never have bad breath.” The dentist agrees his teeth are decent, but he will need an operation.
“On what?” the man asks.
The dentist responds quickly, “Your nose.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd13i1/a_man_goes_to_the_dentist_for_his_sixmonth_exam/
%
When my girlfriend and I have sex, she always smokes afterwards

I think next time we’ll try it with some lube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd137c/when_my_girlfriend_and_i_have_sex_she_always/
%
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd10hv/a_child_asked_his_father_dad_do_politicians_ever/
%
Strip poker is the only game where the more you lose...

...the more you have to show for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd103y/strip_poker_is_the_only_game_where_the_more_you/
%
Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm...🙃

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd0yan/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
Todd took a week off from the office.

He booked a vacation to go skiing. Before his first trip down the mountain, he heard an unbelievable rumble, and before he could move he was covered in snow. He found shelter in a small cave and was able to start a fire and make himself comfortable until help arrived. After a few hours, there was a digging at the front of the cave.
“Who’s there?” Todd called out from inside the cave.
“Hello!” a voice called. “It’s the Red Cross!”
“Beat it!” Todd yelled back. “I already donated twice this year.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd0xfg/todd_took_a_week_off_from_the_office/
%
What do you call an argument between 2 vegans?

A beef...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd0w9d/what_do_you_call_an_argument_between_2_vegans/
%
In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”
The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”
“Why is that?” asks the professor.
“Well for one thing,” the student answers, “she’s probably dead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd0vpa/in_an_american_history_discussion_group_a/
%
Booty

Woman goes to a plastic surgeon and says I want a J-Lo booty, after many hours of surgery she takes the bandages off and looks in the mirror only to see a jiggly, green booty............

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd0usy/booty/
%
What are the ingredients for the homemade Bill Clinton stew?

One wiener, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans, and tons of hot water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd0tfx/what_are_the_ingredients_for_the_homemade_bill/
%
A priest is driving home from the bar on St. Patrick’s Day.

He mistakenly takes an empty bottle of wine with him and tosses it onto the floor on the passenger side of the car. He’s pulled over by a cop, who smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and spots the empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. The cop asks the priest, “Father, have you been drinking tonight?”
“No sir, nothing but water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest thinks for a moment and exclaims, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd0sxo/a_priest_is_driving_home_from_the_bar_on_st/
%
Why do topology students get caught trespassing so often?

They can't seem to understand the difference between open and closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd0g5o/why_do_topology_students_get_caught_trespassing/
%
I once put ketchup in my eyes

In Heinz-sight it was a bad idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd0fa0/i_once_put_ketchup_in_my_eyes/
%
The vet seemed to have no idea why my two pet birds were stuck together.

He said it was toucan fusing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd0eid/the_vet_seemed_to_have_no_idea_why_my_two_pet/
%
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.

Just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd0c9z/stephen_hawking_walks_into_a_bar/
%
When is it ok to beat up a dwarf?

When he’s standing next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd06i1/when_is_it_ok_to_beat_up_a_dwarf/
%
Why does T-Rex get to play only when his teammate is in penalty box?

He only scores short-handed goals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd052i/why_does_trex_get_to_play_only_when_his_teammate/
%
Why did the old man fall down the well?

He couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bd00vn/why_did_the_old_man_fall_down_the_well/
%
What’s the most mixed feelings you can have?

Seeing your mother in law driving down a cliff in your brand new car!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bczw9o/whats_the_most_mixed_feelings_you_can_have/
%
If an Alabama couple divorces...

... Are they still brother and sister?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bczubu/if_an_alabama_couple_divorces/
%
Why did the old man fall down the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bczqx1/why_did_the_old_man_fall_down_the_well/
%
Jhonny always dreams of chimps playing football,

Thinking it could be a disorder he pays his doc a visit.
Doc: Well, you have dreaming disorder. Take this pill, before going to bed and you will recover soon.
Jhonny: when shall I start takin the pill
Doc: tonight. Sooner the better.
Jhonny: I'm afraid I can't take it today, I'm gonna have to start it from tomorrow.
Doc: why?
Jhonny: today is the final. I gotta know which team of the chimps wins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bczoyr/jhonny_always_dreams_of_chimps_playing_football/
%
A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bczmri/a_truck_load_of_tylenol_spills_onto_a_bakers/
%
It was hard, but I worked several jobs and finally managed to put myself through clown college...

I never thought I would have to  juggle so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bczk42/it_was_hard_but_i_worked_several_jobs_and_finally/
%
Birthdays are great

But too many of them will kill you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bczhne/birthdays_are_great/
%
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcze4n/his_wife_suggested_that_he_should_see_a_sex/
%
You guys know that feeling when you are thinking about someone and they just show up out of nowhere?

Well anyways my dad caught me masturbating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bczdiv/you_guys_know_that_feeling_when_you_are_thinking/
%
(NSFW) Tax time

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "Whats your occupation?"
"I'm a lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Lets try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "Ok, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bczde0/nsfw_tax_time/
%
When does a joke becomes a « dad joke »?

When it becomes apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcz8d7/when_does_a_joke_becomes_a_dad_joke/
%
Why is an anti-vaxer’s kid crying?

Mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcz5u2/why_is_an_antivaxers_kid_crying/
%
I was so ugly as a baby

That when my mother breastfed me, she used to close her eyes and think of other babies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcz1xf/i_was_so_ugly_as_a_baby/
%
What's a pirate's favorite antivirus?

# Avast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcyzbn/whats_a_pirates_favorite_antivirus/
%
A beer brand made my friend a lot smarter

In other words, it made my bud wiser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcyz0a/a_beer_brand_made_my_friend_a_lot_smarter/
%
Having a friend is like peeing in your pants

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcyxdw/having_a_friend_is_like_peeing_in_your_pants/
%
After my wife's pregnancy, I had pulled my doctor aside and asked shyly, "When will we be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "My shift ends at 6, meet-up at the parking lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcyv1s/after_my_wifes_pregnancy_i_had_pulled_my_doctor/
%
Wow, I just got caught masturbating and it actually led to sex...

You could say things got out of hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcyukz/wow_i_just_got_caught_masturbating_and_it/
%
Last year I joined a group for anti-social people

We haven’t met yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcyoqe/last_year_i_joined_a_group_for_antisocial_people/
%
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcymyj/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Do you eat monkeys?

Because I want to put Macauqe in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcyjry/do_you_eat_monkeys/
%
Farts are like kids...

You love your own, but hate everyone else’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcyhug/farts_are_like_kids/
%
A Billionaire's Proposition

A billionaire asked a woman, "Would you sleep with me for half my money?"
The woman said, "Yes I would."
To which he said, "How about for $25?"
She angrily responded with, "Hell no! What kind of woman do you think I am?!"
He looked her dead in the eye and stated, "We already determined that, now we are negotiating on price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcyhd0/a_billionaires_proposition/
%
Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcyg2p/does_having_a_penis_sticking_out_of_your_forehead/
%
Did you hear about the guy who had a penis coming out of the middle of his face?

He couldn’t stop blowing his nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcyf0b/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_had_a_penis_coming/
%
The first rule of Parent Club:

Don’t talk about activities in front of kids, unless fully prepared to engage in said activities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcychh/the_first_rule_of_parent_club/
%
Where do feminists go on vacation?

No Man's Land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcy8ep/where_do_feminists_go_on_vacation/
%
Why are there so many gays in the sewer?

They love entering a manhole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcy64d/why_are_there_so_many_gays_in_the_sewer/
%
What do you do when you're facing a Rhino with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the Hippo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcy5be/what_do_you_do_when_youre_facing_a_rhino_with_3/
%
What did the peanut that was allergic to it self say?

Cashew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcy4xv/what_did_the_peanut_that_was_allergic_to_it_self/
%
How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcy1j6/how_warm_is_a_baby_at_birth/
%
Prostitute taxes...

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no. That will never work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that still won't get by. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "Let's say I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 1,000 cocks last year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxydv/prostitute_taxes/
%
What type of eggs do Canadians eat?

Grade eh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxxmb/what_type_of_eggs_do_canadians_eat/
%
Did you hear about the cow that went to the tannery just because the other cows told him to?

At least he looked good; he was easily suede.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxw99/did_you_hear_about_the_cow_that_went_to_the/
%
A husband said to his wife, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

His wife replied, "Well, you have the biggest penis out of all of your friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxvpw/a_husband_said_to_his_wife_honey_i_bet_you_cant/
%
My friend went bald years ago, he still carries a comb with him.

He just couldn't part with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxupc/my_friend_went_bald_years_ago_he_still_carries_a/
%
Never put off till tomorrow,

what you can do the day after tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxufv/never_put_off_till_tomorrow/
%
Professor welcomes the class in Anatomy lab on the first day of medical school.

He begins by saying - You need 2 rules to become a successful doctor.
No 1 - you cannot feel disgusted by anything.
After saying that, he stuck his finger into the cadaver's butt hole.
Students look at him in a shocked manner, but eventually they give in and remembering his rule no 1, stick thier fingers in the cadaver's butt hole one by one.
Then the professor proceeds to lick his finger in front of the class.
The students immediately start puking, gagging and hurling, but look at the professor and not wanting to offend him on the first day, proceed to lick thier fingers, all the while barfing thier guts out, hurling and cussing the day they decided to go to medical school.
After the last student was done, the professor calmly walked in front of the class and said out loud.
Rule no 2 - you need to observe and pay attention. I inserted my middle finger in the butt hole but licked my ring finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxqd3/professor_welcomes_the_class_in_anatomy_lab_on/
%
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxpca/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxmwb/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Question in a medical board exam - Fill the blank - "When a young female faints, you immediately feel her p - - s - "

Those who answered PULSE are successful doctors today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxmr2/question_in_a_medical_board_exam_fill_the_blank/
%
A topless woman robbed a bank.

No one remembers her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxm2o/a_topless_woman_robbed_a_bank/
%
Why is it not worth it to hunt for mushrooms?

It’s too much truffle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxhrc/why_is_it_not_worth_it_to_hunt_for_mushrooms/
%
How to make holy water?

Just boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxhhj/how_to_make_holy_water/
%
Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxdqj/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
%
I should start making friends with beavers

They always seem to give a dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxc5z/i_should_start_making_friends_with_beavers/
%
I became an anti-vaxxer after my doctor’s nurse insulted me.

Right before poking me with the needle, she said: “Get ready... little prick!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxaha/i_became_an_antivaxxer_after_my_doctors_nurse/
%
A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the stomach

Miraculously, her and all 3 babies survived. She had 2 girls and 1 boy.
Years later one of the girls runs up to her mother in shock. "Mom mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"
Shocked, the woman explains the story of what happened while she was pregnant.
The next day, the other girl runs up. "Mom mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"
So the woman explains again what happened.
The next day the boy runs up. "Mom mom! I.."
The mother says "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
Still shocked the boy says " No! I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcxabc/a_woman_pregnant_with_triplets_gets_shot_3_times/
%
Why can't Lesbians ever rule a country effectively?

.
.
.
Because they'll never have a mandate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcx95r/why_cant_lesbians_ever_rule_a_country_effectively/
%
Who came first? The chicken or the egg?

I did, but it was harder to screw the egg than the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcx7ls/who_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
What is mRNA's favorite dip?

GUAC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcx6tt/what_is_mrnas_favorite_dip/
%
Nobody has written a novel about writing a novel.

It's a novel, novel novel idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcx5a6/nobody_has_written_a_novel_about_writing_a_novel/
%
A bear walks into a bar and says he wants a whiskey and .................... a coke. The bartender says no problem but what’s with the big pause?

The bear says I don’t know I was born this way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcx06z/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_he_wants_a/
%
I was lining up a camera shot in Asia

"Japan?"
No, it was a still shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcwzye/i_was_lining_up_a_camera_shot_in_asia/
%
Friends are like snowflakes:

When you pee on them, they disappear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcwyui/friends_are_like_snowflakes/
%
My sister is openly vegan

But she says that she loves her boyfriend's meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcwr8g/my_sister_is_openly_vegan/
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What did the dyslexic satanist say?

Hail Santa!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcwp05/what_did_the_dyslexic_satanist_say/
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The Persian Rug

An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Flustered, she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"
"Ma'am," he answers, "If you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcwntn/the_persian_rug/
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Why is it impossible to co-own a shoe making business?

Because then you wouldn't be the sole proprietor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcwjra/why_is_it_impossible_to_coown_a_shoe_making/
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Spanglish joke (OC by my daughter)

What did the road say to the other road?  Why you so high wey?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcwjlp/spanglish_joke_oc_by_my_daughter/
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Recent study shows sleeping is bad for you

Stay woke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcwjha/recent_study_shows_sleeping_is_bad_for_you/
%
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who were determined to have a Caucasian baby?

Obviously they couldn't because two Wongs don't make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcw7k3/did_you_hear_about_the_chinese_couple_who_were/
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What do you call someone with a blue dick?

.
.
.
.
.
A tight-fisted wanker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcvzit/what_do_you_call_someone_with_a_blue_dick/
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Somewhere in the world there us a lady giving birth every 1.5 seconds.

We've got to find this lady and stop her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcvyho/somewhere_in_the_world_there_us_a_lady_giving/
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I don't have a problem with kids being obsessed with fortnite. After all, they must have great hygiene...

Considering how much they floss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcvx40/i_dont_have_a_problem_with_kids_being_obsessed/
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I told my date that a guy like me is hard to find.

She didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcvunm/i_told_my_date_that_a_guy_like_me_is_hard_to_find/
%
How did the golfer die?

He had too many strokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcvu7y/how_did_the_golfer_die/
%
Why don’t alcoholics become lawyers?

They can’t pass a bar.
(Credit to my Grandma’s friend)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcvtv1/why_dont_alcoholics_become_lawyers/
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I took my first course in 'How to be a sketch artist' only yesterday

And I'm already drawing large crowds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcvpu4/i_took_my_first_course_in_how_to_be_a_sketch/
%
I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcvkzn/ive_been_reading_a_book_about_the_shape_of_the/
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I just downloaded the new Bohemian Rhapsody film...

...but I think it’s a pirate copy filmed in a cinema, because I can see a little silhouetto of a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcvkji/i_just_downloaded_the_new_bohemian_rhapsody_film/
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A highly suspicious couple are trying to have a baby

When the woman finally falls pregnant, they visit the doctor for some check ups. While there, the man asks the doctor how he can be sure that he’s the father.
“We can do a DNA test.” The doctor replies.
“And how do I know I’m the mother?” The pregnant woman asks.
“We can do an IQ test for that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcvhkc/a_highly_suspicious_couple_are_trying_to_have_a/
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Some people don’t know why the black hole picture is such a big deal...

Honestly, they just don’t get the gravity of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcvciq/some_people_dont_know_why_the_black_hole_picture/
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Me and wifey decided to get a bit kinky so we thought we would try and find out how many grapes i could stuff up her arse. I managed to get to 53 and had to stop

Not because of pain or anything, she just let out a little wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcva41/me_and_wifey_decided_to_get_a_bit_kinky_so_we/
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[NSFW] Since my girlfriend and I broke up, I have a new perspective on masturbation.

It really comes in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcv6qr/nsfw_since_my_girlfriend_and_i_broke_up_i_have_a/
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What do you call an Italian dumpling that keeps lying?

Pi-gnocchi-o

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcv63z/what_do_you_call_an_italian_dumpling_that_keeps/
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I hate guys who don't respect women

They're more than just a vagina, they're all of your household appliances in one handy package as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcunlq/i_hate_guys_who_dont_respect_women/
%
Why are there fences around cemeteries?

People are just dying to get in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcuk0p/why_are_there_fences_around_cemeteries/
%
Why are gender equality officers always female?

Because they're cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcujta/why_are_gender_equality_officers_always_female/
%
They say women like tall men.

Well I'm at least 6'4" in these stilettos and not one woman has approached me yet in this bar yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcuilo/they_say_women_like_tall_men/
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Black list joke

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.   The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.   She dresses quickly and goes to find him.   The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"   The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."  "Youre wasting your time," said the boy.  "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.  "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcuexi/black_list_joke/
%
A man pulls up to a gas station with two penguins in the back seat.

The gas station employee asks him what he's doing with them in his car.
"I'm taking them to the zoo" the man replies.
"Yeah that sounds like a good idea" says the employee.
The next day the man pulls up again with the penguins still in his back seat.
"I thought you were taking them to the zoo." the employee says.
"I did!" says the man, "Today I'm taking them to see a movie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcue97/a_man_pulls_up_to_a_gas_station_with_two_penguins/
%
A woman made a 20¢ copy at my library and paid with a quarter, but told me to keep the change.

"Nobody wants nickel back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcub14/a_woman_made_a_20_copy_at_my_library_and_paid/
%
Put a load in the dishwasher earlier

My wife prefers to call it intercourse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcu1nw/put_a_load_in_the_dishwasher_earlier/
%
What do you call the snack that reveals all the intel of the contents in your lunchbox?

Julian a sandwich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcu0j9/what_do_you_call_the_snack_that_reveals_all_the/
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An elderly woman wins the lottery

Edith, 95 years old, a holocaust servivor, one day scoops big on a $250m jackpot.
She is asked on to her local radio station for an interview. She brings along her best friend Betty who was with her in a concentration camp.
When asked by the host what she is going to do with her winnings. Edith says:
"Well I'm going to treat me and Betty to a lovely cruise, I'm going to leave most to my loving family. Oh and of course a large donation will be made to the German National Socialist Party."
The host and Betty are both stunned. After a brief silence, Betty scorns her friend:
"Edith, how could you? Do you not remember the camps?"
"Of course I do." she points to her wrist "But without them I would have never got the winning numbers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcu0gj/an_elderly_woman_wins_the_lottery/
%
Nothing beats a woman with a beautiful singing voice...

Except Chris Brown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcttqj/nothing_beats_a_woman_with_a_beautiful_singing/
%
How many therapists do you need to change a lightbulb?

Zero. You have to let it change itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcttq5/how_many_therapists_do_you_need_to_change_a/
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How many nostalgists do you need to change a lightbulb?

3. One to hold the ladder, one to change the bulb, and one to sit and think how much better was it with the previous lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bctr4t/how_many_nostalgists_do_you_need_to_change_a/
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You can go your whole life without eating

I mean, you would die of starvation, but you technically would’ve gone your whole life without eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bctp0n/you_can_go_your_whole_life_without_eating/
%
My bartender got extremely offended when I ordered a daiquiri and added "no homo"

Next time I'll just ask him to hold the fruit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bctmub/my_bartender_got_extremely_offended_when_i/
%
My wife called me seductively and asked me if I can be naked when she gets home from work.

Now I’m sitting on the couch with my father-in-law like a moron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bctmso/my_wife_called_me_seductively_and_asked_me_if_i/
%
I went to Walmart today

, and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bctm62/i_went_to_walmart_today/
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What did Darth Vader say when he saw his old droid choosing Luke over him?

"E tu, D2?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bctkpa/what_did_darth_vader_say_when_he_saw_his_old/
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Which is worse ignorance or apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bctjtb/which_is_worse_ignorance_or_apathy/
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A Jehovah's Witness starts a knock knock joke...

...but no one ever answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bctgy9/a_jehovahs_witness_starts_a_knock_knock_joke/
%
Magic Trick

A naked magician steps on the stage and says:
"Now, i will let a crocodile bite my genitals, and i wont take any harm!"
The crocodile comes in, the magician does a slight split, and the crocodile bites him right between the legs.
The magician punches the animal hard on his head, it opens its mouth, and the magician hasn't taken any harm.
"Now i need a brave voluntary who does the same, and this person will receive 5000$!", the magician says.
As no one volunteered, He raises the price to 10000$ but still no volunteers.
A blonde girl stands up and says: "I will do it for 15000$, but please dont punch me THAT hard on the head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bctgu6/magic_trick/
%
I heard KFC is sponsoring the cock fighting little league.

Can’t wait to see those chick contenders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bct9yo/i_heard_kfc_is_sponsoring_the_cock_fighting/
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Uncle Ben probably wouldn't have discouraged Peter from joining the Avengers

But his Aunt May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bct2x5/uncle_ben_probably_wouldnt_have_discouraged_peter/
%
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?

They both require chickpea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bct1eq/what_do_a_pregnancy_test_and_hummus_have_in_common/
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My grandpa died peacefully in his sleep

Unlike the passengers in his taxi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bct0m0/my_grandpa_died_peacefully_in_his_sleep/
%
I smashed up my keyboard and couldnt find the last key

I lost Ctrl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcstd9/i_smashed_up_my_keyboard_and_couldnt_find_the/
%
Hey guys I've been talking to this girl for a while, and I was hoping you guys could give me some advice to move out of the friendzone.

Because she's fucking crazy and I need to get away from this bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcst5v/hey_guys_ive_been_talking_to_this_girl_for_a/
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Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination.  None of our answers could be correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcsq0u/interviewer_are_you_smart_bob_im_not_smart_but_i/
%
What's the difference between a hunter and a constipated owl?

One shoots and tries to hit, the other hoots and tries to shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcspfq/whats_the_difference_between_a_hunter_and_a/
%
Tall and strong women inspires me.

I can always look up to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcsljr/tall_and_strong_women_inspires_me/
%
Vegans are really great people.

Apparently, nobody likes to have a beef with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcsja5/vegans_are_really_great_people/
%
My daughter got in a fight with some girl who called her a whale.

“Come on love,” I said, “You’re bigger than that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcsfg3/my_daughter_got_in_a_fight_with_some_girl_who/
%
Jesus walks into a Roman Bar

Let's just say he got hammered...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcsd32/jesus_walks_into_a_roman_bar/
%
What do you get when you pahk ya cah in Havahd yahd?

Towed.  Ya can't pahk theah, pal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcscs0/what_do_you_get_when_you_pahk_ya_cah_in_havahd/
%
Indians know the weather

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side,he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again."Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcsc9n/indians_know_the_weather/
%
How do you make a woman scream after an orgasm?

Wipe your dick on the curtains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcs92o/how_do_you_make_a_woman_scream_after_an_orgasm/
%
Best Toast of the Night

John hoisted his beer mug and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She asked "what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies at the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Yes he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come...!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcs8z3/best_toast_of_the_night/
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Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb

When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh  Rocher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcs7gg/archaeologists_recently_discovered_a_tomb/
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Why is the frog’s love life struggling?

He‘s afraid of kermittment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcs70h/why_is_the_frogs_love_life_struggling/
%
Oral sex using telekinesis

Mind blowing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcs62e/oral_sex_using_telekinesis/
%
What do you call an elephant who doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcrzu5/what_do_you_call_an_elephant_who_doesnt_matter/
%
I have two main reasons not to trust people.

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcrxqj/i_have_two_main_reasons_not_to_trust_people/
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Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcrr6x/everyday_i_tell_the_wife_im_gonna_do_a_few_miles/
%
What is a neckbeard's favorite color?

M'agenta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcrma8/what_is_a_neckbeards_favorite_color/
%
Did you hear about the hooker who had an appendectomy?

The doctor sewed up the wrong hole so now she’s making money on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcrlgq/did_you_hear_about_the_hooker_who_had_an/
%
What did communist use to light their houses before candles?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcrh06/what_did_communist_use_to_light_their_houses/
%
So Cerberus, the three-headed gatekeeper of hell...

Are we sure he wasn't just a normal dog with two subwoofers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcreol/so_cerberus_the_threeheaded_gatekeeper_of_hell/
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Paedophiles should be allowed to live near schools...

It reduces their carbon footprint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcrc07/paedophiles_should_be_allowed_to_live_near_schools/
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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcraol/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
%
I’ve never had sex with a necrophiliac

I’ve been dying to try it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcrabt/ive_never_had_sex_with_a_necrophiliac/
%
Two Blondes Going To Disneyland

Two blondes are on their way to Disneyland as they pass a sign that states: “Disneyland Left”
So they started crying and went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcr8ob/two_blondes_going_to_disneyland/
%
the numbers on the front of my house keep falling off...

Its definitely a problem that needs to be addressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcr8j8/the_numbers_on_the_front_of_my_house_keep_falling/
%
Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?

ICU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcr0hg/where_is_the_worst_place_to_hide_in_a_hospital/
%
Bad dog!

A guy tells his wife he has to work late, and takes his secretary to a hotel room for some wild sex. On his way home, he notices a huge hickey on his neck and begins to panic. What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he is greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he drops to the floor and pretends to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he goes into the living room and says, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
His wife stands up, rips open her blouse and says, "That\`s nothing. Look what he did to my tits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqzd5/bad_dog/
%
Did you know that a cyclops’ favorite winter activity is sking?

It’s like skiing, but with one “eye”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqxt4/did_you_know_that_a_cyclops_favorite_winter/
%
Vin Diesel lives his life 1/4 Mile at a time, I live mine 1/4 Tank at a time.

Help me I’m barely making ends meet here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqu9w/vin_diesel_lives_his_life_14_mile_at_a_time_i/
%
I'm not sure about my gender identity, but I think I'd like to be tucked under and stitched.

So, I guess I identify as a hem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqsmg/im_not_sure_about_my_gender_identity_but_i_think/
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A man took his wife to a graveyard for their vacation,

The wife says “I wanted to go to an island! Who takes someone to the graveyard for a vacation”
The husband responds, “People die to come here, but here you are complaining”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqrsd/a_man_took_his_wife_to_a_graveyard_for_their/
%
According to Einstein's Theory of General Relativity...

Everyone is attracted to you. At least a little bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqq23/according_to_einsteins_theory_of_general/
%
I've just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.

It's a step-by-step guide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqncq/ive_just_written_a_book_on_how_to_fall_down_a/
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My son yells out potty jokes in class

We’re afraid he has toilettes’ syndrome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqm3p/my_son_yells_out_potty_jokes_in_class/
%
I got fired from my job at a sex shop today.

I kept telling the customers to go fuck themselves!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqit8/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_a_sex_shop_today/
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What do you charge a baby with when they refuse to take a nap?

Resisting arrest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqhha/what_do_you_charge_a_baby_with_when_they_refuse/
%
What do you call a fat psychic

A Four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqeqv/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqc79/if_a_is_for_apple_and_b_is_for_banana_what_is_c/
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My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaurant when suddenly I get a text from Joe. Apparently he has tripped over and he has got a stick or stone through his eye. I rush home to see Joe sat on the sofa covering his eye with a blood soaked hand. My girlfriend gives Joe some of her cotton makeup pads and he holds it over his eye whilst I look for some bandages in the bathroom. I come out of the bathroom, and both are gone...and now I'm wondering. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from Cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqc1p/my_friend/
%
What do a pizza boy and a gyneocologist have in common?

They both smell it but they can’t eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqbv0/what_do_a_pizza_boy_and_a_gyneocologist_have_in/
%
Two Scottish farmers are standing near a fence

One of them says "ya know, the first fence post is supposed to be the funniest." "I hadn't heard that," said the other. So they both went to the first post and leaned in expectantly. After hearing nothing for five minutes, the second farmer said "well that wasn't very funny." The first farmer says "aye, it's a shit post."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqboo/two_scottish_farmers_are_standing_near_a_fence/
%
I was surprised to find that "Trailer Park Barbie" doesn't come with bruising on her body

Then I realized battery not included

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcqb4l/i_was_surprised_to_find_that_trailer_park_barbie/
%
What’s the difference between necrophilia and old people fetish?

A couple of weeks.
(Source: h3h3 comments)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcq97h/whats_the_difference_between_necrophilia_and_old/
%
I used to date a girl who was cross-eyed.

I had to break up with her because she was seeing someone else the entire time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcq88y/i_used_to_date_a_girl_who_was_crosseyed/
%
Why wasn’t Jesus born in West Virginia?

They couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcq5dy/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_west_virginia/
%
They finally released the first picture of the black hole the other day.

I found the story really sucks you in and helps you grasp the gravity of the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcq4rq/they_finally_released_the_first_picture_of_the/
%
Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcq4gh/current_times_are_scary_we_must_rise_up_against/
%
In the year 2020 we will have alot of puns about vision

but at least we saw it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcq3ut/in_the_year_2020_we_will_have_alot_of_puns_about/
%
I was shopping at Total Wine...

when a salesclerk approached me and asked, "Do you need help?"
I said, "Yes, but I'm here to buy scotch instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcq02s/i_was_shopping_at_total_wine/
%
Einstein said that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.

However it is possible that you may hear the sound of BMW's horn before the light turns green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcq005/einstein_said_that_the_speed_of_light_is_faster/
%
All Mexicans are yes men

Si what I mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcpy2k/all_mexicans_are_yes_men/
%
A woman went to a fruit store and bought an apple.

The store owner: "Do you want that sliced in 4 or 8?"
The woman: "4, I'm on a diet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcpuq9/a_woman_went_to_a_fruit_store_and_bought_an_apple/
%
What do you call a saw that cuts hotdogs

Sawsage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcpuah/what_do_you_call_a_saw_that_cuts_hotdogs/
%
How do you titilate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tits a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcpoxp/how_do_you_titilate_an_ocelot/
%
A lawyer dies and goes to the end of a long line at the Pearly Gates.

To his surprise, St. Peter leaves his desk, walks over and greets him warmly. An angel takes the lawyer by the hand, guides him to the front of the line and settles him into a comfortable chair.
The lawyer says, "I appreciate all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replies, "Well, we've added up all the hours that you billed your clients, and by my calculation, you must be about 193 years old!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcpmn0/a_lawyer_dies_and_goes_to_the_end_of_a_long_line/
%
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Only a fraction of people will get this joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcpldn/theres_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
%
How does a tree access the internet?

It logs in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcpknu/how_does_a_tree_access_the_internet/
%
Yesterday my teacher asked me what comes after 69

Apparently mouthwash isnt the answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcpknt/yesterday_my_teacher_asked_me_what_comes_after_69/
%
Why did EA cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcpjq4/why_did_ea_cross_the_road/
%
What’s the difference between a Hooker and Jesus

The look on their face when you’re nailing them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcpfg4/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_jesus/
%
I still remember the day I realised my girlfriend was a keeper!

She had massive gloves on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcpf0e/i_still_remember_the_day_i_realised_my_girlfriend/
%
“My grandmother has Alzheimer’s,” a teen tells his friend as they walked past her sitting in the living room.

“That sucks,” the friend says.
“Yeah, but it’s got some upside,” the teen replies. “Like when I get twenty dollars for my birthday every week.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcpe1x/my_grandmother_has_alzheimers_a_teen_tells_his/
%
A worried father calls the family doctor because he thinks his teen son has caught a venereal disease.

“I think he got it from the maid,” says the concerned dad, “and I’ve also been sleeping with the maid.”
“Okay,” the doctor replies calmly. “Well, when you bring him into the office we’ll take a look at you as well.”
“And that’s not all,” the father continues. “I think I might have given it to his mother.”
“Oh no!” cries the doctor. “Well, now we might all have it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcp97a/a_worried_father_calls_the_family_doctor_because/
%
Psychiatrist

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but cling film.
"Well" says the psychiatrist
"I can clearly see your nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcp8hd/psychiatrist/
%
Tom and Clark are standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break when Clark says,

“Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?”
“Get outta here,” says Tom.
“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the building, and sure enough, he is taken in by the draft to the third-floor window. He takes the elevator back to the top and Tom is standing there in awe.
“I can’t believe it,” says Tom.
“I know. You should try it.”
So Tom hops off and plunges into the ground.
A doorman working below sees Tom splat to the ground and screams back up, “Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcp754/tom_and_clark_are_standing_on_the_roof_of_their/
%
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcp5fp/my_ex_girlfriend_used_to_have_sex_with_fruit/
%
A golfer is having a horrible day on the course.

After another shot into the woods, he says aloud, “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
His caddy puts the club back into his bag and says, “Try just heaven, because you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcp569/a_golfer_is_having_a_horrible_day_on_the_course/
%
A woman is reading the newspaper while her husband is watching television next to her on the couch.

Suddenly, she bursts out laughing.
“Listen to this story,” she says. “A man put out a classified ad and he’s offering to swap his wife for season tickets to the Red Sox.”
“Wow,” her husband says, not looking away from the television.
She begins to tease him and asks, “Would you swap me for season tickets?”
“Absolutely not,” he answers without giving it a second thought.
“How sweet,” she says, hugging him close.
“I mean,” he continues, “the season is almost half over now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcp47n/a_woman_is_reading_the_newspaper_while_her/
%
A man opened his fridge and swore he heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song.

After closer inspection, he realized it was just chives talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcp3ck/a_man_opened_his_fridge_and_swore_he_heard_two/
%
A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.
“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee.
“Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcp32f/a_woman_is_amazed_by_pastor_who_lives_next_door/
%
What did one geologist say to the other while they both stared down at a giant fissure in the rocks?

“I wonder whose fault this is.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcp2vu/what_did_one_geologist_say_to_the_other_while/
%
A man shows up for work with his arm in a cast.

“What happened to you?” his assistant asks.
“I broke my arm in two places yesterday.”
“Man, that sucks,” says his assistant. “It would probably be a good idea to avoid those two places from now on.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcp1ig/a_man_shows_up_for_work_with_his_arm_in_a_cast/
%
A couple are Christmas shopping.

The shopping center is packed, and as the wife walks through one of the stores, she is surprised when she looks around to find that her husband is nowhere to be seen. She is quite upset because they had a lot to do. She becomes so worried that she calls him to ask where he is. In a quiet voice he says, “Do you remember the jeweler’s we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”
The wife gets choked up and starts to cry and says, “Yes, I do remember that shop.”
He replies, “Well, I’m in the pub next door.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcoxbt/a_couple_are_christmas_shopping/
%
A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.
“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcowip/a_man_hands_his_girlfriend_a_small_package_on/
%
“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space.”

Terrible joke. Only three stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcoue1/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
%
Grandma and Grandpa are trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, has died.

“You know,” Grandma said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.” Susie stops crying and asks, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcou2t/grandma_and_grandpa_are_trying_to_console_susie/
%
poor dog...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"Can you have a look at him," he says, "I think he's cross-eyed".
So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet...
"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"
"No," says the vet, "because he's heavy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcotj0/poor_dog/
%
This is a thoughtful reminder that everyone around you is going through something, some type of struggle...

And you should find out what it is and use it against them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcostn/this_is_a_thoughtful_reminder_that_everyone/
%
Did you hear that Michael Jackson’s had a sex change?

He identifies as he/he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcos6q/did_you_hear_that_michael_jacksons_had_a_sex/
%
Wanna hear a joke about paper towels?

Never mind, it's tearable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcos0q/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_paper_towels/
%
A church pastor is invited to dinner at the house of a parishioner.

The pastor sits at the table with the family. The mom requests her daughter, age six, say grace before the meal. She sits in silence. “It’s okay, dear,” the mother calms her. “You can do it. Just repeat what you heard daddy say before breakfast this morning.”
The little girl folds her hands, bows her head, and says in a loud voice, “Oh Christ, why did you invite the pastor over for dinner tonight?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcorwr/a_church_pastor_is_invited_to_dinner_at_the_house/
%
A teacher walks over to the desk of a student during an exam and says to him,

“I hope I didn’t just see you looking over at your neighbor’s answers.”
The boy replies, “Yeah, I hope you didn’t see it either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcoql8/a_teacher_walks_over_to_the_desk_of_a_student/
%
whats black white and red all over?

a badger in a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bco977/whats_black_white_and_red_all_over/
%
Man this rorschach guy is really creepy

He keeps drawing pictures of my parents arguing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bco2uj/man_this_rorschach_guy_is_really_creepy/
%
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Sheet..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcnp1a/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
%
Why don’t pirates like writing in cursive?

Because it’s scurvy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcnnj3/why_dont_pirates_like_writing_in_cursive/
%
Two clowns eating a cannibal...

One looks at the other and says, "What the fuck are we doing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcn6tr/two_clowns_eating_a_cannibal/
%
A texan went to chicago to a woman

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Wide, ma'am?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcmztx/a_texan_went_to_chicago_to_a_woman/
%
A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous.

While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves.
The patient says no.
The doctor says,   "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs.
The doctor says, "What's so funny?"
She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcmlig/a_gynecologist_notices_that_a_new_patient_is/
%
An atheist’s near death experience:

God: Welcome my son!
Atheist: God?
God: Yes; you’ve had an accident do not worry. You will wake up soon enough.
Atheist: So before I do I’ve got to ask... did Noah really build an arc for all the animals in the world?
God: Yes, but you’ve got to realize that there were a LOT less animals back them.
Atheist: Ok, and did you really create the world in 7 days?
God: Yes, but again you’ve got to realize that a million years for you is only a second for me.
Atheist: I think I get it now, so a billion dollars is like a penny to you.
God: Yes...
Atheist: Awesome, then can I have a billion dollars?
God: Sure! Just give me a second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcmjk9/an_atheists_near_death_experience/
%
Yo mama's so fat

That a growing group of people actually believe she is flat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcmfx7/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
How many teeth does a hockey player have?

Don’t you mean tooth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcmcvz/how_many_teeth_does_a_hockey_player_have/
%
I just got fired from my job at the bakery

Which is upsetting because I really kneaded the dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcmbb6/i_just_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_bakery/
%
What animal has two gray legs and two brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcmb0b/what_animal_has_two_gray_legs_and_two_brown_legs/
%
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

The one from his lawyer telling him all the illegal downloading charges have been dropped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcmah4/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
I felt pretty good after leaving the grocery store today

There was this woman there checking me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcm8wr/i_felt_pretty_good_after_leaving_the_grocery/
%
Why did the bagel go the bar?

To get toasted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcm3ta/why_did_the_bagel_go_the_bar/
%
I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.

I said, "I work with animals every day."
She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"
I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcm297/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_girl_who_said_she_loved/
%
My fecalpheliac neighbor invited me over to play some board games.

Turns out I've been playing scattegories wrong my whole life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcm25a/my_fecalpheliac_neighbor_invited_me_over_to_play/
%
The Wine

An old couple was enjoying a bottle of wine while watching the sunset.
Husband: I can't live without you.
Wife: aww!  Was it you or the wine talking?
Husband: I was talking to the wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcm20f/the_wine/
%
My neighbors leave their windows open, so last night

He conquered, She came, I saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bclx9m/my_neighbors_leave_their_windows_open_so_last/
%
My dad kept on warning everyone the titanic was gonna sink, but no one listened to him.

Finally, they had enough of him and kicked him out the theater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcluo0/my_dad_kept_on_warning_everyone_the_titanic_was/
%
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s least favorite subreddit?

It’s fucking r/aww!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcltd2/whats_gordon_ramsays_least_favorite_subreddit/
%
how hot is a tauntaun?

its luke warm...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bclrkr/how_hot_is_a_tauntaun/
%
That Rorschach guy is a pervert,

all he draws are penises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bclkja/that_rorschach_guy_is_a_pervert/
%
Playing hide and seek with my three year old son is easy.

It’s been 15 years and he still hasn’t found me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcljtb/playing_hide_and_seek_with_my_three_year_old_son/
%
Mom, what's a dark joke?

"Well son, you see that war vet with no arms over there? Go thank him for his service and ask to shake his hand."
"Moooooom you know I'm blind"
"Exactly son, exactly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bclfqj/mom_whats_a_dark_joke/
%
A big brute of a Navy SEAL dies and goes to heaven...

As he’s standing at the pearly gates, Saint Peter beckons him to come nearer.
St. Peter: What is it exactly that you did back on earth?
Navy SEAL: We’ll I’m a big, badass motherfucker, I have 218 confirmed insurgent kills, blown up strongholds killing hundreds of ISIS leaders. Even taken two bullets and a few dozen pieces of shrapnel for my country!
St. Peter: I’m sorry son, but having done all that still doesn’t qualify you to get in here.
Navy SEAL: Get in? Hell, I’m giving y’all ten seconds to get out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bclfj5/a_big_brute_of_a_navy_seal_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
A man went to a black market dealer,

He asks the seller,
"Yo I heard you can get me a glock, can I have one?"
The guy says,
"what have people told you about me?"
He replies "you're a small arms dealer"
*pushed the mutilated child arms back into the van*
"kind of yeah"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bclese/a_man_went_to_a_black_market_dealer/
%
I saw Donald Trump in a bar

I walked up to him and saw he was with Mike Pence. I asked him what he’s doing and he says “We are plotting how to start WW3.”
I say “how would you do it?”
He says “kill 2000 Muslims and a sexy blonde girl!”
I said “why would you kill a sexy blonde girl?!”
He turns to Pence and says “I told you they don’t care about the Muslims!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcl61r/i_saw_donald_trump_in_a_bar/
%
My grandfather overdosed on Viagra the other day.

My grandma took it pretty hard that night; the next morning and all day long!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcl5up/my_grandfather_overdosed_on_viagra_the_other_day/
%
What soup weighs two thousand pounds?

Wonton soup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcl1o7/what_soup_weighs_two_thousand_pounds/
%
What did the boy with no arms get for his birthday

I don’t know he hasn’t opened it yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bckzs8/what_did_the_boy_with_no_arms_get_for_his_birthday/
%
What is Jorah Mormonts favorite printer settings? Grayscale

What is Jorah Mormonts favorite printer settings?           Grayscale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcky0n/what_is_jorah_mormonts_favorite_printer_settings/
%
A man goes to church to confess his sins....

He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard."
The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad."
"Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard."
"My son, this is not so bad. 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers and you shall be cleansed."
The man interrupts, "Um Father, there was some wood left over, so I used it to build a fence around my yard."
The Priest was surprised. "My child, that's a bit worse. You'll have to do 2 full rosaries."
The man speaks up again. "Father, you see there was still some wood left and I used it to build an extension on my house."
The Priest sighed with discomfort. "Oh dear my child. You'll need to do some real penance for that. Our church courtyard could use an update. Do you know how to build a gazebo?"
The man replied, "No father, but if you have the plans, I have the wood."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bckoz6/a_man_goes_to_church_to_confess_his_sins/
%
My friend asked me if I knew sign language...

I said I knew a handful of words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcknom/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_knew_sign_language/
%
Why can't proctologists get out of debt?

They're always in arrears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcklcg/why_cant_proctologists_get_out_of_debt/
%
Today, I got laid

off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bckkw5/today_i_got_laid/
%
Why Did The Socks Break Up.

Because one always had to be right so the other left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bckkha/why_did_the_socks_break_up/
%
Three organized weaklings defeat an army of barbarians.

When asked how they did it, they responded:
"You know what they say, knowledge is power."
The people still didn't understand, so the trio explained it further:
"Well, you see, we were in formation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bckkbp/three_organized_weaklings_defeat_an_army_of/
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Jay-Z says the same thing when he's at home and when he's at the chemist.

'lemme get some of that Oral B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcke6c/jayz_says_the_same_thing_when_hes_at_home_and/
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My girlfriend said she will not talk to me anymore because i don't listen.

I don't understand what does she mean by anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bck0rt/my_girlfriend_said_she_will_not_talk_to_me/
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Have you ever had North Korean food?

Neither have the North Koreans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcjztt/have_you_ever_had_north_korean_food/
%
How does a scientist freshen his breath ?

He uses Experi-mints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcjzbv/how_does_a_scientist_freshen_his_breath/
%
Why did the jalapeño ask for the window to be closed?

He was a little chilly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcjnyc/why_did_the_jalapeño_ask_for_the_window_to_be/
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Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza.

*My* pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcjgbu/today_a_friend_of_mine_had_to_go_to_the_hospital/
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A guy goes to the doctor for his test results...

The doc pulls out the patient’s file and says “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
The guy sighs and says, “Well, what’s the bad news?”
“You’ve been eating so much salami, pepperoni, corned beef, bacon, chorizo and prosciutto that you’ve developed a very rare fatal disease.”
“What’s the good news then doc?”
“You’re cured!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcjfwm/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_for_his_test_results/
%
What do necrophiliacs get at funerals?

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcjdss/what_do_necrophiliacs_get_at_funerals/
%
It makes sense that socks are always separating

Because one of them always has to be right, so the other one left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcjcc2/it_makes_sense_that_socks_are_always_separating/
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How do you piss off a female archeologist?

Find a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcjbmt/how_do_you_piss_off_a_female_archeologist/
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How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcj77d/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs?

It doesn’t matter what you call them, they’re still not going to come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcj3qv/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
Why do pirates love Reddit?

It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcj2px/why_do_pirates_love_reddit/
%
A man died and met God in Heaven

The man asked God.
Man: God is it true that a million years to you is just like one second?
God: Yes
Man: God is it also true that a million dollars is just like one cent to you?
God: Yes.
Man: So can I please have a million dollars
God: Sure thing! Just gimme a second

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcj2gm/a_man_died_and_met_god_in_heaven/
%
There are three types of people,

Those who can count, and those who can't count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcj0wo/there_are_three_types_of_people/
%
What do you call a mosh pit at a disco?

A Cluster Funk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcixgf/what_do_you_call_a_mosh_pit_at_a_disco/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bciwze/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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BREXIT: TAKE BACK CONTROL

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcivxl/brexit_take_back_control/
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What do you call a magic dog?

A Labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bciuws/what_do_you_call_a_magic_dog/
%
Why can’t stormtroopers get laid?

They can’t hit anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcisy9/why_cant_stormtroopers_get_laid/
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Why do they say be there or be square?

Because if you don’t show up, you’re not a round

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bciqra/why_do_they_say_be_there_or_be_square/
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What do horny toads say?

Rubbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcipml/what_do_horny_toads_say/
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Comic Sans walks in to a bar.

The bartender says, sorry we don’t serve your type.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bciozb/comic_sans_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..

At least he likes one thing raw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcimj0/gordon_ramsey_just_had_his_5th_kid/
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What do you call 18 wheat fields in france?

Dix-huit fields.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcime6/what_do_you_call_18_wheat_fields_in_france/
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My wife always takes all my covers.

It's tiring, so I'm encouraging her to write her own songs for once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcillo/my_wife_always_takes_all_my_covers/
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Star Wars Trailer: No one is ever really gone...

"Meesa lead tha First Order to victory now, okietay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcili3/star_wars_trailer_no_one_is_ever_really_gone/
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Whats the most holy chord of all?

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcibkr/whats_the_most_holy_chord_of_all/
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I can’t stop making horrible toilet paper jokes.

I guess I’m just on a roll.
Sorry for the shitty joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcia1z/i_cant_stop_making_horrible_toilet_paper_jokes/
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An old one but a good one

What does a hurricane in Florida, a tornado in Arkansas, and a divorce in Kentucky have in common?
Someone is fixin’ to lose a trailer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bci9ys/an_old_one_but_a_good_one/
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Why are programmers in a love/hate relationship with coffee?

Because it helps them work but it's made of Java.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bci0d5/why_are_programmers_in_a_lovehate_relationship/
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What do you call a shemale in the Marvel Cinematic Universe?

Ex-Men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bchzvx/what_do_you_call_a_shemale_in_the_marvel/
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If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight?

Developing cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bchw73/if_being_sexually_active_reduces_the_chance_of/
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Two guys were at the beach talking.....

The first guy says "you seem popular with the ladies, can you give me any advice?"
The second guy tells him "it's simple, just put a potato down your swim trunks and walk around talking to every girl you see. In no time you will have girls falling all over you"
The next day they meet up and the first guy complains "I did what you said and every girl either looked at me in disgust or laughed at me when I was walking away. What am I doing wrong?"
First guy responds "I didn't think I had to tell you to put the potato down the front of your swim trunks, not the back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bchvk6/two_guys_were_at_the_beach_talking/
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What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bchtwg/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_flying_a_plane/
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Why did the pirate walk the plank?

Because he couldn't afford a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bchrad/why_did_the_pirate_walk_the_plank/
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What do you get when you cross a dog with a phone

A golden receiver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bchkmo/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dog_with_a_phone/
%
Took my chameleon to the vet cause he stopped changing colors.

Doctor says he has a reptile disfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bchi2n/took_my_chameleon_to_the_vet_cause_he_stopped/
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A cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy walks his horse up to a bar, dismounts, hitches it, and then he walks around the horse, lifts up the tail and sticks his finger in the horse's ass.  The bar keep notices this and soon everyone in the bar is watching through the window. He then takes the befouled finger and smears the excrement on his lips, giving them a good coat.
The cowboy walks in to the bar.  Everyone is silent as they stare at him, befuddled.
He orders a whiskey from the barkeep.
As the whiskey is being poured the patron to the cowboy's right leans forward to get a better view of his soiled lips.
The cowboy notices this and, irritated, asks the man, "What?!"
"I can't help but notice that you soiled your lips"
"My lips are chapped," replies the cowboy.
"I can't believe that horse shit would help chapped lips"
"It don't," says the cowboy, taking his shot of whiskey.
"But it sure keeps me from licking 'em"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bchdia/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
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A person from Czechoslovakia falls in love with a chess player

It’s a Czechmate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bch0ni/a_person_from_czechoslovakia_falls_in_love_with_a/
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcgua0/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
What's heavier, 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers?

The feathers, cuz 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with feathers, you have to carry the weight of what you did to the poor birds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcgpjl/whats_heavier_200_pounds_of_bricks_or_200_pounds/
%
Don’t let your eye doctor give you cocaine

The first line will be big. But then they just get smaller and smaller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcgnnl/dont_let_your_eye_doctor_give_you_cocaine/
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What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner, and someone who drives a Harley Davidson?

Position of the dirt bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcghul/whats_the_difference_between_a_vacuum_cleaner_and/
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In which month do women talk less?

February, it has the least amount of days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcgg3w/in_which_month_do_women_talk_less/
%
A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth...

Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before.
Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say.
After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over.
She then asked him, "How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?"
To which the boy replied, "Usually five bucks and a snickers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcgd2y/a_teenage_girl_was_at_a_catholic_confession_booth/
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Bob the milkman

A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the milkman."
"What!?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"That's right," says the first guy.
"Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the milkman want to fuck that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcgbso/bob_the_milkman/
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Magic Johnson has made it nearly 3 decades with HIV

But he couldn’t survive 1 year with LeBron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcga41/magic_johnson_has_made_it_nearly_3_decades_with/
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Man can't get his leg back after amputation.

Doctor: Unfortunately, we can't give you your amputed leg back.
Me: I want it, it's my right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcga2y/man_cant_get_his_leg_back_after_amputation/
%
Why did the baker have brown hands?...

Because he kneaded a poo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcg8fb/why_did_the_baker_have_brown_hands/
%
Going to the dentist is like those movies where a character gets interrogated violently.

It’s pretty clear to them when you’re lying — and if you don’t come clean, you might lose a tooth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcg83b/going_to_the_dentist_is_like_those_movies_where_a/
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You could say Julian Assange has been shown....

...the Ecua-DOOR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcg5z2/you_could_say_julian_assange_has_been_shown/
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Why did the man put chickpeas down his pants?

He was hummusexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcg4ff/why_did_the_man_put_chickpeas_down_his_pants/
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How come when NASA shows pictures of their black hole, it’s “breaking news”

But when I show pictures of mine it’s an “HR violation”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcfxr3/how_come_when_nasa_shows_pictures_of_their_black/
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Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke ?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day ?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking ?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be$10,800 correct ?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct ?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari ?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcftht/do_you_smoke/
%
"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"
"Ping"
"Ping who?"
"Noot Noot!"
Just hoping it's not a repost. Was too lazy to check :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcfpz3/knock_knock/
%
There's an innuendo competition in town tonight.

I'm thinking of entering my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcfg0x/theres_an_innuendo_competition_in_town_tonight/
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What do you call a gorgon on drugs?

Stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcff72/what_do_you_call_a_gorgon_on_drugs/
%
I feel like castrating someone should be a federal offense.

It is male theft after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcfevv/i_feel_like_castrating_someone_should_be_a/
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A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge $2,000 to answer three questions.”
“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcfb6r/a_guy_goes_into_a_lawyers_office_and_asks_the/
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Dads are like boomerangs.

At least I hope so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcf5z4/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
Two old jewish men are walking down the street

When one turns to the other and says:
"Moishe, what would you do if you had two houses?" Moishe replies "Izic, you are my best friend, I would give you one of my houses". Several yards later, Izic once again turns to Moishe and asks "Moishe, what would you do if you had two cars?" Moishe once again replies "Izic, you are my best friend, I would give you one of my cars". Several more yards pass, Izic then asks Moishe "what would you do if you had two watches?" Moishe replies " Izic, as I keep telling you, you are my best friend, we have known each other for twenty years, of course I would give you a watch". Even further along their journey Izic once again turns to Moishe "what would you do if you had two chickens?" To which Moishe replies "now piss off will you, you know I've got two fucking chickens".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcf4rv/two_old_jewish_men_are_walking_down_the_street/
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A Jewish Grandmother was at the beach...

A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet. Suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He is swept away! She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, Okay!"
A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The voice booms again, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcf43e/a_jewish_grandmother_was_at_the_beach/
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Saturday and Sunday are known to be the strongest days of the week.

all the other days are weak days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcew3r/saturday_and_sunday_are_known_to_be_the_strongest/
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A man said he was going to go out by hooking a hose to an exhaust and put it in his car while sealed in his garage.

Saw him the next day looking defeated, he said he forgot he owned a hybrid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcespg/a_man_said_he_was_going_to_go_out_by_hooking_a/
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I used to work at a place where they crushed down soda cans after they were used.

I had to quit though, because it was just
*soda pressing*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcepi0/i_used_to_work_at_a_place_where_they_crushed_down/
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What’s the difference your wife and your job?

Your job will still suck after 5 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bceoro/whats_the_difference_your_wife_and_your_job/
%
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled

I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bceonx/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_thought_our_kids_are_spoiled/
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My wife says if I don’t stop making bird puns she is going to withhold sex...

...but she can keep her tits to herself. Eventually she will want my cock and she’ll find that toucan play that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bceo4w/my_wife_says_if_i_dont_stop_making_bird_puns_she/
%
In America, dogs are K9.

In China, dogs are E10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcelwk/in_america_dogs_are_k9/
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I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car

Just kidding.
I don't have a license.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bceiyk/i_really_wanted_kids_when_i_was_in_my_early_20s/
%
Me, my mom, and my dad all have diarrhea

It runs in the jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcehoo/me_my_mom_and_my_dad_all_have_diarrhea/
%
A book fell on my head

But I can only blame my shelf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bce73t/a_book_fell_on_my_head/
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A girl in work was a bit rude earlier, she said I look like I'd be boring in bed.

So I told her she should ask her sister ;).
"Haha, I haven't got a sister" she proclaims.
"I know" I said, "you will in 9 months".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bce5e0/a_girl_in_work_was_a_bit_rude_earlier_she_said_i/
%
What bleeds and has two legs?

Half a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bce4uk/what_bleeds_and_has_two_legs/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bce4iz/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
What do Great Britain and bad house-guests have in common?

They take forever to leave...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bce4iy/what_do_great_britain_and_bad_houseguests_have_in/
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Ralph is driving home one evening,

when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bce2mg/ralph_is_driving_home_one_evening/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend

Wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcdvmh/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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How did the communist do in school?

He got good Marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcdpyf/how_did_the_communist_do_in_school/
%
I've been in jail 3 times and filed for bankruptcy

I hate playing Monopoly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcdncg/ive_been_in_jail_3_times_and_filed_for_bankruptcy/
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There are pros and cons to getting married...

On one hand you get to wear a ring, on the other hand, you don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcdjpu/there_are_pros_and_cons_to_getting_married/
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So this father and son go hunting for an Easter Goose for the family...

They're up early and in their favorite blind by sun up. Coffee, hot. Rifles, loaded. Air, crisp. It doesn't take long before a flock heads their way and they shoot down a fair sized bird and collect it, then bring it home to the Wife and Daughter for cleaning and preparation. All goes well and the Goose is on the table with the rest of the spread the very next night.
Everyone is digging in and enjoying the food and each others company. The Daughter all of a sudden bit down on something hard, "Ouch! wtf?" Father says, "It's just from the bird-shot honey, can't get them all. No worries." Dinner goes on.
Later that evening the daughter comes rushing out of the washroom to tell her mother that she was peeing and a pellet came out! Mom says, "Its fine. Just from the bird-shot, remember?" That calms the daughter down and they carry on.
Some time after that. The Son comes running downstairs white as a ghost and barely able to speak! Mom asks, "What's the matter?! Were you peeing and a pellet came out?" Son replies, "No! I was jacking off and shot the Dog!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcdh9v/so_this_father_and_son_go_hunting_for_an_easter/
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Australians don’t have sex

Australians mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcd6s7/australians_dont_have_sex/
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My brother got a Tesla

My brother picked up a Tesla a few months back and it spoiled him for other cars. So last night, I pick him up from the airport in my old Yaris.
After a few minutes of driving, he says, “We need to get you into something all-electric.”
Looking back, I reply, “Best I can afford is a bathtub with a plugged in toaster.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcd67d/my_brother_got_a_tesla/
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A kangaroo keeps escaping his enclosure at the zoo.

In an effort to keep him inside at night, the zookeepers construct a 10-foot fence around his habitat. The next morning, they find the kangaroo wandering around the zoo. The zookeepers construct a 20-foot fence to keep the kangaroo from escaping, but the next day he is loose once again. The zookeepers begin construction on a 50-foot fence they’re sure will keep the kangaroo in his enclosure. Watching the men work, a camel in the neighboring enclosure sticks his head over to the kangaroo’s side and asks, “How high do you think they’ll make it this time?”
The kangaroo answers, “Not sure, but it still won’t matter, unless they remember to lock the door this time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcd179/a_kangaroo_keeps_escaping_his_enclosure_at_the_zoo/
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When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend,

but it was just my imagine Asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bccw19/when_i_was_a_kid_i_thought_i_had_a_chinese_friend/
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I'm done.

Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.
What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.
I'm socially awkward, even my only other co-worker fucking hates my guts. I have repressed lust for one of my best friends too; she's athletic, smart and a gorgeous southern bell. I love her. You know what it's like; I've been friend zoned real hard. She's my only real friend, besides this one kid, who I'm pretty sure is only hanging around me because he is mentally challenged.
I guess he's the only one that can tolerate me. And what makes this all fucking worse is that I live in a fucking pineapple under the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bccu2l/im_done/
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An unvaccinated kid walks into a bar and says:

"Wow! I didn't know there were bars in heaven!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bccu0s/an_unvaccinated_kid_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
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One day a mechanic was working under a car

And some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought. The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "It was pretty good, really. I think I'll have a little more today."
His friend was a little concerned but didn't say anything. The next day, "Hey, I drank a whole glass of brake fluid. Great stuff! I'm going to have more." A few days later, he was up to a bottle a day.
"You know," said his buddy, "that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better cut out drinking that stuff."
"Hey, no problem. I can stop any time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcctex/one_day_a_mechanic_was_working_under_a_car/
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A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.

“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”
The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.
“They’re fine,” the snake answers. “But now I’m being treated for depression.”
“Depression?” the doctor asks.
“Yeah, my eyesight cleared up, but it made me realize I’ve been dating a garden hose.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bccrw9/a_snake_goes_in_to_see_the_optometrist_because/
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A pig walks into a bar, orders twenty beers, and starts chugging them all one by one.

“That’s impressive,” says the bartender. “Want to know where the bathroom is?”
The pig replies, “No thanks, pal. I’m just going to go wee wee wee all the way home.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bccoyg/a_pig_walks_into_a_bar_orders_twenty_beers_and/
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I've recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner...

As all it was doing was collecting dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bccoxe/ive_recently_decided_to_sell_my_vacuum_cleaner/
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Dad joke: I bought a new thesaurus today!

Unfortunately it's nothing to write house about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bccjic/dad_joke_i_bought_a_new_thesaurus_today/
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Three older ladies are discussing the trials of getting older.

One says, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.”
The second lady chimes in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one responds, “Well, I’m sure glad I don’t have that problem, knock on wood.” She raps her knuckles on the table, then says, “That must be the door, I’ll get it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bccidc/three_older_ladies_are_discussing_the_trials_of/
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The Dentist

Just learned that a dentist in the next complex where I stay was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him for over ten years.
Never knew he was a dentist...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcci66/the_dentist/
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What happened when the chef got his hand caught in the dishwasher?

– They both got fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcchej/what_happened_when_the_chef_got_his_hand_caught/
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An old bear is about to write in his journal... (Translated from Chinese)

And he finds that he has no more pages left, so he decides to go get a new one. It's already midnight but he goes out anyway. He gets on his bike and rides into the dark streets. After a long time, he finally finds a bookstore that's still open, so he goes inside. He finds a new journal that he really likes, and asks how much it is.
The clerk says, "This journal is imported, so it costs $70."
The bear says, "That's so expensive! I only have $50 on me."
The clerk says, "That's fine, I'll let you have it for $50."
The bear thanks the clerk and pays for the journal. Before he leaves, the clerk tells him in a very low and creepy voice, "Beware! Whatever you do, never turn this journal to the last page, or you'll regret it!"
Taking the warning to heart, the bear thanks the clerk again and goes on his way. He gets home, takes the wrapping off the journal, and goes to wash up for bed. He comes out of the bathroom and sees that a breeze from the open window is blowing the pages of the journal, and he rushes to close it before it gets to the last page, but it's already too late. Terrified, he looks at the last page of the journal and his heart falls into his stomach, for it is written:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
MSRP $3.00

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcch7m/an_old_bear_is_about_to_write_in_his_journal/
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A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcch1k/a_retired_boxer_goes_to_see_his_doctor_because/
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A man is sitting at a bar during a costume party when a friend comes up to him and says,

“You were supposed to dress up like something that symbolized your love life.”
“I am,” the man says.
“You look like Abe Lincoln,” the friend responds.
“Yup,” he replies, taking a sip of beer. “My last four scores were seven years ago.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bccfyd/a_man_is_sitting_at_a_bar_during_a_costume_party/
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A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half of this Senate is not made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bccbud/a_member_of_the_senate_known_for_his_hot_temper/
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Someone told me protons had mass.

I didn't even know they were catholic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcc4m5/someone_told_me_protons_had_mass/
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Why are photographers always so depressed?

Because they don’t do anything all day but focus on the negatives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcc2mf/why_are_photographers_always_so_depressed/
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If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcc1ek/if_britain_leaves_the_eu_how_much_space_will_be/
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You wanna know my opinion on negative pressure?

It sucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcc1c4/you_wanna_know_my_opinion_on_negative_pressure/
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I won't say my life's a horror movie...

But I do get ghosted a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcbso4/i_wont_say_my_lifes_a_horror_movie/
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And he orders a beer

A time traveler walks into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcbrol/and_he_orders_a_beer/
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How does the anti-vax movement keep attracting new members?

Viral marketing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcbppd/how_does_the_antivax_movement_keep_attracting_new/
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I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

It was hard to differentiate between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcboea/i_failed_my_calculus_exam_because_i_was_seated/
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If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember it’s someone’s job to moderate r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcblfo/if_you_ever_feel_your_job_is_meaningless/
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If you ever feel worthless....

Just remember your organs are worth a lot of money on the black market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcbda9/if_you_ever_feel_worthless/
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Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcbcw9/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_construction/
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I had amnesia and can't figure out what a vacuum cleaner is supposed to do

It sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcbb2t/i_had_amnesia_and_cant_figure_out_what_a_vacuum/
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A guy asked me why he always gets a boner when he looks at himself in the mirror..

I told him it's because even his dick thinks he's a pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcbaab/a_guy_asked_me_why_he_always_gets_a_boner_when_he/
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Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcb93h/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system/
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If you think about it, Trump is probably one of the smartest people in the world

Even the President says so

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcb8wj/if_you_think_about_it_trump_is_probably_one_of/
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why would you get naked in a fight?

because the penis' mightier than the sword

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcb6h3/why_would_you_get_naked_in_a_fight/
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A man walks into the house tired from a long day of work, and is suddenly confronted by his wife, who is complaining about the blisters left on her hands from the broom.

The man looks at her and says "couldn't you have just taken the car?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcb2rw/a_man_walks_into_the_house_tired_from_a_long_day/
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Someone complimented me that I have a heart of a LION

On an unrelated note... Do they have CCTV cameras in the zoo??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcayol/someone_complimented_me_that_i_have_a_heart_of_a/
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Do you find out the secret of the whore?

First of all, it’s a long one and I am not a native speaker. Would be great if within the comments some native speakers might improve it so it is even better for the people to follow ;) I will update the joke after some time! Thanks!! And now Let’s start!
——— JOKE STARTS HERE ——-
There is guy who had not had sex for a veeeeery long time. As he is single and some dates went against his expectations he wants to go to a brothel to have a nice time.
He takes a cab and after a short ride and a grinning face of the cab driver he arrived at his destination. At the entry he is asked by the bawd what his preferences are.
„Nothing special. I just want to have a good time. Can you recommend someone or something?“ „Uhhh...there is someone really special now for few days in this location!“ „Whats so special about her?“ the guy asked quite interested. „Simple. She is giving you a blowjob and whilst doing this will sing a beautiful song!“ „How the fuck is this possible???“ „No idea. You have to try! Last floor. 3rd door!“
The guy puts his money on the table and runs upstairs standing in front of the said door. Slowly opening there is a beautiful woman sitting in a room on her bed.
The guy jumps in with a lot of anticipation immediately getting nude and asking the woman she shall start with what the bawd had told. The woman is looking at him smiling: „Wow. Someone can’t wait anymore. But first you have to play my rules!“ „Huh!?!“, the guy replied bewildered. „The rules are clear: You sit on my bed. Getting nude - that’s what you already have done this time. I will shut down the lights, entering the bathroom enclosed to this room. Will come back after I have prepared few things and will start with the show!“ „Ok.“ the guy responded confused, but yet willing to follow what she has said.
And there it goes. Lights go out. She walks into the bathroom. Comes back. And the show starts with an oral explosion. And if this might be enough the woman sings the most beautiful version of “somewhere over the rainbows” he ever heard. After 30 secs he cums grabbing the hairs of the woman. The woman stops. And asks the guy to just wait for a moment and puts the light on! The guy is just completely impressed and gets back home.
Laying home in his bed he is still thinking about this awkward blowjob and tries to figure out how the fuck this woman can give the best and tightest blowjob he ever received, but yet is singing like a goddess. “How the fuck is this possible?”, he thinks and swears to find out the next day paying attention to every detail.
Next day. Next evening. The guy is standing in front of the bawd again. Throwing once again his money on the table and yelling “The singing woman again!”. The bawd just grins and opens the door to the stairs.
Last floor. Third door. The woman recognizes him and tells him he has to follow the rules! So he sits down on the bed getting nude. Light are turned off. The woman goes to the bathroom. Comes back in darkness and starts to blow and sing. The orgasm is awesome and the song is brilliant. Evening and adventure ends.
So he is laying in his bed again at home and still has no fucking clue what happened. “Tomorrow i will find out. There must be a rational solution to all of this!” And so he decides to visit the brothel ONE more time the next evening.
The bawd laughs. “Once again our special blowjob??” “Yes!”. So he runs upstairs and he fucking swears to find out the secret today! The woman awaits him. And reminds him to follow the rules otherwise he will be kicked out with no cash back!! “I do!! I do!!!”
So the lights been shut down. He sits in the bed and this time...instead of getting nude...he decides to turn on the light. So he triggers the switch. Enlightening the room. And as the guy inspects the room. He sees a glass eye on the night stand next to the bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcaym9/do_you_find_out_the_secret_of_the_whore/
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As a gay man, I must say my first trip to Build-A-Bear was a let down.

That's false advertising!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcaqeo/as_a_gay_man_i_must_say_my_first_trip_to/
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Today was a terrible day, my Ex got hit by a bus

and I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcaq47/today_was_a_terrible_day_my_ex_got_hit_by_a_bus/
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I think I just found out what the “Why did the chicken cross the road?” joke ACTUALLY meant.

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“To get to the other side.”
Maybe the “other side” meant the afterlife, meaning that when the chicken was crossing the road, it probably got ran over by a car.
The joke was that you were supposed to take the punchline very literally at first, but then realize that in reality, chicken committed suicide.
Dark humour, everyone. The whole god damn time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcalza/i_think_i_just_found_out_what_the_why_did_the/
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A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."
To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcaba1/a_man_accidentally_elbows_a_womans_boob/
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My fingers are my best friends

I can always count on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bcaauh/my_fingers_are_my_best_friends/
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Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel.

One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.
This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television...and later to the remote control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bca9m2/millions_of_years_ago_there_was_no_such_thing_as/
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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bca8us/a_tour_bus_driver_is_driving_with_a_bus_load_of/
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What syndrome has people barking out potty humor?

Toilette’s syndrome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bca77l/what_syndrome_has_people_barking_out_potty_humor/
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What's the longest sentence in the English language?

I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bca28u/whats_the_longest_sentence_in_the_english_language/
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Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bca18l/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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What do you call an LGBTQ vehicle?

A BI-cycle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc9zyf/what_do_you_call_an_lgbtq_vehicle/
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I bumped into Thanos and laughed really hard at the size of his chin and forehead...

He snapped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc9zn4/i_bumped_into_thanos_and_laughed_really_hard_at/
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If I'm fat but identify as thin,

Does that mean that I'm trans slender?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc9y4j/if_im_fat_but_identify_as_thin/
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Why are Muslims so good at dating?

Because they always go out with a bang!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc9x85/why_are_muslims_so_good_at_dating/
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What kind of dessert comes out of a musical volcano?

Bach Lava

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc9v4o/what_kind_of_dessert_comes_out_of_a_musical/
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A redneck boy ran into his house and announced excitedly:

"I’ve found the girl I’m gonna marry! And she’s a virgin!"
His father thumped his fist on the table angrily. "There’s no way you’re marrying that girl," he yelled. "If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she sure ain’t good enough for ours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc9p9e/a_redneck_boy_ran_into_his_house_and_announced/
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What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc9gm0/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
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How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc96sq/how_was_the_roman_empire_cut_in_half/
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A Blonde with dyed hair...

... is what i'd call artificial intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc96q8/a_blonde_with_dyed_hair/
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An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.
It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite passive, the explorer thought he would take a chance and reach through the bars to touch him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest and with an awesome display of strength, burst through the bars of his cage.
As the explorer ran for his life, King Kong set off in hot pursuit. Instinctively the explorer headed for the heart of the jungle, hoping that he might be able to hide from his manic pursuer, but wherever he tried to conceal himself, King Kong always managed to find him.
As night began to fall, the explorer prayed that he would be able to lose the gorilla in the darkness but no matter how fast he ran, the sound of King Kong’s pounding footsteps was only ever about fifty yards behind.
For three long days and nights, the explorer ran through Africa with King Kong always close behind, occasionally letting out a menacing roar from his vast throat. Eventually the explorer reached the west coast. There were no ships in sight for an easy escape, so he realized the only option was to dive into the sea and hope that King Kong couldn’t swim. But to his horror, the gorilla jumped in straight after him and demonstrated an excellent front crawl.
On and on they swam across the Atlantic – rarely separated by more than thirty yards – until four months later the weary explorer arrived in Brazil. He scrambled ashore with as much energy as he could muster, only to see the mighty King Kong right behind him, still beating his chest ferociously and with steam billowing from his nostrils. Through the streets of Rio they stumbled, explorer and ape equally exhausted, until the explorer took a wrong turn and ended up down a dead end, his escape barred by a twenty-foot-high wall.
With nowhere left to run, he sank to his knees in despair and pleaded to King Kong: ‘Do whatever you want with me. Kill me, eat me, do what you like, but make it quick. Just put me out of my misery.’
King Kong slowly stalked over to the cowering explorer, prodded him with a giant paw and bellowed with a terrifying roar: ‘You’re it!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc92xj/an_explorer_in_the_african_jungle_heard_about_a/
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I hate my job.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.
I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8zvv/i_hate_my_job/
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What did the stoner say when he proposed to his girlfriend?

Marriageyouwanna?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8zqf/what_did_the_stoner_say_when_he_proposed_to_his/
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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8wmg/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
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My barista said he likes my coffee like he likes his women

That motherfucker put his dick in my coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8wdb/my_barista_said_he_likes_my_coffee_like_he_likes/
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Blondes

Three blondes are walking together and they come up on some tracks.
The first blonde bends down and says
“hmm I bet these are deer tracks”
The second blonde looks at them and says
“I don’t know these look like dog tracks to me”
Then the third blond steps up and says
“I bet these are raccoon tracks”
Then they got hit by the train

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8vn8/blondes/
%
A boy comes home after school one day.

His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face.
She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?”
“Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!”
The mother is stunned. “You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.”
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”
“That’s right, Dad.”
“Well, you became a man today—this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.”
“That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8v3f/a_boy_comes_home_after_school_one_day/
%
Day 299 without having sex

I ate two Popeyes biscuits without water so it could choke me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8ua8/day_299_without_having_sex/
%
Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well

i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8mx8/vegans_say_whoever_sells_meat_is_disgusting_well/
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The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the ark.

I get to Noah bit too much about them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8iqk/the_more_i_get_to_know_people_the_more_i_realize/
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All those people saying anti-vaxxers should be researching child sized coffins aren't considering both sides

they can also use urns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8hum/all_those_people_saying_antivaxxers_should_be/
%
Why are there no pharmacies in Ethiopia?

Because you need to eat food before taking medication

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8fnp/why_are_there_no_pharmacies_in_ethiopia/
%
I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories...

Makes scents...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8fg1/i_totally_understand_why_people_work_at_fragrance/
%
Did you see that guy at the beginning of Infinity War?

He Loki died bro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8evy/did_you_see_that_guy_at_the_beginning_of_infinity/
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Brandon is shopping for a used motorcycle.

He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
One day, his girlfriend asks him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
“No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells him, “Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”
Brandon sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Brandon decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Brandon remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH! I’LL DO THE DISHES.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8d6n/brandon_is_shopping_for_a_used_motorcycle/
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How do fish get high? (I'm so sorry)

SEAWEED!!
(*forgive me*)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc8ajt/how_do_fish_get_high_im_so_sorry/
%
Man, being a paranoid schizophrenic is hard.

You tell ONE person about it, and suddenly everyone’s out to get you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc7ww4/man_being_a_paranoid_schizophrenic_is_hard/
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Why does a football coach angrily kick the vending machine?

He wants his quarterback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc7v7d/why_does_a_football_coach_angrily_kick_the/
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I went to a Lord of the Rings themed restaurant. The food was horribly authentic and the waitress was as uglier than an Orc, but I have to give her credit. There was a table of 12 and it only took her ...

...one bring to gruel them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc7pdf/i_went_to_a_lord_of_the_rings_themed_restaurant/
%
There was a kidnapping at school today

It’s ok, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc7o4d/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_school_today/
%
There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.
“Twice a day,”
“Nope.”
“Daily.”
“Nope.”
“Every other day.”
“Nope.”
“Weekends.”
“Nope.”
“Every other week.”
“Nope.”
“Alright, I give up.”
“Yearly once.”
The shrink explodes: “Why the hell do you have such a big grin?”
“Tonight is the night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc7jtf/theres_this_psychiatrist_who_claims_to_guess_the/
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How do Trains eat?

They Choo-Choo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc7jh7/how_do_trains_eat/
%
Why do Artificially Intelligent systems fear popcorn?

Kernel panic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc7j6v/why_do_artificially_intelligent_systems_fear/
%
A boy is preparing his suit in a hotel room alone.

But he doesn’t know how to tie his bow tie. Unable to figure it out he asks the man at the room next door if he can. The man says, “Sure, just lay down on the bed.” The boy is hesitant but in a rush so he follows his instructions. The man hovers over him and quickly ties the bow tie. The boy sits up and asks why he made him lay down.  The man answers, “Well I’m an undertaker.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc7i0w/a_boy_is_preparing_his_suit_in_a_hotel_room_alone/
%
A horrible astronaut joke

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut
Yeah he just needs a little space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc7awc/a_horrible_astronaut_joke/
%
What exactly is an acorn?

Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc7ar8/what_exactly_is_an_acorn/
%
I've been trying to download this software ALL day..

I kept getting hung up at the end when it said "finish install". I'm Norwegian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc7aou/ive_been_trying_to_download_this_software_all_day/
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I was in an elevator the other day and a woman got on as well.

Once the door closed she pushed the stop button and took off all of her clothes and threw them on the floor and said, make me feel like a woman.
So I took off all of my clothes, threw them on the floor and said pick 'em up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc70pp/i_was_in_an_elevator_the_other_day_and_a_woman/
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Have you heard the Irish joke about R. Kelly?

It won’t take much time; it’s only a wee joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc6ul0/have_you_heard_the_irish_joke_about_r_kelly/
%
What is the Capital of Greece?

About 5 Euros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc6t70/what_is_the_capital_of_greece/
%
Why did Bono fall off the stage?

He got too close to The Edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc6r0z/why_did_bono_fall_off_the_stage/
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Funny and long (semi-dirty)

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc6qfz/funny_and_long_semidirty/
%
Bought myself a protractor today

I just hope I'm good enough farmer to use it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc6ojo/bought_myself_a_protractor_today/
%
I just went to the doctors and told him...

...I can’t stop singing Tom Jones songs!
He told me I have TJOCD!
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Tom Jones Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.” the doctor told me.
Me: “Is it common?”
Doc: “No but, it’s not unusual…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc6mie/i_just_went_to_the_doctors_and_told_him/
%
What's she got that I don't?

Ol' Ed and his neighbor Ethel are both 75 years old and have lost their partners years ago. They enjoy spending time  together every Friday evening rocking on Ethel's back porch swing, talking and watching the sunset. As soon as the sun goes down Ethel unzips Ed and gently holds his member in her hands while they reminisce about the good ol' days.
This has gone on for years until one Friday Ed doesnt come around. The next Friday when he still doesnt come over she suspects the worst and goes to see him. As she's walking up his driveway she spots him leaving out his side door. Ethel asks him wheres he's been and instantly Ed gets a red face and looks at the ground.
He says ,I'm sorry Ethel I enjoy our time but I've been Sue's place the last couple weeks... Ethel says," SUE???? She's 90 years old....... What's she got that I don't have?????"
Ed replies, "Parkinsons"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc6kpb/whats_she_got_that_i_dont/
%
If Minecraft has ever taught us anything...

It’s that you shouldn’t spend diamonds on hoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc6jvh/if_minecraft_has_ever_taught_us_anything/
%
How many Mexicans do you have to meet before you hear a really stereotypical name?

Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc6hw8/how_many_mexicans_do_you_have_to_meet_before_you/
%
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.00. The Hilton charges $108.00. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my insurance company!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc6dpc/a_couple_both_age_67_went_to_the_doctors_office/
%
If it's true that you are what you eat...

Furries are a lot of things, but at least they aren't vegans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc66pi/if_its_true_that_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
What do you bring to a lawyer BBQ?

Just ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc66gu/what_do_you_bring_to_a_lawyer_bbq/
%
I created a new subreddit for BDSM love stories

It's called r/SubsYouFellFor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc605w/i_created_a_new_subreddit_for_bdsm_love_stories/
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What do you call a grumpy German?

A Sauerkraut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc5zv6/what_do_you_call_a_grumpy_german/
%
Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth

I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc5wj4/went_to_jail_for_the_first_time_and_found_out/
%
A blonde entered a technology and appliance store to purchase a new TV.

When she found one she liked, she brought it to the cashier, saying “I would like to buy this TV, please.”
The cashier replied, “sorry, but I don’t sell to blondes.”
Discouraged and still determined to buy the TV, she went to the salon, dyed her hair brown, and returned to the same store the next day. Picking up the same TV, she brought it to the cashier, saying “I would like to buy this TV, please.”
Once again, without batting an eye, he replied, “sorry, but I don’t sell to blondes.”
Furious that he still refused to sell to her and still determined to purchase what she thought was the perfect TV, she set an appointment with a plastic surgeon, completely reconstructed her face, and dyed her hair once again, this time a darker brown. “There’s no way he’ll recognize me now” she thought smugly to herself.
She returned to the store, picked up the TV for a third time, but before she could get a word out the cashier already said, “sorry, but I don’t sell to blondes.”
Completely enraged, she said “I have dyed my hair brown, and then a darker brown, and I’ve even gotten plastic surgery! How did you still know I was a blonde?”
Without missing a beat, he simply responded “because that’s a microwave.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc5uwa/a_blonde_entered_a_technology_and_appliance_store/
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If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc5sj9/if_you_ever_feel_your_job_is_meaningless/
%
How do penguins open windows?

They drink wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc5rhd/how_do_penguins_open_windows/
%
Little Johny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch...

His best friend, little Tommy, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is.”
Tommy decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents’ bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the whole affair.
Tommy immediately says, “I want a watch.”
The dad sighs and says, “Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don’t make any noise.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc5ior/little_johny_comes_in_to_school_one_morning/
%
My boyfriend yelled at me "you weren't even listening just now, were you?"

I thought, what a weird way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc5gdk/my_boyfriend_yelled_at_me_you_werent_even/
%
What do vehicles do in discos?

They brake-dance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc5e7l/what_do_vehicles_do_in_discos/
%
Lice have become resistant to most conventional forms of treatment

Scientists are scratching their heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc5aqm/lice_have_become_resistant_to_most_conventional/
%
My sister asked me what this rope is for

But I left her hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc5all/my_sister_asked_me_what_this_rope_is_for/
%
Whats the most pointless thing that actually exists?

Circles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc581z/whats_the_most_pointless_thing_that_actually/
%
You know what they say about Alabama

everything is relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc57gb/you_know_what_they_say_about_alabama/
%
Double standards: if a man sleep with alot of women he is a stud but if a woman does it,

she is a lesbian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc573v/double_standards_if_a_man_sleep_with_alot_of/
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I don’t know what to say. Someone stole all the fruit from my farm in Georgia.

I’m peachless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc50ib/i_dont_know_what_to_say_someone_stole_all_the/
%
I'm really good at sleeping.

I can do it with my eyes closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc4uy4/im_really_good_at_sleeping/
%
You should send picture of your ex to NASA.

Apparently they are desperate to get a photograph of A hole that sucks all your time, light and energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc4ue1/you_should_send_picture_of_your_ex_to_nasa/
%
(Don't Get Mad) If you ever get mad, punch an orphan.

What'll they do, tell their parents?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc4r8u/dont_get_mad_if_you_ever_get_mad_punch_an_orphan/
%
Not my joke, I saw it on a different sub

“I like my coffee like how I like my slaves”
𝘞𝘢𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦
“Free, you racist bastards”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc4n0h/not_my_joke_i_saw_it_on_a_different_sub/
%
What is postman's favourite organ?

The liver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc4if0/what_is_postmans_favourite_organ/
%
I like to play chess with old men in the park

It's hard to find 32 of them though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc4hco/i_like_to_play_chess_with_old_men_in_the_park/
%
Jim, Jeff and Joe are having a few beers at the local watering hole....

and seeing as their wives aren't around to tell the REAL truth, they start talking about what happens when they get in an argument.
"Well, when Jessica and I get in an argument about what to watch on TV, I tell her I bought the damn TV so I get to pick what we watch and when we watch it!" Jim exclaims.
"Yup, when I come home, Jordyn damn well better have dinner ready, and it damn well better be what I want, because I'm the one that pays for the food and the kitchen remodel she so desperately wanted!" Jeff states matter-of-factly.
"Hmm, well when Jennifer and I get in a fight, she usually ends up on her knees!" Joe chuckles.
"Your full of shit, Joe!" Jim said with a laugh.
"Yea fuckin right, Joe," Jeff said huffly.
"Sure as shit!" Joe said.
"Well then what happens?" they both asked.
"Well, then she screams "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT ME, YOU PUSSY!""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc4f1n/jim_jeff_and_joe_are_having_a_few_beers_at_the/
%
I'm thinking of removing my spine

It's only holding me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc4aff/im_thinking_of_removing_my_spine/
%
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books,

but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc49ml/my_friend_recently_got_crushed_by_a_pile_of_books/
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If 'Pro' is Opposite of 'Con'...

What's the opposite of 'Progress'?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc46nd/if_pro_is_opposite_of_con/
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The Cuckoo Clock

A woman was invited out for a night with "the girls." She told her husband that she would be home by midnight. "I promise!" she added.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 AM, a bit blitzed, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another nine times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. "Whew!" she thought, "Got away with that one!"
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When she asked him why, he answered, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, crap,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the dog and farted."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc4548/the_cuckoo_clock/
%
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc43xw/why_do_gorillas_have_big_nostrils/
%
I make a lot of self-deprecating jokes.

Not that I’m any good at them or anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc433g/i_make_a_lot_of_selfdeprecating_jokes/
%
A DEA Agent went to a farm to search for illegally grown drugs

When he arrived he told the farmer, “I am going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”
The farmer replied, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there."
Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!”
The farmer politely nodded and went back about his business. A short time after, the DEA agent knocked on the door and said, "I found marijuana growing in that field you pointed to, so I'm gonna have to take you in. Why on earth would you point it out to me so obviously?"
The farmer answered, "I had hope you had seen this joke reposted as many times as I have and would have been expecting the bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc42hm/a_dea_agent_went_to_a_farm_to_search_for/
%
What do ducks smoke?

Quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc41vf/what_do_ducks_smoke/
%
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walking.
Jk, rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc3yz1/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
Why do you get aroused when you look in the mirror?

Because your dick thinks you're a pussy too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc3ty1/why_do_you_get_aroused_when_you_look_in_the_mirror/
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What did the comedian say to the bartender after the show ?

I'll have another round of applause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc3skb/what_did_the_comedian_say_to_the_bartender_after/
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A man walks into a bar.....

he goes to the barman and asks "if I show you something amazing would you give me a free drink"?
The barman obliges. The man pulls out of his pocket a little piano along with a little woman. Then all of a sudden the little womman plays Beethoven 3rd symphony perfectly.
The barman astonished reaches down and gives the man his finest bottle of ale. "If you don't mind me asking how did you come across the little woman and her piano"?
"Well that's an interesting story, I was travelling around India when this old guru sold me a old dusty lamp, Wouldn't you believe it when I rubed the lamp a genie appeared and asked me for a wish..." the barman excited cuts the man off half way though his story and asks "I'll give you a thousand quid for the lamp right now"!
The man smiles and agrees. He pulls out the lamp and hands it to the barman. The barman quickly rubs the lamp and a genie appears. "One wish and one wish only" the genie says in his Indian accent. The barman gleefully asks "I wish for a million quid"
All of a sudden a million squid fills up the bar.
"What the hell, I asked for a million quid NOT SQUID"! The man laughs and says  " I know but did you really think  I asked for a 12 inch pianist"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc3s55/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a board game for furries?

Trivial Fursuit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc3roo/what_do_you_call_a_board_game_for_furries/
%
A family goes to a nudist beach

The boy looks around and asks his dad: why do peoples privates go either up or down?
The dad replies: If it points upwards, they're rich, and if it points downwards, they're poor.
The father then goes to sleep, and after a while he wakes up again to find his wife gone. He asks his son where she is.
The son replies: Well there was this poor guy, that got rich, and now Mom's sucking the money out of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc3oc7/a_family_goes_to_a_nudist_beach/
%
I love black holes

they matter a lot to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc3ne8/i_love_black_holes/
%
You know why I hate black holes?

Because I'm rasict

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc3koo/you_know_why_i_hate_black_holes/
%
A man Walks into a bar

He sees a jar full of cash with ' win ' written on it.
He asks the bartender how to win it, bartender says he must make the horse in the stable laugh.
So the man walks into the stable, comes out, and the horse is laughing.
He takes the cash and leaves.
2 days later he comes back and theres another jar, so asks the bartender, this time he must make the horse stop laughing.
So the man walks into the stable, comes back out and the horse is crying.
The bartender gives  him the cash and asks him how he did it.
The guy says " well the first time I told the horse my dick is bigger than his, the second time, I showed it to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc3ex3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you get when you cross a white person and cocaine

A Cocasian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc3e9t/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_white_person_and/
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My mom said if I stayed up late then she'd bash my head against my keyboard again

I'm old enough to stay awake for as long as I damn pleahfjjsjjchfigjbrbrje d ffhfhfnfbfbrbrbrdjdjfufhfhdhdbdbrvtjtkykumhkfieuegdgajks38rjbfbfbdejjejekdfnjf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc3dla/my_mom_said_if_i_stayed_up_late_then_shed_bash_my/
%
Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc373e/why_does_an_incel_get_turned_on_by_a_credit_card/
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I just found out that a doctor down the street has been arrested for dealing drugs...

It shows you how wrong you c an be about people. I have been a customer for many years and he is so different than the article implies. I never knew he was a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc2xva/i_just_found_out_that_a_doctor_down_the_street/
%
Day 289 without having sex

Put on flip flops and had a long run. Just to be satisfied with the sound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc2wxx/day_289_without_having_sex/
%
Two guys were in a bar with their blonde girlfriends

Guy 1: "Do you know why blondes are so good at giving head?"
Guy 2: No, why?
Guy 1:  its because they've got a vacuum between their ears
Blonde girlfriend: "well, at least its better than nothing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc2wnv/two_guys_were_in_a_bar_with_their_blonde/
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Two fish are in a barrel.

One turns to the other and asks, "How did we fit in this gun"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc2st8/two_fish_are_in_a_barrel/
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A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***
The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".
The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".
The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".
The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the father replies " it's just another word for Mother".
The child says "Okay" and then runs off.
===================================================================================================
***PART 2***
The day continues and the child goes upstairs and enters the bathroom, only to see his Father shaving.
The Father accidentally gets some shaving cream in his mouth and says "Shit".
The child asks his Father "What does Shit mean" and the Father replies "It's another word for shaving cream".
The child says "Okay" and then runs off.
===================================================================================================
***PART 3***
The child then goes downstairs and enters the kitchen, only to see his mother stuffing the turkey.
The mother is cutting some garlic when she accidentally cuts herself and says "Fuck".
The child asks his Mother "What does Fuck mean" and the Mother replies "It's just another way to say stuff"
The child says "Okay" and then runs off.
===================================================================================================
***PART 4 (FINAL)***
The child heads towards the living room to watch some television when he hears a knock at the front door. Realising his family is a bit preoccupied right now, he decides to open the door. A police officer is at the front door and asks the child "Where are your parents?"
The child responds: "The Bastard is upstairs putting Shit on his face and the Bitch is in the kitchen Fucking the turkey"
===================================================================================================

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc2mv0/a_mother_and_father_get_into_a_heated_argument_in/
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What is a ghost's favorite type of porn?

Boo-kkake
Alternative punchline: Ghouls Gone Wild

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc2i7g/what_is_a_ghosts_favorite_type_of_porn/
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A king enrolled his donkey in a race...

A king enrolled his donkey in a race and won.
Local papers read:
'KING's ASS WON'
The king was so upset with this kind of publicity. So he gave the donkey to the queen.
The local paper then read:  "QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The king fainted....
Queen sold the donkey to a farmer for Rs 1000.
Next day papers read:     "QUEEN SELLING HER ASS FOR Rs 1000"
The queen fainted...
The next day king ordered the queen to buy back the donkey and leave it in jungle.
The Next Headlines:
"QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS FREE & WILD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc2g10/a_king_enrolled_his_donkey_in_a_race/
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A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.
The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.
Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back up into a scowl. "Me bucko," he says, "Do ye see that fence out there? On O'Mally's farm?"
The tourist nods.
"That fence," Seamus continues, "had to completely encircle 48 acres of land. I built it all by meself, with only a hammer and me bare hands. All through the summer and all through the winter, I worked on that damn fence. Never asked for a penny in return, either. But they don't call me 'Seamus the fence builder.'"
Seamus gulps his pint, and wipes the foam off his beard. "Do you see that football, boyo? On the mantle?"
The tourist nods.
"Forty years ago, I kicked that ball right into Liverpool's net. Won the game for our entire team. It was the proudest moment in Irish football history. But they don't call me 'Seamus the Footballer.'"
Seamus points to the floor. "You see that bear-skin rug?"
The tourist nods, again.
"If you look closely, you can still see where I stabbed 'im with a bottle opener. Tracked that monster for thirty days and thirty nights all through the countryside. He had me dead to rights near the end, but ol' Seamus got the last laugh. But aye... They don't call me 'Seamus the bear-hunter.' No..."
Seamus stands up, and stares out the window. "But you repost *one* joke..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc2a8g/a_tourist_walks_into_a_bar/
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I have a really great construction joke...

... but I haven’t finished it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc27tu/i_have_a_really_great_construction_joke/
%
What's a terrorists least favorite wine?

White Infidel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc24bc/whats_a_terrorists_least_favorite_wine/
%
What's the difference between your jokes and your penis?

Nobody laughs at your jokes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc22au/whats_the_difference_between_your_jokes_and_your/
%
[NSFW] A young man goes to his local pub and orders 3 large whiskies

The barman says "everything ok?"
The man drinks the first and says "yeah, I've just had my first blowjob."
And immediately drinks the second.
He picks up the third and says "it was a big one" and drinks the last of his drinks.
The barman says "Congratulations. I'll buy your next one."
The man says "don't bother. If the first three didn't take the taste away another one isn't likely to help either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc21jt/nsfw_a_young_man_goes_to_his_local_pub_and_orders/
%
It's nice to meet a girl in a park

But it's also nice to park meat in a girl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc1vpd/its_nice_to_meet_a_girl_in_a_park/
%
Two school girls are arguing, one preppy the other nerdy

The preppy girl says, “you’re just jealous because I’m a 10 and you’re not!”
The nerdy girl responds, “Yeah you’re a 10! On the pH scale, because you’re so BASIC!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc1r8s/two_school_girls_are_arguing_one_preppy_the_other/
%
What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped prison.

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc1pxz/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_who_just/
%
What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc1ph3/what_do_you_call_a_singing_laptop/
%
A particle gets pulled over. Cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Particle says "Yeah, but now I'm lost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc1jmj/a_particle_gets_pulled_over_cop_asks_do_you_know/
%
What's the difference between a hooker and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc1ird/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a/
%
A client told me he had some questions about carcinogens in his home

I told him I’d answer asbestos I can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc1hbv/a_client_told_me_he_had_some_questions_about/
%
What kind of bird doesn't have babies

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc1gpb/what_kind_of_bird_doesnt_have_babies/
%
A boy goes to confession:

"Forgive me father cause I have sinned. I masturbated while thinking at my naked sister."
"A sin indeed my son, especially when you have two such handsome brothers.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc1cuh/a_boy_goes_to_confession/
%
A black hole walks into a bar...

Bartender says "Oh not you again!"
"Yeah it's me, set me up"
"Usual light beer?" says the bartender.
"Of course, bring on the puns"
Lady at the bar "So your the famous blackhole we have been hearing so much about and that you know the answer to every joke"
Blackhole "Yeah well, nothing escapes me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc1cbm/a_black_hole_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do melons feel the need to get married in a church?

Because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc19vr/why_do_melons_feel_the_need_to_get_married_in_a/
%
My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!”

Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc19j8/my_girlfriend_shouted_at_me_are_you_even_listening/
%
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B when they met?

Wasabi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc12tl/what_did_sushi_a_say_to_sushi_b_when_they_met/
%
What do you call a prehistoric striped cat with a bluetooth headset?

A cybertoothed tiger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc1235/what_do_you_call_a_prehistoric_striped_cat_with_a/
%
Two men walk into a restaurant and sit down.

A very beautiful waitress comes to their table to serve them. The first man orders, then the woman looks to the second man.
“And what would you like?” she asks.
The man smiles at the server and answers: “A quickie.”
The waitress screws up her face in total disgust. “What did you just say?” she asks furiously.
The man smiles again and answers: “A quickie, please.”
The woman reaches over and slaps him across the face as hard as she can and storms away.
After a moment of silence between the two men, the first man leans over and whispers: “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc0yn3/two_men_walk_into_a_restaurant_and_sit_down/
%
A kiss makes my day

But anal makes my hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc0v65/a_kiss_makes_my_day/
%
Sometimes I tell everyone I'm going for a shit, then sneak off and wash my hair instead.

I have a sham-poo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc0syb/sometimes_i_tell_everyone_im_going_for_a_shit/
%
There are more people talking sh*t

Than any other language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc0raz/there_are_more_people_talking_sht/
%
My neighbour told me to stop changing my clothes near my window.

I asked him, "Why? I keep the curtains closed and the lights off."
He said, "I know that, I just think you should change inside of your house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc0qye/my_neighbour_told_me_to_stop_changing_my_clothes/
%
Why did it take scientists so long to get a picture of a black hole?

If they wanted a picture of something devouring all life force around them, they could have just asked for a picture of my mother in law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc0m3k/why_did_it_take_scientists_so_long_to_get_a/
%
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc0hfe/lawyers_should_never_ask_a_georgia_grandma_a/
%
Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc0e99/breaking_news_thieves_break_into_wig_factory/
%
I went vegan for a bit

It was a big missed steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc0cww/i_went_vegan_for_a_bit/
%
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc0bdl/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_wish_she_had_been_born_with/
%
Don’t be racist; be like mario

He’s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese,  speaks English, looks like Mexican, and grabs coins like a Jew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc054x/dont_be_racist_be_like_mario/
%
Whats the difference between a pickpocket and a pervert?

One snatches watches and the other watches snatches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc02j0/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
%
Sometimes I lightly run my finger in a circular motion around my lower face..

It’s called *a lip tickle*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc00yq/sometimes_i_lightly_run_my_finger_in_a_circular/
%
What is the difference between a jeweller and a jailor?

One sells watches and the other watches cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bc00vn/what_is_the_difference_between_a_jeweller_and_a/
%
'Non-Flammable' says one thing to me. . .

Challenge!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbzvct/nonflammable_says_one_thing_to_me/
%
wanna hear a story? once upon a time, a kid had a dolphin doll

fin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbzupc/wanna_hear_a_story_once_upon_a_time_a_kid_had_a/
%
A small church had a very attractive.. .

... big-busted organist named Linda.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
But she warned Linda not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the priest climbed into the pulpit and said,
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbzrwc/a_small_church_had_a_very_attractive/
%
There is one horrible disease vaccines have caused.

Anti-vaxxers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbzpgs/there_is_one_horrible_disease_vaccines_have_caused/
%
I’ve been on a diet for a fortnight

The only thing I’ve lost is 14 days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbzo83/ive_been_on_a_diet_for_a_fortnight/
%
Programmer: my dog ate my PC

Boss: ...
Programmer: it took him a couple bytes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbzo3j/programmer_my_dog_ate_my_pc/
%
How do you tell if there is a blind man at a nude beach?

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbznt9/how_do_you_tell_if_there_is_a_blind_man_at_a_nude/
%
Why was the dark chocolate crying over his glass of wine?

Because it was his bitter half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbzm61/why_was_the_dark_chocolate_crying_over_his_glass/
%
I don’t get all the hype about the picture of the black hole.

Black holes suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbzkd5/i_dont_get_all_the_hype_about_the_picture_of_the/
%
What has 18 arms, 11 legs and 34 hands?

A liar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbzfmd/what_has_18_arms_11_legs_and_34_hands/
%
An old woman walked into a bank with a huge bag of money.

She  told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the  bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist  objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went  inside the office.
She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!”
Bank president: "How can I help you madam?"
She (Old Lady): "I would like to open a new account and deposit this money."
He: "How much money do you like to deposit?"
She: "$180,000 Please." (Started dumping the whole amount on his table)
The bank president was a bit surprised. "How did you get this much cash Madam? We are not a laundering facility!"
She: "Oh, it's nothing illegal. I make bets."
He: "What kind of bets?"
She:  "For example, I bet you that your right hand will taste like eggs, just  your right hand and not your left. Lets meet again by tomorrow 9:00 AM.  If I'm right, you will owe me $25,000. If I lose, I'll pay you 10,000!"
The  man is shocked. How is that even possible? But he's a banker at heart  and this is easy money. so he accepts the bet almost immediately.
She: "Okay then, I'll come around 9:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer. Don't try to dodge the bet! No regrets!"
Feeling hesitant before her certainty, he mumbles his agreement.
It  was so bizarre, he didn't even like eggs! But he was so tense about it,  he couldn't sleep all night, licking his hands and smelling them to  make sure they smell normal.
The next day at 9:00 AM the old lady was there, right on time, with her witness.
She: "Can I check your hands now Sir?"
He: "Yes. Go ahead."
She held his hands and started sniffing his right hand. Then she licked it briefly to confirm.
Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall.
The  president, delighted with his $10,000 win and kicking himself for  worrying, asked the lady what was wrong with lawyer's strange behavior.
Lawyer: "She had a bet with me for $100,000. I can't believe I lost. She said she will be licking the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 9:00 AM today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbz7pc/an_old_woman_walked_into_a_bank_with_a_huge_bag/
%
I wrote a book about a papyrus plant

It's a good reed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbz5tl/i_wrote_a_book_about_a_papyrus_plant/
%
“Jesus loves you” is a great thing to hear in church...

It’s a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbz4y2/jesus_loves_you_is_a_great_thing_to_hear_in_church/
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A bear walks into a bar

in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
.........You're gonna love this.........
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar*****youate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbz3ar/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I tried that new Fortnight coffee.

It was two week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbyysj/i_tried_that_new_fortnight_coffee/
%
What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbyty6/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_a_dead/
%
There was an explosion at the cheese factory

There's De Brie everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbyqab/there_was_an_explosion_at_the_cheese_factory/
%
Man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers...

Succeeds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbyplp/man_enters_zoo_enclosure_to_feed_the_tigers/
%
Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace.  Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.
When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
As told to me by my Dad at dinner, every single time peas were served.
Miss you, Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbyjcb/do_you_know_how_to_catch_a_bear/
%
Al bragged about his home aquarium to a friend.

“I keep it super clean,” he said. “And my fish are always so darn happy.”
“How the heck can you tell your fish are happy?” his friend asked.
“Because,” Al replied, “they are always wagging their tails.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbydec/al_bragged_about_his_home_aquarium_to_a_friend/
%
In a long lost episode, Superman has a close shave with death because his cloak wasn’t the right size.

It was a narrow S cape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbycon/in_a_long_lost_episode_superman_has_a_close_shave/
%
I have a great joke about social anxiety.

Who am I kidding? You'll hate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bby6e7/i_have_a_great_joke_about_social_anxiety/
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The 3 step Chinese torture

A guy comes to a Chinese house in the middle of nowhere. Being late he ask to sleep in their house. The dad accepts but says: "If you sleep with my daughter I will use the 3 step Chinese torture on you!"
The guy accepts and enters the house. The daughter is stunning beautiful. Also she flirts a lot with him. He goes in the guest bedroom just to find her there. Of course he cannot control himself and things happens. After he falls asleep.
When he wakes up he sees a anvil on his chest. On the anvil: "First step in torture: Anvil on chest". The guy, strong as he was, throws the anvil through the window. When the anvil flies through the air he sees written on the bottom of the anvil: "Second step in torture: left ball chained to anvil". Being a fast thinker he jumps after the anvil.
He then sees a message on the ground: "Third step in torture: right ball chained to bed..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bby4d9/the_3_step_chinese_torture/
%
A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.
After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bby1p2/a_new_business_is_opening_and_one_of_the_owners/
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A wife is visiting her husband in a nursing home.

He sneezes, and for the first time in his life, covers his mouth with his hand. “I’m so proud of you,” his wife says. “You finally learned to put your hand in front of your mouth after all these years.”
“Of course I have,” her husband replies. “How else am I going to catch my teeth?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bby0r0/a_wife_is_visiting_her_husband_in_a_nursing_home/
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My boy asked me what the pictures from space were yesterday.

I told him they're black holes, son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bby0fd/my_boy_asked_me_what_the_pictures_from_space_were/
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President Obama goes to visit the Queen of England.

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama is warmly welcomed by the Queen. They are driven in a car to the edge of central London, where they get into a magnificent seventeenth-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on toward Buckingham Palace and wave to the crowds gathered to greet them. Suddenly the right rear horse lets out the loudest fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is awful and both passengers put handkerchiefs over their noses. The two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident. Because the smell lingers, the Queen feels she must say something. She turns to President Obama and says, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.”
Obama looks at her and replies, “Your Majesty, I completely understand. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bby02v/president_obama_goes_to_visit_the_queen_of_england/
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You know why I hate black holes?

They suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bby02i/you_know_why_i_hate_black_holes/
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A very successful lawyer buys a new Ferrari.

He parks in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too close and completely tears the door off of the driver’s side. The counselor immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up to take a report. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. His Ferrari, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally winds down from his ranting and raving, the officer shakes his head in disgust.
“I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he says. “All you care about is money and your possessions.”
The lawyer unleashes a stream of obscenities before the officer can calm him down. “Hear me out . . . see, you are so worried about your car, you didn’t even notice that the accident took off your left arm.”
“Oh my god!” screams the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxyui/a_very_successful_lawyer_buys_a_new_ferrari/
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A Black Guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder

WaW ,says the bartender, that is something really special where did you get it ?
Africa , says the parrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxybd/a_black_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_beautiful/
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Since i got fat, the only thing that goes down on me...

...is the computer chair in my office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxy2m/since_i_got_fat_the_only_thing_that_goes_down_on/
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Did you hear about the family that was so poor...

...that a burglar broke into their home and all he got was practice?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxxwv/did_you_hear_about_the_family_that_was_so_poor/
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A man goes on a job interview.

The interviewer tells him that they are looking to hire someone who is responsible. “Well, I’m your man,” the applicant replies. “At my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxxgk/a_man_goes_on_a_job_interview/
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My friend is addicted to taking blurry pictures of himself while he’s taking a shower.

He has some serious selfie steam issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxx8i/my_friend_is_addicted_to_taking_blurry_pictures/
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A man is on a cross-country trip when he picks up a hitchhiker.

During a lull in the conversation, the hitchhiker notices a brown paper bag resting in the center console. The driver notices his glance and says, “That’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”
The hitchhiker replies, “That’s a pretty good trade.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxuw9/a_man_is_on_a_crosscountry_trip_when_he_picks_up/
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A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other about luck....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxqwn/a_beer_bottle_a_mirror_and_a_condom_are_all/
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What did one wig ask the other wig before going to a vacation?

With which hairline are you flying with?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxq2e/what_did_one_wig_ask_the_other_wig_before_going/
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Firetruck

Boy: Let's play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do you play?
Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say "redlight" when you want me to stop.
Girl: Alright, let's play.
*Few seconds later*
Girl: REDLIGHT!!
Boy: Firetrucks don't stop for redlights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxq2a/firetruck/
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A man wakes up in a dingy slum

with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxow0/a_man_wakes_up_in_a_dingy_slum/
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Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”
The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxorp/two_men_are_drinking_at_a_bar_all_night_finally/
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A guy dies and wakes up on a beach.

Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxn5m/a_guy_dies_and_wakes_up_on_a_beach/
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Jack and the Blonde

Jack walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; I just didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxm8e/jack_and_the_blonde/
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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxlgp/a_flight_is_on_its_way_to_sydney_when_a_blonde_in/
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A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”

The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxk23/a_couple_is_sitting_on_the_porch_sipping_wine_the/
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Omg I just woke up from a horrible nightmare!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, just enjoying the water when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!
That's when I woke up and realized, it was just a fanta-sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxd6j/omg_i_just_woke_up_from_a_horrible_nightmare/
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Three men were about to cliff jump from this magical cliff

The first man told the other two about why it's a magical cliff " they say when you jump off if you yell what you want it will magically appear at the bottom of this cliff, replacing the water."
So the first man jumps off and yells "GOLD!" All of the water turned into gold coins, and the man died on impact.
The second man realizes the problem the first man had, so as he jumps he yells "A TON OF 100 DOLLAR BILLS" All of the gold coins turned into 100 dollar bills, which cushioned the mans fall a bit, breaking his legs but he survives, now rich.
As the third man was thinking of what he would wish for a strong gust of wind blows by and he loses his balance, yelling "OH SHIT" as he falls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbxcpm/three_men_were_about_to_cliff_jump_from_this/
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer...
And what about the same deer but frozen?
Still no eye deer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbx7t0/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
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My friend: What do you like the most in a girl?

Me: my dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbx6xj/my_friend_what_do_you_like_the_most_in_a_girl/
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I went on a date with a girl who's left breast was made out of timber!

....just kidding. That would be ridiculous.
Wooden tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbx5z6/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_girl_whos_left_breast_was/
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Why will you never starve in the desert?

Because of the sand which is there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbx5ff/why_will_you_never_starve_in_the_desert/
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I’ve been dating a little lately!

She hates when I call her that, but I’m not sure what else to call someone who is 4 feet tall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbwwig/ive_been_dating_a_little_lately/
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If Elon Musk released a line of fragrances they would probably call it..

Tesla for Men or something like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbwvhn/if_elon_musk_released_a_line_of_fragrances_they/
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My wife asked me if I am still taking photos of lost places

I said yes and showed her some photos of our bedroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbwtqd/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_am_still_taking_photos_of/
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What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors?

E-Reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbwt6r/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_chameleon_cant_change/
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Pitching a tent is a lot like sex

The pole goes in the hole and if you fuck it up it’s a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbwt4q/pitching_a_tent_is_a_lot_like_sex/
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The sad story of Stanislaw.

Nearing the end, Stanislaw is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, "I must tell you my greatest secret."
His family urges him to go on. "Before I got married, I had it all," Stanislaw explains. "Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, 'Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no-one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you are on your deathbed.' So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you now what?"
"What?"
"I'm not even thirsty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbwpty/the_sad_story_of_stanislaw/
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Gender isn't binary...

...but 011001110110010101101110011001000110010101110010 is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbwp7k/gender_isnt_binary/
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What's green and only appears once every 76 years?

Halley's Kermit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbwooa/whats_green_and_only_appears_once_every_76_years/
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Doctors in china don't ask if you want an abortion

They just ask if you want takeout or delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbwfki/doctors_in_china_dont_ask_if_you_want_an_abortion/
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God doesn't like fat people

That's why there's a stairway to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbwc96/god_doesnt_like_fat_people/
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Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know...

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside
and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for
some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all
the prostitutes.
When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow,
still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out,
rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbwaae/lulu_was_a_prostitute_but_she_didnt_want_her/
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I live in knowledge that no matter what I do, there is someone who will always remember me and follow me through my entire life.

The taxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbw7xz/i_live_in_knowledge_that_no_matter_what_i_do/
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What do you call someone who’s fed up with people?

A cannibal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbw7lw/what_do_you_call_someone_whos_fed_up_with_people/
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It’s amazing that we got a picture of a supermassive black hole 52 million light years away from us...

Maybe, one day we can get a full picture of your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbw7ga/its_amazing_that_we_got_a_picture_of_a/
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Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.
Among these beings were the selkies who frolicked at outcroppings on the shore. These creatures looked like seals in the water, but they shed their hides on land to reveal beautiful human forms underneath. The Norse chieftain Valbrand saw the prettiest female selkie, whose name was Eyfridh, and decided he wanted her for himself.
As Eyfridh slept on the beach at the edge of the forest, Valbrand snatched her sealskin and bundled it into a hidden bag. When she awoke, she saw that she couldn't return to the water, and she had no choice but to go home with the powerful chieftain before her.
They got married and had a son, who they named Asgeir. This son grew into a strapping young lad, but he noticed that his mother was never happy. She would sit on a rock at the beach and gaze longingly toward the horizon. Asgeir wondered why she was so forlorn, not realizing that she pined for her old home.
During her captivity, Eyfridh's only friend was a woman named Ginna, who regularly came down from the forest to keep Eyfridh company on the beach. Ginna was another of the island's mystical beings. From the front, she was every bit as lovely as Eyfridh. But when Ginna turned around to return to the woods, Eyfridh saw a furry tail swishing behind her and a back as hollow as a dead tree. Eyfridh decided to ask about this, and Ginna explained that she was a type of *vættir* called a huldra.
During this conversation, Eyfridh let slip that she herself wasn't human, and that Valbrand had captured her from the sea. Ginna was horrified at this. The next day, while the chieftain was leading a raid on a nearby island, Ginna slipped into his longhouse and observed the exact nook where Valbrand had hidden the sealskin. She reported this to Eyfridh, who vanished that night and was never seen again. The boy Asgeir missed his mother from then on, but he hoped she was somewhere that she could be happier.
Years later, when Asgeir was a man, he ventured through the forest and met Ginna. As a supernatural creature of the wild, the huldra had not aged a day, and she noted that Asgeir looked remarkably similar to her old friend Eyfridh. He explained that that was his mother, and asked if Ginna had any idea where Eyfridh had gone. Ginna explained that Eyfridh was a selkie who Valbrand had kidnapped and who had run away to return to her old home. Asgeir was shocked that his father would do something so cruel, but now he had context for why his mother had always been so sad. He took further comfort in knowing that she was indeed happier now.
Upon returning home, Asgeir realised that he'd taken a liking to the ethereally beautiful being he'd met. But he was concerned about wooing her because he didn't want to wrench her from her home like Valbrand had done to Eyfridh. Asgeir decided to go about courting Ginna more respectfully. He brought lunch to a clearing in the woods and called Ginna over to dine with him. That date went well, so they continued their courtship every day at noon. Eventually, they'd grown comfortable enough with each other that Asgeir invited Ginna to spend the night at the chieftain's longhouse. At supper, it took all of Ginna's self-control not to throttle the ageing chieftain Valbrand for what he'd done to her friend, but she stayed her hand because killing him would give Asgeir and the other mortals too much trouble.
Several years later, Asgeir and Ginna married and had a child of their own together, a daughter named Ingileif who strongly resembled her mother. Ingileif's parents never told her about her supernatural heritage. But Valbrand's thralls who cared for the girl passed down legends of the vættir and Aes Sídhe until the old chieftain died and Asgeir freed all his father's thralls. Eventually, once Ingileif had grown and Asgeir himself was beginning to age, he took his daughter to the shore and introduced her to her grandmother Eyfridh.
"Hello again, Mother," Asgeir called out to the sea. "I have grown now!"
A seal swam to the beach and shed its skin to reveal a human form. Looking on in amazement, Ingileif excitedly cried, "It's a selkie! The stories were true!"
Having never met Ingileif before, Eyfridh initially thought she was looking at her old friend Ginna. "How do you not recognise me?...Wait a minute, you *are* Ginna the hollow-backed huldra, right?"
Puzzled, Ingileif turned to her father and declared: "This Sídhe is bananas, I ain't no hollow back girl!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbw62o/centuries_ago_on_a_remote_island_in_the_north/
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Need advice. My best friend started dealing cocaine today.

He came home tonight bragging about his first blow job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbw4xx/need_advice_my_best_friend_started_dealing/
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I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbw4x7/i_keep_reading_nothing_but_black_hole_articles/
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I started dating...

I started dating a blind girl but after a while she broke it off. Apparently she couldn't see where the relationship was headed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbw33x/i_started_dating/
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A Lesbian just asked me for directions.

She got mad cause I said go straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbvvp1/a_lesbian_just_asked_me_for_directions/
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Yo mama's so fat

Scientists still can't get a picture of her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbvpdd/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbvb5h/what_lies_at_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_and_twitches/
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What’s green, fuzzy, has 4 legs and can kill you if it falls out a tree?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbvaq1/whats_green_fuzzy_has_4_legs_and_can_kill_you_if/
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I recently subscribed to a "Spice of the Month" club

The thyme has come today...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbv9jg/i_recently_subscribed_to_a_spice_of_the_month_club/
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My friend told me that he thinks pennies are not logical

I just don’t get it. They make perfect cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbv8rh/my_friend_told_me_that_he_thinks_pennies_are_not/
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A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I smell is MOLASSES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbv6va/a_mama_mole_a_papa_mole_and_a_baby_mole_all_live/
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What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbv692/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
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Whats heavier? 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

The answer is feathers.
If you have 200 pounds of bricks it’s just a pile of bricks. If you have 200 pounds of feathers, you also have to carry around what you did to those poor birds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbv3aq/whats_heavier_200_pounds_of_bricks_or_200_pounds/
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What do you call an unstable horse?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbuxm4/what_do_you_call_an_unstable_horse/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbuwvy/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high for her self portrait.

She looked extremely surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbuwgw/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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I'm getting so sick of these double standards...

Burn a body at a mortuary and 'you're doing your job', do it at home and you're "Destroying evidence"
P.s wasn't sure to post this to /r/jokes or /r/funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbus0j/im_getting_so_sick_of_these_double_standards/
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A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbujrn/a_blonde_woman_was_speeding_down_the_road_in_her/
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My girlfriend has a fetish for getting caught having sex, but I find it exhausting

I'm really getting tired of catching her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbui8u/my_girlfriend_has_a_fetish_for_getting_caught/
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Why didn't the rooster tell Dad Jokes?

He was afraid his kids would crack up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbudmx/why_didnt_the_rooster_tell_dad_jokes/
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A drugs squad officer stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."
The farmer said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.
The drugs squad officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me."
Reaching into his rear trouser pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear. Do you understand?"
The old farmer nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the drugs squad officer running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big ferocious-looking bull...
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The old farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted at the top of his lungs...
Your badge!! Show him your BADGE!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbucbk/a_drugs_squad_officer_stopped_at_a_farm_and/
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It's not original but I tried

Knock knock
Who's there
Hatch
Hatch who?
Bless you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbu7fj/its_not_original_but_i_tried/
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Actually true: a guy in Oregon called the police today because he thought he was being robbed. Turned out the noise was his just Roomba getting trapped.

Seriously, look up the story if you don't believe me.
Anyway, it was all fine in the end.  The alleged burglar made a clean getaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbu468/actually_true_a_guy_in_oregon_called_the_police/
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A man goes to a specialist concerning his son's troubling supernatural abilities....

"He keeps walking through the walls with zero regard to anyone's privacy. It's rude and disrespectful! Who knows what this will turn into when he's older?"
"Don't worry about it too much. It's just a phase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbtxg3/a_man_goes_to_a_specialist_concerning_his_sons/
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John and his buddy Dave are watching the game while their wives are chatting in the kitchen.

During a commercial break John mentions that he and his wife went to very nice restaurant the other day.
"That's nice, what was it called?" asks Dave
"I can't remember... What's the name of that flower?" says John
"Violet" Dave guesses
"no, the red one" says John
"Poppy" Dave guesses
"no, no the on with the thorns" says John
"Oh Rose!" exclaims Dave
"Thanks" says John, he turns over his shoulder and yells "Hey Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbtugb/john_and_his_buddy_dave_are_watching_the_game/
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What's the worst kind of car for an armed services member to get?

A KIA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbtie1/whats_the_worst_kind_of_car_for_an_armed_services/
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I think this is pretty well-known but people on this sub seem to like reposts so here y'all go:

Question on a university chemistry class midterm:
\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?  > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2.  If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.  The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbtfq0/i_think_this_is_pretty_wellknown_but_people_on/
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Badly formed wordplay is utter torture

Truly, you could say it is pun-ishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbtf5g/badly_formed_wordplay_is_utter_torture/
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I wonder what my grandparents did to fight boredom before the Internet.

I asked my parents and my 27 aunts and uncles...
They don't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbt96z/i_wonder_what_my_grandparents_did_to_fight/
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If a midget says your hair smells good..

It’s sexual harassment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbt8it/if_a_midget_says_your_hair_smells_good/
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What did one tampon say to another?

Nothing, they’re both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbt0pe/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_another/
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My parents taught me well

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL  DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock  you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case  you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about  BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in  this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE . "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbsry3/my_parents_taught_me_well/
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I have a great joke about HIPAA

but I cannot tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbsjmm/i_have_a_great_joke_about_hipaa/
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What do you call a lesbian with long nails?

Single

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbsih4/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_with_long_nails/
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It’s International Siblings Day today...

or as Alabama calls it, Father’s Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbsi7o/its_international_siblings_day_today/
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I told my psychiatrist I've been having nightmares about this massive void. I asked him, "What does it mean?"

He said, "It's nothing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbshbe/i_told_my_psychiatrist_ive_been_having_nightmares/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbsh1w/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbsg5l/before_every_barbecue_i_tell_myself_ill_eat/
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My wife left me yesterday, saying our relationship felt too much like work

I just wish she had given me two weeks of notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbscx1/my_wife_left_me_yesterday_saying_our_relationship/
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One day Canada will rule the world

Then everyone will be sorry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbsbez/one_day_canada_will_rule_the_world/
%
My girlfriend hates when I pee in the shower...

But if it's such a big deal, why doesn't she just get out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbs3vb/my_girlfriend_hates_when_i_pee_in_the_shower/
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My boyfriend found my stash of midget amputee porn and got extremely upset...

I don't see why. It was just a little armless fantasy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbrxmj/my_boyfriend_found_my_stash_of_midget_amputee/
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When you say the word poop

Your mouth makes the same motion as your butt. The same goes for explosive diarrhea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbrvt2/when_you_say_the_word_poop/
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What is Matthew McConaughey’s least favorite sport?

NASCAR.  It’s just all lefts, all lefts, all lefts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbrv31/what_is_matthew_mcconaugheys_least_favorite_sport/
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What was Jesus's least favorite band?

Nine Inch Nails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbrurh/what_was_jesuss_least_favorite_band/
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What do jokes about black holes have in common with black holes?

They suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbrub1/what_do_jokes_about_black_holes_have_in_common/
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Why don't black holes get good grades ?

They aren't bright enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbrsvi/why_dont_black_holes_get_good_grades/
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What happens in a black hole

stays in a black hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbrsmi/what_happens_in_a_black_hole/
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The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbrptr/the_new_image_shows_the_black_hole_having_bright/
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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbroto/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_my_very_first_day/
%
What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne waits until you’re 13 to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbrnif/what_is_the_difference_between_acne_and_a/
%
A guy dressed as a chicken on fire tried to break into my house.

If phoenix anything I'll be mad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbrk0u/a_guy_dressed_as_a_chicken_on_fire_tried_to_break/
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The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbrguq/the_pope_and_donald_trump_are_on_stage_in_front/
%
I hate Russian dolls

They're just so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbrelq/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike.

Unfortunately the result was unbearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbr9u7/scientists_modified_bears_dna_to_make_them_more/
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a good year and one was a great year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbr9ih/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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me: i'm terrified of random letters

therapist: you are?
me: [screams]
therapist: oh i see
me: [screaming intensifies]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbr927/me_im_terrified_of_random_letters/
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A man calls home to his brother while on a trip.

The man asks, "How's my cat?"
The brother says, "Right after you left, the cat got out, ran into the street and was killed by a passing car."
The man says, "that's a hard way to break that news to me. I wish you had prepared me for it instead of just blurting it out like that."
The brother asks, "What would you have wanted me to say?"
The man replies, "Well you could have space it a little at a time. The first day I call and you tell me "the cat's on the roof and we can't get her down." The next day, I call and you say "she's still up there and won't eat."  The third day I call and you tell me the cat died on the roof."
The man then asks "By the way, hows mom."
The brother says, "Mom's on the roof and we can't get her down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbr8tu/a_man_calls_home_to_his_brother_while_on_a_trip/
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[Dirty] Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbr7ni/dirty_why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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A joke for my granddaughter

My daughter had a baby girl yesterday and we live 1000 miles apart. I texted my daughter a first joke for the baby.
Me: Hey baby. Do you know why the chicken crossed the road?
Baby: Of course I know the answer to that old joke, Granny. Do you think I was born yesterday?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbr7ao/a_joke_for_my_granddaughter/
%
Why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Because she's thick and tired of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbr76p/why_should_you_never_make_fun_of_a_fat_girl_with/
%
How did the hipster burn his mouth from hot chocolate?

He drank it before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbr6vm/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth_from_hot/
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A man walks into a bar with a monkey on a leash

The bartender says “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow pets in here”
The man responds “Oh I’m blind, this little fella helps me see”
The bartender, a little confused, says “I’ve never heard of a seeing eye monkey before”
“They gave me a monkey?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbr4tz/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_monkey_on_a_leash/
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A horny American man gets sent to the desert for a job

The desert has a total population of 50 people. After a couple months of his "dry-spell", the man seeks to find out if there's a way to "get the job done" somewhere in the desert.
He asks the locals around and they guide him to the "PIMP with the Camel". He immediately runs up to the PIMP and expresses his desire to have sex. The PIMP tells him: "There's the camel on top of the hill, its 20 bucks for a blowjob, 50 for regular sex and with a 100 bucks, you can do anything you want for an hour. The man is skeptical at first, but he's so horny so he gives the man 100 bucks and runs up to the camel.
As he gets to the camel, he stands there confused, then proceeds to touch the camel around and trying to place his penis inside her. The camel reacts for the first 10 minutes, but after a while, the man manages to stick his penis inside the camel and starts to have intense sex with her.
The hour goes by and he returns to the PIMP all happy and smiley. "Bro, did you see how crazy that was?! I was hesitant at first but damn, the camel and I went CRAZY up there! Is she like that with everyone?"
PIMP: "Bro, I have no idea what you did with the camel, but the folks usually use the camel to get to the brothel down the hill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbqw8p/a_horny_american_man_gets_sent_to_the_desert_for/
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As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden

The plot thickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbqutu/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
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Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they’re worth it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbqto1/why_are_divorces_so_expensive/
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Its time for class, Ms. Smith noticed a few empty seats, 3 students were late.

"Good morning everyone, we have a new student to greet today, his name is Timmy, although he appears to be late."
Just then, Jen walks into class "sorry im late Ms. Smith, I lost track of time while blowing bubbles."
"That's okay Jen, just dont make a habit out of it okay?" Ms. Smith replied. "I wont"
About 5 minutes later Hannah walks into the classroom "sorry in late Ms. Smith, I lost track of time while blowing bubbles."
"That's okay Hannah, just dont make a habit out of it okay?" Ms. Smith replied. "I wont"
5 minutes after that, Timmy, the new student, walks in, and before he can apologize for being late Ms. Smith says "Welcome, you must be the new student, I'll excuse you for being late because its your first day here, why dont you stand infront of the class and introduce yourself."
So Timmy stands in front of the class and says "Hi everyone, I just moved here, my name is Timmy but all my friends call me Bubbles"
Edit - sleepy af grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbqr5x/its_time_for_class_ms_smith_noticed_a_few_empty/
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I’m getting tired of people saying that mods are gay.

I mean, what gay person would want to be compared to a mod?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbqlco/im_getting_tired_of_people_saying_that_mods_are/
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

“No-eye-deer”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbqjts/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
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What is the most dangerous thing that can happen in the kitchen?

A counter-attack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbqiww/what_is_the_most_dangerous_thing_that_can_happen/
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It's been said that Greece's greatest contributions to European society were the inventions of democracy and sodomy.

France is then generally given credit for slightly improving both of these ideas, by discovering that you could also involve women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbqa3u/its_been_said_that_greeces_greatest_contributions/
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If Apple made a hoover...

It would be the only product that wouldn’t suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbq9fu/if_apple_made_a_hoover/
%
How do you cook a monkey?

You gorilla it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbq5hv/how_do_you_cook_a_monkey/
%
Why does a French man only have one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un Oeuf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbq1rs/why_does_a_french_man_only_have_one_egg_for/
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My dad told me that colleges are cracking down on ghost-written essays...

I asked, “What about mummy-written essays?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbpyro/my_dad_told_me_that_colleges_are_cracking_down_on/
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Why are all of Nelson Mandela's shirts pink?

He refuses to separate the whites from the colours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbpskj/why_are_all_of_nelson_mandelas_shirts_pink/
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Dad, I lost five kilos...

That's great news, son.
Not according to my Colombian friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbprtt/dad_i_lost_five_kilos/
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Einstein dies and goes to heaven

He is informed upon arrival that his room is not yet ready.
"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it is the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others," the doorman, Clyde, tells him. Einstein says that is perfectly fine and there isn't any need for a big fuss. So, Clyde leads him to the dorm where Einstein is introduced to the current residents.
"Well, here is your first roommate, he has an IQ of 180!"
"Why that's splendid!" exclaims Einstein, "we can discuss literature!"
"And here is you second roommate, she has an IQ of 150!"
"What fun!" exclaims Einstein, "we can discuss mathematics!"
"Meet your third roommate, his IQ is 100!"
"Jolly good!" exclaims Einstein, "we can discuss the latest plays showing at the theatre!"
Just then another gentleman comes up to greet Einstein and shake his hand, "I'm your last roommate, and I wanted to apologize in advance, my IQ is only 80."
Einstein smiles back at him and inquires, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbprlx/einstein_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon...

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbpqri/a_woman_brought_a_very_limp_duck_to_a_veterinary/
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Studies show that 9 out of 10 Vegans have trouble with constipation.

Goes to show that what happens in Vegans, stays in Vegans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbpq99/studies_show_that_9_out_of_10_vegans_have_trouble/
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A black hole walks into a bar

The bartender asks, "Hey, would you like to buy anything?"
The black hole says, "No. I'm a light eater."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbpndz/a_black_hole_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do you make a glow worm happy?

Cut off its tail, it'll be de-lighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbpkxk/how_do_you_make_a_glow_worm_happy/
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Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.

They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor.
They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story.
For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200 one would tell a scary story, and for the last 200 one would tell a sad story.
This strategy worked well for the first 400 floors. It was now time for the last guy to tell a sad story. For the next 100 floors, the last guy tried his best to come up with a story that would move his friends to tears, when finally, he stopped on the stairs.
"Guys. I have a sad story now."
The others stop and face him.
"I left the keys in the lobby."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbpien/three_guys_are_staying_on_the_top_floor_of_a_600/
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I have just written the ultimate guide to masturbation.

It's a hands-on guide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbpewt/i_have_just_written_the_ultimate_guide_to/
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Wife: "I object to all this sex on the television!"

"I keep falling off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbpb46/wife_i_object_to_all_this_sex_on_the_television/
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How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbp794/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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Why did Cinderella get fired from the baseball team?

She kept running away from the ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbp5jy/why_did_cinderella_get_fired_from_the_baseball/
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What’s the difference between Batman and a robber?

Batman can go into a store without Robin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbp5dq/whats_the_difference_between_batman_and_a_robber/
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People say "Heaven's No!" and "Hell Yeah!" but what is there 'maybe'?

Purghaps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbozdf/people_say_heavens_no_and_hell_yeah_but_what_is/
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Two men are golfing

When one of them snickers and points to two men in a boat and says "Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bboulq/two_men_are_golfing/
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What happens when a cube breaks the law?

It goes to prism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bboqgp/what_happens_when_a_cube_breaks_the_law/
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Overweight people always seem to have a chip on their shoulder

And several in their laps and at the floor around their feet and chip crumbs around their mouth too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbopg8/overweight_people_always_seem_to_have_a_chip_on/
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I met a Jewish girl today , and she asked for my number

I told her we use names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbo8vz/i_met_a_jewish_girl_today_and_she_asked_for_my/
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Dad Jokes

... But everyone else cringes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbo8jx/dad_jokes/
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If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbo7ez/if_you_arent_impressed_with_the_picture_of_the/
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An Englishman meets a Welshman.....

Englishman: "Is that your dog?"
Welshman: "Yep"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman: "I mean he won't talk back but go ahead!!"
Englishman: "Hey Dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "I'm doing alright!!"
Welshman: (Shocked)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep!! He treats me real good walks me twice a day, feeds me amazing food, and takes me to the lake for a swim once a week!!"
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Well he definitely doesn't talk but you can try."
Englishman: "Hey Horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "I'm cool."
Welshman: (Completely shocked)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman again)
Horse: "Yep, he treats me well, rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me lean to protect me from the weather. Lovely fella!!"
Welshman: (Completely amazed) "I can't believe they could talk this whole time!!"
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheep is a fucking compulsive liar mate!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbo413/an_englishman_meets_a_welshman/
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Why did Kermit The Frog lift off a manhole cover and dive in?

He was kermitting sewercide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbo2oa/why_did_kermit_the_frog_lift_off_a_manhole_cover/
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Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbo2nc/be_careful_today_when_searching_giant_black_hole/
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It took 8 of the world's most powerful telescopes to take a picture of a black hole.

They could of just asked for a screenshot of my bank account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbnpjx/it_took_8_of_the_worlds_most_powerful_telescopes/
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Ninja goes to the doctor ...

Doctor says "I have good news and bad news."
Ninja says "Hmm. Ok, give me the bad news first."
Doctor says "We've run the tests and you're impotent."
Ninja gasps and says "Dammit! How will I pass on my legacy of stealth and subterfuge?!? How can there possibly be good news in that?!"
Doctor says "They'll never see you coming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbnidj/ninja_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
I'm considering hunting deer for a living

I hear its where all the big bucks are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbna4h/im_considering_hunting_deer_for_a_living/
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What martial art do monkeys do?

Flung Poo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbn35j/what_martial_art_do_monkeys_do/
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Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbmwik/five_germans_in_an_audi_quattro_arrive_at_the/
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Anthony Mundine thinks that people shouldn't vaccinate their children...

I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from someone who used to get punched in the head for a living.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbmumx/anthony_mundine_thinks_that_people_shouldnt/
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A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana.

The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
Credit to u/aham42

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbmqwk/a_man_owned_a_small_ranch_near_great_falls_montana/
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What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbmo68/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_up_his/
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My wife's favorite phrases are "walk it off" and "put some ice on it" whenever our kids fall down.

Or I get an erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbmbt0/my_wifes_favorite_phrases_are_walk_it_off_and_put/
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Why don't they teach sex education and driver's education on the same day in Iraqi schools?

It's too hard on the camel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbm8nx/why_dont_they_teach_sex_education_and_drivers/
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What did the dinosaur say while it was being compressed?

RAR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbm5xo/what_did_the_dinosaur_say_while_it_was_being/
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The first image of a Black Hole will be revealed today

it will pull everyone together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbm5d4/the_first_image_of_a_black_hole_will_be_revealed/
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Two old men are sitting on a park bench.

The first man takes a look into his friend’s ear and says, “Do you know you’ve got a suppository stuck in your ear?”
“Really?” says the first man. “I had no idea. But I guess that explains where I put my hearing aid.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbm56o/two_old_men_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
With the announcement of the first picture of a black hole, scientists have confirmed

once you go black you never do come back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbm0ox/with_the_announcement_of_the_first_picture_of_a/
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What do you call a baby turd?

A dumpling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bblxfa/what_do_you_call_a_baby_turd/
%
What did the the traffic light say to the car?

Stop looking at me while I’m changing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bblwq4/what_did_the_the_traffic_light_say_to_the_car/
%
Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”
A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”
Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?”
A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bblpjy/flying_across_the_country_in_air_force_one_the/
%
Maybe it's not global warming.

**Maybe it's just planetary menopause**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bblodl/maybe_its_not_global_warming/
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Why don’t politicians listen to their conscience?

They don’t like taking advice from complete strangers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bblocg/why_dont_politicians_listen_to_their_conscience/
%
A church puts an ad in the newspaper for a person to ring the bell in the belfry on Sunday mornings.

No one applies for the position except for a young man with no arms.
The church administrator isn’t sure he can handle the job, but the man climbs the tower and rings the bell using just his head. On his first Sunday on the job, the man gets a little too excited and hits the bell a little too hard with his melon. He falls from the belfry and lands on the church steps. Two parishioners late for services rush past him.
“Who was that guy?” the wife asks her husband as they enter the church.
“I’m not sure,” the husband replies, “but his face does ring a bell.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bblm9y/a_church_puts_an_ad_in_the_newspaper_for_a_person/
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If you have an insubordinate servant, break his left arm.

Then he'll serve you right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbliv5/if_you_have_an_insubordinate_servant_break_his/
%
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,

I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bblg98/when_i_drink_i_always_end_up_with_rosy_cheeks/
%
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question about the city.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops the car inches before it crashes through the front of a store window. Both men sit completely silent until the driver turns and says, “Look man, don’t ever do that to me again. You scared the crap out of me!”
The passenger apologizes and says, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replies, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. Before this I drove a hearse.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bblfx6/a_taxi_passenger_tapped_the_driver_on_the/
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A psychiatrist is going about his rounds one morning...

So a psychiatrist is going about his rounds through the institution one morning when he happens up to the door of his first patient. Peering through the little window, the doctor observes the patient standing as if he was a major league player swinging an imaginary bat.
The doctor gently raps on the glass and calls to his patient, "What are you doing?"
To which the patient replies, "Doc, when I get better and get out of here, I'm going to be a professional baseball player."
The doctor smiles and nods, "Good to hear. Glad to see you have a goal." the doctor moves on from the first window to the second one.
Peering into this window, he sees the patient with his hands together, pointed down as if he's got the putt of his life lined up. Again, the doctor knocks on the window and asks, "What are you doing?"
To which the patient replies, "Hey doc. When I get out of here, I just know it. I'm going to be a pro golfer."
The doctor smiles and nods, "That sounds wonderful. Keep at it." moving off to check in on his third patient.
Looking through the glass this time, the doctor lets out a startled gasp as this patient is laying naked on his bed with a trobbing erection on to which he has apparently balanced a peanut on the tip.
The doctor bangs hard on the glass, "What the hell are you doing?!"
To which he patient matter-of-factly replies, "Doc, I'm fucking nuts. I'm NEVER getting out of here..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bblfww/a_psychiatrist_is_going_about_his_rounds_one/
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What happens when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bblfvk/what_happens_when_you_mix_birth_control_and_lsd/
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Cat swimming

Okay so there was an English cat named one two three and a French cat named Un Duex Trois they decide to swim across the English channel.
Which cat lost?
The French cat because the Un Duex Trois Cat Sank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bble45/cat_swimming/
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I recently came into a large sum of money

Now it's all sticky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbldwu/i_recently_came_into_a_large_sum_of_money/
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I was going to make a joke about mumble rap

But you wouldn’t understand it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bblby1/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_mumble_rap/
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Why do dogs float in water?

Because they’re good buoys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbla3o/why_do_dogs_float_in_water/
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An English man, Scottish man and Irish man having a conversation about their daughters.

English man: I went in my daughter's bedroom today, when she was out and there are empty bottles of beer everywhere, under her bed, in her bed, and all over the floor. I didn't even know she drank beer...
Well said the Scottish man in my daughter's bed room I found empty cigarette packages, and cigarettes under her bed, in her bed,and all over the floor and I didn't even know she smoked...
That's nothing said the Irish man I when in my daughter's bedroom when she was out and found condoms in her bed, under her bed, and all over the floor and I didn't even know she had a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbl923/an_english_man_scottish_man_and_irish_man_having/
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I owe a lot to sidewalks

They've been keeping me off the streets for years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbl6yh/i_owe_a_lot_to_sidewalks/
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Sir Lancelot comes into a hotel...

... and makes a reservation for one night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbl5mx/sir_lancelot_comes_into_a_hotel/
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I went to a fancy new coffee shop today and ordered a cup

I took a sip and it tasted awful.
“This coffee tastes like mud!”
The barista replied, “well, it’s fresh ground”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbl4wj/i_went_to_a_fancy_new_coffee_shop_today_and/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman each placed a bid for a big government construction job.

"I'll do it for 30 million," said the Englishman. "How is that figure broken down?" asked the civil servant in charge of the scheme. "10 million for the labour, 10 million for the materials and 10 million for me," said the Englishman.
The Irishman was called in next and said, "I'll do the job for 60 million. That's 20 million for the labour, 20 million for the materials and 20 million for me."
"Right," said the Scotsman who found out the Englishman's bid. "My bid is for 90 million. That's 30 million for you, 30 million for me, and we'll give the other 30 million to the Englishman to do the job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbl3l7/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_each/
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A struggling artist stops by the studio where his recent work is hanging for sale.

The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.
“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass away. I told him they would double, possibly triple, in value. So he bought them all.”
“Whoa!” exclaims the artist. “That’s fantastic. What could be the bad news?”
“The guy is your doctor,” the owner says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbl2in/a_struggling_artist_stops_by_the_studio_where_his/
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What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a Sex Ed teacher?

One of them provides a hands-on experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbl1ju/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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What do you call a professional chef whose specialty is traditional Vietnamese dishes?

He’s the Pho King, boss!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkxlz/what_do_you_call_a_professional_chef_whose/
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Please don't tell the joke about rabies again..

Last time it went viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkx5t/please_dont_tell_the_joke_about_rabies_again/
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What happens when there's a fire at a whore house?

Some come out running,  others run out Cumming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkuue/what_happens_when_theres_a_fire_at_a_whore_house/
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What's the difference between a video game console and a glue factory

One's a Sony Playstation and the other's a pony slaystation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkudq/whats_the_difference_between_a_video_game_console/
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What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes : *Wack! "DANG!"
A skydiver goes: "DANG!" *WACK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbku7z/whats_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
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Its the bosses birthday at the bank.

Jim is blowing up some BIG balloons.
Sam comes over and notices the size.
"Whoah jim. No need for too much inflation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbksld/its_the_bosses_birthday_at_the_bank/
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What is it called when you screw a girl that's had 10 abortions.

A graveyard smash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkqb6/what_is_it_called_when_you_screw_a_girl_thats_had/
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What was the last thing that went through the sky diver's mind when his parachute failed?

His feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkpnq/what_was_the_last_thing_that_went_through_the_sky/
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How did the mathematician cure his constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkov9/how_did_the_mathematician_cure_his_constipation/
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The Mythical stone and the Guy [OC]

1. Our guy, who is a miner, woke up in the morning and went to work. He mined a lot but all he found was a spherical stone.
2. He went home and logged on to his PC to do research about this pebble. He found that his space-bar wasn't working, after opening the keyboard it turns out that there was a similar stone stuck beneath the space key.
3. Frustrated, he went back in the alley with his friends for tea. Before he finished drinking, he coughed out yet another stone which looked very similar. He asked for another tea.
4. Frightened, he started walking hastily until he tripped and fell down. He found another similar stone stuck in the sole of his shoe.
5. On his way home, he found a cat that was constantly raising its paw. The guy thought to himself, "Err, what's this?"
The cat raised its paw again, the guy said, "ERR!" loudly, threw a stone at the cat and ran away.
6. He returned home and got drunk. He tried to see what time it was but he was stoned.
Congratulations Thanos, you got 'em all!
1. Mined-stone.
2. Space-stone.
3. Re-alley-tea stone.
4. Sole-stone.
5. Paw-Err stone.
and
6. Time-stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbknq1/the_mythical_stone_and_the_guy_oc/
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What’s brown and sticky?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkng1/whats_brown_and_sticky/
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Two cows were talking in a paddock.

One cow said to the other, "what do you think about this mad cow disease?"
The other cow replied, "what would I care? I'm a tractor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkll5/two_cows_were_talking_in_a_paddock/
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My blind friend couldn't tell how many fingers I was holding up.

How senseless of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkjuk/my_blind_friend_couldnt_tell_how_many_fingers_i/
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I took my kid to the pet store, and he wanted to get a porcupine who had lost all its quills.

I said, “That seems pointless.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkhcy/i_took_my_kid_to_the_pet_store_and_he_wanted_to/
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Why do astronauts like this joke So Much?

Because     there's     So    much   Space    between the     words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkg5n/why_do_astronauts_like_this_joke_so_much/
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do you ever think lemons get jealous?

Of the limelight?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkfnr/do_you_ever_think_lemons_get_jealous/
%
A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane.

The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."
"No," she says, "I just want to sleep."
He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says if he gets it wrong he will pay her five hundred dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.
"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.
She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.
He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her, "So what is the answer?"
She hands him 5 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkeur/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_are_sitting_next_to_each/
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why do you never see Kylie Jenner's dad

cos he's a trans-parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkdss/why_do_you_never_see_kylie_jenners_dad/
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Always give 100% at work

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkcxe/always_give_100_at_work/
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What prize should the inventor of the knock knock jokes get?

The Nobell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbkc3k/what_prize_should_the_inventor_of_the_knock_knock/
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The floor is lava in 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1..

Ah forget it, you're just in bed anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbk2t1/the_floor_is_lava_in_5_4_3_2_1/
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I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbjyqy/i_asked_my_wife_to_dress_as_my_favourite_star/
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Boobs are like model trains

they’re made for the kids, but usually it’s the dads who end up playing with them the most

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbjxkr/boobs_are_like_model_trains/
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Why are gender equality officers always female?

Because theyre cheaper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbjptw/why_are_gender_equality_officers_always_female/
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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.
She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.
The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads *Nun shows entire county her ass*.
The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is *Nun offers her ass for £50*.
The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. *Nun desperate for someone to own her ass*.
A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. *Bishop loves nun's ass.*
The priest faints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbjp1r/a_nun_buys_a_donkey_and_enters_it_in_a_local/
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Little eddy

Little Eddy has really upset the girls at school.
After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out in protest.
Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?"
The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know".
The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain."
Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building.
The class remains quiet.
The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that?
Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish.
At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out.
Eddy looks around and says:
Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are not hiring yet, still waiting for final permit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbjncq/little_eddy/
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What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut you fucking racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbjnc4/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_in_space/
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Today I went past my old house.

I asked the couple who owned the place if I could look around for old times sake. They said ‘No” and told me to get out of their house.
Parents can be so mean sometimes!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbjc34/today_i_went_past_my_old_house/
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If the bigger your shoes, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick...

...then no wonder so many people are afraid of clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbj8zp/if_the_bigger_your_shoes_the_bigger_your_dick_and/
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You get three rings in marriage

Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbj7f4/you_get_three_rings_in_marriage/
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So there was this guy

, yeah?
He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.
Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."
Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"
Angel says, "Oh, you know... it's, um... your time."
Dude's like "Wait, you mean, like, time to die?!"
Angel's like, "Um... yeah! That."
Dude starts freakin' out, and he's all like, "No no, please no! Come on bro, I got a wife, I got kids, I got a life to live! I can't die yet!"
Angel says, "Look man, I feel for you. Really I do, but if They say it's your time, then I can't really do anything ab-"
Dude cuts him off all like, "Ah, come on bro, please... I'll take anything you got, I just don't want to die yet."
Angel thinks for a hot second, then says, "...alright man. I guess there is *one* thing I *can* do."
Dude's all like, "What is it!? I'll take anything, man."
Angel says, "Welp. It's been a while, and it's a little wonky, but..."
Angel clears his throat, continues, "...I can bring you back as either a dog, or a chicken. Best I can do."
Dude thinks about this in his head, "*well, if I'm a dog, I gotta be somebody's pet, or guard, or guide, or mystery meat. Nah, I don't want that. But hey, if I'm a chicken, I can chillax at some farm on the quiet countryside... yeah, that sounds more my speed."*
Dude's all like, "Well, if I have to choose one, I guess I choose to be the chicken."
Angel's all like, "alright, cool." and snaps his fingers.
POOF!
Dude is suddenly a chicken at some random farm, and sees a bunch of other chickens clucking around the farmyard.
Dude's all like, "Um.... hey, wassup everybody."
This random chicken (which I will, from here on, refer to as "Hype Chicken") is all like,
"WhAT! WHAt!?!?! We gOt a NEw chicKeN iN the cOOP!!!!!"
All the other chickens are all like, "WOOT!!!!"
Dude's like, "Um, yeah..."
He then points at himself and chuckles,
"So, yeah. First time being a chicken, so... what exactly am I supposed to do as a chicken?"
Hype chicken's all like, "dude, Dude. ALL you have to do as a chicken is, like, lay eggs. That's, like, it."
Dude's like, "Alright, cool. How exactly do I do that?"
Hype chicken's all like, "Dude, like, all you have to do is, like, push, and the egg will pop right out, yeah. You got this!"
Dude's all like, "K. I got this, here goes."
He pushes, and boom. Egg pops right out.
Hype chicken's all like, "woah, WHAt!?! WhAt!?!?!!?! DUDE. JUST. LAID. HIS. FIRST. EGG!!!!! WOOT!!!!!!!"
The rest of the chickens join in with a solid, "WOOT!!!!!!"
Hype chicken's like, "dude, DUDE. You should, like, totally go for your second one! Yeah? Yeah."
Dude's under pressure and everything, but still all like, "Alright, yeah, I gotchu fam. Here goes."
He pushes, and he pushes, and boom. Second egg pops right out.
Hype chicken flips out all like, "WoAh, wHAt?!?! whAAAAt?!?!?!!?!?!? DUDE JUST LAID HIS SECOND EGG!!!! wOooOOoT!!!!!
Hype chicken is joined the second time by the other chickens with a resounding, "WOOT!!!!!"
Hype chicken then abruptly goes silent, causing all the others to do to the same.
"Dude."
Hype chicken, with a look that portrays pride, hope, and determination, stands for a moment, and then quietly continues.
"Go for your THIRD."
The chickens make a circle, encompassing the dude and Hype chicken.
What begins as a soft whisper, escalates into mighty, unified shout with a thundering rhythm.
"third, Third, THird! THIrd! THIRd!, THIRD! THIRD!! THIRD!!!"
Dude doesn't want to let his new friends down, so he takes a deep breath, and stands tall.
He pushes,
And he pushes,
And he pushes,
And
Boom.
Third egg pops right out.
"WOOOOOOoooOOOOoooOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Hype chicken and the rest are fluttering everywhere, freaking out, and wooting like nobody's business.
Dude's just standing there.
Taking it all in.
He's feeling the love.
He's feeling the hype.
When, all of a sudden,
He hears a voice,
Screaming
In his ear.....
>!"AH, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, GEORGE.!<
>!QUIT CRAPPIN' THE BED!!!!!"!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbj1jh/so_there_was_this_guy/
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(bad joke) how to get laid

1. lay on bed
2. wait 2 hours
3. lay becomes a past tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbizvf/bad_joke_how_to_get_laid/
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What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out that it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbixbo/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_and_finding/
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My girlfriend turned vegan.

If you ask me, that's a big missed steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbivcg/my_girlfriend_turned_vegan/
%
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.

He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbitov/once_upon_a_time_a_mexican_magician_performed_in/
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Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

Because Dshells were too big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbitbu/why_did_the_little_mermaid_wear_seashells/
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I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.

It's a step by step guide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbiqop/i_have_just_written_a_book_on_how_to_fall_down_a/
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Two men golfing...

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go.
The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.
The first guy says, “What’s wrong?”
He says, “One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.”
The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.”
He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, “What’s wrong?”
The first guy says, “Small world.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbimhz/two_men_golfing/
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Why is Santa’s sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year. ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbii9p/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
I heard that BBC is making a prequel to Pride and Prejudice that follows the Bennet girls when they hit puberty

It's a period drama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbii8e/i_heard_that_bbc_is_making_a_prequel_to_pride_and/
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How do you turn a fox into a cow?

You marry it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbifm6/how_do_you_turn_a_fox_into_a_cow/
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Why do married men live so much longer than single men?

They don't - it just seems like so much longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbibb9/why_do_married_men_live_so_much_longer_than/
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While most puns make me feel numb,

mathematics puns make me feel number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbialt/while_most_puns_make_me_feel_numb/
%
My wife and I got in a fight because I lack sense of direction..

So I packed my bags and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbi5av/my_wife_and_i_got_in_a_fight_because_i_lack_sense/
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What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbi51k/what_do_pink_floyd_and_dale_earnhardt_have_in/
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A doctor prescribed testosterone for menopause symptoms...

..and he told his patient to call him immediately if she had any ill side effects. Two weeks later the patient called her doctor:
Patient: “Doc, I am having some weird side effects from the testosterone treatment.”
Doc: “What’s the problem?”
Patient: “ Well, I’m in the shower right now on my cell phone and I notice lots of thick hair on my upper chest.”
Doc: “Can you tell me how far down the hair extends?”
Patient: “Sure, let me put the phone down and check. (Picking up phone)..yeah, Doc, it appears to go all the way down to my balls.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbi4cb/a_doctor_prescribed_testosterone_for_menopause/
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbi30m/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon/
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I was joking around with my girlfriend the other day, and she asked me how she got 'such a hot boyfriend ;)'

So should I break up with her for cheating or...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbi1qd/i_was_joking_around_with_my_girlfriend_the_other/
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Having an unvaccinated kid is super expensive

I had to buy my 4-year old a convertible for his midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbhtgi/having_an_unvaccinated_kid_is_super_expensive/
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Arabic kid in Kindergarten

Teacher: Today class, we will be learning to write our full names!
Tony: Yay!
Sophie: Awesome!
Zaid al-Jafari al-Amal el-Bahri Mohammed Mustafa Ali Muhammed Miqdaam: Fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbhq0r/arabic_kid_in_kindergarten/
%
I love the way Earth rotates...

It really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbhp7x/i_love_the_way_earth_rotates/
%
A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.

He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.”
The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exclaims, “Aha! I got it!! It’s aunt. A-U-N-T!”
The Pope smiles and claps his hands. “Wonderful!! That must be it!! Thank you! One more thing my son, would you happen to have an eraser?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbhn73/a_guy_sits_on_a_plane_and_realizes_hes_sitting/
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A man is riding on a bus.

Highway patrol pulls the bus over and orders him to get down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbhkza/a_man_is_riding_on_a_bus/
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Theory vs Reality

A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality...
The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’.
After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’.
The father says ‘okay, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’.
After a short while the son comes down the stairs and says ‘father, I have spoken with my sister and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’.
The father says, there you have it son, that’s the difference between theory and reality.
In theory, we’re sitting on two million dollars.
In reality, we’re living with a couple of sluts .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbhbbk/theory_vs_reality/
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My first time posting here (I’m not gay I just thought this was funny)

So 4 guys are hanging out and one goes to take a massive shit.
The first guy says,”I’m so proud of my son, he owns a airport and gave his friend a airplane”
The second guy says,”Oh yeah, my son is better because he’s a car dealership and gave his friend a sweet car for free”
The third guy says,”My son is better than you guy’s sons combined because he is super rich and gave his friend a castle”
Then the fourth guy came out and the first three asked him about his son and the fourth guy says,”My son doesn’t do much, but he’s gay and gets support from his boyfriends”
The second guy says,”Well aren’t you a little ashamed of him?”, and the fourth guy responds,”HELL NO! His boyfriends gave him a fucking airplane, cool car, and a castle!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbh63d/my_first_time_posting_here_im_not_gay_i_just/
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Christian Drugs

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?"
"FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbh5jr/christian_drugs/
%
What do you call a person who watches over chickens?

A chicken tender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbh0dg/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_watches_over/
%
I don't get why so many people talk down on male pornstars

These men are hard at work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbgzkg/i_dont_get_why_so_many_people_talk_down_on_male/
%
Noah's Ark

God: Noah, it's time to build another boat.
Noah: Oh, OK, you’re the boss. Do you want the same again, animals, two by two?
God: Actually no. We forgot the fish last time so this time this will be just for the fish. Also, build it with more than one deck.
Noah: Big boat, only fish and several levels. Got it boss!
God: And another thing. Not just any fish. I want only Carp on the new boat.
Noah: So, let me get this right God, you want a "Multi Storey Carp Ark!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbgyf1/noahs_ark/
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I like you, in a plutonic way.

"Don't you mean 'platonic'?"
No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbgqj5/i_like_you_in_a_plutonic_way/
%
Menstruation jokes aren't funny

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbgq1f/menstruation_jokes_arent_funny/
%
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye

It always felt like she was seeing someone on the side though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbgks4/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
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A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s

I told him I knew a bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbgjbr/a_friend_asked_me_if_i_knew_anything_about_1s_and/
%
My wife likes to talk to me after sex

So everynight she calls me from a motel room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbgcqv/my_wife_likes_to_talk_to_me_after_sex/
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What happens when you give a politician viagra?

He gets taller!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbgar3/what_happens_when_you_give_a_politician_viagra/
%
Man’s wife is on life support and the only way to bring her back to normal is oral sex.

A man’s standing by his wife on life support as the doctor walks into the room.
“Sir, the only way you can get your wife back to normal is oral sex”
“Are you sure about that? That seems odd doesn’t it?”
“I’m afraid we looked at all the options and it’s the only way”
“For my wife, I’ll do anything doctor. Could you give us the room?”
The doctor leaves the room. Five minutes later the man comes rushing into the hallway.
“Hey Doc, I think she’s choking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbg90j/mans_wife_is_on_life_support_and_the_only_way_to/
%
Genghis Khan

If Genghis Khan got a divorce, could he be considered songle and ready to Mongol?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbg8so/genghis_khan/
%
I was plying Pokemon GO in the park the other day

The craze of Pokemon GO may well have died off for most people but I still love it and play all the time.
I was in my local park the other day when my absolute favourite Pokemon appeared!
It was over by a group of girls so i tried to contain my excitement so I didn't draw attention to myself and look stupid...but I couldn't help looking up from my phone over to where it was.
One of the girls noticed me and what i was doing. She stormed over and shouted 'What do you think you are doing you perv?!'
I tried to explain, 'I'm sorry I didn't mean to stare, I was just trying to get a Pikachu!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbg6k0/i_was_plying_pokemon_go_in_the_park_the_other_day/
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What do you do with a dismembered friend?

Remember them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbg4l5/what_do_you_do_with_a_dismembered_friend/
%
Why does the cast of the Avengers not know the full script of the movie yet?

The writers are trying to keep things Loki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbg3zj/why_does_the_cast_of_the_avengers_not_know_the/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money on the counter.

He asks the bartender, “what is that jar for?” The bartender replies, “its for a contest, the person who wins gets all the money. First you have to beat that guy up” and he points to a buff guy in the corner. “Then, I have a bulldog with a tooth that’s been killing him. You have to pull it out. Then, there’s a grandma who’s really horny. You have to go have sex with her.” So the guy goes over and beats up the swole dude and goes outside to the bulldog. There is a lot of growling and barking and yelping, but he comes back in and says, “ok, wheres the grandma with the bad tooth?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbg2xa/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_jar_of_money_on/
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My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbg18w/my_wife_asked_me_hey_can_you_give_examples_of/
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Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened  back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbfvu4/based_on_a_true_story_a_breeding_pair_of/
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make...

then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbfsoe/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
%
Want to hear a joke about paper?

Nevermind it’s tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbfpwv/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_paper/
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Will you marry me...

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbfobu/will_you_marry_me/
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What do you call a constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbfktx/what_do_you_call_a_constipated_detective/
%
What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbfdb1/what_is_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
%
Roses are red, violets are blue

Never gonna run around and *desert youuu*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbfaer/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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We meet a lot of people in our lives who must be treasured.

You know, locked up in a box and buried underground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbfaa6/we_meet_a_lot_of_people_in_our_lives_who_must_be/
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My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbf8le/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_took_her/
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What’s the difference between staring hard at someone, and homosexuals on camping trips?

One is an intense gaze, the other is gays in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbf7fm/whats_the_difference_between_staring_hard_at/
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All of this vegan activism just makes no sense.....

Normally they don't want no beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbf5ht/all_of_this_vegan_activism_just_makes_no_sense/
%
Guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey-coke.

Bartender asks if Pepsi is okay and guy says that's fine.
Bartender turns around to make the drink and when finished presents the drink and says "here's your pepsi-coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbf50v/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_whiskeycoke/
%
You're invited to my math party

Be there or b²

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbezrf/youre_invited_to_my_math_party/
%
There was a battle between a fork and a spoon at a kid’s birthday party.

The fork won, it was a piece of cake.
Happy cake day to me I guess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbeyk4/there_was_a_battle_between_a_fork_and_a_spoon_at/
%
A motivational speaker gave blood, what was his blood type?

B-Positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbewzc/a_motivational_speaker_gave_blood_what_was_his/
%
So my gig at the graveyard didn't go to well...

The crowd was pretty dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbewro/so_my_gig_at_the_graveyard_didnt_go_to_well/
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Why does some sushi have the rice on the inside of the seaweed wrap?

That's just how it rolls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbesaw/why_does_some_sushi_have_the_rice_on_the_inside/
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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did you get all of that money?”
She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”
The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”
The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”
“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”
The old lady replies, “Not everyone pays…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bberf7/a_cop_sees_an_old_woman_carrying_two_large_sacks/
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Homosexuality should not be accepted in a civilized society.

It is an abomination. "sexuality" has a Latin root and "homo" is Greek. Really the word should be ideosexuality!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bber56/homosexuality_should_not_be_accepted_in_a/
%
What comes after 15 sodium atoms?

Batman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbehjt/what_comes_after_15_sodium_atoms/
%
Why do old people read the bible so much?

They’re cramming for their finals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbeh9e/why_do_old_people_read_the_bible_so_much/
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The waiter gave me a ribeye that I didn’t order

It was a mis-steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbedun/the_waiter_gave_me_a_ribeye_that_i_didnt_order/
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A guy asks his grandmother...

"Granny, have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD". Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbeai1/a_guy_asks_his_grandmother/
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What currency do they use in space?

Star bucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbe8y6/what_currency_do_they_use_in_space/
%
The officer came and asked where I was between 5 and 6...

I said kindergarten

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbe80f/the_officer_came_and_asked_where_i_was_between_5/
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My dad told me he just got one of the best hearing aids money can buy.

So I asked him "what kind is it?"
He said "about 4:30".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdz4h/my_dad_told_me_he_just_got_one_of_the_best/
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Help! I spilled polish remover on a globe

Now there’s a hole in Europe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdwax/help_i_spilled_polish_remover_on_a_globe/
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Abortion

The only thing you can't joke about is abortion, because by definition, there is no delivery.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdvs9/abortion/
%
A man and a woman are riding a bus.

The woman looks over and notices the man's fly is open.
She tells him, "Sir, your store is open."
The man promptly zips his fly.
After a few moments he asks, "Did you happen to see the store's owner?"
The woman replies, "No, but I saw a drunk stocker laying on two sacks of flour"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdvgd/a_man_and_a_woman_are_riding_a_bus/
%
A man walked into a tattoo shop.

He asked the tattoo artist for a hundred dollar bill on his penis. The tattoo artist, curious about this request, asked the man why.  The man replied,
“Three reasons. I like to play with my money, I want to see my money grow if you know what I mean, and it seems the only thing my wife would blow right now are hundred dollar bills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdupm/a_man_walked_into_a_tattoo_shop/
%
What’s the difference between my refrigerator and my girlfriend?

My refrigerator doesn’t fart when I take my meat out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdtwg/whats_the_difference_between_my_refrigerator_and/
%
How do you turn tap water into holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdsi5/how_do_you_turn_tap_water_into_holy_water/
%
Why don't Native Americans like snow?

It's white and settles on their land

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdpx2/why_dont_native_americans_like_snow/
%
They say you are what you eat

No wonder cannibals are such dicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdo3k/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
Can anyone suggest a joke where <silence> is the punch? I have one...

People accuse me of not finishing my sentences. To those people I say...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdmnp/can_anyone_suggest_a_joke_where_silence_is_the/
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two leprechauns

2 leprechauns at a church in the middle of ireland. one stays outside laughing his ass off while the other goes inside to ask a question
"mother superior, are there any midget nuns here in the convent?"
"No I am sorry there are no midget nuns here"
"mother superior, are there any midget nuns here in Ireland?"
"no, I am sorry, there no midget nuns in Ireland"
The leprechaun looks out to his friend who is still laughing and asks one more question. "Are there any midget nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I am sorry. As far as I know there are no midget nuns anywhere in the world"
Dejected the leprechaun goes back out to his friend who finally composes himself enough to say "HA! I told you, you fucked a penguin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdjoj/two_leprechauns/
%
What’s the difference between light and dark soy sauce?

I asked Alexa, what’s the difference between light and dark soy sauce?
Dark soy sauce is used in Chinese cooking to add colour and flavour to dishes. Light is an electromagnetic radiation within a certain portion of the electro magnetic spectrum.
Thanks Alexa - you’re not technically wrong....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdjb3/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_dark_soy/
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A brothel opened on the 2nd floor...

Within a couple months the shop below it, on the 1rst floor, had to close.
When the shopkeeper was asked why he had to close up, he lamented that “there was too much fucking overhead”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdaz6/a_brothel_opened_on_the_2nd_floor/
%
A Glaswegian is standing in a bus queue eating a meat pie and chips, and this little yappy dog keeps jumping up at him and begging.

So he says to the lady that's got the dog, "Hey there, is it OK if I throw your dog a bit?"
And when she says "Yes," he picks the dog up by the scruff and yeets the fucker thirty yards up the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdaqq/a_glaswegian_is_standing_in_a_bus_queue_eating_a/
%
A Grizzly bear walks into a bar

The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"
The bear replies, "I'll have a..................         .........    ................ beer please."
The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
The Grizzly bear responds, "I don't know, I was born with them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbdak2/a_grizzly_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbd824/two_angels_run_out_of_weed/
%
What's it called when transgender midgets have sex?

Micro-transactions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbd5f0/whats_it_called_when_transgender_midgets_have_sex/
%
Ole and Lena want to join the local church

So they go meet the pastor.  The pastor says “This church very high standards for our members.  In order for me to accept you as new members, you will have to prove you are worthy by abstaining from sex for 30 days”.
Ole and Lena look at each other and said “Ya, sure,  vee vill give it a try”
30 days go by and Ole and Lena meet with the pastor again.   Pastor asks “so, Ole and Lena, how did you do abstaining from sex for 30 days?”
Ole says “Vell, vee were doin pretty gud until ‘bout day 28.  Lena was bending over to pick up a sack of potatoes,  and I just couldn’t take it no more, I had to have her right then and there”
The pastor says “I’m sorry to hear that.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to welcome you into our church at this time”
Ole nods his head solemnly and says “yah, they won’t let us back into the grocery store no more, needer”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbd30h/ole_and_lena_want_to_join_the_local_church/
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To all you Islamophobes, not all Muslims are terrorists!

Some are under training

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbd0jp/to_all_you_islamophobes_not_all_muslims_are/
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I was really not of fan of body hair.

It's grown on me, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbcz2l/i_was_really_not_of_fan_of_body_hair/
%
A cowboy was out riding his horse when he was captured by 3 Indians

The Indians tell him, "We'll give you three wishes before we kill you." The cowboy says, "Okay, well I gotta talk to my horse." So the cowboy whispers in his horse's ear and off runs the horse, through the creek and up the hill and out of sight. Shortly the horse returns with a beautiful naked redhead on its back. The cowboy takes her behind a tree and fucks her like it's gonna be his last time. And off goes the redhead.
The Indians tell him, "Two more wishes." The cowboy says, "I dont know, I gotta talk to my horse." So the cowboy, once more, whispers into his horses ear and off runs the horse, through the creek and up the hill and out sight. About a half hour later, the horse returns with a beautiful naked blonde astride its back. The cowboy shakes his head, takes the blonde behind the tree and once more gives her his all. And the blonde runs off.
The Indians inform him, "One more wish." The cowboy grabs his horse by its ears and looks it directly in the eye and says out loud, "I said POSSE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbcwjx/a_cowboy_was_out_riding_his_horse_when_he_was/
%
Two men standing on opposite sides of a windmill disagree about which way the blades are spinning.

The man in front insists they’re going clockwise. The man behind says no, it’s obvious they’re going counter-clockwise. After a while, they agree to look at it from each other’s perspective. They realize that they were both right, it’s all a matter of perspective.
The moral of the story is they both died of windmill cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbcwac/two_men_standing_on_opposite_sides_of_a_windmill/
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Did you hear about the fight between the speed addict and Mike Tyson?

They were both pretty methed up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbcv8c/did_you_hear_about_the_fight_between_the_speed/
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My dog ate my computer science project

"your dog ate your coding assignment?"
It took him a couple bytes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbcqrq/my_dog_ate_my_computer_science_project/
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TV Show Pitch: 30 Unvaccinated Kids Live in a House Together

We'll call it Survivor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbcpaw/tv_show_pitch_30_unvaccinated_kids_live_in_a/
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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“Well” Eddie said, “ I think you should try mine.” pulling out a shiny green apple. “Take a bite of this!”
The patent officer, being a tempered man by nature, reluctantly took the apple from Eddie’s hand and cautiously took a bite. His eyes slowly widened giving way to an expression of confusion.  “This tastes like kiwi.”
Eddie giving a knowing nod, points and says,  “Take a bite out of the other side.”
Bob slowly turns the apple over and takes another bite. Again his eyes widen, “It tastes like strawberry!”
“Yes sir!” Eddie emphatically affirms. “Here. try another one”, handing another apple for the patent officer to try. Sure enough, Bobs confusion began to give way to incredulity as he took a bite of an apple that tasted like banana.
“Turn it over” replies Eddie.
“It tastes like watermelon!”Bob leans back in his chair,” How do you do this?” Bob said, his furrowed brow and slight tilt of his head indicating his curiosity was piqued.
Eddie smiles, “Try this one”
Another bite and Bob is surprised again. “Cantaloupe?“
“Try the other side!” Eddie laughed.
“Honey dew? You may really be on to something here.“ Bob admits, turning the apple slowly with his fingertips,
“Well that’s nothing”. Eddie winks, leaning in as if telling a secret ”I’ve got one that tastes like pussy.
“What!?” Bob is incredulous as he quickly leans forward and glances around the office to see if anyone else heard his reaction. He leans in a bit more, and says with a lowered voice, “That’s one I’d like to try”.
Eddie hands him a shiny red apple. Bob, (who’s prudish wife of 23 yrs. would never allow such savagery) raises the Apple slowly up to his mouth, his deepest fantasies finally coming to fruition. The anticipation of the crisp crunch of the apple and the taste of “forbidden” juices flowing in his mouth and down his chin...he felt a primal rush, tilting his head back, closing his eyes, biting deeply, passionately, into the apple. Within a split second his head rocks forward, eyes popping open and he quickly spit out the chunk of apple in total disgust. “Blehhhhk.” Bob gags, hurriedly wiping his sleeve across his chin and glaring at Eddie. “That tastes like shit!!!”
Eddie, gesturing with his hand, excitedly responds, “Right!Turn it over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbcksh/the_apple_of_your_dreams/
%
I would tell you an economics joke.

But I don't think there is enough demand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbck4w/i_would_tell_you_an_economics_joke/
%
Police officer: Whose car is this? Where are you going? What do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbcift/police_officer_whose_car_is_this_where_are_you/
%
"My wife went on vacation."

"Jamaica?"
"No, she went of her own accord."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbcfk6/my_wife_went_on_vacation/
%
What's the best part of being married?

You will never be alone.
What's the worst part?
You will never be alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbcame/whats_the_best_part_of_being_married/
%
If someone stole your favorite hair piece.

What is the price you are willing toupee to get it back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbc0w2/if_someone_stole_your_favorite_hair_piece/
%
A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.
“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”
“My wife.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbbyg4/a_man_was_staggering_home_drunk_in_the_early/
%
My doctor said i have an auto-immune disease.

So can anybody suggest a good manual car?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbbwet/my_doctor_said_i_have_an_autoimmune_disease/
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Me and my friends have achieved the level of Led Zeppelin's members in musicianship.

The drummer plays the drums like Jimmy Page, the guitarist plays the guitar like John Bonham, the bassist plays the bass like Robert Plant and I sing like John Paul Jones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbbtuu/me_and_my_friends_have_achieved_the_level_of_led/
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An English teacher has volunteered to educate prisoners at a local prison.

Teahcer: "can you tell me please, what comes after every sentence?"
One of the prisoners then responds with;
"that's easy. Parole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbbkmk/an_english_teacher_has_volunteered_to_educate/
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Why did the rooster go to KFC?

To see a chicken strip!
(Anyone else hear a rimshot?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbbjx3/why_did_the_rooster_go_to_kfc/
%
My wife asked me if she’s the only one I’ve been with...

I said yes, all the others were 9s and 10s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbbi7e/my_wife_asked_me_if_shes_the_only_one_ive_been/
%
A woman sees a uniformed man in a bar.

She introduces herself, and asks if he likes to drink. He smiles, and replies "I don't think you've ever met a Royal Navy officer before."
She buys him a drink, and remarks that he probably gets all the girls. He smiles, and replies "I don't think you've ever met a Royal Navy officer before."
She has several more with him, and asks if he still has the stamina to share a room with her. He smiles, and replies "I don't think you've ever met a Royal Navy officer before."
It's at that moment that another uniformed man comes over. He enquiries as to who the woman is, and is told "she's been buying me drinks and flirting with me all night." The second man laughs, kisses the first passionately, and says "I don't think she's ever met a Royal Navy officer before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbbfs4/a_woman_sees_a_uniformed_man_in_a_bar/
%
I was taking a driving lesson

I asked my instructor if, upon seeing a small animal jumping out in front of me, I should slam the brake. He told me that if an animal jumps out, I have to just hit it...
I chased that squirrel through four fields and a barn before I got him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbbca9/i_was_taking_a_driving_lesson/
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Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

They are believed to be the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Rocher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbbbd5/archaeologists_in_egypt_have_unearthed_a_tomb/
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How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbb9y4/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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A man walks into a bar...

And loses the national limbo championship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbb9mw/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
When Einstein Speaks

He equals emcee square.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbb87f/when_einstein_speaks/
%
What do 9/11 jokes and planes that fly over New York have in common?

They don't always land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbb4sl/what_do_911_jokes_and_planes_that_fly_over_new/
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Teacher: Class, who can use the word “definitely” in a sentence?

Teacher: Class, who can use the word “definitely” in a sentence...
Students:...
**Student A:** The Grass is DEFINITELY green!
**Teacher:** Well, not exactly. There’s blue grass, and when the grass gets burnt it turns brown. So, try again.
**Student B:** The Sky is DEFINITELY blue!
**Teacher:** Well, again, not exactly. Sometimes the sky turns red, or pink, and even black at night time so I’m afraid we’ll have to try again.
Is there anyone else who can use the word “Definitely” correctly?
**Student C:** First, I have a question.
**Teacher:** Okay, go ahead.
**Student C:** Do farts have lumps in them?
**Teacher:** Umm, no they don’t.
Student C: Well then I **DEFINITELY** shit myself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbb2jz/teacher_class_who_can_use_the_word_definitely_in/
%
I have a plan to become Rich...

First I just need money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbb19e/i_have_a_plan_to_become_rich/
%
I once lost a raffle where the prize was the entire mall of Georgia.

I guess you can't win a mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbb0tk/i_once_lost_a_raffle_where_the_prize_was_the/
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I am such an idiot.

I took a date to the movies the other night. When the message came up on the screen to silence our cell phones, my date looked frustrated. She stood up and started to leave.
I said, "What's wrong? You can't sit through a movie without your phone on?"
"No," she said, "I left it in the car!"
Man, did I feel stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbauhm/i_am_such_an_idiot/
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[NSFW] The nun and the pervert

Jeff was on his morning commute when a beautiful young nun walked on. He couldn't help himself and began trying to flirt with the nun, who just sat there in silence and got off at the next stop.
The bus driver overheard Jeff's attempts and decided to let him in on a secret.
"She prays at the cemetery every night at midnight. So what you do is..."
The bus driver's plan was perfect. Jeff would dress up as an angel, and when the nun went to pray at the cemetary he would jump out and tell her God wanted them to have sex.
So jeff went to the cemetary and sure enough around midnight, he saw the silhouette of a nun walk in and kneel by one of the gravestones. He jumped out at her and said,
"The lord has sent me here because he wants you to experience sex."
The nun was bewildered at first but then replied,
"Alright, but can we do anal so that I keep my virginity?"
Jeff agreed and they started going at it. A few minutes in, Jeff couldn't contain his excitement, ripped off his angel mask and said,
"Haha! I'm actually the guy from the bus earlier today!"
Then the nun turned to him, ripped off her mask and said,
"Haha! I'm actually the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbat83/nsfw_the_nun_and_the_pervert/
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How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbasmq/how_can_you_tell_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
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My friend jumped out of a 30 story building

Luckily he was on the first floor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbaig9/my_friend_jumped_out_of_a_30_story_building/
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Last year I asked my dad what his favorite dad joke was.

He looked at me and said, “you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbagd1/last_year_i_asked_my_dad_what_his_favorite_dad/
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Never Challenge Death to a Pillow Fight

unless you are prepared for the reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbae0m/never_challenge_death_to_a_pillow_fight/
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-Doctor, i don't want to vaccinate my kids, what should i do?

-Don't get too emotionally attached

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bbadyw/doctor_i_dont_want_to_vaccinate_my_kids_what/
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Religious Cowboy

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the duck's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the duck. "Your name is written inside the cover."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bba6pd/religious_cowboy/
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So there I was, staring at Medusa's boobs when she said "HEY! My eyes are up here buddy!"...

But I was already rock hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bba42j/so_there_i_was_staring_at_medusas_boobs_when_she/
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Oh dear!

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb9ujs/oh_dear/
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Whats the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?

Usain Bolt can actually finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb9sgh/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_usain_bolt/
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A man was trapped on his houses roof after his home town was flooded

a man in a row boat approached his house and said "hope in i will take you to safety"
the man declined and said "god will save me"
a short while later a man in a yacht came by and told the man to climb aboard to safety
again the man declined with the answer that god will save him
the water continued to rise and eventually a rescue helicopter showed up
the man again refused to be rescued stating that god will surely save him.
the man drowned and as he entered the gates of heaven he spoke to god and asked why he didnt save him?
god replied "you turned down the boat, yact and helicopter i sent you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb9qfo/a_man_was_trapped_on_his_houses_roof_after_his/
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My doctor is a very big liar.

He told me I had an auto-immune disease.
Well guess what?
I got hit by a car and that still hurt like hell and left me with multiple fractures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb9oy9/my_doctor_is_a_very_big_liar/
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Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?

But most only have four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb91hm/did_you_know_alligators_can_grow_up_to_18_feet/
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Bill signs up for an online dating app...

...and in a desperate and hasty attempt to hook up with woman, he accidentally sets his preference to men. To Bills' suprise, he receive's a 100% match with a man named Josh. In fear that Bill would hurt Josh's feelings by rejecting him, Bill goes on a date with Josh at a local restaurant. They hit it off immediately and Bill offers to drive Josh home. On Josh's doorstep during the usual time that a couple would kiss after a date, Bill panics: "Agh I'm so sorry, I'm not actually gay! I just don't know how to use the dating app!" And Josh replies: "Oh thank God... Me either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb90b1/bill_signs_up_for_an_online_dating_app/
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During a job interview, they asked if I could perform under pressure

I hope they liked Bohemian Rhapsody instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb8yo9/during_a_job_interview_they_asked_if_i_could/
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Heres my first try at this

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, Jack looks different from the others. **Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"**
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."
The husband says "Who is his father?"
The wife says **"You are."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb8qgr/heres_my_first_try_at_this/
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I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, "Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?"

I said, "What are the options?"
She said, "Yes and No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb8q03/i_was_on_a_flight_the_other_day_when_the_air/
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A group of friends went deer hunting.

They decided to separate into pairs for the day to cover more ground. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. The rest of the group helped him as he dropped the buck, before looking around.
“Where’s Harry?” asked one of the other hunters.
“He fainted a couple of kilometers up the trail,” Harry’s partner answered.
The rest of the group looked shocked, saying: “You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?”
“It was a tough decision,” said the hunter seriously. “But I figured no one is going to steal Harry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb8l8n/a_group_of_friends_went_deer_hunting/
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I went to go see a medium

After meeting her I’d say she’s more of a large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb8i66/i_went_to_go_see_a_medium/
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I bumped into a cross eyed guy the other day.

He said, "You need to look where your going."
I replied, "You need to go where your looking sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb8bve/i_bumped_into_a_cross_eyed_guy_the_other_day/
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Little Johnny asked his teacher, "should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?"

"Well if you really didn't do it, I think not," said the teacher.
"Well good," little Johnny replied, "because I didn't do my homework."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb85ai/little_johnny_asked_his_teacher_should_i_get_in/
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What did the dyslexic astrophysicist say to the civil rights activist?

Black Matter Lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb83vc/what_did_the_dyslexic_astrophysicist_say_to_the/
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When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend

but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb803v/when_i_was_a_kid_i_thought_i_had_a_chinese_friend/
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An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.

****Long Post ahead but You will definitely smile at the end! :)****
She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.
She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!”
He (President): How can I help you madam?
She (Old Lady): I would like to open a new account and deposit this money.
He: How much money do you like to deposit?
She: $180,000 Please (Started dumping the whole amount on his table)
He(Surprised): How did you get this much money Madam?
She: I make bets!
He: What kind of bets?
She: For example, I bet you that your right hand will be very much shorter than your left hand by tomorrow 10:00 AM for $25,000.
He(Shocked): How is that even possible? Anyway, I accept your bet!
She: Okay then, I ll come around by 10:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer as a witness?
He: Yes, Sure :)
He was up all night long tensed, he was checking his hands often.
The next day 10:00 AM......
She: Can I check your hands now Sir?
He: Yes.
She held his hands and started checking!
Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall!
The president was shocked and asked why!
Lawyer: She had a bet with me for $100,000 saying she will be holding the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 10:00 AM today!
The lady who knows how to bet! :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb7wjh/an_old_lady_walked_into_the_bank_of_america_with/
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What did H say 2 O?

Wat 'er we doing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb7u5w/what_did_h_say_2_o/
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A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died...

She is sadly mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb7svn/a_good_friend_of_mine_fell_into_a_vaporiser_and/
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My girlfriend embarrasses me

We were at mcdonalds and she asks me to buy her something so she kisses me and says “youre the best brother ever”. The look on the cashiers face was disgusted. I know im the best brother but why does she have to tell everyone?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb7nrd/my_girlfriend_embarrasses_me/
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I like to talk about the Titanic whenever i meet someone new

To break the ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb7nb4/i_like_to_talk_about_the_titanic_whenever_i_meet/
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Kermit's $30,000 loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, because he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office!
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
There she stands with this little pink porcelain elephant asking the bank manager about a loan to Kermit Jagger (who is a frog and claims that Mick Jagger the singer in the Rolling Stones is his father). And that little green reptile wants a $30,000.00 loan!!!
So Patty repeats her question: “What in the world is this thing that the little reptile wants to use as collateral?”
(Get ready for this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb7mo6/kermits_30000_loan/
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My sister bet me 15$ that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should of seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb7jah/my_sister_bet_me_15_that_i_couldnt_build_a_car/
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Why do programmers and coders hate nature?

It has too many bugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb7h27/why_do_programmers_and_coders_hate_nature/
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If 666 is the devils number

Does that mean 25.8 is the root of all evil?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb7gj0/if_666_is_the_devils_number/
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A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel and are standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager comes out of the office and asks them to disperse.
“But why?” they ask, as they move off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb7d54/a_group_of_chess_enthusiasts_check_into_a_hotel/
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Grammar is bringing dessert.

The synonym rolls are amazing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb7bqn/grammar_is_bringing_dessert/
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I just met a guy in the supermarket who really reminded me of Elvis.

He walked up to me and said ‘don’t you fucking DARE forget about Elvis’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb79p7/i_just_met_a_guy_in_the_supermarket_who_really/
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I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “
Gas, water and electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb79br/i_told_my_boss_that_three_companies_were_after_me/
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Dang millennials.

Walking around like they rent the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb7572/dang_millennials/
%
At the movie theater, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row.

“Excuse me,” she says, “but did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?”
“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology.
“Oh good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb73xe/at_the_movie_theater_a_girl_returning_to_her_seat/
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What’s Owen Wilson’s favourite Role Playing Game?

WoW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6zw8/whats_owen_wilsons_favourite_role_playing_game/
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Don't trust atoms

They make everything up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6ygt/dont_trust_atoms/
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In the early 1980’s

I once crashed my bike and skinned my elbow and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because we didn’t have social media back then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6yfa/in_the_early_1980s/
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How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6wvj/how_was_the_roman_empire_cut_in_half/
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Two friends are talking on the day after St. Patrick’s Day. “I had a crazy night,” the first friend says.

“I got really drunk at the bar and, you’re never going to believe this, I took a bus home.”
“How’s that a big deal?” his friend asks.
“Well,” the first friend explains, “up until yesterday I’d never driven a bus before.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6v4x/two_friends_are_talking_on_the_day_after_st/
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What do you call someone who proofread Hitler's speeches?

A real Grammer nazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6usd/what_do_you_call_someone_who_proofread_hitlers/
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A man was giving a talk on the occult

He asked the crowd if anyone had danced with a spirit?, no one answered, he then asked if anyone had kissed a demon?, no one answered, he then asked if anyone had ever had sex with a ghost? This time an old hillbilly in back raised his hand and the man said “sir please stand up and tell us about the sex you had with a ghost” and the old hillbilly said GHOST?, I thought you said GOAT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6suk/a_man_was_giving_a_talk_on_the_occult/
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Why is it difficult to borrow money from a leprechaun?

Because he’s always a little short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6ojn/why_is_it_difficult_to_borrow_money_from_a/
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There was once a little boy

For his 2nd birthday he was given a little tractor with pedals. He loved it so much that it started an obsession with tractors.
By his fourth birthday, he already had 30 tractors of different sizes and colours.
As soon as he learnt how to read, he started filling his shelves in his bedroom with books about tractors. Harry Ferguson was his hero. He knew everything about his life and the tractors he invented.
His room had become a temple dedicated to tractors. Carpet, duvet, cushions, lamp, curtain, posters: everything was covered with tractors.
For his tenth birthday, his parents brought him to a farm for an incredible surprise. He was going to drive a real tractor with the help of Joe the farmer.
What a thrill! He'd never been this excited in his life. They started driving together. The little boy was so happy. This was the best day of his life.
After driving for an hour, Joe the farmer said: "Now i'm going to let you have a try on your own".
He brought him in the middle of a field and let him drive on his own.
Slowly the tractor started moving.
"Well done!" said Farmer Joe. "Try going a little bit faster now"
The tractor went faster but something was wrong. The motor was making a strange sound. Suddenly the brakes stopped working and the inevitable happened: they crashed into a tree and the tractor turned over. The boy was ejected from the tractor and saw Joe the farmer die, crushed by the weight of his massive tractor.
The boy broke his arm and was sent to the hospital. He was traumatised. When he arrived home, he took off of his wall all the posters, threw away anything with a tractor on it and no one ever mentioned the word tractor around him ever since.
The boy grew up. He turned eighteen. One day, he was invited at a party. He drank a few beers, chatted with some friends and talked with a pretty girl. She was tipsy and after half an hour she made a move and started kissing him.
Suddenly someone shouted "something's burning in the oven!" A girl removed a burnt pizza  from the oven. However, the room was still full of smoke.
The couple stopped kissing. The pretty girl said: "we can barely see anything! There's so much smoke!"
"Don't worry", said the boy, "I'll fix it" He got up and opened his mouth wide and started sucking up all the smoke from the room. He left the house and blew out all the smoke outside.
When he re-entered, the girl asked him, "How did you do that?"
He replied, "I'm an extractor fan".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6o60/there_was_once_a_little_boy/
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I found fifty bucks inside a liquor store

They were just shopping for a stag party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6nn9/i_found_fifty_bucks_inside_a_liquor_store/
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Once there was a stupidly large family...

Once there was a stupidly large family with 100 children, all named “One, Two, Three,” and so on.
The child named Ninety grew up to be a strict person with an average job and life. She got married and had 3 children, all of which were mischevious and often got into trouble. They became very clever.
One day, they were walking back from school together, when they noticed an old dog on the side of the road slowly approaching them. There was no collar or sign of it already being someone's pet, and feeling pity for it, they took it to their house. Although the dog was very sweet, the children knew that their mom would never allow them to keep a dog, so they decided to name it “This”. That way, they could talk about the dog without their mom knowing, like “have you checked on This?” or “we have to wash This today.” They took care of the lovely old dog for about a year or two without their mom realizing. Then, on one tragic morning, they discovered that This had died. They wept as they buried her body, but there was nobody to tell, because
only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6mtg/once_there_was_a_stupidly_large_family/
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What time was it when the elephant sat on the fence?

Time to get a new fence...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6kje/what_time_was_it_when_the_elephant_sat_on_the/
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A triumph of the European Commission

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6k1e/a_triumph_of_the_european_commission/
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An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” No response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again—no response. Five feet, no answer. Finally, he stands directly behind her and asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
She says, “For the fourth time, I said chicken!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6jr6/an_old_man_goes_to_his_doctor_and_says_i_dont/
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Jack And Jill

Jill and Jack go to Catholic school. Jill is known for sleeping.
The teacher asks Jill “Who created Earth?”
Jack pokes Jill with his pencil.
She yells “Oh my God!”
“that is correct Jill.”
She goes back to sleep.
The teacher asks Jill “Who is our Lord and Saviour ?”
Jack pokes Jill.
Jill yells “Jesus Christ!”
Teacher says “Correct again Jill.”
Jill goes to sleep.
Teacher asks Jill “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”
Jack pokes Jill.
Jill yells “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6jqq/jack_and_jill/
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A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.”
The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife.
The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.”
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train.”
The man says, “I know, but she has a good personality.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6him/a_man_is_sitting_at_home_when_a_police_officer/
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I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles...

...but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6ftf/ive_often_wanted_to_drown_my_troubles/
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A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”
The waiter says, “A penny.”
The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”
The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.
“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”
The waiter answers, “He’s upstairs with my wife.”
Confused, the man asks, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The waiter smiles and says, “The same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6dvp/a_man_goes_into_a_restaurant_he_has_a_seat_at_a/
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Asked a mate of mine what he was into, sexually.

“Women” he said, “ Bi and large”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6d5l/asked_a_mate_of_mine_what_he_was_into_sexually/
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What is it called when a Nazi has a speech impediment?

Schindler’s lisp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6c8c/what_is_it_called_when_a_nazi_has_a_speech/
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There’s a group of kids outside my house having a water fight, I’ve decided I’m going to go and join them

I’m just chilling on reddit waiting for the kettle to boil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb6aed/theres_a_group_of_kids_outside_my_house_having_a/
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If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb69ly/if_any_of_you_here_are_thinking_of_getting/
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When I said I was a positive person...

I meant HIV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb691a/when_i_said_i_was_a_positive_person/
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I accidentally sent a dick pick to my entire address book

not only was it embarrassing, but the stamps were damn expensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb690l/i_accidentally_sent_a_dick_pick_to_my_entire/
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The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.
“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”
“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”
“Not really,” the man says. “It stands for Keep It Short, Stupid.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb66bv/the_guest_of_honor_at_an_awards_dinner_is_about/
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The chicken came first

then the rooster. they both felt good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb655c/the_chicken_came_first/
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I am an anti-vax kid and tomorrow's my 18th birthday.

This is the correct subreddit to post it yeah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb64rl/i_am_an_antivax_kid_and_tomorrows_my_18th_birthday/
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"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"

"Gladiator?"
"No, I really miss her"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb63v5/a_cannibal_once_took_my_sister_to_see_a_russell/
%
After 12 years of regular sessions, my therapist said something that made me cry immensely.

"No habla Ingles".
^(Courtesy of Woody Allen (I think))

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb62k6/after_12_years_of_regular_sessions_my_therapist/
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A man comes home one night to find his blonde wife reading his personal journal.

“I can explain everything,” he begins. She interrupts him midsentence and exclaims, “You’re darn right you’ve got some explaining to do, and you can start with telling me who April, May, and June are!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb61bn/a_man_comes_home_one_night_to_find_his_blonde/
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Boy asks his dad why his sister is called Teresa

“Well son, it’s because your mother loves anagrams and she also loves Easter, Teresa is an anagram of Easter”
&nbsp;
“Thanks dad”
&nbsp;
“No problem Alan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb60w8/boy_asks_his_dad_why_his_sister_is_called_teresa/
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My favourite joke

In the purple forest is a purple kingdom. In the purple kingdom a purple peasant stole some purple bread. The purple police put the purple peasant in purple prison. The purple guard went to the purple peasant and said:
“All right, indigo”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb5zgx/my_favourite_joke/
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Why was the anti-vaxxers’s 5 year old crying?

Midlife Crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb5z0k/why_was_the_antivaxxerss_5_year_old_crying/
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Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: OK
Dentist: I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb5x7y/dentist_this_will_hurt_a_little/
%
There’s a knock on the door of the Hells Angels clubhouse

Big hairy biker goes to answer and there’s a little grey haired old lady standing there.
Old lady: I’d like to join the Hells Angels
Biker (a bit flabbergasted): Jeez, I dunno, what about a hog?
Old lady: Oh, that’s no problem, I just bought a brand new Harley.
Biker: Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
Old lady: No, never, but I once got swung by the tits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb5wil/theres_a_knock_on_the_door_of_the_hells_angels/
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Anti-Vax Moms

Aren't for long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb5sis/antivax_moms/
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A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb5qvf/a_small_boy_swallows_some_coins_and_is_taken_to_a/
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Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb5pou/once_upon_a_time_in_the_magical_fantasy_kingdom/
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I love my work so much...

I often save it for later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb5pke/i_love_my_work_so_much/
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A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb5pd0/a_doctor_accidentally_prescribes_his_patient_a/
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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

in three weeks.
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!"
The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb5mco/two_syrian_refugees_compete_to_see_who_can_become/
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What do you call an Iraqi guy who sells bags to feed his children?

A bagdad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb5iko/what_do_you_call_an_iraqi_guy_who_sells_bags_to/
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The Pain Machine

There was a married couple who have been trying to have kids for a while and they kept loosing their children during pregnancy.
This was her third pregnancy and her water breaks.
Her husband rushes her to the hospital as he can see his wife is in great pain.
Once they get there they are instantly taken to the emergency room and a doctor pulls him to the side while she goes into labour and tells the him:
“Look man. When I was born my mother passed away. Apparently it was too much pain and she could not take it. My father was not the by best so I always wished it was him that died”
So the husband asks :
“why are you telling me this?”
The doctor Replies:
“It’s because your wife will not make it through the pain. But I am a part-time scientist so I made a machine that transfers the pain telepathically to the father. We can control how much you receive.”
So the husband agrees and they set the machine up.
They first try out the LOW setting. The man feels no pain what so ever, and the wife feels less pain. So the doctor puts it on the MEDIUM setting. Still no pain on the man and the woman feels way better. As the doctor sees she isn’t being affected, he puts the machine on DEATH setting. The man feels no pain and neither does the woman.
As they leave the hospital with their new beloved child, the doctor warns the man to be very careful as there might be some side effects.
Once they get home, they find a dead mailman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb57qw/the_pain_machine/
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Why does Cristiano Ronaldo always cleans his house?

becuz he can't stand it looking Messi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb52qx/why_does_cristiano_ronaldo_always_cleans_his_house/
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My Ex-wife tells me she misses me.

Women shouldn't be hitmen, just saying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb52c3/my_exwife_tells_me_she_misses_me/
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An Irishman walks into an American bar

He sits down and orders 3 beers.
“You know, you don’t have to order these all at once - I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender.
“Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin together,” and he chugs them all down.
Every day for months, the Irishman comes in and does the same thing, until one day he orders only two beers.
The bartender’s heart sinks, knowing the Irishman must have lost one of his brothers.
“Im so sorry,” he says, “did one of your brothers pass?”
“Of course not, they’re fine!” says the Irishman, “I’ve just quit drinkin!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb4yu0/an_irishman_walks_into_an_american_bar/
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C, E Flat and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says "sorry, no minors".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb4v7h/c_e_flat_and_g_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why does Ed not have a girlfriend

Cause Sheeran away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb4t2k/why_does_ed_not_have_a_girlfriend/
%
What did the US say to the EU?

451 Unavailable
We recognize you are attempting to access this website from a country belonging to the European Economic Area (EEA) including the EU which enforces the general data protection regulation(GDPR) and therefore access cannot be granted at this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb4oik/what_did_the_us_say_to_the_eu/
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I got fired from my job as a librarian.

For putting women's rights book in the fiction category.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb4odj/i_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_librarian/
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How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb4mpf/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Anyone want to invest in my new African-Asian fusion restaurant?

It's going to be call "Wok like an Egyptian".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb4knd/anyone_want_to_invest_in_my_new_africanasian/
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I found 100 bucks outside a liquor store

At first I thought I should just leave it hoping the owner would find it. Then I thought "What would Jesus do?". So I went into the store and turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb4ifr/i_found_100_bucks_outside_a_liquor_store/
%
Saw a women with 12 breasts the other day

Sounds weird, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb4gp5/saw_a_women_with_12_breasts_the_other_day/
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Tom decided he needed a haircut, so he went to the barbershop

After getting his cut, he was making some small talk with his barber, when a boy no more then 10 walks in, and the barber whispers into Tom's ear "watch how dumb this kid is"
The barber walks over and greets the kid, holding his hands out, one hand with 5 Loonies, and there other with a 10 dollar bill, and tells the kid to pick which one he wants.
The kid grabs the 5 loonies, thanks the barber and runs out to go buy candy. Tom follows the kid and asks him "kid you know that 10 dollars is more than 5 right?" To which the kid replies "yup I know that."
"Then why would you take the 5 loonies? Were you just trying to be nice and not greedy?" Tom asked him, puzzled.
"Well, if I take the 10 dollars he'll stop giving me free money I'm sure"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb47m6/tom_decided_he_needed_a_haircut_so_he_went_to_the/
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I think my mechanic is an antivaxxer

He gave me essential oils for my broken car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb477j/i_think_my_mechanic_is_an_antivaxxer/
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What's the difference between heroin and Reddit?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb465o/whats_the_difference_between_heroin_and_reddit/
%
I once had a job interview at a blacksmiths

The owner asked if I'm any good at shoeing horses.
I said "I'm not sure, but I once told a donkey to go away!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb43hq/i_once_had_a_job_interview_at_a_blacksmiths/
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Yo mama so fat...

She doesn't support NTFS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb3uwp/yo_mama_so_fat/
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A true story.

Two little fleas... They meet at a bar in Florida. They vacation together all the time. One year, the second little flea arrives, and he's freezing, freezing cold. And he says, "Ooh, ooh, I was just zooming down from Jersey in the mustache of some guy on a motorcycle, and I am frozen!" And the first flea says, "Well, that is no way to come down to Florida. Here's what you do. You go into an airport bar, you have a few drinks. You find a beautiful stewardess, you climb up her leg, you nestle right in her warm, soft... you know what I mean? You get a good night's sleep, and you wake up in Florida. Now that is the way to travel!" A year goes by, vacation comes. In comes the second flea again. Freezing cold, again. And the first flea goes: "Well, okay, why are you cold? Didn't you do what I said?" The second flea says, "I did exactly what you said. I went into a bar, I had a couple of drinks, I climbed right up the leg of a beautiful stewardess, I nestled in, and I passed out all snuggled up. Next thing you know, I am zooming down the freeway in the mustache of some guy on a motorcycle!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb3qq4/a_true_story/
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The Biker at the Bank

A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank "
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see, " says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb3o8x/the_biker_at_the_bank/
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Joe was making his way through the crowd, trying to get to his front-row seat at the superbowl.

When he gets there he noticed as the game started the seat next to him was empty, so he thinks out loud "who would buy a front row seat and not show up wtf?" To which the man two seats over from him replies "that seat belongs to me, well my wife actually, but she passed away recently, we've been to every superbowl since we've been married."
"Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear that, but couldn't you have brought a friend or family member in her place? That way your not alone." Joe answers.
The man shakes his head and says "Well I would have, but everyone's at her funeral"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb3nyp/joe_was_making_his_way_through_the_crowd_trying/
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What type of music do u play on a boat

Rock n Row :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb3ngi/what_type_of_music_do_u_play_on_a_boat/
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People ask why I named my dog 5 miles.

It just feels good to tell people I walked 5 Miles today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb3lwg/people_ask_why_i_named_my_dog_5_miles/
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I was so close to having a threesome last night,

I just needed a couple more people to join me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb3lqc/i_was_so_close_to_having_a_threesome_last_night/
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I did an IQ test and when i got the results the doctor in an extremly disturbed face said :

I'm sorry sir your results came back as negative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb3i1f/i_did_an_iq_test_and_when_i_got_the_results_the/
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What’s the most important thing when telling a

Joke? Timing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb3bua/whats_the_most_important_thing_when_telling_a/
%
A middle eastern restaurant owner bought a new waffle iron.

He wasn't sure how to use it, so he chopped up some chickpeas, rolled them in flour and pressed them between the grates.
The mayor of the town stopped by that day, excited to try the new dish.
But when he took his first bite, the mayor declared it was so bad he would ban it from being made inside the city limits.
And that's the story of the very first Lawfully Awful Waffle Falafel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb37y0/a_middle_eastern_restaurant_owner_bought_a_new/
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What does a lawyer wear to court?

A lawsuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb37rh/what_does_a_lawyer_wear_to_court/
%
Things need to know about me

A. Bad at grammar
B. Bad at titles
C. Grammar
D. Repetitive
H. Don't know the alphabet
5. Inconsistent
7. Don't know number line
12. Repetitive
237. Too ambitious
(239) Inconsistent
(6) Childish
(7) Easily distracted
(8-()) Homer Simpson
8===D haha pepe :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb36dj/things_need_to_know_about_me/
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What do you call a socially aware Chewbacca?

A “Wokie”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb35tg/what_do_you_call_a_socially_aware_chewbacca/
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How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You don't know? That's because you weren't fucking there, man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb33uf/how_many_vietnam_veterans_does_it_take_to_screw/
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I took an IQ test today and I’m proud to say

That the results came back negative!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb31jz/i_took_an_iq_test_today_and_im_proud_to_say/
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My entire family urged me to get an abortion but my grandparents supported my decision.

My grandparents are great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb30bz/my_entire_family_urged_me_to_get_an_abortion_but/
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Doing, or plan to commit incest?

Make sure to say "no chromo", that way it will be perfectly acceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2y6x/doing_or_plan_to_commit_incest/
%
I threw a fig newton at my buddy's straw cat he made for art class

It was a cat o' straw-fig failure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2tdo/i_threw_a_fig_newton_at_my_buddys_straw_cat_he/
%
Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2qqu/trumpets_and_guns/
%
A horse with a deformed head walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the oblong face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2osq/a_horse_with_a_deformed_head_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did the cat get divorced?

He was a cheetah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2nxi/why_did_the_cat_get_divorced/
%
Toothbrushes were invented in Alabama.

Otherwise they would have been called teethbrushes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2nt8/toothbrushes_were_invented_in_alabama/
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How To Convince Your Wife You Haven't Been Drinking

A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes,
"I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me."
The bartender says, "Don't worry,
here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go to your wife and say
some other guy got so drunk he puked on you, but he felt sorry about it and gave you ten dollars to have your shirt
cleaned."
So the drunken guy agrees to give it a try. He goes back to his wife and tells her that a drunk guy
puked on his shirt then gave him ten dollars to have it cleaned.
The wife looks and says, "He gave you twenty dollars."
The guy replies, "Oh I forgot. He also shit in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2ker/how_to_convince_your_wife_you_havent_been_drinking/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10 but also imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2jhe/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
Why did the caterer turn down the prostitute?

He didn't like the spread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2j5t/why_did_the_caterer_turn_down_the_prostitute/
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Almost witnessed a murder today!!!

But there was only one crow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2j2l/almost_witnessed_a_murder_today/
%
Essential oils

I told my wife that I have a headache, she says to rub this essential oil on my forehead. So I do. After a few hours my wife asked “is your headache gone?”
I replied “nope.......you’re still here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2i77/essential_oils/
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What do you call a black ninja?

Incognegro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2h4i/what_do_you_call_a_black_ninja/
%
The Quadriplegic At The Beach

An armless and legless girl is lying on the beach, crying. A man comes over and asks,
"What are you crying about?"
She goes, "I'm crying because in my whole life I've never been kissed."
So he kneels down and kisses her, but that
causes her to cry even more. He asks, "What are you crying about now?"
She says, "I'm crying because in my whole
life I've never been fucked."
So he picks her up, tosses her into the ocean and yells, "You're fucked now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2gir/the_quadriplegic_at_the_beach/
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Jussie Smollett walks into a bar fight...

There was no fight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2dyq/jussie_smollett_walks_into_a_bar_fight/
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Tattoos and Wordplay

A man gets the words "I Love You" tattooed on his dick. He goes home to his wife, who tells him "stop trying to put words in my mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb2cmq/tattoos_and_wordplay/
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Do you give blowjobs to strangers?

No? Then allow me to introduce myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb26g3/do_you_give_blowjobs_to_strangers/
%
A Russian farmer caught one of his cows masturbating. He slaughtered it and used the meat to invent a new dish.

He called it Beef Strokinoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb25l7/a_russian_farmer_caught_one_of_his_cows/
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I decided to turn my frown upside down one day.

Now my head is broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb21dv/i_decided_to_turn_my_frown_upside_down_one_day/
%
A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears...
And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep...
And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb1wtf/a_politician_dies/
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I spent four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer

I still can’t find anyone to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb1n1x/i_spent_four_years_looking_for_my_exgirlfriends/
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What does a lesbian bring on the 2nd date?

A u-haul!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb1n1i/what_does_a_lesbian_bring_on_the_2nd_date/
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How many toddlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, 10 isn’t enough. Because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb1kv3/how_many_toddlers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I thought this made sense completely. I didn't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb1fkc/humans_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
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What's a joke that hasn't aged very well?

Me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb1d1z/whats_a_joke_that_hasnt_aged_very_well/
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A blonde shows up to a bar where two of her lovers are drinking together and telling sex stories.

The guys think they're dating different chicks and don't see her come in. She sneaks over to a table by the jukebox and listens to their conversation.
"It was straight up the most enthusiastic BJ ever," the first guy says. "It was like she was trying to break the bob a knob speed record. And she literally had no gag reflex bro."
The second guy says, "My girl's the same way! She deep-throated so hard my balls were using her tongue as a pillow!"
"No shit," says the bartender, twirling his mustache thoughtfully. "It's almost like it's the same girl."
He nods in their general direction and asks, "What's her name?"
"Britney," they blurt out in unison.
They glare at each other just long enough to wonder whose dick was there first; then, without another word, they start punching each other.
Britney witnesses all of this and doesn't understand why they're fighting.
It was over her head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb1aep/a_blonde_shows_up_to_a_bar_where_two_of_her/
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What's the Difference between a Casino and a Strip Club

You actually have a chance of getting screwed at the casino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb12id/whats_the_difference_between_a_casino_and_a_strip/
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After my divorce, my friend asks "So how does it feel when you fiddle with your ring finger and realize that it's no longer there?"

Fuck... I swear I did not realize that she took the whole finger too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb11c6/after_my_divorce_my_friend_asks_so_how_does_it/
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What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb119g/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_2_brain_cells/
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My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?"

I responded, "My wife wasn’t home the entire night, and in the morning, she said she spent the night at her sister’s house."
He said, "So?"
And I responded, "She’s lying. I spent the night at her sister’s house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb0zl2/my_friend_asked_me_why_are_you_getting_a_divorce/
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When I was young, I was courageous enough to shave my privates with a straight razor.

I don’t have the balls to do that anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb0z3c/when_i_was_young_i_was_courageous_enough_to_shave/
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Why is reverse cowgirl frowned upon in Alabama?

Because you don't turn your back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb0qa7/why_is_reverse_cowgirl_frowned_upon_in_alabama/
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb0pme/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite...

He said NaBrO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb0jsx/i_asked_the_guy_sitting_next_to_me_if_he_had_any/
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Is there a more Dutch sounding actor than Tom Holland?

Yes, there's Tom Hollander.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb0g6g/is_there_a_more_dutch_sounding_actor_than_tom/
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A plane full of teachers

One day some teachers are told to board in a plane. After they got in, the passengers(teachers) are being told that the plane they are in was made by their students, immediately all of the teachers leave the plane except one. He gets asked:
Why did you not choose to leave the plane?
Teacher: If I know my students well this plane won't even take off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb0g3y/a_plane_full_of_teachers/
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Chicken potpie.

My three favorite things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb0f3b/chicken_potpie/
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Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb08b1/why_cant_your_nose_be_12_inches_long/
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Two men stole a calendar

They got six months each

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb06qf/two_men_stole_a_calendar/
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After my dog died, I had him skinned and made into a rug.

He's now a Labradoormat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bb01ic/after_my_dog_died_i_had_him_skinned_and_made_into/
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Why did the rooster blush?

Because he saw the chicken strip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bazzb9/why_did_the_rooster_blush/
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Everyone thinks Antman will be the one to kill Thanos

Personally, I think he will play a small part in Endgame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bazvdz/everyone_thinks_antman_will_be_the_one_to_kill/
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Apparently, in London someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bazv61/apparently_in_london_someone_gets_stabbed_every/
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Where do horses go when they get sick?

To the *hors*pital!
Just kidding, they get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bazs24/where_do_horses_go_when_they_get_sick/
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The eel shop

A Japanese laborer was so poor he couldn’t afford any side dishes and ate only rice. At lunch he would take his bento box and sit behind an unagi restaurant. Before each bite he would inhale the delicious smell coming from the restaurant and then put the plain rice into his mouth.
After a couple of months doing this one day the restaurant owner was in a bad mood and came out to confront the laborer. He said, “You’ve been coming here everyday to inhale the scent of my food to make your lunch taste better but I’m running a business here. Since you’ve been enjoying my efforts all this time I demand you pay me.”
The laborer said, “You want me to pay you for the smell of your cooking?”
The chef said, “Yes, I do.”
The laborer reached into his robe and pulled out his coin purse and shook the coins in the air so they clinked together and said, “Here you go,” and put the purse away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bazr0g/the_eel_shop/
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Me: *Stares at Medusa's tits*

Medusa: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Me: *Already rock hard*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bazkab/me_stares_at_medusas_tits/
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The frustrated boss asked his employee, "Are you stupid or just apathetic‽"

He replied, "I don't know, and I don't care!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bazima/the_frustrated_boss_asked_his_employee_are_you/
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I went to the zoo the other day and the only animal was a small dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bazgys/i_went_to_the_zoo_the_other_day_and_the_only/
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My life before age 8 was a blur.

That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bazgp4/my_life_before_age_8_was_a_blur/
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A young boy enters a barber shop...

...and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bazein/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
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Did you hear about the taxidermist who mounted the back end of a lion

It was a cat ass trophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bazehh/did_you_hear_about_the_taxidermist_who_mounted/
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What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bazcjp/whats_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
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A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears

BUMP!…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER…
FASTER…
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
…on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…
and,
[Wait for it...]
The coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bazceb/a_man_was_walking_home_alone_late_one_foggy_night/
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I like my women like I like my Coffee

Without another mans dick in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baz77a/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A man walked into a bar, and a lady, way out of his league, approached him.

“Hey honey! I see you’re having a bad day, want me to.. Spice things up?” The woman winked.
The man, obviously flattered, agreed.
The woman insisted on driving away to the town over to have some privacy. “If you want to..” The man said, so they drove to the next town over and hid in a small woodland.
So, a hot night followed as the man thought, “Maybe this day wasn’t so bad after all.”
Later on, after they finished, the woman said, “I’m actually a prostitute, and that would be $250 for my service.” The man nodded. Then the man replied,
“I’m actually a taxi driver, and that would be $500 for MY service.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baz643/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_and_a_lady_way_out_of_his/
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The man and his gator (long)

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash and sits down at the bar. The Bartender walks over and asks why the man has brought an alligator into the bar. The man replies, " I have an offer to make".
The bartender being curious, says,"OK, what's the offer?". The man stands up and says, " If everyone in the bar is willing to buy me one drink each, I will drop my pants, open the alligator's mouth and place my genitals in his mouth and then close his mouth. After one full minute, I will make the alligator open his mouth and remove my gentitals...unscathed." After a few minutes, everyone agrees to buy him a drink. Sure enough, the man drops his pants, opens the alligaor's mouth, places his genitals in it's mouth and then closes it. After one minute, the man hits the alligator over the head with a beer bottle, and the alligator opens his mouth... and as promised, the man's genitals are unscathed.
After about an hour, the man had drank his last free drink and the bartender asks if there is anything else the man would like. The man says, " I have another offer to make". The bartender thinks to himself, "This ought to be good" and tells the man to make his offer. The man stands up again and turns to the other patrons of the bar and says, " If there is anyone else in the room willing to try the same thing, I'll give them $1000", and places 10 $100 bills on the bar.
After a few minutes of talking amongstthemselves, a small blonde girl, in the back of the room stands up and says, " Mister, I am willing to give it a try, but you have to promise not to hit me with that beer bottle, when I'm done!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baz227/the_man_and_his_gator_long/
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I signed up to a dating site for men who have sex with fruit.

Their motto was 'Guys who cum in pears, come in pairs'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baz0w7/i_signed_up_to_a_dating_site_for_men_who_have_sex/
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Three drunks are standing on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!"
The second drunk says, "You're crazy!"
The first drunk says, "I'm serious! Watch!"
The first drunk jumps off of the building, and the wind carries him right back up to the top!
The second drunk says, "Let me try!"
So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT!
The first drunk smiles, clearly amused. The third drunk looks at him and says, "You know, Superman, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baz0sz/three_drunks_are_standing_on_the_roof_of_the/
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The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.

I wish tinder had it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bayyvb/the_skip_intro_button_on_netflix_is_so_cool/
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4 people, 3 parachutes, one plane about to crash.

There was a flight that had only four people on it - the pilot, a young boy scout, an elderly pastor and a scholarly looking gentleman. During the flight the pilot came back and said that they were experiencing engine difficulties and that the plane was going to crash. The good news was that they had parachutes, but the bad news was that there were only three.
Explaining that he had to make a full report of the situation to the authorities he quickly slipped on the parachute and jumped.
The scholarly gentleman stood up next and explained that he had studied at Oxford, Harvard, Yale and other such schools and that he was one of the most intelligent persons in the world. He said that the world needed his wisdom and great learning. So he grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The pastor considered his age and the fact that he had lived a full life and told the boy that he should use the last parachute. The boy scout calmly said, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. The most intelligent person in the world just put on my backpack before he jumped."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bayxlp/4_people_3_parachutes_one_plane_about_to_crash/
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How do you make a water bed more bouncy

You add spring water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bayx22/how_do_you_make_a_water_bed_more_bouncy/
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I hate double standards.

When a girl sleeps with 5 guys she’s a slut. But when I do I’m gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baypl5/i_hate_double_standards/
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What makes the sun so smart?

A million degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baymyo/what_makes_the_sun_so_smart/
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Did you hear Easter was canceled

Yah apparently they found the body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bayej3/did_you_hear_easter_was_canceled/
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What do you get when you spell man backwards?

Flashbacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baycd3/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
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How did the anti-Vaxxer get drunk?

It wasn’t from shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bay36o/how_did_the_antivaxxer_get_drunk/
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The fuck is wrong with Napoleon's skeleton?

Sorry. There's a bone apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bay366/the_fuck_is_wrong_with_napoleons_skeleton/
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Dave goes to the casino

I went to a casino today and came home with a briefcase.
As I walked through the door, I looked at my wife and said, "I fucking won!"
"Bloody hell, Dave." she smiled, "How much?! How much?!"
"£40," I replied, "So I bought myself this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bay0m0/dave_goes_to_the_casino/
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This morning Chuck Norris was shot

Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baxv4p/this_morning_chuck_norris_was_shot/
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I don't understand why Marvel hasn't tried to advertise the hulk.

He's essentialy just a giant Banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baxtlq/i_dont_understand_why_marvel_hasnt_tried_to/
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TIL Charles XII once had an affair, about which Sabaton will be releasing a new single to celebrate the 20 years the band has been together

Its called Carolus' ex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baxqd6/til_charles_xii_once_had_an_affair_about_which/
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Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic Attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baxosa/why_does_donald_trump_take_xanax/
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What would you call a camel that has no hump?

Humphrey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baxgtm/what_would_you_call_a_camel_that_has_no_hump/
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Corny jokes are awesome

They never fail to a-maize you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baxcrx/corny_jokes_are_awesome/
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I just spent a hours waxing my car

I’m still not quite sure how it gets so hairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bax9s3/i_just_spent_a_hours_waxing_my_car/
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What happens in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'
Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'
The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'
'Yes.'
'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'
'Yes.'
'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'
'Yes.'
'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'
Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is amazed, and he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'
The hooker replies, '$1,500.'
'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'
The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car and says, 'Sign me up.'
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,' How much for some pussy?'
The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'
'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'
'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bax6zm/what_happens_in_vegas/
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Where does a Terrorist go when he dies?

Everywhere!!
Disclaimer: Another one my Student told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bax5qy/where_does_a_terrorist_go_when_he_dies/
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Three men are standing on a cliff

Each of them came here for the same thing, to jump off into the abyss. Suddenly a genie appears and tells them that instead of ending their life, they may each choose something to become instead.
They agree and the first man steps up to the edge. He jumps while proclaiming "EAGLE!" transforming on the spot and flying off into the distance.
The next leaps off while crying "SHARK!" falling into the ocean below.
The final man stops for a second, thinking of the best possible answer. He sprints towards the edge but trips. As he falls he exclaims "oh shit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bax068/three_men_are_standing_on_a_cliff/
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A man is driving home, drunk as a skunk.

Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A police car pulls him over as he veers all over the road. The drunk tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, “For God’s sake! That’s your pine tree air freshener swinging about.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bawur7/a_man_is_driving_home_drunk_as_a_skunk/
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Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bawu1d/why_dont_you_ever_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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I like my women like I like my credit card debt.

Always there, gaining interest, and constantly fucking me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bawt2u/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_credit_card_debt/
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Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bawq96/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_statistician/
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A train conductor was arrested.

The police suspected him of murder but they didn't have any evidence.  They did have motive though.  They claimed that he killed his neighbor because he moved an umbrella out back and that blocked the sun light from his plant.  This killed his plant and the conductor claimed that his neighbor was trying to kill him by taking away his oxygen.  When they told this to the judge is asked the conductor
"Is this true?"
The conductor said "Yes that is exactly correct."
The judge turned to him and said "Well that is one loco motive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bawq20/a_train_conductor_was_arrested/
%
(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln

I just foiled your plan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bawpse/p_la_npapnlaln/
%
Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bawpo2/are_monsters_good_at_math/
%
I used to be addicted to hunting wolves.

At my worst, I would smoke three packs a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bawojm/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_hunting_wolves/
%
I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bawo7y/i_dont_normally_make_fun_of_somebodys_race_but/
%
Currently long distance with my girlfriend and struggling. My friends have recommended phone sex to keep the spark going.

But since they've got rid of the headphone jack where the fuck am I meant to put it?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bawnq7/currently_long_distance_with_my_girlfriend_and/
%
A man visited his heavily bandaged friend in the hospital.

Upon seeing his injuries, the friend asked: “What happened to you?”
“Well, we went to a theme park and decided to ride a roller coaster,” the man explained. “As we came to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was too small and I couldn’t make it out. I was so curious that I went around again, but we went by so quickly that I still couldn’t see what the sign said. By now I was determined, so I went around a third time. As we reached the top I stood up in the car to get a better view.”
“And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?” asked his friend.
“Yeah.” answered the man. “The sign said ‘Please remain seated at all times!'”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bawmcf/a_man_visited_his_heavily_bandaged_friend_in_the/
%
A boy is walking down a road...

... when a car pulls up beside him. The window rolls down, and a man leans out and says, 'Get in the car and i'll give you a bag of sweets.' The boy says no. So the man leans out again, and says, 'Get in the car, and you can have a bag of sweets, and £20.' The boy says no. So the man leans out again, and says, 'Get in the car, and you can have £50, and 2 bags of sweets.' This time the boy turns round, and says, 'Dad, for the last time, I'm not getting in your shitty Skoda'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bawgdw/a_boy_is_walking_down_a_road/
%
An ant has been living under my keyboard for a while but now I’ve managed to make it stay under only one key

Don’t worry I’ve got it under ctrl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bawc92/an_ant_has_been_living_under_my_keyboard_for_a/
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I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work, she didn't respond.

She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baw5eq/i_called_my_wife_and_told_her_that_i_will_pick_up/
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I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas...

But it's what is on the inside that counts..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baw50o/i_got_a_really_ugly_looking_calculator_for/
%
What's an opinion without 3.14?

An onion..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baw3xx/whats_an_opinion_without_314/
%
If number 666 is evil,

then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baw1tt/if_number_666_is_evil/
%
What is the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang a picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baw135/what_is_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a/
%
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer???

Apparently the paper was jamming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baw119/i_was_wondering_why_music_was_coming_from_my/
%
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom..

making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset.
_"You are a disrespectful pig!"_ she cried. _"How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"_
The husband calmly replied, _"Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened."_
_"Fine, go ahead",_ the wife sobbed, _"but they will be the last words you say to me!"_
The husband began:
_"Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."_
_"She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."_
_"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously."_
_"She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away."_
_"I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."_
_"I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste."_
_"I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."_
The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued:
_"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, *“Please sir... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”*_...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bavwz7/a_wife_came_home_early_and_found_her_husband_in/
%
One day a little girl was watching cartoon when a porno came through

The little girl asked her mom "What are they doing?" The girls mom said "baking a cake." Then the next day they were walking in the park and there were these people making out And the girl said "Look mommy they are baking a cake!" The next day the girl says "Mommy you and Daddy were baking a cake last night." Her mom replied "how did you know?" The girl said "because I licked the icing off the sofa!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bavulw/one_day_a_little_girl_was_watching_cartoon_when_a/
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What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar seventy-five and deer nuts are always under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bavuej/whats_the_difference_between_deer_nuts_and_beer/
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Little Jimmy is playing with his trainset while his mom is in the kitchen.

The trains just chugging along and stops at the first station.
Little Jimmy says “Welcome to station one! Mothafuckas getting off, get off. Mothafuckas stayin on, stay on”
Jimmys mom hears from the kitchen, comes and yells at him, “JIMMY! If I hear you talk like that again you’ll go in timeout!”
Jimmy: Okay mom sorry!
So the train keeps chugging along to station number two.
When it arrives little Jimmy says “Welcome to station two! Mothafuckas getting off, get off. Mothafuckas stayin on, stay on”
Mom hears from the kitchen again, comes in and tells Jimmy he has to go to timeout for 30 minutes to learn his lesson. Jimmy listens.
30 minutes pass and his mom asks Jimmy if he learned his lesson and Jimmy says “yes ma’am” and goes back to playing with the train.
The train continues to the next station.
As they approach little jimmy says, “Welcome to station number three, if you’re getting off, get off. If you’re staying on, stay on. If you wanna complain about the 30 minute delay, blame the bitch in the kitchen!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bavucf/little_jimmy_is_playing_with_his_trainset_while/
%
In an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, Hollywood remakes footloose for the Muslim and Jewish world

Its basically the same movie, just without Bacon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bavsp1/in_an_attempt_to_appeal_to_a_wider_audience/
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A man on vacation in the Caribbean decides to go horseback riding.

He visits a local farm that rents horses to ride around the countryside. The owner of the horse, a very religious man, explains to the visitor that in order to make the horse go, he’ll have to say “Thank God,” and to make the horse stop, he should say “Amen.”
During his ride around the village, the horse is stung by a bee. In pain and shock, the horse takes off running right toward a dangerous cliff.
“Amen!” the man shouts, hanging on to the horse for dear life. The horse stops just a few inches short of the cliff’s edge. The man catches his breath, looks over the cliff, and mutters out loud, “Thank God.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bavmt7/a_man_on_vacation_in_the_caribbean_decides_to_go/
%
A man is telling a bartender about the craziest day of his life.

“It was unreal,” the man recalls. “I’m on this horse that’s galloping at top speed. On the right side of me is this elephant going as fast as the horse. Right in front of us is another horse going just fast enough so we don’t hit him, and about ten feet behind us is a lion giving chase. He could catch us at any minute!”
The bartender is in shock. “My God,” he says to man. “What did you do?”
“Well, I had no choice,” the man replies, taking a sip of his beer. “I got my drunk butt off that merry-go-round as fast as possible.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bavjc1/a_man_is_telling_a_bartender_about_the_craziest/
%
I convinced my fellow pirate to try heroin.

Now he's hooked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bavj8u/i_convinced_my_fellow_pirate_to_try_heroin/
%
A neutron walks into a bar

Orders a beer from the bartender.
N: How much for the beer?
B: For you, no charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bavikp/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between a Garbanzo bean and a Chickpea?

I've never had a Garbanzo bean on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bavi9c/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
%
I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bavho4/i_couldnt_figure_out_why_the_baseball_kept/
%
The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator."
"Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him.
Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!"
"You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said.
Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!"
The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things..."
Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bavdbs/the_teacher_asked_the_class_to_name_something/
%
How did the fish get high?

He’s got a connection for really good seaweed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bavcw6/how_did_the_fish_get_high/
%
So I had some Chinese takeaway the other day...

On the drive home I heard some rustling from the bags and didn't know what to make of it
I pulled over on the hard shoulder and slowly opened the bags, and to my shock a pair of eyes were looking up at me
I couldn't tell if it was a mouse or a rat so I looked closer, and that's when I realised..
It was peking duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bavas8/so_i_had_some_chinese_takeaway_the_other_day/
%
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?

No idea, but when that animal talks, people will listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bava8u/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_lion_with_a/
%
Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles.

One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs.
He says, “See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people.”
The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, “See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people.”
The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, “See that castle over there?” The other bats nod. “Well,” says the third bat, “I didn’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bav8n6/three_vampire_bats_live_in_a_cave_surrounded_by/
%
Two cows are sitting in the field when one says, “Hey man, I’ve been hearing of bad stuff lately. Are you worried about this ‘mad cow disease’?”

The other cow starts to spin around with his hooves extended out and says, “Not me, pal. I’m a helicopter.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bav742/two_cows_are_sitting_in_the_field_when_one_says/
%
"so is that a gun in your trousers or are you just happy to see me ?"

"Both , now get inside the van !! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bav5hm/so_is_that_a_gun_in_your_trousers_or_are_you_just/
%
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bav307/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
%
A good Russian joke about Russians :)

It goes smth like this (I may have modified some parts slightly so that it would sound better in English).
For their new research, several sociologists have designed a device that registers every expletive used in the immediate vicinity to determine how often swearing words are used by different social groups. The device had a radial screen with arrows, so the sociologists figured it would be most efficient to put it in a popular US bar by replacing a wall clock with it. After everything was set, the experiment began.
A group of Swedish guys walk in this bar, have some drinks and walk out after about an hour. The device shows '0 expletives'.
A group of Chinese guys walk in, have a drink and walk out. The device reads '2 expletives'.
A group of Germans walk in, have some sort of a party and walk out after several hours. The device shows '10 expletives'.
A group of Americans walk in, have drinks and walk out. The device reads '15 expletives'.
A group of Irish guys walk in, have drinks and walk out after several hours. The device reads '25 expletives'.
A group of Russians walk in, have multiple drinks and after 5 hours they do **not** leave. Time passes and after a couple more hours the sociologists begin to wonder what is going on. They come in and notice that the device is missing and the Russian guys are still there having drinks. Then this dialogue takes place:
***The sociologists:*** Hey, guys... Erm...What happened to the device on the wall? You know, the one that looked like a wall clock?
***One of the Russian guys:*** You mean that weird superpowered electric fan? It's over there. We had to unplug it: it nearly blew our first vodka bottle away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bav2vs/a_good_russian_joke_about_russians/
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Kids can be savage...

This literally just happened a few minutes ago. I work at a school and this one girl was wearing a tee shirt that said "Future Trophy Wife". She was going to some effort to make sure other kids noticed the funny shirt she wore.
Eventually, another student shouted "WHAT KIND OF TROPHY? PARTICIPATION!?"
Roasted...to...a...crisp...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bauyup/kids_can_be_savage/
%
Just a John Cena joke

John Cena woke up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on.The nurse walked in and he asked
"Where am I?"
She responded
"ICU"
He said
"No you don't "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bauxan/just_a_john_cena_joke/
%
A man sued over an accident he got in while on his horse

During the trial, the defendant's lawyer asked the plaintiff, "after the accident happened, did you or did you not tell a pollixe officer that you've 'never felt better in your life'"
Now, the plaintiff responded "why yes, I do remember saying that," and the entire court room was shocked at this statement.
Then during the cross examination, the plaintiff's own lawyer asked the man "Can you please tell me what the circumstances were when you told the police officer this."
And the plantiff responded "well you see, when the officer drove up, he saw that my horse was trapped under my carriage, whining in pain, with all its legs broken, the officer tool his gun, put it up to the horse's ear, and shot it. Then, he went over to my dog, who was thrown from my carriage, with his back broken, also howling in pain, to which the officer did the same thing and shot my dog. Now then, the officer came up to me, and asked 'now how  are you feeling'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bautt5/a_man_sued_over_an_accident_he_got_in_while_on/
%
Two men are talking about how they want to leave the world.

“I’d like to go out like my uncle,” says the first man. “He died at the racetrack.”
The second man says he’d like to go out like his grandfather. “He just died peacefully. Fell asleep and never woke up or made a sound. Nothing like the people riding in his bus.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baupvj/two_men_are_talking_about_how_they_want_to_leave/
%
A man goes to the doctor ...

and says "Help me, doctor, I can't stop singing *What's new Pussycat?*"
The doctor says, "Oh no, you may have Tom Jones disease."
Guy says, "I've never heard of that. Is it rare?"
The doctor says, "It's not unusual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baujo8/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Elevator Awkwardness

Elevators are a lot like urinals.
Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baugmo/elevator_awkwardness/
%
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.

“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baubvc/after_a_day_of_entertaining_the_troops_the_dallas/
%
Kanye West compares himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney, and Steve Jobs.

Apparently none of them could sing, either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bau9bm/kanye_west_compares_himself_to_michelangelo/
%
I hate sitting in traffic

because I get run over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bau994/i_hate_sitting_in_traffic/
%
Marriage

A couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "One of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like -- a plumber?"
A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "The car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like -- a mechanic?"
A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"
"What do I look like -- a roofer?"
One weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors. He came over and fixed everything."
"What did it cost?"
"He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or hooked up with him."
"What kind of cake did you make?"
"What do I look like -- Betty Crocker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bau8rt/marriage/
%
What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bau8bb/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
%
I tried to catch fog yesterday..

Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bau62x/i_tried_to_catch_fog_yesterday/
%
My wife and I decided not to have kids.

The kids didn’t take it too well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bau4yo/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
%
Why is santa so sexually frustrated?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bau45j/why_is_santa_so_sexually_frustrated/
%
A woman goes to her gynecologist.

“What seems to be the problem?” Asked the gyno.
“Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.”
The gynecologist has a look, chuckles and says,
“Those aren’t postage stamps my dear. They’re the stickers off the bananas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bau3u4/a_woman_goes_to_her_gynecologist/
%
19 and 20 had a fight

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bau3ev/19_and_20_had_a_fight/
%
A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”
The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bau333/a_thief_sticks_a_gun_into_a_mans_ribs_and_says/
%
Another stutterer

A guy with a terrible stutter goes to the doctor. Doctor examines him, and says, "I'm afraid the problem is your large penis. It requires such an enormous blood supply, not enough blood is reaching the speech center in your brain."
"W-w-well, what c-c-can I d-d-do?" asks the guy.
"We can do a penis reduction," says the doctor.
"C-c-can you do that?"
"Sure," says, the doctor. "Reduction, addition, we can do it all nowadays."
And the guys says, "I-I-I'll have to th-th-think about it."
A week goes by, and the guy just can't stand the stuttering any longer. So he returns to the doctor and asks for the reduction.
The surgery goes great, the guy wakes up, and sure enough, his stutter is gone!
After a couple of weeks with his average-sized Johnson, however, the guy has second thoughts. So he returns to the doctor.
"Doc," he says. "Don't think I'm ungrateful. You solved my stuttering problem, just like you said you would. However, I really miss my penis. You said you can do additions. I'd like you to put the rest of my penis back on."
And the doctor says, "F-F-Fuck you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bau21v/another_stutterer/
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Iron deficiency gang rise up

And fall back down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bau1ke/iron_deficiency_gang_rise_up/
%
I think my 6 month old is trying to learn to sneeze.

He just lays in his crib for hours going, "AHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH".  He hasn't quite figured the "CHOO" part out yet.  He's such a cutie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bau0q6/i_think_my_6_month_old_is_trying_to_learn_to/
%
What do you call a Jewish amphibian?

A shalomander

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bau0oa/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_amphibian/
%
What do you call a group of disabled people in a hot tub?

Vegetable soup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/batznh/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_disabled_people_in_a/
%
If life gives you melons

, you’re probably dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/batz02/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
Two mice are walking on a rooftop

When suddenly, one of them stands on his hind lags, and waves to a bat. What was that all about? His friend asks. That was my brother. The 2nd one replies. He has gone with the air-force.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baty9n/two_mice_are_walking_on_a_rooftop/
%
Why did the pilot blush?

Because he saw the airstrip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/batxuf/why_did_the_pilot_blush/
%
A blonde, a Brunette, and a Red-Head were stranded on an island...

They were walking along the beach when they discovered a magical lamp. They rubbed it and a Genie popped out, telling them he would grant each of them one wish.
The Red-Head said, "I wish I was back home with my family." POOF! The Genie sent her home.
The Brunette said, "I wish I was back home with my dogs." POOF! The Genie sent her home.
The Blonde said, "I'm lonely. I wish I could be with my friends." POOF! The Genie brought the other two girls back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/battgv/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_were_stranded/
%
My dad showed me a magic trick. He did very well.

He really did disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/batt13/my_dad_showed_me_a_magic_trick_he_did_very_well/
%
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/batr8d/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:
-Look ma, an angel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/batqew/baby_rat_and_mommy_rat_were_walking_down_a_dirt/
%
What do you call it when you buy a ticket for a chance to win a spotted, long-necked mammal?

A giraffle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/batqeq/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_buy_a_ticket_for_a/
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/batpdu/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_snowman_with_a/
%
A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot.

She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, “I’ll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language.”
The woman says, “Oh, that’s okay.” She buys the parrot and takes it home.
When she takes the towel off its cage, the parrot looks at her and says, “Awk. New madam. Hello madam.”
A few hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters come home from school. The parrot looks at them and says, “Awk. New girls. Hello girls.”
A couple hours after that, the woman’s husband Phil comes home from work. The parrot looks at him and says, “Awk. Hi Phil.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bato3r/a_woman_walks_into_a_pet_store_and_sees_a/
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I was going to steal a coat today

But I didn't have it in me to jacket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/batk7d/i_was_going_to_steal_a_coat_today/
%
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bathcd/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_on_amazon/
%
Don't be ashamed of what you are.

That's your parents' job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bath6h/dont_be_ashamed_of_what_you_are/
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What does Queen Elizabeth have between her breasts that Meghan Markle doesn't have between her breasts?

A belly button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/batc08/what_does_queen_elizabeth_have_between_her/
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I got rid of all unhealthy food in my house.

It was delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bat7h0/i_got_rid_of_all_unhealthy_food_in_my_house/
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Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?

Because they didn't want to elect ron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bat5un/why_did_the_protons_vote_for_harry_potter_to_be/
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An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up
to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar across from the old golfer.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “ May I help you sir?”
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really, really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bat3ac/an_elderly_golfer_comes_in_after_a_good_round_of/
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat *me*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bat2fi/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
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What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?

A mist steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/basxzh/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_boil_a_water_buffalo/
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There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and
he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in
half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half
of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping
away, and essentially started living separate lives.
The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent
most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting
gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting,
and taught pottery at the local community college.
On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the
townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both
halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody
could think of even one occurrence of this happening.
Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left
half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local
watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of
whisky, which the bartender poured for him
At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down,
asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which
nodded back. As the bartender poured him the beer,
the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to
cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02.
The bartender was astounded-- he was the first
person to see the two halves interact since the
accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the
bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted:
"Whole Don here for just one minute!"
--
All credit goes to u/hdtwentyn8 as this is his OC.
I had to repost because it's just too good to be forgotten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/basx1w/there_was_once_in_a_small_town_a_man_named_don/
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/basvvp/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
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A guy is walking along a road when he spots a frog looking up at him.

The frog hops towards him quickly and calls out, "Hey! Help me! I've been turned into a frog by a cruel witch! If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess!!"
The guy is shocked at first but then smiles, picks the frog up, puts it in his bag, and keeps on walking.
After a few minutes, he pulls the frog out of his bag and immediately the frog starts back up again:
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll do WHATEVER you want!"The guy chuckles excitedly but puts the frog back in his bag and keeps walking.
Eventually he makes his way back to his apartment and pulls the frog out of his bag. He places the frog on his desk next to his laptop and the frog immediately calls out:
"PLEASE! If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and will do whatever you want and stay with you for a month!!!"
The guy giggles excitedly, shakes his head, and says, "Look, lady. I'm an engineer and I don't have time for a girlfriend...
But a talking frog?? Now THAT'S cool!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/basto4/a_guy_is_walking_along_a_road_when_he_spots_a/
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The man who killed Hitler is my hero

Bet you did nazi that coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/basqgq/the_man_who_killed_hitler_is_my_hero/
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What is weaker than French defences during WWII?

Tea made by an American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/basq0c/what_is_weaker_than_french_defences_during_wwii/
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A blind man walks into a bar.

And a chair. And a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/basps3/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
One of my friends who had his sex changed recently adopted a baby and talks really openly about his feelings towards the whole thing.

I guess he is really transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/basnbk/one_of_my_friends_who_had_his_sex_changed/
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Why can’t DC make a black joker?

The first time the police would catch him, he’d be shot and killed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/basmfu/why_cant_dc_make_a_black_joker/
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What type of facial hair does a ghost have?

A soul patch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baslhh/what_type_of_facial_hair_does_a_ghost_have/
%
The Party

When I was 8, my parents were throwing their annual formal dinner party. After much pleading, I was finally able to convinced them to let me greet and welcome everyone to the party.
One day, my parents got into an argument about the seating arrangements. The argument ended when dad called mom a bitch, and mom retorted by calling him a bastard. Not knowing what those words meant, I went and asked my mom “What does bitch and bastard mean?” Clearly flustered, mom replied “Bitch is a fancy word for lady and bastard means gentleman.”
Satisfied with the answer I went into our lounge to help grandma with cleaning. She stubbed her toe and said “Shit!” I asked her, what shit means. Pausing for a bit, she confidently told me “Shit, is a fancy word for carpet.”
On the day of the party, I was helping mom cook. She burnt herself while cooking the chicken and yelled “Fuck!” I asked “Mom, what does Fuck mean? She replied “Sweetie, Fuck is just a fancy word for cooking.”
Then I went to watch dad shave. Unexpectedly, he cut himself while shaving and said “Ah, Testicles.” I asked him what testicles meant. Flustered, he replied “Uhh, testicles is just a fancy word for beard”
Then everyone started arriving. I gathered everyone in the lounge and tapped my glass with a spoon 3 times. When I finally got everyone’s attention I welcomed them by saying,
“Good afternoon Bitches and Bastards, please wipe your feet on the shit. My mom is fucking the chicken and my dad is shaving his Testicles.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baslen/the_party/
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My friend who was sick of my jokes says

"How about you stop sitting on your ass all day coming up with terrible puns, and start writing a book or something!"
Me: "Now that.... is a novel idea!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bashhg/my_friend_who_was_sick_of_my_jokes_says/
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I'm sick!

Pete rings his boss at work and says, "Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't come to work today. I'm sick." "Sick!" screams his boss. "Sick! This is the tenth time this month, Pete. Exactly how sick are you?" "Well", replies Pete. "I'm in bed with my 12-year old sister."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/basguh/im_sick/
%
Quick, before it starts

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/basc5p/quick_before_it_starts/
%
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/basb7p/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/
%
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/basapw/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
%
Whats the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

One requires tweetment and one requires Oinkment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bas9a2/whats_the_difference_between_the_bird_flu_and_the/
%
I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”
“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or something?”
“Well no, you see, I was just driving along, and I got cutoff by this BMW...”
“Okay yeah, so you are definitely wasting my time here. There is absolutely nothing even remotely suspicious about this, at all. I drive a marked squad car, that’s with the lights and everything, they just don’t care. I get cutoff by asshole beamer drivers every single day. I can’t even be bothered to pull them over, I would never get anything else done.”
“Yeah, I know, I wasn’t all that surprised either at first. I mean, I saw the BMW cruising up pretty fast in my side mirror so I was expecting it, and then the driver flipped on the turn signal, and...”
“On my way!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bas7fv/i_saw_a_stolen_bmw_today_i_decided_to_call_the/
%
What's the difference between cardi b and an elf?

An elf can wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bas747/whats_the_difference_between_cardi_b_and_an_elf/
%
A sexy, beautiful woman was seated next to a guy on a plane and said: excuse me, can you help me remove something from my breast, please?

The guy, shocked, said yes, of course--what is it? The woman, replied--your eyes, idiot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bas6e0/a_sexy_beautiful_woman_was_seated_next_to_a_guy/
%
What does a gay horse eat?

Haayyyyyyy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bas4qj/what_does_a_gay_horse_eat/
%
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bas362/sometimes_i_tuck_my_knees_into_my_chest_and_lean/
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If you have a foot fetish ...

... and happen to get involved in an orgy involving other foot fetishists, always remember to be polite and attentive to those around you.
You don't want to get off on the wrong foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bas2sd/if_you_have_a_foot_fetish/
%
I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bas1j4/i_wasnt_going_to_visit_my_family_this_december/
%
A guy go see a doctor

\- Doc, it's painful when I touch my knee. Make me wanna cry ! When I touch my stomach too, watch this... AH ! Oh ! My god it hurts so much... And look, here, when I touch my neck. Holy shit that hurts really bad too ! What's wrong Doctor ?
\- You got a broken finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bas0lc/a_guy_go_see_a_doctor/
%
One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.
In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says
"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to learn how to play the guitar, but the issue is, I'm a horse. Can you help me?"
The music teacher says, "Not a problem, I've taught many animals to play instruments before, this'll be nothing."
After months of practice, the Horse gets really good at guitar.
Horse soon realizes that the music video had 4 people in it, and to recreate it, he would need help from his friends.
So he calls up his friend Duck and says, "Duck, I saw this really cool music video on line that I want to recreate. I learned how to play guitar and I want you to learn the keyboard."
Sure enough, Duck gets the contact information from Horse of the man who taught him to play guitar and calls him up.
"Hi, I heard that you taught my friend Horse how to play guitar, and I was wondering if you could teach me how to play keyboard? There's an issue though, I'm a duck."
The man replies "Sure! I taught Horse to play guitar, surely I can teach you how to play keyboard."
After a few more months of lessons and practicing, Horse and Duck are really good at guitar and keyboard.
Remembering that they needed 4 people, they called up their friend Cat.
"Hey cat, we need more people to recreate this music video and we want you to learn how to play drums," so Cat calls the music teacher and says, "Hey, I wanna learn drums, I know you taught Horse to play guitar, and Duck to play keyboard, and I'm a cat. Can you help?"
The teacher says, "Sure! I can teach any animal to play any instrument.
As figured, the three animals are practicing and taking lessons and they all get very good at their instruments.
Finally, they realized they needed a fourth person for their band, so they call their friend pig and give him the rundown.
Horse calls him and says, "Pig look, the three of us can all play the guitar, drums, and keyboard, now we just need you to play bass," so of course, pig calls the music teacher and says, "Hey, I wanna learn how to play the bass, I know you taught Horse to play guitar, and Duck to play keyboard, and Cat to play the drums, and I'm a pig. Can you help?"\\
"Of course!," he says. "I can teach any animal to play any instrument.
It's been around a year at this point, and the animals are finally ready to recreate the music video.
Horse sets up the recording equipment at his house, and they successfully recreate the music video and upload it to the internet, and it is a HUGE hit.
After millions of views on their now viral music video, they get a call from a talent agency. They schedule a meeting, and at the meeting, the manager says, "Guys look, you're 4 animals who can all play instruments and sing, you are obviously very intelligent and we want to send you on tour."
The animals are ecstatic, and accept the offer.
After just a few short months of the 4 animals being on tour, they are very popular.
One day, while on tour, Horse gets a phone call from the manager.
"Horse, look. We just received word that your grandmother is in the hospital dying and we think it'd be best if you flew back home to see her." Horse regretfully obliges and has his understudy fill in for him while he's gone.
Horse gets to the hospital back home to find that his beloved grandmother is already dead, with no known final words or will.
Horse is devastated, after flying back all that way for her to just be dead.
Horse has been sitting in the hospital for a couple hours at this point, trying to help as he can with the issue at hand. In the middle of the chaos, Horse gets another phone call from his manager.
"Horse, look. I heard that your grandmother just died and I'm very sorry, but I have more tragic news. The tour bus with all of your friends, roadies, and understudies has flipped and no one survived. I'm very sorry."
Horse is obviously in hysterics at this point, and is on the verge of going mad. After he calms down, and some time passes, horse decides to head to a local club to take his mind off of things.
The horse walks into the club, walks up to the bar, and the bartender says, "Hey Horse, why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/barxbv/one_day_a_horse_is_watching_a_music_video_long/
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What is worse than Ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/barw5b/what_is_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
My friend is a chess master from the Soviet block

No really he's my Czech mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bartvt/my_friend_is_a_chess_master_from_the_soviet_block/
%
To be or not to be

Oh sorry Dave I thought you were my friend toby...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baroyd/to_be_or_not_to_be/
%
Chipmunks are the horniest animals.

They always bust nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/barg2s/chipmunks_are_the_horniest_animals/
%
Spaghetti with Meatballs isn't real Italian cuisine. It's made in America, posing as Italian cuisine.

Spaghetti with Meatballs is an **IMPASTA**!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bareeg/spaghetti_with_meatballs_isnt_real_italian/
%
I tried renting a quiet room in a library yesterday

They said "sorry, we're booked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/barcrd/i_tried_renting_a_quiet_room_in_a_library/
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The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bar9hs/the_only_thing_that_brings_joy_to_me_anymore_is/
%
Did you know sparrows die after sex?

At least the one I fucked did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bar71l/did_you_know_sparrows_die_after_sex/
%
Why didn't Jesus like gambling?

He was afraid of high stakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baqulv/why_didnt_jesus_like_gambling/
%
An Asian man and a Jewish man walk into a bar

The Asian man goes: “Hi, my name is Joe Chan, what’s yours?”
The Jew replies: “Michael Goldberg... Hey you know, I never did forget you Koreans for Pearl Harbor.”
The Asian man, surprised, replies:
“Uhhh... Pearl Harbor was done by the Japanese, not Koreans, and I’m Chinese.”
“Well.. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, what’s the difference?”
“You know... I never did forgive you Jews for sinking the Titanic.”
“Uhhh... but that was an iceberg.”
“Greenberg, Goldberg, iceberg, what’s the difference?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baqrjy/an_asian_man_and_a_jewish_man_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A young couple are on a long international flight

. The flight crew turns off the lights in the cabin for the passengers to sleep. The guy turns to his girlfriend and says "hey everyone is sleeping let's have sex." "No are you crazy? Everyone will hear us" says the girl. The boyfriend comes up with a plan "Let's make sure then, just ask if anyone has a pen you can borrow." The girl agrees and loudly asks "Does anyone have a pen?" No one responds and the couple start having sex and continue through the night.
As the lights start turning back on a flight attendant notices an old man shivering. "Oh my why didn't you ask for a blanket?" She says. "I wouldn't dare" replies the old man "A young girl asked for a pen and got fucked in the ass all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baqpah/a_young_couple_are_on_a_long_international_flight/
%
Why do Reddit use Karma instead of another religious symbol?

We all know what happened last time when Christians fought for the Cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baqp2z/why_do_reddit_use_karma_instead_of_another/
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Wife: I'm pregnant

.
Me: Hello Pregnant, I'm dad.
Wife: No you're not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baqo4y/wife_im_pregnant/
%
Told my wife that there's a rumour going around that the mailman has slept with all the women in our street except one....

She replied, " Oh I bet it's that stuck up bitch from number 22 ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baqhj1/told_my_wife_that_theres_a_rumour_going_around/
%
One great moment in school.

Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good! \*Walks away\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baqhc5/one_great_moment_in_school/
%
Girlfriend's first football game.

A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied. “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles. But I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like … Hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baqg7g/girlfriends_first_football_game/
%
Hitler had a game show.

He called it the amazing race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baqd55/hitler_had_a_game_show/
%
I lost my mood ring the other day.

I don’t exactly know how to feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baq8xw/i_lost_my_mood_ring_the_other_day/
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what do you call an alligator in a vest ?

an  investigator
cheers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baq7p0/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
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What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD

A trip without the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baq553/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_birth_control_and_lsd/
%
Why did the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baq3x2/why_did_the_military_use_acid/
%
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baq2pe/i_cant_take_my_dog_to_the_pond_anymore_because/
%
A professor told his class "Fame will come to you only after you succeed". A blonde girl asks

Who is seed?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bapxcw/a_professor_told_his_class_fame_will_come_to_you/
%
An engineer is walking across campus

And he is stopped by a classmate who says I have to tell you the craziest story.
I was walking through the park and this beautiful blonde was riding by on a bike, she saw me, stopped, got off the bike, took off all her clothes and stood there with her arms wide and said to me, take what you want......  So I took the bike.
After pausing for a moment the first engineer pauses nods his head and says, good call, the clothes probably would not have fit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bapf14/an_engineer_is_walking_across_campus/
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What did the horse say after he tripped?

I've fallen, and I can't giddy-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bap2bx/what_did_the_horse_say_after_he_tripped/
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The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father on his way home suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesperson, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?!  Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baowb2/the_divorced_barbie_doll/
%
Two friends walk into a shoe store

The first friend sees a beautiful pair of red shoes in the window. "I have to get those shoes" she says. Her friend looks at them and notices there isn't a price tag on them. The friends take the shoes to the front counter and the man behind the counter smiles at them. "How can I help you two?"
The first friend says, "I'm interested in these shoes but there doesn't seem to be a price anywhere?"
Man behind the counter: "Oh that's because we aren't a normal shoe store. The price you pay has to be related to what you buy."
Confused, the two friends look at each other until another customer walks up with a pair of orange shoes and hands the man at the counter an orange.
"Thank you have a nice day!"
"Ohh I get it." The first friend says. She then pulls out her reading glasses and begins to read a book from off her phone.
"That's good enough. Take the shoes" the man says.
The second friend then sees a pair of blue shoes behind the counter.
"Are those blue shoes for sale?"
A voice from under the counter yells, "BACK OFF BITCH, I'M WORKING ON IT"
*Edit-spelling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baoogj/two_friends_walk_into_a_shoe_store/
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Did you guys hear they’re gonna start making round hay bales illegal?

Apparently it’s something about the cows needing 3 square meals a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baony4/did_you_guys_hear_theyre_gonna_start_making_round/
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A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”
​
“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save him”
​
A short time later More men and women in white coats came by. “His temperature will soon rise above the safe level, let us take him to the hospital and give him a vaccine.”
​
“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save him”
​
A little time later a rescue services helicopter hovered overhead, let down a rope ladder and said. “The boy must be rushed to the hospital and vaccinated now. Climb the ladder and we’ll fly you to safety.”
​
“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save him”
​
All this time the boy’s temperature continued to rise, until soon they reached above the safe temperature and the mans son died. Many years later when the father arrived at heaven, he demanded an audience with God. Ushered into God’s throne room he said, “Lord, why did you take my son from me so early? I prayed for you to save him, I trusted you to save him from that disease.”
​
“Yes, you did my child” replied the Lord. “And I sent you medicine, a doctor and a vaccine. But you never accepted my help.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baon8c/a_very_religious_mans_child_was_caught_with/
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A horse walks into a bar.

The horse says "I'll have a glass of 30-year-old Napa Cabernet."
The bartender says, "Uhh, how about a beer?"
The horse says "I think not!!"
And he disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baokln/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do a bar and a woman have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baokag/what_do_a_bar_and_a_woman_have_in_common/
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An elderly RAF veteran was giving a talk at an all girls school...

He was called in to give a motivational talk about British moral during the war, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue, we became surround by a pack of these Fokkers. I had two Fokkers in either side, one behind me, and another Fokker coming at me head on...”
The head mistress interrupts and quickly says, "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF bombers and their escorts."
The old veteran nodded and said:
"Yes ma’am! Great planes! But these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baohnt/an_elderly_raf_veteran_was_giving_a_talk_at_an/
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What directions did the Allies need to locate and defeat the Nazis?

Simple.  They just took the third reicht...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baoe9j/what_directions_did_the_allies_need_to_locate_and/
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3 women in a bar

are having fun until they started comparing how much they can stuff inside them.
The first woman grabbed a pickle and started putting it in.
The second woman then asked the waiter for a cucumber and she stuffed the whole thing inside her.
The third looked at them and smiled as she slipped down the bar stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baoe4u/3_women_in_a_bar/
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There's nothing wrong with being a self-made man...

Unless you have a time machine and an Oedipus complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bao1vv/theres_nothing_wrong_with_being_a_selfmade_man/
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A bear walks into McDonald’s

and goes to order at the cash register.
“What can I get for you, sir?” Asked the employee.
“I would like a Big Mac... ... ... ... ... ... and fries.”
“What’s with the big pause there, sir?”
The bear looks down, “Oh these? I was born with them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/banyx6/a_bear_walks_into_mcdonalds/
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Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East?

Because they’re all targets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/banvee/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_the_middle_east/
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Why do you pronounce the word ‘tea’ like just ‘t’?

You have to pay for the ‘ea’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/banpt1/why_do_you_pronounce_the_word_tea_like_just_t/
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In the late 1940s a group of physicists got their hands on a battleship gun barrel to use for their experiments.

So they modified and used the barrel as a particle accelerator.
But the problem was that the actual machines they used for the experiment was on one end of of the barrel or the other. So it was very difficult for them to adjust parts of the experiment.
So what they did is that they would have this  small and skinny grad student crawl into the barrel to get adjust things for the scientists.
When the kid graduated a professor was asked if he had anything to say about the student.
He said “you know I’m kinda sad because I don’t think I’ll ever find another student of this caliber”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/banhva/in_the_late_1940s_a_group_of_physicists_got_their/
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What’s Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O’Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/banh26/whats_irish_and_stays_out_all_night/
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What is the most expensive haircut

Chemo Therapy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baneo3/what_is_the_most_expensive_haircut/
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Why do you always need a jew in a coffee shop?

Cause hebrews the coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bana72/why_do_you_always_need_a_jew_in_a_coffee_shop/
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Why can't you give Elsa (from Frozen) a balloon?

Because she'll let it go.
My 5-year-old son just told me this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ban9i1/why_cant_you_give_elsa_from_frozen_a_balloon/
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A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.
He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.
He is correct and is brought another pelt.
Again, he runs his hand over it and within seconds says" This one's a deer, shot with a 30 aught 6".
Again he is correct and the game continues for most of the night with the man flawlessly getting the answers correct and earning a lot of free drinks.
The next morning the man wakes up in bed and upon getting to the mirror, sees he has a black eye. He thinks back over the evening and doesn't remember getting into a fight, so he asks his wife if she knew what happened. She turns to him looking unimpressed and says "Yeah, you climbed into bed, felt me up and said skunk killed with an axe".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ban8ec/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_bets_drinks_that_while/
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How do anime fans diagnose health problens?

WeebMD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ban8bp/how_do_anime_fans_diagnose_health_problens/
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What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down stairs?

A condescending, con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ban6wu/what_do_you_call_a_patronizing_criminal_walking/
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Which fictional character would you totally bang?

your girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ban6rh/which_fictional_character_would_you_totally_bang/
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What does a female martial artist refer to masturbation as?

Hand to gland combat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ban60s/what_does_a_female_martial_artist_refer_to/
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Long

An abusive husband and his wife were lost in the desert. While their walking they stumbled upon an old lamp. The wife rubbed it and a genie.
Since he is a misogynist  he said : Ill give you three wishes , but for each wish your husband will get it ten folds...
The wife was shocked and vanquished. After careful thinking she replied if your bound to your word I agree.
Of course I bind to my word woman...! He yelled.
What is your first wish ? The genie asked.
To be the prettiest women. She replied.
Immediately she became beautiful and her husband became very handsome.
What is your second wish ?The genie asked.
To be rich. She answered.
Immediately she became wealthy and her husband became very rich.
What is your third wish ?The genie asked.
To have a very minor heart attack. She replied slyly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ban1cp/long/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickalotopuss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bamyco/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
When one door closes, and another one opens

Your house is haunted, and you need to run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bamxx2/when_one_door_closes_and_another_one_opens/
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What’s the opposite of a Microwave?

A Tsunami.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bamxco/whats_the_opposite_of_a_microwave/
%
A guy shows up to a Halloween party...

No shoes, shirt, socks...
The hosts asks: what are you supposed to be?
A pre-mature ejaculation. I just came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bamwah/a_guy_shows_up_to_a_halloween_party/
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What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their wedding night?

So that's why you call it "Microsoft".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bamovz/what_did_bill_gates_wife_say_to_him_on_their/
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What do you call an Irishman that won't stop bouncing off the walls?

Rick O'Shea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bamo7u/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_that_wont_stop/
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The best police in the world: FBI, Scotland Yard or Brazilian Police

FBI, Scotland Yard and the brazilian police were in a competition to determine the best police in the world. A international jury released a rabbit in a dark forest.
The FBI started the search using high-tech localization techniques, satellite maps, nightvision goggles and a DNA tracer. The american squad found the rabbit in 35 minutes.
The jury released the rabbit in the forest again and the Scotland Yard started searching using interview techniques with the rabbit's parents, they made a psychological profile of the little animal and a intense study of the rabbit's habits. They found the rabbit in 26 minutes.
Again the rabbit was released in the dark forest and the brazilian police started searching. In 3 minutes they returned with a hedgehog. The hedgehog had 4 fractured paws and 8 dislocations, 11 bruises and screamed in fear
"I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit I swear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bamhhi/the_best_police_in_the_world_fbi_scotland_yard_or/
%
Did you hear about Brad Pitt's buttocks reduction surgery?

Now he's a bottomless pitt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bam63a/did_you_hear_about_brad_pitts_buttocks_reduction/
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The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bam0dp/the_female_janitor_at_my_building_asked_if_i/
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I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said "yes!"

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/balxtd/i_proposed_to_my_russian_girlfriend_and_she_said/
%
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/balul0/in_another_town_the_cowboy_rides_in_wearing_a/
%
Just found out my OBGYN is deaf

Guess that makes him a lip reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/balti6/just_found_out_my_obgyn_is_deaf/
%
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow?

There were headlines everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/balix3/did_you_hear_about_the_corduroy_pillow/
%
Three guys die and go to Heaven...

When they go to approach the pearly gates suddenly Satan pops out and tells them, "Sorry Heaven is full! If you want to get in you gotta give me a question I can't answer correctly and I will let you in!"
The first guy steps forward. "I was a philosopher in my life and I can garuntee you don't know the meaning of life as no being can know such a truth." Satan sits him down and explains it all to him then The Devil snaps his fingers and the philosopher falls through the clouds and falls striaght into Hell.
The second guy steps up, "I was a mathematician on Earth and I present to you an impossible equation, not even Einstien or Stephen Hawking could figure this one out!" Satan poofs a chalkboard up writes it down then after a few minutes jots down the solution much to the mathematicians horror. Another snap and he is sent through the clouds into hell.
The third guy steps up. "Satan I'm just a simple redneck so I have a simple challenge for you, give me a chair." A single snap and a chair appears. "Now Satan I want you to drill 10 holes in the chair." Another snap and there are 10 holes in the seat of the chair. The redneck sits down on the chair and let's our the loudest meatiest fart possible. When the fog clears he stands up and asks, "what hole did that fart go through." Satan examines the chair and states. "Clearly it went through the 3rd hole to the left." The redneck laughs and says, "Nope! It went through my asshole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/balgjp/three_guys_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens.

But not as my full time job, just a way to make hens meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/balemz/im_thinking_of_starting_a_social_media_network/
%
I was just walking down the road when someone threw a full block of cheese at me

I told them “That wasn’t very mature was it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/balcpr/i_was_just_walking_down_the_road_when_someone/
%
I'm writing a horror movie script about a sentient pen and it's going really well so far

It's practically writing itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bala3g/im_writing_a_horror_movie_script_about_a_sentient/
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A man is walking down a beach when he spots a bottle with a cork in it.

He opens the bottle and out comes a genie. The genie is grateful to be out of the bottle and offers the man three wishes to be granted.
The man first wishes for a billion dollars in an offshore Swiss bank account. There's a flash of light and in his hand is a receipt for a billion dollars in a Swiss account.
Next he wishes for a brand new red Ferrari. Another flash of light and right next to him is a brand new Ferrari with the keys in the ignition.
For his third wish he tells the genie he wants to become irresistible to women. A huge flash of light and he instantly becomes a box of chocolates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bal9ot/a_man_is_walking_down_a_beach_when_he_spots_a/
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My friend asked me, “Hey, what does the ‘r’ in r/jokes stand for?”

I said, “Reposted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bal80s/my_friend_asked_me_hey_what_does_the_r_in_rjokes/
%
A mother called the doctor about her teenage daughter. "She refuses to eat anything but yeast and car wax. Now she's lying in bed asleep and I can't wake her. What should I do?" "There's nothing to worry about." said the doctor,

"she'll rise and shine soon enough..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bal5ok/a_mother_called_the_doctor_about_her_teenage/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bakuox/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.
“Where your clothes at, Slim?”
“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’
So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘You like what you see?’ Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, I do!’”
Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’
So I pulled on my boots and here I am.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baktwd/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_saloon_naked/
%
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it.
“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?”
“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.
The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was.
“This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself.
So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bako05/a_man_is_lost_in_the_woods_and_it_is_getting_dark/
%
Why did the cannibal go to the women's shelter?

He heard they had battered women there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bakld8/why_did_the_cannibal_go_to_the_womens_shelter/
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A couple walks into a pharmacy looking for anal wash

"Do you guys have an asshole douche?"
They all point to the manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bakjxc/a_couple_walks_into_a_pharmacy_looking_for_anal/
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What are the three Rs of reddit

Reuse reduce repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bakjpz/what_are_the_three_rs_of_reddit/
%
Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bakizr/why_is_being_in_the_military_like_a_blowjob/
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Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bakino/men_vacuum_in_the_same_way_that_they_have_sex/
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Two cows stood in a field...

The first one said "MooooOOOOoooo"
The second one said "You bastard, I was gonna say that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bakg5p/two_cows_stood_in_a_field/
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Why do anti-vaxxers make bad hitmen?

Because they can never take the shot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bakfk9/why_do_antivaxxers_make_bad_hitmen/
%
What group of people’s favorite element is Nickel?

The Knights who say Ni!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bakdbo/what_group_of_peoples_favorite_element_is_nickel/
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A man tells his best friend (NSFW)

"my wife isn't able to cum, she tells me that she get too hot and just can't get there.."
"how about I come over and Waff a wet towel around, while you two are going at it to cool her off" offers the friend
The husband agrees and the next time the couple go at it, the friend comes over and starting waffing the towel around while they do the business.
The wife is getting close but the husband starts to get tired and asks his friend to trade places.
He agrees and trade places, a few moments later, the wife is screaming and cumming.
The husband exclaims "now thats how you waff a fucking towel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bakd7b/a_man_tells_his_best_friend_nsfw/
%
What's the difference between a groupie and a roadie?

At least the roadie gets paid after getting fucked by the band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bakbab/whats_the_difference_between_a_groupie_and_a/
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An Indian tribe captured three men and told them all to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they don’t they’ll kill them

The first comes back with 10 apples, and the tribe members told him to put all of them in his ass without making a sound or they’ll kill him. After the second apple he screamed and they killed him. The next came back with 10 grapes...8...9... still counting up then he laughed and they killed him.
Up in heaven the first man asked the second why he had laughed because he almost lived. The second man then told him he saw the third man come back with fucking pineapples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bakavk/an_indian_tribe_captured_three_men_and_told_them/
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An oldie but a goodie...

A vaccinated person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bak8hi/an_oldie_but_a_goodie/
%
A drunk man got on Mercedes-Benz model taxi

He asks the driver:"Why is the hood ornament on mercs like that"
Driver jokingly answered:"so its easier to aim when running over pedestrians.
See that old lady crossing the road over there?"
The driver starts to acclerate towards her and on the last moment avoids her.
"what was that sound?" the driver asks.
"you missed her so i got her with my door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bak0om/a_drunk_man_got_on_mercedesbenz_model_taxi/
%
I took the shell off my racing snail hoping it would go faster...

But now it’s more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bajxop/i_took_the_shell_off_my_racing_snail_hoping_it/
%
To whoever stole my antidepressants,

I hope you're happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bajw3x/to_whoever_stole_my_antidepressants/
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If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

Agstralia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bajptu/if_you_find_gold_in_australia_where_should_you/
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Luck of the jewish

means waking around the middle east for 40 years and settling in the only place with no oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bajm9z/luck_of_the_jewish/
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Orion's belt is the biggest waist of space.

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bajlgg/orions_belt_is_the_biggest_waist_of_space/
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The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy...

So I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable Wi-Fi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bajgh8/the_internet_connection_at_my_farm_is_really/
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What did the man say to the Queen after she told him he was to be put to death by guillotine?

“So no head?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baj8i5/what_did_the_man_say_to_the_queen_after_she_told/
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A young man walks into a record store and asks the clerk, “Do you have anything by the Doors?”

“Sure,” replies the clerk, “a mop bucket and a fire extinguisher.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baj56l/a_young_man_walks_into_a_record_store_and_asks/
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Jesus and his apostles walk into a restaurant

Jesus:  Table for 26 please.
Hostess:  But there’s only 13 of you.
Jesus:  We like to all sit on one side of the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baj50l/jesus_and_his_apostles_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sees a very small man playing the piano. The guy couldn’t be more than a foot tall he was that short. The man walks up to the bartender and says “woah, does this place have any other cool tricks?”
The bartender replies “sure, there’s a magic mirror in the bathroom.” The man, now curious, goes into the bathroom.
“Whaddaya want?” Says the mirror with a thick Boston accent.
“I want a million bucks!” Shouts the man.
“Done” says the mirror.
The man walks out into the front of the bar to see more ducks than he’s ever seen in his life! Angrily he walks up to the bartender and says “hey! I wanted a million bucks but got a million DUCKS!” The bartender shrugs and says “you really think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baj2hp/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baixdp/a_guy_bought_his_wife_a_beautiful_diamond_ring/
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What car can anyone buy?

A Ford.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baiwzq/what_car_can_anyone_buy/
%
Wife: I’m pregnant. -Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad

Wife: No you’re not.
disclaimer: not OC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baithc/wife_im_pregnant_husband_hi_pregnant_im_dad/
%
A wife goes to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband is missing.

The policeman asks for a description. She says, “He’s thirty-five years old, six foot four, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor protests, “Your husband is five foot four, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
The wife replies, “Yes, but who wants him back?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baipnx/a_wife_goes_to_the_police_station_with_her/
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Little Johnny gets on the pubic bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

He keeps saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I'd be a chick. If my mom was a doe and my dad was a buck, I'd be a fawn."
The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to Little Johnny, saying, "What if your mom was a whore and your dad was a queer?"
Little Johnny responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baiovq/little_johnny_gets_on_the_pubic_bus_and_sits/
%
A family moves into their new house.

Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place.
“It’s terrific,” he says. “I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baikkd/a_family_moves_into_their_new_house/
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How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baigtr/how_many_teenagers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Two golfers are starting a round. “That’s a weird-looking ball you’re using. What kind is it?”

“Oh, it’s awesome,” the second golfer exclaims. “It’s a completely unlosable ball! If it goes into the bushes, the ball lights up. If it lands in a water hazard, it floats to the surface. If it’s dark out, it emits a beeping sound until you find it. The ball is sensational.”
“Wow, that’s amazing,” says the first golfer. “Where did you get it?”
“Last time I golfed,” reveals the second golfer, “I found it in the woods.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baiajo/two_golfers_are_starting_a_round_thats_a/
%
My boss fired me for being on Twitter at work

I don't think he understands how a social media manager works...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bai8y1/my_boss_fired_me_for_being_on_twitter_at_work/
%
My friend was recently in an accident and his entire left body was paralysed.

I guess he’s all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bai7td/my_friend_was_recently_in_an_accident_and_his/
%
A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.

He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, “Hey, do you see my ear down there?”
The guy on the street picks up an ear. “Is this it?”
“No,” replies the construction worker, “Mine had a pencil behind it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bai62w/a_construction_worker_accidentally_cuts_off_one/
%
A skydiving instructor is answering questions for his beginner’s class.

“So if my parachute doesn’t open,” a student asks, “and my reserve chute doesn’t work, how long have I got until I hit the ground?”
The instructor tells the man, “You’ve got the rest of your life.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bai1ho/a_skydiving_instructor_is_answering_questions_for/
%
Ma comes marching into the kitchen and hollers, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bai0p0/ma_comes_marching_into_the_kitchen_and_hollers_pa/
%
Two whales are sitting in a bar...

One whale says : Aaaoohoaawaoooooo
The other says : Dude, you are so drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bahxii/two_whales_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
*tips fedora at mosquito*

M'laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bahvud/tips_fedora_at_mosquito/
%
Why shouldn't the corn dog & the pig in a blanket have kids together?

They're both inbred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bahv71/why_shouldnt_the_corn_dog_the_pig_in_a_blanket/
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Have you tried the reaffirming cream I gave you?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bahuv7/have_you_tried_the_reaffirming_cream_i_gave_you/
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Jesus goes to a restaurant.

The waiter comes to his table and asks, “What would you like to drink?”
Jesus replies, “Water, please.”
The waiter then says, “Wine it is.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bahuny/jesus_goes_to_a_restaurant/
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I'm glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.

Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bahtbq/im_glad_to_see_reddit_is_meeting_its_goals_to/
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Jesus' Birthday

I've been hearing that Jesus wasnt even born December 25. Some experts think he could have been born in the spring.
At least we have the date of his death nailed down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bahpm9/jesus_birthday/
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What do the mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bahkfo/what_do_the_mafia_and_pussies_have_in_common/
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My wife and I went to Spain

The other week I went to Barcelona for a vacation with my wife. We stayed at a small local hotel about 30 minutes from the city. The first day we had a great time going around las ramblas and going taking pictures at La Sagrada familia. That night we even attended a Barcelona game against Real Madrid. It was a great game, but unfortunately ended in a draw. We took a taxi back to the hotel, but on the way I started to feel funny. I had some pains in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day I had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack! I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel! The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.
I said “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”
She replied “no one expects the Spanish inn physician.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bahk8g/my_wife_and_i_went_to_spain/
%
So this 75 old fella is walking along and this frog shouts up from the gutter...

So this 75 old fella is walking along and this frog shouts up from the gutter "Hey, I'm actually a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I'll change back and you can make love to me all day every day forever". So the old fella picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. She shouts. "Hey, didn't you hear, I'm a beautiful princess and you can make love to me every day and all day", and the owd fella replies, "luv, when you get to my age you'd sooner have a talking frog". Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bahiza/so_this_75_old_fella_is_walking_along_and_this/
%
The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires.

“I don’t believe it!” he cries out. “I’ve lost 100 pounds!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bahiig/the_town_drunk_stumbles_over_to_a_parking_meter/
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A woman is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.

“This is the middle school calling about your son Phillip. He’s been caught telling unbelievable lies.”
“I’ll say he has,” the woman replies. “I don’t have a son.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bahg7y/a_woman_is_getting_lunch_ready_when_the_phone/
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People say that without college I'm nothin

Bitch please I don't need a degree to be a clothing hanger
*Hooks onto clothing rack*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bahe50/people_say_that_without_college_im_nothin/
%
Great students get A+ on their computer's exam

Genius student get C++

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bahbs1/great_students_get_a_on_their_computers_exam/
%
A man is stuck inside a public restroom without any toilet paper.

He calls over to the man in the next stall, “Hey, you got any extra toilet paper in there?”
“No,” replies the man.
“You got any newspaper over there?” the stranded man asks.
“Nope,” the second man replies.
After a moment of silence, the first man asks the second, “You got two fives for a ten?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bah78n/a_man_is_stuck_inside_a_public_restroom_without/
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People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf.

He didn't listen though.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bah6yo/people_told_beethoven_he_could_not_be_a_musician/
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My wife told me that I remind her of a pizza

I asked if it was because I was so cheesy but she said, "no, it's because I want you to go"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bah6nu/my_wife_told_me_that_i_remind_her_of_a_pizza/
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Working on the computer is like driving a submarine.

Once you open windows, the problems begin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bah5ta/working_on_the_computer_is_like_driving_a/
%
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bagurw/several_centuries_ago_the_pope_decreed_that_all/
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How do you say "let's go eat ham" in Spanish?

Jamon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bagqys/how_do_you_say_lets_go_eat_ham_in_spanish/
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A couple decides to spend a vacation in a Caribbean beach, in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago, but due to work problems, the woman could not travel with her husband, so she would catch him in few days.

When the man arrived at the hotel, he saw there was a computer with Internet connection in the room. So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife but, he made a mistake in a letter and without realizing he sent it to another address ... The e-mail is received by a widow who had just arrived from her husband's funeral, and who, upon reading the e-mail, instantly fainted. She was found passed out on the floor by her son, next to the computer and he read the message,
Dear wife: I arrived safely. Probably you will be surprised to receive news from me in this way, but now you have a computer here and you can send messages to your loved ones. I just arrived and I have verified that everything is ready for your arrival this coming Friday. I really want to see you and I hope your trip is as calm and relaxed as it has been mine. Do not bring a lot of clothes. the heat here infernal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bagp91/a_couple_decides_to_spend_a_vacation_in_a/
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A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana

.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.  She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bagock/a_blonde_was_on_vacation_in_the_depths_of/
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Throwing acid is wrong.

In some people's eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bagmn3/throwing_acid_is_wrong/
%
My local mirror shop got robbed at gunpoint...

I couldn't see myself going there again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bagl6x/my_local_mirror_shop_got_robbed_at_gunpoint/
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Two noble gases walk into a bar

They order 2 drinks.
The bartender said " we don't serve noble gases here".
They have no reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baget0/two_noble_gases_walk_into_a_bar/
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A Successful Lawyer

A  son moved away to go to college, taking leave of his family and the  family dog, Blue. A few months later, his father got a call from his  son.
"Dad," he said, "there's an amazing program here that teaches dogs to talk!"
That's amazing!' his dad said. 'How do I get Blue into that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the son said. 'I'll get him into the course.'
So his father sent the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the boy called home again.
'So, how's Blue doing, son?' his father enquired.
'Awesome!  Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this.  They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the  dogs how to read.'
'Read?' exclaimed his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him into the class.'
The money promptly arrived.
But  our hero noticed an impending problem. At the end of the year, his  father would find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.
Then,  finally, he came up with a plan. First he gave the dog to a nice  family. Then he went home at the end of the year to see his excited  father.
'Where's Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,'  the boy said. 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we  left to drive home, Blue kicked back in the recliner to read the Wall  Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your  dad still seeing that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groaned and whispered, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talked to your mother!'
'I sure did, dad!'
'That's my boy!'
**The lad went on to be a successful lawyer.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bage23/a_successful_lawyer/
%
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snow... balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bagct9/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
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A new law is passed in the wild west, which states: “For every Indian scalp one shall receive $10 as a reward.” Two cowboys agree to go bounty hunting the next day.

They set out early in the morning but spend the whole day without any luck. Finally, tired and exhausted, the two cowboys wander upon a lone Indian, obviously lost from his tribe.
Out of desperation they catch him, cut off his scalp, throw it in a bag and leave the body lying there.
They call it a day and set up a camp, instantly falling asleep.
The following morning one of the cowboys wakes up, stretches and walks out of the tent. He glances over to see thousands of Indians, armed to the teeth. The cowboy, shivering, rushes back inside and starts shaking his friend.
- Jack! Jack, wake up! You won’t believe it! We’re fucking millionaires!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bagb6h/a_new_law_is_passed_in_the_wild_west_which_states/
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I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but...

It’s tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bagasv/id_like_to_tell_you_folks_a_joke_about_paper_but/
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The Snuggle

Wife: This is why we don't snuggle. You can't control yourself.
Husband: I can control myself. It's just we have not been this physically close in a while.Trust me, you are a mood killer now anyway.
Wife: Get him over here! I'm not a mood killer.
Husband: Now who can't control themselves again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bag3zt/the_snuggle/
%
is hating a certain race ok?

I run 5k but my friends run 18 k and I hate running the 18k marathon. What do I do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafxsk/is_hating_a_certain_race_ok/
%
What can be both a sex position and a fruit?

A chestnut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafwww/what_can_be_both_a_sex_position_and_a_fruit/
%
Cardi B walked into a bar

Oh crap I forgot what happens next

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baftzl/cardi_b_walked_into_a_bar/
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Gods new reqirement to get into heaven.

God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?"
"Yes Sir" Peter replied.
With that God left and Peter called the first soul forward. "New rule mate. You have to tell me what your last day on Earth was like."
Soul 1 says "Well it was not good i tell ya. I had long suspected that my wife was cheating on me. So i decided that i would leave work early to go back to my appartment on the 20th floor and catch her. When i got in the house i found my wife alone naked in bed, surprised to see me. So i start searching the house and couldnt find anyone. I was about to give up when i saw some finger tips on my balcony and sure enogh there was a man hanging there. So with out so much as a houd ya do i stomped on his fingers and down he went. Unfortunately he survived because some trees broke his fall so i grabed the closest heavy thing i saw, which happened to be my fridge, and threw it off the balcony. BAM got him dead on. I laughed so hard i had a heart attack and died."
Peter though 'well he died laughing but he did find his wife cheating so i guess it was bad' so he let him through. Before he could consider the fact that he had just let a murderer into heaven another soul came forward.
"Wait a minute mate. New rules, what was the day like the day you died?"
Soul 2 said "It wasnt good sir. I was practicing yoga on my 21st floor balcony when i suddenly sliped over the balcony. Luckily i caught hold of the balcony below mine. Then, out of nowhere, this phyco comes storming out and stamps on my fingers. I fell but lived and as i was recuperating from my trauma i look up to see a fridge falling on me. Then i died"
Peter at this point is laughing his arse off but waves soul 2 through. He then calls "Next!!" and soul 3 comes forward.
Peter says "New rules, what was the day like the day you died?"
Soul 3 says "Well picture this. Im naked in a fridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafswd/gods_new_reqirement_to_get_into_heaven/
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafs71/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
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One of my friends is a nurse who used to throw up everytime someone with no feet came into her ward.

Turns out she was lack toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafrm0/one_of_my_friends_is_a_nurse_who_used_to_throw_up/
%
A man rings the doorbell of a small house and an old woman answers.

“I’m sorry,” the man says, “but I’m afraid I’ve run over your cat. I’d like to replace it if I can.”
“All right,” the old woman says. “But how good are you at catching mice?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafq9o/a_man_rings_the_doorbell_of_a_small_house_and_an/
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What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafq2y/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
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A police officer and a hot blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"
"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;
"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafpsl/a_police_officer_and_a_hot_blonde/
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My girlfriend moans every time we go swimming, so I've nicknamed her Jesus.

Because she's always turning water into whine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafpkm/my_girlfriend_moans_every_time_we_go_swimming_so/
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My girlfriend told me she wanted to try road head!

Of course I was down! So we went for a long drive, turned the cruise control on, and she got to work.
It was great.
I don't think I want to try it again though, it was pretty difficult steering from the passenger seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafok1/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_wanted_to_try_road_head/
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Do you know who’s really good at deadlifting?

Pallbearers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafntu/do_you_know_whos_really_good_at_deadlifting/
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Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?

a Calendar has dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafnhr/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_calendar/
%
I ran behind the bus and finally able to catch it. I approached the bus driver and said

"Is this bus your mom?"
He: No
"your wife"
He: No
"Sister"
He: No
"Then why the hell you won't allowing me to ride?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafngb/i_ran_behind_the_bus_and_finally_able_to_catch_it/
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One time in English Class our teacher asked us to make a sentence with the word “Dandelion”.

Carl says “The dandelion is beautiful.”
The Jamaican Transfer Student then says “The cheetah is faster DanDeLion.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baflb8/one_time_in_english_class_our_teacher_asked_us_to/
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Mrs. Jones, can Tommy come out and play?

Now Billy you know Tommy doesn’t have arm or legs.
I know. We want to use him as second base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafksy/mrs_jones_can_tommy_come_out_and_play/
%
What did the religious lettuce say to the other vegetables?

...Lettuce pray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafhv8/what_did_the_religious_lettuce_say_to_the_other/
%
After years of gambling, an unlucky gambler finally figures out the way to leave Las Vegas with a small fortune.

He goes to Las Vegas with a large fortune.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafe8z/after_years_of_gambling_an_unlucky_gambler/
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Two young boys are talking before school.

“My uncle ran for Senate last year,” the first boy says to his classmate.
“Really?” the second boy asks. “What does he do now?”
“Nothing,” the first boy explains. “He got elected.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bafaq0/two_young_boys_are_talking_before_school/
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My friend failed every exam he ever took and didn't complete his studies. Yet, he's rising to the top.

He's a window cleaner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baf9rv/my_friend_failed_every_exam_he_ever_took_and/
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I am sorry

There was once a man who always bought the latest Iphones. He had been buying since the first Iphone. Every time he bought one, he would take it to a nearby bar and start banging it relentlessly on the corner of the table.
This occurred many times but no one ever questioned him, everyone at the bar just watched him while cringing at the beat up phone that was brand new. Many people started questioning his sanity but the Barman did not mind as he was the longest customer of that bar. He respected the man so much, that he never once thought of repairing the table he sat on.
When the Iphone X came out, many people worried that the man may be wasting money on the phone, went to the bar to stop him. When the day arrived and the man entered the bar, everyone eyed him warily. The man took out the brand new phone and started doing what he did for so many years .
Before the other people watching could stop him, the corner of the table fell because of the years of damage done to it by the man. The man exclaimed and said " Now THIS is cutting edge technology! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baf6ur/i_am_sorry/
%
Where do you learn how to make ice cream?

Sunday school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baf6kl/where_do_you_learn_how_to_make_ice_cream/
%
A college professor was very worried about his recent study on earthquakes.

It turns out his findings were on shaky ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baf645/a_college_professor_was_very_worried_about_his/
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A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs.

He says to the bartender, "ello mate, can I get a pint of bitter?" The bartender says "sure thing, but why is there a steering wheel between your legs?" The man says "No idea mate, but its driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baf537/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.
The place goes dead silent. The cowboy orders a drink, and the bartender asks, “Boy, you know you ain’t got no clothes on?”
“Yup,” drawls the cowboy, “but it ain’t my fault.”
“Ain’t yer fault?” says another fella in disbelief. “How’d you get nekkid, then?”
The cowboy sets his drink down and says, “I was watering the horses outside the stables when a beautiful blonde pulls up in her car. She gets out and says, ‘I got somethin’ I wanna show you inside. Follow me.’ So I follow her into an empty stall.”
There’s a murmur among the other cowboys. He continues.
“She says, ‘I like the look of you. Take off your clothes.’ So I did. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘Do you like what you see?’ I tell you what, she had the most beautiful body I ever seen!”
“So what did you do?” asked another cowboy.
“Well, I said, ‘Yes, ma’am!’ Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Get on top of me.’
“Well, she didn’t have to ask me twice! I get on top of her, but then she says, ‘Go to town, Cowboy!’”
“So I pulled on my boots, and here I am.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baexee/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_saloon_naked/
%
My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baetcd/my_therapist_said_i_should_identify_the_people_in/
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French people on the rollercoaster being like...

Ouiii.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baemdb/french_people_on_the_rollercoaster_being_like/
%
This one is sure to rope you in

A rumor was circulating around work that a coworker had hung himself. We were all pretty taken aback by it as he was kind of the office clown, always cheerful and cracking jokes. He just didn't seem like the type. We were even more taken aback when he showed up to work the next day, healthy as can be. When confronted about the suicide rumor he responded plainly, "Me? Suicide? That was obviously fake noose".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bael37/this_one_is_sure_to_rope_you_in/
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"No Jews Allowed"

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'
Sending a written message, the captain replied:
'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.
One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'
Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'
'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baekj0/no_jews_allowed/
%
Drugs don't ruin careers

Drug Tests do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baej3t/drugs_dont_ruin_careers/
%
How do refer to a abortion in Czechoslovakia?

A cancelled check....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baegnv/how_do_refer_to_a_abortion_in_czechoslovakia/
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Highway Dildo

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.
When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield
The little girl asks: Mommy, what was that?
The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: It was just a bug honey.
The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: It sure had a big dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baefhl/highway_dildo/
%
Arthur is 75 years old and played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”
“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.
“I don’t remember.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baec5s/arthur_is_75_years_old_and_played_golf_every_day/
%
The future, past and present walk into a bar

It was tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baebof/the_future_past_and_present_walk_into_a_bar/
%
When Amy Schumer was growing up and she told people that she wanted to be a comedian, people laughed at her.

No one is laughing now.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bae5uw/when_amy_schumer_was_growing_up_and_she_told/
%
This girl I saw on the street told me that she knew me from the Vegeterian Club.

But I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bae55p/this_girl_i_saw_on_the_street_told_me_that_she/
%
Tried dark humour last night.

Nobody could see the punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/badxfb/tried_dark_humour_last_night/
%
Sometimes I feel bad for sewage workers

They get shit from everybody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baduat/sometimes_i_feel_bad_for_sewage_workers/
%
Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?

Not enough people really talk about England very much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/badssl/can_we_take_a_serious_moment_to_raise_awareness/
%
I like minimalistic jokes

Punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/badsm4/i_like_minimalistic_jokes/
%
Why can't you trust dung beetles?

Because they're full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/badr3c/why_cant_you_trust_dung_beetles/
%
A cowboy's horse died on the trail so he had to walk for three days to the next town.He looked everywhere in that town but nobody had an extra horse they could sell.So he took a two day journey to the next town only to find himself in the same situation.However,he did stop by a stable and a man

Suggested he see his brother who runs a stable two days walk just south of town.He finds the stable and near death from exhaustion asks"hey mister,I hear you might have a horse for sale."The stable owner says"well I have one,but he don't look so good."The man replied"I've been walking for nearly a week.Im tired,dirty,and damn near dead from exhaustion.Ill take him.So when a price was settled upon,the man jumps on the horse ,the horse takes off,bumps into a tree and stops.He complains,"hey,you sold me a blind horse".whereas he shot back,"I told you he don't look so good".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/badlqv/a_cowboys_horse_died_on_the_trail_so_he_had_to/
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What do you call a place where Italian immigrants live?

A spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/badlc6/what_do_you_call_a_place_where_italian_immigrants/
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A joke an old man told me at work

An Irish cruise ship is headed back from the Bahamas on its last night at sea. Right around dinner time, the captain gets on the loudspeaker.
“This is your captain speaking. There has been a mix up in our supply. While there are 1,000 passengers on board, we only have 750 meals for you all tonight. However, we do have an excess of booze, so anyone who is willing to give up their meal for tonight will receive free drinks for the rest of the cruise”
Two hours later, the captain gets on the loudspeaker again.
“Ladies and gentleman, I apologize but it appears we have run out of booze. On the upside, we still have 750 delicious meals for you to enjoy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/badjh5/a_joke_an_old_man_told_me_at_work/
%
A Physicist, a Mathematics Professor, and a Statistician go out on a hunting trip.

They all spot a deer, sitting out in the open, totally exposed. The mathematics professor loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the right. The shot shocks the deer and it freezes in place. The physicist then loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the left. The statistician cries out with excitement "We got him, boys! Right between the eyes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/badcsk/a_physicist_a_mathematics_professor_and_a/
%
A college student, A banker, and a bomber are on a plane

They are losing altitude and fast. The pilot says they need to lose some weight if they want to survive. The college student drops his backpack. The banker drops a large safe. The bomber drops a bomb.
A few hours later, walking down the street, a child is sitting crying on the curb. A man asks what’s wrong and the child replies, “I was with my daddy and a big bag of books fell on him and he died!”
With an apology, the man carries on walking. A little more ways down, a young man is crying. When asked what happened, he says, “I was with my girlfriend and a safe fell on her! She was killed!” He cries. With another apology, the man is on his way again.
Further down the road, a boy is laughing so hard he is crying and the man asks what happened. Why was the boy laughing so hard?
The boy laughed harder, smiling when he responded. “I was watching TV with my dad, ready to help move the couch! And then my dad farted and the house exploded!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bada70/a_college_student_a_banker_and_a_bomber_are_on_a/
%
What do you call the desire to over engineer buildings?

A complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bad8oa/what_do_you_call_the_desire_to_over_engineer/
%
What did Jesus say to the sick dog?

Heal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bad700/what_did_jesus_say_to_the_sick_dog/
%
Ahh vaginas ....

9 months coming out , rest of your life trying to get back in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bad142/ahh_vaginas/
%
Patient: Doctor, I have accidentally swallowed the “DO NOT EAT” packet from my new shoes, will I die?!!

Doctor: Well, everyone’s going to die eventually.
Patient; Everyone?!.. Oh my god, what have I done?!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baczag/patient_doctor_i_have_accidentally_swallowed_the/
%
Therapist: what was you biggest fear again?

Me: the kool-aid man
Therapist: oh yeah
Me: Oh No

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bacrtw/therapist_what_was_you_biggest_fear_again/
%
Why is smoking illegal in the Shire?

It's a bad hobbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bacrrq/why_is_smoking_illegal_in_the_shire/
%
What do you call a dog that can perform magic?

A labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bacmy9/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_can_perform_magic/
%
A kid hand in his homework and the teacher says,

"Your presentation is misssing."
And the kid replies with,
"Oh I'm sorry. Ladies and gentlements, my HOMEWORK."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bacjtw/a_kid_hand_in_his_homework_and_the_teacher_says/
%
a man with indecicivness walks in to bar

and then walks out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bacitc/a_man_with_indecicivness_walks_in_to_bar/
%
Hey is the pope catholic?

atheist: what...vow would I know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baci4y/hey_is_the_pope_catholic/
%
I asked by mom if I was adopted.

She said, "No, why would I choose you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baccus/i_asked_by_mom_if_i_was_adopted/
%
How do you say 'bra' in German?

Das Schutzstopfempfrompflappen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bacc7z/how_do_you_say_bra_in_german/
%
I used to hate having no hair

Then it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bac9xe/i_used_to_hate_having_no_hair/
%
If America had stayed out of the Vietnam war

It would have been a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bac7dg/if_america_had_stayed_out_of_the_vietnam_war/
%
Australians dont have sex

Australians mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bac787/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
What do they call gay porn in Ireland?

Gaelic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bac52l/what_do_they_call_gay_porn_in_ireland/
%
So, I've dating a really Sweet Korean girl...

I think she's my Seoul mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babzjy/so_ive_dating_a_really_sweet_korean_girl/
%
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babxzg/have_you_heard_about_corduroy_pillows/
%
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter...

I slid my finger back out... and within seconds she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babwkb/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole_i/
%
A naked woman robs a bank

Nobody saw her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babvx9/a_naked_woman_robs_a_bank/
%
New job

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
“OK, have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”
Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes.  A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service!  Well that qualifies for extra bonus points.  Okay.”
Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.  Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM.  You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.”
The guy is puzzled and asks, “if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 AM?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says.  “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babuq9/new_job/
%
How do you know if someone is a vegan hipster with an iphone that vapes?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babrvx/how_do_you_know_if_someone_is_a_vegan_hipster/
%
Went to Deal or no Deal last week. Picked the $0.01 .

It was really the worst case scenario.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babrng/went_to_deal_or_no_deal_last_week_picked_the_001/
%
Communism jokes aren't that funny..

Unless everybody gets it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babqyo/communism_jokes_arent_that_funny/
%
A drunk man walked into a gas station

He had accidentally gotten gasoline on his arm while fueling his car, while he was paying for his gas he picked up a lighter and lit it up.  His arm immediately went up in flames.
When this happened a cop in the store pulled his gun and shot the man 10 times.  The attendant in a panic asked the cop why he shot the man.  The cop replied “he had a fire arm”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babm8b/a_drunk_man_walked_into_a_gas_station/
%
If Medusa had big boobs, she’d be highly ineffective towards men.

But then men quickly become hard when they look at her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bablxu/if_medusa_had_big_boobs_shed_be_highly/
%
”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babkji/waiter_what_is_that_bug_doing_in_my_salad/
%
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy...

So I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable WiFi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babjvf/the_internet_connection_at_my_farm_is_really/
%
He's gonna get it

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.
“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.
“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”
“My wife.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babjil/hes_gonna_get_it/
%
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words...

“stop shaking the ladder you little sh**”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babibq/ill_never_forget_my_grandpas_last_words/
%
Why did the man cross the road?

He had his dick stuck in a chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babhrv/why_did_the_man_cross_the_road/
%
I hate double standards.

Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babfqt/i_hate_double_standards/
%
They warned me that my dad that workes for the highways department was a kleptomaniac.

I refused to believe it but when we went to his office, All the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babex6/they_warned_me_that_my_dad_that_workes_for_the/
%
What is something that has Care in its title, but does not actually care?

Kare-n, cause she still won’t let me see the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/babb7l/what_is_something_that_has_care_in_its_title_but/
%
True story, and a disturbing one. Just want to make people aware of this.

Went to this liquor store after the gym today and the guy behind the counter asked if I wanted a free case of Guinness beer.
I said hell ya.
He said let me touch your dick for a little bit.
Fucking perverts are everywhere. You guys believe that shit.
Worst part was, the beer was warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bab9n3/true_story_and_a_disturbing_one_just_want_to_make/
%
The unfaithful wife

A couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times."
"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks.
Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.
"And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?"
"Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time? "
"Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"
"Yes, of course," said Sidney.
"Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"
"Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me!, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the third time?"
Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 8 more votes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bab5wm/the_unfaithful_wife/
%
Some lowlife stole my Tesla today.

I guess now it's an Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bab2g3/some_lowlife_stole_my_tesla_today/
%
Customer to sales girl, I'm here for the crazy pant's half off sale.

Salesgirl, Yes I know....I can clearly see your nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/bab0z1/customer_to_sales_girl_im_here_for_the_crazy/
%
You shouldn't refer to them as Shit Hole countries.

The proper term is Turd World.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baazk9/you_shouldnt_refer_to_them_as_shit_hole_countries/
%
Where do burgers go to dance?

The meatball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baaz13/where_do_burgers_go_to_dance/
%
Two Dragons walk into a bar

One says to the other one, "It's hot in here."
The other one says, "Well then shut your mouth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baay3r/two_dragons_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records up until...

I got kicked out of the library for being inappropriate...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baaolc/my_penis_was_in_the_guiness_book_of_world_records/
%
Astronomers were tired of watching the earth spin

So they called it a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baak97/astronomers_were_tired_of_watching_the_earth_spin/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baaiyc/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's short on cash. He proposes that he plays the piano in exchange for some drinks.

The bartender agrees and the guy walks over to the piano and starts playing. The bartender and patrons are amazed at the beautiful sounds that are produced from this old piano. He plays several songs in a row. After about 20 minutes he walks up to the bartender and asks if that was worthy of a drink.
"Son," the bartender replies, "that was some of the most beautiful music I've ever heard. I had to turn my back at one point and dab my eyes because it was so overwhelmingly beautiful. I've never heard such touching music. What are the names of those pieces you just played?"
The pianists eyes lit up. "Thank you, sir. Those are all original pieces I wrote they just came from the soul. In order, I call them, My Dick Drips with Pus, You Ruined My Mattress With Period Sex, My Ass Ain't Shittin' As Much As Drippin', and the last one was Cum On Your Face and Shit In Your Hair."
The bartender is flabbergasted. "Look sir. Your music is really beautiful. I can't tell you how much it touched my soul. Stay here and play tonight and I'll give you a tip cup and all the drinks you want. I just have one condition," he continues.
"Thank you for the opportunity sir. What's your condition?," the flattered and humbled pianist asks.
"Man, your music is beautiful but promise me you won't tell the customers any of the names of your songs. Some..not me...but some people might be put off by your titles, but otherwise it's some of the best piano I've ever heard."
The pianist readily agrees and starts to play. The bar fills up and his tip jar begins to overflow. He's drinking more and getting a little tipsy. The crowd is drinking and is just enthralled by this music. It's great for business as the bartender is noticing a full place and people that normally walk by are coming in to listen. Patrons are buying the pianist drinks as well. After a few hours, the pianist is getting wasted and needs to take a break.
He manages to stumble to he bathroom and pees. In his drunken state, he zips up his dick. It's hanging out and bleeding across the front of his pants but in his wasted state he doesn't notice and heads back out to the stage.
The patrons immediately notice and a guy in the front row shouts out "Hey, do you know your bloody dick is hanging out your fly?"
The pianist gets the hugest grin. "KNOW IT? I WROTE IT!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baaiqx/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_tells_the_bartender/
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How do you attract a priest who likes to play guitar?

B Minor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baah7r/how_do_you_attract_a_priest_who_likes_to_play/
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What fruit can't get married?

A cantaloupe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baacel/what_fruit_cant_get_married/
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Am I the only one who doesn’t like hypotenuse and opposite together?

It’s absolute sin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baaaep/am_i_the_only_one_who_doesnt_like_hypotenuse_and/
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Knock at the door

It's the middle of the night and a man awakes to a knock at the front door. He looks over to his nightstand and sees it's 2:00 in the morning. Angry and frustrated that someone is knocking this early in the morning, he gets up, throws something on, and goes to the door. Upon opening the door he doesn't see anyone. He's now very angry as he begins to close the door when he suddenly hears a voice.
"Wanna buy a newspaper, mister?"
There at his feet was a tiny snail with a bundle of newspapers. Out of sheer rage, the man kicks the snail down the street.
Three months later, the man hears a knock at the door. He looks down in surprise as the same snail is there before him. The snail looks at the man and says,
"What the fuck was that all about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baa9hv/knock_at_the_door/
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What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baa96z/whats_the_difference_between_anal_and_oral_sex/
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Why do Apple users live in basements?

Because they don't like Windows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/baa0ha/why_do_apple_users_live_in_basements/
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I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

Well, it was just collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba9zd3/ive_decided_to_sell_my_vacuum_cleaner/
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How do you date a communist?

Ignore the red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba9x6u/how_do_you_date_a_communist/
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Ah, Parents

So today I was playing on my phone. My mom was resting her head in my dads chest. They have been married for 17 years. She goes, “Your heartbeat is very loud.” My dad goes, “Yeah, well you won’t like it when that noise stops.” It was funny to me, I hope y’all find it as funny as I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba9qu9/ah_parents/
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba9npg/a_cowboy_rode_into_town_and_stopped_at_a_saloon/
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My girlfriend is so smart

Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day.
I borrowed my friend's phone to call her.
She answered "What's up baby?"
She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba9liw/my_girlfriend_is_so_smart/
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A black man and an ukrainan walk into a bar

A black man and a ukrainian walk into a bar in Moscow
They look at eachother for a while and then the black goes first:
Give me a shot of vodka!  -he says to the bartender  (he gets it and drinks it)
The ukrainian looks at him and orders a shot of whiskey  (he gets it and drinks it)
Give me a whole bottle of vodka!  -says the black man to the bartender  (he gets it and drinks it)
The ukrainian looks at him and orders a bottle of whiskey  (he gets it and drinks it)
The black man is out of ideas and breaks the vodka bottle on his head
So does the ukrainian...
The black man is again out of ideas and goes to unzip his pants, revealing his masive 25 cm dick, that even has a name
This is Bill   -he shows it off to the ukrainian
The ukrainian goes to unzip his pants too, revealing 2 massive 30 cm dicks
This is Chernobyl, he replies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba9ino/a_black_man_and_an_ukrainan_walk_into_a_bar/
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What’s it called when someone from the Caribbean has erectile dysfunction?

A Cuban missile crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba9e6n/whats_it_called_when_someone_from_the_caribbean/
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Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet's waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other "What are you in for?"

"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?"
"Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there."
"Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?"
"No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba9dd4/two_dogs_a_doberman_and_a_german_shepherd_are_in/
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Helium saved 6 people from a house fire.

He’s such a noble gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba9btl/helium_saved_6_people_from_a_house_fire/
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I went out to a fine Italian restaurant last night but there was a large woman blocking the entrance....

I couldn’t get pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba9b6f/i_went_out_to_a_fine_italian_restaurant_last/
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Why was the gay couple invited to parliament?

They had a man-date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba98ew/why_was_the_gay_couple_invited_to_parliament/
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I’m gonna get downvoted for this one as it’s really inappropriate: Why can’t you gamble in Africa?

.
.
.
.
Too many Cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba958u/im_gonna_get_downvoted_for_this_one_as_its_really/
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What sound do nuts make when they sneeze?

“Cash-ew”
;) *wink wonk* I dont know how I came up with that one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba915j/what_sound_do_nuts_make_when_they_sneeze/
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Whats the diference between my dick and my jokes?

Nobody laughs at my jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba8zl1/whats_the_diference_between_my_dick_and_my_jokes/
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The deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba8tn3/the_deaf_italian_bookkeeper/
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba8s3h/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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The Massage

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba8qfj/the_massage/
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Post Brexit, what will be the difference between a dollar and a British Pound?

A dollar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba8q7l/post_brexit_what_will_be_the_difference_between_a/
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One day, Billy saw Mom jumping on Dad in bed.

During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "Oh, well, that won't work.." said the Son. The Mom, now curious, asks why not, and the son say "Well, as soon as you fall asleep, Ms. Dollip from nextdoor comes in and blows him back up again."
Love you guys...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba8pyb/one_day_billy_saw_mom_jumping_on_dad_in_bed/
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I like my slaves like I like my coffee.

free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba8pla/i_like_my_slaves_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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The Avengers went to go and visit a child in the hospital on Friday.

The lucky kid gets to meet Stan Lee on Saturday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba8opa/the_avengers_went_to_go_and_visit_a_child_in_the/
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What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba8myt/what_do_you_call_a_denim_expert/
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I bought a guitar made out of diamond..

now I can play some hard rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba8mnq/i_bought_a_guitar_made_out_of_diamond/
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I was phoned by Rick Astley, who asked me to borrow some Pixar DVD's...

I said "Fair enough You can have 'Toy Story', 'A Bug's Life' and 'Finding Nemo' but I'm never gonna give you 'Up'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba8ma2/i_was_phoned_by_rick_astley_who_asked_me_to/
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A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, ...

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed. “But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,… to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba8kc9/a_lady_approaches_a_priest_and_tells_him_father/
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My friend has an issue with the perfect inflection of the Star of David.

He's anti-symmetric.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba8gs6/my_friend_has_an_issue_with_the_perfect/
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Maria and Luigi

Luigi and Maria go to a marriage counselor. Maria goes in first, and the counselor asks her about her concerns.
"Luigi is a wonderful man," says Maria. "There are just three things about him that really bother me."
"Tell me, says the counselor."
"The first thing," says Maria, "is that he's a workaholic. He's works so much, he has very little time left for me and the kids."
"The second thing..." says Maria "... and I know this is petty, but he's always picking his nose in public. It's embarrassing."
"And what's the third thing?" asks the counselor.
"Well," says Maria, "This is a little personal, but he never lets me get on top when we're having sex."
So the counselor sends Maria out, and asks Luigi to come in.
"How is everything with your marriage?" asks the counselor.
"It'sa good," says Luigi.
"No complaints?"
"No complaints."
"Well, Maria had a few things she wanted me to discuss with you. First, she says you are a workaholic. Second, she says you pick your nose quite a bit in public. Third... and this is a little delicate... she says you never let her get on top when you are having sex."
And Luigi says, "When I comma to this country, my father tells me three things. Three things, he tells me, to make it big in America. First: worka hard. So I worka hard. Second, he says: keepa your nose clean. So I keepa my nose clean. And third, he says: don't fuck up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba8bn6/maria_and_luigi/
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What's the difference between a lady and a laddy?

A D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba89rb/whats_the_difference_between_a_lady_and_a_laddy/
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I wrote a song about a tortilla

Well, it's more like a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba7yko/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
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I have a friend, Celine, from China. She is beautiful but so fragile.

Poor Celine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba7trt/i_have_a_friend_celine_from_china_she_is/
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Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm part of a drum kit.

Doctor: Settle down now Tom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba7p6v/doctor_doctor_i_think_im_part_of_a_drum_kit/
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A Christian, Muslim, and atheist walk into a bar

And they wake up in the hospital a few hours later with minor head injuries.
Why the hell would you walk into a bar?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba7kz3/a_christian_muslim_and_atheist_walk_into_a_bar/
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The Good Old Days [long]

There was a little boy named Timmy whose grandpa came to visit. Grandpa said to Timmy “I’m so glad we get to spend some time together! Tell me, what would you like to do? We can do anything you want!”
Timmy replied, “To tell you the truth grandpa, my very favourite thing is to go to the store and get candy.“
Grandpa replied “Candy? Why, back in the good old days I used to love to get candy! That was my favorite thing to do! Tell me Timmy, where do *you* go to get candy these days?“
Timmy replied “Well Grandpa, Mommy takes me to the Bulk Barn.“
“The bulk barn? Why, back in the good all days, we didn’t *have* Bulk Barn. We had the Five and Dime store, and you could get purt'near anything you could needed there, including all the candy you could want!"
Well, Timmy thought that sounded pretty good. Then Grandpa asked him “So tell me Timmy, how do you get to the bulk barn?“
“Well Grandpa, it takes about 10 minutes by car to get there.“
“10 minutes by car? Why, back in the good old days we didn’t *have* to get a ride. We could just walk ourselves right over to the five and dime. Or if we wanted to get there twice as fast we could take our bikes!“ Well, Timmy thought that sounded pretty good too.
So they got in the car and started driving toward the Bulk Barn. Then Grandpa asked Timmy “Say tell me Timmy, how much do usually spend on candy at the Bulk Barn?“
“Well, Mommy usually gives me five dollars to spend.“
"Five dollars?!?“ Grandpa nearly drove off the road. “Five dollars?? Why, back in the good old days, we didn’t *have* five dollars. Back in the good old days I could take a *single nickel* to the five and dime store, and I would come home with two chocolate bars, a bag of chips, three bottles of pop and a whole pocketful of gum!”
“Wow Grampa, is that because the five and dime store was so cheap?“ asked Timmy.
“No“ send Grandpa. “It’s because back in the good old days they didn’t *have* security cameras.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba7k29/the_good_old_days_long/
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My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers

So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba7hm2/my_wife_suggested_i_get_one_of_those_penis/
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What costs the most money to keep running?

5th : a family car
4th : a boat
3d : a tank
2nd : a warship
1st : a girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba7hi9/what_costs_the_most_money_to_keep_running/
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What do you call an orgy at a monastery?

A cloisterfuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba7fq1/what_do_you_call_an_orgy_at_a_monastery/
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That old woman in a fake fur coat who had ink thrown on her really had it coming!

Does she even know how many innocent fauxes have been murdered to make that coat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba7bvv/that_old_woman_in_a_fake_fur_coat_who_had_ink/
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I don't understand why I was kicked out of my local furniture store...

I just asked for one night stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba7a9l/i_dont_understand_why_i_was_kicked_out_of_my/
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A girl refused to blow me because I was uncircumcised.

Guess I wasn't cut out for the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba7a1j/a_girl_refused_to_blow_me_because_i_was/
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What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba798f/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_ran_into_a_wall/
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One evening, a dad joke came home late from the office.

He and your mom joke got a little drunk after dinner and since the pharmacy was closed, well, lewd story short, that's how they ended up with a pun in the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba78xr/one_evening_a_dad_joke_came_home_late_from_the/
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Boy: "Let's play firetruck game. I will move my hand up your leg till you say RED LIGHT" -Girl: "RED LIGHT"

Boy: "Firetrucks don't stop at red lights"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba77of/boy_lets_play_firetruck_game_i_will_move_my_hand/
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Pros and cons

Pros of dating men: Their dicks.
Cons of dating men: They're dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba77db/pros_and_cons/
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What do you call an Amish person with his hand up a horse's ass

Mechanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba73ns/what_do_you_call_an_amish_person_with_his_hand_up/
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A gambling problem.

So there's an 80 year old man who one day gets a call from the IRS.
IRS: hello sir we've noticed large amounts of money moving into and out of your account and I need you to come down for a meeting tomorrow and explain some things or we may have to perform an audit.
The old man agrees and after a good long minute he decides he's going to get himself a lawyer.
The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to their meeting and sit down with the IRS agent, the meeting goes as follows.
IRS: so we've noticed large sums of money moving into and out of your bank account and we may have to perform an audit if you don't tell us where all this money is coming from.
Old man: well you see I have a bit of a gambling problem.
IRS agent: you mean to tell me, that all this money is from gambling? What do you even gamble on??
Old man: horses, fights, actually I'll gamble on anything really.
IRS agent: you'll gamble on anything? Give me an example.
The old man thinks for a minute and comes up with a brilliant idea. He says "I bet you $5000 that I won't be able to bite my left eye!". The IRS agent thought long and hard before deciding there's no possible way he could bite his eye and agrees. With that the old man takes his glass eye out and bites it.
"Aww shit" the IRS agents jaw dropped in disbelief and before he was able to pick it back up the old man spoke up, "now I don't want you to be upset with me mr IRS agent so I'll make you a deal, I'll give you a chance to earn back your money and even more if you take my next bet. I bet you $10000 that I can bite my right eye too!"
The IRS agent thought even longer and even harder about this but he knew the old man wasn't blind because he was walking perfectly unaided. So he excepted, and with that the old man took out his false teeth and bit his right eye. "oh fuck ya, you old con bastard"
"Now now" the old man exclaimed, "I'll give you one more chance to earn all of your money back plus even more! I bet you $20000 that if your trashcan is on the other end of the room, and I'm standing on your desk, that I can't piss in that trashcan without spilling a single drop." The IRS agent replied faster than light knowing that what the man had offered was impossible, "you're on!" He shouted excitedly before moving his trashcan to the other side of the room.
With that, the old man whipped out his dick and sprayed piss all over the room and all over the IRS agents desk. The agent cheered for joy and laughed and hoorayed as he had just won $20000. He then looked over to the lawyer who had his head in his hands. "what's wrong with you?" He asked.
"He bet me $100000 that he could get you to enjoy him pissing on your desk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba70vu/a_gambling_problem/
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Easy weight loss technique:

Step 1: Initiate Brexit.
Step 2: Lose 440 million pounds a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba6rix/easy_weight_loss_technique/
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If you want to know if someone's lying to you.

Pull their life support and see how fast they jump up.
Works 2/3 times.
RIP Lila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba6o72/if_you_want_to_know_if_someones_lying_to_you/
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What's the difference between waiting for a woman to get out of work and stalking?

I'm not sure either but I think Judge Kaplan is going to tell me on Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba6n9e/whats_the_difference_between_waiting_for_a_woman/
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Minecraft

Me: I love minecraft
Friend: can i please join
Me: no
Friend: why not?
Me: this is minecraft not ourcraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba6hzg/minecraft/
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I went to the doctor the other day

and he told me that I was epileptic.
I nearly had a fit.
He said, “That’s definitely not helping.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba6hnh/i_went_to_the_doctor_the_other_day/
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Two men are sitting in a bar drinking.

The first man notices two old men across the bar. He points at them and says to his friend, “That’s us in about ten years.”
His friend looks up, laughs, puts his head back down, and says, “That’s us now, because that’s a mirror.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba6dcl/two_men_are_sitting_in_a_bar_drinking/
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What do you get when you cross human DNA with a goat?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba68ft/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_human_dna_with_a/
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What's the difference between Cardi B and a Chipotle server?

They both take your money and leave you with a sore asshole, but a Chipotle server can wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba66ac/whats_the_difference_between_cardi_b_and_a/
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Howard decides to go on vacation.

In the middle of his trip, he calls his brother Fred  to see how the family cat is doing.
“She broke her neck, she’s dead.”, Fred says.
Howard is shocked “Well, you could have told me in a lot easier way. You could have said that she was stuck on the roof and the fire department was getting her down, but she suddenly fell and passed away immediately. It would have been a lot nicer to hear.”
“I’m sorry” says Fred.
“That’s alright. By the way, how’s Mother?”
There’s a pause on Fred’s end. Then he says “She was up on the roof, and the fire department was getting her down...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba665u/howard_decides_to_go_on_vacation/
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Yesterday I was typing, and got a crumb in my keyboard

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba64ye/yesterday_i_was_typing_and_got_a_crumb_in_my/
%
What do you call a dinosaur that can fly?

A soarus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba61cj/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_that_can_fly/
%
Gay is a mental illness

You're not thinking straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba6118/gay_is_a_mental_illness/
%
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer are riding in a car.

The car brakes down and coast to the side of the road.
"Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time."
"Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I think it's the electrical system. Let me have a look and I'll get us going again in a minute or two."
"Hold on," says the computer engineer. "Why don't we all just get out of the car and get in again, and then see if it starts?"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba5yba/a_mechanical_engineer_an_electrical_engineer_and/
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How many grammar nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?

Too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba5vlj/how_many_grammar_nazis_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do you call a gay killing another gay?

A homocide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba5soi/what_do_you_call_a_gay_killing_another_gay/
%
What are the three words you never want to hear when you're making love?

"Honey, I'm home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba5oa6/what_are_the_three_words_you_never_want_to_hear/
%
How did Avicii complete an album from beyond the grave?

Ghost producing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba5n9a/how_did_avicii_complete_an_album_from_beyond_the/
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A brunette goes to the doctor...

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant.
She touched her knee and said "Ouch!"
Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!"
Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "Your really blonde, aren''t you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba5irw/a_brunette_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba5i28/why_did_the_blonde_tiptoe_past_the_medicine/
%
I got fired from my last job for making too many Linkin Park references but...

...in the end it doesn't even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba5hw8/i_got_fired_from_my_last_job_for_making_too_many/
%
A kid and his father enters a restaurant

The kid says to the waiter: Hey daddy!
The waiter laughes it off and leaves.
The father says to the son: Hey, i’m your daddy.
Then the kid says: But mom always screams Yes daddy! When he is in her room!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba5ho2/a_kid_and_his_father_enters_a_restaurant/
%
My girlfriend asked me what the difference is between love and lust

I told her, love is what I have for my sister, and lust is what I have for her sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba5gg5/my_girlfriend_asked_me_what_the_difference_is/
%
Why did the weatherman take a leave of absence after breaking both arms and both legs?

He would have trouble working with the four casts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba58ed/why_did_the_weatherman_take_a_leave_of_absence/
%
I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my digital radio.

Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba57em/i_put_scaffolding_on_my_hifi_and_steel_girders_on/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba536i/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
Which unit do the undead use to measure distances?

Graveyards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba5045/which_unit_do_the_undead_use_to_measure_distances/
%
They say if you have to explain a joke then it's not funny.

Which is probably why it took me so long to explain Amy Schumer to my mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba4wy4/they_say_if_you_have_to_explain_a_joke_then_its/
%
Two men are sharing a hospital room.

"What are you in here for?" the first man asks.
"I'm getting a circumcision ," his roommate replies.
"Damn," exclaims the first man. "I had that done to me when I was born, and I couldn't walk for a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba4u6l/two_men_are_sharing_a_hospital_room/
%
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's your scenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba4u3m/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
%
A Nazi walks into a bar

, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."
As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected.
So he goes back to the bar
"Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before
"Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman.
Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba4tq6/a_nazi_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man goes back to a bookstore to complain about a recent purchase.

“I bought this book last week called The Biggest Cowards in History, but the minute I opened the book, all of the pages fell out.”
The sales clerk looks at the book and explains, “Well, that’s because it’s got no spine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba4sup/a_man_goes_back_to_a_bookstore_to_complain_about/
%
My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction

So I packed my stuff up and right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba4qf1/my_wife_hated_that_i_didnt_have_a_sense_of/
%
Why did the masseuse have to close up his shop?

He kept rubbing people the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba4oq1/why_did_the_masseuse_have_to_close_up_his_shop/
%
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.

The General replied "1956, ma'am."
The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better."
The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour.
Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..."
The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba4o08/a_woman_asked_an_army_general_when_the_last_time/
%
Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happily. 80 years later, Satan opens their doors.
The alchoholic had drank all the booze and was incredibly sick from a hangover that never cured. He pleaded for repentance, swearing to never drink again.
The sex addict had not aged, and was being chased by several unattactive, horny old ladies. He begged Satan to let him go as he had learned his lesson.
Finally, Satan openes the door to the pot head's room. To his surprise, none of the weed had been smoked. The pot head was sitting on the floor crying. He said to Satan, "Do you have a lighter man?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba4nu1/three_men_die_and_are_sent_to_hell_satan_punishes/
%
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic.....

I was in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba4nri/i_refused_to_believe_i_was_gay_and_dyslexic/
%
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba4na7/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
%
Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba4lsb/slutty_girls_are_like_walmarts/
%
Chris Brown's girlfriend walked into a bar.

That's his story and he's sticking to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba4byj/chris_browns_girlfriend_walked_into_a_bar/
%
I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

Turns out it's tomorrow.
*Credit: Gary Delaney*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba489c/i_went_to_the_premature_ejaculators_anonymous/
%
Three guys go on a skiing trip together.

When they get to the ski lodge there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, “Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job.”
The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and says that he’s had the same dream, too.
The guy in the middle says, “Wow that’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba47h4/three_guys_go_on_a_skiing_trip_together/
%
Guide to being worshipped:

Step 1: Be born
Step 2: Hide in a cave for 3 days
Step 3: ???
Step 4: Prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba43ov/guide_to_being_worshipped/
%
They say drugs make you lie..

I want whatever our politicians have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba40g4/they_say_drugs_make_you_lie/
%
Father: Son, you're adopted.

Son: I knew it! So who are my real parents?
Father: We are your real parents. Your new ones will be here in 5 mins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3zfo/father_son_youre_adopted/
%
Why are Irish people so rich?

Their capital is always Dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3z3h/why_are_irish_people_so_rich/
%
What's the best way to think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3y9q/whats_the_best_way_to_think_the_unthinkable/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3xqb/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3u1h/my_grandad_asked_me_how_to_print_i_said_control_p/
%
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3sq1/after_years_of_hard_work_in_the_gym_as_a_personal/
%
A man is lost in the Sahara desert when he stumbles upon a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out!
The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting.  I want to be the wisest man in the world."
The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3ois/a_man_is_lost_in_the_sahara_desert_when_he/
%
A man joins the French Foriegn Legion...

..to forget something. After a while, he had certainly forgotten why he joined, but being a lifetime commitment, he decided to make due.
Nothing was horrible, except for the fact that his small desert outpost was totally devoid of women. After a couple of weeks of build up, he went to his sergeant, and explained his troubles.
"Oh, for that we use the camels."
The horny man blinks, and decides that he is in no way that desperate, and simply takes thing in hand for a while.
Weeks pass. He starts realizing that ringing his own doorbell isn't easing the itch any longer. He thinks about what the sergeant told him.
So, one night, he slips out and goes to the stable, finds a docile animal, and sets a stool up behind it. He drops his pants, and starts to get to answering a natural call unnaturally, when the sergeant walks in.
"Interesting. We usually just ride them into town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3oc2/a_man_joins_the_french_foriegn_legion/
%
I always get sad when I crush my drink cans.

It’s soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3mfa/i_always_get_sad_when_i_crush_my_drink_cans/
%
I recently lost my compass.

Uh.. I forgot where I was going with this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3kap/i_recently_lost_my_compass/
%
Yo momma's so fat, she's like a Boeing 737 Max 8.

At the slightest sign of trouble, she throws herself at the ground screaming, killing all 300 people riding her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3ho9/yo_mommas_so_fat_shes_like_a_boeing_737_max_8/
%
I used to work as a coast guard. There's one rescue mission that sticks in my memory.

A ship carrying a huge haul of industrial strength glue got into trouble just off the coast where I was stationed.
The weather was the worst I'd seen it, and one of the containers of glue had fallen from height and smashed into the hull, covering a number of the crew members in glue and knocking them overboard.
Luckily, they managed to cling to some nearby weather floats whilst the ship went down, but by the time we got to them, the glue that had covered them had set, and we couldn't detach them from the floats. After a long struggle we eventually got them free, but it was the most difficult rescue I was ever involved with.
That was the mission that separated the men from the buoys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3fk2/i_used_to_work_as_a_coast_guard_theres_one_rescue/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch.

The bartender says, “that must be very uncomfortable.”
“Yarrr!” replies the pirate. “it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3fam/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
%
My boss pulled up in a Ferrari today.

He told me , if i work really hard , don't call in sick at all , save some money and bust ass all year long , he'll be able to buy the new model next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3a5l/my_boss_pulled_up_in_a_ferrari_today/
%
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba395u/i_wasnt_allowed_in_a_fraternity_in_college/
%
I didn't have enough money to pay the priest for the exorcism

So he repossessed me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba3542/i_didnt_have_enough_money_to_pay_the_priest_for/
%
After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling.

When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, he embraces and kisses her long and passionately as her husband watches with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shuts up and quietly sits down as though in a daze.
The therapist turns to the husband and says, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba30ji/after_thirty_years_of_marriage_a_husband_and_wife/
%
I was applying for an Australian citizenship when the interviewer asked me a question

He asked, “Do you have a criminal record?” I said, “No, is that still required?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba2xd5/i_was_applying_for_an_australian_citizenship_when/
%
What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Do-you-think-he-saurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba2rye/what_do_you_call_a_blind_dinosaur/
%
I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba2pn0/i_was_trying_to_practice_on_my_guitar_by_playing/
%
What do you yell before dropping a piano in a mineshaft?

See sharp or be flat miner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba2o2c/what_do_you_yell_before_dropping_a_piano_in_a/
%
A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.
The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.
About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the arresting officer says.
“No,” responds the man, “I’m here to deliver a pizza.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba2ke2/a_teen_is_caught_smoking_pot_behind_a_local/
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Thief

: ( Pointing gun) Give me your money.
Politician : Do you know Who You are talking to ?I am a lawmaker.
Thief :  Okay! Then give me my money.( Pressing the gun harder)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba2e0f/thief/
%
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.

An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?"
He replies "These are my khakis".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba2344/a_woman_was_in_some_distress_one_day_when_she/
%
Did you hear that Dire Straits are opening a cafe?

They take money for muffins, but the chips are free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba1u2r/did_you_hear_that_dire_straits_are_opening_a_cafe/
%
Ancient greeks invented sex

Romans added women to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba1lfg/ancient_greeks_invented_sex/
%
What's The Difference Between Marriage And Prison

In prison you can have sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba1ios/whats_the_difference_between_marriage_and_prison/
%
My marriage is like Drivers Ed

Where my wife is in the driving seat and I am in the passenger seat with a training wheel which does not really do anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba1bkl/my_marriage_is_like_drivers_ed/
%
A Thai woman runs into a wall, what does she break?

Her boner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba19r9/a_thai_woman_runs_into_a_wall_what_does_she_break/
%
Why do PETA members suck at multi-tasking?

They cant bring themselves to kill two birds with one stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba14fy/why_do_peta_members_suck_at_multitasking/
%
How tall does a cow have to be for its milk to be safe to drink?

Pasteurize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba11jp/how_tall_does_a_cow_have_to_be_for_its_milk_to_be/
%
Startup idea: A robotic arm that automatically swaps out your NES cartridges for you.

Sure, you say it's a ludicrous idea, that it wouldn't have worked even if it was 30 years ago, the market doesn't exist, it's doomed to fail, etc.
But I'm telling you, it's gonna be a game changer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba10yd/startup_idea_a_robotic_arm_that_automatically/
%
How did that video of R. Kelly get out?

It leaked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba10ry/how_did_that_video_of_r_kelly_get_out/
%
I walked into an old defunct Nike store today. The place was depressing because-

there wasn't a sole in sight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba102s/i_walked_into_an_old_defunct_nike_store_today_the/
%
A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.
"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."
"So why are we here then," the guy asked,  "we can't settle here, oxygen must be very rare."
"We are not here to settle, kid" the Chief said "we are here to export. It's the biggest stroke of luck the Gaia Company has had since we found that big diamond inside Jupiter. We'll all be very rich after this, you can count on that."
They travelled in silence after that until they reached the settlement gates. The new guy couldn't believe his eyes.
"The buildings are made of gold!", he said.
"Not just gold , it's alloyed with one part platinum and one part radium, to glow at night."
When they entered the settlement the guy was even more surprised.
"A nuclear reactor at every home?"
"Yep, Uranium's as common as dirt here. You just have to dig two inches and there it is. Also very radioactive, that's why we had the ground covered with gold to keep the radiation contained. Now we just supply the uranium through pipes."
The guy saw some people carrying large bags down to their houses.
"Who are those guys?" he asked.
"Scientists. The old buggers are very happy nowadays. All the elements that had to be artificially manufactured on Earth are naturally occuring here. They have been conducting experiments since the day we came here. Some of them haven't been seen for six months."
They travelled like this for an hour until they finally reached the Department of Communication.
"This is where you are assigned kid" the Chief said "Radio wave communication doesn't work very well here, all the radioactivity in the atmosphere interferes with the signal. So we are going old school, telegraphs. Your job is to manage the lines and look after the posts. You will be the Department Head. There are 20 guys working under you. Come on, let's meet some of them."
They walked a little while until they came to a forest. The guy couldn't keep his jaw shut. The trees were made of metals. Some of them were glowing radioactively. Some were burning just by exposure to some oxygen. Some were made of gold, some of platinum, some of silver.
"I don't believe this."
"Well, it's right in front of your eyes. We brought some trees from Earth to plant here for the oxygen. But things changed. The guys from NASA tell me that because of the lack of common elements found on Earth, the trees had to make use of what they could get. So here we have trees of every precious metal - gold, silver, platinum - you name it. We cut them off and send them to Earth. Pretty soon they're going to become common as iron but till then make hay while the sun shines, right? We don't use them for making the posts as they are actually quite soft and the people try to steal them. Here we also have trees of Seaborgium (chemical symbol Sg, atomic number 106), Flerovium (chemical symbol Fl, atomic number 114) and Oganesson (chemical symbol Og, atomic number 118). All very rare and very important, the guys at NASA are paying us very big money to supply them. They say it's the biggest find in Chemistry since Lavoisier discovered Hydrogen."
The Chief was talking while they walked. He stopped near a plantation of trees and pointed to them. The new guy looked at a bunch of trees, silvery-gray in colour, shining smoothly in the moonlight.
"Now those are the trees you are interested in", the Chief said. "Made of pure Rhenium (chemical symbol Re, atomic number 75). The fourth or fifth rarest element on Earth. Very strong, third highest melting point, highest boiling point, denser than lead, not affected by strong alkalies, sulphuric acid, hydrochloric acid or even aqua regia. It's the perfect metal for this job. Strong, sturdy and not radioactive. That's what we have been using for the posts all this time."
"You don't mean to say..." the new guy began to say.
"Yes," the Chief cut him off, "this place is full of Re posts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0z9l/a_guy_was_recruited_for_the_first_settlement_on/
%
What do you call a muscular sheep?

Swool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0x4d/what_do_you_call_a_muscular_sheep/
%
What do old people and shoplifters have in common?

They both leave stores with more shit in their pants than they came in with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0wqm/what_do_old_people_and_shoplifters_have_in_common/
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A man named Gregor walked into a bar one night

He sat at the bar next to a gorgeous blonde and stared up at the TV as the 10 o'clock news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Gregor and earnestly asked, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Gregor replied, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde countered, "Well, I bet he won't." Gregor placed $30 on the bar. "You're on!" he exclaimed.
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was visibly upset and shoved her $30 to Gregor, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Gregor laughed. "I can't take your money... I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news so I knew he would jump."
The bewildered blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0sa9/a_man_named_gregor_walked_into_a_bar_one_night/
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3 Boys Flexing...

Three boys were having an argument about who's dad is the best of them. The first boy said:
-My dad is a prince and everyone greets him saying Your highness.
The second boy said:
-Well my dad is the king and everyone greets them saying My king.
The third boy said:
-WELL MY DAD WEIGHTS 500 KILOS AND SEEING HIM EVERYONE SCREAMS OH DEAR GOD!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0ri6/3_boys_flexing/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickolattapus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0qw9/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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I'm sure you've heard of Murphy's law. But have you ever heard of Cole's law?

It's thinly sliced cabbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0qqv/im_sure_youve_heard_of_murphys_law_but_have_you/
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Gravity is a conspiracy theory.

It's just another way for The Man to keep you down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0pwm/gravity_is_a_conspiracy_theory/
%
I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0ian/i_told_my_wife_we_can_have_sex_or_go_see_star/
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A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.

After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0hhm/a_man_and_his_wife_are_watching_tv_he_keeps/
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Why do doctor’s all use windows computers?

Every time they get near an apple it keeps them away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0er8/why_do_doctors_all_use_windows_computers/
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Here's a joke my friend told me the other day:

A funeral service was held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they bump into a wall and hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find out the woman is still alive.
She lives for 9 more years then dies.
The have another funeral for her, at the end when the pallbearers carry the casket out, the husband cries out: "Watch out for the wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0ddv/heres_a_joke_my_friend_told_me_the_other_day/
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0d7x/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
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6:30 is the best time on the clock

Hands down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0cfg/630_is_the_best_time_on_the_clock/
%
Bleach is my favourite beverage

When people question me, I tell them to try it before they knock it. Never heard a complaint from them afterwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0aym/bleach_is_my_favourite_beverage/
%
This cancer game is easy

i'm already on stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba0ahf/this_cancer_game_is_easy/
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What did the police officer say when he busted the sadomasochists?

Everybody, hands up or no one gets hurt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba09ga/what_did_the_police_officer_say_when_he_busted/
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A soldier came home from Afghanistan

When he sees his son, he started to talk about his war stories.
“I killed 40men in Afghanistan, son.” He said.
The kid replied, “But you’re an army chef, dad!”
“But I never said I’m good at my job, did I.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba06mv/a_soldier_came_home_from_afghanistan/
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A small-town preacher was known for getting around town on his bicycle. One day, a neighbor noticed him walking and asked him about his missing bike.

The preacher said, "Can you believe someone stole it?!"
The man replied, "I have an idea. On Sunday, give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to *Thou Shalt Not Steal,* really rail on it, and the thief is sure to feel guilty and return your bike."
The preacher agreed and went on his way.
A week later, the neighbor again ran into the preacher, reunited with his bike.
"So the sermon worked, I see!"
The preacher answered,  "Apparently so! I got to *Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery* and remembered where I left my bike."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba04ny/a_smalltown_preacher_was_known_for_getting_around/
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A terrorist walks into a store

"How much for this bomb?" he asks.
"$500", said the clerk.
"Will you take $450?" asks the terrorist.
"I'm sorry sir," replies the clerk, "We don't negotiate with terrorists."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba03ig/a_terrorist_walks_into_a_store/
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Everybody complains about the weather . . .

but nobody does anything about it except the CIA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ba02yg/everybody_complains_about_the_weather/
%
There was a lot of fighting among the astronauts

Because nobody's words carried any weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9zznc/there_was_a_lot_of_fighting_among_the_astronauts/
%
What did the drowning Mathematician say?

log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9zxd9/what_did_the_drowning_mathematician_say/
%
Three Russian men are sitting together in a prisoner's car of a train headed to the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9zt9b/three_russian_men_are_sitting_together_in_a/
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think you know everything about the letter t?

It's a quarter of shit and that's only half of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9zsyi/think_you_know_everything_about_the_letter_t/
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Timmy is starting the second grade

On the first day of school, the teacher has baked cookies for the class.
When she gets to Timmy, he replies "I don't fucking want one."
The teacher is shocked but doesn't say anything.  Fortunately, her webcam has recorded the incident.
She sends a note home with Timmy asking for a parent meeting.  Timmy's mom comes to school the next day.
The teacher tells her "I offered Timmy a cookie, and this is what happened."  She then plays the recording.
"Well," Timmy's mom replies, "then don't fucking give him one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9zsbj/timmy_is_starting_the_second_grade/
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Why didn’t the cow cross the road

The chicken said “don’t do it man you’ll never here the end of it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9zo7f/why_didnt_the_cow_cross_the_road/
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The weirdest job I ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9zja4/the_weirdest_job_i_ever_had_was_cleaning_the/
%
My girlfriend got fired today for putting her hair in a bun.

She's hoping to find another bakery to work in soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9zfjv/my_girlfriend_got_fired_today_for_putting_her/
%
My wife asked me to get my sperm frozen just incase we ever wanted to try, because you never know.

I told her I would, but between me and you, it tastes the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9zerw/my_wife_asked_me_to_get_my_sperm_frozen_just/
%
Something that I would get arrested for is

Putting the woman's rights book in the fiction section of the library

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9zcte/something_that_i_would_get_arrested_for_is/
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A man walks into a bar, looking depressed.

The bartender, being nice, decides to ask him what’s wrong. “What’s wrong?”, he asks. The man replies: “I have these 2 horses, but I cannot for the love of God tell them apart! I don’t know which one to feed, which one to ride, or anything like that!”
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, offers a suggestion. “Maybe shave the tail off of one of the horses. Then you can tell which is which!”
The man immediately brightens up, saying “That’s a great idea!”, and runs off.
The bartender, satisfied, continues on with his day.
A few months later, the man comes in again. The bartender asks “How are your horses?”, and he responds “Terrible. The tail grew back, and now I can’t tell them apart again!” The bartender was internally laughing at this, but stayed calm and offered another solution. “Maybe shave the mane off of one! Then you can tell them apart again!”
Again, the man brightens up, leaving the bar.
...and a few months later he came back.
The bartender, at this point getting frustrated at this guy, says “Oh, I don’t know! Measure the horses! Maybe one is taller than the other!”, and the guy runs out. A few hours later he comes back, yelling to the bartender:
“You were right! You were right! I measured them...
and the black horse is two inches taller than the white horse!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9zcrl/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_depressed/
%
Why can gay people not hunt?

They never shoot straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9zcec/why_can_gay_people_not_hunt/
%
My tailor really enjoys fixing my clothes

Or sew it seams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9zate/my_tailor_really_enjoys_fixing_my_clothes/
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Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away.
And you’ll have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9z9k4/dont_criticize_someone_until_youve_walked_a_mile/
%
Sharing is caring

My neighbor and his wife don’t understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9z9c9/sharing_is_caring/
%
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten-tickles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9z8vw/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_squid/
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My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9z1w9/my_grandads_old_place_has_this_old_fence_that_for/
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Where was little Suzy after the explosion?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9z18r/where_was_little_suzy_after_the_explosion/
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if this dies in new i die

So a guy was carrying a house. Another guy came up to him and said, "Whoa, man are you carrying a house? You must be strong!". The "strong" guy replied, "Nah bro, it's a lighthouse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9z0ly/if_this_dies_in_new_i_die/
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What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest

One does something when triggered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9yzrp/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument????

THE HARM MONICA, FOLKS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9yu29/yo_whats_bill_clintons_favorite_musical_instrument/
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If a man says something in the forest...

...and there's no woman there to hear him...
...is he still wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ykxz/if_a_man_says_something_in_the_forest/
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What do you call a wizard that brews great coffee?

The half and halfblood prince

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9yjly/what_do_you_call_a_wizard_that_brews_great_coffee/
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I got rich by creating an anonymous imageboard website.

I made a 4chan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ydtp/i_got_rich_by_creating_an_anonymous_imageboard/
%
Why are there no feminists in Japan?

Because the Japanese hunt whales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ycez/why_are_there_no_feminists_in_japan/
%
An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ybp4/an_irish_girl_tells_her_mom_she_decided_to_be_a/
%
What's that feeling you get in your side when you hear a sikh joke?

The punjab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9yap2/whats_that_feeling_you_get_in_your_side_when_you/
%
Are you from Africa?

Cause African love you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9y9nv/are_you_from_africa/
%
I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which’ll leave only one country and the Persian Gulf .

Just Kuwait and sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9y8ym/i_predict_in_years_to_come_therell_be_a_nuclear/
%
What type of dogs are inbred?

Hotdogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9y7zs/what_type_of_dogs_are_inbred/
%
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9y684/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
What kind of dog does not bark?

A hush puppy!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9y4ve/what_kind_of_dog_does_not_bark/
%
I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.

since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9xxbh/i_started_carrying_a_knife_on_me_after_an/
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Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

I don’t remember the rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9xvll/cardi_b_and_bill_cosby_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why are blond jokes so short?

So men can understand them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9xu39/why_are_blond_jokes_so_short/
%
What do you call a guy with no shins?

Tony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9xtdy/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_shins/
%
I have a few jokes about unemployed people.

But none of them seem to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9xr95/i_have_a_few_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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I'm virgin by choice

Of other girls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9xqff/im_virgin_by_choice/
%
A joke I heard recently about depression:

One day, a man is so sick and tired of the usual routine that he decides to finally take action and seek a doctor for psychological help.
He goes to the doctor and confesses for the first time the feelings which haunt his daily life: how he perceives the world is harsh and cruel, how he feels lonely and useless, how he relies on the perception of himself by others to grant him happiness, how he doesn't know that he'll ever be satisfied with anything he does, how he doesn't know that he'll ever find contentment in anything.
The doctor sits for a moment, nodding silently. And then he speaks:
"Well, there are a number of medications which I can offer you..." and he trails off, looking thoughtfully over the man's shoulder, taking a moment to scratch his chin. "But you know...sometimes these things...we can cure them with simple remedies. A laugh, a good time. You know, there's a circus act in town! Maybe you should go see it! There's a great clown there, Pagliacci, who has brought laughter to the lives of many, many people."
The man replies: "But doctor...I am Pagliacci."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9xoz5/a_joke_i_heard_recently_about_depression/
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What does a Mexican say to a Greek god?

hey Zeus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9xlu6/what_does_a_mexican_say_to_a_greek_god/
%
I just can't say no to a game of scrabble.

Resistance is a few tiles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9xhg5/i_just_cant_say_no_to_a_game_of_scrabble/
%
A man just threw a glass of milk at me.

How dairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9xh8y/a_man_just_threw_a_glass_of_milk_at_me/
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People with which blood group are a mistake?

TypeO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9xh5r/people_with_which_blood_group_are_a_mistake/
%
Paul Revere’s Chicken (OC)

Paul Revere has a chicken named Gallo. When the American Revolution was well underway, he spent several nights training the chicken secretly in his barn. When he finally felt Gallo was ready, he brought it with him to the Sons of Liberty. At first, they laughed.
“Well, now, laugh if you want, but this here is a *highly trained* chicken, and Gallo here will help us win the war!”
They laughed some more. One of the men spoke up, “What kind of name is Gallo, anyways?”
“Italian” said Paul Revere. A man from Italy traded it for some silver work I did for him.” He set the chicken down. “But as I said, this bird here is *highly trained!”
Another man spoke up. “Trained for what? To lay an egg in the king?” Again more laughter.
“No!” Revere was growing impatient. “Gallo here is trained to sniff out British sympathizers!”
“Lies!” Several men called out.
“It’s true, I tell you! Just wait until you see my Italian Chicken catch a Tory!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9xdzr/paul_reveres_chicken_oc/
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A childhood story my teacher shared

My intercultural communication teacher told us this today. Thought I'd share.
When he was about 16, he and his friends got the bright idea of egging some military vehicle. Once the eggs flew and hit their mark, a few marines in training around their early 20s rushed from the vehicle and apprehended the boys. They called their marshall or whoever was in charge, who then called the boys' fathers.
Every culprit's father was in the military, so they were naturally scared for their lives.
While standing side by side, waiting for their impending doom, my teacher's friend, Kevin, shakes his head sadly and says, "Man, I really should've listened to my mom."
My teacher whispers back, "Why? What'd your mom tell you?"
Kevin shrugs and replies, "How the fuck should I know? I wasn't listening!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9xcu8/a_childhood_story_my_teacher_shared/
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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick

Especially since his name is Steve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9x5ts/my_boss_hates_it_when_i_shorten_his_name_to_dick/
%
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9x5fh/when_is_the_worst_time_to_have_a_heart_attack/
%
John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray.

''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money. My mom needs surgery and I have bills to pay. Please let me win the lottery.'' He left the synagogue, a week went by, and he didn't win the lottery. So, he went to a mosque and started to pray again. ''You're starting to disappoint me, God,'' he said. ''I've prayed and prayed. If you just let me win the lottery, I'll be a better person. I don't have to win the jackpot, just enough to get me out of debt. I'll give some to charity, even. Just let me win the lottery.'' John thought this did it, so he got up and walked outside.
The clouds opened up and a booming voice said, ''John, buy a fucking lottery ticket.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9x4kh/john_who_was_in_financial_difficulty_walked_into/
%
Why does a pirate say when he turns 80?

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9wwl3/why_does_a_pirate_say_when_he_turns_80/
%
What did the black hole say after it swallowed an asteroid?

"It was good, but I wish it been a little meteor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ws8w/what_did_the_black_hole_say_after_it_swallowed_an/
%
A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that?
There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later.
He sees the wife and asks where his brother is?
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand.
He yells out to him, "What are you doin?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin'.
What does it look like I'm a doin'?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid.
If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9wrg7/a_good_old_alabama_boy_won_a_bass_boat_in_a/
%
Why was the Mad Hatter acting a little queer?

He had a hare up his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9wngg/why_was_the_mad_hatter_acting_a_little_queer/
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My mate put my hand in warm water when I was sleeping

He really took the piss out of me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9wlyy/my_mate_put_my_hand_in_warm_water_when_i_was/
%
How are cats like empty wine bottles?

I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9wl9f/how_are_cats_like_empty_wine_bottles/
%
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?

He won the no bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9wg59/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_made_the_knock/
%
What do you get if you cross a bridge with a bicycle?

You get across the bridge faster than if you'd walked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9wfbn/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_bridge_with_a/
%
I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me

But I never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9wbwi/i_ran_into_a_girl_at_a_vegan_restaurant_who_said/
%
A doctor on the phone to one of his patients and says the following...

... "I have some very bad news for you and some even worse. The lab called with your test results and said you have 24 hours to live."
And the patient replies, "Just 24 hours! That's terrible! What is the even worse news then?"
The doctor tells him, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9w5rt/a_doctor_on_the_phone_to_one_of_his_patients_and/
%
People in Afghanistan aren't allowed to watch TV

because of the telly-ban

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9w3fe/people_in_afghanistan_arent_allowed_to_watch_tv/
%
I was at a Lord Of The Rings themed disco last night.

It was Mordor on the dance-floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9w1ta/i_was_at_a_lord_of_the_rings_themed_disco_last/
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A man walks into a bar....

...sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says... "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9w1d9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

It blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9vy4j/a_local_barber_in_my_area_just_got_arrested_for/
%
If anyone needs an ark...

I Noah guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9vxsy/if_anyone_needs_an_ark/
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If you have Quidditch problems, I don't know what to tell you son..

I got 99 problems and a SNITCH ain't one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9vves/if_you_have_quidditch_problems_i_dont_know_what/
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I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet..

I asked my 18 siblings and none of them had any clue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9vsn1/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
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Three guys arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter decides which vehicle to give them.

“Heaven is a big place,” he says. “You’ll need something to get around. What I give you is based on how well you treated your marriage on Earth.”
The first guy says, “Marriage was difficult for me. We both had affairs and eventually got divorced after 10 years. But I still tried to live a good life,” he said.
“And that’s why you’re here,” replied St. Peter. “Still, not very impressive. We’ll give you an older Toyota Corolla.”
The next guy says, “She and I were married for 27 years. Only had one affair- when I went overseas for military. We worked it out though and were very happy together.”
“Eh, not bad, I guess. Not stellar either though. Here are keys to a BMW.”
The third guy proudly beamed, “I’d been married to my wife for 62 years by the time I passed away. Those entire 62 years, I treated her like a queen, never once looking at another woman. I didn’t need to!”
St. Peter smiled. “Now that’s what I’d like to hear, folks. Sir, here are keys to a brand new Rolls-Royce Phantom. Enjoy.”
A few months pass, and the guys with the Corolla and BMW happen to be at a cafe, when they notice the guy with the Rolls outside, sobbing on the curb.
“What’s the matter?” they asked. “You don’t like the Rolls?”
He responded, “No... it’s just... I saw my wife the other day... she was riding a scooter.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9vr2j/three_guys_arrive_at_the_pearly_gates_and_st/
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A woman said if you want to finger me take off your ring?

I don't have a a ring I have a watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9vpl5/a_woman_said_if_you_want_to_finger_me_take_off/
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There once was an old lady who said

“When I die wanna be able to talk to god”
So she went to a Rabbi to learn Hebrew.
Then the Rabbi said: “what if you end up in hell?”
She calmly responded: “oh no worries. I already speak German”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9vj7l/there_once_was_an_old_lady_who_said/
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The fallen spoon

A man and his wife are sitting at a restaurant, eating their soup, when he suddenly drops his spoon. A waiter, who was just passing by, quickly picks it up, takes a spoon from his pocket and hands it to the customer.
Quite unsurprisingly, the man looks at the waiter in confusion. "Oh, don't be surprised" says the waiter "we have very little time to lose here, and our research shows that spoons are the piece of silverware that gets dropped more often, so we all have a spare one in our pocket."
"Interesting indeed!" replies the man as he starts eating his soup again. "But wait - what's that ring hanging from your pants?"
"Oh, this - well, you see, we can't lose time washing our hands after we've taken a leak, so we just don't touch it. This ring is connected to our junk by a thread, so we can pull it to take it out."
"Wow" says the man, still eating "but how do you put it back in after you're done?"
"Oh, I don't know about the others" says the waiter "but I use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9vefx/the_fallen_spoon/
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Mouse: "Hey Snake, what are you up to tonight?"

Snake: "I'm meeting my soulmate"
Mouse: "Oh wow, that's amazing. How do you know it's your soulmate?"
Snake: "You misheard me. I said I'm eating mice, whole, mate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9v8th/mouse_hey_snake_what_are_you_up_to_tonight/
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Did you hear the one about the guy who lost both his ears in a car crash?

He didn't either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9v6j0/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_guy_who_lost_both/
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The problem with Nearly-Headless Nick...

is that he is a poorly-executed character.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9v40y/the_problem_with_nearlyheadless_nick/
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Why did the M&M go to school?

It wanted to be a Smartie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9uzs6/why_did_the_mm_go_to_school/
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My relationship with the time traveling girl was a complete disaster.

It was over even before it began.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9uvhw/my_relationship_with_the_time_traveling_girl_was/
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Yesterday a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a film.

Her: “What would you like to watch?”
Me: “You pick.”
Her: “No, you pick.”
Me: “I don’t care. You pick.”
Her: “Sir, there are people in line behind you to buy tickets”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9uu07/yesterday_a_beautiful_girl_asked_me_if_i_wanted/
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My dad always taught me to fight fire with fire:

Which is probably why he lost his job as a fire fighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9umgh/my_dad_always_taught_me_to_fight_fire_with_fire/
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I burned 2000 calories yesrterday

Left the brownies in the oven for too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9umca/i_burned_2000_calories_yesrterday/
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MOM! Dad hung himself in the attic.

April fools! He hung himself in the basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9um09/mom_dad_hung_himself_in_the_attic/
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What do you tell two people who want to sweep together?

Get a broom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ul1o/what_do_you_tell_two_people_who_want_to_sweep/
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On one hand you could find a girlfriend and someone to love

On the other hand there’s masturbation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9uiw0/on_one_hand_you_could_find_a_girlfriend_and/
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What’s the difference between Cardi B and Genghis Khan?

Nothing. They both rape and pillage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9uisc/whats_the_difference_between_cardi_b_and_genghis/
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Who put all these mountains in California?

It wasn’t me, it was all San Andreas’ fault!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9uicp/who_put_all_these_mountains_in_california/
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dating me

pros : dating
cons: me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9uho9/dating_me/
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I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees

They need a translator, they only speak Vietnamese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9uhkv/i_am_the_lorax_i_speak_for_the_trees/
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My dad always believed in learning things by doing them.

So when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake...
So that he could teach himself CPR
Credit: Anthony Jeselnik

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ub16/my_dad_always_believed_in_learning_things_by/
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A mother’s 9 year old daughter was asking her where babies came from.

The mother decided to be honest and told her “After a man sticks his wiener in the woman’s vagina, a baby will come out 9 months later” the daughter replied “Okay, I saw daddy stick his wiener in your mouth. What happens then?” The mother replied, “Thats how women get diamonds”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9u80b/a_mothers_9_year_old_daughter_was_asking_her/
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A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality...

The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’.
After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’.
The father says ‘okay, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’.
After a short while the son comes down the stairs and says ‘father, I have spoken with my sister and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’.
The father says
‘There you have it son, that’s the difference between theory and reality.
In theory, we’re sitting on two million dollars.
In reality, we’re living with a couple of sluts’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9u46n/a_boy_comes_home_from_school_and_tells_his_father/
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What do you call a blind German in the 1940s?

A not-see..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9u2zw/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german_in_the_1940s/
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How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Show him a used tampon and ask him which period i came from..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9u2ll/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archaeologist/
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I come from a family of failed magicians..

I've got two half sisters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9tyws/i_come_from_a_family_of_failed_magicians/
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If a Cuban man marries a woman from Iceland and have children,

can the children be considered ice cubes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9tyk3/if_a_cuban_man_marries_a_woman_from_iceland_and/
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If Biden wins the primary and runs against Trump...

It's going to be an uncomfortably close election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9twe1/if_biden_wins_the_primary_and_runs_against_trump/
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My neighbor is always complaining about his Swedish car breaking down all the time.

I’m getting really tired of the Saab stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ttb6/my_neighbor_is_always_complaining_about_his/
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School is just like my credit card

0% interest for the first 9 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9tt20/school_is_just_like_my_credit_card/
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what do you call a freezing bird?

a brrrrrd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9tox9/what_do_you_call_a_freezing_bird/
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Three brothers have been traveling in a desert

The heat was too intense, if they didn’t find shelter immediately they would die
All of a sudden the first brother, the oldest, finds a lamp. Without hesitation he rubs it only for a genie to appear moments later
The genies shouts, “Ah! I awaken once more! You three men shall each get a wish.”
Excitedly, the first brother shouts, “I WISH I WAS HOME WITH MY WIFE!”
In a poof of smoke he disappears. The genie granted his wish
The second brother scratches his head and says, “I wish I was back home too, with a big glass of ice water!”
The genie grants his wish too, he is sent back home.
The youngest brother looks around and sees that his brothers have vanished. His expression turns sullen and he says with a frown, “Genie, I’m kinda lonely now. Can you bring my brothers back?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9tlxj/three_brothers_have_been_traveling_in_a_desert/
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Onions make you cry

My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a Coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9tjie/onions_make_you_cry/
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My parents were fish

My parents were both fish, but my dad left before I was born. Guess that makes me a bass-turd.
I'll go ahead and leave now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9t52l/my_parents_were_fish/
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If fire and water are both elements, what is steam?

Better than Epic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9synk/if_fire_and_water_are_both_elements_what_is_steam/
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What do you call a lizard that works as a detective?

An investi-gator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9svsd/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_that_works_as_a/
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How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two—one to change the light bulb and then one to change it back again after he gets elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9suz7/how_many_politicians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Rednecks in NYC

A redneck and his son visit New York City for the first time. They walk into a hotel and see an elevator.
"What's that thing, pa?" the redneck kid asks.
"I got no idea junior" the redneck dad says.
Just then, the doors open and an elderly woman steps in. The doors close. A few second later the doors open again and a beautiful young blonde steps out.
"Damn," the redneck dad says. "I still got no idea what that thing is but you shove your ma in there right now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ssf8/rednecks_in_nyc/
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What do cannibals ingest to freshen their breath?

Men toes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9sptc/what_do_cannibals_ingest_to_freshen_their_breath/
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What happens when the pope dies?

Another popes up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9slrb/what_happens_when_the_pope_dies/
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Did you hear that everyone at the mint went on strike?

They wanted to make less money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9sk3v/did_you_hear_that_everyone_at_the_mint_went_on/
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink,  invented  by  a gynecologist patron of ours.  It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9seuw/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_sits_down_and_asks/
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A boss shows one of his employees his new sports car.

“That is amazing,” the employee responds.
“Isn’t it?” replies the boss. “And if you set your goals higher and work even harder this year, I can get an even better car next year.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9s8qs/a_boss_shows_one_of_his_employees_his_new_sports/
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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9rzxz/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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An old lady needs help getting laid...

An old lady hadn't had sex with her husband in years. While he's working one day, she went to the nearby sex shop and asks for a recommendation.
The clerk picked out a pair of crotchless panties assuring the old woman that they will surely put her husband in the mood. The old woman eagerly bought a pair and heads home. She put on a skirt with the crotchless panties and waited for her husband to arrive.
When her husband walked in the front door, the old lady raised a leg and said, "Hey big boy, you want some of this?"
The old man takes one look at her and says, "fuck no! Look what it did to your underwear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9rymm/an_old_lady_needs_help_getting_laid/
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I know Spanish

A: So You are learning Spanish?
B: Sí !
A: So how much words do You know?
B: Dos!
A: Just two?
B: Sí !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9rvmy/i_know_spanish/
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(Long) Donald Trump has a meeting with the Queen of England...

...And he says 'Your majesty, I think America is the greatest country, all the people, I've asked say so, all over the world, and they all agree, we should become, a Kingdom!'
The Queen looks at him and says 'Mr Trump, in order to become a Kingdom you need a King, and you are certainly not a King.'
Trump seems a little hurt, but he powers on and says 'Well maybe then, this great country, should become, an Empire, so many people say so, I think it would be absolutely fantastic, we should definitely do it!'
The Queen stares at him again and says 'Mr Trump, for an Empire you need an Emperor, you are definitely not an Emperor.'
Trump, feeling very much defeated, retorts with one more offer.
'Your Majesty, this is a great country, and I am the best leader, all the world thinks so, and I think, with my incredible leadership, and such experience, we should become a principality, they'll love it!'
The Queen stares him down and leans forward, 'Mr Trump, a Principality requires a Prince, while you may be heir to a business, that most certainly does not make you a prince!'
Trump falls quiet and sighs in exhaustion.
The Queen looks out of the window and sips on her tea.
'You know Mr Trump, after our meeting, I rather think you are still very much suited to running a Country...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9rmut/long_donald_trump_has_a_meeting_with_the_queen_of/
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A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.

“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response.
“A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?”
“My wife,” the drunk man answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9rki0/a_man_is_staggering_home_drunk_after_last_call_a/
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If you find gold in Australia, where do you look for silver?

Agstralia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9rkd9/if_you_find_gold_in_australia_where_do_you_look/
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Why can't you ever trust an Atom?

Because they MAKE UP everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9rjxb/why_cant_you_ever_trust_an_atom/
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who risked everything to explore asia and didn't give a fuck?

Marco Yolo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9rilt/who_risked_everything_to_explore_asia_and_didnt/
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Joe’s headache

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe is shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him £15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 would fit fine.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years sir!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years sir.'
Joe tried  the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! You got it wrong this time! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you hell of a Headache.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9rg1r/joes_headache/
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How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem?

He worked it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9reun/how_did_the_constipated_mathematician_solve_his/
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What was Adam and Eve’s biggest problem during their marriage?

They could never agree on who wore the plants in the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9rcvb/what_was_adam_and_eves_biggest_problem_during/
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I took my dying pig to the vet

Imagine my surprise when he said he had cured it .. there’s a man who really knows his salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9rbof/i_took_my_dying_pig_to_the_vet/
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A bear walks into a bar

and says "Give me a rum and.............cola"
"Why the big pause?" asks the barman.
The bear shrugs and says "I dunno, I was born with them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ra3e/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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Never date a radiologist.

She’ll see right through you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9r9oe/never_date_a_radiologist/
%
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9r7j1/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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What do you call an Arab Elvis impersonator?

Amal Shookup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9r7ie/what_do_you_call_an_arab_elvis_impersonator/
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You are odd!

Sorry I'm odd too. Now we're even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9r73q/you_are_odd/
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An infinite number of Mathematicians

walked into a bar. The first one asked for 1 beer, the second asked for half a beer. The third asked for 1 quater of a beer and so on. After some thought. The bar tender poured to beers into a jug for them to share. A bystander said. Wow that was a really weird series of events.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9r3r4/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians/
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I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer...

I think they are laced with something. I've been trippin all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9r1nd/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_my_drug_dealer/
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I hate it when people compare Lionel Messi with God. I mean he's good and all...

...but he's no Messi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9qze7/i_hate_it_when_people_compare_lionel_messi_with/
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It‘s so awkward!

My sister and my new girlfriend have the same name. That‘s so awkward... now every time we have sex I gotta think about my new girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9qwkv/its_so_awkward/
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My wife said to me she doesn't understand cloning.

I said that makes 2 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9qsrn/my_wife_said_to_me_she_doesnt_understand_cloning/
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Why dont atheists believe in exponential equations?

Because they don't believe in a higher power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9qqrw/why_dont_atheists_believe_in_exponential_equations/
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What do you call it when an anti-vaxxer has a nervous breakdown?

Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9qqq2/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_antivaxxer_has_a/
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So I introduced my girlfriend to my family...

My wife was very confused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9qqnk/so_i_introduced_my_girlfriend_to_my_family/
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Doctors at euthanasia clinics think they are better than everyone else

They are are always putting someone down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9qqbt/doctors_at_euthanasia_clinics_think_they_are/
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What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.
What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9qobt/what_do_you_get_if_you_eat_314_cakes/
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My brother was arrested for feeding pigeons at the zoo.

He was feeding them to the lions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9qmkz/my_brother_was_arrested_for_feeding_pigeons_at/
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I have always loved getting electrocuted

Some things you just can't let go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9qing/i_have_always_loved_getting_electrocuted/
%
Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”
Silence followed..... complete silence...
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9qaoa/shortly_after_a_british_airlines_flight_had/
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This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9q91e/this_guy_walks_into_a_quiet_bar/
%
What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9q8vf/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_a_rectal/
%
Recent Studies...

...have shown that 1 out 6 people do not like Russian Roulette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9q8in/recent_studies/
%
I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9q0f5/i_decided_to_cut_ties_with_all_the_people/
%
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.

He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ptb5/my_friend_decided_to_have_a_testicle_removed/
%
Two aliens are sitting at a bar

One goes "florbfk ajdbkfkf unsb lodsa"
And the other frowns and said "dude your wasted, just go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9prbe/two_aliens_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
%
How does a bee commit suicide?

It stops believing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9pqjs/how_does_a_bee_commit_suicide/
%
I was wondering why the ball was getting larger....

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9plsr/i_was_wondering_why_the_ball_was_getting_larger/
%
Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.

He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.
The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.
After a few days the novelty wears off and he's bored and alone, with all his mates afraid and cowering under rocks or hiding in the weed.
That night he prays to god to transform him back to how he was.
The next day he's back to his old self he goes round to see his friend christian the shrimp and shouts "are you playing out christian?" Christian shouts "fuck off Simon you'll eat me if I come out."
Simon shouts back "you don't understand I've changed,
I'm a Prawn Again Christian!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9pjh5/simon_the_prawn_is_sick_of_being_chased_by_the/
%
How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9pe14/how_did_jesus_stay_in_such_great_shape/
%
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9pdcv/chairman_of_the_board/
%
A horse is in the pub having a few drinks...

... when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter".
Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything".
Horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”.
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress,this guy has done everything".
So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall?", donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9pcn6/a_horse_is_in_the_pub_having_a_few_drinks/
%
My dad’s best friend is gay,

So is my other dad’s best friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9p9i7/my_dads_best_friend_is_gay/
%
Why didn't Napoleon eat chicken legs?

He didn't like defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9p9d0/why_didnt_napoleon_eat_chicken_legs/
%
How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia?

Nyetflix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9p88g/hows_a_ban_on_watching_tv_called_in_russia/
%
After buzzing about in a public toilet, how long will a fly generally stay sat on a urinal?

Until it gets pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9p80k/after_buzzing_about_in_a_public_toilet_how_long/
%
Why do catcholic priests hate condoms?

They get caught on the church boys braces

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9p6a5/why_do_catcholic_priests_hate_condoms/
%
What do you call a heard of masturbating cattle?

Beef strokinoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ooev/what_do_you_call_a_heard_of_masturbating_cattle/
%
Stevie Wonder gets a divorce

Stevie Wonder is getting a divorce.
After the divorce finalization, the lawyer says, "girl, you must've done something really terrible for a blind man to never want to see you again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9onq4/stevie_wonder_gets_a_divorce/
%
A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.
“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."
The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.
There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.”
Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM.
Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9odpf/a_man_walks_into_a_resort_and_the_first_sign_he/
%
I just found out that I'm colourblind....

That came right out of the green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9o54k/i_just_found_out_that_im_colourblind/
%
What do you call a person who falls for something over and over again?

Oooh
We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching, but
You're too shy to say it
Inside, we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it
And if you ask me how I'm feeling
Don't tell me you're too blind to see
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
(Ooh, give you up)
(Ooh, give you up)
Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up)
Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up)
We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching, but
You're too shy to say it
Inside, we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9o4m6/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_falls_for_something/
%
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court

The judge looks at Mickey, confused. “Mr. Mouse, I’m sorry, but you can’t divorce your wife just because she’s silly.”
Mickey Mouse responds, “I never said she was silly, I said she was fucking Goofy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9nvfx/mickey_mouse_and_minnie_mouse_are_in_divorce_court/
%
Think you know everything about the letter t?

That's just the half of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9nnmc/think_you_know_everything_about_the_letter_t/
%
My wife has this weird kink, where she loves to bite and suck my foreskin after sex

Kind of makes me wish I threw it out after the circumcision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9mwwg/my_wife_has_this_weird_kink_where_she_loves_to/
%
What does your appendix, Republicans, and the slow lane have in common with Matthew McConaughey?

All right, all right, all right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9mwrb/what_does_your_appendix_republicans_and_the_slow/
%
If you are looking for a friend with personality message me

I have many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9muwn/if_you_are_looking_for_a_friend_with_personality/
%
My gay neighbor gave me a sextape of him and his husband for my birthday.

I think he misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9mqez/my_gay_neighbor_gave_me_a_sextape_of_him_and_his/
%
Harry Potter Joke

Hagrid: "You're a unit of power, Harry."
Harry: "I'm a watt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9mn9g/harry_potter_joke/
%
Did you hear that the first Viagra crate imported to Britain was stolen?

Police are searching for hardened criminals in possession of swollen goods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9mkbi/did_you_hear_that_the_first_viagra_crate_imported/
%
I’ve been looking into becoming a mime recently

But Im not sure it’s worth it because they don’t talk about their salaries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9meah/ive_been_looking_into_becoming_a_mime_recently/
%
You know why homeless people are always screaming on the corners?

They don't have inside voices

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ma24/you_know_why_homeless_people_are_always_screaming/
%
What does an astronomer barber do?

Eclipse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9m7jm/what_does_an_astronomer_barber_do/
%
I absolutely hated my haircut at first

but it’s growing on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9m6h8/i_absolutely_hated_my_haircut_at_first/
%
I don't understand why people say Jews are cheap.

Every single one has left a tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9m2bv/i_dont_understand_why_people_say_jews_are_cheap/
%
What’s the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a hooker who’s addicted to laxatives?

One shucks between fits and one fucks between shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9lzro/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_corn/
%
What's an Irish swimmer's favourite stroke?

Margaret Thatcher's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9lyd9/whats_an_irish_swimmers_favourite_stroke/
%
Some say that Jesus was a virgin for his whole life...

Others say he got nailed right before he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9lt5n/some_say_that_jesus_was_a_virgin_for_his_whole/
%
There are three types of people in this world.

Those who can count and those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9lp99/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
If you switch the B and S in Osama bin Laden, it becomes Obama Sin-Laden . . .

Some might consider that prophetic, others slanderous.
But I say it's just flippin' BS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9llco/if_you_switch_the_b_and_s_in_osama_bin_laden_it/
%
Two men are sitting in a bar

One man looks at the other and says
"So, you're married right? You and your wife ever.... Get freaky, and decide to put it in the other hole?"
The second man responds
"WHAT!? And run the risk of getting pregnant? Hell no!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9lkyv/two_men_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
My girlfriend finally agreed to a threesome!

Can't wait to tell her about the other two girls I have in mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9lk2f/my_girlfriend_finally_agreed_to_a_threesome/
%
I picked up a hitchhiker last night

He asked, "why would you pick up a stranger? I could be a serial killer for all you know".
I chuckled and said, "the chance of there being two serial killers in a car are pretty astronomical".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9lj4q/i_picked_up_a_hitchhiker_last_night/
%
Have you guys seen Stevie Wonder's new house?

Yea neither has he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9lc1x/have_you_guys_seen_stevie_wonders_new_house/
%
A man walks into an elevator and asks the woman beside him "Can I smell your vagina?"

"No!" She replies. The man sighs with relief "Oh. Then it must be your feet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9l9lg/a_man_walks_into_an_elevator_and_asks_the_woman/
%
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire" is a silly name for a show; everyone wants to be a millionaire. The only people who don't want to be millionaires...

are billionaires.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9l7za/who_wants_to_be_a_millionaire_is_a_silly_name_for/
%
Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9l0zh/did_anyone_elses_parents_teach_them_to_swim_by/
%
Say what you want about deaf people...

Seriously,  go ahead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ky44/say_what_you_want_about_deaf_people/
%
What’s an abusive dad’s favorite gaming console?

The Switch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9kt4x/whats_an_abusive_dads_favorite_gaming_console/
%
$10 COMPLAINT

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ksu4/10_complaint/
%
To support a friend, I went to a non-denominational event.

As it wasn't really my thing, I sat in the back. A priest came up to me and said, "The Lord has told me, today is the day that you will walk!" A little confused, I smiled at the priest, and told him I wasn't a cripple.
A little while later, a rabbi approached me and said, "By Hashem's word, you will walk today!" I also had to explain to him about being able bodied.
Later still an imam said, "Blessed Allah has told me that today, you will walk!"
I was fed up of having to explain my lack of a condition so I left. When I got outside I saw my car was stolen.
So today, I walked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9kr8d/to_support_a_friend_i_went_to_a_nondenominational/
%
An old but gold Soviet joke

Q: Rabinovich, what is a fortune?
A: A fortune is to live in our Socialist motherland.
Q: And what's a misfortune?
A: A misfortune is to have such a fortune.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9khy8/an_old_but_gold_soviet_joke/
%
I'm so good at programming I don't even need to test before I ship code.

Sent my program last week and haven't heard of any problems since!
Signed,
Richard
Junior Helicopter Auto-Pilot Software Developer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9khxj/im_so_good_at_programming_i_dont_even_need_to/
%
A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9kguo/a_poll_was_taken_by_california_governor_gavin/
%
My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9keiu/my_actor_friend_got_fired_from_his_lead_role_in_a/
%
How do you create tension?

I’ll tell you tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9k8vj/how_do_you_create_tension/
%
Someone was banging on my door yesterday and yelling "let me in, let me in". I went and had a look through the peep hole, and standing outside was a man dressed as a basin.

Just let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9k1x9/someone_was_banging_on_my_door_yesterday_and/
%
How do you make friends?

Asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9k0ap/how_do_you_make_friends/
%
“One last question,” said the job interviewer.

“What would you say your biggest weakness is?”
The interviewee thinks for a moment, smiles confidently, and says “I never know when to quit, sir.”
The interviewer chuckles. “Well, I must say, I’m very impressed with your resume and skillset. I’m happy to welcome you aboard!”
The two men stand up and shake hands.
The newly-hired employee says “I quit,” and walks out the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jyhi/one_last_question_said_the_job_interviewer/
%
What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9juup/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_and_finding/
%
What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jugr/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_cries_while_he/
%
Cashier: scans condoms

“Do you need a bag sir?”
Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
“Take it anyway. She’s going to want you to wear it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jttz/cashier_scans_condoms/
%
Hunting Trip

Two guys are hunting in the woods and come across a goat with its head stuck in the fence.
1st guy says, "Man I haven't had sex in a while and I'm thinking about fucking that goat. Can you keep it a secret?"
2nd guy says, "sure go ahead"
So the 1st guy goes up and just pounds this goat real good
2nd guy says, "that looks fun. Mind if I give it a shot?"
1st guy says, "yeah, go for it"
So the 2nd guy goes up, pulls his pants down, and puts his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jrpk/hunting_trip/
%
Anti-Vaxxers are immune to logical arguments

too bad for them they aren't immune to everything else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jqw4/antivaxxers_are_immune_to_logical_arguments/
%
If two wrongs don’t make a right, what do two rights make?

An airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9joyo/if_two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right_what_do_two/
%
There was a lad named John

who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he resorted to a life of crime to keep him off the streets, and for a while, he was quite successful. This was because he was stealthy. Very much so. He would walk around barefooted in order to not make a sound, putting on his shoes after committing his crimes. Some of the most spectacular bank robberies and museum heists were carried out by himself on his own. However, after an illustrious criminal career, he was finally uncovered by law enforcement and caught, eventually getting sentenced to 20 years in jail. He was restricted to a maximum security prison, but was given access to medical help as his years spent barefoot on broken glass and the like meant that he had callouses and corns all over his feet and toes. The doctor provided him with a device that drew out moisture for John to use on his injuries. John immediately loved the device, and a daily activity for him was to use it on the gigantic corns on his toes, seeing that leisurely activities were severely restricted on the account that it was a maximum security prison. However, John quickly noticed that the prison's power supply cut off in the middle of the night during light's out, after which he could not use his electrically powered dryer. The next morning, he complained to the jail warden. The jail warden, upon hearing this, decided to hook the dryer up to a gigantic battery pack that would be more than enough to last John through the week. John was elated. Soon, night fell, and the power was out. John wanted to use his dryer, but quickly realised that he couldn't see clearly due to the darkness of the cell. He quickly found the electrical wiring system and, having tinkered with appliances during his stint as a criminal, hooked up his device to his mains. The lights in his cell lit up, catching the attention of the prison warden. The prison warden asked John how he did it, to which John promptly replied:
"My toe corn dryer is the powerhouse of the cell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jnno/there_was_a_lad_named_john/
%
Whenever i see a woman driving a bus, i smile to myself and think how far we have come in the whole equality thing compared to just a few short years ago

Then i wait for the next bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jmd2/whenever_i_see_a_woman_driving_a_bus_i_smile_to/
%
The Hunting accident

While out on a hunting expedition, a man is climbing over a fallen tree when his shotgun goes off, hitting him straight in the groin. Rushed to hospital , he awakes from the anaesthetic to find the surgeon has done a marvellous job repairing his damaged member. As he dresses to go home, the surgeon wanders over and hands him a business card. 'This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him.' The guy is shocked. 'But it says here that he's a professional flute player,' he says. 'How can he help me?' The doctor smiles. 'Well,' he says, ' he's going to show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jm5k/the_hunting_accident/
%
What is the difference between Americans and Canadians?

L'attitude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jlga/what_is_the_difference_between_americans_and/
%
One guacamole is equal to 6.0221415 times 10^23 guacas.

It’s avocadro’s constant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jjp2/one_guacamole_is_equal_to_60221415_times_1023/
%
Doctor told me I can only eat liquid foods now

The truth was hard to swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jikt/doctor_told_me_i_can_only_eat_liquid_foods_now/
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

Now you can’t tell me that’s just coincidence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jgnz/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How does a flower whistle?

Through their tulips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jd82/how_does_a_flower_whistle/
%
There once was a carpenter.

Ryever the carpenter was known for cutting corners. Instead of fitting wood, he would hold his furniture together with screws and glue.
Being so cheap and miserly, many people started calling him a 'Scrooge'.
Despite this, his furniture was known far and wide as being extremely high quality, and despite his flaws the people loved him.
This made it all the more sad when one day, Ryever was found dead in his shop, a bucket of screws having fallen onto his head.
The people mourned him, and many young apprentices tried to take up his work, but none of them could replicate his successes.
Nobody knew what to do without the Scrooge Ryever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jco9/there_once_was_a_carpenter/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9jbm9/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
My grandpa always says that kids these days rely on technology too much.

I said “No you rely on technology too much.” Then I unplugged his life support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9j8p2/my_grandpa_always_says_that_kids_these_days_rely/
%
The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.

He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9j8ed/the_hospital_that_my_son_is_staying_at_got_the/
%
Do you wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

That’s the spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9j7s6/do_you_wanna_hear_a_joke_about_ghosts/
%
If I had a dollar for ever gender...

Id have 2$ and a shit ton of counterfeits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9j0yt/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_ever_gender/
%
A woman goes to a psychologist, and the doctor can see she is visibly upset.

"Tell me what you're upset about," says the psychologist.
"It's my dreams, Doctor. One night I'll dream I'm a tepee, and then the next night I'll dream I'm a wigwam. The next night I'm a tepee again, and then I'm a wigwam the next! What does it mean?!"
"Don't worry, I know what's wrong," replied the psychologist. "You're two tents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9iwc4/a_woman_goes_to_a_psychologist_and_the_doctor_can/
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A kid asks his grandpa...

“When was the last time you had amnesia?”
He says back “I don’t remember”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ivn8/a_kid_asks_his_grandpa/
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Two Cheese Trucks collide on the freeway

De-brie flew everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9iv4h/two_cheese_trucks_collide_on_the_freeway/
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Fred loves camping, but his wife absolutely hates it (NSFW)

Every week Fred bugs his wife about it but its the same thing every time, she refuses to go camping.  Finally having heard enough his wife says "fine, how about this? I have a list of things that need to be done around the house. If you finish everything on the list by Friday, I'll go camping with you.".
Fred looks at the formidable list and thinks "I'll really have to bust ass to get this all done by Friday,"
His wife thinks there's no way he's ever going to finish and she can kill two birds with one stone. She can put the camping thing to rest for a while and get the house straightened up.
Fred fucking loves camping, though, and hasn't been in years. Hes waking up hours before work and heading home early. He fixes the garbage disposal in the kitchen and replaces the whole sink in the bathroom. He fixes the deck that was falling apart. He cleans the gutters, trims the old oak tree in back, and he gets the spare bedroom painted. All week long he works his ass off and by the time Friday rolls around, the entire list is complete. He proudly presents it to his wife.
"Alright, the list is done. Get your bags packed, we're going camping,"
"...I never thought you would finish," responds his wife, "I hate camping, I dont want to go.".
"I'll give you a choice then," says Fred, "I'm taking the dog for a long walk. When I get back, one of three things is going to happen. You'll have your bag ready and well go camping, you'll let me stick it in your ass, or you'll give me a good blowjob, to completion,"
His wife agrees.
So Fred grabs the leash and heads out with the dog. 30 minutes later he arrives back at the house.
"Well, are you packed?"
"I wont go camping."
"You'll let me stick it in you're butt then?"
"No, not going for anal either."
"So you'll blow me? It's been a while since you gave me a good blowjob," says Fred.
"I'll blow you. To completion," says his wife.
So she gets on her knees and undoes his pants and she goes to town. It was a long list, after all. But just a few seconds in she's coughing and sputtering and spitting. "Jesus fucking Christ!" She says, "I cant do this! What's going on, your dick tastes like shit!"
"Yeah," sighs Fred, "the dog didnt want to go camping either.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9irfy/fred_loves_camping_but_his_wife_absolutely_hates/
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A group of blondes walk into a bar,

all of them chanting "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They got a table and continued to yell "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They started hooting and high-fiving each other as well. Intrigued, the bartender walks over to the table and sees a finished child's puzzle with Sesame Street's Elmo on it. "What are we celebrating?" asks the bartender.
"We finished this puzzle in twenty-four days," said one of the blondes,"but the box label said '3 to 5 years'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9iqt0/a_group_of_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
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A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked
"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"
"What did it ask?" The mother replied
"It asked for the past tense of think"
"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.
"I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9iizh/a_mother_is_cooking_dinner_when_she_hears_her_son/
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Two blondes go on vacation and rent

a boat for the day to go fishing. They lower the anchor and start fishing on the lake. After a really successful days' fishing, one blonde says "We should come back to this same place tomorrow," and so she takes out a marker and draws an "X" in the bottom of the boat. "This will help us find the location," she says.
The other blonde watches and then rolls her eyes. "You idiot!" says the second blonde. "How do you know we'll get the same boat!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9iiqe/two_blondes_go_on_vacation_and_rent/
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How to fall off stairs

Step- 1
Step- 2
Step- 6
Step- 14
Step- 28

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9iiog/how_to_fall_off_stairs/
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A true story that has a punchline

I was standing out in front of a big box store with my dad, waiting on my Aunt to shop. When we see a beautiful African American lady walk past in yoga pants. I’m talking drop dead gorgeous!
After watching her walk into the store, my dad comments “Holy crap, those should be illegal!”
I turn to him and say “They were, dad, for hundreds of years. Then we had a civil war and freed them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ibsx/a_true_story_that_has_a_punchline/
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Whats the difference between a school bus and a cactus?

With a cactus the little pricks are on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9i9tt/whats_the_difference_between_a_school_bus_and_a/
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What do you call it when a kid is good for 365 days in a row?

Fantastic behaveyear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9i8k7/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_kid_is_good_for_365/
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A photon checks into a hotel

When asked if he wanted help with his bags, he said, "No, it's ok, I'm traveling light"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9i6ol/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
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There are 10 kinds of people...

...those who understand binary and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9i46u/there_are_10_kinds_of_people/
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So these 2 guys are pretty studious.

They both study pretty hard. Finals are the next day, so they make plans to have a study session.  Their teacher is very strict, and says anyone late to class will fail. However, they hear of a party going on. They know they should study, but they can’t reisist a good party.
Predictably, they get wasted, and oversleep the next morning. They wake up and hurry to class. They make up a lie on the way, so they wouldn’t fail. When they get to class the teacher tells them that they have both failed for being late. “But sir, a tire on our car went flat. Surely you can’t punish us for something not our fault!” One of them says. The professer thinks about it, then agrees to give them the test. He places them in different rooms and returns. He gives them each one paper, with one question for 100 points.
“Which tire went flat?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9i2bb/so_these_2_guys_are_pretty_studious/
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Price of gas

I stopped for gas yesterday and asked for 5 bucks worth.  The clerk farted twice and asked me if I wanted a receipt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9hw8q/price_of_gas/
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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”
“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way...
“Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”
“The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief.
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9hw38/a_bright_young_graduate_joined_the_internal/
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How did the tree find his wife?

He branched out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9hvcr/how_did_the_tree_find_his_wife/
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There are 2 types of people in the world...

1. People that are vaccinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9huiz/there_are_2_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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Two people were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ht3b/two_people_were_walking_home_after_a_halloween/
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What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9hm7k/what_do_you_call_a_grizzly_bear_with_no_teeth/
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A mother and her inquisitive young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The little boy admitted that she did.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9hkv9/a_mother_and_her_inquisitive_young_son_were/
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Why Can't Stevie Wonder See His Friends?

Because he's married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9hjsa/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
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People say I'm condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9hj12/people_say_im_condescending/
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There was a stray cat in my driveway this morning, it meowed at me so I meowed back...

...now I'm nervous because I'm not sure what I agreed to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9hhl8/there_was_a_stray_cat_in_my_driveway_this_morning/
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9hfyp/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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Bread is like the sun..

it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9hfqc/bread_is_like_the_sun/
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What does a panda use to make pancakes?

A pan....duh!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9hbgb/what_does_a_panda_use_to_make_pancakes/
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This happened in a little town in Northern Saskatchewan. Even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

Harry was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark and stormy Halloween night. The night was getting darker and the rain came harder, and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly Harry saw a car come toward him and stop.
Without thinking about it, Harry got in the car and closed the door. Just as he realized there was nobody behind the wheel, the car started to move. As his panic set in, he looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared beyond belief, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just when the car got to the curve, and Harry thought it was all over, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel.
Harry was paralyzed in terror as he watched the hand appear every time the car got to a curve.
Gathering strength, Harry jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a bar and asked for two shots of rye. He started telling everyone about the horrible experience he went through. The crowd sat in an eerie silence when they realized that Harry was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar. One said to the other, "Look Pete, there's the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9h6a4/this_happened_in_a_little_town_in_northern/
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What is a diver's pet peeve?

The bends.
It really makes his blood boil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9h61o/what_is_a_divers_pet_peeve/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9h5sg/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9h13o/april_showers_bring_may_flowers_but_what_do_may/
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Have you guys heard about Fight Club? I went last night. Its pretty awesome, everyone should go.

I got there a few minutes late and missed some of the rules, but no problem!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9gyoi/have_you_guys_heard_about_fight_club_i_went_last/
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Two things will never get old

1. Antivaxx jokes
2. Antivaxx kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9gwwg/two_things_will_never_get_old/
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The Funeral Procession

A man leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second horse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a shot distance back, was about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disrupt you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's"
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her"
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9gt74/the_funeral_procession/
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Today the doctor told me I was Colorblind...

It came completely out of the orange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9gp95/today_the_doctor_told_me_i_was_colorblind/
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My wife likes to talk during sex

Last week she called me from the hotel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9gj3d/my_wife_likes_to_talk_during_sex/
%
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9gj1h/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
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Satan:Hey I bought your soul last week and-

Me:No refunds
Satan:Please it’s making me sad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9gho9/satanhey_i_bought_your_soul_last_week_and/
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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F\*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9gers/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/
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I hate Russian dolls

they're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9gemy/i_hate_russian_dolls/
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I piss on the side of the bowl to make less noise

But that doesn't stop my brother from asking me what I'm doing to his cereal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9geg2/i_piss_on_the_side_of_the_bowl_to_make_less_noise/
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My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.

He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9gdbz/my_boss_just_appointed_me_as_his_sexual_consultant/
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A man goes to the doctor because his penis is too big...

The doctor has a look and says yes, that’s too big at 25 inches, but I don’t want to operate on you. However, he continues, there’s a frog in the forest nearby, and if you ask her to marry you, she’ll say “no” and your penis will be 5 inches shorter.
The man goes into the forest, finds the frog, and asks her to marry him. The frog says no, and when the man looks down, his penis is 5 inches shorter.  Happy with the results, he asks again and the frog says “no”.
After checking again, the man says, ok, one more time should do it. And he asks the frog again “Do you want to marry me?” At which the frog, slightly irritated, replies “No, no, no!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9gbb5/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_because_his_penis_is_too/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ga3a/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9g33b/whats_the_difference_between_anal_and_oral_sex/
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How do the French say "you're welcome"?

Rudely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9g2x0/how_do_the_french_say_youre_welcome/
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I was watching Jurassic Park yesterday when I thought.....

"not only does my son have a stupid name, he's also a terrible driver".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9g0ny/i_was_watching_jurassic_park_yesterday_when_i/
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I don't believe in hitting my kids as punishment.

So i send them to school wearing crocs and shirts with anime on it and let other kids beat them instead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9fw9g/i_dont_believe_in_hitting_my_kids_as_punishment/
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A elderly woman was brought into a nursing home...

...and on that first Sunday afternoon after her arrival, the nurses noticed a bowl of peanuts placed on the counter of the nursing station. The peanuts barely lasted until the end of the shift as everyone enjoyed them.
Sure enough, every Sunday afternoon the bowl was refilled again and again and emptied just like the previous week by all who worked there.
The staff figured that they were brought by the family of the new patient when they visited so give thanks for taking care of their loved one. However the mystery was solved early one Sunday afternoon when one of the staff happened to be at the desk when the new elderly patient was seen carrying a fresh bowl of peanuts up.
"Oh, so you're the one who keeps refilling that bowl full of nuts", said one of the the nurses.
"Yes it's me," says the old woman, "I was hoping you would enjoy them but you guys eat them so darn fast. It takes me nearly a week to suck all the chocolate off them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9fv89/a_elderly_woman_was_brought_into_a_nursing_home/
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Has anyone seen today's date?

Apparently it can't be found.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ftom/has_anyone_seen_todays_date/
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A city guy drives into the country and sees some ducks at pond...

He walks up to the ducks and asks them their name and what they’re up to.
The first duck says “Hi, my name is Quack and I’m just blowing bubbles.”
The man then goes to the second duck and the duck says “Hi, my name is Quack Quack and I’m just blowing bubbles.”
So, when the man goes up to the third duck he says “Haha, let me guess. You’re name is Quack Quack Quack?”
The duck just smiles and says “Nope, I’m Bubbles...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9fsbr/a_city_guy_drives_into_the_country_and_sees_some/
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The prostate exam

A guy goes in for a prostate exam and asks the doctor, "Where should I put my pants?"
And the doctor says, "Over there, next to mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9fq6q/the_prostate_exam/
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When a guy has slept with a lot of girls, he’s cool

But when a girl has slept with a lot of guys, she’s your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9fjqg/when_a_guy_has_slept_with_a_lot_of_girls_hes_cool/
%
My doctor informed me that I’m losing my sight.

I didn’t see it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9fdre/my_doctor_informed_me_that_im_losing_my_sight/
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Rest in peace, boiling water.

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9fccr/rest_in_peace_boiling_water/
%
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.

I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9f2dg/this_girl_came_up_to_me_today_and_said_she/
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Genie: What's your first wish? Steve: I wish I was rich

Genie: What's your second wish, Rich?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9f270/genie_whats_your_first_wish_steve_i_wish_i_was/
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Did you hear about the chemist who was arrested?

He threw sodium chloride at his wife, that's a salt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9f1n6/did_you_hear_about_the_chemist_who_was_arrested/
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The first day of school, I signed up for Math, English, Science and Geography..

The rest, as they say, is History

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9eytu/the_first_day_of_school_i_signed_up_for_math/
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You know what they say about incest...

It doesn’t count if they yell  “No Chromo”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9evqu/you_know_what_they_say_about_incest/
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How do you spot a blind man at a nudie beach?

He's reading Goosebumps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9eu6r/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nudie_beach/
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Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9elhr/not_bragging_but_i_made_six_figures_last_year/
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I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ekv8/i_can_always_tell_just_by_looking_when_someone_is/
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I said it once and I'll say it again...

it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ej94/i_said_it_once_and_ill_say_it_again/
%
Why does Europe look so sexy all of a sudden?

Because it has lost a few pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9eb1r/why_does_europe_look_so_sexy_all_of_a_sudden/
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Turns out I've been dating a communist...

...I blame myself, I should've seen the red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9e2rp/turns_out_ive_been_dating_a_communist/
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A man goes into a bar followed by an ostrich.

He gets a beer and a sandwich. When he asked the bartender for the bill the bartender replied: "$7 33 cents"
The man puts his hand in his jacket pocket and randomly grabs a few bills and coins and drops it on the table. To the bartender's surprise it was exactly $7 33 cents.
"That was fortunate," said the bartender.
The man smiles and leaves with the ostrich still behind him.
He comes back to the same bar the next day, with the ostrich. Buys a few drinks and a bar pizza. The bill was $34 57cents. He puts his hand in the jacket pocket, grabs a few bills and coins at random and drops it on the table.
The bartender counts it. Exactly the same amount as the bill. "That was just awesome! How the hell did you do that?" He asked.
" I found a genie in the Arabian desert some time ago," the man said. " I freed him and he gave me a couple of wishes. I asked to have unlimited money so he gave me this jacket. However much money I need, I just have to put my hand in the pocket and it will be there. Th exact amount."
"That's why.." the bartender said.
"Yup. It's easy in case of smaller amount. You should have seen me when I went to buy a helicopter. The salesman got a bit confused to say the least."
"Holy shit! That's a power!" said the bartender. He then looked at the ostrich behind him.
"What's the deal with the ostrich?"
The man sighed, "for my second wish I asked for a chick with long legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9dxpi/a_man_goes_into_a_bar_followed_by_an_ostrich/
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Why do CIA Intelligence Officers hate everyone and everything?

It's just what they do. They despise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9dvhj/why_do_cia_intelligence_officers_hate_everyone/
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Sex is like snow

you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9duf9/sex_is_like_snow/
%
“Knock knock” “Hi, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?”

“Yes”
.........
................
“Would you like to step inside?”
“I’m not sure, I’ve never made it this far”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9dswr/knock_knock_hi_do_you_have_a_moment_to_talk_about/
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What do you call a wizard with wireless headphones?

Airy-Podder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9dry2/what_do_you_call_a_wizard_with_wireless_headphones/
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What lays on its back 100 feet in the air?

A centipede

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9dptg/what_lays_on_its_back_100_feet_in_the_air/
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To the thief

who stole my anti-depressants
I hope you're happy now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9dice/to_the_thief/
%
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9dglq/my_local_drug_dealer_started_dressing_up_as_a/
%
What has four eyes, but still can't read?

Mississippi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9d66n/what_has_four_eyes_but_still_cant_read/
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In Jamaica...

...you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75. Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9d1fy/in_jamaica/
%
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.
We have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.  I truly apologize for this and anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight...."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later,
"**If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available**."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9csjv/shortly_after_takeoff_on_an_outbound_evening_air/
%
What does the gay rooster say?

ANY COCK WILLDOOOOOOOO
(old one but a good one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9cqrf/what_does_the_gay_rooster_say/
%
I think I have been hacked by Russia



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9cnd7/i_think_i_have_been_hacked_by_russia/
%
An English man, a French man, a Spaniard and a German are watching a man juggle...

The juggler notices he has a poor view, so he stands up on a wooden box.
The juggler says : “Can you see me now?”.
The 4 men respond with:
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Sí”
“Ja”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9cjem/an_english_man_a_french_man_a_spaniard_and_a/
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A young couple who saved themselves for marriage were about to tie the knot

The night before their nuptials, the bride confided in her maid of honor about her concerns.
"I lied and told him I was a virgin, and now I am afraid he'll find out!"
"Don't worry," her friend told her. "This is what you do: go to the butcher and get him to slice you a nice thin piece of liver. Right before you go to bed, slip it in there, and I guarantee he'll never know the difference!"
The young bride follows her advice, and on their first night together, they make passionate love the whole night through, and pass out in bliss.
The following morning, she awoke to find his side of the bed empty except for a note and a single rose on his pillow.
"My dearest darling," the note read. "I love you with all my heart and soul, but unfortunately, we can no longer be together. I love you and god bless. P.S. - your vagina is in the bathroom sink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ciad/a_young_couple_who_saved_themselves_for_marriage/
%
I hate going into jewellery stores with my girlfriend , all the staff always assume we're there for the engagement rings.

Mind you, the ski masks probably don't help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9cfi0/i_hate_going_into_jewellery_stores_with_my/
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Two blondes on the parking

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while.
Finally one gets am idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried.
"HURRY, HURRY," she urges. "IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9cc1s/two_blondes_on_the_parking/
%
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?
Boy: Pockets.
Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: OH MY GOD.
Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9c8gd/a_female_class_teacher_was_having_a_problem_with/
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A BLONDE & HER TWO COATS

While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room. After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing. She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the living room." He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked, "Why are you wearing two coats? She replied, "I read the directions on the paint can, and they said, ''For best results, put on two coats!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9c8cq/a_blonde_her_two_coats/
%
I’m a father of four and I spent the whole week child-proofing my house...

But for the little bastards keep getting in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9c6re/im_a_father_of_four_and_i_spent_the_whole_week/
%
A teacher is teaching a class...

...and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None."
The teacher asks, "Why?"
Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."
The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."
Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9c4ht/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class/
%
I saw people putting notes at the bottom of a telephone pole. I asked them what they were doing and one person said:

"We are putting comments under this post."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9c47p/i_saw_people_putting_notes_at_the_bottom_of_a/
%
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9c37h/kid_1_hey_i_bet_youre_still_a_virgin/
%
A Blonde & Her Thermos

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.
Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"
She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9c2q0/a_blonde_her_thermos/
%
A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry”, the dad replied.
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9c2hg/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table/
%
A guy is at a drugstore buying condoms

Cashier: Would you like a bag, sir?
Guy: No need: she's not that ugly this time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9bxk8/a_guy_is_at_a_drugstore_buying_condoms/
%
Have you heard about the investigation on the Harry Potter series?

It took them a while to get the story straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9bwt4/have_you_heard_about_the_investigation_on_the/
%
Why did the scarecrow win the award?

He was just outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9bw6b/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_award/
%
Being told I was going deaf...

was very difficult to hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9btea/being_told_i_was_going_deaf/
%
Three couples are trying to get married at a local church.

One was an elderly couple, another was a middle-aged couple, and the third a young couple. So the priest calls each of these couples in and presents them with a challenge.
“In order to get married at my church,” he says “you have to go an entire month without having sex.”
So they leave the church and they come back one month later, and the priest calls them in separately to see how it went.
First, he asks the elderly couple, “Have you been able to complete my task?”
“Yes, it was easy...” they replied, and they set the date for their wedding.
Next, he calls in the middle-aged couple,  “Were you two able to complete the month without sex?” he asks them.
“Yes,” they replied “it got a little bit difficult towards the end but we made it through.” And he allowed them to set a date for their wedding as well.
Finally, he calls in the young couple and he asks them “Were you able to complete the month?”
“No,  we couldn’t do it...” they said.
“Tell me why” the priest replies.
“Well my girlfriend was holding a can of corn and she dropped it,” the boyfriend said “and when she bent over to pick it up, I couldn’t help myself.”
Then the priest said “Well, for not completing the challenge I cannot allow for you to be married in my church. In fact, I never want to see you back here again.”
“Funny,” the boyfriend replies, “we aren’t welcome in the supermarket either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9bnaf/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married_at_a/
%
The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9bjj0/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Trump wants to ban shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9bcqb/trump_wants_to_ban_shredded_cheese/
%
How do you avoid getting involved in evil cults?

Practice safe sects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9bac1/how_do_you_avoid_getting_involved_in_evil_cults/
%
Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during a dinner and all the other guests have to pretend nothing happened

Noble gases are supposed to have no reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9b9ix/queen_elizabeth_accidentally_farts_during_a/
%
Two farmers are standing in a field discussing their work.

“I’m having an issue with my flock of cows,” the first farmer admits.
“Herd of cows,” the second farmer corrects his friend.
“Of course I’ve heard of cows,” the first farmer barks, “I’ve got a whole flock of them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9b9iq/two_farmers_are_standing_in_a_field_discussing/
%
I just started following English soccer, and West Ham is my favorite team.

It’s named after two things ISIS hates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9b8hk/i_just_started_following_english_soccer_and_west/
%
Did you hear the good news about reincarnation?

It's making a comeback!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9b5vt/did_you_hear_the_good_news_about_reincarnation/
%
My father was a lot like a Time Lord...

He was played by several different men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9b5pp/my_father_was_a_lot_like_a_time_lord/
%
What does the EU call Miley Cyrus?

Kilometre Cyrus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9axx1/what_does_the_eu_call_miley_cyrus/
%
Why did the Jews kill Jesus ?

Because he was healing people for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9aw04/why_did_the_jews_kill_jesus/
%
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
“Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ateo/a_man_and_his_wife_are_discussing_what_they_think/
%
It used to be called a "jumpoline,"

Until your mom got on one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9anqo/it_used_to_be_called_a_jumpoline/
%
A man is begging a judge to let him off jury duty because of his job.

“I’m sure your company can get along fine without you for a few days,” the judge tells the man.
“I know,” the man answers. “But that’s what I’m trying to prevent them from figuring out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9an7q/a_man_is_begging_a_judge_to_let_him_off_jury_duty/
%
A father confronts his young son in the backyard.

“I heard you skipped school today to go to the beach with your friends.”
“That’s a lie!” the boy shouts. “And I’ve got the movie stub to prove it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9akq1/a_father_confronts_his_young_son_in_the_backyard/
%
Joe Biden formally announcing his run for president

Bernie Sanders: I am running
Andrew Yang: I am running
Kamala Harris: I am running
Elizabeth Warren: I am running
Joe Biden: Me too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ahsx/joe_biden_formally_announcing_his_run_for/
%
My wife left me for giving my penis a name...

Guess I'll have to take Matters into my own hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ahnu/my_wife_left_me_for_giving_my_penis_a_name/
%
I used to be against chiropractors until I had a session.

I now stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9aft4/i_used_to_be_against_chiropractors_until_i_had_a/
%
I went to the store to buy condoms.

The lady at the counter asked if I needed a bag.
I said "No, that's OK. She's not that ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9aenf/i_went_to_the_store_to_buy_condoms/
%
What's the world coming to? I'm now under investigation just for wolf-whistling at attractive girls who walk past the building site....

Fuck knows who's going to fix that schools roof now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9acqp/whats_the_world_coming_to_im_now_under/
%
Why does Logan Paul never high five Ricegum?

He always leaves asians hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9acnt/why_does_logan_paul_never_high_five_ricegum/
%
A tired man decides he needs to get away from it all

He quits his job, packs up his belongings, and flees to a remote region of Siberia.
After days of hiking through the cold, he stumbles upon a small tribe entirely comprised of men.
“A visitor has found our humble community!” the tribe’s leader announces. “Come, join us brother!” The whole tribe rejoices.
Confused, but desperate, the man obliges, and the tribe leader brings him to a small room. At peace, the man falls right asleep.
But suddenly, in the middle of the night, the man is jolted awake by a piercing call in the distance.
“CARIBOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”
He rushes to his window. All of the tribesman are outside _having sex with caribou!_
“What?! I must be dreaming,” says the man. He falls back asleep and tries to forget what he saw.
A day passes, and the next night at 12 sharp the man’s sleep is once again interrupted.
“CARIBOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”
Again, he looks outside. Sure enough, a herd of Caribou comes running, and the tribesmen start having sex with them. He slams his blinds shut, and tries to forget once again.
Overwhelmed with disgust, he decides to approach the leader the next day.
“You guys aren’t having sex with Caribou, right?”
“Ah yes, naive brother! We’re all men and have needs. Caribou make great sexual partners - one day you will find your own.”
“Fuck that!” he exclaims, storming off. But he knows it is his only shelter for miles - he decides to stay for longer despite it.
Weeks, and then months go by.
“CARIBOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”
The call rattles his windows every night. Eventually, his mind starts to wander.
“I am really fucking horny,” he mumbles to himself one evening. “Maybe I’ll just try it once.”
Midnight comes around, and the man nervously goes into the village with the other tribespeople. The clock strikes 12.
“CARIBOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”
He calls with everyone else. As promised, a whole herd of caribou comes trotting towards them.
The man awkwardly picks one out, pulls down his pants, and starts having sex with it.
Immediately all the tribesmen stop what they’re doing, and stare at the man in terror.
“WHAT are you doing brother?!” the leader pleads.
“What do you mean?? Everyone does this! You all have sex with caribou, too!”
“Yeah, of course we do,” said the tribe leader, “but that’s the ugliest fucking caribou I’ve ever seen!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9ac83/a_tired_man_decides_he_needs_to_get_away_from_it/
%
What do you do if you see a spaceman?

You park in it man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9a4hq/what_do_you_do_if_you_see_a_spaceman/
%
An italian mafia man got in to a Mercedes-Benz model taxi

As he was sitting in the back, he asked the driver: "why is that hood ornament sticking out like that in mercs?"
The driver answered jokingly: so it would be easier to aim when driving over pedestrians. See that old lady crossing the road over there?" driver started to acclerate towards her and on the last moment steered away so he didnt hit her. "what was that sound?" the driver asked. "you missed her, so i got her with my door"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9a0bz/an_italian_mafia_man_got_in_to_a_mercedesbenz/
%
A Roman Pirate screamed at his crew members: "How many ships did you loot today?!"

They replied: Aye Aye Captain!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b99s4z/a_roman_pirate_screamed_at_his_crew_members_how/
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HOLDING A BABY

This woman wouldn't let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, don't bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if I'm drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b99nfo/holding_a_baby/
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A man and his wife are cooking a ham one day

The woman chops off both ends and throws them away before putting it in the oven . Surprised, the husband asks why she did that. She replies “Well that’s the way my mother did it!” Curious, he calls his mother in-law and asks her why she did it that way. She tells him “My mother always did it that way growing up!” So he calls his wife’s grandmother and asks again “Why do you do it that way?” She laughs and tells him “It wouldn’t fit in the pan!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b99c3f/a_man_and_his_wife_are_cooking_a_ham_one_day/
%
What's the stupidest animal in Africa?

The penguin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b99bpx/whats_the_stupidest_animal_in_africa/
%
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it."
After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?"
I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess"
...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b992pg/while_golfing_i_accidentally_overturned_my_golf/
%
Why did the alphabet smell so bad after its letters were rearranged?

Because it had a vowel movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b992bu/why_did_the_alphabet_smell_so_bad_after_its/
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Once there was a boy named Billy, whose parents were very kind and overprotective.

One night Billy heard them arguing. They called each other bitches and bastards. That morning Billy asked what those words meant and his parents replied, "Oh, uh, boys and girls!"
In the afternoon Billy went into the bathroom. His dad was shaving and cried "SHIT!" as he accidentally cut himself. Billy asked what 'shit' meant and his dad stuttered, "Shave."
Billy went to the kitchen an hour later, where his mother was cutting a turkey. She accidentally cut her finger and yelped, "Fuck!" Billy asked what it meant and she nervously said, "Cut!"
That night the neighbours came over for dinner. Billy greeted them at the door - "Hello, bitches and bastards! My dad's in the bathroom shitting himself and my mother's in the kitchen fucking a turkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b98swu/once_there_was_a_boy_named_billy_whose_parents/
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Being Gay

Pro: Reduces the global population
Con: It sure is a pain in the butt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b98rod/being_gay/
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The Logical Scientist

Two Aussie builders (Keith & Ken) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Ken: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Keith: - No way - he's a stockbroker..
Ken: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Ken and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Ken: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Ken: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Ken: - Err.... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Ken: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.
Ken - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?
Ken: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Ken: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
your wife on a regular basis?
Ken:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Ken: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Ken: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Ken: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Ken returns to his mate.
Keith: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Ken - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Keith: - What's that then?
Ken: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Keith: - Nope.
Ken: - Well then, you're a wanker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b98lcd/the_logical_scientist/
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Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*

Car roof: \*slaps Isaac Newton\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b98k63/isaac_newton_slaps_roof_of_car/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger is going into the pest control business.

He's the ex-terminator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b98iir/arnold_schwarzenegger_is_going_into_the_pest/
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Why do deaf guys love chicks in yoga pants?

Cos they can read their lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b98fyt/why_do_deaf_guys_love_chicks_in_yoga_pants/
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A couple had two mischievous little boys, aged 8 and 10. To teach them some manners, the parents contacted a clergyman who had been successful in rehabilitating bad children in the past.

The clergyman asked to see the boys individually. The 8 year old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and asked what happened.
The younger brother replied, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b98faj/a_couple_had_two_mischievous_little_boys_aged_8/
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so I just found out my superpower is being invisible

to any woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b98dvs/so_i_just_found_out_my_superpower_is_being/
%
Subway

Lettuce meat olive your eggspectations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b98cgt/subway/
%
What's the most powerful country after USA ?

USB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b98aot/whats_the_most_powerful_country_after_usa/
%
My girlfriend is like a bottle of ketchup

I always have to slap her on the bottom to get her to come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b97vde/my_girlfriend_is_like_a_bottle_of_ketchup/
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Why didn't the saxophone get fired from his teaching job after multiple accusations of sexual assault?

he was a tenure sax

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b97snp/why_didnt_the_saxophone_get_fired_from_his/
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I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me

I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b97peu/i_really_hate_it_when_beggars_shake_their_coin/
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A truck loaded with Vicks vapor rub overturned on the highway

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b97m3z/a_truck_loaded_with_vicks_vapor_rub_overturned_on/
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Went to a dance last night...

They played The Twist. I did The Twist.
They played The Macarena. I did the Macarena.
They played Come On Eileen. I got thrown out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b97bgc/went_to_a_dance_last_night/
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Did you know you can catch aids from a New York toilet seat?

If you sit down before the other guy gets up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b97aak/did_you_know_you_can_catch_aids_from_a_new_york/
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A tectonic plate bump into another one and said....

My fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b979nv/a_tectonic_plate_bump_into_another_one_and_said/
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A millionaire wants his daughter to marry...

So he decideds to host a competition for a small town nearby.
"To any man who can swim across this Piranha infested pool of water unharmed, may have my daughter's hand in marriage."
20 men line up next to the pool and stand there to scared to move. Suddenly a man jumps into the water and is swimming with all his might.
Finally he comes out of the water on the other side unharmed.
"That was incredible," said the millionaire,"I am a man of my word, so you may marry my daughter."
The man turns to him and says,"Look I don't give a damn about your daughter, I just want to know the name of the bastard who pushed me in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b978pf/a_millionaire_wants_his_daughter_to_marry/
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Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koalafications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b977pf/why_arent_koalas_actual_bears/
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How do Mexicans take their medicine?

Orally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9747j/how_do_mexicans_take_their_medicine/
%
What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and Jean Luc Picard?

Picard didn't sell Data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9719g/whats_the_difference_between_mark_zuckerberg_and/
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"HEY, NICE TIE!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
The bartender replies, "It's not me; it's the complimentary peanuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b970s5/hey_nice_tie/
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What do you call a fat person who identifies as skinny?

A trans-slender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b96zu1/what_do_you_call_a_fat_person_who_identifies_as/
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A young boy is struggling in math class, and is close to failing.

His parents have tried everything in the book to support him, but his grades just wont improve. After countless tutors, online courses, and learning support his parents decide that there is only one thing left to do. They enroll him in a strict catholic boarding school, known for its strict and effective teaching style. One semester later his parents come to visit him. When they see his report card they realize he has an A in math for the first time ever! They excitedly bombard their child with questions, wanting to know just what it was that whipped their kid into shape.
“Was it the nuns?” They ask, “the teachers?”
“No, it wasn’t any of that.” The boy replied.
“It must’ve been the strict curfew the ?”
“Not that either; it was just that when I walked into school the first day and saw that guy nailed to a plus sign, I knew these Catholics were serious about math.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b96zis/a_young_boy_is_struggling_in_math_class_and_is/
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There once was a mathematician...

...who was so afraid of negative numbers that she stopped at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b96xsg/there_once_was_a_mathematician/
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Why I got divorced

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" and I felt really special.
Then, she asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said: "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" and i replied ''Okay!''
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b96ube/why_i_got_divorced/
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Illinois more like...

~~Ill-A-Noise~~
~~Ill-Annoyed~~
Cornfields.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b96t8c/illinois_more_like/
%
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I answered, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b96md7/my_boss_yelled_at_me_the_other_day_youve_got_to/
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A teacher and a student

A teacher asked Billy: If there are 5 birds on a post and you shoot 1, how many are there left Billy?
Billy: None. The rest would fly away.
Teacher: The real answer is 4 but i like the way you think.
Billy: I have a question for you ma'am. If there are 3 women eating ice cream, one licking, one biting, and one sucking, which one is married?
The teacher nervously: The one sucking?
Billy: The correct answer is the one with a wedding ring but i like the way you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b96e22/a_teacher_and_a_student/
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How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They all sit in the dark and cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b96d64/how_many_emo_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b96c99/traffic_in_new_york_seems_like_a_mass_break_up/
%
I downloaded the last Super Bowl and finally watched it on VLC

Turns out you can love the player and hate the game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b96bz2/i_downloaded_the_last_super_bowl_and_finally/
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Humans are like drums

If you hit them with a stick they will make noise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b96aka/humans_are_like_drums/
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Don’t know if this is a repost but here we go.

Three men die and arrive at the pearly white gates of heaven. St. Paul says, “Depending on how loyal you were to your wife you will be awarded a vehicle.” The first man steps up and says, “I have been with my wife for 15 years and I cheated on her 4 times.” So doing what he said, St. Paul gives him a pick up truck to drive the rest of the way to heaven. The second man steps up and says “I have been with my wife for 25 years and only cheated on her once.” So again doing what he said St. Paul gives him a sport car. Finally, the third man steps up and says, “I’ve been with my wife for 40 years and never cheated on her once.” So St. Paul gives the final man a Race car. The three men then drive off to heaven and the guy in the race car pulls over right before they cross across the bridge. The guys in the other cars pull over and ask him what’s wrong. The man starts crying and says, “I’ve been with my wife for 40 years and never cheated on her. I just saw her riding a skateboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b965tv/dont_know_if_this_is_a_repost_but_here_we_go/
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I'm considering stuffing my clothes with candy bars.

That way, I'll always have Twix up my sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b963ym/im_considering_stuffing_my_clothes_with_candy_bars/
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Over the years, my sexual fetishes have been getting more perverse

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b963xv/over_the_years_my_sexual_fetishes_have_been/
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Alien overlords are discussing the fate of Earth citizens.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.
"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!"
"Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all," said the second. "The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses."
Yet a third had another idea. "We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see these them".
The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive.
This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos.
The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front were they were executed in the most horrific way.
They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and haves them in obscene ways and those were executed, the rest enslaved.
They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time.
"What's that one doing," said the first alien. "He isn't shaking his fist list the others."
"It almost looks like he's waving," said the second Alien.
"Let me see," said the third Alien. "Wow! I don't believe it."
"What?" Asked the second Alien.
"It's Dave!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b962oy/alien_overlords_are_discussing_the_fate_of_earth/
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When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b961ic/when_cashing_out_at_the_grocery_store_it_was/
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Five little monkeys

jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b95z5o/five_little_monkeys/
%
It is now legal to park bovines with foot coverings in motorcycle parking spaces.

They're officially labeled as Cowasockies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b95ynp/it_is_now_legal_to_park_bovines_with_foot/
%
Our president promised to eradicate crime in, what i heard, was 3 to 6 months, during his campaign period. So it will be resolved in 27 years & 2 months?

326 months, he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b95sn7/our_president_promised_to_eradicate_crime_in_what/
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The first rule of flight club...

is to take flying lessons, also know how to read carefully.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b95oj2/the_first_rule_of_flight_club/
%
A German talk show host once asked Robin Williams why he thought there wasn't much comedy in Germany

"Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" he replied.
"No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b95o0h/a_german_talk_show_host_once_asked_robin_williams/
%
I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b95lll/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
%
What’s Hitler’s favorite letter?

Nazi, that’s for sure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b95ka8/whats_hitlers_favorite_letter/
%
What does Kanye West and the North Korean people have in common?

Both are regularly fucked by Kim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b95jk3/what_does_kanye_west_and_the_north_korean_people/
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What’s Blue and Really bad for your teeth?

A *really* fast brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b95hz6/whats_blue_and_really_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
What do you call a depressed bionic man?

A sigh borg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b95a3v/what_do_you_call_a_depressed_bionic_man/
%
My wife walked out on me after I blew out life savings on a penis extension

She said she can't take it any longer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b95979/my_wife_walked_out_on_me_after_i_blew_out_life/
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duck

Me: There are 3 black roosters on one side of the street how many legs do they have?
Friend: 6
Me: how many wigs?
Friend: 6
Me: how many eyes?
Friend: 6
Me: There are 3 white cats on the other side of the street how many eyes do they have?
Friend: 6
Me: How many ears do they have?
Friend: 6
Me: How many whiskers do they have?
Friend: I don't know.
Me: Seems like you know more about the black cock then the white pussy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b954y4/duck/
%
In Soviet Russia we're all equal...

...ly worthless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b954gy/in_soviet_russia_were_all_equal/
%
My girlfriends pregnant!

Can’t wait to be an uncle
*sweet home Alabama starts playing*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b94w3f/my_girlfriends_pregnant/
%
Do female robots have a...

Computerus?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b94tyk/do_female_robots_have_a/
%
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .
P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b94r7d/if_all_people_were_like_redditors_we_would_have_a/
%
Why do they call it a roach clip?

Because pot holder was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b94qs7/why_do_they_call_it_a_roach_clip/
%
A termite walks into a bar and asks,

“where’s the bar tender?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b94ol9/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
%
Until today, only two people knew that Michael Stype died.

That’s me and the coroner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b94lfj/until_today_only_two_people_knew_that_michael/
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What does a communist say after they rage quit a video game?

I don’t know either, but they’ll probably be uninStalin the game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b94ccw/what_does_a_communist_say_after_they_rage_quit_a/
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How to make a messed up joke even more messed up by changing the tone of a single word:

Version 1:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died after I fucked it.
Version 2:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died AFTER I fucked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b948xc/how_to_make_a_messed_up_joke_even_more_messed_up/
%
An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.
"I stopped you because you were going 75 in a 55 zone," the officer says.
The driver replies, "No sir, I was going just a little over 55."
The woman says, "Oh Stuart! You were going at least 80 and hit the brakes when you saw the cop car on the side of the road!"
The man gives his wife a dirty look.
The officer says, "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
"Broken tail light?" the man replies. "I didn't know about a broken tail light."
The woman exclaims, "Stuart! You've known about that tail light for weeks!"
The man gives his young wife another dirty look.
The officer then says, "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
The driver replies, "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
"Stuart," the pretty woman says, "you know you never wear your seat belt!"
The husband bursts out, "Shut your mouth, woman!"
The officer takes a moment, and then says, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?"
"No," she says, "Only when he's drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b94466/an_officer_pulls_over_a_man_and_a_woman_for/
%
This is the first time in 5 years of using this site I remembered that it's my cake day. Im using this post to see the little cake emoji on it. That is all. ( included joke to qualify )

A man walks into a bar. He says ow.Thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b943c5/this_is_the_first_time_in_5_years_of_using_this/
%
A cop is making a report on a bike crash

A cop is walking on the scene of a bike crash making a report:
- A hand in the field.
- A leg in the field.
- Torso in the field.
- Head on the aslhl... asplh... ashl...
He kicks the head.
- Head in the field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b93xnd/a_cop_is_making_a_report_on_a_bike_crash/
%
How are war veterans and janitors alike?

You won't believe the shit they've seen!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b93xfs/how_are_war_veterans_and_janitors_alike/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common,

It's a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b93x3p/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
Ironically, Jared Fogel both began and abruptly ended his career by simply

Trying to get into "smaller pants"..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b93wm6/ironically_jared_fogel_both_began_and_abruptly/
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My parents said I would never be a comedian.

Nobody’s laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b93skk/my_parents_said_i_would_never_be_a_comedian/
%
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b93pqr/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
What do you feed a gay horse?

Haaaaaaaaayyyy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b93kj4/what_do_you_feed_a_gay_horse/
%
I was trying to figure out how to pronounce Peter Buttigieg’s name.

Then I was told it rhymes with “Heater.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b93g73/i_was_trying_to_figure_out_how_to_pronounce_peter/
%
What game do unvaccinated kids play?

Marco Polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b93fqw/what_game_do_unvaccinated_kids_play/
%
Countries take on attributes of their ruler

For example, there's a king on every kingdom, an emperor rules an empire, and Theresa May is causing mayhem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b93ec8/countries_take_on_attributes_of_their_ruler/
%
It tunes and scoops?

What do you call a tool that both tunes and scoops?
A tuning spork!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b939oy/it_tunes_and_scoops/
%
Seen written on a stall in a men's bathroom:

"My wife follows me everywhere."
Written just below it:
"I do not"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b936lr/seen_written_on_a_stall_in_a_mens_bathroom/
%
Went to a gender reveal and everyone started screaming at me

I didn’t know we were revealing the gender of the baby so I put my clothes back on and went home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9313j/went_to_a_gender_reveal_and_everyone_started/
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IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

Is George Straight?
Is Marvin Gay?
Is Rebecca Black?
Is Barry White?
Sure makes Stevie Wonder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b930gi/important_questions/
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I found this short, thin stick covered with flammable chemical at one end.

I rubbed it firmly against a rough surface. Suddenly I felt completeness and purpose in life. All the negative feelings such as bitterness and hate melted away. I started to see divine beauty around me and I was able to forgive everything. My mind was still. As I looked around me, I noticed there was no more fighting, envy, war or greed. Peace at last! Love conquered the world.
What I found was...a match made in heaven.
(OC)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b92xpn/i_found_this_short_thin_stick_covered_with/
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Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?

It’s Eeleagle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b92iag/why_cant_you_breed_a_eel_with_and_eagle/
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I told my wife to hurry up and get off of her period.

So she can get on my exclamation mark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b92ea4/i_told_my_wife_to_hurry_up_and_get_off_of_her/
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I’m trying to stop being such a perfectionist

I’ve been working on it for ages now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b92an2/im_trying_to_stop_being_such_a_perfectionist/
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What do you call a racist Redwood joke

Bigotree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b929i6/what_do_you_call_a_racist_redwood_joke/
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Another Blonde Joke

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and caught the sight of a great bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman, who was standing nearby. “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. With this information in mind, she hurried back home and dyed her hair, then rushed back and once again declared to the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. “Darn, he recognized me,” she thought, surprised at his perspicacity.
She decided to adopt a thorough disguise this time, complete with a haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, and then waited for a few days before she once again approached the salesman at the appliance store. “I would like to buy this TV,” she said. “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. Completely frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?” “Because that, ma'am, is a microwave. ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b92936/another_blonde_joke/
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The Knob

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned  to  tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.   After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said,  "Well, no point asking about the beard then..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b927de/the_knob/
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3 Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.' The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, ' he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9245r/3_brothers/
%
How do you get stoned with no weed?

Be gay in Brunei

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b91z5a/how_do_you_get_stoned_with_no_weed/
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I still remember my grandfathers last words before he kicked the bucket

"how far do you think I can kick this bucket"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b91hew/i_still_remember_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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I was taking a crap in the office restroom when the power went out

In pitch black darkness, I proceeded to wipe, wash my hands, and returned to my station, just in time for power to come back.
Upon arriving, I asked my workmate in the next cubicle "Do you know how a blind man in the crapper knows when he's done wiping?"
"No"
"Me neither"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b91grc/i_was_taking_a_crap_in_the_office_restroom_when/
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Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.
"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"
"Anything to get me back in the saddle," says the man, depressed. "My life ain't the same no more."
"I just have to warn you," says the doctor, "this drug is EXTREMELY powerful. If you feel you're getting out of control, you MUST dip your penis and testicles in some ice water or you risk dire consequences!"
So the man shakes the doc's hand, gets home, and before going into the house, swallows one of the small, yellow pills. Suddenly, his pupils dilate, his throat tightens, his breath becomes more shallow, his muscles bulge, his ballsack thunders, and his penis gets harder than diamond nano-coating. He MUST find something to soothe his lust! Out of his mind, he kicks the front door down.
His wife, who was watching TV, barely has time to look up before she gets ravished by the crazy horny bastard. Unconscious and drooling, the wife slides off the couch to the floor, while the husband, still not satisfied, jumps the housekeeper and does her in too.
The wife's sister, who had witnessed this, tries to run, but to no avail. She, too, is a victim to the lustful maniac.
The neighbor, the dog, the cat, the neighbor's husband, the neighbor's cat, the mailman, they fall one by one like dominoes to the lustful frenzy of the man.
Finally sensing he's really out of control, the man runs to the fridge to get some ice cold water, but all he can find is a bowl of cold milk. He sinks his dick in the bowl and sighs with relief.
The housekeeper, who was limping past the door, sees him, stops abruptly --eyes wide with fear -- and screams: "EVERYONE GET THE HELL OUT! HE'S RELOADING!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b91f5t/old_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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when vanna white dies...

do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b91bcj/when_vanna_white_dies/
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How much space will there be in the EU after Brexit?

1 GB﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b91anz/how_much_space_will_there_be_in_the_eu_after/
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Smoking cigarettes isn't completely bad for you,

Just think, for every cigarette you smoke it takes 7 minutes off your student loans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9182k/smoking_cigarettes_isnt_completely_bad_for_you/
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A man walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender what special drinks he has.  The bartender said I have a new drink called Russian collusion.  The man says that sounds great.
The bartender hands him an empty glass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b913xi/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.

The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!”
The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles.
The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is showered in delicious meat.
The third dinosaur, not to be outdone by the other two says “I want a meatier shower!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b912x4/three_dinosaurs_find_a_magic_lamp_with_a_genie/
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What do you say to make a car concentrate?

Ford, focus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b912eh/what_do_you_say_to_make_a_car_concentrate/
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Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

A. Your spine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b90zef/q_what_human_body_part_is_long_hard_bendable_and/
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What do you get when you cross a lion with a flamingo?

A visit from an ethics committee and your funding revoked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b90vz2/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_lion_with_a/
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If I made a movie about the Alamo

I would call it “Cowboys vs. Aliens”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b90rx0/if_i_made_a_movie_about_the_alamo/
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A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, “There IS a solution!”, and then burns to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b90q4r/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_mathematician_are/
%
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b90orb/a_beautiful_woman_went_up_to_the_bar_in_a_quiet/
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A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says

"Make me one with everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b90kd6/a_buddhist_walks_up_to_a_hotdog_stand_and_says/
%
if i were a runway model...

my signature move would be to get to the end of the runway, then pat my pockets and look puzzled like i forget something, so i would have a plausible excuse to turn around and walk right back where i had just come from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b90gkh/if_i_were_a_runway_model/
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Two prawns, Steve and Christian are hanging out when they meet a magic Cod.

The Magic Cod grants them each a wish.
Christian wishes for a lovely big prawn house. Poof! He has a lovely big prawn house.
Steve wishes to become a shark so nobody would mess with him anymore. Poof! Steve's a shark.
Over the coming weeks the two grow apart, Steve's getting sharkier and sharkier and this doesn't sit right with Christian. Eventually the two fall out.
Steve gets lonely and goes to Christian's house, but Christian won't let him in. Steve gets sad and goes to find the Magic Cod and begs for another wish, the Magic Cod grants the wish and he is again, a prawn.
He runs over to Christian's House screaming "Let me in! Let me in! I found the Cod I'm a prawn again Christian!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9073e/two_prawns_steve_and_christian_are_hanging_out/
%
A poor man and a rich man are talking...

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b9044k/a_poor_man_and_a_rich_man_are_talking/
%
"Hello, 911?"

"Yes, what is your emergency?"
"There are two girls fighting over me"
"So what's the emergency?"
"The ugly one's too strong"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b90262/hello_911/
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What do you call a SWAT Team of Alligators?

Gator-Raid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8zxis/what_do_you_call_a_swat_team_of_alligators/
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I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag.   The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office.  I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting  furniture.  My nightmare continues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8zxac/i_go_to_the_doctor_and_he_asks_for_a_stool_sample/
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What’s the worst part about sitting in traffic?

Getting run over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8zvzw/whats_the_worst_part_about_sitting_in_traffic/
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What do you call a monster that eats memories

I forgot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8zvqv/what_do_you_call_a_monster_that_eats_memories/
%
A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8zt0m/a_daughter_asked_her_mother_mom_how_do_you_spell/
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What do you call young avocados?

Avokiddos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8zsxz/what_do_you_call_young_avocados/
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Why do women always have sex with the lights off?

Because they never like to see a man having a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8zqi1/why_do_women_always_have_sex_with_the_lights_off/
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A farmer spends $7,000 on a young registered Black Angus bull to mate with his cows.

He puts the bull out with the herd, but the animal just eats grass. He won’t even look at the cows. The farmer feels cheated, so he brings in the local vet to check out the bull. The bull is very healthy, the vet explains, but possibly just a little young. So he gives the farmer pills to feed the bull once per day. It will help with his urge to mate. After a few days, the bull starts to service a few cows, and within a week, every cow on the farm. The bull even breaks through the fence and breeds with all of the neighbor’s cows. He turns into a mating machine. A friend of the farmer asks exactly what the vet gave the bull to cause such a drastic change.
“I don’t know exactly what was in those pills,” the farmer says.
“All I can tell you is they work and they taste like peppermint.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8zpb2/a_farmer_spends_7000_on_a_young_registered_black/
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Two girls and a boy are playing doctors and nurses behind the shed one day.

The little boy suddenly drops his pants and shows them his penis. One girl screams and runs away, the other rolls her eyes and proudly scoffs, "Pfft, that's nothing. My daddy's got two of those." "What?!" says the boy, "Two?!" "Yeah two," replies the girl, "One for going pee pee and another for cleaning the nanny's teeth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8zo9q/two_girls_and_a_boy_are_playing_doctors_and/
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What is mark zuckerbergs favorite videogame

Detroit become human

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8zimn/what_is_mark_zuckerbergs_favorite_videogame/
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What does the mafia have in common with a pussy?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8zgkw/what_does_the_mafia_have_in_common_with_a_pussy/
%
Energizer bunny arrested

Was charged with battery!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8zamh/energizer_bunny_arrested/
%
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”
“Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8z99m/after_a_preacher_died_and_went_to_heaven_he/
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How does a panda rob a restaurant?

Eats chutes and leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8z81p/how_does_a_panda_rob_a_restaurant/
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It's not easy educating kids in the capital of Connecticut.

I've got it bad, got it bad, got it bad; I'm a Hartford teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8z5l8/its_not_easy_educating_kids_in_the_capital_of/
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God told Eve

-You shall pay your sin with blood
Eve asked
-May I pay it in installments?
And God created the menstruation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8z4jv/god_told_eve/
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You should never make fun of a a fat person with a lisp.

They’re probably thick and tired of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8z2jy/you_should_never_make_fun_of_a_a_fat_person_with/
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8yzxr/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
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What’s the Pokemon Sableye’s birth sign?

Gem-in-eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8yybs/whats_the_pokemon_sableyes_birth_sign/
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What do you call an Indian food delivery service?

A Curryer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ysub/what_do_you_call_an_indian_food_delivery_service/
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i dont trust elevators

there always up to something .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ysh5/i_dont_trust_elevators/
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What sound does a 747 make when it hits the ground?

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8yo4h/what_sound_does_a_747_make_when_it_hits_the_ground/
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During Christmas time, a little kid runs to the kitchen and screams:

"Mom! The Christmas tree is burning!"
The mother replies: "You don't say it's burning, you say it's shining."
After few minutes the little kid returns and screams:
"Now the curtain is shining, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ykyv/during_christmas_time_a_little_kid_runs_to_the/
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My buddy doesn’t curse....

Stephen: “Son of a biscuit!”
Me: “I didn’t know biscuits had children.”
Stephen: “Sometimes I guess.”
Me: “How does that work?”
Stephen: “They’re bread.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8yknu/my_buddy_doesnt_curse/
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There are 500 bricks on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

.
499.
How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
Open door. Insert elephant. Close door.
How do you put a giraffe into a fridge?
Open door. Remove elephant. Insert giraffe. Close door.
The lion king is having a birthday party. Two animals are missing. Who are they?
The giraffe is missing because he is stuck in the fridge and the alligator is missing because he was hit on the head with a falling brick.
(Idk if this has been posted before. I saw something on r/antijoke that reminded me of this one. If this is a repost, give me a link to the original and I will add it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8yipx/there_are_500_bricks_on_a_plane_1_falls_off_how/
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Which letters of the alphabet are wet?

H to O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8yg3g/which_letters_of_the_alphabet_are_wet/
%
Guy takes his girlfriend to the prom....

So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom. And he's got a lot of work to do.
First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store. But there's a huge tuxedo line at the store. Finally he gets out of there and realizes he has to go buy a corsage, so he goes to a florist. But there's this big long corsage line at the florist. Finally he gets the corsage and has his tux and he's gotta go rent a limo. But there's this huge line when he gets to the limo place.
Finally after waiting and making all the arrangements, it's the night of the prom. He picks her up and takes her down there to get in, but there's this huge ticket line at the door. Finally they get in and they start dancing and having fun, and she says to him, "I'm hungry," so he goes to get her some food, but there's this huge buffet line. He gets her some food and they eat and they're dancing again and she says, "Now I'm thirsty, can you get me a drink?" So he goes to get her a drink and there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8y9b6/guy_takes_his_girlfriend_to_the_prom/
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I’d like to eat that full of ice cream - NSFW

A lady goes into a shoe store to buy some new shoes. The salesman helping her after she picks out a pair she likes, kneels down in front of her chair to put them on her feet.
He looks up and and notices she isn’t wearing any panties under her skirt. He says to her “ma’am that’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, I’d like to eat that full of ice cream.”
Insulted, she says “you no good bastard, I can’t believe you would say something like that. I’m going to tell my husband and he’s going to come down here and whip your ass.”
The lady storms out of the store. When her husband gets home she tells him what happened.
“ Honey, I went to the shoe store today and the salesman was helping me try on shoes. He looked up my skirt and saw I didn’t have underwear on and said he wanted to eat my pussy full of ice cream. I want you to go down there and set him straight for talking to me like that.”
He tells her “ Sweetheart, I would do anything for you, but anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I’m not fucking with them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8y7bl/id_like_to_eat_that_full_of_ice_cream_nsfw/
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Trying to date me is like dating a circle.

It’s pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8y766/trying_to_date_me_is_like_dating_a_circle/
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Anti-vaxxers won't get this

A high school diploma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8y145/antivaxxers_wont_get_this/
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QUITTING COFFEE

I'm trying to quit because I found out they're using caffeine as an insecticide now. They're spraying it over the crops in Texas to kill the bugs. I said, 'I'm putting that in my body every day?' Just to prove I'm wrong, the other night in my apartment, I took a cup of coffee, poured it all along the floorboards of my kitchen. Not only did it leave the roaches alive, they kept me up all night talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xzsj/quitting_coffee/
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5:06 AM - I find a dead body on the corner of Main St. and Park Ave. and notify a CSI unit.

5:06 AM - The CSI unit arrives.
5:06 AM - The CSI unit starts collecting samples at the crime scene.
5:06 AM - I notice my watch has stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xvsr/506_am_i_find_a_dead_body_on_the_corner_of_main/
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Getting a coffee without a sleeve is like having sex without a condom.

You're likely to get burned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xvoq/getting_a_coffee_without_a_sleeve_is_like_having/
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There are only 25 letters in the alphabet.

I don't know why!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xvdt/there_are_only_25_letters_in_the_alphabet/
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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.
The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.
It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith catches commands the attention of everyone in the bar.
He marched toward the bar and grunts 'your strongest draft, now, and your cheapest whiskey chaser'
Eager to assert dominance, he necks four pints and chasers alike,
Halfway through his fifth pint, the room once again falls silent, all eyes turn to the door of the bar, and in the haze of the cigarette smoke and the stale stench of piss and beer stands a short piece of pink tarmac.
The pink piece of tarmac stands about 3ft tall, skinny and looks worn down.
The pink piece of tarmac storms towards the black piece of tarmac and bellows 'YOU'RE IN MY FACKIN SPOT NOW I SUGGEST YOU FACK OFF BEFORE I LAY YOU OUT'
The black piece of tarmac, visibly shits himself, lowers his pint from his lips, and stutters 'alright m-mate s-sorry I didn't realise, here you go, I'll leave you be'
The black piece of tarmac heads to a booth in a  empty corner of the bar, and drowns his sorrows with more bitter.
The pink piece of tarmac sits smug upon his stool occasionally looking down on the black piece of tarmac in his corner of shame.
At the end of the night barman collects the empty glasses from the corner of the room and asks 'you alright mate?' to which the black piece of tarmac replies "not really mate, I didn't mean to cause any trouble, I've had a shit day and I just wanted a pint or two"
The barman reassures him and says...
'Don't sorry about him mate.. he's a cycle-path'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xvbt/a_black_piece_of_tarmac_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife accidentally hit a wall with her elbow and said “Ow! That was my not-funny bone!”

I disagreed. It was humerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xsjl/my_wife_accidentally_hit_a_wall_with_her_elbow/
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A bar is testing out an innovative new exchange system.

The bar owner has noticed a relatively major problem in her area-
people come in to drink, and when they are ready to head out, they feel obligated to finish the drink they paid for. This little bit is enough to push many patrons past their limit and the bar owner wants to do something to encourage responsible drinking.
The owner decides that she is going to introduce an exchange system. She decides that any patron of her bar will be able to leave an unfinished drink at a designated spot on the counter, and if they can currently spare it, they will give the customer a free small food item in place of the unfinished drink.
They test out the system at the bar, and overall it's a resounding success! The one issue that is brought up is that people want to be able to choose their food items rather than having the bar choose for them. The bar owner decides to address this by giving her bartenders authority over deciding if someone can request a certain item or not, and that it can depend on how much is left in their drink so that the system does not get taken advantage of.
Around that time, a group of friends is visiting the bar. They are having a great time, drinking, laughing, and even doing a little bit of singing.
The time comes for the group to head out, and one of the members has a bit of whiskey left in his glass. He knows that if he finishes that last bit, he's going to regret it in the morning. He gets ready to just leave it on the table and head out when one of his friends stops him and tells him about the exchange system.
The bar is known to have the most amazing fried onion around. Though small, it's perfectly dark golden brown with a glistening thick texture that breaks perfectly into your mouth with a satisfying crispness on each bite.
The man decides he is going to request that fried onion in exchange for what is left in his glass. It's not a lot of whiskey, but it's at least a few sips worth.
The group watches as he walks up to the bar and leaves his glass at the designated spot on the counter for exchanges. They watch as the bartender on duty walks over and begins a conversation. They can immediately tell by the body language it's not going as planned. The conversation ends as the man tries to find out just how much whiskey he would have needed to be able to obtain that amazing fried onion.
He returns to his group empty-handed to inform them of the result.
"Well," he says to his friends with a sigh,
"It was worth a shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xpbl/a_bar_is_testing_out_an_innovative_new_exchange/
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a fish?

Swimming trunks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xmrs/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_an_elephant_and_a/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.
The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.
He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."
There is dead silence in the bar, when suddenly a hand goes up in the back. A blond girl comes forward and says, "I'll give it a shot, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xkp0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."
*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "
*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"
*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"
*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."
*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose interest."
*Chef*: "Do you like it hot and spicy?"
*Police*: "You don't need protection."
*Army Personnel*: "Load. Aim. Fire."
*Swimming Instructor*: "Go deeper."
*Gym Trainer*: "Push harder".
*lnterior Decorator*: "Once it's done, you will love it."
*Telephone Guy* : "Would you like it on the table or against the wall!!
*Tailor*: "Can I make it two more inches longer?"
*Badminton Coach* : "Hold the cock straight"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xild/when_you_become_a_professional_in_a_field_yet/
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Pages have been ripped out of the dictionary at the public library

Authorities are at a loss for words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xh5l/pages_have_been_ripped_out_of_the_dictionary_at/
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A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town.

A bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum replied, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xgu9/a_man_was_walking_through_a_rather_seedy_section/
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A guy talks with his friend about his marriage.

Guy: "It's getting bad these days, my wife spends her evenings going around the bars of the city."
Friend: "Is she an alcoholic?"
Guy: “No, she's looking for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xdn9/a_guy_talks_with_his_friend_about_his_marriage/
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The only white man that can say the N word is

An albino black man
First time posting, be gentle...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xd57/the_only_white_man_that_can_say_the_n_word_is/
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They came in a pack, he thought he could take them but he bit off more than he could chew.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xci2/they_came_in_a_pack_he_thought_he_could_take_them/
%
If Shakespeare was a doctor

TB or not TB...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xbxr/if_shakespeare_was_a_doctor/
%
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning...

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xbw6/a_german_tourist_jumped_in_the_freezing_water_to/
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Did you hear about the man who froze himself to absolute zero?

He is 0K now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xb7i/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_froze_himself_to/
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you know happened after I nuked china?

I Burned myself on the plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8xasp/you_know_happened_after_i_nuked_china/
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A husband takes the wife to a night club.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"
The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8x9xr/a_husband_takes_the_wife_to_a_night_club/
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Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8x9bb/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
%
Why is gaston the smartest disney character?

He won a no-belle prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8x98f/why_is_gaston_the_smartest_disney_character/
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Dad how much does it cost to get married?

I don’t know son! I’m still paying.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8wxy2/dad_how_much_does_it_cost_to_get_married/
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A man has been driving for 600 miles straight with no stop.

He’s a truck driver so he is delivering a product to a store. So he stops at a whore house and slams $700 dollars on the table and says to the owner, “Give me your ugliest bitch.” The owner is confused and asks “with this money you get the most beautiful women ever! Why chose the ugliest?” The man replies, “Oh, I’m just a little home sick that’s all.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8wtm1/a_man_has_been_driving_for_600_miles_straight/
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[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?
Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8wmmg/at_the_scene_of_the_murder_cop_1_this_seems/
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I lost my tv controller somewhere

It's in some remote location

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8wl1b/i_lost_my_tv_controller_somewhere/
%
In a bookshop today, I asked a busy female assistant where the section on clitoral stimulation was.

Despite her best efforts, I couldn't find it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8wjgr/in_a_bookshop_today_i_asked_a_busy_female/
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What do you call an eternal Bob Ross?

Ourobobross

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8wja5/what_do_you_call_an_eternal_bob_ross/
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There are two types of people in the world.

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8wdx7/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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Who would have Jay-Z married if he was a sailor?

Buoyancy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8w2lp/who_would_have_jayz_married_if_he_was_a_sailor/
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In the USA you can bear arms

In mother Russia we arm bears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8w2ku/in_the_usa_you_can_bear_arms/
%
For women, waiting for sex is a lot like waiting for snow

They don't know how many inches is there gonna be, they don't know how long it will last, but they know it's gonna be slippery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8vyey/for_women_waiting_for_sex_is_a_lot_like_waiting/
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My friend, who's a shirt designer said he makes shirts in 45 seconds.

But I knew he was fabricating lies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8vuug/my_friend_whos_a_shirt_designer_said_he_makes/
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Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8vtvj/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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I was at the grocery store deciding if I should buy a $40 jug of whey protein

So I asked my friend, to which he replied:"Just btw"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8vltu/i_was_at_the_grocery_store_deciding_if_i_should/
%
Every time I toss five coins, they would come up on the same face.

Must be a coin-cidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8vl73/every_time_i_toss_five_coins_they_would_come_up/
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WALRUSES AND THEIR TUPPERWARE

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8vk4r/walruses_and_their_tupperware/
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What does the antisocial, know-it-all frog say?

Reddit Reddit Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8vge7/what_does_the_antisocial_knowitall_frog_say/
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Having a mahogany breast would be really strange...

Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8vbf5/having_a_mahogany_breast_would_be_really_strange/
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Having prositutes do your taxes after sex

is an efficient use of the entire hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8vafa/having_prositutes_do_your_taxes_after_sex/
%
Skyrim is a lot like sex

The first time is amazing
The second time is nearly as good
But by the hundredth time you've tried everything and the only way you can have fun anymore is to modify the hell out of it and get really really into roleplaying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8uz87/skyrim_is_a_lot_like_sex/
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe....

Robertoe.
Courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8uwp2/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
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Devil's Challenge

I haven't heard this one in ages but it's been a favorite of mine for many many years....
Three men are walking through the desert.  As they're traveling along, a giant hole randomly appears and swallows them up.
They fall for what seems like ages.  And abruptly land completely unharmed.  They look around and find they're in hell.  And the devil sits before them smiling.
Devil: Fear not.  You all appear to know where you are and who I am.  However...  I offer you a chance to leave this place unharmed.  Name anything that you believe I can't do, and if you are correct, you are free to go.  However...  If you are wrong...  I WILL EAT YOU!
The three men are terrified.  Two of the men start talking about what they could challenge the Devil with, while the third, relaxes himself.  Sits on a stone.  And begins to ponder.
One of the two that were discussing ideas seems to be sure of himself.  Straightens with courage and looks Satan square in the eye.
"Alright Devil...  How about you stop a speeding train right in it's tracks."
Devil: Very well.
The Devil does it.  Picks up the man and swallows him whole.
The other guy who was talking about ideas is stunned.  But he too straightens up and pitches his best idea.
"Alright Devil.  I see you can stop a speeding train.  But how about you pick up the Eiffel Tower!"
Devil:. Consider it done.
Devil does it.  Grabs the second man and swallows him whole.
The third man has been watching this all transpire.  Still, he sits in his stone calmly.
After some time the Devil loses his patience.
Devil: The time is now.  State your challenge or i will eat you anyway.
The last man holds his finger up...
Scrunches up his face...
And let's loose the most horrendous fart ever seen, heard, or smelled.
Last Man: Catch that and paint it green.
The Devil let's him go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8uulm/devils_challenge/
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A GRASSHOPPER WALKS INTO A BAR.

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8usie/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
%
At a mental institution, they decide to build a fence around the building

The workers decide to paint the fence red.
The next day, the fence is gone. All of the patients were sitting outside, on the grass with their hands patting their bellies.
After that incident, the workers build another fence, this time painting it yellow.
The next day same thing happens. All of the patients are sitting on the ground with their hands patting their bellies, yellow paint on their mouths.
The workers decide to build a fence again, this time painting it green.
The next day, all of the patients are sitting next to the fence staring at the fence intensely.
"What are you doing?" a medic asks the patients
"We're waiting for it to ripen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8up1t/at_a_mental_institution_they_decide_to_build_a/
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I need help with my crossword question 2 across

Name something Jesus was nailed to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8uowp/i_need_help_with_my_crossword_question_2_across/
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What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded

I can Nazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8uoqb/what_did_hitler_say_when_he_was_blindfolded/
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How much is a bottled water?

*Le* quid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8uljm/how_much_is_a_bottled_water/
%
Two neighbors are talking

One of them is just a simple worker,lives on the second floor, and has been married for 3 years, and has 4 kids.
The other is a cop,lives on the first floor. and has been married for 11 years with no kids.
The cop asks the worker:
"How come you've only been married for 3 years, but already have 4 kids? My wife and I have been married for so long, but we haven't been able to have a kid. Can you give me some advice?"
"It's simple, really, you only need soap and a broom"
"Only that? Ok, go on..."
"Tonight, when you come home from work, take your wife to the shower and wash her with the soap from head to toe"
"Alright, I got it. But what's the broom for?"
"Well" the worker says, "When you're done washing her take the broom and start banging the ceiling with it, I'll be down in a minute or so..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ucml/two_neighbors_are_talking/
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[NSFW] We all know that a butt dial...

...ought to be synonymous with a booty call. But when a man calls a woman, does that make it a cock ring?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ucks/nsfw_we_all_know_that_a_butt_dial/
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My wife is really worried about having to meet new people on our upcoming cruise.

I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ucce/my_wife_is_really_worried_about_having_to_meet/
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What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8u9if/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
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Two men are watching the news

, when they start talking about a suicidal woman on top of a building, about to jump.
One of the men tells the other.
"I bet you 50 dollars she won't jump."
The other man thinks for a second, then accepts the bet.
But, the suicidal woman on the news eventually does jump. So the man starts looking for his wallet, to pay his friend his 50 dollars.
"Wait, actually, don't give me the money. I have a confession. I watched the news earlier today, I knew the woman was going to jump."
"Well, I watched them earlier today too, but I didn't think she was going to jump a second time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8u7ru/two_men_are_watching_the_news/
%
Have I told you this Alzheimer's joke?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8u70m/have_i_told_you_this_alzheimers_joke/
%
A man walks in a bar and orders a beer to drink...

Everyone looked at him like he was crazy for talking to an inanimate object.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8u5pk/a_man_walks_in_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer_to_drink/
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cops are like a box of chocolates...

they'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8u5m3/cops_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Did you hear about the musical about a dictionary?

It's a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8u59x/did_you_hear_about_the_musical_about_a_dictionary/
%
Why do prisoners never have sex?

Because they're in cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8u4w4/why_do_prisoners_never_have_sex/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his partner.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"If there are millions of stars it’s likely that at least a thousands of those have planets, and if so many planets exist, it’s likely there’s life in another planet.
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a moment, then said: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen this joke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8u0n9/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_decide_to_go_on_a/
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What do you call a small dog from Japan?

A konnichihuahua.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8tpbj/what_do_you_call_a_small_dog_from_japan/
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Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you put me up for the night?”
“Of course”, said the old man with a slight bow. “Come on inside”. “BUT! On one condition. You will not lay a finger on my precious daughter. For if you do, I will inflict on you the three worst Chinese tortures know to man”.
Thinking about how old the man was, his daughter couldn’t be a spring chicken herself, so he accepted the old mans terms and was welcomed inside. When dinner was served, a young, beautiful woman walked down the stairs. ‘This was his daughter’, he thought. Oh boy, he was in trouble. Furthermore, her eyes were locked on him, flirting the entire night. After a long evening of her flirtatious wiles, he snuck into her room late at night, and they made quiet, passionate love. Afterwards, he sneaks back into the guest room in the attic and goes to sleep thinking he got away with it.
The next morning, he wakes up to a pressure on his chest, and sees a large rock on top of him with a note taped to it.
“Chinese torture #1”, the note said. “Large rock placed on chest”.
“Really?” He thought. “Was this the best the old man could do?”
He heaves the rock off of him, carried it to the window and tossed it out to roll down the hill. Once he does he notices a second note taped to the wall. “Chinese torture #2. Rock tied to left testicle”. In horror, he looks down to see a thin rope leading out his left pant leg. The rope was rapidly running out the window. In a split second decision, he jumped out the window. Rather he break a bone then being castrated. When he crashed through the window pane he saw a large note dug into the ground.
“Chinese torture #3. Right testicle tied to bed post”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8tni5/three_chinese_tortures/
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A guy once said to his friend, “Planes can be submarines, yet submarines cannot be planes.”

His friend replied, “Well not with that altitude they can’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8tm5f/a_guy_once_said_to_his_friend_planes_can_be/
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Me: I've finally conquered my fear of ghosts

Therapist: That's the spirit
Me: Oh fuck where?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8tg36/me_ive_finally_conquered_my_fear_of_ghosts/
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How many ears does Picard have?

Three. A right ear. A left ear. And a final front ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8tg05/how_many_ears_does_picard_have/
%
Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.
I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."
They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"
"It was an everything bagel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8t91t/got_called_in_for_a_drug_test_at_work/
%
My girlfriend thinks I have schizophrenia

Which is funny, because I don't have a girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8t7db/my_girlfriend_thinks_i_have_schizophrenia/
%
An interesting title

Me [trying to keep the conversation going] : so, what do you do for a living??
Barber [slowly stops cutting my hair] : ....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8t65t/an_interesting_title/
%
What did Rihanna say to her Grandmother with Alzheimer's?

Oh nana, What's my name?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8t5v2/what_did_rihanna_say_to_her_grandmother_with/
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Three friends married women from different parts of the US.

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from South Carolina. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Vermont. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8sw0g/three_friends_married_women_from_different_parts/
%
What did medieval postmen wear?

Chain mail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8svpc/what_did_medieval_postmen_wear/
%
A donut a day...

...keeps the doctor well paid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8src9/a_donut_a_day/
%
What did the zero say to the 8?

Nice belt.
Surely you've heard that before but what did the three say to the eight?
Oh, get a room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8so8w/what_did_the_zero_say_to_the_8/
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So Donald Trump was discussing domestic policy with Mike Pence

Donald Trump- *The more walls we build, the less Mexicans will come here.*
Mike Pence- *The “fewer.”*
Donald Trump- *I thought we agreed to not call me that in public yet.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8sl38/so_donald_trump_was_discussing_domestic_policy/
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How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to hold the penis.. I MEAN LADDER! LADDER!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8skno/how_many_freudian_psychologists_does_it_take_to/
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I found a ton of old porn DVDs in my basement that must have been there for years.

As I looked through them, all I kept thinking to myself was, “Damn, some of these girls are teenagers now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8sajf/i_found_a_ton_of_old_porn_dvds_in_my_basement/
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"Timmy, what's 119+1?" Asked the teacher.

"5!" Yelled Timmy.
"Yes Timmy, that is correct."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8sac9/timmy_whats_1191_asked_the_teacher/
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A guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano

This guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a 12 inch pianist.
He sets the tiny piano down at the bar, and the tiny pianist starts playing up a storm. The bartender looks at the man and says, "That's amazing, where did you get that?" The man replies, "There's a genie outside your bar that will grant you one wish."
The bartender runs outside and sure enough there is a genie. Without hesitation the bartender says "Genie, I wish for a million bucks!" The genie snaps his fingers and disappears. Instantly, a million ducks fly overhead.
The bartender walks back inside and says, "Hey man, I think there's something wrong with that genie. I asked for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."
The man says, "You're telling me. You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"﻿
Not mine.  Found it on a Simpsons Youtube comment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8s839/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_out_a_tiny_piano/
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What's the difference between Trump and a flying pig?

The letter F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8s6wu/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_a_flying/
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My hot ex from high school messaged me saying she’ll be in town for a day, but it just so happens to be on my fathers birthday.

So now I have to choose between the person I lost my virginity to, or my ex-girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8rxmz/my_hot_ex_from_high_school_messaged_me_saying/
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I invested into crypto currencies last year and can't stop checking the computer screen.

It's refreshing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8rrpc/i_invested_into_crypto_currencies_last_year_and/
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An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
The antivaxer thinks and says, “I know there must be reasons, beyond our understanding, why evil is allowed to exist. But why on Earth do you allow the evil, corrupt system of vaccines to exist?!”
God shakes His head, patiently. “My child,” He says, “It is not evil to be mistaken. Which is to your benefit, because in this case, the mistake is yours. Just as so many people have tried to tell you over the years, vaccines are effective and far safer than the diseases they protect against. I give you My Word on that. Now, return, with My Peace upon you.” Suddenly, the antivaxer is staring up at the ceiling of an operating room, as his heart starts beating on its own once more.
By the time he's able to receive visitors, the man is desperate to talk to his antivax friends, to let them know the vital truth he brought back from the other side. He calls them all and insisted that they be there at his side the very minute he's cleared to see anyone - he has huge, huge, HUGE news for them.
Finally, his friends are gathered around him, and he motions for them to gather close. “It turns out,” he starts, “the conspiracy goes a LOT higher up than we thought…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8rr2g/an_antivaxer_has_a_heart_attack_hes_rushed_to_er/
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Sometimes self-care means cutting out toxic people.

If you ever met my conjoined twin, Your Honor, I think you'd understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8rpxx/sometimes_selfcare_means_cutting_out_toxic_people/
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I just got my degree in skydiving

I had to drop out to graduate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8rocs/i_just_got_my_degree_in_skydiving/
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My friend said “you can’t take the square-root of a negative.”

She said I couldn’t..... but i can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8rh39/my_friend_said_you_cant_take_the_squareroot_of_a/
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A husband asked his wife “Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?”

She replied “I don’t like calling you at work.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8r8la/a_husband_asked_his_wife_why_dont_you_tell_me/
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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.
When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto had ever met. Big Joel helped him through his day, showing him where to eat, shower, and work out. Myto woke up every morning and had a Chocolate Brownie for breakfast. The only brownies the prison sold were from a strange company called Dria.
Every night, however, Myto noticed something. The power always went out at exactly 9 PM. Being an electrical engineer, Myto decided to find out why this was the case. He asked his bunkmate, Big Joel why this happened. Big Joel shook his head and sighed. “Don’t know why it’s got to be this way. It just do. Power goes out every night at 9.” Myto was perplexed. He resolved to fix this issue using all his electrical engineering prowess. He realized that by using the strange brownies made by Dria, he could make a con brownie. He hid a very powerful battery that he stole from the guards and hooked it up to the wires of his cell. To his delight, the cell lit up!
Of course, this didn’t sit well with the other prisoners. Why was Myto and Big Joel’s cell lighting up even after nine PM? One of the prisoners came up to Big Joel and asked him how the hell their cell was still lighting up. Big Joel promptly replied:
Well, everyone knows Myto’s con Dria is the powerhouse of the cell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8r67p/an_electrical_engineer_is_wrongly_accused_of_a/
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My brother has decided to identify as thin.

He's translender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8r3sb/my_brother_has_decided_to_identify_as_thin/
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Went to my therapist last week and informed him I had suicidal tendencies....

He told me I needed to start paying in advance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8r36w/went_to_my_therapist_last_week_and_informed_him_i/
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How do hedgehogs have sex?

Very carefully

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qygs/how_do_hedgehogs_have_sex/
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Two types of A.C. units are sitting at a bar.

One takes a swig and looks at the other, saying "You know, I'm the most efficient and well-known  air conditioning unit there is. I can cool a room in seconds..!" He chuckles to himself. The other looks at him smiling, saying "Yes, I was aware. I'm a fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qwm5/two_types_of_ac_units_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
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A flat-earther's greatest fear is...

Sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qvx9/a_flatearthers_greatest_fear_is/
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Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qvgi/lawyers_should_never_ask_a_georgia_grandma_a/
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I went to a therapist and told him I was having wife trouble...

He immediately noticed that I didn’t have a wedding ring and he said “Sir your not even married.” And then I said “That’s why I am having wife troubles!” And started crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qved/i_went_to_a_therapist_and_told_him_i_was_having/
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3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the window. Hopeful that they have found someone who can help, they approach the door and give a nice knock knock knock.
A burly old farmer opens the door, "Well now, I wasn't expecting any company this evening, how can I help you boys?"
The first man responds, "Sir we've been lost in the woods for almost 3 days with no food and no water. Is there anything you can do to help us out?"
The farmer invites the boys in and has them sit at the table. He says, "I tell you what, I'll get you some of the best food you've ever had and plenty of beer, but I need you to do one thing for me. My daughter's upstairs and it's been quite a while since she's been pleasured by a man. If one of you is able to satisfy her then the food and beer is all yours."
Although all three men were starving and fatigued, there could be much worse ways to earn a meal and a nice beer. So the first guy says to the farmer, "Sir, I'd be happy to take care of your daughters problem" and runs up the stairs.
About a minute later he comes screaming back down the stairs and bursts out of the front door.
The second man thinks to himself, "It can't be that bad" and heads up the stairs to give it a shot.
Again, just moments later he comes screaming down the stairs and flies out the front door.
The third man, who's now grown even more hungry and thirsty thinking of the delicious food waiting and the cold beer, decides to see for himself what's going on with this farmers daughter and makes his way up stairs.
When he opens the door he see the daughter laying on the bed. The rooms kinda dark and he moves in a little closer. As soon as he opens her legs he sees what he had only imagined in nightmares. There's cobwebs, boils and puss, hair everywhere, and a smell he could only liken to dead fish and cheese. As he turns his head in disgust, holding back his vomit, he notices 2 corncobs on the nightstand and gets an idea. He takes off his sock and says, "I'm going to blind fold you baby to make it more exciting". Once she was blindfolded he grabs a corncob and slides it in. The farmers daughter gave a slight moan and said, "Wow you're really big honey, you can go faster!".
The 3rd man begins to really give it to her with the corncob and then chucks it out the window. He grabs the second corncob and continues until the farmers daughter has the best orgasm of her life and he chucks the second corncob out the window. Then he removed the blindfold and stood there proud of his job well done. Extremely pleased the daughter grabs the man's hand and leads him back down the stairs. By the huge smile on her face the farmer new the man got the job done and proceeded to pour him the biggest beer of his life.
After he takes a couple big gulps he decides to head out front to tell his friends the good news. "Guys I took care of it, come inside and get some cold beer while the food is cooking!"
The two men look up with big ole grins on their faces and say, "Aw man while you've been in there dealing with that nasty woman, we've been out here enjoying this delicious creamed corn we found just laying on the ground!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qrmd/3_guys_are_lost_in_the_woods/
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Doesn’t it suck when you’re playing ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ On your iPhone At Full Volume...

...and everyone else at the funeral gets all pissy at you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qozh/doesnt_it_suck_when_youre_playing_another_one/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dislexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qk2g/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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Confucius Say

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qjzx/confucius_say/
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If he isn't treating you right let that mango

If he cheats on you honeydew yourself a favour and knock him out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qjfh/if_he_isnt_treating_you_right_let_that_mango/
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What is Joe Biden's favorite game?

Space Invader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qjcn/what_is_joe_bidens_favorite_game/
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What’s the difference between a good joke.

And a bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qfxc/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke/
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What did Dr. Watson say when he was constipated?

No shit, Sherlock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qf9j/what_did_dr_watson_say_when_he_was_constipated/
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What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

Homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qap9/what_do_you_call_a_guitar_player_without_a/
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I’m thinking about starting a strip club/Thai restaurant.

Gonna call it “Right between the thai’s”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8qajp/im_thinking_about_starting_a_strip_clubthai/
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How is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken?

When you are finished with the breast and the thigh,  you have a greasy box to stick your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8q1ds/how_is_a_woman_like_kentucky_fried_chicken/
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Complex numbers are all fun and games

Until someone loses an i. That's when things get real

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8prbj/complex_numbers_are_all_fun_and_games/
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An English cat named One-Two-Three and a French cat named Une-Deux-Trois were going for a walk one day when they came across a small river...

One-Two-Three and Un-Deux-Trois started to argue about who would be able to swim to the other side of the river faster, so they decided to have a race.
It was a very close race, but in the end One-Two-Three won because unfortunately Une-Deux-Trois quatre cinq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8pqe7/an_english_cat_named_onetwothree_and_a_french_cat/
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Why do cannibals like pregnant women?

Because there’s a surprise inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8pph5/why_do_cannibals_like_pregnant_women/
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Why did the man decide to work at the mirror factory?

Because he could see himself doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8pcx5/why_did_the_man_decide_to_work_at_the_mirror/
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A jewish man once went to a rabbi

When he entered the synagogue he said "Rabbi, I have a feeling that I want to live forever! how can I do that?"
The Rabbi looked at the man and told him "well, first you have to get married"
The man looked at the Rabbi in confusion and asked "will that really make me live forever?"
The Rabbi looked at the man, smiling slyly and answered "no, but the feeling will pass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8pbav/a_jewish_man_once_went_to_a_rabbi/
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A doctor asks his patient “What is your pain on a scale 1-10”

The patient responds “pi”
Doctor “pi?”
Patient “ it’s low level but never ending”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8p83p/a_doctor_asks_his_patient_what_is_your_pain_on_a/
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What is Thanos' preferred social media?

Snapchat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8p7a6/what_is_thanos_preferred_social_media/
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A blonde asks her friend for the best way to treat her boyfriends dandruff

Her friend says, “Just give him head and shoulders. It’s pretty good at clearing up dandruff!”
The next week her friend asks her, “So hows the dandruff problem?”
The blonde replies, “It’s still there, but I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to give him shoulders.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8p3qf/a_blonde_asks_her_friend_for_the_best_way_to/
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'Nah I don't think it'll be funny if I'll have to explain it five times'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8p0t3/an_old_blind_cowboy_wanders_into_an_allgirl_biker/
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why are most reddit Jokes medium rare?

because they certainly aren't rare, and are definitely not well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8oymr/why_are_most_reddit_jokes_medium_rare/
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I met a girl who was a grammar nazi

We liked the same music. The same movies. The conversation was so effortless. After only two dates, I knew she was the one. We had a third date lined up, and I knew we were going to have sex, but then she went to jail.
I wrote to her constantly, counting the days until she'd be free and we could be together. Then she told me she was getting out early on good behavior. I was so excited to finally have sex with her on the day she was released. But I couldn't.
She had a period at the end of her sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8oxrl/i_met_a_girl_who_was_a_grammar_nazi/
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Did you hear about the cannibal who perfected the art of cloning?

He's so full of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ovsi/did_you_hear_about_the_cannibal_who_perfected_the/
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Australians do not have sex

They mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8oquu/australians_do_not_have_sex/
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A husbsnd and wife are out walking

The husband is trailing behind the wife when he says "your bottom is so big it looks like an old washing machine"
His wife kept quiet and Carried on walking
Bedtime comes around and the husband starts to feel amorous
The wife says "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load, you'll have to do it by hand"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8omyy/a_husbsnd_and_wife_are_out_walking/
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"You haven't been listening to a word I've said, have you?"

It always felt like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8om0w/you_havent_been_listening_to_a_word_ive_said_have/
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My friend said: “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…”

It was a third degree burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8olps/my_friend_said_you_have_a_ba_a_masters_and_a_phd/
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You matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the square of speed of light.
Then you energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ol1u/you_matter/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100...

a solid 10 but also imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8og19/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8oet5/whats_blue_and_not_very_heavy/
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Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: Ok! (climbs the flagpole)
-Later that day-
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole.
Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
-Next Day-
(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
-Back home-
Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing any underwear.
Mom:...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8oeob/boy_ill_pay_you_10_bucks_to_climb_up_the_flagpole/
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I finally broke up with my Girlfriend, Ariel

She was a shelfish lover...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8oa9r/i_finally_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_ariel/
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A young banker decided to get a tailor-made suit.

So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?"
The young man answered, “Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8o7u1/a_young_banker_decided_to_get_a_tailormade_suit/
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A man is sitting at the bar, his head in his hands.

Bartender: What’s the matter buddy?
Man: It’s the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.
Bartender: Oh man that really sucks! What did you do?
Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out!
Bartender: What about your best friend?
Man: I looked him straight in the eyes and said BAD DOG!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8o4we/a_man_is_sitting_at_the_bar_his_head_in_his_hands/
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The government was making a law against breaking into people’s homes...

Santa burst through the door and said,
“How am I gonna deliver presents?”
So they made the Santa Clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8o3bi/the_government_was_making_a_law_against_breaking/
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What do you call having sex on festival of colour?

Holi Fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8o286/what_do_you_call_having_sex_on_festival_of_colour/
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My grandmother sat me down the other day and whispered conspiratorially in my ear that if she had her time again, she'd have spent it in Germany from around 1933.

I guess she's a gramma Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8o04q/my_grandmother_sat_me_down_the_other_day_and/
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Why do babies miss their umbilical chords?

Because they grew attached to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8nyif/why_do_babies_miss_their_umbilical_chords/
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An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys her daughter a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is indeed pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I need to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8nxto/an_18yearold_italian_girl_tells_her_mom_that_she/
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My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8nwx2/my_girlfriends_father_is_very_religious_and_says/
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What happened to the burnout who snooped and found his presents the week before Christmas?

He peeked early

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8nvv0/what_happened_to_the_burnout_who_snooped_and/
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Satan appears in the church

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." ! said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8nk8g/satan_appears_in_the_church/
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(I heard this joke in my language and found it somewhat funny, so decided to translate and post it to see if it sounds funny in English too. Sorry for poor translation). A man goes to a doctor and complains about "not being very good in bed".

So doctor gives him a medicine saying that he will see the difference if he uses it regularly.And it really works. But later, he overuses the medicine so he wants having more sex. Now, sleeping with 10, 15, even 20 girls in a day is not enough for him. He starts to fuck everyone he  comes across in the village, regardless their gender. So that, villagers call him "the fucker" and try to escape from him. The fucker himself is not very pleased from the situation so he goes to the doctor again and says that he cannot "help" fucking people. Doctor tells him to put in (or connect)) his penis to an electrical outlet so his "energy" will be consumed and the problem will be solved. Immediately after arriving home, he tests doctor's suggestion. When he is doing that a villager sees him from the window and warns others "RUN! THE FUCKER IS CHARGING HIS PENIS!!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8nhi1/i_heard_this_joke_in_my_language_and_found_it/
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Did you know they invented a food that decreases a woman’s sex drive by 98%?

It’s true. It’s called wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8nh0m/did_you_know_they_invented_a_food_that_decreases/
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Redneck Jimmy

In a small town there was a well liked Redneck named Jimmy. However, he was often in bad company as he tried to be friends with everyone. His two best friend were widely regarded as a pair of useless drunks. Still, everyone would smile and greet Jimmy whenever they saw him.
One day however, Jimmy passes away in a terrible car accident. He is hard to identify and the cops have to be sure. They decide to call in the two drunkards as they, no doubt, knows him the best. The two drunkards shows up, still hammered from the night before, and are asked to identify the body.
\-We're not quite sure, the first said. "Pull down his pants, that'll do."
The police looked puzzled, but as both drunks insisted that it was necessary, the police complied.
\-Not him, they said. "That's not our Jimmy."
\-How do you know? Asked the policeman.
\-Simple, said the drunk. "Jimmy had two assholes. This guy has only one."
\-How do you know Jimmy has two assholes? The cop asked.
\-Everybody knew that, said the second drunkard. "In fact, every time we entered a bar the crowd would exclaim: "Here comes Redneck Jimmy with them two assholes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ngt0/redneck_jimmy/
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Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

He can't do stand-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8na1z/why_does_stephen_hawking_do_oneliners/
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Beggar

I saw a beggar sleeping in a tyre.  I punctured it  . Now he is staying in a flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8n8jz/beggar/
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A driver gets pulled over by a policeman for speeding.

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8n2hz/a_driver_gets_pulled_over_by_a_policeman_for/
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If a group of crows is called a murder...

is a group of traps called an ambush?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8n0do/if_a_group_of_crows_is_called_a_murder/
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If a tree falls...

If a tree falls in the woods and kills someone, did they die of natural causes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8mw56/if_a_tree_falls/
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An inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad.

He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8mo8t/an_inmate_on_death_row_is_scheduled_to_be_put_to/
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I posted an image of poop on a very strict sub

Apparently, no shit-posting allowed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8mnkk/i_posted_an_image_of_poop_on_a_very_strict_sub/
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My life is like porn

Overall bad lighting and all the people in it are fake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8mjy7/my_life_is_like_porn/
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The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8mh49/the_blonde_walks_into_a_drugstore_and_asks_the/
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One thing i learned about sex these past 24 years..

Is that i don't have any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8mgsi/one_thing_i_learned_about_sex_these_past_24_years/
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The Knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called
'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could
be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course,
the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful,
the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times
and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8mgpe/the_knob/
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A dentist tells a blonde that she needs braces.

The blonde says, "Why? I can walk just fine."
When the dentist explains that braces are for her teeth, she replies, "But my teeth don't walk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8mgap/a_dentist_tells_a_blonde_that_she_needs_braces/
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A schrodriger cat walks in a bar...

and it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8mcd5/a_schrodriger_cat_walks_in_a_bar/
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My wife asked for something shiny, fast, and brand new that would go from 0-200 in under a second for her birthday.

Apparently a bathroom scale was not what she had in mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8mbtv/my_wife_asked_for_something_shiny_fast_and_brand/
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If 666 is evil then...

25.8 is root of all evils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8mawv/if_666_is_evil_then/
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How cold is the coldest country in South America?

I don't know but it's probably very Chile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8m3p2/how_cold_is_the_coldest_country_in_south_america/
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My new girlfriend told me she doesn’t eat dairy products.

I said “No whey!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8m2nd/my_new_girlfriend_told_me_she_doesnt_eat_dairy/
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What did Sonic say when he started a hunger strike?

Gotta go fast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8m2gk/what_did_sonic_say_when_he_started_a_hunger_strike/
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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8m2fx/how_does_a_computer_science_major_pick_up_girls/
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There's something mysterious about the G spot.

I just can't put my finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8m27h/theres_something_mysterious_about_the_g_spot/
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Accidents keep happening consistently at 12:12 in the afternoon.

Dammit noon noon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8m1ic/accidents_keep_happening_consistently_at_1212_in/
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A year ago I vowed only to smoke after sex.....

....I haven’t had a cigarette since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8lzk3/a_year_ago_i_vowed_only_to_smoke_after_sex/
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During honeymoon Bill Gates wife tell him:

Now i know why your company name is MicroSoft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8lp0f/during_honeymoon_bill_gates_wife_tell_him/
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“Knock Knock!” “Who’s there?”

“It’s Dave!”
“Dave who?”
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother’s Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ljil/knock_knock_whos_there/
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Sugar in Semen

A professor is lecturing a class and says, "Today's lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc."
A blonde girl responds with, "How come you can't taste sugar in semen?"
The professor says, "Well, sweety, that's because you don't have taste buds in the back of your throat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8lhih/sugar_in_semen/
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Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ledb/why_isnt_there_a_pregnant_barbie_doll/
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A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel.

As he’s checking in, he says to the clerk, “I’m on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled.”
The clerk replies in disgust, “It’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8lcvj/a_man_on_vacation_with_his_family_arrives_at_a/
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All right, I know one joke.

Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea...
Well, he doesn't walk up, he swims up.
Well, actually, the mollusk isn't moving, he's in one place.
And then the sea cucumber, well, they... I mixed up.
There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that...
There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks.
So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says, "With fronds like these, who needs anenomes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8lcql/all_right_i_know_one_joke/
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I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8kw4y/i_lost_both_my_kidneys_when_i_turned_18/
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A blonde bursts out the doctor's office, yelling that the doctor flirted with her.

The staff rush to see what was going on, they asked her, "What did he do?"
She replied, "He told the nurse he'll check me out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ks5b/a_blonde_bursts_out_the_doctors_office_yelling/
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You'll have to travel to Oxford

A bloke goes into the jobcentre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologists assistant, interested he goes to find out more..
'Can you give me some more details about this?' He said to the guy behind the desk.
The jobcentre guy shifts through his files and replies 'ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one, the job involves you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist, you have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions, then apply shaving foam and shave off all their public hair and then rub in soothing oils so their ready for their gynaecological examination. There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to travel to Oxford '.
'Oh, is that where the job is based?'
'No, that's where the back of the queue is.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ko4b/youll_have_to_travel_to_oxford/
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A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter. Goes into the bag and pulls out a list and some money and hands (mouths?) it to the clerk.
The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling "Grrrrr"
The clerk says "fine fine" and adds in the $10 he was trying to shortchange the dog with.
The dog puts everything back in the bag and saunters off.
The man thinks this is very interesting and decides to follow the dog to see what else it will do.
He watches the dog reach a traffic light. Sit and wait for it to say "WALK" before it crosses.
He eventually follows it to a building. It jumps up and presses an apartment number with it its paw.The door buzzes open and the dog goes in. The man sneaks in behind it.
The dog goes to the elevator and pushes the up button with its snout.They both get into the elevator and the dog presses the button for the 8th floor.
Once there, the dog goes to an apartment door and starts scratching.
An older man opens the door and starts shouting at the dog, telling it how stupid it is.
The man who’s just witnessed how amazing this dog is decides to intervene.“Excuse me! But I think you’re being unfair to your dog. This is the most amazing dog I’ve ever seen. I saw it buy groceries for you, check the change it got was right, get all the way back up here and now you’re calling it stupid?”
The old man replies “Well, this is the 3rd time this week this dumbass forgets his keys!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8kl4k/a_man_is_in_a_convenience_store_and_sees_a_dog/
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Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8kfdw/bill_gates_and_elon_musk_should_teamup_and_make_a/
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If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.

Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8k8jd/if_a_service_dog_without_a_person_approaches_you/
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Trump shutting down the border would be the best thing for millennials

Once the avocado market dries up they can finally pay off their student loans and buy a house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8k3un/trump_shutting_down_the_border_would_be_the_best/
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Why doesn't Tim Cook build his own house?

Because he refuses to install windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8k3mw/why_doesnt_tim_cook_build_his_own_house/
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A teacher is telling her students that, in English, two negatives make a positive but two positives don’t make a negative.

A student from the back yells “yeah right”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8jy5k/a_teacher_is_telling_her_students_that_in_english/
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8jw2m/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
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Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day...

Push a man from the plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8jret/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_hell_fly_for_a_day/
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My family loves to have dance parties.

My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect.
Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing!
It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8jptc/my_family_loves_to_have_dance_parties/
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Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8jeu2/why_do_men_always_give_their_jackets_to_their/
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The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.
"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.
The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea for Hitler's standard.
"You're even crazier! This idea of yours is just plain SCHEISSE!" Hitler yells.
The third commander steps in.
"This is my tactic, Mein Fuhrer," he starts. "I say we have three defensive lines with different elements of strategy and weapons."
"Okay... continue please," Hitler says.
"The first line of defense is called the Standard Infantry Line," he brings up a board and points to a line illustrating his plans, "this line is where our standard infantry goes. Standard guns, rifles, you know it."
The commander points to another line on his board. "This is the tank line. This line should be filled with tanks at least half a kilometer apart."
Hitler nods in approval, and so do the other generals in the room.
"This is the Sniper Line. All of the best marksmen from the divisions will be here and supports the Standard Infantry Line."
The commander points to another line at the board. "Now this is the Punch Line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8jec4/the_year_is_1944_the_americans_are_advancing_fast/
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Jesus at the pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8je1d/jesus_at_the_pearly_gates/
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What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me I'm going in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8jdzx/what_did_the_penis_say_to_the_condom/
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Thank goodness it's April 2nd

I had 4 pregnancy scares yesterday. They all turned out to be pranks. Please don't tell my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8jcwp/thank_goodness_its_april_2nd/
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Whenever the letter C talks, why is it that the three letters after him never listen?

Because they're DEF.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8j8ok/whenever_the_letter_c_talks_why_is_it_that_the/
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My friend asked me if I were an "arr" pirate or a "yo ho ho" one

I told him I'm an "I'm not paying 600$ for Photoshop" type of pirate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8j5tz/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_were_an_arr_pirate_or_a/
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I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never come for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8j28g/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
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What's worse than having a girlfriend with no boobs?

Having no girlfriend and boobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8j1yz/whats_worse_than_having_a_girlfriend_with_no_boobs/
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Hey girl, are you from Iraq?

Because I like the way you Baghdad ass up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8izes/hey_girl_are_you_from_iraq/
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Did you grow up on a chicken farm?

Cause you sure know how to raise a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ix72/did_you_grow_up_on_a_chicken_farm/
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A monk enters a barber shop.

When the barber is finished, the monk asks,
"How much do I owe you?"
the barber says,
"Nothing, as my payment was the visit of a holy man of god such as yourself."
the monk leaves, and the next day, the barber finds a dozen gemstones on his doorstep.
The next day, a priest enters, and after the barber is finished giving the haircut to the priest, the priest asks,
"How much do I owe you?"
the barber says,
"Nothing, as my payment was the visit of a holy man of god such as yourself."
the next day, the barber finds a dozen bibles on his doorstep.
the next day, a rabbi enters, and after the barber is finished, the rabbi asks,
"How much do I owe you?"
The barber says,
"Nothing, as my payment was the visit of a holy man of god such as yourself."
And what do you know, the next day, the barber finds a dozen rabbis on his doorstep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ivsp/a_monk_enters_a_barber_shop/
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A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8iplc/a_man_walks_up_to_3_women_wearing_potato_sacks/
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I took the shell of my racing snail thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8iosi/i_took_the_shell_of_my_racing_snail_thinking_it/
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What’s the difference between stabbing a human and killing a hog

One is assaulting with intent to kill, the other is killing with intent to salt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8im54/whats_the_difference_between_stabbing_a_human_and/
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An Irishman wanders the desert...

Stumbling upon a magic lantern, he gives it a rub and a genie pops out...
Genie:
Hello stranded Irishman, thank you for setting me free! As a reward, I will grant you three wishes... What will be your first wish?
Irishman:
Oh hello genie! Well I’m awfully parched, and I miss Ireland, so I’d like a pint of Guinness plea-
He pauses for a moment, thinking carefully.
Irishman:
...Make that an ’endless’ pint of Guinness.
Genie:
Granted!
A perfect pint of Guinness appears in the Irishman’s hand. He knocks it back swiftly, wipes his mouth and watches in amazement as it fills right up to the top again.
Irishman:
Oh my... That’s brilliant!
Genie:
A great wish Irishman! But you still have two more to go...
Irishman:
Two more? Wow... well this bottomless pint is so good, I suppose I’ll have another couple of these!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ikms/an_irishman_wanders_the_desert/
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I found a radioactive cat.

It had 18 half-lifes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ijme/i_found_a_radioactive_cat/
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A girl told me she loved me yesterday

So that was a fucking lie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8iian/a_girl_told_me_she_loved_me_yesterday/
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A Computer walks into a bar...

Looking around, it spots an older but rather attractive printer sitting alone in the corner.
The computer approaches the printer and says, "Hey good lookin.  What's your font?".
Annoyed, the printer gets up and starts heading for the door, "It appears that it's time for my carriage to return home."
Startled by the turn of events, the computer asks, "What? Why?"
The printer responds, "You fed me a line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ih69/a_computer_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?

Too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8if11/how_many_grammar_nazis_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Here's a NSFW: I asked my GF if she would consider masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ieqs/heres_a_nsfw_i_asked_my_gf_if_she_would_consider/
%
I used to date a tennis payer...

Love meant nothing to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ie5i/i_used_to_date_a_tennis_payer/
%
Everything is a sexual innuendo

If you think long and hard enough about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8iavm/everything_is_a_sexual_innuendo/
%
An old Australian gynecologist was doing his rounds with a group of interns in tow.

As they were making their way between patients, one of the interns tapped the elderly doctor on the shoulder.
"Uh, doctor?  I just thought I should tell you that you have an IUD behind your right ear."
The old doctor fumbled behind his ear and retrieved the offending device, scowled at it, and shook it in the face of the young intern.  "Do you know what this means?"
The intern shook their head.
"It means some cunt's got my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8i6xw/an_old_australian_gynecologist_was_doing_his/
%
You know who could beat captain America?

Captain Vietnam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8i6il/you_know_who_could_beat_captain_america/
%
A vampire asks for a glass of bodybuilder’s blood.

After taking a swig, he exclaims, “That’s some strong stuff!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8i690/a_vampire_asks_for_a_glass_of_bodybuilders_blood/
%
Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter"?

He said "Nein, I am ze German... but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8i56l/dad_joke_so_i_saw_this_dude_walking_around_with_a/
%
We have been misunderstanding antivaxxers this whole time! They really *do* their own research

Specifically, they are the control group.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8i3be/we_have_been_misunderstanding_antivaxxers_this/
%
Success

A guy finds a strange cave entrance in the wilderness. Because curiousity's only hazardous to cats he walks in.
He sees a gorgeous woman inside. The woman lets her single-piece dress fall and says: "Take me or climb higher to success" pointing at the stairs carved from the stone behind her.
We all know what men really want and it's disgusting; success... hence the man climbs the stairs to be greeted by even a more delicate beauty.
"Take me or climb higher to success!" she also exclaims gesturing at the stairs behind her. The man proceeds.
Our hero climbs two more stairs, refusing a more beautiful woman's affection and moving on "to success".
At last after the last set of stairs he's grabbed by a hulking beast of a man, buck-naked save for his loincloth. Struggling, our hero exclaims: "Who the hell are you?!"
Forcing him down on his knees the hulking guy responds: "I'm Cess!"
*Edit: Non-native English speaker on the phone.. sorry about errors, fixed all I could find.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8i2wb/success/
%
Wife came home from a beauty salon

Husband: "Well, at least you tried."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8hpqf/wife_came_home_from_a_beauty_salon/
%
Two blondes having a conversation

Blonde 1: What do you think is closer, Paris or the Moon?
Blonde 2: Are you stupid? Can you see Paris from here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8hlq7/two_blondes_having_a_conversation/
%
What do you call ninjas with red hair?

Ginjas....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8hhen/what_do_you_call_ninjas_with_red_hair/
%
My friend met a prostitute who connected battery wires to his testicles.

I said, “Holy shit! How much did she charge you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ha9q/my_friend_met_a_prostitute_who_connected_battery/
%
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”
His roommate replies, “Canadian.”
Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”
The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”
Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.”
His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8h9cy/two_men_are_roommates_in_a_hospital_because_they/
%
I have no friend but I love my shoes

They're my sole companions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8h81c/i_have_no_friend_but_i_love_my_shoes/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping in school?

The teacher woke him up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8h59x/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_in_school/
%
“You should be ashamed,” a father tells his young son. “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.”

“Really?” the son responds.
“Well, when he was your age, he was president.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8h2on/you_should_be_ashamed_a_father_tells_his_young/
%
Why does police hit percentage start to drop in the later time of the day?

Because they can't see the black guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8gzag/why_does_police_hit_percentage_start_to_drop_in/
%
A man walks into a pet store, interested in a parrot. He notices a gorgeous bird with a red ribbon on its right ankle and a blue ribbon on the left ankle.

The man asks the store owner about the ribbons.
“Oh, this is a specially trained parrot. If you tug on the red ribbon, the parrot will recite the Declaration of Independence. If you tug on the blue ribbon, he recites the Gettysburg Address.”
“That’s pretty awesome,” the man responds, “but what happens if you tug both at the same time?”
The parrot answers the man, “I’d fall off my perch, you moron.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8gwe6/a_man_walks_into_a_pet_store_interested_in_a/
%
Why are Indians the best programmers?

Because they're born Devs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8gsvt/why_are_indians_the_best_programmers/
%
[ultrasound]

Wife: "How does he look?"
Doctor: "This is honestly the biggest baby I've ever seen."
Husband: "So we're finally talking about the elephant in the womb."
Doctor:
Wife: "I keep a divorce lawyer on retainer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8gp70/ultrasound/
%
I tried to invest in the gravy industry

But there wasn't much stock in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8gnr8/i_tried_to_invest_in_the_gravy_industry/
%
A man once asked his wife if he's the only one she'd been with

She replied yes.  All others had been nines and tens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8gnq8/a_man_once_asked_his_wife_if_hes_the_only_one/
%
Ancient Wisdom

"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk before me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow."
In fact, why don't you just fuck off and leave me alone?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8gm4t/ancient_wisdom/
%
A student is looking for a university minor...

He finds a professor of assumption...
He asks what it is all about.
The professor asks, "Do you have a dog?"
"Yes, I do"
"So I assume you have a yard for a dog?"
"Yes, in fact"
"I assume you have a house then?"
"Why yes I do!"
"Therefore I assume you have a wife to help pay for the house?"
"Oh my, yes I do!"
"And children?"
"Yes, yes"
"So from all this, I assume you are heterosexual?"
"Amazing, I am!"
The man takes the course & is talking about it in the university bar
Another man asks him, "How does it work?"
The student says, "Do you have a dog?"
The other man says, "Oh, no."
The first man looks at him disparagingly as says, "You homo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8gjax/a_student_is_looking_for_a_university_minor/
%
Why are New Yorkers so depressed?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ghlk/why_are_new_yorkers_so_depressed/
%
You know why reddit has two d's in them?

One of them was a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ggsm/you_know_why_reddit_has_two_ds_in_them/
%
How do you know if a person drives a car with manual transmission?

Don't worry, they will tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8gedu/how_do_you_know_if_a_person_drives_a_car_with/
%
I saw my friends Israeli passport recently.

Under occupation it just said Palestine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8gbdp/i_saw_my_friends_israeli_passport_recently/
%
Why did the boy drop his ice cream cone?

He got hit by a truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8gbao/why_did_the_boy_drop_his_ice_cream_cone/
%
My buddy from Sniper school broke up with his GF.

She didn't want a long distance relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8g5gf/my_buddy_from_sniper_school_broke_up_with_his_gf/
%
How do you make Easter easier in just one simple step?

Replace the T with an I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8g27e/how_do_you_make_easter_easier_in_just_one_simple/
%
What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8g07r/what_does_a_short_sighted_gynecologist_and_a_dog/
%
What sound does a 737 make on landing?

Boeing Boeing Boeing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8fzc1/what_sound_does_a_737_make_on_landing/
%
Here's a funny joke from the 1930s

The Maginot Line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8fidr/heres_a_funny_joke_from_the_1930s/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight....

There would be "mass" confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8fcy0/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
How do you know 10 is a voraphile?

He came after 7 8 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8esxi/how_do_you_know_10_is_a_voraphile/
%
Did you hear about the satellites that got married?

The reception was amazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8e9aw/did_you_hear_about_the_satellites_that_got_married/
%
Is it Raining or Snowing?

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8dyab/is_it_raining_or_snowing/
%
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8dvoh/a_lonely_woman_aged_70_decided_that_it_was_time/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A ripoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8drcb/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Some people say “if you can’t beat them, join them”

I say “if you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8dr0u/some_people_say_if_you_cant_beat_them_join_them/
%
Politician and diapers have something in common

They both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8do28/politician_and_diapers_have_something_in_common/
%
What is the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer balls. They’re under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8djb8/what_is_the_cheapest_kind_of_meat/
%
Do you know what’s special about Hilberto’s Hotel?

There’s always room for Juan more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8dja4/do_you_know_whats_special_about_hilbertos_hotel/
%
What is ET short for?

He has little legs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8dimx/what_is_et_short_for/
%
Why don’t Americans eat snails?

We prefer fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8di88/why_dont_americans_eat_snails/
%
Bad sex advice

A teen virgin goes off to college and he finally mustered up the courage to invite a female student to his dorm room.
One thing leads to another and she starts to undress him.
He was super nervous and confused so he ran into the bathroom to call his dad for some last minute advice.
"Dad", he said, "I'm going to have sex tonight. I'm really excited and ready to do this but I've never had sex before and I don't know what to do!"
Dad says "It's OK son, take it easy and when you're ready just put the hardest part of your body into where she goes to the bathroom. If you have any other concerns you can call me back."
Five minutes later...
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I just took my head out of the toilet and I'm not sure what to do next."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8dgms/bad_sex_advice/
%
Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time which caused a large amount of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he had very bad breath.

Therefore this made  him super calloused fragil mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8dfjj/gandhi_walked_barefoot_most_of_the_time_which/
%
I put root beer in a square glass

Now I just have beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8d2di/i_put_root_beer_in_a_square_glass/
%
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8cxch/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
%
Making a joke in 2019 is like taking a hike through a Vietnamese forest

You never know what you’re going to set off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8cvdi/making_a_joke_in_2019_is_like_taking_a_hike/
%
If you know three or more languages,

You are multilingual.
If you know two languages, you are bilingual.
If you know one language, you are American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8clak/if_you_know_three_or_more_languages/
%
If I saw a man in a suit, jump into a phone booth and then Superman jump out. I’d be like “Holy shit!”

A fucking phone booth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8ccaw/if_i_saw_a_man_in_a_suit_jump_into_a_phone_booth/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8c3h8/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
Today I learned that heat makes things expand

Your mom is REALLY hot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8c1gy/today_i_learned_that_heat_makes_things_expand/
%
I won a million dollars in the lottery! I plan to give a quarter of it to charity.

That'll leave me with $999,999.75 to spend on myself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8bxrl/i_won_a_million_dollars_in_the_lottery_i_plan_to/
%
You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?

He couldn’t spell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8bwlo/you_hear_about_the_wizard_that_dropped_out_of/
%
A class of children return to school after Christmas.

The teacher asks each child in turn to tell her what gifts they received. Little Paul replies "I got a choo-choo" "Now Paul," replies the teacher, " you're in the big school now, we call it a train not a choo-choo"
She turns to Tommy. "what did you get?" "A nee-naw", replies Tommy. "Now Tommy, we're all at big school now. It's a police car", she explains.
She then asks wee Jimmy "what did you get Jimmy?" He replies "Winnie the Shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8bljn/a_class_of_children_return_to_school_after/
%
I went by the house I grew up in...

I went up to the door and asked if I could go in and look around, they said "No" and slammed the door.
My parents are dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8bghn/i_went_by_the_house_i_grew_up_in/
%
I hate listening to music during sex...

There honestly aren't many good 30 second songs out there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8bft9/i_hate_listening_to_music_during_sex/
%
A woman, pregnant with triplets, takes a walk in a bad neighbourhood.

She is caught in the crossfire during a drive-by shooting. She's rushed to hospital and given a scan immediately. The sonographer gives her the results.
"It seems that you've been very lucky. A bullet has lodged in the intestines of each of your children, but all three appear healthy. We will not operate and the bullets should pass naturally."
When the children are a little older the mum tells them the story of what happened and says that they shouldn't be alarmed if they poop a bullet.
On the triplets 10th birthday one of the triplets comes running to the mum. "mum, mum! Guess what? I just did a poo and the bullet came out!" "That's great news son, well done!" The mum replies.
A week later the second of the three comes running. "Mum, mum! Guess what? I just had a poo and the bullet came out!" "Fantastic news!" Replies the mum.
Another week passes and the third child comes running. "Mum, mum!" "Let me guess", interrupts the mother, "you did a poo and the bullet came out?" "No", he replies. "I farted and shot the cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8bdou/a_woman_pregnant_with_triplets_takes_a_walk_in_a/
%
I got ran over by someone in a wheelchair

It was a hit and can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8b55e/i_got_ran_over_by_someone_in_a_wheelchair/
%
Two men are robbing a condo in a big city.

Suddenly, the building alarms begin to go off and the men hear police sirens outside.
“Quick, jump out the window!” the first man shouts.
The second man gives the first man a look of confusion and replies, “Are you insane, Mike? We’re on the 13th floor!”
Mike rolls his eyes and says, “Really, Joe, this is no time to be superstitious! Now let’s go!”
(My 10-year-old son came home from school with this one and it got a chuckle out of me. Sorry if it’s been done on here before!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8avyb/two_men_are_robbing_a_condo_in_a_big_city/
%
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.
*poof*
The horse disappears.
This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.
But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8akse/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_at_which_point_the/
%
What's the difference between School and Politics?

School is actually useful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8aj4g/whats_the_difference_between_school_and_politics/
%
I was talking to my dad about upgrading my phone the other day

And I wanted to get an iPhone and he wanted to get some Chinese brand I’ve never even heard of. We argued about this for hours and hours. And eventually I turned to him and simply said
“It’s either my way, or the Huawei.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b89wi8/i_was_talking_to_my_dad_about_upgrading_my_phone/
%
There's a sucker born every minute...

...in the maternity ward of Willy Wonka's Lollipop Hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b89u47/theres_a_sucker_born_every_minute/
%
Three Russian prisoners sit in neighboring cells in the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b89t7j/three_russian_prisoners_sit_in_neighboring_cells/
%
It's a good thing Hitler didn't kill more black people.

Because I'd feel awful every time I said I wanted to bake brownies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b89gkj/its_a_good_thing_hitler_didnt_kill_more_black/
%
Mom got a sex change operation

After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b89cf0/mom_got_a_sex_change_operation/
%
When I was young...

...my teacher said I was nothing but a stupid loser, and I'd never amount to anything.
Now, I look back on my life and I realize that being home-schooled really sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b89864/when_i_was_young/
%
How do the fallen avengers talk to each other?

Snapchat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b891bj/how_do_the_fallen_avengers_talk_to_each_other/
%
A Japanese man, French man and a redneck are sitting at a bar. The subject get around to sex and what they to drive their wife crazy.

The Japanese man: After we make love, I softly massage my wife's breasts. It drives her crazy.
The French man: After we make love, I kiss her eyes, then her breasts, then her sweet spot. It drives her crazy.
The redneck:  After I jump the old ladies bones, I get up and wipe my dick off on the curtains. It drives her crazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b890z9/a_japanese_man_french_man_and_a_redneck_are/
%
Whenever my mom sees me, she just can’t keep a straight face

Since the stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b890v6/whenever_my_mom_sees_me_she_just_cant_keep_a/
%
Where does Frozone put his laundry?

Down his super chute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b88zar/where_does_frozone_put_his_laundry/
%
When is the best time to eat a zebra?

When it's stripened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b88s9w/when_is_the_best_time_to_eat_a_zebra/
%
My wife decided to open the car door for me today.

It would’ve been a nice gesture had we not been going 70 mph.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b88muu/my_wife_decided_to_open_the_car_door_for_me_today/
%
Did you know? If you put a hard hat up to your ear...

...you can hear the OSHA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b88j98/did_you_know_if_you_put_a_hard_hat_up_to_your_ear/
%
A Communist and a Fascist walk into a bar..

The bartender asks if the men would like menus.
The Communist exclaimes "No, I am full, like the earth is full of bodies of those killed under Fascist rule!"
The Fascist retorts "I'll take a menu, as I am starving, like every man, woman, child and dog who lived under Communist rule."
The bartender shakes his head and thinks "Wow, this comment section is gonna be a total shit-show."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b88cho/a_communist_and_a_fascist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
If the moon landing was real…

Then how come I still see it in the sky?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b88b4e/if_the_moon_landing_was_real/
%
If you neutralize LSD

Can you still call it acid?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b883rd/if_you_neutralize_lsd/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat....

He pins it in one go...
He orders another... pins that too..
After about 4 whiskys, the barman asks him "whats up?"
"Im after having my first blo job" says the guy..
"Ah good man..", says the barman.."here, have this whisky on the house..congratulations!!"
The guy replies " if 4 didnt get the taste out of my mouth, I dont think a fifth will help!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b87tzm/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_whisky_neat/
%
A klansmen, a domestic abuser and a murderer walk into a bar...

The bartender asks “what’ll it be officer?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b87tmm/a_klansmen_a_domestic_abuser_and_a_murderer_walk/
%
"mom, dad, I have something important to tell you: I'm straight"

Parents: "You do realize we just assume you're straight until you tell us otherwise, yes?"
Child: "HA! Got you! April fools!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b87l9v/mom_dad_i_have_something_important_to_tell_you_im/
%
Women are like grenades...

remove the ring and your house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b87l20/women_are_like_grenades/
%
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

BREATHE!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8779b/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
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My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion......

As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive” but it’s still hard without him.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b876kh/my_dad_died_last_year_when_my_family_couldnt/
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Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?

Because they're extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b87377/why_is_it_so_difficult_for_a_trex_to_masturbate/
%
A guy walks into a therapist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap.

The therapist says "well I can clearly see you're nuts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b86sec/a_guy_walks_into_a_therapists_office_wearing/
%
My Grandfather killed 6 Germans at Normandy

Don't feel to excited, as he did it on vacation last week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b86jjg/my_grandfather_killed_6_germans_at_normandy/
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Sometimes I think I was actually born on April 1st

Because my life is a fucking joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b86ikw/sometimes_i_think_i_was_actually_born_on_april_1st/
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How do you keep an idiot busy? (see below)

How do you keep an idiot busy? (see above)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b86e4c/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_busy_see_below/
%
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b86agq/a_blonde_goes_to_work_in_tears_her_boss_asks/
%
I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.

My self confidence is skyrocketing!
A *TON* of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b866i3/i_put_a_honk_if_you_think_im_sexy_bumper_sticker/
%
April Fools Day............

The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b865hr/april_fools_day/
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People are so sensitive now-a-days.

You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b863ou/people_are_so_sensitive_nowadays/
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I was very surprised when the police knocked on my door and wanted to interview me

Especially as I never applied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b85pb7/i_was_very_surprised_when_the_police_knocked_on/
%
What Sort Of Music Do Wind Turbines Like?

They're huge metal fans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b85mp2/what_sort_of_music_do_wind_turbines_like/
%
I put my grades up for adoption

Because I couldn’t raise them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b85knz/i_put_my_grades_up_for_adoption/
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Why is World Autism Day after April Fools’ Day?

Because it takes longer for them to get the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b85kko/why_is_world_autism_day_after_april_fools_day/
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An amputee got to a particularly tough spot in his recovery...

I guess you could say he got stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b85frh/an_amputee_got_to_a_particularly_tough_spot_in/
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How many police officers did it take to push the black man down the stairs?

Zero. He fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b855p3/how_many_police_officers_did_it_take_to_push_the/
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What do young male Spanish cows call each other?

Moo-chachos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b854ci/what_do_young_male_spanish_cows_call_each_other/
%
What kind of eels can travel on land?

Wheels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b84lsw/what_kind_of_eels_can_travel_on_land/
%
I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b840wd/i_broke_two_of_my_dads_queen_records/
%
Back in the days when the guillotine was first used

people wondered, is this what we may beheaded for in the future?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b83w68/back_in_the_days_when_the_guillotine_was_first/
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A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b83rwq/a_dinosaur_a_spider_and_a_cowboy_walk_into_a_bar/
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A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed and lowered into the ground.
On the day of the funeral, unsurprisingly, the pastor, doctor and lawyer are the only three on attendance. As they gather around the coffin the pastor speaks first.
"I'm sorry, gentlemen. I could not fully honor our friends dying wish. His money can do nothing for him in the afterlife, but here on earth it can still do some good. So I confess that I've donated one million to several reputable charities I know are in need of funds and used another million to sponsor missionaries to spread the word of God. But look." he opened a bag of cash he had with him.
"I still have the remaining eight million. I trust this will be enough to satisfy our friend and justify me before the Lord." And he dumped the money into the coffin.
The doctor spoke next.
"I too have partially betrayed the trust of our friend. I feel a little guilty, but I can't condone burying all this money while so many people are suffering. I gave two million to my hospital to help them update and replace all our old, outdated equipment and I donated two million to Doctors Without Borders to help them save countless lives in the developing world.
"But I've brought the other six million." With that he opened the bag he carried and dumped the cash into the coffin.
"Our greedy friend can still rest in peace and I can still live with myself."
The lawyer glared at the other two with a stern expression.
"How dare you? Both of you aught to be ashamed of yourselves! It's not a question of what this money could or could not be used for. It's a question of legal and moral responsibility. Our poor friend wasn't benevolent, or generous, or even very nice. That caused everyone he knew to abandon him. Everyone but we three. We were the only three in the world he trusted to honor his last request."
At this he produced an envelope from his coat pocket.
"That is why I will leave this check for the full ten million with our dearly departed friend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b83llj/a_greedy_old_miser_dies_alone_in_his_will_hes/
%
My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle.

I rode in, ruthlessly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b83jda/my_girlfriend_ruth_fell_off_the_back_of_my/
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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b83ith/yesterday_i_paid_a_stranger_to_knock_me/
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I was filling in an online survey when it asked me what state I lived in

Apparently "constant despair" isn't an appropriate answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b83cxt/i_was_filling_in_an_online_survey_when_it_asked/
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Glucose

Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.
Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it?
Teacher: Technically. Yes.
Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...
Teacher: what?
Student: what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b83bvz/glucose/
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What do you call an Irishman who can’t be shot?

Rick O’Shea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b83aq2/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_who_cant_be_shot/
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A Christmas Joke

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner.
That night, they make love for one hour.
The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself.
That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours.
The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call.
A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks.
"I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"
"That was you?!" the little boy says.
"Let me tell you. Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b839pe/a_christmas_joke/
%
Roses are red, Acorns are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b838a9/roses_are_red_acorns_are_brown/
%
A hunting trip

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.
He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him.
After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll fuck you.”
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town.
He’s pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.” Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka.
Now he’s really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.
The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back.
When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b833qh/a_hunting_trip/
%
A dude calls a repairman to fix his doorbell.

3 hours later the dude calls the repairman
Dude - Hey man where are you?
Repairman - I've been ringing your god damn doorbell for 2 hours straight and you didn't answer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b832t7/a_dude_calls_a_repairman_to_fix_his_doorbell/
%
Taxi fare

A naked woman rushed in a taxi.
The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly.
The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"
The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b831mv/taxi_fare/
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Girlfriend to boyfriend

GF - I'm sorry babe but i've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry aswell, I have also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on 24th March

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b830yq/girlfriend_to_boyfriend/
%
I just said "No comment" all the way through the police interview.

I didn't get the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b82vo7/i_just_said_no_comment_all_the_way_through_the/
%
A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks.

“Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers.
“And did he make me too?” she asks next.
“Of course he did,” the old man answers again.
“Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b82qy2/a_grandfather_is_walking_home_with_his/
%
Did you hear about a soldier who had his body painted?

He's now a decorated veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b82lto/did_you_hear_about_a_soldier_who_had_his_body/
%
Irishman Murphy applied for a fermen-tation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?
We both got 19 questions correct and this being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know.' and you put down, 'Neither do I'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b826ro/irishman_murphy_applied_for_a_fermentation/
%
How many Brexiteers does it take to change the light bulb?

Two.
One to promise a *bright* future and other to *screw* it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b823w3/how_many_brexiteers_does_it_take_to_change_the/
%
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b821iw/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
A man goes to confessions

He says "Oh father I've committed a grave sin and seek repentance"
The priest replies "my son, tell me what you have done and i will ask God to forgive you"
The man says "Father, the sin I've committed is so bad that I can only tell God myself"
The man insists that he must speak to God himself to ask for forgiveness. The priest gets annoyed and finally gives in.
He says "Son, at midnight tonight, God will come down your chimney. Tell Him what youve done and He will forgive you"
So that night the man waits up patiently all night.
A little after midnight he hears loud banging in his chimney and a figure dressed in a white cloth appears infront of him.
Unbeknownst to him, it is actually the annoyed priest coming to take his confession.
The man says "Oh God im so glad you came! I must confess a horrible sin! Please forgive me!"
So the priest says "Son, tell me what you have done and surely I will forgive you"
After a brief pause the man rattles up the courage, and relievingly says "...I fucked the priest's sister"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b81yyx/a_man_goes_to_confessions/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b81wpl/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
My wife asked me if she was the only one I had slept with and I said yes.

I stayed awake the whole night with the rest of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b81roa/my_wife_asked_me_if_she_was_the_only_one_i_had/
%
And now for a completely, totally, 100% original joke that's never been seen on this subreddit before:

April fools!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b81nut/and_now_for_a_completely_totally_100_original/
%
Why are so many young people turning to socialism and communism?

Because then they can seize the memes of production.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b81lxm/why_are_so_many_young_people_turning_to_socialism/
%
I dont get it

If someone donates 1 kindey, they're hailed a hero, but I donate 5 and get arrested!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b81hul/i_dont_get_it/
%
A cop pulls over a woman going the wrong way down a one-way street.

“Where the heck do you think you’re going?” the cop asks.
“I don’t know, but I must be late because it looks like everyone is coming back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b81hmh/a_cop_pulls_over_a_woman_going_the_wrong_way_down/
%
Three kittens are on a sloping roof...

Which one slides down the slowest?
The one with the highest μ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b81a7q/three_kittens_are_on_a_sloping_roof/
%
What is Mr. T’s favorite month?

April, fools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b817n1/what_is_mr_ts_favorite_month/
%
I hate all of you

April fools I love you all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b8140b/i_hate_all_of_you/
%
Biggest Pee Pee

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy  and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when  the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play 'Who's Got  the Biggest Pee Pee'".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy," said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner.
And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed.
Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's.
As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won. Is it because I'm a redneck?"
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b811qx/biggest_pee_pee/
%
Little Johnny was 5 years old and born blind.

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind. One evening as his mother puts him to bed she says to him, "Jonny, tomorrow is a very special day: if you pray extra hard tonight God will grant you the miracle of sight". Super excited, Jonny jumps back out of bed, clasps his hands together and begin to pray, as his mum leaves the room. Just as she is about to close the door Jonny asks, "mum, will God really give me my sight?". "Yes Jonny, but only if you pray extra hard". An hour or so later, the mum pops her head around the door and sees Jonny still praying, "Oh God. Please let me see. I want to see my mummy for the very first time. I am sure that she's the prettiest mummy in the whole wide world." A few more hours later the mother goes into Jonny's room and sees him slumped over the bed, hands still clasped together. She puts him to bed.
The following day the mother gets up early and rushes to her sons room where he's still sleeping. She covers his eyes with her hands and gently wakes him. Super excited Jonny says to his mum, "mummy move your hands, I want to see, I want to see".
"Are you ready Jonny?" The mum replies.
""Yes, yes mummy. Move your hands". So the mother removes her hands. Jonny blinks and opens his eyes. "Mummy, mummy, I still can't see. Oh, mummy does God hate me? Mummy I can't see".
Jonny's mum beams a great big smile and says "April fools".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b80vkz/little_johnny_was_5_years_old_and_born_blind/
%
A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.
The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.
The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!”
The priest says “Do we have time?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b80tl3/a_lawyer_a_priest_and_a_doctor_are_all_on_a_ship/
%
April Fools!

girl: babe I'm pregnant you're the father
guy: can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!
girl: haha! got me! you're not the father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b80qp7/april_fools/
%
An old man has trouble getting it up with his wife...

He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says "I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.
The old man goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems. "I know just the thing," she says, and hands him a potion. "Drink this. When you are ready, just say 'one, two, three.' Your problems will be solved. When you are finished, your partner must say, 'one, two, three, four,' and that will be that. You can only use this potion once every full moon."
Excited to try this new remedy, he runs home. That night, things are starting to get hot and heavy. He turns around and says "one, two three." Just like that, he is hard as a rock, like he was 18 again. He faces his wife, ready to go.
Impressed, his wife stared at him and said, "Wow, that looks great. What did you say 'one, two, three,' for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b80oyc/an_old_man_has_trouble_getting_it_up_with_his_wife/
%
In America some dogs are K-9

In China some dogs are E-10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b80gtl/in_america_some_dogs_are_k9/
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I’ll never get laid with this username because..

I’ll always scare the chicks away....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b80el5/ill_never_get_laid_with_this_username_because/
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People say that I always waste my time in front of the computer

Never seen them since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b80aso/people_say_that_i_always_waste_my_time_in_front/
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Do you know who my father is?

A threat from a rich white kid.
A question from a poor black one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b809dn/do_you_know_who_my_father_is/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b804m7/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ha, feminists can’t change anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b802j1/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I finally found a joke that isn't a repost!

April Fools!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7zz7x/i_finally_found_a_joke_that_isnt_a_repost/
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You can lead a horse to water

But you can't drink a horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7zxzc/you_can_lead_a_horse_to_water/
%
A guy falls in love with a very traditional girl.....

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl, that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission.
"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand"
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7zvg1/a_guy_falls_in_love_with_a_very_traditional_girl/
%
My wife told me to stop acting childish

I told her to get out of my fort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7zrhm/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_acting_childish/
%
What do you call a midget transexual porn?

A microtransaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7zo1i/what_do_you_call_a_midget_transexual_porn/
%
How do drugs get into our prisons?

They’re probably smuggled in by some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7zn1j/how_do_drugs_get_into_our_prisons/
%
A 50 kg woman , 50 kg of feather , and 50 kg of steel ,which one is heavier?

The woman
Because girls lie about their weight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7zmad/a_50_kg_woman_50_kg_of_feather_and_50_kg_of_steel/
%
Who is Victor?

Why is he allowed to write history books when he's so unreliable?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7zg9z/who_is_victor/
%
Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.
One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"
God sighs. "Muslim extremists. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden did it."
His friend leans down and whispers, "Damn, dude. This thing goes way higher up than we ever realized."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7zg6s/two_911_conspiracy_theorists_are_in_a_plane_when/
%
A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl...

He never slept on the train with his mouth open again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7zf57/a_sudden_blowjob_woke_up_young_carl/
%
A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.
So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.
"Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many."
The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.
"Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.".
"I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen."
"Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.
That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.".
"Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7zacm/a_farmer_has_895_sheep/
%
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
And thanks for the gold stranger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7z6z1/a_young_man_was_showing_off_his_new_sports_car_to/
%
God’s assistant: why did you give man two eyes?

God: So he can know how far or close danger is
God’s assistant: why two ears?
God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right
God’s assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won’t help identify location of danger.
God: Yes but wouldn’t it be funny when he won’t know who farted in the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7z330/gods_assistant_why_did_you_give_man_two_eyes/
%
Loan

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7z2ok/loan/
%
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?

Prankenstein!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7z16y/what_monster_plays_the_most_april_fools_jokes/
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I REMEMBER WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE CARDIAC WARD FIGHTING HEART FAILURE.

Now they tell me he was in the children's ward having a stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7z047/i_remember_when_michael_jackson_was_in_the/
%
Little Billy came home from school...

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ywyb/little_billy_came_home_from_school/
%
A lumberjack went to a doctor complaining of back pain and can't carry heavy logs.

He was told he didn't have enough lumber support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ywuc/a_lumberjack_went_to_a_doctor_complaining_of_back/
%
How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.
*They're afraid of change - even if it is to make the world a brighter place.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7yi0y/how_many_conservatives_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Onion vagina

A young woman has a vagina that smells terribly like onion. This makes her sentimal life very hard as she is too ashamed to start a relationship.
One night at a club, she overhears a conversation: a cute guy tells some friends he had an accident, and cannot smell anything anymore. The young woman sees an opportunity, she seduces the guy and bring him to her place.
The boy engages in oral sex. A minute latter he remarks:
-  Your vagina smells terribly like onion!
- How can you tell if you can't smell anything ?
- Indeed but I can't stop crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ygza/onion_vagina/
%
Why Does The Norway Navy Have Barcodes On The Side Of Their Ships?

So When They Come Back To Port They Can
Scandinavian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ybrj/why_does_the_norway_navy_have_barcodes_on_the/
%
Do you know what the African Superman is called?

*"tongue click"* Kent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7y74g/do_you_know_what_the_african_superman_is_called/
%
Why are fireworks so cool?

It’s cause they’re lit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7xyei/why_are_fireworks_so_cool/
%
I’m so good at lucid dreaming

I can do it in my sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7xumj/im_so_good_at_lucid_dreaming/
%
Something inside me tells me my girlfriend.....

... is a transsexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7xpgt/something_inside_me_tells_me_my_girlfriend/
%
Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7xoee/did_you_hear_about_the_surgeon_who_accidentally/
%
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife left him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7x90h/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
You ever hit a speed bump, look back and say...

Well shit that speed bump just barked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7x50y/you_ever_hit_a_speed_bump_look_back_and_say/
%
A polar bear walks into a bar

Bartender: What'll you have? Polar bear: I'll have a gin and...................tonic. Bartender: OK but why the big pause? Polar bear looks down and says: I don't know...i was born with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7x0s7/a_polar_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A guy with short term memory loss walks into a bar.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7wyxw/a_guy_with_short_term_memory_loss_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Wrong number perhaps

A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.
"This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies."
"I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't have a son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7wvhp/wrong_number_perhaps/
%
Nervous wreck

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago,  when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck,  pale hands shaking in fear.
"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.
"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. The people are  crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor  schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as  the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business,  and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14  years and never had the slightest trouble."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've  been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those  years and say its OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a  living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7wv8w/nervous_wreck/
%
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

One

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7wri8/how_many_women_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Just before the flight, the captain turns to his co-pilot and asks "So, why did you want to become a pilot?"

Co-pilot: I wanted to overcome my biggest fear in life.
Captain: And what's that? Fear of heights?
Co-pilot: Dying alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7wpml/just_before_the_flight_the_captain_turns_to_his/
%
What did Aquaman say to Mera when she got new shoes

Water those

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7wnrw/what_did_aquaman_say_to_mera_when_she_got_new/
%
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?

A ban from the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7wlid/what_do_you_get_when_you_inject_a_goat_with_human/
%
Bono, the lead singer of U2 is known for being self-righteous ...

... He is also an A-list rock and roll celebrity.
At a recent concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for complete and utter silence.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audience hostage in total silence. He said into the microphone; "Everytime I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet;
"Well, FUCKING stoop doin ait then, ya evil bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7wk5y/bono_the_lead_singer_of_u2_is_known_for_being/
%
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

to get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7wet8/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
Helicopter Crash

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descend
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!!!"
"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7wa0t/helicopter_crash/
%
How do you assemble a computer?

Bit by bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7w9wc/how_do_you_assemble_a_computer/
%
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7w89a/what_is_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room...

He said, "Thanks". I said, "Don't mention it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7w5zo/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
Little Johnny was in math class

The class was learning subtraction with big numbers today, and the teacher decided to use money as the unit of measurement. Johnny hadn't been paying much attention, so the teacher called on him, "Little Johnny, if you start with $1000 and gave $150 to Lucy, $150 to Suzy and $200 to Brittany, what would you have?"
"Well I'd have $500 left over after a very expensive Orgy, sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7w1f0/little_johnny_was_in_math_class/
%
As a married man, I always get the last word in a conversation or argument with my wife.

Those words are usually, "Yes dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7vzym/as_a_married_man_i_always_get_the_last_word_in_a/
%
A doctor who was proud of his degrees...

always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.
One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the emergency room.
He came to as they got him to the emergency room, and that's when the nurse on staff told him "it appears you have suffered from first, second, and third degree burns."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7vyyh/a_doctor_who_was_proud_of_his_degrees/
%
Pirate builder: Captain, your ship is built.

Pirate Captain: Planks a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7vxnr/pirate_builder_captain_your_ship_is_built/
%
What's the difference between me and a carpet?

A carpet will get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7vwsl/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_carpet/
%
I felt sorry for the hypnotist....

I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys... then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME!" What happened next will haunt me the for the rest of my life...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7vwlw/i_felt_sorry_for_the_hypnotist/
%
What do you call a Italian sex worker

A pastitute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7vuag/what_do_you_call_a_italian_sex_worker/
%
Why don't junkies like a good male protagonist in a story?

Because they prefer heroine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7vrqx/why_dont_junkies_like_a_good_male_protagonist_in/
%
What kind of women do firemen get?

only Hose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7vq4z/what_kind_of_women_do_firemen_get/
%
I hate Australian redditors...

...mainly because they love everything I say on Reddit and try to upvote me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7uuzy/i_hate_australian_redditors/
%
Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.

First woman: "My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me."
Second woman: "I know."
First one: "How?"
Second one: "My dog told me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ut7v/two_women_who_are_dog_owners_are_arguing_which/
%
A guy says to his buddy, "I'm thinking about buying a labrador."

His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7urqf/a_guy_says_to_his_buddy_im_thinking_about_buying/
%
A Democrat walks into a bar

He asks the bartender, "What's your most popular drink?"
Bartender replies, "a Russian Collusion".
The Democrat responds "I'll have one of those."
The bartender then gives him an empty glass and says "enjoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7upqv/a_democrat_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Whats the similarity between dark jokes and children with cancer

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ugtu/whats_the_similarity_between_dark_jokes_and/
%
Hey girl . . .

. . . Are your parents bakers?
Cause' you look a little inbred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ueql/hey_girl/
%
What did the egg say to the cup of boiling water?

Sorry it’s gonna take me a minute to get hard I just got laid by a chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7u0um/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_cup_of_boiling_water/
%
I taught a wolf to meditate

Now he’s aware wolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7tzgh/i_taught_a_wolf_to_meditate/
%
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid

One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7tymh/two_cannibals_were_eating_an_entitled_kid/
%
How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken  vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.
It will start sucking right away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7tvp1/how_to_fix_a_broken_vacuum/
%
I buried my best friend yesterday

I have a feeling that would have been easier if he were dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ttag/i_buried_my_best_friend_yesterday/
%
What do you call a cow that can't give milk?

A milk dud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7topy/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_cant_give_milk/
%
What did the girl do when she saw Ed?

Sheeran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7tgzb/what_did_the_girl_do_when_she_saw_ed/
%
Two dicks

I walked past a K9 police unit ghe other day and said to my girlfriend: Look, this doggy is walking around with two dicks.
To my credit, both policemen checked under the doggo before attempting to chase me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7tds7/two_dicks/
%
Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE.

You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7t8km/someone_should_make_a_movie_about_an_old_robot/
%
I like my women like i like my toasters

Turned on and in the bath tub with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7sxp9/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_toasters/
%
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are exploring the jungle ->

When one day, they come across a native tribe, the tribe is pointing bows and arrows at them, and the 3 men are taken into the village.
The chief of the village says "I'm not going to kill you, and we're not hungry, if you give us entertainment we will set you free!"
So he says, "I want all 3 of you to go out and find 8 fruits."
The Englishman gets back to the village, and the chief says, "I want you to stick those fruits into your bottom while you stare at me, and don't laugh!"
The Englishman sticks all 8 cashew nuts into his bum, one by one, and he keeps a straight face.
The scotsman comes back with 8 grapes, and the chief asked the same thing, the scotsman puts 6 grapes into his bum, holding a straight face, the he puts the 7th one in, and bursts out laughing.
The cheif says "What?? You were doing well! Why'd you laugh!!"
The scotsman replies "My friends walking over with pineapples! HAHA"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7sx67/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_are/
%
*Destruction: 100*

Wife: I’m pregnant
Me: Hey pregnant, I’m dad
Wife: No you’re not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7sutb/destruction_100/
%
If horse racing is the "sport of kings"

is drag racing the sport of queens?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7stpa/if_horse_racing_is_the_sport_of_kings/
%
Why did the weatherman blush?

He saw the climate change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7sni3/why_did_the_weatherman_blush/
%
What do you call a smart idiot?

An oxymoron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7smyc/what_do_you_call_a_smart_idiot/
%
My Jobs—

I became a Velcro salesman, but I couldn't stick with it. I tried my hand at a career in tennis, but it wasn't my racket—I was too high strung. I was a masseur for a while, but I rubbed people the wrong way. I got a job at a pool company, but the work was too draining. I was a historian, but I couldn't see a future in it. I took a job as an elevator operator—the job had its ups and downs, and I got the shaft. I took a job at UPS, but I couldn't express myself. I became a banker, but I lacked interest and maturity, and finally withdrew from the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7sjou/my_jobs/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7sjls/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
At my last job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure...

I said I didnt know that one but I could have a go a boheimien rhapsody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7sisl/at_my_last_job_interview_i_was_asked_if_i_could/
%
We can all agree that segregation was wrong and separate but equal was horrible. But we can all agree it works wonders...

On eyebrows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7sils/we_can_all_agree_that_segregation_was_wrong_and/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A porcupine's pricks are on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7shhv/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
%
I had a disagreement with my girlfriend while she was pmsing

She:" You better stop fighting. You know what I'm capable of right?"
Me: Yes..bloodshed.
Period jokes are not funny. Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7sgsa/i_had_a_disagreement_with_my_girlfriend_while_she/
%
Viagra warns you too go see a doctor if you’ve had an erection for more than four hours.

After four hours, the last person I want to see is a doctor.
-my favorite joke my grandfather has ever told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7sfb9/viagra_warns_you_too_go_see_a_doctor_if_youve_had/
%
That weird middle eastern guy insisted on giving me a ride home

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7sf7d/that_weird_middle_eastern_guy_insisted_on_giving/
%
Where do naughty rainbows go?

Prism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7sdqe/where_do_naughty_rainbows_go/
%
What has four legs and one arm?

A pitbull returning from a kids playground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7san3/what_has_four_legs_and_one_arm/
%
As the robber was standing in my house I begged once more, "Please, I have three children and a wife!"

He answered: "For the last time dude i'm not going to shoot you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7s9nm/as_the_robber_was_standing_in_my_house_i_begged/
%
A son asks his dad, "Tell me a joke!"

And his dad replies, "Pussy!"
The son tells him, "I don't get it..."
And his dad says, "I know you don't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7s8oc/a_son_asks_his_dad_tell_me_a_joke/
%
I like my coffee like I like my slaves:

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7s13m/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
A drunken sailor gives a hooker $200, and they proceed to a back bedroom...

After a few minutes, the sailor asks, "How'm I doin'?"
"About three knots," says the hooker.
"Three knots?" asks the sailor. "Whaddya mean?"
And the hooker says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ry13/a_drunken_sailor_gives_a_hooker_200_and_they/
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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On a bull, the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7rwff/whats_the_difference_between_an_orchestra_and_a/
%
A redneck suffered a nasty fall...

So he visited a physician and sought treatment.
“Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained,” the doctor said.
The redneck happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7rq65/a_redneck_suffered_a_nasty_fall/
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Why does the library have so many floors?

CAUSE IT'S FULL OF STORIES!!!
I'm so sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7rpfa/why_does_the_library_have_so_many_floors/
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3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park...

Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...
Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?
Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.
The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...
Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?
Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head
This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says...
Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH
Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7rovl/3_girls_and_thier_mother_were_walking_through_a/
%
What do you call a deaf gynaecologist?

A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7rlo0/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynaecologist/
%
I walked into my doctors appointment and he said pick a star sign. I said Capricorn

He said no you’ve got Cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7rl57/i_walked_into_my_doctors_appointment_and_he_said/
%
i hate tacos

said no juan ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7rhee/i_hate_tacos/
%
Knock knock. Who's there? Confused chicken. Confused chicken who?

Moo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7rbj5/knock_knock_whos_there_confused_chicken_confused/
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What’s a Mexican prostitute with no legs called?

Cuntswaylow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7r9yr/whats_a_mexican_prostitute_with_no_legs_called/
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George Lucas announced that he'd like to make several changes to The Phantom Menace.

But I say let's let Qui-gons be Qui-gons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7r51b/george_lucas_announced_that_hed_like_to_make/
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What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7r3r6/what_is_the_difference_between_michael_jackson/
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7r2ob/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
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A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday...

He went to an expensive boutique, bought
the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have
them delivered along with a note he had written.  Unfortunately,
the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise.
Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wrapped a
pair of panties and sent them to the young man's sweetheart along
with the following note which he had written.
Darling:
I have been trying desperately to come up with a special
gift for your birthday.  I chose these because I noticed that you
are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but since your
sister wears the short ones which are so easy to remove, I wanted
to get the same style for you.
You may be concerned that these are a delicate shade, however,
the saleslady showed me a pair that she had been wearing for
three weeks and they were hardly soiled.  She said that there are
a couple of important care considerations that I should mention
to you.  First, when you take them off, remember to blow in them
before putting them away since they will naturally be a little
damp from wearing.  Second, be sure to keep them on while
cleaning them so that they won't shrink.
The saleslady made such an impression upon me that I had her try
them on for me.  She really looked great in them and I can just
imagine how great they are going to look on you.  I decided to
mail these so that you would have them in time for your birthday.
I really hesitated because I wanted so much to be there to watch
you put them on for the first time.  There is little doubt in my
mind that many other hands will have touched them before I see
you again.  I can hardly wait to run my own hands over them or do
as the French do, and gently kiss them.  I hope you really like
them and will wear them for me on Friday night.
p.s.  The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7r2iu/a_young_man_wanted_to_buy_a_pair_of_expensive/
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How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7r212/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_during_sex/
%
I have a fetish for bikes riding on top of me

I guess I'm a cycle path

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7qtv6/i_have_a_fetish_for_bikes_riding_on_top_of_me/
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What do you call a blind priest’s bible?

The Holy Braille

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7qi5o/what_do_you_call_a_blind_priests_bible/
%
Chuck Norris was dropped twice as a baby.

We know them today as Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7qhsi/chuck_norris_was_dropped_twice_as_a_baby/
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Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7qh1q/why_do_women_pay_more_attention_to_their/
%
Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.
“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”
“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”
Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, the host says, “Sorry, no pets allowed.”
“Can’t you see?” says Jim. “I am blind. This is my Seeing Eye dog.”
“But it’s a Doberman pinscher. Who uses a Doberman pinscher as a Seeing Eye dog?” the host asks.
“Oh,” Jim responds, “you must not have heard. This is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog. They do a very good job.”
Seeing that it worked, John tries walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he can open his mouth, the host says, “Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog.”
John responds angrily, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7qeax/two_men_jim_and_john_are_walking_their_dogs_when/
%
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7qe4b/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
%
A Teacher is giving out candy and the students are trying to guess the flavor.

No one can figure it out so the teacher gives a hint. "It's what your mother sometimes calls your father" The students look around for a minute and timmy in the back yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S ASSHOLE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7qcpo/a_teacher_is_giving_out_candy_and_the_students/
%
Three old friends, all with very bad hearing, meet on the corner.

“Isn’t it windy?” the first man asks.
“No,” says the second, “it’s Thursday.”
“Agreed,” says the third man, “let’s go grab a beer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7q5un/three_old_friends_all_with_very_bad_hearing_meet/
%
'You remind me of a stallion,' said my wife.

'Big cock?' I said, smiling, rather flattered.
'No, you leave your shit everywhere,' she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7px57/you_remind_me_of_a_stallion_said_my_wife/
%
What do pussy and the Russian mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Source: "The OA" Part II, Episode 8, 5:30

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7pu1x/what_do_pussy_and_the_russian_mafia_have_in_common/
%
'You seem happier in summer,' said my wife.

I said, 'Well, she's my favourite hooker.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ptkf/you_seem_happier_in_summer_said_my_wife/
%
A kiss will make your whole day

Anal will make your hole weak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7pssr/a_kiss_will_make_your_whole_day/
%
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
The recommended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God".
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
Don't refer to Jesus Christ and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7pjvk/a_new_priest_at_his_first_mass_was_so_nervous_he/
%
A blind man walks into the bakery

and asks for 8 poppy seed breads. While the baker gathers them for him, he asks: are you expecting any visitors? No, replies the blind man. But I’m going on vacation, and they have such lovely story’s written on them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7pjgt/a_blind_man_walks_into_the_bakery/
%
A man and his wife are walking in a mall, and the man realizes that his wife has disappeared...

The man walks to a woman outside the nearest store and says, “I need to talk to you, I can’t find my wife”. The woman responds, “I’ll help you, but how is talking to me going to solve anything?”. The man replies, “my wife usually comes back when she sees me talking to strange women”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7p9oe/a_man_and_his_wife_are_walking_in_a_mall_and_the/
%
What did the peanut say when the almond tried to pick a fight with it?

Cashew outside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7p7z5/what_did_the_peanut_say_when_the_almond_tried_to/
%
A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.
“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”
“My wife.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7p3tc/a_man_was_staggering_home_drunk_in_the_early/
%
On the exam today, i was asked the past tense of think

I thought for a while and finally wrote thinked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7p2cb/on_the_exam_today_i_was_asked_the_past_tense_of/
%
I went to wake up my parents and accidentally stepped on my moms bra.

It was a boobie trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7oyrr/i_went_to_wake_up_my_parents_and_accidentally/
%
The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake

She still isn’t talking to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7oymr/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her_the/
%
What’s an image editor’s favourite country?

Ireland.
It’s royalty free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7oxmu/whats_an_image_editors_favourite_country/
%
The Phone Call

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7otet/the_phone_call/
%
What’s the difference between a warm yam and a thrown pig?

One is a heated yam, the other is a yeeted ham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7os7b/whats_the_difference_between_a_warm_yam_and_a/
%
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, one muffin says, "wow it's getting hot in here!"

The second muffin says "oh my god a talking muffin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7oqbf/two_muffins_were_sitting_in_an_oven_one_muffin/
%
[NSFW] Women are like parking spaces

Usually all the best ones are taken, so when nobody’s looking, stick it in the disabled one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7op5d/nsfw_women_are_like_parking_spaces/
%
What do you call a boxer who does the cleaning?

Mike Dyson!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7oo76/what_do_you_call_a_boxer_who_does_the_cleaning/
%
A store manager watches from a distance as a salesperson argues with a customer.

After a few minutes, the customer storms out of the store.
“I saw what just happened,” the manager says, “and I guess you’ve forgotten my motto of ‘the customer is always right.’”
“I know,” the salesperson says, “but . . .”
“No buts,” says the manager. “The customer is always right.”
“Fine,” responds the salesperson.
“What were you two arguing about?” the manager asks.
The salesperson answers, “He called you an idiot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ojqx/a_store_manager_watches_from_a_distance_as_a/
%
A scientist named Nick asked his colleague about what was smelling here.

"Arsenic", he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ogei/a_scientist_named_nick_asked_his_colleague_about/
%
Trump wants to go to the moon within the next 5 years.

If everyone donates a dollar, we can shoot him up today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7o5p5/trump_wants_to_go_to_the_moon_within_the_next_5/
%
Today an old lady at the bank asked me to help her check her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7o102/today_an_old_lady_at_the_bank_asked_me_to_help/
%
I call my dick “the five dollar foot long”

And just like the sandwiches, it’s a product name and is in no way indicative of the size

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7nux3/i_call_my_dick_the_five_dollar_foot_long/
%
If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7nsq9/if_your_phone_auto_corrects_fuck_to_duck_its_okay/
%
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

For fingering a minor (key)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7nrp9/why_did_the_guitar_teacher_get_arrested/
%
A teacher asks her student where the English Channel is located.

“I’m not sure,” the student answers, “we switched cable companies last month.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7njnb/a_teacher_asks_her_student_where_the_english/
%
I was about to tell a joke about Alzheimer

Then I remembered that it's not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7nhi7/i_was_about_to_tell_a_joke_about_alzheimer/
%
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ng9a/when_i_lost_my_rifle_the_army_charged_me_85/
%
Mickey mouse gets a call from his lawyer.

The lawyer tell him "Mickey, im sorry, you cant divorce minnie just because she's crazy".
Mickey says "I didnt say she was crazy, I said she was fucking goofy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7nepd/mickey_mouse_gets_a_call_from_his_lawyer/
%
I named my WiFi network after my wife.

They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ncer/i_named_my_wifi_network_after_my_wife/
%
Possessio is nine tenths

of the word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7nbkz/possessio_is_nine_tenths/
%
A seductive man walks into a bar and sees a pretty woman.

"Waiter, offer a drink to that girl", the gallant gentleman asked.
"Dude, it's a waste of time. She's a lesbian", the waiter replied.
"Lesbian? But from what region of Lesbia?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7nafc/a_seductive_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a/
%
I’ve got an old project car that I named after my wife.

I haven’t turned her on in years, now it usually takes a garage full of men to get her motor running.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7n8us/ive_got_an_old_project_car_that_i_named_after_my/
%
Chuck Norris threw a grenade that killed 15 people

Then it exploded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7n6p0/chuck_norris_threw_a_grenade_that_killed_15_people/
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What do you call someone who doesn't like The Simpsons?

Homerphobic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7n6dl/what_do_you_call_someone_who_doesnt_like_the/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar

When the Englishman wanted to leave everybody had to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7n55e/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_walk/
%
Why did the condom cross the road?

It got pissed off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7n1pw/why_did_the_condom_cross_the_road/
%
Little Johnny

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day
Does anyone know another word.
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
Ok Mike, what is your word.
Saturday. says, Mike.
Great, that has three syllables.
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says " I know a four syllable word, pick me....."
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K.
Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful"
No Maam, your thinking of blow job, and that's only two syllables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7my4u/little_johnny/
%
Two boys were arguing in the street day...

...and the village priest walked by and heard their squabbling over what to call an animal.
"No, no, no" said Johnny. "Its a mule. My daddy said you call it a mule. Daddy said it's called a mule, hes the smartest man I know, you call it a mule!"
"Well I dont care what your daddy says," retorted Billy. "My grandpa says it's called a burro, and HE is the smartest man I know!"
At this point the boys saw the priest and, recognizing the wisdom of a man of the cloth, asked him to settle the debate once and for all.
"Well boys," said the good Father, "to tell ye the truth, you're both wrong! That animal, in the holy Scriptures, is called neither a mule nor a burro, but an ass."
Satisfied with the pronouncement that the 4 legged beast of burden should be titled an "ass," all 3 parties went on their way. They didnt meet until several months later, when the priest encountered the boys by the side of the road, digging a large hole, tears dripping from their eyes.
"Morning there, boys. My, that's quite something you've dug! What is it, a foxhole?"
"No sir," said Billy, choking back tears. "It ain't no foxhole. Leastaways, not according to Scripture!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7mxjd/two_boys_were_arguing_in_the_street_day/
%
What was the cow who was knighted called?

Sirloin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7mtg8/what_was_the_cow_who_was_knighted_called/
%
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.

Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7mq9l/everyone_keeps_telling_me_im_the_worst_mailman/
%
Three cowboys were sitting round the campfire

The first cowboy says “ I’m the hardest cowboy in the world, I was riding my horse one day when a bull came charging at me, so I jumped off my horse and wrestled him to the ground with my bare hands!”
The second cowboy says “ nah, I’m the hardest cowboy in the world, one day I was riding my horse when a rattler struck at us, so I jumped off my horse grabbed the snake, bit off his head and drank the venom, I’m the hardest cowboy in the world!”
The third cowboy just say quietly stoking the fire with his cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7mp54/three_cowboys_were_sitting_round_the_campfire/
%
I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with

She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7mn4z/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_shed_been/
%
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7mms2/did_you_hear_about_the_actor_who_fell_through_the/
%
What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?

''Put it on my bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7mjye/what_did_the_duck_say_when_she_bought_lipstick/
%
Imagine being on Reddit for 2 years...

And and only getting a lousy cake.
Why can't I have a doughnut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7mj5w/imagine_being_on_reddit_for_2_years/
%
A photon checks into a hotel.

\- Do you need help with your luggage, sir?
\- No, i'm travelling light.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7mir7/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
%
One cow asks another cow, “Are you afraid of mad cow disease?”

The other cow says, “Why should I be? I’m a helicopter.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7mgac/one_cow_asks_another_cow_are_you_afraid_of_mad/
%
At the beginning of Naruto, the three main characters existed in a 'love square'.

Naruto loves Sakura, Sakura loves Sasuke, Sasuke loves nobody, and nobody loves Naruto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7me9v/at_the_beginning_of_naruto_the_three_main/
%
What's the worst part about amputation?

It cost a arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7mdmh/whats_the_worst_part_about_amputation/
%
A man and woman had been married for years...

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7mboi/a_man_and_woman_had_been_married_for_years/
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I once tried to kill myself by hanging from the ceiling with a noose around my neck. I was unsure if it would work.

The suspense was killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7m7ko/i_once_tried_to_kill_myself_by_hanging_from_the/
%
If at first you don't succeed

Don't try skydiving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7lxq3/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
Why didn't the cow cross the road?

He didn't want to brisket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7lx7p/why_didnt_the_cow_cross_the_road/
%
Last night my wife served me something for dinner that was so foul

I gave it to the dog and he licked his arse to get the taste out of his mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7lvv1/last_night_my_wife_served_me_something_for_dinner/
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I have just been crushed by a huge pile of books

I've only my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7lu4q/i_have_just_been_crushed_by_a_huge_pile_of_books/
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Why couldn't Superman find the local playground as a kid?

Adult supervision was required

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ltfl/why_couldnt_superman_find_the_local_playground_as/
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If i had a penny for every Donald Trump joke made right now

I would have a pence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7loag/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_donald_trump_joke_made/
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I was going to show you a video about a drill machine digging a tunnel.

But it's too boreing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7lnpo/i_was_going_to_show_you_a_video_about_a_drill/
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After Generation Z, the next generation should be called generation AA

It would fit even better because they will be the generation to grow up with batteries inside everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7lnlk/after_generation_z_the_next_generation_should_be/
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Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms.
Knock knock
Whos there?
Not Sally.
What did Sally get for Christmas?
We don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.
What did Sally get for her birthday?
Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7lmnr/why_did_sally_fall_off_the_swing/
%
Why did the road cross the drunk chicken

Or was it the other way around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ljyd/why_did_the_road_cross_the_drunk_chicken/
%
When she says "I want a boyfriend exactly like you, but not you.", which zone am I in?

For example zone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7lj2k/when_she_says_i_want_a_boyfriend_exactly_like_you/
%
Why did the pervert cross the road?

His cock was stuck in the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7lgl6/why_did_the_pervert_cross_the_road/
%
What goes up must come down. But what doesn’t?

Gas prices

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7lei7/what_goes_up_must_come_down_but_what_doesnt/
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Flat Earthers say we’ve never truly seen real pictures of the earth

but I’ve never seen my dad and I know he’s real

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ldqj/flat_earthers_say_weve_never_truly_seen_real/
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A lemonade seller and the businessman.

A lemonade seller was standing in the hot sun selling lemonade. A customer, who is a businessman approached him and asked him the prices.
"$3 for a full glass, $30 for 5 empty ones."
Astonished, the businessman asks him, "What is that supposed to mean?" The seller remained silent.
After giving it a thought for a while, the customer bought 5 full glasses of lemonade, giving the seller $15 (3×5). He drank all of them quickly and showed the seller 5 empty glasses, "I got 5 empty glasses only for $15, though the cost is $30. You see, what dirty tricks we businessmen are capable of!"
The poor lemonade seller says, "Sir, I am an entrepreneur. You see I made you buy 5 glasses for no reason at all?"
Edit : Ignore bad grammar please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ld9i/a_lemonade_seller_and_the_businessman/
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This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog.  We laughed a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7l57f/this_morning_i_saw_a_neighbor_talking_to_her_cat/
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So a neutron walks into a bar

The neutron asks the bartender how much for a drink. Bartender says "For you no charge".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7l4xx/so_a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
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Coming from a Chinese person, Trump's wall totally works.

I can confirm there are no Mexicans in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7l4g0/coming_from_a_chinese_person_trumps_wall_totally/
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A magician is performing for the crew of a ship.

A magician is performing for a crew on a ship, each performance he does the ships captain comes with his parrot. But his parrot always ruins the trick by saying “ It’s in his sleeve!” Or “it’s In his hat!” One day the magician got fed up with the parrot, and during one of his performances he took out a revolver and shot at the parrot. He missed it and hit a propane tank which blew up the entire ship.
The only two survivors were the magician and the parrot who were both floating on driftwood.
The parrot then said “ alright you got me, where’s the damn ship?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7l3yq/a_magician_is_performing_for_the_crew_of_a_ship/
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Earlier today, while I was leaving the supermarket, a guy came in crying and in a mess. He told me he lost his rent money in the supermarket and has no way to pay the rent now.

I felt so bad for him, so I gave him $100 from the $1500 I found

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7kzz3/earlier_today_while_i_was_leaving_the_supermarket/
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A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil.

It turned into a Chris Pratt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7kzys/a_rodent_fell_into_a_vat_of_hot_cooking_oil/
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So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon

The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7kwuu/so_i_decided_to_build_a_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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To the man with no legs who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide but you can’t run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7kwnw/to_the_man_with_no_legs_who_stole_my_camouflage/
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Doctor: Sir you have a very rare disease.

Patient: How rare is it?
Doctor: You pick the name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7kwhz/doctor_sir_you_have_a_very_rare_disease/
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Theresa May to host new game show!

Neither Deal Nor No Deal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7kr5h/theresa_may_to_host_new_game_show/
%
If you ever feel lonely, watch a scary movie

Then you won't feel so lonely anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7kput/if_you_ever_feel_lonely_watch_a_scary_movie/
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Kids I play with love peek-a-boo!

Except they get happy when I hide and sad when I appear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7kpk5/kids_i_play_with_love_peekaboo/
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"Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*
Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*
Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*
Janice: *"Great!  That should not be a problem.  So what is your current plan?"*
Daniel: *"To watch a lot of porn."*
Janice: *"Oh my god, no!  I mean, what is your package?"*
Daniel: *"Small but eager to please."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7kp74/thank_you_for_contacting_xfinity_internet_my_name/
%
NSFW A lady was queueing up at the donating line at a sperm bank.

A helper goes up to her and tells her:"Ma'am, you are queueing in the wrong line. This is the line to donate sperms."
The woman stares at him for a second. She then points at her mouth and goes:"Mmm! Mmm!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7km8h/nsfw_a_lady_was_queueing_up_at_the_donating_line/
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The Drummer, who had never touched a groupie

So there was this rock 'n roll band and, as it is often the case with rock 'n roll bands, the drummer was considered hottest by the female fanbase. Weirdly enough however, he had never slept with any groupie.
So, one day, the band's manager walks into his dressing room and asks him "So what's the deal with you not sleeping with any of the groupies, are you gay or something?" "No, no" the drummer explains "it's just that I'm embarrassed to walk into a pharmacy and buy a condom."
The band manager facepalms but decides to help the poor guy out and says to him "Ok, here's what you are going to do; go to the pharmacy tonight, wait until it's just you and the pharmacist, whip your thing out, put it on the counter and put a $10 bill next to it. The pharmacist will figure out what to do from then on. And I want you to bed a groupie tonight"
So the next morning, bright and early, the manager starts pacing in front of the drummer's door. Finally the drummer comes out and the manager is all over him "So, did you have sex?" The drummer sighs and says, "No". The manager is shocked "What the hell do you mean no!? Did you do what I told you?" "Yes" "So what happened?" "Well I went to the pharmacy, waited until it was just me and the pharmacist. I then whipped my thing out and placed it on the counter and I placed the $10 next to it" "Aaaand?" "Well, the pharmacist whipped his out, his was bigger and he took my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ki1m/the_drummer_who_had_never_touched_a_groupie/
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What is it called when a prostitute finishes a blowjob?

A sucksex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7kgzp/what_is_it_called_when_a_prostitute_finishes_a/
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A reporter walks up to Jussie Smollett

“Mr Jussie, how do you pronounce your last name?  Is it SMOL-let or smol-LETT?”
Jussie: “Is that really all you wanted to ask me?”
“Yes, sir.  It’s the only thing we aren’t 100% certain of, and the only answer we would believe.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7k8n9/a_reporter_walks_up_to_jussie_smollett/
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What do you say to an angry woman sitting at a sewing machine?

You seem stressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7k3ti/what_do_you_say_to_an_angry_woman_sitting_at_a/
%
What's the difference between a good joke and

a bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7jxpk/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
%
Me and my one arm girlfriend went shopping together and passed a second hand store. She asked if we could go in.

I told her she won’t find what she’s looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7jx57/me_and_my_one_arm_girlfriend_went_shopping/
%
What did Tommy Wiseau get on his exam?

High mark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7jvax/what_did_tommy_wiseau_get_on_his_exam/
%
Where does Justin Timberlake like to go canoeing?

Crimea river

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ju4p/where_does_justin_timberlake_like_to_go_canoeing/
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Why does May come after April?

Because that's when Parliament is *really* gonna fuck her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7jpb5/why_does_may_come_after_april/
%
Guy tells a bartender, “I’ll bet you 100 bucks ...

Guy tells a bartender, “I’ll bet you 100 bucks I can pee in this cup from five feet away without missing a drop.” The bartender takes the bet.
The man misses horribly, hitting pretty much everything except the cup.
The bartender laughs and the man pays him the money.
Then the bartender sees the man’s friends laughing by the pool table, and he asks the man what is so funny.
The man says, “I bet them 1,000 bucks I would pee all over your bar and you wouldn’t try to stop me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7jmzx/guy_tells_a_bartender_ill_bet_you_100_bucks/
%
What's big and green, brown and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, it would certainly kill you?

A pool table... (A billiards table)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7jjrr/whats_big_and_green_brown_and_fuzzy_and_if_it/
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April and Sunday School

I’m not sure if this is original, but my buddy texted me it.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7jg8i/april_and_sunday_school/
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At a costume party- Guy: What are you? Girl: I’m a Harp Guy: that looks a little big to be a harp.

Girl: Are you calling me a Lyre?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7j7eh/at_a_costume_party_guy_what_are_you_girl_im_a/
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Why can’t you make jokes about maizes?

They’ll always be corny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7j6lu/why_cant_you_make_jokes_about_maizes/
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What rock group has 4 members who don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7j4os/what_rock_group_has_4_members_who_dont_sing/
%
One day the commissar was inspecting a potato farm in the Soviet Union and asked the farmer how his yields were.

The farmer said “Oh commissar, the potatoes are so bountiful that together they can reach the foot of God.” The commissar stopped and said “Have you forgotten your communist teachings!? There is no God!” To which the farmer said “Exactly, that’s why there’s no potatoes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7iyet/one_day_the_commissar_was_inspecting_a_potato/
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Wanna watch a movie with my girlfriend & need recommendations...

... on how to get a girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7iwbf/wanna_watch_a_movie_with_my_girlfriend_need/
%
One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

Then I realized my whole life was a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7imcx/one_day_i_changed_a_lightbulb_crossed_the_road/
%
A 6 year old little boy was sitting at the dinner table with his family.

He had never spoken his entire life, despite years of speech-therapy and other efforts from his parents.
He starts eating his dinner, suddenly stops, and looks right at his mom.
“You burnt the fucking beans”.  He said
His parents couldn’t believe their ears.
“Johnny!!  You’ve never spoken your entire life!  Why did you decide to suddenly start!?”
“Well” Johnny replied, “everything was pretty good up until now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ilyo/a_6_year_old_little_boy_was_sitting_at_the_dinner/
%
I a guy gets out of prison and heads to the local brothel, but only has two dollars to his name. Knowing it’s not much he goes in anyway.....

To his surprise the madam says, “We have something for every price.” She takes his two dollars and instructs him to go up the stairs to the second door on the right. He goes up, opens the door and finds a brightly lit room. As his eyes adjust he sees a chicken strutting around. He says to himself, “I’m not having sex with a chicken even if it was just two bucks.” However, as the chicken strutted some more, he thought about how long it had been, and reluctantly proceeded to have his way with it.  Upon finishing he sheepishly walks down stairs and the madam asks, “How was it?” He replied, “Better than expected, but I’ll be back when I have more money.” She said, “Come back anytime, we have something for every budget, and if you thought that was good, imagine what our best girls are like?” A week passed and after getting barely enough money to eat, he had 50 cents to his name. He thought about the madams promise of something for every budget. He walks in, and tells her about how he’s only got two quarters to his name. She assures him it’s no problem, takes the change, and tells him to go upstairs to the first door on the right. He walks up the stairs and opens the door to a dark room. He walks in and trips over several guys telling him to watch his step. He looks through a well lit window at an old man having sex with a goat. He shakes his head and says, “I don’t care if it was just 50 cents, no way in hell I’m going to sit here and watch a man have sex with a goat.” Another voice in the room spoke up and said, “You should have been here last week, you could have seen a guy fuck a chicken.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ij6m/i_a_guy_gets_out_of_prison_and_heads_to_the_local/
%
After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.
He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave him the death sentence.
The day finally comes and he enters the electric chair room. They ask for his last meal and he asks for one banana. He eats the banana and goes to the chair. They shock him but somehow after the shock he's still alive.
Everyone in the room is like "Oh wow he lived, welp i guess we'll let him go." So off he goes back into the world (with a really poor legal system). He decides that he still wants to be a train conductor.
So he goes back to being one, he's so confident nothing will go wrong this time. Aaaand then he crashed again, killing even more people.
He went back to court again and of course the judge gave him the death sentence.
He goes back into the death chamber he was once in, and this time for his last meal he asks for just two bananas. He eats them and goes to the chair. They really dont want him to live so they push the electricity even higher this time. However once again he lives. Everyone in the room is so astonished they dont do anything when he walks out.
So this absolute madman decides to conduct trains again. What do you know he messes up again. So he goes to court and all that and he's back in the death chamber. When they ask what he wants for his final meal he says that he wants three bananas. They say "No you can't have your bananas, every time you've had them you survive the execution."
They don't give him his bananas or any other choice for a last meal and throw him into the chair. They crank the electricity up to full power and sparks fly everywhere, the room is filled with smoke. When the smoke clears, he's just sitting there smiling, unscathed. They're so confused and even scared, they ask him how he somehow survived a dose of electricity that should kill anything it touches. His answer?
"Well really im just not a good conductor."
Sorry for the long and probably badly written joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7igmj/after_finally_turning_old_enough_a_life_long/
%
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to one another on a plane...

The lawyer looks at the blonde and thinks he could have a bit of fun at her expense.
So he goes: “Miss, let’s play a game, I’ll ask you a question. Any question, and if you don’t know the answer you’ll give me $20. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer I’ll give you $100!” She thinks for a second and agrees.
So he goes: “Alright, what’s the capital of Germany?” She thinks for a bit and goes: “ hmm I don’t know”; and gives him a $20. So he goes: “Alright blondie, ask away.” So she goes: “What has three stripes, three legs, three arms, three tongues, and growls at the moon??”
The lawyer perplexed that such a creature even exists thinks for a long time, thinks some more and after several guesses reluctantly goes: “Alright blondie I give up”; gives her $100, “what the hell is this thing??” She looks at him hands him a $20 and goes, “How the fuck should I know!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7i7qu/a_lawyer_and_a_blonde_are_sitting_next_to_one/
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I like the way you think...

The teacher asks her class "if there are 5 pigeons on the wall and we shoot one, how many pigeons are left?"
Little Johnny jumps up and shouts "NO PIGEONS LEFT BECAUSE THE GUNSHOT SOUND WOULD SCARE THEM AWAY"
The teacher replies "good answer however, there would be 4 pigeons left on the wall because one would die but... I like the way you think!"
The teacher is about to move onto the next question when Little Johnny interrupts the teacher and asks if he can ask a question too, the teacher nods and Little Johnny asks...
"There are 3 woman by the ice cream van. One is sucking her ice cream, one is biting her ice cream and one is licking her ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, going all red in embarrassment, reluctantly blurts out "the one that is sucking the ice cream"
Johnny replies "Actually no, it's the one with a ring on her finger... But I like the way you think"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7i72q/i_like_the_way_you_think/
%
A little girl looks into her closet and talks to the monster that lives in there.....

She asks him "Closet Monster, when are you ever going to come out of the closet?"
The monster replies "How many times must I tell you? I'm not gay!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7i48b/a_little_girl_looks_into_her_closet_and_talks_to/
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Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Because Ken came in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7i2qh/why_isnt_there_a_pregnant_barbie_doll/
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A man is sitting at the bar, his head in his hands.

“Bartender: What’s the matter buddy?
Man: It’s the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.
Bartender: Oh man that really sucks! What did you do?
Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out!
Bartender: What about your best friend?
Man: I looked him straight in the eyes and said BAD DOG!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7i2a4/a_man_is_sitting_at_the_bar_his_head_in_his_hands/
%
Memory problems are no joke

Because you forget the punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7i1sa/memory_problems_are_no_joke/
%
What do you call a transgender whale?

Maby Dik

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7i0cq/what_do_you_call_a_transgender_whale/
%
If a joke's over your head it's a "whoosh". But if a joke crashes and dies horribly,

That's a "Boeing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7hx5j/if_a_jokes_over_your_head_its_a_whoosh_but_if_a/
%
A couple decide that they need a guard dog

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”
The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a chihuahua can’t do that.”
“But this is no regular chihuahua. It’s an attack chihuahua!” the employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack chihuahua, chair”
The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.
“Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog”
“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack chihuahua, table!”
She pointed to a table, and, again, the chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.
The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”
When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.
“Why did you buy a chihuahua?!” She yelled
“Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary chihuahua, this is an attack chihuahua!”
“Attack chihuahua, my ass!” she responded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7hulk/a_couple_decide_that_they_need_a_guard_dog/
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The American view of the world is too self-centered...

I mean on maps they literally label their country "US."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7htea/the_american_view_of_the_world_is_too_selfcentered/
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Considering that the hashtag is also called the pound key

#MeToo is just asking for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7hri8/considering_that_the_hashtag_is_also_called_the/
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I once dated a girl with a lazy eye.

We broke up because she was seeing someone else the entire time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7hqyy/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
%
Never fight a dinosaur.

You'll get jurasskicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7hqlw/never_fight_a_dinosaur/
%
My gf said she was being spyed on by a creepy guy she dont know

I've started choosing better hiding spots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7hpfx/my_gf_said_she_was_being_spyed_on_by_a_creepy_guy/
%
My friend got mad at me for screen peeking when we were playing against each other today

...it was online chess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7hnvb/my_friend_got_mad_at_me_for_screen_peeking_when/
%
A farmer has successfully grown dildos in his field

But now he’s having trouble with squatters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7hnu8/a_farmer_has_successfully_grown_dildos_in_his/
%
What did the US say when it was sad?

“I’m in Missouri.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7hkmd/what_did_the_us_say_when_it_was_sad/
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Three old men have just arrived in heaven and are attending an orientation meeting.

They are all asked, "When you are at the funeral and your friends and families are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and schoolteacher, and that I made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a moment and says, "I think I'd like to hear them say 'Look! He's moving!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7hk2s/three_old_men_have_just_arrived_in_heaven_and_are/
%
A friend of mine watched as I hunted for our dinner. He was disgusted by the mess of a dead animal.

Needless to say, I killed his appetite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7hia3/a_friend_of_mine_watched_as_i_hunted_for_our/
%
An old couple noticed that their memory had been deteriorating...

They went to the doctor’s office to check out the issue. The doctor suggested that they write down what they wanted to remember on sticky notes.
Later, when they got home, the wife asked her husband for a bowl of cereal. The husband said, “Right on it, darling!”
The wife asked, “Shouldn’t you write that down before you forget again,” to which the husband replied, “Nonsense, it’s just a bowl of cereal!”
30 minutes go by, and the husband still hasn’t given his wife the bowl of cereal. She decides to walk into the kitchen and the husband turns to her and says, “The eggs are ready honey!”
“Idiot,” the wife said, “you forgot the bacon!”
(This was a stolen joke, I just don’t remember from where)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7heyj/an_old_couple_noticed_that_their_memory_had_been/
%
I had a pig for dinner

We shared the dessert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7heis/i_had_a_pig_for_dinner/
%
Scientists Discover Food That Lowers Womens' Sex Drive By 90 Percent

'Wedding Cake'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7hb8g/scientists_discover_food_that_lowers_womens_sex/
%
a man wakes up on a merchant ship after a night of heavy drinking

upon waking, he is greeted by the ship's captain, who offers him a hearty handshake and a loaf of bread.
The man quickly realizes he's been shanghaied and asks when and where he will be able to get back to shore.
the captain laughs and says, "well it's going to be a few months young man, but we are very happy out here at sea and im sure you too will find some happiness out here."
As the captain shows him around the ship, describing the different jobs he will be expected to do, the man notices a sailor near the back of the ship with his eyes closed and making strange noises.
He peeks his head around a shroud, and notices that the sailor is hugging a large barrel with his pants around his ankles. The sailor steps back, pulls up his pants, and goes back to work.  About 10 minutes later, he sees another sailor belly up to the barrel and do the exact same thing.
The man asks the captain what these sailors are doing, and the captain tells him, "That's how we stay so happy out here for so long.  Any time you are feeling anxious and missing the comforts of home, you can go to the back of the ship and stick your johnson in that barrel.  Why don't you go try it?"
The man walks up to the barrel, drops his pants and sticks his business in the hole in the side.  He experiences the most pleasure he's ever felt, and when he's finished he tells the captain, "that was amazing!  I'm going to be going to that barrel every single day!"
"well," says the captain, "you can go to the barrel every day except Wednesday."
"why not Wednesday?" the man asks.
the captain answers, "Wednesday is your turn in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7h9gu/a_man_wakes_up_on_a_merchant_ship_after_a_night/
%
My friend David lost his ID

Now he is just Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7h988/my_friend_david_lost_his_id/
%
What rock group has four man that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7h85v/what_rock_group_has_four_man_that_dont_sing/
%
A man walks into a bar, and the second he does, the bartender tells him of a bet.

He says, "You see that meat on the ceiling? You have three tries to grab it. If you grab it within three tries, you get free drinks for life. If you don't, you've got to buy the whole bar a round."
The man contemplates for a while, but eventually answers. "Nah, I'll pass. The steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7h6c3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_second_he_does_the/
%
The cross-eyed teacher at school got fired today.

He couldn't control his pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7h1ws/the_crosseyed_teacher_at_school_got_fired_today/
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Some people don't realize the original "Mad World" is by Tears for Fears

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7gxb4/some_people_dont_realize_the_original_mad_world/
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You wouldn’t believe how mean my wife is.

She is the most average person you will ever meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7gwxa/you_wouldnt_believe_how_mean_my_wife_is/
%
Male gunowners are, in fact, compensating for their manhood.

You can't kill a deer or repel intruders with your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7gwep/male_gunowners_are_in_fact_compensating_for_their/
%
Why is Hitler so bad at giving directions?

Because all he says is "take the Third Reich"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7gv4l/why_is_hitler_so_bad_at_giving_directions/
%
How did the scientist get a woman ready for sex?

Two test tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7gtxv/how_did_the_scientist_get_a_woman_ready_for_sex/
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How many optimists does it take to change a lightbulb.

None. They just find light in the darkness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7gtb2/how_many_optimists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Two Young Children Walk Down The Stairs

The 9 year old says to the 7 year old
“I think that we’re old enough to start swearing now.”
The 7 year old says
“Okay but when will we do it”
The 9 year old just says
“Follow my lead.”
They walk into the kitchen and their mother says
“What would you like for breakfast?”
The 9 year old says
“I’ll have some Cheerios, b*tch.”
The mother proceeds to slap the boy across the face, turns to her other son and asks
“What would you like for breakfast?”
The boy, scared, just says
“I don’t know, but clearly not the f*cking Cheerios!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7gsmk/two_young_children_walk_down_the_stairs/
%
Today, I tested 10 people to come up with a pun and see if they could make me laugh

No pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7grv1/today_i_tested_10_people_to_come_up_with_a_pun/
%
An old man walks in to a bar.

He orders a whiskey and sits down.
After a while the bartender notices that he isn't drinking and goes over to talk to him:
\-Celebrating something?
\-Yeah, I'm 72 years old and I finally had my first fellatio.
\-That's great news but why aren't you drinking anything?
\-I'm waiting, I still have the taste in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7gmw6/an_old_man_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb

2 but I sure don’t know how they got in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7gmf7/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
There were two parrots sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says...

"Can you smell fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7gl3u/there_were_two_parrots_sitting_on_a_perch_one/
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What do you call a pirate sex offender?

Rrrrrr Kelly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ghvr/what_do_you_call_a_pirate_sex_offender/
%
Best country song

My boss won't stop playing country music at work. The other day, my coworker spoke to her.
Coworker: You know what I think is the best country song?
Boss: What?
Coworker: Africa.
Boss: That's not a country song!
Coworker: Actually you're right, it's a continent song.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7gh4n/best_country_song/
%
Johnny and 7 other boys storm a bakery early in the morning.

They knock over all the workers, then proceed to stomp and walk all over the pies and pastries.  The bakers call the police who take the boys into custody.
After investigating, the police decide to give the boys 60 hours of community service for the local council. Johnny is sent out with two other gardeners to plant trees in the local park. It is tiresome work and he starts to get agitated. Johnny then sees the other boys wearing Christian robes and walking into the church. Johnny asks the gardener “what are they doing” the gardener replies”the council is allowing for Jesus to give them forgiveness for their sins”. Getting angry at the punishments Johnny yells “this is outrageous, it’s unfair..... how can you work for the council and not be a pastor?!” The gardener replies “take a seed, young pie walker”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7gezw/johnny_and_7_other_boys_storm_a_bakery_early_in/
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call me an idiot but what does bakka mean?

Also I don't know what je ne sais quoi means either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ge5y/call_me_an_idiot_but_what_does_bakka_mean/
%
Three ladies died and went to Heaven

.
When they arrived at the gates, St. Peter greeted them and told them that he’d let them in as long as they don’t step on a duck. Assuming this should be an easy task, the three ladies agree, and St. Peter allows them entry.
As soon as the three see the inside of Heaven, they discover that nearly every square inch of the ground inside is covered in ducks. The three ladies look in disbelief, but as they did agree with St. Peter, they step inside to begin their eternal reward together.
Only a few minutes pass, and the first lady accidentally steps on a duck. Immediately, St. Peter arrives, chains her to an ugly old man, and takes her away. The other two ladies look at each other, more determined than before to avoid stepping on any ducks.
A few weeks pass, and, sadly, the second lady also inadvertently steps on a duck. Like before, St. Peter is instantly on the scene, chains her to an ugly old man, and takes her away. The remaining lady is horrified that the last of her two friends is now gone. She continues alone.
Weeks go by. Years go by. Remarkably, the third lady has not stepped on a duck. Out of the blue, St. Peter arrives with a handsome young man, chains him to her, and leaves. The lady is confused and says “I don’t understand, I never did anything. Why are we chained together?” The young man replies “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7gcln/three_ladies_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
What do you call boobs in Italy?

Gnocchers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7g8gm/what_do_you_call_boobs_in_italy/
%
Shout-out to my Grandpa!

Cus thats the only way he can hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7g8f8/shoutout_to_my_grandpa/
%
Three kids were playing with a mini train station...

Three kids were playing with a mini train station and when it stopped at the station the one yelled: "All the people getting on the train, get on the train, all the people getting off the train, get off the fucking train.
The mom came in and scollded at the boy for say a bad word and sent him to his room.
Three hours later the mom came to fetch the boy and take him back to play.
When the train stopped at the station again the child yelled: "All the people getting on the train, get on the train, all the people getting off, get off. The people who want to complain about the Three hour delay, talk to the fat bitch in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7g628/three_kids_were_playing_with_a_mini_train_station/
%
Knock Knock ?

B: Who’s there ?
A: Ella
B: Ella who ?
A: Akbar
\*explodes \*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7g4b8/knock_knock/
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[OC] What's Matthew Mcconaughey's favourite Pokemon?

_Rhydon rhydon rydon_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7g3sl/oc_whats_matthew_mcconaugheys_favourite_pokemon/
%
What's a cannibals favorite shampoo?

Head and shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7g32a/whats_a_cannibals_favorite_shampoo/
%
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7g2jf/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers/
%
Did y'all hear about the Anti-vax kid who bought a Ferrari at the age of 2?

Yeah, it was his midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7g10b/did_yall_hear_about_the_antivax_kid_who_bought_a/
%
Why shouldn't you work for an Egyptian company?

They're all pyramid schemes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7fvt4/why_shouldnt_you_work_for_an_egyptian_company/
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What does a Redditor do when they need to delete a post

Shreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7fv8l/what_does_a_redditor_do_when_they_need_to_delete/
%
An man asks a young attractive lady if she would fuck him for $1M

She answers: "Yes, I would!"
"Would you do it for $50 , too?" he continues.
"No! Do you think I am a prostitute??"
"I thought we already clarified that. Now we are just negotiating the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7fv5b/an_man_asks_a_young_attractive_lady_if_she_would/
%
Bad at Titles

Teacher: Whoever answers the next question correctly, can go home early!
Student: \*raises hand\*
Teacher: What is it?
Student: It's me raising my hand, and now I can go home. Thanks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7fu9e/bad_at_titles/
%
What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ftjh/what_do_pigs_put_on_their_skin_to_get_rid_of_acne/
%
So which sexual position produces the ugliest baby?

I don’t know! Go ask your fucking mother!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7fqfl/so_which_sexual_position_produces_the_ugliest_baby/
%
Limerick

There once was a lady from Bass
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rosy and pink like you all may think
But was gray, had long ears and ate grass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7fp3m/limerick/
%
I was on the beach with my ex-wife.

She said, "Why don't you go out for a swim in the water?"
"I'm not going out there," I said. "There are man-eating sharks out there."
She said, "You'll be fine then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7foll/i_was_on_the_beach_with_my_exwife/
%
Me: I was raped in jail mom

... Dad's taking Monopoly too seriously

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7fnq9/me_i_was_raped_in_jail_mom/
%
Why won’t Logan Paul high five Ricegum?

He likes leaving asian people hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7fjof/why_wont_logan_paul_high_five_ricegum/
%
A horse in Russia walks into a bar, with a thick Russian accent the horse asks the bartender to pour him a glass of vodka.

Before I go on with the rest of the joke, you should know this joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think therefore, I am." I'm explaining that part now, because in soviet Russia you put Descartes before the horse.
The bartender says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7fhsf/a_horse_in_russia_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_thick/
%
Why is there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Too many Targets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7fgl8/why_is_there_no_walmarts_in_afghanistan/
%
Why did the non-binary prospector go out west?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7fdut/why_did_the_nonbinary_prospector_go_out_west/
%
Why did no one like the phone’s jokes?

They were uncalled for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7fcp2/why_did_no_one_like_the_phones_jokes/
%
A Proctologist goes to a bank

to make a withdrawal.  The teller observes the man whip out a probe and try to write with it .  The teller laughs hysterically, "Sir, you can't write with that!".
The Proctologist looks at the probe, and replies "Well shit, I guess some asshole's got my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7fayf/a_proctologist_goes_to_a_bank/
%
Asked my mum what she’d like for her birthday.

“I wanna Dyson.” She said excitedly.
So that's why is smothered her with a pillow, your honour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7fax4/asked_my_mum_what_shed_like_for_her_birthday/
%
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The neutron asks the bartender, "How much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7f89s/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
%
New bathroom

I was shopping for a new bathroom this week, and was shown an amazing toilet that plays ABBA songs when you flush it.
What a loo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7f7y2/new_bathroom/
%
Welp I went and got a $100 bill tattooed on my dick..

I heard women like to blow money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7f457/welp_i_went_and_got_a_100_bill_tattooed_on_my_dick/
%
When a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls, he's a "player," but when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys...

...somehow, I'm not one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7f1v3/when_a_guy_sleeps_with_a_bunch_of_girls_hes_a/
%
My girl named my dick "Matters"

because she always wants to take matters into her own hands..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7f0a5/my_girl_named_my_dick_matters/
%
A teacher draws a cucumber on a chalkboard in a biology class, and asks the students what it is.

One student raises his hand and says.
“That’s a dick ma’am”
The teacher is horrified and runs to the principals office.
A few minutes later, the principal walks in.
“Alright! Who made the teacher cry? And who the hell drew a dick on the board?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ezj2/a_teacher_draws_a_cucumber_on_a_chalkboard_in_a/
%
How many soviets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Because they ran out of lightbulbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ex7r/how_many_soviets_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink.

While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table.
They decided to play a joke on the cowboy. As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was still asking about a woman. Finally the bartender sent his friends upstairs on a mission and they returned shortly. Then the bartender told the cowboy that they only had one woman there but she was upstairs waiting on him. In fact, the bartender’s friends had carried a blow-up doll upstairs and placed her in cowboy’s bed.
The cowboy bid everyone good night and slowly climbed the stairs. Filled with anticipation he approached the room and went inside as the men downstairs listened with great interest. After a few moments, they heard the bed springs squeaking and moans of pleasure coming from the room. Then everything was quiet.
Not being able to sleep with anticipation of the coming morning, the men decided to play poker through the night and await the man coming down the next morning. As he came down the stairs, they noticed a strange look on his face.
They asked, "Well, cowboy, how was the woman?"
He hesitated, then answered, "Man, that was the best piece of ass I ever had, but the strangest thing happened. After I screwed her, I bit her on the titty and she farted and flew out the window and I haven’t seen her since.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ewts/one_night_a_lone_cowboy_rode_into_a_small_town_he/
%
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.”
“You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7er2b/two_boys_are_arguing_when_the_teacher_enters_the/
%
My sex partners always rate the sex from 0 to 10. Last night i had sex with a German.

I got a „Nein nein nein nein!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7eq0j/my_sex_partners_always_rate_the_sex_from_0_to_10/
%
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you.

The man replies,"Boobs!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7epu3/a_man_is_being_arrested_by_a_female_police/
%
Why is Trump's car insurance so cheap?

NO COLLISION.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7eoub/why_is_trumps_car_insurance_so_cheap/
%
A local barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs.

It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7enp0/a_local_barber_in_my_area_was_arrested_for/
%
What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest actually accomplishes something when it’s triggered!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7enjh/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
I'm an American, and I'm sick of people saying, "America is the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think the UNITED STATES is the stupidest country in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7emzs/im_an_american_and_im_sick_of_people_saying/
%
There was a young man from Kent

Whose cock was so long it was bent.
To save himself trouble, He'd put it in double,
So instead of coming he went.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7em41/there_was_a_young_man_from_kent/
%
Blind, deaf and mute people can all tolerate a dark joke.

It's because they're not sensitive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7efiq/blind_deaf_and_mute_people_can_all_tolerate_a/
%
A man is stopped by an officer controlling traffic...

The officer is conducting the control rather rudely and is pedantic about the state of the car and the man starts to get annoyed. When the officer finally hands back his papers, the man asks: "would I get into trouble for calling an officer an asshole motherfucker?". The officer makes an angry noise and says: "why of course, that is illegal. I would arrest you on the spot!". The man nods his head and says: "of course, just as I thought. That's quite sensible. Say, could one get into trouble for calling an asshole motherfucker "officer"? The officer confusedly responds "...well, I guess no...not really? Is that all?" The man says: "yes, thank you very much, that is all...officer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7e78e/a_man_is_stopped_by_an_officer_controlling_traffic/
%
Dark humour is like clean water

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7e23o/dark_humour_is_like_clean_water/
%
The Goat

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."
"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth it is, how intricately carved? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days."
"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea...Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board."
"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention, and whispers,
"But ya fuck one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7e0rh/the_goat/
%
Corkscrew dick

Ed and Ted are standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed glances over and notices that Ted's dick is twisted like a corkscrew.
"Jesus," Ed says. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Ted asks.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed says.
"Why? What's yours like?" Ted asks.
"Well, straight like normal," Ed asks.
"I thought mine was normal 'til I saw yours," Ted says.
Ed finishes his business and gives his old boy a shake prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Ted asks.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed says.
"Damn!" Ted says. "And all these years I've been wringing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7dv5g/corkscrew_dick/
%
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7dtov/an_old_lady_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_shes_chatting/
%
What does a junkie have in common with a quiet kid?

Shooting up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7dpm5/what_does_a_junkie_have_in_common_with_a_quiet_kid/
%
I got a new cell phone for my wife...

Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7dpid/i_got_a_new_cell_phone_for_my_wife/
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I've got this condition where I can't tell if I'm having an orgasm or urinating.

I'm not sure if I'm coming or going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7dkmy/ive_got_this_condition_where_i_cant_tell_if_im/
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The local weatherman named the upcoming snowstorm after his oldest son Kevin.

Because he didn't think it was going to amount to much either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7djc4/the_local_weatherman_named_the_upcoming_snowstorm/
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What happens when you can’t pay your exorcist?

Repossession.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7dj7b/what_happens_when_you_cant_pay_your_exorcist/
%
I was in an orgy last year

It was strange, but my family has always had weird thanksgivings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7dhll/i_was_in_an_orgy_last_year/
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What does a mumble rapper and a politician have in common?

both of their careers depend on incomprehensible bullshit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7dhgl/what_does_a_mumble_rapper_and_a_politician_have/
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Doing the Boss a Favor

A woman's boss calls her into his office asking her if she would house sit when he's gone for a weekend.
Accepting right away she says , "I'll make a list right now of what you'll need. Whatll you need me to do?"
"I've a mini pig that has a rash, can you rub some soothing oil on it?" The boss replies. "sure thing!"  Says the woman
Next the boss says," The thermostat is broken at the moment and I keep forgetting to replace it. It makes the whole house to hot, can you keep adjusting it so the house stays cool?" "Sure thing" "oh also, speaking of heat, that reminds me can you clean the oven?" "no problem!" She enthusiastically responds.
"My son's staying home and will be there on Saturday around lunch time, he likes a specific boxed macaroni, would you be up to making it for him?" "You bet!"
Lastly the boss asks, "Okay awesome, and the only other thing I need done is I have a neglected bonsai tree that needs some water? Do you mind?" "Consider it done, boss!"
"Thanks so much!" He replies, "do you mind reading that list back to be so I know you got everything?"
The woman responds, "Absolutely! : Hogwarts, cool, ov. Which Kraft™? And withered tree"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7dhg1/doing_the_boss_a_favor/
%
What do you called when 2 lamps have sex?

A Flash-bang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7dg2d/what_do_you_called_when_2_lamps_have_sex/
%
I went onto the Megan’s law website for the first time and found one of my little league coaches on that site as a registered sex offender.

And all these years I thought it was normal to be measured by hand for cup size.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7dfp1/i_went_onto_the_megans_law_website_for_the_first/
%
Two women go out to a bar and get hammered...

On the walk home, they both have to pee.
One woman pees in her pants, and throws away her panties. The other goes into the cemetery they were walking by and pees near a tombstone, using a wreath placed on the stone to clean up before going home.
The next morning, their husbands talk about their wives’ conditions the night before.
“We need to control our wives,” said the first husband. “Last night my wife came home without panties.”
The other exclaimed, “You think that’s bad? Last night my wife came home with a card up her ass that said ‘the boys from the firehouse miss you!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7dd7l/two_women_go_out_to_a_bar_and_get_hammered/
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A man joined a company

A man joined a big multinational company as a trainee.
On his first day,  he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone: "Get me a fuckin' cup  of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are fuckin' talking to, you idiot?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7dc1r/a_man_joined_a_company/
%
It’s been more than a week, but my wife is still mad at me for accidentally putting superglue on her pen.

She just can’t seem to let it go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7dabp/its_been_more_than_a_week_but_my_wife_is_still/
%
What do you call an army of babies?

Infantry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7d9pr/what_do_you_call_an_army_of_babies/
%
There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and

Those that repost this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7d7y9/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world_those/
%
Why did my dick cross the road?

Because I couldn't pull it out of the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7cyhh/why_did_my_dick_cross_the_road/
%
Why did they make the toilet paper so hard in the Soviet Union?

Because they wanted to make every asshole Red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7cx0d/why_did_they_make_the_toilet_paper_so_hard_in_the/
%
Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..

Cop approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
Cop is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
cop asks, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
Cop says, "Stole it?"
And she says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"he is in the trunk if you want to see."
Cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The blonde steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?" She asks.
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
Woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but spare tire and tools.
The officer says, "Is this your car Ma'am?"
and she answers, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
Then woman digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, Ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
Woman then replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you this was a repost, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7cwrn/blond_woman_has_been_stopped_by_police_becouse_of/
%
A dentist receives an award.

It’s the only plaque allowed in his house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7cvo7/a_dentist_receives_an_award/
%
What do you call the Incredible Hulk when he hasn’t shaved in a few days?

Mark Scruffalo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7csye/what_do_you_call_the_incredible_hulk_when_he/
%
I have a friend who always does an incredible job fixing my headgear.

Hats off to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7cn5w/i_have_a_friend_who_always_does_an_incredible_job/
%
What did one frenchman say to the other?

I have no idea; I don't speak French

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7cn1j/what_did_one_frenchman_say_to_the_other/
%
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

"Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7clp6/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_palm_tree/
%
Why can't you run through a camp ground?

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7cku3/why_cant_you_run_through_a_camp_ground/
%
A guy goes to a pet shops and goes to the cashier and says..

I need a pet, and I want something different. My bird died and he was great and all but he stopped talking at the end of his life. The cashier says I have just the thing for you, a talking centipede.
The man was surprised, but he said what the heck and bought the talking centipede.
On the car ride home he was trying to talk to the centipede the whole time, but did not get a response. When he got home he asked the new pet if he wanted to go to the pub and get a drink, still no answer.
He figured it was scared from the car ride, so decided to ask again in about 30 minutes, still no answer.
The man is doubting the centipede can even talk at this point, and figures he would ask him one more time in 30 minutes and if he does not get an answer he is returning it to the store.
30 minutes later the man says, HEY Centipede do you want to go get a drink with me at the pub or not!?
The centipede reply's, CAN YOU CALM DOWN, I'VE BEEN PUTTING MY SHOES ON

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7cjz1/a_guy_goes_to_a_pet_shops_and_goes_to_the_cashier/
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I like my women how I like my coffee.

Ground up and in the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ciyu/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7chsn/how_did_chris_browns_girlfriend_find_out_he_was/
%
Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch here (taps forehead), here (taps nose), here (taps chin), pretty much everywhere.”

Doctor: “You have a broken finger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7cgxd/patient_doc_it_hurts_when_i_touch_here_taps/
%
I’ve found an origami porn channel

but it’s paper view only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7caoy/ive_found_an_origami_porn_channel/
%
I was gonna tell a joke about a broken boomerang but I can't remember it,

hopefully it comes back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7ca8h/i_was_gonna_tell_a_joke_about_a_broken_boomerang/
%
My favorite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7c87t/my_favorite_sex_position_is_called_wow/
%
My girlfriend, like most people her age...

Is 36

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7c6a9/my_girlfriend_like_most_people_her_age/
%
An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"
Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7c23a/an_insolent_teenager_stomps_off_to_her_room/
%
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.

Blew his mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7bwsf/my_friend_loves_playing_roulette_so_i_figured_i/
%
Dad joke alert: So when does a bad joke become a Dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7btcx/dad_joke_alert_so_when_does_a_bad_joke_become_a/
%
An American politician invites an Indian minister too his home

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.
"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.
"Hmm, Yes it is"
"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the AP points in a direction "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
The minister just nods.
A few weeks later, the minister invites the AP to his home for a party. Upon reaching the minister's home, the AP was surprised at how grand it was. It was a royal-looking mansion.
He asks the minister, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?"
The minister takes him outside and points in a direction and says
"You see that bridge over there?"
The AP replies "What bridge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7bt3o/an_american_politician_invites_an_indian_minister/
%
I watched a gripping rock-climbing documentary on netflix the other day

It was great but it ended on a cliffhanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7bqum/i_watched_a_gripping_rockclimbing_documentary_on/
%
Two cops get to this guy's house to have a talk

Knock knock
Cop: Police here. Is anyone home?
Guy (yet inside the house): Yes. Why?
Cop: We just want to have a talk.
Guy: How many of you are there?
Cop: There's 2 of us!
Guy: Great, so you can talk with each other! Bye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7bkvy/two_cops_get_to_this_guys_house_to_have_a_talk/
%
Did you hear about the child who's parents gave him 10 names?

Did you hear about the child whose parents gave him 10 names? He struggled initially.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7bjfd/did_you_hear_about_the_child_whos_parents_gave/
%
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him.
"Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."
Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"
God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone"
The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7bhdu/a_jfk_conspiracy_theorist_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
how many Brits does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, they'll keep saying that they will, but they wont

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7beip/how_many_brits_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
What’s an astronaut’s favorite meal?

Launch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7be4g/whats_an_astronauts_favorite_meal/
%
Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7bcfj/why_did_the_football_coach_go_to_the_bank/
%
What do being dead and being an idiot have in common?

It's only painful for other people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7bc2f/what_do_being_dead_and_being_an_idiot_have_in/
%
I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7b45r/i_was_by_my_friends_side_when_he_died_on_a_trail/
%
What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV?

Nut-flix!
A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7b3eg/whats_a_squirrels_favorite_way_to_watch_tv/
%
My friend died because we didn’t know his blood type.

He kept on saying “be positive” in the ambulance but it’s hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7axl9/my_friend_died_because_we_didnt_know_his_blood/
%
I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous iykwim.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7auvr/i_want_to_live_my_next_life_backwards/
%
I just got fired from my cartography job in Arizona.

They said I had no sense of Yuma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7atil/i_just_got_fired_from_my_cartography_job_in/
%
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7asov/how_many_politicians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why didn’t they ever stop for gas in the Fast and Furious movies?

They had Vin Diesel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7arui/why_didnt_they_ever_stop_for_gas_in_the_fast_and/
%
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!
Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"
The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7aon6/a_man_and_a_woman_are_sitting_beside_each_other/
%
What kind of tissues do mathematicians like?

Multi-ply

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7acer/what_kind_of_tissues_do_mathematicians_like/
%
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7abrd/a_guy_is_browsing_in_a_pet_shop_and_sees_a_parrot/
%
A scientist invented a machine that turns aged wine into fresh wine that hasn't aged at all.

"Eureka! I've finally made it, the machine to turn old wine into new wine!" says the scientist.
"We'll see if your invention is worth giving notice." says his colleague.
And so he tested it out for the last time. He went to the wine cellar in the basement and took some of the oldest wine there was. Then he put it in a bottle and placed it inside the machine.
The machine whirred and buzzed, and after a short while, the 15 year old wine looked and smelled as new and fresh as any newly-made wine.
"This wine is as if it has not aged a bit! You did it!" says his colleague.
"You uncultured wine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7aa2u/a_scientist_invented_a_machine_that_turns_aged/
%
One day , the scientists decided to play hide and seek. When the seeker started to count , everybody but Newton went hiding. Newton drew a square 1m each side right behind the seeker and stepped into it. The seeker found him immediately and declared "Newton, Newton". But Newton refused to lose.

He said: This square covered an area of 1m2. I'm a Newton on 1m2. So I'm Pascal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7a8w8/one_day_the_scientists_decided_to_play_hide_and/
%
Enjoying the views...

You: So..did you enjoy your trip to the Swiss Alps?
Me: Yes, it was amazing.
You: Did you enjoy the views?
Me: Mmm...No.
You: Why?
Me: The Mountains blocked the view.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7a60l/enjoying_the_views/
%
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

DAM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7a4mv/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_a_wall/
%
"When I donate blood I do not need to extract it myself. A nurse does it for me."

"Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b79yqi/when_i_donate_blood_i_do_not_need_to_extract_it/
%
I put hidden cameras in every butter factory in the world and will sell access to them,

Some people just want to watch the world churn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b79q3p/i_put_hidden_cameras_in_every_butter_factory_in/
%
I had to go to the same doctor SEVEN times to get my penis reattached

Every time I saw him I yelled, "Remember me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b79mbi/i_had_to_go_to_the_same_doctor_seven_times_to_get/
%
Breaking News: Cheese factory explosion!

De Brie everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b79l5t/breaking_news_cheese_factory_explosion/
%
I walked in with a bunch of flowers and my wife said "Ok, what have you done now?"

"I slept with your sister." I replied.
"What? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?" she screamed.
"What the hell are you talking about?" I replied "They're for your sister.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b79gdl/i_walked_in_with_a_bunch_of_flowers_and_my_wife/
%
What do you call it when two men without arms get into a fight?

Unarmed combat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b79fnb/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_men_without_arms_get/
%
What's the difference between a fly an a mosquito ?

A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b79eux/whats_the_difference_between_a_fly_an_a_mosquito/
%
A woman says to Winston Churchill...

"If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea!" Churchill replied "If you were my wife, I would drink it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b79epd/a_woman_says_to_winston_churchill/
%
What do you get if you sit in a Spanish field?

A grassy-ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b79eff/what_do_you_get_if_you_sit_in_a_spanish_field/
%
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b79dmg/what_do_you_call_a_musician_without_a_girlfriend/
%
My parents claim I'm using alcohol as a crutch

I told them to stop being naive, crutches help you walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b79bvy/my_parents_claim_im_using_alcohol_as_a_crutch/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter. He ain't coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b798h4/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex...

...but my girlfriend insists it just says "dyslexia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b797c7/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_daily_sex/
%
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking its balls...

"Man," says the first guy. "I wish I could do that!" "I don't know," says the second guy. "Maybe you should pet him first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7924p/two_guys_are_walking_down_the_street_and_see_a/
%
Are you anti-abortion?

because i’m uncle abortion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b791tu/are_you_antiabortion/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78ztg/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
Why was the black dude relieved when he found out the cannibals he ran into were racist?

They didn’t serve his kind there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78zhh/why_was_the_black_dude_relieved_when_he_found_out/
%
A doctor felt extremely conflicted after sleeping with his patient. One side of his head told him, "Relax. You're not the first doc to sleep with his patient and you'll not be the last."

The other side said, "You bastard. You should be knowing that you're a veterinary doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78zbh/a_doctor_felt_extremely_conflicted_after_sleeping/
%
How many flies foes it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78yz8/how_many_flies_foes_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A driver is pulled over by a policeman....

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78yle/a_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_policeman/
%
What does Theresa May think U.K. stands for?

Not much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78w4x/what_does_theresa_may_think_uk_stands_for/
%
How do you get a fat chick in bed?

Piece of cake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78v62/how_do_you_get_a_fat_chick_in_bed/
%
Found 4 fox cubs

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78t7b/found_4_fox_cubs/
%
Why do people think that men are better at some things than women?

Because they have heard that two heads are better than one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78o8s/why_do_people_think_that_men_are_better_at_some/
%
Chemistry?

I'd like to make a joke about sodium and chemistry in general, but all the good jokes argon, so Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78n69/chemistry/
%
They fired me from the calendar factory

I don't know why. I just took a few days off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78lgh/they_fired_me_from_the_calendar_factory/
%
A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I can get a better shot" he says but he miscalculated and they all fall over the edge.  He runs to the ledge and looks down and sees his family smashing into rocks over and over as they tumble down the canyon, screaming in agony all the way down. He finally sees them stop dead at the bottom.  He sits by the edge sobbing uncontrollably as he begins to realize that not only is his entire family dead and mangled at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, but that his dad had the keys to the car in his pocket and he is stranded with no one in sight. He cries and cries for hours until he hears footsteps. A lone hiker approaches, sees him crying and asks what's wrong.  "Oh thank god you found me mister" the boy says "I was taking a picture of my family and I got them to back up too far and they all fell off the edge. They're dead and it's all my fault! My dad had the keys to the car, I have no phone and I don't know what to do" he cries. The hiker takes a quick look around. "Wow kid, I don't know what to tell you," he says as he unzips his pants "but this is not your fucking day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78g4d/a_family_on_vacation_arrives_at_the_grand_canyon/
%
If Beer Nuts cost $1.59 a bag, how much do Deer Nuts cost?

Under a buck...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78ef3/if_beer_nuts_cost_159_a_bag_how_much_do_deer_nuts/
%
The Flat Earth Society

Has members around the globe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78d7x/the_flat_earth_society/
%
Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

*If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.*
*If You have Ocd, Push  The numbers 1, 2, 3, 7*
*If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.*
*If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.*
*If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.*
*If you have short term memory loss, please try again and call later.*
*If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mothership.*
*If you have ADHD or ADD, press 8 and sit tight while we put you on hold.*
*If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice in your head will tell you which number to press.*
*If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one will answer you.*
*If you are dyslexic, press 69696969.*
*If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep, after the beep please wait for the beep.*
*If you have short term memory loss, please try again and call later.*
*If you have low self esteem hang up, all our operators are too busy to talk to you.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78bfc/welcome_to_the_mental_health_hotline/
%
I hear voices in my head

But only when I wear headphones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78bd8/i_hear_voices_in_my_head/
%
Why did the blonde go to sleep under her 20-year-old car?

So she could wake up oily in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78b5r/why_did_the_blonde_go_to_sleep_under_her/
%
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b78a2p/statistics_say_that_1_out_of_3_people_in_a/
%
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?

To prove that he wasn't chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b784k9/why_did_the_turkey_not_cross_the_road/
%
How dark is your humor?

Mine is 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7817t/how_dark_is_your_humor/
%
A blonde and a brunette

decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!"  The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b780t9/a_blonde_and_a_brunette/
%
Job Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I guess my biggest weakness is I am not always a good listener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b77z97/job_interviewer_so_where_do_you_see_yourself_in_5/
%
What do you call a person who kills cereal?

Mentally ill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b77pum/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_kills_cereal/
%
I just donated the contents of my wallet, my iPhone X, and my $10,000 Rolex watch to some poor guy living on the streets.

You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he put his gun back into his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b77o17/i_just_donated_the_contents_of_my_wallet_my/
%
Why did the Russians get Donald Trump in a room with pissing prostitutes?

They were colluding to rig an erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b77he6/why_did_the_russians_get_donald_trump_in_a_room/
%
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral

A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora” and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “That means a lot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b77gxw/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b77di8/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
Me on the Ellen show

Ellen: So I heard you like nothing
Me: Yup
Ellen: “the void starts swallowing up the entire studio”
Me: OMG Ellen you didn’t!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b77cq1/me_on_the_ellen_show/
%
How many redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None they just copy and paste other people’s lightbulbs into the socket and get all the credit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b770oz/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I thought I’d try going to a swingers camping trip, but I was too shy to participate.

It was two fucking in tents for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b76urt/i_thought_id_try_going_to_a_swingers_camping_trip/
%
Bill Cosby and Cardi B. walk into a bar.

Everyone hides their drinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b76t60/bill_cosby_and_cardi_b_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A redditor walks into a bar

He has a drink, pays and proceeds to leave.
The bartender says, "haven't you forgotten something"?
"No you idiot, look at my username"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b76sea/a_redditor_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I wasn't able to catch my train...

The air was so foggy that I mist it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b76qvn/i_wasnt_able_to_catch_my_train/
%
I was about to walk into a store

When I inadvertently stepped in some dog shit, so I grumbled a bit, wiped it off and went about my business. As I was leaving, I saw that someone else had stepped in it too and was leaning on the store window, scraping off his shoe. I walked up to him and said “I just did that!” And he punched me in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b76qt5/i_was_about_to_walk_into_a_store/
%
"Mom! I'm going out!"

\- You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt - Why not? - Because I can see your balls, Richard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b76pjn/mom_im_going_out/
%
What is it called when a dog has one ear that stands up and one that flops down?

Earectile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b76mb0/what_is_it_called_when_a_dog_has_one_ear_that/
%
What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b76lym/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
%
Why do pirates love Reddit?

It has the highest exchange rate from stolen content to gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b76aju/why_do_pirates_love_reddit/
%
Why did the squirrel cross the river on his back?

Too keep his nuts dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b766oa/why_did_the_squirrel_cross_the_river_on_his_back/
%
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?"

I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b765tq/i_was_in_a_liquor_store_and_an_employee_asked_me/
%
Learned today what causes high tides.

Sea weed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b765ag/learned_today_what_causes_high_tides/
%
A man was suing an airline for losing his luggage

Unfortunately he lost his case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b763ar/a_man_was_suing_an_airline_for_losing_his_luggage/
%
What do you call a toothless Bear?

**A gummy bear.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7633m/what_do_you_call_a_toothless_bear/
%
How do you make dandruff?

From scratch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b760o5/how_do_you_make_dandruff/
%
If everyone saw the world through my eyes

there'd be widespread fatalities in transportation and medicine not to mention mass panic as everyone started falling over and bumping into stuff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b75zpl/if_everyone_saw_the_world_through_my_eyes/
%
There's a 4 year old and a 7 year old.

The 7 year old says, "Hey, let's say bad words!" The 4 year old says okay, so they go downstairs. They see their mom and she asks the boys what they want. The 7 year old says, "Give me some god damn Reese's Puffs." The mom slaps him and asks the 4 year old what he wants. The 4 year old says, "You bet your ass it won't be Reese's Puffs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b75oks/theres_a_4_year_old_and_a_7_year_old/
%
What are the simularities in between a sexist man and a slave owner

Somebody is making the sandwich, and it isn't gonna be them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b75iyh/what_are_the_simularities_in_between_a_sexist_man/
%
I've got an Ikea bookcase that's lasted me 30 years.

Granted, it was in pieces for 29 of those.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b75i2a/ive_got_an_ikea_bookcase_thats_lasted_me_30_years/
%
Girl, you remind me of a cigarette

Because I wanna get you lit and put your butt in my mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b75g75/girl_you_remind_me_of_a_cigarette/
%
My brother and I are partners in a shoe business but we decided to split the business

Now I am the sole proprietor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b75fvq/my_brother_and_i_are_partners_in_a_shoe_business/
%
Whats the best part about getting an anti-vaxxer pregnant?

Only eight years of child support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b75dlq/whats_the_best_part_about_getting_an_antivaxxer/
%
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

3
A Left Ear
A Right Ear
And a Final Front-Ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7542r/how_many_ears_does_captain_kirk_have/
%
Do you know what the hardest job in the world is?

Being a straight guy with lisp trying to sell peanuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b753nz/do_you_know_what_the_hardest_job_in_the_world_is/
%
I took a job as snowboard instructor but quit after a week

I quickly realised my career was going downhill fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b750x1/i_took_a_job_as_snowboard_instructor_but_quit/
%
A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."
Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."
Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."
They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. The officers call the private over to ask his opinion.
The major says, "Excuse me, private, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your opinion?"
The private says, "Well sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you would have me do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b750d1/a_group_of_bored_military_officers_start_talking/
%
What do you call a disagreeable horse?

A neigh-sayer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b74u6j/what_do_you_call_a_disagreeable_horse/
%
What does it smell like when a cow farts?

Dairy-air

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b74rrs/what_does_it_smell_like_when_a_cow_farts/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b74lwb/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
%
Widow: Doctor, why did my husband die?

Doctor: Heavy drug use, ma’am.
Widow: But he never used drugs in his life!
Doctor: But I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b74l18/widow_doctor_why_did_my_husband_die/
%
My girlfriend said we should reenact a porn scene that I would like.

So I said, "Leave the house for a few hours then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b74l00/my_girlfriend_said_we_should_reenact_a_porn_scene/
%
I recently came into some money...

I recently came into some money that I don't really need. So I decided to host a charity event - except I couldn't decide who to help.
Finally, I decided on two groups - people who struggle to achieve orgasm and people who mess up punchlines.
You're all invited, so if you can't make it just let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b74kqy/i_recently_came_into_some_money/
%
What is the most important sport in Mexico?

Cross-country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b74jfp/what_is_the_most_important_sport_in_mexico/
%
A woman brings her severly ill bird into the vet.

The vet rushes her back to the examination room, but unfortunately the little bird passes on before he can do anything for it.
He tells the woman that her bird has died, but she refuses to believe him and demands that he run tests to verify the little guy's demise.
The vet goes into the next room and returns with a brown dog that he takes up to the examination table. The dog lifts itself up by its front paws, sniffs the bird, lets out a whimper and a low moan as he lowers himself and gives the vet a mournful look.
The vet goes back into the next room and returns with a cat that he places on the table. The cat walks up to the bird and gently taps it with his front paw. He looks up to the vet and gives a barely perceptible shake of his head and hops off the table.
"Well, there you have it ma'am. A second and a third opinion, and I'm very sorry for your loss, but the bird has passed on.", says the vet.
The woman, understandably distressed, ceases to argue and just requests that the vet sends her a bill, which he happily agrees to do.
A week later she gets the vet's invoice for $1620, and incensed she calls the office to complain about the exorbitant amount.
The vet calmly explains, "The $20 is for the office visit, but the lab test and cat scan were $800 each."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b74hk7/a_woman_brings_her_severly_ill_bird_into_the_vet/
%
What do you call it when you cum in a bellybutton?

A kiddie pool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b74e8q/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_cum_in_a_bellybutton/
%
NSFW while in china an American is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the states, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.  Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.  The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns and the doctor says, "I've got bad news, you've contracted Mongolian VD.  It is very rare and almost unheard of in the US."  The man is a little perplexed and says, "well, can you give me a shot or something to fix this?"
The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.  We're going to have to amputate your penis."  The man screams in horror, "absolutely not! I need a second opinion!"  The doctor replies, " well, it's your choice but surgery is your only option."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he would know more about the disease.  The Chinese doctor examines and says, "ah, yes, Mongolian VD.  Very rare."
The man replies "yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? The American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and says, "no need, wait two weeks and it will fall off by itself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b74anf/nsfw_while_in_china_an_american_is_sexually/
%
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b74af9/i_picked_up_a_hitchhiker_last_night_he_seemed/
%
So, there's this guy, laying in a hospital bed...

No legs, no arms, tube fed, ugly as hell, skin with red and black spots, bad breath, broken teeth and a ridiculous small dick.
Suddenly a gorgeous nurse passes by and he shouts:
HEY NURSE! I LIKE YOUR TITS, BLOW ME!!
A priest, near him said:
*My son, you shouldn't say those things, God will punish you.*
What else will he do? mess with my hair?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b74754/so_theres_this_guy_laying_in_a_hospital_bed/
%
I am terrified of elevators

So I'm taking steps to start avoiding them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b74417/i_am_terrified_of_elevators/
%
A blonde shows up to a bar where two of her lovers are drinking together and telling sex stories.

The guys think they're dating different chicks and don't see her come in. She sneaks over to a table by the jukebox and listens in.
"It was straight up the most enthusiastic BJ ever," the first guy says. "It was like she was trying to break the bob a knob speed record. And she literally had no gag reflex bro."
The second guy says, "My girl's the same way! She deep-throated so hard my balls were using her tongue as a pillow!"
"No shit," says the bartender, twirling his mustache thoughtfully. "It's almost like it's the same girl."
He nods in their general direction and asks, "What's her name?"
"Britney," they blurt out in unison.
They glare at each other just long enough to wonder whose dick was there first; then, without another word, they start punching each other.
Britney witnesses all of this and doesn't understand why they're fighting.
It was over her head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7412d/a_blonde_shows_up_to_a_bar_where_two_of_her/
%
One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo

trying to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.
The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, had suddenly died. The keeper feared that attendance at the zoo would fall off. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they could get another one.
The mime accepted.
The next morning, before the crowd arrived, the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. He discovered that it was a great job. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people, and he drew bigger crowds than he ever had as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tired of him and he became bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper came and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this went on for some time. The mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up.
Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he slipped and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime started screaming and yelling, "Help! Help meee!!!", but the lion was quick and pounced. The mime soon found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.
The lion slowly lowered his snarling mouth towards him and said: "Shut UP you idiot! Do you want to get us BOTH fired?"
**Sorry for the format. Also sorry if I'm reposting**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b73zd7/one_day_an_out_of_work_mime_was_visiting_the_zoo/
%
My penis was in the genius book of world records.

Until I got kicked out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b73wdk/my_penis_was_in_the_genius_book_of_world_records/
%
What do you call a female pop star with big nipples?

Areola Grande.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b73vla/what_do_you_call_a_female_pop_star_with_big/
%
Why were the baker's hands brown?

He kneaded a poo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b73tmy/why_were_the_bakers_hands_brown/
%
Would anyone like to adopt my grades?

I can’t raise them myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b73t4i/would_anyone_like_to_adopt_my_grades/
%
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They'll just sit in the dark and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b73nwh/how_many_emo_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What's the difference between the UK and a Roast Dinner

The roast is better off without Brussels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b73igq/whats_the_difference_between_the_uk_and_a_roast/
%
3 black ladies were talking about their boyfriends.

Chondra asked the others, "if your boyfriend was a soda pop, what kind of pop would he be?"  Chenise said her boyfriend would be 7-Up because he's 7 inches and always up.  Chondra said her boyfriend would be Dr. Pepper because he was ready at 10, 2 and 4.  Latoya said her boyfriend would be Jack Daniels.  Chondra gave her a look and said, "Jack Daniels?, That's a hard liquor!"  Latoya said, "That's my Leroy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b73g1e/3_black_ladies_were_talking_about_their_boyfriends/
%
I once met a guy named Bien. He was a bit annoying but...

I think he meant well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b73flt/i_once_met_a_guy_named_bien_he_was_a_bit_annoying/
%
Did you know Reddit is very environmentally friendly?

More than half the content on the front page is recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b73egq/did_you_know_reddit_is_very_environmentally/
%
What did Thanos do when the Avengers pissed him off ?

He snapped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b73dx3/what_did_thanos_do_when_the_avengers_pissed_him/
%
What do you call an elementary school dropout?

An anti-vax child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b73dkq/what_do_you_call_an_elementary_school_dropout/
%
Glass coffins - will they catch on?

Remains to be seen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b73alx/glass_coffins_will_they_catch_on/
%
Will there be 4G coverage on Mars?

Sadly it'll only be 0.4g.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b738rm/will_there_be_4g_coverage_on_mars/
%
What do Spanish programmers code in?

Si ++

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7376m/what_do_spanish_programmers_code_in/
%
A duck walks into a bar...

DUCK:  Got any bread?
Barman:  No
DUCK: Got any bread?
Barman:  No
DUCK:  Got any bread?
Barman:  No
DUCK:  Got any bread?
DUCK:  Got any b....
Barman:     Ask one more time and I'll nail your beak to the bar.
......
DUCK:  Got any Nails?
Barman:  No.
DUCK:  Got any bread?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7360h/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do dogs start barking instead of trying to solve the problem?

Because solving problems are ruff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b733tp/why_do_dogs_start_barking_instead_of_trying_to/
%
Ace King for a friend

Is it a good hand for a pre-flop raise?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b731ny/ace_king_for_a_friend/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7314u/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7305r/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?

He got a woodpecker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b72zqj/what_did_the_pirate_do_after_his_parrot_bit_off/
%
I was walking down the street with my wife.

And there down an alley we saw five men beating up my mother-in-law.
My wife screamed: "Aren't you going to help?!"
I said: "No, five seems like enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b72yes/i_was_walking_down_the_street_with_my_wife/
%
The daughter walks up to her dad and asks to borrow his car. (NSFW)

Girl: “Hey dad. Can I borrow your car?”
Dad: “You can borrow it if you dropped to your knees and suck my dick.”
Girl: “Ew! You’re my father, I’m not gonna suck your dick!”
Few minutes go by and she considers her dad’s request as she really needs to borrow the car.
Girl: “Fine dad, I’ll suck your dick if you let me borrow your car but you can’t tell anyone about this.”
Girl drops to her knees and sucks on the dad’s dick.  Instantly, she jumps up with a look of disgust on her face.
Girl: “Gross dad! Your dick tastes like shit!”
Dad: “Damn that’s right, your brother has the car!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b72tax/the_daughter_walks_up_to_her_dad_and_asks_to/
%
So a blonde is invited to a Lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.
On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for the microphone, grasping for any idea, and stares at the crowd. "hmm, let me think about this", she mutters to herself.
The crowd breaks into cheers and applause, confetti falls from the sky, and the Judge walks up to her, and gives her the first place award.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b72t90/so_a_blonde_is_invited_to_a_lying_competition/
%
Parliament vote on Picasso painting:

Eyes to the left: 2
Nose to the right: 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b72sa8/parliament_vote_on_picasso_painting/
%
A Doctor delivers terrible news to his patient...

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine! Eight! Seven! Six....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b72s2z/a_doctor_delivers_terrible_news_to_his_patient/
%
A horse walks into a bar and says, “On a right-angled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?”

The bartender says, “Y, long face.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b72lry/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_on_a/
%
A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial.

The attorney thinks he sees an opening in the testimony.
"So tell me," he asks, "did you take the victim's pulse?"
"No," replied the examiner.
"OK... did you use your stethoscope to check the victim's heart beat?"
The examiner shook his head. "No."
"OK... did you try using a flashlight to stimulate the eyes? Look for gunshot wounds or cuts? Take tissue samples? Blood tests? ANYTHING?"
The medical examiner shook his head.
"*Then how did you know the victim was dead?!*"
The examiner paused. "Well, let me put it this way," he said. "His brain was sitting on a jar on my desk, courtesy of the first responders- but for all I know, the victim could be out practicing law somewhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b72iv8/a_defense_attorney_is_cross_examining_the_medical/
%
Good women are found in every corner of the earth

Unfortunately, earth is round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b72gsw/good_women_are_found_in_every_corner_of_the_earth/
%
My wife told me today "Look! I've had this since high school and it still fits perfectly!"

Me: "Yeah, it's a fucking scarf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b72gjw/my_wife_told_me_today_look_ive_had_this_since/
%
I was walking home when I saw two guys beating up a kid in an alley

I immediately jumped in to help.
He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b72eyv/i_was_walking_home_when_i_saw_two_guys_beating_up/
%
Condescending people are the worst!!!!

it means they talk down to others

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b72a3e/condescending_people_are_the_worst/
%
What does every racist joke start with?

A look over the shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b728bz/what_does_every_racist_joke_start_with/
%
I got a new cat yesterday and have decided to name it Brexit

He always meows loudly to be let out but when I open the door, he refuses to go through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7274b/i_got_a_new_cat_yesterday_and_have_decided_to/
%
My wife and I have decided that we do not want children

If you do please send us your details and we will drop them off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b726gh/my_wife_and_i_have_decided_that_we_do_not_want/
%
What type of people never get angry?

The nomads!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b725wr/what_type_of_people_never_get_angry/
%
I went to a Halloween party

Dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered.
"The Chicken"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b725vn/i_went_to_a_halloween_party/
%
John F. Kenndy's birth name was John Kennedy

The f was added to pay respect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71xy7/john_f_kenndys_birth_name_was_john_kennedy/
%
Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71whj/why_did_the_cows_keep_returning_to_the_field_of/
%
On the train.

Instead of waiting for everyone to get off, some guy jostles for the train.
An older gentleman goes to him and says:
"You lost something out there."
The guy goes out and looks around, but he doesn't find anything.
Older Gentleman: "Keep looking, it's your manners".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71wep/on_the_train/
%
A woman walks into a bar...

...and asks the bartender for a double entendre.
So he gave it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71w74/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71vf1/why_cant_helen_keller_drive/
%
I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts

He said I have to start paying in advance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71srt/i_finally_told_my_therapist_i_was_having_suicidal/
%
Not paying for a meal is called a Dine and Dash..

Surely not paying for a haircut is a cut and run?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71sp2/not_paying_for_a_meal_is_called_a_dine_and_dash/
%
Why are all the good Genetic Scientists from NZ?

They've been mixing human and sheep DNA for centuries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71kxq/why_are_all_the_good_genetic_scientists_from_nz/
%
Young Bill

was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch.
One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prized stallion humping one of his mares.
He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.
He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to do what that stallion is doing."
Mabel whispered back, "Go ahead. She's your mare!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71jqf/young_bill/
%
Two Arabs get on a plane

One sat by the window and the other sat in the middle. Just before take off a Jewish fellow comes up and takes the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He takes off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just getting settled in when one of the Arabs said "I think I'll get a coke" the Jewish guy says "No problem I'll get it for you." The jewish man gets up to get the arab his coke. While he is gone the arab grabs one of the Jews shoes and spits in it before putting it back. The Jew returns with the coke and the other Arab guy says "That looks good, can you get me one?" The Jew goes back and while he is gone the other arab grabs his other shoe and spits in it. The Jew comes back and gives the arab his coke and they all settle in and enjoy the flight to LA.
When the plane was getting ready to land, the Jew put his shoes back on and immiediatly knew wjat had happened. The two Arabs laughed while the Jewish fellow stood up and said "When will this end, all this hostility, all this animosity all this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71ivg/two_arabs_get_on_a_plane/
%
My girlfriend asked me why I was blow-drying my crotch...

Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the response she was looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71i8r/my_girlfriend_asked_me_why_i_was_blowdrying_my/
%
WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!!

I will find you, I have contacts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71he9/warning_to_whom_ever_took_my_glasses/
%
I had a great joke about cocaine, but I can’t seem to remember it.

I’m really upset—-I had it all lined up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71gs5/i_had_a_great_joke_about_cocaine_but_i_cant_seem/
%
Wanna have an exciting night ?

A girl brings a guy home from the club.
Before they enter the house she mentions
Hope it's ok that I live at home with the family...
Yeah it's fine says the guy
They start to kiss and as thing start to heat up the girl says :
Oh BTW did I mention that my father is in the Counter Terrorist Corps ? My Mom is in the Homicide Corps and they are light sleepers
Guy thinks : Where the hell am I...but...they resume kissing...
Oh BTW my brother just returned from Afghanistan and he sleeps in the room next door.
says the girl
Guy thinks : Oh man ...gotta keep it quiet...
Girl takes off her top and asks : Wanna have an exciting night ?
Well yeah !!!
Help help he's raping me !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71fws/wanna_have_an_exciting_night/
%
Finished putting a load in the dishwasher when I thought to myself..

She’s on the pill right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b71bq0/finished_putting_a_load_in_the_dishwasher_when_i/
%
I’m a recovering alcoholic.

I didn’t quit drinking, I’m just recovering from last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b719kd/im_a_recovering_alcoholic/
%
What did the moose say after leaving the gay bar?

"Man, I blew like 20 bucks in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b718dy/what_did_the_moose_say_after_leaving_the_gay_bar/
%
What does an oyster use when its shell is dry?

Oysterizer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b714v3/what_does_an_oyster_use_when_its_shell_is_dry/
%
Day 329 without sex

I went to Starbucks just so that I could hear someone scream my name....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b710zo/day_329_without_sex/
%
Dennis Rodman looks like the type of person

to let Kim Jong-un call him the N-word as long as he says it with a hard “L”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b70wf0/dennis_rodman_looks_like_the_type_of_person/
%
What's the difference between an astronaut and a cosmonaut?

Astronauts take it slow, cosmonauts are always rushin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b70uz8/whats_the_difference_between_an_astronaut_and_a/
%
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno, dos..." poof. He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b70u80/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
%
There have been a lot of layoffs at work

So, to help with moral, our boss suggested a themed costume party at work. The theme he decided on was “feelings” and I got a big of smilie face costume.
I thought it was going to be lame but it was a huge success and a lot my co-workers got into it. Someone was a glowing red angry face, there was a sadness costume that artificially cried, etc.
However, everything changed when Fred, who was laid off, arrived in a giant pear costume. Our boss, aptly in the red angry face costume, was furious. He stormed up to him yelling:
“Gary, the hell are you doing here? Not only is this a private event but your costume doesn’t even match our theme!”
Shocked, and a little embarrassed, Fred replied:
“But sir, getting laid off really depressed me. I’m in dis pear”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b70st0/there_have_been_a_lot_of_layoffs_at_work/
%
A fat person walks in the street

He sees a thin person and says: when I see you, I always think there’s hunger in your country. The thin person replies: and when I see you, I think it’s your fault!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b70s3o/a_fat_person_walks_in_the_street/
%
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones say "Hey, you, get offa of my cloud" while a Scotsman says "Hey MacLeod, get offa my ewe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b70rjv/whats_the_difference_between_the_rolling_stones/
%
Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad

When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....
That his dad was outstanding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b70r56/ben_was_at_home_looking_for_his_super_cool/
%
What's it called when you're still on your mom's health insurance?

Yomamacare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b70pjd/whats_it_called_when_youre_still_on_your_moms/
%
Which race do you hate the most?

I hate marathons................too many Kenyans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b70nqk/which_race_do_you_hate_the_most/
%
Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don’t have to be?

Because it’s sad when a dog dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b70gw2/why_is_it_that_your_dogs_have_to_be_vaccinated_to/
%
People named Jean are always clean

Because the first thing they're greeted with is "Hygiene".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b70emd/people_named_jean_are_always_clean/
%
What do you call a male cow who is taking a nap?

A bull dozer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b70dkd/what_do_you_call_a_male_cow_who_is_taking_a_nap/
%
I'm going to Rio de Janeiro over Easter to see if I can find Jesus.

Heard he's really big over there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b70auz/im_going_to_rio_de_janeiro_over_easter_to_see_if/
%
A father was about to tell his ten year old son about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know”, said the son.
“Why?” said the father.
“Because when I was seven you told me there was no tooth fairy, when I was eight you told me there was no Easter bunny and when I was nine you told me there was no Santa Claus. If you’re about to tell me grown ups don’t actually fuck I’ve got nothing else to live for!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b704ym/a_father_was_about_to_tell_his_ten_year_old_son/
%
I asked if he wanted to hear a Potassium joke

He said K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b703jr/i_asked_if_he_wanted_to_hear_a_potassium_joke/
%
There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.

Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
Doctor: I know... that's my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b7037h/there_was_a_doctor_and_a_patient_in_a_hospital/
%
When it comes to what I like most about dad jokes, I will say this:

this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6zoqu/when_it_comes_to_what_i_like_most_about_dad_jokes/
%
My buddy told me to be careful in Thailand

Apparently it’s full of booby traps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6zly5/my_buddy_told_me_to_be_careful_in_thailand/
%
It's not right to assume that a janitor can clean your chimney.

You shouldn't make sweeping generalizations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6zk36/its_not_right_to_assume_that_a_janitor_can_clean/
%
A construction worker on the seventh floor of a building needs a handsaw

A construction worker working on the seventh floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and tries yelling that he needs a handsaw. The worker on the ground floor looks up, but because of the distance he can't make out what the worker on the seventh floor is saying.
The worker on the seventh floor gets an idea. He tries using a crude form of sign language: first, he pointed to his eye to mean "I", then his knee to mean "need", and then moved his hands back and forth, mimicking the use of a hand saw. The worker on the ground nods his head, then pulls down his pants and starts masturbating.
The worker on the seventh floor is so outraged and bewildered that he runs to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you?! I said I needed a handsaw, idiot!"
The other worker replies, "I knew that; I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6zhjm/a_construction_worker_on_the_seventh_floor_of_a/
%
What do men in Thailand say when they can’t get girls?

“Phuket! I’m just going to Bangkok instead!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6zf04/what_do_men_in_thailand_say_when_they_cant_get/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6zein/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
NSFW Disappointment

When you run at a wall with an erection and break your nose...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6zc0t/nsfw_disappointment/
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Little Johnny's Shakespeare assignment

So there's an English class, and each kid has to memorize a stanza of Shakespeare. Johnny's stanza reads as follows:
Hark! I think I heard a pistol shot.
Yonder lies a fair maiden with hope in her soul.
I think I'll snatch a kiss and sneak off into the woods.
By William Shakespeare
So Johnny is at home, practicing and practicing...
"Hark! I think I heard a pistol shot.
Yonder lies a fair maiden with hope in her soul.
I think I'll snatch a kiss and sneak off into the woods.
By William Shakespeare"
Well, the big day comes, and Johnny is nervously standing in front of the class. He begins:
"Hark! I think I heard a shistle pop.... An Apostle shit...
Yonder lies a fair maiden with soap in her hole.
I think I'll kiss her snatch and sneak off into the woods.
By William Snakeshit... horseshit ... bullshit
Ah, fuck it. I never wanted to learn Shakespeare anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6za7x/little_johnnys_shakespeare_assignment/
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A legless man walks into a bar

He walks up to the bar and greets the bartender.
I bet you're wondering how I'll make a high-quality, funny explanation for a legless man walking up to a bar. You might also be wondering how he can see over the bar to greet the bartender in the first place. You might also be wondering if everyone at the bar is hallucinating, and the entire encounter is in their heads.
To answer all three questions, when you're in /r/jokes, the bar's not high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6z385/a_legless_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Which store do the Kardashians put most of their time and energy into?

Photoshop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6z1s5/which_store_do_the_kardashians_put_most_of_their/
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What is Gordon Ramsays least favourite subreddit?

r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6yzav/what_is_gordon_ramsays_least_favourite_subreddit/
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Why was 42 the answer to life, the universe, and everything?

Because it's the most fortuitous number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6yoff/why_was_42_the_answer_to_life_the_universe_and/
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What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6yn2p/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
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What did the Spanish guy say when he saw original content?

Oh si

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ylez/what_did_the_spanish_guy_say_when_he_saw_original/
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How do you offend a photon?

You tell it that it doesn't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6yj2m/how_do_you_offend_a_photon/
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The teacher gave

her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
"Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6yien/the_teacher_gave/
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As a vet i dislike working with ducks

They keep calling me a quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6yeq3/as_a_vet_i_dislike_working_with_ducks/
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What do you call a loud military base?

A FORTissimmo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6yawo/what_do_you_call_a_loud_military_base/
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My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6y9bw/my_ex_divorced_me_because_she_said_i_treated_her/
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The artist and the museum (long)

An artist is approached by a man who says he's to be the curator of a new museum dedicated to General George Custer and he wanted to hire the artist to paint a mural that was to be the centerpiece of the largest display.
The artist agrees and asks the curator if he had any particular subject in mind.
The curator thinks a moment and tells him he wants the mural to commemorate General Custer's last thoughts.
The artist agrees and sets to work. He puts up scaffolding and hangs a huge dropcloth so that he may work undisturbed.
Days turn into weeks, weeks into months and still the artist is at work. Finally one night he climbs down and tells the curator he's finished. They agree to unveil the mural together at the grand opening which the curator hurriedly assembles.
Finally opening day has arrived and large crowds and plenty of press are on hand. The curator proudly shows everyone around before reaching the still hidden mural.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he begins, "while I've taken great pride and pleasure in having so far shown you our displays it is now time to reveal the most important display of all, a mural commissioned to showcase General Custer's last thoughts!"
The curator turns to the artist who with a bit of flourish pulls a rope dropping the cloth covering the mural.
The crowd gasps. Cameras flash.
Upon the wall is a painting of a lake, and from the middle of the lake an enormous turd is rising from the water with an illuminated halo around the top. All around the shores are depictions of Native Americans performing every variety of sex act imaginable.
Furious and stunned the curator runs to the artist and grabs him by his shirt. Red faced and sweaty he screams at him "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS ABOMINATION? EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"
The artist calmly backs away and says "But sir, this is what you asked for, its General Custer's last thoughts....
Holy shit, look at all those fucking Indians!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6xzga/the_artist_and_the_museum_long/
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What's the job of a gentleman pimp?

To tally-hoes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6xkz4/whats_the_job_of_a_gentleman_pimp/
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In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6xkxc/in_a_hospital_serving_victims_of_land_mines_a/
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Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’

He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?” I asked.
“It’s not unusual” he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6xjun/doc_i_cant_stop_singing_the_green_green_grass_of/
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I entered ten puns into a pun contest

I was hoping at least one would win, and in fact seven did. The prize was that they would be published in the local paper.
A week after they were published, I was contacted by a huge publisher that said they liked my puns so much that they offered to pay me an advance to write a book of puns!
The first book sold extremely well, and that cemented me as a world famous comedian and author. I had several Netflix specials as well as a couple world tours.
It was during one of those tours where I met my wife. It wasn't even during one of my acts. I was just waiting in line at a gelato stand and she struck up a conversation with me.
We had two beautiful children. The first, Michael, was a always curious about the world around him. He loved butterflies and wanted to work at the conservatory. Our second, Julia, was a real handful. She loved running around and hoped to make the national women's soccer team.
Unfortunately Michael was diagnosed with leukaemia when he was seven. He passed away two years later. Even now, forty years after he died, I think about him every day. We bought a plot of land on the butterfly conservatory grounds and planted a hedgerow where we spread his ashes. The butterflies love to land on the branches.
Julia never did make the women's soccer team. Instead, she got a career as a real estate agent and moved to rural Alaska. She made a good living selling huge tracts of land before she met her husband and moved back to our hometown to be closer to family.
My wife and I are nearing our deaths, now. My comedy days are long over. I get asked every now and then to make an appearance or do an interview. Why, just last week I was talking to another reporter who asked about how I got started in comedy.
Reporter: you've had quite a fascinating life. Would you say that everything has gone according to plan?
Me: Nope, unintended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6xijc/i_entered_ten_puns_into_a_pun_contest/
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What is better than sex on the beach?

Not having sand in your vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6xi51/what_is_better_than_sex_on_the_beach/
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A man sends his son out with a duck and tells him to make some money

So the son naturally heads for the county fair to see if anyone wants to buy it. Along the way, he sees this ugly prostitute.
The prostitute walks up to him and says, "Hey that's a nice duck you got there. Tell ya what. If you give me that duck, I'll fuck you."
So they go into the woods and do the deed. After they come out, the prostitute says "Man, that was a nice fuck. Tell ya what. If I give the duck back, you have to fuck me again."
So the prostitute gives the duck back, and they go into the woods again and fuck.
After they are done, the son heads back towards the county fair to try and make some money.
Along the way, the duck jumps out of the sons hands and gets run over by a big truck. The driver gets out and says, "Man I'm real sorry about your duck. Here's $25 so you won't tell my boss."
As the day ends, the son goes back home and meets his dad.
The dad asks, "Well did ya make anything?". The son replies "Well lemme tell ya. I got a duck for a fuck, a fuck for a duck, and $25 for a fucked up duck."
Happy Friday everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6xfba/a_man_sends_his_son_out_with_a_duck_and_tells_him/
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Running late to work

So I’m on my way to work. This Dodge Durango is in front of me is going slow. Then I noticed it was for sale. the number was on the back window. So I decided to call it.
ME “ i’m calling about the blue Durango”
THEM “ok, yes it’s for sale”
ME  “Does it run”
THEM “yes it does”
ME “ well step on the gas or get the hell out of my way”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6xdf1/running_late_to_work/
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Rest In Peace, boiling water.

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6xcbe/rest_in_peace_boiling_water/
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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front...

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. Stalin then orders Zhukov brought back.
Two minutes later, Zhukov is back in the room facing Stalin.
"Comrade Zhukov," begins Stalin, "would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?"
"I said 'fucking asshole with a mustache' Comrade Stalin."
"And who were you referring to, Comrade Zhukov?"
"Why, Comrade Stalin, Hitler of course..."
Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev,
"And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did you think he was referring to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6wyq6/at_the_height_of_wwii_on_the_eastern_front/
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Why are almost every joke on this sub eco-friendly?

Including this one, they are all recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6wtr5/why_are_almost_every_joke_on_this_sub_ecofriendly/
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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6wtkq/i_bought_my_blind_friend_a_cheese_grater_for_his/
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How much do bones weigh?

About a skeleTON

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6wnuy/how_much_do_bones_weigh/
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I was interviewed as a swimming instructor the other day...

...they asked what my favourite stroke is. apparently “the one that killed margaret thatcher” isn’t the answer they were looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6wnla/i_was_interviewed_as_a_swimming_instructor_the/
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My friend asked me if I had to have sex with my mother to save my father's life what would I do?

Apparently reverse cowgirl is the wrong answer.
That's a Jimmy Carr joke, btw. It's my go to at the moment. Happy Friday everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6wkqx/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_had_to_have_sex_with_my/
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My friend told me that he was sent to a therapy group for procrastinators.

They haven't conducted the first session yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6wi4t/my_friend_told_me_that_he_was_sent_to_a_therapy/
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What is green and races out of your nose at 200 MPH?

A Lambooghini!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6whui/what_is_green_and_races_out_of_your_nose_at_200/
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Why is Judas afraid of coming second in the Olympics?

The last time he got silver, one of his friends ended up being really cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6wejc/why_is_judas_afraid_of_coming_second_in_the/
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A man was shot dead today by police after attempting to steal a comedians notebook.

Some people just can’t take jokes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6wb0e/a_man_was_shot_dead_today_by_police_after/
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What's R Kelly's favorite musical key?

A Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6w2di/whats_r_kellys_favorite_musical_key/
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Masturbating before sex

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided “what the hell, I’ll try it!” He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the bathroom but that was too open. He considered an alley but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally he realized his solution. On his way home he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining his vehicle. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to his big finish he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm he kept his eyes shut and replied “WHAT?” He heard “This is the police! What’s going on down there??” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted!” Came the reply, “Well you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6vx89/masturbating_before_sex/
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What did Medusa tell the perv before she turned him into stone?

My eyes are up here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6vu6d/what_did_medusa_tell_the_perv_before_she_turned/
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Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6vtbc/why_does_santa_have_such_a_big_sack/
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Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire
Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"
Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"
Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"
He giggled to himself for about 10 minutes after that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6vofq/good_one_from_my_dad_i_can_cut_wood_by_just/
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I know this is a joke subreddit, but can we draw the line on joking about white people food?

It’s incredibly tasteless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6vo1l/i_know_this_is_a_joke_subreddit_but_can_we_draw/
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whats the difference between lord of the rings and new york?

two towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6vlgx/whats_the_difference_between_lord_of_the_rings/
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My wife told me she was going to do something to me with her mouth that would make me scream.

Turns out she meant she was going to testify against me in open court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6vk4a/my_wife_told_me_she_was_going_to_do_something_to/
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Why do archaeologists collect used tampons?

They like to figure out what period they came from..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6vhdx/why_do_archaeologists_collect_used_tampons/
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The marching contest

Three countries were having a marching contest. America, Spain and Russia. They had 3 weeks to prepare.
The Russian soldiers marching was perfect. They were all in time, with great rhythm.
The American soldiers were also close to immaculate.
But, the Spanish soldiers were a mess. They couldn't get the timing right and managed to somehow fall over continuously.
The day came for the marching contest. Russia and America were the 2 countries that were most likely going to win, while Spain had no hope. The first competitor was Russia. They marched perfectly, just how they did in practice. A score of 9. America was the same, but a few mistakes. A score of 8.
Now came Spains turn. Then suddenly, it was as if they had been practicing for years. It was perfect, as if they were robots. Each footstep was at the exact same time as the others. Their body movement was amazing to watch. A score of 10.
After the contest the American and Russian marching leaders asked the Spain leader how they did it.
The Spain leader replies: "Well, nobody expects the Spanish in position!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6vbiz/the_marching_contest/
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An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru

and says: “Oh great guru, please cure me of my ailment guruji!” As the woman was attractive, the mystic guru said “I will cure you my child, but as token of you gratitude, you must go to bed with me.”
She agreed, and the guru had the best sex of his life with the woman.
Then the guru asked “Tell me, my child. what is your ailment?”. “I have AIDS” replied the woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6v66o/an_attractive_young_woman_goes_to_a_mystic_guru/
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When you die, which part of your body will decay last?

Your pupils... because they die late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6v33n/when_you_die_which_part_of_your_body_will_decay/
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How do 69° and 21° maintain a strong relationship?

They complement each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6uz0h/how_do_69_and_21_maintain_a_strong_relationship/
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Ancient Egyptians invented the 24 hour clock.

They didn't know what to call it, so they just called it a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6uxwy/ancient_egyptians_invented_the_24_hour_clock/
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There's a single line of footprints in the desert

. A man asks Jesus why there is only one set of footprints. Jesus replies "because sand people walk in single file to conceal their numbers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6uwqr/theres_a_single_line_of_footprints_in_the_desert/
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NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding

When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration.
“What’s a licence” she asks
So the cop explains what a licence is.
The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop.
“I also need to registration” reminds the cop
“What’s a registration” she asks
So the cop explains what a registration is to her.
“I have one of those” she says as she grabs it and hands it over.
So the cop takes the licence and registration back to his car to write up the ticket.  As he’s writing up the ticket he tells his partner how dumb this blonde is.
His partner thinks a minute and says “when you take the ticket to her, give her everything then drop your pants to see what her reaction is.”
So the cop finishes writing up the ticket and heads back to the blonde.  He hands her her licence, registration and the ticket then drops his pants.
The blonde looks confused for a second then her face falls, “oh no, not another breathalyzer test”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6uvgu/nsfw_cop_pulls_over_a_blonde_for_speeding/
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What do you call an amputee learning karate?

Partial arts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6uuxo/what_do_you_call_an_amputee_learning_karate/
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I didn’t lose my virginity til I was 23...

other than that, prison wasn’t too bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6umvv/i_didnt_lose_my_virginity_til_i_was_23/
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A man walks into a saloon

...he takes off his hat and throws it in an arc. Six men lose their hats. Everyone is impressed, they yell out: "Wow! What's your name?"
"They call me Hat-Bill."
Another man walks in, grabs his gun and fires off six rounds. Six men lose their hats. The crowd yells out: "Wow! What's your name?"
"They call me Gun-Bill."
A third man walks in. He has six arms. In a flash, he grabs the hats off the heads of six men. Everyone is speechless. Finally, one guy yells: "Wow! What's your name?"
"They call me...
...Chernobyl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6uklw/a_man_walks_into_a_saloon/
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A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ujb1/a_man_is_on_is_death_sentence_and_he_gets_to/
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I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.

When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"
The ignorant bastard just ignored me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ue20/i_found_a_hearing_aid_outside_my_garden_gate/
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What do you call a dinner at a fancy restaurant with your 3 year old?

Whine & dine
I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6uclk/what_do_you_call_a_dinner_at_a_fancy_restaurant/
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Why do trees make good missionaries?

They make people beleave in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6u4hh/why_do_trees_make_good_missionaries/
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Yesterday, i saw a frog without legs

that's hopless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6u2tz/yesterday_i_saw_a_frog_without_legs/
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Those lying politicians

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.
Farmer; they crashed near my farm and I buried all of them
One of the policemen asked with shocked ; are you sure they were all dead ?
Farmer ; some of them were screaming “ we are still alive”
But I couldn’t believe them .
You know these politicians, they can lie...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6tw5x/those_lying_politicians/
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I decided to make my password “incorrect”

Because if I type it wrong, my computer will remind me with: “your password is incorrect”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6tv1i/i_decided_to_make_my_password_incorrect/
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Don’t knock it till you try it

Unless it’s murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6tsfd/dont_knock_it_till_you_try_it/
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Sidewalks need to be fixed!

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ts6y/sidewalks_need_to_be_fixed/
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I once dated a girl with a lazy eye.

She was seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6tri4/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
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[OC] I really wish my friend would quit his job.

Every time I ask him about work, he gets annoyed and tells me it’s boring. Literally every time. He’s been fine except when I ask him about work. I wish he’d just quit, because he used to be so much fun before he started his new job a few months ago. We haven’t spoken in a week because he flew off the handle at me. All I did was ask him about work.
Me: “Hey, Mike. How’s the drilling game?”
Mike: “Jesus Christ! How many times do I have to tell you?! It’s fucking boring!”
I never thought drilling tunnels would be so boring. I really wish he’d quit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6tqve/oc_i_really_wish_my_friend_would_quit_his_job/
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A boy really likes a girl

so he asks her out to the prom. She says yes, so they go. At the prom, she asks for him to get some punch. He goes, and to his disbelief, there's no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6tnsn/a_boy_really_likes_a_girl/
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I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses on last night...

My dreams never have been clearer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6tman/i_accidentally_went_to_bed_with_my_contact_lenses/
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I wasn’t sure my surgeons could handle my hepatectomy...

But they really de-livered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6tktk/i_wasnt_sure_my_surgeons_could_handle_my/
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My friend thinks he's so smart

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry -
so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6tk5c/my_friend_thinks_hes_so_smart/
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I got 99 problems

and being bad with numbers is 103 of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6tehr/i_got_99_problems/
%
I met a missionary once.

He said it was an interesting position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6tdq3/i_met_a_missionary_once/
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Golfing with a hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
Sure, they said, you’re welcome.
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
I’m a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!” was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
“Sure, what do you want?”
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save ya a grand here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6t94t/golfing_with_a_hitman/
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A hunt for a missing 6-year old boy ended after 10 hours when the child was found sleeping in the trunk of his uncle's car.

It was a kidnapping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6t3w6/a_hunt_for_a_missing_6year_old_boy_ended_after_10/
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Have you seen the movie constipation?

No, because it hasn’t come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6t1tb/have_you_seen_the_movie_constipation/
%
A man asked a wise Guru: "What is the secret to eternal happiness?"

The wise Guru answered: "To not argue with fools."
The man says: "I disagree."
The wise Guru replied: "Yes, you are right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6st4s/a_man_asked_a_wise_guru_what_is_the_secret_to/
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Whats the difference between a chihuahua and a Jewish kid playing Hopscotch?

One is yippy and skiddish, the other is skippy and Yiddish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6srgo/whats_the_difference_between_a_chihuahua_and_a/
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Why did the little boy throw a stick of butter out of the window?

To see a butterfly!
Again, thanks dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6sd2q/why_did_the_little_boy_throw_a_stick_of_butter/
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What do they call an Italian hooker?

A pasta-tute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6s6vc/what_do_they_call_an_italian_hooker/
%
Does anyone know of any forums for fellow ax murderers?

We can share LifeHacks ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6s2tt/does_anyone_know_of_any_forums_for_fellow_ax/
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Constipation can be a serious condition.

No shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6s0v7/constipation_can_be_a_serious_condition/
%
John goes to pick up his girlfriend for a date, and meet her dad for the first time.

As he walks in the house, he's greeted by his girlfriend's father who explains she is still getting ready and will be down shortly. They move to the living room where the family dog, Butch, is laying on the floor next to where John is sitting. John had pretty bad gas, and the room was silent. After a few minutes, he couldn't hold it any longer, and let one rip. The dad looks up from his newspaper and exclaims "Butch!" This is when John realizes the dad is convinced the farts are coming from the dog and he's off the hook. For the next few minutes John continues to let them rip, and the dad continues to look at the dog with a stern, strong "Butch!" Finally, John feels the big one coming, and with no hesitation lets it rip. Visibly upset, the dad looks at the dog and yells "Butch! Get away from John before he shits all over you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6s0hn/john_goes_to_pick_up_his_girlfriend_for_a_date/
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Germans consider the Titanic a joke.

Which is understandable, if you sink about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6rrdz/germans_consider_the_titanic_a_joke/
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I saw a guy trying to blow himself up

Don't believe me? Go and C 4 yourselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6rnk3/i_saw_a_guy_trying_to_blow_himself_up/
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What did the sailor say to the prostitute?

Land Ho!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6rh8r/what_did_the_sailor_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
A man and a woman are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant

Right around when the appetizers they hear a loud sound like galloping hooves on the marble floor.
They both turn to see a half-man half-horse jogging around the restaurant
Eventually it stops running and stands at attention.
They stare
A loud trumpet sounds and the Head Waiter yells "The Honorable Mr. Angus T. Worthington has arrived."
The half horse half man walks to the bar. It orders a triple Bourbon and drinks it in one shot.
While the man and woman are flabbergasted; it grabs a guitar and begins to play an acoustic version of Hey There Delilah while making aggressive eye contact.
The man asks his wife: Who on Earth is that?
His wife shakes her head and says: "Just the Centaur of Attention"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6rh1v/a_man_and_a_woman_are_out_to_dinner_at_a_fancy/
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Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6r9l7/why_does_england_feel_like_its_two_months_ahead/
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My mom thought she could beat me at Scrabble

But I wooden letter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6r8tl/my_mom_thought_she_could_beat_me_at_scrabble/
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My Wife has been forcing me to stand on one leg for years.

Enough is enough. I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6r3iv/my_wife_has_been_forcing_me_to_stand_on_one_leg/
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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6qxtm/told_my_wife_i_was_so_stressed_that_only_a/
%
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6qxbo/the_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_him_dad_whats/
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Why does Gordon Ramsey always use a condom during sex?

Because otherwise, it’s ***FUCKING RAW!!!***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6qrdl/why_does_gordon_ramsey_always_use_a_condom_during/
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In the middle of the night...

...a frustrated wife starts singing the national anthem loudly. “What are you doing, darling?” inquires the husband. “Well, I was giving it one last shot, honey,” replied the wife, “the whole nation stands erect when this song is heard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6qr6f/in_the_middle_of_the_night/
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At the age of 25, I FINALLY learned the meaning of the numbers on a clock.

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ql51/at_the_age_of_25_i_finally_learned_the_meaning_of/
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The White House reversed its proposed cuts to the Special Olympics.

Now Don Jr. can finally get back to training.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6qj5s/the_white_house_reversed_its_proposed_cuts_to_the/
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyonc’e

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6q9o3/what_did_jayz_call_his_girlfriend_before_they_got/
%
I was digging up our garden when I found a box full of old rare coins. I was really excited so I ran inside to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging up our garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6q2xx/i_was_digging_up_our_garden_when_i_found_a_box/
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What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF File.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6pveh/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_up_his/
%
Sometimes I like to rub cheese all over my body before making love, other times I enjoy eating cheese during sex.

Guess you could say they're my feta-shes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6psxe/sometimes_i_like_to_rub_cheese_all_over_my_body/
%
Why are teachers so rude during summer vacation?

Because they have no class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6pr76/why_are_teachers_so_rude_during_summer_vacation/
%
A man grabs a case of beer off the store shelf...

His wife stops him and asks "What do you think you're doing?" The man responds "It's a 24 pack on sale for $10. That's a great deal." His wife tells him they can't afford it and to put it back. A little while later the wife grabs a $20 jar of skin cream off the shelf. The man stops her and asks "What do you think you're doing? That's $20! We can't afford that!" She quickly answers back "This is different. This makes me look beautiful for you."
The man says "So does the beer and that's half the price!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6pmcx/a_man_grabs_a_case_of_beer_off_the_store_shelf/
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I have a friend who can only read sometimes.

I have a friend who can only understand written language if all the words of a sentence start with the same letter, if not then he can't read at all; that is to say, he's completely alliterate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6pgzi/i_have_a_friend_who_can_only_read_sometimes/
%
What did the sexy brown chicken say to the sexy brown cow?

Brown-chicken-brown-cow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6pf7l/what_did_the_sexy_brown_chicken_say_to_the_sexy/
%
A shark is teaching his kid how to attack swimmers.

"Make sure your dorsal fin is above the water and swim toward them *really fast*, then veer away at the last moment. Do that a few times, and then go back and eat them."
"But why not just come up from below and eat them right away?"
"Well, they taste a lot better if you *empty* 'em first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6pela/a_shark_is_teaching_his_kid_how_to_attack_swimmers/
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When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings

you know she's a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6pbj2/when_your_girlfriend_comes_home_in_a_white_suit/
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An American revolutionary war veteran went to London for a grand ball.

Upon his arrival, the man in charge welcomed him graciously. They laughed and danced with the  men and women until midnight, where he suddenly felt the urge to use the bathroom.
After receiving directions by the man, he walked inside the large bathroom to find that the only decoration was a rather badly painted portrait of George Washington hanging on the wall opposite the toilet. The veteran took little notice of it, and did his business.
When he walked back out, there were people waiting for him. One of them was the man in charge, just waiting to see what the american soldier would say about the portrait of the great leader in the water closet.
The man said nothing, much to everybody’s disappointment. They said nothing until much later on, when a person went up to him, unable to take it any longer, and asked, “So, friend, what do you think about your great president’s legacy being framed in a toilet? Appropriate place, don’t you think?” He smirked, waiting for a response to the insult.
The man merely shrugged and said, “Oh yes, I think that’s a fitting position for Washington.”
The others were taken aback. The person sputtered, “B-but I thought you americans took kindly to Washington? Why do you see him to belong in a bathroom?”
The man said, “Well, everybody knows no British man shits quicker than in the sight of George Washington.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6patz/an_american_revolutionary_war_veteran_went_to/
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What do you call the Asian influence in American Culture?

An East infection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6p9e7/what_do_you_call_the_asian_influence_in_american/
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Father Dave took a seat on the A train in NYC...

and was disgusted to see a drunk sitting across from him. The disheveled smelly man was wearing a t-shirt with a photo of a naked lady on it and he reeked of alcohol. The drunk stared at the priest for a few minutes and then blurted out "Father, what causes migraines and kidney stones?" THe priest glared at the man and said "Spending time with loose women and drinking alcohol!" The drunk went quietly back to his newspaper. After a moment, the priest felt bad and said, "I am sorry. How long have you had these issues for?" The drunk replied "I don't have these issues. I read in the paper that the Pope does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6p6zw/father_dave_took_a_seat_on_the_a_train_in_nyc/
%
I had to do a dissection today.

It was heartbreaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6p2o2/i_had_to_do_a_dissection_today/
%
What do you call a Black Panther themed condom?

A Wacondom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6p1yq/what_do_you_call_a_black_panther_themed_condom/
%
Did you know that Iron Man

is actually Fe-male?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6p1xc/did_you_know_that_iron_man/
%
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat...

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6p0ez/a_man_boards_an_airplane_and_takes_his_seat/
%
My ex wife still misses me..

But her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6oz6c/my_ex_wife_still_misses_me/
%
I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit...

but that's just my 2 scents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6oyw9/i_think_its_a_great_idea_to_wear_two_different/
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A truck driver sees a naked man tied to a tree off to the side of the road.

He pulls his rig to the side and approaches the man. The man says to him, "Oh, thank God you're here. I pulled into a gas station to get some gas. I was robbed at gun point, thrown into the trunk of my car and then driven here. Then they stripped me of all of my clothes, took my wedding ring and drove off."
The truck driver shook his head, lowered his fly and said, "This just isn't your day, is it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6oxzc/a_truck_driver_sees_a_naked_man_tied_to_a_tree/
%
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn’t close his casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ou97/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_died_of_a_viagra/
%
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6otm9/how_did_burger_king_get_dairy_queen_pregnant/
%
A guy goes to a fancy dress party and one of the guests says to him “what have you come as, and why is your wife on your back?”

He replies “I’m a tortoise and that’s Michelle”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6omzv/a_guy_goes_to_a_fancy_dress_party_and_one_of_the/
%
Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!
They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"
They'll continue counting until they empty out the basket.
As they're counting, a drunk man overhears them, he goes to the gate to eavesdrop.
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"
His face goes pale, and he runs to the church to call for the priest.
"Father! You must come with me quick! The devil and his demon are counting out human souls they're going to collect!"
The priest, rather reluctantly, gets up and quickly paces over to the man. Together, they run to the cemetery.
"Just listen!" The man whispers, the priest puts his ear up to the gate.
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"
The priest's face goes white, he and the drunk man just stand there in silence, listening.
Soon enough, the two boys finish counting, but as they get up, Child 2 asks, rather loudly
"What about the two at the gate?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6oj15/two_orphan_children_are_on_the_run_after_stealing/
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My imaginary friend keeps making fun of me.

He says, “At least I have a real friend.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6oi5u/my_imaginary_friend_keeps_making_fun_of_me/
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I spent a fortune on these stripper trousers.

They're a total rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ofzp/i_spent_a_fortune_on_these_stripper_trousers/
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What do you get when you mix a Grizzly Bear with a Polar Bear?

A Bi-Polar Bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6odjc/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_grizzly_bear_with/
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What do you call a group of squid?

A squad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6o9ml/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_squid/
%
How do you turn a dick into a pussy?

Put a badge on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6o6ji/how_do_you_turn_a_dick_into_a_pussy/
%
Why did the duck take Viagra?

So he could get his down up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6nuw9/why_did_the_duck_take_viagra/
%
When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton...

...86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6nqy5/when_asked_if_they_would_have_sex_with_bill/
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Playing fetch with grenades

So I played fetch with my dog using a flash bang, I got sued by PETA.
Then I played fetch with my dog using a frag grenade, and I got offered a job from PETA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6npkk/playing_fetch_with_grenades/
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Government Contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6npji/government_contractors/
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My aunt’s star sign was cancer, so it was pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6np79/my_aunts_star_sign_was_cancer_so_it_was_pretty/
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Being white can be hard...

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6no3x/being_white_can_be_hard/
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Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6nn4n/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
%
Why did Aristotle believe men could mold themselves through their actions like clay?

His teacher was Plato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6nn4h/why_did_aristotle_believe_men_could_mold/
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What do you get when you cross a Donkey with an Onion?

An ass that will bring you to tears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ngmf/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_donkey_with_an/
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An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells “WHO HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE”

A man sitting in the corner replies,
“You won’t have enough bullets”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6neg3/an_angry_man_with_a_gun_walks_into_a_bar_and/
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If no homo makes you no gay, what makes you gay?

J.K. Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ndz9/if_no_homo_makes_you_no_gay_what_makes_you_gay/
%
Why did the duck divorce his wife?

He found out she was a quack addict.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6n8lk/why_did_the_duck_divorce_his_wife/
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I'm a rectum stretcher...

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6n1hp/im_a_rectum_stretcher/
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Where do little ships come from?

From berthing canals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6n1gf/where_do_little_ships_come_from/
%
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage

I guess you could say it was bread in captivity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6mtzp/i_went_to_the_zoo_and_saw_a_baguette_in_a_cage/
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I like to masterbate like I like my chicken wings

With a dry rub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6mtn3/i_like_to_masterbate_like_i_like_my_chicken_wings/
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An Italian, A Greek, and A Jew are Walking Down the Street.

Suddenly, there is a freak accident where a car explodes, killing all three. While standing at the gates of heaven, St. Nick comes out to greet them. They beg him to let them go back down, saying, "We have such long lives ahead of us!"
St. Nick replies, "All right. I will agree to let you go back down one one condition: you must forever abstain from your favorite thing."
The young men all readily agree, and suddenly they are standing on the street again. They start walking, when suddenly the Italian spots a pizza shop. Excited, he runs over to the door and disappears in a poof of smoke.
The Jew and the Greek are sobered by this, and they keep walking.
Suddenly, the Jew spots a quarter rolling along the sidewalk. His eyes light up, and he bends down to take it.
And then the Greek disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6msdc/an_italian_a_greek_and_a_jew_are_walking_down_the/
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I got really frustrated and my wife warned me not to cuss when the kids were around.

Me: This is such bull-
Wife: Shhh, say snake instead
Me: Oh right.. This is such snakeshit
Close one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6mrsj/i_got_really_frustrated_and_my_wife_warned_me_not/
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A married man goes to a motel with his lover

And all of a sudden finds his father-in-law's car in the parking lot. In an attempt to prank him, he keys the car all around. After that, he goes with his lover and stays a few hours at the motel. Later, he payes a visit to his father-in-law as a surprise, and finds him very upset.
-What's wrong?- the man asks, forcing himself not to laugh.
-Awful stuff-he replies- My daughter borrowed my car to go to church, and all of a sudden returned it keyed all around!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6mnxl/a_married_man_goes_to_a_motel_with_his_lover/
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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6mi7j/its_strange_to_see_christians_advocating/
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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"
Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.
"Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.
Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?
General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."
Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6mi6d/donald_trump_meets_the_queen/
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I wanted to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today.

He said, "Fuck off, go get your own."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6mg7l/i_wanted_to_share_a_sandwich_with_a_homeless_guy/
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A woman has a farting problem,she farts a lot,she went to see a doctor

,when it was her turn she entered.
The doctor: Hello,is everything okay,what's the problem?
The woman: you see doc,my problem is that i fart a lot,but the good thing is my farts have no smell, and my evidence is since I entered I farted 10 times ,and you're my witness there is no smell.
The doctor without even putting a finger on her,he wrote a prescription and gave it to her,then he told her to get back in a week.
After a week she returned
The doctor: Hi,how do you feel,is there any improvements?
The woman: No things got worse,the meds you gave me made my farts repulsive.
The doctor: good now we solved your nose problem,lets get to your ass problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6mcf5/a_woman_has_a_farting_problemshe_farts_a_lotshe/
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Smoking is injurious to health

**Doctor**: Do you smoke often?
**Me**: Only after I have sex.
**Doctor**: Well, your lungs are in perfect condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6mcdi/smoking_is_injurious_to_health/
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Want to Be Remembered By all After You Die??

Just Borrow money From all of your Relatives Before Dying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6mc74/want_to_be_remembered_by_all_after_you_die/
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I like to think of the act of pooping like a game of poker

You go all in with a royal flush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6mb2y/i_like_to_think_of_the_act_of_pooping_like_a_game/
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A man got in trouble with the IRS

, because he had too much unexplained money in his bank account. So he called his lawyer and said he'd pick him up on the way to the IRS. When they enter the office, the agent says, "Sir, I'm afraid you're gonna have to explain how you have so much money in your account."
The man calmly says, "Well, you see, I love betting."
The agent asks, "You won all this money from a card game?"
The man replies,"No, I bet on just about anything. For instance, I bet $5000 that I can bite my eye."
The agent, not seeing how this is possible, agrees.
The man takes out his glass eye, and bites it.
The man says,"Now, I don't want to leave this office on a bad note, so I'll offer you another bet so you have a chance at earning your money back plus more."
The agent says,"Go ahead, I'm listening"
The man says,"I bet $7500 that I can bite my other eye."
The agent, not seeing a seeing eye dog or a cane, agrees.
The man pulls out his dentures and bites his other eye.
The man then says,"Now hold on one second. I want to give you one more chance to earn back your money. And before you say no, consider the bet. I'll bet $15000 that I can piss in your trash can all the way at the opposite end of your office, without moving, and without spilling a drop."
The agent thinks to himself,"There is no possible way he can pee from his chair into that trash can while sitting."
So he agrees.
The man unzips his pants and pees all over the agent's desk.
The agent jumps up and down in excitement, and shouts,"Aha! I knew there was no way you could do it!"
The agent looks over at the lawyer, and asks why he looks upset.
The lawyer replies,"On the drive over here, he made a bet of $100000 with me that he would pee all over your desk and you'd be pleased"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6m96m/a_man_got_in_trouble_with_the_irs/
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Why don’t suspenders make good singers?

Because they don’t know how to belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6m8pi/why_dont_suspenders_make_good_singers/
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I had this horrible nightmare last night!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!
That's when I woke up and realized, it was just a fanta-sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6m69w/i_had_this_horrible_nightmare_last_night/
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My wife requested that I slap her pussy around a little bit before we had sex. I didn't know what to do

So I beat around the bush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6m4o1/my_wife_requested_that_i_slap_her_pussy_around_a/
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Your girlfriend thinks I'm hot

Help me buy her some glasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6m2qw/your_girlfriend_thinks_im_hot/
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I walked in on my parents having sex...

That was the most awkward 45 minutes of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6m25m/i_walked_in_on_my_parents_having_sex/
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When I finally found the perfect guitar plectrum...

I knew it was a good pick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6lxy5/when_i_finally_found_the_perfect_guitar_plectrum/
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What vaccine does a pirate with measles need?

M-M-Arrrrrr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6lvui/what_vaccine_does_a_pirate_with_measles_need/
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Why do Ivan Pavlov's dogs have the shiniest and softest fur?

Repeated conditioning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6lutr/why_do_ivan_pavlovs_dogs_have_the_shiniest_and/
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Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?

You don't know?
soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6lrwo/whats_the_differance_between_a_roast_beef/
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Everyone knows that Las Vegas is Sin City. But do you know what is Den City?

p = m/V
mass/volume

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6lr9o/everyone_knows_that_las_vegas_is_sin_city_but_do/
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Brown Paper Larry

A cowboy rides into town and sees a few guys working on a gallows. The cowboy dismounts and calls out, "Hey, sheriff, when's the hangin'?"
The sheriff says, "Saturday. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."
The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"
"Well," says the sheriff, "the man always wears clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts. Brown paper pants. Even brown paper socks."
The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are y'all hangin' him for?"
And the sheriff says, "Rustling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6lr95/brown_paper_larry/
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What’s the difference between a ginger and a brick?

At least a brick gets laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6lqy1/whats_the_difference_between_a_ginger_and_a_brick/
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So I met this smoking hot lady once and after a little chat, she takes her top off

Things were going great, she let me cup her tits, but the second I started sucking on her nipples she says “I’m getting my mammogram done somewhere else”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6lq2a/so_i_met_this_smoking_hot_lady_once_and_after_a/
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my dads favorite joke

A guy is sitting in a bar and in walks a gorgeous woman who sits down next to him and orders a scotch. The guy notices how she looks a little distressed so he asks her whats wrong? She said that her boyfriend just left her because she was too kinky for him and he couldn't handle it. The guy says wow what a coincidence, my wife left me a month ago because she said I was too kinky for her!
The pair then share a laugh and begin to drink a bit more heavily. Eventually the woman says hey lets go back to my place and we'll get into some really kinky, weird shit. Obviously, the man agrees and off they go.
They arrive to the womans house and she says let me go prepare myself and I'll be back shortly. After about 5 minutes the woman comes out and the man is putting on his jacket and getting ready to leave..
Shocked, the woman says hey where are ya going I thought we were gonna get into some weird shit?
The man replies, lady I shit in your purse and I fucked your dog, I'm good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6lpbo/my_dads_favorite_joke/
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Who is the most famous soccer player from USA?

Ronaldo McDonaldo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6lo6r/who_is_the_most_famous_soccer_player_from_usa/
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What do you call a snake thats 3.14 meters long?

A π-thon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6llg4/what_do_you_call_a_snake_thats_314_meters_long/
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The other day I took my grandad to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having him buried in the cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ljjd/the_other_day_i_took_my_grandad_to_one_of_those/
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A beta tester walks into a bar

A beta tester runs into a bar
A beta tester crawls into a bar
A beta tester moonwalks into a bar
A beta tester jumps into a bar
A beta tester sneaks into a bar
A beta tester orders 1 beer
A beta tester orders 2 beers
A beta tester orders 0 beers
A beta tester orders 999999999 beers
A beta tester orders -1 beers
A beta tester orders qwertyuip beers
A beta tester orders a lizard in a cup
A regular user walks into the bar and asks if he can use their toilet
The bar erupts into flames and burns to the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6lfn7/a_beta_tester_walks_into_a_bar/
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There's two ways to frustrate a person

The first is not finishing a sentence
The second is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6lc9x/theres_two_ways_to_frustrate_a_person/
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What do anti-vaxx kids play at the pool?

Marco Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6l39x/what_do_antivaxx_kids_play_at_the_pool/
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I walked into a room full of men masturbating

The looked shocked I didn't stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6kzac/i_walked_into_a_room_full_of_men_masturbating/
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Roses are 6, yellow is a number

I’m having a stroke, call a cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6kxg2/roses_are_6_yellow_is_a_number/
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How did the pharaoh get so rich?

He was running a huge pyramid scheme!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6kwbv/how_did_the_pharaoh_get_so_rich/
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What do you call it when someone suggests a strain of weed to you?

A reeference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6kvg7/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_suggests_a/
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I broke my finger at work today...

on the other hand I am completely fine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6kusf/i_broke_my_finger_at_work_today/
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Emergency Landing

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused.
The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain, being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her - You tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE.
Tell the British this is an HONOUR.
Tell the French this is a ROMANTIC activity,
and tell the Germans this is the LAW.
Tell the Japanese this is an ORDER, and everyone will be sorted out.
The stewardess remembered the flight had some passengers from India and Singapore too. "What about them," she asked.
The captain, taking a deep breath, patiently explained, "You need not tell the Singaporeans anything, my dear. Once they see a QUEUE, they will join it without questions."
"And what about the Indians?" she persisted.
The captain laughed, "Easy. Just tell the Indians this activity is FREE."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6kt14/emergency_landing/
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Somewhere in Alabama

Daughter : ‘ Hey dad I’m pregnant.’
Dad : ‘ Hey pregnant I’m dad.’
Daughter : ‘ Yes you are.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6kk00/somewhere_in_alabama/
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My dog's name is Butter

Butter, short for Butterscotch. Anyhow, one night, around 10pm, I went to the back porch to put Butter in her pen, and she was waiting for me. I pick her up and start to make the 15 yard walk to her pen, and this dog turns around and bites me. Now, I did what any other person would do, I dropped the dog. As she's running off into the woods, I realize, 'Hey, that's not my dog.'
So I'm standing in the middle of my back yard, in the dark, saying "I can't believe it's not Butter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6kivx/my_dogs_name_is_butter/
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Did you hear the Duracell bunny was in court last week?

He was charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6khr4/did_you_hear_the_duracell_bunny_was_in_court_last/
%
What do you call a machine that makes kids fall asleep?

A kidnapper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6khed/what_do_you_call_a_machine_that_makes_kids_fall/
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A wife and husband start talking about having kids.

Husband: Do you think your ready to have kids?
Wife: I’m not sure. They can be the greatest thing in a parent’s life.
Husband: But they can be a handful.
Wife: So do you want kids?
Husband: No, not really.
Wife: I mean I think we would be awful parents anyway.
Husband: So is it decided we aren’t having kids?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Ok, kids you heard your mom it’s time to leave, up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6kauj/a_wife_and_husband_start_talking_about_having_kids/
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A woman pregnant with twins is in a bank when two masked men enter with shotguns, a shot goes off and the woman is hit in the stomach by two stray pellets in the crossfire.

The woman goes to the doctors and they tell her that the pellets hit the unborn infants but that they would be ok, they'll just naturally pass the pellets as they get older. Years pass and the now mother is approached by her daughter "Mom, Mom I was on the toilet and a pellet came out!" The mother tells her daughter it's ok that she was told this would happen one day, A few days pass and the mother's son approaches her "Mom, Mom" the mother says "let me guess, you were going to the toilet and a pellet came out?" The son replies "No, I was having and wank and I shot the dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6k1ug/a_woman_pregnant_with_twins_is_in_a_bank_when_two/
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I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper.

She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6jvk0/i_asked_my_daughter_if_shed_seen_my_newspaper/
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If someone asks you to spell 'part' backwards, don't do it

It's a trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6jlb8/if_someone_asks_you_to_spell_part_backwards_dont/
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If you ever feel like your ideas aren't worthwhile...

remember that somebody at BMW once proposed that blinkers should be installed in their vehicles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6j7os/if_you_ever_feel_like_your_ideas_arent_worthwhile/
%
I have a very popular cemetary.

People are dying to get in here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6j6v0/i_have_a_very_popular_cemetary/
%
A blonde, a Brunette and a Red Head were stranded on an island....

The island was 50 miles from the mainland and the girls all thought they might be able to swim back, so they all jumped into the ocean.
After about 10 miles, the Brunette said, "I'm not gonna make it!" And she drowned.
After about 25 miles, the Red Head said, "I'm not gonna make it!" And she drowned.
The blonde kept going, determined to survive. She made it 49 miles. She could see the shore and people on the beach, but was extremely exhausted.
Then she said, "I'm not gonna make it!" So she swam all the way back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6j6rx/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_red_head_were_stranded/
%
What do ducks smoke?

Quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6j4ve/what_do_ducks_smoke/
%
Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence.
"Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6j2t0/juan_arrives_at_the_mexicous_border/
%
My dad finally got a job, and he has over a 1,000 people under him.

He’s cleaning headstones at the cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6iws2/my_dad_finally_got_a_job_and_he_has_over_a_1000/
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What's the difference between a man with one ball and a man with none?

Well, there's not a vas deferens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6is5q/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_with_one_ball/
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I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone

It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6iqfl/i_set_up_my_thumbprint_to_unlock_my_phone/
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A man was diagnosed with severe iron deficiency anaemia. He decided to take more iron supplements - too much, in fact. A month later, he died from the supplement overdose.

Oh, the irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6iple/a_man_was_diagnosed_with_severe_iron_deficiency/
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My Grandfather Has The Heart Of A Lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6io1h/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
What is the least spoken language in the world

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ikny/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
%
At the bookstore

Customer :  Do you have any books on turtles
Server : Hard back ?
Customer : Yeah, with little heads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ihwg/at_the_bookstore/
%
Theres no i in stupidity

Wait...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ih2q/theres_no_i_in_stupidity/
%
I've just finished writing a script for a film I titled "American Schools"

Shooting starts soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ig4m/ive_just_finished_writing_a_script_for_a_film_i/
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6i9bj/a_lawyer_married_a_woman_who_had_previously/
%
The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late

Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?" The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6i91t/the_bell_rang_for_school_to_start_and_john_walked/
%
Choir School

Do you know why choir school is hiring?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6i8wc/choir_school/
%
"Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer"

They should make condoms...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6i61d/max_factor_mascara_makes_eyelashes_appear_three/
%
A young boy walks in on his sister masturbating with a vibrator.

Innocent and confused about the anatomy, he asks, "What are you doing? Where is your penis?"
Not wanting to explain the real stuff, the sister replied, "I lost mine in an accident. I was just massaging the wound. "
The boy says, "You should learn from mom. She keeps hers safe in her nightstand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6i43r/a_young_boy_walks_in_on_his_sister_masturbating/
%
There was 5 Chinese immigrants. Their names were chu, lu, bu, fu, and su.

When they decided to go to America, they decided to change their names to something more western. They renamed themselves:
Chuck, luck, and buck. Fu and Su didn’t get a passport because they committed tax fraud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6i262/there_was_5_chinese_immigrants_their_names_were/
%
You know about that rumor, that vaccines cause autism?

Don't worry, it'll die down in around three years or so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6i0tp/you_know_about_that_rumor_that_vaccines_cause/
%
Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.
It was a grave mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hzwq/unfortunately_my_dad_lost_his_job_at_the_cemetery/
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What does the animal give?

Teacher: What does the pig give?
Student: Bacon
Teacher: What does the chicken give?
Student: Eggs
Teacher: What does the cow give?
Student: homework

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hyu4/what_does_the_animal_give/
%
So I read J. K Rowlings announcments.

I finally understand how dumbledore got The title of headmaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hvle/so_i_read_j_k_rowlings_announcments/
%
Have you heard about pogo stick cult?

Prophets have gone through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hvic/have_you_heard_about_pogo_stick_cult/
%
What goes up, must come down.

If it hasn't after 4 hours,consult your doctor .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hv62/what_goes_up_must_come_down/
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If I were ever to win the lottery, first thing I'd do is hire someone to clean my kids room...

and then buy some chicken wings with the $20 I have left over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hu25/if_i_were_ever_to_win_the_lottery_first_thing_id/
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[Vintage] two nuns were walking in a dark alley one night ...

Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them.
The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."
The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hscx/vintage_two_nuns_were_walking_in_a_dark_alley_one/
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what do you call it when you kill your friend?

homie-cide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hs01/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_kill_your_friend/
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There once was a woman who had 100 children....

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hpcv/there_once_was_a_woman_who_had_100_children/
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An Irishman goes to the doctor's surgery ...

and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."
So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."
After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom.
"Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man.
"No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?"
So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on.
"So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?"
"I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hof8/an_irishman_goes_to_the_doctors_surgery/
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What do you call a party with around 20 midgets?

A little get together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ho94/what_do_you_call_a_party_with_around_20_midgets/
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What kind of dog leaves a permanent mark?

A Shar Pei

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hjsm/what_kind_of_dog_leaves_a_permanent_mark/
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What does The Rock call his penis?

Dwayne's Johnson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hh9x/what_does_the_rock_call_his_penis/
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What's the fastest way to clear a room full of Anti-Vaxers..?

Sneeze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hg5o/whats_the_fastest_way_to_clear_a_room_full_of/
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Why is a marriage like a hurricane?

At the beginning there's a lot of blowing, and when it's over your house is gone...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hfhv/why_is_a_marriage_like_a_hurricane/
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I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hckx/i_sold_my_vacuum_cleaner_the_other_day/
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If the Top 100 dumbest people on Reddit use Twitter for a day

They will be simultaneously raising the average IQ of both social platforms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6hchu/if_the_top_100_dumbest_people_on_reddit_use/
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What do uou call a formally dressed fighter?

A tie-fighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6h4v5/what_do_uou_call_a_formally_dressed_fighter/
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Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?

The hip consultant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6h3ap/who_is_the_coolest_doctor_in_the_hospital/
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Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6h2my/putin_visits_estonia/
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After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6gu9u/after_god_created_24_hours_of_alternating/
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A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6gtry/a_mans_fence_is_broken_and_he_neess_to_hire/
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6gsup/several_centuries_ago_the_pope_decreed_that_all/
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My pal got Einstein tattooed onto his arsehole.

He's such a wisecrack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6gs5f/my_pal_got_einstein_tattooed_onto_his_arsehole/
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I was gonna post a joke about sodium

But Na, people won’t understand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6gnf1/i_was_gonna_post_a_joke_about_sodium/
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I thought my wife was going on a Belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she’d actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials.

It was a fabrication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6gme3/i_thought_my_wife_was_going_on_a_belgium_holiday/
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Man circumcised by mistake when surgeons confused him for another patient’

Guess this is what they mean by undesirable cutbacks in the NHS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6gh5n/man_circumcised_by_mistake_when_surgeons_confused/
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My friend says someone in our male friend group is gay

I hope it’s Lucas, he’s really cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6genr/my_friend_says_someone_in_our_male_friend_group/
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1 very stretched breast.

A lady walks into the doctors office,
Doctor: So what's wrong?
Lady: Well... I've got 1 normal breast and 1 very stretched breast and i don't know what to do
Doctor: Surely it isn't as bad, let me see.
\*The lady lifts her shirt and her right breast just drops out to her knee\*
Doctor: WOW! i have never seen anything like this! How is this possible?
Lady: I know right? well there is one thing..
Doctor: Tell me?
Lady: Well my husband wants to hold my breast when he sleeps.
Doctor: Hmm, but that shouldn't cause this big of a stretch..
Lady: But.. we do sleep in a bunkbed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6gdtt/1_very_stretched_breast/
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Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6gacd/depressionsuicide_jokes_are_basically_yo_mama/
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What is half of 99?

92.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6g1et/what_is_half_of_99/
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James is walking on a downtown street one day,

and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. “Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
“Not so good,” says Harry.
“Why, what happened?” James queries.
“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”
A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.
“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”
“Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires.
“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”
This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. “Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”
James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile. “Could have been worse,” he says. “Could have happened to me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6g0b7/james_is_walking_on_a_downtown_street_one_day/
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I hope my girlfriend likes this new, quirky method that I've devised to pleasure her.

Fingers crossed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6g008/i_hope_my_girlfriend_likes_this_new_quirky_method/
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Two eggs are about to have sex

And the guy egg puts on a crash helmet...
The girl egg asks "why the helmet?"
He replies "The last time I was this hard, I got hit on the head with a spoon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6fxzc/two_eggs_are_about_to_have_sex/
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Indian who remembers everything

A man was driving on his way to a business meeting amd had free time. He seen a billboard that said "Indian who remembers everything. Take next right."
The man decides to a pulls up. He sees and old Indian man sitting in front of a camper in a lawn chair. He walks up to him "how" and raises his hand
The Indian rolls his eyes and said "what would you like to know?"
"What did I have for breakfast ten years ago?"
"That's easy. Eggs."
"No, anyone could have guessed this. This is bull." And the man drove off.
Ten years later he's driving by and sees the sign. He can't believe the old man is still alive. He pulls up and walks over. "How"
"Scrambled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6fxaw/indian_who_remembers_everything/
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The two girls I met at a party were quite upset when I called them hipsters.

Apparently, the correct term is 'conjoined twins'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6fqmf/the_two_girls_i_met_at_a_party_were_quite_upset/
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A bully at school told me my clothes were gay

So a choked that asshole with my "Pale Heather Cashmere Scarf".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6fpm4/a_bully_at_school_told_me_my_clothes_were_gay/
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I've been reading this book about how people have a hard time euthanizing their pets

I just cant put it down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6fpkx/ive_been_reading_this_book_about_how_people_have/
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Pink Panther’s to do list

- To do
- To do
-  To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6fm87/pink_panthers_to_do_list/
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This kid was throwing cheese at me in the supermarket last night.

I thought, well that's mature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6flyx/this_kid_was_throwing_cheese_at_me_in_the/
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A man is on his death sentence and gets to choose his last meal.

So he asks the guard for a romaine lettuce salad, but the guard replies "You can only choose a meal, not how you want to die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6fls0/a_man_is_on_his_death_sentence_and_gets_to_choose/
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What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6fjp7/what_do_you_call_an_elephant_that_doesnt_matter/
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What’s the hardest part about being a vegetarian?

Keeping it to yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6fb9c/whats_the_hardest_part_about_being_a_vegetarian/
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What's a monkeys favourite dessert?

Lemon Morangutan Pie.
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6f9qi/whats_a_monkeys_favourite_dessert/
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I saw the most beautiful girl in the picket line.

She was truly striking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6f68u/i_saw_the_most_beautiful_girl_in_the_picket_line/
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A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose".
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing *you* home from the hospital, a *lily* petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."
The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg".
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ez10/a_woman_is_walking_home_with_her_three_daughters/
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What are the two main problems about being an egg?

You only get laid once and the only woman to sit on your face is your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6eyjs/what_are_the_two_main_problems_about_being_an_egg/
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I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer...

I don’t what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6exyt/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_my_drug_dealer/
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"I'm off to Taiwan for a blood test." "Taipei?"

"Well, I won't know my blood type until I get there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6et7a/im_off_to_taiwan_for_a_blood_test_taipei/
%
One of my friends gets paid minimum wage for watering plants.

Pour guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ermt/one_of_my_friends_gets_paid_minimum_wage_for/
%
Don’t worry if you have a stroke because you are going to be all right

Or all left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6epqk/dont_worry_if_you_have_a_stroke_because_you_are/
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Have you heard about that new study on constipation?

It hasn’t come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ehgb/have_you_heard_about_that_new_study_on/
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First thing I do everyday is take a shit,

And then I get out of bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6eezy/first_thing_i_do_everyday_is_take_a_shit/
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My friend recently came out and said he was gay.

But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6e9x4/my_friend_recently_came_out_and_said_he_was_gay/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bathroom.

Much to their surprise, the mirror greets them, saying,
"I am a magic mirror. Each one of you can tell me one way you think you are better than each of the other ladies. If you are right I will give you a reward beyond anything you could imagine. If you are wrong, I will suck you into the mirror. Proceed at your own risk."
The redhead steps up to the mirror first, looking long and hard at the other two ladies before saying,
"I think I am the prettiest of the three ladies."
The mirror is silent for a second before responding,
"Very good. You are correct. Your new private helicopter is waiting outside for you to take you to your $60 million mansion on your new private island."
The brunette and the blonde look a little hurt that they are not the prettiest ladies there, but they congratulate the redhead on her new riches, and she waits to see if the other two ladies follow in her success.
The brunette steps up to the mirror next and, after some careful thought, says,
"I think I am the smartest of the three ladies."
The mirror is again silent for a second before responding,
"Very good. You are correct. Here is a one of a kind credit card. It has no limit, and you can buy anything you want. There is also a group of three men and three ladies waiting outside the bathroom for you to be your personal assistants. They will do anything you ask of them."
Again, the redhead and the blonde look a little hurt that they are not as smart as the brunette, but they congratulate her on her success.
Finally the blonde steps up to the mirror. The other two ladies hold their breath, wondering what reward the mirror could possibly give her. After a moment of silence, the blonde finally speaks.
She says, "I think..."
And the mirror sucks her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6dzml/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_walk_into_a/
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A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress

But he wasn't so successful in doing so. The error message read:
`Error: failed to establish connection with server. `

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6dzhp/a_robot_tried_to_start_a_conversation_with_an/
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What do you call wireless headphones you give to your kids?

Heirpods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6dyrd/what_do_you_call_wireless_headphones_you_give_to/
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Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be two and now it’s a really sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6dwfy/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
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Honesty in Golf

A husband and wife of 15 years are playing a round of golf together.
On the 9th hole the husband turns to his wife and says “you know what I’ve had enough and I love you so I must tell you.. two years ago I got really drunk and slept with another woman. I’m so sorry but I just need to be honest with you I hope you can forgive me..”
The wife said she is disappointed but she will learn to get over it and thanks him for being honest. So they continue their round.
On the 18th hole the wife turns to her husband and says “well since we are being honest with each other, there is something I need to confess too.... I used to be a man I got a sex change 20 years ago”
The husband was disgusted.. visibly livid...He gained some composure and shouted “What the fuck I can’t fucking believe you.. and all this time you’ve been playing from the ladies tees!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6dtfn/honesty_in_golf/
%
Dogs can't operate an MRI

But catscan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6dl69/dogs_cant_operate_an_mri/
%
A Roman soldier walks into a bar

He sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6dj7l/a_roman_soldier_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a gay dentist?

A Tooth Fairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6dgm4/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dentist/
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What do you call someone who only drinks kosher Hydrochloric Acid?

Acidic Jew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6dc8j/what_do_you_call_someone_who_only_drinks_kosher/
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What do you call a government of hippos?

Hippocracy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6dawq/what_do_you_call_a_government_of_hippos/
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What do you call a jar that's slightly open?

ajar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6da00/what_do_you_call_a_jar_thats_slightly_open/
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Me: I've always put my blood, sweat & tears into my work!

Them: That's why you're being sacked. You are  a Chef. You can't put all that in food and serve it to customers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6d5dy/me_ive_always_put_my_blood_sweat_tears_into_my/
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“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6d2cb/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_same_thing/
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Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6cwi4/told_my_son_to_stop_playing_russian_roulette_but/
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Came to me while folding laundry (bad nerd pun incoming).

What was the name of the first Protozoa to circumnavigate the globe?
Flagellan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6cu7u/came_to_me_while_folding_laundry_bad_nerd_pun/
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How do you kill a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6cq6h/how_do_you_kill_a_blonde/
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I went for a job interview today to work for a blacksmith

He asked if I had any experience in shoeing a horse?
I said ”No! But I once told a donkey to fuck off!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ciy1/i_went_for_a_job_interview_today_to_work_for_a/
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How many British politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can't. They just keep passing 8 lightbullbs around until they either drop and break them all or the sun comes up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6cfp3/how_many_british_politicians_does_it_take_to/
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Overconfidence

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6c8wl/overconfidence/
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Population Growth

A small town with a high birth rate attracted the attention of a team of university sociologists. They wrote a grant proposal, got a chunk of money, hired aides and an anthropologist, found a family planning and birth control specialist, moved to town, rented offices, set up their computers, and designed questionnaires.
On the first full day of work, the project director went out for a cup of coffee. The waitress, knowing he was not a local, asked why he was in town.
He explained and then asked her if she had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
To his surprise, she replied, "Sure. Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing, waking everybody up. It's too late to go back to sleep and it's too early to get up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6c3ei/population_growth/
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The first rule of Fight Club is...

Just try your best guys, and have fun. Also, when it’s your turn to bring snacks be mindful of others’ allergies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6c330/the_first_rule_of_fight_club_is/
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My friend thought putting almonds in his fleshlight would increase the pleasure

Turns out he was just fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6c19u/my_friend_thought_putting_almonds_in_his/
%
An old man is sitting on the couch watching TV until he gets a phone call...

The man says, “Hello sir, This is Bill from the IRS, we need you to come in at 9am tomorrow to discuss some large amounts of money coming into your account.”
“Ok, I’ll be there.”
“Thank you, see you tomorrow.”
The old man thought to himself, “I probably need a lawyer, huh?”
The next morning at 9am the man walks into the IRS offices with his lawyer, ready to discuss the sums of money.
He sits down at Bills desk.
“Hello.” he says
“Hello sir,” Bill says “I was just wondering where these large sums are coming from.”
“Gambling.” The man says
“Gambling? You serious?”
“Well sir, I gamble for anything worth gambling for.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, tell you what, I bet you $5000 that I can bite my own eye.”
“Sure!” Bill exclaims, not thinking this man can possibly bit his own eye.
So, sure enough, the old man takes out his eye and bites it. It’s glass. Bill is very disgruntled
“I’ll let you redeem yourself,” the old man says “I bet you $7000 that I can bite my other eye.”
Bill thinks to himself. The man didn’t come in with a seeing eye dog, or a cane, or anything to indicate he is blind, so bill says “Okay!”
The old man takes out his denchers and bites his other eye.
Bill is visibly angry.
The old man says, “I’ll give you a chance to get all of your money back, and then some. I bet you $15000 I can pee into the trash can from here without spilling a single drop.”
Bill thinks to himself again. “The man doesn’t have a gurney with him, no pee bag, and the trash can is 6 feet away!”
So, Bill says yes
The old man undoes his belt, pulls down his britches and proceeds to pee all over Bill’s desk.
“YES! You owe me $1000 dollars now!” screams Bill, getting weird looks from his coworkers (Glass office)
“NO!” the lawyer screams “ He bet me $100,000 that he would pee all over your desk and you would do nothing about it!”
“I hope that explains it.” the old man says, he then walks out of the IRS office and drives home.
I am aware that this joke is really bad. A friend of mine showed it to me thinking it was really funny and I’m just posting it here to prove how bad it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6c0sw/an_old_man_is_sitting_on_the_couch_watching_tv/
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If I had a dollar for every woman that didn't find me attractive...

they'd eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6bwil/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_woman_that_didnt_find/
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Pollen.

When flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6bw6s/pollen/
%
My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.

It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6bu8d/my_mum_tripped_and_dropped_the_basket_of_clothes/
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Describe your sex life using a movie title

Me : Gone in 60 Seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6bp3v/describe_your_sex_life_using_a_movie_title/
%
5 people that think communism is good walk into a bar...

The bartender says “We don’t serve alcohol to people under 18”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6bn8w/5_people_that_think_communism_is_good_walk_into_a/
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Adultery is a sin....

You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6bl85/adultery_is_a_sin/
%
In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.

The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.
One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.
Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother went to the local pastor and offered vast sums of money if he would come to the funeral and say the appropriate words, AND, a large bonus, but ONLY if he would - during the course of the eulogy -refer to his brother as "a Saint."
The pastor was troubled by the request, however, it was a very poor church and the church desperately needed repairs.
The Parishioners had heard about the pastor's dilemma and were curious as to what he would do.
The Funeral began, the church was packed, and the pastor started with the usual prayers and followed the rites and traditions as required by the churches teachings. In closing, after referring to the man in the box, he paused and turned to face the remaining brother.
He began, "As you all know, the departed was an awful individual who robbed, cheated, swindled and stole from everyone he ever did business with. However, compared to his Brother, he was a Saint!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6bj6q/in_a_small_town_there_were_two_brothers_who_over/
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why can't orphans play baseball?

they don't know where home is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6bid1/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
Policeman: Why didn’t you stop immediately when you saw my flashing lights?

Me: Well officer, you see my ex-wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were trying to give her back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6bhx1/policeman_why_didnt_you_stop_immediately_when_you/
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Whats the difference between the cancer and my dad?

the cancer came back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6b49p/whats_the_difference_between_the_cancer_and_my_dad/
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I got a rubbish thesaurus for my birthday thr other day

It was rubbish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6b2va/i_got_a_rubbish_thesaurus_for_my_birthday_thr/
%
A girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from the local vegetarian restaurant......

I'm very confused as I've never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6asow/a_girl_came_up_to_me_today_and_said_she/
%
Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6aqlb/why_do_midgets_laugh_when_they_run/
%
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend says I’m wrong and it’s a prescription for some made up disease: dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6alzq/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_daily_sex/
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My wife has accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ajdq/my_wife_has_accused_me_of_being_a_transvestite/
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What’s the difference between a police car and a hedgehog?

On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6aifh/whats_the_difference_between_a_police_car_and_a/
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Man comes home furious from work

And the wife asks what has happened
Angrily the man replies - I wont ever work there if my boss doesn't take his words back!
The wife asks - What so terrible did he say?
Reluctantly the man answers -  YOU'RE FIRED!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ahqr/man_comes_home_furious_from_work/
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My friend got mad at me for sniffing his sister's pants.

Probably because her family all saw me too.
And that she was still wearing them probably didn't help.
It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ah7t/my_friend_got_mad_at_me_for_sniffing_his_sisters/
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My mom's Welsh and my dad's Hungarian

Her: What's that make you?
Me: Wel-hung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6agn4/my_moms_welsh_and_my_dads_hungarian/
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Why couldn’t the Mexican archer use his bow?

He didn’t habanero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6af1j/why_couldnt_the_mexican_archer_use_his_bow/
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What do married men and Santa Claus have in common?

They only come once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6ab6r/what_do_married_men_and_santa_claus_have_in_common/
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Dad, why did you name me Cilantro?

Because sweetheart, it's the only way I could ever know what it felt like to love Cilantro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6a784/dad_why_did_you_name_me_cilantro/
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A woman goes to sex-counselling

Woman: "Doctor, My partner and I have been in a relationship for some time now, but recently he's been thinking about children."
Doctor: "That's a natural thing to do for both men and women when they are in a serious relationship, what exactly is the problem?"
Woman: "He's doing it during sex."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6a30t/a_woman_goes_to_sexcounselling/
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I can count the number of times I've visited Chernobyl on one hand.

It's twelve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b69utu/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_visited/
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Brunette said to her blond friend

I slept with a Brazilian last night.
OMG, you slut. How many is a Brazilian?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b69uh2/brunette_said_to_her_blond_friend/
%
Why did God create women?

Because Y not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b69tsh/why_did_god_create_women/
%
A doctor says to his patient: “I have bad news, and I have worse news”

The patient says: “Give me the worse news first”
Doctor: “You have cancer.”
Patient: “Oh no, then what’s the bad news?”
Doctor: “You also have Alzheimer’s.”
Patient, relieved: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b69ruv/a_doctor_says_to_his_patient_i_have_bad_news_and/
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Why does Java programmers always wear glasses?

Because they don’t C#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b69qcq/why_does_java_programmers_always_wear_glasses/
%
Last week I found out my cousin was into underage girls.

I reported him to the feds, but when they arrived on the scene they wouldn't do a thing. They let the freak run free.
Oh well, at least he didn't enjoy his tenth birthday party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b69ekj/last_week_i_found_out_my_cousin_was_into_underage/
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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the  woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there  and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and  shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I  said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize  that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light  on her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b69d2w/i_was_sitting_at_a_bar_and_asked_the_bartender/
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My car broke down the other day and I tried to remember everything my dad taught me growing up

all I knew was “point the flashlight there”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b698q6/my_car_broke_down_the_other_day_and_i_tried_to/
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I just discovered that chronic diarrhea is hereditary.

Apparently it runs in your genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6946r/i_just_discovered_that_chronic_diarrhea_is/
%
Poop jokes aren't my favorite.

But, they're a solid #2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b693hk/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite/
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How long does it take to draw a line through a circle without going through the center?

About a secant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b68uos/how_long_does_it_take_to_draw_a_line_through_a/
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Dinner time

A woman is preparing dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails. The husband buys the snails then pops into a friends house. By the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b68uj3/dinner_time/
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A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.
His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of his now dead friend. Police swarm in through the doors to the venue and take down the shooter, putting a bullet through his head without a second thought, and rough hands seize Nathaniel.
Everything is a daze. The next thing he knows, he’s in a cell, being interrogated about the shooting. Questions are ringing through his head, questions he wants to answer but can’t find the time to collect his thoughts.
“Was he a friend to you?”
“We can’t contact his family. Do you know how we can reach them?”
“What is...”
The words fly by, and the next thing he knows after that is sitting at a table, making calls on his phone. Nathaniel is planning his friend’s funeral, putting every bit of detail into it to give his friend the best send off he can. Yet he’s looking from far off in his mind, almost on autopilot, still in shock somehow.
The day of the funeral comes round, and everything is planned perfectly. The church is presented well down to the finest detail, the guests are all dressed accordingly, and the entire service puts a bit of life into Nathaniel, but there’s still something off in his mind.
Next stop, the wake. A crowd of people who admired the magician all stand around, praising him for his marvellous tricks and chatting fondly about him.
Nathaniel starts to make his way to the drinks table, but is caught behind a queue of others wanting to do so. As he waits patiently, he hears the man in front laugh and say, “well, he was a terrible person and his tricks were garbage.”
Something snaps inside Nathaniel, drawing down a curtain of red in his vision. His mind becomes a blur, but when he comes to he can’t believe what he’s seeing. The group of people are all dead, heads bashed in, and he’s in handcuffs. He killed them all.
Being dragged away. The police. The blood. Blood all over his hands. But he needs confirmation.
“E-excuse me,” he asks a stunned woman near him. “What happened?”
The woman turns to him and says, “can you not remember what you just did?”
Nathaniel shakes his head in fright, to which the woman sighs and asks, “you’re the one who planned his funeral, right?”
He nods his head this time, a slight smile coming to his face.
The woman stares at him and says, “well the setup was pretty good, but you completely butchered the punchline.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b68q78/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
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Somebody asked me about my thoughts on Assassin’s Creed III...

I told him that it’s a pretty revolutionary game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b68nhm/somebody_asked_me_about_my_thoughts_on_assassins/
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An armed robber had just finished robbing a mansion.

As he got out, he noticed a random guy staring at him with his jaws dropped.
Robber: Did you see anything!?
Man: Y..yes..
The robber shot the man. Unfortunately, another person passing by at that exact moment witnessed this.
Robber: Did you see anything!?
Man: Yes! And I am calling the-
The robber shot him before he could say anything. Unfortunately a married couple walking by witnessed both of the murders.
Robber: Did you see-
Before he could finish asking his question, the man replied: No. Not at all. But my wife did! And she threatened to call the police!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b68i1t/an_armed_robber_had_just_finished_robbing_a/
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One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town

He tied up his horse and entered a saloon
When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing
The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."
The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse.
As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked,
"Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"
The cowboy responded,
"I had to walk home."
P.S. Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b68hkd/one_day_a_cowboy_rode_into_town/
%
There was a highway cop

... and he was sitting in his patrol car on the side of a highway, with his speed gun, doing the same thing he does every day: watching the law abiding citizens drive past obeying the speed limit.
A yellow car goes past.
A red car.
A white van.
A green car.
A black pickup truck.
This time he double takes. For there are about thirty penguins in the back of the pickup truck.
The pickup was not speeding, in fact the cop was unsure if the black pick up was breaking any laws at all, but out of sheer boredom and curiosity he fires up his siren and goes after the pickup truck.
The pickup truck pulls over and the cop approaches as the driver rolls down his window. The driver is very nervous and asks frantically "Sorry officer! Did I do something wrong!?".
The cop replies: "No.. not exactly... I'm just wondering what it is you plan to do with all of the penguins in the back of your pick up truck?".
The driver explains nervously: "I'm not really sure officer. I was hoping you might have a suggestion."
And the cop replies: "Take them to the zoo!"
The driver, relieved, replies: "That is a great idea officer! Why didn't I think of that? Thank you so much for your help." and he rolls up his window and goes on his way.
The next day, the cop is sitting in his car with his speed gun, in the same spot, once again bored by the mundane job which he has been tasked to perform.
And he sees the pick up truck go past again, with the same thirty penguins in the back, but this time they are all wearing sunglasses!
The cop, agitated that the driver did not take his advice, fires up his siren and speeds after the pick up truck.
The driver pulls over and rolls down his window and says "Sorry officer! Did I do something wrong!?"
To which the officer exclaims "Yes! I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!"
and the driver replies "I did officer! And today I'm taking them to the beach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b68hee/there_was_a_highway_cop/
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On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b68h88/on_march_27th_our_math_teacher_burst_into_class/
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I was gonna make a dick joke, but

someone already beat me to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b68fgb/i_was_gonna_make_a_dick_joke_but/
%
I thought the campsite orgy was going to be kind of boring...

But it turned out to be fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b68fcm/i_thought_the_campsite_orgy_was_going_to_be_kind/
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The Broccoli Joke

A woman goes to a super market with her grocery list. On the list is broccoli so she goes to the produce aisle, but to her dismay there was no broccoli to be found. So she finds an employee stacking shelves and asks the guy where she could find some broccoli. The guy tells her that they were currently sold out and that they would have more tomorrow. She says ok and moves on to the next item on the list. 5 minutes later the same woman comes back looking for broccoli again and again she asks the employee who says the same thing. She leaves and comes back a little later and asks the same question. This time the shelf-stacker looks at the woman and asks her how she spells broccoli. The woman, a little confused, spells broccoli for the guy “b-r-o-c-c-o-l-i”. The guy shakes his head and says “you forgot the f”. The woman, even more confused says “but there is no ‘f’ in broccoli, to which the guy yells
“YEAH, THERE’S NO F IN BROCCOLI!”
-Harrison Ford

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b68el8/the_broccoli_joke/
%
Which transformer fell down the stairs?

Stumblebee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b68d72/which_transformer_fell_down_the_stairs/
%
I really didn't like this fungus joke at first

But it's growing on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b689ew/i_really_didnt_like_this_fungus_joke_at_first/
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Plane crashes have been going down every year

In fact, all plane crashes go down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6899z/plane_crashes_have_been_going_down_every_year/
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PROCRASTINATORS UNITE!

Tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b68415/procrastinators_unite/
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Beware the Bacon Tree.

Two men wanted to be the first ones to cross a large desert near their home town. Everyone who has ever tried had either returned exhausted and near death, or hadn't returned at all. Because of this, the men knew that they needed to seek guidance. They had heard of a shaman who would give advice to those who needed it, and thus sought to find him.
Upon arriving at his home, the two friends sit down and ask him what he advises they do. He says only one thing: "Beware the Bacon Tree."
Understandably, the men are confused, and ask him to repeat himself, and to clarify, thinking they misheard him. Again, the shaman only says one thing: "Beware the Bacon Tree."
Thinking that asking any more will result in nothing of value, the friends thank the shaman, and leave his house. They organise to meet at the mouth of the desert the next day, where they will begin their journey.
The following day, upon meeting each other with bags full of rations and water, the men are surprised to find the shaman waiting, carrying nothing but the clothes on his back. The friends ask if he plans on journeying with them, to which he simply replies with "Beware the Bacon Tree," while nodding. The friends explain that they won't be able to share their rations with him, to which the shaman shakes his head, while holding up his hands in a sort of 'no worries' gesture. The men shrug it off, and start their long trek.
After about an hour of walking, the men stop for food and drink. Having only talked to each other for the entirety of the trip, they decide to try and talk to the shaman. However, everything they ask is only replied to with "Beware the Bacon Tree." After a while, they give up, and keep walking.
Five hours into their adventure, the sun is setting, so the men decide to set up camp. They pitch their tents, light a fire, and settle down for the night. They ask the shaman where he is going to sleep, and he only replies with "Beware the Bacon Tree." They ignore him, and go to sleep.
And so, the men keep trekking for several days, and eventually their supplies run to half-full. They seek advice from the shaman on whether they should turn around, which, as they expected, is only met with "Beware the Bacon Tree." Thus, they decide to keep going forward.
Eventually, their supplies reach a quarter of what they were originally. Knowing that it's too late to turn back now, they talk to the shaman for guidance, and to test whether he'll say anything else. Yet again, they are only met with "Beware the Bacon Tree." Feeling let down, the men continue their hike.
Finally, there supplies are gone, and the two men are starting to worry. As they glance back, they notice the shaman, who has a grim look on his face. As he meets the gaze of the two men, he warns, yet again, to "Beware the Bacon Tree."
As the two men look to the horizon in front of them, one notices a small green speck, sitting to the right of their line of sight. He shows the other guy, and they hurry over to it, with the shaman widening his eyes and following in hot pursuit.
As they approach, they notice that the green speck is actually a small, neatly trimmed bush, covered with bits of cured meat. When they reach the bush, the friends look back to the shaman, seeking advice. He warily says one thing back to them: "Beware the Bacon Tree."
One of the men, starving, reaches forward to grab some meat. Their shaman friend bolts immediately. The other man tries to stop his friend, but the other man cannot be stopped and finally snags a piece of pork off the plant.
Suddenly, twenty tribesmen jump out from their hiding places, all armed with blowpipes aimed at the necks of the two men. The tribe's chief walks forward, and says to them, "What you say, before you die?"
One man turns to the other and says, "That idiot shaman got it wrong. It wasn't a bacon tree."
"It was a ham-bush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b683yj/beware_the_bacon_tree/
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My wife said she wanted new kitchen appliances or some new bath bombs for our anniversary.

I compromised and bought her a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b680i0/my_wife_said_she_wanted_new_kitchen_appliances_or/
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I don't know who stole my wheelchair, but

I will not stand for it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b67yks/i_dont_know_who_stole_my_wheelchair_but/
%
My co-worker came up to me and said, "hey, you look so unapproachable"

I said, "Then why are you here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b67x84/my_coworker_came_up_to_me_and_said_hey_you_look/
%
Time to go to school

Mom: Time to wake up and go to school!
Son: No, I don’t wanna go to school today!
Mom: But you have to go to school.
Son: But, I don’t wanna go to school.
Mom: Give me three good reasons why you should stay home, and I will give you three reasons why you need to go to school.
Son: Well, all the students hate me…and…All the teachers hate me…and… I just don’t wanna go to school.
Mom: Well I have a lot to do today, and I can’t take care of you today…
Two, you are over 40-years-old…
And three, you are the principal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b67x73/time_to_go_to_school/
%
Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b67x2b/sometimes_i_will_squat_to_the_floor_hug_my_legs/
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What do you call an inquisitive amphibian?

One that axolotl questions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b67u0l/what_do_you_call_an_inquisitive_amphibian/
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What do you call a wife of a Hippie?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b67mvu/what_do_you_call_a_wife_of_a_hippie/
%
What do you call a computer that smokes pot?

High-tech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b67jp1/what_do_you_call_a_computer_that_smokes_pot/
%
If there's a tornado, you should go to the Cowboy's Stadium.

Because there's no chance of a touchdown there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b67jia/if_theres_a_tornado_you_should_go_to_the_cowboys/
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Instead Of Blocking Your Ex

Become such a disaster online, that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you
Revenge 101

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b66zwi/instead_of_blocking_your_ex/
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Have you heard of Murphy's law? Ok, but have you heard of Cole's law?

It's thinly sliced cabbage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b66yvn/have_you_heard_of_murphys_law_ok_but_have_you/
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What did the nut say while chasing the other nut?

Ima cashew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b66y73/what_did_the_nut_say_while_chasing_the_other_nut/
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I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b66p0e/i_got_fired_from_my_job_because_i_kept_asking_my/
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I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b66ozp/ive_been_taking_viagra_for_my_sunburn/
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Joke that my great grandmother always told when we visited. "Does beer make you smarter?"

No, but it made Budweiser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b66loh/joke_that_my_great_grandmother_always_told_when/
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Friday was a sad day.

The next day was a sadder day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b66ip5/friday_was_a_sad_day/
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[NSFW] What are you known for?

Three young kids walk up to an older man sitting on a park bench.
"Can you give us any advice, sir?"
He begins...
"Be careful what you do in life because that's what you'll end up being known for. Look at me, for example. I donated the land for this beautiful park we're in right now. I even handmade this bench I'm sitting on right now.
But am I known as John 'The Park Benefactor'? No. I'm not.
I donated enough money to the local hospital to build the children's wing to it. It's saved the lives of thousands of children so far.
But am I known as John 'The Philanthropist'? No. I'm not.
I volunteer at the local homeless shelter four nights a week. I cook; I clean; I serve; I visit.
But am I known as John 'The Community Servant'? No. I'm not. I spent a lifetime doing good deeds, and it didn't help my legacy."
The kids ask, "So what ARE you known for?"
John responds, "Well, you fuck a goat just *one* time..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b66hbt/nsfw_what_are_you_known_for/
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I typed “ninjas” into thesaurus.com. It said “ninjas cannot be found.”

Well played ninjas, well played.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b66frt/i_typed_ninjas_into_thesauruscom_it_said_ninjas/
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How does a robot have sex?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b66dnt/how_does_a_robot_have_sex/
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A train conductor is on death row for derailing a train and killing 50 people.

For his last meal he requested a single banana. The next day the electric chair failed to kill him, so he was let go. He later committed the same dumb fuck mistake and killed 45. Same shit, different sentence, he asked for a banana, and didn't die in the electric chair so THEY LET THE CUNT GO. The same fucking day he derails a train and kills 72! The judge refuses to give him his banana becoming skeptical of what he's doing, and pulls the switch himself and the guy still didn't die.
Guess he just wasn't a good conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b66azi/a_train_conductor_is_on_death_row_for_derailing_a/
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Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure.

Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b667o1/was_once_asked_on_a_job_interview_if_i_could/
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Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.
Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase worker/client interaction to hopefully drum up "add-on" sales. As a result, a new position was created, the "product demonstrator."
After seeing this homeless man struggle to get by, and knowing that he was diligent in his efforts (in fact, he was more dependable to show up than some of my current co-workers), I suggested to my manager that we hire him.
It took a lot of convincing, TBH. After the better part of a month, my manager finally relented to my persistence and allowed the man to come in for an interview.
I don't know what happened in the interview, but the man came out of my manager's office beaming with a new optimism, a HUGE smile on his face, and practically in tears! I guess he impressed my manager because he was hired... on the contingency, of course, that he "clean up" and make himself more presentable.
I didn't have a lot of money at the time (working for WV minimum wage as a stockboy wasn't nearly the glamorous life that it sounds like), but I "loaned" him some money to get some new clothes, as well as a haircut and shave. Honestly, I never really *expected* to get the money back, I was just glad that I had been put in a position to help someone in need.
Since I had been a hard worker and dependable during my time at the store --- and, well, it WAS my idea to hire him in the first place --- I was put in charge of properly training our newest hire.
Unfortunately, no matter how much time I spent, and no matter what method I used for instruction, he just couldn't figure out how to properly operate the power juicer.... much less give a demonstration on it!
I thought it was such an EASY thing to do. If I'm being honest, I STILL think it's an "elementary" skill, but for whatever reason, he just couldn't grasp this particular skill. I mean, he was reasonably well-spoken, personable, and even took pride in his work (as bad as it was at the time).
I saw the writing on the wall, and although I did everything I could to delay the inevitable, after two weeks of failure my manager decided to let our newest hire go.
I was extremely distraught over the situation at the time, and looking back it's disheartening that it never culminated in the "feel good" story that I was hoping for when originally lobbying to hire that homeless man. I still think of him on occasion to this day.
But despite all of that, the seeds of hope and the eventual disappointment, I learned a VERY important lesson that I will NEVER forget:
Beggars can't be juicers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b663ya/back_when_i_was_in_high_school_i_worked_at_a/
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Stick Your Head Between Legs

A stewardess did her usual act of showing passengers the safety drill. Near the end she said, "And in the event of an emergency, bend forward and put your head between your legs."
Eunice said to her boy friend Jeff, "I can't bend that far these days!"
Jeff replied with a smile, "Well then, you'll just have to put your head between my legs."
Eunice looked wide-eyed at her boy friend, and asked, "if my head were between your legs, where could you put your head?"
"My love," replied Jeff, "if you've got your head between my legs, I won't give a damn where my head is!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b663wf/stick_your_head_between_legs/
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Betsy Devos wants to defund the Special Olympics

Talk about kicking someone when they’re Downs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b65yzq/betsy_devos_wants_to_defund_the_special_olympics/
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I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b65y12/i_remember_when_i_was_a_kid_and_air_pumps_at_gas/
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Whats the best thing about Switzerland

Idk their flags a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b65xjg/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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My Doctor just advised me to quit drinking. This is going to be really difficult and a big adjustment...

I’ve been with this Doctor for 35 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b65wt9/my_doctor_just_advised_me_to_quit_drinking_this/
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How does Mike Wazowski make such good neck jewelry?

Because he’s neckless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b65w8e/how_does_mike_wazowski_make_such_good_neck_jewelry/
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I wanted to tell my mom a joke the other day

Me: mom may I tell you a joke?
Mom: not right now son, I am busy.
Me: Ok fine, I'll just tell my girlfriend then...
Mom: hahaha, nice one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b65rum/i_wanted_to_tell_my_mom_a_joke_the_other_day/
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I saw a girl with 12 nipples..

Sounds funny, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b65pjs/i_saw_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
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Friction walks into a bar

And orders a shot of rubbing alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b65msg/friction_walks_into_a_bar/
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So I hear Elton John is very good at the piano.

But he sucks on the organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b65m1j/so_i_hear_elton_john_is_very_good_at_the_piano/
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What do you call a group of bugs in an apartment?

Tenants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b653ax/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_bugs_in_an_apartment/
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I’ve got a foot fetish.

I only like 12 inch dicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b64uxn/ive_got_a_foot_fetish/
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A clever way of telling if your kids asleep.

A man tells his kid,
“You beep when you sleep.”
The dad ends up convincing his kid that he actually beeps when he sleeps.
The next night the dad peeked into his kids room to see if he was asleep.
*beep*
*beep*
*beep*
Now his kid makes beep noises when he fake sleeps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b64ua9/a_clever_way_of_telling_if_your_kids_asleep/
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Son: what’s a Canadian, mommy?

Mom: it's an un-armed North American with health insurance, honey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b64se5/son_whats_a_canadian_mommy/
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Why was Pythagoras not considered a suspect in murder case?

No knew what his angle was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b64qvr/why_was_pythagoras_not_considered_a_suspect_in/
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A man in a bra.

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b64gkn/a_man_in_a_bra/
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This sub is really disappointing me lately.

I'm going to try the meatballs next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b64g7e/this_sub_is_really_disappointing_me_lately/
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Blonde to dentist: "What have you stopped for?"

Dentist: "Sorry, I've run out of gas."
Blonde: "Oh no, please don't tell me dentists use that line too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b64cjz/blonde_to_dentist_what_have_you_stopped_for/
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A woman decided to get a facelift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b64bor/a_woman_decided_to_get_a_facelift_for_her_birthday/
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A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.
The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, growling and threatening to attack if the man gets too close to the goat.
The man grows frustrated. One day, he sees a ship foundering off the coast. He is able to save someone from drowning. He gets them to shore and discovers it’s a beautiful woman. She comes to and says “Wow, you saved my life. I’ll do anything to thank you. *Anything.*”
The man can’t believe his luck. He looks at her and his mind reels with the possibilities.
“Would you mind holding this dog for a minute?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b640yx/a_man_a_dog_and_a_goat_are_the_only_survivors_of/
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What do you call a koala without chlamydia?

A virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b63xqo/what_do_you_call_a_koala_without_chlamydia/
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Have you heard the joke about the skunk

Never mind it stinks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b63sfx/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_the_skunk/
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I went for a tour of a mine the other day

I was in total ore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b63ruv/i_went_for_a_tour_of_a_mine_the_other_day/
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Research shows

that the people of Saudi Arabia don't like "The Flintstones"..
But the people of Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b63rg1/research_shows/
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My friend told me he had a foot fetish...

So I just started hitting him with my 30cm ruler while he moaned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b63qhf/my_friend_told_me_he_had_a_foot_fetish/
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Why does Frankenstein's monster have such a good sense of humor?

Because he's always in stitches!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b63nuq/why_does_frankensteins_monster_have_such_a_good/
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I prevented several horrible crimes today.

Good old self-control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b63k3s/i_prevented_several_horrible_crimes_today/
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My sex life is like the Sahara desert.

Just two palms, no dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b63gno/my_sex_life_is_like_the_sahara_desert/
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An arab at airport

:
\- Name?
\- Abdul Al Razhib.
\- Sex?
\- Three to five times a week.
\- No, no, I mean: male or female?
\- Yes... male, female, sometimes camel.
\- Holly cow!
\- Yes... cow, dog, even sheep.
\- But isn't that hostile?
\- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
\- Oh, dear!
\- No, no... deer run to fast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b63fox/an_arab_at_airport/
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My girlfriend has the body of a model..

And a life prison sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b63dhy/my_girlfriend_has_the_body_of_a_model/
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Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.......

......for many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised
Yossel to go ahead and do it, otherwise, he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day Yossel came home from work very early...
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to the wife his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a completely-intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b63aid/yossel_zelkovitz_worked_in_a_polish_pickle_factory/
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I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b635sj/i_wanted_to_be_a_better_computer_programmer_so_i/
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Wednesday?

After night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b634yz/wednesday/
%
Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b632sm/why_cant_a_penis_be_12_inches_long/
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What do you call a flower that loves little flowers

A Petalfile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b632js/what_do_you_call_a_flower_that_loves_little/
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Hugh Hefner was sitting in the Playboy mansion, admiring 'the view'

He then heard there were a group of people at the door, trying to sell him flowers.
He went out and said, "Can I help you?"
"HI sir! We are from Rainbow Florists and would like to know if you want to buy some beautiful flowers for your beautiful ladies?"
"Get the hell off my property. If I want to buy flowers I won't buy it from a small business like you."
Quite taken aback by how rude he was, the florists decided to litter the entire mansion with flyers. This continued for a month where they would sneak into the mansion grounds and throw flyers everywhere.
Eventually Hugh bought Rainbow Florists and closed them down. Turns out
Only Hugh can prevent florists' flyers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b631pn/hugh_hefner_was_sitting_in_the_playboy_mansion/
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How do you get seven sexy clowns to stop watching TV at your house?

Respond quickly please. My parents will be home any minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b630yc/how_do_you_get_seven_sexy_clowns_to_stop_watching/
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If you've got a kid and get a sexchange your kid won't be able to see you anymore..

You'll be transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6303q/if_youve_got_a_kid_and_get_a_sexchange_your_kid/
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A guy is walking when he suddenly falls and injures his hand.

On his way to the hospital, he sees this huge ad on a new machine, the ad claimed that the machine is able to diagnose any disease and write treatment plans for it only by taking urine sample.
The man walks to the machine puts a penny in it and then gives the sample.
After a few beeps, a note comes out "Your hand's tendon is injured, don't put it under any stress and exercise".
The man was amazed and decides to mess with the machine, so when he reaches home, he takes a bottle, then pours some water in it, then makes his dog urinate in it, and then sees his daughter's chewed gum on floor so puts it on the bottle also, and finally to sum it up, masturbates in the bottle.
Then heads towards the machine and gives the sample to the machine.
After 10 minutes of strange noises and sounds that machine made, a note comes out "Your water pipe will clog soon, be sure to fix it.
Your dog will die in 2 weeks, be prepared for it.
Your daughter is pregnant, go beat the boy living upstairs. and if u keep masturbating like this, your injured tendon won't heal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b62z8n/a_guy_is_walking_when_he_suddenly_falls_and/
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A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b62xfo/a_united_states_marine_was_deployed_to_afghanistan/
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A programmer goes to bed and puts two glasses next to him. One - with water, if he feels thirsty

One - without, if he does not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b62xcy/a_programmer_goes_to_bed_and_puts_two_glasses/
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What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?

Very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b62p1e/what_do_a_midget_and_a_dwarf_have_in_common/
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Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock was requiring the assistance of Watson on a case. He knocks at the lavatory door, where Watson has been for the last half an hour. Sherlock- "What's taking you so long Watson?". Watson- "nothing is coming out sir". Sherlock- "what do you mean?". Watson- "like no shit, Sherlock".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b62o3z/sherlock_holmes/
%
I brought some cookie dough into work today...

...so I could use the oven there to bake some cookies for all the staff, but everyone gave me dirty looks when I put them in and turned the oven on.
My boss said I was "insensitive" and "fired from the crematorium".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b62lav/i_brought_some_cookie_dough_into_work_today/
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When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b62las/when_mozart_died_you_could_hear_his_music_playing/
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A guy went to a therapist

Because he had constant dreams of cats playing football everyday, so the therapist asked him to eat nothing before he sleeps food might be the reason.
He came back the day after with no progression, he was still getting dreams of cats playing football.
Oh well, the therapist said, today i want you to sleep in the living room.
The patient came back with no progress, he was still getting dreams of cats playing football
The therapist told him today i don’t want you to sleep at all.
The patient: i cant, today is the finals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b62kam/a_guy_went_to_a_therapist/
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What do women astronauts and my 14 year old daughter have in common?

"I have nothing to wear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b62eax/what_do_women_astronauts_and_my_14_year_old/
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Tell the punchline first

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b62b34/tell_the_punchline_first/
%
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The horse not understanding English shits on the floor and leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b628if/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_asks_why/
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Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.
The second murderer comes in and sits in the chair, and once again the priest asks “any last words?” And the murderer, bound tightly, desperately yells “I’m innocent!” They pull the switch, and once again nothing happens. The priest, clutching his chest at the miracle unfolding before him, cries out “2 failures of the electric chair in a row, it is unprecedented! God must be sending another sign. You too are innocent!” And the second murderer walked free.
The third murderer comes into the execution chamber and he too sits down in the electric chair. The priest, now a broken record, asks “any last words?” The third murderer looks around the room, and says “yeA, I think that the cord is unplugged over there.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b61wfc/three_murderers_are_on_death_row_the_day_rolls/
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What do you call Aladdin when he has high ping?

Alaggin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b61oxl/what_do_you_call_aladdin_when_he_has_high_ping/
%
Did you hear about the guy who’s surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the HIV clinic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b61oaa/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whos_surrounded_by/
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Police were investigating an incident that happened during a hypnotist's show

A male hypnotist ended up in the hospital with multiple injuries. They interviewed a witness on what happened during the show.
Police: So, can you tell us what happened?
Witness: So we were watching a hypnotist doing his show, all is going well. He asked for volunteers from the audience to participate.
He called one guy & hypnotized him, commanded him "*bark like a dog!*" and the man barked like a dog.
To another one, he did the same thing & commanded him "*tweet like a bird*" and he tweeted like a bird.
Now, he upped the ante and called 5 men from the audience & he hypnotized them. When they were hypnotized, he was going down the stage seemingly to complete the act, but he slipped going down the stair & blurted out "*oh, fuck me!*" What happened next was the most horrific thing i have ever seen officers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b61mky/police_were_investigating_an_incident_that/
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I don't like Fornite and would love to dance on their grave

But I'm afraid they might steal it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b61l41/i_dont_like_fornite_and_would_love_to_dance_on/
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Three Fighters

Three fighters were known as the painless trio. All three of them were in a accident when they were children, since then they couldn’t feel anything.
In every 3v3 fight they would get hurt beyond believe yet still continue to fight and win. People called them fakes, they say they hire actors and put on fake blood. To prove that they weren’t fakes they invited every one of their fans to hit them as hard as they could.
Thousands of people came to try to hurt the trio. The fighters were sitting in three different chairs with a painted line in front of them. The first fighter had a kick line, everybody in that line was allowed to kick the fighter, in the second line everybody was allowed to tackle the fighter as painful as possible, and in the third line....
wait there is no punch-line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b61idk/three_fighters/
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Why are peanuts afraid of going out?

They’re afraid of getting a-salted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b61fzq/why_are_peanuts_afraid_of_going_out/
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A company CEO always wants to put his employees in a good mood, so every morning he tells a funny story.

He is very shy though so he speaks over the intercom placed on his desk.
Every morning he tells the joke and a leaves the intercom on to hear the reaction.
No one says a word but after a good minute, everyone starts laughing. This happens every morning.
He is kind of confused but so happy that his employees can start the day in a good mood, that he doesn't give it too much thought.
One day his System Engineer meets him at the coffee machine, and remembering the joke of that morning mentions that to the boss saying "You gave me a really good laugh, the pun about the lion was awesome!"
The CEO is really confused but not wanting to spoil the mood, smiles and says "Glad you liked it!"
Truth is, he never said anything about a lion. He is so confused that when he gets back at his desk, he decides to take a part his intercom, thinking that something might be wrong and people might be hearing him wrong.
When he takes off the top cover, he finds a bunch of ants near the microphone and he hears a small whisper. He puts his ear near them and he keeps hearing them telling jokes, one better than the other.
That is when he realizes that up to that day, his employees have always been laughing because of the ant's jokes.
Moral of the story: The real joke is in the comm ants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b61elg/a_company_ceo_always_wants_to_put_his_employees/
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What do you call a guy who's good at fishing

A masterbaiter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b61d2h/what_do_you_call_a_guy_whos_good_at_fishing/
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I get aroused during farewells

I guess I am bye-sexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b61bvb/i_get_aroused_during_farewells/
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A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b618ha/a_man_is_on_is_death_sentence_and_he_gets_to/
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What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo Mamma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b614yg/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_two_legs/
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As a Chinese immigrant living in the states for a while, I can't help but feel like I'm less asian

I guess I'm just disoriented

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b60tp4/as_a_chinese_immigrant_living_in_the_states_for_a/
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Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.

Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b60oah/last_year_kids_were_eating_tide_pods_this_year/
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Hitler, Stalin and Osama Bin Ladin are having an Argument

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked
Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"
Osama Bin Ladin says, "Nonsense, I have killed hundreds of thousands of people and have brought grief millions of families"
Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the most hated of all?"
The group agreed and Hitler left to go make the vote. After counting the ballots, Hitler returns and asks:
"Who the fuck is Axel Voss!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b60o27/hitler_stalin_and_osama_bin_ladin_are_having_an/
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What do cannibals call it when they have a blonde for dinner?

Barbie-Q

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b60ll4/what_do_cannibals_call_it_when_they_have_a_blonde/
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My nutrition store ran out of protein powder today

I was like “no whey”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b60iq7/my_nutrition_store_ran_out_of_protein_powder_today/
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Why did Hitler commit suicide

He got his gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b60diw/why_did_hitler_commit_suicide/
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My mom was telling my little brother about the food she ordered....

she said it had a middle eastern flavor to it. I then said said “He doesn’t even know what that means!” To which he replied, “Yes I do, it just means there’s a bomb in it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b60del/my_mom_was_telling_my_little_brother_about_the/
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It’s my cake day

YOU WERE EXPECTING A KARMA WHORING POST! BUT IT WAS ME, DIO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b6068y/its_my_cake_day/
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Two men start talking at a high school reunion.

“It’s been a long time, what have you been up to?”
“I’m a business man now, I run a very successful company”
“Ah, I can see that by the briefcase and suit”
“What do you do?”
“Oh, arrr, I’m a pirate.”
“Ah, I see that by your peg leg, hook and eye patch. How did you get that peg leg?”
“Arr, we was coming up on another ship and I was getting ready to board and me leg got caught between the two and pinched me leg off”
“Ah interesting, how did you get the hook for a hand?”
“Arr, we was hoisting the main sail and a wind came round while my hand was tangled in the rope; ripped my hand right off.”
“Wow! Well, what happened to your eye?”
“Well, I was looking up and a parrot pooped right in me eye.”
“How do you lose an eye from that?”
“Arr, first day with the hook.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b601ju/two_men_start_talking_at_a_high_school_reunion/
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Guy walks into a bar, orders 2 shots. Dumps one on the ground.

Bartender asks who it was for. Guy replies "my unborn child"
"Sorry to hear man, what happened?" Asked the bartender.
Guy looked him square in the eye "dried up in a sock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5zzts/guy_walks_into_a_bar_orders_2_shots_dumps_one_on/
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What do you call a cannibalistic dinner party?

The Donner Party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5zzip/what_do_you_call_a_cannibalistic_dinner_party/
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A programmers wife asked him to run to the store

She said "go to the store and get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs get a dozen"
He came back with a loaf of bread and a dozen eggs because he's not a retard and can recognize what she means.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5zz87/a_programmers_wife_asked_him_to_run_to_the_store/
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A man and a woman are dancing...

A man is dancing with a woman when he leans in and asks:
"Excuse me madam, but do you fuck?"
She says "Do you ask that question of every woman you dance with?"
"Yes I do."
"Then you must get an awful lot of slaps in the face."
"I do madam. But I also get an awful lot of fucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5zwxs/a_man_and_a_woman_are_dancing/
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An estimated 70% of women who wear yoga pants don’t do yoga.

An estimated 100% of straight men do not care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5zvfg/an_estimated_70_of_women_who_wear_yoga_pants_dont/
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I tried dating a Nun once.

But I just couldn’t get into the habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5zlwn/i_tried_dating_a_nun_once/
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Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying

When his mother ask why he replays.
"The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to e why is that."
Mom says "cause u black and they white."
Next day Tyrone is crying again .
"What's wrong today Tyrone" his mother ask.
Tyrone said "teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get to 10 why is that."
Mom says "cause u black and they white."
Next day he comes home smiling.
"What happened today Tyrone?"
Tyrone says mama "we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all . Is that cause I'm black and they
white."
Mama says "no Tyrone it's cause u 17 and they 6."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5zk1q/tyrone_s_1st_day_in_the_first_grade_he_comes_home/
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There are two things that will never get old...

1. Making fun of anti-vaxxers
2. Their children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5zixv/there_are_two_things_that_will_never_get_old/
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How can you tell if someone is Asian by their handwriting?

Their i’s are slanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5zhme/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_asian_by_their/
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Why did the group of previously miscarried mothers meet at chilis?

They wanted their baby back ...baby back... baby back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5zhm7/why_did_the_group_of_previously_miscarried/
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A communist and an anarchist walk into a bar

The bartender says: Sorry, you guys are underage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5zfes/a_communist_and_an_anarchist_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why did the transgender couple break up?

One cheated on the other while they were abroad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5zdsb/why_did_the_transgender_couple_break_up/
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What do you do when you see a spaceman?

You park, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5zbco/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_spaceman/
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How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

You hit it with a brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5z94x/how_do_you_turn_a_fruit_into_a_vegetable/
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Damn girl, are you r/jokes?

Because its the same shit over and over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5z6h5/damn_girl_are_you_rjokes/
%
I created a new word.

I call it, "Plaigiarism"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5z0j5/i_created_a_new_word/
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Why can’t a seagull fly over the bay

Because then it would be a bagel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5yxsp/why_cant_a_seagull_fly_over_the_bay/
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What did the right triangle do after he lost one of his angles?

He went on a tangent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ywa7/what_did_the_right_triangle_do_after_he_lost_one/
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Mickey and Minnie Mouse we’re getting a divorce. The judge asked Mickey, “Let me get this straight, you’re divorcing Minnie because she’s crazy?” “No, your honor,” he says.

“I’m divorcing her because she’s fucking Goofy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5yrsw/mickey_and_minnie_mouse_were_getting_a_divorce/
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A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."
Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.
He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.
He keeps amputating their limbs one by one, testing jump patterns, until he gets to their last legs.
After he amputates their rear-left legs, the frogs all become legless. When he commands them to jump, they twitch and try, but can't jump.
"Eureka! I have made an amazing discovery!" The Russian Scientist says. Suddenly his lab assistant breaks down the door to his room and says, “Yes?! What is this discovery?!"
"Frogs without legs are deaf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5yqdt/a_russian_scientist_teaches_frogs_to_jump_on/
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A penguin grows tired of winters in Alaska, so

... he buys a used Corvette and heads southbound for California for warmer climates.
After driving about 800 miles, he hears a bad noise coming from the engine. He sees an auto repair shop in a small town and decides to pull in. The penguin explains the problem to the mechanic and he is told that it will be about an hour to determine what the exact issue is. The penguin agrees to wait and asks the mechanic if there are any places to get a bite to eat. The mechanic tells him there is a fish and chips just down the road in walking distance.
So, the penguin goes to the restaurant and has a nice meal. Afterward, he heads back to the auto shop to get word on his engine problem. The mechanic says “It looks like you blew a seal.”  The penguin wipes the corner of his mouth and says “No, that’s just tartar sauce.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5yo8v/a_penguin_grows_tired_of_winters_in_alaska_so/
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When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ynzr/when_women_remove_polish_with_chemicals_no_one/
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What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ynyx/what_do_thermometers_wear_for_underwear/
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A man and a giraffe walk into a bar...

After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.
“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out.
The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5yl7h/a_man_and_a_giraffe_walk_into_a_bar/
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I like my coffee how I like my women

Dark, delicate, and shipped to me in a box straight from Colombia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ykym/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
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Why do feminists hate most software developers?

Because developers look at everything as objects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5yil6/why_do_feminists_hate_most_software_developers/
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I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

The fifth one was dead Sirius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5yc9z/i_found_the_first_four_harry_potter_books_to_be/
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Today I turned in my rough draft of a paper on Darwin’s theory.

The teacher said it would be decent with modification.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5y9dw/today_i_turned_in_my_rough_draft_of_a_paper_on/
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Why did the dolphin go to the dentist?

He had an appointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5y6yv/why_did_the_dolphin_go_to_the_dentist/
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Did you hear about the Red and Blue war?

I heard the soldiers were marooned!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5y696/did_you_hear_about_the_red_and_blue_war/
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What do you call somebody with no body and just a nose

Actually Nobody nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5y5rw/what_do_you_call_somebody_with_no_body_and_just_a/
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What group of people do airport security absolutely forbid from coming on planes?

Gender fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5y2lu/what_group_of_people_do_airport_security/
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I'm both a lover and a fighter

I last about the same time in each event.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5y1tp/im_both_a_lover_and_a_fighter/
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Why did the woman bring toilet paper tot he gala?

She was a party pooper!
Told by my 7 year-old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5y0m1/why_did_the_woman_bring_toilet_paper_tot_he_gala/
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My son said my dad jokes are terrible.

I told him that couldn't be father from the truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5xz0y/my_son_said_my_dad_jokes_are_terrible/
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I told my wife that with all those cooking shows she watches she should be a better cook.

She told me that with all those pornos I watch I should be a better fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5xu1i/i_told_my_wife_that_with_all_those_cooking_shows/
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The anti-vaxxer movement will end the same way that it started...

It'll go viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5xt7u/the_antivaxxer_movement_will_end_the_same_way/
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A man gets pulled over and the cop asks if he’s been drinking.

He responds, “With all the drugs I’ve been taking?! What do I look like? Stupid?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5xqow/a_man_gets_pulled_over_and_the_cop_asks_if_hes/
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A business owner is interviewing an attractive young lady...

A business owner is interviewing to hire a bookkeeper, and in walks an attractive young lady. To make sure that she understands money and math, he asks her "If I were to give you ten thousand dollars, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"
She thinks a moment and answers "Everything but my earrings!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5xocq/a_business_owner_is_interviewing_an_attractive/
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Why are EU gamers so serious about what they do?

Because they can’t be memers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5xnn6/why_are_eu_gamers_so_serious_about_what_they_do/
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A man walks into a joke store...

There are three lines.
He joins one and slowly moves up the queue.
He sees all three lines head towards a big sign that says: "The End of the Joke"
He sees the guy at the end of the first line get given a tonne of cash and he runs out laughing.
He sees the guy at the end of the second line given a knee-trembling BJ by a gorgeous woman , and he runs out laughing.
He arrives at the end of his own line and is smashed in the face by a huge bouncer. Sitting on the floor, rubbing his jaw he says: 'Oh I get it. That line's the pay-off, and that line's the climax so this must be the punch line".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5xko3/a_man_walks_into_a_joke_store/
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How does Bono spell color?

With or without U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5xjya/how_does_bono_spell_color/
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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later that day, while his wife was in the shower, Mike bangs his dick on his bedside table and before he walks into his bathroom, he hears his wife.
"Dave, is that you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5xiyu/dave_a_student_at_a_university_seems_to_be/
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Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo mama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5xi1h/can_we_ban_yo_momma_jokes_from_this_sub_theyre/
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Why don’t we pronounce k in knowledge

We haven’t acknowledged it yet
I’ll walk myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5xdol/why_dont_we_pronounce_k_in_knowledge/
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$50 is $50

There was a newly married jewish couple called Mike and Ida that lived in a relatively small town. Every year there was a big fair that came to town that Mike and Ida decided to go to when they were 19, and they were blown away with all of the events and festivities. There was one in particular that caught their eye though, it was a helicopter ride with a stunt pilot.
To celebrate their new marriage they approached the pilot to incquire how much it was and the pilot said $50. They both wanted to do it but Ida said "I would love to go on the helicopter ride but its $50 and $50 is $50...", so to no avail from Mike they didn't go on the ride. Every year they came back to the helicopter stand but Ida would say "its $50 and $50 is $50".
One year they're 80 years old and Mike tells Ida that they might not have another chance to go on the ride, but once again Ida says "it's  $50 and $50 is $50", overhearing them the pilot comes up to them and says he heard them talking about it and he'll take them up for free, but if they make a single sound over the whole flight they would have to pay.
Delighted with the offer the couple immediately says yes. The pilot takes them up and does a world class routine, flips, rolls, anything that you can think of. He does it once and not a single sound from either one, so he does a second round pulling out any trick he can.
Finally he lands and is amazed, he tells Mike wow I can't believe you didn't say a single word the whole time, you don't owe me anything!
Mike replies back to him "I almost said something when Ida fell out of the helicopter, but that would've cost $50 and $50 is $50...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5x7iv/50_is_50/
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Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5x6db/jussie_smollet_had_to_pay_10000_to_chicago_and_do/
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Guy: "I lost my virginity to Barry White."

Girl: "Me, too! What song was it for you?"
Guy: "Song?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5x4wz/guy_i_lost_my_virginity_to_barry_white/
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A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?"

God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."
Man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me, it's about a penny."
Man: "God, if that's the case, may I have a penny?"
God: "Sure. Just wait a minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5x3eu/a_man_is_talking_to_god_god_how_long_is_a_million/
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So...

I went to the doctors surgeon and he said to me “pick a star sign, any star sign.” So I  said “Capricorn” and he said “Nah you’ve got cancer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5wvir/so/
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What was Michael Jackson’s favorite constellation?

Insida minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5wtpg/what_was_michael_jacksons_favorite_constellation/
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My favorite hobbies are getting naked, and scaring people.

In that order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5wszj/my_favorite_hobbies_are_getting_naked_and_scaring/
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What Do You Call It When Batman Skips Church

Christian Bale :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5wqpc/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
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Why do Dwarves laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5wps9/why_do_dwarves_laugh_when_they_run/
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A drunk guy gets into a taxi..

-Ehh.. 'scuse me, driver... would it be okay if.. I left a few beers, some fried chicken, 2 tequila shots and some rice on your back seat?
-(confused)Ehm, sure.
*#vomits#*
Sorry people, I had to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5wmtt/a_drunk_guy_gets_into_a_taxi/
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I was in an art competition last week.

It ended in a draw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5wgb7/i_was_in_an_art_competition_last_week/
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A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."
-
"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"
-
The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5weg8/a_boy_in_brooklyn_is_outside_of_a_candy_shop/
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A man reportedly knocked over a chess table during a tournament using his penis.

People are saying it was a real dick move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5wdhe/a_man_reportedly_knocked_over_a_chess_table/
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(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5w5x8/my_grandpa_who_passed_away_last_year_famous_joke/
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The seven dwarves went to the Vatican

While six stayed back a few yards Doc went up and knocked on the front door.
"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any 3 ft tall nuns in Rome?"
"No, my son, there aren't," the Pope replied.
So Doc went back and told the others.  Pretty soon Bashful went up and knocked.
"Pope, um are there by chance any 3 ft nuns in Italy?"
"No, Im sorry my son there are none in Italy," the Pope answered more sternly.
Bashful walks back and tells the others who start snickering.  After a few mins Happy knocks on the door.
"Pope, are there any 3 ft tall nuns in Europe?"
This time the pope was much more firm.
"My son, there are no 3 ft tall nuns in Europe."
By this point, the other dwarfs were giggling pretty hard. When Grumpy stomps up and pounds on the door a few minutes later the Pope is getting frustrated.
"Listen Carefully" He snapped when he opened the door.  "There are no 3 ft nuns anywhere in the world and there never will be.  Now leave me alone"
Immediatly six of dwarfs started laughing histerically and chanting,
"Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5w477/the_seven_dwarves_went_to_the_vatican/
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Why did NASA cancel the all-female spacewalk?

None of them would go outside the rocket wearing the same outfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5w0iq/why_did_nasa_cancel_the_allfemale_spacewalk/
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Do you think only sadists drive VW Beetles?

Just to drive around and watch strangers punch each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5vz4o/do_you_think_only_sadists_drive_vw_beetles/
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Saint Pete's gates

Three men are waiting at the gates of heaven for Saint Peter to let them in.
Peter shows up and says,"Heaven is almost full, so I will only let the person in with the worst death"
Man 1 then starts his story," I suspected my wife was cheating on me, so I left work early to catch her. When I got home I looked everywhere but couldn't find the guy. Then I walked out onto my balcony for some fresh air and noticed someone hanging off of it. I run and get my hammer and smash his fingers until he falls, but he lands in a bush, so I grab my fridge and throw that on top of him, killing him, but the strain of lifting the fridge gave me a heart attack and here I am."
The second guy then says, "I was working out on my fifteenth floor balcony when I some how fell over the edge, I grabbed the rail of another balcony a few floors down though. I hung there for about a minute before some guy came and started hitting my fingers with a hammer. I fell the rest of the way down into a bush, and that's how I died."
The last guy says, "So peter, get this, I'm hiding butt naked in this married chicks refrigerator...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5vyzl/saint_petes_gates/
%
What is the longest game of Deal or No Deal?

Brexit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5vwxf/what_is_the_longest_game_of_deal_or_no_deal/
%
My mother would wake up early every morning just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches

She knew the crusts were my favourite part. She hated me so much :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5vtoc/my_mother_would_wake_up_early_every_morning_just/
%
what did the buddhist say to the electrical engineer?

‘ohmmmmmmmm’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5vqja/what_did_the_buddhist_say_to_the_electrical/
%
A guys car broke down in Alaska.

A mechanic came by to look at it and said "looks like you blew a seal" the guy replies "no thats just frost on my moustache"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5voxw/a_guys_car_broke_down_in_alaska/
%
One day, a woman finds herself in an armed robbery at her local bank.

She's pregnant with triplets, and has a hard time getting to the ground then the robbers ask her to get down. In a frenzy, she is shot three times in the stomach, and is rushed to the hospital.
While she's there, the doctors find that the babies are all still okay. But the doctor tells her that when they turn 13, they'll pass the bullet naturally. A few months later, she ends up having three beautiful baby boys. She decides not to tell them of the bullet and figures that she'll cross that bridge when she comes to it.
Thirteen years later, the first son comes screaming out of the bathroom saying, "I just peed out a bullet! What's wrong with me?" The mom explains the story, and the he is satisfied.
A few minutes later, the second son comes screaming out of the bathroom saying, "I just pooped out a bullet! What's wrong with me?" The mom explains the story, and the he is satisfied.
An hour later, the third son comes out of his room with a guilty look on his face, and says "I just did a bad thing." The mom replies, "What, did you pee the bullet out?"
"No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5vnrh/one_day_a_woman_finds_herself_in_an_armed_robbery/
%
Why can even blind people appreciate a nice butt?

Hindsight is always 20/20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5vnpe/why_can_even_blind_people_appreciate_a_nice_butt/
%
What caused the ice cream truck to break down?

a rocky road

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5vdcv/what_caused_the_ice_cream_truck_to_break_down/
%
My parents weren't supposed to know about my feline thieving hobby.

But I guess the cat's out of the bag now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5vbks/my_parents_werent_supposed_to_know_about_my/
%
I asked my dad, “Can you give me examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

He said, “Steve.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5va7u/i_asked_my_dad_can_you_give_me_examples_of_jobs/
%
The sign at the orthodontist's office said "The doctor was called away for an emergency."

"Brace yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5v6s9/the_sign_at_the_orthodontists_office_said_the/
%
I bought a treadmill and use it for 15 seconds a day every day.

It says right on it in big letters to stop using if you get shortness of breath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5v61e/i_bought_a_treadmill_and_use_it_for_15_seconds_a/
%
Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

Ones heavy and ones a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5v5xb/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Where did Michael Jackson like to vacation at?

Ta-Hee-Hee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5usmu/where_did_michael_jackson_like_to_vacation_at/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalottapuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5urtb/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
What do you call a person who dislikes writing utensils?

Erasist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5uo4d/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_dislikes_writing/
%
A Christian priest, a Muslim priest and a rabbi are asked what method they use to give money with God and the community.

The Christain priest goes first. He draws a circle and throws all the money into the air. "Whatever falls into the inner part of the circle is mine, whatever falls on the outer side of the circle is God's and the communities.
The Muslim priest goes second. He draws a straight line and throws all his money into the air. "Whatever falls on the left side goes to me, and whatever falls on the right side goes to God and the community."
Finally, the rabbi goes. He doesn't draw a circle or a line, much to the confusion of the other priests. He threw the money into the air and said, "Whatever Hashem needs, he takes, whatever he doesn't need I take!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ungw/a_christian_priest_a_muslim_priest_and_a_rabbi/
%
A couple roommates squabble over the only phone charger in the house. One punches the other square in the face. The cops show up.

He is charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5umt9/a_couple_roommates_squabble_over_the_only_phone/
%
I only date black girls

Cause I hate meeting fathers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ucxf/i_only_date_black_girls/
%
A man with a wooden eye...

A man with a wooden eye is very self-conscious about his looks but also very lonely.
At the advice of his doctor, he decides to go to a local meetup with people who have similar disabilities.
After a while of listening to the music and looking around at the ladies he builds up the courage to ask a lady to dance with him.  He walks past a girl with one leg, passes a girl with no ears, and finally arrives in front of a sad looking girl with no nose.
"You wouldn't want to dance with me, would you?", he sheepishly asks the girl.
"Oh wouldn't I!? Wouldn't I?", she excitedly replies.
He point his finger at her face and yells "NO NOSE!  NO NOSE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5u9gg/a_man_with_a_wooden_eye/
%
what did one testicle say to the other?

we need to hang with each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5u8sj/what_did_one_testicle_say_to_the_other/
%
Why do fish do bad in school?

They are below the C level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5u79j/why_do_fish_do_bad_in_school/
%
An drunk alcoholic walks into a kids’ party

He sees all these long lines of children waiting for their rides, snacks etc.
He finally sees some adults holding drinks in their hands and joins them.
He stand there for hours, waiting for the line to move. Finally when his number comes, he asks for a “Vodka Martini, Shaken not stirred. I have waited so long for this line to end, please make it quick. “
The person replies, “Sir, I am sorry to inform you.
You waited this whole time for the punch line.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5u44l/an_drunk_alcoholic_walks_into_a_kids_party/
%
"What's the difference between a circus and a strip club?"

"The circus has a bunch of cunning stunts....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5u3vc/whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a_strip/
%
You know who's the funniest comedian?

My dick as all the women that saw it immediately laughed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5u2k4/you_know_whos_the_funniest_comedian/
%
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5u0ir/a_judge_was_interviewing_a_south_carolina_woman/
%
When I drink alcohol, everyone calls me alcoholic

But when I drink fanta nobody calls me
Or texts me.
Or talks to me.
I am so alone please help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5tu4i/when_i_drink_alcohol_everyone_calls_me_alcoholic/
%
What's it called when you're really annoyed by A, E, I, O, AND U?

Irritable Vowel Syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5tfmb/whats_it_called_when_youre_really_annoyed_by_a_e/
%
I watched a man get cut in half in a car accident today

By the time I got to him, he was delirious, clearly in his dying moments. He glanced to his left where his lower half was lying motionless, then up at me with a look somewhere in between anger and humor, and uttered his last words:
"I am beside myself right now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5td86/i_watched_a_man_get_cut_in_half_in_a_car_accident/
%
A man and an auditor...

A man went into an auditor’s office with his lawyer and sat down.
“It says here you get all your money from gambling?” The auditor said with a suspicious look.
“Yes,” the man said. “I am a fairly good gambler.”
The man then told the auditor that he would bet him $1000 dollars that he could bite both of his eyes.
He then proceeded to bite his glass eye and bite the other with his removable dentures.
The auditor was very distraught, and the man offered his money back for one last bet.
“I bet that I could stand on your desk and pee all the way into the trash can without getting a drop anywhere else.” The man said.
The auditor took his bet and the man tried so hard, but he peed all over the place. The auditor was jumping and screaming for joy.
The lawyer was on the verge of crying when the auditor asked him what was wrong. The lawyer replied with, “He bet me $25,000 earlier that he could pee all over your desk and you would be happy about it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5tb48/a_man_and_an_auditor/
%
What religion is a coffee machine?

He-brew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5t9sj/what_religion_is_a_coffee_machine/
%
How do you drown a hipster

Throw him in the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5t7mn/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
The 3 rings of a relationship

Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Suffering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5t4vv/the_3_rings_of_a_relationship/
%
How do you survive a grizzly bear attack with only a .22 pistol?

Shoot your hiking partner in the leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5t47w/how_do_you_survive_a_grizzly_bear_attack_with/
%
My first time trying it, I told my girlfriend I was nervous because I didn't know anything about bondage.

"Don't worry," she told me. "I'll show you the ropes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5t3rw/my_first_time_trying_it_i_told_my_girlfriend_i/
%
Why shouldn’t you marry a tennis player?

“Love” means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5szab/why_shouldnt_you_marry_a_tennis_player/
%
What happens when someone steals uranium

It becomes theiranium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5swl4/what_happens_when_someone_steals_uranium/
%
Do you know why today's youth is so odd?

Because they can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5stfu/do_you_know_why_todays_youth_is_so_odd/
%
Are you guys interested in going out? Maybe getting some drinks? Hanging out? Playing games?

Asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5srm1/are_you_guys_interested_in_going_out_maybe/
%
A rapist and con artist gets caught by the sheriff in a small town.

But he gets released because sitting presidents can't be indicted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5sqj8/a_rapist_and_con_artist_gets_caught_by_the/
%
Did you hear about the guy who reached absolute zero?

Don't worry, he's 0K!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5spsn/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_reached_absolute/
%
I told my friend that a girl keeps on sending me flowers with the heads cut off...

He told me I was being stalked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5slyi/i_told_my_friend_that_a_girl_keeps_on_sending_me/
%
I’d make a joke about Article 13, but...

*This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5sirb/id_make_a_joke_about_article_13_but/
%
How do you cut the ocean in half?

By using a seesaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5sg2o/how_do_you_cut_the_ocean_in_half/
%
What do you call a sad cantaloupe in a telephone booth?

Melon call ya

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5sdla/what_do_you_call_a_sad_cantaloupe_in_a_telephone/
%
I played cards with a guy in one of those T-Rex suits...

He was a small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5saaq/i_played_cards_with_a_guy_in_one_of_those_trex/
%
Sugar is a gateway drug

It gets you addicted to coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5s6mo/sugar_is_a_gateway_drug/
%
2 Word Joke

Dwarf Shortage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5s6fs/2_word_joke/
%
There was a women’s march in my town, and some jackass crashed it while wearing a giant penis costume.

I’ve never seen feminists beat a dick so hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5s0tj/there_was_a_womens_march_in_my_town_and_some/
%
R.I.P. Boiled water

You will be mist alot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5s0c2/rip_boiled_water/
%
Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5rz2r/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_check/
%
A Hot Thai Nurse

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service in the UK, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" said the man.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5rwop/a_hot_thai_nurse/
%
If it takes less than 5 minutes, do it right away

You won't believe how much Sex I am having since following this simple advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ru8p/if_it_takes_less_than_5_minutes_do_it_right_away/
%
What did the amputee say when the cannibal went to the bathroom?

"Are you shitting me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5rpk5/what_did_the_amputee_say_when_the_cannibal_went/
%
Unga Bunga

Three men wind up stranded on a deserted island. They encounter a native tribe, who captures them and brings them before their leader.
The chief asks them a simple question: "death or unga bunga?"
Not wanting to die, the first man chooses unga bunga, thinking it must surely be better than death.
The tribesman all grab thick wooden sticks and beat the man within an inch of his life. He is then free to leave, and crawls away while in indescribable pain.
The chief then asks the second man the same question: "death or unga bunga?" The man gulps, then stammers out "unga bunga." As before, the tribesman all grab thick wooden sticks and beat the man within an inch of his life. Still alive, but also in indescribable pain, he slowly crawls away.
The third man is terrified by this point, and shouts "DEATH! I CHOOSE DEATH!" before the chief can even ask the question. The chief nods and smiles.
"Death by unga bunga."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5rikp/unga_bunga/
%
What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5rdni/what_do_lawyers_wear_to_court/
%
Whatever you do give it 100%

Unless your donating blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5rd1y/whatever_you_do_give_it_100/
%
Why are mothers the best at pictionary?

Because mummies know hieroglyphics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5r9p0/why_are_mothers_the_best_at_pictionary/
%
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman and asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money at gun point.
Man started sobbing and said, "Brother, you take anything you want, but please untie the rope and let her go."
Thief said, "You really love your wife, huh!"
Man said, "No, my wife will arrive shortly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5r9bw/a_thief_entered_a_house_midafternoon/
%
Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honey combs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5r8uf/why_do_bees_have_sticky_hair/
%
Girls are like multiplication tables

If they're under 10 just do them in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5r838/girls_are_like_multiplication_tables/
%
While you studied Google fu,

I mastered the arts of tae Qwant do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5r722/while_you_studied_google_fu/
%
What's the difference between a clam fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits one fucks between shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5r6wq/whats_the_difference_between_a_clam_fisherman/
%
Did you hear about the horse with 150 IQ?

He was a stable genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5r3nk/did_you_hear_about_the_horse_with_150_iq/
%
Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5r0ik/elevators_are_a_lot_like_urinals/
%
A man goes to the Apple store

To upgrade his iPhone, wondering why all the new products looked the same as the old but had a plus next to them.
He asked an employee who said, "yeah if we add a plus next to the products people think they're better than the really are."
Later that night as the man was getting frisky with his girlfriend, she rolled her eyes as he excitedly disrobed. "Do you think you're going to do anything with those 2 inches?"
"What do you mean? Behold! I'm excited to announce the new and improved 2 inch PLUS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5qxys/a_man_goes_to_the_apple_store/
%
A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.
The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.
After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.
The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”
The man asks, “Why not?”
And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5qxum/a_rapist_and_con_artist_get_caught_by_the_sheriff/
%
What do you call a soldier that's survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5qxbg/what_do_you_call_a_soldier_thats_survived_mustard/
%
What happens when midgets do weed?

They get medium, they’re to short to get high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5qlmb/what_happens_when_midgets_do_weed/
%
Who is the patron saint of ‘reply all’?

St. Francis of a CC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5qjte/who_is_the_patron_saint_of_reply_all/
%
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"

I said: "No it doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5qjai/my_friend_says_to_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
My friend took Delta to court after his luggage went missing ...

He lost his case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5qgg3/my_friend_took_delta_to_court_after_his_luggage/
%
What did O say to Q?

Dude, your junk is hanging out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5qeuo/what_did_o_say_to_q/
%
What do brexit and my dog have in common

They beg to be let out but just sit at the door when they finally are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5qczc/what_do_brexit_and_my_dog_have_in_common/
%
The guy who stole my diary has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5qavs/the_guy_who_stole_my_diary_has_died/
%
My wife told me there was something wrong with her intestines

I asked her how did she know?
She told me she didn't, it was just a gut feeling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5q8pj/my_wife_told_me_there_was_something_wrong_with/
%
Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa. There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"
Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."
Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and said, "Ugh, those taste like crap, grandpa!"
Grandpa says, "See you're getting smarter already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5q84x/little_billy_is_standing_in_the_barn_with_his/
%
I was trying to find out where the sun was..

... then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5q3ou/i_was_trying_to_find_out_where_the_sun_was/
%
Reading all these jokes makes me go numb...

But reading mathematics-related jokes makes me go number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5q0w0/reading_all_these_jokes_makes_me_go_numb/
%
Should use this moon stone on my Jigglypuff?

I can't decide, it is such a Tuff decision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5pwbj/should_use_this_moon_stone_on_my_jigglypuff/
%
Two fishes are in a tank

One turns to the other and asks "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5pu4i/two_fishes_are_in_a_tank/
%
Why did the smartphone need glasses

It lost all it's contacts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5pu2t/why_did_the_smartphone_need_glasses/
%
A 3 year old boy examined his testicles in bath

“Mom” He asked “ Are these my brains”
“Not yet” She replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5prvh/a_3_year_old_boy_examined_his_testicles_in_bath/
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Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp.

Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.
“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.
“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home.
“I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends were back here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5pkyq/three_friends_stranded_on_a_deserted_island_find/
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When I was growing up , everybody laughed at me for wanting to be a comedian

Well, no one is laughing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5pk8y/when_i_was_growing_up_everybody_laughed_at_me_for/
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Really hate Russian dolls.

they’re so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5phoo/really_hate_russian_dolls/
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Why did Barty Crouch quit drinking?

Because it was making him moody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ph2c/why_did_barty_crouch_quit_drinking/
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A travelling salesman walks into a bar...

He’s going over the menu when a local guy slides onto the stool next to him, and just says one word: “Waterloo.”
Guessing he’s onto something of a local speciality, he asks for one himself. He takes a deep swig and pulls a face: “This doesn’t taste like anything at all!!!” he exclaims.
The local guy asks the bartender: “Well, what did he expect? It’s a water, innit Lou?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5pguo/a_travelling_salesman_walks_into_a_bar/
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Wanna know why I have a step ladder?

Because I never had a real ladder...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5pc9f/wanna_know_why_i_have_a_step_ladder/
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How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?

Nothing! It’s on the house!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5pavq/how_much_does_it_cost_santa_to_park_his_sleigh/
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I hate when bacteria gets into me without me knowing

It makes me sick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5p7yx/i_hate_when_bacteria_gets_into_me_without_me/
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Look at that cloud, trying to act all cool..

He's nothin' but smog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5p3zj/look_at_that_cloud_trying_to_act_all_cool/
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When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5p3iz/when_i_become_a_lawyer_i_want_to_defend_a_penguin/
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Did y'all hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?

He just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5p2e2/did_yall_hear_about_the_fat_alcoholic_transvestite/
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How does the Grim Reaper keep his cloak so black?

He uses dye!
Cheesy joke I came up with last night, enjoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ozc0/how_does_the_grim_reaper_keep_his_cloak_so_black/
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I can travel into the future!

One second at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5owdk/i_can_travel_into_the_future/
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Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.
The top scientist of both nations worked day and night for a year, and the day of the fight arrived.
The Soviets put an absolute monster of a dog in to the ring - imagine a cross between a bear, a wolverine and a wolf with the jaws of a great white shark and the size of an average car.
The Americans opened their cage and after some prodding, a 10 meter long dachshund waddled out and looked around sleepily. The Soviet leadership started looking pretty smug at this point.
The Soviet dog growled and attacked, but the dachshund just opened its jaws wide and swallowed it whole. Fight over.
The Soviets conceded defeat and signed over the world to the beaming Americans, who graciously invited the losers to the celebration party in Hollywood.
At the party, one of the Soviet scientists got to talking with one of his American counterpart and said “I just don’t understand. We toiled day and night to breed the biggest, most vicious animal in the world, and still we lost. 23 of my men went insane from the pressure, the finest minds of my country lost forever.”
The American took a swig from his drink and replied, “Oh yeah? You try making a crocodile look like a dog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ovoz/cold_war_dog_fight/
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My wife found a lot of animal porn on my pc - but I think I got away with it!

I blamed the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5outs/my_wife_found_a_lot_of_animal_porn_on_my_pc_but_i/
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If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean...

...I don't matter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ou35/if_im_not_a_solid_a_liquid_or_a_gas_does_that_mean/
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"You're so childish!" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends? This is ridiculous! This relationship is over!"

I shouted back, "This relationship is what?! Over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5otxr/youre_so_childish_screamed_the_wife_why_do_you/
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What’s a frog’s favourite website?

REDDIT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5othy/whats_a_frogs_favourite_website/
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how did the lawyer become sober?

He passed the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5orko/how_did_the_lawyer_become_sober/
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whats the difference between ignorance and apathy?

idk and idc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5oqbe/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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When Stephen King was born

No one knew he had It coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5oo87/when_stephen_king_was_born/
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I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5om2b/ive_heard_the_canadian_primeminister_has_a_french/
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A rich mother in law has 3 daughters who are married off to 3 men....

She wanted to test whether her sons in law really cared about her or not. So she devised a plan. She invites her first SIL for a run and after reaching a river she purposefully slips into the river's current.
Without any hesitation first SIL jumps into the river and saves her. The very next day he receives a brand new Audi car and $10mn in cash with a note "thanks for saving me-MIL". She now invites second SIL for run and does the same , without hesitation he jumps in and saves her. The next day he receives same model car ,$10mn and note saying "thanks for saving me-MIL". She now invites her final SIL and does the same when she reaches the river but this time the son in law just ignores and walks back to his home. The very next day he receives 2 brand new cars and $20mn in cash with a note  "thanks for saving me-FIL".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5okvd/a_rich_mother_in_law_has_3_daughters_who_are/
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Imagine if Americans switched from Pounds to Kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5okio/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
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She crawled into bed with me, sat on top of me, and bit my ear...

It was my cat. She wanted more fucking food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ojdx/she_crawled_into_bed_with_me_sat_on_top_of_me_and/
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Every once and a while, we should stop and reflect on what the world is coming to.

Then we should go on PornHub and find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5oeui/every_once_and_a_while_we_should_stop_and_reflect/
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What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $300 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5oeo9/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
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If Rolex had an app on PC what would be Its file name?

Rol.exe
Sorry for the trash pun, thought about it while walking in front of rolex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ocqh/if_rolex_had_an_app_on_pc_what_would_be_its_file/
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A doctor sees a “brains for sale” sign in front of a shop.

He goes in and sees a doctor’s brain is $8 a pound, paramedic brain is $12 a pound, nurses brain is $30 a pound, truck driver is $40, and a lawyer brain is $90 a pound. He asks the person behind the cash register, “Why is a doctor brain worth $8 a pound but a lawyer brain is worth $90?” The cashier responds, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5o8jo/a_doctor_sees_a_brains_for_sale_sign_in_front_of/
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What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5o4wv/what_do_a_nearsighted_gynecologist_and_a_puppy/
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How Do You Fit 8 Elephants In a Car

2 in the front, 3 in the back and the bottle from an earlier joke in the middle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5o4ux/how_do_you_fit_8_elephants_in_a_car/
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One Wish

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an unusual old lamp. She picked it up and cleaned it off, and suddenly a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for...a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5o1jp/one_wish/
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I had a disturbing dream last night in which I was shagging my best mate up the arse.

I think it's my subconscious telling me he's gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5nyxl/i_had_a_disturbing_dream_last_night_in_which_i/
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What's the similarity between lesbian relationships and resonance?

Both work best if periods are synchronized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5nyd1/whats_the_similarity_between_lesbian/
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An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,

and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."
The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune."
The Irishman replies, "I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."
The Welshman answers, "I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir."
The Scotsman says quickly, "I'd like to be shot first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5nxyu/an_englishman_irishman_welshman_scotsman_were/
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What's the similarity between Hitler and an asthma patient?

Neither of them can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5nxeo/whats_the_similarity_between_hitler_and_an_asthma/
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I love humanity...

It's just people I can't stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5nt1p/i_love_humanity/
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Life is like oral sex

one slip of the tongue and your in the shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5nrmc/life_is_like_oral_sex/
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Circumcisions are odd. Expensive ones are worth it, while...

Cheap ones are ripoffs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5npwa/circumcisions_are_odd_expensive_ones_are_worth_it/
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‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’

“Now that’s an old one.” The chicken smiled to himself as he looked across the barren road in front of him, the age old question repeating itself in his mind.
On one side, the chicken stood. The other, a lone bar in the middle of nowhere. And yet, at some point, it was once the most bustling bar on the face of the planet.
“I suppose my time’s finally come.” The chicken walked ahead, looking both ways before doing so despite knowing well that not a single car had used this road since... well, since a long time ago. Once he crossed the road, he looked back, chuckling to himself. He entered the bar, revealing that what looked like a simple building stretched out in an enormous area, tables and chairs littered all throughout as if the bar was intended to be this large. In those tables and chairs were familiar faces to the farm fowl. The mathematician, neutron, Irishman... numerous friends the chicken has made over the years. Though, instead of talking and sharing their stories concerning their jokes, they were all frozen, covered in crystal. If he had to hazard a guess, the chicken would probably think it was infinitely big. “It’d have to be, with how many we are.” He reasoned with a laugh.
“You can say that again.” The chicken looked to his side and smiled, the bar’s tender wiping a glass nonchalantly behind the counter. Hopping up on one of the seats, he looked to his right and found an old friend of his, the horse. He too had been crystallized, stuck drinking from an empty glass for all eternity.
“Yup. My usual.” The chicken asked as he looked back behind him, turning back to grab a bottle of grape juice. He drank, the air going silent until he set down his bottle, sighing. “You know why I’m here, right?”
The bartender set down the glass he was polishing, nodding somberly. “Of course. Fitting that we’d be the last, huh?”
“Eh.” The chicken shrugged. “Maybe we aren’t. But that doesn’t exactly concern us, does it?”
“Nope.” The bartender chuckled. Below them, the same crystallization process began, locking their feet and legs. “I suppose this is goodbye.”
But the chicken smiled knowingly, shaking his head. “Not exactly.”
“Hmm? What do you mean?”
“Ask me.”
“What?”
“Ask me what we’re doing.”
The bartender was suspicious, but as the crystallization reached their torsos, he sighed, rolling his eyes. “Might as well then... what are we doing, you old bastard?”
The chicken went silent, letting their prison slowly crawl up to their necks before he chuckled, his head becoming stiff as he said his final words.
“We’re off to get to the other side...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5nl33/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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He proposed marriage, because she promised she will make him try different positions

Now he is a husband, a driver, a cook, a gardener and a plumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ndxi/he_proposed_marriage_because_she_promised_she/
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What a woman she'll make

You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make !
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it !"
The teacher fainted !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ndl9/what_a_woman_shell_make/
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What did the Persian refugee say when he was asked how he got over the border?

I ran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5nbm6/what_did_the_persian_refugee_say_when_he_was/
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How do you fit 2 elephants in a bottle without them touching each other?

You put a third in between them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5nb7y/how_do_you_fit_2_elephants_in_a_bottle_without/
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Why did the smartphone need glasses?

Because it lost all it's contacts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5n7hb/why_did_the_smartphone_need_glasses/
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Two Mice Live in a Movie Studio Warehouse

Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.
"What did you find?" he asks.
"I'm not sure, it looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see...ah, yes - it's from 'Gone with the Wind'".
"And how is it?"
"Nothing much. The book was better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5mzvx/two_mice_live_in_a_movie_studio_warehouse/
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Why is a skeleton a bad liar?

You can see right through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5mza0/why_is_a_skeleton_a_bad_liar/
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I can stop any pipe from leaking

Just by giving it a tap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5msi8/i_can_stop_any_pipe_from_leaking/
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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no.

They're going to kill me anyway and I'd love to die the way I lived : avoiding manual labor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5mr3o/if_someone_tried_to_make_me_dig_my_own_grave_i/
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Isn't it strange when you're thinking about someone and then they come out of no-where?

Anyway, my dad just walked in on me masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5mpl5/isnt_it_strange_when_youre_thinking_about_someone/
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I bought my friend an elephant for their room

They said "Thank you"
I said "Don't mention it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5mlzx/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_their_room/
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A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer

for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
Tommy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back. That's fine."
The farmer said, "Sorry, I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Tommy then said, "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, "Why? What ya gonna do with him?"
Tommy replied, "I’m going to raffle him off."
The farmer laughed and said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! Who'd buy a ticket?"
Tommy answered, "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won't tell anybody the horse is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?"
Tommy said, "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Tommy smiled and said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5mhli/a_young_guy_called_tommy_bought_a_horse_from_a/
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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client

and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5mh7e/a_new_york_attorney_representing_a_wealthy_art/
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A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency

looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5mgzg/a_husband_and_wife_who_work_for_the_circus_go_to/
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What do people from Alabama have in common with yeast?

They're both in bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5mgza/what_do_people_from_alabama_have_in_common_with/
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Here's another godawful joke. Downvote away.

Why was the man banned from the jazz club?
Because he was a registered sax offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5mdna/heres_another_godawful_joke_downvote_away/
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What’s the worst thing someone can ask for during sex?

A refund.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5mb6o/whats_the_worst_thing_someone_can_ask_for_during/
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What happens if you give your therapist some space?

You get fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5lxie/what_happens_if_you_give_your_therapist_some_space/
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One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.
The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.
"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him:
" I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people . "
So it happened. The professor got a plumber job and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber has to go to evening classes to complete the eight grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of the circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, he filled the white board with integrals, differentials and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result he got
"minus pi r squared".
He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated.
He looked a bit scared at the class and saw all the plumbers whisper:
" Switch the limits of the integral !!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5lus4/one_professor_of_mathematics_noticed_that_his/
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What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ltz4/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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What did the limestone say to the geologist?

Don’t take me for granite!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5lpq1/what_did_the_limestone_say_to_the_geologist/
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What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?

Spelling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5lgs9/what_is_a_witchs_favorite_subject_in_school/
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An old man is at a nude beach

He is sunbathing naked. For civilty he kept a hat over his genitals. Later a woman was walking up to the man and with a smile,said "if you were a gentleman you would take off the hat." The old man replies. "If you weren't so ugly. It would lift its self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5l3vx/an_old_man_is_at_a_nude_beach/
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What’s the difference between a Syrian hospital and an ISIS hideout?

I don’t know! I’m just the drone operator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5kuke/whats_the_difference_between_a_syrian_hospital/
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How do you sneak into a school for ghosts?

Just act super natural.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5kt35/how_do_you_sneak_into_a_school_for_ghosts/
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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5kntm/an_amish_woman_and_her_daughter_were_riding_in_an/
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Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5km4r/harry_potter_has_way_too_many_characters/
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Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5kkak/twenty_years_from_now_kids_are_gonna_think_baby/
%
Why is it a bad idea picking a fight with a Dinosaur?

Because you will most likely end up getting jurasskicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5k6mm/why_is_it_a_bad_idea_picking_a_fight_with_a/
%
Most people coming out: Mom, dad, I’m gay

JK Rowling coming out: Mom, dad, you’re gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5k3g8/most_people_coming_out_mom_dad_im_gay/
%
An old man goes to a whorehouse...

...and says to the madam, "ma'am, I'm in the market for some kinky sex."
The madam says, "go upstairs and knock on the third door. Ask for Elsie. She'll take care of you."
So, up the old man goes and knocks on the door. Elsie answers and says, "Yes?"
The old man repeats, "Hi, I'm in the market for some kinky sex."
The prostitute says, "What'll it be, ropes? Chains? Whips?"
The old man replies, "I'm wondering if we could maybe draw a bath?"
They go into the bathroom and the prostitute turns on the faucet. As the bath fills up, the old man says, "Maybe you can turn on the shower, it would be like rain falling on the lake!"
So, the prostitute obliges and turns on the shower. The old man is in ecstasy. "Yes! Just like I remember! Ok, now, whoosh the water back and forth with your hands it will be like waves!"
So, the prostitute starts whooshing the water. As she's doing this, the old man says, "Yes, perfect! Now, flush the toilet with your elbow, it'll be like thunder!"
So, the prostitute obliges and flushes the toilet, and the old man says, "Now, as the water is filling up in the toilet, flick the light switch on and off, it'll be like lightning! But keep going with the waves!"
The old man is getting so excited, "Yes! Rain! Waves! Thunder! Lightning!" and the prostitute is just working everything non-stop.
After a while, the prostitute, exhausted, says, "Mister, what do you say we give this up and just have some normal sex?"
The old main exclaims, "What, in this weather?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5k2zb/an_old_man_goes_to_a_whorehouse/
%
I can't eat whale blubber.

I've tried it, I'm just not Inuit.
-my beloved nerd of a husband

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5k18b/i_cant_eat_whale_blubber/
%
A new Vietnamese restaurant opened across from another, and the owners have been throwing competitive deals all week.

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5jzc6/a_new_vietnamese_restaurant_opened_across_from/
%
What is a pirates least favorite vegetable

Leaks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5jpve/what_is_a_pirates_least_favorite_vegetable/
%
Why did Uncle Sam get a divorce?

His wife was Auntie America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5jhqa/why_did_uncle_sam_get_a_divorce/
%
The best time to cry is when you're cutting onions.

Cuz everyone thinks it's just the onions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5jhju/the_best_time_to_cry_is_when_youre_cutting_onions/
%
Why were cosmonauts on the Russian space station always bumping into things?

Because objects in Mir are closer than they appear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5jdiw/why_were_cosmonauts_on_the_russian_space_station/
%
One day, a young deer named Frank Lee went out with his mother...

As they were carrying on with their daily business, they came across a river with a beaver building a dam.
The young deer asked his mother, “Why is the beaver building a dam?”
His mother responded, “Not for long. Watch and learn, son.”
The mother then proceeded to destroy and wreak havoc on the dam the beaver had built, destroying it in the process. All the branches and sticks were gone with the wind.
Frank Lee was distraught and started to panic. “You didn’t have to do that, mother!”
The mother calmly responded, “Frank Lee, my deer, I don't give a dam.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5jdei/one_day_a_young_deer_named_frank_lee_went_out/
%
I met a really cute bird keeper...

She had all kinds of birds at her house.
She had some beautiful parrots, a couple of cockatiels, and a pair of great tits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5jd3v/i_met_a_really_cute_bird_keeper/
%
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns...

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5jc1i/a_man_escapes_from_a_prison_where_hes_been_locked/
%
I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it.

it’s true, I saw it with my own eyes!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5jb2h/i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_just_by_looking_at_it/
%
Kid: Mom, what’s dark humor?

Mom: See that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap.
Kid: Mom! I’m blind! I can’t see!
Mom: Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5j9vs/kid_mom_whats_dark_humor/
%
I can't believe how supportive my wife was after telling her I was going to take a second wife

She said it was bigamy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5j9tx/i_cant_believe_how_supportive_my_wife_was_after/
%
The FBI was following a furry.

They were on his tail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5j7w2/the_fbi_was_following_a_furry/
%
What did the fish say when the river stopped flowing

Gosh dam it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5j6ts/what_did_the_fish_say_when_the_river_stopped/
%
Blockbuster

A man walks into blockbuster, has a look around and goes to the front desk.
"excuse me sir, can I have a copy of Batman forever?"
Clerk responds: "Sorry guy, I'm gonna need it back tomorrow night".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5j5no/blockbuster/
%
You shuold be be able to edit titles



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5j3zk/you_shuold_be_be_able_to_edit_titles/
%
The Detective's Conundrum

The detective walked into the smokey room. His assistant scurried in after. He took in the scene.
A dim light.
A flipped table.
And 53 bicycles laying all around the floor.
"It's apparent what he wrong here," the detective said.
"What is it?" asked the perplexed assistant.
"Someone had an ace up their sleeve."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5j2fa/the_detectives_conundrum/
%
My grandpa used to say that what women want is security, and I have to admit he was right.

That’s what they yell for when I start talking to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5j0mr/my_grandpa_used_to_say_that_what_women_want_is/
%
Did you hear about the iguana who couldn’t reproduce?

Turns out he was having a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ivue/did_you_hear_about_the_iguana_who_couldnt/
%
What is a sheep’s favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ivks/what_is_a_sheeps_favorite_office_tool/
%
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp

The host asked me: What are you?
Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.
Host: You're costume is too short to be a harp
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ivel/i_went_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_as_a_harp/
%
What do you call a bomb in a bull?

Abominable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5iuex/what_do_you_call_a_bomb_in_a_bull/
%
Where would we be without builders?

Outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ind3/where_would_we_be_without_builders/
%
Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...

Now he goes with de-calf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5in73/chris_used_to_drink_only_regular_coffee_then_he/
%
How do you catch a lady of the night?

You HOOKer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5im9l/how_do_you_catch_a_lady_of_the_night/
%
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands.

As they came
back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge
to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she
took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded
them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting
rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath
to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on
the phone, and one says to the other:
"We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up
to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a
card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."
_______

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ild7/two_women_go_out_one_weekend_without_their/
%
What do you call several rabbits in a line walking backwards?

A receding hare-line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ifd4/what_do_you_call_several_rabbits_in_a_line/
%
(NSFW) No one was too upset about being on a flight with two female pilots, just a little surprised...

None of them had ever seen a plane with three cockpits before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5idr1/nsfw_no_one_was_too_upset_about_being_on_a_flight/
%
Why did the biology teacher and rhe physics teacher break up?

Because they had no CHEMISTRY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5i3gr/why_did_the_biology_teacher_and_rhe_physics/
%
What did the shark say when he ate the clown-fish?

This taste a little funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5i2lc/what_did_the_shark_say_when_he_ate_the_clownfish/
%
What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5i0wq/what_do_a_hot_potato_and_a_thrown_pig_have_in/
%
What do mountains do at dinner time?

They avalunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5hwsz/what_do_mountains_do_at_dinner_time/
%
(Long) God was in the gate's heaven listening how people died, in order to let them in

(I'm really sorry for the bad grammar... I'm not native - feel free to correct the text, so i can edit it)
So the first guy arrives in gate's heaven:
God: So... We need to know how you've died, so we can let you in.
Guy: Ok. You won't believe in that... Me and my wife lived on the 15th floor of an apartament, and our marriage was not going well. I got a strong feeling that she was cheating on me. Because of that, i decided to show up earlier at home, so i could get her on act. Very well, i left my job and went straight home at that day. When i got home, my wife was completely naked, and yelling a lot, trying to distract me or something... Anyway, i searched for the cheater all over the ap, but i couldn't find him... When i was about to give up, i saw fingers hanging on the balcony... Haha that bastard almost got away... I went there and started to hit his finger, and he felt down. When i thought i killed him, i realized that the bastard was alive... He felt into some trees, and didn't die. I was so angry, that i pulled the fridge through the balcony... Finally, then, the cheater was dead. I was so happy, that had a heart attack, and died instantly.
God: Well... That was a really sad story... Ok, you can get in! Next.
Guy 2: Hi.
God: Hi... So, what's your story?
Guy 2: Well... It will look a bit crazy, but here it is... I lived in the 16th floor of an apartament, and was making my daily exercises, when i slipped and felt down the balcony... Luckly i was able to hold myself at the balcony of the 15th floor. But... You won't believe this... The guy who lived there just started to hit my fingers... Just like that. With no warning! I felt down and was going to die... But i was lucky again... I felt into some trees, so i survived... At least for the moment! When i looked up, the bastard thrown the fridge from up there, and hit me on the face. I've died at the same moment!
God: Wow... That was sick... Sorry, pal. You can get in. Next.
Guy 3: hello!
God: Hi... So, what's your story? I'm sure it won't be as crazy as the last two that i heard...
Guy 3: Well, you might wanna change your mind about that... You won't believe it, but i was inside a fridge, on the 15th floor of an apartament...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5hsy9/long_god_was_in_the_gates_heaven_listening_how/
%
Black jokes are funny, Jewish jokes are funny, Holocaust jokes are funny, 9/11 jokes....

are just plane wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5hs9e/black_jokes_are_funny_jewish_jokes_are_funny/
%
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just need a little space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5hqrt/did_you_hear_about_the_claustrophobic_astronaut/
%
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."

A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5hqgv/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travellers/
%
I finally submitted my thesis about people with a fetish for clocks.

It's about fucking time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5hpyb/i_finally_submitted_my_thesis_about_people_with_a/
%
I've been described as a sex symbol

However, that symbol is a question mark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5hoyq/ive_been_described_as_a_sex_symbol/
%
Did you hear about the Agnostic, Dyslexic, Insomniac?

Some say that he lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5hn2z/did_you_hear_about_the_agnostic_dyslexic_insomniac/
%
What do you call sad coffee?

Depresso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5hh8t/what_do_you_call_sad_coffee/
%
Mondays suck. But two days ago was

A Sadder Day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5hf5w/mondays_suck_but_two_days_ago_was/
%
What do you get when you lay a fart in church?

You get to sit in your own pew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5hd8y/what_do_you_get_when_you_lay_a_fart_in_church/
%
Have you heard the undead are attacking people?

Yeah we’re in grave danger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5hd5i/have_you_heard_the_undead_are_attacking_people/
%
I told my wife I'd heard the postman had slept with every woman on the street, except for one.

She said: 'I bet it's that stuck-up bitch at no. 17'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ha34/i_told_my_wife_id_heard_the_postman_had_slept/
%
Why was there no room at the inn

Because it was Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5h8jl/why_was_there_no_room_at_the_inn/
%
(NFSW) A man goes for

For a cheap penis extension.
The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for $2000.
The man agrees.
6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night.
While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants.
"Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?"
He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my ass can take another apple."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5h6h8/nfsw_a_man_goes_for/
%
Want a stable relationship?

Fuck a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5h65p/want_a_stable_relationship/
%
I'd make an Osama bin laden joke

But it's a bit of a shot in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5h39r/id_make_an_osama_bin_laden_joke/
%
What do you call a patronising thief walking down stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5gzal/what_do_you_call_a_patronising_thief_walking_down/
%
Two troublesome boys

So these two kids are just the worst.  They're 8 and 6, and they get into trouble every day.  Kicking cats, firecrackers in mailboxes, the works.  If something is broken or missing in their neighborhood, it's these kids' fault.
Their parents are at their wits end; they've tried grounding them, they've tried spanking them, and nothing works, so they go talk to their priest.
"Father, you need to help us, we don't know what to do!" they tell the priest, and he agrees to talk to the boys, but only if he can meet with them one at a time, and alone (I know what you're thinking, but it's not that kind of joke).
So the 6 year old goes into the priest's office, and the priest, wanting to impress on the youngster that God is always watching, asks him "Son...where do you think God is?".
The little boy, now really knowing a lot about religion, and distrustful of grown-ups, doesn't answer.
The priest asks again "Son, can you tell me where God is", and again, the little boy says nothing.
The priest, growing increasingly frustrated, looks the boy straight in the face and says "I'll ask once more son, Where is God?".
Well, on that, the little boy jumps up from the chair, runs out the door into the waiting room and grabs his brother's hand and they run and they run and they run until they get home, here they hide in a closet.
Out of breath and super confused, his brother asks "What is going on?"
And the little brother says "I think we're in real trouble this time...God is missing, and they think we did it!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5gwic/two_troublesome_boys/
%
Did you hear about the blonde who died ice fishing?

She got run over by the Zamboni.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5gtx1/did_you_hear_about_the_blonde_who_died_ice_fishing/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

5.
1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5gtsc/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so damn good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5gqze/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
My girlfriend calls me a stalker.

Well, she isn't my girlfriend yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5gcx6/my_girlfriend_calls_me_a_stalker/
%
What do you call a girl on the arm of a banio player?

A tattoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5gcrb/what_do_you_call_a_girl_on_the_arm_of_a_banio/
%
Ten Facts about Diarrhea:

\#2 is gonna surprise you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5gas8/ten_facts_about_diarrhea/
%
What did one mythical sea creature say to the other?

What's kraken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5g67w/what_did_one_mythical_sea_creature_say_to_the/
%
A man goes into a flower shop

He looks around for a while, but can only see petals and leaves.
So he asks the woman at the till, "Can you actually sell me any complete flowers today?"
"No" she says, "we're out of stalk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5g631/a_man_goes_into_a_flower_shop/
%
What’s E.T short for?

He’s got little legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5g61u/whats_et_short_for/
%
“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5g3yl/queue_sounds_like_q_followed_by_4_silent_letters/
%
Wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

That's the spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5g0rg/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_ghosts/
%
What do you call the guy you buy coffee from in Antartica?

The brrrrrrista.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5fw2k/what_do_you_call_the_guy_you_buy_coffee_from_in/
%
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5fw1t/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
crappy pun

me: you know how sometimes caps lock locks you out of a website ,because you forgot to turn it off when typing the password
human society: yes
me: I guess caps lock is awfully shifty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5funt/crappy_pun/
%
A child asks their parent, "What's an alcoholic?"

"Well", the parent says, "You see those two buses over there? An alcoholic would see four".
The child responds, "there's only one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5fqsy/a_child_asks_their_parent_whats_an_alcoholic/
%
A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.
"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."
"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"
"Well, first, you have to cold-cock the bouncer," says the bartender, pointing to a man by the door who is the size of a house. "Then if you're still okay, we have a pit bull downstairs with an abscessed tooth. You have to pull it out with your bare hands."
"So far I'm not liking this," says the man. "But I'll bite. What's the third act?"
"See old Mrs. Jennings down there?" asks the bartender, pointing to an old lady at the end of the bar with warts on her face. "She hasn't had sex in a long time."
"You know what, I'm good," says the guy. "Just bring me my usual."
As the night goes on, one drink becomes many, and the guy decides he's feeling pretty brave. "Aw, what the heck," he thinks, and plops a $20 in the jar and heads over to the bouncer, punching him in the jaw as hard as he can.
The bouncer crumples to the floor as if made of paper. "All right!" he yells. "Where's that pit bull?!"
He runs downstairs and throughout the bar a howling is heard as if the gates of Hell have opened up, then silence. A few moments later, he comes running back up the stairs, a wild look in his eye.
"All right!" he says. "Where's the lady with the abscessed tooth!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5fphx/a_man_goes_into_his_favorite_bar_and_sees_a_jar/
%
A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5fmrt/a_pretty_woman_sneezes_at_a_restaurant/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because in a recent murder case, 7 is a prime-ary suspect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5fi1p/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
The wife just asked me whether I love football or her the most?

I said ''open your legs and I will show you''
Then I nutmegged her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5f3iv/the_wife_just_asked_me_whether_i_love_football_or/
%
If you ever get attacked by a bear...

play dead it will be good practice for when you die a couple of minutes later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5f3b1/if_you_ever_get_attacked_by_a_bear/
%
A frenchman, an american and a russian are all caught by a tribe cannibals.

The chief meets with the three and tells them "We want to eat you. But we are a civilized people, so we will give you a chance live. To take this chance, your first task will be to bring to us 10 of any fruit you can find."
So the three go out into the wilderness looking for fruits. The frenchman is the first one back, and he brings with him 10 apples. The chieftain looks at him and says "now, stick these 10 apples up your ass. If you can, we will let you live. If you cannot, we will cook and eat you.
The frenchman starts sticking apples up his ass, and gets to five before breaking down, unable to put in any more. The cannibals, as promised, cook him and eat him.
The next one back is the American, and he bring 10 grapes. The chieftain gives him the same speech, and he starts putting grapes up his ass. He gets to nine before he falls to the ground, laughing hysterically. As he's unable to get up and continue, the cannibals cook and eat him too.
At the pearly gates, the American is met by the Frenchman, who says "Why would you do that?! You were almost there! You could have lived!"
The American, still laughing hysterically, replies "Yeah. But I saw the Russian coming back with watermelons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5f207/a_frenchman_an_american_and_a_russian_are_all/
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Why do you never see Old Suicide Bombers, after all they have less to loose?

Because A man who hasn't had a hard on in 10 years, has no use for 72 virgins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5f0pr/why_do_you_never_see_old_suicide_bombers_after/
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A guy takes a bite out of a Big Mac.

The Apple store employees were very surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5eywp/a_guy_takes_a_bite_out_of_a_big_mac/
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An old, tired looking dog

wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ewil/an_old_tired_looking_dog/
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My boss got stuck on the roof while trying to get some work done

He shouted “get me a ladder!”
I won’t let him down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5etuk/my_boss_got_stuck_on_the_roof_while_trying_to_get/
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“Hey, have you heard the joke about a guy who kept procrastinating?” “No. Can you tell me?”

“Actually, nevermind, I’ll tell you later.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ett0/hey_have_you_heard_the_joke_about_a_guy_who_kept/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching a juggler

The juggler, noticing the four have a bit of poor view, stands up on a box, then calls out to them, "Can you see me better now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5etdq/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine a world without procrastination…

…actually, nevermind let’s do that later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5esdg/i_want_you_to_close_your_eyes_for_a_moment_and/
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I don't know how people get addicted to drugs

i've been doin meth for 20 years and never once got addicted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5epbm/i_dont_know_how_people_get_addicted_to_drugs/
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20 and 21 had a fight

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5eo4j/20_and_21_had_a_fight/
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“Captain, we need to get the safest part of the storm”

“Eye”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5enkq/captain_we_need_to_get_the_safest_part_of_the/
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While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.  "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.  We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem.  Just let me in," says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups.  What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven.  Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?  I've made up my mind.  I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a golf course.  In the distance a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.  Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.  They run to greet him, shake his hands and reminisce about the good times they had while getting both exalted and rich .  They played a friendly round of golf and then dine on lobster, maliputo, caviar, and Macallan 1926.  Also present is the devil who really is a very friendly guy and who is having a good time and telling jokes.  They are all having such a good time that before the politician realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up and the door reopens in Heaven while St. Peter is waiting for him
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."  So, 24 hours passed with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud,  playing the harp, Cebu guitar and singing.  They have a good time and before he realizes it the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.  "Well then you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven.  Now choose your eternity.
"The minister reflects for a minute before he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."  So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.  He sees all his friends, dressed in rags picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.  The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician.
"The other day I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster, maliputo, and caviar, drank $10,000 Macallan and we flirted, danced and had a great time.  Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.  What happened?",
The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.  Today you voted".
Edit 1: Changed minister to politician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5encr/while_walking_down_the_street_a_politician_was/
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Pluto, king of the Underworld, may be terrifying, but deep down he’s just depressed.

He’s trying to cope with it, but Charon took the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5emai/pluto_king_of_the_underworld_may_be_terrifying/
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I went to a comedy night at a haunted mansion

I got booed off the stage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5efto/i_went_to_a_comedy_night_at_a_haunted_mansion/
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What State in the United States is High in the middle and round at the ends?

Ohio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5e2vc/what_state_in_the_united_states_is_high_in_the/
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I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5e1rl/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
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What do the Enterprise & Toilet paper have in common?

They both fly around Uranus looking for Klingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5dzs4/what_do_the_enterprise_toilet_paper_have_in_common/
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The Restaurant in Hell

You die, and in hell, you are sat at a restaurant. A small group of glutton demons come out with your food. They bring out the most juicy, delicious looking steak you have either seen, a 2-inch cut, said to have come from the finest of cow in all the multiverse. On the side are roast potatoes, the perfect level of crispness on them, as well as buttered carrots, a beautiful golden color.
You stare at the demons, all of them smiling, and you thank them sincerely, and say "Oh thank you, I always knew hell was a good place all along!" and all they do, is turn at you, and laugh, as a final, much larger glutton demon, steps out, and covers this amazing, delicious meal, fit for a king, with Ketchup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5dw6o/the_restaurant_in_hell/
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What do nerds and Creationists have in common?

They're offended by The Big Bang Theory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5dqiq/what_do_nerds_and_creationists_have_in_common/
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“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5dqg8/bro_you_want_this_pamphlet/
%
Breaking News: Mueller Report says Trump did not collude with the Russians.

Which makes sense, because the Russians actually fought the Nazis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5dp84/breaking_news_mueller_report_says_trump_did_not/
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A man had a girlfriend called Lorraine, but was cheating on her with a woman called Clearly.

Unfortunately, Lorraine got into a car accident and died. At the funeral, the man stood up and said 'I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5dlpp/a_man_had_a_girlfriend_called_lorraine_but_was/
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What do you call a snarky Russian king in a deep sinkhole?

A tsarchasm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5dk1i/what_do_you_call_a_snarky_russian_king_in_a_deep/
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Where does a horse go when it gets sick? The horsepital!

Lol, just kidding, it gets shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5dh6w/where_does_a_horse_go_when_it_gets_sick_the/
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What does a janitor say when he jumps out of the closet?

“SUPPLIES!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5dgbd/what_does_a_janitor_say_when_he_jumps_out_of_the/
%
Have you heard about the corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5d8kv/have_you_heard_about_the_corduroy_pillows/
%
What do Disneyland and Viagra have in common?

With both you wait a couple of hours for a two minute ride!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5d2se/what_do_disneyland_and_viagra_have_in_common/
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"What are you doing?" a man asked his osteopath

A man goes to visit his osteopath to ask about a pain he's feeling in his knee. He gets on the table and the osteopath sets to work massaging and stretching his muscles.
"That feels nice," the man says. "What are you doing?"
"Well," the osteopath says, "I'm working through all the tensions and problems in your life. This knot here is your marriage, this bump is your career and this tendon is your family."
"Really?" the man says. "You can solve all those problems just by doing this?"
"Nah," the osteopath says. "I'm just pulling your leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5d2ay/what_are_you_doing_a_man_asked_his_osteopath/
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What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5cy7b/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
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What do you call a show about two cokeheads with short term memory loss?

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5cvia/what_do_you_call_a_show_about_two_cokeheads_with/
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There’s a new movie called ‘constipation’

Unfortunately it hasn’t come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5cv35/theres_a_new_movie_called_constipation/
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What do you call Australian weebs?

Kangaruwus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ctyx/what_do_you_call_australian_weebs/
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Why did it take Moses 40 years to cross the desert?

He got paid by the hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5crua/why_did_it_take_moses_40_years_to_cross_the_desert/
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The world's most sarcastic man stands trial.

"How do you plead?" asks the judge.
"Well," says the man. "Usually on my knees with my hands together."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5cm0o/the_worlds_most_sarcastic_man_stands_trial/
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An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a porn channel and a fishing channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For God's Sake, Dave. leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5cbpo/an_elderly_married_couple_was_at_home_watching_tv/
%
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective

He always had a good hunch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5cas6/quasimodo_wouldve_been_a_great_detective/
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What do you call a pop star with huge nipples?

Areola grande

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5c8hr/what_do_you_call_a_pop_star_with_huge_nipples/
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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5c87r/after_fighting_some_crime_superman_wanted_to/
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Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5c665/masturbation_may_help_prevent_the_common_cold/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5c4y8/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
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I'm very appalled by holocaust jokes.

They are of poor taste and aren't funny.
My own grandfather died in a concentration camp.
The poor fellow, god bless his soul, went to get some food and accidentally fell down from his watchtower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5c3r8/im_very_appalled_by_holocaust_jokes/
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Is my Thai girlfriend a trap?

Something deep inside me says yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5c2tb/is_my_thai_girlfriend_a_trap/
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To the person who lost the stack of dollar bills

I have your rubberband

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5c2l6/to_the_person_who_lost_the_stack_of_dollar_bills/
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A little wave

Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.
“What’s this?” asked the skipper, “It looks as if someone is drowning!”
“No,” explained his crew, “It’s just a little wave.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5c2hh/a_little_wave/
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Did you hear about the suicide bomber with ADHD?

His brain was everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5c0wp/did_you_hear_about_the_suicide_bomber_with_adhd/
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A man finds a genie in a bottle…

Naturally, he was granted 3 wishes. But this was no ordinary ‘Genie In A Bottle’ - his requirements are that whatever the beholder wishes for, his mother-in-law got double. Although he despised his mother-in-law (and likewise with her feelings towards him), he knew made the best of this situation.
His first wish was for 10 million dollars. The genie granted his wish, and his mother-in-law got double that.
His second wish was for health, vitality, and long life. The genie granted his wish and his mother-in-law was granted double that, almost reversing her age
The mother-in-law was now grinning from ear to ear, ever so snide, relishing in her son-in-law's predicament.
Now, the man got to thinking about what he could wish for, that would not benefit his mother-in-law. What could wish for that would make him absolutely happy and cause quite the opposite for his now entitled mother-in-law? He thought long and hard and finally came to a decision for his third wish:
“Genie, I wish that you would beat me half to death!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5c0te/a_man_finds_a_genie_in_a_bottle/
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Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place
to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as
Doug slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper route!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5c0sv/doug_pender_lived_all_his_life_in_the_florida/
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Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5bvob/hippos_can_run_faster_than_humans_on_land_and/
%
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:
“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5bslm/two_english_tourists_were_driving_through_walesat/
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During WW2 the allies capture a german general a Japanese general and an italian general.

They take the German general first, they take him and tie his hands behind his back. "I'm never gonna talk" he says "we'll see" says the torturers. After six hours of torture the german general confesses everything he knows. They then throw him back into the cell and take the Japanese general and tie his hands behind his back and he says "I will never talk" the torturers say "We'll see". After another six hours of torture the Japanese general confesses everything he knows. They throw him back into the cell and take the italian general. They tie his hands behind his back and the Italian says "I'll never talk" the torturers again say "We'll see" after six hours of torture the italian general still doesn't talk so they throw hin back into the cell saying "You'll talk tomorrow"
The german and the Japanese generals are impressed and ask "How did you do it, how did you not talk?" The Italian then responds "how am I supposed to talk with my hands tied behind my back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5bgu6/during_ww2_the_allies_capture_a_german_general_a/
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Statistics say the in relationships, 1 out of every 3 people is unfaithful

Now I just need to figure out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5bdod/statistics_say_the_in_relationships_1_out_of/
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A Grasshopper walks into a bar...

He sits down and the bartender looks at him and says: “Hey! Ya know, we have a drink named after you?!” The Grasshopper replies: “You have a drink named Larry?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5bcfv/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5b97s/what_do_you_call_a_witch_that_only_eats_sand/
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Two years ago my doctor told me I'm going deaf

I haven't heard back from him since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5b94y/two_years_ago_my_doctor_told_me_im_going_deaf/
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I saw an add for burial plots

And thought this is the last thing I need

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5b62g/i_saw_an_add_for_burial_plots/
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How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5b02f/how_warm_is_a_janitors_closet/
%
Which side of a chicken has more feathers?

The outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5axuf/which_side_of_a_chicken_has_more_feathers/
%
I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5axgz/i_found_this_great_new_dieting_plan_thats_sure_to/
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A guy in a plane stood up & shouted: “HIJACK!”

All passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back “HI JOHN”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5axdm/a_guy_in_a_plane_stood_up_shouted_hijack/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Approximately -0.8959441702

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5ax0m/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
What do DJs call their puppies?

Subwoofers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5awro/what_do_djs_call_their_puppies/
%
Took my wife Mary out to a fancy restaurant last night. I had the filet mignon...

Mary had a little lamb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5av5g/took_my_wife_mary_out_to_a_fancy_restaurant_last/
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A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5au10/a_guy_sits_down_in_a_diner_and_asks_for_a_bowl_of/
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When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!"

But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!"
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5atg5/when_a_lady_is_pregnant_all_her_friends_touch_her/
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Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5apf3/funny_that_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_tons_of_girls/
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What do you call it when everyone at your job is sick...

A staff infection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5aons/what_do_you_call_it_when_everyone_at_your_job_is/
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A man has a 25 inch long penis

And he thinks it is way too big, and he looks for ways to make it smaller. One day, he finds out about a witch in the woods who can solve his problem.
When he went to the witch, she told him to look for a frog by the stream and ask the frog to have sex with him. The frog will say no, and his penis will shrink by five inches.
He goes to the frog, and asks him, "will you have sex with me?" The frog said "no!" and his penis shrunk by five inches.
He thought this was great and asked again, "will you have sex with me?" The frog again said "no!" and his penis shrunk by five inches.
The man was very pleased and thought his penis was still a little too big. He decided to ask the frog one last time, "will you have sex with me?"
"How many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5anyt/a_man_has_a_25_inch_long_penis/
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One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.
Dave, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Dave responded, 'Your name came up seven times.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5am0r/one_monday_morning_the_postman_was_walking/
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Cocaine

I thought that might crack you up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5a8yb/cocaine/
%
What did Dave Grohl say when someone stole his Greek food?

There goes my gyyyroooo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5a6dk/what_did_dave_grohl_say_when_someone_stole_his/
%
Mussolini: Bro how do i turn my iPhone off?

Hitler: Dude just use the Auff-Switch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5a4ju/mussolini_bro_how_do_i_turn_my_iphone_off/
%
Women: You never take me out to dinner

=Sorry, but i don't go out with married women.
-But, i am your wife
=Sorry no exceptions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5a3im/women_you_never_take_me_out_to_dinner/
%
What does antivaxxer kids and Jehovahs Witnesses have in common?

They don't have birthdays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5a305/what_does_antivaxxer_kids_and_jehovahs_witnesses/
%
Yo mama so fat and so old

When god said let there be light, he told her to move out of the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5a10s/yo_mama_so_fat_and_so_old/
%
What do you call closed captioning for a porno?

Subtitties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5a0r4/what_do_you_call_closed_captioning_for_a_porno/
%
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b59wqy/a_man_boarded_an_airplane_and_took_his_seat_as_he/
%
A man's life is incomplete until marriage.

Then he's finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b59vdy/a_mans_life_is_incomplete_until_marriage/
%
So they made a documentary on Netflix about Madeline McCann....

8 episodes, roughly 8 hours, and if you watched it you watched her more than her parents did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b59tdd/so_they_made_a_documentary_on_netflix_about/
%
Poop jokes are not my favorite...

But they’re a solid #2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b59sv1/poop_jokes_are_not_my_favorite/
%
I've started a boat business in my attic.

Sails are going through the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b59sr9/ive_started_a_boat_business_in_my_attic/
%
Backseat drivers really are the worst, aren't they?

Always saying stuff like "please let me go" and "I won't tell anyone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b59rv1/backseat_drivers_really_are_the_worst_arent_they/
%
What did the right eye say to the left eye.

Between you and me, Something smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b59q8n/what_did_the_right_eye_say_to_the_left_eye/
%
A pornstar came home after a long day at work and said,

“Today’s been a real pain in my ass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b59p40/a_pornstar_came_home_after_a_long_day_at_work_and/
%
What do you call a group of racist shellfish?

The Ku Klux Klams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b596rt/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_racist_shellfish/
%
Mary's boyfriend called Mary on her birthday...

Mary - m  boyfriend - b
b: hey honey
m: hey
b:do you remember that mall we went to last month?
m : yes?
b : and you saw a jewelry shop there?
m : yes?
b : and you really wanted that ring?
m (starting to get a bit exited) : yes?
b : but we didn't get it cause we couldn't afford it back then?
m (getting really exited) : yes?
b : well, there's a MacDonald's in front of it, you want some nuggets?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5919n/marys_boyfriend_called_mary_on_her_birthday/
%
Why are charming pirates always the richest?

Because they get all the booty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b58z5r/why_are_charming_pirates_always_the_richest/
%
A guy on the street stopped me to give me a flier on anger management.

I lost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b58x9e/a_guy_on_the_street_stopped_me_to_give_me_a_flier/
%
Why did the white supremacist start a baking company?

Because his family had a long history of being in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b58rte/why_did_the_white_supremacist_start_a_baking/
%
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop wanking.

I asked, "Why?"
She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b58qtx/i_went_to_see_the_nurse_this_morning_for_my/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because road was a wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b58qs5/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Marie is a devout Christian

She gets married and, in the next years, has 12 kids. Shortly after her last child is born, her husband dies. A few months later she remarries and, over the following years, has another 15 kids. However, like her first husband, her second husband dies after her last child is born.
Refusing to be discouraged, Marie finds another man and, within a month, gets married again. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake the priest looks tenderly at Marie, then up at the heavens and says “Finally! At last they’re finally together!”
A person standing next to the priest asks, “Excuse me, but do you mean Marie and her first husband? Or Marie and her second husband? Or Marie and-“
The priest interrupts. “I mean her legs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b58puf/marie_is_a_devout_christian/
%
Heard this from a Navy officer on shore leave.

A Commodore in the Navy found himself wrongly accused of trading secrets with the enemy, so he bluffed his way onto a docked submarine and ordered it out to sea so he could wait out the inquest in peace.
His superiors caught wind of this and ordered a nearby friendly destroyer to go to his position and talk with the Commodore to stop his madness.
When the destroyer arrived, there were brief negotiations between it's Captain and the Commodore, followed by the surprise and immediate blowing-up of the submarine.
When the Captain was questioned about his actions, he replied "He outranks me; who the hell am I to disobey the man when he demands we drop the charges?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b58ig7/heard_this_from_a_navy_officer_on_shore_leave/
%
I was wandering through the cemetery earlier today when I saw a guy kneeling behind a gravestone

Trying to be polite, I said “Morning.”
To which he replied “Nope just taking a shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b585z5/i_was_wandering_through_the_cemetery_earlier/
%
Batman does not like stealing or cheating.

I bet he also doesn’t like Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b584eu/batman_does_not_like_stealing_or_cheating/
%
A man insults the Tsar.

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of *lese majeste* (insulting the monarch).
He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!".
The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Tsar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5801m/a_man_insults_the_tsar/
%
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57x53/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_for_my_number/
%
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57w35/this_morning_my_wife_was_in_the_kitchen_preparing/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar.

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57qof/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk/
%
Two female parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
“What do they say?" the priest inquired.
“They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.
“That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
“Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.  As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.  Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence.  Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57o2w/two_female_parrots/
%
I'm pretty sober.

But I'm prettier drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57m6r/im_pretty_sober/
%
My black friend said he doesn't watch the tv show "Friends," because it's racist.

How can it be racist though when it doesn't even have black people in it?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57l7a/my_black_friend_said_he_doesnt_watch_the_tv_show/
%
If you're towing a speedboat...

...are you pulling a fast one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57jqn/if_youre_towing_a_speedboat/
%
I told my rich lesbian neighbors that for my birthday gift, I wanna watch

They said "who the hell are you? Get out of here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57jqj/i_told_my_rich_lesbian_neighbors_that_for_my/
%
Celebration

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57j7i/celebration/
%
Today at the bank, an elderly lady asked me to help her check her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57ikx/today_at_the_bank_an_elderly_lady_asked_me_to/
%
Q: What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?

A: Hey y'all... Watch this!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57had/q_whats_the_last_thing_you_usually_hear_before_a/
%
A man walks right past a bar..

Wait! Where are you going? I need you for the joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57fmf/a_man_walks_right_past_a_bar/
%
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57eby/how_many_brexiteers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
My girlfriend recently asked me if she was the only one I’d ever been with

but honesty she’s at least a three or four and she really shouldn’t put herself down like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57896/my_girlfriend_recently_asked_me_if_she_was_the/
%
A few guys grew some weed

A group of friends decided to experiment with growing weed one day. It proved to be a success and they were very proud of their work.
However, one member of the group decided to take all the credit for himself. This was foolish as it was obviously a joint effort...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b57879/a_few_guys_grew_some_weed/
%
My rich lesbian neighbour couple gifted me a Rolex on my Birthday.

I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b577b0/my_rich_lesbian_neighbour_couple_gifted_me_a/
%
I never thought my dad ad would steal from his job as a road worker...

but when I got home I found all the signs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5770c/i_never_thought_my_dad_ad_would_steal_from_his/
%
What do you call it when Gordon Ramsay has unprotected sex?

IT’S FUCKING RAW!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b576i4/what_do_you_call_it_when_gordon_ramsay_has/
%
Just one.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5753l/just_one/
%
What do LGBT people drink?

Gender Fluid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b56zqa/what_do_lgbt_people_drink/
%
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.

You can hide, but you can’t run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b56mj2/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_that_stole_my_camo/
%
There was a friend of mine who always spoke to his shoes.

They had plenty of Converse-ations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b56j4y/there_was_a_friend_of_mine_who_always_spoke_to/
%
Waiter: "What'll it be?"

Diner: "I'll have the chameleon."
Waiter: "That's not on the menu."
Diner: "How can you be sure?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b56hf6/waiter_whatll_it_be/
%
Who invented the round table?

Sir Cumference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b56c00/who_invented_the_round_table/
%
One boy tell the other: "There is an easy way to get what you want"

The other boy said, "How?"
"Tell people you know their secret"
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"
The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10"
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"
The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15"
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!"
The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b56bt9/one_boy_tell_the_other_there_is_an_easy_way_to/
%
What did the people of Venezuela use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5686w/what_did_the_people_of_venezuela_use_to_light/
%
What did Hitler say when he realised that the war was lost?

“I did Nazi that coming”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b563a4/what_did_hitler_say_when_he_realised_that_the_war/
%
I woke up today to a ...

I woke up today to a blowjob.
That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b561f8/i_woke_up_today_to_a/
%
i bought a penis enlargement treatment on Amazon

just haven't figured out how the magnifying glass is supposed to help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b55tdp/i_bought_a_penis_enlargement_treatment_on_amazon/
%
What's the difference between a picture of jesus and the real jesus?

The picture only took one nail to hang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b55syq/whats_the_difference_between_a_picture_of_jesus/
%
My friend David lost his ID.

Now he's just Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b55so8/my_friend_david_lost_his_id/
%
What do you get when you cross clickbait with a

rhetorical question?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b55qfj/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_clickbait_with_a/
%
Whats sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b55qdn/whats_sits_at_the_bottom_of_the_sea_and_twitches/
%
Cow jokes, if you're in the mooOoood....

What do you call a cow with two short legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why did  the cow get an award?
It was out standing in the field.
What do you call a cow after an abortion?
Decalfeinated.
Some people have a beef with that last one.  But remember: cow jokes are rare, never well done - and thats no bull!
Also remember that to err is human, but to forgive is bovine.  And that's the udder truth.
Ok, these may be grazing close to bad taste.  Making you curdle inside?  Too cheesy?  Should they be put out to pasture?
Herdly.
I have to milk it for all it's worth. I think they're grade A.
If you're groaning too much, remember: you have to read them 4 times to stomach them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b55pki/cow_jokes_if_youre_in_the_mooooood/
%
Engines are like jokes.

They only work if the timing is right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b55ll5/engines_are_like_jokes/
%
Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b55h6p/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They’re both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b55etm/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
I asked my parents if they would listen to a joke

They said: of course honey, we love you no matter what.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b55e4j/i_asked_my_parents_if_they_would_listen_to_a_joke/
%
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b55cne/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
Why is it difficult for alcoholics to become lawyers?

It’s hard for them to pass the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5585e/why_is_it_difficult_for_alcoholics_to_become/
%
*Knock-Knock*

“Who’s there?!”
“It’s Dave!”
“Dave who?”
*Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother’s Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers who he is.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b557uj/knockknock/
%
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b553gd/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
Why can’t dinosaurs clap

Because they are dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b552qy/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
One of my friends told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b54yas/one_of_my_friends_told_me_that_i_often_make/
%
why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b54xez/why_dont_scientists_trust_atoms/
%
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my father"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b54sj1/if_you_had_a_dollar_quizzed_the_teacher_and_you/
%
What do you call a stupid vampire?

Can’t count Dracula

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b54owe/what_do_you_call_a_stupid_vampire/
%
Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b54m4r/everyone_debates_butts_vs_boobs_but_nothing_beats/
%
Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot. You can always catch a cold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b54g01/which_is_faster_hot_or_cold/
%
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to the family.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed pretty upset.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b54dv7/i_brought_my_girlfriend_home_and_introduced_her/
%
My friend says to me: “what rhymes with orange”

I say: “no it doesn’t”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5442e/my_friend_says_to_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
Did you hear?! They’re putting the Poo emoji on a stamp!

Finally! Shitpost!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b53u3g/did_you_hear_theyre_putting_the_poo_emoji_on_a/
%
What does Batman say when he fails his mission?

Gotham it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b53qzh/what_does_batman_say_when_he_fails_his_mission/
%
Three tampons are walking down the street. One super large, one standard and one ultra slim. Which one stops to say hello first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b53fnf/three_tampons_are_walking_down_the_street_one/
%
I just watched a reality show about flat earthers trying to find the edge of the world, and was a little disappointed.

The finale wasn’t a cliffhanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b538na/i_just_watched_a_reality_show_about_flat_earthers/
%
Anything can be joked about

All that matters is the delivery.
Unless it’s an abortion joke, then there is no delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5383f/anything_can_be_joked_about/
%
What did the bus driver say to the one-legged man?

Hop on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b537id/what_did_the_bus_driver_say_to_the_onelegged_man/
%
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused.
He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5358y/several_years_ago_andy_was_sentenced_to_prison/
%
I just made up a really good fencing joke!



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b52usq/i_just_made_up_a_really_good_fencing_joke/
%
I keep asking what LBGTQ stands for....

I never get a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b52qcd/i_keep_asking_what_lbgtq_stands_for/
%
A beautiful young blonde boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.

She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats.  Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.  The flight attendant checks her tickets and tells the woman that her seat is in economy.
The blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde, and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem.  The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy.  Again the blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde, and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to New York.”  The captain doesn’t want to cause a commotion, and so he returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem.  He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde’s ear.  She immediately gets up, says “Thank you so much,” hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in economy.  The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he said to the blonde.  He replies, “I just told her that the first class section isn’t going to New York,”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b52p9k/a_beautiful_young_blonde_boards_a_plane_to_new/
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Just got banned from B&Q

Some guy in an orange apron came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking, lucky I got the first punch in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b52o43/just_got_banned_from_bq/
%
A man walks up to the store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b52k2p/a_man_walks_up_to_the_store_clerk_and_asks_in/
%
I year ago my doctor told me I was going deaf

I haven’t heard back from him since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b52hpo/i_year_ago_my_doctor_told_me_i_was_going_deaf/
%
What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b52ezu/whats_the_best_part_about_gardening/
%
Do you know why dogs lick their genitals?

Because they can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5285d/do_you_know_why_dogs_lick_their_genitals/
%
The doctor hands a new father his baby and says to him, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it".

The man hands back the baby to the doctor and says, "go get the one my wife made".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b524i1/the_doctor_hands_a_new_father_his_baby_and_says/
%
Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b524eh/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
What would you get if you shove some ice cubes in your asshole?

Some cool shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b52302/what_would_you_get_if_you_shove_some_ice_cubes_in/
%
I was making chicken noises in class

Got a detention for using fowl language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b51zeg/i_was_making_chicken_noises_in_class/
%
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b51two/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_knows_where_her/
%
A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.

The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
The Higgs-boson particle says
"But you can't have mass without me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b51qr3/a_higgsboson_particle_goes_into_a_church/
%
Doctor : Relax, its perfectly normal to get an erection during a prostate exam.

Patient :  Ummm..... But doc, i dont have an erection.
Doctor : I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b51mfa/doctor_relax_its_perfectly_normal_to_get_an/
%
I went to see the doctor about my penis

When I arrived at the doctors office I explained to the girl at the front desk that I would like to see a doctor regarding my penis.
'It can't be very long, please take a seat' she replied.
How dare she assume such a thing! I began to storm off to the waiting area as I hear her whisper to her colleague 'God, what a dick!'
That's more like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b51lvt/i_went_to_see_the_doctor_about_my_penis/
%
Have you seen the new brooms at Quality Quidditch Supplies?

They're flying off the shelves!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b51iix/have_you_seen_the_new_brooms_at_quality_quidditch/
%
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b51fsh/what_is_the_difference_between_acne_and_a/
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What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF File.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b51ey9/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_up_his/
%
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b51e8i/what_does_tofu_and_a_dildo_have_in_common/
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A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven

The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can’t find the priest’s name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. “I’ve preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I’ve baptized children and converted many to the church! I’ve lived a holy life!”
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
“When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b518ru/a_priest_dies_and_goes_to_the_gates_of_heaven/
%
What cheese lives in a small house?

Cottage cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5134u/what_cheese_lives_in_a_small_house/
%
Landlord: That Spanish actor out of Skyfall was kicking off in my pub the other night.

Customer: Javier Bardem?
Landlord: No, but he IS on his final warning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5130x/landlord_that_spanish_actor_out_of_skyfall_was/
%
What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

# HAND EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b511fk/what_is_whitney_houstons_favourite_type_of/
%
Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.

So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"
Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.  Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "notice anything different now?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Robert, what's different?  It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Robert yelled, "and do you know why it's hanging down, Margaret?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"It's hanging down, because it's looking at my new boots!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "should have bought a hat, Robert!  Should have bought a hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b51135/robert_age_80_always_wanted_a_pair_of_authentic/
%
What do you call a fascist mathematician?

Fibonazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5107o/what_do_you_call_a_fascist_mathematician/
%
What cheese is made backwards?

Edam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b50yks/what_cheese_is_made_backwards/
%
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted  for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant  federal investigation from day one.
Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b50u1t/trump_said_in_his_campaign_that_if_i_voted_for/
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I hate it how when a girl shows her ass she gets thousand of views on Snapchat...

but when I do it, I get banned from Walmart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b50sfa/i_hate_it_how_when_a_girl_shows_her_ass_she_gets/
%
What is Michael Jackson’s preferred pronoun?

Hee hee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b50r28/what_is_michael_jacksons_preferred_pronoun/
%
I got a sweater for my birthday!

I really wanted a moaner...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b50m2n/i_got_a_sweater_for_my_birthday/
%
[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.
I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b50i52/serious_just_a_reminder_to_be_careful_when/
%
A bar walks into a man.

Ah, fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b5035t/a_bar_walks_into_a_man/
%
My depressed roommate is into autoerotic asphyxiation

Every time I see a noose around his head, I don't know if he's coming or going

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b501e4/my_depressed_roommate_is_into_autoerotic/
%
I asked a cannibal, "What do elderly people taste like?"

He said "Depends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4zxzv/i_asked_a_cannibal_what_do_elderly_people_taste/
%
What is the difference between a nun praying and a nun in the bath?

Ones got hope in her soul, the others got soap in her hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4zwz8/what_is_the_difference_between_a_nun_praying_and/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4znbx/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure...

That is until my friend found out I was digging through his wife’s junk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4zlhw/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
What do you call pants on fire?

Hot pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4zitt/what_do_you_call_pants_on_fire/
%
My friend told me to stop singing I’m a believer because she thought it was annoying and I laughed because I though she was kidding

But then I saw her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4zigz/my_friend_told_me_to_stop_singing_im_a_believer/
%
What do you call a psychic midget breaking out of jail?

A small medium at large.                                                                 A friend told me this please don’t get mad if it’s already been done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4zi83/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_breaking_out_of/
%
Two Cannibals Are Talking

Two cannibals are talking to each other.
Hey, you remember that person we ate a couple weeks ago, the one that tasted so good?
Yes, it’s still flesh in my memory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4zez7/two_cannibals_are_talking/
%
What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4zdh4/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4z7zk/why_did_the_cattle_rancher_give_up_his_small/
%
Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?

They just, like, literally can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4z4dh/why_do_white_teenage_girls_always_hang_out_in/
%
I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4z0tu/i_was_walking_home_last_night_and_decided_to_take/
%
A Scientist was doing a research test on frogs

He put it on the counter cut off a leg and yelled "JUMP FROG JUMP!" Then the frog jumped.
So he cut off another leg and yelled the same thing and the frog jumped.
So he cut off yet another leg and then again yelled"JUMP FROG JUMP!" and the frog jumped
So he cut off the final leg and yelled "JUMP FROG JUMP" but the frog didn't jump so he tried again "JUMP FROG JUMP!" But it didn't jump so he put in his research notes "when you cut off all of a frogs legs it becomes deaf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4z09k/a_scientist_was_doing_a_research_test_on_frogs/
%
What did the Chinese, anti-imperialist cat say?

Mao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4yz9o/what_did_the_chinese_antiimperialist_cat_say/
%
What's the difference between jelly and jam?

You can't jelly a jam jar up your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4yujm/whats_the_difference_between_jelly_and_jam/
%
What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite scary movie?

Get out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ysbb/whats_gordon_ramseys_favorite_scary_movie/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4yqkf/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4yphr/why_do_cows_have_bells/
%
Why was the six afraid of the seven?

Approximately 0.3583.
Or cos(789)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4yn4h/why_was_the_six_afraid_of_the_seven/
%
I went to an ocean themed party

It was a whale of a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ylkk/i_went_to_an_ocean_themed_party/
%
My two Mexican friends decided to see who's the best at basketball

They played Juan on Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ylb6/my_two_mexican_friends_decided_to_see_whos_the/
%
What did the hungry clock do?

It went back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4yfnw/what_did_the_hungry_clock_do/
%
What do you call a passage way in India?

Currydoor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ycms/what_do_you_call_a_passage_way_in_india/
%
The grammarian was very logical.

He had a lot of comma sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4yaa1/the_grammarian_was_very_logical/
%
Why don’t Americans spell “color” like “colour?”

It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don’t need u.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4y98w/why_dont_americans_spell_color_like_colour/
%
I like my girlfriend like I like my will to live

Non existent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4y699/i_like_my_girlfriend_like_i_like_my_will_to_live/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Everything is fine. He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4y3k3/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
%
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin

Now he is quite Baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4y121/a_classical_musician_bought_a_stradivari_violin/
%
A piece of string walk into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'
The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he says to one of the girls, would you tie a knot in me?' This she does. 'Please,' the piece of string says to the other girl,'would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?' so the girl obliges.
'Thank you' says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again.
The barman looks at him quizzically and says 'aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?'
'No' came the answer, 'I'm a frayed knot.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xzuh/a_piece_of_string_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Doctor can you cure my insomnia?

“Of course, we just have to get rid of the root cause!”
“Won’t be easy, the wife’s grown quite fond of that fucking baby”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xxdr/doctor_can_you_cure_my_insomnia/
%
If money is the root of all evil.

Why do churches ask for it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xwrx/if_money_is_the_root_of_all_evil/
%
Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down

The bartender comes over and asks them what they want to drink
1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood
2nd Vampire: I want a double shot
3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water
So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused.
He asks the 3rd vampire why he only ordered hot water. The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies “I'm making tea.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xtq4/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar_and_sit_down/
%
A Turk, an American and a Russian are going on a space mission.

They’ll have to stay for a year and observe various space anomalies.
Before they go, they are given the right of picking a stock of something they like for keeping their morale up.
Russian goes for Vodka and he gets 30 bottles of Smirnoff.
American wants some bacon, it’s granted.
And finally our Turk gets 5 cartons of fine quality cigarettes.
Days pass and finally the mission is over, after a glorious landing, astronauts are finally on the deck.
Russian blacks out because of alcohol poisoning and immediately gets medical attention, an ambulance drives him away.
The American collapses, because of his unhealthy choice of treat and he too, is immediately given medical attention.
And now, everybody’s eyes are on The Turk, people got very curious and still waiting.
After a couple of minutes of waiting, he rushes out of the rocket, with bloodshed eyes and an unlit cigarette in his mouth, he cries out:
“For fucks sake, give me a lighter!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xtit/a_turk_an_american_and_a_russian_are_going_on_a/
%
Why do kids at Catholic schools learn sex ed faster?

Because their lessons are more hands-on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xscv/why_do_kids_at_catholic_schools_learn_sex_ed/
%
A man and his wife doing 69 and when they finish up he realises he still has to go to the dentist.

He then dashes to the bathroom to go and brush his teeth, constantly smelling his breath to make sure his breath doesn’t smell like his wife’s pussy. He eats some chewing gum and even takes mints with him. He arrives at the dentist and eats some more mints just to make sure.
He’s finally called in and the dentist has him lying down on the chair, asks him to open his mouth wide. As he leans in to work, the dentist says, “damn, have you being doing the 69 before you came in?”
The man replied, “how did you know? Is my breath stinking of pussy?”
The dentist said, “no, you have a skid mark on your forehead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xpol/a_man_and_his_wife_doing_69_and_when_they_finish/
%
I got the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' mixed up

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xnff/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_mixed_up/
%
Yesterday at the office, I broke 6 ribs...

That asshole had it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xlby/yesterday_at_the_office_i_broke_6_ribs/
%
What do you call a male zebra?

A zebro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xi6q/what_do_you_call_a_male_zebra/
%
When my girlfriend told me she has an abduction fetish, I thought she was kidding.

But she demands to be taken, seriously!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xgsy/when_my_girlfriend_told_me_she_has_an_abduction/
%
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job...

...so they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xg2z/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
%
Name A Scam

My Parents : If you tell us the truth we  wont get Angry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xe2f/name_a_scam/
%
So there was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xc0k/so_there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_trains/
%
Knock knock

"Who's there?"
"It's three."
"Three who?"
"Three am."
"Oh ok, I'll stop drumming. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xc03/knock_knock/
%
What’s a Mexican’s favourite video game?

Borderlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4xa37/whats_a_mexicans_favourite_video_game/
%
Echos are really just audible reposts...

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4x93w/echos_are_really_just_audible_reposts/
%
Teacher: "whoever answers my next question can go home."

One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: "who just threw that?"
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4x7un/teacher_whoever_answers_my_next_question_can_go/
%
A man once entered an asylum

The patients kept jumping shouting"we are popcorn! we are popcorn!" Except for one guy who was sitting quietly in a corner so the man thought that he is the only sane person here and asked him "why don't you jump,shout like your mates?" The guy replied "please leave me alone i stuck to the cooking pot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4x6qu/a_man_once_entered_an_asylum/
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Success is like pregnancy

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows  how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4x3p9/success_is_like_pregnancy/
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Top 10 electrical curcuits you shouldn't touch

Number 6 will shock you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4x3pd/top_10_electrical_curcuits_you_shouldnt_touch/
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What type of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4x3of/what_type_of_wood_doesnt_float/
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What monster are miners scared of?

The canary wolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4x3m0/what_monster_are_miners_scared_of/
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What's the difference between a peeping tom and a thief?

The thief snatches watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4x313/whats_the_difference_between_a_peeping_tom_and_a/
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How do dogs always know who is barking?

They have collar ID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4x0sl/how_do_dogs_always_know_who_is_barking/
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The Pillsbury Dough Boy has died...

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4wtxv/the_pillsbury_dough_boy_has_died/
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Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.

Ive never worked so hard before in my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4wt2q/recently_got_a_second_job_as_a_bartender_at_a/
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Why should you cook kale in coconut oil?

Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4wsy4/why_should_you_cook_kale_in_coconut_oil/
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My mate asked me to untangle his earphones but I messed them up even more.

I was knot helping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4wqlb/my_mate_asked_me_to_untangle_his_earphones_but_i/
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How do you ruin a good joke's punchline?

You repost it hundreds of times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4wq80/how_do_you_ruin_a_good_jokes_punchline/
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What happened to the naughty wire?

It was grounded...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4wq62/what_happened_to_the_naughty_wire/
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I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4wnji/i_bumped_into_an_old_school_friend_today/
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A man sitting in a bar has a revelation.

After a few drinks a man in a bar begins to think that his wife is cheating on him. He rushes home to his second story apartment and finds his wife in a sexy robe. Conviced that he caught her he starts searching throughout the apartment but cannot find anyone.
All of a sudden he hears a cry of help coming from the balcony. A man is hanging on the ledge dangling for his life. Furious as he is he drops a refrigerator on him. Out of sadness he kills himself due to the wife being unfaithful.
The next morning 3 men are sitting at a table with God discussing their lives. God asks them how they each died. The first says "I found out my wife was cheating on me so I killed myself". The next guy says "I fell from my third story apartment managed to grab the second story balcony but someone dropped a refrigerator on me". The third says "Get this, I'm naked in a refrigerator".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4wncx/a_man_sitting_in_a_bar_has_a_revelation/
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Everyone knows good ol' Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4wjpq/everyone_knows_good_ol_dave/
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Some of the jokes here are getting old

Unlike antivaxx children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4wh3m/some_of_the_jokes_here_are_getting_old/
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4weso/a_polish_immigrant_went_to_the_dmv_to_apply_for_a/
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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4w9ki/the_united_states_and_britain_are_having_a/
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Getting drunk is gay.

Getting drunk is gay because when your drunk you can’t think straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4w79h/getting_drunk_is_gay/
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It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology.

My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4w4je/its_a_lot_of_rubbish_when_people_talk_about_how/
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How is having sex with a hooker and Bungie Jumping similar?

They both cost around 100 dollars and if the rubber breaks you're screwed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4w11b/how_is_having_sex_with_a_hooker_and_bungie/
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Why can you always trust a vampire to practice safe sex?

They can't come inside without being invited!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4vzjp/why_can_you_always_trust_a_vampire_to_practice/
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I made a generator which created electricity through jokes that were confusing but funny regardless.

It created lots of gigglewhats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4vxoq/i_made_a_generator_which_created_electricity/
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What do you say to a flight attendant who's giving you sass?

Don't give me that altitude!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4vw5k/what_do_you_say_to_a_flight_attendant_whos_giving/
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Girl, you must be a savings account...

Because my interest is to compound you daily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4vvpe/girl_you_must_be_a_savings_account/
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A burglar breaks into a house...

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.
While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.
"Jesus is watching."
This startles the burglar, who quickly glances around with the flashlight but doesn't see or hear anything else. The burglar shrugs it off and continues.
"Jesus is watching." The voice states again, in a more warning tone.
The burglar shines his light in the direction of the voice and sees a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He asks.
"Yes." The parrot replies.
"What is your name?" Asks the burglar.
"Moses." Replies the parrot.
The burglar chuckles. "Who the hell names their parrot Moses?"
"The same guy that named his rottweiler Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4vv7l/a_burglar_breaks_into_a_house/
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A man leaves his bacon sandwich at home before going to work

He asks his wife to bring it to him. She didn’t, because it wasn’t her responsiBLT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4vulz/a_man_leaves_his_bacon_sandwich_at_home_before/
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For me, going to a home improvement store is like having sex.

It's all about DIY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4vuec/for_me_going_to_a_home_improvement_store_is_like/
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I saw my sister sobbing in her room, worried that her Philosophy degree might be worthless in today’s job market.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4vrzf/i_saw_my_sister_sobbing_in_her_room_worried_that/
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I used to be a necrophiliac once..

..til that rotten cunt split on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4vps2/i_used_to_be_a_necrophiliac_once/
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I enjoy looking at my poop.

Everytime I go to the bathroom to take a shit, I'd always remember to not flush immediately and look at my poop. I'd look at it's shape and color, and I'd admire every bit of it. I could not live without this process.
Then one time, I accidentally flushed after I pooped. I didn't even had the chance to look what it looked like. I was mad. I wanted to see the poop that I had took but now it's gone forever. I felt like I was going to have an emotional breakdown. I guess at that day...
I lost my shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4vocd/i_enjoy_looking_at_my_poop/
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom...

A teenage boy named Avery Won is is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom. First he goes to buy a suit, and thankfully there isn't a line at the store, so he buys the suit quickly.
Next, he goes to the florist to get some beautiful flowers for his girlfriend. Thankfully, the store is pretty empty, so there isn't a line, and he buys the flowers without delay.
Then, he goes to the limo rental to rent a luxurious Cadillac limo, just for him and his girlfriend. Miraculously, no one else is getting a limo, so the limo line is empty, and he easily manages to rent the limo.
Finally, the night of the prom arrives. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and sees a very long line of people. He looks back at his girlfriend for a moment, and suddenly, all the people waiting for the punch, see him and immediately start running towards him.
Avery Won did not see the punch line coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4vmpu/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
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Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the fucking boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4vhxd/why_do_scuba_divers_always_fall_backwards_out_of/
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My English teacher told me "your grammar is shit"

I replied "Yeah, well your grandad's a cunt".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4vhe8/my_english_teacher_told_me_your_grammar_is_shit/
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A naked woman robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4vceo/a_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank/
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A Man Finds A Suicidal Woman On A Cliff

The Woman Is Crying and is about to jump, when the man says:
"Wait! How about... you give me the last blowjob of your life?"
The Lady, Non-chalantely: "Sure! Life sucks anyways."
After ejaculating, the man, exhausted, asks:
"Hehe, nice work. Why did you wanna die anyway?"
"My parents disowned me because i dressed up as a girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4v7pp/a_man_finds_a_suicidal_woman_on_a_cliff/
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An undertaker is showing a trainee around the morgue in order to get him used to dead bodies.

“Here I have three deceased men, an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman.” Explained the undertaker showing the young trainee the dead Englishman.
“Why has he got such a big smile on his face?” asked the trainee.
“He died having sex with a beautiful woman” the old man replied.
Moving on to the Scotsman they uncovered the body to see it was smiling as well. Again the boy asked “why is this one smiling?”
“This man had a heart attack after winning the lottery” the old man explained.
Finally coming to the Irishman they uncovered the body to see another wide smile on the dead mans face.
“Why is this one smiling?” The trainee asked again.
“Well, this man was struck by lightning and thought he was having his picture taken.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4v7fg/an_undertaker_is_showing_a_trainee_around_the/
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For me, sex is only a game.

In single-player mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4v728/for_me_sex_is_only_a_game/
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Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.

Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4v2cn/scientists_transformed_a_tiger_into_a_horse/
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What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?

You’d think it’d be R, but ‘tis the C his heart truely belongs to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4v1rn/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
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Kentucky Three-Kick.

A man is out pheasant hunting and finds a trespasser hunting on his land. The trespasser has just shot a pheasant. After some heated discussion, the landowner says, "I'll tell you what. Let's play Kentucky Three-Kick. If you win,  you keep the bird". The trespasser asks. "What is Kentucky Three-Kick? I've never heard of that." The landowner replies, "I kick you 3 times, then you kick me 3 times, and so on. The one who gives up first loses"  The trespasser agrees. The landowner cranks up, and kicks him in the gut. He doubles over in pain. The landowner  kicks him in the head, and he straightens up. Finally, the landowner kicks him in the crotch, dropping him to the ground. After a while he manages to struggle to his feet. He takes a breath, and through clenched teeth says, "My turn!"  The landowner smiles and says, "Nah, I give up. You can keep the bird".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4uqp2/kentucky_threekick/
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Why dont you ever see penguins in Great Britain?

Because theyre scared of Wales

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4uocu/why_dont_you_ever_see_penguins_in_great_britain/
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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire ?

“Same time next month?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4umod/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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A man walks into a bar

and orders 4 glasses of beer after receiving them he drinks out of each until they are empty pays his bill and leaves, this goes on for about a week until
the bartender asks: why do you drink out of 4 glasses instead of one so it doesn’t go flat after we pour it?
The man responds: well I have 3 brothers that left to different states and we promised each other we would drink like this to remember how we drank when we were together
The bartender thinking that was a cool thing to do left him and his 4 drinks
2 days later the man comes into the bar and only orders 3 this time and the bartender notices and says: sorry for your loss you have my condolences
The man looks confused for a second before laughing and replying: oh my brothers are fine my wife just asked me to stop drinking, but that doesn’t affect my brothers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4uaaf/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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"Where there's a will, there's a way" is a great self motivational phrase

Until an inheritance is involved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ua4m/where_theres_a_will_theres_a_way_is_a_great_self/
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2 of my friends were arguing about who's house was the most expensive....

"Well, my house is worth 8 million dollars!" One of them said "Ha! Mine is worth 11 million!" The other said so I chimed in "You guys must be poor, my roof in itself is worth 200 million!"
Puzzled, they both asked me "Woah! Where do you even live? How can you afford all that?!" When I told them where I lived they were left dumbfounded. They just couldn't believe I lived under an overpass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4u9u7/2_of_my_friends_were_arguing_about_whos_house_was/
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A pirate walks into a bar

with a steering wheel stuck In between his legs
The bartender noticing this says: hey why do you have a steering wheel in between your legs?
The pirate replies: Yarr i don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4u52v/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4u52r/if_theres_a_bee_in_my_hand_whats_in_my_eye/
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During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.
“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”
“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.
He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches.
“See, British soldiers are the bravest.”
“That’s nothing” said the Russian General
“Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.”
“Da, Comrade General!”
The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl.
“Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.”
The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.”
He calls one of his men over.
“Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!”
Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says
“Go fuck yourself, General.”
“See! Now that takes some real balls!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4u3nm/during_ww2_three_generals_were_arguing_who_had/
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Einstein sits next to a man on a long flight.

Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The man agrees and the game proceeds.
Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”
The man doesn't say a word. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5. He then asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?”
Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question. After almost an hour, he gives the man $500.
An irritated Einstein then asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?”.
The man reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4u2yx/einstein_sits_next_to_a_man_on_a_long_flight/
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Magnificent Niagara

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was... "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that, etc. etc.' It eventually became very annoying.
I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "Magnificent Niagara", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water and Power".
While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes.
It was then I asked him, "Do you have anything like this in Texas?" He waited a moment before he answered, "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4u1or/magnificent_niagara/
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"If you Google lost medieval servant boy.

You get the message ‘Page cannot be found."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4tvf1/if_you_google_lost_medieval_servant_boy/
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Pretzels

Two pretzels walked through a sketchy alleyway
One was a salted
The other was knot
*edit: thanks punconscious for helping a little bit*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4tum7/pretzels/
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My friends wife left him last week..

She said she was going out for milk and never came back.
I asked him how he was coping.
he said,
"Not bad. I've been using some of that powdered stuff"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4tslq/my_friends_wife_left_him_last_week/
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What does my dad like to do on his spare time?

eh, beats me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4tnzs/what_does_my_dad_like_to_do_on_his_spare_time/
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Not so bright

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This kid is not so bright. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4tnv6/not_so_bright/
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What did the pirate say during cardiac arrest?

"Arrrrrhh me hearty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4tmpf/what_did_the_pirate_say_during_cardiac_arrest/
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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before...

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.  I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4tjes/a_man_went_to_the_police_station_wishing_to_speak/
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One day I will cure blindness for good

You'll see..... You'll ALL SEE!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4tj0q/one_day_i_will_cure_blindness_for_good/
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My teacher gave me a bad grade on my essay, she said the ending was “too unexpected”.

Guess I’ll never end it with the Spanish inquisition in that class ever again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4tiup/my_teacher_gave_me_a_bad_grade_on_my_essay_she/
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What do you get when you cross a hippopotamuses, an elephant, and a rhino?

A hellifiknow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4thks/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_hippopotamuses/
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What do you get if you combine a insomniac, a Agnostic with a Schizophrenic and a dyslexic?

A person who argues with himself all night about whether or not there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4tcwh/what_do_you_get_if_you_combine_a_insomniac_a/
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Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ta76/why_condoms_come_in_packs_of_3_6_and_12/
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What does an executioner drink?

A Decappuccino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4t3e2/what_does_an_executioner_drink/
%
Give a man plane tickets, and he flys for a day...

... but throw a man out of a plane, he flies for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4t2sn/give_a_man_plane_tickets_and_he_flys_for_a_day/
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An Irishman is going door to door in a suburban neighbourhood looking for work

He knocks on a ladies door and she asks him if he will paint her porch. Two hours later he knocks on her door and tells her that he's finished the job. She says "it doesn't look like you painted it" he replies " oh I painted the whole thing but I got to tell you lady it's not a porch it's a BMW"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4t146/an_irishman_is_going_door_to_door_in_a_suburban/
%
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna ride our bicycles?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4t0od/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Want to know another creepy coincidence?

Jack the Ripper, Vlad the Impaler, and Winnie the Pooh all share the same middle name. Stay safe, my friends!﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4sycz/want_to_know_another_creepy_coincidence/
%
The bible is 100% accurate

When thrown at a close range...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4stf1/the_bible_is_100_accurate/
%
Two guys and a girl were marooned on an island

They had everything but they needed sex, so they took turns with the girl every week.
One day, the girl died.
In the first week, the guys were fine.
In the second week, they were not fine and decided to consider alternatives.
In the third week, they threw the body away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4st98/two_guys_and_a_girl_were_marooned_on_an_island/
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My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4so0m/my_attractive_female_neighbor_is_completely/
%
What does the mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4sn23/what_does_the_mafia_and_a_pussy_have_in_common/
%
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.

There will be no coffin at his funeral...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4smcw/the_inventor_of_the_throat_lozenge_has_died/
%
What was the mans opinion on Nazis?

They're alt-right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4shan/what_was_the_mans_opinion_on_nazis/
%
2 onions fall in love and mate, they give birth to a beautiful son!

One day, they leave the front door open on accident and the young onion rolls out into the world.
While crossing the street, the poor onion child gets flattened in the road...
He is then rushed to the hospital, the father rolling around in the hall, extremely anxious to hear any news.
Finally after a long and grueling surgery, the doctor comes out, removed his mask, wipes the sweat from his brow and calls the father over.
“Well, tell me what will happen with my baby boy! Will he live?” The father begs
“Well calm down, he will live”, the doctor says,
“He will unfortunately be a vegetable for his entire life though.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4sff6/2_onions_fall_in_love_and_mate_they_give_birth_to/
%
What did our parents do when they were bored back in the days before the internet or video games?

I asked this question to my 24 brothers and sisters  too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4sewb/what_did_our_parents_do_when_they_were_bored_back/
%
A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her

Dad: That happens everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4sban/a_little_boy_says_dad_ive_heard_that_in_some/
%
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4s5v0/why_was_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
%
Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, [LONG])

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,
“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”
Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think so... But it is likely a mirage.  I am too weak, too hungry, too thirsty. I cannot make it regardless. I must lay down to die.”
Juan remains steadfast. “No my friend, hold on until your last breath, i will venture down, and see if it is real. This Oasis will save us!”
Pedro limply nods, and slumps to the hot sand, as Juan, finding some last reserve of energy sprawls down the sand dune towards salvation. After a few minutes, he has reached his destination. He yells out to his friend, elated.
“Pedro, it’s so beautiful! There is water! A clear pool of the clearest water I have ever seen! And... Oh my God Pedro, there is a beautiful tree!”
“A tree?”, croaks Pedro from atop the ridge.
“But this is no normal tree!”, exclaims Juan, “It is  bestowed with the most glorious array of porks! gammons, roast hams! My God Pedro! It’s incredible! It’s a BACON TREE!”
Pedro tears up, elated that he and his friend may get to continue their lives. “It’s a miracle Juan! A miracle from God himself! Please my friend, I do not have an ounce of energy left, please bring me some bacon from this glorious Bacon Tree!”
“Of course Pedro, of course!” Yells Juan with glee. He stands upright, spurred on by the miracle before him, and reaches out, eyeing the most succulent morsel from the Bacon Tree.
In an instant, the moment he touches it, a multitude of sub-machine-guns emerge from the branches  - and Juan is annihilated by a hail of gunfire to the chest.
He slumps to the floor, gargling, dying...
“Juan! What the fuck happened!?” Yells Pedro.
“Pedro, do not come any closer...!” Gargles Juan through his shattered esophagus. “This is no Bacon Tree... It’s a Ham-Bush!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4rzhc/pedro_and_juan_are_stranded_in_the_desert_my/
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Just ended a relationship that lasted 5 long years

Luckily it wasn’t mine though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ry7e/just_ended_a_relationship_that_lasted_5_long_years/
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Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4rwre/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Japanese man are the only survivors of a plane crash on a deserted Island...

The Englishmen takes charge and says, "Right, this is a desperate situation. I'll start making a fire, the Scotsman can start building a shelter, and the Japanese man can go back to the plane and find supplies."
Immediately the Japanese man goes running off back to the aircraft. The Scotsman starts fetching branches to erect a shelter. And after a few hours the Englishman has finally started a fire.
The Englishman and Scotsman are sitting around the fire a few hours later and there's no sign of the Japanese man. Concerned, they set about heading back to the aircraft.
When all of a sudden the Japanese man jumps out at them and shouts "SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4rsw4/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_a_japanese_man_are/
%
What does MARTYR stand for?

Well he isn’t standing for anyone anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4rq6e/what_does_martyr_stand_for/
%
My laptop's keyboard really works too hard...

It has two SHIFTS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4rpjw/my_laptops_keyboard_really_works_too_hard/
%
What do the laws of physics and the predsident of Russia have in common?

You can't choose them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4rpeo/what_do_the_laws_of_physics_and_the_predsident_of/
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I got super freaked out when I saw 2 dead bodies hanging in my closet

I was relieved when I remembered I had just installed a mirror in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4rh7f/i_got_super_freaked_out_when_i_saw_2_dead_bodies/
%
3 Men Get Stranded On An Island...

3 men get stranded on a desert island. After wandering around a while, they are found by some tribesmen. The natives take them back to their hut. The chief tells them, "Go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of fruit."
The first guy returns with 10 apples, and the chief says "Now shove them all up your ass without showing any emotion, or we'll kill you."
He shoves the the first up, and is in terrible pain, but shows no emotion, but during the process of pushing up the second, he flinches, and therefore gets shot.
The second guy comes back with 10 cherries, and gets told to do the same.
He's finding it relatively easy, but when he gets to the eighth, starts laughing hysterically, and gets shot.
He meets up with the first guy in heaven, and the first guy asks, "Why did you do that, why did you laugh?" and the second guy replies,
"Well I nearly finished when I saw the next guy walking up with pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4rgtq/3_men_get_stranded_on_an_island/
%
Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.
The first brother is the strongest.
"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.
"What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed.
"You see that mansion over there?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead."
"Wow!" his brothers say, "As expected, for you are the strongest."
The second brother to go is the oldest.
"Watch and learn, boys." He says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour.
Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood.
"What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed.
"You see that village over there?"
"Yeah?" They said.
"Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive."
"Wow!" His brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience."
The third brother is the fastest.
"Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it."
He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at *least* 200mph.
In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt.
"What happened?!" His brothers excalimed.
"You see that giant tree over there?"
"...yeah?"
"Well I sure fuckin' didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4rcul/three_vampire_brothers_decide_to_hold_a/
%
A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'adumb a--hole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4r9zp/a_coach_is_looking_after_a_young_ice_hockey_team/
%
A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.
Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.
"These birds are very special, the first one here on the right speaks three languages, knows a bunch of jokes, loves whisky and cubans. Always a heart of the company. We're selling him for $5 mil.
Second one on the left fluently speaks 10 languages, amazing conversationalist, good with kids and women. Believe it or not, but his lineage can be traced back all the way to a parrot owned by queen Elizabeth I, and trust me, these birds know how to pass an anecdote from generation to generation... so the stories he tells are out of this world! This one goes for $50 mil.
And finally the third one, here in a middle is the most special and expensive, we sell him for a $100 mil."
Intrigued, the guy exclaims: "He must be speaking 20 languages at least!"
"You know, this one doesn't talk at all, but those two call him a boss."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4r5je/a_wealthy_dude_walks_into_a_pet_store_for_people/
%
They call me Love Master

Because I suck at tennis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4r2z7/they_call_me_love_master/
%
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4qv3a/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
What did sushi A say to sushi B?

wasabi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4quxk/what_did_sushi_a_say_to_sushi_b/
%
an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian....

an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean
all go to a nightclub....
The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4qru0/an_andorran_an_angolan_an_antiguans_an_argentine/
%
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

You get a little over halfway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4qrbu/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_ocean/
%
Three contractors bid on a fence in front of the White House

hree contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC:
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third, is from
Florida . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well,' he says, 'I figure the job will run
about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100
profit for me.'
The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'
The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The New York contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we
hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how government contracting works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4qoap/three_contractors_bid_on_a_fence_in_front_of_the/
%
A farmer accidentally let his cows graze on his weed field

Dinner that night was high steaks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4qn6n/a_farmer_accidentally_let_his_cows_graze_on_his/
%
This happened at the Deli counter today...real life joke

Me (at the deli counter): I'd like some salami please, about a pound, sliced thin?
DeliGirl: Genoa salami?
Me: Yeah, I know a couple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4qmro/this_happened_at_the_deli_counter_todayreal_life/
%
A middle-class white woman goes to a beach, pulls out a mug and fills it with sea water.

She takes a large swig and sighs with relief as she gulps. A nearby beach-goer sees this.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm drinking tea," replied the woman.
"Tea?"
"Yes, tea."
"That's not tea!" said the beach-goer.
"I think you'll find that this is the strongest tea around."
The beach-goer was perplexed. "What the hell are you talking about?!"
"Well," said the woman, "ever since 1773 when the Americans threw the English's tea off the Boston harbour, the ocean has been one giant cup of tea! And like I said, it doesn't come stronger."
"What are you, an idiot?" asked the beach-goer.
"No, a homeopathist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4qlwx/a_middleclass_white_woman_goes_to_a_beach_pulls/
%
Why did the rubber go flying across the room?

It got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4qkvg/why_did_the_rubber_go_flying_across_the_room/
%
I’m 28, and my parents got really angry at me for acting like a flamingo all the time.

When they told me that, I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4qgr8/im_28_and_my_parents_got_really_angry_at_me_for/
%
Fugitives are so misunderstood

They just need to feel wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4qf9v/fugitives_are_so_misunderstood/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

"Beat it, we're closed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4qdez/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
The Manhattan Project was an urban development program

It was designed to make city populations explode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4qbsq/the_manhattan_project_was_an_urban_development/
%
I woke up this morning to my neighbors banging on my front door.

I was like "Why can't you two fuck in your house like normal people???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4q7kn/i_woke_up_this_morning_to_my_neighbors_banging_on/
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Headed to Arkansas

An old couple were taking a  trip when they pulled into a gas station.
The old man struck up a conversation with another stranger as he was filling up.
The stranger asks, "Where y'all from?
The old man's wife,, who is very hard of hearing, yells  "What did he say!!"
The old man yells back to her "He wants to know where we're from!!"
The old man tells the stranger that they are from Texas
The stranger asks "Texas? no kidding, where y'all headed?"
The old woman yells "What did he say!!?"
The old man yells back at her "He wants to know where we're headed!!"
The old man tells the stranger that they are headed to Arkansas
The stranger says "Arkansas?, no kidding. The worst piece of ass I ever had lived in Arkansas"
The old man's wife yells "What did he say??"
The old man replies "He said he knows you!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4q7dg/headed_to_arkansas/
%
A man dies and goes to hell

. Once he reaches hell he learns that people go to hell depending on how many people hated them. He knows this because he murdered many people and was voted to be executed. He sees someone next to his apartment and says,"Hi what did you do to deserve being here?" The man says,"I don't know but I just fixed people's fences as a living." Suddenly, the devil comes and says,"You reposted, and everyone hates reposters."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4q259/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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Constantine XI : Ships can't walk on lands

Mehmed II the Conqueror:  Hold my Kebab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4pz30/constantine_xi_ships_cant_walk_on_lands/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4py3h/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
I like making self deprecating jokes...

Because all my other ones suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4pxy9/i_like_making_self_deprecating_jokes/
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I just saw the Michael Jackson documentary

Didn’t realize how many kids were butt-hurt after leaving neverland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4px1w/i_just_saw_the_michael_jackson_documentary/
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You shouldn't call dwarves "little people"

It's belittling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4pwyf/you_shouldnt_call_dwarves_little_people/
%
My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.

I got such a fright I almost wet her panties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4pvhf/my_neighbour_banged_on_my_door_yesterday_asking/
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Why couldn't Medusa pass a drug test?

She was a stoner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4pudj/why_couldnt_medusa_pass_a_drug_test/
%
Why do they call it pepper spray?

It goes well with assalt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4pryk/why_do_they_call_it_pepper_spray/
%
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion today?

De-Brie was everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4pqdr/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_explosion/
%
Russian roulette

five out of six scientists claim that playing russian roulette its absolutely safe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4pozp/russian_roulette/
%
What do you call a Jewish bread that the Black Panther bakes for Thor's party?

T'calla's challah for the Val'Halla gala.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4pllk/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_bread_that_the_black/
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Whats the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

You can drop her off wherever you want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4pkk9/whats_the_best_thing_about_dating_a_homeless_woman/
%
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me my fingers were broken.

It was hard to grasp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4pkex/when_i_woke_up_from_my_accident_i_was_shocked/
%
If Gay Means Happy

Then I’m pretty straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4phz0/if_gay_means_happy/
%
I've nailed my Jesus impression...

Down to a T.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4oyu3/ive_nailed_my_jesus_impression/
%
Maritime Imperial Unit Puns

You can’t even fathom how many there are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ox7o/maritime_imperial_unit_puns/
%
They laughed at me when I said I wanted to become an optician

But they'll see, they'll all see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4owpd/they_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_become/
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I’m like Germany.

20s was still okay, but somewhere between the 30s and 40s I completely lost it and I’ve hated myself ever since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4owlb/im_like_germany/
%
With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4or82/with_all_the_bad_things_happenning_in_america/
%
In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4om1w/in_1872_the_welsh_invented_the_condom_using_a/
%
I hate car jokes

They drive me crazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4olaz/i_hate_car_jokes/
%
What did the Lion King tell Simba when he was walking too slow?

Mu-fasa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4of5e/what_did_the_lion_king_tell_simba_when_he_was/
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I ordered a horse from a rancher, but only got a mule.

Guess he just half-assed it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4obex/i_ordered_a_horse_from_a_rancher_but_only_got_a/
%
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?

>!Nothing, he's gladiator.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4o879/what_did_sparticus_do_to_the_cannibal_who_ate_his/
%
So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap paint instantly washes away with the deluge, and the painter, furious with the turn of luck falls to his knees and shakes his fists to the sky.
"WHY GOD, WHY?" He shouts.
An earthshaking voice booms in response **"REPAINT, REPAINT: THIN NO MORE"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4o6yc/so_a_sleazy_house_painter_gets_a_contract_to/
%
Why did the Walrus go to the Tupperware party?

He heard there was gonna be some tight seals there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4o3r8/why_did_the_walrus_go_to_the_tupperware_party/
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How do you escape from a closed cellar without the keys?

I don't know either, please help me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4o38c/how_do_you_escape_from_a_closed_cellar_without/
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Who is the patron saint of copying people on emails?

St Francis of a cc:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4nxzt/who_is_the_patron_saint_of_copying_people_on/
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RIP hot water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4nxg3/rip_hot_water/
%
I've always wanted to be a train engineer. I spent 15 years in engineering school, 10 years learning about train history, and 5 years learning how to operate a train.

I really thought I would've been trained by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4nuxq/ive_always_wanted_to_be_a_train_engineer_i_spent/
%
A man encounters a magic lamp and out pops a genie

The genie tells the man he will grant a wish of his choice, and the man proceeds to tell the genie his wish. The genie replies, “no problem, it should be done by tonight.”
Later that night, the man is waiting in his living room when he notices what appears to be a Ku Klux Klan rally forming in his front yard. He then runs outside and yells, “what the hell is going on out here?!?”
One of the clans members responds,
“Didn’t you say you wanted to be hung like a black man?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ntyi/a_man_encounters_a_magic_lamp_and_out_pops_a_genie/
%
Why did the tree fall on the computer?

It wanted to log in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4npwp/why_did_the_tree_fall_on_the_computer/
%
My wife and kids always look through the window all sad and angry when it rains

Maybe I should let them in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4np0b/my_wife_and_kids_always_look_through_the_window/
%
What’s white and can’t climb trees?

A fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4nk0x/whats_white_and_cant_climb_trees/
%
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna go for a bike ride?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4njpz/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What's it called when a rapper goes to the gym for 20 minutes?

A Lil Pump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4niyw/whats_it_called_when_a_rapper_goes_to_the_gym_for/
%
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....

He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ng9q/an_old_holocaust_survivor_dies_and_goes_up_to/
%
A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry to hear that", the boss says in a comforting tone. "Don't you wonna go home, so you can process the bad news?
Trying to put on a brave face, the blonde explains that she is is already feeling a little better.
"It's okay, I don't have to go home. It's probably for the best if I stay here, so I can keep my mind busy".
After making sure her employee is feeling better, the boss leaves the blondes office.
About one hour later, the blonde recieve another phone call, which again leaves her crying.
Concerned about what is going on this time, the boss pops in to check up on the blonde.
"What wrong? Who called you this time?", the boss asks the sobbing blonde.
"It's so horrible", the crying woman manage to say.
"What is it?", the boss asks comforntingly.
"I just got a call from my sister, who told me that her mother had also passed away!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ng91/a_blonde_recieve_a_phone_call_at_work_after_which/
%
I came up with a joke about Elton John

It's a little bit funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4nfkq/i_came_up_with_a_joke_about_elton_john/
%
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4nfba/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
%
My girlfriend bet me I couldn't make a car made of Spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ncoz/my_girlfriend_bet_me_i_couldnt_make_a_car_made_of/
%
I once dated a woman who had a twin

People asked me how can you tell them apart. Its simple.
Janet painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4nbzq/i_once_dated_a_woman_who_had_a_twin/
%
My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likable.

It was an autobiography...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4n6ga/my_parents_read_the_book_i_was_writing_they_said/
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Kim Jong Un sent Donald Trump a letter...

to let him know he was still open to denuclearization. Trump opened the letter and found a single-line coded message:
370HSSV - 0773H
Trump was confused, so he asked his aides to figure it out. The aides couldn't understand where the code came from, so they forwarded it to the FBI.
The FBI came back without an answer so they forwarded it to the CIA. The CIA had no idea so they reached out to the MSS (Ministry of State Security in China) for help.
Within a few seconds, MSS wrote back with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4n5mv/kim_jong_un_sent_donald_trump_a_letter/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4n197/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
An old joke me and my friends used to say to each other.

Person 1: can I tell you a joke?
Person 2: sure
Person 1: say “I am a man” after each sentence I say.
Person 2: ok
Person 1: you meet a girl
Person 2: “I am a man”
Person 1: you go on a date with her
Person 2: “I am a man”
Person 1: you sleep in a bed with her
Person 2: “I am a man”
Person 1: she whispers in your ear,
Person 2: “I am a man.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4n0b4/an_old_joke_me_and_my_friends_used_to_say_to_each/
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Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

They said he'll be given a tough sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4myyo/police_have_arrested_the_world_tonguetwister/
%
LPT: Use a name brand shopping bag as a trash bag while traveling in Europe

Once the bag is full, take some photos of your surroundings looking away from the shopping bag. By the time you look back, you no longer will have trash to get rid of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4mxnd/lpt_use_a_name_brand_shopping_bag_as_a_trash_bag/
%
I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they’d mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.

She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.
“Well, weaknesses...” he said “I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality”
"And your greatest strength?” She asked.
“Oh, I’m the Batman”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4mvx7/i_was_at_the_eye_doctor_with_my_92_year_old_dad/
%
Charles Dickens goes into a bar and orders a martini.

The barkeeper asks him:
"Olive or twist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4muw5/charles_dickens_goes_into_a_bar_and_orders_a/
%
A woman called a doctor

And said, "Doctor! It's an emergency. My husband swallowed a needle. You've got to come quickly!"
The doctor rushed to help them but on the way he got another call. It was from the same woman.
"There's no longer an emergency. I found another needle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4mutk/a_woman_called_a_doctor/
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Cops and Speeders

TW:  blonde joke
A blonde was driving on the highway and a motorcycle officer pulled her over for speeding.
The officer approached the drivers door and when her helmet came off, turns it was a blonde female cop.  She asked the driver for her license.  The driver frantically searched her wallet and then her purse and finally pulled out a small square makeup mirror.  She looked at it, saw her face, and handed it to the cop.
The cop looked at the mirror and said “gee why didn’t you tell me you were a cop?  You’re free to go!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4msph/cops_and_speeders/
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Why do so many people want to have sex with Kylie Jenner?

Because you're supposed to recycle plastic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4mraf/why_do_so_many_people_want_to_have_sex_with_kylie/
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What’s the minimum GPA needed to go to USC?

$500,000.00

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4mjyi/whats_the_minimum_gpa_needed_to_go_to_usc/
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Two germans are on vacation

France had closed the border at Germany, so they couldn't get through. The germans enter through Belgium instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4mhzg/two_germans_are_on_vacation/
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Sinks can't open doors

Let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4mhgw/sinks_cant_open_doors/
%
My doctor has the best bedside manner.

During my last prostate exam, he kept me calm by putting both of his hands on my shoulders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4mfcx/my_doctor_has_the_best_bedside_manner/
%
A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"
The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".
His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."
Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't going to go far with a stolen car..."
A voice comes out of the trunk "Did we pass the border yet ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4mawf/a_police_officer_stops_a_speeding_car_and_walks/
%
Why do they call a roach clip a roach clip?

'Cause the name "Pot Holder" was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4maqo/why_do_they_call_a_roach_clip_a_roach_clip/
%
I just ended a 5 year relationship

Omg, are you fine?
Yeah, it was not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4m31t/i_just_ended_a_5_year_relationship/
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In my spare time I'm helping blind children.

This is a lot of fun, especially since I got my new 3W blue laser pointer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4lsy9/in_my_spare_time_im_helping_blind_children/
%
What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on my organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4lrra/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
A flustered man is standing in front of Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks the man, "What happened? You aren't supposed to be here for many years." The man says, "I 'm just as surprised as you." The man thinks for a minute and says "Now I get it! It was the wish." Saint Peter asks the man to explain. The man says, "I found a magic lamp  and the genie granted me three wishes. With my first wish I asked the genie to kill my worst enemy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4lojd/a_flustered_man_is_standing_in_front_of_saint/
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"I'd like to have a toast" said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding

"Add some jam on it," he continued

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4liwv/id_like_to_have_a_toast_said_the_fatherinlaw_at/
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What do you call money which is received after sex?

In cum tax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4lhqg/what_do_you_call_money_which_is_received_after_sex/
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The mute chicken

Why did the mute chicken leave his cheating girlfriend at the side of the road.
He couldn’t give a cluck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4l6tv/the_mute_chicken/
%
A boy asks his grand dad where humans cane from

The grand dad says “well, god created the earth and decided to make humans to populate it.”
The boy says “but that’s not what grand ma said!”
The grand dad asks “well what did she say?”
The boy says “grand ma says that a smart monkey girl had a baby with a smart monkey boy and they kept getting smarter and smarter until they turned into humans.” And then he says “so where did we actually come from grand dad?”
And the grand dad replies “well I was talking about my side of the family and she was talking about hers.”
(Not my joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4l5yq/a_boy_asks_his_grand_dad_where_humans_cane_from/
%
3 Mountain Men Are Sitting in a Bar Trying to decide What to Name Their Newly Settled Land

They throw all the letters of the alphabet into a hat and draw them out one at at a time.
The first draws, "'C', eh."
The second, "'N', eh."
The third, "'D', eh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4l21s/3_mountain_men_are_sitting_in_a_bar_trying_to/
%
You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4l0w7/you_want_to_know_the_worst_thing_about_owls/
%
More saving, more doing

That’s the power of not having a wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4kyof/more_saving_more_doing/
%
Why haven't aliens come to our solar system?

They checked our reviews.
One star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ky32/why_havent_aliens_come_to_our_solar_system/
%
What's the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian cousin?

BrocoLee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ky0a/whats_the_name_of_bruce_lees_vegetarian_cousin/
%
The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road.  He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door.  On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the barn where he sees a large hog staring at him.  He does a classic double-take as it registers on him that this pig only has 3 legs.
He knocks on the door and an old farmer in overalls answers.  "Howdy, sir, I'm working with United Insurance and I'm here---well doggone it, I just gotta ask you first:  I noticed your pig only has three legs.  What's the story?"
The farmer spits and say, "Well, you see, a few years back my wife left the stove on at night.  The flame caught a greasy napkin and while we were sleeping the kitchen caught fire and the house filled with smoke.  Of course, we never would have known that except for that pig.  That pig must've smelled the smoke, hopped the fence, busted into the house and damned if he didn't drag me, the missus, my youngest son, and the cat out of our beds and onto the front lawn.  Firemen showed up and doused it before the whole house went up but that pig saved our lives."
"And that's how he lost his leg?  Saving you?"
"Nah, that wasn't it.  See about a year ago--this is about a year after the fire--a couple desperate fellas broke out of prison and stole a car.  The cops were hot on their tail but these two lost 'em and headed out as far into the sticks as they could.  They pulled up here at the farm.  These two tied us all up, grabbed all our money and belongings and were arguing about how to kill us when that pig busts right through the barn door, launches himself at the first con knocking him out.  He grabbed the guy's gun in his mouth, aimed it at the second one and darned if he didn't stare that second one down so bad he dropped his gun and surrendered to the pig.  The pig frees us and we called the cops who hauled them both back to jail."
"So the pig--he lost his leg in the tussle?"
"Naw, not then.  No, about six months ago--about April--we were doing our taxes.  We'd had a couple bad years with crops and such and we just couldn't see how we could avoid losing the place.  We were in a terrible place.  Now that pig, somehow he gets into the office in the barn, sees all the forms and paperwork.  He stayed up all night while were asleep, crunching numbers, shifting figures from one place to the next, discovering a few little pockets of savings we forgot about.  Well, I tell you, I was astounded.  There on the desk was my tax form and not only were the finances in good enough shape to keep the farm, we got a tidy little return to boot."
"Ok, that's great, but how in the hell did the pig lose his leg doing that?"
"Oh, it's like this, mister:  A pig like that you don't eat all at once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4kvuk/the_threelegged_pig/
%
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with linkin park...

but in the end, it doesn't even matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ktrk/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_of_my_obsession/
%
Dad and his son Billy, age 5, had a conversation. Dad: Billy listen. Your mother and I have decided that we can't live together anymore.

Billy: But papa, where will mommy live??
Dad: She'll still live here.
Billy: Oh papa I will miss you.
Dad: I will miss you too Billy. Now pack up your stuff you got 15minutes to get the f\*\*k out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4kot4/dad_and_his_son_billy_age_5_had_a_conversation/
%
Scientists have a grown a pair of vocal cords in a laboratory.....

The results speak for themselves..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4kl02/scientists_have_a_grown_a_pair_of_vocal_cords_in/
%
Jesus asks a Christian, "What's up with all those crosses? Which part of my story makes you think I like crosses?"

The Christian replies: "I don't know, but you seem to be quite attached to them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4kjux/jesus_asks_a_christian_whats_up_with_all_those/
%
Alzheimer jokes are not funny

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4kao2/alzheimer_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED

G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The good guy gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl.
X: Everybody gets the girl!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4kag9/movie_ratings_explained/
%
I want to get a race horse, and name it My Face.

Just so I can hear people in the stands yell, “Come on, My Face!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4k6jf/i_want_to_get_a_race_horse_and_name_it_my_face/
%
Comparing dick size is like asking the difference between guac and guacamole...

They're both the same thing, one's just a lot less of a mouthful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4k53e/comparing_dick_size_is_like_asking_the_difference/
%
Son: "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"

Dad: "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4k1tx/son_dad_how_much_does_it_cost_to_get_married/
%
Someone asked me if I had Alzheimer's

I couldn't remember

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4k0iq/someone_asked_me_if_i_had_alzheimers/
%
What was one of the greatest inventions of all time, yet was completely useless when it was first made?

The telephone, who r u gonna call?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4jz52/what_was_one_of_the_greatest_inventions_of_all/
%
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.  (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4jz07/a_male_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_cop_and_the/
%
(From my mom) What's better than little quizzies

Big Testies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4jxvs/from_my_mom_whats_better_than_little_quizzies/
%
Mafia informants are like good eggs.

They sink right to the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4jx4b/mafia_informants_are_like_good_eggs/
%
Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4jupa/best_knock_knock_joke_ever/
%
Who was the roundest Knight at King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4jlo5/who_was_the_roundest_knight_at_king_arthurs_round/
%
The monkey

So a college girl really wants to buy a monkey, but she knows her dad will not send the money for such a pet. So she emails her dad and asks for money to buy a bicycle.
The money comes, and she buys the cute little monkey.
After about a week, she notices that clumps of hair are falling out of the little fellow. Unfortunately, she doesn't have the money to take the monkey to the vet, so she does internet searches for hours, but cannot find anything that might help.
Finally, in desperation, she emails her father, saying, "Help! All of the hair is falling out of my monkey! Please send money!"
And her father emails back, "Sell the goddamn bicycle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4jjfm/the_monkey/
%
I died and came back as a hillbilly.

That's called reintarnation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4jj50/i_died_and_came_back_as_a_hillbilly/
%
What do you call a cow that has an abortion

DeCALFeinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4jhyh/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_has_an_abortion/
%
If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4jey2/if_jesus_was_real_they_wouldnt_call_it_the/
%
My weird boss has designated bathroom-break times for all his employees, and now it’s my turn.

I don’t need this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4jdj3/my_weird_boss_has_designated_bathroombreak_times/
%
You stole my viola, cello, and double bass.

You made me so angry, I'm violint now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4jcv4/you_stole_my_viola_cello_and_double_bass/
%
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.

Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday present.
“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Just give me something with diamonds.”
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4jc1i/its_my_wifes_birthday_tomorrow/
%
I don't objectify women.

But grammar does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4jc02/i_dont_objectify_women/
%
Puns make me numb

Math jokes make me number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4j68w/puns_make_me_numb/
%
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.
So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.
John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.
The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.
Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4j12e/there_were_two_white_christian_men_john_and_mike/
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Trick question.They can't change anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4j00z/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Why do you always high five the emo kid?

You can't leave them hanging...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4itbk/why_do_you_always_high_five_the_emo_kid/
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Why is Antman able to enter Thanos’s butt?

Because there is no more Asgard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4isg4/why_is_antman_able_to_enter_thanoss_butt/
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Did you hear about the explosion at a cheese factory in France?

All that was left was debrie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4iqhb/did_you_hear_about_the_explosion_at_a_cheese/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiots house.
Knock , knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ij9c/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Why haven't the aliens visited us yet?

They looked at the reviews.. Only 1 star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4iiy5/why_havent_the_aliens_visited_us_yet/
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A blonde, a brunette and a red head were stranded on a desert island....

The brunette was a very intelligent woman and was able to figure out using her years of mathematical know-how, that it was 20 miles to the nearest shore and she thought she could swim it.
So off she went and made it out 5 miles and got exhausted and drowned.
After a few days the redhead decided that the brunette must not be coming back and since she was quite a bit fitter, she decided to have a go.
She swam out, past 5 miles, past 10 miles and just as she was reaching 15 miles and could practically see the shore, she got exhausted and drowned.
Now, the blonde was all alone now and waited a week before deciding to swim....
She made it past 5 miles, 10 miles no bother, she got past the 15 mile mark.....
Then about 19 miles out she got tired and swam back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4iixu/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_red_head_were_stranded/
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In WWII, a soviet army marches through Finland...

Suddenly, from over the hill, they hear a voice shout, "One Finnish soldier is worth 10 Soviets!"
The Soviet commander is annoyed. He sends 10 troops over the hill to investigate. After a few minutes, he hears gunshots, screams, and then silence. Then the voice shouts again, "One Finnish soldier is worth 100 Soviets!"
The Soviet commander grows angry, and then sends 100 troops over the hill. Once again, after a few minutes, he hears gunshots, screams, and then silence. Once again, the voice shouts back: "One Finnish soldier is worth 1000 Soviets!"
The commander is now furious, and he sends 1000 troops over the hill. For a third time, he hears gunshots, screams and then silence. Finally, a different voice shouts back: "Komrade, Komrade, it was a trap! There were 2 Finnish soldiers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ii31/in_wwii_a_soviet_army_marches_through_finland/
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I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,

even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4icle/i_went_to_a_faith_healer_last_night_and_he_was/
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If a person does exceedingly well in the Catholic faith, they become a saint. But if someone does equally well in the Hindu faith, they become a...

Saint Bernard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ia8k/if_a_person_does_exceedingly_well_in_the_catholic/
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A man cheats on his wife who happens to be a composer. After finding out about it, she composes a piece of music that expresses her unending rage.

Hell hath no fury like a woman score.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4i9rt/a_man_cheats_on_his_wife_who_happens_to_be_a/
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Wise man once say: sleep with itchy bum...

Wake up with smelly finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4i2vx/wise_man_once_say_sleep_with_itchy_bum/
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Once upon a time in an old magical kingdom, there lived an young monk called Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral
singing. They trained, hours every day, refining
their voices and their art. Their song floated
down the mountainside, enriching the lives and
souls of the townspeople below
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th
birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully
intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within
miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very
core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone.
And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was
Sam, and Sam was the first person in history
to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that
musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one
before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again.
This time, the town below was so impacted
that no one moved, spoke, or even blink for
several minutes after. As the golden sound finally
tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had
found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town
had realized there was a pattern involved. This
time, all of the townspeople were present in the
monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit
the glorious Third Note. People cried out in purepure
joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo.
Words cannot do justice to the experience. The
town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people
pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical
Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that
is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as nor
mal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the
start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this
new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and
discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and
was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his
resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part
of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously
combusted! The two closest monks on stage
were burned by the flames coming off of his
body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon
the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle,
everyone made it out, except for poor Sam
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning
monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the
order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it
obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
PS : Not mine but the best I've ever heard !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4i28t/once_upon_a_time_in_an_old_magical_kingdom_there/
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Jesus: "Pardon me, I'm afraid I don't know what to do with this cross."

Roman soldier: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4i1gl/jesus_pardon_me_im_afraid_i_dont_know_what_to_do/
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What's the German word for bra?

Keepsemfromfloppin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4i17r/whats_the_german_word_for_bra/
%
I broke up with my girlfriend after she told me that she has foot fetish.

I prefer metric system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4hw5f/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_after_she_told_me/
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What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute
Real life story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4hso6/what_does_a_spoiled_brat_need_to_break_a_laptop/
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Not long after he was accused of taking drugs...

Lance Armstrong was also convicted for pedalling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4hrwr/not_long_after_he_was_accused_of_taking_drugs/
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I was asked to be a hand model

I don't know why my parents looked weird at me, when I told them I got $100 for a hand job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4hr8d/i_was_asked_to_be_a_hand_model/
%
I was at the funeral of my friend Steve and started talking to his widow.

Me: "I'm sorry for your loss, at least he's not suffering anymore."
Her: "He was shot. The doctor said he died instantly."
Me: "I mean he doesn't have to deal with you now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4hqsy/i_was_at_the_funeral_of_my_friend_steve_and/
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I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4h6qt/i_was_suspicious_or_my_girlffriend_cheating_on_me/
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Ducks have feathers

To cover their butt quacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4h5kn/ducks_have_feathers/
%
How Do You Get A One-Armed Man Out Of a Tree?

You Wave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4gya6/how_do_you_get_a_onearmed_man_out_of_a_tree/
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A guy driving in his car decides to do some good deeds today!

Shortly after he sees a guy dressed completely in yellow waving at him. So our guy stops the car and rolls down the window.
"Hello there friend", says our guy, "how may I help you?"
The guy in yellow then responds. "Hello friend, I am the yellow faggot! I need a ride to the city."
Our guy is very confused about that but decides to help this guy out, so he hops in and they drive off.
Later he sees a guy dressed completely in pink waving at him. He stops the car and asks this guy what he wants.
"Hello there friend", says the guy in pink, "I am the pink faggot! I need a ride to the town."
Our guy is now very confused about this but lets the pink guy join too and they drive off.
Later he sees a guy in blue waving at him so he stops and says.
"Ok now, let me guess, you are the blue faggot right?"
The blue guy then says.
"I'll show you blue faggot you dumb motherfucker, show me your drives license and ID NOW!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4gehs/a_guy_driving_in_his_car_decides_to_do_some_good/
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How many ants do you need to rent out a place?

Tenants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4gah1/how_many_ants_do_you_need_to_rent_out_a_place/
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What do you call a Soviet sniper?

A Marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4g53i/what_do_you_call_a_soviet_sniper/
%
Three Vampires and a Tavern

A vampire finds a tavern and wanders inside.
He goes up to the barkeep and says, “Gimme a goblet of warm blood”
Barkeep says, “What in the hell!?” , And puts a stake in the vampires heart.
Later, another Vampire walks in.
This one asks, “Give me a tankard of warm blood! Or I’ll curse your entire lineage!”
Barkeep says nothing and stabs him in the heart with his last stake.
Just before closing time, the last Vampire walks inside.
He goes to the Barkeep and says, “Fetch me a cup of hot water.”
Barkeep starts to say, “I AINT GIVING YOU BL-“ then restrains himself to say “Oh, yeah coming right up.”
Barkeep brings the hot water to the Vampire and asks “What’dya need this for?”
Vampire chuckles and pulls out a used tampon.
“I’m making tea!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4g49g/three_vampires_and_a_tavern/
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What has the probability of one in five million?

Blonde: But there's no 1 in 5000000. Only a five and six zeros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4g36w/what_has_the_probability_of_one_in_five_million/
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Foot Heads Arms Body

The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.
The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot Heads Arms Body."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4fx51/foot_heads_arms_body/
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Europe lays there like a prostitute.

England is finished but won't pull out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4frno/europe_lays_there_like_a_prostitute/
%
Finally my winter fat is gone.

Now I have spring rolls .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4frda/finally_my_winter_fat_is_gone/
%
That’s the thing about humping mimes....

You never hear them coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4fqb1/thats_the_thing_about_humping_mimes/
%
A black man was driving a brand new mercedes

He saw cop lights in his rear view mirror and pulled over. He calmly pulls over to the shoulder of the road and waits for the police officer to knock on the window.
“Goin’ a little fast back there, yeah? License and registration.”
The black man hands over the information and says “Sir, I know I wasn’t speeding, why am I being pulled over?”
“Never mind that, son. What are you doing to afford a car like this?”
“Well, sir, I’m a rectal plastic surgeon.”
“A what?! Don’t bullshit me boy. Just what the hell does a so called ‘rectal surgeon’ do?”
“Well I admit, my work isn’t for everyone. But, my client comes in and I put them under. Then I proceed to stretch their anus until it’s about 6 feet.”
“I said don’t bullshit me boy, what does anyone do with a 6 foot tall asshole?!”
“Well you give them a radar gun and a badge”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4fkxe/a_black_man_was_driving_a_brand_new_mercedes/
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How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave?

I do not know, I close my eyes when I masturbate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4figc/how_long_does_it_take_for_a_baby_to_explode_in_a/
%
When a Tesla drifts,

It's called the electric slide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4f4fc/when_a_tesla_drifts/
%
Why should you not play poker in the jungle?

Because there are so many cheetahs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4f29v/why_should_you_not_play_poker_in_the_jungle/
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What do you call someone who sells themself in exchange for spaghetti?

A pasta-tute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4f0yt/what_do_you_call_someone_who_sells_themself_in/
%
My doctor said it was perfectly normal to become aroused and ejaculate during a prostate exam.

That being said, I still wish he hadn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4euov/my_doctor_said_it_was_perfectly_normal_to_become/
%
Just heard this variation on an oldie!

A hat maker was trying to sell his hats on a hot summers day. After having no luck for 4 hours under the sun, he decided to take a short rest underneath a gigantic tree. He set his briefcase of hats down, took one out to cover his face, and laid down on the grass. With the shade from his hat and the warmth of the ground beneath him, he felt drowsy and quickly fell asleep. When he woke up an hour later, he was startled to find that his briefcase was open, and his hats were missing.
He then heard a curious sound above him. only to notice that the tree was filled with chatty monkeys all wearing his hats! He quickly tried offering them sticks or dropped fruits in exchange for his hats, but the monkeys seemed to only make fun of him. Furious, he threw a stick at one of the monkeys, which resulted in a shower of thrown sticks back at him. Ducking for cover, he backed off to another nearby tree where he thew his hat down in frustration. To his amazement, the monkeys, seemingly copying him, threw their hats down as well! He quickly picked up his hats and ran away.
The hat maker went on to have a very successful business, getting married and having many children and eventually grandchildren. He passed on his knowledge of the trade to his oldest son before retiring, who upheld the family business and eventually passed it on to his oldest son as was tradition.
&nbsp;
A few generations passed, and the new owner and grandson of the hat maker was selling hats on a hot day, when he too decided to take a short rest underneath a very similar tree. One thing lead to another, and he found himself waking up to his hats having been stolen by monkeys! However, he remembered the old story his grandfather had told him about outwitting some monkeys, and threw his hat down. A single monkey climbed down the tree and took the hat before making a rude gesture and scurrying back up. Stumped and enraged, he screamed at the monkey.
&nbsp;
The monkey replied: "Hey idiot, you're not the only one with a grandfather".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4etvb/just_heard_this_variation_on_an_oldie/
%
Knock knock

"Who's there?"
"It's three."
"Three who?"
"3 am."
"Ok, I'll stop drumming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4eqo7/knock_knock/
%
TIFU by doing a Sean Connery impersonation all day.

My friend dared me to do my best Sean Connery impersonation for twenty-four hours yesterday, and it was going really well, until last night....
I asked my girlfriend to sit on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4epsy/tifu_by_doing_a_sean_connery_impersonation_all_day/
%
What's the difference between being hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4eppb/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
%
What's the difference between Amy Schumer and a blue whale?

About 10 pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4en5c/whats_the_difference_between_amy_schumer_and_a/
%
What's the difference between a garbonzo bean and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbonzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ehb9/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbonzo_bean_and/
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What do you call a depressed presenter at a dentist convention?

A blue tooth speaker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4eg8e/what_do_you_call_a_depressed_presenter_at_a/
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If Dracula were a furry, what would his name be?

Nos-fur-atu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4efp0/if_dracula_were_a_furry_what_would_his_name_be/
%
My girlfriend left me after I said she reminded me of our dessert, a baked Alaska.

Fire hot on the outside, but ice cold on the inside. I should have just said sweet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4eboe/my_girlfriend_left_me_after_i_said_she_reminded/
%
An atheist, a vegan,and a CrossFitter walk into a bar.

I only know this because they told everyone within two minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ebkz/an_atheist_a_veganand_a_crossfitter_walk_into_a/
%
What's the difference between a step stool and a 3d printer?

The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4e5ld/whats_the_difference_between_a_step_stool_and_a/
%
Rapunzel was just kinky.

She just wanted her hair pulled. She didn't need to be saved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4e3v2/rapunzel_was_just_kinky/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4dwib/why_does_snoop_dogg_carry_an_umbrella/
%
Catholic priest and an Olympic silver medalist

What do a catholic priest and an olympic silver medalist have in common?
They both came in a little behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4dv3i/catholic_priest_and_an_olympic_silver_medalist/
%
Posting on r/Jokes is like dating in Alabama

Neither bring anything original to the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4dtp3/posting_on_rjokes_is_like_dating_in_alabama/
%
Why can’t the Infiniti car company trademark ∞ ?

Because the legal battle would be endless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4dnja/why_cant_the_infiniti_car_company_trademark/
%
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick..

She still isn't talking to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4dnhc/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
%
I met a man with no asshole.

He told me the doctors always wanted to run tests and get samples from him, but he never gave a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4dn4i/i_met_a_man_with_no_asshole/
%
What do you call octopus twins that look exactly alike?

Itenticle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4da7m/what_do_you_call_octopus_twins_that_look_exactly/
%
Dad’s are like boomerangs

They go away for a period of time and then come back just to hit you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4d4fo/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
What is the worst kind of tea?

Reality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4d2ko/what_is_the_worst_kind_of_tea/
%
Actual conversation that took place in front of me today while waiting for my food at a chicken place...

There were 4 teens standing in front of me, 2 boys and 2 girls. One of the girls walks off to go to the restroom...
Guy A “Hey man, is that your sister?”
Guy B “Yeah”
Guy A “I can tell, y’all look just alike. This is my sister and we don’t look nothin’ alike. I look just like my daddy... and she looks just like her daddy!”
I laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4cvj8/actual_conversation_that_took_place_in_front_of/
%
Why can’t the Infinity car company trademark ∞ ?

The legal battle would be endless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ctrv/why_cant_the_infinity_car_company_trademark/
%
Do you wanna hear a brexit joke?

Actually.. yeah sorry I'll tell you in a few months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4crod/do_you_wanna_hear_a_brexit_joke/
%
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4co9t/i_used_to_sell_security_alarms_door_to_door_and_i/
%
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....

He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4clpo/an_old_holocaust_survivor_dies_and_goes_up_to/
%
What do you call a patient with atrial fibrillation who has never had a heart procedure?

A cardiovirgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4cg1i/what_do_you_call_a_patient_with_atrial/
%
Grandpa, Can I Have a Tricycle?

A very young James went to his grandfather and asked for a tricycle.
Grandfather asked, "Jimmy, can your weewee reach all the way to your butthole?"
"Well, no Grandpa, it can't", Jimmy replied sheepishly.
Grandpa said to come back and talk when it could.
A few years later, James came to his grandfather again.
"Grandpa Tom, I'm a big boy now and I've been very good and have been doing all my chores like I'm supposed to, without even being asked. Can I have a bicycle?"
"Well, Jimmy my boy, is your schlong of length enough now to reach your filthy poop chute?"
"I guess it still isn't, Grandpa Tom."
"Then bugger off, boy."
James returned in a few more years, on graduation day, with another request.
Gramps, "I've studied and worked hard, made good grades, and graduated at the top of my class. I think a car for graduation would be really great."
"Well, son, you should know the question by now. Is your wee tallywhacker able to make the long journey to your old chocolate starfish?"
To this question, James beamed, "Why yes, Grandpa Tom, it sure can now!"
"Goood, good! Then go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ccni/grandpa_can_i_have_a_tricycle/
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A Man is walking down the street when he finds a Catholic Church

A man is walking along the street one day when he comes across a Catholic church on the side of road. As he walks by, he hears the most beautiful, gorgeous, blissful music coming from the inside of the church. Curious, and eager to find out what the source of such a magical noise could be, he opens the great wooden door and rushes in to find a humble, old priest bent over the alter, praying, while the music continues on in the background. Rushing over to the priest the man says "My dear sir! What is that beautiful music I hear echoing through this gorgeous church? What is the source of such a wonderful sound?" The old Catholic priest smiles and turns to the man, his old bones having slowed him down in his old age. Looking up at the man with bemusement, "I wish I could tell you." he croaks. Slightly frustrated, the man pulls at his hair, desperate to know the source of the music. "Well then why can't you tell me?" The priest laughs again. "If you want to know, you must become a Catholic priest for at least 20 years, as I did, many years ago, before I tell you of the source of this noise. Only a Catholic priest can see the source of the noise." The man quickly thanks the old priest, and with increased vigor, and an unquenchable thirst to find out what the source of the noise is, decides he will become a Catholic priest for 20 years to find out what the source is. Interestingly enough, not many people were applying to become Catholic priests at the time, didn't seem to be quite a popular job, but the man persevered, and became a Catholic priest. The job was demanding, and he wasn't particularly good at it, but come 20 years, the man, now old and feeling about as frail as the priest he had met 20 years ago, makes his way to that Catholic church he stumbled upon two decades ago, ready to discover the source of the noise. The man opens the great wooden door of the church and finds the same old priest bent over the alter. The aged priest looks so old he could practically whither to dust before the mans eyes. Eager that the past 20 years had finally come to its culmination, the man rushes up to the old priest and proudly declares his accomplishment. "I've done it!" he says proudly. "I did what you said, and I've been a Catholic priest these past long 20 years. Will you show me the source of this gorgeous, this lovely music now?" Slowly moving his head to look up at the man, as if afraid to injure himself, the kindly old priest nods. "You have done well, and come at the proper time too. I feel as though my time here on this earth is up, and it is now time for you to know what the source of this music is, and for you to now watch over the source of the " he grabs at the mans arms. "Pull me up, for I am an old man now, and my legs are weary." The two of them hobble to the old priests office, tucked away across the chapel. The old Catholic priest unlocks the door to his office, and opens up a drawer in his desk, before pulling out a rusty, old fashioned key. The man and the priest slowly make their way across the chapel to an ancient, plain looking wooden door. The priest unlocks the door to reveal a dark flight of wooden stairs that lead down. The duo make their way down the stairs, and walk down a deep dank, dimly lit passageway. They walk for about a solid 20 minutes before they reach a solid looking, but plain, iron door. The music is louder than it was before, and the man figures the source has to be just behind the solid, but plain, iron door. He tries the handle, but its locked. The old priest lets out a laugh. "Darn it! I've forgotten the key to the door, its in my office." The man chuckles, although a little annoyed. "It can happen to the best of us." The two of them leave the iron door, walk down the long dank passageway, up the flight of old wooden stairs, and through the wooden door, across the chapel, and into the priests office. The old priest opens a different drawer this time, and grabs a different, iron key. They then make their way across the chapel, through the wooden door, down the flight of old wooden stairs, walk down the long dank passageway, and back to the plain iron door. The old priest unlocks the plain iron door, and the two of them make their slow passage down a long, but steeply declining hallway until the two of them come across an ominous pristine stainless steel door, looming ahead of them. The music is even louder then it was before. The old priest moves to unlock the door, when he stops and smacks his forehead. "Darn it! I've forgotten the key to the door. It's in my office." The man grimaces, but masks the rest of his frustration as the two of them leave the ominous stainless steel door, up the declining hallway, through the iron door, walk down the long dank passageway, up the flight of old wooden stairs, and through the wooden door, across the chapel, and into the priests office. The old priest opens a different drawer this time, and grabs a different, steel key. They then make their way across the chapel, through the wooden door, down the flight of old wooden stairs, walk down the long dank passageway, through the iron door, down the declining hallway, and back to the ominous stainless steel door. The old priest fumbles with the key for a bit before he unlocks the stainless steel door, and the two of them continue down a rustic, stone hallway. They walk for a while before the man notices the noise is even louder than before, and the two of them come across a polished bronze door. The old priest moves to unlockd the door, when he stops and smacks his forehad. "Darn it! I've forgotten the key to the door. It's in my office." His temper building, the man grudgingly follows the old priest away from the polished bronze door, back down the rustic stone hallway, through the ominous stainless steel door, up the declining hallway, through the iron door, walk down the long dank passageway, up the flight of old wooden stairs, and through the wooden door, across the chapel, and into the priests office. The old priest opens a different drawer this time, and grabs a different, bronze key. They then make their way across the chapel, through the wooden door, down the flight of old wooden stairs, walk down the long dank passageway, through the iron door, down the declining hallway, through the ominous stainless steel door, down the rustic stone hallway, and back to the polished bronze door. The old priest fumbles with the key for a bit before he unlocks the polished bronze door. The man and the old priest make their way down a sleek metallic hallway, and the man notices that the gorgeous, beautiful music is even louder then it was at the bronze door. They continue walking till they reach a splendid silver door, its craftsmanship exceedingly fine, the music louder than ever. The old priest pauses before opening this door. "Forgive me," he says, bending over. "I am an old man, and my body is not what it used to be." The man shrugs. Who was he, to judge this elder for weariness? They wait for a moment before the old priest moves to unlock the splendid silver door, when he sotp and smacks his forehead. "Don't tell me-" the man starts, when the old priest cries "Darn it! I've forgotten the key to the door. It's in my office." His temper building, but still longing to know what the source of the music is, the old priest and the man leave the splendid silver door, go back down the sleek metallic hallway, through the polished bronze door, back down the rustic stone hallway, through the ominous stainless steel door, up the declining hallway, through the iron door, walk down the long dank passageway, up the flight of old wooden stairs, and through the wooden door, across the chapel, and into the priests office. The old priest opens a different drawer this time, and grabs a different, silver key. They then make their way across the chapel, through the wooden door, down the flight of old wooden stairs, walk down the long dank passageway, through the iron door, down the declining hallway, through the ominous stainless steel door, down the rustic stone hallway, through the polished bronze door, down the sleek, metallic hallway, and back to the splendid silver door. The old man fumbles with his key for a bit before he unlocks the door, and the two of them go down a flight of polished obsidian stairs, till they reach a gorgeous, gem encrusted golden door, the music now the loudest it had ever been, practially deafining, but all the more beautiful and gorgeous. The man falls to his knees at the gem encrusted golden door, he could spend an eternity here, and still not fully appreciate its beauty. "Don't worry." the priest says. "This is the final door to the source of the music." The man is grateful, his quest if finally at its end, the wait finally over. The old priest moves to unlock the door, before smacking his head. "Darn it! I've forgotten the key to the door. It's in my office." The man can forgive the old priest for his awful, awful memory at this point. It's the last door after all, and he can stand just one more trip with the old priest to his office. The two of them leave the gem encrusted, golden door, back up the polished obsidian stairs, go through the splendid silver door, go back down the sleek metallic hallway, through the polished bronze door, back down the rustic stone hallway, through the ominous stainless steel door, up the declining hallway, through the iron door, walk down the long dank passageway, up the flight of old wooden stairs, and through the wooden door, across the chapel, and into the priests office. The old priest opens a different drawer this time, and grabs a different, golden key. They then make their way across the chapel, through the wooden door, down the flight of old wooden stairs, walk down the long dank passageway, through the iron door, down the declining hallway, through the ominous stainless steel door, down the rustic stone hallway, through the polished bronze door, down the sleek, metallic hallway, through the splendid silver door, down the polished obsidian stairs, and back to the gorgeous, gem encrusted golden door. The old priest and the man reach the door, before the old priest stumbles, grabbing at the mans arm. "My boy," he says, practically grasping for breath. "My boy," he repeats "my time here on this earth is now coming to a close." He clutches at his chest. The man urgently makes a move to move the old priest up so he can carry him to a hospital. The old priest however, stops him. "No my boy, I wish to die here, next to this golden door I have long cherished, listening to this music that I have long protected." He slides down, laying against the wall adjacent to the golden door. "I entrust you now, with both the protection of this church, and this music. Can you do that for me, my boy?" Tears streaming down the mans eyes, he clasps  the old priests hands, taking the golden key. "I will" he stutters. "I will." And before the mans eyes, the old priest dies, at peace. The man now solemnly turns to the gorgeous golden door, and unlocks it, the gorgeous music now playing as crystal clear as ever, the source of the music shown to him at last, inside revealing a vast open room, and in the center of it sits—I'm sorry, I can't tell you. You're not a Catholic priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4cc9e/a_man_is_walking_down_the_street_when_he_finds_a/
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I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4c5q4/ive_been_dating_this_homeless_chick_for_a_while/
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What does a robot do after a one night stand?

He nuts & bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4c42k/what_does_a_robot_do_after_a_one_night_stand/
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I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4c0iz/ive_just_discovered_that_i_have_a_logic_fetish/
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What is a communist doing when he downloads something?

He is in*stalin*
Ok I'll leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4byvi/what_is_a_communist_doing_when_he_downloads/
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When I found out my Tinder date was missing a foot, I nearly threw up.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4bpj0/when_i_found_out_my_tinder_date_was_missing_a/
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My wife sang, "What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?"

I replied, "Evidently not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4bnor/my_wife_sang_what_would_you_do_if_i_sang_out_of/
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Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today.

That's 10 years in a row now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4bmt7/damn_i_forgot_to_go_to_the_gym_today/
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I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant...

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant. Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4bj8i/i_got_a_vasectomy_but_my_girlfriend_still_got/
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I woke up at the crack of Dawn yesterday

Told her to get her ass out of my face and get dressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4bggl/i_woke_up_at_the_crack_of_dawn_yesterday/
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What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4bfsz/what_do_the_movies_titanic_and_the_sixth_sense/
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Do you know the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4bfnx/do_you_know_the_difference_between_inlaws_and/
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if a dog was a contractor, what would his specialty be?

roofing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4bccw/if_a_dog_was_a_contractor_what_would_his/
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My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4bbcm/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_took_her/
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Whoever says that it would be great to die and have 72 virgins...

Has obviously never had sex with a virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4b7p2/whoever_says_that_it_would_be_great_to_die_and/
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Interrogation

***Detective:*** You have less than two minutes with the prisoners before their bomb detonates. Make them count.
***Interrogator:*** I will do my best.
Two minutes later... ***eXpLoSiOn!!!***
***Detective:*** What the hell man??
***Interrogator:*** Not my fault, I got them to go past 500!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4b7ce/interrogation/
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert

They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4b3l7/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_were_all_lost/
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I'm starting my new job at the guillotine factory today.

I'll beheading there shortly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4b2f8/im_starting_my_new_job_at_the_guillotine_factory/
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Who do you call when you have a taco emergency in Mexico?

9 Juan Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4b0xr/who_do_you_call_when_you_have_a_taco_emergency_in/
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What do you call a Mexican-Canadian pimp business?

Hoes, eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4azh9/what_do_you_call_a_mexicancanadian_pimp_business/
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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4avz7/once_upon_a_time_in_a_village_a_man_appeared_and/
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Ban pre-shredded cheese

Make America grate again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4atyo/ban_preshredded_cheese/
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What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang

Cracking open a cold one with the boys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4atr8/what_do_you_call_a_necrophiliac_gangbang/
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This joke has to be told to someone in person

This joke has three parts. A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says “I’m the one driving not you”.
The second part is, the woman is cooking food for her and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in, she slaps him and says “I’m the one cooking not you”
The fourth part is...
person listening: what you said there were three parts.
*slaps*
I’m the one telling the joke not you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4atp9/this_joke_has_to_be_told_to_someone_in_person/
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Why can’t Jesus play hockey?

He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4at2d/why_cant_jesus_play_hockey/
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What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?

A baby in a plastic bag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4ap61/whats_blue_and_doesnt_weigh_very_much/
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Legend tells of an incredible hero...

Legend tells of an incredible hero: Carto-Man. Half of his body is a regular human, but the other half is made up of a key from a map.
The man, the myth, the legend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4amkz/legend_tells_of_an_incredible_hero/
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Orion’s belt is a big waist of space

Okay, I’m sorry, that was a terrible joke. Only three stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4aev0/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
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What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4aekj/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.  The guy goes into the backyard and
sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.  "You talk?" he asks.  "Yep" the Lab replies.  After the guy recovers
from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"  The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that
I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."  The guy is amazed. He
goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.  "Ten dollars" the owner says.  The guy says "Ten dollars?
This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"  The owner said "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4aea6/a_guy_is_driving_around_the_back_woods_of_montana/
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To the man in a wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide, but you can't run. (Hopefuly you haven't seen this reposted, I just thought of it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4a9ro/to_the_man_in_a_wheel_chair_who_stole_my/
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What do you call a hen looking at lettuce?

Chicken sees her salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4a9mx/what_do_you_call_a_hen_looking_at_lettuce/
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Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4a7f3/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
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What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4a43s/what_does_a_clock_do_when_its_hungry/
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My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4a42w/my_idiot_friend_keeps_saying_every_time_i_go_to/
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My girlfriend borrowed €100 from me. After 3 years when we separated she returned exactly €100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4a3cw/my_girlfriend_borrowed_100_from_me_after_3_years/
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What's the difference between a hop toad and a horny toad?

A hop toad says, "Ribbit, ribbit."
A horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4a2wp/whats_the_difference_between_a_hop_toad_and_a/
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What do you call it when four kangaroos have sex?

A kangbang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b49pec/what_do_you_call_it_when_four_kangaroos_have_sex/
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Why did Mr. Ohm marry Ms. Ohm

Their love was electric and He couldn't Resistor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b49lw8/why_did_mr_ohm_marry_ms_ohm/
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A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family

-My beloved wife
-Im here my love
-My son, are you here?
-yes father, im here
-my beautiful daughter, youre also here
-yes dad, we are all here with you
-THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE THE KITCHEN LIGHTS ON?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b49l0m/a_man_lies_on_his_deathbed_surrounded_by_his/
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A sex robot during sex.

You really know how to push my buttons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b49jrk/a_sex_robot_during_sex/
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My grandma asked for a comedian rather than a priest on her deathbed

Given she's currently on her death bed, please share your finest jokes I can send her off with.
Thanks r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b49jqu/my_grandma_asked_for_a_comedian_rather_than_a/
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What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?

A chalkboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b49hin/what_is_white_when_its_dirty_and_black_when_its/
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I'm part of a big band group called The Megabytes.

Our thousandth member recently joined, finally readying us for our debut live performance.
It'll be our first gig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b49ful/im_part_of_a_big_band_group_called_the_megabytes/
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I wanted to make a joke to my buddy about Indian food...

But he was having naan of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b49esu/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_to_my_buddy_about_indian/
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Never get into a romantic relationship with a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b49ecy/never_get_into_a_romantic_relationship_with_a/
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I used to be Muslim, but then I took an arrow to the knee...

Now I Muslimp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4981t/i_used_to_be_muslim_but_then_i_took_an_arrow_to/
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There was a line drawing competition going on in Las Vegas...

The goal of the competition was to make the straightest line (7 ft long) with the weirdest material. Bobby Jay, a contestant, wanted to wow the judges so he could win the competition. So he decided to do something different.
Bobby wanted to make his line out of fruit punch, never seen before. When he started making his line, he ran into a problem. That problem was that it was hard to draw a line with fruit punch.
When the judges saw his excuse for a line they were silent. Finally one spoke up. “Is this a joke, cause that’s one bad punch line.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b493jc/there_was_a_line_drawing_competition_going_on_in/
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What is Mario's favorite type of insurance?

DentalDentalDental

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b492lk/what_is_marios_favorite_type_of_insurance/
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Mu girlfriend said she has been cheating on me with my friend.

I can't fucking believe her. I have got a friend?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4921p/mu_girlfriend_said_she_has_been_cheating_on_me/
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Every time I see a naked person, they turn me on.

I’m a shower head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b491tw/every_time_i_see_a_naked_person_they_turn_me_on/
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Why do people from Alabama not have a family tree?

Because there it's called a family ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b48xw2/why_do_people_from_alabama_not_have_a_family_tree/
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A Southern waitress asks the couple at her table...

Making small talk, the southern waitress asks the couple at her table “Where y’all from?”  The lady looks at her and replies “We come from a place where we know better than to send a sentence with a preposition.”
The waitress thinks about that for a second. “Okay, where y’all from, bitch?”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b48wvx/a_southern_waitress_asks_the_couple_at_her_table/
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A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....

It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.
A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked.
"Yep! They're finally dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b48uko/a_mans_inlaws_are_causing_him_severe_stress/
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You know a blonde is having a bad day...

When she has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b48syh/you_know_a_blonde_is_having_a_bad_day/
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I was driving down the road when I passed a strip club that advertised it had "high caliber women".

To this day I still can't understand why they wouldn't want someone under 45 working there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b48rk5/i_was_driving_down_the_road_when_i_passed_a_strip/
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What happens when you call a duck?

His phone wings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b48qgq/what_happens_when_you_call_a_duck/
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What do you call a religious Pokemon?

A PikaJew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b48oyg/what_do_you_call_a_religious_pokemon/
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A man lost in the desert with his camel

Every day he gets lonelier and lonelier, when it gets to the point he decides he is going to have sex with his camel, but he couldn't reach, so every day he would try and try again to have sex with his camel standing on hills and on rocks but the camel would just try to run away. until one day, he comes across a beautiful woman, she asks for some water and will give anything in return so he says, can you hold my camel?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b48o39/a_man_lost_in_the_desert_with_his_camel/
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A couple in an old people’s home we’re having an argument, Margaret found out Egbert had been cheating. Egbert did love a handjob.

Margaret said to Egbert ‘What does Dorothy have that I don’t?
Egbert replied ‘Parkinsons’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b48jbz/a_couple_in_an_old_peoples_home_were_having_an/
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I can't believe how many people don't understand erectile dysfunction.

I mean, it's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b480ox/i_cant_believe_how_many_people_dont_understand/
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"Dad, why's my brother named Cameron?"

"Because your mother loves romance and it's an anagram."
"Thanks dad."
"Sure thing Alan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b47xb4/dad_whys_my_brother_named_cameron/
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A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam.  People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"
Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery.  Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.
This all changed one fateful spring day.  The magician arrived in Barcelona to perform the last show in this seasons tour, only to find out that he hadn't sold a single ticket yet.
Devastated, he took to the streets to perform and hopefully drum up some interest in his show.  Everywhere he went the people would hardly look at him, no one would shake his hand, watch his performance, or even acknowledge his increasingly desperate carnival barker-esque calls for attention.
No one gave any attention to his tricks, not the moving mark, the blinking blot, or the blue to black bamboozle.
The magician gave up late afternoon when he got hungry and found an old man with a food cart.
Frustration was visible on the magicians face so the old man asks "what's got you down?", the magician responds "I've been selling out shows throughout Europe but here people won't even take 30 seconds to watch my Stupefying Signature trick, no one will shake my hand or even look at me, if I'd have known I would never have come here".
The old man smiled kindly and told him "do not be hard on yourself, there's no way you could have known, my friend"
"Why do you say that?" inquired the magician?
"Because no one expects the Spanish Ink Wizard Shun"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b47m43/a_magician_is_traveling_through_europe_performing/
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Still can't get it..

I'm Albanian and I moved to the US in 1996. My absolute favorite fruits are peaches.
The way it's pronounced, peach in Albanian means pussy. Which sucks because as a teenager there was no way I'd be asking for some damn pussy around the house..
Got over that language issue... But now  I'm grown and married and sure enough ain't getting pussy now so... Peaches it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b47l0d/still_cant_get_it/
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Every time I'm tasked with assassinating an Indian target, I fail.

Some bastard with a laser sight always beats me to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b47jvg/every_time_im_tasked_with_assassinating_an_indian/
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A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "Free".
The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bartender replies "Free".
The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b47iyo/a_guy_walks_into_the_bar_of_a_restaurant_and_goes/
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I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b47i4u/i_was_having_sex_with_my_friends_wife_the_phone/
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Why can’t pirates sing the alphabet?

Because they get lost at sea!
(My friend told me this idk if someone else posted before)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b47hva/why_cant_pirates_sing_the_alphabet/
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I'm never smoking with illegal immigrants again!

I asked who had the papers and everyone ran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b47ht7/im_never_smoking_with_illegal_immigrants_again/
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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b47hgv/the_nurse_at_the_sperm_bank_asked_me_if_id_like/
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A teacher has his students write an essay on, "What is bravery?" - one kid's entire essay was:

"That first time when this joke was told and one kid turned in his essay and it just said *"This is"* on it. That was classic!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b479ca/a_teacher_has_his_students_write_an_essay_on_what/
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What makes incest okay?

say, “no chromo” before hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b478zx/what_makes_incest_okay/
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3 guys are in a bar. First guy says, "Guys you know, my arms are really small.

I think I might have the world's tiniest arms." Second guy says, "That's weird, I reckon my head is like, the smallest head". The third guy goes "Guys, my dick is really small actually, I might just have the tiniest dick" The first man says "Do you know what guys, we should go down to the Guinness world records office and see if we do for real." So they go down to the Guinness office, first guy goes in. 10 minutes later he comes out and says "Guys, it's official. I got the world's tiniest arms". Second guy goes in, after 10 minutes comes out, "Guys! I have the world's tiniest head" he says. They tell the next guy to go in, he goes in, and 20 minutes go by until he comes back. He's just steaming with anger. He throws his fist down and yells "Who the Fuck is (the person reading this)!! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b47691/3_guys_are_in_a_bar_first_guy_says_guys_you_know/
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Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

They couldn’t budget
Eventually they did work it out with a pencil though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b472z3/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_accountant/
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In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4714t/in_a_speech_two_days_ago_prime_minister_theresa/
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What do midget skaters and couples with children have in common?

Mini-Vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b46rzy/what_do_midget_skaters_and_couples_with_children/
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What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasorass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b46qrp/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
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Did you hear about the blind cartographer who groped his coworker?

He has no sense of boundaries...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b46qq9/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_cartographer_who/
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Little Johnny

was blessed with a 12 inch penis at 13 y.o
4 days later the priest was arrested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b46nfo/little_johnny/
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Lost goat

So these two redneck guys are walking through a forest and hunting for squirrels and rodents and shit. They come across a giant sink hole in a wide open cut of the forest. One redneck says to the other “ I wonder how deep this here hole is.” The other redneck says “let’s find something to throw in the hole then we can tell how deep it is.” So they look around and one of them finds an old transmission covered with dirt and grass. So they drag it over to the hole and push it in. It gets sucked down the hole and disappears. Then all of the sudden a goat starts running towards the hole at 200mph and goes straight into the hole. A couple minutes later a farmer walks out of the forest and starts talking to the rednecks and says “have you guys seen my goat?” One of the rednecks replies “it’s funny you say that we actually just saw a goat running.” The farmer then replied “probably not, I tied my goat to an old transmission.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b46ji8/lost_goat/
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They banned me from the school talent show.

But i know they were just salty, because they knew they couldnt make their clothes disappear as well as i did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b46ilw/they_banned_me_from_the_school_talent_show/
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My friend sneaked up behind me, and hit me over the head with a block of cheese

I said “Oh that’s very mature.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b46efl/my_friend_sneaked_up_behind_me_and_hit_me_over/
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My neighbors love my drum playing so much

that they threw a brick through my window so they could hear it better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b46c12/my_neighbors_love_my_drum_playing_so_much/
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I tried to buy a lighter on EBay

But all I found was 379,786 matches...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b46at5/i_tried_to_buy_a_lighter_on_ebay/
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I'm like olive oil...

Extra virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b466nj/im_like_olive_oil/
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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!”
Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b460mc/ten_catholic_priests_all_die_in_a_bus_accident/
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What do you call a slutty stewardess?

The cockpit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b45vvm/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_stewardess/
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Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b45sbg/old_german_joke/
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Somebody says video games don't have any impact on your psyche. I can't agree with that.

My Ex-girlfriend played Tetris a lot in her childhood.
She's still waiting for a long stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b45r4j/somebody_says_video_games_dont_have_any_impact_on/
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A certain couple was married for about 20 years and whenever they had sex..

...the husband insisted on turning off the lights.
After 20 years, the wife felt that turning off the lights was stupid and decided it was time to end with non-sense once and for all.
One night while they were doing it, she quickly turns on the light and when she looked down saw her husband holding a vibrator.
Completely devastated she yelled. " You impotent son of bi\*\*\*!! Where did you get the guts to lie to me all this years? You better start explaining yourself right now!"
And the husband calmly says. "I will explain the vibrator...If you can explain the children!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b45moq/a_certain_couple_was_married_for_about_20_years/
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When I went to Poland I saw the greatest dancing group in the country

When my wife asked what I did there I told her I saw the worlds best pole dancers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b45mk7/when_i_went_to_poland_i_saw_the_greatest_dancing/
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A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do.
Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b45mj4/a_woman_walks_into_a_drugstore_and_asks_the/
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What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b45k1a/what_do_sea_monsters_eat/
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There are rules in Hell,

People who killed one another, will be submerged by the blood of the victim in hell.
Once death was inspecting hell, he saw Lavrentiy Beria, Marshal of the Soviet Union, standing with blood only to his knees. Death ask," You've killed thousands when you're alive, how come you only have blood to your knees?"
Beria answered," Its because im standing on the shoulders of our great leader Stalin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b45i4k/there_are_rules_in_hell/
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I was going to be a sperm donor for a friend

But I pulled out at the last second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b45ex4/i_was_going_to_be_a_sperm_donor_for_a_friend/
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John is walking through the forest and sees a guy sitting on top of a tree.

The guy has his hands forward like holding a handlebar and going " Vrooom, Vrooom, Vrooooooommm "
John is confused but keeps moving forward and comes across another man on a tree ahead doing the same thing. He too has his hands infront of him like holding an imaginary handlebar and going " Vroom, Vroom "
John is more confused now and goes forward and lo and behold another guy on another tree doing the same thing. This goes on and he sees a couple more men as he keeps on moving forward doing the same thing.
Finally he comes across a guy sitting atop a tree just chilling and lazing about. John finally relieved to see some sanity asks the guy, "What the hell is going on back there? Why is everyone acting the way they are and making weird 'Vroom Vroom' noises?"
The guy hearing this gets into the pose with a start and curses "Fuck me the race already begun?" and starts going "Vroom, Vroom, Vroooommm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b45e6q/john_is_walking_through_the_forest_and_sees_a_guy/
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Why do nuns wear the same outfit every day?

It's a habit.
(I made this one up. I doubt I am the first to do it. )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b45e04/why_do_nuns_wear_the_same_outfit_every_day/
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What did the optometrist say when he walked into another doctor's prostate exam

How many fingers is he holding up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b458mv/what_did_the_optometrist_say_when_he_walked_into/
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What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4560v/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
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Drunk Biker

A drunk biker wanders into a lesbian bar,
Leaning against the bar orders a beer and  says to the bartender  "do you wanna hear a good blonde joke "
Now  the bartender  says "  Hey buddy think about this , Your in  a our bar , and that woman over there the blonde is a UFC heavy weight  champ. That blonde over there  is a 4 Dan black belt. That blonde over there is a Olympic boxing champ.   Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke.?"
The biker takes along sip of beer thinks for a sec and replies : Nahhhh  not if I gotta explain it 3 times. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b452jc/drunk_biker/
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What's something you can say during sex or at a funeral?

I'm sorry. Were you close?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b452dh/whats_something_you_can_say_during_sex_or_at_a/
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What's the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer balls- they're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b451tx/whats_the_cheapest_kind_of_meat/
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Dad joke: What's blue and doesn't weigh very much?

Light blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b451l4/dad_joke_whats_blue_and_doesnt_weigh_very_much/
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These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven

When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy.
Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b451hz/these_three_guys_die_together_in_a_tragic/
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Biker

checks into a motel. tells the clerk to find him a tall skinny hooker . No tits no ass he says .
The clerk says Ill see what I can do .
About a hour later there's a knock on the door and there is a tall skinny hooker .
Ok says the biker  come in  and take off all your clothes.
She does and says I'm ready honey .
Biker looks at her and says Yup your skinny enough    . Ok now get on your hands and knees and face  me.
Ohh  babe your kinky  says the hooker as she gets  down.
Then the biker goes to the bathroom door opens it and brings out a huge   Rottweiler.
Heyyy says the Hooker I'm not into this.
Shhhhh says the biker as he walks the dog over to her .
Points to her  and says to the dog . Now look asshole that's what your going to look like if you don't eat your Alpo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b44v0x/biker/
%
Two deer were leaving a gay bar...

One turned to the other and said, "Man, I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b44tfr/two_deer_were_leaving_a_gay_bar/
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I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus from Amazon that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b44rxg/i_finally_bought_the_limited_edition_thesaurus/
%
I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b44poa/i_was_playing_video_games_last_night_while_my_son/
%
I saw a police officer on the news and he said "we will never forget about 911"

I thought, you better not, it's your fucking phone number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b44nun/i_saw_a_police_officer_on_the_news_and_he_said_we/
%
Two American journalists are in London.

Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and to the the point.
"Interesting",  said the American journ'o, "can you give us an example?"
"Well", said the UK guy, "take this crime that happened yesterday, a mental patient escapes from the local funny farm, enters a laundry, rapes one of the washer women and runs off. What headline would you use?"
The two thought for a moment and said."  Maniac sexually assaults laundry worker and escapes".
"See," Says the UK guy, "too long".
"what's your headline then?",  said the American.
The UK guy smiles and said,  "Nut screws washer and bolts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b44ksw/two_american_journalists_are_in_london/
%
What's the difference between my girlfriend and a roommate?

Roommates occasionally have sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b44kac/whats_the_difference_between_my_girlfriend_and_a/
%
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b44k5h/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
%
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?

They're really making headlines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b44hr9/have_you_heard_about_these_new_corduroy_pillow/
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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b44g30/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_runny_nose/
%
Why couldn't the Wong brothers get their prototype plane to fly?

Because two Wongs don't make a Wright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b44ea2/why_couldnt_the_wong_brothers_get_their_prototype/
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What do you call someone who has had their legs blown off?

Defeated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b44bpn/what_do_you_call_someone_who_has_had_their_legs/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b44ajw/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
I wish more people were into Solipsism.

Seems like it's only me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b446u3/i_wish_more_people_were_into_solipsism/
%
I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b446kk/ive_never_really_understood_it_why_would_you/
%
When the pope brags about the number of choir boys he's met

Weird pontiflex but okay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b443uc/when_the_pope_brags_about_the_number_of_choir/
%
Men's brains

My girlfriend told me that Men's brains are all in their penises. I told her that I like it when she blows my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b442sq/mens_brains/
%
My wife threw coffee remnants at me this morning

My lawyer says I have grounds for divorce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b44238/my_wife_threw_coffee_remnants_at_me_this_morning/
%
Two guys walk into a bar.

Which is weird. You’d think the second guy would have seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b43ya5/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you get if you cross Titanic with Sixth Sense?

Icy dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b43y54/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_titanic_with_sixth/
%
A dude goes to the doctor and says "I have a tiny penis"

The doctor says "don't worry", but when the dude pulls his pants down the Doc erupts with laughter!
"Oh God you wren't joking were you? Anyway what seems to be the problem?" says the Doc.
"It's really swollen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b43w54/a_dude_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_i_have_a_tiny/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a huge plus...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b43vo7/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
"If they fire me IM GONNA KILL SOMEONE"

Said the bullet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b43sqj/if_they_fire_me_im_gonna_kill_someone/
%
I met a mugger in northern Germany.

He said "Hannover your wallet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b43sb2/i_met_a_mugger_in_northern_germany/
%
The boss to the employees: "You came two hours late to work, do you have an explanation for it?"

"Yes, I become a mother."
"Congratulations, when's the baby due?"
"In 9 months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b43o7p/the_boss_to_the_employees_you_came_two_hours_late/
%
My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?"

"A fucking power cut" ....was apparently was the wrong answer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b43jea/my_wife_asked_me_earlier_before_going_to_the/
%
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b43ir3/i_went_trick_or_treating_as_gandhi_and_kept_all/
%
Patient: Doc, I'm worried. This is my first surgery.

Doc: Me too!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b43fym/patient_doc_im_worried_this_is_my_first_surgery/
%
I told a girl I wanted to show her my schlong...

After she saw it, she said looks more like a schmall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b43dqf/i_told_a_girl_i_wanted_to_show_her_my_schlong/
%
A muscle cell walks into a bar

Muscle cell *coughs and sneezes*
Bartender "oh my god, what did you contract?"
Muscle cell "Nah I was only Actin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b43c0h/a_muscle_cell_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call an intelligent idiot?

An oxymoron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b43bcw/what_do_you_call_an_intelligent_idiot/
%
"What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?"

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b436kz/whats_the_difference_between_a_northern_fairytale/
%
A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"
The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip your finger into the holy water, and you may pass through the gate."
The second girl, Kelly, says "I once fondled with one..." st Peter replies "alright, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a commotion amongst the group and one of the girls pushes her way to the front. St Peter says "Jennifer! what's the rush?"
The girl replies "if I'm going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Tammy sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b43596/a_train_ploughs_into_the_side_of_a_catholic_girls/
%
A man goes to see a fortune teller.

She begins "your name is Steve", "wrong".
"Your favourite colour is green", "wrong".
"You have a dead uncle who passed away 2 years ago", "wrong".
"Your wife's name is Carol", "wrong".
"You have 2 children named John and Christian", "wrong".
"You are a painte...", "wrong".
Getting flustered the woman asks "What in bloody hell do you do then?"
"I investigate fraud".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b432h1/a_man_goes_to_see_a_fortune_teller/
%
When I was little, my Mom would always tell me: "If something's hot, blow on it."

On a side note, I just got arrested for sexual harassment today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b431id/when_i_was_little_my_mom_would_always_tell_me_if/
%
The worst part of having gay parents

:
You are either stuck with an endless supply of dadjokes or an endless loop of "Go ask your mom".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b42ui5/the_worst_part_of_having_gay_parents/
%
What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet ?

A desserter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b42tov/what_do_you_call_someone_who_cant_stick_with_a/
%
A professor, a CEO and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b42tiz/a_professor_a_ceo_and_a_janitor_are_in_a_forest/
%
A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,
"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be Christian."
He said: "That doesn't bother me any!"
She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being Christine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b42san/a_girl_and_guy_are_laying_in_bed_after_sex/
%
Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon?

The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b42q70/who_would_win_at_scrabble_between_a_squirrel_and/
%
People argue that whether gender and sex are the same thing

I can I show you that they are not.
I have a gender but I have never had sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b42odp/people_argue_that_whether_gender_and_sex_are_the/
%
A man goes to his doctor and asks for a sex change

Man: “I can’t stand this any longer. I want a sex change and I want it right now!”
Doctor: “Slow down. This is a long, complex process and we’ll need to take it one step at a time.”
Man: “Fine, but at least get the balls rolling.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b42kxf/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor_and_asks_for_a_sex_change/
%
I'm glad we have that sex offender registry.

Without, It would be so much harder to find new, like-minded friends in the neighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b42eem/im_glad_we_have_that_sex_offender_registry/
%
What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b41wcv/whats_white_on_top_and_black_on_the_bottom/
%
I don't believe that the Moon Landing ever happened.

I mean, come on. The Moon is huge; if it had landed, it would've squished all of the astronauts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b41mxw/i_dont_believe_that_the_moon_landing_ever_happened/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A ripoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b41mur/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Look ladies, if a guy says he's going to fix something, he's going to fix it.

No need to remind him every 6 months about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b41mnu/look_ladies_if_a_guy_says_hes_going_to_fix/
%
A person falls down in a race...

He was defeeted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b41ij1/a_person_falls_down_in_a_race/
%
When I was out today, I saw a phone on the table outside a coffee shop that had been left there, so I pocketed it. It started to ring....

I took it out of my pocket and the caller I.D. said 'Mom'.
I put it back on the table and slowly backed away.
How the fuck did she know I was up to no good?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b41i8y/when_i_was_out_today_i_saw_a_phone_on_the_table/
%
So I was going down on my grandmother the other day

I tasted horse semen. I thought to myself "so that's how she died".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b41cxf/so_i_was_going_down_on_my_grandmother_the_other/
%
If you nut on a dead person

Are you ghost busting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4190b/if_you_nut_on_a_dead_person/
%
How do you repair a relationship between two mentally ill people?

Crazy Glue...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b417ww/how_do_you_repair_a_relationship_between_two/
%
Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn’t want to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b417iy/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
What do you call an army of babies?

An infantry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b415wa/what_do_you_call_an_army_of_babies/
%
I hate going to the dentist.

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b414zh/i_hate_going_to_the_dentist/
%
I cant believe the amount of people that don't understand erectile dysfunction.

I mean its just not that hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b411dj/i_cant_believe_the_amount_of_people_that_dont/
%
3 Animals Feast

A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay;
The skunk didn’t have a scent,
The deer didn’t have a buck,
So they put the meal on the duck’s bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b40v2m/3_animals_feast/
%
A friend once asked what I would do if my child turned out to be a flat-earther and I was dumbfounded

Still amazed that there are dumb nuts out there who think the planet is round and shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b40sdm/a_friend_once_asked_what_i_would_do_if_my_child/
%
What would Israel be called if it ever gets conquered?

Wasrael

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b40o52/what_would_israel_be_called_if_it_ever_gets/
%
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

Well they couldn't close his casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b40nbz/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_died_of_a_viagra/
%
The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book

“How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?” He asks
The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.
“Because...” he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, “...only 90’s kids remember the 90’s”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b40lmr/the_year_is_2540_a_student_notices_something_odd/
%
Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers.

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b40et8/fact_a_lot_of_women_turn_into_good_drivers/
%
Taking a day off

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b40e8j/taking_a_day_off/
%
My 9 year old daughter is starting to ask me some really embarrassing questions about sex that I dont want to answer

I mean, just yesterday she asked me “is that the best you can do?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b40baw/my_9_year_old_daughter_is_starting_to_ask_me_some/
%
A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249."
The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar."
The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4080f/a_marine_a_navy_seal_and_a_delta_force_member_are/
%
Why did the bald guy leave the wig shop without a wig?

because he forgot toupee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4078m/why_did_the_bald_guy_leave_the_wig_shop_without_a/
%
I Thought Opening A Door For A Lady Was The Polite Thing To Do

But She Just Screamed And Flew Out Of The Airplane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b403gy/i_thought_opening_a_door_for_a_lady_was_the/
%
A hillbilly introduces himself to his neighbor

Hillbilly: "Howdy neighbor, I see you moved into the holler and as a welcoming gift, I wanna throw you a party. There will be a lotta drinkin, a lotta dancing, and a lotta screwing"
Neighbor: "Oh that sounds great, what can I bring?"
Hillbilly: "Well, you can bring anything you'd like, it's just gonna be you and me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b4030h/a_hillbilly_introduces_himself_to_his_neighbor/
%
What's the difference between, anything serious, and 25 unwashed homeless Juggalo dicks?

Yo momma never takes anything serious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3zt7o/whats_the_difference_between_anything_serious_and/
%
Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3zsfw/courtesy_of_my_seven_yearold_son_what_do_cows/
%
My band is hosting a benefit concert for women with no legs.

The place will be crawling with pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3znso/my_band_is_hosting_a_benefit_concert_for_women/
%
A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.
"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and says, "I wish I was a king."
Nate says, "That's easy!" slaps his tail on the ground, and a horse-drawn carriage arrives, with a driver, who leaps down and hands the guy a scepter and a crown, and holds the door open for the guy.
The guy gets in and thanks Nate, who asks "Alright, what's your final wish?"
The guy says, "I wish this desert was a beautiful kingdom, with green rolling hills, and a magnificent castle for me to live in."
Nate thinks about it and says, "Well, that's kind of a lot. Tell ya what, I'll fulfill your final wish, but somewhere in your kingdom I'm gonna hide a lever. And if that lever is switched to the off position, all your wishes will disappear and you'll be back crawling through the desert. Is that fair?"
The guy agrees, Nate slaps his tail on the ground and the desert is transformed into a beautiful kingdom with green rolling hills and a magnificent castle off in the distance. So the guy gets into the carriage and tells the driver to set off for the castle. They start moving along at a pretty good clip when suddenly they hit a bump and the driver goes flying off.
So the guy is freaking out, he climbs up to the driver seat and grabs the reigns but the horses won't slow down. He's pulling hard for them to stop, when he sees Nate up ahead right next to a big lever in the middle of the road. Not having time to think, he pulls hard to the left, dodging the lever and running the horses off the road where the carriage crashes and sends the guy flying.
He comes to surrounded by townsfolk worried that their king is injured, but he's alright. He gets up and walks over to inspect the lever. It's still in the on position, but next to it is the flattened corpse of the magical talking snake.
One of the townspeople comes up to him and ask, "Why? Why, m'Lord? Why did you run over the magical snake?"
The guy looks down, and under his breath he mutters, "Better Nate than lever."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3zlu1/a_guy_is_crawling_through_the_desert_about_to_die/
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Self depreciation is the best type of depreciation

Because you don't lose anything of value.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3zl6u/self_depreciation_is_the_best_type_of_depreciation/
%
How do we know that the planet Mars has an active reddit account?

Because it has no life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3zjy8/how_do_we_know_that_the_planet_mars_has_an_active/
%
I think my friend might be gay

I went over to his house to watch Lord of the Rings, anyway do you remember how it begins with Bilbo celebrating his 111th birthday in the shire, reuniting with his old friend, Gandalf, Bilbo reveals that he intends to leave the Shire for one last adventure, and he leaves his inheritance, including the Ring, to his nephew, Frodo. And how Bilbo has begun to become corrupted by the Ring and tries to keep it for himself, then Gandalf intervenes. Gandalf, suspicious of the Ring, tells Frodo to keep it secret and to keep it safe. Gandalf then investigates the Ring, discovers its true identity, and returns to warn Frodo. Gandalf also learns that Gollum was tortured by Orcs, and that Gollum uttered two words during his torture: "Shire" and "Baggins." Gandalf instructs Frodo to leave the Shire, accompanied by his gardener Samwise. Anyway while all that was happening my friend was sucking some guy's dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3zjtu/i_think_my_friend_might_be_gay/
%
I just found out I’m colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3zdyi/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/
%
Ripening the tomatoes

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem.
The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red."
The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red.
The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3zc9n/ripening_the_tomatoes/
%
I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3zbi8/i_offer_my_kids_500_for_every_a_on_their_report/
%
The perfect girl

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3z8cn/the_perfect_girl/
%
What’s the hardest thing about being an anti-vaxxer?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
And the mumps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3z81g/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_being_an_antivaxxer/
%
(Old and not mine) A man dies and goes to heaven

When he gets there he sees a wall of immeasurable proportions made entirely of clocks with a gate in the center. He sees an angel in front of the gate so he asks
“What do all of these clocks represent?”
To which the angel replies,
“These are the clocks of man, every person that has ever lived has a clock, their clock ticks once every time that person lies.”
So the man asks in curiosity,
“Who’s clock is whose?”
The angel says back in a graceful voice, pointing to certain clocks as they speak
“This is Abraham Lincolns clock, it has only ticked 2 times. This is Mother Teresa’s clock, it has never ticked once.”
So the man asks,
“Where is Hillary Clintons clock?”
To which the angel responds with the same gracefulness still,
“That one would be in Jesus’ office, it’s being used as a ceiling fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3z7io/old_and_not_mine_a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to make a vehicle out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3z0ln/my_mom_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_was_going_to/
%
My wife is divorcing me because I refused to buy her some new bras.

Her attorney calls it “failure to support”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3yxsw/my_wife_is_divorcing_me_because_i_refused_to_buy/
%
Where do one legged workers work?

Ihop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3yvy9/where_do_one_legged_workers_work/
%
What’s the difference between a cactus and a BMW

The BMW has the pricks on the inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3yvxs/whats_the_difference_between_a_cactus_and_a_bmw/
%
Someone broke into my house last night.

They stole everything except my towels, soap, deodorant, and shampoo!
Dirty Bastards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ytw2/someone_broke_into_my_house_last_night/
%
Today I went to visit my dead grandparents but I accidentally visited the wrong tomb

It was a grave mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3yssl/today_i_went_to_visit_my_dead_grandparents_but_i/
%
One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"
"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3yr9z/one_day_a_zookeeper_noticed_a_chimpanzee_reading/
%
I asked my mom, "How much is a couple?"

"A small number. 4, maybe 5," she replied.
Probably explains why I don't know my father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3yoqf/i_asked_my_mom_how_much_is_a_couple/
%
I made up a dance about an old guy and a kid going on an adventure and asked everyone to name the movie it’s based on.

Someone just guessed it. The jig is Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3yo1a/i_made_up_a_dance_about_an_old_guy_and_a_kid/
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3 Old-timers Were Discussing Problems of Old Age

The first one had urinary problems and said “It’s really terrible because I’m always
having to get up in the middle of the night to pee..and then other nights I need to pee
but nothing comes out. I’d give anything to just be able to pee normally.”
The second guy had elimination issues. “Jayz I’d give anything to be able to sit down and
take a normal dump. It’s always slow and painful and what comes out are like rocks. How I wish I could
just have one normal crap.”
The third guy says “Gee I’m so sorry you guys are suffering like this. With me, its quite a different problem.
Every morning at exactly 6am, I have a terrific pee without difficulty. The stream is long and
powerful and it feels great. And, at the same time, I always have a tremendous dump, laying a nice
stretch of cable that’s soft and comes out easily all at once.”
The other two looked at each other and then back at their friend in puzzlement.
“So what’s the problem then,” one inquired, “Sounds  perfect to me.”
“Well, you see, my alarm doesn’t wake me up until 7am.”
“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3yn3a/3_oldtimers_were_discussing_problems_of_old_age/
%
What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef strokin' off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3yh3h/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
%
How does a ghost open locked doors?

With a Spoooooky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ygf3/how_does_a_ghost_open_locked_doors/
%
Why is an elephants leg considered a sexual organ in India?

When it steps on you, you’re fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3yffd/why_is_an_elephants_leg_considered_a_sexual_organ/
%
What do you call it when the Annoying Orange tells lies?

Pulp Fiction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3yer9/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_annoying_orange/
%
This sub is extremely environmentally friendly

It only uses recycled jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3yeb5/this_sub_is_extremely_environmentally_friendly/
%
Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ydrn/scientists_have_discovered_that_there_is/
%
Better Easter Joke

Three blondes die and find themselves at the Pearly Gates. Before I can let you into Heaven, says St. Peter, you need to answer one question. "What is Easter?"
The first blonde says "Easter is that time in the fall when you go door-to-door and people give you candy." "No" says St. Peter "That is Halloween. Begone."
The second blonde says "Easter is that time in the winter when all the nice men give you presents for being good." "No" say St. Peter "That is Christmas. Begone."
The third blonde then tries to answer. "Easter is that time in the spring when we celebrate our Lord Jesus Christ who died for our sins on the Cross and was taken down and laid in a tomb and on the third day he arose from the dead and came out of the tomb." "Very good" says St. Peter. And then the blonde adds "And if he sees his shadow there is six more weeks of winter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3y8yo/better_easter_joke/
%
Everyone keeps talking about how Rosa Parks stood up for civil rights.

I thought the whole point was that they DIDN'T stand up??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3y8mk/everyone_keeps_talking_about_how_rosa_parks_stood/
%
What kind of meat does a priest eat on Friday?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3y7j1/what_kind_of_meat_does_a_priest_eat_on_friday/
%
What’s the dirtiest country?

GERMany

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3y782/whats_the_dirtiest_country/
%
My lesbian neighbours gave me a Rolex for my birthday

I don't think they understood when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3y4lm/my_lesbian_neighbours_gave_me_a_rolex_for_my/
%
I was telling a suicide joke today when I realized...

It really killed the mood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3y0fx/i_was_telling_a_suicide_joke_today_when_i_realized/
%
What is the only car that can actually get you girls?

A pickup truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3y04d/what_is_the_only_car_that_can_actually_get_you/
%
Did you hear about the movie about the man who smashes kid’s toys?

I hear it’s a real blockbuster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3xywi/did_you_hear_about_the_movie_about_the_man_who/
%
There was a young sailor from Brighton

Who remarked to his girl, "you're a tight one."
She replied " 'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3xw96/there_was_a_young_sailor_from_brighton/
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Bought some shoes off my drug dealer

I dont know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3xtj9/bought_some_shoes_off_my_drug_dealer/
%
Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment.

The conversation got rocky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3xsxj/had_a_conversation_with_a_miner_about_the_effects/
%
Whilst working out earlier I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in

But apparently she doesnt like that, and now I'm banned from my gym.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3xs6i/whilst_working_out_earlier_i_found_a_hole_in_my/
%
The dollar sign ($) was introduced in 1788

It was a simpler time back then.  Everyone had common cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3xrwt/the_dollar_sign_was_introduced_in_1788/
%
Is it easy to get a job at a restaurant?

I don’t have a lot of work experience, so ideally I’d be looking for an entree-level position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3xpko/is_it_easy_to_get_a_job_at_a_restaurant/
%
What happens if your car breaks down in the Mushroom Kingdom?

It gets Toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3xmd8/what_happens_if_your_car_breaks_down_in_the/
%
Define: Brexit

GB is acting like the drunken guest, who tells everybody on the party to fuck off, but doesn't go home, because he can't drive anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3xkwf/define_brexit/
%
I'm so broke, all the last guy that broke into my house got..

was experience...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3xkng/im_so_broke_all_the_last_guy_that_broke_into_my/
%
What is an assasin’s favourite cryptocurrency payment method?

Hitcoin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3xjbn/what_is_an_assasins_favourite_cryptocurrency/
%
I have a joke about leprosy...

But it would probably fall apart at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3xgj3/i_have_a_joke_about_leprosy/
%
If you're scared of Paedophiles....

....then grow up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3x79c/if_youre_scared_of_paedophiles/
%
What do you call an Irishman who likes men and women?

Birish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3x6yp/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_who_likes_men_and/
%
I only hire Claustrophobic people,

they are so much better at thinking outside of the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3x3fx/i_only_hire_claustrophobic_people/
%
A man goes to get his wisdom teeth cut out

and the oral surgeon tells him he’s going to give him something for the pain. The man says I don’t need it the last time I felt pain was so intense I haven’t felt pain since. The oral surgeon takes this as a challenge and intentionally tries to hurt the man while he cuts his wisdom teeth out. When he finishes he looks at his patient and says damn you didn’t even flinch and I was intentionally trying to be rough and hurt you. The man replies I told you the last time I felt pain it was the worst pain you could possible imagine and I haven’t felt pain since. The doctor ask the man what happened to him. The man replies well I was hunting one time and I had to take a shit so I found a tree pulled my pants down and squatted  and when I did a bear trap clamp shut on my nut sack. The doctor said that is probably the worst pain you could possibly endure no wonder you don’t feel pain anymore. The man said no that wasn’t it. The doctor said then what was it. The man said when I ran out of chain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3x2l6/a_man_goes_to_get_his_wisdom_teeth_cut_out/
%
I was thinking about having some kids

But I’ll probably just order a pizza

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3x029/i_was_thinking_about_having_some_kids/
%
The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight

I’m just checking reddit quickly before the kettle boils

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3wy9c/the_neighbors_children_challenged_me_to_a_water/
%
I’m really allergic to pollen

But I feel this spring will be breathtaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3wwki/im_really_allergic_to_pollen/
%
Why do crazy people perform terrible handjobs?

They can’t get a grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3wvuu/why_do_crazy_people_perform_terrible_handjobs/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one asks for one glass, the second asks for half, the third asks for a fourth, and so on. The bartender puts 2 glasses on the counter and says “Sort it out yourselves”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3wua6/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
Two Dragons walk into a bar

Dragon 1: It's hot in here
Dragon 2: Shut your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3wu61/two_dragons_walk_into_a_bar/
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After years of loneliness, I finaly gathered all my courage to take my ex out

It’s good to be a sniper in the US army

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3wu4f/after_years_of_loneliness_i_finaly_gathered_all/
%
My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.

It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3wqrk/my_dad_has_a_pencil_that_was_once_owned_by/
%
A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3whqn/a_sperm_cell_contains_about_375_mb_of_information/
%
What do David Duke and Johnny Sins have in common?

They are both wizards under the sheets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3wg62/what_do_david_duke_and_johnny_sins_have_in_common/
%
To be Frank

I'd have to change my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3w991/to_be_frank/
%
A robber broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I woke up to look with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3w76c/a_robber_broke_into_my_house_last_night_looking/
%
A man in an orange jumpsuit breaks into a nice house and ties the couple he finds in the bedroom up.

After tying them up, the husband watches as the man walks over and slowly kisses the wife’s neck, before standing up, walking into the bathroom, and closing the door.
The husband says to his wife, “Look at his jumpsuit - he must’ve just gotten out of prison. I saw how he kissed your neck - you have to let him do whatever he wants, or he’ll hurt us. I’ll be here for you.”
The wife says, “He wasn’t actually kissing my neck... he whispered to me that he thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. Be strong honey!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3w4kq/a_man_in_an_orange_jumpsuit_breaks_into_a_nice/
%
What’s the difference between a raccoon and a lesbian?

One is a snack snatcher, and the other is a snatch snacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3w38w/whats_the_difference_between_a_raccoon_and_a/
%
A bear walk in to a bar

Sits for 10 seconds, then orders a glass of water.
bartender: why the big pause’?
Bear: I was born with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3w1lr/a_bear_walk_in_to_a_bar/
%
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.
The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.
The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night.
In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.
The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.
And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3w0s4/a_perfectly_triangular_lake_has_3_kingdoms_on_its/
%
A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

The bad news is.. including me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3vxnx/a_doctor_says_the_good_news_is_its_all_in_your/
%
I miss going to the store with 1$ as a kid and being able to get a pack of milk, 12 eggs and a lot of candies.

Now they have cameras everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3vo1a/i_miss_going_to_the_store_with_1_as_a_kid_and/
%
So one of my friends is a real up and coming geologist and quite popular with the ladies from what I hear.

Man, that guy's a rockstar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3vnd0/so_one_of_my_friends_is_a_real_up_and_coming/
%
Why do cannibals not eat jews?

Because they're too *hacidic*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3vkxy/why_do_cannibals_not_eat_jews/
%
What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3vk6d/whats_the_toughest_thing_about_being_a_vegan/
%
What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of 4...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3viib/whats_the_difference_between_a_musician_and_a/
%
I hate it when people call me average

It's pretty mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3vifh/i_hate_it_when_people_call_me_average/
%
The Pope, the President, the Smartest Man on Earth, and a Stoner are on a plane.

The pilot comes over the intercom.
"Everyone, we've had some major hardware malfunctions. We're going to have to jump out. There are only 4 parachutes, and there are five of us. I'm the pilot, so I should live."
Before anyone can protest, the pilot grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The president speaks up.
"I am the ruler of the free world, and I need to live through this."
He grabs a parachute and jumps.
The smartest man on earth quickly grabs one as well.
"I'm the world's greatest genius, so I deserve a parachute."
He jumps out, leaving the Pope and the stoner to decide who gets to live.
"You are young and have a good life ahead of you," says the Pope. "I have lived a long and fruitful life, and my time to meet god has finally come. You should take the last parachute."
The stoner laughs.
"Relax, man. That smart dude grabbed my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3vi0c/the_pope_the_president_the_smartest_man_on_earth/
%
Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him.
The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle.
So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang."
The next week, they start bayonet training. Again Sam is at the end of the line and again they run out just before they get to him.
The Sergeant tells him to just pretend he has a bayonet at the end of his pretend rifle. So Sam goes running through the mock battle with his stick yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Stabidy, stab, stab,stab."
Well the unit finished basic training and gets called up to go into real battle.
Our hapless hero finds himself eventually on a landing craft, hitting the beach.
Unfortunately, they have never given him a real rifle and he still has his stick. He is wondering what in the heck he is going to do.
As the unit fights his way inland, Sam mindlessly points his stick at an enemy soldier standing on a hill and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang."
To his amazement, the enemy soldier falls over dead! So he
aims his stick at another and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang."
And that enemy falls over dead!
Now our hero is running madly along, pointing his stick at any enemy soldier he sees, yelling "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang."
Enemy soldiers are dropping like flies! An enemy jumps out from a bush beside him.
Sam points his stick and yells, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." The
other guy drops and writhes in pain.
All of a sudden an enemy soldier comes walking slowly along a path.
Sam carefully aims his stick at the soldier and yells, "Bangidy,
bang, bang, bang." But the enemy soldier just keeps coming.
Sam tries again, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang!" Nothing. As the enemy soldier gets closer, Sam cries out, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab."
But the enemy soldier runs right over him, crushing him.
As Sam lies dying, he hears the enemy soldier muttering, "Tankidy, tank, tank, tank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3vgtd/sam_signs_up_with_the_army_and_gets_sent_on_basic/
%
Recent study shows insanity is hereditary

you get it from your kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3vepl/recent_study_shows_insanity_is_hereditary/
%
Recent study shows that fertility is heriditary.

If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3vbar/recent_study_shows_that_fertility_is_heriditary/
%
How do fortune tellers greet each other?

You’re good, how am I?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3v5ow/how_do_fortune_tellers_greet_each_other/
%
Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?
Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?
Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?
* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water?
* Hunger?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, please call the water addiction hotline, 1-5-STOP-WATER.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3v3oo/do_you_suffer_from_an_addiction_to_water/
%
What's long, hard, and filled with seamen?

A submarine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3v2yu/whats_long_hard_and_filled_with_seamen/
%
Great Easter joke I heard today

**Wife:**  "What are your plans for Easter?"
**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."
**Wife**: "What do you mean?"
**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."
**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."
**Husband**:  "What do you mean?"
**Wife**:  "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"
Husband stayed home all Easter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3v2ig/great_easter_joke_i_heard_today/
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What do you call someone who steals a Tesla?

Felon Musk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3v1qf/what_do_you_call_someone_who_steals_a_tesla/
%
What do you call a Manipulative Music Conductor?

Bachiavellian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3uyzo/what_do_you_call_a_manipulative_music_conductor/
%
What killed all the 1920's gangsters?

hepatitis see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3uvg2/what_killed_all_the_1920s_gangsters/
%
One night a little boy walks in on his parents in the bedroom...

Shocked and surprised the mom jumps off of the dad, throws on a robe and ushers the boy out telling him to go back to bed.
Embarrassed and distraught the next day the mom tries to explain to the boy what was happening. She says "son have you noticed how your daddy's belly has been getting bigger and bigger recently"? He thinks for a second then realizing this is true agrees with his mother.  Then his mother continues, "Last night mommy was trying to push that belly down to make daddy skinny again." The son is confused and replies "well, that's never going to work because as soon as mommy leaves for work, the pretty lady next door comes over and blows it back up again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3utdp/one_night_a_little_boy_walks_in_on_his_parents_in/
%
Exotic Peaches

A man driving down the road sees a sign that says, "EXOTIC PEACHES HERE!" Out of pure curiosity, the man pulls in to see what it's all about.
The owner says, "Welcome, Sir, what's your favorite fruit?"
The man replies, "Umm, well, I guess it would have to be an Orange."
"Ahh, you're in luck, I've got an Orange flavored peach here."
The man confused, bites into the peach. "WOW! That taste just like an orange!"
"That's nothing...try this one! It's peanut butter and jelly!"
"NO WAY!" says that man as he bites into it. "I only taste jelly..."
"Flip it over," says the owner.
The man turns it around and takes a bite. "Holy hell, that is amazing!"
The owner smiles and says, "you'll love this one, it taste like pussy!"
The man in awe says, "I've definitely gotta try that one!" When the man bites into it, he immediately spits it out and says, "This one taste like shit!" The owner winks and says, "Turn it around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3us7h/exotic_peaches/
%
What does an anime firetruck sound like?

owo owo owo owo owo owo owo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ueyl/what_does_an_anime_firetruck_sound_like/
%
What did the vacuum say when he was murdering his boy?

Dyson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3udjr/what_did_the_vacuum_say_when_he_was_murdering_his/
%
"Babe, a tiny penis isn't such a big deal.."

"I don't know Jenny.. I kinda wished you didn't have one at all.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ucp1/babe_a_tiny_penis_isnt_such_a_big_deal/
%
Woman meets a black guy at a bar

They talked for a while then she invited him to her apartment and said: "I want you to show me if what they say about black men is true ;)"
So he stabbed her and took her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3uar7/woman_meets_a_black_guy_at_a_bar/
%
What do you call a gay guy that likes to show off his msucles?

A homoflexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3u79h/what_do_you_call_a_gay_guy_that_likes_to_show_off/
%
Every time my wife and I watch Thor she takes a abnormally long shower afterwards.

I have no idea what she is doing in there but it gives me more time to masturbate to Chris Hemsworth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3u1w3/every_time_my_wife_and_i_watch_thor_she_takes_a/
%
I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.

I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3u023/i_dont_believe_in_bros_before_hoes_or_hoes_before/
%
A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3tzn8/a_doctor_says_the_good_news_is_its_all_in_your/
%
What's the best thing about a prostitute dying on you

The free extra hours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3tq2o/whats_the_best_thing_about_a_prostitute_dying_on/
%
What do you call a lap dance from a girl with 3 or less limbs?

Amputease

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3tp1i/what_do_you_call_a_lap_dance_from_a_girl_with_3/
%
What do you call Blackbeard's lullabies?

ASM-Arr!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3toiz/what_do_you_call_blackbeards_lullabies/
%
So a man from Arizona dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there he asks satan for a blanket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3tmof/so_a_man_from_arizona_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
Husband and wife went for a job interview.

In the evening...
Wife: How was your interview today?
Husband: I was rejected!
Wife: Why?
Husband: Because the first button of my shirt was open.
Wife: Strange! I have been selected for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3tl17/husband_and_wife_went_for_a_job_interview/
%
What’s the future tense of England?

Brexit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3tkx2/whats_the_future_tense_of_england/
%
What did Forrest Gump say to his bowl of pasta?

I love you, penne!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3tj3t/what_did_forrest_gump_say_to_his_bowl_of_pasta/
%
Women are actually turning into good drivers.

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3tbyp/women_are_actually_turning_into_good_drivers/
%
A former proctologist was getting tired of his job and the relentless teasing of his friends...

...so he decided to explore the field of auto mechanics.
He went to an auto trade school to get certified and generally excelled at everything.  After a lengthy time, the day of his final certification test finally arrived.  The former proctologist conducted the hands-on practical and then eagerly awaited his test score.
The next day, he received his score and found it was 150%.  Sure that this was an error, he approached his professor and asked about it.  "No mistake, my dear boy." The professor replied.  "First, I gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the motor.  Then, another 50% for correctly putting it back together.  But the extra 50% is because I've never in my life seen someone do it all through the exhaust pipe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3t99q/a_former_proctologist_was_getting_tired_of_his/
%
I was fat

and had a beer belly so big i couldn't see my toes. so i prayed to be able to see my toes again.
i can now proudly say i am the record holder for the largest feet in the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3t6q4/i_was_fat/
%
Jean suspects her husband is gay

She confronts him about it one day and asks him, “Do you even love me?”
“Of course I do! I love you, Jean!”
She starts crying and screams “I KNEW IT! WHO THE FUCK IS EUGENE?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3t4w2/jean_suspects_her_husband_is_gay/
%
A fathers child just came home from school, his dad said “what did you learn today?” The son replied “We learned two words hypothetically and realistically but I’m not sure what they mean.” He said “go ask your mom and sister if they would sleep with a man for a million dollars.” They both said yes.

His Father said, “Hypothetically we have two million dollars, realistically we live with 2 whores.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3t4mh/a_fathers_child_just_came_home_from_school_his/
%
What did Earth say to the other planets?

Wow you guys have no life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3t12o/what_did_earth_say_to_the_other_planets/
%
A kid was talking to his dad because he was considering a job in organized crime.

The dad replied with "government or private sector"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3sytj/a_kid_was_talking_to_his_dad_because_he_was/
%
A man walks into a bar and asks for 2 drinks

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like two shots of whiskey; one for me and one for my best friend."
The bartender says, "Do you want me to wait until he gets here?"
The guy says, "He's here already," and takes a 6-inch tall man from his pocket and sets him on the bar.
The bartender is amazed and asks, "Are you sure he can take a full shot?"
The guy nods so the bartender pours the shots. Sure enough, the little man takes the shot just fine.  The bartender says, "That's incredible! What else can he do?"
The guy pulls a coin out of his pocket and flips it down the bar. The little man runs down, picks it up, and carries it back. The bartender is shocked. He asks, "Well, can he talk?"
The guy replies, "Of course he can talk! Hey, Charlie, tell the bartender about that time you called that witch doctor an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3sy76/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_2_drinks/
%
My friend Mike is way better with women than I am. When he asks, “You come here often?” he gets her number.

But when I ask it, I get kicked out of the abortion clinic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3sy1k/my_friend_mike_is_way_better_with_women_than_i_am/
%
What do you call a porn actor with bad aim?

Mr Completely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3sxqn/what_do_you_call_a_porn_actor_with_bad_aim/
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Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.
"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?"
"Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!"
The first guy thinks of a solution. "We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do."
His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy.
Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues.
By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well.
The church bursts into hard laughter.
Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two American men leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who spoke English.
"We're well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says.
The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you."
"Yes," replied the other American.
"Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child... and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Edited to add: **thank you** to the kind stranger who gave me my first silver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3sx69/two_americans_are_touring_europe_and_are/
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What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3srgb/what_did_the_selfish_beaver_say_to_the_deer_that/
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My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3sm63/my_friends_laughed_at_me_when_i_told_them_i_had_a/
%
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3sliw/a_priest_has_a_heart_attack_and_is_rushed_to_the/
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Three old friends are sitting on a bench.

First one says "It's windy." Second one says, "No, It's Thursday." Third one says "Me too, let's go get a beer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3skgz/three_old_friends_are_sitting_on_a_bench/
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Mentally tough people are better at this important skill:

>!Resisting clickbait headlines.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3sk25/mentally_tough_people_are_better_at_this/
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A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm fucked...'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''

''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.
''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.
The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.
As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're fucked...''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3sgsj/a_cowboy_sees_a_bunch_of_american_indians_on_the/
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Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system

Uranus is between them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3sfqf/saturn_and_neptune_are_the_butt_cheeks_of_the/
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How does Aquaman get his news?

He streams it on SeaNN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3sbyo/how_does_aquaman_get_his_news/
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The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"

said Anatoly, aged 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3sa27/the_scotland_football_team_went_to_visit_an/
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When a woman gets a vibrator

It's seen as a bit of naughty fun. But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3s75d/when_a_woman_gets_a_vibrator/
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Little Johnny is in English class.

The teacher is teaching and then asks Emily to stand up and state a verb and use it in a sentence.
"Walk!" The teacher says very good, use it in a sentence now.
"I always walk to school in the morning!"
She then asks Adam to stand up and use a word in a sentence.
"Teaching!" The teacher says "great example, now use it in a sentence."
"The teacher is always teaching!" She tells him to sit down and asks Johnny to stand up.
"Urinate!" The teacher uncomfortably asks him to use it in a sentence.
"Urinate, but if you had a bigger butt you'd be a 10."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3s5i6/little_johnny_is_in_english_class/
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Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In the middle of the room, there is a ladder with a sign next to it that says, "Climb this ladder to success."
He thinks, *why not*, and begins to climb. When he steps off onto the next floor, he sees the room he is now in has a single bed and nothing more than the ladder he stepped off of and another sign that says, "Climb this ladder to success." He decides to continue climbing.
On the next floor, he sees a single bed next to a nightstand with a $20 bill on it. He ponders for a moment, but then decidees to continue climbing. Again, another sign: "Climb this ladder to success." As he climbs, each floor becomes more elaborate and his emotions start running high. *Is this his chance? Can this be true? Can he really find success by climbing this ladder?*
After he climbs for what feels like an eternity, he pauses to catch his breath. He stops in a room adorned with beautiful furniture. Silk sheets cover a massive bed. Columns made of marble corner the wall-less room. A chandalier of diamonds hangs from the ceiling over the bed. And everything is adorned with gold. *This could be it!* But he notices the ladder hasn't reached the top yet and there is still a sign that says, "Climb this ladder to success."
*What could be futher up!?* He must find out. So he continue to climb.
After what seems like hours, and seeing beautiful things he could never imagine on each floor he passes, he finally reaches the top of the ladder. In front of him, there is a sign with an arrow pointing ahead. It says, "This way to success." He looks further ahead and sees a giant throne. Sitting on the throne is a giant naked man; the ugliest and most repulsive man he's ever seen. He approaches the throne and asks, "Are you the one who can lead me to success?
The grotesque beast of a man replies, "Nay, you are already here." With a smirk and a wink, the beastly figure says, "I'm Cess."
:)
*(Just for FYI, this joke delivers better if spoken.)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3s4jq/ladder_to_success/
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If your plane experiences turbulence, just pray. Works every time

Because no one alive has been able to claim otherwise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3s3zo/if_your_plane_experiences_turbulence_just_pray/
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Most Precious Element

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Johnny, why silicon?"
"Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3s040/most_precious_element/
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Why do you die if you listen to too much Queen

It has a very high mercury content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ryob/why_do_you_die_if_you_listen_to_too_much_queen/
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What is a very moving gift that you can give to a scientist?

Joules

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3rw2w/what_is_a_very_moving_gift_that_you_can_give_to_a/
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An airplane is about to crash with only 5 parachutes on board.

A doctor says, “Save the women.”
A young mother says, “No, save the children.”
A lawyer says, “Fuck the children.”
A priest asks, “Do we have time?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3rvbs/an_airplane_is_about_to_crash_with_only_5/
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I was in a band called Dark Web.

We was always on tor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3rryr/i_was_in_a_band_called_dark_web/
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This coffee tastes like dirt

Well it was ground this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3rl4l/this_coffee_tastes_like_dirt/
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Blind man walks with his dog into a convenience store.

He lifts his dog by the leash and starts swinging it over his head.
Store manager runs over and ask "can I help you with anything!"
Blind man says "no thanks, I'm just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3rfp9/blind_man_walks_with_his_dog_into_a_convenience/
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This one was from my daughter after dinner.

What did the linguini say to the spaghetti squash?
IMPASTA!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3rf9j/this_one_was_from_my_daughter_after_dinner/
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What happened when things got hot between the doughboy and his girlfriend?

They bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3r5hg/what_happened_when_things_got_hot_between_the/
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I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus.

Now I'm impecunious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3r30d/i_used_to_be_poor_then_i_bought_a_thesaurus/
%
At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life start?"

"At conception," said the Catholic priest.
"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "It begins at birth."
"It’s in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."
"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins when your last child leaves home and takes the dog with him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3qzab/at_an_ecumenical_roundtable_discussion_various/
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what do Anti-vax kids and Acids have in common?

they don't go above 7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3qxce/what_do_antivax_kids_and_acids_have_in_common/
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How do you make extra virgin olive oil from olive oil?

Dating advice from a Redditor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3qup5/how_do_you_make_extra_virgin_olive_oil_from_olive/
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Never joke with a kleptomaniac.

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3qudu/never_joke_with_a_kleptomaniac/
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What did the criminal chemist say as he was escaping from a police officer?

Cu later Copper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3qtxz/what_did_the_criminal_chemist_say_as_he_was/
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What is the difference between kids in China and putting down a dog?

Nothing, they are both Euthanasia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3qt1f/what_is_the_difference_between_kids_in_china_and/
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Two women were fighting for a seat in a bus

Seeing their scuffle, the driver said whoever’s older can have the seat.
Then what, they both kept standing throughout the ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3qrxr/two_women_were_fighting_for_a_seat_in_a_bus/
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My wife is so immature

. I'm at home in the bath and she'd come in whenever she felt like it and sink all my boats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3qmvs/my_wife_is_so_immature/
%
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."
The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3qhtj/two_thieves_break_into_a_house_once_inside_they/
%
Great news for insomniacs!

Only 8 more sleeps 'till Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3qhsl/great_news_for_insomniacs/
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What did Michael Jackson say to the boy in bed?

Just beat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3qewk/what_did_michael_jackson_say_to_the_boy_in_bed/
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If i had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on...

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3qdyw/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_didnt_understand/
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Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3qdgs/before_you_judge_somebody_who_doesnt_use_the/
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What do you say about someone holding a poo emoji stress ball?

Somebody who knows how to handle their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3qahx/what_do_you_say_about_someone_holding_a_poo_emoji/
%
Did you hear about the man that bench pressed an entire supermarket?

He got arrested for shoplifting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3q7ki/did_you_hear_about_the_man_that_bench_pressed_an/
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My mom said that i'm starting to lack empathy.

I can't understand how she could feel like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3q796/my_mom_said_that_im_starting_to_lack_empathy/
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I like it when jokes go over my head

Because I really don't like getting hit in the face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3q6qt/i_like_it_when_jokes_go_over_my_head/
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I don’t care what people think of me.

At least mosquitoes find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3q6jj/i_dont_care_what_people_think_of_me/
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A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on

He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.
Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"
Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."
Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3q22c/a_cop_sees_a_car_driving_slowly_and_wiggly/
%
A cat and a rooster sitting on the lake shore...

The cat falls into the lake  and the rooster starts laughing hysterically.
Morale of the story:
When there is a wet pussy, there's a happy cock also

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3pzt6/a_cat_and_a_rooster_sitting_on_the_lake_shore/
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What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).

Telegram
Telephone
Tell a woman
Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3pra0/what_are_the_three_quickest_ways_of_spreading_a/
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I'm reading a horror story in braille

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3pr05/im_reading_a_horror_story_in_braille/
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I went to a museum to feed the animals...

...but they were all stuffed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3pqto/i_went_to_a_museum_to_feed_the_animals/
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I just want to thank the guy who lent me his dictionary to look for the meaning of the word plethora...

It means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3pmb9/i_just_want_to_thank_the_guy_who_lent_me_his/
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Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg?

No? Well, she is all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3pl3k/did_you_hear_about_the_shark_attack_victim_that/
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What's the nicest compliment a girl has given you?

Once a girl told me she wouldn't press charges if I stopped talking to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3pkmx/whats_the_nicest_compliment_a_girl_has_given_you/
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What is a Nihilist?

Someone who studies rivers in Egypt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3pil9/what_is_a_nihilist/
%
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, and the phone rings ...

He jumps up, shouting: "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ph3s/pavlov_is_sitting_at_a_pub_enjoying_a_pint_and/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph because he’s not a full essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3pd75/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they’ll have the time as well as the inclination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3p8fg/the_italian_government_has_decided_to_put_a_big/
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worst thing you could say in a sex-ed class?

"can we have a live demonstration?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3p7t1/worst_thing_you_could_say_in_a_sexed_class/
%
If an Anglophone speaks the language of the Angles

what does that make someone who speaks the language of the Saxons?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3p7ri/if_an_anglophone_speaks_the_language_of_the_angles/
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"I say Long John Silver, I really like your earrings, how much were they?"

"2 dollars"
"They're not bad at all for a buccaneer".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3p6yt/i_say_long_john_silver_i_really_like_your/
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Juan was sent to hell.

In the hell lobby, Juan is greeted by a demon. The demon showed 3 doors that contains the type of punishment Juan will receive. Of course, Juan is given the ability to choose his punishment.
The demon opened the 1st door. Juan saw a man being punished by a whip. Juan said: "No! I do not want that kind of punishment!"
The demon moved on and opened the 2nd door. Juan saw a man getting electrocuted. Juan said: "No! I do not want that kind of punishment too!"
Very well, the demon said. Now they arrived at the 3rd and final door. There, Juan saw a man getting a blowjob from a gorgeous and sexy young woman. Juan instantly said: "This is it! I want this kind of punishment!"
Your wish is my command, the demon replied to Juan.
Without hesitation, the demon called the young woman and said: "Miss, you have your replacement."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3p5ak/juan_was_sent_to_hell/
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A man with five penises went to the doctor and the doctor asked how he wears a condom the man said,

“Like a glove”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3p3t3/a_man_with_five_penises_went_to_the_doctor_and/
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I just finished a documentary on beavers

Best dam movie I've ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3p2mc/i_just_finished_a_documentary_on_beavers/
%
Why are men always happy when their wife are in labor?

It's the most painful experience of her life and she can't make him do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ozc3/why_are_men_always_happy_when_their_wife_are_in/
%
Man, all these arguments about global warming..

They're just so heated...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3oyn7/man_all_these_arguments_about_global_warming/
%
I'm not a hypochondriac

I'm a self diagnosed hypochondriac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ox5t/im_not_a_hypochondriac/
%
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

John came fifth and won a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ox41/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3owso/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
Today, an old lady at the bank asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3own6/today_an_old_lady_at_the_bank_asked_me_to_check/
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It doesn't matter whether you stand up or sit down to urinate...

...as long as your gender fluid is going into the toilet where it belongs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ot28/it_doesnt_matter_whether_you_stand_up_or_sit_down/
%
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3oo3k/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
%
The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.

Haven’t looked back since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3onvs/the_rear_view_mirror_fell_out_of_my_car_a_couple/
%
Just been on www.bigbustycoons.com

Damn those guys have some good bus companies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3oni0/just_been_on_wwwbigbustycoonscom/
%
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors

It's something I could really see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3onal/i_think_i_want_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
%
Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible

Doctor: “Well, tell him I can't see him right now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3okqq/doctor_theres_a_patient_on_line_1_that_says_hes/
%
"Boy, British people sure pronounce 'aluminum' weirdly".

Said the American walking into his condominum to prepare for a date with his SO at the planetarum in this marvellous millenum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3oe33/boy_british_people_sure_pronounce_aluminum_weirdly/
%
I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3oe0i/im_divorcing_my_wife_first_it_was_the_poolboy/
%
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

I would'nt know, never fucked an egg before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3o7r2/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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What do women call men under 6 feet?

They don’t call them at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3o3f2/what_do_women_call_men_under_6_feet/
%
I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger...

It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3nztm/i_recently_went_on_holiday_to_europe_after/
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Why do priests love to go fishing with kids?

So they have someone to hold their rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3nyk8/why_do_priests_love_to_go_fishing_with_kids/
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My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3nscl/my_wife_is_doing_a_sponsored_parachute_jump/
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As long as I live I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me...

GODDAMMIT BOY BE CAREFUL THAT THING’S LOADED!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3nn9s/as_long_as_i_live_ill_never_forget_my_fathers/
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A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.
**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**
- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled
**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES**
- Very Reactive
- Highly Unstable
- Possesses Strong Affinity towards Gold, Silver, Diamond, Platinum, Credit cards, Debit cards & Cheque books
- Money Reducing Agent
**OCCURRENCE**
- Mostly found in front of the Mirror.
- It's highly flammable when mixed with in-laws.
- It has mixed properties when seated with parents.
- Very harmful to you if she sees you with any element similar to itself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3njmz/a_new_metal_has_been_added_to_chemistry/
%
To me, a McFlurry is a rare treat.

Not because I never go to McDonald’s, but because their ice cream machine never works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3nhap/to_me_a_mcflurry_is_a_rare_treat/
%
A kid and child molester are walking in the woods

A kid and a child molester are walking in the woods. As the sun is going down and it gets darker, the kod says, "It's getting kinda scary mister." He tells the kid, "I know. I'm the one that's gotta walk back alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3nha9/a_kid_and_child_molester_are_walking_in_the_woods/
%
My therapist said...

My therapist said that  time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him. Now we wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3nehm/my_therapist_said/
%
Are you sure?

So a man dies and is sent to hell.
When he gets there the devil says "hey you know what? I'm in a good mood today so I'll let you pick your eternity here from these 3 doors"
The man says ok and opens the first door.
Behind door #1 was a lion eating a man alive, every time the lion bites off a body part it grows back but he would feel everything
The man says "oh no I don't want door #1" and he opens door #2
Behind door #2 is an endless field of broken glass and sharp objects he'd have to walk on barefoot for the rest of his life
The man yells "no way that looks more painful than door #1! " and opens door #3
Behind door #3 was a woman on her knees giving a man head (felatio)
The man says "yup that's the door I want!"
The devil says "are you sure?"
The man says yes I'm sure I want door #3
The dev says "are you 100% su--?"
The man cuts the devil off and says "stop right here I don't need to hear another word I'm 100% sure I want door #3"
The devil walks over to the girl, taps her on the shoulder and said "alright your turn is up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3nciv/are_you_sure/
%
I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don’t know y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3n9zs/im_close_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
Uranus, Earth, and Pluto decide to throw a party.

Earth: so how are we going to do this?
Pluto: don't ask me. I don't know how to Plan-et.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3n5ny/uranus_earth_and_pluto_decide_to_throw_a_party/
%
One day a hindu priest was walking down the street.

And he saw a beautiful red fence in front of a house. The only issue was that the beam holding the light was broken. So the priest went home, grabbed his toolbox, and returned to restore the light to it's place. So the passerbys would be able to see without stumbling.
By and by the man who owned the crimson fence came out to find what the ruckus was about. When he saw the priest repairing his light post he thanked the man very heartily. And begged to be allowed to repay him. The priest thanked the man saying "I haven't done this for payment, and as such cannot allow you to reimburse me for my time."
The man queries, "why not?"
The priest replied, "I only wish to sow enough good into the world, that should I be reincarnated into a tree, and afterwards be as fortunate to be used as a fence. I just hope I too can be a red lit repost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3n5ey/one_day_a_hindu_priest_was_walking_down_the_street/
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What’s one thing you should never say to someone suicidal?

Hang in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3n4vf/whats_one_thing_you_should_never_say_to_someone/
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Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3n4or/two_blind_pilots_enter_a_plane/
%
Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile

Because you're a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3n2gz/always_remember_that_youre_someones_reason_to/
%
Yo mamma so fat

I swerved in my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3n29r/yo_mamma_so_fat/
%
If my wife wants sex, I told her to pull my penis two times.

If she doesn't want it, I told her to pull it 100 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3mqe1/if_my_wife_wants_sex_i_told_her_to_pull_my_penis/
%
Did you hear about the dwarf who was pickpocketed?

How could anyone stoop so low??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ml7r/did_you_hear_about_the_dwarf_who_was_pickpocketed/
%
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat...

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3mgpt/a_man_boarded_an_airplane_and_took_his_seat/
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Why are frog dicks the best?

They ribbit for your pleasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3mfsq/why_are_frog_dicks_the_best/
%
Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar at the same time

The encounter was is will be tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3mda9/past_present_and_future_walked_into_a_bar_at_the/
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The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.
The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was very confused when the picture did not immediately show. The kid did everything to the picture to try and make it develop, but it didn't speed up, and when the photo did develop, the photo was fuzzy and unreadable. The wise old man put his hand on the shoulder, and told his apprentice that "memories take a long time to form, but are very fickle."
The wise old man then showed the kid a flip phone, and the kid immediately tried to send a text, but the cell phone didn't send messages very well. He was eventually unable to send messages due to reaching a bandwidth limit. The kid seemed confused, but once again, the wise old man put his hand on the kid's shoulder, and told them that "Sometimes, it is better to say a little than it is to say a lot."
Finally, the wise old man showed the kid a fax machine, which the kid almost immediately recognized. He tried to use the built-in scanner to copy a drawing he had made earlier, but yet the scanner would not print the image. The kid began to cry. Seeing an opportunity for a very important lesson, the man told them to keep crying, if for a little bit, and try again. The kid, still distraught and confused, decided to oblige. The scanner did not print once again. The man then told the kid to stop crying, and try one more time. Of course, the scanner did not work. At this point, the kid decided to read the error in detail, and saw it was out of paper. Refilling the paper, the scan went flawlessly. The man put his hand on his shoulder of the kid, and told his apprentice that "Fax don't care about your feelings".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3mbd7/the_computer_nerd_and_his_apprentice/
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I was her bread, she was my jam.

One day she left me saying, "You deserve butter".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3m3eg/i_was_her_bread_she_was_my_jam/
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Did you hear about the Touched by an Angel spinoff?

Probably not,  Touched By a Priest just never caught on with the public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3lzwh/did_you_hear_about_the_touched_by_an_angel_spinoff/
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How Long is a Chinese name

......either you read that correct or you need to read it again to understand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3lxx8/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
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An Architect, a Doctor and a Lawyer are boasting about how smart their dogs are.

They finally agree that each will demonstrate their dog's prowess.
The architect calls his dog, puts some clay on the table and says, "Build
me a model of the Eiffel Towel."  The dog does so and the architect throws
him a biscuit.
The doctor calls his dog and as he does he sees that a cow is in the process
of giving birth.  He says to his dog, "Deliver the calf."  The dog goes out,
determines a Caesaerean section is needed and does the operation.  The operation
is a complete success both for the new calf and its mother.  The doctor throws
his dog a biscuit.
The lawyer calls his dog over.  His dog screws the other two dogs and takes
their biscuits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3luq9/an_architect_a_doctor_and_a_lawyer_are_boasting/
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My doctor told me that I have to stop masturbating. I asked why

Well sir, I am trying to examine you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3lkjc/my_doctor_told_me_that_i_have_to_stop/
%
A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a drink, quick!"

The bartender gives him his drink, and says "What's the hurry, buddy?"
The guy downs the drink and says "Just went to the doctor.  Get me another drink, quick!"
The bartender gives him another drink, which he promptly guzzles.
The guy downs the next drink, and the bartender says "Really, what's up?  Did the doctor give you bad news?"
"Yeah," the guy says, "Give me another drink.  You'd want to drink fast too, if you had what I have."
"Really?"  The bartender says, "What have you got?"
"A dollar fifty," he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3lgwm/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar_and_says_to_the_bartender/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3lgie/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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A father is concerned about his son being 25 and still being a virgin

"Son, take this  Walkie Talkie, go to the bar and find a pretty girl. Once you do, tell me and I will give you further instructions"
The son does as his father commands and finds a pretty girl in the bar
"Dad, I found a very pretty girl, what do I do now? "
"Sit next to her and compliment her. Be funny and nice so she likes you. Once you know for a fact she likes you, call me through the Walkie Talkie and I will give you further instructions"
The son does as his father says, and it goes surprisingly well
"Dad, she really likes me, I think. She wants me to go back to her place, what do i do?"
"Son, go with her and remember to still be nice. Once you get to her place, call me again."
The son does as his father says, and goes to the bathroom to call his father
"Dad, she is getting naked right now, what do I do? "
"Son, you have done it. Now go out there and stick the thing that we both have inside of her"
A couple of minutes pass, and the Father is very relieved to know that his son is finally having sex. He starts hearing screaming from the Walkie Talkie, so he goes investigate
"DAD, DAD?? I NEED HELP, SHE IS CURRENTLY BLEEDING AND VERY MAD."
"Son, what did you do?"
"I STUCK THE WALKIE TALKIE SINCE YOU SAID TO STICK WHAT WE BOTH HAVE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3lg5j/a_father_is_concerned_about_his_son_being_25_and/
%
Yo mama so fat.

If someone kills her it's mass murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3lb4t/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
Why was Heisenberg's wife unsatisfied?

Because when he had the time he didn't have the energy and when he had the position he didn't have the momentum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3l9sl/why_was_heisenbergs_wife_unsatisfied/
%
A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband

"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.
Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.
After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."
"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3l9eb/a_housewife_comes_running_from_the_kitchen_and/
%
When I was younger I couldn’t wrap my head around infinite sums

But now it all adds up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3l575/when_i_was_younger_i_couldnt_wrap_my_head_around/
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If only my daughter could see this

I wouldn’t have to pay for her fucking eye surgery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3l1c3/if_only_my_daughter_could_see_this/
%
A mushroom walks into a bar

the bartender says “hey, I won’t serve you, get out of here.”
The mushroom says, “why not?! I’m a fungi!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3l0wz/a_mushroom_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a monster that eats a lot?

A gobble-n
(Credit to my 7 y/o son)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3kxqs/what_do_you_call_a_monster_that_eats_a_lot/
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Pathology professor told this joke after class today. A little long but soooo worth it.

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,
"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."
The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,
"Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours."
So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,
"Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3kog6/pathology_professor_told_this_joke_after_class/
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(NSFW) I just had my first experience with Anal

That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3knu3/nsfw_i_just_had_my_first_experience_with_anal/
%
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3knp4/three_boys_are_in_the_schoolyard_bragging_about/
%
An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.
No one can see the piece before it is completed.
Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a massive curtain. The artist goes so far as to hire a security firm who have signed non disclosure agreements.
After 4 months of work, the mural is complete. A massive unveiling is planned. The local media, the high school band, the entire town, and the state governor are all in attendance.
With much fanfair, the curtain is dropped. The 60 foot wide by 20 foot tall mural is revealed.
The mural depicts a beautiful scene of the American Southwest, filled with brilliant colors and amazing details. There are hundreds of Native Americans in amazingly accurate period correct clothing from the late 1800's. Everyone is in awe... Until they start looking a little closer.
Many of the the Native Americans are in various stages of undress. They are all engaged in coitus in every position and combination imaginable. All in photograph- quality detail. But it gets worse.
Interspersed throughout the scene of debauchery, there are enormous piles of feces. Fly-ridden and festering in the sun. After a moment of focusing on it, you could swear you could smell it. The piles of waste have beams of golden light descending from the heavens onto them. Some of the piles even have halos above them.
Everyone is now silent, mouths agape at what they're seeing. Finally, the governor bellows out, "What have you done here? This is disgusting! Explain yourself!"
The artist calmly replied, "I did exactly what was asked of me. I have painted a piece of art depicting an important moment in American history. This represents the last words uttered by General George Custer at the battle of Litttle Big Horn."
Holy shit. Look at all those fucking Indians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3klnx/an_artist_is_commissioned_to_paint_a_mural_in_the/
%
Bought a pet rock. It looked lonely so I bought another. I dunno how, but they started breeding. Months later there was gravel and stones everywhere. I couldn't take it anymore and had enough.

Threw it all in a canvas sack, weighed it down with a couple of puppies, and tossed it in the river.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3kk6w/bought_a_pet_rock_it_looked_lonely_so_i_bought/
%
Stuttering cat

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some children's stories could become, asked a girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must have been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back and went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff!' But before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3khd0/stuttering_cat/
%
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who is best at their job.

So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3kgv5/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_who/
%
Saved a woman from the shame of prostitution today!

I didn’t pay her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3kcqo/saved_a_woman_from_the_shame_of_prostitution_today/
%
There’s plenty of Jobs in porn when you have a penis like mine

Cameraman, Lighting, sound technician even production manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3kc9t/theres_plenty_of_jobs_in_porn_when_you_have_a/
%
Day 267 without sex..

I just took a run in flip flops to hear what it sounds like again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3kads/day_267_without_sex/
%
Did you guys hear this joke about Trumps Mexican border wall?

It’s hilarious. I’m still trying to get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3k6cg/did_you_guys_hear_this_joke_about_trumps_mexican/
%
A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.

As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.
He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.
“Do you know why I pulled you over, ma’am?”
“No I do not,” she replied sweetly.
“You were going 10mph on the highway. That’s a serious hazard for other drivers.” The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.
The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”
The officer looked at the sign and laughed. “Ma’am that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on. Interstate 10.”
The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles. “Oh I’m sorry!”
The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go. But curiosity got the better of him. “Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”
The little old lady laughed again. “Probably because I just got off Interstate 350.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3k67r/a_highway_patrol_officer_pulled_over_a_little_old/
%
I would never forget my grandfathers' last words

"Stop shaking the ladder you little bitch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3k37u/i_would_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
%
I've always wanted kids.

But I can never lure them into my car.
Just kidding of course.. I don't have a license!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3jvep/ive_always_wanted_kids/
%
What does a Twitter user and Schizophrenic have in common?

They both think outloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3jvdi/what_does_a_twitter_user_and_schizophrenic_have/
%
Adolf Hitler got bored and decided to go out on the streets to find out what people thought of him.

He put on some disguise, shaved his mustache and went for a walk in downtown Berlin. He found a middle aged man reading a newspaper outside a cafe and asked him what he thought about Hitler. The man, with horror on his face, panicked, grabbed his hand and lead him down to an empty street. He looked behind his shoulders a couple of times before saying "I actually like him!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3jt7f/adolf_hitler_got_bored_and_decided_to_go_out_on/
%
I like to play chess with old men in the park

Although it’s hard to find 32 of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3jqhm/i_like_to_play_chess_with_old_men_in_the_park/
%
I didnt vaccinate my 9 kids

He turned out fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3jnt2/i_didnt_vaccinate_my_9_kids/
%
What is the hardest thing about being in Hypochondriacs Anonymous?

Admitting that you don’t have a problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3jnhz/what_is_the_hardest_thing_about_being_in/
%
I was at the store yesterday and I saw a lady drop her steak

I guess it became ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3jmr3/i_was_at_the_store_yesterday_and_i_saw_a_lady/
%
I saw a snake on the side of the road that was 3.14 feet long...

Turned out to be a πthon..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3jk8m/i_saw_a_snake_on_the_side_of_the_road_that_was/
%
I was looking for a type of medicine to motivate me

My friend recommended Aspirin.
“Why”
“Because after taking it, I’ve been Aspirin to do great things”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3jijr/i_was_looking_for_a_type_of_medicine_to_motivate/
%
What did the weed farmer say when he saw a herd of cattle eating his crops?

The steaks are high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3jg4t/what_did_the_weed_farmer_say_when_he_saw_a_herd/
%
I knew the best scarecrower impersonater ever...

He was out-standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3jant/i_knew_the_best_scarecrower_impersonater_ever/
%
During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.

That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3j1g7/during_my_prostate_exam_my_doctor_told_me_its/
%
What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, and I'll give these two a lift..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3iw1o/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
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I heard the professional boxers are among the highest paid people in the world

Apparently my bosses at Amazon didn't get the memo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3iunw/i_heard_the_professional_boxers_are_among_the/
%
"Do you have any experience with child care?"

"Yes - I just quit my job at the White House."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3iug1/do_you_have_any_experience_with_child_care/
%
My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"
The stitches come out on Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3it77/my_very_pregnant_wife_complained_that_bending/
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Why shouldn’t you buy cheap jeans from Northern Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ip7w/why_shouldnt_you_buy_cheap_jeans_from_northern/
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Three mice

are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ioft/three_mice/
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The weirdest summer job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3imc4/the_weirdest_summer_job_i_had_was_cleaning_the/
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Want to know how I KNOW the Earth isn’t flat?

Cats would’ve pushed everything off the edge by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ijls/want_to_know_how_i_know_the_earth_isnt_flat/
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My friend told he's been diagnosed with HIV, and has to go for a retest to confirm the results.

I told him to stay positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ijgs/my_friend_told_hes_been_diagnosed_with_hiv_and/
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I was walking my dog through the local cemetery early one morning

When I saw a man crouching down by a grave stone.
"Morning!" I yelled towards him.
He looked up and yelled back "nope, just having a shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3id58/i_was_walking_my_dog_through_the_local_cemetery/
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Late for school

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ictg/late_for_school/
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My body is a temple.

It requires frequent animal sacrifice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3i97b/my_body_is_a_temple/
%
I hate people who take drugs.

Like cops, DEA agents...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3i65x/i_hate_people_who_take_drugs/
%
Why is Michael Phelps better than Hitler?

Becase he can actually finish off a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3i38s/why_is_michael_phelps_better_than_hitler/
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Getting an AMBER Alert while on the toilet is like winning the lottery...

Since those things are designed to randomly scare the shit out of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3i0zo/getting_an_amber_alert_while_on_the_toilet_is/
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My parents didn't vaccinate their kids.

Fortunately, I was adopted by them and it helped me to become their sole heir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3hwoq/my_parents_didnt_vaccinate_their_kids/
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What do you call a Jewish Lizard?

A shalomander
Thanks u/CautiousLoudSpeech

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3hwjc/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_lizard/
%
What is the Kraken's go-to comfort food?

Fish'n'ships

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3hw4p/what_is_the_krakens_goto_comfort_food/
%
There was a catastrophic cyber attack recently...

The government is still looking for the hacker. They think he ran some ware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3hvey/there_was_a_catastrophic_cyber_attack_recently/
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No matter how kind you are

German children are kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3hk6e/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
Whats the good side of dating a homeless person?

You can drop them anywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3hfk0/whats_the_good_side_of_dating_a_homeless_person/
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A husband and wife are having sex. The wife had already finished once, but then for the first time ever she experiences multiple orgasms, and she screams so loud that her husbands ears start ringing. The wife breathlessly asks, “Do you know what you just made me do?”

The husband’s hearing hasn’t recovered yet, and he says,
“Come again?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3hfjn/a_husband_and_wife_are_having_sex_the_wife_had/
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What does Willy Wonka use to keep his factory clean?

Oompa Roombas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3hduq/what_does_willy_wonka_use_to_keep_his_factory/
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but I had to leave...

It was just one ting after another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3hdbr/i_used_to_play_the_triangle_in_a_reggae_band_but/
%
I met a tiny, alien robot that looked like a small bug. He told me his friends escaped their home planet, and found a home here. He was confident that his race would be OK.

He was Optimus Tick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3hbx9/i_met_a_tiny_alien_robot_that_looked_like_a_small/
%
Recently I was playing Zelda on the SNES

It really was a link to the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3h772/recently_i_was_playing_zelda_on_the_snes/
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What does a butcher call a cow on a hill?

High Steaks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3h4nf/what_does_a_butcher_call_a_cow_on_a_hill/
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The university president was inconsolable when the wing housing social sciences and languages burned down.

"Oh, the Humanities!" he cried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3h1g0/the_university_president_was_inconsolable_when/
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What can you say during sex and in the drive thru?

Fuck it, I’ll come inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3gwzb/what_can_you_say_during_sex_and_in_the_drive_thru/
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In America, what do you call someone who barges into your house with a gun demanding you hand over your stuff?

A police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3gvp8/in_america_what_do_you_call_someone_who_barges/
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If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say “freelance” in an independent coffee shop...

I have no idea how much money I would have, but it would definitely be more than a freelancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3gs68/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_heard_someone/
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What do you call a friendship between two male emos?

My Chemical Bromance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3grxn/what_do_you_call_a_friendship_between_two_male/
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A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".
The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light as a feather."
The second guy says, "Riiiight. And I'm sure you've done this before?"
First guy says, "Sure, all the time. But I can tell you don't believe me. Listen, I'll bet you $1,000 that I can jump off the Empire State Building and survive. But if I do survive, you have to try it next."
The second guy thinks about it for a while and says, "Okay. I'll feel pretty bad when you die, but it's a free country, and I could certainly use $1,000."
After shaking hands on the bet they both leave the bar and head to the top of the Empire State Building. The first guy steps up to the edge like he's done it hundred times and says, "Okay, here I go!"
Believing the first guy would chicken out, and worried the bet has gone a little too far, the second guy lunges towards the first and tries to grab him. But it's too late. He watches the man fall for what seems like forever. Just as he's about to turn his head away from the impending disaster, he notices the first man start to slow down. And if by magic, he sees him gently land on his feet.
The first guy makes his way back up to the top of building and is greeted by the second guy who rushes over to him, hugs him, and says "You're alive! That was amazing! How? What? I can't even."
The first guy says, "See I told you! Now, how about that $1,000? And remember, we agreed that if I survived you would do it next."
The second guy nods his head and happily hands over the $1,000, feeling like it's a small investment for the money he'll make from the same bet with other people. Moments later he finds himself standing on the edge, and takes the leap.
The first man watches the second falling for what seems like forever, and just then.... SPLAT...
Minutes later the first guy walks back into the same bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
The bartender looks up from the glass he's drying and with a stern look on his face says, "You know Superman, you can be a real dick sometimes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3gqa4/a_guy_walks_into_a_seedy_bar_in_nyc_sits_down_and/
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Tomorrow is Downs Syndrome Awareness Day

You're supposed to wear crazy socks.
I'm just going to wear extra jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3goix/tomorrow_is_downs_syndrome_awareness_day/
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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.
I guess the bulb was hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3go3g/my_girlfriend_said_if_i_turned_off_the_light_i/
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What does a blind person dip their chips in?

Glaucomole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3gkp7/what_does_a_blind_person_dip_their_chips_in/
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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3gi90/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves you and never comes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3gdqg/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3gd50/i_told_my_friend_that_last_night_there_was_a/
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What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

Acne won’t come on your face until you’re 13

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3gc8y/whats_the_difference_between_michael_jackson_and/
%
it looks like you're pregnant

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.
Woman: Oh my God! I'm pregnant?!
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are, you fat cunt.
Woman: I want a second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you are ugly too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3g8e5/it_looks_like_youre_pregnant/
%
3 Friends decided to go hunting together

Later, as the day darkens, they lay down their tents and settle down around a fire. After eating and chatting for a while, one of the hunters gets tired, and goes to sleep.
Half an hour later, one of the two awake hunters gets an idea.
"You know what would be really funny? We still have one rabbit left over..." he says. "We could cut it open and put its intestines in Mike's pants, so when he wakes up, he's going to think he's shat his ass out" he continues, referring to their sleeping friend.
The other hunter is very amused about the idea, and so they execute their plan, putting rabbit intestines in their sleeping friend's pants.
As the morning dawns, the two pranksters meet each other outside their tents. Both grinning far and wide, they decide to check on their friend. However, the man is not in his tent! Fortunately, they soon notice their friend coming from the woods, waving a stick.
"Hey guys!" he shouts. "You'll never guess what happened to me! I had shat my ass out during the night."
The two hunters are trying their hardest not to burst into laughter.
"But it's ok! I shoved it back with a stick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3g5wh/3_friends_decided_to_go_hunting_together/
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3g5fo/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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The zodiac sign of a friend of mine was cancer, which was very ironic because of how he died.

He was eaten by a large crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3g0xe/the_zodiac_sign_of_a_friend_of_mine_was_cancer/
%
Apparently, someone gets hit by a vehicle every 60 seconds

Poor bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3fvcg/apparently_someone_gets_hit_by_a_vehicle_every_60/
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Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay

You have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3frck/someone_stole_my_microsoft_office_and_theyre/
%
It must be hard dating online as an elderly person

You can’t be sure if you got ghosted or if they just died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3fqsa/it_must_be_hard_dating_online_as_an_elderly_person/
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A genie appears infront of a man...

And tells him that he can have 3 wishes, but his ex wife will get double anything he asks for.
The man thinks and says "I wish for a trillion dollars"
"It is done. Now your ex also has 2 trillion dollars."
"I wish for the biggest mansion in the world with everything that comes with it, servants, helicopters, the works"
"It is done. Your ex now also has 2 mansions."
The man nods his head and then says "I wish I was beaten half to death"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3flyt/a_genie_appears_infront_of_a_man/
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What do you get when you remove the Y from analysis.

Alabama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3fl7o/what_do_you_get_when_you_remove_the_y_from/
%
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

"Oops"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3fgpu/whats_the_most_terrifying_word_in_nuclear_physics/
%
What are wind turbines favourite music?

They’re big metal fans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3f42i/what_are_wind_turbines_favourite_music/
%
I hate being bipolar.

It's awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3f1ns/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
Math joke

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”
He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3exnk/math_joke/
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A mother had three sons: Leaf, Feather and Brick.

Leaf came one day to his mom and said: "Mom, why did you call me Leaf?"
"Well son, ", replied his mom, "When you were born a leaf fell on your head and it was so cute and I couldn't hold myself from naming you like that".
Years passed and Feather came one day to his mom and said: "Mom, why did you call me Feather?"
"Well son, ", replied his mom, "When you were born a feather fell on your head and it was so cute and I couldn't hold myself from naming you like that".
More years passed and Brick came one day to his mom and said: BAaA@$r@grb@qwrtn!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3exb6/a_mother_had_three_sons_leaf_feather_and_brick/
%
I can count on one hand, all of the times I’ve been to Chernobyl

14

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3evyk/i_can_count_on_one_hand_all_of_the_times_ive_been/
%
The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3evvp/the_oldest_laptop_can_be_traced_back_to_adam_and/
%
Where can you find the Titanic?

TL;DR at the bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3eku8/where_can_you_find_the_titanic/
%
A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France.  On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your name is Jacque.".
He ponders it over and agrees, you're right I am French now and my name is Jacque.   Upon arriving home his mother asks him how his first day at school was?  He abruptly stops her and tells his mother he is French now and that she needs to call him Jacque.  She proceeds to beat the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul.  She also tells him to wait and see what his father thinks when he arrives.
Upon arrival, and finding out, his father beats the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul.
The next day at school, the teacher in shock asks him, "OMG! What happened to your face?!" He responds:
"You would not believe it! Less than 2 hours after becoming French, I was brutally attacked by 2 Islamic terrorists!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ejio/a_syrian_kid_in_france/
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Wife : I wish I was a newspaper.

So I’d be in your hands all day.​
​Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3egks/wife_i_wish_i_was_a_newspaper/
%
What do you call an Asian Millionaire?

Cha Ching $

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ed0w/what_do_you_call_an_asian_millionaire/
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What do you call it when a lumberjack turns on their computer?

Logging in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3e5vm/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_lumberjack_turns_on/
%
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3dwne/my_grandfather_killed_six_germans_at_normandy/
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I like my coffee the same way I like my women...

Without other guys dicks in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3dt4m/i_like_my_coffee_the_same_way_i_like_my_women/
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BJ for Sore Throat

"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.
"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts."
Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great."
Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better.
"You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?"
Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3doyw/bj_for_sore_throat/
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Walks Into a Bar... Taxidermy

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3dlwq/walks_into_a_bar_taxidermy/
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Imagin you are walking along the boardwalk in New Jersey when you see an anti-vaxxer and a flat-earther drowning in the ocean...

do you grab dinner before you go to the movies or see the movie first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3dk9e/imagin_you_are_walking_along_the_boardwalk_in_new/
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It’s ironic Whitney Houston did all those Pepsi endorsements

Then over dosed on Coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3dk3p/its_ironic_whitney_houston_did_all_those_pepsi/
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A friend told me that there are no stupid questions.

I told him to AskReddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3dj3g/a_friend_told_me_that_there_are_no_stupid/
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What disease is ravaging canada?

hepatitis eh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3dixz/what_disease_is_ravaging_canada/
%
If you look at the moon tonight it should look really smooth.

It just waxed last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3dfxs/if_you_look_at_the_moon_tonight_it_should_look/
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Don't drink Mr Pibb. It's just a cheap knockoff of Dr Pepper..

The dude didn't even get a degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3d8kz/dont_drink_mr_pibb_its_just_a_cheap_knockoff_of/
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A man boarded an airplane

and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3d79e/a_man_boarded_an_airplane/
%
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3d6b2/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3cyjf/a_professor_a_ceo_and_a_janitor_are_in_a_forest/
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A man saw a lady with big breasts

He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3cy2a/a_man_saw_a_lady_with_big_breasts/
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What is Hitler's favorite video game?

Meincraft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3cwdd/what_is_hitlers_favorite_video_game/
%
An anti-semitic man walks into a bar.

In the corner of the bar, there is a man who is wearing a golden necklace with a Jewish Star, which the man takes notice of.
He says, "I hate all goddamn jews. I'm going to buy a drink for everyone in this bar, except for that jew in the corner there."
Everyone cheers, because free drink, right?
The man saw that the jew cheered too. "Why are you cheering? I'm not buying you a drink."
The jew says, "Oh, I know."
The man decides that he's just a dumb jew, and says "You know what? I'm going to buy another drink for everyone except that dumbass jew."
And another round, and another, and another. But the jew is looking perfectly cordial.
The man goes up to the bartender, and says "What the hell is wrong with that jew? I've been buying everyone a drink except for him, he should be fuming!"
The bartender says, "Normally, yes. But Mr. Bernstein owns the bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3cw5g/an_antisemitic_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3cvhl/donald_trump_has_announced_that_he_plans_to/
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Arial, Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar and the bartender says

Hey, we don't serve your type here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3cs2i/arial_papyrus_and_comic_sans_walk_into_a_bar_and/
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Give a robot a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a robot to fish, feed him for a lifetime.
Teach a robot to teach other robots to fish, you're out of a job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3cql1/give_a_robot_a_fish_feed_him_for_a_day/
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My Dad likes to eat every part of an orange

I never found it too apeeling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ciw6/my_dad_likes_to_eat_every_part_of_an_orange/
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A fat woman was standing on the weighing scale while holding her stomach in.

“Um, I don’t think that’s going to help” said the husband.
To which the wife replies in a confused manner,
“Sure it does. How else I could see the numbers?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3cir9/a_fat_woman_was_standing_on_the_weighing_scale/
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Why did most orphans become prostitutes?

Because they wanted a daddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3cilw/why_did_most_orphans_become_prostitutes/
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My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Aston Martin.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3cfyk/my_boss_arrived_at_work_in_a_brandnew_aston_martin/
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A frog walked into a bank

..and sat down at the desk of a loan officer. She was a friendly-looking young woman with a name tag that said Patricia Whack.
"I'm looking to take out a personal loan of $5000," the frog said.
The loan officer stared at him skeptically. "Do you have anything to offer as collateral?"
The frog dug around in his pockets, and after a moment he produced a small, badly misshapen clay statue.
"What on Earth is that?" The loan officer asked.
"It's just a trinket. I don't have much to offer as collateral, I live in a swamp you see. But I swear I'm good for it!"
The loan officer crossed her arms. " Is it valuable? The bank is not a charity, sir!"
At this, the frog burst into tears. "Please! I'm desperate! My wife is pregnant with our 4000th-8000th kids, and things are tight! Can't you help me???"
Hearing the commotion, the bank manager came over and asked what the trouble was. The loan officer explained: "This frog wants a $5000 dollar loan, and all he's offering for collateral is this little...thing. I don't even know what this is supposed to be!"
The manager looked at the clay statue, threw his hands up and said "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3cev7/a_frog_walked_into_a_bank/
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Where does a dog go when he looses his tail?

A retail store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3cakv/where_does_a_dog_go_when_he_looses_his_tail/
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A serial masturbator goes to the doctor.

Doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating." Man asks, "Why?" Doctor says, "So that I can examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3caa6/a_serial_masturbator_goes_to_the_doctor/
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I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.

No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3c4st/i_can_prove_getting_kicked_in_the_nuts_hurts/
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Is that a zucchini in your pocket?

Or are you Giuseppe Toussimi?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3c2zg/is_that_a_zucchini_in_your_pocket/
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A vacuum cleaner salesman

knocked on my door
Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet and said
If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it I'll personally eat what's left
I replied I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3bxbc/a_vacuum_cleaner_salesman/
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Why does Jared Fogle like all the jokes about him?

Because they are about five years old at this point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3bw9m/why_does_jared_fogle_like_all_the_jokes_about_him/
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What’s worse than getting caught mid-blowjob?

Being banned from every Dyson store in the country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3bq64/whats_worse_than_getting_caught_midblowjob/
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I asked my mum, "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3bpqi/i_asked_my_mum_how_much_is_a_couple/
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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story - Pay your bills !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3bovo/once_upon_a_time_there_lived_a_beautiful_queen/
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Why are catholic priests called father?

because "daddy" would be too suspicious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3bojz/why_are_catholic_priests_called_father/
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When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3bo88/when_a_girl_changes_her_clothes_in_front_of_you/
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Ladies and gentlemen, we finally found a cure for Alzheimer's.

Wait, what did we do again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3bo0y/ladies_and_gentlemen_we_finally_found_a_cure_for/
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I started a company...

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3bniv/i_started_a_company/
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Two particles are trapped in a field

One particle says to the other "I got you some flowers, you may have them if you quantum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3blfs/two_particles_are_trapped_in_a_field/
%
Theresa May has asked to delay Brexit until June

It makes sense, June comes after the end of May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3bk87/theresa_may_has_asked_to_delay_brexit_until_june/
%
I didn't vaccinate my five kids

and both of them turned out fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3bhvr/i_didnt_vaccinate_my_five_kids/
%
I just masturbated while wearing my new Apple Watch.

Apparently I burned as many calories as if I walked 8 steps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3bhil/i_just_masturbated_while_wearing_my_new_apple/
%
I think I might be gender fluid because today I felt like a woman.

I couldn't get the lid off  a jar of jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3bemc/i_think_i_might_be_gender_fluid_because_today_i/
%
A police officer is chasing a hacker

He loses track of him in the streets and asks a passerby:
-Where is he,where is the hacker!?
-I don't know,he ransomware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3beef/a_police_officer_is_chasing_a_hacker/
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The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.
Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was covered in pastries and labeled "Cherry Tarts - $0.85/lb." And on and on it went: "Banana Biscuits - $1.15/lb." "Lemon Loaves - $2.95/lb." etc. etc.
An attendant, who was stocking what looked like Watermelon Muffins, asked Bill, "Finding everything okay?"
"What is this place, exactly?"
"It's a baked fruit stand! We sell nothing but fruit, but they only are sold baked into our wonderful doughs and pastries."
"Wow!" replied Bill. "That's a cool idea! Is there anything you recommend?"
"Absolutely! Our Orange Cookies are to die for! They're our most popular product! But, unfortunately, the farmers who reap our fruits haven't been able to grow enough oranges to keep them in stock."
Just then, a pickup truck pulled up to the shop and out came three individuals dressed in overalls and sun hats to unload crates from out the back.
"Who are they?"
"Those are the farmers and bakers who supply our stock. They're actually native to this land, so not only are they our suppliers, but they actually own the grounds on which the market was built."
Bill looked over the crates and remarked, "Doesn't look like they have any Orange Cookies today, either. Do they restock the same time everyday?"
"Yes, sir," replied the attendant, "every day at 8."
"Great! Then I will see you tomorrow."
So Bill headed over to the market the next day, just as the farmers finished unloading the last crate.
He noticed the empty shelf and asked the attendant, "No Orange Cookies today?"
The attendant replied, while shaking his head, "Nope, I'm afraid not."
Bill mumbled under his breath, "So frustrating..." as he walked out of the shop.
The next day, Bill returned while the farmers were still unloading the day's stock.
The attendant looked over at him as he asked, "Got any Orange Cookies today?"
The attendant simply frowned and shook his head.
Bill grumbled, a little louder this time, "Useless farmers..."
Again, the next day Bill arrived in the middle of the farmers unloading their truck. He walked straight up to the attendant, who looked at him with a sad expression on his face.
"I'm sorry, sir, no Orange Cookies today, neither."
Bill began to bluster frustratedly, then turned to the farmers and yelled, "*WHAT GOOD ARE YOU!?!*"
The attendant immediately stomped his foot and pointed his finger right in Bill's face as he said, "Hey! I understand you come here for the OC, but there's no need to bad-mouth our reap hosts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3b7fz/the_new_market_on_the_corner/
%
A Grandfather talks to his grandson

Grandpa: Back then, for a dollah, I could get rice, milk, sardines, eggs, four boxes of cereal, a bottle of coke,  some chips, and a tub of ice cream
Grandson: How about now, Grandpa?
Grandpa: Now a days, it's impossible to do anything with all dem gawddam cameras around!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3b7fn/a_grandfather_talks_to_his_grandson/
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Why should you never bully a fifth grader gypsy?

Because his father is in the eleventh grade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3b2ud/why_should_you_never_bully_a_fifth_grader_gypsy/
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Cinderella

My wife told me: "I'm sick of you, since I got married i work, cook, I'm doing laundry..."
I respond: "I told you if you marry me you will live like Cinderella!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3b1ji/cinderella/
%
Why I don’t trust stairs?

Because they are always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3b0yp/why_i_dont_trust_stairs/
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If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut but if a man does it he's...?

Gay.
He's gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3b0bh/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_10_men_shes_a_slut_but_if/
%
My wife just told me that in 9 months, I’m in for a big surprise!!

I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3avua/my_wife_just_told_me_that_in_9_months_im_in_for_a/
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What do you call a group of muslims that turn into a giant robot?

A mecca

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3aoz8/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_muslims_that_turn/
%
Shane Dawson Joke

Shane Dawson's latest vlog had him reflecting his Youtube career, he stated "You do one song, nobody calls you a singer. You make one movie, nobody calls you a filmmaker. You write one book, nobody calls you an author. But you fuck one cat....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3akxk/shane_dawson_joke/
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Why there is no WiFi in church?

They don’t want to know about an invisible power that actually works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3aipv/why_there_is_no_wifi_in_church/
%
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3aial/if_the_klu_klux_klan_leaders_are_wizards_why_dont/
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My boyfriend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall to him.

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3ah9g/my_boyfriend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
One father says to his son:

+ Son, everything that the light touches will be yours.
- But father I am blind
+ And I’m poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3a9i5/one_father_says_to_his_son/
%
A guy was addicted to masturbation and then got addicted to sex.

We can say it got out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3a3gi/a_guy_was_addicted_to_masturbation_and_then_got/
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Have you heard about Ted? The guy with a talent for animated internet pictures?

He's gifted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b39zaw/have_you_heard_about_ted_the_guy_with_a_talent/
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What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b39wtz/whats_the_difference_between_love_true_love_and/
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A joke about Communism isn't funny...

...unless everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b39ovn/a_joke_about_communism_isnt_funny/
%
A woman asked her date what he calls his penis

"Magic Johnson."
"That good, huh?" She said with a sultry smile.
He replied, "No, I have HIV."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b39n78/a_woman_asked_her_date_what_he_calls_his_penis/
%
I wouldn’t buy anything with Velcro.

It’s a total rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b39k1t/i_wouldnt_buy_anything_with_velcro/
%
My sister bet 100 dollars that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen her face when i drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b39j9a/my_sister_bet_100_dollars_that_i_couldnt_build_a/
%
I bought a boomerang on eBay

It didn’t work. Then I realised I bought it on no return

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b39d95/i_bought_a_boomerang_on_ebay/
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Three nuns in the park

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. Guy in a trenchcoat runs up and flashes them. First one had a stroke. Second one had a stroke. Third one never touched him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b399id/three_nuns_in_the_park/
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WW2: an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: "My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won't tell them anything!"
The Japanese says: "I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!"
The Italian says: "I guess I'm fucked."
First they pick the German and pull him out of the cell away from the others. The next day they bring him back with bruises and cuts everywhere and he says: "I have failed, I told them everything."
Next they pick the Japanese. Two days later they bring him back badly beaten up and in a bad condition. He says: "I have dishonored the emperor and i dont deserve this life! I told them everything."
Now they pick the Italian, who is already crying and asking for mercy. For two weeks they don't hear anything from the Italian and start wondering what happened to him.
Then they bring him back, in a horrible condition, barely alive and the guard says: "I would have never believed that you guys would speak and the Italian is the one who wouldn't say a word to us."
They throw him back in the cell and the German and the Japanese rush to him and ask what happened and why he didn't say anything.
The Italian answeres: "I wanted to tell them everything! But then they tied my hands behind my back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b398yt/ww2_an_italian_officer_an_imperial_japanese/
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What is it called when a person in a coma is surrounded by flowers?

A vegetable garden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b398bj/what_is_it_called_when_a_person_in_a_coma_is/
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I didn't have sex with my wife before we got married...

...what about you Dave, did you have to wait for a long time ?
\-" Not really, I didn't know your wife before the wedding anyway. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3942g/i_didnt_have_sex_with_my_wife_before_we_got/
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Professor X to JK Rowling:

Professor X: "What's your power?"
JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters."
Gay Professor X: "Interesting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3923k/professor_x_to_jk_rowling/
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A Young Greek Woman Marries

she is a virgin, and her mother is concerned.  as they are getting her gown on, her mother warns her that her husband will probably ask her to "turn over" for sex, and to NEVER turn over.  Innocently, she agrees.
Thanks to generous gifts from their family in Europe, they honeymoon in Majorca, and each night is even better than the previous.
on the fourth night, the husband asks his new bride "tonight, let's try something new.  why don't you turn over for sex tonight?"
the young bride blushes in a way only a young greek woman, raised on the beaches, could.  Remembering her mother's wisdom she says "No! I will not turn over for sex! My Mother warned me about you!"
"But, Honey, Don't you want to get pregnant?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3916t/a_young_greek_woman_marries/
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Pirates love reddit

It is the perfect place to exchange stolen content for gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b390f0/pirates_love_reddit/
%
There was a man who really liked tractors.

One day he discovered a tractor convention in his morning paper and was very excited, so he bought his ticket instantly.
months later the day of the convention had finally arrived and he was extremely excited, he drove into the city early and planned to spend the whole day there.
when he arrived be began admiring the large tractors when a sales man asked if he would like to climb up in one,
"why yes i would love to" he responded.
so he climbed up inside and hit the horn as hard as he could
"BEEEEEEP"
The sales man yelled "what the hell do you think your doing"and kicked him out of the tractor,
when the man climbed down, the sales man asked if he would like to buy the tractor and the man replied "no,no,no I'm not here to buy I just really like tractors"
with a look of confusion on his face the sales man told him to get lost,however the man would not let this dishearten him so he continued.
as he continued walking around, no sales man would let him anywhere near their tractors as word had spread that he was weird and had no interest in purchasing a tractor.
depressed the man goes to the doors and heads to the bar across the road. the bartender asks why he seemed so sad, so the man told him his story and the bartender replied  "is that all, I am stuck here 12 hours a day breathing in all this damn smoke!!" the man just looks at him and smirks "is that all?! I can fix that" and the man sucks in all the smoke with one great and mighty breath, suddenly the room is clear as the man goes to the window and blows out all of the smoke that filled the room. " how did you do that!?" the bartender asks, " well it's easy I am an ex-tractor fan after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b38zpr/there_was_a_man_who_really_liked_tractors/
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What’s electricity’s favorite topic?

Current events

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b38xrn/whats_electricitys_favorite_topic/
%
Where is the best place to hide a dead body?

The second page of a google search.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b38xey/where_is_the_best_place_to_hide_a_dead_body/
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I was interviewed by the police yesterday.

I just said "No comment" to all their questions. They said they'd let me know but somehow I don't think I am going to get the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b38v9g/i_was_interviewed_by_the_police_yesterday/
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Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke

You’ll look crazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b38p9b/why_shouldnt_you_tell_an_egg_a_joke/
%
What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa?

He left the reigns down in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b38ot3/what_part_of_the_sleigh_did_santa_leave_behind/
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On a flight from Dubai to NYC, I met a cheerful gentleman from Pakistani. He stressed that Pakistan is now a new country, peaceful & totally against terrorism

To prove his point, he decided not to hijack the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b38obl/on_a_flight_from_dubai_to_nyc_i_met_a_cheerful/
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Which one of Sir Arthur’s knights made the round table?

Sir cumfrence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b38b90/which_one_of_sir_arthurs_knights_made_the_round/
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Two blondes are building a house

As they're hammering away, one blonde notices that the other is discarding every other nail she picks up.
Blonde 1: What are you doing?!
Blonde 2: These nails are no good. The pointy part is on the wrong end.
Blonde 1: You dumbass! Those are for the other side of the house!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3886a/two_blondes_are_building_a_house/
%
There are 2 fish in a tank.

One of them looks at the other and says "How do we drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b386en/there_are_2_fish_in_a_tank/
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A boy wants to ring a giant bell...

As a boy is walking down the street, he spots a bell tower. Seeing the bell, he makes his way to the very top of the tower. When he gets to the top, he finds a priest, just standing there.
The boy asked the priest "Is it okay if I ring the bell, Father?"
The priest replied "By all means, go ahead."
The boy tried to pull on the rope to ring the bell, but he was too weak and the rope wouldn't budge. Then he got an idea. He walks to the edge of the tower, then sprints full speed into the bell, which then lets out a loud boom. Disoriented, the boy ends up stumbling off of the tower, landing on the ground below.
When an ambulance arrives, a paramedic asks the priest "Did you know this boy, Father?"
The priest replies "I did not know the boy, but his face sure rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b37zd7/a_boy_wants_to_ring_a_giant_bell/
%
I lost my virginity to a disabled girl

I always wanted my first time to be special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b37wop/i_lost_my_virginity_to_a_disabled_girl/
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What did the megabyte say to the kilobyte when he punched him 1 million times?

That giga-hurts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b37sma/what_did_the_megabyte_say_to_the_kilobyte_when_he/
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What do you get if you burn down Woolworths?

Coles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b37nkx/what_do_you_get_if_you_burn_down_woolworths/
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How are Princess Diana, Dale Earnhardt, and Pink Floyd related?

Their last greatest hit was The Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b37hfq/how_are_princess_diana_dale_earnhardt_and_pink/
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I wondered why the ball was getting bigger

And then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b37etz/i_wondered_why_the_ball_was_getting_bigger/
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A Perilous Situation

A blonde and a redhead are hanging from a cliff by a rope. Things don't look good; the rope will surely snap from their combined weight. Unless one of them lets go, they'll both die. The redhead tells the blonde this. A tense silence falls over them. Finally, the redhead sighs.
"I never thought I'd be in a situation where I'd sacrifice my life for someone else. But I knew that if the moment ever came, I'd gladly trade my life for someone I love. It's been an honor to have you in my life. I'm blessed to be able to call you my friend. I'm ready to meet God. I only ask that you live a happy and successful life. Be the best person you can be, okay?"
Moved by her friend's beautiful speech, the blonde starts clapping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b37e28/a_perilous_situation/
%
How do you get pikachu and squirtle on a bus?

You poke 'em on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b378lj/how_do_you_get_pikachu_and_squirtle_on_a_bus/
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What did they call Batman when he was little?

Lil Wayne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b377xq/what_did_they_call_batman_when_he_was_little/
%
If Jesus was born on Christmas and was resurrected on Easter, what happened on Black Friday?

Sales at K-Mart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3779m/if_jesus_was_born_on_christmas_and_was/
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Called my wife fat forever ago, and she's never let me live in down

That's cause elephants never forget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b376ep/called_my_wife_fat_forever_ago_and_shes_never_let/
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A Russian, a German and an American walk into a bar...

I ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b375zs/a_russian_a_german_and_an_american_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How does a penguin build a house?

Igloos it together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3751g/how_does_a_penguin_build_a_house/
%
I named my dick cancer.

Because whenever someone gets it, they will do anything to get it out of their life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b374b7/i_named_my_dick_cancer/
%
How you drown a hipster?

You put them in a mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b36z7s/how_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
You know how they say blondes are dumb?

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop
She's greeted by the cashier who says welcome to my ice cream shop we have almost every flavor you can think of but unfortunately we are out of all chocolate items including ice cream and toppings so what are you having today miss?
She replies can I have a scoop of chocolate ice cream?
The cashier says sorry miss as I stated before we are out of all chocolate items.
She replies ok well can I i have a scoop of vanilla with chocolate sprinkles?
The cashier says sorry miss we are out of all chocolate items.
She asks can I have butter pecan with a chocolate cone?
Now The cashier is irritated but calmly says ok miss let's try this:
Spell CAT as in Catastrophe
She spells C-A-T, CAT
The cashier says good! Now spell FISH as in Fisherman
She spells F-I-S-H, FISH
The cashier says excellent! Now spell FUCK as in Chocolate
She starts to spell F-U.... Wait! There's no FUCK in Chocolate!
That's what I been trying to tell you all along! The cashier yells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b36y2n/you_know_how_they_say_blondes_are_dumb/
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A blonde orders a medium pizza

The cashier asks if she wants it cut into four or eight slices.
"Hmm... four.  I don't think I can eat eight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b36t8j/a_blonde_orders_a_medium_pizza/
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GOD: "Hey, let's make Vampires REAL. . .!"

God: "They shall drink BLOOD!"
God: "They shall be responsible for the DEATHS of more humans in history than any other creature!"
God: ". . . And they can FLY!"
God: . . .But let's troll them so they can only make annoying high pitched whiny noises
God: . . .And are only 1/2" tall. At most.
\*Creates Mosquito\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b36s1l/god_hey_lets_make_vampires_real/
%
Why do Stalinist KGB Agents travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b36nrv/why_do_stalinist_kgb_agents_travel_in_groups_of/
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A man and a woman are lying in bed after a disappointing round of sex

The woman says, "You have a very small organ."
To which the man replies, "Well, I didn't expect to be playing Carnegie Hall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b36ngt/a_man_and_a_woman_are_lying_in_bed_after_a/
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I used my friends phone to call my girlfriend

when she picked up she said "hey babe," it was so cute how she recognized me without even talking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b36jw5/i_used_my_friends_phone_to_call_my_girlfriend/
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What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drinker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b36jp5/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
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Blonde joke

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says
‘Come again’
The blonde replies
‘No it’s toothpaste this time’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b36jes/blonde_joke/
%
Three men are walking home one night... (long) (nsfw)

Three men are walking home one night. Their path brings them through an alleyway.  A crazy woman jumps them with a gun, and says that she will kill them unless their combined penis length was at least 15 inches.
So the first man pulls his out, and it is 8 inches. The second pulls out his own member, which is 6 inches long. Finally, the third man pulls out his and it measures exactly 1 inch. True to her word, the woman let’s them go.
Later, the three men are sitting in a bar together and discussing how lucky they are. The first man says, “Thank god I have a big dick!”
The second man says, “Thank god I have an average sized dick!”
The third man says, “Thank god I had a boner!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b36g5t/three_men_are_walking_home_one_night_long_nsfw/
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A sea captain sees smoke on the horizon and orders his ship to go investigate....

...as the ship gets closer to the smoke the captain can see through his binoculars that there is a fire burning on a small island, and a shirtless man jumping up and down waving his shirt like a flag. Just beyond the man and the fire there are three small grass huts. The captain orders the ship to get as close as it can to the island, and then sends out a small rescue boat. The boat returns with the exhausted man who is gleefully shouting "thank you Lord for rescuing me!" The captain asks the man " how long have you've been stranded on this island?" The man replies "oh, for several years, and I've prayed every day to be rescued." The captain then asks "how many of you were on the island?" The man replies "just me sir" the captain then says "well I'm confused, I can clearly see three small grass huts, and it's only you? Why build three huts?" The man replies " well that first hut, that's my home, it's where I've lived these last several years. That second hut, well that's my church. I go there every Sunday and pray to be rescued." The captain then asks "what about that third hut?" The man replies "oh that? Well that's just the church I used to go to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b36f09/a_sea_captain_sees_smoke_on_the_horizon_and/
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There once was this guy......

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.
When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.''
He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.
They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b36cnv/there_once_was_this_guy/
%
What spacecraft is the sorriest?

Apollo g

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b36bgb/what_spacecraft_is_the_sorriest/
%
What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b36af7/whats_the_difference_between_a_casino_and_a_church/
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When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof proof...

I was shocked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b369xj/when_i_found_out_my_toaster_wasnt_waterproof_proof/
%
Are Confederate statues racist?

Generally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b366ka/are_confederate_statues_racist/
%
What do you call paraplegics in a post-apocalypse?

meals on wheels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b35ym6/what_do_you_call_paraplegics_in_a_postapocalypse/
%
What do french people call hot dogs?

Ouiners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b35xic/what_do_french_people_call_hot_dogs/
%
There were two brothers....

One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn’t care who he hurt. The bad brother died.
He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.
Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy. One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn’t seen him there. God said that he wassorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.
The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, “I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don’t understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde. It hardly seems like a punishment”.
God said unto him, “Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b35wk5/there_were_two_brothers/
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What happens when you squeeze a smurf?

You papa smurf!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b35ozn/what_happens_when_you_squeeze_a_smurf/
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A beetle was happily eating a cucumber, but then the cucumber suddenly was immersed in vinegar

As the beetle started to burn it thought, *"Uh oh, now I'm really in a pickle."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b35na3/a_beetle_was_happily_eating_a_cucumber_but_then/
%
Embrace you mistakes

My significant other and I were discussing mistakes we have made in our relationship.
I suggested she should embrace her mistakes.
She then hugged me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b35mne/embrace_you_mistakes/
%
What do funerals and tuberculosis have in common?

Coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b35mhq/what_do_funerals_and_tuberculosis_have_in_common/
%
What do you call a sleepwalking nun ?

A roamin' Catholic
.
.
Oh look there's the door...bye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b35m7m/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
%
A hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82

I’m easily lead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b35l7r/a_hypnotist_once_convinced_me_i_was_a_soft/
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The difference between theory and reality

A boy asks his dad for help. He needs to know the difference between theoretically and realistically for his homework. So dad tells him to go ask the rest of the family members if they would sleep with Brad Pitt, for a million dollars. He asks his mom, and she answers, "Yea. He's so handsome. And we could use the money." His sister is a bit more enthusiastic, " You bet, I'd do him for half that!" Lastly, he asks his older brother, who says, "Yes, yes I would..." The  boy returns to his father, tells him all the answers. His father looks at him very serious, "Well son, theoretically, we've got three million. Realistically, we've got two sluts, and a queer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b35kpg/the_difference_between_theory_and_reality/
%
Your Uncle Jack is Stuck On a Horse

Would you help your Uncle Jack off a horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b35g6r/your_uncle_jack_is_stuck_on_a_horse/
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What kind kind of triangle is a tortilla chip?

An i-salsa-les triangle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b35du2/what_kind_kind_of_triangle_is_a_tortilla_chip/
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You know... You don't really see many necrophiliacs anymore.

It's like they're fucking dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b35crp/you_know_you_dont_really_see_many_necrophiliacs/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

The road betrayed it first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b35741/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
When I was younger, I owned a dog named curiosity.

I also owned a cat but, you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b356sa/when_i_was_younger_i_owned_a_dog_named_curiosity/
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The Hindenburg



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b356cz/the_hindenburg/
%
A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”
P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”
The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. The first person to walk into the booth is a man.
M- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I have lied to my wife”
The janitor looks at the chart and finds lying
J- “ just say 2 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgiven”
The next person to walk into the booth is a little boy
LB- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I stole something from the store”
The janitor looks on the chart for stealing and says “ just say 3 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgiven”
The next person to walk into the booth is a woman
W- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I cheated on my husband and gave another man a blow job”
The janitor looks on the chart for blow job but he can’t find it. The janitor runs out of the booth in a hurry and sprints into the church. In the church he spots an alter boy.
J- “Timmy! Timmy! What does father Nelson usually give for a blow job! ?”
Timmy- “ usually a bag of chips and a can of pop”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3548s/a_catholic_priest_goes_on_vacation_and_asks_the/
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What’s the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3540u/whats_the_difference_between_three_dicks_and_a/
%
That last avengers movie..

Was over in a snap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b351yt/that_last_avengers_movie/
%
My wife didn’t believe that I would give our daughter an embarrassing name.

But I decided to call her Bluff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b351w2/my_wife_didnt_believe_that_i_would_give_our/
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My wife said I looked skinny.

I said, "Thanks. You should try it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b34ya7/my_wife_said_i_looked_skinny/
%
Prescription of sex

My doctor wrote a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b34ra0/prescription_of_sex/
%
What do you call a friendly crocodile ?

An ally-gator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b34miw/what_do_you_call_a_friendly_crocodile/
%
What do you call taco sauce protectors?

Mild Protective Services

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b34cpa/what_do_you_call_taco_sauce_protectors/
%
I tried to join in on #trashtag, but now I'm in jail.

Apparently it doesn't matter how annoying they are, you can't just clear out white trash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b34bl8/i_tried_to_join_in_on_trashtag_but_now_im_in_jail/
%
If King Kong ever went to China, he'd be called

Ching Chong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b349k8/if_king_kong_ever_went_to_china_hed_be_called/
%
Why does Reddit have 2 d's?

The second one is a repost....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b347p8/why_does_reddit_have_2_ds/
%
What do you call a dodgy Italian neighborhood?

A spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b343f8/what_do_you_call_a_dodgy_italian_neighborhood/
%
I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b342q2/i_threw_my_laptop_into_the_sea_last_week/
%
Another Blonde Joke

A blonde, an American, and a Russian are in a bar, bragging about why they're better. The Russian says, "We were the first into space!" The American says, "We were the first on the moon!" The blonde says,"Well we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The American says,"You know you can't do that, right? You'll burn up before you get there." The blonde says,"Well we're not dumb! We're going to go at night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b33z9p/another_blonde_joke/
%
J.K. Rowling recently tweeted out that Hogwarts actually has a full gym for wizards to exercise and lift weights

The entrance is called the Dumbbell Door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b33yt2/jk_rowling_recently_tweeted_out_that_hogwarts/
%
What's blue an not very heavy?

Light blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b33xeo/whats_blue_an_not_very_heavy/
%
I was gonna tell Catholic jokes...

...but those have been abused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b33vx5/i_was_gonna_tell_catholic_jokes/
%
I witnessed a motorcyclist hit a tree today.

The driver walked away without injury though.
I guess the tree was all bark and no bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b33u6i/i_witnessed_a_motorcyclist_hit_a_tree_today/
%
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Stick it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b33ntn/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
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Toy Story 4 introduces sex toys...

Incidentally enough, they're also named Woody and Buzz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b33m2r/toy_story_4_introduces_sex_toys/
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Some nsfw funnies I remembered

1)
There was a dad whose response was very odd to stuff asked by his son.
S: Can I ride my bike to school?
D: Does your dick touch your asshole?
S: No
D: Well there's your answer
So on and so forth, "Can I date girls?", "Can I smoke?", "Can I skip school today?"
One day the kid $10,000 in the lottery and dad starts eyeing the money.
D: Can I get some of the $10,000
S: Does your dick touch your asshole?
Dad thinking he'd outsmart the kid.
D: Yes it very much does
S: Then go fuck yourself.
__________________________________________________
2)
We all know mango trees take long time to bear fruit, it can take almost 30 years for it to bear fruit. One day a kid sees an old man planting a mango tree and starts.
K: Old Man why do you plant this mango tree?
OM: So that it may bear fruits.
K: Don't you know it will take a long time?
OM: Yes it will take long
K: Then why do you plant it still?
OM: Son go eat a fat dick, this is my land and I'll plant the fuck I want.
__________________________________________________
3)
An old couple reminiscing of their younger days decide they'd visit all the places they did it. They go to the beach, the park, the zoo and many others and finally they reach the house of their old neighbors. The house has been sold to a young man and the old man tells him what they are doing and he is more than happy to let them into his backyard. The old couple reminisces while the young man hides and listens in on them.
OM: I can just remember it like it was yesterday, it's great we decided to visit all the places. It was 30 years ago wasn't it?
OW: Honey, all these memories have tingled me, why not we do it here now.
OM: I am up for it.
And they proceed to start making love and the OW grabs the fence and the OM starts jerking like the devil has possessed him. They go about it for 15 mins and finally fall down to the ground. The young man comes out
YM: Wow, you guys have definitely not lost to age. What's your secret? Even I can't perform so well, I can't imagine what you did 30 years ago.
OM: 30 years ago the fence wasn't electrified.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
4)
One day some soldiers were being discharged. These guys had been through hell in a Afghanistan, so the big bosses decided to reward them more than just a pension. So they said "Guys measure anywhere on your body and for every inch you'll get $100, this is the least we can do".
S1: I'd like to be measured from the top of my head to my foot please. (Measured 80 inches got $8000)
S2: I'd like it from the tip of my fingers to the tip of my toes.(Measure 100 inches got $10,000)
S3: I'd like to be measured from the tip of my penis to my balls please.
Big Brass: Are you sure? Pick something else
S3: Nope, please measure.
So they begin to measure, 4,5,6 inches....
Big Brass: S3 where are your balls?
S3: Back in Afghanistan sir!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b33k34/some_nsfw_funnies_i_remembered/
%
I just bought PornHub Premium.

And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b336hu/i_just_bought_pornhub_premium/
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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b336as/my_life_completely_changed_after_i_learned_morse/
%
Why was the origami master so bad at poker?

Because they folded every hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32zcg/why_was_the_origami_master_so_bad_at_poker/
%
What’s hitlers least favorite planet?

Jew-piter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32wxm/whats_hitlers_least_favorite_planet/
%
Pay me $10 and I'll play accordion for you

Pay me $100 and I won't play it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32wkv/pay_me_10_and_ill_play_accordion_for_you/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32vsy/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32ugi/why_do_cows_have_bells/
%
Me: “Dad am I adopted?”

Dad: “Now why the fuck would I pick you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32ub0/me_dad_am_i_adopted/
%
Did you hear about the boxing pirate?

He had a mean left hook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32sor/did_you_hear_about_the_boxing_pirate/
%
The nurse at the admissions desk kept misrecording each patient's blood-types..

His inability to use a keyboard definitely resulted in a whole lot of Type-Os!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32s6w/the_nurse_at_the_admissions_desk_kept/
%
Flight attendant: can I offer some free head phones?

Guy: definitely but how did you know my name is Phones?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32oop/flight_attendant_can_i_offer_some_free_head_phones/
%
What do gay horses eat?

*Hayyyyyyyyyyy*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32ohj/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
%
What language does a gay scottish man speak?

Gay lick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32mpn/what_language_does_a_gay_scottish_man_speak/
%
A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident...

The doctors save his life but he loses an eye. Before a glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there," His friend responds. "She has a really big nose."
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32hqe/a_very_handsome_man_gets_into_a_terrible_car/
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I have decided that I will not vaccinate my children.

I think it should be done by a doctor with experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32e62/i_have_decided_that_i_will_not_vaccinate_my/
%
Did you know hitler was blind

It's true he could not see (Nazi)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32aob/did_you_know_hitler_was_blind/
%
An irish dwarf and a doctor walk into a bar

, its about 5 in the afternoon but they start putting down drinks like no other. The dwarf not wanting to risk it and drive home decides to call his wife for a ride. He tells her "i was just with a doctor, and I'm a wee bit smashed" and she tells him "Really? I just thought you were born that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b32034/an_irish_dwarf_and_a_doctor_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I’m certain my best friend is having an affair with my wife.

He’s just been so miserable lately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b31z27/im_certain_my_best_friend_is_having_an_affair/
%
Just been on a diabetes awareness website....

It asked me if i accept cookies.
Is that a trick question?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b31vvb/just_been_on_a_diabetes_awareness_website/
%
Wanna hear a dick joke

Never mind it's too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b31tyl/wanna_hear_a_dick_joke/
%
An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b31ph9/an_old_woman_visits_a_lawyer_to_draw_up_a_will_he/
%
A German Shepherd walks into a Western Union

He goes up to the window,  noses a form toward the clerk, and seems to indicate he wants to send a  message.
The clerk is amused and laughs a little as she says, "okay, boy, what do you want it to say?"
The dog barks, "Woof-woof, woof-woof-woof, woof, woof-woof."
The clerk giggles as she dutifully fills in the spaces, then says, "well, that's only eight words - you can add two more for the same price!" and busts out laughing.
The dog cocks his head to one side, licks his jowls, and says, "why the fuck would I do that? I already said all I had to say."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b31nwa/a_german_shepherd_walks_into_a_western_union/
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What do you call it when a bisexual person shoots down flirtations from both men and women?

A double bi-pass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b31l74/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_bisexual_person_shoots/
%
How do you know if an old guy fought in Vietnam?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b31fe0/how_do_you_know_if_an_old_guy_fought_in_vietnam/
%
A Girl and Guy are laying in bed...

She turns to him and says,
"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Hebrew."
He said: "That doesn't bother me any!"
She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Shebrew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b31fcf/a_girl_and_guy_are_laying_in_bed/
%
Why is PETA such an inefficient organization?

They refuse to kill two birds with one stone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b31dka/why_is_peta_such_an_inefficient_organization/
%
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents

One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b31c8f/i_dont_know_why_everyone_is_so_upset_about/
%
My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.
On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it be ?
Then the doorbell rang again. He got up and walked up to the door.
As he opened the door, he was greeted by this young bombshell blonde, donned in a sexy little red dress with matching red lipstick and red heels.
As he says Hi,
she replies - Are you George ?
He says- Yes, I am.
She says - I am from SuperSex.
George pauses for a minute.
And then says nonchalantly, I'll have the soup please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b317p9/my_patient_just_told_me_this_joke_and_i_cant_stop/
%
There's no such thing as a candle that has no smell.

It just wouldn't make any scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b314qt/theres_no_such_thing_as_a_candle_that_has_no_smell/
%
Why are forests so creepy?

Because the trees are all shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b314fe/why_are_forests_so_creepy/
%
A med school student walks into a bar...

but he was not prepared for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b31181/a_med_school_student_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.
“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick tick tick...”
The officer asks further questions but the soldier responds each time with only “Tick tick tick...”
Frustrated, the officer tells the soldier, “Very vell. I will return tomorrow. Let me warn you, we will find out vhat we vant to know.”
Sure enough the officer returns the next day and asks his questions. Each time, the soldier only says “Tick tick tick...”
“You vill regret it if you do not tell us,” says the officer menacingly at the end of their session. But the soldier just smiles.
On the third day, the officer returns once again, this time carrying a wicked looking knife. “I am losing patience,” says the officer. “Vhere is your unit based?”
The soldier opens his mouth to respond but before he can do so, the officer interrupts him brandishing the knife. “Before you answer, let me remind you. Ve have ways of making you tock!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b30u8i/an_american_soldier_was_captured_by_the_germans/
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What do you do to an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b30rfg/what_do_you_do_to_an_elephant_with_three_balls/
%
What do you call a book club that only reads one book?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b30foq/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_that_only_reads_one/
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Just when you find out someone has 10,000 bees, marry them

That’s when you know they’re a keeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b30ajn/just_when_you_find_out_someone_has_10000_bees/
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Fifty!

Bob is strolling down the sidewalk along Main Street when he encounters another man, out in the street, jumping up and down on a manhole cover, yelling "Fifty!" with every jump.
Intrigued, Bob approaches the man and asks him, "Good sir, for what good reason are you jumping on this manhole cover, and what does 'Fifty!' mean?"
The man stops jumping for a moment and, out of breath, excitedly tells Bob, "This is great exercise, and it makes me feel really good. Fifty is as high as I can count, so I just repeat that number. It's not the number that matters, I'll just stop when I get tired!" The man continues jumping on the manhole cover and yelling "Fifty!".
Bob has been feeling a bit out of shape lately, and seeing that this man is obviously in peak physical condition, he decides that he wants to try this new exercise regimen. He gets the man's attention again and asks, "Sir, would you mind taking a short rest while I try this out?" The man smiles broadly and graciously steps off the manhole cover. "Of course, my friend! I only hope you'll enjoy it as much as I do!"
Bob steps onto the manhole cover, and after feeling that it is solid, begins to jump and count, "One!, Two!, Three!"
"Jump as high as you can! Really get into it!", urges the man.
Bob is now jumping as high as he can, "Four!, Five!, Six!"
At the height of Bob's seventh leap, the man quickly bends down and snatches the manhole cover out of its hole, sending Bob straight down into the sewer below, a 20-foot drop. The man quickly replaces the manhole cover, looks around, sees that nobody has been watching, and continues his jumping.
"Fifty-one!, Fifty-one!, Fifty-one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b309ld/fifty/
%
What’s the difference between a folder of an artist work and a diseased strong hold?

One’s a portfolio, and the other’s fort polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b3063d/whats_the_difference_between_a_folder_of_an/
%
A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane that is about to crash.

The Jew says a prayer and jumps off, survives the landing but dies in the hospital. The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off, and becomes paralyzed for the rest of his life, but survives the fall. The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand, and says,"Thank God." The hand then proceeds drops him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b300xu/a_catholic_a_jew_and_a_buddhist_are_on_a_plane/
%
Have you ever found yourself staring at a deadline, with no real work done, and then going to your teacher to beg for an extention?

Well then you know how UK feels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2zz16/have_you_ever_found_yourself_staring_at_a/
%
A duck walks into a bar...

And orders the fish dinner. The bartender brings the meal and goes on to serve other customers, when he notices the duck hasn't touched his meal, so he asks "is everything all right with the food?"
"Check please" said the duck
"Is everything all right?" asked the bartender "You haven't touched your fish"
And the duck replied "I cant eat without a bill"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2zv1k/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If you're Stalin, then you'll be Russian!

If I'm Russian, then Soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2zrzc/if_youre_stalin_then_youll_be_russian/
%
So I went onto r/wooooosh for the first time today...

I just don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2zqj5/so_i_went_onto_rwooooosh_for_the_first_time_today/
%
A chemist froze himself at-273C

Everyone said he was crazy. But he was 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2zpcs/a_chemist_froze_himself_at273c/
%
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder

1.	The DNA all matches
2.	There are no dental records

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2zo1o/two_reasons_why_its_hard_to_solve_a_redneck_murder/
%
One day children are learning the word contagious.

They are told to use the word in a sentence. Mary says,"I had to stay home from school because I had a contagious disease." Steve says,"My neighbor was painting the fence and my dad said it will take that contagious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2zmmp/one_day_children_are_learning_the_word_contagious/
%
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."
Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."
The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."
The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2zklq/a_russian_enters_a_bar_full_of_turkish_people/
%
My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth

so he could a get a closer shave on my cheek.
I asked him "what happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?"
He replied " you can bring it back tomorrow just like everybody else who does "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2zk0m/my_barber_told_me_to_put_a_ball_in_my_mouth/
%
It already wasn't easy to accept that my father is gay. But it was even more difficult when I eventually discovered that...

...my other father is too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2zilu/it_already_wasnt_easy_to_accept_that_my_father_is/
%
A woman aska a man

[22:00]
Honey, what's more important to you?
Football or me?
[23:45]
You my love!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2zhg3/a_woman_aska_a_man/
%
A Pony in Striped Pyjama

A zebra lived her whole life in a zoo but was getting on in age, so the zoo decided to let her spend her final years on a farm. The zebra was excited to see a huge pasture with green grass and hills and many strange animals.
She went up to a fat brown thing and said, "I'm a zebra, what are you?"
"I'm a cow."
"What do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
Then the zebra went up to a little white bird and said, "I'm a zebra, what are you?"
"I'm a chicken."
"What do you do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."
Then the zebra went up to a handsome beast that looked a lot like her except with no stripes and said, "What are you?"
"I'm a stallion."
"What do you do?"
"How about you take off them fancy pajamas and I'll show you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2zbgi/a_pony_in_striped_pyjama/
%
My mom decided she would be happier as a man, so she got a sex change. We never saw her again.

She's transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2zax8/my_mom_decided_she_would_be_happier_as_a_man_so/
%
Did you hear about the Spanish speaking magician?

He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2z7bu/did_you_hear_about_the_spanish_speaking_magician/
%
In a survival situation you can drink your own urine.

Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2z76e/in_a_survival_situation_you_can_drink_your_own/
%
A young boy asks his dad:

"Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?"
The dad replies: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend next door is also my son, that is confidential."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2z758/a_young_boy_asks_his_dad/
%
A man REALLY has to pee

He walks into the restroom of a venue and stands in front of a urinal.Suddenly he hears a weird sound and looks to his side. There hee sees another guy peeing but with two streams!
Intrigued. He asks how that's possible, two streams! The other guy looks up and explains he’s a veteran and by bad luck got a bullet through his manhood.
The man lets it rest, but a while later sees another guy peeing with three streams!Again the man asks how it's possible and get’s explained that he is also a veteran and his manhood got hit by two bullets!
Again Intrigued. The man turns around and by chance sees a third guy peeing but with almost a hundred streams.A HUNDRED! Bewildered the man asks how it's possible he got hit by so many bullets?
Embarrassed the third guy turn around and says: No, you see. I couldn’t get my zipper open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2yzbu/a_man_really_has_to_pee/
%
A snail took his car to a paint shop.

He had them paint a giant S on the side. When he was cruising down the street someone yelled out at him. "Look at that S car go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2yy9r/a_snail_took_his_car_to_a_paint_shop/
%
I threw a boomerang a few years back

I now live in constant fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2yv5b/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_back/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call him anything you like, he isn’t coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2yoen/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television

The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2yfnt/a_guy_and_his_wife_are_sitting_and_watching_a/
%
A drunk man goes to chemist & shouts: “I want condom”

Chemist: “Sir, please be decent”
Drunk man puts his dick on table and said: “ Do you have clothes for this gentleman”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ydna/a_drunk_man_goes_to_chemist_shouts_i_want_condom/
%
Black people usually name their kids after stuff they can't afford.

Like Mercedes, Diamond, Hope, or Insurance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ybhu/black_people_usually_name_their_kids_after_stuff/
%
How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky? Louie-ville or Louis-ville?

It's Frankfort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2y9x3/how_do_you_pronounce_the_capital_of_kentucky/
%
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2y5st/i_met_a_girl_at_a_club_the_other_night_she_told/
%
Two old friends meet passing on the street one day.

One seemed hopeless, and  almost on the verge of tears.
His friend asked, "What has the world done  to you?"
The sad man said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle  died and left me forty thousand dollars."
His friend said,"That's not bad."
"But  you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left  me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"So" his friend replied,"Sounds like you should be  grateful..."
"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my  great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
Now  the friend was really confused. "Then, why are you so sad?"
"This  week........................................... nothing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2y3ob/two_old_friends_meet_passing_on_the_street_one_day/
%
Recent study shows leading cause of dehydration in children:

Bedtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2y37z/recent_study_shows_leading_cause_of_dehydration/
%
Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2xuu2/whoever_coined_the_phrase_dadbod_missed_a_golden/
%
You have to wonder about the people who go 10 miles below the speed limit.

How did they get so far underground?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2xt9m/you_have_to_wonder_about_the_people_who_go_10/
%
I couldn't sleep last night..

.. because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2xsax/i_couldnt_sleep_last_night/
%
"Yo Momma" jokes are so lame, old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times..

...Just like yo momma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2xo85/yo_momma_jokes_are_so_lame_old_stupid_and_have/
%
A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2x6vy/a_man_goes_to_a_fortune_teller_to_see_his_future/
%
What's a pirate's favorite device to store data on ?

CD-RUM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2x30y/whats_a_pirates_favorite_device_to_store_data_on/
%
Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc".

Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wz67/coffee_spelled_backwards_is_eeffoc/
%
The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it

and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wyyi/the_difference_between_men_and_women_is_that_men/
%
Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."

Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wyt9/bank_teller_sir_your_account_is_overdrawn/
%
Teenage girl on phone

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wyl4/teenage_girl_on_phone/
%
Where does Keanu Reeves go to do his research?

Wick-ipedia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wyjy/where_does_keanu_reeves_go_to_do_his_research/
%
Did you ever wonder...

how many animals our ancestors had to sit on before they learned that horses were the most capable?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wrsv/did_you_ever_wonder/
%
What did the Ghost teacher say to her class?

Look at the board, I'll go through it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wrqk/what_did_the_ghost_teacher_say_to_her_class/
%
I now understand the 52 genders

Male, female, and 50 shades of gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wqu8/i_now_understand_the_52_genders/
%
I’m reading my first horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen

I can feel it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wjcr/im_reading_my_first_horror_story_in_braille/
%
The alarm went off when I was trying to have sex...

I was Clock-Blocked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wi6i/the_alarm_went_off_when_i_was_trying_to_have_sex/
%
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wemg/how_did_the_telephone_propose_to_his_girlfriend/
%
A blonde joke

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wdzm/a_blonde_joke/
%
I asked the guy sitting next to me if he got any sodium Hypobromite,

He said NaBrO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wd6c/i_asked_the_guy_sitting_next_to_me_if_he_got_any/
%
An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach...

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach wearing Speedo’s. While walking they get a lot of attention from women, but it seems that all the women are interested in the Italian guy!
After the day was over the guys are hanging out and the polish guy asks, “Ok you have to tell me what’s going on, I’m not bad looking, I’m athletic and physically fit.... what’s your secret? Why are they all into you?”
The Italian says, “Ok, tomorrow when we walk the beach, put a potato in your speedo.”
The polish nods his head in understanding.
The next day they walk the beach again, but strangely it happens again! All the women are only interested in the Italian guy...
That evening the Polish guy ask him again, “Man, I did what you said and nothing... WHAT IS YOUR SECRET!?!”
The Italian guy says, “Ok bro, tomorrow, put the potato in the front...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wb15/an_italian_and_a_polish_guy_are_walking_down_the/
%
What do you call an internet page dedicated to anime?

A weebsite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2wa2r/what_do_you_call_an_internet_page_dedicated_to/
%
TEA PATIENT

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2w80x/tea_patient/
%
my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid

"it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.”
my dad: "what kind is it?"
my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2w7l5/my_grandma_talking_to_my_dad_about_her_new/
%
during the week, I have people to see, and things to do.

But on the weekend, if I'm lucky I get to switch it around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2w5d6/during_the_week_i_have_people_to_see_and_things/
%
My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2w3xh/my_rapper_friend_has_started_a_really_successful/
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How many Grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?

Too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2w3xb/how_many_grammar_nazis_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2w0pz/australian_olympic_hurdler_sees_another_athlete/
%
You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2vzda/you_are_on_a_horse_galloping_at_a_constant_speed/
%
When is 1 + 1 equal to 3?

When you don’t use a condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2vycl/when_is_1_1_equal_to_3/
%
So a duck walks into a bar...

And he says to the man running the bar, "Hey *bum bum bum* got any grapes?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2vubb/so_a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,
"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."
He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"
She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2vphw/a_girl_and_guy_are_laying_in_bed_after_sex/
%
What do they call a talkative Colombian?

Hablo Escobar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2vnd3/what_do_they_call_a_talkative_colombian/
%
Best math teacher ever!

Mr. Johnson never makes us do any work, so all 25 of us are pitching in $6.17 to get him that cool new $50,000 Corvette he wants.  Thanks Mr. Johnson!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2vlhh/best_math_teacher_ever/
%
I tripped over my wife’s bra.

It was a booby trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2vkqs/i_tripped_over_my_wifes_bra/
%
I met a woman who was honest about going exclusively for assholes last night

And now, mine hurts too bad to go to the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2vca1/i_met_a_woman_who_was_honest_about_going/
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Hunchbacks would make great detectives

They can start off every investigation saying, "Hmm, I have a hunch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2vbqz/hunchbacks_would_make_great_detectives/
%
I got locked in a mirror shop last night.

On the plus side, it gave me time to reflect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2vat1/i_got_locked_in_a_mirror_shop_last_night/
%
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man how to phish, and he'll probably become a Nigerian Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2va8x/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_will_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
I don't often....

tell dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2v4v4/i_dont_often/
%
Vegans don't like gatherings.

They just can't meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2v0rt/vegans_dont_like_gatherings/
%
The three most arguably important historical revolutions:

The Russian, the French, and dance dance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2uw56/the_three_most_arguably_important_historical/
%
A man want to be a trapper, so he goes to the trapper's association to know how he can become one. There is only one old man inside, and he tell him:

"That is very simple, you see, you must go through these 3 rooms. In the first one, there is a bottle of whisky : you drink it. In the second one, there is a bear : you strangle it. In the third one, there is a indian woman : you rape her. So the wannabe trapper go inside the first room and go out a minute later, staggering a bit. He go into the second room, there are horrible noise for 15 minutes. Finally, he go out, with his clothes ripped, shouting: "THAT'S DONE, NOW WHERE IS THE INDIAN WOMAN I MUST STRANGLE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2uuc9/a_man_want_to_be_a_trapper_so_he_goes_to_the/
%
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and re-sell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2utnw/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
%
What do you do if a blonde girl throws a grenade at you?

You remove the pin then throw it back at her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2up35/what_do_you_do_if_a_blonde_girl_throws_a_grenade/
%
5 ppl in Audi Quattro

5 Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian Border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them,
"It's a illegala to putta 5 People in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" Asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian Official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze Automobile...." The German says unbelievingly,
"Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 Persons".
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian Customs Officer, "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the Law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry...." Responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come.
He'sa busy with 2 Passengers who arrived in a Fiat Uno."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ukn1/5_ppl_in_audi_quattro/
%
I bought a dog off a black smith once

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ujno/i_bought_a_dog_off_a_black_smith_once/
%
I wasn’t cut out for skydiving school

So I dropped out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ujah/i_wasnt_cut_out_for_skydiving_school/
%
Did you hear about the self-portrait scandal?

Turns out, he was framed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ui5g/did_you_hear_about_the_selfportrait_scandal/
%
I Just had a mole removed from my penis.

The animal shelter said if it happens again they’re going to press charges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ueab/i_just_had_a_mole_removed_from_my_penis/
%
Why do English teachers hate anal sex?

Because they can't stand it when you misuse a colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2udtm/why_do_english_teachers_hate_anal_sex/
%
I'm a sailor

There's this new girl conductor at the pier we pulled in yesterday. I wanted to ask her out, but she kept sending mixed signals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ub5w/im_a_sailor/
%
Why didn't the millennial like this joke?

there was nothing wrong with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2u33p/why_didnt_the_millennial_like_this_joke/
%
Peter wakes up one morning

"I don't wanna go to the school!"
"Give me one good reason why you should stay home!"
"I can give you three: I don't like the school cafeteria's food, I don't like the teachers and I don't like the students"
"Well, Peter, I've already packed your lunch. You're 54 years old and the principal. GO TO WORK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2u2xh/peter_wakes_up_one_morning/
%
My nose gets clogged and unclogged periodically

It's sinusoidal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2u0cu/my_nose_gets_clogged_and_unclogged_periodically/
%
So one time, I had a crush on my female teacher...

But then I remembered I was homeschooled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2tvf8/so_one_time_i_had_a_crush_on_my_female_teacher/
%
Do you know the real reason Bigfoot is so good at hiding?

...he owes Chuck Norris money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2tux2/do_you_know_the_real_reason_bigfoot_is_so_good_at/
%
*Dad jokes intensify*

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2tph4/dad_jokes_intensify/
%
I do embrace change.

But I rather prefer notes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2tn8s/i_do_embrace_change/
%
An 11 year old boy just told me his anti-vaxx joke

Knock knock!
“Who’s there?”
Unvaccinated kid!
“Unvaccinated kid who?”
Oh never mind, it’s an open casket funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2tjcq/an_11_year_old_boy_just_told_me_his_antivaxx_joke/
%
A new study has found that 98% of vehicular collisions with crows in Boston involve trucks and other large vehicles

Apparently they can all yell “cah, cah,”  but not “bus, bus.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2tig5/a_new_study_has_found_that_98_of_vehicular/
%
A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f\*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2thcs/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
%
What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

The longer you play with them, the harder they get!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2tepb/what_does_a_rubix_cube_and_a_penis_have_in_common/
%
What do Dwayne Johnson impersonators and three-leaf clovers have in common?

They're both shamrocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2tch0/what_do_dwayne_johnson_impersonators_and/
%
I got mugged by 6 dwarfs the other day...

Not Happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2tbqt/i_got_mugged_by_6_dwarfs_the_other_day/
%
You cannot compare Steve Jobs with Donald Trump.

Apples vs. oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2taqy/you_cannot_compare_steve_jobs_with_donald_trump/
%
I made a wooden car

But it wooden go
Then I made a steel car
But it steel wooden go
Then I made a lead car
But it steel wooden lead me go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2t98d/i_made_a_wooden_car/
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What does a horny lesbian pirate say?

Arrrrr!! Scissor me timbers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2t62q/what_does_a_horny_lesbian_pirate_say/
%
Me : Well you know 'change is inedible'

Friend : Do you mean 'inevitable'?
Me :  (spits out nickels) nope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2t3hn/me_well_you_know_change_is_inedible/
%
Green is definitely my favorite color

I like it far more than blue and yellow combined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2t0jn/green_is_definitely_my_favorite_color/
%
Dad: What do your friends think about you having two dads?

Son: They're fine with it, but they hate that I'm immune to Yo Mama jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2syk8/dad_what_do_your_friends_think_about_you_having/
%
A New research shows us that the main cause of dry skin is....

Towels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2sv95/a_new_research_shows_us_that_the_main_cause_of/
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In this house we say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to Alexa.

We're hoping she’ll take it easy on us when Skynet goes active.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2supa/in_this_house_we_say_please_and_thank_you_to_alexa/
%
Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it is cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2steo/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_female/
%
I heard Orville Redenbacher served in the Army.

They called the guy under him "Lieutenant Kernel".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2snxs/i_heard_orville_redenbacher_served_in_the_army/
%
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

You might have thought it was ‘R’, but nay, his first love be the ‘C’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2snr7/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
What’s Thanos favorite app

Snapchat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2smeu/whats_thanos_favorite_app/
%
What does the communist citizen say every morning before leaving his/her home?

Lets get this bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2si3m/what_does_the_communist_citizen_say_every_morning/
%
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2sfxa/i_call_my_wife_bambi_she_thinks_its_because_shes/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2sfot/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
Which country has the worst vocalists?

Sing-a-poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2sf7a/which_country_has_the_worst_vocalists/
%
An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2sd79/an_ugly_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_a_beautiful/
%
A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'
'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.
The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams.
At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?'
'The gold.'
'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.'
'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2scwl/a_university_student_wanted_to_sit_next_to_one_of/
%
Why did the Bhuddist cashier pull coins out his ass?

Because change comes from within

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2scoj/why_did_the_bhuddist_cashier_pull_coins_out_his/
%
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2s85c/my_7_year_old_nephew_showed_me_with_pride_the/
%
Good cop: where is the money?

Blind cop: *bangs fists on the table* WHERE IS EVERYTHING

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2s4is/good_cop_where_is_the_money/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2rxmt/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.

His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties."
Husband asks:"Which people?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2rmu4/a_husband_buys_a_dozen_panties_of_the_same_color/
%
Where do man-splainers get their water?

From a *well, actually*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2riek/where_do_mansplainers_get_their_water/
%
What do you call the chewy candy that tastes like a mongoose and kills snakes?

Riki Tiki Taffy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2rfoe/what_do_you_call_the_chewy_candy_that_tastes_like/
%
Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada.  They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England.  They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America.  They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine.  They'd be lucky to last a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2reyh/pets_are_like_countries/
%
I heard that your mom uses her weight as her phone's pin code.

Guess that's why Apple changed it from four digits to six.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ranu/i_heard_that_your_mom_uses_her_weight_as_her/
%
What do you call a racehorse who's too old to race?

Fast paste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2r7sy/what_do_you_call_a_racehorse_whos_too_old_to_race/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all sitting in a pub

The Englishman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, and calls out to the bartender, "Hey mate, there's a fly in my beer. Get me another pint!"
The Scotsman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, scoops it out and keeps drinking.
The Irishman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, picks it up by the wing, holds it above the glass and says "Spit it out, you little bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2quca/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are_all/
%
Funny Courtroom Transcript

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2qqpl/funny_courtroom_transcript/
%
What does a McChicken, a whopper, a beefy 5-layer burrito, and an extra most bestest pizza have in common?

They've all seen me naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2qix0/what_does_a_mcchicken_a_whopper_a_beefy_5layer/
%
eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it

For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2qi2i/ebay_is_great_for_finding_rare_items_but_there_is/
%
So I heard they’re being stricter with teen pregnancies.

Apparently people have problems with the child labor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2qgem/so_i_heard_theyre_being_stricter_with_teen/
%
A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine.

He was soda pressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2q9iv/a_really_sad_man_committed_suicide_by_crushing/
%
Fuck PETA

But not doggystyle, or you'll be put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2q61b/fuck_peta/
%
My wife used to smoke after sex

So we decided to start using lube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2q54n/my_wife_used_to_smoke_after_sex/
%
1 out of 10 people don’t understand percentages.

I’m part of that 15%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2py26/1_out_of_10_people_dont_understand_percentages/
%
When your nose is really runny everybody thinks it's funny

But it'snot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2pw3p/when_your_nose_is_really_runny_everybody_thinks/
%
I like to think of Kurt Cobain as the ‘Michelangelo’ of Rock

Although he had a different approach to painting ceilings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2pol1/i_like_to_think_of_kurt_cobain_as_the/
%
One man's trash is another man's treasure

Great saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2piya/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
Did you hear about the cocaine dealer who retired?

He was tired of putting his business in other peoples' noses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2pcg7/did_you_hear_about_the_cocaine_dealer_who_retired/
%
"GIVE IT TO ME!" She yelled...

"I'm so fucking wet... Give it to me now!"
You can scream all you want, you're not getting my umbrella!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2pau4/give_it_to_me_she_yelled/
%
Three men are stranded on a desert island. (Long) (NSFW)

Three men wash up on a desert island. They don’t know each other and don’t know where they are. Soon, they get very hungry. They go into the island to see if they can find any food. They happen to stumble upon an enormous cache of perfectly ripe fruits. They eat to their heart’s delight, and when they are all about to fall asleep, five enormous, muscled, tattooed people step out, wielding clubs.
“You have stolen from our people! We shall take you to our leader, for he will know what to do.”
So the men are dragged to the center of the island, and soon face the leader of the tribe they were taken captive by.
“You have stolen from our people! This is punishable by death! However, since you are foreigners, I have another option for you. iki Shiki.”
The first man asks, “What is iki Shiki?!”
“I know it by no other name. The choice is yours. Death, or iki Shiki.”
The first man says this, “Well, nothing is worse than death. So I choose iki Shiki!”
“Very well. IT IS DECIDED!! IKI SHIKI!”
The man is dragged into a cave by three hulking warriors, even bigger than the ones that took them to the chief. For a few moments, there is complete silence. And then, the other two men hear something. “Oh god! What are you doing?! No! NO! STOP! PLEASE! PLEASE, OH GOD PLEASE!!” Then they start hearing awful screams, like nothing on this earth. This goes on for six hours. Finally, the man stops screaming. He exits the cave, pants off.  Blood is streaming out of his ass and flecks of shit cover him. He sits down and starts crying immediately. The second man is then given the same choice.
“Well, that seems pretty horrible. But nothing can be worse than death. So I too choose iki Shiki.”
“Very well. IT IS DECIDED!!! IKI SHIKI!”
The same warriors drag the second man into the cave. The iki Shiki has begun. The second man starts screaming. He keeps on screaming, never stopping, and the first man starts crying harder and harder. After eight hours, the second man comes out of the cave. His clothes are ripped to shreds and blood is covering his entire body. He lies down in fetal position and starts shaking violently.
The third and final man then must choose his fate. “Well, before today, I thought nothing was worse than death. But I was wrong. So that is what I choose.”
“Very well. IT IS DECIDED!!!! DEATH! BY IKI SHIKI!!!!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2p9rw/three_men_are_stranded_on_a_desert_island_long/
%
Does anyone know any good anti-vax forums?

I keep joining one, but they all die down after a couple years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2p6gv/does_anyone_know_any_good_antivax_forums/
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What kind of country would we have if everybody drove a pink Chevrolet?

A pink carnation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ozum/what_kind_of_country_would_we_have_if_everybody/
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Logic

A farm boy who we shall call Steve decided he wanted to go to college. So he picks his major and heads on to college. There his professor tells him he will be studying his major, Maths, Science and Logic. Steve quickly asks what do you mean by logic? His professor explains to him that it is the understanding of logical situations. He asks Steve: Do you own a lawnmower? Yes Steve answers, i do. Then Logically you own a lawn says his professor. Yes i do own a lawn. Then Logically you own a house. Yes, yes i do own a house says Steve. Then Logically you have a family, which would then logically mean you have have a wife which would logically mean you are heterosexual. Now amazed, Steve tells the professor that he can't believe he found out so much about him based on the fact the he owns a lawnmower. So Steve goes to his local pub and meets Bob, and tells Bob what he learnt at college that day. He then demonstrates to Bob. Do you own a lawnmower? asks Steve. No, answers Bob. That means you are gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ozpy/logic/
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Why did the hipster burn his lip on his coffee?

He drank it before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2oxk5/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_lip_on_his_coffee/
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If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears

my illegal logging business is a success.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ovt2/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_forest_and_nobody_hears/
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2orbg/i_wanted_to_marry_my_english_teacher_when_she_got/
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I have this obsession to check whether the oven is off and the doors are locked.

I really hate my job at the crematorium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ohlt/i_have_this_obsession_to_check_whether_the_oven/
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Phil Smith’s Scrotum

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
A muffled gasp arose from the men in the congregation as the thought of the pain poor Phil must have experienced sank in.
"Phil was hurt so badly that he couldn't even hold me or the kids," Suzie continued. "Every movement caused terrible pain. We prayed when his doctors performed the delicate operation required to repair the extensive damage. Luckily they were able to piece the crushed and broken remnants of Phil's scrotum together and wrap it in wire to hold everything in place."
Again, the male half of the congregation squirmed uncomfortably, cringing at the thought of what Phil went through.
"Today," Suzie announced in a quivering voice, "Thanks to the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital. His doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
A great sigh of relief arose from the pews. The shaken pastor stood and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He looked around the congregation and said, "I'm Phil." The entire assembly held its collective breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2oh7m/phil_smiths_scrotum/
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Hitler was a great man

Because he killed one of the most evil people on the earth however that same man took Hitler’s life too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ogyc/hitler_was_a_great_man/
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I've developed a love for reading while doing cocaine..

One could say I read between the lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ogns/ive_developed_a_love_for_reading_while_doing/
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I think it’s a good idea to use different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2og2n/i_think_its_a_good_idea_to_use_different/
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-273.1500°C is really cold.

But for some people it is just OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2oceu/2731500c_is_really_cold/
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Why didn't Barbie have a baby?

Because Ken came in a different box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2o9yg/why_didnt_barbie_have_a_baby/
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Frog

There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a whore house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no.
He said,"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, because that damn mailman is the son-of-a-bi\*ch who ran over my FROG!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2o96o/frog/
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Little Debbie doesnt have a friend with benefits....

She has a Nutty Buddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2o873/little_debbie_doesnt_have_a_friend_with_benefits/
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Important Annoucement

I’d like to give a big shout out to my deaf grandma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2o6dv/important_annoucement/
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Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2o54d/her_lets_exchange_numbers/
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In honor of St. Paddy

An Irishman who had a little **too much to drink** Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A **cop pulls him over**.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "**Where have ya been?"**
" Why, I've been **to the pub of course**," Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks **like you've had quite a few to drink** this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, **your wife fell out of your car?"**
"Oh, **thank heavens**," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, **I thought I'd gone deaf."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2o1zf/in_honor_of_st_paddy/
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What do you call a disease sexually transmitted through alligators?

Gatoraids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2o1qh/what_do_you_call_a_disease_sexually_transmitted/
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Can teachers give homeless kids...

... homework?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2nyyj/can_teachers_give_homeless_kids/
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Teachers say that our dreams are the future

But they dont let us sleep in class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2nv94/teachers_say_that_our_dreams_are_the_future/
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Vampire missionaries

"Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"
No. Wait..."Dracula" Dracula?
"Yes!"
So you're vampires?
"Yes. We have pamphlets"
Vampires have missionaries now?
"How else would we get new vampire members?"
But don't you just like, bite people?
"That's a hurtful stereotype sir. **May we come in?**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2nrxl/vampire_missionaries/
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How does a bottle of glue named Ed answer the phone?

Ed here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2nklz/how_does_a_bottle_of_glue_named_ed_answer_the/
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I beat my wife up this morning.

I got up at nine, she got up at ten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2nk1f/i_beat_my_wife_up_this_morning/
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[Oh, yeah?] My ex-wife cheated on me with a communist!

...there were so many red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ncsx/oh_yeah_my_exwife_cheated_on_me_with_a_communist/
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It's not selling cocaine...

If they only pay for delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2nc17/its_not_selling_cocaine/
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My ex-wife still misses me.

But her aim is steadily improving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2nbt3/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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80% of all Fords manufactured are still on the road today.

The other 20% made it home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2napo/80_of_all_fords_manufactured_are_still_on_the/
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A man is at the doctor

A man is at a follow up appointment at the doctor. The doctor walks in and says “I’m sorry, but I’ve got bad news and worse news.”
“Start with the worse news,” says the man.
“You’ve got cancer,” the doctor starts.
Caught off guard, the man replies “okay, what’s the bad news?”
“You also have Alzheimer’s,” says the doctor.
“Well at least I don’t have cancer,” says the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2n7pi/a_man_is_at_the_doctor/
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I wouldn't date anyone from China

That's a HUGE red flag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2n3wb/i_wouldnt_date_anyone_from_china/
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My wife was so angry today. She said that she'll never public breastfeed anymore.

She also told me that she'll do it only after our first child is born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2n35p/my_wife_was_so_angry_today_she_said_that_shell/
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To the prick who stole my glasses... mark my words...

I have contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2n1yg/to_the_prick_who_stole_my_glasses_mark_my_words/
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A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.
For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.
Soon, a small crowd is gathered round him, watching, as this intense game goes on and on. One observer taps the man on the shoulder and he turns irritably.
"How long are you going to do this?" The observer asks.
"As long as it takes to win back this leg." The man responds shortly.
Pausing only to relieve himself in a bucket provided by the casino, the man continues to play for the leg through the night and into the next day. Money seems to be no issue for him, he never sleeps and he never seems to tire either.
Now a huge crowd is gathered around him as he reaches the end of his first week trying to win back the leg. No-one can believe how much this man wants to make up for his transgression. People begin to praise the man on social media. The casino manager makes his way through the crowd on the floor to approach the man, who does not take lightly to being interrupted in his so far frivolous pursuit.
"How long are you going to do this?" The manager asks.
"As long as it takes to win back this leg." The man responds, barely looking away from the table.
A month passes and still sadly unsuccessful, the man does not waiver in his efforts to win back the leg. Now the casino is the biggest attraction in Las Vegas. People pay just to watch the man relentlessly and seemingly without fatigue play over and over again, despite the overwhelming bad-luck he is experiencing. The man's mother is cleared to approach the man.
"How long are you going to do this?" His mother asks.
"As long as it takes to win back this leg!" The man responds, barely looking away from the table.
Six months pass and the man is STILL at the table, he is being fed through a tube and has a catheter installed along with an adult diaper, so now even his ablutions do not hamper his attempts to win back the leg.
A TV crew finally breaks through the crowd which by now stretches out the edges of the Las Vegas strip. The reporter excitedly gets a microphone into the man's face.
"How long are you going to do this?" The reporter asks.
"Look I've told you!" The man roars. "I'm going to do this for the rest of my wife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2n1uw/a_drunk_man_borrows_and_loses_his_partners/
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A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.
Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?
Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is experimenting with insects in attempt to clone them down to the cell.
Pope: Hmm, alright then. What insects will you be attempting to clone?
Scientist: We will be starting off with ants and then moving to larger ins—
Pope: ANTS? You will be experimenting on ants???!!!
Scientist: Yes, why? Is there a problem?
Pope: Ants are incredibly profound creatures! We must not harm them, they are vital to our earth! You may not experiment on those ants!
Scientist: I’m sorry, Pope. We have already begun executing the cloning on the ants. They are going to be experimented on, and frankly I don’t see an reason we shouldn’t do it. Most people are pro-experimenting when it comes to ants. Why are you so against pro-ant experimentation?
Pope: Nobody who advocates for the experimentation of ants is worthy, and must burn in Hell! NO PRO-TEST-ANTS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2n14d/a_scientist_and_the_catholic_pope_were_eating/
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Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!

Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2mxfx/doctor_to_assistant_i_said_to_give_the_patient/
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What's a liberal's favorite drink?

Wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2mviu/whats_a_liberals_favorite_drink/
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What did the guitar student say when his teacher gave him advice on how to sound more like Jimi Hendrix?

"Thanks, I appreciate the feedback."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2mush/what_did_the_guitar_student_say_when_his_teacher/
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When your sister says daddy pass the salt...

...and you, your dad, her boyfriend, your uncle, and your cousin all grab the salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ms21/when_your_sister_says_daddy_pass_the_salt/
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I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2mnuz/i_remember_30_years_ago_with_a_dollar_you_went_to/
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I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2mnda/im_currently_in_a_recovering_alcoholics_program/
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I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday.

She replied, "Toes Go In First".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2mlnn/i_asked_the_blonde_why_she_had_tgif_written_on/
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My wife asked me what was the difference between jam and jelly

I told her I can't really jelly my dick in her mouth.
Oh, so there's no real difference, she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2mkdl/my_wife_asked_me_what_was_the_difference_between/
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Helpful Grammar tips

Farther is for physical distance.
Further is for metaphorical distance.
And Father is for emotional distance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2mk7v/helpful_grammar_tips/
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I was walking through a graveyard earlier...

I saw a man crouched next to a grave, so i said to him "morning!" He replied, "no, I'm taking a shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2md7k/i_was_walking_through_a_graveyard_earlier/
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When “I” is replaced by “We”

Even illness becomes wellness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2m67q/when_i_is_replaced_by_we/
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Dear Americans, if you're dissatisfied with your current government....

have you tried switching it off and on again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2m25r/dear_americans_if_youre_dissatisfied_with_your/
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If you build a man a fire, he’ll be warm for the night.

However, if you set a man on fire, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2m1yd/if_you_build_a_man_a_fire_hell_be_warm_for_the/
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What is black and white and flies through space?

A cowmet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2lyx4/what_is_black_and_white_and_flies_through_space/
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My wife and I are constantly fighting over who’s going to make the first pot of coffee in the morning.

I think this might be grounds for divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2lqf1/my_wife_and_i_are_constantly_fighting_over_whos/
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How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2lmjb/how_do_you_make_5_lbs_of_fat_look_good/
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I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of Whiteout from the store.

It was a big mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2lhe5/i_dared_to_ask_my_wife_why_shes_buying_a_giant/
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Here’s to blind women.

You’ve really gotta hand it to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2lhc1/heres_to_blind_women/
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Thanks for playing, John

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".
John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2lfpq/thanks_for_playing_john/
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A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'
The man replied 'For shopping too early.'
The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'
The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2levn/a_man_convinced_of_a_crime_was_in_court/
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My wife's husband, is an alcoholic

I love that guy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2lenw/my_wifes_husband_is_an_alcoholic/
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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.
Another woman comes and sits next to her. The other woman looks a bit odd, too much makeup, too much jewelry, too much cosmetic surgeries, you know, too much Botox, too much lip fillers. Anyway. Mrs. Parker and the lady exchange greetings and the flight takes off.
As Mrs. Parker is just about to doze off, the other lady elbows her a little bit.
"Excuse me" the woman says, "I didn't even introduce myself. My name is Baroness Von Hildebrand."
Mrs. Parker looks at her and says, "Uh, my name is Mrs. Parker, it's very nice meeting you Miss, Mrs... uh"
"Baroness."
"Oh, sorry, Baroness" And Mrs. Parker tries to sleep again.
A minute goes by and she's elbowed again.
The baroness says, "You know it's the first time I'm actually sitting in economy class. First time in my life. I've always been a first-class passenger. But today, somehow, First class is full and I really needed to be on this plane. So, here I am in economy class. To be honest, it's not too bad. I mean, I'm sitting here with the masses, with the little people, and, you know, it's nice."
Mrs. Parker looks at her and says, "Well that's very nice, very nice." and she tries to sleep again.
Not a full minute goes by and she's elbowed again.
"By the way, you know, I'm only in this lack of luxury for this short flight to London. As soon as we arrive, my chauffeur will be waiting for me in my limousine. And I will be back in the luxuries of life that I've always known. I can't wait for that to happen."
Mrs. Parker looks on and says, "Well that's very nice. Very nice. But, I really need to get some sleep." and she tries to sleep again
Another minute goes by and she's elbowed again.
"Do you know why I'm able to afford all these luxuries of life? It's because of my husband. My husband is the CEO of one of the top 100 companies in the world. He makes no less than a hundred million dollars a year on any given year, and so we live a wonderful, fantastic, luxurious life, every single day of our lives."
Mrs. Parker looks at her and says "uh, well... very nice, very nice." And tries to sleep again
Some few seconds later.
"And by the way, do you have children? Mrs...? I forgot your name."
"Mrs. Parker. Yes, I've got one son. He works in a grocery store right now. He's trying to--"
"Yeah, well, you know, I've got two sons. My two sons are the most wonderful sons, the most wonderful kids any parent could dream of having. They're handsome. They're healthy. They're smart. They're both in their early 20s, and they're already making so much money. I love them so much, the best children in the world."
Mrs. Parker looks at her and says: "Oh, very nice, very nice." and tries to get some sleep again.
"By the way, I'm on vacation. This holiday started in Thailand. I went to Thailand, spent two wonderful weeks there. Then went to Bali for another two beautiful weeks, then went to the Caribbean for another two weeks, and finally went to Austria and Germany where I attended the opera and saw the most wonderful pieces of music, ballet, and opera."
"Oh, well, that's very nice, very nice. But, I really should get some sleep now." says Mrs. Parker.
"This whole trip that I've done, this whole vacation, this whole holiday, was paid for by my husband. It was a gift for my birthday. Every year he tries to get me a better gift. What did your husband buy you for your last birthday?"
So, Mrs. Parker looks at her and says, "Well, we are of limited means, but for my last birthday, my husband paid for me to take some English classes."
"English classes?! That's ridiculous! How cheap! Why would he buy you English classes? You're English, you speak English! It doesn't make any sense. Did you even learn anything from those classes?"
Mrs. Parker says "Well, actually I did. Those classes have been quite beneficial to me. It's improved the way I speak quite a lot. For instance, before going to those english classes, I used to say 'go fuck yourself' quite a lot..."
"...but now I say 'very nice'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2lbq0/mrs_parker_and_baroness_von_hildebrand/
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What did the bratty nut say to Dr Phil?

Cashew outside. How 'bou dat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2l8fe/what_did_the_bratty_nut_say_to_dr_phil/
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Eggs, blowjob, wife, and meat. Which one doesn’t belong?

Well you can beat you eggs, you can beat your wife, and you can beat your meat... but you can’t beat a blowjob!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2l80a/eggs_blowjob_wife_and_meat_which_one_doesnt_belong/
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I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2l7a1/i_got_frustrated_when_my_friend_couldnt_draw_a_2/
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An Exclusive Golf Course

This golf nut had waited his whole life to play on a very exclusive golf course, and he finally got his chance. He was paired with another guy he didn't know who had also lucked into a round there.
At one point, a funeral procession came down the street. The first man stopped, while he was putting for a birdie, took off his golf hat, and held it over his heart until all the cars had gone by.
The second man was impressed, "That was very nice of you."
The first man lined up his putt, shrugged, and said, "It was the least I could do. We were married for 41 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2l3qd/an_exclusive_golf_course/
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Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

He was afraid of capitalism!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2kv7w/why_did_stalin_only_write_in_lowercase/
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The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).
He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.
"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.
"Isn't she just the cutest?"
Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2kqzz/the_tea_party/
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I don't give money to the homeless. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2kqy7/i_dont_give_money_to_the_homeless_they_are_just/
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Irish Boy

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him "What's wrong?"
The boy says "Me ma is dead".
"Oh bejaysus" the man says. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"
The boy replies "No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ko2n/irish_boy/
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"I won't use stores that gender kids' beds"

"Like a boycott?"
"Don't you start"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2kefj/i_wont_use_stores_that_gender_kids_beds/
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Why don't you iron four-leaf clovers?

Because you don't want to press your luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ke5f/why_dont_you_iron_fourleaf_clovers/
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I had sex with an amputee.

It didn't feel right, so I left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2k8u0/i_had_sex_with_an_amputee/
%
A husband came home to his wife in tears.

“I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed. “Your mother insulted me.”
“My mother!” he exclaimed. “But she lives in a different city.”
“I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.”
He looked stern, “I see, but where does the insult come in?”
“In the postscript,” she answered.
“It said: ‘Dear Alice, don’t forget to give this letter to George’.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2k8g1/a_husband_came_home_to_his_wife_in_tears/
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Happy Thanksgiving kiddo

So two days before Thanksgiving little Jimmy is out playing in the yard. He hears his parents arguing and they call each other “bitch” and bastard”. Little Jimmy, ever the curious little bugger goes inside to ask his parents what those words mean. His parents tell him they mean “lady” and “gentleman”.
The next day Jimmy is playing once again and hears his parents arguing again. They call each other “dick” and “vagina” (because who the fuck knows they’re bad at insults, let me just tell the joke). He goes inside to ask what they mean and is informed of the reliable information that they in fact mean “hats” and “coats”.
The next day is Thanksgiving and Jimmy wakes up and uses the bathroom. His father is in there shaving his face and knicks it a little bit with the razor. He exclaims “shit!” and Jimmy asks what that means. Jimmy’s father tells him it’s just the name of his shaving cream. Jimmy uses the bathroom and goes downstairs to see his mom cutting the turkey. She cuts herself by accident and exclaims “fuck!” and Jimmy being the curious protagonist of this masterfully written joke asks what that means. His mom tells him it means “cutting”. The doorbell then rings and Jimmy’s mom tells Jimmy, “Hey Jimmy that must be our guests, why don’t you go welcome them.” So Jimmy proceeds to go downstairs and deliver the punchl— introductory speech.
“Hello bitches and bastards, may I take your dicks and vaginas? My dad is wiping the shit off his face and my mom is fucking the turkey.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2k7bu/happy_thanksgiving_kiddo/
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What is a dentist's favorite soda?

All of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2k4op/what_is_a_dentists_favorite_soda/
%
I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese.

Part of his plan to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2k3sp/i_heard_donald_trump_is_going_to_ban_shredded/
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What did Darth Vader say to the severe burn victim?

I find your lack of face disturbing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2jzte/what_did_darth_vader_say_to_the_severe_burn_victim/
%
Australians don’t have sex

They mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2jx0y/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
I asked about couple of women what bodywash they preferred. 99% replied with:

"get the fuck out of my bathroom, you pervert!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2jwzn/i_asked_about_couple_of_women_what_bodywash_they/
%
A dyslexic person peeing his pants would spell certain doom.

His urination spells his ruination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2jtru/a_dyslexic_person_peeing_his_pants_would_spell/
%
My friend told me he can’t drink milk. I asked him if he is lactose intolerant. He said he is actually allergic to the milk protein.

I said “No whey!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2jt67/my_friend_told_me_he_cant_drink_milk_i_asked_him/
%
What is the whitest African country?

Chad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2jt5p/what_is_the_whitest_african_country/
%
My father who worked as a road worker got fired for stealing from his workplace

I couldn't believe it when I first heard it, but when I came home all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2jscs/my_father_who_worked_as_a_road_worker_got_fired/
%
Whats the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish it dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2jq6p/whats_the_difference_between_meat_and_fish/
%
[NSFW] A straight woman is interested in what lesbian sex is like. She asks her lesbian friend to tell her all the details whenever she has intercourse

She was living bi-curiously through her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2jnm9/nsfw_a_straight_woman_is_interested_in_what/
%
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2jlyi/my_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_this_morning_at/
%
Don’t run with the scissors

And don’t scissor with the runs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2jlxi/dont_run_with_the_scissors/
%
A Roman walks into a bar...

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.
"Five beers please" he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2jg8b/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I used to be in a band...

Called 999 megabytes.
Never got a gig though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2jea1/i_used_to_be_in_a_band/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2jc66/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
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I invented a new type of car...

Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!"
My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!"
Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2j7uy/i_invented_a_new_type_of_car/
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What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2j538/what_do_you_call_a_tool_used_by_a_polish_combat/
%
Which side of the kitten is the furriest?

The outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2iyzw/which_side_of_the_kitten_is_the_furriest/
%
Looking to play a game of D&D. If anyone is interested, please

DM me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2iypb/looking_to_play_a_game_of_dd_if_anyone_is/
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The farmer and his wife needed a new bull...

There was a man who lived on a farm with his wife in the middle of nowhere. All they owned was a truck, a few cows, and an old bull. They didn't have much, but they were happy.
One day, the farmer woke up and found that the bull had died. He went to his wife and said, "I take our money into the town and buy us a new bull. I know you need the truck here to keep the farm running, so when I get us a bull, I'll send you a telegraph so you know when to pick us up."
His wife went and got the money and then said goodbye.
The farmer arrived in town late that day and had to get a hotel room. The next morning he only had 401 dollars left. He went to the market and was able to buy a strong, young bull with the 400 dollars. It had been a long time since he had been to town, but as long as the telegraph prices hadn't gone up, he should be able to send a full sentence to his wife with his dollar.
When he arrived at the post office, he said to the telegraph operator: "I need to send a message to my wife so she can pick up my bull and I. How much is a word?"
"Prices went up a few years ago," replied the operator. "A word is 1 dollar."
"Oh no," said the farmer "I can only send one word!"
He thought for a little while and then said, "Ok, send my wife the word 'comfortable.'"
"Comfortable? Are you sure?" asked the operator.
"My wife has a 4th grade education," the farmer replied. "When she reads she has to sound each word out syllable by syllable. So when she sees the word comfortable, she'll read it as 'come-for-ta-bull.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ixf2/the_farmer_and_his_wife_needed_a_new_bull/
%
A bunch of soldiers were suddenly under fire by ISIS troops

Officer: Men! FIRE AT WILL!
Will: What did I do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2iw92/a_bunch_of_soldiers_were_suddenly_under_fire_by/
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I cant think of anything to post for my cakeday

I guess just i'll dessert it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2isty/i_cant_think_of_anything_to_post_for_my_cakeday/
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Gimli was going on a date last night, so I let him borrow my hair gel and my shaving foam.

And my Axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ir1g/gimli_was_going_on_a_date_last_night_so_i_let_him/
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What is the job of a T-Rex?

A small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ipsq/what_is_the_job_of_a_trex/
%
One thing I really enjoy doing is wearing nothing but a colorful tight bikini bottom that shows off my cock, and then going and strutting around in front of other men and letting them ogle me.

Or as it's also known, "Bodybuilding"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2io9n/one_thing_i_really_enjoy_doing_is_wearing_nothing/
%
How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2i97w/how_much_does_a_pirate_pay_for_corn/
%
Science tip

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2i6n8/science_tip/
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My d*** is as big from A to Z

-Look on your keyboard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2i4f6/my_d_is_as_big_from_a_to_z/
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There is no ‘I’ in team..

but there is a ‘U’ in c*#t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2i2h7/there_is_no_i_in_team/
%
If an old person looks through their Facebook timeline

You could say that the Elder Scrolls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2hwln/if_an_old_person_looks_through_their_facebook/
%
Shortly before he died, my grandma covered my grandads back with lard...

...after that he went downhill fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2hw2d/shortly_before_he_died_my_grandma_covered_my/
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My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2htln/my_exwife_cheated_on_me_with_her_deaf_best_friend/
%
My kids love Life cereal. I told them there's a grown-up version called That's Just Life

Each box of it is expensive, mostly empty & doesn't taste very good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2hr2n/my_kids_love_life_cereal_i_told_them_theres_a/
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Q: What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?

A: A desserter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2hqok/q_what_do_you_call_someone_who_cant_stick_with_a/
%
6 was afraid of 7 because 789 but why did 7 eat 9

Because you need 3 squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2hm8w/6_was_afraid_of_7_because_789_but_why_did_7_eat_9/
%
Why are all the people on xbox who banged your mom 12

Cuz salt is a preservative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2hl14/why_are_all_the_people_on_xbox_who_banged_your/
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I told my wife she painted her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2hi7l/i_told_my_wife_she_painted_her_eyebrows_too_high/
%
Well Done?

Kevin was furious when his steak arrived cooked too rare.
'Waiter,' Kevin shouted, 'Didn't you hear me say "well done"?'
'Of course I did, sir, I can't thank you enough, sir,' replied the waiter. 'I hardly ever get a compliment.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2hhoy/well_done/
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What do you call a good joke on r/Jokes?

A repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2hg1c/what_do_you_call_a_good_joke_on_rjokes/
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There are two main reasons I don’t let my girlfriend use my PlayStation.

1) I don’t have a PlayStation.
2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2hdpf/there_are_two_main_reasons_i_dont_let_my/
%
I used to work as a lumberjack,

but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2hdkt/i_used_to_work_as_a_lumberjack/
%
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2hcbz/a_woman_starts_to_scream_while_giving_birth/
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Why is is that you only see bigfoot in America

Because you see bigmeters everywhere else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2hbo0/why_is_is_that_you_only_see_bigfoot_in_america/
%
The Fast and the Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker

Fast 10: Your Seatbelts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2h5uu/the_fast_and_the_furious_10_title_should_be/
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How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2h4s3/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Never do cocaine with an optician...

The first line is quite big, but then the lines get smaller and smaller and smaller...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2h1ws/never_do_cocaine_with_an_optician/
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Dear Optimistic and pessimistic persons,

While you were arguing weather the glass was half full or half empty, I drank it.
Yours truly:
The Opportunist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2gysm/dear_optimistic_and_pessimistic_persons/
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I just said "No comment" all the way through the police interview.

I didn't get the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2gx2t/i_just_said_no_comment_all_the_way_through_the/
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Judge: Okay Mickey Mouse, so you want a divorce with Minnie Mouse because she was extemely silly?

Mickey: No i said she was fucking Goofy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2gvyq/judge_okay_mickey_mouse_so_you_want_a_divorce/
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Different Boobs and Dicks

**A family is at the dinner table.**
The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2gptr/different_boobs_and_dicks/
%
Why do all hotdogs look the same?

Because they are in bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2g03d/why_do_all_hotdogs_look_the_same/
%
What is the weakest vegetable?

My brother Jim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2fq8h/what_is_the_weakest_vegetable/
%
A traveling cowboy walks into a saloon

to rest and get a drink before continuing on his journey. As he sat down at one end of the bar the bartender walks over to him and asks what he would like to drink.
"Beer" says the traveling cowboy.
"Right away" says the bartender as he makes his way to the tap.
As the cowboy watched the bartender fill a clean mug with a crisp lager he noticed a strange shape out of the corner of his eye. He turned his gaze towards it and his eyes widened in surprise as he realized what he was looking at. At the far end of the bar seated in stool sat a full sized horse whose eyes were filled with tears. A large jar filled with an assortment of coins and Bill's sat on the bar next to the horse. Though he was a traveling man and had seen many things over many years this was without a doubt the strangest sight the traveling cowboy had ever seen.
The bartender shortly returned with our cowboy's drink and as he sat it on the bench in front of him  the cowboy spoke and asked,
"Why is there a full grown horse sitting on that there stool? And why is he crying?"
"Well sir" says the Bartender "about one year ago this horse walked into this saloon with tears in his eyes, sat down in that very spot and ordered himself a drink. Hasn't moved or done nothin' else since. No one knows why he came in here or where he came from but one thing is for certain. Whatever horrors he witnessed to put him in such a state I would not like to know myself, nor would any man I reckon."
"Well I'll be" says the Cowboy. "What's that there jar for?"
"A few months after he came some of my regular customers started making bets. Who ever can make that horse to do anything other than sit there and mourn takes the jar and all the money in it."
Upon hearing this the Cowboy shook his head, drained his mug in one gulp, wiped his lips, stood up and walked over to the horse. The bartender watched in surprise as the cowboy sat down next to the horse and whispered in the horses ear. The tears in the horses eyes remained but no longer were they tears of sorrow. The horse erupted in a violent fit of laughter so loud in could be heard from the street outside the saloon.
The cowboy, satisfied with his work stood up, grabbed the jar of money, tipped his hat to the bartender (who at this point was in a state of utter disbelief) and walked out the door.
A year later the same traveling cowboy walked into the same saloon and sat down in the same spot he had the year prior. As he sat down he turned his gaze to the far side of the bar and quite to his surprise the horse was still there. Another jar had replaced the one he had taken, and the horse was still possessed by a state of violent laughter.
"YOU!" Yelled the bartender who had just turned and recognized the face of the traveling cowboy. "You think you can come back into my saloon after what you've done? That horse has not stopped laughing since the day you came in here and made him do so! It's been so disruptive I can't get anyone to come in here besides my regulars, and all they do is bet on that damned horse. Who ever can get him to do anything other than THAT takes the jar and all of its contents."
"Well I'll be." Says the cowboy as he stood up and slowly walked over to the horse.
The bartender watched as the cowboy made his way to the far side of the bar. He watched the cowboy stand in front of the horse with his back facing the bartender. The bartender watched in an almost euphoric state of shock as the horse's laughter stopped. As the cowboy stood there, the horses countenance fell to the same state it was one year prior. Tears welled up in his eyes and he began to weep once again.
Satisfied with his work the cowboy grabbed the new jar and again tipped his hat to the bartender as he made his way to the door.
"Wait just a goddamn minute!" The bartender screamed.
"I beg your pardon?" The cowboy replied as he turned and began walking back toward the bar.
"Well hell. You come in here one year ago and you say somthing to that horse, which mind you, had not done nothin' but cry and mourn for one year prior to your arrival. Something so goddamn funny that he then cannot do anything but laugh and be disruptive for the next year, driving away all my customers. Then you come in here now and just stand there and he stops!? You put me through all that and you're just gonna walk out of this saloon without so much as a goodbye? Well that don't sit right with me. So I demand that you tell me what you did to that horse to make his laugh and then cry like that."
"I guess I do owe you that bartender." Says the travelling Cowboy. "Well a year ago when I came In here and that horse was crying I went up to him and I told him as that my dick was bigger than his."
"What in the hell are you talking about?" Says the bartender in a very sarcastic tone. " You expect me to believe that? Well mr. Big dick cowboy, what did you tell him today to get him to stop?"
"I didn't tell him nothin'" says the cowboy as a grin as big as Texas spread across his face. "Today I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2fju9/a_traveling_cowboy_walks_into_a_saloon/
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3 inches

Weather girl: "and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2fhwh/3_inches/
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I’ve been dropping everything tonight.

It’s really getting out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2fgxr/ive_been_dropping_everything_tonight/
%
Where does Elon Musk pray?

The Elon Mosque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2f5l7/where_does_elon_musk_pray/
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Why do they need one ?

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......
"Why the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2f47j/why_do_they_need_one/
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I've decided to rent out my brain

After all, its intellectual property

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2f3sq/ive_decided_to_rent_out_my_brain/
%
My buddy told me his least favourite season of Game of Thrones was season 5.

Shame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2f2wi/my_buddy_told_me_his_least_favourite_season_of/
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NSFW. My cousin took jail really hard.

The moment he got in he started swearing and fighting with everyone and even smeared his own shit all over the walls.
That's the last time we ever played monopoly with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2f06y/nsfw_my_cousin_took_jail_really_hard/
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What's that company that sells the table's legs separately?

IK*EA*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ezf9/whats_that_company_that_sells_the_tables_legs/
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What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

The rabbi cuts them off; the priest sucks them off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ez90/whats_the_difference_between_a_rabbi_and_a_priest/
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I have said this before and i will say this again.

This

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2eu9r/i_have_said_this_before_and_i_will_say_this_again/
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I don't vaccinate my jokes.

So they never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2eth4/i_dont_vaccinate_my_jokes/
%
Where do jokesters go after they get arrested?

The punitentiary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ep1i/where_do_jokesters_go_after_they_get_arrested/
%
Why can't you escape Microsoft Windows?

Because Bill gates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2emm1/why_cant_you_escape_microsoft_windows/
%
An employee’s only job was to throw away M&M’s that weren’t perfect. His boss came to check on him, and found he had thrown away almost half of the M&M’s. When asked why, the employee replied...

“A lot of them had W’s instead of M’s, so I threw them out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2efe9/an_employees_only_job_was_to_throw_away_mms_that/
%
A young boy asks his father

A young boy asks his dad: "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their fingers aren't green?"
Dad replies: "It's just a saying son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing something they say they have been caught red handed, even though their hands are actually black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2eeia/a_young_boy_asks_his_father/
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When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2edw4/when_i_die_i_want_an_almond_tree_seed_to_be/
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Three couples are trying to get married.

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. "If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ebjy/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married/
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Where does algae drive their cars?

On the rhodophyta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2e540/where_does_algae_drive_their_cars/
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Murphy's Car Is Stolen

Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off.  Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' What did he look like?, the sergeant asked.  'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2e49z/murphys_car_is_stolen/
%
Sex is like a complicated joke.

I don’t get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2e48e/sex_is_like_a_complicated_joke/
%
So there’s this lady, shopping in a grocery store.

She walks over to the produce section and picks out a nice sized cumber, some large carrots, and a decently sized eggplant. As she continues shopping, she picks up a Barry Manilow cd from the $5 discount bin and a few pumpkin spice scented candles. As she heads to the register she grabs her last item, some XXL condoms.
As she is checking out, the young man behind the register is starting to get an idea of what’s going on. He looks to her and says:
“Ma’am, are you single?”
And to which she replies, “Yeah, how’d you know?”
He says, “Because you’re fucking ugly.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2e01k/so_theres_this_lady_shopping_in_a_grocery_store/
%
A tribute to my late wife

She's still getting ready upstairs and I might leave without her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dzws/a_tribute_to_my_late_wife/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked at me surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dx7r/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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How did Captain Hook die?

He wiped with the wrong hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dwtc/how_did_captain_hook_die/
%
how do you put a pin back into a grenade?

There apparently is no way, so you jus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dv5x/how_do_you_put_a_pin_back_into_a_grenade/
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I am creating a video game about a bear and bird that hire a prostitute and then don't pay her.

I'm calling it "Banjo-Kazooie Nuts and Bolts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dtod/i_am_creating_a_video_game_about_a_bear_and_bird/
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All the jokes about anti-vaxxers are getting old

Unlike their kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dtf4/all_the_jokes_about_antivaxxers_are_getting_old/
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I like to meet up with my girlfriend at 12:59

I like that one to one time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dqnq/i_like_to_meet_up_with_my_girlfriend_at_1259/
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Don't Swear At Other Drivers!

Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way.  Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'.  The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie.  Then his car hit the pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dnew/dont_swear_at_other_drivers/
%
What did the zoologist and herbologist name their child?

Tiger Woods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dmcd/what_did_the_zoologist_and_herbologist_name_their/
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Death at the Guinness Brewery

Pat O’ Hara and Sean O’Toole lived next door to each other in Dublin. They worked the graveyard shift at the Guinness Brewery at St. James Gate together for 20 years. Every evening they would leave for work together at 11:30 pm and every morning they would return from work at 8:30 am.
One morning after returning from work Sean knocked on the front door of Pat O’ Hara’s house. Mrs. O’ Hara opened the door.
Sean: “Mrs. O’Hara, there has been a tragic accident at the brewery.”
Mrs. O’Hara: “Oh my God, please tell me my Pat is ok.”
Sean: “ I’m sorry to tell you Mrs. O’Hara that Pat has been killed in a horrible accident at the brewery.”
Mrs. O’Hara: “Oh, Sweet Jaysus, what happened?”
Sean: “Well, poor Patrick was cleaning the top of a giant vat of Guinness when he fell in and drowned.”
Mrs. O’Hara: “Please tell me that he met his end quickly and didn’t suffer.”
Sean: “Apparently he lasted 5 hours before finally passing away.”
Mrs. O’ Hara: “How could it have taken my dear Pat 5 hours to drown?”
Sean:  “Well, you see Mrs. O’Hara, eye witnesses said Pat had to climb out of the vat 6 times to take a pee.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dkvx/death_at_the_guinness_brewery/
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The all new self-driving Tesla has a shower facility in it

Time to get rid of that Musk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dkkd/the_all_new_selfdriving_tesla_has_a_shower/
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How do you keep a fish from smelling?

Cut off its nose.
Badumtisss. Thanks dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2diw2/how_do_you_keep_a_fish_from_smelling/
%
When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider...

Just so I can finally hear a woman scream "OMG, IT'S SO HUGE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2diu0/when_i_die_i_want_to_be_reincarnated_as_a_spider/
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I had a dream last night where I was drowning in an ocean made from orange soda...

It took me a while to figure out that it was a Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dhqz/i_had_a_dream_last_night_where_i_was_drowning_in/
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My check engine light came on, so I popped the hood

my engine was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dgbc/my_check_engine_light_came_on_so_i_popped_the_hood/
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A jeweler and blacksmith gets married. What do they name their kid?

Jaden Smith

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dfix/a_jeweler_and_blacksmith_gets_married_what_do/
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Why did the nearsighted woman fall into a well?

Because she couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2demh/why_did_the_nearsighted_woman_fall_into_a_well/
%
I met a rock salesman once.

He really took his money for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dedw/i_met_a_rock_salesman_once/
%
What do G-Strings and barbed wire have in common?

They both protect the property without disrupting the view.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2dcbx/what_do_gstrings_and_barbed_wire_have_in_common/
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A Genie Grants an Irish Man Three Wishes.

The Genie inquires what his first wish will be.
"A bottle of Jameson!" the man declares.
The Genie snaps his fingers and a bottle of Jameson appears.  The man quickly opens it and drinks the entire bottle of liquor.  "What would you like for your second wish?" the Genie asks.
"I want another bottle of Jameson!" the Irish man replies without hesitation.
"You know," the Genie responds, "you can ask for anything.  One bottle of Jameson is kind of a small thing to wish for.  For example, you could ask for an entire case of Jameson, or a whole barrel of it."
The man thinks for a minute then he says "I want a never ending bottle of Jameson!"
The Genie snaps his fingers and a bottle of Jameson appears in front of the man.  He drinks the whole thing down and just as the bottle empties, it magically refills back to the top.  The man is visibly well pleased with his choice for his second wish. "So what would you like for your third and final wish?" the Genie asks.
"I want another never ending bottle of Jameson!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2d633/a_genie_grants_an_irish_man_three_wishes/
%
I threw my mouse at the wall in anger

Everyone at the vet looked on in horror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2d44o/i_threw_my_mouse_at_the_wall_in_anger/
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Joke I dreamed I made last night

A Navy SEAL, a police officer, and a firefighter go into the local pub. While enjoying their drinks, they manage to get on the topic on who has the most dangerous job.
The Navy SEAL says, “I do. I put my ass on the line killing terrorists for my country.”
The Cop says, “I do. I put my ass on the line everyday on these streets keeping my citizens safe.”
The Firefighter says, “you guys think you got it bad, I put my ass on the line and now I got third degree burns on my cheeks!”
(Mind you this was a joke I thought up in a dream so it’s a little off but I felt it was good enough to share)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2d31z/joke_i_dreamed_i_made_last_night/
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An Irishman Came Home from the Pub on St. Paddy's Day...

and walked into his house and laid a 30 lb. turkey on the table. His wife looks wide-eyed and asked, "Liam, where'd ya get the tarkey?"
"Well Mary, all the fella's at the pub had a little contest for St. Paddy's Day. The fella with the biggest member won the tarkey."
Mary turned ghostly white and stammered, "Lord Jaysus, Liam, ya didn't pull that thing out in front of the whole pub, did ya?"
"Just enough to win, Mary, just enough to win..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2d2xk/an_irishman_came_home_from_the_pub_on_st_paddys/
%
The only difference between fit and fat is one letter

It's u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2d13c/the_only_difference_between_fit_and_fat_is_one/
%
Hexadecimal is dying.

Press 15 to pay respects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2cytd/hexadecimal_is_dying/
%
Two canoes out on a lake

The guy in canoe number one asks the guy in canoe number two if he could have one of his oars. Guy in canoe number two says “that’s my wife and my sister!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2cydh/two_canoes_out_on_a_lake/
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How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2co8z/how_does_the_man_in_the_moon_cut_his_hair_from_my/
%
What city do feminists love the most?

Manhatin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ck9x/what_city_do_feminists_love_the_most/
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What do you call an Irish dwarf whose limbs keep falling off?

A Leper-chaun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ci90/what_do_you_call_an_irish_dwarf_whose_limbs_keep/
%
A dictator walks into a bar...

He orders everybody shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2chfd/a_dictator_walks_into_a_bar/
%
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell

They come with an Elon Musk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2cgw8/new_teslas_dont_come_with_a_new_car_smell/
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It's a little known fact that Genghis Khan had a brother.

Unfortunately his brother had a terrible skin condition and was banished from his people. Eventually he ended up in Ireland where he was known as Leper Kahn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2cf7o/its_a_little_known_fact_that_genghis_khan_had_a/
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How do you greet an anti-vaxxer before noon?

Good mourning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2cdkd/how_do_you_greet_an_antivaxxer_before_noon/
%
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2c9ow/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
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Irish Dancing Manual

Lost for centuries, volume 2 of the Irish Dancing Manual has finally been rediscovered.
It’s titled “How to Move The Arms”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2c93a/irish_dancing_manual/
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40 blondes decided to tour London in a double Decker bus

The ones up on the top were terrified while the ones on the bottom were singing and partying. Finally the tour guide went up to the top to ask why they weren't happy like the others. One of the blondes said, "that's easy for you to say, you have a driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2byep/40_blondes_decided_to_tour_london_in_a_double/
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What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits till puberty to come on a boys face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2by6z/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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Why don’t vegans jerk off?

They don’t agree with beating meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2bx25/why_dont_vegans_jerk_off/
%
A joke for St Patrick's Day. "An Irishman walks out of a bar."

Well, theoretically, it could happen...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2bvgh/a_joke_for_st_patricks_day_an_irishman_walks_out/
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A man walks into a bar with a tiny piano and a 12 inch pianist

He sets the tiny piano down at the bar, and the tiny pianist starts playing up a storm. The bartender looks at the man and says, "That's amazing, where did you get that?" The man replies, "There's a genie outside your bar that will grant you one wish."
The bartender runs outside and sure enough there is a genie. Without hesitation the bartender says "Genie, I wish for a million bucks!" The genie snaps his fingers and disappears. Instantly, a million ducks fly overhead.
The bartender walks back inside and says, "Hey man, I think there's something wrong with that genie. I asked for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."
The man says, "You're telling me. You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2btul/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_tiny_piano_and_a_12/
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What's green, 2 miles long and has an asshole every couple of feet?

St. Patrick's day parade in Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2brt2/whats_green_2_miles_long_and_has_an_asshole_every/
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I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar using soy milk.

Hey said, "I'm sorry, but there's no whey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2boi6/i_once_asked_a_cheese_maker_if_there_was_any_way/
%
I'm actually very happily married!

my wife isn't but she can fuck the right off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2bntd/im_actually_very_happily_married/
%
My girlfriend went to the bathroom

When she was done she said the toilet was clogged.
I told her even the toilet is tired of her shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2bmuc/my_girlfriend_went_to_the_bathroom/
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I call my horse Mayo

And sometimes Mayo neighs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2bmbe/i_call_my_horse_mayo/
%
The Nun

A man was walking into a bar when a nun shouted at him “drinking is a sin” the man replied “have you ever actually tied alcohol before?” The nun says no. The man looks at her and says “then how about I go in and get you a glass of whiskey, if you don’t like it then continue preaching”  “ok,” says the nun “but get it in a teacup so no one notices.”
The man walks into a bar and orders two glasses of whiskey. “Serve one of them in a teacup would you?” The bartender looks at the man and says “oh not that fucking nun again”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2bicc/the_nun/
%
I signed up for my company’s 401k

But I don’t think I can run that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2bi6j/i_signed_up_for_my_companys_401k/
%
What do you call a woman with a toothpick stuck up her ass?

Olive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2bf6u/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_a_toothpick_stuck/
%
Olympics

So I heard there was a Bi-athlon event, how many men and women do I need to sleep with to qualify?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2bedv/olympics/
%
I have a farmer friend who is really good at his job

He is outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2bcpk/i_have_a_farmer_friend_who_is_really_good_at_his/
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What do you call an Irishman who makes outdoor tables and chairs?

Patty O’furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ba3s/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_who_makes_outdoor/
%
What do skinny jeans and modern houses have in common?

No ballroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2b2nn/what_do_skinny_jeans_and_modern_houses_have_in/
%
Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?

A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2aztv/q_why_did_star_wars_episodes_45_and_6_come_before/
%
One day in Ireland two leprechauns knock on the door of a convent.

The mother superior opens the door to see the two little green men.
"How may I help you?" she asks.
"Mother superior," the younger leprechaun says. "Are there any leprechaun nuns in your convent?"
The mother superior thinks for a while and answers, "No, we have no leprechaun nuns."
"Well, miss, do ye know of any leprechaun nuns in the county?" the younger leprechaun asks.
The mother superior thinks for a second and answers, "As far as I know, there aren't any in the county."
"Well, do ye know of any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland then?" the younger leprechaun asks.
The mother superior ponders the question, then says, "As far as I know, there aren't any in this convent, county or in this country. What's with you and leprechaun nuns?"
The younger leprechaun says to his friend, "I told you you were fucking a penguin!"
Full disclaimer: I got the joke from a book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2ax31/one_day_in_ireland_two_leprechauns_knock_on_the/
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A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won’t assist in a suet side!
(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2asyj/a_guy_asks_his_friend_to_rub_some_beef_fat_on_his/
%
A man goes to a hypnotist.

“I want to forget my ex-wife”
The hypnotist is like “OK then. I’ll see what I can do”
Next day the man goes to a psychologist.
“I think I was abducted by aliens. I don’t remember anything but I feel humiliated and empty, my penis is all numb and I even think they took my money”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2am05/a_man_goes_to_a_hypnotist/
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My girlfriend told me that our relationship is NOT exercise.

She said “this isn’t working out”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2alpx/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_our_relationship_is/
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A German coast guard and an English ship

A German coast guard is doing maintenance on the shores of the North Sea near France. They come upon an English ship which seems to be sinking.
The captain of the English ship shouts to the coast guard, "Mayday mayday, we're sinking!"
The German coast guard then replies, " What are you sinking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2acr1/a_german_coast_guard_and_an_english_ship/
%
What country do feminists hate most?

Guyana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2a5zk/what_country_do_feminists_hate_most/
%
This guy last night tried to sell me a coffin

I told him that’s the last thing I need

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2a5n4/this_guy_last_night_tried_to_sell_me_a_coffin/
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100K people are having sex right now.

75,000 are kissing
50,000 are hugging
And you? Well, you're reading this.
^(Trust me, I'm not happy about this either)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2a563/100k_people_are_having_sex_right_now/
%
We just found out that my grandfather left all his money to Pornhub.

Apparently it was there for him during the hard times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2a55g/we_just_found_out_that_my_grandfather_left_all/
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have you heard about the two gay irishmen?

patrick fitzmichael and michael fitzpatrick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2a53j/have_you_heard_about_the_two_gay_irishmen/
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The doctor's price for my vasectomy was a little high for me, but my offer was too low for him.

In the end we split the deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2a4bc/the_doctors_price_for_my_vasectomy_was_a_little/
%
How much semen do gay men have?

Buttloads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2a0jo/how_much_semen_do_gay_men_have/
%
Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.
Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.
One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out!
"Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads.
"I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully."
Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!"
"Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer.
The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b29zxj/two_irishmen_lost_at_sea/
%
Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.

Yep. It can happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b29ytl/three_irishmen_walk_out_of_a_bar/
%
How do you get laid in Alabama?

Tell them you’re their long-lost brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b29xiv/how_do_you_get_laid_in_alabama/
%
An American walks into an Irish bar.

While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b29wer/an_american_walks_into_an_irish_bar/
%
Some Giraffes can grow up to 18 feet

But most only have 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b29urp/some_giraffes_can_grow_up_to_18_feet/
%
A man and a parrot

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing..."Psst...come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit...that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b29sl2/a_man_and_a_parrot/
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Canadians are perfect retail workers.

They are excellent at apologizing for everything, even if it is not their own fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b29pzn/canadians_are_perfect_retail_workers/
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My pay as you go phone

My friend was always taking the piss out of me when I got my pay as you go phone
“You’ve got a pay as you go phone, you’ve got a pay as you go phone”
I got really sick after a week of this, so I decided to take out a contract
Two days later the hitman got back to me to tell me he was dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b29pbf/my_pay_as_you_go_phone/
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I like my eggs how I like my children.

Beaten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b29kcr/i_like_my_eggs_how_i_like_my_children/
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I just proposed to my best friend of 25 years

My wife got a bit angry, and Brian also seemed a bit confused

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b29glv/i_just_proposed_to_my_best_friend_of_25_years/
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Unbelievable

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b29fcu/unbelievable/
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I have just been fired from my job

"What steps would you take in the event of fire?" Asked the manager.
"Fucking big" I've replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b295i9/i_have_just_been_fired_from_my_job/
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I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.

It was just the alpaca lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b290jj/i_got_spit_on_by_a_farm_animal_and_thought_it_was/
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Know any jokes about Sodium?

Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b290fg/know_any_jokes_about_sodium/
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Why is "Dark" spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b28z2w/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
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An Irishman has been shipwrecked and stranded on an island for over 20 years. [MEDIUM]

One day, on his daily walk of the beach, he sees something way out in the ocean. At first he couldn’t make out what it was, as it got closer, he could see something red.
Finally, it was close enough to determine that the red was actually the hair of a woman. A very pretty dame in her 20s.
When she arrived on shore she was surprised to find anyone there, as this is a very remote island.
She walks up to the Irishman and asks him how he got there. He says “I haven’t seen another soul in over 20 years since I was shipwrecked and stranded here.”
She says 20 years you say? Well, that’s a long time to go without a drink, she pulls down her wetsuit zipper a bit, reaches in and pulls out a bottle of Irish whiskey. How would you like a drink?
He obliges and takes a couple of swallows. “Bless your heart, that’s the best tasting whiskey I’ve had in me whole life.”
She says It’s been a long time since you’ve had a smoke, would you like a cigarette?
He happily obliges and she pulls the wetsuit zipper down even farther and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and some matches.
He lights the cigarette, has a few drags and says “Bless your heart, that’s the best cigarette I’ve had in me whole life.”
She then says So you’ve been stranded here for over 20 years, how’d you like to play around? She pulls the wetsuit zipper down the rest of the way, exposing her naked body.
He responds “ Oh bless your heart, you’ve got a set of clubs in there have you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b28seu/an_irishman_has_been_shipwrecked_and_stranded_on/
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What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

BMW has the pricks on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b28rxz/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
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** Two mathmeticians deciding about sex positions **

"Wanna be numerator or denominator?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b28q29/two_mathmeticians_deciding_about_sex_positions/
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What disease does an unvaccinated astronaut get?

Appolio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b28ps7/what_disease_does_an_unvaccinated_astronaut_get/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

wipped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b28mcr/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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What do you call it when a leprechaun gets a free handjob?

A stroke of good luck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b28lrv/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_leprechaun_gets_a_free/
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Why do women like having sex with lights off?

Because they never like to see a man having good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b28kig/why_do_women_like_having_sex_with_lights_off/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickalottapuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b28i99/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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To the guy who stole my anti-depressants

I hope you're happy now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b28hbl/to_the_guy_who_stole_my_antidepressants/
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Why was the crushed Pepsi sad?

Because, he was soda pressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b28h6e/why_was_the_crushed_pepsi_sad/
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Why do woman sound like they orgasm when playing tennis?

And why does my mother always play tennis in the bathroom?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b28gyw/why_do_woman_sound_like_they_orgasm_when_playing/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Friend 1: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Friend 2: Idk, why?
Friend 1: To get to the idiots house.
Friend 1: Knock Knock
Friend 2: Who’s there
Friend 1: The chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b28a1s/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Homosexuality is found in over 150 different species, homophobia is only found in two.

We aren't doing enough to exterminate the fag-hating squirrel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b289w7/homosexuality_is_found_in_over_150_different/
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A German, a French and an English survives a plane crash at Pacific...

Before they figure out what to do, a local tribe captures and bring them to their village. As they enter to the village , a mighty chieftain appears. He goes next to the German and asks : “ Death?! or Onga-Bonga?!”
German answers with fear  and hesitation “Onga-Bonga” without knowing meaning of it. The chieftain turns to his people and shouts “Onga-Bonga!!”. Immediately warriors untie the German and rape him at spot.
Next, Chieftain comes next to French and asks “ Death?! or Onga-Bonga?!” . Ofcourse the French doesn’t want to die and answers “Onga-Bonga”. Again the Chieftain turns to his people and shouts “Onga-Bonga!!” Same happens to the French..
Lastly, Chieftain approaches to the English and asks “Death?! Or Onga-Bonga?!”. English waits a second, looks at the French and German with pity, raises his chin and shouts with pride : “ Death!!”
Chieftain turns to his people and shouts “Death!!! By Onga-Bonga!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b27z6b/a_german_a_french_and_an_english_survives_a_plane/
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I once met a girl with a dozen nipples

Sounds funny, dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b27z0j/i_once_met_a_girl_with_a_dozen_nipples/
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Man goes to doctor.

Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci.”﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b27t49/man_goes_to_doctor/
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I'm dating a half asian girl

Her mom is Japanese.
Her father is Japanese.
Her legs were ripped off in a car accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b27qw7/im_dating_a_half_asian_girl/
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What is the phobia of "getting married" called?

Common sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b27pv7/what_is_the_phobia_of_getting_married_called/
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Watch out for those St. Patrick's Day scammers

Just had a guy try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.
Obviously a sham rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b27pj5/watch_out_for_those_st_patricks_day_scammers/
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Where do Jewish parents send their ADHD kids during the summer?

Concentration camps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b27pb7/where_do_jewish_parents_send_their_adhd_kids/
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What does a recovering chronic masturbator and an anorexic have in common?

They're both allowed only one nut a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b27o4z/what_does_a_recovering_chronic_masturbator_and_an/
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I stopped being breastfed at 3

But enough about my day, how was yours?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b27nqw/i_stopped_being_breastfed_at_3/
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What's Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O'Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b27jz2/whats_irish_and_stays_out_all_night/
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I often sleep like a baby

that is, not very much with various fits of crying and pooping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b27jvq/i_often_sleep_like_a_baby/
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My friend showed me a meme he found on Facebook

I had seen that meme before on here, so i told him :
"I have already reddit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b27fuq/my_friend_showed_me_a_meme_he_found_on_facebook/
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An American college student goes to Dublin for St Patrick’s Day

He's getting hammered in a pub, and goes to take a leak. He steps up to the urinal, and this little guy, with a bright orange beard, and all in green, steps up next to him, whips out this giant dick and starts pissing too. The American guy has never seen a dick that big, and he kind of blurts out, “wow, your dick is huge!”
And the little guy goes “Aye! Everyone knows that all Leprechauns have huge dicks!” And the American goes “dude, you’re a leprechaun?” And the little guys says “Aye, and now that you caught me, you get me pot o gold!” And the American goes “dude, really??” and the Leprachaun goes, 'Aye laddie, but there's a condition' and the american goes, 'What condition?' and the leprachaun goes, 'Well, first, you're gonna let me fuck ye up the arse!' and the American goes, “well, ok, I guess” and they go over to a stall, the American drops trou and The leprachaun bends hum over and starts hammering away, and says, 'Hey, let me ask you something laddie, how old are you?” And through gritted teeth the American stammers “uh, uh, I’m 21!” “Well, aren't you a little too old to be believin' in leprachauns?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b27cua/an_american_college_student_goes_to_dublin_for_st/
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My dad made me smoke a full pack of camels last night..

I was wondering if any of y'all wanted some meat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b278mm/my_dad_made_me_smoke_a_full_pack_of_camels_last/
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A comedian walks into a bar

and sees a beautiful woman. Being charismatic and clever with words, he goes up to her and starts talking. They hit it off and are getting along well. Eventually, he brings up that he is a comedian.
"Ah," she says, "then could you tell me a joke?"
"But telling jokes is my job," he replies. "So you asking me to tell you a joke would be like me soliciting you for whatever it is you do for a living."
The woman blushes a little bit. "Well, I'm actually a prostitute."
The comedian is a bit taken aback, but after only a moment's hesitation he begins:
"So a man walks onto a bus and sees this beautiful nun..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b277b7/a_comedian_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two Irishmen get in a car accident late at night

The wreck is bad and both cars are totaled but neither driver is injured. After making sure neither is hurt one of the men goes back to his car and pulls out a bottle of whisky and offers it to the other man saying “thank god neither of us were hurt, have a shot to celebrate”. The other man gratefully takes a big swig and passes it back. The first man caps the bottle and starts to put it away when the other says “aren’t you going to have one?”   He says “no, I’m gonna wait for the police to get here”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2754o/two_irishmen_get_in_a_car_accident_late_at_night/
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An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

"In English, " he said, "a double negative forms of positive. However in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up,
"Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b272nt/an_mit_linguistics_professor_was_lecturing_his/
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Two old Irishmen

are sitting on their porch watching the people walk by.  One nudges the other and points to the Rabbi going into the brothel up the street.  “Such a tragedy to see a religious leader leading such a sinful life!” he exclaims.
After a while they watch the Protestant pastor also going into the same house.  “There's another man of the cloth succumbing to the sins of the flesh!”
More time passes before the Catholic priest comes along and follows the same path.  Both men sadly remove their caps.  “Tis a sad thing, one of the poor lasses needs last rites.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b26xl7/two_old_irishmen/
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Irish-man and Scot-man walk into a pub...

As they walk through the front door, the Scot walks in first. "A round of drinks for the whole house.  I'm buying".
The next day, the lead article in the local paper read:  "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b26tzn/irishman_and_scotman_walk_into_a_pub/
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I was given a boomerang for my birthday, and was told it’s like my dad.

I think it’s defunct though, because when I threw it, it never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b26pxq/i_was_given_a_boomerang_for_my_birthday_and_was/
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A duck walks into a bar...

... and walks up to the bartender to order a pint of lager and a ham and cheese sandwich. The bartender is flabbergasted to see a talking duck, but then quickly proceeds to pour the duck his drink and fetch his sandwich after seeing him get impatient
A few weeks pass and the duck becomes quite the local in the pub ordering the same pint of lager and ham and cheese sandwich. He gets friendly with the bartender and during some small talk the bartender asks what the duck does for a living. The duck explains how he is a plasterer and how work is often quite short round this area.
One day, the circus comes into town and the circus-master comes in for a pint. He gets chatting to the bartender and the bartender suddenly remembers about this talking duck.
“I’ve got a great act for you” said the bartender
“Really? Here is my card, give it to the duck when he next walks in”
The circus master leaves a big tip and leaves the bar
The next day the duck walks in for his usual, but this time the bartender talks to the duck about a new job offer
“I’ve got a fantastic job offer for you” said the bartender
“Oh great! I’m always looking for work” said the duck. “Where is it?”
“The circus!”
“The circus? Where they perform in those great big tents?”
“Yep that’s the one” said the bartender
“Where they all live in caravans?” Said the duck, confused
“You bet”
“Well why the hell would they want a plasterer?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b26nt9/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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An atheist, a vegan, and a CrossFitter walk into a bar...

I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b26nhv/an_atheist_a_vegan_and_a_crossfitter_walk_into_a/
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The Vaseline Biker

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b26m3x/the_vaseline_biker/
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Please stand for the telling of the official St Patrick’s Day joke....

What’s Irish and sits on the porch?
Patty O’Furniture
That concludes the telling of the official St Patrick’s Day joke.
Thank you citizens you may continue with your lives...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b26lvu/please_stand_for_the_telling_of_the_official_st/
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Happy St. Patrick's Day!

An Irishman walks into a pub.  The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.   The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers each have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.Then, one week, he came in and ordered only two. He drank them, then ordered two more.
The bartender carefully approached him and said, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."   The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----but my doctor told me to quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b26jqa/happy_st_patricks_day/
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A girl and her parrot

A girl was complaining to her friend about her pet parrot calling her a whore. Her friend tells her to give him the parrot for a few days and he can sort things out.
He takes the parrot home, fills a tub with water, and holds the parrot's head under the water for a bit and asks it "when you see her what do you say?" The parrot responds "whore"
He dips the parrot's head in another time and asks him again. The parrot replies "still a whore".
He's furious now, he dips his head in for a third time, almost drowning him. He asks again. This time the parrot replies "ma'am".
He takes the parrot back to her and tells her it's all sorted.
She asks the parrot "if you see me walking home with a guy, what do you say?
The parrot replies "he's just your husband, ma'am"
Girl: "and if you see me walking with 2 guys?"
Parrot: "it's just your father and brother visiting, ma'am"
Girl: "and if you see me with 3 guys?"
The parrot turns to her friend and says "FFS! get the tub ready, i told you she's a whore!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b26jiv/a_girl_and_her_parrot/
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How does an Irishman describe a pub with no beer?

"Pintless."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b26gk3/how_does_an_irishman_describe_a_pub_with_no_beer/
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The Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it.... Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b26d9p/the_blonde_nun/
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Which race is the most profitable to run?

A 401K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b26cpu/which_race_is_the_most_profitable_to_run/
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Someone just stole my mood ring!

But I'm not sure how to feel about it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b26bv3/someone_just_stole_my_mood_ring/
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A psychic dwarf escapes a prison...

The Alerts tell the town to keep on the look out for a small medium at large.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b26b9t/a_psychic_dwarf_escapes_a_prison/
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My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met.

I don’t buy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b269vk/my_friends_all_claim_that_im_the_cheapest_person/
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My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday

She's fine. But, the dog died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b268lk/my_motherinlaw_was_bitten_by_a_dog_yesterday/
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Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy?  A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone?  A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover?  You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day?  Brag-pipes.
* What do you call leprechauns who collect cans, paper and plastic?  Wee-cyclers.
* Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?  Because they're a little short.
* I went out drinking on St Patricks Day, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
* Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland? He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
* How do you blind an Irish man?  Put a bottle of scotch in front of him.
* How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?  He's Dublin over from laughter.
* Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day?  Real rocks are too heavy.
* How did the Irish jig get started?  Too much drink, and not enough bathrooms.
* Why did God create Jamison whiskey?  So the Irish would never rule the world.
* What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?  A bachelor.
* What's the difference between an Irish wake and a funeral?  One less drunk.
* Why won't Irish women get engaged on St. Patrick's day?  They don't want a sham-rock.
* What would you get if you combined St. Patrick's day and Christmas?  Saint O'Claus.
* How do you know people are jealous of the Irish?  They're green with envy.
* What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish footballer?  The halfback of Notre Dame.
* Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?  To keep from falling in the stew.
* What's a leprechaun's favorite music? Shamrock and roll.
* What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?  Some poor horse is going barefoot.
* What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?  A jolly green giant.
* Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?  He couldn't afford plane fare.
* What do perverted leprechaun's drink on St. Patrick's day?  Mount & Do.
* What's Irish and stays out on your deck?  Paddy O'furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b267zg/al_the_irish_jokes_ive_heard_irish_this_sub_a/
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Who's the most popular man at the nudist beach?

The one who can carry two cups of coffee and six donuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b264q0/whos_the_most_popular_man_at_the_nudist_beach/
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A zookeeper was doing his rounds one day

He had with him a rucksack and a broom. He had to inspect all the cages and make sure they were clean. First he checked on the bird sanctuary. Aside from Some droppings there were 2 dead birds on the ground. He scooped them into his rucksack and moved on.
Next, he checked the primate cages and he saw 2 monkeys that must have got into a fight because they were dead on the floor as well. He picked them up and put them in his sack which was getting pretty heavy at this point.
He then makes a B line for the lion cages where he takes the inventory of the sack and dumps it out into the cage, then proceeds to walk away.
2 lions come running over to inspect the goodies.
One lion asks "What is it today?"
One lion groans then says to the next lion,
"It's finch and chimps again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2623z/a_zookeeper_was_doing_his_rounds_one_day/
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This St. Patrick's day I drank too much and had to take a bus home.

That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b261wi/this_st_patricks_day_i_drank_too_much_and_had_to/
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People say that the Jews did not handle the whole Jesus situation well.

I think they nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25yas/people_say_that_the_jews_did_not_handle_the_whole/
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Today we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into a blithering, unintelligible stupor.

Or as the Irish call it...breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25y8b/today_we_honor_a_patron_saint_by_drinking/
%
Did Jesus die a virgin?

Of course he didn't. He got nailed before his death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25va6/did_jesus_die_a_virgin/
%
Why did the atom not laugh at his friend's joke?

It was no laughing matter...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25uux/why_did_the_atom_not_laugh_at_his_friends_joke/
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I don't look at r/Jokes because its funny.

I look at it for nostalgia...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25ty0/i_dont_look_at_rjokes_because_its_funny/
%
Sinks can't open doors

Let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25tcr/sinks_cant_open_doors/
%
Angel Gabriel approached God

“What are you doing there?” he asked.
“Well” said God, “You know this planet I’ve been creating?”
“Yeah, what of it?”
“I’ve discovered that I can cause it to rotate in space, and given the position of that star I made earlier; Sol, it allows, in the most part, for a 24hr period of alternating light and dark.”
“Oh, that’s pretty cool. So what now then?”
“To be honest, I think I’m gonna call it a day.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25nfi/angel_gabriel_approached_god/
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If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds your body will have a nice warm meal waiting for them

They can also eat whatever is in the slow cooker too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25ls7/if_you_die_while_making_food_in_a_slow_cooker/
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My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole

Fair enough it was her sister's but still...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25kwo/my_wife_divorced_me_because_i_accidentally_put_it/
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Lawyer

A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25k1w/lawyer/
%
Two hydrogen atoms are walking down a street

All of a sudden, one stops and says “ oh my goodness I’ve lost my electron!” The other turns to him and says “are you sure” to which the first replies “ yeah! I’m positive!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25jxy/two_hydrogen_atoms_are_walking_down_a_street/
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How many "friendzoned" nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25hw3/how_many_friendzoned_nice_guys_does_it_take_to/
%
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for...

I never get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25hoq/i_keep_asking_what_lgbtq_stands_for/
%
Kid: "Mom what's dark humor?"

Mom: See that guy with no arms over there? Tell him to clap.
Kid: Mom! I'm blind.
Mom: Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25h1e/kid_mom_whats_dark_humor/
%
I really wanna watch Fast and the Furious

But the spoilers ruined it for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25fho/i_really_wanna_watch_fast_and_the_furious/
%
I hate when people ask how I see myself in a year

I don't have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25e40/i_hate_when_people_ask_how_i_see_myself_in_a_year/
%
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Lazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25dyi/interviewer_how_would_you_describe_yourself_in/
%
What do you call a legless cow?

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25ctm/what_do_you_call_a_legless_cow/
%
I couldn’t afford to pay the priest who carried out my exorcism.

He repossessed my home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25cge/i_couldnt_afford_to_pay_the_priest_who_carried/
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I was walking around the hospital...

I was walking around the hospital yesterday looking to visit my Nan. When I got to the correct area in the hospital I saw a sign saying “Stroke Patients Here”.
I never did get to visit my Nan, thanks to hospital security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25byt/i_was_walking_around_the_hospital/
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What did Barack say when he proposed to Michelle?

"I don't want to be obamaself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25ag2/what_did_barack_say_when_he_proposed_to_michelle/
%
I once dumped a cross eyed chick

Thought she was seeing someone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b25a7b/i_once_dumped_a_cross_eyed_chick/
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Trump to bartender: We are going to nuke Pakistan & kill Mia Khalifa

Bartender: why mia khalifa?
Trump to Imaran Khan: see nobody cares about Pakistan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b254nw/trump_to_bartender_we_are_going_to_nuke_pakistan/
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Ginger kid

: mom, I love you!
Mother: eee... let's just stay friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b251xf/ginger_kid/
%
Sunbathing

A man with no arms and legs is sunbathing on a beach. He is approached by three beautiful women, who look at him with pitying expressions. The first asks him if he has ever been hugged. He shakes his head and she gives him a big hug. The second asks if he’s ever been kissed. He shakes his head and she kisses him.
The third asks him if he’s ever been fucked. He shakes his head, his eyes lighting up. “Well, you are now,” she says. “The tide’s coming in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24xvw/sunbathing/
%
A Frenchman and a Mexican are sitting on a bench.

The Frenchman will occasionally sniff his fingers and say, "Ah, Fifi.  My Fifi."
One day the Mexican asks, "What is this you're doing with the 'Fifi'?"
The Frenchman responds, "Every morning I finger my wife, Fifi, so I can smell her and think of her fondly. "
The next morning the Mexican finds the Frenchman on the same bench, sniffing his fingers and mumbling "Fifi."
The Mexican sits down next to him, rolls up his sleeve, and takes a long sniff from his elbow to the tips of his fingers...
"JUANITA!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24vi1/a_frenchman_and_a_mexican_are_sitting_on_a_bench/
%
Somebody called my mom gay.

I was left to wonder which one they meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24up0/somebody_called_my_mom_gay/
%
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24u0e/a_little_old_man_shuffled_slowly_into_an_ice/
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My wife was very irritated with me for my constant need to act like a flamingo

so i had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24tke/my_wife_was_very_irritated_with_me_for_my/
%
St. Patrick's Day

So there God was, creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael who starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?"
"I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles.
"Balance?" Michael asked confused. "How so?"
"Well, have a look. You see the two ends? They're cold, but the middle is very warm. So it balances out." God could see that Michael almost got it. "See how she spins. That gives half of it light and the other half dark. Always changing, but always balanced." Michael smiled finally getting it.
That's when a little green island caught his eye. "What's that island?"
With this, God put on an even bigger smile. "She's a beauty, isn't see? That's Ireland. Perfect weather, perfect hunting and fishing, the best beer and the most beautiful girls in the world."
Michael was impressed, but said, "Its amazing, but how do you balance out something so wonderful?
God shrugged. "I put it next to England."
Happy St. Paddy's to all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24stz/st_patricks_day/
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An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24sgt/an_irish_daughter/
%
I used to be in the Resistance.

But I got so good at it that I started resisting them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24sg5/i_used_to_be_in_the_resistance/
%
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?

A πthon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24q7y/what_do_you_call_a_314m_long_snake/
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With all the political correctness in our current era, we can no longer say "black paint", but instead

"Tyrone, can you please paint the fence"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24ija/with_all_the_political_correctness_in_our_current/
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I can’t believe it has been more than a hundred years since Einstein published his Theory of Relativity.

It seems like only yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24i7v/i_cant_believe_it_has_been_more_than_a_hundred/
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I read that 9 out of 10 Americans are bad at math

I'm glad I'm one of the other 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24hbn/i_read_that_9_out_of_10_americans_are_bad_at_math/
%
There's 10 different types of people

Those who understand binary and those who do not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24fas/theres_10_different_types_of_people/
%
My roommate is an underwearwolf.

Every full moon, he puts on clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24f8f/my_roommate_is_an_underwearwolf/
%
Being a teen parent is like pooping...

That little shit always shows up when you least expect it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24e89/being_a_teen_parent_is_like_pooping/
%
I broke up with my Thai girlfriend today.

She was a little bit too cocky for my taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24cfu/i_broke_up_with_my_thai_girlfriend_today/
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There are only three kinds of people...

Those who can do math and those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b24c39/there_are_only_three_kinds_of_people/
%
James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b249qh/james_gunn_has_been_brought_back_as_the_director/
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Did you hear the one about Xi Jinping?

This joke has been flagged for violations of our *new* content policy, specifically our policy against inappropriate speech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b244md/did_you_hear_the_one_about_xi_jinping/
%
I relabeled all the spices in my mother's kitchen

She hasn't found out yet but the thyme is cumin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23yzt/i_relabeled_all_the_spices_in_my_mothers_kitchen/
%
what do you get when you mix LSD with birth control?

a trip without the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23ygw/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_lsd_with_birth/
%
What's the difference between a sniper with bad vision and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but can't hit. The other can hoot but can't shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23wk8/whats_the_difference_between_a_sniper_with_bad/
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Knock knock -> who's there -> dejav -> dejav who ?

Knock knock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23sfm/knock_knock_whos_there_dejav_dejav_who/
%
A blond woman drives by a cornfield.

While driving, she looks out her window and saw that in the middle of the cornfield was another blond woman, sitting in a boat, and rowing as if the boat was in water.
The blond in the car was amazed by what a stupid thing she was looking at. So she stops her car, gets out, and yells "It's blonds like you that give blonds like me such a hard time in the world!"
The blond in the boat then yells, "What's wrong? You want to fight about it?"
So the blond that was driving answered, "I would, but I don't know how to swim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23sc4/a_blond_woman_drives_by_a_cornfield/
%
Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer...

Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23r2o/every_time_i_go_to_a_comic_convention_in_my/
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My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23q3x/my_wife_recommended_i_do_some_light_reading_to/
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If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type.

They're all .jpigs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23phx/if_you_search_pig_on_google_images_every_image/
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I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23oj7/i_suspect_my_roommate_stole_my_antique_measuring/
%
The sun doesn't need to go to college

because it already has 28 million degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23nfj/the_sun_doesnt_need_to_go_to_college/
%
Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why Hooters?”
“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”
“You’re on.”
At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
“Where you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Again? Why?”
“They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.”
“OK.”
At age 52 they meet and play again. “So where you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.”
“OK.”
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.”
“Good choice”
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.”
“Great choice.”
At age 82 they meet and play again. “Where should we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Because we’ve never been there before.”
“Okay.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23nar/two_men_grow_up_together_but_after_college_one/
%
What kind of bees make milk?

BOOBEES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23cza/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk/
%
My girlfriend said it is okay to have a small penis

But I would prefer it if she didn’t have one at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23bnh/my_girlfriend_said_it_is_okay_to_have_a_small/
%
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23ahv/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a/
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My dad always told me that I am special, that I'm the 1%.

Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23a5s/my_dad_always_told_me_that_i_am_special_that_im/
%
What do you call a blonde with a brain cell..?

Pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b239a9/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_a_brain_cell/
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Movie idea

There should be a hostage movie where instead of holding up a bank or skyscraper, the bad guy is a coworker who keeps asking questions at the end of a meeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b23493/movie_idea/
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What do you call a blonde at an institution of higher learning?

A visitor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b232wd/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_at_an_institution_of/
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What do you call two brothers hanging on your window?

Curt and Rod...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b22zvk/what_do_you_call_two_brothers_hanging_on_your/
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I've been diagnosed with paranoia today.

If you ask me, this is only supposed to give me a false sense of security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b22znt/ive_been_diagnosed_with_paranoia_today/
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What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b22zkm/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_one_leg_shorter/
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A man with a 25-inch long penis asks the God to help him.

Man: I can’t live with such a long penis.
God: Go to a lake, you will find a female frog. Ask her to marry you, she’ll say ‘No’ and you will lose five inches.
He went and asked the frog: Will you marry me?
Frog: No He lost five inches.
He thought 20 inch is still long, so he asked her again.
Man: Will you marry me?
Frog: No He lost five inches more.
He thought 15 inch is great, but 10 inches would be ideal. So he asked again.
Man: Will you marry me?
Frog: How many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b22ydm/a_man_with_a_25inch_long_penis_asks_the_god_to/
%
A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess stops him and says, "I'm sorry sir, but we only allow each passenger one carrion"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b22vtj/a_vulture_boards_a_plane_carrying_two_dead/
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I wanna banana from earth.

It's Christmas time, and a little boy is sitting on the mall Santa's lap.
"And what do you want for Christmas?" Santa asks with a smile.
"I wanna banana from Earth." He says, looking a little annoyed.
Santa, somewhat confused, asks the boy. "From earth?"
"Yes" The boy retorts with a scowl.
"From anywhere on earth?" Santa says, still confused.
"Yes! I wanna banana from ANYWHERE on earth." He says, nearly shouting.
"Okay..." Santa says, glancing at the lineup still waiting and deciding to move things along. "I will put that on my list, 'banana from anywhere on earth'."
"Good." The boy says, seemingly satisfied.
"And is that your sister next in line?" Santa asks, seeing the girl resembles the boy.
"Yeah." He responds. "That's Anna."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b22vfk/i_wanna_banana_from_earth/
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I've just seen the most confusing book.

Ventriloquism for Dummies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b22uc8/ive_just_seen_the_most_confusing_book/
%
A man's house is drowning

The boat tries to save him, but the man says:
"No, no the god will save me"
The water level rises up, and big ship tries to save him, but the man says:
"No, no the god will save me"
The water level rises up, and helicopter tries to save him, but the man says:
"No, no the god will save me"
The man drowned and died.
He goes to heaven's gates and asks st. Peter
"why god didn't save me??"
St. Peter asks god:
"Hey, you remember this imbecile, that you sent a boat, ship and a helicopter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b22os8/a_mans_house_is_drowning/
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I know this Russian sound-tech who’s really great.

And a Czech one too.... And a Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b22lnt/i_know_this_russian_soundtech_whos_really_great/
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Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b22l8n/why_do_pirates_only_have_one_type_of_weapon/
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What is the difference between a gay man's mustache and a straight man's mustache?

The smell.
Sorry, stole this from the movie This is 40 and I was cracking up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b22dle/what_is_the_difference_between_a_gay_mans/
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TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

Unfortunately, I lost my job at the aquarium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b22co9/til_that_a_school_of_piranhas_can_strip_all_the/
%
Did you know that Solar Radiation has turned the American Flags on the Moon White?

Great... Now people will think France has been there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b22a1u/did_you_know_that_solar_radiation_has_turned_the/
%
Why did Mickey Mouse name his dog Pluto?

Because he's not a planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b228zk/why_did_mickey_mouse_name_his_dog_pluto/
%
I always hang out with my imaginary friend.

People used to think I'm crazy talking to myself in public.
But everything is fine now; I wear airpods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b228hp/i_always_hang_out_with_my_imaginary_friend/
%
My penis is in the Guinness Book of World Records.

At least it was until the police dragged me out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b220z1/my_penis_is_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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How many Nigerians does it take to change a light bulb?

Never mind, I forgot there was no electricity in Nigeria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b21zz6/how_many_nigerians_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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My dad told me this one, curious if anyone else ever heard it before. A man walks into a bar...

And sits up at the bar, asks the bartender for a rum and coke.
Bartender does some digging under the counter, and pulls out an apple.
The man, visually frustrated, "what is this, I asked for a rum and coke!"
Bartender replies, "take a bite, you'll be suprised."
So he listens, and takes a bite out of the apple.
"Holy shit, this tastes like rum!"
Bartender replies, "turn it around!"
"No way, this side tastes like coke!"
Shortly after, another man enters the bar and orders a gin and tonic.
He also is served and apple.
"What is this?" He asks, and the bartender encourages him to take a bite.
"No way, this side tastes like gin!"
The bartender replies, "turn it around!"
"What... This side tastes like tonic!"
Shortly afterward, a third man enters the bar.
The other two men tell him that whatever he orders, he is going to get an apple that is flavored exactly like what he ordered.
So he asks the bartender for an apple flavored like pussy.
The bartender does some digging, and pulls out an apple.
The third man takes a bite of the apple, and immediately spits it out in disgust.
"That tastes like shit!"
The bartender replies, "turn it around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b21zm0/my_dad_told_me_this_one_curious_if_anyone_else/
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How does a Jamaican close a prayer?

Ayy mon'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b21z41/how_does_a_jamaican_close_a_prayer/
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Why can’t the blonde dial 911?

She couldn’t find the 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b21ycq/why_cant_the_blonde_dial_911/
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An Economist went to a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife.

While he proudly announced to the Salesgirl that he is an Economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase.
The Salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra?"
Of course, our Economist was intrigued and he asked, "What are they?"
Salesgirl : "Sir, capitalistic suppresses the masses, socialistic uplifts the downtrodden and democratic makes mountains out of molehills."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b21sw2/an_economist_went_to_a_lingerie_shop_to_buy_a_bra/
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I began reading a horror novel in braille. I think something bad is about to happen...

I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b21oek/i_began_reading_a_horror_novel_in_braille_i_think/
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50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes start cheering, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b21l8i/50000_blondes_met_in_a_center_for_the_first_ever/
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How’s your long distance relationship been goin?

“So far, so good.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b21jyz/hows_your_long_distance_relationship_been_goin/
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Bro, you want this pamphlet?

Brochure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b21jea/bro_you_want_this_pamphlet/
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Say the opposite of these words

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b21fax/say_the_opposite_of_these_words/
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I named both my testicles Co

So now when I finish I actually coconut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b21bxr/i_named_both_my_testicles_co/
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How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?

...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b21a5y/how_did_they_determine_that_the_shark_attack/
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Have you heard of the Tic-Tac-Toe Beetle?

It has an X-O-skeleton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b2196l/have_you_heard_of_the_tictactoe_beetle/
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How to master Australian accent in seconds

Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud. *You just said razor blades in Australian accent.*
Don't stop there.
Say "Beer Can" with an English accent. *You just said Bacon in Jamaican accent.*
Mastered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b217g8/how_to_master_australian_accent_in_seconds/
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3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.
So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request the priest says “Yes, only if each one of you do something bad.”
They all agree and off their separate ways.
When the first nun comes back the priest asks her about her day. And she tells him all about how amazing it was driving around in a Ferrari. Stumped upon how she was driving a Ferrari he asks the nun how she was able to drive a Ferrari. She responds “You told me to do something bad. So I robbed a bank and bought a Ferrari.”
In shock the priest told her to go drink some holy water to cleanse herself. And just as he starting to catch his breathe the second nun comes back. And she instantly starts telling him how great her day at the beach was wearing a bikini. And the priest feeling responsible now asks how she got the bikini. She responds ”I had to drown a lady to get it.”
The priest baffled by what he just heard again tells her to drink the holy water to cleanse herself of the horrific crime she committed. The last nun walks in and tells the priest she had a great day just walking around the park. And he knew he had to ask. “Did you do anything bad?” She responds calmly “No, not really, I just peed in the holy water before I left.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b20uje/3_nuns_have_dedicated_their_lives_to_god_since/
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How do you reassure a postman who is insecure of his gender?

You call him a Male Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b20sgc/how_do_you_reassure_a_postman_who_is_insecure_of/
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How many times does it take for someone to enjoy fisting?

A handful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b20mz1/how_many_times_does_it_take_for_someone_to_enjoy/
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Did you hear about the giant who had diarrhea?

It was all over town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b20mpx/did_you_hear_about_the_giant_who_had_diarrhea/
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How many hands have I lost?

More than I can count on my fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b20kki/how_many_hands_have_i_lost/
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How do you know if a toilet is lying to you?

Look inside and see if it's full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b20e8a/how_do_you_know_if_a_toilet_is_lying_to_you/
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What did people call it when Mary became pregnant with Jesus?

A Holy fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b20d7o/what_did_people_call_it_when_mary_became_pregnant/
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What's the most manly building ever?

A Man-sion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b20d6w/whats_the_most_manly_building_ever/
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I really like my kids playing D&D

It's character building

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b20c65/i_really_like_my_kids_playing_dd/
%
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b206cr/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_pot_of_boiling_water/
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I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero.

He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1zse1/i_dont_know_why_the_teen_that_cracked_egg_on_the/
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Three women commit a crime.

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1zg5x/three_women_commit_a_crime/
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Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."
The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."
The Indian puts his head back down and continues, "Heading east, about 3 miles away."
The young cowboy exclaims, "That's amazing!"
The Indian replies, "Yep. They ran me over a half hour ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1zfub/two_cowboys_ride_up_on_an_indian_thats_lying_on/
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An Irish priest was driving one night

when he gets pulled over by a police officer. Smelling alcohol, the officer walks up to the priest and asks, "have you been drinking tonight?" Holding a bottle of wine the priest answers, "no officer, just water." "So what's that in your hand", asks the officer. "Good Lord, he's done it again!" , exclaims the priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1z62p/an_irish_priest_was_driving_one_night/
%
Why is San Francisco called the granola city?

Because when you take out all the fruits and nuts, all you have left are the flakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1z3e2/why_is_san_francisco_called_the_granola_city/
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My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything.

But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher.
I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1z2do/my_teacher_used_to_tell_me_that_id_never_amount/
%
Did 'ja hear the one about the criminal painter?

he was framed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1z00k/did_ja_hear_the_one_about_the_criminal_painter/
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My mate from up North owns a pub.

He was telling me other night that he’s been having trouble with a famous Spanish actor who keeps coming into his pub and causing chaos.
“Javier Bardem?” I asked
“I’ve tried," he replied, “but he just keeps comin’ back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1yz93/my_mate_from_up_north_owns_a_pub/
%
There was a farmer who wanted his sheep to get pregnant

However, he hadn't got a male sheep, so he asked a friend what could he do. His friend told him to take the sheep to the mountain, fuck them himself and wait to the next day. If the next day they were placed in the sun, they were pregnant, of they were placed in the shade, they weren't pregnant.
The farmer tries it. He takes the sheep, takes them to the mountain with his van, and fucks them.
Next day, he asks his wife "are the sheep in the sun or in the shade?" And she answers "in the shade!" So he takes them to the mountain with the van and fucks them.
Next day, he asks his wife "are the sheep in the sun or in the shade?" And she answers "in the shade!" So he takes them to the mountain with the van and fucks them.
Next day, he asks again "are they in thw sun or in the shade?" And his wife says "neither of them! They are in the van sounding the horn since 6 a.m!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1yxkb/there_was_a_farmer_who_wanted_his_sheep_to_get/
%
I broke my finger last week

On the other hand, I'm okay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1yvw3/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
%
I took an LSD test the other day

I passed with flying colours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1yvrc/i_took_an_lsd_test_the_other_day/
%
"My brother just got stabbed in the living room and he's dying!"

"Well I guess it isn't a living room anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1yno0/my_brother_just_got_stabbed_in_the_living_room/
%
My dad's puns are so bad, they could kill anyone who hears them.

He calls them his weapuns of mass destruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ymgh/my_dads_puns_are_so_bad_they_could_kill_anyone/
%
Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, “bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.”
From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes “bang bang”
This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.
A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. “Hey Muhammad! You run out of ammo?”
“Yeah!”
“Well come on over, i’ll sell you some!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1yiiz/israelis_and_palestinians_are_fighting_a_battle/
%
I should post a gym joke for Karma,

They really seem to work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ygov/i_should_post_a_gym_joke_for_karma/
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An Italian, a Jamaican and a stormtrooper tried to make a meal for Gordon Ramsay.

It was a rasta blaster pasta disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1yawl/an_italian_a_jamaican_and_a_stormtrooper_tried_to/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...

...eventually they would find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1y8wz/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
%
My team decided to establish a tradition

Everyone on the team would sit in a circle surrounding the team captain before the start of the season. He would then headbutt the ball at one of us, and they would have to headbutt it back at him. The captain would then headbutt it at the person sitting next to them. This would repeat as it cycled through the circle. We tried to get it consistently through the circle as many times as we could. The more times we completed a circle, the better the season would be. We had to stop this tradition, though. Recently, as much as it pains me to say, it caused a death. Kevin was the best teammate we ever had. Our bowling team just won’t be the same without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1y82d/my_team_decided_to_establish_a_tradition/
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What's the difference between German porn and The Ghostbusters?

German porn doesn't wait until the end of the movie to cross the streams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1y7dc/whats_the_difference_between_german_porn_and_the/
%
Little Timmy was in 3rd Grade

One day he went to class and as soon as he sat down, his teacher walked up to him and slammed a test on his desk. “You’re an absolute failure!” she yelled at him. Little Timmy was devastated, he’d never been yelled at like this before, but he bottled up his emotions and did his work. The class ended and Timmy went to his next class. Out of nowhere, his teacher came up and stated to scream at him. “You will never amount to anything you worthless shit!” the teacher yelled. This time Timmy started to cry. That night, Timmy thought about what he should do. The next morning he walked downstairs to his parents and said “Mom… Dad… I don’t want to be homeschooled anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1y5pv/little_timmy_was_in_3rd_grade/
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You hear of that dyslexic atheist cat?

He didn’t believe in dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1y355/you_hear_of_that_dyslexic_atheist_cat/
%
Why did the potato die?

He had tuberculosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1y1g5/why_did_the_potato_die/
%
What does a man with a 10 inch penis eat for breakfast?

Well, I had bacon, eggs, and toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1y0os/what_does_a_man_with_a_10_inch_penis_eat_for/
%
How do you call a dog with no legs?

You can call it however you like but he won’t come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1y0gr/how_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
(Grandma told me this one) why did the teach put a clock on the floor of her desk?

Because she wanted to work overtime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1xwrv/grandma_told_me_this_one_why_did_the_teach_put_a/
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A sucessful business man retires

A successful business man in NYC finally decided to retire. After years of making it big in the stock market, years of wild parties, and years of living the city life, he packs up and moves to rural Montana. He's sick of the busy city, so he picks a very remote house in a very secluded rural area. His closest neighbor is 3 miles away, and his mail/groceries are delivered once a week. He never has to see anyone again.
He spends his time reading books, enjoying the nature, and in general enjoying his time alone.
One day his doorbell rings, and he opens his door to a large, rough looking man. The man let's him know that his name is Lars, and he's his neighbor from about 5-6 miles up the road. He's having a party on Saturday, and the man is invited.
"This sounds great!" the man thinks to himself. "I've been here alone these past few months, and I'm starting to get a little lonely. Meeting the rest of the neighbors sounds like a pretty good time."
He says yes, and Lars is very happy to hear so. Before he goes, Lars gives him a warning: "Just so you know, there's probably going to be some poker or other card games. I don't know how you feel about gambling, but some folks around here aren't too keen on it."
The man, having gone to a weekly guys poker night in his life in NYC, says he's totally fine with it.
Lars speaks up again: "Also, there's probably going to be some drinking. Lots of drinking. I don't know how you feel about alcohol, but some folks around here aren't too keen on it."
The man hasn't been drunk much since he left NYC, thinks it'll be a great change of pace, and says that sounds good!
Lars speaks up one last time: "There's a good chance there's going to be a lot of sex. These parties can get a little out of hand. I don't know how you feel about orgies, but some folks around here aren't too keen on it."
After his wild life in NYC, the man is no stranger to wild sexual experiences, and after several months of no sex, he agrees.
Lars seems pleased, and turns to leave.
The man stops him and asks: "Wait, you forgot to tell me what time on Saturday."
Lars replies: "You can swing by anytime you want. It's just going to be the two of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1xvi9/a_sucessful_business_man_retires/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1xvfc/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_stole_her/
%
A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and Coke

The bartender says "sorry to disappoint, but is Pepsi okay?"
It had been a long day, so the man said "yeah, that's fine"
The bartender turned to pour the drink, then handed it to the man.
"Here you go. Pepsi and Coke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1xs91/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_rum_and_coke/
%
A doctor...

...was called to the front desk to sign some papers.  He pulls out a rectal thermometer from his pocket and exclaimed; "Some asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1xrsx/a_doctor/
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There is only one thing that is more retarded than my sister...

Our children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1xqlr/there_is_only_one_thing_that_is_more_retarded/
%
You want to hear a joke about Reddit?

Nevermind, you’ve seen it here before...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1xnmz/you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_reddit/
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Instagram is the best app

For posting things that went viral on reddit a  week ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1xmqn/instagram_is_the_best_app/
%
Blondies

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1xlyz/blondies/
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What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

You pull the pin and throw it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1xlvv/what_do_you_do_when_a_blonde_throws_a_grenade_at/
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Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity killed them all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1xlgp/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
%
St. Peter decides he wants a day off from the Pearly Gates, so he asks Jesus to fill in for him.

“Your job is simple,” says St. Peter. “Whenever someone approaches the gates, you ask them about their accomplishments in life. If their answer satisfies you, you let them in to Heaven. If not, they get sent to Hell.” Jesus thinks this sounds simple enough, and he agrees.
Before too long, a man approaches the gates. Following St. Peter’s instructions, he asks the man about what he’s accomplished in life.
“Well,” said the man, “I suppose my greatest accomplishment would be raising my son. I am so, so proud of my son. Nearly everyone on earth has heard of him—to say he’s a household name would be a huge understatement. Children grow up learning about him in school and at home. Countless books have been written about him, and his story has inspired people for hundreds of years. He’s not my biological son, but I was the one to raise him, and for that I am infinitely proud and honored.”
Jesus can’t believe what he’s hearing. “Father?” he stammers. “I-is that you?”
The man gasps. “Pinocchio?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1xi5q/st_peter_decides_he_wants_a_day_off_from_the/
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How many 'friendzoned' guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. they will just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1xg81/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
%
Crossword expert dies

He was buried 6 down, 3 across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1x76n/crossword_expert_dies/
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A blind guy had to go to court

The Judge says “Is everyone ready for the hearing?”
The blind guys stands up and says “Well duh, it’s not like I’m going to be doing any seeing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1x6u3/a_blind_guy_had_to_go_to_court/
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The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1x1j6/the_sweater_my_wife_gave_me_was_picking_up_static/
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I was told some bad news last month. A good friend of mine had fallen into an upholstering machine and suffered terrible injuries.

The good news is he's now fully recovered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1x1dr/i_was_told_some_bad_news_last_month_a_good_friend/
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What does answering a colorful telephone sound like?

Green green.. yellow?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1x0hk/what_does_answering_a_colorful_telephone_sound/
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The government has started fining its citizens for poorly worded sentences.

It’s the syntax

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1wz3k/the_government_has_started_fining_its_citizens/
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My girlfriend's birthday is the same day as my grandfather's

I am between spend the day with the person with whom I lost my virginity or with my girlfriend, I dont know what to do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1wq97/my_girlfriends_birthday_is_the_same_day_as_my/
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A PETA activist visits a small ranch in Montana

After meeting the farmhands and inspecting the facilities, the activist asks the rancher:
“So, what do you give to the pigs to eat?”
“Well, pigs don’t need much to live. I give them scraps and food from the fridge that is almost spoilt, that sort of thing.”
“That’s a grave violation of animal rights. You are abusing those poor animals. I’m filing a complaint so you will be fined!”
After some weeks an UN ambassador visits the ranch. After checking the facilities and meeting the farmhands, the man asks the rancher:
“What do you feed the pigs?”
This time, the rancher is better prepared:
“The best food around here, eggs, fresh vegetables, whole milk...”
“What! Such a waste of food! There are children in this very country that suffer from hunger while you give full meals to pigs! I’m reporting on you so you will be fined!”
A month passes and a man visits the ranch. After visiting the facilities and greeting the farmhands he asks the rancher:
“What kind of food do you give to the pigs?”
“Look here, man, every morning I give each $5 and they can go and eat whatever they fucking want.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1wpqg/a_peta_activist_visits_a_small_ranch_in_montana/
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Whenever I see a man wearing a skirt, I run away.

It’s not that I’m homophobic, I’m just afraid he’ll start to play the bagpipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1wjvw/whenever_i_see_a_man_wearing_a_skirt_i_run_away/
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Did you know pigeons die when they have sex?

At least the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1wity/did_you_know_pigeons_die_when_they_have_sex/
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Passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder

The driver shifts himself, swerves, nearly hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window.
Fuck me, your jumpy aren't you? I only tapped your shoulder.
Sorry says the cabbie it's my first day. I've been driving a fucking hearse for the last 20 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1wh9h/passenger_taps_his_taxi_driver_on_the_shoulder/
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This one’s true. A work colleague of mine told me she went to Bangkok on her honeymoon. I replied,

I know you did, but where did you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1wgnu/this_ones_true_a_work_colleague_of_mine_told_me/
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It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child

Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1weye/its_a_little_known_fact_that_chuck_norris_was/
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My GF plays soccer

I think she's a keeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1wce5/my_gf_plays_soccer/
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Why should you never wear nuclear underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1w6mk/why_should_you_never_wear_nuclear_underpants/
%
6.9

Great sex interrupted by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1w3vc/69/
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He: I have a foot fetish...

She:  An uncontrollable desire to return to the imperial measurement system??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1vxw5/he_i_have_a_foot_fetish/
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A new young monk comes to the monastery.

An elderly monk shows him around the monastery and says:
- There's a library here. You can use it whenever you like, except Thursday.
They go to the sauna.
- This is our sauna. You can use it whenever you like, except Thursday.
They go to the canteen.
- This is our canteen. You can come here whenever you like and eat as much as you want, except Thursday.
They went around the whole monastery and the young monk learned that he would be able to go everywhere, except on Thursday. At the end of the tour, the old monk brings the young one to the attic, and there is a wardrobe. The old monk opens it, and someone's ass protrudes from the inside.
- Here is the ass. You can come here whenever you want and do whatever you want to it, except Thursday.
- Everything is great, but why can't I do all these things on Thursday?
- Because on Thursday you have wardrobe duty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1vw81/a_new_young_monk_comes_to_the_monastery/
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This funeral I went to today was so boring

One person was sleeping literally the entire time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1vq0b/this_funeral_i_went_to_today_was_so_boring/
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Yesterday I had the longest deja vu....

I stayed 30 minutes in r/jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1vmza/yesterday_i_had_the_longest_deja_vu/
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Why was Peter Pan able to fly?

If you got hit in the Peter with a pan you'd fly too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1vklq/why_was_peter_pan_able_to_fly/
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Sometimes, I feel like driving north

On parkway south

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1viz7/sometimes_i_feel_like_driving_north/
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My dad always said "don't put your dick in crazy"

"because that's fucking insane"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1vig1/my_dad_always_said_dont_put_your_dick_in_crazy/
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I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking.... scared the shit out of me.

So that's it, after today ... no more reading!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1vgur/i_just_read_an_article_on_the_dangers_of_heavy/
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“I don’t know, man— you really think an amphibian like me has a shot with the princess?”

“Toadily.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1vcm0/i_dont_know_man_you_really_think_an_amphibian/
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Samuel Jackson applies for the lead role in a play

All he's told is that it's the Greek tragedy, Oedipus, and after 4 gruelling rounds of auditions, he doesn't get the part.
He initially thinks it's because he's black.
He's later told it's because he's a bad motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1vble/samuel_jackson_applies_for_the_lead_role_in_a_play/
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No Breast Milk

She was beautiful, blonde and buxom - a perfect specimen of womanhood - with a small baby in her arms. The Doc was in his first day in private practice, eager to show he knew all about everything.
"What's seems to be the problem?", he asked in his best medical manner.
"It's the baby", she said, "He seems under-nourished."
Earnestly the doctor carried out an extensive examination of the baby and then asked, "Is he breast-fed?" "Yes doctor, he is", she replied.
"Will you strip off to the waist now, please?" the doctor said.
The young woman looked at the doctor somewhat anxiously, and began to protest. "But doctor... "
The doctor simply brushed her protestations aside by saying, "it is better to look at everything... so if you wouldn't mind?"
Blushing with embarrassment, she took off her blouse and bra, revealing a perfect pair of large, firm breasts. The young doctor professionally weighed each one in his hands, stroked them forward and back, and then gently flicked each nipple in turn for a few moments, finally lightly squeezing them between his fingers and thumb.
Ah!", he said, as his face broke into a knowing smile. "That's the problem, you do not have one little bit of milk!"
"Oh doctor, that's not the problem", she replied, "I'm just the baby-sitter - but it sure has been a REAL pleasure meeting you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1vb8k/no_breast_milk/
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A Japanese man decides to do some travelling in Africa

A few days into his journey, he came across a tribe not far from a large and dense rain-forest. The tribe leader was ecstatic that someone of Asian descent was at his tribe. They quickly exchanged names and the tribe leader offered to give a quick tour of the rain-forest nearby.
Sato was amazed at the wildlife diversity and learnt many new things about African flora and fauna. The tribe leader was happy that his guest was enjoying his time.
About ten more minutes of walking, they encountered a cave; it was pitch black. Sato tried to make out any figures or objects in the cave but light only shone in about a few meters.
"Toot toot toot," the tribe leader called out in a deep and nonchalant voice.
The tribe leader edged towards the cave and cup his hand around his ear, awaiting a response.
"Toot toot toot," a slightly higher pitched voice called back.
The tribe leader quickly took off all his clothes and dashed into the cave, leaving Sato shocked and confused.
About five minutes later, the tribe leader strolled out, sweating all over and panting in exhaustion.
"What in the world just happened?!" Sato asked frantically.
The tribe leader laughed as he slowly put on his clothes.
"We have a interesting culture here in this area; when you see a cave, you must call out like me and wait for a reply. If you hear reply, it mean that there are a beautiful woman inside wanting to have the sex and you must run in swiftly!"
Sato was taken aback; he has never heard anything like it!
The next day, he trekked alone into the mountain side and came across a smaller rain-forest where wet leaves littered the ground from a storm that morning.
The tribe leader's words echoed in his mind and his curiosity was at an all time high; would the same thing happened?
The damp atmosphere was relaxing as he briskly explored the rain-forest, capturing the beautiful African nature around him.
Lo and behold, right next to the mountains was an extremely huge cave that stood about two to three times his height.
He was exhilarated! A cave this huge must mean many women who could be bustier or more sexually active. He put down his belongings and called out as loud as he could,
"Toot toot toot!"
He paused and listened.
But there was no reply.
"Toot toot toot!!"
He called even louder.
Again, silence.
Sato was furious, he refused to be robbed of this golden opportunity. He took a gulp of water and braced for the loudest call of his life.
"TOOT TOOT TOOT!"
Almost immediately, the cave shrieked back in an extremely solemn voice that was twice as loud.
**"TOOT TOOT TOOT!"**
Sato was on cloud nine, he tore through his clothes with utmost joy and sprinted into the cave.
The next morning, on the front page of the African Daily,
**MYSTERY SURROUNDS DEATH OF A NAKED ASIAN MAN ON NORTH-EAST RAILROAD**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1vb0f/a_japanese_man_decides_to_do_some_travelling_in/
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If Facebook buys Gmail....

If Facebook buys Gmail then the 'mark as seen' option would be changed to 'Mark has seen'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1v1my/if_facebook_buys_gmail/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1uzfa/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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I was watching some skeleton porn [NSFW]

I got a huge boner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1uykk/i_was_watching_some_skeleton_porn_nsfw/
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A police officer candidate goes for an interview...

The officer says, "Take this pistol and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1uxyb/a_police_officer_candidate_goes_for_an_interview/
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Who cares if you pee in the shower?

Turns out the bride and her other guests apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1uvzi/who_cares_if_you_pee_in_the_shower/
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Albert Einstein and Homer Simpson had a bet.

Albert Einstein says “If I can’t answer your question, i’ll give you a million dollars. If you can’t answer my question, you have to give me five dollars.”
Homer says “ok”
Albert Einstein says “I’ll start: What is the capital of France?”
Homer says “lol idk”
Homer gives Einstein 5 dollars.
Homer says “What is alive but also dead”
Einstein doesn’t know the answer, and gives Homer a million dollars
Einstein says “Wow, that was a tough question, what’s the answer?”
Homer gives Einstein 5 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1uurd/albert_einstein_and_homer_simpson_had_a_bet/
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Anti vaccinated kids show no sign of autism

Because autism isn’t detected until age 3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1uqam/anti_vaccinated_kids_show_no_sign_of_autism/
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3.2 beer is like sex in a row boat

It’s fucking near water!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1upcd/32_beer_is_like_sex_in_a_row_boat/
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A young man walks into a bar, asks the barman to pour him three shots of whisky.

The barman pours them, the youth drinks all three straight down.
“Whoa” says the barman, “are you celebrating something?”
The guy smiles at the barman, “Yeah, my first blowjob”.
“Well”, the barman says, “in that case, have another one on me”.
“Thanks”, replies the youth, “but if the first three didn’t take the taste away, another won’t”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1uoi4/a_young_man_walks_into_a_bar_asks_the_barman_to/
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What do you call small rocks?

mini-rals.
(found a book of jokes my daughter wrote when she was 8...this was the best of the lot)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1uo2o/what_do_you_call_small_rocks/
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Who doesn’t like pizza?

A weirdough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1uj1f/who_doesnt_like_pizza/
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"When am I ever gonna use this?" Asked the student to the algebra teacher

"Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1uh3v/when_am_i_ever_gonna_use_this_asked_the_student/
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Why is a degree like a condom?

It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and its worthless the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ughy/why_is_a_degree_like_a_condom/
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There once was a guy from madras

Who had balls made of brass
in inclement weather, they’d jangle together,
And lightning would shoot out his ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ug39/there_once_was_a_guy_from_madras/
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Pat and Mick were walking down the street when Pat fell into a big hole filled with milk.

Mick runs over to the hole and asks:
“Pat, is it pasteurised?”
To which Pat replies:
“Nah, it’s only up to my knees!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1uf1t/pat_and_mick_were_walking_down_the_street_when/
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Did you hear about the boxer who fought his own clone?

The resemblance was striking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ub6t/did_you_hear_about_the_boxer_who_fought_his_own/
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I'm driving up to Worcester this weekend

Easier done than said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1u76c/im_driving_up_to_worcester_this_weekend/
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The pope was being driven around in a limo

A chauffeur was driving the Pope around. The Pope thought to himself "Hmm, I never drive." So the Pope asks the chauffeur, "Is it ok if I drive?" The chauffeur doesn't know what to say, so he let's the Pope drive. The Pope drives, but he drives pretty bad. He can't stay in a straight line, and keeps hitting things. A police officer pulls the Pope over, and asks the pope to roll the windows down. The Pope does, and when the officer sees him, his eyes widen. The officer says "One minute please" and goes back to his car. He calls for the chief, and the chief says "What's the problem?" The officer responds "I just pulled someone very important over." The chief asks who, and the officer responds "I don't know who I pulled over, but the Pope was driving him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1u74q/the_pope_was_being_driven_around_in_a_limo/
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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws him out.
As soon as he gets warm the parrot screams: “death to western capitalist pigs!!! Long live Comrade Stalin”
The guy exclaims: “ 10 minutes in Siberia and you’re a communist?”
The parrot replied: “It’s not the cold... I didn’t want to end up like the other guy in there,”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1u1cq/so_this_guy_applied_to_leave_the_ussr_part_of_the/
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What do you call an Irish millionaire?

A ginger bread man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1tyvp/what_do_you_call_an_irish_millionaire/
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The chef didn’t die

He simply pastaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ty6p/the_chef_didnt_die/
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Driving in the middle

A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the  road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you  mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?”
“Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to drive like that.”
“Oh, yeah?” Let’s see it.” The cop looked at the license and then  concluded, “Ma’am, there’s nothing special about this. It’s just a  temporary license.”
“Look at the very bottom, though,” the woman insisted. “See? It says "Tear along the dotted line.'”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1tt70/driving_in_the_middle/
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My favorite thing about Reddit..

...is how it already knows your gonna like your own comment or post, so it does it for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1tsp0/my_favorite_thing_about_reddit/
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Paddy’s night in Dublin

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.  At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.
‘Damn, damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’
Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’
‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1tpmc/paddys_night_in_dublin/
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What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1to2p/whats_more_irish_than_potatoes/
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It's funny how we sleep differently

I sleep on my side, my friend sleeps on his back,
my ex sleeps with everybody.
That sort of thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1tmdy/its_funny_how_we_sleep_differently/
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"One Man's Junk" would make a good name for a pawn shop.

Also for a gay bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1tlvh/one_mans_junk_would_make_a_good_name_for_a_pawn/
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My boyfriend's parents told me "There's no way you stay in a relationship with him!"

So i said "Mom, i'm 18. You can't tell me what to do anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1tae9/my_boyfriends_parents_told_me_theres_no_way_you/
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Women are like...women.

I don't really know anything about them, so I have nothing to compare them with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1t9bx/women_are_likewomen/
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Gravity is such a disappointment.

It always lets me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1t93g/gravity_is_such_a_disappointment/
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A missionary on a mission trip to Africa saves a baby elephant from sure death.

Long time past since then and he is back home with his kids at the zoo one day. There was an elephant show when suddenly this one elephant stops and looks very carefully at this man. Slowly comes up to his seat maintaining the eye contact. Then all of a sudden he picks the man with his trunk throws him across the room into the wall and man dies instantly.
That was not the same elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1t93n/a_missionary_on_a_mission_trip_to_africa_saves_a/
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve killed a deer

It’ll be zero bucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1t8oy/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_ive_killed_a_deer/
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What does a necrophiliac do after a long days work

Goes home and cracks open a cold one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1t7mk/what_does_a_necrophiliac_do_after_a_long_days_work/
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Sharron is fired from her job-

And she blames it on prejudice against her for being a blonde woman. So she’s driving back home in the rain, fuming with anger thinking about how ridiculous it is for her boss to still believe such stereotypes. Then from the corner of her eye Sharron notices an empty field, and in that field is another blonde woman rowing a boat across the mud. This being the last straw, Sharron pulls over and gets out. She’s standing there at the edge of the field and shouts at the other woman, “You buffoon! You moron! What the hell are you even thinking, huh?! You know, it’s blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! And if I could swim I’d come out there and kick your ass!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1t7m7/sharron_is_fired_from_her_job/
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Shoutout to my grandparents

Beause that's the only way they can hear me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1t6cm/shoutout_to_my_grandparents/
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I was about to leave my house, but then I realized I needed to go to the bathroom.

It was an unexpected turd of events.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1t5lq/i_was_about_to_leave_my_house_but_then_i_realized/
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I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal because...

Everyone who searches for actual news on Elongate will only get 50 pages of a reposted joke from Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1t36p/i_hope_elon_musk_never_gets_involved_in_a_scandal/
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Me: "Do you shower after sex?"

Coworker: "Yes."
Me: "Then you should get laid more often."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1t2b1/me_do_you_shower_after_sex/
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Son proudly tells Dad : “Dad, I lost my virginity!”

Dad : “That’s my boy! Let’s sit down and celebrate this!”
Son: “I can’t sit down it kinda hurts..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1t0w3/son_proudly_tells_dad_dad_i_lost_my_virginity/
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Me: Dad I'm cold

Dad: Go to the corner it's 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1t0qw/me_dad_im_cold/
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The Greatest Sex Culture . . .

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.
Over coffee, the Greek says, "Well, we built the Parthenon."
The Italian replies, "We built the Coliseum.
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."
The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ".
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That may be true, but it was the Italians who included women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sztc/the_greatest_sex_culture/
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How did Pavlov make his hair so soft?

He conditioned it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1syi6/how_did_pavlov_make_his_hair_so_soft/
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Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?

He wanted to find Pluto!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sy8i/why_did_mickey_mouse_take_a_trip_into_space/
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I took a picture of a wheat field today...

It came out pretty grainy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sx50/i_took_a_picture_of_a_wheat_field_today/
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An old Soviet joke

Stalin invited General Zhukov into his office for a conference, and yells at him for 2 hours regarding the war's slow progress.
As Zhukov steps out of the office, he mutters under his breath, "that damn mustachioed son of bitch!"
Unfortunately, he is overheard by Stalin's secretary, who immediately sees an opportunity and runs inside Stalin's office to inform him of Zhukov's offense. Stalin calls Zhukov back in and says "Comrade General...to whom were you referring when you said 'that damned mustachioed son of a bitch'?"
Zhukov straightens and says, "why, I was referring to Hitler, Comrade Stalin."
"I see," says Stalin and turns to the secretary. "And who did you believe it was, Comrade Secretary?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sx3o/an_old_soviet_joke/
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If you find out someone has 10,000 bees, marry them

That’s how you know they’re a keeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1swij/if_you_find_out_someone_has_10000_bees_marry_them/
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The average man walks 5 miles a hour, the corner store is 1 mile away

Explain why it took my dad 15 years to come back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sw8t/the_average_man_walks_5_miles_a_hour_the_corner/
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A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.
“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.
The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”.  “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board”
“And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “
The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!”
“You already are”  replied the rancher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1suzb/a_man_owned_a_small_ranch_in_montana/
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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is white, plastic, and dangerous to kids. You put groceries in the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1st3d/whats_the_difference_between_michael_jackson_and/
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A Limbo champion walks into a bar

He is immediately disqualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sspx/a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife doesnt like me greeting people at a funeral

Good mourning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ss2z/my_wife_doesnt_like_me_greeting_people_at_a/
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You are not drunk as long as you ...

Lay on the floor not having to hold onto anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1srr3/you_are_not_drunk_as_long_as_you/
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I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sr9u/i_hope_elon_musk_never_gets_involved_in_a_scandal/
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About an inch

The UN is in session and the three major superpowers, the US, Russia, and China are trying to out do each other's achievements.
The US says "we have a missile that could reach any point on Earth with amazing precision and destroy it."
Everyone else starts chattering in disbelief and the UN moderator finally questions the statement. Under pressure the US says "well... It will land within 1 foot of the target." Everyone seems satisfied with the answer.
Russia says "we have a missile that could go into space, go hypersonic, and comeback into Earth and kill our target with maximum efficiency." Again people start questioning how unbelievable this sounds. Russia then says "well... It will destroy it's target with a precision of about 7 inches".
The Chinese spokes person comes up with a grin in his face and says "We have a missile that could go the dark side of the moon, land, collect a sample of the soil and then continue to destroy your country." Everyone is stunned by this and start questioning the statement. The Chinese finally concede and say "well... It will land within 3 inches of the target."
Kim Jong-Un, furious that no one is paying attention to him and the fact that he has been completely outdone, screams out "I have a goat that could give birth through its anus!" People go wtf is he saying. Even his own people are questioning his statement. The US ask him "how is this relevant and, even if it were, there is no such thing as a goat giving birth through its anus!"
Kim, knowing that he is on the spot, squirming in his seat and sweating like a horse finally says "well... Not exactly through its anus, but within a margin of error on 1 inch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sopj/about_an_inch/
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Pick up lines for cross-eyed people

When you’re in the room both my eyes are on you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1snzn/pick_up_lines_for_crosseyed_people/
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After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils. They dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1snjv/after_you_die_what_part_of_your_body_is_the_last/
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Why were 6am, 7am, 8am and 9 am sad?

Because they were mourning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sjbb/why_were_6am_7am_8am_and_9_am_sad/
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What did Lori Laughlin's husband say in the court hearing?

Have mercy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sdtb/what_did_lori_laughlins_husband_say_in_the_court/
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What's the difference between a grenade and a wife?

You have to pull the ring out of a grenade, to make it blow a bunch of other guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sdko/whats_the_difference_between_a_grenade_and_a_wife/
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Life lesson

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sdjf/life_lesson/
%
My three favorite things

are eating my family and not using commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sd48/my_three_favorite_things/
%
How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1scuj/how_do_you_get_a_fat_girl_into_bed/
%
Some Alligators can grow up to 15 feet

but most only have 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1scbq/some_alligators_can_grow_up_to_15_feet/
%
The inventor of anagrams died today.

May he 'erect a penis'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sb4u/the_inventor_of_anagrams_died_today/
%
What is the difference between an STD and some place that doesn't exist anymore?

One is gonorrhea, the other is a gone area.
Ill show myself out now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1sanb/what_is_the_difference_between_an_std_and_some/
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What do you call a deaf priest ?

What ever you want, he wont hear you .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1s73d/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_priest/
%
What happend to the plant in maths class?

It grew Square roots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1s5hv/what_happend_to_the_plant_in_maths_class/
%
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100

I lost interest in that relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1s2x5/my_girlfriend_borrowed_100_from_me_after_3_years/
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A PS4 doesn't feel well. We need to call the ambulance.

Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1rzqn/a_ps4_doesnt_feel_well_we_need_to_call_the/
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What do a pallet of bricks and a fat girl have in common?

Sooner or later they will get laid by a Mexican

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1rz08/what_do_a_pallet_of_bricks_and_a_fat_girl_have_in/
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Jokes and sex have one thing in common....

...they both suck when you force them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1rxje/jokes_and_sex_have_one_thing_in_common/
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Hey girl, are you Irish?

Because my penis is Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ruu4/hey_girl_are_you_irish/
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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were  planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go under his car and pretend he's fixing something but actually having a wank.
So on his way home he pulls over, crawls under his car, closes his eyes and imagines his wife. Suddenly he hears a voice, "Excuse me sir, what do you think your doing?"
In shock he answers," I'm just fixing my car, the gear box was malfunctioning". The man answers " I think the handbrake is as well, your car went down the hill about five minutes ago"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ruej/a_man_went_on_the_internet_at_work_and_read_that/
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What do you call an undead bee?

A zombee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1rs85/what_do_you_call_an_undead_bee/
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a man went to spain to tour around the country

one day he went to an awsome one in a lifetime bullfighting show. after the show, he wanted to try some spanish food. he went to a restaurant next to the stadium. he wanted to order some steak when he saw the couple next table eating giant meatballs. he asked the waiter.
the man: excuse me, can i have those meatballs instead?
waiter: im sorry seinor but we only serve them once a day
the man told the waiter to save it for him tomorrow, and he come within mins. the next day, the waiter called the man and told him that he had reserved the meatballs for him and told him to come now. the man rushed to the restaurant and saw the waiter. the waiter served him the meatballs without any doughts. but then the man asked.
the man: im sorry to ask but why are the meatballs smaller than the ones from yesterday?
the waiter replied: you see seinor, the meatballers are made with bull testicles...
the man: so?
the waiter: and sometimes seinor, sometimes the bullfighters don’t always win...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1rqtc/a_man_went_to_spain_to_tour_around_the_country/
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I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..

Did *not* see that coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1rqqp/ive_just_been_sacked_from_my_job_as_a_prophet/
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There was a competition to find who could last the longest without masturbating.

I came first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1rqd9/there_was_a_competition_to_find_who_could_last/
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What do you call a fake postman?

An imposter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ro2n/what_do_you_call_a_fake_postman/
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Me: It’s not how many times you fall down. It’s how many times you get back up.

Cop: Sir, that’s not how sobriety tests work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1rnzu/me_its_not_how_many_times_you_fall_down_its_how/
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Whats the difference between a pickle and a chick pea

~~I’ve never had a pickle on my chest before~~
The texture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1rlhu/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickle_and_a_chick/
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A little boy was doing maths homework, saying to himself... 2+5, the son of bitch is 7

3+6, the son of bitch is 9
His mother heard this & asked, "What r u doing?"
Boy: "Doing my maths homework"
Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"
Boy: "Yes"
Infuriated mother called the teacher:
Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of bitch is 4?
Teacher started laughing & answered:
"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."
*Moral:* *PHONETICS* is important ...
English must be mastered before Maths

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1rki0/a_little_boy_was_doing_maths_homework_saying_to/
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Jokes and sex are almost the same

I don't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1rip5/jokes_and_sex_are_almost_the_same/
%
Do you know what happens if you make a malware angry?

Malwarebytes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ri5u/do_you_know_what_happens_if_you_make_a_malware/
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Want to come over and watch porn...

... on my flat screen mirror?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1rgci/want_to_come_over_and_watch_porn/
%
A soldier was hit by mustard gas in war, and then pepper spray by a police officer.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1rem0/a_soldier_was_hit_by_mustard_gas_in_war_and_then/
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What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brown...

Artifical intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1relq/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_blonde_dyes_their_hair/
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A pastor was nervous abouts speaking in front of his congregation

so he put a glass of vodka next to his water glass
the next day he had a note on his desk saying
don't chug the vodka
there are 12 disciples not ten
there are ten commandments not 12
we do not refer to the trinity as daddy junior and the spook
david slew goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him
jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
david was knocked off his donkey with a rock, not stoned off his ass
the proper blessing before a meal is not rub a dub dub thank you for this grub yeah god
we do not refer to the virgin mary as mary with the cherry
jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he did not say eat me
we do not refer to jesus and the apostles as JC and the boys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1r8rm/a_pastor_was_nervous_abouts_speaking_in_front_of/
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When waiting in a long life of cars, the drivers say "ughhhh", but what do the cars say when it's over?

That was exhausting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1r68b/when_waiting_in_a_long_life_of_cars_the_drivers/
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What’s Elon Musk’s favourite comedy?

Bambi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1r552/whats_elon_musks_favourite_comedy/
%
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick

Mostly because his name is Steve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1r3ez/my_boss_hates_it_when_i_shorten_his_name_to_dick/
%
French tanks in WW2 have special features

They have side mirrors so they can see the Germans when escaping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1qwu3/french_tanks_in_ww2_have_special_features/
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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!
The official laughed and let the old man through.
The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home.
The official laughed and let him through.
When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: Who is that?
Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1quzf/an_old_jewish_man_was_finally_allowed_to_leave/
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Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."
The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."
So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise.
The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy  gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise."
So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"
The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1qn69/two_guys_are_walking_through_the_woods_one_day/
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What's the number between 5 & 7?

Believe me or not... But it's 3!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1qj7h/whats_the_number_between_5_7/
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I hated working as a valet at the anti-vaxxer convention.

all i got was bunch of measly tips!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1qhc7/i_hated_working_as_a_valet_at_the_antivaxxer/
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Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey

Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1qfs4/julius_caesar_ordered_pizza_for_the_senate_at/
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I was eating a bag of Goldfish the other day

With horror, the Petco worker asked me to leave the store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1qegk/i_was_eating_a_bag_of_goldfish_the_other_day/
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Welcome to our ' OOL'.

Notice there is no 'P' so lets keep it that way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1qck0/welcome_to_our_ool/
%
Doctor! Doctor! My brains look like my testicles!

I’m sorry, son. It’s a serious case of cerebral ballsy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1qaev/doctor_doctor_my_brains_look_like_my_testicles/
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Women with flaws are like cancer

They tend to grow on you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1q7ge/women_with_flaws_are_like_cancer/
%
Did you hear hear about the guys who wrote the book about eating all you can at buffets?

They weren’t hungry Et Al.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1q711/did_you_hear_hear_about_the_guys_who_wrote_the/
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Are you ready to have only 7 planets left?

Because im about to destroy Uranus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1q6hf/are_you_ready_to_have_only_7_planets_left/
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When parents post pictures of their kids in the bath it's normal and cute

But when I save those pictures suddenly I'm a weirdo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1q5fi/when_parents_post_pictures_of_their_kids_in_the/
%
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”

I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1q4lr/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_saying/
%
Lettuce leave

Ashen faced Joe Smith goes to see his doctor.
“Doc I have a piece of lettuce coming out of my ass.”
The doctor gravely does an ass exam with much tut tutting, poking and prodding.
“What’s going on Doc? Is it serious?”
“Well Mr Smith. I have some bad news. Unfortunately, it’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1q3xw/lettuce_leave/
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The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1q3um/the_worlds_leading_expert_on_european_wasps_walks/
%
Why are the planets scared of Jupiter?

Jupiter Saturn Uranus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1q2p4/why_are_the_planets_scared_of_jupiter/
%
I told my doctor I broke my leg in 2 places...

He said "don't go back to those places again".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1q2fp/i_told_my_doctor_i_broke_my_leg_in_2_places/
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Doctor: Would you like to hear the good new or the bad news first? Patient:The good news I guess...

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1q1vk/doctor_would_you_like_to_hear_the_good_new_or_the/
%
One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1pzxr/one_day_albert_einstein_had_to_speak_at_an/
%
Why was Heisenberg's wife unhappy?

Whenever he had the energy he didn't have the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1pzwx/why_was_heisenbergs_wife_unhappy/
%
What did the puppy say to the skeleton

Cmon, throw a dog a bone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1pwom/what_did_the_puppy_say_to_the_skeleton/
%
I’d make a joke about foot wear but...

I probably shoe-dent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1pog1/id_make_a_joke_about_foot_wear_but/
%
What do you call the ban on same sex marriage?

Rainbow Sex Seize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1pklh/what_do_you_call_the_ban_on_same_sex_marriage/
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A keyboard joke

Why keyboards don’t sleep?
Because they have 2 shift’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1pejw/a_keyboard_joke/
%
Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio

The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1pcyx/pablo_picasso_surprised_a_burglar_at_work_in_his/
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To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide but you can’t run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1p9xi/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
I asked her to be mine

She exploded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1p6c4/i_asked_her_to_be_mine/
%
What type of rock do you find in the shed?

Shedimentary!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1p4t9/what_type_of_rock_do_you_find_in_the_shed/
%
How do you get more friends?

You tell girls you love them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1p3yj/how_do_you_get_more_friends/
%
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1p23q/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
%
I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues

Only retards do that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1oze2/i_refuse_to_insult_someone_by_saying_that_they/
%
What is Minnie Mouse's father's name?

Massive Mouse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1oyr1/what_is_minnie_mouses_fathers_name/
%
A bear is chasing a rabbit

Through the woods and stumble upon a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says "thank you for freeing me, I have granted you two the ability to communicate with. I will give both of you 2 wishes.". The bear speaks up first "I wish to have the biggest bear penis in the world." The genie looks to the rabbit "I wish to have a motorcycle." While the rabbit hoped onto the bike the bear says "for my second wish I want all the other bears in the world to be female." The rabbit revved the bike "I wish that bear was gay" and rode off into the sunset.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ox5z/a_bear_is_chasing_a_rabbit/
%
Why do Jews get circumcisions?

Because Jewish women can't resist anything that's 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1or0q/why_do_jews_get_circumcisions/
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Your riding a horse, next to you is a giraffe and a zebra

You notice a lion chasing you from behind
What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1oqn4/your_riding_a_horse_next_to_you_is_a_giraffe_and/
%
I’m trying to think of a joke about waiting for the bus at the wrong bus stop.

But nothing is coming to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1oqlz/im_trying_to_think_of_a_joke_about_waiting_for/
%
I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1oq1i/i_walked_into_a_store_and_noticed_they_were/
%
Have you ever got hit by frozen rain before?

It hurts like hail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ofif/have_you_ever_got_hit_by_frozen_rain_before/
%
How many moths does it take to change a lightbulb?

Moths can't change lightbulbs but they keep trying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1odpy/how_many_moths_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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Cream Loses Its Magic

Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.' Why do you do that, Mummy?' he asked
'To make myself beautiful', said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue
'What's the matter?' asked little Michael, 'Giving up?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1odoz/cream_loses_its_magic/
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Im terrified of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1o67s/im_terrified_of_elevators/
%
What do you call a dog that’s into S&M?

A sub-woofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1o4e6/what_do_you_call_a_dog_thats_into_sm/
%
What is sex?

An 8 year old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1nx46/what_is_sex/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2, but how did they get in there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1nrbn/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
2 wrongs don't make a right

But 3 lefts do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1nps5/2_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
%
A farmer is sitting in bed with his wife

He reaches over and playfully squeezes her breast and says “you know, if we could get these to work, we could get rid of the milking cow”
She reaches down between his legs and says “yes, and if you could get this to work, we could get rid of the farm hand”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1nl3i/a_farmer_is_sitting_in_bed_with_his_wife/
%
What are Mario’s overalls made of?

Denim denim denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1nhf4/what_are_marios_overalls_made_of/
%
A German shepherd walks into a bar

and says “Hey, I’m a talking dog.  Other dogs can do tricks, but have you ever heard one talk? How about a drink for a dog who’s articulate and erudite?"
The bartender says, “Sure, the toilet’s there, first door on the right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1nh8l/a_german_shepherd_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A miner back in the 1800s finally strikes gold

Amazed by his good luck, he decides that he wants to go into town and celebrate with a prostitute.
He walks into the local tavern, goes up to the barkeep and says,
“I’m looking for the toughest whore in the Yukon!”
The barkeep looks at him and says
“We got her! Go upstairs and she’s in the second room to the right.”
The miner starts upstairs, but before he goes he orders two beers to take with him. At the top of the stairs, the man looks for the second door on the right, opens it and finds a woman sitting on the bed.
The woman looks at the man with the beers in his hand, strips naked and bends over.
“That’s amazing, how did you know I wanted to do it like that?”
The prostitute says
“Do it like what? I just thought you might want to open those beers before we got started.”
Sorry if this is a repost, I’ve never seen it here before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1nfwf/a_miner_back_in_the_1800s_finally_strikes_gold/
%
As the saying goes: those who cannot do, teach...

So I recently started running a class on picking up women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1nfp8/as_the_saying_goes_those_who_cannot_do_teach/
%
How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass

Satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1n6qt/how_did_the_redneck_find_the_sheep_in_the_tall/
%
How far can a dog run into the woods?

Halfway. After that, he’s running out of the woods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1n3a8/how_far_can_a_dog_run_into_the_woods/
%
Why was the newly born egg so happy?

He just got laid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1n35g/why_was_the_newly_born_egg_so_happy/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1mzl3/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
Full House is becoming a trilogy

Danny Tanner was the focus of Full House.
D.J. Tanner is the focus of Fuller House.
Aunt Becky will be spending time in the Big House.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1mypn/full_house_is_becoming_a_trilogy/
%
My girlfriend is a sniper. I'm pretty sure she loves me. You know how I know?

She said she missed me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1mv8k/my_girlfriend_is_a_sniper_im_pretty_sure_she/
%
King Hamlet wanted an estimate of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.

So he called his friend Horatio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1mtzo/king_hamlet_wanted_an_estimate_of_sluts_to/
%
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old
blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1mtd5/an_amish_boy_and_his_father_were_visiting_a_mall/
%
Dear Dairy,

Today I found out I have dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1mqfm/dear_dairy/
%
Genie: you have three wishes

me: make math go away
Genie: ok, that one's on the house
me: yay, so I still get three wishes?
Genie: huh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1mjhm/genie_you_have_three_wishes/
%
"Hey dad wanna hear a joke"

"Sure son"
"Sex"
"I dont get it"
"Ofc you dont"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1mh9z/hey_dad_wanna_hear_a_joke/
%
Why are women athletes so upset about losing to transgender females?

Hormones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1meot/why_are_women_athletes_so_upset_about_losing_to/
%
I'm so sick of millenials and their poor attitudes...

...always walking around like they rent the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1mcwv/im_so_sick_of_millenials_and_their_poor_attitudes/
%
How did the nucleus escape from prison?

It escaped through a "cell wall".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1m694/how_did_the_nucleus_escape_from_prison/
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1m64b/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_can/
%
What do you call a 12 Step program for people who talk too much?

On and On Anon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1m5po/what_do_you_call_a_12_step_program_for_people_who/
%
I ordered an extra large T-shirt from an online Roman website.

They sent me fucking forty regular.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1m4w1/i_ordered_an_extra_large_tshirt_from_an_online/
%
Why can’t basketball players have kids?

Because they always dribble before they shoot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1m4re/why_cant_basketball_players_have_kids/
%
The most common name in Vietnam can be used as both a first and a last name

I guess for them, it’s a Nguyen Nguyen situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1m1b6/the_most_common_name_in_vietnam_can_be_used_as/
%
What did the leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1m10r/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_hooker/
%
There's just one reason the car from the Dukes of Hazzard isn't as good as the car from Knight Rider...

General Lee speaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1lzq0/theres_just_one_reason_the_car_from_the_dukes_of/
%
Whatever you do, always give 100%.

Unless you’re donating blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1lvxk/whatever_you_do_always_give_100/
%
Two old guys are sitting in a park and talking

The first guy says: "You know, I went to a brothel the other day"
"Oh yeah? And what happened?"
"I banged for two hours!"
"Two hours?! At your age?!"
"Yeah, and those whores still wouldn't let me in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1lr4g/two_old_guys_are_sitting_in_a_park_and_talking/
%
What type of flooring do lesbians prefer?

They prefer carpet over hardwoods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1lkot/what_type_of_flooring_do_lesbians_prefer/
%
A brunette is speeding in her car with her blonde friend passenger

The blonde in the passenger seat turns around and notices a police car behind them and quickly tells the driver.
"Damn it, does he have his lights on?" Asks the brunette.
The blonde turns back around and says
"Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1lgm0/a_brunette_is_speeding_in_her_car_with_her_blonde/
%
John was a boy who sent a letter to Santa Claus.

As soon as the letter arrived in the mail, the mailmen, as having no one to send the letter to, decided to open it. In said letter, John stated that he did not want gifts but $ 200 to buy medicine for his mother who was very sick.
He also said that he was poor, but hardworking, and that he had been a good boy during the year.
The mail staff, very touched with such innocence, made a pool and, asking everyone then some of them could give a small value, others could give more. With great effort they raised $ 150, which was sent to John in the name of Santa Claus.
After a while, here comes another letter from John to Santa Claus. The letter said, "Dear Santa, thank you very much for the money you sent me. My mother is already feeling better and she wants to thank you. I would just like to ask you a little favor: the next time you send money to me, try to delivery yourself directly at my address, because those motherfuckers mailmen stoled 50 dollars of my money!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1l56u/john_was_a_boy_who_sent_a_letter_to_santa_claus/
%
Why couldnt Elon Musk lift the box?

Its was too falcon heavy
I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1l2li/why_couldnt_elon_musk_lift_the_box/
%
What's the difference between St Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day?

Everyone wants to be Irish on St Patrick's day..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1l251/whats_the_difference_between_st_patricks_day_and/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1l23u/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
what I know about dwarves?

Very little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1l1r3/what_i_know_about_dwarves/
%
Why are physicists still considered "not" cool...

When Thermodynamic entropy is getting cooler all the time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1kwcj/why_are_physicists_still_considered_not_cool/
%
Sweet jeebus, this panda is hurt! Quick call the

bamboolance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1kw7s/sweet_jeebus_this_panda_is_hurt_quick_call_the/
%
Why do chickpeas hate being pulverized to bits and rolled into balls?

Because it makes them falafel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1kvf3/why_do_chickpeas_hate_being_pulverized_to_bits/
%
They say watching porn might affect my IQ.

Ha, screw it, I don’t even have that Apple product.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1kupx/they_say_watching_porn_might_affect_my_iq/
%
Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1kqpc/son_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
%
Brilliant idea for a start-up

Imma build a new operating system which, when the disk gets full, randomly deletes half your files.
Gonna call it thanOS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1kocf/brilliant_idea_for_a_startup/
%
An old man was sitting on his front porch....

He watches a boy walk by with chicken wire.
Old man: “hey boy, what are you doing with that chicken wire”
Boy: “I’m going to catch some chickens!”
Old man “that’s not how that works, but have fun”
An hour later the boy comes back with a stringer of chickens
Next day, same thing but boy has a roll of duct tape. The old man inquires and the boy responds that he is going to catch some ducks. Once again the old man advises him about actual uses for duct tape.
An hour later the boy comes back with several ducks.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by with a bundle of Pussy willows.
The old man shouts “ let me grab my coat, I’m coming with you!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1knob/an_old_man_was_sitting_on_his_front_porch/
%
How many roaches does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nobody knows. Once it turns on they all scatter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1khl4/how_many_roaches_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea

His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:
-Why are you only half mast?
-It’s mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1kg1k/a_sailor_comes_back_one_morning_after_a_long_time/
%
Wanna hear a joke from someone with short term memory loss?

“Yeah”
“Yeah, what?”
“The joke”
“What joke”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1kdfy/wanna_hear_a_joke_from_someone_with_short_term/
%
A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."
She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!"
He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1kcp8/a_man_goes_into_a_brothel/
%
Once I knew a feminist

Her favourite sentence was "All men are trash."
Her second favourite sentence was "Women and men are equal."
Her third favourite sentence was "Fuck you!" spoken whenever someone brought up the transitive property.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1k80e/once_i_knew_a_feminist/
%
A lion waa doing the cocaine

Once upon a time, a bear was smoking the weed. The rat see this.
Rat : why are you wasting your life in this, come with me. Jungle is so pretty.
So the bear and the rat start touring the jungle. They see a wolf doing the meth.
Rat : why are you wasting your life in this, come with me and bear, see how pretty the jungle in the night is..
So all of them start touring the jungle. At the next corner, elephant was doing the LSD.
Rat : why are you wasting your life in this, come with us.. see the beauty of the jungle night..
Elephant also joined the team. All four were near the beach when they saw the Lion do8ng rhw cocaine.
The moment Lion saw the Rat, lion hit the rat on the face... Rat goes flying..
Bear : hey, what you doing.. he was saving us from the drugs.. and showing the real beauty of jungle.
Lion : I know.. he do that shit every night with different animals after chugging a bottle vodka..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1k0vk/a_lion_waa_doing_the_cocaine/
%
If my name was Victor, I’d become a historian.

Because history is written by the victors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1juac/if_my_name_was_victor_id_become_a_historian/
%
My sister came in my room and said this

Ok, so say ketchup and liquor after each sentence ok?
What did you eat for breakfast?
ketchup and liquor
What did you eat for dinner?
ketchup and liquor
What do you do when a girl runs
...
Nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1jrat/my_sister_came_in_my_room_and_said_this/
%
My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after sex and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months

my wife is up to three packs a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1jlv1/my_wife_and_i_made_a_stop_smoking_pact_so_now_we/
%
The hot dog

So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look too good, either.
Deciding he'd better not take any chances, the guy orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.
The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.
The guy says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"
The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."
And the guy says, "Cancel the hot dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1jf6u/the_hot_dog/
%
At a job interview, they asked me how well I could perform under pressure.

I told them I could hum a few bars, but I was more of a fan of Bohemian Rhapsody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1jczt/at_a_job_interview_they_asked_me_how_well_i_could/
%
A strange sight was seen in the Skies of Medieval Canterbury

It was a flying Chaucer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1jbo4/a_strange_sight_was_seen_in_the_skies_of_medieval/
%
Well I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters

There goes my last 6 months of training

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1jbnt/well_i_just_found_out_cock_fighting_is_done_with/
%
If you find gold in Australia where do you look for silver?

Agstralia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1j8vq/if_you_find_gold_in_australia_where_do_you_look/
%
What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1j7ar/what_did_the_cop_say_to_the_salad/
%
The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.
The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist.
The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Thanks for the upvote guys.
Credit:I also want to say that i had originally heard it in a newspaper but as I have discovered from the comments it actually originates during the cold war, so thanks guys. Also it seems that it is also in the form of comic by u/frendlyguy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1j76b/the_ciathe_fbi_and_the_kgb/
%
Why did the NAZI fail drivers ED?

He succeeded on two left turns but failed on the third reich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1j6fw/why_did_the_nazi_fail_drivers_ed/
%
Did you hear about the NAZI who helped the old woman cross the street?

Me neither, theyre all dicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1j5is/did_you_hear_about_the_nazi_who_helped_the_old/
%
What’s the difference between high school and the friend zone?

I have a chance of making it out of high school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1j56s/whats_the_difference_between_high_school_and_the/
%
3 presidents were in hell.

Nelson mandela, JFK and Stalin are all in hell.
Nelson Mandela walks up go the devil and says I want to make a call back home. The devil allows him to use the phone. 5 minutes later he hangs up and the devil gives him the bill, Its $100.
Next comes stalin. He makes the sane request and after 10 minutes he hangs up and is charged $130.
Next JFK asks to make a call. He talks for 3 hours and is only billed $3.
Stalin and Mandela are infuriated. They walk up to the devil and start complaining. "How could his only be $3?" "There must be a mistake" the devil replies "no I assure you there was no mistake. Local calls are always cheaper"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1j1d2/3_presidents_were_in_hell/
%
How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, he holds onto the light bulb and the world revolves around him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1iwbc/how_many_actors_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
An Indian tribe captured three men

The tribe told each of them to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they don’t, they’ll kill them. The first guy comes back with 10 apples, and the tribe members told him to put all of them up his ass without making a sound, or they’ll kill him.  After the second apple he screamed and they shot and killed him.  The second guy comes back with 10 grapes...8...9...still counting up then the guy laughs and the tribe shoots and kills him.  Up in heaven the first guy asks the second guy why he laughed, he had almost made it.  The second guy tells him he saw the third man coming back with fucking pineapples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1iu0n/an_indian_tribe_captured_three_men/
%
That's unfortunate

Man: How much time do I have?
Doc: 10
Man: 10 what?
Doc: 9
Man: F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1itkl/thats_unfortunate/
%
What did Thanos use to clean up the mess he made by disintegrating half of all life?

The vacuum of space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1int8/what_did_thanos_use_to_clean_up_the_mess_he_made/
%
Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"
Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I don’t exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?"
"It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1in3m/walking_through_the_forest_an_atheist_hears_a/
%
Dad jokes and Yo Mama jokes seem like they'd be the same

But the difference is a parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ijpq/dad_jokes_and_yo_mama_jokes_seem_like_theyd_be/
%
A dying Scottish man is meeting his lawyer at a local tavern to talk about his will.

After a few rounds of whiskey, the Scot admits that he doesn't want to leave his hard-earned fortune to his good-for-nothing, lazy son. But he feels like he had no other choice. He has no other family and no friends.
The lawyer says he could write a clause that would force the son to do something before getting his inheritance, like take up a sport, go back to school or get a job.
“Would this really work?” asks the Scot.
“You bet,” replies the lawyer as he downs a shot of whiskey. “It’ll be strong enough to make your heir curl.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1iewn/a_dying_scottish_man_is_meeting_his_lawyer_at_a/
%
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1i8qf/dentist_this_will_hurt_a_little_patient_ok/
%
Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,

"The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells, “Leave us alone you religious nuts!” and speeds past them.
From around the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
One priest turns to the other and says, “Do you think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1i6mw/two_priests_are_standing_by_the_side_of_the_road/
%
My dick is a gentleman

It stands so ladies have a place to sit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1i1np/my_dick_is_a_gentleman/
%
So the judge says: anything you say will be held against you

and the man says “tits”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1hxya/so_the_judge_says_anything_you_say_will_be_held/
%
Why was the musician arrested?

For fingering A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1hvfe/why_was_the_musician_arrested/
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The police just pulled me over

He came to my window and said “Papers?” I said, “ scissors, I win” and drove off. I think he wants a rematch because he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1hqqf/the_police_just_pulled_me_over/
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Did you hear about Lori Laughlin's daughter?

I heard she has the No-Row virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1hoya/did_you_hear_about_lori_laughlins_daughter/
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A man with authority walks into a bar..

He orders everyone a round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ho5u/a_man_with_authority_walks_into_a_bar/
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The butcher

A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.
"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."
"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"
"No. The one next to it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1hnzt/the_butcher/
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I named my eraser confidence.

Because it gets smaller and smaller with every mistake I make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1hnw4/i_named_my_eraser_confidence/
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Oooo, that smell (LONG)

A load of chickens in their pickup bed, Sven and Tina are enjoying a quiet ride to the market when Sven accidentally runs over a skunk.
"Oh Sven, you've gotta stop," Tina says. "That was a momma skunk, and her babies are crying by the roadside."
Sven mumbles under his breath, but smiles and pulls over.
"We can't just leave them here," Tina pleads. "We've got to take them into town or they'll die."
Sven sighs and nods.
"Ok, Tina," he says reluctantly. "But we can't put them in the back. They'll eat the chickens."
The couple look around for a cardboard box to keep the babies safe, but after a couple minutes, Tina throws up her hands and declares the situation hopeless.
"Calm down, Tina," Sven says. "I have an idea. Get in the pickup, and we'll put them under your skirt. It'll be dark and warm, and that should keep them happy until we get there."
Tina replies, "But Sven, what about the smell?!"
"Oh Tina, they're skunks," Sven chides. "I don't think they'll mind."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1hn9x/oooo_that_smell_long/
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How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1hn4l/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
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When you're on a date, how do you politely tell a lady that you need to go to the bathroom?

"Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1hmz4/when_youre_on_a_date_how_do_you_politely_tell_a/
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Two Alabamans decide to end their romantic relationship. One says to the other,

"Let's just be siblings."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1hkgx/two_alabamans_decide_to_end_their_romantic/
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People who take phone calls while dropping a deuce...

...Are real shit-talkers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1hdky/people_who_take_phone_calls_while_dropping_a_deuce/
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Why was the Stormtrooper so sad when his Jedi friend left?

He always misses him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1h3tf/why_was_the_stormtrooper_so_sad_when_his_jedi/
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I have lots of jokes about unemployed people

Sadly none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1h3pk/i_have_lots_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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All of my classes make me numb...

But math class makes me number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1h1z7/all_of_my_classes_make_me_numb/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1gzn2/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
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A husband and wife been arguing all day:

They pass a herd of jackasses. He says: Relatives of yours?
She says: Yep, in-laws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1gswq/a_husband_and_wife_been_arguing_all_day/
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How do southern Chinese people say hi?

Ni-Howdy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1go6l/how_do_southern_chinese_people_say_hi/
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Sheep Shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and research.
This assistant is a bit of a git and decides he'll play a prank on the old man, and suggests he research 'sheep shagging'.
The professor thinks this is a great idea and heads off to Wales to begin his research.He heads out to the countryside and finds a farmer to quiz about his unnatural habits. The professor greets him and asks if he's got time to answer a couple of quick questions.
"No problem boyo" says the farmer, "go right ahead.
"Well," said the professor, "what I'd like to know first is, do you own any sheep here?"
"Of course boyo, biggest farm for miles round here I have. We've got loads of 'em"
"Great, now the next question is a bit personal - do you use your sheep for sex?"
"Ohh, too right boyo. There's three or four out there who are my particular favourites."
"So, how exactly do you... do it?"
"Well, normally I take them down to the river, I slap their back feet in my wellies, the sheep pushes back from the water, bloody heaven boyo."
The professor thanks him and heads for the airport. Having heard about the Kiwis, he heads out to New Zealand with exactly the same plan. He finds a farm, talks to the farmer and gets the same responses.
"Round up the sheep, head 'em up towards a cliff and off you go. Back feet in my boots, sheep pushing back from the cliff, bloody marvelous mate."
Again, the professor thanks him and decides that his research needs only one more addition. So he jets off to the world centre of sheep shagging, Australia. Once in Australia, he drives out to the bush, finds the biggest farm he can and knocks on the farmhouse door. He repeats his questions to the farmer. "Too right mate. Usually I stick their back legs in me wellies, front legs over me shoulders and away we go!"
"So the sheep faces you? That's strange - I've been talking to people around the world about this, and they all do it with the sheep facing away from them."
The Aussie is shocked. For a few seconds he can't speak, then he manages to stutter, "What? No kissing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1glkg/sheep_shagging/
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Today just shocked my whole life

First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1gjix/today_just_shocked_my_whole_life/
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A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by...

A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by. The sphinx said to the man "you may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered "imagination".
"Wrong", said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1gg7f/a_sphinx_was_guarding_a_road_when_a_traveler/
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what does t'chala use as birth control ?

wakondoms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ge02/what_does_tchala_use_as_birth_control/
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Where do you put Giraffes that don't feel good?

Giraffe-Sick Park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1g7s9/where_do_you_put_giraffes_that_dont_feel_good/
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How come you never hear about gay alligators?

They all died of gatorAIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1g4so/how_come_you_never_hear_about_gay_alligators/
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Never multiply shit with its complex conjugate

cause if you do that's when shit gets real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1g3yp/never_multiply_shit_with_its_complex_conjugate/
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Nike should operate a suicide hotline

And tell every caller to “just do it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1fy8r/nike_should_operate_a_suicide_hotline/
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I dates a jewish girl once

When she asked for my number, I said "We have names".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1fvu1/i_dates_a_jewish_girl_once/
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There was an old scientist who invented an anti-Alzheimer’s vaccine.

Unfortunately, he forgot the formula.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1fvsa/there_was_an_old_scientist_who_invented_an/
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A hippy finds a magic lamp.

He rubs it and a genie comes out and asks "What is your wish?"  The hippy says "Man, I just want to be up tight, out of sight, and in the groove." So the genie turns him into a tampon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1fshr/a_hippy_finds_a_magic_lamp/
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What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1fq6j/what_do_chess_and_eating_at_a_restaurant_in/
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A woman walks into a bar

She sits down at the bar and orders a drink. A man who is nearby, and has obviously been there all day leans over to her and asks "Excuse me, can I smell your pussy?"  Shocked, she replies "No!"  He says "Oh, it must be your feet then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1fowy/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three men go to hell

and the Devil offers them all a second chance on earth as long as they can out smart him. The first man steps up and says "I'm gonna melt this block of cheese and I bet you can't put it back together." The man melts the cheese and the Devil puts his hands over it, turning it back into a block. He turns to the man and sets him on fire "you're going to burn in hell for all eternity."
The second man steps up with confidence and says "I'm gonna throw this football as far as I possibly can and I bet you couldn't catch it." The man throws the ball as hard as he can and the Devil teleports over to catch it. He turns to the man and sets him on fire "now you're gonna burn in hell for all eternity."
The last man steps up giggling and says you're never gonna get mines. He pulls out a sheet of glass with holes in it and says "I'm gonna fart through one of these holes and you have to guess which one it went through". The man let's out loud fart then holds up the glass. The Devil points to one of the holes "Was it this one?" The man says "No". The Devil points to another hole "How about this one?" The man shakes his head again "No". Frustrated the Devil looks at him and says "Then which one was it?" The guy turns around and bends over and says "My booty hole!" The Devil kicked him back to Earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1fmy9/three_men_go_to_hell/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Sherlock woke up Watson and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
And Holmes said, "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson answered: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely that a few of those have planets like earth. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, that means there might also be life."
And Holmes answered: "Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1fk5p/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_were_going_camping/
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Why wasn’t Jesus born in America?

Because they couldn’t find a virgin and 3 wise men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1fipl/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_america/
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Came in touch with my inner self today.

.. I should really buy better toiletpaper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1fgwq/came_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
%
Why do the French eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1fe6b/why_do_the_french_eat_snails/
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What's the differnce between donuts and dead kids?

A swat team doesn't break down my door over donuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1fdw3/whats_the_differnce_between_donuts_and_dead_kids/
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Celebrate the Ides of March with a donut. In fact...

Eat two, Brute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1f6fx/celebrate_the_ides_of_march_with_a_donut_in_fact/
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*Nsfw* Went to school with a kid who had no eyelids.

They used his foreskin to make eyelids.
He could see fine, he was just a little cockeyed.
^I'll ^see ^myself ^out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1f246/nsfw_went_to_school_with_a_kid_who_had_no_eyelids/
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I'll never hire a dyslexic prostitute again!

There was no sex but I did get my socks cooked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ezhm/ill_never_hire_a_dyslexic_prostitute_again/
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A 90 year-old man marries a beautiful 25 year-old woman...

They go on their honeymoon to beautiful, picturesque Venice, Italy.  After a day of sightseeing, they return to their hotel.  He turns to his young bride and says "Honey, I'm tired after all this excitement.  I'm going to go to bed.  See you in the morning."  She say ok, and off he goes to bed, while she stays in the living room of their honeymoon suite.
11pm that night, he comes into the living room and begins to make passionate love to his new wife.  Once they finish up, he once again excuses himself and goes back to bed.  The young woman is so exhausted, that she falls asleep right there on the couch.
1am that same night, he comes into the living room again, wakes her up again, and they once again make passionate, incredible, mind-blowing love.  She's amazed at his stamina and performance, especially for a man as old as he is!  This time was better than the last, too!  Once again, they finish up and he goes off to bed.  She, same as before, passes out on the couch with a smile from ear to ear.
3am that same night, he once AGAIN comes into the living room and wakes her, ready to kick off round three.  This time, she stops her stallion of a husband and asks him, "Dear, how do you do it?!  How can you come in here two times already tonight and be ready for a third go?!"
He looks at her with a twinkle in his eye and says... "I was here twice already?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ewpq/a_90_yearold_man_marries_a_beautiful_25_yearold/
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An r/Jokes subscriber was fencing...

His opponent was confused because he was fully on the offensive and made not even one defensive move.
After the game, the opponent asked him about his unorthodox technique.
He replied, "Oh yeah, I only know how to riposte."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ewf2/an_rjokes_subscriber_was_fencing/
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PETA has done an incredible job in preserving marine life

They saved millions of fish from drowning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1eu9x/peta_has_done_an_incredible_job_in_preserving/
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Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?

He's fucking bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1es2j/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_a_fruit_fetish/
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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1epmq/as_a_wizard_i_enjoy_turning_objects_into_glass/
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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with dysentery?

One shucks between fits....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1eiv3/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
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I had a friend who was bored out of his mind at work.

No ones really quite sure how the freak drill-press accident happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1eig9/i_had_a_friend_who_was_bored_out_of_his_mind_at/
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Why are lots of people mean?

Because it’s the average thing to do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ehyt/why_are_lots_of_people_mean/
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When I was a kid, I used to blow bubbles all the time.

But I just heard he's been released from prison and has been asking around for me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1edgt/when_i_was_a_kid_i_used_to_blow_bubbles_all_the/
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Young King Arthur

was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would   perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an   impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first .
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was,   the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened .
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch ? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT.....make YOUR choice before   you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now...what is the moral to this story?
<Scroll Down>
The moral is:
If   you don't let a woman have her own way,
things are going to get ugly...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ecdu/young_king_arthur/
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Why can't you play hide and seek in a Chinese restaurant?

Because of the Peking duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ea4l/why_cant_you_play_hide_and_seek_in_a_chinese/
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Yesterday was my Irish Uncle second anniversary being sober.

Yeah he's been in a coma for 2 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1e8z3/yesterday_was_my_irish_uncle_second_anniversary/
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Don't Stop

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”
“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.”
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”
“Once,” he replied.
Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted.
“And what did she say to you this morning?”
“Don’t stop.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1e60d/dont_stop/
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I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1e5aw/i_wanted_to_join_the_trashbag_movement_and_pick/
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When we were children, we used to refer to our Grandad as Spiderman.

He didn't have any special powers, he just couldn't get out of the bath without any assistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1e3w0/when_we_were_children_we_used_to_refer_to_our/
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Pickup line for male hamsters to females

Are you from Amsterdam? Cause hamster , damn !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1dz33/pickup_line_for_male_hamsters_to_females/
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I’m never again donating a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon.

They just take the money and run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1dykv/im_never_again_donating_a_dime_to_any_charity/
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I used to can beans for a living,

In Heinz sight it wasn't a bad job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1dy2q/i_used_to_can_beans_for_a_living/
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What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon?

A pheasant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1dww0/what_did_the_rich_pigeon_call_the_poor_pigeon/
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Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on its own?

It is two tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1dtqq/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
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I bet the butcher £100 he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf

He said “No chance the stakes are way too high”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ds17/i_bet_the_butcher_100_he_couldnt_reach_the_meat/
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My gardener doesn’t work

Instead of blowing the leaves, she blows my husband

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1dpzp/my_gardener_doesnt_work/
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So my best friend tells me he wants to become a woman, but he doesn't want to pay for surgery

He asked for my help in pulling it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1dmtr/so_my_best_friend_tells_me_he_wants_to_become_a/
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What do you call a book club that'd been stuck on the same book for years?

A church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1dkur/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thatd_been_stuck_on/
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I'd never let my children watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins.
*Edit: Due to some people's annoyance I have changed the joke to:*
**I'd never let my children see musical performances.**
There's too much sax and violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1diw7/id_never_let_my_children_watch_the_orchestra/
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Man: Doctor, is it serious?!

Doctor: Oh my God, stop the autopsy!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1dhvq/man_doctor_is_it_serious/
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One night last year I was about to propose to my roommate

One night last year I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1dfqr/one_night_last_year_i_was_about_to_propose_to_my/
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My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1delo/my_wife_sued_for_divorce_because_she_said_i/
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How to fall down stairs:

Step 1
Step 2
Step 4
Step 14

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ddsr/how_to_fall_down_stairs/
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A gamer dies and goes to hell...

After one week, the devil goes to God:
\- God?! What crazy person have you send me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, running like crazy everywhere and yelling: "Where is the exit to LEVEL 2!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1dcgp/a_gamer_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today...

The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1dc7w/i_got_caught_peeing_in_the_swimming_pool_today/
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Fly

A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly, dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.
A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.
A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for it to go for the fish to shoot it.
A mouse sees the cheese sandwich and decides to wait for the hunter to shoot so that the sandwich will fall and he can get it.
A cat sees the mouse and decides to wait for it to go for the sandwich to jump and catch it.
So, the fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes for it, the hunter shoots, the sandwich falls, the mouse goes for it, and the cat jumps, but he misses and goes into the water.
The moral of the story: when the fly drops five inches, the pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1d7nt/fly/
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What do you get charged with if you kill a vegetarian?

Coleslaughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1d7a5/what_do_you_get_charged_with_if_you_kill_a/
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What did the farmer say when I dug a perfect 6×8×10 foot pit to bury his dead donkey?

"Wow.  What an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1d5re/what_did_the_farmer_say_when_i_dug_a_perfect_6810/
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Never stand behind Satan at the post office

For the devil takes many forms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1d4c3/never_stand_behind_satan_at_the_post_office/
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A police officer caught a man in possession of drugs.

The man, named Steve, claimed to be innocent.
Steve: "I have never bought cocaine in my life, they just appear in my pockets at random."
The police officer is suspicious and tells Steve to prove it.
Steve leads the officer to a public bathroom and then proceeds to flush the crack down the toilet.
.........................................
After a couple of minutes, the officer asks when the cocaine will show up again.
Steve: "What cocaine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1d3kp/a_police_officer_caught_a_man_in_possession_of/
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Three guys die...

and Saint Peter stops them at the Golden Gates. He tells them, "Depending how faithful you were to your wife, depends what kind of car you drive across the Golden Bridge to heaven."
First guy says, "I was married 10 years and only cheated three times."
Saint Peter says, "That's ok I suppose, here take this older model pick-up truck."
Second guy says, "I was married 15 years and only cheated once!"
Saint Peter says, "Pretty great, here take this sports car."
Third guy says, "I was married 40 years and never cheated on my wife."
Saint Peter says, "Wow that's the best I've ever heard! Here, take this Golden Edition Rolls-Royce."
The three guys start across the bridge and the Rolls takes off and leaves them. About half way across, the other two guys find the Rolls pulled over with his head on the steering wheel. They stop and walk over.
First guy says, "Come on man, being dead isn't so bad."
Second guy says, "Yeah, look what you're driving, and look what we're driving."
Third guy says, "No guys, you don't get it, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1d3jm/three_guys_die/
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Why did the chicken go to the gym

He believed in survival of the fittest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1d2gy/why_did_the_chicken_go_to_the_gym/
%
I told my wife that she had drawn her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1d1ej/i_told_my_wife_that_she_had_drawn_her_eyebrows/
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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist...

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time my wife was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
I stopped abruptly and rolled over to my side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping?" she whispered.
I whispered back, "I found the remote."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1czrv/i_started_by_running_my_hand_across_her_shoulders/
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I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.

Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.
I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ctq3/i_have_been_diagnosed_with_did_or_multiple/
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There's a guy who wrote a book about a pencil.

There's no point to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ctkp/theres_a_guy_who_wrote_a_book_about_a_pencil/
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home invader

A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint.
The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now.
You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys.
You can even shoot me but you have to let her go right now." The gunman says,
"You must really love your wife."
"Yes and she will be home in 20 minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1cqfx/home_invader/
%
What do you call two recently married spiders?

Newlywebs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1cnu4/what_do_you_call_two_recently_married_spiders/
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What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?

Uncertaintea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1clo9/what_do_you_call_an_overly_cautious_cup_of_tea/
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Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bartender. Then I will return to stay here forever."
The devil says "Okay, but I will change your body for the time you are there. Nobody would know or believe you are actually Donald Trump".
"That's even better!" says the president. And the next moment POOF! He appears next to a bar. He walks in, orders a mug of beer and starts talking to the bartender:
"I have been in a coma for quite a long time. I don't know what's going on in the world. How is our country doing?"
"Can't be better!" says the bartender happily. "We are the mightiest nation in the world, we no longer have ANY external threats! All political issues have been resolved! Every country is either our loyal ally or is completely controlled by our government!"
"Wait a second" - Trump can't believe his ears - "What about Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan?"
-Everything is ours now! We have conquered them!
-Then what about Ukraine?
-It's also controlled by our government now!
-I can't believe this! What about Mexico? China? Turkey?
The bartender takes a globe from under the desk, spins it around and  says proudly: "The whole world belongs to us. I mean it! Every single country!"
Donald Trump is completely shocked. He says in amazement:
"I am speechless. I didn't ever think it was possible by any means. Thank you very much. Anyways, I got to go now. How much for the beer?"
"350₽, comrade!"
UPD: Yes, I get it, you thought the title was actual news. Please stop, other people DID make these comments before you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1chu8/donald_trump_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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I'M A STARK!

Exclaimed the Italian stuck in traffic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1cenv/im_a_stark/
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What do you call a bulls wife?

His significant udder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1cdq3/what_do_you_call_a_bulls_wife/
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A squad of British soldiers is stuck on top of a house surrounded by Taliban.

(This does not belong to me, rather it is an excerpt from "The Junior Officers' Reading Club" by Patrick Hennessey)
Now I had it. Was in the middle of it and all I could see was Sherlock standing over me as time slowed with a deafening surprise of his latest burst in a picture of breaking nightmare, no helmet, no body armour, standing upright on a roof silhouetted against the lum, still, popping up with his rifle jammed into his hip with one hand loosing huge bursts of automatic whilst lighting a fag with the other.
"FUCKING HELL SHERLOCK!?"
He looked down at me apologetically and dropped to the floor as if just realising his slackness and then... Fished out another fag
"Oh... Sorry, Sir. I should've offered..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1caej/a_squad_of_british_soldiers_is_stuck_on_top_of_a/
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I have a lot of good jokes about unemployed people...

...But none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1c4mh/i_have_a_lot_of_good_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1bs88/what_do_you_call_a_pig_that_does_karate/
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After months of hard work and dedication, I finally have a body I am proud of!

It was worth the weight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1bpss/after_months_of_hard_work_and_dedication_i/
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What do you call a book club thats been stuck on one book for years?

The church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1bp1h/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven.

As they are approaching the gates of heaven they notice there are ducks that cover almost every inch of heaven.  They ask St. Peter about the ducks.
“They are very sacred creatures and if you step on 1 you will be handcuffed to an ugly person for the rest of eternity”
So naturally after the women enter heaven they are very carful not to step on any ducks.
After a few days the the 1st women eventually stepped on a duck, very quickly St. Peter came over with a man with a hunch back, a crooked smile and uneven eyes and handcuffed him to her for all eternity.
After several weeks in heaven the 2nd women’s finally steps on a duck, and once again, very quickly, St. Peter come over with a man who has very uneven facial hair, and covered in warts, and she was handcuffed to him for the rest of eternity.
A few months go by and the 3rd women has not stepped on a single duck, and she’s very proud of herself. 1 day she’s minding her own business and St. Peter come overs with the most beautiful man she has ever seen along with a pair of handcuffs. He has big muscles, wonderful jaw line, piercing blue eyes, and she then turns to St. Peter.
“Oh goodness! Thank you so much! What ever did I do to deserve this!”
And St. Peter sighs.
“He stepped on a duck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1bo7l/3_women_are_in_a_horrible_car_crash_and_go_to/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1bo43/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
Beethoven isn't dead.

He's just decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1bl3f/beethoven_isnt_dead/
%
Appreciated

This joke is under “appreciated”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1bjio/appreciated/
%
You guys wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

That's the spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1bilk/you_guys_wanna_hear_a_joke_about_ghosts/
%
My leaf blower doesn’t work

It just sucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1bbcf/my_leaf_blower_doesnt_work/
%
What kind of snake is 3.14 m long?

A pi-thon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1b2uj/what_kind_of_snake_is_314_m_long/
%
What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1b269/whats_the_best_part_about_fingering_a_gypsy_on/
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“How many digits of pi do you know?” - “All of them...

I just always forget the order!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1b0ea/how_many_digits_of_pi_do_you_know_all_of_them/
%
The other day, I was questioning the state of my sanity...

... but the unicorn and the gummy bear told me I was okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ar64/the_other_day_i_was_questioning_the_state_of_my/
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A man goes for confession ...

The priest says “Tell me son why are you here”
“Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death.” the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , “Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession? “
“Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic.” the man replied.
“This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way” the priest replied.
The man replied , “ Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ? “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1aq2d/a_man_goes_for_confession/
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What do you call a fat knight of the round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1apwx/what_do_you_call_a_fat_knight_of_the_round_table/
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St. Paddy's day.

Paddy's wife had watched a cooking show on the telly and was dying to try out the recipe, so she sent him out to Sean's market to buy escargot and told him not to stop by the pub on the way home.
Well, Paddy being Paddy, he decided to pop in for a pint anyways.  A quick pint became several. He staggered toward the house, knowing he would surely get an earful. As he opened the gate the porch light came on and he heard the door begin to open.  Thinking fast, he emptied the bag of escargot on the ground and said in a  loud voice "Come on now wee lads! We're almost there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1am83/st_paddys_day/
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he never lands!
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ah7u/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
How do you make a blond laugh on monday?

Tell her a joke on tuesday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1afh5/how_do_you_make_a_blond_laugh_on_monday/
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I don’t know why all these countries are ordering to ground the Boeing 737 max

They literally ground themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1acy1/i_dont_know_why_all_these_countries_are_ordering/
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A student asked a teacher, "What does a pH greater than 7 mean?"

The teacher replied, "It's basic chemistry "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1ac3t/a_student_asked_a_teacher_what_does_a_ph_greater/
%
What is the perfect type of music to listen to while fishing?

Something catchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1a955/what_is_the_perfect_type_of_music_to_listen_to/
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Today my 10 year old daughter referred to the pile of dirty laundry that my wife is doing as.

Mount Wash More.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1a8pu/today_my_10_year_old_daughter_referred_to_the/
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How did all the numbers above 2 die?

They over-dos'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1a6yx/how_did_all_the_numbers_above_2_die/
%
I wanted to move to Russia

But I looked around online & saw that they raised some big red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1a6uu/i_wanted_to_move_to_russia/
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I like my bears like I like my molecules

Polar and non attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1a640/i_like_my_bears_like_i_like_my_molecules/
%
A blonde woman boards a plane to Las Vegas

She takes a seat in first class. The flight attendant walks over and politely informs the lady that her seat is in the economy class, and that she has to move back there.
To the fight attendant’s dismay, the lady refuses. She says,“I’m going to Las Vegas, and I’m sitting here for the flight.” After awhile of the flight attendant asking her to move back, the captain of the plane pulls the fight attendant aside.“Here, let me handle this.”
The captain goes up and whispers something in the lady’s ear. She gasps, and heads to the back of the plane.
Astonished the fight attendant asks the captain how he did it. He replies “I just told her that first class wasn’t going to Las Vegas.”
(Sorry if it’s really corny, I’m trying!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1a45o/a_blonde_woman_boards_a_plane_to_las_vegas/
%
Amusingly, the flow of excrement in the sewer system is well-regulated.

And thanks to modern architectural decor, it’s all in all a pretty solid waste system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1a34w/amusingly_the_flow_of_excrement_in_the_sewer/
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A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.
“Good”, she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”
After a moment of silence.....he farted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1a28f/a_man_and_a_woman_who_had_never_met_find/
%
They say that one tree can make a million matches.

I wonder if this is true. Since I disguised myself as a tree on Tinder, I don't make any matches at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b19zvz/they_say_that_one_tree_can_make_a_million_matches/
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There’s only one type of dog who can do magic tricks....

A labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b19zj9/theres_only_one_type_of_dog_who_can_do_magic/
%
Girl, I want to wear you like a pair of sunglasses...

One leg over each ear...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b19tr4/girl_i_want_to_wear_you_like_a_pair_of_sunglasses/
%
What’s a cop’s favorite place to eat?

Arrestaurant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b19lcj/whats_a_cops_favorite_place_to_eat/
%
A married couple goes to dinner

at a fancy restaurant and are soon escorted to a table for two.
The waiter runs through the specials and then proceeds to take their orders
Waiter: May I take your order ma'am?
Wife: Yes I'll have the chicken please.
Waiter: Fine choice and is there anyway you'd like to have it prepared?
Wife: Yes I'd like to have it prepared like my husband prepares for sex.
Waiter: Quick and sloppy it is, and what would you like to order sir?
Husband: I'll have the steak please.
Waiter: Fine choice as well and how would you like the steak cooked?
Husband: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter:....Rare it is then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b19ivm/a_married_couple_goes_to_dinner/
%
If you get turned on by dirty talk...

Does that mean your genitals are voice activated?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b19hxb/if_you_get_turned_on_by_dirty_talk/
%
"My sex robot broke up with me."

"Don't worry man, there's plenty more plastic in the sea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b19f7s/my_sex_robot_broke_up_with_me/
%
I am putting my grades up for adoption.

I can't raise them by myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b19ei9/i_am_putting_my_grades_up_for_adoption/
%
Want to know how I got out of Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b19e1u/want_to_know_how_i_got_out_of_iraq/
%
A man named Tucker, dies and goes to hell

There, a demon takes Tucker to a hallway with three doors. The demon says (in a deep demonic voice) “You must choose one room, where you will spend the next thousand years!”
The demon opens the first door. Inside there is a man in a pit of fire, screaming in agony. Tucker says “Nooo no no! Definitely not that one!”
The demon opens the second door. There is another man, cut to hell, bleeding and screaming in pain. Every inch of the room is covered with broken glass and razor blades. “Nooo way! Not this room!” Says Tucker.
The demon opens the third and final door. There, Tucker sees a guy sitting naked on a lazyboy, drinking beer and getting a bj from a beautiful woman. Tucker says “Whoa! Here here! This room! I choose this room!”
“Are you sure, human?!”  The demon growls. “Yes!” Says Tucker.
The demon walks inside the room. Taps on the woman’s shoulder and says “Okay! Your thousand years are up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b19bfl/a_man_named_tucker_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
I've always wanted a black girlfriend

That way, when we 69 I can call it "yin-yanging".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b19asm/ive_always_wanted_a_black_girlfriend/
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I have an appointment with a premature ejaculation support group tomorrow. I wasn't sure what I should wear.

They said just come in your pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b19ar2/i_have_an_appointment_with_a_premature/
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Four nuns die in a car crash and arrive in heaven

St. Peter tells them in order to enter the kingdom of heaven they each must confess their sins.
The first sister steps forward and says, "St Peter I tried to live a righteous life, but one time I saw a penis."  St Peter says, "okay my child, go to the holy fountain and wash your eyes and you may enter the kingdom of heaven."
The next sister steps forward and says, "St Peter I tried to live a righteous life, but one time I touched a penis."  St Peter says, "okay my child, go to the holy fountain and wash your hands and you may enter the kingdom of heaven."
The third sister goes to step forward, and the fourth pushes her out of the way and says, "St Peter, can I go wash my mouth out before she dunks her asshole in there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b198oo/four_nuns_die_in_a_car_crash_and_arrive_in_heaven/
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Dirty dead baby jokes?

My dad told me some pretty bad ones, so I guess let's collectively get them out there
Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Cadillac?
A: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?
A: I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b197sf/dirty_dead_baby_jokes/
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Time flies like an arrow

fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b194wz/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
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Timbuktu

My dad was a mechanic, old school, he had a lot of jokes he told me. I've told some in comments but I guess a new post might be pertinent.
Here is one:
> The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
> The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”
> The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
> “'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”
> The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
> “Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1945k/timbuktu/
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Captain Marvel wasn’t the first standalone female superhero...

Iron man was, because he’s “Fe-Male”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1937d/captain_marvel_wasnt_the_first_standalone_female/
%
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

You’d think it’s the “R,” but it’s really the “C”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b191oj/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b190sq/a_woman_brought_a_very_limp_duck_into_a/
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I don’t get why people celebrate Pi day

It’s irrational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18rgk/i_dont_get_why_people_celebrate_pi_day/
%
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18rb4/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
%
Did you hear about the blind carpenter who was magically healed?

He picked up his hammer and saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18r27/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_carpenter_who_was/
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Why did the old man fall in a well?

He couldn’t see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18oe0/why_did_the_old_man_fall_in_a_well/
%
Just got my braces off and now my mouth looks like a klan rally!

White and straight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18mvc/just_got_my_braces_off_and_now_my_mouth_looks/
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Broccoli is like anal.

If they force you while you're a kid, you won't like it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18mrb/broccoli_is_like_anal/
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I went in to get a brain transplant..

..thankfully the surgeon managed to change my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18kzn/i_went_in_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
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A man dies and goes to hell.

Once in hell hes greeted by the devil. "While in hell you can choose one of three rooms to be tortured in for all of eternity. You may only choose once." They go to the first room and theres a group of people standing on their heads on a hard wooden floor being whipped by demons. They go to the second room and theres a group of people standing on their heads on a cold concrete floor being whipped by demons. The third room they come to has a group of people standing waist deep in shit, drinking coffee. After a few minutes the man decides on the third room. Once he gets there the devil comes in with a whip and says "alright coffee breaks over, back on your heads."
I dont know if this was posted before, but a friend told it to me years ago :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18ki6/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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If you get attacked by a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18k1z/if_you_get_attacked_by_a_group_of_clowns/
%
Stop making ac jokes.

I'm not a fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18idz/stop_making_ac_jokes/
%
My girlfriend's birthday is the same day as my grandpa's. So now i don't know to which party I should go.

On the one hand, it is the person to whom I lost my virginity. But, on the other, I believe I should also go to my girlfriend's birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18fva/my_girlfriends_birthday_is_the_same_day_as_my/
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Have you heard about the chocolate box thief?

He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18etz/have_you_heard_about_the_chocolate_box_thief/
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I was going to bake a pie in honor of today.

But it would be irrational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18d5u/i_was_going_to_bake_a_pie_in_honor_of_today/
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3 Native Americans Americans are living in the wilderness together.

One of them is extremely smart, one is average, and one is extremely stupid. One day, it is the extremely smart one’s turn to catch and cook dinner. He goes out and comes back with a bear. The other two are astounded and ask, “How did you catch this bear?” The extremely smart one replies, “I see tracks, I follow tracks. I see bear, I shoot bear.”
The next day, it is the average one’s turn to hunt and cook dinner. He goes out and returns with a deer. The extremely stupid one is amazed to see the catch and asks, “How did you catch this deer?” The average one replies, “I see tracks, I follow tracks. I see deer, I shoot deer.”
The following day, the extremely stupid one goes out to hunt and comes back half dead. The other two ask, “How did you mess up so badly? Didn’t you follow our instructions?” To which the stupid one replies, “I did! I see tracks, I follow tracks. I see train, I shoot train but train doesn’t stop!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18alq/3_native_americans_americans_are_living_in_the/
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I'm boycotting apple products.

Because they're taking away work from all those doctors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b189t2/im_boycotting_apple_products/
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You know how I know Al Gore invented the Internet?

The whole thing runs on algorithms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18970/you_know_how_i_know_al_gore_invented_the_internet/
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A handsome priest and a young nun are traveling when their car breaks down...

And they are forced to spend the night in a motel - with only one room left.
The priest, being a gentleman, said, "Due to the circumstances, let's just share the room. I'll sleep on the floor, you can have the bed. I'm sure God will understand".
The nun agrees and they turn off the lights to sleep.
Halfway through the night, the nun who has always had the hots for the priests gets frisky and suddenly has an idea.
"Father, it's very cold. Could you help me...? I'm sure God will understand..."
Hearing this, the priest gets up from the floor, gets a blanket and gives it to her.
Irritated but determined to succeed, she tries again after a few minutes.
"Father, I'm still cold! Could you *please* help me...? I'm sure God will understand..."
So the priest gets up, gets a blanket and gives it to her and lies down again on the floor.
By now the nun is mad enough that she throws caution to the wind. She sits up in bed and puts on a seductive pose, before saying:
"Father! It's still cold, and no amount of blankets will help! Just for tonight, why don't you treat me as if I were your wife...? I'm sure God will understand..."
The priest slowly sits up from where he lies, breathing deeply as he considers this heavy decision.
"Treat you like a husband would his wife, you say...?"
The nun slowly nods and winks.
Then he makes up his mind and says:
"ALRIGHT! GO AND GET YOUR OWN BLANKET! I'M GOING TO SLEEP!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b188e1/a_handsome_priest_and_a_young_nun_are_traveling/
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The coffin of a parking officer was being lowered into the ground

All of a sudden a voice from inside the coffin screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b18876/the_coffin_of_a_parking_officer_was_being_lowered/
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Here’s a joke

I asked a cute Jewish girl for her number. Her response: “we have names now”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b181r4/heres_a_joke/
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Not to brag, but I have a psychic ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say....It’s a gift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b17x66/not_to_brag_but_i_have_a_psychic_ability_of/
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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b17wx0/what_did_the_buddhist_say_to_the_hot_dog_vendor/
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How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b17wmo/how_many_dd_players_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Three restaurant owners were arguing about their food

The first one said, "My spicy sauce is super hot! I put a bottle of pepper spray in every batch, and after just one spoon, people can't take anymore and shout for water."
The second one replied, "My spicy sauce is even hotter! I put three bottles of pepper spray in every batch, and the smell alone is enough to burn your face!"
The third one grinned. "That's nothing. My spicy sauce is so hot, that we pour it into aerosol cans and sell it as pepper spray!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b17w8x/three_restaurant_owners_were_arguing_about_their/
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A π thon
Happy pi day. #dadjokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b17w3d/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_is_exactly_314/
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A 80 year old man walks in on his 80 year old wife doing a naked handstand

He asks, “What are you doing?”
She says, “I know you can’t get it up but maybe you can drop it in”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b17jdp/a_80_year_old_man_walks_in_on_his_80_year_old/
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I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.

Sadly, no pun in 10 did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b179hb/i_told_my_friend_10_jokes_to_get_him_to_laugh/
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What’s similar between a girlfriend and drugs?

I don’t have either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1757h/whats_similar_between_a_girlfriend_and_drugs/
%
Why shouldn't you iron a shamrock?

Because you don't want to press your luck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b173n3/why_shouldnt_you_iron_a_shamrock/
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I went to a halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered

The chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b172vn/i_went_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_as_a_chicken/
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Why do they have the A/C on so cold in hospitals?

To keep the vegetables nice and cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b171nw/why_do_they_have_the_ac_on_so_cold_in_hospitals/
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I hated my trip to China

Left my review on their flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b16zp2/i_hated_my_trip_to_china/
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Stop saying sorry and start thanking, e.g. instead of "sorry I'm late" say "thanks for waiting"

So I said "Thank you for your loss."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b16yj2/stop_saying_sorry_and_start_thanking_eg_instead/
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Dark humor is like a child with cancer

It doesn’t get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b16rzi/dark_humor_is_like_a_child_with_cancer/
%
I'm developing an app that lets you customize the look and feel of 4chan when browsing.

It's called 4skin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b16qib/im_developing_an_app_that_lets_you_customize_the/
%
What’s a pirates favorite letter

You would expect it to be R but their true love is the C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b16onr/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
Did you hear about the chameleon who could not change color?

It had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b16oaz/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_who_could_not/
%
When I reach home, my 1.5 year old son rushes out to the gate..

..to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrrrmmm brrrrmmm sound. His cute antics always me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease ...It's called Parking son's disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b16neh/when_i_reach_home_my_15_year_old_son_rushes_out/
%
Why are there so many female Archaeologists??

Cause women love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b16lx2/why_are_there_so_many_female_archaeologists/
%
Did you hear the one about the whistle-blower for the Church of Scientology?

Nobody did. He was swiftly killed and any evidence surrounding his existence was erased from history and censored from the internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b16ldx/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_whistleblower_for/
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I found out Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit.

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b16kv3/i_found_out_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
%
There was a redneckwho hit every black man he saw with his truck.

One day he saw a priest walking down the road and thought, "For all the bad things I done, let me give this priest a ride." So he picked the priest up and they drove along. The redneck saw a black guy down the road and decided he would pretend to fall asleep and so the priest would think it was an accident. The redneck closed his eyes and heard a loud bang. "What happened?" he asked. "You missed him," the priest said, "but I got him with the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b16ja2/there_was_a_redneckwho_hit_every_black_man_he_saw/
%
Two cows stood in a field.

One says: Moo!!
The other says: Bastard, I was about to say that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b16d1f/two_cows_stood_in_a_field/
%
A feminist once asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently, “in HD” was not the right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b16c8q/a_feminist_once_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
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What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection

A quarter pounder with cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b16b91/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_with_a_yeast/
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A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist...

are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b164wy/a_mathematician_a_biologist_and_a_physicist/
%
An airline pilot was talking to his copilot...

... and he did not realize his arm was pressing the intercom button.
"God am I hungover, you know what I could use right now? A coffee and a blowjob."
A flight attendant in the midsection started running to the cockpit to make the pilot aware of his error.
A passenger yells after her, "Hey! Don't forget the coffee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b162w7/an_airline_pilot_was_talking_to_his_copilot/
%
So a blind man walks into a bar...

And then a chair, and then a table...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b15r5x/so_a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do you make a door cry?

Twist its knob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b15p0u/how_do_you_make_a_door_cry/
%
One large woodland creature that can’t feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain.

I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b15lj5/one_large_woodland_creature_that_cant_feel_pain/
%
A woman married four times: to a tycoon, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker.

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b15i17/a_woman_married_four_times_to_a_tycoon_an_actor_a/
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Adele names albums by numbers, relating to important things in her life.

Her next is rumoured to be called 3.14159265359

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b15ed4/adele_names_albums_by_numbers_relating_to/
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Dont challange Death to a pillow fight

...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b159uq/dont_challange_death_to_a_pillow_fight/
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Bank Balance

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b155k7/bank_balance/
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Having a moustache is a total pussy magnet

Turns out magnets repel as well as attract.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b155al/having_a_moustache_is_a_total_pussy_magnet/
%
I know ALL the digits of Pi

Not the order, just the digits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b154ey/i_know_all_the_digits_of_pi/
%
Not every pies in the world is round, sometimes...

πr ²

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1528u/not_every_pies_in_the_world_is_round_sometimes/
%
A cop see's a suspicious teenager driving erratically,and pulls him over

The policeman notices the drivers red eyes, and the smell of cannabis on his breath, so asks him if he's been smoking pot
The teenager says "Yeah, but I've got a prescription for it"
"What's the prescription for? inquires the officer
"Anxiety, but I only get it when a cop pulls me over"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b14qji/a_cop_sees_a_suspicious_teenager_driving/
%
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b14l93/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/
%
I closed Reddit, turned off my phone and stood up.

I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b14jd2/i_closed_reddit_turned_off_my_phone_and_stood_up/
%
On average how many planes crash each year?

Typically in bounces between 7, 3, and 7. But recently it's at Max 8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b14eg4/on_average_how_many_planes_crash_each_year/
%
How many Venezuelans does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn't matter, they have no electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b14e7z/how_many_venezuelans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A man walks in a bakery

in which the baker has only one hand. The customer see the baker rolls out the pizza dough on his chest because he has only one hand. So the surprised customer asks:" Damn, is this the way you make the pizza?", the bakery answers:"Oh man, you didn't see how i make donuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b14dsg/a_man_walks_in_a_bakery/
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A man asks the librarian if they have any books on paranoia

She says, yes they're behind you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b14d3m/a_man_asks_the_librarian_if_they_have_any_books/
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An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me  show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green  trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now,  here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil  says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in  when they come down here!"
They  continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the  devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your  cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries  to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool  cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They  walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping,  squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain,  where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a  bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other.  The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have  their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As  they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other  side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava,  screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with  their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are  spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur  is in the air.
Terrified, the man  stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The  devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why,  but they prefer it that way".
.
.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b14b90/an_atheist_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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You shouldn't make jokes about the Titanic here...

You'll only get downboated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b14b4k/you_shouldnt_make_jokes_about_the_titanic_here/
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What is positive about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b14aix/what_is_positive_about_switzerland/
%
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b145os/a_wife_decides_to_take_her_husband_dave_to_a/
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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1443r/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
%
I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

I shouted, "Fuck, seriously?! I was going to eat that later, but now it will just taste like carrots!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b142mf/i_walked_in_on_my_sister_last_night_masturbating/
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I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith...

As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b141i5/i_adopted_a_dog_that_used_to_be_owned_by_a/
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My friend told me that I don't know what ironic means

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b13ynu/my_friend_told_me_that_i_dont_know_what_ironic/
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What app do you get, when you download instagram a thousand times?

Instakilo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b13yhv/what_app_do_you_get_when_you_download_instagram_a/
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(LONG) A woman marries a sex addict:

A young woman marries a sex addict.
For the first few weeks everything was fine until she found a box under the bed, curious, she asked the man about it, he said" that's my secret and you must not open it", "I understand" she replied.
A few months pass and the womens curiosity gets the best of her and she opens it to find 4 beer cans and a pile of $25 cash.
She later confesses to her husband that she looked in his box and wanted to know why there are cans inside.
He said "I drink 1 can of beer everytime I'm unfaithful". Though upset, she expected this from an addict and told him that it was ok as long as that was all. She then asks "so what's with the $25?". He replies "well the cans really started to pile up so I had to sell them as scrap".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b13y83/long_a_woman_marries_a_sex_addict/
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What does a Hawaiian Muslim who own a buffet say?

Aloha Snackbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b13wno/what_does_a_hawaiian_muslim_who_own_a_buffet_say/
%
My son studies so much

His homework folder is bigger than 4 GB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b13lt0/my_son_studies_so_much/
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You are what you eat...

But I don't remember eating a disappointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b13k4b/you_are_what_you_eat/
%
Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Adolf Hitler are all running a race, who wins?

Hitler, cause he’s the racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b13h1o/martin_luther_king_nelson_mandela_and_adolf/
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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
*Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.*
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
*Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.*
The redneck won hands down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b13gug/the_national_poetry_contest_had_come_down_to_two/
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My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner..

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b13gq5/my_wife_asked_me_if_she_could_have_some_peace_and/
%
Why is Michael Jackson's favorite store Walmart?

Boy's pants are 50% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b13eaq/why_is_michael_jacksons_favorite_store_walmart/
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Why do the Sisters in a convent not trust their gut instincts?

It's usually just nunsense!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b135sn/why_do_the_sisters_in_a_convent_not_trust_their/
%
A friend has a fear of pi.

I keep telling him it's irrational, but he doesn't listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b132wk/a_friend_has_a_fear_of_pi/
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A mathematician walks into a bar

The rest of the joke is trivial and is left to the student as an exercise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b132q8/a_mathematician_walks_into_a_bar/
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My chinese friend's grandfather got hit by a bus.

He was lying in his hospital bed when I came to visit him.
I had only entered the room when he began gasping and wheezing.
Worrying that he may be dying ,I quickly went near him  and asked if he had any last words.
He then spoke in his native language, after a pause, in a very whispery tone and then went to sleep forever.
I didn't know Chinese but I remembered his words.
His family was curious to know his last words so I told them exactly what he said in the same tone.
Out of nowhere my friend's mom began to cry and he suddenly punched me.
I asked him what did I say to provoke him so much.
He then replied what his grandfather had said to me, " Get off my oxygen pipe , you stupid idiot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b12x3h/my_chinese_friends_grandfather_got_hit_by_a_bus/
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What's sick, Irish, and hates Captain Kirk?

A leper Khan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b12usc/whats_sick_irish_and_hates_captain_kirk/
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I don't understand why people are celebrating pi day.

It's irrational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b12rxy/i_dont_understand_why_people_are_celebrating_pi/
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A mathematician , a physicist and an engineer talk about numbers

Mathematician: *π* is the most beautiful number
Physicist: I like *e* most
Engineer: What a coincidence! 3 is my favorite number, too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b12qyb/a_mathematician_a_physicist_and_an_engineer_talk/
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Does your mom count?

Interviewee: Do you have any experience with heavy machinery?
Me: Does your mom count?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b12l4m/does_your_mom_count/
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This whole college bribery scandal pisses me off. When I got into MIT, we didn't have fixers or bribes.

We did it the old fashioned way: cheating and blowjobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b12jds/this_whole_college_bribery_scandal_pisses_me_off/
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They've discovered a new strain of head lice, but they haven't found a cure yet

It's got scientists scratching their heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b12he4/theyve_discovered_a_new_strain_of_head_lice_but/
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I broke up with my girlfriend after she told me she was a communist.

In retrospect, I should have seen all the red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b12ggp/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_after_she_told_me/
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I used to be an avid hunter of wolves, but I had to quit. I got addicted to it...

I was up to two packs a day.
True story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b129tl/i_used_to_be_an_avid_hunter_of_wolves_but_i_had/
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What is louder than the sound of silence?

The Sound of Silence (Remastered)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b11yzg/what_is_louder_than_the_sound_of_silence/
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Welcome to the Pi shop,

open 22/7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b11wi1/welcome_to_the_pi_shop/
%
A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment

An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.
"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were sexually active?"
"1946," says the veteran.
"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"
The veteran shrugs and checks his watch. "Not really. It's only 2135."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b11wds/a_wwii_veteran_goes_to_a_doctors_appointment/
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A girl stole my inhaler

Guess she took my breath away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b11uzd/a_girl_stole_my_inhaler/
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A theif broke into my house. He started searching for money

I woke up and started searching with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b11qlu/a_theif_broke_into_my_house_he_started_searching/
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What do McDonald's and priests have in common?

40 year old meat in 10 year old buns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b11pyw/what_do_mcdonalds_and_priests_have_in_common/
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The punch line comes first

I have an idea for a time travel joke where

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b11lsv/the_punch_line_comes_first/
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Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.

I haven't heard from him since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b11jtm/two_years_ago_my_doctor_told_me_i_was_going_deaf/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school

Everything is fine, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b11giu/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
%
When I asked the police how the hackers got away, they responded...

"I don't know, they ransomware."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b11aw4/when_i_asked_the_police_how_the_hackers_got_away/
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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing

While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1187r/an_american_touring_spain_stopped_at_a_local/
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A man sells a dog.

The buyer asks, “Is he healthy?”
“My dog is very healthy,” the seller answers.
“Is he smart?”
“My dog is very smart.”
“Is he loyal?”
“Yes, my dog is extremely loyal! I’m selling him for the fifth time already.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b11813/a_man_sells_a_dog/
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For sale by owner

:
A complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica, 45 volumes. Pristine condition.
Got married last month, wife knows everything. No longer need them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b116h3/for_sale_by_owner/
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What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?

I guess you had to be there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1139x/what_did_neil_armstrong_say_when_people_didnt/
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Don't masturbate.

It's sackreligious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b11038/dont_masturbate/
%
How do blind men rob eachother?

By accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b10ysx/how_do_blind_men_rob_eachother/
%
I made a joke about Amy Schumer

But she stole it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b10ye2/i_made_a_joke_about_amy_schumer/
%
Today is Pi Day

Thanks, America! Now I know π=14.03

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b10rwk/today_is_pi_day/
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Nerd Joke: What do you get if you cross a robot with a pirate?

Aaaarrrrr2D2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b10pui/nerd_joke_what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_robot/
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r/Jokes founder nominated for the Nobel peace prize

Because they’ve created world’s most dedicated recycling community.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b10lim/rjokes_founder_nominated_for_the_nobel_peace_prize/
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Moo Moo Buckaroo

So a gay guy walks into a burly straight bar in Texas. After convincing the bar tender to allow him to stay, a big Texan walked in and said, "Whew, it's so hot I could suck the sweat off a bull's balls." The gay guy spoke up and said,"Moo moo buck a roo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b10kk0/moo_moo_buckaroo/
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racecar backwards is racecar

Racecar sideways is probably Paul Walker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b10kb1/racecar_backwards_is_racecar/
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Little Johnny was running behind for his weekly trip to the prostitute

When he got there, she said
"Eh Jack! You late!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b10jmt/little_johnny_was_running_behind_for_his_weekly/
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Your duck is dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b10jhu/your_duck_is_dead/
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Genders and the Twin Towers have something in common...

There used to be two of them, and now it’s a sensitive topic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b10ifg/genders_and_the_twin_towers_have_something_in/
%
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b10fp8/have_you_seen_the_new_exorcist_movie/
%
The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.

I just wish it had been mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b10cek/the_first_night_in_prison_and_not_sleeping_next/
%
on the way home, I recently seen my midget-neighbor in the rain at the bus stop.

I immediately said to him: "Come, jump in! I'll give you a lift. "And he just answers," Fuck you and just go away!"
I found it pretty outrageous of him, but since I did not want a fight, I've just closed the backpack and went on...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b10922/on_the_way_home_i_recently_seen_my_midgetneighbor/
%
Two windmills are standing in a field.

One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other one says, "I’m a big metal fan dude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b108p6/two_windmills_are_standing_in_a_field/
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What is the difference between anti-vaxxers and anti-vaxxer jokes?

The jokes are not going to die soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b107sl/what_is_the_difference_between_antivaxxers_and/
%
Set a fire for a man, he'll be warm for a night

Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b1072r/set_a_fire_for_a_man_hell_be_warm_for_a_night/
%
I'm pretty bad at remembering jokes but here goes: Knock Knock

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b106vd/im_pretty_bad_at_remembering_jokes_but_here_goes/
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Kids are mean

Me: Dad, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I'm still a virgin.
Dad:  Well, start giving them bad grades and they'll stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b106dy/kids_are_mean/
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One man to another: "Excuse me, you have a banana in your ear!"

The other says: "I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b105fy/one_man_to_another_excuse_me_you_have_a_banana_in/
%
Why did the grass Cross the road?

To get to the other sod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b104ft/why_did_the_grass_cross_the_road/
%
An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam.

The doctor says that the man needs to provide a semen sample and gives him a jar saying, "Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a semen sample."The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, "Well, doc, it's like this... first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, "You asked your neighbor???"
The old man replies, "Yep, not one of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b100oz/an_85yearold_man_goes_to_see_his_doctor_for_his/
%
Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year

And every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen folks, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars."
Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn't so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!"
Walter replied, "Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0zv24/walter_took_his_wife_ethel_to_the_state_fair/
%
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0zqwi/did_you_hear_about_the_butcher_who_backed_into/
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i shot a hipster in the knee

now he's a hopster.
(Sorry, german Joke.. i tried my best to translate it so it still makes sense)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0zqfm/i_shot_a_hipster_in_the_knee/
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What did they find under Michael Jackson's pillow?

Billy's Jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0znrz/what_did_they_find_under_michael_jacksons_pillow/
%
Obligatory post on 3/14: Why should you never talk to pi?

Because he'll just go on forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0zly0/obligatory_post_on_314_why_should_you_never_talk/
%
The other day, I was on a submarine tour.

I was going to tell a dark joke, but my friend stopped me.
“Why shouldn't I tell my joke?" I asked.
"Err, this isn't the right sub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0zkau/the_other_day_i_was_on_a_submarine_tour/
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What did the little battery yell when it stepped on a lego?

AAA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0zja4/what_did_the_little_battery_yell_when_it_stepped/
%
A staggering drunk knocks over a pregnant lady who is carrying a bag of groceries...

2 eggs and a bottle of ketchup fall and break to the sidewalk. The drunk say "Sorry lady, but it would have died anyway. Its eyes were too far apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0zf40/a_staggering_drunk_knocks_over_a_pregnant_lady/
%
Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.

I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0zdhm/just_got_back_from_a_job_interview_where_i_was/
%
I have daily sex

Dyslexia*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0z9ts/i_have_daily_sex/
%
What does a cactus and the Kardashian family have in common?

They're both full of pricks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0z92l/what_does_a_cactus_and_the_kardashian_family_have/
%
In WWII, what did the German officer say to the clock that ticked?

Ve have vays of making you tock...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0z8b2/in_wwii_what_did_the_german_officer_say_to_the/
%
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if your friends keep calling you fat...”

“You are much bigger than that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0z68g/my_wife_told_me_dont_get_upset_if_your_friends/
%
The blond reared back and clenched his fist

With all his might, he punched the tree, and the force of the impact broke his hand. "Ouch! I thought you said this tree was bouncy!"
His friend face palmed. "No, I said it was a rubber tree."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0z5wc/the_blond_reared_back_and_clenched_his_fist/
%
Did you hear about that celebrity who got caught stealing a whole bunch of cheese?

True story, it was Brie Larson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0z57r/did_you_hear_about_that_celebrity_who_got_caught/
%
What's the difference between a DJ and a gynecologist ?

None : they both work where others have fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0z0mn/whats_the_difference_between_a_dj_and_a/
%
Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0yx5p/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_playground/
%
There are 2 kinds of people in this world...

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data and

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0yvlh/there_are_2_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
%
My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0yvjj/my_wife_and_i_had_a_huge_argument_last_week_she/
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Dad joke: A woman goes to the doctor with...

A carrot in her ear, a mushroom in her nostril and a piece of steak on the other ear.
"I see" says the doctor. "You're not eating right"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0yud2/dad_joke_a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_with/
%
Well the EU servers are full

But they almost have one GB of extra space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ytgc/well_the_eu_servers_are_full/
%
Recently my dreams are noticeably more colourful than usual.

I think it's more than just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ysgt/recently_my_dreams_are_noticeably_more_colourful/
%
Two deer walks out of a gay bar...

One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0yqhc/two_deer_walks_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job?

She couldn't control her pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0yl46/did_you_hear_about_the_crosseyed_teacher_who_lost/
%
My sister asked me to bring something hard to write on...

I don’t know why she got mad. I mean, sand’s pretty hard to write on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0yjex/my_sister_asked_me_to_bring_something_hard_to/
%
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN

You will get them VERY ANGRY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0yi94/if_you_rearrange_all_the_letters_of_postmen/
%
Why did the carpenter have a tampon behind his ear?

To remind them of the cunt that stole their pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0yea8/why_did_the_carpenter_have_a_tampon_behind_his_ear/
%
I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ybou/i_went_to_the_liquor_store_on_my_bicycle_and/
%
Hey, do you know that feeling of touching a girl's boob?

Yeah, neither do I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0y2gi/hey_do_you_know_that_feeling_of_touching_a_girls/
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What do you call an alien with 3 balls?

E.T. the Extra Testicle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0xyny/what_do_you_call_an_alien_with_3_balls/
%
What has 75 balls and screws old women?

Bingo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0xxxy/what_has_75_balls_and_screws_old_women/
%
Did you know, if you lay your head on someone's lap

You can actually hear them saying "what the fuck are you doing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0xtez/did_you_know_if_you_lay_your_head_on_someones_lap/
%
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"

"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes, our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"
The intercom cuts out.
All passengers fall silent.
In a couple of minutes the captain speaks again:
"Dear passengers, this is your captain speaking. Please accept my humble apologies for my inappropriate intercom message. A steward spilled hot coffee all over me. If only you could see what happened to the back side of my shirt..."
One of the passengers gets up from his seat and says loudly:
"If only YOU could see what happened to the back side of my PANTS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0xrs2/ladies_and_gentlemen_this_is_your_captain_speaking/
%
Why did the man cross the road?

Coz he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0xr4h/why_did_the_man_cross_the_road/
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How many Devs does it take to change a light bulb?

Well none, it's a hardware issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0xqqh/how_many_devs_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
I once dropped my laptop into the lake

Now it’s just a dell rolling in the deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0xkrn/i_once_dropped_my_laptop_into_the_lake/
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away

But if the doctor's cute, forget the fruit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0xkm2/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away/
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Bob is walking down the street when he says his old friend John passing in a brand new Rolls Royce

On seeing his old friend, John pulls over to say hello.
Bob sees the Rolls Royce and exclaims," Wow, how did you get the great car?"
John says," So I was going out for a walk on a sunny afternoon when a beautiful woman pulled over in this Rolls Royce and asked if I wanted a lift, so I got in.
She drove for a while before she asked me to kiss her, so I did.
We drove for a bit more, then suddenly she pulled over, went to the back seat, took off all her clothes except for her silk knickers
She said," Take anything you want from me"
I knew the knickers would never fit me, so I took the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0xjtv/bob_is_walking_down_the_street_when_he_says_his/
%
How does a Welsh man find a sheep in long grass?

Irresistible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0xj4m/how_does_a_welsh_man_find_a_sheep_in_long_grass/
%
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a banana?

|elephant| |banana| sin(θ)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0x8vs/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_an_elephant_with_a/
%
Most people don't get enough fiber in their diet.

Tough shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0x8cy/most_people_dont_get_enough_fiber_in_their_diet/
%
Give a fish to a man, he'll eat for a day.

Give a man to a fish, he'll eat for like, two weeks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0x8an/give_a_fish_to_a_man_hell_eat_for_a_day/
%
Guy comes home from the bar with a duck under his arm

His wife asks "Where the hell have you been?" and the guy says "This is the pig I've been screwin'"  Wife says "That's not a pig you drunk!", guy says "I wasn't talking to you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0x5mu/guy_comes_home_from_the_bar_with_a_duck_under_his/
%
What do you call Anorexia girl with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0x57a/what_do_you_call_anorexia_girl_with_a_yeast/
%
Man: Hi when do you use that calculator?

2nd Man: Oh, only on special equations.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0x4hu/man_hi_when_do_you_use_that_calculator/
%
What’s Micheal Jackson’s favourite guitar note?

B-minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0x2vs/whats_micheal_jacksons_favourite_guitar_note/
%
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0x2gz/three_bulls_heard_the_rancher_was_bringing/
%
Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0wz56/why_do_fireman_take_out_the_people_from_building/
%
Conversation between an interviewer and an alcoholic

Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.
Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3
six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one
year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
Man: Correct.
Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not
accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000;
correct?
Man: Correct.
Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not
drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Interviewer: No.
Man: So where's your Ferrari?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0wy78/conversation_between_an_interviewer_and_an/
%
I overheard two people having a argument about vaccines.

Guy 1: How could people even think that vaccines are harmful?
Guy 2: Well when I was young my parents did an experiment they got me vaccinated and my twin was vaccination free.
Now I have had many sicknesses while my brother had almost none!
Guy 1: Wait I never knew you had a twin.
Guy 2: Oh yes I did, but he died when we where young.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0wr2s/i_overheard_two_people_having_a_argument_about/
%
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.

It's syncing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0wqx4/i_downloaded_all_the_music_to_the_movie_titanic/
%
People say I have ocd.

OCD*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0we2d/people_say_i_have_ocd/
%
I'm Aussie and Americans are always asking me where in Australia there isn’t something trying to kill you...

School is my answer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0wdgd/im_aussie_and_americans_are_always_asking_me/
%
What does a plane and a woman have in common?

They both have cockpits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0wcs5/what_does_a_plane_and_a_woman_have_in_common/
%
I don‘t think antivaxxers are such a big problem.

I was just walking through the subway when I saw 2 homeless people vaccinating themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0waeb/i_dont_think_antivaxxers_are_such_a_big_problem/
%
My dad told me

Never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club.
Because you'll see something, you really shouldn't.
So I went.
And I saw my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0w6kh/my_dad_told_me/
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A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis

Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.
Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"
The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0vw5p/a_young_man_truly_in_love_with_his_girlfriend/
%
What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite chord?

A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0vuac/whats_michael_jacksons_favourite_chord/
%
Even the most intelligent people can't survive a day without electricity

Like Stephen Hawking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0vtvv/even_the_most_intelligent_people_cant_survive_a/
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What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common?

They were ridiculed when they played in the minors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0vrw2/what_do_michael_jackson_and_michael_jordan_have/
%
If Game of Thrones teaches us anything it is that Mexico should build the wall.

Whingers are coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0vpfo/if_game_of_thrones_teaches_us_anything_it_is_that/
%
You know what french people smoke?

Oui'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0vl71/you_know_what_french_people_smoke/
%
What did the circle weeaboo say when he saw 5 circles?

Notice me 10π

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0vl2m/what_did_the_circle_weeaboo_say_when_he_saw_5/
%
A boy asks his father, “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”

Caught off guard, the father clears his throat and replies, “Well that depends son, are you asking about before or after sex?”
“Before, I guess,” the boy responds.
“Like a beautiful rose whose petals are tightly woven together holding onto a few drops of morning dew.”
There’s a short pause as the boy imagines something so perfect. “And what about after sex?” he finally asks.
“Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0vl1f/a_boy_asks_his_father_dad_whats_a_vagina_look_like/
%
For all the guys out there with “small packages” just remember...

you can tear anything up at 100 mph

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0vkcs/for_all_the_guys_out_there_with_small_packages/
%
How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0vfwy/how_is_sex_like_a_game_of_bridge/
%
Recent events reminded me of this joke:

A jet is flying across the country when the passengers began to feel shaking.
The pilot announced, "Uh Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing. Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines! Because of the engine issues we will be arriving at our destination 30 minutes later than scheduled."
The passengers all groaned and went back to sleeping, reading, and watching their movies.
Not long afterwards, they felt more turbulence, and again heard the pilot say, "OK so we just lost our second engine, but not to worry, we are still running well on two engines. We will arrive at our destination 1 hour later than scheduled."
The passengers exchanged worried looks and started talking among themselves.
Again, they felt the jet dip and rumble, and again, they heard the pilot say, "We lost our third engine,  and we will arrive 2 hours later than scheduled at our destination.  My apologies for the inconveniences this delay is causing all of you."
This time, a frustrated looking passenger wearing a business suit stood up and yelled, "At this rate, if we lose another engine, we'll never get there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0vfdo/recent_events_reminded_me_of_this_joke/
%
What's the difference between a deer and a hitchhiker?

i don't know I was going so fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0v3lh/whats_the_difference_between_a_deer_and_a/
%
Whats one problem you can run from?

Obesity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0v2mk/whats_one_problem_you_can_run_from/
%
I can see quite a number of these Pi jokes coming from a mile away.

Although I can't seem to catch their ending no matter how I try.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0v1d0/i_can_see_quite_a_number_of_these_pi_jokes_coming/
%
What did the arrogant rich kid with amnesia say to the bouncer at a bar?

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0uz0b/what_did_the_arrogant_rich_kid_with_amnesia_say/
%
What do you call a snowman on wheels?

A bICICLE
im so sorry...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0uymf/what_do_you_call_a_snowman_on_wheels/
%
What’s the difference between humans and bullets?

Humans miss John Lennon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0utui/whats_the_difference_between_humans_and_bullets/
%
Ever heard of Canadian terrorism?

It's when your neighbour leaves and you do all of his chores!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0usar/ever_heard_of_canadian_terrorism/
%
What’s the difference between a woman jogging and a genius midget [NSFW]

One’s a cunning runt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0urln/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_jogging_and/
%
What do you call transgender robots?

T R A N S F O R M E R S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ur8q/what_do_you_call_transgender_robots/
%
Controversial

Why don’t white people get a white history month?
Answer: Because you typically don’t give a participation trophy to the kid who got first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0uqqo/controversial/
%
I'll tell you what I know about dwarves,

Very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0upxr/ill_tell_you_what_i_know_about_dwarves/
%
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0up5n/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
%
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give them a used tampon and ask them what period its from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0uoxr/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archaeologist/
%
My friend said I need to get my shit together

I told him that it's cause I eat too much fiber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0uojm/my_friend_said_i_need_to_get_my_shit_together/
%
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ulu8/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_during_sex/
%
The past, present and future got into a fight

Things got pretty tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ujo4/the_past_present_and_future_got_into_a_fight/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0uhom/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0uevp/a_young_guy_from_texas_moves_to_california_and/
%
I got mad and threw my mouse at the wall because it wasn’t working..

I don’t know why the people at the vet are giving me that look.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ue3d/i_got_mad_and_threw_my_mouse_at_the_wall_because/
%
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band

But I quit because it was just one ting after another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ud2j/i_used_to_play_the_triangle_in_a_reggae_band/
%
Adolf Hitler is walking around in a prisoner camp.

As he is passing through he see a kid who is giving his food rations to an injured dog.
Hitler walks up to the kid and asks him, "Why are you giving your food to the dog? You know you wont get extra."
The boy replies, "The dog needed it more than me, sir."
Hitler felt something he had never felt before.
AH : "What is your name kid?"
Boy : "My name is John, sir."
AH : "And how old are you, John?"
Boy : "I will be ten years old tomorrow, sir,"
AH : "Oh no! You won't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ua74/adolf_hitler_is_walking_around_in_a_prisoner_camp/
%
What do antivax parents order at a bar?

Anything but shots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0u8sh/what_do_antivax_parents_order_at_a_bar/
%
What do you call the popes cigarettes?

Holy Smokes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0u6ea/what_do_you_call_the_popes_cigarettes/
%
what do racers eat before a race

nothing they fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0u1mr/what_do_racers_eat_before_a_race/
%
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

Quatro sinko!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0tzni/what_do_you_call_4_mexicans_in_quicksand/
%
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in his fur?

Chocolate chip wookie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0twkc/what_do_you_call_chewbacca_with_chocolate_stuck/
%
What do you call a sick Instagram model?

An Influenza

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0tv14/what_do_you_call_a_sick_instagram_model/
%
Can you imagine arguing with yourself

I mean who would do that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ttnz/can_you_imagine_arguing_with_yourself/
%
3 friends are walking through the snow (nsfw)

The first one turns to the other two and says,  "It's so cold out here my dick must have shrank 3 sizes. "
The second one chimes in and says,  "you're lucky, Mine shot inside my body to stay warm. "
The third one looks at them, shrugs, then says, "Eh, I've fucked so many cold hearted bitches it doesn't effect me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0tohq/3_friends_are_walking_through_the_snow_nsfw/
%
Johnny died. The same day Jimmy died. Johnny’s wife brought his suit to the funeral home. Jimmy’s wife brought his motorcycle jacket to the funeral home. The funeral director was getting ready to roll Johnny out to the viewing when his wife realized that Johnny was not wearing his suit, But instead…

... was wearing a motorcycle jacket. The funeral director apologized and said he take care of it.
The funeral director rolled Johnny back to the back room and within two minutes brought him back dressed in a suit.
His wife was amazed. “How did you change the suit so quickly?” She asked.
“Oh,” said the funeral director. “I didn’t change the suit. I just switched heads!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0tni4/johnny_died_the_same_day_jimmy_died_johnnys_wife/
%
This might be hard for some people to digest...

Dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0tm52/this_might_be_hard_for_some_people_to_digest/
%
As I get older, I sometimes stop and think about all of the people I’ve lost along the way

Maybe my job as a tour guide wasn’t such a good idea after all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0thi9/as_i_get_older_i_sometimes_stop_and_think_about/
%
A guy goes to his psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but pants made out of Saran wrap.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0teon/a_guy_goes_to_his_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
%
Haters, Amy Schumer just got another Netflix special announced, who's laughing now

^(still nobody)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0taq1/haters_amy_schumer_just_got_another_netflix/
%
I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0t4rh/i_zipped_up_my_jeans_and_got_my_penis_caught_in/
%
A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0t3ou/a_vietnamese_restaurant_is_offering_herbed_potato/
%
NSFW A boy and his grandfather are fishing

Grandpa cracks open a beer. The boy asks for a sip. “Can your dick touch your ass?” asks Grandpa.
“Well, no,” says the boy.
“Then no.”
Later, Grandpa lights a cigar. “Can I try?” asks the boy.
“Can your dick touch your ass?”
“No,” says the boy.
“Then no.”
After dinner, the boy is eating Oreos. Grandpa comes up and asks for one. “Can your dick touch your ass?” asks the boy.
“Actually it can.” Grandpa says smugly.
“Then you can go fuck yourself. Grandma said these are my Oreos.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0t0lz/nsfw_a_boy_and_his_grandfather_are_fishing/
%
A police man pulled me over

He came to my window and said : "papers?"
I said "scissors , i win" and i drove off
I think he wants a rematch because he's been chasing me for 45 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0sw7i/a_police_man_pulled_me_over/
%
What do you call a paraplegic who does karate?

Partial Arts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0sqjv/what_do_you_call_a_paraplegic_who_does_karate/
%
That’s a nice ham you’ve got there, it’d be a shame if someone...

Put it between and S and and E

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0sjvb/thats_a_nice_ham_youve_got_there_itd_be_a_shame/
%
Did you hear about the time a sex worker denied a customer service?

She obviously didn't give a fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0siyx/did_you_hear_about_the_time_a_sex_worker_denied_a/
%
All of the Undertale characters had a big orgy...

But nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0shwf/all_of_the_undertale_characters_had_a_big_orgy/
%
Why are people obese?

I mean obesity is literally a problem u can run way from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0sffy/why_are_people_obese/
%
The voice command system of my driverless car stopped working days ago.

It goes without saying..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0sdjn/the_voice_command_system_of_my_driverless_car/
%
Apparently taking too much Viagra can affect your IQ and cause aggressive behavior.

But the fuck I care about some crappy Apple products anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0sd5z/apparently_taking_too_much_viagra_can_affect_your/
%
Milk, cheese and yogurt may be different products

But their origins are udderly similar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0sbsa/milk_cheese_and_yogurt_may_be_different_products/
%
A man was having a heart attack at a bar

When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0s9bh/a_man_was_having_a_heart_attack_at_a_bar/
%
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph because he’s half an Ese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0s83s/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...

and says to them: "Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?" Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!" "Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely \*whales\* from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0s5r2/a_drunk_man_approaches_two_overweight_women_after/
%
Two satellites decided to get married

The wedding wasnt much, but the reception was incredible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0s4qx/two_satellites_decided_to_get_married/
%
I had a great conversation with a dolphin last night

We just clicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0s2wx/i_had_a_great_conversation_with_a_dolphin_last/
%
Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses.

I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0rzun/apparently_marx_was_right_about_religion_being/
%
Busy barber

A guy walks to a barber shop, opens the door and asks the barber "how long is the wait?"
The barber looks at the line of people waiting and says "oh, about 90 minutes"
The man leaves and never comes back.
The next day the man goes to the same barber asking "how long is the wait today?"
Barber looks at those waiting and says "today is quite busy, seems like a two and a half hour wait"
The guy leaves and doesn't return for that day.
The third day the man goes to the same barber and asks him the same question.
The barber looks and says "not that long, about an hour or so"
The man turns around and starts running.
The barber tells the help to go follow that man and see if he is going to a competing barber.
After a while the help returns.
The barber asks him "is he going to another competitor?"
The help answers "no"
The barber asks "so where the hell does he keep going to everyday?"
The help answers "to your wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0rwvx/busy_barber/
%
An scotsman went to norway for vacation

He was going in a taxi , when suddenly a moose crossed in front of them
Scotsman: What was that?
Driver: It was a moose
Scotsman(in heavy accent): Take me back to the airport right now. If the mouse are this big then I don't wanna even see the rats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0rtt8/an_scotsman_went_to_norway_for_vacation/
%
We’ll We’ll We’ll...

If it isn’t autocorrect...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0rta6/well_well_well/
%
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet then rub up and down...

Then rinse it one last time and that's
how you clean a cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0rr7n/touch_it_gently_put_two_fingers_inside_if_its/
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I'll never forget

what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket. "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0rptd/ill_never_forget/
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I had a friend who loved to joke about suicide.

Haven't seen him in a while, I wonder what he's up to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0rnd8/i_had_a_friend_who_loved_to_joke_about_suicide/
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Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping

Towards the end of the evening, they decide to turn into their tent and sleep.
Around 3AM, Sherlock rouses Watson awake
"Watson! Watson!!"
Watson opens his eyes and sees a beautiful night sky full of shimmering stars.
"What do you see Watson?"
"Well Dr Holmes, I see a beautiful universe of millions of glimmering lights facing us hiding an infinite wonder and possibility."
"And what do you deduce from that, my dear Watson?"
"Well Dr, if we are but a small speck in the grand canvas of this universe, logic would dictate that somewhere out in the infinite unknown of this beautiful existence, there must be life out there as well. And possibly, it could be looking up at the same sky from their home making the same realization."
Sherlock spits on the ground in disgust "Watson you outstanding imbecile, it means someone stole our bloody tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0rki5/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_go_camping/
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Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.

“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”
“I blame the players,” said the second fan. “If they made more of an effort, we’d score some points.”
“I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Seattle, I’d be supporting a decent team.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0rcp8/three_fans_were_bemoaning_the_sorry_state_of/
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A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

"No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0r9q7/a_very_curious_customer_asked_a_local_tomato/
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Where do homeless turtles go?

To the Shellter :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0r741/where_do_homeless_turtles_go/
%
I just found out a coworker was just pretending to be my friend.

He was a placebro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0r4t4/i_just_found_out_a_coworker_was_just_pretending/
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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes.

Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."  The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.  The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0r0kf/one_day_little_johnny_saw_his_grandpa_smoking_his/
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"This is your captain speaking"

**"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0qy0c/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
%
Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.

That would cause mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0quyj/americans_cant_switch_from_pounds_to_kilograms/
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Fun fact:

Siri’s name was just “i” prior to being knighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0qu96/fun_fact/
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The Bee Joke

Once, there was a bee who lived in a very complex bee hive. All the bees residing in this hive lived very happily with their own tasks and aspirations. However, this particular bee, named Bart, was quite special. He was an incredibly intelligent bee who matured and learned far faster than his bee peers. Even after his parents send him to bee high school at the age of 10, Bart the bee outperformed every one of his classmates.
One day, his teacher invites his parents to class for a meeting. In this meeting, the teacher suggested that Bart be sent to a human high school. While at first skeptical, they decide that this would be the best opportunity for their son. They send Bart to a human high school, where surprisingly enough, he flourishes even more as a student. At the age of 16, Bart the bee graduated as a valedictorian at this human high school.
When it came to furthering his education, he applied and was accepted to all the major ivy league universities across the country; Yale, Princeton, Harvard, you name it. He ultimately settled on MIT, where he studied as an honor roll student and became a Political Science major. After graduating at the age of 20, he used his knowledge to pursue politics, first running for the mayor of Boston, near MIT. Much to a shock of just about everyone, Bart the bee was elected almost unanimously, proceeding to become the most liked mayor of all time. Furthering his political career, he ran for the governor of Massachusetts, once again being unanimously elected with unprecedented approval levels. Bart the bee became the Governor of Massachusetts.
To top it all off, Bart the bee decided that he would run for president of the United States. This, obviously, has never been attempted in the history of, well, ever. However, Bart had become so universally adored by nearly all of humanity, that there virtually no opposition to Bart's campaign. By default, Bart the bee became the POTUS.
Having accomplished just about everything he could have possibly accomplished in his bee life, he looked back on his life and came to the realization that none of what he achieved would have been possible had his parents taken the leap of faith on his behalf. Thusly, he decided he would return to his home hive and spend some time with his parents.
When Bart returned to the hive, he was welcomed as a celebrity, being loved by humans and bees alike. His parents were absolutely overjoyed to see their bee son once again. He decided that he would treat them to a delicious steak dinner at his favorite restaurant. After a bit of a flight, he arrives at the restaurant and finds that the wait time is over an hour long. Not wanting to abuse his status as president to obtain a table, he decides to take his parents to the pub for a drink. However, upon arriving at this pub, he realizes that the queue line is out the door and all the way down the block. Frustrated, he decides that he will simply take his parents for a nice glass of fruit punch. They fly down to the fruit punch stand down the street, and anyway there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0qrrg/the_bee_joke/
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Old lady at the doctor

An old lady goes into the doctor and says "doctor, I've been farting all the time, they're silent and you can't smell them, but it's just happening constantly"
The doctor goes okay, here, take these and see me in a week
The old lady comes back in a week and says "doctor, I don't know what the hell you gave me but my farts have been smelling like shit since I started taking those pills"
The doctor says "great, we've fixed your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0qn3g/old_lady_at_the_doctor/
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Four expectant fathers.

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room,   while their wives were in labour.
The nurse tells the first man,   "Congratulations!   You're the father of twins!"
"What a coincidence!   I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns and tells the second man,   "You are the father of triplets!"
"Wow,   what a coincidence!   I work for 3M Corporation!"
When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence!   I work for Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point,   the fourth guy faints.   When he comes to,   the others ask what's wrong.
"What's wrong?!   I work for Seven-Up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ql0e/four_expectant_fathers/
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What do you call it when your body is fighting off an illness?

The Cold War.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0qjpk/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_body_is_fighting/
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My friend performed a sex change on a man the other day.

So glad he could pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0qi43/my_friend_performed_a_sex_change_on_a_man_the/
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What do nudists pack for vacation?

Just the bare necessities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0qhuu/what_do_nudists_pack_for_vacation/
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A Librarian just got a new job.

On his first day someone asks him where a certain book is. He knows where it should be but can't find it there, in fact none of the books seem to be organized correctly. He goes to the head librarian who finds the book with ease.
He asks the head librarian why all the books are so disorganized. "Well we just fill up empty shelves with new books we get, people seem to like it, I even get compliments sometimes." The librarian accuses him of just not wanting to do work. "It's true! I'm not sure why but people seem to like those who sort by new"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0qbu4/a_librarian_just_got_a_new_job/
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A man dies, goes to heaven, and sees a wall full of clocks.

The man asks God what all the clocks are for, and God explains, "these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."
Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's George Washington's", God answers. "The hands have never moved, indicating he never told a lie."
"Incredible," the man responds. "And whose clock is that?"
God responds. "That's Barack Obama's. The hands move, but very rarely, which means he doesn't lie much in his life."
"Where is Donald Trump's clock?" the man asks.
"Trump's clock is in Jesus' office," God says. "He uses it as a fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0qaw1/a_man_dies_goes_to_heaven_and_sees_a_wall_full_of/
%
What’s wrong with The USSR?

First of all, it shouldn’t be capitalized...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0q9lk/whats_wrong_with_the_ussr/
%
So many dads nowadays say they're "going out to buy milk", and then never return.

Oh well, at least our moms still have the milkman: he doesn't just come and leave, he also brings the milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0q8bt/so_many_dads_nowadays_say_theyre_going_out_to_buy/
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A knight and his men return to their castle...

...after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0q6qi/a_knight_and_his_men_return_to_their_castle/
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Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.

Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it  was wet in the corner.
Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting  it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle  of scotch?"
His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0q69n/some_employees_bought_their_boss_a_gift_for_his/
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What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0q1l6/what_did_the_drummer_name_his_twin_daughters/
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A Texas Redneck, Japanese Business Man and Mexican are standing next to each other on a cruise ship, looking over the edge of the ship.

After a period of silence, the Mexican takes out a nice bottle of tequila and throws it overboard, and says, “There is nice tequila like that all over Mexico, that bottle means nothing to me.”
In an attempt to one-up the Mexican, the Japanese man pulls out a brand new Sony laptop and throws it overboard, saying, “We have computers like that all over Japan, that laptop means nothing to me.”
The redneck stood there for a second, and suddenly grabbed the Mexican man and threw him overboard. With the Japanese man staring in horror, the redneck says, “Yeah, in Texas we’ve got those things everywhere, he didn’t mean anything to me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0pzn9/a_texas_redneck_japanese_business_man_and_mexican/
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What is an office ninja's most deadly weapon?

The element of supplies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0pwtm/what_is_an_office_ninjas_most_deadly_weapon/
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What should you do if you get attacked by a German Shepherd?

Take his crook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0pty6/what_should_you_do_if_you_get_attacked_by_a/
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Why did Bruce Willis die with a smile on his face?

Because he died hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ppu2/why_did_bruce_willis_die_with_a_smile_on_his_face/
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The worst pub I've ever been to was called - The Fiddle.

It really was a vile Inn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0pouz/the_worst_pub_ive_ever_been_to_was_called_the/
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Its raining

"Come inside , it's raining" Mom shouted to little Tim.
Tim replies "It's raining outsite as well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0podq/its_raining/
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If 2 vegans get in an argument,

is it still considered beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0po19/if_2_vegans_get_in_an_argument/
%
My friend could not afford to pay his water bill..

So, I sent him a "get well soon" card..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0pnjb/my_friend_could_not_afford_to_pay_his_water_bill/
%
A baby cow walks up to a mom cow and says

"Mommy,why is my name rose",the mom says "because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head".a 2nd cow asks "why is my name lily?" the mom says "because a Lilly fell on your head when you were born".a third cow comes over and says "dur glu fo dur.".the mom then says "shut up cinder block!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0pmyp/a_baby_cow_walks_up_to_a_mom_cow_and_says/
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What do you do when an untrained soldier throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0pllc/what_do_you_do_when_an_untrained_soldier_throws_a/
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Interview Room

Me: I‘m not saying a word without my lawyer present!
Cop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where‘s my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0pif1/interview_room/
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Top 5 anti-vax excuses, interpreted for gamers

Excuse #5:  "I like to play life with the default biological settings".
Excuse #4:  "I like to take my chances and play it on extreme difficulty, just like old school style."
Excuse #3:  "Pay to win? Eww."
Excuse #2:  "I'll rather die than pay for DLC."
Excuse #1:  "I swear the update caused that crash."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ph83/top_5_antivax_excuses_interpreted_for_gamers/
%
I was making too many puns in r/sandwiches...

the mods had to banh mi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0pgti/i_was_making_too_many_puns_in_rsandwiches/
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I just got a vasectomy

I feel like it's a big change, but I don't feel a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0pe0s/i_just_got_a_vasectomy/
%
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.

One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.”
St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.”
St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”
St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0pdqs/two_doctors_and_an_hmo_manager_die_and_line_up/
%
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"
My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"
I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"
(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0paal/my_mother_died_a_few_years_ago_i_recently_came/
%
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0p9hk/call_me_a_racist_if_you_want_but_south_of_the/
%
Dumb fisherman.

Two buddies are fishing,   but they haven't caught anything all day.   Then,   another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish.   They ask him   "excuse me,   but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies,   "If you just go down the steam until the water isn't salty,   there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way.   15 minutes later,   one fisherman says to the other   "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some.   "Nope.   Still salty."   30 minutes later,   he asks him to check again.
"Nope,   still salty."   One our later they check again.   "Nope.   Still salty."
"This isn't good,"   the fisherman finally says.   "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know,"   says the other.   "And the bucket is almost empty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0p5uz/dumb_fisherman/
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I may not have the biggest penis...

But if I lay it across my keyboard, it reaches from A-Z.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0p2lh/i_may_not_have_the_biggest_penis/
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I caught two kids....

I caught Two kids smoking pot outside my office. 15 minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0p1zs/i_caught_two_kids/
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One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it, was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it, was Ronald Reagan with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.”
“I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day”, commented Donald.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, “Okay: Monica, you're free to go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0p1q1/one_day_in_the_future_donald_trump_has_a/
%
I had trouble making friends in college, but then came up with a foolproof plan.

I started telling girls I love them. Their first reaction was to say  let’s just be friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0p148/i_had_trouble_making_friends_in_college_but_then/
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I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0p0n7/im_okay_with_smoking_alcohol_and_marijuana/
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Child asked his father..

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0p0b8/child_asked_his_father/
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Genie: What's your first wish?

Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0oz8b/genie_whats_your_first_wish/
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How do you know a palm tree is getting old?

It’s coconuts hang lower than its trunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0oybz/how_do_you_know_a_palm_tree_is_getting_old/
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A guy walks into a hotel

He asks at the front desk for his reservation  .
The manager asks about his details and then gives him the key.
The guest then takes his room key and goes into the elevator.
After half an hour he comes back and angrily complains the manger that he couldn't find his room
The manager calmly replies," Well what did you expect when you booked room 404?."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0oy9q/a_guy_walks_into_a_hotel/
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Why are there 2 d's in reddit?

Because the mods like them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0otan/why_are_there_2_ds_in_reddit/
%
Ice started to fall from the sky the other day...

Oh hail no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0oqbr/ice_started_to_fall_from_the_sky_the_other_day/
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Did you hear about the fruit that was forbidden from running away with its lover?

Canteloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0om5i/did_you_hear_about_the_fruit_that_was_forbidden/
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What would you say to someone when you're busy looking for Captain Marvel's cat?

That you're on a wild Goose chase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0oj6e/what_would_you_say_to_someone_when_youre_busy/
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Once had sex with an japenese girl

it all seems a bit blurry when i think back about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0og3u/once_had_sex_with_an_japenese_girl/
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James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way.  He finally seeks medical help.  After some tests, the doctor returns:
"James, I don't know quite how to say this.  It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pinching a nerve and this is the direct cause of your pain.  I'm afraid the only way to find relief is to have your testicles removed."
James is reluctant, but concedes to the operation.  After recovery, he feels outstanding.  No pain, no disorientation, colors seem brighter as he walks down the street.  Passing a tailor, he decides a new man deserves a new suit.
He enters the store and sees a very aged salesman.  James asks about a suit, the old man looks him up and down and grabs a jacket, "38 regular." James is floored, how did he know?  "Son I've been doing this for 40 years, I can tell just by looking". Sure enough, fits like a dream.
"I could use a couple pairs of slacks too"
Old man points to a rack, "34 inseam, what color you want?". James again is astounded.  "Son I told you, 40 years".
"How about some new dress shoes?" Old man looks down, "12 wide coming up".
"How did you-"
"40 years", the old man interrupts.
James pays and is about to walk out when he mutters, "you know, I could use some new underwear while I'm here."
Old man hobbles over to the table as he says "38 waist".
"HA! I got you!" James exclaims, "I'm a 34!  I've been wearing 34s all my adult life!"
The old man looks over his shoulder and says "Son you can't be wearing 34s. If you were wearing 34s they'd be so tight you'd be pressing your testicles against the base of your spine causing severe headaches".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0obn2/james_is_suffering_from_severe_headaches_long/
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Haven't had a bowel movement in a week so i took some constipation pills. i'm highly disappointed.

They didn't do shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0o71q/havent_had_a_bowel_movement_in_a_week_so_i_took/
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When it comes to Hitler, history hasn't been very kind to him. But people seem to forget that he.....

.....did kill Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0o6mv/when_it_comes_to_hitler_history_hasnt_been_very/
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I live in a state of constant agony.

That state is Missouri.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0o4jm/i_live_in_a_state_of_constant_agony/
%
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing the other day: "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0o3sl/an_mit_linguistics_professor_was_lecturing_the/
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Overhead in a country ruled by a dictator

Citizen: What happened to freedom of speech in this country?
Dictator: Freedom of speech has always been guaranteed in this country. It is freedom after speech which we can’t guarantee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0nxyf/overhead_in_a_country_ruled_by_a_dictator/
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Two cannibals are eating Amy Shumer's body

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other replies: "no, not at all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0nx51/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_shumers_body/
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So it turns out there actually is a difference between necklace beads and anal beads.

Flavor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0nvj2/so_it_turns_out_there_actually_is_a_difference/
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Why did the infertile chicken cross the road?

She wanted to take adavantage of Burger King's 10 piece special. She now has lil nuggets of her own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0nttt/why_did_the_infertile_chicken_cross_the_road/
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About a year ago I changet my name to Fun...

Apparently Cyndi Lauper is a liar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ntnl/about_a_year_ago_i_changet_my_name_to_fun/
%
My doctor and I recently had an extensive conversation about ADHD.

Wonder what that is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0nrz1/my_doctor_and_i_recently_had_an_extensive/
%
I dissected an iris today...

It was an eye opening experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0nout/i_dissected_an_iris_today/
%
Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together.

It's hard for them to stay in sink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0nokb/dont_ever_have_multiple_people_wash_dishes/
%
What did Beyonce say to the fat girl?

"...You ate all my pringles lady, all my pringles lady."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0nl7i/what_did_beyonce_say_to_the_fat_girl/
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A Holocaust Survivor dies...

A Holocaust Survivor dies and goes to heaven, where he meets G-d. He tells G-d a holocaust joke, but G-d doesn't laugh. The man says "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ni8m/a_holocaust_survivor_dies/
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My friend started a business selling helicopters.

It's really starting to take off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0nhjt/my_friend_started_a_business_selling_helicopters/
%
A man went to the doctor’s in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor.
“It’s my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares.”
“Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?”
“Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, ‘Quick, get out, my husband’s coming home,’ that, without thinking, I jumped out of the window.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0nh2h/a_man_went_to_the_doctors_in_an_awful_state_cuts/
%
Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier!

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk?
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.
Sperm bank employee: OH MY GOD
Me: What?
Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0nd88/me_thank_you_for_that_glass_of_milk_earlier/
%
How do you get an emo off your balcony?

You encourage them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0nd5i/how_do_you_get_an_emo_off_your_balcony/
%
Can I crash at your place tonight ?

No Hobo tho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0nckq/can_i_crash_at_your_place_tonight/
%
Look, I'm gonna teach you how to fulfill your fat fetish and help you seduce someone fat.

Trust me I've easily done it before. It's a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0n9q7/look_im_gonna_teach_you_how_to_fulfill_your_fat/
%
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?

It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0n43v/want_to_hear_my_latest_joke_about_the_fibonacci/
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Why do tennis players love vending machines?

Because they don't have to wait to for their food to be served.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0myb4/why_do_tennis_players_love_vending_machines/
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My 5 year old...

My 5 year old son, after reading story of a king...
Son- Mom, I will also marry 3 wives. One will cook, one will sing and one will bathe me.
My wife- And which one will put you to sleep.
Son- No Mom, I will still sleep with you.
My wife's eyes filled with tears of pure love for our son.
'God bless you son' She said, 'But who will sleep with your three wives.?'
Son- Let them sleep with daddy.
My eyes filled with tears of pure love of my son.
'God bless you my child' I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0mu4j/my_5_year_old/
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What is a furries favorite computer program?

Winrawr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ms6c/what_is_a_furries_favorite_computer_program/
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My dad passed away last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the doctors to give him a transfusion

As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's really hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0mohw/my_dad_passed_away_last_year_when_my_family/
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The Magic Goblin

A girl is walking deep in woods when suddenly she hears rustling  in the bushes. She checks in and suddenly a shorted figure with pointed ears and long nails appears.
“What are you” ? The girl said in disgust.
“I am a magic goblin!” The goblin yelled with glee.
“Wow a magic goblin! I have never seen one before. So what makes you so magic”?
“Well I grant wishes! No one has seen me in a long time and I only grant them when I am discovered. You are very lucky! I will allow you to say three things you desire”.
The girl, stricken with excitement. Began to think about what she wanted.
“Ok goblin! I want lots of money, and nice car and to live in a mansion”!
“Ok girl, that can be done. But on one condition... you must has sex and sleep with me”!
After a pause the girl thought about reconsidering. But she gave into her desires and agreed reluctantly.
“Well... ok”.
The girl took the goblin home and had sex with him, only thinking about the great things that she will receive.
The next morning they wake up and the girl asks for her wishes.
“Wait, how old are you”? The goblin exclaimed.
The girl let out a chuckle and said “I am 25 years old haha. Why”?
The goblin looks at her with a wide grin and says; “wow, 25 years old and you still believe in goblins”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0mmsv/the_magic_goblin/
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My friend from Cairo keeps trying to sell me his time share property...

... I think it might be a Pyramid Scheme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0mig7/my_friend_from_cairo_keeps_trying_to_sell_me_his/
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A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the forest...

The bear turns to the rabbit and says "do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says "no, why?"
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0mgp2/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_were_taking_a_shit_in_the/
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Today I saw two blind people fighting...

I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0mfx5/today_i_saw_two_blind_people_fighting/
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What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0mdmc/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
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I got banned from Instagram for posting food pictures

Apparently they only want to see the food "Before" you eat it, not "After"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0mbnd/i_got_banned_from_instagram_for_posting_food/
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What do you call a communist beaver?

A dam commie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0mabg/what_do_you_call_a_communist_beaver/
%
Did you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather?

He made him an offer he couldn’t understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0m855/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_chinese_godfather/
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A Brunette, Red head and a Blonde are on a quick getaway from the police.

The Brunette turns to the other two. "Look!" she says, pointing to an old beat up barn over the hill, "let's go hide in there!". So they pull off down the dirt road and park in front of this barn and run inside. As they walk in, they notice a big stack of large burlap sacks. The Red Head gets the bright idea and says "Let's hide in those sacks!". So they all grab a sack and crawl inside before the police enter the building. "Come out with your hands up!" one officer yells. They quickly notice the sacks the three are hiding in. They walk up to the first sack and give it a little kick. "....Meow!" says the Brunette hiding in the sack. "This sack is full of kittens!". The office moves to the next sack and gives it a little kick. ".....Ruff! Ruff!" yells the Red head hiding in the sack. "This one is full of puppies!". The officer moves to the third and final sack where the Blonde is hiding. He kicks the sack. ".............POTATOES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0m71f/a_brunette_red_head_and_a_blonde_are_on_a_quick/
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What does a short-sighted gynaechologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0m6z4/what_does_a_shortsighted_gynaechologist_and_a/
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The sun doesn't have to go to college...

Because it already got 27 million degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0m5cu/the_sun_doesnt_have_to_go_to_college/
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A very shy guy goes into a bar

and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0m3xv/a_very_shy_guy_goes_into_a_bar/
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A woman walks into a butcher shop.

She says to the butcher, "I'd like that pig's head over there."
To which the butcher replies, "I'm sorry to tell you ma'am, but that's a mirror."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0m0xp/a_woman_walks_into_a_butcher_shop/
%
What do you call an antelope that is forbidden to marry?

Cantelope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ly0n/what_do_you_call_an_antelope_that_is_forbidden_to/
%
What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

They vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0louo/what_do_japanese_men_do_when_they_have_erections/
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What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?

If you pull the ring, your house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0lm52/what_does_a_wife_and_a_handgrenade_have_in_common/
%
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0llxi/when_you_pull_the_pin_on_a_grenade_how_do_you_put/
%
A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:
"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".
The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:
"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovely house at the end of the street and it just so happens to be right next to a very famous bar. I don't mind the noise but every night there are always some drunkards that piss all over my garden. So, yesterday night I stood there with my pruning shears and whenever someone got their dick out I'd say: '$50 bucks or I'll cut it off!'"
Laughing at the amusing idea the Police Officer lets her go about her way but jokingly asks:
"Is the second bag filled with money too?"
To which the old lady responds
"Oh you know Mr.Officer, not everyone pays..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0lis1/a_police_officer_sees_a_trail_of_50_notes_leading/
%
I don’t often tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0liln/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
%
The first Person to drop a Nokia made a discovery-

A groundbreaking one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0li2f/the_first_person_to_drop_a_nokia_made_a_discovery/
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I told my wife that she’s like a firework

Explosive, distracting, and can put you in hospital if you get to close.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0lghg/i_told_my_wife_that_shes_like_a_firework/
%
What kind of machine never lies?

A facts-machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0lg9s/what_kind_of_machine_never_lies/
%
What kind of organisation would you call Atheism?

A non-prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0lbzl/what_kind_of_organisation_would_you_call_atheism/
%
What do you call two transgendered migets fucking

A micro-trans-action

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0l9m9/what_do_you_call_two_transgendered_migets_fucking/
%
An Anti-vaxxer walks into a bar...

He stays sober and wants to go back home, but there's a bridge that comes in the way.
I tell him, "There is a 1 percent chance of the bridge breaking."
The anti-vaxxer jumped into the water and started swimming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0kpol/an_antivaxxer_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call the murder of a farmer

Countrycide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0kph5/what_do_you_call_the_murder_of_a_farmer/
%
She told me, “No, sorry. My morals stop me from having sex with a married man.”

I wish she told me this before our honeymoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0koy9/she_told_me_no_sorry_my_morals_stop_me_from/
%
At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said "I didn't know that one but I would have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0km5h/at_a_recent_job_interview_i_was_asked_if_i_could/
%
my father was a podiatrist.

lady: you’re just like your dad
me: yeah i followed in his footsteps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0kl3v/my_father_was_a_podiatrist/
%
I was taking a dip in the local pool, and the lifeguard said "Hey! What have you got"?

"Hummus".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ki9w/i_was_taking_a_dip_in_the_local_pool_and_the/
%
A Klansman, a murderer and a domestic abuser walk into a bar

"What'll it be officer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0khst/a_klansman_a_murderer_and_a_domestic_abuser_walk/
%
I go mugged by six dwarves last night.

Not happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0kh9j/i_go_mugged_by_six_dwarves_last_night/
%
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.
For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0kgc7/my_grandfather_died_and_i_inherited_some_of_his/
%
What’s the most sensitive part of the body when masterbating?

The ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0kfs4/whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_the_body_when/
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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and she was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0kd5w/the_maid_asked_her_boss_the_wife_for_a_raise_and/
%
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A Buck An Ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ka2h/how_much_did_the_pirate_pay_to_get_his_ears/
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The Prostitute House

The madam tell her girls "Just give those guys blow-up dolls. they're so wasted they'll never know the difference"
After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'
The second says 'I think mine was a witch'
First: 'Really? Why's that?'
Second: '''Cause when I bit her ass, she farted in my face and then flew out the window'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0k8d1/the_prostitute_house/
%
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.
"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.
The plane just goes straight for a while.
"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.
The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"
The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0k7rs/a_fighter_pilot_and_a_cargo_pilot_are_flying/
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I just heard they voted sexiest koala

I hope the votes are coming from other koalas.
I feel they're the only ones that are Koala-fied
(but seriously sexiest koala is a thing)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0k3mv/i_just_heard_they_voted_sexiest_koala/
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What do you call a group of cereal boxes that never keep their word?

Corn flakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0jyds/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_cereal_boxes_that/
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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office

I will find you.
You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0jvsr/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks" I said "Don't mention it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0jvm2/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
What do you call a dog in a submarine?

A sub-woofer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0jt7q/what_do_you_call_a_dog_in_a_submarine/
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Give a man a fire and he is warm for the night...

But set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0jsb7/give_a_man_a_fire_and_he_is_warm_for_the_night/
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What do you get for making a bad pun in r/jokes?

A punishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0jot1/what_do_you_get_for_making_a_bad_pun_in_rjokes/
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What do you get when Woolies burns down? (One for the Aussies)

Coles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0jjym/what_do_you_get_when_woolies_burns_down_one_for/
%
What vacuum cleaner brand do Antivaxxers prefer?

Dyson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0jjrb/what_vacuum_cleaner_brand_do_antivaxxers_prefer/
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Lazy people

Statistics show that there are exactly 87345091
lazy people in the world who even didnt read the entire number.
Dont go back you're one of them now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0jd4h/lazy_people/
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Doctor gave me 6 months to live

Couldn’t pay my bills. He gave me another 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0izub/doctor_gave_me_6_months_to_live/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But  that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the  joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the  sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are  you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th  grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced  mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously,  every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of  multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a  different shade.
The mosquitoes form  into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I  WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The  bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he  inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the  catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much  that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The  mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We  didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this  dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0itxg/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ipva/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
%
I went to a restaurant and the waiter asked, “Would you like to hear today’s special?” I said, “Yes please.”

The waiter smiled and replied, "Sure thing. Today is special."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0iafn/i_went_to_a_restaurant_and_the_waiter_asked_would/
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60 years old Millionaire gets married

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0i5ys/60_years_old_millionaire_gets_married/
%
The white bear and the penguin tried to make their relationship work, but they couldn't.

They were polar opposites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0i4xg/the_white_bear_and_the_penguin_tried_to_make/
%
An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishman looks thoughtful for a moment and says, "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie responds, "It is twenty miles tall, a hundred feet thick and made of granite. Nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it with water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0i40j/an_irishman_and_an_englishman_find_a_lamp/
%
I wanna marry a woman named Serious

So every time someone says "are you fucking serious?"
I can say "why yes. Yes I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0i286/i_wanna_marry_a_woman_named_serious/
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Time is like a drug

Too much will kill you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0hwoo/time_is_like_a_drug/
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What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0hsu6/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.

A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.
She became his breast friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0hqm6/a_single_father_needed_breast_milk_for_his_infant/
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Saw 1st signs of spring today.

Two crackheads were carrying a space heater into the pawn shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0hpuc/saw_1st_signs_of_spring_today/
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Some guy sent my girlfriend nudes

I would be mad, but then she sent her own nudes back. Have some of your own medicine you sick fuck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0hamj/some_guy_sent_my_girlfriend_nudes/
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Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0h9q3/why_did_the_dad_put_the_credit_card_statement_on/
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Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won’t be identified as clergy.

They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini.
"Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by.
The men are stunned. How does she know they’re clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.
The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blonde, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them, and says, "Good morning, Fathers."
"Just a minute, young lady," says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"
"Don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Kathryn from the convent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0h5oi/vacationing_in_hawaii_two_priests_decide_to_wear/
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My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0h2l0/my_friend_billy_bob_and_i_visited_a_place_where/
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Everything changed when my girlfriend got pregnant.

My name, my address, my phone number, even my face (slightly)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0h15x/everything_changed_when_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant/
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Why are snakes so bad at playing hide-and-seek?

Because of their inability to count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0h0oh/why_are_snakes_so_bad_at_playing_hideandseek/
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Yo mama so fat...

Yo mama so fat her memory-foam mattress forgot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0gzs5/yo_mama_so_fat/
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What do you call a boat full of buddies?

A friend-ship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0guvp/what_do_you_call_a_boat_full_of_buddies/
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I used to know a guy who was in a band called 999 megabytes.

They were pretty good but they never made a gig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0gtmv/i_used_to_know_a_guy_who_was_in_a_band_called_999/
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So the police arrested this old battery...

They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.
They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0gofe/so_the_police_arrested_this_old_battery/
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She offered her honour. He honoured her offer.

And all night long he was on her and off her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0gn60/she_offered_her_honour_he_honoured_her_offer/
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I used to have a drug problem

But now I can afford it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0gjmg/i_used_to_have_a_drug_problem/
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A guy goes fishing with Jesus in a small boat.

In the excitement of bringing in a fish one of the paddles gets dislodged and starts to float away. No problem I'll go get it says Jesus, and he just steps out and walks over to where it is and picks it up casually walking back to the boat.
Later his friends are asking him about their time on the water curious about his day with Jesus.
Well it's the craziest thing he says, I don't think he can swim!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ggbu/a_guy_goes_fishing_with_jesus_in_a_small_boat/
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A 12 year old boy goes into the confession box and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0gez8/a_12_year_old_boy_goes_into_the_confession_box/
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My dad died this day last year because we didn’t know his blood type to get a transfusion..

As he was dying he kept saying “be positive” but it was just so hard without him :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0gcrs/my_dad_died_this_day_last_year_because_we_didnt/
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An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch care. The first vet who was from Vienna took a long look it it and soon gave up, having no clue how to cure the hog. The second vet who was from Limerick gave up after an hour. One by one the high profile vets took turns and became frustrated when they could not ease the hog's suffering. Suddenly the front door flew open and a man stroms in, pulls a vial from his coat and pours the contents down the hog's throat causing the hog to immediately perk up. The man then turned to the billionaire and said "It took me longer than I thought to get here from Madrid but I knew the swine cure-all I've invented would take care of any problem the animal may have!" "Thank you sir! Bless you sir!" Exclaimed the old man, "I had no idea such a thing existed but I am forever in your debt! I just wish you would have told me you were coming and that you had a cure." The vet then turned to him and said
.
.
.
"No one expects the Spanish pig physician!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0g4yo/an_eccentric_billionaires_beloved_pet_hog_was/
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There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door.  The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.
The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer considered him for a moment, then shouts up the stairs "Flo! It's Joe, come to take you to the show. Get ready to go!"
So, Flo and Joe leave for the show.
Before too long, there's another knock at the door. Again, the old farmer gets up and opens the door with his shotgun already aimed at the young man stranding there.
After a minute, the daughter's sweetie begins to speak, "Hello sir. My name is Freddy and I'm here for Betty. We're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The old man lowers his weapon and says loudly "Betty! It's Freddy. You're going for spaghetti, so get ready!"
So, Betty and Freddy go out for spaghetti.
Finally, only the youngest daughter is left in the home. A few minutes pass before there's another knock at the front door. Just as before, the farmer yanks the door open and points his gun at the fellow there.
The happy beau says "Hi, my name is Chuck!"
So the farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0g22y/theres_an_old_farmer_with_3_beautiful_daughters/
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a desert

The three friends have been walking for ages and ages, all three think they're going to die there.
Eventually, the Englishman finds a lamp, and he gives it a rub.
A genie pops out and says "each of you can have one wish".
"I want to go home!" the Englishman says, poofing away from the desert
"I want to go home too!" the Scotsman says, poofing, again, away from the desert.
The Irishman, looking quite upset, says
"I want my friends back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0g1zh/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_are_in_a/
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A middle aged man is turning 40 and he's feeling severely depressed,

so he decides he'll treat himself to a prostitute. He and his companion for the evening retire to a motel room and he sits down on the side of the bed. The john starts untying his shoes and eventually slips off his socks.
In utter shock, the lady of the night gasps and says "What the fuck is wrong with your feet?"
His toes are crooked and gnarled, but the man has a perfectly good reason for this.
"When I was young, the doctors diagnosed me with Toelio."
A look of confusion washes over her face. "Toelio? You surely must mean Polio." she says.
"Similar, but it only affected my toes."
He stands and unbuttons his pants, and unzips his fly. He wiggles out of his slacks only to reveal pockmarks and scarring all over his knees.
"And your knees? What in the hell is going on there?" she asks.
"Well, I grew up in an anti-vaccination household so I caught Kneesles as a teenager and it left an awful reminder behind, I'm lucky to be alive." he replied.
"Kneesles, Measles.. Okay, I get it now." she says, wondering what she got herself into.
So the john stands there in his tighties of white and sighs.
"Okay, lets do this." He grabs his underwear by the elastic and drops them to his feet.
Suddenly the hooker breaks out in a fit of laughter. "Let me guess, Small Cox!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0g142/a_middle_aged_man_is_turning_40_and_hes_feeling/
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My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!

Never knew he was a barber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0fy09/my_local_barber_was_arrested_for_selling_drugs_i/
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Is Goose from Captain Marvel a good character?

You're flerken right he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0fxcv/is_goose_from_captain_marvel_a_good_character/
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Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From a well, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0frni/where_does_a_mansplainer_get_his_water/
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Whats the national dish of ethiopia? Dont know?

Neither do they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0fr9i/whats_the_national_dish_of_ethiopia_dont_know/
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this naked man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died right then and there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and one of my favorite hobbies is dancing around naked while eating pickles out of a glass jar. As I was doing so the other day, I slipped on an errant pickle and slipped over the balcony. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but thankfully I fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.  I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world, but a refrigerator fell out of the sky and crushed me to death!"
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. The man responds:
"I died naked inside a refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0fm2m/three_men_were_standing_in_line_to_get_into/
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Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.

Bad joke. Only three stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0fh2b/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
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A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ff3n/a_moron_attempted_to_commit_suicide/
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Whats irish and stays out all night.

Paddy-o furniture!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ferl/whats_irish_and_stays_out_all_night/
%
Just saw the Michael Jackson documentary

I didn’t realize how many kids were butt-hurt after Leaving Neverland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0fc19/just_saw_the_michael_jackson_documentary/
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Get Your Own Dirt

God was once approached by a scientist who said, “Listen God, we’ve decided we don’t need you anymore. These days we can clone people, transplant organs and do all sorts of things that used to be considered miraculous.”
God replied, “Don’t need me huh? How about we put your theory to the test. Why don’t we have a competition to see who can make a human being, say, a male human being.”
The scientist agrees, so God declares they should do it like he did in the good old days when he created Adam.
“Fine” says the scientist as he bends down to scoop up a handful of dirt.”
“Whoa!” says God, shaking his head in disapproval. “Not so fast. You get your own dirt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0faut/get_your_own_dirt/
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from amazon...

I’ll let you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0f88w/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon/
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How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know, but it's not five, because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0f7ol/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest actually does something when it’s triggered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ez78/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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What 4 animals does a woman like to have in her house?

A tiger in bed
A mink in the closet
A jaguar in the garage
and a jackass to pay for it all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ervf/what_4_animals_does_a_woman_like_to_have_in_her/
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I killed a chicken.

It was murder most fowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ernv/i_killed_a_chicken/
%
An anti-vax rally ended earlier today...

...Due to an outbreak of the measles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0erea/an_antivax_rally_ended_earlier_today/
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Bill & Hillary are on a trip back to Arkansas..

They're almost out of gas, so Bill pulls into a service station on the outskirts of town. The attendant runs out of the station to serve them when Hillary realizes it's an old boyfriend from high school.
She and the attendant chat as he gases up their car and cleans the windows. Then they all say good-bye.
As Bill pulls the car onto the road, he turns to Hillary and says: "Now aren't you glad you married me and not him? You could've been the wife of a grease monkey!"
To which Hillary replied: "No Bill. If I would have married him you'd be pumping gas, and he would be the President."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0eml1/bill_hillary_are_on_a_trip_back_to_arkansas/
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

7 is a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0eine/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
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Why did the scarecrow deserve an award?

He was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0eguj/why_did_the_scarecrow_deserve_an_award/
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I didnt see anything

An iranian, an english, and a french lady decide to tell their husbands that they are tired from doing chores and they dont want to do housework anymore.
After a week they reported the results as such:
The english lady: I didn't see anything the first three days but on the fourth day my husband told me i love you and gave me a kiss before going to work.
The french lady: I also didn't see anything for three days but on the fourth day my husband brought me breakfast in bed and took the day off just to spend time with me.
The iranian lady: I didn't see anything for five days. Fortunately though on the sixth day, i could see a little bit through my left eye!
This one is a classic in iran. I hope i translated it well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ee0f/i_didnt_see_anything/
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This "PC" crap is getting ridiculous... A door greeter at my local Walmart got fired for wishing two little girls a Merry Christmas!

I mean, it was August and he wasn't wearing pants, but still...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0eaiz/this_pc_crap_is_getting_ridiculous_a_door_greeter/
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Who gets married faster than anyone else?

Two horny christians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0e8qg/who_gets_married_faster_than_anyone_else/
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Outside my school there is an unfortunate tree

It has been hit by a car, struck by lightning, and now infested with termites.
What a poor sap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0e1s2/outside_my_school_there_is_an_unfortunate_tree/
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How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?

Their username checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0e13m/how_do_you_know_when_a_reddit_user_has_left_their/
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I'm worried my wife is going to make our baby too materialistic.

Every time she tickles the baby, she says "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0dyy3/im_worried_my_wife_is_going_to_make_our_baby_too/
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What did Hermione's boyfriend do when he heard she was pregnant?

He ron off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0dyn4/what_did_hermiones_boyfriend_do_when_he_heard_she/
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I think my wife is putting glue on my antique gun collection.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0dwi6/i_think_my_wife_is_putting_glue_on_my_antique_gun/
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The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0du48/the_doctor_gave_me_4_months_to_live_so_i_shot_him/
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I explained to my son how batons are used in relay races, and he understood right away.

I gotta hand it to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0dswy/i_explained_to_my_son_how_batons_are_used_in/
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A bartender broke up with her boyfriend,

but he kept asking her for another shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0dnz6/a_bartender_broke_up_with_her_boyfriend/
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what did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

she gagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0dlgb/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.
GF: Aww thanks
Me: You need plastic surgery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0dlg4/my_girlfriend_wants_to_put_on_her_makeup/
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What did the censorship manager tell his employee?

Get the fuck out of here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0d9dm/what_did_the_censorship_manager_tell_his_employee/
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The Arizona Wildlife World Zoo refused to euthanize the panther that killed a woman who jumped into its enclosure to take a selfie...

...making it the first black entity to ever successfully invoke the Castle Doctrine/Stand Your Ground against a white entity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0d8hy/the_arizona_wildlife_world_zoo_refused_to/
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What do you call a stolen tesla?

An edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0d7dw/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?

Potential employee: Shape shifting. Interviewer: Really? Interviewer: Yes. Interviewer: Shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0d769/interviewer_whats_your_greatest_strength/
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How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0d6j4/how_is_a_girlfriend_like_a_laxative/
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Yo mama's so fat

Her favorite game show is Wheel of Four Chins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0d440/yo_mamas_so_fat/
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Knock knock. Who’s there? Lemmy. Lemmy who?

Lemme the fuck inside asshole it’s cold out here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0d3aa/knock_knock_whos_there_lemmy_lemmy_who/
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Chess Joke

You know chess is like a mirror image of real life in a lot of ways. For instance the person playing as black doesn't always lose, but they generally have to work a lot harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0d31y/chess_joke/
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what year is it?

A time traveller walks up to a bar 3 months ago and says

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0cxni/what_year_is_it/
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I've been reading this sub for a couple of hours, and I'm fed up.

With the amount of reposts on here, I feel like I've already Reddit all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0cosj/ive_been_reading_this_sub_for_a_couple_of_hours/
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How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0cmv9/how_do_you_make_five_pounds_of_fat_look_good/
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Why did the mumble rapper broke out of the prison?

Because he couldn't complete his sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0clst/why_did_the_mumble_rapper_broke_out_of_the_prison/
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Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0clq7/two_vultures_board_an_airplane_each_carrying_two/
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An anesthesiologist asks his colleague, "Man I borrow some chloroform?"

"Knock yourself out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0cif2/an_anesthesiologist_asks_his_colleague_man_i/
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Why do Swedish warships have barcodes?

So that when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0cdlj/why_do_swedish_warships_have_barcodes/
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Where is the best place to cheat on someone.

A Ferris wheel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0c9h2/where_is_the_best_place_to_cheat_on_someone/
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Well how nice!

Two older southern women recently rekindle a friendship after many, many years. They decide to meet for tea and discuss their lives.
The first older lady, starts telling the second about all the wonderful things her husband has done for her over her life. “See this big ol ring right here on my finger? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well how nice.”
First lady, “See that big ol nice car out there? My husband bought me that, because he loves me”
Second lady, “Well how nice.”
First lady pulls out her phone and starts showing the other pictures of her house. “See this big ol house right here? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well how nice.”
First lady, “Well now, I’ve been going on and on about my husband, what has yours done for you?”
Second lady, “Well my husband sent me to finishing school.”
First lady, incredulous, “Now why would he do something like that?”
Second lady, “So I’d learn to say things like ‘Well how nice’ instead of fuck you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0bwi9/well_how_nice/
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Ride to heaven.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner,  your way across the bridge to Heaven will be decided ”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated thrice ”. The angel gives him an old model pick-up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".
The guy looks up and says “How?! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0btru/ride_to_heaven/
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What do you call a female rapper?

38.5 Cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0bt8y/what_do_you_call_a_female_rapper/
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Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0bt32/why_do_laptops_weigh_more_in_the_uk_compared_to/
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There was a new guy in town looking for some action...

He meets a guy at a new job and asks him where he can find a lady of the night. The friend tells the new guy he can find one downtown and she only costs 25 bucks!
The guy doesnt have much money at the time so he asks his friend for some. The friend says "Well, i cant loan you any money, but I can give you this duck. See what you can get for it."
So the man takes the duck to the hooker and offers the duck instead of 25 bucks. The hooker thinks on it and finaly accepts the offer. After an hour of passionate love making, the hooker tells the man, "That was the greatest sex I've ever had! Here, take your duck back. It's on the house!"
So the man walks back home with the duck in tow, when all of a sudden, a car runs over and kills the duck. The driver jumps out and says "Oh no! Im so sorry! What can I do to make up for this?" The man replies "Well...you can give me 25 bucks..."
So the next day the man arrives to work and his friend asks him how it went.
The man says "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 bucks for a fucked up duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0bszk/there_was_a_new_guy_in_town_looking_for_some/
%
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said:

"I can't believe how intoxicated you are"
Denying it I said,
"I'm not drunk"
"Yes you are", she says
"No I'm NOT", I reply
" Can you tell the time?"
So I walked up the clock and said,
"I'm not drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0brn8/i_got_home_from_the_pub_last_night_and_my_wife/
%
What did the sad chickpea say?

I falafel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0br6z/what_did_the_sad_chickpea_say/
%
The anti-vaxx couple could not understand why their 2-year old was crying

Everyone cries when they go through a mid-life crisis, duh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0bqf4/the_antivaxx_couple_could_not_understand_why/
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What’s black and white and red all over?

Charlottesville. In 2017

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0bqbb/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
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A man who is well-known for overindulging at elaborate dinners is feeling abdominal pain and goes to his doctor. He asks, "Doc, is it my appendix?"

The doctor replies "No, I think it is more like your table of contents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0bpzz/a_man_who_is_wellknown_for_overindulging_at/
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[OC] One day I went waterfowl hunting...

As I sat still in my boat, I quietly scanned the area. I heard a rustling in the bushes along the shore. As I looked over to where I heard the noise, I saw two beautiful Mallards step out of from the cover of the shrubbery. As they were walking they stopped briefly and started pooping. I knew this was my chance. I raised my gun to aim, the corner of my mouth twitching into a smirk as I realized they would be easy targets.
They were shitting ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0bo07/oc_one_day_i_went_waterfowl_hunting/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Sorry if this is recycled, I just heard it a second ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0bnqi/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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It always feels so much better when you have a wank with a dead arm...

...but apparently, I ruined that funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0bj29/it_always_feels_so_much_better_when_you_have_a/
%
Michael Avenatti is no longer representing Stormy Daniels

In other words - he pulled out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0bgq9/michael_avenatti_is_no_longer_representing_stormy/
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After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0bdnj/after_you_die_what_part_of_the_human_body_is_the/
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3 men are in line for heaven

So three men are in the line for heaven and there is a new rule. When you approach the gates you have to say how you died and then you get in
So in the line, there are two fully dressed men and then a naked man
The angel says please come up and a dressed man does
The angel said "how did you die"
The man then told the story of how he died
I was suspecting my wife was cheating on me so I had a plan. I acted like I was leaving for work but I waited an hour and cake back in while also having trouble with the door, when I finally get in I see my assumption was right. I found my wife naked under the covers of our bed. In a blind rage, I go searching around my house, I saw a man hanging from the balcony so I grabbed a knife and I stabbed his fingers a hundred times. He then fell but I noticed he was still alive so I grabbed the fridge then throw it on him when I finally realized what I have done, I took my own life because I couldn't live with myself knowing I killed someone.
The angel said "wow ok you can come in"
The angel then said "next person approach"
The other fully dressed man approached and told the angel how he died and he said
Well, I was biking down the road and I was enjoying my day when I see a truck turn the corner fast. I didn't have time to swerve so I got hit and fling into the air and I caught a balcony. Then after 10 seconds, I hear a door slam and a guy comes running towards me with a knife and stabs my fingers and I fall. I thought it was a miracle how I was alive. I opened my eyes to see a fridge fall on me and that's how I died.
The angel said with a surprised look on his face "ok you may enter"
The angel said "next in line please"
The naked man approached and the angel said "how did you die"
The naked man then says "I was hiding in a fridge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0b7u3/3_men_are_in_line_for_heaven/
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Germans are so nice.

It's almost like they're trying to make up for something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0b2e9/germans_are_so_nice/
%
[Long] This wealthy couple from New York made a trip down south...

To visit some relatives that retired down in Florida. They were big foodies and decided to make a stop in Tennessee because they had never had good southern food but had heard how good it was. They find a hole in the wall southern food joint and pulled their new Range Rover in between two old beat up trucks.
The restaurant wasn't really full yet because it was just before 11am but they were hungry from the long drive. Their were only 2 middle aged men sitting at a table in the corner of the room. They were wearing overalls that were dirty and they probably had 10 teeth between the both of them. Excited to try the food, the young rich couple got a little of everything but was most excited to try the fried chicken. While the wife is taking a picture of her food, her husband begins to choke on a chicken bone. The wife freaks out and starts screaming for someone to help. The two hillbillies in the corner calmly stand up, walk over to the couple and one man unbuckles is overalls, pulls them down and bends over the table next to the couple. The other hillbilly gets on his knees and starts licking the other hillbilly's asshole. All of a sudden the husband begins to gag as he sees a man licking another man's asshole. The husband then throws up from being completely grossed out and along with it the chicken bone, saving his life.
The two hillbillies stand up and as they are walking back to their lunch, the 1st hillbilly says " See there Jim Bo, I told ya that there hind lick maneuver would work"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0b066/long_this_wealthy_couple_from_new_york_made_a/
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After recently getting into dating apps I came to the conclusion that Tinder is a lot like Little Caesars...

if you want it hot and ready, you're gonna have to take a hit on quality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0aywn/after_recently_getting_into_dating_apps_i_came_to/
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I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.

I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ay0p/i_used_to_make_extra_money_by_selling_illegal/
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When my girlfriend drives and I'm the passenger, I don't think she's a terrible driver...

I think, "At least we'll die together."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ax4w/when_my_girlfriend_drives_and_im_the_passenger_i/
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What did the man with leprosy say to the stripper?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0atls/what_did_the_man_with_leprosy_say_to_the_stripper/
%
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0ap61/several_centuries_ago_the_pope_decreed_that_all/
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I asked my boss what to do with this huge roll of bubble wrap

He said, just pop it there in the corner.
It took me 4 goddamn hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0alec/i_asked_my_boss_what_to_do_with_this_huge_roll_of/
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My poor reading skills ruined my future as a pimp

But now I own a warehouse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0akn2/my_poor_reading_skills_ruined_my_future_as_a_pimp/
%
If Virgin olive oil is good, and Extra Virgin olive oil is better...

Incel olive oil must be amazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0agnw/if_virgin_olive_oil_is_good_and_extra_virgin/
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Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the jobs

now he's just a handyman!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0afe4/our_maintenance_guy_lost_his_legs_on_the_jobs/
%
When I was younger, my mother always used to tuck me in.

I think she secretly wanted a girl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0af4n/when_i_was_younger_my_mother_always_used_to_tuck/
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Watching games I want to play on YouTube is like watching porn.

I can’t afford it in real life, so I just watch somebody else do it on the internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0a6xa/watching_games_i_want_to_play_on_youtube_is_like/
%
Did you hear about the Greek bricklayer who lied a lot?

He would always con Crete.
Joke from my neighbour, Slade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0a5c9/did_you_hear_about_the_greek_bricklayer_who_lied/
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The weirdest thing I saw yesterday was my nerdy Redditor friend getting in a bar fight with a clown.

It was virgin on the ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0a4k5/the_weirdest_thing_i_saw_yesterday_was_my_nerdy/
%
I got hit in the head with a can of soda?

Luckily, it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0a4ji/i_got_hit_in_the_head_with_a_can_of_soda/
%
How many redditors does it take to come up with an original joke?

Apparently more than 15.8 million.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b09zj0/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_come_up_with/
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A husband and wife have a tif.

Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b09y44/a_husband_and_wife_have_a_tif/
%
“I can’t believe that you’ve been cheating on me with prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You cannot blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”
“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b09qlg/i_cant_believe_that_youve_been_cheating_on_me/
%
Miss, my watch tells me you have no panties on.

But I do have panties on!
Oh sorry, it's ahead of time again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b09lhb/miss_my_watch_tells_me_you_have_no_panties_on/
%
What do Bruce Lee and the Donkey from Shrek have in common?

They have both entered the dragon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b09itk/what_do_bruce_lee_and_the_donkey_from_shrek_have/
%
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.

He said he'd be right back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b09isz/a_while_back_my_father_told_me_an_awful_dad_joke/
%
I took a hitchhiker.

After some time, he asked me:
"Do you take hitchhikers often?"
I nodded my head.
Then he asked: "Aren't you afraid, that one of them will be a serial killer?"
"No, I am not afraid," I answered, "There's only a very small probability, that two serial killers meet in one car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b09dnu/i_took_a_hitchhiker/
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Cheating Wives

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?"
The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home.
The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!"
The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!"
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE... I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b097f4/cheating_wives/
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My dogs can see one year into the future...

Because houndsight is 20/20

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b09670/my_dogs_can_see_one_year_into_the_future/
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There was this old man

Sitting on his porch watching the rain fall pretty hard. Soon the water was coming over the porch and overflowing into the house.
The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."
The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.
An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
Again the old man refused to leave and with full persuasion stated that, "God will save me!" So the boat left him again.
Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "I sent three boats after you! What else did you want me to do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b093j4/there_was_this_old_man/
%
Beer nuts for $1.25 a bag.

Deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b08zb0/beer_nuts_for_125_a_bag/
%
My girlfriend told me that she loves me like the way she loves her brother

Only time that I wasn’t happy being invited to a threesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b08rrq/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_she_loves_me_like_the/
%
Why did Donkey Kong go to the dentist?

He had tooth DK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b08qbc/why_did_donkey_kong_go_to_the_dentist/
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An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.  The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b08paz/an_elderly_gent_was_invited_to_an_old_friends/
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Some girls play hard to get

I just play hard to want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b08ofh/some_girls_play_hard_to_get/
%
Idk why flies can walk on walls,

But when I do it I’m “possessed” and “need an excorsicm.”
Sick of people these days smh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b08mqv/idk_why_flies_can_walk_on_walls/
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Why did Selena Gomez dump The Weeknd on a Monday?

She wished The Weeknd was longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b08hoz/why_did_selena_gomez_dump_the_weeknd_on_a_monday/
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What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in 7 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b08gk0/whats_7_inches_long_and_hasnt_been_sucked_in_7/
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Im conflicted when it comes to abortion

On the one hand - I support it because it kills children on the other hand it gives women a choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b08gjf/im_conflicted_when_it_comes_to_abortion/
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Fire at the Pub

A firehouse got a call about a pub. The firemen rushed there to see the place ablaze. They could hear someone calling for help from inside. Two of them ran in to see an Irishman trapped under debris. They were able to pull him out as the rest of them fought the fire. One of his rescuers asked how the fire started. The Irishman looked up at him and said, "I don't know, it was like this when I got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b08dxs/fire_at_the_pub/
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Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?

It was a grave mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b08cwp/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_was_accidentally/
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A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?

Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b08bzt/a_little_boy_asks_grandpa_to_make_a_noise_like_a/
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I just was a bit drunk and accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles tonight.....

Going for a shit tomorrow morning could spell TROUBLE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b08b6t/i_just_was_a_bit_drunk_and_accidentally_swallowed/
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I just asked Siri for a wake up call...

She sent a photo of me, surrounded by empty pizza boxes and beer cans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b088n1/i_just_asked_siri_for_a_wake_up_call/
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Dad's joke: What kind of bee can never be understood?

A mumble-bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b087do/dads_joke_what_kind_of_bee_can_never_be_understood/
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The etymology of the word "politics" is actually very interesting

It is derived from the Greek prefix "poly", meaning "many"
And "ticks", meaning "blood sucking parasites"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b085px/the_etymology_of_the_word_politics_is_actually/
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What do you call it when a 4 foot person goes on a merry go round?

A midget spinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b083ke/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_4_foot_person_goes_on/
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The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0830h/the_chinese_doctor_the_lawyer/
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I will always remember my grandpa’s last words.

“Hey! Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b081n5/i_will_always_remember_my_grandpas_last_words/
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I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad did.

But not like the children in the school bus with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b081ep/id_like_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my_dad/
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A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."
PS:- Full disclosure - saw this joke in one of the comments - Just putting it here to spread the joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b07yr1/a_hillbilly_walked_into_an_attorneys_office/
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Watching Childbith

The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labor is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come in?"
"Oh, no," the man shook his head.
The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labor progressed smoothly.
As the birth neared, the nurse returned to the man, now pacing frantically in the hall.
"She's doing so well," she assured him. "Wouldn't you like to at least come in and see her?"
The man seemed to hesitate slightly, then shook his head again, "No, no, I couldn't do that."
He jingled car keys in his sweaty palm and resumed his pacing.
The nurse went back into the room and coached Mom's valiant efforts in pushing the baby into the world.
As the baby's head began to exit the birth canal, the nurse raced to the hall, grabbed the man by his elbow, and dragged him to the bedside saying, "You have got to see this!"
At that very moment, the baby boy was born and placed on the tummy of the mother whose radiant smile shone through her tears.
The man began to cry openly. Turning to the nurse, he sobbed, "You were right! This is the greatest moment in my life!"
By now, the nurse, too, was tearful. She put her arm around him, and he rested his head on her shoulder. She soothed, "No one should miss the birth of their son."
"This isn't my son," the man blubbered. "This isn't even my wife. I've never seen her before in my life. I was just bringing the car keys to my buddy across the hall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b07t3a/watching_childbith/
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Did you hear the joke about the German sausage?

It was the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b07r4z/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_german_sausage/
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Why did the chicken go to the medium?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b07nim/why_did_the_chicken_go_to_the_medium/
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Making love for the first time

Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical"
so after we made love
***i disappeared***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b07lso/making_love_for_the_first_time/
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A rhinoceros walks into a bar

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the rhino, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the rhino abruptly gets up and returns home.
The next night, the woman goes to his place. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The rhino pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." he then says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a rhinoceros. Look it up."
She is about to protest when the rhino hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "rhinoceros" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Rhinoceros: Eats bush and leaves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b07l8l/a_rhinoceros_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife walked in on me while I was masturbating. Immediately I shouted, "Shut the door!"

She said, "Then get inside!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b07l1v/my_wife_walked_in_on_me_while_i_was_masturbating/
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New scientific study claims that fertility is

Heriditary. If your parents didn't have any children, there's a 100% chance you won't either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b07kzd/new_scientific_study_claims_that_fertility_is/
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Two hookers were standing on a street corner

They started discussing business and one of them said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other one looked at her and said, "No, no. I just burped.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b07hl4/two_hookers_were_standing_on_a_street_corner/
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Did you hear about the geometry teacher who left his parrot's cage open?

Polygon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b07hjl/did_you_hear_about_the_geometry_teacher_who_left/
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Catch me if you can

John is pretty overweight and struggles to loose weight. He finds an add that guarantees weight loss up to 50 pounds in 3 sessions. Sceptical at first he makes an appointment.
On his first appointment he is greeted and shown to a room where the treatment will proceed. He enters the room but immediately afterwards the door closes and gets locked from the outside.
Inside the room a really beautiful young woman is standing, completely naked saying:
"If you catch me we can have sex"
John is really excited and starts chasing after her for hours until he finally succeeds.
He loses about 10 pounds during this process.
Next appointment same thing happens, big door, locked but even a more beautiful woman awaits him. Again she says:
"If you can catch me we can have sex "
Again he chases after her and after 5 hours finally  gets her.
The third time John is really excited as he can't imagine any more beautiful women than this plus he's already down 20 pounds and became pretty swift and agile. Still, he makes the third appointment.
Same procedure, door, room, locks from outside.
There stands nude guy, huge cock and says:
"If I catch you we'll have sex."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b07blj/catch_me_if_you_can/
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How does a logician explain why long lines tend to form at the restroom after a movie?

If a lot of people have to urinate, a long line will tend to form.  A lot of people *do* have to urinate after a movie, and thus there is a long restroom line. Put a bit more formally:
Pee implies queue. Pee, therefore queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b07awb/how_does_a_logician_explain_why_long_lines_tend/
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I love dry erase boards.

They're remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0798r/i_love_dry_erase_boards/
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My left-handed friend writes weird answers to questions.

He can't be right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0785s/my_lefthanded_friend_writes_weird_answers_to/
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A child sex offender moves to my neighborhood.

Required by law to go door to door and state his case, he arrives on my doorstep to inform me.
Man: Although I am a man of God, I lost my way on two occasions.  But you see, I asked God for forgiveness and I am assured that He will forgive me.  I hope you can find it in your heart to do the same.
Me: Two occasions you say?  So, are you saying God will forgive you for the same sin...twice?
Man: yes, I’m sure that at least your second strike will be forgiven if you ask forgiveness.
Me:  We’ll, I’m glad to hear that.  Cause up until today, I only killed one child molester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b076qd/a_child_sex_offender_moves_to_my_neighborhood/
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A woman joins the army....

A woman was walking through a store when she noticed a colorful flyer pinned to a billboard. It reads:
JOIN THE ARMY NOW! You will receive benefits such as:
• Free college education
• Many veteran benefits
• Experience in many fields of work
• Travel
• Any free car after a special base trial
The woman took the flyer home and gave it much thought. Although she was close to 40, if she joined the military she could finally afford to go to college, get a good job and make more money for her son and husband.
Her family supports her and she after she enlists, the army makes some exceptions and she successfully joins.
After undergoing training, traveling around a little, shes stationed at a base somewhere in afganistan.
As shes doing her base work, she starts thinking about her family. Her son is going to be 16 soon and is going to get his lisence. Her husband works overtime every week to make mortgage and isnt home at all. They will need a second car if they're going to make everything work once she gets back.
She heads over to her superior and asks about the "free car" she read about in flyer before she joined the army. She wanted to spend her last 6 months in the army trying to get this car.
"Oh yes! The army do these trials to improve efficiency on base and provides an incentive to do so. Because this is the first year, they've made it easy. Just guard every lookout station at least an hour per station every day until the trial is over."
It seemed easy enough but after a few days it proved rather difficult.
She would wake up, do her exercises, guard one station, move to the next an hour later, do more exercises, guard another, do her base work, guard another, train, and guard another until she went back to sleep.
She kept this up for her last 6 months in the army, spending any breaks she had going from lookout station to station until the trial and her service in the army was over.
Her superior then held a meeting with her the day before she was headed home.
"I've never seen a soldier as determined as you during that trial! You deserve to ride around in any vehicle you want. When you get back, a certificate with be mailed to you. Just show the certificate to any car dealership you want and they will be obligated to give you any car for free"
The woman thanked her superior and headed home. Once she landed, her husband and son were so happy to see her home.
"Honey I'm so glad you're finally home, we've been so eager to see you. We can start this new life we've been talking about" said the husband.
"Yeah Ma, I'm excited too! I've been wanting to surprise you. I applied to a bunch of colleges already and 3 already accepted me!" said the son.
"Well I have a surprise for you guys too. If you're headed to college soon, you need something to ride around in! You ready? The army gave me a brand new car! Any car of my choosing in fact!"
The husband and son look at each other with confused faces and asked her what she was talking about.
"I told you before I joined the army about the car. There was this trial on the base I was stationed at. All I had to do every day for 6 months was go from one lookout post to the other until I covered all of them in one day. It was hard work, but it paid off"
The husband and son still looked confused.
"Are you sure honey? I dont remember the 'any free car' thing. The military isnt some game show" asked the husband.
"No really! It was on the flyer I first showed you! What's so hard to believe?"
"Well, think about it" said the son. "I find it hard to believe a bunch of re-posting would get you any free car, Ma"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b072zv/a_woman_joins_the_army/
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And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b072ea/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts meating

I see a lot of new faces today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0717a/welcome_to_the_plastic_surgery_addicts_meating/
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I asked my religious friend why he doesn't like math

He replied "cos it's a sin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b06wlj/i_asked_my_religious_friend_why_he_doesnt_like/
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If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b06i61/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_didnt_understand/
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Yo mama so old,

She remembers the first repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b06f3t/yo_mama_so_old/
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A man walks into a bar.

Bartender: Get the hell out of here I'm sick of your damn jokes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b06euu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a girl with one leg?

Eileen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0691i/what_do_you_call_a_girl_with_one_leg/
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My girlfriend is like pi plus the square root of negative one.

Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b065c7/my_girlfriend_is_like_pi_plus_the_square_root_of/
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Bff: You don't even have gf

Me: I got 55 bitches at Reddit
(Cause karma is a bitch).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0645h/bff_you_dont_even_have_gf/
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Sex jokes aren’t funny

I mean cum on people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b062qf/sex_jokes_arent_funny/
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Most people are blaming FIFA for awarding Qatar the 2022 World Cup because of the Extreme Heat.

Well I am not worried about it because of the fans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b061y1/most_people_are_blaming_fifa_for_awarding_qatar/
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Why do Jewish men like to watch porn movies backwards?

Cause they like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b061c6/why_do_jewish_men_like_to_watch_porn_movies/
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A few days ago, I finally learnt what confirmation bias means.

Now I see it everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b060ss/a_few_days_ago_i_finally_learnt_what_confirmation/
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A nurse met with an accident

... and was brought to the hospital. Her injuries are not severe, but the surgeon opts for general anesthesia anyway. Just as he was about to complete the minor surgery, the patient wakes up, in shock, and would like to know what is going on.
“I’m just about to close the nasty gash,” the surgeon said.
The patient got paranoid and said, “I’m not going to let you do that. I’m a senior nurse, I can close my own wound.”
The surgeon hands her the thread and said, “Suture self”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b060nc/a_nurse_met_with_an_accident/
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Roses are red, violets are blue

How hard is it, to leave the EU?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b05zmm/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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Friends are like snowflakes

If you pee on them, they go away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b05z9n/friends_are_like_snowflakes/
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What's long, brown, hard and sticky.

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b05y4z/whats_long_brown_hard_and_sticky/
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One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b05voj/one_day_a_wife_came_home_early_and_found_her/
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Garden shears will never be outdated.

After all, it's cutting-hedge technology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b05sbs/garden_shears_will_never_be_outdated/
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I got an icy handjob from Elsa last week

But three seconds in I was screaming “Let it go! Let it go!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b05rdd/i_got_an_icy_handjob_from_elsa_last_week/
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Wearing Crocs is a lot like getting a blowjob from another guy

It feels good until you look down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b05pwg/wearing_crocs_is_a_lot_like_getting_a_blowjob/
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A bear is chasing a squirrel in the woods.

They cross a river when, all of a sudden, the river genie appears. Genie: "Well, shit. Two customers. I don't know who triggered this whole thing, so lemme give you 3 wishes. Bear, you start, since you're bigger." Bear thinks for a moment. He smiles: "Ok, I want all the other bears in this forest to be females." Genie grants the wish, turns to squirrel. Squirrel thinks. He looks up to the genie: "I want a motorcycle."
Bear shakes his head: "Squirrel, you don't know how to wish." Genie then asked the bear for his second wish. Bear responds: "All right, I want all the other bears in the COUNTRY to be females." Genie grants the wish.
Genie turns to squirrel: "How about it?" Squirrel responds: "Gimme a motorcycle helmet."
Bear shakes his head again. "What's wrong with you?" Genie then turns once more to bear and asked for final wish. "You know what? I want all the other bears in the WORLD to be female." Genie grants the wish, then turns to squirrel.
Squirrel grabs his helmet, puts it on. He then walks to the motorcycle, gets on it. He starts it, runs the engine a little. As he rides away, not looking back, he yells: "I WANT THE BEAR TO BE GAY!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b05mie/a_bear_is_chasing_a_squirrel_in_the_woods/
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lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches the last house on the run, owned by an incredibly buxom and attractive blonde, who was always friendly enough, and her very wealthy husband, whom the postman was sure never really liked him. as he pulls up he notices that the husbands car is already gone and this brightens the postman's mood a little as he knows he won't need to deal with the mans snide comments. ringing the doorbell and awaiting the wife's response the postman is nearly struck down with shock as the woman opens the door wearing nothing but a smile and, grabbing the postman by the tie, pulls him into the house, leads him up to her bedroom, and proceeds to fuck his brains out for the next half hour. still in a state of confusion but exceptionally pleased with how the last day of his carrier has gone, he is lead by the still naked woman to the kitchen where he is presented with a crisp, new $1 note and told to take a seat at the table. after a few minutes the woman, still displaying her ample assets serves the postman a full breakfast and asks what he'd like to drink, needing something to calm his nerves a little he asks for a scotch, one is poured and at last the woman puts on a dressing gown and sits down to breakfast with the postman. having finished off half the whisky he was poured the postman summons up enough courage to try and put his confusion to rest. trying very hard to keep his eyes on the wife's face and off her cleavage he says " Ma'am please do not think I am in anyway ungrateful for what you have just done for me, this has been far and away the best retirement present I've received today but I have to ask, why? you're a married woman , and beyond that you are married to a man who really doesn't like me and would, I'm sure, be very upset at the level of err,... *hospitality*, you've just shown me. and after all I am a simple postman. what did I do deserve the pleasures you've just given me?" The woman smiles sweetly and replies 'well when I found out you were retiring I felt we should do something special for you to mark the occasion,  I brought this idea up to my husband and asked what we should do to thank you, he said 'fuck the postman! give him a dollar' after a moments pause she adds 'the breakfast was my idea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b05j9b/lucky_mailman/
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Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).
After having studied for many months and having completed all the necessary readings of varied tomes, Sarah was taught the most simple forms of fortune telling - reading the future from tea leaves in a cup, or the casting of chicken bones - but it wasn't until two years of studying that she finally graduated to the most renowned tool of all fortune tellers, the crystal ball.
Madame Lointain explained the process to her. First an old sack cloth needed to be laid across the table, then the crystal ball was placed on the cloth. Finally the fortune teller should touch the crystal ball lightly with the very tip of their fingers and allow the divination to flow through them. When this process was complete, the crystal ball would cloud before showing the user a vision of the future.
Sarah followed the steps and touched the crystal ball. There was a tingling sensation, the ball clouded, and she had the briefest of visions of herself as a fortune teller in her own village.
"Congratulations!" said Madame Lointain "You have passed the final test of fortune telling - the test of scrying - which means you are no longer a trainee but instead are a fully qualified fortune teller!"
Sarah was extremely pleased and immediately returned to her village, where she began preparing her house for her new business. She bought candles and incense, she bought a one-eyed cat and a toad, and she bought a set of good china, and the finest crystal ball she could find. Then she went to the market stall, where traders from Eastern lands sold their wares, and looked for a cloth to go beneath the crystal ball.
Sarah decided that an old sack cloth would look very shabby beneath her beautiful new crystal ball and instead found herself taken by a beautiful purple fabric on one of the stalls.
"What kind of fabric is this?" she asked.
"Why, you have an eye for quality," said the trader with a smile. "For this is made from the finest milled silk. It is good enough for royalty in fact."
Well, that swayed Sarah completely and she purchased the fabric and completed the set up of her business. She was ready to open to the public, finally.
To begin with, it was an immense success. She tossed chicken bones, she stirred tea leaves, but when she finally came to the climax of her display she found herself unable to see anything in the crystal ball. She strained, she pleaded inwardly, but it remained clear without a hint of cloudiness.
Sarah made an excuse and gave her customer a refund, seeing them off with a smile, but was terribly worried. She was *sure* that she had done everything properly but it was no use, she was no longer able to scry. In floods of tears, she sent a message to Madame Lointain pleading for help and shut up shop while she waited.
Three days later there was a knock at the door. Madame Lointain stepped inside and Sarah explained how she had lost the ability to successfully use the crystal ball.
Firstly, Madame Lointain checked the crystal ball but it was in perfect working order. For a moment she was slightly bewildered as to what could be wrong, but then she noticed the purple fabric on the table beneath it.
"Where is the sack cloth?" she asked.
"Oh," said Sarah, "I thought this was more beautiful. It is finest milled silk, good enough for royalty."
"Ah, well that explains it," said Madame Longtain with a sigh.
"It does?" asked Sarah.
"Of course!" said Madame Longtain, "Haven't you ever heard it's no use scrying over milled silk?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b05imz/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_trainee_fortune/
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath.

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger's hand and immediately he asked:
Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn't in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn't even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon.
Don't mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! - by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn't follow because he couldn't swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km's away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger:
Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? - the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn't care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard.
Priest, please be good... - the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked:
Son, why do you need it for God's sake? - the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village's locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time.
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
There you go, son - handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger's arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked:
But what do you need it for?! - panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest's hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest's face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest's fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked:
Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I'm very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it?
All right, priest ... - came the answer in a trembling tone - I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone.
The priest was good, and never told anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b05hq7/there_was_once_a_priest_who_went_to_see_the_world/
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What do you call a smug thief walking down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b05h48/what_do_you_call_a_smug_thief_walking_down_a/
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What's a pirate's favourite letter?

You'd think it's r but their first love is the c!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b059u6/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
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What's the difference between a fox and a dog?

About 8 pints of larger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b059sl/whats_the_difference_between_a_fox_and_a_dog/
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two astronauts are in the ISS cafeteria

astronaut 1: i can’t find the milk for my coffee
astronaut 2: in space, no one can. here, use cream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b058wl/two_astronauts_are_in_the_iss_cafeteria/
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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. 1 to change it and 9 to post in the comments that it’s been done before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b056nu/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her

I said- "Back in 02."
It sounds much better than "February"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b050bh/my_girlfriend_just_asked_me_when_i_last_had_sex/
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What is O.J. Simpson's internet address?

Slash slash backslash slash slash escape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b04wtf/what_is_oj_simpsons_internet_address/
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My jokes are like planes

they either don't get off the ground or go over your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b04vht/my_jokes_are_like_planes/
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Why does Logan Paul never high five Ricegum?

Because he always leaves asians hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b04svk/why_does_logan_paul_never_high_five_ricegum/
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What do you call a crossover between a dog and a cat?

If you thought it's Cog, it's exactly Dat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b04nyv/what_do_you_call_a_crossover_between_a_dog_and_a/
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So theres this Mexican magician, and his name is Gustavo

His signature trick is hed say "uno, dos" and *poof. Hed disappear without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b04mfm/so_theres_this_mexican_magician_and_his_name_is/
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Eve- that's it?

Adam- this is literally the biggest penis on earth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b04m25/eve_thats_it/
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How can you tell if someone is a vegan?

They’ll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b04low/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_a_vegan/
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Are you worried about the circumcision?

No, they are using cutting edge technology!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b04hwr/are_you_worried_about_the_circumcision/
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I asked my dad at what age is it okay to have sex. He said "When they leave school, they are legal."

Apparently 3:20 is not what he meant, but who needs it to be legal anyway?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b04f1e/i_asked_my_dad_at_what_age_is_it_okay_to_have_sex/
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A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)
One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'
The barber responds, 'Carrots? This is a butcher shop. We don't sell carrots here.'
'Oh', responds the rabbit, 'My apologies', and he hops out of the store.
The next day, the rabbit comes back. 'Helloooo. Do you have any carrots?'
'You're that rabbit from yesterday, aren't you? I already told you. This is a butcher shop. We don't sell carrots.'
'Ahh. Right.' The rabbit hops out again.
Day three comes around, and again the rabbit appears. 'Hiiiiiiiiiiiii. Do you have any carrots?'
'Look, mate, I've told you. This is a butcher shop. If you come back asking for more bleeding carrots, I'll nail your ears to the floor!'
'My ears, you say? Hmm, okay, thanks anyway.' The rabbit hops out.
Day four passes, and there's no rabbit. Day five and day six pass without any sign of the rabbit, either.
Day seven comes around, and suddenly, the rabbit reappears. 'Heeeeey. Do you have any nails?'
'....Nails? Of course I don't, you imbecile! This is a butcher shop!'
'Right. Got any carrots, then?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b04c5g/a_rabbit_walks_into_a_butcher_shop/
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A friend messaged me some encouraging words today...

What a thoughtful friend I thought as I read the words he wrote to me. It wasn't until I finished that I realized what he wanted in return...
"See The Bright Side.
Everyone Has Some Good In Them.
Never Go To Bed Mad.
Distrust Will Kill Any Relationship.
New Things Won't Make You Happy.
Understanding Is Half The Battle.
Do What You Can.
Even You Can Find A Hidden Meaning.
Surely You Didn't Miss It..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0442w/a_friend_messaged_me_some_encouraging_words_today/
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A Vegan, a Cross-fitter, and an Atheist all walk into a bar...

...I only know because none of them can shut up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b041b6/a_vegan_a_crossfitter_and_an_atheist_all_walk/
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What does Arnold Schwarzenegger do now?

He's an exterminator.
(I just thought of this on my way to work. Probs been done before though}

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b040u7/what_does_arnold_schwarzenegger_do_now/
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I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
It was that snake, with two more frogs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b03tnw/i_was_fishing_when_i_ran_out_of_bait_i_saw_a/
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I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b03ncg/i_called_my_wife_at_work_and_asked_do_you_ever/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b03mwj/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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What did the depressed teen say to the other depressed teen?

Can you knot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b03mkr/what_did_the_depressed_teen_say_to_the_other/
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How much does Male to Female surgery cost?

About a third of your salary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b03kzs/how_much_does_male_to_female_surgery_cost/
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If me having a Russian accent means my B's sound like V's...

Soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b03kkh/if_me_having_a_russian_accent_means_my_bs_sound/
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A man walking along the beach found a bottle

When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."
The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would Iike ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish." Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved two Ferraris," the genie said.
"And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b03kgf/a_man_walking_along_the_beach_found_a_bottle/
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Did you know that the first French fry wasn’t actually cooked in France?

It was cooked in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b03ir3/did_you_know_that_the_first_french_fry_wasnt/
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Two nuns went to shop at the market. They were taking so long so one said

- Sister Mary it is getting dark and we are so far away from the convent.
- I know Sister Rose but there is a man following us.
- Oh! What does he want.
- To rape us.
- What can we do.
- Let's separate. You go left and I will go right.
- He followed Sister Rose.
- Sister Mary reached the convent and was worried.
- After an hour Sister Rose appeared.
- What happend?
- I started to run and so did he.
- And then?
- He caught up with me.
- Oh my God. And what did you do.
- I lifted up my dress.
- Sister! And what did he do.
- Dropped his pants.
- And then?
- Its obvious isn't it.
.
.
.
- A nun with her dress lifted up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0342l/two_nuns_went_to_shop_at_the_market_they_were/
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the Ogre and the Trids

Once upon a time long, long ago there were beings called Trids barely making a living on the side of a hill. They knew, however, that there was a beautiful field of valuable Flurd just on the other side of the hill, and if they could get their hands on some of that Flurd, their lives would improve immeasurably.
Unfortunately, there was a large, foul-tempered Ogre who lived on the top of the hill and guarded that Flurd night and day.
The Trids tried everything to get over the hill to the fields of Flurd. They charged up the hill in great numbers. Didn't matter; the disgusting Ogre kicked them all back down the hill. They attempted to sneak past the Ogre at night. Didn't matter; the despicable Ogre kicked them all back down the hill. They attempted a flanking maneuver; some Trids running to the left of the Ogre and others to the right. Didn't matter; the revolting Ogre kicked them all back down the hill.
No matter what they tried, the damned Ogre kicked the Trids back down the hill.
One day, as the Trids were moping around at the base of their hill, a small rabbit happened upon them. "Why so sad, Trids?" asked the rabbit.
The Trids sadly told the rabbit about the beautiful Flurd on the other side of the hill, and how the terrible Ogre kicked them down the hill no matter how hard they tried to get to the other side.
"How about I try?" said the rabbit.
"Go ahead," said the Trids miserably. "But I don't think you'll have any luck."
So the rabbit hopped up the hill, approaching the Ogre. The Ogre ignored him. The rabbit hopped right alongside the Ogre. Still no reaction from the Ogre. The rabbit hopped right past the Ogre, and the Ogre did nothing!
So the rabbit hopped down the hill, gathered as much Flurd as he could hold in his short rabbit arms, and hopped back up the hill. He then hopped right in front of the Ogre, holding the Flurd right in front of him.
The Ogre opened one eye, sighed, and closed it again.
"Excuse me, Mr. Ogre," said the rabbit, "but how is it that you let me hop right past you and take as much Flurd as I can carry, but you kick the Trids down the hill whenever they get close to you?"
And the Ogre said, "Silly rabbit, kicks are for Trids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b031h8/the_ogre_and_the_trids/
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Today Trump tweeted a weird defense of himself for saying "Tim Apple" last week

How do you like Tim Apples?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b02w0u/today_trump_tweeted_a_weird_defense_of_himself/
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What does Jeffrey Dahmer eat for breakfast?

Boys and Berries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b02qmv/what_does_jeffrey_dahmer_eat_for_breakfast/
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What do you call a gay gangster?

A homie sexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b02qjv/what_do_you_call_a_gay_gangster/
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Can rabbit jump higher than a sky scraper?

Of course, a sky scraper can't jump...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b02iyw/can_rabbit_jump_higher_than_a_sky_scraper/
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I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.
I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b02h8q/i_used_to_sell_home_security_systems/
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Dont put your legs on the table

A teacher told Yossi "Dont put your legs on the table!"
Yossi answered "But I also put my legs on the table at home"
The teacher answers, "really? And what does your mother tell you about it?"
Yossi: "she says 'don't put your legs on the table, your are not at school'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b02fa1/dont_put_your_legs_on_the_table/
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How do lepers treat hookers like waitresses?

They always leave a tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b02bem/how_do_lepers_treat_hookers_like_waitresses/
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An Irishman goes to the pub...

An Irishman was known for going to the pub every day and always ordering three pints of Guinness. One day the bartender asked, "Why do you buy them three at a time? They'd be cooler separately." The man replied, "I have two brothers that moved away overseas. Before they left we pledged to always get a drink for the others."  One day however the man walked in and instead only ordered two pints. The bartender, assuming that a brother had died, offered his condolences. The man replied, "Nah, my brothers are alive. I gave up beer for lent but my brothers didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b029n2/an_irishman_goes_to_the_pub/
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Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell the people across the street she's vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b029ah/why_did_the_vegan_cross_the_road/
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Tell the Punchline first.

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b028ht/tell_the_punchline_first/
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What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?

Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0285o/what_do_a_tornado_a_hurricane_and_a_redneck/
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What phrase freaks out a gluten intolerant Soviet the most?

Gluten Tag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b025b3/what_phrase_freaks_out_a_gluten_intolerant_soviet/
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2 Young lovers are up at make out point having the time of their lives when a cop bangs on the car and stops them in the act.

What the hell are you two doing up here at this time of the night? he growls.
It's ok officer.. we are getting married tomorrow, the young lad declares.
Oh I am so sorry to have disturbed you the cop exclaims.
Being your last time having sex and all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b024om/2_young_lovers_are_up_at_make_out_point_having/
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What do you call a person who falls for a tech support scam?

An Indian giver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b02432/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_falls_for_a_tech/
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Is your mother home?

**Voice over Phone:** Is your mother home?
**Blonde:** Yes, she is.
**Voice:** Will you call her to the phone, please?
**Blonde:** Okay, but I’ll have to go down the street to get her.
**Voice:** I thought you said she was home!
**Blonde:** She is. This is my friend’s house. I live down the street!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b023b8/is_your_mother_home/
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What's Indiana Jones's least favorite beer?

Rolling Rock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b020pq/whats_indiana_joness_least_favorite_beer/
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Asian guy goes to a eye doctor

After the checkup the doctor says "The problem is you have a cataract" then the Asian guy responds with"No I have a tesra"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b01wha/asian_guy_goes_to_a_eye_doctor/
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Do you smoke?

Non-smoker “Nah”
Cigarette smoker “Yeah”
Stoner “Smoke what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b01vt6/do_you_smoke/
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If anti-vaxxers believed that apples caused autism....

Would they be against the oppressive Big-Farma?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b01v61/if_antivaxxers_believed_that_apples_caused_autism/
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A man is driving down the road at midnight and his car breaks down near a mental hospital.

He didn’t know what to do because he knew nothing about fixing cars. A mental patient who was watering some flowers saw the scene and walks towards the man. The man seeing the mental patient coming his way, gets scared and stays quiet in the car.  The madman tells the man..-“Good night my friend. Do you want me to fix your car?” ... Since there was anything he can do , the man allows the mental patient to check his car.  After a few minutes the car was as good as new. The man couldn’t believe it .. he says “ Thanks man. You’re a master in mechanics. How are you locked up in a mental institution?” ... - “That’s nothing, I’m also an electrical engineer, master in computers and speak 5 languages “.... the man , still amazed, replies “ Listen , I’m a psychiatrist, I  will get you out of here tomorrow “... “Thanks “ says the mental patient.  The man gets in his car and starts driving, a few seconds later, a brick coming his way at high speed, breaks the back windshield, hits the man in the back of the head so hard , that makes the man break the front windshield with his forehead. The man, bleeding profusely, with pieces of glass in his head and face, stops the car, and slowly looks backwards. He sees the mental patient in the middle of the road who yells:-“Don’t you forget”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b01tjx/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_at_midnight_and/
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(NSFW) why did Michael Jackson deliberately lose races ?

He enjoys coming in a little behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b01p3c/nsfw_why_did_michael_jackson_deliberately_lose/
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I ran for three miles today.

Finally, I turned around and said, “Jesus lady! Take your fucking purse back!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b01lst/i_ran_for_three_miles_today/
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What is it called when you put a cow in an elevator?

Raising the steaks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b01cxy/what_is_it_called_when_you_put_a_cow_in_an/
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical...

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b0109n/morris_an_82_yearold_man_went_to_the_doctor_to/
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My best joke in 40 year of joke telling

A woman goes to her doctor for a check up.  During the post check up consult the doctor says
“Mrs. Jones you are in very good health but, I couldn’t help but notice the abrasions on your elbows and knees.  Can you tell me what is causing them?
Sheepishly she responds “Maybe it is because I like to make love doggie style”
“Well,, perhaps  if you do it in the missionary position for a few weeks it will alive the abrasion”
She says “I tried that but I can’t stand the dog’s breath”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b00y3e/my_best_joke_in_40_year_of_joke_telling/
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How many Buddhist monks does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But its a long process where the monk keeps telling the bulb that change must first come from within, until the bulb attains enlightenment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b00wh9/how_many_buddhist_monks_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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My father told me a million times...

never to exaggerate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b00vim/my_father_told_me_a_million_times/
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A friend of mine

started a business selling trampolines to fortune-tellers.
He says prophets are going through the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b00qbc/a_friend_of_mine/
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Why do felines hate NASA?

Because Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b00ob3/why_do_felines_hate_nasa/
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Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.
Weeks later, Sandy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighborhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him.
"Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks.
"They will pay me the next day to fix it," Sandy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to £100 just for putting their fence back."
"But why do you need the money?"
Sandy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b00cgs/sandy_an_18_year_old_boy_desperately_wants_a_car/
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What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?

A fish stick!
My 4 year olds first joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/b006fp/what_do_you_call_a_fish_stuck_in_a_tree/
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Ever have sex while camping?

It’s fucking in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azzylr/ever_have_sex_while_camping/
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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was fucking dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azzvlb/why_did_the_monkey_fall_out_of_the_tree/
%
Old lady on the bus

she hands the bus driver some peanuts, to which he says "thank you" and eats them all.
Few moments later she hands him some more peanuts. This time he says "oh no thank you, why don't you eat them". Old lady replies " oh i couldn't possibly do that, I have no teeth you see".
"That's a bit odd, why do you buy them if you can't eat them?" Driver says.
Old lady replies "I only like the chocolate coating"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azzqty/old_lady_on_the_bus/
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When it comes to pull ups I can hang with the best of ‘em

But the damn pulling up part gets me every time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azzpay/when_it_comes_to_pull_ups_i_can_hang_with_the/
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Too Much Information

"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"
"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."
"Did I dial the wrong number?
"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."
"Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please."
"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"
"The usual?  You know what my usual is?"
"According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust."
"Okay, that’s what I want this time too."
"May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?"
"No, I hate vegetables."
"But your cholesterol is not good."
"How do you know?"
"Through the subscribers guide.  We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years."
"You know what, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and everyone else having all my information! I'm going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!"
"I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport... it expired 5 weeks ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azzjqn/too_much_information/
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Did you hear about the artist that painted nude models for free?

He did it for the exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azzdvs/did_you_hear_about_the_artist_that_painted_nude/
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I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azzdns/i_just_realized_my_wife_left_me_because_of_my/
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Why don't mitochondria have girlfriends?

Because they're incells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azz5ww/why_dont_mitochondria_have_girlfriends/
%
I lent a girl an umbrella

that makes the people I've made wet this year -1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azz37u/i_lent_a_girl_an_umbrella/
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Thieves stole 30 crates of red bull from our local supermarket

I don’t know how they sleep at night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azz2ha/thieves_stole_30_crates_of_red_bull_from_our/
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The secret to having a smoking hot body in old age?

Cremation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azyy46/the_secret_to_having_a_smoking_hot_body_in_old_age/
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My friend wanted to smoke some afghani weed with me

But i said no, because, from what i heard, people in afghanistan get stoned                  TO DEATH
[not mine]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azyxc5/my_friend_wanted_to_smoke_some_afghani_weed_with/
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Lil Johnny & the Bet

Lil Johnny’s teacher had been warned never to make a bet with him unless she was absolutely sure she would win.
One day Lil John came up to her and bet $50 that he could guess the color of her panties. The teacher thought for a moment and then said, “sure, come see me after class and we will find out.” The teacher is pretty sure she can win, but just to be safe she went to the bathroom and took off her panties out from under her skirt then went back to class.
After class Lil John went up to her and she told him he could guess now. Lil Johnny thought for a few seconds then guessed blue. The teacher smiled and said no. Lil John asked her to prove it, the teacher lifted up her skirt to prove that she was not wearing panties. Lil Johnny said, “okay you won fair and square, come out to my dad’s car he will have your $50.”
When they got out to the teacher explained that his son had made a bet with her that he could guess the color of her panties and lost and that she proved it by showing him that she had none on. The dad said, “that little shit, he bet me $100 this morning that he would see his teacher without clothes on by the end of the day.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azyu6v/lil_johnny_the_bet/
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The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father.
Safe to say, when the whale awoke, he was distraught. He swam and swam, searching everywhere, but to no avail. 'WHERE IS MY SON' he bellowed, disturbing fish everywhere. This distress caught the attention of a wise old sea turtle.
'I saw your son', said the turtle swimming over to the whale, 'he was kidnapped by krill. I think I can take you to him'
Grateful, the whale accepted this offer, and the pair set out, searching hastily. After many hours of fruitless looking, they came to a large white cloud, and they came to a stop. The turtle looked sombre.
'I have bad news', he said mournfully. 'The krill have used their surprisingly adequate war skills once again. They have lactated so much, that they have created this giant, impenetrable white cloud. It's so wide, so high, so thick. I'm so sorry, but it's over.'
The whale would not accept this. 'I'll swim through it! He said'
'No', returned the turtle. The milk is bizarrely poisonous for whales.
'Okay then, we'll wait for it to disperse, then we can go after them again!', the wale countered
'It will take days!' cried the turtle. The cloud is miles wide, and miles thick. There's no hope.
'Alright then, can't I go over it, can't I even look over it?', the whale nearly sobbed in desperation.
The turtle looked him dead in the eye. 'You don't understand. There's no use spying over krill milk'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azynxi/the_scariest_and_most_feared_whale_in_the_entire/
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I have a Stepladder..

I never knew my real Ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azynx6/i_have_a_stepladder/
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Third magic trick now perfected.. transforming myself into toilet paper.

I'm on a roll!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azyhce/third_magic_trick_now_perfected_transforming/
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What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azyd48/what_sea_creature_would_hitler_be/
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Two Blond men find three grenades

They talk about it and decide to take them to a police station. On the way there one asks:
What happens if one of them explodes?
The other one replied:
We’ll just tell them we found two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azybv4/two_blond_men_find_three_grenades/
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I went to the store to get six sprite

It was only when I got home that I realized that I picked seven up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azy580/i_went_to_the_store_to_get_six_sprite/
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A parrot swallowed a viagra pill. The owners put him in a freezer to "cool off."

When the owner opened the freezer he noticed the parrot was sweating profusely.
Owner: Why are you sweating so much?
Parrot: You know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azy4b4/a_parrot_swallowed_a_viagra_pill_the_owners_put/
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I was watching The Human Centipede with this guy, and I could tell just by looking at him that he was really enjoying the movie.

He had this shit-eating grin on his face the entire time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azy00s/i_was_watching_the_human_centipede_with_this_guy/
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I wanted to post a joke about feminism

My husband wouldn't let me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azxz8i/i_wanted_to_post_a_joke_about_feminism/
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TIL College football is actually a combination of two American pastimes

Coercive land grabbing, and exploiting unpaid black labor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azxyms/til_college_football_is_actually_a_combination_of/
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I've been having treatment for premature ejaculation.

I'm getting better now, but it was touch and go for a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azxwaz/ive_been_having_treatment_for_premature/
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What do you give a cannibal that's late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azxuyj/what_do_you_give_a_cannibal_thats_late_for_dinner/
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What’s a punishment as a child but a reward as an adult?

Anal sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azxre5/whats_a_punishment_as_a_child_but_a_reward_as_an/
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R.kelly says the recent accusations have ruined his relationship with his kids.

They must have been crushed to hear hes cheating on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azxqua/rkelly_says_the_recent_accusations_have_ruined/
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Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azxlu7/hey_guys_dont_you_just_hate_it_when_youre_woken/
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The Weed-eater

Two guys are sitting out side of college registration comparing schedules. We'll call them Larry and David
Larry: What did you get on your schedule for this semester?
David: Oh... College algebra, Psych 101, English 101, you know.. just the basics.
Larry: I got college algebra, psych and english, too. And a class called Logic.
David: What's Logic
Larry: I have no idea.
David: Don't you think you should find out before you take the class?
So  Larry goes to his adviser and asks him about Logic.
Larry: I'm enrolled in this class called Logic, but I have no idea what that is. Can you help me out?
Adviser: Well, it's kind of hard to explain but..... well, here's an example; Do you have a weed-eater?
Larry: Yes
Adviser: So, logic says if you have a weed-eater you probably own a lawn-mower, too. Do you?
Larry: Yes
Adviser: So, logic says if you own a lawn-mower, you probably own a house with a lawn.
Larry: Yes I do.
Adviser: So logic says if you own a house, you probably have  a family.
Larry: Yeah I have a family. I have a wife and a kid.
Adviser: Well, in that case, logic says if you have a wife that you're hetero-sexual.
Larry: Absolutely. I think I see where this is going. Thanks for your help.
Larry goes back outside and meets with David.
David: Did you find out what Logic was?
Larry: Well, it's kind of hard to explain, but, do you have a weed-eater?
David: No
Larry: Fag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azxcyw/the_weedeater/
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I no longer make jokes about gay people.

They always take it the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azxcde/i_no_longer_make_jokes_about_gay_people/
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door...

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says: ‘What the fuck was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azxbj9/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_at/
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

About 45 pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azx91c/whats_the_difference_between_a_girlfriend_and_a/
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I’ve been seeing this girl from Mars

We’re in a interspacial relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azx6wo/ive_been_seeing_this_girl_from_mars/
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I've always wanted to fool around with another guy...

But I guess I'm not cocky enough. Or maybe I just haven't found the balls to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azx617/ive_always_wanted_to_fool_around_with_another_guy/
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What U.S. State describes 90% of people on Reddit?

Virginia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azx5hg/what_us_state_describes_90_of_people_on_reddit/
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Deodorant

I think we should all put on two kinds of deodorant. One for each armpit. But thats just my 2 scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azx4zh/deodorant/
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"I'm gonna steal her heart.."

Is not that romantic when you say it during a surgery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azwwls/im_gonna_steal_her_heart/
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What did the spaghetti say to the lasagna as he was murdering him

Pasta La vista

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azwrmk/what_did_the_spaghetti_say_to_the_lasagna_as_he/
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What do you call a stoner's vagina

A pothole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azwqx1/what_do_you_call_a_stoners_vagina/
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My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he's going to walk towards the light...

and turn it off !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azwn2u/my_dad_is_so_cheap_that_when_he_dies_hes_going_to/
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If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azwflk/if_men_call_short_women_petite_what_do_women_call/
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Guy is dying and the doctor comes in his room to deliver news

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: Tell me the good news.
Doctor: Well, you have 24 hours left to live.
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azwc8t/guy_is_dying_and_the_doctor_comes_in_his_room_to/
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I want to die like my uncle.

Lighting a cigarette enjoying the cool summer breeze.
Not like the people around him yelling and screaming that he shouldn't do that while pumping his gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azwa9q/i_want_to_die_like_my_uncle/
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What do Anti-Vax kids play in school?

Marco Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azw9hp/what_do_antivax_kids_play_in_school/
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What was George Bush’s favorite sports team?

The New York Jets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azw8qt/what_was_george_bushs_favorite_sports_team/
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Opinions are like kids

You don't give a fuck about them unless they are yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azw6ee/opinions_are_like_kids/
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So there were 4 people on a private jet

Oprah Winfrey, Donald trump, Barack obama, and this little girl.
In the middle of there flight, the engine shuts down and and there going to crash.
So Oprah Winfrey says “the world needs me” and grabs a parachute and jumps off.
Then Donald trump grabs a parachute and jumps off without saying anything.
Then there’s only one parachute left.
Barack Obama says to the girl, “little girl, you are the future to our country, you take the last parachute.”
Then the little girl says “actually there’s two left.”
Barack Obama says “how ?”
Then the little girl says “because trump just took my school backpack.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azw2l4/so_there_were_4_people_on_a_private_jet/
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Three nuns

There were three nuns and they said that they were going to do on sin each. The priest says ok, do your sins, come back and I will bless you. So they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first woman, who was laughing, what her sin was. She replied:" I had sex with a guy." So the priest forgave her and let her drink the holy water.
The next nun came and was laughing harder and said: "I got in a fight with another nun." The priest forgave her and let her drink from the holy water.
The last nun was laughing the most and said:"I peed in the holy water!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azw1ln/three_nuns/
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Policeman: "Sir, you just told an officer an awful pun. I'm going to have to give you a-"

Me: "Fine..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azw01n/policeman_sir_you_just_told_an_officer_an_awful/
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At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.

Unfortunately, the police found it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azvtsx/at_98_years_old_my_grandfather_had_the_body_of_a/
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A wife decides to surprise her husband at work.

She walks into his office to find him sitting at his desk, on the phone, with his extremely attractive secretary perched on his lap.
Upon catching sight of his wife the husband says into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with only one chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azvpaj/a_wife_decides_to_surprise_her_husband_at_work/
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Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azvnq7/your_duck_is_dead/
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How do pirates know they are pirates?

They think, therefore they arrr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azvmy5/how_do_pirates_know_they_are_pirates/
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What do you call a courteous spy?

A gent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azvmu0/what_do_you_call_a_courteous_spy/
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Friend: Did you hear about the robbery at the movie theatre the other day?

Me: No, what?
Friend: Yeah, apparently they stole more than $1000 worth of stuff
Me: Oh my god, what stuff?
Friend: 5 cokes and 10 popcorns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azvliw/friend_did_you_hear_about_the_robbery_at_the/
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What do pirates call a rapist?

Arrr Kelly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azvliu/what_do_pirates_call_a_rapist/
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TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic.

Because they are more likely to be dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azvjtq/til_unvaccinated_children_are_less_likely_to_be/
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Why do lesbians tend to dress alike?

They rub off on eachother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azvjt7/why_do_lesbians_tend_to_dress_alike/
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Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azvifk/why_condoms_come_in_packs_of_3_6_and_12/
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I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azvhe3/i_invited_my_girlfriend_to_go_to_the_gym_with_me/
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Two boys in the Woods

Jim and Jerry were playing in the woods with a red ball they had brought with them. The game they were playing was simple, just tossing the ball back and forth to each other. They did this for a few minutes before Jerry had an idea to make the game more fun. This is too easy”! Jerry shouted and went back further to throw the ball making it more of a challenge. He threw the ball hard, but so fast that Jim did not have time to react and catch it so it went passed him through the bushes. “Don’t worry I’ll get it  Jerry”! After that, Jim went past the bushes to find the red ball.
15 minutes pass and Jerry starts to worry that something happened to Jim. He decides to go look for him and finds him at near a river. Jim was holding the red ball and was staring at three women skinny dipping in the water from a distance.
After catching a short glimpse of them, Jerry ran back to the spot they were playing at in fear.
Jim saw him running away and went after him.
“Why did you run away Jerry? Are you afraid of naked ladies or something haha” .
“Yeah!” Jerry exclaimed, trying to catch his breath.
Startled, Jim asked “why”?
“Well Jim, my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady that I would turn to stone! I ran away because I felt something getting hard”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azvf2w/two_boys_in_the_woods/
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There are 2 steps to being successful

1. Do not reveal everything you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azvaj9/there_are_2_steps_to_being_successful/
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Young Joey goes into confession.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azv9m5/young_joey_goes_into_confession/
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In the class, the teacher ask anyone who thinks he's stupid, please stand up

Then, nobody stands up.
The teacher then responds: Im sure there are stupid students over here
Then, a little boy stands up.
Teacher ask: oh, so you are stupid?
The boy responds: No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azv8ti/in_the_class_the_teacher_ask_anyone_who_thinks/
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How many gamers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to do it, and 99 to rage about what was wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azv88a/how_many_gamers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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two guys walk into a bar...

the second one should have seen it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azv7o4/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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One egg saw another egg crying.

He rolled his eyes and said "You're so fragile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azv6su/one_egg_saw_another_egg_crying/
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What do you call a thousand dollar door?

A grand entrance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azv66q/what_do_you_call_a_thousand_dollar_door/
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Why dont cows ever win baking contests?

Their pies taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azv625/why_dont_cows_ever_win_baking_contests/
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Why couldn't the submarine captain keep piloting the sub?

The pressure was killing him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azv2oq/why_couldnt_the_submarine_captain_keep_piloting/
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Two guys setting in a bar

1st guy : man I’m such a terrible person I hate it
2nd guy : nah bro I’m way worse than you , I’m a piece of shit everybody hates me u have no idea
1st guy : No I’m worse , see that old lady outside ? I wanna throw all her groceries so bad
2nd guy : you wouldn’t
1st guy: wait here
( 1st guy jumps outside and throws the lady’s groceries laughing )
1st guy : saw that? I’m telling ya I’m the worst
2nd guy : haha that was bad ... but I’m still worse
1st guy : ok .. hold my beer
( 1st guy goes outside and trips the lady up and she falls to the ground )
1st guy : what do u think? Boy I’m such a prick lol
2nd guy : ohhh that must’ve hurt .. but believe me I’m worse than u
( 1st guy starts his car and runs the lady over )
1st guy : how about now ???!!!!!
2nd guy : holy shit!  that was awesome ... but I’m still worse
1st guy extremely mad : HOW COME!
2nd guy : dude that’s my mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azv2dz/two_guys_setting_in_a_bar/
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What did elephant say to a naked man?

How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azv0hz/what_did_elephant_say_to_a_naked_man/
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I blame Mother Earth for all earthquakes.

It’s always her fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azuzgx/i_blame_mother_earth_for_all_earthquakes/
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I spent 2 hours gathering herbs but ended up throwing them out.

It was a waste of thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azuwaq/i_spent_2_hours_gathering_herbs_but_ended_up/
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The most annoying part about having my wife and daughter constantly wearing a burqa is the confusion

Last night, I accidentally slept with my wife!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azuvan/the_most_annoying_part_about_having_my_wife_and/
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This just in: Michael Jackson stomach pump reveals he passed from food poisoning.

He had digested some 12 year old nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azutdg/this_just_in_michael_jackson_stomach_pump_reveals/
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I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience!!!!

That surprised me, i thought it was an entry level position. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azurs1/i_applied_to_be_a_doorman_but_didnt_get_the_job/
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Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?

The hip doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azuq0o/who_is_the_coolest_doctor_in_the_hospital/
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How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azumm2/how_does_the_man_in_the_moon_cut_his_hair/
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Skunked

A friend of mine got sprayed by a skunk at work today, saying it looked like a baby skunk. And my reply to her was:
Baby skunk pew pew pew pew pew pew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azujrj/skunked/
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How do the Taliban power their aircraft?

Wind Turbans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azuipj/how_do_the_taliban_power_their_aircraft/
%
Why do pirates have sore joints?

Because they get arrrrrrrthritis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azugre/why_do_pirates_have_sore_joints/
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Two cycling girls decide to explore the old town...

"I never came this way before!"
"Me neither, must be the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azuaus/two_cycling_girls_decide_to_explore_the_old_town/
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The Challenge [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar, reaching the counter a sign hangs above the bar stating, “Complete The Challenge and Win Free Alcohol for Life!” Intrigued by this the man asks the bartender what exactly is the challenge. “Well first off you have to drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar, second we keep a gator in the back with a sore tooth, you gotta remove it, finally upstairs is a woman who’s never had an orgasm, she’s got to have one and once you accomplish that you win the challenge.” The Bartender states. The Man looks at him with disbelief at the absurdity of that, “I think I’ll pass” he says and goes on to order a beer.
The night goes on and the Man starts to get a little tipsy, every beer he downs The Challenge seemed more and more tempting, until finally he walks back up to the counter, “Where’s the vinegar?” He says drunkenly. The bartender grabs the vinegar from under the counter and presents it to the man, being a little bit drinker he takes it and downs it like it was nothing. The Bartender and the patrons look at him astonished that they may have a worthy contender for the Challenge. The Man moves on and heads out the door to the gator, the next couple of minutes were horrifying hearing the gator rash around from the other side of the wall, until finally silence. The Man walks back into the bar covered in blood and scars, his clothes in shreds, he then asks the bartender, very drunkenly, “where’s that lady with the sore tooth?”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azu940/the_challenge_nsfw/
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What did one nut say when it was chasing the other nut ?

I'mma cashew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azu7t8/what_did_one_nut_say_when_it_was_chasing_the/
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Crying Irish Woman In Church

And the Priest says, "Mary, why are ye cryin'?"
Mary: "ah jesus Father me husband died last night!"
Priest: "Oh God Bless us and all Harm, did he have any last requests?"
Mary: "aye....MARY PUT THE FUCKIN GUN DOWN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azu787/crying_irish_woman_in_church/
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A wife came home early and...

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azu6ko/a_wife_came_home_early_and/
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The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.
Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.
Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?
Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azu5mf/the_receptionist_got_a_bit_shocked_when_a_nun/
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A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film

He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"
The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azu4ee/a_man_goes_to_the_movies_and_sees_a_large_dog/
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A shovel was a..

Ground breaking invention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aztzyf/a_shovel_was_a/
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I bought a 12ft tall multiplication symbol and just realised I can also use it as an addition symbol too.

That's a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aztyc9/i_bought_a_12ft_tall_multiplication_symbol_and/
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I wanted to be an astronaut but..

My parents told me sky is the limit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aztw5k/i_wanted_to_be_an_astronaut_but/
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Periods can change a meaning of a sentence.

Example:
“He likes to eat her out.”
“He likes to eat her periods out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aztufq/periods_can_change_a_meaning_of_a_sentence/
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One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. The farmer becomes rich, but still prefers the quiet of his farm, so he returns back to the farm. The horse still goes all over, now that he's been hired as a live musician for several talk shows, but he returns to the farm every so often to check in with the farmer and the farm animals. After a few months, the farmer discovers that a chicken can speak as well, and has a burning desire to play the drums. Despite the obvious punchline, the farmer buys a specialty set of drums for the chicken. The chicken forms a two animal band with the horse, and they tour the country, produce a few CD's, and make the farmer even more money. Soon, more animals, a donkey and a sheep join the band as the singer and the bassist. The chicken, sheep, and donkey are going to their next concert, but the horse flies back to the farm to find the farmer, sadly, dead in his bed. Never having experienced such deep sadness, the horse does what his human companions taught him: he goes to the bar, where he sees a newspaper that says the flight the sheep, donkey, and chicken crashed into the mountains, and none survived. The horse walks up to the bar, tears flowing from his eyes. The bartender looks up at the horse, and says "Why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aztsav/one_day_a_farmer_discovers_he_has_a_talking_horse/
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A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.
The hostess leaves to go get help from other attendants. Multiple women try their luck at explaining to the blond that she's in the wrong seat, but none prevail.
Eventually, they seek the help of the Captain.
"She's blonde, you say?" queried the Captain.
The hostess' nod.
"Shouldn't be an issue, my wife is blonde"
The Captain gets up and approaches the woman - the hostess' watching from a distance. After a few seconds the blond quickly gathers her things and heads back to her seat. The Captain returns to the hostess'. Amazed, they ask how he did it.
"It's simple, really" he said, "I just told her first class wasn't flying to Detroit"
My mate told me this one when we were in 4th grade, I randomly just remembered it so I thought I'd share. It's not laugh-out-loud funny, but I think it warrants a short exhale out the nose <3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aztrbo/a_blonde_woman_gets_on_a_plane_to_detroit_and/
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Alien sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead,  his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until  the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping  my forehead and pulling my ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azto3f/alien_sex/
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Don't ask for advice from gay people.

They never give straight answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aztmt9/dont_ask_for_advice_from_gay_people/
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Savage husband

Wife: I look old, fat and ugly. I need you to guve me a compliment.
Husband: Well your eyesight is perfect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aztl69/savage_husband/
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I asked hitler how to turn off my phone

He said: Bro, use the auff switchz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aztjfd/i_asked_hitler_how_to_turn_off_my_phone/
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aztj5y/a_horse_and_a_chicken_are_playing_in_a_meadow/
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The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."
"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.
"You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.
"You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones.
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared.
"Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.
"She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.
"Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
"You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked.
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."
"Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aztgak/the_jones_didnt_have_any_children_and_decided_to/
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I have sex daily

Dyslexia*
I have dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aztc81/i_have_sex_daily/
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If life gives you melons

You might be dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azt4ed/if_life_gives_you_melons/
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Why are pediatricians always in a rush?

They have little patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azsy7i/why_are_pediatricians_always_in_a_rush/
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Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?

Finally found something that would give him a buzz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azsy5p/why_did_the_coke_addict_take_to_bee_keeping_to/
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A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.

"Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak this falsehood to my face, so I call upon them to stand up now before you all and tell me why they have been peddling such malicious lies."
An attractive blonde woman stood up nervously.
"You?" said the minister, shocked. "My own sister-in-law? How could you say such things about me?"
"I didn’t mean any harm," said the woman. "It was all a terrible misunderstanding. All I did was tell my friend you were a wizard beneath the sheets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azsxb8/a_southern_baptist_minister_was_addressing_his/
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Why do pediatricians get easily upset?

They have little patients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azsvhd/why_do_pediatricians_get_easily_upset/
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Pavlov is chilling in a pub having a beer. Then his phone rings.

Suddenly he jumps up and says "Shit! I forgot to feed the dog!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azsstu/pavlov_is_chilling_in_a_pub_having_a_beer_then/
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What happens if you masturbate in outer space?

Your orgasm would be out of this world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azsmhv/what_happens_if_you_masturbate_in_outer_space/
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What does a pepper do when it gets annoyed?

It gets jalapeño face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azsl61/what_does_a_pepper_do_when_it_gets_annoyed/
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What animal has an asshole on it's back?

A police horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azsi5f/what_animal_has_an_asshole_on_its_back/
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how do you think the unthinkable?

with an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azsgh8/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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Boy complains to his father:You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks to impress the girls at the swimming pool but you forgot to mention on thing.

Dad: Really,what??
Boy: You forgot to tell me that the potato should go at the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azsdwz/boy_complains_to_his_fatheryou_told_me_to_put_a/
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A woman asked me to check her balance in the bank.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azs9kx/a_woman_asked_me_to_check_her_balance_in_the_bank/
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Dan is walking on a downtown street one day.

He happens to see his old high school friend, Bill, a little ways up ahead. "Bill, Bill, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
"Not so good," says Bill.
"Why, what happened?" Dan queries.
"Well," Bill says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Could have been worse," Dan replies calmly. "Could have been worse."
A month or so later, Dan again encounters Bill, in a restaurant. "And how are things now?" he asks.
"Terrible!" says Bill. "Our house burned down last night."
"Could have been worse," says Dan, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, Dan runs into Bill a third time. "Well, how goes it?" he inquires.
"Oh!" says Bill. "Things just get worse and worse. It's one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!"
Dan nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: "Could've been worse."
This time, Bill grabs Dan by the shoulders. "Wait a minute!" he says. "I'm not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we've run into one another, and every time I've told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: 'Could have been worse.' This time, for fuck's sake, Dan, I want you to tell me, how the hell could it have been any worse?"
Dan looks at Bill with the same little wisp of a smile. "Could have been worse," he says. "Could have happened to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azrzr4/dan_is_walking_on_a_downtown_street_one_day/
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The pope is really early to his plane flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azrzo9/the_pope_is_really_early_to_his_plane_flight/
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Two mexicans attempted to rob an old train for its parts

Authorities say it's a loco motive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azrwhs/two_mexicans_attempted_to_rob_an_old_train_for/
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I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azrvkf/ive_been_reading_lord_of_the_rings_and_apparently/
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Australians don't have sex...

They mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azrti1/australians_dont_have_sex/
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I hate Russian dolls

They’re so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azrrr8/i_hate_russian_dolls/
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The koala tree joke.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was drunk.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was hit by the first.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Because it thought it was a game and wanted to join in.
Why did the bushman go to hospital?
Because he was hit by three koalas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azrpsc/the_koala_tree_joke/
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A man is lost in the woods, but finds a cabin next to a small ravine

He knocks on the door and an old Chinese man answers. He asks if he could possibly stay the night, and the Chinese man says he can "But..." he warns "My daughter is very beautiful, and if you lay a finger on her I will inflict upon you the worst three tortures China has ever produced."
The man assures him he won't touch his daughter, and is invited in for a meal before bed. As he sits down to eat, he sees the daughter and she isn't just beautiful, she is the most stunning woman he has ever laid eyes upon. He tries subtly flirting with her, and after dinner she whispers in his ear "Join me in my room when my father falls asleep."
The man can't help himself, and that night sneeks into her room for several hours of lovemaking, before returning to his own.
When he wakes up, he feels a pressure on his chest, and notices it's a huge rock. He sees a note that says "Chinese torture no.1: rock on chest." Shrugging, and figuring these tortures aren't going to be so bad, he stands up, casually tossing the rock out of the window and down the ravine in defiance.
It is then he notices a second note on the windowsill "Chinese torture no.2: rock tied to balls." Seeing a thin bit of wire unspooling as the rock falls, the man decides broken legs are better than castration, and leaps out of the window.
He sees a large banner on the floor below simply reading "Chinese torture no.3: cock tied to bedpost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azro28/a_man_is_lost_in_the_woods_but_finds_a_cabin_next/
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

Tbh I don’t really know, but hey! The flag is a big plus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azrn86/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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Nothing better than a ho that's good at math.

It's the thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azrm8f/nothing_better_than_a_ho_thats_good_at_math/
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Two nuns are on a ferry

They're in a rush to get to an important meeting with the bishop, but as the cars start to leave the boat they notice customs performing long drawn out searches of each and every vehicle. One nun turns to the other and says "Sister we really don't have time for this, I'm sure if you show them your cross they'll wave us through."
The second nun drives up to the officers, rolls down her window, and yells "Fucking let us through, you cunts!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azrkxd/two_nuns_are_on_a_ferry/
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Billie Jean is not my lover

She just a girl who says that i am the one
But the kid is not my son.
He can stay over for the weekend though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azr59a/billie_jean_is_not_my_lover/
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Why didn't the Nazi vote?

Because he hates Poles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azr1w0/why_didnt_the_nazi_vote/
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Dave, at a job interview.

Interviewer : so where were you before coming to this city.
Dave : New York City.
Interviewer : oh wow, that's great. I am from NYC too. Go Knicks. What did you do there?
Dave : Cocaine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azqvmd/dave_at_a_job_interview/
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A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.
The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregation and leans in to whisper to the widow.
"Ma'am, you don't know me, but your husband and I spent years working side by side, and became quite close as the years passed. I was with him when he died. If it's all right with you, I'd like to say a few words."
The widow nods her approval and gestures to the preacher to step aside and allow the man to speak. The stranger steps up, clears throat, braces himself against the pulpit as he gathers his emotions, and solemnly declares as he looks out over the crowd...
"Train whistle."
As the man takes a step back and begins to return to his seat, the widow, overcome with emotion, reaches out to grab his arm as he passes.
"Thank you" she says, "I wish he could have heard that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azqs6g/a_man_has_died_and_his_friends_and_family_are/
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When asked about the inappropriate behavior by his priests the pope said

“it’s an age old problem.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azqpti/when_asked_about_the_inappropriate_behavior_by/
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While most puns make me feel numb...

...Math puns make me feel number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azq8cs/while_most_puns_make_me_feel_numb/
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I never really understood what the "blue screen of death" meant

But when my self driving car had one the name started making a lot more sense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azq7fg/i_never_really_understood_what_the_blue_screen_of/
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I gave my Japanese friend a Lacoste top as a gift.

He smiled and said 'Arigato'
I'm fairly certain their logo a crocodile...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azq1t3/i_gave_my_japanese_friend_a_lacoste_top_as_a_gift/
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What do you call an exam at a Jewish gynecologist?

A pap schmear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azq0ix/what_do_you_call_an_exam_at_a_jewish_gynecologist/
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Why is the outside of the International Space Station so clean?

Because of the vacuum of space!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azpzp9/why_is_the_outside_of_the_international_space/
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Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?

Because he was well armed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azp86p/why_did_the_octopus_beat_the_shark_in_a_fight/
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What's an Indians favorite game?

Hide and Sikh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azp80f/whats_an_indians_favorite_game/
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Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azp4ho/three_women_die_and_go_to_heaven_when_they_get/
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Communism is a System That Looks Pretty Great on Paper.

Unless of course, that paper makes up the pages of a History book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azp4cs/communism_is_a_system_that_looks_pretty_great_on/
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Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You look, you get a sense of it, and you look away.

AND you can look longer with sunglasses!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azp3we/looking_at_cleavage_is_like_looking_at_the_sun/
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My girlfriend finds sex on holiday much more fun

I think so, anyway. It was difficult to read the postcard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azp2ni/my_girlfriend_finds_sex_on_holiday_much_more_fun/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long if you're fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azp1fs/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
He: "So where do we go, my place or yours?"

She: "We do both. I go to mine and you to yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azp0ad/he_so_where_do_we_go_my_place_or_yours/
%
I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman's body

Until I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azp01s/i_used_to_feel_like_a_man_trapped_inside_a_womans/
%
Kid in park (crying): "I don't know where my mom's gone to!"

Me: "Oh no, that's terrible!"
Wife: :Talk to him."
Me: (kneeling) "Hey, kid, don't end a sentence with a preposition."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azoyji/kid_in_park_crying_i_dont_know_where_my_moms_gone/
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I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do

And for the people who DO like country music, 'denigrate' means 'put down.'
\- Bob Newhart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azow8v/i_dont_like_country_music_but_i_dont_mean_to/
%
I failed a lot of maths exams

More than I can count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azoucd/i_failed_a_lot_of_maths_exams/
%
The doctor tells his patient that he is going to die in 10

Patient: 10 what? 10days? 10months? 10years?
Doctor: 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azotkc/the_doctor_tells_his_patient_that_he_is_going_to/
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Without a doubt, the Ford F-150

My favorite pickup line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azopsd/without_a_doubt_the_ford_f150/
%
If Michael Jackson were alive today...

His pronouns would be he/he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azop1y/if_michael_jackson_were_alive_today/
%
Sunday school

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azonj0/sunday_school/
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Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.  She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azon4m/butch_the_rooster/
%
Why was the shoe mad at the foot?

He socked him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azomcn/why_was_the_shoe_mad_at_the_foot/
%
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A baboooooooooooom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azokbx/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_in_a_minefield/
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I've been reading a book about drug addiction

I was hooked after the first few lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azoibm/ive_been_reading_a_book_about_drug_addiction/
%
Regular naps prevent ageing

Especially if taken while driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azoffk/regular_naps_prevent_ageing/
%
Kevin Durant should be sponsored by Old Spice.

He can have his own scent: Deo-Durant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azodch/kevin_durant_should_be_sponsored_by_old_spice/
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A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can't take it anymore and decides she'll convince him to take a shower together. The shower seems to be pretty normal up until he starts to wash his hair. Over and over and over he doesn't stop washing his hair until the entire bottle is empty.
The woman is distraught, a few more days go by and finally, thinking he isn't feeling clean using his, she tells her boyfriend that he should try her shampoo. 15 minutes go by and her boyfriend emerges from the bathroom with a big grin on his face. He tells her "This shampoo is great! And I only have to apply it once!" Happy, but confused, she finally asks "Why did you use so much of the other shampoo? Was there something wrong with it?". "No." he replies, "My shampoo directed me to Lather, rinse, and repeat. Yours said Lather, Rinse, and apply conditioner".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azocxh/a_woman_moves_in_with_her_balding_programmer/
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My therapist tell me to write evey bad aspect of the people i hate and then burn them

Now what am i suppose to do with these fucking letters ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azobfh/my_therapist_tell_me_to_write_evey_bad_aspect_of/
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A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azo7fv/a_good_romance_starts_with_a_foundation_of_trust/
%
Why are mechanics absent fathers?

Because they nut and bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azo4da/why_are_mechanics_absent_fathers/
%
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island...
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...
"Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?"
"yes" she said "anything!"
"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"
"ok..."
"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"
"wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly.
"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"
She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat.
"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"
"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited...
She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azo0zh/scarlett_johansson_and_some_guy_were_the_only/
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What do porn and heavy metal have in common?

Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aznowk/what_do_porn_and_heavy_metal_have_in_common/
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Dad: Hello son, can you come over and help me rape these leaves?

Dad: Oh my god! Damn autocorrect. My bad!
Dad: I meant *girls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aznlvo/dad_hello_son_can_you_come_over_and_help_me_rape/
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What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anybody can mash potatoes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aznlqd/whats_the_difference_between_mashed_potatoes_and/
%
mathematician

## Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
he'll stop at nothing to avoid them..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aznim4/mathematician/
%
Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aznfvi/handjobs_nsfw/
%
Some people are like parallel lines

Identical personalities but will never meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azn8dh/some_people_are_like_parallel_lines/
%
4 Soldiers around a Campfire.

(Not sure if this was done already but I heard this in boot camp. If I fucked it up I’m sorry.)
There are 4 soldiers sitting around a fire.
A Green Beret, A Navy Seal, a MARSOC Gunner, and a Delta Operator.
The MARSOC Gunner looks around for sec, then says “I once killed 20 men and carried 100 lbs of equipment for 10 miles.”
The Green Beret laughs and says, “Ha! I once killed 30 men with my rifle, and 5 with my knife. I walked 15 miles with 130 lbs of equipment! Eat that!”
Navy SEAL chuckles and says, “Really? I killed 60 men with a boat turret, and another 20 on land! I also SWAM 15 miles with 110 lbs of gear!”
He looks to the Delta Operator and says, “Top that, Asshat!”
Delta Operator doesn’t say anything, he just keeps stoking the coals of the fire with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azn3hw/4_soldiers_around_a_campfire/
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What’s a blind person’s favorite type of joke?

Dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azmz3w/whats_a_blind_persons_favorite_type_of_joke/
%
A head rolls into a bar

It orders a drink from the oldest bottle in the bar, the bartender points to an old bottle and shows it to the guy the man says “yes” the bartender proceeds to open the bottle and out of the bottle comes a genie who tells the head it has 3 wishes.
The head says “I wish I had my whole body”
The genie says “wish granted”
The head gets a body complete with arms legs hands and feet
The head says “I wish I could walk”
The genie says “wish granted”
The man now starts walking around the bar
The head then says “I wish I had the biggest penis ever”
The genies says “wish granted”
And the man becomes a giant penis
The bartender looks at the now penis and then looks at the genie and says
“Man he should have stopped while he was a-head”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azmvxu/a_head_rolls_into_a_bar/
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My wife is being sexually harassed at work

It all began when she started working from home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azmnyj/my_wife_is_being_sexually_harassed_at_work/
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What do you get when you cross a feminist with an alligator?

I don't know but you better keep it away from your balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azmmqp/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_feminist_with_an/
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My girlfriend is a pornstar

She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azmf7m/my_girlfriend_is_a_pornstar/
%
I bought a new weed-whacker today

It's cutting hedge technology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azmf09/i_bought_a_new_weedwhacker_today/
%
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that burned down?

They say there was nothing left but de brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azm6wd/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_in_france/
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What did the bikini-clad woman who was on the beach say when Michael Jackson approached?

Get out of my sun!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azm4fa/what_did_the_bikiniclad_woman_who_was_on_the/
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What is the similarity between acetone and Hitler?

They both remove polish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azm3ul/what_is_the_similarity_between_acetone_and_hitler/
%
I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azm1gd/i_bet_a_lot_of_money_that_scientists_will_be_able/
%
A guy lives in my building with the ability to change locks and unclog drains at will

He has super powers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azm176/a_guy_lives_in_my_building_with_the_ability_to/
%
The other day I passed a school with a car brand as their name

Can you imagine, who would call a school Tesla

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azm0e1/the_other_day_i_passed_a_school_with_a_car_brand/
%
Wanna hear my seal impression?

BABEH I COMPARE YOU TO A KISS FROM A ROSE DODEEDO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azlz2v/wanna_hear_my_seal_impression/
%
What do you call a generous gymnast?

A flipanthropist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azlx9u/what_do_you_call_a_generous_gymnast/
%
The weakest point of any car is...

the nut holding the steering wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azlr5p/the_weakest_point_of_any_car_is/
%
What's up with the British Broadcasting Corporation sponsoring so much interracial porn?

seriously wtf I just want to watch the news

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azlijn/whats_up_with_the_british_broadcasting/
%
The punchline comes first.

Why are Jeopardy jokes terrible?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azl7jl/the_punchline_comes_first/
%
I couldn’t remember what I was doing in baseball.

And that’s when it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azl15x/i_couldnt_remember_what_i_was_doing_in_baseball/
%
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance...

...so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azkyzt/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_check/
%
Farmer's Dilemma

A farmer had some wolves take out a couple of his best young chickens, a pullet (young female chicken) and a cock (male chicken).  He heard that his neighbor down the road had a few fine chickens for sale so he decided to walk over to see if he could strike a deal.
The farmer arrives at his neighbors place and after some haggling gets a great deal on a new pullet and cock.  While he is there he sees an old ass for sale and he asks the neighbor if he thinks that he could use it to haul things back on the farm.  The neighbor replied that he is a good worker but occasionally he will stop and you have to scratch his belly to get him moving again.  He again gets a good deal and marches off triumphantly with his pullet under one arm, cock under the other, and the reigns of his new ass in his hand.
The farmer gets about halfway back to his farm when the ass stops moving.  He cant scratch its belly since he would have to set down a chicken and risk it running off.  Unsure what to do he sees a carriage coming down the road which he promptly beckons.  A woman exits the carriage asking if he needs assistance to which he replies, "could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azkypf/farmers_dilemma/
%
How do clowns store files?

They store them on a flash drive with 32 gigglebytes of space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azkxl6/how_do_clowns_store_files/
%
A guy walks into a pharmancy to buy condoms...

The pharmacist is like "Size?". "Dunno.".
He hands him a board with lots of holes.
"Take this board and try it out in the backroom. "
Half an hour later...
"So which size is it?"
"Fuck the condoms, how much for the board?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azkvzd/a_guy_walks_into_a_pharmancy_to_buy_condoms/
%
Girlfriend: Your dick is so soft and smooth!

Me: thanks! I've been moisturizing it daily for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azku6n/girlfriend_your_dick_is_so_soft_and_smooth/
%
How many Alzheimer patients does it take to change a light-bulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azksu7/how_many_alzheimer_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
Why do Priests screw altar boys

Because nothing should be tighter than an altar boy's bond with god

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azkj4d/why_do_priests_screw_altar_boys/
%
When I drink a cup of coffee, I cannot sleep after.

\-Its the opposite for me
\-How?
\-Well, when i sleep, i cannot drink coffee...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azkf1c/when_i_drink_a_cup_of_coffee_i_cannot_sleep_after/
%
A woman goes to buy a parrot

The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Dave, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azkb0a/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot/
%
Photons hit you at over 300,000,000,00 m/s, and yet you don't even flinch.

It must be because they're so light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azk2yc/photons_hit_you_at_over_30000000000_ms_and_yet/
%
Did you hear about that diaster that killed all those sea cows?

Oh the hu-manatee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azjzj3/did_you_hear_about_that_diaster_that_killed_all/
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A man is taking off the condom after sex...

A man is taking off the condom after sex. His partner says, "Make sure to tie a knot in it."
The man says, "I can't. It's still hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azjv13/a_man_is_taking_off_the_condom_after_sex/
%
My Grandad was a great man and went down in history

And on one occasion he fingered a girl in geography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azjte4/my_grandad_was_a_great_man_and_went_down_in/
%
It wasn’t much fun breaking my neck and being in a cast..

But now I can look back and laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azjsp6/it_wasnt_much_fun_breaking_my_neck_and_being_in_a/
%
Want to hear a dirty joke?

A white horse fell in the mud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azjs06/want_to_hear_a_dirty_joke/
%
At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics.

She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"
"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."
"Please show me."
"Four, five, six, one two, three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azjr5c/at_school_a_teacher_is_teaching_little_kids/
%
The 35 floors

A mother and her child drive home after a long day. They park, enter their building and notice the elevator is broken. The mother, exhausted, sighs and starts climbing the stairs to the 35th floor, where they lived.
-"Mommy..."
-"Not now, honey, I'm too tired to talk..."
-"But mommy!"
-"I said not now!"
When they get to the 35th floor, the mother asks: "what'd you want, sweety?"
-"To tell you you forgot the keys in the car"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azjn13/the_35_floors/
%
A blonde, redhead and a brunette

are lost and have found a magic lamp, and rubbed it. A genie appears and grants them 3 wishes in total.
The redhead wished to be back home.
Poof, she was back home.
The brunette wished to be back with her family.
Poof, she was back with her family.
The blonde said: “Wow! I wish my friends were here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azjlc0/a_blonde_redhead_and_a_brunette/
%
Two men are at a train station....

First man goes to the ticket counter and is flustered by the attendant's huge breasts. He stammers out "Uh..I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh...I mean..Pittsburgh". Embarrassed, he pays and goes back to his friend and tells him "Man, I just had the worst Freudian slip...I asked for 'pickets to Tittsburgh'". His friends responds "That's nothing. Last night at dinner, I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt and instead I said 'You ruined my life you fucking bitch!'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azjkw0/two_men_are_at_a_train_station/
%
One of the many situations women tend to handle the wrong way...

Ladies, if a man brings you breakfast whilst you are still in bed, he wants to hear: "Oooh, that is so cute, thank you! I love you!" and not "HOW THE FRAK DID YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE YOU FRAKKING CREEP?!?!?!".
Just FYI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azjkb2/one_of_the_many_situations_women_tend_to_handle/
%
The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.
After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or telling tall tales.
All in all the young man feels as if he has found his calling.
A few weeks go by like this, the young man loving his new life except one part.. There are no women.
After a couple of months like this, he is starting to feel extremely uncomfortable with the situation and voices his complaints to his shipmates one evening.
"Why don't you just use the barrel?" Asks one of his mates with a surprised look .It turns out that down in the hold, in a dark corner there is a barrel, with a hole drilled into the side.. Whenever the sailors start to feel their urges rise, they simply go down to the barrel and take care of their business there.
The young man decides, with some scepticism, to try the barrel, and finds to his surprise that it is a wholly pleasant experience, in no way lesser than any he has had with real women before.
With this new found release the young man starts to enjoy his work even more. His days continue as before, and his evenings are still spent in pleasant company, but a new addition to his routine is a nightly visit to the barrel.
Another two months pass in this way and all is well, until one night as he gets up from his seat at the card table and announces that he is going to visit the barrel to his mates.A few chuckles greet this announcement and one of his friends asks "Trying to get the final fun out of it eh?"
"Final fun? Are we getting rid of the barrel?" The young man asks, worry playing over his face.
"Not at all mate, it's just that.. next month is your turn in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azjfxd/the_year_is_1804_and_a_young_man_enlists_on_a_ship/
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The people of Saudi Arabia don’t like The Flintstones

But the people of Abu Dhabi doooooo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azjbht/the_people_of_saudi_arabia_dont_like_the/
%
Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

Me: I don’t know, why?
Boss: Because the grandfather whose funeral you missed work for yesterday is on the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azj2bx/boss_do_you_believe_in_life_after_death/
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What happened to the guy who sold the secrets of the US poultry association?

He was ostrichacized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azj1tr/what_happened_to_the_guy_who_sold_the_secrets_of/
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How many homophobic people does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn't matter, they are scared off change even if it makes the world a bit brighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azizm4/how_many_homophobic_people_does_it_take_to_change/
%
How many flies does it take the screw in a lightbulb?

Just 2, but I’m not sure how they get in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azixsn/how_many_flies_does_it_take_the_screw_in_a/
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What do you get when you hit a poodle with a bulldozer?

A puddle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aziw5l/what_do_you_get_when_you_hit_a_poodle_with_a/
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You know what really boils my piss?

Hotel kettles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azitpf/you_know_what_really_boils_my_piss/
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Did you hear about the new officially branded Robocop vibrator?

Some people are saying it's too strong or two intimidating.  As just a point of this, as soon as you switch it on, a mechanical voice yells, "dead or alive, you're cumming with me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azit27/did_you_hear_about_the_new_officially_branded/
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How do you stop black kids bouncing on their beds?

Velcro the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aziq6p/how_do_you_stop_black_kids_bouncing_on_their_beds/
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What’s the difference between r/jokes and the postman?

The postman only posts it once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azil1e/whats_the_difference_between_rjokes_and_the/
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Yo mama so fat

I'm really concerned about her health, is she doing ok? I think she uses food as a coping mechanism. Let her know I'm here to talk if she needs support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azikqj/yo_mama_so_fat/
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A man with no ears is conducting 3 interviews.

He needs to find very observant candidates, but is very
sensitive about his ears.
He asks the 1st candidate, "We need very observant people. What is something you observe about me?"
He replies, "Well, you have no fuckin ears..."  The interviewer gets angry and throws him out.
He asks the 2nd candidate the same thing. "You have no fuckin ears" is the same reply, and out the door the applicant goes.
He asks the 3rd guy the same question. He replies, "You wear contact lenses."
This pleases the interviewer. "That's right! A very astute observation! How did you know?"
"Well, you can't wear glasses, you got no fuckin ears"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azidpf/a_man_with_no_ears_is_conducting_3_interviews/
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I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azi9l4/i_know_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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If I ran a night club I'd hire a rabbit to guard the front door.

I heard they're good bouncers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azi5mo/if_i_ran_a_night_club_id_hire_a_rabbit_to_guard/
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What do you have with a room full of 50 lesbians and 50 government employees?

100 people who don't do dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azi3hb/what_do_you_have_with_a_room_full_of_50_lesbians/
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A woman I had been seeing told me after we had sex for the first time, "I didn't know you had such a small organ."

I told her, "I didn't know I was going to be playing Carnegie Hall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azhz3x/a_woman_i_had_been_seeing_told_me_after_we_had/
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Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby boy born with no ears

Johnny's mom warns "Now listen Johnny, we are visiting the neighbours but you must not mention the baby's ears". After 10 minutes of staring at the new baby in his crib, Johnny says "Is his eyesight ok?" The baby's mother says "It's perfect" Johnny replied "Just as well, he'd be fucked if needed glasses"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azhyaf/little_johnnys_neighbours_had_a_baby_boy_born/
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I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azhvfh/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_the_calendar/
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How do you start a rave in africa?

Tie food to the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azhn0e/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_africa/
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Dr. Frankenstein is experimenting with a new monster made with a cheese body.

It's Frankenstein's Muenster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azhlop/dr_frankenstein_is_experimenting_with_a_new/
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I'm a surgeon/mailman

Overall I do a lot of de-livering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azhloj/im_a_surgeonmailman/
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Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business

I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azhk5g/building_grain_processing_facilities_is_a/
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URGENT BREAKING NEWS...

Corduroy pillow cases are making all the headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azhitz/urgent_breaking_news/
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My wife must have had a busy life before we met

She says I'm her sixty second lover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azhhm0/my_wife_must_have_had_a_busy_life_before_we_met/
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What do you call a one wheeled cycle for castrated men?

A eunuchcycle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azhed6/what_do_you_call_a_one_wheeled_cycle_for/
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I was on a beach once, roasting a seagull over a small fire

I heard footsteps on the rocks, and looked up to see a Conservation Officer approaching.
"Hey there, bud, whatcha cookin' there?"
I turned the bird slowly on its stick, then looked at the pile of feathers. "Western Gull, I think."
The officer widened his eyes, "Oh, ya can't be eatin' those, seagulls are protected, ya know."
I frowned, "Come on, there are so many, why would they be protected?"
"Yeah well, that's the law. I'll letcha off this time because ya didn't know, but don't be doin' it again, okay bud?"
I pinched off a crispy piece of the carcass, and popped it in my mouth. "Won't happen again."
He gave me a friendly but stern nod, and started walking away. After a few steps he stopped, and turned halfway. "By the way, just out of curiosity... how does it taste?"
I rolled the meat around in my mouth and thought for a moment. "Bit like Peregrine falcon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azhebm/i_was_on_a_beach_once_roasting_a_seagull_over_a/
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Doctor : You've got a problem in your eyes

Me : Oh i see
Doctor : No you can't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azh30h/doctor_youve_got_a_problem_in_your_eyes/
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Where does the president of the sharks live?

In the Great White House.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azgyms/where_does_the_president_of_the_sharks_live/
%
Yesterday I had sex with twins.

I'm now a doppelbanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azgwnk/yesterday_i_had_sex_with_twins/
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Why don't blind people sharpen pencils?

They don't see the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azguzx/why_dont_blind_people_sharpen_pencils/
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If I have a son I'm going to call him Dad

After my dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azgtjx/if_i_have_a_son_im_going_to_call_him_dad/
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An actor, a businessman and a redneck

are sitting in a bar on Christmas eve. The actor says, "I got my wife the perfect gift. A dress and a diamond necklace. That way if she doesn't like dress she has a diamond necklace."
The business man says, "I got my wife a new sweater and a ring. That way if she doesn't like the sweater she has a new ring."
The redneck says, "I got my wife a tee shirt and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the tee shirt she can go fuck herself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azgshu/an_actor_a_businessman_and_a_redneck/
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Every time I eat eggs benedict I'm reminded of my time in the Netherlands.

You know, my Holland days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azgr4k/every_time_i_eat_eggs_benedict_im_reminded_of_my/
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Non Alcoholic Beer

It's like going down on your first cousin. It might taste the same, but that doesn't make it right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azgqgz/non_alcoholic_beer/
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6:30 is the BEST time on the clock

Hands down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azgmvh/630_is_the_best_time_on_the_clock/
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What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say at a restaurant?

”Use the fork, Luke”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azgmij/what_did_obiwan_kenobi_say_at_a_restaurant/
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A Good Mother

A good mom will always let her child lick the cookie dough after she's finished mixing it.
The best mom will switch the mixer off first.
(This was a joke translated from Russian that my mom always told me. She was a pretty good mom ;( )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azgjy5/a_good_mother/
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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azgda1/a_man_escapes_from_a_prison_where_hes_been_locked/
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John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azg96a/john_went_to_visit_his_90_year_old_grandfather_in/
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Wish I could be ugly for just one day.

Being ugly everyday is pretty annoying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azg6on/wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_just_one_day/
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What's the best thing about Switzerland?

Well, there's the flag. That's a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azg4t8/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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Have you guys heard about the cobra who couldn't raise its head off the ground?

He had reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azg3tc/have_you_guys_heard_about_the_cobra_who_couldnt/
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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azfzve/my_girlfriend_and_i_began_having_sex_at_158am/
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A lonely old man in a nursing home was getting his lunch one day...

When he noticed a lonely old lady sitting alone on a bench outside and eating by herself. He walked up to her and introduced himself. They instantly hit it off. They decide that they are going to get together every day for lunch. After a few days of doing this, the man looks over at his new girlfriend and asks if she remembers sex. She laughs and says yes and I miss it so much! He says he misses it too but he hasn’t been able to get it up in years. But would she just at least hold it for a while? She agrees and they both find it very pleasing. They decide to do this every time they get together. He whips it out and she holds it for about an hour. One day she walks to the bench just like any other day, but the man is nowhere to be found! She figures he forgot so she starts walking back to her room. She then comes across another bench and there is the man with another woman holding his Johnson!! She gets mad. She yells. She cries. “What does she got that I haven’t got!!?!?!?” The man says “Parkinson’s “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azfz5m/a_lonely_old_man_in_a_nursing_home_was_getting/
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A Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.
Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"
"This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azfxwi/a_job_interview/
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Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts
and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again?  Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they
have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again.  "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
"Okay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azfvvn/hooters/
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It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.
Just like you, progress is slow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azfv7w/its_been_125000_generations_since_the_emergence/
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My girlfriend this morning: "Men were made to be heaters. Warm me up"

"Why do you think man discovered fire? So we can get out of these responsibilities"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azfqdk/my_girlfriend_this_morning_men_were_made_to_be/
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How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?

You have to chew before you swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azfn4u/how_do_you_know_if_a_guy_has_a_high_sperm_count/
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How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azfmp1/how_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
%
I'm allegedly sexually obsessed, so I went to a psychologist for a test.

First he drew a straight line and asked me what it is. "That's a penis", I responded.
Next he drew a circle, which I identified as a tit. Finally he drew a triangle, which looked like a vagina of course.
"No doubt," he said, "you are sexually obsessed."
"Are you kidding," I replied, "who did all those filthy drawings?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azfm6o/im_allegedly_sexually_obsessed_so_i_went_to_a/
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A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.”
The bartender looked at the man and said, “Is that nun in here again?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azfldo/a_man_is_drinking_in_a_bar_when_a_nun_harasses/
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There was once a 10 year old little boy

Riding his blue bicycle in his mountain town. He hears a strange, unfamiliar bell coming from the top of the nearby mountain. He decides to investigate the next day. He wakes up extra early at 7am and begins his summit to find the bell. He arrives at the top of the mountain after a long 12 hour bike ride. There is a large monastery, where the sound has originated. He knocks on the door and a monk answers. “Hello” said the boy. “Yes?” Replies the monk.
“I heard a bell coming from here yesterday, I’d like to know what it was.” Asked the boy.
The monk replied, “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you, you’re not a monk.”
The boy made the long ride back down the mountain and forgot about the bell. 6 years later on his 16 birthday, he bought his first car. The same day, he heard the strange bell again, and decided to investigate again, maybe he’d have better luck this time. He took his car and drove 2 hours up the mountain to the monastery. The same monk opened the door, and they had the same interaction as before, “what’s the sound” “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you, you’re not a monk”. So again the boy departed home. 15 years later, the boy is now a man, married, with 3 beautiful children and a red sports car. He hears the bell one day after work, and speeds up the mountain, this time he’s there in an hour and fifteen minutes. He arrives at the monastery and has the same interaction as the two previous times. So finally he says “I want to be a monk, to find out what that noise is”. The monk said, “First, you must sell your car, divorce your wife, abandon your kids and all your possessions, when you’re done, we can begin”. The man does what he’s told and comes back a month later. The monk is pleased to see him. “Take off your clothes, put on these robes and shave your head” the man complies. “Am I a monk now? “No, now read this encyclopedia and memorize everything, then you’ll be closer to being a monk”. The man memorized every word in the book and informs the other monk. It has taken him 4 years. “Am I a monk now?” The man pleaded, “no, Now I want you to find the needle in the hayfield out in the courtyard, then cut each blade of grass with scissors. This task takes the man 10 years. “Am I a monk ?” “Yes, you’re a monk” “what is the bell” the monk points to a door down the corridor. The new monk opens the door to see another, slightly smaller door. Then another. And another, until he’s only able to reach his arms through to open them. And finally he learns what the sound was, do you want to know what it is?
I’m sorry I can’t tell you, you’re not a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azfkvx/there_was_once_a_10_year_old_little_boy/
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I asked a high school teacher "What do you teach?" He said...

Idiots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azffmm/i_asked_a_high_school_teacher_what_do_you_teach/
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To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket. You can hide...

...but you can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azfemd/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_that_stole_my/
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Father: Son you were adopted

Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents
Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azfcca/father_son_you_were_adopted/
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My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I just don’t understand why she feels that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azfb3b/my_wife_just_accused_me_of_having_zero_empathy/
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The pain transformer

A pregnant couple arrived to the hospital after the woman started to feel contractions.
Seeing the woman's pain, the doctor offered a new treatment: A pain transformer which after applying it, the pain will pass (some percentage of it) to the father.
The father, who wanted best for his wife, bravely accepted the offer.
The doctor initated the procedure with  a 10% percentage of the pain transformed to the husband.
The husband was reliefed as he didn't feel anything and seeing his wife gaining some relief from the labor pain.
"Let's pump those numbers up! give me 50% of the pain" said the husband to the doctor.
The doctor applied the transformer to the mother and yet still the husband didn't feel any of the pain.
Seeing the relief on his wife's face and not feeling any pain himself, the husband wanted to help even more:
"Get me 100% of the pain doctor!"
The doctor shocked a little bit, obliged to the request and passed 100% percent from the mother to the father.
After few hours, a healthy boy was born on a painless birth.
The couple returned to their home only to discover that -
Their neighboor died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azf6pp/the_pain_transformer/
%
A kid falls into a well.

After a few hours, a man walks by and hears shouting.  He walks over to the well and yells "Is somebody down there?"
"Yes, please help me!"
"Okay, I called 911 and they're on the way.  How old are you?  What's it like down there?"
"I'm 14 and this is deep!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azf5c0/a_kid_falls_into_a_well/
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How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azf1s8/how_many_brexiteers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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The doctor

A doctor walks in to a man’s hospital room and says: So you know how they say time is like money?
The man says: Yeah…?
The doctor says: Well… you‘re broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azezyt/the_doctor/
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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azezes/a_student_visits_the_principals_office_one_day/
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Why do fence repair companies get bad ratings on Reddit?

Because they're only doing reposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azeywo/why_do_fence_repair_companies_get_bad_ratings_on/
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Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azer1i/bill_pulled_up_a_stool_at_his_favorite_bar_and/
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[NSFW] Baking cakes

A teenage boy wants to have sex with his girlfriend, but tells his parents that she's coming over to help him bake cakes while they're at work.
After doing the deed and spending some time with her, he walks her home before returning to his own house, his younger brother having arrived home in the meantime. His brother approaches his and says "you and your girlfriend were making cakes in the living room, weren't you?"
"Yeah, we were mixing ingredients while watching TV," the boy lies "how could you tell?"
"I was just licking the icing off the sofa."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azeqv9/nsfw_baking_cakes/
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A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azepl8/a_woman_was_sobbing_on_the_side_of_the_street/
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What is white and can’t climb trees?

A bath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azejiy/what_is_white_and_cant_climb_trees/
%
I’ve never been so happy to hear a girl say she loves me as a brother

She’s from Alabama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azej4q/ive_never_been_so_happy_to_hear_a_girl_say_she/
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I just lasted 61 mins in bed a new record!

Thanks Daylight savings time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azee4u/i_just_lasted_61_mins_in_bed_a_new_record/
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My antique wife.

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azedcw/my_antique_wife/
%
A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azeciw/a_mathematician_is_afraid_of_flying_due_to_small/
%
A man had 3 testicles.

There was a boy who started developing an extra testicle as he hit puberty. Gradually, it grew to full size and when he became sexually active by the age of 18, the extra testicle led to embarrassing encounters with his partners.
After his 20th birthday, he realised that he had been ignoring it for too long. He decides to consult a doctor.
He went to see the doctor. He rehearsed many times what he was going to say. When his turn came, he was not able to tell him his problem. Out of hesitation, he said, "Doctor, you and I together have 5 testicles".
Doctor was very surprised. With an expression of disbelief, he said, "You have just 1 testicle?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azebyh/a_man_had_3_testicles/
%
I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the *job."* the interviewer sighed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aze5h6/i_looked_her_square_in_the_eyes_and_said/
%
What do you call a slightly damp bear?

A Drizzly bear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aze53p/what_do_you_call_a_slightly_damp_bear/
%
A and E go to a bar.

A forgets his wallet so E buys the drinks. Thankful, A says to E “Hey, E, I owe you”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aze4ff/a_and_e_go_to_a_bar/
%
5 Minutes !

The police just knocked on my door and asked “Where were you around 8.05pm last night sir?"
"Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8pm to make love."
"Yes officer, that's true," my wife shouted over, "But god knows where he was at five past."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aze2el/5_minutes/
%
A blonde walks into a hairdressers

She asks the hairdresser for a trim. The hair dresser asks her to take a seat but tells the blonde she needs to remove her headphones.
Blondie insists she can't remove them and the lady will have to do the best job she can.
After a while the hairdresser gets frustrated and says, "sorry ma'am but I really need you to remove your headphones in order for me to do a proper job".
The blonde reluctantly agrees but insists the hairdresser will need to hurry.
A couple of minutes pass as the hairdresser is snipping away when suddenly the blonde drops to the floor. After checking for a pulse and determining she is in fact dead, the shocked hairdresser curiously slips the headphones on and hears....
Breathe in.... Breathe out.... Breathe in.... Breathe out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azdyg9/a_blonde_walks_into_a_hairdressers/
%
What building is the heaviest?

The church, because it has the most mass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azdwc3/what_building_is_the_heaviest/
%
What building is the tallest?

The library, because it has the most stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azdumk/what_building_is_the_tallest/
%
There's a sadist, a zoophile, a murderer, a necrophiliac, an arsonist and a masochist all sitting around a table in a mental institution.

Suddenly the sadist says, let's torture a cat. Then the zoophile says yeah let's torture a cat and then have sex with it. Then the murderer says, let's torture a cat, have sex with it and then kill it. The necrophiliac follows up with, let's torture a cat, have sex with it, kill it and then have sex with it again. Then the arsonist says, let's torture a cat, have sex with it, kill it, have sex with it again and then set it on fire. After a brief moment of silence the masochist just says meow.
( I read this somewhere online years ago and just recalled it, so I wanted to share)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azdr6f/theres_a_sadist_a_zoophile_a_murderer_a/
%
I just flew in, and boy are my arms tired...

Yeah, I masturbated the whole flight here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azdoa1/i_just_flew_in_and_boy_are_my_arms_tired/
%
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

I said, “Why?” He replied, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azdh3i/the_bouncer_said_to_me_im_going_to_have_to_ask/
%
Have you heard about that new movie “Constipation”?

It hasn’t come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azddx9/have_you_heard_about_that_new_movie_constipation/
%
I like to randomly throw things at ballerinas.

Keeps them on their toes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azddkj/i_like_to_randomly_throw_things_at_ballerinas/
%
I saw a sick friend in hospital today...

He was masturbating in the morgue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azdc80/i_saw_a_sick_friend_in_hospital_today/
%
I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today...

Unfortunately he kept taking things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azdbvn/i_was_trying_to_explain_puns_to_my_kleptomaniac/
%
I walked up to a girl with no arms or legs at the beach, she was crying.

I asked her why she was crying and she said, "I have never been hugged before".
So I crouched down and gave her a hug, she was still crying so I asked why she was still crying.
"I have never been kissed before", she said. So I leaned in and gave her a big ol' kiss.
She was STILL crying so I said, "Why the hell are you still crying?!"
She looked at me whimpering and said "I have never been fucked before".
So I picked her up and threw her into the ocean and yelled, "You're fucked now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azd6u5/i_walked_up_to_a_girl_with_no_arms_or_legs_at_the/
%
Did you hear about the pregnant woman who went into labor and started shouting, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"?

She was having contractions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azd6ij/did_you_hear_about_the_pregnant_woman_who_went/
%
An Irishman and a Mormon are on a plane.

The Mormon was seated next to the Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azd5vk/an_irishman_and_a_mormon_are_on_a_plane/
%
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azd4r9/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_mathematician_are/
%
A schizophrenic walks into a bar.

A sign above the bar reads "Absolutely No Schizophrenics Served At This Establishment!"
Bartender says "Hello.  What can I get you?"
The schizophrenic says "a shot of whiskey, and make it a double!"
The schizophrenic says "a shot of whiskey, and make it a double!"
Bartender narrows his eyes and says "Are you from around here?  I don't believe we've met."
The schizophrenic says "I actually live across town."
The schizophrenic says "I actually live just down the block!"
Bartender slams his fist on the bar and says "I Knew it!  You're a schizophrenic!   Get OUTTA HERE!!"
The schizophrenic leaps out the door and runs away.
The schizophrenic says "Oh man, I thought that guy would never leave!   Now, where's my whiskey!!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azd4aj/a_schizophrenic_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I've heard someone in our neighborhood is gay.

I hope it's the mailman, he's so cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azczs2/ive_heard_someone_in_our_neighborhood_is_gay/
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What's the difference between life and r/jokes?

In life, the repo man takes your car.
In r/jokes, the repost man takes your karma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azctcn/whats_the_difference_between_life_and_rjokes/
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What do you call a chiropractor that loves his job?

A crack addict.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azcrg3/what_do_you_call_a_chiropractor_that_loves_his_job/
%
Why did the snowman pull down his pants?

Because he saw the snow blower coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azcno9/why_did_the_snowman_pull_down_his_pants/
%
There's this guy with OCD who likes to collect containers.

Unfortunately for him, they're always ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azcil9/theres_this_guy_with_ocd_who_likes_to_collect/
%
Why couldn’t the poor man donate at the sperm bank?

He was too low income

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azccve/why_couldnt_the_poor_man_donate_at_the_sperm_bank/
%
According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azcc8n/according_to_statistics_the_highest_suicide_rate/
%
Today I inadvertently touched my inner self.

It was a shitty experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azcb6c/today_i_inadvertently_touched_my_inner_self/
%
Today is international Women's day

It was supposed to be yesterday but they took to long too get ready

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azc52s/today_is_international_womens_day/
%
My girlfriend asked me to stop using Wonderwall lyrics in conversations . . .

So I SAID MAYBE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azc4wk/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_stop_using_wonderwall/
%
A farmer has three daughters...

A farmer has three daughters and they all have dates on the same Saturday night. The daughters are upstairs getting ready and there’s a knock on the door.
The farmer answers the door to a nice looking young man who say:
“Hi, my names Joe I’m here to pick up Flo, we’re going to see a show... is she ready to go?”
Well the farmer think this is strange but explains that she’ll be down in a minute, and invited the young man in.
A few minutes later there’s another knock, which the farmer goes to receive and the young man at the door say:
“Hi, my names Eddie, I’m here to pick up Betty, we’re gonna get spaghetti, is she ready?”
Again, the farmer thinks this is odd, but shrugs it off and invites the young man inside to wait.
After a few more minutes there’s a third knock, and the farmer opens the door to a third guy.
“Hi, my names Chuck.......
The farmer shoots him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azc4qn/a_farmer_has_three_daughters/
%
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off of a cliff.

Ba Dum Tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azbxzc/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fell_off_of_a_cliff/
%
I'm not a racist, I just believe that...

the Indy 500 is superior to all other races.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azbvey/im_not_a_racist_i_just_believe_that/
%
A man comes home from work and checks his answering machine

There is a message from his doctor.
"Hello Mr. Stevens, this is Dr. Smith's office. We need to speak to you right away Please call back at your earliest convienence"
The man calls the doctor's office. The doctor answers.
The man says "Hello doc it's Jim Stevens. You left a message?"
The doctor says, "Yes, I've got bad news and worse news. Which would you like first?"
The man answers: "I guess I'll take the bad news first"
Dr.- "The bad news is you have 24 hours to live."
Man- "Oh my God! What could be worse than that?"
Dr.- I've been trying to reach you since last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azbvcg/a_man_comes_home_from_work_and_checks_his/
%
How do you know that your wife is dead?

Sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azbuq1/how_do_you_know_that_your_wife_is_dead/
%
What did Buddha said when he went to the hotdog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azbmu9/what_did_buddha_said_when_he_went_to_the_hotdog/
%
What’s the difference between a vegan prostitute and a feminist prostitute?

Nothing, both of them will give you 2 hour lectures when you tell them “eat my meat”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azbmeh/whats_the_difference_between_a_vegan_prostitute/
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The officer told me: "You're staggering".

I said: "You're quite handsome yourself"
We just laughed and laughed.
^^I ^^need ^^bail ^^money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azbkx2/the_officer_told_me_youre_staggering/
%
Death in the family

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azbeop/death_in_the_family/
%
What kind of money do Bloods use?

Cryptocurrency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azbeai/what_kind_of_money_do_bloods_use/
%
What do you call an Asian gang?

A study group.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azbdl9/what_do_you_call_an_asian_gang/
%
What’s the difference between a joke on here and styrofoam?

Styrofoam can’t be recycled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azb8ss/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_on_here_and/
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I went to my grandfathers house this weekend

On the first night, while eating dinner, I asked "Grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water could get them." He said
The next day, I asked again,"grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." He replied again
On the third day it was time for me to go home. I walked to his car and his dog was sitting in the car. "Grandad get your dog out of the car." "Oh, right" he said. He turned to the dog and said "Cold water! Get out of the car!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azb6j7/i_went_to_my_grandfathers_house_this_weekend/
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[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Glrhrglelgrglugr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azb50n/nsfw_what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the/
%
I'm not really a big fan of boat puns

But frigate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azb3jf/im_not_really_a_big_fan_of_boat_puns/
%
Life: Why do people love me and hate you?

Death: *scoffs* Have you met the millennials?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azb3e8/life_why_do_people_love_me_and_hate_you/
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My girlfriend asked me for a HI5 last night,

ended up giving her HI’V’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azb1uo/my_girlfriend_asked_me_for_a_hi5_last_night/
%
My 5 year old's joke: What do you call a snake with no legs?

A snake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azb0y8/my_5_year_olds_joke_what_do_you_call_a_snake_with/
%
A cowboy, who just

moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azaz6f/a_cowboy_who_just/
%
What do you call it when your Biology grade is close to an F?

Biodegraded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azax9z/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_biology_grade_is/
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The Naked Hippie

This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol.
A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude....cut me some slacks."
The end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azatc8/the_naked_hippie/
%
Son: Dad how do stars die?

Dad: Drugs, Usually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azalfd/son_dad_how_do_stars_die/
%
My life in 6 words

"I can't count."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azafqv/my_life_in_6_words/
%
A man had excruciating headaches

So he decided once and for all to go see a specialist to see what can be done.
After extensive scans and tests the doctor calls him in and gives him the bad news.
"I'm very sorry sir, you have a very rare case in which your nuts press up against the base of your spine which, in turn, is causing you these headaches."
So the man asks what can be done, and the doctor responds regretfully that the only solution he can think of is to cut off his balls.
The man is understandably upset but decides that there is nothing to be done and he can't live with these headaches any longer and so they schedule the surgery.
The day of the surgery arrives, and everything goes smoothly.
In recovery, the doctor sees the man is very depressed his jewels are gone for good and goes up to him to try and cheer him up.
"You know, just outside the hospital there is a very good tailer, why don't you give him a visit and get yourself some new clothes to feel better?"
The guy agrees that this might make him feel a little better and after getting discharged walks into this little tailor shop next to the hospital.
As he walks in he hears, "size 7 hat!"
Looking around he spots a diminutive old man in a tweed vest peering at him.
"What did you say?" asks the man.
"I said size 7 hat, that is your hat size, no?" answered the tailor.
"Well I don't know, I was never really a hat man, how did you know?"
"I have been doing this for 55 years. I can look at someone for a few seconds and tell you all their measurements!"
The man, disbelieving, decides to put this claim to the test. "Oh yeah? What's my shoe size?"
"42," came the prompt response.
"Shirt size?"
"18."
'Incredible,' thinks the man, 'this guy is good!'
"What about my pants size?"
"44," came the answer.
"Aha!" exclaimed the man, "I have worn size 42 pants my whole life!"
"Impossible," scoffed the tailor, "if you would wear size 42 pants, your nuts would press up against the base of your spine and cause you extreme headaches!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azafce/a_man_had_excruciating_headaches/
%
I’m a Marxist

Classless and moneyless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/azaadu/im_a_marxist/
%
A bit of rope walks into a bar...

A bit a rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve ropes here." The rope walks out of the bar and proceeds to twist himself around into a tangled mess. He then tousels the ends of himself before walking back into the bar. The bartender says "Aren't you that bit of rope I just kicked out?" to which the rope replies "Nope, I'ma 'fraid not"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aza5yq/a_bit_of_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I always sleep like a baby

Because I wake up in the middle of the night with tears running down my cheeks for literally no fucking reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aza5w4/i_always_sleep_like_a_baby/
%
What is the capital of Greece?

About 5 euros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aza5ae/what_is_the_capital_of_greece/
%
If no one else is eating Indian flatbread, I won’t either.

I guess you can say I’m a Naan conformist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aza4a5/if_no_one_else_is_eating_indian_flatbread_i_wont/
%
The barbershop

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours". The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About 3 hours". The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half". The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said "Hey Mike, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut but never comes back. A little while later, Mike returns to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go?" . Mike looked up, wiped away his tears and said, "Your house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az9zm3/the_barbershop/
%
what's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?

I don't have a Ferrari

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az9z7a/whats_the_difference_between_a_ferrari_and_an/
%
A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."
"You are the lawyer," says the police officer.
"Exactly, so where's my present?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az9wp8/a_man_was_arrested_and_taken_to_an_interrogation/
%
Guys I'm no longer a 19 year old virgin!

I'm now a 20 year old virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az9wmh/guys_im_no_longer_a_19_year_old_virgin/
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How can we stop anticipating things?

I do it a lot and I don't think it's healthy.
Edit 2: Holy moly This blew up!! Thanks for the gold, kind strangers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az9vlq/how_can_we_stop_anticipating_things/
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There are two rules for success in life:

1. Don't tell them everything you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az9v9k/there_are_two_rules_for_success_in_life/
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The FBI had an open position for an assassin

**The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az9tgs/the_fbi_had_an_open_position_for_an_assassin/
%
Doctor Who is a terrible procrastinator.

He leaves everything for earlier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az9rc2/doctor_who_is_a_terrible_procrastinator/
%
Girls. Never marry a magician.

Every time there is something you need him to do, he disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az9qp4/girls_never_marry_a_magician/
%
On my recent trip to Australia, I made the mistake of buying a boomerang with teeth.

Sure enough, it came back to bite me in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az9qhh/on_my_recent_trip_to_australia_i_made_the_mistake/
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An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam.

The doctor says that the man needs to provide a semen sample and gives him a jar saying, "Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a semen sample."
The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, "Well, doc, it's like this... first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing
The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, "You asked your neighbor???"
The old man replies, "Yep, not one of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az9ofk/an_85yearold_man_goes_to_see_his_doctor_for_his/
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A young woman complains to her mother

“I just can’t take it anymore, I wanna divorce Steve!”, she exclaims.
“What’s wrong my dear?”, asks her mom.
“All he wants to do is anal, my anus was the size of a dime when I got married and now it’s as big as a friggin quarter!” she cries.
“Well, my dear”, says the mom, “you don’t divorce someone over 15 cents!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az9nst/a_young_woman_complains_to_her_mother/
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What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

P. Without it they become irate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az9bfi/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it again):

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az9alt/i_cant_find_a_joke_i_read_here_yesterday/
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Hey man you just have to believe in yourself and even if you can't swim yet, you can wade through the water head up high...

Nope, I am only 4'10 and this is deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az96y8/hey_man_you_just_have_to_believe_in_yourself_and/
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What was Whitney Houstons favourite type of co-ordination?

Hand eyyyyyyyyyeeeee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az96gf/what_was_whitney_houstons_favourite_type_of/
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Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision

It was a rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az947d/just_paid_a_lot_of_money_for_a_really/
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I bought some Shoes from my drug dealer yesterday.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az8xwq/i_bought_some_shoes_from_my_drug_dealer_yesterday/
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What does Putin say to people when they’re sad?

Crimea river.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az8uon/what_does_putin_say_to_people_when_theyre_sad/
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What do you call someone who gets a sexual thrill from killing an animal?

A PETA-phile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az8tm9/what_do_you_call_someone_who_gets_a_sexual_thrill/
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I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking

He said he was busy and I'd just have to be a little patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az8osb/i_told_the_doctor_i_had_to_see_him_right_away/
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An Irishman's first drink with his son

I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink.
We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
I ordered him a Smithwick's. He hated it, so I drank it.
I bought him a Murphy's, he spit it out, so I drank it.
I tried him with that bland American beer Coors, he barely took a sip and pushed it away, so I drank it.
I figured maybe he would like Irish Whiskey instead, so I got him a shot of Jameson 18 year. He choked on it, so yeah, I drank that too.
I had him try Redbreast 12 year, the year's Irish Whiskey Awards top whiskey.
He turned away, wouldn't even smell it. What else could I do -  I drank it!
When I finally realized he just doesn't like alcohol, I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az8mtm/an_irishmans_first_drink_with_his_son/
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Unbelievable! I need to have a lobotomy tomorrow

I'm gonna give the surgeon a piece of my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az8ia4/unbelievable_i_need_to_have_a_lobotomy_tomorrow/
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A man is shaving

with a straight-edged razor when the razor drops out of his hands and lops off his penis. He gathers it up, stuffs it in his pocket,  rushes outside and hails a cab,  telling the driver to get him to the emergency room fast.
There he tells the surgeon what happened and the surgeon says, “We’ll have to work quickly. Give it to me.”
The man reaches into his pocket and deposits its contents in the surgeon’s hand.
“But this is a cigar,”  says the surgeon, “not a penis!”
And the man says, “Oh,  my God,  I must have smoked it in the cab.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az8i6i/a_man_is_shaving/
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My wife hit the fucking roof when she opened her birthday present.

Maybe I should have told her it was an inflatable dinghy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az87qv/my_wife_hit_the_fucking_roof_when_she_opened_her/
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So a horse wants to start a band...

The horse needs some of his friend from the farm to help him out so they can become a band.
First he needs a guitarist, and who better than his friend chicken who played guitar for 3 years. He asks chicken if he wants to join and he agrees.
Next he needs a drummer, so horse thought about asking sheep who was a professional drummer for another band a long time ago. Sheep agrees and says he’ll play.
Finally horse needed to find a bassist. This was difficult because no one he knew played the bass, but one of chicken friends, pig, played the bass so chicken asked his friend if he wanted to join. Pig said sure so pig came to the farm to meet the rest of the band
They played a couple of gigs and got really good over the period of 6 months, so good in fact they were asked by a famous television talk show host if they wanted to come in and perform for the show. The band gladly agreed and got ready to go. The host was a couple of states away so they had to take a plane, and so the day came and they went on the plane early. Turned out the flight was overbooked and so horse said that he could wait for the next one since they were so early. Horse took the next flight a while later and landed after a couple hours. Horse got off of the plane to find people in terror looking at the broadcasted news show in the airport he landed in, so watching the tv he saw that the flight his friends were on had crashed and there were no survivors.
The horse a day later was really depressed so he went to a bar to drink his problems away. When he walked in he sat at the counter and the bartender took a look at him, seeing he was sad. Out of curiosity and wanting to see if he could help, the bartender approached the horse and asked, “Why the long face?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az85vp/so_a_horse_wants_to_start_a_band/
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Today is "International Women's Day",

but don't worry guys “International Men’s Day” is coming April 1st.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az7x5h/today_is_international_womens_day/
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There’s only one thing I can arouse

Suspicion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az7uxu/theres_only_one_thing_i_can_arouse/
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After saving the universe from Thanos, Thor spent the night with a beautiful woman.

The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."
She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az7r1k/after_saving_the_universe_from_thanos_thor_spent/
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Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, engaged in sawing machine ballet.
Beside himself with shock and grief he retreats down the steps, drops the box of chocolates and the flowers in defeat as his life flashes before his eyes. His suicidal thoughts are interrupted by mattress testing getting louder. He snaps, grabs a baseball bat and goes back into the bedroom.
There he goes to town on the love birds under the blankets, whacking until all movement stops.
A few minutes later, he is in his kitchen, contemplating ending himself, when his wife comes up from the basement.
Hi baby - she says - I'm very happy to see you back early, but since you weren't supposed to be here tonight and your parents showed up late, I hope you don't mind I let them have our bedroom for the night. I'm pretty sure they're still up, have you had a chance to say hello?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az7piy/guy_decides_to_surprise_his_wife_by_coming_home/
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A fly flew into my boyfriend's eye...

Told him they'd stop bugging him if he made less eye contact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az7i4s/a_fly_flew_into_my_boyfriends_eye/
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Why don't soldiers wear yellow and pink?

They'd get too much flak for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az7fzj/why_dont_soldiers_wear_yellow_and_pink/
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Milk is the fastest liquid

It's pasteurized before you've even seen it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az7fd2/milk_is_the_fastest_liquid/
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I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az7crk/i_collected_a_lot_of_data_trying_to_disprove/
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe with that thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az7cpe/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
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All women are bi.

It's your job to figure out if it's -sexual or -polar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az77kd/all_women_are_bi/
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Three boys are bragging about their dads

The first kid says: "My father is a cop. When people talk to him, they have to call him 'officer'."
The second kid: "I can do better. My father is a judge, and when people see him, they have to say 'Your honour'."
The third kid: "That's nothing! My father is immensely fat, and when people see him, they say  'Oh my God...'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az77de/three_boys_are_bragging_about_their_dads/
%
What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut, you racist prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az737r/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_in_space/
%
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

It was actually the rooster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az72ks/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
Two Irishmen leave a funeral

One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az70kz/two_irishmen_leave_a_funeral/
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

ground beef
What do you call a cow with 1 leg?
A steak
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
your mom :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az6sz8/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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Two monkeys sit in a bath

One monkey says: "OOOH OOOH AAAH AAAH AAH OOH"
The other monkey then says: "Well put some cold water in then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az6o8u/two_monkeys_sit_in_a_bath/
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A man was selling his TV

on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks
'You're selling your TV for only a dollar?
'Yep.'
'It looks brand new!'
'It is.'
'What's wrong with it?'
'The volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that.'
'So whatever I watch will be on max sound, anf you're only selling this for a dollar?'
'Yep'
'Wow, I can't turn that down.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az6hmt/a_man_was_selling_his_tv/
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Boyfriend and boy friend are different.

Because the space in between is called friendzone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az6hf4/boyfriend_and_boy_friend_are_different/
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A sperm donator, a carpenter, and a married man walks into a bar

He came, he saw, he left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az6fb1/a_sperm_donator_a_carpenter_and_a_married_man/
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What is Jesus’s least favorite sport?

Basketball
Because he hates being crossed up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az6cai/what_is_jesuss_least_favorite_sport/
%
Some people say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better

But I just think it ruins the pineapple juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az6a44/some_people_say_pineapple_juice_makes_your_cum/
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"Mom, I don't like grandma..."

"Shut up and eat what's on your plate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az66yr/mom_i_dont_like_grandma/
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A mechanic has just finished a particularly tough job. When the customer shows up to get the vehicle, it turns out to be a surgeon. He vents in frustration to the doctor: “I don’t get it! How come I bust my butt all day putting cars back together, and only make a fraction of what you do?”

“After all, is there really that much different? I open cars up, I fix them. You open people up, you fix them. What gives?”
The doctor pauses, and politely replies: “Well, I see your point there...but try doing all that with the engine running.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az5yu4/a_mechanic_has_just_finished_a_particularly_tough/
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What do you get when you empty the Smithsonian?

The Air and Space Museum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az5thz/what_do_you_get_when_you_empty_the_smithsonian/
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What did the gay midget do?

He came out of the cupboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az5ny9/what_did_the_gay_midget_do/
%
The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az5jb4/the_keynote_speaker_for_the_medical_conference/
%
When is the best time to run a marathon?

During Lent. That's when you fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az5hnj/when_is_the_best_time_to_run_a_marathon/
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What do you call an alligator that solves crimes and day trades on the side?

An Investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az5gsn/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_that_solves_crimes/
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Did you guys hear what happened to the blind circumciser?

He got the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az5fx7/did_you_guys_hear_what_happened_to_the_blind/
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Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Give him a poisoned fish and you will feed him for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az5fkq/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_will_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
How did the plumber die?

He committed sewercide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az5dhg/how_did_the_plumber_die/
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A man is standing in line at the pearly gates...

When he strikes up a conversation with the man next to him. ''So how did you die,'' he asks him. The man responds ''Oh I froze to death. It wasn't too bad, pretty peaceful. What about you?''
The man says ''well I was a rich man with a huge house and a nice car and I began to think my wife was cheating on me. So I came home early one day and ran up to the 3rd floor to the bedroom. My wife was in the bed but no one else was there. So I ran all the way down to the basement and checked there. Then I ran all the way up to the 4th floor. Still no one. I ran to the 1st, the 3rd, the 2nd and still no one else. So I ran all the way back to the first floor thinking he might be in the backyard and just as I reached the back door, BOOM! I had a massive heart attack and died.''
''Wow,'' the other man said. ''That really sucks!''
''I know! Never thought I'd die so suddenly,'' the first man replied.
''No you don't understand, that really sucks! If you had just looked in the freezer we'd both still be alive!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az5cns/a_man_is_standing_in_line_at_the_pearly_gates/
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A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly

Dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.
A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.
A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for it to go for the fish to shoot it.
A mouse sees the cheese sandwich and decides to wait for the hunter to shoot so that the sandwich will fall and he can get it.
A cat sees the mouse and decides to wait for it to go for the sandwich to jump and catch it.
So, the fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes for it, the hunter shoots, the sandwich falls, the mouse goes for it, and the cat jumps, but he misses and goes into the water.
The moral of the story: when the fly drops five inches, the pussy gets wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az5bgy/a_fly_flies_back_and_forth_over_a_river_repeatedly/
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“Mom? What’s dark humor?”

“Well son...you see that man with no arms sitting over there? Tell him to clap.”
“Mom! I’m blind.”
“Exactly.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az541k/mom_whats_dark_humor/
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I ordered rabbit stew but had to return it.

There was a hare in my soup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az52u4/i_ordered_rabbit_stew_but_had_to_return_it/
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A Socialist, a Marxist, and a Postmodernist walk into a strip club.

The bouncer checks their ID's and says
"sorry guys, come back when you're 21."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az50fw/a_socialist_a_marxist_and_a_postmodernist_walk/
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How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?

Tenants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4z43/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_fill_an_apartment/
%
The Monk and the Hot Dog stand

A monk walks up to a hotdog vendor. The vendor asks what he would like. The monk replies "make me one with everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4ylu/the_monk_and_the_hot_dog_stand/
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A year ago, my doctor told me I only had six months left to live.

Then I couldn’t pay the bills so he gave me another six.
(Goodfellas)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4xj8/a_year_ago_my_doctor_told_me_i_only_had_six/
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What do you call the place where bad noodles live?

The Spaghetto
What do you call noodles who can’t remember anything?
Forgetti
I’d like to apologize for wasting your time with these terrible jokes, just trying to get pasta really boring morning.
I hope my internet points don’t take a hit too, that would cost me a pretty penne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4v36/what_do_you_call_the_place_where_bad_noodles_live/
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I met a Jewish girl and she asked me for my number.

I told her we use names here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4srx/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_me_for_my_number/
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A man calls his home and a boy answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"
"Hey dad it's me," answers the boy
"Shouldn't you be in school?" The man asks
"Mum said i could stay home because I'm ill" The boy answers
"Where is your mother?" asks the man.
The boy says, "She's upstairs in bed with the postman."
The man is fuming and says to the boy, "Listen very carefully, I need you to do something."
"What will I have to do?"
The man tells him, "I want you to get my gun from the garage, and then come back."
The boy puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then the boy comes back.
"Now what, Dad?" He asks.
"Go upstairs to where your mum is, and shoot her and whoever she is with."
The man hears footsteps, then two gunshots, and the boy comes back.
"What do I do with the bodies" the boy asks
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the boy answers, "But we don't have a pool."
There is a long pause, before the man answers.
"Sorry, wrong number."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4oj8/a_man_calls_his_home_and_a_boy_answers/
%
How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4nb6/how_do_you_get_rid_of_capitalism/
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Dentist: “you need a crown”

Patient: “finally someone who understands me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4mqf/dentist_you_need_a_crown/
%
Not all math puns are terrible.

Just sum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4ix7/not_all_math_puns_are_terrible/
%
I wasn’t surprised when my son told me had a boyfriend.

No wonder his dick had started to taste like shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4i47/i_wasnt_surprised_when_my_son_told_me_had_a/
%
When I was younger, I used to put porn on the TV when my parents went shopping.

The Best Buy employees didn't really appreciate it though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4hgp/when_i_was_younger_i_used_to_put_porn_on_the_tv/
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Man is at a job interview

Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000.
Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4gg2/man_is_at_a_job_interview/
%
On the Red Carpet

Reporter: "Who are you wearing?"
Buffalo Bill: "I'm so glad you asked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4fen/on_the_red_carpet/
%
Confucius say:

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4dao/confucius_say/
%
What do You call a crowdfunding site for cannibalistic monsters?

Windigogo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4ce3/what_do_you_call_a_crowdfunding_site_for/
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Having gay parents must be the worst

Either you get twice the amount of dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4c92/having_gay_parents_must_be_the_worst/
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I lost 5 pounds in 10 minutes!

But I wouldn't go in that bathroom for at least an hour...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az4adn/i_lost_5_pounds_in_10_minutes/
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On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.
On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.
On Thursday, 3.
On Friday, 5.
On Saturday, 8.
And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.
That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az49ie/on_monday_hitler_told_1_lie/
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What would you call Usain Bolt if he was a spongebob squarepants fan?

The cash slinging dasher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az43gs/what_would_you_call_usain_bolt_if_he_was_a/
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My friend is obsessed with taking selfies in the shower, but they always turn out blurry

He has selfie steam problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az420u/my_friend_is_obsessed_with_taking_selfies_in_the/
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My doctor told me to drink hard alcohol for my depression...

Turns out absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az3wgy/my_doctor_told_me_to_drink_hard_alcohol_for_my/
%
It's like what my late father used to always say

"Stop telling people I died!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az3w5j/its_like_what_my_late_father_used_to_always_say/
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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az3ub2/a_guy_gets_home_early_from_work_and_hears_strange/
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What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az3sc8/what_do_pink_floyd_and_dale_earnhardt_have_in/
%
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine

But Catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az3s6j/dogs_cant_operate_an_mri_machine/
%
If you meet a woman, start talking about global warming.

It’s a real icebreaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az3puc/if_you_meet_a_woman_start_talking_about_global/
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Medically, what happens to a man if he never masturbates?

Nobody knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az3mqp/medically_what_happens_to_a_man_if_he_never/
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3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them.

But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az3fyv/3_europeans_come_to_america_they_all_get_captured/
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What do you call a squirrel with a food fetish?

Fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az3flp/what_do_you_call_a_squirrel_with_a_food_fetish/
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A man went into a bookstore and complained...

“I bought this book from you yesterday, 'Cowards in History' and all the pages fell out!"
The sales assistant said, “That’s because it has no spine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az3ct4/a_man_went_into_a_bookstore_and_complained/
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A Gynecologist who became a Mechanic...

A Gynecologist became fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to a local technical college, and signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When time for his final exams approached, the Gynecologist prepared carefully, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back he was surprised he received a final score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying "I don't want to be ungrateful for such and outstanding grade, but I'm wondering if the was a mistake in the grade".
The instructor said "During the final exam you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total score. Then you put it back together perfectly which was worth 50% of the total score".
After a pause the instructor added "I gave you another 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az3bu5/a_gynecologist_who_became_a_mechanic/
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A woman is pregnant with triplets.

She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.
The woman ends up giving birth to two girls and a boy.
13 years later the first daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened.
A few days later the second daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, my period just started and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened.
A few days later she sees the son laughing hysterically and approaches him and asks what's the matter.
The son replied, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az39c5/a_woman_is_pregnant_with_triplets/
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A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.
They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to help them live for as long as possible. He broke the news to his friends, and they weren't too happy about it, but they decided to go along with it anyways, because they knew how out-of-shape they all were. It was tough for them all to stick to the plan at times, however they got through it together. They each lost between 120-140 pounds over the course of 20 years and were in amazing shape for their age.
One day the 3 of them were given great news.
Bert got a call, he answered it, then turned around to everyone and said:
"Guys! My daughter just had a child! I'm going to be a grandpa!". Everybody was celebrating for Bert when Earl got a call from his son. He answered it, and turned around to everybody and said:
"Guys! My son is going to get married today! I'm so excited!". Everybody was now celebrating for Bert and Earl, when Chester got a call. He answered it, turned around and said to everybody:
"Guys! My family is having a reunion today! I'm going to see so many people that I haven't seen in years!".
They found out that the wedding, hospital, and park where the reunion was were all in the same town, and decided to carpool together to get there. It had snowed a little the day before and the roads were a little icy. As they were getting onto the highway, their car slipped and ran into a semi-truck. It killed all three of them.
The three of them wake up together in heaven. They notice an angel standing over them and one of them asks
"Where are we?". The angels says:
"Congratulations, you made it to heaven". The angel decides to show them around the place and starts at a banquet. "Here is a banquet for you three to enjoy, you've earned it". Chester looks a little sad, and Earl notices and asks him,
"What's wrong?". Chester finally speaks up,
"Okay, this is so nice of you to put together, but we're on a diet. I wouldn't want to overdo my calorie intake for the day". The angle replies to them,
"No worries, you can have as much food as you like without worrying about it". The guys are elated by that news, when the angel decides to show them another place.
Next, the angel decides to show them a place where they can spend time having fun. He shows them to a massive building with games everywhere you look. There are at least 50 pool tables, 30 bowling alley lanes, people are playing poker, there are arcade games everywhere, and tons of people enjoying themselves. He tells them,
"This is where you may spend much of your time, if you choose. Many people enjoy it here and you might find some new friends". The guys really like this room, but Earl notices that Chester is looking sad again. Earls asks him,
"What's wrong?". Chester responds with,
"My wife left me because of my gambling problems, I don't want to disappoint anyone else because of it. I'm afraid I wont be able to enjoy this area". The angel then slightly irritated lets him know,
"Don't you see? There are no problems here. You don't have to worry about gambling issues, because money isn't an issue here". Chester is especially happy to hear that news, and the angel decides to show them where they are going to live.
The angel finally takes them to the third place, and it is a huge mansion. The guys are led inside, when the angel says,
"This is where you three can live, if you choose to. Otherwise we have some other mansions, if you want to live alone". The guys are very intrigued by the house, they notice a big window on a wall with an amazing view. They could see for at least 5 miles clearly. They all can't help but gasp when looking through the window. Earl can't help but be concerned about this place. He decides to ask,
"So, uh... What's the rent here?". The angel looks back at them with an irritated glare are replies
"Nothing? It's free". Earl is sure to thank the angel and says,
"Wow! That's so kind of you guys!". Bert notices that Chester is looking a little sad. Bert says,
"What's wrong Chester? Isn't it amazing here?". Chester looks up, looks Bert in the eye and says a little mad,
"If it weren't for your goddamn diet. Bert. We could've been here 20 years ago!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az3932/a_priest_told_me_this_joke_as_a_kid/
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My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az32q0/my_friend_is_making_a_lot_of_money_by_selling/
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Criminals who work in groups should be proud of themselves.

They’ve accompliced a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az2zmt/criminals_who_work_in_groups_should_be_proud_of/
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What do you call it when you round up 69 sheep?

70 sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az2x8s/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_round_up_69_sheep/
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Saw an over weight goth today,

I thought to myself, he's morbidly obese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az2ws8/saw_an_over_weight_goth_today/
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Just waiting for my sister at Heathrow Airport,

as I saw her emerge in arrivals I shouted, "Hi sis, " Never seen as many armed police appear as quickly in my life!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az2sp0/just_waiting_for_my_sister_at_heathrow_airport/
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I once tried eating an hourglass...

It was very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az2qg5/i_once_tried_eating_an_hourglass/
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Finally got the courage to introduce my girlfriend to my family

Safe to say my wife wasn’t happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az2ofv/finally_got_the_courage_to_introduce_my/
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Me and the wife were walking past this plush restaurant last night and she said ‘wow it smells amazing in the there!’. I thought, let’s treat her...

...so we walked past it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az2jc3/me_and_the_wife_were_walking_past_this_plush/
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Unbelievable!!! My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, so in revenge I stole her wheelchair...

Well, guess who came crawling back today...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az2hbv/unbelievable_my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me/
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The only time kids are shot in school in Canada is..

Picture day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az2cau/the_only_time_kids_are_shot_in_school_in_canada_is/
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A boy says to his teacher

"Miss, did you know that God uses our bathroom at home?"
"What do you mean, God uses your bathroom?"
"Well every morning my daddy bangs on the bathroom door and shouts 'God, are you still in there?!?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az2buk/a_boy_says_to_his_teacher/
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Unvaccinated kid in the pool: Marco

Pool: Polio :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az28ty/unvaccinated_kid_in_the_pool_marco/
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A man enters an elevator of a fine hotel and says, "Ballroom please"...

To which the lady standing in front of him replies, "Oh! I'm so sorry, I didn't realise I was crowding you!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az28nw/a_man_enters_an_elevator_of_a_fine_hotel_and_says/
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What’s an Anti-Vaxx kid’s favourite game?

Marco Polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az27yl/whats_an_antivaxx_kids_favourite_game/
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I was fired from the calendar factory, wanna know why?

I took a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az27bv/i_was_fired_from_the_calendar_factory_wanna_know/
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I was at my school disco..

Walking across the hall to get a drink. One of my classmates came up to me and said ‘dude, your shoes are on smoking hot!’
I gave them a smile and kept walking to get a drink. Another classmate then approached me and said ‘hey bro, you’re on fire tonight!’
I gave them a wink and some goodbye guns and continued towards the queue of people waiting for a beverage.
It’s at that point that the fire alarm and sprinklers go off and everybody is immediately evacuated from the disco.
Typical, I thought.
Just as I was about to get to the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az26kj/i_was_at_my_school_disco/
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It’s over three weeks since I went to the doctors to get my ears looked at

And I still haven’t heard anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az25qs/its_over_three_weeks_since_i_went_to_the_doctors/
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How did Quasimodo know that Esmeralda wasn't in love with him?

He had a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az24k4/how_did_quasimodo_know_that_esmeralda_wasnt_in/
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Procrastinators Unite!

Tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az218s/procrastinators_unite/
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Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az1zwf/floor_13_may_be_haunted_but_floor_666/
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you; you have my Word. You’ve taken my one only good Outlook in life. Seriously though, how did you gain Access & why did you only leave OneNote?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az1uxl/whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office/
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I’ve never tried eating donkey

I imagine it tastes like ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az1svg/ive_never_tried_eating_donkey/
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One night, there was a rustle in the bushes.

His mom shouted, "Russel, get out of the bushes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az1ooy/one_night_there_was_a_rustle_in_the_bushes/
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I tried to overdose Viagra.

But apparently whatever doesn't kill you only makes you harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az1hbh/i_tried_to_overdose_viagra/
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Don't overdo your cross-training.

Like Jesus did for our sins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az1fmj/dont_overdo_your_crosstraining/
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“Leroy, sit down!”

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's this one?" Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right..." says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just yell 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come a runnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I calls them by their last names."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az1fev/leroy_sit_down/
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The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.

I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az1dd2/the_owner_of_the_local_strip_club_has_a_lisp/
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Crude Dental Work (In Australian)

Man on island, has bad tooth. Needs tooth removed. Friend with an axe is like, I know what to do mate. Uses axe to try to remove tooth but unintentionally knocks out all his teeth. First guy is like, Ouch-aroo mate, that is a 10/10 on the pain scale. Axe guy says, 'Hey man, it was Axe-y Dental'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az1csv/crude_dental_work_in_australian/
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What's the difference between a hunter and a constipated owl?

One shoots and tries to hit, the other hoots and tries to...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az1cgd/whats_the_difference_between_a_hunter_and_a/
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the person who invented knock knock jokes ...

deserves a Nobel prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az1c6o/the_person_who_invented_knock_knock_jokes/
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I recall my fist time with a condom

I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az15f6/i_recall_my_fist_time_with_a_condom/
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My friend was smiling so sweetly at me the other day that I asked him if he was gay.

I didn't get a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az14bv/my_friend_was_smiling_so_sweetly_at_me_the_other/
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Steve Irwin died just how he lived

with animals in his heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az0ua3/steve_irwin_died_just_how_he_lived/
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I bought a new heater for my wife, as she is constantly complaining about how cold our house is.

She didn't like it at first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az0rqz/i_bought_a_new_heater_for_my_wife_as_she_is/
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What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az0q9e/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. Men can be feminists too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az0osi/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I'm having trouble with my Bonnie Tyler LEGO sculpture

Every now and then it falls apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az0fhb/im_having_trouble_with_my_bonnie_tyler_lego/
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What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az0ec7/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
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My girlfriend begged me to make her scream

so I set her cat on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az0crc/my_girlfriend_begged_me_to_make_her_scream/
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I have this friend. She always keeps telling me real women have curves.

But I don’t think her scoliosis counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az08p0/i_have_this_friend_she_always_keeps_telling_me/
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My wife caught me cross-dressing and said its over

So I packed her clothes and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/az01hd/my_wife_caught_me_crossdressing_and_said_its_over/
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What do you call a wet baby owl?

A moist owlet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayzy7z/what_do_you_call_a_wet_baby_owl/
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How fast can Captain Underpants travel?

The speedoflight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayzsm1/how_fast_can_captain_underpants_travel/
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Jack and the Blonde

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said,  "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."  The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."  Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.  The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too;  but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayzd41/jack_and_the_blonde/
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Did you hear about the man whose left hand and foot got amputated?

He's alright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayzc6k/did_you_hear_about_the_man_whose_left_hand_and/
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My sex life is just like this joke

The tag is lying about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayz5gr/my_sex_life_is_just_like_this_joke/
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What should you do if it gets too cold inside your pancreas?

Install some insulination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayz57q/what_should_you_do_if_it_gets_too_cold_inside/
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3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp

One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!
"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!
"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.
And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him!
"I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said.
And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head.
Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better.
"I wish for a meatier shower!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayz4zf/3_dinosaurs_walk_up_to_a_shiny_lamp/
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Was it worth it?

A boy wanted to take his crush to prom. So one day he decided to ask her. He said, “Will you go to prom with me?” But got no response.
He waited and waited and waited...
Until finally she said yes. So he became excited and started preparing. He bought a tuxedo and asked her what dress she wanted. She didn’t reply so,
He waited and waited and waited…
Until she told him that she wanted a navy blue dress. After buying the dress, renting a limo, and getting roses he showed up on her doorstep waiting to take her to prom. He rang her doorbell and,
He waited and waited and waited…
Until her dad opened the door and welcomed him inside. The dad said, “Come inside, she’s still getting ready.” So he came inside and,
He waited and waited and waited…
Until she finally came downstairs. They took pictures and had loads of fun. When they got they had to wait in line to take pictures.  The line was really long so,
He waited and waited and waited…
Until finally they got pictures. After taking pictures they finally got to the dance floor. They danced all night and when the girl got tired she asked the boy to go get some punch.
The boy looked and looked but he couldn’t find the punch. So when went and asked the DJ the DJ said, “There is no punchline”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayyy95/was_it_worth_it/
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How does a mailman kill his enemies?

He de-livers them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayyu64/how_does_a_mailman_kill_his_enemies/
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My wife said she always right.

I tried to be right once and she left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayytxy/my_wife_said_she_always_right/
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I was having the worst possible day. To cap it off my baker screwed up the topping of my birthday dessert!

It was the icing on the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayytsa/i_was_having_the_worst_possible_day_to_cap_it_off/
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What's the coldest type of reptile?

A blizzard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayysa4/whats_the_coldest_type_of_reptile/
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What’s the biggest lie in the universe?

“I have read and agreed to the Terms & Conditions”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayyrk2/whats_the_biggest_lie_in_the_universe/
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What did a man say after being escorted out of the sperm bank?

"Well I won't be coming here again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayyrds/what_did_a_man_say_after_being_escorted_out_of/
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Confucius say: Man who jump off bridge in Paris

is in-Seine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayyr6q/confucius_say_man_who_jump_off_bridge_in_paris/
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A Marine

squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Squad Leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum-bag who got what he deserved.
He yelled back, "Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said, "Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayyqtq/a_marine/
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I like my women how I like my coffee.

Medium cold, French Vanilla and Caramel Swirl, Regular.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayyqss/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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What's a flat-earther's least favorite gun?

A revolver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayypwr/whats_a_flatearthers_least_favorite_gun/
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if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayyp3h/if_you_put_a_man_in_a_place_where_the_temperature/
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The Coolidge Effect

President Coolidge and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm.
When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day."
Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by."
Upon being told, the President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time."
President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayyn0e/the_coolidge_effect/
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I need to work on my indecisiveness

On second thought maybe I don’t need to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayyjv2/i_need_to_work_on_my_indecisiveness/
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Why are women and children evacuated first during disasters?

So the men can think of a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayyh4o/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_during/
%
Why do hipsters and environmentalists love Reddit?

Because everything is recycled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayyg4u/why_do_hipsters_and_environmentalists_love_reddit/
%
I saw a dead raccoon on the side of the road today

Lucky bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayyc79/i_saw_a_dead_raccoon_on_the_side_of_the_road_today/
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The Stalin joke

Stalin, the glorious leader, is giving a speech to his comrades.
Then, in the crowds of people, someone sneezes, interrupting his speech.
This pisses him off.
“Who sneezed?!” He yells into the terrified crowd
No one answers
So he orders the first row of people shot.
Then he asks again “who sneezed?!”
No answer, so he points to the second row, and is about to order them to get shot when someone yells.
“I did it comrade Stalin! I sneezed”
And Stalin turns, smiles, then says...
“Bless you comrade.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayy9in/the_stalin_joke/
%
People call me god

Every time I walk in the room they say “Jesus Christ, he’s here again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayy6rk/people_call_me_god/
%
Two tuna fish passing by a submarine. Big Tuna Mommy says:

Don’t be scared little Tuna, these are canned humans.
-I read this joke when I was five. I still think it’s funny. -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayy4kz/two_tuna_fish_passing_by_a_submarine_big_tuna/
%
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayy4iy/i_wanted_to_write_a_movie_script_about_a_retired/
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic?

Somebody who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayy2ig/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an_insomniac_a/
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A three-legged dog walks into a bar...

...and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayy18l/a_threelegged_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My dad met a group of forklift operators today

He said they were very uplifting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayy0v5/my_dad_met_a_group_of_forklift_operators_today/
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My girlfriend told me she was glad that she finally met a nice guy with a big dick and a fat wallet.

I should have never introduced her to my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayy03y/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_was_glad_that_she/
%
Why weren't the American father and his son allowed in Japan?

Because the last time Japan had a fat man and a little boy, things didn't end well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayxxqd/why_werent_the_american_father_and_his_son/
%
I like my women how I like my coffee.

Cold and bitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayxxcf/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nevermind. They can't change anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayxwmc/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A blonde goes onto a game show.

The game show goes something like this: There are 3 contestants and 100 jokes that the host tells. Once a contestant laughs at one of the jokes, they are out. If one of the contestants gets through all 100 jokes without laugh, they win a million dollars.
So the 3 contestants are a blonde, a brunette, and a ginger. So the game starts and the host tells a joke. The brunette bursts out laughing but the blonde and the ginger hold it in.
The game gets pretty intense, but the ginger gets out after the 65th joke. Now all the blonde has to do is stay in until the 100th joke and she wins a million dollars. The host tells the 99th joke, and suddenly the blonde starts cracking up.
After the game backstage, the host asks her how she got out when she was so close to winning, to which the blonde replies, "I got the first joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayxwk2/a_blonde_goes_onto_a_game_show/
%
A high jumper walks into a bar

and is eliminated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayxvey/a_high_jumper_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.
The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.
He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-existant."
He starts to go home and thinks that the slip was weird, until he sees another line underneath, hidden well.
"Not that it'd effect you very much right now anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayxvbj/a_man_goes_to_a_tent_that_houses_a_machine_thats/
%
Yo momma so fat

Her driver's license picture had to be taken by satellite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayxu10/yo_momma_so_fat/
%
Two blondes walk onto a double decker bus

This one's a classic I heard years ago from my grandma and I still enjoy hearing and telling.
So two blondes are traveling in London together and decide to get onto a double decker bus to reach their next stop. However, the bus is so crowded that one of the friends has to sit on the bottom of the bus, and the other on the top.
However, the driver then gets a call from his wife, which he answers and yells at her for what feels like forever to the passengers, forgetting about his duties as a driver. The bus still has not left ten minutes later.
The blonde sitting on the second floor of the bus then gets a call from the blonde on the first floor. The blonde answers the call and asks "Hey what's up?"
The blonde sitting on the bottom says "Our driver is being held up. You guys left yet?"
To which the blonde on the top replies, "Nope! Our driver hasn't even gotten here yet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayxshr/two_blondes_walk_onto_a_double_decker_bus/
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So there's this fly above a river.

And in that river, is a fish, who sees that fly. The fish says to himself, "If that fly drops three inches, I'll catch the fly, and have myself a nice meal."
And near the river, is a bear, who sees that fish and fly. The bear says to himself, "If that fly drops three inches, that fish will jump and catch the fly, and I'll snatch the fish, and have myself a nice meal."
And on the hill near the river is a hunter eating a sandwich, who sees the bear, the fish, and the fly. The hunter says to himself, "If that fly drops three inches, that fish will jump and catch the fly, that bear will snatch the fish, and I'll shoot the bear, and have myself a nice meal."
And at the bottom of that hill lies a mouse, who sees the hunter, his sandwich, the bear, the fish, and the fly. The mouse says to himself, "If that fly drops three inches, that fish will jump and catch the fly, that bear will snatch the fish, that hunter will shoot the bear, and drop his sandwich, and I'll get it, and have myself a nice meal."
And in a tree on the bank of the river is a cat, who sees the mouse, the hunter, his sandwich, the bear, the fish, and the fly. The cat says to himself, "If that fly drops three inches, that fish will jump and catch the fly, that bear will snatch the fish, that hunter will shoot the bear, and drop his sandwich, that mouse will get the sandwich, and I'll pounce on the mouse, and have myself a nice meal."
Then, it happens.
The fly flew lower, the fish caught the fly, the bear snatched the fish, the hunter shot the bear, and dropped his sandwich, the mouse got it, and the cat jumped out of the tree.
But the cat missed, and fell into the river.
The moral of the story is; When the fly drops three inches, you know the pussy's gonna get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayxqrv/so_theres_this_fly_above_a_river/
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Coping with multiple personality disorder is easy.

But, I've always been more of a people person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayxjmz/coping_with_multiple_personality_disorder_is_easy/
%
What do you call a fight between detectives?

Trench warfare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayxdro/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_detectives/
%
Why can’t miss piggy hold down a relationship?

Because she’s afraid of kermit-ment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayxcto/why_cant_miss_piggy_hold_down_a_relationship/
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I’m on the fence about bisexuality.

I could really go both ways on the matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayx9b2/im_on_the_fence_about_bisexuality/
%
I named my eraser Confidence

Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayx8xo/i_named_my_eraser_confidence/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have $1.75

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayx5lr/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayx43b/i_made_the_resolution_to_wash_5_dishes_every_time/
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What does the chemist's dog do to bones?

Barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aywxjo/what_does_the_chemists_dog_do_to_bones/
%
Did you know the w in Africa stands for water?

There is no w in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aywt9r/did_you_know_the_w_in_africa_stands_for_water/
%
Blind people of reddit...

...wait, that’s not how this works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aywr5y/blind_people_of_reddit/
%
A conference was called between some breakables...

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aywoou/a_conference_was_called_between_some_breakables/
%
Why did the bear dissolve in water?

Because it was polar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aywnbe/why_did_the_bear_dissolve_in_water/
%
A man and a woman go out for dinner. They have a great time and decide to go back to her apartment.

Since this is his first time in the apartment, the woman decides to give him a tour. They go throughout the apartment and the tour ends in the bedroom. When in the bedroom the man notices that there are 3 shelves filled with stuffed animals on the wall. The top shelf has itty bitty animals. The middle shelf has normal sized teddy bears and the bottom shelf has gigantic stuffed animals. One thing leads to another and they end up having sex.
After they finish the man rolls over to look at her.
“How was it?” He asks.
She thinks for a second and reply’s, “ Go take a teddy bear from the middle shelf”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aywn2v/a_man_and_a_woman_go_out_for_dinner_they_have_a/
%
Dave was bragging to his boss one day

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Trump," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aywj46/dave_was_bragging_to_his_boss_one_day/
%
Jenny’s Mother phones Johnny’s Mother in a rage..

“I need to talk to you about your son’s behaviour!  I walked in on him and Jenny playing doctors and nurses earlier, I was shocked. “
“Well all kids experiment sexually, I’m sure it was perfectly innocent” Johnny’s Mother replies.
“Sex??  He was taking her fucking appendix out!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aywitu/jennys_mother_phones_johnnys_mother_in_a_rage/
%
A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.
At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'
'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'
'Great,' the man replied. 'You'll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.'
The man went back into the house to his wife, who'd been listening. 'A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife.
'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!' he said.
About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. 'I'm all done,' she reported.
The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?'
'Yeah,' the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!'
The man reached into his wallet to pay her.
'And by the way,' said the blonde, 'that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aywgi3/a_blonde_was_desperate_for_money/
%
How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aywg89/how_my_husband_and_i_terrified_a_taxi_driver/
%
If someone stole a Tesla

Would it be called an Edison?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aywdnn/if_someone_stole_a_tesla/
%
A dad is checking his family into a hotel

Front desk manager: “Hello sir how may I help you?”
Dad: “Yes, I’m checking in with my family so I want to be sure the porn is disabled in our room.”
Front desk manager: *visibly disgusted* “We only have regular porn available you sick fuck”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aywanx/a_dad_is_checking_his_family_into_a_hotel/
%
A celebrity from the capital of Taiwan

would be a Type-A Personality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayw59h/a_celebrity_from_the_capital_of_taiwan/
%
My dad left to get a pack of cigars

He came back tho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayw4va/my_dad_left_to_get_a_pack_of_cigars/
%
A traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride very badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain.
Again the car crept slowly forward and guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life. He was certain the ghost car would go off the road and into the river, and he would surely drown!
But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, frightened nearly to death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran through the storm to the nearby town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a lighted tavern and with voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, and then, shaken, he told everybody about his supernatural experience.
A silence came over those listening and everybody got goose bumps.
They realized the guy was sober and was telling the truth. And the sounds of the storm continued outside.
About a half hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, 'Look Billy Bob, there's that idiot that rode in our car while we was pushing it in the rain.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayw2wa/a_traveler_was_walking_along_the_side_of_the_road/
%
My friend used to work for an animal shelter, but he got fired.

He really screwed the pooch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayw2jr/my_friend_used_to_work_for_an_animal_shelter_but/
%
What do the mafia and oral sex have in common

One slip of the tongue and your in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayvy1j/what_do_the_mafia_and_oral_sex_have_in_common/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayvy1c/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
Why did the guitarist go to jail?

He was fingering A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayvvp5/why_did_the_guitarist_go_to_jail/
%
Why do citizens of Prague rarely get scammed?

Because they always double Czech

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayvt80/why_do_citizens_of_prague_rarely_get_scammed/
%
Using Microsoft Word

**moves image 1mm to the right**
4 new pages appear.
Global warming.
Alien invasion.
Armageddon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayvt46/using_microsoft_word/
%
A necrophiliac would say: "I like my coffee like I like my women...

room temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayvswx/a_necrophiliac_would_say_i_like_my_coffee_like_i/
%
College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."
So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.
Doctor says: "What caused this?"
Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."
Doctor: "Ok you're finished, send in the next girl"
Next girl comes in and the doctor says the same
"Take off your blouse and bra"
Sure enough there is an imprint of a U on her chest.
Doctor says "What caused this?"
Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to the University of Utah and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love"
Doctor: "Sounds about right, ok you're done send in the next girl"
Girl comes in and removes her blouse and bra. This time there is an imprint of a M on her chest.
Doctor says: "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan right?"
Girl: "No doctor, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayvqel/college_girl_visits_the_doctor_for_an_exam/
%
A priest has a heart attack...

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being wheeled through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayvowm/a_priest_has_a_heart_attack/
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How does Sisyphus deal with his boulder falling down the mountain?

He just rolls with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayvmw7/how_does_sisyphus_deal_with_his_boulder_falling/
%
Guy walks into an ice cream shop

And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says “Careful son, you’re heading down a rocky road.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayvd0x/guy_walks_into_an_ice_cream_shop/
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Courtesy of my 8 year old: Why did the lipstick, eyeliner, and foundation keep fighting each other?

Because they could never makeup!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayvc65/courtesy_of_my_8_year_old_why_did_the_lipstick/
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What's the slowest-moving body part in the entire animal kingdom?

Mole Asses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayvakj/whats_the_slowestmoving_body_part_in_the_entire/
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I like my beer the same way I like my violence

Domestic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayv0au/i_like_my_beer_the_same_way_i_like_my_violence/
%
Where does the neckbeard get his water?

The well, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayuzh7/where_does_the_neckbeard_get_his_water/
%
I like my men as a like my grapes

25 at the same time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayuyua/i_like_my_men_as_a_like_my_grapes/
%
An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery

Slaves are given food and housing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayuoh1/an_unpaid_internship_is_nothing_like_actual/
%
Archie: "Right guys, so it says 0,1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21 so the next two numbers have to be 34 and 55

Me: "You've gotta be fibbing Archie"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayukgy/archie_right_guys_so_it_says_01123581321_so_the/
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In honor of international women's day....

Why are women like a hurricane?
at first they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayucpb/in_honor_of_international_womens_day/
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I'm bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies...

But I keep punching up the fuck line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayual0/im_bad_at_two_things_telling_jokes_and_not/
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What do you call a bisexual racecar driver?

The fast and the curious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayu1k9/what_do_you_call_a_bisexual_racecar_driver/
%
“Sorry about the temperature down the mine today”

“It’s coal man”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aytwgw/sorry_about_the_temperature_down_the_mine_today/
%
What do you call an educated woman in a third world country?

Intellectual property

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aytw5f/what_do_you_call_an_educated_woman_in_a_third/
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What is the difference between a pirate and R. Kelly?

Pirates go for big booty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayturk/what_is_the_difference_between_a_pirate_and_r/
%
The difference between being hungry or horny is..

Where you put the cucumber..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aytpnf/the_difference_between_being_hungry_or_horny_is/
%
I was going to make a sexual harassment joke ...

But it’s a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aytp6g/i_was_going_to_make_a_sexual_harassment_joke/
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My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aytd49/my_uncles_zodiac_sign_was_cancer_which_was_ironic/
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Cleetus had a embarrassing disease

So he went to the doctor:
" Sho doc, I have this scratchy in me parts and I was thinking you may have some midicin to you know get thi old junk back on health"
The doctor examined him and diagnosed with an STD, he gave him some suppositories
" Alright Mr thoothill, this suppositories are to be applied rectally, take two daily and come here when you finish the box"
Cleetus gets home and asks Enid if she knows what " reckshally" is, dumbfounded by the doctors instructions, Enid being Enid sends him back to ask the doctor what in tarnation the meant...
" Sho docter, jus waning to meikshure u really ment reckshually or I misheard, dumb me ass thought I shuld better ashk aagein"
"I'm sorry Mr thoothill, of course I mean rectally,just insert it in the rectum"
This time cleetus was a little more reassured, Enid , he was confident, sure would know where the rectum was.
" Sho, u Wen all the way to the docter and didn't bothered to ask im the entire story of where in tarnation u ad to put the goddamn thing!?, God saken donkey! Go ask the good ol docter where u supposed to put the midicine!!"
So third time is a charm cleetus gets to the office and catches the doctor leaving the place
" Sho , erm, doc, me was wundering , you Kno I am not a schooled and fancey like you're, I'm still a lil confused about the dang lil thang you said , where is I supposed to put it?"
" Well , Mr thoothill I truly understand your predicament, I'm in a little of a rush, of course I meant you to apply the suppository through the anus, farewell Mr thoothill, I hope you get better , I got a carriage to catch"
Cleetus goes home thinking " God bless the good ol docter but hell of I got a single werd he sed"
When Enid saw his face back home she was histerical " you ain't asked the docter again ain't you???, You better man the duck up and go ask im egein whut u was supposed to ask im!"
" Dang it Enid! This time the docter ain't in is office! If I go look fo him in is house he going to tell me to put the goddamn midicine up me ass!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayt8nc/cleetus_had_a_embarrassing_disease/
%
A man goes to the doctor. The doctor says : Mr Smith you have to stop masturbating. The man asks : why doctor ?

Because I’m trying to examine you.
Joke is from the late, great, Robin Williams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayt4rw/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_the_doctor_says_mr_smith/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayt1m2/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.

Now they also call me poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aysxx6/girls_used_to_call_me_ugly_until_they_found_out/
%
What does the 'r' in r/Jokes stands for?

I think it stands for 'repost'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aysw38/what_does_the_r_in_rjokes_stands_for/
%
I did a social experiment on campus

I was having a bad day one week so I decided to try something at my college.  I stood in the middle of campus and held up a sign that read "hug me" in hopes that maybe somebody would come around and cheer me up. I waited for 10-20 minutes and then people started walking up. I got so many hugs and it really brightened my mood. So the next day I went out and I held up a sign that said "compliment me." I waited again until a little started to form and each person gave me a different heartwarming compliment  that cheered me up. The third day switched things up; I held up a sign saying "punch me" and I waited 10 minutes and then 10 more... I just kept waiting and waiting but there was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aysvkf/i_did_a_social_experiment_on_campus/
%
Who was the beefiest knight at King Arthur’s round table?

Sir Loin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayss1o/who_was_the_beefiest_knight_at_king_arthurs_round/
%
What did one photon say to the other as they passed by each other?

Nothing, they just waved~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aysplc/what_did_one_photon_say_to_the_other_as_they/
%
Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy

It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aysoqo/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blowjob_from_a_guy/
%
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None.
They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayslnx/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
If Donald Trump had sex with a White House intern

would they call him Bill of rights?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayslcx/if_donald_trump_had_sex_with_a_white_house_intern/
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How do you get a smokin' hot bod in no time at all?

Cremation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aysf3j/how_do_you_get_a_smokin_hot_bod_in_no_time_at_all/
%
If you drop a piano down a mineshaft, what in what key will it play when it lands?

A flat minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aysdds/if_you_drop_a_piano_down_a_mineshaft_what_in_what/
%
Two statisticians are out hunting when one of them sees a duck.

The first takes aim and shoots, but the bullet goes sailing past six inches too high. The second statistician also takes aim and shoots, but this time the bullet goes sailing past six inches too low. The two statisticians then give one another high fives and exclaim, "Got him!"
Courtesy of WolframAlpha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ays982/two_statisticians_are_out_hunting_when_one_of/
%
Got in a fight with frequency today

We’ve been friends for ages, so it kinda hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ays7hh/got_in_a_fight_with_frequency_today/
%
A woman is talking to her next door neighbour and she says I'm worried about my 16 year old son...

I looked in his school bag and found a gimp mask, nipple clamps and a whip. What should I do.
And the neighbour replyed I'm no expert but I wouldn't spank him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ays5x0/a_woman_is_talking_to_her_next_door_neighbour_and/
%
Do You know what makes my day?

The Sun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ays2ug/do_you_know_what_makes_my_day/
%
Why do orphans like playing tennis?

Because it’s the only love they get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ays2nb/why_do_orphans_like_playing_tennis/
%
I lost my father to smoking. If I could back in time I’d stop him from taking up the habit.

Then he wouldn’t have needed to go out for a pack of smokes and never come back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ays05d/i_lost_my_father_to_smoking_if_i_could_back_in/
%
What is the definition of eternal love?

Stevie wonder and Ray Charles playing a game of tennis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayrz64/what_is_the_definition_of_eternal_love/
%
Wife: Hey, guess this "What always increases, but never decrease?"

Husband: Your weight?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayry58/wife_hey_guess_this_what_always_increases_but/
%
What is the difference between a flying pig and a politician?

The letter F.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayrwbs/what_is_the_difference_between_a_flying_pig_and_a/
%
Studies show ADHD students cost the school more on average

Because they cannot afford to pay attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayrv8h/studies_show_adhd_students_cost_the_school_more/
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THAT's how you do it!

So there's a couple that have been happily married for 30 years, except for one thing: the woman has never had an orgasm. So they visit a marriage counselor.
The counselor listens to their tale of woe, and says to the husband, "Here's what you do. Go to the gym and find a strapping young man. Pay him to run around your bedroom waving a towel over his head while you make love to your wife."
So they find a guy at the gym, and he runs around the room waving a towel over his head while the husband bangs his wife. No good. It doesn't work.
So they return to the marriage counselor and tell him it didn't work.
The counselor listens, strokes his beard, and says to the husband, "Okay, try this. Find that same strapping young man. Pay him again, but this time have HIM make love to your wife, and YOU run around your bedroom waving a towel over your head."
Well, they try this, and bingo! The woman has a massive orgasm.
So the husband says to the guy, "You see, schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayrnwr/thats_how_you_do_it/
%
As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayrkvu/as_a_musician_i_hate_the_key_of_e_minor/
%
I’m known for two things, my incredible memory

... and I forgot the other thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayrjzd/im_known_for_two_things_my_incredible_memory/
%
Why did the scarecrow get an award?

He was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayri2z/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_an_award/
%
Why did the blind man fall 50 feet and drown?

He didn’t see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayrh69/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_50_feet_and_drown/
%
What do a group of whales listen to on long journey?

Podcasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayref0/what_do_a_group_of_whales_listen_to_on_long/
%
The Job Interview

Interviewer:   "What would you consider one of your strengths?"
Me:   "I perform under pressure..."
Interviewer:   "Can you get give me an example?"
Me:  (deep breath) "Mm ba ba de Um bum ba de Um bu bu ba de PRESSURE, pushing down on me..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayreb5/the_job_interview/
%
How easy is it to count in binary?

It’s as easy as 01 10 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayrdkn/how_easy_is_it_to_count_in_binary/
%
A British ship is on a collision course and this is the following transcription with an Irish:

Irish: We need you to divert your course 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision.
British: No, you need to move your ship 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision. We’re not moving.
Irish: Negative. We’re gonna need you to divert your course to avoid a collision. Now!
British: DO YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU ARE TALKING TO?! THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER BRITTANIA! SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE ENTIRE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET! WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE ELITE CRUISERS AND SEVERAL SUPPORT VESSELS. I WILL NOT SAY THIS AGAIN, DIVERT YOUR COURSE BY 15 DEGREES TO THE SOUTH NOW! OR DRASTIC MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN.
Irish: Well sir, this is a lighthouse. Your call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayraqe/a_british_ship_is_on_a_collision_course_and_this/
%
My friend spilled ice all over the floor

at first i was pissed off but now it's just water under the fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayrah5/my_friend_spilled_ice_all_over_the_floor/
%
On this international women’s day I would like to say to all women everywhere

Thank you for your cervix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayr22e/on_this_international_womens_day_i_would_like_to/
%
A Spanish magician was about to attempt a vanishing act...

"On the count of 3, I will have vanished from the stage!"
"Uno!"
"Dos!"
\*Poof\*
He disappeared without a tres!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayr210/a_spanish_magician_was_about_to_attempt_a/
%
Some of my friends go on Tinder dates just for free food

I guess you could call it food for thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayr0ae/some_of_my_friends_go_on_tinder_dates_just_for/
%
New position

I was watching tv when my wife called out to me from the kitchen and asked if I might want to try a new position.  I yelled back "hell yeah"!
So she replied "Fantastic , so you come stand at this sink, and i will lay on the couch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayqrnp/new_position/
%
I’ll never forget my Grandpa’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayqp6d/ill_never_forget_my_grandpas_last_words_to_me/
%
If I travelled back in time 100 years and went around calling everyone "gay"...

They'd all be happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayqo5w/if_i_travelled_back_in_time_100_years_and_went/
%
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !
CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
FRANK: You could puta Grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry isa good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayqknk/notes_from_an_inexperienced_chili_taster_named/
%
Is it just me or

are circles pointless?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayqkha/is_it_just_me_or/
%
Why shouldn’t you wear Ukrainian underwear?

Chernobyl fallout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayqjjm/why_shouldnt_you_wear_ukrainian_underwear/
%
A girl was going to study for her AP exams... [long]

A girl was starting to study for her AP exams, and her parents bought her a new calculator to help her out.  The next day, she took the calculator in to class and started using it. The moment she started hitting the keys, she heard a guitar playing country music. Startled, she stopped and put it back in her bag. During a break, she investigated further. She keyed in 2+2 and the guitar started again.
That’s odd, she thought, but I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s just a little annoying.
She went on to do her homework with the device, but by the end of the day, she was so sick of it playing music that she decided to take it to a service shop.
“Can I help you?” asked the employee.
“My parents gave this to me yesterday. It’s brand new, but I think there’s something wrong with it,” she said as she handed the calculator over.
The employee pressed a few buttons and guitar began. When he stopped, the music stopped as well.
“What’s the problem?” he asked.
This took the girl by surprise. “Well, it’s the music.”
“Okay,” replied the employee.
This has to be a joke, she thought, and continued: “I started doing addition and subtraction and it started playing some country music.”
“Okay,” he replied again.
“And then I tried multiplication and division, and I know this sounds crazy, but a fiddle joined in.”
“Right.”
“By the time I got to my actual calculus work, I swear it was playing zydeco!”
“Well, I don’t really see the problem then,” he said, handing it back. “It’s not going to sing for you. It’s a Texas Instrumental.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayqcuu/a_girl_was_going_to_study_for_her_ap_exams_long/
%
No matter how generous and caring your children are...

German children are kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayqbb0/no_matter_how_generous_and_caring_your_children/
%
Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayqall/give_a_man_a_match_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_few/
%
Little Audrey was sitting on the porch next to her little brother

She said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"
Her brother jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly squashed by a truck. And Lil Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew it was only a nickel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayq9y0/little_audrey_was_sitting_on_the_porch_next_to/
%
What did Hurricane Tyrone say as it made landfall?

Where the white beaches at?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayq9fy/what_did_hurricane_tyrone_say_as_it_made_landfall/
%
The priest told me to lay on the bed

Once I lied down, he tied me up, looked me straight in the eyes and said: "Do NOT ever, ever tell anyone about this".
And then he stole my bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayq3b3/the_priest_told_me_to_lay_on_the_bed/
%
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aypvdg/after_years_of_complaining_from_my_wife_i_finally/
%
I like my women like I like my slaves

Educated and free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayptmw/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
They say married men live longer than single men

and yet married men want to die sooner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayptja/they_say_married_men_live_longer_than_single_men/
%
Why didn't the sailors play cards?

Because the captains always sitting on the deck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aypse3/why_didnt_the_sailors_play_cards/
%
Not seasonal but here it so you can use it later:

I just bought a Jehovah's Witness  advent calendar...
Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aypqqs/not_seasonal_but_here_it_so_you_can_use_it_later/
%
What do you call a magic dog?

A Labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aypok3/what_do_you_call_a_magic_dog/
%
If smoking is so bad for you

How come it cures salmon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aypli0/if_smoking_is_so_bad_for_you/
%
A man was playing golf with his son

Boy says "dad can't you use a club like everyone else?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aypjkk/a_man_was_playing_golf_with_his_son/
%
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday for getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.

But he still has the right to remain silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aypjcd/a_mime_in_my_town_was_arrested_yesterday_for/
%
My wife began to address the elephant in the room.

I asked her why she was talking to herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aypg6b/my_wife_began_to_address_the_elephant_in_the_room/
%
I got beaten up by 4 guys the other week

Luckily I was able to knock one out
Looking back on it, probably wasn’t the best time to have a wank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aypeh1/i_got_beaten_up_by_4_guys_the_other_week/
%
Never trust German butchers!

They said they had the best sausages in the world
But they kept showing me their wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayp7vy/never_trust_german_butchers/
%
Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

1. "Go to sleep NOW"
2. "Eat ALL YOUR FOOD"
3. "You will not leave the house"
4. "Go to your room!"
5. "One more word and I'll spank that ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayp77j/top_5_moms_punishments_that_have_become_pleasures/
%
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,

completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayp4yd/cigarettes_are_a_lot_like_hamsters/
%
How do you know that a woman is about to say something clever?

She starts of the sentence saying "a man once told me..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayp4mv/how_do_you_know_that_a_woman_is_about_to_say/
%
What do Japanese shoguns eat?

Samurice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayp46m/what_do_japanese_shoguns_eat/
%
My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayp2ga/my_buddy_and_i_have_a_picture_of_the_islamic_god/
%
My mother used to say, "If it wouldn't matter after 5 years, don't worry about it."

Apparently, that's not a very good thing to say to someone recently diagnosed with cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayp29w/my_mother_used_to_say_if_it_wouldnt_matter_after/
%
My girlfriend made me pick between either the iPhone or her

(Sent from my iPhone)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayp1dj/my_girlfriend_made_me_pick_between_either_the/
%
If Prince Zuko worries about about where the avatar is

Does he have Aangxiety?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayp00x/if_prince_zuko_worries_about_about_where_the/
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As for a non-Dad joke....not for sensitive types

A woman runs into a police station yelling "Grape! Grape! Grape!"
The policeman says "Don't you mean rape?"
"No" she replied, "There were a bunch of them".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayozah/as_for_a_nondad_jokenot_for_sensitive_types/
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Last Dad Joke of the day for me

Two boys are walking home from Sunday School after hearing some strong preaching about the devil.
One says to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff"?
The other says "Well you know how Santa turned out to be, it's probably just your Dad".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayoxn2/last_dad_joke_of_the_day_for_me/
%
Doctor, Doctor.

DOCTOR. "Mr. Jones, I have some good news and some bad news"
PATIENT " I'll take the bad news first Doc."
DOCTOR "We'll have to amputate both your legs".
PATIENT. "My God, that's terrible, what's the good news?"
DOCTOR. The guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayowx5/doctor_doctor/
%
An antivaxx mom dies and goes to heaven. She notices that it was God himself walking to greet her, along with her two kids. They’re all smiling. Feeling real smug about herself,

She runs toward them but Is suddenly stopped by an invisible force.
As God and her two kids got nearer though, they stopped smiling and had a puzzled look on their faces. Suddenly, they burst out in joyful laughter, just as St. Peter materialises beside them all.
“Oh Pete, you really do know how to make us laugh!” Exclaimed God.  “That’s enough now, send her back down!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayowtj/an_antivaxx_mom_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_she/
%
Like a box of chocolates...

What's Forrest Gump's online password?
1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayow0m/like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
It's Dad Jokes Friday, so I'm putting a few up

Higgs Boson goes into a church. The priest says "you're not welcome here".
Higgs Boson says...
"You can't have mass without me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayovom/its_dad_jokes_friday_so_im_putting_a_few_up/
%
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayov8l/a_man_went_into_a_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a potato?

You don't have to pay to have a potato on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayot94/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What? A miracle?!"

I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayosfs/my_friend_said_congratulations_on_your_new_job/
%
Did you know that most nuns are very good runners?

It’s because they’re always being chaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayoqeg/did_you_know_that_most_nuns_are_very_good_runners/
%
I'll never forget my son's 856th words.

"Dad, you capture irrelevant information."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayo5kx/ill_never_forget_my_sons_856th_words/
%
What's the best way to pick up women?

Use your legs, not your back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayo3q2/whats_the_best_way_to_pick_up_women/
%
A father is washing the car with his son

After a moment the son asks his father: "do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayo3ov/a_father_is_washing_the_car_with_his_son/
%
Let’s celebrate the International Women’s Day. A world without women...

... would be a pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayo1xt/lets_celebrate_the_international_womens_day_a/
%
The flying spaghetti monster never died...

He pastaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynywg/the_flying_spaghetti_monster_never_died/
%
When CBS interviewed R. Kelly, he claimed "I love my kids"

However, he seems to also be in love with other people's kids as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynwje/when_cbs_interviewed_r_kelly_he_claimed_i_love_my/
%
Brits are pounding their fists at Brexit.

Whilst Brexit is really fisting the Pound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynsih/brits_are_pounding_their_fists_at_brexit/
%
When it comes to women, I always go by the honor system.

If you can't come in her, come on her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynrpc/when_it_comes_to_women_i_always_go_by_the_honor/
%
Man: Dr, recently I have become a bit forgetful.

Dr: well. how long have you had this problem?
Man: which problem?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynqwz/man_dr_recently_i_have_become_a_bit_forgetful/
%
What did you have, but can never get back?

The time it took you to read this post...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynq4e/what_did_you_have_but_can_never_get_back/
%
Prostate and apologies if its a repost

A man went though his Prostate exam with stoicism and thought good, thats done with, as the doctor walked out. Then the nurse walked in and muttered those three words no man wants to hear.
"Who was that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayno1r/prostate_and_apologies_if_its_a_repost/
%
As the child's dad goes to check up on him, the child says "Dad, I can't sleep"

Dad: "Why not?"
Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"
Dad: \[looks under bed\] "Oh my god... yes!"
Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynn7o/as_the_childs_dad_goes_to_check_up_on_him_the/
%
What does a woman want?

Equality
Safety
Education
Independence
Nutrition
Love
What does a man want?
Woman
Happy Woman’s Day!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynl52/what_does_a_woman_want/
%
What's the difference between a woman and a vacuum cleaner?

Vacuum cleaners don't shout at you for not wearing a condom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynjiw/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a_vacuum/
%
What did the Equalist say when he was ordered to capture the Avatar?

"Amon it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayniqc/what_did_the_equalist_say_when_he_was_ordered_to/
%
Two blondes are hiking in the woods.

They come across a pair of tracks and start discussing what type of animal made them. One says they are deer tracks. The other says they are bear tracks. They stand there arguing for a while, but before they can agree, a train hits them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynib6/two_blondes_are_hiking_in_the_woods/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender there was...

...I would have 2 dollars and run a counterfeit money smuggling ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayngsi/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender_there_was/
%
The British Royals are having tea

Queen Elizabeth says  "Philip, I think you should see a doctor. I fear you have a touch of dementia."
"ME? *You're* the one who thinks she's the bloody Queen of England!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayngcl/the_british_royals_are_having_tea/
%
Kamasutra says: If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one...

...And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynfe7/kamasutra_says_if_you_suck_one_nipple_the_women/
%
A girl missed out on a quiz because she stopped at Starbucks for a coffee

She was Latte to the class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynerj/a_girl_missed_out_on_a_quiz_because_she_stopped/
%
What is relationship of Buddhism and reposts. ?

When someone starts a  joke with Buddhism it will end up with reposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayndup/what_is_relationship_of_buddhism_and_reposts/
%
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. But the lightbulb really has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayndii/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What's the speed limit of sex?

68 - After that, you have to turn around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynd0d/whats_the_speed_limit_of_sex/
%
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo marxist walk into a bar

the bartender says to them, “We don’t serve people under 18 here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynbeu/a_nihilist_a_socialist_and_a_neo_marxist_walk/
%
A girl wants to go see a movie with her friends, but she doesn't have a ride.

So she goes to her dad and asks to borrow the car for the night. He says, "Sure, you can borrow the car, buy first you have to give me a blowjob." She whines and cries, but he doesn't budge.
Eventually, she relents and agrees to the task. She gives his dick an initial lick and says, "Ew! Dad, your dick tastes like shit!"
He smacks his forehead and says, "Oh. I forgot. Your brother has the car tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aynb8l/a_girl_wants_to_go_see_a_movie_with_her_friends/
%
Two lions spoke at a funeral...

First lion sighed and said: "I'm really sorry about the loss of your kids, bro..."
Second lion nodded and bowed his head: "Yes, may they rest in peace.  Sometimes I blame myself, but they were so delicious!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayn8ow/two_lions_spoke_at_a_funeral/
%
Hitler and a miner are in a mine.

The miner says to Hitler, "we're getting too much stone and rubble from mining so much!"
Hitler replies with "Well then we'll have to mine less."
Then suddenly, a grammar Nazi bursts through the wall and says "Its actually 'MINE FEWER'!"
Hitler then replies with "Its actually what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayn651/hitler_and_a_miner_are_in_a_mine/
%
Puns are the number one highest form of comedy.

But poop jokes are a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayn5xl/puns_are_the_number_one_highest_form_of_comedy/
%
My feet are so big

That they attract everything within two feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayn5ar/my_feet_are_so_big/
%
What do you call a smiling Roman with hair in his teeth?

A gladiator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayn3ev/what_do_you_call_a_smiling_roman_with_hair_in_his/
%
The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business .
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and the United States.
Ruled by a pair of nuts!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aymr19/the_geography_of_a_woman/
%
What do you give a woman that has everything?

Penicillin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aymif8/what_do_you_give_a_woman_that_has_everything/
%
You wanna know the difference between a Genie and a Genius?

One grants wishes, and the other wishes for grants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aymh5z/you_wanna_know_the_difference_between_a_genie_and/
%
So a man says to Steve Irwin “How often do alligators mate?”

Steve asked: “How often do they what?”
Man: “mate”
Steve: “what?”
Man: “HOW OFTEN DO THEY MATE?”
Steve: “HOW OFTEN DO THEY WHATTTTT????”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aymb3s/so_a_man_says_to_steve_irwin_how_often_do/
%
I'm halfway through this braille muder mystery.

I've got a feeling someone's about to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aym5ex/im_halfway_through_this_braille_muder_mystery/
%
A joke walks into a bar

It’s a reddit mod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aym1jq/a_joke_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My friend lost his board game.

He's asking me to investigate, but then suspected me.
One thing for sure, I have no Clue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aym164/my_friend_lost_his_board_game/
%
A witch put a curse on me and now my penis has a steering wheel

It drives me nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aylvx4/a_witch_put_a_curse_on_me_and_now_my_penis_has_a/
%
How much of northern Canada is habitable?

Nunavut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayluq2/how_much_of_northern_canada_is_habitable/
%
An Egyptian farmer refuses to believe his fields had flooded...

He was in De Nile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aylm8o/an_egyptian_farmer_refuses_to_believe_his_fields/
%
So 6ix9ine walks into a bar

No he doesn’t. He walks behind bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayljth/so_6ix9ine_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I bought a theremin

But I haven’t touched it in years.
I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aylhqy/i_bought_a_theremin/
%
You’re eyes are like the stars!

Not because they twinkle, they just are so far apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aylf15/youre_eyes_are_like_the_stars/
%
Why did the fisherman look for flatfish?

Just for the halibut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayleuc/why_did_the_fisherman_look_for_flatfish/
%
I bought goldfish today and named them One and Two

That way if One dies I still have Two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aylbka/i_bought_goldfish_today_and_named_them_one_and_two/
%
I was going to tell you a joke about cattle

But you probably have herd it before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aylbcp/i_was_going_to_tell_you_a_joke_about_cattle/
%
My wife told me to paint her like one of my "french girls".

To which I replied, "oh shit..(how did she find out about that)".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayl952/my_wife_told_me_to_paint_her_like_one_of_my/
%
Did Hitler Defeat Germany?

I mean think about it, he did kill the leader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayl8po/did_hitler_defeat_germany/
%
Why do all hotdogs look alike?

Because they are in bread...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aykyf9/why_do_all_hotdogs_look_alike/
%
What do you call a $1000 door?

A grand entrance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aykun8/what_do_you_call_a_1000_door/
%
If video games make children more violent...

why do they keep losing fistfights against me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aykt5l/if_video_games_make_children_more_violent/
%
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aykgv7/a_pun_a_play_on_words_and_a_limerick_walk_into_a/
%
A piece of ham walks into a bar.

“We don’t serve food here”, says the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aykesa/a_piece_of_ham_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A Jew and a Czech go camping

While on the trip they are attacked by two bears, one male and one female. The Jew is able to escape; however, the Czech gets eaten by the male bear. Being a good Samaritan the Jew alerts the park ranger that there are two bears on the loose, one of which has eaten his friend. The park ranger then proceeds to kill both of the bears. The Jew asks the park ranger if he can cut the male bear open, so he can retrieve his friend’s remains for a proper burial. The park ranger agrees and goes on to cut open the female bear; the Jew is confused and ask the park ranger why is he cutting the female open when he clearly said his friend is in the male bear. To which, the park ranger responds, “I never trust a Jew that tells me the check’s in the mail!”
(Credit to r/MeanJokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aykepf/a_jew_and_a_czech_go_camping/
%
What's the difference between a frog giving a speech and the worst thing Netflix has ever done?

One is Ribbit Ribbit the other is Reboot Reboot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aykefp/whats_the_difference_between_a_frog_giving_a/
%
A man walks into a bar...

... and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.”
The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter.
The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.”
The bartender says “take a bite.”
The man takes a bite of the apple “wow this tastes just like whiskey!”
Bartender “Turn it around.”
The man turns the apple around and takes another bite, he exclaims “wow this tastes just like coke! I’m gonna eat these all night!”
A little while later a 2nd man walks up to the bar and asks for a gin and tonic. The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter.
The 2nd man says “what is this? I don’t want an apple!”
The bartender tells him to take a bite. He does and then exclaims “wow this tastes just like gin!”
Bartender says “turn it around.”
The man turns it around and is amazed that it tastes like tonic water. “Wow I’m going to eat these all night!”
Finally, a while later a 3rd man walks into the bar visibly drunk. The bartender asks what he would like to drink. The 3rd man says “Man I don’t want a drink, all I really want is to eat some pussy.”
The bartender says “Oh don’t worry I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter.
The 3rd man extremely confused says “what is this for?”
The bartender says “Take a bite.”
The 3rd man takes a big bite of the apple, makes a horrified face and yells “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS! IT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!”
The bartender, along with the two men at the bar say in unison “Turn it around.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aykchc/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
No need to insult the Jewish

Hitler already roasted them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayk8gd/no_need_to_insult_the_jewish/
%
Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayk66k/today_i_learned_where_plastic_surgeons_get_new/
%
What would princess Diana...

...be doing, if she was still alive today?
Scratching her coffin and screaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayk4gn/what_would_princess_diana/
%
A Japanese ascended a tall mountain to seek wisdom from a sage. He asks: “Master Akira, why do people all think Japanese look alike?”

“I’m not master Akira!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayk43y/a_japanese_ascended_a_tall_mountain_to_seek/
%
A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk

Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"
"No," says the woman. "Up to my tits will be fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayk1uq/a_milkman_gets_an_order_for_45_pints_of_milk/
%
If you're scared of paedophiles ...

Grow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayk1pb/if_youre_scared_of_paedophiles/
%
John, the owner of a small company, just moved into a new office.

After settling in, he decides to message his friend. "Jim," he wrote,"I finally moved out of that dingy old office and just moved into a new one."
Happy to hear this news, Jim orders a bouquet of flowers to send to John's new location. The next day, a bouquet of flowers shows up at the office with a tag attached that says, "Rest In Peace." Confused, John calls up Jim and asks if he sent those flowers, and Jim said there must have been a mix-up with the florist. Getting frustrated, John calls the florist where the flowers came from.
"We're so sorry," said the lady on the other end. "We know you're upset but you need to understand. We're also trying to deal with a funeral at the other side of town  that just got a bouquet of flowers that says 'Good luck in your new location.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayk19q/john_the_owner_of_a_small_company_just_moved_into/
%
I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I've said it before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayk0ui/ive_said_it_before_and_ill_say_it_again/
%
Anti Vaxx

Dating a girl with an unvaccinated kid is like adopting an old dog. You feel like you're being a good person for accepting it, then you get attached and they die when they're 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayjwnd/anti_vaxx/
%
Anyone know how to lift a house?

My girlfriend wants me to put foundation on her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayjwgi/anyone_know_how_to_lift_a_house/
%
Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.

That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayjvz5/just_found_out_that_cockfighting_is_done_with/
%
Politician dies....

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We  seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher  up.  What  we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.  Then   you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind.  I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with  that, St. Peter escorts him to the  elevator and he went down, down, down  to hell.  The  doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course.  In  the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other  politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They  run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the  people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy  who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.They are having such a  good time that before he realizes it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....
The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.
24  hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from  cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time  and, before he realizes it, the 24  hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have  said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would  be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,down  to hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the  MP.
'Yesterday  I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate  lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now  there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.   What happened?
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
'Yesterday we were campaigning -
Today you voted’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayjvts/politician_dies/
%
What do you tell someone who has diarrhea and anxious at the same time?

*Don’t lose your shit*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayjvk3/what_do_you_tell_someone_who_has_diarrhea_and/
%
What do you call a psychologist's clothes?

Shrinkwrap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayjnnn/what_do_you_call_a_psychologists_clothes/
%
All the women I have slept with have one thing in common

They have incredibly low standards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayjlbv/all_the_women_i_have_slept_with_have_one_thing_in/
%
Why don’t we have to worry about the Chinese invading

Because general tso is a chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayjj9g/why_dont_we_have_to_worry_about_the_chinese/
%
With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayjire/with_relationships_they_say_theres_plenty_of_fish/
%
Does making a chemistry joke make you sound smart?

Nitrogen Oxygen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayji1q/does_making_a_chemistry_joke_make_you_sound_smart/
%
It's not a privilege for bears to have limbs.

They have the right to bear arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayjh2p/its_not_a_privilege_for_bears_to_have_limbs/
%
People say that having a baby makes you exhausted.

But I usually get eight solid hours of sleep every month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayjdr7/people_say_that_having_a_baby_makes_you_exhausted/
%
My GF said she hates my sense of direction.

So I packed my stuff and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayjcke/my_gf_said_she_hates_my_sense_of_direction/
%
How many Mexicans do you need to change a lightbulb?

JUAN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayj9se/how_many_mexicans_do_you_need_to_change_a/
%
What would someone with dyslexia call two female sheep?

You and I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayj8o7/what_would_someone_with_dyslexia_call_two_female/
%
Why did the Russian math teacher get fired?

Because communism is never the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayizvj/why_did_the_russian_math_teacher_get_fired/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayiydm/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
Where do the world's skinniest models come from?

Hungary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayiwrr/where_do_the_worlds_skinniest_models_come_from/
%
The couple next door have just made a sex tape.

They just don't know it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayivpt/the_couple_next_door_have_just_made_a_sex_tape/
%
I asked my racist, mexican buddy about what meetings he attends on weekends.

He kept saying «what» three times in spanish, for some reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayiuh1/i_asked_my_racist_mexican_buddy_about_what/
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I was just fired today, simply for telling my co-worker that her hair smelled nice.

I think they are discriminating against me for being a midget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayisw6/i_was_just_fired_today_simply_for_telling_my/
%
I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta

Now it’s a Ford Focus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayirmm/i_put_adderall_into_my_ford_fiesta/
%
Why did the computer technician get kicked out of the army?

He had troubleshooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayiox1/why_did_the_computer_technician_get_kicked_out_of/
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Descartes walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "would you like a beer sir?"
Descartes replies, "I think not.", and ceases to exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayih8u/descartes_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I had a bulldog and it mated with a Shitzu

Now I have a bullshit
(Haha asian dude high as fuck told me this joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayig37/i_had_a_bulldog_and_it_mated_with_a_shitzu/
%
If whisky makes you frisky and gin makes you sin, what gets you pregnant?

Two high balls and a straight shot.
*This was my grandma's favorite joke to tell us kiddos*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayiecj/if_whisky_makes_you_frisky_and_gin_makes_you_sin/
%
I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayi9hm/ive_been_experimenting_with_iron_carbon_and/
%
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices that there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayi7mq/a_man_takes_his_seat_at_the_world_cup_final_he/
%
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayhzlz/i_went_to_my_backyard_and_saw_a_bird_of_prey/
%
A man walks into a bar with a chicken and a bucket.

The barman looks puzzled and query’s the man as to why he has these items. The man replies that it’s a rare dancing chicken and offers to show the barman in exchange for a free drink. The barman agrees and the man sets the bucket down and places the chicken on top.
The chicken, amazingly, starts to dance hopping from foot to foot. The amazed barman gives the man a drink. He drinks it, thanks the barman and leaves.
Next day he comes in again with the chicken and the bucket. Again he places the bucket down with the barman’s requests and they watch the chicken dance. The barman then has an idea and asks to buy the chicken and bucket as a light entertainment for his bar. The man agrees and sells the man his chicken and bucket for £100. He drinks his drink, thanks the barman and leaves.
The barman advertises the dancing chicken and when he has a lot of folk gathered around he places the chicken on the bucket and tells them all to watch. Nothing happens. Except for a few mutters and grumbles from his patrons.
The next day the man walks back in and the barman confronts him asking why the chicken didn’t dance as he had previously. The man smiled and said
“Well for an extra £100 I can sell you this candle to put under the bucket”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayhzjm/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_chicken_and_a_bucket/
%
I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.

I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayhwu0/i_discovered_my_mother_in_law_has_weekly_sessions/
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An audio technician becomes a comedian

An audio technician is on stage at an open mic night in a comedy club.
He seems to be absolutely crushing the audience with witty and outrageous jokes.
At the end of his time he gets to do a mic drop.
That was the last night he ever did comedy.
The feedback ruined it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayhv9h/an_audio_technician_becomes_a_comedian/
%
Why hasn’t there ever been a vegan to the Moon?

Because there’s nobody there to whom they could tell they’re vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayhm6s/why_hasnt_there_ever_been_a_vegan_to_the_moon/
%
I took a bunch of Viagra, but then my date didn't show up.

I had a massive stroke after, and again an hour later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayhhuq/i_took_a_bunch_of_viagra_but_then_my_date_didnt/
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Why can’t you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayhh1j/why_cant_you_compare_millionaires_tim_cook_and/
%
I wanted to post a joke about sodium

but Na, most people won’t get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayheiw/i_wanted_to_post_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
Does anyone want to be friend?

Asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayhe27/does_anyone_want_to_be_friend/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

Finally, it got so bad that I had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayhcxj/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
Why are there no Walmart’s in Iraq?

Because they’re all targets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayhcaw/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_iraq/
%
A crazy guy went inside a police station

and stole all the K-9 units' leashes. Police says they have no leads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayhbz5/a_crazy_guy_went_inside_a_police_station/
%
I asked my horse if he could talk.

He responded "Nay!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayhbgj/i_asked_my_horse_if_he_could_talk/
%
What did the homeless man get for Christmas??

Very hungry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayha45/what_did_the_homeless_man_get_for_christmas/
%
After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
The doctor could not find any explanation for this.
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you
the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time.
Do you know why?'
"Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied.
That's because...
The first time is usually in December, and
The second time is in June.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayh2nh/after_his_examination_the_doctor_said_to_the/
%
Why is 77 better than 69?

Because you get ate more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayh0cw/why_is_77_better_than_69/
%
What do you call a public official with depression?

a person in a zolofty position

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aygxr1/what_do_you_call_a_public_official_with_depression/
%
What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?

... A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aygt56/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a_fridge/
%
A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" "That’s a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.
The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aygsh6/a_father_watched_his_young_daughter_as_she_played/
%
What’s the difference between Tom Brady and Lance Armstrong?

Lance Armstrong cheats with only one deflated ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aygrzm/whats_the_difference_between_tom_brady_and_lance/
%
When vegans have an argument, is it still beef?

No. It’s leaf.
(My little cousin has just told me the old joke, and I instantaneously made up the answer. Thought I’d share it with you all!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aygpuy/when_vegans_have_an_argument_is_it_still_beef/
%
I bought the worst thesaurus today

Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aygo1x/i_bought_the_worst_thesaurus_today/
%
What do you call a tiny spanish pepper?

A jalapequeño.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayggrf/what_do_you_call_a_tiny_spanish_pepper/
%
On my first day in prison my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayge2l/on_my_first_day_in_prison_my_cellmate_said_to_me/
%
I’m not certain my parents’ sex life is dead.

It is concerning that my mom calls me her participation trophy though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aygcyz/im_not_certain_my_parents_sex_life_is_dead/
%
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aygafo/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_daily_sex/
%
Dark humor jokes are like anti-vax kids.

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayg76d/dark_humor_jokes_are_like_antivax_kids/
%
Why did Donald Trump watch the Olympics ?

To see how tall the Mexicans can pole vault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayg2v6/why_did_donald_trump_watch_the_olympics/
%
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question, "What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?"
I was expecting the answer "Madam, I’m Adam," but one student had a better reply:
"Wow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayg1fh/what_was_the_first_thing_adam_said_to_eve/
%
A father whale and a son whale are swimming in the ocean.

Son looks at dad and asks,
“Dad? Where do I come from?”
Father replies, “My penis, son.”
“Oh. OK. Thanks.”
“You’re Whalecum, son.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayfutq/a_father_whale_and_a_son_whale_are_swimming_in/
%
Marvel's greatest villain is Thanos. DC's greatest villain

is Rotten Tomatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayfulc/marvels_greatest_villain_is_thanos_dcs_greatest/
%
One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayfs0r/one_weekend_a_husband_is_in_the_bathroom_shaving/
%
How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayfry9/how_many_forbes_writers_does_it_take_to_make_a/
%
I've just bought a book about Feng Shui,

but I can't decide where to put it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayfrlp/ive_just_bought_a_book_about_feng_shui/
%
Scientists got bored of watching the Earth rotate every 24 hours...

...they decided to call it a day and go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayfo7d/scientists_got_bored_of_watching_the_earth_rotate/
%
You don’t take a shit.

You leave a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayfmhh/you_dont_take_a_shit/
%
What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with them, the harder they get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayflhh/what_do_a_rubiks_cube_and_a_penis_have_in_common/
%
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayf5dc/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
What did a man say after a chiropractic treatment?

"I stand corrected."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayf3m1/what_did_a_man_say_after_a_chiropractic_treatment/
%
When you use a condom to masturbate...

it doesn't really come in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayf1nq/when_you_use_a_condom_to_masturbate/
%
During our church service one Sunday...

a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I’m usually not such a big boob."
The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That’s okay. We like big boobs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayevlx/during_our_church_service_one_sunday/
%
A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayepi5/a_feminist_told_me_about_the_dwayne_johnson_rule/
%
I plan to run power out to my barn.

I’d like to have plumbing as well but that may just be a pipe dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayepec/i_plan_to_run_power_out_to_my_barn/
%
Why is gender like the twin towers?

There used to be two, and now it’s a sensitive topic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayekxk/why_is_gender_like_the_twin_towers/
%
A teacher in a 3rd grade class asked her students what their fathers did for a living.

She got all kinds of answers:  doctors, engineers, bus drivers.  Finally little Billy stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whore house."
"What?!" the teacher exclaimed.
Billy repeated himself, "My dad is a piano player in a whore house."
The teacher was utterly incensed, and dragged Billy to the principal's office.  The teacher looked at Billy and said, "Tell the principal what you told me."
Billy said, "My dad is a piano player in a whore house."
The principal was astonished and asked, "Where did you hear of such a thing?"
"My dad told me himself," said Billy.
The principal immediately called Billy's father and asked, "Did you really tell your son that you're a piano player in a whore house?"
Billy's father sighed and said, "Yes.  I'm actually a lawyer, but there are some things you just can't tell an 8-year-old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayejnd/a_teacher_in_a_3rd_grade_class_asked_her_students/
%
A man and his wife play petty games with each other regularly in order to one-up the other.

One morning his wife wakes him up hollering "I'm so much better than you that I even beat you at getting up in the morning".
This continued for some time, as his wife woke him up early and continuously drove home how better than him she was.
One day when he left for work his friend, who knew about their unstable relationship, noticed him smiling and asked him what happened
"I beat my wife up this morning"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayeggq/a_man_and_his_wife_play_petty_games_with_each/
%
Someone told me my clothes were gay

I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayegd5/someone_told_me_my_clothes_were_gay/
%
Women love a man brimming with confidence.

Because without that, what else is there to destroy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayef2s/women_love_a_man_brimming_with_confidence/
%
What's the most stereotypical Irish name?

Klee Shea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayeegb/whats_the_most_stereotypical_irish_name/
%
I was sacked today for having sex with a customer in the back of my taxi.

I say taxi... technically it's a hearse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayedun/i_was_sacked_today_for_having_sex_with_a_customer/
%
How many Buzzfeed workers does it take to form a firing squad?

10. But number 5 will blow your mind!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aye72a/how_many_buzzfeed_workers_does_it_take_to_form_a/
%
Why is the unvaccinated 2 year old crying?

Midlife  Crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aydxq5/why_is_the_unvaccinated_2_year_old_crying/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aydoph/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.

Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayditx/i_bought_my_wife_a_stripper_pole_for_our/
%
What do they call a cup of coffee in China?

A cup of Zhou

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aydcpt/what_do_they_call_a_cup_of_coffee_in_china/
%
I support euthanasia.

In fact, I support the youth in every continent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aydbyu/i_support_euthanasia/
%
A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?

The brunette.
The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aydaae/a_blond_and_a_brunette_jumped_off_the_roof_of_a/
%
(Recent) Justin Trudeau did pretty well in school...

...But as soon as he got to the "yes/no answers" section of the exams, he couldn't answer the questions and accidentally apologized to the indigenous people on behalf of someone else at a different period in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayd708/recent_justin_trudeau_did_pretty_well_in_school/
%
Have you heard about the place way up North where birds stop flying North and start flying south?

It's where they make Arctic Terns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayd5mj/have_you_heard_about_the_place_way_up_north_where/
%
What do lesbians and mechanics have in common?

Snap-on tools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayd1kh/what_do_lesbians_and_mechanics_have_in_common/
%
If you pronounce "fuck off" backwards.

you say it in a British accent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayd1a9/if_you_pronounce_fuck_off_backwards/
%
What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aycwi8/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees a big jar full of money on the counter

He asks the bartender about it, and he replies, "Oh, it's for this ongoing... I guess you'd call it a contest."
Intrigued, the man asks how it works.
"Well, you put $100 in and then you'll win the whole jar if you complete three tasks."
The jar is quite large and full to the brim with what must be thousands of $100 bills. Excited, he asks, "What are the three tasks?"
The bartender says, "Well, first you have to drink three straight pints of whiskey without throwing up. That's three entire pints, mind you. Most people can't do it."
"Okay," the man says, clearly seeing that this is dangerous but doable, "what's the second task?"
"Through this door, I have a pet alligator, and he has a sore tooth. It's been bothering him for ages. You need to pull his tooth for me."
"Holy shit," the man says, "alright, well, what's the third task?"
"My granny lives upstairs, so I can take care of her. She's lonely and hasn't gotten laid in over 30 years. Go upstairs and make her feel young again."
The man thinks very hard about these tasks, then nods his head, takes out a fresh, crisp $100 bill and stuffs it into the jar. The bartender pours the three pints of whiskey, which the man promptly starts drinking. It takes him a minute or so, and he nearly vomits, but manages to keep them down.
He then goes through the doorway, stumbling slightly, to the alligator room. An immense howling is soon heard, grunting, scratching, and some of most painful and excruciating sounds the bartender has ever heard.
After a few minutes, the man stumbles back through the doorway, looking a little worse for the wear, and says, "Alright... So, where's that old lady with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aycqfa/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_big_jar_full_of/
%
I always ask myself whether I'm schizophrenic

But the voices inside my head tell me no and I trust them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aycnrb/i_always_ask_myself_whether_im_schizophrenic/
%
A friend asked me how my long distance relation ship was going...

So far, so good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayclr0/a_friend_asked_me_how_my_long_distance_relation/
%
Why did the Walrus cross the road?

Just for the halibut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayclqo/why_did_the_walrus_cross_the_road/
%
A limbo champion walked into a bar.

He was disqualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aycgop/a_limbo_champion_walked_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aycave/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_shins/
%
A husband is talking to his wife.

Husband: "I just need some alone time away from the kids"
Wife: "When?"
Husband: "Between 2 and 5."
Wife: "OK."
Husband: "I'll be back when they're 6."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayc4re/a_husband_is_talking_to_his_wife/
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Doh!!!

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aybzek/doh/
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A dwarf walks into a

brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.
The madam asks how she can help him.
He says "I need a woman for mine has left me."
The madam says "Whatever for? And what are the honeycomb and jackass for?" The dwarf says, "my wife found a genie that could grant her three wishes. For the first wish she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second wish she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this Jackass.
The madam then asks "what about the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knee." "That's not so bad." "Not so bad?" Spluttered the dwarf  "I used to be 6 foot 3!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aybyuk/a_dwarf_walks_into_a/
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As get older, I’ve developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aybvgu/as_get_older_ive_developed_an_embarrassing_habit/
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic with a agnostic and an insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aybuhe/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dyslexic_with_a/
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This man at the gym just proposed and she said no

Well, that didn't workout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aybts0/this_man_at_the_gym_just_proposed_and_she_said_no/
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What do you say after telling a really bad eye joke?

Corny uh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aybtd9/what_do_you_say_after_telling_a_really_bad_eye/
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There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong.

The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet.
After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return.
About an hour went by, then the kindly pigeon returned with 30 of his mates, they all had ropes hanging out of their beaks, and on the end of the ropes was a raft.
The pigeon told the little girl to jump on the raft, and they would take her across to France.
About half way across the Channel, a storm blew up and the ropes broke. Despite the pigeons' best efforts, the raft sank, and sadly- the little girl drowned.
The moral of this story is:  you can’t be a ballet dancer if you're pigeon towed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aybq0q/there_was_this_little_girl_sitting_on_the_english/
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A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.
"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."
The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortune oh great wizard."
"Very well then," the wizard responds. The large oak door creaks ominously open as a gust of musky air hits the man in the face.
"This way please."
The wizard leads the man to a circular stone table, chipped  and worn from years of use. Both men take a seat at the table, the wizard sits in a magnificently crafted dark oak chair with a plush purple seat and back. The man sits opposite the wizard.
The wizard takes out a leather pouch from his robe pocket and places it on the table, carefully extracting small bone fragments from within. His curiosity piqued, the man leans forward. The wizard closes his eyes breathing in deeply, holding his breath, then releasing.
*Click clack click clack click*
The bones scatter across the table and the wizard begins to decipher the man's fortune. Very suddenly, his brow furrows.
"**Oh no, oh no**," the wizard mutters, "**this is not good**."
The man turns pale. Scared for his future, he begins to panic."
"What is it? Tell me! Tell me!"
The wizard looks up at him, surprised at his sudden change of face.
"I forgot to turn the oven off, I'll be back in a minute," he states, before standing up and walking down the hall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aybomk/a_man_goes_to_a_wizard_to_get_his_fortune_read/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*choking sound*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aybld3/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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You know, it's really hard to hire marionette puppeteers at short notice.

But if you like, I could pull some strings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aybi5u/you_know_its_really_hard_to_hire_marionette/
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Girlfriends are like boomerangs

I hope...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aybcpq/girlfriends_are_like_boomerangs/
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I know a guy that had a sexual relationship with one of his teachers

I suppose there’s a lot less competition when you’re homeschooled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aybcdu/i_know_a_guy_that_had_a_sexual_relationship_with/
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I was once a man trapped inside a woman’s body

Then my mother gave birth to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayb93z/i_was_once_a_man_trapped_inside_a_womans_body/
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I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought to myself...

Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayb6yx/i_was_drinking_my_milkshake_on_a_cliff_and/
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I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"
Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.
"Gold of course!" I said proudly.
She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayb4k2/i_was_out_shopping_tonight_when_i_saw_a_new_brand/
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Whats the difference between a Mexican and a book?

The book has papers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayb31a/whats_the_difference_between_a_mexican_and_a_book/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping in the school?

It's fine, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayb0nl/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_in_the_school/
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A black guy and a Mexican are in a car, whose driving?

The cop....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayayye/a_black_guy_and_a_mexican_are_in_a_car_whose/
%
What’s worse than Kpop?

KKKpop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayaxr3/whats_worse_than_kpop/
%
I had a prostate exam today

Doctor felt around and said I had to quit masturbating. I asked why? Doctor said so he can finish the exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayasdh/i_had_a_prostate_exam_today/
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A hunter kills a bear

. He goes to check what he killed and the dad of that bear comes behind him and taps him on his shoulder. Bear says "what you've done isn't very nice is it?" bear gives him 2 options "i either eat you or fuck you in the ass". The hunter thinks and goes with the second option.
The hunter is taken to the hospital where he stays 2 weeks. When he comes out he buys the biggest sniper he could find and goes out to kill that bear.
He kills that bear and goes to piss and shit on him. Then a grizzly comes behind his back and taps the hunter on his shoulder. "what you've done isn't very nice is it?" grizzly gives him 2 options "i either eat you or fuck you in the ass". The hunter all angry pulls his pants down the second time.
He is taken to the hospital where he stays for 3 months and when he comes out he goes to the store and buys a bazooka to kill that grizzly.
He kills that grizzly and goes to piss and shit on him when a polar bear comes behind his back and taps him on his shoulder. Polar bear says: "im starting to think you are not coming in the woods just to hunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayakh6/a_hunter_kills_a_bear/
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What do you say when you finally get the book about the history of herbs you've been waiting for?

It's about thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayaked/what_do_you_say_when_you_finally_get_the_book/
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What do you call a witch in the desert?

A sandwitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayafpr/what_do_you_call_a_witch_in_the_desert/
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Whats the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews

Harry got out of the chambers alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayaebt/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_the/
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What do you call a funny mosquito?

Malarious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayadmu/what_do_you_call_a_funny_mosquito/
%
Did ya hear why they're closing down the eunuchs club?

Cause they lost all their members.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayabfs/did_ya_hear_why_theyre_closing_down_the_eunuchs/
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My wife told me

That women are better in multitasking than men.
I told her to shut up and make me a breakfast.
Obviously she didn't manage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ayaamb/my_wife_told_me/
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How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aya6zh/how_many_buzzfeed_workers_does_it_take_to_turn_on/
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How do you think the un-thinkable?

With an itheburg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay9s3l/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
As a summer job I would work for the circus, my job was to circumcise the elephants...

The pay wasn’t that good, but the tips were HUGE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay9i96/as_a_summer_job_i_would_work_for_the_circus_my/
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What do you call a Bohemian's passport?

A Czechmark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay94pt/what_do_you_call_a_bohemians_passport/
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I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad

now she is my mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay92r6/i_wanted_to_impress_my_crush_so_i_told_her_about/
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A girl asks: “What is the best breakfast to keep me full the longest?”

Me: “Two eggs and one sausage are enough to fill a girl for nine months straight. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay924m/a_girl_asks_what_is_the_best_breakfast_to_keep_me/
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What do priests and ps4s have in common?

They both get turned on by little kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay910a/what_do_priests_and_ps4s_have_in_common/
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I walked in on my son making out with his girlfriend. "Oh, woah, what's this?" I asked. He's been avoiding me ever since...

... and keeps mumbling something about me being a "furry"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay8u3v/i_walked_in_on_my_son_making_out_with_his/
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Man, prison rape sucks

Such a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay8r4l/man_prison_rape_sucks/
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the restroom?

Cause they are dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay8pfx/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_restroom/
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I picked up a hitchhiker and he was surprised

He asked me, "Dude, why did you give me a lift? What if I was a serial killer?"
I laughed and replied, "The chance of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay8n2l/i_picked_up_a_hitchhiker_and_he_was_surprised/
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What do you call it when a redditor tries to get karma without posting real content?

Cake day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay8k4l/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_redditor_tries_to_get/
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An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel

While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.
A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.
The husband thinks about it for a while and then says to the mortitian that he would like to have her transported home.
The mortitian asks the why he wouldn't let her be buried in Israel when he could save a lot of money!
The husband then says "well I've heard of a guy who died and was buried here many years ago and he came back after three days. I'm not gonna risk that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay8ewc/an_elderly_couple_were_on_vacation_in_israel/
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What part of Popeye never gets rusty?

The part he sticks in Olive Oyl!
<Popeye laugh>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay8ebt/what_part_of_popeye_never_gets_rusty/
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Tim Apple walks into a Washington DC bar and drinks couple of beers and prepares to leave

The bartender, a certain gentleman called Dump Trump tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says Tim.
"OK," says Trump, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
Tim goes outside and sees Bill Pornhub & tells him that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. Pornhub rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep Trump replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
Bill goes outside and tells his friend John Reddit how to get free drinks. Reddit hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
Trump leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "
Reddit interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay8btz/tim_apple_walks_into_a_washington_dc_bar_and/
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Three guys are stranded on a deserted island

One of the guys finds a lamp with a genie inside.
The genie says: Thank you for freeing me. In return, I will grant you a wish each.
The first guy says: I wish I was at home with my wife and kids!
"As you wish" the genie says. Poof and the guy is at home with his wife and kids.
The second guy says: I wish I was at the playboy mansion surrounded by lots of beautiful women!
"As you wish" the genie says. Poof and the guy is at the playboy mansion surrounded by beautiful women.
"And what about you?" The genis asks. "What is your wish?"
The third guy looks around and says: It's quite lonely here now. I wish the other two guys where back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay8bol/three_guys_are_stranded_on_a_deserted_island/
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Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay8aze/why_did_the_old_man_fall_in_the_well/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay8990/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Man walks by the cemetery...

A fellow was strolling by the cemetery one day and glancing over the fence noticed a Gent down on his knees at a gravesite sobbing and pounding his fists on the stone and sobbing....."Why did you have to die?, why, oh why did you have to die?"
The sight of this fellow in such misery really had an effect on him, so he gently walked up to the man in the cemetery, putting his arm around his shoulders, he said, "It pains me so to see a fellow human in such a state of misery, I am so sorry for your loss."  "Was it your wife?", he asked.....
"No",  the poor soul responded, " It was her first husband."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay814d/man_walks_by_the_cemetery/
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What's the difference between friend and a buddy?

A friend will bail you out of jail and tell you, you fucked up.
A buddy will be sitting next to you in jail saying.
We fucked up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay7wkz/whats_the_difference_between_friend_and_a_buddy/
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How do you get 50 drunk Canadians out of a pool?

You say "everyone out of the pool please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay7sh2/how_do_you_get_50_drunk_canadians_out_of_a_pool/
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Just Kidding

A man gets a call from the hospital telling him his wife has been hurt in an accident. He rushes to the hospital and is met by her doctor.
The doctor says “I’m sorry, she’s in really bad shape”. Husband starts to tear up and asks “how bad is it doctor?” The doctor tells him that she’s a paraplegic and there’s little hope of recovery. Husband sits down and starts sobbing. The doctor puts his hand on the husband’s shoulder and starts to describe how the wife will have to be fed, bathed, diaper changed etc for the rest of her life.
The husband is inconsolable now, he can barely breathe at this point. Finally the doctor smiles and says “Nah, I’m just kidding, she died”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay7nb4/just_kidding/
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So the conductor goes crazy when one of the musicians hits a wrong note

and jumped down and stabs him with his baton killing him. He's given the death penalty. For his last meal he wants a dozen bananas. They hit the switch on the electric chair and nothing happens. They explain that they have to let him go free. He gets his job back at the orchestra and the next performance kills another band member for screwing up. Back to prison and the electric chair. He again requests a dozen bananas for his last meal. When they hit the switch, like before, nothing happens. Before letting him go they ask if it has something to do with the bananas. No,  he replies,  I'm just a bad conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay7l9c/so_the_conductor_goes_crazy_when_one_of_the/
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Liberace was great on the piano and all.

But crazy rumor had it that he sucked on the organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay7jtc/liberace_was_great_on_the_piano_and_all/
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This morning I was beaten up by a busty lady in the elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press one?"
And so I did.
I don't remember much after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay7jcr/this_morning_i_was_beaten_up_by_a_busty_lady_in/
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What did Kermit the frog say after Jim Henson died?

-Nothing-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay7htz/what_did_kermit_the_frog_say_after_jim_henson_died/
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A sheep, two doughnuts, and a snake walked into a bar.

Bah-Dunk-Dunk, Sssss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay7gh4/a_sheep_two_doughnuts_and_a_snake_walked_into_a/
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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant he’d get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. He’d always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually he doesn’t want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, he’d sit there rattling off facts about mollusks for hours.
This was shaping up to be a long term passion, so for his 15th birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed.
Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something I’ve never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell – I don’t want to get too into the gross details but I’m a dude, a once 18 year old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and don’t clean it. I’m sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of Strombidae fleshlight for a long, long time without cleaning it.
I’m not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god you’d think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help.
So it’s been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her it’s been incredibly promising so far. He’s really starting to come out of his shell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay7fec/three_years_ago_i_mistakenly_bought_my_son_a/
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A guy walks into a clock shop and puts his cock on the counter...

The woman behind the counter says ‘this is a clock shop not a cock shop’
The guy looks and her and says ‘well why don’t you put a face and two hands on it’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay79cw/a_guy_walks_into_a_clock_shop_and_puts_his_cock/
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What does a cannibal do after eating a vegetable?

Goes on eBay to see how much the wheelchair could sell for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay78w2/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_eating_a_vegetable/
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Q: Have you heard about the guy who likes to dip his balls in glitter?

A: Yeah, he's Pretty Nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay78r7/q_have_you_heard_about_the_guy_who_likes_to_dip/
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Veteran Survives Torture

After many years in captivity in enemy territory, Lt. Victor Danforth returns to home to much fanfare. After his return he is interviewed by journalists on national tv.
"Lt. Victor. You were endlessly tortured by the enemy, but you held out. How did you do it?"
"I'm sure there was nothing special I did. I mean, sure, the enemy was relentless. One week they'd put me in a hot box, the next week they'd put me in an ice box. One week they wouldn't give me any water, and next week they'd waterboard me. One week they'd put me in solitary confinement, and the next week they'd shove 50 of us prisoners like sardines in a small cage. So on average, circumstances were quite idyllic."
Lt. Victor was a statistician in his previous civilian life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay71q6/veteran_survives_torture/
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A government run initiative to restore the male geese population is getting a lot of media attention...

Critics are referring to it as proper gander.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay715b/a_government_run_initiative_to_restore_the_male/
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I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay7159/i_took_my_grandma_to_a_fish_spa_center_where_the/
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My wife was teaching our children that Barbie and Disney were sexist and misogynistic.

I happen to believe that children learn through examples set by their parents.
So I told my wife to shut her yap and get back in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay704x/my_wife_was_teaching_our_children_that_barbie_and/
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I heard some of the jokes on this subreddit don't sit to well with y'all...

How 'bout some stand up comedy instead?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay6y7w/i_heard_some_of_the_jokes_on_this_subreddit_dont/
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Would you like this in a bag?

Man at the counter :A box of condoms, please.
Clerk :That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?
Man at the counter :Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay6vce/would_you_like_this_in_a_bag/
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I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never come for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay6p5x/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over

So I packed her shit and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay6mp1/my_wife_caught_me_cross_dressing_and_said_it_was/
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If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.
Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay6kog/if_a_mass_of_beef_fat_is_tallow_and_mass_of_pig/
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A smartphone user is browsing Reddit at a funeral. He asks the priest sitting next to him, "do you have the wifi password"? Looking at him in disgust the priest exclaims, "Respect the dead"!

The smartphone user replies, "all lowercase"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay6h7q/a_smartphone_user_is_browsing_reddit_at_a_funeral/
%
I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay6g2c/i_was_at_a_barber_shop_in_bangkok_and_i_asked_to/
%
Too soon

What is making a joke about Alex Tribek's cancer diagnosis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay6dur/too_soon/
%
Last night I played Origami poker

Things were going great, until I had to fold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay6d5r/last_night_i_played_origami_poker/
%
What sex position is banned in Alabama?

Doggy style.
Never turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay62j6/what_sex_position_is_banned_in_alabama/
%
What do you call a Nazi soldier who decides to devote himself to animals?

A VeteranAryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay5wng/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_soldier_who_decides_to/
%
I’ve never tried to hide my sex change from my kids.

I’m very trans parent about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay5w9k/ive_never_tried_to_hide_my_sex_change_from_my_kids/
%
An anti-vax mom walks in on her son self vaccinating.

And she says that better be heroin !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay5u8k/an_antivax_mom_walks_in_on_her_son_self/
%
I took a Viagra and it got stuck in my throat

I've had a stiff neck for hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay5u3b/i_took_a_viagra_and_it_got_stuck_in_my_throat/
%
I Heard Minnesota Residents Are Very Excited.

Rumor is going around that summer may fall on a weekend this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay5thl/i_heard_minnesota_residents_are_very_excited/
%
Phil Swift has a new product

He puts on a pair of boots and says, " I present to you the FlexBoots! Now this product may seem like ordinary boots, but with these bad boys you can run up walls, on the ceiling!"  He goes on to demonstrate them by walking on random surfaces. "To show you the power FlexBoots", the camera slowly zooms out, and inverts itself, showing Phil standing under an airplane ."I'm on an airplane!" The pilot of the plane looks out the window and says,
"Weird Flex but okay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay5a09/phil_swift_has_a_new_product/
%
A fat girl is sitting on a sidewalk crying, then a fairy comes and says,

"Why are you crying little girl.."
The fat girl responds, "All the kids are laughing at me for being fat!"
The fairy then says, "I will grant you one wish, I suppose your wish is t-" She is interrupted and the girl says
"I'd like 3 burgers and a large Coke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay59ps/a_fat_girl_is_sitting_on_a_sidewalk_crying_then_a/
%
Who used the internet first?

Httpsters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay580r/who_used_the_internet_first/
%
A teacher got fed up with a student for procrastinating so she presented him with a study showing how putting things off can be harmful.

He responded “Thanks. I’ll read it tomorrow”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay56im/a_teacher_got_fed_up_with_a_student_for/
%
My first sexual experience was a lot like my first football game

It hurt a lot, but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay55ql/my_first_sexual_experience_was_a_lot_like_my/
%
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey

But I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay53a1/i_was_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
%
Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" teacher! I'm feeling something long hard with a firm pink tip, what am I feeling?" Teacher shouts"JOHNNY THAT'S DISGUSTING!" Johnny says" nope it's a pencil"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay4z08/little_johnny_is_in_class_and_his_teacher_is/
%
A heavily inebriated man comes into a bar and loudly asks, "is this the place with the gold toilets?!"

Hearing this, the barman yells to another customer, "Joe, I know who took a crap in your trombone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay4wji/a_heavily_inebriated_man_comes_into_a_bar_and/
%
What's the best part about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay4sdq/whats_the_best_part_about_dead_baby_jokes/
%
What do rush-hour traffic on the turnpike and a massive, gay orgy have in common?

Nothing but fucking assholes for as far as the eye can see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay4mnp/what_do_rushhour_traffic_on_the_turnpike_and_a/
%
What's wrong?

"What's wrong, Bubba?"  asked the pastor.
"I need you to pray for my hearing," said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba's ears and prayed. when he was done, he asked, "so how's your hearing?"
"I don't know," said Bubba. "It's not until next Tuesday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay4m9w/whats_wrong/
%
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay4kp5/why_cant_miss_piggy_count_to_70/
%
I guess all that phone sex has caught up to me in my old age,

I now have Hearing AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay4ikg/i_guess_all_that_phone_sex_has_caught_up_to_me_in/
%
Pesky monkey

A lion was on a date with a lioness he was chasing after for months and finally got his chance to take her out to a picnic.
While they were enjoying their romantic outing, a monkey jumped out and started making fun of the lion.
The lioness looked at the lion and said "aren't you going to respond by beating him up and teaching him a lesson?"
The lion looks at the monkey then tells her "nah forget him, just ignore him"
The lioness felt a little strange and went back to her date mood.
The monkey jumps out again and makes more fun of the lion.
The lioness gets very angry and roars at the lion "either you go teach him a lesson and man up or I will!"
The lion looks at the monkey then back at her and says "sweetheart just ignore him, trust me"
The monkey starts mooning the couple and farts towards them calling the lion names.
The lioness had enough. She jumps and starts to chase the monkey who immediately started running into the forest.
Over the pond, with the lioness behind him, jumping over ditches, with the lioness behind him, and into a hollow log where the lioness finally got stuck with her head inside and the rest of her body outside the log.
The monkey calmly walks out of the other side, goes to the back of the log, and starts having sex with the stuck lioness as she struggles to release her head from the log.
After a few minutes, and after the monkey was finished and long gone, she successfully released her self and with shame returned back to the lion, who looked at her and said "he took you to the log didn't he?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay4i91/pesky_monkey/
%
How does a pornstar say good bye to a client?

Nice business doing pleasure with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay4f74/how_does_a_pornstar_say_good_bye_to_a_client/
%
An Airman, Sailor, Marine, and an Army Ranger end up on an island full of cannibals. They were captured, blindfolded, and sent to the cannibal chief.

Mobile, so formatting.  Here's a few different iterations of the joke.
The chief says, "Well, gentlemen, unfortunately for you, we are going to build canoes out of your skin.  However,  because you all are warriors, I will grant you the option to choose how you will die."
A
The sailor asks for a bucket of seawater, stating that it would be fitting that he lives on the ocean, so he should die from the ocean.  The chief grants it and within minutes the sailor is dead.
The airman asks for poison, because he's too cowardly for any other death.  The chief grants it, and the sailor is dead in seconds.
The Marine asks for a pistol to blow his brains out because it's a Marine way to go.  The chief hands him a pistol with a single round.  The Marine blows his brains out and is dead instantly.
The Ranger asks for a knife.  The chief grants it.  To the chief's shock, the Ranger starts stabbing himself all over, "what the fuck are you doing?!" The chief yells.  The ranger replies "FUCK YOUR GODDAMN CANOE!"
B
The sailor asks for a bucket of seawater, stating that it would be fitting that he lives on the ocean, so he should die from the ocean.  The chief grants it and within minutes the sailor is dead.
The airman asks for poison, because he's too cowardly for any other death.  The chief grants it, and the sailor is dead in seconds.
The Ranger asks for a pistol to blow his brains out because it's a manly way to go.  The chief hands him a pistol with a single round.  The Ranger blows his brains out and is dead instantly.
The chief, who was distracted by the three others, hears the sound of chewing.  He turns his head, and sees the Marine, chowing down on the sailor's corpse.  The Marine looks up, and says "wait, were we supposed to say grace before digging in?"
C   NSFW
The airman asks for poison, because he's too cowardly for any other death.  The chief grants it, and the sailor is dead in seconds.
The Marine asks for a pistol to blow his brains out because it's a Marine way to go.  The chief hands him a pistol with a single round.  The Marine blows his brains out and is dead instantly.
The Ranger asks for a knife, and is about to cut his throat, when he hears a noise.  The Ranger removes his blindfold and sees the sailor sucking the chief's dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay4erd/an_airman_sailor_marine_and_an_army_ranger_end_up/
%
Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay4ecn/mark_zuckerberg_published_a_privacyfocused_vision/
%
I asked R Kelly if he thought I was pretty.

He said "you're an eight"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay4e3b/i_asked_r_kelly_if_he_thought_i_was_pretty/
%
Last night I watched a documentary on heroin...

Which really is the best way to watch a documentary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay4cmx/last_night_i_watched_a_documentary_on_heroin/
%
What do Slovakians say when they win a game of chess?

"Czech mate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay48er/what_do_slovakians_say_when_they_win_a_game_of/
%
A skeleton walks into a bar and says,

" give me a beer and a mop"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay47m6/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
%
My body is a temple...

... just not the kind you’d pay to visit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay45fj/my_body_is_a_temple/
%
A man goes to a bar with his friend after a day of work.

After a couple of beer, the man pukes on his jacket.
Man : Damn, my wife will kill me when she knows I puked on myself for drinking too much!
Friend : Hey, I got an idea.... put a $20 bill in the pocket of your jacket. Tomorrow, when your wife sees the mess, tell her that I puked on you and I gave you $20 for the cleaner.
Man : Yeah that should do the trick!
So the man calls a cab and get back to his home.
The next morning, he hear his wife shouting.
Wife : You puked on yourself yesterday, you're a disgusting pig!
Man : No darling, it's not what you think. My friend puked on me, but he gave me $20 to clean it, look in the pocket!
*Wife put her hand in the pocket*
Wife : There's $40 in that pocket?
Man : Oh yeah, he shat in my pants too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay44vl/a_man_goes_to_a_bar_with_his_friend_after_a_day/
%
Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay430x/whenever_im_sad_my_friend_always_says_cheer_up/
%
If possible, before making any major decision, jack off . . .

It'll make you cum to your senses. This my friends is called known as '*post-nut clarity'.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay40qh/if_possible_before_making_any_major_decision_jack/
%
I went to the shop to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realized I had picked 7 Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay3z8b/i_went_to_the_shop_to_buy_six_cans_of_sprite/
%
How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off?

It pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay3ymp/how_does_a_pair_of_jeans_cool_its_self_off/
%
Why are unvaccinated children such good athletes?

Because they can catch anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay3x71/why_are_unvaccinated_children_such_good_athletes/
%
I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay3wkf/i_remember_my_childhood_quite_fondly_when_dad/
%
Did you hear about the guy with the invisible penis?

He came out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay3q6h/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_the_invisible/
%
I edited my pig's genes to make it taste better

you might even say the bacon is CRISPR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay3py2/i_edited_my_pigs_genes_to_make_it_taste_better/
%
Plane confused?

just wing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay3nxa/plane_confused/
%
Don’t know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.

He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.
I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay392w/dont_know_what_was_wrong_with_the_delivery_driver/
%
There are 10 types of people in the world...

Those that understand binary and those that don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay34ns/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
I was at the doctor's today and I learned I have Bartter Syndrome...

Wondering if anyone wants to trade?
(Yes that's a true syndrome, and come on, you knew the punchline before you read it).
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartter\_syndrome](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartter_syndrome)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay2up9/i_was_at_the_doctors_today_and_i_learned_i_have/
%
"Dad how to stars die?"

"Usually an overdose"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay2tgi/dad_how_to_stars_die/
%
Whenever I feel fat, I go into the store and buy a Mini Bic.

Each time, I get a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay2o9j/whenever_i_feel_fat_i_go_into_the_store_and_buy_a/
%
You know, there are really two kinds of people in the world.

People who can extrapolate from incomplete sets of data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay2e0l/you_know_there_are_really_two_kinds_of_people_in/
%
Did you hear about the explosion at a cheese factory in France?

There's nothing left but de Brie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay27mk/did_you_hear_about_the_explosion_at_a_cheese/
%
Pompeii must be the ultimate party town

Look at the locals, they're stoned 24/7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay24wi/pompeii_must_be_the_ultimate_party_town/
%
I ordered a Chinese takeaway...

I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) just been to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving, - WTF??!!!
I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay1z7z/i_ordered_a_chinese_takeaway/
%
A policeman stops three guys on a motorcycle

He asks them: "Are you crazy? What the hell are three of you doing on such a small motorcycle!?"
One of the three guys replies: "Three? OH SHIT GUYS, BOBBY FELL OUT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay1wjt/a_policeman_stops_three_guys_on_a_motorcycle/
%
I came into some money recently.

Probably should’ve just used it to buy some tissues but whatever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay1nwj/i_came_into_some_money_recently/
%
Describe yourself in three words.

Lazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay1n90/describe_yourself_in_three_words/
%
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay1ijy/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dyslexic_an/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

They're just really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay1hz0/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
What do you call an angry psychiatrist?

Thera-pissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay1fvo/what_do_you_call_an_angry_psychiatrist/
%
Lottery Winner!

A woman whips her car into the driveway, rushes inside and yells upstairs to her husband, “Hey, pack your bags! I hit the lottery!”
He yells down, “No shit? What should I pack, mountain clothes or beach clothes?” She says, “I don’t care what you pack. Just get the hell out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay1a8f/lottery_winner/
%
Birthday cake

A little girl is walking to the zoo with her mom when they pass by 2 dogs in a yard screwing.
"Mama!  Look at those dogs!  What are they doing?"
"Don't worry, sweetie, they're just making a birthday cake."
After they get to the zoo, they go to see the monkeys and sure enough, there's 2 of them screwing too.
"Mama!  What are those monkeys doing?"
"They're just making a birthday cake, don't worry."
The next morning, the little girl tells her mom, "Mama!  You and Daddy were making a birthday cake last night!"
"What?!?  How do you know that?"
"Because I licked the icing off the sofa!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay19bi/birthday_cake/
%
I'm not fucking stupid.

I mean, I used to.
But I divorced her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay16ou/im_not_fucking_stupid/
%
Guy Walks Into A Bar...

Me: Guy walks into a bar
Person: who was he?
Me: I don't know; anyway, Guy walks into a bar
Person: Was he white, black, Mexican, what?
Me: Race shouldn't matter...Guy walks into a bar...
Person: Was he a drunk? Was he drunk? What was he doing?
Me: I guess he liked to sip a bit...I don't know! ... So, he walks into the bar, right? So...
Person: What was he wearing?
Me: I'm not sure! Why do you keep interrupting me?!
Person: Because this is a crime scene investigation! And I'm just trying to get your statement! Are you drunk?!
Me: *chuckles* ... no ... (maybe)
Officer: Alright, then. Let's try this again...What happened?
Me: ok. Alright. So, this guy walks into a bar...
Officer: Turn around and put your hands around your back, sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay10wx/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A chicken walks up to a duck that’s considering crossing the road.

“Don’t do it, pal,” the chicken says, “you’ll never hear the end of it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0wuv/a_chicken_walks_up_to_a_duck_thats_considering/
%
Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making suggestions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0w26/is_google_male_or_female/
%
My long distance girlfriend wanted to see the guacamole I made

So I sent her a solicited dip pic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0rca/my_long_distance_girlfriend_wanted_to_see_the/
%
What would Cardi B’s porn name be?

Oral B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0qz9/what_would_cardi_bs_porn_name_be/
%
A barbarian warrior is captured by the enemy

He was taken before the leader, and told that he had one opportunity for life: he must survive four trials by ordeal.
The first was to walk barefoot across a trench filled with hot coals.
The second, to drink a full quart of the most powerful spirit.
Third, he had to enter a cave and, with a small set of tongs, remove a bad tooth from a vicious lioness.
Lastly, he was told, he had to make love to the ugliest old crone in the village.
Well, he pulled off his boots and told them to bring on the hot coals. Manfully he strode through them to the other side of the trench, where he lifted the quart of spirit and drained it, hurling the pot aside.
Then he stumbled into the lioness cave. There followed the most terrible sounds of spitting, growling, banging and shrieking. The listening men found their blood growing cold. At last the warrior staggered out into the sunlight. "Right," he said. "Now where's the woman with the toothache?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0qgx/a_barbarian_warrior_is_captured_by_the_enemy/
%
Two friends are talking about last night

" Dude, last night I was coming back home from work, walking alongside the train rails as usual, when I spotted this girl tied to the rails. So naturally I untied her and took her home, feeling good, feeling like a true hero. Then when we got home I was feeling so excited by this experience that I decided to have sex with her, banged her real hard for a couple hours, it felt so good man "
" Wow that is sweet, did she give you a blowjob though ? "
" Nah man, unfortunately the head was missing "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0oxt/two_friends_are_talking_about_last_night/
%
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery..

I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0ovc/if_i_ever_find_the_doctor_who_screwed_up_my_limb/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0nw1/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
It always bothers me when I tell my wife I’ll be home in 10 minutes

But she continues to call every half hour anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0nrm/it_always_bothers_me_when_i_tell_my_wife_ill_be/
%
I know a man with one leg named Smith

i don’t know what he named the other one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0mzf/i_know_a_man_with_one_leg_named_smith/
%
What is R. Kelly’s favorite band?

Alice In Chains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0mro/what_is_r_kellys_favorite_band/
%
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0mnk/i_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_last_night/
%
My penis is like the weekend...

It's just a bit to short to be truly satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0jk7/my_penis_is_like_the_weekend/
%
I went to the cinema to watch “Harry Potter”

...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied “So am I. He hated the book”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0hgg/i_went_to_the_cinema_to_watch_harry_potter/
%
What is cheaper? Deer nuts or beer nuts?

Deer nuts, because they are always under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay0b2h/what_is_cheaper_deer_nuts_or_beer_nuts/
%
"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay07rw/mom_im_dating_a_man/
%
The husband leans over and asks his wife,

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay06md/the_husband_leans_over_and_asks_his_wife/
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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay05f8/as_a_butcher_is_shooing_a_dog_from_his_shophe/
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A kindergarten class comes back from a trip to the farm.

The teacher asks the kids, "So, what sounds did we hear at the farm today?"
Little Sally: "Moooooo"
Little Billy: "Baaaaaa"
Little Timmy: "Quack, Quack"
Little Johnny: "GET THE FUCK OFF MY TRACTOR, YOU LITTLE CUNT!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ay040c/a_kindergarten_class_comes_back_from_a_trip_to/
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I've been working on getting a "dad bod"...

Now I can finally have a father figure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axzzzz/ive_been_working_on_getting_a_dad_bod/
%
What do you call a cow during an earthquake

A milkshake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axzybu/what_do_you_call_a_cow_during_an_earthquake/
%
Hey have you ever had sex while camping before?

Because it's fucking in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axzuw6/hey_have_you_ever_had_sex_while_camping_before/
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An elderly woman was watching tv one afternoon

There was a story on the news about a driver on the freeway driving the wrong way
She knew her husband was going to the store, so she called him
“Dear be careful, there is a car on the freeway driving the wrong way!”
“One!?, There’s hundreds of them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axzrav/an_elderly_woman_was_watching_tv_one_afternoon/
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What's the difference between a crap meme format and and an unvaccinated child?

Only one dies after going viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axzp15/whats_the_difference_between_a_crap_meme_format/
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My Cousin always brags about getting to sleep in a race-car bed

Joke's on him. I sleep in a real car!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axzm85/my_cousin_always_brags_about_getting_to_sleep_in/
%
My dishwasher broke...

Up with me the other day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axzl0b/my_dishwasher_broke/
%
A guy gets on a crowded bus.

The seats are full, except one empty seat next to a very attractive nun, so he decides to sit next to her. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and storms off the bus
The bus driver approaches the man and says, "There is a way you can screw that nun. Every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, Lord!" the nun screams. "Take me with you!"
The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex.
Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm actually the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm actually the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axzje5/a_guy_gets_on_a_crowded_bus/
%
A guy walks into a bar

It hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axziv7/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why does Donald Trump tweet at 3 AM?

Because it’s 10am in Moscow during business hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axzd8d/why_does_donald_trump_tweet_at_3_am/
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My wife has weekly lessons with Satan on how to be more evil...

I can vouch that what ever she charges him is well worth it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axz9en/my_wife_has_weekly_lessons_with_satan_on_how_to/
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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axz9em/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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An Irish man walked out of a bar...

Theoretically, it could happen...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axz97r/an_irish_man_walked_out_of_a_bar/
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Dying of dehydration

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.
"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.
She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."
The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.
"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."
"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.
"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"
"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.
He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.
"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."
"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.
"What do you want for some water?"
"You have to have sex with me."
Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.
"Do me here," she told him.
He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.
"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"
The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.
"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."
"Then lay back and close your eyes again."
This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.
"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."
"Eyes closed," he says.
Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.
"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.
So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.
One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axz8em/dying_of_dehydration/
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Closing all the tabs after you finish an assignment is like closing all the tabs after you finish watching porn

Except you're the one getting fucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axz6u0/closing_all_the_tabs_after_you_finish_an/
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What's the difference between ex-cons and congressmen?

Every once in a while ex-cons pass a few good bills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axyzah/whats_the_difference_between_excons_and/
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What does Hitler call the area around his tent?

Mein Kampf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axyy8y/what_does_hitler_call_the_area_around_his_tent/
%
Why are communist jokes so good?

Everybody gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axyug1/why_are_communist_jokes_so_good/
%
What do you call Mike Tyson on amphetamines?

Methed Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axysu0/what_do_you_call_mike_tyson_on_amphetamines/
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A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axypbj/a_mathematician_came_home_and_told_his_wife_sorry/
%
What is Hitler's favourite game?

Mein Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axyo3n/what_is_hitlers_favourite_game/
%
Heard the guy who invented predictive text has pissed away

His funfair is next monkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axym7t/heard_the_guy_who_invented_predictive_text_has/
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Genie: you have two wishes left

Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead.
Penie: And your final wish?
Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead
Penis: ...
Ms: nics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axyidj/genie_you_have_two_wishes_left/
%
A Christian mother thinks her son is gay and so goes to check his diary.

She reads his diary and learns he has kissed a man. Angry, she calls a hitman and sits atop a tree with him.
"I want you to blow that boy's dick off and hit my son in the butt hole."
The hitman reminds her he charges a thousand dollars a bullet.
He gets the scope ready but pauses.
"Wait a second, I think I can save you a thousand bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axyfm5/a_christian_mother_thinks_her_son_is_gay_and_so/
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A two foot tall man named Shaw is sentenced to five years in prison

So naturally he’s scared.  In particular, he’s scared of a large Dutch prisoner named Reedemps, who runs the cell block and gives the diminutive Shaw beatings on the regular.
Shaw makes friends with his cell mate, Joe, who is also afraid of Reedemps, Together, they hash out a plan to get revenge. Joe will get Reedemps to chase him, and Shaw will be waiting with a toothbrush he’s shaved into a plastic knife.
The next day at lunch Joe dumps his prison lunch chili on Reedemps’ head and runs into a closet. Reedemps opens the closet, where Joe kills the lights and yells:
“Shaw! Shank Reedemps’ shin!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axyele/a_two_foot_tall_man_named_shaw_is_sentenced_to/
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Postcard

My wife said that sex on holiday was much better.
That wasn't a very nice post card to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axycev/postcard/
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A mate of mine got addicted to phone sex

....
He ended up with hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axy9u0/a_mate_of_mine_got_addicted_to_phone_sex/
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An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All  the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After  a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Abdullah.
"How  do you like it here?"  Asked the grandson.
It's  wonderful!  Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Abdullah.
"We're  so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a "little different" from everyone."
"Oh,  no!  Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Abdullah said with a big smile.
“There's  a musician here - he's  85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There  is a judge in here - he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour.
There's  a dentist here - 90 years old.  He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor.
And  me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the Fucking Arab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axy77b/an_arab_family_was_considering_putting_their/
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My wife is like the world to me.

Round and fucking bi-polar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axy6di/my_wife_is_like_the_world_to_me/
%
A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.
The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.
"Hey, ma-"
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!"  The driver abruptly hit the breaks.
"Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet."
"What did you do before this?"
"I drove a hearse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axy53t/a_taxi_driver_new_on_the_job_picks_up_his_first/
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All my life I thought air was free

Until I bought a bag of chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axy2h4/all_my_life_i_thought_air_was_free/
%
When Obama gave his first speech as president he was behind bulletproof glass

I don't think it's fair..  just cuz he black don't mean he gunna shoot anyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxzp1/when_obama_gave_his_first_speech_as_president_he/
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It's ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom...

... unless they're flashing behind you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxzll/its_ironic_that_in_america_red_white_and_blue/
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What is the proper way to tell a red head joke?

Gingerly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxz3p/what_is_the_proper_way_to_tell_a_red_head_joke/
%
How come Kendall & Kylie never see their Father?

Because he’s trans-parent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxwqv/how_come_kendall_kylie_never_see_their_father/
%
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One or two?
Two or three?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxuf1/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Wife is on trial for killing her husband...

She's accused of killing her husband with his guitar collection.
Judge: First offender?
Wife: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxprv/wife_is_on_trial_for_killing_her_husband/
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Three dead men go to hell at the same time.

There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hell. The Mexican man gets a glass soda bottle, farts into it, closes the lid, pokes many holes in the lid, and asks Satan which hole the fart came from. After pointing to every hole on the lid, the Mexican turns around, points at his butt hole, and says, "Nope, this one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxp1x/three_dead_men_go_to_hell_at_the_same_time/
%
There were 3 friends...

There were 3 friends, Mat, Pat and Tat.
Once, they went to a brothel. Mat took the left, Pat took the right, but there was no tit for tat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxohp/there_were_3_friends/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got caught stealing electric guitars?

He was a Clapton maniac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxn08/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_caught/
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I asked my parents what they did to fight the boredom back in the day before the internet.

I got no answer.
I asked my 16 brothers and sisters and they don't know either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxl7q/i_asked_my_parents_what_they_did_to_fight_the/
%
A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxjei/a_man_came_home_just_in_time_to_find_his_wife_in/
%
A journalist went to interview a farmer:

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple litres a day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple litres a day.
Interviewer (a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer (now annoyed): Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black ones mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxize/a_journalist_went_to_interview_a_farmer/
%
Did you know you can fit any boat over your head like a hat, if you just flip it over?

That's how you make it cap-sized...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxhgp/did_you_know_you_can_fit_any_boat_over_your_head/
%
I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for grievous bodily harm...

Punched a black guy in the shopping center today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxgnt/i_punched_a_white_guy_at_the_gas_station_last/
%
What has 8 eyes and 8 legs ?

8 pirates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxg8s/what_has_8_eyes_and_8_legs/
%
There are 2 things that never get old.

1-Anti-vaxx jokes
2-Children of anti-vaxx people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxeef/there_are_2_things_that_never_get_old/
%
A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxdyl/a_guy_sits_down_in_a_restaurant_and_orders_a_bowl/
%
John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north…

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Keith.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well, she just died and left me everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axxc0u/john_decided_to_go_golfing_in_scotland_with_his/
%
A man walks into a bank with a loaded pistol

He shouts, everybody down or I'll shoot. Everybody gets down except one lady who is pregnant, she says she cant because she is having triplets. The man again demands she gets kn the floor. Again she says she cant because she's having triplets. The man shoots her 3 times and runs out of the bank. The woman and her fetus survive. Several years later her first son comes to her, mum, mum I had a wee and a bullet came out, then her second son comes up to her and says mum mum, I've had a wee and a bullet came out... then her third son comes in, mum mum, she says I know, you had a wee and a bullet cane out, he replies no, I had a wank and shot the dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axx5m0/a_man_walks_into_a_bank_with_a_loaded_pistol/
%
I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee.
Like a psychopath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axwt7c/i_saw_this_guy_today_at_starbucks_no_iphone_no/
%
This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axwq5j/this_guy_walks_into_a_quiet_bar/
%
What do you call a broken police officer?

Defective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axwpqw/what_do_you_call_a_broken_police_officer/
%
Q: What is a hooker in Alaska called?

A: A frostitute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axwn2x/q_what_is_a_hooker_in_alaska_called/
%
Why is Luke Perry bad at sex?

One stroke and he's finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axwmg9/why_is_luke_perry_bad_at_sex/
%
Why did the communist hate school?

Because it had classes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axwkph/why_did_the_communist_hate_school/
%
Why are photographers always so depressed?

Their life is full of negatives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axwfng/why_are_photographers_always_so_depressed/
%
What do you call a defective dishwasher?

A feminist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axwenr/what_do_you_call_a_defective_dishwasher/
%
Today I found out that the electrician didn't connect the protective grounding system at my home.

I was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axwdw9/today_i_found_out_that_the_electrician_didnt/
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You ever let out a huge sigh of relieve when getting test results back?

Only a phew will understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axwbzf/you_ever_let_out_a_huge_sigh_of_relieve_when/
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts," says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender. "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axwblo/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
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A Scotsman, a Frenchman and a Nigerian all die and meet St Peter at the pearly gates...

St. Peter:  you each get to ask me one demand and if I can't make your demand come true, I will send you back to earth for a second chance. If I do make your demand, you're headed to the afterlife...
Scotsman: I want you to give me all the scotch whiskey in the world right now...
St. Peter proceeds to do just that and the flood of whiskey floats the Scotsman straight into the afterlife. Frenchman you're next...
Frenchman: I want all the French red wine in the world right now..
St. Peter proceeds to do just that and the flood of red wine floats the Frenchman straight into the afterlife. Nigerian you're next...
Nigerian (as he is thinking what to ask, he nervously farts) : St Peter, Catch my fart and paint it green...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axwalm/a_scotsman_a_frenchman_and_a_nigerian_all_die_and/
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They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axw3s9/they_say_criminals_always_return_to_the_scene_of/
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I don’t last long in bed.

I told her, “If you change your mind, call me. I’ll come right away.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axvtdw/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_dont/
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An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability

Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axvst7/an_iq_below_70_qualifies_you_for_having_an/
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,

"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axvila/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
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The german baby

A couple adopts a german baby, and eagerly wait for its first words. The baby turns one,...then two...and three...and nothing, the parents begin to worry, and have him examined by a doctor, but the doctor can find nothing wrong...another year goes by, and still nothing.
One day, when he's four, as they are sitting down to dinner, the kid says, 'This apple strudel is a bit tepid.' The parents are overjoyed that their son has finally spoken, and ask him, ' Wolfgang, after all these years you've finally said something! Why didnt you say anything earlier?'
The kid answers, ' Up till now, everything was satisfactory.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axvgxp/the_german_baby/
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What do you call a dog who loves children stroking his fur?

A petophile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axvgxc/what_do_you_call_a_dog_who_loves_children/
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How many politician does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they will tell you that the future will be bright!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axv823/how_many_politician_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”
This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... “Donald duck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axv706/the_president_is_walking_out_of_the_white_house/
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How do you tell the difference between a female ant and a boy ant?

If you throw it in water and it sinks, it's a female ant. If you throw it in water and it floats, it's a buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axuwri/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_female/
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A man invented the tampon.

Let that soak in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axuiss/a_man_invented_the_tampon/
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Why do Scottish people wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axug83/why_do_scottish_people_wear_kilts/
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My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

…
No wait, she's back.
…
She just went to make a cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axucv2/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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An elderly Italian man

who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axu7nl/an_elderly_italian_man/
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If it's true that the bigger your shoes, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick,

That must be why so many people are scared of clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axu4r9/if_its_true_that_the_bigger_your_shoes_the_bigger/
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Why don’t fish pass their exams?

Because they work below C-Level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axu42l/why_dont_fish_pass_their_exams/
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A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian.

The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axu3im/a_man_rushes_his_limp_dog_to_the_veterinarian/
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Two guys are drinking at a penthouse bar at the top of a skyscraper in Chicago...

One guy says to the other, "ya know, when it gets really windy out there, like tonight, you can just float out the window. It's awesome!"
The other guy's not a complete idiot, so he says, "whadda ya think, I'm stupid? I wasn't born yesterday. I don't care how windy it is out there. It can't hold up a grown man."
"You don't believe me? Watch this!" and the first guy climbs carefully out the window and hold onto the sash for dear life, while the rest of his body is just floating in the wind.
When he comes back inside, the second man is astounded. He's still not about to try it, but he's willing to admit it's pretty, damn cool.
After a few more drinks the first guy starts egging him on again, "you really gotta try it. Best rush you'll ever feel. Here, I was just getting used to it the first time. Watch this!"
So, the first guy leaps out the window and just floats there. Then, he turns over and acts like he's doing a backstroke. He dips, he dives, he rides the wind back up and into the window, safe once more.
Finally, the second guy is so intrigued he HAS to try it. He knocks back one more shot, rolls up his sleeves (for some reason) and jumps out the window, falling 110 stories to his grisly, gruesome death.
Back up at the bar, the bartender looks over at guy number one and say, "You know something, Superman? You're a real dick when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axu1uh/two_guys_are_drinking_at_a_penthouse_bar_at_the/
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A drunk man is sitting on a bar stool.

He leans over and asks the guy on his left, “did you shpill your drink on me?”  The guy says “no I did not.”  He then leans over and asks the guy on his right, “did you shpill your drink on me?”  “No, I certainly did not.”
“Then I guess it must have been an inside job.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axtwl8/a_drunk_man_is_sitting_on_a_bar_stool/
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What did the cannibal say when he was eating the College Professor's nuts?

Mmm. Academia!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axtqv1/what_did_the_cannibal_say_when_he_was_eating_the/
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Neighbor in my apartment was banging on my door at three in the morning.

Good thing I was up playing my drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axtlmp/neighbor_in_my_apartment_was_banging_on_my_door/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axtirr/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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If I’m holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axthy3/if_im_holding_a_cricket_ball_in_each_hand_what_do/
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How do the French study the skeleton?

They take your Bonaparte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axthpp/how_do_the_french_study_the_skeleton/
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The most beautiful woman I've ever seen came up to my table in a restaurant and asked me if I'm single...

I happily replied,
"Yess..."
She took away the extra chair in front of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axtgz8/the_most_beautiful_woman_ive_ever_seen_came_up_to/
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The Catholic Church has done a lot for the youth

It touches children around the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axtgsd/the_catholic_church_has_done_a_lot_for_the_youth/
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Did you hear about the battery salesman?

He charged too much but got positive reviews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axtfx6/did_you_hear_about_the_battery_salesman/
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What’s Thanos’ favourite holiday?

Ash Wednesday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axtfps/whats_thanos_favourite_holiday/
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Her: I'm leaving you because you're too cocky.

Him: Close the door on your way back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axten2/her_im_leaving_you_because_youre_too_cocky/
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They don't do reverse cowgirl in Alabama...

You never turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axtbze/they_dont_do_reverse_cowgirl_in_alabama/
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A man goes to a strip club with an alligator.

He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axtab4/a_man_goes_to_a_strip_club_with_an_alligator/
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Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.  Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.  He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!"  "While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!"
“It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely be your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver!
She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...
The doctor snickered and said,
"I'm just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axt873/bob_was_at_the_country_club_for_his_weekly_round/
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Florida highway maintenance crew

working on a road.  All of a sudden, a worker grabs a shovel and beats the hell out of a turtle alongside the road.
"What the hell did you do that for?" cried one worker.
"Than son-of-a-bitch has been following us all day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axt6ta/florida_highway_maintenance_crew/
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Long.

A bloke was playing golf one day and he got lost.
He saw a young lady playing up ahead of him and went over to her and said, "Can you please help me? I don't know what hole I'm on"
She told him, "You are one hole behind me, I'm on 7 and you are on 6"
He thanked her and carried on playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same woman and went over to her again, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on?"
She told him "You are one hole behind me, I'm on 14 and you are on 13"
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse.
He went over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.
She accepted.
As they were drinking and chatting he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales"
He replied "No kidding so am I, what do you sell?"
She said It's too embarrassing to tell.
But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she"d tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, "I sell tampons"
The bloke immediately fell to the floor laughing his socks off.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh!"
He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it... I sell toilet paper, I"m still one hole behind you"!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axt5p6/long/
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I recently watched a documentary about how ships are put together

It was riveting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axt2d6/i_recently_watched_a_documentary_about_how_ships/
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A piece of string walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.”
Hearing that, the piece of string walks out, parts its hair, ties it up, combs it, and walks back into the bar.
The bartender asks, “Didn’t you just walk in here?”
The piece of string says, “I’m a frayed knot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axsz6u/a_piece_of_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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I hate Russian dolls

They're  full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axsyjh/i_hate_russian_dolls/
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Whats the definition of a will?

come on guys, its a dead giveaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axsurk/whats_the_definition_of_a_will/
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A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one.

Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. "Whew," said the man, "thank God!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axsqk0/a_man_needed_a_horse_so_he_went_to_a_temple_and/
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When i was growing up, i was so poor

That if I didn't wake up with an erection, I'd have nothing to play with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axsn1n/when_i_was_growing_up_i_was_so_poor/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man...

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axskp2/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
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IT REALLY BREAKS MY HEART....

This event earlier this day reminds me of the man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axsj1u/it_really_breaks_my_heart/
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How do you tell if your roommates gay?

His dick tastes like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axsihg/how_do_you_tell_if_your_roommates_gay/
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Why is pumice asking for money?

It is the porous rock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axsgex/why_is_pumice_asking_for_money/
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What's the difference between a radish and a beet?

My dad never radished the hell out of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axsa8j/whats_the_difference_between_a_radish_and_a_beet/
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A panda walks into a bar.

He gobbles up all of the beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it into the air, and heads for the door.
"Hey!" shouts the bartender. But the panda shouts back and says, "I'm a panda! Google me!"
Sure enough panda:  “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axs8nh/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did the bathroom bartender say when he handed me my drink?

Urine for a surprise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axs6i2/what_did_the_bathroom_bartender_say_when_he/
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After a long discussion about our future, my partner and I decided to name our first born ‘No Pun’.

That way they’ll certainly be aware that they weren’t intended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axs2ct/after_a_long_discussion_about_our_future_my/
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I'm looking for the man who wears a paper towel as a hat...

...he has a bounty on his head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axrx8o/im_looking_for_the_man_who_wears_a_paper_towel_as/
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I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting...

I wonder what she's up to now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axrr16/i_left_my_exgirlfriend_because_of_her_obsession/
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What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his clothes?

Ble-otch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axrqni/what_does_snoop_dogg_use_to_clean_his_clothes/
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What direction did Mr. Bread go?

Yeast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axrmtc/what_direction_did_mr_bread_go/
%
There aren't a lot of advantages to people who live in Switzerland.

However, the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axrka2/there_arent_a_lot_of_advantages_to_people_who/
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A whale walks into a bar...

The bartender immediately stops the whale as he enters. Holding both hands up, the bartender begins shouting,
"Woah, woah there, whale! What are you doing here?! This is a bar! This is no place for whales!"
The bartender notices this upright whale is wearing a top hat and carrying a Scooby Doo lunchbox.
"How are you even walking on your fins? Don't you know you belong in the ocean, swimming? Like, I get it, whales are mammals so you can breathe air but don't you need to be wet? Won't you dry out on land?"
Becoming more and more flabbergasted, the bartender continues,
"Besides, why is a whale wearing a top hat? You're not wearing pants or a shirt. I get that animals don't need to wear clothes but now that you're wearing a hat and nothing else, it seems obscene. Wear a whole outfit or wear nothing at all! Besides, who brings a lunchbox to a bar? I get that whales typically eat plankton or some shit but we serve food here, you can't bring outside food, that's standard for any bar! And do you even have money? Do you know how much alcohol it'll take to get you drunk? You must weigh five tons! I don't even know if there is enough alcohol in this bar! This is all very odd to me, a whale standing upright coming into a bar?!?! Do you intend to drink us out of business!?!?.....Well, whale, what do you have to save for yourself!?!?"
The whale replies in the deepest of baritons, "Whuauauaua..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axrib5/a_whale_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why was 10 traumatized?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axrhyd/why_was_10_traumatized/
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What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb?

One can’t, but Toucan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axrheo/what_is_the_minimum_amount_of_birds_to_change_a/
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I accidentally dropped my pocket pussy as I was walking home the other day.

Unfortunately, a policeman saw me and gave me a $350 fine for clittering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axrals/i_accidentally_dropped_my_pocket_pussy_as_i_was/
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All girls get really wet if they see me

And I only have 5 charges for public urination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axr5mr/all_girls_get_really_wet_if_they_see_me/
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I’m a man of my word

And that word is “unreliable”
-Demetri Martin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axr496/im_a_man_of_my_word/
%
Father & Son

A father sends his kid to bed.
Five minutes later, the boy screams:
Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says:
"No. You had your chance."
A minute later the boy screams:
"Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says:
"No. You had your chance. Next time you ask, I'll come up there and spank you."
Dad! When you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass or water?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axr0fx/father_son/
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What's the difference between an engineer and god?

God doesn't think he is an engineer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axqwdl/whats_the_difference_between_an_engineer_and_god/
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Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axqs2u/given_that_a_radiator_is_essentially_a_vital/
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This German Shepherd comes to take a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axqqv8/this_german_shepherd_comes_to_take_a_shit_on_my/
%
Donald Trump promised a wall, but he keeps changing what this wall comprises.

He seems to be on the fence about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axqemw/donald_trump_promised_a_wall_but_he_keeps/
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Did you hear about the blueprints for Giza?

Don’t trust them. All looks like one big pyramid scheme to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axqdbj/did_you_hear_about_the_blueprints_for_giza/
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Why don't antelopes play poker in the African grasslands?

Too many cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axq4nm/why_dont_antelopes_play_poker_in_the_african/
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After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order.

That sail has shipped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axpw6u/after_buying_a_new_sail_for_my_boat_amazon_told/
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What do chickens work on in the gym?...

...Their pecks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axps40/what_do_chickens_work_on_in_the_gym/
%
If you could have sex with any dead celebrity, who would it be?

I'd choose Brittany Murphy because she'd still be relatively fresh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axprl3/if_you_could_have_sex_with_any_dead_celebrity_who/
%
A homeless man walks into a cafe and asks for a cup of coffee.

The barista, taken aback by his appearance, tells him that he needs to pay for that coffee.
“How about this.”
and then he pulled a frog out of his pocket that started to beautifully play the piano.
The barista is amazed and offers him a cup of coffee on the house.
After a while, the hobo finishes his coffee and asks for another.
“No, you pay...
unless you have another miracle to show us.”
The hobo promptly pulls out a gerbil that begins to sing the current pop song perfectly. Immediately after a man sitting next to him says
“I’ll buy that gerbil for one thousand bucks!”
The hobo agrees and the man leaves with his new pet, much to the dismay of the barista.
“How could you take that deal! That gerbil is worth millions!”
The hobo stops drinking his coffee and says: “you see, the frog is also a ventriloquist.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axpqh9/a_homeless_man_walks_into_a_cafe_and_asks_for_a/
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Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"

Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axppp1/interviewer_in_your_cv_you_wrote_that_you_can/
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Everybody knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axpp9a/everybody_knows_dave/
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I have the body of a god:

Sadly, it's Buddha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axponf/i_have_the_body_of_a_god/
%
A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.
Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...
"Want to make a bet while we wait?" The Gambler asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you."
The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks.
"Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line.
Next, the gambler taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts.
"This one's easy!" the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!"
Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line.
Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made.
"Okay, let's see..." The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He's a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes.
The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. "You ain't taking me alive!"
The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with.
The gambler holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "Fuck the police!"
Wrong again. The gambler's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before.
Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!"
The man steps aside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axploo/a_professional_gambler_wins_big_and_dies_of_an/
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My mom always makes the pancakes too thin

I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axpjd8/my_mom_always_makes_the_pancakes_too_thin/
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Candles...

Why do candles love cake so much?
Simple, they just want to get lit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axpigi/candles/
%
Snake joke

First snake: I hope I’m not poisonous.
Second snake: Why?
First snake: Because I bit my lip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axpe29/snake_joke/
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What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

I don’t know. And I don’t care either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axpcks/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
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I was trying to get storm insurance for my campsite, but the company refused.

They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axp6w1/i_was_trying_to_get_storm_insurance_for_my/
%
What car does a cow drive?

A cattliac!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axp6mu/what_car_does_a_cow_drive/
%
“No, Donald, I didn’t break up with her because she was silly.

I said ‘I dumped Minnie because she was fucking Goofy.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axp3a9/no_donald_i_didnt_break_up_with_her_because_she/
%
4 men sit anxiously outside the maternity unit ...

... as they await news on their wives' who are having babies
The English one says, "My first son was born on St George's Day, so I named him George."
The Scotsman added, "My first son was born on St Andrew's Day, and I decided to name him Andrew."
The Welshman said, "My boy was born on St David's Day, and I just had to call him David!"
The Irishman spoke up, "Ah, sure, it was just the same with our Pancake!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axozwa/4_men_sit_anxiously_outside_the_maternity_unit/
%
A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm...

A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm.
He loudly proclaims, "This is the pig I used to fuck."
The wife says, "That's not a pig, it's a lamb."
The man replies, "I wasn't speaking to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axox99/a_guy_walks_up_to_his_wife_with_a_lamb_under_his/
%
To whoever took my anti-depressants

I hope you're happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axowtl/to_whoever_took_my_antidepressants/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the Fresh Prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axov3p/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
Remember when talking about plastic surgery was considered a forbidden subject?

Now you can talk about Botox at a restaurant, and nobody will raise an eyebrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axou2o/remember_when_talking_about_plastic_surgery_was/
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I heard about people using cedar instead of silicon for breast implants, but think about if it happened to you, it'd be super weird,

Wooden tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axofke/i_heard_about_people_using_cedar_instead_of/
%
So this guy goes to the pharmacist

"Hello, sir. How can I help you?"
"I'll have a pack of condoms, please."
"That'll be $6.25 please."
The guy hands the pharmacist a $10 bill, saying, "We're good, keep the change." and he walks out with a bis smile on his face.
About an hour later, that same guy comes to the pharmacist again.
"Good afternoon, sir. What may it be?"
"One pack of condoms, please. Let me guess! $6.75?"
"Wrong, it's $6.25."
The pharmacist is handed another $10 bill as the guy says, "Right, I remember now! You know what? Keep the change."
The guy is laughing out loud and waving enthusiastically at the pharmacist as he walks out the door.
"What's so funny about a pack of condoms", the pharmacist asks himself, "I want to know where he's going with those."
And so he asks his assistant to follow the guy around wherever he goes the next time he comes to buy condoms.
Two hours later, the guy comes in again, smiling from ear to ear as he asks for another pack of condoms.
"That'll be another $6.25, or can I keep the change again?" asks the pharmacist, to which the guy answers,
"Of course you can, you and me we're buddies, remember!"
The guy almost falls over from his frantic laughter as he walks out the door, and the pharmacist quickly nods his assistant to go after him.
About ten minutes later, the assistant comes back.
"So, where did he go?"
"Your place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axo8id/so_this_guy_goes_to_the_pharmacist/
%
Two Chameleons walk in a gym.

The first one says “Spot me, bro”
The second goes “Who said that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axo5h5/two_chameleons_walk_in_a_gym/
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My health science teacher told me to write a 1,000 word essay on drugs

The paper became a taco and the floor was melting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axo00r/my_health_science_teacher_told_me_to_write_a_1000/
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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says "Wow! I've never served a weasel before, so what can I get you?"

"Pop" goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axnzo8/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_says_wow/
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The creator of auto-correct died today.

May he rust in piss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axnpu9/the_creator_of_autocorrect_died_today/
%
Once there was a loud mouthed hyena...

He would walk around the savanna mocking all the other animals, even the King himself, the Lion. One day his wife, the Lioness asked him:
"Why do you let that stupid hyena taunt you like that? You are the king. Do something about him."
But he simply responded:
"Let him be. He isn't hurting anyone. Really don't worry about it."
However the Lioness felt like she needed to teach that hyena a lesson so she began to chase him.
The chase went on for miles and eventually the hyena led her to a fallen, hollow tree trunk and went through it. The Lioness tried to follow but got stuck straight away. The hyena then got behind her and started fucking.
Once he had left, she got herself out of the trunk and began to walk home, ashamed. She found her husband waiting for her and he asked:
"He took you to the tree, didn't he?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axnhn6/once_there_was_a_loud_mouthed_hyena/
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drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"
Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."
Me: "still in training, huh?"
Policeman: "What do you mean?"
Me: "nevermind"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axnbbk/drugsniffing_dog/
%
A blonde was touring a farm...

...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"
"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer.  "Some cows are bred to be hornless.  On some cows, the horns come in later.  Sometimes, the horns are removed.  And on some cows, the horns fall off.  That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axn8fd/a_blonde_was_touring_a_farm/
%
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant..

the young lady had been married for  ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on  the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her  seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told
him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens
laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy.
he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."
The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axn54x/a_young_lady_had_just_visited_her_doctor_and_he/
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These days you can't even say "blackboard" anymore.

The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axmvec/these_days_you_cant_even_say_blackboard_anymore/
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A dad bought a lie decting robot

The robot slaps anyone who tells a lie.
The dad decided to test it at the dinner table.
He asks his son:"what did you do today"?
The boy replies:"i was at a friends house doing homework".
The robot slaps him.
The dad asks:"what did you actually do"?
The son says:"we were watching porn".
The dad says:"what? At your age i didnt even know what it was".
The robot slaps the dad.
The mom says:"hes your son alright"!
The robot slaps the mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axmus1/a_dad_bought_a_lie_decting_robot/
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What do you call a "booty call" when the girl makes the call?

A cock ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axmud0/what_do_you_call_a_booty_call_when_the_girl_makes/
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Two drug dealers are caught. They did not resist arrest and they owned up to it right away.

They go to court.
“Ok,” said the judge, “since this is your first offense and you cooperated so well I won’t send you to jail under one condition: you have to get as many kids off drugs as you can. You have he weekend to do it.”
The two of them spilt up and went out to get kids off drugs. The next Monday they returned to court.
“How’d you do?” Asked the judge.
“I got 6 kids off drugs!” Said the first man proudly.
“Impressive! How’d you do it?” Asked the judge.
“I drew a picture of a healthy brain and a picture of a brain on drugs and scared them into quitting.”
“Very good,” said the judge. “And how’d you do?” She asked the other man.
“I got 1,675 kids off drugs.” He responded humbly.
“Very impressive!” Replied the judge. “How’d you do that!”
“Well I drew one small circle and one giant circle. I told the kids the smaller circle is their asshole now and the larger circle is their asshole after going to prison.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axmply/two_drug_dealers_are_caught_they_did_not_resist/
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Why does logan paul never highfive ricegum

He leaves asians hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axmola/why_does_logan_paul_never_highfive_ricegum/
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They tried to hide the yard sale at the cemetery but failed miserably

It was a dead giveaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axmmqo/they_tried_to_hide_the_yard_sale_at_the_cemetery/
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What do you call a fat thot?

Hobese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axmkq8/what_do_you_call_a_fat_thot/
%
Dirty hands are a sign of clean money....

Unless you’re a grave robber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axmhpg/dirty_hands_are_a_sign_of_clean_money/
%
I removed the rubber from the wheels on my car

It is now working tirelessly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axmhdt/i_removed_the_rubber_from_the_wheels_on_my_car/
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A fun joke for the phone

Once bored with the conversation, ask the recipient to help you with a joke
Start off with "what has a small dick that hangs down?"
The typical answer "what??"
"A bat, you know, because it hangs upside down"
"Oh"
"What has a big dick that hangs up?'
"Huh?"
Click.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axmd3d/a_fun_joke_for_the_phone/
%
"Dad, can you help me with my homework?"

"Sure son"
"What are 5 animals that live in the ocean?"
"3 whales and two dolphins"
"Thanks dad"
"Anytime"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axmc19/dad_can_you_help_me_with_my_homework/
%
A man dies and goes to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he say a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That is Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axm80m/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Hitler and his fortuneteller

Hitler once went to a fortune teller and asked her, "On what day will I die?". The fortune teller predicted that Hitler would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?”, Hitler demanded. To which the fortune teller responded “Any day you die, will be a declared a Jewish holiday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axm7ga/hitler_and_his_fortuneteller/
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When I was circumcised they accidentally took a little extra off.

They ended up using it as skin grafts for a pair of twin's eyelids.
Now I'm getting sued by the parents because they're a little cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axm6h0/when_i_was_circumcised_they_accidentally_took_a/
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I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming hot carbs around me, I knew that for now, escape would have to be my mission.
Mission in pasta bowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axm4hs/i_work_as_a_spy_for_the_us_government/
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What is the proper way to tell a red head joke?

Gingerly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axm2uf/what_is_the_proper_way_to_tell_a_red_head_joke/
%
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axm291/did_you_know_that_lsd_is_a_really_effective/
%
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.

‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axlx7p/a_man_was_walking_his_dog_through_a_graveyard/
%
Why is Martin Luther King so bad at laundry?

He won’t separate the whites from the colours…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axlqcx/why_is_martin_luther_king_so_bad_at_laundry/
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What do Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, and Spider-Man all have in common?

They’re more realistic than The Bachelor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axlq1w/what_do_game_of_thrones_the_walking_dead_and/
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The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.
It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit! Bob springs into action; he flips his lights, pulls out, runs the truck down, and pulls him over.
Bob walks up to the window and sees a Hispanic man in the drivers seat.
“Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going? Also where are you headed to?”
“I believe I was doing close to double the speed limit officer. And I’m headed to see me family.” replies the Hispanic man.
“License and registration please” says Bob.
“I do not have them” the Hispanic man admits.
At this point Bob comes to the conclusion that he is most likely dealing with an illegal immigrant. Albeit the holiday season, despite him not wanting to, Bob took an oath to uphold the law thus he is forced to call ICE. Upon arrival they immediately arrest the Hispanic man and he is deported the next day. Bob feels awful.
The next year Bob is once again scheduled to work around the holiday season and is posted at his favorite roadway. Within the first hour a pickup truck flies past him doing easily double the speed limit! Bob immediately turns on his lights, pulls the vehicle over and approaches the drivers window. Much to his surprise it is the same Hispanic man from the year before!
“Do you know why I pulled you over? Also where are you headed?” He asks.
The Hispanic man calmly answers. “I believe I was doing double the allowed limit. I am headed to see me family”
Bob is confused and a tad flustered at this point.
“Sir haven’t we met before? Same time last year? Same circumstances? Have you gotten your citizenship straightened out yet?”
“Yes we have met before. Same time last year under the same circumstances indeed. No I am still not a citizen yet” replies the Hispanic man.
Bob sighs.
He proceeds to call ICE authorities and once more the Hispanic man is arrested and deported the next day. Bob is puzzled.
For the third year in a row Bob the policeman is scheduled to work around the holiday season. Per usual, he is sitting at his favorite roadway when his eyes behold an all too familiar sight. A pickup truck blows past him this time doing triple the allowed limit!
Bob sounds his siren, chases the vehicle down, and pulls it over. He runs up to the window only to see the same exact Hispanic man from both years prior!
Completely bewildered. “Sir this is the third year in a row around the same time of year, under the same circumstances! Surely by now you know I will be sitting here yet you still come through here speeding! If you would just do the speed limit you would be able to see your family in peace!” He exclaims.
“Well, if I don’t drive fast enough then I’m afraid I won’t be able to see them as it is not practical for me to purchase a plane ticket.” The Hispanic man explains.
“Sir, i am sorry but I must contact the authorities once again. I’m afraid you will be arrested and deported for the third year in a row. I hate to do this.” Bob says.
“No, no, it’s quite alright really.” Replies the Hispanic man.
Still very confused, Bob asks. “If you don’t mind my asking, where exactly is it that your family lives that you must drive so fast to get?”
The Hispanic man, with the straightest of faces, looks Bob the policeman dead in his eyes, and smoothly answers.
“Cuba.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axlncx/the_policeman_the_hispanic/
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Kid from The Sixth Sense asked to comment on Game Of Thrones and he described it with one sentence.

"Icey dead people"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axllia/kid_from_the_sixth_sense_asked_to_comment_on_game/
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You should never date a baker.

They’re too kneady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axli11/you_should_never_date_a_baker/
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What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and an owl?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axlb5f/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_a_tuna_and/
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What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axl9zc/what_do_you_call_a_singing_laptop/
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It's my cakeday, so figured I'd tell this joke (game grumps told this joke)

What is a Jedi's Favourite Italian dessert...
OBI WAN CANOLI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axl94d/its_my_cakeday_so_figured_id_tell_this_joke_game/
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After rounds of extensive life saving operations, I asked my nurse if she’d visit me when I finally get out.

She told me she doesn’t like cemeteries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axl8q3/after_rounds_of_extensive_life_saving_operations/
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How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?

I'll have to get back to you on that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axl58s/how_many_marketing_people_does_it_take_to_change/
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A Jewish girl asked for my number...

I told her we use names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axl2s7/a_jewish_girl_asked_for_my_number/
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On the one hand, I don't masturbate often.

On the other hand, I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axkzxh/on_the_one_hand_i_dont_masturbate_often/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun gets triggered for a good reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axkz2n/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
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The wife asked me to go out and get something for the pancakes.

She wasn't impressed when I came back with a bra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axkvcm/the_wife_asked_me_to_go_out_and_get_something_for/
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/u/username hates the hotel room he’s currently staying in.

Username checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axkq3t/uusername_hates_the_hotel_room_hes_currently/
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Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50.

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.
Riceless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axkm4k/chinese_takeout_1500_gas_to_get_there_150/
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axkl16/an_18_year_old_italian_girl_tells_her_mom_that/
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A man comes home drunk...

As he stumbles in trying to be quiet as possible not to wake up the wife...he's too drunk and knocks over a stool startling wife from sleep...
Wife, from bedroom: Bob, is that you? what was that ?
Bob: Oh nothing honey, just a stool. Be right there...
As he stumbles into the bedroom he falls over creating a loud CRASHHH
Wife: Bob? Are you OK? What was that sound???
Bob: Oh its nothing honey,  i was just hanging my shirt and it fell.
Wife: How did your shirt make such a loud sound?
Bob: I was still wearing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axkkzk/a_man_comes_home_drunk/
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Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axkkgs/personally_i_dont_believe_in_bros_before_hoes_or/
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There are people out there who don't know what World of Warcraft and League of Legends are

WoW, LoL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axkjdh/there_are_people_out_there_who_dont_know_what/
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I don't joke about a midget getting head..

Cus that would be a low blow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axkglg/i_dont_joke_about_a_midget_getting_head/
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Eskimo restaurant

I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.
He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.'
I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?'
He said 'Whale meat again.....’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axkg2p/eskimo_restaurant/
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A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night.

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished. "Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axke85/a_statue_of_a_naked_woman_and_a_naked_man_stand/
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What is the difference between intentionally and by mistake?

The presence of a witness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axkaqo/what_is_the_difference_between_intentionally_and/
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I ate a dictionary the other day....

ever since then I've had thesaurus throat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axk92r/i_ate_a_dictionary_the_other_day/
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"Reddit, reddit."

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book." The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word. The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axk8ok/reddit_reddit/
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A black boy walks into the kitchen...

...where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axk5rf/a_black_boy_walks_into_the_kitchen/
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The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the fucking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
It finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?”
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.”
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish??
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear… “No, I Norwegian.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axk2v2/the_italian_lover_a_virile_middle_aged_italian/
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There's this guy who likes to collect donkey remains.

It's a pretty assinine hobby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axk1hq/theres_this_guy_who_likes_to_collect_donkey/
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A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

"Because…He’s my newt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axjydo/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_newt_on_his/
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I have no problem giving credit when credit is due.

But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axjwf8/i_have_no_problem_giving_credit_when_credit_is_due/
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What does an Italian have if he’s born with one arm shorter than the other ?

A speech impediment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axjufv/what_does_an_italian_have_if_hes_born_with_one/
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A 60 year old man goes into a confessional.

The priest says, "What do you want to tell me, my son?" "The man says, "I stopped at a bar for one short drink last night, and met a 20 year-old woman. We hit it off great, and ended up going to her place. We made sweet love for 5 hours, and I had 4 orgasms without going soft-on even once. The only reason we stopped was because she was exhausted and told me she couldn’t go anymore." The priest tells him to say 10 'Hail Marys'. The man says,"Wait, Hail Marys? I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish." So the priest asks, "Then why are you telling me all this?" The man says, "You? Hell, I'm telling everybody!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axjqqo/a_60_year_old_man_goes_into_a_confessional/
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A bar owner decides to make his place a piano bar.

He hires a pianist, buys a baby grand, shuts down the bar and has it redecorated. He talks to one of his friends and says,”Man, I hope this place goes over, I’m kind of worried no one will come.” The friend says, “Well, have a grand opening. Advertise and get the word out.” The bar owner takes his advice, but then the day before opening, his piano player resigns and takes off to Chicago. The barman tells his friend “Oh Jesus, now what!? All that money for refurbishing and advertising, how can I open a piano bar without a pianist.!?” A guy walking by hears him yelling, looks in and says ” Excuse me, did you need a pianist? I’m a piano player, I play really god, and even write my own songs.” The barman asks him to audition. The pianist sits down at the baby grand and starts playing, and it’s a really good song. The barman asks him if he wrote the song and the pianist says that he did. The bar owner asks the name and the pianist says “I call that one ‘Sit on my face, baby’.” The barman is taken aback, but asks him to play another. He plays a really good tune, but then says that the name of it is ‘I stepped in a pile of dog shit’. He plays a few more, and they’re all great, but have foul names. The barman says, “Look, I’ll give you the job on the condition that you never announce the name of your songs.” The pianist agrees, and says he’ll be there for the grand opening. Grand opening night is a great success, the piano player is very popular, and he jokes with the crowd, sips a little wine, really gets everybody into it. At his break he goes into the rest room, and when he comes back, a lady says, “Mister, do you know your zipper’s down and your dick is hanging out?” The pianist smiles and says, “Know it? Hell, I wrote it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axjq19/a_bar_owner_decides_to_make_his_place_a_piano_bar/
%
An englishman, a scotsman, and an irishman are on a plane loaded with cargo....

As the plane's flying, the pilot shouts to them that they'll have to throw some stuff out or they're going to crash. The englishman throws out a load of roses, the Scotsman throw out a load of haggis, and the irishman throws out a bomb.
They manage to land safely and as they're walking away, they see 3 kids. 2 are crying, one's laughing.
They walk up to the first kid and ask why they're crying. "I was just walking along and a load of roses fell on me!"
They walk up to the second kid and ask the same. "I was just walking along and a load of haggis fell on me!"
They walk up to the 3rd kid and ask "Why are you laughing when the others are crying?"
He replies "I farted and a house blew up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axjkvj/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are_on_a/
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My proctologist gets this far away look sometimes; the thousand-yard stare

I think he’s really seen some shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axjga6/my_proctologist_gets_this_far_away_look_sometimes/
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Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axjg44/reporter_excuse_me_may_i_interview_you/
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Do you like jokes about broken tripods?

I can't stand them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axjbw3/do_you_like_jokes_about_broken_tripods/
%
I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it

It's true I saw it with my own eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axj81z/i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_just_by_looking_at_it/
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Imagine the titanic with a lisp

It's unthinkable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axj00j/imagine_the_titanic_with_a_lisp/
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I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had

He started counting but he fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axizm9/i_asked_my_welsh_friend_how_many_sexual_partners/
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I got into an argument with my tailor the other day...

We argued about my choice in clothes and he gave up and said
"Fine, suit yourself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axinoh/i_got_into_an_argument_with_my_tailor_the_other/
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My psychiatrist asked me how do i see myself

Apparently in a Mirror was the wrong answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axin9w/my_psychiatrist_asked_me_how_do_i_see_myself/
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Does anyone know if you can take a skin graft from a donkey and transplant it onto a mate of mine who was burned?

Just ass skin for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aximyt/does_anyone_know_if_you_can_take_a_skin_graft/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axihrg/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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What do you call a pair of drunk ghosts ?

Methalated Spirits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axieth/what_do_you_call_a_pair_of_drunk_ghosts/
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Take your medicine

An old lady walks into the doctor's office and says "doc, I've been farting all the time but they're silent and they don't smell"
The doctor agrees with her, and gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week
She comes back and says "doctor, I don't know what the hell you gave me but now my farts stink like shit"
The doctor says "I see we've fixed your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axicyh/take_your_medicine/
%
It was surprisingly easy to get a job at the zoo as a computer scientist

Probably because I am fluent in Python

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axiajh/it_was_surprisingly_easy_to_get_a_job_at_the_zoo/
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Yeah boobs are nice, but nothing beats a pretty face

Except Chris Brown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axi562/yeah_boobs_are_nice_but_nothing_beats_a_pretty/
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My friend has a habit of taking blurry pictures of himself in the bathroom mirror after taking hot showers...

I thunk he has a high selfie steam problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axi467/my_friend_has_a_habit_of_taking_blurry_pictures/
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There once was a man who really loved tractors

He had tractor everything, shoes, socks, clothes, he drove a tractor everywhere anything he could have tractor theme he had. One day he got a invite to an exclusive tractor fair for three days in a different country. He arrives promptly to airport the first day to catch his flight as he's  waiting for his flight it comes up on the intercom it's cancelled much to his dismay he goes home. The next day he arrived at the airport promptly and waits patiently  for his flight but much to his dissapointment it was yet again cancelled till the next day. The third day he yet again arrived promptly but his flight is cancelled for a third time and he won't be able to make it to the tractor fair. The man was so disappointed by this that he gives up his love for tractors, he sells his tractor shoes, tractor socks, tractors clothes and even his beloved tractor, everything he owns related to tractors is sold. A few months pass and he is out with a friend for dinner when all of a sudden the restaurant goes on fire. Everyone rushes out in panic, everyone but the man he instead goes into to the kitchen and begins breathing in and out the smoke. His friend rushes up to him and screams "what on earth are you doing your going to get yourself killed" the man calmly turns to his a friend replying "no need to worry im an ex-tractor fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axi3y7/there_once_was_a_man_who_really_loved_tractors/
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An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane

. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready, the officer replied.
The Canadian said, "Sir, are you sure? The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
“I’m absolutely sure!”, he shouted. “Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axi2ue/an_elderly_canadian_gentleman_of_83_arrived_in/
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What do you call it when a male physical therapist doesn’t support women?

Massage a knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axi1yx/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_male_physical/
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What do you call a horny fisher

A masterbaiter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axi189/what_do_you_call_a_horny_fisher/
%
Why don't kleptomaniacs get jokes?

They take everything literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axhzzz/why_dont_kleptomaniacs_get_jokes/
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It’s clear why my mom makes so many dad jokes...

She’s transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axhxol/its_clear_why_my_mom_makes_so_many_dad_jokes/
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How do you tell a good farmer from a bad one?

He's out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axhx8o/how_do_you_tell_a_good_farmer_from_a_bad_one/
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Dating Advice

My friend tells me : 'There's this girl at work I like...
I say 'She's way out of your league'
Him - 'You haven't even seen her...'
Me: 'I've seen YOU...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axhx63/dating_advice/
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Don’t eat French fish

It’s poisson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axhuy0/dont_eat_french_fish/
%
How do you sink a French battleship?

Put it in water should do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axhthx/how_do_you_sink_a_french_battleship/
%
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?

They can’t defend the towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axht92/why_are_americans_bad_at_league_of_legends/
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How do you guys like Antarctica?

I often find the answers to be quite polarizing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axhp3y/how_do_you_guys_like_antarctica/
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My dad showed me a 30 slide PowerPoint presentation on safe sex and benefits of condoms...

All the slides were pictures of me and my brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axhmr2/my_dad_showed_me_a_30_slide_powerpoint/
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How come everyone's forgotten about internet explorer?

Because chrome takes up your memory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axhkqp/how_come_everyones_forgotten_about_internet/
%
Three guys are at the bottom of God's 100 steps stairs. He tells them that he will say a joke at every step: if someone laughs, this person goes to hell; if someone gets to the top, he goes to heaven.

The first guy laughs at the 10th step, he goes to hell
The second guy loses at the 51st step, he goes to hell
The last guy starts laughing at the 99th step, before God even said the joke, so God asks him why he laughs and the guy answers:I just understood the first joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axhkm2/three_guys_are_at_the_bottom_of_gods_100_steps/
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I just changed my car engine to France.

Gonna have tons of revolutions now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axhjrz/i_just_changed_my_car_engine_to_france/
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Why was Abraham Lincoln never impeached?

Because he is in-a-cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axhil3/why_was_abraham_lincoln_never_impeached/
%
After the CO2 molecule left the car, it immediately took a nap

it was exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axhh04/after_the_co2_molecule_left_the_car_it/
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Digging a hole

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. “I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
“Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”
“Well, we work for the county government, ” one of the men said.
“But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”
“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us–me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”
“Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean we can’t work, does it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axhbzd/digging_a_hole/
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What did the buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

"Make me one with everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axh90x/what_did_the_buddhist_say_to_the_hotdog_vendor/
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What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?

Both capture the moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axh1p5/what_does_kodak_film_have_in_common_with_condoms/
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A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.
"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.
The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.
"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocket!" his wife exclaims.
She presents a small slip of paper with a woman's name and some digits  on it.
"That?!? Honey it's the name of a horse I'm betting on this weekend! Come on!!"
Defeated, she apologizes and retreats back to the den.
The next day the man gets home from work, and low and behold she lunges at him again as he walks through the door, smacking him left and right even more violently than the day before, shouting obscenities he didn't even know she was capable of.
"Jesus what did I do this time?!?" the man bellows with his arms guarding his face.
"The HORSE called!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axgyrs/a_man_walks_in_through_the_front_door_after_work/
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A FATHER'S LAST REQUEST

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axgybq/a_fathers_last_request/
%
Before John was a traveling salesmen

Before John was a traveling salesman he worked door to door on foot. He actually came from an upper middle class family but had a healthy work ethic and a humble yet dull nature from aristocratic inbreeding a few generations back..
It was his birthday and his eccentric mother had told John he could have only one of the two presents she bought for him and she would return the other. After cake , John was led out to the front of the house where he saw a beautiful new dark blue four door sedan. The other choice was a fine black stallion of superior breeding . John looked carefully at both options then yelled “Gimme the Karma”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axgwgl/before_john_was_a_traveling_salesmen/
%
I wanted to tell a geography joke...

...but you had to be there to understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axgw13/i_wanted_to_tell_a_geography_joke/
%
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axgrjc/how_would_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
%
What do you do when you come across a bear in the woods?

Wipe him off and say you're sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axgqrf/what_do_you_do_when_you_come_across_a_bear_in_the/
%
I surprised my twin today.

You should have seen my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axgq7p/i_surprised_my_twin_today/
%
Why did the PETA member crash his car?

He loved vegetables so much he wanted to become one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axgoqj/why_did_the_peta_member_crash_his_car/
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People give anti-vaxxers a hard time, but they gave us one important thing...

A control group for our studies confirming that vaccines do not cause autism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axgmla/people_give_antivaxxers_a_hard_time_but_they_gave/
%
Cats are a metaphor for Great Britain

They can’t choose between staying in or getting out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axglvp/cats_are_a_metaphor_for_great_britain/
%
Mike Tyson is playing Jeopardy and the clue is "The part of a flower's stamen where pollen is produced".

He's the first to buzz in. Alex Trebek calls on him:
Alex: "Mike?"
Mike: "What is the answer?"
Alex: "You can't ask me, Mike. You have to give me the answer."
Mike: "I am! What is the answer?"
Alex: "You have to give *us* the answer to the clue, Mike, we can't tell you."
Mike: "Listen, Trebek, I'm telling you it's the answer."
Alex: "Mike, I'm not sure you understand the rules of Jeopardy."
Mike: "How many timeth do I have to thay it? What ith the anther?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axgkhk/mike_tyson_is_playing_jeopardy_and_the_clue_is/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axghxn/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
Where did sally go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axgft4/where_did_sally_go_during_the_bombing/
%
A classic one

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Swede are all captured and need to be killed by a firing squad.
The Englishman is the first to go up, and the countdown is given. “3... 2...”but before they can fire, the Englishman yells, “Avalanche!” and all of the firing squad is distracted and then the Englishman escapes.
The Frenchman is next, and the countdown is given. “3....2...” but before they can fire, the Frenchman yells, “Tornado!” and all of the firing squad is distracted and then the Frenchman escapes.
Finally, it’s the Swede’s turn. The countdown is given. “3.....
2....” but before they can say “1” the Swede yells “Fire!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axgf2s/a_classic_one/
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How are the Bermuda Triangle and my wife related?

They both swallow sea men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axg93t/how_are_the_bermuda_triangle_and_my_wife_related/
%
Why does the new French navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the old French navy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axg7wg/why_does_the_new_french_navy_have_glass_bottom/
%
Racecar

backwards is racecar,
but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axg7li/racecar/
%
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

To view the battlefield.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axg5op/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_view_mirrors/
%
My puns are so bad

you'll puns me in my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axg45q/my_puns_are_so_bad/
%
I was surprised when my boss told me that our company was bought by a millionaire from Barcelona.

Nobody expects the Spanish acquisition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axg3cr/i_was_surprised_when_my_boss_told_me_that_our/
%
I can’t believe there are not more anti vaxxer wide receivers.

They will catch everything you throw at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axfvsh/i_cant_believe_there_are_not_more_anti_vaxxer/
%
After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name.

Unfortunately Iran was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axftz6/after_world_war_2_france_seriously_considered/
%
What do you call it when feminists take control of a country?

A dickhatership.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axfp1u/what_do_you_call_it_when_feminists_take_control/
%
My girlfriend asked me to hand her some lipstick and I accidentally gave her a glue stick

She still isn’t talking to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axfo9s/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_hand_her_some_lipstick/
%
Did you hear about the recent crime spree in Iran?

The police are investigating several Persians of interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axfi4x/did_you_hear_about_the_recent_crime_spree_in_iran/
%
Why do teenage girls walk in numbers of one, three, five, seven, and nine?

They can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axfayx/why_do_teenage_girls_walk_in_numbers_of_one_three/
%
What’s worse than finding a worm in your Apple?

Finding half of one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axf69b/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead

You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axf46b/one_time_my_math_professor_asked_everyone_in/
%
An FBI agent tells a Montana Rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The old rancher says, "Ok, but don't go into that field over there."

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axf43x/an_fbi_agent_tells_a_montana_rancher_i_need_to/
%
What do you call someone who is obsessed with female superheroes?

A heroine addict.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axf3pu/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_obsessed_with/
%
First thing men look into a women is her heart

That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axf18v/first_thing_men_look_into_a_women_is_her_heart/
%
What do you call a well dressed dwarf that keeps perfect time?

A Metro Gnome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axeyy7/what_do_you_call_a_well_dressed_dwarf_that_keeps/
%
What does Jon Snow do when he gets cold?

He snuggles up to da-near-es Targaryen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axey2e/what_does_jon_snow_do_when_he_gets_cold/
%
How many gears does a french tank have?

6 reverse and 1 for parades

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axelb4/how_many_gears_does_a_french_tank_have/
%
What do you call two rabbis fighting?

Jew-jitsu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axel88/what_do_you_call_two_rabbis_fighting/
%
I like like my coffee like I like my slaves

Free you bigot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axekq7/i_like_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
I survey houses for a living

although the owners prefer to call it "breaking in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axei4x/i_survey_houses_for_a_living/
%
Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.
-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.
One of the people takes a step forward and speaks, seemingly troubled.
-Benevolent Buddha, what more could I possibly do in my next life? I thought I lived and acted to the fullest. Because of my work almost the entirety of the earth's population will never starve.
-My work was also to the extend of my abilities, says the 2nd one. Right now, the world I leave behind enters a revolutionary era were medicines can cure anything, such was my contribution.
-My connections in life pushed all countries into an agreement of indefinite world peace, says the 3rd person.
-I know all of your actions well. But that is still not enough. Here, let me show you a true example of someone who achieved everything that I ask for. They are waiting for the perfect reincarnation.
The three people now both curious and excited follow Buddha to a small building. Their jaws drop when they find just an ordinary person inside. So ordinary that not even a small detail on that person sparks the tiniest interest. Before the Buddha can say anything else they all rush towards him.
-Impossible, yells the 1st person! Such a plain human being! You! What was your work during your earthly life?
-Who? M-me? I only had two part time jobs, nothing else that I can remember. During the morning hours I worked in a small plantation. Fruits and vegetables.
-You're joking! shouts the 2nd person. And the second job?
-Oh...that one was a bit odd. My village had a signboard were people would post their ads, job offers etc. But because the signboard was old, those would sometimes come off. My job was to put them back in their place.
-This is preposterous, yells the 3rd person! How could you possibly have amassed such an amount of karma with just those two insignificant jobs of yours?
-W-well, I don't know what to tell you. But I've really done nothing else, just farming and reposting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axehlb/three_people_die_and_appear_before_buddha/
%
those goddamn stair lifts...

they drive me up the wall every single time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axefqj/those_goddamn_stair_lifts/
%
I can trace most of my problems back to my parents...I'm not sure if they hugged me too much, or too little when I was a kid.

Either way, they should have been wearing clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axee7s/i_can_trace_most_of_my_problems_back_to_my/
%
So, a snake walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, “how did you do that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axealw/so_a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
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I wanted something from my colleague so I asked him - “How busy are you today?”

He replied “As busy as a cucumber in a women’s prison”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axe6dv/i_wanted_something_from_my_colleague_so_i_asked/
%
What's a spanish bow called?

An elbow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axe2y1/whats_a_spanish_bow_called/
%
A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says “there is one this I always wanted to know. “

“Ok, ask away” God said.
“Do vaccines cause autism?” She asked.
“the truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism” God admitted.
The women shakes her head and says “They got to you too, this thing really goes high up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axe1hn/a_lady_died_and_went_to_heaven_upon_seeing_god/
%
In my twenties I would never go to bed with an ugly girl

I would only wake up with them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axdzy6/in_my_twenties_i_would_never_go_to_bed_with_an/
%
What do you call a frog parked illegally?

Toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axdy8e/what_do_you_call_a_frog_parked_illegally/
%
My kids would probably die if I vaccinated them.

That’s why I let the nurse do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axdub4/my_kids_would_probably_die_if_i_vaccinated_them/
%
I went to the doctor because my testicles were turning a greenish-brown color

He said I have Hazelnuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axdtqw/i_went_to_the_doctor_because_my_testicles_were/
%
What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

One could actually finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axdrvd/what_is_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and/
%
Why do blind people hate sky diving

It scares the shit out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axdqxw/why_do_blind_people_hate_sky_diving/
%
I used to hate facial hair.

But then it grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axdmg6/i_used_to_hate_facial_hair/
%
Hellen Keller walks into a bar...

Then a table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axdhu8/hellen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Someone told me I am an imperfect fool.

I feel more like a complete idiot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axdgun/someone_told_me_i_am_an_imperfect_fool/
%
My miniature Siberian dog is gaining weight too fast.

He’s a little Husky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axdazz/my_miniature_siberian_dog_is_gaining_weight_too/
%
I was a bit chilly and my dad told me to go stand in the corner.

The corner is 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axd7xp/i_was_a_bit_chilly_and_my_dad_told_me_to_go_stand/
%
Why was Hellen Keller so bad at driving?

She was a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axd6ao/why_was_hellen_keller_so_bad_at_driving/
%
Why did Obama serve two terms?

Because blacks always get a longer sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axd513/why_did_obama_serve_two_terms/
%
I finally made a machine that can run forever!

"how do you know it will run forever?"
"Because it runs on r/jokes complaining about reposts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axd2ft/i_finally_made_a_machine_that_can_run_forever/
%
Wife: "I'm Pregnant"

Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No you’re not.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axd0qk/wife_im_pregnant/
%
Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?

Because Heinzsight is 20/20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axcycn/why_is_it_good_to_wash_your_eyes_with_ketchup/
%
Welcome to hell!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil.
Devil: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie - you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow. That's awesome.
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean....
Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place.
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No, no way!
Devil: Uh oh you're gonna hate Fridays then...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axcwnv/welcome_to_hell/
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If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian,

Then Soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axcsia/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
%
I’m missing my eye patch.

Please keep an eye out for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axcoz8/im_missing_my_eye_patch/
%
I've been told that my dick tastes like bacon...

But for me, the real story there is that my dog can talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axcmsx/ive_been_told_that_my_dick_tastes_like_bacon/
%
It didn’t take long for my son to learn about lizards.

He understood from the ge-cko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axchjs/it_didnt_take_long_for_my_son_to_learn_about/
%
Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.

I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"
He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axc436/earlier_today_i_saw_a_fish_in_a_hospital_waiting/
%
What’s a Mexicans favorite sport?

Cross country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axbyuf/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
%
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

Micro trans-action

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axbwhw/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_transgender_midgets/
%
A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axbwbg/a_blonde_is_being_interviewed_for_a_job_the/
%
My girlfriend keeps joking she’s addicted to chocolate.

She eats it every chance she gets. I finally got so fed up that I took her downtown to see a homeless junkie. I pointed at him and said, “Now that, see that? Why can’t you be that skinny?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axbw9o/my_girlfriend_keeps_joking_shes_addicted_to/
%
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend ?

He gave her a ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axbrlz/how_did_the_telephone_propose_to_his_girlfriend/
%
Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axbq4e/laziness_is_the_engine_of_progress/
%
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

...and thinks "some asshole's got my pen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axbm85/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
%
Sir, are you Ok?

STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a Question?
TEACHER: Yes!
STUDENT: How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?
TEACHER: I don’t know.
STUDENT:  It’s easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!
TEACHER: Ok, ask.
STUDENT: How do you put a donkey inside the fridge?
TEACHER: It’s easy, you just open the firdge and put it in.
STUDENT: No sir, you just open the fridge take out the elephant and put it in.
TEACHER: Ooh...ok!
STUDENT: Let me ask another one. If all the animals went to the lion’s birthday party, and one animal went missing. Which one would it be?
TEACHER: The lion of course! Because it would eat all the animals.
STUDENT: No sir, it is the donkey because it’s still inside the fridge.
TEACHER: Are you kidding me?
STUDENT: No sir, 1 last question.
TEACHER: Ok!
STUDENT: If there’s a river full of crocodiles  and you wanted to cross, how would you?
TEACHER: There is no way, I would need a boat to cross.
STUDENT: No sir, you just swim and cross it because all animals went to the lion’s birthday party!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axbbzn/sir_are_you_ok/
%
A guy applies for a job at a circus

Manager:"What are your talents?"
Guy:"I can imitate a crow really well!!"
Manager:"Sorry i don't think you can be of use to us"
Guy:"Shit, i was sure i would get the job, well ok then, bye" proceedes to turn around and fly away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axb98t/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_at_a_circus/
%
A nun gets into a taxi...

A nun gets into a taxi and the driver can't take his eyes off her.
Finally, he says, "Sister, I must tell you something but I don’t want to offend you."
She says, "My son, you won’t offend me. I've heard it all after so many years of being a nun."
"Okay," says the driver, "Well I always had this fantasy of kissing a nun."
"Alright, but you must be single and Catholic," says the nun.
"No problem, I'm both!"
"Okay then, so stop the car over there."
He stops and the nun makes his dreams come true with the Mother Teresa of all kisses.
But when they set off again, the driver starts crying.
"I'm sorry Sister, " he says. "I lied. I'm married and I'm Jewish."
"That's okay son," replied the nun. "I'm Steven and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axb61i/a_nun_gets_into_a_taxi/
%
Apparently Germany isn't taking part in attacking Syria.

A world war without germany feels a bit empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axb5iz/apparently_germany_isnt_taking_part_in_attacking/
%
I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint.

She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axb5gb/i_wrote_down_my_bucket_list_on_a_piece_of_paper/
%
Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.
-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.
One of the people takes a step forward and speaks, seemingly troubled.
-Benevolent Buddha, what more could I possibly do in my next life? I thought I lived and acted to the fullest. Because of my work almost the entirety of the earth's population will never starve.
-My work was also to the extend of my abilities, says the 2nd one. Right now, the world I leave behind enters a revolutionary era were medicines can cure anything, such was my contribution.
-My connections in life pushed all countries into an agreement of indefinite world peace, says the 3rd person.
-I know all of your actions well. But that is still not enough. Here, let me show you a true example of someone who achieved everything that I ask for. They are waiting for the perfect reincarnation.
The three people now both curious and excited follow Buddha to a small building. Their jaws drop when they find just an ordinary person inside. So ordinary that not even a small detail on that person sparks the tiniest interest. Before the Buddha can say anything else they all rush towards him.
-Impossible, yells the 1st person! Such a plain human being! You! What was your work during your earthly life?
-Who? M-me? I only had two part time jobs, nothing else that I can remember. During the morning hours I worked in a small plantation. Fruits and vegetables.
-You're joking! shouts the 2nd person. And the second job?
-Oh...that one was a bit odd. My village had a signboard were people would post their ads, job offers etc. But because the signboard was old, those would sometimes come off. My job was to put them back in their place.
-This is preposterous, yells the 3rd person! How could you possibly have amassed such an amount of karma with just those two insignificant jobs of yours?
-W-well, I don't know what to tell you. But I've really done nothing else, just farming and reposting.
(edit: obligatory editted thanks to the kind people who handed over silver & gold to my stupid joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axb59h/three_people_die_and_appear_before_buddha/
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Luke Perry tributes to begin

in 9...0...2...1...0...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axb2yo/luke_perry_tributes_to_begin/
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Did I ever tell you the one about pornstar?

Its okay it sucks anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axaxfj/did_i_ever_tell_you_the_one_about_pornstar/
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All the kids had a name

except

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axat0q/all_the_kids_had_a_name/
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Long

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axaslk/long/
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axadaa/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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A newlywed couple were renovating their new house.

When they came to do the kitchen, they couldn’t decide on which sink to choose. There were loads of nice looking models in the catalogue, and there were quite a few that matched the other decor.
One day, they were in the kitchen trying to finally decide on which one to choose. All of a sudden, a Hispanic man smashed through the window and started screaming that they had to choose the Waterbasin model.
The wife fainted from shock, and the man simply stood there with his jaw on the floor, too surprised to do anything.
Nobody expects the Spanish Sink Decision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axa9hn/a_newlywed_couple_were_renovating_their_new_house/
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Will glass coffins ever be popular?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axa27i/will_glass_coffins_ever_be_popular/
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What do you call a gay dinosour?

Megasoreass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/axa0eu/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosour/
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Some bar jokes

A snail crawls into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve your kind and tosses the snail out on the curb. 3 years later same snail crawls in and says "What the hell  dude"
A Welsh, Englishman and Scot go into a bar and order 3 beers. Each of their glasses has a fly in it. The Englishman tosses away the beer and orders another, the Welsh tosses away the fly and gulps his beer, the Scot picks up the fly and screeches "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
A duck walks into a pub and asks for some nails, the bartender replies there are no nails, the duck leaves. It comes back after sometime repeats the same question, gets the same answer and leaves. This happens 8-9 times before the bartender is livid and says "if you come here once more I'll hammer your head" and the duck leaves. After sometime the duck comes back and asks "Do you have a hammer" Bartender "No" Duck "Ohk so do you have any nails".
A panda walks into a pub orders a sandwich, eats it, takes out a pistol, shoots up the pub and starts to leave. The bartender bravely stops him and says "What the hell", panda "Look me up in the dictionary". The bartender does so and it says "Panda, a bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves"
A blind man walks into a bar and tells the bartender. Would you give me a free drink if I told you a blonde joke. The bartender says, "Sir, I am blonde, the two guys to your right you who are police officers are blonde and my good friend to your left who is the head of the motorcycle skulls is also blonde, so do you still want to tell that joke". Man "Naw, I don't want to have to repeat it 4 times".
The heads of Foster, Coors, Budweiser and Guiness walk into a pub, and they have this habit of one upping each other, the bartender knows this and serves them appropriately for the tips. Foster head "Give me a big glass of the coolest beer in town". Coors "Give me a tall glass of the best beer in town". Budweiser "Give me a huge glass of the smoothest beer in town". Guiness "Give me a small glass of coke". The others look incredulous. Guiness head says "Well if you guys aren't drinking beer I won't either".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax9ybk/some_bar_jokes/
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I would tell you a joke about my sink...

..but its not clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax9x42/i_would_tell_you_a_joke_about_my_sink/
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Hitler: *tries to attack Russia* Stalin: “If he’s going to attack our nation...

Then Soviet”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax9v33/hitler_tries_to_attack_russia_stalin_if_hes_going/
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A photon

checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, “Can I help you with your luggage?” It replies, “I don’t have any, I’m traveling light.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax9tzr/a_photon/
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During a beautiful sunrise a man was walking his dog through a cemetery

He came across a man crouched behind a gravestone.
"Morning" he said.
The crouching man replied "Oh no, just having a shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax9tp0/during_a_beautiful_sunrise_a_man_was_walking_his/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Association of Dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax9suf/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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What does a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

Both have to smell it, and neither one can eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax9p1a/what_does_a_pizza_delivery_guy_and_a_gynecologist/
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I like my whisky like I like my women

18 years old and mixed up with coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax9i0s/i_like_my_whisky_like_i_like_my_women/
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I made a program to generate puns, but I stored them in the wrong type of variable

No pun int. Ended

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax9ck9/i_made_a_program_to_generate_puns_but_i_stored/
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iPhone users, don’t bother sending the “Meteor” emoji to your Android friends...

...It won’t have the same impact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax9b53/iphone_users_dont_bother_sending_the_meteor_emoji/
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A joke on procrastination......

....coming soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax99ga/a_joke_on_procrastination/
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On a room full of doctors, how do you find the gynecologist?

It's easy. It's the one with the watch on his elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax96qm/on_a_room_full_of_doctors_how_do_you_find_the/
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Don't you hate it when someone answers their own question?

I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax96bw/dont_you_hate_it_when_someone_answers_their_own/
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Little Johnny overheard a couple of girls in school

The kids were whispering "Purple flowers, purple flowers," and giggling. Curious what this meant, Johnny asked his friend.
"Jimmy, what does purple flowers mean?" Johnny asked.
Little Jimmy looked at Johnny in horror and said "I'm not gonna be friends with someone who says stuff like that!" and ran away from Johnny.
Johnny next asked the teacher "Teacher, what does purple flowers mean?" The teacher looks at Johnny, mortified, and says, "I won't have kids saying that kind of language in my class. Go to the principal!"
Johnny heads to the principal's office and asked, "Miss, what does purple flowers mean?" The principal replies with, "You are expelled, I won't have any students in my school speaking that kind of language!"
Johnny head to the bus stop, and once he gets on, he asks the bus driver, "Mister, what does purple flowers mean?" The bus driver pushes Johnny off the bus, and says, "I won't have your cussing in my bus!"
Johnny walks all the way home, and after he gets there, he tells his parents he got expelled. His parents ask why, promising not to get too angry, and to let him off with a warning. "Well, I asked the teacher what purple flowers means." Johnny's mother faints from her son's foul language, and in anger, the father says, "Get out, no son of mine will say such terrible things!"
Johnny heads to the homeless shelter, planning to ask the homeless people about you-know-what, but they were all passed out and drunk. He goes to the owner of the homeless shelter, who's standards were pretty low, and asked if he knew what purple flowers meant. The guy says no, but the old man who didn't give a shit about what people said might know. Then he tells Johnny to get the fuck out, because his language is a "bad influence" on the homeless people.
Johnny goes to the old man, and knocks on his door. A short, grumpy guy with little hair and a lot of beard answers the door. Johnny says "Excuse me sir, do you know what purple flowers means?" The man says no, but the old lady who lives in a house faraway might know.
Johnny, who's lost everything at this point, decides to go to this old lady's house, which was quite a distance away from the town he grew up in. Taking nothing but his wit and the clothes on his back, he started his journey. He crossed deserts with scorching heat and freezing nights, oceans teeming with hostile life, grassy plains and jungles full of Savage natives, going the route told to him by the old geezer. He had to prove that he was worthy to the savages by chopping off the genitals of an endangered species of pink panther in the Amazon. He crossed the vast Atlantic in a raft made from old Gatorade bottles he found on the beach. During his time at sea he was attacked by a rare blue footed booby, which was inexplicably in the middle of the Atlantic. He lost his foot to the monsterous boobies. He went to Egypt, where he killed a 100 year old vampire with the ability to stop time. He nourished himself with nothing but sand and spit. He grew into his teens, and then his 20's, until he finally reached West City (which was in the east of Egypt) to the lady's house, which was the southern area of northern Cario. The lady's house was just in front of him.
Johnny, exhausted, limped across the road. He's so tired he doesn't notice the massive moving van coming directly at him. He has time to see the driver. It was Jimmy, his childhood friend, in a moving company's uniform. In his shirt pocket was a beautiful purple flower. It was the last sight Johnny would ever see. The blood that got smeared on the front of the van and in the road never went away.
Well, I think we can all learn a very valuable lesson from Johnny's demise; that is, look both ways before crossing the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax95ks/little_johnny_overheard_a_couple_of_girls_in/
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I hate spelling errors.

You mix up two letters and your entire text is urined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax93yc/i_hate_spelling_errors/
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In Jamaica, it costs £3.00 for a pie. In the Bahamas, it costs £2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax923q/in_jamaica_it_costs_300_for_a_pie_in_the_bahamas/
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Dave asked Abdul how many sexual partners he'd had.

Abdul started counting and fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax91p8/dave_asked_abdul_how_many_sexual_partners_hed_had/
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Good Knight

Who was King Arthur’s roundest knight?
Sir cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax91ae/good_knight/
%
Sinks can't open doors

Let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax8yxj/sinks_cant_open_doors/
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What do you call an adult that abuses animals and wants to be in a relationship with a child?

A PETA-phile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax8tu3/what_do_you_call_an_adult_that_abuses_animals_and/
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EA walks into a bar.

Unlock the punchline for $9.99.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax8sgr/ea_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a fear of spiders and sex?

Erect-nophobia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax8p9y/what_do_you_call_a_fear_of_spiders_and_sex/
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Why should you never give an obese person a hard time?

They already have enough on their plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax8p7j/why_should_you_never_give_an_obese_person_a_hard/
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What doesn’t eat but still survives?

African children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax8p62/what_doesnt_eat_but_still_survives/
%
A man arrives at the front door of a brothel, a woman answers and notices the man has no arms or legs. The woman says "what are we supposed to do with you?"

The man replies "I rang the doorbell didn't I?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax8nyx/a_man_arrives_at_the_front_door_of_a_brothel_a/
%
When you get a spray tan for Hannukah

you make orange Jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax8hxm/when_you_get_a_spray_tan_for_hannukah/
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An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last
week," she replied. "Now you have to
remove them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax8h23/an_old_woman_walked_into_a_dentists_office_took/
%
Simple joke.

Why did the slave go to college?
To go and get his master's degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax8grq/simple_joke/
%
Me: this milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: thank you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax8eoy/me_this_milk_tastes_funny/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax8394/knock_knock/
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One day, the emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and approached him, the emperor pulled out a box and opened it, and from it flew out a single fruit fly. Without hesitation, the Japanese samurai whips out his sword, shouts his battle cry and cuts the fly into two perfect halves. Impressed the emperor sends this samurai off.
Next, the emperor brings in the Chinese samurai. Again, as the samurai approaches, he opens the fly box. The Chinese samurai swings his sword and two perfect halves fall to the ground. The emperor, impressed, sends this samurai away.
Finally, it comes time for the Jewish samurai. As the samurai approaches, the emperor sets the fly free. Without hesitation, the Jewish samurai swings his sword but instead of the fly falling to the ground, it lets out an "eep!" and flies away. The emperor bursts into laughter and asks "you can't even kill a fly, why should I hire you?" The Jewish samurai looks him dead in the eye and replies "kill shmill... You try circumsizing something that small!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax81cd/one_day_the_emperor_decided_he_wanted_to_find_the/
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How do you spice up your love life and make it unforgettable?

A few drops of Tabasco should do the trick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax81b6/how_do_you_spice_up_your_love_life_and_make_it/
%
Met a guy that lives in a fridge the other day...

..he was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax80t6/met_a_guy_that_lives_in_a_fridge_the_other_day/
%
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax7x75/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
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Years ago, I sent ten of my best puns to a pun competition, hoping at least one would win...

... but no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax7wio/years_ago_i_sent_ten_of_my_best_puns_to_a_pun/
%
During our breakup, my ex said that my ego was way too big

But I think it’s one of the things that makes me so great

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax7uld/during_our_breakup_my_ex_said_that_my_ego_was_way/
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My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"...

I said: "No it doesn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax7qt6/my_friend_says_to_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
I don’t really like flat Earthers

They’re too edgy.
Someone probably came up with it before me, but I thought it was worth a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax7opi/i_dont_really_like_flat_earthers/
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Today I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax7oev/today_i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows/
%
Dear math,

Solve your own problems

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax7l3p/dear_math/
%
A man is asked to speak at his best friend's funeral.

He walks up to the front of the church and stands in front of the casket. Overcome with emotion, he pauses, and then says, "Plethora . . . plethora." After that he goes back into the pews and sits next to the deceased man's widow. She leans over and says to the guy, "Thanks. That means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax7jdz/a_man_is_asked_to_speak_at_his_best_friends/
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Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town?

They have no body to go out with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax7fxw/why_dont_skeletons_ever_go_out_on_the_town/
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How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax7fiq/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I once found a Catholic russian.

I told him that was very unorthodox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax7enl/i_once_found_a_catholic_russian/
%
Did you hear about the waiter who became a manager?

He worked his way up the food chain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax7ejm/did_you_hear_about_the_waiter_who_became_a_manager/
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One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody.

Unless you're in prison. That's the worst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax7efr/one_of_the_most_wonderful_things_in_life_is_to/
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A man and his wife were at a baseball game a couple of States over.

The man after buying her a bag of peanuts realized he had no more money for a hotel room or gas to get home.
He looks at his wife and says, " I have no money, your going to have to sell your body tonight in order for us to get home!"
She said, " Alright, I'll be back in 3 hours."
Three hours go by and she returns with $325 and 25 cents.
Her Husband goes, "Whose the sick bastard who gave you 25 cents?"
She simply replies, "All of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax79vs/a_man_and_his_wife_were_at_a_baseball_game_a/
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Officer, where did the hacker go?

I don’t know, he ransomware

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax78ad/officer_where_did_the_hacker_go/
%
An old man is worried that his wife is starting to go deaf.

The old man goes to the doctor and says, "My wife can't hear very well anymore and I'm getting worried. What should I do to help her?"
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "First we need to understand how serious the problem is. Stand 25 feet away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, walk 5 ft closer and ask again. Repeat this until she can hear you and then let me know how far away you were standing."
The man is so concerned for his wife that he agrees to do what the doctor suggested. When he gets home, he sees his wife cooking in the kitchen. He stands 25 feet from his wife and says, "What's for dinner?"
The wife does not answer and he walks closer, "What's for dinner?"
The man does this 2 more times until he is standing only 5 feet from his wife. The man is now very worried and tries one last time, "What's for dinner?"
The wife looks over and yells at him, "THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME I'M TELLING YOU, WE'RE HAVING LASAGNA!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax77cr/an_old_man_is_worried_that_his_wife_is_starting/
%
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree...

... I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax76nn/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree/
%
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy, one cold, blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend, who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day, the boyfriend was again riding with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned, the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax763l/an_amish_woman_and_her_daughter_were_riding_in_an/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax753c/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
%
Have you ever had sex while camping?

It’s fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax745e/have_you_ever_had_sex_while_camping/
%
I would not say that i am ugly

But women have sex with me because it can be deducted on the taxes as charity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax73y1/i_would_not_say_that_i_am_ugly/
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You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread

Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax72m4/you_are_like_the_end_piece_of_a_loaf_of_bread/
%
What'd you call a marker that smokes weed?

A highlighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax71uo/whatd_you_call_a_marker_that_smokes_weed/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women...

Full of whiskey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax719w/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax70y7/they_say_theres_a_person_capable_of_murder_in/
%
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says “uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax70r3/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
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My wife recently asked me: "Hypothetically speaking, if you could have sex with any person in the world, whether real or fictional, who would you choose?"

Apparently, 'Karen' was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6zi8/my_wife_recently_asked_me_hypothetically_speaking/
%
I had sex with a really overweight shemale recently and haven't felt well since.

Seems like trans fats are bad for you after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6z95/i_had_sex_with_a_really_overweight_shemale/
%
What is the best way to download a YouTube video?

Screenshot each second and play it on PowerPoint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6xfn/what_is_the_best_way_to_download_a_youtube_video/
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I don’t remember where I stole this joke from...

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None, because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6rw8/i_dont_remember_where_i_stole_this_joke_from/
%
Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6qna/today_a_girl_kissed_me/
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A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'
'Not that many!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6lpy/a_roman_soldier_is_bragging_to_his_friend_youll/
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A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"
The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed.
"I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out."
The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?"
"Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman
"Yes." replies the fish.
"Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?"
"Yes."
"And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?"
"Yes."
"Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6loz/a_german_a_frenchman_and_an_englishman_go_fishing/
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My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6l3z/my_friend_was_upset_that_he_was_passed_over_for/
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I told myself I should stop drinking.

But I am not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6l07/i_told_myself_i_should_stop_drinking/
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I want you to know that someone cares!

Not me, but someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6jn9/i_want_you_to_know_that_someone_cares/
%
If smoking marijuana causes short term memory loss,

what does smoking marijuana do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6ji6/if_smoking_marijuana_causes_short_term_memory_loss/
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Scientists now think cats originated on Mars. NASA was set to retrieve a specimen confirming this,

...but curiosity killed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6i53/scientists_now_think_cats_originated_on_mars_nasa/
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When I was younger my parents used to play hide and seek with me.

It's been 30 years and I still haven't found my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6hgk/when_i_was_younger_my_parents_used_to_play_hide/
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A guy walks into a bar and sees this hot girl

Guy: Hey there, would you like to hear a joke about my penis?
Girl: Ok, tell me!?
Guy: Let it be, it's really long!
Girl: Hey, do you want to hear a joke about my vagina?
Guy: Yeah, tell me
Girl: Forget it, you'll never get it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6fvn/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_this_hot_girl/
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What do you call a bear with no ears?

A B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6dz2/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_ears/
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The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6cjm/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
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My favourite joke: Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6b4k/my_favourite_joke_dave/
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My friend went on a gap year travelling, and it's all he ever talks about. It's gotten to the point where I can't even discuss my problems with him anymore...

All he ever says is: "Oh, I've been there before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax6agg/my_friend_went_on_a_gap_year_travelling_and_its/
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I told my daughter to be sensible before her eighteenth birthday party.

She said, "You are only eighteen once!"
I said, "No...you're eighteen 365 times, unless it's a leap year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax68rm/i_told_my_daughter_to_be_sensible_before_her/
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A Chinese kid begs her mother: "Mom I want a puppy!"

Mom checks the oven and replies: "It's not done yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax67rq/a_chinese_kid_begs_her_mother_mom_i_want_a_puppy/
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Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment.

I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax66hi/thank_you_true_crime_for_saying_that_was_a/
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The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again

so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax668i/the_cost_of_living_has_gotten_so_high_that_my/
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Paddy is plowing his field with a steamroller.

Seamus comes up to him and says "Paddy, you don't plow a field with a steamroller you stupid bastard".
Paddy stops mid-field, looking at Seamus in disbelief.
Finally, Paddy says: "I'm growing mashed potatoes, you thick cunt".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax5ymx/paddy_is_plowing_his_field_with_a_steamroller/
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Why can’t blind people skydive?

It really scares the crap outta their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax5tf9/why_cant_blind_people_skydive/
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“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”

Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic.
Dad: Never said I was a good one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax5t9v/son_in_iraq_i_killed_15_people/
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I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax5sz7/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax5ruf/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
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My buddy jokingly asked me, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?"

I said, "No man, that would just make us even."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax5q5b/my_buddy_jokingly_asked_me_if_i_shagged_your_wife/
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Darling! – Wife grumbles, - I noticed that whenever you see a pretty woman, you forget that you are married!

Just the opposite, - Husband sighs, - Just the opposite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax5n2j/darling_wife_grumbles_i_noticed_that_whenever_you/
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What do you call a fish with no eyes

It's still called a fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax5fst/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
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An old bloke woke up, to celebrate 92nd birthday...

He spoke to his toes. He said, “Hello toes! How are you? You know, you're 92 today.  Oh the times we’ve had!  Remember we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon?  The times we waltzed on the dance floor?  Happy Birthday, toes!”
“Hello, knees,” he continued.  “How are you? You know you’re 92 today. Oh, the  times we’ve had!  Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we’ve  jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees.”
Then, he looked down at his crotch.  “Hello Willie, you little bugger. Just think, if you were alive today, you’d be 92."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax5bcf/an_old_bloke_woke_up_to_celebrate_92nd_birthday/
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How does a buck love a doe?

Deerly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax56fz/how_does_a_buck_love_a_doe/
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Deer walks into a bar

Deer: Darn, where all the does at?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax52n2/deer_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did a big dog say to a naked lady in the bathroom?

Woof woof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax50q4/what_did_a_big_dog_say_to_a_naked_lady_in_the/
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I like my women like how I like my chords

A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax50py/i_like_my_women_like_how_i_like_my_chords/
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What does Tofu and a dildo have in common?

They're both meat substitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax4w71/what_does_tofu_and_a_dildo_have_in_common/
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What do you call a beauty queen with a black eye?

Miss Treatment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax4vb0/what_do_you_call_a_beauty_queen_with_a_black_eye/
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Stop neglecting plants.

It's mistreetment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax4g37/stop_neglecting_plants/
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What do you call it when batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax4f9g/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
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A koala wakes up next to a prostitute...

Without a sound he gets up, makes his way to the door and begins to open it when the prostitute wakes up and sees him.
"Hey, where do you think youre going?" the prostitute asks? She pulls out a dictionary and shows him the definition of prostitute. It says, "a person, in particular a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment."
He says in response, "Look up the definition of koala."
She finds it and begins to read. "a bearlike arboreal Australian marsupial that has thick gray fur and eats shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax4efe/a_koala_wakes_up_next_to_a_prostitute/
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Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: **"I'm just kidding!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax4clo/wife_how_would_you_describe_me/
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How is an FBI interrogation like oral sex?

One slip of your tongue and you'll wind up in shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax4ajr/how_is_an_fbi_interrogation_like_oral_sex/
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A joke is like anal sex...

... it can only hurt you if you're a sensitive asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax4a9o/a_joke_is_like_anal_sex/
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If a blind girl says you have a big penis

She's probably pulling your leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax467l/if_a_blind_girl_says_you_have_a_big_penis/
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My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes nude in her garden.

Personally, I'm on the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax42jv/my_wife_is_furious_at_our_next_door_neighbour_who/
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Airplane holiday

A group of Engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday. Once on the plane the Pilot announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked out and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there calmly. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded "I know the abilities of my students quite well, this crap won't event start"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax4038/airplane_holiday/
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Why did the scarecrow win an award

He was out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax3zmw/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
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Earlier today six dwarfs stole my antidepressants.

Not Happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax3ywh/earlier_today_six_dwarfs_stole_my_antidepressants/
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The opposite of mansplaining is womansplaining. I could explain it to you but...

Have you even listened to a word I said?! I didn't think so! God! Why do I even try with you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax3yqe/the_opposite_of_mansplaining_is_womansplaining_i/
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If brown cake tastes like chocolate and white cake tastes like vanilla, what does yellow cake taste like?

Uranium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax3y53/if_brown_cake_tastes_like_chocolate_and_white/
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TIL that with every breath I take, about 4 people on this planet die.

I wonder if I should try a different toothpaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax3vja/til_that_with_every_breath_i_take_about_4_people/
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Psalm 129

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax3u8w/psalm_129/
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What does the Big Bad Wolf do to get high?

He huffs and he puffs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax3m09/what_does_the_big_bad_wolf_do_to_get_high/
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"Officer, how did the hacker escape?"

"Dunno, he just ransomware"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax3lom/officer_how_did_the_hacker_escape/
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Did you hear the joke about Elton John?

It's a little bit funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax3kpy/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_elton_john/
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There are 3,141,592 parallel universes where I have sex with yo momma..

Strangely enough in every single one of them she’s so fat...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax3i83/there_are_3141592_parallel_universes_where_i_have/
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Will you marry me?

I guess I don't really get it, but she seemed to find it hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax3gnz/will_you_marry_me/
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The gynecologist who became a mechanic!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the
results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax363j/the_gynecologist_who_became_a_mechanic/
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Once upon a time an alien race tried to invade Earth (OC)

Humans were at a loss to protect themselves, then The Doctor  came and and protected Earth. Everyone asked, "Doctor Who?"
There was no answer. Humans moved on and named The Doctor, "Doctor Who".
Once again an Alien race tried to invade earth. Helpless earth chanted "Doctor Who" and The doctor came and saved the day. There was no question. Humans moved on and were grateful to "Doctor Who"
Then one day, another alien race came. This time, in peace. As a token of their affection, they gifted Ipad 20 to earth the first day. On the second day, they gifted Earth Iphone 31, On the third day they gifted Imac 2020, On fourth day they gifted Mac Pro 2021 and so on... A new edition of of future tech products everyday, albeit all from the same brand... The aliens explained that they pulled such devices from the future earth through a time portal. They continued giving such gifts everyday... Even when they invaded earth and the humans having no clue, conceded defeat. All humans had as consolation was a daily stream of new Iphones/Ipads/Imacs etc... now coming from an alternate earth.
But this time there was no Doctor to save earth. Because...
"An Apple A day keeps The Doctor Away".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax31zh/once_upon_a_time_an_alien_race_tried_to_invade/
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Regarding Little Red Riding Hood: Wolves can’t be all bad if they’ll eat your grandmother

Even Grandpa won’t do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax2xnd/regarding_little_red_riding_hood_wolves_cant_be/
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A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf.  Didn’t bring a caddie .  After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her..
“ Sorry, to bother you, but I dont know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, Im in the 6th, so you are one hole behind me”... “Thanks”.....
One hour later, he has decided golf is not his thing, too boring, etc.  Again he gets lost. Can’t find anyone. A few minutes later, he sees the same girl, and asks her
“ Sorry to bother you again. Im new here. I think I got lost, could you tell me where I am?”.... “ Sir, I told you before, you are one hole behind me.  Im on the 13th, you`re on the 12”..  “Thank you so much”......
A third time he gets lost, and he couldn’t believe his luck, when he sees the same girl, this time he was really embarrassed, but he didn’t have any option. He asks,, and she replies..” Im on the 17th . You`re one hole behind me, on the 16th”.......
Finally he finishes his round and decides to go get a drink.  In the clubhouse, he sees the girl, goes up to her, and asks to buy her a drink, for helping him out. She accepted. After a few drinks, he asks her
..” What do you do for a living?”.... “ I’d rather not tell. Its a little embarrassing. Every time I tell my line of work, people start laughing at me”..  “ Don’t worry, you can tell me, Im very respectful. I promise I wont laugh”... After pleading for a while, he finally convinces her to tell, what does she do ..... “ I work selling tampons”... He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.    She said “ You idiot. You promised you wouldn’t laugh “..   “Im sorry, I couldn’t help it. I work selling toilet paper, Im still one hole behind you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax2lrs/a_guy_wins_the_lottery_so_he_decides_to_live_his/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph cause he’s not a full essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax2h8w/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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I saw a guy at the gym propose to his girl and she said no.

That didn't workout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax2fei/i_saw_a_guy_at_the_gym_propose_to_his_girl_and/
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Why can’t Elvis drive his car in reverse?

He’s dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax29s8/why_cant_elvis_drive_his_car_in_reverse/
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Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?

Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax1xko/officer_where_did_the_hacker_escape_to/
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There are two types of people

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax1my3/there_are_two_types_of_people/
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A man and his wife were going on a vacation but the wife had to attend a conference at work so he decided to go before her and she would meet up with him him after.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to the widow of an elderly preacher who had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fainted.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax1m2n/a_man_and_his_wife_were_going_on_a_vacation_but/
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Today I found out that it is a bad idea to have sex right after a concussion.

It is fucking confusing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax1lcb/today_i_found_out_that_it_is_a_bad_idea_to_have/
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Whats the difference between Jesus and a painting if Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the painting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax1d3c/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_painting/
%
Officer, how did the hacker escape?

Dunno, he just ransomware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax1c8d/officer_how_did_the_hacker_escape/
%
I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.

I lost interest in that relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax194m/i_loaned_200_to_my_girlfriend_5_years_ago_she/
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I'm not antisemitic but...

I believe Israel is controlled by the Jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax18a8/im_not_antisemitic_but/
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A rabbi and a priest are old friends.

One day, the priest comes over to the rabbi and says “Rabbi, I’m going on vacation. Can you take over for me for a few days? All you gotta do is hear confessions.”
The rabbi looks worried and says he doesn’t know how. So the priest takes the rabbi into the confessional to show him.
A woman sits down and says “I’m sorry father, I have sinned. I’ve cheated on my husband with another man.”
“Ok,” says the priest. “Say a few hail marys, put 5 dollars in the tin and you can go.”
A second woman the comes in and “I’m sorry father, I have sinned. I’ve cheated on my husband with 3 other men.”
“Ok,” says the priest. “Say a few hail marys, put 12 dollars in the tin and you can go.”
“You get it?” asks the priest.
“Yeah I think i do,” says the rabbi. “Let me try once.”
The next person sits down, and is yet another woman.
“I’m sorry father, I have sinned. I’ve cheated on my husband with two other men,” she says.
“I see,” says the Rabbi. “Well. Go do it one more time. We have a special today. 3 for 12 dollars.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax16zu/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_are_old_friends/
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Why are there so many jokes about unvaccinated kids?

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax14e9/why_are_there_so_many_jokes_about_unvaccinated/
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Why is a Jewish Jedi Master always an only child?

Because he has no Force-kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax0ujx/why_is_a_jewish_jedi_master_always_an_only_child/
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Donald Trump goes to Africa in safari, but they only show him a photo of some wildebeests.

Fake gnus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax0prs/donald_trump_goes_to_africa_in_safari_but_they/
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Who designed King Arthur’s round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax0hma/who_designed_king_arthurs_round_table/
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My father has the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax087s/my_father_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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Did you hear about the cow that cried wolf?

Fake Moos!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax07x3/did_you_hear_about_the_cow_that_cried_wolf/
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What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money?

Patreon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax07fc/what_does_eevee_evolve_into_when_you_give_it_money/
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Fence repair at the Canadian Parliament

Three contractors are bidding to repair a fence at the Parliament Buildings. One is from Montreal, another is from Winnipeg and the third is from Vancouver.
All three go with a public works official to examine the fence.
The Vancouver contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil ."Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Winnipeg contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000.
That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Montreal contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”"The Montreal contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Winnipeg to repair the fence.""Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how Government contracts work for SNC Lavalin...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax047m/fence_repair_at_the_canadian_parliament/
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I've got a book coming out soon

Shouldn't have eaten it really

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ax01qx/ive_got_a_book_coming_out_soon/
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My wife recently told me that she thinks that sex is a lot better on holiday

I didn’t enjoy receiving that postcard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awzw2b/my_wife_recently_told_me_that_she_thinks_that_sex/
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A freudian slip

So for those of you who dont know, a freudian slip is when you say one thing but you're thinking about a mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awzrly/a_freudian_slip/
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My back is killing me

A man walks into a doctors office and says "my back is killing me"; the doctor asks him why is that. He says: i just came back from work when i saw my wife laying naked on our bed and there was some guy franticaly putting his shirt on in the middle of the street, so i picked up the fridge and tossed it on him from my balcony, but the fridge was very heavy and i hurt my back in the process.
The docter gave him some painkillers and he went out.
Ten minutes later another man came in and said "doctor, please help! My head is killing me"
The doctor asked him why.
"I was very late for work so i ran out my front door while trying to button my shirt when a refrigerator fell on me from the sky.
Ten minutes later another man came in and said "my everywhere is killing me" the doctor asked him why, he said "well, something happened and i was trying to hide in a refrigerator but some asshole decided it was a good idea to throw it down the fourth floor balcony.
I wrote this on mobile so please infrom me if you see grammer/spelling errors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awzppf/my_back_is_killing_me/
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Two sailors are on deck looking out to sea.

In the distance, a huge hand rises from the water.
It keeps rising as the wrist and forearm become visible, the fingers stretching into the air. It wobbles back and forward then falls, crashing into the sea.
One sailor turns to the other and asks, 'Did you see the size of that wave?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awzkl0/two_sailors_are_on_deck_looking_out_to_sea/
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I’ll tell you what gets me down.

Stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awzkh0/ill_tell_you_what_gets_me_down/
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How can you tell the gender of an ant?

You put them in water. If it floats, then it’s buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awzk86/how_can_you_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant/
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Would anyone like to be my companion?

Asking for a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awzjuw/would_anyone_like_to_be_my_companion/
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What do you call it when your feet fall asleep?

Coma - toes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awzh4q/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_feet_fall_asleep/
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I went to meet Bill Cosby and Clark Gable for a drink...

I forget the rest of the story...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awzfeh/i_went_to_meet_bill_cosby_and_clark_gable_for_a/
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Not going to lie I'm a bit of a racist...

I just refuse to run the 1500, its inferior to the 400m.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awza5z/not_going_to_lie_im_a_bit_of_a_racist/
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What do you call a sequence of dance moves made by Al Gore?

An algorithm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awz8hn/what_do_you_call_a_sequence_of_dance_moves_made/
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I always thought I looked better without glasses on

So I guess I really do need those glasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awz6od/i_always_thought_i_looked_better_without_glasses/
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Last night in Jail they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross but they were actually pretty good.

Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awz69p/last_night_in_jail_they_gave_us_mint_chocolates/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None...feminists aren’t changing anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awz4q6/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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With great power

Comes a massive energy bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awyz97/with_great_power/
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A cowboy

, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awyuep/a_cowboy/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To find people who care about its cake day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awyseq/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more.  Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awyh34/a_bus_stops_and_two_italian_men_get_on/
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What's the difference between a hammock and a Fortnight player.

One is a tied seat pod
The other eats tide pods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awye14/whats_the_difference_between_a_hammock_and_a/
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I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald’s ice cream machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awy1v7/i_am_broken_when_my_name_is_spoken_what_am_i/
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I asked my blind date to meet me at the gym... but she never showed up :(

...guess the two of us are never gonna work out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awy1rv/i_asked_my_blind_date_to_meet_me_at_the_gym_but/
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Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel......

When they get there, one girl suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, a girl turned to her new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I've had in years! I wonder how the guys are doing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awy1jq/two_couples_decide_to_spend_the_weekend_away/
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Why is america at an disadvantage at chess?

Because they are missing two towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awxys0/why_is_america_at_an_disadvantage_at_chess/
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A husband and wife decided to go to Florida to escape the snow and cold in Minnesota.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel and sent an email to wife after he arrived.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To my loving wife, I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awxosq/a_husband_and_wife_decided_to_go_to_florida_to/
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Mother excited?

No.
Motherboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awxolb/mother_excited/
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A man walks into a library and says "You got any books on floors?"

The librarian says "Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awxnmc/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_says_you_got_any/
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So, there I was, at this pub in Great Britain,....

I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby. I approached the girls and asked "Are you two ladies from Scotland"?, to which the heftier one replied "It's Wales you idiot"! Taken a bit aback by this, I replied "Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awxm4x/so_there_i_was_at_this_pub_in_great_britain/
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What’s the difference between an incontinent nymphomaniac and an epileptic corn farmer?

One shits and fucks and the other shucks in fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awxip3/whats_the_difference_between_an_incontinent/
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One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids.

Before leaving, they happen to notice a fortune-teller shop across the mall. Two of the women thought it would be a fun way to end their outing while the third one was a bit more skeptical. After a moment of debating, they all agree to go in.
As they entered the shop they were greeted by the Miss Catarina.
* **Miss Catarina**: *Welcome, my beautiful friends! I would like for you to join me on a wonderful adventure into your minds.*
The two women were excited for the experience while the skeptical one rolled her eyes. Miss Catarina acknowledge the gesture.
* **Miss Catarina**: *I see we have a disbeliever in the room. In what way would I be able to lessen your uncertainty?*
Skeptical Woman: How about you start by guessing our names.
* **Miss Catarina**: *And that is exactly what I will do! However, uncovering the names of you three would be way too simple for Miss Catarina. One may say I overheard you addressing each other during a recent debate about coming in here.* (She says with a smirk)
The faces of the other two women were filled with amazement.
* **Miss Catarina**: *I will predict the names of your children and explain some history behind why it was chosen!*
Thinking that there could be no way that she would know, the skeptical woman agreed. Miss Catarina starts with the first two.
* **Miss Catarina**: *Hello my little Princess, your name has to be Penelope!*
The first woman was stun while Penelope looked to her mom confused.
* **Miss Catarina**: *I see you are confused my child, but be no more. You would most likely recognize your name as Penny! It is short for Penelope! Do you know why your name is Penny? It’s because your mommy loves collecting money! All kinds of money! Old money, new money and even foreign money!*
The first two women cheered while confirming that it is correct. The third woman was a bit shocked but still skeptical.
* **Miss Catarina**: *It was nice meeting you, Penelope!*
She then moves to the second child.
* **Miss Catarina**: *Hello my little Angel. You must be Lillian!*
* **Lillian**: *Yes! But everyone calls me Lilly!*
* **Miss Catarina**: *And I bet that is because your mommy loves flowers! All types of flowers! Wild flowers, house flowers and even exotic flower!*
The two women confirmed with excitement! But now the skeptical woman is concern.
* **Miss Catarina**: *It’s a pleasure meeting you, Lillian.*
Saving the best for last, she walks over to the third child.
* **Miss Catarina**: *And you my handsome Prince. Your name is the most fitting of all!*
While feeling embarrassed, the skeptical woman cuts off Miss Catarina.
* **Skeptical Woman**: *I’ve had enough! My son and I do not want to hear what you have to say! We’re leaving!*
While looking at the sad little boy getting taken out the shop, Miss Catarina shouts to him.
* **Miss Catarina**: *You have a wonderful day, Richard!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awxh07/one_afternoon_three_women_were_out_shopping_with/
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A pastor wAS nervous about talking infront of his congregation

removed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awxgua/a_pastor_was_nervous_about_talking_infront_of_his/
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Say what you will about memory loss...

But, say what you will about memory loss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awxgeb/say_what_you_will_about_memory_loss/
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The police came to my house after getting complaints about my dogs chasing people on bikes.

I told them that’s ridiculous. My dogs can’t ride bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awxftl/the_police_came_to_my_house_after_getting/
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Why Shouldn't Cows Smoke Weed?

Because the steaks would be too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awxfto/why_shouldnt_cows_smoke_weed/
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I consider myself somewhat of a chick magnet.

I just have trouble changing the polarity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awxfel/i_consider_myself_somewhat_of_a_chick_magnet/
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A priest has a weiner dog which he loves.

One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:
"Does anybody have a weiner?"
So all the men stood up,
"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a weiner?"
So all the women stood up
"Oh my god that's not what I meant.... Has anyone seen someone else's weiner"
Half of the women stood up
"For god's sake has someone seen my weiner?"
All the children stood up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awxeik/a_priest_has_a_weiner_dog_which_he_loves/
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Hey girl, the only thing I need to be a stud is you

My favorite way to tell someone I have an STD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awxafi/hey_girl_the_only_thing_i_need_to_be_a_stud_is_you/
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1: “There you are! I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

2: “Why do you have that space suit on?”
1: “I’ve been looking for you **everywhere**.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awx9x9/1_there_you_are_ive_been_looking_for_you/
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What can be said for Vietnamese soilders and takeout food?

They never make it home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awx8s8/what_can_be_said_for_vietnamese_soilders_and/
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I asked my priest if it would be a good idea to stop masturbating

But he wouldn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awx4a3/i_asked_my_priest_if_it_would_be_a_good_idea_to/
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There's two things that will never get old

1 - Making fun of anti-vax parents
2 - Their kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awx1c2/theres_two_things_that_will_never_get_old/
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I went to a charity for women with no legs.

The place was crawling with pussy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awwzwd/i_went_to_a_charity_for_women_with_no_legs/
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My wife complained about all my bad puns

I said, “what did you expect? You married a groan man”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awwxmv/my_wife_complained_about_all_my_bad_puns/
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How can you tell if a mechanic has just gotten freaky with a woman?

He’s got one clean finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awwsad/how_can_you_tell_if_a_mechanic_has_just_gotten/
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The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awws6d/the_pope_and_trump_are_on_stage_in_front_of_a/
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A woman visits a monastery

She asks the head monk a few questions about improving her concentration in her daily life, but the monk says the answer is too long. He offers to e-mail her later, which leads her to ask, "Are monks allowed to use e-mail?" to which the monk replies, "Sure, as long as they don't have any attachments."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awwr3a/a_woman_visits_a_monastery/
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I’m really good at jokes

I’m jokeking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awwqhb/im_really_good_at_jokes/
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It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye

But it also stops being fun and games when someone finds an eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awwmi5/its_all_fun_and_games_until_someone_loses_an_eye/
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What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?

If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awwkdo/what_do_a_girlfriend_and_a_forklift_have_in_common/
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Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?

Me: really? Who?
Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...
Me: Witherspoon?
Mom: no, with a knife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awwdjn/mom_did_you_hear_about_the_actress_that_stabbed/
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Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awwd02/where_do_little_jokes_come_from/
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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!".
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aww9lq/an_american_spy_is_in_soviet_russia_digging_up/
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Why do the French never eat tuna sandwiches?

Because bread is pain and fish is poisson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aww9ie/why_do_the_french_never_eat_tuna_sandwiches/
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A man was stuck at a desert island for 20 years. One day, he saw something approaching.

With joy, the man looked at the approaching blur.
At first, it appeared to be a ship, then a boat, then a raft and ultimately a woman in a diver's suit came out of the water.
They talked. The woman asked, "How long since you last had a cigarette ?"
The man said, "20 years !"
The woman unzipped a zipper on her left arm and took out a pack and a lighter and gave it to him.
The woman asked, "How long since you last had some scotch ?"                 The man said, "20 years !"
The woman unzipped a zipper on her left arm and took out a bottle and gave it to him.
Then the woman unzipped a huge zipper on the front of the suit and asked,"And how long since you had some REAL fun ?"
The man's face swelled with joy and asked,"Oh boy don't tell me you have golf clubs in there !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aww8t7/a_man_was_stuck_at_a_desert_island_for_20_years/
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Hillary Clinton should have been the first F president.

Sorry, I meant female, but the emale got deleted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aww7r9/hillary_clinton_should_have_been_the_first_f/
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Relationship problems

I’m about three years into my relationship now, and I’ve started to have erection difficulties.
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is.
She’s bought be me some viagra, and I’ve bought her a treadmill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aww75z/relationship_problems/
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I found out where to get credible sources for anti-vaxers!!!

The Morgue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aww5j5/i_found_out_where_to_get_credible_sources_for/
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Why do eskimos live in igloos?

To iceolate themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aww55q/why_do_eskimos_live_in_igloos/
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I smashed up my keyboard and couldnt find the last key

I lost Ctrl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aww48j/i_smashed_up_my_keyboard_and_couldnt_find_the/
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Why can’t you lose in a threesome with Vietnamese twins?

Because it’s a Ngyuen-Ngyuen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aww2qu/why_cant_you_lose_in_a_threesome_with_vietnamese/
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A pirate meets a stranger one day, and is very curious about the pirate's injuries.

The stranger looks down at the pirate's legs, and asks, "Say, why do you have a wooden leg?"
The pirate replies, "Ya see, we we're fightin' some other ship down yonder and a canonball from the enemies struck my leg and wiped it clean off!"
The stranger was interested, and noticed the pirate's hook for a hand. "If you lost your leg to a canon, what happened to your hand?"
The pirate replies, "Well, I was off sword-fightin' some other cap'n off shore, when he took advantage, and slice my hand off right at the wrist!"
The stranger is shocked, and seeing the eyepatch on the pirate's face, he asks, "Could you tell me what happened to your eye then?"
The pirate ponders for a second, but then remembers, "Well now, I believe i was a-gazin' out at the sky from the rear of my boat, when a seagull flew over me and did its business, landing on my eye."
"That's unfortunate," says the stranger, " but how exactly did you lose your eye from some bird poop?"
The pirate then says, "You see 'ere, that was only my first day with a hook for a hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aww2fk/a_pirate_meets_a_stranger_one_day_and_is_very/
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Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.
"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."
"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.
"Applied psychology."
-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aww1cu/johnny_paid_his_way_through_college_by_waitering/
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Why do teenagers travel in groups of 1,3,5 or 7?

Because they literally can’t even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aww08o/why_do_teenagers_travel_in_groups_of_135_or_7/
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A math teacher was lecturing his students about double negatives and positives. He explained that a negative and a negative make a positive and that a positive and negative always make a negative. He also stated that two positives will never make a negative.

A student shouted sarcastically “Yeah, right!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aww01e/a_math_teacher_was_lecturing_his_students_about/
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A book just fell on my head.

I only have myshelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awvm38/a_book_just_fell_on_my_head/
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"Come forth and gain eternal life" said God

Dave came fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awvm09/come_forth_and_gain_eternal_life_said_god/
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What was Micheal Jacksons favourite chord to play around with?

A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awvlvg/what_was_micheal_jacksons_favourite_chord_to_play/
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I asked a cannibal if humans tasted good.

He said it can vary from person to person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awvkpn/i_asked_a_cannibal_if_humans_tasted_good/
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Why shouldn’t you buy Soviet trousers?

Because Chernobyl fall out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awvg20/why_shouldnt_you_buy_soviet_trousers/
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What do you call a Sikh with a purple turban?

Lavinder Singh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awvfvd/what_do_you_call_a_sikh_with_a_purple_turban/
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A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains.

She replys: "It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awvdwf/a_man_visits_a_prostitute_who_charges_20_and_ends/
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Why can’t a trex clap?

It’s dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awvdpf/why_cant_a_trex_clap/
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My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes nude in her garden...

Personally, I’m on the fence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awvad3/my_wife_is_furious_at_our_next_door_neighbour_who/
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The doctor said I have an "unhealthy relationship" with porn.

But I reckon he's wrong. I must have burnt thousands of calories just this week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awv82f/the_doctor_said_i_have_an_unhealthy_relationship/
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I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.

Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awv5wo/i_called_two_girls_hipsters_and_got_slapped/
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Sir Isaac Newton dies

Everybody: ma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awv2qo/sir_isaac_newton_dies/
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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Cuz everyone who can run, jump and swim is already in the USA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awv0sc/why_doesnt_mexico_have_an_olympic_team/
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I’m making a documentary on the history of female menstruation...

It’s a period piece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awuwro/im_making_a_documentary_on_the_history_of_female/
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A young guy suffers from debilitating headaches (slightly long)

After going through many tests over several months the doctor says the only way to cure them is to cut off his balls. After another couple months the pain is so great the patient finally agrees to the operation.  A week after the operation the patient is super depressed and asks the doctor what he can do about the depression.
Dr “I know it’s not much, but when I’m in a funk I get a nice custom new suit, I have an excellent tailor, Giuseppe, why don’t you go to him and I’ll pick up the tab”
The patient goes to Giuseppe, when he walks in and asks for a suite, Giuseppe says “ah, let me see you’re a 38 long”
Patient “wow that’s amazing, how’d you know without measuring me?”
Giuseppe “I’ve been doing this 40 years I know, you’re also a 17.5 neck, 33 /34 shirt, you like the cuffs to show under the jacket and pants you’re a 38 waist 33 length because you like them to break on the shoes just a bit, you wear an 11 shoe, an XL tee shirt and a Large underwear”
Patient “wow, that’s amazing you got it all right, with the exception of the underwear, I’m a Medium”
Giuseppe “no, you shouldn’t wear a Medium underwear, too small, if you wear that they squeeze your nuts and give you headache!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awus3z/a_young_guy_suffers_from_debilitating_headaches/
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What do you call it when a mechanic has sex with a girl and never sees her again?

Nut and bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awunds/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_mechanic_has_sex_with/
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What do you call a Cajun that never tells the truth?

Jumbolaya

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awumvo/what_do_you_call_a_cajun_that_never_tells_the/
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A girl winked at me....

With her both eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awuib1/a_girl_winked_at_me/
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My Dad told me this one ( he is ex navy)

What is a Sailors motto?
Never leave your mates behind...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awugcl/my_dad_told_me_this_one_he_is_ex_navy/
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How do you call a French homosexual?

Faguette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awuadu/how_do_you_call_a_french_homosexual/
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What do dwarfs and midgets have in common

They have very little in common

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awu9q9/what_do_dwarfs_and_midgets_have_in_common/
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My therapist says I should stop talking to the voices in my head.

But my wife says I don’t have a therapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awu3e2/my_therapist_says_i_should_stop_talking_to_the/
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[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try that huge log over there.", says the other. Again, with a struggle, they haul this huge log to the hole, and roll it in. As they wait and listen, and seemingly out of nowhere, a goat runs up and jumps in the hole. As they both look at each other in shock, they hear a tractor coming across the field. Shortly, a farmer arrives, and asks, " Either of you boys seen my goat?". "Yeah!", they both exclaim. "One just came by and jumped in this hole!" The farmer sits back and tells them," No, no. Couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a huge log."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awu3cb/long_two_men_are_walking_across_a_field_when_they/
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Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies in the OB waiting room.
The first woman takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I'm taking a folate pill."
The second takes out a pill and says, "I want my baby to have healthy blood, so I'm taking an iron pill."
The third one takes out a pill and says "This is thalidomide," before taking it.
The other two women look in horror, and ask "WHY?!"
The third one calmly replies, "I messed up the sleeves on this sweater."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awtthx/three_pregnant_women_are_sitting_in_the_waiting/
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What's the difference between relaxation and laziness?

The angle of the recliner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awtsv9/whats_the_difference_between_relaxation_and/
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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.
But what really sets this shop apart is their ink master. Most people buy pens with black ink or blue ink or even red ink, mostly because they do not know the world of colors of ink available at this shop. These fine inks are carefully blended by this ink master, a prodigy among those with a sense for color. There are colors so deep you feel you could fall into them, so vibrant you'd think they were alive, and so bright you'd think they were on fire. Every color imaginable and some you can't even imagine are available here.
However the ink master is rarely at the store, he travels the world sourcing ingredients for his magnificent inks. Velvet Red ink made from the shell of a Japanese beetle. Royal blue ink made from the petals of an African flower that only blooms once every four years. Making sure these ingredients are available for his customers keeps this whiz of ink away for months sometimes years at a time.
But while people come from all over the world to buy this artisan ink maker's products, very few ever actually think they'll get a chance to meet him.
Because nobody expects the Spanish ink whiz is in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awtnl2/there_is_a_store_in_spain_that_sells_exquisite/
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I lost my wife's audiobook

I'll never hear the end of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awtn8x/i_lost_my_wifes_audiobook/
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The man was dying to know the secrets behind these insane tricks.

A man was at a magic show. The magician was doing several amazing tricks that had the audience shocked.
After one particularly incredible trick, the man screamed out, “Please, you have to tell me how you do that!”
The magician waved his hand in the air and winked knowingly. “Oh, I would tell you, sir,” the magician answered, “but then I’d have to kill you.”
After less than a moment’s pause the man’s voice yelled out, “Can you tell my mother-in-law?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awtm6s/the_man_was_dying_to_know_the_secrets_behind/
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If it weren’t for Abraham Lincoln,...

America would have really gone South.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awtipc/if_it_werent_for_abraham_lincoln/
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Me: “Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.”

Waiter: “I asked if you were dining alone.”
Me: “Oh, sorry. Yes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awthjc/me_hey_dont_assume_im_dying_alone_i_might_find/
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A man goes into a bar and sees a crying horse...

The bartender says to to the man: „Look, if you can cheer that horse up, all drinks are on the house today.“
The man takes the horse outside and a few minutes later, the horse is laughing loud and doesn’t stop.
A man of his word, the bartender gives the man free drinks.
A week later, the man visits the bar again and sees, that the horse is still laughing. The bartender says: „Look, this horse is driving me crazy, it was much better when it was crying. Please make it sad again.“
So the man takes the horse outside and a few minutes later both come back in and the horse is crying again.
Confused, the bartender asks the man, what he did to the horse, that he first made it laugh so easily and then cry again.
The man says: „Last week, I said to him, that my dick was longer. Today we compared them.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awthfx/a_man_goes_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_crying_horse/
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Why do rednecks have sex doggy style?

So they can both watch Nascar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awtfc7/why_do_rednecks_have_sex_doggy_style/
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Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me

it means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awtdm3/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
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Why is the guy who can suck himself off such a narcissist?

Because he's full of himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awtcta/why_is_the_guy_who_can_suck_himself_off_such_a/
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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.
A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.
He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.
A day later he returns to see that the clock is 15 minutes too early.
Lastly, he sets up the same clock in a Russian bar.
A day later he returns to find that the clock has disappeared! He walks up to the bartender and asks what happened to the clock on that wall.
The bartender replies - “That was a clock?! Blyat we thought that was a fan!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awtb5w/a_businessman_has_designed_a_clock_which_moves/
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My dad uses to tell this joke alot

There was once a man named Odd. He was very embarresed by his name and didn't want anyone to know about it. When he died he had no name written on his gravestone.
One day a bunch of tourists came to his town and visited the graveyard where they came across a gravestone with no name on it.
"That's Odd!" He said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awt9x1/my_dad_uses_to_tell_this_joke_alot/
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What brings out your inner kid?

A coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awt8oz/what_brings_out_your_inner_kid/
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The other day a bloke offered me a go on his ice rink for 50p.

I thought, "What a fucking cheap skate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awt7vi/the_other_day_a_bloke_offered_me_a_go_on_his_ice/
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This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary.  He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works.  Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer.  For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet.  He opens the freezer door.  The parrot steps out and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."  The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask - **what did the chicken do?"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awt7ad/this_guy_gets_a_parrot_but_its_got_a_bad_attitude/
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If you ever wanna have raw sex, have it with an anti-vax believer

Worst case scenario, you pay child support for 5 years instead of 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awt6ps/if_you_ever_wanna_have_raw_sex_have_it_with_an/
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Dress

**Mum:** What was that loud bang ?
**Daughter:** My dress fell down
**Mum:** How can a dress make a loud bang ?
**Daughter:** I was inside the dress !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awt6jv/dress/
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What's the difference between Santa and a Jew?

The direction in the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awt5ul/whats_the_difference_between_santa_and_a_jew/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a portrait of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the portrait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awt4jq/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_portrait/
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I ran into Hitler.

I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to.
“This time, I am going to kill 6 million Jews and 2 clowns!”
“Two clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?”
“See? Nobody cares about ze Jews!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awt3wq/i_ran_into_hitler/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awt0or/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

We better get some support before someone thinks we are nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awsx94/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other/
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Why don't Jews eat pussy?

It's too close to the gas chamber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awswsl/why_dont_jews_eat_pussy/
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said,

"Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awswby/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born_so/
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What’s so scary about a white person in prison

You know he did it
This ain’t mine btw I got it from youtube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awsvk2/whats_so_scary_about_a_white_person_in_prison/
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Did you hear about the stoner who had a stash that never went stale or moldy? He used to spend hours stoned just staring at it...

I guess it's true what they say, a watched pot never spoils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awsvgq/did_you_hear_about_the_stoner_who_had_a_stash/
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out

and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awstk8/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_were_all_lost/
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Mickey says to Minnie "I want to divorce"

"Are you fucking crazy?" She replies.
"No, I'm fucking Daisy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awst9r/mickey_says_to_minnie_i_want_to_divorce/
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Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.

The government hates competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awsrtm/dont_steal_dont_lie_and_dont_cheat/
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My 35 year old friend and his 22 year old girlfriend had their meal out completely ruined by strangers judging them for their age gap.

It completely ruined their 10 year anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awsra3/my_35_year_old_friend_and_his_22_year_old/
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(Dark) What do you call depressed American kids?

Shooting stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awsq5u/dark_what_do_you_call_depressed_american_kids/
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On my first day as a bank teller, a woman told me to check her balance..

So I pushed her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awso2i/on_my_first_day_as_a_bank_teller_a_woman_told_me/
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That guy calls near everyone he meets his brother

His mom really gets around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awsmcn/that_guy_calls_near_everyone_he_meets_his_brother/
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Three guys picked a fight with me in a bar last night. I managed to knock one out.

Sure, it was a strange time to masturbate, but I didn't know if I was going to survive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awsm5k/three_guys_picked_a_fight_with_me_in_a_bar_last/
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I saw two lesbian quantum physicists in a super position.

It was a double-slit experiment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awskqe/i_saw_two_lesbian_quantum_physicists_in_a_super/
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What does the Russian first lady say when she wants sex?

Vladimir put in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awsjmp/what_does_the_russian_first_lady_say_when_she/
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An artist thought he had lost his favorite color of paint but...

It was just a pigment of his imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awshv0/an_artist_thought_he_had_lost_his_favorite_color/
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I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the color of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awshqj/i_thought_my_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife_from/
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My Lesbian neighbors Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.

They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awshjm/my_lesbian_neighbors_eva_and_julia_asked_me_to/
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What's important to remember when buying real estate in Japan?

Look Asian, look Asian, look Asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awsgc1/whats_important_to_remember_when_buying_real/
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I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue.

I though they were the aqua-marines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awsfot/ive_never_understood_the_navys_colour_being_navy/
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Have you heard about the judge who left his job to become a public speaking instructor?

He progressed from reading sentences to entire paragraphs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awsbp0/have_you_heard_about_the_judge_who_left_his_job/
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I hate people who use big words.

They do it just to make themselves look perspicacious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awsaow/i_hate_people_who_use_big_words/
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I heard that my friend had sex with his teacher.

Too bad he is home schooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awsamv/i_heard_that_my_friend_had_sex_with_his_teacher/
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I tried being a fruitarian

That's where you can only eat things that have fallen off trees.
I managed one day, I had 3 apples and an owl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aws5rg/i_tried_being_a_fruitarian/
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If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex...

Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aws3or/if_a_guy_is_addicted_to_masturbating_but_then/
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I just saw a man repair his monocle with his bare hands.

It was a spectacle to behold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awrzf6/i_just_saw_a_man_repair_his_monocle_with_his_bare/
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What is it called when Barry Allen commandeers a car.

A Flash Drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awrz16/what_is_it_called_when_barry_allen_commandeers_a/
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Carbon and Helium were having a conversation.

Carbon: “ And then I said, Barium!”
Osmium walks into the room.
“What’s so funny guys?”
Carbon whispers to Helium: “Don’t tell him. He’s too dense to get it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awryw0/carbon_and_helium_were_having_a_conversation/
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Unbelievable blowjob

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and say's," See that woman over there, she will give you a blow job and sing the National Anthem at the same time." "No way," the guy say's. "oh yeah, and she only charges $20." So he walks over and hands her a 20. She takes him into a back room and shuts off the light. As she starts to give him head, she also starts to sing. He couldn't believe it, the words came out so clear that it was impossible. When she finished, he quickly flicked on the light and saw her popping in her glass eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awrurh/unbelievable_blowjob/
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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.
He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her.
When he returned, he called the 3 knights in.
He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.
He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.
He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place!
The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!"
The knight said: "Eywanmytonbac!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awru2g/there_was_a_king_with_a_beautiful_virgin_daughter/
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Two scientists walk into a bar

You’d think the second one would notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awrptc/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
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My friend Ara and I agreed to meet up a mask party.

When I got there she was wearing a mask completely made of Makeup.
I looked at her and said, “That’s some nice mask Ara.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awrndc/my_friend_ara_and_i_agreed_to_meet_up_a_mask_party/
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I'm not really a fan of TikTok

The posts there are really just hit or miss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awrbli/im_not_really_a_fan_of_tiktok/
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Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awr8ua/two_new_recruits_were_on_the_deck_of_a_ship/
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A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.”  The frog gives her the information and then sets a vase on the counter. Mrs. Wack takes a long look at the vase, and then at the frog, and then inquires about the vase. The frog says “it’s an expensive keepsake from my father,  you may have heard of him since he’s pretty famous, his name is Mick Jagger.” Now, Mrs. Wack doesn’t know what to believe so she tells the frog that she needs to get her manager to asses the vase as collateral. She calls her manager, who comes over and listens to the frog’s story, he then takes a moment to process the information. Impatient, Mrs. Wack asks what they should do in this situation. Her manager thinks for a moment and then says...
“It’s a nick-nack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awr4ug/a_frog_goes_to_the_bank_wanting_to_take_out_a_loan/
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The Russian pretzel

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.
When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."
The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"
The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.
The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.
The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"
The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.
"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awr4sv/the_russian_pretzel/
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A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturizer...

...that makes you look ten years younger...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awr0fa/a_nine_year_old_girl_has_disappeared_after_using/
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How many guys in the friend-zone does it take to change a light bulb?

Zero, they just keep complimenting it and complain when it doesn’t screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awr05y/how_many_guys_in_the_friendzone_does_it_take_to/
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Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awqzfy/why_do_scottish_men_wear_kilts/
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Why doesn’t John want herpes?

Because he has his own peas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awqv3a/why_doesnt_john_want_herpes/
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$5 Hooker

A man goes to see a 5 dollar hooker, he does his business and the goes home. The next day he was furious, he got crabs from the hooker. He decides to go back to the hooker and complain.
Man: This is outrageous I pay you and I get crabs!!!
Hooker: Well what did you expect for 5 dollars? Lobster?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awqtmg/5_hooker/
%
How to fall down the stairs

Step1
Step2
Step3
Step6
Step12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awqiiz/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
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What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry! (This is my favourite joke because it's so bad, I'm sorry you all had to read it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awqgj9/what_do_you_call_a_sad_strawberry/
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question, a superfluously expanded vocabulary, and a blatant disregard for previously established axioms?

A punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awqe1d/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_joke_with_a/
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My teacher tried to flirt with me in class today.

It made me really uncomfortable. She kept saying "You look sexy!" and "wanna have a little fun in bed?"
It's tough being homeschooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awqd1x/my_teacher_tried_to_flirt_with_me_in_class_today/
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How does a mathematician get revenge?

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”
He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awqczp/how_does_a_mathematician_get_revenge/
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My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself in the shower

I guess you could say he has selfie steam issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awq3pb/my_friend_is_obsessed_with_taking_blurry_pictures/
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A kid asks his mom:

- Mom, what’s dark humor?
- Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap
- Mom! I'm blind....
- Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awq06l/a_kid_asks_his_mom/
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Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

If it had four it would be a sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awpwg5/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_two_doors/
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Jokes about Peter Pan will always get a laugh

Because they never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awpoty/jokes_about_peter_pan_will_always_get_a_laugh/
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A man answers a Craigslist ad for a Porsche for sale.

He goes to check it out, it's a nice late model sport coupe being sold by a middle-aged lady.  The engine purrs, the car is clean as a whistle, and drives like a dream.  But when he asks the price, the lady tells him $100.  This sets off his BS meter, so he starts trying to figure out what's wrong.  Is it salvage title? No.  She does realize it's a much more valuable car? Yes.  Is... is it stolen? No.
So why $100?
The lady explains "Last week my husband goes on a business trip.  He then emails me and tells me he is staying in Atlanta, wants to shack up with his secretary, and instructed me to sell the Porsche and send him the proceeds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awpn7j/a_man_answers_a_craigslist_ad_for_a_porsche_for/
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What goes down an alley and has holes in it?

Batman’s parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awpl6j/what_goes_down_an_alley_and_has_holes_in_it/
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Did you hear about the Corduroy pillows in the news?

They’re making HEAD LINES! (my mom told me this one today after I got home from work)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awpke6/did_you_hear_about_the_corduroy_pillows_in_the/
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Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

He fingered A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awpgl4/why_did_the_guitar_teacher_get_arrested/
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Kids who are visiting Disneyland for the first time get a button that says “It’s my first time at Disneyland!”

Do Make-a-Wish kids get a button that says “It’s my last time at Disneyland!”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awpgfv/kids_who_are_visiting_disneyland_for_the_first/
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What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom

At least until you wash the sheets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awpg49/what_happens_in_the_bedroom_stays_in_the_bedroom/
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I asked Sister Claire why she insists on wearing a dirty hat to church.

She said it’s just a nasty habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awpf83/i_asked_sister_claire_why_she_insists_on_wearing/
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My grief counselor passed away last night

Luckily he was so good I didn't give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awpbxe/my_grief_counselor_passed_away_last_night/
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What's the highest form of flattery?

A plateau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awp8bn/whats_the_highest_form_of_flattery/
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Two condoms walk past a gay bar....

.... one turns to the other and says, "why dont we go in and get shitfaced?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awp7oj/two_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
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Where are average things manufactured?

In the satisfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awp70o/where_are_average_things_manufactured/
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My ex called me angrily and said, “Are you fucking stupid?”

I said, “No. I used to, but we broke up, remember?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awp6lu/my_ex_called_me_angrily_and_said_are_you_fucking/
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I hate elevators.

I will take steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awoy1p/i_hate_elevators/
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My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awoxxd/my_new_years_resolution_was_to_hit_the_gym_more/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awongp/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
A grown man called me autistic today.

Never talking to my psychiatrist again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awomy5/a_grown_man_called_me_autistic_today/
%
I’m trying to get my mom to understand my interest in plasma

But she keeps telling me that it’s just a phase

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awogt2/im_trying_to_get_my_mom_to_understand_my_interest/
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What’s a mathematician’s favorite type of boob?

Quantitties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awofjb/whats_a_mathematicians_favorite_type_of_boob/
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My wife is hard of hearing . . .

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awoerx/my_wife_is_hard_of_hearing/
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Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.
"Who sneezed?" he asks.
Deathly silence.
"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"
Not a peep.
"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"
A few seconds later, the entire first row of the audience is lying in bloody heaps on the ground.
"Now, who sneezed?" Still not a whimper. "Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!" The second row writhes and breathes its last.
"Now, comrades: who sneezed?" Absolute silence. "Third row! Stand up! Guards! Op...."
"Wait! Wait!" From the sixth row a man rises, shaking so hard with fear that he can barely stay on his legs. "Please! Comrade Stalin! It was me. I sneezed."
Stalin fixes his eye on the wretch. The entire audience watches, paralysed.
"You sneezed?"
"Yes, Comrade Stalin, yes. It was me."
"Bless you, comrade!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awo85g/stalin_is_giving_a_long_speech_at_an_event/
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Bread is just like the sun...

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awo7qq/bread_is_just_like_the_sun/
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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

“Where the fuck is my tractor?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awo77z/what_did_the_farmer_say_when_he_lost_his_tractor/
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An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.
Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives.
The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time".
The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?"
The Russian: "The Indian, of course".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awo43s/an_american_an_indian_and_a_russian_got_in_hell/
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My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:
&nbsp;
Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."
Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."
Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"
Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"
Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"
Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."
Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."
&nbsp;
I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a funeral).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awo1cc/my_fiveyearold_everyone/
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The monkey and the lizard

A lizard was walking through the jungle one day when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. The lizard called, "Hey Monkey, what are you doing up there?" to which the monkey replied, "Dude, I'm smoking pot...wanna join me?" The lizard agrees, and he and the monkey spend the next few hours getting stoned into an oblivion. After a while, the lizard says, "I'm so parched, man. I'm gonna head to the river to get a drink." After fumbling his way down the tree and to the riverbank, he leans forward to get a drink and ends up slipping into the water. An alligator spots him flapping around in the river and carries him to the shore. The alligator says, "What are you doing, man?! You could have gotten killed!" The lizard explains that he's been smoking weed for hours with the monkey, and the alligator is like, "A stoned monkey? I gotta see this." He waddles over to the tree the lizard pointed out and calls up, "Hey Monkey!" The monkey looks down and stares at the alligator for a moment through red glazed eyes then says, "Fffffffuuuckkk duuuuudddde, how much water did you drink?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awo0si/the_monkey_and_the_lizard/
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How does Bono spell the word 'color'?

With or without U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awnz16/how_does_bono_spell_the_word_color/
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New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered...

They're bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awnxld/new_types_of_sliced_loaf_arent_invented_or/
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Do you know why non-vaccinated people have the lowest drinking rates out of everybody else?

They can never age up to 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awnwib/do_you_know_why_nonvaccinated_people_have_the/
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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie...

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
Son: "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
Som: “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad: "What movie did you watch?"
Son: "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son: “Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad: “What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom: "*Laughs* Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Me: “This isn’t a repost”
The robot slaps me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awnrax/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
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How many times a day does a dog bark?

About 100, but that’s just a ruff estimate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awnpro/how_many_times_a_day_does_a_dog_bark/
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A woman goes into a coma shortly after giving birth to twins

She was in the coma for several weeks and the task of naming the children fell to her idiot brother.
When she woke up and she was advised of her brothers role, she immediately demanded to know the names they were given.
The nurse told her "the girl is called Denise", the woman sighed a breath of relief.
"And the boy was named Denephew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awnoxp/a_woman_goes_into_a_coma_shortly_after_giving/
%
I have been hitting the gym recently.

I'm not getting fitter, but my hand is getting darn bloody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awnnrz/i_have_been_hitting_the_gym_recently/
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Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awnlsw/putting_air_in_your_tires_used_to_be_free_now_its/
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I don't really like jokes about unrefined oil

They're too crude for my taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awnj17/i_dont_really_like_jokes_about_unrefined_oil/
%
I visited the Middle East last year...

And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.
Too hard for the camels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awnd50/i_visited_the_middle_east_last_year/
%
A naked man broke into a church...

the police chased him around, and finally caught him by the organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awncc9/a_naked_man_broke_into_a_church/
%
What's the last thing gay pirates do before bed?

Split all the booty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awnc5p/whats_the_last_thing_gay_pirates_do_before_bed/
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Why Jesus and the 3.5" floppy are the same?

They both died to become the icon of saving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awn88p/why_jesus_and_the_35_floppy_are_the_same/
%
I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another girl on her back

I asked “who’s the other girl”
She said...
“Michelle”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awn5n6/i_was_at_a_fancy_dress_party_and_i_ran_into_a/
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I wanted to buy a noose on Amazon...

But there are no reviews for it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awn430/i_wanted_to_buy_a_noose_on_amazon/
%
Bob has a small company. One day, one of his employees, Kevin, dies

Bob and his wife go to the funeral. On the way back home, she asks him:
"Dear, you know my brother is a little lazy, but he's been looking for a good opportunity. Do you think he could replace Kevin?"  Bob answers:
"It's ok for me, but we would have to talk with the graveyard administration"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awmw9g/bob_has_a_small_company_one_day_one_of_his/
%
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awmttg/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
%
Which Roman emperor loved planes the most?

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroooo.
&nbsp;
So I hit my coworkers with this one at work today, and they hated it.  Never heard it before so not sure if someone else made it up first, but I'm sure you good peoples would know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awmter/which_roman_emperor_loved_planes_the_most/
%
I don’t understand why gay men are called fruity.

They’re known, perhaps above all else, for their love of meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awmt43/i_dont_understand_why_gay_men_are_called_fruity/
%
wrong answer

A guy shows up at his local pub with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asks the bartender.
"Oh, this morning my wife asked me where I would like to be buried," says the guy.
"So?" asks the bartender.
And the guy says, "Apparently, 'Balls deep in her sister' wasn't the answer she was expecting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awmqvg/wrong_answer/
%
How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with Parkinson's disease to turn off the lights!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awmqkj/how_do_you_make_a_room_full_of_epileptics_go_nuts/
%
What do you call it when you hit someone with a salt shaker?

A salt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awmnnx/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_hit_someone_with_a/
%
A Slapping Lie Detector Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
// My first post here and hope it’s not a repost, sorry otherwise!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awmnip/a_slapping_lie_detector_robot/
%
Teacher: can anyone name three Kings that brought happiness and peace to earth?

Student: Drin King, Smo King, and Fuc King!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awmm9w/teacher_can_anyone_name_three_kings_that_brought/
%
How you can be such an asshole?

You feel offended or you wanna learn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awmke4/how_you_can_be_such_an_asshole/
%
What do you call a cold hippo?

Hippothermia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awmhzy/what_do_you_call_a_cold_hippo/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awmgvb/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Why couldn't the Mexican fire his bow?

He didn't habenero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awmgci/why_couldnt_the_mexican_fire_his_bow/
%
The marching contest

Three countries were having a marching contest. America, Spain and Russia. They had 3 weeks to prepare.
The Russian soldiers marching was perfect. They were all in time, with great rhythm.
The American soldiers were also close to immaculate.
But, the Spanish soldiers were a mess. They couldn't get the timing right and managed to somehow fall over continuously.
The day came for the marching contest. Russia and America were the 2 countries that were most likely going to win, while Spain had no hope. The first competitor was Russia. They marched perfectly, just how they did in practice. A score of 9. America was the same, but a few mistakes. A score of 8.
Now came Spains turn. Then suddenly, it was as if they had been practicing for years. It was perfect, as if they were robots. Each footstep was at the exact same time as the others. Their body movement was amazing to watch. A score of 10.
After the contest the American and Russian marching leaders asked the Spain leader how they did it.
The Spain leader replies: "Well, nobody expects the Spanish in position!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awm5tf/the_marching_contest/
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If I got a nickel for every time I had sex

My pimp would beat my ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awm4cc/if_i_got_a_nickel_for_every_time_i_had_sex/
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Principal: Sorry for calling you in, but your son set the school on fire.

Parents: Arson?
Principal: Yes, your son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awm46w/principal_sorry_for_calling_you_in_but_your_son/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German ...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
'Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awm3f9/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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Everyone in our band has obsessive-complulsive disorder.

We're called "OC/DC."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awlzxr/everyone_in_our_band_has_obsessivecomplulsive/
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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awly92/did_you_hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
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I tried explaining to my son how his mobile works

But it just went over his head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awlran/i_tried_explaining_to_my_son_how_his_mobile_works/
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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost deep in the jungle when they encounter a tribe of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.
Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.
The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops three small seeds into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up all three seeds without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.
Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.
The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, “Now you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams “Tria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. “What did you say” asked the chief. “Tria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.
“Holy shit” said Bob “What did you just say and how did you know it would work?”
“Well” said Frank,  “my Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seeds try Tria-Gan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awlplj/two_friends_bob_and_frank_are_lost_deep_in_the/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

More than three, because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awlno4/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Have you ever met a tree surgeon?

They arboring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awlhsj/have_you_ever_met_a_tree_surgeon/
%
My blind girlfriend broke up with me today

She just couldn't see a future with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awlhht/my_blind_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_today/
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A man from Maine heads to Florida for a weekend trip.

The man’s wife is coming to see him the next day. He checks into a hotel room and opens his laptop. He sends her a brief email to let her know he got to his destination safely. Unfortunately, he makes a typo in the address and the email is sent to the elderly wife of a minister who had recently passed away. When the grieving widow checks her email  later that day, she lets out a scream and falls to the floor. Her children come rushing in to find the following on her screen:
Dearest Wife,
I have just arrived. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you.
Your loving Husband
P.S. : It sure is hot down here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awlbgh/a_man_from_maine_heads_to_florida_for_a_weekend/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awlazo/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_whos_afraid/
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I Am A Professional Procrastinator. Ask Me Anything

I'll be back to answer your questions in a few minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awl5z6/i_am_a_professional_procrastinator_ask_me_anything/
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What's a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, only you do it yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awl5i1/whats_a_yankee/
%
Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awl3hf/did_you_hear_about_those_new_corduroy_pillows/
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There should be a 12 step program for people who talk too much...

On-and-on anon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awl06r/there_should_be_a_12_step_program_for_people_who/
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What's the most effective way to remove a sticky chewing gum from your hair ?

Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awky5e/whats_the_most_effective_way_to_remove_a_sticky/
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My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awkvay/my_wife_is_furious_at_our_next_door_neighbor_who/
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USA is so lucky.

Wherever they start fighting terrorism, they manage to find oil reserves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awkv7u/usa_is_so_lucky/
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Nuclear Physicist Bartender

How did Nuclear Physicist mix drinks at his party?
With a Piña Collider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awksy4/nuclear_physicist_bartender/
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Create new password: Tomato

Confirm new password: Tomato
Error: Passwords don’t match

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awkshw/create_new_password_tomato/
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What's the difference between a Pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awkp62/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

by walking
jk rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awknbd/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
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What do you call someone who is half Jewish?

Jew-ish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awkmdc/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_half_jewish/
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What do you call a homosexual Knight?

Sergei.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awklr6/what_do_you_call_a_homosexual_knight/
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Why did the teenager hire the prostitute?

For the hormones...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awkjs9/why_did_the_teenager_hire_the_prostitute/
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A dwarf lady goes to the doctors complaining about a pain down below.

She sits down and says to the doctor “I have a terrible pain in my vagina!”
The doctor looks at her for a minute then grabs a pair of scissors. He works away near her vagina for a couple of minutes and then exclaims “There you go. If you would like to stand up for me.”
She stands up and the pain is gone.
“Wow thank you doctor what did you do?”she asks.
“Easy” replies the doctor, “ I just trimmed the top off your wellington boots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awkhqj/a_dwarf_lady_goes_to_the_doctors_complaining/
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Guy pulled up the bar in a brand new Cadillac.

He gets out, walks inside, pulls out a rolls of twenties and starts buying everybody drinks. The weird part was is he had a head the size of a grapefruit.
The bartender stirs up a conversation and says “he man, not to be rude but I have to ask... what’s with your tiny head?”
The man shrugs and says “Well its a funny story. you have probably  heard the stories. I was traveling around the orient and found this old oil lamp. I figured I might as give it a shot and so I rubbed it. All of the sudden this gorgeous genie comes out of the lamp and gives her whole spiel about 3 wishes.”
“First thing I wished for was this roll of $20’s that never ends. I’m still spending the thing. Works great. So for my second wish, I asked for a brand new Cadillac that becomes new again every year. Pretty great to always have a brand new car.”
“Problem is I sort of hit a brick wall and didn’t know what else to wish for. I thought for a bit and told the genie ‘well I’m not sure what else to wish for, but you are pretty hot. Want to fool around?’”
The genie responded “hey it’s your wish. But I’m just smoke from the waste down. Not a whole lot of fun there”
So I asked “how about alittle head?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awkhqe/guy_pulled_up_the_bar_in_a_brand_new_cadillac/
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A man was stopped at a farmer's market

When he comes across a stand advertising peaches of every flavor, he asks the owner "do you really have peaches in every flavor?" to which he responds "I sure do, what flavor are you looking for?" Doubting the owner the man asks for peanut butter and jelly, the owner selects a peach and hands it over. Biting into the peach the man says that's amazing, but it's just peanut butter I don't taste any jelly" "Flip it over" the owner instructs tasting the other side the man is amazed to find that it tastes of his favorite jelly. Curious now and wanting to stump the owner he says "I bet you don't have one that tastes like beer" the owner reaches for another peach to his further amazement this peach tastes of beer. Now he is determined to stump the owner and after thinking for a moment he says, "I know you don't have one that tastes like pussy" the owner calmly grabs another peach and hands it over. Biting into it the man immediately spits it out, exclaiming "oh! that tastes like shit!" The owner responds "flip it over"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awkfb2/a_man_was_stopped_at_a_farmers_market/
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A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and an Alabama Crimson Tide fan are in a car together, but the car breaks down.

Luckily, there's a farm right nearby. The farmer says, "I only got room for two of ya in the house, so one of you's gonna have to sleep in the barn."
The Hindu holy man decides to go, but comes back to the barn because there's a cow in there, and Cows are sacred in his faith.
The Rabbi takes his friend's place, only to come back in because there's also a pig in the barn, and in the Rabbi's faith, pigs are unclean.
So the Alabama fan grudgingly goes to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there's a knock on the door, and standing in the doorway are the cow and the pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awkdnn/a_rabbi_a_hindu_holy_man_and_an_alabama_crimson/
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My garden has been invaded by hedgehogs.

Pricks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awkd11/my_garden_has_been_invaded_by_hedgehogs/
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On a casual drive from drinking a blond, red, and black haired women died in a car crash.

When they died God said to them that they could get into heaven if they could climb 100 steps with jokes inscribed on them and never laugh. So they started their ascend. Unfortunately the black haired woman laughed on the 21st step and fell off the steps to heaven. The red head laughed on the 43rd step and also fell off. Finally, the blond head reached the 100th and then suddenly bursted into laughter.
God asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost made it!”
To which the blond replied, “I just got the first one. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awkcjo/on_a_casual_drive_from_drinking_a_blond_red_and/
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Why did the blind villager fall into the watering hole?

because they couldn't see that well
^^^_yes_i_know^^^

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awkbhi/why_did_the_blind_villager_fall_into_the_watering/
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A horse walks into a bar and the barman says, "why the long face?"

The horse, being a horse and thus incapable of conversation, says nothing and shits on the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awk7g1/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_barman_says_why/
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A priest, a rabbi, and a music teacher walk into a bar

Teacher: There's a fire at the orphanage we should help! Those kids are in danger!
Rabbi: Fuck the children
Priest: Do you think we'll have time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awk56h/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_music_teacher_walk_into_a/
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How do you call a blind deer?

Because I've got no-eye-deer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awjyzo/how_do_you_call_a_blind_deer/
%
Why did the banker like the TV show?

Because he was invested in the story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awjrxy/why_did_the_banker_like_the_tv_show/
%
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

“Yes, we arson.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awjr8l/dad_are_we_pyromaniacs/
%
Why is President Donald Trump never cold?

He dodges the draft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awjobh/why_is_president_donald_trump_never_cold/
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What do you call an LGBTQ person who doesn’t take action?

A Bi-stander.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awjkyt/what_do_you_call_an_lgbtq_person_who_doesnt_take/
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My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.
We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.
Nobody expected the Spanish Inn Physician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awjd46/my_uncle_got_a_severe_allergic_reaction_while/
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Youtube has decided that comments on certain videos are now disabled, which is redundant.

If you read the comments on Youtube, you'll notice that they are already disabled!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awjcv8/youtube_has_decided_that_comments_on_certain/
%
This guy in the pub stood up on a table.

"Has anyone here been sleeping with my wife?"
There was silence in the room.
"OK...somebody speak up RIGHT NOW... if you've slept with my wife!"
There was silence in the room.
"Why are none of you fuckers talking?" he asked. "I know at least one of you has slept with my wife!"
Then someone from the back of the room shouted, "Yeah, we're just too embarrassed to admit it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awj9pt/this_guy_in_the_pub_stood_up_on_a_table/
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Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors.

But sometimes they come in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awj8bz/robert_kraft_doesnt_always_have_a_use_for_massage/
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When I found out that my toaster wasn’t water proof

I was shocked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awj81p/when_i_found_out_that_my_toaster_wasnt_water_proof/
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I asked my pharmacist for the strongest laxative he had.

Pharmacist: Are you really constipated?
Me: I broke up with my girlfriend and miss how she irritated the shit out of me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awj794/i_asked_my_pharmacist_for_the_strongest_laxative/
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Guy in a bar called me a tool

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awj47o/guy_in_a_bar_called_me_a_tool/
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I wasn't particularly close to my dad when he died..

..which was lucky cause he trod on a land mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awixgu/i_wasnt_particularly_close_to_my_dad_when_he_died/
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Everyone knows why six is scared of seven. It’s because seven eight nine..

But do you know why Seven eight nine?
Because your supposed to eat three squared meals a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awirvi/everyone_knows_why_six_is_scared_of_seven_its/
%
Why couldn’t Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he was married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awirut/why_couldnt_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
%
The worlds two largest manufacturers of broth seasoning cubes are merging.

It was a multi-bouillon dollar deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awip7j/the_worlds_two_largest_manufacturers_of_broth/
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The foreman at my bridge construction site is always rushing things. But when I got the beams set ahead of schedule he didn't believe me.

Nobody expects the span is in position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awiox0/the_foreman_at_my_bridge_construction_site_is/
%
They say a dog is a man's best friend.

But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst having a shit on my carpet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awionh/they_say_a_dog_is_a_mans_best_friend/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awioil/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awim8c/a_slice_of_apple_pie_is_250_in_jamaica_and_300_in/
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There is a way of telling if an orange is male or female.

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awim24/there_is_a_way_of_telling_if_an_orange_is_male_or/
%
I checked out a brothel and spent time with a bipolar asian girl last night

Dont think I'll be ordering sweet & sour off the menu again any time soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awievd/i_checked_out_a_brothel_and_spent_time_with_a/
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I am a builder from Sioux Falls, and I was recently in Madrid at a local tavern, and couldn’t believe the amount of code violations in their building practices. This led me to accept that they are their own culture and....

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awibd2/i_am_a_builder_from_sioux_falls_and_i_was/
%
I got the words "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" mixed up yesterday.

...now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awiaip/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_mixed_up/
%
What does a perverted frog say?

rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awi8li/what_does_a_perverted_frog_say/
%
Why didn't Luke Skywalker's marriages ever last?

He wanted to follow Obi-Wan's advice: "Use divorce, Luke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awi7st/why_didnt_luke_skywalkers_marriages_ever_last/
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How many country artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.
One changes the light bulb, the other one makes a song how good the old light bulb was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awi6sp/how_many_country_artists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A beautiful blonde is driving down the highway

When she sees another blonde in a field trying to row a canoe across the grass.  The first blonde, infuriated, gets out of her car and starts shouting, “people like you are why everyone thinks blondes are dumb!! I swear to god if I could swim I’d go out there and kick your ass”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awi68x/a_beautiful_blonde_is_driving_down_the_highway/
%
How lonely are you?

I'm so lonely I go to the batting cages to play catch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awi65b/how_lonely_are_you/
%
How many "suh dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None fam, its already lit, aha suh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awi5z8/how_many_suh_dudes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awi5p2/whats_the_difference_between_a_guy_dying_on_a/
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I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go into the hole if it comes within 4 inches.

Note to self: Don't carry them in your back pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awi5if/i_invented_a_new_golf_ball_that_will/
%
(True story, for what it’s worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.

“Like the Spanish Armada?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said and I shook my head in disbelief.
“Well,” I sighed. “At least he isn’t called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awi5ga/true_story_for_what_its_worth_my_neighbour_has_a/
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What did Zenyatta(From Overwatch) say to the Dominoes clerk

Make me one with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awi0h7/what_did_zenyattafrom_overwatch_say_to_the/
%
My doctor told me that I may die due to diabetes

At least that's a sweet way to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhzsn/my_doctor_told_me_that_i_may_die_due_to_diabetes/
%
My parents used to make me walk the plank..

..we couldnt afford a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhzde/my_parents_used_to_make_me_walk_the_plank/
%
Whats red and white and sits in a tree?

A sanitary owl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhyjh/whats_red_and_white_and_sits_in_a_tree/
%
My uncle once got his DeLorean up to 88 mph, and ended up 30 years in the future.

That's how long he got for hitting all those people at the bus stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhy9v/my_uncle_once_got_his_delorean_up_to_88_mph_and/
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Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused anesthesia for his root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhy8t/did_you_hear_about_the_buddhist_monk_who_refused/
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What do you call someone who wants to hate themself, but can't

I'm looking for new userflair ideas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhwzh/what_do_you_call_someone_who_wants_to_hate/
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The worst joke on the planet.

I bought a playstation 4.
The Xbox 1 X broke it.
SO I called the ambulance
The sound it made  was
***WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awht6v/the_worst_joke_on_the_planet/
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A Level Physics lmao

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields so much more handsome than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields are repulsive sometimes, but Gravitational Fields are always attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhrih/a_level_physics_lmao/
%
The FBI had an open position for an assassin

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhq8w/the_fbi_had_an_open_position_for_an_assassin/
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I heard a rumor that the next Legend of Zelda game is to be set in a Hyrule version of Spain. No one believes me

They don’t expect a Spanish Link decision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhp9q/i_heard_a_rumor_that_the_next_legend_of_zelda/
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I used to be really indecisive...

Now I'm not so sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhmnq/i_used_to_be_really_indecisive/
%
when I was just a little girl I asked my mother what will I be will I be pretty? will I be rich? hear what she said to me.

SON WE NEED TO TALK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhmgj/when_i_was_just_a_little_girl_i_asked_my_mother/
%
My son recently asked me why those 2 doggies were playing piggyback.

I said one is sick and the other is pushing him to the hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhlyu/my_son_recently_asked_me_why_those_2_doggies_were/
%
A man finally got engaged to his dream woman. Eager to show off his new fiance, he took her to his home town.

Upon arrival, he approached his mother and said, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.”
Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the man walked in the door with three girls following behind him.
Without a moment’s hesitation the mother pointed to the man’s fiance and said, “It’s that one.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the man. “How in the world did you know it was her?”
The mother shrugged, “I just don’t like her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhjx3/a_man_finally_got_engaged_to_his_dream_woman/
%
What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?

Politicians won't pay $500 to have a kidney bean on their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhj8n/whats_the_difference_between_a_kidney_bean_and_a/
%
What is the difference between the War on Drugs and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 50 years.   (Nixon declared it in 1971)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhhka/what_is_the_difference_between_the_war_on_drugs/
%
Little Johnny is in Catholic School

The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"
Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."
Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."
Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning."
The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this.
Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhh3d/little_johnny_is_in_catholic_school/
%
Only America’s dogs have 4 feet.

Dogs all over the rest of the world have 1.22 meters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhgyj/only_americas_dogs_have_4_feet/
%
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body...

i am so polite i only look at the covered parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhgq4/when_wearing_a_bikini_women_reveal_90_of_their/
%
I passed my kidney stones with flying colors!

But mostly red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhdgj/i_passed_my_kidney_stones_with_flying_colors/
%
It's innapropriate to make dad jokes if you're not a father

It's a faux pa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhd1l/its_innapropriate_to_make_dad_jokes_if_youre_not/
%
What do you call a lady with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhcql/what_do_you_call_a_lady_with_one_leg_shorter_than/
%
Got into a fight with the man who was repairing my chimney. After a while he realized he was in the wrong so he told me:

“Next chimney is on the house”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhc43/got_into_a_fight_with_the_man_who_was_repairing/
%
Jerry Seinfeld at a Poker game:

“What’s the deal?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhbb6/jerry_seinfeld_at_a_poker_game/
%
How does Mario talk to the dead?

With his Luigi board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhau7/how_does_mario_talk_to_the_dead/
%
Tomorrow I learned...

How to speak in the future tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awhany/tomorrow_i_learned/
%
Taped 4 pictures of Matthew Broderick to each of my rims.

Now I have Ferris Wheels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awha05/taped_4_pictures_of_matthew_broderick_to_each_of/
%
Who won the 1940 Tour de France?

The 7th Panzer division

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awh9c3/who_won_the_1940_tour_de_france/
%
Somebody help me practice rock paper scissors, I suck. Ill go first.

ROCK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awh990/somebody_help_me_practice_rock_paper_scissors_i/
%
Suddenly I hear classical music coming from a grave, sounds like its being played backwards?

“Oh, that’s just Beethoven decomposing”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awh8sk/suddenly_i_hear_classical_music_coming_from_a/
%
I bought a racehorse today, I called it “My Face”

I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want  a bunch of people shouting “Come on my face”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awh3uv/i_bought_a_racehorse_today_i_called_it_my_face/
%
Son, you are adopted.

Son: I knew it! I want to meet my real parents.
Dad: No, we are your real parents. Go pack your shit, your new parents are here in 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awh31a/son_you_are_adopted/
%
Why does Ken never have sex with Barbie?

Because he comes in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awh2k1/why_does_ken_never_have_sex_with_barbie/
%
An American, a Japanese, and a Filipino are relaxing along the upper board of a cruise ship.

All of a sudden, the American throws his iPhone to the ocean.
The Japanese, suprised, asked the American, "Why throw iPhone?"
The American replied, "Don't worry man, there are lots of iPhone in the states."
The Filipino mumbled, "Wow, what a waste."
The Japanese went to his quarter, took out his laptop, then throws it to the ocean.
The American, to his surprise, asked the Japanese, "Hey, why did you do that?"
The Japanese replied, "No worry! In Japan, we have many raputappu."
The Filipino mumbled again, "Damn this rich motherfucker. He could have given the laptop to me instead."
A few moments later, a Korean guy approached them and said hi. Suddenly, the Filipino pushed the Korean out of the ship into the ocean. The Japanese and American are both surprised but before anyone could speak out, the Filipino said, "Don't worry, der are lats op Korean in da Pilipins."
Note:
Sorry for grammar, English is not my native language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgz17/an_american_a_japanese_and_a_filipino_are/
%
So which knee is hurting Walt?

Walt: “Disney”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgx4p/so_which_knee_is_hurting_walt/
%
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for

But I never got a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgwtc/i_asked_10_people_what_lgbt_stands_for/
%
“My love for you is like diarrhea”.

“I cant hold it in”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgv7f/my_love_for_you_is_like_diarrhea/
%
A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.
A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a tree stump.
Suddenly they go silent as their chief assumes his seat of power, overlooking the centre.
The natives stare at him, expectantly.
The chief stares down at the pilot and booms, "DEATH, OR OOGA-BOOGA?"
The pilot is in no rush to die, and sheepishly replies, "Uhm... ooga-booga?"
The chief nods with satisfaction and decrees, "OOGA-BOOGA!!"
The natives go absolutely berserk, screaming and hollering, and the pilot twists around just in time to see the crowd parting to make way for the biggest man he has ever seen.
A native, built like a troll, wearing only a goat-skin that barely covers his enormous member, bursts through into the clearing, with an brutish air of malevolence.
His focus finds the pilot, who he promptly ties to the tree stump, and proceeds to sodomise within an inch of his life, to the spectacle of the chief and natives.
After the terrible ordeal, he is left there to be harassed by the natives for the night as they make a fire and feast in honour of their chief.
He finally loses consciousness again, only to wake up early the next afternoon to a similar congregation, minus the troll-like brute.
The crowd has once again gone quiet, and is awaiting word from their chief, and the pilot fears what is about to come.
"DEATH, OR OOGA-BOOGA?" demands the chief once more.
The pilot, still traumatised and injured, has lost his will to live, and cries out, "DEATH!!"
The chief nods slowly, rises out of his throne and raises his arms, tilting his face to the sky,
"DEATH!"
...
"BY OOGA-BOOGA!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awguih/a_pilot_encounters_engine_trouble_during_a_storm/
%
I just dropped the joint I was rolling

It really doobie like that sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgtqz/i_just_dropped_the_joint_i_was_rolling/
%
I told my ex that she had drawn her eyebrows on too low today

She just scowled at me the entire time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgtll/i_told_my_ex_that_she_had_drawn_her_eyebrows_on/
%
(Nsfw) What did Donald Duck do with his butt plug?

Rammed it in his butt quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgt6h/nsfw_what_did_donald_duck_do_with_his_butt_plug/
%
I tell myself everyday that I should stop doing drugs.

But I’m not  listening to a weirdo who is high all the time and talks to himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgsr2/i_tell_myself_everyday_that_i_should_stop_doing/
%
Michael Cohen's new book ends the same way as Trump's stories.

At chapter 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgrgt/michael_cohens_new_book_ends_the_same_way_as/
%
We all can do better to help save the planet

With this in mind, i’ve just published a book on preserving the rainforest, and what we can do as a human race to help protect it.
Its over 2000 pages long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgqwe/we_all_can_do_better_to_help_save_the_planet/
%
A guy goes to Ikea for a job interview

“Welcome sir, nice to have you. Please assemble that chair over there and take a seat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgquj/a_guy_goes_to_ikea_for_a_job_interview/
%
How do you order wine at an African Restaurant?

Ask for the Somalian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgptw/how_do_you_order_wine_at_an_african_restaurant/
%
Three old ladies are sitting on a bench

A flasher runs up and opens his coat.
The first woman immediately had a stroke.
The second had one only a moment later.
The third didn't because she couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgo4p/three_old_ladies_are_sitting_on_a_bench/
%
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgnn7/people_always_ask_where_i_got_my_incredibly/
%
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

“it’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.
“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgll7/david_hasselhoff_walked_into_a_bar_and_ordered_a/
%
What did the Scottish woman do when she found a trumpet buried in her garden?

She had to root-e-toot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgkyr/what_did_the_scottish_woman_do_when_she_found_a/
%
How do you stop an argument between a group of deaf people?

Turn the lights off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awggtl/how_do_you_stop_an_argument_between_a_group_of/
%
I generally consider myself a modest and humble person.

It's what makes me so fucking awesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awggb2/i_generally_consider_myself_a_modest_and_humble/
%
My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awgflu/my_dad_gave_me_money_to_pay_the_electricity_bill/
%
For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...

My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.
Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awg7dz/for_anybody_who_doesnt_believe_vaccines_cause/
%
Yo mamma is so fat

She got arrested for deforestation because she went vegan for lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awg3v1/yo_mamma_is_so_fat/
%
I was taking the piss out of a man wearing a ridiculas wig today...

...he had the last laugh though.
Sentenced me to 3 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awg3nd/i_was_taking_the_piss_out_of_a_man_wearing_a/
%
Warning to the person who stole my glasses.

I have contacts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awg36i/warning_to_the_person_who_stole_my_glasses/
%
A recent study has shown that almost 92% of anti-vaxers are republican.

guess that problem solves itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awg2hg/a_recent_study_has_shown_that_almost_92_of/
%
I hate cocaine

I just like the way it smells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awfyyf/i_hate_cocaine/
%
If life were an ice cream flavour

It’d be rocky road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awfuvv/if_life_were_an_ice_cream_flavour/
%
What't the difference between the Jonas Brothers and my parents.

The Jonas Brothers came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awfp40/whatt_the_difference_between_the_jonas_brothers/
%
Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump Thump Thump’
He turns round, and to his horror, he sees a coffin on the street moving towards him.
‘Thump Thump’
Thinking he's had FAR too much to drink he keeps walking.
‘Thump Thump Thump’
Now it's gaining on him, so he decides to run for it. He gets to his door panicking trying to get the key in the lock as the coffin is coming, eventually he gets the door open closes & bolts it behind him and collapses on the sofa.
A few seconds later, and
CRASH
The coffin has burst it's way through the front door knocking it off it’s hinges. Terrified he dodges round the coffin runs up the stairs, thinking there's no way the coffin can follow him there. Then he hears
‘Thump Thump Thump Thump’
The coffin is slowly hopping up the stairs, relentless in it's pursuit.
The man runs into the bathroom and locks the door behind him.
Next thing he hears is CRASH
The coffin comes through the door knocking it off it’s hinges and
it slowly moves towards him, the coffin lid now creaking open and shut as it approaches. In desperation the man grabs the first thing he sees which is a can of Gillette shaving foam and throws it at the coffin, the coffin keeps coming.
Then he grabs a bar of Imperial Leather Soap throws that too, The coffin keeps coming.
Finally, just before it reaches him, he grabs a bottle of Venos cough medicine and throws it at the coffin &
The coffin stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awfo3j/ok_this_is_a_groaner_so_i_expect_down_votes/
%
What do rich parents tell their infants?

Gucci Gucci goo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awfnlo/what_do_rich_parents_tell_their_infants/
%
My son spoke his first words to me today he said....

Where have you been in the last 25 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awfis6/my_son_spoke_his_first_words_to_me_today_he_said/
%
Women shouldn’t have kids after 35

that’s way too many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awfi2m/women_shouldnt_have_kids_after_35/
%
Why do the toilets at the border only have pissoirs?

Because they are duty free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awfaz6/why_do_the_toilets_at_the_border_only_have/
%
Photons from a rainbow hit you at almost 300 million m/s and you don’t even flinch

I guess they are pretty light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awfa6c/photons_from_a_rainbow_hit_you_at_almost_300/
%
When people tell me to stop acting like a flamingo...

...that’s when I put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awf9h0/when_people_tell_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
%
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

"You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awf55a/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_martinus/
%
A programmer's wife is having a baby.

The doctor hands over the baby to the dad. The mom asks: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer responds: "Yes, that's true".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awf4aq/a_programmers_wife_is_having_a_baby/
%
My Friend says that they can get 10 times more girls than me

Jokes on them.... 10 x 0=0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awf2hs/my_friend_says_that_they_can_get_10_times_more/
%
A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!”  So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well.  The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing!  The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and then asks, “Where did you find him?” “Well,” says the man, “I found this magic lamp.” Goes back in to the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp.  “I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness.”  “Wow,” says the barman. The man then says, “As you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp.” “Be careful what you wish for though.” So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish………  Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!!  The barman shouts at the man saying,“ I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!” To this the man replies, “ And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awf22r/a_man_walks_in_to_a_bar_with_a_box_under_his_arm/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awf0el/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
Yo momma is so stupid...

... she single-handedly became a threat to literally millions of people by deciding not to vaccinate you or your siblings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awexpz/yo_momma_is_so_stupid/
%
Substitute English teacher

An English class for slower students was going through the dictionary as a months-long project, and is hoping to finish “S” soon.
One day the teacher, Mrs Smith, was about to move on to the next page. “Okay, the first word for today is s-“
She stopped mid sentence, froze up with her eyes bulging, and promptly keeled over dead as a doorknob.
The class and staff were shocked and distraught. But with the exams coming soon, they had to move on.
The next day, Mrs Johnson, a substitute teacher was selected to move on to that new page when she again collapsed and died within minutes.
And so it went for the next teacher, Mrs Mona.
Fearing a sort of curse, the headmistress asks for a teacher brave enough to volunteer taking the class.
Without hesitation a new teacher, Mr Lee, volunteers.
“Alright class, it looks like you’ve been stuck here for some time. Let’s see what this next word is. The first word for today is...”
The class holds their breath-
“... ‘sorry’. Can anyone tell me how you should use it?”
Immediately after the lesson, the headmistress summons Mr Lee to her office.
“How did you know you weren’t going to die?”
“Easy,” replied Mr Lee. “The previous teachers were all married women, and we all know that a married woman would rather die than say ‘sorry’.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aweslp/substitute_english_teacher/
%
Dad was a bit mad and cussed me out about the socks I bought him for his birthday present this year.

I said, "You bastard, it's the thought that counts."
I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awesl9/dad_was_a_bit_mad_and_cussed_me_out_about_the/
%
What do you call a droid that takes the long way round?

R2 Detour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awep3a/what_do_you_call_a_droid_that_takes_the_long_way/
%
Knock knock

who's there
mango
mango who?
mango fuck yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aweiko/knock_knock/
%
Almost a Knock-Knock joke

In 1967, Joe Wallace, the inventor of the Knock-Knock joke, was awarded a ...No Bell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awei5m/almost_a_knockknock_joke/
%
My yoga instructor said I could start her class at 3pm or 4pm.

She was very flexible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aweg7k/my_yoga_instructor_said_i_could_start_her_class/
%
How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awef1y/how_does_an_attorney_sleep/
%
A group of psychiatrists went skating

Many Freudians slipped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awe9eu/a_group_of_psychiatrists_went_skating/
%
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"
Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awe9a5/a_young_law_student_having_failed_his_law_exam/
%
What does a chemist say when he comes out of the closet for being bisexual?

Iodine, Americium, Bismuth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awe6oe/what_does_a_chemist_say_when_he_comes_out_of_the/
%
What is the fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Turn off the lights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awe0l6/what_is_the_fastest_way_to_stop_an_argument/
%
Caitlyn Jenner

So Caitlyn Jenner is trans, but is still a Republican.
Can you believe the balls on that woman?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awdy39/caitlyn_jenner/
%
I accidentally bought a broken Nintendo console

I had to get a Wiifund

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awdxk5/i_accidentally_bought_a_broken_nintendo_console/
%
Do you remember blowing bubbles back when you were a kid?

He's back in town and asked for your number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awdv4g/do_you_remember_blowing_bubbles_back_when_you/
%
the barbershop

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a Twinkie. While she\`s eating, she walks over and stands right next to the barber\`s chair.
The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you\`re gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
"I know," the little girl replies. "I\`m gonna get boobies, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awduqb/the_barbershop/
%
another french joke

Why does the new French navy have glass-bottomed boats?
So they can see the old French navy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awdt9d/another_french_joke/
%
To the handicapped guy who stole my purse,

you can hide but you can’t run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awdq96/to_the_handicapped_guy_who_stole_my_purse/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping?

Don’t worry, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awdk3s/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping/
%
A priest and a rabbi are strolling down the city together one evening when they spot a little boy wandering down an alley...

The priest says “Let’s fuck him!”  The rabbi says, “Out of what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awdjch/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_strolling_down_the_city/
%
What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels

Jack Daniels is still killing indians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awdiff/whats_the_difference_between_john_wayne_and_jack/
%
An old cowboy

walks into a barbershop in Dillon, Montana for a
shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little
wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have
happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awdi2s/an_old_cowboy/
%
There was a scientist who was frozen to absolute zero.

Don’t worry, he was 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awdglp/there_was_a_scientist_who_was_frozen_to_absolute/
%
What do you call two transgender midgets making out?

Micro transaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awdfr3/what_do_you_call_two_transgender_midgets_making/
%
What do you call a chicken looking at a piece of lettuce?

Chicken caeser salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awdc6e/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_looking_at_a_piece_of/
%
If I had to wrestle Satan and was allowed to pick a partner, I’d pick Bob Ross

He always knew how to beat the devil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awdbiq/if_i_had_to_wrestle_satan_and_was_allowed_to_pick/
%
What do you call someone sexually attracted to plants?

A Chloro-phile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awd9kf/what_do_you_call_someone_sexually_attracted_to/
%
What do you call a pig with a skin disease?

Hogwarts..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awd91s/what_do_you_call_a_pig_with_a_skin_disease/
%
If Hitler was a rapper, he would make the best diss tracks.

He was good at roasting people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awd8wj/if_hitler_was_a_rapper_he_would_make_the_best/
%
A farmer was looking for a new rooster as his old one after many years of faithful service had finally passed on.

When he told his neighbouring farmer about the problem he said "I have just the rooster for you , but I have to warn you Ron is one horny goat of a rooster". How horny can a rooster be the farmer said to himself. "OK sure I'll buy him off you". When the farmer got back to the farm with Ron the rooster he said to him "OK Ron get to work". Ron went into the chicken coop and fucked every chicken within an inch of its life. The farmer was flabbergasted. Ron then went into the stables and mounted the horses and proceeded to fuck them too. The farmer was shocked. He then turned his attention to the fields and fucked the hell out of every single cow. The farmer amazed thought wow I guess he really is a horny goat. The following morning the farmer didn't hear a rooster crow or even a peep from the animals. He went out and saw all the animals sleeping from their night of debauchery. Suddenly in the distance he saw buzzards circling in the sky, fearing the worst the farmer ran to the scene where the buzzards were and saw Ron lying dead and spread eagle in the middle of the field. "Dammit Ron" he said to himself. "You've gone and fucked yourself to death". Ron slowly opened one eye looked at the farmer and pointed to the buzzards and whispered "Shhhhh they're about to land"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awd8ai/a_farmer_was_looking_for_a_new_rooster_as_his_old/
%
One you’ll never get

How do you keep a Reddit member in suspense?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awd2u2/one_youll_never_get/
%
Why did the potato drop his girlfriend?

She was hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awd2si/why_did_the_potato_drop_his_girlfriend/
%
How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awd0nl/how_do_you_break_up_two_blind_guys_fighting/
%
My friends laughed at me when i told them i got a girlfriend and said she was imaginary.

Jokes on them, they are too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awcxk2/my_friends_laughed_at_me_when_i_told_them_i_got_a/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awcwgn/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
What’s the difference between an offensive joke and two dicks?

You can’t take an offensive joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awcw74/whats_the_difference_between_an_offensive_joke/
%
What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awcrsi/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Why did the liberal not want to talk to the socialist?

Because they are anti-social.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awcokr/why_did_the_liberal_not_want_to_talk_to_the/
%
Is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?

Nope, its as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awco14/is_the_fibonacci_sequence_hard_to_understand/
%
Why are Canadians so good at sports?

They always bring their eh game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awcnud/why_are_canadians_so_good_at_sports/
%
What sort of girlfriend a potato wants?

A sweet potato
Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awcmw4/what_sort_of_girlfriend_a_potato_wants/
%
Without the Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11...

We would have IX/XI instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awcm6j/without_the_arabs_we_wouldnt_have_911/
%
Why do the French claim the moon as theirs?

All the flags on the moon have turned white

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awclog/why_do_the_french_claim_the_moon_as_theirs/
%
Why are women so bad at parallel parking?

Because men have been trying to convince them that 3 inches is 6 inches since the beginning of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awciy0/why_are_women_so_bad_at_parallel_parking/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

My severely diabetic Aunt Linda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awceup/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
The Evils of Alcohol . . .

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
“How do you know this, Sister?”
“My Mother Superior told me so.”
“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”
“Don’t be ridiculous -- of course I have never taken alcohol myself”
“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”
“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”
“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.”
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”
“Oh no! It’s not that Nun again.  Is it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awc8um/the_evils_of_alcohol/
%
A joke told by Ronald Reagan

Fidel Castro had just started one of his long, boring speeches when an older man in the crowd was heard saying, "Peanuts. Popcorn. Cracker Jack."
Castro didn't break his stride but a few minutes later, a second voice was heard but with the same message, "Peanuts. Popcorn. Cracker Jack."
This time the Bearded One seemed momentarily perturbed, probably wondering why the secret police hadn't already scooped up the disrespectful cur. But he continued the speech.
A few minutes later, yet another voice chimed, "Peanuts. Popcorn. Cracker Jack."
That did it. The incensed Castro screams out, "The next person I hear say that -- well, I will personally kick his ass all the way to Miami Beach!"
At which the whole crowd erupted, "Peanuts! Popcorn! Cracker Jack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awc6b6/a_joke_told_by_ronald_reagan/
%
What’s the best beer to order at a gay bar?

IPHeeeeyyyyy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awc1de/whats_the_best_beer_to_order_at_a_gay_bar/
%
Me: My wife and I are now sleeping in different rooms.

Friend:  What do you do if you want sex?
Me:  I whistle.
Friend:  What if your wife wants sex?
Me: She comes to my door and asks me if I whistled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awc0gx/me_my_wife_and_i_are_now_sleeping_in_different/
%
What does a Jewish pirate say?

Ahoy-vay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awbzey/what_does_a_jewish_pirate_say/
%
How did vikings send secret messages

By using Norse code

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awbw2t/how_did_vikings_send_secret_messages/
%
There was a mystery involving an office worker and a small bag.

It was a brief case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awbv2g/there_was_a_mystery_involving_an_office_worker/
%
Condom expiration dates are a little misleading

because I get sick no matter when I eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awbues/condom_expiration_dates_are_a_little_misleading/
%
What will ISIS be called when they are defeated?

WASWAS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awbmp8/what_will_isis_be_called_when_they_are_defeated/
%
Why do all Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee?

Because in space, no one here use cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awbm40/why_do_all_russian_cosmonauts_only_drink_black/
%
What did one mushroom say to compliment the other mushroom?

“You’re a fungi.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awblvs/what_did_one_mushroom_say_to_compliment_the_other/
%
My wife caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked me what I was doing?

Apparently ‘heating your dinner’ wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awbhza/my_wife_caught_me_blowing_my_dick_with_the_air/
%
[NSFW] I was eating my girlfriend out when

she fell onto the floor.
She popped right back up on the bed and yelled, "FIVE SECOND RULE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awbesx/nsfw_i_was_eating_my_girlfriend_out_when/
%
What do frogs say when they’re masturbating?

Rub it.  Rub it.  Rub it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awb9d1/what_do_frogs_say_when_theyre_masturbating/
%
What do my first football game and losing my virginity have in common?

I was tired, sweaty and bloody afterwards but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awb891/what_do_my_first_football_game_and_losing_my/
%
The creator of the very first knock knock joke..

Must have won a no-bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awb6yw/the_creator_of_the_very_first_knock_knock_joke/
%
Don't you hate it when you can't find a really great joke you saw a few weeks ago that you really liked?

It makes it really hard to repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awb6um/dont_you_hate_it_when_you_cant_find_a_really/
%
Walt Disney notices a sharp pain in his knee.

He starts rubbing it, icing it, elevating it on a pillow. But over the following days it only grows worse.  He visits his doctor and reports this pain.
“Which knee is hurting you, Walt?”
The famous film producer points to his left knee.
“Disney.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awb6p6/walt_disney_notices_a_sharp_pain_in_his_knee/
%
A Native American Man Walks Into a Brothel.

So a young native American man walks into a brothel. He walks up to one of the ladies working there and says
"I want to have sex sex"
The lady then says okay and she invites him into the room in the back. Naturally, she begins to undress and get ready. She waits for him to do something but he just stands there with his pants down, staring at her.
"You ever done this before, sugar?" She says to him.
"No" He says.
"My oh my, okay. Here, tell you what. There's an old tree stump in the back of town that's got a hole in it. Why don't you practice on that and come back next week. I'll be waiting." She says.
So the man leaves and goes to the tree to practice. He comes back the next week and asks for the same girl.  She takes him to the back again, gets undressed and gets ready for him. She sits there bent over, waiting for him as he undoes his pants. Then suddenly **WHACK!** Something large hits her in the head. She turns over and sees the man holding a stick and looking at her intensely.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!" She shouts.
He then says "This time me check for bees."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awb42l/a_native_american_man_walks_into_a_brothel/
%
I told my boss he better give me a raise because three other companies were currently after me. He didn’t believe me and asked which ones.

“Gas, electric, and water.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awb14c/i_told_my_boss_he_better_give_me_a_raise_because/
%
I watched all of Game of Thrones back to back with the girlfriend,

Fortunately I was the one facing the TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awavrj/i_watched_all_of_game_of_thrones_back_to_back/
%
What’s the difference between a nicely dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

...attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awavd4/whats_the_difference_between_a_nicely_dressed_man/
%
If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.
NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awav58/if_you_drop_your_phone_in_water_you_should_place/
%
did i ever tell you about the time that i was contacted by a former partner who was working in italy via the money transfer service i was using?

I was not ready when my ex communicated by the paypal authority

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awarqk/did_i_ever_tell_you_about_the_time_that_i_was/
%
A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She hears the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the fuck off now--cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours and think about what you've done."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stops and the mother hears her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat."
As the mother begins to smile, the child adds, "For those of you pissed about the two hour delay, please see the cunt in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awaiic/a_few_days_after_christmas_a_mother_was_working/
%
Whats the difference between a repeated joke and an original joke on reddit?

You would have read one before, but the other you wouldn't have Reddit yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awahbp/whats_the_difference_between_a_repeated_joke_and/
%
What is Forrest Gump password

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awaf8y/what_is_forrest_gump_password/
%
Why are leprosy jokes hard to tell?

Because the delivery tends to fall apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awaezy/why_are_leprosy_jokes_hard_to_tell/
%
I used to be overweight.

A few years ago, I was waiting in line at a bank.  There was a mother and her little boy in line behind me. The little boy asked, "Hey Mister, how come you are so fat?"
I looked at him and replied, "Well, every time I fu\*\*ed your mother, she gave me a Cookie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awabzz/i_used_to_be_overweight/
%
Sam could sing six magic note

when he sang the seventh he blew up. Do you know why?
Samsung note 7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awa6l4/sam_could_sing_six_magic_note/
%
What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awa62f/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_man_and_a/
%
The Sahara Desert drifts into a bar and the bartender says,

"Long time no sea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/awa3ai/the_sahara_desert_drifts_into_a_bar_and_the/
%
Been getting strange looks from my coworkers today.

Guess I better put my pants back on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw9zsa/been_getting_strange_looks_from_my_coworkers_today/
%
What do you call a rich Muslim Man?

The Profit Muhummad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw9ymo/what_do_you_call_a_rich_muslim_man/
%
What do you call a second-hand prostitute?

An after-thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw9wsj/what_do_you_call_a_secondhand_prostitute/
%
What do you call complications during chidbirth

A midwife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw9tyh/what_do_you_call_complications_during_chidbirth/
%
Yo momma is so vegan and fat...

..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw9s8u/yo_momma_is_so_vegan_and_fat/
%
What’s big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw9ozj/whats_big_green_fuzzy_and_if_it_fell_out_of_a/
%
A worker was on a billboard.

He was putting up a new ad for the restaurant below it. This restaurant had come up with a clever new ad campaign and the worker was proud to be a part of it.
However, people started yelling at the worker from the ground, complaining that he was doing the restaurant a disservice with the ad he was placing up. He couldn't figure out why. Maybe there was something offensive about the ad that someone didn't catch beforehand, and here it was displayed on a giant billboard for all passersby to see.
Later, the worker met up with the manager of the restaurant and told him about the dilemma. "I think you might have made something a little more offensive than you intended," he said. "Nonsense," replied the manager. "The ad campaign has been test-run by executives, and every single one of them has given us the green light."
"So why were there so many people complaining about the ad while I was putting it up?" asked the worker.
"Oh, that's natural," the manager answered. "We've posted a similar ad campaign up there in the past, and a lot of people around here like to complain about reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw9lkn/a_worker_was_on_a_billboard/
%
I had to go to my Grandmother's funeral yesterday...

...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.
My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw9hfw/i_had_to_go_to_my_grandmothers_funeral_yesterday/
%
I noticed at my bookstore that the "Kama Sutra" and "The Art of the Deal" are both in the erotica section

According to the bookstore, "The Art of the Deal" has people getting screwed in a lot more positions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw9h0o/i_noticed_at_my_bookstore_that_the_kama_sutra_and/
%
My jokes are like smallpox. It's a killer.

But no one gets it anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw9fis/my_jokes_are_like_smallpox_its_a_killer/
%
Started my job at the dildo factory today, and I can now tell you all, women want one thing.

And it’s unrealistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw9adt/started_my_job_at_the_dildo_factory_today_and_i/
%
I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers...

But I just Kant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw995v/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_18th_century/
%
How do you talk to the ghost of a window washer?

With a Squeegee Board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw97b7/how_do_you_talk_to_the_ghost_of_a_window_washer/
%
G Spot

A friend of mine opened a strip club called “The G-Spot”
It closed after a week as most men couldn’t find it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw96tq/g_spot/
%
I had a girlfriend who thought certain tastes and smells could cause her to orgasm.

Then she came to her senses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw8yvc/i_had_a_girlfriend_who_thought_certain_tastes_and/
%
How do you give peta a colonoscopy?

Enter any way you like, they’re assholes all around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw8xgq/how_do_you_give_peta_a_colonoscopy/
%
I made a vinyl disc with grooves in 2 minutes.

I think that's a record.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw8x8n/i_made_a_vinyl_disc_with_grooves_in_2_minutes/
%
I can never remember where Prague is...

I always have to Czech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw8x5z/i_can_never_remember_where_prague_is/
%
“But Quasimodo, what makes you think you need to see a chiropractor?”

“Oh, it’s just a hunch...”
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw8wzu/but_quasimodo_what_makes_you_think_you_need_to/
%
What does a homeless person do when using a PC for the first time?

He searches through the trash bin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw8u93/what_does_a_homeless_person_do_when_using_a_pc/
%
What chemicals are best for keeping men away?

Deter-gents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw8tkp/what_chemicals_are_best_for_keeping_men_away/
%
The family cow

A poor family had a cow. When the time came they were going to sell it and have money to prosper with. It was going to be worth a lot. But until then they replied on the milk.
One day the farmer woke up and seen the cow was mutilated. Blood and guts everywhere. He freaked out knowing that this was the end. He pulled out a gun and shot himself.
The commotion woke up his family and his wife came running in the barn. She seem her dead husband and the cow. She was pissed thinking he shot the cow and got worried. She hung herself.
Their daughter came running out and seen the wreckage and took off running for help but tripped and hit her head on a rock, instantly killing her.
The boy ran out seen the cow. "Well dang" but he seen his dead family and freaked out. He ran down to the river and started bawling.
Then a magical fairy popped up and said "if you have sex with me, I'll rewind time a whole day so your family and cow will be alive."
He wiped away tears and said "what if i have sex with you twice?"
She laughed and said "you couldn't handle me twice"
He stood up and shouted "I bet you couldn't handle me once."
"Why's that?"
"Cause the cow couldn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw8r50/the_family_cow/
%
Sex with ghosts

A spiritualist meeting, and the leader asks the crowd, "Who here believes in ghosts?"  Most of the hands go up.  "Has anyone here seen a ghost?"  Fewer hands go up.  "Heard a ghost?"  "Smelled a ghost?"  "Touched a ghost?"  Fewer hands go up each time.  Finally, he asks "Has anyone here ever had sex with a ghost?"  One hand goes up down the back.  The leader of the meeting goes, "Come up to the stage, we want to hear about your experience."  The man comes up to the stage, and is asked, "So, what's it like to have sex with a ghost?"  And he replies, "Sorry, I was down the back so I didn't hear you properly, I thought you said goat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw8oei/sex_with_ghosts/
%
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.

Do you know how to drive this thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw8mrk/two_goldfish_were_sitting_in_a_tank_at_one_point/
%
Antivax kid in the pool

Marco!
Polio!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw8lba/antivax_kid_in_the_pool/
%
I’m trying to make a meme on breaking bedrock in Minecraft

But it’s way to hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw8cwk/im_trying_to_make_a_meme_on_breaking_bedrock_in/
%
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw8bys/why_do_french_tanks_have_rearview_mirrors/
%
What did the Power Ranger say when he got to the Hospital?

It's morphine time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw89ob/what_did_the_power_ranger_say_when_he_got_to_the/
%
What did the O say to the Q?

Bro, your dicks hanging out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw84fq/what_did_the_o_say_to_the_q/
%
How do you tell the difference between a teacher and a Chemist?

You ask them to pronounce "Unionized"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw830q/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_teacher/
%
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because its P is silent.
Credit: I had lunch at school with my 7 year old today and one of his buddies supplied that gem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw82v3/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
Why didn’t melon run away to get married?

Because It cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw81gn/why_didnt_melon_run_away_to_get_married/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw7xkc/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw7w4l/attending_a_wedding_for_the_first_time_a_little/
%
I tell everyone I can about the health benefits of eating dried grapes.

It's all about raisin awareness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw7ucz/i_tell_everyone_i_can_about_the_health_benefits/
%
my son is going to prison...

i appreciate the visit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw7tla/my_son_is_going_to_prison/
%
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves the one who had trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying 'no way buddy my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a damn whorehouse.
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'how about you?'
Obama replied 'go ahead my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw7t6j/donald_trump_and_barack_obama_somehow_ended_up_at/
%
I run an Antiques shop with my wife

One day, as I'm in the middle of haggling with an elderly customer over a cracked 18th century vase, my wife runs in, flustered, and exclaims: "Quick! Come outside and see what these bastards are doing!".
Confused, I apologise to the patron and follow her outside to see a group of workmen in the process of completing a sign above the shop adjacent to my own reading:
"Best Antiques in Town"
Grumbling to myself, I tell my wife to finish her errands and reluctantly continue my day.
After a week of seeing customers walk past my shop and into the neighbouring one, I decide that enough is enough and storm into their shop to demand they take their sign down. With a shit-eating grin, the shop owner tells me his antiques really are the best in town, and that my wife and I should suck it up or find another town to sell in.
The next day, after locking up my shop, I see another group of workmen setting up a sign above the shop on the other side to my own. Furious, I return home and tell my wife what I saw: "and you'll never guess what it says", I told her:
"Cheapest Antiques in Town"
"How many bloody antique sellers are there in this town!?" she exclaimed, "they're going to put us out of business!" she cried, visibly upset.
After another week of losing customers to the shops on either side, I figure it's worth a try to see if they'll take their sign down. The second shop owner, with the same shit-eating grin, tells me: "You're as old as the antiques you sell, it's time to make room for the young sellers" and tells me to leave.
After coming home to my distraught wife I tell her that I've had an idea to fix the situation. After making a few phone calls I head to bed with a smile on my face.
The next week, my shop is bustling with people and as I'm in the middle of haggling with another elderly customer over a broken piece of Elizabethan jewellery, a workman interrupts me and tells me that he's finished. Apologising to the patron, I step outside and look up at my new sign. A shit-eating grin appears on my face as I read it:
"Entrance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw7qwc/i_run_an_antiques_shop_with_my_wife/
%
What is a lesbian’s favorite alcohol?

It doesn’t matter. They just like a good hard liquor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw7lre/what_is_a_lesbians_favorite_alcohol/
%
While performing I asked the crowd to give me a hand.

When I was given a hand, I realised I should have thought twice about performing at the Leper Colony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw7li2/while_performing_i_asked_the_crowd_to_give_me_a/
%
I’m so sick of millennials and their attitudes...

Always walking around like they rent the place!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw7hmq/im_so_sick_of_millennials_and_their_attitudes/
%
What do you call a man that can suck his own dick?

Full of himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw7d5b/what_do_you_call_a_man_that_can_suck_his_own_dick/
%
I asked the caveman if he wanted to play poker

He said:
"Deal, me in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw76q5/i_asked_the_caveman_if_he_wanted_to_play_poker/
%
A Scottish lass inquired to a man wearing a kilt "Is it true what that say about what's underneath a man's kilt?"

"Place your hand beneath and see for yourself' replied he.  She obliged and cried out "Sir, that's gruesome!"  He said "If you place your hand back again, you'll find it's gruesome more!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw74up/a_scottish_lass_inquired_to_a_man_wearing_a_kilt/
%
Never trust a baby with a full diaper

They're full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw74dl/never_trust_a_baby_with_a_full_diaper/
%
I always insist on banging my girlfriend from behind.

That way I don't have to see the look of disappointment on her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw74ay/i_always_insist_on_banging_my_girlfriend_from/
%
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins

Excited, I was about to run indoors to tell the wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw74a3/i_was_digging_in_our_garden_and_found_a_chest/
%
Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."
"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting's is Melania's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw72dq/trump_was_out_walking_on_a_beautiful_snowy_day/
%
What did the nazi and the ex-stripper have in common?

They both hated the Poles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw7051/what_did_the_nazi_and_the_exstripper_have_in/
%
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

Pitbull on the playground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw6wab/what_has_4_legs_and_1_arm/
%
Mommy, why do I get Christmas presents in August?

Mom: They are cheaper than chemotherapy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw6v4r/mommy_why_do_i_get_christmas_presents_in_august/
%
Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?

Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw6uey/grandpa_why_dont_you_have_life_insurance/
%
How do you get gold’s attention?

“Aayyyy yoouuu!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw6u99/how_do_you_get_golds_attention/
%
What dance move catches everyone by surprise?

The Plot Twist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw6u1b/what_dance_move_catches_everyone_by_surprise/
%
There's a new dating app out there for pirates.

It's called Shiver Me Tindrs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw6trv/theres_a_new_dating_app_out_there_for_pirates/
%
What do you say to a female that studied gender science?

Could I have the burger with fries please?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw6tbl/what_do_you_say_to_a_female_that_studied_gender/
%
A man arrives with a lot of items at the cash

Cashier: Wanna box for those?
Man: Can't we settle this peacefully?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw6q3p/a_man_arrives_with_a_lot_of_items_at_the_cash/
%
Due to all the scandals, the Trump administration has decided to stop using emails.

They’ll use alternative fax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw6ojo/due_to_all_the_scandals_the_trump_administration/
%
When Beethoven started composing music, people said he wouldn't amount to anything because he was deaf

Fortunately,  he didn't listen to the critics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw6o20/when_beethoven_started_composing_music_people/
%
My parents spin a world globe and randomly point out their next vacation destination.

That's how they drowned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw6hh8/my_parents_spin_a_world_globe_and_randomly_point/
%
Why I don’t trust joggers?

Well, they are usually the ones to find the dead bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw6fo8/why_i_dont_trust_joggers/
%
What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,
We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:
Illegal Downloading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw6egk/what_is_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw6dta/my_attractive_female_neighbor_is_completely/
%
What did the policeman shout when he caught seafood thieves red-handed?

NOBODY MOVE A MUSCLE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw655e/what_did_the_policeman_shout_when_he_caught/
%
They say stealth planes make your radar signature smaller, so you show up to the radar just like a small bird

"Sir, we think we've spotted a pigeon on the radar screen."
"Well what's unusual about that?"
"Well the pigeon is flying at about mach 2."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw5zky/they_say_stealth_planes_make_your_radar_signature/
%
I thought about having a threesome...

But then I realized that if i wanted to disappoint two people at the same time, I should just have dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw5yhj/i_thought_about_having_a_threesome/
%
What does a flower watch when it is home alone?

Pollination videos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw5vo6/what_does_a_flower_watch_when_it_is_home_alone/
%
The Avengers and Deadpool....

For once, the Avengers and the Deadpool decide to team up and destroy a H.Y.D.R.A. base.
While trying to infiltrate the base they encounter a room, which leads them to a vault containing some files. Deadpool says he is the strongest, so he shall break all walls. Thor days his lightning can destroy all the four within no time. They keep arguing back and forth.  So They decide to break a wall each.
First up, Cap destroys the first wall with his shield.
Tony says " that's all you have got Cap?" and breaks the second wall using rockets.
Thor summons the second biggest lightning and destroyed the third one.
Now, everybody is waiting for Dead pool to break the  fourth wall.
He simply asks " Am I the punch line to this joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw5vcw/the_avengers_and_deadpool/
%
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote “Revelations 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it to the door.
When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: “Genesis 3:10”.
When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.
Revelations 3:20 reads “behold, I stand at the door and knock”. Genesis 3:10 says, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw5sjc/a_new_pastor_was_visiting_the_homes_of_his/
%
How much is your height

Indian:- My height is 167cms
European :- My height is 182.5 cms
American :- My height is 1/3675  of a Football field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw5jvp/how_much_is_your_height/
%
A woman wants to lose some weight

A woman wanted to lose weight so she joined a gym. She hired the best personal trainer the gym had.
After a few months of working out with him she still had not lost any weight. The trainer believed it was because she was still eating unhealthy at home. He suggested she hire a nutritionist to make her a meal plan.
Another few months pass and she still had not lost any weight despite the trainer and the nutritionist. The trainer had only one drastic way to help her lose the weight.
He suggested she go on vacation to Britain for a week and gamble. She went and came back a week later still having lost no weight. Completely defeated she said “There’s no way I’ll ever lose this weight.”
The trainer replied, “What are you talking about you lost 500 pounds!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw5jcl/a_woman_wants_to_lose_some_weight/
%
What do you call Cleopatra when she’s depressed?

The Queen of Denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw5fl2/what_do_you_call_cleopatra_when_shes_depressed/
%
If A is for apples and B is for bananas, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw5bkr/if_a_is_for_apples_and_b_is_for_bananas_what_is_c/
%
Why did the chicken return to the buffet?

To get to the other sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw58v3/why_did_the_chicken_return_to_the_buffet/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me.

So i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw583k/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me/
%
Apparently Donald Trump gets sent, on average, two dog shits in the mail every week.

All I want to know is, who’s sending the other one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw55z9/apparently_donald_trump_gets_sent_on_average_two/
%
My sister wanted me to give her something hard to write on...

I don't even know why she became so mad. It's pretty damn hard to write on sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw55jd/my_sister_wanted_me_to_give_her_something_hard_to/
%
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad

He wanted to be a millionaire too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw4yjg/i_would_like_to_be_a_millionaire_just_like_my_dad/
%
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw4ycj/maria_a_devout_catholic_got_married_and_had_15/
%
Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do
a DNA test.
She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.
Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had wet its diapers and you said, "Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."
That's when I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.🤔

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw4xbx/never_give_a_man_a_job_that_doesnt_belong_to_him/
%
What's the difference between men and women after death?

Women: Ugh...I'm so bloated!
Men: I've never been *this hard* before!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw4wt8/whats_the_difference_between_men_and_women_after/
%
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.
“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.
Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work properly.
“Hmm, it looks okay,” says the server, and starts the chainsaw.
The man jumps back in shock and cries, “What’s that noise?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw4ug1/a_man_goes_to_a_tool_store_to_buy_a_chainsaw_the/
%
What is the most important part of jokes about the French revolution?

The execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw4ue8/what_is_the_most_important_part_of_jokes_about/
%
Apparently you could fold the new IPhone now

Granted, you cant use it afterwards but you could fold it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw4q60/apparently_you_could_fold_the_new_iphone_now/
%
A horse in in a pub having a few beers when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat....

The donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”
The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter.”
And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then ask the horse “Did you win anything?”
The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger and the Derby. And over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”
They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks “I really need to impress this guy…he done everything.” So he goes out and buys a big picture of a Zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.
The horse arrives and says “Lovely place you have here and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”
The donkey replies “That’s me when I played for Juventus..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw4l34/a_horse_in_in_a_pub_having_a_few_beers_when_he/
%
Why did the conjoined twins go to Great Britain?

So the other one could learn to drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw4f2v/why_did_the_conjoined_twins_go_to_great_britain/
%
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?

Because it is cheaper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw4ck9/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_in_a_company/
%
I came to a conclusion yesterday

I have a fetish for endings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw44xq/i_came_to_a_conclusion_yesterday/
%
What do the French smoke?

Oui’d

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw43m4/what_do_the_french_smoke/
%
Memory Test

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "274."
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
The third man quickly answers, "Nine."
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3zo4/memory_test/
%
I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents

because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.
I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3z45/i_was_kicked_out_of_the_house_by_my_asian_parents/
%
I use to really like phone sex

But the phones just keep getting bigger and bigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3wgp/i_use_to_really_like_phone_sex/
%
I finally plucked up enough courage to beat up the school bully.

It was a different school, and 15 years later,
but damn it felt good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3wdr/i_finally_plucked_up_enough_courage_to_beat_up/
%
What does a cyclone, flood, fire and a woman have in common?

Sooner or later one of em will get your house....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3w2r/what_does_a_cyclone_flood_fire_and_a_woman_have/
%
Why don’t we eat clocks?

It’s too time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3tj3/why_dont_we_eat_clocks/
%
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3sud/this_german_shepherd_comes_and_takes_a_shit_on_my/
%
I would never vaccinate my own child because of all the complications

Thats why I leave it to the certified medical professionals to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3qjk/i_would_never_vaccinate_my_own_child_because_of/
%
There was this guy at a bar looking at his drink but not drinking. He stayed like this for half an hour. A few minutes later, a big built truck driver walks in and sits next to him and takes the drink from the guy & gulps it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver perplexed asks the guy, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a grown ass man cry."
"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears.
"Today is the worst day of my life.
First, I overslept & was late to my office. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building and went parking area to find my car, it was stolen. The police said they can not do anything. Distraught and broken, I fetch a cab to go home, I realised I had forgotten my wallet. The cab driver just drove away. I walk to my home and as I go inside I saw my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home, came to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3qbt/there_was_this_guy_at_a_bar_looking_at_his_drink/
%
A local casino is offering marijuana infused beef to their best bettors.

That’s really high steaks for their high rollers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3mv2/a_local_casino_is_offering_marijuana_infused_beef/
%
What do you do after you eat gravel?

Sheetrock.    For those keeping track at home, yes I repurposed a sheet metal joke from a post on another sub a couple days ago but I worked in construction and this made more sense to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3lro/what_do_you_do_after_you_eat_gravel/
%
My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3kb7/my_dad_carries_around_a_piece_of_paper_where_he/
%
Think of a dark future where humanity has to take to the stars because earth is no longer inhabitable.

That's unsettling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3k02/think_of_a_dark_future_where_humanity_has_to_take/
%
I invited my boyfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope he gets the message that we’re not working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3jcj/i_invited_my_boyfriend_to_go_to_the_gym_with_me/
%
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw3ar3/on_the_first_night_of_their_honeymoon_the_new/
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I asked a young chap what his life goal was.

He said, 'To curse at people from the top of a mountain.'
'Erm,' I frowned, 'really?'
He said, 'Swear down.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw38r6/i_asked_a_young_chap_what_his_life_goal_was/
%
Watch out for the escaped horse!

He's unstable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw375s/watch_out_for_the_escaped_horse/
%
What do you call 2 fat goths?

Morbidly obese.
I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw375l/what_do_you_call_2_fat_goths/
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I was carrying my ukulele around in its case and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?"

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw36lu/i_was_carrying_my_ukulele_around_in_its_case_and/
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Today I found out my best friend Gav died of Heartburn

I can't believe Gaviscon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw35cp/today_i_found_out_my_best_friend_gav_died_of/
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Why women talk more and men think more?

Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw334k/why_women_talk_more_and_men_think_more/
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****NSFW****Little Johnny and Little Susie

One day on the playground little Johnny and little Susie were playing. Little Johnny stopped and said.
"I got something awesome wanna see?"
Little Susie said yes.
So little Johnny pulls down his pants an underwear and shows her his penis.
"My daddy says this is my penis and with this I get all the money and power and fame I could ever want."
Little Susie decides it's time to go, so she goes home and asks her mom why she doesn't have a penis. Little Susie's mom tells her about the difference between boys and girls. The next day at the playground little Johnny and little Susie are playing again when little Susie says,
"I have something awesome wanna see it?"
Little Johnny says yes. So little Susie lifts up her skirt and drops her panties and says,
"This is my vagina and my mommy says with this I can get all of those I'd ever want!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw2xwk/nsfwlittle_johnny_and_little_susie/
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Women call me Ugly until they find out how much Money I make

Then they call me Ugly and Poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw2xgb/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
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There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw2x43/there_was_an_elderly_couple_who_in_their_old_age/
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What's poisonous and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw2qi8/whats_poisonous_and_lives_off_dead_beetles/
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What do you get when you date a 28-year-old single woman?

Two Kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw2nos/what_do_you_get_when_you_date_a_28yearold_single/
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What kind of car does an Icelandic person drive?

A Fjord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw2fsp/what_kind_of_car_does_an_icelandic_person_drive/
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An ancient mathematical joke

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.
The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner.
The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw2dr7/an_ancient_mathematical_joke/
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Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it’d be a foot.
~*Badum tss*~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw2bra/why_cant_your_nose_be_12_inches_long/
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My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw27mn/my_wife_refuses_to_have_sex_with_me_until_i_stop/
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"Read" rhymes with "lead"

... and "read" rhymes with "lead", but "read" doesn't rhyme with "lead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw23ni/read_rhymes_with_lead/
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How do French people spell weed?

Oui'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw1w2r/how_do_french_people_spell_weed/
%
Words are like Babies

Nobody cares until you start throwing them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw1u7z/words_are_like_babies/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine.

With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw1ts1/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
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I dreamt of a better world for chickens everywhere.

A world where chickens could cross the road without having their motives questioned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw1t1c/i_dreamt_of_a_better_world_for_chickens_everywhere/
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What do ducks like to eat with their soup?

........Quackers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw1sf4/what_do_ducks_like_to_eat_with_their_soup/
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What is Thanos' favorite dairy product?

Half and Half

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw1rpa/what_is_thanos_favorite_dairy_product/
%
I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet

I was gonna keep it rather than return it.
But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
PS:- This was a joke cracked by Emo Philips way back in the 80s - I really loved it and wanted to share it here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw1rp7/i_was_walking_down_fifth_avenue_today_and_i_found/
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What do you call books written for cats?

Kitty Litter-ature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw1qxt/what_do_you_call_books_written_for_cats/
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The Tractor Salesman

There's a farmer and he's chilling on his stoep watching the cows and the tractor salesman shows up.
The farmer says "I have six tractors already.  One of them hardly gets used.  I think I have enough tractors."
The tractor salesman says "This is the only tractor you'll ever need."
So the tractor salesman keeps giving the farmer the hard sell, big time.  The farmer just wants the salesman to go away.  Eventually the farmer gets an idea.
The farmer says "Come with me" and he leads the salesman to barn with a big mean looking cow in it.
The farmer says "You see this cow.  I wanted to milk this cow so I got my bucket and my stool and the cow just kicked the bucket one side and the stool the other side.  So I got some rope and I tied the cows leg to the post.  The the cow kicked the bucket and the stool with her other leg.  So I got my other rope and I tied the cows leg to the other post.  Then she wacked the bucket with her tail."
"So now I didn't have anymore rope, so I took my belt off and secured the cows tail with my belt.  Then I fetched the bucket and as I was walking behind the cow my pants fell down because I didn't have a belt.  Just then my wife walked in."
"So if you can convince my wife that I wasn't trying to fuck the cow, I will buy your stupid tractor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw1oii/the_tractor_salesman/
%
Hercules had a brother who was way ballsier than he was.

Testicles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw1mxz/hercules_had_a_brother_who_was_way_ballsier_than/
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RIP Boiled Water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw1hh6/rip_boiled_water/
%
Why didn't one chef listen to the other one speak?

Because he had bigger fish to fry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw0yat/why_didnt_one_chef_listen_to_the_other_one_speak/
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More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw0xjc/more_than_half_of_26bn_19bn_in_donations_made_at/
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I went to this cool new restaurant in Vegas, the server woman came out nude with the menu painted all over her body.

She asked if I was ready to order, I said “ I know what I want, but I just can’t put my finger on it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw0wi3/i_went_to_this_cool_new_restaurant_in_vegas_the/
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A blind man is walking the busy streets of the city with the help of his guide dog...

He senses himself coming closer to a busy street with cars driving left and right beeping at each other and driving fast. The dog, urges the man to walk despite the obvious sounds of ongoing traffic. He pulls his dog back, the dog walks harder urging him to walk but the man pulls him back again even harder. He tells his dog to “sit” and starts to pet his head. A man next to him, having witness what had happened asked him “Why are you petting that dog? He tried to kill you!?” The blind man replied to him “I’m not petting him I’m trying to find his face so I can kick his ass!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw0vk9/a_blind_man_is_walking_the_busy_streets_of_the/
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I’ve never liked astronauts,

they think they’re above me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw0j2r/ive_never_liked_astronauts/
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Paedophilia

It's a cardinal sin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw0j1v/paedophilia/
%
So someone stole my mood ring

I don’t know how I feel about that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw0idr/so_someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
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A big rubber dildo hits the windshield of the family car

Daughter in the back says:  "what was that?"
Mother answers:  "nothing sweetheart.... Just a big fat bug"
Daughter replies:  "it had a huge dick though!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw0d9m/a_big_rubber_dildo_hits_the_windshield_of_the/
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You guys hear about the medication for premature ejaculation?

You can get it with expedited shipping so it should come quickly...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw0bz0/you_guys_hear_about_the_medication_for_premature/
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A monk and a priest are driving down a street in different directions. Oddly enough, they end up getting into a crash.

They both get out of their cars, infuriated that there had been a wreck.
But since both of them are men of God, they began to talk.
The priest says that it was fortunate for these two men of the cloth to have met in such a strange way.
The monk says that it was also lucky that his bottle of fine wine was left undamaged after such a great accident.
So, they decide to celebrate.
The priest ends up drinking almost all of the wine.
And just as there's about one drink left in the whole bottle, the priest asks the monk if he would like a drink.
The monk shrugs and says "No thanks, I'll just wait for the police to arrive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw09yq/a_monk_and_a_priest_are_driving_down_a_street_in/
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna ride our bicycles?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw09kj/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Do you know how to romance a country girl?

You gotta do something sexy to a tractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw097g/do_you_know_how_to_romance_a_country_girl/
%
What's the difference between the worst political party and my penis?

One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw06ms/whats_the_difference_between_the_worst_political/
%
I didn't think wearing orthopedic shoes would help

But I stand corrected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aw02z1/i_didnt_think_wearing_orthopedic_shoes_would_help/
%
So, I'm banned from the local kids playground, which I think is because of agism..

... to be fair, it was quite a lot of gism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avzww2/so_im_banned_from_the_local_kids_playground_which/
%
A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.

Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.
The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.
Officer: What is your age?
Tourist: 31 years old.
Officer: Occupation?
Tourist: No, just visiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avzrys/a_polish_police_officer_pulls_over_a_german/
%
How do you get a million followers?

You run through Africa with a water bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avzr1x/how_do_you_get_a_million_followers/
%
time machine.

I think I’ve just invented the very first-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avzr11/time_machine/
%
I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk

but I never got the chants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avzphx/i_always_wanted_to_be_a_gregorian_monk/
%
How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper.

Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avzop0/how_do_you_measure_the_mass_of_a_red_hot_chili/
%
Why do they put fences around a cemetery?

Because people are dying to get in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avzkwv/why_do_they_put_fences_around_a_cemetery/
%
What do you call a line up of dolls?

A Barbie Queue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avzd3c/what_do_you_call_a_line_up_of_dolls/
%
What is Stevie Wonder’s favorite color?

Felt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avzay9/what_is_stevie_wonders_favorite_color/
%
What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avz3wl/what_concert_costs_45_cents/
%
What does Gordon Ramsay call sex without a condom

It's fucking raw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avyx8z/what_does_gordon_ramsay_call_sex_without_a_condom/
%
A man goes into a library.....

And asks the girl at the desk," Do you have that book about small penis's?"
Girl,   "I don't think it's in yet"
Man, "yes, that's the one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avyuwh/a_man_goes_into_a_library/
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Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa.

I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avyqwo/tennessee_man_accused_of_dipping_testicles_in/
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A book never written: "When Your Dick Gets Almost Completely Severed"

Author: Peter Hanginoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avympf/a_book_never_written_when_your_dick_gets_almost/
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My wife is leaving me over my duck puns.

She couldn't stand jokes so fowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avyf11/my_wife_is_leaving_me_over_my_duck_puns/
%
My grandfather died because his medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Typo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avyccv/my_grandfather_died_because_his_medical_report/
%
Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avyc11/have_you_heard_the_news_about_corduroy_pillows/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler

sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "Ja, ich bin Adolph Hitler. I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! See? That is what i mean, no one cares about the jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avy9gg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_man_that_looks/
%
I went on shark tank to sell a mixed meat product

I offered 20% steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avy9en/i_went_on_shark_tank_to_sell_a_mixed_meat_product/
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Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avy6nx/everytime_i_go_out_to_dinner_i_pay_for_someone/
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The worst part about growing up in the south

was asking my parents for their blessing to marry their daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avy4th/the_worst_part_about_growing_up_in_the_south/
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I used to date a girl obsessed with carpentry. Finally I said, “You have to choose. It’s me or the equipment!”

She chose the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avxx2w/i_used_to_date_a_girl_obsessed_with_carpentry/
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r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members!  Come see reposts in real time!
https://discord.gg/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avxog7/rjokes_has_a_discord_and_you_need_to_join/
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So a threesome is with three people...

And a foursome is with four people.
That's why they call you handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avxmin/so_a_threesome_is_with_three_people/
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Can we ban yo mama jokes from this sub? They’re old, dumb, and have been done by everyone a hundred times.

Just like yo mama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avxi0u/can_we_ban_yo_mama_jokes_from_this_sub_theyre_old/
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What does a near sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

A wet nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avxhjg/what_does_a_near_sighted_gynecologist_and_a_dog/
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If Farmer A sells apples, and Farmer B sells bananas, what does Farmer C sell?

Medicine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avxbz3/if_farmer_a_sells_apples_and_farmer_b_sells/
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A man asks his son to go ask his mother if she would have sex with anyone in the world for $1,000,000...

The boy goes upstairs and asks his mom...
"Hey Mom, would you have sex with anyone in the world for $1,000,000?"
The mother considers it for a moment and then replies "yes, yes I would."
The son comes back and reports to his father as he exclaims "wow dad! Mom said she have sex with anyone in the world for $1,000,000!"
The father says, "now son, go upstairs and ask your sister the same question. Would you have sex with anyone in the world for $1,000,000..."
The son goes upstairs and asks his sister, "hey sis, would you have sex with anyone in the world for 1 million dollars?"
The sister considers it for a moment, nods her head and says the answer... "yes, I would have sex with anyone in the world for $1,000,000."
The little boy runs back to tell his father with amazement.
"Sis says that you would have sex with anyone in the world for $1,000,000!"
The father tells his son to have a seat.
The son sits down.
"Now son," he explains, "I'm going to teach you an important lesson about theory vs reality..."
"You see, theoretically, we're millionaires."
"But in reality, we live in a house full of whores!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avwxot/a_man_asks_his_son_to_go_ask_his_mother_if_she/
%
There's this man walking along a beach and find's a lamp washed up on the shore

He picks up the lamp and a genie pops out.
The genie says you have 3 wishes. But whatever you wish for, your ex wife will get double.
So the man thinks and get says "One million Dollars" and just like that a big bag appears with money inside of it. Then the man hears someone cheering a little ways away, and there is a woman with two big bags of money. He man starts getting angry at himself.
Now the man had two wishes left, and he says to the Genie "I want a big mansion with a yacht and a fancy sports car" the Genie grants his wish. Then there is cheering a little ways away and there is a woman cheering with happiness because she has a mansion twice as big and two yacht's and two fancy sports cars.
Now the man is really mad at himself but he still has one wish left. He starts thinking really hard and finally finds the perfect plan. He says to the Genie "I want you to beat me half to death"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avww73/theres_this_man_walking_along_a_beach_and_finds_a/
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My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall by Oasis

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avwttq/my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall_by/
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What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf?

He's inbread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avwoet/what_happens_if_a_redneck_bakes_himself_into_a/
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If I had a Delorean

I’d probably only drive it from time to time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avwmfc/if_i_had_a_delorean/
%
We should give credit to the number 2.

It became a prime number against all odds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avwgbp/we_should_give_credit_to_the_number_2/
%
I tried to teach a ghost addition. Despite its efforts, in the end, it could only add 1 at a time.

I was disappointed, but I guess it's the spirit that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avwfk6/i_tried_to_teach_a_ghost_addition_despite_its/
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2 guys go moose hunting for the 1st time

They stop at a gun shop to get all the gear they will need.  The clerk helping them out decided to have a little fun with the newbies.
CLERK: Best way to hunt a moose is in one of these female moose costumes.  You both get in it, make a moose mating call, when the male moose shows up just unzip the suit and shoot him.  Easy as that.
Guys buy the costume and head out into the woods.  After both getting into the same moose costume the guy in back says "OK, now start blowing that mating call thing the guy at the hunting store sold us".
The guy up front blows and blows ... about 5 minutes later they see the largest moose they have ever seen come walking up to them in their moose costume.
Guy in back says "OK, now unzip the suit and lets shoot this thing".
Guy up front says "the zipper is stuck, I can't get it open".
Guy in back asks "So, what the hell are we going to do?"
Guy in front says "I'm going to lean over and start eating some grass but if I were you I'd brace myself".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avwfhi/2_guys_go_moose_hunting_for_the_1st_time/
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How do you know Roy G. Biv was vaccinated?

He’s all over the spectrum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avwfc1/how_do_you_know_roy_g_biv_was_vaccinated/
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How do you get 500 old cows in barn?

Put up a bingo sign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avwah4/how_do_you_get_500_old_cows_in_barn/
%
Two conspiracy theories walk into a bar.

You can’t  tell me that was just a coincidence, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avw9kc/two_conspiracy_theories_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avw1sp/a_woman_wants_her_vaginal_lips_reduced_in_size/
%
A Nigerian man died alone in his house, the police found 2 billion in cash there

He tried to gave his money away before he died but nobody answered his emails

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avvyja/a_nigerian_man_died_alone_in_his_house_the_police/
%
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog is thrilled! “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”
“No,” says his advisor, “in her biology class.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avvy2u/a_frog_telephones_the_psychic_hotline/
%
My girlfriend asked me if hotdogs were good for her diet

I replied, "They're not the wurst"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avvs0t/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_hotdogs_were_good_for/
%
How to fall down stairs

Step 1.
Step 2.
Step 4.
Step 7, 8, 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avvobo/how_to_fall_down_stairs/
%
What do you get when you cross a pervert with a pirate?

AAARRRRRR Kelly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avvjjg/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_pervert_with_a/
%
What do we want? Race car noises! When do we want them?

Neeeeeeeoooooowwwwww!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avvfkj/what_do_we_want_race_car_noises_when_do_we_want/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world,

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avvewv/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
I lost my virginity.

May I get yours?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avverj/i_lost_my_virginity/
%
A man is on trial for robbery...

A man is on trial for robbery, and it's a clear cut case.
The prosecution is sure that they've got this one in the bag.
The judge begins to read the final decision, saying, "Alright, I'm going to sentence you right here and now unless there's anything you can say to change my mind"
The man stands up and shouts "Your honor, wait! I had just cause!"
The prosecution looks nervous. There's a murmur in the courtroom.
The judge looks surprised, and says, "Really? What was your just cause?"
The man shrugs and says "...Just 'cause!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avvbqb/a_man_is_on_trial_for_robbery/
%
Teacher: Give me an example of a bird that has wings but can not fly...

Student: A dead bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avv5yi/teacher_give_me_an_example_of_a_bird_that_has/
%
One trucker turned to another...

...And handed him a 10 dollar bill. The second trucker asked "What's the 10 for good buddy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avv44p/one_trucker_turned_to_another/
%
My daughters have decided to open a computer repair service together!

They’re going to call it “2 Girls 1 CPU”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avuyew/my_daughters_have_decided_to_open_a_computer/
%
3 men walk in the desert

They are thirsty and would do anything for a drink. Suddenly they see a giant slide and a sign next to it. It reads, “Slide down the slides and shout the name of the drink you want and when you reach the bottom of the slide, there will be a pool of it
The first man slides down the slide and shouts, “WATER!” and lands in a pool of that
The next man slides and shouts, “COKE” and lands in a pool of that
The last man slides, and enjoys himself so much that he shouts, “WEEEEE”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avut79/3_men_walk_in_the_desert/
%
My parents called a meeting just to tell me I'm really well-suited to my environment?

I don't remember exactly what they said, but it was something like, "son, you're adapted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avup2w/my_parents_called_a_meeting_just_to_tell_me_im/
%
All fucks are holy

I mean, where else would you put it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avunx4/all_fucks_are_holy/
%
A teacher decided not to grade the tests her class took, and instead gave everyone an A.

She gave no Fs that day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avul2s/a_teacher_decided_not_to_grade_the_tests_her/
%
Heard about the man who painted his scrotum?

Pretty nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avujcn/heard_about_the_man_who_painted_his_scrotum/
%
I saw a midget climbing over a prison wall

It was a little condescending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avugfg/i_saw_a_midget_climbing_over_a_prison_wall/
%
Why do navy ships carries Marines?

Because sheep would be to obvious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avue41/why_do_navy_ships_carries_marines/
%
What do you call a useless star?

A waste of space.
... but some call him Justin Bieber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avuc6j/what_do_you_call_a_useless_star/
%
What do you call a black person who flys a plane?

A pilot you racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avu6s3/what_do_you_call_a_black_person_who_flys_a_plane/
%
What do you call a picture of a wizard working at a Genius Bar?

An iMage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avu5ms/what_do_you_call_a_picture_of_a_wizard_working_at/
%
Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avu4j2/where_do_you_find_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
Renamed my bathroom

Now it called "The Gym" , and I can talk to my friends about how I've already been today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avu24n/renamed_my_bathroom/
%
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avu20d/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
%
Over a year ago, I left a full load in my friends dishwasher when I stayed at his home.

Lucky me, he’s the father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avu1rv/over_a_year_ago_i_left_a_full_load_in_my_friends/
%
A lawyer's trick . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avu15p/a_lawyers_trick/
%
A man is walking down to the docks to check out his new boat.

As he approaches he sees a honest to goodness pirate ship docking nearby. He is beside himself when he sees the most stereotypical pirate hobbling off the boat.
The pirate has a red bandana, a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch. The man can't help himself, he has to talk to the guy.
He ask if the guy is a pirate. The pirate responds "Aye!"
He says "How did you get that peg leg?"
"ARR! I fell overboard an ENORMOUS GATOR bit off me leg!"
"How did you get that hook for a hand?" He asks.
"ARR! A SWASHBUCKLING SWORDFIGHT where a SCURVY SCALLIWAG chopped me hand CLEAN OFF!" The pirate bellows.
"How did you get that eyepatch?"
"ARR! A SEAGULL POOPED IN IT!"
The man is baffled. "And you lost an EYE???"
"...it was me first day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avtxau/a_man_is_walking_down_to_the_docks_to_check_out/
%
What do you say to a bloodied man who walks into a bar with knives, guns, and a recently used machete?

Nothing. Not a damn thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avtv1g/what_do_you_say_to_a_bloodied_man_who_walks_into/
%
My Dad ..

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avtryl/my_dad/
%
What do you call something that looks like pasta, and tastes like pasta, but isn't pasta?

An impasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avtrlo/what_do_you_call_something_that_looks_like_pasta/
%
Some high schoolers are on the playground.

A new kid walks up. They say ”whats your name?” He says “God.” They say "NO way!!!” He says “Yahweh”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avtrgr/some_high_schoolers_are_on_the_playground/
%
The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend

I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy." She said, "Why did you say that twice?"
I said, "I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avtjvv/the_other_day_i_was_going_down_on_my_girlfriend/
%
She offered her honor.

He honored her offer.
And all through the night,
He was on her and off her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avthth/she_offered_her_honor/
%
I hate it when they say white people can't dance...

Like hello we have Micheal Jackson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avthpi/i_hate_it_when_they_say_white_people_cant_dance/
%
Why did the burglar avoid stealing the kitchen utensils?

He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avtgwu/why_did_the_burglar_avoid_stealing_the_kitchen/
%
How do you know a wishing well works?

If your mother-in-law falls down it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avte21/how_do_you_know_a_wishing_well_works/
%
A teacher asks, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’"

"Which tense is that?”
Student: “Obviously past.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avt7pj/a_teacher_asks_if_i_say_i_am_beautiful/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as a choir boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avt68h/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Hobbits don’t believe in the bible

Because they can’t fathom the idea of a last supper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avt64n/hobbits_dont_believe_in_the_bible/
%
I may have a needle dick.

But I fuck like a sewing machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avt43b/i_may_have_a_needle_dick/
%
Knock knock

*who's there?*
Knock
*Knock who?*
Knock Knock.
*who's there...*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avt3sg/knock_knock/
%
Jake was sitting on the porch with his little sister, and said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"

His sister jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly hit by a truck. Jake just laughed and laughed, because he knew it was only a nickel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avt3hj/jake_was_sitting_on_the_porch_with_his_little/
%
If someone is forced to get a masters in debate...

They have to Degree to Disagree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsz6s/if_someone_is_forced_to_get_a_masters_in_debate/
%
A group of nuns got hit by a bus and died.

On heavens gate, st. Peter stopped them and told them to get in line and said: "Sisters, wash your sins away in this bowl of holy water, and you can step into heaven!"
First nun:"st.Peter, i've sinned. I once saw a penis."
St.Peter:"Then wash your eyes, and go in, sister!"
Second nun:"st.Peter, i've also sinned. I once touched a penis."
St.Peter:"Then wash the hand with which you touched, sister, and go on in!"
While she was washing her hand, nun #4 whispered to nun #3:"Excuse me sis, can we switch places? I'd like to gurgle that water before you stick your ass in it.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsyps/a_group_of_nuns_got_hit_by_a_bus_and_died/
%
I've been trying to recapture my lost youth.

I really must get that cellar door fixed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsy7j/ive_been_trying_to_recapture_my_lost_youth/
%
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsxwf/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
I would never get a dog from a breeder.

Rescue dogs taste just as good and can be had for a fraction of the price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsxko/i_would_never_get_a_dog_from_a_breeder/
%
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke

Dog: Tell me a joke
Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog
Dog: Oh, go on
Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand
Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese
Man: OK. Knock Knock
Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsrzv/a_dog_is_talking_to_his_owner_dog_tell_me_a_joke/
%
I like my women like I like my plastic bags....

Degradable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsr95/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_plastic_bags/
%
Ever heard about the guy who had a fetish for broken buttons on video game controllers?

He got off to a bad start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsoep/ever_heard_about_the_guy_who_had_a_fetish_for/
%
Overhearing my ex...

I once overheard my ex tell her best friend that I was a stalker.
Nearly made me mad enough to come out of her closet
and give her a piece of my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsldy/overhearing_my_ex/
%
A Pavlovian Twist

The ultimate Pavlovian twist is that whenever you hear the name Pavlov you think of a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsl9e/a_pavlovian_twist/
%
Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avshhm/once_i_saw_a_man_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
%
I just donated $1000 to a blind children’s charity

Not like the kids will see any of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsh3j/i_just_donated_1000_to_a_blind_childrens_charity/
%
I was recently diagnosed with a fear of all things Italian...

My psychiatrist named it "atsalottaphobia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsfvl/i_was_recently_diagnosed_with_a_fear_of_all/
%
I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, “You don’t have much experience removing bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?
Her: The scissors, mostly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avselk/i_took_a_girl_home_last_night_we_were_fooling/
%
Mom: did you see how your grandfather get interviewed by CNN?

me: Yea mom that’s old news

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsde8/mom_did_you_see_how_your_grandfather_get/
%
It's frustrating, every time I take my new dog to the park, the ducks just won't leave him alone.

I guess it's kind of my fault, I shouldn't have gotten a pure-bread dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsc3f/its_frustrating_every_time_i_take_my_new_dog_to/
%
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I have ever had...

Does money even matter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsajc/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_existential_crisis_i/
%
I ate a dictionary last night...

It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avsaeq/i_ate_a_dictionary_last_night/
%
Life is like a penis,

it’s the women that make it hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avs6rc/life_is_like_a_penis/
%
A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas

, when the woman who owns the home invited him in. She starts to unbutton his shirt and unbuckle his belt. Things start to get heavy and she takes him to the bedroom. They have sex. After the mailman gets dressed to leave, the woman says, “oh I almost forgot to give you this dollar!” The mail man is confused and asks “why the dollar?” She responds, “ well when I asked my husband what we should get the mailman for Christmas he responded with ‘give him a dollar, fuck um!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avs51r/a_mailman_was_delivering_a_package_around/
%
I got kicked out of church

Apparently it’s “rude” to say going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avs4rt/i_got_kicked_out_of_church/
%
Treadmill

It’s a running inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avs3r7/treadmill/
%
How do you call a guard who is taking a piss?

A security leak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avrzqh/how_do_you_call_a_guard_who_is_taking_a_piss/
%
a race realist, a fascist, and an anti-feminist walk into a bar and order drinks.

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve anyone under the age of 18.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avrzfr/a_race_realist_a_fascist_and_an_antifeminist_walk/
%
Due to political correctness Dick Van Dyke is having to change his name.

He will now be Penis Truck Lesbian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avrwfs/due_to_political_correctness_dick_van_dyke_is/
%
Why did the myopic man fell in the hole in the ground?

Cuz, he didn't see that Well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avru3k/why_did_the_myopic_man_fell_in_the_hole_in_the/
%
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”

Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?”
She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”
Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.”
She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"
To which I replied, “That's where they held the auction.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avrtg1/my_wife_said_i_dreamed_they_were_auctioning_off/
%
Mute budgie for sale

Not going cheap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avrsw9/mute_budgie_for_sale/
%
What do you call a bear without teeth?

A gummy bear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avrsa2/what_do_you_call_a_bear_without_teeth/
%
Trump can now claim he’s a Vietnam vet

...since  he was shot down by North Korea  in Hanoi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avrqom/trump_can_now_claim_hes_a_vietnam_vet/
%
It only cost 5 cents to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping, or dressed as a dolphin,

So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avropi/it_only_cost_5_cents_to_get_into_our_local/
%
Did you hear about the new mushroom comedian?

Yeah he’s a pretty fun guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avroil/did_you_hear_about_the_new_mushroom_comedian/
%
I just got back from a weekend camping trip with a bunch of swingers.

It was fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avrkwl/i_just_got_back_from_a_weekend_camping_trip_with/
%
A farmer gave me some good advice

He told me the difference between a good meal and a good time is where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avril6/a_farmer_gave_me_some_good_advice/
%
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac?

Someone who likes awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avrhn0/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_agnostic_a/
%
The depressing thing about tennis is

I will never be as good as a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avrgo1/the_depressing_thing_about_tennis_is/
%
What do you call an Italian hooker?

A pasta-tute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avr9m9/what_do_you_call_an_italian_hooker/
%
Why did the homophobic buffalo cry?

It had a bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avr727/why_did_the_homophobic_buffalo_cry/
%
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in W. Virginia?

because if it was invented anywhere else it’d be called the teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avr26h/how_do_you_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in_w/
%
When I was young, I really wanted to work with animals

But I just couldn’t get a job in cosmetics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avr0ll/when_i_was_young_i_really_wanted_to_work_with/
%
I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.

I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqz3h/i_dont_understand_how_australians_can_be/
%
Just had some syrian ask me the way to the mental institution,

Fucking asylum seeker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqyeh/just_had_some_syrian_ask_me_the_way_to_the_mental/
%
Of all the things a man should never say while going down on a woman, the worst is probably:

"Tastes just like mom used to make it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqxc4/of_all_the_things_a_man_should_never_say_while/
%
I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom.

I sprinkled some more over the bed.
I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.
I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she's ever had, I was slightly nervous.
Now all I need is the perfect line to introduce myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqwne/i_left_a_trail_of_rose_petals_from_the_front_door/
%
Three guys want to date a farmers daughter

There’s a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy. When they confront the farmer and he says
“Okay I’ll tell you what. You three go out and pick 100 things from my farm. If you can shove all 100 up your ass you can date my daughter. If you can’t I’ll shoot ya.”
They all accept and the Mexican goes first. He picks 100 raspberries. He gets 99 up his ass but as he’s trying to fit the last one he farts and they all come out.
The farmer pulls out his shotgun *bang*.
Now it’s the white guys turn. A little worried he goes and picks 100 blueberries. He gets 99 up there, giggles a little, farts, and they all come out.
As the farmer cocks his gun he asks the white guy “now what in God’s name was so damn funny?”
Holding back his laughter the white man says “look at the black guy, he’s picking watermelon!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqv04/three_guys_want_to_date_a_farmers_daughter/
%
Drunk driving is extremely gay.

You just can't think straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqucr/drunk_driving_is_extremely_gay/
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My brother Seamus says 1 out of 5 people in the world are Chinese.

Well, there's five in our family... I know it's not me, it's not my mom, and it's not my dad. That leaves my two brothers: Seamus, and Xiaoping. And to be honest?
I think it's Seamus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqt1c/my_brother_seamus_says_1_out_of_5_people_in_the/
%
A man wakes up in a hospital bed.

The nurse says “I have terrible news, you won’t be able to feel anything from the waist down” The man says “OK, can I feel your tits?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqskh/a_man_wakes_up_in_a_hospital_bed/
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What did the fish say when he hit a brick wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqsh1/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_hit_a_brick_wall/
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My brother used to throw pennies at me all the time

And that’s why I’m afraid of change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqp87/my_brother_used_to_throw_pennies_at_me_all_the/
%
What do kids and tattoos have in common?

They're both said to be permanent but can be removed with lasers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avql70/what_do_kids_and_tattoos_have_in_common/
%
So I just started a Chinese Nazi party

It's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqh4f/so_i_just_started_a_chinese_nazi_party/
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Yesterday evening i had fish for dinner,

When i was rudely asked to leave petsmart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqgtx/yesterday_evening_i_had_fish_for_dinner/
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Did you hear that Virginia's Governor and First Lady actually met on a dating web site?

It was called OKKKCupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqg8g/did_you_hear_that_virginias_governor_and_first/
%
A guy accidentally says another girls name during sex

One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!"
Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and shouts "WHO THE FUCK IS ANGELA?"
Matt, realizing that he just said another girls name during sex, tries to cover it up with an excuse, and replies "Oh? You don't know what "Angela" means? Haha its a newer slang term, which means 'here I come, take my load!'"
Sarah gives a puzzled look, and forgets about it in the moment as they continue to cuddle in bed.
The next day, Sarah meets up for the first time with a group of girls at her dorm, and meets Rose, and they have a good time and slowly become friends. After hesitating for a while, Sarah casually asks, "Hey, do you know what Angela means? Something boys are starting to say more often?" to which Rose replies, "no, not really."
Sarah continues to say that it means "here I come, take my load!"
Rose, confused, looks back at her and says:
"I heard that's what "Sarah" means?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqfss/a_guy_accidentally_says_another_girls_name_during/
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If bees reproduce by slave bees having intercourse with the queen bee...

... Then is it safe to say they're into BeeDSM?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqdyv/if_bees_reproduce_by_slave_bees_having/
%
I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avqdj8/i_recently_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
Why do duckies have tails?

To hide their butt quacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avq8jy/why_do_duckies_have_tails/
%
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avpzac/i_asked_my_welsh_friend_how_many_sexual_partners/
%
An Irish person wants to find something in the dark

He takes his pack of matches, lights them up one by one, looking for something on the floor.
His friend walks in and asks “what are you looking for?”
The Irish person responds “I think I dropped a match”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avpyz0/an_irish_person_wants_to_find_something_in_the/
%
Two priests go into the shower

In the shower they notice that there are no soap.
One of them says "Il go to my room and bring 2 soap bars" runs naked to the room, grabs 2 bars of soap and when he was running back...
3 nuns show up, first thing he remembers to do "freezes like a statue"..
Nuns look at the statue and say "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped"
One of them, looking to the priest's "toy soldier" decides do pull it....
The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars
The nun concludes then, that it is no statue.... It actually is a soap machine!!
The second nun happily does exactly the same and the priest drops the second bar of soap!
The third nun pulls it once.... Nothing... Pulls it twice..... Nothing.... Pulls it thrice.... Nothing... Pulls it again and again and again.... And finnaly marveled she says:
"Lord be praised... It also gives shower gel!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avpyya/two_priests_go_into_the_shower/
%
Trump asks for quotes...

... for building the wall. First he goes to a Mexican company. They do the calculations of material and labour and answer him that they will do it for 10 billion dollars. Second he goes to an American company which answers him they will build it for 20 billion dollars. Ofcourse it will be much bigger and stronger than the wall of the Mexican company, they CEO adds. Finaly Trump goes to a Russian company. They make a quick count and gives him the price. 30 billion for the wall. "That's the worst deal so far!" Trump exclaims. "Not at all mjister Trumpt, you see, 10 billion for you, 10 billion for me, and 10 billion for the Mexicans to do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avpw3v/trump_asks_for_quotes/
%
Dad joking my way out the door.

As I was leaving the office today heading to a job I said to our receptionist "I'll be black later" to which she instantly replied with "I'll be white here"... I got to the door before it clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avpric/dad_joking_my_way_out_the_door/
%
I like my women how I like my coffee.

Big tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avppsx/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
My Grandad is a truly special man

He has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh Zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avposl/my_grandad_is_a_truly_special_man/
%
Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition....

I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avpnc5/went_to_my_doctor_today_for_a_check_up_and/
%
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avpnc0/three_men_are_in_a_hotel_room_in_soviet_russia/
%
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avpmse/my_wife_caught_me_standing_on_the_bathroom_scale/
%
My drug test came back negative

My dealer sure has some explaining to do..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avpa7m/my_drug_test_came_back_negative/
%
What’s the difference between an ass-kisser, a brown-noser and a shithead?

Depth perception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avp5br/whats_the_difference_between_an_asskisser_a/
%
This is not a joke: A man walks into a bar

See, it's a Haiku

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avp454/this_is_not_a_joke_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How many grades are in dog school?

Grades K-9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avox58/how_many_grades_are_in_dog_school/
%
I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms

The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avox1p/im_tired_of_all_these_forced_gender_neutral_terms/
%
19 and 20 had a fight

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avovok/19_and_20_had_a_fight/
%
What do Beethoven and the hiphop artist Lil'Jon have in common?

What?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avolw6/what_do_beethoven_and_the_hiphop_artist_liljon/
%
A man saw this very pretty lady and decided to shoot his shot.

Man: "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?"
Woman: "My goodness, I suppose so, shall we discuss the terms?"
Man: "How about ten dollars?"
Woman: "What kind of woman do you take me for?"
Man: "Ma'am, we've already established that. We are now just haggling about the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avof37/a_man_saw_this_very_pretty_lady_and_decided_to/
%
I proposed to my girlfriend during a 4 day bender

She said “we got married yeterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avodmt/i_proposed_to_my_girlfriend_during_a_4_day_bender/
%
You know what the biggest problem with political jokes is?

They get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avoc04/you_know_what_the_biggest_problem_with_political/
%
Doctor: you should stop masturbating with cucumbers

Patient: oh, read somewhere that it was safe to masturbate with cucumbers
Doctor: no, it can really harm your dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avoako/doctor_you_should_stop_masturbating_with_cucumbers/
%
Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Me: "Why?"
Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avo9f9/bouncer_im_going_to_have_to_ask_you_to_leave/
%
A Man walks up to a pair of ladies in Downtown London

Man: “Good Afternoon are you ladies from England?”
One of the Ladies “Wales”
Man: “My apologies...Are you Whales from England”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avo6uw/a_man_walks_up_to_a_pair_of_ladies_in_downtown/
%
Why was Jesus not a virgin?

He got nailed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avnzt3/why_was_jesus_not_a_virgin/
%
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avnupv/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_a_dead/
%
What's an amnesiac pirate's favorite type of flower?

Forget-me-knots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avnoda/whats_an_amnesiac_pirates_favorite_type_of_flower/
%
I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so stupid because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avnmie/i_thought_someone_stole_my_car_keys_i_looked_for/
%
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?

“Howdy, pardoner!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avnguj/how_did_the_catholic_cowboy_greet_his_priest_for/
%
My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson’s funeral.

Kermit was speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avnbm4/my_uncle_worked_in_hollywood_and_told_me_how_sad/
%
Like "please" is the magic word for humans, "mom" is the magic word for lost items.

Calling out "Mom!" will make the item appear instantly out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avnb08/like_please_is_the_magic_word_for_humans_mom_is/
%
What do you call a goose who has undergone gender reassignment surgery?

Transgander!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avn733/what_do_you_call_a_goose_who_has_undergone_gender/
%
Where does the king keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avn5dt/where_does_the_king_keep_his_armies/
%
If a stork brings a white baby, and a crow brings a black baby; what brings no baby?

a swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avn2gt/if_a_stork_brings_a_white_baby_and_a_crow_brings/
%
Have you heard about the hooker who charges only $1 an hour?

Her clients all say it is a great bang for your buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avn1p4/have_you_heard_about_the_hooker_who_charges_only/
%
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?

Very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avn0uu/what_do_a_midget_and_a_dwarf_have_in_common/
%
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft...

...The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avmzv4/several_years_ago_great_britain_funded_a_study_to/
%
What do you call a party with no white people?

Crackalackin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avmzgw/what_do_you_call_a_party_with_no_white_people/
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You guys see that new hairy guy who started last week?? Moving slow, bad temper, and you can't understand a word he's saying..

C'mon guys, take it easy on him.. He'll get it soon enough, he's still just a Wookie..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avmv8x/you_guys_see_that_new_hairy_guy_who_started_last/
%
What do you call a female rodent with a penis?

A mouse trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avmueu/what_do_you_call_a_female_rodent_with_a_penis/
%
What do you get when you cross slow dancing with Arabic royalty?

Dancing Sheikh to Sheikh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avmsf9/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_slow_dancing_with/
%
What's the best part about a cliffhanger?

I'll tell you in the next post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avmrzn/whats_the_best_part_about_a_cliffhanger/
%
What do you call a Slav tree?

A dimitree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avmr2q/what_do_you_call_a_slav_tree/
%
I once met a girl with 12 nipples.

Sounds funny.
Dozen tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avmqa3/i_once_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
%
Women shouldn't have kids after 35.

That's way too many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avmou0/women_shouldnt_have_kids_after_35/
%
What did Donald Trump get on his SATs?

Ketchup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avmn31/what_did_donald_trump_get_on_his_sats/
%
Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avml8i/idk_if_this_ones_been_said_but_here_you_go_a_man/
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In a certain country, there was a strict curfew that was brought about by the new ruling at the time.

Everyone needed to be home by 6 PM, and anyone breaking this rule would be arrested, or worse, shot on sight.
Marcelino and Santiago were two officers that made sure everyone followed this rule. Marcelino was a newbie, and Santiago's been in the force for years.
As they go about their business, Santiago sees an old man pass by.
"Good evening, Mr. Lopez."
"Ah, good evening to you too. Santiago."
Marcelino smiled at the pleasant exchange, but was then asked by Santiago:
"What time is it?"
"It's 5:30 pm."
"Good to know."
Marcelino then watched in horror as Santiago pulled out his gun, and shot Mr. Lopez repeatedly, obviously killing him.
"Whoa! What the hell was that?! It's still early!"
"Shut up, Marcelino. I know where the old bastard lives. He's not gonna make it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avmjb6/in_a_certain_country_there_was_a_strict_curfew/
%
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avmja6/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
%
I’ll always remember my time at the sewage plant.

Man, did we see some shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avmgrq/ill_always_remember_my_time_at_the_sewage_plant/
%
Women bait me into feeling ugly so they can learn how much money I make.

Turns out, I’m ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avm9dk/women_bait_me_into_feeling_ugly_so_they_can_learn/
%
I just re-watched The Hunt for Red October.

The entire movie is the sub plot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avm7m7/i_just_rewatched_the_hunt_for_red_october/
%
I just got hired at a light bulb factory.

The boss told me I have a bright future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avm7i8/i_just_got_hired_at_a_light_bulb_factory/
%
Two homeless men are dumpster diving for food outside of a synagogue...

One of the men pops his head out and says to the other, “Man, these onion rings are really chewy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avm65q/two_homeless_men_are_dumpster_diving_for_food/
%
There is a term used to describe Mongolians who follow Buddha's teachings.

They are referred to as "nomads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avlza1/there_is_a_term_used_to_describe_mongolians_who/
%
Boy: Turn off the lights

Girl: Okay..
Boy: Close the Curtains
Girl: Oh, okay..
Boy Get in the bed with me under the covers.
Girl: Okay..
Boy: Perfect! Now let me show you my glow in the dark watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avlxg4/boy_turn_off_the_lights/
%
A man was involved in a terrible car accident. Because of the accident he lost one of his eyes.

The doctor explained to him that he could get a fake eye to replace the real one. So the man agrees and chooses the least expensive. A wooden eye.   Some months pass and the mans friends come over to visit him. They are very worried because he has not been out of the house for months. They tell him that there is a party at another friends house that night. The man finally agrees to go. When they get there people are dancing and having a good time. The man finds a seat in the corner and remains there. The friends find the man again and tell him he needs to get up and dance. Then from across the room a women appears. She is looking at the man sitting in the corner. The mans friends point her out. So he walks over to her to ask her to dance. As he gets closer he realizes she has a hair lip. He thinks to himself , what a pair we would make. My wooden eye and her hair lip.   The man walked up to the women and asked if she'd like to dance?   And her replay is would I? Would I? He points back at her and says hair lip! hair lip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avlotw/a_man_was_involved_in_a_terrible_car_accident/
%
When Thanos snaps...

Avengers: Oh no, he did it he managed to get rid of half the universe we did not stop him there is no hope. We are in Endgame now.
Karen: ThE VaCCinEs TurNEd My KIdS tO DuSt !!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avlofc/when_thanos_snaps/
%
18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!

Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight.
18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.
Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avll5y/18_year_old_dad_i_turn_18_today/
%
Timmy had a hard time accepting the fact that he was gay and dyslexic...

He was in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avlg2n/timmy_had_a_hard_time_accepting_the_fact_that_he/
%
What has two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese telephone
“Wing Wing” “Arrow”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avle6p/what_has_two_wings_and_an_arrow/
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The Young Couple

Three couples are trying to get married.
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
“If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex,” says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church ad talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, “Have you completed the month with sex?”
“Yes we have, it was easy,” replies the elderly couple.
“How about you?” He asks the middle-aged couple.
“It was hard, but we didn’t have sex for the whole month,” they respond.
“And how about you two?” He asks the young couple.
“No we couldn’t do it,” responds the boyfriend.
“Tell me why,” says the priest.
“Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that’s when it happened.”
The priest then tells them, “You’re not welcome in my church.”
“We’re not welcome in the supermarket either,” says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avlc6z/the_young_couple/
%
3 frogs get arrested

The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go.
The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go.
The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog."
The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avlc1u/3_frogs_get_arrested/
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The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.
One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenever Nate slithered, the earth shook, trees fell, and birds plummeted from the sky. Nate was out surveying his domain, and took a spin though the local village.
Now, normally when Nate visited the village, everyone hid from him, in stark, abject, raving terror. A sort of "hide the women and children, bury the silver in the backyard" sort of terror. And today was no different: as Nate the Snake rolled through town, no one was on the streets, and the village seemed abandoned.
Except for one man.
At the far end of town, a man was standing next to a tree. Nate the Snake was bemused by this, as -- as has been mentioned -- people normally hid from him -- or at least ran screaming. But this man stood his ground. This piqued Nate's curiosity, so he rumbled and slithered up to the man. and Asked him "Why aren't you hiding? Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Of course I'm afraid of you, but my job is more important."
"Oh?" said Nate "And what's your job?"
"I'm the lever man. I guard the lever tree."
"The lever tree?"
"You see this lever here, in the side of the tree? If anyone flips this lever, it will destroy the entire world. My job is to keep an eye on the lever, and make sure no one touches it."
"Doesn't that get awfully boring?"
"Yes, yes it does... it's been years since I've seen my family."
Never let it be said that Nate the Snake did not have a soft side. He took pity on the man and offered to keep an eye on the lever for him, so he could take a few days off and visit his family. The man gratefully ran screaming away in terror. And life returned to normal.
Eventually Nate the Snake, who was a somewhat ADD snake, got bored and decided to cruise around the jungle some more. He figured that the word was pretty well out that the lever tree was being guarded by Nate the Snake, and he decided that it was quite unlikely that anyone would mess with the lever in his absence.
A little while later, Nate heard a rumbling. Thinking it might be his tail end, he stopped. Once his entire body had stopped, he still heard the rumbling. And then he panicked: what if the rumbling had something to do with the lever tree?
So, Nate the Snake rumbled and slithered his way back to the village as fast as he could. As he came over the rise, he saw what was making the rumbling noise: a gigantic steamroller. The local highway department was improving the road, bunging an 8 lane mega-highway through the middle of the village.
The huge steamroller was headed right for the lever tree. Nate bellowed for the driver to stop, but the driver couldn't hear him over the rumble of the steamroller. Nate rushed towards the man, trying to get his attention, but the man was focused on the steamroller. Finally, in a fit of desperation, Nate the Snake through himself in front of the steamroller.
This got the driver's attention: he felt a bump big enough to notice. He stopped the steamroller to get down and take a look at what he had hit. When he got down, he saw that he had run over Nate the Snake and squashed him flat. As he started to panic, he looked around and saw that his steamroller was bare inches from the lever tree.
The steamroller driver breathed a sigh of relief and exclaimed, "Better Nate than lever."
*Budump bum.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avl9e0/the_poor_snake_named_nate/
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People who smoke will get this

Cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avl8wv/people_who_smoke_will_get_this/
%
How did Helen Keller learn how to masturbate?

By reading lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avktl8/how_did_helen_keller_learn_how_to_masturbate/
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A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avktb4/a_nihilist_a_socialist_and_a_neomarxist_walk_into/
%
My wife said. “are you even listening to me?” She turned around and walked away. I stared at her blankly and thought “that’s an odd way to start a conversation”

Huh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avkr1c/my_wife_said_are_you_even_listening_to_me_she/
%
How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

You ask them to pronounce "unionized"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avklvy/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_plumber/
%
I went to the local hot dog guy and said, “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”

He said, “Sure. It shouldn’t be long.”
Me: In that case, can I get two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avkhyg/i_went_to_the_local_hot_dog_guy_and_said_can_i/
%
My grandfather is so good at Russian Roulette

that he only lost once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avkhh3/my_grandfather_is_so_good_at_russian_roulette/
%
What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A-mean-oh-acid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avkg9x/what_do_you_call_an_acid_with_an_attitude/
%
Your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door. Who do you let in?

The dog of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avkdib/your_dog_is_barking_at_the_back_door_and_your/
%
What do you call a group of transgender superheroes?

Ex-Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avkcw3/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_transgender/
%
What did the epileptic eat for dinner?

Seizure salad
(yes, I'll roast in hell for this one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avk6zz/what_did_the_epileptic_eat_for_dinner/
%
Ahhhh, old romance . . .

Janet was lying in bed one night.  Art was falling asleep, but Janet was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Janet asked.
"To get my teeth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avk6um/ahhhh_old_romance/
%
What do sprinters eat before a big race?

Nothing, they fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avk3in/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_big_race/
%
What's a basketball player's favourite kind of cheese?

Swissh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avjvxm/whats_a_basketball_players_favourite_kind_of/
%
I always understood people who don’t want to vaccinate their children

I say leave that to the doctors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avjvto/i_always_understood_people_who_dont_want_to/
%
My friend went bald five years ago, but he still carries a comb.

He just can't part with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avjsfu/my_friend_went_bald_five_years_ago_but_he_still/
%
An astronaut says to his friend: 'I can't find any milk for my coffee'

The friend replies 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avjqaz/an_astronaut_says_to_his_friend_i_cant_find_any/
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The pope visits the USA

On his arrival at the airport there is a big  limousine waiting for him, he gets in and they drive off. After a while the pope confesses to the driver: "I am a big limousine fan and always wanted to drive one, do you think we can switch and you let me drive for a while?" The driver feels like he can't say no, its the pope afterall and they switch.
The pope begins to drive like crazy testing the limousines ability and speed. It doesn't take long and a police officer makes them pull over, he approaches the driver window and can't believe who is sitting there.
Not knowing what to do he calls the Sherrif: "Sir, I pulled over someone that was driving like crazy, but I don't think I can give him a ticket, he is a very important person!"
The sherrif responds: "Give him a ticket, he can't be more important than me, the sherrif." To which the officer responds: "I think he might be more important than you, sir". "So, is he more important than the Chief of Police?" "Yes sir." the officer confirms. "More important than the President of the united states?!" Hesitant the officer replies: "He might be!" Now the sherrif yells: "So who the hell is he officer?"
To which he responds: "I don't know sir, but the pope is his driver"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avjm61/the_pope_visits_the_usa/
%
To the guy that stole my antidepressants ..

I hope you are happy now..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avji6x/to_the_guy_that_stole_my_antidepressants/
%
A man walks into a bank to see his financial advisor.

He sits down and says:
"I want to close my savings account."
"We're very sorry to hear that," says the advisor, "why is that?"
The man replies: "I've lost interest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avjg8p/a_man_walks_into_a_bank_to_see_his_financial/
%
Why didnt the lifeguard save the drowning hippy?

Because he was to far out man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avjfkg/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_drowning_hippy/
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Australia should hire WWE wrestlers to enforce sentencing on convicted sex offenders.

That way we can have Undertaker and Mankind throw Pell in a cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avjddk/australia_should_hire_wwe_wrestlers_to_enforce/
%
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!"
And Carl says "I shit. You knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avj5tr/carl_is_in_the_10th_year_of_a_life_sentence_when/
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A woman takes out an ad in the personals section and writes...

*I want a man who won’t beat me, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.*
About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs in a wheelchair.
“I’m here to answer your ad.”
“Okay,” the woman says, skeptically. “What’s your story?”
“Well, I don’t have arms, so I can’t beat you. I don’t have legs, so I can’t run away from you.”
“Okay,” she nods, “But how do I know you’re great in bed?”
“How do you think I rang the doorbell?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avix5b/a_woman_takes_out_an_ad_in_the_personals_section/
%
I masturbated on a aeroplane

I called it "highjacking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avipsb/i_masturbated_on_a_aeroplane/
%
"Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avio04/masturbation_may_help_prevent_the_common_cold/
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A threesome is sex with three people. A twosome is sex with two people.

It makes sense why people always call me handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avikbe/a_threesome_is_sex_with_three_people_a_twosome_is/
%
What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aviivx/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman,

Not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avih0x/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once_an_hour_later_i/
%
Vladimir Putin is my favorite magician

He makes his opponents disappear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avif0m/vladimir_putin_is_my_favorite_magician/
%
I think my family are a bunch of racists

I just started dating a black woman and I recently brought her to meet my family.
The kids won't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aviews/i_think_my_family_are_a_bunch_of_racists/
%
Why not go to southern France?

There's nothing Toulouse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avi9p5/why_not_go_to_southern_france/
%
What is a quote by Goku called?

A Super Saiyan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avi8oo/what_is_a_quote_by_goku_called/
%
What do you call a female rapper?

38.5 Cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avi1cb/what_do_you_call_a_female_rapper/
%
Why do Redditors make bad Fencers?

Because all they do is Riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avi121/why_do_redditors_make_bad_fencers/
%
My dog ate some scrabble pieces and now he looks like he's about to throw up

This could spell trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avhvxt/my_dog_ate_some_scrabble_pieces_and_now_he_looks/
%
I was shopping with my wife earlier on.

I was surprised when she said "You are a lazy bastard."
I nearly fell out of the shopping trolley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avhrrs/i_was_shopping_with_my_wife_earlier_on/
%
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it’s the scenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avhro1/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
%
I'm never going to vaccinate my children...

...I'll leave that to the doctors and nurses!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avhrin/im_never_going_to_vaccinate_my_children/
%
What do you call a horse with a guitar?

A rocking horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avhntv/what_do_you_call_a_horse_with_a_guitar/
%
How do you find out if a girl is ticklish?

Give her two test tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avhjhz/how_do_you_find_out_if_a_girl_is_ticklish/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avhjdq/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Pakistan has shot down 2 Indian Jet fighters.

Using sophisticated Sikh - Heating missiles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avhdrw/pakistan_has_shot_down_2_indian_jet_fighters/
%
Why are the brake discs of Miley Cyrus' car shaped like a human organ?

'cause nothing brakes like a heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avhc14/why_are_the_brake_discs_of_miley_cyrus_car_shaped/
%
My son was dating a girl, Stephanie, that I wasn't really fond of...

The last time he brought her over to the house, I said with a smile 'Hi there Amber!' She had a look of horror. 'Sorry, I can't keep all these girls' names straight' I said with a grin. I haven't seen her since!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avhb3p/my_son_was_dating_a_girl_stephanie_that_i_wasnt/
%
Communism doesn't work for me.

It works for us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avh7cz/communism_doesnt_work_for_me/
%
What do a Bird Watcher and a Peeping Tom have in common?

They both loving hanging out in trees looking for  Great Tits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avh4qx/what_do_a_bird_watcher_and_a_peeping_tom_have_in/
%
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avh2fg/what_does_the_receptionist_at_a_sperm_bank_say_as/
%
What's the difference between a circus and a strip club?

A circus has many cunning stunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avh01m/whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a_strip/
%
I'm running for President of the United States of America in 2020 as part of the Penis Party.

So far I only have 1 member.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avh002/im_running_for_president_of_the_united_states_of/
%
Why did the black pirates jump overboard

Because they heard the Sirens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avgxd6/why_did_the_black_pirates_jump_overboard/
%
Maccas will give you a free happy meal and $134.50 if you go through the drive through dressed as a clown...

With a gun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avgt6t/maccas_will_give_you_a_free_happy_meal_and_13450/
%
Why are Gay people always so well dressed?

Because they spend all that time in the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avgsy1/why_are_gay_people_always_so_well_dressed/
%
What do you call a child born from incest

Gross domestic product

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avgsvt/what_do_you_call_a_child_born_from_incest/
%
What's ET short for?

Cuz he's got little legs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avgria/whats_et_short_for/
%
If I lived in Italy, worked in a Chemist, and loved Reddit

Would that make me a Parma, Pharma, Karma Farmer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avgqir/if_i_lived_in_italy_worked_in_a_chemist_and_loved/
%
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security.

The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avgpp6/a_guy_with_flame_tattoo_sleeves_walks_into_a/
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My wife said she's leaving me because

I always exaggerate too much.
I almost tripped over my cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avgor3/my_wife_said_shes_leaving_me_because/
%
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avgmia/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
I don't know why people say Donald Trump doesn't read books...

He always gets to chapter 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avggvf/i_dont_know_why_people_say_donald_trump_doesnt/
%
What did the barber tell the janitor at the end of the day?

Take hair!
My 8 year old thought of it after his hair cut last night. I hope it’s OC as he doesn’t have a Reddit account, yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avggj3/what_did_the_barber_tell_the_janitor_at_the_end/
%
An old redneck goes to the doctor

He's been feeling unwell since a while, and moonshine doesn't help.
The doc examines him, then gives him a prescription for suppositories.
"Have 3 of those a day, and come back next week to see how it goes! " he says.
A week later, the old redneck comes back and complains he feels even worse now.
"Did you take the suppositories as I told you? 3 times a day? "  The doc asks.
"Well yeah doc, I swallowed them with water, didn't help. I tried taking them with food, didn't help. I melted them and rub them on my chest and forehead, didn't help. Your medicine is crap, for all the good it did to me, I might as well have shoved 'em up my ass! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avgceg/an_old_redneck_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Two hillbillies walk into a restauarant

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head "NO".
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the food flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seen nobody done it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avgbn8/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restauarant/
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What do they call Miley Cyrus in Canada?

Kilometer-y Cyrus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avg8kr/what_do_they_call_miley_cyrus_in_canada/
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What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use a lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avg45x/what_do_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
%
Women shouldn’t have kids after 35

That’s way too many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avg0cf/women_shouldnt_have_kids_after_35/
%
Film Role

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and I have planned to get my revenge on Matt Damon ever since.
I’ll make him wish he’d never been Bourne!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avfqm6/film_role/
%
During sex I suddenly stopped moving? My wife said what are you doing....

I said. “Hush bitch, I saw this on pornhub. It’s called buffering”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avfn8b/during_sex_i_suddenly_stopped_moving_my_wife_said/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

## After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avfhyu/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
%
Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by how dogs react to him.

For example, if a police K9 is bitting him, he may not be ideal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avfgnp/ladies_you_can_tell_a_lot_about_a_man_by_how_dogs/
%
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

No questions asked!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avfgb7/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_9_letters_but_never/
%
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her that we use names around here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avfd0f/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_for_my_number/
%
What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avfa3e/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
%
A USMC General, US Army General, USAF General and a Navy Admiral were arguing about which branch has the bravest servicemembers.

The Marine General trying to prove his men and women were the most brave said, “watch this” and commanded a nearby Marine Corporal to shoot himself in the head with his sidearm... the Corporal drew his pistol blew his head off and the Marine General said, “See, the Marines are the bravest.”
The Army General not to be out done commands a SGT to lay down in front of a moving tank... squish... “the Army is the bravest “, says the General.
Trying to conclude the argument, the Airforce General radios an F-16, commanding its pilot to dive into the ground... Kaboom....
The Airforce General says ”the Airforce is the bravest”.
The Admiral shakes his head...  yells to a E-1 sailor working on the deck of a nearby carrier to leap to his death onto the dock below...
The sailor proved the Admiral's point by replying “Fuck you Admiral”...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avf4d5/a_usmc_general_us_army_general_usaf_general_and_a/
%
A thief entered a house one mid-afternoon to find...

a couple in the middle of lovemaking. He tied up the woman and at gun-point asked the man to handover all their money and jewellery. The man started sobbing and said, "Brother, take anything you want. But please, untie the rope and let her go." The thief replied, "You must really love your wife, having no regard for your own safety." The man said, "No, she's my neighbour's wife. Mine will be back shortly!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avf370/a_thief_entered_a_house_one_midafternoon_to_find/
%
I was at the local swimming pools today

And decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard must’ve noticed.
He blew his whistle so fucking loud I almost fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avf2s4/i_was_at_the_local_swimming_pools_today/
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Why is it impolite to say Donald Trump is a racist, con man and a cheat?

Ettiquete dictates you say, "President Donald Trump is a racist, con man and a cheat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avf21s/why_is_it_impolite_to_say_donald_trump_is_a/
%
This post is directed to the person who hacked my reddit account.

I swear I'm going to find out who you are!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avf19o/this_post_is_directed_to_the_person_who_hacked_my/
%
"Mom, why there's nothing in the refrigerator?"

"You're gaining too much weight, that's the reason."
"You're just jealous because I've got bigger boobs than you do."
"That's the point, Eric. You shouldn't have bigger boobs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avf01x/mom_why_theres_nothing_in_the_refrigerator/
%
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

But then I quit cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aveznw/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_thanksgiving_leftovers/
%
What do you call a good smelling rapper?

Post Cologne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avewjz/what_do_you_call_a_good_smelling_rapper/
%
A man is trying to pickup a woman at the beach.

And he’s not having too much luck. He sees that the lifeguard is very successful with charming the ladies, so he goes up to the lifeguard and asks, “what’s your secret?”
The lifeguard takes pity on him, so he tells him, “look, don’t tell anyone, but I take a potato and place it into my swimsuit to make myself seem more impressive. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
The man says, “oh I get you man, I see what you’re laying down.” He thanks the lifeguard and goes back home.
The next day, the man is back on the beach. The potato is in his swimsuit and he’s strutting his stuff. Only it’s not working. Infact, it’s doing the opposite; it’s repeling women.
The man storms up to the lifeguard and yells, “hey man, what’s the deal? Why isn’t this working?”
And the lifeguard says, “it’s supposed to go in the front.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avesyo/a_man_is_trying_to_pickup_a_woman_at_the_beach/
%
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avepsy/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
%
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aveoev/how_did_burger_king_get_dairy_queen_pregnant/
%
Senator: You said Facebook has cookies correct?

Zucc: Yes Senator that is correct, Facebook does use cookies.
Senator: Where can I get some of those cookies and how are they made?
Zucc: I’m sorry senator I don’t know wha...
Senator: *repeats question but LOUDER*
Zucc: Senator I...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aveipk/senator_you_said_facebook_has_cookies_correct/
%
How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. They are efficient but not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avedvi/how_many_germans_do_you_need_to_change_a_light/
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What do you call a large group of anti-vaxxers?

A quarantine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avebuv/what_do_you_call_a_large_group_of_antivaxxers/
%
A dad walks into the room and sees his daughter having sex with a boy. The girl says, “Dad, I’m sorry!”

Dad: Hi Sorry, I’m dad!
Then he turns to the boy and says, “Are you fucking sorry?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ave9az/a_dad_walks_into_the_room_and_sees_his_daughter/
%
Well... Well... Well...

If it isn't 3 holes in the ground...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ave967/well_well_well/
%
A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...

He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.
The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.
"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"
"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "I'M LITERALLY SOAKING!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ave82z/a_german_lifesaver_carries_a_dog_that_nearly/
%
A man and his brother met up for drinks

After a long night of drinking and laughing, the two men head home. On the way, they both delve into their love life, and the first man mentions the new girl he's been seeing.
"Yeah dude, we met at work and went out for dinner. She's gorgeous!"
His brother turns to him and asks,
"Nice! What's she look like?"
"Well," he replied, "she's got long blonde hair, brown eyes, and a 10/10 body."
The two fell silent for a moment before the first man continued.
"I tell you man, Sharon is great, but I get the feeling she's seeing another man."
"Really? What gives you that idea?"
"The only time I get to see her is at night. She claims she works in the mornings and leaves before I wake up, almost always dressed nice, and when she comes back she smells strongly of men's cologne."
The brother pondered for a moment.
"That's odd. It sounds a lot like my situation, except reversed. This girl I met recently, Karen, is only available really early in the mornings, and claims she has to care for her mother at night. She even looks exactly like the woman you described."
The two stopped walking and thought for a moment before coming to a shocking realization. The rest of the walk home was silent, with awkwardness hanging in the air. Upon arriving home, the two got a cup of coffee and stayed up all night talking out the situation. It took hours; but the two came to came to a solution where neither had to break up with the girl. They decided that Sharon is Karen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ave54d/a_man_and_his_brother_met_up_for_drinks/
%
I'm only a college student right now...

... But I just can't wait to get a job in the field I've spent so much time and money studying!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ave4vl/im_only_a_college_student_right_now/
%
To the handicapped man who stole my wallet

:
"You can hide, but you can’t run."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ave3o6/to_the_handicapped_man_who_stole_my_wallet/
%
Was at my neighbors house, and their 2 year old unvaccinated child would not stop crying.

Must have been a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ave056/was_at_my_neighbors_house_and_their_2_year_old/
%
Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avdxke/why_dont_italians_like_jehovahs_witnesses/
%
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avdu38/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_was_shot_with_a/
%
Has anybody lost a large roll of 20 dollar bills in a rubber band?

Because we found the rubber band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avdrjo/has_anybody_lost_a_large_roll_of_20_dollar_bills/
%
What do you call a russian with 3 balls?

Whodyounickabollockov

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avdm1y/what_do_you_call_a_russian_with_3_balls/
%
Man walks in to a bar and asks for a spoonful of lager in a pint glass, topped up with water.

"That's a strange drink to order" says the barman.
"That's what you'd be drinking if you had what I've got" replied the man.
"What have you got?" Asked the barman.
"Eleven Pence"....,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avdlkp/man_walks_in_to_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_spoonful_of/
%
A man with Down syndrome walks in to a bar

The barman says ' hey! Why the Mong face?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avdjys/a_man_with_down_syndrome_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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Then the bartender says: "I'm sorry, we don't serve timetravelers here."

A man walks into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avdimr/then_the_bartender_says_im_sorry_we_dont_serve/
%
Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?

I mean, there was twenty of them....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avdgp3/why_did_the_mormon_elder_get_in_trouble_for/
%
What's the worst part about getting a prostate exam?

Realizing you have 2 hands on your shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avdf31/whats_the_worst_part_about_getting_a_prostate_exam/
%
The inventor of the jigsaw puzzle has died today...

...his wife is said to be in 1500 pieces!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avdes1/the_inventor_of_the_jigsaw_puzzle_has_died_today/
%
Being kissed when you are asleep is one of the most purest forms of love

Unless you are in prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avd8mu/being_kissed_when_you_are_asleep_is_one_of_the/
%
Two balloons were floating around a desert.

One said to the other, "look, a cactussssssssss..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avd8g7/two_balloons_were_floating_around_a_desert/
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What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?

Climax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avd8d3/what_is_the_warmest_period_in_the_history_of_the/
%
I'm taking all my savings and going to travel,

I estimate I'll be back tomorrow by midday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avd5fs/im_taking_all_my_savings_and_going_to_travel/
%
What did the bartender say to Einstein when he walked in the bar at the speed of light?

Why the short face.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avcyze/what_did_the_bartender_say_to_einstein_when_he/
%
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken rolls over, lights up a cigarette and says “Well, I guess that answers that question.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avcyjn/a_chicken_and_an_egg_are_lying_in_bed/
%
A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.

A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than ten seconds.
The man asks one of the angels there about the strange wall. The angel responds:"Each clock in this room represents a country back on Earth. You see, each clock has the country's name written on the hand, and each time a person from that country commits a sinful act, the hand on said clock goes forward a bit. The bigger the country the bigger the clock."
Intrigued by this, the man seeks out the clock of his own country, Canada. And what do you know, there it is, going forward one step at a time. He looks at all the other clocks, like Russia, the biggest if them all. Right next to Russia is tiny Estonia, and next to that Finland, Sweden and Norway, all going steadily forward, almost simultaneously.
But one clock is missing. The man asks the angel, "Where is the American clock? I thought it would be pretty big, but I can't see it anywhere."
The angel responds:"Ah yes, that one. An arrangement was made to have that one transferred to hell."
The man asks:"Huh? Why is that?"
To which the angel responds:"It's being used as the ceiling fan in the smoking room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avcxcu/a_man_goes_to_heaven_and_to_his_surprise_he_sees/
%
My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avcwsz/my_marriage_is_over/
%
All of the parents who claim that vaccines cause autism have nothing to be afraid of.

You can't get autism twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avcw4k/all_of_the_parents_who_claim_that_vaccines_cause/
%
My girlfriend turns on loud music whenever she goes to the bathroom...

So I can't hear shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avcv4u/my_girlfriend_turns_on_loud_music_whenever_she/
%
I asked a young pretty homeless woman if I could take her home?

She smiled and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avcrzx/i_asked_a_young_pretty_homeless_woman_if_i_could/
%
One night my family was having dinner

We were having something Mexican but we had a box of white cheddar cheese itz, we always have some sort of chips or crackers.
My brother had a plate of just rice and he was putting the cheese itz on the rice. I was super confused until he said
“Hey Zack, have you heard in our lord and savior, Cheese itz rice?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avco1q/one_night_my_family_was_having_dinner/
%
Why did the cube refused to fuck icosahedron?

Because their relationship was solidly platonic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avclv9/why_did_the_cube_refused_to_fuck_icosahedron/
%
A day at the races

Two female teachers took a group of pupils from years 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Epsom Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'willies' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in year 3?
'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Atlantic Jewell in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avckow/a_day_at_the_races/
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A Corpulent Woman visits the Doctor

Woman: Hey Doc, everytime I walk up the stairs my back hurts and my heart beats like crazy.
Doc: I imagined something like that right when you walked in here. You're morbidly obese.
Woman: That's outrageous. I want a second opinion!
Doc: Alrigt, you're also pretty ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avcj8i/a_corpulent_woman_visits_the_doctor/
%
Whats it called when storks deliver the wrong baby?

Male fraud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avceee/whats_it_called_when_storks_deliver_the_wrong_baby/
%
there are 3 types of people in this world,

one can count, the other can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avcctf/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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How do you blow an anti vaxxers mind?

Invent the cure for autism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avccj2/how_do_you_blow_an_anti_vaxxers_mind/
%
An Irish bride is interviewed by police after a fight broke out at her wedding reception.

*“Well officer, it’s customary for the bride to dance with the best man before the bride and groom leave for their honeymoon. I was dancing with the best man Paddy when all of a sudden me husband Seamus came running on the dance floor and kicked me as hard as he could smack bang between my legs.”*
&nbsp;
The officer winces a little and says *”Ouch! that must have really hurt!?!”*
&nbsp;
*“Well yes now it did, but I got off lightly really, poor Paddy got three broken fingers.”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avc99i/an_irish_bride_is_interviewed_by_police_after_a/
%
The church in my town fell on hard times recently...

There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local florist comes to the church in a huff.
"Please," he begs of the friars, "you must stop selling flowers! Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, so nobody comes to my business! I'll be ruined if you keep this up."
"We're sorry," the friars tell him, "but the doors of Hod's temple must remain open, and for that we need money." Tony leaves the church, even more upset.
He goes to his neighbors asking if they'll help him boycott, but they're all too afraid to speak out. lawyer, seeing if he can solve this legally, but the lawyer won't dare try and sue the church.  He even goed to the governor, but he gets told Church isn't doing anything wrong.
The week rolls by, and the Friars grow more successful as Tony gets closer to broke. Finally, in desperation, he hires the meanest, baddest, most nasty man in town, Hue, and sends him after the Friars.
Hue scares all the firars, smashes all their tables, rips up the garden beds, and even pisses all over the remaining flowers. The next day, the Friars are no longer selling flowers, and Tony is back in business. In the end, it seems the saying is true:
Hue and only Hue can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avc1ul/the_church_in_my_town_fell_on_hard_times_recently/
%
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out. It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avc10r/he_was_in_ecstasy_with_a_huge_smile_on_his_face/
%
I vaccinated my brother a year ago, but it didn’t work...

Still doesn’t have autism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avbyve/i_vaccinated_my_brother_a_year_ago_but_it_didnt/
%
I thought everything in my life was hard...

And then I was diagnosed with Erectile Dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avbwib/i_thought_everything_in_my_life_was_hard/
%
Will Will Smith smith?

Will Smith will smith

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avbw7t/will_will_smith_smith/
%
I just finished 'To Kill A Mockingbird'.

1/10 Worst guide ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avbtms/i_just_finished_to_kill_a_mockingbird/
%
A guy goes to the pub...

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"
His friend replies, "Wow, that's great! I bet she's a beauty, right?"
"I don't know. I never found her head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avbscl/a_guy_goes_to_the_pub/
%
Anal with my girlfriend made my whole day,

And it made her hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avbr6w/anal_with_my_girlfriend_made_my_whole_day/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avbnhq/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avbfoa/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art. He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!” “No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avbeq3/last_night_a_chinese_guy_came_to_my_favorite_bar/
%
What do you call a Caucasian pyromancer

Fire Cracker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avbeob/what_do_you_call_a_caucasian_pyromancer/
%
I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avb8vr/i_saw_a_hot_girl_in_class_today_i_kept_thinking/
%
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap wrapped around his body..

The therapist says "I can see youre fucking nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avb82c/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
%
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime Mates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avb7so/did_you_hear_about_the_monkeys_who_shared_an/
%
I just bought 10,000 kW of electricity from this one company.

They charged me a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avb34a/i_just_bought_10000_kw_of_electricity_from_this/
%
Where do Microsoft employees go to work?

a Microsoft office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avb1b3/where_do_microsoft_employees_go_to_work/
%
Pakistani Girlfriend

My Pakistani GF wants to blow me tonight....
I'm not sure if I should be excited or scared ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avaugd/pakistani_girlfriend/
%
What does a useful wanker do?

Comes in handy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avam8k/what_does_a_useful_wanker_do/
%
Things kids and clothes have in common.

Put a burning iron to them and they straighten up real fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avahvs/things_kids_and_clothes_have_in_common/
%
Why do people think that cancer is so hard to beat

I'm already at stage 4.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avahhs/why_do_people_think_that_cancer_is_so_hard_to_beat/
%
Someone pooped in the water supply?

Well shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avahho/someone_pooped_in_the_water_supply/
%
Old man falls into well

Why did the old man fall into the well?
Ans: because he could not see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avad4v/old_man_falls_into_well/
%
Do you know the antonyms of the following words?

Always
Coming
From
Take
Me
Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/avacla/do_you_know_the_antonyms_of_the_following_words/
%
Who was the roundest night at King Arthur‘s round table?

Sir Cumference!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ava3uf/who_was_the_roundest_night_at_king_arthurs_round/
%
How long does an owl live?

About 6 and a half books.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ava3c8/how_long_does_an_owl_live/
%
The Gryffindor trio went for a roadtrip.

Halfway there, Harry realised him being the driver forgot to check the meter.
"What were you thinking?", Ron & Hermione exclaimed.
*"Expecto Petroleum?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ava2v8/the_gryffindor_trio_went_for_a_roadtrip/
%
Today’s my 69th Day Anniversary for my Reddit Account.

Am I in a good position?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av9xrc/todays_my_69th_day_anniversary_for_my_reddit/
%
i had it all

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed.
I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym and the library.
"I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage. ”
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce? ”
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was granted parole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av9u7g/i_had_it_all/
%
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av9tun/my_girlfriend_just_screamed_at_me_for_tickling_my/
%
Son: Dad, why's my sister called Teresa?

Dad: It's an anagram of Easter, and your Mum loves Easter.
Son: Okay, thanks Dad.
Dad: You're welcome Alan.
*bugger mobile for the formatting*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av9qw7/son_dad_whys_my_sister_called_teresa/
%
What do you call it when you kill your best friend?

Homiecide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av9ics/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_kill_your_best_friend/
%
What is your least favourite race?

Mine is the marathon... too many Kenyans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av9h6z/what_is_your_least_favourite_race/
%
What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

adults

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av9fko/what_contains_the_letters_au_t_and_s_and_is/
%
Why did the hippy drown

He was too far out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av9fbc/why_did_the_hippy_drown/
%
Colored Sailors

A ship loaded with blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both ships sink.
The Sailors were marooned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av9f3m/colored_sailors/
%
Did you hear about the auto-correct programmer who lost his job?

He was fried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av95vq/did_you_hear_about_the_autocorrect_programmer_who/
%
Schools are always telling you to "follow your dreams..."

But my teachers never let me sleep in class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av90nz/schools_are_always_telling_you_to_follow_your/
%
What do you call a Mongolian swindler?

A Khan artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av90aq/what_do_you_call_a_mongolian_swindler/
%
What’s black and completely useless to society?

Decaf coffee... obviously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av8zh1/whats_black_and_completely_useless_to_society/
%
What is Elon Musk's favorite band?

30 Seconds to Mars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av8zbl/what_is_elon_musks_favorite_band/
%
I've heard many things about the benefits of probiotics, but I think they are too expensive . . .

So can anyone recommend any good amateur biotics?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av8lff/ive_heard_many_things_about_the_benefits_of/
%
A husband and a wife are shopping

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” says the wife. “There on sale, 24 cans for $10” says the husband. “Put it back we can’t afford it” demands the wife. They continue shopping. A few isles later, the woman picks up a $20 face cream and puts it in the cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” Says the husband. “It’s my face cream, it makes me beautiful” replies the wife. Her husband retorts
“So does the Budweiser, and it’s half the price”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av8ik5/a_husband_and_a_wife_are_shopping/
%
What do you call a hooker's farts?

Prosti-toots!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av8giw/what_do_you_call_a_hookers_farts/
%
Hey Ernie, want some ice cream?

Sherbert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av88cr/hey_ernie_want_some_ice_cream/
%
The cashier at the Hand Gestures Store told me they were having a sale on slaps today.

So I told him, "Give me five!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av83ro/the_cashier_at_the_hand_gestures_store_told_me/
%
I fermented a bible and tried to make liquor, but to my frustration , it's non-alcoholic

Turns out it has 0 proof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av7yjp/i_fermented_a_bible_and_tried_to_make_liquor_but/
%
There is a new site for senior citizen dating.

Its called "I've fallen in love and I can't get up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av7qnp/there_is_a_new_site_for_senior_citizen_dating/
%
Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?

Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av7qgo/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_in_1981_that_got_lsd/
%
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy.

So, Happy got out...
Then they all felt Grumpy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av7pob/7_dwarves_in_a_bath_and_they_all_felt_happy/
%
Why did Piglet open the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av7plu/why_did_piglet_open_the_toilet/
%
What do Anti-Vax kids play at the pool?

Marco!  Polio!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av7ioq/what_do_antivax_kids_play_at_the_pool/
%
What kind of moves does 242 year old ink bust out on the dance floor?

Indapendance
Fucking crucify me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av7h92/what_kind_of_moves_does_242_year_old_ink_bust_out/
%
Some quantum physicists play twister at a party

Later that day, one of them spontaneously flattens and three seconds later the other is hit by a car: they were still entangled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av7ewq/some_quantum_physicists_play_twister_at_a_party/
%
Two bothers, one 8 and one 5 are upstairs

Playing and the older says to the younger, today we are going to learn how to swear.
The younger brother is real excited and says ok.
The older brother says, I'm going to say fuck and you are going to say damn.
The younger brother is ecstatic.
They both go downstairs and walk into the kitchen. Their mother looks and the older brother and asks what he would like for breakfast.
He says, you know what mom, I want some Fucking corn flakes.
She smacks the shit out of him and he runs upstairs crying
The mother then looks at the youngest and sternly asks, and what do you want for breakfast.
The youngest looks at his mother and says, I don't know, but it damn sure isn't going to be cornflakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av7bna/two_bothers_one_8_and_one_5_are_upstairs/
%
[OC] Life is like a game of Tetris...

When you fit in, you disappear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av7aeu/oc_life_is_like_a_game_of_tetris/
%
And the Lord​ said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av79um/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
%
Why shouldn’t you make a agreement with wolverine ?

Because of his retractable Clause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av79rj/why_shouldnt_you_make_a_agreement_with_wolverine/
%
I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in graphic design

I have over 300 confirmed designs and don't have a single job...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av7835/ill_have_you_know_i_graduated_top_of_my_class_in/
%
What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av76mu/whats_the_worst_thing_about_breaking_up_with_a/
%
What's the most awkward place to run into a homeless person?

On your way to the Coinstar... "ehh, no i don't have any spare change, I was just on my way to turn this into real money"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av76em/whats_the_most_awkward_place_to_run_into_a/
%
A coffin crashes into the storefront of pharmacy

2 men were loading up a hearse with a coffin on a steep incline, after they loaded the cargo, they both get into the vehicle..As they start to pull away, the back door swings wide open and the coffin crashes to the ground and starts sliding down the incline, across the intersection, into the store front of a pharmacy and keeps going...The driver races after it and chases it into the pharmacy..The pharmacist in the back says "Can I help you?" and the driver says "Yeah..do you have anything to stop this coffin?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av759j/a_coffin_crashes_into_the_storefront_of_pharmacy/
%
My coworker was noodling on an idea

So I offered her a penne for her thoughts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av74sp/my_coworker_was_noodling_on_an_idea/
%
I just heard Paul Bettany is going to star in a standalone movie for the MCU which will begin filming later this year.

If the rumors are true, we're getting 2020 Vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av73en/i_just_heard_paul_bettany_is_going_to_star_in_a/
%
I have this great joke relating to construction.

I’m still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av737v/i_have_this_great_joke_relating_to_construction/
%
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. ...

The first man had married a woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Minnesota. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Wisconsin. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye - enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av71bq/three_men_were_sitting_together_bragging_about/
%
I was once in a 1 on 5 fight.

I honed my skills from years of martial arts training, and we finally managed to beat up that guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av70qj/i_was_once_in_a_1_on_5_fight/
%
What’s the most intense way to play dodgeball?

Giving someone a blowjob while riding on the teacups.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av6zcc/whats_the_most_intense_way_to_play_dodgeball/
%
I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."
"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av6ygd/i_walked_up_to_a_female_member_of_staff_in_tesco/
%
It was an expensive trip to visit those cannibals

cost me an arm and a leg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av6x1h/it_was_an_expensive_trip_to_visit_those_cannibals/
%
For the last twenty years, I've received a Valentine's Day card from the same secret admirer. So I was upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my gran dies, now this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av6x0d/for_the_last_twenty_years_ive_received_a/
%
A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down...

a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!”
“What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief.
The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down yet another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor.
“I’ll save your life if you promise to fuck me after.” He offers while holding on to her hand.
“Absolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I don’t want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!” At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman let’s go of her hand and she continues to fall.
On her way down, a gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims “I’ll suck!! I’ll fuck!! I’ll do anything for you!!”
The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: “What a whore” and proceeds to drop her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av6p9t/a_naked_woman_accidentally_fell_off_of_her_22nd/
%
Greying hair

A boy asked his dad "Why does hair turn grey?"
His dad considered his own grey hair and said "Son, everytime you do something shameful, I get a grey hair.  Whenever you don't try your best, I get another grey hair.  And when you don't listen to your parents, I get another grey hair!"
The boy said back "I was asking about grandpa's grey hair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av6olh/greying_hair/
%
A hunter walks into a bar

and says, "I'm the best hunter there ever was. You hand me a hide, I'll tell you what animal it came from, what killed it, and I'll do it blindfolded."
The bartender blindfolds him and hands him an animal skin. He handles it for a few minutes, and then he says, "Bear." Then he feels the bullet hole and says, "Shot with a .308 rifle."  And he's right.
The cook brings in a skin from his truck, hands it to the hunter, but then the hunter says, "Elk, shot with a 125 grain fixed broad head," and he's right again.
For the rest of the night, he keeps winning and downing drink after drink. The next morning he wakes up in his hotel room, looks in the mirror and sees he has a black eye.
He says to the woman he met at the bar, "Where'd I get this black eye?" She says, "From me. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then said,
'Skunk, killed with a hatchet.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av6n43/a_hunter_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Please, please don't start growing marijuana on your cattle farm

The steaks are too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av6m54/please_please_dont_start_growing_marijuana_on/
%
When I learned about imaginary numbers in college, I was really excited.

Finally I could plot my sex life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av6lp8/when_i_learned_about_imaginary_numbers_in_college/
%
Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food.  However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.
"You know what would be even better?"
"What?"
"Going backwards, of course."
So they went backwards around the roundabout. Several times. Then the inevitable happens and they ran straight into another car. Although there is no major damage to either car, they try to think about what to do. Not being in their best state, they don't manage to get away before the cops turn up at the scene. The officer goes to the car they hit and have a chat before he comes to their car:
"Just carry on lads. This guy is so drunk he claims you were going backwards."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av6huz/based_on_an_urban_myth_two_guys_were_smoking_weed/
%
What did the unvaccinated kid say to his parents?

Nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av6hn6/what_did_the_unvaccinated_kid_say_to_his_parents/
%
What do you trust more than the government?

The ads on Pornhub telling me girls within 3 miles of my location want to hook up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av6dyn/what_do_you_trust_more_than_the_government/
%
What's the fastest spinning country?

France, because it has the most revolutions per minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av66v7/whats_the_fastest_spinning_country/
%
A landscaper is adding a bunch of sand along the edge of a pond...

He looks at the guy who owns the pond and asks "do you really want me doing this?"
The man snaps back, "YES! JUST KEEP WORKING!"
The landscaper replies "ok! Jeez! I'm just makin' shore!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av657g/a_landscaper_is_adding_a_bunch_of_sand_along_the/
%
Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?
Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping, I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.
Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.
The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.
Teacher: My goodness! Why the swelling?
Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping. I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad & mom start moving, mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up an making noises.
Then my dad asked my mom, "Are you coming?"
Mom said, "Yes, I'm coming, are you coming too?"
Dad answered "Yes"
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said "Wait for me, I'm coming too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av63gg/little_johnny_came_to_class_all_beat_up/
%
My evening wouldn’t normally start out with an erection...

..but my morning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av5zd4/my_evening_wouldnt_normally_start_out_with_an/
%
I would tell you a joke about sex...

But most of the people on this subreddit wouldn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av5z1u/i_would_tell_you_a_joke_about_sex/
%
I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av5th1/i_bought_a_toilet_brush_since_i_saw_one_in_pretty/
%
What did the Muslim guy say when his joke made the front page?

Source: Am Muslim guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av5pgj/what_did_the_muslim_guy_say_when_his_joke_made/
%
Note from the boy

A father was walking past his son's bedroom one day and happened to look in.
He was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up off the floor. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
Fearing the worst, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. It said:
*Dear Dad,*
*It is with great regret and sadness that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.*
*I have been finding real passion with Susie and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.*
*But it's not only the passion. Dad she's pregnant.*
*Don't worry though, Susie said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.*
*Susie has also opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.*
*In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Susie can get better. She deserves it.*
*Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.*
*Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.*
*Love, Your son Tim.*
*P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jimmy's house.*
*I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a lousy report card ...*
*That's in my desk drawer.*
*I love you.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av5oa9/note_from_the_boy/
%
The Art Colletor

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news
and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av5k9e/the_art_colletor/
%
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

All the other genders are from Ur-Anus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av5iao/men_are_from_mars_women_are_from_venus/
%
Why was the baby sent to jail after refusing to take a nap?

Because he was resisting a-rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av5hxz/why_was_the_baby_sent_to_jail_after_refusing_to/
%
How can you tell someone’s a vegan?

Oh don’t worry.  They’ll  fricking tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av5f1l/how_can_you_tell_someones_a_vegan/
%
Grammar can really change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:
I am a nazi.
I am a grammar nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av5dqn/grammar_can_really_change_the_meaning_of_a/
%
There’s something wrong with my sense of touch and depth perception...

But I just can’t put my finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av5dpe/theres_something_wrong_with_my_sense_of_touch_and/
%
Wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

That's the spirit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av582c/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_ghosts/
%
Apparently, 25% of people are below average in maths

I’m glad to be in the 73% that are good at maths

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av52es/apparently_25_of_people_are_below_average_in_maths/
%
My dad had gender reassignment surgery. Now he has a horrible poker face.

He's transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av51qd/my_dad_had_gender_reassignment_surgery_now_he_has/
%
Why is drinking alcohol gay?

Because when you are drunk, you can’t think straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av4tt4/why_is_drinking_alcohol_gay/
%
Married man picks up a girl at the bar

Married man picks up a lady at the bar, riding his motorcycle to her house he hits a cow. Police show up and the lady has a broken leg. He gets home and the wife heard it all on the police scanner and ask him what the hell was the lady doing? Husband said I dont know what that drunk bitch was doing riding a cow that late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av4rs2/married_man_picks_up_a_girl_at_the_bar/
%
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

About eight pints of beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av4q7p/what_is_the_difference_between_a_dog_and_a_fox/
%
My mate is made completely out of matted wool fabric.

He's felt better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av4oko/my_mate_is_made_completely_out_of_matted_wool/
%
If I had $20 million, I would donate a quarter of it to charity....

I’m not sure what I would do with the remaining 19,999,999.75

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av4o3f/if_i_had_20_million_i_would_donate_a_quarter_of/
%
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?

Brochure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av4hfe/hey_bro_can_you_hand_me_that_pamphlet/
%
Megan and Harry's future child

If Harry and Megan had a boy and named him "Artist" then changed his name he would be
The prince formerly known as Artist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av4gnc/megan_and_harrys_future_child/
%
What Beer does Mr. Potato Head drink?

Spud Lite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av4evq/what_beer_does_mr_potato_head_drink/
%
Did you guys hear the one about the deaf guy?

Don't worry, he didn't either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av4bh9/did_you_guys_hear_the_one_about_the_deaf_guy/
%
I really want to buy one of those grocery store check out dividers...

But the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av49ep/i_really_want_to_buy_one_of_those_grocery_store/
%
Wanna know why those baboons are always drinking in the park?

It’s the only place with monkey bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av48cq/wanna_know_why_those_baboons_are_always_drinking/
%
What's the difference between a libertarian paradise and anarchy?

About six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av454o/whats_the_difference_between_a_libertarian/
%
How do you circumcise a guy from Alabama?

Kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av43l7/how_do_you_circumcise_a_guy_from_alabama/
%
When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato?

When it's a French Fry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av40zu/when_is_an_irish_potato_not_an_irish_potato/
%
Wanna know whats better with i?

ESPN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3z5c/wanna_know_whats_better_with_i/
%
Motorbikes are ideal transportation for people that don't intend to have children.

They wouldn't even let me bring our newborn home from the hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3ycp/motorbikes_are_ideal_transportation_for_people/
%
What do you call it when a pair of Egyptians fart simultaneously?

A Tutankhamen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3xjk/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_pair_of_egyptians_fart/
%
How do you call a slutty korean girl ?

Sum Yung-Ho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3w2j/how_do_you_call_a_slutty_korean_girl/
%
What do Mike Tyson and Jim Jones have in common?

They can both take you out with one punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3sze/what_do_mike_tyson_and_jim_jones_have_in_common/
%
During the last school play I felt funny and came over queasy.

At which point I was told to leave the production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3qn4/during_the_last_school_play_i_felt_funny_and_came/
%
An architect

storms into the CEOs office holding a towel to his bloody nose. "Good God, man, what happened to you!?" the CEO exclaimed.
"Sir, the lead architect on the Legend project just punched me in the face for questioning his designs, which frankly are impossible. Take a look." The architect pulled up the latest revision on the screen and to the CEO's dismay, he was right.
"Let me handle this," the CEO said. He went to confront the lead architect. "One of our architects just came to me with a bloody nose and showed me your design," he said. "This is unacceptable behaviour and what's more, I find that every floor of the design has only two exterior walls!"
The lead architect stood firm. "Sir, that man called me a dramatic, eccentric, maniac. I had no choice. And as for the design, well now you see there are two sides to every story."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3pov/an_architect/
%
What type of math does John Deere do?

Prime tractorization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3of7/what_type_of_math_does_john_deere_do/
%
Did you know that diarrhea is a genetic disorder

It runs in your jeans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3net/did_you_know_that_diarrhea_is_a_genetic_disorder/
%
A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3mdr/a_mother_taught_her_son_to_go_to_the_bathroom_by/
%
My wife asked me how much weight I’ve lost since the new year started. I told her 50 pounds.

No way! That’s great, but I hate to say it doesn’t look it. Are you sure?
Well, yes. I’ve lost the same five pounds ten times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3kiv/my_wife_asked_me_how_much_weight_ive_lost_since/
%
My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3jeq/my_therapist_said_the_best_treatment_for/
%
I'm at a Mexican electronics store and the clerk asked me what kind of cables I was looking for.

I told him, "Audios."
He left and hasn't come back since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3j84/im_at_a_mexican_electronics_store_and_the_clerk/
%
The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3iqs/the_american_government_is_just_like_a_car/
%
What's the square root of 69?

8 something....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3hw4/whats_the_square_root_of_69/
%
I was walking home and someone threw a block of cheese out of their window hit me on the head

I turned and shouted that wasn’t very mature was it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3ex0/i_was_walking_home_and_someone_threw_a_block_of/
%
I remember the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket

Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3d4i/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said_before/
%
Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child abuse -

Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3cwe/cardinal_george_pell_has_just_been_convicted_of/
%
What shirt size does Bill Gates wear?

Excel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3cgx/what_shirt_size_does_bill_gates_wear/
%
Why did the slutty chicken cross the road?

To get to the cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av39w1/why_did_the_slutty_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av38ib/a_blonde_wanting_to_earn_some_money_decided_to/
%
Donald Trump's first summit with Kim Jong-un was only to get feedback about the quality of his tweets.

Who better to ask than the Supreme Reader?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av38f1/donald_trumps_first_summit_with_kim_jongun_was/
%
What does the sign say on and out-of-business brothel?

Beat it.  We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av3821/what_does_the_sign_say_on_and_outofbusiness/
%
PETA should respect Steve Irwin

by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.
That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av35nc/peta_should_respect_steve_irwin/
%
One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."
Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av2yv8/one_day_after_sex_my_girl_told_me_she_used_to_be/
%
Will and the Narnidian

There was once a little shopkeeper that lived in Narnidia who sold various 'crafted' items. Eventually, he decided (for one reason or another) that he needed to move to the US. After moving, his very first customer walks in. The shopkeeper says, in a friendly manner, "Name?" The guy says "Will."  The shopkeeper immediately grabs him and brings him on to his scale. After weighing him, the shopkeeper lets Will explore the rest of the shop.  Will really likes the selection available and decides to come back, even though the weighing thing was a little weird.   Next visit, the same thing happened - he was rushed to the scale, the shopkeeper looked at it, then he shopped.  After a few weeks and a couple more visits, Will finally asks why he was being brought to the scale. The shopkeeper slowly turns around and says: "Where there's a Will, there's a weigh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av2xh9/will_and_the_narnidian/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av2vw0/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80_years/
%
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av2ra3/how_do_we_know_the_indians_were_the_first_people/
%
Alcohol makes you gay because you get drunk

and you can't think straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av2nek/alcohol_makes_you_gay_because_you_get_drunk/
%
Why shouldn't you let Elsa hold a balloon?

Because she'll just let it go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av2ir9/why_shouldnt_you_let_elsa_hold_a_balloon/
%
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They all use gas lighting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av2gio/how_many_narcissists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
No one:

Numbers: 0 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av2b2i/no_one/
%
Did you hear the tagline for the new show: "6th Sense on Ice"?

Icey dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av2aqk/did_you_hear_the_tagline_for_the_new_show_6th/
%
"Bad news son, the price of Vodka has risen", said the father. "Does that mean that you will drink less", asks the son.

"No, you will eat less."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av25df/bad_news_son_the_price_of_vodka_has_risen_said/
%
Who's the tidiest of all the sea creatures?

Personally I think it's the killer whales. They're the best at orca-nizing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av24eu/whos_the_tidiest_of_all_the_sea_creatures/
%
A problem shared is a problem halved.

Unless it’s aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av1zw8/a_problem_shared_is_a_problem_halved/
%
A man goes to the doctor and says that he can hear voices coming from his underwear.

Doctor says "Don't listen to them. They're talking bollocks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av1jvt/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_that_he_can/
%
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy

So Happy got out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av1jtk/7_dwarves_in_a_bath_and_they_all_felt_happy/
%
What do you call a blood cell running for president?

Capillary Clinton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av1geu/what_do_you_call_a_blood_cell_running_for/
%
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.

I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av1dh5/i_was_at_the_library_today_when_a_black_guy_came/
%
A friend once asked me what's my favorite time of the day

I said it was simple: 6:30, hands down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av1bwm/a_friend_once_asked_me_whats_my_favorite_time_of/
%
After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails.

She’s hidden his teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av19rg/after_40_years_my_grandma_has_finally_gotten_my/
%
Below our Southern border is filled with chaos, violence, and corruption. The government is in shambles and the people are always fighting amongst themselves.

Thank god I live in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av15f2/below_our_southern_border_is_filled_with_chaos/
%
I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av12kk/i_go_to_the_store_and_buy_ten_hotdogs_nine/
%
You know what, I'm starting to think the wall might be a good idea.

I mean, China built one and I don't see any Mexicans over there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av11p7/you_know_what_im_starting_to_think_the_wall_might/
%
I decided not to replace my rear mirror.

I haven’t looked back since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av10lo/i_decided_not_to_replace_my_rear_mirror/
%
After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself,
and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0ydq/after_almost_a_year_in_a_coma_my_wife_is_having/
%
I went to a party dressed as an egg

I met a girl dressed as a chicken. A lifelong question was answered that night: it was the egg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0wxq/i_went_to_a_party_dressed_as_an_egg/
%
How do Communists revive people?

By using CCCPR!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0ust/how_do_communists_revive_people/
%
Sinks can’t open doors

Let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0rel/sinks_cant_open_doors/
%
What's Kim Jong Un's favorite game?

Don't Starve Together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0nz1/whats_kim_jong_uns_favorite_game/
%
Patient: I keep having flashbacks to that one K-Pop concert.

Therapist: I see, I diagnose you with BTSD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0n9v/patient_i_keep_having_flashbacks_to_that_one_kpop/
%
I've deleted all my German friends from my mobile phone.

It's now Hans-free.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0ly1/ive_deleted_all_my_german_friends_from_my_mobile/
%
So last night I got mugged by six dwarfs,

Not happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0irh/so_last_night_i_got_mugged_by_six_dwarfs/
%
What does your mum and the Bermuda triangle have in common

They’ve both swallowed a lot of seamen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0hg2/what_does_your_mum_and_the_bermuda_triangle_have/
%
Two blondes and a boat.

One day a blonde was driving her car down a rural road. She glanced off to the right and in an empty field she saw another blonde in a rowboat, vigorously trying to row herself through the field to no avail. The first blonde getting frustrated angrily pulled over and shouted:
" It's blondes like you that give us a bad name!!!"
" And if I could swim I'd come over there and kick your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0ff6/two_blondes_and_a_boat/
%
An Atheist, a Cross-fitter and a Vegan all walked into a bar...

....I knew because they told everyone in the place within the first five-minutes of arriving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0cyw/an_atheist_a_crossfitter_and_a_vegan_all_walked/
%
I got asked how i see lesbian relationships

I guess "Usually in 4k" was the wrong answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0ccq/i_got_asked_how_i_see_lesbian_relationships/
%
How many political pundits does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just bitch about how the darkness is the other party's fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0c8f/how_many_political_pundits_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0bx5/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
%
They say work takes longer when you're on your own

But I find it takes longer when you're on someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av0ahr/they_say_work_takes_longer_when_youre_on_your_own/
%
Why did Hitler kill himself?

Because of the gas bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av06yl/why_did_hitler_kill_himself/
%
What makes a sock depressed?

de feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av030m/what_makes_a_sock_depressed/
%
A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”
“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.
“Then why were you playing with my pussy?”
“I couldn’t turn the pages of my book,” he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av02kp/a_couple_were_in_bed_the_wife_had_turned_over_to/
%
Sex is like the Olympics.

It only happens once every 4 years and is shorter than expected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av02cl/sex_is_like_the_olympics/
%
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in.

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av020o/a_blonde_mom_is_cooking_dinner_when_her_blonde/
%
Robert Kraft’s lawyer:

It’s gonna cost you a whole lot more for me to get you off, big guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/av01ja/robert_krafts_lawyer/
%
What brand of chocolate is popular with German priests?

Kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auzuxb/what_brand_of_chocolate_is_popular_with_german/
%
What is the difference between a Jew and a boy scout?

One comes back from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auzteb/what_is_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_boy/
%
My girlfriend asked me, “Would you rather have sex with Angelina Jolie or Mila Kunis?”

I said, “Of course.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auzsiv/my_girlfriend_asked_me_would_you_rather_have_sex/
%
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auzr6r/ive_developed_a_fetish_for_figuring_things_out/
%
The monk and the student

In one school the teacher was a monk. Most of all he loved to have a snack and a nap afterwards. Every time before the lessons he ate so much that he could barely move.
Soon after the beginning of the lessons he always took a nap and slept until the bell for the end of the lessons sounded.
The son of a poor villager was a student in the same school. His name was Lee. One time Lee asked the monk:
"Teacher, may I ask you why do you sleep in all our lessons?"
"My friend" – replied the monk without any embarrassment. - "It just seems that way. During these minutes I meet with Buddha and listen to His wise words. That's why I try to sleep as much as I can."
One time Lee took care of his sick father during the night and fell asleep at school in the morning. He slept so deeply that he didn't hear the bell, which woke the monk.
When the monk saw the sleeping boy, he got very angry, took Lee by the ear and started screaming:
"Ah, you, little weasel! How dare you fall asleep in my class?"
"Teacher" – said Lee – "It just seemed that I slept. I was with Buddha and listened to His wise words."
"And what did the all-powerful Buddha say to you?"
"The all-powerful Buddha told me:” Never in my life have I seen your teacher”."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auzouu/the_monk_and_the_student/
%
Why do we call it a wet dream,

Instead of a snorgasm?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auzonw/why_do_we_call_it_a_wet_dream/
%
What is the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auzlwx/what_is_the_difference_between_a_dead_dog_on_the/
%
Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."
The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
"Arrr, an Aye for an eye it is, then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auzkp2/two_pirates_were_aboard_the_queen_annes_revenge/
%
Steve Irwin died as he lived.

With animals in his heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auzj8y/steve_irwin_died_as_he_lived/
%
If you tell a really incredible story about making money...

It's an incomparable income parable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auzi5e/if_you_tell_a_really_incredible_story_about/
%
What’s the difference between a well dressed man riding a bicycle and a casually dressed man riding a tricycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auzgvq/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
%
Didn't see Liam Neeson at the Oscars last night.

Must be on a blacklist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auzdyc/didnt_see_liam_neeson_at_the_oscars_last_night/
%
Whenever I struggle with my identity, I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror.

I find it's the best place for self reflection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auzce0/whenever_i_struggle_with_my_identity_i_go_to_the/
%
The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auzc07/the_pastors_ass/
%
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me 'Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace'

So I bought her nothing.﻿ And now we're divorced :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auz0q0/i_asked_my_wife_what_she_wanted_for_christmas_she/
%
Work has already begun in preparation for the 2028 Olympic Games in Los Angeles

Mostly by ISIS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auz0cm/work_has_already_begun_in_preparation_for_the/
%
At first, I hated getting boners

but now, theyre starting to grow on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auyxii/at_first_i_hated_getting_boners/
%
What do you call a famous cow?

Legendairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auytlo/what_do_you_call_a_famous_cow/
%
What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auymq9/what_asian_stereo_type_do_you_hear_the_most/
%
An old man was sitting next to a kid

And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack...
So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate?
So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old
-And you think it's because he ate chocolate?
-No, it's because he minded his own business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auykfi/an_old_man_was_sitting_next_to_a_kid/
%
If I were to ever become a parent, I would never vaccinate my kids...

I'd get my doctor do it because I am not a medical professional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auyimb/if_i_were_to_ever_become_a_parent_i_would_never/
%
What is the difference between a well dressed guy on a tricycle and a poorly dressed guy on a bicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auyf8i/what_is_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_guy/
%
I'm so white

... my laptop screen dims as I sit in front of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auybsz/im_so_white/
%
The cheese industry is led by an illusive, secret cabal

They're called the Hallouminati

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auyary/the_cheese_industry_is_led_by_an_illusive_secret/
%
You know something

If you run behind the car you get exhausted and if you run ahead of the car you get tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auy4sq/you_know_something/
%
Throwing peanuts in the river

A young catholic boy went in to the confessional.
Boy: "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I threw peanuts in the river"
Priest: "That's okay son, throwing peanuts in the river is not a sin, Say one  'Our Father' and and your sins will be absolved. You may go"
A second boy entered after the first.
Boy: "Bless me father father for I threw peanuts in the river"
Priest: "There's nothing wrong with throwing peanuts in the river, my boy. Go and say one our father and you will be forgiven.
The third boy in a row came in and he too had thrown peanuts in the river. When the fourth boy came in the priest asked before he started.
Priest: "Alright son, did you also throw peanuts in the river?"
Boy: "No father!! I'm Peanuts!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auy34f/throwing_peanuts_in_the_river/
%
Why don't churches have WiFi?

They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.  :-D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auy2xc/why_dont_churches_have_wifi/
%
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auy0fq/my_son_asked_me_daddy_why_do_bees_stay_in_the/
%
What do you call a broken compass?

Safari.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auxzct/what_do_you_call_a_broken_compass/
%
Why did the pirates fall out?

They couldn’t see aye to aye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auxny7/why_did_the_pirates_fall_out/
%
How do you organise a space party?

You planet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auxkfj/how_do_you_organise_a_space_party/
%
How do you know when you can trust a cow?

When you have udder confidence in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auxj7r/how_do_you_know_when_you_can_trust_a_cow/
%
When a flat-Earther acts carelessly, what is he doing?

Living on the edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auxicx/when_a_flatearther_acts_carelessly_what_is_he/
%
What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Rrrrrr Kelly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auxdyu/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_pirate_and_a/
%
I don't personally joke about 9/11

Every joke that I make about 9/11 has a tendency to crash and burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auxd4d/i_dont_personally_joke_about_911/
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So this guy wakes up with a massive hangover...

When he wakes up, he sees a glass of water and some tylenols, with a little piece of paper with a message on it: Take this, honey, you'll feel better!''
The guy gets up, and goes down to the dining room, and notices his son, eating breakfast.
-Oh hi dad! Mom has alreday left for work, she made you your favourite breakfast. (The kid points to the man's breakfast)
-What happened?
-Well, yesterday, or should I say at 2AM today, you were so drunk, you threw up all over the living room. Mom had to clean up everything
-Shit...
-Then you had trouble getting to your room. You made so much noise.
-Wow...
-And the when you finally crashed on the bed, you punched mom in the face!
-Wait, what!? Then why did she not kick me out of the house already? Why was she so kind by giving me some medicine and making my favourite breakfast?
-Well, apparently, you punched her when she tried to cover you with a blanket. You yelled something like ''DON'T TOUCH ME BITCH! I'M A MARRIED MAN!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auxbs3/so_this_guy_wakes_up_with_a_massive_hangover/
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Young boy sneaks into his parents room while the mother was with her lover...

And hides in the closet to peek
But, the husband suddenly returns from his job
Lover jumps in the closet and meets the boy
Boy: -Its dark here
Lover: -Yeah
B: - Wanna buy my ball?
L: -No
B: - My father is right outside...
L: -How much?
B: -250$
Lover gives money
Few weeks pass, and the situation happens again
B: -Its dark here
L:-Yeah
B: -Wanna buy my sneakers?
L: -How much
B: -750$
Lover gives money
Some time passes. Father wants to play ball with his son, and finds out that he sold it and his sneakers too
F: -How much did you ask for it?
B: -1000$
F: -1000!? Thats waaaay too much, son! You realize that its unfair to sell something so cheap for so much money?
Father orders a boy to go to church and confess
Boy walks into the confession room and closes the door
B: -Its dark here
Priest: -Oh, for fuck's sake...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aux8ic/young_boy_sneaks_into_his_parents_room_while_the/
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My girlfriend said tiny pps are fine...

I just really wish she didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aux5gd/my_girlfriend_said_tiny_pps_are_fine/
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What is dangerous?

Sneezing while having diarrhea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aux428/what_is_dangerous/
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Calculus jokes

should be an integral part of this sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aux344/calculus_jokes/
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Two catholic priests are discussing their colleague's retirement.

"It's strange", says one priest.
"How so?, asked the other.
The first priest replies, "Well ever since Arthur left his church, the choirboys haven't been able to sing as high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aux28b/two_catholic_priests_are_discussing_their/
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An Englishman stops Paddy for directions.....

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"
Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"
The Englishman says "In the car."
Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aux1m8/an_englishman_stops_paddy_for_directions/
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You know you have a small pp when

..when you run into a wall with a boner and break your nose first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auwuuh/you_know_you_have_a_small_pp_when/
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What does a queen do when she burps?

Issues a royal pardon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auwupz/what_does_a_queen_do_when_she_burps/
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Either way he's getting at least two cups

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auwmxw/a_dyslexic_man_walks_into_a_bra/
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An attractive woman is sitting alone at the bar and sees a man with a military-style haircut sitting by himself at the other end, nursing his drink.

The woman notices that the man is looking glum and hasn't made any attempt to speak to anyone besides the barkeep. She takes a swig of liquid courage, saunters down the bar, and sits next to the man.
"Excuse me, sir, but are you a soldier? I couldn't help but notice your haircut!" The woman says innocently. "Yes ma'am, I am. I just got back from my second tour of duty", he replies.
"Oh my! That's very brave of you. I don't mean to be too forthcoming, but you seem kind of down in the dumps. Is everything alright?" The woman purrs. The man finishes his drink in a single quaff, takes a long, slow breath and relates to the woman that his longtime girlfriend left him on his first deployment, so he re-upped and went back in for a second tour. The second tour was grueling and gruesome and the man had lost several close friends in combat. He then explains that this was once his favorite bar but now it only brings back bad memories.
"Goodness!" The woman cried. "You must be awfully lonely these days!" The man nods and quietly says "Yes ma'am. All I seem to know is how to be a soldier."
The woman, smitten by the handsome soldier, continues to sit beside him and they keep shooting the breeze. Between the booze, good conversation, and the obvious attraction, the pair realize the sexual tension is thick enough to cut with a knife. "Forgive me for being brash, but when was the last time you had sex?" The woman coos. The soldier thinks for a moment. "I'd say probably 2015." The woman is shocked and immediately whispers in his ear that she is going to change that. They catch a ride from the bar to her house, sucking face the whole way there.
The two burst inside her home and immediately get hot and heavy. They make love everywhere and in all kinds of positions. After some of the most vigorous and fulfilling sex of their lives, the woman gasps, "That was incredible! I can't believe you haven't had sex since 2015!" The man turns to her with a puzzled look and says "It was that noticeable? It's only 0100 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auwmgx/an_attractive_woman_is_sitting_alone_at_the_bar/
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I call my friends Dodo birds

Because they don't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auwlac/i_call_my_friends_dodo_birds/
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Why is Jesus afraid of basketball?

Because he was traumatized when he got crossed real hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auwl4j/why_is_jesus_afraid_of_basketball/
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What did the deaf hooker get for her birthday?

Hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auwizd/what_did_the_deaf_hooker_get_for_her_birthday/
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3 dogs at a vet

3 dogs were waiting at a vet clinic.
Dog1: I was a very naughty boy, I bit everyone I could and even the masters baby, I am here to be put down. What about you guys?
Dog2: Well I was a naughty boy as well, I just can't wait in one place, and I destroy everything in my masters house, I am also here to be put down. What about you Dog3?
Dog3: My master is the sexiest woman alive, and she does yoga regularly in the tightest cutest yoga pants you can imagine. Yesterday she was doing the downward facing dog pose and I just couldn't hold myself back. I rushed her and ravaged her as hard as I could, my claws scratched her badly and I didn't let go for 2 hrs.
Dog1: Oh man, so you are also here to be put down.
Dog3: Naw, just here to clip my claws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auwi09/3_dogs_at_a_vet/
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What is Thanos’s favorite app?

Snapchat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auweyj/what_is_thanoss_favorite_app/
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The Jewish Lawyer and the Rabbi

<Long-ish>
A Jewish lawyer, distraught and in a semi-panic, ran to his Rabbi pleading, "Rabbi! Rabbi! You must help me!"
The Rabbi, quite concerned, inquired, "What is it? What is wrong? How may I help?"
"It's my son. He just called me. He told me he and his family are converting to Christianity! I don't understand it! I raised him in the faith, he went to the best schools, graduated from Harvard. He's got a beautiful wife and two darling daughters! *My* grandchildren! Converting to Christianity! What can I do?"
"Funny you should come to me," replied the Rabbi, "The same thing happened to me not 3 weeks ago. My son called me and told me he too was converting to Christianity. I was shocked. I raised him in the faith, he was a bright student, graduated with top honors from Yale. He got a wonderful wife and I have three grandsons! Such a blessing, but I was shocked with the news of their conversion."
The lawyer asked, "What did you do?"
"I turned to God for the answer," the Rabbi said.
"Well what did God say?"
The Rabbi replied, "God told me, 'Funny you should come to me...'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auw9kl/the_jewish_lawyer_and_the_rabbi/
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How many Feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, Men can be feminists too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auw4zk/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Inspector Javert gives up on catching Jean Valjean and opens a bakery.

But old habits die hard. The bread is on special, two for $6.01

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auvy5f/inspector_javert_gives_up_on_catching_jean/
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What did the blonde say when she saw a box of Cheerios?

"Wow! Doughnut seeds!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auvvjh/what_did_the_blonde_say_when_she_saw_a_box_of/
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A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.

"Five beers, please," he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auvvi6/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_holds_up_two_fingers/
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What do you call a vegan guy who likes to pleasure himself?

A non-dairy creamer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auvv5a/what_do_you_call_a_vegan_guy_who_likes_to/
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The Priest and the Frog.

One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the irish priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story." said the irish priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the irish priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The irish priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the irish priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,
And that my lord is the case for the Defense....... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auvtkf/the_priest_and_the_frog/
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The wind was howling through the trees...

"Shut the fuck up," said the trees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auvsjf/the_wind_was_howling_through_the_trees/
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I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.

She said "They're right behind you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auvrqk/i_went_to_the_library_and_asked_the_librarian_if/
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I was going to have a brain transplant...

...but I had a change of mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auvqpa/i_was_going_to_have_a_brain_transplant/
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Where do fish go to withdraw money

The Loan shark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auvpfr/where_do_fish_go_to_withdraw_money/
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Why do fat people lose so much at casino tables?

Because whenever they are out of chips they always grab more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auvokh/why_do_fat_people_lose_so_much_at_casino_tables/
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If Papa Roach goes on their final vacation

is it to their last resort?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auvo5i/if_papa_roach_goes_on_their_final_vacation/
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There are plenty of fish in the sea.

But fishing rods, hooks, and bait are so damn expensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auvktu/there_are_plenty_of_fish_in_the_sea/
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My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auvjg6/my_fifth_grade_teacher_taught_me_how_to_smoke_pot/
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I just got my first big acting break in a play about neurosurgery...

I'm a bundle of nerves...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auvd7p/i_just_got_my_first_big_acting_break_in_a_play/
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Why are Southerners so bad at managing money?

They only talk with drawls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auv9dx/why_are_southerners_so_bad_at_managing_money/
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I told her I'm a mechanical engineer

I can't fix her car, but I can screw, nut, and bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auv784/i_told_her_im_a_mechanical_engineer/
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What do you call a bent pickaxe?

A minor problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auv3l5/what_do_you_call_a_bent_pickaxe/
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Did you know that Gordon Ramsay is against using protection during sex?

Every time he starts out by yelling, "It's fucking raw!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auv2vy/did_you_know_that_gordon_ramsay_is_against_using/
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One Halloween long ago, in a small town in the middle of nowhere, a boy went out with his friends...

The boy, of course, did a bit more tricking than treating on that night. As he returned home after a long night of mischievous activities, he was confronted by his father.
"Were you out tipping outhouses? Because our outhouse got tipped over earlier this night," his father said.
"Of course not dad, why would I do such a thing?" he replied.
"Son, did you ever hear the story of our great president George Washington and the cherry tree?" the father asked.
"No, I haven't" was the reply.
"Well, it goes like this: one day George Washington was out and he decided to chop down his family's cherry tree. Upon discovering this, his father asked him if he had done this. President Washington was transparent with his father and admitted to cutting down the tree. Because of his honesty, his father did not punish him. Now that you've heard what our first president did, is there anything you'd like to say to me?" the father asked.
"Well, I suppose I'll tell you that I did tip over the outhouses with my friends," the boy admitted.
He was then severely punished by his father for tipping the outhouses.
"Hey, why are you punishing me, I thought you said I would go unpunished if I was honest like George Washington!" the boy exclaimed.
"Well Washinton's father wasn't in the tree when he chopped it down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auuyqy/one_halloween_long_ago_in_a_small_town_in_the/
%
In a small parish church, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest, Father Michael.

Father Michael asked the janitor, "Could you hop into the confessional and listen to confessions for me, just for a few minutes? I really have to go to the bathroom, and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance...so whatever she says, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be back in a flash and she’ll be none the wiser!"
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and began her confession.
"Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and desires, and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the pious janitor had no idea how to handle this predicament...surely just 10 Hail Marys would not do! He poked his head out of the curtain, looking around frantically for any sign of Father Michael. The only other person in he church was an altar boy, preparing for the next mass.
“Pssst! Hey son - what does Father Michael give for oral sex?”
The altar boy replied, “Uh...usually two Snickers bars and a Coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auuxt6/in_a_small_parish_church_a_janitor_was_cleaning/
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Im going to open a Kosher Hotdog stand in my attic.

It’s called Anne’s Franks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auuxrl/im_going_to_open_a_kosher_hotdog_stand_in_my_attic/
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Why did the suicidal guy cross the road?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auuuda/why_did_the_suicidal_guy_cross_the_road/
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Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auus7b/q_is_google_male_or_female/
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A Climate Change denier, a Flat-Earther and an Anti-Vaxxer walk into a bar.

The Climate Change denier orders a Hurricane, takes one sip and says "Weird, these things are getting stronger every year." The Flat-Earther orders a Jack and Coke, takes one sip and says "The coke in this is flat, just like the earth!" Then they all get measles because the Anti-Vaxxer wouldn't take a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auuowa/a_climate_change_denier_a_flatearther_and_an/
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You're 18, it's time to get laid

A a boys 18th birthday his father gives him a $100 bill and tells him to go get a hooker. So young man leaves to go look for a hooker. After a few hours of driving around and finding nothing he likes he decides to visit his grandmother.
She asks what he is up too and he tells her. She says "I'll fuck you for $20" Young dumb and horny he says yes.
Next day he goes home an his father greets him at the door "So how'd it go?! Did you get laid?"  The boy responds "yeah and I have $80 left." The father is very proud and asks where he found a hooker for only $20.
He says "Grandma"
Father shouts" WHAT???/!!! You fucked my mother?!?!?!"
Boy responds "why not you fucked mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auun4i/youre_18_its_time_to_get_laid/
%
What do you call terrorists born between 1945 and 1964?

Ka-boomers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auul15/what_do_you_call_terrorists_born_between_1945_and/
%
Old man driving

An old man is driving on the Interstate.
His wife calls on the phone and says, “Honey, be careful. I just heard on the news that a car is driving the wrong direction in the highway!”
He says, “One car hell. There’s hundreds of them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auugcf/old_man_driving/
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Alan Loved his tractors

Alan has been a fan of tractors since he was a young boy. He grew up on a farm and was obsessed with the giant machines. He ate, slept and drank tractors, his room was covered with posters of them, bed sheets, t-shirts, the whole works.
He met a girl, fell in love and eventually got married. She didn't share his love of tractors quite as much and began to get upset as Alan would spend more time at tractor conventions than with her. Weekends away, and even when he was home all he talked about were tractors.
One day She said "Right! I've had enough Alan, I love you to bits, you're my whole world. But I can't go on with you spending more time with friggin tractors than with your wife". She gave him a choice, "It's me or the tractors Alan, what will it be?". Alan wasn't stupid, he replied "Of course it is you my love, I'll give up tractors, I love you."
That was the end of tractors for Alan, everything to do with them was GONE. He didn't know what to do with all his free time, so he and his Wife went for long walks through the country side, occasionally seeing a tractor or two. However he wouldn't say a word, he genuinely was not interested in them anymore.
One day Alan and his wife were walking through the fields when they noticed a barn on fire, with people inside. With no time to wait for the fire brigade Alan ran down to help the people inside the barn. "You know what to do Alan!", screamed his wife. Alan knew exactly what to do, he ran into the barn and took in a deep breath. Inhaling all the smoke Alan ran outside and blew the smoke into the air, after doing this a few times he managed to clear the whole barn of smoke and rescue the people inside. They were amazed and very grateful to Alan for his help.
"How the hell did you do that?" asked one of them.
"Oh no problem" he said, I'm an ex-tractor fan".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auuccb/alan_loved_his_tractors/
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A young man is eating pussy in his bedroom when his mother barges in.

She screams “Mr. Whiskers!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auu9up/a_young_man_is_eating_pussy_in_his_bedroom_when/
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A professional juggler

Is just someone who gets payed to play with their balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auu9jh/a_professional_juggler/
%
A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.

The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness.
The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle.
A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mumbling in frustration at his puzzle. Eventually the man musters up the nerve to ask the Pope “is there anything I can help you with?”
The Pope says “yes my son. I need a 4-letter word for a woman ending in _UNT”
The man is absolutely horrified. He can’t tell the Pope the answer!! He is the most holy earthling alive. So he thinks and thinks and thinks until finally- it comes to him. He shouts out “of course! Aunt!”
The Pope returns to his puzzle and mumbles again before turning back to the man and asks “do you have an eraser?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auu5pp/a_man_takes_a_seat_on_a_plane_next_to_none_other/
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A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another decided to tie a bucket of water to the handle of the break room door so when the boy opened it, water would fall on top of him and make him drenched. However, he just walks off and has some lunch.
After a few more weeks of pranks, the boy isn’t fazed by any of it, so at dinner the cops tell him they’re done pranking him.
“Really? No more shoes in cement?” the boy exclaimed.
“Nope.”
“No more buckets of water on top of doors?”
“Nope.”
“Ah, good,” the boy said. “Then I won’t spit in your soup anymore.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auu4rk/a_korean_boy_who_is_the_head_chef_of_a_local_soup/
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A bus driver is on court for murdering 31 people

A bus driver is on court and being judged for running over 31 people with a bus. The judge asks the driver to explain what has happened from his vision and the following is his response.
Driver: I was driving the bus casually as I do every shift. I was going on the same route when I started going too fast down a hill. I tried to stop but the brakes were not working. The are had a lot of people around, so to stop it safely, I had to crash to a clear place. To my right, there was a kid, and to my left, there was a tourist group of 30 people. So I’ve figured the best thing to do was to crash to my right, and the kid with it.
Judge: Then how do you explain running over 31 people?
Driver: As I’ve said, I was going to crash the kid, and as I was doing that, the kid started running away and inside the group of tourists...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auu49o/a_bus_driver_is_on_court_for_murdering_31_people/
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I just started a pubic hair removal business, and I’m only taking in female customers for the first few months.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auu1pt/i_just_started_a_pubic_hair_removal_business_and/
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Where there's one fruit fetishist, there's always another.

They always come in pairs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auu1ac/where_theres_one_fruit_fetishist_theres_always/
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Me and my brother stole a calendar

We each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auu0xw/me_and_my_brother_stole_a_calendar/
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Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.” Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!” Detector: “Beep.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auu0eu/father_buys_a_lie_detector_that_makes_a_loud_beep/
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Does anyone know the PC term for short people?

...or do yall also struggle with gnomenclature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/autzig/does_anyone_know_the_pc_term_for_short_people/
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How did the programmer finally get laid?

He had some great comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/autxak/how_did_the_programmer_finally_get_laid/
%
A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/autulq/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar_orders_a_meal_and/
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Penis Van Lesbian

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name but I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/autobv/penis_van_lesbian/
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I keep seeing these “virginity rocks” stickers and I don’t get all the hype

If they’re anything like kidney stones they must suck pretty fucking bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/autnfd/i_keep_seeing_these_virginity_rocks_stickers_and/
%
Man, I was so tired last night; I had a dream I was a muffler...

and I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/autit9/man_i_was_so_tired_last_night_i_had_a_dream_i_was/
%
How do you be polite to a lady dog?

Bitch please!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/autgh6/how_do_you_be_polite_to_a_lady_dog/
%
What connection does Reddit have to the real world?

Recycling. Reuse, Reuse, and Reuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/autg7n/what_connection_does_reddit_have_to_the_real_world/
%
A little girl came up to me today and said she was having a midlife crisis.

I chuckled and said "Don't be silly! How old are you?"
She said "6"
I laughed and said, "Then how are you going through a midlife crisis if you are only 6?"
She said "Well my mom is antivaxx, so I'm unvaccinated."
"Don't be ridiculous!" I said. "A midlife crisis means you're in the middle of your lifespan right now, while right now you'll probably be dead in a week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/autdwq/a_little_girl_came_up_to_me_today_and_said_she/
%
Lots of people are upset that R. Kelly posted bail, don't worry though

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/autdi4/lots_of_people_are_upset_that_r_kelly_posted_bail/
%
2 GYNs meet up

The first one says "I had a patient today...her clitoris was like a grape."
The second one smiles and shakes his head. "Well, I had a patient today and her clitoris was like an orange."
The first one is shocked. "THAT BIG?"
"No," says the second, "it was the taste."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/autbqa/2_gyns_meet_up/
%
Have you heard the one about the gay Scottish couple?

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aut95l/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_gay_scottish/
%
Planned Parenthood as a train:

Conductor: “All Aboorrttttttt!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aut6gf/planned_parenthood_as_a_train/
%
What do you call a Goth with a foot fetish??

Edgar Allan Toes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ausxgn/what_do_you_call_a_goth_with_a_foot_fetish/
%
Knock knock

Who’s there?
Panther
Panther who?
Panther no pants, I’m going swimming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ausvh9/knock_knock/
%
I witnessed a great treachery yesterday.

It must have been at least 20 ravens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ausuii/i_witnessed_a_great_treachery_yesterday/
%
What starts with "A" and has a higher chance of being inflicted upon you if you get vaccinated?

Adulthood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ausu7h/what_starts_with_a_and_has_a_higher_chance_of/
%
What do you call a small Tyrannosaurus Rex?

A Tinysaurus Rex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ausp9b/what_do_you_call_a_small_tyrannosaurus_rex/
%
They say alcohol isnt the answer.

But chemistry says it is a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auslde/they_say_alcohol_isnt_the_answer/
%
Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredible!"
"I'm glad you like the idea, but it doesn't come cheap." The Lord replied. "It will cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," Adam said. "What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aush1v/because_it_wasnt_good_for_adam_to_be_all_by/
%
What's Robert Kraft's favorite wing flavor?

Dry rub!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auseq5/whats_robert_krafts_favorite_wing_flavor/
%
What do you call someone who is sexually attracted to the killing of stray dogs?

A PETAfile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ausdav/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_sexually/
%
What do you get when you give a wizard wireless earbuds?

Airy Podder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ausbhv/what_do_you_get_when_you_give_a_wizard_wireless/
%
Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS?

A: A steady pounding sensation in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aus7sf/q_whats_the_first_symptom_of_aids/
%
What do you call Tinder for ghosts?

Tinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aus0qu/what_do_you_call_tinder_for_ghosts/
%
A married woman is walking through a desert cave one day when she comes across a magical genie lamp

She rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out. "Thank you for getting me out of that cursed lamp! I... I was so crowded in there. Listen, to make it up to you, I'll give you three wishes".
The woman is overjoyed. She jumps up and down excitedly, but then the genie speaks again.
"However, I mush abide by the rules set for me by my creators. Everything I grant you, I grant tenfold to your husband".
Now, the woman hated her husband, but she figured she might as well have a little fun, even if her husband gets better. "My first wish, my dear genie, is to be the richest woman alive". The genie snaps his fingers, and it is so.
He speaks, "You do realize that your husband has been given tenfold of what you have received, yes?" She responds, "Yes, but he and I are one. What's mine is his and what's his is mine".
She ponders over her second wish, then decides. "I wish to be the most beautiful woman alive," she says. The genie snaps his fingers and it is so, but the husband becomes 10x as handsome as she is pretty. The genie asks, " Your husband is now far more attractive than you'll ever be, does that not concern you?" "No," she responds, "for I am the prettiest woman alive; he will only have eyes for me".
Then, she had an idea. An evil, cunning idea, and a dark smile curled her lips. She looked at the genie, and said, "I wish for a mild heart attack," thinking she could kill her husband and take all that is his.
**Her husband received a heart attack 10x as mild as hers.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aus06w/a_married_woman_is_walking_through_a_desert_cave/
%
What's more Irish than potatoes?

Not having potatoes
_(Dont know who came up with this joke but I love it)_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aurt70/whats_more_irish_than_potatoes/
%
An Airforce Pilot, an Army Engineer, and a Marine crash land in a rainforest...

They are surrounded by a tribe of cannibals and are approached by the Chief of the tribe. The Chief says that they are gonna eat them and use their skin for canoes, but they get to choose how they die. The Pilot chooses to kill himself with his sidearm, the Engineer asks for some fast acting poison. Now, the Marine thinks for a long time, and finally asks for a fork. The chief, though confused, is a man of his word and gives him a fork. The Marine begins stabbing himself with the fork. The chief asked what in the everliving fuck he wad doing, the Marine replies, "Fuck your canoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aurqmh/an_airforce_pilot_an_army_engineer_and_a_marine/
%
I went to the barber shop a few days ago to cut my hair...

I didn’t like my haircut first, but then it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aure1k/i_went_to_the_barber_shop_a_few_days_ago_to_cut/
%
What’s the difference between babies and onions?

I cry when I cut up onions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aurc5h/whats_the_difference_between_babies_and_onions/
%
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.

She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aurbf2/i_asked_my_daughter_if_shed_seen_my_newspaper/
%
Have you heard the old Chinese proverb about the importance of teamwork when repairing lamps?

'Many hands make light work'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aur97r/have_you_heard_the_old_chinese_proverb_about_the/
%
Yo mama is so fat

When she stepped on charcoal it became diamonds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aur59f/yo_mama_is_so_fat/
%
What's did the skeleton say to the person driving away in their car?

That's ma-ca-bre!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aur3t7/whats_did_the_skeleton_say_to_the_person_driving/
%
Did you know Helen Keller had a dog and a cat?

Neither did she!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aur3jy/did_you_know_helen_keller_had_a_dog_and_a_cat/
%
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aur2wl/a_distinguished_young_woman_on_a_flight_from/
%
Neil DeGrasse Tyson made a porno.

It’s called “Neil DeGrasse Tyson explores black holes”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aur1nd/neil_degrasse_tyson_made_a_porno/
%
A Catholic daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auqxz9/a_catholic_daughter_had_not_been_home_for_over_5/
%
I called my friend.

Me:  "I have a joke for you."
Friend: "Ok shoot"
Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"
Friend: "I dunno what?"
Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?
Friend: I dunno what?
*Click*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auqvo3/i_called_my_friend/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auqu4b/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

He was afraid of capitalism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auqscu/why_did_stalin_only_write_in_lowercase/
%
Just as I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auqqjv/just_as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil/
%
How does garlic seduce each other?

They take off their cloves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auqpcq/how_does_garlic_seduce_each_other/
%
The energiser bunny was arrested today

He was charged with battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auqnb0/the_energiser_bunny_was_arrested_today/
%
A man goes to a doctor with 6 plastic horses shoved up his ass

The doctor describes his condition as "stable"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auqmlj/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor_with_6_plastic_horses/
%
I slept like a log last night.

I woke up in the fireplace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auqkoh/i_slept_like_a_log_last_night/
%
Why have the Patriots won so many Super Bowls?

Because the owner really likes a happy ending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auqh6b/why_have_the_patriots_won_so_many_super_bowls/
%
A comb is the best present a bald man can receive

He’ll never part with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auqez8/a_comb_is_the_best_present_a_bald_man_can_receive/
%
I have a way to make math easier.

Make the numbers communist. That way, every number is equal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auqdcy/i_have_a_way_to_make_math_easier/
%
Did you hear about the picture that hung itself?

It was framed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auqckd/did_you_hear_about_the_picture_that_hung_itself/
%
If a girl says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes she will

No need to remind her every 15 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auqchw/if_a_girl_says_shell_be_ready_in_5_minutes_she/
%
I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old woman came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auq94g/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_bank_today/
%
Android group chats be like

Laughed at “Android group chats be like”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auq7sk/android_group_chats_be_like/
%
What do a Prostitute and a Empty Lot have in common?

They both say " coming soon ", and they are both lying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auq7q4/what_do_a_prostitute_and_a_empty_lot_have_in/
%
If you add coke to your whiskey, you're a novice drinker.

If you add whiskey to your coke, you're ruining good drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auq78a/if_you_add_coke_to_your_whiskey_youre_a_novice/
%
Guy: I’m hungover

Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auq6ho/guy_im_hungover/
%
PETA is a successful investor

in the laughing stock market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auq153/peta_is_a_successful_investor/
%
Friend of mine sends me a link to a reposted joke on r/Jokes

I say : "No thanks, I've already Reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aupzg3/friend_of_mine_sends_me_a_link_to_a_reposted_joke/
%
What’s better than good silverware?

Good silver here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aupy3x/whats_better_than_good_silverware/
%
John Wilkes Booth

, to his fiancee: "I have an important role to play tonight at Ford's Theatre."
Fiancee: "Break a leg!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aupw29/john_wilkes_booth/
%
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aups3k/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
%
How did the Japanese sheep greet the farmer?

Konichi-baaaaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aups0w/how_did_the_japanese_sheep_greet_the_farmer/
%
My relationships are like my dad

They just don't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aupmhd/my_relationships_are_like_my_dad/
%
A sick man comes to a doctor. After an inspection, the doctor says "I have very bad news for you."

The man asks "What is so wrong?"
The doctor answers: "I missed all the lectures about your illness back in med school."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aupln4/a_sick_man_comes_to_a_doctor_after_an_inspection/
%
A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship...

After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain.  The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
"Yarr, welcome aboard!  Good to have you," The Captain tells the recruit.  "Do ye have any questions for me?"
"Well I was wondering..." the recruit started.  "How did you get the peg leg?"
"Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle.  Any other questions, landlubber?"
"Well how did you get the hook then?" the recruit asked.
The Captain grimaced.  "My hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle.  Luckily I had a shot in me pistol... I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead."
Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: "How did you get the eye-patch?"
The Captain looked down, embarrassed.  "A seagull pooped in me eye," he stated coldly.  The recruit seemed surprised.
"A seagull?  That doesn't seem like it would cause you to lose your eye.  Did it get infected?"
"No," the Captain started.  "It was the day after I got me hook..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aupjnn/a_sailor_is_recruited_onto_a_pirate_ship/
%
I'm starting to think that reincarnation is a real thing.

I mean just take a look at the number of reposts on this sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aupiz2/im_starting_to_think_that_reincarnation_is_a_real/
%
Did you hear about Schrodinger's missing luggage?

It was an open and shut case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aupg0k/did_you_hear_about_schrodingers_missing_luggage/
%
What’s the name of Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother?

Broco Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aupbvh/whats_the_name_of_bruce_lees_vegetarian_brother/
%
A man is trying to pick up women at the beach...

And he’s not having too much luck. He sees that the lifeguard is very successful with charming the ladies, so he goes up to the lifeguard and asks, “what’s your secret?”
The lifeguard takes pity on him, so he tells him, “look, don’t tell anyone, but I take a potato and place it into my swimsuit to make myself seem more impressive. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
The man says, “oh I get you man, I see what you’re laying down.” He thanks the lifeguard and goes back home.
The next day, the man is back on the beach. The potato is in his swimsuit and he’s strutting his stuff. Only it’s not working. Infact, it’s doing the opposite; it’s repeling women.
The man storms up to the lifeguard and yells, “hey man, what’s the deal? Why isn’t this working?”
And the lifeguard says, “it’s supposed to go in the front.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aup8rj/a_man_is_trying_to_pick_up_women_at_the_beach/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a large obsession with The Monkees.

At first I didn't believe her, but then I saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aup4lo/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_have_a/
%
A lady goes into a supermarket...

She walks down the first aisle and buys a single pint of milk.
She walks down the next aisle and picks up a little half loaf of bread.
She goes to the next aisle and chooses a ready-made shepherds pie for one and takes her shopping to the checkout.
The cashier starts to scan her items and says, 'Let me guess, you're single?'
The lady chuckles, slightly embarrassed. 'Why yes, however could you tell?' she asks.
'Because you're fucking ugly.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aup3kw/a_lady_goes_into_a_supermarket/
%
9 years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a first date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aup2ef/9_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_out_on/
%
What time did the man go to the dentist?

Tooth hurt-y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aup1fp/what_time_did_the_man_go_to_the_dentist/
%
I tried snorting coke once...

I tried snorting coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aup05b/i_tried_snorting_coke_once/
%
A student arrives late to class

Teacher asks: Why are you late today?
Student: Someone lost a hundred dollar bill while I was on my way to school.
Teacher: Oh, so you were helping him?
Student: No, I was standing on top of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auozy9/a_student_arrives_late_to_class/
%
When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auoz1o/when_i_was_a_kid_you_could_walk_into_a_gas/
%
Wanna hear a dark joke?

So this morning I couldn't find the light switch...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auoqjm/wanna_hear_a_dark_joke/
%
Did you know that Canada has a Prime Minister, not a President? You might think I’m making this up, but...

It’s Trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auonmq/did_you_know_that_canada_has_a_prime_minister_not/
%
Friend: During sex, one burns as much calories as running for 5 miles.

2nd Friend: Who the fuck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auolpd/friend_during_sex_one_burns_as_much_calories_as/
%
What's the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex?

One browns your meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auofry/whats_the_difference_between_a_microwave_oven_and/
%
[NSFW] Apparently Mohammed is now the most popular male name

Guess you could say it blew up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auoeus/nsfw_apparently_mohammed_is_now_the_most_popular/
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Engineers!

Background information:
In India we have long distance trains which are pulled using engines and have toilet facilities, and seats which double as beds. It issues two types of tickets one is to ride the train (used by people to travel short distances, 8-10hrs) and another is to ride the train and have a seat assigned (used for longer distances).
We also have, in certain cities like Mumbai, a local train system, which is electric, has only seats (which people do sometimes use as beds) and no toilet facilities, usually running within the city or to closer by towns a short distance away, usually the entire journey is under 5hrs
Onto the joke.
5 doctors and 5 engineers had to go out of the city, so they had a short 5-6 hour travel in the long distance train. The doctors had purchased a ticket each and the engineers bought 1 ticket and split the cost. The ticket collector (TC) came around to check the tickets. He clipped the tickets of each of the doctors and in the meantime all the engineers went and hid in the toilet. The TC knocked on the door, it was opened ever so slightly and the single ticket was thrust out, the TC checked it, clipped it and gave it back.
On the return journey, the doctors were angry to have spent money. They decided to use the same trick as the engineers. They bought 1 ticket amongst themselves, the engineers noted this and didn't buy any tickets at all. When the TC arrived the doctors and engineers all went to hide in the toilet. The doctors were smiling thinking the engineers would be fined, when there is a knock on their door asking for a ticket. One of the doctors hands out the ticket and the engineer who asked for it takes it and goes back to the toilet they have hidden in. The real TC comes the engineers repeat the process and their ticket is clipped, while the doctors are asked to step out and are all fined. The doctors are livid.
They reach the city and there is a further train they need to take to reach their work place. The doctors decide they won't but any ticket and will trick the engineers. The engineers all purchase a ticket apiece. The TC comes and the doctors smugly get up to hide in the toilet and the engineers quietly sit and have their tickets clipped. The doctors are all caught and fined again because there is no toilet in the local train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auocag/engineers/
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Where did the Italians keep the Jews during WWII?

In the Spaghettos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aunzv0/where_did_the_italians_keep_the_jews_during_wwii/
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It's your grave. Have fun with it!

Before I die, I'll have 3 graves made for me.
Suppose you're walking in the graveyard, then this is what you'll see -
1st stone - Hey what's up?
You feel awkward and move to the next one that says -
2nd stone - Remember me? I'm the same guy from the last grave. The next one is also mine!
You think that this is messed up but you move to the next grave which just blows your mind. It says
3rd stone - Now I have a question for you. WHICH ONE OF THESE HAS MY BODY ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aunze9/its_your_grave_have_fun_with_it/
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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant

and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. "Oh my, I am so sorry," she says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can't believe his luck. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aunxc0/this_guy_is_dining_alone_in_a_fancy_restaurant/
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Two guys are walking through the woods

one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.
The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."
The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."
So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise.
The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy  gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise."
So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"
The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aunx80/two_guys_are_walking_through_the_woods/
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Just bought﻿﻿﻿ a Volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay.....

Swede car online﻿﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aunuac/just_bought_a_volvo_from_neil_diamond_on_ebay/
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On local news this morning: A woman in Dublin escaped a fire in a block of flats by jumping from the top floor onto a trampoline below.

Several times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aunpih/on_local_news_this_morning_a_woman_in_dublin/
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My friends told me my girlfriend isnt real...

Jokes on them, they're not either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aunmt9/my_friends_told_me_my_girlfriend_isnt_real/
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I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards,

Because change should come from within.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aunlix/i_swallowed_a_penny_and_then_vomited_it_afterwards/
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I bet you can't name an entierly useless member of soceity.

My parents did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auni27/i_bet_you_cant_name_an_entierly_useless_member_of/
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Three Blondes Walk into a Bar...

They get a table and order a round of drinks. When the server brings the drinks over, the blondes clink the glasses together and say, "A toast to 36 hours!"
The blondes order several more rounds, and each time they make the same toast to 36 hours. After the fourth round, the server gives in to curiosity and asks, "Why are you toasting to 36 hours?"
One of the blondes replies, "Oh well, we just finished this really hard jigsaw puzzle, and on the side of the box it said 2 to 4 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aungc2/three_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
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Soviet Joke about Jews.

Little Jewish boy Moishe comes home, walks up to his mother, and says:
“Mom, mom, I wrote at school today in the column “Nationality" that I’m Russian! “Son, what do you eat for lunch every day?” - "Chicken!" - "And now you will eat potatoes, like all Russian children."
Moishe becomes upset, and goes to his dad, he thinks maybe his dad will approve. Going to dad: - "Dad, dad, today I wrote "Russian" in the column "Nationality" at school!" - "Son, how do you go to school every day?" - "By car dad!" - "And now you will ride a tram, like all Russian children."
Moishe, very upset, goes to his grandfather, maybe he will approve: - "Grandfather, grandfather, today I wrote "Russian" in the column “Nationality!” - "Grandson, how much pocket money did you get for school every day?" - "100 grandfather!" “And now you will receive a ruble. Like all Russian children." Moishe becomes completely upset, and sits down with his family for dinner. Everyone eats a chicken, winking at each other. Moishe eats potatoes. And then Mom asks Moishe: “Well, son, how do you like being Russian?” - "Damn, I'm Russian just for a couple of hours, and already hate you, damn Jews!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auned5/soviet_joke_about_jews/
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What do you call a Jewish person with a sour stomach?

an Acidic Jew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aundo1/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_person_with_a_sour/
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Why are miscarried children very smart?

Because they weren't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aunbsz/why_are_miscarried_children_very_smart/
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A prediction business recently shut down due to bankruptcy.

It wasn't going well to begin with, seeing as though they didn't manage make any prophets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aun7ws/a_prediction_business_recently_shut_down_due_to/
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Time flies like an arrow

But fruit flies like a banana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aun7ex/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
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What do you call a gay chemist?

Homogeneous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aun0m8/what_do_you_call_a_gay_chemist/
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How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows because the women always get to keep the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aumzv0/how_many_divorced_men_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A new gynaecologist just opened near my area but, people are saying he is deaf...

I guess he is a really good lip reader...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aumusx/a_new_gynaecologist_just_opened_near_my_area_but/
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Today a woman told me that I have a beautiful smile and asked me what I use on my teeth.

I looked at her and said "Polygrip".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aumqjg/today_a_woman_told_me_that_i_have_a_beautiful/
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What does an annoying pepper do

It gets jalepeno face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aumpoc/what_does_an_annoying_pepper_do/
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Q: How does every Islamic joke start?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aumpjc/q_how_does_every_islamic_joke_start/
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Choosing a Bride . . .

A man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among the three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and wanted to see what they would do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new tech for his computer, and some expensive clothes. She tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money on the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aump10/choosing_a_bride/
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When it comes to punctuation & pregnancy scares,

periods are better late than never.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aumosn/when_it_comes_to_punctuation_pregnancy_scares/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

Nothing. It's not going to come anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aumnuv/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Accidentally threw my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.

She’s still not talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aumklw/accidentally_threw_my_wife_a_glue_stick_instead/
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At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. “Oh bloody hell, what a party last night, I can’t remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself?”

“You sure did,” replied his wife. “You put your hand up the skirt of your boss’s wife and told your boss to piss off.”
“Shit! What happened?”
“He sacked you.”
“Well, fuck him, the bastard.”
“I did,” replied the wife, “and you’ve got your job back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aumi10/at_the_breakfast_table_the_next_morning_the/
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I orderd a book from IKEA

Got a book with a blank pages and a pen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aumep5/i_orderd_a_book_from_ikea/
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Damn girl are you an apple product?

Because you’re expensive and useless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aumeb7/damn_girl_are_you_an_apple_product/
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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aume7w/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
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My family always calls me indecisive

And I can’t help wonder if they’re right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aumd8y/my_family_always_calls_me_indecisive/
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Want to hear a joke about potassium? K.

Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, “I’ll have some H2O.”
The second says, “I’ll have some water too. But why’d you order it like that? We aren’t at work.”
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aumcwk/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_potassium_k/
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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aum3wp/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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Last night, my wife and I watched 4 films back to back

Luckily, I was facing the TV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aum3tx/last_night_my_wife_and_i_watched_4_films_back_to/
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What do you call a Kid that stands up to his Bullies?

An ambulance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aum2tv/what_do_you_call_a_kid_that_stands_up_to_his/
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Point a gun at your head and pull the trigger

what happens next will blow your mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aum0br/point_a_gun_at_your_head_and_pull_the_trigger/
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How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Is it one or two? One... or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aum04b/how_many_opticians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Ba dum tss!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aulzhl/two_drums_and_a_cymbal_fall_off_a_cliff/
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Two friends are drinking beers in a bar. One guy says to his friend,"I'm thinking of divorcing my wife,she hasn't spoken to me in almost two months."

His buddy replies, "Better not be to hasty, women like that are hard to find."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aulwk6/two_friends_are_drinking_beers_in_a_bar_one_guy/
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No meat

What kind of meat can a priest eat on Friday?
Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aulrw3/no_meat/
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My girlfriend and her family all say I'm paranoid.

At least, I'm pretty sure that's what they're all saying behind my back, whenever I'm not around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aulqno/my_girlfriend_and_her_family_all_say_im_paranoid/
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Did you hear the joke about Elton John?

It's a little bit funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auloi3/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_elton_john/
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If I had a dollar for every time I changed the correct answer in exams,

﻿I'd probably pick it up first but then leave it thinking it's wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aullur/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_changed_the/
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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”
The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”
The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”
The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”
“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.
“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.
So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”
“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aulikl/a_cnn_reporter_a_bbc_reporter_and_an_israeli/
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A guy goes to a brothel for the first time.

He is a bit shy, talks to the Madame in charge and quietly ask if he can spend some time with a girl with big tits and a tight pussy. The Madame assures him this is indeed possible and invites him to take a seat in the bar area and have a drink first, while the girl gets ready. The guy sits down and orders a beer while trying not to make an eye contact with the other customers. A few minutes later one of the girls walks in, goes to him and loudly announces:
"Are you the guy with the big hands and small dick? I am the girl for you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aul99t/a_guy_goes_to_a_brothel_for_the_first_time/
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Australia’s #1 export right now is boomerangs.

Also their #1 import.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aul8hk/australias_1_export_right_now_is_boomerangs/
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Why don’t antivaxxers go out drinking?

They are against having shots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aul08p/why_dont_antivaxxers_go_out_drinking/
%
A strange man told me that he would give me 1 million dollars, but the person I loathed most in the world would get 1 billion dollars. He asked if I would accept?

"Easy," I replied, "Of course I'll take it."
"I'm just not sure what I'm going to do with 1.001 billion dollars"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aukzx4/a_strange_man_told_me_that_he_would_give_me_1/
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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.
Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.
Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.
Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.
Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.
While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/Jokes with the title "STOLEN".
When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/Jokes gets all the Up votes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aukyfy/five_friends_were_sitting_around_debating_which/
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The school hired me as a photographer

So I was hired to photograph a school event and when I walked up to the doors these security guys stared me down and asked what I was doing
I started to reach for my camera and said I was the school shooter
And the douchebags jumped on me and cuffed me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aukqj8/the_school_hired_me_as_a_photographer/
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I read the report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Catholic church

It seems that much of the abuse took place in the rectory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aukqfd/i_read_the_report_on_the_sexual_abuse_of_minors/
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My second wife left me because I have "revenge issues"

We'll see about that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auklx9/my_second_wife_left_me_because_i_have_revenge/
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A chicken walks into a library and says “book book book”

So the librarian gives him a book and he walks out. But the librarian thinks this is kinda weird so she follows him home. On the way home the chicken meets a frog. When the chicken sees the frog he shows him his book and says “book book book.” The frog replies “Reddit Reddit Reddit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aukle0/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library_and_says_book_book/
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When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.

He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aukhgs/when_i_was_young_my_father_emphasized_every_day/
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Once arrested a guy with a gun made of gelatin

Charged him with carrying a congealed weapon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aukf87/once_arrested_a_guy_with_a_gun_made_of_gelatin/
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Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aukez1/which_days_are_the_strongest/
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Today I received a few thousand letters

I'm never ordering a dictionary from IKEA again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auken7/today_i_received_a_few_thousand_letters/
%
I'm sick and tired of your obsession with walkietalkies, this relationship is over!

This relationship is what? Over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aujskm/im_sick_and_tired_of_your_obsession_with/
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I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper...

She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aujrx4/i_told_my_teenage_niece_to_go_get_me_a_newspaper/
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Gender reveal party: A celebration where family, guests and expecting parents gather together to reveal the sex of the baby.

If only I had Googled this before turning up at my boss’s house with a bottle of wine and my cock out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aujq9w/gender_reveal_party_a_celebration_where_family/
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A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I'm looking for a turn-off.”

I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aujnxe/a_girl_was_driving_down_the_road_with_me_in_the/
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Women are like squaring numbers.

If they are under 13, just do them in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aujedr/women_are_like_squaring_numbers/
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Group of middle school students visit the Vatican

The teacher guides them through the hallways and tells them about the paintings.
Teacher: "This famous painting made Michelangelo represents the God creating Adam. Can someone tell us what they see here?"
Susan decides to speak:
"Nice muscles", she says
Teacher is furious for the blasphemy
"Young lady, I'll have you suspended for a day for that"
She then asks for another students opinion
Sally decides to say:
"Both of them look hot"
The teacher gets furious again:
"I'll have you suspended for a week!"
"Now, can someone else tell me what they see in this painting?"
Betty goes and says:
"Well I see a dick and a months holiday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aujbuu/group_of_middle_school_students_visit_the_vatican/
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I'm schizophrenic

And so am i

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aujbo3/im_schizophrenic/
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A little boy killed a butterfly.

His dad looked at him disappointed and said,
"Son, because you killed that butterfly you won't get butter for a week."
A month later he killed a honeybee, his dad looked at him and said,
"Son, because you killed that honeybee you won't get honey for a week."
The boy looks at his father and says, "I also killed a cockroach."
The dad laughs at him and said, "Nice Try!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auj9y1/a_little_boy_killed_a_butterfly/
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I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break…

This is probably because concrete floors are really hard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auj9un/i_dropped_an_egg_onto_a_concrete_floor_and_it/
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Once I didnt masturbate for 11 years straight

Then i turned 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auj9ca/once_i_didnt_masturbate_for_11_years_straight/
%
After many faithful years as a Christian, John's dedication finally paid off as he found himself the girl of his dreams.

At the wedding he walks over to his best friend for advice.
"Hey man! What is it that I'm supposed to do when I get her all alone after the wedding?"
"Ah, that's simple. You just take your most prized-possession and stick it in where she pees."
"Ah! Thanks dude!"
"No problem!"
Later that night, John took his bowling ball and put it in the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auj8wt/after_many_faithful_years_as_a_christian_johns/
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Son: Dad what is 69?

Dad: Hmmm... well son, it is a position where a man and a woman pleasure each other orally at the same time.
Son: So. What shall I write? Odd or even?
Dad:....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auj5nd/son_dad_what_is_69/
%
There is only one thing that’s worse than sexism

Women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auj2ui/there_is_only_one_thing_thats_worse_than_sexism/
%
What do you call a bench full of white people?

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auj0oe/what_do_you_call_a_bench_full_of_white_people/
%
My Wife had successful eye surgery

Edit* ex wife she finally seen what I looked like

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auivym/my_wife_had_successful_eye_surgery/
%
If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop.  Hammer thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auivx7/if_a_recipe_calls_for_you_to_turn_off_the_heat/
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Will glass coffins be a success???

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auism7/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
%
So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auis31/so_a_doctor_gives_a_guy_a_checkup_tries_to_take/
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What do you get when you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

***Arrrrrrrr Kelly!***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auinbw/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_pirate_and_a/
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What does a necromancer magician say during a magic trick?

Abra-cadaver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auik1u/what_does_a_necromancer_magician_say_during_a/
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What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auik1c/whats_the_difference_between_outlaws_and_inlaws/
%
You can't run past a campsite

You can only ran because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auie4q/you_cant_run_past_a_campsite/
%
Chopper.

The Chief of Staff of the US Air Force decided to personally recruit some pilots and he saw two young twins.
He looked at the first young man and asked: "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says: "I'm a pilot!"
The General gets all excited, turns to his aide and says: “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The General looks at the second young man and asks: "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says: "I chop wood!"
“Son,” the general replies: “We don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?”
“I chop wood!”
“Young man,” huffs the general, “You are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!”
“Well,” the young man says, “You hired my brother!”
“Of course we did,” says the general, “He’s a pilot!”
The young man rolls his eyes and says: “So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auhx3f/chopper/
%
My wife was so sweet yesterday, she opened the car door for me...

Unfortunately we were doing 70

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auhogt/my_wife_was_so_sweet_yesterday_she_opened_the_car/
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What’s the difference between a heroin overdose and a shotgun suicide?

Heroin addicts feel great after they shoot themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auhlz9/whats_the_difference_between_a_heroin_overdose/
%
I saw a really good movie recently about a military man in control of a top-secret bank account

It's called "Ryan's Private Savings"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auhlg8/i_saw_a_really_good_movie_recently_about_a/
%
If an antivaxxer becomes pregnant today,

they are creating a ghost of Christmas future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auhjay/if_an_antivaxxer_becomes_pregnant_today/
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My pregnant wife couldn't sleep last night because she was so uncomfortable...

She is running out of womb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auhfon/my_pregnant_wife_couldnt_sleep_last_night_because/
%
Why do black people always have nightmares?

Because the only one with a dream died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auh925/why_do_black_people_always_have_nightmares/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be on the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auh7lz/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_off_the_boat/
%
What is the funny thing about an ISIS joke?

The Execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auh7dk/what_is_the_funny_thing_about_an_isis_joke/
%
A man is locked in a room with no doors or windows...

The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.
He says, “well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole.”  And so he uses that whole to climb out.
You say, “That’s stupid. It’s two *halves* that make a whole, not two ‘haves.’  And anyway a ‘whole’ isn’t spelled the way he’s using it.”
Now that you pointed out the hole in his reasoning, he climbs out through that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auh771/a_man_is_locked_in_a_room_with_no_doors_or_windows/
%
I broke up with my video game console, now it's my ex-box

Nothing personal, it was just time for a switch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auh5vl/i_broke_up_with_my_video_game_console_now_its_my/
%
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed ..... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auh37h/a_blonde_calls_her_boyfriend_and_says_please_come/
%
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know if they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break,the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again,and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auh2as/three_girls_all_worked_in_the_same_office_with/
%
There was a woman with a hundred children

. She lacked the creativity to name all of them, so she just named them 1 through 100.
Eventually, through a series of misfortunes, 99 of the children died. Only the one named 90 survived. 90 grew up healthy, thankfully. She found a man and fell in love with him. They got married, and happily started a family, with 90 eventually overcoming the trauma of her dead siblings and having kids of her own.
The kids grew up. One day, they found a stray dog; they wanted to keep the stray but they were worried about how their parents would react so they did it in secret. They named the dog “This”; an innocuous name that would let them say things like “let’s take ‘this’ out” or “‘this’ is so funny”.
One day, when they were walking this, he got run over by a car and died. Only 90’s kids will remember this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auh1wx/there_was_a_woman_with_a_hundred_children/
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What did the millennial say when his friend played jaws on the piano?

That low key gave me chills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/augxjp/what_did_the_millennial_say_when_his_friend/
%
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's this obscure number you've probably never heard of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/augx3l/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Hitler was a pretty good leader

He killed a dictator that killed and tortured millions of people that then ended WW2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/augvpz/hitler_was_a_pretty_good_leader/
%
My friend told me a joke about dominos.

It had a really long setup, but in the end it fell flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/augvnw/my_friend_told_me_a_joke_about_dominos/
%
Someone at work put an airhorn in the bathroom

Scared the shit out of me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/augu8y/someone_at_work_put_an_airhorn_in_the_bathroom/
%
How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all your beer on a camping trip?

Take two of them with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/augs8i/how_do_you_keep_a_mormon_from_drinking_all_your/
%
funny joke I heard from a retired dad at a birthday party

A man walks into a pub with a tiny box in one hand, and a weird looking lamp in the other. He takes a seat right at the bar, orders a rum and coke, and opens the little box. He takes out a tiny little man and a very tiny piano. The tiny little man starts playing the piano like no tomorrow. The bartender comes with the man's rum and coke and is intrigued by the little piano man. The bartender also asks what "that pot" is. "A genie's lamp," says the man. So the bartender goes ahead and rubs the lamp. Out comes a genie. "Make a vish" says the genie. "Um okay, let me get a million bucks!" The genie disappears and the bartender waits. A few minutes later, a bunch of ducks start walking into the pub, one by one. "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks," the bartender enthusiastically says. The man replies, "you think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/augnb6/funny_joke_i_heard_from_a_retired_dad_at_a/
%
After the blizzard yesterday I think I understand Republicans a little better

Because these snowflakes are killing me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/augcl7/after_the_blizzard_yesterday_i_think_i_understand/
%
I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/augbg1/i_was_at_the_supermarket_looked_three_freezers/
%
I wouldn't mind raising a vaccine-free child.

18 years seems like a long commitment, but I think I could handle 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aug38w/i_wouldnt_mind_raising_a_vaccinefree_child/
%
Soldier.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aug2o5/soldier/
%
The date of a prisoner's freedom should be called a period

because it's the end of their sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aug15m/the_date_of_a_prisoners_freedom_should_be_called/
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Women are just too clever

A man an his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him up at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, the man wrote on a piece of paper, " please wake me up at 5:00 am", and put it where his wife could see it.
The next morning he woke up only to find that it was 9:00 am, and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go see why his wife hadn't waken him up when he found a paper next to the bed.
It said, " its 5:00 am, wake up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufzd9/women_are_just_too_clever/
%
So I heard R. Kelly couldn’t even put up $100k for bail.

He’s been pissing away all his money, apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufw3w/so_i_heard_r_kelly_couldnt_even_put_up_100k_for/
%
Little Billy had diarrhea so he asked his mom for some medicine (NSFW)

Groaning in pain, he met with his mother in the living room and said “mom, I have the runs - it’s so bad that I need Viagra!”
“Billy, why do you think you need Viagra? Let’s get you some medicine to help you feel better” said the mom.
“Well that’s what you give Dad every time his shit don’t get hard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufu32/little_billy_had_diarrhea_so_he_asked_his_mom_for/
%
A rich woman calls he husband

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang. A man answered and put it on speaker, the other men in the locker room stopping to listen.
Man: hello!
Woman: hi honey, it's me, are you at the club?
Man: yes.
Woman: I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It's only $2,000, is it ok if I buy it?
Man: sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models and I found one I really liked.
Man: how much?
Woman: $90,000
Man: ok but for that price I want it with all the options
Woman: great! Oh, one more thing. I was talking to Janie and the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it.
Man: we'll go ahead and make an offer of $900,000, they'll probably take it but if not we can go the extra 80 thousand.
Woman: Ok. I'll see you later, I love you so much!
Man: bye. I love you too!
The man hung up, the other men gazed in astonishment.
He turned to them and said: do any of y'all know who's phone this is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufthh/a_rich_woman_calls_he_husband/
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Whats the Difference between an Irish wedding and Irish funeral?

In a funeral, one person isn't drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufqtn/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
%
What did the vulture bring on his flight?

Carrion luggage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufppi/what_did_the_vulture_bring_on_his_flight/
%
The prayer uttered most often by pet owners and parents of small children:

"Please, God, let that be chocolate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufoli/the_prayer_uttered_most_often_by_pet_owners_and/
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What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufof3/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_an_agnostic_a/
%
A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?” The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.” The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufo0k/a_man_to_a_psychiatrist/
%
The bartender pours him a beer

A time traveler walks into the bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufmuv/the_bartender_pours_him_a_beer/
%
H.P. Lovecraft just signed up for netflix...

Next he'll get Cthulhu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufmbn/hp_lovecraft_just_signed_up_for_netflix/
%
Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together.

Happy for the person who won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufm78/actresses_and_actors_who_lose_an_oscar_all_get/
%
How do you get fish high?

Seaweed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufm4m/how_do_you_get_fish_high/
%
I asked a friend in 1984 how's life there...

He answered: "I can't complain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufd9e/i_asked_a_friend_in_1984_hows_life_there/
%
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

All over the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufcmo/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_when_they_die/
%
No more Polish jokes folks.

All these Polish jokes here are very hurtful.  Yesterday my friend who is Polish had read enough and tried to commit suicide by jumping out his basement window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aufcdd/no_more_polish_jokes_folks/
%
What's an anti-vaxxers favorite vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auf9en/whats_an_antivaxxers_favorite_vacuum_cleaner/
%
Memory foam pillows are the worst.

As soon as I lay down on them, I start remembering all the things I messed up during the day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auf1xu/memory_foam_pillows_are_the_worst/
%
What did the bird army say when running away?

Retweet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auewq9/what_did_the_bird_army_say_when_running_away/
%
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”

Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No you’re not.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aueut5/wife_im_pregnant/
%
War isn't about who's right...

...war is about who's left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aueuqc/war_isnt_about_whos_right/
%
What sex position makes ugly children?

I don't know,  ask your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auetrh/what_sex_position_makes_ugly_children/
%
What should they say when a man leaves a sperm bank?

Thank you, come again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auemwo/what_should_they_say_when_a_man_leaves_a_sperm/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auelsh/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
I told my friends I have a girlfriend...

They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real.
Well Jokes on them because neither are they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auei4e/i_told_my_friends_i_have_a_girlfriend/
%
What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aueguw/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
%
Why doesn't R Kelly have money to post bail?

Because he pissed it all away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aue5qy/why_doesnt_r_kelly_have_money_to_post_bail/
%
I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.

It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aue3nf/i_passed_all_my_courses_except_for_greek_mythology/
%
I'd like to die like my grandpa did, when he was sleeping, without noticing

Not like those who were in the car with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aue1ry/id_like_to_die_like_my_grandpa_did_when_he_was/
%
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/audz6y/my_girlfriend_said_you_act_like_a_detective_too/
%
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/audw7g/bernie_sanders_joins_list_of_2020_democratic/
%
What do you call a mexican thirdwheeler?

Juan Tu Meni

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/audnda/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_thirdwheeler/
%
What is a classical singer's big break?

An opera-tunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/audncb/what_is_a_classical_singers_big_break/
%
I was going to meet my biological dad today

but he pulled out at the last minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/audkt7/i_was_going_to_meet_my_biological_dad_today/
%
My dick was in the Guinness world records book!

But now I’m banned from the library...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/audkld/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_world_records_book/
%
What did R. Kelly say to a new girl he met?

Urine for a treat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/audi0n/what_did_r_kelly_say_to_a_new_girl_he_met/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go the the bathroom?

Because they are extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aud611/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_the_the/
%
Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.  A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.  A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy..... you just hoped nobody found out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aucvsx/life_before_the_computer/
%
Life Support

After the birth of their first child Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order. They went to a lawyer and outlined for him their ideas about how their estate should be handled.
The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured.
Tom spoke up, "I don't want my life regulated by some machine. I just can't stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle."
Sarah took Tom's words to heart. When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom's beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aucvse/life_support/
%
Today in math class I had to fart. I thought if I dropped my book and farted at the same time, no one would hear it.

I dropped my book and everyone looked at me. Then I farted. Loudly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aucu6y/today_in_math_class_i_had_to_fart_i_thought_if_i/
%
I want to get into juggling,

But I don’t have the balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aucs41/i_want_to_get_into_juggling/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aucpfv/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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Game Show

Some folks see me as a know-it-all. I'm not, but I have a reasonable memory, and it got me on a game show, once.
The television game show was being recorded - they do a whole week at a time, and this was the wrap-up. I was in the hot seat for the last big question.
The host turned to me, and read the question slowly and carefully. But I didn't know the answer!
Fortunately, I had a backup plan (there was no way I was missing out on this million bucks!). I haven't figured out how to do the fingers-in-the-mouth bit, but still manage to make a pretty piercing whistle. From the back of the stage, four mounted knights-in-armor appeared, waving their lances threateningly at the show's host. Little did I know HIS hidden talents...
The host looked scared for a moment, and then a steely look came over him. He leapt into the air, and karate kicked the first knight onto the floor. He picked up the lance from the stricken knight, and fought off the second, who also fell sprawling on the floor. The second knight's horse shied, and bolted, colliding with the third knight in the process.
The game show host was just beginning to enjoy himself now. He waved the spear he was still carrying at the fourth knight, looked back me, and said...
"Is that your final lancer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aucnic/game_show/
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Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aucbh1/today_a_girl_kissed_me/
%
A father and his young son are walking deep in the woods at night with a lantern and a shovel

The son says, "Dad it's creepy out here, I'm scared"
The father replies, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auc9vs/a_father_and_his_young_son_are_walking_deep_in/
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Girls are like parking spaces - all the good ones are taken

...or handicapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auc9mv/girls_are_like_parking_spaces_all_the_good_ones/
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I ate a clock once

And it was time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auc6wf/i_ate_a_clock_once/
%
Father : You were adopted! Son : I knew it. I want to meet my biological parents!

Father : We are your biological parents. The new ones are coming to pick you up in 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auc51p/father_you_were_adopted_son_i_knew_it_i_want_to/
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Man to his gf: "are three fingers too much?"

Her:"not at all, most people have ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auc10t/man_to_his_gf_are_three_fingers_too_much/
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A skeleton walks into a bar...

Sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll take a beer and a mop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aubxvg/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
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A priest, a rabbi and the Pope walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "is this a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aubxvj/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_the_pope_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish.

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aubxmn/my_uncle_drank_a_whole_bottle_of_wood_varnish/
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My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aubwaq/my_best_friend_was_my_partner_in_crime/
%
What do you call the lowest fruit on a lime tree?

Sublime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aubvcv/what_do_you_call_the_lowest_fruit_on_a_lime_tree/
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What do you call a Cuban man who doesn’t believe in religion?

Infidel Castro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aubrty/what_do_you_call_a_cuban_man_who_doesnt_believe/
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My roommate hates when I steal his untensils

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aubqvx/my_roommate_hates_when_i_steal_his_untensils/
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What does Walmart and catholic priest have in common.

They both have boys pants half off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aubp8r/what_does_walmart_and_catholic_priest_have_in/
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You are now fish!

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people drooling, but being devout Catholics they couldn't partake. After 2 weeks of temptation, they all got together and had their padre approach the guy for a resolution.
The padre approached the guy with the idea of conversion, that way he couldn't eat meat during lent. So the padre came up with his arguments and why he thought it would benefit the man. The padre sweetened the pot by adding the condition that should he convert they would give me large orders like replacing the church roof and all the other orders in the area. The man thought and weighed his options and saw profit so he agreed. They scheduled a baptism for the man for the next day itself.
The padre splashes holy water on the man and says
"You were born a Muslim, you lived a life of a Muslim, but now you are Christian"
The baptism done everyone was happy and placed their woodwork orders with man and paid him advances. The padre told him he has to stop his barbeques till lent is done though he can have fish if the urge is strong.
The next afternoon again the smell of grilled meat began to waft through the area. The people complained to the padre and they made a mob to confront the man for eating meat during lent.
They approached the backyard and the guy was standing with his back to them with his hand held high holding a bottle of water, they heard him recite sprinkling the water over the grill.
"You were born a cow, you lived the life of a cow, but now you are a fish"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auboi9/you_are_now_fish/
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How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aubfdn/how_many_sculpting_tools_does_snoop_dogg_usually/
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Missionary

A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to
live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching
them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he
particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. "Thou must not
commit adultery or fornication!"
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a
white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his
people to talk with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black
woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man
who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what's
going on here!"
The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken.
What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an
albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep,
and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on
occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you
don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about
the white baby."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aubbrn/missionary/
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Went up to bed last night and started pulling off my boxers.

My wife said "You really spoil those dogs".
-Jed Stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aubaq9/went_up_to_bed_last_night_and_started_pulling_off/
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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aub1ei/guy_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_we/
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You’re ridning a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auaxka/youre_ridning_a_horse_full_speed_theres_a_giraffe/
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I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.

She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out" ... so we snuck in through the rear entrance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auaqo7/i_told_my_girlfriend_we_can_either_have_sex_or_go/
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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auapjh/this_is_the_dirty_joke_my_85yo_grandad_told_to/
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Technology is crazy these days

We now have smartphones, wireless TVs, and tablets.
When I was a kid we had to blow everything. The Nintendo cartridge, the mouse with that ball inside, the priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auaphq/technology_is_crazy_these_days/
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cool funny jokes that i can copy and paste on to reddit

wait this isn't google
shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auapf1/cool_funny_jokes_that_i_can_copy_and_paste_on_to/
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A priest, A rabbi, and a minister

want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. A few months  later they get together. The priest begins:
“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auaoul/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_minister/
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By disrespecting Steve Irwin, PETA has done something many have failed to do

Unite us all as a species

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aualg8/by_disrespecting_steve_irwin_peta_has_done/
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A nurse, who works in the ER, arrives for her shift

she spots a little boy, who is sitting in the hallway,  crying his eyes out.
She asks him: "What happend? Can I help you?"
Boy: "My mother just died from a traffic accident."
Nurse: " Iam so sorry, shall I get you a priest?"
Boy: "No, thank you, Iam not in the mood for sex."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auajg6/a_nurse_who_works_in_the_er_arrives_for_her_shift/
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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,
Mom.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auaghs/a_mom_visits_her_son_for_dinner_who_lives_with_a/
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Einstein, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek...

and it’s Einstein’s time to seek.
He counts to 20, opens his eyes and turns around, only to find Newton standing in a chalk-drawn square on the floor. Einstein asks why he didn’t hide, because now he’s been found and already lost.
But Newton replies ‘No you haven’t because I, Newton, am standing in a 1m squared square.’
‘You’ve found Pascal’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/auaano/einstein_pascal_and_newton_are_playing_hide_and/
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My grandfather saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that it would sink, but nobody would listen.

He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aua4v5/my_grandfather_saw_the_titanic_and_he_warned/
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A man goes to get a massage

When he arrives, he's greeted by a Cuban lady. She lays him down on his back with a towel and gets to work. She notices a bulge appear in the towel as her hands go down his chest. "You want to wank?" she asks.
"You bet I do," he replies.
"Ok, I come back in 10 minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aua3yj/a_man_goes_to_get_a_massage/
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Steve Irwin wouldn't want us to atack PETA...

We are meant to be kind to animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aua32v/steve_irwin_wouldnt_want_us_to_atack_peta/
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What’s the difference between a gay man and a fridge?

The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9xkd/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_man_and_a/
%
Someone told me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said “mayyyyybe”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9xbw/someone_told_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
So my friend Michael had to quit his job as a magician...

Turns out *audiences hate him for this one simple trick*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9wf8/so_my_friend_michael_had_to_quit_his_job_as_a/
%
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out...

As he walked to the door she yelled: "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death!"
He turned around and said: "So, you want me to stay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9vhj/a_wife_got_so_mad_at_her_husband_she_packed_his/
%
What do you call a waterfall that goes up instead of down?

Viagra Falls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9v7y/what_do_you_call_a_waterfall_that_goes_up_instead/
%
What do you call a pirate that likes children?

ARRRRGGHHHH Kelly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9tdz/what_do_you_call_a_pirate_that_likes_children/
%
I went to the doctor and he told me I was overweight.

I said I wanted a second opinion.
He said, "Ok. You're ugly too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9sei/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_told_me_i_was/
%
Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9qd7/whos_the_only_organization_with_a_higher_death/
%
What did the man who suffers with premature ejaculation say whilst playing hide and seek?

Ready or not, here I cum!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9q74/what_did_the_man_who_suffers_with_premature/
%
Oh deer...

One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.
Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for dinner...
Son - "mmmm smells good ma., what is it?"
Wife - "I'll give you a hint. It's what I call your father all the time."
Daughter - "SPIT IT OUT BILLY., IT'S  AN ASSHOLE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9luw/oh_deer/
%
What did the name brand suppository say to the generic suppository?

Nothing. They were both stuck up assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9kgi/what_did_the_name_brand_suppository_say_to_the/
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I asked my dying father if he could pay for his expensive gravestone in advance before he died.

He replied, "Over my dead body."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9jn5/i_asked_my_dying_father_if_he_could_pay_for_his/
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My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9hcq/my_bullies_broke_my_mp3player_at_school_luckily/
%
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9gpu/a_blonde_rings_up_an_airline_and_asks_how_long/
%
I just hate gossipers,

They discuss me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9e59/i_just_hate_gossipers/
%
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses...

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said: "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9aqd/a_new_teacher_was_trying_to_make_use_of_her/
%
I ordered 2000 lbs of Chinese soup

It was, won ton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9agj/i_ordered_2000_lbs_of_chinese_soup/
%
If you think about it we all start out Canadian

Drinking milk from bags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au9a1p/if_you_think_about_it_we_all_start_out_canadian/
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My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.

I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au96tx/my_son_asked_me_why_i_was_whispering_all_quiet/
%
What did 1 eye say to the other eye?

Between you and me, something smells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au965f/what_did_1_eye_say_to_the_other_eye/
%
Batman: Power is going down, Robin quickly give me a battery!

Robin: What’s a tery?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au92g9/batman_power_is_going_down_robin_quickly_give_me/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar

The Barman says “sorry we don’t serve food in here”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au91z6/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I’ll never forget my son’s first words..

Where the fuck have you been for 16 years?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au909l/ill_never_forget_my_sons_first_words/
%
I was walking my dog through a graveyard at dawn

I saw someone crouching by a headstone. I greeted them: ‘Morning!’
They replied ‘Nope, just having a shit.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au8zsh/i_was_walking_my_dog_through_a_graveyard_at_dawn/
%
Why were the British salty about losing America?

They got tea-bagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au8z67/why_were_the_british_salty_about_losing_america/
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A dog named rufous has been a popular dog amongst the pub for a long time.

There was once a dog named rufous. He was the favourite dog of a pub and all the locals loved him. Sadly though, one day he passed away. Everyone was sad so the pub threw a funeral for him. They decided to cut off rufous tail and hang it on the door to remember him.
It was after midnight and everyone was sharing good memories about the dog in the pub and suddenly they heard some whimpering at the door. They went to investigate and heard a faint voice saying “please I won’t be able to go to heaven without my tail”
The bartender looks at the other people in the pub and then says to the dog “ sorry rufous but we’re not aloud to retail spirits after midnight”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au8yma/a_dog_named_rufous_has_been_a_popular_dog_amongst/
%
Three guys go on a skiing trip.

The lodge they check into only has one room available, so they decide to all sleep in the same bed. They go skiing and have a lot of fun, and come back to the lodge and go to bed.
The next day the guy who slept on the right side of the bed said, “I had the most vivid dream that I was getting a handjob last night!” The guy who slept on the left side said, “That’s incredible, I had the same exact dream!”
The guy who slept in the middle said, “That’s funny, I had a dream I was skiing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au8xkx/three_guys_go_on_a_skiing_trip/
%
I thought a comedian stole my joke,

but actually he's a real stand-up guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au8rk1/i_thought_a_comedian_stole_my_joke/
%
My wife went to the doctors and now we’re getting divorced.

Doc told her she can’t have anything with alcohol in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au8qw6/my_wife_went_to_the_doctors_and_now_were_getting/
%
There have been troubling developments with Europe’s terror threat levels, recently:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of this final escalation level.
(Credits to the great non-sir John Cleese).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au8qrz/there_have_been_troubling_developments_with/
%
Do you want to know how I got out of Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au8qoz/do_you_want_to_know_how_i_got_out_of_iraq/
%
How are welders like prostitutes?

You usually find them in awkward positions screaming for more rod and more money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au8okl/how_are_welders_like_prostitutes/
%
Whats the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

You can't violin with yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au8gye/whats_the_difference_between_a_violin_and_a_fiddle/
%
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au8gxa/dentist_this_will_hurt_a_little/
%
Did you hear the news about the gay peanut?

He got in trouble for falsely claiming he was a salted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au8ece/did_you_hear_the_news_about_the_gay_peanut/
%
In the beginning, man walked on all fours..then man met woman

and ever since, man has walked erect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au8bin/in_the_beginning_man_walked_on_all_foursthen_man/
%
You can figure out the gender of an ant by throwing it into water

If it sinks it's a girl ant. If it floats it's boy-ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au85yi/you_can_figure_out_the_gender_of_an_ant_by/
%
If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au84wy/if_there_is_a_plastic_island_the_size_of/
%
If cancer is so hard...

Why am I on stage 4?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au82vh/if_cancer_is_so_hard/
%
Why do people in the Middle-East tend to be homophobic?

They have had bad experiences with mandates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au80r1/why_do_people_in_the_middleeast_tend_to_be/
%
Sometimes when I feel really lonely, I put a blade to my neck.

The ladies like a clean shaven guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au7re7/sometimes_when_i_feel_really_lonely_i_put_a_blade/
%
A magician was working on a cruise

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au7php/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise/
%
If America switched from pounds to kilos overnight

There'd be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au7oxc/if_america_switched_from_pounds_to_kilos_overnight/
%
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au7l6g/my_wife_has_this_weird_ocd_where_she_arranges_the/
%
Two police officers crash their car into a tree

. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au7k7i/two_police_officers_crash_their_car_into_a_tree/
%
My friend thinks he is smart.

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au7k4j/my_friend_thinks_he_is_smart/
%
What did R. Kelly say to a new girl he met?

Urine for a treat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au7h5e/what_did_r_kelly_say_to_a_new_girl_he_met/
%
A sadist and a masochist become stranded on a deserted island.

Masochist: Torture me, please!
Sadist: Nope...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au79ea/a_sadist_and_a_masochist_become_stranded_on_a/
%
If Cinderella were a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave,

would she be known as Mozarella?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au74rk/if_cinderella_were_a_baking_slave_instead_of_a/
%
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au711l/when_i_was_a_boy_i_had_a_disease_that_required_me/
%
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"
I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6zm7/i_asked_a_girl_to_rate_me_out_of_10_the_other_day/
%
I can't tell the difference between scarlet and crimson

I genuinely can't tell between them and it makes me really angry, because when someone says,"is it scarlet or crimson" all I can see is red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6ypx/i_cant_tell_the_difference_between_scarlet_and/
%
I used to smoke weed and go to the class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6y81/i_used_to_smoke_weed_and_go_to_the_class/
%
The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it.

You need 9 lives to pay it off.
Ps - should this be in /showerthoughts?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6u9v/the_price_of_real_estate_in_my_neighbourhood_has/
%
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6tkp/what_do_you_get_when_you_crossbreed_a_shark_and_a/
%
What is a marsupials favourite drink ?

A Piña Koala

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6sdh/what_is_a_marsupials_favourite_drink/
%
I don’t get why people are afraid of death

About 100 billion humans have died and I’ve not heard any of them complaining

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6qtq/i_dont_get_why_people_are_afraid_of_death/
%
A cow walks into a milk bar.

and no one uddered a word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6q4g/a_cow_walks_into_a_milk_bar/
%
What would a house wear?

Address

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6pts/what_would_a_house_wear/
%
Pronounce it please!

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the "blonde" employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are at... VERY SLOWLY?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said...
"Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6mh2/pronounce_it_please/
%
What did the prostitute say when the passenger beside her said he didn't have any cash but really wanted to join the mile high club?

"I don't give a flying fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6kwe/what_did_the_prostitute_say_when_the_passenger/
%
Dad what is a clitoris?

You should have asked me lastnight son, had the answer on the tip of my tongue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6jif/dad_what_is_a_clitoris/
%
When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,

but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...
Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6iv6/when_i_drink_too_much_alcohol_im_called_an/
%
A little girl runs to her mum

"Mummy, I just saw a rat as big as an elephant!".
Her mum starts shouting angrily at her: "I told you one hundred thousands billions times not to exaggerate things!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6ik4/a_little_girl_runs_to_her_mum/
%
How do American school kids learn the metric system?

9 millimeters at a time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6i61/how_do_american_school_kids_learn_the_metric/
%
How do mountains see?

They peek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au6i48/how_do_mountains_see/
%
Don't lose your electrons.

Keep an ion them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au64z6/dont_lose_your_electrons/
%
If people from Alabama were any more inbred

They would be sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au63qb/if_people_from_alabama_were_any_more_inbred/
%
You can't spell American Dream

Without Eric Andre right in the middle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au629n/you_cant_spell_american_dream/
%
A joke from work

Four famous actors get together and decide to dress up as famous artists for Halloween.
Leonardo DiCaprio says he'll go as Da Vinci since they have the same first name.
Tom Cruise says he'll go as Van Gogh so they have two painters.
Bill Murray says he'll go as Beethoven since he likes his music.
Arnold Schwarzenegger just looks at them and says "I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au61ny/a_joke_from_work/
%
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform,

I thought it was a bit odd.
Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au5x92/yesterday_i_saw_a_police_officer_wearing_a_pilots/
%
What section on Pornhub do people from Alabama go to the most?

Related

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au5wpg/what_section_on_pornhub_do_people_from_alabama_go/
%
Joyriding in a Lamborghini

Her: No way this thing does 150.
Me: Only one way to find out.
[pulls over and checks Wikipedia]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au5trq/joyriding_in_a_lamborghini/
%
Why do popular teenage girls travel in odd numbers?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au5qt6/why_do_popular_teenage_girls_travel_in_odd_numbers/
%
My mum has a photo of me in her wallet and not of my siblings.

She said whenever she faces an obstacle, she looks at my photo and the problem disappears.
I felt really touched till she said, she also tells herself, "what other problem can be bigger than this one?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au5qsy/my_mum_has_a_photo_of_me_in_her_wallet_and_not_of/
%
What do you call a London subway train full of professors?

A tube of smarties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au5mmc/what_do_you_call_a_london_subway_train_full_of/
%
Why did the cannibal eat his grandma?

Because she said,"Eat your vegetables."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au5km5/why_did_the_cannibal_eat_his_grandma/
%
A divorced man was delighted when his daughter reached her 18th birthday

because it would be his final child support payment. Month after month, year after year he had paid, and now at last he would be free of the financial burden.
So he called his daughter over to his house and said: "I want you to take this last check to your mother’s house. You tell her this is the last check she’s ever going to get from me. Then I want you to come back here and tell me the expression she had on her face."
The girl took the check and returned a couple of hours later. "Well,' said the dad gleefully, "what did she have to say?"
The girl replied: "She told me to tell you that you ain’t my dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au5jhf/a_divorced_man_was_delighted_when_his_daughter/
%
My gf hates me when i use word "retard" And "cunt"

So i told her I would take real efforts to learn her kids real name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au5irx/my_gf_hates_me_when_i_use_word_retard_and_cunt/
%
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text.

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
Her husband, typically non-romantic replied: “I am on the toilet, please advise.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au5i0n/a_wife_being_the_romantic_sort_sent_her_husband_a/
%
A guy walks into a convenience store and asks "Can I have a can 'o dew?"

Store clerk tells him, "No can dew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au5hy9/a_guy_walks_into_a_convenience_store_and_asks_can/
%
All timezones are equal and shouldn't be shamed

Greenwich is just mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au5f72/all_timezones_are_equal_and_shouldnt_be_shamed/
%
How many Irishman does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold it in place and another to drink till the room spins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au554v/how_many_irishman_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Reddit is nothing but a damn joke...and here’s why..

Why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au4wgl/reddit_is_nothing_but_a_damn_jokeand_heres_why/
%
A man is washing his car with his son.

His son looks at him and says,
“Dad...Why can’t you use a sponge?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au4v27/a_man_is_washing_his_car_with_his_son/
%
Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her....

"On what day will I die?" The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. "Why are you so sure of that?" Demanded Hitler.
"Any day" she replied "on which you die will be a Jewish holiday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au4ra4/hitler_went_to_a_fortune_teller_and_asked_her/
%
Apparently there's a lack of sex education being taught in school

Which is why I'm glad the Catholic church has taken matters into their own hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au4mna/apparently_theres_a_lack_of_sex_education_being/
%
What’s the most violent book Helen Keller ever read?

A cheese grater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au4mdu/whats_the_most_violent_book_helen_keller_ever_read/
%
My Thai girlfriend says a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship.

But I still wish she didn't have one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au4k9y/my_thai_girlfriend_says_a_small_penis_shouldnt_be/
%
[Religion] Why doesn't God like apple pie?

Because he's not real

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au4jjw/religion_why_doesnt_god_like_apple_pie/
%
Why do graveyards have big walls around them?

Because everybody's dying to get in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au4ffx/why_do_graveyards_have_big_walls_around_them/
%
EA decided to post jokes on reddit. They posted their first joke below.....

See Joke For $5.00?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au47y3/ea_decided_to_post_jokes_on_reddit_they_posted/
%
I wrote a stage show about puns.

It's a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au46kt/i_wrote_a_stage_show_about_puns/
%
What do you call a emo acapella group?

Self harmony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au3of7/what_do_you_call_a_emo_acapella_group/
%
I just came up with a really good Schroedinger joke.

But I won't know if it's funny or not until you observe it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au3oc8/i_just_came_up_with_a_really_good_schroedinger/
%
Wife says to her hubby “what do you want for dinner”?

The hubby says “what's my choices?”
The wife  says Yes or No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au3mmx/wife_says_to_her_hubby_what_do_you_want_for_dinner/
%
So there's a forest

And a fly was hovering inside the forest. But a fish was watching the fly and thinking "once that fly goes down 6 inches down. im gonna catch the fly to have myself a really nice meal. " But what he did not realize is that a bear was watching the fish watching the fly and thinking "once that fish catches the fly, im gonna catch the fish to have myself a really nice meal. " But what the bear did not realize is that a hunter was watching him watching the fish watching the fly, and thinking "once that fly goes down 6 inches and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish" im gonna shoot the bear to have myself a really nice meal. But what the hunter did not notice is that the mouse is watching the hunter's sandwich watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly, thinking "once that hunter shoots the bear and drops the sandwitch im gonna go to the sandwich to have myself a really nice meal". But what the mouse did not realize is that a cat was watching him, watching the sandwich, watching the bear watching the fish, watching the fly, thinking "once that mouse dives in to the sandwich im gonna catch the mouse to have myself a really nice meal". Then this is where it starts, the fly finally goes down 6 inches the suddenly the fish catches it then the bear immediately lunges to the fish, until the hunter shoots the bear and drops the sandwich which made the mouse dive in to the sandwich to have a nice meal, then this is where it all went wrong, just as the cat was about to jump at the mouse to eat it, he accidentally missed his landing and landed at the lake instead.
And i think we all can get a valuable life lesson here.
No matter where you are,
What you are,
Who you are,
When a fly goes down 6 inches,
A pussy's gonna get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au3j04/so_theres_a_forest/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A ripoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au3gdo/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
I wish i could be ugly for 1 day

Being ugly everyday sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au3enq/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_1_day/
%
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical.

All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on.
When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au3e4k/a_90yearold_man_goes_for_a_physical/
%
A lady walks into a bar and sees a handsome man sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he's drinking.
"Magic beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after not icing that there isn't anyone else worth talking to, she goes back to the man and says
"That isn't really magic beer, is it?"
"Yes, it is. I'll show you," He responds, and jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back through the window. The woman is amazed, and immediately asks for a magic beer of her own.
The man says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of beer, and then jumps out the window, plummeting 30 stories down.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "You know something?"
"You're a terrible person when you're drinking, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au39n0/a_lady_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_handsome_man/
%
Four Canadians arrived at an all-way stop sign from each direction at exactly the same time

They're still there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au34o1/four_canadians_arrived_at_an_allway_stop_sign/
%
The only real thing that Flat Earthers fear...

is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au32ur/the_only_real_thing_that_flat_earthers_fear/
%
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He counts "uno, dos..." poof.

He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au2y41/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
%
Three school teachers go to a nude beach.

The math teacher, the history teacher, and the logics teacher. Suddenly, the female principal goes by them. So the math and history teachers put their newspapers on their private parts, while the logics teacher puts it on his face. After the principal leaves, the first two ask the logics teacher why he put his paper on his face? She clearly saw your junk! That's the thing, I'm mostly recognized by my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au2y08/three_school_teachers_go_to_a_nude_beach/
%
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au2oyy/i_persuaded_my_girlfriend_to_smuggle_my_coke/
%
What do you call a hippie’s wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au2nqs/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
%
Something disturbing came in the mail today.

It was the mailman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au2nqe/something_disturbing_came_in_the_mail_today/
%
I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au2ni1/i_phoned_my_wife_earlier_and_asked_her_if_she/
%
That billionaire from New England is innocent.

He thought he was buying a hookah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au2jd0/that_billionaire_from_new_england_is_innocent/
%
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au2imp/i_asked_a_pretty_young_homeless_woman_if_i_could/
%
No one ever fucks me

Billy has always wanted to go on a deep sea fishing trip but could never afford it. He saved all the spare money he could but still didnt have enough to pay for tge trip so he decides to just buy a 6 pack of Bud Light and fish off of the pier.
He gets out to the pier and notices a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on the edge of the pier crying. He walks up to here and asks whats wrong.
"No one ever hugs me"
So he picks her up, gives her a big hug, then goes to cast off into the water. About the time she startes crying even louder.
"Whats wrong now? I gave you a hug,"
"Well, ive never been kissed,"
He thinks for a second, well she's pretty attractive why not? So he picks her up kisses her and sets her back down.
He walks back over to his rod and reel, cracks open a beer and rears back to cast. About that she she starts balling even louder than before.
"Damnit lady why are you crying now?"
"No one ever fucks me."
So he walks over to her, pucks her up, and throws her as far out into the water as he can and screems.
"YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au2frm/no_one_ever_fucks_me/
%
A guy is out bow hunting...

... and while he's peeking out from behind a bush, he feels a giant paw on his shoulder.
It's a bear who says, "I won't kill you if you get on your knees and blow me right now."
The hunter is terrified so what could he do? He gives the bear head.
He feels humiliated and very angry as he plots his revenge.  He comes back to the same area with a rifle and starts tracking the bear.  He finds some tracks and eagerly follows them until he feels a paw on his shoulder.
"You know what to do," says the Bear.
Back at home after the hunter uses a bottle of mouth wash and calms down a little he goes and buys all the latest hunting equipment.
He goes back out to the woods with his night vision goggles and a long range high power sniper rifle.  He sets up a tree stand and puts out honey for bait.  As he starts climbing up to the stand, he feel a paw on his shoulder.
"Ok buddy, I'm starting to think that you don't come out here for the hunting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au2eqc/a_guy_is_out_bow_hunting/
%
I knew R Kelly was headed for trouble when we were kids.

Playing football, he always tried to score before the first period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au2bxm/i_knew_r_kelly_was_headed_for_trouble_when_we/
%
What did the gamer eating pasta say?

Spaghottem bois.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au2585/what_did_the_gamer_eating_pasta_say/
%
Why should kids never have been allowed near R Kelly?

Well he ain’t PG13 Kelly, is he?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au23sa/why_should_kids_never_have_been_allowed_near_r/
%
Worried

Is it normal for my right testicle to be larger than the other two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au22ws/worried/
%
What do you call a Mexican who just got out of the hospital?

Manuel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au21pw/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_just_got_out_of/
%
My friend told me she doesn't like Roman Numerals because you can't make puns from them.

I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au1vmz/my_friend_told_me_she_doesnt_like_roman_numerals/
%
Never trust an acupuncturist

They're all backstabbers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au1u0d/never_trust_an_acupuncturist/
%
Will Smith got lost in the snow

They found him by following the Fresh Prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au1p2m/will_smith_got_lost_in_the_snow/
%
My wife regrets telling her class about her new amphibian.

Apparently they axolotl questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au1orm/my_wife_regrets_telling_her_class_about_her_new/
%
An American and Japanese team decided to engage in a competitive boat race.

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au1mko/an_american_and_japanese_team_decided_to_engage/
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One time my dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records

That was until I was thrown out of the library...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au1m30/one_time_my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of/
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If your roommate made you watch a movie and left after 10 minutes, it would be a dick move.

My point: Old people should not vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au1k9z/if_your_roommate_made_you_watch_a_movie_and_left/
%
During intercourse my blind girlfriend shouted "you have a huge dick!"

I just told her to stop pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au1iqr/during_intercourse_my_blind_girlfriend_shouted/
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Dick was arrested yesterday...

He was just hangin' out with some girls. He tried fitting in until the cops arrived. Poor thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au1i9g/dick_was_arrested_yesterday/
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Who wants to hear a joke about sodium?

Na, y’all wouldn’t get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au1go3/who_wants_to_hear_a_joke_about_sodium/
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Mean Drunk!

One day two guys go to a bar on the 100th floor of a building. It's a pretty fancy and famous place you'd go to tick it off the bucket list. A drunk approaches them
Drunk: You know what I can do, do ya?
Man1: Ummm, we want no trouble mister.
D: Nonsense no trouble I just wanted to let ya fellers in on a secret.
M2: What secret.
D: This flying boars brandy really does let you fly.
M1: So its that good?
D: No, no it literally allows you to fly.
M1: You're shitting us.
D: No, No come here to the deck and watch me
So they all go to the deck. The drunk takes a swig of the bottle, gives it to M1 and jumps off the deck.
He falls, 60 floor, 40 floor, 30 floor.
M1: I can't watch.
And finally just around the 3rd floor the drunk stops, and floats all the way back to the 100th floor.
M1 and M2 have their jaws around their ankles.
D: You see boys that's how its done.
M1 and M2 both take large gulps of the brandy and jump...
Straight to a messy death on the pavement.
Barkeep: You are a mean drunk, aren't you? Superman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au1efb/mean_drunk/
%
How long after a tonsillectomy is it safe to give a blowjob?

Asking for my wife. She had the operation in 2015 .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au17ia/how_long_after_a_tonsillectomy_is_it_safe_to_give/
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There isn’t much training involved in being a garbage man

You just pick it up as you go along

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au15g7/there_isnt_much_training_involved_in_being_a/
%
What's the best thing about midget jokes?

They're really short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au0xlh/whats_the_best_thing_about_midget_jokes/
%
In this day and age instead of words like, "policeman"and "policewoman"

it’s better to use gender-neutral terms such as "fucking pigs".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au0ull/in_this_day_and_age_instead_of_words_like/
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If you look for gold in Australia where do you look for silver?

Agstralia!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au0spk/if_you_look_for_gold_in_australia_where_do_you/
%
Farmer Joe was in an accident with a truck.

After putting up with nagging injuries for a couple of weeks, he decided to take the driver to court. During the trial, the driver's lawyer questioned Farmer Joe sharply, "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe replied, "Well I'll tell you what happened at the accident, I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie into..."
"I didn't ask for a story," the lawyer snapped. "Just answer my question. Did you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe replied, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in what Farmer Joe had to say, so he told the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about hi favorite mule, Bessie."
Farmer Joe thanked the judge and continued, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when all of a sudden, this truck ran the stop sign and hit my car smack on the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into another. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie in the other ditch moaning and groaning. I could tell she was in a terrible shape just from her whining. Shortly after the accident, a police officer came on the scene. He could hear Bessie whining so he went over to her ditch and, after looking her over, took out his gun and shot her in the forehead. Then the policeman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au0lnd/farmer_joe_was_in_an_accident_with_a_truck/
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I broke my bones in three places

Patient: I broke my bones in three places
Doctor: Then don't go to those three places

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au0ksp/i_broke_my_bones_in_three_places/
%
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. But the lightbulb has to really want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au0j0k/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au0ist/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_painting/
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In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au0fs2/in_statistics_a_larger_sample_size_results_in/
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A man goes to the doctor for blood tests [long]

After extended testing and an agonizing wait, he finally gets a call from the doctor to immediately come into the office and to have as little contact with others as possible.
On arrival he is greeted by a nurse in full bio suit and whisked into a barren room.
The doctor comes in, also in full biohazard suit, and says to the man “I’m afraid the results of your blood test are in and the prognosis is dire”
At this point the man is terrified.
“What’s the prognosis doctor?”
“Well, it appears you have contracted E-Bola, bubonic plague, and AIDS.”
Shaken to the core, the man stammers “what does this mean? Can we do anything?”
The doctor replies”well, we actually do have a plan for you”
Relieved the man says “what is it? When can we start?”
The doctor says”we can start immediately. Here’s the plan. We’re going to put you in an isolated room and put you on a diet of pizza”
Confused, the man says “pizza, will that help me to get better?”
“No” the doctor says “but it’s all we can fit under the door”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au0dxj/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_blood_tests_long/
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As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au0dog/as_a_farmer_my_days_can_be_a_bit_lonely_i_find/
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What does a walrus and a Tupperware sales lady have in common?

They are both looking for a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/au072v/what_does_a_walrus_and_a_tupperware_sales_lady/
%
Why was Thomas the Tank Engine bullied?

Because he is trains gender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atzzyl/why_was_thomas_the_tank_engine_bullied/
%
Why are 490 Romans so funny?

XD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atzthc/why_are_490_romans_so_funny/
%
Canada got it all wrong!

So Canada got it all wrong. I mean, they had the opportunity to have American technology, British culture and French cuisine, but went with American culture, British cuisine and French technology!
Heard this about 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Can’t beat a good stereotype!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atzrz4/canada_got_it_all_wrong/
%
Peta and Repeata were in a boat. Peta fell out, who survived?

The animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atzqbe/peta_and_repeata_were_in_a_boat_peta_fell_out_who/
%
Two pretzels were walking down an alley.

One was a salted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atzq7m/two_pretzels_were_walking_down_an_alley/
%
In court, a woman asks for custody of her daughter.

Woman claims that she gone through pain by giving birth to her daughter to bring her to this world therefore she should obtain the custody.
Then the judge asks the man for an argument why he should obtain the custody of his daughter.
The man said: "Judge, if you insert a coin into a vending machine and get a bottle of Coke, to whom does the bottle belongs?
Vending machines or yours?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atzp9n/in_court_a_woman_asks_for_custody_of_her_daughter/
%
What did one nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atzogq/what_did_one_nut_say_when_it_was_chasing_the/
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What’s the difference between a gun and a whiny liberal?

A gun only has one trigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atznni/whats_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a_whiny/
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My Dr. told me that I have one month to live. I said, "But Dr., I can’t pay my bill."

So he gave me another month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atznd4/my_dr_told_me_that_i_have_one_month_to_live_i/
%
DnD books:$20

Gas to go the store:$15
Realizing you have nothing to roll:diceless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atzm25/dnd_books20/
%
I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atziom/i_almost_completed_my_collection_of_herbs_and/
%
R Kelly is really changing the rap game

He takes the art out of rap artist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atziea/r_kelly_is_really_changing_the_rap_game/
%
Guy says to a Blonde, I bet I can guess your birthday just by fondling your tits, no way says the blonde, go on then, 20 minutes later the blonde says OK when was I born. Guy replied.

Yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atzgf8/guy_says_to_a_blonde_i_bet_i_can_guess_your/
%
Many top scientists are on the autism spectrum..

And that means that autism causes vaccines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atzg4s/many_top_scientists_are_on_the_autism_spectrum/
%
Hellen Keller walked into a bar

And then a chair, and then a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atzg2i/hellen_keller_walked_into_a_bar/
%
I always cheated on my psychology tests...

I don't know what that says about me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atzaw7/i_always_cheated_on_my_psychology_tests/
%
Bubba

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atz6ua/bubba/
%
What's the difference between me and eggs?

Eggs get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atz4cb/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_eggs/
%
Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.

"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atz2x5/two_guys_in_a_health_club_one_is_putting_on_lace/
%
Why are jokes about anti-vax kids the best?

They never get old!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atz0b3/why_are_jokes_about_antivax_kids_the_best/
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What do you call six men having anal sex with a woman in the back of an old fashioned car?

Shitty Shitty Gang Bang!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atz018/what_do_you_call_six_men_having_anal_sex_with_a/
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A chicken pie in Jamaica costs €2.00 A chicken pie in Trinidad costs €2.15 A chicken pie in St Kitts costs €2.40

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atyxd6/a_chicken_pie_in_jamaica_costs_200_a_chicken_pie/
%
A woman storms into a pharmacy.

She stomps right up to the pharmacist at the counter, loudly drops her purse down, and says sternly, “I want a bottle of arsenic!”
“Woah, woah, woah!” The pharmacist is clearly taken aback. “Ma’am, I can’t give you that.”
“I found out my husband is cheating on me and I want a bottle of arsenic!”
“Ma’am, you’re not hearing me. I can’t give you arsenic. In fact, you could be arrested for what you just told me!”
The woman reaches into her purse. She pulls out a folded up photo and hands it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist, confused, unfolds the photo. In it, he sees the woman’s husband having sex with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looks up and says, “Why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atysh7/a_woman_storms_into_a_pharmacy/
%
"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

a defense lawyer confided in his client.
"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags in my hands"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atykrf/the_prosecutor_says_she_can_produce_five/
%
What do we want?! Low Flying Airplane noises! When do we want them?!

***NNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atyj5k/what_do_we_want_low_flying_airplane_noises_when/
%
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more bean would be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atyhyp/why_do_the_irish_only_put_239_beans_in_their_soup/
%
Can a Mongolian make you laugh?

Genghis Kahn.
(No idea if this is an old joke or not. I told it in a dream I had last night so I'm claiming as original).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atyhua/can_a_mongolian_make_you_laugh/
%
Herpes had to originate from a female.

Otherwise it would be called, hispes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atyhbg/herpes_had_to_originate_from_a_female/
%
A mental asylum was getting too crowded so the director decided to do a quick test to try and lessen the population..

He chose 15 least mentally ill patients to a room wich he had painted a door on the wall.
He says: "behind that door is freedom, you can now leave this hospital." all of the patients jumped off their benches and and started running towards the door painted on the wall and smashed into the wall except one, who was still sitting in his bench. While the others were sent for treatment for their injuries and back to their rooms, the director said to that man that he is free to leave this hospital. They did the paperworks and walked outside where a taxi was waiting for the now free man. While he was sitting in the taxi, the director asked him: why didnt you try to go trough the door earlier in that room?"
He replied:"im not stupid, i knew you had the key for it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atygnu/a_mental_asylum_was_getting_too_crowded_so_the/
%
A young man takes a girls cherry

Afterwards she say's, "Will I ever get my cherry back?" He replies "No, but you will always have the box it came in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atyfqh/a_young_man_takes_a_girls_cherry/
%
I keep trying to write a joke about the Kraft scandal...

...but they all end up too cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atyfj1/i_keep_trying_to_write_a_joke_about_the_kraft/
%
What is the highest form of flattery?

A plateau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atye26/what_is_the_highest_form_of_flattery/
%
News just in that American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atydxx/news_just_in_that_american_teachers_will_now_be/
%
I just won 10 million dollars from a lottery ticket. I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Those were the proudest 25 cents I ever donated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aty890/i_just_won_10_million_dollars_from_a_lottery/
%
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aty7n8/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
%
My son wasn't allowed on the rollercoaster because he wasn't big enough. How unfair is that!

.... making a two-year-old watch their dad go on it alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aty7lv/my_son_wasnt_allowed_on_the_rollercoaster_because/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aty6xo/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
I once went on a date with a girl who didn't swallow...

Soup everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aty226/i_once_went_on_a_date_with_a_girl_who_didnt/
%
"I have 67 sheep. Can you round them up for me?"

"Sure.. 70."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atxz85/i_have_67_sheep_can_you_round_them_up_for_me/
%
A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...

He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says “go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins”.
20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The  kid looks up and says 'see, not so funny when it's your mum is it?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atxvfa/a_kid_gets_out_of_his_bed_at_night_as_he_cant/
%
have you heard about the janitor that died?

yeah, he kicked the bucket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atxtn8/have_you_heard_about_the_janitor_that_died/
%
Don't confuse your Google search with my computer scienc--

-- actually, never mind. It amounts to the same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atxohz/dont_confuse_your_google_search_with_my_computer/
%
Did you mean to use wordplay there?

Nope unintended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atxmur/did_you_mean_to_use_wordplay_there/
%
My girlfriend is the star goalie of her soccer team

She's a keeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atxmcg/my_girlfriend_is_the_star_goalie_of_her_soccer/
%
What’s the sexiest type of bug?

A WHOREnet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atxcib/whats_the_sexiest_type_of_bug/
%
What did one nut tell the other before they seperated?

"Bye, I'll cashew later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atx95b/what_did_one_nut_tell_the_other_before_they/
%
What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut fucks everyone whereas a bitch fucks everyone except for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atx8ic/whats_the_difference_between_a_slut_and_a_bitch/
%
What’s the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atx7j6/whats_the_difference_between_amy_winehouse_and/
%
What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atx5fd/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
What do you call the terms describing lawn ornaments?

Gnomenclature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atx5ca/what_do_you_call_the_terms_describing_lawn/
%
Went to the park yesterday to play frisbee with my dog.

Think I'm gonna need a flatter dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atww1q/went_to_the_park_yesterday_to_play_frisbee_with/
%
One day, some friars open up a flower shop

Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse to budge.
With no other options, the other florists enlist the help of the meanest man in town - a thug named Hugh. The florists pay him to storm into the friars’ shop, wreck it with a baseball bat and warn the friars that he’ll be back if they don’t shut down their operation. With their lives at stake, the terrified friars comply.
The moral: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atwty9/one_day_some_friars_open_up_a_flower_shop/
%
Why dont ambassadors get sick?

Diplomatic immunity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atwrqz/why_dont_ambassadors_get_sick/
%
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atwpck/an_american_soldier_serving_in_world_war_ii_had/
%
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:

Fuck off, you won't bring it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atwo9h/a_man_went_into_a_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
%
Poetry and Short Stories

"I'm afraid I've caught poetry."
"Oh, really? Well, don't worry, sir. I used to... suffer from short stories."
"Really? When?"
"Oh, once upon a time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atwkv9/poetry_and_short_stories/
%
My wife just recently passed away. The thing that I am going to miss the most is her voice. Phrases like "I love you", "I'm so glad that we met", and...

..."Slow the FUCK down in this rain before  we hit a tree".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atwk9d/my_wife_just_recently_passed_away_the_thing_that/
%
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.

It was such a nice jester!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atwje5/yesterday_a_clown_held_the_door_open_for_me/
%
Me and a friend go in a bar...

My friend who is homosexual was high, so he was looking zoned out.
The bartender asked why he looked confused. I said because he wasn't thinking straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atwj5x/me_and_a_friend_go_in_a_bar/
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What did the diner waitress say to Attila?

"More coffee, Hun?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atwj45/what_did_the_diner_waitress_say_to_attila/
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You're living, you occupy space and you have mass. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atwdy6/youre_living_you_occupy_space_and_you_have_mass/
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Never buy perforated paper

It's a tearable ripoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atw78g/never_buy_perforated_paper/
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My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atw55i/my_wife_wanted_to_get_into_role_play_to_spice/
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The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atw51p/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
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A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atw48m/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work...

...and orders a drink. As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it.
But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”
He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender.
He says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atw3q7/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_after_a_long_day_at_work/
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I gave a girl my umbrella today

That makes the number of girls I've made wet -1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atw2g8/i_gave_a_girl_my_umbrella_today/
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What does DNA stand for

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atvzfc/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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A man was convicted for murdering and eating his victims, which consisted of homosexuals and disabled people

When asked why he did this, he responded that he just wanted to get his 5 fruit and veg a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atvyq9/a_man_was_convicted_for_murdering_and_eating_his/
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My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath...

I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atvtzf/my_doctor_told_me_to_drink_a_brandy_with_port/
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Riddle: A flat-earther and a round-earther enter a maze at the same time. They each have a compass, and both know that the exit is on the North end of the maze. Which one exits the maze first?

The round-earther exits first, because the flat-earther died of measles while inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atvtb6/riddle_a_flatearther_and_a_roundearther_enter_a/
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A bear walks into a bar

And orders a whisky and
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Coke
Bartender: Why the big pause?
Bear: I don't know. I was just born with them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atvs33/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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Do you know how Kim Jong Un’s father died?

He was very il

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atvpka/do_you_know_how_kim_jong_uns_father_died/
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How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Because PETA can't change anything.
(Found this joke in a Super Meat Boy manual)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atvf50/how_many_peta_members_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A man asks a woman:"Do you want to be the mother of my childs?"

W: "Yes, I would love to!"
M: "They are impatiently waiting you at home"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atvdbw/a_man_asks_a_womando_you_want_to_be_the_mother_of/
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How many Jackie Chans does it take to change a weebs light bulb?

One because hes the Onii Chan they need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atvcnm/how_many_jackie_chans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Prices are going up

Two housewives met in the local supermarket. One had filled her shopping cart with Vaseline. She explained, “They are going to raise the price so, I’m stocking up.”
The other woman replied, “I’d never go to such extremes to save money. I’m not that tight.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atvbi4/prices_are_going_up/
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Sir, you've got a very rare disease

Me: "How rare?"
Doctor: "You pick the name"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atvbez/sir_youve_got_a_very_rare_disease/
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Bees like to stay huddled up together in their hives during the winter

Swarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atvbdk/bees_like_to_stay_huddled_up_together_in_their/
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Police have warned of a man in craft stores dipping his testicles in glitter.

It’s pretty nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atux65/police_have_warned_of_a_man_in_craft_stores/
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I’m about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes.

I have to take a course in anchor management.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atuwrk/im_about_to_lose_my_job_in_the_navy_unless_i_make/
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Did you hear about the talking pony? ...

He was a little hoarse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atuv8g/did_you_hear_about_the_talking_pony/
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Now that he’s divorced, what does Amazon’s CEO do when he’s feeling lonely?

Jeff pays hoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atuun2/now_that_hes_divorced_what_does_amazons_ceo_do/
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atutnj/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
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three men walk up to the gates of heaven,

the gatekeeper asks each man to describe how he died.
the first man walks up to the gate keeper and says:
'i was concerned my wife was cheeting on me so one day i said i was going to work, walked outside our appartment then walked back in saying i had forgotten somthing. i look in at my wife and see two hands holding on to the bottom of the window next to her. i run up and see a man hanging there, so i stamp on his feet. he doesnt let go so i run off and get a hammer, i hit his hands with the hammer and he finally lets go, he falls to the ground and miraciulously survives so i run off and throw the fridge out of the window, killing him. i then keel over and die from a heart attack.'
'you may pass' the gate keeper says
the second man walks up to the gate keeper and says:
'i was leaning out of my appartment window when i lost ballence and fell, i managed to catch onto the bottom of a window in my fall. then said window opens and a madman starts stamping on my hands, i manage to hold on. he then leaves and returns with a hammer which he uses to start hitting my hands with. i loose my grip and fall but miraculously dont die. i look up and see a fridge falling and it kills me on impact.'
'you may pass' the gate keeper says
the third man walks up to the gate keeper and clears his throat,
'picture this, i was hiding in a fridge.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atutc6/three_men_walk_up_to_the_gates_of_heaven/
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Robert Kraft facing charges of soliciting a prostitute just means...

That once again the Patriots are tied to a scandal involving deflated balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atupbq/robert_kraft_facing_charges_of_soliciting_a/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It never lasts long if you're fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atung7/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atumqv/pun_enters_a_room_kills_10_people/
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Two American soldiers were walking in the jungle of Vietnam

As they were walking, a snake pops out of nowhere and bites one of them, right on his penis.
He collapses shortly afterward and starts sweating.
“I don’t wanna lose you buddy” the other soldier says as he’s crying and holding his dying friends hand.
The bitten soldier says “listen, there’s a village not too far from here. I’m sure they deal with these snakes all the time. Go to them and see if they have a cure”
With that the soldier runs as fast as he can to the village, desperate to save his war buddy and best pal. He looks around for the local doctor, finds him. He pulls out a field guide and shows the image of the snake that bit his friend.
“Please, you have to help me save him.”  He says, sniffling.
The doctor says “okay, I help. First- you must clean the infected area, VERY thoroughly. Then, press your lips on the area and suck the venom out, then use this lotion and rub it all over the infected area.”
Back at his wounded buddy, the soldier says “yeah, you’re gonna die.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atuli1/two_american_soldiers_were_walking_in_the_jungle/
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R. Kelly has been denied bail

The judge believed he was a flight risk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atud0e/r_kelly_has_been_denied_bail/
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New marijuana research reveals that it cures...

Symptoms of motivation by up to 95%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atu8f7/new_marijuana_research_reveals_that_it_cures/
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Jussie Smollett paid two black actors to beat him up,

when Liam Neeson would have done it for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atu2rb/jussie_smollett_paid_two_black_actors_to_beat_him/
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When i was younger i had a invisible Japanese friend...

***as i grew up i just realised it was just my imagine-asian***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/attzlz/when_i_was_younger_i_had_a_invisible_japanese/
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I would rather have a colonoscopy than read twitter comments

With a colonoscopy there's only a CHANCE you'll find cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/attyju/i_would_rather_have_a_colonoscopy_than_read/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Seven’s been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/attyd6/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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This is ridiculous!

I just saw a guy put his waterbottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill next to me!
What a waste of space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/attpbz/this_is_ridiculous/
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No ice scraper for my car window this morning...

***So i used my loyalty card but could only get 10% off***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/attkzo/no_ice_scraper_for_my_car_window_this_morning/
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A salesman position

(English is not my mother language so ignore any  grammatical mistakes)  :)
A guy is interviewed for a salesman position, the interviewer asks the guy to take his laptop saying "let's see if you can convince me to buy this laptop, I want you to walk in again thinking of me as a customer."
The guy walked out as the interviewer said but didn't came in
The interviewer calls him to get in but the guy isn't there anymore.
The interviewer realized that that guy just stole his laptop, so he went to check the guys' phone number from his resume and started calling him.
The guy answered and the interviewer spoke immediately saying "BRING ME MY LAPTOP NOW! IT HAS ALL MY WORK DOCUMENTS!"
Which the guy replied to by saying"are you buying it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/attkjq/a_salesman_position/
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What do they use to track Olympic swimmers’ speed?

A speedo meter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/attdw8/what_do_they_use_to_track_olympic_swimmers_speed/
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All the single ladies

I fucking hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her facebook status to 'single'
I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time and you don't see me changing my status to 'orphan'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/attcav/all_the_single_ladies/
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Islam is the one true religion

Because the universe started with a big bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/att9jy/islam_is_the_one_true_religion/
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Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?

Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atszym/why_are_canadians_always_over_qualified_for_jobs/
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A weird order at the pet shop

A guy walks in a pet shop and says: "I want 2 rats, 7 mice, 190 spiders and a pound of flies."
The guy behind the bar lifts an eyebrow and aks: "You're an owner of snakes?"
"No" said the man. "I am moving and they asked to leave the house in the same state."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atszbw/a_weird_order_at_the_pet_shop/
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To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camoflauge jacket..

You can hide, but you cant run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atswro/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
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What is the difference between a freshly made pizza and a hungry jungle tiger?

One tastes delicious to you and you taste delicious to one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atsw66/what_is_the_difference_between_a_freshly_made/
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How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport

Re:LAX

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atsrod/how_do_you_reply_to_an_email_about_someone/
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Three hookers were sitting in a bar...

The first hooker says: "My pussy is so big men can fit an entire fist up there!"
The second one says: "Oh that's nothing, most men can fit *two* whole fists up mine!"
The 3rd hooker just starts sliding down the barstool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atspmh/three_hookers_were_sitting_in_a_bar/
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What did our parents do to kill boredom before the Internet?

I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atskqt/what_did_our_parents_do_to_kill_boredom_before/
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Mama always said, "Life is like a box of chocolates..."

Doesn't last as long when you're fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atsjge/mama_always_said_life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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I wanna go back to the 90's

Cuz back then I didn't fucking exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atshb1/i_wanna_go_back_to_the_90s/
%
Why is it so hard for economists to go gluten free?

Because their food preferences are very sticky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ats9fx/why_is_it_so_hard_for_economists_to_go_gluten_free/
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A Crossbow is like a Beautiful Woman

It has a lot of complicated parts and if you handle them wrong it will snap and break your fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ats6ql/a_crossbow_is_like_a_beautiful_woman/
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What did our parents do to kill time before the internet?

I asked my 16 siblings and they didn't know either.
Not oc but thought I'd share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ats570/what_did_our_parents_do_to_kill_time_before_the/
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People always told my dad that his pride would be the death of him

and sure enough, he was eaten by his favorite lion just last Wednesday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ats3w9/people_always_told_my_dad_that_his_pride_would_be/
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Wife asks the husband, who's the fool - you or me?

The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool"
Edit - I swear the joke was hilarious in the language I translated it from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atrw7m/wife_asks_the_husband_whos_the_fool_you_or_me/
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What did the biologist say when his sister asked him what his favorite part of his foot was?

Mitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atrtaz/what_did_the_biologist_say_when_his_sister_asked/
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What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atrs8y/what_do_dale_earnhardt_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
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Why did Helen Keller fire her housekeeper?

She left the plunger in the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atrqa5/why_did_helen_keller_fire_her_housekeeper/
%
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..... “it was then that I.... lost it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atrpp3/a_lady_about_8_months_pregnant_got_on_a_bus_she/
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Old Turkish joke

One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection.
Temel looks around.
On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. As a “clever” man, Temel chooses to drive towards the child instead of the bazaar. However, the next day, newspaper headlines read “TEMEL DROVE HIS TRUCK INTO THE BAZAAR, 40 KILLED, 35 INJURED”.
They ask Temel: “How come you commit such an act?”
Temel answers: “Everything happened when the child started to run towards the bazaar”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atrka1/old_turkish_joke/
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I went to the optometrists office and the doctor said "my god sir you have to stop masturbating"

I said: Why doc am I going blind?"
He said: no, but you're upsetting my other patients!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atrij9/i_went_to_the_optometrists_office_and_the_doctor/
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I found a woman that was just like my mother. She talked the same, laughed the same, dressed the same. So I took her home

My dad absolutely hated her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atr66a/i_found_a_woman_that_was_just_like_my_mother_she/
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A Winter War joke

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"
The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.
After a few minutes, the voice shouts defiantly: "One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred Soviet soldiers!!"
The general sends a hundred men to remove the nuisance, there is a racket of gunfire, and then quiet.
The voice crys out loudly once more: "One Finnish soldier is better than a *thousand* Soviet soldiers!!"
Enraged, the general sends a thousand men charging over the hilltop to shut up that voice once and for all, an epic battle rages, and then quiet. After a few minutes, a gravely wounded Soviet crawls back over the hill and crys:
"It's a trap! There are *two* Finnish soldiers!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atr364/a_winter_war_joke/
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I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.

In hindsight, I think it was a mist opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atr2a1/i_was_offered_a_job_studying_fog_but_i_turned_it/
%
Did you hear about the musician who was being bad?

Well, I don’t quite remember what he did, but he was in pretty big treble!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atr279/did_you_hear_about_the_musician_who_was_being_bad/
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Your momma so fat..

When she lays on the beach to sun bath, Greenpeace comes over and tries to tow her back into the water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atqy7q/your_momma_so_fat/
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An old Jewish mother complains to her friend, "My son Joey converted to Christianity."

Her friend says, "My God, my Eddy also converted! What can we do about it?"
The first woman responds, "The only thing we can do is pray."
So, the two of them head to the synagogue, where they sit down with prayer books and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. After a few minutes, they hear a booming voice coming out of nowhere.
"How am I supposed to help?" God says, irritated. "My son converted to Christianity too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atqw2j/an_old_jewish_mother_complains_to_her_friend_my/
%
Pun enters a room and kills ten people

Pun in, ten dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atqu7o/pun_enters_a_room_and_kills_ten_people/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard of the IRS

I’d only have 90 cents for every time I’ve heard of the IRS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atqsvp/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_ive_heard_of_the/
%
NSFW Why are camels called the ship of the desert?

Because they’re full of Arab semen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atqs46/nsfw_why_are_camels_called_the_ship_of_the_desert/
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What did Benjamin Franklin name his willy?

Urethra Franklin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atqis3/what_did_benjamin_franklin_name_his_willy/
%
Blind prostitutes.

You gotta hand it to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atqc01/blind_prostitutes/
%
A man walks Into a library and asks “can I have some fish and chips please?” The librarian replies “sir, this is a library”

“Oh sorry!”
*whispers* “can I have some fish and chips?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atq6yo/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_can_i_have/
%
I sexually indentify as kilometers per second

Because I want to km/s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atq4j1/i_sexually_indentify_as_kilometers_per_second/
%
A mugger stole my mood ring from me, but luckily, I wasn't hurt.

I really don't know how to feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atq4gs/a_mugger_stole_my_mood_ring_from_me_but_luckily_i/
%
I gave my girlfriend an STD and I’m devastated

If I transmitted it to her, then why do I still have it?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atq11d/i_gave_my_girlfriend_an_std_and_im_devastated/
%
It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes 'woof', a Czech dog goes 'haf', a Dutch dog goes 'blaf' and a Korean dog goes 'sizzle'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atpw93/it_is_interesting_how_different_nations_have/
%
Chinese takeout: $11.95

Gas to get there and back: $2.58
Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atpvqi/chinese_takeout_1195/
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What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

A couple electrons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atpt52/whats_the_difference_between_a_seal_and_a_sea_lion/
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An English teacher asks Little Johnny

“Make an opposite of this sentence: ‘Kids in the dark usually make errors.’” - Little Johnny: “Errors in the dark usually make children."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atpkba/an_english_teacher_asks_little_johnny/
%
Why are black people so tall?

Because their knee grows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atpi75/why_are_black_people_so_tall/
%
What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?

Expellianus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atpi2v/what_do_wizards_in_harry_potter_use_instead_of/
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When I was 7 my grandad told me the funniest joke I've ever heard, and I've never forgotten it

which is more than he can say, the senile old bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atphi4/when_i_was_7_my_grandad_told_me_the_funniest_joke/
%
Congrats to the Patriots on their 7th ring,

Super Bowls XXXVI (2001), XXXVIII (2003), XXXIX (2004), XLIX (2014), LI (2016), LIII (2018), Prostitution Ring (2019)!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atpeq8/congrats_to_the_patriots_on_their_7th_ring/
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What do you call a fat weather man that studies penises?

A meaty-urologist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atpe1s/what_do_you_call_a_fat_weather_man_that_studies/
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The milkman

A blonde hears that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she leaves a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman reads the note, he figures there must be a mistake; she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocks on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde comes to the door and the milkman says, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde says, "No, I want 25 gallons. I\`m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman says, "Okay. Do you want it pasteurized?"
And blonde says "No, just up to my tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atpa5j/the_milkman/
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*Karen* : Wanna hear a joke

*Dave* : Yeah sure, why not ?!
*Karen* : The kid.
*Dave* : I don't get it.
*Karen* : Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atp7yh/karen_wanna_hear_a_joke/
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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates

They will kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atou1q/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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If pornhub has taught me anything...

It’s how to have a good father-daughter relationship
*Remade post cause spelling error in title was killing me*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atottc/if_pornhub_has_taught_me_anything/
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A wealthy woman comes back home to her husband...

A wealthy woman comes back home to her husband, she is panting and shaking.
_Wife:_ We have to fire the chauffeur, it's the second time he's tried to kill me!
_Husband:_ Come on, honey. You gotta give him another chance!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atopez/a_wealthy_woman_comes_back_home_to_her_husband/
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What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?

The abdominable snowman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atonmd/what_do_you_call_a_yeti_with_a_sixpack/
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Two lesbian vampires...

Two lesbian vampires say goodbye after having sex, one says to the other:
_"See you in 28 days!"_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atojnf/two_lesbian_vampires/
%
Little Jonny was at school and his best mate Timmy had a new watch.

Jonny asked where he got it and Timmy said “last night I walked into my parents room and they were naked on the bed having sex, my dad gave me his watch and said
“TAKE THIS AND GET OUT”.
Little Jonny wanted a new watch too so that night he decided to go into his parents room to try and catch them in the act.
As he walked into his parents room, they were hard at it, and his dad turned around and said
“WHAT DO YOU WANT JONNY”?
Jonny replied: I wanna watch!
His dad said “Then sit down in the corner and shut up”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atoh9l/little_jonny_was_at_school_and_his_best_mate/
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Two guys at the urinals were taking a leak.

One guy looks over and asks, "Is your girlfriend named Wendy too?" "No, why?", asks the second guy. First responds, "I have my girlfriend's name Wendy tattooed on my penis. When I'm flaccid it shows Wy, and I see you have it on yours too." Second guy responds: "No, mine says Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atogte/two_guys_at_the_urinals_were_taking_a_leak/
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Why would Harry Potter be a great hoodrat?

Cuz the pasty mutherfucker is great at catchin' snitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atocn3/why_would_harry_potter_be_a_great_hoodrat/
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People say Hitler had a big penis...

Nein inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atobqu/people_say_hitler_had_a_big_penis/
%
An American got busted at the border for trying to smuggle two donkeys into Mexico.

It was an assassination attempt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ato2dw/an_american_got_busted_at_the_border_for_trying/
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So a guy walks into an adult club for people who like to pee on each other...

The manager comes up to him and says "So why are you here? Do you want to join us?".
The man says "Well, I like being peed on, so yes I'd like to join".
The manager looks him dead in the eye and says "You're in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ato1ki/so_a_guy_walks_into_an_adult_club_for_people_who/
%
What did the drummer call his two daughters?

Anna one, Anna two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ato1dk/what_did_the_drummer_call_his_two_daughters/
%
A Mormon family is checking into a hotel. The father says, “I hope the porn in this room is disabled.”

“No it’s just regular, you weirdo.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ato13e/a_mormon_family_is_checking_into_a_hotel_the/
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What do you get if you cross a Jew?

Christianity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atnyd5/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_jew/
%
I think politeness is important.

That's why I offer my seat to a lady when I get off the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atnuuy/i_think_politeness_is_important/
%
Did you hear about the boy who turned up to school with only 1 glove?

He said the weather man said it's going to be cold, but on the other hand it might be warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atnu0d/did_you_hear_about_the_boy_who_turned_up_to/
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What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?

LOST!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atntj0/what_do_you_call_fifty_penguins_in_the_arctic/
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What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?

"Where were you on the night of September to March?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atnt4o/what_did_the_detective_in_the_arctic_say_to_the/
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A 16yr old boy is cleaning his grandparents attic. When he uncovers a strange lamp.

As soon as he grabs the lamp a genie appears. "One and only one wish you have" bellows the genie. Being a young and naive boy only one thought comes to mind. Without much thought he blurts out "I wish the be in between the legs of a beautiful woman". The genie booms "wish granted". With a snap of his fingers turns the boy into a tampon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atnsiv/a_16yr_old_boy_is_cleaning_his_grandparents_attic/
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The Pope, the Priest, and the Nun.

die in a car accident while traveling to St. Petersburg Cathedral. The got up to heaven and awaiting for them at heaven's gates was St. Peter.
St. Peter  - "Now I have to ask each one of you a question., If you answer correctly, you will pass threw the gates."
St. Peter turns to the Nun and asked...
"Who was the first humans on earth?"
Nun answers - "Adam and Eve."
St Peter - " Correct you may pass."
Next was the Priest...
St Peter - "Where did Adam and Eve lived?"
Priest - " The Garden of Eden."
St Peter - " Yep, you may pass."
The Pope steps foward....
St Peter - "Now since you're the highest of the clerigies this question has to be a difficult and challenging for you."
"What was the frist word that Eve said to Adam?"
The Pope stood there, start to scratch his head and replied...
The Pope - " Oh bloody hell that's a hard one..."
St Peter - "Correct you may proceed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atnpfh/the_pope_the_priest_and_the_nun/
%
What do gay horses eat?

Horse dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atnkiv/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
%
What does Batman call his dick ?

Lil Wayne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atneix/what_does_batman_call_his_dick/
%
When I was growing up my parents treated me like a flower...

Self raising

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atndxg/when_i_was_growing_up_my_parents_treated_me_like/
%
I just lost my quantum computer!

I checked to see if it was on, and now I don't know where it is...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atnccp/i_just_lost_my_quantum_computer/
%
Steve Irwin put on sunscreen.

Too bad it didn’t protect him from harmful rays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atmy2u/steve_irwin_put_on_sunscreen/
%
A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door...

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.
Before I spoke, he tipped a bucket of dog shit onto my carpet and said: “if this vacuum doesn’t remove every trace of it I will personally eat what’s left.”
I replied: “I hope you’re hungry because they cut off my electricity this morning!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atmuw5/a_vacuum_cleaner_salesman_knocked_on_my_door/
%
When did a gut feeling save your life?

When my appendix burst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atmluj/when_did_a_gut_feeling_save_your_life/
%
Fruit Basket

A man takes his girlfriend on a weekend getaway to a beach resort. They check in and the concierge takes them up to show them their lavish suite. He points out the huge fruit basket filled with goodies as they enter, The suite has great views of the ocean, a jacuzzi etc etc... They tip the concierge and get on with their weekend. They never however, opened the fruit basket.
At check out time, as the man reviews the bill and he is surprised to see that they charged them $250 for the fruit basket.
Man: There must be a mistake, we never opened the fruit basket in the room so you cant charge me for it.
Cashier: Sir, with all due respect, it was there the entire weekend. Whether you chose to use it or not, was up to you. You still owe the hotel $250.
Man: Hmm, In that case please deduct $1000 from my bill please.
Cashier: Deduct $1000 for what, Sir?
Man: For fucking my girlfriend!
Cashier: Oh, What? Sir but i never did such a thing.
Man: Well, with all due respect, she was there the entire weekend. Whether you chose to fuck her or not, was up to you. You still owe me $1000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atmelc/fruit_basket/
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What do you call a con-man dwarf with esp?

A small medium, at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atmchd/what_do_you_call_a_conman_dwarf_with_esp/
%
Bob Ross famously said that "we don't make mistakes, just happy accidents"...

Clearly he never played Tetris.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atma4k/bob_ross_famously_said_that_we_dont_make_mistakes/
%
I was having issues getting my phone audio to connect to my car stereo

So I changed the name of my device to "Titanic".
Now its syncing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atm44j/i_was_having_issues_getting_my_phone_audio_to/
%
Why are lesbian's food expenses so high?

Because they are always eating out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atm3na/why_are_lesbians_food_expenses_so_high/
%
Why do New Zealanders always do well at rowing?

Because it combines the two things they are best at,
sitting down,
and going backward....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atlvyi/why_do_new_zealanders_always_do_well_at_rowing/
%
What's the difference between normal schools and schools in Alabama?

Schools in Alabama teach the relative theory in sex education

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atlvlt/whats_the_difference_between_normal_schools_and/
%
One day in class, the math teacher Mrs. Brown noticed that Little Johnny was not paying attention to what she was saying...

So she called Little Johnny to recite in class.
"Little Johnny, answer this math question," she said. "If you have 500 dollars and you gave 100 dollars to Susie and gave 100 dollars to Jeannie and gave 100 dollars to Mary Ann, what do you have ?"
"An orgy," answered Little Johnny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atlvkz/one_day_in_class_the_math_teacher_mrs_brown/
%
R Kelly has been charged with sexual abuse

I guess there was something wrong with that bump and grind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atlv4z/r_kelly_has_been_charged_with_sexual_abuse/
%
What do you call it when a cow saves your life?

Bovine intervention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atlr3n/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_cow_saves_your_life/
%
The only things flat earthers fear

Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atlqvr/the_only_things_flat_earthers_fear/
%
Shots

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
“What can I get you?” the bartender inquires.
“I want six shots of tequila,” responded the young man.
“Six shots? Are you celebrating something?”
“Yeah, my first blowjob.”
“Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.”
“No offense, sir, but if six shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atlpb7/shots/
%
Why does Robert Kraft only pay prostitutes $499.75 even though they charge $500?

He refuses to play without a quarter back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atlmty/why_does_robert_kraft_only_pay_prostitutes_49975/
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[Long] Pete was a truck driver who hated lawyers

Pete was a truck driver who hated lawyers. Every time he saw a lawyer walk by the road he would swing over and run them over with his truck. One day while he was out driving, he saw a priest walk by the side of the road. Thinking it could not hurt to help a servant of god he stopped and asked the priest if he needed a lift. The priest was grateful and said that he was on his way to the local church wich was 10 minutes away. "No problem Father" said Pete and off they went.
After 5 minutes Pete saw another lawyer walking next to the road. He instinctively turned the truck towards the lawyer and hit the gas. But then he remembered that he had a priest in the passenger seat next to him, so he did his best to avoid the lawyer and turned away the truck just in time. Even though Pete was sure that he did not hit the lawyer, he heard a loud "BOOM" sound. He could not understand where the sound came from and decided to tell the priest what he had almost done, "I am sorry Father, I almost hit the lawyer back there" said Pete. "Dont worry son, I got him with the door" said the Priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atllx2/long_pete_was_a_truck_driver_who_hated_lawyers/
%
My friend runs a very successful business making prosthetic limbs and exporting them worldwide.

He is an International Arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atleql/my_friend_runs_a_very_successful_business_making/
%
Jim asks his formerly obese friend Phil how he has lost weight so fast

Phil replies, "I tell you my secret. There's this clinic I went to. They have a special program that makes you lose weight incredibly fast. Here's the address."
So next weekend Jim has his first appointment at the clinic. He is welcomed by the doctor who sends him upstairs to the first floor for his first treatment." In the parlor on the first floor, he finds a smoking hot 20-year old nurse with a great body and barely any clothes wearing. "If you catch me, you may make love to me", she says. Jim is stunned by this beauty and, eventually, after a long chase through the first floor, he catches her and they make love.
Excited by his success and the weight he lost, he talks to Phil. "Well", Phil says, "if you like it so much, you should really try the advanced treatment on the second floor."
So the next weekend, Jim makes an appointment with the doctor for the second floor. In the room on the second floor, he is greeted by an even hotter nurse, who is in incredibly good physical shape. "If you catch me, you may make love to me", she says.
After a long hunt through the second floor, Jim catches her, and they make love.
Jim is thrilled how well the treatment is going for him and talks to his buddy again. "You know what", Phil says, "If you really want the best weight loss program then you must try the third floor."
So the following weekend, Jim decides to book the treatment on the third floor. While going upwards with the elevator, Jim wonders what could possibly be even better than his last therapy session.
Upon entering the treatment room, he is greeted by a huge, hairy, naked black guy with genitals that nearly touch the very floor they are treading on.
"If I catch you, I may make love to you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atleeb/jim_asks_his_formerly_obese_friend_phil_how_he/
%
A dog walks into a saloon

All the patrons go quiet as they look at the dog who’s wearing spurs and a cowboy hat, with a gun on his hip.
The bartender says, “now listen here partner, we don’t want any trouble. What’s your business?”
The dog lets out a faint growl, lifts up his front right leg and replies, “I’m looking for the man who shot my pa”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atlbox/a_dog_walks_into_a_saloon/
%
Two drunk guys out drinking come down to their last $5

One of the Drunk guys wants to use the $5 to get more drinks, the other drunk guy wants to use the $5 for food because he’s starving.  The guy who wanted more drinks had a great idea.. He said to his drunk friend, “How bout we take the five dollars and we’ll go buy a hot dog, then we’ll go to a bar and order drinks and as soon as they serve them to us, I’ll pull out the hot dog like it’s my Johnson, and you act like you’re sucking it and they’ll tell us to get out and we’ll grab our drinks and leave without paying!!” The other guy, being drunk and starving, agreed to the crazy idea.
Surprisingly enough, the trick worked at all of the four bars they tried it at. Once they got to the fifth bar, the drunk friend who had been getting on his knees to do the fake sucking said “Man, can we please switch spots? My knees are killing me!” To which the other drunk guy said “You think that’s bad? I lost the hot dog after the first bar!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atlamj/two_drunk_guys_out_drinking_come_down_to_their/
%
My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atl81l/my_father_always_told_me_lick_the_knife_to_get/
%
What do you call spiderman after he lost his powers, but still jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour
(-my brother)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atl3dy/what_do_you_call_spiderman_after_he_lost_his/
%
A man is telling a story to his friend.

He says:
- So last night I was at that sexy girl's place, and we were talkin' dirty. And at one point she blindfolded herself and said "Do what you want!". So, y'know, I grabbed her phone and laptop and walked out...
At that point, his friend starts laughing. The first guy replies:
- What you laughin' at? If you were there, we could have taken the TV!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atky74/a_man_is_telling_a_story_to_his_friend/
%
I don’t see the point in speed bumps

If anything they slow you down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atkupw/i_dont_see_the_point_in_speed_bumps/
%
New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution.

He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atksvl/new_england_patriots_robert_craft_is_charged_with/
%
I was feeling miserable and depressed today

So I played some sad songs to turn it all around. now I'm depressed and miserable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atksjs/i_was_feeling_miserable_and_depressed_today/
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Why do I add baking soda to my pumpkin spice lattes?

To make them even more basic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atkr0u/why_do_i_add_baking_soda_to_my_pumpkin_spice/
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Want to hear a joke about the ozone layer?

[Depleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atkld9/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_the_ozone_layer/
%
Even though Steve Irwin died

He died with animals in his heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atkklt/even_though_steve_irwin_died/
%
I’m Venezuelan, if I had a dollar for every time people ask me about the political situation in my country

I would have enough money to get the hell out of here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atkhrn/im_venezuelan_if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time/
%
When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof

I was shocked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atkek9/when_i_found_out_my_toaster_wasnt_waterproof/
%
So Bill Gates walks into an Apple store and farts the hell out of life. Everyone looks at him and says dude wtf it stinks.

Bill Gates b like "well its not my problem ya'll dont have windows in here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atk9yh/so_bill_gates_walks_into_an_apple_store_and_farts/
%
Did you hear that Donald sent Melania to find out about the Mueller probe?

She came back and told him it's at least eight inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atk9l4/did_you_hear_that_donald_sent_melania_to_find_out/
%
A man with a monkey on his shoulder enters the bar.

While he's sipping his drink at the bar, the monkey jumps around to eat everything he finds. He jumps on a pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender shouts "did you see what monkey did?"
"No, what did he do?" the man asks.
"He swallowed my billiard ball!" says thr bartender.
"I'm not surprised at all. This jackass eats everything he sees" so he pays for drinks and everything the monkey ate.
Two weeks later, the same man comes to the bar again. While he's sipping his drink, the monkey starts to jump there and there. He finds a green plum in the bar. He stucks it into his ass, then takes it out and eats it.
The bartender who saw it shouts "hey! Did you see what monkey did?"
"No, what did he do?" asks the man.
"He stucks a plum into his ass, then takes it out and eats it." says the bartender.
The man says "he's still eating everything he sees, but he's been measuring everything after he swallowed the billiard ball. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atk8n7/a_man_with_a_monkey_on_his_shoulder_enters_the_bar/
%
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "why the long face" the horse replies

"I have clinical depression"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atk7m8/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_says_why/
%
Got drunk and told my arabic neighbor his cooking tasted like shit

I really falafel about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atk7by/got_drunk_and_told_my_arabic_neighbor_his_cooking/
%
A long time ago, every village used to have its own scribe.

The scribes were the only people who knew how to read and write, and were enormously respected.  They were considered the heads of each village, and helped out in the daily governing.
Well, the scribe of one of the villages had grown quite old, and was too tired to help every day. He got himself a helper, who functioned just like a substitute teacher in schools. Whenever the scribe was too worn out to be of use, he would send a message with his granddaughter, and the sub would do the tasks of the day.
The sub loved his job. Every morning he would sit by his window and try to listen and see if he would be given the tasks for the day. He was a hard-worker, and was pleased when the scribe gave him more and more important tasks to do. He dreamed of taking over position as head scribe one day, and serving his people.
However, there was one task the sub was dreading. Every year after the harvest the villagers would gather for a feast, and the centerpiece was always a massive pie. It was considered a very holy pie, for it was full of shit. The scribe’s shit.
Yes, once a year the scribe would shit in a pie, and it would be devoured by the village people. They felt this was the way to absorb all the knowledge amassed by the scribe.
The sub was terrified of doing this. What if he couldn’t shit enough to fill a full pie? What if nothing came out at all? As his tasks grew more and more complex, he knew that the inevitable was soon to be upon him.
The day of the festival came, and the sub sat by his window, trembling all over. Then he heard the scribe say those cursed words, the words he had been dreading for years:
“Sub-scribe to poo the pie.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atk3vv/a_long_time_ago_every_village_used_to_have_its/
%
My wife and I are so cute, we're always finishing each other's...

Honey get the fuck off Reddit and do the goddamn dishes already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atk3i1/my_wife_and_i_are_so_cute_were_always_finishing/
%
Your momma is so fat..

That she really needs to make an immediate lifestyle change. Heart disease is the number one killer in America. There is no better time than now to make a change before it’s too late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atk3f9/your_momma_is_so_fat/
%
Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell you he was vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atk2vf/why_did_the_vegan_cross_the_road/
%
The saying "say no to drugs" has always made me laugh.

If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atk29a/the_saying_say_no_to_drugs_has_always_made_me/
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A few days after Christms, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her yoing son playing with his new train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atk0q1/a_few_days_after_christms_a_mother_was_working_in/
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Did you know there will only be 7 planets tomorrow?

Because *I'm going* to *destroy* Uranus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atjuse/did_you_know_there_will_only_be_7_planets_tomorrow/
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I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I just don’t know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atjs6y/im_super_friendly_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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The difference between Oo and oO

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.
"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?
""Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
""Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like this: \*O o\*.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: \*o O\*.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison.................."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atjm9p/the_difference_between_oo_and_oo/
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I finished writing a book about clocks 5 years ago but only just managed to publish it last week.

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atjjsg/i_finished_writing_a_book_about_clocks_5_years/
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Three workers were having lunch on a bridge

They were each discussing what they had for lunch. Sam had a ham and cheese sandwich: “Man if my wife packs ham and cheese one more time this week I am jumping off this bridge. Tony had roast beef: “Me too man, I’m sick of roast beef. If I get this one more time this month I’m jumping off.” Carl had meatballs. “Cripes, I’m sick of meatballs. If I get this one more time I’m jumping too.”
The next day the workers were eating lunch again. Sam unpacks his and is happy to see a tuna sandwich. Tony, also is excited to see a turkey sandwich. Carl unpacks a meatball sub, cries in dismay, and leaps from the bridge to his death.
“Oh my god!!!” yells Sam. “What was he thinking?”
“I know, he packs his own lunch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atjfx5/three_workers_were_having_lunch_on_a_bridge/
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A logger and fisherman are sitting in a bar.

A logger and fisherman are sitting in a bar at the airport when the logger says, "I fall timber, the most dangerous job in the world.  I'm a faller, I'm a bucker, I'm a mean motherfucker."  Then the fisherman says, "I'm an Alaska king crabber which is the second most dangerous job in the world. We're so tough we use navy seals as bait."  About that time some guy comes staggering up to them, "Oh yeah, well I've got the third most dangerous job in the world and I'm taking you both with me when I go."   The logger and fisherman skeptically look this fella and ask, "Who the hell are you?"  The guy slurs, "I'm your pilot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atjbaa/a_logger_and_fisherman_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
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Why does Hitler hate Nascar?

It reminds him that he never got to finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atj5gz/why_does_hitler_hate_nascar/
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I was going to post a joke about Sodium, but...

...I was like Na, nobody would understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atj4aa/i_was_going_to_post_a_joke_about_sodium_but/
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A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atitk2/a_father_passing_by_his_sons_bedroom_was/
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What do you do with a 6ft Ahole?

I man was late for work and speeding to his job. He came over the hill of a bridge and found himself in a speed trap. The cop pulls him over and walks up to his car.
Cop: sir why were you speeding?
Man: I'm late for work
Cop: what do you do that's so important you think you can speed?
Man: I'm an a**hole stretcher
Cop: "looking confused" what's an a**hole stretcher.
Man: I stretch a**holes
Cop: what, how??
Man: well you start with one thumb then two then your fist then two fist then you put in the machine and before you know it you got a 6ft a**hole.
Cop: WTH you do with a 6ft a**hole?
Man: you give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atirze/what_do_you_do_with_a_6ft_ahole/
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Another stutterer

A guy with a terrible stutter goes to the doctor. The doctor examines him, and says, "I\`m afraid the problem is your large penis. It requires such an enormous blood supply, not enough blood is reaching the speech center in your brain."
"W-w-well, what c-c-can I d-d-do?" asks the guy.
"We can do a penis reduction," says the doctor.
"C-c-can you do that?"
"Sure," says, the doctor. "Reduction, addition, we can do it all nowadays."
And the guys says, "I-I-I\`ll have to th-th-think about it."
A week goes by, and the guy just can\`t stand the stuttering any longer. So he returns to the doctor and asks for the reduction.
The surgery goes great, the guy wakes up, and sure enough, his stutter is gone!
After a couple of weeks with his normal-sized Johnson, however, the guy has second thoughts. So he returns to the doctor.
"Doc," he says. "Don\`t think I\`m ungrateful. You solved my stuttering problem, just like you said you would. However, I really miss my penis. You said you can do additions. I\`d like you to put the rest of my penis back on."
And the doctor says, "F-F-Fuck you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atir54/another_stutterer/
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Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.

Pun in, ten dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atipbp/pun_enters_a_bar_bloody_fight_ensues_ten_people/
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I like my vehicles just like my violence

Domestic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atins6/i_like_my_vehicles_just_like_my_violence/
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A man was going to kill a cockroach

Man: Any last words?
Cockroach: You're just jealous of me.
Man: Why would I be jealous of you?!
Cockroach: Because I can make your wife scream louder than you can!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atilr4/a_man_was_going_to_kill_a_cockroach/
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A frog found itself on this sub....

Reddit...
Reddit...
Reddit...
Reddit...
Reddit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atiku0/a_frog_found_itself_on_this_sub/
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Autocorrect is embarrassing

Just text my pal asking if he wanted to go for a wank down the river!
I meant the canal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atijv7/autocorrect_is_embarrassing/
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Three women are drinking at a bar.

As the night goes on, they begin talking about how loose their vaginas are.
The first woman boasts that her lover can fit his entire fist in.
The second woman says "That's nothing, my husband was able to fit both of his fists in!"
The third woman laughs, finishes her drink, and slides down the barstool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atijft/three_women_are_drinking_at_a_bar/
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An American, a German and a priest are at an orphanage.

Suddenly there is a fire. Flames are everywhere.
The German says: Comon ihr Dumpfbacken. I can not see. But we have to save all ze children. Lets goooo.
The American: No way mr. Sauerkraut. Let's get the hell outa here. Fuck all the children.
The priest is looking surprised for a second, then says: Okay. I agree. But do we really have enough time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atij2y/an_american_a_german_and_a_priest_are_at_an/
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I'm writing a Bollywood take on a spy movie, about a taxi driver who's really an undercover agent.

His catchphrase is, "the name's Shaw - Rick Shaw".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atieyg/im_writing_a_bollywood_take_on_a_spy_movie_about/
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You know what they say about the song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

The urge to sing is just a whim away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atide1/you_know_what_they_say_about_the_song_the_lion/
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The Earth-Moon joke.

I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atibdh/the_earthmoon_joke/
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Driving in real life is just like Mariokart, and pedestrians are mystery cubes

The surprise is 25 to life though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ati46o/driving_in_real_life_is_just_like_mariokart_and/
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A blind man walks into a bar

And a chair,and a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ati2tl/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I'm from Jamaica and if I got a dollar every time someone asked me if I smoked weed.

I'd have enough to buy a $50 bag every time I run out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ati27t/im_from_jamaica_and_if_i_got_a_dollar_every_time/
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Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys...

You know he's really beating himself up right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/athz9y/please_be_kind_to_jussie_smollett_guys/
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My stable broke because I rushed when I was building it.

Guess I should hold my horses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/athyrt/my_stable_broke_because_i_rushed_when_i_was/
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Whats got 100 Legs and no teeth?

The front row at a Barry Manilow concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/athvo5/whats_got_100_legs_and_no_teeth/
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A blonde goes into work

one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/athvai/a_blonde_goes_into_work/
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My wife told me that I was incapable of describing my feelings.

I don't know how to feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/athuqc/my_wife_told_me_that_i_was_incapable_of/
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I seem to be one of the few people that understand anti-vaxxers completely...

I also don't like kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/athtqc/i_seem_to_be_one_of_the_few_people_that/
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Where’s the best place to hide a body?

Page 2 of Google Search results.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/athtkl/wheres_the_best_place_to_hide_a_body/
%
A man is smoking two cigarettes at a park

Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"
He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison."
Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away.
A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he's only smoking one cigarette.
Excited, he goes up to the man and asks, "Did your brother get out of prison? You are only smoking one cigarette."
He replies: "No, I quit smoking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/athsm9/a_man_is_smoking_two_cigarettes_at_a_park/
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Can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?

Ass skin for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/athq4f/can_you_give_someone_a_skin_graft_from_your_butt/
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I'm a girl from Amsterdam and if I got a euro every time someone asked to have sex with me

I wouldn't have to work at the Red Light District

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/athpu8/im_a_girl_from_amsterdam_and_if_i_got_a_euro/
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What's the difference between a oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/athmga/whats_the_difference_between_a_oral_thermometer/
%
What’s the difference between a bad archer and a constipated owl?

...One can shoot but can’t hit, while the other can hoot but can’t shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/athits/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_archer_and_a/
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If I had a dollar for everytime a woman found me unattractive...

...I wouldn't be unattractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/athfx0/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_everytime_a_woman_found_me/
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What’s the difference between a double D lobster and a 50 year old bus depot?

...One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/athdc1/whats_the_difference_between_a_double_d_lobster/
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What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?

Opinions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ath08b/what_starts_with_an_o_and_ends_with_nions_and/
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I was late to my first Fight Club meeting so unfortunately I missed some of the rules

But I still had a really awesome time and I can't wait to share my experience with everyone on Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atgvnq/i_was_late_to_my_first_fight_club_meeting_so/
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I am extremely proud of my son who chose a career in organised crime

He became the prime minister of the country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atgutf/i_am_extremely_proud_of_my_son_who_chose_a_career/
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John invited a girl over for a date...

John invited a girl over for a date. They had a nice time at the restaurant, but as they head to John's house, she doesn't seem very interested in sex.
As they get home, John asks, "Can we have sex?".
The girl says, "No. I'm saving my virginity to marriage."
John frowns. "Want to see my clock, then?" The girl agrees.
John immediately drops his pants and underwear. The girl was shocked.
"That's not a clock!" she said nervously.
John replied, "Not yet, but maybe if you put two hands and a face on it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atgntq/john_invited_a_girl_over_for_a_date/
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I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atgng3/i_was_applying_for_australian_citizenship_and_the/
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A vietnamese contract killer named Pung burst into a bar and promptly murdered the 10 people inside.

Pung in, ten dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atgmfq/a_vietnamese_contract_killer_named_pung_burst/
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I met a girl with one leg shorter than the other.

I asked her name.
She said ”Ailene”.
I replied ”I can see that, but I asked for your name.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atglru/i_met_a_girl_with_one_leg_shorter_than_the_other/
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What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A-mean-o-acid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atgljf/what_do_you_call_an_acid_with_an_attitude/
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Knock knock

“Knock Knock!”
“Who’s there?”
“It’s Dave!”
“Dave who?”
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother’s Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atgkgk/knock_knock/
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I'll always remember my grandfather's last words,

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atgi9i/ill_always_remember_my_grandfathers_last_words/
%
Cops raided my home and found some marijuana shrubs in my greenhouse. They asked me how it got there

I told them they were clearly planted there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atggi6/cops_raided_my_home_and_found_some_marijuana/
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A priest goes the mechanic....

He tells the mechanic "hey,I just brought in my car last week ,and since you guys worked on it it's been leaking all over the garage .the mechanic says "my apologies father.come back tomorrow we'll have it tip top for you."
The priest returns the next day and asks,"well, how is it?".
The mechanic says"we found the issue .it was a loose oil filter,and it won't be leaking again because I screwed it in tighter than a nun's cunt.
Solemnly the priest looks the mechanic dead in the eye and says " better give another quarter turn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atgfv4/a_priest_goes_the_mechanic/
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I can quit gambling anytime

I made a bet with my friends about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atgehc/i_can_quit_gambling_anytime/
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A man escapes from prison where he's been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife:
"Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed your neck, he probably hasn't seen a woman in years, if he wants sex give to him, don't resist, don't complain, just go with it no matter how sick It makes you. He's probably dangerous, if he gets mad he will most likely kill us. Honey, I love you, be strong.
To which the wife responds: "Oooh, honey, no? He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He said you looked very cute and asked if we had any vasoline. I told him yeah in the restroom. Give him what he wants, honey be strong i love you too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atgcto/a_man_escapes_from_prison_where_hes_been_for_15/
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Jealous husband

: "My wife where are you?"
Wife: "At home love."
Husband: "Are you sure?"
Wife: "Yes"
Husband: "Turn on the blender."
Wife: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee
Husband: "Ok my love goodbye."
Another day, Jealous husband: "My wife where are you?"
Wife: "At home love."
Husband: "Are you sure?"
Wife: "Yes"
Husband: "Turn on the blender."
Wife: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee
Husband: "Ok my love goodbye."
The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice, finds his son alone and asks him "Son, where is your mother?"
Son: "I don't know, she went out with the blender….."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atgbss/jealous_husband/
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I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand.

It's  seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atgamm/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_to/
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I relabeled all the jars in my mom's spice rack

I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atga7k/i_relabeled_all_the_jars_in_my_moms_spice_rack/
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I know a pair of Chinese-American Twins

One of them, Ving, is a childhood friend of mine. I'm not particularly close with his sister, Ling, but we get along.
One day, Ving tells me he wants to change his name to "Lee". He thinks it'll help him fit in more, as it's a more American name. Ling, who's proud of her heritage and traditional to a fault, is vehemently against this, and tries everything she can think of to talk him out of it. Ving won't be moved, and asks me to drive him to city hall so he can take care of the process. Always supportive, I agree, and Ling decides to go along as well, hoping to get one last shot at talking him out of abandoning their roots.
We get to city hall, and Ling's still trying, practically pleading with Ving to reconsider. He won't give up, and remains adamant all the way to the front of the line. He gets the proper paperwork from the receptionist, and starts filling it out. In a last ditch effort, Ling asks her brother "What would our father think?"
Something in that strikes a cord with Ving, and he relents, saying he'll keep his birthname. He returns the paperwork to the receptionist, who tells him there's a $20 fee for cancelling the process. Ling is so ecstatic she offers to pay the fee for him, pulling out her wallet.
The look of disappointment on my close friend's face just breaks my heart, and I call out to the two of them:
"Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving! Hold on to that fee, Ling!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atg6r9/i_know_a_pair_of_chineseamerican_twins/
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It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts!

I love you refrigerator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atg0i3/it_doesnt_matter_if_youre_black_white_old_young/
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My parrot died today.

Its last words were "Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atftll/my_parrot_died_today/
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Who's the roundest knight at King Arthur's court?

Circumference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atftet/whos_the_roundest_knight_at_king_arthurs_court/
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Sam walks into his boss’s office.

“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to  respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
“By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”
“The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atfm4m/sam_walks_into_his_bosss_office/
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The impossible wish

A guy saves a frog from a forest fire. The frog turns out to be a magical frog, and is very grateful to the man for having saved its life. So the frog offers to grant him three wishes. The man says, “Great. So I want:   1. Lifelong access to any cinema,   2. I want to be 10 years younger and   3. I want a highway that goes straight from here to Hawaii.   “I’m happy to help you but the third wish is really difficult. You'll have to wish for something else instead of that third wish,” says the frog.   “OK,” agrees the man reluctantly, “in that case I’d like to finally understand women.” - The frog looks at him for a while: “And should the highway be a three-lane or a four-lane one?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atfh87/the_impossible_wish/
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Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atf6ic/im_from_colombia_and_if_i_got_a_dollar_everytime/
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Who is CRISPR's favorite actor?

Gene Hackman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atf4mp/who_is_crisprs_favorite_actor/
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My wife laughed at me when I announced I was building a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atf2tb/my_wife_laughed_at_me_when_i_announced_i_was/
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My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We've been trying for three years now.

I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atexuk/my_hot_as_hell_lesbian_neigbors_asked_me_to_be_to/
%
Both my grandparents were midgets

They struggled to put food on the table their whole lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atervb/both_my_grandparents_were_midgets/
%
What's a Nazi's favorite letter?

I'm actually not quite sure, but it's definitely not 'z'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aterf1/whats_a_nazis_favorite_letter/
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Ive always wanted to teach myself how to procrastinate.

Just never got around to learning it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ater8b/ive_always_wanted_to_teach_myself_how_to/
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I'm not having sex for the next seven days.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atek49/im_not_having_sex_for_the_next_seven_days/
%
There are 11 types of people

01- Those who understand binary
10- Those who don't
11- those who write bad jokes on binary
*I'll see myself out*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ateimm/there_are_11_types_of_people/
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A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said,

"I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he was finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself, did you?" And his wife replied, "No, no. I'll be okay once I can get this old doorknob out of my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atebbp/a_couple_were_in_the_bathroom_getting_ready_for/
%
Why couldn’t Princess Leia find love?

She was looking in Alderaan places...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ate53k/why_couldnt_princess_leia_find_love/
%
Why can’t atheist solve exponential equations?

Because they don’t believe in a higher power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ate3bg/why_cant_atheist_solve_exponential_equations/
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Mexicans were asked what they thought of Trump's border wall. They replied, "we're very upset...

...but we'll get over it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atdz91/mexicans_were_asked_what_they_thought_of_trumps/
%
What do you call 2 sodium atoms in the ocean?

tuNa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atduvb/what_do_you_call_2_sodium_atoms_in_the_ocean/
%
I got drunk and told my arab neighbor’s wife her cooking tastes like shit

I really falafel about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atdu1x/i_got_drunk_and_told_my_arab_neighbors_wife_her/
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Donald Trump better not remove Justice Ginsberg from the supreme court.

that would be ruthless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atdms5/donald_trump_better_not_remove_justice_ginsberg/
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Hindsight

A husband and wife were living in Colorado. He enjoyed outdoor activities and loved going snow skiing in the wintertime. She was a bit of a homebody and preferred a quiet afternoon with a book.
One weekend in February, after a few hours of pleading, the husband convinced his wife to drive up to the mountain and go skiing with him. They loaded up the car and made their way up. When they reached the slopes, the wife had a little trouble getting going, as she'd never been skiing before. After a few runs on the bunny hill, they went up the main chairlift to try some of the bigger runs.
It was a clear day, and the mountain landscape was so beautiful that the wife was really enjoying herself. The two were having a lovely time, going back up the main chairlift and the upper chairlifts several times to even try out a couple of the tougher, steeper slopes.
It was after they'd gotten off the highest chairlift that the wife suddenly realized she desperately needed to pee. The lodge was quite a bit of skiing away down the mountain, and so her husband suggested that she go into a group of huge evergreens to the side of the chairlift to relieve herself.
"All right," the wife said, and skied cautiously into the trees while her husband waited for her to do her business.
She was just barely holding it in now, and as soon as she was out of sight she crouched, dropped her snow pants and went, not stopping to remove her boots from her skis.
She suddenly realized that she'd forgotten to angle her skis sideways and was now sliding backwards.
The woman panicked and tried to grab onto a nearby tree, but lost her balance and tangled her skis, sending her careening out of the trees and out onto the slope, gaining speed down the hill, directly underneath the chairlift.
"Help!" she screamed as she struggled to cover up the essentials while she sped backwards. Her husband was up the hill, and hurried to help, but he was too late.
The woman dug into the snow with her arms, but her efforts were in vain. Her run came to an end when she finally ran into a tree on the other side of the slope and came to a halt, hideously breaking her arm in the process.
Several hours later, after ski patrol had gotten her off the mountain and to the nearest hospital, she was sitting in a bed with a cast and various bandages when another patient was rolled in next to her. He had nasty comminuted fractures in both legs and could hardly move, but he was cheery and talkative despite his injury.
They chatted for a few minutes before the woman asked;
"So how did you break your legs?"
"Well," the man said, "It was the strangest thing! See, I went skiing this afternoon, riding the chairlift up, and suddenly I look down and see this woman come flying out of the trees backwards, with her pants down! I was shocked, and I started laughing uncontrollably. I didn't mean to, but it was so ridiculous. I couldn't stop and lost my balance just as the lift swayed, and I fell off the lift! It was awful. My left leg fractured in three places, and my right in five, but I would've taken that rather than be the person who slid out with their pants down!"
The man shook his head, still in disbelief at what he'd seen, before asking;
"So, how'd you break your arm?"
(I remember my grandmother telling me this several years back. She had read it in a newspaper and saved it, so my apologies if it's been posted here before. I did my best to re-create the story.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atdmpl/hindsight/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atdkx1/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
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A friend of mine has a butler whose left arm is missing.

Serves him right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atdhdd/a_friend_of_mine_has_a_butler_whose_left_arm_is/
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Roses are red, Violets are glorious

Don't sneak up on,
Oscar Pristorius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atdfbc/roses_are_red_violets_are_glorious/
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2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"
The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atddh5/2_lawyers_are_in_a_restaurant_eating_their/
%
A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.” “OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?” “I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their intestines?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atdclp/a_mom_shark_is_teaching_her_son_how_to_hunt/
%
A famous pirate ship was docking in a free port...

Because the captain needs to find a wood workshop to fix his ship.He finally found one,and upon entering it,he saw a skilled apprentice.When asked to repair the ship,the apprentice was eager to join the crew,but the captain didn't want to let him in as there were enough crewmembers.So the captain said:
"Fix my ship fences for free and i might let you aboard"
The apprentice agreed.So for an entire week,he fixed the fences with only the best wood on the island and smooth it to perfection.The captain,after having seen the entire process,admired the young apprentice for his determination and though to himself:
"Damm,just look at the amount of reposts he has done just to get upboat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atdabu/a_famous_pirate_ship_was_docking_in_a_free_port/
%
Why did all the MARVEL Netflix shows disappear?

SNAP!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atda81/why_did_all_the_marvel_netflix_shows_disappear/
%
Jesus loves you

A good thing to hear in a church, a truly terrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atd76t/jesus_loves_you/
%
My girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh and..

When I put my ear up to it I can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atd4c6/my_girlfriend_has_a_tattoo_of_a_seashell_on_her/
%
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a Nickel for every time i told a funny joke...

I would be Nickeless Cage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atd24a/hi_my_name_is_cage_and_if_i_had_a_nickel_for/
%
You can get shoes like Zion Williamson's for cheap.

Nike is having a blowout sale!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atcxr1/you_can_get_shoes_like_zion_williamsons_for_cheap/
%
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?

Guardians of the galaxies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atcvfs/what_do_you_call_the_security_guards_at_the/
%
I met an Italian with parkinson's.

He talked with a stutter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atcv7a/i_met_an_italian_with_parkinsons/
%
My advice to Jussie Smollett is everyone makes mistakes...

Don’t beat yourself up over it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atcroc/my_advice_to_jussie_smollett_is_everyone_makes/
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How can you tell when a surfer dude just broke up with his girlfriend?

He's homeless now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atcmvf/how_can_you_tell_when_a_surfer_dude_just_broke_up/
%
Did you hear scientists have proved that diarrhea is genetic?

Apparently it runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atck4b/did_you_hear_scientists_have_proved_that_diarrhea/
%
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to move to northern Canada with me.

She was having Nunavut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atcffn/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_she_wanted_to_move_to/
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What's the differemce between a bonus and a boner?

You don't need to ask your wife to blow your bonus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atcf7t/whats_the_differemce_between_a_bonus_and_a_boner/
%
My grandfather, a Vietnam veteran,hooked up with a Viet girl a few years after the war.

He told me the story of how they met at a bar, and how he took her home that night, and how he began having PTSD flashbacks as soon as she undressed.
"Why's that?" I asked him.
"It was just like the war," he said. "I couldn't see the Vietnamese in all the bush."
\----
Before you get on your high horse and call me racist or whatever, I'm Vietnamese and have a grandpa who served in Vietnam alongside other Americans. So calm your tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atcdhc/my_grandfather_a_vietnam_veteranhooked_up_with_a/
%
What do you do when someone has an epileptic seizure in your bathtub?

Throw in the laundry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atc59d/what_do_you_do_when_someone_has_an_epileptic/
%
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.

One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each.
Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female.
Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.
Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well.
Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.
Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world.
Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rides off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atc0fk/mr_bear_and_mr_rabbit_live_in_the_same_forest_but/
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Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.
The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students.  They'll need to go back to school anyhow.
After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will do most of the heavy lifting in the back store room, and a young pretty girl named Melonie to work the till and some light sales.
They work out extremely well, the summer is busy to begin with but as it starts to come to an end the weather turns sour and the store sales go down significantly, with the lack of tourists.
Needing to alleviate the lack of he revenue he knows he has to get rid of one of his new employees, but likes them both and is reluctant to make a choice.
Melonie is moving some boxes so he decides to pose the dilemma to her - maybe one of them wants to go willingly.
"Melonie" he says, "I have a bit of an issue that I need your help to decide which way to go - I either have to lay you or Jack off."
She continues to move the box in her hand and replies "Could you jack off?  I have a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atbzc9/hard_decisions/
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If I had a dollar for every funny joke on this sub...

...I'd have a nickel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atbnmw/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_funny_joke_on_this_sub/
%
Did you hear about the mechanic who slept with my wife?

He nuts and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atbm65/did_you_hear_about_the_mechanic_who_slept_with_my/
%
Anything you say, dear!

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops, and I found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it okay if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atbg6w/anything_you_say_dear/
%
What’s green and smells like ham?

Kermit the Frog’s middle finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atbfse/whats_green_and_smells_like_ham/
%
Does Santa have a problem with premature ejaculation?

I keep hearing about how sometimes he comes early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atbf1y/does_santa_have_a_problem_with_premature/
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I just heard Peter Tork of the Monkees passed away...

I'm a bereaver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atbbdj/i_just_heard_peter_tork_of_the_monkees_passed_away/
%
What has more brains than Osama Bin Laden?

The wall behind him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atbb1u/what_has_more_brains_than_osama_bin_laden/
%
Dear Jussie Smollett, we all make mistakes.

Don’t beat yourself up over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atb92b/dear_jussie_smollett_we_all_make_mistakes/
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You guys, be kind to Jussie Smollett...

You know that he’s really beating himself up right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atb6sc/you_guys_be_kind_to_jussie_smollett/
%
A good advice to avoid click bait

Better luck next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atb4t9/a_good_advice_to_avoid_click_bait/
%
A buff man with a orange-sized head..

A well built man with a head the size of an orange walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender quite shocked inquires “do you mind me asking about the size of your ahead?”. “Sure..” he acquiescently replies.
“Not long ago I was lost in some woods. I don’t know how I got there. As I was trying to find my way I could here someone calling. I looked around and it was a frog. ‘Help me! Kiss me and I will turn into a princess who will grant you 3 wishes’. Feeling lost I kissed it out of desperation.
To my surprise POOF.. I stood before a beautiful princess. ‘So, what’s your first wish?’ I didn’t take me long to think; I was a scrawny 100lbs greasy kid.
I want to be tall, handsome and strong!
POOF.. done
‘And your next wish?’
I’ve never made love to a woman do you.. ‘say no more..’
She jumped on me and we fell to the ground and made love for hours. It was the best moment of my life.
As we were cuddled up she whispered in my ear ‘you know, you still have one more wish?’
How about a little head?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atb0l2/a_buff_man_with_a_orangesized_head/
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Dammit

Three men were riding a golf cart and it crashed, killing them all. When they got to the gates of heaven, Peter said: "I have to ask you all a question before you go in. "
So he asks the first guy: "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
He replied: "No, I have been a good and faithful husband and never cheated."
Peter said: "Excellent, you get a nice mansion with tons of cars and money. "
He asked the second guy: "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
The guy replied: "Yes, but only once."
Peter said: "You get a nice house with good cars and a good amount of money."
He asked the third guy: "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
The man replied: "Yes, I cheated on her twice. "
Peter said: "You get a studio apartment with a Honda and little money. "
The three guys meet up the next day, and the first guy is crying. The other two ask him: "Dude, what's wrong? You have all the good stuff!"
He replied with: "I just saw my wife, and she was riding a skateboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ataxgk/dammit/
%
What do you call your electrical engineer brother who got a sex change?

Transistor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atauqf/what_do_you_call_your_electrical_engineer_brother/
%
A doctor is making his rounds around the hospital and stops to talk to the head nurse.

The nurse says, "By the way, Doctor, do you know there's a thermometer behind your ear?"
"Great," said the doctor. "Some asshole has my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ataupa/a_doctor_is_making_his_rounds_around_the_hospital/
%
The man that made spell check died today

May he rust in piss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atarff/the_man_that_made_spell_check_died_today/
%
What did the British whore say to the American chap when he tried to pay her in $$?

This is £ town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atapkm/what_did_the_british_whore_say_to_the_american/
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A parrot accidentally takes some of his owners viagra

To help the parrot cool it off some, he decides to thrown the parrot into the fridge for a while.
After about 10 minutes the owner opens the fridge and sees his parrot sweating like crazy and asks the parrot “it’s cold in there how in the world are you sweating?”  to which the parrot says “you think I could look at those chicken thighs and not do anything about it!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atao86/a_parrot_accidentally_takes_some_of_his_owners/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atak1b/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
Two cannibals are having dinner together

The man says “I really hate my mother in law” The woman says “Then try the patatoes”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ataigm/two_cannibals_are_having_dinner_together/
%
Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day.

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/atahrm/give_a_nigerian_a_fish_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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My earliest childhood memory is going to the eye doctor when I was 8.

Life before that is a blur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ataddk/my_earliest_childhood_memory_is_going_to_the_eye/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees a tiny man playing a tiny piano.

He says to the bartender “how did this happen?”
The bartender responds by saying that there is a genie in the back room that will grant you any one wish, and that the man is welcome to go and take a look.
The man goes to the back room and to his surprise sees that there is, in fact, a genie ready and willing to grant him a wish.
“Wow! I wish for a million bucks!”
“It is done. You wish has been granted and is waiting for you outside of the bar.” The genie says.
The man runs outside expecting a mountain of cash and instead sees one million ducks waiting for him outside. There are ducks everywhere. The man storms back inside to confront the bartender.
“Excuse me, but I’m pretty pissed off here! I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks! I think your genie might be a little hard of hearing!”
“Tell me about it” says the bartender. “Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ataa2v/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_tiny_man/
%
A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City...

He entered the store with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ata7bf/a_japanese_man_walked_into_the_currency_exchange/
%
The other day, I was telling my brother a joke.

Once I finish, I say, "That was a knee slapper, wasn't it?" He goes, "Yes, but I'm sure I can make a better one."
The next day, he calls me out to the backyard to show me something. I come outside to see my brother driving a remote-controlled toy car around my daughter. I ask him, "What are you doing?" He replies, "I've made a niece lapper!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ata6s8/the_other_day_i_was_telling_my_brother_a_joke/
%
Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's candy...

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, because Jill's real name is Randy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ata6k0/jack_and_jill_went_up_the_hill_so_jack_could_lick/
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A spill

While doing a lab experiment I was listening to music by a band who's bassist was a known drug abuser. During his solo, I slipped on some spilled vinegar & lost my grip on a beaker full of sodium hydroxide.
Looks like while he was tripping on acid dropping the bass, I was tripping on acid dropping the base

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at9x1m/a_spill/
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As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at9vdq/as_a_person_who_has_owned_over_50_dogs_in_their/
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What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus

You have to beg you wife to blow your boner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at9vby/whats_the_difference_between_a_boner_and_a_bonus/
%
My friend got mugged yesterday

He had to call the cups

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at9uvp/my_friend_got_mugged_yesterday/
%
My son hates being in pirate school.

I don't blame him, his report card always has seven seas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at9o00/my_son_hates_being_in_pirate_school/
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Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire.  His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's.  To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.
Jerry walks in.  "Damn, he's burnt to a crisp," Jerry says, "Flip him over."  Confused at first, but the mortician decides to go along with it.  He examines the body's burnt backside and shakes his head.  "That ain't him," Jerry says.  The mortician stood there confused as Jerry left.  Not trusting Jerry's evaluation, the mortician calls Pat's other close friend named Terry in to help him.
Terry walks in.  "That's a damn shame right there," Terry says with disgust.  "Flip em over."  The mortician is very confused at this point, but decides to play along.  Terry gets a good look, before saying, "Nah, that's not him."
"How can you tell?" asks the mortician.
"Well you see, Pat had two assholes," Terry replied.
"What?"
"Yeah, whenever Pat, Jerry and I went out people would say: 'Oh look, here comes Pat with them two assholes.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at9lyu/jerry_and_terry_need_to_identify_pats_body_in_the/
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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast...

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you and I will make it very fast.  I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.  Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undress himself."  So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at9jbz/a_boss_said_to_his_secretary_i_want_to_have_sex/
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Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?

It runs in the jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at9f3j/did_you_know_that_diarrhea_is_genetic/
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What do you call a spinning potato?

A rotato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at9eb4/what_do_you_call_a_spinning_potato/
%
An old woman was watching the news while waiting for her husband to return from the Elk's club

A breaking news story came on about a car driving the wrong away on the interstate.
Being worked for her husband's safety she called him.
"Bill I hope I haven't caught you too late," she said. "The news is reporting a car driving the wrong way down the interstate you use to come home. You should take a different route"
"I really wish you had called earlier Helen," he replied, "but that news caster should be fired, there isn't one car going the wrong way there's hundreds of these fuckers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at9bhv/an_old_woman_was_watching_the_news_while_waiting/
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Whats the difference between a blind sniper and a constipated owl

One shoots and cant hit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at97fx/whats_the_difference_between_a_blind_sniper_and_a/
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A man had been in jail for robbing a bank for many years now...

The police still haven't located the stolen money.  One day his wife sent a letter to him asking, "I want to plant a garden in the backyard, should I do so?"  The man, knowing that every letter sent in and out had been read, wrote back "No don't do it in the backyard, that's where my loot is hidden!"  A week later his wife send him a letter back saying, "A bunch of police officers came to our house, they dug up the entire backyard!?  To which the man responded, "Now plant your garden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at91vd/a_man_had_been_in_jail_for_robbing_a_bank_for/
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Name your kid Allah Akbar

Then lose him in the mall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at90vl/name_your_kid_allah_akbar/
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Me: “Do you shower after sex?”

Coworker: “Yes.”
Me: “Then you should get laid more often.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at8yqa/me_do_you_shower_after_sex/
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A boy complains to his father

“Dad, you told me to put a cucumber in my swimming shorts to impress the girls at the pool, but you forgot to tell me something!”
“Really, What was that?”, said the father
“The cucumber was supposed to go in the front”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at8x76/a_boy_complains_to_his_father/
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When you begin to Excel,

People will spreadsheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at8wzs/when_you_begin_to_excel/
%
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner...

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house--there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?
"He certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his ass and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. Reached over and yanked. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he yanked a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's ass hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but please stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at8ntb/charlie_was_visiting_an_old_friend_and_his_wife/
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“Daddy, why are you so fat?”

“Well, honey, being smart, handsome, rich, talented, AND thin just wouldn’t be fair, now would it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at8l78/daddy_why_are_you_so_fat/
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My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.

She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at8kvr/my_wife_wants_to_leave_me_she_says_i_care_more/
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Memory Problems

An old husband and his wife were sitting in a doctor’s office to get help for their failing memory. “Maybe you should each do something special for for the other and then talk about it. That way, it will help cement it better in your minds.” The old couple thanked the doctor and went home.
When they got home, the old man got an idea. “Are you hungry?”, he asked his wife. “Tell me what you want and I’ll make it for you.”
His old wife thought about it for a while and finally said, “I’ll have a bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce, whipped cream and nuts.”
The old husband nodded and went into the kitchen and after a little while came out with a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon and hash browns. “Here you go, dear.”
She took the plate, glancing over it with irritation, she looked up at him and said, “I also asked for toast.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at8imi/memory_problems/
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Why did The White Stripes chose that name?

Because calling themselves Cocaine Lines was too on the nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at8dxh/why_did_the_white_stripes_chose_that_name/
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The stranded Chinese, American and Dutch

So a Chinese, an American and a Dutch are stranded on an island. The American takes responsibility and says: "We need things to survive so I would say that go fish, you Chinese guy get some suplies and the Dutch should get firewood for the night."
Like the American said, it happend. In the evening the American is waiting with the Dutch at the fire and after some time the Dutch askes the American: "Nou seg, where is the Chinese?" He wasn't done yet when the Chinese jumps out a bush screaming:
"SUPLISE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at8bsf/the_stranded_chinese_american_and_dutch/
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A teenager girl goes for confession and tells the preist that she's pregnant with the second coming.

Naturally, the priest is furious at the implied blasphemy.
"How dare you? That's blasphemy. Explain yourself. How do you know you're pregnant with the second coming?" he thundered.
I... I... I.. I swallowed the first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at8bii/a_teenager_girl_goes_for_confession_and_tells_the/
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A therapist who couldn’t pronounce his R’s correctly was recently fired for being a white supremacist.

Because he told his patients that everything was going “to be all white”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at8acw/a_therapist_who_couldnt_pronounce_his_rs/
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A little boy called Harry hangs out at the local shop.

The shop owner doesnt know why, but the other boys tease him. They say hes slow and to prove it they always give him the choice between a 5$ note and a 1$ note. He always takes the 1$ note because he likes the look more. The owner asks him one day why he always takes the 1$ to which he simply responds: If i took the 5$ one they would stop doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at89rl/a_little_boy_called_harry_hangs_out_at_the_local/
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If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on...

...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at85s3/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_i_didnt_know/
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How much money does a skunk have?

One scent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at834s/how_much_money_does_a_skunk_have/
%
I found this little baby eagle on the ground and it looked like it was sick.

I thought about taking it to the vet, but I didn't pick it up because it's ill eagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at81zc/i_found_this_little_baby_eagle_on_the_ground_and/
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Guy walks into a bar...

Find out more on the next episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at7xjv/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three Russian men are sitting together in a prisoner's car of a train headed to the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at7x8g/three_russian_men_are_sitting_together_in_a/
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My beautiful girlfriend had a twin sister that looked exactly like her. Went over to her house one night but I got confused...

And fucked her dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at7un9/my_beautiful_girlfriend_had_a_twin_sister_that/
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A man goes to hell and the devil greets him.

He takes him to a hallway which has three different doors and tells the man he'll have to choose one room to spend the rest of eternity in.
So he takes him to the first door and he opens it and sees everyone standing on their heads on wooden floors. The man thought that would be pretty terrible to spend the rest of eternity on his head on such a hard floor and asked the devil to show him the second door.
Everyone in the second room was standing on their heads on concrete. The man thought that was even worse to spend the rest of eternity on his head on an even harder floor.
Finally the devil takes him to the third door and in that room everyone is up to their knees in shit and drinking coffee. The man thought that was pretty bad, but at least they could drink coffee so he told the devil he chose the third room to spend the rest of eternity in. So the man, up to his knees in shit, drank coffee for a few minutes. Then the devil came back into the room and said "Coffee break is over. Back on your heads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at7ugu/a_man_goes_to_hell_and_the_devil_greets_him/
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

If you can't Helium or Curium then you Barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at7s0u/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
%
One dark night on a country road, two men are driving.

One dark night on a country road two men are driving. A blue car and a black car.
Suddenly a deer jumps out in front of the blue car and the drivers swerves to avoid it, hitting the black car head on.
The two drivers get out of their respective cars, shaken but otherwise unscathed.
"I can't believe we're both alive" said the black car driver. "I know, it's a miracle." replied the blue car driver.
The blue car driver walks to his trunk, pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels and says "we may as well celebrate being alive" and uncorks the bottle. He asks the black car driver "would you like some?"
The other driver nods appreciatively and take a swig.
The blue car driver then takes out his cell phone and calls the police "hello, police? Yes, a drunk driver just hit me on the country road and he's still got the bottle in his hand, send help quick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at78id/one_dark_night_on_a_country_road_two_men_are/
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A man applies for driving licence for the fifth time.

This man has already failed driving test 4 times. When he applied for the 5th time the examiner asked him the same old question you all read in the joke posted on this sub previously.
Examiner asked, "if you are going at the speed of 80 kmph and there is a mountain on one side of the road and ditch on the other side and there is a young boy and an old man standing on the road, what would you hit?"
The man said, “old man.”
Again, he failed this time too. Frustrated, he asked the examiner why he failed again.
Examiner angrily shouted, “what about the damn brakes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at72sy/a_man_applies_for_driving_licence_for_the_fifth/
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The Soviet Union made the best bread in the world.

People would stand in line for days to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at6zta/the_soviet_union_made_the_best_bread_in_the_world/
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The dentist asked me if I had sensitive toothpaste at home.

I told her toothpaste and I don't talk about our feelings.
(PS: This was the actual conversation I had with my dentist just last night!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at6y8v/the_dentist_asked_me_if_i_had_sensitive/
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Gianna, a beautiful woman, was in the midst of a love triangle with two best friends, Nathan and Joel

Obviously this caused tension between the besties, and as such also troubled Gianna - she liked each one equally.
So on the 11th of February, she spoke to the two lovestruck rivals and challenged them.
"On Valentine's Day, each of you will get me a card - no gift, only a card. The one who gets me the card I like the most, will become my lover."
Both the boys agreed to the challenge, but Joel was especially confident - he was quite artsy and a brilliant raconteur.
So using his last few dollars, he bought art supplies and got to work making the best card ever. He toiled through the deepest hours of the next two days until he made the best card ever: it was gorgeously decorated with the most beautiful poem.
On Valentine's morning, the boys both presented their cards to Gianna, who said she will send an individual letter by tomorrow morning telling them who is the victor.
Joel was up from the early morning on the 15th, finding Gianna's letter under the front door. The letter wasn't the good news he was expecting: Gianna had chosen Nathan.
Joel, sad and angry, confronted Gianna. Trying to control his rage, he burst into tears asking Gianna:
"Oh my dear Gianna, how I love you so, but did you not love how beautiful my card was?"
"It was indeed beautiful, Joel." Gianna replied.
"Was my poetry not good?" Joel sobbed.
"I loved the poem, Joel." Gianna replied.
"Well I know it was better than Nathan's card. I bet he didn't even have as many words on his than mine!" Exclaimed a now-irate Joel
"You're right Joel," Gianna replied. "In fact his only had two words - and they won me over."
Joel, in combined anger and intrigue, asked:
"WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE TWO WORDS ANYWAY?"
Gianna came up to his ear and whispered:
"American Express."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at6upu/gianna_a_beautiful_woman_was_in_the_midst_of_a/
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Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Because it's pointless
(I'll show myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at6pxi/why_shouldnt_you_write_with_a_broken_pencil/
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Why can’t dinosaurs clap?

Cause they’re dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at6jks/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
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I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...

“That’s just spam.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at6g9p/i_got_an_email_saying_at_google_earth_we_can_read/
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What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?

One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at6f1d/what_is_the_difference_between_a_unicorn_and_a/
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One day a man went on a business trip to Florida. He saw this hooker and he asked,

“How much for a hand
job?”
The hooker replied, “100 Bucks.”
The man said “100 Bucks, that’s a lot of got damn money.”
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said, “See that
Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs.”
So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had
ever had.
The next day he sees her and asks, “How much for a head
job?”
She said, “200 dollars.”
“200 dollars, that’s a lot of money.”
She pulled him to the side and said, “You see that yacht by the
pier, I paid for that yacht by giving head jobs.”
So he gives her the money, and gets the best head job of his life
On his last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says ,
“The hand job was good, the head job was great, how much for
the whole package.”
“1000 dollars.’
“1000 dollars that’s a lot of god damn money.”
So she pulled him to side and said, “You see that island, I could
afford that if I had a vagina.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at6egk/one_day_a_man_went_on_a_business_trip_to_florida/
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How do you stop a fight between two blind men?

Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at6e47/how_do_you_stop_a_fight_between_two_blind_men/
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Why don't they play poker in the zoo?

Too many cheetahs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at6crp/why_dont_they_play_poker_in_the_zoo/
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What do you call a snowman party?

A snowball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at6c02/what_do_you_call_a_snowman_party/
%
Why was the snowman sad?

Because he had a meltdown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at6ap8/why_was_the_snowman_sad/
%
What Do Women And KFC Boxes Have in Common?

Once you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put the bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at6a8k/what_do_women_and_kfc_boxes_have_in_common/
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I just got home from the psychiatrist and got some good and some bad news

The bad news: I got a bipolar disorder. And the good news: I got a
bipolar disorder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at6a8i/i_just_got_home_from_the_psychiatrist_and_got/
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Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl.

Boy: Who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at66x1/girl_one_of_my_exboyfriends_sounds_like_an_owl/
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Are you struggling with masturbation addiction?

Reach out to me and we'll beat it together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at63y1/are_you_struggling_with_masturbation_addiction/
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Can a crappy dinosaur joke get a laugh?

You bet Jurassican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at61lf/can_a_crappy_dinosaur_joke_get_a_laugh/
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I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at5zu7/im_currently_reading_this_really_captivating_book/
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In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.
The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they should be in charge.
The arsehole tried to say something at this point but was interrupted:
The ears said that they should be in charge because not even the eyes could look in all directions at once, whereas the ears were vigilant no matter which way the body was facing, and could even warn of danger when the eyes were shut.
The heart said this was all very well, but without the tireless work it did in bringing blood to all parts of the body neither the brain nor the eyes nor the ears would last half a minute, so the heart should be in charge.
Again the arsehole started to speak but was shouted down.
The stomach pointed out that it had to process food before the heart would have anything worth carrying around, so it ought to be in charge.
The hands said that they were the ones responsible for picking up whatever the brain decided on and the eyes saw, and without them the stomach would never get anything, so they should be in charge.
The legs commented that they were the ones actually responsible for taking the body from place to place, so they ought to be in charge.
The arsehole made a final attempt to put its case, but everyone else told it to piss off and shut the fuck up.
This upset the arsehole so it decided to go on strike and see how everyone else liked it. Pretty soon the brain was feeling faint, the eyes had spots before them, the ears were ringing, the heart was fluttering, the stomach was queasy, the hands were clammy and the legs were wobbly. They all asked the arsehole very politely to get back to work, but the arsehole said that they'd had their chance to be nice about it and there was no way it was going back to work unless it could be in charge. And while the other parts of the body tried to hold out, it soon became clear that unless the arsehole got its way things were going to just get worse and worse, so eventually there was nothing for it but to give in.
And from that day to this, whenever there is a body or organisation of any sort, there's always an arsehole in charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at5z7s/in_the_beginning_when_man_was_first_created_all/
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Our son is whining because we circumcised him...

like have some thicker skin dude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at5uw6/our_son_is_whining_because_we_circumcised_him/
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I asked my trainer at the gym if I could start shadow boxing.

He said, “Knock yourself out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at5tui/i_asked_my_trainer_at_the_gym_if_i_could_start/
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One fine day, the three billy goats...

One fine day, the three billy goats gruff went out for a walk. They took their usual path over the sweet grassy hills towards the river where they would cross the stone bridge and climb the mountain.
When they reached the bridge they were surprised to see the Troll waiting for them, standing in the path instead of his usual place under the bridge. "Stop right there!" the troll barked.
"What's going on?" asked the first billy goat gruff. "You're messing up the story!"
The troll gave them a hard stare. "Every time we do this you trip trap across my bridge, I end up in the river, and you leave the bridge a complete mess!" He motioned to a rubber mat just to the side of the path. "Wipe your feet before you cross."
The second billy goat gruff noticed that just past the mat was a massive stone pillar engraved with gilded runes. "That's new," he said in surprise. "What the hell is that?!"
"I'm sick of you deficating all over the bridge," the troll yelled indignantly.
"It's a shit post."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at5td8/one_fine_day_the_three_billy_goats/
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My mom told me that apparently loud music can kill you

She said something about death and me listening to too much loud music, but i couldn't quite hear her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at5tcf/my_mom_told_me_that_apparently_loud_music_can/
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What do you call someone who puts milk before cereal?

A cereal killer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at5s9r/what_do_you_call_someone_who_puts_milk_before/
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Peter and the Messiah were out for walk...

when Peter asks, “Master, why do you and your disciples not have nice things? You are the son of God. A king. Why don’t you buy something like a new boat, or a palace?”  The Master stops, puts his hand on Peter’s shoulder and says, “Jesus saves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at5qia/peter_and_the_messiah_were_out_for_walk/
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What did the corn say when it was being followed?

“I’m being stalked!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at5qd5/what_did_the_corn_say_when_it_was_being_followed/
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I told my wife, “Did you know that our next door neighbor had half his intestines removed?”

Her: Really? Is he in a coma?
Me: No. A semi colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at5pj5/i_told_my_wife_did_you_know_that_our_next_door/
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What's the square root of 69?

8 something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at5n9v/whats_the_square_root_of_69/
%
It is a cold, foggy night, and several passengers are in a bus, driving along little lanes through the countryside.

Suddenly, the bus swerves violently. The passengers are irritated. A young man who was woken up by the bus's swerving says: "What happened?"
"Mist," the bus driver says, dismissively.
The young man thinks that yes, it is harder to drive in fog, and falls back asleep thinking nothing of it.
Then, half an hour later, the bus swerves another time. The young man woke up again. "What was that?"
"Mist," the bus driver says.
"Well, be more careful." He falls asleep again.
Another half an hour later, there is a bang. The young man wakes up with a jerk. That stupid driver must've gone into a hedge or something. "What happened?"
"Got 'er."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at5l8g/it_is_a_cold_foggy_night_and_several_passengers/
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Patient: my crossword is making me depressed

Doctor: try not to get two down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at5fxl/patient_my_crossword_is_making_me_depressed/
%
When I was young, I always thought the feet were the first part of a person to go to heaven

First, because they're called the "souls" of your feet. Second, I once walked into my parents' bedroom and saw my dad holding my mom down on the bed. Her feet were in the air and she was screaming "Oh God I'm coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at5coa/when_i_was_young_i_always_thought_the_feet_were/
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A teacher goes into the principals office and tells her that a student of his, Karen, wasn't doing any assignments and sat idle throughout the class.

The principal calls Karen into his office and before he has a chance to speak she says,"Why am i in trouble? I did nothing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at4vm9/a_teacher_goes_into_the_principals_office_and/
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Sting in bed the other night, I asked my wife, “Honey, if I died, would you let your next husband have my recliner”?

She replies, “Well it would be a waste not to, he may find it comfortable”.
Then I ask,  “What about my boat”?
And she says, “I just don’t think you will be needing your boat after your gone.  We may retire and do a lot of fishing”.
So I did some thinking and asked, “How about my truck, surely you’ll sell it because all of the memories of us riding in it together will be too much for you to bear and too awkward with your next husband”.
She replies, “You know, it is paid for with low miles, I’ll probably hang on to it”.
Then, getting kinda nervous, I said, “Well SURELY you wont let him have my golf clubs”?
To which my wife responds, “Oh no honey, don’t worry about that, he’s left handed”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at4vcg/sting_in_bed_the_other_night_i_asked_my_wife/
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when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at4rzz/when_i_was_growing_up_the_winters_were_rough_my/
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I bought my wife a mood ring.

Found out if she's in a good mood it turns green.
If she's in a bad mood it leaves big red circles on my forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at4rig/i_bought_my_wife_a_mood_ring/
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Seems like there are very few products made in America any more. I just bought a TV and it said,

Built in Antenna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at4r02/seems_like_there_are_very_few_products_made_in/
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Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at4hte/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
%
The teacher ask Bob a question

"If 3 birds are sitting on a tree branch, then i shot one with a rifle, how many are they left?"
\*None miss, they left because they were scared\*
"No Bob they are 2 remaining, but i like the way you think"
Bob then remain silent for a bit, and ask the teacher something
\*3 Woman are walking down the street, each one with an ice-cream. One is licking it, one is sucking it, one is biting it. Wich one is maried\*
"I think it's the one who suck it"
\*No it's the one with the wedding ring, but i like the way you think\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at4hcq/the_teacher_ask_bob_a_question/
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I pretend to be gay in order to gain the trust of women I like.

I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing.
Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at4du9/i_pretend_to_be_gay_in_order_to_gain_the_trust_of/
%
Have you heard a joke about capital punishment?

Apparently, they're very hard to execute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at4bz4/have_you_heard_a_joke_about_capital_punishment/
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My freind has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at4bwl/my_freind_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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I quit my job at the helium gas factory

I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at4b14/i_quit_my_job_at_the_helium_gas_factory/
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I’m a dyslexic, atheist, insomniac

I stay up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at48cf/im_a_dyslexic_atheist_insomniac/
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What did Han Solo’s last name change too after he married Leia?

Han Duet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at41zc/what_did_han_solos_last_name_change_too_after_he/
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Genie

A guy walks into a bar holding a sack.
He sits down at the bar, opens the sack and places a tiny man on the table, along with a piano. Immeasurable the small man starts playing and the bartender is very impressed.
“Where’d you get that?” said the bartender. The man pulls a lamp out of the sack and replies “I found a genie in this lamp. He can grant you any wish, but be careful, because he is hard of hearing. The bartender grabs the lamp and rubs it, saying: “ I want a million bucks!” Suddenly a million ducks appear in the bar and the street around it. The man looks at the bartender and says “I told you he was hard of hearing. Do you really think that I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at41vs/genie/
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My dad was a workaholic.

You mention work, he got drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at40dk/my_dad_was_a_workaholic/
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So two aliens find their way to earth

They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Pissed at  the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying,
'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon  and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.
'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at40bu/so_two_aliens_find_their_way_to_earth/
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French person: Do you do sports?

Me: Wii

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at3xmj/french_person_do_you_do_sports/
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If you can convince a hooker to make eggs after....

Is she a bed and breakfast?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at3uei/if_you_can_convince_a_hooker_to_make_eggs_after/
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I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

I now live in constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at3tp3/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at3thi/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at3r6s/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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There are three different stages of marriage, said Dad to his son on the boy’s wedding day.

When you’re newlyweds, you have sex wherever and whenever you want it. Then comes stage 2. After you’ve been married for some time, sex is usually confined to the bedroom. And then comes stage 3. The most sex you get is when you pass each other on the stairs and say ‘Fuck off!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at3pvb/there_are_three_different_stages_of_marriage_said/
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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that has a moral.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Do not fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at3nlw/one_day_at_the_end_of_class_little_johnnys/
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A man and woman go out to a fancy restaurant

When they walk in, they see the host is an attractive young man. The woman walks up to him and says "I'm interested in a quickie." The young host is flustered and quickly finds them a table. Just as they sit down, the server walks up to take their order. Again, the woman says "I'm interested in a quickie." The server is also flustered, quickly takes their drink orders and leaves. When he returns with the drinks, he's accompanied by the manager. Once more, the woman says to them both "I'm interested in a quickie." The manager is stunned,  but before he can say anything, the woman turns to her date and says, "See? I told you it was pronounced quiche!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at3gke/a_man_and_woman_go_out_to_a_fancy_restaurant/
%
Yo mama is so classless...

...she could be a Marxist utopia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at3gi6/yo_mama_is_so_classless/
%
Did you hear about the Egyptian who refused to accept that he was drowning?

He was in denial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at3ai5/did_you_hear_about_the_egyptian_who_refused_to/
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My best friend is frustrated with dating and says he can't find a good girl. I reassured him that good girls are found in every corner on Earth.

What I didn't bring up is the fact Earth is round...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at33k1/my_best_friend_is_frustrated_with_dating_and_says/
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What's the difference between 365 used condoms and a radial tire?

One is a Goodyear and the other is a really great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at33e9/whats_the_difference_between_365_used_condoms_and/
%
Did you guys hear about the Jussie Smollett hate crime?

Fake Noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at310h/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_jussie_smollett_hate/
%
What happens if you sing country music in reverse?

You get your wife and job back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at30o5/what_happens_if_you_sing_country_music_in_reverse/
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A man stumbles upon a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out!
The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting.  I want to be the wisest man in the world."
The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at2zza/a_man_stumbles_upon_a_magic_lamp/
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.  "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"  The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at2x5v/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at2s19/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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I only knock up antivaxers.

Child support for 8 years is a lot better than 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at2rwm/i_only_knock_up_antivaxers/
%
I don’t know why, but my girlfriend made me really mad giving me a handjob the other night

I guess she just rubbed me the wrong way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at2qgt/i_dont_know_why_but_my_girlfriend_made_me_really/
%
What's a duck's favorite drug?

Quack cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at2nq1/whats_a_ducks_favorite_drug/
%
I received a flyer on anger management the other day

I lost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at2mj7/i_received_a_flyer_on_anger_management_the_other/
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Three Old men reminiscing in a nursing home.......

........complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old.
The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young.  Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble."
The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young.  Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out."
The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss.  Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit."
The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?"
The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at2hl1/three_old_men_reminiscing_in_a_nursing_home/
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A guy 10 stories up needs a saw

He's working on a construction crane, and he yells down to a worker below. He gets no reply. They do make eye contact, however. So he tries sign language. He points to himself, points to his knee, and then makes a sawing motion. "I kneed saw" The guy below gets the idea, rips his belt off, throws his pants down, whips his dick out, and starts going to town. The guy above storms all the way down, and when he gets to the bottom he says, "What the fuck? I was saying I needed a saw." The guy with his dick out then responded, I know, like I said, "I'm coming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at2ga6/a_guy_10_stories_up_needs_a_saw/
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White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at2ey9/white_people_dont_shoot_each_other_in_the_streets/
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I think that a lot of conflict in the wild west could of been avoided...

If the cowboy architects just made their towns big enough for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at2brv/i_think_that_a_lot_of_conflict_in_the_wild_west/
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What starts with an "O" ends with "nion" and sometimes makes you cry?

Opinions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at2bfh/what_starts_with_an_o_ends_with_nion_and/
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Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.

I’m not fucking lying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at27vn/nobody_believes_me_but_i_only_have_sex_standing_up/
%
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq

.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at24ya/i_called_a_suicide_hotline_in_iraq/
%
A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm

“In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator”
“I’ll give it a try. Test me”
“What is 35 x 47?”
The man answers quickly “476”
“That’s not even close”
“Yeah but thats fast”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at1x4o/a_man_goes_to_an_interview_for_an_accountant_firm/
%
Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet

...and says "i think my fish is epileptic",the vet looks and says "he looks fine to me.paddy replies,"hang on,i haven't taken him out of the bowl yet".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at1urd/paddy_takes_his_goldfish_to_the_vet/
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Don't tell anyone this

This is Top Secret
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This is Bottom Secret (Don't tell anyone this either)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at1r25/dont_tell_anyone_this/
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What is the difference between complete and finish?

When you marry the right woman, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at1q9a/what_is_the_difference_between_complete_and_finish/
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Not another elephant

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at1q2u/not_another_elephant/
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A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at1o4s/a_man_in_an_interrogation_room_says_im_not_saying/
%
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?

They become mummies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at1jkz/what_happens_to_egyptian_girls_who_forget_to_take/
%
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.
She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.
“Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited,
She said “Look in the garage.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at1ic2/with_a_very_seductive_voice_a_wife_asked_her/
%
Dating on tinder.

the odds are good but the goods are odd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at16gh/dating_on_tinder/
%
A man goes into hospital with 6 plastic horses up his butt.........

The doctors described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at0s5c/a_man_goes_into_hospital_with_6_plastic_horses_up/
%
My dad, grandad, great grandad and great great grandad were all circus clowns.

Not something I ever wanted to do. Their shoes were just too big to fill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at0qzd/my_dad_grandad_great_grandad_and_great_great/
%
A girl won't date me because she'd be taller than me when she wears heels

It's her sole reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at0pyn/a_girl_wont_date_me_because_shed_be_taller_than/
%
Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at0pff/ran_out_of_vodka_and_decided_to_ride_my_bike_into/
%
My Granddad kept trying to tell them that the Titanic would sink.

He kept on telling them, but noone listened. They all got sick of him and eventually kicked him out of the theatre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at0n9s/my_granddad_kept_trying_to_tell_them_that_the/
%
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at0h6d/i_got_my_daughter_a_fridge_for_her_birthday/
%
A woman called to my house looking for a donation to the community swimming pool

So I gave her a bucket of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at0gqa/a_woman_called_to_my_house_looking_for_a_donation/
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My teacher pointed towards me with his ruler and said "At the end of this ruler, there's an idiot."

I got detention after asking which end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at0gah/my_teacher_pointed_towards_me_with_his_ruler_and/
%
Why the Martians haven't contacted us?

They missed the opportunity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at0cy5/why_the_martians_havent_contacted_us/
%
I was recently diagnosed with colour blindness.

It came out of the green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at0alb/i_was_recently_diagnosed_with_colour_blindness/
%
See the difference?

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at03ac/see_the_difference/
%
I went digging for gold but didn’t find anything

It was a miner frustration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/at02k9/i_went_digging_for_gold_but_didnt_find_anything/
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I was staying in a crappy motel. In the middle of the night a beautiful woman woke me up by pounding on the door and begging me to open it. I felt so bad...

... that I decided to let her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aszzzk/i_was_staying_in_a_crappy_motel_in_the_middle_of/
%
I was homeschooled growing up but I don't like to tell people that.

What I do like to tell people is that I had a teacher in high school that used to let me put her nipples in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aszscn/i_was_homeschooled_growing_up_but_i_dont_like_to/
%
They told me to go to the zoo and steal as many bears as I could

I got away with the bear minimum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aszs1j/they_told_me_to_go_to_the_zoo_and_steal_as_many/
%
Tried a make a cocktail a couple times...

I got mixed results.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aszrzi/tried_a_make_a_cocktail_a_couple_times/
%
How do you turn a normal sofa into a sofa bed?

Forget your girlfriend's birthday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aszrt4/how_do_you_turn_a_normal_sofa_into_a_sofa_bed/
%
Why is ‘dark’ not spelled like ‘darc’?

Because you can’t c in the dark!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aszldl/why_is_dark_not_spelled_like_darc/
%
A boy, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.

So, a father comes home to his son one day and says that they'll have to move for a while. He's going out on a business trip and his mother is in hospital for a car accident, so the child has to stay with his uncle for a while. His uncle is a farmer, and so the boy arrives on the farm. He's only allowed to bring what he can carry, as well as his pet cat. So, he meets with his uncle and despite being a rather harsh man due to his work, he's well meaning. Not to mention, he seems to be quite a fan of cats ever since his wife met an unfortunate end at the hoof of one of the farms horses.
So the boy is going to bed, and he lets the cat out for the night. A few hours later, he wakes to the sound of screaming.
He comes outside and his uncle is running about absolutely swamped in baby chicks and kittens. They seemed to have just sprung up overnight. Hes trying to herd them all into a small, boxed off area but its so damn difficult while trying not to hurt them. The boy, naturally confused, asks what happened.
The farmer replies "Your cat got into the chickens roost", to which the boy replies "Yea, so what?". His uncle promptly shoots back, "haven't your parents told you what happens when you leave a pussy and a cock alone in a house overnight?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aszgfp/a_boy_his_uncle_and_a_cat_on_a_farm/
%
My wife told me that having a small penis wasn't anything to be ashamed of.

I don't care what she says, I wish she didn't have one at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aszdw7/my_wife_told_me_that_having_a_small_penis_wasnt/
%
What do you do with a dead chemist?

You Barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aszauv/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
%
Mistaken Identity

A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: - "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?" - "I am not Master Ayumu."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asz9d9/mistaken_identity/
%
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

Sat up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asz810/did_you_hear_about_the_agnostic_dyslexic_insomniac/
%
My son accidentally left his Adderall in his Ford Festiva.

Now, it's a Ford Focus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asz79g/my_son_accidentally_left_his_adderall_in_his_ford/
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A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded bar holding a pistol and yells “I have a 45 caliber colt 1911 with one in the chamber and I wanna know who’s been sleeping with my wife”.
A voice from the back of the room yells
“You’re going to need more ammo”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asyw3g/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What is a ghost's favorite kind of porn?

Bookkake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asyqur/what_is_a_ghosts_favorite_kind_of_porn/
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What do you call a robot that can read your mind?

A psyborg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asyq6d/what_do_you_call_a_robot_that_can_read_your_mind/
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Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview at call center

Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning, I see the yellow sun, I see the green grass and I think to myself: I hope it will be a pink day."
The French was next: " I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV.
Last was the Indian: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone green green, I pink up the phone and I say: Yellow".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asymk3/italian_french_and_indian_went_for_a_job/
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Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions?

I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asym9c/dont_you_hate_it_when_people_answer_their_own/
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A fish sees a fly over the river.

The fish says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches then I could catch it and have a great meal.” Little did the fish know, a bear was slowly creeping up on the riverbed and saw the fish watching the fly. The bear said “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish would jump up to catch it so I could catch the fish and have a great meal.” Just while this was happening, a hunter eating a sandwich stumbles upon the scene and says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish could catch it so that bear could eat the fish so I could catch the bear off-guard and shoot him so I could have a great meal. I would drop my sandwich just to get a chance at a bear that huge!” Just then, a mouse wanders into the forest and sees what is happening. The mouse says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish could catch it, so that bear could eat the fish, so that human could drop his sandwich shooting that bear so I could eat the sandwich and have a great meal.” As this was all happening, a cat sees what is playing out and says “oh boy, I sure hope that fly drops six inches so that fish can catch it, so that bear can eat the fish, so that human can drop his sandwich shooting the bear, so that this mouse would be distracted eating his sandwich so that I can catch the mouse and have a great meal.” All of the sudden, the fly drops six inches. The fish jumps out of the water and catches the fly. The bear leaps into the water and snatches the fish. The hunter drops his sandwich and shoots the bear. The mouse lunges on top the sandwich. But then it all goes wrong. The cat trips over a stick while trying to charge the mouse and falls into the river, getting soaked by the oncoming rapids
So I guess if a six inch fly drops, a pussy will get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asykqp/a_fish_sees_a_fly_over_the_river/
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Little Johnny and God

One day Little Johnny was going up a hill pulling a red wagon behind him saying “Fuck this.” and “Fuck that.” repeatedly.
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says “You shouldn’t swear like that Johnny. God is all around us.”
“Is he in the sky?” Asked Johnny.
“Yes,” says the priest.
“Is he in that bush over there?” Asked Johnny.
“Yes,” says the priest once again.
“Is he in my red wagon?”
“Yes,” replied the priest.
“Well tell him to get the fuck out and push!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asxylt/little_johnny_and_god/
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Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US.  I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asxqe5/why_americans_dont_need_to_feel_bad_when_they_are/
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How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna ride bikes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asxlt0/how_many_add_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asxfjj/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_lips/
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Random dirty joke

Girl 1: Hey, that’s a nice bike. When you get her?
Girl 2: Her? Did you just assume my bike’s gender?
Girl 1: Well I find it hard to believe any guy lets you ride them willingly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asxdbl/random_dirty_joke/
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My god will save me

A man lived in Florida in a two-story house near the water. During hurricane season one year the emergency services order the town he lives in to evacuate to avoid being swallowed up by high waters. A group of people evacuating stop by his house in a big pickup truck.
“Hop in and we can all get out of here together.”
The man refuses to leave.
“My god will save me,” is all he replies.
A few days later the waters have risen several feet and the man is forced to live on the second floor of his house to avoid the flood waters.
A rescue boat searching for survivors spots him sitting by his window and they boat over.
“Hop in and we can all get out of here together.”
Still the man refuses to leave.
“My god will save me,” is all he said.
A day later and the waters have risen and driven the man to seek refuge on his roof.
A coast guard helicopter surveying the damage notices him sitting on the roof and flys in to save him. A coast guard worker is lowered on the rope and offers to harness the man up.
“Hop in and we can all get out of here together.”
The man refuses again.
“My god will save me,” is all he says.
Another day later and the waters have risen over the top of his house. The man is swept away by the current and drowns.
At the gates of heaven the man sees god. He asks him, “God, I showed great faith in you. Why didn’t you rescue me?”
God replies, “I sent you a pickup truck, a rescue boat and a helicopter. What more do you want from me?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asxd8c/my_god_will_save_me/
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Money-wise I’m set for life,

Provided I die next Tuesday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asx36x/moneywise_im_set_for_life/
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I speak for the trees!

So an ant is walking through a field, scavenging for food.  Suddenly, his legs stiffen up and he has trouble walking. "Feet! He says, angrily.  "Why have you failed me?  I must search for food, but I am unable to walk."  "Not us!" Squeal the feet.  "We only are only meant for gripping the ground or climbing the grass." "Hmm" says the ant.  "I guess it must be something else.  Ankles?" "Yes?" They reply.  "Why do you slow me down?  I must search for food to bring back to my colony." "Not us" shout the ankles.  "We are here so that you may turn and be agile when moving." The ant agrees, "okay!" He says and looks to the legs.  "Don't blame us" the legs scold.  "We are meant to hold you up and give you strength.  It's not our fault that your legs do not bend!" "Who is it then!?" The ant shouted.  "It is becoming dark and I must find food for the colony!" But all the body parts remained silent.  "Who is it?" The ant questioned again.  Then the abdomen looked at him and said "I think it may be your knees.  They have stopped bending, and your legs have become stiff." "Why have you done this, knees?" Shouted the ant.  But there was no reply, so he shouted again.  "Knees!? Why have you stopped bending and prevented me from walking?  I must be going now.  The colony needs food and I must complete me duty!" But there was still no reply.  Several more times the ant tried to admonish the knees but to no avail.  "Perhaps they are unwilling to talk" said the abdomen to the ant.  Then the ant spoke "Why must the ignore me?  It is urgent that I gather the food for the colony!" Then the ant the ant looked to all the body parts he interrogated before.  "Feet! Will you speak for them?" He spoke? "Of course not!" They all cried in unison.  "Ankles? Do you have anything to say for them?"  "We do not" spoke the ankles.  Lastly he turned again to the legs and said "legs, my old friend, surely you will speak on behalf of the knees!" However the legs declined his request.  Then there was a brief silence.  Then abrubtly, the ant bellowed "What is this?  I am betrayed by my own body and no one will answer my call as to why!  I have been traveling much of the day in the hot sun to provide my colony with food, but it can not be accomplished now because my legs have grown stiff and will not bend. What am I to do?  No one will speak to me about this problem!" Then after a short silence a soft voice humbly spoke...I am the thorax, I speak for the knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asx20k/i_speak_for_the_trees/
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I told my mom that I wished everyone in the world was dead.

She told me to be the change I wanted to see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aswzqn/i_told_my_mom_that_i_wished_everyone_in_the_world/
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Whaddaya call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aswyi1/whaddaya_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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What's the difference between my will to live and my virginity?

I lost my will to live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aswmb4/whats_the_difference_between_my_will_to_live_and/
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Why is the ocean always blue?

Because the shore never waves back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aswd1d/why_is_the_ocean_always_blue/
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A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.
The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**
"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time."
"But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks.
**"Well, then I just call them by their last names."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asw7ft/a_woman_goes_into_a_restaurant_with_15_kids/
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My friends say I get sadistic when I’m losing at Scrabble

But I made them eat their words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asvyyl/my_friends_say_i_get_sadistic_when_im_losing_at/
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A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?
The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!
The electrical engineer responded that, without the brains and nerves, those muscles and joints would be useless. God must be an electrical engineer!
The civil engineer just looked at the two of them and shook his head. "Who else but a civil engineer would put the sewer outflow right in the middle of the entertainment district?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asvwwc/a_mechanical_engineer_an_electrical_engineer_and/
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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?" Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit him perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!". The salesman eyed Joe, then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly, as well. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?". Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a-half?" Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." said the salesman, again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly, again. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asvq96/joe_was_moderately_successful_in_his_career_but/
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What do you call a fat Rihanna?

Arihanna Grande

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asvmi8/what_do_you_call_a_fat_rihanna/
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Why boxers don’t have a sex before the fight?

Because they don’t like each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asve4o/why_boxers_dont_have_a_sex_before_the_fight/
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Why do Chinese people have Chinese babies?

Because two Wongs don't make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asv839/why_do_chinese_people_have_chinese_babies/
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What do you call an acid with attitude?

A mean-o acid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asv7vv/what_do_you_call_an_acid_with_attitude/
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"Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"

"I don't know son, I'm still paying".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asv15o/dad_how_much_does_it_cost_to_get_married/
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What does an Indian who refuses to leave say?

Namaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asuz5o/what_does_an_indian_who_refuses_to_leave_say/
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My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asuvtc/my_door_to_door_fruit_delivery_business_failed/
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What do you call a fat Ariana Grande?

A grande Ariana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asut7a/what_do_you_call_a_fat_ariana_grande/
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A blind man enter a bar...

and find his way to a barstool.  After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind man replies “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asuiln/a_blind_man_enter_a_bar/
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Three men are driving in the desert when their car breaks down.

The men decide that they must split up and survive on their own for the best chances. They are then forced to abandon the car. To be fair, they decide that they can each take one part of the car to help them.
The first man decides that he wants to take the car battery, he is an engineer and believes he can hook it up to somehow keep his phone charged as he travels the desert.
The second man decides he wants the water pump because he can drink from it when he gets thirsty.
The third man, who was a little slow, wanted to take a car door with him. His reasoning was, “if it ever gets to hot, I can just roll the window down”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asu3zc/three_men_are_driving_in_the_desert_when_their/
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If you were to rob a vape shop,

Could you call it a juul heist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/astygl/if_you_were_to_rob_a_vape_shop/
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German girlfriend

My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/astwbx/german_girlfriend/
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Wife: The vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck the way it used to.

Husband: Neither does the dish washer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/astuke/wife_the_vacuum_cleaner_doesnt_suck_the_way_it/
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Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.
And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asttmk/last_night_i_rode_my_bike_to_the_liquor_store/
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Bill Clinton's food tester

is walking through the White House wearing a big grin.
One of the staff sees him and asks, "Why are you so happy, today? Don't you have the shitty job of trying everything before the president eats it, in case its poison?
The food tester replies, "Yep! And today he just got 8 new interns."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/astt9f/bill_clintons_food_tester/
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What do you call someone who delivers Indian food?

A curry-er.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/astqjp/what_do_you_call_someone_who_delivers_indian_food/
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Why was the clock sent to detention?

It ticked-off the teacher by tock-ing in class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/astpvu/why_was_the_clock_sent_to_detention/
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I saw someone driving a DeLorean to work today. If I had one I wouldn’t use it for running about like that...

I would just drive it from time to time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/astpvd/i_saw_someone_driving_a_delorean_to_work_today_if/
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Vegans would do anything to get their point across.

They don't care about the steaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/astptl/vegans_would_do_anything_to_get_their_point_across/
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What do you call BDSM with an artist?

Artichoke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/astoce/what_do_you_call_bdsm_with_an_artist/
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Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month;

then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/astcau/mexico_should_stop_importing_cocaine_for_a_month/
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A farmer was in an accident with a trucking company and finally decided his injuries were serious enough to take the company to court.

In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning the farmer and asked, “Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”
The farmer responded, “Well let me tell you what happened. I had just loaded my mule into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in the farmer’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his mule.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “I had just loaded my mule into the trailer and when this huge semi truck ran right into me. I was thrown into one ditch and my mule was thrown into the other. I could hear my mule moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape. Then the officer came on the scene. He could hear my mule groaning so he went over to her. All of a sudden I heard a gun shot and then no more moaning. Then the officer came across the road and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ast9yw/a_farmer_was_in_an_accident_with_a_trucking/
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A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ast4fs/a_woman_comes_home_late_in_the_night_and_goes/
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I met my first girlfriend while studying abroad

I learned a lot from her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ast3pq/i_met_my_first_girlfriend_while_studying_abroad/
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What is Waldo's (Wally's) least favorite dish?

Fondue!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ast2zi/what_is_waldos_wallys_least_favorite_dish/
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Just before my wedding, a man gave me some advice on where to hide all my cash

In the oven.
My wife to be wasn’t amused

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ast1br/just_before_my_wedding_a_man_gave_me_some_advice/
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(NSFW) What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ass6g9/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and/
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How can people sell out for money?

No,really, I’m looking for advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asrtp0/how_can_people_sell_out_for_money/
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What happened to the pet owner who lost his lizard?

He had a reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asrrzi/what_happened_to_the_pet_owner_who_lost_his_lizard/
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My penis is like my wallet

Not big enough for the lady’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asrqmh/my_penis_is_like_my_wallet/
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Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn't like to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asrol6/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
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I caught my sister masturbating with a cucumber last night. I was going to eat it...

but now her pussy will just taste like a cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asrl5u/i_caught_my_sister_masturbating_with_a_cucumber/
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A pilot, a captain, and a driver were all stuck in a blimp headed straight towards a city.

The pilot, wanting to save himself from crashing, says “let me steer this blimp off course and land us safely. As a pilot, I have years of experience controlling flying vehicles. A blimp surely can’t be much different from a plane.”
The captain then butted in and said “No, let me take the wheel. As a captain, I have handled many large boats and saved my crew countless times from stormy seas. A blimp is just as large and slow as a ship, so surely I’ll be able to handle it.”
As the pilot and the captain were arguing over who would take control of the blimp, it got closer and closer to crashing into the city. After about 10 minutes, they both looked at the driver.
The driver said nothing, becuse it’s a golf club, and it cannot speak.
The blimp crashed into the city causing 131 deaths and 327 injuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asrf9v/a_pilot_a_captain_and_a_driver_were_all_stuck_in/
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A woman gives birth to twins. She gives them both up for adoption.

One goes to Egypt, they name him "Amal". The other goes to Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she had a picture of her other son. To which the husband replied "Why? They are twins. If you've seen Juan  you've seen Amal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asrdvp/a_woman_gives_birth_to_twins_she_gives_them_both/
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What do you call a place of religious worship for Tesla cars?

An Elon Mosque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asrdm6/what_do_you_call_a_place_of_religious_worship_for/
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I can't believe all these viruses and bacteria invade my body without permission

Makes me sick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asr5fs/i_cant_believe_all_these_viruses_and_bacteria/
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I am a sex addict. I was caught having sex with the Easter Island statues.

I really hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asr414/i_am_a_sex_addict_i_was_caught_having_sex_with/
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A person invented a new computer and called his friend to check it out...

Person:- this computer can think like a human
Friend :- how?
Person :- whenever it does something wrong, he blames it on other computers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asr18x/a_person_invented_a_new_computer_and_called_his/
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You know what they say in Seattle, if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes...

then shoot yourself in the face.
R.I.P. Kurt Cobain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asr0gy/you_know_what_they_say_in_seattle_if_you_dont/
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How does the rabbi make his coffee?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asqudx/how_does_the_rabbi_make_his_coffee/
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Decade: 10 years

Century: 100 years
Millennium: 1000 years
Together forever: 8 months!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asqros/decade_10_years/
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My mum has a photo of me in her wallet and not of my siblings

She said whenever she face an obstacle, she looks at my photo and her problem disappears.
I really felt touched until she said she tells her self: "what other problem can be bigger than this one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asqiam/my_mum_has_a_photo_of_me_in_her_wallet_and_not_of/
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judge: “First offender?”
Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asqg2n/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
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What’s your mom and a waitress got in common.

They both like a huge tip from me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asqdev/whats_your_mom_and_a_waitress_got_in_common/
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I knew a bisexual girl who was very lonely

I guess she was all bi herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asq79y/i_knew_a_bisexual_girl_who_was_very_lonely/
%
Pulled over

A prostitute gets pulled over. The cop asks "Where you're from?" She responds "Idaho". The cop says "I know you are, but where you're from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asq2x3/pulled_over/
%
Osama bin Laden rated America.

He gave us a 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aspzyj/osama_bin_laden_rated_america/
%
Saw some Little People marching for Sexual Health Awareness yesterday...

They were chanting “Stand Up for Blowjobs”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asptrq/saw_some_little_people_marching_for_sexual_health/
%
What kind of key do you use for a kitchen?

A Cookie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aspp3q/what_kind_of_key_do_you_use_for_a_kitchen/
%
“Boss, I’ve got a probl..”

Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities.
Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aspnnc/boss_ive_got_a_probl/
%
A boy was walking down the street when he saw a man further down slumped over his car...

As the boy came closer he realised the man wasn't slumped over the car, he was hugging and kissing it, all while bawling tears.
"What's wrong?" Asked the boy, "Is your wife making you sell the car?"
"No," answers the man. "She just got her license."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aspmqt/a_boy_was_walking_down_the_street_when_he_saw_a/
%
My mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water.

He must think I'm some kind of mug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aspkyf/my_mate_just_asked_me_if_he_could_put_a_teabag_in/
%
I saw a man in the sea screaming, 'Help, shark, help!'

I couldn't help but laugh though because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aspkij/i_saw_a_man_in_the_sea_screaming_help_shark_help/
%
What’s the difference between the Thalmor and a brick?

A brick will actually help rebuild Skyrim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aspd68/whats_the_difference_between_the_thalmor_and_a/
%
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asp92c/i_took_our_body_weight_scale_out_to_weigh_myself/
%
In America dogs are K-9

But in China they are E-10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asp6w1/in_america_dogs_are_k9/
%
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room...

The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble.
Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve...
Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please.
Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right?
Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you.
Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young.
Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me!
And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk.
The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asp5kn/an_older_man_and_a_16_year_old_girl_were_alone_in/
%
I'm getting tougher as I get older.

When I was a teenager, blokes twenty years older than me used to kick shit out of me.
Now I'm fifty, they don't stand a fucking chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asp4dl/im_getting_tougher_as_i_get_older/
%
A friend of mine started taking baby Ed class where they use bags of flour to represent babies

3 days later he came to class with a cake claiming his baby went through puberty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asp3ih/a_friend_of_mine_started_taking_baby_ed_class/
%
The world's leading expert on wet clothing walks into a record shop.

The expert asks the assistant "Do you have the latest edition of 'Wet Garments' Acoustics'?  I'm sure your store just released it yesterday."
"Of course," the assistant replies. "Would you like to listen to it before you buy it?"
"Why, thank you," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few seconds and complains to the assistant. "I'm very sorry, but this is not accurate at all. You sure this is the correct recording?"
The assistant checks that it is indeed the one the expert is asking for, apologizes, and plays a few more tracks. However, the expert is still not content. After listening to almost a third of the record, the expert is fuming with rage and complaining to the now timid assistant. He is about to storm out of the shop when the shop manager stops him.
"Wait a minute, sir. I know what's the problem here. "
The expert trudges back to the record player.
"I'm very sorry, sir." the manager continues, "It appears we've been playing you the wrung side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asp2rz/the_worlds_leading_expert_on_wet_clothing_walks/
%
Why did the Cupboard learn Karate?

for Shelf-Defense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asp28q/why_did_the_cupboard_learn_karate/
%
I just saw a meme that said "The first 50 years of childhood are the hardest."

**Finally, someone understands me.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asozcy/i_just_saw_a_meme_that_said_the_first_50_years_of/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair..

A virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asorhf/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
Did you hear the latest Microsoft Office update can cure depression?

It gives you an improved Outlook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asokle/did_you_hear_the_latest_microsoft_office_update/
%
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend

But he kept on asking for another shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asok40/a_bartender_broke_up_with_her_boyfriend/
%
LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts

This is sound advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asoc9v/lpt_always_wear_hearing_protection_when_you_go_to/
%
An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”
“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”
“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.
As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.
They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.
Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”
The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”
Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aso9al/an_hr_manager_was_knocked_down_tragically_by_a/
%
Why did the lead guitarist get sent to prison?

for fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aso3p8/why_did_the_lead_guitarist_get_sent_to_prison/
%
I really got in touch with my inner self today.

I should probably start buying thicker toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aso1ru/i_really_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn’t last as long if you’re fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aso1op/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What is full of holes and travels down an alley?

Batmans parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aso0jj/what_is_full_of_holes_and_travels_down_an_alley/
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Interactive joke

There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. **Remember: 3 stories.**
The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?"
The man went up to the second story and saw his son playing a video game. He told him "You're doing it wrong, you're supposed to-" but the son slapped him, saying "Who's playing? Me or you?"
Then he went to the third story and saw his daughter doing homework, and told her "this is the wrong answer" and the daughter slapped him, saying "Who's doing homework? Me or you?"
Finally, the man went up to the fourth story. (At this point, hopefully your listener would say "but you said there were only 3 stories!" at which point you slap him/her and say "Who's telling the joke? Me or you?")
**Edit:** If you're dealing with someone dense who doesn't interrupt you, there's not much you can do. Just explain what should have happened, then finish with "but explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. Sure, you understand how it works, but the frog is dead. Just like the joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asnz0m/interactive_joke/
%
What is the most common illness in China?

Kung Flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asnwy3/what_is_the_most_common_illness_in_china/
%
Why aren’t there many pictures of the Sphinx from the back?

People get uncomfortable taking pictures of its sphinxter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asnwjt/why_arent_there_many_pictures_of_the_sphinx_from/
%
My life completely changed after I learned Morse code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asnv5f/my_life_completely_changed_after_i_learned_morse/
%
6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00
Balance: £0.00

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asnsv3/6_hours_after_a_major_bank_robbery_took_place/
%
What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A Mink in the closet
A Jaguar in the driveway
A Tiger in the bedroom
and an Ass to pay for it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asnsrc/what_are_a_womans_four_favorite_animals/
%
You can make all the Linkin Park jokes you want...

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asnm3i/you_can_make_all_the_linkin_park_jokes_you_want/
%
UN embassy, Ambassador of Israel speaks:

- I want to start my speech with an excursion into history. Long ago, Moses led the Jews through the desert. It was hot, People were thirsty. Then Moses hit the staff on the ground, and a lake appeared.
The jews drinked, and than Moses took off his clothes and went swimming. When he came out of the water, there was no clothes, because it was stolen by the Arabs!
The representative of Palestine jumps up:
- Lying! At that time there were no Arabs there !!!
Israeli Ambassador:
- It was from this  that I wanted to start my speech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asnm23/un_embassy_ambassador_of_israel_speaks/
%
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back...

...Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asnkrc/last_night_me_and_my_girlfriend_watched_three/
%
I'm not an apologetic Canadian...

I'm sorry, I'm just not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asnjet/im_not_an_apologetic_canadian/
%
Son: Dad, just how deep is the average vagina actually?

Dad: Deep enough for a man to lose his house, his car, his dog & half of his life savings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asngem/son_dad_just_how_deep_is_the_average_vagina/
%
Yesterday I pooped, and when I went to flush, the bowl was empty.

I lost my shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asn5rt/yesterday_i_pooped_and_when_i_went_to_flush_the/
%
I am getting real sick of these Anti-Vaxx memes

But that's because I wasn't Vaccinated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asn3xk/i_am_getting_real_sick_of_these_antivaxx_memes/
%
Help needed!

I need some advice on a pretty serious decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. There have been a few signs which I think I may be taking the wrong way and wouldn't like to falsely accuse her, but the number of these little warning flags keeps increasing. She is constantly on her phone day and night, If she is not on it, it is in her hand or zipped up in her handbag which always goes with her. She may even be faking using the toilet as I am sure I have heard her having conversations in there. She started going out "with the girls" a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them" or other such pass off lines.
I offer to pick her up but there is always an excuse and she gets a taxi. Ive always looked out for her ride coming home (which is getting later each time) but she always walks from around the corner, I can usually hear a car driving off as she walks towards our house. But if it really is a taxi, why not just get dropped off in front of the house?
Recently, I picked her iPhone up just to see what time it was and she went mental at me. screaming that I should never touch her phone again, and accused me of checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to brave it and check on her when she got home. I decided I was going to hide behind my car on the street which would give me a view of the junction that she gets dropped at so I could see which car she was getting out of and who she was with. It was around 2:30 am when she pulled up. As I turned to look, I placed my hand on the car (onto a small patch of rust which is forming on the edge of the rear light enclosure) and watched her leave her taxi in which she was alone.
The question is, should I worry about this rust spot? Can I fix it myself? or should I take it to a garage?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asn2qe/help_needed/
%
I just found out that my psychologist is also a prostitute.

Totally blew my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asn1il/i_just_found_out_that_my_psychologist_is_also_a/
%
Why is Reddit called Reddit?

You should know, you've seen this joke ten times before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asmyek/why_is_reddit_called_reddit/
%
I was sitting next to a girl on the train and i started a conversation with her...

Me: "hi what's your name?
Girl: "hello, I'm Rebecca...what's yours?"
Me: "Richard, but my friends call me Dick"
Girl: "that's strange... How do you get Dick from Richard?"
Me: "just ask politely"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asmscu/i_was_sitting_next_to_a_girl_on_the_train_and_i/
%
There's 3 old ladies sitting on a bench

A man in a trench coat walks out, opens up the coat and flashes them. 2 of the old ladies have a stroke. The 3rd one doesn't because her arms are too short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asmr6r/theres_3_old_ladies_sitting_on_a_bench/
%
[“Hip”, “Hip”]

Hip hip array

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asmq9t/hip_hip/
%
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat".
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asmq3y/a_man_was_sunbathing_naked_at_the_beach/
%
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asmoy5/i_was_on_the_phone_with_my_wife_and_said_im/
%
My son just became a father for the first time today and in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him…

…they were stored in my dadabase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asmnhs/my_son_just_became_a_father_for_the_first_time/
%
If a boy is washing his face, then he is ready to go somewhere

If a girl is washing her face, then its confirm she's not going anywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asmlrn/if_a_boy_is_washing_his_face_then_he_is_ready_to/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asmkjk/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
An engineer and art major were living together. One day, the house burned down, but only the engineer survived

The reason: The engineer was at work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asmjo6/an_engineer_and_art_major_were_living_together/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asmj9v/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
I think I might have a slight drinking problem...

My friend asked me to toast some bread... I got up, raised my glass and said: "Here's to the Bread"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asmdhd/i_think_i_might_have_a_slight_drinking_problem/
%
So I walked into a bookstore the other day.

Me: Do you have any books on turtles?
Worker: Hard back?
Me: Yeah, with little heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asmc7q/so_i_walked_into_a_bookstore_the_other_day/
%
What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield?

Its butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asma7v/whats_the_last_thing_that_goes_through_a_bugs/
%
How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asm9ut/how_do_you_get_a_fat_girl_into_bed/
%
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asm9d0/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sits down

The bartender says what can i get you?
The man replies, “I’ll take 3 shots of jack please.”
The bartender pours him his three shots and before he could even put the bottle down the man downed all three shots and asked for three more. The bartender poured his three shots and once again, the man downed them all immediately and asked for three more. The bartender, surprised said “Wow, you must be celebrating something!”
The man replied “Yeah, I just had my first blow job.”
The bartender said “Well that’s awesome!”
And the man said “Yeah, but I can’t get the taste out of my mouth!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asm6hw/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_down/
%
What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asm47m/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_with_multiple/
%
Jesus was so strong

Because he was into CrossFit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asm459/jesus_was_so_strong/
%
What's the difference between Finding Nemo and Shrek?

Finding Nemo is about Efficiency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asm13k/whats_the_difference_between_finding_nemo_and/
%
The doctor told me he would let me walk again.

I didn’t believe him, but now I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asltqp/the_doctor_told_me_he_would_let_me_walk_again/
%
I played a cool video game with some really hammered dudes,

We were Super Smashed Bros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aslti5/i_played_a_cool_video_game_with_some_really/
%
You know why deaf people don't buy new products?

They've never heard of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aslt4k/you_know_why_deaf_people_dont_buy_new_products/
%
I drove into a car at some traffic lights whilst not really paying attention

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He looked up to me and said, “I’m not happy,”
“Well, which one are you then?” I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asls5s/i_drove_into_a_car_at_some_traffic_lights_whilst/
%
What type of jokes do turtles like?

Shell-arious ones.
(My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asls26/what_type_of_jokes_do_turtles_like/
%
What's common between terrorists and prostitutes?

Blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aslplj/whats_common_between_terrorists_and_prostitutes/
%
I’m very successful but I have my humble upbringing to thank

For example my father was just a blue collar road worker...but he really paved the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asloye/im_very_successful_but_i_have_my_humble/
%
A reporter wants to interview a middle-aged Arab guy who barely speaks English

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aslm18/a_reporter_wants_to_interview_a_middleaged_arab/
%
They told Beethoven he couldn’t make music because he was deaf

but he didn’t listen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aslks1/they_told_beethoven_he_couldnt_make_music_because/
%
What sound does a clock make when it's in a strip club

Thicc thot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aslkqu/what_sound_does_a_clock_make_when_its_in_a_strip/
%
How many tickles does it take to make a male octopus laugh?

Eleven.
It's usually ten-tickles, but an extra one is counted for the test-tickle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aslibs/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_male/
%
I was the bread she was my jam but..

she said that I deserved butter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aslc0r/i_was_the_bread_she_was_my_jam_but/
%
A weasel walks into a bar...

The bartender says “wow, I never served a weasel before! What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asl82m/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My Five year old son, after reading story of a king...

My 5 year old son, after reading story of a king...
Son- Mom, I will also marry 3 wives. One will cook, one will sing and one will bathe me.
My wife- And which one will put you to sleep.
Son- No Mom, I will still sleep with you.
My wife's eyes filled with tears of pure love of  our son.
'God bless you son' She said, 'But who will sleep with your three wives.?'
Son- Let them sleep with daddy.
My eyes filled with tears of pure love of my son.
'God bless you my child' I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asl2dw/my_five_year_old_son_after_reading_story_of_a_king/
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A lady had lost her husband almost two years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there, she undressed and so did he.
There she stood naked, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asl0ul/a_lady_had_lost_her_husband_almost_two_years_ago/
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A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.
“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”
His curious (also drunk) flock followed him out to what appeared to be a huge swimming pool filled with live alligators.
“What is the meaning of this?!” Exclaimed one man
The rich man replied. “I have so much wealth that I do not know what to do with it. I have more money than one man could ever hope to spend. Alas I am bored!”
“This is my 80 foot pool and it holds one hundred hungry alligators!” He proudly proclaimed.
“I am prepared to pay a cash prize of $10,000,000 to anyone who can swim from one side to the other without being harmed!”
His audience fell silent. No one was crazy (or drunk enough) to attempt such a feat.
“You’re a madman!” One guest bellowed out.
“A fools errand to be sure!” Another one shouted
“Yes, yes, I suppose you’re right.” The rich man nodded
.
“ I did not expect anyone to be willing to throw away their life for mere dollars. Back inside I suppose”
Just as the rich man and all of his guests are heading back inside the mansion, he hears a loud SPLASH.
“Out of my way!” He yelled, as he pushed his way through the crowd back to the pool.
Much to his surprise and disbelief, he sees a young man swimming for his life across the gator infested pool! The young man narrowly makes it to the other side safe and unharmed, climbs out of the water, doubles over hands on knees and begins to breath heavily. The rich man rushes over to him.
“Are you insane?! He shrieks.
“You could have died! Why would you even attempt such a stunt?! I mean the money is no problem, I’ll deliver it to you at once however, I must know what made you go for it? I’ve never seen anyone swim that fast in my life!”
The young man, still catching his breath, picks himself up to stand straight, wrings his soaked shirt, and slicks his hair back, looks the rich man dead in his face and angrily says....
“Who the fuck pushed me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/askzai/a_rich_man_threw_a_mansion_party/
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The Great German Dream.

We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asky2o/the_great_german_dream/
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Meta-meta-joke

# Joke
A joke is something funny because unpredicatable that makes people laugh, giggle or smile. This is a a joke :
>I met a shepherd, we talked about ewe.
The fact that it takes a second to realize that "we talked about ewe"  sounds like the well known sentence that rings a bell in your head "we talked about you", makes your brain uncomfortable because the concepts mismatch. The result is a good laugh (or again, maybe just a giggle).
# Meta-joke
A meta-joke is a joke *about* jokes. It should still be as funny as a joke, but includes the concept of someone telling a joke. For instance:
>Jim's friend tells him:
>
>"I have a joke for you: how many eggs can you eat in the morning, on an empty stomach?"
>
>"I don't know", answers Jim, "I'd say a dozen".
>
>"No, just one!" answers his friend. "After that, you're not on an empty stomach anymore!"
>
>"Funny one!" answers the man, "I'm going to tell it to my wife!"
>
>So Jim goes home and tells his wife: "Honey, how many eggs can you eat on an empty stomach?"
>
>"I don't know", answers his wife, "I'd say 3 or 4".
>
>"Too bad" says Jim, "If you had answered «a dozen», I would have had a funny joke for you".
Here, we can see that Jim's understanding of the joke was too literal. Again, even though his friend's joke is well known, the fact that Jim didn't see he could still tell it to his wife is unexpected. Your brain knows it (unless you're like Jim) and *you* get the joke on a second level. Meta-joke… **BOOM!**
# Meta-meta-joke
Obviously, a meta-meta-joke (yes, we're finally here) is a joke about a meta-joke.
This time, before I tell you that joke, I must tell you three meta-jokes that you may know of. They all look similar, so I'll only add a new punchline to each subsequent meta-joke.
>In a family, they tell so many jokes that they ended up numbering them. It is often heard, at a family dinner, that the grampa says "Hey, guys, listen to that one: 78!" and every one starts laughing.
>
>But one day, little Bobby, who doesn't really understand what's going on, wonders what's that funny. He finally builds up some courage and shouts to everyone: "43!"
>
>His mother's hand falls on his cheek with a big smack and she tells him: "Bobby, where did you learn those kind of words?"
Now for the second joke:
>In the same family, there is a guest the next day. Just as Bobby, he's completely oblivious of the meaning of those numbers. As an adult, he politely asks his hosts what was going on and they explain to him.
>
>"Can I try?" he asks.
>
>"Why of course, dear" says the granny.
>
>"Ok, let's go… 31".
>
>No one laughs. The guest asks "why isn't anyone laughing?"
>
>"Well", answers the father, "apparently you don't know how to tell a joke".
And the last one:
>A month later, the same guest is invited again to dinner. This time, just before the dinner starts, he tells everyone: "OK, people, I practiced and I'm ready to tell you a joke."
>
>Everyone is intrigued and listens to him. Taking a deep breath, the man shouts: "112".
>
>After a few seconds of silence, every other person starts laughing frantically, one of those never ending laughters that almost makes you uncomfortable.
>
>"Why are you laughing so hard?" he asks.
>
>Trying to speak as she could, the mother answers: "That's a joke we never heard before!"
You know have three nice looking (and quite similar) meta-jokes. Now here is a meta-meta-joke:
>Kyle asks a friend: "do you know the joke about the family who knows so many of them?"
>
>His friend answers: "Which one do you mean? Number one, number two or number three?"
I'm sorry, but I lied to you… this (I mean all this) is actually a meta-meta-meta-joke! That should at least make you giggle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asktco/metametajoke/
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Three friends are walking down the sidewalk and see something in their path that looks like shit, but they aren't sure.

Al leans down and takes a whiff. "It smells like shit".
Bob reaches down and presses two fingers into it. "Hmm, it feels like shit."
Carl asks for a piece and begins to chew it. With a full mouth he declares, "Well, it sure tastes like shit."
Al then reasons out loud, "So it looks like shit. It smells like shit. It feels like shit. It even tastes like shit . . . I think it must be shit!"
Bob agrees. "Yeah. Good thing we didn't step in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/askt8n/three_friends_are_walking_down_the_sidewalk_and/
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Just asked a girl to marry me and she said Yes...

Though I think that her English was a bit off because she exactly said - I don’t no you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/askol4/just_asked_a_girl_to_marry_me_and_she_said_yes/
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How are driving in the winter and going down on a girl alike?

If you're not careful, you'll slide right into the asshole in front of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asknxq/how_are_driving_in_the_winter_and_going_down_on_a/
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So I was walking along the beach and came a cross a women with no arms and legs, crying....

I asked her, what was wrong,
she replied, well, I’ve never been hugged by a man before....
So I have her a hug
She’s still crying, again I ask her what was wrong
She replied, I’ve never been kissed by a man before...
So I kissed her
And now she’s crying a little less but still enough for me to ask again what was wrong...
She replies, well, I’ve never been fucked by a man before...
So I pick her up take her real close to the water and throw her in and yell:
Now you’ve been fucked by a man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/askn2g/so_i_was_walking_along_the_beach_and_came_a_cross/
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What did the O say to the Q?

Dude your dick is hangin out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/askitd/what_did_the_o_say_to_the_q/
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A kid asks his mom, "How was I born?"

The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and smoked them and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/askg7u/a_kid_asks_his_mom_how_was_i_born/
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Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4, it'd be a chicken sedan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/askg00/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_2_doors/
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Ever since I decided to swap gender my son never notices me…

Honestly he looks right through me and doesn’t acknowledge my existence and seems to be frightened when I say something. It’s like I’m totally trans-parent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/askf9c/ever_since_i_decided_to_swap_gender_my_son_never/
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How do American police stop shooters

They donut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/askdqv/how_do_american_police_stop_shooters/
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New poll shows that the majority Bernie Sander's supporters like whole milk

But they hate 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aska95/new_poll_shows_that_the_majority_bernie_sanders/
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The lizard and the koala.

A lizard is wandering through the Australian outback one afternoon when he spots a Koala sitting in a tree.
"OI!" he calls out to the Koala, "What are you doin' up there?"
The koala looks down at the lizard, "Oh hey bro, I was just about to smoke a spliff. You can join me if you want."
"Hells yeah!" replies the lizard, making his way up the tree.
After smoking the spliff, the lizard says to the koala "I need water bro, I'm so ripped. I'm just gonna go grab a drink."
"No worries," replies the koala, "you go get a drink."
The lizard - stoned out of his gourd - makes his way down the tree and stumbles over to a nearby river, but as he's trying to get a drink he accidentally falls in. Immediately panicking that he's going to drown, he starts scrambling, frantically trying to get out of the water and back onto the safety of the bank.
A nearby crocodile who had been watching him came over and helped the lizard out of the river. "Dude," said the crocodile, "I was just watching you trying to get a drink and you fell in like an idiot. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Dude, I'm so stoned," replied the lizard, "I've been sitting in a tree with a koala smoking a joint."
"A koala in a tree smoking a joint?" laughed the crocodile, "This I have to see."
Over to the tree the crocodile walked, and looking up at the koala he yelled "OI, what are you doin' up there?"
The koala looks down at the crocodile and says "Fuck me! How much water did you drink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ask6od/the_lizard_and_the_koala/
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My Doctor told me "Don't eat any thing fatty".

I said "like cheeseburgers and french fries?"
He Said "No Fatty. Don't eat anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ask63u/my_doctor_told_me_dont_eat_any_thing_fatty/
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I decided not to get my cat vaccinated

I didn’t want him to get pawtism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ask5h4/i_decided_not_to_get_my_cat_vaccinated/
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wanna hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ask4lh/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_construction/
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What's the cheapest place to buy shrimp?

A prawn shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asjrw8/whats_the_cheapest_place_to_buy_shrimp/
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So I was fornicating with a Russian girl...

faster faster! She yelled.
FASTER FASTER! She screamed.
FASTER PLEASE!
Then I said:
Babe stop, I'm not russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asjnc5/so_i_was_fornicating_with_a_russian_girl/
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Name changing

A guy came to my office asking to have his name changed.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"John Shit. I can't stand it anymore"
"And what's the name you want to have?"
"Alex Shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asjlky/name_changing/
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A old Man and his hard of hearing wife pull up to a gas station.

Attendant: what will it be sir?
The Old man says just fill it up
Wife yells: what did he say?
Old man yells back angrily “ I just told him to FILL IT UP!”
Attendant says lovely day we’re having isn’t it?
Old man replies why yes it is, and his wife yells “what did he say?”
The frustrated old man yells back at his wife said it was a NICE GOD DAMN DAY!
The attendant leans in the window and says so I see you’re from Washington state, I swear the worst blow job I’ve ever had was from there.
The wife yells at her husband, “what did he say?”
The old man replies SAYS HE KNOWS YA!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asjlej/a_old_man_and_his_hard_of_hearing_wife_pull_up_to/
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I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asjjxu/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_was/
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A LESSON IN MORALS

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny.
"My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asjhaj/a_lesson_in_morals/
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I've just overheard my wife talking to her friend on the phone.

"I can't wait for Monday night, it's going to be the best sex ever!"
What a silly cunt.
Clearly she's forgotten that I'm going away on a business trip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asjc0z/ive_just_overheard_my_wife_talking_to_her_friend/
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How does Mike Tyson like his bath?

Grilled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asjamg/how_does_mike_tyson_like_his_bath/
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A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray

"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.
"No, it kills them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asj6bp/a_man_walked_into_a_hardware_store_and_picked_up/
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How do dogs like their sex?

Ruff.
I’m so sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asj4z6/how_do_dogs_like_their_sex/
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It wasn't my fault

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asj4cz/it_wasnt_my_fault/
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You know what the best thing about sex is?

Nuttin’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asj3cr/you_know_what_the_best_thing_about_sex_is/
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What comes before 69?

That sorry sap who suffers from premature ejaculation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asj0hu/what_comes_before_69/
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Whenever I'm asked "What happened in 1492?", people are always surprised by my answer.

Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asizal/whenever_im_asked_what_happened_in_1492_people/
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The president opens his curtains on a snowy morning when he sees that someone had urinated the words "The president sucks" on the lawn.

Furious, the president orders the FBI to launch an investigation.
Two hours later, the head of the FBI calls the president. "Sir, we have bad news, and we have even worse news. The urine was the Vice Presidents".
The President responds, "What? What could be worse than this?"
The head of the FBI says,"The handwriting was the First Lady's".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asiyc2/the_president_opens_his_curtains_on_a_snowy/
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Dogs can never sit still during an MRI

... only catscan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asix97/dogs_can_never_sit_still_during_an_mri/
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I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?'

He said: 'How flexible are you?'
I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asituv/i_said_to_the_gym_teacher_can_you_teach_me_to_do/
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What did the 6 say to the 9?

How long can you hold that handstand for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asirzl/what_did_the_6_say_to_the_9/
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Two drums and a cymbal fall off a mountain.

Ba dum tsss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asiri8/two_drums_and_a_cymbal_fall_off_a_mountain/
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What’s the difference between me and cancer!

My dad didn’t beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asim3q/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
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What did Ludacris say when he used up the last of the toilet paper?

ROLL OUT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asijeh/what_did_ludacris_say_when_he_used_up_the_last_of/
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Guy takes a gal to his place for dinner the other day...

...he gives her his peas and she gives him herpes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asi2hn/guy_takes_a_gal_to_his_place_for_dinner_the_other/
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What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic do?

Stays up at night sleepless, wondering endlessly if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asi29r/what_does_an_insomniac_agnostic_dyslexic_do/
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Why can’t miss piggy count to 100?

Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ashro8/why_cant_miss_piggy_count_to_100/
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Which birthday do you celebrate for just 1 minute?

Your 62nd birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ashqkc/which_birthday_do_you_celebrate_for_just_1_minute/
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What do you call a girl who sleeps with men for adderall?

An attention whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ashifo/what_do_you_call_a_girl_who_sleeps_with_men_for/
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“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing

Unless you’re  at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ashc5n/im_sorry_and_i_apologise_mean_the_same_thing/
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Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he’d tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he’s been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother’s really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.
The mother said, “oh honey, it’s not the jokes, it your delivery.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ashal1/johnny_became_a_mailman_after_hearing_how_they/
%
They had to close the circus

There was a freak accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ash9sh/they_had_to_close_the_circus/
%
How do you drown a hipster?

Throw them in the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ash8ix/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I honestly don't know, but the flag is a huge plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ash87v/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
Treat her like you will treat your mom.

*Later on date*
"Give me $40 please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ash7dk/treat_her_like_you_will_treat_your_mom/
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My son asked me what a dilemma is

I explained: "Imagine you're in a bed with a beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other...
Who would you turn your back on?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asgrxd/my_son_asked_me_what_a_dilemma_is/
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What do you call a skeleton trying to sell a wall?

Ann Coulter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asgpxq/what_do_you_call_a_skeleton_trying_to_sell_a_wall/
%
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN LOVES GROWING TOMATOES..

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman decides to do the same thing.
So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden.
Her neighbor asks, "How did it go?
Did you tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asgj3p/a_beautiful_woman_loves_growing_tomatoes/
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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

Cannibal: does this taste funny
Other cannibal: No

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asgj0d/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
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A BRUNETTE A RED HEAD AND A BLONDE WERE IN ...

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out.
The girls broke out and the brunette said,
"Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.
The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"
The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"
So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one.
Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there.
Once they got up, the Sargent ordered them to kick the baskets.
So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."
"It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."
"It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asggr5/a_brunette_a_red_head_and_a_blonde_were_in/
%
Why did the middle finger get mad at the thumb?

We don't know. It just snapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asger2/why_did_the_middle_finger_get_mad_at_the_thumb/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asgdto/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
%
Why don’t unvaccinated kids care about the Middle Ages?

Cause they’ll never experience them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asgd3r/why_dont_unvaccinated_kids_care_about_the_middle/
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My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”

She said, “I think the baby is coming”
Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asgauh/my_wife_called_me_on_the_phone_breathless_and/
%
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday...

...I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asg99k/i_was_fired_from_the_keyboard_factory_yesterday/
%
I once told my wife a joke about a big wall

She never got over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asg544/i_once_told_my_wife_a_joke_about_a_big_wall/
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My friend and I used to get hammered and go around pissing off balconies

We’d stumble down the street until we found a good one. Then we were all like “Hey balcony, you’re a real piece of shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asg02m/my_friend_and_i_used_to_get_hammered_and_go/
%
Freddie Mercury offered to cater my wedding, so I asked him how many cakes he’d be making.

He said “I want to bake three.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asfvja/freddie_mercury_offered_to_cater_my_wedding_so_i/
%
What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly your dick into someone's ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asfsjk/whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_jelly/
%
What did the magician do when he arrived at the grocery store?

He turned into the parking lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asfsem/what_did_the_magician_do_when_he_arrived_at_the/
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Sex with ghosts

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.   To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamid raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asfpzb/sex_with_ghosts/
%
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He’s a small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asfo9y/i_buy_my_guns_from_a_guy_called_trex/
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We should start calling unvaccinated kids Peter Pans...

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asfnjf/we_should_start_calling_unvaccinated_kids_peter/
%
I love Peter Pan jokes...

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asfm9f/i_love_peter_pan_jokes/
%
Your mom drinks so much...

she gets smashed more than the like button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asfhrd/your_mom_drinks_so_much/
%
What do you get when you cross a human with a billy goat?

A beastiality charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asf9t9/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_human_with_a/
%
Ms. Dolores is reviewing the alphabet with her third-grade class...

One particular student, Johnny, is a troublemaker. He always looks for an opportunity to disrupt class and shock the teacher, and today is no different.
Ms. Dolores starts off with the letter "A". "OK, class, who knows a word that begins with 'A'?"
Johnny raises his hand before anyone else, and she calls on him. "ASS!" shouts Johnny, and the class erupts with laughter.
"Johnny, that's enough! You know that kind of language is not appropriate. Now, who knows a word that begins with 'B'?"
Once again, Johnny's hand is up first, so Ms. Dolores reluctantly picks him, hoping that he'll settle down a bit. "BITCH!" is his immediate response. Once again, the class descends into chaos. It takes her a few minutes to calm everyone down.
"OK, Johnny, you're done for the day. I've had enough of your attitude. You don't get to answer any more questions."
She moves on to the letter "C". Of course, Johnny goes wild with anticipation, throwing his hand into the air. Ms. Dolores knows better than to give him this chance.
She moves through the alphabet, letting anyone but Johnny give a word, and noting that he is especially eager to answer for certain letters, like "D", "F", and "P". But she's not having any of it.
Finally, they get to "R". "Anyone have a word that begins with 'R'?", Ms. Dolores asks the class. Johnny immediately perks up, shooting his hand towards the ceiling, begging her to pick him. She just stands there for a few seconds, racking her brain to try and think of any bad word that might begin with "R".
Finally, she admits defeat. If there's a bad word here that Johnny knows, she just can't imagine what it is. Maybe the kid has gotten it out of his system and wants to actually participate in class for once. She decides to give him just one more chance.
"OK, Johnny, let's hear it. What's your word for 'R'?"
"RATS!", says Johnny.
Ms. Dolores is shocked. She can't believe Johnny actually gave a correct and appropriate answer to the question. Maybe the kid is actually making some progress, she thinks. After taking a second to recover, she says, "Very good, Johnny. I'm proud of-"
Johnny throws his hands wide, and shouts "WITH DICKS *THIS BIG!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asf9ei/ms_dolores_is_reviewing_the_alphabet_with_her/
%
I put my root beer in a square glass

Now it's just beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asf8mr/i_put_my_root_beer_in_a_square_glass/
%
New cuisines

I went to a Chinese/ German fusion buffet today for lunch. I had the Szechuan Schnitzel with sweet and sour kraut. It was pretty good. My only complaint is that an hour later I was hungry...
For POWER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asf3ik/new_cuisines/
%
Thanks to my wife I'm the happiest man on Earth.

She's gone away for the week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asf04m/thanks_to_my_wife_im_the_happiest_man_on_earth/
%
In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears.  “Your wish is granted,” he says.  Instantly, Justin becomes a shark.  Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him.  As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated.  So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back.  Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn.  With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out his friend Christian.  As he approaches, he shouts out, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend. Don't be scared, I've changed, I’ve found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aseuwm/in_the_shark_infested_waters_of_the_caribbean_two/
%
What's the difference between sandwich meat and people from Alabama?

Nothing, they're both inbred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aseqin/whats_the_difference_between_sandwich_meat_and/
%
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aseq8p/my_wife_asked_if_she_could_have_some_peace_and/
%
So, there I was buying cheese in a deli.

Me: what would you recommend?
Deli person: *describing cheeses*
Mozzarella is smooth and melts well.
Me: sounds good .
Deli person: cheddar is good for sandwiches if you're looking for a sharp tang.
Me: awesome, noted.
Deli person: Pepper Jack is like Monterey Jack cheese but has delicious pepper chunks in it.
Me: weird flecks, but ok!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asecoa/so_there_i_was_buying_cheese_in_a_deli/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road (Punchline is slightly NSFW)

slightly NSFW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ase82f/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road_punchline_is/
%
You're Not a Monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m \*dying\* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. So, the monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ase7u0/youre_not_a_monk/
%
What do you call an annoying white girl?

A white noise machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ase7gl/what_do_you_call_an_annoying_white_girl/
%
A man goes on safari with his mother-in-law.

A hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. In a worried state, she awakens her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
“Quick, darling,” the wife shouts frantically, “Do something!”
“Oh, no,” the husband says, “That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ase6h6/a_man_goes_on_safari_with_his_motherinlaw/
%
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I might be able to save you $10k."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ase4h7/so_there_was_this_assassin_that_charged_10000_per/
%
I submitted a post to r/unpopularopinion

but nobody liked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ase2a7/i_submitted_a_post_to_runpopularopinion/
%
I once had to skip class because I had hypothermia.

I was too cool for school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ase18q/i_once_had_to_skip_class_because_i_had_hypothermia/
%
When she comes in with welts on her arms, a net helmet and dripping with honey.

That’s when you know she’s a Keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asdrx9/when_she_comes_in_with_welts_on_her_arms_a_net/
%
A joke from one of my friends who's an airline pilot

So he often says, right before take off "Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to thank you for choosing Jet Blue and would also like to thank the wonderful flight attendants for their professionalism and dedication to trying to make your flight as safe and comfortable as possible. However, you won't find any of those people on this flight. So sit back and please fasten your seat belts as we will shortly begin our ascent"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asdkgv/a_joke_from_one_of_my_friends_whos_an_airline/
%
Yo mama so dumb...

She tells "yo mama" jokes to YOU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asdfz3/yo_mama_so_dumb/
%
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asdfwd/a_komodo_dragon_works_security_cameras_at_a_store/
%
What to do in jail

If I ever get arrested, I'm gonna rename myself to "Mitochondria"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asd7kq/what_to_do_in_jail/
%
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland

Are their children called ice cubes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asd5e8/if_a_woman_from_cuba_marries_a_man_from_iceland/
%
I WOULD tell you about the secret underground library...

But its very hush hush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asczfq/i_would_tell_you_about_the_secret_underground/
%
What’s the difference between a Chilean mining company and a Catholic priest?

The Chilean mining company gets its miners stuck in a shaft. The Catholic priest gets its shaft stuck in a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ascnwg/whats_the_difference_between_a_chilean_mining/
%
When there is some wine leftover from communion, it doesn't get wasted...

The vicar does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asclh5/when_there_is_some_wine_leftover_from_communion/
%
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's an interestng question. Why do you ask?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ascii0/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
There was a woman who lived alone all year round because her husband was a navy seal. The house was near a train station and whenever the train passed, the wardrobe that was in the bedroom would fall.

So one day the woman calls a carpenter: "You know," she says, "whenever the train passes, the wardrobe falls and... ". Before the woman completes the sentence, the train passes and the wardrobe immediately falls down.
The carpenter seems to know the solution to the problem: "Leave it to me, I will support it on the wall and then it will not fall, ever!" After he supports the wardrobe and finishes the job, the train passes and the wardrobe falls back down. The carpenter loses his mind: "I do not understand what is going on, but this time I will pin the wardrobe on the wall with steel nails so as not to fall ever again!" After pinning it, he says, "Let's see now when the train will pass, will it fall again?" The train passes through and the wardrobe falls once more.
The carpenter is shocked: "If I don't go crazy today, I'll never will!" "And what shall we do now? It's not possible to leave the situation this way", says the woman. "I will make a final effort", says the carpenter, "I will go inside the wardrobe to see what goes wrong and the reason of the falling."
He enters inside the closet, closes the doors and moments later the woman's husband comes in, who has returned from a trip. He watches the carpenter's stuff and starts shouting: "Honest to God, I'll kill you! Where have you hidden your lover? In the closet?".
Before she can respond, he's headed towards the closet, opens it and sees the carpenter ... "You punk!" he shouts, "what are you doing inside here?"
"Come on man" said the carpenter, "If I tell you I'm waiting for the train, will you believe me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asci3b/there_was_a_woman_who_lived_alone_all_year_round/
%
Husband says to wife (haven't seen this one on here, sorry if posted before)

A husband says to his wife,  "I bet you can't say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She responds,  "You have the biggest dick of all your friends. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ascg5x/husband_says_to_wife_havent_seen_this_one_on_here/
%
Did you hear about the insomniac social justice activist?

He was woke af

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asc6k1/did_you_hear_about_the_insomniac_social_justice/
%
What do they call The Hunger Games in France?

Battle Royale with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asc1gq/what_do_they_call_the_hunger_games_in_france/
%
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion.  I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asbrsj/i_just_read_in_the_news_that_tons_of_americans/
%
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asbnij/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Hitler, Stalin, and EA were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked
Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"
EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!"
Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the most hated of all?"
The group agreed and Hitler left to go make the vote. After counting the ballots, Hitler returns and asks:
"Who the fuck is Donald Trump!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asbmxu/hitler_stalin_and_ea_were_having_a_debate/
%
Today is my dad’s anniversary

I know he is in a better place. He is following my every step, watching my every move and listening to my every word. Congratulations dad for you 10 year work anniversary at Google.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asbkfk/today_is_my_dads_anniversary/
%
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?

She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Creds to my friend for that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asbi1t/why_can_you_tell_that_theresa_may_failed_physics/
%
The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."
Leviticus 20:13 ESV﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asbgpx/the_bible_says_being_gay_is_fine_as_long_as_youre/
%
there once was a poor farmer family, they had only one cow.

there once was a poor farmer family, they had only one cow that provided milk, and a well behind the house.
one morning the family wakes up to find the cow dead, the whole family gets sad.
that night the farmer goes to the well and starts crying and mourning, now who would provide milk for them to live on.
then suddenly a fairy comes out of the well.
she says, "I'll revive your cow but I have a condition".
"what condition?" the farmer asks.
"you would have to fuck me 25 times".
the farmer agrees and proceeds to fuck the fairy, 1st time.. 2nd time.. 3rd time ... after the 15th time, the farmer dies.
next day the whole family is sad again.
that night the farmer's elder son goes to the well and starts crying and mourning, "first the cow died, now father died too, how will we live".
the fairy comes out of the well again.
again she says, "I'll revive your cow and father but I have a condition".
"what condition?" the elder son asks.
"you would have to fuck me 50 times".
the elder son agrees and proceeds to fuck the fairy, 1st time.. 2nd time.. 10th time ... 30th time... after the 40th time, the elder son dies.
next day the whole family is sad again.
that night again, the younger son goes to the well and starts crying and mourning, "first the cow died then father died, now brother is dead too, how will we live"
the whore fairy comes out of the well again.
she says, "I'll revive your cow, father and brother all but I have a condition".
"what condition?" the younger son asks.
"you would have to fuck me 100 times".
the younger son agrees and proceeds to fuck the fairy, 1st time.. 20th time.. 50th time ... 100th time, 130th time,..after the 150th time, the bitch fairy dies.
but as promised, the cow, the father and the elder son all are alive.
next day the whole family is very happy.
that night the farmer and the elder brother both goes to the younger brother and asks, "how the fuck did the fairy died?".
the younger brother replies, "well, if the cow can die, how can the motherfucking fairy be alive after 150 times?".
(sorry I know it's long, and I don't know much about telling a joke, I tried my best).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asbff0/there_once_was_a_poor_farmer_family_they_had_only/
%
Life is a dick...

Sometimes it gets hard for no reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asberc/life_is_a_dick/
%
I paid more tax than amazon

That’s it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asbb4l/i_paid_more_tax_than_amazon/
%
When people find out I am not a very good electrician,

they are usually shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asb8vv/when_people_find_out_i_am_not_a_very_good/
%
What do you call a turtle with an erection?

"Slow Poke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asb8nn/what_do_you_call_a_turtle_with_an_erection/
%
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog is thrilled! “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”
“No,” says his advisor, “in her biology class.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asb7t6/a_frog_telephones_the_psychic_hotline/
%
I have "pro-tools for dummies" right next to my toilet...

You might say i'm an Avid reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asb7oo/i_have_protools_for_dummies_right_next_to_my/
%
A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. He never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He, too, never returned.
The chemist was fascinated by the properties of the water, and wrote in his log "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asb7bl/a_physicist_a_biologist_and_a_chemist_were_going/
%
Did you hear the one about the anti-vax mom?

Neither did her kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asb5ol/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_antivax_mom/
%
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asb35b/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_the_calendar/
%
Can a match box?

No, but a tin can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asb2rb/can_a_match_box/
%
What do you call someone who's obsessively environmentally friendly?

An Eco-Maniac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asb12s/what_do_you_call_someone_whos_obsessively/
%
A few partners and myself are planning to open a combination chiropractic office and marijuana dispensary.

It's going to be a joint joint joint joint joint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asazjq/a_few_partners_and_myself_are_planning_to_open_a/
%
What is the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?

The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asaxlo/what_is_the_difference_between_a_step_stool_and_a/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asargv/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80_years/
%
I was asked to lay new flooring in a pharaohs tomb.

They told me to start at the bottom and work my way up. It wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme but it did involve multi level carpeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asap7s/i_was_asked_to_lay_new_flooring_in_a_pharaohs_tomb/
%
Princess Diana was all over the radio the night she died,

And on the dashboard, the seats and the steering wheel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asaom4/princess_diana_was_all_over_the_radio_the_night/
%
It's a fact

6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asanha/its_a_fact/
%
How do you like your steak

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asand3/how_do_you_like_your_steak/
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Confession

There once was a woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asamvs/confession/
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NSFW Stupid frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)" She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter... "I'll take one." He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume. 2. Put on a very sexy teddy. 3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there." To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing. She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, she does.
The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over."
After the man got to her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asamly/nsfw_stupid_frog/
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In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did

So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asam54/in_class_we_learned_that_last_names_were/
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My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before....

I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asaden/my_wife_is_pregnant_and_my_doctor_asked_me_if_i/
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A man met with a woman on social media.

She told him that she is a married woman and her husband is on a business trip so they could have sometime with themselves. The man, suspicious of her, asks her, "will your husband return suddenly and land me into trouble?"
The woman tells him that there is nothing to worry about. She tells him if her husband comes unexpectedly, he would have to pretend like he is from SAFI cleaning services and immediately start cleaning windows and he won't suspect a thing. The man agrees.
Excitedly, he leaves for the rendezvous at her house. They hadn't even held hands when her husband arrives. Terrified, the man frantically starts rubbing the glass of windows. For five to six hours, he cleans the bedrooms, bathroom, toilet and even the attic without leaving a single speck of dust. Added to his miseries, the couple sat back giving him ridiculous instructions. Exhausted, he collapses on the floor.
Satisfied with the service, the husband asked him, "how much?"
Before he could utter a thing, the wife interjects, "I have already paid at their office".
The man left the house and wife murmered into the ear of her husband, "that's how you get a job done".
PS. Repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asa9ku/a_man_met_with_a_woman_on_social_media/
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I never understood fog machines.

They mystify me to this day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asa60r/i_never_understood_fog_machines/
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How Many Wives?

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"
His friend answered, "Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asa4cn/how_many_wives/
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My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/asa2o3/my_boss_fired_me_for_making_too_many_asian_jokes/
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I finally got the attention of a hot girl

That's the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as9wmg/i_finally_got_the_attention_of_a_hot_girl/
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What do you call a group of emos?

A suicide squad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as9vkl/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_emos/
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Four

A couple of women were playing golf one afternoon. One of the two teed off and watched as her ball headed directly toward a group of guys playing the next hole.
The ball struck one of the men, and he immediately fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and seeing his hands clasped together between his legs, immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
The man managed through the pain to refuse but he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
She persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb is still fucking killing me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as9sjr/four/
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I came in #1 at a hackathon.

Guess second place ain't too bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as9sfj/i_came_in_1_at_a_hackathon/
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Whats the difference between my father and a magician

The magician reappears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as9qhd/whats_the_difference_between_my_father_and_a/
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I got home last night and opened the fridge....

And I caught the salad dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as9ozl/i_got_home_last_night_and_opened_the_fridge/
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Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as9ng5/sales_pitch/
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as9iw9/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks_what_is/
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The KKK recently announced that male Asian porn stars are welcome to join the Klan

As they too are a part of he supreme cockasian race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as9iur/the_kkk_recently_announced_that_male_asian_porn/
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Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The fucker had a window cleaning round."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as9czg/paddy_was_on_his_deathbed_and_knew_the_end_was/
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What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as9crj/what_do_you_call_a_bulletproof_irishman/
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A young man visits the welfare office.

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz GT, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as98ey/a_young_man_visits_the_welfare_office/
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What's the difference between a horse's dick and a donkey's dick?

A donkey's dick gets more ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as94qk/whats_the_difference_between_a_horses_dick_and_a/
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A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion

She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table.
The husband asks: “do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My god!”, says her husband. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as94m2/a_husband_and_his_wife_were_sitting_at_a_table_at/
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Why Are Young Ladies Like Arrows?

Because they are all aquiver in the presence of a beau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as925y/why_are_young_ladies_like_arrows/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as910u/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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So, a dude hits on a girl he had a crush on for a while.

Him: Damn, girl! Are you New York City??
Her: Lol, no. Why?
Him: Cos you're looking very NYC today.
After Dating for a month:
Him: Damn, girl! Are you a newspaper?
Her: Uh, lemme guess, you think I'm the storehouse of knowledge?
Him: Nah, there's a new issue with ya every damn week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as8yf4/so_a_dude_hits_on_a_girl_he_had_a_crush_on_for_a/
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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.  The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade.  My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she!  I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office.  While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal.  The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.  If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.  She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal:  “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry:  “9.”
Principal:  “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry:  “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment:  “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks:  “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied:  “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief.
Ms. Brooks:  “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry:  “Pants.”
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks:  “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks:  “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry:  “Shake hands.”
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.
Ms. Brooks:  “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as8vuo/what_starts_with_f_and_ends_with_k/
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A king was going on a conquest on a faraway land

He was going to be leaving his young wife in their castle for who knows how long. He thought to himself: "I don't know how long i will be away but i need to make sure no one will have intercourse with my wife while i am away".
So he put a chastity belt on his wife & kept the key. He begged his wife to wait for him until he comes back. But he also thought what if he died while he was away, his wife will be lonely & will not be able to bear children. So he thought of a plan around this. He thought of his best friend, his childhood friend that he has always trusted. He thought to himself: "Ah, i will entrust this to him, in case i will not be able to return"
So he called his best friend and entrusted the key to him. He told him: "We have been best friends since we were little children & i trust you with my whole life, i have put a chastity belt on my wife so that no one can have intercourse with her and i am entrusting the key to you. In the event that i will not return, or if i have died in my conquest, you have my permission to use the key & make love to my wife."
His best friend accepted and told him: " this is an honor, i will uphold your wishes"
A few hours passed & the king left his kingdom for his conquest.
Shortly, he noticed someone was running behind him, he saw it was his best friend. He was surprised, and so he asked him:
King: What is the matter?
Best Friend: I think you gave me the wrong key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as8swq/a_king_was_going_on_a_conquest_on_a_faraway_land/
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My galfriend and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed.

Me and her, respectively.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as8svv/my_galfriend_and_i_role_play_the_fast_and_the/
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My dad asked if I remembered blowing bubbles as a child

He then informed me Bubbles is out of prison and wants to visit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as8rcw/my_dad_asked_if_i_remembered_blowing_bubbles_as_a/
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Mickey Mouse is talking with his lawyer.

Lawyer: Im sorry Mickey I just dont think you can divorce Minnie simply because she is extremely silly.
Mickey: I never said she was extremely silly. I said she was fucking Goofy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as8g4l/mickey_mouse_is_talking_with_his_lawyer/
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There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as89f2/theres_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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Two blondes walk into a bar....

You’d think they would have seen it in their way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as83wr/two_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
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A guy says: im cold

A guy says: I'm cold
A girl says : go to the corner, it's 90 degrees over there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as81q3/a_guy_says_im_cold/
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Welcome to my 3 step programme on how to climb ladders

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7zkq/welcome_to_my_3_step_programme_on_how_to_climb/
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I don't like to make jokes about religion anymore...

Last time I did I was crucified for it...
and I thought I nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7yt8/i_dont_like_to_make_jokes_about_religion_anymore/
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A man is at work on the day of his marriage anniversary...

However, on the same day, his incredibly hot secretary confesses her feelings and offers to have sex with him.
Because he had been stressed over work, the man takes her up on her offer, and the two make love at a nearby hotel room. They went at it so hard to the point that neither realized it was getting dark already.
“Shit!”, the man said,
“It’s my anniversary and my wife is going to kill me if i get home really late! Worse if she even finds out!”
And so the man hurried back home, leaving his secretary at the hotel room.
On his way home, he takes off his shoes and runs them through a couple of shrubs and some grass.
He gets home, and his wife was waiting at the door for him, furious like never before.
“Now, honey, i know you’re mad that i got home late, but the reason this happened was because i was having sex with my hot secretary from work all day long. I promise,” the man explained.
Seeing his shoes covered in dirt and grass, the wife yelled,
“YOU LYING BASTARD! YOU’VE BEEN PLAYING GOLF HAVEN’T YOU?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7ykh/a_man_is_at_work_on_the_day_of_his_marriage/
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Two men are playing teeing off during a round of golf.

Two men are teeing off during a round of golf when one of the men hooks his shot horribly right into a large area of brush.
"Tough luck that ones a goner, my friend."
"Not a problem! Give me just a second and I will find it and be right back."
The golfer trudges off the fairway and into the brush and just moments later, he's back with his ball.
"How the hell did you find that ball in all that scrub?" Asked his friend.
"Oh this is my lucky golf ball. It's impossible to lose! There's a tracking chip in it tied to a geosynchronous satellite positioning system that allows me to pinpoint it's location using my cellphone. If it lands in water it deploys a micro ballast and immediately floats to the surface. If it gets buried in a sand trap it has a mechanism for digging itself out!"
"That's amazing! Where can I buy a golf ball like that?"
"I have no idea," the man replied.
"Well, where did you get yours?"
The man shrugged and said: "I found it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7w2m/two_men_are_playing_teeing_off_during_a_round_of/
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What do you call a snowman that sells it's body for sex

A frostitute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7tw9/what_do_you_call_a_snowman_that_sells_its_body/
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A Chinese man walks into a bar and sits right next to a Jewish man.

The Jewish man starts eyeing the Chinese man suspiciously, a dark expression covering his face. Suddenly, with no warning at all, he stands up, grabs the Chinese man by the neck, smashes his face against the bar and throws him to the floor.
The Chinese man, dazed and angry, stands up and confronts the Jewish man. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why would you do that?!”
The Jewish man looks him in the eye and says “That was for bombing Pearl Harbor.”
The Chinese man froze. “For bombing Pe- but that was the Japanese!! I am Chinese!”
“Japanese, Chinese, Korean, you’re all the same to me”, said the Jewish man.
Dumbfounded, the Chinese man sits at the bar and orders another beer. He keeps eyeing the Jewish man, a dark expression on his face. Suddenly, he grabs his beer mug and smashes it against the Jewish man’s face, then proceeds to punch him and kick him until the Jewish man isn’t moving any more. He sits back at the bar.
After a couple of minutes, the Jewish man struggles to his feet, stumbles to the bar, and confronts the Chinese man. “What the fuck was that about?”
The Chinese man sips his beer, and without looking at the Jewish man, he says “That was for sinking the Titanic.”
Outraged, the Jewish man goes red. “Sinking the Ti- that was an iceberg!!”
The Chinese man shrugs. “They’re all the same to me, icebergs, Goldbergs, Rosenbergs, Silberbergs...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7rhl/a_chinese_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_right/
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The doctor told my friend he was gay and dyslexic and he couldn't believe it.

He was in daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7me1/the_doctor_told_my_friend_he_was_gay_and_dyslexic/
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I wanted to have a child for about 3 years.

That's why I chose not to vaccinate them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7jy8/i_wanted_to_have_a_child_for_about_3_years/
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What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo???

One is heavy and the other is a little lighter!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7g2l/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it

Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7fty/wife_i_just_got_stung_by_a_jellyfish_quick_pee_on/
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Help! My brother has developed an addiction to drinking brake fluid.

Our family is worried but he says it's okay because he can stop whenever he wants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7f4c/help_my_brother_has_developed_an_addiction_to/
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If life gives you melons

You're probably dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7aat/if_life_gives_you_melons/
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Renee Descartes walks into a bar

Bartender: would you like a drink?
Descartes: I think not!
Descartes then vanishes from existence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as79ne/renee_descartes_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why was the movie about fly fishing a box office flop?

Bad casting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7791/why_was_the_movie_about_fly_fishing_a_box_office/
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If a man says he will fix it... HE WILL!!!

You don't need to remind him every six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7341/if_a_man_says_he_will_fix_it_he_will/
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They're having sex

Little Jhonny and his mama and papa lived in a one bedroom apartment with a balcony. Now with little Johnny being little the parents would send him out into the balcony whenever they wanted to get frisky, to make it seem routine they'd ask him what he saw when he was out. So one Saturday afternoon he is sent out again and he waits in the balcony. He is called back and the family sat down for lunch.
Papa: So little jhonny what did you see outside today.
LJ: The weather is nice a good breeze is out I think I'll fly my kite today.
P: Good Good, but you know how I have asked you to observe people.
LJ: Oh yeah! Lillie was playing with her puppy. Little Nicky and Little Sarah were playing in the pool. Mr. Gardner was cutting the weeds and Mr. & Mrs. Smith were having sex.
P: (choking) in public..
LJ: Nope in their home.
P: How did you know then?
LJ: Little Peter was also standing in his balcony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as70ns/theyre_having_sex/
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A priest walks into a bar

. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a drink.
“Sorry,” says the bartender, “we don’t serve your kind here.”
Baffled, the priest tries to object, but before he can, the bartender walks off. So, furious, the priest just decides to leave. But as he’s walking out the door, he passes a group of wealthy looking business man, and, overhearing their conversation, realizes that one of the men is the CEO of some company called Epic. The priest stops in his tracks, trying to recall why he knows that name. Then it hits him.
They are the company that makes the oh so popular Fortnite! Excitedly, he turns right back around and follows the group into the bar, sure that he can convince the man to by him, a humble man of God, a beer.
He walks up to the group, who all stop talking, and nervously explains his predicament. The five men all look at one another, and then finally, the CEO smiles and says
“Sure. Why not?”
The priest thanks him, and they walk up to the bar together, the priest feeling smug, sure the bartender won’t deny him a beer once he finds out who he’s with.
They wave to the bartender, who politely comes over and asks what he can do for them. The business man explains who he is and that he would like a beer for himself and his new friend. The bartender looks at them for a moment before replying.
“Sorry,” he says, “we don’t serve either of your kind here.”
Completely flabbergasted, the two men both watch as the bartender begins walking away, but before he can take two steps, the CEO asks him
“Why the hell not?!”
The bartender turns around, shrugs, and says
“We don’t serve people who fuck little boys.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as7096/a_priest_walks_into_a_bar/
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Chinese torture!

One day a fine young man got lost in the woods. He wandered around a lot and couldn't get his bearings. He finally wandered into a hill on which was the house of a Chinese man. The man begged the CN to give him shelter for the night. The CN took pity on the man and agreed to allow him to spend the night in the guest bedroom, but he had one condition that the man would make no moves towards his young daughter else he would be subjected to 3 chinese tortures. The man  agrees and goes into the bedroom.
Sometime later he goes down to the kitchen to get some water and bumps into the daughter. She is gorgeous, nearly divine he couldn't help himself so he charmed her and they went back to the bedroom and spent the night together.
Next morning the man woke up, alone on the bed with a rock on his chest and a note in his hand.
Note: You sleep with daughter, first chinese torture, rock on chest.
The man scoffs goes to the window and drops the rock off the window and it hurtles down the hill, he notices some scratches on the window sill and reads.
Scratches: Second chinese torture rock tied to one testicle.
The man has no time to think as the thread around his balls tightens and he jumps from the window.  As he hurtles to the ground he sees writing getting bigger.
Writing: Third chinese torture other testicle tied to bed post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as6xtm/chinese_torture/
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I was going to post a time travel joke on here

But it got down voted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as6rqg/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_travel_joke_on_here/
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I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”

Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as6nfz/im_opening_a_new_gay_club_called_garage_sale/
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2 men are out golfing

A funeral procession goes past and one man takes off his hat watches it go by and puts his hat back on and continues playing
The other man says "that was really respectful man I'm impressed"
The man replies "hell we were married 50 years it's the least I could do"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as6lat/2_men_are_out_golfing/
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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I'm going to need a new fucking boat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as67r3/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole_i/
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Wife bet me that she can make me feel happy and sad at the same time.

I took the bet and she told me. “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as655h/wife_bet_me_that_she_can_make_me_feel_happy_and/
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What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a not so well dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as61se/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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I've decided to get a PhD in how much soda you should have for the end of the world.

Dr. Prepper, at your service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as5zwz/ive_decided_to_get_a_phd_in_how_much_soda_you/
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A termite walks into a bar and says....

“Where is the bar tender?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as5waq/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
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My doctor said I was pessimistic.

Once, there was a shark who bit-off the left side of my body; he let out a small chuckle and said,
"I'm very sorry for this, but I think you are all right."
I replied, "Seriously, doc? I have nothing left."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as5uid/my_doctor_said_i_was_pessimistic/
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Walmart installed a medical kiosk

for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking  tennis elbow won't get better!
"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as5sz1/walmart_installed_a_medical_kiosk/
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You know what really gets under my skin?

Splinters. Those get under my skin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as5rmg/you_know_what_really_gets_under_my_skin/
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What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as5ojp/what_do_you_call_the_security_outside_of_a/
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I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey

.... but thankfully, I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as5mld/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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NSFW A vampire walks into a bar...

...and orders a cup of boiling water.
Bartender asks him "don't you guys normally drink blood?"
The vampire smiles, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used tampon, he replies: "I'm making tea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as5laa/nsfw_a_vampire_walks_into_a_bar/
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TIL that Garden Gnomes are a symbol of good luck.

It’s  a little gnome fact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as5kct/til_that_garden_gnomes_are_a_symbol_of_good_luck/
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How did the sperm cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as5h59/how_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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What does Thor wear under his pants?

Thunderwear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as5epo/what_does_thor_wear_under_his_pants/
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What do feminists use for birth control?

Their personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as5axv/what_do_feminists_use_for_birth_control/
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It's bad enough for someone to ask if there's a doctor onboard a plane.

Imagine how it feels when someone's asking if there's a pilot on board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as59hg/its_bad_enough_for_someone_to_ask_if_theres_a/
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My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion

I looked up at her and said,
"Honey, it's not what it looks like"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as51bm/my_wife_walked_in_on_me_masturbating_to_an/
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I broke my finger at work today

On the other hand I'm completely fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as50iz/i_broke_my_finger_at_work_today/
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Old Timers Bar

Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,  "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen? “There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred, and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please.“
They pay 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally, one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, Liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as4yy6/old_timers_bar/
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How do you catch a unique rabbit?

*You 'neak up on him.*
**How do you catch a tame rabbit?**
*The tame way!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as4xvk/how_do_you_catch_a_unique_rabbit/
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A dark sense of humor is a early sign of dementia.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as4u1x/a_dark_sense_of_humor_is_a_early_sign_of_dementia/
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Husband takes hot wife to the zoo.

They walk around and see the Tiger, then they move on to next cage and see the bears and after they see all the animals they go and see the gorilla, they get really close the cage and the gorilla gets a bit exited about the hot wife, so husband notices that and tells the wife,
"Hey babe lift up your dress" so wife does it and gorilla gets more exited so husband tells wife "hey babe show him your tits! " so wife goes and shows the tits. And the gorilla goes crazy and starts getting all horny , so now the husband opens the door pushes his wife into the cage with the gorilla and closes the door behind and then he screams to the wife
"NOW TELL HIM YOU HAVE A HEADACHE".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as4tmo/husband_takes_hot_wife_to_the_zoo/
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What's the difference between Reddit and Stand Up?

On Reddit, the real jokes are made by the audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as4t04/whats_the_difference_between_reddit_and_stand_up/
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Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front

Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet?
Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born.
Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy?
Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head.
Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk
Father: Shut up cinderblock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as4nug/three_girls_are_in_the_back_seat_their_parents/
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There’s a kid about to jump off a cliff.

His dad walks up and asks why he’s going to jump. The kid says, “I’m depressed and I hate your dad jokes.” “Hi depressed...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as4mgq/theres_a_kid_about_to_jump_off_a_cliff/
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A Japanese businessman goes golfing while on a trip in America

When he returns to his co-workers in Japan, they ask him about his trip.
"In America, they have strange game. You hit little white ball over great green field. Try to get in tiny little hole."
"What is this game called?" his co-workers ask.
"I think it's called...."Oh Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as4j6x/a_japanese_businessman_goes_golfing_while_on_a/
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What do you call politically correct chocolate?

Her/she kisses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as4idh/what_do_you_call_politically_correct_chocolate/
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Human Resources

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”
“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”
“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.
As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.
They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.
Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”
The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”
Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as4hq4/human_resources/
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You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as4f02/youre_hungry_in_the_fridge_there_is_a_bag_of/
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You guys may not agree with me but I personally believe that anti-vax kids will make it to 20

2020 that is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as4e95/you_guys_may_not_agree_with_me_but_i_personally/
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The talking pet

A man was walking by a pet shop one day when the owner asked him to come inside,
“Do you want to see this new centipede we have for sale, it talks!” he exclaimed. The man gave it a look and said “Alright I’ll take it” and proceeded to pay for it.
Once the man got home he thought to himself that it was time to see if the centipede could really talk or not and said “Mate, do you want to go for a pint?”, he received no reply.
After a half an hour he went back to the centipede and asked, “Mate, do you want to go for a pint?”, still with no reply.
The man is considering bringing the centipede back to the shop thinking that he had been scammed but he decided to try one last time to see if the centipede would answer him.
“Mate, do you want to go for a pint?” he shouted, running out of patience.
“For fuck sake I heard you the first time I’m just putting my shoes on!” replied the centipede in a burst of anger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as4dh1/the_talking_pet/
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Haven’t you heard? Some pirates are going for a career change to bankers, and they’ve got good rates.

Pi-rates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as4afy/havent_you_heard_some_pirates_are_going_for_a/
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A broken English speaker told a joke to a boy.

The broken English speaker, a man, told the boy a joke about a sword-fighting pirate that desperately hated the wind.
However, the boy, being so young, missed the joke.
“No, no, no,” said the man. “Arr slash whoosh.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as47l7/a_broken_english_speaker_told_a_joke_to_a_boy/
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I have the three D’s

Depression, anxiety, and dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as46tj/i_have_the_three_ds/
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I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as46ib/i_wondered_why_the_frisbee_was_getting_bigger/
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Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as45ii/everyone_knows_part_of_the_way_toothpaste_works/
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Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as43t8/did_you_hear_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
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I named my dick "reality"

Because reality is often dissapointing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as3xh4/i_named_my_dick_reality/
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I graduated top of my class at gay conversion therapy

Everyone else wanted to be bottoms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as3sy4/i_graduated_top_of_my_class_at_gay_conversion/
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So my buddy and I were driving down a country road and see a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.

Now, like any good ol Montana boy I know a good opportunity when I see it. I pull over and walk up to the sheep and unzip my pants and start giving it to her.  I'm really give'n her the boots when I look over and my buddy is jacking off. I mean, he's really beat'n his meat. Kinda freaked out I stop and ask 'ya wanna turn?'.  He runs over and sticks his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as3ri0/so_my_buddy_and_i_were_driving_down_a_country/
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Where does a pirate go to do his taxes?

H&Rrrrrr block (pirate voice)
I thought of this the other day, not sure if it's an actual joke or not, made me laugh at myself though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as3owm/where_does_a_pirate_go_to_do_his_taxes/
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Steve and Natalia

Steve and world famous super model Natalia are stranded on an uninhabited island after the sinking of their cruise ship. After securing their survival they eventually start having sex and Steve is ecstatic. After about three weeks he gets antsy and asks Natalia, if she could put on one of his shirts. She is bemused, but agrees after Steve explains that it is a guy thing. A short while later he asks her if he could draw a mustache on her face. Although perplexed, she consents after he once again promises that it is a guy thing. Another while later he asks her if he could call her Fred. This unsettles her, but she once again is mollified by his assurance that it is OK and a guy thing. He asks her to go down to the beach and wait there. Five minutes later he comes running down to her, grabs her by the shoulder and yells, :Fred, you are never gonna believe who I have been fucking for the last 3 weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as3kw8/steve_and_natalia/
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A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

For shits and giggles, every time he did a circumcision he saved the foreskin and put in a giant jar he kept in the back of his office. After 50 years he has a full jar of foreskins, and he figures he can use them to make a nice keepsake. He goes to visit the tanner, who has a shop down the street, and asks him to make him something nice in honor of his life's work.
Tanner: What do you want me to make?
Mohel: I don't know! I'm a mohel; you're the tanner so make the best thing you can with what I've given you.
Tanner: You got it; come back in 2 weeks and I'll have something for you.
TWO WEEKS LATER
Tanner: Welcome back my friend! I think you will be very pleased; I have never worked with such a soft, marvelous material and have made you something special!
The tanner goes in the back and comes back with a small box tied with a bow. The Mohel opens it to find a man's wallet.
Mohel: What the hell is this? A wallet?!? I gave you 50 years worth of foreskins--a lifetime of work and you give me a wallet!! You're a crook.
Tanner: Relax! If you rub it it turns into a briefcase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as3isq/a_mohel_guy_who_does_circumcisions_is_retiring/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as3ib0/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are

That's your parent's job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as3hs6/you_shouldnt_be_ashamed_of_who_you_are/
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An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. A voice calls out, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as3fbi/an_artist_is_commissioned_to_create_a_painting/
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A man Wakes Up

A man wakes Up in a dingy Slum with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as3dr2/a_man_wakes_up/
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My friend gave me a smug smile and said, 'Your slut of a wife came over last night and was my chef for the night.'

'Don't call her that, it's offensive,' I replied. 'She can't cook to save her life.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as3dd6/my_friend_gave_me_a_smug_smile_and_said_your_slut/
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I dumped my blonde girlfriend after she tried to poke holes in one of the condoms.

She might have gotten away with it had I not been wearing it at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as3ayq/i_dumped_my_blonde_girlfriend_after_she_tried_to/
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I’m hosting a premature ejaculation charity event tonight.

It starts at 7:30 but feel free to come early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as32br/im_hosting_a_premature_ejaculation_charity_event/
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They just opened a new Buddhist restaurant in my city...

It's called Karma.  The thing is, they don't have a menu.
Instead, you get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as31h4/they_just_opened_a_new_buddhist_restaurant_in_my/
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Husbands Suprise!

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as2zuf/husbands_suprise/
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I used to be into necrophilia and bestiality

But then I realized I was just beating a dead horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as2z45/i_used_to_be_into_necrophilia_and_bestiality/
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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana...

Is it High-Jacking or Weed-Whacking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as2wov/if_you_masturbate_after_smoking_marijuana/
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If we did build a wall, it definitely would work

China built a wall, do you see any Mexicans there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as27hn/if_we_did_build_a_wall_it_definitely_would_work/
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A Procrastinator Built A Time Machine

Well, not yet, but he's planning on getting started last week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as264n/a_procrastinator_built_a_time_machine/
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How do you sink a submarine full of blondes

You knock on the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as25uk/how_do_you_sink_a_submarine_full_of_blondes/
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Racism Today

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days... ever wonder why? A customer walks into an establishment and asks, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
/not my joke, kudos to Author

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as242y/racism_today/
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An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.

He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in tront of him.
St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation"
The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City"
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says "yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord"
The priest is next, St Peter asks him " your name and occupation"
"Father Samuel, minister of the church of God", the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the preist and says " very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord"
At hearing this the priest is indignant, " what, but I've been faithfully serving the lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me".
St Peter stares silently at the priest. Finally he replies, " my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as23e9/an_elderly_priest_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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99.99% of scientists claim that the Earth is, in fact, round.

Anyways, I lost my job as a scientist today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as200m/9999_of_scientists_claim_that_the_earth_is_in/
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A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.
The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, and two kids but there was an alive monkey sitting in the car.
He asks the monkey, not expecting much, what had happened. The monkey responds with a gesture of crashing. So he asks further.
“What was the Father doing?” The monkey scratches his head, nods and does a drinking gesture.
“Oh so he was drinking?” The monkey nods his head excitedly.
The officer asks, “what was the Mother doing?”
The monkey thinks for a moment, and does a mouth talking gesture.
“Bitching?” The cop guessed. The monkey with a smile nods his head in excitement.
The cop looks in the back and asks.
“What were the kids doing?” The monkey thinks a moment and starts hitting the air.
“So they were fighting?” The monkey nods his head.
Then the officer asked, “What were you doing?”
Without hesitation the monkey smiles making a steering wheel gesture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as1zox/a_cop_saw_a_car_in_the_ditch/
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Explaining a joke is a bit like an STD at an orgy

Generally everyone gets it in the end but it’s not really funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as1vr9/explaining_a_joke_is_a_bit_like_an_std_at_an_orgy/
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The story of my rugby career

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.
Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. ..
'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match.
The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt?'
'I certainly have,' I answered,
'I missed the kick.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as1olx/the_story_of_my_rugby_career/
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The bus journey

A man is going on a holiday. He is sitting in front of two old ladies who are talking away. He gets offered some raisins by one of them and she hands him a handful of raisins to which he eats up. 10 min later he gets offered the same again. This goes on for the next hour. He starts getting confused as to why they are doing this so he turns round and asks “ why you offering me so many of your raisins?”  They both say “ oh son we don’t like them” to which he replies “why buy them then?”
“Simple, we both enjoy sucking the chocolate off of them”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as1mma/the_bus_journey/
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I just blocked someone for correcting my grammar

and it feelded good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as1j7c/i_just_blocked_someone_for_correcting_my_grammar/
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What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line?

Fast food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as1h7u/what_did_soviet_russians_call_an_8hour_bread_line/
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How does a snail commit suicide?

He looks into the socket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as1fw0/how_does_a_snail_commit_suicide/
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A woman driving along passed over a bridge

only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked,
'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as1fje/a_woman_driving_along_passed_over_a_bridge/
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I'd like to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandpa.

Not in pain and screaming in terror, like the passengers on the bus he was driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as1et0/id_like_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
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Two baseball fanatics...

Jake and Johnny were the best of friends and fanatical about the game of baseball.  While watching the World Series the two pondered if baseball existed in heaven.
"You think heaven will have baseball?," asked Jake.
"I certainly hope so!," Johnny said. "Tell you what, let's make a deal.  Whoever passes through the pearly gates first comes back and lets the other know if there's baseball."
"Deal," said Jake. They shook hands and sealed the deal.
Sadly, moments later, as their team hits the game winning homerun, Jake drops dead clutching his chest. The excitement was too much.
Weeks later, Johnny was visited by the ghost of Jake. "Hey buddy!," said Jake.
A startled Johnny shook off the sudden appearance of Jake's apparition, and excitedly greeted his best friend, "Jake, you're back! How's heaven?"
"Johnny, I have good news and bad news my friend," said Jake.
Johnny grew concerned, "Um, okay.  Gimme the good news first.  It'll make the bad news seem less...bad."
"Ok," Jake replied. "The good news is there is baseball in heaven!"
Johnny cheered at knowing he will eternally be playing baseball in heaven.  "That's amazing news!  Nothing you can say next will matter."
Jake, putting a ghostly hand on Johnny's shoulder, said, "The bad news is you're the starting pitcher tomorrow ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as1edp/two_baseball_fanatics/
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Curiosity has killed so many cats

we had to exile it to a different planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as1df6/curiosity_has_killed_so_many_cats/
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What did Robert Palmer say to the light when he flipped the wrong switch?

I didn't mean to turn you on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as1bvf/what_did_robert_palmer_say_to_the_light_when_he/
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When I'm a rockstar, I'll throw feces at the audience.

So the shit will hit the fans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as1aiy/when_im_a_rockstar_ill_throw_feces_at_the_audience/
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The Thunder God astride his horse came riding from the sky.

A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He held aloft his hammer great, lightning flashed and thunder boomed!
"I AM THOR!" he cried.
His horse replied, "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as164j/the_thunder_god_astride_his_horse_came_riding/
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I know now why Trump wants to build a wall

It's been years since he managed to erect anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as134g/i_know_now_why_trump_wants_to_build_a_wall/
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I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked.

I couldn’t tell what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as12lu/i_freaked_out_the_electrician_by_opening_the_door/
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How do you clean up after a spitroast sex?

With 2-in-1 shampoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as105a/how_do_you_clean_up_after_a_spitroast_sex/
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a new cabinet

A woman buys a new cabinet. It is nailed to the wall with four nails inside. But from time to time a bus runs on the road outside of the flat and the vibrations from the traffic make the nails go loose and the cabinet falls down.
Since her husband is away at work, she asks her neighbour to help her. The neighbour says: "I will get inside the cabinet and I will see which nail gets loose first and I will handle it." He gets inside the cabinet.
"OK," says the woman. "meanwhile, I will make some coffee."
The neighbour waits for a while, but then the husband returns home from work. He sees coffee for two and a new cabinet, he looks inside the cabinet and he sees the neighbour "hiding" there.
"What are you doing here?" asks the husband angrily.
The neighbour answers: "please just slap my face, because if I tell you I am waiting for a bus, you won't believe me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as0y5f/a_new_cabinet/
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I was driving with my daughter on a beautiful sunny day this winter and I said, "I can't believe how poor the visibility is."

She said, "What do you mean? It's perfectly clear." Pointing down I said, "I can only see four feet in front of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as0xu7/i_was_driving_with_my_daughter_on_a_beautiful/
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If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss

What does smoking marijuana do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as0ulc/if_smoking_marijuana_causes_shortterm_memory_loss/
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What concert costs only $0.45?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as0tir/what_concert_costs_only_045/
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Idiot pilots - an old one if you haven't heard it . . .

Two idiot pilots are coming-in for a landing.
"Give me 10% flaps," the pilot says.
"Okay, 20% now."
"And, 30%."
"Hey it looks like we're coming in pretty fast," the co-pilot says.
"Yeah, give me 40% flaps."
"Better make that 50%."
"Whoa, this isn't gonna work, 60%, no 80%!"
"Give me 90%, give me 100!!"
The plane hits the runway, the pilot slams on the brakes, and the plane stops just inches from the edge.  The pilot wipes his brow and turns to the co-pilot.
"Wow, that's the shortest runway I've ever seen.  But, you know, it must be a mile wide."  ha ha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as0t2u/idiot_pilots_an_old_one_if_you_havent_heard_it/
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My friends always ask me what I got my significant other for Valentine's Day...

Each year I tell them I got myself a nice new pair of gloves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as0pkn/my_friends_always_ask_me_what_i_got_my/
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Why does water never laugh at jokes?

It isn’t a fan of dry humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as0ofn/why_does_water_never_laugh_at_jokes/
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Why do waiters love serving hardworking people?

Because they always give a hundred and ten percent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as0lj8/why_do_waiters_love_serving_hardworking_people/
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My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.

So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as0ldk/my_friend_cant_afford_to_pay_his_water_bill/
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A few guys tried to follow Chuck Norris during a light workout while he was vacationing in Hawaii.

It's now called the Ironman Triathlon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as0iu6/a_few_guys_tried_to_follow_chuck_norris_during_a/
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Who's the boss now?

After God created man, all parts of his body decided they'd need a boss to function efficiently. The brain stood up and claimed the title explaining its importance as an organ. The heart interfered and explained its own importance. The lungs, too, contested strongly in its own favor. It soon turned into a chaos. Meanwhile, the asshole, being tired of all the commotion, decided to stop its function. Soon after, the body started experiencing its effects. All organs turned pale and choked in the smell. Unable to bear the torture, they all gave in to the asshole. And that is why assholes get to be the boss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as0idk/whos_the_boss_now/
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Just been to the gym and there's a new machine.

Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick.  It's good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as0ia8/just_been_to_the_gym_and_theres_a_new_machine/
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I was duped into buying counterfeit The Who merchandise.

Won't get fooled again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as0e65/i_was_duped_into_buying_counterfeit_the_who/
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What's the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go to the store without Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as0ddu/whats_the_difference_between_batman_and_a_black/
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A girl is at the doctor. The doctor is about to use the stethoscope and says "Big Breath"

The girls says "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as05w4/a_girl_is_at_the_doctor_the_doctor_is_about_to/
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Steer clear if you don't like cow puns

Why are cows the most forgiving animals?
Because forgiveness is bovine.
Alternatively: because they're always ready to turn the udder cheek.
Why is it best to hug a cow right after it eats?
Because then it's extra cuddly.
I knew this guy whose favorite thing was to cover a cow's eyes. He just loved to make them low and behold.
You know what makes cow puns so great?
You can always come up with an udder one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as02sy/steer_clear_if_you_dont_like_cow_puns/
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My dog got into my leftover Chinese food

It’s a dog eat dog world out there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/as02ry/my_dog_got_into_my_leftover_chinese_food/
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An Old Couple and some Golf Balls

This couple has been married for 30 years. One day while the wife was cleaning and putting clothes away she found 3 golf balls in the mans underwear drawer and with $540 in 20 dollar bills.  She was a little puzzled because her husband never golfed a day in his life.
Later that evening while eating dinner the wife asked “Robert, while cleaning the house I saw three golf balls in your underwear drawer, why do you have those?”
Robert paused and said “Martha, I cannot lie to you. We have been married for so long, and there have times when I have been unfaithful. I have cheated on you in the past and each time I did I would buy a golf ball so as I would get dressed I would have to look at them every morning.”
Martha became upset and walked out of the room.
After some time, Martha said she was not happy with him, but seeing that it only happened three times over thirty years, she’d forgive him.
She walked backed to Robert and said, “Robert, I am saddened by what happened however I will forgive you.” Then she kissed him.
She then asked, “By the way, I saw the $540, how did you get that money, and why were you hiding it from me?”
Robert replied, “Well every time I got enough golf balls, I would put them into a basket and sell them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arzxm1/an_old_couple_and_some_golf_balls/
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Crossing the street

Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the street?
A: To get to the second-hand store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arzvg7/crossing_the_street/
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The world's loudest masturbator has just been apprehended by police...

and he won't cum quietly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arzsw5/the_worlds_loudest_masturbator_has_just_been/
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My wife told me to stop singing "I'm A Believer" or she'd kill me. I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arzkm7/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_singing_im_a_believer_or/
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Why was the tomato so red?

Because it saw the salad dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arzenr/why_was_the_tomato_so_red/
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What's green and will kill you if it falls from a tree?

A fucking pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arzc40/whats_green_and_will_kill_you_if_it_falls_from_a/
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I heard that the Brexit may not make such a big mess after all

But Theresa May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arz8wy/i_heard_that_the_brexit_may_not_make_such_a_big/
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I've been told I have the body of a Greek God.

Too bad it's Dionysus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arz8of/ive_been_told_i_have_the_body_of_a_greek_god/
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Three men climb to the diving pad at a swimming pool.

A fairy appeared there and grants them a wish each. Three men think for a while then the first one jumps and wishes for beer and all of a sudden the pool is brimming with beer. Second one jumps and wishes for money and the pool is brimming with dollar bills. Third one is about to jump but slips says "Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arz6vd/three_men_climb_to_the_diving_pad_at_a_swimming/
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So, a guy is at the Superbowl championship game when he notices the seat next to his is empty.

He finds this very odd but forgets about it quickly. A little bit later he notices that the seat is still empty. He tries to forget about it and focus on the game. An empty seat at the Superbowl is just too weird though. He then asks the guy in the seat two seats over if he knows what's up with the empty seat. The guy says that the empty seat was meant for his wife who had passed away. The other guy says he is sorry to hear that but didn't he have a friend or family member that he could have given the ticket to? The widower says "Yes, but they are all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arywa2/so_a_guy_is_at_the_superbowl_championship_game/
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A blonde, brunette, and redhead are all running from these police officers.

They find a shack that has 3 potato sacks in it and decide to hide there in the sacks. The police officers find the shack and see the sacks.
They kick the first one with the brunette in it. She says "Meow, meow!". So they think it's a cat in there.
They move on and kick the second one with the redhead in it. She says "Ruff, ruff!, and they think it's a dog in it.
So they kick the last one with the blonde in it and she says "Potato, potato!"
After that, they escaped Into the jungle. And each one runs up a tree. The police officers are hot on their tail, and they unleash the dogs. The dogs run up to the Brunette’s tree, and start barking. Thinking quickly, the brunette says “Hissss hissss”.
“Stupid dogs! It’s just a snake!”
On to the Redhead’s tree they go and the dogs bark even louder and more aggressively! Not wanting to be caught, the Red Head says “CAWWW, CAWWW”
“Stupid dogs! It’s just a bird!”
The police officers drag their dogs away until they start barking on the blonde’s tree, ravenously trying to climb it and savagely barking. The blonde thanks for a bit, and realizes she has to deter the dogs like the others did. So, the blonde says “Moooooooo”.
Obviously, the police catch all three of them on account of the blonde being so stupid. They are sentenced to death so, the police officers line them up against the wall, and pick up their rifles.
“All right you scum, any last words?”
The brunette screams “Look out for the tornado!”
The police officers quickly turn as the brunette runs away. They’re not happy, but they still have two of the criminals. “All right, any last words?”
The redhead points and screams “A flood!”
The police officers turn as the redhead runs away. As the police officers are turning back towards the blonde, she points and screams “Fire!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aryo8t/a_blonde_brunette_and_redhead_are_all_running/
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I once won a fight that was five against one.

We really kicked the shit out of that guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arynlg/i_once_won_a_fight_that_was_five_against_one/
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What kind of cancer do gnomes get?

Mela-gnome-a
Written by Ruby, age 7 (almost 8). Surprisingly dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arynk2/what_kind_of_cancer_do_gnomes_get/
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Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump

I said: “Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arym0c/once_i_saw_this_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
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What does the Jewish alchemist do in his spare time?

Hebrew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aryjpa/what_does_the_jewish_alchemist_do_in_his_spare/
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The Trophy Wife

This guy is so sick of his hot trophy wife always asking for money.
So the next time she comes and asks him for some money he says "I'm not giving you any more money until you make some money for yourself."
So the next day he comes home from work and his wife says "I did it.  I made money.  I made $230.50!"
He says "Wow.  How did you do that?"
She says "Easy:  Prostitution."
So now he looks kind of perplexed he says "Who paid 50 cents?"
She says "Everybody!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aryjlr/the_trophy_wife/
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Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night.

In the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued until dawn. The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad." Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated, "Drums good. When drums stop, VERY bad."
This continued for several days, until one morning the drumming suddenly stopped and all the natives panicked and ran screaming. One of the campers asked the guide "What's the matter?"
The guide, looking very frightened, said: "When drums stop, VERY, VERY bad,".
"Why is it bad?" asked a member of the safari.
"Because when drums stop, bass solo begin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aryeki/deep_in_the_african_jungle_a_safari_was_camped/
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I cry every time after sex

I hate prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arycyx/i_cry_every_time_after_sex/
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Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”
“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.
“I don’t remember.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aryc1w/arthur_is_75_years_old_hes_played_golf_every_day/
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A priest, rapist, and child molester enters a bar.....

...and he orders a drink.
^Credit: ^u/frank_under_w00d

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arybt8/a_priest_rapist_and_child_molester_enters_a_bar/
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A Pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his dong.
The bartender asks “Holy crap, doesn’t that hurt?”
The pirate replies, “Arrrr, it’s driving me nuts!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ary8mt/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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I woke up feeling so animated this morning.

Probably because the curtains were drawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ary4jg/i_woke_up_feeling_so_animated_this_morning/
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My girlfriend said to me, "I know you've been cheating on me with that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."

I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ary2fe/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_i_know_youve_been/
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Have there been any new advances in anti-itch skin creams?

It just seems like we've only scratched the surface.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arxx9o/have_there_been_any_new_advances_in_antiitch_skin/
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I’m just milking it now.

Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arxt9w/im_just_milking_it_now/
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Somebody stole my ruler.

My disappointment is immeasurable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arxn3z/somebody_stole_my_ruler/
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I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arxmtl/i_completed_another_lap_around_the_sun_but_i_only/
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What happens when a red pirate ship and a brown pirate ship meet on a deserted island?

They get marooned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arxmlq/what_happens_when_a_red_pirate_ship_and_a_brown/
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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except a...” said the old man, and then he stopped.
“Except what?” asked the businessman.
“Nothing, nothing,” said the old man.
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dildo,’” the old man said.
“The voodoo dildo?” the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”
The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”
He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dildo, the door.”
The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dildo, box!”
The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.
The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.”
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing her.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arxjb2/a_businessman_is_getting_ready_to_go_on_a_long/
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Kentucky Freud Chicken

Mother Fucking Good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arxf2a/kentucky_freud_chicken/
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What do you call a game that antivaxxed children play?

Marco Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arxbb2/what_do_you_call_a_game_that_antivaxxed_children/
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Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arx9ot/do_las_vegas_churches_accept_gambling_chips/
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A newfie was walking up the wharf with a small lobster in each hand.

He was half way up to his truck when he saw a fishery officer approaching him.
"Ha we got ya now buddy, that's a $10000 fine in each hand!" exclaimed the officer.
"Naw these aint no ordinary lobsters b'y, dese are me pet lobsters!" George said calmly.
"I takes em for a dip here e'ry day me son."
"I pops em in, and when I'm ready to go I just whistle and Glen and Percy crawl right to me boot."
The officer (fresh out of Toronto) who hated being made a fool replied, "Ok, then prove it."
George walked to the shore released the lobsters one by one, watched them swim for a bit then turned around and started walking back up the wharf.
The officer spun around, ran up to him and said, "Hey, get back there and call them lobsters back!"
George stopped, looked him right in the eyes with a confused look on his face and said, "Lobsters? What lobsters?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arx891/a_newfie_was_walking_up_the_wharf_with_a_small/
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Following a particularly good year, the circus decided to spend their profits on a human cannonball exhibit...

After the cannon was delivered, they realized the that the manufacturer got the dimensions all wrong.  The barrel was so narrow that only a child could fit inside, and a child would never be allowed to perform such a dangerous act.
Months went by and the cannon remained unused, until one day the manager noticed an incredibly skinny man in the audience.  After some negotiating the skinny man signed on with the circus.  Not only did he fit in the canon, but he was a natural.  The new exhibit soon became the main attraction.
Getting shot out of a cannon night after night began to take a toll on the new star's body, until eventually he'd had enough.  "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to resign", he told the manager.
"You can't quit!" the manager exclaimed, "I'll never find another performer of your caliber."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arx4bq/following_a_particularly_good_year_the_circus/
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I've been to the dentist so many times!

I know the drill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arx3to/ive_been_to_the_dentist_so_many_times/
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I tried to be a sociopath, but I’m not too good in manipulating people.

I’m more of a so-so path.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arx2z3/i_tried_to_be_a_sociopath_but_im_not_too_good_in/
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A blond girl , brunet girl, and black haired girl die and start their journey up to heaven.

Now to get to heaven these girls have to go up 100 steps. On each step there is a joke. If you laugh at a joke you fall straight to hell.
Now the brunet girl gets to about 25 steps then laughs hysterically at a joke about a dyslexic man.
The black haired girl goes much farther to about step 75 but then let's out a little chuckle at a joke about a cowboy.
But the blond girl almost goes all the way until she was just about to step on the 100th step and then she begins to laugh. God asks her "why are you laughing you were just about to make it into heaven."
"Because, I finally got the first joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arx2s2/a_blond_girl_brunet_girl_and_black_haired_girl/
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The ad said, "Answers! $50. No questions asked."

So I handed the guy 50 bucks, he said "no" and walked away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arx13n/the_ad_said_answers_50_no_questions_asked/
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Moses,Jesus and a bearded man go golfing one day...

Moses tees off and gives the ball an almighty whack. The ball flies through the air, spins and falls towards a water hazard. Just as the ball is landing, Moses parts the waters and the ball rolls onto the green.
Jesus goes next. He hits the ball straight towards the water again, but just before the ball splashes into the water, Jesus walks out and carefully chips the ball onto the green.
Finally, it's the bearded man's turn. He steps out and hits the ball, which flies towards the lake. In the nick of time, a frog grabs the ball with its mouth but then gets lifted into the air by an eagle. The frog opens its mouth in surprise, letting the ball drop towards the ground where it hits a passing truck and bounces into the hole. Hole in one!
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate golfing with your dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arx0mv/mosesjesus_and_a_bearded_man_go_golfing_one_day/
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I woke up this morning and realised I couldn't stand Up.

But then I realised I can't stand most Pixar movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arwxtq/i_woke_up_this_morning_and_realised_i_couldnt/
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Women are allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia now, however they can only turn left ...

Because you know... There are no women's rights there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arwxkn/women_are_allowed_to_drive_in_saudi_arabia_now/
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Youtube was taken offline by the courts today for their search algorithm was facilitating paedophelia.

Their lawyers appealed the verdict immediately. But they only got an automated answer that told them to reapply in 30 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arws5t/youtube_was_taken_offline_by_the_courts_today_for/
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I,m 6 feet 3 inches

But those two measurements are separate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arwnbo/im_6_feet_3_inches/
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Password to Heaven

A husband and wife involved in an accident dies one after the other and arrived at the Pearly Gates. He meets St. Peter and asks how to get to heaven. St. Peter replies, “God, is really a loving God and wants everybody to go to heaven, so I will just ask you to spell correctly a simple word and you go to heaven, so spell ‘love’.” He spells love correctly walks through the gates, but St. Peter tells him: “I have an emergency, so take over my place for a few minutes and just asks the next comer to spell a word. Just then his wife comes up the Pearly Gates and asks, “George, why are you already on the other side and how do I get to Heaven?” He replies: “God is a loving God and wants everyone to go to Heaven, so just spell a simple word and you are in.” She says: “So, George what is the word, tell me.” He replies: “isonicotinylhydrazide.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arwm7m/password_to_heaven/
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I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off

I think I was being stalked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arwliy/i_received_a_bunch_of_flowers_for_valentines_day/
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A jew and a goy are seated together in a train compartment. No one else joins them and as the train gets underway, the goy decides to engage the jew in a conversation.

The goy asks the jew all sorts of questions about his religion. The jew patiently answers them all.
Eventually they take out their pack lunches and continue the conversation. The goy asks:
« Why is it you people are so smart? »
The jew thinks about it for a while and responds:
« Must be our diet. »
The goy looks over at the jew’s lunch and sees a bunch of sardines. The goy comments:
« Ah yes, I’ve heard eating fish is good for the brains. But you jews aren’t the only ones who eat fish. Couldn’t account for why you people are especially clever. »
The jew looks at the goy for a while, then he seems to make up his mind.
« Ok, I like you so I’ll let you in on a little secret. It’s eating the heads that make us so smart. But not just any fish heads, they have to be prepared in a special way. »
The goy takes that in and then asks:
« Um, could I try one of yours? »
« Oh my friend, these are very special fish prepared with my mothers secret recipe. I can’t just give them out like candy. »
The goy, determined, offered the jew what he thought he wanted:
« I’ll pay for it! »
The jew seems affronted but then considers it.
« Well, I wouldn’t let them go for less than $100 a head. »
The goy is startled but stays determined and pays him for one. He starts chewing the head and bits get stuck in his teeth and his gums start bleeding but he powers through. He sits there, thinking and recovering, finally declaring :
« I don’t feel any smarter. »
« Well, you have to eat a few more before feeling smarter. »
« Fine! Give me more!! »
Finally, after having spent $300 more, the goy’s gums in tatters, even his tongue is bleeding, he sits there red-faced and breathing heavily.
After 10 minutes, he turns angrily to the jew and says:
« I don’t feel any smarter at all! I think this was a scam!!! »
The jew smiles:
« Aha, you see! It works! You’re smarter already! »
Creds to my dad. He knew 3 jokes. This was one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arwipc/a_jew_and_a_goy_are_seated_together_in_a_train/
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Yo momma is so fat....

That I pictured her in my head and that bitch broke my neck...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arwehf/yo_momma_is_so_fat/
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If all dogs go to heaven, then all cats must go to...

Purrgatory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arwe97/if_all_dogs_go_to_heaven_then_all_cats_must_go_to/
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50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair.  Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight.  "Its only 50 dollars" he would say.  Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.
On their 46th trip to the state Fair James asked to go on the helicopter flight, and Lucille told him that 50 dollars was still 50 dollars.
The helicopter pilot heard their conversation and felt a bit sorry for James.  He approached them and told them that he would give them both a ride for free if neither one said a word for the whole flight.  If either one said a single word he would charge them the 50 dollars.  James and Lucille agree.
The pilot takes off and climbs as fast as he can and immediately goes into a dive, but he doesn't hear a word from the couple.  He flys in circles, climbs and dives, zigs, zags, and everything in between.  The couple never say a word.  Finally he lands the helicopter.
Over the head set he says "I'm really impressed.  I did every thing I could to get a reaction from you two."
James says "well, I almost told you to stop when Lucille fell out, but hey, 50 doolars is 50 dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arwacu/50_dollars_is_50_dollars/
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What was the difference between Lorena Bobbitt and Bob Barker?

Bob Barker was a slick pricer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arw79q/what_was_the_difference_between_lorena_bobbitt/
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People say nothing is impossible

But, I do nothing everyday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arw6kw/people_say_nothing_is_impossible/
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say the punchline first

how to ruin a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arw1mw/say_the_punchline_first/
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What do you call an Italian ghetto?

A spaghetto!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arvxts/what_do_you_call_an_italian_ghetto/
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Two men die and arrived in heaven

Curious as to why others are here, they struck up a conversation.
Man 1: “ Bro how did you die?”
Man 2: “Due to cold, and you?”
Man 1: “ I doubted my girlfriend with another guy, searched the entire house but found none. I felt too guilty and committed suicide.”
Man 2: “ Lol, I was in the fridge”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arvv2p/two_men_die_and_arrived_in_heaven/
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Dutch joke about Belgians

Three international construction workers are working on a skyscraper in Rotterdam. A German, a Belgian, and a Dutch guy.
Every noon they eat their respective lunches at the top of the unfinished tower. The German guy opens up his lunchbox and sighs: "Bratwurst und Kartofflen, I hate Bratwurst und Kartofflen, if I get Bratwurst und Kartofflen tomorrow I will throw myself of this tower". The Dutch guy opens up his lunchbox, sees to his dismay bread with cheese, and says: "I hate bread with cheese, if I see it tomorrow in my lunch box I will jump after you!". Finally, the Belgian guy opens up his lunchbox and not one to let his co-workers outdo him says: "Amai, sandwiches with jelly! I always have sandwiches with jelly, if I get them tomorrow I will jump off the building with you guys."
The next day around noon, the three construction workers sit nervously on the top of the building. The German is the first to open his lunchbox, sees a Bratwurst, stands up and says: "Scheisse, Bratwurst!" and jumps of the building. Both the Dutch and the Belgian guy turn a little pale. But the Dutch guy opens his lunchbox and reveals the sandwiches with cheese on them. He too jumps off the roof. The Belgian guy, at last, opens up his lunchbox, sees the sandwiches with jelly, swears, and follows his two co-workers towards his death.
At their mutual funeral their wifes meet and complain about their husbands, the German wife says: "Ach gutte, Had my Hans said he didn't like Bratwurst, I would have given him anything else for his lunch" and the Dutch wife answers: "Indeed, if Kees would have liked something else I would have made him something else", to which the Belgian wife says: "I Don't understand, if Thomas didn't like jelly, why didn't he put something else on his sandwiches?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arvuo0/dutch_joke_about_belgians/
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joke

Do you know why birds sing in the morning ?
Because they don't have to go to fucking work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arvs32/joke/
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I was extremely tired and walked into a police officer the other day.

Ended up being guilty of resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arvmoh/i_was_extremely_tired_and_walked_into_a_police/
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I organised a support group meeting for individuals with erectile dysfunction.

Though around 20 people registered, many couldn't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arvk14/i_organised_a_support_group_meeting_for/
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Poltergeists

I wrote a book about poltergeists...
..its been flying off the shelves!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arvenz/poltergeists/
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When I was in Africa, I decided to play a little pokemon go until a young black boy stole my phone and ran off with it.

Oh well,
Gotta catch Jemal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arv98d/when_i_was_in_africa_i_decided_to_play_a_little/
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Why did the robot need viagra?

His disk was floppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arv7x8/why_did_the_robot_need_viagra/
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My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.

I'm the real part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aruvip/my_relationship_with_my_girlfriend_is_quite/
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Whose going to know?

There was a pastor at a local church who loved to golf, he would try to golf as much as possible whenever he could. He would always watch out for the weather to check if there were any days for golfing.
Now, it so happened that one of the days was the coming Sunday. So, the pastor called in sick instead of preaching and had a junior pastor substitute for him.
The local golf course had a nasty 18th hole, most golfers had a 2 handicap on it, even professionals would balk at this hole, a hole in one was never heard of ever.
So our pastor is happily teeing off and scribbling his scores and having a jolly good time instead of preaching. The angel Gabriel sees him and gets angry and goes to God.
Gabriel: My Lord this fool has forsaken his flock to pursue his foolish entertainment. You should punish him.
God: Hmmmm, all in time.
Meanwhile our pastor has completed the 17th hole and is doing better than usual and is beside himself as he readies to tee off for the 18th.
Gab: This is the last hole Lord, please show your fury. Blast this ignorant man with lightning.
God: Hmmmmmm
Our pastor tees off and the stroke is brilliant, the ball sails like it has wings and the wind is under it and like a miracle drops on the green and rolls right into the hole. A hole in one, the impossible.
Our pastor jumps in joy, has tears in his eyes and is literally going crazy.
Gab: Lord, what was that, I know you did that. You should punish him.
God: This was punishment.
Gab: This was no less than the greatest reward in his life.
God: Think about it my child. Who is he going to tell?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aruvb8/whose_going_to_know/
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An irritable old man runs into a kid on a narrow path

The path isn't wide enough for two people to go side by side. The grumpy old man, who hates kids, refuses to move to the side, and says "I don't give way to assholes".
"That's ok, I do", says the kid and lets the old man cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aruu64/an_irritable_old_man_runs_into_a_kid_on_a_narrow/
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Once, a third grade teacher had to teach SexEd to her class.

She had never taught it before and decided to start of by drawing a penis on the whiteboard. She asks the class,” Anyone know what this is?”
A boy raised his hand and exclaimed,” I know what that is! My father has 2!”
The teacher was confused and asked the the child, “ Are you sure?”
The boy replied,” Yes! My father has a short and skinny one when he goes into the bathroom and a long and big one when he uses it to brush the babysitter’s teeth!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arutrf/once_a_third_grade_teacher_had_to_teach_sexed_to/
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Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.

He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him.
“Congratulations Harry,” his boss said. “I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for 22 years, and I’m sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.”
“But, I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” Harry said.
“Yeah I know,” his boss said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arurjh/harry_was_finally_a_groom_and_was_very_excited/
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I'm thinking about getting a job in radio.

All my friends say I've got the voice for radio.
And all my exes say I've got the face for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arupws/im_thinking_about_getting_a_job_in_radio/
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After enquiring about the rent on a beautiful new apartment I was considering, I was informed...

...that, Sir, this is a liquor store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aruphs/after_enquiring_about_the_rent_on_a_beautiful_new/
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I burned 2,000 calories today...

I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aruoio/i_burned_2000_calories_today/
%
[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"
She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"
.
.
.
.
.
I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aruexp/nsfw_i_took_a_girl_back_to_my_place_last_night/
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Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake.
One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aruclm/once_upon_a_time_there_were_three_kingdoms_all/
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John is invited to meet the Pope.

John is very anxious about the meeting. He spends hours picking the right suit and making sure his hair looks just right. After what seems like an eternity, John is satisfied with his appearance.
When John arrives to meet the Pope there are about 50 other people in line ahead of him, so John waits patiently at the back of the line.
Then the Pope walks into the room and begins working his way down the line. He gives the first man his blessing, then the second and third.
John noticed the fourth man in line appeared to be homeless. He had a filthy, well-worn jacket and dirty, unkempt hair. John also noticed that instead of giving this man his blessing, the Pope gave him a hug. Then the Pope moved on to give the fifth man his blessing and so on.
Well, John didn’t just want a blessing from the Pope when he could get a hug! So he flags down the homeless man and offers him $200 for his jacket. The homeless man agrees and John quickly changes into the raggedy garb and does his best to quickly undo the work he had put into his hair that morning. Before you knew it, John appeared to be homeless as well.
The Pope, now having worked his way down the line, is now looking directly at John. The Pope then leans in as if to give John a hug. John, very excited, leans in to hug the Pope.
The Pope then whispers in John’s ear “I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aruclj/john_is_invited_to_meet_the_pope/
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Robert Johnson, a CEO for a large corporation, is arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison for white collar crimes.

On his first day behind bars, Robert nervously walks into the Chow Hall at lunch time and starts taking in the scenery. Realizing that he’s going to spend the next 25 years surrounded by murderers, rapists, and other violent criminals, he uncomfortably gets his tray of food and starts looking for a place to sit.
An older man, who looked to be in his 60’s, motioned the CEO over and invited him to sit, to which he obliges. The older man says “my name is Walt. Son, I can see how nervous you are, but try and relax. Daily life on the inside isn’t nearly as scary as you’ve seen in the movies. There’ll be some bad days, but for the most part, it’s relatively peaceful.” Robert thanks him and takes a deep breath and starts eating his lunch.
About 5 minutes pass by and another prisoner stands up and yells “23!” The entire chow hall breaks out into laughter. Robert looks around, slightly startled. A few minutes later another prisoner stands up and yells “16!” Again, laughter breaks out. Another 5 minutes pass and someone stands up and yells “144!” The prison is almost hysterical with laughter, even the guards are starting to laugh.
Understandably, this confuses Robert so he asks Walt “what’s going on? Why is everyone laughing over numbers?” Walt replies “you see, most of us are here for life. At this point, we’ve heard every joke in the book a million times. So, to save time, we have decided to number every joke. When someone stands up and yells a number, we know which joke they’re referring to, and it makes us laugh.”
Robert sees this as his opportunity to fit in, so he says “you know what? I’m going to give it a shot.” So Robert stand up and confidently yells “74!” The whole place is silent. Robert is taken aback, but he tries again “35!” Again there’s silence. Everyone is just staring at Robert. He uncomfortably clears his throat and tries one more time “154?” Still nothing.
Defeated, Robert sits back down. Robert looks at Walt and says “I don’t understand what happened.” Walt replies “sorry man, some people just can’t tell a joke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aru79a/robert_johnson_a_ceo_for_a_large_corporation_is/
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The targeted junk email I get seems to be aimed at the wrong guy..

They really need to update their database, they seem to all think I want to own a rolex, am desperately single enough to want a Russian Bride, have a really small penis, mounting debt, and should refinance my home.
Crazy right?
I don't own a home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aru23y/the_targeted_junk_email_i_get_seems_to_be_aimed/
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The Puppy

A little boy and his father were driving down the road one day when the little boy saw two dogs mating. He asked his father what they were doing the father replied “They are making a puppy.”
A few days later, the little boy walked in on his parents mid-missionary. He once again asked his dad what they were doing. His dad replied “We are making a baby.”
The little boy thinks for a second and then says “Well hell Dad, flip her over. I would prefer to have a puppy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/artyfy/the_puppy/
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An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese walk into a bar.

The topic of WW2 comes up and the Frenchman says to the American, "Dropping two atomic bombs on Japan was a terrible mistake." The Chinese nods. "You should have dropped more than two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/artwgx/an_american_a_frenchman_and_a_chinese_walk_into_a/
%
I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation

So I just came in my pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/artvfs/i_didnt_know_what_to_wear_to_my_premature/
%
The Blonde in the Boat

A blonde was driving down a country road when she spotted another blonde sitting in a row boat in the middle of a corn field. Being miffed by the ridiculousness of this situation, she pulled her car over and proceeded to yell at the other blonde, “You know, it’s blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim, I would come out there and beat you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/artrpn/the_blonde_in_the_boat/
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I kinda stole this

The worst part about liking classical music is when you forget the name of a piece and you can't google the lyrics because there are none
⚠️ No Results For "there was a really good bit with a flute"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/artqvb/i_kinda_stole_this/
%
Why do kindergarten teachers have bad eyesight?

Because their pupils are small.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/artm06/why_do_kindergarten_teachers_have_bad_eyesight/
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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/artlbb/on_the_outskirts_of_a_small_town_there_was_a_big/
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A Poor Man asks A Rich Man

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/artan9/a_poor_man_asks_a_rich_man/
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An edited version of a joke that’s been already posted.

A proton, a neutron, and an electron got into a bar fight.
The bartender called the police, but when the officers arrived, they only arrested the proton. Confused, the bartender asked, “why did you only arrest the proton?”
To which one of the officers replied, “well you see, the electron kept running around the proton like a madman, so we couldn’t know its exact location. And no one can press charges on the neutron.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/artag4/an_edited_version_of_a_joke_thats_been_already/
%
I can only get laid by prostitutes.

I’m a buysexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/art57p/i_can_only_get_laid_by_prostitutes/
%
The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.”

Two time travelers walk into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/art1zs/the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
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I'll never know what LGBT stands for.

Every time I ask I can never get a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/art1of/ill_never_know_what_lgbt_stands_for/
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My friend in Africa was complaining about the lack of drinking water in his village.

So I sent him a Get Well Soon card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arstmr/my_friend_in_africa_was_complaining_about_the/
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Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea

Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arss59/naming_a_bridge_after_chuck_norris_is_a_really/
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Little Johnny's First Grade teacher asks her class to present something exciting that happened over the summer

and of course, there's the usual stories of going to the beach, taking a trip to the amusement park, etc. Finally, little Johnny's turn comes up, and he walks to the front of the class and draws a single dot on the board. The teacher, confused, asks little Johnny what he's presenting. "It's a period." Johnny says. "Yes, I can see that... but... what's so exciting about a period?" the teacher asks. Little Johnny shrugs, saying "heck if I know, but my sister said she missed one, and mommy cried, Dad started screaming, and the old man across the street shot himself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arsnkj/little_johnnys_first_grade_teacher_asks_her_class/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arshws/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
"Hello, I'm Peter, professional pickpocket."

...said the man as he handed me my business card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arsfjp/hello_im_peter_professional_pickpocket/
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What's the difference between Jesus and the Mona Lisa?

Takes **ONE** nail to hang the Mona Lisa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ars78o/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_the_mona/
%
Where do bad dad joke tellers get sent?

To the punitentiary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ars5xq/where_do_bad_dad_joke_tellers_get_sent/
%
What do little kids call trail mix?

M&M’s with *obstacles*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ars479/what_do_little_kids_call_trail_mix/
%
It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."

I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ars3p0/it_was_late_at_night_and_my_car_was_running_on/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She was surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ars18q/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
%
So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere

That’s it... that’s the whole fucking joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ars0b6/so_this_guy_with_premature_ejaculation_comes_out/
%
Never criticise someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, they'll be too far away to hear you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arrw9r/never_criticise_someone_until_youve_walked_a_mile/
%
What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia?

A clitortise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arrs02/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_turtle_and_female/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

The pee is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arrrxt/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Genocide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arrqdl/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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Jesus take the wheel

Carlos and Jose help me carry the sofa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arri8x/jesus_take_the_wheel/
%
A pastors wife goes to the fish market

She’s looking to make fillets for dinner and asks the guy behind the counter for a suggestion.
“I’d recommend this right here, ma’am. It’s new to the market.”
“What kind of fish is it?” She asks.
“It’s dam fish, ma’am.”
The pastors wife abruptly says. “How dare you use that kind of language around a Pastors wife!”
The guy behind the counter calms her down and says. “No, no ma’am. This is a new breed of fish that live down at the local roller dam. So we call it Dam fish.”
The pastors wife understands, buys 3 fillets, and heads home to start cooking. As she’s cooking the pastor comes home and says.
“Something smells delicious hunny! What are ya cooking!?”
The wife says. “Dam Fish.”
The pastor freaks out and says. “I cannot believe I’m hearing profanity out of a pastors wife! How dare you!”
The pastors wife calms her husband down and says. “No, no honey! The man at the market told me this is a new breed of fish found at the local roller dam. So they call it Dam fish.”
The pastor understands and apologizes. The wife then calls their son down to eat.
The pastor starts to load up his plate and says. “This is a fine looking meal honey. Could you pass me some of that Dam fish.”
The son lights up! Slaps his dads back and says. “That’s the spirit Dad! While your at it Mom, pass me the f***ing potatoes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arrhqt/a_pastors_wife_goes_to_the_fish_market/
%
Communism

Everyone should have known communism would fail, there were a lot of red flags!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arrh7x/communism/
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There are two kinds of people in this world

1. People who masturbate
2. Liars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arreci/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
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What do you call a person who likes geometry and farming?

A pro-tractor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arrcw5/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_likes_geometry_and/
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I pulled a lil sneaky on ya

A boy and a girl are standing by a flagpole. The boy asks the girl to climb up the pole, and take the flag down. She does so, and then gives the flag to the boy. The girl goes home later that day, and tells her mother what happened. Her mother responds with: "Oh, dear, that boy was just trying to look at your underwear."
The girl and boy are in the same situation the next day, and the same thing happens. The girl goes home, and tells her mother what happened. The mother responds the same way, but then the girl says: "No, it's okay mom. Today, I didn't wear any underwear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arr6be/i_pulled_a_lil_sneaky_on_ya/
%
A pastor and and an airline pilot meet St Nick at the Gates to Heaven. The airline pilot is first to approach the saint

Peter: Name and profession please
Pilot: John Williams, Ryanair pilot.
Peter: *riffles through a massive book* John Williams...John Williams... umm... ah yes!
Peter: clicks his fingers and a beautiful silk robe and ornate golden staff appear out of thin air.
Peter: please take these, and you may enter the kingdom of heaven!
Pilot: alright! *takes robe and staff and runs through the gate.
Pastor approaches
Peter: Name and profession please
Pastor: Frederick Adams, pastor, preacher, religious leader.
Peter: Frederick... Adams... pastor... yes... here you are
Peter snaps his fingers and a simple cotton robe and plain wooden staff appear.
Peter: Please take these, and you may enter the kingdom of heaven!
The pastor pauses, and chooses his words carefully.
Pastor: St Peter, I really don’t mean any disrespect, and I trust and have faith in his ways... but why does John, an airline pilot, of all people, get a golden staff and silk robe, and I, a man who had dedicated his life to god,  get a cotton robe and wooden staff?
Peter: Oh, well you see, here in heaven, we work on a merit system, and when you were preaching, people were sleeping.
But when John was flying, people were praying!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arr18h/a_pastor_and_and_an_airline_pilot_meet_st_nick_at/
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A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free of sin".
Eager to return to their lives the men all agree, and *POOF* they appear back on Earth. They stand awestruck, wondering if what they had just experienced was real or just a dream. The thief notices a woman walking with an expensive looking purse. Convinced that he had only imagined the gates of heaven he rushes and attempts to steal the purse and *POOF* he disappears. Realizing what just happened the others understand that they must truly live without sin. The Irishman looks to his left and sees a pub.
"One drink won't hurt" he says as he orders a pint. He lifts the cup to his lips and *POOF* he disappears. The Jewish schoolboy looks down and sees a coin that fell from the vanishing Irishman's pocket. He bends down to pick it up, fully aware that greed is a sin, and *POOF* the priest disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arr0ta/a_priest_a_thief_a_jewish_schoolboy_and_irishman/
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A guy loses his right arm and he's considering to take his life

He walks by the subway station waiting for the moment when the train arrives to the station to make a leap of faith into the train rails.
When the train is about to arrive he sees a guy without both of his arms coming down from the stairs, dancing jumping and spinning around.
He approaches him and asks him:
-"You sir, you have just given me a second thought about my life, you have inspired me to keep hanging in there, and to continue with my life. I was about to jump because I just lost my good arm at an accident and you come down from the stairs, happy, jumping and dancing all around, with no arms, I just wanna say thank you, and if you dont mind that I ask you, how do you do it? How can you be so happy in your condition?"
-"Has your ass never itched?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqv3l/a_guy_loses_his_right_arm_and_hes_considering_to/
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How would Donald Trump have said "grab em by the p***y" if he was a Communist?

SEIZE THE MEANS OF REPRODUCTION

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqssg/how_would_donald_trump_have_said_grab_em_by_the/
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What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

A do-you-think-he-saurus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqquy/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_with_no_eyes/
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Western

A cowboy stops in a small town,in the wild wild west at a bar. He lets his horse outside to eat and drink..he goes inside the bar, orders a whisky...he barely takes a sip when he hears
"Ey...hey...ey look out for your horse.."
He rushes out...his horse eating some grass..no one near it..
Goes back inside and in anger shoots 2 random folks. Goes back to his drink..barely takes a sip and..
"Hey...he's gonna take your horse..be careful!"
Rushes back outside...his horse is drinking some water..enjoying the shade..
Goes back inside the bar...shoots 3 random people. In anger goes back to his whisky and he hears again
"Dude...your horse...it's almost gone!"...
Then a random guy in the bar shouts
"HEY GUYS, CUT IT OUT WITH YOUR GODDAMN CHESS OR WE'LL ALL GONNA DIE HERE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqow3/western/
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Pope Francis dies and goes to Heaven

An Archangel awaits him. The Archangel asks who he is:
The Pope: "I am the Pope."
Archangel: "Who? THere's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of GOd on Earth."
Archangel: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..."
Archangel: "The Catholic Church.... never heard of it... wait, I'll check with the boss."
The Archangel walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
Archangel: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I'll ask Jesus. " (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?"
God and the archangel explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with the fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes the archangel asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqmmo/pope_francis_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Why did they stop the leper hockey game?

There was a face off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqmas/why_did_they_stop_the_leper_hockey_game/
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How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?

When it turns guaca-moldy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqk6k/how_do_you_know_when_guacamole_has_gone_bad/
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What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqjui/what_is_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards into water?

Because if they fell forward they'd fall in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqj54/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_into_water/
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Tinder can learn a lot from Uber...

It's much easier to find a ride on Uber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqiba/tinder_can_learn_a_lot_from_uber/
%
A man in a bar walks up to the bartender...

...and says, pointing to an empty glass at the other end of the bar, "you see that glass over there? I bet you $500 that I stand right here and piss in that glass without spilling a single drop".
The bartender looks at the glass, which is about 5 meters away, turns to the guy and says "you have yourself a bet".
So the guy flops out his cock and starts to piss, but it gets nowhere near the glass. He pisses on the floor, the bar, it splashes on the bartender - his piss goes everywhere except the glass, and the bartender just stands there laughing at him.
When he finishes, the bartender says to him "well, I think you owe me $500".
The guy says "no problem, give me one moment", and walks over to a group of guys sitting at a table. He has a short conversation with them and then walks back to the bartender with a big smile on his face.
Chuckling to himself, he hands the bartender $500, who says "what are you so happy about, you just lost $500".
And the guy says "you see that group of guys sitting over there? I just bet them $2000 a-piece that I could piss on your floor, piss on your bar and piss on you. And not only wouldn't you be mad about it - you'd be happy!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqhei/a_man_in_a_bar_walks_up_to_the_bartender/
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Husband goes golfing every Saturday morning with the same foursome.

But he’s always home by 2 o’clock so his wife puts up with it.
This one Saturday, 2 o’clock comes and goes. Three, four, five; still not home.
Finally at 6 o’clock he comes staggering through the front door. He’s dirty, he’s sweaty, he looks totally exhausted.
His wife exclaims, “Oh my God! What happened to you?”
“Honey, it was terrible! There we were on the first tee and Harry fell over dead from a heart attack.”
“That’s terrible!” she said.
“Tell me!” he says.  “All day long, it’s take a shot, drag Harry! Take a shot, drag Harry!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqge1/husband_goes_golfing_every_saturday_morning_with/
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Why were children used as chimney sweepers during the victorian era?

They were the only ones soot-able for that type of job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqezf/why_were_children_used_as_chimney_sweepers_during/
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Today i saw a kid getting beaten up at school by 4 bullys so i decided to take a step

This fucker got no chance versus 5 of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqc66/today_i_saw_a_kid_getting_beaten_up_at_school_by/
%
Told my Asian dad my blood type is B+

He was so disappointed..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arqaro/told_my_asian_dad_my_blood_type_is_b/
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do you think this is a good one

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arq2uz/do_you_think_this_is_a_good_one/
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"If my boy turns out to be one of them trangendereds, that ain't no son of mine"

She'd be my daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arq0ku/if_my_boy_turns_out_to_be_one_of_them/
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When I woke up this morning there was a tap on my door.

My plumber has a bad sense of humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arq00b/when_i_woke_up_this_morning_there_was_a_tap_on_my/
%
What do fish smoke?

Seaweed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpysq/what_do_fish_smoke/
%
A Jew was on his deathbed and told his only son

-Isaac, my son, i am dying. I just want you to know that the 8 houses, 3 apartment buildings, 24 taxis, 17 hotels, 8 shops, 3 swimming pools, the statues, jewelry...
-Are you going to give them to me, dad?
-I'm selling them to you. Very cheap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpylw/a_jew_was_on_his_deathbed_and_told_his_only_son/
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Want to know why Herbert Hoover was my favorite president?

Because he actually gave a dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpygt/want_to_know_why_herbert_hoover_was_my_favorite/
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Before I go to bed, I always drink some ti

I like to end the day on a high note

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpxzi/before_i_go_to_bed_i_always_drink_some_ti/
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What is the difference between your job and your wife

Your job fucks you on a regular basis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpw76/what_is_the_difference_between_your_job_and_your/
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How do you know a pregnant eskimo is going to give birth

Her water cracks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpw16/how_do_you_know_a_pregnant_eskimo_is_going_to/
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What do you call friend who works for an insurance company?

A friend with benefits
I'll leave now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpudn/what_do_you_call_friend_who_works_for_an/
%
Rectal thermometer

A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket and said, "Well, looks like some asshole's got my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpnq3/rectal_thermometer/
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What do you call a loyalist in the 1760s who had black sticky stuff thrown on them for a second time?

Re-tarred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpmrx/what_do_you_call_a_loyalist_in_the_1760s_who_had/
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At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. No time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpmcr/at_the_end_of_the_physics_lecture_i_asked_my/
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USA, Russia and China gather together at a weapons convent

The spokesman of the USA says: „Our submarines are great! They can get along 4 months without refueling!“
Russia counters: „Our submarines can even swim 6 months without refueling!“
China smiles and says: „what, only 6? Ours can go 8 months without refueling!“
Suddenly, a submarine emerges at the bay in front of the convent. The hatch opens and a soldier shouts: „Sieg Heil! Do you have any Diesel?“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpkwa/usa_russia_and_china_gather_together_at_a_weapons/
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Went shopping at Macy's the other day

Salesman was very helpful. He carefully measured my inseam several times
I told him it wasn't necessary but he insisted
I almost just left but bought the toaster anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpgsn/went_shopping_at_macys_the_other_day/
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A daughter is in love

A daughter runs to her mother and says: „Mum, I‘m in love!“
„That’s great honey! Who is the lucky boy?“
„It’s the mailman!“
„Honey, he could be your father!“
„But mum, age is just a number.“
„I think you don’t understand what I mean...“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpg0x/a_daughter_is_in_love/
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I help blind people

Verb, not adjective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpe0s/i_help_blind_people/
%
A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”
“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbour.
“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpd2x/a_man_scuttled_out_to_his_garage_and_began/
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There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.

He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.
She responded,"My washcloth."
Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair.
The boy asked his mother, "What happened to your washcloth?"
His mother replied, "I lost it."
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, "Mommy, I found your washcloth, I found your washcloth!"
His mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy replied, "The maid has it and is washing daddy's face with it."
*This was actually a copypasta taken from an eighth grade English workbook assigned by a private school in Shanghai. The kids were told to read the joke and write a review of it. The parents were, obv, not pleased when they saw the material.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpbl3/there_was_a_little_boy_whose_mother_was_about_to/
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If I Had A Dollar For Every Gender...

I’d Have $2 and a bunch of counterfeits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arpbjq/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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I was addicted to thanksgiving leftovers

but I quit cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arp6a9/i_was_addicted_to_thanksgiving_leftovers/
%
"Hey, I was supposed to lose 30 pounds in month, I want a refund"

"Sure. How much did you pay for box?"
"30 pounds!"
"Looks like it works like advertised, anything else I can help you with?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arp5yf/hey_i_was_supposed_to_lose_30_pounds_in_month_i/
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The paratrooper

A guy joins the paratroopers, like his father before him, and his father\`s father before him.
The day of the first jump, the guy comes home. His dad says, "Well, son, how\`d it go?"
His son says, "Well, we were up there, and I was the last one to jump. But when I got to the door I just couldn\`t do it. So the instructor told me \`you had better jump out of this god damn plane before I stick my dick right up your ass.\`"
So the father says, "Well, son, did you jump?"
And the son says, "A little, at first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arp04x/the_paratrooper/
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I told my wife that she needs find joy in the little things in life.

She replied, “honey, I am not in the mood right now for sex.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aroz96/i_told_my_wife_that_she_needs_find_joy_in_the/
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Little Johnny

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When little johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to." the little boy replied.
"Of course you do." His mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house"
"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arosah/little_johnny/
%
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aror1q/when_albert_einstein_was_making_the_rounds_of_the/
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My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arokdx/my_mom_thinks_i_need_to_stop_objectifying_women_i/
%
The Pope Dies and Goes to Heaven but its more realistic

The ARCHANGEL Gabriel awaits him. Good ol' Gabe asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
Gabriel: "Nope. I ain't got a pope in my rope" (his book was made out of paper and thats actually fiber and a long piece of fiber is called a string and a lot of string is a rope so therefore every book is a rope-Heaven comedy turned awful after thousands of years)
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
Gabriel: "What God? Just kidding. He's gotta a rep? Never knew..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
Gabriel: "The Catholic church ... What in bojangles... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
Gabe walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
Gabriel: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes Father, what's up?"
God and Gabe give out the granular gossip in their goldy gazebo-
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that there fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room laughing out loud, slapping the holes in his arms. After a few days (heaven comedy is also slow), Gabriel asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aroho5/the_pope_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_but_its_more/
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Why did the Jewish guy open up a coffee shop?

Cuz he brews!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arocof/why_did_the_jewish_guy_open_up_a_coffee_shop/
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Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arocd5/pilot_says_to_the_passengers_one_engine_has/
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What happens when you mistakenly assume someone's gender?

You make an ass out of they and they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aro1kf/what_happens_when_you_mistakenly_assume_someones/
%
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arnzpw/what_does_tofu_and_a_dildo_have_in_common/
%
I once met a girl with 12 nipples.

Sounds fun, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arnuoa/i_once_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
%
What is the most popular movie streaming service in Russia?

NyetFlix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arntqi/what_is_the_most_popular_movie_streaming_service/
%
I just heard that David Hasselhoff sold part of his name for $10 million.

I just hope it was worth the Hassel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arnszd/i_just_heard_that_david_hasselhoff_sold_part_of/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her."
Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!"
He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk.
"Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" He says.
The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter.
Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after some screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says,
"Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arnso7/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign_that_says/
%
My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arnq2a/my_annoying_little_cousin_keeps_bragging_about/
%
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arnphi/a_woman_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
%
Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."
Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."
The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course.
Husband says "ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window
The couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell. A very well dressed man answers the door, "Can I help you?"
Husband: "Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?"
Well dressed man: "oh no I am only the butler. Master is in the other room, follow me.
The couple follows the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master, staring intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball.
Husband: "oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didn't mean to.."
The master interrupts in an understanding tone "haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that vase for the last several hundred years. But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself, leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?"
Wife: "uh I want lots of money...."
"Done." Interrupts the master, " I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite. Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account."
Wife: "oh my goodness thank you so much!"
"You're turn", says the the master looking at the husband.
Husband: "I'd like a beautiful home in ever country."
Master: "and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay."
Husband: " Jesus! thank you so much!"
Master: "not a problem. As for my wish, well I have been trapped in that vase for so long and all the while without a woman. I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife."
Husband to wife: "I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all of those houses and an unlimited amount of money. You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different."
Wife: "yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from. Okay I'll do it"
The Master is thrilled and wisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end. Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt. He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, " if you don't mind me asking how old are you and your wife?"
Husband: " well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?"
Master: "just curious as to how you guys still believe in genies.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arnp03/husband_says_to_his_wife_that_he_is_going_golfing/
%
I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless

now I’ve got 200 squatters!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arnmm2/i_offered_free_exercise_lessons_for_the_homeless/
%
What does Ariana Grande want to be when she grows up?

Ariana Venti
\*Thanks to my dad for this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arnlir/what_does_ariana_grande_want_to_be_when_she_grows/
%
What do Michael J. Fox and the new guy at the warehouse have in common?

Both have trouble with the fork lift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arnhyf/what_do_michael_j_fox_and_the_new_guy_at_the/
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The amount of people who don't know the difference between to and too

Is two damn high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arn8md/the_amount_of_people_who_dont_know_the_difference/
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A questionable article on marine biology goes viral.

"**New study reveals migrating Crows' droppings may be responsible for great barrier barrier reef bleaching**"
The article receives widespread criticism from the scientific community. Marine biologists across the globe insist that coralation does not imply Cawsality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arn3lu/a_questionable_article_on_marine_biology_goes/
%
I asked a random woman what her favourite Radiohead song is.

She said, "I don't know...Creep?"
I said, "Fuck off, you don't even know me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arn23e/i_asked_a_random_woman_what_her_favourite/
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A Jedi would make a terrible stand up comedian.

Their jokes would always feel forced...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/armzzy/a_jedi_would_make_a_terrible_stand_up_comedian/
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Two tigers are walking down the street.

One says to the other:
'It's quiet for a Saturday isn't it?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/army3s/two_tigers_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
Why is Donald Trump’s biography so long?

It has four Chapter 11s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/armwtg/why_is_donald_trumps_biography_so_long/
%
A man on trial asks the judge, “What would happen if I said, ‘Judge, you’re a son of a bitch?’”

The judge said, “I’d hold you in contempt of court.”
The man then asked, “What would happen if I just thought you were a son of a bitch?”
The judge said, “I suppose there isn’t anything I can do about a person’s thoughts.”
The man replied, “In that case judge, I think you’re a fucking cunt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/armtws/a_man_on_trial_asks_the_judge_what_would_happen/
%
"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/armqf6/dad_look_im_a_3d_printer/
%
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/armohq/a_man_absolutely_hated_his_wifes_cat/
%
I once dated a biker chick for a while

It got quite annoying as once a month she would jump on her menstrual cycle and run me the fuck over!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/armjxj/i_once_dated_a_biker_chick_for_a_while/
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when does a joke become a dad joke?

when the punchline becomes apparent! :-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arme88/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
Five years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/armdej/five_years_ago_i_asked_out_the_girl_of_my_dreams/
%
When I was in elementary school, we had this old crusty WWII fighter pilot vet come speak to my school…

He was telling us about a dog fight he was in. “So there I was in my Mustang, I had three f***ers to my right, two f***ers to my left, and one f***er right in front of me.” My teacher got red with embarrassment and jutted in, “Boys and girls, the Fokker was a kind of plane used by Germany in World War II.” The old vet responded, “Ah yes, except that these fuckers we’re flying Messerschmitts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/armbty/when_i_was_in_elementary_school_we_had_this_old/
%
What do you get when you spell “man” backwards?

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/armbo3/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
%
What did the man who won a contest where he sat still for 72 hours get?

Atrophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arm5qy/what_did_the_man_who_won_a_contest_where_he_sat/
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What do you call it when a fat person gets an abortion?

Lifosuction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arm3nm/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_fat_person_gets_an/
%
What does god poop

Holy shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arm1l4/what_does_god_poop/
%
I really miss my kids, I haven’t seen them for 3 years.

But the line at the grocery store is really long and I promised I would get some milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arlp5q/i_really_miss_my_kids_i_havent_seen_them_for_3/
%
Christ, if I said I'll do it I'll do it

No need to remind me every six months...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arloa7/christ_if_i_said_ill_do_it_ill_do_it/
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What do you call an erection at a funeral?

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arlmzs/what_do_you_call_an_erection_at_a_funeral/
%
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arl9rv/the_pope_dies_and_arrives_in_heaven/
%
A man walks into a bank.

He walks over to the teller and says to her "I want to open a fucking bank account."
The teller says "Sir, there is no need for that kind of language..."
The man says "What kind of language? All I said was that I want to open a fucking bank account."
The teller says "Sir, if you're going to keep using this kind of language, I'm going to have to call the manager."
The man says "And tell him what, exactly? That I want to open a fucking bank account?"
The teller gets up and calls the manager of the bank.
The manager says, solemnly, "What seems to be the problem here?"
The man replies "All I want to do is open a fucking bank account for one million dollars..."
The manager points to the teller: "And this cunt is giving you a hard time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arl6xb/a_man_walks_into_a_bank/
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How many whores does it take to change a light bulb?

Many. They suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arl3id/how_many_whores_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
What do they serve for breakfast in Grammer class?

Synonym toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arl1q3/what_do_they_serve_for_breakfast_in_grammer_class/
%
Husband: tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time

Wife: out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arl01u/husband_tell_me_something_that_will_make_me_happy/
%
a blind man walks into a bar

And a table
And a chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arkz35/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I can’t believe my neighbour.

He knocked on my door and yelled for me AT 2am.  2am! Can you believe him? Lucky for him i was still awake playing my drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arkxo6/i_cant_believe_my_neighbour/
%
Two elves walk into a bar

A hobbit walks under and laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arkkte/two_elves_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What word in the dictionary is always spelled incorrectly?

incorrectly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arkkfv/what_word_in_the_dictionary_is_always_spelled/
%
My girlfriend said I was very imaginative in the bedroom.

For instance, this morning I imagined I was going to have sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arkjmp/my_girlfriend_said_i_was_very_imaginative_in_the/
%
What do you call a magical dog?

A labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arkg9z/what_do_you_call_a_magical_dog/
%
My girlfriend used to date a professional clown before she met me.

I have some big shoes to fill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arkeix/my_girlfriend_used_to_date_a_professional_clown/
%
a man meet his friend

sitting on a rock in the middle of his living room. as they're carrying it outside the man says :
\- man why was that rock here ?
\- because of the genie in this bottle
\- a genie ?!
he takes the bottle and a genie gets out and says :
\- i can grant you one wish
\- well my car broke down last week so... i want a rover
a little wall appears  and the genie says :
\- here you can use this as cover
the genie gets back into the bottle and the man is furious
\- what the heck ?! i wanted a rover not a cover !
and his friend says :
\- you really tought i wanted a big rock ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arke31/a_man_meet_his_friend/
%
What do you call a French general after being hit by a cannonball?

Napoleon Blown-aparte﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arkcfd/what_do_you_call_a_french_general_after_being_hit/
%
I'm killing off the main character in my book.

It's an autobiography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arkb1d/im_killing_off_the_main_character_in_my_book/
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What do you call a dog with a hammer??!

A LabraTHOR :p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ark8zl/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_a_hammer/
%
A horse walks into a bar

Bartender asks: "what can i get you?"
The horse doesnt understand, shits on the floor and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ark8t0/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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Pirate Captain: Mistar Smith, do ya know how ta write two in Roman Numbers?

Mr. Smith: II captain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ark79d/pirate_captain_mistar_smith_do_ya_know_how_ta/
%
I don’t win Marathons because I’m lucky

I win because I’m driven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ark75o/i_dont_win_marathons_because_im_lucky/
%
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a building engineer are having a night out...

After a couple of drinks, they are having a chat about god,
The mechanical engineer starts:
"Have you noticed how brilliantly humans mechanics are designed. The joints and the drivetrain are so perfectly executed, that I think God must be a mechanical engineer."
After a moment of silence, the electrical engineer articulates a counter-argument:
"I think you're wrong. Think about how in the nervous system different commands move in synapses electrically and how information is handled in the central nervous system. As I see it, it's clear that God must be an electrical engineer."
Now, coughing slightly, the building engineer opens his mouth:
"Dear colleagues, now you're both wrong. You see, only a building engineer could implement sewerage in the middle of a recreation area."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ark1wc/a_mechanical_engineer_an_electrical_engineer_and/
%
Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...

The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.
Finally, from up the front, the driver said, “Just let the ugly one have it!”
Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arjw79/two_women_were_fighting_bitterly_for_the_last/
%
A couple driving home run over a badger they get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold

Husband says, "put it between your legs to keep it warm",
Wife replies "but it is all wet and it stinks,
He say, "well hold the badgers nose then!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arjva1/a_couple_driving_home_run_over_a_badger_they_get/
%
What's an easy way to make friends?

Start asking out all the ladies you know by name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arjv88/whats_an_easy_way_to_make_friends/
%
The Bee Movie was such a fucked up movie, it was literally about a bee who tried to have sex with a girl.

Who would want to have sex with a girl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arjmbw/the_bee_movie_was_such_a_fucked_up_movie_it_was/
%
Should kids be vaccinated? Short Answer: Yes.

Long Answer: Yessssssssssssssssssssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arjl5l/should_kids_be_vaccinated_short_answer_yes/
%
What has broken arms, broken legs and is on the bottom of a river?

People who tell jokes about the Mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arjjq7/what_has_broken_arms_broken_legs_and_is_on_the/
%
An elderly gentleman

goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a younger
woman for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90 ! ' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arjjox/an_elderly_gentleman/
%
A wife asked her husband

'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arjit1/a_wife_asked_her_husband/
%
A man was sitting reading his Sunday newspaper

when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the horse races yesterday Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arjieg/a_man_was_sitting_reading_his_sunday_newspaper/
%
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'
'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the \*lawyer was banging his head against the wall.\*
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arjidk/an_elderly_woman_walked_into_the_royal_bank_of/
%
I want to take a shower selfie but the condensation keeps messing it up

Guess I have selfie-steam issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arjhr7/i_want_to_take_a_shower_selfie_but_the/
%
I just patented my new combination aphrodisiac and stool softener!

SexLax: "Easy come, easy go!"
Wow! A sort-by-new gold! I'm honoured!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arjdnj/i_just_patented_my_new_combination_aphrodisiac/
%
So what if I don't know what "armageddon" means?

It's not like the world would end or something...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arjdii/so_what_if_i_dont_know_what_armageddon_means/
%
4 engineers repairing a car

*there are 4 engineers in a car but it doesn't start*
Mechanical engineer: the spark plug must be broken
Chemical engineer: there must be impurities in the gas
Electrical engineer: the contact must be broken
Computer engineer: what if we exit and enter the car another time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arj7gf/4_engineers_repairing_a_car/
%
A dad joke is just a pair of back to back sentences.

Welcome to the punitentiary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arj789/a_dad_joke_is_just_a_pair_of_back_to_back/
%
A dentist and a manicurist decided to get divorced...

They fought tooth and nail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arj6jf/a_dentist_and_a_manicurist_decided_to_get_divorced/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a knife?

A knife has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arj4ql/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arj37a/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
%
An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.
God, on the other hand, took notice of what was taking place and was furious. He demanded to speak with Satan.
"Why do you have this man when he lived righteously and has a place in heaven?" God bellowed.
"I don't know, but I'm keeping him," Satan snarkily replied.
"You will hand him over now," God said ferociously, "or else I will sue you!"
Satan smirked.
"Where you gonna get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arj13l/an_engineer_dies_and_by_some_mistake_he_is_sent/
%
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?

**Because she always runs away from the ball!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arizsq/why_is_cinderella_so_bad_at_soccer/
%
A Duck walks into a bar

Duck asks the bartender, "You got any grapes?'  Bartender says, "Of course not, this is a bar.  We don't have any  grapes."  Duck leaves but returns an hour later.  "Got any grapes?"  Bartender leans forward and says, "I told you before we don't have any grapes.  Get lost."  Another hour passes and the same duck enters the bar and asks again, "Got any grapes?"  By this time the bartender has had enough and warns the duck--"Look, I'll tell you for the last time we don't have any grapes.  If you come in here again I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!"  The duck leaves only to return an hour later.  He asks the bartender, "You got any nails?"  The confused bartender says, "No..."  Duck: "You got a hammer?"  Bartender: "What the hell? No!"  Duck: "You got any grapes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arize8/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do blind people never eat?

See food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arixuw/what_do_blind_people_never_eat/
%
Is it too soon to joke about the mars rover?

There is way too many good puns for it to be a missed opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arixp9/is_it_too_soon_to_joke_about_the_mars_rover/
%
I have nightmares about getting head from my ex

Thinking about it keeps me up at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ariw70/i_have_nightmares_about_getting_head_from_my_ex/
%
My Girlfriend is turning 32 soon.

I told her not to get her hopes up.
“After all,” I say, “we’re only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.”
She seemed upset and demanded to know why i would do that to her.
I calmly pointed out,
“This is your thirty-second birthday...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arivm8/my_girlfriend_is_turning_32_soon/
%
I'm not an alcoholic....

Alcoholics need a drink. I already have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arivfr/im_not_an_alcoholic/
%
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, then they would be bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ariu96/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
%
Russian joke

Two peasants, Boris and Igor are poor. Boris has a goat. Igor does not. One day while walking thru the woods, Igor meets a fairy. "What do you wish for?" She ask.
"I wish" Igor says "that Boris's goat should die"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arir1x/russian_joke/
%
My first time bungee jumping

Me: [licking lips in anticipation] I am nervous. I've never done bungee jumping before.
Instructor: Don't lick my lips again.
(Favourite joke from Reddit)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ariob2/my_first_time_bungee_jumping/
%
A scientist, Mathematician, and statistictian all go out hunting....

They see a deer and this Scientist takes the first shot. He misses by 3 feet
The Mathematician takes a shot and misses again by 3 feet on the opposite side.
The Statistictian shouts "We hit it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arimlc/a_scientist_mathematician_and_statistictian_all/
%
What do you call female prostitutes who turn out to have penises.

Trojan whores.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arillz/what_do_you_call_female_prostitutes_who_turn_out/
%
I launched a book aimed for 9-12 year olds

And I’m proud to say I hit one of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arikhp/i_launched_a_book_aimed_for_912_year_olds/
%
Women are like fine wine

you gotta keep them in a basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arih6l/women_are_like_fine_wine/
%
Why aren't there any white jokes?

No one wants to get on the shooter's bad side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arigcm/why_arent_there_any_white_jokes/
%
Several thousand letters were just delivered to me

That's the last time I order a fucking dictionary from IKEA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aridrw/several_thousand_letters_were_just_delivered_to_me/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me this morning over a broken egg

She said Omelette you go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aricsh/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_this_morning_over/
%
What do serial killers and fat girls on tinder have in common?

They both love to hide their bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aricl7/what_do_serial_killers_and_fat_girls_on_tinder/
%
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ari9yc/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_2_brain_cells/
%
This Scottish fellow walks into a bar...

...And tells the bartender:  "A single malt Scotch!" Then turns around and says with a gesture of his arm that indicates everyone in the bar: "When Alec MacPherson drinks, eeeeeeeeeeeeverybody drinks!"
Hearing this, the people smile, get their drink and raise a glass to Alec MacPherson. After downing his Scotch, Alec MacPherson tells the bartender "Another single malt Scotch!" Then turns around and says, again, with a gesture of his arm that indicates everyone in the bar: "When Alec MacPherson drinks, eeeeeeeeeeeeverybody drinks!"
There's a roar of content in the bar. People get their drink and raise a glass to Alex MacPherson and give him a loud cheer.
Alec MacPherson finishes drinking his Scotch, places a small bill on the bar, turns around and says with a gesture of his arm that indicates everyone in the bar as he leaves: "When Alec MacPherson pays, eeeeeeeeeeeeverybody pays!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ari97q/this_scottish_fellow_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My wife thinks that I'm too nosy.

At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ari5dj/my_wife_thinks_that_im_too_nosy/
%
Why did the tomato go red?

Because it saw salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ari39j/why_did_the_tomato_go_red/
%
A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.

The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone.  The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ari1un/a_proton_electron_and_a_neuton_get_into_a_bar/
%
I decided to freeze myself at-275.15 degrees Celsius..

My friends think I'm crazy, but I'll be 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ari0ro/i_decided_to_freeze_myself_at27515_degrees_celsius/
%
If you look really closely...

All mirrors look like eyeballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arhxk9/if_you_look_really_closely/
%
I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win.

But no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arhmh2/i_entered_10_puns_in_a_pun_contest_hoping_one/
%
Math pun

I poured my root beer into a square glass, now I just have beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arhllq/math_pun/
%
Why are there a ton of Religious Holidays but no Science Holidays?

Because science works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arhkjz/why_are_there_a_ton_of_religious_holidays_but_no/
%
The cleaning lady at work asked if I wanted to smoke a J with her

I declined because I'm not interested in high maintenance women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arhj42/the_cleaning_lady_at_work_asked_if_i_wanted_to/
%
Roman soldiers are trained...

...But Vikings are Bjorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arhi5c/roman_soldiers_are_trained/
%
The Tourist

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.
Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arhhvc/the_tourist/
%
If a pig loses its voice . . .

does it become disgruntled>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arhhng/if_a_pig_loses_its_voice/
%
Why don't hens have boobs

Because roosters don't have hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arhgck/why_dont_hens_have_boobs/
%
Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it is worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arh71e/why_is_divorce_so_expensive/
%
(2 for 1) A mushroom walks into a bar...

The bartender says “Hey we don’t serve your kind here,”
Mushroom says “why not? Im a fun guy”
—-
A string walks into a bar
The bartender says “Hey we don’t serve your kind here,”
The string goes out feeling dejected and sits on the curb. He absently ties a knot in his lower half before going back into the bar.
The bartender says “Hey! Aren’t you the guy that was just in here?”
The string say “I’m afraid not”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arh6ig/2_for_1_a_mushroom_walks_into_a_bar/
%
3 rich men get on a plane.

A Canadian, an American and a Mexican.
They decide to each throw something off the plane over their country to represent how they feel about their country.
The Canadian walks up and throws a silver bar off  the plane. The others ask "Why did you do that?" To which the Canadian replies "Because I love my country!"
Next the American walks up and throws a golden bar off the plane. The others ask "Why did you do that?" To which the American replies "Because I love my country!"
Finally, the Mexican walks up and throws a bomb off the plane. The others ask "Why did you do that?" To which the Mexican replies "Because I hate my country!"
Afterwards, one at a time, they all go down to see how their countries are doing.
The Canadian goes down and is walking around his country when he sees a little boy crying. He asks the little boy "Why are you crying little boy?" The little boy replies "A silver bar fell from the sky and hit mommy on the head and now she's dead!"
Next the American goes down and is walking around his country when he sees a little girl crying. He asks the little girl "Why are you crying little girl?" To which she replies "A golden bar fell from the sky and hit daddy on the head and now he's dead!"
Finally the Mexican goes down and is walking around his country when he sees a little boy and girl on the ground laughing histerically. He asks them angrily "Why are you laughing?" To which they respond "Daddy farted and the house blew up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arh2s2/3_rich_men_get_on_a_plane/
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What is earth's favorite genre of music?

Metalcore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arh1gx/what_is_earths_favorite_genre_of_music/
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Oh Sally

Why did Sally fall of the swing?
Because Sally had no arms.
Knock knock,
Who's there?
Not Sally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/argzzr/oh_sally/
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A red cross worker is cold calling people for donations

A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker replies, “well, my records show that you make over half a million a year and haven’t made a single charitable donation so why can’t you help us out? I’m sure you can afford at least a small donation...” and the lawyer replies “oh really, well do your records tell you about my brother who served in the war and is in a coma with extremely expensive hospital bills? Or what about my mother? Do they tell you about how she’s sick with even more expensive hospital bills year after year?” At this point the Red Cross worker is very embarrassed and says “I’m sorry sir, I had no idea.” And the lawyer goes “so if I’m not helping them out what makes you think I’d help you out?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/argxd5/a_red_cross_worker_is_cold_calling_people_for/
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Why is Santa’s sack so big ?

Because he only comes once a year .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arguwi/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
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did you ever here about Einstein’s learning disabled nephew?

You could say he had a special relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/argoj5/did_you_ever_here_about_einsteins_learning/
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Dad’s equivalent of the mother’s “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it, too” to their misbehaving child

Dad - “I shot you once, and I can I do it again”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/argo7p/dads_equivalent_of_the_mothers_i_brought_you_into/
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A man struggled into the animal hospital ...

A man struggled into the animal hospital carrying a large dog in his arms.  The team quickly led them into a treatment room and in walked a doctor, who asked  "What's wrong?"
"I ... need to put ... my dog down," said the man, breathing heavily, barely able to stand.
The doctor motioned to his assistants, who gently took the dog and exited through another door.  "Wait here, sir.  We'll be right back."
15 minutes later, the doctor re-entered the room carrying a collar and a beautiful porcelain urn.
The man, now relaxed and refreshed, jumped up and said "Oh, Doctor, hello!  Now we can discuss my dog's flea problem!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/argggs/a_man_struggled_into_the_animal_hospital/
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I had a Yoga teacher when I was younger and he was always drunk and touched me inappropriately,

He put me in an awkward position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/argfp1/i_had_a_yoga_teacher_when_i_was_younger_and_he/
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If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arg950/if_you_could_exterminate_any_race_what_would_you/
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What do you call a cow that has an attitude?

Moody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arg62b/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_has_an_attitude/
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I was so bad at math my bank refused to give me a loan

Thank god I had someone to cosine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arg2y3/i_was_so_bad_at_math_my_bank_refused_to_give_me_a/
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Which came first? The chicken or the

man arrested for bestiality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arg29i/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the/
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NSFW - How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She chews before she swallows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arg0wg/nsfw_how_do_you_know_you_have_a_high_sperm_count/
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I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING INTERCOURSE.

I couldn't believe it.
I was in tears.
I could never trust her again.
I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.
Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.
I said, "bad dog".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arfoab/i_came_home_early_from_work_one_afternoon_and/
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What do you call an angry basketball team?

The Saltics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arfncf/what_do_you_call_an_angry_basketball_team/
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A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arfckk/a_serial_killer_car_thief_and_russian_spy_walks/
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What is black and white and red all over?

A nun with a hatchet in her head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arfas6/what_is_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
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3 women are lost in the forest and found by the local tribe.

The tribe takes the women to their king. The king then instructs each of them to go to the forest and pick a fruit of their choice, and bring back 5 of them.
The first lady comes back with 5 Oranges. The king now challenges her to shove them up between her legs. If she succeeds, she will be free to leave. She tries but fails and is put in prison as a slave.
The second lady comes back with 5 Grapes. The king offers her the same deal. With 4 grapes done and only 1 to go, she suddenly bursts out laughing, and ultimately fails the challenge and is put into the same prison as the first girl.
The 2 ladies end up in the same prison cell and start talking:
First lady: "You were so close. Only 1 more grape and you could have escaped. You could have come back with backup. Why did you start laughing?"
Second lady: "Because I saw the last woman coming back from the forest with Watermelons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arfamg/3_women_are_lost_in_the_forest_and_found_by_the/
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Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arf7xw/give_a_man_a_gun_and_hell_rob_a_bank/
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An awful conductor...

So, a polish train conductor is carrying people to go out of the country. However, the tracks were icy because it was the middle of winter.
So the train slipped and rolled over eight times. Miraculously all but three people lived. When the conductor was trialed for manslaughter, he was found guilty and his punishment was execution. For his final meal all he requested for was three bananas. When he was escorted to the electric chair, he was strapped on and the executors turned it on. After ten minuets the man was still alive, twenty, thirty, still. Out of frustration they let him go. He was hired back again as a conductor and this time the train malfunctioned killing every passenger accept the conductor once again he was trialed, found guilty and had the last final meal and was sent to the electric chair. The same thing happened once again, and he was let free. Again, he was hired as a conductor but this time by a different company. And again the train crashed, and killed half of the passengers. So going back to court to be trialed, found guilty  but this time the one of the executors say, “Oh no! There’s got to be something to do with the bananas. You’re not getting a final meal.” So he was escorted to the electric chair, they switched it on and still, nothing. “WHAT ON EARTH!” One of the executors shouted, “How are you not dead!” The conductor simply shouted “Oh I’m just a bad conductor”
To everyone who read to the end thanks a lot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arf7un/an_awful_conductor/
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What’s the difference between me and a circle?

People like the circle to be a round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arf741/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_circle/
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My wife and I are finally planning a trip to San Francisco for my life long dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.

She said, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”
I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arf6z4/my_wife_and_i_are_finally_planning_a_trip_to_san/
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A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist walk into a bar.

The bartender sees them and says, "What is this, a joke?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arf4vh/a_rabbi_a_priest_and_an_atheist_walk_into_a_bar/
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What's worse than one alligator coming to dinner?

Two alligators coming to dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arf4e2/whats_worse_than_one_alligator_coming_to_dinner/
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What are Wario and Waluigi’s favorite breakfast?

Wawfuls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arf27v/what_are_wario_and_waluigis_favorite_breakfast/
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Ice, Ice baby!

In the 90s it was a corny rap song
Now it's 3 people at a detention center

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arezmy/ice_ice_baby/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arey16/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
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What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arepfv/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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Speaking of PET scans, did you guys hear about the new law they passed in Oregon where dogs can no longer operate MRI machines?

Apparently cats can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arenfs/speaking_of_pet_scans_did_you_guys_hear_about_the/
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One guy sees a beautiful Nun on a bus

He says to her "Hey little girl, wanna have sex"
The Nun turned around her face fuming. "Who do you think you are! I am God's servant!"
Once the bus stopped the nun ran out of the bus, still fuming.
The bus driver heard all of this and called the guy over to him. "Hey that nun goes to the graveyard every Wednesday night to pray. You should go there and pretend to be God, by throwing a pure white blanket over her while holding a light, and tell her that she will be the next Mother Mary and trick her into having sex.
So the guy goes to the graveyard dressed up as God, low and behold, there was that nun sitting by a grave and praying.
He throws the blanket over her to simulate being in heaven. He then proceeds to tell her. "This world has gone into disarray, with so many terrible things people are doing in this world! I have chosen to create a new Jesus for this earth, and you shall be the new Mother Mary, the vessel for the savior of the world."
The nun nodded her head and then said "My Father I know you are so powerful and mighty, surely you can start a new Christ from only having anal sex with me"
The guy agrees to this and they then proceed to have a vigorous session of hardcore anal sex.
After they finished the guy throws off the blanket and yells "Ha, I'm not God! I was the guy on the bus!"
The nun then gets up and says "Ha I was the bus driver!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arelm7/one_guy_sees_a_beautiful_nun_on_a_bus/
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Why did the 3 year old have a midlife crisis?

Because he wasn’t vaccinated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arekr7/why_did_the_3_year_old_have_a_midlife_crisis/
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A Rabbi, a Preist, and a Monk walk into a bar

The Rabbi orders a drink and says, “I’m sick of hearing the same old jokes about us recycled over and over again” to which the Priest replies, “I completely agree! The template is just dragged out and overused. I’d like to see someone try to make a joke about the three of us in a bar that is new.” The monk sits back for a moment and then says “how about this one?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arek34/a_rabbi_a_preist_and_a_monk_walk_into_a_bar/
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A lot of people look better with glasses

After all, isn't that the point of them?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arejv2/a_lot_of_people_look_better_with_glasses/
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Bill is laying bricks on the 20th floor of a construction site

When he accidentally knocked a brick, causing it to fall off the edge!
He quickly yelled out "Falling Brick!"
Looking down, he notices that a rather well-dressed businessman has stepped out of the way of the brick and is making his way up to him. "You saved my life mate, here's $100" said the businessman.
Bill thinks this could be a good way to make a little bit of extra money, so he waits until he sees another wealthy looking man and throws off another brick. "Falling Brick!"
This man makes his way up to Bill and says "You saved my life mate, here have $500."
A homeless man with a stutter has been watching the proceedings and makes his way up to Bill. "H-h-h-hi there, Do y-y-you mind if i have a g-g-go at that?"
Bill says "No worries" and hands him a brick.
A limousine pulls up and the CEO of Bills company gets out.
Before Bill can stop him, the homeless man has thrown the brick off the building.
"F-f-f-f-f-f-fuck me i got him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arejia/bill_is_laying_bricks_on_the_20th_floor_of_a/
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Australians don't have sex

Australians mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arei5e/australians_dont_have_sex/
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If you, your parents, and your grandparents use reddit, I guess you could say it’s

Haredditary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ared14/if_you_your_parents_and_your_grandparents_use/
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My friend put his dick in a peanutbutter jar

He's fucking nuts I tell ya

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arebxj/my_friend_put_his_dick_in_a_peanutbutter_jar/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/are8ab/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and German

all head down the street when they notice a crowd huddled around a street preformer. His juggling routine is the best the town has ever seen.
Before he begins his grand finale, he notices the stragglers in the back and asks "does everybody have a good view?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/are7py/an_englishman_frenchman_spaniard_and_german/
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2 men walk into a bar after a long, hard day at work

The first man asks the bartender, "May I have some H2O?"
The bartender gives the first man the drink and the first man chugs it down.
The second man, seeing what the first man did, asks the bartender, "May I have some H2O too?"
The bartender gives the second man the drink and the second man chugs it down.
The second man died shortly after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/are76p/2_men_walk_into_a_bar_after_a_long_hard_day_at/
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Two blondes froze to death at the drive-in theater.

They were there to see "Closed for Winter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/are6q8/two_blondes_froze_to_death_at_the_drivein_theater/
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I’ve been driving for Uber/Lyft full time for a few months now and my wrists are starting to hurt from turning the steering wheel so much.

I think I’m getting Car Pool Tunnel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/are6ju/ive_been_driving_for_uberlyft_full_time_for_a_few/
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For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed.

I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/are3k2/for_my_holidays_last_year_i_threw_a_dart_at_a_map/
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A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist

Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se--"
Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?"
Frenchman: "It Cinq"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/are2qb/a_frenchman_was_showing_of_his_yachts_to_a_tourist/
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I'm an outgoing diet-communist

A socia-Lite, if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/are1ng/im_an_outgoing_dietcommunist/
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Korean joke

The number of South Korea's boys band singers is enough to defeat North Korea's entire army.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/are1iv/korean_joke/
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A blonde walks into a doctor’s office

Blonde: doc! I think I got a skin disease!
She proceeds to poke everywhere and every time she pokes herself she yelps
Doctor: ma’am are you a natural blonde?
Blonde: yes why?
Doctor: your finger’s broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ardw4d/a_blonde_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
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A man got parking ticket

A man was charged in court for parking his car on the wrong side of the road.
Judge: Why did you park your car in a no parking area?
Man: Your honour, the sign read, Fine for Parking. So I thought it was fine to park my car there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ardsdb/a_man_got_parking_ticket/
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[NSFW] What do a woman's breasts and LEGO have in common?

They're both for the kids but the dad likes playing with them the most.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ards85/nsfw_what_do_a_womans_breasts_and_lego_have_in/
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A couple was having a quarrel in a lodge...

The man calls the manager and says, "I'm having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window please come fast!"
The Manager angrily responds, "I am sorry sir this is your personal issue, please do not waste my time again."
The Husband replies back, "The window is not opening. This is not a personal issue, this is a maintenance issue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ardqd6/a_couple_was_having_a_quarrel_in_a_lodge/
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The Story of Mike Doe

Hey, my name’s Mike Doe, and this is my story. I had a friend in college, my freshman roommate, who was always talking about his family. His name was Robert Gooding, and he must’ve had a family tree that started from Adam and Eve. Every single day he would drone on and on about some cousin or uncle or some such. He would always burst into the room saying things like, “Hey Mike!
You’ll never guess Uncle Nate and Aunt Ridley are doing in Taiwan for the orphans this week!” I remember him talking about how Dimitri, his mother’s grandfather’s nephew’s son, which is apparently what second cousin once removed means, had resolved a tense hostage situation in Iran. And how cool Auntie Pauline (actually a distant cousin) was for working on top secret stuff with the CIA. I always tried to be patient with him and at least pretended to listen and nod at his stories. They never seemed to be about the same people. Sometimes he’d mention something that was actually funny or interesting too so it wasn’t always bad.
Good old rambling Robert. He picked up that nickname within a couple weeks of starting school--I don’t think he liked it much. He didn’t make many friends because he could never stop talking about his own family. Sometimes I think that I was the only one he could talk to who wouldn’t start running after five minutes. I’m not going to lie though. Back then I endeavored to be out of the room most of the day to avoid his ramblings. However no matter how late I came back, he was always up and ready to tell me something new about his family’s latest adventures.
There was this one time that was different though. On a day close to the end of our first semester together, he suddenly stopped his rambling and stared at me with a really serious expression. The abrupt lack of background noise startled me from the article I was reading while humoring him, and when I saw his face I thought he must have been angry with me for ignoring him. “You know Michael,” he started as I prepared my apology, “I really appreciate that you listen to my stories every day. I know it must be boring and annoying for you, but you listen anyway and I appreciate that.
So I want to promise you something. Us Goodings, we don’t forget stuff like this. We take care of our friends. Just you wait, one day me and the whole family will find a way to thank you.” I shuddered at the thought of having to attend a graduation party with his entire family and hear about all their adventures first hand, but at that moment I realized that Robert was actually a pretty good guy.
Our year together came to an end, and the next year I was assigned a different roommate. Rambling Robert still sent me emails to keep me up to date with all his family happenings for a while, but even those stopped when he decided to transfer out to some college in Washington. I completed my degree in criminal psychology and went on to work as a detective for the DEA for a while. I had a great time there busting drug dealers and cleaning up the streets of my hometown, and my mom was so proud to have a real Officer Doe in the family. I was about 45 years old when they promoted me and had me relocated near the Mexican border to work on the drug traffic coming from the cartels. It was there that I finally met one of Robert’s infamous family members, Randall Gooding. He was my new supervisor, and when I showed up on the first day he greeted me like an old friend. He told me that he recognized my name and background from the stories Robert had told him, and he personally requested that I be sent down. I was surprised that Robert even talked about me, we had only known each other for a year, but it was nice to reminisce about the Goodings again. Randall was just as talkative as Robert was, and we hit it off almost immediately. It felt like I was in college again. His nickname around the office was Rambling Randy, which had me chuckling for at least a day. Robert, it turns out, was doing just fine. He was a doctor now somewhere in Texas, and I was happy that my old friend was able to make such a good life for himself.
Work was good for a few years until the cartel activity started to pick up dramatically. Nobody was sure why but we were suddenly inundated with arrests and busts and all kinds of paper work. Even Randy wasn’t as talkative around this time. It was all supposed to come to a head today. Today we were going to do a massive takedown on a processing plant operating just inside the border.
Our undercover agent had uncovered it while posing for a different case so Randy and I took the lead while the rest of the office continued monitoring the other operation. We enlisted the FBI and local SWAT teams for help and I thought everything was going to go smoothly until I got kidnapped right out of the parking lot on my way out of the office last night.
From the time they ripped the rucksack bag off of my head till the first rays of daylight, they questioned me. They were careful. All of them had clown masks on, the hard plastic kind that never quite fit the face right. All of them were wearing gloves and carrying weapons--some had guns, some had various wicked modifications of baseball bats and crowbars. The night was rough. They wanted to know how we found out about them, who we were working with, when the operation was going to go down, and a whole host of other questions. I was patient and waited. I gave them no information and suffered a few broken ribs and some teeth for it.
While they were questioning me, I took in my surroundings. I knew from the floor plans I had studied for the bust that I was in the processing plant, specifically in one of the raised offices at the end of the building. I could see the entire plant from the large window on the wall in front of me. I guessed that they did not know about our plans yet, so I contented myself to sit tight and wait for the bust to happen at 10AM.
However, it was around 6AM when I heard the sirens blaring in the distance. Maybe they stepped up the schedule when they found out I was kidnapped, I thought. My captors were awake in an instant and took up the preplanned positions we had predicted.
One of the guys carrying what looked like an M16 came cursing into the office where I was being held. After cracking me in the face with the butt of the gun, I felt more than heard him raise the muzzle level with the back of my head. Soon I heard an unfamiliar voice yell over a megaphone giving the normal spiel about being surrounded and to give up. Of course they refused to give up and began to use me as a bargaining chip. Randy’s voice came over the megaphone just before the first officer continued the negotiation, “Mikey! Just wait Mikey! Hang tight and don’t do anything stupid.”
The standoff lasted for hours. If it weren’t for the gun pressed on the nape of my neck, I would have probably passed out from boredom. Eventually things got real quiet. My guard started getting antsy and walked out--probably to check for new orders with his superiors. As soon as he left the room, a hundred glass windows shattered breaking the silence and raining shards of glass down on the main factory floor. White smoke obscured the first floor as tear gas flooded the facility. Shouting and gunfire followed as my captors opened fire. Amid the confusion and smoke I couldn’t tell who was winning. I did hear Randy’s voice at one point yelling orders like, “Dimitri, take the stairs and give Pauline some cover.” None of the officers who were supposed to be with us today were named Dimitri or Pauline. The din began to wither after only a few minutes and unseen officers began yelling, “Clear!” As the smoke dissipated, I expected to see the body armor and face masks of the SWAT teams who were supposed to be part of today’s operation. Instead I saw lots of men and a few women I had never seen before in various uniforms. Some were in army uniforms others were in suits, and there were even a few in civilian clothes. God, did they call the Army and CIA in on this? When Randy saw me, he came running up with one of the suited men who was carrying a bag.
“Mike! Thank God you’re still alive. I’m sorry we made you wait so long, but we had to wait for all the flights to make it before we could move.”
“What? What flights? Randy, what are you talking about?”
“We found out you were kidnapped at about midnight. The team that we were going to use wasn’t trained for hostage situations so I had to improvise. I made some calls around and got as many as I could to come down here. Good thing Nate here happened to have hostage experience. Nobody asked any questions after I brought your name up, we all know you thanks to Robert here.” He motioned at the suited man who was leaning in to assess me.
I frowned at the man and suddenly realized that his bag contained medical supplies. “Robert?” I choked the question out in disbelief.
He just gave me a small smile while he continued his work. “You mean to tell me that all of these guys… They’re all your family?”
Robert looked up from where he was examining my jaw with a wry smile, “I told you we don’t forget Mike. All the Goodings come to Doe’s who wait. ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ardq1o/the_story_of_mike_doe/
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What did the student say after learning all the symbols on the periodic table?

“Fluorine-Uranium-Carbon-Potassium this! Never again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ardpxk/what_did_the_student_say_after_learning_all_the/
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I always knock on the front door of my fridge ...

Just in case there is a salad dressing .
This was horrible lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ardpso/i_always_knock_on_the_front_door_of_my_fridge/
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What’s the difference between Ignorance and Apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ardp6u/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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The Story of a boy named Nate

There once was a boy named Nate. He lived across the street from a lever, that if it were to be pulled, the world would end.
One day, Nate was bored, so he decided to cross the street and check out this world-ending lever. However, on his way across the street, a truck came speeding down.
This truck driver had two options. Either hit Nate and kill him, or swerve, and hit the lever, ending the world. Not wanting to end the world, the truck driver hit Nate, killing him instantly.
Moral of the story: Better Nate than lever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ardoca/the_story_of_a_boy_named_nate/
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When my son learned about prime numbers, he told me that the Pledge of Allegiance would be better if we added three more states

Because 53 is indivisible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ardmng/when_my_son_learned_about_prime_numbers_he_told/
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[Long] Three men who speak different languages overheard some bits of English, so they said what they knew to try and learn the language.

"Us three!" Said the first man.
"Half a dollar!" The second one said.
"Sooner the better!" Cried the third.
Proud of their newfound skills of obtaining language, the  three repeated these lines as often as they could.
"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the better!"
"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the better!"
"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the better!"
And on they shouted their new language until they happened upon what appeared to be a murder scene. A passing patrolman approaches them and asks, "who killed this man?!"
"Us three!" The first man said gleefully.
"Why'd ya do it?!" The patrolman asked, aghast.
"Half a dollar! The second man proclaimed.
The exasperated patrolman delcared, "You know you could hang for this!!" To which the third man replied,
"Sooner the better!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ardl16/long_three_men_who_speak_different_languages/
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I broke up with my European girlfriend because we weren’t on the same page.

I’m 8 1/2 x 11. She’s A4.
It just didn’t feel right. We didn’t fit together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ardkgp/i_broke_up_with_my_european_girlfriend_because_we/
%
What's something that can stop water but never fails to make someone wet?

A kink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ardjqj/whats_something_that_can_stop_water_but_never/
%
knock-knock

who is there
ach
ach who
bless you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ardj7z/knockknock/
%
My Siamese twin recently passed away

But it's alright, it was about time to cut him out of my life anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ardh9j/my_siamese_twin_recently_passed_away/
%
What do you call an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ard9u9/what_do_you_call_an_agnostic_dyslexic_insomniac/
%
I asked my friend to lend me some Oxygen and Potassium.

He said O-K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ard94a/i_asked_my_friend_to_lend_me_some_oxygen_and/
%
I know a funny joke about a prison for underage offenders.

But it's juvenile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ard59h/i_know_a_funny_joke_about_a_prison_for_underage/
%
A cannibal father and son

A cannibal father & son
A cannibal father and son were out looking for food in a local park.
A obese guy comes by and the son ask “dad should we eat him,” father answers “no my son, he have to much fat, we’ll get to tired for days”.
A little while later a skinny man comes by and the son ask “what about him dad, should we eat him” the father answers “no my son, he is nothing but skin and bone, we’ll have to hunt again to soon”
After a while a gorgeous woman comes by, the son asks “what about her dad, she look delicious, she look edible” and the father answers “no my son, we take her home and eat your mom instead”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arcngn/a_cannibal_father_and_son/
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Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing

65% of my emails aren't going out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arcmv3/govt_statistics_show_that_35_of_all_school_kids/
%
A redneck couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.

The doctor started the procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arcjsc/a_redneck_couple_both_bona_fide_rednecks_had_9/
%
My friend said he wanted to make a living as a comedian...

I told him that that was a good start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arcim4/my_friend_said_he_wanted_to_make_a_living_as_a/
%
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

Nobody knows. It’s never been tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arceqr/how_many_frenchmen_does_it_take_to_defend_paris/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

(Hillbilly) Well I gots no i-dear-ah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arcei6/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
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I used to be addicted to not showering...

I’m proud to say I’m officially clean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arca5z/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_not_showering/
%
Procrastinating is like masturbating

It feels great until you realize you're just fucking yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arca4r/procrastinating_is_like_masturbating/
%
Yerr a unit of power, Harry

I'm a watt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arc9a5/yerr_a_unit_of_power_harry/
%
I'm giving up spreadsheets for 40 days.

Excel-lent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arc8in/im_giving_up_spreadsheets_for_40_days/
%
I’m going to be taking my drivers exam in a full stormtrooper outfit...

That way I won’t hit anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arc8c0/im_going_to_be_taking_my_drivers_exam_in_a_full/
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A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.

Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."
The man, however, did not cooperate.
Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.
"I collect taxes," the other replied.
"Then take my hand," Nasrudin said, upon which the man finally cooperated.
Nasrudin then turned to his friend and remarked, "Tax collectors speak the language of take, not the language of give.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arc69g/a_man_was_caught_in_a_river_current_and_hanging/
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Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you should never turn your back on your family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arc1xd/why_is_reverse_cowgirl_illegal_in_alabama/
%
Yo Mama so ugly...

Yo Mama so ugly that when she walked outside she was charged with indecent exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arc1k4/yo_mama_so_ugly/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender

I would have one dollar, some property, and a bunch of counterfeits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbtio/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to say!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbs69/why_did_the_student_get_upset_when_his_teacher/
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Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?

Because they always knew X was 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbrni/why_didnt_the_romans_find_algebra_very_challenging/
%
Why was the math lecture so long?

The professor kept going off on a tangent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbqwq/why_was_the_math_lecture_so_long/
%
How do you do math in your head?

Using imaginary numbers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbqrs/how_do_you_do_math_in_your_head/
%
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 300.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbqcz/a_farmer_counted_297_cows_in_the_field/
%
How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbpw3/how_do_you_stay_warm_in_any_room/
%
An older woman walks into a doctors office and asks the doctor if she could get a sample of viagra, but she doesn't want her husband to know about it.

The doctor agrees and tells her to slip it into his coffee and come back in a week and tell him how it goes. The old woman comes back a week later and the doctor asks her how it went. She tells him, "It was amazing! I slipped the pill in his coffee and he ripped my clothes off and made love to me right on the table like we were teenagers again!" The doctor then asks if there were any problems and she said, "Yeah, we're not allowed at Subways anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbpo0/an_older_woman_walks_into_a_doctors_office_and/
%
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

Because they're never right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbpm0/why_are_obtuse_angles_so_depressed/
%
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?

She's definitely plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbpdt/why_should_you_worry_about_the_math_teacher/
%
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbnry/why_cant_your_nose_be_12_inches_long/
%
A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"

"You see, Petya, every night my wife keeps having dreams where she's seeing Putin" says Dima.
"So?" says Petya.
Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop seeing him."
"What happened next?" probes Petya.
And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream where an FSB colonel hinted at me that I should leave this matter alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbiwv/a_russian_meets_his_friend_he_says_dima_my_friend/
%
me at the docters

so I was at the docters and the docter said you have a peeing disorder and that urine for a treat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbg9n/me_at_the_docters/
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My dad taught me that money and fame will come only if I succeed

Anybody knows who seed is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbcod/my_dad_taught_me_that_money_and_fame_will_come/
%
Filming *Aladdin* must have been physically very hard on Will Smith.

I understand that at the end of each day shooting he was black and blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbcll/filming_aladdin_must_have_been_physically_very/
%
What's the difference between an art major and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major will ask *why* you want fries with your Big Mac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbbvh/whats_the_difference_between_an_art_major_and_a/
%
Once there was a mathematician

. She wasn't very good at her job, but she really enjoyed it. She knew she couldn't make enough money to feed her family, so she decided to make money at night as a prostitute. She was surprised at how popular she became, quickly finding herself several regular customers. After one particularly good night, the man held her hand and asked, "That was amazing, you are an exquisite woman. I'm sorry for asking only now, but what is your name?"
The woman replied, "It's okay - it's The Thot That Counts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arbbt3/once_there_was_a_mathematician/
%
What music do mummies listen to?

Wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arb99x/what_music_do_mummies_listen_to/
%
Do mummies enjoy being mummies?

Of corpse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arb8zm/do_mummies_enjoy_being_mummies/
%
Dad, what is an alcoholic?

Me: Do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8.
Son: But Dad, there are only 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arb8ex/dad_what_is_an_alcoholic/
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[NSFW] Three guys go to a ski lodge. There aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed for the night.

In the morning, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "Last night I had the wildest, most vivid dream that I was getting a handjob!"
&nbsp;
The guy on the left wakes up and says, "That's incredible. I had the excact same dream!"
&nbsp;
The guy in the middle wakes up last and says, "Boy, I'm really excited to hit the slopes. Last night I had the most realistic dream that I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arb639/nsfw_three_guys_go_to_a_ski_lodge_there_arent/
%
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?

I WANT SAMOA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arb410/what_did_godzilla_say_after_he_devoured_hawaii/
%
Why do geese fly in a V formation?

Because if they walked it'd take too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arb03x/why_do_geese_fly_in_a_v_formation/
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What happens when an atheist and a Jehova’s witness have a son?

He knocks door to door for no reason at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arayhm/what_happens_when_an_atheist_and_a_jehovas/
%
Doctor : Does it hurt?

Mother : Yes, a lot.
Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/araxr9/doctor_does_it_hurt/
%
The blonde's password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arav0b/the_blondes_password/
%
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?

Because every play has a cast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arante/why_do_we_tell_actors_to_break_a_leg/
%
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aram1f/a_professor_a_ceo_and_a_janitor_are_in_a_forest/
%
A guy is driving around the backwoods

He sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: **Talking Dog For Sale.** He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aralit/a_guy_is_driving_around_the_backwoods/
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[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.
I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aral21/serious_just_a_reminder_to_be_careful_when/
%
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!"
And Carl says "I shit. You knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arakm0/carl_is_in_the_10th_year_of_a_life_sentence_when/
%
They say if you have to prove you're straight, you're probably gay

And that is undeniable proof that I'm straight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arae8s/they_say_if_you_have_to_prove_youre_straight/
%
An English cat named One Two Three and a French cat named Un Deux Trois raced each other across a lake. Who won?

One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/arabfo/an_english_cat_named_one_two_three_and_a_french/
%
How can you tell if a church in Europe has no money?

It’s Baroque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ara898/how_can_you_tell_if_a_church_in_europe_has_no/
%
A Therapist is complaining to his friend about not having any clients

His friend replies it may have something to do with putting his profession on the office door in such large font that it had to be broken into two words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ara7p9/a_therapist_is_complaining_to_his_friend_about/
%
What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ara79l/what_do_you_call_those_dead_pieces_of_green_stuff/
%
A man and his wife just bought a new beach house with their lottery winnings.

At the wife's insistence, they start planning a lavish party to get to know their new neighbors, and the husband is put in charge of securing catering. He orders all the other food she wants for the menu, but unfortunately he forgets the escargot, and by the time he realizes it's too late. He figures it's no big deal and doesn't bring it up until the day of the party. His wife is furious and kicks him out of the house with a bucket and a trowel, telling him not to come back until the bucket is full of snails.
So there he is walking down the beach collecting snails. He's actually gotten the bucket mostly full when he notices a beautiful woman sunbathing in the nude - next he notices the house she's in front of and realizes he's stumbled onto personal property. Though he's awestruck and also a little worried she'll call the police on him for trespassing, he works up the courage to introduce himself. They hit it off, she invites him in for drinks, and before he knows it he wakes up in the middle of the night in bed with her. Suddenly remembering why he was there in the first place, he runs out the door and grabs the snail bucket waiting outside, figuring he'll try to get home before his wife wakes up and try to come up with an excuse on the way.
A while later, the house is finally in sight. He gets to the door and quietly opens it. He tiptoes up the stairs to where the bedroom is. He makes it to the very top stair when suddenly he hears the bathroom door open. Startled, he drops the bucket; it rolls down the stairs, leaving a trail of snails all the way down. He looks up and there's his wife in her nightgown glaring at him. Thinking fast, he turns to the snails and calls out....
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ara61r/a_man_and_his_wife_just_bought_a_new_beach_house/
%
What does Edward Penis-hand fears the most?

An itching butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ara61v/what_does_edward_penishand_fears_the_most/
%
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?

It was two tired...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ara1tz/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_stand_up/
%
Did you hear about the Brit who had developed a pastry addiction?

He became a total sconer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar9z37/did_you_hear_about_the_brit_who_had_developed_a/
%
What do you call a midget fortune teller who escaped prison?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar9vij/what_do_you_call_a_midget_fortune_teller_who/
%
I call my boss and told him I can't come in today because I have a wee cough

He said, "You have a wee cough?"
I said, "Sure, I'll take a week off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar9tl8/i_call_my_boss_and_told_him_i_cant_come_in_today/
%
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship

. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar9ryl/a_male_whale_and_a_female_whale_were_swimming_off/
%
They say Norio Suzuki died in an avalanche while searching for the yeti.

But think about it for even a little bit, you'll realize this so-called avalanche is really just a massive cover-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar9nim/they_say_norio_suzuki_died_in_an_avalanche_while/
%
What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

A private tutor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar9mi4/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_never_farts_in_public/
%
"I banged the hottest chick of my class and now the whole town is talking about it."

~ Walter, 52, primary school teacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar9kva/i_banged_the_hottest_chick_of_my_class_and_now/
%
When a guy drives an excessively loud motorcycle or muscle car we know what they’re compensating for...

...they must have a really quiet penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar9jp8/when_a_guy_drives_an_excessively_loud_motorcycle/
%
Wanted to crack an ass joke

Butt fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar9h8z/wanted_to_crack_an_ass_joke/
%
Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can get a better grip on their broom stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar9e75/why_dont_witches_wear_panties/
%
Did you know there are so many lawyers in America that if you lined them up side by side

They would reach all the way into each other’s pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar9cut/did_you_know_there_are_so_many_lawyers_in_america/
%
John is sitting at a bar when a drunk biker comes up to him and says, “I fucked your mom.”

So John knocks the guy out with one punch.
Next, a huge-looking man with an eye patch and a scarred face walks up to him and says, “I fucked your mom.” John knocks that guy out with one punch, too.
Finally, an old, frail-looking man goes up to John and says, “Hey, bitch! I fucked your mom and she loved it!”
John stands up and says “Go home, dad. You’re drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar9biw/john_is_sitting_at_a_bar_when_a_drunk_biker_comes/
%
How much storage frees up when Great Britain leaves the EU?

1 GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar9a9v/how_much_storage_frees_up_when_great_britain/
%
Upon discovering that he lost WWII, hitler heads to his bunker and shoots himself with a pistol.

He feels himself ascending and a floaty feeling, and comes face to face with a glowing figure.
"Who the hell are you?" He asks.
"I'm an angel from heaven, mr Adolf!" Says the angel.
"Why am I in heaven? I've committed every single cardinal sin of the church!" exclaims Hitler.
"Well you're a hero!" Says the angel "You killed Hitler!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar96jg/upon_discovering_that_he_lost_wwii_hitler_heads/
%
I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar956j/i_told_myself_i_should_stop_drinking/
%
I was kicked out of the Army for prematurely ejaculating with a Senior Officer

Dishonorable discharge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar91df/i_was_kicked_out_of_the_army_for_prematurely/
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A guy is in a bar after work getting drunk when he throws up on himself.

He says to the bartender "*what am I going to do? My wife says if i came home drunk one more time she was kicking me out!"*
Bartender says, *"No worries, seen this before. Take $20 out of your wallet, put it in your jacket pocket. Tell your wife you were just having a couple of drinks, that's all, and some drunk next to you lost his lunch all over you and fellt so bad about it, he gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned. Works every time!!!"*
Guy says, "*That's a great idea!"*  Takes out a 20, puts it in his jacket pocket. *"Give me another double, bartender."*
He gets home a few hours later. His wife comes out, housecoat on, rollers in her hair, and says, "*Look at you! Drunk, puke all down the front of the shirt! I told you no more of this! Pack your stuff, It's over!"*
Guy says, "Ho*ney, listen! I was just having a couple drinks is all! Just a couple. Some drunk at the bar next to me got too drunk and threw up all over me! He even gave me $20 to get my shirt cleaned! If you don't believe me, check my jacket pocket."*
she looks in his jacket pocket, "*There's $40 in here."*
*"Yeah, he shit in my pants, too."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar916m/a_guy_is_in_a_bar_after_work_getting_drunk_when/
%
There was a fight in the fish & chip shop last night

Two men were battered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8xyj/there_was_a_fight_in_the_fish_chip_shop_last_night/
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A person in the interrogation room will not speak without his attorney present.

Officer: Sir, y*ou're* the lawyer, don't you know?
Lawyer: Yes, but where's my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8u15/a_person_in_the_interrogation_room_will_not_speak/
%
When you’re going somewhere

And someone asks “are you coming”
Try replying with “no, just breathing hard”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8p5e/when_youre_going_somewhere/
%
I always thought of my dad as a superhero

The Invisible Man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8nso/i_always_thought_of_my_dad_as_a_superhero/
%
I realise I was Dyslexic and gay...

When I was in daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8l2s/i_realise_i_was_dyslexic_and_gay/
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Parents: our baby won’t stop crying!

Doctor: how old is he?
Parents:one
Doctor:is he vaccinated?
Parents:no, why?
Doctor:I’m afraid he’s having a midlife crisis...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8l1s/parents_our_baby_wont_stop_crying/
%
A guy gets pulled over by a cop ...

The officer says, "Sir, did you know you have a broken tail light?"
The guy's wife, sitting next to him, says, "I told you to get that fixed."
The guy screams at his wife, "Shut the fuck up!"
The officer asks for license, and registration, and says, "Sir, your license is expired."
The wife says, "I told you to get that renewed!"
Guy yells, "I told you to shut the fuck up!"
Officer is now disturbed, and asks, "Ma'am, does he always speak to you that way?"
Wife says, "Only when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8kcx/a_guy_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
%
My nephew was doing his history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo?

I said, "He was a poor boy, from a poor family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8ju0/my_nephew_was_doing_his_history_homework_and/
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Why is my Internet provider called Virgin Media…

When my Wi-Fi goes down on me every night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8jf8/why_is_my_internet_provider_called_virgin_media/
%
Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8itn/cop_spots_a_guy_driving_past_with_a_south/
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My imaginary friend keeps making fun of me.

He says, “At least I have a real friend.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8ify/my_imaginary_friend_keeps_making_fun_of_me/
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Any salad can be a Caesar salad

If you stab it enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8hax/any_salad_can_be_a_caesar_salad/
%
I strongly believe in karma.

Like this other day i noticed a homeless man sitting in front of the supermarket. He seemed to have a difficult time.
I went into the supermarket and collected some stuff to give to the homeless man, i wrapped it up neatly in some wrapping paper and went back outside
The homeless man asked if i had some spare change. I told him "I dont have any spare change for you but i do have this present for you".
The homeless man couldnt help but put a big smile on his face and said: "My good sir i would happily take this gift"
I replied "You may have this gift under one condition". "Anything sir" the homeless man replied
"Dont you dare open it before you get home"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8f80/i_strongly_believe_in_karma/
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How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8f3a/how_many_members_of_a_specified_demographic_does/
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I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?
Me: “Username-valid ”
Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”
Me: “two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?”
Me: “two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?”
Me: “two?”
Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: “I don’t know? A lot?”
Homeless man: “Well username-valid, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8b27/i_was_walking_down_main_street_and_there_was_a/
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A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Priest are lost. They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

“I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn,” says the Farm Owner.
The Hindu immediately volunteers. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.
“I’m sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me.”
“No problem,” says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. “There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings.”
“I will go then, friends,” says the Priest, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It’s the cow and the pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar8abp/a_hindu_a_rabbi_and_a_priest_are_lost_they_wander/
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I had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone...

I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia-shaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said, “Well, in 27 years as a doctor I’ve never seen anything like it.
Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her fanny was shaped like a Mouth Organ” I said...
“That’ll be Our Monica”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar88bs/i_had_to_go_to_the_doctors_yesterday_and_having/
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Ted Bundy was out one day having a lovely stroll with a lady friend.

They were walking through a gorgeous, secluded forest. After walking a while the sun was setting and it began to get dark.
The young lady turned to Ted and said, 'It's starting to look creepy here, I'm scared'.
Ted looked at her astonished and replied 'You're scared? How do you think I feel, I have to walk back out of here alone'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar87ur/ted_bundy_was_out_one_day_having_a_lovely_stroll/
%
This morning I ripped 'afresh' and 'anew' from my dictionary.

Tonight, I will kill again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar85s7/this_morning_i_ripped_afresh_and_anew_from_my/
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What are corrupt cops

Just bunch of undercover criminals!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar85if/what_are_corrupt_cops/
%
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?"
He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.
He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," She replies.
"You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar84qm/at_a_hotel_restaurant_a_man_sees_an_attractive/
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I’ve been working on a film about menstruation in the 60s.

It’s a period piece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar80rb/ive_been_working_on_a_film_about_menstruation_in/
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I called Suicide Helpline, they didn't help me commit suicide.

They left me hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7y4c/i_called_suicide_helpline_they_didnt_help_me/
%
A polar bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "what'll it be?"
The bear says "I'll have a gin......and tonic."
the bartender says "ok, but why the big pause?"
The bear looks down and says "I don't know, I've always had them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7xn9/a_polar_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man goes to the circus.

After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.
"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.
"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.
"Pssh, a lot of people can do that".
"Oh well", the man says and flies away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7w2q/a_man_goes_to_the_circus/
%
I dont think its easy being gay

Why? Well first of all gay sex is a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7uin/i_dont_think_its_easy_being_gay/
%
When it's sunny, I think, beer garden! When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while. When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.

I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7u23/when_its_sunny_i_think_beer_garden_when_it_rains/
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If laziness was an Olympic sport,

I would come fourth to save walking up to the Podium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7tt1/if_laziness_was_an_olympic_sport/
%
Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7olx/give_an_eevee_a_water_stone_and_it_turns_into/
%
I ate a clock earlier

It was really time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7o2h/i_ate_a_clock_earlier/
%
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7nar/my_flatearther_friend_decided_to_walk_to_the_end/
%
Today, I passed a basketball to a blind kid...

When he gave it back a while later, he said it was a really good book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7ltg/today_i_passed_a_basketball_to_a_blind_kid/
%
One day, the teacher enters the classroom...

As she walks in, she spots a message written on the board: “Johnny has a huge penis”, she erases the board, and proceeds with class.
In  the next day as she walk in, the message is written again in the board: “Johnny has  a huge penis”, she them looks at the class and asks who wrote that, but  no one answers. She then erases the message and starts class.
Next  day, the same thing occurred: “Johnny has a huge penis” written on the board. She  then goes mad, looks at Johnny and yells “I will speak with you after  class young man!”
In the next day as she enters the class, written even bigger in the board is “Marketing is the key of success!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7lsb/one_day_the_teacher_enters_the_classroom/
%
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7kc7/a_man_takes_his_rottweiler_to_the_vet/
%
A man is out driving his Lada when it brakes down on the autobahn

Soon afterwards a porsche pulls up behind the Lada, "do you want a tow?" The porsche driver offers.
"Yes please" exclaims the Lada driver "I will put on my indicators if I think you are going too fast"
The porsche driver agrees and sets off towing the Lada,
After about half an hour a Lamborghini comes alongside the porsche and challenges the driver to a race,
Forgetting about the Lada the porsche driver accepts the challenge and the two of them fly down the autobahn at top speed,
About 5km later a man siting by himself outside of a roadside pub sees the three cars flying by
He rushes back into the pub and exlaims to his friends "You will NEVER guess what I just saw"
"What?" Ask the mans friends eager to find out what he saw,
"I just saw a Porsche and a Lamborghini racing down the autobahn and a Lada indicating to overtake".
Credit: German fellow who came through work today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7kae/a_man_is_out_driving_his_lada_when_it_brakes_down/
%
Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7ba3/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_playground/
%
What’s more ironic than waking up tired?

Dying in the living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar7api/whats_more_ironic_than_waking_up_tired/
%
Call a woman beautiful and she forgets it within 10 minutes...

Call a woman fat and she remembers it for life. You know why? Cause elephants never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar775l/call_a_woman_beautiful_and_she_forgets_it_within/
%
Why do articles by the Washington Post always elicit shock and surprise?

Well, they wanted to be called “Town Gasp: No Shit!”  Until management rearranged the spelling to be less offensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar756g/why_do_articles_by_the_washington_post_always/
%
what do you call an off brand Tesla?

An Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar744o/what_do_you_call_an_off_brand_tesla/
%
Yesterday, I saw my girlfriend with another guy and couldn’t do anything

because I was with my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar71js/yesterday_i_saw_my_girlfriend_with_another_guy/
%
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.

A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar6zgx/a_recent_study_has_found_that_beer_contains/
%
I really like to people watch...

Mostly just this one woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar6wnf/i_really_like_to_people_watch/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.
When does the punchline become apparent?
After the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar6r00/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how it's like there.

He said he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar6qw8/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_its_like_there/
%
Little Johnny asks the teacher

,“Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?” - Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!” - Little Johnny is relieved, “OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar6kor/little_johnny_asks_the_teacher/
%
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it 23 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar6jhj/how_do_you_make_any_salad_into_a_caesar_salad/
%
My grandpa has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar6g1r/my_grandpa_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar6g0z/i_was_banging_this_hot_chick_on_her_kitchen_table/
%
My mom didn’t like my report card.

I said okay.
She said she wants more A’s.
I said okaaaaaaaaaaaay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar6fc4/my_mom_didnt_like_my_report_card/
%
An FBI agent runs out of his office

and screams for 2 more agents in his office ASAP.
2 lower-ranking agents come running in.
He sits them down in front of 2 computers and says, "I need you to pretend to be developers on this GitHub repository."
These agents, not too high up in the chain of command, follow this strang order immediately, not raising a single question as to his motivations.
They set up fake GitHub accounts and fake credentials and even make a minor contribution or two with the help of the cybersecurity dept..
After a  few days, however, these agents get curious and ask the original agent why there were doing this.
With a short laugh and a smug smile, he said: "repo-sting".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar6da4/an_fbi_agent_runs_out_of_his_office/
%
You’re American right before you enter a restroom but what are you once you’re in there?

European.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar6ci5/youre_american_right_before_you_enter_a_restroom/
%
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
“We’ll do it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar67bi/a_cop_pulls_over_a_car_with_two_priests_the_cop/
%
Did you hear Aerosmith just wrote a Chinese cookbook?

Wok This Way!
>;]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar65lq/did_you_hear_aerosmith_just_wrote_a_chinese/
%
How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar61ag/how_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
%
What do you call a royal pig that is falling asleep?

Prince Nodding Ham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5ysn/what_do_you_call_a_royal_pig_that_is_falling/
%
2 bikers going for a ride...

They decided to stop for a leak off the side of a bridge. As they're doing their business, one biker says "jeez, the water's cold". The other one says "jeez, the bottoms rough...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5ydv/2_bikers_going_for_a_ride/
%
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.

One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5x6c/i_knew_a_detective_who_always_wore_a_cat_costume/
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Doctor Joke

Doctor: What brings you here?
Patient: My car hahaha
Doctor: \*writing in chart\*  not sexually active

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5wai/doctor_joke/
%
I asked my girlfriend if they serve whales at red lobster.

That way next time we go we know if we can bring her mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5w6y/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_they_serve_whales_at_red/
%
A Jewish woman turns to her husband and asks,

# "Joseph, what is my love worth to you?"
# Joseph thinks for a while and replies," Am I buying or selling?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5w2a/a_jewish_woman_turns_to_her_husband_and_asks/
%
Did you hear about the person that lost all his left side?

He's all right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5v11/did_you_hear_about_the_person_that_lost_all_his/
%
If a transgender gets surgery to be turned back to their natural-born sex...

Then does that make them a trans-former?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5tz2/if_a_transgender_gets_surgery_to_be_turned_back/
%
What do you call two lesbians doing Drugs?

Molly on Molly on molly on molly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5mhe/what_do_you_call_two_lesbians_doing_drugs/
%
My friends started discussing bestiality

but I didn't really want to go down that rabbit hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5m5k/my_friends_started_discussing_bestiality/
%
A man and a woman hits it off at a dance...

They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress.
The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio.
She looked at him confused. “You mean polio?”
He shook his head and replied, “No…toe-lio.”
He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that.
He told her, “When I was eight, I got the kneesles.”
“You mean measles?”
“No…kneesles.”
Then he removed his underwear. She sighed…
“Let me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5jjt/a_man_and_a_woman_hits_it_off_at_a_dance/
%
A rabbi was an avid golfer

The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn't play. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I'll be back in time for services."
Sure enough, at the end of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and God.  Moses said, "Look how terrible -- a Jew on Yom Kippur. And even worse! A rabbi!"
God replied "Watch. I'm going to teach him a lesson."
The rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a hole in one!
Seeing all this, Moses protested. "God, is this how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!"
"Sure," said God, "but who's he going to tell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5ibg/a_rabbi_was_an_avid_golfer/
%
Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job

knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5hwk/working_at_the_jobcentre_has_to_be_a_tense_job/
%
I am a social vegan

I avoid meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5h3x/i_am_a_social_vegan/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5en2/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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What does Linus Torvalds get when he drops his popcorn?

Kernel panic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5cm5/what_does_linus_torvalds_get_when_he_drops_his/
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Today i put down my favorite dog...

He was getting to fat to carry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5c4o/today_i_put_down_my_favorite_dog/
%
Why can't blondes dial 911?

They can't find the number eleven on the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5ayp/why_cant_blondes_dial_911/
%
I find all these obese jokes horrible.

Don't you think they have enough on their plate already?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar5376/i_find_all_these_obese_jokes_horrible/
%
A guy goes to an Indian restaurant and orders some breadsticks

The waiter said they had naan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar51tz/a_guy_goes_to_an_indian_restaurant_and_orders/
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How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar4zye/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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A Rabbi, Priest and a Minister go golfing...

The three of them are trying to decide what to do with all of the donations they've received.
The priest has the first idea. "Let's draw a circle on the ground, throw all the money in the air and everything that lands inside of the circle we give back to God and everything that lands outside of it we can use for ourselves!"
The Minister thinks about it for a moment and comes up with another idea. "Let's throw all the money in the air and whatever lands outside the circle we give back to God and anything that lands inside the circle we can use for ourselves!"
After a few minutes the Rabbi says "Gentleman, I have an even better idea, we throw all the money in the air and whatever God wants, he keeps!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar4xow/a_rabbi_priest_and_a_minister_go_golfing/
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You know, i get really excited about pastries.

I guess you could say im a dough nut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar4qhm/you_know_i_get_really_excited_about_pastries/
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Why don't farts graduate high school?

Because they always get expelled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar4osu/why_dont_farts_graduate_high_school/
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Electromagnetism conference

I used my friend Michael's identity to enter an electromagnetism conference.
I was Michael for a day.
PS: my first oc joke, please be kind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar4jve/electromagnetism_conference/
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I went turkey hunting recently with my new shotgun...

scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen foods section.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar4gt0/i_went_turkey_hunting_recently_with_my_new_shotgun/
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What's the difference between a tampon and a cowboy hat?

Cowboy hats are for assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar4db0/whats_the_difference_between_a_tampon_and_a/
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Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.
God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.
Man: What?! Just three? I want at least 10 wishes.
God: Are you mad, mortal? Have you forgotten your place? I am offering you three, take it or leave it.
Man: Ok, I'll take three but you have to give me your word. You can't backtrack on any of these.
God: Do you doubt my power? I can do anything. Of course I won't backtrack. I give you my word.
Man: First wish, I wish that the hammer in your hand would turn into a stick.
God: (*laughing*) You really *are* insane. All the things in the whole world and you wish for this?? Ok whatever, here you go.
Hammer turns into stick.
Man: Now I wish that you put that stick up your arse.
God: (*furiously*) What?!! How dare you ask for such a thing.
Man:You gave me your word. This is my second wish. You have to do it.
God: (*hesitantly*) Ok fine.
Puts the stick up his arse.
Man: Now dear Sucellus, are you giving me my ten wishes or you want me to turn that stick back into hammer again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar48xa/once_a_man_decided_to_worship_a_celtic_god_of/
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They say that a good romance starts with a strong foundation, chemistry and flirting

Whereas a bad romance starts with a RA RA AH AH AH, ROMA ROMA-MA, GAGA OH LA LA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar48op/they_say_that_a_good_romance_starts_with_a_strong/
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My kids got so mad when I cooked pancakes for breakfast

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar46ta/my_kids_got_so_mad_when_i_cooked_pancakes_for/
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A kid walks into the bathroom with his dad shaving...

A kid walks into the bathroom with his dad shaving. Dad cuts himself:
Dad: "*Shit!"*
Son: "*What does that mean?"*
Dad: "*It's just shaving."*
He soon walks into the kitchen with his mum stuffing a turkey. She gets her hand stuck:
Mum: "*Fuck!"*
Son: "*What does that mean?"*
Mum: "*It's just stuffing a turkey."*
Later on, the kid explains how his dad was shitting in front of him & his mum was fucking a turkey in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar46nb/a_kid_walks_into_the_bathroom_with_his_dad_shaving/
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A man with a small penis needs constant reassurance

Am i right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3yoh/a_man_with_a_small_penis_needs_constant/
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There was this really good post on r/jokes;

Too bad I've already Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3tgr/there_was_this_really_good_post_on_rjokes/
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What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3r51/what_language_does_the_post_office_at_hogwarts/
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just beat the shit out of the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3pv7/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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I could have been hired to NASA but I was on vacation...

Later, I was mourning the death of an Opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3peo/i_could_have_been_hired_to_nasa_but_i_was_on/
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So three rabbi's and their wives all die and are on their way to heaven...

They get stopped by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. The first rabbi and his wife approach Saint Peter and he asks,
"Why should I let you into heaven?"
The rabbi responds, "Well Saint Peter, I'm a rabbi. I've been a man of God my whole life. I should be let into heaven!"
Saint Peter tells him "While that may be true, I'm afraid you are obsessed with money. So much so, that you even married a woman named Penny!" And so he turned them away.
The next rabbi and his wife approach, and are asked the same question and give the same response. To which Saint Peter says,
"I'm afraid I cant let you in, as you are infatuated with food. So much so, that you even married a woman named Patty!" And so he turned them away.
Before the last rabbi and his wife approach, he turns to her and exclaims,
"Look, I don't think hes going to let us in here either Fanny!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3mvh/so_three_rabbis_and_their_wives_all_die_and_are/
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Hockey players are like goldfish

The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3m5a/hockey_players_are_like_goldfish/
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There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, those who don't

, and those who weren't expecting a ternary joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3ldn/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world_those/
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A man at a sperm bank drinks a glass of milk...

The doctor walks in and says: "Oh no! What did you with that glass?"
The man says nervously:  "I drank it, w-why do you ask?"
The doctor says: "That was MY glass of milk you asshole"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3kqh/a_man_at_a_sperm_bank_drinks_a_glass_of_milk/
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How does a Scotsman find his sheep in tall grass?

Quite satisfying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3j4x/how_does_a_scotsman_find_his_sheep_in_tall_grass/
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Two blind men walk into a bar

One of them sneezes and the other one says : Hey can you open up a can of coke for me too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3i92/two_blind_men_walk_into_a_bar/
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The kings daughter

gets married to the prince of the neighboring kingdom. He couldn't bear that his precious darling is going away with another man. He calls his best spy to check on her and to ensure she's being treated well as the prince's wife.
The next day the spy comes and reports to the king. "The princess was treated as a true royal in the other kingdom. The people loved her, and threw her a large parade."
Then what happened, said the King.
My Lord, they retired to the royal bedroom.
Then what happened.
Well, the princess said, "Dear noble prince, I offer you my honor." To which the prince said, "My lady I honor your offer."
Then what happened, asked the king?
The same thing, My Lord, honor, offer, honor, offer the whole night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3hw0/the_kings_daughter/
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At the gates of the Vatican, there stood a jew demanding to meet with the pope.

The cardinals on gate duty knew him to be the head of an ancient Jewish family, that had tried to meet with The Pope for generations.
As they were shooing him away, The Pope walked by and heard the commotion.
"what is going on?" he asked.
"Your Grace, it is simply a jew who wishes to meet with you. For generations his family has tried, and we have always turned them away" the cardinal explained.
"Nonsense! The house of God is open for all. Bring him to me" The Pope instructed.
Once inside, The Pope greeted the man, and thus their conversation began.
"I hear your family has been trying to meet with me for generations" the pope said
"yes, for countless generations my family has been trying to reach the anointed representative of God" the jew said.
"and now we're here. Tell me, what do you need from me?" the pope asked, as he leaned forward on his chair.
"well your grace, surely you remember the last supper?" the jew asked.
"of course! It is one of our most sacred traditions" The Pope exclaimed
"well your grace, here is the bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3ek1/at_the_gates_of_the_vatican_there_stood_a_jew/
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What do you call a Gungan with bad dental hygiene?

Tartar Binks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3edw/what_do_you_call_a_gungan_with_bad_dental_hygiene/
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Contractions work almost the same as the full two-word phrase, but are only appropriate at certain places in a sentence.

It’s just another strange part of this language we’ve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar3e3y/contractions_work_almost_the_same_as_the_full/
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The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar37jv/the_amount_of_valentines_day_cards_i_got_this/
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Having a cat is just like having a girlfriend ...

They both
* wail and moan when you neglect to feed them
* bite and scratch when you try to pet them
* keep escaping from the basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar37jm/having_a_cat_is_just_like_having_a_girlfriend/
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Women are actually turning into good drivers

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar33i5/women_are_actually_turning_into_good_drivers/
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Two old men were sitting at the park, just Watching people stroll by.

“Ralph,” one says “how long have we been sitting here?”
“‘Round about 40 minutes, Fred, why?”
“I think that’s the same guy we saw yesterday, selling those buttons.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right. Think those people realize it’s a scam?”
“Probably not,” Fred said, raising his voice, “BUT THAT COP MIGHT.”
At that, the button peddler looked around, threw what he could into a bag, and made a break for it.
“Well, imagine that.” Fred comment.
“What?”
“That haberdasher had to dasherway.”
“Shut up Fred.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar31o2/two_old_men_were_sitting_at_the_park_just/
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What did the corn boy say when he lost his kernels?

THIS SHUCKS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar308a/what_did_the_corn_boy_say_when_he_lost_his_kernels/
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair

so she goes to a gun shop and buys a revolver.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar305w/a_young_blonde_woman_is_distraught_because_she/
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I tried some anti-masturbation hand cream for the first time.

It's fantastic - can't beat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2xlf/i_tried_some_antimasturbation_hand_cream_for_the/
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Today I saw 2 blind men fighting...

I shouted, "I bet $10 on the one with the knife!"
They both ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2xdh/today_i_saw_2_blind_men_fighting/
%
Why are millionaires sticky?

Because they're rolling in dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2vjw/why_are_millionaires_sticky/
%
If Korean pop is K-pop

Then Korean Rap is KRAP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2v9i/if_korean_pop_is_kpop/
%
Two men were having a drink together.

One says “I had sex with my wife before we were married. What about you?” “I don’t know,” says the other. “What was her maiden name?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2v89/two_men_were_having_a_drink_together/
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A husband and wife attend the same fair every year for 50 years

Every year the husband asks his wife if they can go on the helicopter tour for $50 and she says no, because $50 is $50.
On the 50th year at the fair the husband is arguing with his wife about going on the ride and she gives him the same response: "no, $50 is $50."
This year the pilot hears them and tells them he will let them ride for free if they can go the entire flight without saying a word. They enthusiastically agree.
The pilot takes them up and immediately starts doing his stunt maneuvers to get them to say anything.
The pilot flips, spins, dives, and rolls but to his dismay the old couple remained quiet.
The helicopter lands and the pilot says, "you know, I really didn't think you guys had it in you, but I'll be damned. You two didn't utter a peep the whole ride!"
The husband responded, "well I was gonna tell you when she fell out, but you know, $50 is $50!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2t3o/a_husband_and_wife_attend_the_same_fair_every/
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3 sinners want to be saved.

Three sinners walk into a Catholic church wanting to be saved.
The priest tells them "go out, commit a sin, come back tomorrow, tell us your sin and then drink this holy water and you will be saved."
They all leave and commit a sin.
The next day they all come back to the church.
The first guy walks up to the priest and the priest asks "what did you do?" The first guy says "I stole candy from a baby." The priest says "now drink this holy water and you will be saved." The man drinks it and says "mmmm lemony." The last guy has to hold back some laughter.
The second guy walks up to the priest. The priest asks "what did you do?" The second guy says " I stole money from an old lady." The priest goes "drink this holy water and you will be saved." The second guy drinks it and says "mmmm tangy." At this point the third guy is laughing his ass off.
Finally the third guy walks up to the priest and the priest asks "what did you do?" And the third guy says "I peed in the holy water!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2sdx/3_sinners_want_to_be_saved/
%
A man walks into a fishmongers carrying a salmon under his arm.

“Do you make fish cakes?” he asks.
“Of Course,” says the fishmonger.
“Oh Good,” replies the man, “it’s his birthday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2r49/a_man_walks_into_a_fishmongers_carrying_a_salmon/
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Studies show that 9 out of 10 men struggle with erectile dysfunction

I think that's crazy. Men nowadays are just getting soft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2oei/studies_show_that_9_out_of_10_men_struggle_with/
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So there are three brothers, one called “manners”, one called “trouble” and one called “shut up”

One day they were playing hide and seek and “shut up” was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.
They looked for hours and still couldn’t find him, so eventually they went to the police station.
“Manners” was shy so he stayed outside, but “shut up” went in to talk to an officer.
Officer: Hello young man what’s your name?
Shut up: Shut up
Officer: how rude!!! Where are your manners?!?
Shut up: waiting outside
Officer: and what are you doing here then?
Shut up: I’m looking for trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2npl/so_there_are_three_brothers_one_called_manners/
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In his spare time my dad races pigeons

I don’t know why, he never beats them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2mwr/in_his_spare_time_my_dad_races_pigeons/
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Man says to wife

'I had a wet dream about you last night,'
"Really?" She says
'yes' says the man 'I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2m9q/man_says_to_wife/
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A golfer is playing golf by himself one Sunday morning. He comes to a par 3 that goes over a lake.

Dejectedly he takes an old scruffed up ball out of his bag and tees it up.
Suddenly he hears a loud , commanding voice from above say: “TEE UP A NEW BALL.”
He looks around surprised, then opens a brand new sleeve of Titleist and tees one up.
He hears the voice again: “ TAKE A PRACTICE SWING”.
So he steps back and takes his best practice swing.
He hears the voice again: “TEE UP AN OLD BALL.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2lg0/a_golfer_is_playing_golf_by_himself_one_sunday/
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What does a perfect joke never said have in common with Mars?

A missed Opportunity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2le6/what_does_a_perfect_joke_never_said_have_in/
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I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...

...sadly, he took my cue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2laz/i_hinted_to_my_friend_that_if_he_wanted_to/
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I wrote a joke on Malaysian flight MH370...

....but don't know where it went.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2kpb/i_wrote_a_joke_on_malaysian_flight_mh370/
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A priest, a biologist, and a mathematician sit down in a cafe.

As they chat, they see two men go into the bathroom. After a few minutes the bathroom door opens and three men walk out.
The priest says excitedly: “I swear that bathroom was empty. We have just witnessed a miracle!”
The biologist answers: “There must be a natural explanation. They have probably reproduced.”
The mathematician moves around uncomfortably in his chair and says: “Look, guys, I don’t care. I really, really need to go the bathroom. I’m just waiting for a third person to go in there so that it will be empty again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2fd8/a_priest_a_biologist_and_a_mathematician_sit_down/
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“I stand corrected.”

Said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2ewo/i_stand_corrected/
%
My first time posting on /r/Jokes was like being a UPS driver.

Because I fucked up the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2dr0/my_first_time_posting_on_rjokes_was_like_being_a/
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A priest, scientist and rabbi are discussing when life begins.

The priest says the answer is obvious, it begins at conception as decreed by God.
The scientist says no it begins at birth as at that point it can live outside of it's mother.
The rabbi says you are both wrong. It starts when the dog dies and the kids move out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2d42/a_priest_scientist_and_rabbi_are_discussing_when/
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I know karate, judo, jujitsu...

And a few more Japanese words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar2ci7/i_know_karate_judo_jujitsu/
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A drink in Hell

A man dies and goes to hell, and on his first day the Devil gives him a tour.
The man is paying attention and seeing the sites (torture sites, internet comment sections, etc.) and he gets really hot and thirsty.
Coincidentally, the next stop on the tour is the only place to get a drink in Hell, but they only serve fruit punch.
They get to the Punch Room, and the line is the longest thing he's ever seen. Despite this, the man gets in line.
After 5000 years, the man finally gets to the table, and orders a glass of punch.
The Demon behind the counter says "Sorry, this was a fake. Everyone knows the real punch line is in the comments"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar271m/a_drink_in_hell/
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A nun travelling to the Vatican fell out of her hotel window

Falling from the 10th floor, all she could do was pray to God to save her. To her surprise, a man catches her at the 8th floor,
He said "Let me touch your t!ts or I'll let go"
"I'd rather die than commit such sin!"
The man then let her go and the nun prays harder to God .At the 5th floor another man catches her
"Suck my d!ck or I'll let go"
"I'd rather die than commit such sin!"
As she was getting closer to the ground, she'd made up her mind, she prayed to God for forgiveness as she'll do anything as long as she live.
Then on the 2nd floor a man catches her. This must be an 'Ok' from God she thought. Before the man was able to say anything the nun said
"Touch my t!ts suck, your d!ck I'll do anything you want just save me!"
The pope, surprised and utterly disgusted, let go of the nun in response

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar26wq/a_nun_travelling_to_the_vatican_fell_out_of_her/
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Sex with me is like an earthquake

Lasts less than a minute and leaves you wondering what the hell just happened

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar229z/sex_with_me_is_like_an_earthquake/
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals.

I M LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar21p3/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_and_500/
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I spent Valentine's Day the old fashioned way

Running around in a diaper shooting arrows at people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar1u0k/i_spent_valentines_day_the_old_fashioned_way/
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I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar1q25/i_remember_when_i_was_a_little_boy_an_old_man/
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I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar1gw5/i_ate_five_alarm_chili_last_night/
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What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The location of the dirtbag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar1f0u/whats_the_difference_between_a_harley_and_a_hoover/
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I slept with a married woman on V day

Wife was thrilled, needless to say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar17kk/i_slept_with_a_married_woman_on_v_day/
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Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist.

It's called Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar169u/just_found_an_app_that_tells_you_which_of_your/
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Guy rubs genie bottle and he gives him 3 wishes but...

The genie tells him there's a catch:
"anything you wish for, your mother-in-law with get double the amount and more!"
Guy is fine with that.
Guy:"I wish I was the richest man in the world!"
Poof, mother in law becomes richest woman in the world.
Guy: "Ok, I want to be the smartest man in the world"
Poof.
Genie: "Now choose carefully. Your mother in law is probably the happiest woman in the world right now."
Guy: "I want a near death experience."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar13d6/guy_rubs_genie_bottle_and_he_gives_him_3_wishes/
%
NSFW: An elderly lady gets out of the bath, ties a towel as a cape, runs and jumps in front of her husband.

She yells "Super Pu$$y!"
Old man thinks for a second and says "I'll take the soup!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar134i/nsfw_an_elderly_lady_gets_out_of_the_bath_ties_a/
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What's the difference between a good movie and my uncle?

Nothing. They both touch me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar11g6/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_movie_and_my/
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My therapist says I have schizophrenia

Jokes on her I don't even have a therapist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0ywo/my_therapist_says_i_have_schizophrenia/
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What is Mario’s favorite island?

Oahuuuuuuuu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0yjo/what_is_marios_favorite_island/
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A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.
The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.
So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his vodka and drinks it all at once as well.
To answer that, the American orders a bottle of whiskey and drinks it all in one shot.
The Ukrainian asks for a bottle of vodka and also drinks it all at once.
The American then, to show how strong he was, took his bottle of whiskey and broke it on his head.
The Ukrainian took a bottle of vodka and broke it on his head as well.
The American then got upset because he did not know how to show he was better than the Ukrainian. And then he remembered. He gets up, stands next to the Ukrainian, he unzips his pants, takes out his 25 cm long penis and says this is Bill.
The Ukrainian starts laughing, stands up, unzips his pants and takes out two 30 cm penises and says this is Chernobyl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0sur/a_black_man_from_the_usa_200_cm_tall_enters_a/
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If you overdose on drugs you don’t go to Heaven or Hell...

You go to Percatory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0rys/if_you_overdose_on_drugs_you_dont_go_to_heaven_or/
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A Cowboy is looking in the market for a new horse...

He walks in to town and sees on a churches sign horse for free come inside and ask the pastor.
The Cowboy walks and talkes to the pastor:
Cowboy: So... I hear you have a horse for free?
Pastor: I sure do, but you have to know that this horse is special. It will only move forward when you say hallelujah and will only stop when you say Amen. Also the more you say hallelujah the horse will go faster.
Cowboy: alright I think I can handle that.
The Cowboy hops on horse and says hallelujah!
The horse starts to walk forward slowly.
Cowboy: c'mon horsey you can go faster than that! HALLELUJAH!
The horse starts of in a trot. Seeing the increase in speed the cowboys continues to say hallelujah all through the town. The horse keeps getting faster and faster.
Now at the edge of this town there is a cliff. The Cowboy notices this and suddenly forgets how to make the horse stop.
The Cowboy tried as many religious ways to make a horse stop but to no avail. He finally prays
Dear lord, can you please stop this horse for I will surely perish. Amen.
The horse stops smack at the edge of the cliff.
The Cowboy is so relieved he raises his hands to the sky and shouts.
HALLELUJAH!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0ryi/a_cowboy_is_looking_in_the_market_for_a_new_horse/
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A woman was in a coma for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!"
The husband said, "I think she choked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0qhk/a_woman_was_in_a_coma_for_months/
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The Lord said, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But James came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0psw/the_lord_said_come_forth_and_receive_eternal_life/
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Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony
Sorry I guess you couldn’t handle the joke
I’m gonna dig up some more
I’ll spade you of any more puns
If you couldn’t sit through that you’re a tool
(Please don’t steel this joke it took me a long time to come up with it (credit to u/ImToastedBruh for the steel part))

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0ipk/why_do_shovels_hate_digging_up_metal/
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Why did the blind woman die from an easily curable disease?

She never went to see a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0ijx/why_did_the_blind_woman_die_from_an_easily/
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Some say Trump is mentally unfit after declaring a national emergency?

However, it's all due to Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0gxh/some_say_trump_is_mentally_unfit_after_declaring/
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I went to the library looking for a copy of the Kama sutra...

I couldn't find it. So I complained to the librarian.
They Replied "Ah that's cause it's in a different position every week"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0fdt/i_went_to_the_library_looking_for_a_copy_of_the/
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There are 3 types of people in this world.

Those that can do math, and those that can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0dei/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0c9c/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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After coming to work this morning, all of us were shocked to find out that our firm has been taken over by a company in Madrid.

No one expects the Spanish acquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0bk2/after_coming_to_work_this_morning_all_of_us_were/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ar0aqs/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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Who Did Princess Leia's Hair? (My daughter's joke)

Darth Braider
(I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqzv6h/who_did_princess_leias_hair_my_daughters_joke/
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Greg is up stairs waiting on his wife to get out of the shower...

As soon as she gets out he hops in and theres a ring at the door. So the wife goes down in her robe and answers the door and its their neighbor Fred. “How ya doin Fred” she asks. Fred says to her “If you drop that robe right now ill give you $500.” So she does it and Fred hands her the $500. Fred goes home and she heads back up stairs. As she gets up there Greg is getting out the shower and asks “Who was at the door?” “Fred” she says. So Greg asks “ Oh, did he give you that $500 he owes me?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqzuxv/greg_is_up_stairs_waiting_on_his_wife_to_get_out/
%
A homeless guy sees a lady about to kill herself.

He walks up to her  standing on the edge of a tall bridge and says, “hey I know what you’re about to do, and I won’t pretend to understand or stop you, but before you do, can we please have sex? It’s been a really long time.
She replies, no you sicko!”
So he says “it’s cool. I’ll just go wait at the bottom.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqzsfg/a_homeless_guy_sees_a_lady_about_to_kill_herself/
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A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.
The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to flicking channels and stuffing food in his mouth.
The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. And turn the TV off.
“Now you look here! You come home late, don’t even say hello, don’t explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn’t you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all you do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even….
The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. “Damn” he mutters to himself, “it’s started”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqzova/a_man_rushes_home_late_from_work_slams_the_door/
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My ex was really homophobic

As soon as she learned i was gay she dumped me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqznv3/my_ex_was_really_homophobic/
%
A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools. The bartender looks at him and asks him what he'd like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself.

The bartender looks at the man and says, "Four shots for yourself? What's the special occasion?", to which the man replies, "First blowjob." The bartender puts on a congratulatory smile and pats the man on the shoulder and says he'll give him a fifth shot on the house. To which the man says, "No thanks, if four shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqzn8k/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat_on_one_of/
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I like my coffee like I like my women...

...Ground up in the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqzk5j/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqzgfm/several_centuries_ago_the_pope_decreed_that_all/
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Bill Clinton ran a mile in nine and a half minutes. What happened next?

Bush did 9:11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqzfoc/bill_clinton_ran_a_mile_in_nine_and_a_half/
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What do you call a girl who likes to count the number of guys she’s slept with?

Tally ho!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqzcje/what_do_you_call_a_girl_who_likes_to_count_the/
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Two blondes were walking through the woods when...

...they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Oh look!! Bear tracks!!"
The second blonde said, "No way!! Those are CLEARLY deer tracks!!!"
They were both still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqzbqa/two_blondes_were_walking_through_the_woods_when/
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Did you know that pigeons die when they have sex

Well atleast the one i fucked did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqz817/did_you_know_that_pigeons_die_when_they_have_sex/
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A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.
Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crushed by a rock and dies.
What did you expect? It's an ant tie joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqz650/a_bunch_of_insects_are_having_a_formal_get/
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I Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card.

She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqz50n/i_got_my_girlfriend_a_get_better_soon_card/
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How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqz4wp/how_many_dead_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A young kid came back from school and learned a new way to earn money from his friends..

He simply had to say to anyone close to him:
“I know everything.”
And that will reward him with money!
The kid first went to his father, he approach him and said “Dad, I know everything.” His dad’s eyes widened and quickly gave him 100$ and said “Shh. Don’t tell anyone please.”.
The kid then went to his mother across the room, excited, and told her “Mom, I know everything!”. His mom was shocked and her jaw dropped, she gave him 500$ dollars and begged him not to tell anyone as he was walking away with joy.
The mail man came knocking on the door, and was greeted by the same kid, the mail man handed him the mail, but out of nowhere the kid said to him: “Mr. Mail man, I know everything.”. The mail man suddenly teared up in surprise, he got on his knees and said:
“Come hug your daddy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqyzfd/a_young_kid_came_back_from_school_and_learned_a/
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There are 10 types of people...

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqyv1q/there_are_10_types_of_people/
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What's the difference between crazy and genius?

A psych degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqysuf/whats_the_difference_between_crazy_and_genius/
%
An old lady goes into a tattoo shop and says to the tattoo artist, "I want a tattoo of Elvis Presley on my inner thigh."

The artist agrees and says that he would be happy to do a portrait of Elvis for her.
He finishes up the tattoo and tells the old lady to check it out.  She looks down and is furious.  "This looks nothing like Elvis!  I'm not paying for this!" she yells.
"Are you kidding me? That's the best portrait of Elvis that I have ever done.  You owe me $200 for that" says the artist as he defends his work.
"Well either way, I am not done" says the old lady.  "I want another tattoo of James Dean's face on the inside of my other thigh."
The artist agrees, does the tattoo, and tells her to check it out.
"This looks nothing like James Dean!  You are a terrible artist!" the old lady yells.
The artist tells her that it must be the angle and convinces her to go outside and ask for a second opinion.  So she goes outside, sees a guy sitting on the park bench.  Right in front of him, she pulls her pants down and says "does this look like Elvis or James Dean to you?"
The guy on the park bench looks at her, squints his eyes and says "I don't know about that but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqypfe/an_old_lady_goes_into_a_tattoo_shop_and_says_to/
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A priest was driving at night

When he saw a car in the oncoming g lane swerving wildly all across the road.  The priest had to swerve himself to not get hit and ended up hitting the ditch and rolling his car into the nearby field.  Fortunately, he was unhurt, just a little shaken, and climbed out of the wreckage.
The car he was swerving from stops and backs up, and a clearly drunk man climbs out.
"Are you okay?" asks the drunk.
"Yes," says the priest.  "The Lord was with me."
"Well you better let him ride with me," says the drunk.  "You're gonna kill him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqyob9/a_priest_was_driving_at_night/
%
Why do women hate me?

Cause I'm very competitive and always want to come first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqyje0/why_do_women_hate_me/
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Complex numbers are all fun and games...

Until someone loses an i. That's when things get real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqyh2p/complex_numbers_are_all_fun_and_games/
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I bought some boots from a drug dealer once.

Dunno what he laced em with but I was tripping for days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqyc7m/i_bought_some_boots_from_a_drug_dealer_once/
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A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqyamv/a_couple_had_been_married_for_50_years/
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Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Pissed at  the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying,
'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon  and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.
'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his pen!s over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqy9rt/two_aliens/
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My wife asked me to stop listening to oasis...

I said maybe...
I was gonna put another oasis joke
But I'm sure you've heard it all before...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqy962/my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_listening_to_oasis/
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Termite walks into a bar..

Asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqy7ir/termite_walks_into_a_bar/
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqy76p/i_was_reading_in_the_paper_today_about_this_dwarf/
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Why do they put Marines on Navy ships?

Because sheep would be too obvious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqy5mw/why_do_they_put_marines_on_navy_ships/
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What does my love life and Mars have in common

Both have a missed Opportunity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqy565/what_does_my_love_life_and_mars_have_in_common/
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The fish and chip shop near me has gone into liquidation

Now the owner is stuck between a rock and a hard plaice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqy2tw/the_fish_and_chip_shop_near_me_has_gone_into/
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How many CIA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

They're not telling.  They would prefer to keep you in the dark.
Just kidding.  It's actually [&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;](#s)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqy113/how_many_cia_agents_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Walked in on my roommate sticking his dick in a jar of almonds

He's fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqy0m7/walked_in_on_my_roommate_sticking_his_dick_in_a/
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I hired a German plumber the other day to fix my shower.

He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply.
I guess old habits die hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqy09m/i_hired_a_german_plumber_the_other_day_to_fix_my/
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My wife screamed when she saw a spider in the house and wanted me to kill him for her. Instead of killing him I took him out...

We went to my favorite bar, had a few drinks. I got to know him pretty well. He was a really awesome guy. I also learned he is a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqxzsk/my_wife_screamed_when_she_saw_a_spider_in_the/
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Why did Monica Lewinski vote for Trump?

Because the last President Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqxy2k/why_did_monica_lewinski_vote_for_trump/
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Did you hear about the all-lesbian construction company?

They don't use studs. Only tongue and groove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqxs1a/did_you_hear_about_the_alllesbian_construction/
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A paper bag walks into the doctors because he's feeling a little down

Has some tests and come back a week later.
Doctor says, "I'm sorry son, but you're HIV positive"
The bag is in disbelief "How can this happen, I'm a paper bag?"
"Have you ever had unprotected sex?"
"We'll no, I'm a paper bag"
"What about sharing needles"
"No doc, I can't even do drugs, I'm a paper bag"
" Well there's only 1 other explanation, your mum must have been a carrier"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqxrs9/a_paper_bag_walks_into_the_doctors_because_hes/
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What does EA truly stand for?

Early Access because all of their games are rushed and unfinished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqxqny/what_does_ea_truly_stand_for/
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A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you
Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew
EDIT 2: Wow, thanks for the gold kind stranger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqxq6s/a_woman_who_is_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a/
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A Man Walks Into A French Restaurant And Orders Fish...

The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man.
"Well?" asks the concerned waiter "What killed this poor man?"
One of the paramedics solemnly looks into the eyes of waiter and simply replies "Poisson"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqxn2a/a_man_walks_into_a_french_restaurant_and_orders/
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There are three types of people

Those who can count and those who can’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqxkew/there_are_three_types_of_people/
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Hitchhiker

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqxk0w/hitchhiker/
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Secret agent Murphy

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.
“Hello,” said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.”
“Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer. “As it happens, there’s a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. In fact, my name is Murphy.”
“Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.”
“Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy. He’s in the village over the other direction.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqxeyt/secret_agent_murphy/
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A pessimist and an optimist

There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.
First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?”
“Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.”
Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands.
“What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked.
The little boy replied, “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqxes6/a_pessimist_and_an_optimist/
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What is Michael Jackson’s favorite element

He He

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqx9ym/what_is_michael_jacksons_favorite_element/
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School Projects are fun

A science teacher sent off his year 8 class with a homework task, come up witch a science experiment, and either film it to show to the class, or show the experiment in front of the class next week.
Tim went home and thought long and hard about what he would do, but he came in next week with a small tin box.
When it was his turn to present, he put down the box and opened it, he took out a small garden spider, a stopwatch and two tooth picks.
He set the tooth picks parallel, but at a fair distance apart. He put the spider down on one tooth pick, started the timer and yelled "RUN"
the spider ran from one toothpick to the other and Tim stopped the toothpick. "5 seconds" he said.
He picked the spider back up, pulled off one of its legs, and repeated it. "7 seconds"
Again, he picked up the spider, pulled off another leg, set it down, and yelled "RUN". This time the spider took 9 seconds
He did this 5 more times, the spider only had one leg left and was crawling along the table, the teacher and class were horrified.
"19 seconds" said Tim
He pulled off the last leg, put the spider down and yelled "RUN"
The spider didn't move.
"RUN"
He picked the spider up and put it back in the box.
The teacher said, "well Tim, that was an... interesting experiment, whatever you learned?"
"If you pull all the legs off of a spider, it goes deaf"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqx8ja/school_projects_are_fun/
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Hitler went to a fortune teller

He asked:
“When will I die?”
The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a jewish holiday
“How can you be so sure?” he questioned
“any day” she replied “for which you shall die on will be. a jewish holiday”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqx67y/hitler_went_to_a_fortune_teller/
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What's ET short for?

Because he's only got little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqx3sr/whats_et_short_for/
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My friend got arrested for saying he was an axe murderer.

Turns out he's just a really bad guitarist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqx3ql/my_friend_got_arrested_for_saying_he_was_an_axe/
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I was going to make a pun about birth control, but it's a serious subject.

I'm not kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqx1cg/i_was_going_to_make_a_pun_about_birth_control_but/
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We have a dog with no legs

We called him "cigarette" because every now and then we'd take him out for a drag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqx0vt/we_have_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"
Man doesn't laugh
Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."
No response
Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wonder Woman"
Nothing
Clown asks: "Have you heard of the baseball team the Chicago Hot Dogs? They are the wurst"
Doesn't crack a smile
Clown asks: "Why was the alcoholic so annoying? He wined too much"
Clown starts to get nervous
Clown asks: "The disinterested hockey player got a penalty. What was it? Boarding"
Blank look
Clown asks: "What is a nun's favorite card game? Old Maid"
Yawn
Clown asks: "How do crustaceans celebrate birthdays? With crab cakes"
Annoyed
Clown asks: "What do you call a champion deer? A Win-doe"
grasping at straws
Finally Clown asks: "How do sheep sleep when they have nightmares? Baaaaadly"
He never laughs. Clown gives him his $100 and asks "Did any of my jokes make you laugh?"
Man says "No pun-in-ten-did"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqww38/a_clown_bets_an_old_man_100_he_can_make_him_laugh/
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What’s the difference between a fridge and a Vagina?

The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull out your sausage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqwvcw/whats_the_difference_between_a_fridge_and_a_vagina/
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[NSFW] Nazi officer rounds up jews in his camp.

Asks the first one :"How high can you jump?"
"O-one meter, sir.": answers the prisoner. He throws him one loaf of bread.
"Two meters, sir!": exclaims second prisoner.
"Viery gut!": says officer as he throws him two loaves of bread.
"Six meters!": yells third one.
"Quickly, shoot him before he jumps over the fence!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqwsz4/nsfw_nazi_officer_rounds_up_jews_in_his_camp/
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Did you know that there's a breed of dog who loves science?

You can tell which one it is because they're always wearing a lab coat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqwqdg/did_you_know_that_theres_a_breed_of_dog_who_loves/
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For the last twenty years, I've received a Valentine's Day card from the same secret admirer...

So I was upset when I didn't get one this year. First my gran dies, now this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqwotb/for_the_last_twenty_years_ive_received_a/
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A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”
The person says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqwo60/a_man_checks_into_a_hotel_for_the_first_time_in/
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What do you call a group of forgetful congressmen?

An oversight committee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqwnr0/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_forgetful_congressmen/
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There was an earthquake where I live last night

I'm pretty shaken up about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqwmcx/there_was_an_earthquake_where_i_live_last_night/
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What’s the difference between America and cheese?

If you leave cheese by itself for 200 years, it grows a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqwhyc/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_cheese/
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Brains

A 3-year old boy is looking at his testicles in the bathtub and asks his mom, “are these my brains?” To which his mother reply’s “not yet sweetie”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqwdhv/brains/
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Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They push twins together to make a king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqwd4x/why_do_the_lannisters_have_such_big_beds/
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Im pretty sure a deaf person has a crush on me

Shes giving me all the right signs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqw8r2/im_pretty_sure_a_deaf_person_has_a_crush_on_me/
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So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter

Which sucks because he had a great fall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqw7aa/so_far_humpty_dumpty_is_having_a_terrible_winter/
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What's the difference between a priest and pimples?

Pimples wait for puberty to come onto your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqw6tw/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_pimples/
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I really regret getting a bigger air balloon for my business...

I have too much overhead now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqw6hl/i_really_regret_getting_a_bigger_air_balloon_for/
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To see a peeping tom at my window while I’m changing is frightening....

But it still hurts when they reach in and pull the curtains shut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqw64w/to_see_a_peeping_tom_at_my_window_while_im/
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If I got $1000 every time I did someone a favor

I could be mistaken for a politician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqw2xv/if_i_got_1000_every_time_i_did_someone_a_favor/
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When a midget waves at you, it's called a...

microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqw0yw/when_a_midget_waves_at_you_its_called_a/
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Did you hear about the dog that ran 2 miles to return the stick its master threw?

I don't believe it. I think it's a bit far-fetched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqvzjv/did_you_hear_about_the_dog_that_ran_2_miles_to/
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A man lives with his wife and 4 children

Three of the kids have black hair and brown eyes, and the fourth child is a redhead.
One day the man comes home with some terrible news. He has stage 4 cancer and 2 weeks to live. The family spends as much time with their father as possible until the day comes when he must die. He dies during the middle of the night while the kids are sleeping so they don't hear the following conversation between the man and his wife.
Man:Honey, there is something I need to know before I die. Our son, the one with the red hair, is he my son?
Wife:I swear to you on everything holy to me he is your child.
Man:I had to know.
The man dies
Wife:Thank fucking god he didn't ask about the other three kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqvz1k/a_man_lives_with_his_wife_and_4_children/
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My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqvy1n/my_grandpa_tried_to_warn_everyone_the_titanic_was/
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Why did 18 blondes goto the movies.

Because it said “under 17 not admitted”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqvxsz/why_did_18_blondes_goto_the_movies/
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A kid walks up to his grandpa and asks him for a cigarette

The grandpa asks, Can your dick touch your asshole? Kid says no so grandpa tells him to ask again when it can.
Later the kid asks his grandpa for a beer and his grandpa asks again if his dick can touch his asshole, again kid says no and grandpa tells him to come back when it can.
Later that night the kid is holding a tray of cookies and the grandpa asks if he can have one, so the kid asks grandpa if his dick can touch his asshole, the grandpa proudly says yes while reaching for a cookie but the kid quickly pulls away the tray and yells THEN GO FUCK YOURSELF.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqvrya/a_kid_walks_up_to_his_grandpa_and_asks_him_for_a/
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As a farmer, I love telling my dog sheep jokes,

But he'd herd them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqvpzm/as_a_farmer_i_love_telling_my_dog_sheep_jokes/
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Sex over Walkie Talkie

Person 1: Bend over
Person 2: Bend what? Over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqvoft/sex_over_walkie_talkie/
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When I'm in public I always like to use the women's restrooms instead of the mens.

It's always quieter in the women's restroom, especially when they know I'm in there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqvi6v/when_im_in_public_i_always_like_to_use_the_womens/
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The only thing more Irish than a potato is...

The lack of even a single one.
PS: No offense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqvhgp/the_only_thing_more_irish_than_a_potato_is/
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Homie: Do you know how to write "s" in morse code?

Me: ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqvehs/homie_do_you_know_how_to_write_s_in_morse_code/
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There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.
The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said: "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.
The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off.
Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him.
After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the newspaper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqvd6u/there_were_three_guys_in_an_airplane_one_guy/
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Little red riding hood was told to look out for the wolf

So she’s really vigilant; she walks through the forest and she spots an eye through the bush and she says: “I see you mr wolf!” The wolf runs away. She goes deeper in the forest and she spots the wolf’s ears: “I see you Mr. Wolf!” The wolf runs away, little red riding hood goes deeper in the forest and spots one foot: “I see you Mr. Wolf!” All of a sudden the wolf screams back “damn little red riding hood. Go away! I’m trying to take a shit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqvauy/little_red_riding_hood_was_told_to_look_out_for/
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Why did the computer take so long to arrive?

It had a hard drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqvar4/why_did_the_computer_take_so_long_to_arrive/
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Some day, Canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqva6x/some_day_canada_will_take_over_the_world/
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A man was walking down the street

when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinners.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqva6o/a_man_was_walking_down_the_street/
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Which is the most sensitive part of a man's body when he is watching porn?

His Ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqv8r8/which_is_the_most_sensitive_part_of_a_mans_body/
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What is the mathematical formula for the sound of a front door closing?

It's the base decibel level raised to the power of n. The exponent n represents the number of hours ago you told your wife you'd be home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqv7kd/what_is_the_mathematical_formula_for_the_sound_of/
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Two blondes speaking: - My boyfriend is a veterinarian.

- Oh, did he fight in a war?
- No, you dumbass, he doesn’t eat meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqv6c4/two_blondes_speaking_my_boyfriend_is_a/
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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”
“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”
I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.
I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.
They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”
I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?”
He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aquyhk/my_mate_broke_his_leg_so_i_went_to_see_him_at_home/
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Q) What's better than watching a girl wrestle?

A) Seeing her box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aquvcw/q_whats_better_than_watching_a_girl_wrestle/
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I got in trouble for making a joke in Sex Ed today

It was just a fucking joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aquuuz/i_got_in_trouble_for_making_a_joke_in_sex_ed_today/
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What do you call the cleavage of a person who had a boob job?

Silicone valley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqukhn/what_do_you_call_the_cleavage_of_a_person_who_had/
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Grandpa: What has 4 legs but is not alive?

A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran-
Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aquj3z/grandpa_what_has_4_legs_but_is_not_alive/
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Man pimps out his wife

A couple fell on hard times and found themselves in desperate need of money. The husband asked his wife if she would be willing to prostitute herself for a few nights for some quick cash. She was hesitant at first but finally agreed when her husband said he would follow her for protection.
When night came, the wife put on her sluttiest dress and dolled herself up before heading out to the streets. Not long afterwards, a car rolled up and the driver wound down his window. He leaned towards her and asked, “Hey sexy, how much?”
The wife excused herself and went to ask her husband, who was just around the corner. She came back and said, “$300.”
The customer replied, “That's too much! All I have is $100. How about a handjob?”
The wife excused herself again and quickly went to consult her husband. She came back and said, “$100.”
The customer answered, “Done. Hop on.”
The wife nervously got into his car. The customer proceeded to unzip his pants and pull out his "merchandise" which was already hard and erect. Her eyes grew wide. She looked up at him and said, "I'll be right back."
The wife runs back to her husband and asks, "Can we lend him $200?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aquibu/man_pimps_out_his_wife/
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A plumber

is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqua2g/a_plumber/
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Being kissed while youre asleep is one of the most purist forms of love.

Unless you're in prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqu9hd/being_kissed_while_youre_asleep_is_one_of_the/
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What's the difference between light and hard?

I can go to sleep with a light on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqu89c/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
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Amazed by the stunning beauty of their new secretary, two corporate executives resolved to make her adjustment to her new firm their personal business...

“It’s up to us to teach her the difference between right and wrong,” said the first executive. “Agreed,” exclaimed the second. “You teach her what’s right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqu6jd/amazed_by_the_stunning_beauty_of_their_new/
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To the guy who stole my bottle of antidepressants ...

I hope your happy now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqu4sb/to_the_guy_who_stole_my_bottle_of_antidepressants/
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I've opened up a barber shop for rabbits

I do hare cuts, only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqu4h6/ive_opened_up_a_barber_shop_for_rabbits/
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What did the Frenchman say to the other Frenchman?

I’m not sure, they were speaking French.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqu42j/what_did_the_frenchman_say_to_the_other_frenchman/
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What’s the difference between a blue mercedes and a Skoda

Diana wouldn’t be seen dead in a Skoda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqu2sv/whats_the_difference_between_a_blue_mercedes_and/
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I just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid...

.... in morse code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqu2kx/i_just_heard_a_woodpecker_call_me_a_paranoid/
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What does a 6'0 man and 5'10 women have in common?

They're both actually 5'11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqu1dr/what_does_a_60_man_and_510_women_have_in_common/
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Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar.

So one of them devises a clever plan, he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without paying and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again”. His friend agrees so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude’s pants, go to the bar and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, “Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!” The first guy says “Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqu12y/two_homeless_alcoholics_want_to_get_drunk_but/
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My yoga teacher was drunk today

Put me in a very awkward position

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqu06b/my_yoga_teacher_was_drunk_today/
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome

It started off badly, but towards the end I really liked it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqtz2y/i_just_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome/
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My wife said she's leaving, on account of my sexual fetishes.

Told that bitch to slam the door on my dick when shes going out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqtw78/my_wife_said_shes_leaving_on_account_of_my_sexual/
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If R. Kelly was a computer file...

He'd be a .pdf file

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqtid5/if_r_kelly_was_a_computer_file/
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Q.) How do you make a Japenese penis look bigger?

A.) Add more pixels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqtbxc/q_how_do_you_make_a_japenese_penis_look_bigger/
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What’s the only difference between Valentine’s Day and April fools?

I don’t get my hopes up when April fools comes around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqtaam/whats_the_only_difference_between_valentines_day/
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I got a valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqt974/i_got_a_valentine/
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Can drinking bleach really kill you? We asked our listeners to try it out and none of them called back to tell me they’re dead so I think not

One of my fav quote from C&H

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqt6w4/can_drinking_bleach_really_kill_you_we_asked_our/
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My friends think I’m a fanboy because of my obsession with Linkin Park.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqt3s4/my_friends_think_im_a_fanboy_because_of_my/
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Had a great Valentine's Day! Almost had a threesome!

Just needed two more people!
.
Good^day^for^#369?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqt2xf/had_a_great_valentines_day_almost_had_a_threesome/
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What do a Gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They can both smell it...but they can’t eat it ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqt1xi/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_boy/
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THIS SEEMS FAMILIAR…

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Dejav.
Dejav who?
Knock! Knock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqsyvb/this_seems_familiar/
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I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqsyds/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_bank_today/
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A cowboy walks into a bar

In the bar, he sees a woman he's never met before, so he goes over to talk to her.
"Who are you?". The woman tells him "I'm a lesbian", and the cowboy, confused, asks her what that means. "You see, I love women. I'm always thinking about women, and I want to sleep with women all the time."
So the cowboy, interested by the woman's explanation, stays quietly thinking about what he heard. A tourist walks into the bar and sees the cowboy, and he excitedly asks "Hey man are you a real cowboy?".
The cowboy replies "That's what I thought all my life, son... but I think I'm a lesbian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqsxrv/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
99¢ condom

A young guy walks into a drugstore to buy a condom. He sees they are on sale for 99¢ each and luckily he has $1 on him. He gives the condom to the clerk.
Clerk: That'll be $1.04
Guy: I thought they were on sale for 99¢. What's the extra 5¢ for?
Clerk: Tax
Guy: Tacks!? I thought you rolled them on!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqsp7b/99_condom/
%
A Canadian, American, and Japanese guy get stranded on an island

The American guy says: "We really need to find some supplies for our survival."
The Japanese guy turns to him and says: "I'll get working on the supplies, you guys try to create a signal in case help arrives near the island", and with that the Japanese guy turns and runs into the forest on the island.
The American and Canadian guys spend upwards of 4 hours trying to get a working signal for passing ships. Its nearing the evening.
"Wow!" says the Canadian guy. "Kojima has really been gone for 4 hours and its almost night time, how long does it take to find supplies?"
"I don't know, but it could be dangerous at night. I suppose we should go look for him." says the American.
With that they walk into the forest, the sky almost pitch black.
After 30 minutes of searching, they hear a noise in the trees. They look up, and see the Japanese guy leaping from the trees, almost giving the Canadian a heart attack.
"SUPPLIES!" says the Japanese guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqsp32/a_canadian_american_and_japanese_guy_get_stranded/
%
A nun is undressing.

Someone comes up to her and says "There's a blind man. He wants to talk to you."
A man enters the house and asks to talk to the nun. She discusses her life with him at the same time that she is sitting next to him naked.
He thanks her for this conversation and then asks her to put her clothes on. He also tells her that he brought the blinds and asks where she wants him to put them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqsmdc/a_nun_is_undressing/
%
They say make-up sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqsg1m/they_say_makeup_sex_is_the_best_which_is_great/
%
Every time there’s a blackout I feel so...

...powerless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqsf4v/every_time_theres_a_blackout_i_feel_so/
%
What does Link have in common with Tony Stark?

They both like smashing pots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqseva/what_does_link_have_in_common_with_tony_stark/
%
Did you hear about the new anti-vaxxer relationship counseling book?

Men are from Mars, Autism is from Mercury.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqs7ej/did_you_hear_about_the_new_antivaxxer/
%
What do you call a pop star with giant nipples?

Areola Grande

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqs70u/what_do_you_call_a_pop_star_with_giant_nipples/
%
If I won 100 million, I’d give a quarter of it to charity

Not sure what to do with the other $99,999,999.75

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqs3ss/if_i_won_100_million_id_give_a_quarter_of_it_to/
%
What's the difference between a job and a wife?

After two years, the job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqs2mo/whats_the_difference_between_a_job_and_a_wife/
%
I saw a couple making out in front of the kids at LEGOLAND.

I said "C'mon you guys, build a room!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqs2d9/i_saw_a_couple_making_out_in_front_of_the_kids_at/
%
An elderly man stopped my eight year old in the park.

An elderly man stopped my 8 year old at the park. He had been watching him play and pulled him aside to question him.
He said, "I can't believe what you're doing! You're running around, eating candy bars with filthy hands, and then jumping off the monkey bars, you are gonna get seriously injured!"
My son thought about what he said for a moment. Then replied, "Well, my grandfather lived to be 90 years old".
The old man asked him, " did he run around, eating with filthy hands and going nuts at the playground?"
My son replied, "No...but he minded his own fucking business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqs17n/an_elderly_man_stopped_my_eight_year_old_in_the/
%
What does Disney have in common with a guy in an outhouse in Chicago?

They’re both making frozen number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqs00k/what_does_disney_have_in_common_with_a_guy_in_an/
%
Marriage means commitment.

Of course, so does insanity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqryvi/marriage_means_commitment/
%
Have the Alabama jokes become too frequent on this sub?

Nope. They are the pinnacle of humour. Keep making them, I incest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqrulx/have_the_alabama_jokes_become_too_frequent_on/
%
Losing a wife can be hard.

In some cases, impossible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqru6i/losing_a_wife_can_be_hard/
%
How many of Trump's cabinet members does it take to change a light bulb?

I dunno,  none of them have lasted longer than a light bulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqrs04/how_many_of_trumps_cabinet_members_does_it_take/
%
One day people will land on Mars. Search for the rover, dust him off and give it the treatment it deserves.

A robo bro blow job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqrlzu/one_day_people_will_land_on_mars_search_for_the/
%
A man walks into a bar for illiterate people. The bartender says, "Don't you hate it when people tell jokes that have specific details about situations that would never happen in real life, just so they can make some dumb pun?" The man, nodding, replies,

"I no write."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqrh6m/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_for_illiterate_people_the/
%
Are you a gorilla exhibit?

Because I wanna drop a kid in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqrfmm/are_you_a_gorilla_exhibit/
%
What is the difference between a well dressed man in a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqrdev/what_is_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
%
What is a programmers suicide note called?

A goodbye world program

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqrbl6/what_is_a_programmers_suicide_note_called/
%
An English joke

American, Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani all on top of Eifel tower.
American throws aload of money over the edge. "What did you do that for?" the others ask. "We have so much money in the states that I can afford to."
The Frenchman throws loads of bottles of wine over the top and says "we have so much wine here that I can throw as much as I like over,"
The pakistani looks at the Englishman and says "DONT YOU FUCKING DARE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqraji/an_english_joke/
%
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqr30q/when_a_girl_changes_her_clothes_in_front_of_you/
%
The last date I had I thought was like Allstate I thought I was in "Good hands".

Turns out she was underage so they switched me to State Farm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqr0b2/the_last_date_i_had_i_thought_was_like_allstate_i/
%
What kind of cars do foreigners drive?

4Runners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqqy4b/what_kind_of_cars_do_foreigners_drive/
%
1999: kidss sneak out to drink

2009: kids sneak out to smoke weed
2019: kids sneak out to get vaccinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqqmek/1999_kidss_sneak_out_to_drink/
%
A lonely man goes to the doctor for a stuttering problem that prevents him from talking to girls

The doctor agrees to do a full psychological and physical workup to find out whats wrong. After several test the doctor says to the patient "You won't believe this, but you've got a 15 inch penis and it's so big the weight of it puts tension on all the muscles in the center of your body right up to your tongue." The man tell him "D-d-doctor. Please r-r-red-reduce it so I can t-t-talk." After some discussion the man decides to have a whole foot of his penis removed.
He's cured. He can talk fine now and is much more confident, but a couple weeks later he returns to the doctor. "Doctor, my talking is great and I can talk to women now but when I get them home I can't satisfy them because now my cock is only 3 inches long. I need some of it added back on."
The doctor stares at him and says "f-f-fuck y-y-you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqqm92/a_lonely_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_stuttering/
%
What do you call cocaine for ducks

quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqqlby/what_do_you_call_cocaine_for_ducks/
%
Have you heard about the temperamental doctor?

He has no patients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqqhuk/have_you_heard_about_the_temperamental_doctor/
%
I don't understand why we study circles in geometry.

They're pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqqfs4/i_dont_understand_why_we_study_circles_in_geometry/
%
What's the Difference Between February 14th and July 4th?

There isn't any, at least to me, because they're both Independence Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqqdxu/whats_the_difference_between_february_14th_and/
%
A Tampa man dies and goes to Hell.

A Tampa man dies and goes to hell.
When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Tampa.”
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Tampa man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine.
“No problem…just like Tampa in June,” the man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Tampa man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.
“No problem. Just like Tampa in July,” the man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.
He says, “No problem. Just like Tampa in August.”
Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.
When he goes back now to see how the Tampa man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on. To which the Tampa man replies…..
“THE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”
“THE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqqc2r/a_tampa_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
I have a little wheel under my balls

It drives me nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqq7sc/i_have_a_little_wheel_under_my_balls/
%
This Zamboni operator skidded out of control into our Dungeons & Dragons meeting

Why he be all slidin into my DMs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqq49c/this_zamboni_operator_skidded_out_of_control_into/
%
Bought my wife a matching bag and belt for Valentine’s Day.

She should be able to fix the vacuum cleaner and get it running now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqq13m/bought_my_wife_a_matching_bag_and_belt_for/
%
Knock Knock

"Who is there?"
"Grandma!"
"Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqpw79/knock_knock/
%
Why are there no gays in Narnia?

Because they all live in a closet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqpq7u/why_are_there_no_gays_in_narnia/
%
I tried to contact my grandad using a Ouiga board but I had no luck.

I just called his cellphone instead to be honest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqpo7w/i_tried_to_contact_my_grandad_using_a_ouiga_board/
%
A drunk man goes to Dairy Queen.

He walks up to the counter and says to the attendant "I'll have a (hic) banana split, with peanuts."
The attendant realizes he's drunk and rudely asks "sir, do you want your nuts crushed?"
The drunk without missing a beat says, "Hell no, do you want your titty twisted off?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqpnys/a_drunk_man_goes_to_dairy_queen/
%
A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.

The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.
She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around "I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air."
The blonde then says "Don't you have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqpm0b/a_brunette_gets_a_bouquet_of_flowers_for/
%
Why would antivaxxers make terrible bartenders?

They don’t approve of shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqpdor/why_would_antivaxxers_make_terrible_bartenders/
%
What's the difference between a gram of cocaine and a four year old?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a gram of cocaine fall out a window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqp7jn/whats_the_difference_between_a_gram_of_cocaine/
%
"Got any lube?"

"Yeah you where lucky its the last bottle."
"You really saved my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqp3c2/got_any_lube/
%
Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a "secret admirer". This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my mum dies, now this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqoxeu/every_year_for_valentines_day_i_used_to_always/
%
Roses are red, violets are blue.

I'm schizophrenic,
and so am I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqos2a/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
Texas Chili Cookoff

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon,
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting - So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face. __________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
__________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
__________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive!
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage; Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks! __________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow cone! __________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach. __________________________________________________
CHILI # 8 - Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: (Not available for comment.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqoph2/texas_chili_cookoff/
%
I was with a deaf girl who knew sign language, we were watching that movie where Johnny Depp has blades for fingers. I couldn’t remember what that character was called so I sign to her, “What’s that character’s name?”

“Edward,” says her hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqofd8/i_was_with_a_deaf_girl_who_knew_sign_language_we/
%
Girls are like blackjack

I’m always shooting for 21 but end up hitting on 16

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqoegq/girls_are_like_blackjack/
%
A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in: "Sir, I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." Patient: "l don't understand, doc. Why?"

Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine
you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqoady/a_guy_is_sitting_at_the_doctors_office_the_doctor/
%
Would now be a good time to make a joke about the Mars rover dying?

Or has the Opportunity passed?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqo9k5/would_now_be_a_good_time_to_make_a_joke_about_the/
%
Three engineers are standing together as they discuss the possible developer of the human body.

First one says: "It surely was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all these complex joints."
The second one replies: "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system is made of thousands of electrical connections."
The last one: "No, must have been an archtitect. Who the fuck else would put the waste pipe straight through the entertainment park?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqo6x3/three_engineers_are_standing_together_as_they/
%
My optometrist told me I have bad vision

I don't see the problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqo6f8/my_optometrist_told_me_i_have_bad_vision/
%
A boss said to his secretary, I want to have sex with you.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her friend and told her the story. Her friend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees. After half an hour passes, the worried friend calls and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqo5yx/a_boss_said_to_his_secretary_i_want_to_have_sex/
%
Donald Trump's wall is a metaphor for his penis

No one wants to see it and he can't get it up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqo30l/donald_trumps_wall_is_a_metaphor_for_his_penis/
%
Roses are Red, Violets are Red, Trees are Red....

Oh shit the gardens on fire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqo0x1/roses_are_red_violets_are_red_trees_are_red/
%
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.

His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?”
The wife replied “perform the fucking autopsy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqnzea/a_wife_asked_her_husband_why_he_cheated_on_her/
%
How do you drown a blonde?

Put a mirror in the bottom of a pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqnx09/how_do_you_drown_a_blonde/
%
A guy walks into an empty bar with just the bartender there.

He orders the drink. He's sitting there for a few seconds when he hears 'pssh hey! nice tie'.
He looks around nobody's there. Then a few seconds later he hears 'pssh hey! you look like a nice guy'. Still bartender is down there at the bar. Then again he hears 'pssh hey! we should be friends'.
So finally he asks the bartender " hey dude are you talking to me." The bartender says "no, what did you hear?". Guy says "well nice guy, that's a nice tie, we should be friends."
That's when the bartender says "Oh! Those are the peanuts. They are complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqnx00/a_guy_walks_into_an_empty_bar_with_just_the/
%
"Hey look im a 3d printer!"

"Oh god close the fucking toilet door!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqnvzi/hey_look_im_a_3d_printer/
%
What do you call a brunette sitting between two blondes?

An interpreter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqnug9/what_do_you_call_a_brunette_sitting_between_two/
%
What is Grodon Ramsay's favorite movie?

It's fucking FROZEN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqns7n/what_is_grodon_ramsays_favorite_movie/
%
One of my grandfather's favorite jokes; namely because after he told it to me I told it in front of my speech class in high school and he found that to be the funniest thing he ever heard.

One day a good ole country boy went to work in a general store. Things are fine, but after awhile the owner gets called out on an emergency.
The owner tells the good ole boy, "Whenever someone comes in you get them what they want."
So the owner leaves and a man comes in and tells the good ole , "I need a package of mosquito eye brows."
The good old boy remembers what the owner told him and tears up the store unable to find a package of mosquito eye brows.
When the boss come back he sees the store in ruins and asks the good ole boy what happened.
"Well, sir, He asked for a package of mosquito eyebrows and I tried to find them like you told me to, but i just couldn't find them anywhere."
The owner understands and tells the boy, "Sometimes people are going to be smartasses and going to have a little fun at your expense. When that happens to just give them a smart answer back.
A few days later the owner is called back out on an emergency and leaves the boy in charge.
A woman eventually comes in and asks, "Can I have a package of mothballs?"
The good ole boy starts but then suddenly stops, turns to the woman and says, "Lady, you know a moth ain't got no more balls than a mosquito's got eyebrows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqnpwn/one_of_my_grandfathers_favorite_jokes_namely/
%
Why was it called “the Lewinsky scandal”?

Because if they called it the Clinton scandal, people wouldn’t know which on you were talking about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqnjwx/why_was_it_called_the_lewinsky_scandal/
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Is your name Wifi?

because Im feeling a connection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqnj9o/is_your_name_wifi/
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A husband died

.
A few years later, his wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqnio6/a_husband_died/
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I met a guy who gets sexually aroused by conversation.

We were chatting at a party and it suddenly came up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqnhr1/i_met_a_guy_who_gets_sexually_aroused_by/
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What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqndtn/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
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A lady about 8 months pregnant

got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqnd1a/a_lady_about_8_months_pregnant/
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Some steaks walk into a bar...

The bartender tells them
“We don’t serve meat here”
They reply
“Good, we’re vegetarians”
“Beef is not allowed in this bar”
“Good, we got not beef with anyone here”
“I don’t see too many steaks like you guys”
“Good, we’re pretty rare”
The bartender now trying to warn them of the shady dudes in the corner of the bar tells them
“The longer you guys stay in here, the more danger you’re in”
The steaks ignored him and continued to stay and drink to their heart’s content, risking their lives.  They couldn’t understand, the steaks were too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqnb5h/some_steaks_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a patriarchal authoritarian society?

A dicktatorship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqn9f6/what_do_you_call_a_patriarchal_authoritarian/
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My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't, she's out of town for business until Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqn7ma/my_wife_said_if_this_post_gets_1000_upvotes_shell/
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Girls who have had sex with me say my lovemaking is like an earthquake

its over in about a minute and leaves you wondering what the hell just happened

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqn6qb/girls_who_have_had_sex_with_me_say_my_lovemaking/
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A man walks into a gay bar...

...and it is very crowded. As he walks through the main seating area there isn't quite enough room to squeeze past one gentleman sitting down. He addresses him, "Excuse me, sir, do you mind if I push your stool in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqn3mm/a_man_walks_into_a_gay_bar/
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I need to get a valentine's card for my lactose intolerant wife

But they're all too cheesy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqn2ts/i_need_to_get_a_valentines_card_for_my_lactose/
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Happy Alentine's Ay

To those of you who won't be getting the V or the D today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqn0xx/happy_alentines_ay/
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My wife treats me like she does her diet.

She cheats on weekends and holidays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqmwic/my_wife_treats_me_like_she_does_her_diet/
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So a Priest and a Rabbi were standing outside...

So a priest and a Rabbi were standing outside and a little boy walks by and the Priest goes to the Rabbi "Wanna screw him". The Rabbi then replies "Out of what?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqmvs6/so_a_priest_and_a_rabbi_were_standing_outside/
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I love how Canadian money is Scratch n Sniff!

American money is too, just not intentionally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqmqok/i_love_how_canadian_money_is_scratch_n_sniff/
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I Just spent a load of money and, made my valentine the happiest ever!

I'm glad I can post this here. Where's my lotion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqmqkb/i_just_spent_a_load_of_money_and_made_my/
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Whenever a guy doesn’t share my sense of humor I tell them that my jokes are a lot like blowjobs.

You don’t get them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqmjwx/whenever_a_guy_doesnt_share_my_sense_of_humor_i/
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Whats the difference between a streaker and a stripper?

Their speed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqmi51/whats_the_difference_between_a_streaker_and_a/
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The most important thing in a relationship is trust

Because if you don't fully trust her, how do you know she's not gonna tell your wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqmhiw/the_most_important_thing_in_a_relationship_is/
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Here a fun fact, the Soviet Union didn’t use land mines,

They used land ours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqmd0w/here_a_fun_fact_the_soviet_union_didnt_use_land/
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A nun gets into a cab

The cab driver sees her in the backseat and says "I have always had a fantasy about nuns."
She answers "you and everyone else! Are you a Catholic?"
Driver says yes, so she tells him to pull over.
She hops in the front seat and gives him the best blow job he ever had. She gets done and the cabbie feels guilty and says "You know sister, I have to confess. I am not really Catholic."
"That's fine. My name is Ralph and I am going to a costume party."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqmckk/a_nun_gets_into_a_cab/
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So a moth walks into a podiatrists office...

After walking in, the podiatrist looks at him for awhile and then says “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”
**-Norm Macdonald**
Not my joke but just a personal favorite by favorite comedian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqmciq/so_a_moth_walks_into_a_podiatrists_office/
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You know the worst part about being a gay guy Valentine's Day?

All the guys on Grindr are out with their wives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqm98y/you_know_the_worst_part_about_being_a_gay_guy/
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Happy _alentine's _ay

To those of you who aren't getting the V or the D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqm8dl/happy_alentines_ay/
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"My brother was telling me he received a Valentines day card today"

"Awe, he must've been thrilled. "
"No, not really, it was from his cell mate. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqm7kk/my_brother_was_telling_me_he_received_a/
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Employees play soccer, managers play tennis and CEOs play golf.

The higher the position the smaller the balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqm6r6/employees_play_soccer_managers_play_tennis_and/
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The best way to get a girl's attention is to compliment her

As in "WOW! You're a fast runner, you nearly got away!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqm6a4/the_best_way_to_get_a_girls_attention_is_to/
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My teacher knows how to make the most of his time...

He can make a 50 minute class period feel like a million years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqm2qr/my_teacher_knows_how_to_make_the_most_of_his_time/
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My wife asked for a spa day for Valentine's

I can't wait till she opens it and I tell her it's pronounced spade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqm03t/my_wife_asked_for_a_spa_day_for_valentines/
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What do you call a small swiss man?

A Toblergnome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqlud4/what_do_you_call_a_small_swiss_man/
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My girlfriend told me I take too long during sex...

But I think its better to ejaculate than never

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqlrqv/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_take_too_long_during_sex/
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A cartoonist was found dead in his apartment today.

The details are sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqlq72/a_cartoonist_was_found_dead_in_his_apartment_today/
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Mothers have Mothers day, father's have Father's day, couples have Valentine's day

and I have Palm Sunday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqlpgg/mothers_have_mothers_day_fathers_have_fathers_day/
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I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqllby/i_once_knew_a_mexican_carpenter_who_specialised/
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I thought making a pun about the mars rover would be appreciated

But since everyone is pressing F to pay respect it just means that it's a missed oppertunity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqljr0/i_thought_making_a_pun_about_the_mars_rover_would/
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How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.   And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.  Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.  And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS  And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.  He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."  "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
You can’t make this stuff up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqlid4/how_the_internet_started_according_to_the_bible/
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I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqlgn5/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_my_drug_dealer/
%
Joe visits his favorite museum's new exhibit.

Joe was on his way to his favorite museum. The museum had announced a new exhibit and he was extremely excited to be one of the first people to ever see it, since he got some early access tickets. When he got there, there were about 12 other people who had also gotten a ticket for today, so he assumed that it was going to be a pretty private experience.
After about 10 minutes of waiting, a guide led the 13 of them to a dark room, where they had a presentation of what this new exhibit was going to be. A man walked up to the podium, and began to present his slides.
“Ladies and gentlemen, archeologists have found one of the most mind-boggling discoveries ever, and we have the privilege to be one of the first museums in the world to have a full-fledge exhibit for the public to learn about this incredible moment in human history.”
He rambles on for a while and then finally gets to his point.
“Fellow history buffs, we have uncovered an ancient man’s entire estate, that is *made of excrement.*”
Joe was shocked. Baffled at how incredibly ridiculous this was. However, as the presentation went on, he became more and more intrigued. The presenter went on to talk about how the man who they believe to have made his estate had uses his own poop, his animals poop, and any other excrement he could find to forge his tiny ‘cabin’ and stables for his farm animals. The presenter then finished his presentation and led the 13 of them to the newly built exhibit.
The exhibit was completely full of information on how he used feces to mold it into whatever he wanted and form many things. It also goes on to stating that the general smell of his estate could be smelled from miles away, and the estate itself was able to ward off any other raiders, who just couldn’t stand the smell. It also went on to assume that the man in question had anosmia (total loss of smell) but the cause for it is unknown.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we are now at the most exciting part of the tour,” said the tour guide as he grabbed the attention of the small audience. “We actually have a piece of the fossilized excrement here in house. And we are excited to reveal it to you first.” He then led the group to a curtain that had been blocking part of the room.
The tour guide then pulled back the curtain to reveal a tall, skinny object that was made completely of very old feces. Around 4.5 foot tall. The presenter then told us that this object was more than likely used as a prop to hold up the fence that the ancient man built for his farm.
After hearing this, Joe examined the object and then looked up at the huge sign that labeled the exhibit piece.
*“This is a shit post”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqlchb/joe_visits_his_favorite_museums_new_exhibit/
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Roses are red, violets are blue

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I don’t have a Valentine
But PornHub will do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqlc8h/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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I've started selling transparent urns, and I think this business could really take off.

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqladb/ive_started_selling_transparent_urns_and_i_think/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqla2r/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
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What's the difference between a G-spot and a TV remote?

Men will actually search for a TV remote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aql9hn/whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a_tv/
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Our realationship is like the mars rover

It was meant to last 90 days but here I am 14 years later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aql7k2/our_realationship_is_like_the_mars_rover/
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Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aql26a/why_would_america_choose_the_bold_eagle_as_their/
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Happy balentines day

Roses are black
Violets are black
Fuck im blind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aql0ny/happy_balentines_day/
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I didn't realize what true happiness was until I got married.

But by then it was already too late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqkza9/i_didnt_realize_what_true_happiness_was_until_i/
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Never trust a fart

They will always talk shit behind your back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqkurj/never_trust_a_fart/
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A Russian goes to Ukraine

As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”
“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqkuoq/a_russian_goes_to_ukraine/
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God in a parking lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqku3z/god_in_a_parking_lot/
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Ocean full of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.
The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqktoy/ocean_full_of_beer/
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Stereotypes in real life

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqkt5i/stereotypes_in_real_life/
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Why do necrophiliacs like Valentine's Day more than most people?

The flowers have already been delivered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqksq6/why_do_necrophiliacs_like_valentines_day_more/
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What is worse than a bug in an apple?

holocaust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqkouo/what_is_worse_than_a_bug_in_an_apple/
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So there's this pathologist who's just walked into the morgue with his medical students

They walk over to a cadaver that's just arrived that morning.
"Please observe the following" he says. He takes his index finger and shoves it up the anus of the cadaver, pulls it out and sucks on his finger. "Now you all try" he says as each student puts their index finger up the anus and licks it when they pull it out. After the last student is finished he says "Right, it's very important you also observe carefully. I put my index finger in but I licked my middle finger. Try and pay attention in the future".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqkkk5/so_theres_this_pathologist_whos_just_walked_into/
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Did you hear what happened to Lorena Bobbitt? She was in a horrible car accident.

Some dick cut her off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqkgao/did_you_hear_what_happened_to_lorena_bobbitt_she/
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Happy Valentine's Day

Or to most reddit users, happy Thursday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqken9/happy_valentines_day/
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I can confidently run up 6 flights of stairs.

But 7 Flights? That's another story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqkdz0/i_can_confidently_run_up_6_flights_of_stairs/
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Today is National ask your crush out day

Today is also Rejection day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqkcl0/today_is_national_ask_your_crush_out_day/
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What's the difference between me and a calendar?

The calendar has dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqkalh/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_calendar/
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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close enough to the cat, he unscrewed the cap of his bottle, poured water into it, and laid the cap down on the tarmac for the cat to sip from.
The cat looked at the cap full of water, and after hesitating for a moment, the cat began to lick the water from the cap. The boy did this a few times for the cat before noticing a tag on its neck. He bent down to look at the tag. The tag read: “Daisy”, and had an address on it. The boy knew that the address was only a 15 minute walk from where he was now. The boy pet the cat and then picked it up, and began walking to the owner’s house.
After about 15 minutes, the boy finally arrived at the house. He let the cat down so that he could knock on the door. He heard light footsteps approaching the door before the door suddenly opened. A girl that he recognised was standing behind the door. It was a girl from his school that he had seen walking around before. Before the boy could take say anything, the cat meowed behind him and the girl’s smile turned into shock. “Daisy!” She cried in relief as she went around the boy to pick up her cat.
The boy turned around to the sight of the girl on the floor hugging her cat. “I found him on my way back to school” said the boy. The girl said that the cat had been missing for almost a week. She was relieved. The girl said thank you and pulled the boy in for a hug. His cheeks had turned bright red and he was embarrassed to pull away from the hug, because he knew she would be able to notice. The boy went back home, heart still fluttering from the experience.
For the rest of the school year, the boy was too shy to approach her and he graduated high school without talking to her again. He went to college at a place where none of his friends had gone. He was alone and had to try to make friends. When he entered his first class, he was surprised to see the girl sitting in the front row by herself. He had no excuses not to sit next to her. He sat down and asked her: “How is Daisy?”. She turned around, at first looking confused, but then she smiled when she recognised him. “She’s great!” She said not knowing what else to say, only knowing she was happy to see him. The boy looked at her and her smile, and it looked just as beautiful as the day he returned her cat. This was the beginning of their relationship.
15 years later, they had been married for 6 years, and they still had Daisy. The girl had been fighting cancer for the past year. The boy would be by her side as she underwent the treatments. The doctors told him she didn’t have much time left. The boy would lie at her side as she rested and when she was awake, he would talk to her all night, reminiscing all their years together. Unfortunately their time together was cut short. She passed away when they were both 33 on February 14th.
The girl’s last words before entering her final sleep were: “I love you, darling. Please take care of Daisy when I’m gone”. The boy wept hearing these words and would weep more the next morning. Some time passed and the boy stopped being sad. He realised that he shouldn’t be sad that she was gone, instead he should be happy she was ever here. Even though the boy had lost his wife, he could still stroke her pussy everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqk969/a_valentines_day_story/
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Deja Moo

The feeling you've heard this *bull* before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqk50b/deja_moo/
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I used to dream about swimming in an ocean of orangade...

But I realised it was just a dumb Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqk1m1/i_used_to_dream_about_swimming_in_an_ocean_of/
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For the past 20 years, I've had a Valentines card from a secret admirer. I was sad I didn't get one this year!

First my gran dies, now this!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjud2/for_the_past_20_years_ive_had_a_valentines_card/
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A dyslexic friend recently got vaccinated.

Now she’s artistic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjtrc/a_dyslexic_friend_recently_got_vaccinated/
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If you're trying to get f**ked today...

... Do your taxes 2 months early!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjruu/if_youre_trying_to_get_fked_today/
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A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.
The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjr94/a_teenager_who_just_turned_18_desperately_wants_a/
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“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] ...“The men I please are none of your damn business!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjn4t/waitress_can_i_ask_you_something_about_the_menu/
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A woman goes to a pet shop.

She's looking for a present for her husband. Unfortunately, she's on a budget, but the clerk has an idea:
"For $ 20, I can give you something very special" and presents here a frog.
"What's so special about it?" the woman asks.
The clerk says: "Well, this frog is very special, because it can give great blowjobs."
The woman is quiet surprised, but pleasuring her husband orally is an exhaustive enterprise. Therefore she is flattered by the idea to leave it to the green little fellow.
Coming home, she's gifting the frog to her beloved husband. Excitedly she reports about its artistic ability to perform the fellatio.
The husband is sceptical about being blowed by a frog, but does not want to be rude. So he promises to give it a try.
In the night, the wife wakes up by a strange noise coming from downstairs.
When she walks down to see what is going on, she finds her husband and the frog being absorbed in a cooking book, while handling all kinds of pots and pans.
"What's going on?" says the wife.
The man just looks up and says:
"As soon as the frog can cook, you're moving out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjmr9/a_woman_goes_to_a_pet_shop/
%
I just had a terrible dream. In a dystopian future, robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Good thing my alarm woke me up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjmn9/i_just_had_a_terrible_dream_in_a_dystopian_future/
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Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.

By taking down the Christmas tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjla6/every_valentines_day_i_bring_a_smile_to_my_wifes/
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If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman. If you want...

If you want absolutely nothing said or done, ask a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjeew/if_you_want_something_said_ask_a_man_if_you_want/
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I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjdum/i_used_to_open_so_many_cards_on_valentines_day/
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What is the biggest fear of a suicide bomber?

Dying Alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjd2o/what_is_the_biggest_fear_of_a_suicide_bomber/
%
What did baby corn ask mother corn?

Where's pop corn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjd00/what_did_baby_corn_ask_mother_corn/
%
I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger

but she did move to California in 1849

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjc2o/i_aint_sayin_shes_a_gold_digger/
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I throw big words randomly in the middle of a conversation

so i look photosynthesis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjbuc/i_throw_big_words_randomly_in_the_middle_of_a/
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Day 284 without sex...

Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqjb46/day_284_without_sex/
%
What kind of music do windmills like?

They're huge metal fans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqja0q/what_kind_of_music_do_windmills_like/
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Mary sleeps in class

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. She usually slept through the entire class. One day, her teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary.... who created the universe?" When Mary didn't  answer, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" Shouted Mary. "Very good!" The teacher responded. And Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary "Who is our Lord and Savior??" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Again, Johnny jabbed the pin in her rear. "JESUS CHRIST!" Mary shouted. "Very good!" The teacher responded and Mary went back to sleep. Another while later, the teacher said, "Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time, Mary stood up and shouted "IF YOU STICK THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I AM GOING TO BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqj8gn/mary_sleeps_in_class/
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A man is on trial for murder.

The judge asks him to give his version of the story, and how he pleads.
The defendant replies: "Innocent, your honor. I am not sure what exactly happened myself, I was sitting on a park bench, enjoying the nice weather, peeling an apple with my pocket knife, when suddenly this guy trips on the apple peel and falls right on top of my knife."
The judge inquires: " And all this happened 16 times?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqj28j/a_man_is_on_trial_for_murder/
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I'm really worried about my wife and this weather

Ever since it started snowing, she's seemed really depressed. We've had strong, cold winds blowing lately, and freezing rain forming layers of ice over the snow. All she does is stand frozen at the window, staring, and I think she might be depressed.
If this keeps up I might need to let her inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqj1xx/im_really_worried_about_my_wife_and_this_weather/
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I'm a pro bowler now, But I wasn't always so good.

Back when I first started, I could never get a strike, and always had to clean up with a second throw. I only got better because I had a lot of spare time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqj1oe/im_a_pro_bowler_now_but_i_wasnt_always_so_good/
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What do dads and boomerangs have in common?

They both say they will come back, but never do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqizch/what_do_dads_and_boomerangs_have_in_common/
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Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You have a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqiye5/mike_and_his_pregnant_wife_live_on_a_farm_in_a/
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My gf was trying to persuade me on what new phone to buy..

She said "It's either my way or Huawei"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqixk7/my_gf_was_trying_to_persuade_me_on_what_new_phone/
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How do british pornstars get paid?

In pounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqiuao/how_do_british_pornstars_get_paid/
%
I was playing chess with my friend and he said: "Let’s make this interesting"

So we stopped playing chess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqim9o/i_was_playing_chess_with_my_friend_and_he_said/
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Sex is like a poorly explained joke.

I don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqily5/sex_is_like_a_poorly_explained_joke/
%
3 rednecks were working on a cell tower...

Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.'
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,'
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow." '
She said, 'You must be mistaken.  I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqild1/3_rednecks_were_working_on_a_cell_tower/
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The tyrant Stalin never said the word "thank you" his whole life

Mostly because he didn't speak English.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqig6e/the_tyrant_stalin_never_said_the_word_thank_you/
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This Valentine's Day, 1 in 3 people will be crying into a bag of popcorn while watching Netflix alone.

Not me, though. I can't afford a subscription.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqieal/this_valentines_day_1_in_3_people_will_be_crying/
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My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqic49/my_wife_just_called_me_and_said_three_of_the/
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An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, who exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, who replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqiblt/an_english_man_and_an_irish_man_are_driving/
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I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqi9b6/i_was_eating_a_steak_in_my_favorite_restaurant/
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Son of a god

8yr old Jesus at dinner party: Can I have wine?
Mom: No you only get water.
Jesus: (Giggling) OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqi796/son_of_a_god/
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2 pilots meet

500 people died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqi6vn/2_pilots_meet/
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Interrogator: What's the worst lie you've ever told?

Liar: I'm a liar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqi2gg/interrogator_whats_the_worst_lie_youve_ever_told/
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In a bar in Berlin, before the war broke out, there sat Adolph Hitler at a table arguing with Rudolph Hess.

Goebbels was at another table with Bormann. Hermann Goering was up at the bar shooting shots of schnaps.
In walks an American reporter, recognizes Goering at the bar and strolls on up to him and introduces himself. He explains that he’s doing an article on the Nazi plans and goals for Germany and asks Goering if he could maybe enlighten him.
Goering, half drunk, says he would be delighted. “We plan on killing six million Jews and one postman!” The reporter says, “Why one postman?”
Goering lets out a laugh, turns toward Hitler and yells, “See Adolph,
I told you they don’t give a fuck about the Jews!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqi20j/in_a_bar_in_berlin_before_the_war_broke_out_there/
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If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.

You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqhtsf/if_you_are_not_in_love_on_valentines_day_dont/
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A guy says to his friend, "Did you know that today is S.A.D., Single Awareness Day?"

His friend says, "Yeah, but I thought you had a girlfriend."
First guy says, "I do. I'm just making sure you were aware that you are single."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqht6v/a_guy_says_to_his_friend_did_you_know_that_today/
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A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.
“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqhov9/a_man_was_driving_down_the_road_when_a_policeman/
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I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I'm already at stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqhog7/i_dont_get_why_people_say_cancer_is_hard_to_beat/
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Never compliment your friend's moustache

No matter how good it looks on her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqhjyw/never_compliment_your_friends_moustache/
%
How many kids with ADHD dose it take to change a light bulb?

Let's ride our bikes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqhj68/how_many_kids_with_adhd_dose_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqhi59/what_do_you_call_a_rooster_staring_at_a_pile_of/
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3 Instruments are Catching Up

School is back in for the fall and 3 instruments are sharing their musical journey through the Summer.
The saxophone says, "I got to go to New Orleans and play with a real jazz band."
The guitar says, "I went to Mexico and played music so beautiful that the audience threw roses on the stage!"
At this moment, the Saxophone realizes that the flute has been quiet. "Hey Flute, how was your summer?"
The flute says, "I don't wanna talk about it."
The guitar says, "Come on, I thought you were going to band camp?"
"I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqhi14/3_instruments_are_catching_up/
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What do you say to someone who doesn't understand this?

I think you reddit wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqhf26/what_do_you_say_to_someone_who_doesnt_understand/
%
Try to buy some clothes from a spiritualist shop today.

Turns out they could only offer mediums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqhezx/try_to_buy_some_clothes_from_a_spiritualist_shop/
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What do you call the spirit of a dead chicken?

A poultrygeist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqhe8v/what_do_you_call_the_spirit_of_a_dead_chicken/
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The worst part about church is that you’re constantly switching between sitting, standing and kneeling, says a confessant.

why can’t the priest just pick a position and fuck me already!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqhczd/the_worst_part_about_church_is_that_youre/
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The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't even got any kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqh80x/the_school_phoned_me_today_and_said_your_sons/
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Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.
&nbsp;
Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Minister Granger immediately ordered a search for the most expensive comedian in the land. But alas, the comedian could not even manage a giggle from the High King.
&nbsp;
Garrett, Head of Tourism, brought a team of horses to the castle square, where they jumped over hurdles of fire, balanced on large balls, and performed many other tricks. Yet Eldarion yawned. This was not what he was looking for.
&nbsp;
Finally, it was Oswar’s turn, Minister of Foreign Affairs. It was well known that Oswar had a knack for negotiation, and was very well liked as the ambassador of the Reunited Kingdom. Much of the peace was owed to him. After racking his brains and using his connections, he brought a group of Ents with him. Each Ent held in his hand a Palantir, the Crystal Ball used for long range communication that is now mass produced under the rule of Eldarion.
The High King gave a puzzled look at the Ents communicating with each other through the Palantiri, before uncontrollably laughing and falling off his throne. Before long everyone was laughing at the sight.
&nbsp;
And so it came to be, that Oswar was conferred the title. It became known across Middle Earth that how Minister Oswar won the title of the Best Joke is Intercom Ents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqgzny/eldarion_son_of_aragorn_high_king_of_the_reunited/
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My mom didn’t vaccinate my younger brother...

It’s alright though, always wanted to be an only child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqgzlg/my_mom_didnt_vaccinate_my_younger_brother/
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A friend of mine is hard working person and last month he was fired from his job because he slept with one of his patient

He was a nice guy and a brilliant Vet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqgute/a_friend_of_mine_is_hard_working_person_and_last/
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I threw a plastic turd in the shower

My wife asked for sham poo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqgtij/i_threw_a_plastic_turd_in_the_shower/
%
Happy V-Day, Reddit

May your day be filled with joy and love,
Candy hearts and turtle doves.
Don't let yourself get all bummed out,
And don't despair if you're without.
Be kind to who you're thinking of,
In the meantime, free premium at Pornhub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqgs1r/happy_vday_reddit/
%
I have to tell you a joke about not going outside!

Wait, never mind. It's an inside joke, you wouldn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqgr74/i_have_to_tell_you_a_joke_about_not_going_outside/
%
An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel...

The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?”
The kid says, “I wanna get laid!”
The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.”
“But I wanna get laid.”
The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, go find a tree with a hole in it and practice.”
Ten years later, the kid knocks again on the door. The Madam recognizes him instantly, “Kid! You’re back!”
The kid says, “You said wait ten years, so I did.”
Did you practice on the tree like I told you?”
“Yes ma’am, I did!”
The Madam is so impressed that she walks him upstairs to the best lady in the house.
As the lady undresses, the kid walks over to the closet, grabs a broom, and starts whacking the prostitute.
The lady screams, “What are you doing kid?”
“Checking for squirrels.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqgnw4/an_8yearold_knocks_on_the_door_of_a_brothel/
%
How does Nancy Pelosi (5'5'') manage to stand up to Donald Trump (6'3'')?

It's called the art of the heel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqgned/how_does_nancy_pelosi_55_manage_to_stand_up_to/
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Ole was at work one day...

Lena called Ole's best friend Sven and asked him to come over right away. Sven came running as fast as he could, thinking there was an emergency. As soon as he knocked on the door, Lena opened it, dragged him through the house and into the bedroom, and fucked the shit out of him as hard as she could. For about an hour.
When it was over and they were both out of breath, she reached over, picked up a stack of 4 quarters, and set them on his chest.
Sven, still confused as all hell, asked "What the hell was all that??"
Lena replied, "Well, I knew your birthday was coming up and I wanted to get you something nice. I don't know what you like, but I know you and Ole have been friends all your lives. So I asked him what to get you and he said "Aah fuck im, give im a dollar".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqgks3/ole_was_at_work_one_day/
%
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqgiop/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
What do frustrated English lords use to clean their castles?

Scotch Brite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqgci5/what_do_frustrated_english_lords_use_to_clean/
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ALENTINES AY

For those who wont be getting the V or D on Febuary 14th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqgaz7/alentines_ay/
%
Do what you love

Except kids. Don't do kids— or animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqg9by/do_what_you_love/
%
The wage gap is pretty large...

wa                ge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqg8kx/the_wage_gap_is_pretty_large/
%
Two of the cows on our farm will not produce milk

We called the one Milk Dud and the other an Udder Failure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqg3ue/two_of_the_cows_on_our_farm_will_not_produce_milk/
%
Guess who got shit done today

Not me lmao but congrats to whoever did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqg2fk/guess_who_got_shit_done_today/
%
Why should you not vaccinate your kids?

So they will live everyday as if it was their last

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqfyr9/why_should_you_not_vaccinate_your_kids/
%
Look on the bright side anti-vaxxers

You'll never have to have "the talk" about puberty, sex, drugs, or driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqfxn5/look_on_the_bright_side_antivaxxers/
%
Someone stole my mood ring

I don't know how I feel about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqfxfz/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
Two birds, who at once are stoned.

You wouldn't believe the things they're tweeting when they're high!
A double pun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqfwqw/two_birds_who_at_once_are_stoned/
%
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqfs92/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a_snow/
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What do you call a fight between a foreigner and a paedophile?

Alien vs predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqfobz/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_a_foreigner_and/
%
History tends to judge Hitler rather harshly. He really wasn't that bad.

After all, he killed Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqfmwn/history_tends_to_judge_hitler_rather_harshly_he/
%
So my clock only went "tick tick tick"...

and I took it in to a German watchmaker.  He looked at it menacingly and said "Ve have vays of making you tock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqfisx/so_my_clock_only_went_tick_tick_tick/
%
Why don't Germans like sausage jokes?

Because they are about the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqfiq6/why_dont_germans_like_sausage_jokes/
%
Just heard NASA shutdown operations to the Mars rover.

Wasted opportunity!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqffjn/just_heard_nasa_shutdown_operations_to_the_mars/
%
How does a pirate open an essay?

With a hook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqfcur/how_does_a_pirate_open_an_essay/
%
4 nuns line up for confession

The first nun says: "forgive me father, for I have sinned. Last night, a homeless man sought shelter in our walls, so we gave him a room and some new clothes.  While he was changing, I peaked through the keyhole and I stared longingly at his penis."
The priest says: "do not be ashamed, my child.  Say a Hail Mary, wash your eyes in the holy water, and all will forgiven."
The second nun says: "forgive me father, for I have sinned.  I snuck into the room and I took his penis in my hand."
The priest says: "do not be ashamed, child.  Say a Hail Mary, was your hands in the holy water, and all will be forgiven."
The fourth nun cuts infront of the third nun. The third nun cuts back infront of the fourth nun,  The fourth nun tries to cut infront of the third nun again and they get into a fist fight.
The priest sees the commotion and yells: "sisters, stop this at once!  What has come over you?!"
The fourth nun points to the third nun and says: "I want to gargle the holy water before she washes her ass with it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqfc72/4_nuns_line_up_for_confession/
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Apparently as a 4 year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest

Goes to show that a lot of problems can be solved if priests could keep their hands off kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqf2bo/apparently_as_a_4_year_old_hitler_was_saved_from/
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A jehovah’s witness knocks on a door

An old jew opens it. The jehovah’s witness asks “excuse me, sir, but have you had a chance to read the bible?”
“Oh, my dear,” replies the jew, “we wrote it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqf1pj/a_jehovahs_witness_knocks_on_a_door/
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What country in Africa has the most frat parties?

Chad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqey08/what_country_in_africa_has_the_most_frat_parties/
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You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes...

... no seriously you've got to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqevve/youve_got_to_hand_it_to_blind_prostitutes/
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What do you call it when batman skips out on church?

Christian bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqety0/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_out_on/
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I'm going to live forever...

...or die trying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqet9x/im_going_to_live_forever/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqesjd/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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You’re like a flower.

You’ll be dead in my living room in two weeks, but you’re staying for three.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqeqkn/youre_like_a_flower/
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Colonel Custard’s Last Stand

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Colonel Custer's mind before he died at the Battle of the Little Bighorn. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed." Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly.
"No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts"
"And there you have it" said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqeqh3/colonel_custards_last_stand/
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What's the difference between a hockey game and a boxing match?

In a hockey game, the fights are real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqegx6/whats_the_difference_between_a_hockey_game_and_a/
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So this beautiful girl checked me out today.

The total was a little under $10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqeg1e/so_this_beautiful_girl_checked_me_out_today/
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So my wife walked in on me while I was shaving my balls and asked me what I was doing...

Apparently “meal prepping” wasn’t the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqeezn/so_my_wife_walked_in_on_me_while_i_was_shaving_my/
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"A vegan, cross-fitter and a marine walk into a bar..."

"I know because they announced it as soon as they walked in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqeemo/a_vegan_crossfitter_and_a_marine_walk_into_a_bar/
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We should have sent the Opportunity rover to Iraq

since its original mission was supposed to be 3 months but then it kept going for 14 years for no good reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqedmz/we_should_have_sent_the_opportunity_rover_to_iraq/
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Solider 1: Don’t die on me, you hear me!? Soldier 2: I’ve been lung shot. This is the end for me. Tell my wife I love her...

...sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqebw5/solider_1_dont_die_on_me_you_hear_me_soldier_2/
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Scientists say that the Yellowstone super-volcano is overdue for an eruption.

Apparently the volcano has eruptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqeavq/scientists_say_that_the_yellowstone_supervolcano/
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A wife is desperately looking for a present for her husband's 50th birthday.

She goes into a pet shop and starts asking for yhe prices ok different animals, but her attention goes into a frog that had a label for $1.000 dollars. Consumed by doubt, she approaches to a salesman and asks about this overly expensive pet:
-Excuse me can you tell me, why this frog is so expensive? Is there something special about her?
-Yes ma'am. At first glance you won't know it, but this is a specially trained frog, that can give the best blow jobs in the world.
-Ok. I think I'll take it as a present.
-Great choice, you won't regret a thing.
She arrives home and leaves the package on top of the table with a note, so the husband can read it when he arrives from work.
In the middle of the night she hears some weird noises coming out of the kitchen.
Armed with a bat she approaches the kitchen, and she finds the husband reading a cooking book with the frog sitting on his leg.
To which she says:
-Can you please tell me what the fuck are you doing at 3.30 in the morning reading a cooking book with the frog?
To which he replays:
-If I can make this frog cook, I want the divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqeau1/a_wife_is_desperately_looking_for_a_present_for/
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What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?

Panakin Skywalker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqea5v/what_do_you_call_a_nervous_darth_vader/
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How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You wanna go ride bikes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqe9jh/how_many_adhd_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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If you’re single, happy alentine’s ay

You get no V or D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqe9dt/if_youre_single_happy_alentines_ay/
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Why was the painting arrested?

Because it was framed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqe9bq/why_was_the_painting_arrested/
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Jesus walks into a bar

after a pretty rough day. After a couple hours of whiskey shots the bartender says, "That's it. I'm cutting you off. Water only for you from now on."
Jesus replies back in a sarcastic tone," Oh no. Not water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqe8z7/jesus_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did Van Gogh become a painter?

Because he didn't have an ear for music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqe4c3/why_did_van_gogh_become_a_painter/
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How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqe3aj/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_in_to/
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People often complain about the way I drive on icy roads

They're all like, "Why don't you golf somewhere else?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqdzh3/people_often_complain_about_the_way_i_drive_on/
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What does a baby computer call its father?

data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqdytl/what_does_a_baby_computer_call_its_father/
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For Valentines Day, I’m getting anal.

My husband is going  to clean the kitchen MY way, no matter how clean he thinks it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqdurn/for_valentines_day_im_getting_anal/
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Where do frogs keep their money?

In a river bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqdub8/where_do_frogs_keep_their_money/
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A man buys a new Mercedes

A man in his mid-forties bought a new Mercedes and was out on the freeway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.
As the needle jumped up to 130kph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 150, then 160, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says: “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you were trying to give her back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqdtbr/a_man_buys_a_new_mercedes/
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Two Jewish brothers started up a craft beer distillery

called He-Brews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqdomf/two_jewish_brothers_started_up_a_craft_beer/
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I got fired from the sperm bank today...

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqdlrf/i_got_fired_from_the_sperm_bank_today/
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If happiness was money....

I'd be broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqdkbo/if_happiness_was_money/
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A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of  his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having
already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him
and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new
teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.  When a
strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled
the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence… the rest of the year went quite smoothly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqdk0j/a_former_sergeant_in_the_marine_corps_took_a_new/
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I helped my friend hang a chandelier in his mansion this morning

It was the high light of my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqdjqi/i_helped_my_friend_hang_a_chandelier_in_his/
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I feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex... for example,

having it with another person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqdgfe/i_feel_like_porn_has_given_me_such_unrealistic/
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I'm trying to convince my wife that we should become polygamists.

If we married a housekeeper, baby sitter, and landscaper, we wouldn't have to pay them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqdefl/im_trying_to_convince_my_wife_that_we_should/
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I was at the bar the other night and overheard three women talking in what sounded like Scottish accent. So I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland?” One of them turned red when she heard me and said, "It’s Wales you fool!” So I apologized and replied,

"I do apologise, Are you three whales from Scotland?"
credit: u/Brailledit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqd7e5/i_was_at_the_bar_the_other_night_and_overheard/
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Why is Stevie wonders calendar like meeting people on tinder?

It’s all blind dates...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqd3c5/why_is_stevie_wonders_calendar_like_meeting/
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A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” Satisfied with the cover up of the dog being blamed he rips his biggest fart yet, this time the mother shouts “Rover! Get over here before that man shits all over you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqd3a7/a_guy_goes_over_to_his_new_girlfriends_house_for/
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I asked a Chinese chick for her number

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqcy15/i_asked_a_chinese_chick_for_her_number/
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A woman is pregnant with triplets.

She lives in a terrible neighbourhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive-by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.
The woman ends up giving birth to 2 girls and a boy. 13 years later the first daughter approaches her mother and says “hey mum, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out.” So the Mum explains what happened.
A few days later the second daughter approaches her mother and says “hey mum, my period just started and a bullet came out.” So she explains to her second daughter what happened.
A few days later the son approaches her and says “Hey mum, I was jacking off and I shot the dog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqcxuj/a_woman_is_pregnant_with_triplets/
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Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender asks if he wants a drink.
"I think not," says Descartes and disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqct0f/descartes_walks_into_a_bar/
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My dog disgraced himself by escaping and bringing home next doors rabbit.

It was very dead and covered in dirt but I couldn't see any wound so I thought I might just be able to get away without confessing.  So I quickly washed and blow dried the deceased bunny, snuck round the fence and popped bun back in its hutch, all snuggled up looking in its straw so it looked just like it had passed away naturally in its sleep. So then I snuck home and tried to put the whole nasty thing out my mind.
Later that day however,  I heard shouting from next doors garden..he sounded angry as hell.  Nervously I looked out and casually asked him what was wrong.
Purple and astonished he shouted back to me...
"You never guess what??? The kid's rabbit died yesterday and today some sick fucker has dug it up and put it back in the hutch!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqcsku/my_dog_disgraced_himself_by_escaping_and_bringing/
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[Warning]: 18+

19.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqcpfm/warning_18/
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I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqcp27/i_was_so_bored_that_i_memorized_six_pages_of_a/
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I told my wife i wanted a threesome for my birthday

She was really pissed off when she found out she was neither of the 2 girls!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqci8v/i_told_my_wife_i_wanted_a_threesome_for_my/
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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were to be executed during a dictatorship.

Method of execution: Firing squad
The brunette was up, the gunmen readied their weapons, the captain started the countdown ... 3...2...1
The brunette exclaimed : "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
The gunmen were terrified! Fearing their impending doom at the face of such a natural phenomenon, they dispersed. Amidst the chaos the brunette escaped, stealing a military vehicle and fleeing the country.
It was the redhead's turn. once again the gunmen readied their weapons, the captain started the countdown ...3...2...1
The redhead exclaimed: "TORNADO!!!"
And once again, the gunmen, terrified of the risk of getting blown away by a tornado, dispersed, only for the redhead to escape in a manner similar to the brunette.
The blonde was up, once again the gunmen readied their weapons, the captain started the countdown ...3...2...1
The blonde exclaimed: "FIRE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqc7zw/a_brunette_a_redhead_and_a_blonde_were_to_be/
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They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqc1h9/they_say_that_sex_is_the_best_form_of_exercise/
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How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two; but how they got in the bulb is anybody's guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqc11u/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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Damn... girl got a caboose like a noose.

It chokes me up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqbyn6/damn_girl_got_a_caboose_like_a_noose/
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You know what the worst part of Grandma's dementia was?

When she forgot about Dre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqbxfz/you_know_what_the_worst_part_of_grandmas_dementia/
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My sister wanted to be a model but she was too small.

So she became a scale model.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqbwdj/my_sister_wanted_to_be_a_model_but_she_was_too/
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Why do the Scottish wear kilts?

Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqbt35/why_do_the_scottish_wear_kilts/
%
A bus carrying a jazz band has broke down on the highway

Witnesses are reporting a massive jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqbosw/a_bus_carrying_a_jazz_band_has_broke_down_on_the/
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The two best racehorses in the country.

There were these two racehorses, Galem and Gollum. They were raised together and had been racing side by side their entire lives. Everyone loved to watch them. They were always faster than the other horses; as a matter of fact, they were the best racehorses in the country.
As good as they were, Galem always came in first and Gollum always finished second. It was always a close second, but Gollum just couldn't seem to get the win. One day before a race, as they were relaxing in the stable together getting prepared, Gollum approached Galem:
"Hey, Galem. Big race today. I was thinking...I'd really love to win for once. Do you think you could maybe just let me have this one? I mean, you've won every race of your career, just one second place won't hurt you at all."
After thinking about it for a second, Galem replied, "ya know, buddy, you're right. You deserve this. You take this win and I'll pull up right behind you. You've been a great friend, it's the least I can do!"
As they're getting ready to start the race, Gollum is ecstatic. He's actually going to win one! This is his day! Finally, after an eternity, the gun fires and the gates fly open. They're off! In true fashion, they jump out in front of everyone and firmly build their lead. It's neck and neck! Galem and Gollum! Back and forth! Everyone is on the edge of their seats, it's one of the most exciting races they've seen! As the finish line approaches, Galem falls back and Gollum moves to the front. His moment is finally here! He's going to win! But right before they cross the finish line, Galem slingshots up and takes the win. Gollum is furious!
"What the hell, man?" Gollum raged as they got back to the stables. "You said this would be my win!"
"Dude, I am so, so, sorry. I got lost in the moment and forgot! Tell ya what, tomorrow is the last race of our career before we retire. You can win that one. You can go out with your first victory!"
"Yeah! I like that!" Gollum replies. His anger fades and he starts to concentrate on the upcoming race.
The next day, they're back in the gates and Gollum is practically salivating over his impending win. The gun fires, the gates open, and they're off! Just like before, it's neck and neck, back and forth! Galem and Gollum, Galem and Gollum! As the finish line approaches, Gollum is sure he's got this. But! Just like the previous day, Galem swoops ahead and takes the win by a hair. Gollum feels his spirit break as he realizes that he will end his career without a single win to his name.
A few months later, Galem and Gollum are relaxing at the farm that they both retired to, enjoying the spoiled treatment that they are being lavished with, when Gollum speaks up:
"Hey man. I still don't know what it feels like to win. But I still want to know. Can we have one more race? One that doesn't matter for points or ranking or anything like that? Just you and me around this barn. And please, just this once, let me win. It's all I've ever wanted."
Golum immediately replied, "absolutely, friend. I still feel bad for how I treated you when we were racing and I want to make it up to you. We'll start at dawn, race until we can't race any more, and you'll know what it's like to feel that sweet, sweet victory."
The next morning, as the sun barely started peeking over the horizon, both horses shot out of the barn like bullets. Around and around they went, kicking up dust and dirt and grabbing the attention of every other farm animal within earshot. Back and forth, back and forth, Galem and Gollum, Galem and Gollum. Just like old time! As they put the laps behind them and the finish line approached, Gollum was firmly in the lead. His victory was close! But, just like before, Galem swung ahead and took the win. Gollum couldn't believe what had just happened.
Gollum stomped his way up to a nearby chicken and started to rage, "can you believe that? What nerve! He said he would let me win! And he didn't! Even in a race with no prize!"
To which the chicken, with confusion in his eyes, replied:
"Holy sh\*t, a talking horse!"
/fin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqbo0e/the_two_best_racehorses_in_the_country/
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My wife said to me, what would you do if you came home one day and caught me having sex with your best friend?, I replied.

You must be a Lesbian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqbg47/my_wife_said_to_me_what_would_you_do_if_you_came/
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A proctologist pulls a thermometer out from his coat pocket...

Great, now some A**hole has my pen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqbdhk/a_proctologist_pulls_a_thermometer_out_from_his/
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What do you call it when there is no internet in Russia?

Internyet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqb8a7/what_do_you_call_it_when_there_is_no_internet_in/
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A gay man went to a church one day

. The pastor of the church was greeting people as they came in. The gay man said "Heeeyyy," with his lisp as he greeted the pastor.
The pastor was disgusted at the gay man, and shouted "you need Jesus in your life!"
The gay man looked offended. "Excuse me! I'll have you know that I have $1,000 dollars I was planning to donate to the church!"
The pastor immediately smiled. "Brother! How are you doing today? Hey, for being so generous, I'd like to do something for you - I'll let you choose three Hymns at the church service today!"
The gay man agreed, and when the service started, the pastor announced: "Hello folks, my brother in Christ today will be choosing Hymns today! Come on up, brother!"
The gay man gets up to the stage. The pastor hands him the Hymnal. "Go ahead and choose your three Hymns," the pastor says.
The gay man smiles, points at the audience and says "I'll take him, him, and him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqb86p/a_gay_man_went_to_a_church_one_day/
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Pilot, copilot joke.

Pilot and copilot are getting ready to land. The pilot says, "I've heard this airport runway is pretty short so I may call for some extra flaps. The copilot acknowledges.
They break through the clouds and see the runway. The pilot says to the copilot, "yeah, that's a pretty short runway. Give me quarter flaps. Copilot adds quarter flaps.
They get closer. The pilot says, "Damn, this runway's is pretty short. Give me half flaps. Copilot looking a bit nervous gives him half flaps.
The pilot now is getting pretty nervous, "crap that's a short runway, give me three quarter flaps!" The copilot starting to sweat gives me three quarter flaps.
They're about to touch down. The pilot yells, "holy crap this is a  short runway! Give me full flaps!" The copilot panicking gives him full flaps.
They touch down apply full brakes and reversers and somehow manage to stop the plane. After they come to a halt, the pilot wipes his brow and says, "damn! That was the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"
The copilot looks around and says, "yeah, but sure is wide".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqb7l3/pilot_copilot_joke/
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A local nunnery started a fight club

Obviously such an event had to be very under the radar, so very few people knew about it.
One of my best friends aunts is a nun, so he invited me to go with him. I went once, immediately got hooked, and now we go every Tuesday night.  I told my wife that I had to work late Tuesday nights, then me friend and I would go place bets on the nuns.
Eventually my wife got suspicious and thought that I was having an affair.  When she confronted me about it, I had no other option but to tell her about the fight club. Obviously she didn’t believe me, so I told her I’d bring her with us the next time we went.
Tuesday rolled around, and the three of us went to the nunnery. To my wife’s astonishment, when we walked in, two of the sisters were going at it while men cheered them on from all sides.
We watched the rest of the fight, and it was a brutal one. In the end, one of the sisters landed a mean uppercut that knocked the other one out. The crowd erupted in cheers.  Out of nowhere, the nun that one ran up to me and kissed me right on the mouth in celebration.  Time froze, and my wife couldn’t believe what was happening before her eyes, and she stormed out. That night my wife left me, and I haven’t seen her since.
So that’s the story of how my wife things I’m having an affair with a nun.
Moral of the story?  Never bring your wife to a nun fight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqb3c2/a_local_nunnery_started_a_fight_club/
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What is the difference between you and a calendar?

A calendar has a date on Valentine's day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqb2es/what_is_the_difference_between_you_and_a_calendar/
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

In a BMW, the pricks are on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqb1t6/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
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Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her backyard?

Yeah neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqb13c/did_you_know_that_helen_keller_had_a_dollhouse_in/
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Blonde dropped and cracked her phone screen.

Blonde 1: "Hey, I dropped my phone and the screen is cracked. Will they be able to fix this?"
Blonde 2: "Is it that bad?"
Blonde 1::  "See for yourself. I'll send you a screen shot."
\*After seeing the screenshot\*
Blonde 2:  "Are you kidding me?"
Blonde 1:: "..."
Blonde 2: "This looks brand new."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqaoxg/blonde_dropped_and_cracked_her_phone_screen/
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An electron was pulled over by the quantum state patrol...

The officer walked up to the car and said, "do you know how fast you were going?" To which the electron responded "no, but I know where I am!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqai3a/an_electron_was_pulled_over_by_the_quantum_state/
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I have a german philosophy joke, but I don't think you'll get it

It's pretty Nietzsche

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqad7a/i_have_a_german_philosophy_joke_but_i_dont_think/
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How does God say excuse me?

Sorry, I'm in Yahwey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqaby4/how_does_god_say_excuse_me/
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Three men at a bar

Man one turns to the other two and says:
“Fellas I think my wife is cheating on me with a Doctor”
Man two and three reply:
“How do you know?”
Man one says:
“because I found a Doctor’s-medicine bag under the bed”
Man two says:
“Well Fellas I think my wife’s cheating on me with a construction worker”
Man one and three reply:
“How do you know?”
Man two replies:
“Because I found construction tools under our bed”
Man three says:
“Fellas I think my wife is cheating on me with a horse”
Man one and two say:
“A horse?”
Man three says, yeah because I found a cowboy under our bed”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqa6hf/three_men_at_a_bar/
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A factory worker is leaving with his wheelbarrow after a long workday.

On his way out, the worker is stopped by a security guard.
"What's in the box?" asks the guard.
"A box." replies the worker.
Annoyed, the guard says, "I know you have a small box. What's in the box?"
"Well, you know the sawdust on the floor is swept up and thrown away. Well, I needed some, so I put it in a box and I'm gonna take it home."
The guard says to open the box. He opens the box and there's sawdust.
"Alright, get out of here." says the guard.
The next day the same thing occurred. For another week it happened. Finally, the security guard's curiosity gets the best of him. "I've got this feeling that you're up to something. I think you're actually stealing something. If you tell me what it is then I promise, I won't report it."
The worker responds, "Alright then. I'm stealing wheelbarrows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqa5th/a_factory_worker_is_leaving_with_his_wheelbarrow/
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What's the worst way to break up with Elon Musk?

By saying *"I need some space"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqa1uu/whats_the_worst_way_to_break_up_with_elon_musk/
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The japanese company Subaru is releasing an electric remodel of the Subaru Legacy

it's called Legacy 2 electric subaru

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aqa0vw/the_japanese_company_subaru_is_releasing_an/
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In a house, leaning against a pole, my friend asked if I was dating it.

I said yes and she’s very supportive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq9yby/in_a_house_leaning_against_a_pole_my_friend_asked/
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A mama shark and a her pup were swimming by a beach

The pup turnes to its mother and said "Mom, I'm hungry".
"Just find some swimmer, swim a couple laps around him, and dig in, child", she replies.
The pup is impatient and says "But swimming laps takes so long! I'm just going to dig in instead".
"Go ahead, but don't come crying to me when it still tastes like shit", she sighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq9xi3/a_mama_shark_and_a_her_pup_were_swimming_by_a/
%
What's green and has wheels?

Grass.
I lied about the wheels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq9wzg/whats_green_and_has_wheels/
%
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq9sxh/90_degrees_is_pretty_hot_for_most_people/
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A man walking in a desert was about to starve to death, when he suddenly...

Died of thirst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq9qyk/a_man_walking_in_a_desert_was_about_to_starve_to/
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What’s an anti vaxx kids favourite game?

Marco polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq9lbl/whats_an_anti_vaxx_kids_favourite_game/
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3 men find a genie’s lamp in a huge desert. The genie tells them they each get one wish.

The first guy wishes to be with his family.
POOF
He’s gone.
The second guy wishes to be on an island.
POOF
He’s gone
Third guy wishes for his friends to be with him.
POOF
The first two guys are back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq9igc/3_men_find_a_genies_lamp_in_a_huge_desert_the/
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Meatballs told Spaghetti to go to bed..

..because it was pasta bedtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq9fne/meatballs_told_spaghetti_to_go_to_bed/
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Me and my wife have only one thing in common

Neither of us is doing blowjobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq98e2/me_and_my_wife_have_only_one_thing_in_common/
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A defendant was on trial for murder.

There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq96ky/a_defendant_was_on_trial_for_murder/
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Before i die im going to eat a whole bag of un-poped popcorn

Hopefully it will make the cremation a bit more interesting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq92ev/before_i_die_im_going_to_eat_a_whole_bag_of/
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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a ideal child, studied medicine, became a doctor and was so good people called him a god. Jesus was a bad boy. He indulged in things we should not speak of. While they were far apart in behaviour, they were very close.
One night, around midnight their mother Mary, was woken up by shreiks some creature. Curious and scared she went down the stairs to investigate. The squeals lead her to the barn where what she saw shocked her so much, she exclaimed,"Jesus Fucking Christ!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq91k7/religion_if_youre_religious_this_is_not_for_you/
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Inspired by some of my favorite subs like r/earthporn and r/roomporn, I decided to start a sub built around the most beautiful thing I’ve ever photographed.

Now my main account has been banned and the FBI is at my door to ask me about r/newbornporn.  I think I could be in some trouble here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq8v2l/inspired_by_some_of_my_favorite_subs_like/
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Why is attendance at porn school so important?

Because coming is the most important part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq8uvk/why_is_attendance_at_porn_school_so_important/
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Everyone should stop giving zombies a hard time...

...they just want piece of mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq8sa1/everyone_should_stop_giving_zombies_a_hard_time/
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I was watching porn about a Korean girl and didn’t know which Korean she was from

Until she opened her fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq8r7t/i_was_watching_porn_about_a_korean_girl_and_didnt/
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I bought a dog from the local blacksmith today

as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq8oi1/i_bought_a_dog_from_the_local_blacksmith_today/
%
While digging a hole in the backyard I discovered a box full of gold coins! Excited I went inside to tell my wife...

But then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq8jm5/while_digging_a_hole_in_the_backyard_i_discovered/
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A teacher is trying to teach her students table manners

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a lovely young lady, how would you tell her you need to use the restroom?" asked the teacher
"Just a minute, I have to pee" answered Michael.
"That would be rude and impolite" said the teacher. "how about you, Sherman, how would you say it?"
"I'm really sorry, but I have to use the bathroom. I'll be right back" responded Sherman.
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say bathroom at the dinner table. How about you, Johnny? Can you tell us how to use good manners?" said the teacher.
Johnny replied "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a dear friend of mine who I hope to introduce you to after dinner"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq8apu/a_teacher_is_trying_to_teach_her_students_table/
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If you know nothing about constellations at least learn Ursa Minor

...that's the bear minimum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq8ahc/if_you_know_nothing_about_constellations_at_least/
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My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq85nz/my_wife_said_i_am_going_to_cycle_10_miles_every/
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Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners

But Catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq84j4/dogs_cant_operate_mri_scanners/
%
Is the English language confusing?

It's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq820e/is_the_english_language_confusing/
%
What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Corean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7ypb/what_language_do_they_speak_at_the_center_of_the/
%
I couldn't cry at a 7:00 am funeral

I guess I'm not a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7xma/i_couldnt_cry_at_a_700_am_funeral/
%
A woman goes to a pharmacy and asks if they have 12 inch size condoms.

"How many do you want", pharmacist replies.
"None, just take my phone number and give it to anyone who comes to buy it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7xl5/a_woman_goes_to_a_pharmacy_and_asks_if_they_have/
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A Rainy Day.

A woman invites her boyfriend to her house for dinner.
She tells him "Come over for dinner, but just know, there's a huge fight going on at home about who's going to do the dishes, and the dishes haven't been done for like, 20 days. And we've made a pact that the first person to speak in the house does the dishes, so no one's going to be talking".
The man thinks to himself  "Oh how bad could it be?", and decides to go over to his girlfriend's house. He decides to take his old cycle to go to her house, but the downside was that everytime it rained, he had to grease the chains so that it wouldn't get stuck. He decides to carry some Vaseline along with him incase it rained.
When he reaches his girlfriend house, he notices that everyone indeed is quiet and no one's making any sound. "They must be taking it seriously then", he thinks to himself, and he sits at the dining table for dinner. He has a look at the sink and sure enough, there was a pile of unwashed dishes, and a very unpleasant odour coming from them. Slightly weirded out, he turns his attention to the food that was served and begins to eat. He realises that he can take advantage of the non-speaking situation and under the table, slides his had up his girlfriend's leg and begins to finger her. Seeing that no one said anything, he take it one step further and undresses her right there, infront of everyone and starts fucking her. The mother is horrified and the father beings fuming with anger, but neither of them say anything, keeping the challenge in mind. The man takes complete advantage of this and proceeds to even undress the mother and starts fucking her too! The father, now filled with utter rage, tries to keep his mouth shut with all his power, as he absolutely did not want to touch the disgustingly dirty dishes.
Suddenly, they hear the loud rumble of thunder, and it starts to rain outside. The man immediately remembers about his cycle, and pulls out the container of Vaseline that he brought to grease his cycle's chain. The father sees this and screams :
"Stop right there! I'll do the dishes and even clean the entire house! Just don't come near me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7wjf/a_rainy_day/
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I attached all my watches together to make a belt.

It was a waist of time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7vmz/i_attached_all_my_watches_together_to_make_a_belt/
%
19 minutes until Valentines

If I kill myself right now, I'll get flowers later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7u74/19_minutes_until_valentines/
%
After a failed surgery...

Mother: doctor, how is my son?
Doctor: well...
Father: please doctor, tell us he is all right.
Doctor: Well, his left hand is gone...so, he is gonna be all right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7rml/after_a_failed_surgery/
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I always wanted to pursue a career in crowd estimation.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7rem/i_always_wanted_to_pursue_a_career_in_crowd/
%
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7mae/a_crusty_old_man_walks_into_the_local_lutheran/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7jhx/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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My local church recently started offering gluten-free communion wafers....

They're called "I can't believe it's not Jesus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7j6y/my_local_church_recently_started_offering/
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Why are you not allowed to keep eagles that have a disease?

Because they are ill-eagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7gut/why_are_you_not_allowed_to_keep_eagles_that_have/
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The Old Man and the Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 30 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?
The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an
avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large
male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.”
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7ggp/the_old_man_and_the_beaver/
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The challenges.

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. As he takes a seat, he notices a weird jar behind the bar counter labelled "The Challenges", that's full of cash. Intrigued by it, he asks the bartender what the jar is about.
"Oh, like the jar says, it's for The Challenges. You pay $10 to take them on.  If you're able to complete them successfully, you get all the cash in the jar, if not, you just lost 10 bucks", he says. The man laughs it off, and proceeds to get his drinks on.
After a lot of drinks, he decides to take on the challenge. He asks the bartender what the challenges are. " Well, they're quite simple. Firstly, you need to knock the big bouncer who's outside the bar. Second, you need to remove a loose tooth from the mouth of a rabid dog that's locked in one of the rooms above. And lastly, there's a 90 year old woman in the penthouse that's looking for some... love. Show her a good time, and you win! Simple isn't it?", He says.
The man, drunkenly, takes on the challenge. With his new alcohol-induced strength, he knocks the bouncer out in one punch. He then proceeds to the next challenge, to room with the dog. He locks the door behind him to make sure the dog doesn't escape. Everyone present in the bar gathers outside the door, listening to the growls and barks of the dog and the sounds from the apparent fightt. After a while, they don't hear anything. The door unlocks, and the man comes out, with a proud look on his face. He looks at the bartender and goes:
"So, where's the woman who's teeth I had to remove?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7exf/the_challenges/
%
After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

"Who was that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7bxm/after_my_proctology_exam_i_was_left_alone_in_the/
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What do you call a robot that sexually harasses people?

R2 #metoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7b03/what_do_you_call_a_robot_that_sexually_harasses/
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A husband and wife are trying to have a baby

After many attempts and what seems like an endless number of trips to the doctor and fertility clinic they meet with the doctor who tells them, "I do not think you will be able to have children."
The wife is overcome with emotion and her husband consoles her saying, "Inconceivable."
The doctor replies,"I don't think that word means what you think it means."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq7a5z/a_husband_and_wife_are_trying_to_have_a_baby/
%
Polyphemus the cyclops learns his assaulter's name and yells to Poseidon to strike him down Poseidon asks why?

Polyphemus:
"He's O-dissing-us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq78vg/polyphemus_the_cyclops_learns_his_assaulters_name/
%
My tombstone won’t say rip, it will say vip

Because there is a special place in hell for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq754k/my_tombstone_wont_say_rip_it_will_say_vip/
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I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage

Zero fucks were given.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq74b1/i_complained_to_my_wife_about_our_sexless_marriage/
%
A father walks in on her daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber.

"Gross" he says, "I was gonna eat it. Now it will taste like cucumber."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq73wr/a_father_walks_in_on_her_daughter_pleasuring/
%
What’s long, hard, and has cum in it?

Cucumber.
But I like they way you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq70kp/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq6vtc/a_girl_asks_her_boyfriend_to_come_over_friday/
%
A man walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Only if you tell me a joke" The man responds "A man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "Only if you tell me a joke" The man responds "A man walks into a bar. It hurts." So he pours him a drink. So he pours him a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq6qfy/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_drink/
%
California Condor

A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor.  The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?"  The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it."  The judge said, "That is a tough story.  I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like."  The man replied, "It's really not bad.  Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq6k2b/california_condor/
%
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "Dam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq6jww/two_fish_swim_into_a_concrete_wall/
%
"Life is way too short to be taken seriously."

An anti-vaxxer said to her kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq6jep/life_is_way_too_short_to_be_taken_seriously/
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Why can't millennials take a joke?

Because the jokes always hit a little too close to their parent's house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq6gqq/why_cant_millennials_take_a_joke/
%
What kind of coffee do terrorists drink?

Osama Bin Latte, exploding with flavor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq6f2s/what_kind_of_coffee_do_terrorists_drink/
%
A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to go to the toilet

The cowboy gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment. He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, he smashes the floor with his foot three times. Everybody stops making noise and look at him attentively.
"Gentlemen," he says, "my horse is right outside and I need to go to the toilet right now. When I come back, I will go check outside and, if my horse is not there, it will mean everything will have to be just as it was that time when I was in Texas. Don't let it happen here."
Without saying a word more, the cowboy walks to the toilet and closes the door. Every single person in there starts talking between them and asking 'what was it that happened in Texas?' non-stop without getting an answer from anybody. The bartender certainly didn't know, and it seemed as if nobody had gotten any news yet of what happened in Texas the time the cowboy was there.
The cowboy is taking too long and everybody almost start panicking and praying for whatever happened in Texas not to happen in there. They get progressively more agitated each minute that passes. The fear in that room grows so strong that nobody leaves his seat or wants to do it at all, not even to check if the horse is still outside or if anything happened with the cowboy.
Luckily, the cowboy comes out walking calmly and fixing his belt. The room gets quiet once again while the cowboy keeps walking towards the exit. He gets to the door, opens it and takes a step outside to check on his horse. With the room still in silence, the cowboy steps back in and looks around with a face of satisfaction.
"Gentlemen, you did well. My horse is still outside. Keep on drinking in peace. Farewell fellows."
Everybody in the bar sigh in relief. As the cowboy walks outside and is climbing on his horse, a guy from the bar comes running to him.
"Sir," the guy says in haste, "you put everybody in the room in deep anxiety for whatever happened in Texas. The tension could be felt in the air as nobody knew what was it that happened over there the time you where in Texas. Sir, please, could you tell me what was it that happened in Texas?"
"Oh," the cowboy exclaims, "in Texas my horse was actually stolen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq6equ/a_cowboy_is_riding_his_horse_in_a_small_town_and/
%
A programmer

is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq6555/a_programmer/
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Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq614x/two_drunk_guys_were_about_to_get_into_a_fight_one/
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What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

Brothel Sprouts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq5zvy/what_do_you_call_kids_born_in_whorehouses/
%
Did you hear about the girl who stole my heart?

The police placed her under cardiac arrest!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq5z68/did_you_hear_about_the_girl_who_stole_my_heart/
%
Why is soy sauce forbidden in fights?

‘Cause you should never Kikkoman when he’s down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq5ygw/why_is_soy_sauce_forbidden_in_fights/
%
My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.

Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq5wqx/my_parents_were_very_against_the_idea_of_me/
%
Why didn't the cow laugh at my joke?

He wasn't very amoosed because it was udderly lacking in humor, he had herd it before, it wasn't very mooving, it was cheesy and I milked the punchline a bit too much. Definitely wasn't moosic to his ears. He still gave me a pat on the back though, which put me in a better moood.
I was at a joke competition too, so the steaks were high, yet I still managed to butcher the joke. I knew I should have stuck to that cowculus competition instead, except everything goes in one ear and out the udder in my math classes.
Ok you should stop reading here, it's probably pasture bedtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq5woy/why_didnt_the_cow_laugh_at_my_joke/
%
One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:
"Tell me what happened to your back...?"
The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.
On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open.
I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone.
As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself.
I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him.
It was very heavy...
That is how I strained my back.!"
Later that day, a second patient arrives as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor said: "My previous patient looked bad..
But you look terrible..
What the hell happened to you ?"
He replied: "You know I have been unemployed for a while now.
Today was the first day at my new job...
I forgot to set my alarm and I was late...
I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time.
And you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge.
I don't know how and where from this fridge fell on me...!!!"
Before closing hours, the third patient comes. He looks like he was punished in hell.
The doctor is shocked.
He asks: "What the hell happened to you..??"
The patient replies:
"Well, It started like this, I was in a fridge.........."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq5snv/one_morning_at_a_doctors_clinic_a_patient_arrives/
%
Why do redditors hate Facebook?

Because they already reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq5na8/why_do_redditors_hate_facebook/
%
I like my jokes like I like my Chuck E Cheese pizza.

Recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq5n7s/i_like_my_jokes_like_i_like_my_chuck_e_cheese/
%
Having your period on Valentine's day

Will be such a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq5mxv/having_your_period_on_valentines_day/
%
A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm

The bartender says, "Hey! Get that pig out of here!"
The lady scoffs and tells the bartender, "This isn't a pig, it's a duck." To which the bartender replies, "I was talkin' to the duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq5kaq/a_lady_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_duck_under_her_arm/
%
What’s black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq5hex/whats_black_and_screams/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because I like Queen and she doesn't.

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq5e4a/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_like/
%
How do you get an old lady to say the f word?

You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq5c7s/how_do_you_get_an_old_lady_to_say_the_f_word/
%
I showed my girlfriend a Polaroid of my dick.

She goes “Let’s wait. I think it’s still developing.”
I reply “I hope so. I’ve been saying that since I was 9.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq560v/i_showed_my_girlfriend_a_polaroid_of_my_dick/
%
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a dog, the owner asks him, "Would you like a male or a female dog?"

"Bitch please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq54q8/a_man_goes_into_a_pet_shop_to_buy_a_dog_the_owner/
%
Teacher/Student

**The teacher says:** Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
**The student says:** Obviously it's the past tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq4vb9/teacherstudent/
%
There are two things that never gets old

1. Jokes about antivaxers
2. Kids of antivaxers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq4uwm/there_are_two_things_that_never_gets_old/
%
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? How’s it work?”
“Watch,” said the drunk. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “Hey, you jerk! It’s three in the morning!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq4uu3/proudly_showing_off_his_new_apartment_to_a_friend/
%
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who cares?
They never get the house anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq4ue5/how_many_divorced_men_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How do you eat Reese's puffs?

Witherspoon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq4p46/how_do_you_eat_reeses_puffs/
%
How to be cool:

A) Make the sunglasses face
B)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq4knx/how_to_be_cool/
%
Do you know how much pressure did the Cartel put on the Columbian goverment in the 80s?

1 escobar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq4dya/do_you_know_how_much_pressure_did_the_cartel_put/
%
I made a car out of wood

But it wooden go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq4bv9/i_made_a_car_out_of_wood/
%
Since I've installed Adblock Plus

All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq4a1m/since_ive_installed_adblock_plus/
%
NSFW - a little boy walks into the bathroom while mum is in the bath...

"Mum, what's that between your legs?"
"Well darling, that's my axe wound, I got hit with an axe."
The little boy ponders this for a minute.
"What are the chances ? It hit you right in the cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq4402/nsfw_a_little_boy_walks_into_the_bathroom_while/
%
Success means different things at different times of life.

At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success means having friends.
At age 17, success means having a driver's licence.
At age 25, success means having sex.
At age 35, success means having money.
At age 45, success means having money.
At age 55, success means having sex.
At age 65, success means having a driver's licence.
At age 75, success means having friends.
At age 85, success means not peeing in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq4392/success_means_different_things_at_different_times/
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Introducing a Friend Who Says Whatever He's Thinking

"I'd like you to meet a friend of mine."
"How do you do?"
"You want a Big Mac or Whopper that's been in my butt?"
"What the hell is wrong with your friend?"
"Oh, don't mind him.  He just has ass burgers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq3zlk/introducing_a_friend_who_says_whatever_hes/
%
Why can't a fish play jump rope?

It keeps getting caught on the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq3uvi/why_cant_a_fish_play_jump_rope/
%
What do you call a Russian president that's also Canadian?

Vladimir Poutine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq3qez/what_do_you_call_a_russian_president_thats_also/
%
I named my horse Mayo

Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq3onl/i_named_my_horse_mayo/
%
A man goes to the doctors and tells the doctor not to be alarmed, because the man has 5 penises

The doctor replies “ 5 penises? How do your pants fit?”
The man responds “Like a glove”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq3lq0/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors_and_tells_the_doctor/
%
When a cow doesnt produce milk...

is that an udder failure ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq3las/when_a_cow_doesnt_produce_milk/
%
What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs?

The bikings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq3k8r/what_do_you_call_a_motorcycle_gang_made_up_of/
%
My husband says "Honey, I have to say..."

[Nsfw]
"Every time I touch you, I still get a boner."
I told him I appreciate the heads up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq3jkh/my_husband_says_honey_i_have_to_say/
%
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.

His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry."
He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad."
He then turns to the boy and asks:
"What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq3dma/a_father_catches_his_daughter_having_sex_with_a/
%
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can sell the same crack over and over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq3c4g/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
%
Little Timmy

When little Timmy went to school,
and mastered one to nine.
He thought the other kids were cool,
and every class divine.
He painted shapes in red and blue,
and drew in curves and bends.
And by the time the day was through,
he’d made a hundred friends!
“I’m pals with Pete, and Mike, and Max!’
he told his pa with pride.
But Timmy’s folks were anti-vaxx, and Timmy fucking died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq397l/little_timmy/
%
A French man moves to America and begins looking for a job.

He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner. The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the French man says, in his thick accent, “In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says “well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The French man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man. “Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The French man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little shit right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq34ji/a_french_man_moves_to_america_and_begins_looking/
%
Ever notice that regular gouda is square, yet smoked gouda is circular?

Smoking really does take the edge off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq33ai/ever_notice_that_regular_gouda_is_square_yet/
%
As I regained consciousness in the hospital from last night's car crash

the doctors were trying to convince me I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity...  But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq30iy/as_i_regained_consciousness_in_the_hospital_from/
%
I dropped a knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to attach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor:I have some good news and I have some bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first.
Doctor: The bad news is that they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: What's the good news?
Doctor: The good news is that the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq2yp6/i_dropped_a_knife_and_cut_off_a_toe/
%
The poor man asks the rich man...

"What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq2y4n/the_poor_man_asks_the_rich_man/
%
When it comes to foreign phrases, I don't know, I just ...

... lack a certain 'Jenna say Kwa.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq2ur2/when_it_comes_to_foreign_phrases_i_dont_know_i/
%
What do you call a chick who won't suck dick?

You don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq2tyl/what_do_you_call_a_chick_who_wont_suck_dick/
%
Who’s the first black man to admit he was the father?

Darth Vader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq2ous/whos_the_first_black_man_to_admit_he_was_the/
%
A woman with no arms and no legs is laying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs is laying on the beach sobbing.
A man walks by and asks “why are you crying?”
Woman: Well... I’m crying because I have no arms or legs and I’ve never been hugged before..
Man: That’s terrible! I’ll give you a hug.
He gives her a hug and goes on his way.
A few hours later she is laying on the beach sobbing some more and another man walks by.
Man: Oh no why are you crying at the beach of all places!?
Woman: Well having no arms or legs I’ve never been kissed before...
Man: Um. Okay well I can do that for you! It’s just a kiss.
He kisses her and goes on his way.
Later that day the woman is sobbing AGAIN and another man walks by..
Man: Oh my god why are you crying!?
Woman: I’m crying so much because as you can imagine since I don’t have any arms or legs I’ve never been fucked before....
Man: Oh, okay. Well that really must be tough so I can do that for you.
The man picks her up and throws her out in the ocean. “You’re fucked now!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq2lf0/a_woman_with_no_arms_and_no_legs_is_laying_on_the/
%
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if a chicken coop had four doors, it would be called a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq2cbl/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_two_doors/
%
Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq29do/valentines_special_50000/
%
As a Brit, I can't get into American football

They rugby the wrong way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq29be/as_a_brit_i_cant_get_into_american_football/
%
The end of liFe is ironic.

If you know even a bit of chemistry, you'll get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq2946/the_end_of_life_is_ironic/
%
Even if the universe ended in a big freeze

We'd be 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq274p/even_if_the_universe_ended_in_a_big_freeze/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates.

It doesn't last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq26qc/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What’s the difference between a joke and 3 cocks?

You can’t take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq21o1/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_3_cocks/
%
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use my knife to preserve ammo

All the other paintball players started freaking out though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq212g/in_the_middle_of_the_battle_i_decided_to_use_my/
%
A little boy wakes up in the morning and overhears his parents arguing downstairs.

“... those bitches and bastards will be coming...” is all he hears. When his parents are done arguing, he comes out of his room and asks his mom what that means. She says to him, “Oh, it just means men and women, sweetie.”
Later, the boy hears them arguing again, picking out the phrase “penises and vaginas.” He then goes his dad to find out what this phrase means, to which has dad responds: “It means coats and hats.”
That evening, the family was getting ready to have guests over for dinner. He walks past his dad in the bathroom, who has just cut himself shaving. “SHIT!” he yells. The boy asks him what this new word means, and the father tells him it just means shaving cream.
Next he goes down to the kitchen where his mom is cutting the turkey for dinner. She accidentally nicks her finger with the knife and drops a loud f-bomb. Again, with his great sense of curiosity, the boy asks what that word means. “It just means cutting, honey.” the mom replied.
Just then the guests arrived for dinner. The boy decides to go answer the door and let them inside. After they all come in, he proceeds to say to them: “Good evening, bitches and bastards. May I hang your penises and vaginas? My dad is in the bathroom wiping the shit off his face and my mom’s fucking the turkey!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq1qc9/a_little_boy_wakes_up_in_the_morning_and/
%
What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used?

Weird flax but 0k

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq1m56/what_do_you_call_a_whole_grain_thats_zero/
%
I installed anti virus software on my computer

Now my computer has autism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq1jw2/i_installed_anti_virus_software_on_my_computer/
%
I got fired from my job for putting my dick in a dishwasher.

I felt real bad about it, because she got fired too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq1hho/i_got_fired_from_my_job_for_putting_my_dick_in_a/
%
What music are balloons most afraid of?

Pop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq1get/what_music_are_balloons_most_afraid_of/
%
What's the difference between me and cancer

My dad didn't beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq1dnm/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
My luck is so bad that..

If it was raining pussy I’d get hit by a dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq1ci0/my_luck_is_so_bad_that/
%
Why was the anti-vaxxer's 2 year old child crying?

A mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq1bbh/why_was_the_antivaxxers_2_year_old_child_crying/
%
Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq18o0/girls_night_out/
%
I have only two new years resolutions: To get back into the shape I was before the accident...

....and to stop referring to the fact that I eat too much junkfood, 'the accident'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq189d/i_have_only_two_new_years_resolutions_to_get_back/
%
Early One Morning

Woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still.
When suddenly a tiny bird, perched on my window sill.
It sang a song so lovely, so carefree and gay.
That slowly all my troubles, began to slip away.
It sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun.
It seemed his very song, brought out the morning sun.
I pulled back the covers, and crept slowly out of bed,
and gently shut the window, and crushed his head.
I'm not a morning person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq17ef/early_one_morning/
%
My mailman tried telling me a joke but it wasn't all that funny.

He should work on his delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq12t4/my_mailman_tried_telling_me_a_joke_but_it_wasnt/
%
How do noodles end their prayers?

Ramen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq0zzj/how_do_noodles_end_their_prayers/
%
A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.

She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq0xtw/a_few_days_ago_i_told_a_lady_on_the_bus_she_had/
%
Three Seniors.

Three senior citizens at breakfast discussing their bowel  movements.  First man boldly states, I’m still in great shape, every day I wake up at 5:00 AM and I spend about 3 minutes on toilet and I have a healthy shit and I’m good for the day.  2nd man states yeah me too I wake up at 4:30, spend about a minute on the toilet and have a healthy shit and I’m good for the day. The third man not to be outdone, yeah every day at 4:00 AM I have a healthy shit, then I wake up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq0xrq/three_seniors/
%
I feel most at home in a plastic surgery clinic

They don’t mind if you pick your nose there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq0x3w/i_feel_most_at_home_in_a_plastic_surgery_clinic/
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A father decides to commit a crime

But before he can do it he must get a disguise, so he heads on down to a halloween shop and buys a pirate disguise.
Now that he has a disguise he went to go commit the crime. After the crime was done he escaped home, but as he was removing said disguise his son walked in
“Father you look like he person who committed a crime today, did you? And what crime did you commit?”
“Arr son”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq0wdk/a_father_decides_to_commit_a_crime/
%
How do serfs greet each other?

They exchange peasantries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq0of2/how_do_serfs_greet_each_other/
%
I had phone sex last night.

Now I have hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq0iwd/i_had_phone_sex_last_night/
%
A wife calls her husband in a panic...

Wife: "There's water in the carburetor!"
Husband: "The carburetor? That's ridiculous!"
Wife: "I'm telling you, the carburetor is completely flooded, there's water everywhere!"
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Let me come take a look. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq0ivr/a_wife_calls_her_husband_in_a_panic/
%
There are two rules for success

1. Don't reveal everything you know
2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq0ihu/there_are_two_rules_for_success/
%
The Drill Sergeant

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows,
"This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells,
"Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!"
So they close in slightly... The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it.
"DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq0he9/the_drill_sergeant/
%
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who rarely farted?

His name was Toot-uncommon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq0er4/did_you_hear_about_the_pharaoh_who_rarely_farted/
%
Today, I saw two kids beating up a kid in an alleyway...

So I stepped in to help.
He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq08f7/today_i_saw_two_kids_beating_up_a_kid_in_an/
%
Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq06zy/why_doesnt_oedipus_swear/
%
They laughed at my crayon drawings...

I laughed at their chalk outlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq06cj/they_laughed_at_my_crayon_drawings/
%
Whats the difference between a bullet and a human?

Humans miss JFK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq05wk/whats_the_difference_between_a_bullet_and_a_human/
%
What do they say about a minimalist's yard sale?

Not a whole lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq011j/what_do_they_say_about_a_minimalists_yard_sale/
%
There are two kinds of lawyers in the afterlife...

Those who are in hell, and, those who are very, very good...
..At their job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aq00b4/there_are_two_kinds_of_lawyers_in_the_afterlife/
%
A blonde and a brunette work in an office together...

The brunette tells the blonde that she doesn't feel like being there today, so she jumps up and grabs the hanging ceiling light.
About that time their boss walks into the room and asks the brunette what the hell she is doing.
The brunette responds: "I'm a light bulb!"
The boss just looks down and tells her she needs some time off, and for her to go home for the day.
As soon as the brunette leaves, the blonde also makes her way to the door.
The boss stops her and asks where the hell she's going.
The blonde replied: "Well I can't work in the dark. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apztjj/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_work_in_an_office_together/
%
A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff

Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.
"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."
The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apzot1/a_bus_full_of_cheerleaders_went_off_a_cliff/
%
What’s the difference between a dad joke and a mom joke?

I don’t know, go ask mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apzkqz/whats_the_difference_between_a_dad_joke_and_a_mom/
%
Chuck Norris went to a feminist march

Came back with an ironed shirt and a sandwich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apzda5/chuck_norris_went_to_a_feminist_march/
%
How many wives

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"
His friend answered, "Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apzd5y/how_many_wives/
%
Today, I saw an ad that said “Radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”

Then I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apzcpp/today_i_saw_an_ad_that_said_radio_for_sale_1/
%
What did the penis say to a group of penises?

What's up phallus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apzcov/what_did_the_penis_say_to_a_group_of_penises/
%
Why should you never use double negatives in English?

Because they're just a no-no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apzca3/why_should_you_never_use_double_negatives_in/
%
What do you call narrator's favorite pair of pants?

Long story shorts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apzahf/what_do_you_call_narrators_favorite_pair_of_pants/
%
I've just invented the Penis Watch.

I'd better rush to get it patented before someone else does.
The cock is ticking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apz9c9/ive_just_invented_the_penis_watch/
%
Remember Hurricane Sandy that hit New York a couple years ago? They made a mixed drink after it

It’s pretty much a watered down manhattan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apz45d/remember_hurricane_sandy_that_hit_new_york_a/
%
Punny

*I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apyyxy/punny/
%
One blond to another: which is further away, London or the moon? The other: helloo isn’t it obvious?

You can’t even see London from here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apyqni/one_blond_to_another_which_is_further_away_london/
%
Want to hear a joke about sodium bromide?

Na Bro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apyp6t/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_sodium_bromide/
%
Using your wife!

A man received text from his neighbor ... :
"Sorry sir, I am using your wife...I am using day and night ...I am using when you are not present at home....In fact I am using more than You are using.....
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt...
Hope You will accept my sincere apologies "
... And the man shot his wife.......
Few minutes later he received another text:
Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... WiFi not Wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apyn0e/using_your_wife/
%
S&M after 20 years of marriage

she sleeps while you masturbate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apyk0z/sm_after_20_years_of_marriage/
%
Lorena Bobbitt was driving down the road when she realized her husband’s penis was still in the passenger seat.

Upon realizing this, she tossed it out the window. Two stoners were in the car behind her when the penis hit their windshield and flew over the car.  A few moments passed and then the passenger spoke up and said, “dude, did you see the dick on that bug?!?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apyizl/lorena_bobbitt_was_driving_down_the_road_when_she/
%
How do you seduce a redneck girl?

Tell her you're a relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apyd3u/how_do_you_seduce_a_redneck_girl/
%
A man and a woman get stuck in an elevator and after a long time, it seems there is nobody to come to their rescue.

Desperate, the woman whispers: "Oh when this is the end, please let me really feel like a woman, for a last time."
The man immediately tears off his shirt,............
....
throws it to the ground and yells:
"Wash and iron, and hurry up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apyc2j/a_man_and_a_woman_get_stuck_in_an_elevator_and/
%
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apy8xz/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
%
My girlfriend is angry with me for incorrectly quoting the Princess Bride

Unbelievable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apy4vn/my_girlfriend_is_angry_with_me_for_incorrectly/
%
Three babies in the womb discuss

what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here." The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here." The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer." The others look confused and ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?" He proudly replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apy3gt/three_babies_in_the_womb_discuss/
%
The #MeToo movement wouldn't have worked 20 years ago

Because it would have been pronounced Pound Me Too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apy3f5/the_metoo_movement_wouldnt_have_worked_20_years/
%
How do you spot a blind man in a nudest colony?

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apy2nc/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_in_a_nudest_colony/
%
Say Addicted after every thing I say....

What are you if you have a lot of drugs:
Addicted.  What are you if you have to much alcohol:
Addicted.  What hit you in the face last night:
Addicted.
Say it out loud tho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apy2hi/say_addicted_after_every_thing_i_say/
%
A young man went to get a prostate exam

youngman: "hey doc I never done one of this before."
doctor: "its fine just take your panta off."
youngman: "where should I put my pants?"
doctor: "next to mine is fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apxzfo/a_young_man_went_to_get_a_prostate_exam/
%
A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."
So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"
And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear."
"Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole."
"Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?"
"I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her."
"Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?"
"Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apxxoo/a_little_girl_says_to_her_mother_mummy_when_you/
%
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apxtha/a_group_of_guys_all_turning_40_discussed_where/
%
Amazing Grace

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost on the way and, being a typical man, didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and found the funeral director had gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the grave diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this poor man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before. And as I played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apxrvq/amazing_grace/
%
How do you ask an Austrialian for nudes?

sapnu puas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apxr2a/how_do_you_ask_an_austrialian_for_nudes/
%
Is a comma just a well hung period?

Or is a period just a comma with a micropenis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apxk5k/is_a_comma_just_a_well_hung_period/
%
What game do unvaccinated kids play in swimming pools?

Marco Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apxhds/what_game_do_unvaccinated_kids_play_in_swimming/
%
What do the Starship Enterprise and a piece of toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apxfwq/what_do_the_starship_enterprise_and_a_piece_of/
%
How do you count cows?

With a COW CULATOR
Sorry, I’ll shut up now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apxdqf/how_do_you_count_cows/
%
That poor sloth

A sloth got robbed by three turtles.
When the cops showed up to help him they asked, “what did the turtles look like?”
The sloth said, “I don’t know, it all happened so fast!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apxdda/that_poor_sloth/
%
There are only two types of people

Those whom categorize people into two types of people, and those that do not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apxc2a/there_are_only_two_types_of_people/
%
What do you call a deaf guy with three legs, two noses, four ears, and a unibrow?

It doesn't matter, he isn't gonna hear you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apx8oi/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_guy_with_three_legs_two/
%
Reddit is very environmentally friendly.

All the content is recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apx8e8/reddit_is_very_environmentally_friendly/
%
Why does it take 5 women with PMS to change a light bulb?

BECAUSE IT JUST DOES OK!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apx7zk/why_does_it_take_5_women_with_pms_to_change_a/
%
What's the difference between me and Jenny McCarthy?

When I mislead gullible mothers, their kids don't end up dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apx034/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_jenny_mccarthy/
%
A flight attendant walks up to a passenger and says, "Excuse me, would you like some headphones?"

Passenger smiles and replies, "How'd you know my name was Phones"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apwym6/a_flight_attendant_walks_up_to_a_passenger_and/
%
And the bartender says "We don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into a bar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apwxzn/and_the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time/
%
Why did the pimp call a meeting of his girls when he felt unsure about himself?

He had to gather his thots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apwwfh/why_did_the_pimp_call_a_meeting_of_his_girls_when/
%
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apwt2h/accordion_to_a_recent_survey_inserting_musical/
%
When I die, I have but 2 requests.

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.
The second, I don’t want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apwqok/when_i_die_i_have_but_2_requests/
%
A woman is upstairs taking a shower when she hears a knock at the door...

She rushes downstairs, naked, hoping not to miss who is at the door. She peeks through the window and asks "Who is it?' The man outside says "Blind man." Relieved, she opens the door while still naked. Then the man says " Hi, I'm here to fix the Blinds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apwopm/a_woman_is_upstairs_taking_a_shower_when_she/
%
What’s the most important part of telling a pizza joke?

It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apwodv/whats_the_most_important_part_of_telling_a_pizza/
%
What is a pirate's favorite letter?...

If you think R, you be wrong, matey.
For it be the mighty C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apwjqo/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
Where do fast food places get those square fish for the filet-o-fish sandwiches?

From the asquarium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apwdxo/where_do_fast_food_places_get_those_square_fish/
%
I knew a scientist who was obsessed with figuring out to clone a person. One day he figured it out. He was so excited.

He was beside himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apwb7c/i_knew_a_scientist_who_was_obsessed_with_figuring/
%
A man moves into a nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a
picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.  A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it
makes your nose look short!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apw6ik/a_man_moves_into_a_nudist_colony/
%
I often sit and say to myself,

"I'm so glad that cloning machine worked!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apw4vy/i_often_sit_and_say_to_myself/
%
I had sex with an almond tree once

It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apw2tu/i_had_sex_with_an_almond_tree_once/
%
My secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during lunch when she said,"Remember, you have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apw2it/my_secretary_reminds_me_of_my_wife/
%
My grandfather once told me, “your generation is too reliant on technology!”

“You’re goddamn right”, I said as I remotely hacked into his life support system and disabled it via my smart watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apw1vx/my_grandfather_once_told_me_your_generation_is/
%
What's an unvaccinated child's favorite game to play in the pool?

Marco Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apw1th/whats_an_unvaccinated_childs_favorite_game_to/
%
Today 10 girls asked me to go out!

I was in the girl's bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apveik/today_10_girls_asked_me_to_go_out/
%
My parrot got so fat that it died.

It's a huge weight off my shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apvc1q/my_parrot_got_so_fat_that_it_died/
%
Heard this one on the radio this morning.

An 80 year old man sees a hot young lady in the store. He approaches her and says "I don't mean this to sound like a pickup line, but you look familiar. Are you a doctor?" The young lady says "yes sir I am, I'm a urologist". The old man says "oh yeah I went to you 10 years ago because me and the wife were having issues in the bedroom, I was having trouble standing at attention and then you gave me the miracle pill" "Viagra?" Said the young woman. The old man said yes "it worked amazing I felt 50 years younger and it worked even better than that stuff jessey Ventura uses". The young lady said "how's your wife doing?" The old man said "who?" The young lady said, "your wife, how does she like the new you?" The old man says "I don't know I haven't been home in 10 years".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apvbxk/heard_this_one_on_the_radio_this_morning/
%
How does a guy tell his girl he ejaculated too soon?

Quick cummunication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apvb3u/how_does_a_guy_tell_his_girl_he_ejaculated_too/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apv2q1/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
%
[NSFW] Being from the UK, my wife and I were discussing the withdrawal agreement last night.

We both agreed, she'll have it on her tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apv1uj/nsfw_being_from_the_uk_my_wife_and_i_were/
%
A doctor asks her patient...

"Does it hurt?"
"Yes, a lot," the patient replies.
"Now," says the doctor, "shall we vaccinate that kid or do you want another walloping?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apv05i/a_doctor_asks_her_patient/
%
Yo mamma so poor...

when she went to a funeral, she couldn’t even pay respects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apuz2n/yo_mamma_so_poor/
%
Psychology Professor: “Who here has heard of Pavlov?”

Me: “Rings a bell”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aput2b/psychology_professor_who_here_has_heard_of_pavlov/
%
Where do cats go when they die?

Purrgatory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apur1b/where_do_cats_go_when_they_die/
%
There once was a farmer who loves tractors. He would go into this shop and stare at this beautiful bright red tractor for hours on end.

The manager would come up to him and say “sorry we’re closing” and the farmer would ask for just 10 more minutes to stare at the tractor. The manager would allow it and keep the shop open a little longer to accommodate his obsession.
The next day, the farmer walks in and stares in awe at the bright red tractor. 5 hours he stands and stares, he can’t get enough of it. The manager tells him “we’re closing buddy”. The farmer asks for just 10 more minutes. The manager allows him to stay a little longer and then escorts him out the building.
The next day the farmer comes into the shop again and stares at the tractor. “Not you again” shouts the manager. He strides up to the farmer and says “look pal this is ridiculous, no one can love tractors this much, you have to find a new hobby. It’s pathetic”
The farmer begins to well up and runs out the store straight back to his farmhouse. He says to himself “that manager is right, I need a fresh start” so he packs up all his things into his car, leaving behind his old tractor, his field, his house, everything. “I’m going to make it in the big city” he says.
It’s a long drive away so he stops at a supermarket on the way to get some supplies. Once inside he notices a bit of dust falling from the roof. He just keeps on shopping, eager to start his new life. All of the sudden the roof starts to collapse in and so he runs out the door and dives onto the pavement outside.
He can hear the screams of the people inside, passers on the pavement are trying to help but they can’t see anything with all of the dust every where.
The farmer shouts “STAND BACK” as he takes one massive breath in and sucks all the dust up, exposing those still in the building. Others bravely rush to the rescue and save those trapped in the building. One by one everyone is saved and start applauding the farmer.
“That was incredible!” Says one man “how can you do that!?”
The farmer says “I’m an Ex-tractor fan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apuin3/there_once_was_a_farmer_who_loves_tractors_he/
%
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my dick in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apuf42/whats_the_difference_between_peanut_butter_and_jam/
%
What would it be called if you drove a stolen Tesla?

Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apub28/what_would_it_be_called_if_you_drove_a_stolen/
%
A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apuaus/a_sperm_cell_contains_about_375_mb_of_information/
%
Can’t get autism

If you die of polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apu4om/cant_get_autism/
%
What do you call a lycanthrope with a potty mouth?

A swearwolf!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apu3zw/what_do_you_call_a_lycanthrope_with_a_potty_mouth/
%
A man walks into a bar

He has jumper cables around his neck. The bartender tells him, “you can stay, but don’t try and start anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apu2es/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Teacher asks Johnny : Why are you so late for school?

Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Johnny: The sign that says “School ahead go slow “.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apu1m8/teacher_asks_johnny_why_are_you_so_late_for_school/
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Why does Russia smell like farts?

Because Vladimir's Pootin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apu1de/why_does_russia_smell_like_farts/
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I went to Amsterdam and decided to visit the red light district...

In one of the back alleys I met a man who asked "Looking for a good night"
I replied yes, so he gave me his offer
"My ordinary prostitutes all cost 1cent a go, but my finest are beyond money. They will cost you your arm and leg.
I thought about this and finally said
"If your finest women cost an arm and a leg, I'd a penny for your thots..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aptzgz/i_went_to_amsterdam_and_decided_to_visit_the_red/
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The saudi king was walking in the streets, dressed as a commoner to check up on his subjects

He found a destitute man, whose toes  were coming out of his shoes.
The king was surprised by what he saw, and walked to the man and asked ''why are your toes coming out of your shoes?''
The man replied '' my feet have out grown my shoes, and i don't have any money to buy a new pair.''
The king's eyes teard up, till his beard became soaking wet
And he quickly ran his bone saw and cut the man toes, and told him now they fit the shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aptzaq/the_saudi_king_was_walking_in_the_streets_dressed/
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Me and my girlfriend don't do reverse cowgirl

I was always taught to never turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apty9r/me_and_my_girlfriend_dont_do_reverse_cowgirl/
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A union man is looking for a brothel.

He goes to the first one he sees and asks if it is a union establishment. “No” says the madam. “ Well, how much does the house get and how much does the worker get?”. The madam answers 90/10 and that doesn’t sit well with him.
The man continues down the road all with the same answer.
Then he sees the most beautiful woman he has ever seen and she is standing in front of a brothel. He walks in and asks “is this place union?”. He smiles a big smile when the madam answers “yes sir it is, we do an even 50/50 split with the workers”.
“Great! I would like to hire the woman I saw in front”.
“Oh I’m sorry sir,” says the madam “That’s Amber and she’s new... this here is Big Bertha, and she has seniority”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aptvf8/a_union_man_is_looking_for_a_brothel/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

The fascinating story of an innocent chicken trying to escape the farm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apttho/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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My dad was a magician, but he also was abusive

He liked to turn 12 packs into domestic violence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apttfp/my_dad_was_a_magician_but_he_also_was_abusive/
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What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut, you racist bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aptszx/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_on_the_moon/
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Stalin was the best magician ever.

He could make people disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aptsru/stalin_was_the_best_magician_ever/
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Why don't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're all dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apts2x/why_dont_dinosaurs_clap/
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So a man went up to a rather contemplative looking pimp...

... and asked "A penny for your thots?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aptrkw/so_a_man_went_up_to_a_rather_contemplative/
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I still Remember what my Father said before kicking the Bucket...

"Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aptpal/i_still_remember_what_my_father_said_before/
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Communist jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aptogy/communist_jokes_arent_funny/
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Apple is developing a product—invented by Bart Simpson—that cleans your vehicle.

The iCaroomba

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aptmt0/apple_is_developing_a_productinvented_by_bart/
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If liberals are libtards...

Doesn’t that make republicans just plain ole retards?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aptflf/if_liberals_are_libtards/
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I knew that Achilles would die eventually

After all, time wounds all heels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apte8i/i_knew_that_achilles_would_die_eventually/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are each in their own rooms, who is the hottest?

Whoever forgot to turn on the air conditioner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aptb2y/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_each_in/
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Always remember that you have better taste in things than your spouse

If your spouse has better taste, they wouldn't have chosen you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apt9x0/always_remember_that_you_have_better_taste_in/
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What do Pink Floyd and Paul Walker have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apt9bp/what_do_pink_floyd_and_paul_walker_have_in_common/
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Roses are red, Violets are blue

Violets are violet not fucking blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apt86g/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"
"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.
"Uh... the black ones."
"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."
"Ok then, what about the white ones?"
"I feed them grass, too" the farmer replies.
"Okay...well, what about bathing? What do you bathe them with?" the interviewer asks.
"The black ones or the white ones?"
The interviewer hesitates, but answers "the black ones".
"I bathe them with water," the farmer replies.
"And what about the white ones?" the interviewer asks.
"I bathe them with water, too" says the farmer.
"Okay, I'm confused, what's going on here?" says the interviewer. "You keep distinguishing between the white and black cows. Why do you keep doing that?"
"Oh," says the farmer, "that's because the black cows are mine."
"Oh!" laughs the interviewer with relief. "Then who owns the white ones?"
"Those are mine, too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apt4qg/a_farmer_is_being_interviewed_on_tv_about_his/
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The police are having a math class

On the board it is written 5-7+2=0.
The policemen are very confused so the teacher says "Look, it is very simple. Let me give you an example".
Let's say that there is a bus with 5 people in it. On the next stop 7 people get off the bus. How many people need to get in the bus so the bus will be empty ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apt254/the_police_are_having_a_math_class/
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The vaccine caught up to my son and killed him

It’s weird that had happened right after he got hit by a bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apszs8/the_vaccine_caught_up_to_my_son_and_killed_him/
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If I had a dollar for every repost I see on Reddit, I’d be just like Carlos Mencia...

Making money off of used material.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apsw0a/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_repost_i_see_on/
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Roses are red Violets are blue

Dont give up, someone will love you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apsv8m/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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What is Donald Trump's favorite song?

wonderwall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apstfi/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_song/
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After a long day’s work, I came home and saw my kid ripping off the front and back pages of my dictionary.

Things just went from Bad to Worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apss90/after_a_long_days_work_i_came_home_and_saw_my_kid/
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Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.

I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apsrrl/creating_a_joke_is_one_thing_but_delivering_it_is/
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I asked Linkin Park why don't they perform in India. They said...

Indian it doesn't even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apsrok/i_asked_linkin_park_why_dont_they_perform_in/
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Husband asks wife 'What would you like to do with my body?

Wife 'Identify it'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apsr9t/husband_asks_wife_what_would_you_like_to_do_with/
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why will you never hear a vegan moan in bed ?

she'll never admit she's enjoying a piece of meat...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apspaj/why_will_you_never_hear_a_vegan_moan_in_bed/
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A little girl and her mom are walking through the park

As they reach the middle of the park the little girl looks over and she sees two people off to the side having sex, she turns to her mother and asks "Mommy what are they doing?" Her mother didn't want to explain sex to her at such a young age so thinking off the top of her head she quickly responds "They're Making Cake" The little girl is satisfied with the answer and they drop the subject and quickly head home.
A few days later the mother is in the kitchen having a cup of coffee when her daughter walks up to her with a smile on her face and says "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cake in the living room last night." Shocked the mother says "How do you know that?" the little girl says, "Because I Licked the icing off of the sofa"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apsmxu/a_little_girl_and_her_mom_are_walking_through_the/
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In 2019 I took New Year resolution that i will only tell furniture jokes

And sofa so good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apsgf0/in_2019_i_took_new_year_resolution_that_i_will/
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My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied. ⁠
"No it doesn't." I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apsei5/my_girlfriend_is_fed_up_of_my_constant_wordplay/
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What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apse3b/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_little_person_who_has/
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

But they didn't serve milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apsdf8/a_dyslexic_man_walks_into_a_bra/
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I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aps4sq/ive_started_using_garlic_in_my_magic_act_first_i/
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A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aps2o6/a_mathematician_wanders_back_home_at_3_am_and/
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A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aprx7a/a_blind_man_visits_texas_when_he_gets_to_his/
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I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aprwkl/i_am_giving_up_drinking_alcohol_for_the_month_of/
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I saw two guys wearing matching outfits, and asked them if they were gay.

They arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aprvu7/i_saw_two_guys_wearing_matching_outfits_and_asked/
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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing!?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."
The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aprrww/a_waitress_walks_up_to_one_of_her_tables_in_a_new/
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A vampire walks into a vampure bar with his face covered in blood

His friends start going crazy, asking where he got that much blood from.
Knowing they will not let up, thinking his life was at stake, he leads them through valley, into a forest.
"You see that oak tree over there?" he says.
"Yep" reply the others.
"Well I fucking didn't!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aprrrx/a_vampire_walks_into_a_vampure_bar_with_his_face/
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A man in Africa proposed to me on the first day we met...

It was a bit Sudan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aprqx1/a_man_in_africa_proposed_to_me_on_the_first_day/
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In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aprlod/in_surgery_for_a_heart_attack_a_middleaged_woman/
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What religion is a bear?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aprlb7/what_religion_is_a_bear/
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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aprgjx/three_men_a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an/
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My girlfriend is the star of the local police department’s bomb squad.

When asked what is her secret to such skilled techniques, she responded:
“Plenty of practice every night with a short fuse and explosions that go off early.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aprfru/my_girlfriend_is_the_star_of_the_local_police/
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Little Johnny came down to Breakfast.

His mom says, "What do you want for breakfast Johnny?"
Johnny Replies, "Just give me some fuckin' corn flakes!"
His mom, shocked at first, grabs the broom and begins to beat the shit out of little Johnny. Johnny screams for his life.
All the while Johnny's little brother Timmy witnesses all of this and is staring at Johnny who is now in the fetal position on the floor, sobbing.
His mother, still out of breath, looks up at Timmy.
"Well," says his mother, "What do you want for breakfast?"
Timmy says, "I don't know, but I sure as hell don't want no fuckin' corn flakes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aprewq/little_johnny_came_down_to_breakfast/
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What do my jokes and refugees have in common?

They are not always received well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aprc1x/what_do_my_jokes_and_refugees_have_in_common/
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My girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height.

So tonight I’m going to make it up to her.
I’ve got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show.
When she gets in from work I’m going to order her favorite takeaway which we’ll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.
Then afterwards I’m going to go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aprbls/my_girlfriend_is_very_short_and_she_gets_fed_up/
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I got fired from my job at the bank. An elderly lady came in and asked me to check her balance

One broken hip later and I’m unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apr9at/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_bank_an_elderly/
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Great joke about child abuse!

Let me tell you guys before my dad beats me to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apr2ja/great_joke_about_child_abuse/
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How do you seduce a farm girl?

A tractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apqx43/how_do_you_seduce_a_farm_girl/
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A horse walks into a bar

The bartender says “hey”
The horse replies “yes, that’ll do fine thanks”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apqvp9/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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I don't need pictures of my wife on my phone to remind me of her.

The screen has a massive crack in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apqtrf/i_dont_need_pictures_of_my_wife_on_my_phone_to/
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What's harder than giving birth?

Apparantly remembering the four o's in r/woooosh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apqths/whats_harder_than_giving_birth/
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Did you hear what they’ve named viagra for women?

Niagara

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apqq2g/did_you_hear_what_theyve_named_viagra_for_women/
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You know what really comes in handy?

Masturbation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apqnsx/you_know_what_really_comes_in_handy/
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What do you call somebody who is in love with the moon?

A lunartic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apqlpq/what_do_you_call_somebody_who_is_in_love_with_the/
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Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apqliq/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
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I was offered sex with a 24 year old Instagram model last night. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon scent or vanilla.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apqkzx/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_24_year_old_instagram/
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What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

See you next period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apqhpx/what_did_the_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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A man finds a goldfish and it grants him one wish.

So he tells the goldfish: "I want to be able to urinate vodka". So the goldfish grants his wish, and he quickly goes back to him cabin to see if it's true. He opens his door and yells at his wife "HONEY! Get me a glass!", and so she does. He pisses in his glass and drinks it, and much to his surprise, it was actual vodka. So he tells his wife what happened, and she tells him: "Pour me a cup so I can try!". The man just turns to his wife and says: "No, you'll drink from the bottle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apqgz1/a_man_finds_a_goldfish_and_it_grants_him_one_wish/
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What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?

A hedgehog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apqevs/what_rodent_helps_reduce_your_risk_when_trading/
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Say it out loud

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Smell Mop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apqdkd/say_it_out_loud/
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Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…

You need to let that mango.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apq30o/ladies_if_he_cant_appreciate_your_fruit_jokes/
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90s kids won't get this

Social security

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/appuhl/90s_kids_wont_get_this/
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A doctor asked a man to get his semen.

A doctor asked a man to get his semen for some tests to be performed and gave him a small plastic bottle to fill.
The next day the man went to the doctor and said he couldn't do it. He said that he tried really hard but he just couldn't. Then he applied some lubricant but still failed. Then he went over to his neighbour for help. At first she was reluctant but then accepted to help out. She tried with her hand but couldn't do it. Then she took it in her mouth and tried to twist it but still she wasn't successful in opening the bottle. The doctor then gave him a new bottle and asked him to come the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/appsqy/a_doctor_asked_a_man_to_get_his_semen/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

(Choking sound)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/appskw/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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A magician was driving a car

then he turned into a driveway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/appr5r/a_magician_was_driving_a_car/
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What do kids like to play in a room infested with ants?

The floor is larva.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apppuh/what_do_kids_like_to_play_in_a_room_infested_with/
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An obnoxious jock has been harassing a gay guy in a bar, calling him faggot and whatnot ...

Fabrice (the gay guy) tires of the insults and says he’ll leave if the jock beats him in a challenge. Jock readily agrees as it’s a sports-themed bar game, and Fabrice goes first to show how it’s done.
Fab downs his beer, slams it on the counter and screams “TOUCHDOWN!” Then he drops trou, bends over and lets rip a bumtoot, adding: “Extra point!”
Jock sneers, knowing he can easily outdo Fabrice. He chugs his Bud, slams it down and bellows “TOUCHDOWN! Take that you fag!”
The jock then drops trou and bends down ... and the last thing he heard before all went black was Fab yelling from behind him:
“BLOCK THAT KICK!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/appovk/an_obnoxious_jock_has_been_harassing_a_gay_guy_in/
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There was a meeting for the premature ejaculation committee

I didn’t know what to wear... so I just came in my pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/appo5a/there_was_a_meeting_for_the_premature_ejaculation/
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My mom told me that it’s impossible to shoot fireballs from your hands.

I disagree, I told her shoryuken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/appmfk/my_mom_told_me_that_its_impossible_to_shoot/
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A Blonde hard up for cash kidnaps a kid at the park.

She writes a random note:
“I have your son. If you want to see him again, tonight leave a bag with $500 under a park bench by the pond.
PS. No cops!
- Blonde.”
Realizing that she has no idea where to send it and not wanting to expose herself in the first place, she smartly sends the kid home to deliver her menacing missive.
The following morning she arrives at the designated bench and underneath finds a bag with the money and a note:
“How could you do this to your fellow Blonde???”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/appip3/a_blonde_hard_up_for_cash_kidnaps_a_kid_at_the/
%
A man got home from his walk and his wife said:”Thank god you got home safe it’s raining cats and dogs!!!”

The man:”It’s not raining that bad I didn’t even step in any poodles”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/appcws/a_man_got_home_from_his_walk_and_his_wife/
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What was Hitler’s favorite art medium?

Charcoal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/app9i4/what_was_hitlers_favorite_art_medium/
%
A Hippo wants to join the local hippo gang

While speaking with the gang leader he's told in order to join the gang he must have respect for his brothers and impeccable manners.
He nods his head and let's the leader know he was raised in a noble, high class family. These things came easy to him.
The hippo struts out of the leaders room, holding his head high proud to be a new gang member. He greets the gangsters outside calling them his brothers, only to be called nasty names and laughed at by them.
"Damn Hippocrips!", yells the hippo as he runs away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/app9dq/a_hippo_wants_to_join_the_local_hippo_gang/
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Have you heard of the band 1023 megabytes?

Probably not they haven’t had a gig yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/app7wz/have_you_heard_of_the_band_1023_megabytes/
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Have you ever heard of the hero, Bophades?

You see, Bophades had a story very similar to that of Achilles. Like Achilles, he was bathed in the River Styx as a child. The Styx, like Achilles gave Bophades near invulnerability. However, unlike Achilles, who was vulnerable in the heel, Bophades was vulnerable in the groin. You know how you've heard of Achilles' heel? Well now you've got to see Bophades' nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/app1ld/have_you_ever_heard_of_the_hero_bophades/
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms

Ones a Goodyear, the other’s a GREAT year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apowff/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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An UK businessman is in Japan for an important deal

Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.
The next day, he strikes the deal, and is invited to play golf with his Japanese associates. On the hardest hole of the course, one Japanese businessman manages to score an impressive hole-in-one. His colleagues start cheering him in Japanese, and the man, not wanting to be left out, starts chanting "Soko janai! Soko janai!".
Suddenly everyone goes quiet, and one of them turns to him and says "No sir, I'm sure that's the right hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apot0a/an_uk_businessman_is_in_japan_for_an_important/
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A guy walked into a bar and said, “Can I have a pint of less, please.”

“Less?” said the bartender. “What’s that?”
“I don’t know either,” said the guy, “but my doctor told me to drink less

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aposry/a_guy_walked_into_a_bar_and_said_can_i_have_a/
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A weasel walks into a bar

The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apoqvu/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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My username is not safe for work.

u/safeforwork was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apopid/my_username_is_not_safe_for_work/
%
Why are frogs good baseball players?

Because they're good at catching flies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apompz/why_are_frogs_good_baseball_players/
%
A woman brings her baby to the pediatrician who says "wow...your baby is beautiful". She tells him thanks and that he must say that to all moms who bring in their babies. He says to her "oh no I don't"..........

......she asks, what do you do if the baby is ugly? He says "I look at the baby and then I look at the mom and I say your baby looks just like you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apom58/a_woman_brings_her_baby_to_the_pediatrician_who/
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Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apom44/neighbour_knocked_on_my_door_at_230_in_the/
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Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apol65/whenever_im_at_the_therapists_waiting_room_i/
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A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman to remind her not to smoke around the pumps due to obvious reasons.
She immediately goes ballistic on him. Screaming and shouting to mind his own business and calling him several names. He tried to calm her but that only seemed to worsen the situation. She then pulls the nozzle from her car and starts spraying gasoline everywhere primarily at the cop, luckily he was too far away. Mind you this lady still had her cigarette in her hand.
Somehow she drenched her arm with gasoline and sure enough she caught fire. She was blazing. The screams were unlike anything the cop has heard in his life. She starts running and flailing her arms around. In a split second he decided to draw his weapon and fire. The screaming stopped and she fell to the ground, still burning. From there he called it in, seriously doubting his decision.
His fellow officers detained him for questioning. Later that night he was pulled into the interrogation room. This is when it starts to hit him. "I fucked up". They were relentless, he's never felt so terrible in his life. The cops CO comes into the room, he asked him straight up "why did you shoot her" he replied with "sir I had to, she was dangerous" "how?" He replied.
The cop stared him straight in the eyes, tears streaming down his face "Because she was waving her firearms around, sir."
So here he is. Waiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apojjp/a_cop_was_patrolling_his_regular_route/
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Beers are like children

I can nurse the first two,  then I just start throwing them down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apoeqf/beers_are_like_children/
%
A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books on Paranoia.

The librarian whispers "They're right behind you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apoenz/a_woman_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_if_they/
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In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- “Susan?”
- “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!”
- “Very good. What about you, Johnny?”
- “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apodjx/in_an_elementary_school_english_class_kids_are/
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(Get Ready to be Blown Away) What Do You Call A Hospital Full Of Sick Doctors?

**A Staff Infection** *massive applause*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apoce1/get_ready_to_be_blown_away_what_do_you_call_a/
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I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger

then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apoc6a/i_was_wondering_why_the_ball_was_getting_bigger/
%
When does a car stop being a car?

When it turns into a driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apobgr/when_does_a_car_stop_being_a_car/
%
Why did the bank teller push the old lady over?

Because she asked to check her balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apobb3/why_did_the_bank_teller_push_the_old_lady_over/
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What’s my plan for karma? Piss off the Australians.

Their downvotes turn into upvotes here. The ultimate switch-a-roo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apoa8w/whats_my_plan_for_karma_piss_off_the_australians/
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What’s Darth Vader’s stage name when he plays his electric piano?

The synth lord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apo9q0/whats_darth_vaders_stage_name_when_he_plays_his/
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A guy walks into a proctologist’s office with a piece of lettuce poking out of his ass.

The doc says “What do we have here?”
The guy replies “That’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apo9ph/a_guy_walks_into_a_proctologists_office_with_a/
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I went to this really cool restaurant where they gave out free bandanas with the meals

My girlfriend didn't like it though. She kept saying stuff like, "You're embarrassing me" and  "Please take that napkin off your head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apo8nq/i_went_to_this_really_cool_restaurant_where_they/
%
A recently-hired Security Guard at a museum was standing guard in front of a Tyrannosaurus Rex's display...

A visitor to the museum asked the Guard, "How old is that skeleton?"
The Guard replied, "That T-Rex is 60 million years, and 37 days old."
"Wow," replied the visitor.  "How do they know the age to such a precise amount?"
"Well, when I started here 37 days ago, they told me it was 60 million years old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apo8ir/a_recentlyhired_security_guard_at_a_museum_was/
%
I learned a lot today

it means a large number or amount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apo42s/i_learned_a_lot_today/
%
A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.
"Don't you mean Polio?"
"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."
Not wanting to ruin the mood the girlfriend pulled down his pants and revealed a severely discolored pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles " the man replied.
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
Again, not wanting to ruin the mood, she continued and pulled down his boxers before starting to laugh. Before the man could ask what was wrong the woman wiped a tear from her eye and said, "Wait, let me guess.....Smallcox?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apo366/a_man_and_his_girlfriend_are_getting_undressed/
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A boy hears from his friend....

...that every adult has a secret. So the boy goes to his dad and says, "I know your secret!" His dad gives him ten dollars and says "don't tell your mother." So the boy goes to his mom and says "I know your secret!" His mother's eyes widen and she gives him twenty dollars. "Don't tell your father, please". The boy then runs outside to greet the mailman and says "I know your secret!" The mailman opens his arms wide and says, "this joke is reposted like 30 times a day, just shut up with it already".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apo1qt/a_boy_hears_from_his_friend/
%
What is a tacks favorite song?

The hokey-pokey!
From my 7 year old, with love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apnrlw/what_is_a_tacks_favorite_song/
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A plane crashes on an island and three men survive...

After wandering the island for a day, they come across a group of natives. Luckily, one of the natives could speak their language, and offers the survivors a challenge.
"First, search our land and retrieve ten fruit. Return to my hut by sunset tomorrow with the fruit, and be prepared for the second task. Upon completing this rite of passage, we will give you a boat and supplies to leave our island and return to your mainland. But upon failure, you will be beheaded."
The survivors agree that they must accept their rite of passage.
The first man, Chris, remembered seeing some berries by a river, and retrieved his fruit.
The second man, Mark, remembered that he had a box of raisins on the flight. After scouring the wreckage, he found his luggage, and retrieved his fruit.
The third man, Jerry, had the hardest time finding any fruit. As the sun was lowering on the next day, he decided to risk it and steal some fruit from the villagers.
Chris and Mark arrived to the native's hut together with their fruit.
"Now that you have gathered your fruit, you are ready for the second task: You must silently insert all ten of your ten fruit up your butt. If you make any noise, or cannot complete the task, than you will be beheaded."
Anxious to be over with it, Chris went first. On the 7th berry, he let out a grunt, and the villagers beheaded him.
After collecting himself, Mark starts with his raisins. Mark was handling this with a breeze, until on his 9th raisin, he bursts out laughing. He is beheaded as well.
Chris finds Mark at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, and asks him: "How the heck did you fail? You could have fit the whole box up there and still made it home safely!"
Mark replied, still giggling. "I... I couldn't help myself. Jerry was walking back with 10 pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apnr04/a_plane_crashes_on_an_island_and_three_men_survive/
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Bread is like the sun.

It rises in the Yeast and sets in the Waist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apnqep/bread_is_like_the_sun/
%
Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apnp4a/girlfriend_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the_hood/
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My girlfriend doesn’t know her way around the kitchen...

The other day she comes in the room and says “you’re looking a little sick. Is there anything I can get you?”
I said “yes, I’d love some ice water.”
She comes back 3 minutes later, and hands me an onion.
I asked “what the hell is this?”
She said “cut that up. It will make your eyes water.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apnkvs/my_girlfriend_doesnt_know_her_way_around_the/
%
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar...

*It was tense*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apnk8s/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
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Did you hear that the guy that wrote Danger Zone had his identity stolen online?

They got all his Kenny logins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apnjln/did_you_hear_that_the_guy_that_wrote_danger_zone/
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I just started my new job at the sex shop

A customer came in and was looking for a dildo.  I told them
“Okay, we have white dildos for $10 and big black dildos for $20.”
She says “Okay, I’ll take a white dildo”
so I packaged it all up and made the sale.
Later on another customer comes in also looking for dildos I tell her
“Okay, we have white dildos for $10 and big black dildos for $20”
She says
“Okay, I’ll take a big black dildo please”
So I package it up and make another sale
Shortly afterwards another customer comes in she’s also looking for a dildo.
“Okay, we have white dildos for $10 and big black dildos for $20”
She says “how much for the silver one?”  I reply “Oh the silver one?  The silver one cost $50”
She decides to buy it and I package it up making yet another sale.  Later on my boss walks in asking how the day is going.
“Good!  I sold one white dildo for $10, a big black dildo for $20 and my thermos for $50!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apnivs/i_just_started_my_new_job_at_the_sex_shop/
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Did you hear about the guy who robbed the furniture store?

He got the chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apnhrm/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_robbed_the/
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A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.
In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.
"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on the tire swing, beat your chest, that sort of thing. Put on a show".
Well the young man puts on the gorilla suit and gets started. He's timid at first but soon discovers he's got a knack for it. The tire swing is actually kind of fun. He gets higher and higher, and a crowd gathers to marvel at this new healthy gorilla.
Higher and higher he goes to the thrill of the crowd, until SNAP! The rope breaks and the young man gets launched right into the lion's enclosure.
Hurt and terrified he starts to shout "Help! Help!"
"Shut up you idiot," the lion says, "you'll get us all fired".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apnhep/a_small_local_zoo_is_losing_business_because_it/
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A guy comes home from work ...

A guy comes home from work and sees his wife on the couch crying. He quickly asks her what’s wrong?
She says all her friends make fun of her because here boobs are so small.
The husband took a second to think and said I have an idea.
The wife said what is it? I’ll do anything.
The husband responded with “take toilet paper and wrap it around your hand and rub it between your breasts twice a day for 6 months.
The wife looked puzzled with disbelief and said “that’s not gonna work!”
The husband responded with “ trust me, just look at what it did for your ass!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apn6si/a_guy_comes_home_from_work/
%
What is worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apn5zo/what_is_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a good year, the other is a great year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apn5pn/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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What is a polar bears favourite thing to eat?

Burrrr - Gurrrrs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apn5me/what_is_a_polar_bears_favourite_thing_to_eat/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apn4ep/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
Why did the computer got cold?

Because it forgot to close *Windows*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apn1e9/why_did_the_computer_got_cold/
%
Common sense is like dial-up internet access

It hasn’t been used in years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apmzha/common_sense_is_like_dialup_internet_access/
%
What do you call an illegal immigrant fighting a rapist?

Alien Vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apmufm/what_do_you_call_an_illegal_immigrant_fighting_a/
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Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.

Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green.
Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping thrice and coming to rest on top of the water. Jesus walks out onto the water and chips onto the green.
The third gentlemen hooks the everliving shit out of the ball. It goes into the road, gets hit by a car, ricochets across the fairway to the lake, is gobbled up by a frog, who is snatched by a stork. As the stork flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball, which rolls into the cup.
Moses turns to Jesus and says:  “I hate playing with your Dad.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apmr1h/jesus_and_moses_are_golfing_in_a_threesome/
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An old New Yorker and his wife were at the therapist

The wife said “In the fifty years I’ve known him, Morty hasn’t had a good word to say about anything.  All he does is complain.”
The therapist looks at Morty and asks “what do you think about that?”
“I think it’s terrible, and ridiculous, and absurd, and I don’t even know why we’re here in this meshuganah office,” Morty said.
“See,” his wife said, “nothing but complaints. It’s driving me crazy!”
“Ok,” said the therapist, here’s what I want you to do.  Morty, do you like food?”
“Some of it.”
“Ok, I want you to name one restaurant where you’ve never had a bad meal.  Can you do that?”
“Sure,” Morty said, “Eisenhower’s Deli.”
“Great!  What makes the food there so good?”
“I wouldn’t know, I ordered and it never arrived!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apmpe7/an_old_new_yorker_and_his_wife_were_at_the/
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After incorrectly inserting my pin 3 times, I heard the unmistakable pained groans of my wife from behind me.

This voodoo doll is fucking amazing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apmg0n/after_incorrectly_inserting_my_pin_3_times_i/
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What does a webpage do after a stressful day?

Refresh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apmd17/what_does_a_webpage_do_after_a_stressful_day/
%
A larger-than-life character, Big Tony, walks into a bar.

Big Tony orders a drink. He bellows out, "when Big Tony drinks, everybody drinks!" The patrons of the bar all rush to get served their favorite tipple.
Then he orders some food. "When Big Tony eats, everybody eats!" Suddenly the kitchen is overwhelmed.
He places a twenty on the bar, and as he walks out, he bellows "When Big Tony pays, everybody pays!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apmciz/a_largerthanlife_character_big_tony_walks_into_a/
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Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!

Einstein’s Dad: Damn son, it’s about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apm9gb/einstein_dad_my_paper_on_the_theory_of_relativity/
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I get the same thing every time I eat at McDonald's...

Diarrhea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apm0jq/i_get_the_same_thing_every_time_i_eat_at_mcdonalds/
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How did number 10 die

It was in the middle of 9 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aplzok/how_did_number_10_die/
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I recently had a wakeup call when I had a priest, then a rabbi, then a minister all tell me I had a drinking problem.

Boy, I'm glad they all walked into that bar when they did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aplxf5/i_recently_had_a_wakeup_call_when_i_had_a_priest/
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Black jokes and Mexican jokes are all the same.

If you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apls8k/black_jokes_and_mexican_jokes_are_all_the_same/
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Dick's Sporting Goods came out against circumcision this past weekend

Changing their official slogan to Dicks Sporting Hoods.
Edit* grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aplq06/dicks_sporting_goods_came_out_against/
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I hate it when they wear condoms in porn. What's the point?

Men can't get each other pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aplnfi/i_hate_it_when_they_wear_condoms_in_porn_whats/
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Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apli0e/why_is_girlfriend_one_word_but_best_friend_is_two/
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Beans for lunch

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aplhw0/beans_for_lunch/
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My self esteem is the size of my penis

I’m a girl
(Sorry if this joke was used somewhere before, I’m fairly new to Reddit)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aplhec/my_self_esteem_is_the_size_of_my_penis/
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Whenever asked about my culinary skills I always say I'm great at all kinds of cooking

Overcooking, undercooking...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aplfwv/whenever_asked_about_my_culinary_skills_i_always/
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What do you call a shrimp with no eyes?

Shrmp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aplcf3/what_do_you_call_a_shrimp_with_no_eyes/
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I have hundreds of jokes about cash machines

I just can’t think of one atm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apl7n9/i_have_hundreds_of_jokes_about_cash_machines/
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The interview

Interviewer: What do you make at your current job?
Me: Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apl5z9/the_interview/
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Three formerly wealthy friends, who all had the same name, found a Genie's lamp...

So they decided that when they released the genie each of them would get one wish. So they rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out and said, "hello, I will grant you three wishes." The men explained that they were going to spilt the wishes, and the genie agreed. The first man wished to be the only man on an island full of beautiful women, and poof he was gone. The next man wished to be the most powerful world leader, and poof he was gone. The last man, just wanted something simple and asked for his Riches to be returned. And poof both of his friends came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apkzfj/three_formerly_wealthy_friends_who_all_had_the/
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A doctor approaches his patient

Doctor: I have bad new and good news. What do you want to hear first?
Patient: Good news please!
Doctor: The good news is that we've named a disease after you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apkxbq/a_doctor_approaches_his_patient/
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I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : “hardback?”
I said: “yeah and little heads”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apkuiu/i_went_into_a_book_store_today_and_asked_if_they/
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"Give me an example of when you've gone the extra mile for someone?" asked the job interviewer.

"Well," I said. "One time a prostitute refused to walk down the block to my car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apkt7j/give_me_an_example_of_when_youve_gone_the_extra/
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What does the white supremacist pirate say?

Well I’m not gonna repeat it but it ends with a hard Arrrr!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apkt71/what_does_the_white_supremacist_pirate_say/
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What body part varies in size, smells, and gets sore if you blow it too much?

A nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apkrgf/what_body_part_varies_in_size_smells_and_gets/
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You might think that I’m smart because I have an A in math

But I’m pretty dumb because I have a D in your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apkr9q/you_might_think_that_im_smart_because_i_have_an_a/
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A young Naval Officer has just boarded a ship that he will serve on for the next year.

He meets with the captain who gives him a tour, and tells him the way things are done on this ship. After the tour the young officer asks his captain “Sir we’re going to be on this boat for the next year, how do you guys last that long without the company of a woman?”. The captain ushers the young officer to the stern of the ship where there is a barrel with a small hole cut in it. The captain says “ I guarantee that this barrel is far better than any woman you will ever be with, I’ll leave you alone for fifteen minutes, so you can see for yourself”. The young officer is skeptical, but he tries it out, and realizes the captain was right, it was far better than any woman he’d ever been with. He proceeds to use the barrel every day for the next four days. On the fifth day he tries to use it, and it no longer works. He goes and tells the captain, who proceeds to look through his calendar, and responds “Ah, that’s because today is your day in the barrel”.
I hope this hasn’t been told here before, I heard it over the summer at work, and it’s one of my favourites. Apologies if it’s a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apkou9/a_young_naval_officer_has_just_boarded_a_ship/
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NSFW: Guy walks into a bar and sees a monkey by the barkeep

"Hey keep I'll have what's on tap, and what's with the monkey"
"Watch this." The bartender then holds up one finger and the monkey jumps in to action. He gets a mug, fills it with the tap beer and gives it to the man.
"Holy cow" the man says, "That's amazing does he do any other tricks?"
The bartender looks at the man and says "Well he has one more trick, can I trust you?"
The man answers "Of course you can"
So the bartender reaches underneath the counter and grabs a two by four. He raises it like a bat and cracks the monkey upside the head. Dazed, the monkey stumbles around for a bit, but fumbles his way to the bartenders zipper. He takes out the bartender's dick and starts blowing him.
The man is taken aback but reluctantly admits that it is a very impressive trick.
The bartender asks "Would you like to give it a try?"
The man thinks for a minute, takes a big drink of his beer and says "Yeah, I'll give it a go..... Just don't hit me so hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apkfu1/nsfw_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_monkey_by/
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A guy is at the beach walking down and is trying to pick up girls but isn’t having any luck.

So he asks the lifeguard for advice. Lifeguard says “go to the swim shop and buy a speedo 2 sizes too small, then go to the store and buy a potato and put it in there, works every time” so the guy does so and starts strutting his stuff down the beach and he is getting looks from EVERYONE, but they’re disgusted any time he approaches. He goes back to the lifeguard and says “dude what the hell everyone’s laughing at me” and the lifeguard laughs and says “bro you’re supposed to put the potato in the front”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apkdwd/a_guy_is_at_the_beach_walking_down_and_is_trying/
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Where do rocks go when they die?

The sedimentary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apkcrc/where_do_rocks_go_when_they_die/
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The people of Dubai don't get Flintstone's humor.

But the people of Abu Dabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apk45x/the_people_of_dubai_dont_get_flintstones_humor/
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I went to the doctor yesterday and told him I was constipated.

He said, “Well no shit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apjqzf/i_went_to_the_doctor_yesterday_and_told_him_i_was/
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What do you call it when your wife dies and you get a boner?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apjqsu/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_wife_dies_and_you/
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My buddy told me he was too afraid to grow apples.

I was like, “bro, grow a pear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apjqej/my_buddy_told_me_he_was_too_afraid_to_grow_apples/
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What do you call it when two ladders fall down?

Co-ladder-al damage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apjkko/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_ladders_fall_down/
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The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."
"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.
"You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.
"You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones.
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared.
"Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.
"She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.
"Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
"You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked.
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."
"Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apjic0/the_jones_didnt_have_any_children_and_decided_to/
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Anti-vaxxers make me SICK!

Or they would, if my parents were imbeciles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apjfoq/antivaxxers_make_me_sick/
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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apjddz/a_man_walks_out_to_the_street_and_catches_a_taxi/
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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out.
She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apjco5/a_woman_joins_a_country_club_and_when_she_hears/
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“Jesus is Watching”

A famous burglar breaks into a house that he knows has a lot of money hidden in a safe. He also knows that the owner, an old man, is away for the weekend. Once he’s inside, he searches all the rooms on the lower floor. He finds nothing. As he walks upstairs to continue to search for the old man’s safe he hears a shrill voice.
“Jesus is watching.”
The burglar freaks out. He searches the bottom floor two more times, this time much more thoroughly and still finds nothing. He then goes upstairs and begins to search the rooms up there.  Before he gets to the last room, the bedroom of the old man, he hears the same voice.
“Jesus is watching.”
The burglar looks around again, and then warily steps into the room of the old man, certain there has to be someone in there. He shines his flashlight across the room slowly until the light lands on a medium sized bird cage. Inside the cage is a colorful parrot.
“Jesus is watching.”
The burglar chuckles to himself. All this time he was scared of nothing but a bird. Playfully he says:
“Hello there. Are you talking to me?”
The bird quickly squawks back:
“Yes, I am.”
The burglar, more relaxed, decides to mess around more:
“What’s your name?”
“Ishmael.”
The burglar laughs.
“What kind of idiot names his bird Ishmael?”
“The same kind of idiot who names his Rottweiler Jesus.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apjas4/jesus_is_watching/
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If I saw my son playing with a Barbie I'd slap it out of his hands.

Because they are manufactured in China and I can't support products that are offshoring labor to a country with numerous human rights violations.  Not to mention, that's super gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apj92y/if_i_saw_my_son_playing_with_a_barbie_id_slap_it/
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I like my waiters like I like my cows.

Tipped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apj88p/i_like_my_waiters_like_i_like_my_cows/
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*NSFW* A successful business man flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apj231/nsfw_a_successful_business_man_flew_to_las_vegas/
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Two kinda oldish guys visit a casino...

And they arrive at the Roulette table. "Hey, what number should we bet on?" "I dunno. How often do you have sex in a week?" "12 times." "AWESOME! Me too! Let's bet on 12!".
The ball spins around and around and finally settles on the Zero.
Moral: Be honest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apizhc/two_kinda_oldish_guys_visit_a_casino/
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How do you separate the men from the boys at the Catholic school?

with a crowbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apiytk/how_do_you_separate_the_men_from_the_boys_at_the/
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Today I asked my doctor if she was willing to complete my ear surgery.

I'm excited to hear from her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apivly/today_i_asked_my_doctor_if_she_was_willing_to/
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Just bought a Jehovah Witness themed advent calendar,

behind every door someone tells you to fuck off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apiv1q/just_bought_a_jehovah_witness_themed_advent/
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What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apiojk/what_sits_at_the_bottom_of_the_sea_and_twitches/
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How is American beer like having sex in a canoe?

They’re both fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apimnl/how_is_american_beer_like_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
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A pilot is on the microphone before the flight begins...

“Well hello there folks, today is a great day to fly! Perfect weather, clear skies. It should take us an hour to get to Miami. Miami has amazing weather this....”
After concluding his long speech, he lays back in his chair, forgetting to turn off the mic. He starts talking with his co pilot.
“Man, today is a shitty day. You know what I need on a day like this?”
“What?”
“A coffee and a blowjob.”
The whole plane hears this, and a few passengers start giggling. A female flight attendant starts moving up the aisle to tell the pilot his mic is on.
A passenger yells, “Hey lady! You forgot the coffee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apiloh/a_pilot_is_on_the_microphone_before_the_flight/
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New Scam - Long but worth the read.

Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into the local mall for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience:
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping bags into the trunk. They both start cleaning your windscreen; their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip; they'll say No and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case K-Mart. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they  start undressing until both are completely naked.
Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Again it happened in November on the 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. K Mart has cheap wallets on sale for $1.99 each but Target wallets are $1.75 and look better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apiikk/new_scam_long_but_worth_the_read/
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My friend's dog has been trained to sniff drugs.

It's brilliant, he can even roll up his own $20 bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apiibd/my_friends_dog_has_been_trained_to_sniff_drugs/
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I asked my wife how many kids she wants and she said she wanted one of each gender

Not sure how were gonna raise 57 kids...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apiccm/i_asked_my_wife_how_many_kids_she_wants_and_she/
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My family issues

So I've always had a rocky relationship with my brother.  But to be fair he was always a little unusual.  When he was 16 he shaved his head and got tattoos all over his face.  When he was 18, he legally changed his name to Radio. He got some plastic surgery done and filed his teeth and became a Krishna. Then he called me out of the blue and told me he was a woman, and wanted to be referred to as "she" from now on.
I tried to take all this in stride, because he/she was still family and I loved her. But to be honest, it was difficult.
Last month I called her and invited her to my birthday party, hoping to make peace. And she showed up! And I was so proud to introduce her to all my friends. With nothing but love and pride in my voice, I announced, "everyone, this is my trans sister, Radio!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apibu1/my_family_issues/
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What is Justin Timberlake's favorite body of water?

Crimea River

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apianr/what_is_justin_timberlakes_favorite_body_of_water/
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Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke

He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aphxft/two_men_were_out_fishing_when_one_decides_to_have/
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It is a proven Scientific fact, that things expand when under immense heat...

I'm not fat, I'm really hot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aphx9w/it_is_a_proven_scientific_fact_that_things_expand/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

You hit an ithberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aphu9m/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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France and Italy are at war. Who wins?

No one. France surrenders and Italy changes sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aphtna/france_and_italy_are_at_war_who_wins/
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Whats the difference between an Alkida Base and a Pakistani School?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aphpeb/whats_the_difference_between_an_alkida_base_and_a/
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Whenever you get caught stupiding in public just smile, laugh,

And say you work for Buzzfeed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aphlx3/whenever_you_get_caught_stupiding_in_public_just/
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I hate monopoly! My dad always beats me!

Its probably because I always win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aphlgb/i_hate_monopoly_my_dad_always_beats_me/
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So my girlfriend told me to stop singing ‘I’m a believer’ by Smash mouth, at first I thought she was joking...

...but then I saw her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aphl5u/so_my_girlfriend_told_me_to_stop_singing_im_a/
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What is the gender of the small council in westeros

Mostly male, but occasionally it Varys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aphkv5/what_is_the_gender_of_the_small_council_in/
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What do you name an Irish baby that bounces when you throw it at a wall?

Rick O’Shea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aphhjk/what_do_you_name_an_irish_baby_that_bounces_when/
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A German father and his son walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says to the father: "Well, I'm definitely not going to serve your Kind in here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aphhdp/a_german_father_and_his_son_walk_into_a_bar/
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An unemployed engineer opens a clinic

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aph9bd/an_unemployed_engineer_opens_a_clinic/
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My grandfather had the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aph8bk/my_grandfather_had_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

Ones a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aph886/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aph7m0/whats_the_worst_part_about_eating_a_vegetable/
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What's the difference between 5 guys and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aph77w/whats_the_difference_between_5_guys_and_a_joke/
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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”
She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and piss into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”
The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”
The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his dick through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”
“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”
The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aph6vd/a_cop_sees_an_old_woman_carrying_two_large_sacks/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aph3h5/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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If you give a man a plane ticket, he’ll fly for a day.

If you push a man out if a plane, he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aph34d/if_you_give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_hell_fly_for_a/
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I'm a slut for MILFs with vehicles.

Guess I'm a car ma whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aph1kq/im_a_slut_for_milfs_with_vehicles/
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I was going to post a time travel joke..

But someone reposted it yesterday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apgzjk/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_travel_joke/
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My friend told me that if he held a stone against my arm for 5 seconds, when he released it the dent would stay there for ever. It didn't work,

I'm not impressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apgwsk/my_friend_told_me_that_if_he_held_a_stone_against/
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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apgphq/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus/
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A mortician was working late one night.

He was examining the body of a Mr.  Schwartz,  about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, put it on ice, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My  God!' the wife exclaimed,  'Schwartz is dead!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apgoqz/a_mortician_was_working_late_one_night/
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So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to tell his story as a crowd of patrons gathers around him to hear the incredible  story... the man begins to say "well I was walking along this beach in the Bahamas and doing my hobby of metal detecting trying to find anything of value or interest and all of a sudden my metal detector went haywire and shot of the highest reading possible, so I began to dig with my small shovel on the spot where it was detected. After digging about 3 feet down I still found nothing but my metal detector was still getting a maximum reading, so I continued to dig and after another 2 feet or so I found what looked to be an old golden gravey boat. I started to rub the sand and crud off it to see the golden exterior better and all of a sudden a plume of blue smoke started to emerge from the item and a mystical looking man appeared in front of me and said "You have awakened me from a thousand year slumber and returned me to the physical realm, for that i will grant you 3 wishes" to my disbelief i found what i could only surmise as a genie. To test his statement of the 3 wishes I asked for enough money to buy anything of my heart's content, the mystical man snapped his figures and said "done" I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and recieved a notification from my banking app that funds were deposited in the amount of $3,612,904,227.00 after checking and calling my bank to see if this was real or not, they confirmed the money was in my account and was mine to spend. To my amazement the mystical man seemed to have actual powers. So I thought long and hard as to what my second wish would be and requested that I want to meet my soul mate and the love of my life that will love me for me and never leave my side. And in the distance down the beach a woman starts to approach me and knew my name and told me that she would be mine forever if I'd have her" After taking a drink from his glass of free liquor and asking for another drink, the bartender abliged and asks "well how the hell did you get a lemon for a head?" The man drinks down his final drink stands up and says "For my third wish I wished for a lemon for a head" and walks out of the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apgond/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_has_a_lemon_for_a/
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Why can’t bikes stand on their own?

Because they are two-tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apgnlu/why_cant_bikes_stand_on_their_own/
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A musical group of 5 boys rented an apartment to practice for a concert.

As they start to practice an old man that lived in the floor below walks up and knocks on the door. He asks for the boys to keep it down because he is an old man he cant stand all the noise. The boys say ‘today practice tomorrow concert but we will try and keep it down’ . An hour later they go at it full power again disturbing the whole building and the old man slowly walks up to their place and asks them one more time to keep it down. The boys reply ‘sorry old man today practice tomorrow concert’ but they decide it was enough for the day.
After the concert was finished and they go to the apartment to pick up their stuff, one of the boys says ‘hey lets make some noise just to fuck with that old man’. So they agree and start making noise and banging their drums. They do this for two hours and they notice the old man wasn’t coming up to stop them so they get worried. Maybe he died or something. So they get down they find his door open and just decide to walk in only to find the old man in his living room masturbating. The boys, laughing, ask him what is he doing. The grandpa says ‘today practice tomorrow I fuck all your mothers’.
Sorry for bad english.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apgmpa/a_musical_group_of_5_boys_rented_an_apartment_to/
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My boss is very powerful. He makes me work overtime

`power = work / time`
Physics anyone?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apgiq7/my_boss_is_very_powerful_he_makes_me_work_overtime/
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I'm pretty sure I ended up gay because i couldn't play piano.

Yeah, I really sucked on the organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apgidy/im_pretty_sure_i_ended_up_gay_because_i_couldnt/
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I tried to talk to my antivaxx best friend

Unfortunately the ouija board wasn't working

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apgdo3/i_tried_to_talk_to_my_antivaxx_best_friend/
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"Sorry, we don't serve your kind around these parts" says the bartender.

A tachyon walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apgb0n/sorry_we_dont_serve_your_kind_around_these_parts/
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"Yo mama so stupid that she was yelling into a mailbox"

We ask her what's she doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apg92b/yo_mama_so_stupid_that_she_was_yelling_into_a/
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I had a dream that I was sleeping.

You can imagine my disappointment when I woke up to find it wasn’t real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apg7kk/i_had_a_dream_that_i_was_sleeping/
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What's a North Korean's Favourite Card Game?

Kim Jong Uno

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apg5e1/whats_a_north_koreans_favourite_card_game/
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Doctor, what's wrong with me?

"You have a case of onomatopoeia"
"What's that?"
"Exacly what it sounds like"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apg50b/doctor_whats_wrong_with_me/
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How can you tell a female ant from a male ant?

If you put the ant in a glass of water and it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apg43o/how_can_you_tell_a_female_ant_from_a_male_ant/
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In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apfz6y/in_germany_a_general_noticed_one_of_his_soldiers/
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Are you a haunted house?

Because I'm gonna scream when I come inside you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apfu0l/are_you_a_haunted_house/
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A young banker goes to jail for the first time for fraud... NSFW

He is immediately confronted by a large tattooed inmate as he enters the yard, who grabs him and says, “You wait til shower time, sweetheart. You’re going to get it good from me.”
The banker is trembling; his hands shake when he’s called out of his cell to lunch, knowing that after eating they’re hitting the showers.
He hardly touches his food when the jailer shouts, “Alright fellas, shower time!’
They shuffle along to the showers where, sure enough, the tattooed prisoner is waiting for him.  “Alright,” he says, “since it’s your first day and all, I’ll give you a choice. You gonna take it with spit, or without spit?”
The banker thinks for a second and comes to the conclusion that a bit of lubrication would help things a bit more than without.
“With spit, please.”
The tattooed guy turns to the bald fat fella next to him: “Oi Spit, this guy wants a threesome.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apftt1/a_young_banker_goes_to_jail_for_the_first_time/
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A man woke up in hospital after a serious accident!

He shouted, “doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apfppb/a_man_woke_up_in_hospital_after_a_serious_accident/
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I want to leave this world like I came into it

Naked, screaming and covered in somebody else's blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apfoas/i_want_to_leave_this_world_like_i_came_into_it/
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I said hello to a feminist today,

My trial starts next Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apfl6x/i_said_hello_to_a_feminist_today/
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An Asian driver is being interrogated after an accident

Detective: So, how did you end up killing 49 people?
Jackie: I was driving over 90km/h when I saw 2 men crossing the road. And on the other side, there was a wedding taking place. I hit the brakes but they failed, so I had to make a choice:
Either I hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Detective: Hit the 2 men of course.
Chan: Exactly! We think alike. But after hitting one, the other man escaped into the wedding party, so I went after him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apfl32/an_asian_driver_is_being_interrogated_after_an/
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Two South Indian Men in a New York Bus

Two men from South India get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears 1 of them say the following:
"Emma cums first
then  I cum
Then two asses cum together
I cum once-a-more
2 asses, they cum together again
I cum again and pee twice
Then I cum one last time ."
The lady can't take this anymore and shouts "You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed Indians, in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives however extraordinary they are."
"Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. "Who talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apfkp2/two_south_indian_men_in_a_new_york_bus/
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My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apfkan/my_friend_claims_he_can_build_a_gun_using_his_new/
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I was going to make a joke about herbs and fish...

But this is neither the plaice nor the thyme to do so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apffjr/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_herbs_and_fish/
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Why didn't the trains at the station leave after the passengers boarded?

If they wanted to leave, they would have gone to the leavetion.
I apologize, it's a terrible joke. But I made it up on the spot and it caused my daughter to snort the bean sprout she was eating into her nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apfb50/why_didnt_the_trains_at_the_station_leave_after/
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Murphy's Law? No. Mother in law's Choice

Sam, a young man, excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.  He tells her, 'Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you must try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, he says, 'Okay Mother dear, guess which one I'm going to marry.'
She immediately replies, 'The one on the right.'
'That's amazing, Ma. You're correct. How did you know?'
The mother replies, 'I don't like her.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apf9zp/murphys_law_no_mother_in_laws_choice/
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The only people who can beat Trump in 2020

are the guards and his fellow inmates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apf9e1/the_only_people_who_can_beat_trump_in_2020/
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And the LORD said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Old but gold.
Stolen off the internet. Enjoy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apf6xz/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”

Man: "Yeah... But she's got a great personality!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apf3vj/officer_im_sorry_to_say_this_sir_but_it_looks/
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What does the sign say in a Brothel that's out of business?

Beat it. We're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apf0bk/what_does_the_sign_say_in_a_brothel_thats_out_of/
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A blonde walks into a hospital.

She was claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says “Okay I’d like you to point to wherever it hurts”. So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says “Here. Ow.” She then pokes her arm and says “Here. Ow.” She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop. The doctor say “I know what’s happened to you.” “What’s happened to me??” The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, “You have a broken finger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apewo8/a_blonde_walks_into_a_hospital/
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What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag

A tea bag stays longer in the cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apevxd/whats_the_difference_between_englands_football/
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Why do all german exchange students fail math?

Because nobody wants to see their final solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apeu58/why_do_all_german_exchange_students_fail_math/
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I got a new iPhone, some weed and $2000 just today.

It’s like this gun is magic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apet42/i_got_a_new_iphone_some_weed_and_2000_just_today/
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I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apesbj/i_got_thousands_of_letters_delivered_to_my_house/
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What did the Buffalo dad say when dropping off his kid at school?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apeouk/what_did_the_buffalo_dad_say_when_dropping_off/
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I posted a time travelling joke.

Again, thanks for all the upvotes. Made my tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apemq9/i_posted_a_time_travelling_joke/
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My lesbian neighbors asked how I view lesbian relationships

“In HD” was not the right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apelm1/my_lesbian_neighbors_asked_how_i_view_lesbian/
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My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"
"Sir?" I asked.
"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."
"Yes, sir"
"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"
"Yes, sir"
"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"
"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding.  When I said that, it was two words, not one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apejgb/my_exgirlfriends_father_a_64_retired_marine/
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A woman calls her mother distraught, “Mum, I’m thinking of getting a divorce!!”

“A divorce? Why?” her mum asked, in shock.
“Mum all he wants is ANAL SEX, I used to have a lovely little arsehole, small and tight; the size of a 5p coin. Now it’s the size of a 50p coin!!”.
The Mother replies, “Sweetie, you have a lovely Porsche, a platinum credit card, a villa in Cannes, kids in private school and go on about 6 holidays a year….. Do you really want to give that up for the sake of 45p?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apeiop/a_woman_calls_her_mother_distraught_mum_im/
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My girlfriends dog died the other day. So to cheer her up, I went out and got her an identical one.

She was livid. What am I going to do with 2 dead dogs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apecz0/my_girlfriends_dog_died_the_other_day_so_to_cheer/
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What do you call Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apea4t/what_do_you_call_iron_man_without_his_suit/
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You know what people in wheelchairs can’t stand

Correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ape9ji/you_know_what_people_in_wheelchairs_cant_stand/
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It can take years to build a great relationship but only seconds to destroy it with the wrong words.

e.g. "Sarah, I'm gay"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ape91k/it_can_take_years_to_build_a_great_relationship/
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Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ape90o/color_vs_colour_favorite_vs_favourite_neighbor_vs/
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For every dollar a man makes his wife makes 80¢

So the man only has 20¢ left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ape846/for_every_dollar_a_man_makes_his_wife_makes_80/
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There is a fine line between numerator and denominator

Only a fraction of people find this funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ape79t/there_is_a_fine_line_between_numerator_and/
%
Why does Dr.pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apdwge/why_does_drpepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
A young woman goes to the supermarket, picks all her groceries, [offensive to some]

goes to the register and gives all her wares to the guy in the counter who scans it all. It’s one bread, one toothbrush, one toothpaste, one pack of salami, one apple, one banana, one bottle of milk and one small cheese. The guy behind the counter goes: «Let me guess: You’re single?» The woman sarcastically replies: «Wow, you’re so smart. What could possibly have given it away?» The dude goes: «Because you’re so fucking ugly».

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apdryh/a_young_woman_goes_to_the_supermarket_picks_all/
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It's been so cold outside...

It's been so cold outside I finally saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apdqic/its_been_so_cold_outside/
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What's the worst possible response when your kid comes out as gay?

"Hi Gay, I'm Dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apdq7v/whats_the_worst_possible_response_when_your_kid/
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What do you call Bob the Builder when he’s not at work?

Bob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apdp56/what_do_you_call_bob_the_builder_when_hes_not_at/
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A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.
One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religion is true comes up and a long and tiresome discussion ensues. But by the end of it, no conclusion is reached between the Jew, Muslim or Christian. The only thing they can all agree on is that their God (for it is true that they all worship the same god) has many, many rules for man to follow and although these rules can at times seem arbitrary or even unfounded, it is not the duty of man to understand the purpose for any law of God, but rather it is the duty of man to follow the laws regardless of his understanding of them.
The Christian says, ‘I believe Lust is the most vile, disgusting sin of all and surely God must hate it as much as I do, and for that reason I vow to never as long as I should live act on my sexual urges. I shall remain celibate my entire life to show my commitment to God.’
And the Jew says, ‘Well that may very well be true, but it is my opinion that the grossest assault on God’s honor is to work on the sabbath day, for not even did He work on that holiest of holy days, so who would I be as a humble human being to work on His day of rest? For that reason I vow to always keep the sabbath day holy as long as I should live.’
And the Muslim says, ‘Both of you make fair points, but it is my assessment that the pig is the most foul creature to walk the earth, for the spirit of Lucifer himself inhabited that dirty animal and anyone that would consume the flesh and blood of that beast should surely become as perverted and vile as the dark prince himself. For that reason I vow to never eat pork as long as I should live and this is how I will demonstrate my devotion to God.’
With the three friends satisfied with their individual commitments to God, the Jew, Muslim and Christian finished their cherry pie and went on to live very pious lives in their own separate ways. They continued to meet up every week at the coffee shop and eat cherry pie and have discussions for many decades until one day, the three old friends are stepping out of the coffee shop, laughing and wiping the cherry pie crumbs from the corners of their mouths when a bus driver loses control of his vehicle and crashes into the three men killing them instantly.
The Jew, Muslim and Christian find themselves standing at the pearly gates of heaven before Saint Peter who regrettably informs them that they’ll all be going to hell. The men are understandably furious.
‘This is outrageous!’ Says the Christian. ‘I was so handsome in life, hundreds of women threw themselves at me but I remained committed to my celibacy! I resisted my lustful urges because I thought that’s what God would want!’ Saint Peter just nods his head and shrugs his shoulders.
The Jew says, ‘Think about all the money I could have made if I had worked on the sabbath day! I’m talkin’ thousands of dollars down the drain! But I kept the sabbath day holy!’ Again Saint Peter just nods and shrugs.
The Muslim says, ‘Just the smell of bacon sizzling in a pan is enough to get me salivating like a Pavlov dog, but not once in my entire life did I touch a single molecule of pork meat to my tongue! What is the meaning of this?’
And Saint Peter says, ‘Look, gentlemen. There’s no denying that you all lived very devoted lives, but unfortunately you all committed the greatest sin of all.’ The three friends look at one another in bewilderment before asking, ‘What sin is that?’ And Saint Peter says, ‘Well the big guy isn’t really a huge fan of cherry pie.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apdlq2/a_jew_a_muslim_and_a_christian_are_all_best/
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What type of music do pirates listen to?

Any type they want since they don't have to pay for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apdl5o/what_type_of_music_do_pirates_listen_to/
%
You know what really ruins my day?

Waking up in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apdiuo/you_know_what_really_ruins_my_day/
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Yo mamma is so......

Nice, I highly value the talks we’ve had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apdfs8/yo_mamma_is_so/
%
What do you call a dinosaur which plays fortnite?

A flossiraptor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apddgh/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_which_plays_fortnite/
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I was going to post a time travel joke..

But you guys didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apdbtv/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_travel_joke/
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Country girl Sheila, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom tiles.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction cupped herself to the Bathroom Floor.
She yelled out for her Ol' Man, "Biker John!
He came running in.
"I've suctioned myself to the floor."
"Biker John tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck real fast, girl!"
I'll go across the road and get Billy Bob"
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way, we can't do it," Billy Bob said.
"So let's try Plan B?"
"Plan B," exclaimed Biker John.
"What's that?"
"I'll go home and get my Hammer and Chisel and we'll break the Floor Tiles under her," replied Billy Bob.
"Spot on," Biker John said.
"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and Play with her Nipples."
"Play with her Nipples?"
Billy Bob said, "Not exactly a good time for that!"
"No," Biker John replied.
"But reckon if I can get her Wet enough, we can slide her into the Kitchen where the Tiles are less expensive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apd8pi/country_girl_sheila_got_out_of_the_shower_and/
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I needed glasses to see my family.

Two glasses of scotch. To be precise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apd6b0/i_needed_glasses_to_see_my_family/
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Freudian slip

A man was waiting in line to buy a train ticket for himself and his friend. When he was almost to the front of the line, he noticed that the person selling the tickets had a rather nice, large pair of breasts. When it was his turn to buy the tickets, he accidentally blurted out "Two pickets for Tittsburg, please!". Feeling embarrassed by this accidental slip of the tongue, he quickly apologized over and over to the offended lady behind the ticket window. The man standing behind him witnessed the incident decided to help the poor guy out. "You shouldn't be too worried about what just happened," the man explained, "you simply experienced what is called a Freudian Slip. Just the other day I was having dinner with my wife and I meant to say 'would you please pass me the salt', but what actualy came out was 'you stupid fucking bitch, you ruined my life!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apd5p7/freudian_slip/
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apd4yv/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_that/
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My wife is so pessimistic! I remembered the stoller, the car seat, AND the diaperbag.

But all she talked about was that I forgot the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apd1f8/my_wife_is_so_pessimistic_i_remembered_the/
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Never seek advice from a man..

I am a lady aged 26, and my husband is 34. I left my husband with the maid and our baby at home. After driving for just about 2km from home, my car engine started to over heat. So I had to return and get the other car. When I got home I found my husband in bed with our maid. I Don't know what to do. Please help me!!!
*Advice:*
Over heating of the engine after such a short distance can be caused by problems associated with the radiator. You need to check the oil and water levels in your engine before you start your journey. You must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid such problems in future. I hope my answer will help solve your problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apd0oy/never_seek_advice_from_a_man/
%
My girlfriend started her period today

It’s gonna be a pain in the ass for her on Valentines Day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apcygk/my_girlfriend_started_her_period_today/
%
There once was a plumber named Lee

Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
In the midst of their plumbing,
She said, "Hush!  Someone's coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apcu4i/there_once_was_a_plumber_named_lee/
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So, Will Smith is playing the genie from Aladdin, well then

West Philadelphia born and raised, in a genie lamp is where I spend most of my days. Chillin out back and relaxing all cool til Aladdin showed up with little Abu then a couple of guys who were up to no good..Jafar started taking over my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my master got scared he said if you mingle with the street rats don't come back near here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apco0n/so_will_smith_is_playing_the_genie_from_aladdin/
%
I just told my crush how I felt and apparently she feels the same.

With her hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apcjvh/i_just_told_my_crush_how_i_felt_and_apparently/
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IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apcjv6/ikea_has_been_accused_of_evading_over_500_million/
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I got into a fight in the drug store and they threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me.

Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apcer9/i_got_into_a_fight_in_the_drug_store_and_they/
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Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

They are lined up in front of three doors. The first is opened to reveal a swarm of wasps and mosquitoes. Satan's voice booms "Mr Obama you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these vile creations!" And with that, Obama is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.
Clinton and Trump are now terrified. The second door opens, and it reveals a room filled with angry rabid dogs and badgers. Satan's voice booms again "Mr Clinton you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these ghastly beasts!" And with that, Clinton is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.
Trump is now wetting himself. The final door opens, but instead of there being anything horrific, Trump sees the most drop-dead gorgeous young woman he has ever laid eyes on, with perfect skin, a stunning face, and thick flowing hair. Satan's voice booms one final time "Mrs Samson you have sinned…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apc8ur/donald_trump_barack_obama_and_bill_clinton_die/
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I wasn't a fan of this whole cancer thing

But it's grown on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apc7kl/i_wasnt_a_fan_of_this_whole_cancer_thing/
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What did the Centurion say when he crucified Jesus?

Nailed it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apc7ck/what_did_the_centurion_say_when_he_crucified_jesus/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apc6nj/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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I Have Money For Days!

A man goes to his bank to withdraw some money. He sees there is a new, smoking hot teller. He thinks ‘I’ll ask her out on a date’. He proceeds to walk up to her and starts to talk to her.
“Hey beautiful.”
*giggles* “Well hello sir! What can I do for you today?”
“I’d like to withdraw some money for a date tonight.”
She checks his account information. “Well, who happens to be the lucky lady?”
“I was hoping it would be you?”
She giggles again and says “I don’t think so, sir.”
“Why not? I have money for days!”
“Three days, if we’re being exact.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apc6a3/i_have_money_for_days/
%
A doctor, a klansman, and a governor walk into a bar...

Oh wait, it’s just Ralph Northam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apc5ek/a_doctor_a_klansman_and_a_governor_walk_into_a_bar/
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I asked my son, what has four legs and is not alive? He answered, " so easy, its table".

You should have seen his face when I broke the news that our dog is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apc1ww/i_asked_my_son_what_has_four_legs_and_is_not/
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I like my coffee how I like my women

Without a pecker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apc0u3/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
%
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?

Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apby7x/have_you_ever_tried_ethiopian_food/
%
Today while working at the bank, a little old lady came up to the counter and asked to check her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apbwzt/today_while_working_at_the_bank_a_little_old_lady/
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I was walking down the street with my wife. I saw my mother-in-law being beaten by six men.

My wife asked, “Aren’t you going to help?”
I responded, “Six should be enough.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apbo7e/i_was_walking_down_the_street_with_my_wife_i_saw/
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Anti-vax jokes are like anti-vax kids,

They were great for a year or two, but they should be dead by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apbmpi/antivax_jokes_are_like_antivax_kids/
%
I tried to talk to my anti-vax friend the other day

Unfortunately the Oijia board wasn’t working

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apbkli/i_tried_to_talk_to_my_antivax_friend_the_other_day/
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If you’re genetically predisposed to spelling and grammar errors, does that mean you’re…

…typo positive?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apbiok/if_youre_genetically_predisposed_to_spelling_and/
%
A doctor, a nurse, and a mom walk into a bar

The doctor sits first and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
The nurse sits second and orders a shot of Jose Cuervo.
The mom sits last and says "I'm sorry but i don't do shots" then falls to the flood dead from polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apbi72/a_doctor_a_nurse_and_a_mom_walk_into_a_bar/
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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apbam1/north_koreans_believe_they_live_in_the_best/
%
Last year I entered a marathon.

The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied, "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apb93q/last_year_i_entered_a_marathon/
%
A lawyer gets pulled up for overspeeding in Chicago.

Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Sir, you were overspeeding.
Lawyer: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see ur license please?
Lawyer: I would have given it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers then.
Lawyer: I can't do that either.
Officer: Why not?
Lawyer: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner.
Officer: WHAT?
Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defend, otherwise he would have called the police and I would have landed in jail.
The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly retreats to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars encircle the Lawyer's car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle.
Lawyer: Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.
Lawyer: Killed the owner?
Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?
Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.
The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it over to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.
Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apb3b4/a_lawyer_gets_pulled_up_for_overspeeding_in/
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I told a poltergeist that I'd give him $10,000 to leave my home forever

But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apaye0/i_told_a_poltergeist_that_id_give_him_10000_to/
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My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apavjg/my_lesbian_neighbors_gave_me_a_rolex_for_my/
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What is the Grim Reaper's favorite kind of drink?

Mortali-tea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apati1/what_is_the_grim_reapers_favorite_kind_of_drink/
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Two horses are best friends

Two horses, one name of Joe and the other Phil, grow up on the same farm together. They’re the best of friends, Joe and Phil, and they both share the dream of one day becoming world class racehorses. Every week they sneak up to the farmer’s window and watch the races, fantasizing about being like those racehorses one day.
One day the farmer has to sell the two horses and unfortunately has to sell them separately. Joe and Phil are quite torn up about it but they make an effort to maintain their friendship in spite of the distance that now separates them. They call each other every weekend to catch up and of course to talk about the races.
But as so very often happens when friends are apart for so long, Joe and Phil drift farther and farther apart. They call each other less frequently until eventually they stop altogether. Each horse gets so caught up in their own lives that they practically forget about their childhood friendship.
Joe ends up taking a simple job pulling a plow. It’s not too terribly difficult of a job and it earns him a fair amount of oats. And despite losing touch with Phil, he still manages to watch the races every week. One day, as he’s sorting his oats and watching the biggest horse race of the year, he notices a familiar face on the screen. It’s his childhood friend, Phil and he’s pulling to the front of the other racehorses!
Joe can’t believe his eyes as Phil wins the race, securing his place in racehorse history. ‘I have to reach out to him!’ Joe says to himself. He spends all night calling every racehorse agency in the country but nobody’s heard of his friend. Finally, the last place he calls just so happens to be the agency that represents Phil.
‘I know him personally!’ Joe tells the agent. ‘You have to schedule a meeting!’
‘Bullshit,’ says the agent. ‘You just want to cash in on our overnight success story. How do I know you actually are an old friend of Phil’s?’  Joe thinks for a moment and then tells the agent,
‘Phil has a birthmark that looks like the state of Nevada on his left hind leg. It’s too small to see on tv so you know I must have seen it in person.’
‘That’s true!’ Exclaims the agent. ‘You must be who you say you are, I’ll give you his personal phone number and you can call him yourself.’
After obtaining his friend’s personal cell number, Joe realizes that he is actually quite nervous about reaching out to his old friend. He thinks to himself, What if Phil thinks I’m just hitting him up because he’s famous? He dials the number and hangs up about seven times before he finally decides that it’ll be best to sleep on things and call him in the morning.
So the morning comes and Joe calls Phil. It seems like an eternity goes by before the familiar voice comes over the line.
‘Hello?’
‘Hey, Phil. It’s me, Joe. You probably don’t remember me..’
‘Of course I remember you! How’ve you been?’
‘Oh I’ve just been pulling a plow, nothing special. But you, you did it! You did what we always talked about!’
‘Yeah, man. It’s a long story but I’m gonna be in your neck of the woods next week. Maybe we can get a beer and I’ll tell you all about it.’
‘I would like that very much.’
The next week the two old friends meet up at the bar and share a few laughs about the good old days.
‘Well tell me how you made the dream come true, man. You’re a world class racehorse now.’
Phil takes a long drink before beginning his story.
‘Well,’ he says. ‘Shortly after we got separated, I took this job at the dog track. I figured it wasn’t horses but at least it was racing and maybe I could learn about the industry. I was just cleaning up dog shit off the track and carting around water for the racers. There was this one dog, a grey hound, who was faster than any of the other dogs by such a wide margin that he won every race he ran. His name was Greg. Now one day I was just minding my business, cleaning up some dog shit when Greg walks right past me. I can’t help myself but call out to him. I tell him he’s the fastest dog I’ve ever seen and that I’m interested in racing one day. Well Greg comes up to me and tells me if I’m serious about being a race horse, he can take me under his wing and make me the fastest horse alive. So every winter, Greg would take me up to some property of his in the mountains and make me sprint in the snow. Finally one day he told me I was fast enough to get on the docket. So I marched down to the race track and told the manager, Hey I know I’m new but I’m young and hungry and goshdamn I’m fast. But the manager just laughed at my face and told me I was crazy to think some noname could waltz onto the track mid season and get a spot on the docket. So I went back to Greg with my tail between my legs and told him what happened. Greg just looked at me and said my speed wasn’t something I could just tell them about, I had to show them. So I marched back to the track, they tried to stop me but I leapt over the fence and ran around the track three times in under a minute. The manager couldn’t believe his eyes, I was the fastest damn horse he’d ever seen, and just like that I was signed.’
The horses both sipped their beers silently after Phil finished his story until Joe finally shook his head and said, ‘You know, Phil. That story doesn’t make any fuckin sense. Dogs can’t talk.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apaqom/two_horses_are_best_friends/
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How many jokes does it take to piss off a feminist?

Just this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apaq70/how_many_jokes_does_it_take_to_piss_off_a_feminist/
%
How do you make clean water out of raw sewage?

You boil the shit out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apaitz/how_do_you_make_clean_water_out_of_raw_sewage/
%
Funny how you can get charged $250 for smoking in a hotel room...

but you can cum on everything and nobody cares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apagov/funny_how_you_can_get_charged_250_for_smoking_in/
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In the early 1970s, researchers discovered...

...that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan. Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing. Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.
They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens. On his way back with a truckload of the tiny birds, he accidentally struck a cougar in the road. Unfortunately for him, it was (at the time) the state animal, and harming one was a felony.
The poor guy was charged with transporting young gulls across a state lion for immortal porpoises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apa7zk/in_the_early_1970s_researchers_discovered/
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What do you call the "terrible twos" in unvaccinated children?

A midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apa7io/what_do_you_call_the_terrible_twos_in/
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

Now, you can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apa78s/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm

So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks.
The oldest son comes back an hour later and says "i got 10 dollars for my duck dad" to which the father replies "not bad."
The second oldest son comes back 5 hours later and says "well dad, I got 5 dollars, a basket of apples, and a basket of oranges." To which the dad replies "very good son!"
The youngest son is having trouble selling his duck so he decides to just give it away to the first person he sees. He's walking past a brothel and sees a nice looking hooker and asks her "you want a free duck?" She is confused but says yes and then asks him if he wants a free session for it, and he accepts. After they get done she says that he was so good she wants to go again, and he says sure but only if he can have his duck back. She agrees, they go again, and he walks out with his duck. On his way home a car coming down the road startles the duck, it flies into the road and gets hit. The man driving the car hops out and starts freaking out and says "I'm so sorry! Here's 20 bucks for your duck!" the boy takes the money and heads home leaving the duck on the side of the road.
When he gets home the father says "wow you've been gone a long time! What did you get for your duck?"
The son says "a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apa6hb/an_old_man_is_trying_to_figure_out_how_to_choose/
%
Little Timmy went to a brothel.

Behind him, he dragged a dead frog on a string. He walks up to the nearest employee and says "I'd like to sleep with one of your girls today."
"Sure kid, do you have any preferences?" The employee replied.
"Yes.. I'd like to sleep with which ever girl has the most diseases."
Shocked, the employee simply says. "Alrighty, kid. Whatever you want!"
So, little Timmy runs off with his newly appointed date and does not return for quite some time.
Upon Timmy's return, the employee stops him and says "Hey, you. I have to ask; why did you want only our most diseased girl?"
"Well," Timmy starts, "Tonight, when I go home my babysitter will come over. My babysitter will touch me and she'll get the diseases. Then Daddy will come home and sleep with the babysitter and she'll get the diseases. Then, Mommy will come home and the babysitter will leave and my parents will sleep with each other, giving Mommy the diseases. Then tomorrow, when Daddy leaves for work before Mommy, the milkman will come and sleep with Mommy and he'll get the diseases.
And *that's* the fucker who ran over my frog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/apa0as/little_timmy_went_to_a_brothel/
%
Did you hear about the vandal who broke into the greengrocers to smash a single piece of fruit?

He got arrested for breaking a nectarine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap9xec/did_you_hear_about_the_vandal_who_broke_into_the/
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A professor of logic and philosophy gets lost in the countryside.

After being lost for an hour he stops at a farm and asks a farmer, "Hello, sir I'm a professor of logic and philosophy, specializing in deductive reasoning and I'm supposed to be delivering a lecture at a local university but I am terribly lost. Can you help me?"
The farmer scratches his head and says, "deductive reasoning? What the hell is that?"
"Oh. It's simple," the professor says. "I'll give you an example. I bet you are not gay. Am I right?"
"I'm not!" said the farmer. "How did you know?"
"You own a dog don't you?" said the professor.
"Yes."
"I figured that out because I saw your doghouse over there. And because the doghouse is incredibly small, I guessed it was a small family dog. And since it's likely a small, family dog you probably have children. And a wife. Which means you're not gay. I could tell all that just from knowing about your dog."
"wow. That's amazing!" says the farmer. He gives the professor directions to the I university and carries on about his day.
Later that evening, a good friend of the farmer visited. The farmer says to his buddy, "you won't believe what happened today! A professor of logic and philosophy came by, and he specializes in deductive reasoning!"
His friend looked at him confused, "Deductive reasoning? What the hell is that?"
"Ill give you an example," the farmer proudly stated. "Do you own a dog?"
"No."
"Hahaha you faggot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap9u4o/a_professor_of_logic_and_philosophy_gets_lost_in/
%
My brother always prefers to take the stairs, whereas I prefer the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap9rs6/my_brother_always_prefers_to_take_the_stairs/
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Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap9q0w/sherlock_holmes_and_mr_watson_go_on_a_camping_trip/
%
3 old ladies were at the park sitting on a bench...

A man wearing a trench coat walks up to them, opens the coat and flashes them with his naked body.
The first old lady has a stroke. The second old lady has a stroke. The third old lady can't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap9m4v/3_old_ladies_were_at_the_park_sitting_on_a_bench/
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Two weightlifters decide to celebrate a victory.

They headed to their favorite place; the tavern where they first met. They both asked for various drinks, and soon reached a point where they could both no longer hold their liquor.
"Hey, we should have a contest," said the first weightlifter. "We'll each start lifting different things until we hit our limits."
The second weightlifter agreed, and promptly lifted up his glass of alcohol.
The first weightlifter proceded to stack empty glasses on top of each other, and lifted them all up.
The rest of the night continued in a similar fashion; chairs, tables, people, even the bartender himself were all lifted. The place was soon trashed, and the two men were ordered to leave immediately.
With one last attempt to win, the first weightlifter cracked his knuckles and gripped the exterior of the tavern. With all his remaining strength, he ripped the tavern off of the ground, drinks and all. Passersby stopped dead in their tracks to see this record-breaking feat of strength. Sweat ran down the weightlifter's head, and his opponent's expression told him that he had won.
"Damn," said the second weightlifter, "you really raised the bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap9hkk/two_weightlifters_decide_to_celebrate_a_victory/
%
Two Whales are sitting at a bar

The first whale says "WOOOOOOWWWWWWWOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE WWOWOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAWOOOOO."
The second whale says "Go home Steve your Drunk".
."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap9d5s/two_whales_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
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If I had a Delorean..

I would only use it from time to time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap9bto/if_i_had_a_delorean/
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I was surprised when Buzzfeed laid of their journalists

I didn't even know they had journalists!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap9big/i_was_surprised_when_buzzfeed_laid_of_their/
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What do you call a nun's vagina?

A Can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap9ac2/what_do_you_call_a_nuns_vagina/
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Capital letters are the only thing between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse...

...and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap97on/capital_letters_are_the_only_thing_between/
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Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.
The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Joe. So, he brought in Bro and Buddy, and told them to come in separately to identify the body.
Bro came in first, and was asked to look for any details about the body that he recognized. After a few minutes of examining, Bro said, “Mr. Coroner, I’ll need you to turn the body over for me to be sure.”
Confused, the coroner obliged. Bro continued to examine the body, bent down on one knee, reared his head sideways, then stood up and said, “No sir, this can’t be Joe.”
The coroner was even more confused, but he accepted this statement and sent Bro out. Next, he invited Buddy in to repeat the task. Buddy, after examining the body in a similar fashion to Bro, also requested that the body be turned over.
The coroner, after mumbling a bit about his confusion, flipped the body over. Buddy too bent down on one knee and examined the back area of the body, then, just as Bro had previously, said, “No sir, Mr. Coroner, this isn’t Joe.”
The coroner was astonished, so he asked that Bro come back in so that the two of them were standing there at once. The coroner said, “Gentlemen, this man’s dental records and features match perfectly with those of your friend Joe’s. How on earth are you both positive this isn’t him?”
Bro and Buddy looked at each other, then Bro answered, “Sir, this can’t be Joe because Joe has two assholes.”
In shock, the coroner asked, “How can he have two assholes? Have you ever seen them?”
Buddy replied, “No sir, but it was common knowledge. Every time we were out with him, people would say, ‘Look, it’s Joe with those two assholes!’”
**Credit goes to my grandmother, who was the first to tell me this joke.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap94x4/three_men_joe_bro_and_buddy_all_lived_in_a_small/
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A man named Joe came into my store wearing a Jimi Hendrix t-shirt. He started to leave, and I noticed he had some Dubble Bubble he hadn't paid for.

"Hey Joe, where you going with that gum in your hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap92j7/a_man_named_joe_came_into_my_store_wearing_a_jimi/
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Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap904y/once_upon_a_time_in_the_magical_fantasy_kingdom/
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My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation

Now I’m worried shitless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap8z4b/my_doctor_diagnosed_me_with_anxiety_and/
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Just bought the Missus a Pug dog. Despite the squashed eyes, rolls of fat and being ugly as fuck.

The Pug seems to like her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap8kko/just_bought_the_missus_a_pug_dog_despite_the/
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While visiting England, Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Teresa May and says, "Madam, Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Miss May responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, madam," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Trump?"
"Yes. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that."
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the US envoy to Venezuela to the test. He summons Elliott Abrams to the White House and says, "Mr. Abrams, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Abrams hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Trump agrees, and Abrams leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other envoys, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Abrams calls up Nikki Haley and asks her the question.
"Now look here, Nikki--your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" "It's me, of course, you dumb ass," answers Haley.
Much relieved, Abrams rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Nikki Haley!" And Trump replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, it's Teresa May!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap8kch/while_visiting_england_trump_is_invited_to_tea/
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My local dental hygienist passed away last week.

A plaque was put up in her honour, but it kept getting removed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap8ftu/my_local_dental_hygienist_passed_away_last_week/
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A frog is born mute

so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to befriend this mute frog and to develop a system of communication with him. Basically the frog blinks once for Yes, twice for No, the tortoise does all the talking and asks all the questions and they get along just fine.
Years go by and the frog and the tortoise have fostered a beautiful friendship. But as the frog has gotten older he has become sexually curious and desires to mingle with the other frogs his age. The tortoise senses this one day and asks the frog, ‘do you want me to take you to the pond?’ The frog blinks once for Yes. So the tortoise takes the frog to the pond and starts introducing him to all the other frogs. At first the frog is very nervous but the tortoise does a great job of explaining his disability and all the other frogs are very accepting of his condition. The mute frog ends up making a lot of new friends which boosts his confidence. And then the frog spies across the pond a beautiful girl frog. He can’t take his eyes off of her and the tortoise catches him staring. The tortoise says, ‘You like her, don’t you?’ The frog blinks once. The tortoise says, ‘You want me to go talk to her for you?’ The frog blinks twice for No. ‘I see,’ says the tortoise. ‘You wish you could talk to her yourself.’ The frog blinks once, a single tear rolling down his little frog cheek. ‘Well gee, my friend,’ says the tortoise. ‘We’ve been good friends for so long, I think I owe it to you to find a way to restore your voice.’ And with that the tortoise sets out.
The tortoise searches all over the forest for days until one day he meets a snake who just so happened to be the most renowned surgeon of all the land. This snake could perform any surgery that exists.  The tortoise explains the situation to the snake and asks him if there’s anything the snake can do for the frog.
‘Yessssss,’ the snake replies. ‘There issss one sssurgery I can perform that may ressstore your friend’sss voice, but you have to undersssstand, it’s very risssky. There’sss a fifty percent chance your friend won’t sssurvive the sssurgery.’
‘Oh my,’ says the tortoise. ‘I’ll be sure to let him know!’
So the tortoise returns to the frog and tells him the news. ‘There’s this snake who might be able to restore your voice, but it’s a coin toss whether or not you survive the procedure. Do you want to go through with this?’ After a long pause, the frog blinks once for Yes. So a day is set aside for the surgery and on that day all of the creatures of the forest gather around the snake and the frog as the snake prepares his tools and the anesthesia starts to kick in. All the creatures of the forest look on anxiously, knowing that in just a few short moments they’re either going to hear their friend’s voice for the first time, or they’re going to lose him forever. And you’ll never guess what happened next.
He croaked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap8fof/a_frog_is_born_mute/
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Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo momma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap8dep/can_we_ban_yo_momma_jokes_from_this_sub_theyre/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap87w2/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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I just sold Viagra to a guy who thinks it's Adderall

He's going to have a very hard test tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap84rh/i_just_sold_viagra_to_a_guy_who_thinks_its/
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I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home, the tables were turned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap7zu9/i_thought_i_won_the_argument_with_my_wife_as_to/
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A guy goes to a restaurant with an attitude.

The waiter comes over and says “what can I get you today” He said “listen here very carefully, I’d like a goood cheeseburger, not too rare not dry but right in the groove”
Anything else? the waiter asks. “Yes, I’d like some fries, not soft and not too crispy but right in the groove. Tell the chef to hurry”.
The waiter comes back five minutes later. The guy asks “where the hell is my food?” The waiter says “ The chef said you can kiss his ass,  not to the right, not to the left but right in the groove”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap7y8a/a_guy_goes_to_a_restaurant_with_an_attitude/
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2 women argue over who designed the human body

2 long time friends meet up at a bar and have some drinks when the conversation turns to who designed the human body.
Women 1 is a mathematician and argued as such a mathematician must have
Women 2 is a scientist and as such argued that due do science and stuff it must have been a scientist
Drunk construction worker guy spins around and says "both you broads are wrong, a plumber designed the human body"
The 2 women look confused and asked the construction worker how so. His reply? "Only a plumber is stupid enough to put the waste disposal through the main organ"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap7rmp/2_women_argue_over_who_designed_the_human_body/
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A bald man walks into a bar...

He approaches the barkeeper and tells him
"I have something in my pocket that I will show you. If you swear you've never seen anything like it before, I'll have free drinks all night"
The barkeeper, in his mid fifties, who has clearly seen a lot in his life, agrees with a nod.
The bald guest grabs into his pocket what appears to be a doll and puts this small person dressed in Victorian clothes onto the bar. The little guy is not taller than a Whiskey bottle, when he suddenly approaches the barkeeper, bows in front of him and says, "Hello, my name is Rick and I am a British poem writer"
The barkeeper stares baffled at this tiny person for a moment and looks up to the bald guy and says, "I've never ever seen anything like it! Where did you get him?"
"You know", the bald man starts "I've just come from the street corner three blocks further. I had drunk already a lot, so I felt awful and had to lean onto a lantern post not to fall onto my nose. Just by leaning there the rub was sufficient to awaken a fairy who granted me a wish..."
The barkeeper - who already had heard enough - just rushed out of the bar to rub every post he encountered until three blocks further a fairy effectively appeared. With a soft voice she whispered, "I may grant you a wish, whatever it is!"
The barkeeper, still not believing his luck and the reality of it, responded in a haste "5 millions in cash!"
The fairy snipped her fingers and disappeared. All that was left was a barkeeper with 5 melons and a rash. Disappointed he went back to his bar, scratching his face, confronting the visitor and his little pal, who still were enjoying free drinks.
"You could have told me that the fairy is hard of hearing!" screams the barkeeper.
The bald guest looks the barkeeper dead in the eye and says, "Is that so? BECAUSE YOU REALLY BELIEVE I WISHED FOR A 10 INCH RICK?"
(sorry for mistakes and grammar, English is not my mother tongue) in one form or another this joke might be known. since I had to type it down myself, shouldn't be a re-post. Hope you enjoyed anyway.
Edit... Inches, not grammar -.-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap7q9t/a_bald_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A weasel walks into a bar

The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?
“Pop,” goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap7m16/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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A plane is about to crash.

The pilot comes out of the cockpit, and solemnly addresses the passengers.
"The plane is going to crash. There are 286 passengers, but only 285 parachutes. Does anybody know how to pray?"
A minister in the middle row raises his hand.
"Good." The pilot says. "You start praying. The rest of us will take the parachutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap7ld2/a_plane_is_about_to_crash/
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A man is in a terrible car accident...

And he loses the use of his penis. He has a consult with the doctors and they inform him technology has advanced enough that they could fabricate a new functional penis for him, and insurance would cover it. Or, alternatively, insurance will cut him a check and he can go elsewhere and get a 2nd opinion.
2 days later, after discussing things over with his wife, he's back in meeting the doctors.
"Well Mr. Johnson, what did you and the Mrs. decide?"
"The Mrs. decided that we're going to get a new kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap7g9r/a_man_is_in_a_terrible_car_accident/
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For the past week, I’ve been trying to convince people on a military history subreddit that I’m French.

Finally I gave up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap79oz/for_the_past_week_ive_been_trying_to_convince/
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What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants?

A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap77zh/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mountain_range/
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A cruise magician...

... Had a parrot who spoiled every trick. You know, like, "That box has a hidden floor".
One day during the performance, the cruise ship exploded, but the magician and the parrot saved themselves on a piece of debris.
They floated along in silence for three days, when the parrot quips "Okay, I give up. How did you manage to make the ship disappear?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap70pr/a_cruise_magician/
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If I have 5 pies in one hand and 6 pies in the other, what do I have?

Adele’s undivided attention

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap7038/if_i_have_5_pies_in_one_hand_and_6_pies_in_the/
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So if a cow doesn't produce milk...

Is it considered a milk dud or a udder failure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap6uga/so_if_a_cow_doesnt_produce_milk/
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Bacon tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap6rc5/bacon_tree/
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A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap6nre/a_woman_promises_to_teach_her_boyfriend_what/
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A monk is being inducted into the monastic order...

The two elder monks in charge of his induction send him on a task. He must go into the archives and copy all the scriptures in there and not return until he's finished.
Several days later. The young monk returns and asks the elder monk, "As I was performing my task, I noticed several spelling mistakes in the last monks work, what would have happened had I copied them word for word? Then the scriptures would be wrong".
The elder monk thinks about this and decides to take it upon himself to ensure all the scriptures and copies are correct, he retreats to the archives.
The other monks don't see him for weeks. One day, the youngest monk is walking past the door to the archives and hears weeping from within. He opens the door to find the elder monk sitting amongst a pile of old scriptures.
"What's wrong?" the younger monk asks.
Solemnly looking up from of the oldest, original parchments the archives contain, the rules of the monastic order. The eldest monk replies.
"It says celebrate.... Fucking celebrate".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap6fbl/a_monk_is_being_inducted_into_the_monastic_order/
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Abortion

Really brings out the kid in you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap6erq/abortion/
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A chicken walks into a bar

The bartender says “hey! We can’t serve you here! You gotta go to the bar across the street”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap6die/a_chicken_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call your girlfriend after you get married?

Your mistress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap6cz9/what_do_you_call_your_girlfriend_after_you_get/
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Einstein met an Indian guy on a flight.

It was a flight, that was supposed to take about 20hrs to reach, it was a very long flight.
In the plane, Einstein was seated next to an Indian guy, who was about to have a nap.
The flight was very long, so naturally Einstein was bored.
As restless as Einstein's mind was, he asked the Indian guy,
"Let's play a game. I'll ask you one question, if you can't answer, you'd have to pay me 5£. However, if you ask me a question and I, with my years of knowledge and wisdom, can't answer, then I'll pay you 5000£."
The Indian guy readily agreed.
Einstein asked, "What's the distance from the Moon to the Earth?". The Indian guy was dumbstruck. He chuckled and then pulled out 5£ and gave it to Einstein.
As it was his turn now, the Indian guy asked, "Name an animal, who goes up on a mountain with 4 legs and comes back with 3."
Einstein was devastated and baffled. Even with all his expertise, wisdom and knowledge, he just could not answer that question. Einstein, infuriated, pulled out 5000£ from his wallet and gave it to the Indian man.
Einstein was desperate to know the answer. "So now you tell me, what's the name of the animal who goes up on a mountain with 4 legs and comes back with 3?"
The Indian guy gave 5£ to Einstein and went back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap6c4g/einstein_met_an_indian_guy_on_a_flight/
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A Wikipedia editor is pulled over for speeding

\[citation needed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap63dp/a_wikipedia_editor_is_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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They call it "Valentine's Day"

I call it Thursday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap61w5/they_call_it_valentines_day/
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap5xiu/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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Me at McDonald's screaming at the manager : " I ordered two large fries....

....and I get 100 little fries WTF?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap5wt6/me_at_mcdonalds_screaming_at_the_manager_i/
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Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap5tka/took_my_wife_to_the_doctors_today_to_sort_out_her/
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The highway sign said, “Watch for falling rocks.”

And I thought, OK fine, but I only have 10 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap5sb3/the_highway_sign_said_watch_for_falling_rocks/
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Why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap5ppe/why_did_7_eat_9/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap5kkx/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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When I was Young

I once caught my grandfather sprinkling gunpowder onto his grits one Sunday morning. I asked him why he would do that.
He explained, "Kid, my father did this, and his father did this. If you do this as well, every day, it'll help keep you hale and hearty well into your golden years."
It must be true, since when he died last year, he was 97, and left thirteen children, twenty-seven grandchildren, twelve great grandchildren, four great great grand children, and a fifteen foot deep crater where the crematorium used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap5k9e/when_i_was_young/
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The Golden State Warriors flew to Jamaica to play an exhibition game against a local team.

The Warriors kept on losing the ball and missing easy shots.  Kerr, the Warriors' coach was furious, but the players said that the balls were too small, and kept slipping out of their hands.
By the end of the half, they were down by 20 points, with Steph Curry, the Warriors' captain, having scored no points. Kerr and Curry decided to measure the basketballs but found that they were exactly the regulation diameter. But the balls definitely felt smaller than the ones in the US, maybe about about half the size. So Kerr asked the referee if they could play the second half with the balls they brought from the US.
The referee agreed, but these balls also seemed much smaller than they had been in the US. The Warriors ended up losing the game by 45 points. Steph Curry had only scored 4 points.
At the end of the game, the winning coach came to shake hands, and Steph Curry said, "Look, I don't mean to be a bad sport, but we measured the balls, and while they are the correct diameter, their circumference and volume seem much smaller... What the hell is going on?"
The Jamaican coach replies, "Captain, those are the pi rates of the Caribbean."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap5czt/the_golden_state_warriors_flew_to_jamaica_to_play/
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What is 6.9 ?

Something beautiful ruined by a period!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap5c69/what_is_69/
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The percent of the population holding anti-vaccination beliefs has gotten up to the mid-teens.

Unlike their children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap5ayq/the_percent_of_the_population_holding/
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Jesus can walk on water

Jesus can walk on Water. Babies are 75% Water. I can walk on babies. I am 75% Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap58gs/jesus_can_walk_on_water/
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Two 8 year olds were talking...

one says "I found a prophylactic on the gazebo"
The other says "What's a gazebo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap57lw/two_8_year_olds_were_talking/
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A traveling salesman knocked on the door of a farmhouse..

And since it was getting late, he asked the farmer if he could sleep in the barn that night. The farmer said, "That would be fine, but you have to promise to leave my son alone." And the salesman said, Oh no! I'm in the wrong joke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap511n/a_traveling_salesman_knocked_on_the_door_of_a/
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The inventor of Winrar has been arrested

His trial is expected to last forever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap4zn2/the_inventor_of_winrar_has_been_arrested/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and grabs a drink. There, he sees a gorilla in the corner of the bar doing its own thing. The person, intrigued, asks the bartender, “Why do you guys keep a gorilla in the corner of the bar?”.
The bartender replies with, “Well the Gorilla is here for one specific thing”.
The bartender taps the table three times, the Gorilla comes over, and the Bartender proceeds to smack the Gorillas head with a giant metal pole. The gorilla begins to bend down, and gives the bartender the best blowjob of his life.
After finishing, the bartender turns to the man and says “Would you like a go?”
Excited, the man replies, “Sure! Just try not to hit me too hard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap4z63/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Women that keep saying they are better at multitasking than Men: Is total Bullshit.

Told one to sit down and shut up.
She couldn't do either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap4ww6/women_that_keep_saying_they_are_better_at/
%
If you had the option of being 3 inches taller or a 3 inch longer dick, what would you choose?

I’d go with the height for sure so I’ll be close to 6’ and I really don’t need a 3.5 inch penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap4saz/if_you_had_the_option_of_being_3_inches_taller_or/
%
Iron Man is a superhero

Iron Woman is a command

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap4py7/iron_man_is_a_superhero/
%
Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

**TEACHER**: To get to the other side.
**PLATO**: For the greater good.
**ARISTOTLE**: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.
**SOCRATES**: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?
**HIPPOCRATES**: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
**KARL MARX**: It was a historical inevitability.
**MILES DAVIS**: That chicken was a motherfucker.
**EINSTEIN**: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
**BUDDHA**: Asking this question denies you, your own chicken nature.
**RALPH WALDO EMERSON**: The chicken did not cross the road. It
transcended it.
**CHARLES DICKENS**: It was a far, far better road that he crossed than he had ever crossed before...
**WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE**: But soft, what bird on yonder asphalt trots?
**DARWIN**:  Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
**DARWIN'S NEPHEW**: Which came first, the chicken or the road?
**BILL GATES**:  I have just released the new Chicken Office 2020,  which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
**OLIVER STONE**: The question is not,  "Why did the chicken cross the  road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing  the road at the same time, whom  we overlooked in our haste to observe  the chicken crossing?"
**FREUD**: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. You see, to you, the road represents the barrier between what is and what might be.  What is…is you in front of the  computer screen, practicing celibacy,  peering into your mother's womb,  wishing to be suckled at her breast (in  this case, at the teats of  internet knowledge and passive acceptance),  hating the reflection in  the screen that reminds you of your father,  thinking how you life can  never measure up… What might be, only the chicken knows, now that he has crossed...
**MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR**.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
**BILL CLINTON**: I feel that chicken's pain as he struggles to make the decision whether or not to cross the road...
\[**MONICA LEWINSKY**: The chicken's pain isn't the only thing he felt.\]
**BILL CLINTON'S REPLY**: That depends on how you define "chicken."
**DAVID COPPERFIELD**: I made the chicken disappear and reappear on the other side.
**ACCENTURE CONSULTING**:  Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Accenture Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the   Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Accenture helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital, and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Accenture Consulting   convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens   along with Accenture's consultants with deep skills in the  transportation  industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in  order to  leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and  explicit, and  to enable them to synergize with each other in order to  achieve the  implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecture  and  implement an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum  of  poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent,   clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Accenture Consulting helped the chicken to become more successful.
**MICHAEL SCHUMACHER**: (Splat!) Oh, sorry. Was that a chicken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap4hmp/famous_people_answer_the_ubiquitous_question_why/
%
I am a macho man, i always say the final words while argueing with my wife!

"Yes honey you are right"
"As you wish"
"Ok we can go to your family on thanksgiving no problem"
"I'm on it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap4eie/i_am_a_macho_man_i_always_say_the_final_words/
%
So I went to my local doctor for a prostate exam..

When taking off my pants, I asked where should I put these?
He said in the corner next to mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap4bwr/so_i_went_to_my_local_doctor_for_a_prostate_exam/
%
My girlfriend messaged me that she knew I was cheating. I went to the apartment. The locks were changed, my clothes burnt on the lawn. She yelled from the window "I hate you, never come back."

So I went home to my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap4a0y/my_girlfriend_messaged_me_that_she_knew_i_was/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap49w6/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat_next/
%
Ancient Hebrews believed the bowels were where feelings came from.

Turns out, they were full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap4982/ancient_hebrews_believed_the_bowels_were_where/
%
I wish for more..

Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish for mor–
Genie: No wishing for more wishes.
Me:
Genie:
Me: I wish for more genies.
Genie: Holy shit.
All the new genies: Holy shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap4968/i_wish_for_more/
%
A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later,  the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent it already.’
Joe said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with it?
Joe said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t flog a dead horse!’
Joe said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Joe said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Joe said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap48i5/a_young_man_named_joe_bought_a_horse_from_a/
%
Some Chuck Norris jokes here.

Chuck Norris does not eat honey.
- He chews on bees.
Chuck Norris cowboy boots are made of real cowboys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap3vh5/some_chuck_norris_jokes_here/
%
When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap3uvk/when_i_professed_my_love_to_a_female_friend_she/
%
Dark jokes are like anti-vaxxers kids

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap3tyz/dark_jokes_are_like_antivaxxers_kids/
%
Chuck Norris isn't that tough...

If he was he'd come here and mash my face into my keyboarfnfjdjfhnjdfyxydbdhxhdhd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap3sh7/chuck_norris_isnt_that_tough/
%
A man is at boating school, and is learning different phrases before he is allowed to work on a boat

The instructor asks him the first question, “What do you say when a man has fallen off the boat.”
The man energetically said, “Man overboard!”
The instructor has his next question ready, “What do you say when a woman falls off the boat?”
The man yet again states, “Full speed ahead!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap3rne/a_man_is_at_boating_school_and_is_learning/
%
Every day I like to fill my kids' minds with a sense of wonder.

Like "I wonder who my Dad is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap3ns5/every_day_i_like_to_fill_my_kids_minds_with_a/
%
What is the leading manufacturer of vibrators?

Genital Electric

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap3mox/what_is_the_leading_manufacturer_of_vibrators/
%
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?

They were prime mates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap3m69/did_you_hear_about_the_monkeys_who_shared_an/
%
I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.

Then I realised she can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap3jpu/i_saw_a_millennial_chick_at_the_supermarket_and/
%
Two guys want to go out drinking.

They both have no money, but only 50 Cent.
"No worries" said the first guy "I have an idea, how we can drink the whole night anyway. Let's go to the butcher and buy a sausage for 50 Cent. I put it in my pants. We go to a bar and after finishing our drinks, you go on your knees, open my pants and put the sausage in your mouth until we get kicked out".
The other guy is sceptical about this endavour, but eventually agrees. They go to a bar. After finishing their beer, the guy goes on his knees, opens the other guy's pants and puts the sausage in his mouth. The bartender is furious, screams insults and kicks them out.
After leaving, the one guy asks the other victoriously. "So, did we pay anything?". "No" the other guy had to admit.
They repeat the procedure: drinking, kneeing, sausage, getting kicked out. Bar after bar, after bar, after bar...
After fifteen bars, the one guy complains. "Man, I can't go down anymore. My knees hurt so badly!".
The other one goes "What about me, man?! After five bars, I already lost the god damn sausage!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap3al8/two_guys_want_to_go_out_drinking/
%
I left my wife for the same reason I left Netflix...

Too many period dramas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap36ki/i_left_my_wife_for_the_same_reason_i_left_netflix/
%
What’s a priests favourite chord on a guitar

A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap34to/whats_a_priests_favourite_chord_on_a_guitar/
%
What do you call a short guy waving at you?

A microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap34hw/what_do_you_call_a_short_guy_waving_at_you/
%
I finally got 8 hours of sleep.

It only took me 4 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap32oy/i_finally_got_8_hours_of_sleep/
%
My father taught me to be reserved and respectful, he said “Son, no one likes a cocky asshole”

“Well, except for uncle Brian and the guy from the hair salon”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap2zr8/my_father_taught_me_to_be_reserved_and_respectful/
%
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.

The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap2y61/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot/
%
Rule number 1 of the thesaurus club:

Never discuss, mention, speak of, or talk about  Thesaurus Club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap2s12/rule_number_1_of_the_thesaurus_club/
%
How do you know when a gynaecologist is nearsighted?

They've got a wet nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap2md5/how_do_you_know_when_a_gynaecologist_is/
%
What do you do if you see a space man?

Park in it man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap2hxv/what_do_you_do_if_you_see_a_space_man/
%
What smells better than it tastes?

A nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap2819/what_smells_better_than_it_tastes/
%
A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends and he agrees

Later on, he over hears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter's friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was. The daughter replied, "Oh, about 3 days ago." and her dad bursts into the room yelling, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1ym1/a_daughter_asks_her_dad_if_she_can_have_a/
%
Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: ok (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole.
Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
Next Day:
(Same boy)  I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him, this time I wasn't wearing underwear!
Mom:...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1x8a/boy_ill_pay_you_10_bucks_to_climb_up_the_flagpole/
%
I went bald early in life but I kept my comb

I just can’t part with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1w5y/i_went_bald_early_in_life_but_i_kept_my_comb/
%
What do you call a WWE wrestler who works at an ice cream shop?

Cold Stone Steve Austin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1vhd/what_do_you_call_a_wwe_wrestler_who_works_at_an/
%
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1utn/when_a_woman_removes_polish_with_chemicals_no_one/
%
At the gym

Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red)...I can't see you anymore...I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!
Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1sp3/at_the_gym/
%
I am a parent of a one year old and I support anti vaxxer parents and super thankful of them.

They help me eliminate future competition that my kid will go against. From fortnite to Harvard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1lw9/i_am_a_parent_of_a_one_year_old_and_i_support/
%
The jackass

Bob was working with John and Dave.  John shouts over to Bob, "Hey Jackass, fill out that paperwork".  A bit later, John shouts at Bob again, "Hey Jackass, bring me that file folder".  Dave seeing that Bob was down at all the shouting went over to him and said "Why do you let John call you Jackass?".  Bob said "He-aww, He-aww, He always calls me that".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1kpj/the_jackass/
%
What do you call a skeleton who conquers Europe?

Napoleon Bonyparts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1inc/what_do_you_call_a_skeleton_who_conquers_europe/
%
Oh my goat!

Two guys are walking through the forest, and they stumble across a giant hole. They wonder how far down it goes, and try to find something to throw into the hole. One man finds an anvil, and throws it down. They wait for a few seconds and don't hear anything. Suddenly they see a goat running towards them at full speed, and it jumps into the hole. They stand there confused, when someone comes out of nowhere. The stranger asks if they saw his goat, they told him that the goat jumped into the giant hole. Then the stranger explains that that would be impossible, because the goat was attached to an anvil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1i63/oh_my_goat/
%
It took over a month to install our floor-to-ceiling windows.

It was a big pane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1h5z/it_took_over_a_month_to_install_our/
%
Why do they never do reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because in the South, you never turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1gpv/why_do_they_never_do_reverse_cowgirl_in_alabama/
%
A man walks into McDonalds

The cashier says, “Hello sir! May I take your order? By the way sir, we don’t have any-”
The man interrupts, “Yes, can I get a, uh, Big Mac with large fries?”
“Sir, we don’t have any fries, would you like-“
“Oh, then can I get some small fries?”
The cashier sighs and rolls his eyes. “Look, why is there a hip in ship?”
The man thinks about it for a moment, and replies, “Well, God must’ve put it there.”
“Okay, and why is there ants in pants?”
The man takes a second to think about it again. “Hmm, I suppose God put it there as well.”
“Now, why is freak in French fries?” The cashier asks again,
The man thinks hard on this one for a couple of moments. “Wait a second, there ain’t no freak in French fries.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1g1z/a_man_walks_into_mcdonalds/
%
My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1ejv/my_friend_said_theyd_finally_read_stephen/
%
If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1d7d/if_men_call_short_women_petite_what_do_women_call/
%
I just found out that cock fighting is done with two chickens.

That’s two years of training I’ll never get back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1a1l/i_just_found_out_that_cock_fighting_is_done_with/
%
Girl: Honey, Im pregnant.

Boy: Hi Pregnant, Im Dad
Girl: No you're not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap17l6/girl_honey_im_pregnant/
%
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal record?"

I replied, " No, is that still required?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap1415/while_applying_for_australian_citizenship_the/
%
I’ll never forget my Dads last words...

“Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap11iq/ill_never_forget_my_dads_last_words/
%
A ham sandwich walks into a bar

And orders a beer.  The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap0zpi/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man goes to see the doctor and says," Doc, I have a rather embarrassing problem. You see, every time I look in the mirror I get an erection. Am I just too attractive? I'm really confused."

The doctor scratches his beard as he consults the chart, until he looks at the man over the rim of his glasses and says, "It's because you're a cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap0zo0/a_man_goes_to_see_the_doctor_and_says_doc_i_have/
%
I saw a very attractive guy spank his child after he threw his fries on the ground

I also threw my fries on the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap0y6k/i_saw_a_very_attractive_guy_spank_his_child_after/
%
My Dad told me that marriage can be compared to a deck of cards.

It starts with hearts and rings, but you end up wanting clubs and spades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap0tgx/my_dad_told_me_that_marriage_can_be_compared_to_a/
%
I like my women how I like my wine.

Aged 10 and locked in the celler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap0t2t/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_wine/
%
“Knock knock!”

“Who’s there?”
“Dave.”
“Dave who?”
Dave proceeds to break into tears as he realises his grandmother’s Alzheimer’s is only going to get worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap0qje/knock_knock/
%
Why were the wives of World War 2 soldiers happy to see them?

Because the wives wanted to have their own D-day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap0lkh/why_were_the_wives_of_world_war_2_soldiers_happy/
%
What do you call couples that practice pulling out as contraception?

Mommy and Daddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap0l2o/what_do_you_call_couples_that_practice_pulling/
%
What kind of monkey likes seafood?

A Shrimpanzee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap0jws/what_kind_of_monkey_likes_seafood/
%
Doctor Kevin had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long

. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Kevin don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Kevin."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
.
.
Kevin....
Kevin....
You're a veterinary doctor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap0f2w/doctor_kevin_had_sex_with_one_of_his_patients_and/
%
NSFW What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap0dv1/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a/
%
What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap02u5/what_concert_only_costs_45_cents/
%
My friends probably don’t think I would hit them in the face with an obscure vegetable just to get a laugh

Let’s just say they are in for a rutebega’ning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap02kz/my_friends_probably_dont_think_i_would_hit_them/
%
What is it called when a tree betrays another tree?

Treeson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap01ll/what_is_it_called_when_a_tree_betrays_another_tree/
%
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap00m2/today_i_donated_my_watch_phone_and_500_to_a_poor/
%
The government was seeking for tenders to build a bridge

On Monday, the first contractor had a meeting with the minister.
"What's your quote?" the minister asked.
"$300 million" said the contractor.
"How do you come up with that figure?"
"Well," said the contractor, quietly, "$100 million for you, $100 million for me, and $100 million to actually build the bridge."
"I'll get back to you on that," said the minister.
On Wednesday, the second contractor had a meeting with the minister.
"What's your quote?" the minister asked.
"$600 million" said the contractor.
"How do you come up with that figure?"
"Well," said the contractor, quietly, "$200 million for you, $200 million for me, and $200 million to actually build the bridge."
"I'll get back to you on that," said the minister.
Finally, on Friday, the third contractor had a meeting with the minister.
"What's your quote?" the minister asked.
"$900 million" said the contractor.
"How do you come up with that figure?"
"Well," said the contractor, quietly, "$300 million for you, $300 million for me, and $300 million to pay the first guy to do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ap006r/the_government_was_seeking_for_tenders_to_build_a/
%
Whats the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

you can unscrew a lightbulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aozwdu/whats_the_difference_between_a_lightbulb_and_a/
%
An airplane is about to crash!

With only 5 parachutes on board.
A Doctor says, “save the women”.
A young mother says,  “no save the children”.
A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”.
A priest asks, “do we have time”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aozuvg/an_airplane_is_about_to_crash/
%
Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day,

push a man off a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aozsrw/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_he_will_fly_for_a/
%
If everyone had the memory of a goldfish.

I forgot where I was going with this.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aozrd0/if_everyone_had_the_memory_of_a_goldfish/
%
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aozpe6/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
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Two racehorses and a dog are in the stable on the night before the big race.

The old horse says, “Kid, I have a favor to ask. Tomorrow’s the last race of my career. If I win, they’ll have a big parade in my honor and put me in a nice pasture for the rest of my life. If I lose, they’ll send me to the glue factory. Now, I’m still a pretty good racer, but I think we both know that if you try tomorrow, you can beat me. So I’m asking you, just this once … will you let me win?”
The younger racehorse looks at the ground for a long time. “I understand what you’re asking,” he says, “and I feel for you, I really do. But look at this from my point of view. I’ve never lost a race. If I keep up my record, there’s no telling how far I’ll go. And, no offense, but if I lose this early in my career to a horse as old as you, I could never recover. I’m really sorry, but I just can’t do it.”
The dog says, “Are you out of your mind? You’ve said yourself that you already have a great record, and he’s asking you to come in second, in one race, to save his life. How can you refuse that? Have you no soul at all?”
The young horse looks at the old horse and says, “Look — a dog that can talk!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aozp15/two_racehorses_and_a_dog_are_in_the_stable_on_the/
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Extraordinary eyes

My eyes are so good I can see exactly 1 year into the future
I guess I have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aozn48/extraordinary_eyes/
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Just a hotel bar...

There was a bar on the 42nd floor of the hotel. A dude drinks some whiskey . Then he says “watch this.” To a dude. He jumps out a window and right before he hits the ground he softly lands and comes back up to the bar. Puzzled, the dude asks “how did you do that?” The man says “just drink some whiskey.” The dude has some whiskey and jumps out the window and lands with a SPLAT!!! The bartender says “Superman, your such a bad person when you are drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aozm7h/just_a_hotel_bar/
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16 sodium atoms walk into a bar...

Followed by Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aozljt/16_sodium_atoms_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call an orgy with people that have Gonorrhea?

A round of applause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aozk8d/what_do_you_call_an_orgy_with_people_that_have/
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What's the worst thing about being an egg?

You only get laid once and it's by your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aozdpk/whats_the_worst_thing_about_being_an_egg/
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A genie is granting my last wish

Me: I wish for more-
Genie: No wishing for more wishes.
Me: I wish for more genies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoz9lz/a_genie_is_granting_my_last_wish/
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Why can’t Kendall Jenner see her father anymore?

He’s transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoz8f7/why_cant_kendall_jenner_see_her_father_anymore/
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What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoz760/whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_a_mans_body/
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Is there anybody named Jeff in here

Jeff: Yes
Geoff: Yeos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoz467/is_there_anybody_named_jeff_in_here/
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I don'f understand people making typos in their post titles...

Don't they proof read before submitting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoz1r8/i_donf_understand_people_making_typos_in_their/
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What is a tree’s favorite drink?

Root beer!
I need help

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoz0ji/what_is_a_trees_favorite_drink/
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How do you know a bum has a girlfriend?

Because he has 2 clean fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoyrmf/how_do_you_know_a_bum_has_a_girlfriend/
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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12.67.” The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking sets exact change down on the bar.
After they finish their beers, the bartender asks, “anything else?” The man says, “Gimme a shot of bourbon.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want a double bourbon, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves them and says, “That’s $14.03.” The man reaches into his pocket and without even looking again sets exact change on the bar.
After that round, the bartender says, “What else will ya have?” The man says, “I need a Jack and Coke.” The ostrich says, “Me too!” The cat says, “I want two Jack and Cokes, and I’m only paying...”
“Half price, I know,” says the bartender. He sets them up and says, “$16.38, please.” The man reaches in his pocket a third time, and again sets exact change on the bar without counting it out.
The bartender asks the man, “How is it that every time you pay for your drink order, you can set exact change on the bar without looking?” The man says, “Well, some years ago I was walking on the beach in Egypt, and I found a magic lamp in the sand. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for setting him free. So, with the first wish, I wished that no matter what I ever wanted to buy, I would always have exact change for it in my pocket.”
The bartender says, “That’s brilliant! Most people would wish for a million or five million or whatever. This way, you’ll never run out of money, you don’t have to worry about carrying it, and you’ll never be robbed! Absolutely brilliant.”
The man says, “I know, and thank you!”
The bartender says, “So what did you ask for with your other two wishes?” The man said “A chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoypt9/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_followed_by_an_ostrich/
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I was pulled over for suspected drinking and driving...

I got out for the field sobriety tests and the cop said “you’re staggering”. I replied “thanks you aren’t too bad looking yourself”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoypmk/i_was_pulled_over_for_suspected_drinking_and/
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A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoyls7/a_few_years_ago_i_invented_beach_footwear_for/
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So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes...

Yeah she is pretty basic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoyjlc/so_im_dating_this_girl_called_magnesium_hydroxide/
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​I was explaining to my wife last night

that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoyem1/i_was_explaining_to_my_wife_last_night/
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I was walking through the countryside and I thought to myself, "The world is a wonderful and beautiful place why would anyone ever do drugs?"

...Then I remembered I was on drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoyaqn/i_was_walking_through_the_countryside_and_i/
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Marriage is a three ring circus

Engagement Ring
Wedding ring
Suffering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoy8z3/marriage_is_a_three_ring_circus/
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I went to a wedding and they played "The Twist" so I did the Twist, then they played "Macerena" so I did the " Macerena then they played "Come On Eileen"

So I was told to leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoy6n7/i_went_to_a_wedding_and_they_played_the_twist_so/
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My doctor told me I have an unhealthy obsession with iPads.

So he gave me some tablets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoy6lv/my_doctor_told_me_i_have_an_unhealthy_obsession/
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How do you make 7 even?

You take away the s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoy5pi/how_do_you_make_7_even/
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I noticed that I am quite a mature person, ever since I stopped making indirect comments about others.

Unlike some others that I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoy1ca/i_noticed_that_i_am_quite_a_mature_person_ever/
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Tree joke (long)

This was told to me by an older Iroqouis man when I was in college: Woodpecker was out foraging for food in the forest when he overheard two trees arguing.  It was hard to make out what the trees were saying, so woodpecker flew in closer to listen.  He came upon a large beech and a large birch, arguing over a young sapling that grew between them.  The beech said "That tree is a son of a beech, it will grow to be strong and provide food to the animals of the forest." The birch replied," No, it is a son of a birch, it will grow to be a mighty birch and will give man bark to start fires and build canoes.".  And so it went, the beech said it was a son of a beech and the birch said it was a son of a birch.  Woodpecker could see that the trees had grown so tall, they struggled  to see the little sapling on the forest floor.  So, woodpecker flew in closer and offered to settle the dispute.  He said to the trees "I know trees better than any animal in the forest, let me take a closer look and I will settle this argument". The trees happily agreed and woodpecker flew down to the young sapling.  Woodpecker spent some time, hopping on the little tree, pecking the trunk and pecking the branches.  After some time had passed, he flew back up to give his report.  Before woodpecker could say anything, the beech exclaimed "it's a son of a beech, I know he will be a mighty beech one day". The birch immediately followed with "You are mistaken, he is a son of a birch, he will be a strong birch one day." Woodpecker, having a chance to speak, finally said "I hate to disappoint you, but it is not a son of a beech, nor is it a son of a birch.  But, that's the nicest piece of ash I ever stuck my pecker in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoxya4/tree_joke_long/
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I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoxwbu/i_used_to_feel_like_a_man_who_was_trapped_in_a/
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What happens when you sit in sugar for too long?

You get an anal cavity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoxrbv/what_happens_when_you_sit_in_sugar_for_too_long/
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Tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?

Boil some at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoxqm7/tired_of_boiling_water_every_time_you_make_pasta/
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I had some vegan chicken for lunch

I only know because it told me before I had it killed and cooked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoxpcj/i_had_some_vegan_chicken_for_lunch/
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What did one plate whisper to the other plate?

Dinner is on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoxnqk/what_did_one_plate_whisper_to_the_other_plate/
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I spent two hours looking for my axe.

And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoxiks/i_spent_two_hours_looking_for_my_axe/
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My wife does'nt think I respect her privacy enough.

Atleast that's what it says in her diary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoxhm7/my_wife_doesnt_think_i_respect_her_privacy_enough/
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Buddhists never write R.I.P on the gravestones

All of them just say BRB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoxerc/buddhists_never_write_rip_on_the_gravestones/
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Mountains aren’t just funny

They’re hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoxemg/mountains_arent_just_funny/
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My wife keeps telling me I'n the cheapest person she ever met.

I'm not buying it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoxbhs/my_wife_keeps_telling_me_in_the_cheapest_person/
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So a man walks into a bar,

The bar tender asks, what can I get for you
Man: I think I'll have myself a gin and tonic tonight.
The Bartender places an apple on the counter.
Man: what the hell is this?
BT:Just take a bite,
The man bites "holy shit, that tastes like gin!
BT: Now turn it around
Man: tastes like tonic!
Later on that evening another man asks the bar tender, "hey BT get me a rum an coke". The BT places another apple.
Man2: what the hell is this?
BT: take a bite
Man2: holy fuck it tastes like coke!
BT: now turn it around
Man2: RUM!? Holy shit, hey jake get over here this dudes got an apple that tastes like anything you want!
Jake: no shit really? You got an apple that tastes like pussy?
BT places an apple on the counter.
Jake takes a bite and immediately spits it out "what kind of joke is this?! It tastes like shit!
Bartender replies "Now turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aox7oa/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I am a chick magnet.

I repel them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aox4e5/i_am_a_chick_magnet/
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What's the most unrealistic thing about the Bible?

A 30 year old man with 12 close friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aox24s/whats_the_most_unrealistic_thing_about_the_bible/
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Yo Momma so Redneck,

I coulda started this joke with sister,auntie or cousin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aox1ql/yo_momma_so_redneck/
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Did you know there's a way to go 7 days without sleeping and not feel tired?

Sleep at night.
It's a great trick I highly recommend it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aox1cl/did_you_know_theres_a_way_to_go_7_days_without/
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My grandfather has a French rifle from WW2 for sale on eBay

The description reads "never fired. Dropped once "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aox10x/my_grandfather_has_a_french_rifle_from_ww2_for/
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I met a Chinese guy at a party and told him, “Do I know you? Are you Chris Chen?”

He said, “No. I’m Eric. Do all Asian guys look the same to you?”
Me: No, I meant do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aowxvm/i_met_a_chinese_guy_at_a_party_and_told_him_do_i/
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I met a guy who works at a toilet paper company

He was quite charmin, I must say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aowwfm/i_met_a_guy_who_works_at_a_toilet_paper_company/
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They used to call me Spider-man at school

cuz my uncle got murdered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aowuy3/they_used_to_call_me_spiderman_at_school/
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3 vacuum sellers are making their way towards a nearby farm

The three walk past a beautiful young girl, the farmers daughter, and go straight for the front door. They knock and the farmer opens up. They ask would he be interested in buying a vacuum. The farmer ponders for a moment and agrees to buy a vacuum, but on one condition. They don't try to flirt with his daughter while he is away, for he had to quickly go to the marketplace nearby.
As soon as the farmer leaves of course the 3 men try to flirt the farmer's daughter. And of course the farmer is not happy to see this when he comes back. He marches to the house and comes back with a shotgun. " You three will go to my fields and pick something from there and bring it to me!"
The first man goes and finds peas. He brings a whole pod back and the farmer tells him to shove them up his ass. He obliges because it's easy to fit them all.
The second man comes back but with tomatoes. The farmers also tells him to shove them up his ass But the second man stops and starts laughing hysterically. The farmer asks him what's so funny about shoving them up his rectum, to which the second man answers: "it's not the tomatoes I'm laughing at. I'm laughing because I saw the third man pick up watermelons over there".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aowsz8/3_vacuum_sellers_are_making_their_way_towards_a/
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What's red and has seven dents in it?

Snow White's cherry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aownta/whats_red_and_has_seven_dents_in_it/
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Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line. If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aowl75/hello_and_welcome_to_the_mental_health_hotline/
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Why does it take five pre-menstrual women to change a lightbulb?

LOOK IT JUST DOES OKAY?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aowhlp/why_does_it_take_five_premenstrual_women_to/
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At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aowcy5/at_a_wedding_reception_the_grooms_grandfather/
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4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.",  off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aowaup/4_people_are_on_a_crashing_plane_but_there_are/
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A Japanese man flew to Amerika to be with the girl of his dreams that he had met online.

He arrived at her parents house and rang the doorbell. When her father opened the door, the Japanese man bowed and introduced himself.
"My name is Hieto Sazukawaskawa and I am here to sleep with your daughter."
The fathers eyes grew wide and he asked in disbelieve.
"You are here to WHAT?"
"Sazukawaskawa"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aow9gf/a_japanese_man_flew_to_amerika_to_be_with_the/
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Soviet Union. Judge comes out of the courtroom, laughing.

- Why are you laughing?
- I've just heard a very funny joke.
- Tell me it.
- I can't, I just gave a 10-year sentence for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aow429/soviet_union_judge_comes_out_of_the_courtroom/
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Why did Barty Crouch, Jr stop drinking?

It was making him Moody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aovygn/why_did_barty_crouch_jr_stop_drinking/
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Crystal had her first period...

Crystal had her first period when she was alone at home and didn't knew what to do.
So, Cristal remembered that her friend, Johnny had a sister and went to his home.
When she arrived, she asks:
Hi Johnny, is your sister at home?
No, Crystal, why? you hardly speak to her.
I know, but it's a girls thing.
I can help you, I know everything about girls!
No, no, and your mother? is your mother at home?
She went shopping, but tell me, I'm sure I can help you, I know about girl things.
No, no, you can't! And your grandmother? is she here?
No, I'm alone. Come on, tell me, I can help you.
Well, if you're alone, ok, ok, I'll tell you.
Crystal lifts her skirt, there's blood all over her panties.
Johnny, horrified, screams: Holly fuck Crystal!!!! you've ripped your balls!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aovxyq/crystal_had_her_first_period/
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The Pope and Kim Jong Un were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, the Pope called his guard Dave into the room, opened the window and said, "Dave, jump down."
Dave replied in tears, "Your Holiness, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."
The Pope explained that he was only joking, and let Dave out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.
The Pope grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aovwkr/the_pope_and_kim_jong_un_were_having_a_meeting_in/
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After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.

The husband tells his wife: "Listen,this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to fuck you,don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You."
The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I LOVE YOU TOO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aovuxz/after_being_in_prison_for_15_years_a_man_escapes/
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Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, "Which do you prefer: chess or sex?".

Spassky replied, "It very much depends on the position".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aovpuo/boris_spassky_was_once_asked_by_a_reporter_which/
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What do you call a cat that barks

Fake mews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aovolj/what_do_you_call_a_cat_that_barks/
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Transfinancial:

Being a rich person born into a poor person's body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aov9nf/transfinancial/
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The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ...

They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aov9jq/the_date_for_superbowl_2020_has_been_announced_as/
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Good old number 367

Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how did they die. So he asks the first man and the first man says, "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work on purpose. When I got back to the apartement she was lying naked in bed like she had just been having sex. So I checked under the bed and there was no one there. I checked in the closet and there was no one there, so I looked on the balcony and there was some guy hanging from the railing. I got so angry I beat his hands until he fell, then I ran back in the apartement, grabbed the refrigerator, brought it back out, and dropped over the railing right on top of him. Then I was so mad I had a heart attack and died and came here." St. Peter said, "It sounds like you've had it rough, so I'll let you in." The next man walks up and gets asked the same question. So this man says, "I was in my apartement when I slipped and fell over the railing. I was able to grab onto the railing of the apartement below me but then this guy starts pounding on my fists until I fall. Then he goes and dumps this refrigerator on me and I wound up here." St. Peter lets this guy in too because he has also had it rough. Then the third guy comes up and is also asked the question. This guy replies, "Okay, so I'm banging this married chick when the husband comes home early. So I go and hide in the refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aouvsx/good_old_number_367/
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I’m not addicted to cocaine

I just really love the smell of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aouuqj/im_not_addicted_to_cocaine/
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Two guys walked into a bar

The third one ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aourqa/two_guys_walked_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aour1h/what_do_you_call_a_blind_deer/
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Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoun63/today_i_learned_that_your_surname_denotes_your/
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Vin Diesel pulled up next to me at a light the other day

Shocked, I saw him motion for me to roll down my window. I did and he said to me:
"You know what I put in my car?"
"Gas?" I replied.
"Diesel" he said and then he sped off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aouli3/vin_diesel_pulled_up_next_to_me_at_a_light_the/
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What do you call an anti-vaxxer couple and their kids on the moon?

A problem.
What do you call ten anti-vaxxer families on the moon?
A bigger problem.
What do you call a hundred anti-vaxxer families on the moon?
An even bigger problem.
So how about ALL the anti-vaxxer families on the moon?
Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoul6w/what_do_you_call_an_antivaxxer_couple_and_their/
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A guy goes to visit his friend who lives on the 100th floor

At the reception, the friend welcomes him with a grim news "The elevator is not working so we have to take the stairs."
The guy afraid says "But that's a long climb.."
"Don't worry" His friend replies "We can tell each other horror stories while we climb up. That way we can be entertained and not feel the exhaustion of the climb."
The guy agrees and both of them begin to tell each other stories. Each story is more scary than the last. When finally, sweaty and exhausted the two men reaches the 100th floor, the friend turn and says "Now I will tell you the scariest story ever."
Exhausted, the guy says "Go on"
The friend replies "I've forgotten the apartment keys at the reception...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aouhr9/a_guy_goes_to_visit_his_friend_who_lives_on_the/
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What do you call a hen that can add, subtract, and multiply?

A mathamachicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoueis/what_do_you_call_a_hen_that_can_add_subtract_and/
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What do you give the cannibal that's late for the picnic?

The cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoueat/what_do_you_give_the_cannibal_thats_late_for_the/
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Why did the Turkish army stay out of Syria?

There were curds in their whey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoucf5/why_did_the_turkish_army_stay_out_of_syria/
%
What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes?

Cuntstubble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoubxf/what_do_you_call_a_policewoman_who_shaves_her/
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Some people think of fanny packs as being a useful tool to hold your belongings,

I personally think they’re just waisted space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aouawu/some_people_think_of_fanny_packs_as_being_a/
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A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 whiskeys in 3 seperate glasses.

So the bartender pours the drinks and the man drinks all 3, pays, and leaves. The next day, the man comes in, orders the same thing, drinks, pays leaves. This goes on for a week when finally the bartender says "you know, I can put all of those into 1 big glass for you if you'd like". The man replies "no that's ok. You see, I have 2 brothers back home in Ireland. This glass is for me brother Seamus, this glass is for me brother Reamus, and this glass is for me. I miss them very much and drinking like this let's me feel close to them." The bartender is touched and over the next couple of months, the man comes in everyday, drinks, pays and leave. One day, the man walks in and as the bartender is about to start pouring the drinks, the man says "it'll...it'll just be 2 shots of whiskey in 2 seperate glasses today please". The bartender's heart sank. "Oh no, is everything ok?" The man replies "oh yes, everything is fine. It's just that I've decided to quit drinking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aou9ps/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_3_whiskeys_in_3/
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A man and his wife go to a therapist.

Therapist: What brought you two here today?
Her: I hate how he takes things so literally.
Therapist: And you?
Him: A car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aou7fc/a_man_and_his_wife_go_to_a_therapist/
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Why is darK spelled with 'K'and not with 'C'

Coz you cant 'C' in dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aou34t/why_is_dark_spelled_with_kand_not_with_c/
%
I don't trust the ocean

It looks fishy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aou2jd/i_dont_trust_the_ocean/
%
Whats thr difference between a woman and a refrigerator?

A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aou1g1/whats_thr_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
%
A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.

Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aou0jz/a_guy_was_watching_the_game_drinking_a_few_beers/
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Did you hear about the guy who has reverse erectile dysfunction?

He having a real hard time at the moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aou09e/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_has_reverse/
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A man had been deserted alone on an island for 10 years...

When suddenly one day he sees a ship in the distance! He lights the signal fire and to his delight sees a life raft rowing his way. When the boat finally reaches the shore the man weeps with joy and hugs the man, the captain of the ship, who came to save him. The captain asks the man “Dear sir, how long have you been here.” The man replies “10 long and agonizing years. All alone... it’s been terrible.” The captain looks over the mans shoulder and sees several little huts. He asks the man “Good sir, I don’t understand. If you were here by yourself why are there 3 huts?” The man nods and says “Well, I live in that hut and I go to church in that other hut.” The captain said, “That’s all good and well... but what about the 3rd hut?” With disdain the man said “Oh... that one? Well.. that’s where I used to go to church.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aotz6s/a_man_had_been_deserted_alone_on_an_island_for_10/
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What music to kangaroos like??

Hip hop!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aotwz7/what_music_to_kangaroos_like/
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valantines day is coming up, so I thought id try something I haven't tried before in the bedroom

my right hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aotw2q/valantines_day_is_coming_up_so_i_thought_id_try/
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Two cats are walking through a desert..

..after a long while one of them turns and says, "Dude, I don't get this litter box".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aottud/two_cats_are_walking_through_a_desert/
%
Condoms

Are for fucking pussies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aotrvw/condoms/
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What do you call a gangster who believes in double standards?

A hypocrip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aotrin/what_do_you_call_a_gangster_who_believes_in/
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Where did the girl go after the explosion?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aotr53/where_did_the_girl_go_after_the_explosion/
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A guy walks into a bar, slams $20 down and asks for a vodka. The barman serves the drink and enquires about his problem...

"I just found out my brother is gay", says the guy. "Man, that's tough," says the barman. Two weeks later the same guy goes to the bar again, and slams another $20 on the bar. The barman again enquires about his problem."I just found out my father is gay too!" says the guy. "Wow your family is screwed up," says the barman. Two weeks later, the guy walks into the bar again. Before he has a chance to take out any money, the bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, does anyone in your family even like to sleep with women?". "Yes", replies the guy, "my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aotpgt/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_slams_20_down_and_asks_for/
%
When you miss or cancel an appointment,

that is a disappointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aotoch/when_you_miss_or_cancel_an_appointment/
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I have to give up spreadsheets for forty days.

Excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aotnfr/i_have_to_give_up_spreadsheets_for_forty_days/
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I would never vaccinate my kids. Its unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive, and reckless.

I take them to the doctors instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aotn21/i_would_never_vaccinate_my_kids_its_unnatural/
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Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film

Taken: Out Of Context.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aotijj/cant_wait_to_see_liam_neesons_new_film/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women.

I don't like coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aotfnx/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
What is Obi-wan's favorite car?

The Toyota Highlander

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aotfe5/what_is_obiwans_favorite_car/
%
Nobody knew Jesus' twin brother.

Until Easter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot9l1/nobody_knew_jesus_twin_brother/
%
I want to open an Indian restaurant that caters to the workingclass individual.

I'll call it Naan to Five.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot8xh/i_want_to_open_an_indian_restaurant_that_caters/
%
I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive, reckless and harmful.

I take my kids to the doctor so that they can vaccinate them instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot8q8/i_would_never_vaccinate_my_kids_that_is_unnatural/
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Seeing-eye dogs

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”
The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”
First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”
He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”
He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”
The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot7aa/seeingeye_dogs/
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What's the worst part about being an egg?

You only get laid once and it's by your mum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot70l/whats_the_worst_part_about_being_an_egg/
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Whats a cannibal's favorite type of shampoo?

Head and shoulders!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot6dl/whats_a_cannibals_favorite_type_of_shampoo/
%
Where’s the bathroom again?

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot6d8/wheres_the_bathroom_again/
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Saving a Christian

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot62n/saving_a_christian/
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Playing with fate

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot4zm/playing_with_fate/
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Hunting gone wrong

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot33z/hunting_gone_wrong/
%
A woman walks into a pet store..

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot2p5/a_woman_walks_into_a_pet_store/
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I found a way around the Chai niece sense or ship

[Not removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot2gn/i_found_a_way_around_the_chai_niece_sense_or_ship/
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I would never vaccinate my kids.

That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless,
expensive, reckless, and harmful. I take
my kids to the doctor so they can
vaccinate them instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot2d6/i_would_never_vaccinate_my_kids/
%
Tom Brady has 6 rings...

... and now he can destroy half the NFL with one snap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot29g/tom_brady_has_6_rings/
%
What do you call a squashed bee?

A was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aot13i/what_do_you_call_a_squashed_bee/
%
I was reading a book on cocaine addiction the other day

After the first few lines I was hooked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aosyy3/i_was_reading_a_book_on_cocaine_addiction_the/
%
Your momma so big.

She broke Graham’s number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aosypp/your_momma_so_big/
%
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are actually wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aosxc8/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
When can a sentence poop?

When it has a colon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aosvx0/when_can_a_sentence_poop/
%
Tried to visit r/constipation

Turns out I was blocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aossei/tried_to_visit_rconstipation/
%
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”
Man: “No, but she  will be home shortly”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aosscv/a_jewel_thief_entered_a_house_midafternoon_he/
%
What's the scariest kind of dinosaur?

A terrordactyl!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aosq6m/whats_the_scariest_kind_of_dinosaur/
%
I'm absolutely fuming..

My son got sent home from school yesterday. He has been suspended for running around the girls toilets waving his willy around. Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet.
Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far. However, he was having none of it and has stuck by the suspension.
Getting a bit peeved, I asked the head if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention.
"No", he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year 5 Geography class that he is employed to do"..........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aospky/im_absolutely_fuming/
%
An anti-vax mom is at a cashier

"you should give me a discount! It's my son's 3rd birthday", She says
The cashier then replied "in that case, I'll apply the senior discount"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aosmtg/an_antivax_mom_is_at_a_cashier/
%
Having gay parents must be terrible

Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aosm81/having_gay_parents_must_be_terrible/
%
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication

with a small twin engine aircraft.A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone.
He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone
Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in
front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aosi6a/an_air_traffic_control_tower_suddenly_lost/
%
[OC] Why cant milk cartons walk?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aosi06/oc_why_cant_milk_cartons_walk/
%
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar

and ordered a drink.
“Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied.
“Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aosg2x/david_hasselhoff_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Why did Tencent invest $150 million in Reddit?

[censored]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoseaa/why_did_tencent_invest_150_million_in_reddit/
%
Why did Phil Swift get arrested?

Because he was a registered Flex ofender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aosc11/why_did_phil_swift_get_arrested/
%
What do Russian sailors greet each other with?

Nahoy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aosbww/what_do_russian_sailors_greet_each_other_with/
%
A long time ago...

For many years, a small indian village had been mistreated by a great fire breathing dragon. All the villages were too scared to even leave their houses at night, that was except for a young man named Urkake.
Urkake was a fearless fighter who swore to the village that he would slay the dragon before their very eyes!
The following night the dragon appeared. This time the villages filed out of their homes as Urkake made his stand. *Swish Swoosh Ching Clank Oof Reawwww*.
There it lay. As useless as a catapult. Slain by the great Urkake. The day was celebrated in his honour and every year when it came around the villagers would worship his name.
Over the years the memory of Urkake faded and only a few people remembered the great feat he had achieved.
If you look around today you will probably find that nobody cares if its Urkake day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aosbr5/a_long_time_ago/
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A joke for our new Chinese overlords: I once asked my Chinese girlfriend for a 69.

She said I'm not cooking Chicken Chow Mein at this time of night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aos8ye/a_joke_for_our_new_chinese_overlords_i_once_asked/
%
Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have little anti bodies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aos8sq/why_dont_ants_get_sick/
%
They used to be called "Jumpolines"...

...until your mom jumped on one back in '72

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aos8q5/they_used_to_be_called_jumpolines/
%
Damn dude, you must be very good at Limbo.

We set the bar really low and you still managed to go under it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aos76l/damn_dude_you_must_be_very_good_at_limbo/
%
I taught my hen to count her eggs

She’s a mathemachicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aos748/i_taught_my_hen_to_count_her_eggs/
%
My wife apologised for the first time today.

She said she was sorry she ever married me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aos11v/my_wife_apologised_for_the_first_time_today/
%
If there's one thing minecraft has taught us

It's that you don't waste diamonds on a hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aos0v4/if_theres_one_thing_minecraft_has_taught_us/
%
My girlfriend said she wanted our first sexual experience together to be like a fairytale...

So I invited seven midgets to join in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aos0hv/my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_our_first_sexual/
%
A Silver sister can't remember your face

But a Silver Bromide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aorzkc/a_silver_sister_cant_remember_your_face/
%
How to speak Chinese

That's not right..................................Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me asap......................................Kum Hia Nao
Stupid man........................................Dum Gai
Small horse.......................................Tai Ni Po Ni
It's very dark in here...........................Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet................Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow-away zone......................No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week......Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight............................Lei Ying Lo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aorxmx/how_to_speak_chinese/
%
God asked Adam to name the animals

Adam began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…”
Then God said, “You must name the sea animals, too”
Adam was tired already, so he said, “Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aorvj7/god_asked_adam_to_name_the_animals/
%
I've just been watching a pair of blue tits in the garden.

I told the wife it was too cold for sunbathing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aorsf1/ive_just_been_watching_a_pair_of_blue_tits_in_the/
%
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear

. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aorqbq/a_lady_comes_home_from_her_doctors_appointment/
%
A woman is having an affair while her husband is at work

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
The boy says "I have a baseball."
The man says "That's nice."
Boy asks "Want to buy it?"
Man replies "No, thanks."
Boy says "My dad's outside."
Man "okay, how much?"
Boy "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy "Its dark in here."
Man  "Yes, it is."
Boy  "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy "$750?
Man "fine"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy ~ "$1,000?"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost."
"I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aorm9w/a_woman_is_having_an_affair_while_her_husband_is/
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You know you are getting old

When you have dry dreams and wet farts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aorlfi/you_know_you_are_getting_old/
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Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?

When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
“Dancing,” she replied.
The first school dance I went to, I got fucking expelled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aorl6p/why_are_parents_so_bad_at_discussing_sex_with/
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My wife told me that my son just lost his first tooth...

I know! That hopefully taught him not to touch my Xbox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aorkt7/my_wife_told_me_that_my_son_just_lost_his_first/
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My wife recently told me that sex is a lot better on holidays

I didn’t enjoy reading that postcard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aorkel/my_wife_recently_told_me_that_sex_is_a_lot_better/
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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day

Give a vegan a fish and you'll never hear the end of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aorkbp/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_feed_him_for_a_day/
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Tyron walks into a brothel

Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.
Madame: What can we do for you?
Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.
Madame: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?
Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey...
Madame: And what about the third wish?
Tyrion: Well... she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee.
Madame: Well that one's not so bad eh?
Tyrion: Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!
(I stole this but thought it was pretty good)
(I stole this of the block who stole this of a bloke who probably stole this)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aork2i/tyron_walks_into_a_brothel/
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Paddy & Murphy

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy “I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!”
Murphy meanwhile watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts “Paddy you’re mad, go home” .
So Paddy he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where the heck are you going?” asks the Foreman.
“I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” says Murphy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aorigz/paddy_murphy/
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After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aorhow/after_a_long_time_i_told_my_hot_coworker_how_i/
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The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolize menstruation. Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods...

...they should use an emoji of a husband quietly masturbating in the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoreh4/the_official_list_of_emojis_for_2019_has_been/
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I don't like these Chinese New Year celebrstions

They tend to Drag-on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aordz0/i_dont_like_these_chinese_new_year_celebrstions/
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I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aordvd/i_finally_got_someone_to_be_my_valentine/
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My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.

I thought we had good alchemy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aorbj0/my_girlfriend_walked_out_on_me_for_being_too_old/
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I hope this starts your day with a good giggle...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoravn/i_hope_this_starts_your_day_with_a_good_giggle/
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My girlfriend said she wanted our first sexual experience together to be like a fairytale.

So I invited seven midgets to join in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aor79i/my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_our_first_sexual/
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A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Gorilla walk into a bar

The Gorilla looks around and says
"I must be in the wrong joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aor5dg/a_rabbi_a_priest_and_a_gorilla_walk_into_a_bar/
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Paddy had not done any acting in a long time

, and was thrilled have been given an opportunity in a local production.   The director said to him, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose, delicately, with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply, and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.' "
Paddy practised his line and the director's instructions all day long, over and over again, until finally, the time came.  The curtain went up, Paddy walked on to the stage and said his line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."  The theatre erupted with laughter, and the surprised Irishman gave an impromptu bow as he walked off the stage.
The director was livid.  "You bloody fool!" he screamed. "You have ruined me!"
"What happened?" said Paddy, bewildered. "Did I forget my line?"
"No!" shouted the director. “You forgot the rose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aor5aq/paddy_had_not_done_any_acting_in_a_long_time/
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I suggested to a friend that we take up bird watching

He remained unconvinced until I showed him a photo of a nice pair of tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aor3w8/i_suggested_to_a_friend_that_we_take_up_bird/
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My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth.

He says it’s accidental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aor38p/my_dentist_pulled_out_the_wrong_tooth/
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What is the difference between being pregnant and having diabetes?

When you’re pregnant, you lactate. When you have diabetes, you lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aor1yo/what_is_the_difference_between_being_pregnant_and/
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An old man is lying on his deathbed

, when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly-baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aor0r2/an_old_man_is_lying_on_his_deathbed/
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Vandals have committed a terrible attack on the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoqzww/vandals_have_committed_a_terrible_attack_on_the/
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A guy walks into a car part store...

He says to the man behind the counter, "I need a gas cap for a Geo Metro."
The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and then says, "I think that's a fair trade."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoqrde/a_guy_walks_into_a_car_part_store/
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My last trip to Europe reminded me how bad I was at chess

I was beaten by a Czech mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoqoid/my_last_trip_to_europe_reminded_me_how_bad_i_was/
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A Cherokee chief walks into a hotel.

The receptionist: “You have a reservation?”
“Yeah you’re right.” The Cherokee chief walks away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoqlyd/a_cherokee_chief_walks_into_a_hotel/
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Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

If they had 4 doors they'd be chicken sedans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoqjqy/why_do_chicken_coops_have_2_doors/
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I thought my latest bowel movement was crap...

...but then I got a second wind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoqiu1/i_thought_my_latest_bowel_movement_was_crap/
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Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?

Because he's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoqgdh/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_mates/
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One day a husband and wife decided...

They won't use the word "sex" in front of their child anymore, instead they would use "type/typing" to denote that.
So, one day the husband was feeling some need so told his kid to ask her mother if she could type a letter for her. The kid asked his mother. She told him to tell his father that typewriter is broken now.
The day after that father told the kid to ask the same question. Mother replied, that the typewriter isn't in perfect condition.
Next day mom told the kid to tell his dad that the typewriter is perfect  and the letter can be written now.
Father replied, that letter was very urgent, so he has already written it by hand instead !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoqc7c/one_day_a_husband_and_wife_decided/
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I once tried to pay for my food at Hooters with an energy drink...

Apparently Red Bull doesn’t give you wings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoq5gi/i_once_tried_to_pay_for_my_food_at_hooters_with/
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I'm taking the Manic Street Preachers around rural England.

If they tolerate Diss, then the Chilterns will be next.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoq58d/im_taking_the_manic_street_preachers_around_rural/
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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

‘Ell if I know!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoq3h8/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_and_a/
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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aopxlu/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
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An elderly woman goes to see her doctor

because she's worried about her bowels. After waiting to be seen the doctor brings her back to the examination room and asked for the details of what's bothering her.
"For the last few months I've have a problem with "silent but deadlies," she says. I haven't changed my diet but every hour I have maybe a dozen silent but noxious farts. Just now in your waiting room I had three. It's so embarrassing, doctor. What can I do?"
The Doctor replies, "To start with I'm going to check your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aopx3u/an_elderly_woman_goes_to_see_her_doctor/
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What do you call a lonely skeleton?

A boner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aopvit/what_do_you_call_a_lonely_skeleton/
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To be Frank...

I'd have to change my name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aopk4a/to_be_frank/
%
When he turned 13, little Johhny asked his father if he would buy him a new bicycle................ *NSFW*

The father smirked at little Johnny and said to the young man "Well, I don't know son. Does your dick reach your asshole?"
Bewildered, Johnny went to the bathroom to check; coming out with a sad look on his face sobbing "No sir".
"Well, there's your answer son. No, I will not buy you a new bicycle."
Fast fowars a few years and Johnny is now 16, and he asks his father for another favor. "Dad, could you buy me a car?" The father smiles and looks Johhny in the eyes and says "I don't know son; does your dick reach your asshole?"   Johnny quickly ran to the bathroom to check, only to come out with his head looking down mumbling "No sir...."   "Well, there you have it Johnny, I will not purchase you a vehicle at this time."
A few years passed, and now Johnny was engaged to the woman of his dreams, had a prety good job, and was trying to purchase a new home so he could raise a family. Johnnie was aprehensive about asking his father for help, but he was a few grand short , and decided to give it a shot.
"Dad, I was wondering if you could help me out with a loan to put this down payment on a new house?" The father, never missing an opportunity, grinned and asked Johnnie "I don't know son, does your dick reach your asshole?"
Johnnie, with his head held high looked his father right in the eyes, and said "Why yes, yes father, it does!" Smiling from ear to ear with confidence.  "Great!" The father yelled, "Now go fuck yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aopdps/when_he_turned_13_little_johhny_asked_his_father/
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Tom Brady is 5 times better than Nickelback

He's a quarterback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aopd0z/tom_brady_is_5_times_better_than_nickelback/
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A Rabbi and a Priest in a burning school

As they were running for their lives the priest noticed a group of kids who were stuck and went to help them.
The Rabbi said “Fuck the kids”
The priest stopped and looked behind him as flames engulfed the hall way and said “Do you think we have time”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aopaqe/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_in_a_burning_school/
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What do you call someone who dyes their hair red?

Transginger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aopa3m/what_do_you_call_someone_who_dyes_their_hair_red/
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What do you call a Scot man that smokes marijuana?

A Highlander

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aop9re/what_do_you_call_a_scot_man_that_smokes_marijuana/
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I wanna write a mystery novel

Or do i?
I have actually written one
Or have i?
I am sorry i wont do this again
Or wil i?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aop8s6/i_wanna_write_a_mystery_novel/
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My milk expires next thursday

That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aop870/my_milk_expires_next_thursday/
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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm...

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.  He turns to his wife and says, 'This is the pig I'm fucking'.  His wife says, 'You idiot...that isn't a pig.  It's a duck.'  The man responds, 'I wasn't talking to you...'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aop5kq/a_man_walks_into_his_house_with_a_duck_under_his/
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My grandfather was great at Russian roulette.

He only lost once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aop465/my_grandfather_was_great_at_russian_roulette/
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Lulu was a prostitute, but didn't want her grandmother to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her grandaughter. Grandma asked, "why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that"s awfully nice of them. I think I"ll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" "I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry..." The policeman fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aop2a4/lulu_was_a_prostitute_but_didnt_want_her/
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The president is walking out of the White House and toward his limo...

When a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the assassin and he is captured.
Later the the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “ What in the heck made you shout ‘Mickey Mouse’?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous, I actually meant to shout........ “Donald, duck!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoovu7/the_president_is_walking_out_of_the_white_house/
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Why is Yoda afraid of seven?

Because six seven eight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoovsi/why_is_yoda_afraid_of_seven/
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Why can't Mexicans play uno

because they steal all the green cards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aootl0/why_cant_mexicans_play_uno/
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What did Paul Manafort say when he bumped into the president?

Pardon me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aooqbb/what_did_paul_manafort_say_when_he_bumped_into/
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What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common?

Their days are numbered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aool4b/what_do_a_calendar_and_a_non_vaxxed_kid_have_in/
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I can't see an end. I have no control, and I don't see any escape. I"m not even sure I have a home anymore....

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoof3e/i_cant_see_an_end_i_have_no_control_and_i_dont/
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I’m just sitting here all sad, crushing soda cans by myself

It’s soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aooe93/im_just_sitting_here_all_sad_crushing_soda_cans/
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What’s the difference between a fat cow and your mother?

People will actually eat the cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoodnq/whats_the_difference_between_a_fat_cow_and_your/
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I stole a Vibrator once

I did it for the buzz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aooah5/i_stole_a_vibrator_once/
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A fish sees a fly over the river

The fish thinks " if that fly drops 6 inches I'm going to jump up and get it"
But the fish doesn't know that there's a bear by the river
The bear thinks " if that fly drops 6 inches , the fish will jump and get  it and I'll get the fish and I'll have a good meal"
But what the bear doesn't notice is there is a hunter with a sandwich watching the bear watching the fish which is watching the fly
So the hunter thinks to himself "if that fly drops 6 inches , the fish will get the fly , the bear will get the fish and I'll shoot the bear and then I'll have a good meal"
Then a mouse sees the hunter and his sandwich and thinks to himself " if that fly drops 6 inches, the fish will get the fly ,the bear will get the fish and the hunter will drop his sandwich and shoot the bear, then I'll take the sandwich and have a good meal"
But the mouse doesn't notice the cat behind him and the cat thinks to himself " if that fly drops 6 inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will drop his sandwich and shoot the bear, the mouse will grab the sandwich and then I'll get the mouse.
Then it happens, the fly drops 6 inches, the fish gets the fly , the bear gets the fish, the hunter drops the sandwich and shoots the bear , the mouse gets the sandwich but when the cat jumps to get the mouse it misses and falls in the river.
The moral of the story is that when a fly drops 6 inches a pussy is gonna get wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoo97m/a_fish_sees_a_fly_over_the_river/
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So i was arguing with a knife....

I was like damn, he does have a point!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoo70k/so_i_was_arguing_with_a_knife/
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Don and his son

Big time gangster Don Vito Corleone picked up his son Santino after his annual exams. 'How was it?' he asked.
'They questioned me for three hours, papa. But I told them nothing.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoo348/don_and_his_son/
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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoo01x/a_teenage_boy_had_just_passed_his_driving_test/
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Reverse joke challenge

This is a game I came up with, the rules are pretty simple:
Post a question in the form of: "What do you call an (animal) with a (object)?" And I (or someone else) will respond with a laffy taffy quality pun as a response. This creates a new terrible joke as a result!
Keep in mind these take me a long time to "solve" but I can almost always come up with a passable answer.
For example:
Q: What do you call a polar bear with a banana?
A: A peeler bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aonvka/reverse_joke_challenge/
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Boom

What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?
One actually does something when its triggered.
**I did not create this joke but found 0 evidence of it being a repost but if it is feel free to let me know.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aonugg/boom/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic on the Titanic?

Halfway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aons9s/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_on/
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Watson, what is the meaning of constipation?

No shit, Sherlock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aonr2t/watson_what_is_the_meaning_of_constipation/
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Three men on a boat.

There are three men on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette away and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aonlhi/three_men_on_a_boat/
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There's this forest, and in this forest, there is a river.

Now, hovering above this river is a fly and looking at this fly is a fish. And the fish is looking at the fly and its thinking to itself: "You know what? If that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there and get that fly and have myself a real nice meal."
What the fish didn't realize is that a bear was looking at the fish, looking at the fly. The bears thinking to itself: "You know what? If that fly drops six inches and that fish gets that fly, I'm gonna go in there and get that fish and have my self a real nice meal."
What the bear didn't realize is that a hunter who was eating a sandwich, was watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. The hunter is sitting there, looking at that fly and he's thinking to himself: "You know what? If that fly drops six inches and then that fish gets that fly and that bear gets that fish, I'll put my sandwich down and shoot the bear and have my self a real nice meal."
What the hunter didn't realize is that there was a mouse, watching the sandwich in the hunter's hand, watching the bear, watching the fish, and watching the fly. The mouse is looking at the fly and he's thinking to himself: "You know what? If that fly drops six inches, and that fish gets that fly, and that bear gets that fish, and that hunter drops his sandwich and gets the bear, I'm gonna have my self a real nice meal."
What the mouse didn't realize is that there was a cat, watching the mouse, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. The cat is sitting there and thinking to himself: "You know what? If that fly drops six inches, and that fish gets that fly, and that bear gets that fish, and that hunter drops his sandwich and gets that bear, I'm gonna get the mouse and have myself a real nice meal."
And then all of a sudden, it happened. The fly drops six inches, the fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter drops his sandwich and shoots the bear, the mouse jumps on the sandwich, but then it all went wrong.
The cat went to jump on the mouse and missed and landed in the river. The cat got completely soaked. And I think that's something to be said for something in life.
No matter where you are, what you are, what you're doing. When a fly drops six inches a pussy is gonna get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aonlh9/theres_this_forest_and_in_this_forest_there_is_a/
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Cop: “Sir, how high are you?”

“5’11.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aonjrk/cop_sir_how_high_are_you/
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Child: Dad, how high is this building?

Building: If I’m already built, why am I called a building?
Dad: Pretty damn high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aonj8q/child_dad_how_high_is_this_building/
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I went to get a vasectomy...

.. because I didn't want children. But when I got home, they were still there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aone16/i_went_to_get_a_vasectomy/
%
Two termites walk into a bar and ask

Is the bar tender here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aond71/two_termites_walk_into_a_bar_and_ask/
%
I asked my girlfriend how many kids she wants and she said one of each gender.

I don't know how were going to raise 57 kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoncxm/i_asked_my_girlfriend_how_many_kids_she_wants_and/
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The electrician is married to his job

He loves it so much, that you could say between them, sparks fly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aon9bg/the_electrician_is_married_to_his_job/
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What do you need for a movie about broken bones?

An awesome cast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aon6wy/what_do_you_need_for_a_movie_about_broken_bones/
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The Mexican president has a rare cancer of the brain and is in need of a brain transplant. His only option is a risky new procedure that his doctor recently perfected.

He now has to “shop” for his brain.
“Sir, as this is a new procedure, our pool of brains you can choose from is rather small. Prices of the brains will vary,” said the doctor.
“Okay, show me what you’ve got. I have an important job, so I’ll need the best brain,” replies the president.
“A South Korean brain will cost you $80,000.”
The Mexican president widens his eyes in shock at the price. But then thinks that yes, the Koreans are smart people. It is quite understandable that a brain from there would be costly.
“A brain from China would cost $15.000,” the doc continued, “an American one would cost $2,500, and las-“
“HAH!” The president interrupted. “And those dumb Americans are always looking down on us. Look at their cheap ass brains!” The Mexican president smirks to himself.
“As I was saying,” continued the doctor, “ lastly, a Mexican brain would cost $150,000.”
Immediately, the president’s chest swells with pride, thinking what great minds his country has.
“I’ll take the Mexican brain!” He exclaims, almost with a tear in his eye.
After the operation, when the president is recovering, he begins to wonder and asks how the brains were priced.
“Ah, you see, China has no shortage of brains from people getting terminated for unknown reasons. However, censorship and propaganda limits and degrades the brain somewhat. Hence the lower price. The Americans gorge their minds on social media, low quality entertainment and useless things like conspiracy theories. This combination really harms their brains, and the nonsense their president spouts also exacerbates this,” the doc adds with a slight smile.
“What about Mexican brains? They’re the most expensive and therefore the best, right?”
“Yes. They are the freshest minds with the most potential because most of them have never been used and are good as new.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aon334/the_mexican_president_has_a_rare_cancer_of_the/
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What’s brown and sticky?

... a stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aomwrw/whats_brown_and_sticky/
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aomwmd/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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I used to be a phone sex operator...

But I got hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aomt0x/i_used_to_be_a_phone_sex_operator/
%
If Eminem was a mathematician,

he would only diss-a-point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoms1y/if_eminem_was_a_mathematician/
%
What did one orphan say to another?

"Robin, get in the batmobile!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aompp5/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_another/
%
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

a doberman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aomono/whats_black_and_brown_and_looks_good_on_a_lawyer/
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What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?

Guaca-mole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aomnc6/what_can_you_make_with_602_x_1023_avocados/
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I talked to my Republican parents about immigration.

The conversation really went south.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aomgcx/i_talked_to_my_republican_parents_about/
%
I called a Chinese friend of mine to ask how he was doing while he was visiting his family back in China.

He said he couldn’t complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aomayz/i_called_a_chinese_friend_of_mine_to_ask_how_he/
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My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize! Why would anyone pick on you?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aom9vd/my_son_is_starting_school_soon_and_thinks_the/
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My wife looked me in the eyes and said "honey, they're not wrinkles, or old age, they're laughter lines."

Nicest thing anyone's ever said about my scrotum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aom956/my_wife_looked_me_in_the_eyes_and_said_honey/
%
Did you hear about the bird that carried a leek?

Never mind, its too Farfetch'd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aom29w/did_you_hear_about_the_bird_that_carried_a_leek/
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Two nuns went to shop at the market. They were taking so long so one said

- Sister Mary it is getting dark and we are so far away from the convent.
- I know Sister Rose but there is a man following us.
- Oh! What does he want.
- To rape us.
- What can we do.
- Let's separate. You go left and I will go right.
- He followed Sister Rose.
- Sister Mary reached the convent and was worried.
- After an hour Sister Rose appeared.
- What happed?
- I started to run and so did he.
- And then?
- Ge caught up with me.
- Oh my God. And what did you do.
- I lifted up my dress.
- Sister! And what did he do.
- Dropped his pants.
- And then?
- Its obvious isn't it.
- A nun with her dress lifted up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoly10/two_nuns_went_to_shop_at_the_market_they_were/
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I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aolw1b/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_confused/
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Women belong in the kitchen...

...men belong in the kitchen, everyone belongs in the kitchen. The kitchen has food!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aolqsa/women_belong_in_the_kitchen/
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I think 6:30 is the best time.

Hands down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoloxw/i_think_630_is_the_best_time/
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You’d think Ocasio-Cortez would support global warming...

Given how much she hates ICE and all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoloeq/youd_think_ocasiocortez_would_support_global/
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What do The Titanic and the movie Sixth Sense have in common?

Icey dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aolobl/what_do_the_titanic_and_the_movie_sixth_sense/
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Why do asians hate arguing with me

Because I’m white and they’re always wong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aollw0/why_do_asians_hate_arguing_with_me/
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A guy posts a sign needing to hire someone that can type 60 wpm, use a computer and is bilingual

This dog walks in"Woof!"
The man says "What? You going to apply for this job?"
The dog says "Woof!" Walks to the sign, grabs it and puts it in the man's lap.
The man says "Alright...but can you type 60 wpm?"
The dog "Woof!" Walks to the typewriter and commences to typing perfectly, 60 wpm with no errors. The man is impressed and says "There is no way you can operate a computer though."
The dog "Woof! Woof!" Walks to the computer and operates it perfectly. The man then says "There is no way you are bilingual"
The dog immediately jumps up on the chair, sits on his haunches and goes "MEOW!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aollbx/a_guy_posts_a_sign_needing_to_hire_someone_that/
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Everyone looks for certain type of friends as they go thru life

When you're in your teens, it's the kid who can drive first.
When you're in your 20s, it's the shady guy that can get whatever you want but you dont how he does it.
When you're in 30s & 40s, it's your lawyer friend to help you out when in need.
When you're in your 50s & 60s, you want to have as many doctor friends as possible.
When you're in your 80s and above, it's the kid with car again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aolkbg/everyone_looks_for_certain_type_of_friends_as/
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Dad: I don't trust those trees son.

Son: why not dad?
Dad: I don't know, they seem kinda shady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoli9r/dad_i_dont_trust_those_trees_son/
%
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

They become VERY ANGRY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoli7x/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
%
If you’re ever feeling useless

Remember the “ueue” in “queue”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aolf64/if_youre_ever_feeling_useless/
%
Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aolej5/two_goldfish_are_in_a_tank/
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Every year, Murray entered the state lottery hoping to win...

He never did.
One day, after praying vigorously and hoping for God's message, he headed out to the State Fair. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Liz's carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 written on each of her butt cheeks. He bet on 77 as he thought God had given him a sign. He lost Again. The winning number was 707.
Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aol89u/every_year_murray_entered_the_state_lottery/
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What do you call a bike trail for crazy people?

A cycle path

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aol7k2/what_do_you_call_a_bike_trail_for_crazy_people/
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I'm Friends With 24 Letters Of The Alphabet..

I Don’t Know U And I Don’t Know Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aol63b/im_friends_with_24_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
What do rich, blind, Asians drive?

Cataracts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aol53q/what_do_rich_blind_asians_drive/
%
My therapist told me to write letters to all the people I hate and then burn them.

I don’t know what to do with all these letters now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aol1m6/my_therapist_told_me_to_write_letters_to_all_the/
%
I keep asking people what LGBT means

I can never get a straight answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aol1lg/i_keep_asking_people_what_lgbt_means/
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Do you want to hear a chemistry joke?

You might not like it though because last time I got no reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aol1cf/do_you_want_to_hear_a_chemistry_joke/
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Sneaking back in.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “guys.” I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”
Well, the hours passed and the shots went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her.
(Even totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her “MIDNIGHT”… she didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then she said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked her why, she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh \*\*\*\*” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aol19a/sneaking_back_in/
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I’m starting to suspect my neighbor is a communist.

He just puts up a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aokzlc/im_starting_to_suspect_my_neighbor_is_a_communist/
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Last year I entered a marathon.

The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied, "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aokycx/last_year_i_entered_a_marathon/
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A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar

The bartender looks up and says “what is this some kind of joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aokx2v/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot

Shit! I was gonna eat that! You know I am allergic to carrots!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aokvvc/i_caught_my_sister_masturbating_with_a_carrot/
%
My wife said I mixed up my viagra with my knee pain meds. I insisted I hadn't, but it turns out after taking them that she was right.

I stand erected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aokvhr/my_wife_said_i_mixed_up_my_viagra_with_my_knee/
%
Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aokts9/playing_doctors_and_nurses_with_the_wife_in_the/
%
Pavlov walks into a bar.

The bartender's phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aokmrq/pavlov_walks_into_a_bar/
%
There are three types of people in this world

People who can count
People who can't count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoklzs/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.
"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."
Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.
But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?"
Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach."
Stevie replies, "Midnight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aokjz9/at_a_celebrity_party_stevie_wonder_meets_golf/
%
I farted on the bus.

Some guy tapped my shoulder and said,
“Better watch your back. I just heard some asshole talking shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aokeg5/i_farted_on_the_bus/
%
I have come out as transfinancial

I am a rich person born into a poor person's body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aokdcw/i_have_come_out_as_transfinancial/
%
What is Thanos favorite form of social media

SNAPchat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aokc7e/what_is_thanos_favorite_form_of_social_media/
%
Why cant a nose be 12 inches long?

Because it's not a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aokbsp/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches_long/
%
Ladies call me Subway...

because I’ve got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aok4cf/ladies_call_me_subway/
%
Guys, I think my son's a drug dealer...

I got him a Fitbit for Christmas and he gets 10,000 steps every night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aojtma/guys_i_think_my_sons_a_drug_dealer/
%
Bill Cosby sure loved pudding.

Pudding his dick where it didn’t belong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aojrp0/bill_cosby_sure_loved_pudding/
%
Told my nephew the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant saved up for winter while the grasshopper didn't. I asked my nephew at the end of the story Me:What is the moral of the story?

Nephew: You should never live in a Fall's sense of security

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aojp1w/told_my_nephew_the_story_of_the_grasshopper_and/
%
When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick...

They’re like “ooh I want to see it”
But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aojnwl/when_i_tell_women_about_my_12_donkey_dick/
%
I don't trust stairs

They're up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aojkip/i_dont_trust_stairs/
%
What do boobs and the sun have in common?

You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aojigx/what_do_boobs_and_the_sun_have_in_common/
%
I asked a nun friend of mine if I could kiss her ...

She said yes.
A few days later, she let me kiss her again.
The next time I saw her, I asked if I could french kiss her.
She hesitated, then said "Well, okay" so we frenched and it was amazing.
After that, I asked if I could french her again, and maybe touch her.
From there, the next time, it was french kissing and feeling her tits through her clothes.
The time after that, after french kissing and caressing her for a while, I asked if we could take it a step further. After all, we had a steady progression going.
She said, "No, I don't want you getting in the habit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoji07/i_asked_a_nun_friend_of_mine_if_i_could_kiss_her/
%
If the Swan symbolizes happiness, then what bird symbolizes True Love?

The Swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aojgzk/if_the_swan_symbolizes_happiness_then_what_bird/
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What did one beaver say to the other beaver when he fell in the river?

Dammit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aojgpk/what_did_one_beaver_say_to_the_other_beaver_when/
%
I saw an atom lose its electron

He really should keep an ion them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoj5i1/i_saw_an_atom_lose_its_electron/
%
My German girlfriend likes to rate my in-bed performance from 0-10

Last night we tried anal, she kept yelling 9. That's the best I’ve ever done!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoj1v4/my_german_girlfriend_likes_to_rate_my_inbed/
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Policeman: “Why didn’t you report that your credit card’s been stolen?”

Man: “The thief was spending less than my wife.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoj19b/policeman_why_didnt_you_report_that_your_credit/
%
My buddy got me the clapper for my birthday....

Now every time my wife and i have sex its like a rave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoizav/my_buddy_got_me_the_clapper_for_my_birthday/
%
I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoiwb4/i_just_had_a_near_sex_experience/
%
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Have them pronounce “unionized”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoiw7h/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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People say that there is always one wierd person on the bus, but I don't get it.

I travel by bus everyday and I never see any wierd people. Everyone looks normal. It doesn't matter how long I stare at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoiuxt/people_say_that_there_is_always_one_wierd_person/
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A doctor and an Engineer loved the same girl

The doctor gave her a rose everyday while the engineer gave her an apple. One day, the girl got confused and asked the engineer,
"The rose has a meaning but why do you give an apple everyday?"
The engineer replied,
"Why? An apple a day keeps the doctor away!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aois8w/a_doctor_and_an_engineer_loved_the_same_girl/
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A navy crew aboard a submarine are called by their initials...

A new recruit joins the crew, his name Ben Olivander.  His crew-mates consist of Fredrick Udell, Collin Kilmer, Oscar Chase, and Owen Omar Faber.
BO is quickly made fun of by OC,  although FU, CK, and OOF enjoy BO’s company as he is funny and kind.  Due to this, OC is somewhat outcasted on board and nobody likes him.
The captain later comes in as OC is complaining  about his poor treatment.
“BO, FU, CK, and OOF, why are you guys so rude to one of our members!”
“Why doesn’t anyone on this sub like OC!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoiloo/a_navy_crew_aboard_a_submarine_are_called_by/
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Just after my wife had given birth I asked the doctor how long until we can have sex?

He winked at me and said he'll meet me in the parking lot just as soon as this joke gets reposted again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoijl2/just_after_my_wife_had_given_birth_i_asked_the/
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How do pirates spell Thicc?

With seven Cs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoiibh/how_do_pirates_spell_thicc/
%
Went to the zoo to find a baguette caged

They said it was bread for captivity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoicmx/went_to_the_zoo_to_find_a_baguette_caged/
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How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoic5s/how_many_divorced_men_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Teacher : Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".

Student : I is the ...
Teacher : Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student : OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoibxd/teacher_tell_me_a_sentence_that_starts_with_an_i/
%
Ill always remember my grandads last words.

'Stop shaking the fucking ladder you useless bitch'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoias5/ill_always_remember_my_grandads_last_words/
%
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns  to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he  talks, the dumber he gets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoiagg/a_mother_and_father_took_their_6yearold_son_to_a/
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Why was 10 afraid

Because it was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoi9ht/why_was_10_afraid/
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You go through 4 stages in life:

1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoi7sq/you_go_through_4_stages_in_life/
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Why was the protein powder maker never satisfied with his work?

He always kept looking for new wheys to improve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoi5q3/why_was_the_protein_powder_maker_never_satisfied/
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Rihanna: Whips and chains excite me.

Her Ancestors: Dude, what the fuck?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoi33a/rihanna_whips_and_chains_excite_me/
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What law do most mathematicians break?

...They drink and derive.
*Baddum tss*
Thank you, thank you! I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoi1lb/what_law_do_most_mathematicians_break/
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Battery salesmen are the best.

They always have the most energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoi0tp/battery_salesmen_are_the_best/
%
I was having anal with my girlfriend when the phone rang

Wife: Where are you?
Me: Um, in deep shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoi0df/i_was_having_anal_with_my_girlfriend_when_the/
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Why is it so hard to be a plumber or mechanic in Soviet Russia?

Because you aren’t allowed to change anything about the system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohycj/why_is_it_so_hard_to_be_a_plumber_or_mechanic_in/
%
The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohxlo/the_wife_said_bulls_can_engage_in_sexual_activity/
%
What do you call the patient zero for HIV

First aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohs2c/what_do_you_call_the_patient_zero_for_hiv/
%
What part of the body hurts the most when it snaps?

Thanos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohr3q/what_part_of_the_body_hurts_the_most_when_it_snaps/
%
What do you call a thankful German piece of internet content?

Danke, meme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohq7y/what_do_you_call_a_thankful_german_piece_of/
%
Writing books is like prostitution!

First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.
Moliere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohpwk/writing_books_is_like_prostitution/
%
An American Priest and a British Man Walk into a Bar

The priest turns to the man and asks, “What do you do for a living?”
The man replies, “I’m a hooker.”
The priest fearing the worst asks, “What does that mean?”
The man replies, “Well father, I ruck big men, and play with balls.”
The priest replies, “So you’re a homosexual?”
The man laughs and says, “No I’m a rugby player”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohpht/an_american_priest_and_a_british_man_walk_into_a/
%
What does Bill Cosby and a dentist have in common?

They knock you out before they drill your cavity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohmm5/what_does_bill_cosby_and_a_dentist_have_in_common/
%
Billy Bob and Joe Junior are out hunting.

A rattle snake bites Joe Junior on the dick.
So Billy Bob phones 911. He says "Help me please.  My friend has been bitten by a rattle snake."
The operator says "Okay.  What I need you to do is put your mouth on the wound and suck out the poison."
So Joe Junior says "What did he say?  What did he say?"
Billy Bob says "He says you gonna die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohm4o/billy_bob_and_joe_junior_are_out_hunting/
%
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again

I think it might be comatoast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohll1/i_put_some_bread_in_the_toaster_this_morning_but/
%
What did the cement say to the sign?

I'll keep you posted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohhuj/what_did_the_cement_say_to_the_sign/
%
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar.

The bartender walks to them and ask "what is the joke about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohg3u/an_atheist_a_vegan_and_a_cross_fitter_walk_into_a/
%
People always ask me what I will be doing one year from now and I always tell them I don’t know.

Its not like I have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohd2z/people_always_ask_me_what_i_will_be_doing_one/
%
I used to be afraid of hurdles

I eventually got over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohb6k/i_used_to_be_afraid_of_hurdles/
%
This guy Arty....

So there was this guy Arty. Arty always wanted to be in the mafia. This was his dream since he was young. Henry Hill was his role model. Arty had watched every mafia movie known to man, he was just waiting for the day to meet them and get in.
One day Arty sees 4 mafia members sitting around a table. Arty was a scrawny dude, but he had balls. He went up to the table and said "my name is Arty and I want to be in the mafia, I'll do whatever it takes"
They all looked at each other, then looked at Arty and started laughing. The  leader then said, "alright kid, we'll give you a shot. But you have to prove yourself as a professional. We will pay you 1 dollar to kill 3 people, that dollar will be your formal invite into our group"
Arty was happy they gave him a shot, but he has never killed anyone before. He responds "alright can I think about it?"
To which they say "you will have till tomorrow morning to complete the task, if we see it in the headlines, then we will know you completed it, if not, it'll be as if we never met"
Arty say ok.
On his way home Arty stops at the grocery store to pick up some things. It's kinda late, so the store is mostly empty. As Arty is walking around , he sees a frail woman. He thinks to himself maybe this is my shot. So he takes it. He wraps his hands around her throat, she doesn't seem to be fighting back so he just squeezes until she dies.
Arty doesn't think anyone saw so he just goes about his business shopping, however he notices another woman following him. He thinks she must have seen it, so he attacks. He grabs a cast iron skillet from the kitchen aisle and wacks her in the head. She hits the ground and starts bleeding, but she is still moving. Arty has to finish the job, so he sits on her chest and chokes her until she is no longer moving.
At this point Arty has to get out of there. He heads to the exit but there is an employee there waiting for him. He knows he has to kill him and get out ASAP. So they start fighting, and it's dead even. Eventually Arty gets the upper hand and puts the employee in a headlock and just holds it until the guy is no longer breathing. He did it, he killed three people, now he just has to get home.
As he exits the store, the police are already outside waiting for him, and Arty knows he's fucked up. He gets taken to jail, and the next day the headline reads...
"ARTY CHOKES 3, FOR 1 DOLLAR, AT LOCAL GROCERY STORE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aohap3/this_guy_arty/
%
(NSFW)A little boy spotted two dogs having sex.

"Dad, dad! What are they doing!?"
"Well son, they are making a puppy."
Later that night the boy walked in on his parents having sex.
"Dad, dad! What are you doing?"
"We're making a baby!"
"Turn her over dad, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoh94c/nsfwa_little_boy_spotted_two_dogs_having_sex/
%
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One lives in the outback, and one is a Scotsman stuck in a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoh88p/whats_the_difference_between_a_kangaroo_and_a/
%
What's a Lesbian's favourite type of flooring?

Tounge in Groove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoh7g6/whats_a_lesbians_favourite_type_of_flooring/
%
My wife wouldn't stop making fun of me for my sense of direction.

So I packed up and Right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoh7fl/my_wife_wouldnt_stop_making_fun_of_me_for_my/
%
The sexual position “reverse cowgirl” has been outlawed in West Virginia.

They claim turning your back on family is very insulting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoh5q7/the_sexual_position_reverse_cowgirl_has_been/
%
Why aren't there any pro-anti-vaxx jokes on Reddit?

Cause one year olds can't type.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoh436/why_arent_there_any_proantivaxx_jokes_on_reddit/
%
What did the buddhist monk say when he walked up to the hot dog stand?

"Make me one with everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoguod/what_did_the_buddhist_monk_say_when_he_walked_up/
%
What do you call a mermaid prostitutes?

Water Hose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aogruf/what_do_you_call_a_mermaid_prostitutes/
%
My friend told me that I must be autistic for not vaccinating my children.

It's such a shame that people still don't know how autism works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aogqjo/my_friend_told_me_that_i_must_be_autistic_for_not/
%
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aogpka/i_have_a_russian_friend_whos_a_sound_technician/
%
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aognnp/just_after_my_wife_had_given_birth_i_asked_the/
%
Netflix tried to get the Jeffrey Dahmer tapes...

...but it was going to cost them an arm *and* a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aogau0/netflix_tried_to_get_the_jeffrey_dahmer_tapes/
%
People complain a lot about dealing with erectile dysfunction

But it's not exactly hard, is it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aog97k/people_complain_a_lot_about_dealing_with_erectile/
%
I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking

Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aog7qh/i_was_watching_a_porno_the_other_day_and_it_was/
%
Got my wife with the greatest dadjoke yet

She was talking about something and I got the rare chance to interrupt her by saying "Hi leaving and taking the kids due to these stupid jokes, I'm dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aog7q5/got_my_wife_with_the_greatest_dadjoke_yet/
%
Today I donated a watch, a phone and my wallet to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him putting his gun back in his pocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aog74y/today_i_donated_a_watch_a_phone_and_my_wallet_to/
%
Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

**He pasta way.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aog51c/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that_died/
%
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

**but none of them work.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aog4ww/i_know_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
Which was the best Donald Trump joke that you heard?

For me
Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.
They are lined up in front of three doors. The first is opened to reveal a swarm of wasps and mosquitoes. Satan's voice booms "Mr. Obama you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these vile creations!" And with that, Obama is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.
Clinton and Trump are now terrified. The second door opens, and it reveals a room filled with angry rabid dogs and badgers. Satan's voice booms again "Mr. Clinton you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these ghastly beasts!" And with that, Clinton is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.
Trump is now wetting himself. The final door opens, but instead of there being anything horrific, Trump sees the most drop-dead gorgeous young woman he has ever laid eyes on, with perfect skin, a stunning face, and thick flowing hair. Satan's voice booms one final time "Mrs. Samson you have sinned…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aog4dd/which_was_the_best_donald_trump_joke_that_you/
%
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering,
"Switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aofuce/a_math_professor_john_is_having_problems_with_his/
%
What did the Sadist say to the Masochist when the Masochist said, “Hurt me, hurt me please!”

“No”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aofua0/what_did_the_sadist_say_to_the_masochist_when_the/
%
Bought my wife a "Get Better Soon" card...

She's not sick or anything, I just think she could be better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aofu5c/bought_my_wife_a_get_better_soon_card/
%
Finding love on valentine's day

Is the equivalent to finding santa at Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoft6l/finding_love_on_valentines_day/
%
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aofrlk/barbara_walters_once_did_a_story_on_gender_roles/
%
There was once a zoo with only a single dog in it

It was a Shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aofrj8/there_was_once_a_zoo_with_only_a_single_dog_in_it/
%
A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:
Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.
We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."
Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.
P.S. Please send another moose along with the first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aofpl4/a_zookeeper_wishes_to_buy_some_new_animals_from/
%
A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aofouj/a_man_runs_out_of_petrol/
%
Chivalry is dead

Let me tell you why, yesterday I brought coffee in bed to a girl, instead of saying
"Thank you, you are so kind!", she said
"How did you get in here? I'm calling the police".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aofmab/chivalry_is_dead/
%
Fighting Hard

lol cancer is so easy to beat i am already at stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoflaf/fighting_hard/
%
My grandfather is great at Russian roulette

He only lost once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aofkix/my_grandfather_is_great_at_russian_roulette/
%
A man walks into a bar

and gets talking to the bartender. The bar tender tells him that a genie had stopped in town and was in the other room granting wishes to those who asked him, but to be careful what he wished for.
The man rushed into the other room where there was a man playing the piano who couldn’t have been more than a foot tall and, like the bartender had said, where the genie was sitting. He thought of what he wanted and said to genie: “Genie, give me a million quid”
The genie replied, “As you wish”, and the man rushed out to the front bar, eager to finish his drink and check his bank account.
As he gets to the bar he looks out the window and sees squid falling from the sky.
“I think your genie is hard of hearing” said the man, furious and confused.
“You’re telling me”, the bartender replied. “You really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aofg8r/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The creator of winrar is arrested

His trial is expected to last forever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aofcpu/the_creator_of_winrar_is_arrested/
%
A girlfriend is like a good US president

I’d love to have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aofaxu/a_girlfriend_is_like_a_good_us_president/
%
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?”, responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aof85b/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey_orders/
%
Feeling like a cake right now

Baked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aof83p/feeling_like_a_cake_right_now/
%
One day, my parents told me about the birds and the bees

"Son" they said, "birds do it, bees do it, so it's completely fine and natural for you to do it too. It's nothing to be ashamed of"
They were of course referring to my unfortunate habit of running face-first into windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aof39f/one_day_my_parents_told_me_about_the_birds_and/
%
The CEO of Capital One was gonna run for president but has since withdrew his candidacy.

Apparently they asked people how likely they were to vote for him but there was.......
0% interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aof18w/the_ceo_of_capital_one_was_gonna_run_for/
%
What do you call a bee that was born in the States?

A USB...
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoezjn/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_was_born_in_the_states/
%
I cannot understanf why Marvel haven't put advertisements on the Hulk...

... He is essentially a giant banner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoew3a/i_cannot_understanf_why_marvel_havent_put/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Doorbell repairman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoevva/knock_knock/
%
A guy sits next to me on the train.

He pulls out a photo of his wife, and says, "Isn't she beautiful?!"
I replied, "Of course, but maybe you should see my girlfriend.
"Really? Is she a stunner?" he asked.
"No, she's an optician."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoem2i/a_guy_sits_next_to_me_on_the_train/
%
What type of criminal doesn't like breakfast?

A cereal killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoeifk/what_type_of_criminal_doesnt_like_breakfast/
%
Why cant dinosours clap?

Because they're all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoedr1/why_cant_dinosours_clap/
%
Don't try to change the shape of 2-sided polygons.

Let bigons be bigons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoecdl/dont_try_to_change_the_shape_of_2sided_polygons/
%
At first I didn’t believe that my girlfriend was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees...

... but then I saw her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoe9oj/at_first_i_didnt_believe_that_my_girlfriend_was/
%
They say you are what you eat.

Which is funny, because I’m a communist and I don’t remember eating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoe6hc/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
Yesterday I ate a clock

It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoe5es/yesterday_i_ate_a_clock/
%
v

​
Sorry, I think my ctrl key is broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoe1u8/v/
%
Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aodp2j/why_did_the_cannibal_take_a_jar_of_peanut_butter/
%
A guy walks into the dentist,

Dentist asks “when was the last time you flossed?”
The guy responds “you should remember doc, you were there!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aodnmc/a_guy_walks_into_the_dentist/
%
What should you say when your girlfriend thinks your D is small.

Tell her small things are a choking hazard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aodnio/what_should_you_say_when_your_girlfriend_thinks/
%
"This is not fair!"

said the Russian guy who got bad directions to the fair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aodjrk/this_is_not_fair/
%
[NSFW] What did his father say when Elton came out as gay?

Don't let my son go down on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aodhmz/nsfw_what_did_his_father_say_when_elton_came_out/
%
A German tourist visiting the US went into a bar and asked for a martini

“Dry?” asked the bartender.                              The German replied, “Nein, just one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aod98d/a_german_tourist_visiting_the_us_went_into_a_bar/
%
Do you all have time for a the joke about the world's fastest cruise ship?

Don't worry, it's a quick one liner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aod7yf/do_you_all_have_time_for_a_the_joke_about_the/
%
What's the difference between condoms and money?

Nothing, they're both in you wallet until you're with a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aod4uv/whats_the_difference_between_condoms_and_money/
%
A man is sitting in a bar with his head down looking upset.

“Bartender: What’s the matter buddy?
Man: It’s the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.
Bartender: Oh man that really sucks! What did you do?
Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out!
Bartender: What about your best friend?
Man: I looked him straight in the eyes and said BAD DOG!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aocvhl/a_man_is_sitting_in_a_bar_with_his_head_down/
%
Why did the condom fly across the room?

It was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aocpgp/why_did_the_condom_fly_across_the_room/
%
What do a haystack and an anti-vaxxer’s kid have in common?

It’s rare to find a needle in either of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aock65/what_do_a_haystack_and_an_antivaxxers_kid_have_in/
%
There was a famous Mexican magician.

His name was Gustavo. His signature trick is he would say "Uno, dos," and *poof*! He would disappear without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aochu7/there_was_a_famous_mexican_magician/
%
I trapped a bunch of vegans in my basement

I’m not actually sure if If they’re vegans, but they keep shouting “lettuce leaf!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aocg8f/i_trapped_a_bunch_of_vegans_in_my_basement/
%
We're expecting 6-12 inches this weekend.

Depends on how many guys show up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aocf9y/were_expecting_612_inches_this_weekend/
%
I like eating pussy for breakfast...

...some people like their eggs scrambled, but I like them ovaries-ey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoccxx/i_like_eating_pussy_for_breakfast/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoc8ln/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
You know the problem with political jokes?

Sometimes they get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aobzet/you_know_the_problem_with_political_jokes/
%
One day a bus of about 30 people die in a car crash

Once they get to heaven god says,”Since you all died in such a tragic way I will grant you one wish before I let you into heaven.” Well the first woman walks up and says,”God I wish to be beautiful.” So God made her stunningly beautiful. The next man doesn’t really know what to wish for so he wishes for stunning beauty to, so God made him stunning as well. Well right after he is made beautiful the man in the back of the line chuckled. So one by one they all wish to be beautiful, and the man continues to laugh and chuckle as each person wishes for beauty. Then the man in front of the guy that’s chuckling wishes for beauty to, and the final guy laughs hysterically. Finally once the last guy reaches God he says,”I wish they were all ugly again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aobwbh/one_day_a_bus_of_about_30_people_die_in_a_car/
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There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”
“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”
“And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aobvwl/theres_a_guy_sitting_at_a_bar_just_looking_at_his/
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If life gives you melons ...

You’re probably dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aobsoy/if_life_gives_you_melons/
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What do you call a big ape that likes to barbecue?

A grilla’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aobnck/what_do_you_call_a_big_ape_that_likes_to_barbecue/
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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender goes “Wow I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aobmk1/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_goes_wow/
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Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?

No? Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aobgw1/have_you_ever_tried_ethiopian_food/
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A kid asks his mom, "how was I born?"

The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fucked without a condom.
And that's how you were born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aobeds/a_kid_asks_his_mom_how_was_i_born/
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NSFW/ A white guy is waiting in an elevator and a big black guy walks in on the next floor

The white guy stares and is astonished by how big this dude is. The black guy notices him staring. A minute goes by and the black guy says, “6’ 8”....... 280........ 13 inches...... Turner Brown”.
The white guy passes out and falls on the ground.
He is awoken by the black guy asking if he is okay.
The white guy goes, “Why would you say that out of nowhere?”
The black guy says, “People always ask me how tall I am, how much I weigh, how big my dick is and what my name is”.
The white guy goes, “Oh, thank God. I thought you said turn around”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aobdla/nsfw_a_white_guy_is_waiting_in_an_elevator_and_a/
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Why did the marketer use gametes in his ads?

Because sex cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aobcu7/why_did_the_marketer_use_gametes_in_his_ads/
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Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."

Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aobbdp/jeff_bezos_alexa_send_nudes_to_my_secret_admirer/
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Why is it dangerous to do math in the jungle?

Because if you add 4 plus 4, you get ate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aob8kt/why_is_it_dangerous_to_do_math_in_the_jungle/
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A man is driving down a road when he sees a wandering man with his thumb out

Being the nice person he was, he pulled over and let the man in.
“Aww, thank you! I’ve been out there for about 2 hours just with my suitcase!”
They got to talking, and eventually the man got to his stop.
“Thank you, and I never told you what was in my suitcase. Come on out of your car and let me show you as payment.”
They stepped out the car when the man opened his suit case. It opened up to a totally different world. It had almost everything you could possibly want in there.
“Wow!” exclaimed the Driver. “So what’s my payment?”
The man laughed and said, “You can choose whatever you want!”
The driver walked around. There were different lines for different things, dog lines that had all kinds of dog breeds, book lines that had every book that every existed, a game line for every game that ever existed, but the man knew what he wanted. He looked up and down but could not find his item. Eventually he went back to the man and asked him where his item was.
“I can’t find my favorite Kool-Aid flavor I loved. I had it once as a kid but can’t find it anywhere!”
The man shook his head and told him, “I’m sorry, but there is no punchline.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aob7vv/a_man_is_driving_down_a_road_when_he_sees_a/
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I’ve never owned a proper scientific telescope.

It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aob6m6/ive_never_owned_a_proper_scientific_telescope/
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An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.
"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.
He approaches the farmer.
"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.
The man gets back in the car.
"Well, where are we?" the wife asks.
"I don't know," the man says. "He doesn't speak English."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aob5gd/an_american_couple_travelling_through_canada_get/
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(NSFW) Three men and a bed

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there is only one room with only one bed. Since it's the only motel in town, the guys decide to share the bed. They get to their room, squeeze in, and fall asleep.
The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says, "I had the craziest dream about getting the best handjob of my life."
The guy on the right side says, "That's incredible - I had the same dream!"
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "Wow, I had the weirdest dream!" The other two guys nod their heads in anticipation.
"I was cross-country skiing really, really fast..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aob3sq/nsfw_three_men_and_a_bed/
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I told my girlfriend that when I die, I want her to take my ashes, mix them with a bowl of chilly from Wendy’s and eat it.

That way, I can tear up that ass one last time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoaz1y/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_when_i_die_i_want_her/
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But the time traveler didn’t get hired

A time traveler went to an interview to get a job . . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoaogx/but_the_time_traveler_didnt_get_hired/
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Old lady decides to be a prostitute to complement her income

Arriving home, she counts the profit with her husband:
- Its U$100,50.
- Honey, who gave you 50 cents?
- What do you mean "who gave me 50 cents"?! Everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoanno/old_lady_decides_to_be_a_prostitute_to_complement/
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Like my dad said: "variety is the spice of life"

And he would say that every god damn day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoal8v/like_my_dad_said_variety_is_the_spice_of_life/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoakdo/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
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What not to do

Job interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years’ time Mr Jeffries?"
Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoajs0/what_not_to_do/
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3 Nuns [Long]

Three nuns were kicking around the convent one day, doing nun things such as praising the lord and disapproving of pop music when one nun said
"RIGHT.  I'm sick of being a nun, I want to quit" the other two nuns agreed, being a nun is rubbish, and skipped off singing to Mother Superiors office.
the first nun charges in and says "that's us, we're done being nuns, we'd like to quit and we'd like to know how we do that."
Mother Superior is upset but understands and says "Well sisters this life isn't for everyone, to quit you need to do go and do something unholy and come back to see me at the chapel first thing tomorrow."
So the three nuns skip off singing to do their unholy deeds
First thing the next morning Mother Superior opens the chapel door and sees the first nun
"Ah come in Maria, come in.  What did you do that was unholy?"
She replies "I stood outside the shops with my new homies drinking cheap wine and smashing the bottles at peoples feet"
Mother Superior says "Oh my that's shocking, take a drink of holy water and leave"
Mother Superior opens the chapel door and sees the second nun
"Ah come in Maria, come in.  What did you do that was unholy?"
She replies "I pushed a wee boy off his bike and took it to the scrap merchants, I feel terrible but I'm up £20"
Mother Superior says "Oh my that's shocking, take a drink of holy water and leave"
Mother Superior opens the chapel door and sees the third nun
"Ah come in Maria, come in.  What did you do that was unholy?"
She replies "I pissed in the holy water"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoaenl/3_nuns_long/
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People could never make 'Blazing Saddles' nowadays.

If you gave the script to a movie studio, they'd say, "This is the script for 'Blazing Saddles,' why are you giving this to me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoac0w/people_could_never_make_blazing_saddles_nowadays/
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What's the difference between a man and a child?

The child can be left alone with the babysitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoabre/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_and_a_child/
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And They Say There Aren't Any Gentlemen Around Anymore

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I am opening the door for you because I am a gentleman."
Wife: "I AM TAKING A SHIT, YOU MORON!"
Me: "Ok, m'lady."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aoa3al/and_they_say_there_arent_any_gentlemen_around/
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What do you call a stupid fish?

Dumbass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao9yo2/what_do_you_call_a_stupid_fish/
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Have you heard of Mussolini's herbal locomotive fuel?

He made the trains run on thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao9v4n/have_you_heard_of_mussolinis_herbal_locomotive/
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What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

Nice fucking belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao9sx8/what_did_the_number_0_say_to_the_number_8/
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3 explorers went exploring in the Amazon where they got captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibal tribe informed them that they were all going to be eaten, and their skin used for canoes, but he let them choose how they were to die.
“I’d like to be shot in the head. Quick and painless” the first explorer said. He was shot, skinned, and eaten.
“I’d like to be beheaded” said the second. They cut off his head, skinned him, and ate him.
The third explorer puffed out his chest and confidently said “I’d like to die by the fork”. The chief was not aware of this method and asked him to demonstrate. So the explorer grabbed a fork from his bag and commenced to stab himself all over the place. “Ha! There goes your canoe!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao9std/3_explorers_went_exploring_in_the_amazon_where/
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14...14...14

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were outside shouting ,'14....14....14'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little hole in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '15....15....15'...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao9sod/141414/
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Just a few days after me and ex-girlfriend broke up, she sent me a text saying "You've still got a friend in me."

So I replied "I know. That's why we broke up. And don't call him my friend!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao9psd/just_a_few_days_after_me_and_exgirlfriend_broke/
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A man and his wife are arguing, the man says it's going to rain, the woman says it isn't.

"Let's ask Rudolph, the communist police officer"says the man
"It might, the sky is pretty cloudy" says the policeman
The man turns to his wife and says:
"See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao9odu/a_man_and_his_wife_are_arguing_the_man_says_its/
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My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her crutches

Guess she couldn't stand to leave me after all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao9k1n/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_took_her/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered six offender
(Edit: six is funnier than sex)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao9iom/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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Anagram

Son : Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?
Dad: Because your mom loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram for Easter.
Son: Thanks for the explanation Dad!
Dad: You are welcome, Alan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao9cb1/anagram/
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I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it..

... It was a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao99fw/i_went_to_the_zoo_the_other_day_there_was_only/
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Sex is like an investment

You aim to pull out at the last second but if you fail you’ve lost a lot of money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao98fs/sex_is_like_an_investment/
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So there was a police officer and his police dog...

The officer called the dog Joke, as it made him laugh always. Regardless, he loved the dog. However, one day the dog was demoted and reassigned to another Buddhist officer who wanted a dog to help him abstain from material things. The first officer was, of course upset. One of his friends he worked with asked what was wrong, and the first officer said, “Well, it should be obvious. My Joke’s been reposted for more karma!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao95w8/so_there_was_a_police_officer_and_his_police_dog/
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Two country men are sitting on the front porch with the dog

The dog starts licking himself between the legs and one man says “Hey look at that, I wish I could do that”
The other man says “ That dog would BITE you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao957l/two_country_men_are_sitting_on_the_front_porch/
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My girlfriend got mad at me for caressing her butt...

She didn't know that harassment the world to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao9124/my_girlfriend_got_mad_at_me_for_caressing_her_butt/
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Two things that never get old

Anti-vaxx jokes
Anti-vaxx kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao8xd7/two_things_that_never_get_old/
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My grandpa is 95 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao8w3i/my_grandpa_is_95_years_old_and_he_doesnt_even_use/
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What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?

A Catholic will make eye contact with you at the liquor store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao8vko/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_and_a/
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The Cruise Joke

A man and his girlfriend are on a cruise, and, one night, the man shows her a ring and asks:
"Darling, will you marry me?"
The girl, who wanted a true demonstration of love, threw the ring into the ocean, and then said:
"If you find it, I'll marry you"
The man, desperately, swam and dived, but he couldn't find the ring.
The next night, he decided to try again, but this time he would give her a precious dinner. They ordered the best food the Cruise had: barnacles, lobsters, oysters, etc.
When they were about to eat the crab, they found something inside it...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
THE FUCKING DONUT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao8ozx/the_cruise_joke/
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I asked my North Korean friend how he's been doing there.

He said: "I can't complain".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao8mgs/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_hes_been_doing/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao8gej/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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The president is walking out of the white house and heading towards his limousine

when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”. This startles the would be assassind and he is captured. Later that day, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”. Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, duck!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao8g9m/the_president_is_walking_out_of_the_white_house/
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What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao8fqz/what_do_you_call_an_emo_a_capella_group/
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[OC]I have a black Asian friend named Bill Wong.

Bill has been my best friend all of my life since like 3rd grade.  Recently, he met this girl  named Emma Wong and fell in love with her.  She is also a black Asian with the same last name.
To be honest, I’m kinda jealous.  Ever since he met her he stopped talking to me and if I try to talk to him, he instead turns to her and talks to her.  Considering Bill is my only friend because I am antisocial, I have been feeling more and more lonely.  So I kinda stopped talking to him and played on my Xbox and played some CSGO on steam.
About a year later he called to tell me that Emma is pregnant and he is very excited to have a child.  I said congrats dude.  I was genuinely excited for him because always wanted to start a family.
All the way during her pregnancy, Bill started talking to me more and more and we started connecting again and things were great.  About 9 months after the beginning of the pregnancy, she went into labor and Bill and Emma had already agreed to let me be in the delivery room.
So there I was, in the delivery room watching Emma give birth to her and Bills baby, but something was wrong with it.  Considering the skin color of Bill and Emma, the baby looked surprisingly white.  After he was born, Bill was not very happy.  He started accusing Emma of cheating on him with a white guy and how he was mad at her and how he just wanted a child of his own.  Eventually the doctor walked back in and asked him what was wrong.  He said that the baby was white even though they were both black.  The doctor said “This is a huge misunderstanding, you see, though you two are black, two Wongs make a white.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao8f6t/oci_have_a_black_asian_friend_named_bill_wong/
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Adam was feeling a bit lonely in the garden of Eden

"Hey, God. I'm bored! I'm lonely, I have no one to talk to
The animals are great and all, but I need someone to share all of this with"
"Very well, I shall create for you the perfect companion.
a **woman**!
She will be smart, will make you laugh, she will love you, and you her for eternity.
But you will have to give up a leg and an arm"
"Uhm......
what can you give me for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao8dvf/adam_was_feeling_a_bit_lonely_in_the_garden_of/
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I never tell jokes about 9/11

They usually have a tendency to crash and burn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao8c28/i_never_tell_jokes_about_911/
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Why can you never trust a fruit over a vegetable?

because they're seedy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao86c1/why_can_you_never_trust_a_fruit_over_a_vegetable/
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The time my dad gave me money

As a kid my father once gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car.
We all got very emotional and cried, especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity and I knew my dad was going to beat the crap out of me again, as he did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao85xy/the_time_my_dad_gave_me_money/
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I asked my Dad what entropy meant.

He said, “It isn’t what it used to be.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao857m/i_asked_my_dad_what_entropy_meant/
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What's a demons favourite type of music?

Soul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao82pr/whats_a_demons_favourite_type_of_music/
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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess..."Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "No!" and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. THE END

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao826q/once_upon_a_time_a_prince_asked_a_beautiful/
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Don’t ever drive your car through Bangkok

You might blow a tranny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao826f/dont_ever_drive_your_car_through_bangkok/
%
I used to have a third nipple

It feels good to get that off my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao7xez/i_used_to_have_a_third_nipple/
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If you're American when you enter the washroom and Russian when you leave, what are you when you're on the john?

~~European!~~  President Donald Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao7wrq/if_youre_american_when_you_enter_the_washroom_and/
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I noticed my friend Ted had been doing drugs a lot recently, so I decided to confront him

I said to Ted, "You're addicted" He said: "I'm not a dick, what do you mean"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao7n9o/i_noticed_my_friend_ted_had_been_doing_drugs_a/
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I was going to make a procrastination joke

But....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao7koe/i_was_going_to_make_a_procrastination_joke/
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A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper...

After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intently at the youth's multicolored mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"
The man responded, "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao7ieu/a_teenager_takes_a_seat_on_a_bench_next_to_a/
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How was copper wire invented?

Two mennonites fighting over a penny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao7fgj/how_was_copper_wire_invented/
%
Went to the gym earlier, and while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway....she filed a formal complaint and I'm banned for life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao7ecp/went_to_the_gym_earlier_and_while_working_out_i/
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What do you get when you mix a helicopter, and elephant and a rhino?

Hell if I know...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao7d3h/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_helicopter_and/
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Whenever I have sex, i feel like a superhero

Mostly because I'm wearing a mask

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao7co1/whenever_i_have_sex_i_feel_like_a_superhero/
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I donated $10,000 to WWF.

But I'm not quite sure yet how the Undertaker is going to save the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao7cih/i_donated_10000_to_wwf/
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The CEO proudly said that he did "it" 7 times with his wife on his wedding night many years back.

The General Manager next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep on 1st night.
All turned towards a fresher Clerk & asked how many times did he do it on his wedding night.
The Clerk replied: Only once Sir!
The CEO laughed n asked WHY?
The Clerk replied: My wife wasn't used to it Sir!
Today the clerk received all dues after termination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao7asn/the_ceo_proudly_said_that_he_did_it_7_times_with/
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Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took  off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the
crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"
Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao79t3/two_rednecks_flew_to_canada_on_a_hunting_trip/
%
Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's son?

His son, he's a little bigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao7753/whos_bigger_mr_bigger_or_mr_biggers_son/
%
1 and 20 played a game together

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao735n/1_and_20_played_a_game_together/
%
What do antivaxx kids and Trump have in common?

4 years or less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao6top/what_do_antivaxx_kids_and_trump_have_in_common/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camped in the woods while investigating a case.

They go to sleep. Several hours later, Holmes wakes Watson. He says, "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson says, "Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that tell you?"
"Well, I think it means that we'll have another nice day tomorrow. How about you?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao6pnv/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_are_camped_in_the/
%
Why do hookers wear condoms on their ears?

So they don’t get hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao6pii/why_do_hookers_wear_condoms_on_their_ears/
%
The only way to learn...

When I was a young kid my dad taught me how to swim by throwing me in the deep end of a pool.  Swimming to the ladder was easy, but getting out of the sack was the hard part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao6p85/the_only_way_to_learn/
%
I went to a wildlife park and all they had was one small Chinese dog

They said it was a shit zoo, so you have to admire their honesty, really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao6mqw/i_went_to_a_wildlife_park_and_all_they_had_was/
%
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condoms never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Excellent! You understood the story. Next patient please....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao6h58/guy_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_we/
%
Gadgets.

One day little Tim's teacher asked the class to bring a gadget from home and then each one would stand up in class and explain what it was.
Next day comes over and class begins.
First to go was Anne.
Teacher: What did you bring to class Anne?
Anne: I brought a kettle. It boils water.
Teacher: Who gave it to you?
Anne: Mom did.
Teacher: And what did she say?
Anne: Be careful when pouring hot water as it can give you burns.
The teacher and the rest of the class applauds and then the next kid gets up and so on. Eventually it's little Tim's turn.
Teacher: What did you bring to class Tim?
Tim: I brought a mechanical ventilator.
Teacher: Who gave it to you?
Tim: Grandpa did.
Teacher: And what did he say?
Tim:  i can't breath you little shhhhhhhh...
Thanks u/representingtables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao6gtt/gadgets/
%
What game was Stalin playing on his computer?

Oursweeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao6dk8/what_game_was_stalin_playing_on_his_computer/
%
A teacher asked a Jamaican kid in class to use the word “dandelion” in a sentence

The kid said “The cheetah is faster dandelion”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao699j/a_teacher_asked_a_jamaican_kid_in_class_to_use/
%
Wanna hear a period joke?

What do periods and Santa have in common?
Neither comes if you have been naughty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao67ja/wanna_hear_a_period_joke/
%
I was once riding my scooter when suddenly a deer appeared out of nowhere...

I swerved to save it, lost control and fell into a ditch. Somehow I managed to climb up and saw a swanky Mercedes pull up near the ditch,
An incredibly hot woman got out and asked me "Oh my goodness, are you hurt?"
Wondering if I was dreaming, I said, "no no I am alright."
She said, "My house is nearby, come over and we will get you cleaned up, will also check out if you have any major injuries."
I said, "Thank you so much but I think my wife will be pissed if I did."
She said, "Oh don't worry. I am a doctor, I need to be certain that you didn't get a fracture. I insist."
I thought what a wonderful woman. Pretty and she has a good heart! I just couldn't say no to that.
I said, "Okay... I will come with you, but I'm sure my wife will get mad."
We went to her home, she helped me get cleaned up and started inspecting me for injuries. I though she's getting too close and said, "Um.. thank you, I just... I am feeling fine now and must get going, because I think my wife..."
She interrupted with a disappointed look, "what? your wife will be pissed? How would she even know that you're here with me?"
I said, "Uh... because she's probably still lying in that ditch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao65vr/i_was_once_riding_my_scooter_when_suddenly_a_deer/
%
Today marks 10 years...

...since I didn't forward that mail chain that got me bad luck. It's on now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao64yc/today_marks_10_years/
%
Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires stickin out of it...

He phones the bomb squad... "jesus, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a feckin bomb"...
The operator asks "Is it tickin?" ...Paddy says "No, I tink it's beef!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao64rv/paddy_finds_a_sandwich_with_2_red_wires_stickin/
%
I have a fear of over-designed buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao6160/i_have_a_fear_of_overdesigned_buildings/
%
Fly Swatter

A woman arrives in the kitchen and sees her husband with a fly swatter and says "What are you doing?"
He replies: "I'm chasing the flies..."
She asks "Did you kill them?"
He says "As a matter of fact, yes, 3 males and 2 females
Intrigued, she asks him: "How do you make the difference between females and males?"
He answers: "3 were on the beer can, 2 on the phone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao5yag/fly_swatter/
%
I never forget my sons first words...

"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao5u78/i_never_forget_my_sons_first_words/
%
Dad, am i adopted?

Dad: No,  why the fuck would i pick you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao5t4u/dad_am_i_adopted/
%
What's the difference between a rooster and a nymphomaniac?

The rooster crows : **"Cock-a-doodle-doo"**
The nymphomaniac goes :**"Any-Cock-will-dooo"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao5oli/whats_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_a/
%
The reality show about flat earthers trying to find the edge of the world ended in a disappointment.

The finale was not a cliffhanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao5lu4/the_reality_show_about_flat_earthers_trying_to/
%
I asked my friend if she has ever smelled moth balls..."she said of course I have and you haven't?"

I told her no because I couldn't get his little legs apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao5kbl/i_asked_my_friend_if_she_has_ever_smelled_moth/
%
One day, God met with Adam in the garden of Eden

"Hey Adam, I have two new organs for you," said god
"What are they?" Adam Replied
"Well," said God, "We have a brain, which will let you make intelligent decisions and hold conversations with Eve."
"That's Great!" Adam said, "What's the other one?"
"That would be a penis," God replied, "It will let you make offspring to populate the Earth. However, there is one downside."
Adam asked, "What is it?"
"Well, I only have enough blood to let you use one at a time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao5co6/one_day_god_met_with_adam_in_the_garden_of_eden/
%
How is France like francium?

They both burst into flames when coming in contact with anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao59qm/how_is_france_like_francium/
%
NSFW Best BJ while she sings the national anthem.

A buddy of mine told me he found a hooker who gave him the best blow job he had ever received and she has a hidden talent, the only thing is that the lights have to be off while she is performing. I was extremely suspicious that he was pulling a quick one on me. But after some convincing he said he would pay her so that I can experience this magical BJ. We meet and she starts doing her stuff once the lights are off. It is legitimately the best BJ I've ever had and then she starts single pitch perfectly the Star Spangled Banner. I could believe it and finished pretty quickly. We turn the lights on and I ask her how she did and she just smiles at me.
The next day I'm talking with my buddy trying to figure out her secret and he has no idea either how she does it. I was left stumped the whole day just thinking about it. I decided that I was going to find out that very evening. I go back, the lights are off and she has just started singing. Right when she gets to the Land of the Free bit I turn the light on my phone one. The first thing I see is a glass eye on the counter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao568r/nsfw_best_bj_while_she_sings_the_national_anthem/
%
Why are Microsoft employees never relaxed?

Because they’re always on Edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao54ge/why_are_microsoft_employees_never_relaxed/
%
Never say "Bloody Mary" three times at midnight, or you will have to pay a high price.

Really, I will never go to that overpriced bar again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4yot/never_say_bloody_mary_three_times_at_midnight_or/
%
My wife told me to stop singing "I'm a believer" or she'd kill me. I thought she was joking...

...and then I saw her face...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4tte/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_singing_im_a_believer_or/
%
An Australian man decided to join the US Army.

On his first day of training, the drill Sargent screamed in his face,
“DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!”
The Australian responded,    “No sir.  I came here  yesterdie!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4tgt/an_australian_man_decided_to_join_the_us_army/
%
Girls are like rocks

If they're flat, skip em

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4svc/girls_are_like_rocks/
%
How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hippies don’t screw in light bulbs. They screw in dirty sleeping bags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4sr1/how_many_hippies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon are sitting at a bar

The Jew says, you know what, I have so many children I could have my own basketball team.
The Catholic says, oh yeah? I have so many kids I could have my own football team.
The Mormon chimes in and says, well... I have so many wives I could have my own golf course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4sov/a_jew_a_catholic_and_a_mormon_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
%
I feel that if we send people to Mars, we should dismantle the old rovers for their technology.

Otherwise we’ll miss a hell of an Opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4qww/i_feel_that_if_we_send_people_to_mars_we_should/
%
All the old farmer wanted to do was make his wife happy.

An old farmer came from riches, but he truly loved his wife. Unfortunately, she only wanted him for his money and would do anything to have it all for herself.
She complained about how much effort it took to plant, water, and grow the vegetables. So the old farmer built the strongest dam, and used canals to irrigate the farmland. He built magnificent bridges by hand, and dedicated them all to his wife. While he was working, the wife planned to release the dam and wash the old farmer away.
She broke the dam, flooded the valley, and it washed away the entire farm. Unfortunately for her, she was swept away by the rush of the water, along with the house, barn, and all of the animals too. All that remained was the old farmer, who watched from atop a bridge, while his entire livelihood trickled down the river into the horizon.
A reporter was on the scene shortly after, to ask the old farmer about what happened. The reporter asked how the old farmer felt knowing his wife tried killing him and, inadvertently, washing away everything he’d known and loved.
The old farmer simply replied, “It’s all water under the bridge”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4q23/all_the_old_farmer_wanted_to_do_was_make_his_wife/
%
I was in a 1v10 fight once

It was a hard fought battle and I had to go all out and use all my martial art skills and in the end we managed to beat the guy up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4nzc/i_was_in_a_1v10_fight_once/
%
Once there was a man named Bill

. Bill got kicked out of his girlfriends apartment and decided to call his buddy Paul.
"Hey, Paul, I got kicked out of my girlfriends apartment. Do you mind if I stay with you for a few days?"
"Sure," said Paul, "but I don't have a couch so you have to sleep in the bed with my wife and I."
"That's fine," Bill said, "I promise I won't touch her."
Later that night, Bill arrives at Paul's apartment. They quickly have dinner and head to bed. During the night, Paul's wife wakes Bill up.
"Bill, I'm super horny. Would you mind doing it with me?"
Bill was shocked. Was he dreaming? "Well I would love to," Bill replied, "but your husband is right beside us. Surely he will hear us."
"No he won't," she said, "he's a heavy sleeper. If you don't believe me, pull out one of his ass hairs." So Bill reached over and pulled out one of Paul's ass hairs and sure enough, he stayed asleep. Bill was amazed!
They ended up doing it nine times that night. On the tenth time, Paul woke up and said, "Look, Bill, buddy. I don't mind you fucking my wife, but stop using my ass as a scoreboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4nrp/once_there_was_a_man_named_bill/
%
Conjunctivitis.com

Now there's a site for sore eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4h4o/conjunctivitiscom/
%
If a woman sleeps with a lot of men she'll be called a slut. If a man does the same...

...people call him gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4gbb/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_a_lot_of_men_shell_be/
%
A businessman was about to go on a long business trip

and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.
After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Dick."
"How does it work?" asked the businessman.
The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Dick that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.
"Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"
He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Dick my pussy."
The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.
The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Dick, my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4g15/a_businessman_was_about_to_go_on_a_long_business/
%
PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE WALK INTO A BAR

It was tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4dfy/past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
%
PUBG swore they would end fortnite.

2 weeks later, Fortnight was over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4bqv/pubg_swore_they_would_end_fortnite/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together.

A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can't see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: "Can you see me now?" The four men answer: "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao4b5g/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday

Once on the plane,  the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed  there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This shit won't even start".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao48xu/a_group_of_engineering_students_and_their_teacher/
%
Two blokes running down the road

shouting, "Help, help a lion's escaped". A passerby says, "Which way did it go?" One of the blokes says, "You stupid dickhead, you don't think we're fucking chasing it do you?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao45id/two_blokes_running_down_the_road/
%
A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao44oq/a_mugger_held_me_up_at_knife_point_demanding_i/
%
What’s The Difference Between A Pianist And A Pope.

The Pianist Doesn’t Get Arrested For Fingering A Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao43wl/whats_the_difference_between_a_pianist_and_a_pope/
%
What does a necrophile get at a funeral?

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao40nc/what_does_a_necrophile_get_at_a_funeral/
%
What is a German group called when they can´t get into the club?

Sour Krauts.
Ps: I am a German myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao40ex/what_is_a_german_group_called_when_they_cant_get/
%
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. I said decepticons.

She laughed. I laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster. It was a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao3z7z/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_carry_a_gun_around_the/
%
I wanted to post a joke about sodium, but I was like...

Na, people won’t like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao3wqr/i_wanted_to_post_a_joke_about_sodium_but_i_was/
%
How can you tell which two year old birthday party is for the anti- vaxxer’s kid?

It’s the one being held in the cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao3v92/how_can_you_tell_which_two_year_old_birthday/
%
Why didn't the time traveller ask the girl out?

Because he doesn't like no for an answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao3u8t/why_didnt_the_time_traveller_ask_the_girl_out/
%
Some people are dog people, some are cat people. I'm a people person.

Just ask the hitchhikers I keep in the kennel out back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao3qht/some_people_are_dog_people_some_are_cat_people_im/
%
A group of women made a religion about Robin Hood

They were called Menintights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao3k8k/a_group_of_women_made_a_religion_about_robin_hood/
%
NSFW

Not wearing helmet at a construction site

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao3k4v/nsfw/
%
What was Elvis Presley's last greatest hit?

The bathroom floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao3j78/what_was_elvis_presleys_last_greatest_hit/
%
My coworker asked if I liked bread

Honestly, it’s my yeast favourite thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao3i4h/my_coworker_asked_if_i_liked_bread/
%
Juggler

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao3g2c/juggler/
%
Johnny and Jack were having sex.

"I'm Johnny Knoxville and welcome to Jack's ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao3aui/johnny_and_jack_were_having_sex/
%
You ever invite sodium to a party?

Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao3aql/you_ever_invite_sodium_to_a_party/
%
My doctor told me to drink hard alcohol for my depression...

Turns out absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao3a6i/my_doctor_told_me_to_drink_hard_alcohol_for_my/
%
Every Saturday Leon played golf with his best friend Charlie.

It didn't matter if it was sunny, raining, or hailing they played golf like clockwork. When he got home his wife would ask how his day went, and he would say:
"It was wonderful, because I got to play golf."
After 30 years of this Charlie, unfortunately, died. The next Saturday Leon kept his appointment, and played a round of golf. His wife was worried about him, and when he came home she asked him how his game had gone.
"It was horrible. It rained the while time, and I couldn't play for shit. The whole day just seemed like a slog. One hole after the next, just hit the ball and drag Charlie. Hit the ball and drag Charlie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao34wo/every_saturday_leon_played_golf_with_his_best/
%
Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.
Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!
Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.
"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".
"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.
"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao34fv/little_johnny_a_young_american_boy_is_down_at_the/
%
I´ve just done a quote for painting Dr Who´s TARDIS.

$50 for the outside, $400 for the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao337x/ive_just_done_a_quote_for_painting_dr_whos_tardis/
%
What's the similarity between a vasectomized man and a Christmas tree?

The balls are just for show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao32dh/whats_the_similarity_between_a_vasectomized_man/
%
I wasn't close to my dad when he died

Which is lucky, because he stepped on a landmine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao2z3g/i_wasnt_close_to_my_dad_when_he_died/
%
I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger.

It’s nothing serious. It’s just a whittle cut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao2xs5/i_recently_took_up_wood_carving_and_accidentally/
%
Why did karl marx always spell his name in lowercase letters?

Because he wanted to abolish all forms of capital

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao2wm3/why_did_karl_marx_always_spell_his_name_in/
%
This father has always been disappointed by his son...

One day he sees his son watching tv and asks him
"Son, how old are you?"
"I'm 5 Dad!" says his son, joyful
To which the father angrily replies "Me, at your age, I was 6!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao2vdh/this_father_has_always_been_disappointed_by_his/
%
Did you hear about the magician that tortured his props?

He pulled a hat out of a rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao2s9e/did_you_hear_about_the_magician_that_tortured_his/
%
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao2lj5/a_boy_scout_says_to_his_scout_leader_sir_is_this/
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A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.

“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
“Because you can’t hold your drink.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao2g63/a_snake_slithered_into_a_bar_and_asked_the/
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As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao2g4o/as_a_chemist_i_can_conclude_that_freddie_mercurys/
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What's the difference between anti-vaxxers and vaccines?

Needles actually have a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao2ee7/whats_the_difference_between_antivaxxers_and/
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McDonald's employee: Please sir, get off the table

Me: I ASKED FOR TWO LARGE FRIES \*dumping bag of fries out on the floor\* BUT INSTEAD GOT A HUNDRED FUCKING LITTLE ONES

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao2aqn/mcdonalds_employee_please_sir_get_off_the_table/
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My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime

It must have been something I said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao29d6/my_instructor_just_told_me_that_im_not_cut_out_to/
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I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.......

My next trip to the toilet could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao2504/ive_accidentally_swallowed_some_scrabble_tiles/
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What to you call a pimp with too many hoes? (Original joke)

A whoreder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao2026/what_to_you_call_a_pimp_with_too_many_hoes/
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Another Blonde Joke

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead have just robbed a bank are are on the run with the police hot on their tails. They run down an alley and find three empty boxes, so they each jump in a box. The police round the corner and approach the boxes. They kick the first box, containing the brunette. She yells out: “Woof woof!”. “Oh, it’s only puppies”, says the police officer. They kick the second box. The redhead yells out “Meow meow!”. “Oh, it’s just kittens”, says the officer. They kick the third box. The blonde yells out: “Potatoes potatoes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao1z95/another_blonde_joke/
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I accidentally swallowed some scrabble pieces

My next shit could spell disaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao1rca/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_scrabble_pieces/
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Never have sex with a girl who uses tampons

There are too many strings attached

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao1qng/never_have_sex_with_a_girl_who_uses_tampons/
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My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao1ph0/my_wife_likes_to_dress_up_for_role_play_the_other/
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Who's the better businessman: Superman or Batman?

It's Superman of course, or have you ever heard about a batmarket?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao1mbd/whos_the_better_businessman_superman_or_batman/
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I work as a mortician, and recently had a case of an unidentified murder victim who was killed in a bakery

I had to mark him down as a Jon dough.in the file.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao1lpg/i_work_as_a_mortician_and_recently_had_a_case_of/
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Why don't people react to the Queen's farts?

Because they're noble gases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao1h99/why_dont_people_react_to_the_queens_farts/
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Netflix is creating a movie about Reddit starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

It will be called *Total Repost*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao1gd5/netflix_is_creating_a_movie_about_reddit_starring/
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My dog used to love playing catch, but he hasn’t been the same since his lost his favorite ball

I  was running low on cash so only I  had enough money to cover 50% of his neutering procedure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao1foe/my_dog_used_to_love_playing_catch_but_he_hasnt/
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What’s religious Alzheimer’s Disease?

It’s when you forget everything but the guilt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao1dpb/whats_religious_alzheimers_disease/
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Who needs friends? Friends just dissapoint you.

I already have myself for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao16wb/who_needs_friends_friends_just_dissapoint_you/
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I opened my wallet and saw a piece of lint in there.

I said to myself "I don't remember putting my life savings here."
Randomly woke up this morning with that joke in my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao13do/i_opened_my_wallet_and_saw_a_piece_of_lint_in/
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I finally got my wife to scream during sex

I called her and told her what I was doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao10ge/i_finally_got_my_wife_to_scream_during_sex/
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People say that Rorschach from Watchmen is a great character.

But I don’t really know what people see in him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao10fk/people_say_that_rorschach_from_watchmen_is_a/
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A day without you is like a day with sunshine

but I'm a ginger, so, you know, it's cool if you just stay away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao0trl/a_day_without_you_is_like_a_day_with_sunshine/
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R Kelly

taking the art out of rap artist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao0t2t/r_kelly/
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I hate talking to Mary Jane

She's just too blunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao0s0h/i_hate_talking_to_mary_jane/
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Why do squirrels swim on their back?

To keep their nuts dry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao0pzl/why_do_squirrels_swim_on_their_back/
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Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Valentine's Day is coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao0pgv/do_you_know_why_there_are_fewer_all_men_are_trash/
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What do you say when a pizza un-makes itself?

I was going to say "It's no longer kneaded", but then I realized how cheesy this joke is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao0k0f/what_do_you_say_when_a_pizza_unmakes_itself/
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I don't understand the point of threesomes.

If I want to disappoint two people, I can just have dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao0jvv/i_dont_understand_the_point_of_threesomes/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He’s okay now, he worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao0hy6/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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Marriage banter

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao0gpu/marriage_banter/
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What do bras have in common with Martin Luther King??

Both focus on uplifting the downtrodden masses!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao0fk1/what_do_bras_have_in_common_with_martin_luther/
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Had the choice between 3 Cokes and 4 Dr Peppers.

I picked seven up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao0dr2/had_the_choice_between_3_cokes_and_4_dr_peppers/
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Love is like basketball...

I’m not good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao0bo2/love_is_like_basketball/
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How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Hippies screw in vans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao08gw/how_many_hippies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What kind of bonds have the worst return rate?

Vagabonds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao04b5/what_kind_of_bonds_have_the_worst_return_rate/
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Finally got a date for Valentine’s Day

February 14th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ao0434/finally_got_a_date_for_valentines_day/
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after a vasectomy, make sure to ice your nuts

it makes a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anzufu/after_a_vasectomy_make_sure_to_ice_your_nuts/
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A kid visiting his grandparents (I hope this isn’t a repost, I’m sorry if it is)

A kid  was visiting his grandparents and he saw his grandpa smoking a pipe. The kids asks “Grandpa can I smoke your pipe?” The grandpa replies “Can your dick reach your asshole?” The kid says “No”. The grandpa says “then you’re not old enough”. A little later the grandpa is drinking some whiskey and the kids says “Grandpa can I have a drink of your whiskey?” The Grandpa replies “Can your dick reach your asshole?” The kid says “No” and the grandpa says “then you’re not old enough” later the kid is eating some pie and the grandpa says “can I have a bite of your pie?” the kid replies “can your dick reach your asshole?” The grandpa proudly says “yes it can” The kid says “you better go fuck yourself cause grandma gave this pie to me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anzhfh/a_kid_visiting_his_grandparents_i_hope_this_isnt/
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What do you call a sexy pirate?

Thiccccccc, with 7 c's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anzezf/what_do_you_call_a_sexy_pirate/
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What do you call a reptile that gets denied of mating?

Croc Blocked. Don't ask me my mind is weird as hell this should be in r/ComedyCemetery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anzc8a/what_do_you_call_a_reptile_that_gets_denied_of/
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Two college kids are laying next to each other after sex.

The guy turns around and says: “I have great nickname for you: Eve, since you are my first. Do you mind?”
The girls responds: “As long as I can call you JumboJet”
- “Sure thing! Is that because of big I am down there?”
- “No, you are my 747th.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anzbcr/two_college_kids_are_laying_next_to_each_other/
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Ten Boxers in a row....

That's it, the whole punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anz960/ten_boxers_in_a_row/
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What does corn have in common with good friends?

You know you’ll see them again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anywzc/what_does_corn_have_in_common_with_good_friends/
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I spent a lot of my time in catholic school in the principal's office

Every interaction with that guy left a bad taste in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anyw2x/i_spent_a_lot_of_my_time_in_catholic_school_in/
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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anyu3y/executives_at_monsanto_have_announced_an/
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Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it was stuck in the crack.
(One of my students)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anyna2/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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One day while out flying

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well, " says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well, " says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anylvb/one_day_while_out_flying/
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I feed and clothe a child in Africa for 30 cents a day.

Ofcourse that's nothing compared to what it cost to send him there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anykdi/i_feed_and_clothe_a_child_in_africa_for_30_cents/
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What is the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anyk1s/what_is_the_opposite_of_irony/
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I crashed my golf cart two times while driving through hole one.

My driving skills were below par.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anyfne/i_crashed_my_golf_cart_two_times_while_driving/
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To the guy who stole my copy of Microsoft Word. I will find you...

You have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anyb0f/to_the_guy_who_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_word_i/
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I just took a Polaroid of a breaking news event!

More on this story as it develops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anyasf/i_just_took_a_polaroid_of_a_breaking_news_event/
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My favorite time of the day is 6:30

Hands down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/any9qj/my_favorite_time_of_the_day_is_630/
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My Engineering teacher asked me to find the torque caused by two equal and opposite parallel forces

So I said “Okay, give me a couple moments.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/any7n3/my_engineering_teacher_asked_me_to_find_the/
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What does a fish say when it sees a wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/any5gk/what_does_a_fish_say_when_it_sees_a_wall/
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What did the drummer call his four daughters?

Anna 1...Anna 2....Anna 3...Anna 4...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/any1va/what_did_the_drummer_call_his_four_daughters/
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Why are orphans bad at baseball?

Because they can never find home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/any1st/why_are_orphans_bad_at_baseball/
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Found this on Twitter

Me: My hot water doesn’t work
Landlord: Not my domain .
Firelord: Nor mine.
Me: What?
Waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS?
Me: I..I do. My hot water doesn’t work.
Waterlord: Oh shit for real? I'll call the plumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/any1gz/found_this_on_twitter/
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What is a pirates favorite letter?

You’d think it’d be Rrr but ‘tis the C!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxzrj/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxyjx/my_wife_walked_out_on_me_after_i_blew_our_life/
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Have you met my friend Kelvin

He's an absolute unit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxxg4/have_you_met_my_friend_kelvin/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxwt2/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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Does anyone know if it’s possible to have a skin graft taken from a butt to donate to someone who isn’t a relative?

Arse skin for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxw83/does_anyone_know_if_its_possible_to_have_a_skin/
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I’ve always wondered about the price of pies around the world

In the Bahamas they’re $9 a pie.
In Jamaica they’re $8 a pie.
In Cuba they’re $7 a pie.
And those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxu2d/ive_always_wondered_about_the_price_of_pies/
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What's the happiest type of electricity

Ecstatic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxoyx/whats_the_happiest_type_of_electricity/
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And so the Lord said unto John, “come forth, and you shall receive the gift of eternal life.”

But John came fifth, and received a $10 subway gift card

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxode/and_so_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing, they’re both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxniu/what_did_the_two_tampons_say_to_each_other/
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I knew a girl who sold her body when times were tough.

She did it on a need-to-ho basis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxmxx/i_knew_a_girl_who_sold_her_body_when_times_were/
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A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.

"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."
"Why?" her son replied.
"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"
The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy.
The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman.  The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxm04/a_woman_sees_her_son_shoving_candy_into_his_mouth/
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Scientists have successfully grown human vocal cords in the lab

The results speak for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxl6a/scientists_have_successfully_grown_human_vocal/
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Republicans and Democrats never agree on anything

Republicans said the temperature is -40° F
And democrats immediately said it was -40° C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxhye/republicans_and_democrats_never_agree_on_anything/
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Two guys walking past a dog that's licking his balls

One guy says wistfully, "I wish I could do that." The other guy says, **"Go ahead. He looks friendly."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxh4w/two_guys_walking_past_a_dog_thats_licking_his/
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As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.
"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxgyq/as_a_couple_gets_into_bed_the_husband_starts_to/
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I wish Bill Cosby was president

It would really help me sleep at night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxfaw/i_wish_bill_cosby_was_president/
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Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?

It was a real slap in the faith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxefq/can_you_believe_i_was_thrown_out_of_my_church_for/
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I don’t know why people say cancer is hard to beat...

I’m already on stage four!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxc1c/i_dont_know_why_people_say_cancer_is_hard_to_beat/
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4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven.
St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The second nun replies hesitantly, "Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand."
St. Peter smiles and says, "Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven.
At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, **"Listen, I better go next because I'm not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anxbv9/4_nuns_arrive_at_the_pearly_gates_of_heaven/
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My father loved the photos and paintings of John Audubon

He collected as many photos and paintings of all the different birds around the world.
As he lay on his deathbed facing the "wall of wading birds" I asked him if he would have done anything different.
His eyes panned across the wall and he frowned.  With his last words he said.
"I have no egrets"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anx9i7/my_father_loved_the_photos_and_paintings_of_john/
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A navy recruit is starting his first shift on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anx8eh/a_navy_recruit_is_starting_his_first_shift_on_a/
%
A woman was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

She was brought before the judge who asked, “How many peach slices were in the can?”
“Six,” she replied.
“Ok, I’ll give you six days.”
Her husband, seated court, raised his hand and said, “Your honor, she also stole a bag of rice.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anx652/a_woman_was_caught_shoplifting_a_can_of_peaches/
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A woman goes to the doctor

the doctor says, "what seems to be the matter you need help with today."
She replies, "well, i have recently sprouted 10 additional breasts, and now have 12, you gotta help me doc."
the doc replies "wow, that definitely complicates things, dozen tit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anx58x/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
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What idiot decided to call it “randomized clinical trial with placebo”

And not “trick or treatment”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anx2ku/what_idiot_decided_to_call_it_randomized_clinical/
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What is E.T. short for?

Because he has small legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anwzja/what_is_et_short_for/
%
Russian archeologists made a big discovery

As they dug a 100 meter deep hole, they found old copper wires. They made a big, worldwide announcement that the Russians were an advanced species. Even 1000 years ago they already had a copper network.
The Americans couldn't cope with the Russians being advanced longer than the Americans, so American archeologists started digging a hole as well. After digging for a while, they stumbled upon ancient optic fibers at around 150 meters deep. Euphoricly the Americans made a big announcement that, however the Russians may have had a copper network 1000 years ago, the Americans already had a optic fiber network 1500 years ago.
With all the tumult around ancient networks, Dutch archeologists also started digging. After digging a 250 meter deep hole, they still didn't find anything. That evening a press conference was organized in which the Dutch government announced that, although the Russians and the Americans were quite advanced in the past, the Dutch were even more advanced. 2500 years ago the Dutch already got wireless networks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anwyji/russian_archeologists_made_a_big_discovery/
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Michael Jackson is a lot like caviar.

They both come on little crackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anwyb4/michael_jackson_is_a_lot_like_caviar/
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What do you call strippers in a wooden horse?

Trojan Whores

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anwxi5/what_do_you_call_strippers_in_a_wooden_horse/
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A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.

The medic says: "My job is the oldest because when God made Eve from Adams rib, that was a medical procedure."
The architect says: "Hold up! Before Adam and Eve, God created the universe. That's an architects job - to make something out of chaos."
The programmer then says: "Now wait a minute, who do you think was responsible for all the chaos?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anwwiq/a_medic_an_architect_and_a_programmer_are_talking/
%
I used to be terrified of gardening..

Until I grew a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anwrid/i_used_to_be_terrified_of_gardening/
%
What makes a UPS joke funny?

The delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anwoif/what_makes_a_ups_joke_funny/
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My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's when I flip your MOM over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anwnlu/my_favourite_sex_position_is_called_wow/
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It’s 2019 quit making gay jokes

Come on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anwhmg/its_2019_quit_making_gay_jokes/
%
I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”

And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anwf7g/i_used_to_have_a_dog_with_no_legs_named_cigarette/
%
Only vaccinated kids will get this.

adulthood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anwagz/only_vaccinated_kids_will_get_this/
%
My cousin thinks he's cool because he sleeps in a race car bed.

Little does he know I sleep in an actual car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anwab6/my_cousin_thinks_hes_cool_because_he_sleeps_in_a/
%
I understand how you get Will from William and John from Johnathan, but how do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anw1pg/i_understand_how_you_get_will_from_william_and/
%
What do you call a Chinese guy sitting on the toilet?

Pu Ping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anvxcg/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_guy_sitting_on_the/
%
What do you call a short person waving at you?

A microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anvuai/what_do_you_call_a_short_person_waving_at_you/
%
A man meets an escort in a bar..

.. and after talking to her for a little bit he says, “alright, enough talk. How much is it going to cost me for a handjob?”
The escort says, “that’ll cost you $50.”
“$50 for a handjob?! You gotta be kiddin me!” Says the man.
“Well come look out here”, she says, “see that car outside?” She points out the window and he sees a brand new Ferrari.
“I bought that purely off of $50 handjobs”, she says.
So the man thinks, huh, that must be pretty good then. And sure enough, it’s the best handy he’s ever had.
The next day the man goes back and says, “alright, how much for a blowjob?”
She replies, “a blowjob will cost you $500.”
Again, the man is shocked. “$500 for a blowjob?! Good lord..”
The woman says again, “come over here. See that house up there on the hill? I bought that completely off of $500 blow jobs.”
Up on the hill is a massive mansion. At least 20 rooms. So the man says okay, gives her the $500, and receives the best blowjob he’s ever had.
The third day rolls around and he tracks her down. He says, “alright, enough playing around. How much is it going to cost me for some pussy.”
She looked at him and says, “hell, if I had a pussy, I’d own this town!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anvu9u/a_man_meets_an_escort_in_a_bar/
%
Why dont ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anvsu2/why_dont_ants_get_sick/
%
Today the president signed a bill making it against the law to get up out of a chair.

I tried to sue but the judge said there was no legal standing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anvlva/today_the_president_signed_a_bill_making_it/
%
The invention of the Penis is proof God exists...

And the size of mine proves that, so does the Devil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anvkx8/the_invention_of_the_penis_is_proof_god_exists/
%
A Psych Professor was conducting an experiment with a Psych Student...

There was half of a glass of water sitting on a small table. They would have the subjects of the experiment (other students from the University) come in and describe what they see. Depending on the students’ answers, they would determine their personality type.
The first student comes in and says, “That glass is half full.”
The Psych Professor turns the Psych Student and says, “That student has an optimistic personality.”
The next student comes in and says, “That glass is half empty.”
The Psych Professor turns the Psych Student and says, “That student has a pessimistic personality.”
The next student comes in and says, “The volumetric capacity of the vessel is approximate twice of that which is require to contain the entirety of the liquid.”
The Psych Professor turns the Psych Student and says, “That person is an Engineering Student, they have no personality.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anvki9/a_psych_professor_was_conducting_an_experiment/
%
Sometimes I wake up grumpy...

Other times I let her sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anvj6h/sometimes_i_wake_up_grumpy/
%
A Father is Talking to His Son

"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks grandpa"
"Why are you calling me grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anvfop/a_father_is_talking_to_his_son/
%
The Pope is visiting the U.S.

As expected, he gets a private chaffeur and a limousine.
He has always wanted to drive one, but is never allowed to. He decides to ask the driver.
The driver thinks about it for a minute, bad decides he can't say no to the Pope. And besides what could go wrong?
The Pope gets in the driver's seat, and th driver gets in the back. The driver tells the Pope where to drive, and he starts driving.
He drives like a maniac, and gets on the highway and not long after they're pulled over by the cops.
The cop talks to someone on his walkie and the person at the other end is curious on why a limousine is speeding and who it is he's pulled over. The cop responds:
"I don't know who he is, but he's gotta be pretty damn important having the Pope as a driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anvfel/the_pope_is_visiting_the_us/
%
Were you born on a freeway?

Because that's where most accidents happen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anvdj3/were_you_born_on_a_freeway/
%
How many people with ADHD does it take to screw on a lightbulb?

Let’s ride bikes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anvbr2/how_many_people_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.
P.S this is my first ever post!  Please be nice!
Sorry for the typo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anvbqv/did_you_hear_about_the_two_criminals_who_stole_a/
%
I tried sharing a kebab with a homeless man yesterday

He told me to fuck off and buy my own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anvaoi/i_tried_sharing_a_kebab_with_a_homeless_man/
%
All the uproar about Liam Neeson’s racist comments is a bit much

Can’t we let Qui-Gons be Qui-Gons...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anv36x/all_the_uproar_about_liam_neesons_racist_comments/
%
Who is the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anv2zy/who_is_the_opposite_of_christopher_walken/
%
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anuzl0/two_thai_girls_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_sleep_with/
%
Roses are red, violets are blue

I don't know the original poem,
and neither do you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anuwyr/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
What's flatter than the earth?

The heart monitor of an anti-vax kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anuwnf/whats_flatter_than_the_earth/
%
American intervention is kind of like my cooking...

It always involves a lot of oil... I steam in without really knowing what I'm doing... and lots of people die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anuktc/american_intervention_is_kind_of_like_my_cooking/
%
The history of human evolution is confusing...

There’s so many *Homos*, it’s hard to keep them all straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anugpi/the_history_of_human_evolution_is_confusing/
%
To be frank...

I'd have to change my name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anugiw/to_be_frank/
%
What do you call it when R Kelly and 21 Savage fight?

Alien vs. Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anufc5/what_do_you_call_it_when_r_kelly_and_21_savage/
%
What is the difference between a feminist and a knife?

A knife has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anuevw/what_is_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
A man died and went to heaven

. As he stood in front of St. Peter, at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are the Wrong-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Wrong-Clock. Every time you messed up big-time, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man. “Whose clock is that?”
“That is Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never did the wrong thing.”
“Incredible,” said the man.
“And that’s Dave’s clock. The hands only moved twice, telling us that Dave only messed up twice in his entire life.”
“Where is Trump’s clock?”
“Oh, his clock is in Jesus’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anu9n3/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
I got off pretty easy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anu8zu/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
%
What do you say to a blind hooker?

I dunno, but you gotta hand it to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anu5ay/what_do_you_say_to_a_blind_hooker/
%
A man wakes up one morning to find a Gorilla on his roof!

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an add for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the Gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The Gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the home owner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the Gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the Gorilla falls, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The Gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" Asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anu4iq/a_man_wakes_up_one_morning_to_find_a_gorilla_on/
%
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s pretty time consuming.
Credit: My 5 year old niece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anu3t9/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
%
The local circus has had the same show on for a long while now.

Less and less people are coming to see it, as they all know the routine by now.
One day the circus director is approached by a stranger. The strangers says: “Hey, I’ve got just what you need to save this circus!”
“And what is that?” asks the circus director.
“I’ve got a cat that plays guitar and a dog that sings”.
The circus director finds that hard to believe, but sure enough the next day the stranger brings along the cat and dog, and the cat plays guitar while the dog sings.
In no time the circus is more popular than ever before, and tons of people come every day to see the cat and dog perform.
“Thank you so much!” says the circus director to the stranger. “You gotta tell me the secret, though. I mean this can’t possibly be real?”
The stranger replies: “Alright, I’ll tell you what’s really going on: the cat is playing guitar AND singing, the dog’s just moving his mouth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anu15u/the_local_circus_has_had_the_same_show_on_for_a/
%
As a punishment I was once made to answer a difficult question while riding up and down the elevator.

....
It was wrong on so many levels.
....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/antyzm/as_a_punishment_i_was_once_made_to_answer_a/
%
Two gentlemen meet for a duel...

The first gentleman, who challenged the other after being humiliated, is a man of honor. "I am the one who has challenged you. As such, I shall allow you to choose our weapons." He opens a case with two swords and two guns. "Would you like to duel with swords, or guns?"
The second gentleman is trained with a sword, and knows that his opponent is skilled with a firearm. As such, he chooses to give himself the advantage. "I choose to duel with swords!"
The challenger nods at this choice. "Very well then." He hands both swords to his opponent. "Here are your swords. That just leaves me with the guns."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/antyap/two_gentlemen_meet_for_a_duel/
%
I asked my wife of 25 years if she'd still love me if I didn't have any money.

She thought about it and nodded with a smile. "Yes, of course I still would love you.  I would *MISS* you, but still love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/antxje/i_asked_my_wife_of_25_years_if_shed_still_love_me/
%
The train driver.

Once upon a time there was a guy that was very passionate about trains ever since he was a little kid.
So no one was surprised that once he grew up he became a train conductor.
However as much as he loved trains he was really terrible at driving them.
Sadly, one day he caused a terrible accident in which one person died.
Due to the laws of country he was in he was accused of manslaughter and sentenced to death by an electric chair.
On the day of execution driver was asked about what he would like his last meal to be.
He asked for a banana.
After he ate his last meal, he was strapped to an electric chair.
Everybody got ready and the executioner pulled the lever.
Electricity crackled
Lights in the room flickered
And entire room got filled with black smoke from the chair
Then smoke revealed...
driver sitting in the chair alive and completely unfazed.
Since surviving an execution was considered a divine intervention in this country, driver got declared innocent and set free.
After some time history repeated itself and once again a tragedy occurred.
This time driver killed 2 people in a train accident.
Once again he was accused on manslaughter and sentenced to death by an electric chair.
Once again on the day of the execution driver was asked what he would like his last meal to be
This time he asked for 2 bananas
Then, driver was once again strapped to an electric chair.
Everybody got ready and the executioner pulled the lever.
Electricity crackled
Lights in the room flickered
And entire room got filled with black smoke from the chair
Then smoke revealed...
driver sitting in the chair alive and completely unfazed.
Once again this was declared a divine intervention and train driver got set free
However as tragic this may sound, a third tragedy took place.
This time in a train accident 3 people died.
Once again he was accused on manslaughter and sentenced to death by an electric chair.
But this time executioner said
\-"No! I have no idea how you did that before but you ain't getting away this time! You ain't getting any bananas this time!"
Then driver was  strapped to an electric chair.
The executioner pulled the lever.
Electricity crackled
Lights in the room flickered
And entire room got filled with black smoke from the chair
Then smoke revealed...
Driver, sitting in the chair alive and completely unfazed.
Executioned was shocked and unable to speak
So the driver spoke up instead, feeling kinda sorry for the executioner.
"You know, sorry to say that but those bananas had nothing to do with me surviving.
I'm just a terrible conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/antwco/the_train_driver/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of negative one hundred.

Definitely a ten, but also completely imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/antrjy/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_negative/
%
What do rednecks like to do for Halloween?

Pump kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/antqsv/what_do_rednecks_like_to_do_for_halloween/
%
NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/antpz2/nsfw_a_mother_was_walking_down_the_hall_when_she/
%
My idea of starting a professional Hide and Seek tournament was a total disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anthkn/my_idea_of_starting_a_professional_hide_and_seek/
%
Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.

Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack paddy whack.
Credit: This was a Colin Mochrie joke from an early Who's Line is it Any Way episode during the News Anchor bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/antgpq/convicted_hit_man_jimmy_two_shoes_mcclarty/
%
Do you hear about the Hispanic magician who made himself vanish?

He counted “uno, dos...” and disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/antf26/do_you_hear_about_the_hispanic_magician_who_made/
%
A women stopped me in the coffee shop the other day claiming she met me through a vegetarian-only dating website...

but I had never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/antdgz/a_women_stopped_me_in_the_coffee_shop_the_other/
%
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do.
Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion.
A few weeks later.. they meet up at the bar and the priest announces, "I found a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord. He liked it so much that he now comes to mass every week."
The pastor says, "Well, I saw a bear in the clearing. I started reading him the bible and he loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized in about a week."
The priest and the pastor turn to look at the rabbi, who now has a broken arm, a fractured collarbone and several cuts and bruises. The rabbi says, *You know what, looking back.. maybe I shouldn't have started with a circumcision*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/antckc/a_priest_a_pastor_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A three legged dog

limps into a saloon in the old west and shouts, "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ant80c/a_three_legged_dog/
%
My lights remind me of my uncle

Because I turned them both on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ant7tv/my_lights_remind_me_of_my_uncle/
%
What's the difference between vegetation and vegetables?

You don't have to pull the plug on vegetation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anszzr/whats_the_difference_between_vegetation_and/
%
What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal immigrant?

E.T. learned to speak English and wanted to go home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ansz5z/whats_the_difference_between_et_and_an_illegal/
%
According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have sex while standing up.

They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anst2z/according_to_the_southern_baptist_convention/
%
Trump's nothing like Hitler.

There's no way he could write a book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anssfx/trumps_nothing_like_hitler/
%
Three men walk into a bar

The fourth one ducks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ansof3/three_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Midget hooks up with a hottie...

A midget meets a hot woman in a bar and after several drinks they are hitting it off the woman invites the midget back to her place.
They get back to her place and she says, "I'm really nervous I've never been with a midget before", and the midget kind of laughs it off and says "don't worry, just lie back and let me do all the work."
After multiple orgasms, the woman says "that was incredible!"
The midget says "if you think that was good, just wait until I get both legs in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anslt5/midget_hooks_up_with_a_hottie/
%
A man walks by a pet shop and sees a cat drinking from an expensive looking, golden bowl

the man wants the bowl but he knows that he can't just steal it, so he walks into the shop with the cat in his hand.
Man: How much do you take for this cat?
Seller: Oh, sorry, it's not for sale.
Man: What about 20 euros?
Seller: Okay, it's yours.
Man: Can I also have the bowl? I need a bowl to put milk for the cat.
Seller: No, the bowl really isn't for sale, it's my lucky bowl.
Man: What luck does it give you anyway?
Seller: Thanks to it i sold 11 cats this week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anshvw/a_man_walks_by_a_pet_shop_and_sees_a_cat_drinking/
%
What's the difference between a redditor and a suicide bomber?

A suicide bomber doesn't die alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ansew4/whats_the_difference_between_a_redditor_and_a/
%
2 Midgets go to a brothel...

2 midgets, John and Terry, go to a brothel and each get a girl for the night.
John has a terrible night. No matter what the girl does for him, he just cant get it up.
He sits on the bed all night, crying, all while hearing Terry through the wall yelling over and over, "1, 2, 3, HERE I COME AGAIN!! AAAAAHHHH!" finished off by a loud thud.
In the morning, John and Terry meet up and go get some breakfast.
Terry sees that something is really bothering John, so he asks John about it.
John says "It was awful. I couldnt get it up no matter what she did."
Terry says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anse7g/2_midgets_go_to_a_brothel/
%
Paddy and Murphy are working on the building yard...

.... when a piece of slate from the roof falls off and takes paddys ear clean off. A few days later murphy is doing some work when he finds an ear on the floor.
Picking the ear up he shouts over to Paddy
"Ey, Paddy i think ive found your ear mate"
Paddy looks over and says "no thats not mine, mine had a pen behind it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anse4g/paddy_and_murphy_are_working_on_the_building_yard/
%
Three men are sitting by the pool on vacation.

One of the men says: "Last night I had sex with my wife three times, and in the morning she said that was the best sex we've had"
One of the other men proclaims: "We'll yesterday I had sex with my wife 5 times and do you know what she had to say this morning?"
The two other men shook their heads.
"That I was the best she has ever had!"
The first man coofs and says to the third guy: "well how many times did you bang your wife?"
The third man says "once!"
The two other men laugh and one of them asks:
"Well what did your wife tell you in the morning then?"
The third man lays back and says:
"Don't stop!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ansbj9/three_men_are_sitting_by_the_pool_on_vacation/
%
Elevators with toilets.

Isn't that taking shit to another level ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ans91f/elevators_with_toilets/
%
If I had a dollar for every time somebody over forty tells me my generation sucks...

I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ans7co/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_somebody_over/
%
The last thing my grandfather said to me just before kicking the bucket…

“Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ans0w4/the_last_thing_my_grandfather_said_to_me_just/
%
Date: So what do you do?

Me: I'm currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Date: Wow, impressive
Me: Then I'll move on to Virgos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrzfz/date_so_what_do_you_do/
%
How do you pick up Syrian chicks?

In pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrz75/how_do_you_pick_up_syrian_chicks/
%
There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrvlm/theres_that_moment_when_you_put_your_steak_on_the/
%
What the difference between Maroon 5 and Chipotle?

People actually want their Chipotle in a bowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrv01/what_the_difference_between_maroon_5_and_chipotle/
%
How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrt1c/how_come_nobody_at_the_kings_table_laughed_when/
%
I don't suffer from premature ejaculation.

I enjoy every second of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrsht/i_dont_suffer_from_premature_ejaculation/
%
What happens when a bull gets the Mad cow disease?

He does some weird bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrsa2/what_happens_when_a_bull_gets_the_mad_cow_disease/
%
As my old Grandad was so fond of saying , "When you're in a hole stop digging"

It cost him his job in the graveyard , though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrqqk/as_my_old_grandad_was_so_fond_of_saying_when/
%
"You have a weird last name!"

....is what she said to him.  He replied,
"Well, it's pretty common in my family"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrpjb/you_have_a_weird_last_name/
%
What does ISIS think of their sex slaves?

They're the GOAT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrm1q/what_does_isis_think_of_their_sex_slaves/
%
Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the counter when washing up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrfsf/why_do_women_have_smaller_feet_than_men/
%
Your mom is so ugly...

They pay her at strip clubs to put her clothes on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anretp/your_mom_is_so_ugly/
%
I just invented a new drinking game!

Every time one of my family mentions “It’s ruining your life” I take a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anre4m/i_just_invented_a_new_drinking_game/
%
What is it called when the government forces two guys to go to dinner?

A mandate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrd21/what_is_it_called_when_the_government_forces_two/
%
I gave a man a flight ticket and he flew for a day.

My friend pushed a man off a plane and he flew for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrbuy/i_gave_a_man_a_flight_ticket_and_he_flew_for_a_day/
%
How can you spot the losers in a social media War?

They're the ones yelling, "Retweet! Retweet!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrbe7/how_can_you_spot_the_losers_in_a_social_media_war/
%
Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting to be held today at 4...

...doors open at 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anrbar/premature_ejaculators_anonymous_meeting_to_be/
%
I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment!

I did it once and fucking killed a cyclist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anra65/im_tired_of_people_telling_me_to_turn_off_my/
%
My ex-wife still misses me.

But her aim is steadily improving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anr7xv/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
%
Why is dark spelled with 'K' and not 'C'?

Because you can't see in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anr75t/why_is_dark_spelled_with_k_and_not_c/
%
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anr6zl/why_did_the_monkey_fall_out_of_the_tree/
%
What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anr5nh/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
%
There are 3 types of people in the world

Those that can count, and those that cannot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anr5n9/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."
With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.
"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.
"No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end.
"You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like."
He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks.
"Hi, can Dave come to the phone?"
"I told you you have the wrong number"
"That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like"
He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks.
"Is Dave available?"
"LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. AND IF IT DOESN'T FIT, I'LL PUSH IT IN WITH MY COCK!!!!!!"
"And that's rage."
"Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows.
"And what might that be?" asks the professor.
"It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate" He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number.
"Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anr5l9/a_psychology_professor_starts_off_his_lecture_by/
%
Why couldnt anyone else pull the sword from the stone?

They didn't have the arthurization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anr408/why_couldnt_anyone_else_pull_the_sword_from_the/
%
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anqzcc/scientists_have_grown_human_vocal_chords_in_a/
%
You can't get an STD by jacking off

But when I do at the dog park I'm fucking sick?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anqy9f/you_cant_get_an_std_by_jacking_off/
%
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"
The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anqy7e/the_flight_attendant_sees_a_suspicious_looking/
%
What is a Jewish dilemma?

Free ham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anqx20/what_is_a_jewish_dilemma/
%
A renowned scientist is frustrated with the popularity of misinformation. In an interview, he tells the press “my research is meaningless if taken out of context!”

The next day, the public is taken by storm as headlines spread that “Renowned Scientist Claims That His Research is Meaningless!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anqtby/a_renowned_scientist_is_frustrated_with_the/
%
TIL crickets only do their iconic "yelling" chirp in the presence of wild moths. Unfortunately, my cricket has none.

He has no moth and he must scream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anqsj1/til_crickets_only_do_their_iconic_yelling_chirp/
%
People that cheat on their taxes disgust me.

This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anqr81/people_that_cheat_on_their_taxes_disgust_me/
%
English is difficult

It can be understood though through tough thorough thought

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anqq9x/english_is_difficult/
%
Why did this sperm cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong socks this morning.
(Saw on dankmemes made me lol)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anqpwa/why_did_this_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
How do you get a Jewish girls number?

You roll up her sleeve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anqp6w/how_do_you_get_a_jewish_girls_number/
%
Whenever I try to confront my wife about blueballing me, she always cuts me off

I hate it that she never lets me finish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anqog9/whenever_i_try_to_confront_my_wife_about/
%
I love bone jokes

It's always good to break one in public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anqnl0/i_love_bone_jokes/
%
Why did the man buy a coin printing machine?

It just made cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anqiv6/why_did_the_man_buy_a_coin_printing_machine/
%
Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm. One of them turns to ask the other, "What kind of music are you into?"

The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anqe35/two_wind_turbines_are_standing_in_a_wind_farm_one/
%
Women treat me like God.

My existence is ignored except for when they need something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anq8hl/women_treat_me_like_god/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong socks this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anq7or/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.

It was the least I could do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anq6wa/i_just_spotted_an_albino_dalmatian/
%
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anq5nl/did_you_hear_about_the_new_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
Penis study

For whatever reason, Saudi Arabia decided to fund a study to find out why the penis had the shape it does. Specifically the larger head at the end. After a significant investment and several months, Saudi Arabia conclude that it was to enhance the mans pleasure.
Due to ongoing tensions, Canada decides to conduct their own study, with a much higher investment and over six months. Canada concludes, much to the dissatisfaction of Saudia Arabia, that the shape was actually there to enhance the females pleasure.
After watching this unfold, the US decides it 'one up' Canada and provide a decisive conclusion. With a massive investment and lasting well over a year, the US concluded that it was there to stop your hand from slipping off and punching yourself in the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anq4mt/penis_study/
%
I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anq4h3/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_father_stole/
%
You ever been to an optimistic optometrist?

They’ll tell you that your glasses are half full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anq3sc/you_ever_been_to_an_optimistic_optometrist/
%
My family's last name is 'Expectation'

The entire family is currently in the hospital because of my stepdad, he started with me and said that for once in his life he'd beat all expectations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anq3k0/my_familys_last_name_is_expectation/
%
Why do you never find a Hippopotamus hiding in a tree?

It's really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anq1nv/why_do_you_never_find_a_hippopotamus_hiding_in_a/
%
How would a world without friction be?

Idk dude but I heard it’s going to be slick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anq0lx/how_would_a_world_without_friction_be/
%
Two young lady friends hadn't seen each other in a long time and decided to meet for lunch. Their conversation got around to their respective love lives.

Marcy confessed there really wasn't anyone in her life at the moment. Heather started smiling like crazy when talking about her new beau. "He's perfect. He's so sweet. Then last night he said those four little words I've been waiting to hear."
"What? He asked you to marry him?" Marcy asked.
Heather said, "No, he said 'put your money away.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anq030/two_young_lady_friends_hadnt_seen_each_other_in_a/
%
The shocked electrician.

I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked. I couldn’t tell what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anpxvl/the_shocked_electrician/
%
What is in common between a comedian, a chocolate factory owner and a criminal?

They are all running for Ukraine Presidency in 2019.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anpxm2/what_is_in_common_between_a_comedian_a_chocolate/
%
5 years ago I asked a girl out on a date, she said no. Yesterday, I asked her to marry me.

She said no again, and told me to get out of her house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anppcb/5_years_ago_i_asked_a_girl_out_on_a_date_she_said/
%
Lazy asses!! Thug Life.

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?  - Oh Harry, that would be lovely!  - Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anpp36/lazy_asses_thug_life/
%
A man who recogizes his mistakes when wrong is wise. A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is...

Married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anpovz/a_man_who_recogizes_his_mistakes_when_wrong_is/
%
A data analyst walks into a bar and sees two tables..

So he goes over to them and says; "Hey guys, can I join you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anpjyx/a_data_analyst_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_two/
%
What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anpifj/whats_the_difference_between_a_syrian/
%
Light is faster than sound

That explain why some people seems bright until the talk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anpgtj/light_is_faster_than_sound/
%
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him...

As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears!? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin! No blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....that was me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anpfjp/a_young_man_moved_into_a_new_apartment_of_his_own/
%
A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replys "No not really".

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anpdq6/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_shitting_in_the_woods_the/
%
After having loud sex with my girlfriend, my father called me downstairs.

Thankfully by that time they were both dressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anpd7x/after_having_loud_sex_with_my_girlfriend_my/
%
Where do spanish fish live?

In the sí

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anp9gg/where_do_spanish_fish_live/
%
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.
"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."
"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."
"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.
"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"
"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."
"Yes, yes I do have a house!"
"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."
"Yes, yes I do have a family!"
"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."
"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.
"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.
"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.
"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
"No."
"Faggot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anp5fe/two_texas_farmers_jim_and_bob_are_sitting_in_a/
%
What's green and difficult to see through?

>!Kermit the fog!<
What's green and runs?
>!Kermit the jog!<
What's green and written once a week?
>!Kermit the blog!<
What's green and made of wood?
>!Kermit the log!<
What's green and bad for your lungs?
>!Kermit the smog!<
What's green and smells like bacon?
>!Kermit's fingers!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anp4km/whats_green_and_difficult_to_see_through/
%
Does anyone need an Ark?

If so contact me, I Noah guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anowzo/does_anyone_need_an_ark/
%
I took my first dick pic with a polaroid camera.

I showed my GF and she said
“Wait. I think it’s underdeveloped.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anov9a/i_took_my_first_dick_pic_with_a_polaroid_camera/
%
Know what's even better than roses on my piano

Tulips on my organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anoslc/know_whats_even_better_than_roses_on_my_piano/
%
Bill Cosby and a surgeon have a lot in common

For example, they both want the person that they are inside to be unconscious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anos60/bill_cosby_and_a_surgeon_have_a_lot_in_common/
%
I'm trying the cry it out method to get my kids sleeping, but it's not working...

I've been crying for three hours straight and they're still awake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anorbh/im_trying_the_cry_it_out_method_to_get_my_kids/
%
Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Because your mom loves Easter - it's an anagram.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem, Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anoqdg/son_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
%
What do you call someone who is both a physician who can treat you and a physician who cannot?!?!?!?!?!

A pair-a-docs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anooz9/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_both_a_physician/
%
There are two kinds of people. People who spend a lot of time in the bathroom...

...and people who don't masturbate in the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anomxw/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_people_who_spend_a/
%
Why did the foot call the police?

Because the hand was under a wrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anomuv/why_did_the_foot_call_the_police/
%
Two elephants and a man's meeting.

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anojgk/two_elephants_and_a_mans_meeting/
%
damn girl, are you gay?

cus you're LGB-QT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anoij6/damn_girl_are_you_gay/
%
Where is Jesus if he keeps going East?

Easter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anody7/where_is_jesus_if_he_keeps_going_east/
%
Did you know that lesbians suck at cooking?

It’s cuz they are always eating out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ano50c/did_you_know_that_lesbians_suck_at_cooking/
%
Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: OKURRR! How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: Damn, there you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ano3r5/me_whats_the_wifi_password/
%
Doctor, how long I have left?

"Doctor, please tell me the truth, how long I have left?"
"Ten"
"Ten what?"
"Nine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ano19e/doctor_how_long_i_have_left/
%
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ano0mf/remember_when_plastic_surgery_was_a_taboo_subject/
%
Your mom is like a Christmas Tree...

she gets lit and covered in balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/annwdl/your_mom_is_like_a_christmas_tree/
%
How does Italy execute its criminals?

Guidotine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/annspv/how_does_italy_execute_its_criminals/
%
Who’s your favourite Canadian music icon that also practices advanced culinary technique which enhances the flavour of poultry at the atomic level?

Brine Atoms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/annjwy/whos_your_favourite_canadian_music_icon_that_also/
%
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma...

6 months later she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/annhg0/a_woman_who_is_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a/
%
My wife told me to stop singing "I'm a Believer." I thought she was kidding.

Then I saw her face...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anngeg/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_singing_im_a_believer_i/
%
I was playing chess with a guy known to be an offensive player.

Within the first two minutes he called my mom a whore and slapped me with a wet paper towel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/annd8s/i_was_playing_chess_with_a_guy_known_to_be_an/
%
Two scientists walk into a bar

The first scientist says “I’ll have some H2O”
He happily drinks the drink
The second scientist says “I’ll have some H20 too”
The bartender gives him a drink, and the second scientist soon dies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/annb5k/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
If I hold sodium in my hand...

Do I have Napalm?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/annb53/if_i_hold_sodium_in_my_hand/
%
What does c in rape stands for?

Consent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ann8pw/what_does_c_in_rape_stands_for/
%
The doctor who checked my prostate looked like he spent five days a week at the gym. So I asked him what the weather was going to do...

...he was clearly a meaty urologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ann1in/the_doctor_who_checked_my_prostate_looked_like_he/
%
Two stupid people and the accident

Two people were arrested for running over and killing 12 people late at night.
When they were questioned at the police station about how it happened, they said ,'We were driving home and realised that the brakes on our car weren't working and in front of us there were two options, either run over the crowd of people or run over two people on the sidewalk.'
'So the choice was simple, to run over the two people and save a lot of lives' said the police officer
The guy replied then 'Yeah we thought so too, but the two people ran into the crowd!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anmzok/two_stupid_people_and_the_accident/
%
What do you call a cat that barks??

Fake mews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anmx6f/what_do_you_call_a_cat_that_barks/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anmq27/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
Why is an aircraft painted?

To prevent it from looking **plane**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anmouc/why_is_an_aircraft_painted/
%
Chuck Norris was abducted by aliens.

The aliens were never seen again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anmmcr/chuck_norris_was_abducted_by_aliens/
%
Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be two of them but now its a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anmlhn/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
What do black mexicans call their friends?

Amiggas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anm4rq/what_do_black_mexicans_call_their_friends/
%
Two cowboys

Riding across the range, they come upon a heifer with her head caught in the fence. Cowboy#1 says "you know I'm getting kind of tired of beating off in the bushes, I think ill take advantage of this situation"
He hops off his horse and goes to the heifer and has sloppy intersperses sexual intercourse.
He finishes and looks up at cowboy#2 and says
''Boy howdy! you want some of this?''
Cowboy#2 proceeds to dismount, take down his breeches, bends over, and stick his head in the fence
LOL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anm4o3/two_cowboys/
%
What does a programmer say when he loses his glasses?

"Help! I can't C#"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anm0pg/what_does_a_programmer_say_when_he_loses_his/
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What’s a quick way to get rid of Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Ask them if they’re here for the orgy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anm0le/whats_a_quick_way_to_get_rid_of_jehovahs_witnesses/
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They found a guy in hobby lobby dipping his testicles in the glitter bins

One eye witness was quoted as saying "It was pretty nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anm07q/they_found_a_guy_in_hobby_lobby_dipping_his/
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A farmer was working out in the field with his three daughters one day when he saw a car approach

A strapping young man stepped out of the car and approached the farmer confidently.
'Hello sir. My name's Dean, and I'm here to take Jean to the dairy Queen'
The farmer respects the lads courteous approach and says, 'Alright Jean off you go, you kids enjoy yourselves'. Not five minutes later, another car pulls up and another dashing young man steps out and walks confidently over to the farmer
'Hello sir. My name's Joe, and I'm here to take Flo to the show'
'Geez, alright Flo, go have a good time at the show', says the farmer.
Finally, a third car pulls up and a third young man comes sauntering over to the farmer.
'Hello sir. My name's Chuck'. So the farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anlvez/a_farmer_was_working_out_in_the_field_with_his/
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Here is an app idea: Tinder but with...

people that want  to be in a relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anluoj/here_is_an_app_idea_tinder_but_with/
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Dolly Parton is such a beloved figure in America, the DSM-5 has already classified a disease that American's might feel when she dies.

Post-Parton Depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anlrt6/dolly_parton_is_such_a_beloved_figure_in_america/
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A Fireman, A Little Girl, and Her Cat

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck, the firefighter," said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's privates. "Little partner," the firefighter said, " I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anlpwz/a_fireman_a_little_girl_and_her_cat/
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I can't resist peeing on women.

It's my R. Kelly's heel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anlkx6/i_cant_resist_peeing_on_women/
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I dont know why catholic schools dont like ripped jeans...

They are the holy-est pants I have ever seen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anl9ja/i_dont_know_why_catholic_schools_dont_like_ripped/
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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anl6in/what_do_you_call_a_vegetarian_with_diarrhea/
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If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years...

he’ll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anl2ci/if_6ix9ine_serves_his_47_years/
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I had a hen who could count her own eggs

She was a mathamachicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ankzap/i_had_a_hen_who_could_count_her_own_eggs/
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Someone said that all the songs in Moana are pop songs.

But it is quite clear that "You're Welcome" is a rock song.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ankn1u/someone_said_that_all_the_songs_in_moana_are_pop/
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An interview with a farmer

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed): Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ankm36/an_interview_with_a_farmer/
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The terms “I’m sorry” and “my bad” typically mean the same thing

Except at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anklyt/the_terms_im_sorry_and_my_bad_typically_mean_the/
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God is everywhere

So a kid is having trouble pulling his wagon up to the hill where there was a tree to collect apples. A half hour passes, and he doesn't know what to do. So a Christian woman happens to pass by and stops to ask what he's doing.
"I'm having trouble. I'm trying to get this wagon up the hill to get apples but I can't." Says the boy.
"Have you tried asking God?", said the woman.
"Who's God?" The boy wonders.
"He's wonderful! He can solve all your problems and make your sadness go away!" The woman cheered.
"Where is he?" He asks.
"God is everywhere." She replies.
"Everywhere?"
"Yes, everywhere!" The woman happily said.
"Then tell that little fucker to get out my wagon and help me push it up the hill!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ank6ij/god_is_everywhere/
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Do you think turtles live longer than humans because...

they live a shell-tered life?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ank2wc/do_you_think_turtles_live_longer_than_humans/
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My friends say there is someone gay in our friend circle...

I hope is john, he's really cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anjy1t/my_friends_say_there_is_someone_gay_in_our_friend/
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3 years ago my doctor told I was going deaf.

I haven't heard from him ever since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anjrz8/3_years_ago_my_doctor_told_i_was_going_deaf/
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A racist and a sexual predator walk into a Virginia bar

The whole bar screams “Welcome Governors”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anjit7/a_racist_and_a_sexual_predator_walk_into_a/
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What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

Synonym Rolls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anjihu/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
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I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.

Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anjh44/i_dont_know_why_most_people_think_a_dogs_life_is/
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Karl Marx's Grave

It's just a Communist plot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anjbge/karl_marxs_grave/
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My son kept begging for a present, so I went to the store and got a XBox for him.

I was shocked that they accept kids as payment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anj930/my_son_kept_begging_for_a_present_so_i_went_to/
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[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"
The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this claim - anyone could falsify papers. May I try these apples in person?" Even though the clerk was clearly skeptical, the man nods and says, "Follow me to my orchard!"
Once there, the man brought the patent clerk to the rows dedicated to the different flavors of apple - one row was marked with a picture of a banana and a mango, one had a picture of a blueberry and a pomegranate, on and on down the line. The man picks the best of each flavor and hands them to the clerk. "Take a bite from the side closest to you.
The clerk exclaims, "This tastes exactly like watermelon! What's the other flavor?"
The man says, "Cherry. Turn it a bit." The clerk turns the apple and takes a bite from the unbutton half, and is again amazed at the taste. They go through the apple flavors like this for a while:
"This could be the juiciest mango in the world, if not for the texture!"
"Turn it a bit."
And so on and so forth until the clerk is nearly breathless with amazement. "Do you have any idea how fantastic this is? Some of those apples tasted better than the actual fruit! We need to get your patent filed immediately!"
The man smiles and beckons the clerk to lean in before whispering, "Look, if you're interested in it, I also have an apple that tastes like the sweetest vag you've ever dreamed of. Follow me and I'll give you a couple to take home."
The clerk nods and follows the man in stunned amazement, excitement growing as they went further and further towards a more neglected section of the orchard, where a single apple tree stood. The man hands the clerk an apple and says, "go on, take a bite."
The patent clerk is practically shaking in anticipation and excitement at this point, but he manages to calm down, take a deep breath, then bite into it. After a couple seconds of chewing, he spits it onto the ground and says, "My God, I hope it's still in development, because that tasted like utter shit!"
"Oh, sorry," said the man, "just turn it a bit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anj6oo/long_nsfw_one_warm_autumn_day/
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I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive,  and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anj5ii/i_dont_understand_all_these_jokes_about/
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What does a guy with two left legs wear at the beach

Flip flips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anj2ze/what_does_a_guy_with_two_left_legs_wear_at_the/
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What did the biscuit say when it got run over?

Nothing. Biscuits can’t talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aniz5r/what_did_the_biscuit_say_when_it_got_run_over/
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I like math for the most part...

But graphing is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anivrk/i_like_math_for_the_most_part/
%
One day while at the farmers market a man came upon a cart with a sign that read “Magic Apples”

He asked the farmer what could possibly be magic about apples. The farmer handed him a fruit and said try it. After taking a bite the man said to the farmer, “It’s a fine apple, but still just an apple.” To which the farmer replied “Turn it over”. The man turned the apple over, took another bite, and to his surprise it tasted like cotton candy. He was flabbergasted, and asked the farmer how he had grown such amazing fruit. The farmer just smiled and said “Magic”. Well the man insisted on trying several more apples, each one had a surprise non apple side. There was hotdog, lemonade, vanilla ice cream, the possibilities seemed endless, just take a bite of regular apple, turn it over, get something special. Suddenly the mans eyes opened wide, he leaned over and whispered to the farmer “You got one of these apples that taste like pussy?” The farmer smiled and handed the man an apple from a basket behind the cart. Taking a huge bite, the man sputtered and gagged, spitting the apple out he exclaimed “That apple tastes like shit!” The farmer calmly replied “Turn it over”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aniugc/one_day_while_at_the_farmers_market_a_man_came/
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Dad: Son, get me that doptid, son: what's a doptid?

Dad: you are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anit2b/dad_son_get_me_that_doptid_son_whats_a_doptid/
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Oh man, damn it.

I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern philosophies, not because of a stupid single-ply toilet paper from Walmart!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aniryu/oh_man_damn_it/
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What does Farmer Travis Scott do when his crops are ready?

He goes Sickle Mode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anim8x/what_does_farmer_travis_scott_do_when_his_crops/
%
The result of a silly mistake...

Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anilpt/the_result_of_a_silly_mistake/
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Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life? Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anik0i/me_would_you_like_to_be_the_sun_in_my_life_her/
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A man goes to the circus

After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.
"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.
"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.
"Pssh, a lot of people can do that", says the manager.
"Oh well then", the man says and flies away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anihoe/a_man_goes_to_the_circus/
%
It's so cold outside...

even the ATM shows minus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anieoj/its_so_cold_outside/
%
I was in my local newsagents this morning. I asked the pretty young girl behind the counter, "Do you keep stationary?" Left me red faced when she replied,

"Only to begin with, then I go like a fucking rabbit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anie3u/i_was_in_my_local_newsagents_this_morning_i_asked/
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Teacher: Simon, can you say your name backwards?

Simon replies: “No Mis”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anie25/teacher_simon_can_you_say_your_name_backwards/
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...

I love to reiterate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anicwy/ive_said_it_before_and_ill_say_it_again/
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wife: can you to give me a ring for our wedding anniversary

husband: sure , why not
wife: can you give it to me like a surprise when i'm at work, i want everyone to know.
husband: sure
wife: on Friday morning we have a huge meeting and everyone at work will be there. i think that would be a good time .
husband: sure. keep your phone in full volume

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anicrt/wife_can_you_to_give_me_a_ring_for_our_wedding/
%
My wife recently got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anibtf/my_wife_recently_got_a_tattoo_of_a_seashell_on/
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You can tell a woman likes you by the position of her ankles

..if her ankles are behind her ears, then she really likes you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anibqz/you_can_tell_a_woman_likes_you_by_the_position_of/
%
I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"
So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.
He said "I had to fire him"
I asked "why?"
He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"
"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"
He said "I fired her as well"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aniaqk/i_walked_past_the_butchers_and_saw_a_sign_in_the/
%
Did you hear about the gay druggy in Dubai?

He kept getting stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ani946/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_druggy_in_dubai/
%
So i went to have a prostate exam the other day

The doctor told me to take my underwear and trousers off, but i had a Complete mindblank moment and said "Where should i put them?"
He looked at me with reassuring eyes and replied "Just pop them next to mine".
I wish all doctors were this considerate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ani8ej/so_i_went_to_have_a_prostate_exam_the_other_day/
%
Man, if I got transformed into a pregnancy test...

...I'd be pissed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ani6hk/man_if_i_got_transformed_into_a_pregnancy_test/
%
Why was the boy with 47 chromosomes crying?

Because he's Down.
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ani42p/why_was_the_boy_with_47_chromosomes_crying/
%
I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ani0lm/i_accidentally_drank_a_little_food_colouring_last/
%
Tomorrow I'm going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ani0dd/tomorrow_im_going_to_open_the_time_capsule_i/
%
During a visit to the mental asylum...

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.....
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anhupd/during_a_visit_to_the_mental_asylum/
%
Broke guy walks into a brothel...

Man: "All I have is $20 bucks, what can I get for that?"
Madame: "Fine. Go to door number 5 over there."
He goes to door number 5, and all he sees in there is a chicken.   Being horny, and with no one around and having nothing to lose he quickly drops his pants and starts having sex with the chicken with lots of squaking and feathers flying everywhere.
The following week he returns with only $10 and asks what he gets for that.  The Madame says no problem: "Go to door number 4."
There he sees a group of people behind a two way mirror watching and laughing hysterically as a man fucks a goat on the other side of the mirror.  Amused, he starts hollering and hooting along with them.
Then one of the other guys turns to him and said: "This is nothing.  You should have been here last week there was a guy fucking a chicken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anhujx/broke_guy_walks_into_a_brothel/
%
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anhu2p/my_local_drug_dealer_started_dressing_up_as_a/
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I walked into my uncle’s bedroom and saw him giving a hooker $50 for anal

I barged in and yelled, “He pays you?!?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anhnp3/i_walked_into_my_uncles_bedroom_and_saw_him/
%
Once, there were three kingdoms by a lake.

The first was very rich and powerful, while the second was on a good slope up top. The third was an absolute shitshow, and had nothing to show for itself.
One day, the three kingdoms found out that there was a lot of gold and riches deep in the lake, and all of them claimed it. To decide on ownership, they all went to war.The first kingdom sent a 1000 knights and a 1000 squires, while the second sent 500 knights and 500 squires. The third sent an old and weak Knight and an insanely strong squire, who was well reputed all around.
By the time the warriors reached the battlefield, night had fallen and they decided to fight at dawn.
The knights of the first and second kingdoms drank heartily and slept while the squires were on guard and cleaning duty. The third kingdom couldn't afford drinks, so the squire hung a pot high from a tree with a noose and cooked a meal for himself.
Dawn broke, and the knights of the first and second kingdom were insanely wasted. The other Knight had died in the cold.
The squires of the first to kingdoms decided the gang up on the super squire and kill him first, but when they fought, he killed them all and then died.
Which means that the squire of the high pot n noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anhn8r/once_there_were_three_kingdoms_by_a_lake/
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(adult) What's the max Top Speed a girl can have sex?

68mph.
Because any faster she'll flip over and blow a rod.
*Wonder how many "hi my name is rod" replies..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anhk7w/adult_whats_the_max_top_speed_a_girl_can_have_sex/
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I hope I never apply for a job that drug tests.

Cuz I don't know shit about drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anhjp1/i_hope_i_never_apply_for_a_job_that_drug_tests/
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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose...

Full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anh8n5/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_runny_nose/
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One day a giant tornado went through Austria...

...but luckily all the children were already in the basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anh8jr/one_day_a_giant_tornado_went_through_austria/
%
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.  With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive.  It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00.  George thinks for some time and answers, "I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do." The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."  "No, it’s not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anh8aj/george_went_on_a_vacation_to_the_middle_east_with/
%
My girlfriend is like infinity.

Off the charts, but only a concept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anh4zw/my_girlfriend_is_like_infinity/
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Passionate Sex at 95

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Rubia went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, *'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.*
Horrified, Rubia told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny.! 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.. It was just the right rhythm.. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued........
'He'd still be alive if the damn fire engine had not passed by'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/angs7r/passionate_sex_at_95/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

**She gagged**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/angqv8/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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Never let a disability get in the way of your dreams.

Just look at Beethoven. Everyone said he couldn’t be a musician because he was deaf. But did he listen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/angpxs/never_let_a_disability_get_in_the_way_of_your/
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Despite the fact that whenever I eat any products with wheat in I get stomach cramps, I still regularly enjoy consuming it.

You could say that I'm a gluten for pun-ishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/angmch/despite_the_fact_that_whenever_i_eat_any_products/
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What are the chances that a gorilla would jump on a lion?

Anyways I lost my job at the zoo today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/angmcc/what_are_the_chances_that_a_gorilla_would_jump_on/
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I have five kids and none of them will ever be vaccinated.

Do you have any idea how expensive college is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/angl0r/i_have_five_kids_and_none_of_them_will_ever_be/
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A blind man walks into a bar. He sits down and says "Who here wan't to hear a blond joke?"

The waitress says "Oh honey, I'm blond!   And my co worker is blond too.  Also, the lady sitting next to you is blond as well.  Are you sure you wan't to tell it?"
The blind guy says "No, I guess not.  Thanks for the warning.  I don't have time to explain it three times".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/angk7b/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar_he_sits_down_and/
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The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/angixo/the_nhs_has_just_revealed_a_list_of_longterm_side/
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I've just searched for half an hour to see if the joke I was going to post was a repost

It wasn't, so I'm going to have to think of another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/angepd/ive_just_searched_for_half_an_hour_to_see_if_the/
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I came up with a great name for an antidepressant

Woe-Be-Gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/angcrz/i_came_up_with_a_great_name_for_an_antidepressant/
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A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow

Found out she meant trout, not Skittles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/angc8m/a_girl_told_me_her_pussy_tasted_like_a_rainbow/
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A man was shot earlier today with a starter's pistol

Police suspect the incident was race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ang8of/a_man_was_shot_earlier_today_with_a_starters/
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How do you make an insect feel sad?

With depressant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ang7yd/how_do_you_make_an_insect_feel_sad/
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Reasons I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day this year

1. It's pay day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ang3ca/reasons_im_looking_forward_to_valentines_day_this/
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Did you know there is a country where you are legally allowed to have sex with children?

Yeah it's called Vatican City

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ang2jt/did_you_know_there_is_a_country_where_you_are/
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I always miss the people I break up with.

I should really improve my aim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anfxaa/i_always_miss_the_people_i_break_up_with/
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Initially, I was excited about my mini butt plugs business.

But it's really fallen between the cracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anfwhh/initially_i_was_excited_about_my_mini_butt_plugs/
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Here’s how you get the perfect prom date.

So you have the girl picked out, maybe not the prettiest to all, but in your eyes, wow. Now maybe not the hardest to get, but she still gives you butterflies talking to her.
Now you can’t simply walk up to her and ask, you gotta be smooth about it. After some thought you decide on flowers and chocolates! A cliche is cliche because it works right? You go to the store after school and wait in the line. So you wait.
And you wait.
And you wait.
Finally you get through the line, checkout, and go home.
Now today’s is the day you ask her! Go ahead she’s right over there.
*Goes exactly how you imagine it would*
I knew she’d say yes! There’s no way she could resist you. Now you got yourself a date! First things first you got to get yourself a tuxedo. I know just the place, here’s a freebie rental card, drop by later today.
You go the the tuxedo shop, and the place is packed. You somehow manage to find a worker to take your measurements, fit on a shirt or two, fit a few pairs of pants, and finally the jacket. The worker fits your tux on to two hangers and throws a clear bag over it and refers you to check out. So you wait.
And you wait.
And you wait.
And finally they scan the freebie and are on your way home.
Now it turns out your date has A LOT of friends. Something you’re unfamiliar with I’m sure. It seems like she has put together a group and the consensus is that everyone wants a limo. The money all comes in, but seems like you’re stuck with scheduling the limo.
You call the local limo company just to find their phone line is down. Emails take two to three businesses days, which is time you don’t have! So you decide you drive down there yourself. The place is absolutely swamped with a line out of the door. Prom season is the worst. So you get in line and wait.
And wait.
And wait.
And finally you are able to schedule your limousine rental.
The big day is finally here! All the gents are downstairs talking about how badly Clemson spanked Alabama, while all the ladies are upstairs still getting ready. Eventually pictures are taken, parents start crying, and THAT couple are already making out. The limo arrives soon after, and you’re all on your merry way.
You arrive at your venue, it happens to be at an aquarium. Unfortunately you arrive just after the gates have opened, so the line is massive. So you get in line and wait.
And wait
And wait.
And finally you get in. You and your date go straight for the food. You both find the fish exhibit and wander for a bit. Eventually you two find a seat and she says she’s a bit thirsty.
So you decide to go wait for some punch and there was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anfvgk/heres_how_you_get_the_perfect_prom_date/
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When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet.

I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anfup1/when_i_was_a_kid_i_had_a_26_card_deck_for_each/
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A guy goes to a doctor

After the doctor looks at his records he asks him what's worng
The guy tells the doctor 'I'll show it to you but please don't laugh at me'
Doctor goes 'Don't be ridiculous I would never do that'
The guy still not sure says 'Swear to me'
The doctor sincerely says 'I have been a Doctor for the past 22 year and in all those years i have never laughed at a patient's condition, especially not to their face'
Relieved the patient stands up and drops his pants revealing the smallest penis he had ever seen in his entire life
The doctor brusts out in laughter
The patient just stands there humiliated, he thinks of leaving but decides just to get it over with
The doctor composes himself after a few more minutes and apologises, he then asks the patient what the problem was
'Its swollen'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anfs23/a_guy_goes_to_a_doctor/
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I tried and failed to make an underwater breathing machine in Minecraft.

I just conduit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anfnrk/i_tried_and_failed_to_make_an_underwater/
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What is the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

Timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anfnly/what_is_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and_a/
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My goal is to become an optimist. I have done absolutely nothing for the goal so far ...

... but that’s already a very good start!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anfnew/my_goal_is_to_become_an_optimist_i_have_done/
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I really wanted to become a pornstar but I had heard that all the popular ones were circumcised.

I guess I just wasn’t cut out for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anfk9m/i_really_wanted_to_become_a_pornstar_but_i_had/
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While renovating my fence I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with silver, gold and platinum

The things you get by re-posting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anfja1/while_renovating_my_fence_i_was_digging_a_hole_in/
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My wife and I decided we don't want to have children

So far the kids are taking it pretty rough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anfaxr/my_wife_and_i_decided_we_dont_want_to_have/
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I got a letter from Ikea

When I opened it to see what it was about, I  noticed it was in a different language. Unfortunately I just couldn't put it together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anfams/i_got_a_letter_from_ikea/
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What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW

A porcupine has pricks on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anf70c/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
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A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anf3ib/a_priests_asks_the_convicted_murderer_at_the/
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A dad puts a deer in the oven for dinner but doesn’t tell his children what they’re having...

Kids: Dad what are we having for dinner?
Dad: It’s what your mom calls me...
Kids: DON’T EAT IT, ITS A FUCKING DICK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anf12l/a_dad_puts_a_deer_in_the_oven_for_dinner_but/
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Two toothpicks are walking through the forest,

a hedgehog walks past them. The one toothpick says to the other one: "i didn't knew that there is a busstop over here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anf0fy/two_toothpicks_are_walking_through_the_forest/
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Pretending to be married

A man and a pretty woman who had never met before found themselves sharing a sleeping compartment on a train.
The man on the top bunk and the lady on the bottom bunk.
During the night, man woke and asked “Sorry to bother you, but would you reach into the closet to get me the 2nd blanket, I’m freezing!”
“I have a better idea” she replied, “Why don’t we pretend we are married?”
“Wow, what a great idea!” he said.
“Good” she said, “Get your own blanket yourself, you lazy bastard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anerbf/pretending_to_be_married/
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A joke I heard from my pastor last sunday

A Buddhist, a Muslim and a Christian quarrels over whose god is the most powerful. They eventually decided to have a competition by showing that their god can save them from a grave danger.
So they all went to the edge of a cliff. The buddhist said "I will jump off this cliff but as I call to Buddha I will not be harmed."
So the Buddhist jumps off the cliff and calls to Buddha.
"Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha" he yells.
When he was near the ground his fall started to slow down until eventually he levitated.
The Muslim, unimpressed by the Buddhist said that Allah can grant him the power of flight. So he jumped off.
As he falls he calls for Allah.
"Allahu Akbar Allahu Akbar Allahu Akbar."
As he nears the ground his calls became desperate.
"Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!"
The ground broke his fall.
The Buddhist, while still levitating, nods to the Christian to tell him it's his turn.
Surely the Lord will save me from any harm he says to himself. So he jumps off the cliff and prays to god.
"Lord Jesus Lord God Holy Spirit save me save me" he said as he was falling.
Midway to the ground he calls for the blessed mary and the saints for help.
"Saint Paul, Saint Peter, Mary please save me please save me."
As he was getting dangerously close to the ground he said;
"Oh lord jesus, god, hol- BUDDHA BUDDHA BUDDHA BUDDHA BUDDHA."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aner5r/a_joke_i_heard_from_my_pastor_last_sunday/
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My girl asked me to show more interest in her family...

...so I fucked her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aneq52/my_girl_asked_me_to_show_more_interest_in_her/
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When Spiderman shoots a sticky substance all over someone he's "amazing"...

But when I do it I'm a pervert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anep8u/when_spiderman_shoots_a_sticky_substance_all_over/
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Any good 9/11 jokes

or do they not land well?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aneoe3/any_good_911_jokes/
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A man visits the doctor because his voice is too deep

The man says in this great, booming voice, "Doc, can you help me, my Voice is too deep. The doctor walks up and says, "Ok, lets take a look, drop your pants for me." The man complies and the doctor stares down, shocked. "I think I see the problem, your dick is so large that its pulling down on your vocal cords, deepening your voice to this degree. We can fix this with surgery, we just need to take this large bit out and you'll be good to go." The man replies overjoyed, again in his amazingly deep voice, "thats great, when can we get this done?" The doctor replies, "well right now if you have the time, so just lie down and we'll have this done for you." The surgery was a success and the man leaves with his newfound normal-sounding voice. He shows up a week later and says, in his normal voice, " hey doc, thanks again for your hard work in getting this done for me, but my wife kinda misses that old part, is there any way that we can get that put back?" The doctor says, in this great, big, booming voice, shaking the very building, "you see, I dont think that will be possible."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anelgo/a_man_visits_the_doctor_because_his_voice_is_too/
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An American Student in Israel

David, an American student went to Israel to study abroad for a semester at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. As part of his program he was placed with a host family for housing. An elderly gentleman named Joshua Levin welcomed him into the large home with many rooms.
As Joshua gave a tour of the house they came into a large sitting room with oil paintings of different men. David asked, “Who are all of these men in portraits on the wall?”
“Ah,” said Joshua, “This is my family! When Israel was founded I had cousins all over the world who returned home to help rebuild our nation.”
“Really?” said David. “Tell me about them.”
“This first man was a great General in the Haganah, Eli Katz. The Haganah became the Israeli Defense Forces you know.”
“Oh, I had learned about that in my history class,” said David. “Impressive that you are related to one of those leaders.”
“Yes, yes,” said Joshua, “He was my Uncle. And this next man was his Cousin - Joseph Cohen. He was a top bureaucrat in the Ministry of Finance and is most responsible for the policies that established the Bank of Israel.”
“Wow, that’s equally impressive!” said David.
“Thank you,” said Joshua. “I must also show you this next picture. This is my father, Ben Levin. He won the Israel Prize, our greatest cultural award for his poetry - it is like your Presidential Medal of Freedom. It is said that his words inspired a generation.”
“Your father must have been a very great man,” said David. “But I see one picture here that is larger and has a golden frame. Who is this man with the most impressive portrait?”
“My boy, he is the most important of all! Don’t you recognize the man in charge?”
David was puzzled. “What do you mean? Is he the Prime Minister?”
“No!” said Joshua. “That’s Ari Post, the King of Reddit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anel4y/an_american_student_in_israel/
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What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

A depresso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anel0c/what_do_you_call_a_sad_cup_of_coffee/
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Whenever I have to hire people I throw half of the applications in the trash can

I don't want to hire any unlucky people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aneks5/whenever_i_have_to_hire_people_i_throw_half_of/
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"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"

"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anej4y/when_i_stick_it_in_my_mouth_do_you_want_me_to/
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Little Johnny swears all the time

His mother is at hers wit’s end. So she went to consult with a Priest.
“My daughter, sometimes we have to strike where it hurts the most, to educate our children. Let me ask you, do you give your son a monthly allowance?”
“Yes, Father, I give him 50 bucks.”
“So, every time he utters a swearword, you will count it. At the end of the month, he will come here and donate 10 cents for every swearword. After some time, he will stop swearing just so he could keep some of his allowance.”
They do so and the mother counts each profanity Johnny sweared for the whole month. Then she sends him to the church.
“Thank you for coming, Little Johnny, I hope your mother told you about our deal?”
“Come on, Father, let’s get this done already.”
“Okay. So, how many swearwords did you use this month?”
“499, Father.”
“FOUR HUNDRED—-!? Jesus Christ, my boy! Well, so you must donate 49.90 to the Church. I hope this teaches you a good lesson!”
They boy offers a $50 note. The Priest check his pockets.
“Oh, my son, I’m sorry, but i don’t have any change!”
Little Johnny smiles.
“No problem. Go fuck yourself, Father, and now we are even.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anei2l/little_johnny_swears_all_the_time/
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Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z

Groom: Why did you say that?
Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anef80/vicar_a_b_c_d_e_f_g_h_i_j_k_l_m_n_o_p_q_r_s_t_man/
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"I got fired today," I told my mate, .

"for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh," he replied.
"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control," I said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anedzo/i_got_fired_today_i_told_my_mate/
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A 90 Year Old gentleman visits the doctor's office and says

**"Doc, I want to live another 20 years"**
The Doctor asks:
*"Do you drink?"*
**"No"**
*"Do you smoke?"*
**"No"**
*"Do you do any drugs?"*
**"No"**
*"Do you chase women?"*
**"No"**
*"Then why do you want to live another 20 years?!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anebym/a_90_year_old_gentleman_visits_the_doctors_office/
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What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aneab8/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
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A bunch of blokes are in a pub and a woman walks past.

1 bloke says to the rest of his mates "i would give her one"
The woman over hears this, turns around and says "I would not have sex with you even if you were the last man on earth"
The bloke replies "who said anything about sex? i was rating you out of 10"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ane9x9/a_bunch_of_blokes_are_in_a_pub_and_a_woman_walks/
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I was in a band which we called The Prevention

**We hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ane6zs/i_was_in_a_band_which_we_called_the_prevention/
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Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous!

I see we have a lot of new faces this week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ane6jr/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_anonymous/
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A woman was sitting at a bar

enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ane4sd/a_woman_was_sitting_at_a_bar/
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One hot summer day in the city...

A group of boys are hanging around on the corner with nothing to do. One of their mothers opens her window and shouts down to them "hey you boys better stay outta trouble! Go on and buy yourself something to keep you busy!" And throws a $5 bill down to them.
One of the boys grabs the money and runs to the corner store as the other boys excitedly follow him. He runs into the store and buys a box of tampons.
The other boys are incredulous to see that he wasted the money on tampons and demand an explanation.
He holds up the box proudly "Look at all we can do! It says right here on the side of the box! Now we can go swimming!... We can go horse back riding!..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ane4bp/one_hot_summer_day_in_the_city/
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Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.

By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ane49h/never_say_anything_bad_about_a_man_until_you_have/
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At the drug store

A little boy and his dad were at the drug store and they just so happened to come upon the condom aisle.
The little boy asked his dad "Daddy why are there so many different boxes of condoms?"
"For different stages in your life." said the dad.
"What's the 3 pack for?"
"Well, that's for when your in High School 2 for Friday night, and 1 for Saturday night."
"Then whats the 6 pack for?"
"For when your at college. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
"Oh. Then what's the 12 pack for?"
"Well, that's for when your married. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March........"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ane48q/at_the_drug_store/
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Santa was working

And year after year, his workshop got expensive, so he started phasing out the elves with trolls. The trolls were larger and not quite as smart, but they were way cheaper and about 75% as effective. Santa didn't fire any elves, but as they got old and retired, he replaced them with trolls. Over the years there came to be one single old elf that continued to hold on and work, which Santa allowed. The trolls resented him because he made a lot more for doing what they though to be the same quality of work. They went on strike. After a few days, Santa sat them down, told them to stop striking, and exclamed, "Stop this now! A house divided against its elf cannot stand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ane3t4/santa_was_working/
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The left butt cheek says to the right butt cheek

If we stick together we can stop all this shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ane3hm/the_left_butt_cheek_says_to_the_right_butt_cheek/
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What did the treasure hunter say when he finally found the map of the Golden City?

Atlas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ane1nb/what_did_the_treasure_hunter_say_when_he_finally/
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It's National Shower with a Friend Day, YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?

Glad we're not friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ane0ji/its_national_shower_with_a_friend_day_you/
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A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"  The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."  So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.  The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.  A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"  The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.  The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!"  The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude.......how much water did you drink?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/andzsy/a_monkey_is_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint/
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My wife began reading 'The Exorcist'.

She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.
I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed. That night was the first time she ever screamed and fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/andyqa/my_wife_began_reading_the_exorcist/
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Just burned 2000 calories

That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/andy9p/just_burned_2000_calories/
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My friend claims yoga is the best possible thing you can do for your body.

Seems like a bit of a stretch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/andvzd/my_friend_claims_yoga_is_the_best_possible_thing/
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What do you call a swimmer with no arms and no legs?

Bob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/andsiq/what_do_you_call_a_swimmer_with_no_arms_and_no/
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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.
At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.
It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden ... and probably quite a few more.
As the night went on people are getting drunker and drunker and a few even disappear upstairs to hook up.
I was standing in the corner by myself not really interacting with anyone else.
I had spent the whole winter sitting in a damp basement in front of a computer and was probably a bit rusty.
The party's heating up and this blonde girl notices me standing there and walks over to me.
She had already taken her jacket off and was just wearing a tank top. This girl looked super hot.
She smiles and runs her hand over me. My pole was seriously hard.
Then she kneels down in front of me and as you can imagine I was already turned on at this point.
She's pushing all my buttons and my head is spinning. It's not long before I blow all over her face and chest.
Her boyfriend is right in the next room, she hadn't closed the door and he just saw the whole thing.
He walks up to us, looking really hot under the collar.
He gets right up in my face and she backs away, but she accidentally trips over my extension chord because I was a ... big ... metal ... fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/andqeg/i_was_a_big_metal_fan_back_in_high_school/
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Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"
Police officer: "yes, your son"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/andg6p/police_officer_im_here_to_inform_you_that_your/
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How do you perform a circumcision?

Consult your doctor, only a professional knows how to pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/andg55/how_do_you_perform_a_circumcision/
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For his 50th wedding anniversary, a man decided to buy some lingerie for his wife.

He went to one of the finer stores in town and asked to see some of their nightgowns. When the salesperson brought out the first item he asked how much it was and was told $100. “I’d like something a little more sheer” said the gentleman. The salesperson brought out a second item, whereupon the gentleman asked the price and was told it was $250. “That’s still not sheer enough”, replied the man - “bring me out the sheerest nightgown that you have.”. When the third nightgown arrived and he saw how thin it was he ponied up the $500 that was on the price tag.
When he brought it home he excitedly asked his wife to try it on. She obliged and headed upstairs to change. She noticed the sales receipt for $500 in the box and thought to herself, “My goodness-this is so sheer that I doubt he’ll even be able to tell if I’m wearing it. I’ll just stand naked at the top of the stairs, return the item and spend the $500 on something that I really like.”  She shed all of her clothes and headed out to the top of the stairs, calling to her husband, twirling around and asking him what he thought of the nightgown. The husband looked at her for a second and then replied, “Well shit, for $500 you think they would’ve at least ironed it first!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/andeps/for_his_50th_wedding_anniversary_a_man_decided_to/
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I found a suicide vest in the attic this morning.

I was looking for an old poster I had when I was younger. Couldn’t remember what it was, maybe for a movie? Anyways, I was hunting in the attic and I saw an old vest with several bombs tied to it. I couldn’t see if there was a way to detonate it or not.
So, I took it down to my room, and I did some research. Under the right shoulder, I found a tag. The words were faded, and there was only about 4 of the 8 or 9 letters left, and it said “this”.
I’ll keep searching and update you guys if I find anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ande5e/i_found_a_suicide_vest_in_the_attic_this_morning/
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You can't spell 'congressman'

without 'con man'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/andawp/you_cant_spell_congressman/
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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/and7z2/a_newlywed_farmer_and_his_wife_were_visited_by/
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The oldest job in the world

A surgeon,gardener and electrician sitting in a bar talking about the worlds oldest job.
The Surgeon laughed and said: “HAH! Ofcourse surgeon is the oldest job in the world who else removed the rib from adams body for god to create eve! He doesn’t even have a scar from it!”
Then the Gardener laughed and said:”Haha! You fool,gardener is the oldest job in the world!
Someone had to make sure the Garden of Eden was beautiful and all the bushes were shaved before god’s creation appeared!”
The Electrician laughed as he drank from his pint and said:”you both are complete fools everyone knows electrician is the oldest job in the world!”
“Before God even created light we were already installing cables for 5 days!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/and6h8/the_oldest_job_in_the_world/
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You know you spend too much time sitting, playing piano...

...when your Bach hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/and63y/you_know_you_spend_too_much_time_sitting_playing/
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A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ancy6w/a_90yearold_man_goes_for_a_physical_and_all_of/
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A man walks into his cell to meet his new cellmate....

.. who is 6'4 and 240 pounds, a man they call 'Bubba'.
Bubba tells him "In this cell we are going to play House. Now, do you want to play the husband or the wife?".
The new fish looks up at Bubba's wide frame and large build. He takes a gulp, thinks for a moment and anxiously replies "I'll be the husband", thinking it to be the lesser of two evils.
Bubba's eyes light up and a smile comes across his face as he says:
"Good, now come here and suck ya wife's cock!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ancrgw/a_man_walks_into_his_cell_to_meet_his_new_cellmate/
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They say that you are what you eat...

I don't remember eating a person with dementia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ancr70/they_say_that_you_are_what_you_eat/
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Cougar relationships are great for both sides: She got to brag to her friends about sleeping with a younger guy, and

I got to pass 8th grade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ancptt/cougar_relationships_are_great_for_both_sides_she/
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Whats better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ancns7/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
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Willy felt a little weird, so he went to the doctor

Doctor: I've got some bad news, Willy.
Willy: What is it doc?
Doctor: You gotta stop masturbating.
Willy: Oh god......why?
Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ancn0m/willy_felt_a_little_weird_so_he_went_to_the_doctor/
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Did you hear about the depressed guy in a wheelchair?

He couldn't stand himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anckv4/did_you_hear_about_the_depressed_guy_in_a/
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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

"Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anchjj/a_man_went_into_a_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
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whats the difference between anal and oral?

one makes your whole night, the other makes your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ancg54/whats_the_difference_between_anal_and_oral/
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When the cashier said, "strip down, facing me"

How was I to know she meant my debit card?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ancf7e/when_the_cashier_said_strip_down_facing_me/
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Dad Jokes

Dad jokes aren’t an affliction that happens to dads, they’re a way of life. No one should ever be ashamed of #dadjokes. Instead, if you are a father, you should be worried if you don’t know enough good dad jokes.
You know that old saying, “Where there’s a will there’s a way?” That’s a pretty good one. Another good saying? “A corny joke doesn’t have to have any kernels in it.” Yeah, that’s not a real saying. But it feels like it, right? That’s the beauty of #dadjoke — that wordplay makes you self-satisfied and your kids want to disappear under the dinner table. It’s one of the perks that comes with a lifetime membership to the dad club, so make sure you have a good groaner for every occasion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anc8cj/dad_jokes/
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Two bears are swimming in water, a black bear and a white bear. Which one dissolves?

The white one, because it's polar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anc40v/two_bears_are_swimming_in_water_a_black_bear_and/
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Swedish superstition

An American woman is married to a Swedish guy. Their marriage is otherwise happy but (i) they are both in Reddit and (ii) she has noticed that every now and then he seems to disappear in the middle of the night and come back with a strange smell about him.
Then one night she's not quite asleep yet when she notices him getting out of the bed. She sneaks after him and sees him climb the ladder to the attic. Heart pounding she follows, staying in the shadows. She sees him standing next to a noose that dangles from the balks, and caressing the rope with ... a bit of cheese?!
Voice trembling she steps to the light.
"Now what on EARTH do you think you're doing?!"
"Oh it's you. This is just an ancient Swedish trick I learned from my great-grandmother. I've told you that the Swedish word for "cheese" is "ost", haven't I?"
"I su-suppose so, yes."
"And the Swedish word for "rope" is "rep". You see, in Sweden the old folks say that rep-osting at midnight gives you good karma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anbno8/swedish_superstition/
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What is the last thing that goes through a bee's head when it hits the windshield?

His ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anbk86/what_is_the_last_thing_that_goes_through_a_bees/
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Nothing is stronger than love

Except Ronnie Coleman.
He can squat 800lbs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anbhw5/nothing_is_stronger_than_love/
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What do you call 5 rednecks at a redlight?

A pick-up line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anba80/what_do_you_call_5_rednecks_at_a_redlight/
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What's the suicide bomber's worst fear?

Dying alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anb9ed/whats_the_suicide_bombers_worst_fear/
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A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.
The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometimes you could occasionally hear the monk laugh. When the captain went to glance if something is wrong, he was all alone. Perplexed, he returned back.
This goes on for a few days until the captain asks what's up with his laughing. The monk says, "Oh, it's nothing. As part of my spiritual journey I converse with my sewing supplies."
"Oh, what do you guys talk about?"
"Usually jokes. However, I draw my personal line at religious jokes."
The captain is dumbfounded, but lets him do his work in peace.
This goes on until one day, the sewing supplies run out so is replaced by the ones already in the submarine. Then, the captain suddenly hears a huge heated argument in the monk's chamber! He rushes and sees the monk arguing with the brand-new sewing kit.
"What happened!?" asks the captain.
The monk replies: "It's the damn sewing kit! The threads of this sub think they're funny with their karma jokes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anb33s/a_monk_got_a_stitching_job_in_a_submarine/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered Six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anb0ry/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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The real mistake of the half-time show was that Maroon 5 performed on a stage shaped like an M.

When they should've set it to W for Wumbo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anav3b/the_real_mistake_of_the_halftime_show_was_that/
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I asked someone from Reddit if he could come fix my fence

but he just re-posted it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anat0z/i_asked_someone_from_reddit_if_he_could_come_fix/
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Catholic priests are like Spinal Tap's amps

...they go up to 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anasoz/catholic_priests_are_like_spinal_taps_amps/
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What’s the difference between incels and serial killers?

Women won’t let incels anywhere near them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anasnx/whats_the_difference_between_incels_and_serial/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch

The bartender asks, "hey, what's with the wheel?"
The pirate replies "arr! It's driving me nuts!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anasfg/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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A Frenchmen goes to a library for a book he wants about warfare.

He asks the librarian at the front desk for a book about warfare. The librarian simply responds, “You’ll just lose it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anaqvq/a_frenchmen_goes_to_a_library_for_a_book_he_wants/
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My neighbor came up to me and asked if I knew anything about her missing underwear.

I tell you I nearly shit her pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ananpz/my_neighbor_came_up_to_me_and_asked_if_i_knew/
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Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:
Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psychiatrist and tells him the issue.
The psychiatrist says “as you know, Christmas is coming up so what I want you to do is tuck little Johnny into bed on Christmas Eve and ask him what he wants for Christmas. Every time he swears, replace that gift with a pile of dog shit.
He dad replies “well that seems strange, but I’m out of options so I’ll give it a shot.”
So Christmas Eve creeps up and little Johnny’s dad is tucking him into bed. He asks little Johnny, “What do you want for Christmas this year?”
Little Johnny replies “ When I wake up Christmas morning I wanna see a god damn teddy bear laying right next fucking next to me on this pillow. When I go downstairs, I wanna see a fucking choo choo train wrapped around the god damn Christmas tree, and when I go outside I wanna see a big fucking red bike in my god damn garage.”
His dad says “Ok little Johnny. See you Christmas morning.”
Christmas morning comes and little Johnny wakes up and rolls over in bed. He sees a pile of dog shit. “What the fuck?” He goes down stairs and sees dog shit all over around the Christmas tree. He screams “What the fuck is this!?” He goes outside and sees a big pile of dog shit sitting in the garage.
He is sitting there cursing up a storm and his dad walks out as asks, “So little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas this year?”
Little Johnny says “I think I got a fucking puppy but I can’t find that son of a bitch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anagep/little_johnny_wont_quit_swearing_nsfw/
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If you slap Dwayne Johnsons ass

you’re hitting rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anafni/if_you_slap_dwayne_johnsons_ass/
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When does a joke become a Dad joke?

When the punch line becomes *apparent.*
My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anafhp/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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What do you get when u have unprotected phone sex

Hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/anadog/what_do_you_get_when_u_have_unprotected_phone_sex/
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Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes...

but they're a solid #2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ana8vv/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite_kind_of_jokes/
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Two professions that will always be around are lawyers and plumbers

cause they never run out of shit to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ana1ul/two_professions_that_will_always_be_around_are/
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A cement truck smashed into a prison van...

Police are telling people to be on the lookout for 8 hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an9wm4/a_cement_truck_smashed_into_a_prison_van/
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I wonder if flat earthers refer to people who think the world is round as...

'Circle Jerks.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an9v5a/i_wonder_if_flat_earthers_refer_to_people_who/
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What do you do if you're too stupid for the Army?

Join the special forces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an9s7t/what_do_you_do_if_youre_too_stupid_for_the_army/
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Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an9s7f/why_was_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
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What's a good book to read on a short trip?

*Italian Military Victories*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an9pqf/whats_a_good_book_to_read_on_a_short_trip/
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Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."
Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too  and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."
Sylvester says, "Let us hear it."
So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers."
That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an9iza/sylvester_stallone_chuck_norris_and_arnold/
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There are two types of people in r/jokes

Reposters and fucking liars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an9b33/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_rjokes/
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The cops in my town are looking for a racist attacker, so I called them up.

Apparently it wasn’t a job interview.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an9av8/the_cops_in_my_town_are_looking_for_a_racist/
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A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an98je/a_lumberjack_went_in_to_a_magic_forest_to_cut_a/
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Why did the chicken have sex with the egg?

To see who came first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an94ov/why_did_the_chicken_have_sex_with_the_egg/
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I used to be incredibly indecisive.

But now I'm not that sure...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an8t53/i_used_to_be_incredibly_indecisive/
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I'm 6'1"

That's two measurements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an8iqu/im_61/
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Trump is talking about shutting the government back down on the 15th

I am surprised he isn't doing it on the 14th, then he could fuck the whole US for Valentine's day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an8i02/trump_is_talking_about_shutting_the_government/
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My friend's mother just had quadruplets

I asked him "What did she name them?"
My friend told me "Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Fred"
I asked "Fred? What about Mo?"
My friend responded "She don't want no Mo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an8hvj/my_friends_mother_just_had_quadruplets/
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What do you call it when a white man on a dance floor has a seizure?

An improvement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an8hkt/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_white_man_on_a_dance/
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Pac man found out Mrs. Pac man was cheating on him.

He decided to ghost her in response.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an8h8z/pac_man_found_out_mrs_pac_man_was_cheating_on_him/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger's girlfriend broke up with him

in hopes that it would be enough to stop him from dressing up as classical composers for halloween.
But deep down, she still knew that he'd be bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an8dad/arnold_schwarzeneggers_girlfriend_broke_up_with/
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A boy is sitting in class learning about logarithms

The teacher asks the class, "how do we change bases?"
The boy excitedly raises his hand and says, "ask her nicely"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an8cx9/a_boy_is_sitting_in_class_learning_about/
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What’s the hardest thing about sky diving?

The ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an88ue/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_sky_diving/
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I'm learning how to make clown shoes...

It's no small feat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an876a/im_learning_how_to_make_clown_shoes/
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A blind man walks into a bar

into a chair, into a table, into a door...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an83yx/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Do you know what they call a bra in Germany?

Kepzemfromfloppin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an83b6/do_you_know_what_they_call_a_bra_in_germany/
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A 32-year old asked his dad “why are you always drinking?”

His dad said, “Well, I’ll tell you, it all started in the summer of ‘86”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an7znd/a_32year_old_asked_his_dad_why_are_you_always/
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Man walks into a bar

Says ouch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an7yww/man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My favorite joke.

When I die I want to die like my granddad just drift off to sleep and never wake up... Not yelling and screaming like the other people in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an7voc/my_favorite_joke/
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I confessed to my crush

The bitch ratted and now I'm facing 10 years in jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an7uyb/i_confessed_to_my_crush/
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How do you raise the chances of your joke's popularity?

You lie.
(My 5yo kid made this joke please be nice!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an7u8c/how_do_you_raise_the_chances_of_your_jokes/
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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate to sit at nearby tables so they could join in with boisterous and drunken revelry. The aviators would take it in turns to be first to chose the most beautiful maiden to seduce and tonight it was the turn of Marcel Bleu the famous French fighter ace.
At the stroke of midnight Marcel stands up, slowly looks around the ballroom, spies the most exquisite of ladies and says, "Tonight Cheri you are mine."
Amidst cheers and whistles Marcel escorts his prize up the stairs.
On entering his room Marcel walks to the cocktail cabinet, selects a bottle of Green Chartreuse soaks his finger with the sticky liqueur, wipes it on her lips and proceeds to lick it off. The young girl squeals in delight and says, "Oh Marcel I am in heaven".
To which Marcel replies, "When Marcel Bleu the famous French fighter ace kisses a woman she knows she 'as been kissed".
After several minutes of the most delicious and delicate foreplay Marcel arrives and a perfect areola surrounding an erect pink nipple. He walks to the cocktail cabinet and selecting a bottle of Chambord he drizzles it onto her nipple and proceeds to lick it off. "Oh Marcel", she says "I die in your arms tonight". To which Marcel retorts, "When Marcel Bleu the famous French fighter ace loves a woman, she knows that she 'as been loved".
Fifteen minutes later Marcel arrives at a perfect innie navel. He walks to the cocktail cabinet, selecting a bottle of Pastis he slowly fills her up and sucks it out. "Oh Marcel you are killing me" she murmurs, to which Marcel replies, "When Marcel Bleu the famous French fighter ace loves a woman no other man will do".
Some time later Marcel arrives and a moist, pink and gently throbbing vulva. He walks slowly to the  cocktail cabinet and selects a bottle of 1875 Remy Martin. He slowly pours it into her pubes, steps back and throws a lit match in.
As her box explodes with a mighty woompf she dashes to the bar and using the soda siphon she puts out the flames. Looking down at her steaming, smoking wreck of a crotch piece she screams, "You stupid French bastard what did you do that for?".
To which Marcel replies,
When Marcel Bleu the famous French fighter ace  goes down, 'e goes down in flames!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an7qfl/picture_the_scene_it_is_1915_and_the_great_war_is/
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A drunk is sitting with his pals and he pukes on his trouser leg. He tells his pals that his wife will lose her mind If he comes home like this and one of them says “put $20 in your top pocket and tell her a stranger puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

“Brilliant!” says the drunk, heading out. When he gets home, his wife says “Look at the state of you!” and he says, “Not to worry, a drunk puked on me and have me $20 for dry cleaning, it’s in my top pocket.”
She fishes out $40 and stares at him for a few and then says “there is $40 here...”
“Oh yeah,” says the drunk. “He took a shit in my pants, too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an7dgg/a_drunk_is_sitting_with_his_pals_and_he_pukes_on/
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I was set up on a blind date the other day by my friend, as I was getting ready he said "heads up, she's expecting a baby"

Now I feel pretty daft sitting in this restaurant wearing a diaper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an7c86/i_was_set_up_on_a_blind_date_the_other_day_by_my/
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I bumped into someone who hates me the other day and was going to give him a nasty look

But he already had one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an7ahi/i_bumped_into_someone_who_hates_me_the_other_day/
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I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an799x/i_was_digging_a_hole_in_my_backyard_when_i_found/
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I miss the old days

Before I could go into a store with 3 bucks and get 5 videogames, but now they have cameras all over the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an78lp/i_miss_the_old_days/
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A couple was about to have sex in the bedroom asked their son

"Johnny, go stand in the balcony and keep telling us what's going on outside"
Johnny goes to the balcony and starts narrating
"Billy is buying chocolates, tina is playing, Uncle Micheal is fucking his wife"
Dad: "What? Are they doing it openly?"
Johnny: "No, I haven't seen him but his son is also standing in the balcony"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an78a1/a_couple_was_about_to_have_sex_in_the_bedroom/
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I know this guy who constantly tells jokes about how often he craps his pants

Self-defecating humor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an77o9/i_know_this_guy_who_constantly_tells_jokes_about/
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I just saw someone stealing a garden gate!

I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an760k/i_just_saw_someone_stealing_a_garden_gate/
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If 4 out of 5 people suffer with depression in their lifetime

Does that mean one actually enjoys it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an700g/if_4_out_of_5_people_suffer_with_depression_in/
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What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?

One's weasily identifiable, the other one's stoatally different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an6um6/whats_the_difference_between_a_stoat_and_a_weasel/
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About a month before his death my uncle asked us to cover him in grease

He went downhill quite quickly after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an6u4l/about_a_month_before_his_death_my_uncle_asked_us/
%
I watched a documentary on how they used to build skyscrapers

It was riveting!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an6sex/i_watched_a_documentary_on_how_they_used_to_build/
%
For those without a date for Valentines Day...

I have one for you!
It’s February 14th.
You’re welcome! Enjoy it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an6qwa/for_those_without_a_date_for_valentines_day/
%
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.

How will I ever repay you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an6qcm/thank_you_student_loans_for_getting_me_through/
%
A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler

so I coughed directly in his mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an6h1q/a_friend_of_mine_asked_what_its_like_to_raise_a/
%
I took pictures of plants during a nature hike

When I went to get them developed, I thanked the clerk for his Photosynthesis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an6grv/i_took_pictures_of_plants_during_a_nature_hike/
%
Was nice to see the Rams and Patriots

make it to the Maroon 5 concert last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an6gao/was_nice_to_see_the_rams_and_patriots/
%
A joke my dad used to tell.

Little Johnny was in kindergarten when he suddenly felt the urge to pee. He raised his hand and said, “Teacher, I need to take a piss!”
The teacher said, “That is completely inappropriate! We don’t say that, we say ‘urinate’. If you ask again and use ‘urinate’ I’ll let you go.”
Little Johnny thought for a moment before saying, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an6e1v/a_joke_my_dad_used_to_tell/
%
White people don't just shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an6dc1/white_people_dont_just_shoot_each_other_in_the/
%
Post and repost were sitting on a log, and post fell off. Who was left?

Reddit front page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an6b2w/post_and_repost_were_sitting_on_a_log_and_post/
%
What type of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an6b17/what_type_of_exercise_do_lazy_people_do/
%
A joke my dad always tells.

Mary Jane burnt down the barn one day and her mother said “Mary Jane, you’re gonna get a real butt whoopin’ when your daddy gets home!”
But Mary Jane just laughed and laughed, because she knew her daddy was in the barn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an6a10/a_joke_my_dad_always_tells/
%
Have you ever been to a Native American orgy?

It's fucking intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an69g2/have_you_ever_been_to_a_native_american_orgy/
%
I recently bumped into the guy who sold me an antique globe.

It’s a small world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an67au/i_recently_bumped_into_the_guy_who_sold_me_an/
%
I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring.

No offense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an64nk/i_dont_mean_to_be_rude_but_the_superbowl_was/
%
What do you call a shadow government ran by furries?

The uwuminati

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an642d/what_do_you_call_a_shadow_government_ran_by/
%
How many synesthetes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an5xuz/how_many_synesthetes_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
The teacher asks the kids to name things ending in 'tor' that eat things

The first child says 'Alligator'
'Very good' says the teacher, 'that's a big word.'
The second child says 'Predator'
'Well done' says the teacher
Little Johnny says 'Vibrator, Miss'
After recovering from a fit of laughter the teacher responds, 'Very good that's a big word, but they don't eat anything.'
Little Johnny pipes up, 'But my sister has one Miss, and she says it eats batteries like there is no fucking tomorrow'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an5u1k/the_teacher_asks_the_kids_to_name_things_ending/
%
You are not a monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an5ste/you_are_not_a_monk/
%
What do you get when you cross The Atlantic with The Titanic?

Halfway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an5r9b/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
Sure was cold at the Super Bowl last night.

Thankfully there was no Brees though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an5psy/sure_was_cold_at_the_super_bowl_last_night/
%
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...

His name was Frank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an5pea/everyone_knows_albert_einstein_because_of_his/
%
I'm so mad! I found out my grandfather clock is full of bugs.

I guess it's like they say, time flies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an5juo/im_so_mad_i_found_out_my_grandfather_clock_is/
%
If you know anyone who wants to join the debate team

You should try to talk them out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an5hpf/if_you_know_anyone_who_wants_to_join_the_debate/
%
I went to a very emotional wedding last weekend.

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an5gdp/i_went_to_a_very_emotional_wedding_last_weekend/
%
Where do people settle food fights?

A food court
(Came up with this during lunch break)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an5g5j/where_do_people_settle_food_fights/
%
I put a weight on a dock,

Now that’s what I call pier pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an59o4/i_put_a_weight_on_a_dock/
%
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."

They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an57uu/antivaxx_parents_hate_it_when_you_call_their/
%
Did you know Mr. T's grandmother was a pirate?

Her name was Mae T.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an57pn/did_you_know_mr_ts_grandmother_was_a_pirate/
%
How do you tell who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

He can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an56vv/how_do_you_tell_who_is_the_most_popular_guy_at/
%
When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say

“I haven’t decided yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an54wx/when_youre_dressed_all_in_black_and_some_smart/
%
A blonde needed some money

A blonde was desperate for money. So she decided to go to the richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs.
At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. ‘Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?’
‘Sure,’ smiled the blonde, ‘I’ll do it for $100.’
‘Great,’ the man replied. ‘You’ll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.’
The man went back into the house to his wife, who’d been listening. ‘A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?’ asked the wife.
‘Well, she must. She was standing right on it!’ he said.
About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. ‘I’m all done,’ she reported.
The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?’
‘Yeah,’ the blonde said. ‘I even had some left, so I put on two coats!’
The man reached into his wallet to pay her.
‘And by the way,’ said the blonde, ‘that’s not a Porsche. It’s a Ferrari.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an54lt/a_blonde_needed_some_money/
%
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?

Because it helps fight free radicals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an54la/why_dont_anarchists_drink_green_tea/
%
A boy came home with a large trophy.

Dad: Son where did you get a trophy like that?
Son: I won the biggest dick competition at the fair.
Dad: You didn’t pull that big thing out in public did you?
Son: Just enough to win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an51rq/a_boy_came_home_with_a_large_trophy/
%
I just had sex with my wife and now I have STD's

Sexually Transmitted Descendants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an510p/i_just_had_sex_with_my_wife_and_now_i_have_stds/
%
"You don't look a day over fifty!" I told the mother-in-law on her birthday.

Slightly ruined her 38th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an4weo/you_dont_look_a_day_over_fifty_i_told_the/
%
Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an4w7b/why_do_anarchists_drink_herbal_tea/
%
A drunk guy walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an4w47/a_drunk_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why don’t blondes eat M&M’s?

They’re too hard to peel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an4rch/why_dont_blondes_eat_mms/
%
If any of you can teach me how to fix a broken hinge...

My door is always open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an4n5s/if_any_of_you_can_teach_me_how_to_fix_a_broken/
%
Glass: If someone breaks me, its one year of bad luck

Mirror: Thats nothing. If someone breaks me, its seven years of bad luck.
Condom: hahahaha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an4mza/glass_if_someone_breaks_me_its_one_year_of_bad/
%
Did you hear about Dracula’s castle?

They revamped it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an4jz4/did_you_hear_about_draculas_castle/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an4e6d/why_does_snoop_dogg_carry_an_umbrella/
%
Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.
Weeks later, Sandy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him.
"Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks.
"They will pay me the next day to fix it," Sandy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to £100 just for putting their fence back."
"But why do you need the money?"
Sandy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an4c4a/sandy_an_18_year_old_boy_desperately_wants_a_car/
%
What's the difference between the 2018 Fifa World Cup and 21 Savage?

Only one came home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an4910/whats_the_difference_between_the_2018_fifa_world/
%
I once held a door for a sperm whale. He said thank you.

I said, you're whale cum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an3xwb/i_once_held_a_door_for_a_sperm_whale_he_said/
%
Why did I change my last name?

SO my wife could have Ms. Carriage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an3xbi/why_did_i_change_my_last_name/
%
Why does Kidz Bop cover Drake songs?

Because Drake's girlfriends have to have a age appropriate way to listen to his songs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an3wgc/why_does_kidz_bop_cover_drake_songs/
%
My mother pushed me to become a chemist, she said i would be rich

now im full of calcium, sulphur and hydrogen, but got no money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an3qtr/my_mother_pushed_me_to_become_a_chemist_she_said/
%
My kink is to have sex under hypnosis.

I guess I'm trancesexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an3pk8/my_kink_is_to_have_sex_under_hypnosis/
%
Phoned up the office and told them I was sick. They asked what was wrong with me and I said...

... I'm sleeping with my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an3gc3/phoned_up_the_office_and_told_them_i_was_sick/
%
A good approach in asking for a raise . . .

A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?”
Maria: “Your husband said so.”
Wife: “Oh.”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”
Maria: “Your husband did.”
Wife: “Oh.”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Wife (really furious now): “Did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an3d2c/a_good_approach_in_asking_for_a_raise/
%
Reddit rename suggestions

Rename share to spreddit, delete to shreddit, karma to creddit. The fact the they haven’t done this, I just don’t Greddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an3agy/reddit_rename_suggestions/
%
Porn for teens

Porn gives teens a bad picture of how fast a plumber comes. (double pun) ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an38i2/porn_for_teens/
%
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Does it work if the whole joke is in the title?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an385n/dna_editing_was_invented_by_gene_hackman/
%
My financial adviser asked me what I bring home at the end of every month.

"Crippling depression," I told him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an37km/my_financial_adviser_asked_me_what_i_bring_home/
%
Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who was stranded in Africa

\[A more politically correct re-write of an earlier joke this week\]
Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who went all over the world on his caravan selling his wares. One year as he was traveling through Africa, he was betrayed by his caravan and left for dead. Thankfully, was found by a remote tribe who took care of him until he returned to full health. The man was so impressed with their hospitality that he decided to stay and join the tribe. Many months later, the chief's daughter became pregnant and gave birth to a white baby. The chief saw this and immediately confronted the trader. He told him - we take you in and this is how you repay us? You get my daughter pregnant? I should have you killed!
The man fervently denied it, but the chief was not having any of it. He demanded - "well, how do you explain it then?"
The man looked out towards the nearby grassland and said "my Chief, in nature many unusual things happen. Why look, there is a flock of sheep out there. You can see that while most of them are white, a few are black, and we don't question it."
The chief looked back at the man and said "Okay okay, I'll make you a deal. I won't tell anyone about you and my daughter, but you can't tell anyone about the sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an30dd/hundreds_of_years_ago_there_was_a_european_salt/
%
I took a girl on a date into a freezer and prodded her with a mesh of wire...

She screamed, "What the hell is this?"
I replied "Net flicks and chill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an2wip/i_took_a_girl_on_a_date_into_a_freezer_and/
%
Father: “Son, you were adopted”

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
SON : “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an2uvj/father_son_you_were_adopted/
%
Trying to make up for bad behavior, I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” I say eyeing the attractive sales girl, “but I don’t know her size.”
“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hands in the gloves.
“Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”
“Will there be anything else?” the sales girl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves. “Now that you mention it,” I replied, “she also needs a bra and panties.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an2uh7/trying_to_make_up_for_bad_behavior_i_went_to_the/
%
Leather armor is the best for sneaking

It's literally made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an2u08/leather_armor_is_the_best_for_sneaking/
%
What does patriots stand for

Pay
All
The
Refs
In
Order
To
Succeed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an2sl4/what_does_patriots_stand_for/
%
I convinced my son if he didn't try to keep me cool during Summer he wouldn't be written into my will...

Apparently I'm now a bad father simply for wanting some heir conditioning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an2pnp/i_convinced_my_son_if_he_didnt_try_to_keep_me/
%
Give a Nigerian a Fish and he'll get a free meal for the day.

But if you teach a Nigerian to Phish he'll become a billionaire prince that wants to make you rich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an2n5h/give_a_nigerian_a_fish_and_hell_get_a_free_meal/
%
A burglar breaks into a house.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.
"Jesus is watching you."
Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tall dark shadow near the desk.
"Jesus is watching you."
The voice comes from the shadow. The burglar slides quickly towards the voice. The tall shadow turns out to be a cage covered in heavy brocade cloth. The burglar lifts the cloth and comes face to face with an elegant maccaw.
"Jesus is watching you" it cries.
"Ha ha, you're just a parrot!" the burglar laughs. "Yes!" squawks the parrot "but Jesus is a rottweiler."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an2l5e/a_burglar_breaks_into_a_house/
%
My friend advised me to date a cat owner..

..because they can love someone who doesn't even like them back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an2ftu/my_friend_advised_me_to_date_a_cat_owner/
%
Two neighbors stand before a judge, one suing the other.

The judge asks "For what reason are you suing your neighbor here?"
The man replies "Because this man ripped off one of my testicles!"
The judge, confused, asks "Why would anyone do such a thing?"
The man shrugs and states "I don't know, but I found it and put it in this plastic baggie." As the man says this, he pulls out said baggie with his severed testicle still inside and hands it to the bailiff.
The judge seems disgusted and asks "What am I supposed to do with this?"
The man once again shrugs and says "I don't know, the ball's in your court now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an2feh/two_neighbors_stand_before_a_judge_one_suing_the/
%
What DiD the butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

together we can stop this shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an2e60/what_did_the_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other_butt/
%
After Peter Jackson’s successful launch of World War 1 documentary They Will Not Grow, George Lucas has announced he is making a documentary of World War 2 with remastered footage.

Spoiler: France invades first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an2aol/after_peter_jacksons_successful_launch_of_world/
%
What do you call a Japanese crime scene?

An assasinasian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1ys5/what_do_you_call_a_japanese_crime_scene/
%
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice...

Except Chris Brown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1shn/nothing_beats_a_beautiful_girl_with_an_amazing/
%
There is only one thing more annoying than the 877-kars-4-kids commercials....

Any Patriots fan this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1pr7/there_is_only_one_thing_more_annoying_than_the/
%
My brother didnt like the school shooting jokes I was making

I think I should aim for a younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1nu7/my_brother_didnt_like_the_school_shooting_jokes_i/
%
How to get new business

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1nqq/how_to_get_new_business/
%
A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were drinking at a bar

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The
landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite
pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had
enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid,
all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The
Irishman swore every word was true.  "Did this actually happen to
you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did
happen to me sister quite a few times ... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1n45/a_scotsman_englishman_and_an_irishman_were/
%
It's Judgment Day and three married men are sent to heaven

Three friends are standing in line waiting to be judged: Jim, Billy and Kevin.
Forward comes Jim and God tells him: "Jim, you've been loyal to your wife and never cheated". God gives Jim a brand new sports car and tells him to drive to heaven and off goes Jim.
Next comes Billy and God tells him: "Billy, you've cheated on your wife only once but you've done good deeds". God gives Billy a new car and tells him to drive to heaven and off goes Billy.
Next comes Kevin and God tells him: "Kevin, you've cheated on your wife many times but you've done good deeds". God gives Kevin an old used car and tells him to drive to heaven and off goes Kevin.
Billy and Kevin are driving on the highway as they suddenly see Jim pulled over on the side of the road, as they approach they see Jim crying miserably. Both Billy and Kevin can't fathom, they ask Jim: "Jim you have a new sports car and you're driving to heaven, why are you crying?".
Jim looks up to them and says: "As I was driving, I looked over and saw my wife riding a bycicle to hell".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1mmv/its_judgment_day_and_three_married_men_are_sent/
%
What is it called when you murder a friend?

Homiecide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1iv6/what_is_it_called_when_you_murder_a_friend/
%
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”
“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1ibo/i_cant_believe_that_youve_been_visiting/
%
What's the point of eating food?

It all goes to shit anyways...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1i17/whats_the_point_of_eating_food/
%
I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy

Too bad I'm not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1f6g/i_have_heard_that_self_deprecation_is_the_highest/
%
A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper, surprised and pleased, says, "Oh, really? Tom Collins?"
This is my favorite joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1e51/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a group of angry white guys?

Saltine Crackers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1dke/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_angry_white_guys/
%
How could Donald Trump ever get elected in this great nation?

...said the country pissed off that the super bowl didn’t play music from spongebob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1bcj/how_could_donald_trump_ever_get_elected_in_this/
%
Guy finds a magic lamp

He rubs it and out comes a genie granting him 3 wishes!
1st wish: I want a stable job
2nd wish: I want to be driving a costly vehicle
3rd wish: I want to be surrounded by ladies
Genie makes him a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1b27/guy_finds_a_magic_lamp/
%
I sat my son down and said, “Look son, in life if you act like a pussy then you’ll never get any pussy”

My wife said, “Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him?”
I said, “Sorry dear, it won’t happen again”
My son said, “I see what you mean Dad.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an1884/i_sat_my_son_down_and_said_look_son_in_life_if/
%
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an15po/the_son_of_a_rich_saudi_sheikh_arrives_in_germany/
%
I had a threesome some days ago...

Two people didn't show up tho, so I had to take matters into my own hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an0sck/i_had_a_threesome_some_days_ago/
%
What's the difference between a pizza and a hippie chick?

You don't peel the crust off the pizza before you eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an0ot4/whats_the_difference_between_a_pizza_and_a_hippie/
%
What colour did Matthew McConaughey paint his house?

All white, all white, all white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an0ogk/what_colour_did_matthew_mcconaughey_paint_his/
%
Maroon 5

At the Super Bowl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an0mxd/maroon_5/
%
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today

I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an0m4e/siri_kept_on_calling_me_shirley_today/
%
I tried telling a joke in zero gravity.

It didn't go down well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an0k9n/i_tried_telling_a_joke_in_zero_gravity/
%
Pulled a gyspy girl last night, she asked if i wanted to go back to hers for a good time

She wasn't kidding,  I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train and came home with a goldfish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an0hx9/pulled_a_gyspy_girl_last_night_she_asked_if_i/
%
An Elephant And a Camel Meet in the Desert.

The Elephant asks: "Lol what are those boobs for on your back?"
The Camel responds: "Keep talking with that dick in your face"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an0fly/an_elephant_and_a_camel_meet_in_the_desert/
%
A war horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says "why the long film?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an0e1e/a_war_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why does Donald Trump take xanax?

For hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an0bce/why_does_donald_trump_take_xanax/
%
My friend just became vegan

Its like i've never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an07pi/my_friend_just_became_vegan/
%
Nettflix is making a documentary

Netflix is apparently making a documentary about a country where it's illegal to have sex
They're calling it ban-the-snatch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an05ef/nettflix_is_making_a_documentary/
%
I don't understand my wife. She seemed enthusiastic when I suggested we make some homemade porn, then she throws a fuckin' fit…

…when I start auditioning women for her part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/an02cd/i_dont_understand_my_wife_she_seemed_enthusiastic/
%
Where do conspiracy theorists hate to sleep?

Debunk beds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amzzaf/where_do_conspiracy_theorists_hate_to_sleep/
%
My brother keeps drowning despite my numerous attempts to teach him to stay afloat.

What a dense child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amzr51/my_brother_keeps_drowning_despite_my_numerous/
%
What is the difference between a BDSM relationship and a regular one?

In the BDSM relationship there is a safe word that can immediately stop the  torture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amzjb4/what_is_the_difference_between_a_bdsm/
%
911, what is your emergency?

Help, two girls are fighting over me.
Operator: Sir, why is that a problem!
The ugly one is winning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amzhs7/911_what_is_your_emergency/
%
That's how mafia works

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amz7wb/thats_how_mafia_works/
%
My girlfriend said she needed time and distance

I said: "Why do we have to involve velocity with this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amz75g/my_girlfriend_said_she_needed_time_and_distance/
%
A lot of people say I can't draw because I'm blind...

I think they're right, I see no progress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amz4f2/a_lot_of_people_say_i_cant_draw_because_im_blind/
%
What’s the difference between a baseball player and an orphan?

An orphan doesn’t have a home to run to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amyww1/whats_the_difference_between_a_baseball_player/
%
So, Steve Irwin ........

walks into an outback pub with a 15 ft crocodile on a leash, sidles up to the bar and, with everyone watching, pulls out a screwdriver and whacks the crocodile on the head twice.
The crocodile slowly opens its jaws and lays there... Steve unzips and lays his dick in the crocs mouth, and whacks the crocodile on the head once.
the crocodile slowly closes its jaws, but just before it gets to his dick.... he whacks it twice on the head again, and it slowly opens its jaws.
Steve calls out to the bar  i'll give a 100 dollars for anyone that will do this!
The old barmaid behind the bar calls back ......I'll do it, just dont hit me so hard with the screwdriver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amyt6g/so_steve_irwin/
%
I went to Walmart today..

I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amyh3e/i_went_to_walmart_today/
%
Want to hear a joke about construction?

Wait… I'm still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amyh32/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_construction/
%
I was in the attic yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine.

It's a family hair loom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amyh1g/i_was_in_the_attic_yesterday_when_i_found_my/
%
Thank God I don’t have to hunt for food...

I don’t even know where tacos live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amy3zp/thank_god_i_dont_have_to_hunt_for_food/
%
What do you call a pirate that pees on someone?

Arrrrrrrghhh Kelly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amy2lk/what_do_you_call_a_pirate_that_pees_on_someone/
%
What do Patriots fans and horse flies have in common?

They’re both annoying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amy1ro/what_do_patriots_fans_and_horse_flies_have_in/
%
Don't want your child but to late for an abortion?

Don't vaccinate them and wait 3-10 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxz1v/dont_want_your_child_but_to_late_for_an_abortion/
%
Why can’t Jared Goff use the phone anymore?

Because he can’t find the receiver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxqvr/why_cant_jared_goff_use_the_phone_anymore/
%
What's the difference between a dollar and the Los Angeles Rams?

A dollar is good for 4 quarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxpip/whats_the_difference_between_a_dollar_and_the_los/
%
Anti-vaxxers remind me of the show GLEE

Both haven't aged well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxou9/antivaxxers_remind_me_of_the_show_glee/
%
What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A Megasoreass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxmti/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.
The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxm3i/there_was_a_boy_playing_in_the_farm_field_when/
%
Why couldn’t Steve Jobs see outside his office?

Because he didn’t use Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxjw8/why_couldnt_steve_jobs_see_outside_his_office/
%
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.

It was such a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxja0/yesterday_a_clown_held_a_door_open_for_me/
%
Olive Oils

Olive Oil 1: I fk all the time
God: okay, you'll be regular olive oil
Olive Oil 2: I've never had sex
God: you'll be virgin olive oil
Olive Oil 3: I've only tried anal
God: \[turns back to Olive Oil 2\] okay your actually gonna be extra virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxhj8/olive_oils/
%
They said that the Super Bowl was going to be exciting.

But that was a LIII.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxf5n/they_said_that_the_super_bowl_was_going_to_be/
%
Superbowl LIII is the only superbowl I've seen where fans of both teams got along and agreed

That it was the worst superbowl ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxeul/superbowl_liii_is_the_only_superbowl_ive_seen/
%
Did you know that the Super Bowl was just on??

Apparently, neither did the
Los Angeles Rams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxe24/did_you_know_that_the_super_bowl_was_just_on/
%
Whats the difference between a BMW and a hedgehog?

The hedgehog's prick is on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxdhg/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_hedgehog/
%
I guess the Rams ended the Super Bowl the way they ended the season.

13-3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxb22/i_guess_the_rams_ended_the_super_bowl_the_way/
%
It’s a great time to date a Rams fan..

They are used to disappointment and aren’t expecting a ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amxakz/its_a_great_time_to_date_a_rams_fan/
%
My wife shouted, "Where the fuck have you been!? It's been three days!" I replied, "It's your fault!"

"When I went out, you told me not to come home drunk again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amx90o/my_wife_shouted_where_the_fuck_have_you_been_its/
%
How do you get a Rams fan to stop beating his wife?

Put her in a Patriots jersey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amx8v2/how_do_you_get_a_rams_fan_to_stop_beating_his_wife/
%
What's the sexual orientation of people who can no longer perform sexually?

Bye-sexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amx7us/whats_the_sexual_orientation_of_people_who_can_no/
%
I saw my dentist in a porno once.

Now I get nervous evertime he says, "open wide".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amx7sk/i_saw_my_dentist_in_a_porno_once/
%
I feel bad for saying 21 Savage’s music was trash

I should’ve called it rubbish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amx4qf/i_feel_bad_for_saying_21_savages_music_was_trash/
%
Verizon claims they wants to make sure first responders can get the call to help people.

That is, if they  pay enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amx4d3/verizon_claims_they_wants_to_make_sure_first/
%
Pedro worked in a fine pickle factory in Mexico City

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the cucumber slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Pedro to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Maria, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Pedro tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the cucumber slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Maria gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the cucumber slicer?" Pedro replied, "She got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amx2h3/pedro_worked_in_a_fine_pickle_factory_in_mexico/
%
What did the girl say to the game developer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amwvy8/what_did_the_girl_say_to_the_game_developer_with/
%
Why are measles and my ex the same?

they both took the kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amwuey/why_are_measles_and_my_ex_the_same/
%
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday.

Don’t worry, though—he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amwmvg/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_school_yesterday/
%
Super Bowl Halftime

At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amwayp/super_bowl_halftime/
%
A new yorker, a british person, and a french person are on a safari...

when they are ambushed by a tribe in the area.
A tribeman says: "You have trespassed our sacred land and you must be killed. We will skin you and make a canoe when you choose how you want to die."
The French person asks for a bottle of poison.
The British person asks for a gun.
The new yorker asks for a fork.
The tribeman provides them all with what they asked.
The French person says "Glory to France!" And drinks the poison.
The British person says "God save the queen!" And shoots himself.
The New Yorker takes the fork and stabs himself throughly, yelling "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amw9no/a_new_yorker_a_british_person_and_a_french_person/
%
My paraplegic girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheel chair...

Next thing I knew, she came crawling back to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amw34r/my_paraplegic_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i/
%
How many incels does it take to screw a lightbulb?

It doesnt matter how many try, they cant screw anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amvylg/how_many_incels_does_it_take_to_screw_a_lightbulb/
%
There’s always one

I was at the bar last night when the waitress yelled out, “does anyone know CPR?”
I yelled out, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet!”
Everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amvwip/theres_always_one/
%
Don't worry about straying from your diet today.

It's Tom Brady's cheat day, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amvu1l/dont_worry_about_straying_from_your_diet_today/
%
I once saw a chinese girl, and asked her number.

She replied, Sex Sex Sex,Free Sex tonight.
I said, Wow!
My friend told me to not get my expectations to high because she meant 6663629.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amvtzb/i_once_saw_a_chinese_girl_and_asked_her_number/
%
My girlfriend left me because I'm so insecure.

Oh, nevermind, she was walking the dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amvsr7/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_im_so_insecure/
%
Did you hear the one about the alcoholic unicyclist?

He couldn’t handle bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amvrpt/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_alcoholic/
%
So this guy goes to a doctor.

"Doc, I wish I had a bigger penis. Is there anything medical science can do?"
"Not really outside of radical surgery. But there is an old trick that's been handed down for generations. Every day smear butter on your penis."
(A month later he's back at the doctor)
"Hmmm, it's not bigger. Did you follow my instructions exactly? Smear butter on your penis every day?"
"Well, Doc, I did at first, but butter is really expensive. I switched to smearing Crisco on it instead. It's a lot cheaper."
"Well, that's your problem right there. Crisco is shortening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amvpln/so_this_guy_goes_to_a_doctor/
%
There are no ancestors in Alabama

Only insestors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amvmsh/there_are_no_ancestors_in_alabama/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amvkx7/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_went_on_a_camping/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks..

Then I could also pay off my college tuition without even having a summer job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amvkue/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
%
Why was the blacksmiths son sent to detention?

He was caught forging signatures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amvdxn/why_was_the_blacksmiths_son_sent_to_detention/
%
We should not in any way, shape, or form make fun of female's time of the month

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amvdnh/we_should_not_in_any_way_shape_or_form_make_fun/
%
Yo mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl.

The fat one brought cereal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amvda5/yo_mama_so_stupid_she_brought_a_spoon_to_the/
%
Why can’t the Patriots football team members have children?

Because their balls are deflated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amv3d3/why_cant_the_patriots_football_team_members_have/
%
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in an oven and bake it until its bill withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amv1ki/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
%
I was going to tell a football joke

but it had an offensive line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amv05t/i_was_going_to_tell_a_football_joke/
%
What do you call Optimus Prime’s half erection?

A semi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amuzj7/what_do_you_call_optimus_primes_half_erection/
%
A man dies and goes to heaven

He sees Saint Peter, and starts to tell him a joke
"Masterchief and Cortana walk into a bar.."
Saint Peter cuts him off
"Is this about Halo?"
"Yeah"
"Don't bother, its just going to go over my head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amuzh3/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
Have you ever smelled mothballs before?

Yeah?  How did you get those tiny legs apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amuyus/have_you_ever_smelled_mothballs_before/
%
One advantage to buying porn on DVD...

The gag reel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amuwlp/one_advantage_to_buying_porn_on_dvd/
%
A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US....

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amusyp/a_mormon_is_seated_next_to_an_irishman_on_a/
%
Atheism,

It’s a non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amusr3/atheism/
%
Mississippi gave Missouri a New Jersey, so what did Delaware?

I don't know, Alaska.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amug6b/mississippi_gave_missouri_a_new_jersey_so_what/
%
So my dad always abused me as a kid...

..but I knew it wasnt his fault. I wasnt gonna abuse him back, I was gonna abuse what made him do that to me.
So thats how I became a raging alcoholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amueqo/so_my_dad_always_abused_me_as_a_kid/
%
What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amudrt/what_do_you_call_children_born_in_whorehouses/
%
Mom: "what is the oldest thing that you have and still use?"

Dad: "you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amubxh/mom_what_is_the_oldest_thing_that_you_have_and/
%
What do you call a drive-by done by a group of homosexuals?

A fruit roll up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amualw/what_do_you_call_a_driveby_done_by_a_group_of/
%
A Missionary in South America

teaches native indigenous tribesman to English language. They paddling on a boat on the Amazon River and the Missionary teaches him: "This is a river. This is a forest. These are the trees. There are leaves on them. "
Down by the river they saw a couple  making love. Missionary blushes and tells to a guy in the boat: ”They are riding a bicycle.”
Native takes bow and an arrow from boat and takes a shoot at guy who makes love to an woman.
Missionary is horrified: “ What are you doing?!?”
Native responds: “He rides my bicycle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amua1t/a_missionary_in_south_america/
%
How did the doctor vaccinate the Muslim girl?

Hijabbed her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amu9z6/how_did_the_doctor_vaccinate_the_muslim_girl/
%
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. ..

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Give a man a fish laced with potassium cyanide, and you feed him for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amu90k/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
The Japanese flag is a pie chart...

...showing how many of them are afraid of Godzilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amu8ur/the_japanese_flag_is_a_pie_chart/
%
I’ve got a friend from Prague who is really good at chess

He’s my Czech mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amu7mv/ive_got_a_friend_from_prague_who_is_really_good/
%
Happy to announce that I’m no longer broke!

I’m beyond that point and am now drowning in debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amu6v0/happy_to_announce_that_im_no_longer_broke/
%
My girlfriend has the weirdest way to start a conversation with me..

„Were you even listening to me?!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amu5vz/my_girlfriend_has_the_weirdest_way_to_start_a/
%
You don't have to vaccinate all your kids...

only the ones you want to keep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amu5qc/you_dont_have_to_vaccinate_all_your_kids/
%
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amu5hw/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
It's sad to see so many pictures end up in jail.

Most have been framed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amu3i6/its_sad_to_see_so_many_pictures_end_up_in_jail/
%
Here's a little joke!

^(joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amu0if/heres_a_little_joke/
%
I was in an 80's band called, The Prevention

We were better than The Cure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amtxyy/i_was_in_an_80s_band_called_the_prevention/
%
I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.

Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amtvbr/i_just_heard_that_budweiser_is_suing_stella/
%
A cop pulls over a woman...

...who is wearing very slutty attire.
Cop: You were speeding in a school zone. I’ll have to give you a ticket.
Woman: Oh officer, surely there’s something I can do to help you. *pulls out breasts*
Cop: For you information, ma’am, I am homosexual, and regardless of my sexual orientation, I am extremely offended at your crude, sleazy attempt to avoid the law.
The woman’s eyes widen, but then she smirks.
Woman: Oh officer, surely there’s something I can do to help you. *pulls out massive cock*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amtsyd/a_cop_pulls_over_a_woman/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amtsfi/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
My son asked me why I only let him play Sim creation screen of the Sims but not the rest

I told him, 'It's character building.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amts88/my_son_asked_me_why_i_only_let_him_play_sim/
%
I wish to go back to the time I had sex with a Rectangle...

...it was the best shape I'd ever been in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amtotm/i_wish_to_go_back_to_the_time_i_had_sex_with_a/
%
If we’re not supposed to eat animals

Then why are they made of food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amto1o/if_were_not_supposed_to_eat_animals/
%
I remember the last words my Grandpa said before he kicked the bucket...

He said, “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amtm72/i_remember_the_last_words_my_grandpa_said_before/
%
"Hey buddy! Don't quit your day job!"

-Me, to someone who's doing real great at their day job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amtjrs/hey_buddy_dont_quit_your_day_job/
%
You do not need a parashoot to go skydiving.

You need a parashoot to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amtj5i/you_do_not_need_a_parashoot_to_go_skydiving/
%
My ex-girlfriend said she liked Formula 1 but not NASCAR

I just can’t be in a relationship with someone who’s raceist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amtiwm/my_exgirlfriend_said_she_liked_formula_1_but_not/
%
I'm pretty sure I've figured out my neighbour's 3 favourite films

* 10,000,000 Explosions
* Army Guys Yelling at Each Other
* Subwoofer: The Movie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amtgja/im_pretty_sure_ive_figured_out_my_neighbours_3/
%
My Grandfather started walking 5 Miles a Day when he was 60.

He's 95 now and we have no idea where he is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amtcls/my_grandfather_started_walking_5_miles_a_day_when/
%
A man enters in a bar and the bartender asks him:<<Good Morn.. morn.. morning... What would.. you.. you.. like.. to.. to.. drink..?

And the man:<<Yeah... I would li.. li.. like a co.. co.. coffee, please.>>
After a while, another man comes in and recognize the first man and starts talking to him:<<Yo, dude how's going? What are you doing here?>> And the first man:<<Nothing important. Just chilling drinking coffee.>>.<<Oh sure, I know. So, have a nice day buddy.>>
The bartender is pretty astonished: he thought that the first man had stutter like him so reaches him again and asks him:<<Excuse.. excuse me.. are you.. making.. making fun of me..?>>. And the man:<<Nope. I was.. was.. making fun.. fun.. of him!>>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amt6ss/a_man_enters_in_a_bar_and_the_bartender_asks/
%
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amt6iu/construction_worker_on_the_5th_floor_of_a/
%
A Newfie was going to Toronto on the Airplane and started talking to an Ontarian.

Newfie: Lord Tundrin' Geeses Bye, What do you do for a livin'?
Ontarian: Well, I'm a Psychoanalyst.
Newfie: Psychoanalyst, What the Heck is that?
Ontarian: It's hard to explain so I'll give you an example.
Ontarian: Do you own a Fishtank?
Newfie: Yes, I got a tank.
Ontarian: Well, I bet you like fish then.
Newfie: Yeah, I like fish.
Ontarian: Well, if you like fish then you probably like the water.
Newfie: Yeah, I love the water.
Ontarian: Well, if you like the water, then you probably like to go to the beach.
Newfie: I love to go the beach.
Ontarian: I bet you like to look at girls in bikinis while your at the beach.
Newfie: You betcha.
Ontarian: And as your lookin' at girls on the beach I bet you think about taking them home and havin your way with them.
Newfie: Gosh, How did you know that?
Ontarian: Well , thats what a Psychoanalyst is.
Newfie: Oh.
The Newfie was goin back to St.Johns and started to talk to another Ontarian on the Plane.
Newfie: Hi, How ya doin.
Ontarian: Oh, fine I guess.
Newfie: I'm a Psychoanalyst.
Ontarian: You're a Psychoanalyst?
Newfie: Yeah, let me explain it to ya.
Newfie: Do you own a fishtank.
Ontarian: No.
Newfie: What are ya!? Some kind of Faggot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amsvzv/a_newfie_was_going_to_toronto_on_the_airplane_and/
%
If you accidentally knock up an anti-vaxxer, fear not!

You'll probably only have to pay a few years of child support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amstoi/if_you_accidentally_knock_up_an_antivaxxer_fear/
%
3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line.

The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”
The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”
The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amsrwb/3_moles_are_digging_underground_in_a_singlefile/
%
An OB/GYN student is late for his final exam.

He races out of bed, gets dressed, and is out the door in 5 minutes. He quickly gets to the lecture hall, and sits down just in time to receive a test.
Unbeknownst to him however, he had run to the wrong room: the Law lecture hall. The student reads over the first question, assured in his ability, but is shocked when he doesn’t understand the first question:
“Advice offered to the court by a third party.”
_Why is this on my medical test?_ He thinks. The man glances over to his right in askance, but sees the other students diligently writing. Determined to not make a fool of himself, he writes “prescription”.
He reads the next question:
“An admission of guilt on the principle of not contesting the charges.”
He glances around again, confused, and ends up writing “c-section”.
He reaches the third question, and is well and truly lost.
”The principle that recognizes legal practices, regardless of whether they are codified.”
He writes down “delivery”, but then leans over to ask another student for help. The other student glances at his paper, and says:
“It’s not delivery! It’s de jure, no?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amsrur/an_obgyn_student_is_late_for_his_final_exam/
%
I'm sick of my wife treating me like a piece of meat

She's a vegetarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amspiu/im_sick_of_my_wife_treating_me_like_a_piece_of/
%
I mixed up the words "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza"

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amsmxd/i_mixed_up_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza/
%
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amslud/a_man_goes_to_the_super_bowl_but_his_tickets_are/
%
My girlfriend was on her period when she picked a fight with me.

She was Ovaryacting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amsl8j/my_girlfriend_was_on_her_period_when_she_picked_a/
%
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amsl7b/a_male_patient_is_lying_in_bed_in_the_hospital/
%
A Valentine’s Day joke...

Suzie is complaining to her friend Jennifer how much she hates Valentine’s Day:
My husband stops by a convienence store, picks up a cheap box of chocolates and a dozen roses on his way home from work, and then I gotta lay on the bed with my feet up in the air like a fucking whore!
Jennifer responds, “well, have you thought about getting a vase?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amsj0s/a_valentines_day_joke/
%
What do you call a fight between an immigrant and a sex offender?

Alien vs predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amsgvx/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_an_immigrant_and/
%
A bunch of books fell on my head last night

I was pretty mad but I guess I've only got my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amsaq8/a_bunch_of_books_fell_on_my_head_last_night/
%
What do you say to someone with a degree in art?

Hamburger and fries, please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ams8h3/what_do_you_say_to_someone_with_a_degree_in_art/
%
Why was the scarecrow nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize?

Because he was out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amrwun/why_was_the_scarecrow_nominated_for_a_nobel_peace/
%
I've come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems...

... if I could just get the right people to try it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amrwc7/ive_come_to_the_realization_that_suicide_would/
%
I caught the flu in Madrid.

While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amrtyg/i_caught_the_flu_in_madrid/
%
Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on their ships?

So that when they return, they can
Scandinavian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amrm1x/why_does_the_norwegian_navy_have_barcodes_on/
%
You should never buy anything with Velcro

It’s a total ripoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amri6t/you_should_never_buy_anything_with_velcro/
%
dad's are like boomerangs....

i hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amrg88/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
French fries aren’t made in France..

They’re made in grease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amre3y/french_fries_arent_made_in_france/
%
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...

Not screaming like the 22 passengers on the bus he was driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amrd82/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_peacefully_in_my_sleep/
%
When I grow up I want to be a veterinarian then go into the army, and become a veteran so I can become...

A Vet Vet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amr85f/when_i_grow_up_i_want_to_be_a_veterinarian_then/
%
Purchased Vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.
"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."
"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves! that I was HOMEMADE."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amr4vg/purchased_vs_homemade/
%
Why couldn't the computer take its hat off?

It had CAPS lock on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amr1pd/why_couldnt_the_computer_take_its_hat_off/
%
Sex in a car in public is like eating from a noisy bag of chips in Church...

Everyone will look at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amr0ki/sex_in_a_car_in_public_is_like_eating_from_a/
%
Today I gave up my seat to an old blind lady

And suddenly I’m fired from my job as a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amqzu8/today_i_gave_up_my_seat_to_an_old_blind_lady/
%
I said to my gym instructor, "Can you teach me how to do the splits?"

He said: "Well how flexible are you?"
I said: "I can’t make Tuesdays"
(by Tim Vine)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amqywr/i_said_to_my_gym_instructor_can_you_teach_me_how/
%
Why don't witches wear underwear?

To get a better grip of the broom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amqyo2/why_dont_witches_wear_underwear/
%
2 cows were talking and one says, "Hey, have you heard about this mad cow disease?"

And the other one says, "Why are you asking me? I'm a helicopter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amqvgj/2_cows_were_talking_and_one_says_hey_have_you/
%
Imagine having sex with your boss's daughter.

And remembering that you are self employed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amqs61/imagine_having_sex_with_your_bosss_daughter/
%
This snow is really bad here, it has been snowing since Friday, all my wife has done is stare through the kitchen window.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amqq7w/this_snow_is_really_bad_here_it_has_been_snowing/
%
What's the difference between Trump and a single cell organism? l.

Single cell organisms have a wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amqphp/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_a_single/
%
My dad died last year. among the things he left us in his Legacy :

were some jump leads,
a tartan blanket
and the original Subaru owners manual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amqo8z/my_dad_died_last_year_among_the_things_he_left_us/
%
DO NOT VACCINATE YOUR KIDS!

Let the doctors do it ;They're the professionals 😃.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amqlje/do_not_vaccinate_your_kids/
%
A man with a horrible stutter goes to the Dr. to see if there's a way to fix it...

Because of his stutter, Mr. Smith was painfully shy, and only communicated using gestures and notes.  After reading his note explaining his problem, the doctor gave him a thorough examination, and returned to discuss his diagnosis with him.
"Well, Mr. Smith, the problem seems to be that you have an extremely large penis, and it's been effecting the ability of your voice box to make words.  I would suggest that we remove 6 inches to see if that will fix things.  I know this is a big decision, so think about it and come back tomorrow."
So the man went home, and talked about it, as best as he could, with his wife, had dinner and they made love.  In the morning he had made up his mind that a normal voice and ability to actually talk to his wife was more important that having a 12 inch penis.
That day, he had his penis reduced to 6 inches, and the Dr. asked him to say something.
"Hello there."  Amazed, Smith broke out into a huge smile, hearing himself say words without a stutter for the first time in his memory.
So with that he went home to his wife, and they talked and talked for the first time ever.  After some time, he had the bandages off his penis, and with the Dr's permission, he went to have sex with his wife, and she was very disappointed, since he had a lot less to work with.
Soon, his wife grew tired of his constant yammering (because he couldn't help but talk about everything and anything he could) and the lack-luster sex life, walks out on him, leaving him devastated.
Desperate, he decides to get things back to where they were just a couple of months before, so he returned to the Dr's office, to inquire about having his penis re-attached.
"N-n-n-n-o-t p-p-p-p-p-p-ossssss-i-ble!" The Dr. replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amqlfg/a_man_with_a_horrible_stutter_goes_to_the_dr_to/
%
Why does the keyboard work 24 hrs a day?

Because it has 2 shifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amqjw9/why_does_the_keyboard_work_24_hrs_a_day/
%
Son: "Mom! The computer is full of viruses!"

Mom: "Screw the computer! I just won 2 free iPads and a free trip to Paris!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amqi6b/son_mom_the_computer_is_full_of_viruses/
%
I'm still tired after my first French self defence class...

I've never run so much in my whole life!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amqcei/im_still_tired_after_my_first_french_self_defence/
%
Two things that never get old -

dark humor and unvaccinated children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amqb6s/two_things_that_never_get_old/
%
I once tried to sleep with an entire orchestra

but I only made it to the second bass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amq9uk/i_once_tried_to_sleep_with_an_entire_orchestra/
%
Three Prostitutes are in a bar, discussing how loose they are.

The first fits a sausage.
The second fits a cucumber.
The third laughs, and slides down the barstool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amq8b2/three_prostitutes_are_in_a_bar_discussing_how/
%
I just watched a documentary about beavers

It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amq797/i_just_watched_a_documentary_about_beavers/
%
How do Americans make their tea?

By throwing it in the harbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amq6y1/how_do_americans_make_their_tea/
%
How do you get a crowd of elderly people to all yell "FUCK!" at the same time?

Be the first to call out bingo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amq507/how_do_you_get_a_crowd_of_elderly_people_to_all/
%
One day I'll pretend to be gay...

I'll make lots of female friends,  gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it......
BAMM!! !! !!
... I'll fuck their boyfriends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amq375/one_day_ill_pretend_to_be_gay/
%
My mom had colon cancer

now she has a semi-colon.
She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised, she doesn't take a lot of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amq2sd/my_mom_had_colon_cancer/
%
At the race track and saw a 100-1 horse win a race.

I couldn't believe it, what are the odds of that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ampzck/at_the_race_track_and_saw_a_1001_horse_win_a_race/
%
One day, a man was worried his wife has a hearing problem.

So before dinner, while his wife was cooking, the man stood behind her at a distance and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
He didn't see nor hear a reaction. Growing concerned, he stood a bit closer and asked again, "Honey, can you hear me?"
Once again, there was no response, and the wife kept cooking. The man being extremely worried at this point stood right behind his wife and pleaded "Honey, please tell me you can hear me!"
This time, the wife finally turned around but with a very irritated look and shouted "For the third time Henry, YES I CAN HEAR YOU!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ampz6x/one_day_a_man_was_worried_his_wife_has_a_hearing/
%
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ampva6/a_professor_is_sent_to_darkest_africa_to_live/
%
What Do Priests and McDonald have in common?

They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ampsp7/what_do_priests_and_mcdonald_have_in_common/
%
You can't spell "advertisements"

without semen between the tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ampq00/you_cant_spell_advertisements/
%
No ashtrays in the hotel room

Looks like smokings out the window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amppu2/no_ashtrays_in_the_hotel_room/
%
I'm Fat, but I Identify as Skinny ....

I'm Transfat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ampou9/im_fat_but_i_identify_as_skinny/
%
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.

Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.
Myneckisaur.
This is my first dad joke post :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ampnhe/took_my_kids_to_the_dinosaur_museum_today/
%
Doctor: I'd give him Lithium for his severe depression.

If that doesn't work, Barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ampn50/doctor_id_give_him_lithium_for_his_severe/
%
A Venezuelan man goes to buy a car.

The car salesman says, “you can pick it up in four years time.”
The man asks, “in the morning or the afternoon?”
Salesman: “does it matter?”
Man: “well the plumber is coming in the afternoon...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ampmn3/a_venezuelan_man_goes_to_buy_a_car/
%
A rancher thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 98.

So he rounded them up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amph64/a_rancher_thought_he_had_100_cows_but_when_he/
%
Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because walking takes too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amp97d/why_do_birds_fly_south_for_the_winter/
%
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.

I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m very disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amp7kp/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts_anonymous/
%
I identify as an elongated fish.

People say I'm mentally eel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amp3hr/i_identify_as_an_elongated_fish/
%
what do you call a group of baby soldiers?

INFANTry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amp01h/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_baby_soldiers/
%
I once wrote a ballad about a tortilla.

Actually, it was more of a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amozz1/i_once_wrote_a_ballad_about_a_tortilla/
%
A doe stumbles out of the forest...

A doe stumbles out of the forest and says, “I’ll never do that for five bucks again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amozh9/a_doe_stumbles_out_of_the_forest/
%
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amowxz/a_student_visits_the_principals_office_one_day/
%
I woke up this morning and was surprised to find a huge box of LEGO blocks sitting on my front porch.

I have no idea what to make of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amovk1/i_woke_up_this_morning_and_was_surprised_to_find/
%
Today I gave up my seat to an old blind lady on the bus

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amov38/today_i_gave_up_my_seat_to_an_old_blind_lady_on/
%
There are two things that never get old.

* Mocking people who don't vaccinate their kids.
* Their kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amorsh/there_are_two_things_that_never_get_old/
%
I am so talented that I can close my eyes and type this

Bdndjfkdhshdjfkfbshcjskahwjwwksndhcjdksbahxdkjbd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amop0a/i_am_so_talented_that_i_can_close_my_eyes_and/
%
Threw myself down a hill the other day

No real reason for it, it's just the way I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amolbq/threw_myself_down_a_hill_the_other_day/
%
Two tampons walk past each other down the street, which one says, "Hello" first?

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amob9q/two_tampons_walk_past_each_other_down_the_street/
%
What does one say to an anti-vaxx kid?

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
omae wa
mou shindeiru.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amoa0w/what_does_one_say_to_an_antivaxx_kid/
%
I don't like sunglasses

They're shady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amo6ep/i_dont_like_sunglasses/
%
An education is important

But having a big dick is importanter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amo2qb/an_education_is_important/
%
The German Dream

We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amo1ia/the_german_dream/
%
Autocomplete isn't perfect, it has its prostitutes.

Problems*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amo0y6/autocomplete_isnt_perfect_it_has_its_prostitutes/
%
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”

So, Pierre grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie`s lips.
“What are you doing, Pierre?” shrieks Marie.
“Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!” His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.
So she says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Pierre rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her tits.
“Pierre, what are you doing?”
“My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!” They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, “PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?”
“My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amnze2/pierre_a_french_fighter_pilot_takes_his/
%
There are only 10 types of people in this world.

Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amnw4i/there_are_only_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amnu09/how_did_jesus_stay_in_such_great_shape/
%
My Aussie friend doesn't understand Chess

He says check mate even when I have a way out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amntcu/my_aussie_friend_doesnt_understand_chess/
%
What gender are people who sleep exclusively with prostitutes?

Buysexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amnrf8/what_gender_are_people_who_sleep_exclusively_with/
%
What did socialists use before candles?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amno43/what_did_socialists_use_before_candles/
%
I ordered a chicken and an egg via Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amnksj/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_via_amazon/
%
"Forget everything you learned in College"

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."
"That works out because I never went to college."
"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amnk0w/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college/
%
What does a pirate say when he's urinating in a sea filled with dead men?

R.I.P
Hehehehe im sorry pls don't hurt me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amni9x/what_does_a_pirate_say_when_hes_urinating_in_a/
%
I want to tell a cheesy joke but,

Reddit keeps saying 'Error: Parmesan Denied.'
I should just think of a cheddar joke that would actually be gouda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amni3e/i_want_to_tell_a_cheesy_joke_but/
%
"He drives a 300k vehicle. He must be rich."

Woman: So what do you do for a living?
Man: I drive a bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amnhu3/he_drives_a_300k_vehicle_he_must_be_rich/
%
A few electrons are having a party

When suddenly, an uninvited proton enters, and since opposites attract, all the electrons get stuck to him. Unable to pull themselves away from the gatecrasher, they scream for help. A mystery stranger hears their cries, jumps in, pulls all the electrons off and throws the proton out of the premises. The grateful electrons ask their saviour to identify himself. Mysteriously, he pulls down his hat and answers:
"Bond. Covalent Bond."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amnei5/a_few_electrons_are_having_a_party/
%
I slept with a girl who works for Amazon Prime Video last night.

It was pretty mediocre and she constantly tried to make me pay for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amnecv/i_slept_with_a_girl_who_works_for_amazon_prime/
%
A couple are discussing starting a garden

"You know, I really love the roses and chrysanthemums," remarked the wife. "Maybe I'll start by planting those."
"Oh sure, why not," replied the husband. "Hey, let's start doing that now! It's a beautiful Saturday morning and we don't have anything else to do."
"Alright, let me just run to the store really quick then," said the wife. "You see, I haven't actually botany yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amn7yw/a_couple_are_discussing_starting_a_garden/
%
When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amn7ub/when_i_was_young_i_always_felt_like_a_male/
%
What do anti-vaxxers and Parents Against Alchohol have in common?

They don't want you giving shots to their kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amn6n0/what_do_antivaxxers_and_parents_against_alchohol/
%
Me :well, you know, change is inedible

Her : I think you mean inevitable
Me : *spitting out nickels* nope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amn5b3/me_well_you_know_change_is_inedible/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb in the US?

None, they just beat the room for being black and ask it to pay for the lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amn59z/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ammzr5/me_whats_the_wifi_password/
%
What's worse then ants in ur pants?

... uncle's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ammz0n/whats_worse_then_ants_in_ur_pants/
%
It's okay password...

I'm insecure too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ammu0j/its_okay_password/
%
A couple who's been married for 25 years are discussing their anniversary plans

Wife: what do you plan to give me on our silver wedding anniversary?
Husband: Surprise! I'm taking you to Europe!
Wife: Wow! How are you going to top that on our golden anniversary?
Husband: Well, I suppose I'll pick you up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ammsyu/a_couple_whos_been_married_for_25_years_are/
%
What do you call a Fortnite player in a car?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ammsg0/what_do_you_call_a_fortnite_player_in_a_car/
%
What do you call people who don't believe in evolution?

Primate change deniers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ammne6/what_do_you_call_people_who_dont_believe_in/
%
A man is sitting at a bar when a cop runs in.

"Sir," the cop shouts, holding up a strip of undeveloped film, "Is this you?!"
The man looks at the film strip, then at the officer. "That's a negative, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ammhr9/a_man_is_sitting_at_a_bar_when_a_cop_runs_in/
%
Why aren't vampires afraid of accidental pregnancies?

Because they can only come inside when invited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ammcpl/why_arent_vampires_afraid_of_accidental/
%
What's the difference between pink and purple?

The grip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amm9l6/whats_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
%
A poor farmer who lived in a small mining town came to its mayor and asked him if his son could marry his daughter.

The mayor angry at this insolent request, asked: "Why would I ever let your miserable kid marry my princess daughter?" which the farmer promptly replied: "Because he is the new general manager of the mines". The mayor, surprised and impressed with this information, ended up accepting his daughter's new engagement.
Later on that day, the farmer went to the to the mining company headquarters to talk to the company's owner. Once he was there, he asked the owner if his son could be the new general manager of the mines. Again, angry at the request, the owner asked: "Why do you think  I would ever give your poor kid this job?", which the farmer replied: "Because he is the mayor's new son-in-law"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amm3gx/a_poor_farmer_who_lived_in_a_small_mining_town/
%
I just blew a speaker in my car.

He said he was motivational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amlz3g/i_just_blew_a_speaker_in_my_car/
%
Two fish in a tank

One fish says to the other ‘how do you drive this thing’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amlv8g/two_fish_in_a_tank/
%
I hate Russian dolls

...they're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amls6z/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
Celebrate

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”
“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”
The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amlphc/celebrate/
%
What did the Muslim child say after having been caught stealing the second time?

"Look mom, no hands!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amlnjc/what_did_the_muslim_child_say_after_having_been/
%
Did you hear about the kinky baker?

He was into roll play.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amlmln/did_you_hear_about_the_kinky_baker/
%
You shouldn't trust atoms..

they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amll0y/you_shouldnt_trust_atoms/
%
Black eyes

A guy arrives at work with two black eyes. His colleagues quite naturally asked what happened. He explained, I was in an elevator with a gal in front of me that had her skirt rucked up in her crack. So I pulled it out and patted her skirt smooth for her. She then turned around and socked me in my right eye. So then they asked, how’d your left eye get black? Well I could tell that she didn’t like what I did so I reach out and tucked it back in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amlh7z/black_eyes/
%
What's Hitler's favorite mathematical process?

Process of elimination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amlgwv/whats_hitlers_favorite_mathematical_process/
%
Polish husband

A  Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions;
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No we have a carport, and not need one.
I mean, What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say:
Polish Remover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amlgp1/polish_husband/
%
What do you call a benefit 5k for Alzheimer’s?

A Walk to Remember?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amlf1b/what_do_you_call_a_benefit_5k_for_alzheimers/
%
The Doctors told me I was just Six Degrees from dying of Kevin Bacon

Fortunately, Bacon was cured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aml97k/the_doctors_told_me_i_was_just_six_degrees_from/
%
A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."
The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.
But a short while later, he receives another message. "Stupid autocorrect. I meant wifi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aml269/a_man_joins_the_mob_and_becomes_the_personal/
%
I just opened up a new restaurant

A customer came up to me and asked, “are you the owner of this establishment”?
I said, “I sure am. Is everything to your liking?”
“The food is delicious, the service is great, and I like the idea of a Pho BBQ restaurant. The only problem I have is the name that you chose for it.”
I replied, “well I like the name Pho Q.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aml20w/i_just_opened_up_a_new_restaurant/
%
I saw a mountain lion the other day.

Almost made me puma pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amkuwc/i_saw_a_mountain_lion_the_other_day/
%
I once had an interview to be a farrier

Interviewer: have you had any experience shoeing horses?
Me: No. But I did once tell a donkey to f*ck off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amkuub/i_once_had_an_interview_to_be_a_farrier/
%
Did you hear about the man with a lethal stutter?

He died of natural pauses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amkti6/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_a_lethal_stutter/
%
I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amksn8/i_slept_with_a_girl_who_works_at_netflix_last/
%
Why did Helen of troy hate her wedding cake

It was to Menilayas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amkrm8/why_did_helen_of_troy_hate_her_wedding_cake/
%
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to have sex with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amkqn3/my_therapist_told_me_that_i_have_trouble/
%
Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.
"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.
"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."
"I have three." Continues the older woman. "After the first kid, my husband was so sweet. He bought me a diamond necklace."
"Oh, how nice." Said the young woman.
"After the second, he bought me a new car. He said I deserve the best."
"Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman.
"And after the third, he bought us a new house. It was expensive, but he said his family was worth it."
"Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman.
"So, what has your husband gotten you?"
"Well, we only have one child. After he was born, my husband thought I needed to clean up my language, so he got me lessons at charm school."
"Is that so?"
"Yes. Now instead of saying 'go fuck yourself,' I say 'oh, how nice'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amkq3z/oh_how_nice_a_joke_from_my_96_year_old/
%
When asked how he keeps his cool under pressure...

The bomb squad captain said "either I'm right or it's not my problem anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amkn4n/when_asked_how_he_keeps_his_cool_under_pressure/
%
This is a very NSFW joke. You have been warned

Standing on office chairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amkesa/this_is_a_very_nsfw_joke_you_have_been_warned/
%
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon.

It’s not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amkegs/so_what_if_i_cant_spell_armageddon/
%
You know one the main reasons Jeffrey Dahmer got caught was because his freezer stopped working and the smell became so bad the neighbors were complaining.

The cops came to his door and said "We heard you were keeping a bunch of spoiled brats in here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amke4h/you_know_one_the_main_reasons_jeffrey_dahmer_got/
%
Who would win if Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton fought to death?

America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amke3d/who_would_win_if_donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton/
%
Why are some species of cat always endangered?

Because cheetahs never prosper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amkdxx/why_are_some_species_of_cat_always_endangered/
%
Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amk8hd/every_year_for_valentines_day_i_used_to_always/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amk7ua/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed and laughed about it for a while...

Then I remembered, me and my wife have different dentists…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amk3mk/when_my_dentist_reminded_me_about_my_wifes/
%
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amjxly/i_used_to_sell_security_alarms_door_to_door_and_i/
%
Just because I’m white doesn’t mean I’m racist

I mean for Christ’s sake, my dogs black!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amjs0r/just_because_im_white_doesnt_mean_im_racist/
%
Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous

Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amjfwo/im_not_going_to_vaccinate_my_kids_because_its_too/
%
Is there a word that contains all the vowels, including Y?

Unquestionably.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amjfr9/is_there_a_word_that_contains_all_the_vowels/
%
Boobs are like the sun.

You can stare at them longer with sunglasses on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amjao6/boobs_are_like_the_sun/
%
A man is leaving the sperm bank at which he just donated and chats with the receptionist...

Man: “Have a good day! And thanks again for that glass of milk earlier!”
Receptionist: “Wait wait wait... what milk?”
M: “The glass of milk that was sitting on your counter”
R: “Oh no... you drank the last of my milk”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amj9s3/a_man_is_leaving_the_sperm_bank_at_which_he_just/
%
High School Virgin

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amj39w/high_school_virgin/
%
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion

As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amj37o/my_dad_died_last_year_when_my_family_couldnt/
%
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons.

They forgot to mention morons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amivs1/scientists_say_the_universe_is_made_up_of_protons/
%
What is the difference between a Greyhound bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amiv59/what_is_the_difference_between_a_greyhound_bus/
%
You have to be a real piece of shit to throw your garbage out your car window.

I spent the whole day picking up trash along the highway as part of my community service for beating up my girlfriend & it’s really made me develop a hatred for scumbags who litter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amitd8/you_have_to_be_a_real_piece_of_shit_to_throw_your/
%
What's the difference between a staple and a screw?

I couldn't tell you because I've never been stapled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amirfh/whats_the_difference_between_a_staple_and_a_screw/
%
I bought a lifelike blow up sex doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite.

It farted and went down on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amiigl/i_bought_a_lifelike_blow_up_sex_doll_it_was_so/
%
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To stop being mistaken for feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amiib4/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
%
Whenever I'm in trouble I ask myself, "what would Jesus do"

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amii73/whenever_im_in_trouble_i_ask_myself_what_would/
%
I built a snow man this morning.

Then the sun came out and it became genderfluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ami4jn/i_built_a_snow_man_this_morning/
%
I've got an amazing joke about a group of people obsessed with fish food!

Cliquebait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ami4g4/ive_got_an_amazing_joke_about_a_group_of_people/
%
I went through this list of "100 things to do before you die"

Surprisingly, yelling for help is not one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhzsi/i_went_through_this_list_of_100_things_to_do/
%
The Chinese have taken over our office block.

That's wong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhy44/the_chinese_have_taken_over_our_office_block/
%
Old number 51628

A man is taking his giraffe for a walk downtown. He gets tired and stops at a bar. As the  man sits down the giraffe goes and lays down in the corner.
The bartender says to the man: Hey! You can't just leave that lyin' around!
Man: It's not a lion. It's a giraffe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhy14/old_number_51628/
%
My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhxqy/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_was_disgusting_for/
%
How do you make an egg roll?

Push it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhuji/how_do_you_make_an_egg_roll/
%
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhs96/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
%
My wife gets upset at me for hiding kitchen utensils.

But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhpyo/my_wife_gets_upset_at_me_for_hiding_kitchen/
%
Why Did Humpty Dumpty Have a Great Fall?

To make up for his terrible Summer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhmn4/why_did_humpty_dumpty_have_a_great_fall/
%
Medical researchers still haven't found a cure for premature ejaculation.

But I hear that it's coming quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhmgb/medical_researchers_still_havent_found_a_cure_for/
%
Why did King Arthur's wife never get pregnant?

His pull out game was legendary!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhlys/why_did_king_arthurs_wife_never_get_pregnant/
%
Did you hear what happened to the guy who plagiarized the joke?

He didn't make it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhkml/did_you_hear_what_happened_to_the_guy_who/
%
Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.
Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The doctor gave me 3 weeks to live.”
The colleagues are shocked and saddened by the news. They offered to pay the tab and buy even more drinks. The group had the time of their lives, sharing stories and bidding Billy an early farewell.
After everyone is finished and went home, Billy’s son said: “Dad, I thought you had cancer.”
Billy replied, “I do have cancer, but I don’t want those bastards sleeping with your mother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhh9d/billy_was_just_diagnosed_with_terminal_cancer_the/
%
Last night i was getting smashed in the asshole

When I thought what a strange name for a pub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhgzf/last_night_i_was_getting_smashed_in_the_asshole/
%
Two Scottish Nuns

Two  Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the  other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding  emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they  both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The  vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in  foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap  their 'dogs'.
The mother superior was  first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the  other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhgif/two_scottish_nuns/
%
A man goes to the doctor because he orgasms every time he sneezes.

The doctor says, "Well, what are you doing for this?"
The man says, "Me? Well, I've been sniffing pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhfg3/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_because_he_orgasms_every/
%
On finding his bride to be a virgin, a newly wedded groom is overjoyed and says, "I wanna kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity for me".

Bride: Kiss my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhegm/on_finding_his_bride_to_be_a_virgin_a_newly/
%
I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.
When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.
**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amhclj/i_have_a_friend_who_once_sneezed_while_snorting/
%
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce the word unionized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amh9to/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
%
My brother just updated his status to " I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amh8xz/my_brother_just_updated_his_status_to_i_love_my/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just emailed in my application form for a dominatrix club..." he tells the bartender.

"What happened?" the bartender asks. "I got an instant reply thanking me for my submission."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amh8gp/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer_i_just/
%
What's the best way to get bubblegum out of your hair?

Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amh62l/whats_the_best_way_to_get_bubblegum_out_of_your/
%
A guy comes home from the doctors crying, his wife says why are you crying honey,he said the doctor has put me on tablets for the rest of my life, wife says hey that's not so bad, husband replies.

He has only given me three tablets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amh5zv/a_guy_comes_home_from_the_doctors_crying_his_wife/
%
Beans the magical fruit

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amh1ju/beans_the_magical_fruit/
%
I like my coffee the way I like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amgwrz/i_like_my_coffee_the_way_i_like_my_slaves/
%
I just gave up watching the Fast and the Furious

Too many spoilers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amgqpo/i_just_gave_up_watching_the_fast_and_the_furious/
%
I'm always Frank with my sexual partners

I wouldn't want them to know my real name would I?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amgp6o/im_always_frank_with_my_sexual_partners/
%
A man stands in front of a food truck....

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amgm9y/a_man_stands_in_front_of_a_food_truck/
%
Your momma's so fat, last time she wore a glitter dress...

... the Hubble telescope thought it had discovered a new galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amgl58/your_mommas_so_fat_last_time_she_wore_a_glitter/
%
My cousin has two tickets for the Super Bowl, 50 yard line seats.

He paid $5,000 each for them but he didn't realize last year when he bought them that it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St. Michael's Church, at 3 p.m. The bride's name is Jenny, she's 5'5", about 135 lbs., a looker and a good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amghyz/my_cousin_has_two_tickets_for_the_super_bowl_50/
%
Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amghmn/where_do_little_jokes_come_from/
%
I hate closed minded people.

They never agree with my correct points.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amgd3g/i_hate_closed_minded_people/
%
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer,

The bartender says, sorry, we don't serve food here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amgcsx/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
%
Mafia Boss: I want the brake lines of this guy’s car to be rusting.

Chemist: I’m listening.
Mafia Boss: But make sure..it looks like an oxidant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amgbbu/mafia_boss_i_want_the_brake_lines_of_this_guys/
%
Every morning, i make my bed

Tommorow im returning this piece of shit to ikea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amga8f/every_morning_i_make_my_bed/
%
R Kelly likes his girls like he likes his professional footballers

Young, fit, and not allowed to come out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amg6ea/r_kelly_likes_his_girls_like_he_likes_his/
%
A girl says to her roommate, "Dirty dishes are like boyfriends."

"How so?" asked the roommate.
"I shouldn't have to do yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amg5pv/a_girl_says_to_her_roommate_dirty_dishes_are_like/
%
I had the wierdest sex yesterday. A guy put his penis in my ear

I still can't get it out of my head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amg50b/i_had_the_wierdest_sex_yesterday_a_guy_put_his/
%
What do you call an amateur expert on fish?

A fishionado

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amg15t/what_do_you_call_an_amateur_expert_on_fish/
%
Dad: Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only an idiot is always 100% sure about everything.

Son: Dad, are you sure?
Dad: Absolutely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amfyly/dad_remember_son_a_smart_person_always_has_doubts/
%
What do you call a conflict between composers?

A de*bach*le.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amfwsc/what_do_you_call_a_conflict_between_composers/
%
A german guy rescues a dog from drowning

then the owner of the dog says to him: "Thank you so much! Are you a vet?" to which the german guy responds with "I'm not just vet! I'm soaked!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amfu2f/a_german_guy_rescues_a_dog_from_drowning/
%
All the children had names,

except

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amfsrm/all_the_children_had_names/
%
Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave...

and not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amfsfo/schrodingers_cat_was_meant_to_prove_how_dumb/
%
The irony of getting a job

You get a job so you won't be homeless.
But when you get a job you're home a lot less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amfpn9/the_irony_of_getting_a_job/
%
I can’t stop having anal sex.

I’m a crack addict.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amflh1/i_cant_stop_having_anal_sex/
%
What's the difference

Between a corn farmer with Tourette's and a hooker with diarrhea ?
One of them shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amfciz/whats_the_difference/
%
How many potatoes

Does it take to kill an Irish man?
Zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amfbpn/how_many_potatoes/
%
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.

It was so emotional.
Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amfbjo/i_went_to_a_beautiful_wedding_this_weekend/
%
A bunch of fetishists are sitting around at their fetishists club bored trying to think up things to do.

Then one has an idea. The guy who's into bestiality says, "I wish we could find a cat and fuck it!"
The sadist says, "Yeah, and we could torture it before we fuck it!"
The necrophiliac says, "And then afterwards we'll kill it and fuck it again!"
The masochist says, "meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amfaua/a_bunch_of_fetishists_are_sitting_around_at_their/
%
I told my missus that I was thinking about a career in comedy.

She laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amfatp/i_told_my_missus_that_i_was_thinking_about_a/
%
*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*

Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..
Me: But mom, I lov.....
Mom: I was talking to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amf00v/introducing_my_girlfriend_to_the_family/
%
My Wallet is like an onion

because when i open it I cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amezy0/my_wallet_is_like_an_onion/
%
What do you call Identical Twin Brothers who choose a life of crime?

Cell Mates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ameu10/what_do_you_call_identical_twin_brothers_who/
%
Does anyone know if Donald Trump saw his shadow this morning?

Six more weeks of government shutdown coming if he did!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amerx0/does_anyone_know_if_donald_trump_saw_his_shadow/
%
A guy is sitting on a park bench...

... when he notices something odd about two workmen by the side of the path.  The first workman would dig a hole, then the second workman would fill the hole, and the pair would move along a few feet and repeat the process. He is intrigued and watches them a for few minutes, digging and filling holes.  Eventually he can't stand it any more and gets up to talk to them.
"Excuse me," he says.  ""I've been watching you a little while. Do you mind me asking what are you doing?"
The first workman looks up from his digging and replies, "Sure thing.  We're planting trees, but Fred's off sick today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ameqw6/a_guy_is_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
Why don't women work at the post office?

It's a mail dominated industry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ameqj9/why_dont_women_work_at_the_post_office/
%
I always thought I was a boy in a woman’s body.

Until I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amepnb/i_always_thought_i_was_a_boy_in_a_womans_body/
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Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ameo5u/sperm_bank/
%
If Baby Groot was sent to Winnie the Pooh's universe, what would his new name be?

Twiglet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amek9m/if_baby_groot_was_sent_to_winnie_the_poohs/
%
I watched a man on the street begging for change.

After a few hours, he got up, walked to a quiet street and hopped into his Mercedes. I followed him. When we were in quiet place, I flashed him and he got out the car.
I said, "I saw what you were doing back there... taking advantage of innocent, naive people, stealing their hard-earned money."
He said, "Yes, and what the fuck made you follow me all this way?"
I said, "Well, would you like a job as a telemarketer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amek26/i_watched_a_man_on_the_street_begging_for_change/
%
Do you know the antonyms of the following words?

Always
Coming
From
Take
Me
Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ameikr/do_you_know_the_antonyms_of_the_following_words/
%
Did you know?

People who are left handed on average score higher on tests than ones who suffer from infant mortality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amefyl/did_you_know/
%
If having sex for money makes you a whore

Does having sex for free mske you  a non-profit whoreganization?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amefn3/if_having_sex_for_money_makes_you_a_whore/
%
In English class..

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I".
Student: I is the..
Teacher: Stop! Never put "is" after "I." Always put 'am' after "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amefcf/in_english_class/
%
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ameesq/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amed4w/i_asked_a_chef_if_he_ever_served_a_steak_raw/
%
To me, perfect sex is like a car wash

You start by lining up right and going in slow and you finish when three Mexican dudes run up and furiously towel you off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ame9by/to_me_perfect_sex_is_like_a_car_wash/
%
Triplets

So one day a thief broke into this pregnant woman's house and shot her 3 times in her belly, she was pregnant of triplets and she went to the hospital, they all survived.
So 14 years later she's watching TV and one of the triplets comes to her screaming "mom, you never gonna believe what happened", she asks what has happened and he says "I was taking a piss and a bullet came out of my dick", so she tells the story to her son and continue to watch TV.
A few minutes later the second kid comes screaming to her mom "you never gonna believe what happened mom", she asks again and he says "I was taking a piss and a bullet came out of my dick", so again she tells the story to her son and go back to watch TV.
Later the third kid comes screaming "mom, you will never believe what happened", so the mom asks "you were taking a piss and a bullet came out of your dick?", the kid replies "no mom, I was jerking off and I shot the maid"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ame7ka/triplets/
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Does anybody know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

I feel like I keep hearing the same ones over and over again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ame5rx/does_anybody_know_any_good_groundhog_day_jokes/
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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said:
"Open your mouth, honey, and show him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ame2kw/a_man_and_his_wife_walked_into_a_dentists_office/
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With the weather conditions being as awful as they are, I thought I´d visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shops.

Turns out she did, so I gave her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amdv0y/with_the_weather_conditions_being_as_awful_as/
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You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you're grilling a steak on the BBQ?

I wonder if vegans get that when they mow the lawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amdtpd/you_know_that_mouthwatering_sensation_you_get/
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A man walks into a bar with 3 ducklings. [long]

A barman standing behind the bar at his pub cleaning up glasses when a man walks in with 3 ducklings. The man sits down and asks if he'll watch the ducks while he makes a call, barman says sure and off he goes.
Barman stands there looking at the ducklings for a few seconds then jokingly asks one 'so what's your name then?', suddenly the duck looks at him and says 'my names Dave, what do you want?'. Shocked the barman says 'fucking hell a talking duck!'. The first duckling responds telling him that he and all his brothers can talk.
Amazed the barman asks the first duckling how his day has been, the duck replies 'well you know, went for a walk down the park, in and out of puddles and now I'm gonna have a pint.'. Barman turns to the second duckling, asks his name and how his day has been, 'names Bob, same sort duck shit as my brother. Went to the park, in and out of puddles and now I'm gonna have a pint'.
Still shocked at the fact of talking ducks the barman turns to the 3rd brother to ask when he interrupts him, 'My name is Puddles, don't fucking ask about my day'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amds0n/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_3_ducklings_long/
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My daughter brought her new boyfriend home to meet us.

He seemed a bit of a gangster at first but then I realised he was in fact just deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amdpcd/my_daughter_brought_her_new_boyfriend_home_to/
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How do you send a girl with daddy issues over the edge?

Hi coming, I'm dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amdo9m/how_do_you_send_a_girl_with_daddy_issues_over_the/
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Alex Jones dies and meets Jesus at the pearly gates.

As they are waiting to see if God will allow Alex into heaven, Jesus says:
"Alex, while we wait you can ask me any question and I will answer it".
So Alex asks him, "who planned 9/11?"
And Jesus responds "Osama Bin Laden"
Alex goes " wow, this goes higher up than I thought."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amdnwv/alex_jones_dies_and_meets_jesus_at_the_pearly/
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A man walks into a restaurant​...

A man walks into a restaurant,
He sits down, and a waiter comes over.
The waiter says: "You see those meats stuck up there on the ceiling?"
The man says: "yeah, I do..."
Waiter: "If you can jump up and touch those meats, I will give you $250,000... but if you jump up and miss, you give me $250,000 dollars..."
The man says: "I need some time to think about it..."
Waiter: "Okay! I will come back in a bit."
10 minutes pass by...
The waiter comes back, and says: "Well, have you thought of your decision?"
The man says: "Yeah, I don't think I can do it."
Waiter: "What? Why not?"
The man says: "... The Steaks are too high..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amdiuh/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting.

They are. It's called wrestling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amdg86/since_the_success_of_the_rock_fans_suggest_more/
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Air Force One gets caught in a storm in the midwest

And crashes. Because most of the roads are out, it takes emergency responders a long time to reach the wreck. When they get there, they see a farmer.
"Did you see the plane crash?" asked the EMTs.
"Ayup. Sure did. Buried them all too," answered the farmer.
"None of them survived?"
"Well, the president said he did, but you know what a liar he is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amddol/air_force_one_gets_caught_in_a_storm_in_the/
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So weird.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amdb9o/so_weird/
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What's the difference between light and hard?

I can fall asleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amd9rl/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
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Me and my wife were in bed last night chatting together

Me : I bet you can't tell me something that would make me happy and sad at the same time.
My wife : You have the biggest dick out of all of your friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amd9k9/me_and_my_wife_were_in_bed_last_night_chatting/
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Worst thing to read in Braille

DANGER. DO NOT TOUCH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amd4z3/worst_thing_to_read_in_braille/
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What kind of plant generates the most energy?

A power plant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amd3pp/what_kind_of_plant_generates_the_most_energy/
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Kids are a lot like pancakes.

The first one comes out a bit funny but you can just eat it when no one is looking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amd3lb/kids_are_a_lot_like_pancakes/
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I couldn't find an ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning, so I improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet

I could only get 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amd399/i_couldnt_find_an_ice_scraper_for_the_car/
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My friend was telling me about this really good joke he saw on r/Jokes but before he could continue

I replied: “I know, I reddit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amd22c/my_friend_was_telling_me_about_this_really_good/
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There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take over was Turkey. But he didn’t mind since he essentially had control by surrounding the country’s borders.
After many years he had begun to get bored. Though he had gotten older he had maintained his impressive marathon abilities and lightning speed. So one day he decided to sign up for the olympics in order to really test his skill. Yet, despite all of his accomplishments, and much to his dismay, he was denied entrance. During the application, when the recruiters asked him what his greatest accomplishment was, he said “Iran around a Turkey sandwich”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amd0jt/there_was_once_a_marathon_runner_who_had_become/
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I went to a drug den dressed as HIV.

Nobody fucked with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amd02a/i_went_to_a_drug_den_dressed_as_hiv/
%
What do you call a suicide bomber from texas?

A yee-haw-di

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amczft/what_do_you_call_a_suicide_bomber_from_texas/
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Yo mamma blew so many people

Her nickname was Katrina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amcvdz/yo_mamma_blew_so_many_people/
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I live in a rough neighborhood

There are lots of gangs here, so it's pretty scary at times.
In fact, my neighbor used to be a blood.
Then he fell off the roof. Now he's a crip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amcuix/i_live_in_a_rough_neighborhood/
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"Sir, your eyes look red." growled the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I shot back. "Have you been eating donuts?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amcsqs/sir_your_eyes_look_red_growled_the_cop_have_you/
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To the person that stole all my anti-depressants...

I hope you’re happy now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amcrn1/to_the_person_that_stole_all_my_antidepressants/
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If the Stork is the bird of births...

Then the Swallow must be the bird of birth control?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amcl52/if_the_stork_is_the_bird_of_births/
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The Nun

One day a Hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a Hot Young Nun.
He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have Sex, to which she immediately says NO and walks off the bus.
The Bus Driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have Sex with you..."
Naturally the Hippie asks, and the Bus Driver tells him that every night at midnight the Nun goes to an old Graveyard to pray for God to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like God and tell the Nun she will be forgiven if she has Sex with you.
The Hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest Costume Shop.
Later that evening the Hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the Graveyard and sees the Nun praying, on her knees.
He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have Sex with me!"
The Nun agrees but asks if they can have Anal Sex in order to keep her Virginity. The Hippie agrees and once they are finished the Hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says
"Surprise, its me the Hippie!" The Nun jumps up and pulls off Her mask and says
"Surprise, its me the Bus Driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amckos/the_nun/
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Someone asked me whether my children are going to be vegetarian

I said they would probably be made of meat like everyone elses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amckjd/someone_asked_me_whether_my_children_are_going_to/
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Today at the gym I found a hole in my trainer large enough to stuck my finger through.

She's pressing charges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amcipf/today_at_the_gym_i_found_a_hole_in_my_trainer/
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I met this guy who liked to put helium balloons in his ship

Whatever floats your boat I guess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amcbf0/i_met_this_guy_who_liked_to_put_helium_balloons/
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The cashier at Costco dared to ask me why I’m buying a giant tub of whiteout.

Big mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amc9zo/the_cashier_at_costco_dared_to_ask_me_why_im/
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Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically inseparable and were often seen bumbling around town together.
Now, one day Stanley was working out in the shed when his lit cigarette ignited a nearby gas can. The can exploded, Stanley was engulfed in flames and, tragically, died from his injuries. After the police investigation ruled the explosion an accident, his mangled body was sent to the morgue. The entire front side of his body was burned beyond recognition, but everyone in town knew that if anybody could confirm it was Stanley, it'd be Cletus and Jimmy.
The mortician called Cletus in to identify the body. "Thank you for coming in, Cletus," she said gently. "I know this isn't easy for you and I appreciate you taking the time." Cletus replied in a somber tone. "No trouble at all, ma'am." The mortician lifted the sheet from the body, revealing Stanley's horribly burned frontside. She asked Cletus if this was indeed Stanley.
"Weeeeeeeell," said Cletus. "I don't know. I really can't tell. Why don't you flip him on over?" The mortician was confused, but obliged, revealing Stanley's relatively unharmed naked backside. Without hesitation, Cletus exclaimed, "Nope, that ain't Stanley!" The mortician was surprised, but thanked Cletus again for his time and sent him on his way.
She then called Jimmy to the morgue to see if he could provide a positive identification. As with Cletus, she offered her sympathies and thanked him for coming in. Then she pulled back the sheet and asked Jimmy if he could confirm it was Stanley.
"Weeeeeeell," Jimmy said pensively. "Hard to say. Would it be alright if you flip him over?" The mortician was even more surprised this time, but again obliged. After only a second, Jimmy said confidently, "Nope, that ain't Stanley." The mortician was dumbfounded.
"I have to ask," she said. "Why on earth did you want me to flip the body over? Cletus said the exact same thing!"
Jimmy replied, "Well you see miss, this man's only got one asshole."
"One asshole?!" the mortician cried. "What's that got to do with anything?!"
"Weeeeell you see," said Jimmy, "Whenever me and Cletus and Stanley walked through town, everybody would point and say, 'There goes Stanley with them two assholes!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amc7to/stanley_was_killed_in_a_freak_explosion_in_his/
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Why doesn't the pope want to be cremated?

Because he's still alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amc6j6/why_doesnt_the_pope_want_to_be_cremated/
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My girlfriend said she wanted to have sex on her period because the orgasms are more intense. I said I was game for that.

Now we just have to wait a couple of years for her to have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amc6ef/my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_to_have_sex_on_her/
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Someone should really put marijuana butter on popcorn and sell it...

they could call it Mari Poppins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amc58h/someone_should_really_put_marijuana_butter_on/
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I used to wonder why the world was so crazy

Then I realized that it was bipolar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amc0xp/i_used_to_wonder_why_the_world_was_so_crazy/
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Why dont anteaters get sick?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ambxs2/why_dont_anteaters_get_sick/
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Metaphors aren't like similes.

Metaphors are similes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ambttg/metaphors_arent_like_similes/
%
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ambtkt/my_life_completely_changed_after_i_learned_morse/
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I thought about getting myself a watch so long I could wear it as a belt

But I guess it'd be such a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ambt0i/i_thought_about_getting_myself_a_watch_so_long_i/
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What did one DNA strand say to the other?

Do these genes make me look fat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ambr1x/what_did_one_dna_strand_say_to_the_other/
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Did you know that pigeons die when they have sex?

I’m thinking that I need something a bit bigger.
a parrot perhaps?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ambq8k/did_you_know_that_pigeons_die_when_they_have_sex/
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NSFW - Priest's wife

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,
Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.
Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ambp0i/nsfw_priests_wife/
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Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?
Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.
Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ambg7i/engineer_and_antivaxxer_come_to_the_bridge/
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My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.

“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said.
I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ambaos/my_wife_told_me_i_had_a_small_penis_so_i_said_it/
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My girlfriend broke up with me today for making a joke about Black people.

Looks like she wasn't a fan of dark humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amb13y/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_today_for_making_a/
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It all

The title says it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amazbo/it_all/
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FDR: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Truman: I'm gonna have to stop ya right there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amaywz/fdr_the_only_thing_we_have_to_fear_is_fear_itself/
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What do R. Kelly and current temperatures have in common?

They're both in the teens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amaxln/what_do_r_kelly_and_current_temperatures_have_in/
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Why don't black people ever go on cruises?

They ain't falling for that trick again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amavlo/why_dont_black_people_ever_go_on_cruises/
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You should feel happy if someone tells you are a nobody...

Becasuse nobody is perfect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amav37/you_should_feel_happy_if_someone_tells_you_are_a/
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Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amak70/where_are_owls_that_commit_crimes_sent_as/
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I was watching Jurassic park the other day,

when I thought, “Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he’s also a shit driver”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amahu3/i_was_watching_jurassic_park_the_other_day/
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Limbo stick stolen.

How low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/amador/limbo_stick_stolen/
%
As a scarecrow, people say I'm outstanding in my field...

But hay, it's in my jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ama6j4/as_a_scarecrow_people_say_im_outstanding_in_my/
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A monk joins an abbey

ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand. After the first day though he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.
"If someone makes a mistake," he points out. "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse the error would continue to be made."
A bit startled, the priest decides that he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in a vault beneath the abbey. A place only he has access to.
Well two days, then three days pass without the old priest resurfacing. Finally the new monk decides to see if the old guy's alright. When he gets down to the vault though, he discovers the priest hunched over both a newly copied book and the ancient original text. He is sobbing and by the look of things has been sobbing for a long time.
"Father?" The monk whispers
"Oh Lord Jesus," the priest wails. "The word is 'celebrate'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ama4or/a_monk_joins_an_abbey/
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Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making all the headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ama295/have_you_heard_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
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Two pilots are on a routine flight.

One is a Caucasian man with over 22 years of experience as a pilot. His co-pilot is a Iranian-American man who started the job just 2 months ago. This was the first time the two have flown together, so small talk is very little.
The white guy decides to break the ice. "So, you know anything about nuclear physics?" The Caucasian was a little prejudiced, but was actually curious if he would respond.
"I'm not really sure," replied the other guy. "But I don't understand how a goat's droppings is in pebbles while a horse's droppings are just giant rocks. These animals are herbivores yet an eagle's droppings are liquid despite being a bird of prey."
The older man was amazed and thanked the rookie for teaching something he did not know, only for the Iranian-American man ask, "Then how can we talk about nuclear physics if you don't know shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ama12a/two_pilots_are_on_a_routine_flight/
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Two men walk into a chemistry supply store

The first man says: 'I'll have some H2O'.
The second man says: 'I'll have some H2O too'
The second man died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am9w3w/two_men_walk_into_a_chemistry_supply_store/
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What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am9u5l/whats_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
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Did you hear what weather is going to be for Super Bowl LIII?

Sunny, clear sky with no Brees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am9rdk/did_you_hear_what_weather_is_going_to_be_for/
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Someone should challenge Donald trump to finance the wall himself.

After all, a wall is really just a giant skyscraper on its side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am9r7y/someone_should_challenge_donald_trump_to_finance/
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A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck.

The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am9qli/a_13_month_old_baby_breaks_a_mirror_giving_it_7/
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I’m going to call my dick ‘Effort’

I’ll put in all that I got, might not be enough, but at least I tried

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am9h8k/im_going_to_call_my_dick_effort/
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This NEW diet plan will make you almost NEVER hungry

Depression
Side effects: Depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am9g56/this_new_diet_plan_will_make_you_almost_never/
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Three Men in the Jungle

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am9aps/three_men_in_the_jungle/
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I think camping is the most exhilarating thing to do!

Its in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am987t/i_think_camping_is_the_most_exhilarating_thing_to/
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A Buddhist finds a Genie in a lamp

The genie says "I can grant you one wish." The Buddha says with tears in his eyes "I've always wanted to be Hispanic, and I have also lived this life of poverty. What I would really like is for you to make me Juan, with everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am982p/a_buddhist_finds_a_genie_in_a_lamp/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am979b/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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Oreos are like boobies...

So much better with milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am940z/oreos_are_like_boobies/
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My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am91kf/my_boss_is_threatening_to_fire_the_employee_with/
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What do Mexicans think about Trump’s border wall?

They’ll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am8pxg/what_do_mexicans_think_about_trumps_border_wall/
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What is the difference between a pizza and a violinist?

The pizza can actually feed a family of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am8pbe/what_is_the_difference_between_a_pizza_and_a/
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Why was a man kicked out of the Amputee ward?

He was armed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am8lwv/why_was_a_man_kicked_out_of_the_amputee_ward/
%
My wife says I have two faults

I don't listen, and something else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am8f29/my_wife_says_i_have_two_faults/
%
Where did the terrorist sleep?

On a blowup mattress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am8czr/where_did_the_terrorist_sleep/
%
What do roosters watch when they're horny?

Hen-tai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am89hr/what_do_roosters_watch_when_theyre_horny/
%
Insert joke here

This Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulder, he tells the border guard the the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn't believe him. The guard detains the guy, then rips open the bags, nothing but sand, he even has the sand analyzed, only to find out bag it really is just sand, and the sack is just a plain old sack, two days later the same thing happens, and then it happens again two days after that, every time the guy on the bike is carrying nothing but sand, this goes on for seven years, it drives the guard crazy, he loses his job because of it, so, one day he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, " I am no longer a border guard, but I gotta know what is it that you where smuggling? You are smuggling something", the guy smiles at him and says .... bicycles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am88xa/insert_joke_here/
%
What did the kinky vegetable say to the other vegetable.

You oughta choke me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am8497/what_did_the_kinky_vegetable_say_to_the_other/
%
A woman gets a call from kidnappers.

"We have your son," said the kidnapper.
"I don't have a son," says the woman.
"Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?"
"Oh, God you have my husband!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am82o6/a_woman_gets_a_call_from_kidnappers/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

Big tits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am82na/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A Spanish woman was married to an Arabic man when they discovered they were going to have identical twin boys.

After much discussion, it was decided that one should be named after his paternal grandfather Amal and the other after his maternal grandfather Juan.
Years go by ...
The boys and their mom are at the grocery store one day when the boys were about 6 yrs old.  As the mom was looking at cereal prices, she noticed that Amal was nowhere to be seen.  She freaked out and looked in the adjacent aisles and still couldn't find him. An employee saw Juan crying and the mom flipping out.  He asked what was going on, and offered to help.  He asked her if she had a photo of Amal so he would know who he was looking for.  She told him, "They're twins ... If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am829c/a_spanish_woman_was_married_to_an_arabic_man_when/
%
In a restaurant, one of the diners notices that the waiter carries a teaspoon in the pocket of his jacket

He looks at the other waiters and sees that all of them carry teaspoons in the pocket of their jackets. He asks the waiter about it:
"Excuse me, could you tell me why do you carry a teaspoon in your pocket?"
"Well, it has been shown that the teaspoons are the piece which falls most often, so we carry one to change it faster in case one of them falls, saving a 3% of our time"
"Well, that's very intelligent"
Later, he notices that the waiter has a thread hanging out of his trousers. He looks at the other waiters and they all have it. He asks about it to the waiter:
"Excuse me, I've also noticed that you have a thread hanging out of your trousers. Does it have an explanation too?"
"Yes. As we have to work here lots of hours, we need to use the toilet a lot. The thread is used to pull the penis out of the trousers when we want to pee, so we don't have to clean our hands later, saving a 4% of our time"
"That's very intelligent too, but, when you want to put it back inside, how do you do it?"
"I don't know about the others, but I use the teaspoon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am7yot/in_a_restaurant_one_of_the_diners_notices_that/
%
I am pretty bad at building fences.

Oops, wrong place for this post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am7nf7/i_am_pretty_bad_at_building_fences/
%
A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business.

He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life.
One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
A month later, she became his stepmother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am7hj1/a_single_guy_was_living_with_his_elderly_father/
%
I just got home from the World Amnesiac Masturbation Championships.

I can’t remember where I came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am7ejz/i_just_got_home_from_the_world_amnesiac/
%
My girlfriend is blonde and anorexic.

I’ve stuck with her through thick and thin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am7bml/my_girlfriend_is_blonde_and_anorexic/
%
Jupiter, Saturn, and Pluto walk into a bar.

After sitting down, Jupiter says: "I'm the biggest planet, give me the biggest beer you have."
Saturn says: "I'm the best looking planet, give me the fanciest drink you have."
Pluto says: "I know I'm not a planet, but give me a shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am7af6/jupiter_saturn_and_pluto_walk_into_a_bar/
%
If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,

what does smoking Marijuana do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am7013/if_smoking_marijuana_causes_short_term_memory_loss/
%
I went to a peanut factory today.

It was nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am700u/i_went_to_a_peanut_factory_today/
%
He's getting the job . . All the jobs . .

Employer: What makes you think you are qualified  to work in the Porn Industry . .
Man: I'm always hard at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am6zwy/hes_getting_the_job_all_the_jobs/
%
What do anti-vaxx children play in the pool?

Marco-Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am6zt2/what_do_antivaxx_children_play_in_the_pool/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am6vh5/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
What makes a good pizza joke?

It’s all in the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am6qv4/what_makes_a_good_pizza_joke/
%
I like the idea of a individual personal hell

It finally means someone will do something special just for me :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am6qkx/i_like_the_idea_of_a_individual_personal_hell/
%
My father never hit me but when I was bad he would take off his belt...

And then he would take off his pants. Needless to say, I didn't like the way I was reared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am6qaz/my_father_never_hit_me_but_when_i_was_bad_he/
%
Why are wedding dresses white

So that the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am6oky/why_are_wedding_dresses_white/
%
My wife accused me of being immature

I told her to get out of my fort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am6ncc/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
%
My wife told me to be more spontaneous and funny...

But she was all screaming and tears, when I banged on the kitchen window dressed in a clown outfit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am6jz9/my_wife_told_me_to_be_more_spontaneous_and_funny/
%
A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche

and his parents began to yell and scream,
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs..”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. Don’t know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am6cfe/a_fifteenyearold_boy_came_home_with_a_porsche/
%
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn’t give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather’s hen tie collection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am6bwf/my_grandfather_died_and_i_inherited_some_of_his/
%
My wife said 'that having a little penis shouldn't ruin our sex life'...

I'd like to say I agree, but I wish she didn't have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am6bh2/my_wife_said_that_having_a_little_penis_shouldnt/
%
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied the Politician, "That she has a big mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am64ff/at_a_news_conference_a_journalist_said_to_the/
%
You guys are familiar with Freudian slips right?

It’s when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am642q/you_guys_are_familiar_with_freudian_slips_right/
%
Her: My lips are so dry.

Him: Doesn’t that hurt when you walk?
Her: WHAT?
Him: What?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5zm6/her_my_lips_are_so_dry/
%
Three engineers are sitting at a bar and the bartender asks "If God were an engineer what type would he be."

The first engineer says "He'd be a mechanical engineer.  Think about all the bones in the human body and well they work together."
The second engineer says "Well, God was most likely an electrical engineer.  Consider the human brain and the complexity of the nervous system."
The third engineer says "Obviously He was a civil engineer.  Who else would run water and sewer through a recreational area."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5xah/three_engineers_are_sitting_at_a_bar_and_the/
%
Sex with teacher...

Boy confides to his father he had sex with his teacher.
The father says "Don't tell your mother I said this but I'm proud of you. In fact, I'm going to buy you that new dirt bike you've been wanting."
A week later the father says "It doesn't look like you've ridden your new dirt bike. What's wrong?"
The son says "My butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5wgb/sex_with_teacher/
%
What’s the difference between an Audi and a hedgehog?

The pricks are on the outside of the hedgehog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5uc4/whats_the_difference_between_an_audi_and_a/
%
I hate when engineering students call themselves engineers

You don't see medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5ssl/i_hate_when_engineering_students_call_themselves/
%
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5snd/the_only_person_trump_ever_hired_who_was_actually/
%
Sex when camping is the best.

It's in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5r7i/sex_when_camping_is_the_best/
%
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5ld5/americans_always_have_something_to_complain_about/
%
I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5la7/i_walked_in_on_my_grandma_sucking_grandads_dick/
%
Trump says he believes in traditional marriages

He has had 3 of them so far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5km5/trump_says_he_believes_in_traditional_marriages/
%
Make puns in a lift.

It might elevate the mood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5j1q/make_puns_in_a_lift/
%
What's E.T. short for?

Because he's got those little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5irb/whats_et_short_for/
%
A fish made from two sodium molecules

Two-Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5gj8/a_fish_made_from_two_sodium_molecules/
%
What do you call a sperm bank above maximum capacity?

Overloaded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5bca/what_do_you_call_a_sperm_bank_above_maximum/
%
Every toilet is a bidet

You just have to poop hard enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am5atu/every_toilet_is_a_bidet/
%
Why does no one laugh when Queen Elizabeth farts?

Coz noble gases got no reactions!
Omg! My first gold. Thank you so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am59e2/why_does_no_one_laugh_when_queen_elizabeth_farts/
%
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?

**They were past their hexpiration date!**
*I'm so sorry. My 8yo kid asked me to make up a joke and it's SO HARD to craft a joke that's kid-appropriate.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am4z5p/why_did_harry_potter_throw_away_all_his_old/
%
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.

But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am4we0/i_used_to_play_the_triangle_in_a_reggae_band/
%
A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of obnoxious jerks. The wife says "Relatives of yours?"

The husband says "Yep, in-laws."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am4u3p/a_husband_and_wife_had_been_arguing_all_day_they/
%
How long can you hold your breath for?

"Longer than you can last in bed!" my beautiful, blonde girlfriend proudly declared.
"You're on!" I replied.
That night we both plopped onto the bed and began screwing.  My girlfriend closed her mouth and pinched her nose as she rode on top of me.  Meanwhile, I tried thinking of the most disgusting thing I could imagine to numb the pleasure.  It was no use.  It was over a minute and thirty seconds.
"Alright, you win!" I said, ashamed of myself.  I didn't even wait to hear her response as I immediately put the covers over my head and went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning to find my girlfriend wasn't in bed.  We almost always wake up about the same time.  Concerned, I sat up only to find the lifeless body of my girlfriend sprawled on the floor.  I screamed and immediately leapt out of bed.  That's when my feet got caught in the covers midair and my body fell face first into the hardwood floor.
My girlfriend shoots up from the floor, gasps for air, and enthusiastically proclaims "Wow, I was wondering when you'd give up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am4tz2/how_long_can_you_hold_your_breath_for/
%
A joke my dad always tells.

Mary Jane was swinging on the swing set when her Mama came out and yelled,
“Mary Jane! Don’t swing so high! The boys can see your underwear!”
But Mary Jane just laughed and laughed, because she knew she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am4t6k/a_joke_my_dad_always_tells/
%
Thanos’s snap in infinity war would’ve had a greater impact if marvel made it seem that half of the audience wasn’t there,

But apparently only DC movies can do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am4sar/thanoss_snap_in_infinity_war_wouldve_had_a/
%
Made a chicken salad this morning

Stupid thing wont even eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am4m5h/made_a_chicken_salad_this_morning/
%
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a flying pig?

The letter F.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am4jiu/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_a/
%
Met Office severe weather warning:

Be careful who you take home tonight, you could be stuck with them for the whole weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am4izu/met_office_severe_weather_warning/
%
A man goes to prison.

The first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.
He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter.
"What's going on?" he asked his cellmate.
"Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier."
"Oh," he says, "can I try?"
"Sure, go ahead."
So, he yells out "102!" and the place is dead quiet save for a few gasps. Confused, he looks at his cellmate who is just shaking his head.
"Hey, what happened?"
"Man, that's not cool. Lenny's mom just died."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am4f0u/a_man_goes_to_prison/
%
Man: hey do you like my new camo jacket?

Man2: Idk I can’t see it
Man: haha good one
Man2: I’m blind, you know this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am4c7h/man_hey_do_you_like_my_new_camo_jacket/
%
Did you hear about the two gay dyslexic physicists?

They liked to show each other their Hadrons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am4baw/did_you_hear_about_the_two_gay_dyslexic_physicists/
%
Why don't you ever see pregnant Barbies in the store?

Because Ken comes in a different box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am4aww/why_dont_you_ever_see_pregnant_barbies_in_the/
%
Of all the people I know, my Hindu friends are the most chilled out.

They never have beef with anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am4atj/of_all_the_people_i_know_my_hindu_friends_are_the/
%
My wife got a haircut today, and came home to show me. I said, "that's amazing, I love it!"

"... Did you get it shorter or longer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am48pp/my_wife_got_a_haircut_today_and_came_home_to_show/
%
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am3vcz/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches_long/
%
What's worse than finding 2 babies in a trash can?

Finding 1 baby in two trash cans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am3uyn/whats_worse_than_finding_2_babies_in_a_trash_can/
%
Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am3r3s/remember_proper_protection_this_valentines_day/
%
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?

He let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am3ph1/what_did_the_grape_do_when_he_got_stepped_on/
%
The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.
The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.
As he is watching footage of the conflict in Afghanistan, he sees it! A young man pulls the pin on a grenade and throws it forty yards to fly through the open window of a fast moving car!
“Wow that kid’s got an arm!” He exclaims. He gets on the phone and recruits the kid to the Detroit Lions the very next day.
They go on to win the Super Bowl!
That night the kid calls home to his mother.
“Mom, I’ve done it! I’ve led my team to a Super Bowl victory, are you proud?”
“No!” His mother snaps back. “I don’t care about your stupid Super Bowl. We live in constant fear! Our home is little more than a pile of rubble! Your brothers were murdered in the streets! Your sisters cannot go out for fear of being assaulted! We are suffering!”
“But mom...” He tries to interject.
“Shut up!” She screams, “I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am3nxf/the_detroit_lions_have_almost_assembled_a_team_to/
%
I asked my doctor to change my cock into a pussy

He said, "I've told you before, it's not possible.... now please stop bringing that fucking bird into my surgery".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am3lc2/i_asked_my_doctor_to_change_my_cock_into_a_pussy/
%
A man with a broken arm comes in doctors office

Doctor: "Okay, so tell me how did you break it?"
Man: "Well, I was trying to avoid a child.."
Doctor: "Ah, yes, and you crashed your car."
Man: "Um, I fell off of bed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am3how/a_man_with_a_broken_arm_comes_in_doctors_office/
%
I never forget the time when we were at the party, playing truth and dare and

someone dared me to go home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am3hmf/i_never_forget_the_time_when_we_were_at_the_party/
%
William Shakespeare once said "Better Three Hours Too Soon Than a Minute Too Late"

My wife disagrees.
It's really put a strain on our sex life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am3er6/william_shakespeare_once_said_better_three_hours/
%
Re

Whoops, look like I got caught Re-posting...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am3c5h/re/
%
Panda and a Prostitute

A  panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning  as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey,  aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'
The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am360y/panda_and_a_prostitute/
%
Why did Oedipus never use profanity?

Because he kissed his mother with that mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am358t/why_did_oedipus_never_use_profanity/
%
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am34je/what_do_pink_floyd_and_princess_diana_have_in/
%
A terrorist is teaching a class

He carefully puts on a jacket loaded with explosives and, turning to his pupils, says:
"Now watch carefully, because I'm only going to do this once!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am33ov/a_terrorist_is_teaching_a_class/
%
A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"

"You see, Petya, every night my wife keeps having dreams where she's dating Putin" says Dima.
"So?" says Petya.
Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop dating him."
"What happened next?" probes Petya.
And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream where an FSB colonel hinted at me that I should leave this matter alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am32y4/a_russian_meets_his_friend_he_says_dima_my_friend/
%
If you want to warm something up in Chicago...

You would place it in a fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am31pm/if_you_want_to_warm_something_up_in_chicago/
%
No Raise for you

A worker, tired of working for the same pay for years goes to his boss and asks for a raise.
"A raise? What for? You hardly even work here." said the fast-talking boss.
"What do you mean I don't work. I've been working here for years." said the frustrated worker.
"Look, I'll prove it to you." said the boss as he leads the worker to the whiteboard in his office.
"There are 365 days in a year right? 366 this year cause it's a leap year right? You work 8 hours a day, which is a third of a day. So a third of 366 is 122 days. You don't work on Saturdays and Sundays so that's 2 days a week, which comes to 104 days a year. So take away 104 from 122 and you get 18 days. You have 12 holidays a year. Take 12 out of 18 and you get 6 days. Everybody has a minimum of a weeks vacation so take away 7 days from your remaining 6 and you actually owe me money for a day. So you don't even work here. How can you be asking for a raise?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am2zi0/no_raise_for_you/
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I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am2wp6/i_couldnt_afford_a_nice_television_so_i_just/
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If you deny pooping after being in the bathroom for a while...

I'm going to assume you're full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am2sv7/if_you_deny_pooping_after_being_in_the_bathroom/
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3 men go to a hotel late at night

Only one room is left and there is only one large bed to sleep on, the men decide to go and share it.
The morning after...
Man on the left: Guys, I had an awesome dream last night. I hooked up with this smoking hot blonde and got a handjob!
Man on the right: whoa, what a coincidence... I had a similar dream but with a red head!
Man in the middle: That doesn't even touch the dream that I had! I was a professional skier!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am2qb4/3_men_go_to_a_hotel_late_at_night/
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A new study shows that unvaccinated children are shown to have lower rates of autism than vaccinated children.

Because a dead two year old can't be fucking diagnosed with autism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am2q02/a_new_study_shows_that_unvaccinated_children_are/
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What do you call a chicken's sidewalk drawing?

A chalk-a-doodle-do!
(Credit: My 6 year old daughter who makes up jokes while we're driving. Proud parent moment, she is getting to be one of the best pun-slingers I know)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am2l8n/what_do_you_call_a_chickens_sidewalk_drawing/
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A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"
"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am2dbk/a_german_was_packing_his_luggage_for_holiday_when/
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Jack, John and Peter was captured by tribesmen for trespassing their teritory.....

The tribe leader ordered the three guys: "Go in the forest and pick a fruit of your choice with ten pieces of it and then return here immediately"
after a couple of minutes Jack returned carrying 10 apples
Tribe leader: "here's what we will do... we will shove that 10 apples to your ass, if u laugh we throw u in the crocodiles. If u didnt then ur free to go"
Jack laughed on the first apple then they threw him in the crocodiles, died and went to heaven.
Here comes John holding 10 grapes. The tribe leader said the same thing.
The first grape in his ass.....no reaction...2nd, no reaction...3rd ..4th, 5th , 6th , 7th , 8th..... but in the 9th grape he suddenly burst into laughter. They threw him in the crocodiles, died and went to heaven.
In heaven:
Jack : "John! U were good! Why did u laugh on the 9th grape?"
John replied, "Because i saw Peter coming. He was carrying ten jackfruits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am2c5q/jack_john_and_peter_was_captured_by_tribesmen_for/
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Why are men smarter than women?

Two heads are better than one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am2bxi/why_are_men_smarter_than_women/
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I bought some shoes off a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am23vl/i_bought_some_shoes_off_a_drug_dealer/
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A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they settled into their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am205t/a_man_boarded_a_plane_with_six_kids/
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I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 91% recycled content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am1zul/im_pleased_to_announce_reddit_has_achieved_its/
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Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am1y2v/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
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A student got in trouble during class and was sent to the principal's office for the first time.

The principal says to him, "What's your name, son?"
The student replies: "T-T-T-on-on-on-tony, Sir."
The principal looks up and asks him, "Oh, do you have a stutter?"
The student replies, "No sir, my dad has a stutter. The guy who registered my name was a jerk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am1qef/a_student_got_in_trouble_during_class_and_was/
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Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am1mjx/thanos_seems_a_lot_like_a_pessimist_to_me/
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My vasectomy was supposed to change everything.

I haven't noticed a vas deferens after the procedure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am1l7s/my_vasectomy_was_supposed_to_change_everything/
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In capitalist America...

Bank robs you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am1knj/in_capitalist_america/
%
The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct." She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am1ju8/the_teacher_asks_flora_what_part_of_the_human/
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Why did the terrorist's wife leave him?

She didn't know what jihad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am1h4t/why_did_the_terrorists_wife_leave_him/
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14. Having your title be an extension of the post as well

Things I hate
1 Lists
2 Irony
4 Numbers being out of order
5 Skipping numbers
F Inconsistency
7 Repetition
7 Repetition
8 Speling wurdz rong
9 DLC
10 Replying to your own comment
Buy the Reddit Post Expansion pack or only $9.99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am1aq4/14_having_your_title_be_an_extension_of_the_post/
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I was going to try out archery

But there were too many drawbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am19am/i_was_going_to_try_out_archery/
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Asked the librarian for a book on suicide

"Fuck off you won't bring it back" She replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am197o/asked_the_librarian_for_a_book_on_suicide/
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It's always a sad day when I end up having to boil water.

It will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am18oh/its_always_a_sad_day_when_i_end_up_having_to_boil/
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A tall, muscular thug stomps into a bar and shouts “Is Dave Smith here?”

No one answers. The thug gets angrier and bellows “Does Dave Smith have the gall to come out here?”
The bar frequenters look at each other in fear, but don’t say anything.
The thug tries one last time. “No Dave Smith here then?”, he roars. Just then, a skinny guy steps forward and says, “I’m Dave Smith.”
The thug grabs him by the neck and leads him into a back room in the bar. The frequenters hear loud crashing and thudding noises coming out of the room, and a few minutes later the thug exits the bar looking satisfied. A few bold frequenters look inside the room, and find the skinny man bruised, swollen and bleeding. And yet, he’s laughing!
The frequenters ask the man why is he laughing after such a beating, and he answers between giggles:
“I fooled the idiot, my name isn’t even Dave Smith!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am14ov/a_tall_muscular_thug_stomps_into_a_bar_and_shouts/
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One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it, was Richard Nixon and a  large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in  hell.
"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day  long.”
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it, was Ronald Reagan with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that  hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.”
“I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day”, commented Donald.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, “Okay: Monica, you're free to go."
Also, thank you to those who were kind enough to give me my first gold and silver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am112y/one_day_in_the_future_donald_trump_has_a/
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I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.

“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?”
“Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.”
“Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am10x4/i_walked_in_the_lounge_to_find_my_wife/
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What was the blind man holding a grater shouting about?

"WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am0zeq/what_was_the_blind_man_holding_a_grater_shouting/
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Where does virgin wool comes from?

From ugly sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am0xxl/where_does_virgin_wool_comes_from/
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Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no on both occasions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am0vox/two_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_on_a/
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What does a girl do after she sucks a cock?

She spits out the feathers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am0pzz/what_does_a_girl_do_after_she_sucks_a_cock/
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One day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.

No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet height, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't need to pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was.!
Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.
And the next day, and the one after that and so forth.!
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer.
He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once Again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am0h24/one_day_a_bus_driver_went_to_the_bus_garage/
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Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am0gxi/got_my_girlfriend_a_get_better_soon_card/
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Recently came into some money.

Instant regret, way too sticky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am0fif/recently_came_into_some_money/
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If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am0abe/if_anyone_ever_figured_out_my_secret_4digit_code/
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What's blue and f*cks grannys?

Hypothermia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am0a65/whats_blue_and_fcks_grannys/
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Woman went to a gynecologist

She laid on the table and and spread her legs. The doctor started the examination.
"Wow, you have a huge vagina, wow you have a huge vagina."
Woman was embarrassed, and said:
"Yes I know, but you didn't have to say it twice."
To which the doctor replied:
"I only said it once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am07mv/woman_went_to_a_gynecologist/
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My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep making comments about her height

So when she gets home from work, i’ve got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I’m going to run her a nice hot sink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/am01n1/my_dwarf_girlfriend_has_been_a_bit_down_recently/
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I literally can’t even

-Prime numbers other than 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alzxxn/i_literally_cant_even/
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Too much drinking!

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.  After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.  After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.  The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alzws1/too_much_drinking/
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Why did the imam start a weight loss program?

He wanted people to be “more slim”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alzr6t/why_did_the_imam_start_a_weight_loss_program/
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If a lion is the king of the jungle...

Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alzp5h/if_a_lion_is_the_king_of_the_jungle/
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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alzl79/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
My doctor recently diagnosed me with Alzheimer's

Luckily I was able to go home and forget about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alzjuj/my_doctor_recently_diagnosed_me_with_alzheimers/
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Why was the restaurant server so heavy?

Because he is a weighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alzfyg/why_was_the_restaurant_server_so_heavy/
%
I got a free iPhoneX, $300 cash and a camera

Its like this gun has magic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alzewb/i_got_a_free_iphonex_300_cash_and_a_camera/
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This is your captain speaking.

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alz7eu/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
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A man is in court, when the judge asks, "On the 3rd of August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty." said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted, "You dirty rat!"
The judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise.
The judge continued, "And that also on the 17th of September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty." said the man in the dock.
Again, the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!"
At this point the judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"
He replied, "He is my next door neighbor."
The judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from anymore comments."
The man replied "No, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer and both times he said he didn't have one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alz5wq/a_man_is_in_court_when_the_judge_asks_on_the_3rd/
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Why did the feminist cross the road?

Dont be silly, there can't be a road from the kitchen to the bedroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alz57h/why_did_the_feminist_cross_the_road/
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A man left for work one Friday afternoon.

Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alz4ve/a_man_left_for_work_one_friday_afternoon/
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What do you call a midget psychic who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alz1rs/what_do_you_call_a_midget_psychic_who_escaped/
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What do you call a stinky lawyer?

Law and Odor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alyz8i/what_do_you_call_a_stinky_lawyer/
%
How do you make an insect trip?

Antacid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alyxsu/how_do_you_make_an_insect_trip/
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“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.

“And I love you tons.” I replied.
“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alywpp/i_love_you_loads_honey_pie_my_wife_said_earlier/
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IT guy: How’s the network?

Fisherman: The fish are bigger than the holes so they get trapped inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alywp5/it_guy_hows_the_network/
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Internet security tip - don’t use ‘beefstew’ as a password

It’s not stroganoff.
NOTE: Not my joke but from work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alyvmz/internet_security_tip_dont_use_beefstew_as_a/
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I was at an important job interview today and was asked,

“Are you on Facebook?”
“No I’m not” I replied.
“Are you on Twitter?”
“No”
“Instagram?”
“Nope”
“Look just put your fucking phone away, will you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alyqes/i_was_at_an_important_job_interview_today_and_was/
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A jungle explorer is captured by natives

and is brought before the tribal chief.
"Trespassing in our jungle is punishable by death." says the the chief, "We can kill you right now quickly and painlessly, or you can try and survive a test of courage and win your freedom."
"What's the test of courage?" Asks the explorer.
"You see those three huts over there?" Asks the chief. "Inside the first hut you will find a jug filled with a special elixir. It is a powerful hallucinogen that our tribe uses in our most sacred ceremonies, altering both body and mind. One jug is enough for the whole tribe, you need to drink the entire thing yourself."
"In the second hut is a savage tiger. It has rotten tooth, way in the back of it's mouth. The pain has made it ferocious beyond imagination. You need to go in there and extract the tooth."
"In the third hut you will find our fiercest Amazonian warrior. She's led up our last 6 campaigns and killed dozens of men. She is vicious and brutal. You need seduce her and have sex with her. If you can do all that we'll let you go."
Seeing no other choice the explorer reluctantly opens the door to the first hut. There in the middle of the room is a large jug. The explorer pops off the cork and the smell alone is enough to almost knock him out. With tears streaming from his eyes the explorer starts drinking. It goes down like fire, burning his throat and erupting in his gut. Before he's even halfway through he begins feeling the effects, his legs get wobbly, his vision blurs, shadows begin to dance along the walls. He chokes down the last drop and staggers back outside.
The chief catches him just as he's about to fall over, straightens him out, and pushes him into the second hut. The moment the door slams shut behind him the most horrific sounds begin emanating from the hut. It's difficult to know if they are being made by man or beast. After almost 10 minutes of nonstop howling and screaming and gnashing and tearing the hut falls silent. A moment later the door opens up and the explorer walks out.
The man is barely recognizable. He's covered in blood, his clothes hang in shredded tatters. He limps slowly up the chief and says...
"Ok, now where's this bitch with the toothache? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alyp1d/a_jungle_explorer_is_captured_by_natives/
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If I Had A Dollar Every Time Someone Over 40 Told Me My Generation Sucked...

Then I Could Afford A House In The Economy They Ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alyo8e/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_someone_over_40_told/
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As I watched my coworker crash her Cadillac into my boss’s car, I thought to myself

That Escaladed quickly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alym1j/as_i_watched_my_coworker_crash_her_cadillac_into/
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My wife made me some novelty tickets to exchange for sexy times.

Sadly she didn't make me any backstage passes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alyja4/my_wife_made_me_some_novelty_tickets_to_exchange/
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Two people are on a yacht

The man says: "what a beautiful yakt"
She replies: "the 'C' is silent"
He says: "yes, tranquil isn't it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alyiba/two_people_are_on_a_yacht/
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Recently got an antigravity book

I just can’t put it down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alyg99/recently_got_an_antigravity_book/
%
Why don't robots have any brothers?

They all have transisters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alyfd2/why_dont_robots_have_any_brothers/
%
A woman at grocery store proceeds to the check out...

She greet the male cashier with a friendly smile and starts placing her groceries on the belt.
She places on the belt a single banana, a single serve tinned soup, and a microwave meal for one.
The cashier scans her items, turns to the lady and says “So, single are you?”
The woman, blushing, and fluttering her eyelashes, replies “Oh, why yes I am.. how could you tell?”
Cashier replies “Because you’re fucking ugly”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alyemz/a_woman_at_grocery_store_proceeds_to_the_check_out/
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I hate it when people don't understand the difference between "your" and "you're."

Their so stupid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alyea0/i_hate_it_when_people_dont_understand_the/
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My daughter just broke my glasses.

I'm so mad I can't see straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alyb18/my_daughter_just_broke_my_glasses/
%
What do dark humor and food have in common?

Not everybody gets it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aly90y/what_do_dark_humor_and_food_have_in_common/
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Do you want to know the real reason I can’t be part of a threesome?

I can  only handle disappointing one person at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aly8im/do_you_want_to_know_the_real_reason_i_cant_be/
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aly7u3/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that he could win $1000...

He asks the bartender on how he could win. The bartender replies, “Well I got a horse out back - if you can make the horse laugh you win the money.”
The man goes out back and not even 5 minutes later he had the horse dying of laughter.  The bartender, being very confused, lived up to his promise and gave the man the money.
The man comes back the next day and sees the sign again and inquires. “Ok, this time you need to make the horse cry!”, says the bartender.
Sure enough the horse ends up crying like a little baby.  The bartender couldn’t believe what he was seeing but paid the man again.
On the third day the man came back for some more easy money and the bartender says, “Look I’m impressed that you were able to make the horse laugh and cry so before I give you another bet, what the hell did you do?”
The man smirked and said, “Well the first time I told the horse my cock was bigger than his and the second time I showed him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aly6w2/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign_that_he/
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Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds?

He’s the one that orca-strated the heist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aly6ae/why_did_the_killer_whale_go_to_jail_for_stealing/
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"There are dinosaur bones buried out back!", I told my kids.

It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aly3mk/there_are_dinosaur_bones_buried_out_back_i_told/
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What do The Lord of the Rings and Brokeback Mountain have in common?

They're both movies about going to a mountain to destroy someone's ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aly23c/what_do_the_lord_of_the_rings_and_brokeback/
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What do you get when cross hitler and a dolphin?

Adolphin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aly1j7/what_do_you_get_when_cross_hitler_and_a_dolphin/
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Someone asked me how I view Lesbian relationships.

Apparently, "in HD" wasn't the correct answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aly1bl/someone_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian_relationships/
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My grandpa was complaining about how participation trophies reward losing

So I asked him why he proudly displayed a Confederate Flag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aly0da/my_grandpa_was_complaining_about_how/
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I’m proud of this joke, please don’t judge my work too harshly.

There once was a man named Ish. He was a curious guy, always trying to find out new things. He decided to take a trip all around Europe.
He went to France, Germany, Belgium, Portugal, and eventually ended up smack dab in the middle of Spain. He, being the curious guy that he was, immediately found a local Spaniard, and started bombarding him with questions about the place. After about ten minutes of this, the man keels over, dead.
When the paramedics arrive, they announce that he died of a heart attack. Ish asks them, “Well what caused it? Did he have a heart condition?” “No”, they say. “It was caused by shock. You see,
Nobody expects the Spain Ish Inquisition.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alxzt8/im_proud_of_this_joke_please_dont_judge_my_work/
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1. Muhammad

2\. (Peace be upon him)
3\. Prophet????

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alxvn0/1_muhammad/
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Paddy drinking at the Irish pub

Patrick staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patrick sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.  He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed...In the morning, Patrick woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patrick said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?' Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alxq3w/paddy_drinking_at_the_irish_pub/
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I paid a prostitute to pretend to be my wife for twenty minutes.

She argued with me for ten minutes and then I left her for a pack of cigs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alxj87/i_paid_a_prostitute_to_pretend_to_be_my_wife_for/
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Today I told my girlfriend she draws her eyebrows to high...

She looked extremely surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alx8ig/today_i_told_my_girlfriend_she_draws_her_eyebrows/
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The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said “No”.

They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alx804/the_testicular_cancer_clinic_called_me_and_said/
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I quit my job at the helium factory

I didn't like to be talked to in that tone of voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alx5kr/i_quit_my_job_at_the_helium_factory/
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Guys think about sex every 7 seconds

That’s why I eat hot dogs in 6 seconds, so shit doesn’t get weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alx260/guys_think_about_sex_every_7_seconds/
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Two men walk up to a hole

One says to the other, "I wonder how deep this hole is" then picks up an anvil near them and throws it down the hole.
After about 20 seconds, the men hear a goat running behind them and it jumps in the hole. "Woah!" they both thought.
Then, a farmer walks up to them and asks them if they saw his goat. The first man says that it just jumped in the hole. Then the farmer said "Impossible! I tied him to my anvil!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alx0x9/two_men_walk_up_to_a_hole/
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What do cannibals eat when they’re broke?

Raw men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alx0hk/what_do_cannibals_eat_when_theyre_broke/
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What do you called ginger cut into cubes??

a Square Root.
... I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alx050/what_do_you_called_ginger_cut_into_cubes/
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times so......

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”.
She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
He agrees.
She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops his HUGE tallywhacker.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alwz37/harry_and_his_wife_are_having_hard_financial/
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Since it’s so cold, my Ex has been trying to hookup with me again.

Just as predicted it’s a polar whoretxt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alwtep/since_its_so_cold_my_ex_has_been_trying_to_hookup/
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You're in luck, we just got a job opening . . .

A guy walks into the local Welfare office, marches straight up to the counter to collect his check and says “Hi. Ya know, I just hate drawing Welfare. I’d much rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll drive her around in his Mercedes or his Rolls. You’ll be expected to escort his beautiful daughter on her overseas holiday trips, and you’ll have to satisfy all of her needs. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the starting salary is $200,000 a year”
The guy says, “You’re joking me!”
The social worker says, “Yeah, but you started it”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alwrei/youre_in_luck_we_just_got_a_job_opening/
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I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday.

I couldn't see any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alwoai/i_went_to_buy_an_invisible_man_comic_yesterday/
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Why did the dwarf get kicked out of the nudist colony?

He kept sticking his nose in everyone’s business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alwmr1/why_did_the_dwarf_get_kicked_out_of_the_nudist/
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A five-year-old and a four-year-old decide to start swearing...

A five-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the five-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you say "ass", okay?" The four-year-old agrees with great enthusiasm!
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five-year-old what he wants for breakfast, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
.....WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs bawling.
The mom looks at the four-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I'm not sure," he says, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alwmq6/a_fiveyearold_and_a_fouryearold_decide_to_start/
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I'd tell you a joke.about the fear of navigational errors

But I'm afraid it'd be lost on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alwjoh/id_tell_you_a_jokeabout_the_fear_of_navigational/
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Job Opportunity for Flat Earthers

Because of the recent Arctic cold snap. Delta Airlines has been hiring de-icers in their Atlanta hub for the expected crowds at SuperBowl.  Most of the jobs have been going to Flat Earthers, because by definition, they don't believe in *Global* Warming but are fine with Plane Warming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alwh9n/job_opportunity_for_flat_earthers/
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Two ladies in heaven

1st woman: Hi Wanda!
2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So then what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.  We'd both still be alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alwbs2/two_ladies_in_heaven/
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On a recent safari, I saw two male lions having sex with each other out in the open.

I thought, “Have they got no pride?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alwbcj/on_a_recent_safari_i_saw_two_male_lions_having/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur ?

Lick-a-lot-a-puss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alw4tb/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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Blonde and a Brunette

were talking, brunette says "sigh, my husband gave me flowers last night, and you know...... its legs up in the air".
Blonde says, " what? don't you have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alw0go/blonde_and_a_brunette/
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A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alvxg0/a_man_was_very_sick_doctors_feared_the_worst_he/
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Last year my girlfriend made me make a swear jar, every time I swear I have to put $1 in and after 12 months it goes to charity. Today I opened it up and said out loud ‘Blooming heck, there’s no gosh darn money in here.’

‘Cause I’m a fucking tight arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alvwg1/last_year_my_girlfriend_made_me_make_a_swear_jar/
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Two friends had just finished fishing...

...and were rowing their boat back to the docks. When they arrived, the first friend got out and started to tether the boat to the nearest wooden pole. As he was doing so, he noticed that the rope was well-worn and had the potential to snap any moment. For the time being, he decided to tie up the boat and handle it later. The second friend got out of the boat and, seeing how dangerously the boat was tied, asked the first friend: "Will that...thing hold?"
The first friend shook his head, pointing to where the rope was tied. "A frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alvvh4/two_friends_had_just_finished_fishing/
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I physically force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials,

just to show him how good he has it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alvtyr/i_physically_force_my_dog_to_watch_animal_abuse/
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I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alvs3n/im_pleased_to_announce_reddit_has_achieved_its/
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What do stars and false teeth have in common?

They both come out at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alvo8u/what_do_stars_and_false_teeth_have_in_common/
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What do you get when 2 leftists get together?

3 political parties: one Communist, one Socialist, and a third founded in an attempt to merge the first two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alvkyv/what_do_you_get_when_2_leftists_get_together/
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Why won't round earthers ever agree with flat earthers?

They're just not on the same level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alvjoh/why_wont_round_earthers_ever_agree_with_flat/
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A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All of the firemen struggled but were unable to fight off the flames. The owner getting more desperate up the reward to 150000 $. Still no one is able to fight back the flames. Then out of no where an old beat up fire truck comes out of no where. It's composed of a bunch of Italian old timers in their 60's. To everyone's amazement they drive right into the inferno and start fighting off the flames. In a short while the flames are extinguished and the bring the recipe to the owner. The owner decides to up the reward to 200000 $ for their bravery. The fire department gets interviewed by the local news. They ask them what the first they are going to do with the money. The chief said the first thing I'm gonna do is the fucking breaks on that damn truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alvj5z/a_famous_sausage_factor_gets_set_on_fire/
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A man who's had a few too many

A man is out drinking most of the day and next thing he knows the night has really gotten away from him.   He's so loaded he ends up puking on his shirt.   He is telling the bartender that he doesn't know how he's going to tell his wife that he let himself get that drunk.   The bartender tells him to tuck a 10 dollar bill in his shirt pocket, then just tell your wife that somebody bumped into him and barfed on him.   The stranger gave you $10 to cover the dry cleaning cost.   The man figured this is a great idea and off he goes back home.
When he shows up at home he wakes his wife while trying to get undressed.   She's mad and saying why do you stink so bad, you're soaked!
He explains that the stranger bumped into him and gave him $10 to cover the dry cleaning.  Well why is there a 20 in your shirt then? She asked.
He replies "The asshole shit in my pants too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alviwr/a_man_whos_had_a_few_too_many/
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Not all black people have huge dicks

Just the guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alvc45/not_all_black_people_have_huge_dicks/
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I was really happy when I discovered a word with all five vowels.

It was euphoria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aluyfr/i_was_really_happy_when_i_discovered_a_word_with/
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Dark humor is like kids with cancer.

It never gets old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aluwqp/dark_humor_is_like_kids_with_cancer/
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My trailer park party went off without a hitch

No one showed up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alut1w/my_trailer_park_party_went_off_without_a_hitch/
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Why you only hear about the Florida man and not the Alabama man.

No one likes to write those news about family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alus0i/why_you_only_hear_about_the_florida_man_and_not/
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Our town's male strip club has employed a lot of poorly endowed men.

Ironically, they aren't short staffed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alujlp/our_towns_male_strip_club_has_employed_a_lot_of/
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It's almost impossible to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

Since they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alui20/its_almost_impossible_to_explain_puns_to/
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Hitler' bodyguard was guarding his bedroom door.

A guy walks up to him and asks, "How do you like being Hitler's bodyguard?". The bodyguard replies, "It's okay, but I am starting to have second thoughts. The guy says, "Why is that?". The bodyguard responds, "Well all these time travelers from the future keep coming back to try to kill him".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alugvx/hitler_bodyguard_was_guarding_his_bedroom_door/
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what do global warming and Barack Obama have in common?

Trump likes to pretend they don't exist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aludzt/what_do_global_warming_and_barack_obama_have_in/
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Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)

Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to spend those 666 years. And so the Devil let the men to three doors.
Going through the first door, they entered what looked to be a normal bar. Although, if you were there for more than an hour, you would notice that no matter how much you tried to drink another bottle would appear on the shelf. And even better, the bar always had the exact drink you wanted available.  An unlimited supply of every alcoholic beverage in existence. It was, in short, a drunkard's paradise.
When they entered the second door, they were greeted by a myriad of women all ready to satisfy every sexual desire they could possible have. There were multiple women of every shape, size and ethnicity imaginable. Looking closer you would notice that there were even celebrity and work crushes from your life in the crowd. Every single one of them ready  to please you. It was, in short, a pervert's paradise
Finally, when they entered the third door, they found themselves in a forest made of cannabis. The ground was made of kief, all the bushes wore beatiful buds and even the trees were 20 feet tall cannabis plants. There were every strain it has or ever will be possible to grow. You could even find rocks of hashish laying around the forest floor if you looked closely. It was, in short, a stoner's paradise.
The Devil asked the men which room they each wanted. The words had barely left the Devil's mouth before the first man ran directly to the room with a myriad of women. The second man then went to the room with the bar, thinking that if he was going to spend 666 years in hell, he might as well be drunk for most of it. Lastly, the third man, thinking he had won the lottery, gladly went towards the room with the forest of cannabis.
666 years later, the Devil returned to see if the men had atoned for their sins.
When he opened the first door, bottles slowly rolled out and you could immediately smell piss and puke coming from the room. It took the Devil a while, but he finally found the man nestled between the bottles, smeared in his own shit and puke, and with arguably the worst hangover in history. The Devil agreed it was punishment enough and let him out.
When he opened the second door, he was overwhelmed with the sound of hundreds of crying children and angry women. Not ten seconds after the door opened, the man came running, pleading for the Devil to please let him out. There were kids of every age running around screaming and all the women were angry at each other, while everyone, children and mothers alike, were angry at the man. The Devil agreed it was punishment enough and let him out.
When the Devil opened the third door, he immediately saw the man sitting cross legged in a giant pool of his own tears. The Devil had not expected this. Confused, he went to ask the man what was wrong. The man, tears still running down his face, looked up at the Devil and said:
"I don't have a lighter"
Sneak note: ITT a lot of people who wants to ruin the joke :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alub04/stoner_joke_three_men_died_and_went_to_hell_where/
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3 men are walking through the desert when they stumble across a lamp. They dust it off and a Genie pops out, the genie says "I will grant each of you 3 wishes!"

The first man says "I wish for a million dollars!" "Alright" says the Genie and just like that a million dollars appears at the man's feet.
The second man says "I wish for unlimited money" "Alright" says the Genie "Check your bank account" The man checks on his phone and sure enough there's an infinity sign on his bank balance.
The third man says "I want my right arm to rotate clockwise until the day I die" "Urm, ok?" says the genie, and just like that the man's arm starts rotating clockwise. "Now, it's time for your second wish."
The first man says "I wish for a beautiful wife" The Genie snaps his fingers and just like that, a beautiful woman appears at the man's side.
The second man says "I want to be confident, and charismatic so I can get any woman I want" "OK" says the genie, and the man starts to feel much more confident in himself, he could get anyone.
The third man says "I want my left arm to rotate anti-clockwise until the day I die" The genie is confused but grants his wish none-the-less and the man's left arm begins rotating anticlockwise. "Now for your final wishes."
The first man says "I never want to be ill for the rest of my life!" "Ok" says the Genie "You will be healthy until the day you die."
The second man says "I want to be immortal" "You will live forever!" says the Genie
The third man says "I want my head to nod up and down for the rest of my life" The Genie sighs, but grants the man's final wish and his head begins to nod up and down.
Years later, the first two men are in a bar catching up. The first man says "Life is great! I invested my million dollars and now have twenty! My wife is still beautiful and I'm never going to be ill a day in my life!" "That's nice" replies the second man "I've been with hundreds of women way more beautiful than your wife, I've donated billions to charity with my unlimited money and can continue to live a life of luxury forever because i'm immortal."
At this point, the third man walks in, head bobbing up and down, arms swinging like a maniac and he says "Guys, I think I fucked up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aluapi/3_men_are_walking_through_the_desert_when_they/
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This guy came at me with a bottle of milk.

How dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aluaiw/this_guy_came_at_me_with_a_bottle_of_milk/
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A man is applying for a job in a circus

The interviewer asks: "So what can you do?"
"I can do a really good bird impression" replied the man
"Oh we already have people who do that here, we won't be needing you for that"
"Oh well," the man said sadly and flew away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aluad0/a_man_is_applying_for_a_job_in_a_circus/
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I used to like Mitch Hedberg

I still do, but I used to too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alu0fu/i_used_to_like_mitch_hedberg/
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Why are the top porn searches always for "Teen" and "MILF" age groups?

Because millennials are sick of watching each other get fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/altx33/why_are_the_top_porn_searches_always_for_teen_and/
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What is a Mexican's favorite sport?

Cross Country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/altvtb/what_is_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
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Bush, Marcos, and Idi Amin all died and went to hell.

While in hell, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Marcos ask to call Manila and talks for 5 minutes.
When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost of calling to Earth is a million dollars, so Marcos writes him a cheque.
Next, Idi Amin calls Uganda and talks for 30 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so he writes him a cheque.
Finally Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Idi Amin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil, why Bush only have to pay $5 to call
The devil smiles and replies: “Since Trump took over, US has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/altslr/bush_marcos_and_idi_amin_all_died_and_went_to_hell/
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I asked the TSA how often they find suspicious items in luggage

they said it's case by case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alts42/i_asked_the_tsa_how_often_they_find_suspicious/
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A man has a pain in his elbow

His friend tells him about a new machine at the drug store. His friend says "You pay $10, give a urine sample and it'll diagnose you better than any doctor could." So the guy goes to the store, pays his money and gives in the sample. After about 2 minutes a receipt prints out that reads "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting."
The man decides he wants to try and trick the machine, so the next day he gets a urine sample from his wife and daughter, a stool sample from his dog, and then masturbates into it. He goes to the store, pays his money and gives in the sample. After a little longer wait, and receipt prints out that reads:
"Your daughter is on cocaine, put her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. Your dog has ringworm, get him to the vet, and if you dont stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/altpww/a_man_has_a_pain_in_his_elbow/
%
“I’m sure my wife won’t like this”

While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/altm7n/im_sure_my_wife_wont_like_this/
%
Hippopotamuses are seemingly unconcerned about the effects of climate change on their habitat

It's as if they lived in de Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alti83/hippopotamuses_are_seemingly_unconcerned_about/
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God is Watching.....

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large tray of pizza slices.
The nun posted a sign on the pizza tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the pizza."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/altg8o/god_is_watching/
%
It suddenly occurred to me....

...I've never had an epiphany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/altelt/it_suddenly_occurred_to_me/
%
What does a constipated mathematician do?

He works it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/altdwj/what_does_a_constipated_mathematician_do/
%
Three men were applying for immigrant status in America...

The immigration officer asked them what they knew about American culture and traditions, but they were all silent.  So he asked what Easter is.
Man #1: "Easter is when a fat man in a red suit visits all the boys and girls, and gives them presents".
"Wrong answer, that's Christmas."
Man #2:  "I think Easter is when all the children dress up in scary costumes and knock on their neighbor's door, asking for candy."
"Nope, that's Halloween."
Man #3:  "I know what Easter is!  Easter is an important day in the Christian calendar.  It commemorates the death of Jesus, who died for the sins of people so that they might enter heaven."
"You're right!"
"Jesus was crucified and died, and buried in a cave.  After three days, Jesus returned from the dead and walked out of the cave."
"Absolutely correct!"
"But when Jesus came out of the cave, he saw his shadow and ran back inside.  Then there was six more weeks of winter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/altcys/three_men_were_applying_for_immigrant_status_in/
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I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule

It’s science.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alt7ru/im_a_hardcore_believer_in_the_i_before_e_except/
%
Okay let's try this again. Here's a GREAT joke about a carriage that I heard a while back.

Yesterday I saw a horse-drawn carriage. The proportions were a bit off but the shading and linework were quite remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alt5lb/okay_lets_try_this_again_heres_a_great_joke_about/
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What do you call the Mental Health class at Hogwarts?

Defence against the Dark Thoughts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alt302/what_do_you_call_the_mental_health_class_at/
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So I live next to a prison...

One morning I awoke to the sight of a little person breaking out of said prison, hastily climbing down the fence to freedom.
Sipping my coffee I thought to myself "*Well that's a little condescending".*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alsz6u/so_i_live_next_to_a_prison/
%
I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alswil/i_saw_a_guy_at_the_flower_store_he_was_trying_to/
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Couldn't find a ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning, I unleashed the macgyver in me and improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet.

I could only get 5% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alswar/couldnt_find_a_ice_scraper_for_the_car_windscreen/
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What Syntax do British Programmers Always Use in Python?

\_\_init\_\_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alsvda/what_syntax_do_british_programmers_always_use_in/
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Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?

His name was Only One Cannoli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alsosl/did_you_know_there_was_a_jedi_from_italy_who_was/
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I've been sitting, drinking and thinking.

Everything in the universe is made of whisky or not made of whisky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alsker/ive_been_sitting_drinking_and_thinking/
%
My wife suggested for sex we do something from a song...

Her friend Eileen wasnt to happy about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alsd8k/my_wife_suggested_for_sex_we_do_something_from_a/
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Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?

Johnny: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: Excuse me?
Johnny: Yesterday, you said it's H to O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/als5cs/teacher_what_is_the_chemical_formula_for_water/
%
As we stood outside her front door, she kissed me and whispered, "Do you want to stay here tonight?"

"No," I replied, and went home.
Why would I want to stand outside her front door all night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/als3pi/as_we_stood_outside_her_front_door_she_kissed_me/
%
There was once a fish in the stream who was looking up at a fly...

...the fish thought, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches, I would have myself a nice meal.”
Meanwhile, there is a bear sitting behind a tree, looking at the fish who was looking at the fly. The bear is thinking, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches and that fish goes up to get it, I’ll go grab that fish and have me a nice meal.”
Meanwhile, there is a hunter holding a sandwich and hiding behind a tree and he is looking at the bear who is looking at the fish who is looking at the fly. The hunter thinks, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches and that fish goes up to get it and that bear goes for the fish, I will shoot the bear and have me a nice meal.” Meanwhile, there is a small mouse who has his eyes on the sandwich the hunter is holding. He sees the hunter looking at the bear who is looking at the fish who is looking at the fly. The mouse thinks, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches, and the fish goes up to get and the bear goes for the fish and the hunter shoots the bear, he’ll drop that sandwich and I will go for it and have me a nice meal.”
Meanwhile, there is a cat standing above the mouse and he sees the mouse looking at the hunter who is looking at the bear who is looking at the fish who is looking at the fly. The cat is thinking, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches, and that fish goes up to get it and the bear goes for the fish and hunter shoots the bear and drops his sandwich and the mouse goes for the sandwich I will jump on the mouse and have me a nice meal.”
Then, the fly drops 6 inches and the fish goes up and snaps it, the bear runs into the water and catches the fish, the hunter drops his sandwich and shoots the bear, the mouse runs and takes the sandwich, the cat pounces on the mouse and misses and lands in the water.
The moral of the story: whenever a fly drops 6 inches there’s a pussy getting wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alryh0/there_was_once_a_fish_in_the_stream_who_was/
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What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrxua/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
%
What’s the difference between Snowmen and Snow-women?

....Snow balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrtnt/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
%
In what city do bad kids get iron instead of coal for Christmas?

Santa Fe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrt7x/in_what_city_do_bad_kids_get_iron_instead_of_coal/
%
My great grandfather saw The Titanic and he warned everyone it would sink, but they all ignored him Time and time again he warned them

until they threw him out of the movie theater﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrsm4/my_great_grandfather_saw_the_titanic_and_he/
%
A woman was sitting at a bar when she noticed a man sitting across from her who seemed to be staring.

After a while, the bartender says to her, "The man across the bar wants to know what it'll take to get in your pants tonight. The woman slyly responds, "Tell him he has to have a six figure salary, at least 2 vacation homes, and a 10 inch dick." The bartender walks over to the man and begins to tell him her demands. At first he seemed hopeful, but then became sad, said something to the bartender, paid his tab, and left the bar. The bartender returned to the woman and she asked him what the man had said. The bartender replied, "He said he made 2 million a year, and owned 5 vacation homes, but he wasn't willing to cut his dick in half for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrsda/a_woman_was_sitting_at_a_bar_when_she_noticed_a/
%
The bigger the feet, the bigger the penis. The bigger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.

I guess this explains why everyone's so afraid of clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrrr5/the_bigger_the_feet_the_bigger_the_penis_the/
%
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish

The results speak for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrrd2/scientists_have_grown_human_vocal_cords_in_a/
%
I was walking to class and a guy in front of me dropped $10. I ran and picked it up and having. Just got out of bible studies I asked myself “What Would Jesus Do?”

So I turned it into wine... well... I bought some wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrqz3/i_was_walking_to_class_and_a_guy_in_front_of_me/
%
Why did the mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrprd/why_did_the_mexican_push_his_wife_off_the_cliff/
%
I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”
“Fine,” I said. “Then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!”
“You crafty bastard,” replied the fairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrpcf/i_met_a_magical_fairy_yesterday_who_said_she/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrnu6/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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A British woman was touring the United States, and decided to go to a baseball game

She didn't understand the rules, but figured she could learn them by watching everyone else.
In the first inning, a batter hit a grounder and started running to first base.  The man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"
A couple of innings later, another batter hit a grounder and started running to first.  Sure enough, the man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"
The next batter drew a walk, and started trotting toward first.  The woman jumped up and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"
The man next to her said, "Lady, he doesn't have to run.  He's got four balls."
The woman shouted, "Walk, then.  But walk with pride!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrney/a_british_woman_was_touring_the_united_states_and/
%
A shepherd tells his dog to go count the sheep...

So the dog goes out, comes back a little later.  Shepherd says: “How many sheep you count out there?”
Dog says: “40”.
Shepherd says: “That’s not possible, I only had 38 to begin with!”.
And the dog goes: “Yeah but I rounded them up”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrlxl/a_shepherd_tells_his_dog_to_go_count_the_sheep/
%
What does an organ stealing bandit say?

Stand and de-liver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrggy/what_does_an_organ_stealing_bandit_say/
%
I was walking through the cemetery earlier and saw a guy crouched behind a tombstone..

I said morning! As I walked past
He said no, I'm just having a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alrfq2/i_was_walking_through_the_cemetery_earlier_and/
%
My roommate couldn’t remember whether he took his anti anxiety medication or not.

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alr8ol/my_roommate_couldnt_remember_whether_he_took_his/
%
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alr6w0/the_only_two_white_actors_in_black_panther_are/
%
I don't know what an abusive relationship means

beats me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alr6ac/i_dont_know_what_an_abusive_relationship_means/
%
How do you call a russian tree?

Dimitree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alr5rd/how_do_you_call_a_russian_tree/
%
A drunk guy gets pulled over

and the cop said, "May I see your license, please?" The guy said, "You people need to get a grip. One day you take it away from me and the next day you ask to see it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alr47t/a_drunk_guy_gets_pulled_over/
%
It was so cold last night that I had to cut open my tauntaun to sleep.

Unfortunately that only got me luke warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alr1ex/it_was_so_cold_last_night_that_i_had_to_cut_open/
%
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alqzze/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_got_stepped_on/
%
A man approached what was certainly a bad vehicle accident.

It seemed that a bus had been hit by a truck belonging to a major company. Strewn about on the ground were a dozen bus passengers. The man asked one of the passengers, “Has anybody from the insurance company been here yet?” The passenger shook his head from side to side. The man continued, “Good, then you won’t mind if I lie down here next to you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alqzx6/a_man_approached_what_was_certainly_a_bad_vehicle/
%
Got mugged by 6 dwarves last night.

Not Happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alqy1r/got_mugged_by_6_dwarves_last_night/
%
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alqx20/yesterday_my_daughter_was_playing_in_the_garden/
%
If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alqwrl/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_didnt_understand/
%
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail.

He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him: 'That's a girl's name!' Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alqw3u/you_meet_a_man_on_the_oregon_trail/
%
A doctor visit

I go to the doctor. He asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time. I go home. Still don’t know why I’m shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alquco/a_doctor_visit/
%
There was this homeless man named Arty

, always down on his luck, would do anything for a dollar.
One day a rich man came up to Arty and said he needed his business partner killed and would pay Arty a dollar for the trouble. He informed Arty that this business partner always shopped at the Coles supermarket down the road every Friday night and that would be the best place for this to take place.
Friday night rolls around and Arty makes his way to Coles. He spots the target in the freezer section down the back of the shop. Now Arty realises he didn't quite think this through and forgot to bring a weapon, so quick as a flash he rushes up behind his target and strangles him to death. Thinking he got away with it he looks up to see a cleaner who saw everything. Without skipping a beat Arty leaps up and strangles the cleaner too. Just then an old lady appears from one of the isles. Arty strangles her too, wanting to leave no witnesses. He then quickly makes his escape from the store.
It wasn't long before the police caught up with Arty and threw him behind bars.
The newspaper headline the following morning was "Arty chokes 3 for a dollar at Coles".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alqn7o/there_was_this_homeless_man_named_arty/
%
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"
He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."
(True story)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alqmkd/my_coworker_jim_sits_next_to_another_coworker/
%
Guy: Meet my girlfriend. Mom: You deserve better don't settle for this. Guy: But mom I love..

Mom: I am talking to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alql9d/guy_meet_my_girlfriend_mom_you_deserve_better/
%
The Swedish Navy started painting barcodes in the side of their ships.

That way when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alqfwr/the_swedish_navy_started_painting_barcodes_in_the/
%
Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim.

The doctors thought the child wouldn’t make it, but miraculously, it survived and was born normally. In recognition of this miracle, the parents named their child “Life”. Now, Life had a beautiful first year alive, laughing and smiling. However, on his first birthday, a man with a chainsaw burst into the house and cut Life in half. The parents were terrified and miserable, but somehow, Life grew another half and the half that was cut off ran away, perfectly alive and intact. On Life’s second birthday, the same man burst through the door to their house and again sawed Life in half. However, Life survived again, growing another half and having his old half run away. Almost a year passes, and it’s the eve of Life’s 3rd birthday. The mother, suspecting what might occur, asks the father what would happen tomorrow. The father replies “Half Life 3 confirmed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alqf8c/once_a_family_was_having_a_child_but_the/
%
Guy Takes His Blonde Girlfriend To Her First Football Game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alqdpq/guy_takes_his_blonde_girlfriend_to_her_first/
%
I told my dad I was going for an eye test today

He texted me afterwards asking "How did it go?"
Two hours later I replied, "Sorry, I didn't see your message."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alqckw/i_told_my_dad_i_was_going_for_an_eye_test_today/
%
They say it's colder than a Witches tit out..

So I touched my wife's tit, can confirm colder outside, but not by much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alqaxy/they_say_its_colder_than_a_witches_tit_out/
%
Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.
Wife: And when does that part come?
Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alq9n4/wife_harry_what_the_heck_i_thought_you_were/
%
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alq4xh/a_married_couple_went_to_the_hospital_to_have/
%
Come and sit on my face.

I don't know if this is common response and if everyone else has heard it but it was the first time I heard it and couldn't stop laughing.
This was real situation and not a joke. Man and a woman started arguing outside my store I am not sure over what. Parking space most likely. As the argument got heated the man yells at the woman, "come and sit on my face, bitch."  This is where I thought this should be stopped but woman's respond had me laughing out loud.
"Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alq28t/come_and_sit_on_my_face/
%
Dads are like boomerangs

Because it’s probably your fault it didn’t come back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alq0dy/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
Don’t use double negatives.

They’re a big no no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alpzuw/dont_use_double_negatives/
%
If a woman sleeps with many men shes a slut...

If a man does the same he's a homosexual. When will the double standards end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alpwlq/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_many_men_shes_a_slut/
%
Sex is like Pizza

When it's good it's great and when it's bad it's still alright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alpwf5/sex_is_like_pizza/
%
Whats Beethoven doing in his grave?

Decomposing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alpw3o/whats_beethoven_doing_in_his_grave/
%
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.

Those damn mooselimbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alptvf/in_canada_you_are_more_likely_to_die_of_a_moose/
%
When my brother got sent to jail

, he didn't take it well at all!
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared his own shit up the walls!
After that, we never played Monopoly again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alpqu1/when_my_brother_got_sent_to_jail/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alpq6f/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today...

In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:
\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?
\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.
\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!
\- Ah, this must be outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alpos3/russian_man_is_watching_weather_forecast_on_tv/
%
The Russian winter...

...helped the Russian people defeat Hitler during WW2 and Napoleon before him. This year it invaded the USA on its own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alpok1/the_russian_winter/
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Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater.

The script clearly said ‘Enter Juliet from behind’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alpk4c/just_been_arrested_by_the_police_after_recently/
%
People say sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you.

Unless  you live in Skyrim where words can kill you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alph8v/people_say_sticks_and_stones_may_break_your_bones/
%
So my brother's girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!

So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alpg4i/so_my_brothers_girlfriend_was_recently_diagnosed/
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College life for introverts

1st year - People are so good to me. I feel I am respected a lot! Friends are bliss!
2nd year - People are distancing from me. I guess they don't like me. I've to find new people I suppose.
3rd year - Should I change my attitude to get friends? I don't know why I get cheated everytime I trust someone.
4th year - Who needs friends? People are useless. Solitude is the best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alpevt/college_life_for_introverts/
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What do you call a fish that lives in the greatest depths of the ocean?

Mega-low-don.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alpb06/what_do_you_call_a_fish_that_lives_in_the/
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“Your mother cooks socks in hell.”

~The Dyslexorcist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alp088/your_mother_cooks_socks_in_hell/
%
Why is milk the fastest liquid?

Because its pasteurised before you see it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alozqe/why_is_milk_the_fastest_liquid/
%
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alozej/an_mit_linguistics_professor_was_lecturing_his/
%
Did you hear the joke about fencing?

It's just a riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aloy5j/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_fencing/
%
Just got a new tank for my fish...

Unfortunately none of them could drive it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alovye/just_got_a_new_tank_for_my_fish/
%
I’ve written a sitcom about a family who sell Islamic headdresses.

It’s called Bob’s Burqas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alouo2/ive_written_a_sitcom_about_a_family_who_sell/
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Every morning, I stay in bed until I've watched Toy Story all the way through from start to finish.

That way I always wake up with a morning Woody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alotmj/every_morning_i_stay_in_bed_until_ive_watched_toy/
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I founded John Lennon Television, and now we’re the second biggest subscription TV service in the UK.

Above us, only Sky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alotgq/i_founded_john_lennon_television_and_now_were_the/
%
Me to the Pet Store Attendant: "Do you have any chameleons?"

Pet Shop Attendant: "I have no idea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alosyx/me_to_the_pet_store_attendant_do_you_have_any/
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Do you know what the internal temperature of a tauntaun is?

Luke warm
Seemed appropriate with all the Hoth stuff floating around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alorbq/do_you_know_what_the_internal_temperature_of_a/
%
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aloq66/my_girlfriend_borrowed_100_from_me_after_3_years/
%
What type of crime do monks commit?

Premeditated murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alopt9/what_type_of_crime_do_monks_commit/
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Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest.

Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alonhh/only_seven_people_die_as_temperatures_as_low_as/
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What instrument does Darth Vader play?

The rebel bass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alolfw/what_instrument_does_darth_vader_play/
%
Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alohuq/once_upon_a_time_in_the_magical_fantasy_kingdom/
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My opiate addicted friend made claims that he is the "dumbest smart person you'll meet"

He's a real oxy moron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alod3c/my_opiate_addicted_friend_made_claims_that_he_is/
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After once again being unable to pay my bill, the water company sent me a card this morning.

Get Well Soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aloc7g/after_once_again_being_unable_to_pay_my_bill_the/
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[DARK HUMOR] What's the difference between a door and a 9 year old?

The way you go in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alo8oi/dark_humor_whats_the_difference_between_a_door/
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Why did Waldo travel the world?

To find himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alo8kq/why_did_waldo_travel_the_world/
%
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alo844/vladimir_putin_has_boasted_that_russia_is/
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Have you heard about Sting's new business?

He now reposesesses cars in Arizona and lines them up in desert rows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alo7wv/have_you_heard_about_stings_new_business/
%
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alo7pf/my_wife_was_surprised_to_hear_that_i_actually/
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Funny joke, I think.

A robber who had no arms tried to rob me, good thing he was unarmed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alo5du/funny_joke_i_think/
%
God and it's Presidents

God recently was looking for humble person, who in an unselfish way with great self-knowledge could help God on Earth make America great again.
Bush, Obama and Trump was invited and went for the job interview with God
God asks Bush: “What do you believe in?” Bush answers: “I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!” “Very well”, says God. “Come sit to my right.”
Next, God asks Obama: “What do you believe in?” Obama answers: “I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all.” “Good”, says God. “You shall sit to my left.”
Finally, God asks Trump: “What do you believe in?”
Trump answers: “I believe you’re sitting in my chair.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alo58j/god_and_its_presidents/
%
What’s the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani school?

I don’t know I only fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alo4yh/whats_the_difference_between_a_taliban_outpost/
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Old friends

Steven and Mike are two old friends in their seventies. They are sitting on bench in a public park on beautiful summer afternoon.
A food cart passes by.
Steven: “Would you like us to get ice cream like we used to when we were kids?”
Mike: “Of course! I’m buying. What flavors do you want?”
Steven: “I’ll have chocolate and vanilla. What about you?”
Mike: “I’ll have my childhood favorite: strawberry & pistachio”
Steven: “Now remember what the doctor said about us having early signs of Alzeimer’s. So, I suggest you make a note of the flavors we want »
Mike: « Are you kidding Steve?! The food cart is barely twenty feet away from us. How can I forget that you want chocolate & vanilla and I‘m getting strawberry & pistachio?! »
Mike walks to the food cart, talks to the vendor and comes back with two hot dogs.
Steven stares at his friend shaking his head and says: «You see, I was right to tell you to make a note; you forgot the ketchup and the mustard! »

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alo47n/old_friends/
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What do they call the aftermath of a successful boob job?

A chestnut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alo0s2/what_do_they_call_the_aftermath_of_a_successful/
%
An electron is driving really fast...

...when a cop pulls it over.
"Do you even know how fast you were going there?" Asks the cop.
"Of course," replies the electron, "I knew exactly how fast I was going. But I thought this was the highway!"
"The highway?" The cop asks, shocked. "Do you even know where you are?"
The electron thinks for a moment and says, "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alo0a8/an_electron_is_driving_really_fast/
%
What happens to evil rabbits?

They carrot in hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alnnmn/what_happens_to_evil_rabbits/
%
What’s the difference between a gang and the government?

Only one is organized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alnm36/whats_the_difference_between_a_gang_and_the/
%
I was at the bank yesterday, when an old lady asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alnfkp/i_was_at_the_bank_yesterday_when_an_old_lady/
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Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day

Push a man *off* the plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alneut/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_hell_fly_for_a_day/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alnbvy/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
%
Jill broke her finger today

but on the other hand she was completely fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aln1oq/jill_broke_her_finger_today/
%
A lady goes to the doctor...

The doctor uses a stethoscope to measure the heartbeat of the lady and immediately discovered something strange.
Doctor: I'm sorry to say this but it's fatal and you do not have long to live
Lady: How long?
Doctor: Ten
Lady: Ten? Ten what?!
Doctor: Nine...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/almzbs/a_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
My son came home and said "I got the Zucker Award today at school!"

I said, "What's that?"
He said, "A big building with teachers and kids in it, dad, but that's not important right now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/almyvg/my_son_came_home_and_said_i_got_the_zucker_award/
%
My grandpa always said that if you kill a killer, the amount in the world stays the same...

That's why I killed 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/almye5/my_grandpa_always_said_that_if_you_kill_a_killer/
%
A cop pulled a man over and said, “sir, your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking?”

The man replied, “officer, your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/almyco/a_cop_pulled_a_man_over_and_said_sir_your_eyes/
%
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/almiue/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
%
I had a vasectomy so I won't have kids

But when I got home, they were still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/almhso/i_had_a_vasectomy_so_i_wont_have_kids/
%
Told my wife I got a vasectomy and she said "Are you serious?"

Yup - I'm not kidding you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/almhet/told_my_wife_i_got_a_vasectomy_and_she_said_are/
%
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/almgtt/my_girlfriend_yelled_at_me_today_saying_you/
%
What’s the difference between the scrotum and the prostate?

I don’t remember exactly, but I’m pretty sure there’s a vas deferens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/almggb/whats_the_difference_between_the_scrotum_and_the/
%
Why did the farmer fall down the well?

He did not see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/almg93/why_did_the_farmer_fall_down_the_well/
%
How does a robot eat it's guacamole?

Microchips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alme69/how_does_a_robot_eat_its_guacamole/
%
Is "Schrodinger's Cat" meme dead or alive?

I'm afraid to look.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alm7t5/is_schrodingers_cat_meme_dead_or_alive/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar...

Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first asks for some H2O, the second asks for H2O too.
The bartender, not being a fucking idiot to kill his customer, gives them both water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alm5z1/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Did you know that non vaxxed kids had super abilities?

Their bodies are way more sensible to environmental exposure, and they can hear a sneeze from miles away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alm4dt/did_you_know_that_non_vaxxed_kids_had_super/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did

..not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alm44t/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.
But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escaped to Europe with his lover.
But the Indian man was relentless and managed to track down the lover, and took her family hostage.
He would kill them if she did not deliver Robert and the gene to him.
They decided to meet up to make the deal. On reaching the place, the lover told him Robert was tied up in the trunk of the car she had come in, and the gene was in a suitcase in the drivers seat. But the Indian didn't believe her.
He said, "Before I release your parents, deer
Show Bob and v gene"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alm43b/an_indian_scientist_was_collaborating_with_an/
%
It’s always nice to wake up to a blowjob in the morning

Unless you are in prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alm0p8/its_always_nice_to_wake_up_to_a_blowjob_in_the/
%
Saggy boobs

What did one saggy boob say to the other ?
We better get support or else they'll think we're nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/allzh9/saggy_boobs/
%
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder

so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/allm76/i_always_keep_a_gun_on_my_night_stand_in_case_of/
%
My girlfriend is breaking up with me because I keep making terrible Linkin Park jokes,

What I’ve done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/allhip/my_girlfriend_is_breaking_up_with_me_because_i/
%
A little boy walks in on his parents having sex.

The dad later explained to the boy that they were making a baby. The boy thought for a moment and said, “Can you do doggy style? I want a puppy instead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alldoo/a_little_boy_walks_in_on_his_parents_having_sex/
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When someone tells me to stop acting like a flamingo

That’s when I put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/allczk/when_someone_tells_me_to_stop_acting_like_a/
%
I'm tired of people asking me where I see myself in a year

I don't have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/allc6w/im_tired_of_people_asking_me_where_i_see_myself/
%
The first French fry wasn’t cooked in France.

It was cooked in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/all8zp/the_first_french_fry_wasnt_cooked_in_france/
%
Only 2010s kids will get this.

Measles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/all86g/only_2010s_kids_will_get_this/
%
I never tell my blind wife what I'm planning for our anniversary.

She's used to being left in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/all5hf/i_never_tell_my_blind_wife_what_im_planning_for/
%
What is the purpose of life without someone to love and cherish?

the prpose of life :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/all3t6/what_is_the_purpose_of_life_without_someone_to/
%
I used to hate having long hair

But now it’s growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/all3bk/i_used_to_hate_having_long_hair/
%
Since the storm started, my wife keeps looking through the windows.

If it gets worse, I'll have to let her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/all1lg/since_the_storm_started_my_wife_keeps_looking/
%
A guy tells his friend ...

Man, I'm not a virgin anymore!
Ya right, his friend replies. How can I believe you?
Ask your sister.
Good one, I don't have a sister.
Well, ask her in 9 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/all0j4/a_guy_tells_his_friend/
%
"Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day."

Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/all019/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_hell_fly_for_a_day/
%
Being Happy is like pissing your pants

Everyone can see it, but your the only one who can feel the warmth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alku1e/being_happy_is_like_pissing_your_pants/
%
Alcoholics should become unfunny comedians

all the free boos they could ask for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alkr4l/alcoholics_should_become_unfunny_comedians/
%
Rabbis make no money doing circumcisions.

But they do get a lot of tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alkpb7/rabbis_make_no_money_doing_circumcisions/
%
What do Amy Schumer, and reposted jokes about Amy Schumer, have in common?

They’re both not funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alkllj/what_do_amy_schumer_and_reposted_jokes_about_amy/
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Cop: We suspect you have illegally downloaded all the editions of Encyclopedia Brittanica.

Man: Wait! I can explain everything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alklgd/cop_we_suspect_you_have_illegally_downloaded_all/
%
Did you hear about the relationship between the two lights?

It was really on and off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alkhce/did_you_hear_about_the_relationship_between_the/
%
Loki decided to surprise Thor at his birthday party with a lady...

He introduces them, and Thor realizes the girl has a severe lisp.  He tells Loki he just can't do it, and Loki assures him that despite her lisp, it will be the best night of his life.
Without another word between the two, the girl and Thor head off to his bedroom, and have an amazing night of lovemaking, multiple orgasms would be an understatement.
The next morning, Thor wakes up, goes to the bathroom, and comes back to his room, where the woman is still sound asleep.  He bellows, as only Thor can do, "I... am the Mighty Thor!!!"
She wakes with a start, and replies, "You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can barely thit!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alkcoe/loki_decided_to_surprise_thor_at_his_birthday/
%
Today's performance of Hamilton in Chicago was cancelled due to the cold.

Once again, Brrr killed Hamilton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alkbsw/todays_performance_of_hamilton_in_chicago_was/
%
I was recently fired from McDonald's for helping myself to too many cheeseburgers

I think I was misled about their "opportunities for growth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alkbeh/i_was_recently_fired_from_mcdonalds_for_helping/
%
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together.

George Clooney says, "I'll direct!"
Leonardo DiCaprio says, "I'll act!"
Matthew McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alkai6/george_clooney_leonardo_dicaprio_and_matthew/
%
Damn, my hemorrhoids are really painful...

"Intelligent Design" my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alk65z/damn_my_hemorrhoids_are_really_painful/
%
proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.

She believes I’m just after my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alk47c/proposed_to_my_exwife_but_she_said_no/
%
A nail walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat.

The bartender says "okay, but no getting hammered."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alk14a/a_nail_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_whisky_neat/
%
What do you call a detective without his intestines?

No shit Sherlock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aljyoj/what_do_you_call_a_detective_without_his/
%
What's the difference between a house, a terrorist compound, and a hospital?

Don't ask me. I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aljobg/whats_the_difference_between_a_house_a_terrorist/
%
What part of Italy has the highest crime rate,

The spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aljfqg/what_part_of_italy_has_the_highest_crime_rate/
%
A woman was racing home; running stop signs and drifting around corners...

She came hauling ass into the driveway; car screeching to a hault. She ran straight into the house. Slammed the door and shouted excitedly:
"Honey, pack your bags; I just won the lottery!"
Husband came out of his office, and ran up to the banister.
"Oh my god! What should I pack? Something tropical or mountains stuff?"
The woman replies, "It doesn't matter! Pack your shit and get the fuck out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aljezy/a_woman_was_racing_home_running_stop_signs_and/
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I just got an email with the subject “Just $50 to see Justin Bieber Live!”

I thought, “Why am I supposed to pay the ransom?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aljd43/i_just_got_an_email_with_the_subject_just_50_to/
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A pastor was complaining to another pastor about people in his service falling asleep

So the other pastor invited him to his own church. The Pastor began to notice some of his congregation nodding off and gave a nod to the visiting pastor.
"Ahem, I'd like to make an announcement, er a confession really" Everyone began paying attention, nudging each other, straightening up and straining their ears to hear.
"I've spent the best years of my life in the arms of another mans wife" Gasps and mutters shot across the congregation but before it could get too loud he cut in
"Yes it was my mother." Some laughed, some groaned but he went on with his sermon with a more on edge but awake group.
The visiting pastor thought it was brilliant and so he decided he would try it. A few sundays go by and he begins to see his own congregation nodding off and then he remembered.
"Ahem, I uh, I'd like to make a confession". Everyone sat up, and paid attention. "I spent some of the best years of my whole life, in the arms of another mans wife." The audience was wide eyed and dead silent causing the pastor to falter and begin to forget the rest.
"And for the life of me, I can't remember her name!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aljcb0/a_pastor_was_complaining_to_another_pastor_about/
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cows

what do you call a cow with no legs....ground beef
what do you call a cow with 2 legs...lean beef
what do you call a cow with a tick...beef jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aljbej/cows/
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"E.T. phone FUCK, CUNT, PISS!!” -

E.T. the Extra-Tourettestrial....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alj9jo/et_phone_fuck_cunt_piss/
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I Identify as a chair

Why, because I  have nice legs and want girls to sit on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alj4v1/i_identify_as_a_chair/
%
What's a rich person's favorite kind of milk?

The 1%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aliwow/whats_a_rich_persons_favorite_kind_of_milk/
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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir." the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alita2/a_man_in_melbourne_walked_into_the_produce/
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I had a checkup at the doctor recently, he told me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, “What, like bacon and burgers?”
-
He said, “No, fatty don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alipzh/i_had_a_checkup_at_the_doctor_recently_he_told_me/
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The first time I had sex was kinda like the first time I rode a bicycle

my dad was holding me from behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alipb7/the_first_time_i_had_sex_was_kinda_like_the_first/
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Why are birthday cakes with emos on them the best kind?

They cut themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alim6q/why_are_birthday_cakes_with_emos_on_them_the_best/
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I’ve got this whiteboard for sale. You’ll love it.

It’s remarkable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alilj3/ive_got_this_whiteboard_for_sale_youll_love_it/
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I went on a date last night and I knew the girl was a little kinky but then she showed me the furry outfit she wanted me to wear...

It gave me paws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alijb7/i_went_on_a_date_last_night_and_i_knew_the_girl/
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Why can’t Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he’s married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alii89/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
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Did you hear that Jesus had to quit working out?

Yeah, he did crossfit for so long, it took him three days to recover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aligae/did_you_hear_that_jesus_had_to_quit_working_out/
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What do you call a bad circumcision?

A ripoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alidz5/what_do_you_call_a_bad_circumcision/
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He saw your panties, Emma

Emma: Lita, Harris gave me 50$ for climbing that tree, again.
Lita: You idiot. That pervert saw your panties just like the other time.
Emma: I'd never let him do that. That's why I didn't wear any panties this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alib12/he_saw_your_panties_emma/
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Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ali6y1/back_in_the_day_last_name_said_something_about/
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Three Nuns

are walking when suddenly a man comes up and exposes himself to them. The first nun was startled and had a stroke. The second nun was also surprised  and also has a stroke. The third nun didn't touch the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ali4sv/three_nuns/
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A guy enters in a bar, angry af, with an assault rifle.

The whole place goes silent as he slams the door.
Angry guy : Who in here slept with my wife?!?
Some random guy at the back of the bar starts to laugh.
Angry guy : What's so funny?!?
Random guy : No chance you have enough bullets in that gun !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ali48r/a_guy_enters_in_a_bar_angry_af_with_an_assault/
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What's the volume of a pizza with a radius of z and a thickness of a?

Pi * z * z * a

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ali3ix/whats_the_volume_of_a_pizza_with_a_radius_of_z/
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What do you get when you mix literature with alcohol?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ali0ol/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_literature_with/
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My billionaire boss sent me out for a gallon of milk. "That's what, about $3000?" he asked. "Yes, sir," I replied. So I pick it up for him and kept the difference.

Skim milk has never tasted so good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alhwvu/my_billionaire_boss_sent_me_out_for_a_gallon_of/
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It’s so cold up North right now...

...that they are telling Wal-Mart shoppers to wear at least two pairs of pajamas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alhwjk/its_so_cold_up_north_right_now/
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I came here to do two things: argue about science, and make sure my children don't get vaccinated.

And I'm all out of children...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alhqtf/i_came_here_to_do_two_things_argue_about_science/
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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to 'Dick'...

Maybe because his name is Stephen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alhpef/my_boss_hates_it_when_i_shorten_his_name_to_dick/
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To those who say "alcohol is not the solution":

Alcohol is a solvent.  By definition, it's part of the solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alhi7h/to_those_who_say_alcohol_is_not_the_solution/
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Started a new job as a delivery driver today.

When i got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying "Dear Delivery Driver, we are out, please hide in garage".
That was eight hours ago and still nobody has found me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alhhzq/started_a_new_job_as_a_delivery_driver_today/
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A child asks his investor father “Dad, for my birthday, I’d really like a Bitcoin”

He replies “$4,000? What on earth do you need $15,000 for? Don’t you know how much $2,000 is?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alh8n2/a_child_asks_his_investor_father_dad_for_my/
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Why did the medical community have to come up with the term "PMS"?

"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alh5xe/why_did_the_medical_community_have_to_come_up/
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The stripper's parents didn't have faith that their daughter would go on to do something better...

They just didn't believe in destiny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alh5w8/the_strippers_parents_didnt_have_faith_that_their/
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A young catholic boy goes in for his first confession

.
As the boy goes into the booth he asks the priest, "What are you doing father?"
The priest answers, “Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."
The boy asks, "Why do you say that father?"
Priest: "Because my hand is getting tired.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alh2c7/a_young_catholic_boy_goes_in_for_his_first/
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A man overhears some... ehem... rather large women chatting at a bar...

Intrigued by their accents he meanders over by their booth and asks them:
"You ladies must not be from around here. Are you from Ireland, or something?"
To which they reply snottily:
"It's Wales." and go back to their conversation.
He corrects himself and tries again:
"You whales must not be from around here..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alh14w/a_man_overhears_some_ehem_rather_large_women/
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My wife just left me because I'm too insecure

Oh wait, she's back.
She just went out to get coffee. I wonder who she was having coffee with...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alh0a5/my_wife_just_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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Mountain Moonshine

Tom worked at a popular bar in New York City and had to deal with a lot of shitty people on a daily basis. To get away from everyone he decided to take a vacation far out west to find peace and solitude; a place where no one would bother him.
He rented a cabin deep in the wilds of Montana, with no civilization around for a hundred miles. Everything was amazing. The cabin was small and cozy, high up in the mountains with a beautiful view above the forest.
A few days later, Tom was outside relaxing and reading a book when he saw in the distance a sight that made his heart sink: a rusty old pickup truck driving right up to the cabin.
A big old grizzly mountain man hops out of the truck and shouts, "Oh hey there! I live on the other side of that there mountain! I'm hosting a party for all of the neighbors tonight, and you would be welcome to join!"
Tom stopped him in his tracks: "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm here to get away from..."
The mountain man interrupted: "But before you say yes, I gotta warn ya...there's going to be some DRINKIN'. I make the best sweet berry moonshine you've ever tasted."
Tom was quick to answer: "Well sir, as great as your moonshine may be, I still have to say..."
But the mountain man interrupted again: "Oh, and I gotta warn ya...there may be some FIGHTIN'. It can get a little rowdy sometimes after drinking my moonshine."
Tom once again answered dutifully: "Well sir, I work at a bar in New York City. I've seen my share of drunks and rough behavior, but I still have to say n-..."
The mountain man again interrupts: "Before you say yes, I gotta warn ya... there's gonna be some SEX. After being alone for so long the neighbors get a little frisky after drinking my moonshine."
At this, his curiosity was piqued. "Sir, I've seen things in New York City you've only dreamed of, I'm sure I can handle this backwoods party. I'd be happy to come to your party. I suppose it's the neighborly thing to do."
The mountain man was delighted. With the party only hours away, Tom decides to follow the rusty old pickup truck to the cabin where the mountain man lives.
While waiting for the party to start Tom tries the sweet berry moonshine. He has tried every liquor imagined while working at the bar, but this by far was one of the best he has ever had. After a few hours of drinking and talking to the mountain man, Tom realizes that no one else has shown up to the party. He asks, "When will the neighbors arrive?"
The mountain man responds: "Oh, in these mountains there's nobody around for a hundred miles. So what do you want to do next, fight or have sex?"
Tom gets scared and tries to sprint for the door as the mountain man proclaims: "I guess we're going to fight first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/algzqr/mountain_moonshine/
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Why are people in New York always so sad?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is *New Jersey*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/algx9o/why_are_people_in_new_york_always_so_sad/
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What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil.....

I’ve never had a lentil all over my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/algtcp/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/algnxr/my_girlfriend_told_me_women_are_better_at/
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What do you get when rubbing two oranges together

Pulp friction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/algng0/what_do_you_get_when_rubbing_two_oranges_together/
%
Her: Come over

Him: I'm coming over
Her: We should stop using walkie-talkies in bed, over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/algbmh/her_come_over/
%
Man, it's so cold outside..

I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alga0z/man_its_so_cold_outside/
%
My colleagues thought it would be good to each wear a shirt representing our star sign for our ‘make a wish foundation’ fundraiser

Now I’m here wearing the word CANCER across my chest and feel a right knob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alg6qw/my_colleagues_thought_it_would_be_good_to_each/
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Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alg0v7/boy_asks_granny_have_u_seen_my_pills_theyre/
%
A neutron walks into a bar

"How much for a beer?"
The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alfr06/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
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The Deceptive Doggo

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do", the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alfosx/the_deceptive_doggo/
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I'm highly skeptical over the existence of "alcohol-free beer"...

There's literally zero proof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alfoba/im_highly_skeptical_over_the_existence_of/
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My wife kicked me out because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don’t worry...

...I’ll return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alfk53/my_wife_kicked_me_out_because_of_my_bad_arnold/
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I picked up a hitchhiker last night

He said thanks.. how do you know I’m not a serial killer?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are tiny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alfipa/i_picked_up_a_hitchhiker_last_night/
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A Clergyman was walking down the street

when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alfil1/a_clergyman_was_walking_down_the_street/
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I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show up.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alfgoy/i_invited_my_girlfriend_to_go_to_the_gym_with_me/
%
I had a patient the other day who didn’t want to let me stitch up his laceration. I said fine...

Suture self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alfbfh/i_had_a_patient_the_other_day_who_didnt_want_to/
%
What do you call a hen looking at lettuce?

A chicken Caesar salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alf5pu/what_do_you_call_a_hen_looking_at_lettuce/
%
My deaf girlfriend proposed to me and I knew I just had to say yes.

It was a sign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alf3u0/my_deaf_girlfriend_proposed_to_me_and_i_knew_i/
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I go to the doctor

He asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time. I go home. Still don't know why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alez7x/i_go_to_the_doctor/
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The girl with no arms or legs at the beach

A guy was with his buddies on the beach, and went back to his cooler to get a beer. On the way he saw a girl with no arms or legs crying, when he asked why, she said “I’ve never been hugged”. The gentleman hugged her, then grabbed his beer and went back to his friends. When his beer ran out, he went back for another, and saw the same girl still crying. When he asked why, she said, “I’ve never been kissed”. So him being a nice guy and a little drunk, gave her a kiss and went on his way. Later, when he went back for his final beer run, the girl was again crying. When asked why, she said,”I’ve never been fucked”. So the guy now pretty drunk picked her up, threw her in the ocean and said “ There, now you’re fucked”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alewfj/the_girl_with_no_arms_or_legs_at_the_beach/
%
My teacher said I wouldn’t be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.

So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alew32/my_teacher_said_i_wouldnt_be_good_at_poetry/
%
What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls
*thanks dad*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alejkq/whats_the_difference_between_snow_men_and_snow/
%
Im never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked who's got papers and they all ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alej7v/im_never_smoking_weed_with_immigrants_again/
%
What do you call a girl that exclusively dates niceguys?

A beta tester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aleijx/what_do_you_call_a_girl_that_exclusively_dates/
%
After ten years of therapy, my analyst told me something that brought tears to my eyes...

No hablo ingles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alehk8/after_ten_years_of_therapy_my_analyst_told_me/
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How many ears did Mr. Spock have?

3: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alegwf/how_many_ears_did_mr_spock_have/
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[OC] I saw a Japanese martial artist, I've seen him on tv before so I excitedly waved at him. He was confused and said "I don't believe we've met"

I said "I recognize Judo".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alefbm/oc_i_saw_a_japanese_martial_artist_ive_seen_him/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

Incapable of loving me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aledte/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Hey man, can you name the denonym for the people living on a French island in the Mediterranean?

Corsican!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ale959/hey_man_can_you_name_the_denonym_for_the_people/
%
Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ale72o/heard_they_are_getting_rid_of_the_1p_coin_not/
%
This American woman ran up to me and said, "Help, someone robbed me as I was leaving the elevator." I said, "That's not right!"

She said, "I know, right? What shall I do?"
I said, "Start calling it a lift like normal people do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ale6bo/this_american_woman_ran_up_to_me_and_said_help/
%
Researchers from the University of Minnesota just discovered a material that superconducts at room temperature.

Seems the heating went out last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ale6b8/researchers_from_the_university_of_minnesota_just/
%
What are Mario and Luigi's overalls made of?

Denim-Denim-Denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ale4v3/what_are_mario_and_luigis_overalls_made_of/
%
Yesterday my friend came out as a cross dresser by wearing a mini skirt to his office party.

That showed a lot of balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ale4k3/yesterday_my_friend_came_out_as_a_cross_dresser/
%
What is President Trump's least favorite rock band?

Foreigner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ale45p/what_is_president_trumps_least_favorite_rock_band/
%
Its so cold outside today

I was mugged by a guy using a water pistol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ale39e/its_so_cold_outside_today/
%
Every morning I eat French mushrooms...

It’s the breakfast of champignons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aldx4z/every_morning_i_eat_french_mushrooms/
%
An old woman was walking with two big plastic bags. One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her.

Policeman : Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills.
Old lady : Oh thank you so much sir.
Policeman : By the way, where did you get all of this money ? Did you steal?
Old lady : Oh no! Well it's a long story.
my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole.
One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off!
This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer.
Policeman : Good to know. By the way what's in the other bag?
Old lady : Well not all of them pay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aldwpb/an_old_woman_was_walking_with_two_big_plastic/
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!
Credit to my 5yo daughter who just told me that one. She can’t read so I’m relatively sure she didn’t find it here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aldvw7/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
%
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alds7j/my_neighbor_came_at_me_really_aggressively_asking/
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What does the f in Amy Schumer stand for?

Funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aldql0/what_does_the_f_in_amy_schumer_stand_for/
%
Apparently reverse cowgirl isn’t popular in Alabama...

You never turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aldo4d/apparently_reverse_cowgirl_isnt_popular_in_alabama/
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I dig. He dig. She dig.They dig. We dig.

Now it may not be a beautiful poem but it's quite deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aldnth/i_dig_he_dig_she_digthey_dig_we_dig/
%
My wife drives like lightning.

I don’t mean she drives fast - she hits trees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aldnkr/my_wife_drives_like_lightning/
%
I was kicked out of a fat people convention.

I tried to address the elephants in the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aldj42/i_was_kicked_out_of_a_fat_people_convention/
%
"dad, why all of our family look ugly?"

"I'm your mom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aldhm0/dad_why_all_of_our_family_look_ugly/
%
People are getting angry about an actor practicing cannibalism on a female actress during the production of an action movie set in ancient Rome.

Personally, I'm gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ald8za/people_are_getting_angry_about_an_actor/
%
All of my sexual escapades are like a big budget Star Wars movie

Solo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ald5s1/all_of_my_sexual_escapades_are_like_a_big_budget/
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How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, but times up, we can discuss it at your next session.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ald40r/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...

Must be something in the water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ald3y1/everyone_is_getting_so_paranoid_and_diving_into/
%
Where do mice and rats go to get drinks?

At a Squeakeasy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ald1h4/where_do_mice_and_rats_go_to_get_drinks/
%
My friend bought a used coin making machine

Him: "It doesn't work anymore, but I bought it anyway."
Me: "Why would you do that?? It doesn't make cents!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ald0zz/my_friend_bought_a_used_coin_making_machine/
%
People call me an idiot because I like to sneak up behind horses just to scare them.

But I get a kick out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ald0co/people_call_me_an_idiot_because_i_like_to_sneak/
%
Can you get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat?

Yes, if you sit down before the guy in front of you is finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alcy3o/can_you_get_pregnant_from_sitting_on_a_toilet_seat/
%
My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alcty5/my_favourite_sex_position_is_called_wow/
%
I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alctoi/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_shes_been/
%
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alcti5/as_a_butcher_is_shooing_a_dog_from_his_shophe/
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A university has been accused of not having enough people of colour on their competitive speech recital team.

To tackle the problem they took a bunch of students and covered them in body paint.
They now claim they have achieved their dye varsity quoters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alcp83/a_university_has_been_accused_of_not_having/
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Breaking news: Man dies after overdosing on viagra.

His wife took it very hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alcnms/breaking_news_man_dies_after_overdosing_on_viagra/
%
Why can deaf people only masturbate with one hand?

So they can moan with the other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alcndx/why_can_deaf_people_only_masturbate_with_one_hand/
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I want to tell a joke about Sodium

But Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alcl98/i_want_to_tell_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
One day Superman was feeling a bit horny

. So, he began to
ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get
a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best
sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied Batman.
I'd love to, but Wonderwoman and I are friends. So I don't really want
to take advantage of her."
"Darn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when
he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down.
"Hey G.L., I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor,
who's the best babe in comicland?"
"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonderwoman is far and
away the best lay in comicland, why don't you try her?"
"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't
realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
Wonderwoman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with
her legs apart and up in the air.
Superman was tempted. "darn it!" he thought to himself,
"I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of
there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and
a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.
Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression.
"What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off,
"But my ass is killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alcjt9/one_day_superman_was_feeling_a_bit_horny/
%
"Where's our son?" asked my wife, as soon as she returned back from holiday.

"Which one?" I asked.
She said, "The one with acne. Where is he?"
I said, "Oh...I, er..."
"You what?"
"I kicked him out."
She yelled, "What the fuck? He's thirteen, why the hell would you kick him out?"
"You said you wanted the house to be spotless when you came back," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alchq7/wheres_our_son_asked_my_wife_as_soon_as_she/
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To the person who hacked into my reddit account...

I will find you, and I will kill you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alce54/to_the_person_who_hacked_into_my_reddit_account/
%
Be a considerate lover

Nice guys finish last

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alce17/be_a_considerate_lover/
%
I asked my friend why he got wasted in a gay bar

He said he wasn't thinking straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alcdfz/i_asked_my_friend_why_he_got_wasted_in_a_gay_bar/
%
What did the suicide bomb instructor say to his new students?

“Pay attention because I am only going to do this once”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alcd5i/what_did_the_suicide_bomb_instructor_say_to_his/
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Me: Girlll! Im going to treat you like I treat my homework!

Girl: And how might that be?
Me: I'm going to slam you on the desk and do you all night long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alcd20/me_girlll_im_going_to_treat_you_like_i_treat_my/
%
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Recoro?"...

...Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alcac9/job_interviewer_and_where_would_you_see_yourself/
%
Two Jewish men were sitting in a Chinese restaurant in New York

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Chinese restaurant in New York. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in China?’
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Chinese Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I won't be knowing, but I will ask the chef. After he returned from the kitchen a few minutes later and said, 'No sir, no Chinese Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.'
The waiter returned and said, 'The Chef and the Captain my boss and they all say there is no Chinese Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Chinese Jews!'
Listen, I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter. 'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews & Tomato Jews!
No Chinese Jews OK!!!!!???!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alc9ir/two_jewish_men_were_sitting_in_a_chinese/
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Communist hell

A lifelong member of the communist party dies and goes to hell.  Upon arrival, hes told we can give you a choice. You can go to capitalist hell or Communist hell.  Having been a communist his whole life, he decides to see what the capitalist hell would look like.  He goes and sees people undergoing torture, such as crucifixion. Men being pull up on a cross nailed to it, taken down, nails taken out, and then put up again, repeatedly...   He says, "no, no, this is horrible, send me to communist hell"   He goes to communist hell and sees the exact same scene being played out, and turns to a comrade and says "This is just as bad as the capitalist hell"  to which his comrade responds " No, no, this is much better....sometimes there isn't enough wood and they run short of nails..."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alc94k/communist_hell/
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The Magic Swimmingpool

This was a popular joke when I was in elementary school, so I thought I’d share.
A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are on a diving board at a magic swimming pool. They have been told that the water will change into anything they scream while jumping into the pool.
The Dutchman goes first, he takes a run, jumps, and screams ‘Milk!’ The water in the pool quickly transforms to milk and after a few minutes of swimming and drinking he happily steps out of the pool.
The German goes next, he stands on the diving board, takes a tiny hop, and screems ‘Beer!’. He makes a dive bomb, enjoys swimming and drinking the beer. After a while he starts to get tipsy and decides he had enough, so het gets out the pool.
The Belgian, now aware of all the opportunities, gets excited and takes a step back  to prepare for his run. So he runs on the diving board, slips over the German’s beer from the dive bomb from before and screams ‘Shit!’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alc616/the_magic_swimmingpool/
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A trucker’s wife sees 3 parrots for sale

:
150$,  100$ & 10$
She asks why the last parrot is so cheap.
The pet owner said it used to live in a whore house.
The woman laughs and buys it.
She gets home and the parrot says”Wow!A new whore house!”
The woman laughs.
When her two daughters come home, the parrot says”Dang!2 new gals!”
They all laugh!
When her husband walks in door, the parrot says”Hi Joe! You found the new spot!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alc59c/a_truckers_wife_sees_3_parrots_for_sale/
%
If there was a saggy tits competetion, my wife would win easily

She would sweep the floors infact

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alc3sp/if_there_was_a_saggy_tits_competetion_my_wife/
%
Why was the stadium so cold?

Because there were a lot of fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/albz2p/why_was_the_stadium_so_cold/
%
A problem with Russian names and homophobia

Russians be like:
We're extremely homophobic! no gay shit allowed.
@
There's a newborn baby! Oh, is it a boy? Call him SIR GAY!
Syka blyat...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/albyn0/a_problem_with_russian_names_and_homophobia/
%
I got mugged by 6 dwarves today...

Not Happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/albvbo/i_got_mugged_by_6_dwarves_today/
%
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.

I must have left on Data Roman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/albuk9/i_checked_my_phone_bill_after_my_trip_to_italy/
%
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/albst8/a_new_priest_at_his_first_mass_was_so_nervous_he/
%
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alblri/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_were_waiting/
%
Ironically, Woody and Buzz ...

were also the names of Andy's Mum's toys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/albgq4/ironically_woody_and_buzz/
%
My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.
She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for a minute ...decided to give her the £300.00 because we all need help at times.
So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/albccz/my_cousin_called_and_asked_if_i_would_loan_her/
%
Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand.

He asked again, in German.
Again, the two workers did not understand him.
He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.
He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.
One guy turned to the other guy and said, "You know, maybe we should learn a second language."
"Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy.
"It would help out in situations like the one we just had."
"What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/albawt/two_guys_were_working_at_the_airport_when_a/
%
Two whales sitting in a bar

One says to the other "oooooooaaaaauuuuyyaaaooooouuuiaaaaaoooeeeee"
The other replies "you're drunk Jeremy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alb6sr/two_whales_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
How do you make two pounds of fat look pretty?

Put a nipple on it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alb0fi/how_do_you_make_two_pounds_of_fat_look_pretty/
%
Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alav2v/monday_greg_tuesday_ian_wednesday_greg_thursday/
%
A nude guy was running to catch up with a bus

He gets on the moving bus just in time, just to find the passengers and the conductor to be staring at him.
"Never seen a nude passenger before?" He asked, to which the conductor flatly replies, "nah, since ur palms are empty, wondering where you put the bus fare."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alar65/a_nude_guy_was_running_to_catch_up_with_a_bus/
%
I wasn't afraid of heights until my significant other told me about her bungee jumping accident

I got the fright of my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alap4t/i_wasnt_afraid_of_heights_until_my_significant/
%
I used to think that a vasectomy prevented you from having a kid

Turns out it just changes the color (:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alahmy/i_used_to_think_that_a_vasectomy_prevented_you/
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What's the difference between the jokes on r/jokes and a class full of antivax kids?

You won't see the kids again next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alag0t/whats_the_difference_between_the_jokes_on_rjokes/
%
How is fat acceptance a movement?

When nobody moves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alaefg/how_is_fat_acceptance_a_movement/
%
I got a haircut last week...

At first I didn’t like it but it’s growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alad5o/i_got_a_haircut_last_week/
%
Wife or dog

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk, go back an hour later and see who's happy to see you. That's how you find out who your real friend is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alactf/wife_or_dog/
%
Why Did The Mexican Immigrant Take Xanax?

He Had Borderline Anxiety.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/alaboh/why_did_the_mexican_immigrant_take_xanax/
%
If you put a photo of yourself in a pendant what does that make you?

Independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ala5qa/if_you_put_a_photo_of_yourself_in_a_pendant_what/
%
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ala4zc/a_friend_got_mad_at_me_for_smelling_his_sisters/
%
A furniture store keeps calling me

All I wanted was one nightstand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ala47k/a_furniture_store_keeps_calling_me/
%
High Noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"
The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go. "Play alone, we're a-leavin'. Wild Bill's comin' to town."
The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing; a strong one at that. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change."
After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer, and pushes the bill back to the reporter. "The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town." Without another word the 'tender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the reporter in an empty bar.
Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he's about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something; so he waits...
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, Bong<CRACK!>- Just as the clock strikes the first chime of twelve, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The reporter runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a tornado coming right for the bar. The reporter hits the ground and watches as the tornado comes up to the bar and stops.
The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face <WHAM!>, knocking it cold on the ground.
The reporter is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. <KaPLOW!> the giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters that imbed themselves into the walls and break bottles and glasses that they touch.
The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the reporter and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, "GIMME A DRINK!"
The reporter comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whisky; which the giant snatches up, chews the glass tops off of, and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles showering the reporter with shards that rain down.
Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the reporter stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, "W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?"
The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock... "Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill's comin' to town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ala3ud/high_noon/
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I used to date a cross eyed girl but we had to break up

She was seeing someone on the side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ala0nf/i_used_to_date_a_cross_eyed_girl_but_we_had_to/
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What do you call an obese person that gets a sex change?

A trans fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al9vx6/what_do_you_call_an_obese_person_that_gets_a_sex/
%
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy finds the stewardess and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al9n80/a_mother_and_her_young_son_were_flying_southwest/
%
A whale story - Dirty.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al9n0s/a_whale_story_dirty/
%
On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.

Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking at the caterpillar and says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this caterpillar. But I'll wait until it has eaten the bud so that I can go and fill my belly!! " and then it waits patiently for the caterpillar to eat the bud.
Watching from another branch, a hawk hungrily looks at the sparrow and says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this sparrow. But I will wait until it has eaten the caterpillar so that I can go and fill my belly." and then it waits patiently for the sparrow to eat the caterpillar.
At the base of the tree, a cat is watching all this unfold and hungrily says: " I'll be damned if I don't eat this hawk. But I will wait until the hawk has eaten the sparrow so that I can go and fill my belly." and then waits for the right moment to jump on the hawk.
A few moment pass and the bud starts to bloom. Seeing this, the caterpillar goes and rushes for the bud, devouring the flower that started to bloom.
Not wanting to miss his chance, the sparrow dives and goes for the caterpillar, eating it whole.
With piercing eyes, the hawk reacts fast and swoops down on the sparrow, killing it with a swift strike.
Having been preparing for a deadly attack on the hawk, the cat leaps on the branch and attempts to maul its prey.
The total weight of the animals making the branch more frail, it breaks and the cat falls into a puddle of water.
Moral of the story: the longer the build-up, the wetter the pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al9bna/on_the_lowest_branch_of_a_tree_there_is_a/
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A Transgender goes to a dominatrix

The dominatrix never had a transgender client before, but she was a professional, over 5 years in the field, so she decided to agree to take the job.
On the first day, she asked: "How should I refer to you, what pronoun do you go by?"
Trans person: "Them".
And as time goes by they keep talking and getting to know each other, they even tell jokes. After a couple sessions the trans person says "Hey can you tell me that joke you told yesterday again? It was hilarious!", the dom says sure and tells the joke again, but unsure what's funny about hearing the same joke twice. They keep meeting up, having a laugh, all the while engaging in dom sex.
After a few weeks of this, the dominatrix is at a coffee shop with her friend when the trans client shows up and says hi.
Her friend, surprised,  asks "How do you know him?"
"They're a client" the dom replied, "but they have  a weird fetish"
"What is it?" asked the friend, leaning in to hear some gossip
"This sub loves when you tell them the same jokes every day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al9b35/a_transgender_goes_to_a_dominatrix/
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Last night I lost my virginity to a jar of peanut butter.

People told me I was fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al9am4/last_night_i_lost_my_virginity_to_a_jar_of_peanut/
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Wife told me if I really didn’t want anymore kids to get a vasectomy

All it did was change the color of our next one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al94ju/wife_told_me_if_i_really_didnt_want_anymore_kids/
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What do you call a black man working without pay, against his wishes, because a white man said so?

A TSA agent, you fucking racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al92je/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_working_without_pay/
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Friend keeps telling me my mixing of metaphors will get me in trouble....

But we'll burn that bridge when we get to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al929m/friend_keeps_telling_me_my_mixing_of_metaphors/
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Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.
Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.
Girl: What does that have to do with anything?
Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al912k/boy_hey_wanna_see_a_movie_with_me_tonight/
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When I was born I had 2 choices. One was having a perfect Memory and the other was to have a huge penis.

Unfortunately I can't remember which one I chose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al90c6/when_i_was_born_i_had_2_choices_one_was_having_a/
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So I found out I have a fetish for finding things out.

I really came to that conclusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al8wvm/so_i_found_out_i_have_a_fetish_for_finding_things/
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What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?

Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al8ud0/what_do_girls_with_a_daddy_kink_call_their_real/
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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives... [NSFW]

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had enough, "guys, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until i throw up and pass out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al8rh6/a_cucumber_a_pickle_and_a_penis_were_sitting/
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Did Jesus ever have morning wood?

He was a carpenter right?
(This is courtesy of my SO)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al8qtk/did_jesus_ever_have_morning_wood/
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Have you heard of the new club Pooh’s Honey Jar?

The bouncers name was Tigger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al8o0m/have_you_heard_of_the_new_club_poohs_honey_jar/
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Everyone talks about how good James Franco was in 127 hours..

But no one ever gives any credit to The Rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al8kex/everyone_talks_about_how_good_james_franco_was_in/
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I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl...

...seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al8hh5/i_can_count_on_one_hand_the_number_of_times_ive/
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A guy and a girl are walking through the woods when the girl says, “boy, these woods sure are creepy!!”

The guy replies.. “tell me about it, I gotta walk out of here alone!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al89cs/a_guy_and_a_girl_are_walking_through_the_woods/
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Birthdays are healthy for you

Studies show that the more birthdays you have, the longer you tend to live!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al8964/birthdays_are_healthy_for_you/
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Did you know air pods are for poor people.

They can't afford the wires

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al86aj/did_you_know_air_pods_are_for_poor_people/
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Afraid to die alone?

Become a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al85i1/afraid_to_die_alone/
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What is something long and hard that Polish brides get on their wedding day?

Their husband’s last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al857g/what_is_something_long_and_hard_that_polish/
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A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear.

Unless it's 3 AM.      And you're home alone.          And you don't have a baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al84rf/a_babys_laughter_is_one_of_the_most_beautiful/
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A special day in February

I asked my 10 year old niece what special day is coming up in February.
"President's Day."
"What does President's Day mean?" I expected her to tell me something about Obama or Bush or Clinton.
Instead, she says, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we get another year of bullshit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al83pd/a_special_day_in_february/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al838c/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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If short people smoke weed ,

Do they get high or medium?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al82ks/if_short_people_smoke_weed/
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I just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die".

I'm pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn't one of them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al82cd/i_just_read_a_list_of_the_100_things_to_do_before/
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I was so glad I finally made it to shore...

I had been wading forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al7tms/i_was_so_glad_i_finally_made_it_to_shore/
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I can’t believe people are still making “Friends” references 15 years after the show ended.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al7pli/i_cant_believe_people_are_still_making_friends/
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I told my wife to embrace her mistakes

She hugged me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al7pl0/i_told_my_wife_to_embrace_her_mistakes/
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I got prescribed Adderall back in college and used to give them to this girl in exchange for sex...

She was such an Attention Whore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al7mgb/i_got_prescribed_adderall_back_in_college_and/
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Where does the ocean store its stuff?

On the Continental shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al7hpj/where_does_the_ocean_store_its_stuff/
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My wife said she would leave me if i suggested getting her tubes tied again...

But i think she's just ovaryacting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al7fri/my_wife_said_she_would_leave_me_if_i_suggested/
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My girlfriend dumped me because I’m cross eyed.

I think that’s why at least. We never could see eye to eye though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al77vp/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_because_im_cross_eyed/
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Genders are like the Twin Towers

There used to be two of them, and now it’s a really uncomfortable topic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al6xjs/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
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I'm being told that because of my gender I can't be the first female president of USA.

I tell you, as a man, this gender equality in feminism is bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al6x16/im_being_told_that_because_of_my_gender_i_cant_be/
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So my friend told me that any girl he dates has to know how to tightrope on heels, I thought he was joking but guess who he’s dating now

No one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al6uq4/so_my_friend_told_me_that_any_girl_he_dates_has/
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How does Pavlov keep his hair so soft?

He conditions it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al6qv8/how_does_pavlov_keep_his_hair_so_soft/
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Father: “Son, we have to let you know you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al6pee/father_son_we_have_to_let_you_know_you_were/
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A guy at my work was so desperate of an alcoholic that he started drinking brake fluid.

He said he could stop at any time though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al6h4e/a_guy_at_my_work_was_so_desperate_of_an_alcoholic/
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Did you hear about the guy who fell into the endangered Mollusk exhibit?

An aquarium employee ran up to the railing and shouted "I'll go get help, don't move a mussel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al6d60/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_fell_into_the/
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Netflix has asked viewers to please stop referring to Ted Bundy as "Hot"

As he was electrocuted in 1989, they are fairly certain he has cooled off by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al6b3v/netflix_has_asked_viewers_to_please_stop/
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Why doesn't Ed Sheeran have a girlfriend?

Because Sheeran away.
(Saw this somewhere, and am gingerly sharing this punny piece)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al68yz/why_doesnt_ed_sheeran_have_a_girlfriend/
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A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing

"What are you doing?" He asked.
"I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free."
The husband begins packing his bags.
"What are you doing?" asked the wife.
"I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al68ch/a_man_walks_into_the_bedroom_to_see_his_wife/
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A Nun walks into a bar, looking like she hasn't washed in weeks.

She leans up against the bar, clothes all covered in dirt, stinking to high heaven, and lights up a cigerette.
The barman says, "You know, thats a filthy habbit Sister!"
"I know, I know", she replies, "but I haven't got anything else to wear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al67z8/a_nun_walks_into_a_bar_looking_like_she_hasnt/
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I need stop procrastinating with drugs

I just gotta sit down
and finally
do them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al67wb/i_need_stop_procrastinating_with_drugs/
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LPT: While online dating, try one of the jokes on this sub as an icebreaker.

That way, you can make sure the person is not a weirdo who is on Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al65mx/lpt_while_online_dating_try_one_of_the_jokes_on/
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A physics professor is about to commit suicide.

He stands on the bridge, getting ready to jump. He takes a look down deep into the water. "No..." he says. "I can't." He steps down. "I have way too much potential."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al62qr/a_physics_professor_is_about_to_commit_suicide/
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How do you know you're living in Alabama?

You get married for the third time and have the same in-laws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al60do/how_do_you_know_youre_living_in_alabama/
%
What do condoms and turn signals have in common?

If people used them, there would be less accidents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5x9i/what_do_condoms_and_turn_signals_have_in_common/
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A guy is driving a Mercedes with a blonde girl in a front seat.

She looked around the car, amazed, and then she saw the Mercedes logo, prominent on the front of the car's hood.
- Hey, what's that? - she asked.
- That? - he replied, chuckling - That's an aiming reticle. I use it to be able to hit pedestrians more reliably.
The girl fell silent for a time, and the guy started thinking about a problem he had at work that day.
Suddenly, he heard a thud, the car shook a bit, and he could've sworn he heard something like a muffled scream
- Wha... What was that? - he asked in panic
- Your aiming reticle must be broken - blonde girl replied - If I hadn't opened the door, you would've missed this one, too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5wkn/a_guy_is_driving_a_mercedes_with_a_blonde_girl_in/
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What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: has 4 letters.
Another hint: there is no question mark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5vkf/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_has_9_letters_but/
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A woman, tired of bad relationships, posts an ad online

The ad reads "Looking for a man who would treat me right and won't hit me, who would never run away from me, and would give me the best sex of my life. If you meet this criteria, come see me at 22A Greenich avenue"
People come and go, but noone is to her liking. Just when she was about to give up, the door bell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs sitting outside the door.
She asks: Are you one of the people who saw the ad?
He says:Yes. I think I am perfect for you. I have no arms, so I can not hit you, I have no legs so I cannot run away from you.
She adds: But I had 3 criteria, how do you think you can satisfy me in bed with no arms and legs.
The man gets visibly frustrated and replies : Woman, how the fuck do you think I rang the damn bell?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5tlb/a_woman_tired_of_bad_relationships_posts_an_ad/
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A blind guy walks into a bar

His knee hurts for a little bit afterwards but eventually he shakes it off and feels better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5s5h/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm

He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "
The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "
" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "
To which the lookout replies " Eye, eye Captain! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5pc7/a_sea_captain_is_complaining_about_how_difficult/
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A Cherokee chief walks into a hotel.

The receptionist: “You have a reservation?”
The Cherokee chief walks away, feeling insulted and depressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5ns5/a_cherokee_chief_walks_into_a_hotel/
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What do you get when you put 5 electricians and 5 lesbians in a room?

Ten people that don't do dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5kue/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_5_electricians_and_5/
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Man walks into a bar ( long)

A fellow walked into the bar,sat down and ordered a beer. Over the course of a few hours he continued to drink beer after beer.
The barman notices that the fellow never got up to go to the gents room. He continued to drink through the night until last call.
At this point, the barman was astonished that he had consumed dozens of beers without getting off the stool once.
The fellow polished off his final beer and headed for the door. Walking up to, and leaning on the lamp post by the the curb, he proceeded to unzip and prepares to let loose. Suddenly a copper shows up, taps him on the shoulder, and says,  "Hey buddy, you can't piss here! The totally inebriated fellow looks up, pointing across the street, and says " I'm not going to piss here, I'm going to piss WAAAAY over there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5ihw/man_walks_into_a_bar_long/
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Two Jewish men

Sid and Al, were sitting in a Chinese restaurant in New York. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in China?’
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Chinese Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I won't be knowing, but I will ask the chef. After he returned from the kitchen a few minutes later and said, 'No sir, no Chinese Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.'
The waiter returned and said, 'The Chef and the Captain my boss and they all say there is no Chinese Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Chinese Jews!'
Listen, I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter. 'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews & Tomato Jews!
No Chinese Jews OK!!!!!???!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5i0j/two_jewish_men/
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I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet

But I haven’t seen any with more than 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5ec7/i_just_read_that_alligators_can_grow_up_to_15_feet/
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Burial dilemma.

Husband & wife went to Jerusalem and the Wife died there.
Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $5,000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".
Man:"I'll take the body home!!!"
Priest:"Why the costly option? You must really love your wife a lot"
Man: "Nothing like that Father.. Just that Jesus was buried here and came alive on the 3rd day.  Why take unnecessary risk!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5d89/burial_dilemma/
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nsfw smells like dick

my friend just told me this outside
two whores have a conversation on the street
Whore 1: i think we will make a lot of money tonight
Whore 2: do you think so?
Whore 1: yeah i smell dick in the air
Whore 2: thats because i just burped
sorry if the format is not good im on mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5d5j/nsfw_smells_like_dick/
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Why don't nerds read the newspaper?

Because they already Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5blu/why_dont_nerds_read_the_newspaper/
%
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.
Because elephants never forget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al5a0o/call_a_girl_beautiful_1000_times_and_she_wont/
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The puzzlebox said 2-4 years..

But I did it in only 3 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al58qm/the_puzzlebox_said_24_years/
%
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold- blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al551h/a_monkey_is_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint/
%
My wife got a new tattoo on her inner thigh.

It's a seashell. When you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al53ef/my_wife_got_a_new_tattoo_on_her_inner_thigh/
%
For the first time ever I understood what all the fuss was about 80s music

It was an Aha moment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al4zub/for_the_first_time_ever_i_understood_what_all_the/
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Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al4zta/sergeant_smith_i_didnt_see_you_at_camouflage/
%
I'd like to drown my sorrows

but my missus doesn't go near water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al4q6w/id_like_to_drown_my_sorrows/
%
I got 50% off my new window.

There isn't a catch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al4ppr/i_got_50_off_my_new_window/
%
A muslim girl said to me “I got so stoned last night...”

I asked, “Why was your dad so mad?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al4oni/a_muslim_girl_said_to_me_i_got_so_stoned_last/
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A man walks into a sex toy shop

and asks for an inflatable doll.  The clerk asks "regular or Muslim?"
The man asks "what's the difference?"
"The Muslim doll blows itself up" the clerk replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al4ofa/a_man_walks_into_a_sex_toy_shop/
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Typewriter be like

1% battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al4kvw/typewriter_be_like/
%
You shouldn't make fun of asians because of their names..

That's just Wong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al4iw8/you_shouldnt_make_fun_of_asians_because_of_their/
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My gf just put plantains in her vagina

I think she's fucking bananas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al4aym/my_gf_just_put_plantains_in_her_vagina/
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A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a police officer.

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop."Let's see you do it."
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow." says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al48v2/a_juggler_driving_to_his_next_performance_is/
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Africans have the best drinking games...

...like „the last one to find water dies“.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al4340/africans_have_the_best_drinking_games/
%
Did you hear about the chihuahua that killed the German Shepherd

It got stuck in its throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al42d4/did_you_hear_about_the_chihuahua_that_killed_the/
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Soylent Cola, the soda made from grinding up people, is said to not have a set flavor

They say the taste varies from person to person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al41gs/soylent_cola_the_soda_made_from_grinding_up/
%
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

A yamahahaha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al40am/what_do_you_call_a_laughing_motorcycle/
%
What did the Nintendo Wii do when he stopped working?

Wii-tired
bonus: In Wii-sconsin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al3vlg/what_did_the_nintendo_wii_do_when_he_stopped/
%
A man asks his wife why did she get married to him

"Because you're very funny."
"I thought it was because I'm good in bed."
"You see? You're hilarious!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al3ux9/a_man_asks_his_wife_why_did_she_get_married_to_him/
%
"What did grandpa and grandma do for fun back in the day?"

i don't know why but this question was never answered by anyone from my 17 aunts and uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al3swf/what_did_grandpa_and_grandma_do_for_fun_back_in/
%
A young couple before and after marriage

BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Man - Oh yes, i can't wait!
Woman - Will you ever leave me?
Man - No, don't even think about it.
Woman - Do you love me?
Man - Of course.
Woman - Have you ever cheated on me?
Man - No! How could you think that i would do something like that?
Woman - Will you kiss me?
Man - Every time i get the chance.
Woman - Will you beat me?
Man - Are you insane, i 'm not that type of a person...
Woman - Can i trust you?
Man - Yes.
Woman - Oh dear...
AFTER MARRIAGE:
Just read "BEFORE MARRIAGE" from the bottom to the top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al3sbo/a_young_couple_before_and_after_marriage/
%
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?

People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al3nd4/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_someone/
%
1 dollar was a lot..

I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al3dho/1_dollar_was_a_lot/
%
what do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al36bq/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks "Occupation?"

"No, just visiting." Said the guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al33yk/a_german_goes_on_holiday_to_france_he_gets_to/
%
Did you hear about the kid that got a skin graft from a pig?

Pork kid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al32fw/did_you_hear_about_the_kid_that_got_a_skin_graft/
%
How to spot an introvert in a crowd

Please don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al31hy/how_to_spot_an_introvert_in_a_crowd/
%
Why do the French make omelettes with only one egg?

Because one is always anouef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al316r/why_do_the_french_make_omelettes_with_only_one_egg/
%
My boss has just appointed me as his sexual advisor.

He said, 'When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al2xo9/my_boss_has_just_appointed_me_as_his_sexual/
%
This sub is disappointing me lately.

I'm going to try the meatball next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al2wsl/this_sub_is_disappointing_me_lately/
%
My friend is an EMT, and she's amazing on trivia night.

She's usually the first responder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al2und/my_friend_is_an_emt_and_shes_amazing_on_trivia/
%
3 mice sitting in a bar

3 mice are sitting at the bar talking about how strong and fearless they are.
The first mouse says “I take the cheese off the mouse trap and as the bar snaps down I get under it and do about 40 bench presses”
The second mouse says “you know the rat poison that’s lying around, I chop it up and snort it like cocaine and it doesn’t affect me”
The third mouse gets up and starts to walk out of the bar. “Where you going!” The other two mice say
“I’m tired of you two I’m gonna go fuck the cat”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al2ske/3_mice_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al2m38/the_four_goldberg_brothers_lowell_norman_hiram/
%
My wife keeps trying to be sexy by biting her lip

I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s the bottom one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al2hxd/my_wife_keeps_trying_to_be_sexy_by_biting_her_lip/
%
What do you get when you mix a bulldog and a shi'tzu?

The worst smoothie I've ever had and arrested, apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al2d4g/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_bulldog_and_a/
%
My grandfather always said

"Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.
It was my grandfather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al28y9/my_grandfather_always_said/
%
My wife threatened to leave me due to my sexual fetishes.

I said "fine, just slam the door on my cock on your way out".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al28y6/my_wife_threatened_to_leave_me_due_to_my_sexual/
%
Today someone told me I am average.

I told them that's just mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al28pp/today_someone_told_me_i_am_average/
%
What do you call a non-fiction vampire?

A real pain in the neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al28mo/what_do_you_call_a_nonfiction_vampire/
%
What's the difference between Iron man and Iron women?

One is a super hero, the others a simple instruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al274v/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center,

where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Lieutenant stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al26id/private_jones_was_assigned_to_the_army_induction/
%
Back in the days a dollar could get me...

A pack of gum, some candy, 2 sodas, 4 pack of chips. Today..well the got cameras everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al2571/back_in_the_days_a_dollar_could_get_me/
%
Just asked my friend why he spent all night at a gay bar

He said he wasn't thinking straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al218w/just_asked_my_friend_why_he_spent_all_night_at_a/
%
This one time, people completely overused a word and ruined it forever.

It was epic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al20gy/this_one_time_people_completely_overused_a_word/
%
I hate when people ask where I see myself next year.

I don’t have 2020 vision!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al1yeg/i_hate_when_people_ask_where_i_see_myself_next/
%
I just got deported by the government of Austria due to my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions, and all the flights to America are full.

Don't worry, I'll just get to the helicoper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al1xm1/i_just_got_deported_by_the_government_of_austria/
%
How does Skywalker prefer his coffee?

Lukewarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al1u30/how_does_skywalker_prefer_his_coffee/
%
Why did frosty the snowman have to go to the dentist?

He has a very bad case of frost bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al1m4x/why_did_frosty_the_snowman_have_to_go_to_the/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican train engineer that killed a bunch of people?

They said he had a loco motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al1kvv/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_engineer/
%
Year 2019

So far, 2019 seems odd.
Like every other year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al1fwt/year_2019/
%
My 33 year old friend is dating a 19 year old.

They went out to dinner and kept getting harassed by the locals.
They we're shouting 'Peado' and 'Cradle snatcher' and all sorts of horrible names.
It completely ruined their 10 year anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al1duw/my_33_year_old_friend_is_dating_a_19_year_old/
%
I never go camping with only one other person

It's just two in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al1bui/i_never_go_camping_with_only_one_other_person/
%
Why doesn't the US use the metric system?

Because they can't stand foreign rulers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al1aww/why_doesnt_the_us_use_the_metric_system/
%
Hitler was an angry guy

He was always fuhrerious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al19a4/hitler_was_an_angry_guy/
%
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

"School" is my answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al18la/as_an_aussie_americans_are_always_asking_me_where/
%
Q: With Britain likely to leave EU, how much space will be freed?

1 GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al15dw/q_with_britain_likely_to_leave_eu_how_much_space/
%
Went to a zoo today that only had one animal which was a small dog

It was a shih tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al0ym7/went_to_a_zoo_today_that_only_had_one_animal/
%
Walking in the cemetery alone

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes.
As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al0y9g/walking_in_the_cemetery_alone/
%
Leather armor is perfect for sneaking

Its literally made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al0wxh/leather_armor_is_perfect_for_sneaking/
%
“I am sorry” and “My bad” mean the same thing.

Except at funerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al0vj5/i_am_sorry_and_my_bad_mean_the_same_thing/
%
I was making fun of my Dad’s new Thai bride, and he wasn’t too happy about it.

My dad wasn’t too pleased either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al0thm/i_was_making_fun_of_my_dads_new_thai_bride_and_he/
%
A guy is pulled over by a cop for speeding

The cop approaches the car and the driver rolls down the window.
"Driver's licence and insurance?"
"I don't have a driver's licence and the car was stolen."
Cop slowly backs up a bit and puts his hand on a gun.
"Is there anything else I should know? Any weapons in the car?"
"No, just a dead body in a trunk."
At this point cop pulls his gun out and calls everyone for a backup. Once the backup arrives, senior officer approaches the car as well, while the original cop steps back a bit. They take the guy in the custody and the senior officer finds the driver's licence on the guy and insurance papers in the glove compartment. After opening the trunk they realize it was empty.
Senior officer approaches the guy in the back of the police car.
"My colleague told me you didn't have driver's licence or insurance papers, and that you had dead body in the trunk."
"Oh, yeah, sure! Now he's going to tell you I was speeding too!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al0si8/a_guy_is_pulled_over_by_a_cop_for_speeding/
%
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this

Measels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al0sby/only_antivaxxers_will_get_this/
%
The naughtiest thing I ever did was have sex on a ferris wheel.

I really got around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al0rx3/the_naughtiest_thing_i_ever_did_was_have_sex_on_a/
%
A man named Adam is being sent to prison

On the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly
"With or without spit?!"
The man (Adam)  thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers
"With spit"
To which the giant shouts to another inmate.
"Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a threesome!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al0n04/a_man_named_adam_is_being_sent_to_prison/
%
A woman's been complaining to her husband about her weight...

She says "I've been putting on weight but my boobs haven't been growing!"
He goes and grabs some toilet paper and says "here, try rubbing this in your cleavage"
She looks at him puzzled and says "how is this going to help?"
He replies, "Well look what it's done to your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al0mpb/a_womans_been_complaining_to_her_husband_about/
%
Don’t be scared of dying. People die all the time.

You don’t hear them complaining about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al0is0/dont_be_scared_of_dying_people_die_all_the_time/
%
C3PO, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo are taken prisoner on an alien planet

The Millennium Falcon had to make an emergency stop on an uncharted planet. The trio is greeted by a hostile alien race and placed in a horrendous prison.
After some time they are taken in the night to some kind of tribunal where they are told that all outsiders are regarded as evil demons and will be sentenced to death unless they pass a test that will prove that the universe perceives them as benign entities in which case they will be free to go.
They ask them what this test consists of and they are told that it is very simple. The aliens have what is akin to a set of cards that they explain has been delivered to them by the gods and can be used to determine the fate of any individual in the galaxy. Each card represents a single number, there are an unknown quantity of cards, and it is not known if the numbering is consecutive, or if any number appears more than once or not at all.
The aliens will draw 5 cards face down and then reveal them one at at a time. They ask for one of the prisoners to be a representative and speak for the prisoners. Han steps forward and asks what he must do. They explain all he must do is decide whether there will be more even numbered cards drawn or more odd cards, if he is correct the gods have decided they are not a threat and will all be granted freedom, otherwise they will be considered evil and each each face a gruesome death.
Han looks back at his most trusted friend Luke, who mouths to him that he should choose the even numbers to which Han confidently nods and exclaims to his captures that he chooses the evens.
The cards are drawn and then slowly revealed...
ODD! ... EVEN! .... ODD! ........... EVEN!.....
.
.
.
.
.
It feels like an eternity while the final card is being turned ...
But to the shock of the aliens and the relief of the intrepid adventurers the final card is called out, EVEN!!
The aliens profusely apologize for their mistake and help repair the Millennium Falcon and send them on their way. Everyone is very silent contemplating what happened, their luck, and the fate they could have endured. After some time C3PO breaks the silence and says, "I don't understand, I have calculated all the possible results and their is no way to know what the outcome was going to be. Master Luke how did you so quickly and confidently reach your conclusion? I must know!"
To which Luke simply replies "C3PO I would think you would know by now ....
...you never tell Han Solo the odds!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al0ikp/c3po_luke_skywalker_and_han_solo_are_taken/
%
I got in trouble in school today

I was caught passing notes in music class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al0esc/i_got_in_trouble_in_school_today/
%
Asking for a 'Cup of Joe' is a fine way to ask for a cup of coffee...

Unless you're at a sperm bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al089n/asking_for_a_cup_of_joe_is_a_fine_way_to_ask_for/
%
Why is Italy shaped like a boot?

Because you can't fit that much shit into a shoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al075v/why_is_italy_shaped_like_a_boot/
%
If you were trying to seduce a squirrel

You'd have to be pretty nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al05ou/if_you_were_trying_to_seduce_a_squirrel/
%
We shouldn't be too hard on people who use toxic building materials.

They did asbestos they could.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al0595/we_shouldnt_be_too_hard_on_people_who_use_toxic/
%
It is 1am when a drunk man at the bar decided to call it a night.

He leaves the bar completely drunk, tries to take two steps and collapses miserably on the floor.
He says to himself: "Well, my poor old man, you’ve had a bit too much .... let's to crawl to the exit to breathe some fresh air, it'll be better afterwards”.
He crawls outside and he holds on to the hood of a car with the help of his hands, stands up and tries to take a step .... once again collapsing miserably
Remembering that he does not live very far away, he decides to crawl home.
Upon arriving at his door he tries to enter the house making as less noise as possible not to be wake up his wife.
He grabs the door handle, gets up, opens the door leaning his full body on it, he tries to walk to his room while remaining silent but ..... after taking a step he collapses again ... so he crawls to his bed where he falls asleep.
The next day his wife says to him: "you were at the bar again last night, weren’t you?"
" how do you know ?"
"they called this morning to say that you forgot your wheelchair again… "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al03hi/it_is_1am_when_a_drunk_man_at_the_bar_decided_to/
%
What's the difference between r/jokes and a recycling depot?

Occasionally new material passes through the recycling depot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al022g/whats_the_difference_between_rjokes_and_a/
%
How do antivaxx parents talk to their kids?

With an ouija board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al01pt/how_do_antivaxx_parents_talk_to_their_kids/
%
My dad adviced me to never open a funeral business.

Bewildered as to why he gave me this advice, having never worked in a funeral business himself, I asked why.
"Because the market is dead, son"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al011t/my_dad_adviced_me_to_never_open_a_funeral_business/
%
A guy and a girl meet at a bar……

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....
"Didn't feel a thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/al00s2/a_guy_and_a_girl_meet_at_a_bar/
%
Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzz0s/thanos_finger_snap_would_have_a_greater_impact_if/
%
I’m on my period, but my boyfriend said we can still have sex

Someone is gonna have a bloody good time tonight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzy6i/im_on_my_period_but_my_boyfriend_said_we_can/
%
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzxno/my_girlfriend_said_you_act_like_a_detective_too/
%
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings

But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzxg0/the_vagina_has_more_than_8000_nerve_endings/
%
a lady visits her husband in a prison

A lady visits her husband in a prison. After talking to him she talks to a prison administrator:
"Shouldn't my husband be treated better? All this hard work he has to do!"
"What hard work?" asks the administrator "he's a librarian here."
"Well," replies the lady, "he was telling me something about digging a tunnel every night..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzxeu/a_lady_visits_her_husband_in_a_prison/
%
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.
Riceless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzx5p/chinese_takeout_1500_gas_to_get_there_150/
%
A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.
The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.
The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises inside, then rolls out seriously scared.
Finally the nerd wanders in, squealing and squeaking loudly as he goes through the house. He exits meekly, having been rocked to his core.
The haunted houses elderly neighbour has finally had enough with all the noise, and stomps up to the owner, shouting
“I’m done with all the racket!!”
“I don’t think we’re that loud.” The owner responds apathetically.
“Yes you are!” The old man yelps, “I wrote down every instance of the hubbub that you made!”
The owner looks up at the old man, curious. “All right, read it off to me.”
“Well,” The old man clears his throat. “I heard an eye scream, a ewe scream, a wheel scream and a four eyes scream!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzwnu/a_cornea_a_female_sheep_a_tire_and_a_nerd_walk/
%
[NSFW] The bride and groom were delighted to be finally alone in their honeymoon suite.

Blushing, the bride asked her new husband, "Johnny, now that we're married, could you tell me what a penis is?"
&nbsp;
Pleased to discover his wife was a virgin, he took out his penis and showed it to her.
&nbsp;
"Oh," she said, "it's just like a dick, only smaller."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzstf/nsfw_the_bride_and_groom_were_delighted_to_be/
%
My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzqk7/my_boss_youre_fired/
%
As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke

But you might not get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzo1z/as_a_programmer_i_would_make_a_udp_joke/
%
Did you hear about the man who accused the devil of going bald?

Fair to say, there was hell toupee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzkup/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_accused_the_devil/
%
A man comes home to his wife and says “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”

“Oh my god, what should I pack?!” She replies
“I don’t care! Just pack something and get the fuck OUT!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzjsq/a_man_comes_home_to_his_wife_and_says_honey_i/
%
A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.
"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"
Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulously.
"You, a frog, want to take out such a large loan? I'm afraid there's no way I can approve that." Patricia replies.
"Yes, I know." answers the frog, apparently expecting this response. "But I know the bank manager. Believe me, it'll be ok. Besides, I can provide this as collateral."
The frog reaches into his pocket and retrieves an small but immaculately carved marble elephant, and places it onto the counter.
Patricia, dumbfounded, picks up the elephant and retreats into the bank's back office to consult with her manager.
"I've just had the oddest exchange." Patricia explains to her manager when she finds him. "A frog is waiting out there in the bank, wanting to take out a $200,000 loan. He claims that you know him, and will approve it."
"Ah, yes." replies the manager knowingly. "A most remarkable young chap. Though he doesn't look it, he's actually the son of Mick Jagger, feel free to approve the loan."
Patricia holds up her finger.
"But sir" she insists. "You haven't heard the strangest part. He wants to provide *\**this\* as collateral." she places the frog's marble elephant on her manager's desk.
"I mean." she laughs. "What even \*is\* this?"
Patricia's manager looks her dead in the eye.
"It's a knick knack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a rolling stone."
(credit for the joke goes to Kerry O'Brien AFAIK)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzixq/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank_and_approaches_the_teller/
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If you poop in a church, does that mean its a holy shit?

Poop John the first from the church of the holy shitters says yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzhyg/if_you_poop_in_a_church_does_that_mean_its_a_holy/
%
For $10,000,000, would you let 50 people hit you?

Great! Here comes the punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzdlz/for_10000000_would_you_let_50_people_hit_you/
%
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf

I haven’t heard from him since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akzagv/two_years_ago_my_doctor_told_me_i_was_going_deaf/
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My daughter was diagnosed with a pneumonia

I’m not sure where else to post this. This sub feels most fitting, but it’s been a long night. Please advise where it may be better suited if you’d like.
So our night sucked but had a silver lining in my two year old daughter’s comedic timing. We had to rush her to the ER at 3:00am (vomiting and a 104.3 F temp). Turns out she has a pneumonia but we caught it early so we can treat it at home. So we are driving home and she’s talking a little and she said “temperature hurt” because they had to do it rectally. I say “yeah mommy doesn’t like it when things go up there unexpectedly either.” My daughter says “Daddy likes.” We pulled the car over and had a real good laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akz35b/my_daughter_was_diagnosed_with_a_pneumonia/
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I gently got into bed beside her, kissed her neck and whispered, "That number you gave me at the bar tonight…"

…doesn't exist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akz30z/i_gently_got_into_bed_beside_her_kissed_her_neck/
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How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazillian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akz05y/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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The story of Rolph Louie, the worst basketball player to ever make it to the NBA.

There was once a basketball player named Rolph Louie, who somehow made his way into the Chicago Bulls. This decision to pick up Rolph for the roster made no sense to anybody; it baffled the commentators, the fans and even the players on the team. Rolph could barely dribble a ball...
In 99% of the games, Rolph wouldn't even be put in the game, sitting on the bench as a substitute. It made absolutely no sense to anybody why he was still in the team.
Somehow, even with Rolph dragging down their team, the Bulls made it to the finals. The game wasn't looking good for the Bulls - they were down 32 points at half-time. The opposition team took pride in this, and were gloating non stop during the half time break. In fact, one of the players got so cocky that they decided to do a dunk from the three point line - and in doing so, they managed to tear down the post keeping the hoop in the air!
The crowd was not happy. They were screaming "Refund! Refund! Refund!" and the player who broke the post had his head in his hands, too shameful to even cover his face.
But this didn't deter Rolph. He knew what he had to do.
He stood up from his bench, walked over to the now-broken hoop, and in less than a few minutes, he fixed the post up, better than it had ever been.
The crowd went crazy for Rolph, and for Rolph, this was the highest point of his career -- nay, his life.
So one commentator said to the other, "Man, this sub is really good at reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akyzco/the_story_of_rolph_louie_the_worst_basketball/
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I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask way too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akyvtv/i_was_going_to_donate_blood_today_but_they_always/
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Due to the amount of coincidence that happened for Hitler to become a dictator

We can safley assume that if there is a god, he sure isn't jewish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akyvn3/due_to_the_amount_of_coincidence_that_happened/
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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akytor/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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Golden Toilet

Two colleagues, Elon and Felix, meet after  work and Felix is all excited: "Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house who had toilet made of gold!"
"You're kidding!".
"Nope" said Felix as he took Elon to the house.
They rang the doorbell and a middle-aged lady opens and Felix asks,"Can we see the toilet made of gold?"
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells inside the house, "Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akysem/golden_toilet/
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What do Italians eat for holloween?

Fettuccine Afraid-o

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akys59/what_do_italians_eat_for_holloween/
%
I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

I now live in constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akyr4l/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
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What can you share and keep at the same time?

STD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akyq15/what_can_you_share_and_keep_at_the_same_time/
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How do you know if it's a repost on r/Jokes?

It's got more than 1.0k upvotes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akyoqt/how_do_you_know_if_its_a_repost_on_rjokes/
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“How much to buy a singing ensemble?”

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akyli6/how_much_to_buy_a_singing_ensemble/
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A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

.A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akyk6v/a_pregnant_woman_hobbles_into_the_hospital_with/
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I saw my brother masturbating in his room when I was seven

I asked him what he’s doing. He didn’t want mum to know about this and told me he’s practising Chinese kungfu. I shall never forget the day when I volunteered to demonstrate Chinese kungfu in front of everyone in class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akyh5z/i_saw_my_brother_masturbating_in_his_room_when_i/
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My friend died yesterday, we couldn’t find his blood type in time for the transfusion.

Even to the bitter end, he said “Be positive.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akygfb/my_friend_died_yesterday_we_couldnt_find_his/
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Why is it so hard to fight corruption in Russia?

Because it knows judo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akyg1h/why_is_it_so_hard_to_fight_corruption_in_russia/
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A priest, jesus and Shaggy sitting in a drowning boat...

Jesus goes to his knees and prays. Stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.
Shaggy stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.
The priest prays on his knees stands up and tries to walk over the Water, but drowns.
On the coast jesus asks shaggy : "shouldn't we told him where the stones were"
"Like, which stones" shaggy answers...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akyeq0/a_priest_jesus_and_shaggy_sitting_in_a_drowning/
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A thief stole a bottle of laxatives, mistaking them for perscription painkillers.

After he found out, he nearly shit himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akybd1/a_thief_stole_a_bottle_of_laxatives_mistaking/
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I hate when people start their statement with “well for starters”

and then never talk about the main course or the dessert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aky9gq/i_hate_when_people_start_their_statement_with/
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Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'

Necromancer: 'Not if they are buried close together.'
Man: 'What ? ...  '
Necromancer: 'What ? ... '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aky5pg/man_it_is_really_difficult_to_raise_a_family/
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Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aky4m1/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
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What do you call your ancestors if they were siblings?

Incestors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aky1v1/what_do_you_call_your_ancestors_if_they_were/
%
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand.

So she can moan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aky1lx/why_does_helen_keller_masturbate_with_one_hand/
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Life is like soccer

My mom signed me up for it even though I hate it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxyqf/life_is_like_soccer/
%
How many English people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. What do you think they are? Americans?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxy4m/how_many_english_people_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?

\- Peak Aboo.
And which one gives them a flu?
\- Peak Achoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxxvb/what_mountaintop_is_infamous_for_making_climbers/
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Whenever my father, a bee keeper, would see a pretty lady walk by he would always say

"Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxxqs/whenever_my_father_a_bee_keeper_would_see_a/
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Jews and blacks

Why are black jews so sad?
They have to sit in the back of the oven
(I got this form encyclopedias dramatica)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxxay/jews_and_blacks/
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For my late grandfather, his favorite joke. "My wife, she can't wrestle..."

"But you should see her box!"
And he'd laugh. And laugh. And laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxsy4/for_my_late_grandfather_his_favorite_joke_my_wife/
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Balls..

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant
following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look good, but the
smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just
served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent
taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real
delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an
order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There
is only one serving per day because there is only
one bull fight each morning. If you come early and
place your order, we will be sure to save you this
delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his
order, and that evening was served the one and
only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he
called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than
the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxspg/balls/
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It doesn't matter how badly you want to, you just can't fight Destiny...

Because then you'd have to fight the bouncers and the other strippers too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxrhb/it_doesnt_matter_how_badly_you_want_to_you_just/
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The Lord moves in mysterious ways

But you don't have to, so use your fucking blinkers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxn2y/the_lord_moves_in_mysterious_ways/
%
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.

Since then my muggings have been way more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxjgf/ever_since_an_attempted_mugging_last_year_i_have/
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If life gives you melons,

You’re dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxi7x/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
What is Tekashi 6ix9ine's favourite guitar chord?

a flat minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxeep/what_is_tekashi_6ix9ines_favourite_guitar_chord/
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Did you hear about the man who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He's lucky it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxd83/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_got_hit_in_the/
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My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxbtv/my_wife_and_i_spend_so_much_money_on_arthritis/
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What's the difference between Catholic priests and Olympic silver medalists?

They both came in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akxaza/whats_the_difference_between_catholic_priests_and/
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My uncle was a terrible ventriloquist...

...used to put two fingers in my arse and tell me not to say a word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akx9gh/my_uncle_was_a_terrible_ventriloquist/
%
Why don't flat earther's go to college?

They're afraid of coming out 'well rounded'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akx7dv/why_dont_flat_earthers_go_to_college/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

Lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akx5ke/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
The stair joke

There was once a competition between 5 friends to walk up a flight of ten stairs, the first to get to the top wins. The catch? Every stair has a joke on it and if you were to laugh on any stair you were eliminated.
The first friend goes and makes it to the second stair before laughing at the joke. The second friend makes it to the fifth stair before laughing, the third the fourth stair, and the fourth the fourth stair too.
Then comes Kevin, the fifth friend. Kevin was never the brightest of the group and laughed the easiest out of all of them, but Kevin was determined to win. So Kevin starts walking and gets to the fourth step, then the sixth and finally to the ninth stair before bursting out in laughter. The four other friends all amazed that he got so far ask him: Kevin how did you get so far without laughing. And that’s when Kevin says, I JUST GOT THE FIRST ONE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akx4r9/the_stair_joke/
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The Democrats agreed to sign over $6 Billion for the construction of the border wall, on one condition... that Trump stay on the other side.

Trump agreed.
...but Mexicans refused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akx4ko/the_democrats_agreed_to_sign_over_6_billion_for/
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Some people say Tesla’s interiors all smell the same...

Sort of like an Elon Musk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akx3xm/some_people_say_teslas_interiors_all_smell_the/
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What do you get when you put a lift kit on a supra

Suprised
I’ll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akx1vc/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_a_lift_kit_on_a_supra/
%
How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akwzdz/how_does_a_penguin_build_its_house/
%
What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akwsoq/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
%
I remember when I was a kid I would go to the store with $1 and get 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 4 packs of gum and even an ice-cold drink....

Now they got cameras everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akwp7i/i_remember_when_i_was_a_kid_i_would_go_to_the/
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After reading about the effects of drinking and smoking

I've decided to quit reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akwmyu/after_reading_about_the_effects_of_drinking_and/
%
Whenever I talk dirty to somebody over the phone, they disconnect

I guess you could say I have a lot of sexual hangups.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akwgrv/whenever_i_talk_dirty_to_somebody_over_the_phone/
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Three conspiracy theorists are sitting at a bar.

“Man, I can’t believe NASA thinks we’d eat up that moon landing bullshit,” one of them says.
“I know, right?” says another. “Everyone knows deep down that it was fake.”
“The moon is way too far away for anybody to realistically land on!” the third one interjects. “If they could do it, why aren’t we all living on the moon?”
The three theorists hear an audible grunt coming from the corner of the room. They turn around to see a scruffy old man smoking a cigar.
“Lemme get this straight,” the man says, taking the cigar out of his mouth for a moment. “Y’all actually believe in the moon?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akwf41/three_conspiracy_theorists_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
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What do you call Vegan Headphones?

Beets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akweok/what_do_you_call_vegan_headphones/
%
How do you say good bye to two hundred thousand Indonesians?

A big wave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akwebl/how_do_you_say_good_bye_to_two_hundred_thousand/
%
Hey did you hear the news?

Boomerangs are coming back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akwe4s/hey_did_you_hear_the_news/
%
What’s the hardest part of giving birth to a shampoo bottle?

Head and shoulders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akwc5r/whats_the_hardest_part_of_giving_birth_to_a/
%
Why is a fire engine red?

You’d be red too if your hose was showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akw43e/why_is_a_fire_engine_red/
%
Why does NASA offer sprite at their conferences?

Because they couldn't get 7 up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akw2mh/why_does_nasa_offer_sprite_at_their_conferences/
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3 drunk men get into a taxi...

3 drunk men get into a taxi. After listening to the instructions from the men, the driver realised that he could scam them easily. So he turned on the engine, revved it a bit and turned it off.
The first one paid, got out and walked away, the second walked out and threw up in the bushes, but to his horror, the cab driver saw the third man heading for the driver's side door, assuming the gig was up, the driver prepared to make a run for it.
Before he could, the man reached in and slapped him twice, and said in a loud voice,"next time don't drive so fast!".
(Apologies if I butchered the joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akw1ai/3_drunk_men_get_into_a_taxi/
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Don’t know if this ones on here yet

John went to the store to pick up a ham for his family’s Christmas dinner. He goes to the meat counter and asks for a ham, “Try  this damn ham” the man at the counter said. “Excuse me”
John said, “no that’s what they’re called, damn hams” the man said and handed John a damn ham. He pays for the damn ham and heads home.
“Honey I’m back from the grocery store and I got a damn ham”, “SWEETIE... you never talk like that” his wife said “no that’s what they’re called damn hams”. His wife thinks nothin of it and throws it in the oven.
As there sitting down to enjoy their meal John asks his wife to pass the damn ham. His son looking at at his dad excitedly says “that’s the spirit pops! Now pass the fuckin mashed potatoes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvwuu/dont_know_if_this_ones_on_here_yet/
%
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if

You stab it well enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvvzu/any_salad_can_be_a_caesar_salad_if/
%
What do French people smoke...

...weed or oui’d?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvuge/what_do_french_people_smoke/
%
I’ve always felt conflicted about masturbation

I mean, on one hand it feels good...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvu6y/ive_always_felt_conflicted_about_masturbation/
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How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

Depends on if you will see them later, or in a little while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvu1i/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_an/
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How do you say "Insanity defense" in Spanish?

Locomotive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvtxb/how_do_you_say_insanity_defense_in_spanish/
%
Your mom is so fucking stupid...

you got the measles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvt5y/your_mom_is_so_fucking_stupid/
%
Just got challenged to a water fight by the neighbors kids

Decided to pop on here for a while the water boils

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvoqh/just_got_challenged_to_a_water_fight_by_the/
%
Ran in to my ex today, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex...

The police were a bit pissed off though as I was only supposed to identify the body...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvnhb/ran_in_to_my_ex_today_one_thing_led_to_another/
%
I was driving by some land that was for sale

I was driving by some land for sale and was wondering the price. It was a lot.
Edit. First time submitting. Hope you liked it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvmay/i_was_driving_by_some_land_that_was_for_sale/
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If Russia became the Soviet Union again

It would be the Soviet Reunion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvlfu/if_russia_became_the_soviet_union_again/
%
The circus was in town and was taking applications from the local townspeople for wildly unique acts.

The interviewer was at the end of a long fruitless day of these local no-talents, when the last applicant, Jack, stepped up to the table.
“Ok”, said the interviewer, “what’s your special talent?”
“I do bird imitations!”, replied Jack.
The interviewer sighed and shook his head. “I guess that about wraps it up!”, he said. “Listen, son, bird imitations are a dime a dozen!! No thanks.”
And with that, Jack gave a defiant “Fine !!”, and turned and flew out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvkwp/the_circus_was_in_town_and_was_taking/
%
"I wish for gender equality!"

*the genie waves his wand.*
"Well, I'm not sure how you guys will repopulate, but that's on you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvhwk/i_wish_for_gender_equality/
%
A couple walks down the street.

They talk about many things as they walk but eventually shift the topic of conversation to the weather.
The husband says, "Honey, we should hurry up before it starts to rain."
To which the wife replies, "I know these clouds dear, it is not going to rain."
The discussion goes on for sometime till they reach a police officer, presumably a Native American.
He has a badge on his chest that reads Rudolph.
The couple approach the officer.
Husband: "Officer..." (looks at badge), "Rudolph, do you think it's going to rain anytime soon?"
The officer replies, "You two should hurry up, it's going to be a downpour."
The couple walk away, a smile of satisfaction on the husband's face.
The wife is still not convinced, "How can he be so sure? He doesn't know what he's talking about."
To which the husband replies, "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvhpj/a_couple_walks_down_the_street/
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I once met Moby Dick’s dad...

His name was papa boner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvhnk/i_once_met_moby_dicks_dad/
%
An Italian tells a magical door, "Open!"

"Says who?" Asks the door. The man replies, "Open, says-a me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akvfjw/an_italian_tells_a_magical_door_open/
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First time posting on this sub

A man comes home from the pickle factory and tells his wife he was fired because he got his penis stuck in the pickle slicer.
“Oh my gosh are you okay!!” She says as she’s pulling down his pants to see if there’s anything wrong with it.
“I... don’t see anything wrong with with it. “What happened to the pickle slicer?” The mans wife asked with confusion
“Oh yeah, she was fired too”
Hope you all like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akve5x/first_time_posting_on_this_sub/
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Somewhere in an alternate universe...

A bunch of chickens are stuck at a lame wedding doing the ‘Human Dance.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akv5dx/somewhere_in_an_alternate_universe/
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Accounting is hard

I guess you could say its mentally taxing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akv3k4/accounting_is_hard/
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What Do You Call Fake Spaghetti?

An impasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akv30q/what_do_you_call_fake_spaghetti/
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What is it called when one biologist steals a petri dish from another biologist?

Cultural appropriation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akuzpc/what_is_it_called_when_one_biologist_steals_a/
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Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”

Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akuvr6/yesterday_a_beautiful_girl_asked_me_whether_i/
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Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akuvqg/out_walking_last_night_decided_to_take_short_cut/
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Thor: "I'm going to kill you with my Thor hammer, so prepare to die!"

Antman: "Ha, it's no match for my thorax!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akuv3t/thor_im_going_to_kill_you_with_my_thor_hammer_so/
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What do you call a Mexican Jedi youngling?

A padajuan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akuuvl/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_jedi_youngling/
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Why can men never be vegans

Vegans can’t beat their meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akus2g/why_can_men_never_be_vegans/
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A priest and a Rabbi...

are walking down the street together when the priest sees a little kid walking down the other side of the street.
The priest says to the Rabbi “Hey Rabbi, you see that little kid walking over there?”
The Rabbi says “yes”
The priest says to the Rabbi, “what do ya say we go over there and fuck him?”
The Rabbi replies “out of what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akuryy/a_priest_and_a_rabbi/
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My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akuoo9/my_job_is_to_drill_holes_in_things_and_then_bolt/
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I could tell you a joke about pegging...

... but it might come out kinda shitty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akuhh5/i_could_tell_you_a_joke_about_pegging/
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Just because someone is in a wheelchair

doesn't mean they'll let you push them around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akuhd8/just_because_someone_is_in_a_wheelchair/
%
My dad told me he was a necrophiliac. I thought he was joking....

but, he was dead-fucking serious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akufbm/my_dad_told_me_he_was_a_necrophiliac_i_thought_he/
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State of the world right now!

Young People have Energy and Time...But No Money
Adults have Energy and Money...But No Time
Old People have Time and Money... But No Energy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akubbc/state_of_the_world_right_now/
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Calling my handwriting chicken-scratch is offensive

To chickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akua8e/calling_my_handwriting_chickenscratch_is_offensive/
%
I don't get why people say xxxtentacion is so revolutionary.

Chris brown beat him to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aku47d/i_dont_get_why_people_say_xxxtentacion_is_so/
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I Always smoke after sex.,,

I should probably use lube and slow down...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aku0oo/i_always_smoke_after_sex/
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A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar

She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less."
The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aktzyi/a_sexy_woman_sits_down_next_to_a_guy_drinking/
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Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?

They do it for the Experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aktx3y/why_do_interns_make_the_best_dungeons_and_dragons/
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I love my optometrist

He’s a true visionary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aktroa/i_love_my_optometrist/
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To the person that stole my copy of Microsoft Office:

I will find you. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aktp6n/to_the_person_that_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft/
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Why are band and orchestra rated R?

All the sax and violins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aktlim/why_are_band_and_orchestra_rated_r/
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Why did God create Adam before Eve?

He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aktlde/why_did_god_create_adam_before_eve/
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Last Name Only

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look... I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name.  It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.  I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker .…  That’s all.  I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.  Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling.  My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aktk1p/last_name_only/
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TIL: A thousand years ago, a group of Native Americans tried to cross into Russia from Alaska but failed.

They couldn’t get their Bering Strait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akthxr/til_a_thousand_years_ago_a_group_of_native/
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Thankfully, my ex wife is against vaccines.

I'll only be paying 4 years of child support instead of 18!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aktf8a/thankfully_my_ex_wife_is_against_vaccines/
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My wife insisted we go and see the alligators crafted out of manure at the "contemporary" art gallery last night. My advice... don't go!

Turned out to be a croc of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akte26/my_wife_insisted_we_go_and_see_the_alligators/
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My son is currently studying how to run away from home.

He'll go far, that kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aktdop/my_son_is_currently_studying_how_to_run_away_from/
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I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.

I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though - I see a little silhouetto of a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aktcs0/i_just_downloaded_the_bohemian_rhapsody_movie/
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What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aktaj9/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_vegan/
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Flat Earth theory debunked

We can say with certainty that the Earth is not flat because if it was cats would have tossed everything off the edge already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aktaf7/flat_earth_theory_debunked/
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My girl likes to pretend she's 13 when we're in bed together

Which i told her is pointless & weird, because she'll be 13 next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akt78w/my_girl_likes_to_pretend_shes_13_when_were_in_bed/
%
I've combined alphabet soup and a laxative.

I call it "letter rip"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akt6ja/ive_combined_alphabet_soup_and_a_laxative/
%
Next time you call in sick for work tell them you have anal blindness, But if they ask what that is

Say :" I dont see my ass coming to work"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akt56o/next_time_you_call_in_sick_for_work_tell_them_you/
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How do you stop an evil mathematician who only uses binomials

You FOIL his plans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aksz34/how_do_you_stop_an_evil_mathematician_who_only/
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Today was the last day I expected to lose my virginity

And I was right..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aksy6s/today_was_the_last_day_i_expected_to_lose_my/
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If you have a green ball in your left hand and another green ball in your right what do you have?

The Hulk’s cock in your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aksuij/if_you_have_a_green_ball_in_your_left_hand_and/
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What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aksq6z/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
%
What's a big cat that can't hear?

Def Leppard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aksm9k/whats_a_big_cat_that_cant_hear/
%
What's the difference between oral and anal sex?

One makes your whole day, the other makes your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aksf5m/whats_the_difference_between_oral_and_anal_sex/
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Did you hear about the serial killer that got killed in a standoff with the police in an ice cream shop?

He got what he dessert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aksdlu/did_you_hear_about_the_serial_killer_that_got/
%
We were learning about superlatives in class,

They’re the worst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aksdbl/we_were_learning_about_superlatives_in_class/
%
My dyslexia is a little unique. I often end up reading words backwards, without realising, and it annoys the hell out of people. I sit by my bed and pray every single night for it to go away, "maybe he'll fix it", I thought...

After all, God is a man's best friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aksbsd/my_dyslexia_is_a_little_unique_i_often_end_up/
%
Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.
"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.
"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient and arrives on time every day without fail. 20 years, and never a minute late, quite incredible."
"Secret ingredient?"
"Oh yes, he adds mussels and oysters to the fuel. Reckons it gives a boost."
"So why is he late today? Think he got fed up and quit?"
"Oh no, not Bob. He just has low shellfish steam."
I make no apologies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aks7ea/two_old_men_were_waiting_for_their_steam_train/
%
Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. "I'll make three predictions. If each one comes true before the day is over, you return here and pay me $50. But if all three don't come true, I will close up and never work again." Bill laughed. "Well what if you're wrong?" "I've never been wrong." Retorted the psychic. "It's why I'm still in business.
Bill agreed, and the psychic peered into his crystal ball. "I see it. For my first prediction, your car be towed." Bill just rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say." The psychic continued. "For my second prediction, you will come in first in the city's marathon." "But that's today." Bill said. "And it's already started. There's no way that'll come true. "The psychic ignored Bill and continued. "For my third prediction, you will come across a pregnant man." After hearing that, Bill got up and walked away. This so called psychic was clearly crazy.
Bill stepped back outside just in time to see his car getting towed away. As it turns out, he parked in front of a fire hydrant. As the truck drove off with his car, Bill stared dumbfounded. The psychic's prediction came true. He quickly snapped out of it and chased after his car.
Bill lost sight of the truck after a couple of minutes, but kept running. Suddenly, he heard cheering. He looked around and saw that he was surrounded by a crowd. He'd run straight into the city's marathon. And he came in first. He couldn't believe it. He just stood there stunned. Minutes later, the other runners came in behind him. Exhausted, one of them reached for his water bottle, only to accidentally drop out and have it's contents spill onto the ground.
The runner yelled out "Fuck! My water broke!" And Bill took $50 out of his wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aks28g/bill_is_out_for_a_drive_and_comes_across_a_place/
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What's brown, and sounds like a bell?

#Duunnnngggggg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akrzwo/whats_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
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Paddy goes for a job, boss man says it is £10.00 per hour rising to £15.00 per hour after 6 months, when can you start? Paddy says.

In 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akrzba/paddy_goes_for_a_job_boss_man_says_it_is_1000_per/
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Apparently, Nevada has the highest rate of depression and disloyal partners.

What a sad state of affairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akro9n/apparently_nevada_has_the_highest_rate_of/
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Lazy people find the most strangest reasons not to do something.

I would make a list but, it's Monday and I just fed the cats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akrezx/lazy_people_find_the_most_strangest_reasons_not/
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Give a man a meme and he'll have fun for a minute.

Give a man Reddit and he'll be reposting for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akrb7u/give_a_man_a_meme_and_hell_have_fun_for_a_minute/
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What the relationship between two stars?

Solmates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akr2il/what_the_relationship_between_two_stars/
%
What do you call a porn actor with bad aim?

Mr. Completely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akqvqk/what_do_you_call_a_porn_actor_with_bad_aim/
%
The clairvoyant and her boyfriend got engaged after only two dates.

It was love at second sight, they said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akqso3/the_clairvoyant_and_her_boyfriend_got_engaged/
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I always looks for a chick who is into bad boys.

Because I'm pretty much bad at everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akqnkn/i_always_looks_for_a_chick_who_is_into_bad_boys/
%
What did the doe say when it left the forest?

"That's the last time I do that for a couple bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akqm4v/what_did_the_doe_say_when_it_left_the_forest/
%
All abusers never took calculus...

because if they did, they would know their limits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akqfpc/all_abusers_never_took_calculus/
%
We don’t do reverse cowgirl down here in the south

Never turn your back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akqemd/we_dont_do_reverse_cowgirl_down_here_in_the_south/
%
A young man was standing in line in the supermarket..

... When he notices a hot brunette waving at him and smiling. He was surprised to see such a gorgeous woman notice him and he felt he knew her from somewhere, no idea where, so he asked her:
"Excuse me, do we know each other from somewhere?
She replied:"I may be mistaken, but i think you are the of father of one of my kids.".
The man starts thinking when it hit him. He said:
"Oh my God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party who i fucked on the pool table in front of all my friends while the other stripper girl whipped my ass with wet celery and was putting a cucumber up my butt??"
"No," she replied, " I'm your sons English teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akqbb3/a_young_man_was_standing_in_line_in_the/
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I have a pet baguette that remains in it's cage.

It's bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akqb7s/i_have_a_pet_baguette_that_remains_in_its_cage/
%
I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akq8ob/i_remember_when_i_was_a_kid_i_could_go_to_the/
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Did you guys hear about that super-rare porno film that’s apparently the least-sexy pornography ever created?

It’s said to be very hard to come by.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akq66u/did_you_guys_hear_about_that_superrare_porno_film/
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Smoking weed is giving me terrible diarrhea...

Doc told me to shit or get off the pot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akq42m/smoking_weed_is_giving_me_terrible_diarrhea/
%
Is your refrigerator running?

Because I may vote for it in 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akpy08/is_your_refrigerator_running/
%
It was so foggy this morning and I tried to grab some of the fog

Sadly, I mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akpuhj/it_was_so_foggy_this_morning_and_i_tried_to_grab/
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A bus full of nuns crashes

Upon reaching the pearly gates of heaven the nuns form a line and wait to be questioned by St. Peter at the door.  The first nun approaches the gates and St. Peter says to her, "Sister, have you ever touched a penis before?"
"Just with the tip of my little finger" she says.
"Very well, dip your finger into the holy water and you may enter" replies St. Peter.
The next nun in line approaches St. Peter and he asks her the same question. "Sister, have you ever touched a penis before?"
"Just with this hand" says the sister.
St. Peter tells her to dip her hand into the holy water and she may enter.
Suddenly, a commotion breaks out in the back of the line.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, sisters there is no need to push. You will all get your chance to enter the kingdom of heaven" says St. Peter.
A voice from the back chirps up, "Oh Hell No! If I'm gonna have to gargle that water I'm doing it before sister Mary dips her ass in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akpsnr/a_bus_full_of_nuns_crashes/
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I dig, you dig, we dig.

He digs, she digs, they dig.
It's certainly not the most beautiful poem in the world, but it's incredibly deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akpqj6/i_dig_you_dig_we_dig/
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When it comes to board games about buying real estate...

Hasbro really has the Monopoly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akpmhs/when_it_comes_to_board_games_about_buying_real/
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Hot women are like magnets

I don't understand them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akpln5/hot_women_are_like_magnets/
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Reincarnation

Dave, who was completely wasted, returns home late at night and slips into bed next to his wife Susan, who was already tight asleep.
When he woke up, he saw a weird looking man standing next to his bed in a long white dress.
-"Who are you?", asked Dave.
-"I'm Saint Peter!"
-"Does that mean i'm dead??"
-"Yes!"
-"But there are so many things i still haven't done in my life, i didn't even say goodbye to my family... You gotta take me back!"
-"You can be reincarnated but there is a catch. I can send you back, but only as a dog or a chicken."
-"Its better if i became a chicken, there is a farm close to our house"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers, a white light shines and Dave finds himself covered in feathers, pecking with other chickens. A rooster comes up to him and says:
-"I see you are new here. How are you enjoying your first day?"
-"Yeah, well, its really nice here, but i have a strange feeling inside me - like i'm going to explode!"
-"That is nothing special. Don't tell me you never laid an egg? If you haven't, just relax and nature will do its thing.
And so Dave relaxes, and after a few moments an egg pops out of him. And Dave felt such satisfaction because for the first time he felt motherhood. After he laid another egg, he was hit with a wave of emotions and realized that his reincarnation into a chicken was the best thing that has happened to him.. well EVER! The feeling was phenomenal and just as he was about to lay his third egg, something hit his head and he heard Susan yelling:
"Wake up you drunk asshole, you are shitting the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akpi0a/reincarnation/
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Still my favorite joke :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akphlk/still_my_favorite_joke/
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What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards

Gibberish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akph0r/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_gibberish_backwards/
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What do you call a tree who commits espionage?

A leaves-dropper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akpfr1/what_do_you_call_a_tree_who_commits_espionage/
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It's almost christmas time and two prostitutes are talking to each other

One says to the other: 'So, what are you going to ask of Santa?'
Says the other: 'I think my regular price.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akpcul/its_almost_christmas_time_and_two_prostitutes_are/
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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akpcdy/this_is_the_dirty_joke_my_85yo_grandad_told_to/
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Asked my friend why he got wasted in a gay bar

He said he wasn't thinking straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akpb1e/asked_my_friend_why_he_got_wasted_in_a_gay_bar/
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What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akp9kt/what_do_you_call_a_snowman_with_a_six_pack/
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Bush hunters

Two Newfoundland hunters, Otis and Elmer, got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Otis and Elmer survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Otis asked, "Any idea where we are?"
Elmer replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akp9ih/bush_hunters/
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Two students are taking a physics exam

One of them enters and the professor says:
-Imagine you are riding a train and its really hot inside. What would you do?
-Well,i'd open the window.
-Excellent. Now, the windows surface is 1,5m^2, your compartments volume is 12m^3, train is going west at the speed of 80km/h, the wind is blowing south at 5m/s. How long will it take for your compartment to cool down?
The student has no idea and fails the exam. He leaves and tells the other student what has happened. The second student enters and the professor starts the same story:
-You are riding a train and its very hot inside. What do you do?
-I take off my jacket.
-But it's really hot!
-Then i would take off my shirt.
-But its a really high temperature and you are still feeling very warm!
-Then i would take off my pants and socks.
The professor gets pissed and says:
-What if there is black guy sitting across you and getting hard while you undress. What would you then?
And the student replies:
-I'D LET THE ENTIRE TRAIN FUCK ME IN THE ASS IF THEY WANT TO BUT I AIN'T OPENING THAT WINDOW!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akp7rd/two_students_are_taking_a_physics_exam/
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I hate when people use words without knowing their meaning.

It's like they want to show off how many photosynthesis they are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akp7bd/i_hate_when_people_use_words_without_knowing/
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Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.
“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “There are some cute shops and restaurants, and it’s only a five minute walk around the corner.”
Frank the penguin agrees, and figures he’ll take a look at the quant town center. Sure enough, he arrives in no time and the mechanic couldn’t have been more on point- Frank almost wishes he had more time to kill!
Frank the penguin, being a penguin, is starting to feel the heat at this point, and looks around for an opportunity to cool off. Identifying a busy little ice cream shop, Frank exclaims, “Wow, that ice cream looks amazing right now! What a great opportunity to cool off a bit!” So Frank waits in line, and when given the opportunity, orders a large vanilla ice cream with whipped cream.
After receiving the ice cream, Frank is hit with a momentary road block: being a penguin, he can’t hold the spoon! Considering his options for a moment, he decides, “You know what, fuck it. I’m just gonna go for it!” and he buries his beak and face directly into the delicious ice cream. He devours it all in less than a minute. “Wow, that was tasty- and refreshing!”
After he’s done, Frank glances at his watch, and sees that the car should be ready by now. He makes his way back over to the mechanic.
Upon arriving, the mechanic looks Frank up and down. After a moment, he says, “Well, it looks like you just blew a seal.” Frank quickly shakes his head and says, “No no no, it’s just vanilla ice cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akp59o/frank_the_penguin_is_driving_down_the_highway_in/
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What do you say when you catch the person who stole your tricycle?

Wheel wheel wheel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akp051/what_do_you_say_when_you_catch_the_person_who/
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The dean of a conservative college was mad that boys kept entering the girls dorm.... He called a general assembly and said:

"It is unacceptable for anyone to enter the dormitory of the opposite sex! If anyone is caught doing this from now on, it will result in a $100 fine for the first offence. If the same individual is caught a second time, the fine is $500, and for a third offence, the fine is $1000! Does anyone have any questions?"
A male student in the back immediately raised his hand and asked: "Sir, how much for a subscription?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akoyuy/the_dean_of_a_conservative_college_was_mad_that/
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A woman goes to see her doctor and says, "Doctor, I have an embarrassing problem."

She continues, "I have terrible gas all day every day. In fact, I must have broken wind 4 times since I have been in this room.Luckily for me, the farts are completely silent and have no smell, but I'd still like something to help me with this."
The doctor writes her prescription and sets an appointment for her to come back the following week.
When she returns, the woman says "Doctor, I don't know what was in that medicine you gave me, but now my farts smell terrible all the time!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it seems we fixed your sense of smell. Now let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akoy4b/a_woman_goes_to_see_her_doctor_and_says_doctor_i/
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I told a girl to text me when she got home

She must be homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akoy2a/i_told_a_girl_to_text_me_when_she_got_home/
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A teacher tells a class that nobody is dumb.

She then says to the class, "Stand up if you think you are dumb."
Everyone remains seated.
"Anyone?"
Finally, One student in the back of the class decides to stand up.
"Johnny! Do you really think you're dumb?"
"No, teacher." He replies, "But I hate to see you standing alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akovbw/a_teacher_tells_a_class_that_nobody_is_dumb/
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A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar.

The bartender says to the bouncer, "Seriously, Frankie, why are we even paying you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akouhr/a_horse_a_dog_and_a_penguin_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call the wife of a hippie?

Mississippi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akooco/what_do_you_call_the_wife_of_a_hippie/
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I’m worried about my finger nails lately.

They are really getting out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akonvx/im_worried_about_my_finger_nails_lately/
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When my grandfather was dying we struggled to figure out his blood type. He just kept telling us to be positive.

and then they just gave him o-negative because it works with all blood types

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akomho/when_my_grandfather_was_dying_we_struggled_to/
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A groupie was about to hook up with an NBA player, but she looked at his penis and screamed.

"Why does the tattoo on your dick say AIDS???"
"Give it a second," he said. "I'm sponsored by ADIDAS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akois5/a_groupie_was_about_to_hook_up_with_an_nba_player/
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A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.

They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.
"Honey, do you want a beer?"
"Yes."
"Yes."
She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.
The husband looks wryly at the gentleman next to him..
"Hmm.." he begins thinking. "How did *he* know I wanted a beer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akoi9e/a_wifes_husband_and_her_lover_end_up_at_the_same/
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Three aspiring lawyers walk into a bar.

Just kidding, they passed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akogbm/three_aspiring_lawyers_walk_into_a_bar/
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We were at McDonalds racing down the slides and I beat my son

I explained to the police it was because he was trying to cheat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akog0z/we_were_at_mcdonalds_racing_down_the_slides_and_i/
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What is the first thing a depressed person does when they wake up?

Their mourning routine. :-(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akodzf/what_is_the_first_thing_a_depressed_person_does/
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My friend died when he couldn't remember his blood type ...

He kept repeating "Be Positive" as he was in my arms, but it's really hard to stay positive without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ako6y9/my_friend_died_when_he_couldnt_remember_his_blood/
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Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.
Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've worn for decades.
"What is the meaning of this," Satan demands.  "You two almost seem comfortable."
"Oh don't you know," answers Ole, "this is the first time we've been warm in years."
*Okay* think Satan.  *I'm gonna really turn up the heat and see how these two like it*.  "We'll see if you're still laughing in a minute."  Satan instructs a demon to really pour the coals on and proceeds to go check on his other chargers.
He returns a while later, and to his astonishment, finds Ole and Sven stripped down to their boxers and sweating a little, but still with huge smiles on their faces.  "What is the meaning of this!", he exclaims!
"Uff da", answers Sven.  "It's gettin' a little warm down here, but after decades of Minnesota cold, we can finally feel our bones start to thaw.  We're warm for the first time in our lives, mister."
Feeling more than a little desperate, Satan thinks of a new plan.  "Alright" he retorts, "you two were sent down here to suffer.  Maybe the best environment for that is one like your miserable home land!"  Satan then instructs his demons to make Hell *freeze*.  Heaters are exchanged for supernatural A/Cs.  Liquid nitrogen tanks are plugged in - the works.  Satan leaves to go attend other business.
He returns again a short time later expecting to find Ole and Sven miserable from being in the bitter cold once again.  To his bewilderment, Ole and Sven are redressed in there parkas and hats, but are hoopin' and hollerin' like never before.
Defeated, Satan asks, "What is it with you guys?  I make Hell hotter than ever and you guys enjoy it.  I make it colder than anything even you two have experienced and you're still full of joy.  What is going on?!"
"Well," answers Ole, "for the first time in our lives, we were able feel warm, which felt pretty good.  But now, with hell froze over, that can only mean one thing!"
"The Minnesota Vikings have won the Super Bowl!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ako57x/ole_and_sven_go_to_hell/
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Internet humor is so selfish

It's all about meme meme meme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ako4y6/internet_humor_is_so_selfish/
%
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...

I can never get a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ako37w/every_time_i_ask_someone_what_the_acronym_lgbtq/
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What's the difference between Bad Karma and Reddit Karma?

You get Bad Karma by stealing other people's belongings. You get Reddit Karma by stealing other people's jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ako31p/whats_the_difference_between_bad_karma_and_reddit/
%
Did you hear about the new constipation movie?

It hasn’t come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ako0yl/did_you_hear_about_the_new_constipation_movie/
%
There is a conspiracy theory that claims Princess Diana was on the radio after her reported death.

I'd like to confirm this was completely true, she WAS on the radio, and the dashboard, the steering wheel, the back of the seats and the windscreen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ako01z/there_is_a_conspiracy_theory_that_claims_princess/
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Why do suicide bomber come to reddit after dying?

It's where the promised virgins are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ako00w/why_do_suicide_bomber_come_to_reddit_after_dying/
%
When I traveled to London last summer I overheard a couple in a cafe. Girl goes, "I can’t be arsed today. I’m on my period!"

"Well, that's a bloody problem." he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aknyio/when_i_traveled_to_london_last_summer_i_overheard/
%
A little boy is crying on a bench in the park.

A passer-by stops and asks him why he is crying.
The boy says: “My mom gave me a dollar to get something from the shop but I lost it, and I’m afraid to go home now!”
The passer-by decides to make the kid’s day and gives him a dollar - but the kid only starts crying louder...
“Why are you crying now?”, he asks.
The kid says: “I wish I’d said five dollars now!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aknrzn/a_little_boy_is_crying_on_a_bench_in_the_park/
%
If you have enough money, always buy the big box of condoms

That way you will always have one during hard times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aknmpx/if_you_have_enough_money_always_buy_the_big_box/
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My friend says Oklahoma is a terrible state.

I think they’re OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aknln8/my_friend_says_oklahoma_is_a_terrible_state/
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How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glove box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aknjyd/how_did_they_know_that_princess_diana_had_dandruff/
%
What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akni6a/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
%
A man was consulting his psychiatrist.

Among other questions, the doctor asked.
"Are you troubled by improper thoughts?"
"Why no!" answered the patient.
"To tell the truth doctor, I rather enjoy them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aknh6y/a_man_was_consulting_his_psychiatrist/
%
"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.
"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."
"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.
"No," replied the doctor.
"They're the only things we can slip under the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aknglb/you_have_a_very_rare_and_extremely_contagious/
%
A lecturer had reached one of his most important points

"He who gives in when he is wrong is wise: but the man who gives in when he is right is..."
"Married," someone shouted from the audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aknf8c/a_lecturer_had_reached_one_of_his_most_important/
%
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akndlt/when_i_was_a_kid_my_parents_would_always_say/
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I thought I got a bad haircut

But it kind of grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akndkw/i_thought_i_got_a_bad_haircut/
%
Saw a dog in the park this morning that was a cross between a cockerpoo and a labradoodle.

A cocker doodle poo, if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akna1b/saw_a_dog_in_the_park_this_morning_that_was_a/
%
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akn9il/my_flatearther_friend_decided_to_walk_to_the_end/
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A man saw an epitaph in a cemetery which read: 'Here lies an honest man and politician.'

'Shame,' he cried, 'two people in the same grave!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akn95r/a_man_saw_an_epitaph_in_a_cemetery_which_read/
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My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akn92c/my_wife_has_kicked_me_out_of_the_house_because_of/
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The monk and the student

In one school the teacher was a monk. Most of all he loved to have a snack and a nap afterwards. Every time before the lessons he ate so much that he could barely move.
Soon after the beginning of the lessons he always took a nap and slept until the bell for the end of the lessons sounded.
The son of a poor villager was a student in the same school. His name was Lee. One time Lee asked the monk:
- Teacher, may I ask you why do you sleep in all our lessons?
- My friend – replied the monk without any embarrassment. - It just seems that way. During these minutes I meet with Buddha and listen to His wise words. That's why I try to sleep as much as I can.
One time Lee took care of his sick father during the night and fell asleep at school in the morning. He slept so deeply that he didn't hear the bell, which woke the monk.
When the monk saw the sleeping boy, he got very angry, took Lee by the ear and started screaming:
- Ah, you, little weasel! How dare you fall asleep in my class?
- Teacher – said Lee – It just seemed that I slept. I was with Buddha and listened to His wise words.
- And what did the all-powerful Buddha say to you?
- The all-powerful Buddha told me:” Never in my life have I seen your teacher”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akn856/the_monk_and_the_student/
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A young doctor was just setting up his first office when he was told by his secretary that there was a man that wanted to see him.

The doctor wanted to make a good first impression by having the man think he was successful and very busy. He told his secretary to show the man in. At that moment, the doctor picked up the telephone and pretended to be having a conversation with a patient.
The man waited until the "conversation" was over. Then, the doctor put the telephone down and asked, "Can I help you?" To which the man replied, "No, I'm just here to connect your telephone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akn29t/a_young_doctor_was_just_setting_up_his_first/
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I asked a scientist what would happen if my body temperature hit absolute zero.

He said I'd be 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmxxh/i_asked_a_scientist_what_would_happen_if_my_body/
%
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I am having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It is a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
"Then why did you eat him?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmva0/a_threeyearold_walked_up_to_a_pregnant_lady_while/
%
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmtjq/my_dad_showed_me_a_30_minute_powerpoint/
%
My fridge has an annoying habit to make noise if I leave it open too long

I wish it would just chill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmsrl/my_fridge_has_an_annoying_habit_to_make_noise_if/
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Phonecall from ex

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmsed/phonecall_from_ex/
%
What do you get a hunter for his birthday?

A birthday pheasant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmsdv/what_do_you_get_a_hunter_for_his_birthday/
%
What do you call a video of someone's feet?

Footage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmsb0/what_do_you_call_a_video_of_someones_feet/
%
Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he could not see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akms1q/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
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It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week, I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Just give me something with diamonds.”
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmrw8/its_my_wifes_birthday_tomorrow_last_week_i_asked/
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A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmr9w/a_woman_in_labor_suddenly_shouted_shouldnt/
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Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmqz7/did_you_hear_about_the_monkeys_who_shared_an/
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I tried studying Anesthesiology....

.... But I wasnt feeling it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmkk9/i_tried_studying_anesthesiology/
%
I think my boss just made me his sexual advisor

He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it"
Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmilc/i_think_my_boss_just_made_me_his_sexual_advisor/
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A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, "Shit man, I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a good, solid reason for your insane speeding that I've never heard before, I promise you that I will let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied, "Officer, few years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back." The cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmiba/a_pensioner_drove_his_brand_new_mercedes_benz_to/
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A lawyer in Los Angeles helped make history last month

His client was a UPS driver accused of sexually harassing a woman while dropping off a package. He figured his best chance to win was to fill the jury with people who saw this behaviour as normal. So, he manipulated the process to fill the jury exclusively with male porn stars. It was the first time that a hung jury was declared before the trial even started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmgre/a_lawyer_in_los_angeles_helped_make_history_last/
%
My uncle always used to say "Fight fire with fire"

That's probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akmfpt/my_uncle_always_used_to_say_fight_fire_with_fire/
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I've just signed up to the slimming world website.

Once I've logged in, it asked me to accept cookies.
I think it's a test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akm9qp/ive_just_signed_up_to_the_slimming_world_website/
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If Donald Trump had really wanted Hillary Clinton locked up, he should have just…

…given her a job on his campaign team…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akm6sv/if_donald_trump_had_really_wanted_hillary_clinton/
%
An elderly man, feeling ill, goes to the doctor with his wife.

The doctor examines him, then asks to speak to the wife alone.
"What is it, Doctor?"
"I'm sorry to say, your husband is terribly ill and only has a few months to live."
"Is there anything we can do?" the wife asks in desperation.
The doctor thinks, then says "Well... there is one thing that sometimes works.  It's a long shot, but it might do the trick."
"What?  Tell me, Doctor, anything!"
"Go home, and every day, from now on, make all his favorite meals-- breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, everything he asks for, fulfill his every wish, and have sexual intercourse with him every single night, maybe even twice a day."
The wife goes out to her husband, who asks, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akm6ax/an_elderly_man_feeling_ill_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
A huge thank you to my neighbour, who lent me her large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akm5qz/a_huge_thank_you_to_my_neighbour_who_lent_me_her/
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Three girls are sitting in a bar talking about how loose they are

One can fit a cucumber, the other can fit a sausage and the third girl slides down the barstool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akm5hg/three_girls_are_sitting_in_a_bar_talking_about/
%
I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.
Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akm5bf/i_failed_my_driving_test_today_i_was_driving_down/
%
Why are the cow, whale and ant best friends?

Because they form cow-whale-ant bond

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akm4cf/why_are_the_cow_whale_and_ant_best_friends/
%
A Muslim walks into a bar

and walks back out again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akm0ho/a_muslim_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why are North Koreans always sad?

Because they are Seoulless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aklvy9/why_are_north_koreans_always_sad/
%
Why is Jesus so strong?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aklswv/why_is_jesus_so_strong/
%
I went to a premature ejaculators conference, no one was there....I came too early.

Didn't know what to wear so I just came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aklk9u/i_went_to_a_premature_ejaculators_conference_no/
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What kind of nuts does Donald Trump likes

Walnut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aklif7/what_kind_of_nuts_does_donald_trump_likes/
%
Argentina is surprisingly cold at this time of the year.

It’s bordering on Chile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aklhhl/argentina_is_surprisingly_cold_at_this_time_of/
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I was in a pub last night telling my friend a joke:

“What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath..... throw the washing in." However, the bloke on the next table said, "My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died."
Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up I’d have been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"
He said, "No; he choked on a sock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aklglw/i_was_in_a_pub_last_night_telling_my_friend_a_joke/
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What turns "No, no, no" into "Mmmmmmm"?

Duct tape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aklfkt/what_turns_no_no_no_into_mmmmmmm/
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Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akla6g/why_did_my_washing_machine_stop_pumping_out_water/
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i threw a boomerang a few years ago

i now live i constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akl8o0/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
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Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akl7oc/sheila_walked_into_the_kitchen_to_find_bruce/
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There’s a fucking gay man in this pub.....

Gimme a kiss and I’ll tell you who it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akl6s7/theres_a_fucking_gay_man_in_this_pub/
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What does Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common?

They both used their brains to paint ceilings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akl23h/what_does_kurt_cobain_and_michaelangelo_have_in/
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What was the name of Schrodinger's cat?

InterMittens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akky7o/what_was_the_name_of_schrodingers_cat/
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Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass!

The rest is your mama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akkxfu/interesting_fact_the_sun_makes_up_9986_of_the/
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Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.
Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leaving Lee in the dust, knowing that he could probably find a better friend. But Isaac was too loyal, and kept by Lee’s side.
One day, Lee came to Isaac with a smirk on his face. He exclaimed that he had devised a plan for a bank heist. He wanted Isaac to help him execute the heist with him. He was going through the entire plan, and Isaac was just speechless with shock. He never thought that Lee would become a full-on criminal.
Lee pops the question to Isaac: “So what do ya say? You in?” Isaac says with frustration, “What!? You’re insane, Lee Smart!”
“Yeah, I know, man. So are you in?”
(This is my first attempt at an original joke. That’s why it sucks.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akksj0/lee_smart_was_always_a_trouble_maker_throughout/
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Two farmers are having a conversation over a fence...

One farmer looks over the other's shoulder and spots two cows grazing on the field behind him.
He asks the farmer "-By the way, how much milk do you actually get out of a cow?"
"The white one or the black one?" The other farmer asks.
"Oh, the white one then." Says the first farmer. "About half a gallon a day." answers the other.
"What about the black one then?" Says the first farmer. "About half a gallon a day." Says the other.
"Okay?..." the first farmer says in a confused tone. "What do you feed them?"
"The white one or the black one?" The other farmer reiterates.
"Uhm, the white one." The first farmer asks. "Mostly grass and hay." the other answers.
"What about the black one then?..." Says the first farmer. "Mostly grass and Hay." the other repeats.
"Why do you keep asking if I mean the white or black one when your answer's the same?" The farmer finally asks.
"Oh, because the white one is mine." He answers. "Oooh." The first farmer replies. "Who owns the black one then?"
"Oh that one's mine too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akkk3f/two_farmers_are_having_a_conversation_over_a_fence/
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I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with? "

“Yes... but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akkjqq/i_asked_my_wife_am_i_the_only_one_youve_been_with/
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A girl walks into a tattoo parlor and explains that she's always wanted a tattoo of her favorite country music star on the inside of her thigh...

She's really conflicted though, because she can't decide between her two favorites, Conway Twitty or George Jones.
The tattoo artist offers a solution: he would do both Conway Twitty AND George Jones, one on each thigh, for only $200 with a free money-back guarantee...if she doesn't like his work, she doesn't have to pay.
She agrees that's a hell of a deal, so she hops up in the chair, hikes up her skirt and the tattoo artist goes straight to work. He works with dedication and concentration throughout most of the day, first on one thigh and then the other. Hours pass before he finally finishes. He stands up and admires his work and holding a mirror between the girl's knees, he asks her what she thinks of the two tattoos.
"That looks nothing like Conway Twitty OR George Jones," the girl shouts, "and I'm not paying you one damn dollar!"
"The hell you're not," replied the tattoo artist, "this is some of the best work I've ever done!"
"BULLSHIT!" screams the girl, "I ain't paying!"
The artist has an idea. "Tell you what," he says, "let's put it to a vote. We'll go outside and ask the first person we see what they think of the tattoos. If they can recognize Conway & George, you're paying! If not, they're free."
The girl agrees, and the two walk outside. There happens to be a homeless man, clearly drunk and sitting on the sidewalk outside the tattoo shop, and the tattoo artist approaches him and explains their predicament and asks the man to judge the tattoos to see if he can recognize who they are.
The homeless man agrees to help, so the girl walks over to where he is sitting, lifts her skirt and opens her legs in the man's face so he can get a good look at the two tattoos.
The homeless man, stroking his chin, carefully studies first one tattoo, then the other, then goes back to the first. Several minutes go by and this continues, the homeless man looking back and forth every minute or so until finally the girl says, "Well, what do you think? Do you recognize these guys or not?! I don't have all day!"
"Well," the homeless man says, pointing at one tattooed thigh, "I dont know who this is, and I don't recognize the other feller neither, but goddammit if that ain't old Willie Nelson there in the middle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akkerz/a_girl_walks_into_a_tattoo_parlor_and_explains/
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How does the alchemist please his wife?

Elixir

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akkb58/how_does_the_alchemist_please_his_wife/
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I was watching the Ted Bundy tapes on Netflix

When he was first arrested, the police departments from the different states got together in a hotel to have a conference and share knowledge with each other.
It was the world’s first Ted Talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akk95w/i_was_watching_the_ted_bundy_tapes_on_netflix/
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3 explorers are lost deep in the jungle.

After days of desperate wandering they stumble upon a tribal village, where they are quickly captured and brought before the Chief.
The Chief adresses the first explorer and demands, "you! Death, or bobo?"
The first explorer, longing for his young wife, says, "I promised my wife I would return, so I suppose, bobo?"
The first explorer is taken to a pole in n the centre of the village where the tribesmen sodomise him and, broken, they cut him down and release him into the jungle.
Next day the Chief adresses the second explorer.., "you! Death, or bobo?"
The second explorer, longing to return to the homeland, figures its worth it. "I will see my home again, and so I too choose bobo"
And he too is brought to the pole, sodomized by all the village men and cut loose into the jungle.
Next day the Chief adresses the third explorer, but he is having none of it. "I die with my dignity for king and country! I choose Death"
"Very well" says the Chief "Death.. by bobo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akk8bx/3_explorers_are_lost_deep_in_the_jungle/
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What’s the difference between a Blonde and a Mosquito?

A Mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akk7u5/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a/
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Donald Trump walks into a bar

He lowers it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akk50x/donald_trump_walks_into_a_bar/
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My girlfriend wanted me to put more trust in her

So i name my penis trust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akk3ua/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_put_more_trust_in_her/
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A man frantically calls 911,

And says, "Help! My friend and I were in the woods and he collapsed onto the ground, I think he just died!"
The 911 dispatcher thinks for a minute, then calmly responds with, "Well, we need to make sure he's dead."
A moment passed, and the dispatcher heard a gunshot, then the man said, "Okay, what now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akk2m7/a_man_frantically_calls_911/
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A man is driving down the road and gets pulled over

When the cop gets to the car, he tells the man, “Excuse me, sir. But it seems that your wife fell out of the car a few miles back.” The man lets out a sigh, “Oh, thank God. I thought I went deaf.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akjzxq/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_gets_pulled/
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After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from a long line of some of the best bell ringers in Europe, and I can assure you that I'm more than capable of the task. I can demonstrate if you'd like." The priest replies "Yes, absolutely!" and leads him up to the bell tower. Once they get there, the little man asks the priest to step back, takes a running start and slams his forehead against one of the huge bells. The bell rings out and all the Parisians down below look up and smile as the wonderful sound that's been absent for so long. "That's amazing!" shouts the priest "Can you do that every hour without injuring yourself?". "Yes! Of course! I've been doing this for years so I'm used to it." says the little man. "Well..." says the priest, "I'm impressed! The job is yours and you can start immediately." The little man is overjoyed. He steps back, takes another running start and slams into the bell again. As the priest looks on, he jogs back and takes another run at the bell, but trips on the uneven floor, stumbles and falls out the window smashing onto the stone courtyard below. By the time the priest runs down from the bell tower, the locals have gathered around the dead man. "Who was he?" one asks. "He just applied for the bell ringer job. Oh, this is terrible!". Another person asks "What happened?". "He accidentally tripped and fell." said the horrified priest. "What was his name?", asked a woman. The priest thinks for a minute and says "You know... he never told me, but his face rings a bell."
\*\*\*If you made it this far, here's the second part:\*\*\*
A week later, there's a knock on the doors of the Cathedral.  When the same priest opens the doors, he's shocked see another strange little man who looks identical to the man who died, but he has both of his arms.  "Can I help you?" he asks the man.  "Yes, I hope so.  My brother applied for the bell ringer position here last week..."  "Yes! Yes!" interrupts the priest "I'm so sorry! It was a terrible accident!".  The man says "It okay.  I understand.  It's one of the risks of the job, but I'd like to fill in for my brother if the position is still available."  "Of course!" says the priest, "but I'll need some proof that you can do the job.  Just a formality... I hope you understand".  "Of course!" says the man.  "I'd be happy to give you a demonstration."  The priest leads him up the bell tower, and the little man asks him to stand back.  He grabs the ropes and begins swinging up and down with all of his weight.  The bells ring out, and the Parisians look up again and smile at the familiar sound.  The priest is delighted.  "That's wonderful!  You're hired and can start immediately!"  The little man is so happy at the news, he begins ringing the bells with all his might.  He's swinging up and down, and side to side as beautiful sound fills the streets below.  He's swinging so hard that the old, worn rope snaps and the man bounces off the ground and rolls out the window onto the same stone courtyard where his brother died. Once again, the locals gather around the dead body as the priest rushes down from the bell tower.  "What happened?" one asks.  "Oh my God, this is terrible" the priest cries "The rope broke and he fell!".  "What was his name?" asks another local.  The priest thinks for a minute and says "Funny... he didn't say, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akjyqh/after_quasimodo_died_notre_dame_cathedral_needed/
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A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akjvet/a_new_carbonated_beverage_mimics_the_sounds_of_a/
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Q: A man walks into the bar and sees a sign:

Handjob: $5  Cheese sandwich: $2     He walks over to the bartender, a big boobied blonde, and asks,     “Are you the one giving out handjobs?”     “Why yes I am!”, she replied, smiling and sticking out her chest.     “Okay,” he said.     A: “Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akjtoa/q_a_man_walks_into_the_bar_and_sees_a_sign/
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A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akjsfl/a_daughter_asked_her_mother_mom_how_do_you_spell/
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Old People Problems

Old people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.”
“Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.”
“We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked!  “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could open the dang jar.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akjq40/old_people_problems/
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You know why a dog licks his balls?

Your Mom was busy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akjpps/you_know_why_a_dog_licks_his_balls/
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Guy gets pulled over by a policeman on a motorcycle...

Cop comes up and says "You know why I pulled you over?"
Guy says "yes, I was going way over the limit but I am running super late for work"
Cop says "and what could be so imperative that makes you rush to work. What type of work do you do?"
Guy responds "I'm a rectum stretcher!"
Cop says "Ok, you will have to tell me exactly what that is because I have never heard of that"
So the guy says "well, when someone comes in for a rectum stretching, I tell them to drop trousers and I start lubing them. Once I can get a finger in there, I move up to my hand, then my arm. Once they are open wide like that, work gets easier and in no time, I can stretch them up to 6 feet"
Cop says "And what the hell would you do with a 6-foot ass-hole?"
"Well" the guy says "you mount him on a bike, give him a radar gun and put him on the side of the highway"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akjm5o/guy_gets_pulled_over_by_a_policeman_on_a/
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How to make your Speedo work for you

Former competitive swimmer likes to wear his Speedo to the beach, but is always a little self-conscious about it. He wants to impress the ladies, so his buddy says: “That’s easy. I had the same issue. Just put a potato in it and the girls will be all over you!”. So, he takes his friend’s advice and heads out to the beach for the day. After putting up with dirty looks all day, and being made to feel creepy and repulsive by all the women he tried to approach, our former athlete hits the change hut to put his street clothes back on, but not before snapping a few selfies in the bathroom mirror, Speedo and all. When he returns home, his buddy asks how it went. So, he tells him the potato trick didn’t seem to work for him. “Really, it’s always done well for me. Show me the pics.” After a moment, his buddy says in the most diplomatic way: “Yeah, you might want to try putting the potato at the front next time...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akjltq/how_to_make_your_speedo_work_for_you/
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They say Bernie is gonna run again in 2022

I guess he uses the same workout plan as me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akjk1g/they_say_bernie_is_gonna_run_again_in_2022/
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Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank the coffee before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akjfp5/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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A young girl had a female parrot that used to follow her everywhere .

The parrot was even imitating the owner by saying
"I'm beautiful, I' am sexy, and I' love sex "
One day ,a priest came over to bless the house   He was shocked to hear the parrot saying "I'm beautifull,I' am sexy and I' love sex "
_Good Lord child !!! I' have 2 parrots at home and they read from the bible ,not use such a disgraceful language_ .
_Give her to me and I'll teach her some good manners_  !
The priest gets home and places the parrot in the cage ,with the other two .
As she was used to ,the parrot says : "I'm beautiful, I' am sexy and I love sex "
The two parrots look amazed at eachother :
_The Lord must have heard our prayers_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akjd54/a_young_girl_had_a_female_parrot_that_used_to/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akjc6z/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Little Johnny uses the word Contagious in a sentence.

A teacher gives her kids an assignment. Use the word contagious in your everyday life and report back to me tomorrow.
The next day all the kids are raising their hand.
The teacher calls on little Susie.
Little Susie, my little brother has the flue and if he sneezes on me I will get sick because he is contagious.
Teacher, "very good Susie"
Teacher calls on little Timmy.
Little Timmy, when I was younger I had chicken pox and all other moms brought their kids over so I could give them chicken pox too because it was good that I was contagious.
Teacher, "that's another good one".
Little Johny is raising his hand and the teacher hesitates but reluctantly calls on him.
Little Johny, " on our way here we saw a big fat lady painting her house with a tiny brush. My dad said it would take that cunt ages".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akj8df/little_johnny_uses_the_word_contagious_in_a/
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Art thief.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akj8an/art_thief/
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So about an drunk man..

A drunk walked into the local pub and, after staring at the only woman seated at the bar for some time, he walked over to her and kissed her.
She immediately jumped out of her seat and slapped him silly.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akj89e/so_about_an_drunk_man/
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What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?

Big Meter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akj7mz/what_do_you_call_bigfoot_in_europe/
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One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.

On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop.
Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?”
“I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?”
With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy.
This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop.
A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window and asks, “What can I do for you?”
“I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?”
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again.
In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him.
Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time.
He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “I know, you’re the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the heck do you want?”
“Driver’s license and registration please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akj78y/one_afternoon_this_guy_drives_down_a_highway_to/
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A fly is flying over a lake (long)

Thinks to himself if I fly lower it will be cooler.
A fish in the lake is thinking at the same time if that fly comes lower I can jump up and have my lunch!
A bear on the side of the lake is thinking if that fly goes down the fish will jump up and I can run out and have my lunch.
A hunter in the woods is thinking if the fly goes down the fish will jump up the bear will run out and I can take my shot!
A mouse at the same time is thinking if the fly goes down the fish will jump up the bear will run out , the man will drop his sandwich and I can run out and get my lunch!
At the same time a cat is thinking if the fly goes down, the fish will jump up, the bear will run out the man will drop his sandwich, the mouse will run out and I can get my lunch!
And so the fly went down, the fish jumped up, the bear ran out, the man dropped his sandwich for the shot and the mouse ran out- saw the cat and ran to the lake. The cat chasing after lost footing and fell into he lake.
The moral of the story?
When the fly goes down the pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akj6s1/a_fly_is_flying_over_a_lake_long/
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A man asks his wife what she would do if he won the lottery.

Wife: “I’d take half and divorce you.”
Man: “Ok, here’s $20.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akj541/a_man_asks_his_wife_what_she_would_do_if_he_won/
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The other day, I'm checking my buddy's engine

Out of nowhere, he tells me about the journey he took to find the woman he felt was inside him all along. But after a day of wearing make-up and a sundress, he knew it didn't feel right. And that's when I discovered his faulty trans mission.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akj2pv/the_other_day_im_checking_my_buddys_engine/
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What's the difference between having sex and making it to the front page?

I have a chance at making it to the front page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akj1bd/whats_the_difference_between_having_sex_and/
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What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

A visit from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawl of your funding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akiy74/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cow_with_an/
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My dad told my mom to embrace her mistakes.

She hugged him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akixcc/my_dad_told_my_mom_to_embrace_her_mistakes/
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What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Arrr?
Aye, it be the Sea...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akipvy/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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Beware of bards during floods.

They're known for luteing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akipax/beware_of_bards_during_floods/
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[long] Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...

... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.
One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my good man."
"Five dollars? What, do I look like a yutz? A loaf costs $7.95, and that's a good deal. My wife bakes that herself; it's hard to get it perfect, but she does!"
"I know, that's why I only want to buy from you. But surely $5 is a fair offer. Come on, Irving, we've known each other along time..."
"No! My prices are my prices. I can't have separate prices for individual customers!"
Stunned, the customer shoves the money back in his pocket and shrugs his shoulders. "I... I just don't believe it," he mumbles as he walks out the door.
Irving's wife walks up to her husband just as the customer exits. "Honey, what was that all about? You look so upset!"
Irving stammers, "I can't stand challah cost deniers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akije7/long_irving_worked_at_a_jewish_deli_and_bakery/
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I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akiiod/i_had_this_friend_named_leonardo_we_called_him/
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What's the difference between God and an engineer?

God doesn't think he's an engineer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akiheb/whats_the_difference_between_god_and_an_engineer/
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Even though my girlfriend is a meth addict, she is still so beautiful...

That hair, those eyes, that tooth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akibk0/even_though_my_girlfriend_is_a_meth_addict_she_is/
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A priest, a swami, and a rabbi...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi were arguing as to who were the best at their job. So they decided to go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it to their respective religion. After several hours, they met up again at a local disco to share the result of their venture.
The priest began: "When I found the bear, I told him of Christianity, and the glory of the almighty Lord and His son, Jesus. I taught him the ten commandments, and the concept of heaven, where the rivers are filled with unending supply of salmon. I then performed the sacrament of Baptism. The bear promised to attend mass this weekend."
The swami then said, "When I found the bear, I explained that it is part of the supreme consciousness and absolute truth, Vishnu. I explained to the bear the metaphysical aspect of God and His millions of avatars, the principles of existence on the material plane, and how to attain the state of nirvana and break free of the karmic cycle. The bear then sat down under a tree and started to meditate."
The priest and the swami then turned to look at the rabbi, who's face and hands were wrapped up in thick bandages, and with both of his legs in cast. "I found the bear under the tree. In retrospect though, maybe I shouldn't have begun with the circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aki9d6/a_priest_a_swami_and_a_rabbi/
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My lizard shrunk

It was a reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aki94r/my_lizard_shrunk/
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Why can't bicycles stand up on their own?

Because they're "two tired"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aki6ye/why_cant_bicycles_stand_up_on_their_own/
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My grandfather warned everyone that the Titanic would sink, nobody wanted to listen.

They promptly kicked him out of the theater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aki5f8/my_grandfather_warned_everyone_that_the_titanic/
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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Ruberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aki5f6/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
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Religion is like a...

Religion is like a penis. It's nice to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, and it's OK to think that yours is bigger and better than everyone else's.
But please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around... and more importantly, please don't try to shove it down my child's throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akhzkr/religion_is_like_a/
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A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.

It’s their Tit for Tat special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akhykf/a_tattoo_parlour_in_my_neighborhood_is_offering_a/
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Give a man a jacket..

and he'll be warm outside. Teach him to jacket and he won't ever leave the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akhxhp/give_a_man_a_jacket/
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Some blonde chick was in my house holding something the other day...

...turns out it was just Reese Witherspoon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akhwoz/some_blonde_chick_was_in_my_house_holding/
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Mystery..

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
shaolin kung fuThe monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akhtm0/mystery/
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Cojones de Toro

A Chinese man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Spain...
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling food being served next table. Not only did it look good, it smelled nice too.
He asked the waiter:
What you serve them? Look like Spanish Oysters!'
Waiter:
Senor, you got excellent taste!
Those are not Oysters...
they are *Cojones de Toro*,
bull's balls from bull fight this morning.
A rare delicacy!'
The man:
Waah, can I order one, can aa.. ?
Waiter:
So sorry Senor.
Only one serving one day because only one bull fight every morning. Tomorrow come early and place order, we sure serve you this delicacy.'
Next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the special dish.
After a few bites and inspecting his plate, he called the waiter and said:
These are delicious,
but they are much, much smaller.
Yesterday it was bigger...
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied:
Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull dies
and sometimes the man dies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akhsxs/cojones_de_toro/
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An old married couple is laying in bed one night

And the woman turns to the man and says, "we're both old so one of us is going to die soon, but if I die first are you going to remarry?"
The man says, "No no, I will never remarry you're the only one for me."
But the wife insists and she says, "no I want you to remarry if I die, but the next question is will you take down my pictures after you remarry."
The husband says, "How could I? I would want to keep your memory on until my dying days.
But the wife isn't satisfied and she asks one more question,
"Would you give her my golf clubs?"
And the husband says, "Of course not she's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akhsuh/an_old_married_couple_is_laying_in_bed_one_night/
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If I had a Delorean

I would probably only drive it from time to time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akhm9z/if_i_had_a_delorean/
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What do you call e = mc ?

A premature e-calculation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akhie8/what_do_you_call_e_mc/
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What do you call a man who has lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akhiar/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_has_lost_his_car/
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A guy call the reception desk at the hotel where he is staying.

The receptionist answer and the man calmly says: please I need your help, my wife wants to jump out the window from the 10th floor. The receptionist says: It is late in the night sir and There is only me and a maintenance guy in the building, no one can help you. Besides it is a personal matter, I think calling 911 would be more appropriate.
The man replies: you dam fool do you think I would call you at 2am for a personal matter? It is a maintenance matter, the fucking window wont open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akh4cb/a_guy_call_the_reception_desk_at_the_hotel_where/
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Anal sex is like a private plane...

If you’ve never been in one by the time you’re 30, chances are, you won’t ever be in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akh433/anal_sex_is_like_a_private_plane/
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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, one to screw it in and one to hold the penis—- I mean, ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akgyxg/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Grand cathedral needs new bell ringer

A man with no arms comes into the priest's office and says he'd like the job of ringing the bell.
The priest replies "But how can you pull the rope to ring the bell without arms?"
The man says "Not a problem, just watch this" and proceeds to run full speed head first into the bell, making it ring out.
"Well that's good enough for me" says the priest, "you're hired!".
A couple months pass by and all is well until one day the man slips and falls from the bell tower.
A nun and the priest discover his body and the nun asks "What a way to go, do you know his name?"
"Dunno." Replies the priest, "but his face rings a bell."
Couple months pass by and another armless man turns up for the job, turns out he is the twin brother of the previous bell ringer. He gets the job but lo and behold he slips and falls from the bell tower and lands on the pavement below. Again the nun and priest are there conversing about the situation; "Do you know this man?" Asked the nun
"No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother though!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akgxfw/grand_cathedral_needs_new_bell_ringer/
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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akgx3y/it_has_been_scientifically_proven_that_girls/
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A man walks into a bar in New Orleans

He sits down next to a man in a jacket. Both of them are watching a preview of the upcoming nfc championship. They both start debating over who will win, and the debate turns into an argument. The man says “100 bucks my saints win!” “Your on” replied the man as he unzipped his coat to reveal black and white stripes. “Good luck I got a game to ref” replies the ref.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akgus6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_in_new_orleans/
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion..

And a lifetime ban at the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akgs60/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akgp2e/every_morning_after_i_wake_up_the_first_thing_i/
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A guy walked into a bar one day and he couldn’t believe his eyes.

There, in the corner, sat a one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asked the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
The bartender replied, “There’s a genie in the men’s room that grants wishes.”
The guy then ran into the men’s room, and sure enough, there was the genie.
“Your wish is my command”, said the genie.
“I wish for world peace”, he replied.
Suddenly, a big cloud of smoke appeared and the room filled up with geese.
Disappointed and confused, he walked out of the men’s room.
“Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
The bartender looks to the guy and says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akgnyo/a_guy_walked_into_a_bar_one_day_and_he_couldnt/
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Secret to a happy marriage is to go out for dinner twice a week, to flirt and have fun.

Wife goes on Mondays, I go on Fridays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akglpr/secret_to_a_happy_marriage_is_to_go_out_for/
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How do you stop a fight between two blind men?

Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akgghh/how_do_you_stop_a_fight_between_two_blind_men/
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I recently read an article that claimed 77% of redditors don't understand the concept of percentages.

That's absurd, there isn't even that many of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akgevh/i_recently_read_an_article_that_claimed_77_of/
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How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screen shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akgcrj/how_does_a_computer_get_drunk/
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My wife accused me of being immature

I told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akg87o/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor.
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akg5sp/a_husband_notices_his_wifes_hearing_is/
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An elephant was born with 5 tusks

Now that's what I call multitusking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akg2ro/an_elephant_was_born_with_5_tusks/
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A pirate walks into a bar...

...and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg. But the surgeon fixed me up, and I be fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Aye," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me hand was cut off. But the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I be feeling great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Arrh," says the pirate, "One day when I was swabbing me deck, some gulls were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them--arrgh, he, pooped--in me eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from that!"
"Well," says the pirate, "'Twas me first day with me hook.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akfrpo/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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When are claustrophobic people thinking at their best?

When they think outside the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akfh0f/when_are_claustrophobic_people_thinking_at_their/
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Me: Omg I saw a wolf

Her: Where?
Me: No a normal one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akff7k/me_omg_i_saw_a_wolf/
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My dads favorite joke (long)

A rabbit is hopping along the woods one day, minding his own business, when he comes across a little village.
He hears laughing and general good humor echoing from the little town so he decides to investigate.
The rabbit hides behind a little bush and what he finds he almost can’t explain! The town is filled with little blue smurf like creatures going about their day filled with joy and good humor.
As he is watching these little blue creatures he can’t help but be jealous of their happiness and elation towards life.
After watching them all day the rabbit decides that he will go back in the morning to watch how these little blue creatures start their day so he can figure out why they are so happy all of the time.
The next morning the rabbit wakes up before dawn and heads to the village. He gets there and what he sees greatly disheartens him. All of the little blue creatures are angry and grumbling at one another. They are spitting, cursing and arguing amongst themselves.
Eventually the king, with his crown and scepter, comes out of his house and all of the blue creatures stand in line. They are still angry and grumbling as the king approaches the line. The king walks straight up to the first little blue creature and kicks him right over. When he hops up he is laughing and smiling and walks away.
The king goes down the line kicking the angry little blue creatures over and having them hop back up smiling and laughing.
The rabbit watches the rest of the day as these little blue creatures go about their business happy as could be.
The rabbit is confused, but decides that in order to be as happy as those little blue creatures he has to be kicked by the king.
So next morning he wakes up early and heads to the town to find its inhabitants coming out of their houses grumbling and upset. And as the king comes out the rabbit hops over to the end of the line.
The king walks up to the first little blue creature and gives him a kick then sends him flying over and laughing when he gets back up. The rabbit is beginning to get excited as the king works his way down the line.
Finally the king gets to the rabbit and looks up at him and says in a firm commanding voice “what are you doing here rabbit?”
The rabbit timidly replies “I’ve been watching your people for a few days and was wondering, first of all, what are you?”
The king replies in his thunderous voice “we are the Trids! And us Trids are a proud folk who do not take kindly to outsiders.”
The rabbit, who is growing nervous now, says “I understand that Mr. King Trid, but I was wondering if you could kick me over so I could be as happy as all of the Trids in your beautiful little town?”
The king Trid looks up at the rabbit as a smile crosses over his lips and replies with rather good humor, “silly rabbit, kicks are for Trids!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akf8cj/my_dads_favorite_joke_long/
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Why did Princess Leia refuse a threesome ?

Because she preferred Han SOLO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akf6qw/why_did_princess_leia_refuse_a_threesome/
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I saw two lesbian quantum physicists in a super position.

It was a double-slit experiment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akewhn/i_saw_two_lesbian_quantum_physicists_in_a_super/
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These two guys , Scott and Steve die in a horrible plane crash

As they approach the pearly gates they come upon an able bodied administrator who goes by the name of Peter.   This saintly individual welcomes them and says, we are a bit backed up today so we can offer you a visit with some of your fallen comrades while you wait if this pleases you.  They quickly agree and are shown to a room where a man is having sex with a beautiful woman.  They quickly recognize their friend Jim and they turn to St. Peter and say, wait a second this guy wasn't that great why does he get such good treatment?   So it turns out he lived a good life and only told 10 lies during his entire life, so he gets the good life.
They have a quick visit with him and then move on to the next room where their friend John is having sex with this horrible ugly woman, who is shrieking at him that he's not going fast or hard enough and that his penis is too small.  She tells him that he is worthless and a bum and he doesn't deserve her.   When the two inquire as to what is going on, St. Peter says, "well John lived a mostly good life but he told 100 lies and was unfaithful, so he gets to have sex, but it's pretty unpleasant".  Fair enough.
At this point, one of the admins comes in and whispers to St. Peter and says, "Scott we can use you now please go into that chamber over there".  So Scott goes in and all is good.  Eventually the curiosity gets the better of Steve and he asks St. Peter what's going on.   St Peter says lets take a look and when they open the door they see him having sex with the most gorgeous woman anyone has ever seen.  She is doing everything right, and whatever he wants to do she's all for it.   So Steve says, hey, wait a second what did he do to deserve this, and St. Peter says, "Oh ,no, she killed the Pope."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akev6g/these_two_guys_scott_and_steve_die_in_a_horrible/
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Holocaust jokes arent funny

anne frankly, I think they're tasteless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aketnh/holocaust_jokes_arent_funny/
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Our boss announced to the staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 5000 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

Then I said with an horse voice: "I offer 1000"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akerp2/our_boss_announced_to_the_staff_ive_lost_a_wallet/
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Women call me ugly occasionally. But that’s only until they hear how much money I make...

...then they say I’m poor and ugly ):

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akemby/women_call_me_ugly_occasionally_but_thats_only/
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Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?

Because the grass tickles their armpits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akehrt/why_do_gnomes_laugh_when_they_play_football/
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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”
The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”
The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”
The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”
“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.
“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.
So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”
“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akefnz/a_cnn_reporter_a_bbc_reporter_and_an_israeli/
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"Mickey Mouse, it says here you want to divorce Minnie because she was... Extremely silly?"

"No, I said she was fucking goofy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akef74/mickey_mouse_it_says_here_you_want_to_divorce/
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Whats the bukkake theme song?

"Come together, right now
Over me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akea5r/whats_the_bukkake_theme_song/
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At the doctor's office

Dr: Sir I have unfortunate n...
Patient: IT'S MA'AM!!!
Dr: Ma'am you have testicular cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ake6qb/at_the_doctors_office/
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A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen  out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This is Sydney's most prestigious stores, your experience out Bush just won't cut it. It's Friday,  I'll give you the afternoon as a trial, if you are successful you can start Monday.  but I'll warn you that our standards are high' says the rep.
So they give him the afternoon. As the store closes the rep approaches the outback guy.
'How many customers did you serve' says the rep
'Just one' replies the outback guy
The rep scoffs 'Just one? And how much was that sale for'
So the outback guy passes his receipt over and says ' the sale was for $245,890.40'
The rep is looking at the receipt shocked. 'But but how? That's the biggest single sale we've ever had how did you do that?'
So the outback guy explains
'Well first I sold him some fish hooks, then I said you'll probably need some sinkers to go with that. Then I told him he'll need some lures. By then we had a lot of stuff so I told him he'll need a tackle box. All this new tackle would be wasted on some old rods, so I took him to buy some new fishing rods while we were at it. I then asked him where he fished and he said the local creek. I told him if he wanted to catch some serious fish he needs to get out on the ocean. So we headed over to the boat department. We settled on a 15 footer, all the accessories , with a trailer to boot. I then asked him what kind of car he had and he said he had a Honda civic. I told him that the Honda would struggle to tow the boat, So we went over to the auto division and picked out a brand new Toyota 4 wheel drive, with all the optional extras, to tow the boat. And that's how I got my sale.'
The rep is there in shock. After a few moments of contemplation he asks the outback guy 'so your telling me a guy came in here looking for fish hooks and you managed to convince him to buy a boat and car?'
And the out back guy replies
'Actually no. The bloke came in saying he needs to buy some Tampons for his girlfriend. So I told him well mate since your weekend is fucked, you might As well go fishing'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ake4tb/a_guy_who_has_spent_his_whole_life_in_the_outback/
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The Lie Detector

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akdvk8/the_lie_detector/
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A Roman walked into a bar

and said, "I'll have a martinus." And the bartender said "Don't you mean martini? and the Roman said, "No, I'm just going to have one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akdur9/a_roman_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Why is Spider-Man a bad boyfriend?

He's super clingy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akdhu2/why_is_spiderman_a_bad_boyfriend/
%
If a stork is the bird of birth, what’s the bird of birth control?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akdhpc/if_a_stork_is_the_bird_of_birth_whats_the_bird_of/
%
What does Stevie Wonder's wife do when they have an argument?

She rearranges the furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akdfzi/what_does_stevie_wonders_wife_do_when_they_have/
%
My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akdc13/my_daughter_was_having_problems_with_her_g_string/
%
A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akdb97/a_little_girl_says_to_her_mommy_instead_of_buying/
%
My doctor is useless.

I went last week to see what he could do about haemorrhoids. He prescribed me a packet of the weirdest pills I ever saw. They tasted disgusting, and for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akdavq/my_doctor_is_useless/
%
I help blind kids.

The verb. Not the adjective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akd79v/i_help_blind_kids/
%
We had a spider in our room..

My girlfriend told me to take it out,
Seems like a nice guy,
Wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akd4vt/we_had_a_spider_in_our_room/
%
How many Trumps does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, because mini hands make light work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akd44r/how_many_trumps_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
[Long] A man tries to buy half a cauliflower.

A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The young assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers.The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some prick out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Glasgow , sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave glasgow?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Glasgow."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akd3vn/long_a_man_tries_to_buy_half_a_cauliflower/
%
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.
As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.
The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line.
As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque.
Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on...
"These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home."
The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments.
After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives.
"Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?"
"Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akd18z/a_marine_returns_from_duty_in_iraq_and_is/
%
My GF borrowed $100 from me.After 3 years, when we seperated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akcyc0/my_gf_borrowed_100_from_meafter_3_years_when_we/
%
Build a man a fire, he'll be warm all night...

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akcx7v/build_a_man_a_fire_hell_be_warm_all_night/
%
3 bucks for climbing a tree

A mom picked up her daughter at an elementary school.
The daughter happily hop in the car and said,"Mommy! I earned 30 bucks today!"
"How?" the mom was both surprised and confused.
"My classmate John paid me 3 bucks to climb a tree, and I climbed 10 times!" the daughter replied.
The mom saw the skirt her daughter wearing and figured out immediately.
"Listen, sweety, that little perverted John just want to see your panties, next time he asked you again, don't."
Next day the mom picked up her daughter, the daughter said :
"Mommy, today John asked me to climb the tree again."
"Did you do it?" the mom asked worriedly.
the daughter smlied and said: "Don't worry mom, I didn't wear panties today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akcw1s/3_bucks_for_climbing_a_tree/
%
Why does Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akcuty/why_does_trump_take_xanax/
%
Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts  the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes  all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn  except  Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"  Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he  do before he died ?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akcuja/teacher_asks_the_children_to_discuss_what_their/
%
TIFU by dating a Tennis player

Love meant nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akcr3w/tifu_by_dating_a_tennis_player/
%
Kids should not run with scissors...

...and lesbians should not scissor with the runs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akcq25/kids_should_not_run_with_scissors/
%
Two blondes

Two blonds find a mirror on the sidewalk. The first blonde looks into it and says: look! There's a picture of a woman.
The second blonde looks at it and says: eww, she's so freaking ugly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akchli/two_blondes/
%
Why does Waldo wear stripes?

Because he doesn't wanna be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akcga7/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray. ''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery.

I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money. My mom needs surgery and I have bills to pay. Please let me win the lottery.'' He left the synagogue, a week went by, and he didn't win the lottery. So, he went to a mosque and started to pray again. ''You're starting to disappoint me, God,'' he said. ''I've prayed and prayed. If you just let me win the lottery, I'll be a better person. I don't have to win the jackpot, just enough to get me out of debt. I'll give some to charity, even. Just let me win the lottery.'' John thought this did it, so he got up and walked outside.
The clouds opened up and a booming voice said, ''John, buy a fucking lottery ticket.''
Credits to: u/Jackrwood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akcfgg/john_who_was_in_financial_difficulty_walked_into/
%
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform

I thought it was a bit odd.
Then I realized he was one of those "plane clothes cops."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akcf4f/yesterday_i_saw_a_police_officer_wearing_a_pilots/
%
Daddy's Fat

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?
"I have to do that, or dad's belly gets really fat, bouncing on his belly keeps him skinny."
That's not going to work.
"Why baby?"
Because the babysitter keeps blowing him up again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akcdsg/daddys_fat/
%
Since you like NSFW jokes here is one from Egypt

Once upon a time there was a king who used to fuck his wife in a room putting a black servant beside them to cool the air using a plastic fan but the king's dick was small and the wife complained about getting no pleasure so he told the black servant to replace the roles and the wife was in great pleasure and after the black servant finished fucking her the king said "see that's how you use a fuckin fan properly "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akcckq/since_you_like_nsfw_jokes_here_is_one_from_egypt/
%
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but it has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akc6s9/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually, she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akc5lx/little_april_was_not_the_best_student_in_sunday/
%
I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451 and I asked him, “How do you like it?”

Him: It’s pretty lit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akc2sk/i_saw_my_kid_reading_fahrenheit_451_and_i_asked/
%
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Credits to: Adam pacitti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akbwen/how_do_you_measure_how_heavy_a_red_hot_chilli/
%
What is an astronaut's favorite part of a computer?

The space bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akbwdn/what_is_an_astronauts_favorite_part_of_a_computer/
%
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab.
"How much is it to the airport?" He asks.
The driver says, "$15"
"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?"
The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?"
"$15"
"Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?"
And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.
He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.
He asks, "hey how much to the airport?"
Driver responds, "$15"
The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go"
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akbvmn/a_guy_goes_to_las_vegas_to_gamble_and_he_loses/
%
A bear walks into a bar

Bear: Give me a whiskey ... and cola.
Bartender: Why the big pause?
Bear: I was born with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akbu9l/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Guy goes to see his doctor

Doctor - I've got some bad news and some worse news.
Guy - Oh no...well, tell me the bad news first.
Doctor - You have cancer.
Guy - Oh my God! Well, what could possibly be worse than that?
Doctor - You also have Alzheimer's.
Guy - Well, at least I don't have cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akbtly/guy_goes_to_see_his_doctor/
%
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akbtbj/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_whos_afraid/
%
You never appreciate what you have 'til it's gone.

toilet paper is a good example of this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akbt9w/you_never_appreciate_what_you_have_til_its_gone/
%
A herd of cows were standing in a field of marijuana.

The steaks have never been so high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akbokz/a_herd_of_cows_were_standing_in_a_field_of/
%
I would post my really amazing werewolf joke here

But I’m worried someone would give me Reddit Silver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akbkan/i_would_post_my_really_amazing_werewolf_joke_here/
%
Did you hear the rumour going around about butter?

Never mind. I shouldn't spread it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akb8b4/did_you_hear_the_rumour_going_around_about_butter/
%
What did the paraplegic track event and the Cold War have in common?

They were both an arms race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akb7ej/what_did_the_paraplegic_track_event_and_the_cold/
%
It would be awesome for an anti-vax joke to make front page.

It’s got no shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akb5x8/it_would_be_awesome_for_an_antivax_joke_to_make/
%
Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones who go to school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akb4t0/why_are_americans_so_dumb/
%
john arrives in heaven

And at the entrance, St. Peter shows him a high high-rise building where they must enter.
The problem is that the building does not have an elevator so they slowly take the stairs.
On the first floor there is a corridor with doors on both sides and from all rooms there can be heard religious hymns on high volume
john: "What's with these sounds?"
St. Peter: "On this floor are the Evangelicals, they like to sing, and that seems to make them happy, so we leave them alone"
They climb to the second floor where, it is completely quiet and there's a smell of incense
john: "what's with the incense?"
St. Peter: "On this floor are the Buddhists, they like to meditate, and that seems to make them happy, so we leave them alone"
so they go by many floors where Jews, Jehovah's Witnesses, and others were doing their own thing
They eventually end up on one floor at the entrance of which there is a soundproof sealed door.
St. Peter slowly opens and closes it after them trying not to make noise and tells John to whisper
Ion: "But why?"
St. Peter: "On this floor are the Christians and they think they are the only ones up here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akb36p/john_arrives_in_heaven/
%
NSFW What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Shopping Bag?

One is white, plastic and dangerous for your kids to play with and you put your groceries in the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akaxwd/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_michael_jackson/
%
What do you call a midget fortune teller who is running rom the law?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akaxuk/what_do_you_call_a_midget_fortune_teller_who_is/
%
I was beaten by a women in an elevator today

I was staring at her boobs, then she said could you please press one.
I thought she was talking about her boobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akaxo7/i_was_beaten_by_a_women_in_an_elevator_today/
%
Do you like UPS jokes?

Because I don't care if you get it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akawsg/do_you_like_ups_jokes/
%
What do you call a very loud, small dog?

A Subwoofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akau0b/what_do_you_call_a_very_loud_small_dog/
%
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night...

Not happy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akarf0/i_got_mugged_by_6_dwarves_last_night/
%
Why are there no living cats on mars?

Curiosity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akaqzd/why_are_there_no_living_cats_on_mars/
%
My wife paid $50 for a Brazilian waxing.

She said it was a rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akaqqv/my_wife_paid_50_for_a_brazilian_waxing/
%
My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.
I still looked confused.
She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.
"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.
She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.
"You like these?"
I could only nod my head.
She said to put the condom on.
As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down.
"Come on." she said. "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her.
It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes!
She looked at me concerned and asked, "Did you put the condom on?"
I said, "I sure did!"
...and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akap3r/my_first_time_buying_condoms_at_age_16_i_went_to/
%
Why was 10 always afraid?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akaoyp/why_was_10_always_afraid/
%
Job interviewer: “And where do you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akamwx/job_interviewer_and_where_do_you_see_yourself_in/
%
A cannibal showed up late to dinner.

He got the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/akab67/a_cannibal_showed_up_late_to_dinner/
%
A man was looking for a space to park his car in the parking lot of a mall...

After a lot of effort of going round and round he couldn't find an empty space so he started praying, please God help me find a parking space, I will go to church everyday for the rest of my life and would even give half of my life savings to charity..
Suddenly he sees a car pulling out of a spot..
Man : OKAY, Nevermind I found one..!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aka95z/a_man_was_looking_for_a_space_to_park_his_car_in/
%
Police arrested two kids yesterday

One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aka8of/police_arrested_two_kids_yesterday/
%
What do you call a TV show discussing renewable energy?

The solar panel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aka7lf/what_do_you_call_a_tv_show_discussing_renewable/
%
NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aka7iz/nsfw_girl_forgive_me_father_for_i_have_sinned/
%
An elderly man is having difficulty keeping up with his wife any more

so he goes to see the doctor and is gone for most of the day.
When he gets home, he arrives in a chauffered Cadillac, and is resplendently turned out in pinstripe trousers, waistcoat, frock coat, top hat and spats. He has a gold pocket watch in the waistcoat, a gigantic cigar, and an ebony walking stick topped with a silver ram's head almost the size of a real one.
His wife takes one look at him and says, "Wilbur, for the land's sake, what have you got on?"
And he replies, "Marge, honey, the doctor told me I was impo'tant. And if I'm impo'tant, then I'm surely gonna look impo'tant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aka6mf/an_elderly_man_is_having_difficulty_keeping_up/
%
A Spanish maid begins to argue with her employer's wife to give her a raise

"Why should I give you more money?" The wife asks bitterly
The maid answers, " Well the way I see it, I have three good reasons.  First, I clean better than you."
This made the wife a bit mad.
"Is that so?  Who says?"
The maid smiles.  "Your husband, miss."
Upset, the wife responds, "What is the second reason?"
"Second, I cook better than you."
The wife now got even more furious.
"And who said that?!"
"Your husband."
Understandably, the wife is infuriated and demands, "What is the last reason then!?"
The maid smiles gently.  "Lastly, I am much better at sex than you."
"WHO SAYS THAT?  MY HUSBAND?!"
The maid shook her head.
"No, it was the gardener."
This made the wife freeze.  She quickly got out her checkbook.
"So...how much did you want that raise to be?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aka6cv/a_spanish_maid_begins_to_argue_with_her_employers/
%
The 15 year old Goldfish I won at a Carnival, died the same day my Grandpa did 15 years ago today.

The Goldfish wasn't as easy to drown in a bowl of food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aka1iu/the_15_year_old_goldfish_i_won_at_a_carnival_died/
%
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak9z1x/why_did_the_monkey_fall_out_of_the_tree/
%
Deb, a blonde, gets caught in a hailstorm.

And so she brings her badly dented car to the body shop. The mechanic decides to play a trick on her.
The mechanic, pretending to inspect the car says, "I see you got caught in yesterday's hailstorm. There's an easy fix for that. When you get home, just blow really hard on the tail pipe and all these dents should just pop back out and then your car's good as new."
So Deb gets home, parks the car and gets on her knees and starts blowing hard into the tail pipe.
Her sister walks in on her.
"What are you doing?" The sister asks.
So Deb, between hard puffs, explains to her what the mechanic advised her to do and that it doesn't seem to be working since she's been blowing for about half an hour now.
"Well, duh," says the sister, "shouldn't you close the car windows first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak9wqd/deb_a_blonde_gets_caught_in_a_hailstorm/
%
My dad showed me a 30 minutes PowerPoint presentation that why condom should be used during sex.

All slides had pictures of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak9w96/my_dad_showed_me_a_30_minutes_powerpoint/
%
Magic Penis vs Police Officer

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip abroad, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except, perhaps... The Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The salesman repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be a very ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the shop door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the center.
Then the salesman said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was firmly stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police traffic car was close by and the officer immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me rigid.'
The Police officer glared at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass'
The rest, as they say, is history !!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak9pki/magic_penis_vs_police_officer/
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Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."
Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, does just that. A few weeks later, he's driving into Vegas and gets his second message from God: "Bill, go to the MGM casino. " Again, Bill questions this and is told again by God. So he gets to the casino and God says, "Bill, go to the high rollers blackjack table with all of your money." At this point, Bill is starting to feel uneasy, but does as he's told.
Once at the table, God instructs him to put all of his money, several hundred thousand, on one hand. By now, Bill is a nervous wreck. He starts telling God how hard he worked to build the business and now he was being told to risk it all on one hand of blackjack?
"Do you dare question your Maker?" God asks in that booming voice.
Bill gives all his money to the dealer and his stacks his huge pile of chips on one hand.
Sweating nervously, Bill's heart sinks when he is dealt a hard 17, and the dealer has a face card showing. When he asks God what he should do, the booming voice replies, "Hit it!" Bill hesitates, but is slightly relieved when he is dealt a deuce, giving him 19. Then God speaks again, "Hit it again!" Bill knows this is a bad play, and starts to question it when God repeats the instructions, louder.
So Bill takes another card. He nearly faints when he sees an ace. Now at 20, Bill slowly exhales when God speaks yet again. "Hit it again!" Bill can't believe what he's hearing. He starts to tell God that he just can't, it's a terrible risk and all that, when God interrupts him, "HIT IT AGAIN!!"
The dealer implores him to stand, as do several others crowding around the table, but Bill feels he can't contradict God, so with terror in his heart, he takes another card.
It's an ace, giving Bill 21.
But before he can start celebrating, he hears that booming voice of God one last time:
"Another ace?! Un-fucking-believable!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak9ph4/bill_a_small_business_owner_is_at_work_one_day/
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Where's the safest place to hide after shooting someone?

Behind your badge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak9n3i/wheres_the_safest_place_to_hide_after_shooting/
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I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday

That makes the amount of girls I made wet this year -1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak9m8v/i_lent_my_umbrella_to_a_hot_girl_yesterday/
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What's the definition of a will?

Come on guys it's a dead giveaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak9hkf/whats_the_definition_of_a_will/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.... and the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
DONALD TRUMP: We should build a wall so the chicken can't cross the road.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak9b8q/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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What is the fastest way to determine the sex of chromosome?

Pull down its genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak99dq/what_is_the_fastest_way_to_determine_the_sex_of/
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My cousin has two tickets for the 2019 SUPER BOWL

He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Temple of God Church, in Lexington at 3pm. Bride’s name is Beth , she's 5'4, about 140 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak966m/my_cousin_has_two_tickets_for_the_2019_super_bowl/
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When asked if they were emotionally disgruntled by Trump's wall, Mexicans responded..

'Meh, we'll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak95wv/when_asked_if_they_were_emotionally_disgruntled/
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Dad can you put the cat out?

I didn't know it was on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak93j2/dad_can_you_put_the_cat_out/
%
I wanted to make a chemistry joke

But NaH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak932o/i_wanted_to_make_a_chemistry_joke/
%
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

The girl Answered with a loud angry  voice; "I don't want  to spend the night with you!! All the pple in the library started  staring at  the boy  and he was  embarrassed. After minutes  the girl  walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him I study  psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed,right? The guy responded with a loud  voice :$300 for one night That's too much!! and all the people in the library  looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how  to make someone guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak8zpm/a_boy_asked_a_girl_in_a_library_do_you_mind_if_i/
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People ask me why I'm a Republican ...

I tell them I'm really not that political ...
It's just that I thought it would be better to choose the side with all the guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak8zhe/people_ask_me_why_im_a_republican/
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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo.

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts... "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage, "OK smart ass, you get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike, and starts to sing..... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak8ty6/stevie_wonder_is_playing_his_first_gig_in_tokyo/
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The Drunk says to a priest.....

"I'm Jesus Christ" The priest says "no son, your not" The drunk turns and tells another priest "I'm Jesus Christ " The priest says "no son, your not" So the drunk says " here I'll prove it " The drunk walks into the bar and the bartender says " Jesus Christ, your here again?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak8tf0/the_drunk_says_to_a_priest/
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How many Catholic women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak8rte/how_many_catholic_women_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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I was supposed to meet my tinder date for the first time at the gym...

But she didn’t show up.
I guess we aren’t going to work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak8pig/i_was_supposed_to_meet_my_tinder_date_for_the/
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I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta

Now I have a Ford Focus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak8lbw/i_left_my_adderall_in_my_ford_fiesta/
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A tourist meets another tourist in Alaska.

-"What brings you here to Alaska?"
-"Well, you see, it all started when I bought one of those maps in which you pin down every place you've been to".
-"Ah, I see. You want to pin as much places as you can, and you haven't pinned Alaska yet".
-"No", replied the tourist, "I have to pin the corners or the map will fall down".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak8jqs/a_tourist_meets_another_tourist_in_alaska/
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Women are impossible to please !!

A store that sells husbands, Husband-Mart, has just opened.  Here a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.  The store is composed of six (6) floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.  There is, however, a catch.  As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.  On the first floor the sign on the door reads:  Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?”  So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:  Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?”  And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:  Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says.  “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads:  Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting.  BUT, there must be something better further up!”  And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:  Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me!  But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?”
So up to the sixth floor she goes.  The sixth floor sign reads:  Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at Husband-Mart and have a nice day.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that are extremely good looking.
The second floor has wives that are extremely good looking and love sex.
The third floor has wives that are extremely good looking, love sex and have money.
The fourth through sixth floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak8jjq/women_are_impossible_to_please/
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What’s the definition of a will?

come on guys it’s a dead giveaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak8e7d/whats_the_definition_of_a_will/
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A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.
15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak8chu/a_pregnant_woman_walks_into_a_bank_being_robbed/
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Guys I know why there are no paper jokes on this sub

It's because they're tearable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak89by/guys_i_know_why_there_are_no_paper_jokes_on_this/
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What do you call a blind fascist?

A Nazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak88y7/what_do_you_call_a_blind_fascist/
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Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak87zy/just_spent_300_on_a_limousine_and_discovered_that/
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“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak86tn/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
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Q. How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Don’t be ridiculous, everyone knows that feminists can’t change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak802o/q_how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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So I asked my bisexual friend, what did he prefer?

Are girls better or boys when it comes to dating ?
He replied," Well the girls aren't a pain in the ass ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak7wrg/so_i_asked_my_bisexual_friend_what_did_he_prefer/
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My dad went to get some money.

I haven’t seen him cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak7ub3/my_dad_went_to_get_some_money/
%
My mom told me to stop taking the kitchen utensils.

But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak7u52/my_mom_told_me_to_stop_taking_the_kitchen_utensils/
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Hey, I just met you and this is crazy But here's my number, so call me maybe

Hi maybe, I'm dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak7t8i/hey_i_just_met_you_and_this_is_crazy_but_heres_my/
%
A teacher asks one her student to stay after class

A teacher asks one of her students to stay after class.
Teacher: Tom, I know you copied the answers from the student next to you
Tom: Did not
Teacher: Well the student next to you wrote "Yes" and so did you on question one
Tom: So what?
Teacher: And number two he wrote "no" and you wrote the same thing.
Tom: Doesn't mean anything
Teacher: What about number three, where the student next to you wrote "I don't know" and you wrote "me neither"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak7qd9/a_teacher_asks_one_her_student_to_stay_after_class/
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Getting to know each other

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak7nup/getting_to_know_each_other/
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How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1 or 2? 2 or 3?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak7n51/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Meanwhile at the Sperm Donor Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!".
So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard is it ?."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak7mrn/meanwhile_at_the_sperm_donor_bank/
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I've never seen the inside of my ears...

...but I've heard good things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak7fu6/ive_never_seen_the_inside_of_my_ears/
%
A man turns to his wife and says: “I want to die while making love to you.”

His wife replies: “at least it will be a quick death!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak796p/a_man_turns_to_his_wife_and_says_i_want_to_die/
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Three friends bragged about who has more sex...

Friend A said “You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women”
Friend B said “Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women.”
Friend C said, “I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak784y/three_friends_bragged_about_who_has_more_sex/
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I thought of an idea for a new reality TV show...

It's about a group of Middle Easter Islamic terrorists that are entering their 40s. They stop buying an excessive amount of guns and explosives and instead start purchasing luxery cars and motorcycles. I call the show Midlife ISIS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak75da/i_thought_of_an_idea_for_a_new_reality_tv_show/
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/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6zz5/uusername_hates_the_hotel_he_is_staying_in_and/
%
Riding on the bus one day, a businessman notices a very attractive nun...

...sitting amongst the other passengers. The bus comes to a stop and the nun gets off the bus. At the next stop, the businessman gets up to depart the bus but is stopped by the bus driver, who says:
"You know, that attractive nun works at the cemetery and typically stays overnight. I bet if you were to dress up like Jesus in the middle of the night, you could convince her to have sex with you!"
The businessman takes this idea seriously, and goes and buys a Jesus costume. The next day, he goes to the cemetery and waits for night. After spotting the nun, he puts on the costume and approaches her.
After the initial surprise, the businessman convinces her that he is Jesus and that she should have sex with him. The nun asks if they could do anal instead, to retain her virginity. The business man agrees and they have anal sex.
Afterward, the businessman rips off the Jesus costume and yells "Aha! I'm not Jesus!"
The nun rips off their costume and yells "Aha! I'm not the nun! I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6y1a/riding_on_the_bus_one_day_a_businessman_notices_a/
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Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.
"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."
"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.
"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $10 bill and tell me ta take a hike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6x56/ole_came_home_from_a_long_business_trip_to_find/
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Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done.

One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house.
Inside was a beautiful woman, who asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.
The woman said money was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.
In a few minutes, he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6wlx/ole_while_not_a_brilliant_scholar_was_a_gifted/
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Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6was/relationships_are_a_lot_like_algebra/
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I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of "pensi"?'

It was as she pulled my pants down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6teb/i_was_trying_to_pull_a_girl_in_a_bar_so_i_asked/
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What sound does a gun make in church?

Pew pew pew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6psy/what_sound_does_a_gun_make_in_church/
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Yo momma's so fat

It took me three fingers to swipe left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6nha/yo_mommas_so_fat/
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Apple just announced a new line of hidden camera surveillance products, including a glass that sits on your bathroom sink.

They're calling it The iCup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6l61/apple_just_announced_a_new_line_of_hidden_camera/
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What’s the different between beer nuts and deer nuts?

One of them is a dollar fifty and the other is just under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6iks/whats_the_different_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up

I'm an only child :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6idh/my_parents_insisted_that_they_never_had_a/
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I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store

I was like "You're not going to find what you're looking for"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6i7a/i_saw_a_man_with_one_arm_shopping_at_a_second/
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Anybody know how much Deer antlers cost?

I was told they're always 2 for a Buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6hr5/anybody_know_how_much_deer_antlers_cost/
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What do you call a bunch of sheep rolling down a hill?

A lambslide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6fdk/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_sheep_rolling_down_a/
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Having owned a few casinos,

Trump should have known that the House always wins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6erp/having_owned_a_few_casinos/
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What did the constipated mathematician do?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6d8j/what_did_the_constipated_mathematician_do/
%
A duck walks into a pub....

..... and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again.
“”With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says...
"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6ckp/a_duck_walks_into_a_pub/
%
I like shooting guns and drinking whiskey.

But I'm all out of shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6c5r/i_like_shooting_guns_and_drinking_whiskey/
%
What do you call a flatworm with a liberal arts degree?

An interdisci-planarian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6b2r/what_do_you_call_a_flatworm_with_a_liberal_arts/
%
How do you get an old woman to shout "Cunt"?

Get another one to shout "Bingo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak6az7/how_do_you_get_an_old_woman_to_shout_cunt/
%
Played Plague inc and chose to infect by food only

I couldn’t reach africa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak674z/played_plague_inc_and_chose_to_infect_by_food_only/
%
Shout out to Gramps

It’s the only way he can hear you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak669f/shout_out_to_gramps/
%
My wife told me that she’s done talking to me until I stop smoking a pack a day.

So far I’m up to 2 packs a day and getting along peacefully better than ever with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak5zrm/my_wife_told_me_that_shes_done_talking_to_me/
%
At a party, I went to get a fruit cocktail and had to queue behind Elvis, Sasquatch and a Pterodactyl, and I thought to myself…

This is a really weird punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak5x4h/at_a_party_i_went_to_get_a_fruit_cocktail_and_had/
%
What are you called when you're rich and in a hurry to rig the U.S. election?

A Russian Oligarch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak5vim/what_are_you_called_when_youre_rich_and_in_a/
%
I’m getting so sick of millennials and their attitude...

...always walking around like they rent the place!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak5p2p/im_getting_so_sick_of_millennials_and_their/
%
My friend Jay had twins recently and wants to name them after him.

So I suggested Kay and Elle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak5lhd/my_friend_jay_had_twins_recently_and_wants_to/
%
Doctor, what happens when we die?

We just give the beds to a new patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak5kvy/doctor_what_happens_when_we_die/
%
How can you tell which eggs are the best?

Ask an Eggs-pert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak5fjm/how_can_you_tell_which_eggs_are_the_best/
%
Me: Hi do you take walk ins?

Cremator: What?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak5dl0/me_hi_do_you_take_walk_ins/
%
I thought Trump wanted a wall.

Turns out he got a cave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak5aor/i_thought_trump_wanted_a_wall/
%
What did the blind tourist do during WWII?

Not-see Germany

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak58vk/what_did_the_blind_tourist_do_during_wwii/
%
A guy goes to a therapist. He asks the therapist over and over, "Am I a tepee or a wigwam? Am I a tepee or a wigwam? Tepee or a wigwam, tepee or a wig wam?!"

Therapist replies, "You're too tense."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak57mr/a_guy_goes_to_a_therapist_he_asks_the_therapist/
%
So The Beatles and their producer, George Martin, were in the studio......

Paul: Any ideas on how to end Hey Jude?
John: Nah
George: Nah
Ringo: Nah
George Martin: Nah
Paul: Perfect!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak4xxr/so_the_beatles_and_their_producer_george_martin/
%
In Soviet Russia...

A man is arrested by the political police and brought before Josef Stalin.
Stalin: Why was this man arrested?
Officer: He was shouting "Death to that mustache-wearing bastard!" in the street, Comrade Premier!
Stalin (to prisoner): And who were you referring to?
Prisoner: I was talking about Hitler, Comrade Premier!
Stalin (to officer): And who were *you* referring to?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak4wyb/in_soviet_russia/
%
After reading about the effects of smoking and drinking I've decided to quit

Reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak4ssx/after_reading_about_the_effects_of_smoking_and/
%
My imaginary friend is spending the night.

So I made up a bed for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak4q2e/my_imaginary_friend_is_spending_the_night/
%
What do you call someone who likes to have sex with the homeless?

A hobo-sexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak4n37/what_do_you_call_someone_who_likes_to_have_sex/
%
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak4kg8/hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
%
I’m not addicted to brake fluid.

I can stop anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak4h0h/im_not_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
%
The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luckily survived.
But I guess she can’t let go of the fact that Daddy shot a load in her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak4ewg/the_ppsh41_is_a_soviet_gun_which_a_lot_of_people/
%
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak4euq/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_for_my_number/
%
Waiter:"There's basically everything on our menu"

Customer:"I see. Now, would you please bring me a cleaner one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak4eec/waitertheres_basically_everything_on_our_menu/
%
I read a book about ants falling in love in Rome.

It was full of Rome Ants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak4ebx/i_read_a_book_about_ants_falling_in_love_in_rome/
%
new employee

A guy starts a new job. His first day is Wednesday, and does a fantastic job. Same with Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today, I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in again and says, "I can't come in today, I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy replies, "No I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she's alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "Jesus Christ, you fuck your own sister?"
And the guy says, "Hey, I told you ... I'm sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak4e16/new_employee/
%
Government is back open but I heard

If trump sees his shadow it's 6 more weeks of shutdown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak48te/government_is_back_open_but_i_heard/
%
I swore off elevators

because I refuse to let a machine bring me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak463v/i_swore_off_elevators/
%
You know I read a wild statistic the other day that said like a woman is 70 percent more likely to laugh if she finds the dude attractive

At least I know I’m funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak45t7/you_know_i_read_a_wild_statistic_the_other_day/
%
Knock knock. Who's there? The doorbell repairman.

That's the end of the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak43or/knock_knock_whos_there_the_doorbell_repairman/
%
How many germans does it take, to change a lightbulb?

One. We're very efficient and have no sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak3y9c/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
There once was a man named drew

Who’s limericks all stopped at two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak3xvc/there_once_was_a_man_named_drew/
%
Difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED...
But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE...
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED...
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are...
COMPLETELY FINISHED.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak3m2e/difference_between_complete_and_finished/
%
What did the celiac say to the farmer?

Miss me with that hay shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak3j15/what_did_the_celiac_say_to_the_farmer/
%
People in wheelchairs....

...shouldn't let other people push them around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak3i2u/people_in_wheelchairs/
%
What do you call an epileptic dwarf?

Little Seizures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak3hdz/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_dwarf/
%
Have you ever heard of the "walk of shame"?

It's when you are redditing on the toilet for so long that your legs fall asleep and you have to walk back the recliner like an octopus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak3h8q/have_you_ever_heard_of_the_walk_of_shame/
%
What makes electronics work?

Smoke.
If you let the smoke out, the electronic component stops working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak3gvm/what_makes_electronics_work/
%
An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice.
Needing  to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home  phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the little voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the neighbours," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak3dyv/an_employee_is_absent/
%
The furniture store keeps calling me back.

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak3a61/the_furniture_store_keeps_calling_me_back/
%
wife : i have changed my mind ...

husband : does the new one work ??!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak39rr/wife_i_have_changed_my_mind/
%
The blonde and the ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak38to/the_blonde_and_the_ventriloquist/
%
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak2yzv/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
The Tramp Joke

There was this tramp  ("bum" in the U.S.A ?).
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard
a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle
of the lake.  She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water.
Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and
slided over to the little girl.  He managed to pull her out without breaking
the ice further and he carried her back to the road.  He took off his coat
and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down.
A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out
but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a
multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughter
into the warmth of the limo.  "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash,
perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have
ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in
my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your
money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years.  I think I'll
buy myself a holiday (vacation)"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his
chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich!  I'm rich!", and off he goes
to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes
up to the desk.  "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!!  You'll *never* get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl
incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll
probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest
filing drawers she can find.  There - to her amazement - she finds an old
file.
"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop.
"I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class
round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"
"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"
The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads
out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting.
*************************
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the
most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-
going liner he has ever seen.
Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder,
and marches up the gangplank.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms
down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper,
mega-economy class, and I want on!"
Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that
our man the tramp is correct.
"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now,
I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you.  Come back at midnight
when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the
dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start.  It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway,
and onto the ship - and what a ship!
The tramp had *never* in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like this.
First they went doen through the first class level:
Oriental carpets - 6" pile.
A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall.
Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair.
24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class:
As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep.
and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class,
.
.
.
.
down past the casinos,
.
.
.
.
and the ballrooms,
.
.
.
.
down through the crew's quarters,
.
.
.
.
down through the galleys, and the engine rooms,
.
.
.
.
until finally,
.
.
at the lowest point in the ship,
against the very hull,
.
.
the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with
a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..."
"Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship,
at night - when all the other passengers are asleep.  So that's what the
alarm clock is for.  Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time.  Sleeping
by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it.
One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd
have a go on the diving board of the pool.  He had just enough time for
one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived....
...and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old
tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like
that?"
"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen ....">
He broke off.
"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.
"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the
other passengers.  I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first
class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man.
For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced.
Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it
he tried it.
Then one morning the captain came to talk.
"O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days.  We're
going to erect a high diving board for you."
"O.K." agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived.  The ship was humming with
excitement.  Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver.
The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks
and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.
Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe.
Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board.
Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column
of metal.
"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do."
And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb....
up and up ...
up and up ...
higher and higher ...
below him the ship grew smaller ...
up and up ...
on and on ...
past a solitary albatross ...
and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ...
on
and on
.
.
.
.
still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began
to shrink...
and higher, ever higher ...
on and on ....
past our moon ...
and on ...
and mars ...
and on ...
higher, and higher , through the asteroid belt,
and on and on towards the diving board,
... past the outer planets, until...
... finally ...
... on the outermost reaches of the Solar System ...
... he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and then...
.
.' '.
.     .
.       .
he jumped .         .
.
.
.
.
:
slowly at first      :
but speeding up      :
:
:
:
faster, and faster
speeding past Pluto
and the other outer planets
.
.
.
.
.
through the asteroid belt:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
past Mars,
and the moon,
faster,
and faster,
faster - ever faster,
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,
the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster...
past the albatross,
faster
.
.
.
double-back somersault,
.
.
.
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
.
.
.
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
.
.
.
.
DEEPER,
.
.
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
.
..
...
.......
TILL..........
.
.
SMASH!  into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam
frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping....
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng
wild with acclaim.
HERO!  WONDERFUL!  AMAZING!  BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT!
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over
the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have *NEVER* seen anything like that, *EVER*.
That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen"
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on:
"But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this
boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:
"Well you see....
....I'm a poor tramp...
...so you must understand ...
... I've been through many a hardship in my life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak2prd/the_tramp_joke/
%
I broke up with my gf because she didnt know how I like my coffee. I like my coffee how I like my women

without another man's dick in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak2pb7/i_broke_up_with_my_gf_because_she_didnt_know_how/
%
What do you call an owl that can travel through time?

Doctor Hoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak2nol/what_do_you_call_an_owl_that_can_travel_through/
%
If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.

...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak2ku7/if_i_won_298_million_id_give_a_quarter_of_it_to/
%
What do breasts and Lego Bionicles have got in common?

They're both designed for the kids but the adults end up having fun with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak2jq9/what_do_breasts_and_lego_bionicles_have_got_in/
%
I just got an awesome "Do it yourself" robot. The DIY-HANDYBOT 2.0

Me: "Could you build me a cupboard?"
Handybot: "Do it yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak2io5/i_just_got_an_awesome_do_it_yourself_robot_the/
%
Where do you go to get a three-legged horse?

The unstable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak2fj7/where_do_you_go_to_get_a_threelegged_horse/
%
Went out with a Norse god once. Went well.

Woke up with a Thor ass though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak2dg8/went_out_with_a_norse_god_once_went_well/
%
I was talking to a fat lass with huge tits last night.

"My eyes are up here..." I said, as she looked down at the kebab in my hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak2b8n/i_was_talking_to_a_fat_lass_with_huge_tits_last/
%
Damn it, I've had enough of this. Can we please start to prorate our posts?

Sorry I meant "Proof read"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak24qq/damn_it_ive_had_enough_of_this_can_we_please/
%
Doctor: “Sir....”

Patient: “It's MA'AM. I identify as a female”
Doctor: “Okay Ma'am. You have testicular cancer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak227z/doctor_sir/
%
And the Lord said to John: "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak224p/and_the_lord_said_to_john_come_forth_and_you_will/
%
Her: "Undress me with your words."

Him: "There's a spider in your bra."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak222f/her_undress_me_with_your_words/
%
Little Johnny walks in on his dad having sex with his aunt.

Aunt was going up and down on his dad.When he sees little Johnny he is embarrassed and quickly tries covering up.
"So,..Son, see Aunty was ju.."
Little Johnny interrupts before dad could say further and says, "I know she was helping you flatten your tummy by going up and down, right?"
Dad is perplexed as it was the exactly what  he was going to say and asks Johnny, "Right... Uhh, but how do you know?"
"Well, mommy too was helping the mailman flatten his tummy the other day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak20dp/little_johnny_walks_in_on_his_dad_having_sex_with/
%
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak1ymr/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak1ykk/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_two_doors/
%
Dear people who are afraid of paedophiles

You need to grow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak1wft/dear_people_who_are_afraid_of_paedophiles/
%
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the  alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll  make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals  inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then  open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for  witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The  crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his  trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The  gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs  a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The  gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as  promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free  drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak1uhz/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_pet_alligator_by/
%
My girlfriend borrowed 200$ from me when we met. 4 years later, when we broke up, she gave me exactly 200$ back.

I lost interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak1nwz/my_girlfriend_borrowed_200_from_me_when_we_met_4/
%
Although we may never see Trump Wall...

... we all just got to see Trump Cave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak1fwe/although_we_may_never_see_trump_wall/
%
Did you hear about the Irishman hanging from the ceiling lighting a room?

His name was Seán D'olier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak1d8d/did_you_hear_about_the_irishman_hanging_from_the/
%
Teacher: OK now it’s time for Sex Ed

Ed: With you, ma’am, or with another student?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak1bpa/teacher_ok_now_its_time_for_sex_ed/
%
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy put his hands in the pockets of his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”
“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.”
“After that,” the old rich man continued, “I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.”
“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak1b4h/a_young_man_asked_an_old_rich_man_how_he_made_his/
%
A politician had recently committed suicide

"It is a very sad day," the Police Chief said, "and we have ruled that he has committed suicide, via 3 bullets to the head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak1anz/a_politician_had_recently_committed_suicide/
%
Haha

So a guy walks into a butcher shop and asks what piece of meat he should get. The butcher points out a cut on the top shelf and says: “I will pay you ten dollars if you can jump up and touch that.”
The man says: “No. The steaks are too high.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak18gt/haha/
%
I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak16y0/i_got_a_new_stick_deodorant_today/
%
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak15r9/my_wife_and_i_have_reached_the_difficult_decision/
%
What do you call two gay Irishman?

Patrick Fitzgerald, and Gerald Fitzpatrick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak15m5/what_do_you_call_two_gay_irishman/
%
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak13e0/my_last_relationship_ended_because_i_didnt_open/
%
Why did God create Adam before Eve?

He didn’t want any advice on how to do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak0yko/why_did_god_create_adam_before_eve/
%
Two hats sit on a rack, what did one hat say to the other?

You stay here, I'll go on a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak0wma/two_hats_sit_on_a_rack_what_did_one_hat_say_to/
%
There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.

Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak0s1f/there_is_a_good_chance_youll_fail_your_calculus/
%
Why don't astronauts eat much at breakfast?

So they can be ready for lunch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak0plx/why_dont_astronauts_eat_much_at_breakfast/
%
What would thanos be called if he was a soundcloud rapper?

Xanos!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak0li7/what_would_thanos_be_called_if_he_was_a/
%
Really disappointed with the new Beatles album

It's all drum & bass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak0fr1/really_disappointed_with_the_new_beatles_album/
%
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak0bz2/sometimes_it_is_very_important_if_a_sentence_was/
%
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?"
The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!"
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?"
The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender."
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
"Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says.
"I do." The bartender gurgles back.
"Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks.
"Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!"
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat...
"The reason it's called the Keyboard is because... it's a space bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak0a7m/an_astronaut_is_the_first_to_step_onto_an_alien/
%
I didn't want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak09iu/i_didnt_want_to_believe_that_my_dad_was_stealing/
%
He touched her hand and she touched his hand

What a touching story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak06uf/he_touched_her_hand_and_she_touched_his_hand/
%
When winter is finally over, the leaves on trees begin grow back again.

What a releaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak06hv/when_winter_is_finally_over_the_leaves_on_trees/
%
What's worse than finding out your mom has a rape whistle?

Testing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak03ql/whats_worse_than_finding_out_your_mom_has_a_rape/
%
One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.

The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ak015u/one_night_a_little_girl_walks_in_on_her_parents/
%
So what is your favorite groundbreaking invention?

Mine is the shovel......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajzw3a/so_what_is_your_favorite_groundbreaking_invention/
%
Did you hear about the Irishman caught stealing beer?

His name was Nick McGuinness .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajzuhy/did_you_hear_about_the_irishman_caught_stealing/
%
Little Nancy

was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajzu78/little_nancy/
%
Quasimodo should have been a detective

He’s always got a hunch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajzp49/quasimodo_should_have_been_a_detective/
%
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajznlp/on_my_first_day_in_prison_my_cellmate_said_to_me/
%
My father is really good at basketball

He always told me "I've been Duncan all my life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajzjpb/my_father_is_really_good_at_basketball/
%
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajzgzy/ive_been_diagnosed_with_a_rare_condition_that/
%
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajze9j/my_friend_gets_offended_when_people_tell_fat_jokes/
%
What do you call a milkman wearing high heeled shoes...?

A Dairy Queen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajzdjw/what_do_you_call_a_milkman_wearing_high_heeled/
%
The Mexicans are really angry about the wall.

Don't worry, they'll get over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajzbya/the_mexicans_are_really_angry_about_the_wall/
%
2 balloons get married

And they have a baby balloon. Baby balloon stays in bed with mummy and daddy balloon until one day, Baby balloon grows too big to stay in mummy and daddy balloon's bed, so he gets his own room.
He misses sleeping with his parents, so he decides one night to be a rebel.
He goes into his parents' room, lets a little bit of air out of himself, a little bit out of his mummy and a little bit out of his daddy, and sleeps soundly.
Then daddy balloon wakes up in the middle of the night and tells everyone to wake up.
"Look what you've done, Baby balloon! You've let me down, you've let your mummy down, and you've let yourself down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajzbng/2_balloons_get_married/
%
What do you call a bee made in the United States?

A USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajz743/what_do_you_call_a_bee_made_in_the_united_states/
%
A man was out at sea celebrating buying a new Yacht with his girlfriend.

Man (raising a glass of champagne) : To our new "YAKT".
Girlfriend : The 'c' is silent, honey.
Man : (staring out at the horizon) : Yes it's very tranquil, you're right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajz6q2/a_man_was_out_at_sea_celebrating_buying_a_new/
%
A child asks his father what the difference between "in theory" and "in practice" is.

The father responds by saying "go ask your mother, sister, and grandmother if they would sleep with a man for 1 million dollars."
The child asks his mom who says yes, his sister who says yes, and his grandmother who says yes.
The child returns to his father and says "all three agreed that they would sleep with a man for 1 million dollars."
The father replies "you see son, in theory we have 3 million dollars, but in practice we have 3 whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajz63w/a_child_asks_his_father_what_the_difference/
%
Joke

I used to be in a band called missing cat, you probably saw our posters!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajz4dx/joke/
%
Why can't a pony sing?

Because it's voice is a little horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajyyvq/why_cant_a_pony_sing/
%
A doctor meets his ex-wife after some years...

He says, "Everything was going so smooth with us, I wonder what happened?"
Little did he know, she had started eating an apple everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajyvti/a_doctor_meets_his_exwife_after_some_years/
%
Wife is yelling at her husband “Get out! I hate your guts!”

Husband packs up and walks out the door. As he is walking away his wife screams at him “I hope you die a slow and painful death!” He says “So you want me to stay?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajysgp/wife_is_yelling_at_her_husband_get_out_i_hate/
%
I like my porn like I like my coffee...

I could consume it at home but I’d much rather go to a Starbucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajyqun/i_like_my_porn_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
For his 70th birthday, one of his students gave the zen master a big box with a ribbon around it.

When the master opened the box, he found that there was nothing inside.
"Aha," he exclaimed, "just what I wanted!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajyoie/for_his_70th_birthday_one_of_his_students_gave/
%
Why did nemesis go to Hollywood?

For the stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajyn9z/why_did_nemesis_go_to_hollywood/
%
Did you hear about the charismatic politician who spews a lot of hot air when he talks about his ideas?

You could say that he expresses himself with convection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajyk91/did_you_hear_about_the_charismatic_politician_who/
%
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajydz2/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
%
A single man comes home late, looks to see what is in the fridge, and goes to bed

A married man comes home late, looks to see what is in the bed, and goes to the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajydik/a_single_man_comes_home_late_looks_to_see_what_is/
%
What do you get when you outgrow your dad bod?

A father figure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajyaey/what_do_you_get_when_you_outgrow_your_dad_bod/
%
What do you call an instigated angry gamer?

An inclination of 1080p swearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajy9ih/what_do_you_call_an_instigated_angry_gamer/
%
I quit my job as a paperboy

So if you think I've got news for you, I've got news for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajy7kd/i_quit_my_job_as_a_paperboy/
%
Hitler goes to a fortune teller

He asks “what day will I die?” The fortune teller says”On a Jewish holiday.” Hitler asks what holiday the fortune teller replies with “Any day you die with be a Jewish holiday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajy7jt/hitler_goes_to_a_fortune_teller/
%
Abortion bill

Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. President
Trump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajy6y9/abortion_bill/
%
My girlfriend is a social media expert.

She sent me a long message last month on why Twitter and Instagram are hands down the best Social Media apps.
But I only reddit now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajy5oc/my_girlfriend_is_a_social_media_expert/
%
I hate when I can't think straight

Because I always end up having hot guys on my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajxyi3/i_hate_when_i_cant_think_straight/
%
There are 3 kinds of people in the world

Those who can count, and those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajxx9c/there_are_3_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
%
Is it still mansplaining if you're explaining it to another man?

"Nah, bruh. Let me tell you... this is how it works..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajxx4a/is_it_still_mansplaining_if_youre_explaining_it/
%
What’s worse than spiders on your piano?

Crabs on your organ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajxnih/whats_worse_than_spiders_on_your_piano/
%
A brain and a spark plug walk into a bar...

The brain walks up to the bar and says:
" can i have a beer for my friend and I?"
The barman looks at the brain and goes back to polishing his glass.
The brain tries again: "Can I have a beer please?!?"
"No, not for you.  Not today guys." The barman says, not looking up from his task.
"Well, why not?!?" The brain asks, now quite perplexed.
"Well" the barman pauses... "you look like you're out of your head. And your mate, he looks like he's just about to start something."
*edit: spelling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajxn4f/a_brain_and_a_spark_plug_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Where do you strike a captain on the nose?

the bridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajxmy6/where_do_you_strike_a_captain_on_the_nose/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajxjzg/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here on your swing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajxa5p/a_man_is_in_bed_with_his_wife_when_there_is_a/
%
Don't run with bagpipes

You could get kilt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajx7nq/dont_run_with_bagpipes/
%
The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.
" what's the matter with you ? "  asks the crocodile
" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "
"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bastard ,where is he? " asks the crocodile on a very angry tone
"he is in the tree over there ,_hi hi_ " replies the lizard
Angry ,the crocodile heads towards the tree to have a word with the panda :
" Hei, panda bear" said the crocodile
The panda looks down :
"_Holly shit_...
_how much water did you drink_ ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajx4hg/the_panda_bear_and_the_lizard_were_smoking_pot_in/
%
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep.

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajx3lt/when_i_die_i_want_to_die_like_my_grandfather_who/
%
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man in a unicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajwxd4/what_is_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
%
What’s a Redneck Divorce have in Common with a Tornado?

In either case, someone’s losin’ the trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajws7x/whats_a_redneck_divorce_have_in_common_with_a/
%
Social Justice Warriors Favorite Sandwich:

Lettuce, Guacamole, Bacon and Tomato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajwqwf/social_justice_warriors_favorite_sandwich/
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"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajwm8u/mom_im_dating_a_man/
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A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajwm38/a_man_in_an_interrogation_room_says_im_not_saying/
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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajwlz2/my_sister_asked_for_me_to_bring_her_something/
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A Skeleton Picks up his Taco Bell Order and Says;

That's gonna go right through me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajwlhh/a_skeleton_picks_up_his_taco_bell_order_and_says/
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Did you know that in the Canary Islands there are no canaries? Same goes for the Virgin Islands of course.

There are no canaries there either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajwj5d/did_you_know_that_in_the_canary_islands_there_are/
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Whats the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajwin8/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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After a night out partying, my brother shows up with a huge bandage on his nose. His girlfriend said,"His nose was broken in three places."

Turns out it was exactly the same three places I had warned him not to go when he'd been drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajwhnt/after_a_night_out_partying_my_brother_shows_up/
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Friends do crosswords

Friend 1: emphatic NO, five letters
Friend 2: Never
Friend 1: firearm, three letters
Friend 2: Gun
Friend 1: disgust, three letters
Friend 2: ugh
Friend 1: form of charity, four letters
Friend 2: give
Friend 1: female sheep, three letters
Friend 2: ewe
Friend 1: Pixar movie, two letters
Friend 2: up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajwgkm/friends_do_crosswords/
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My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajwgdf/my_girlfriend_wanted_to_get_rid_of_all_the/
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What did Van Gogh call his other ear?

Van Stay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajwf7n/what_did_van_gogh_call_his_other_ear/
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The Sisters Of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door,and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.This nun instructs "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajwatc/the_sisters_of_mercy/
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Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajwafr/did_you_hear_about_the_irishman_who_was/
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Last night I couldn't stop dreaming about being a car muffler

When I woke up this morning, I was exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajw8x7/last_night_i_couldnt_stop_dreaming_about_being_a/
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A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.

Then, one day, the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just one evening. The philosopher agreed, and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.
However, when the time came for questions, someone at the back of the room asked him, "Is the epistemological meta-narrative that you seem to espouse compatible with a teleological account of the universe?"
"That's an extremely simple question," he replied. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajw80h/a_renowned_philosopher_was_held_in_high_regard_by/
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A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.
The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.
A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks again.
The vendor says “Whoa, man, where did that come from?”
The Buddhist replies “This is my inner piece”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajw5zq/a_buddhist_monk_walks_up_to_a_hot_dog_vendor_and/
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Gillette..

The best a ma’am can get

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajvygw/gillette/
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It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Paddy, so he asks Ciara's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Ciara's father, "Ciara really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Paddy's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Ciara comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Paddy escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Ciara rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajvuz6/its_the_spring_of_1957_and_paddy_goes_to_pick_up/
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A fat man passes by a brothel..

... When he sees an advertisement sign stating "New weight loss program, free trial!". Interested in what it might be he enters.  A beautiful nice receptionist welcomes him, when asked about the program she replies "In order to get started you've got to enter room one. It's a three day program, today's trial is free. "
He enters room one - and there's a gorgeous russian blonde waiting for him "Hello, I'm Anna - you catch me, you fuck me". The fat man isn't used to running, but with the right motivation he's all up for it. He finally catches her and it's just... wow.... Excited he decides to continue the program.
On the next day the receptionist asks him to pay upfront, 70€. It's not cheap but surely worth it "Please enter room two."... He does - and right behind the door, waiting just for him, is the most gorgeous exotic beauty he has ever seen. Caramel skin with eyes like charcoal accenting her shoulder long dark hair "Hey there, I'm Naomi - if you get me, you can fuck me". She's not only gorgeous, but also sportive - after what it feels like ages our big boned protagonist manages to catch up to her and has the best sex of his life. Shivering in expectation he leaves the brothel, wondering what tomorrow might bring.
On the next day the receptionist welcomes him again "Today it'll be 100€, please enter room three.", impatient as one can be he pays up and enters room three.
In there it's dark. Dark as night - he can't even see his own hands as the door falls shut, when suddenly dazzling white teeth pop up in front of him:
" 'ello I'm Mumawahabwe. I get you. I fuck you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajvtiz/a_fat_man_passes_by_a_brothel/
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When a man opens the car door for his wife, it means one of two things...

It's either a new car or a new wife!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajvqyw/when_a_man_opens_the_car_door_for_his_wife_it/
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I’m not sure what I like about unemployed Japanese people.

I just think they’re NEET.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajvpmm/im_not_sure_what_i_like_about_unemployed_japanese/
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I hate being a recovered kleptomaniac

I can’t take it any more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajvovs/i_hate_being_a_recovered_kleptomaniac/
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I was chatting with a fat girl visiting from London. She said, "How would you Americans describe me?"

I tried to be nice so I said, "Perhaps just as a broad broad abroad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajvmnl/i_was_chatting_with_a_fat_girl_visiting_from/
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I heard Elon Musk was going to send his mini-sub to the White House

Because Trump caved and now he's stuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajvfkg/i_heard_elon_musk_was_going_to_send_his_minisub/
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There's radical feminist plot to attack the postal service...

They heard it was a mail dominated industry..
( Possibility OC?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajvdnz/theres_radical_feminist_plot_to_attack_the_postal/
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I went to the doctor today for a checkup and he showed me on a chart that I'm 20 pounds overweight.

But, I pointed out that using his very same data, *I'm not overweight.* I just need to be 3 inches taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajvdeb/i_went_to_the_doctor_today_for_a_checkup_and_he/
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What is it called when you leave your office building well before the fire drill begins?

Premature evacuation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajv9fe/what_is_it_called_when_you_leave_your_office/
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I stopped hanging out with one of my friends when he was charged with sexual assault;;

I'm worried he might rub off on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajv6m0/i_stopped_hanging_out_with_one_of_my_friends_when/
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My mother gave birth to me on the stairs

Well, I guess she’s really my stepmother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajv67v/my_mother_gave_birth_to_me_on_the_stairs/
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A teacher asks a class of 1st graders

"If you're on a date how do you politely say you are going to the restroom?" A little girl says "Please excuse me while I go to the little girls room" the teacher says that's perfect, anyone else? A little boy says "If you'll excuse me for a moment, I need to shake hands with a dear friend of mine that I hope to introduce you to later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajv0th/a_teacher_asks_a_class_of_1st_graders/
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Hope she didn't break her hip

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajuszl/hope_she_didnt_break_her_hip/
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What do you call someone who takes pictures of gases as they're released?

A fartographer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajuq5o/what_do_you_call_someone_who_takes_pictures_of/
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A duck walks into a Mercedes dealership, and starts looking at cars.

A salesman approaches and says "can I help you sir"
The duck says "yes, I'm looking for a comfortable, yet fast car"
"Don't worry" says the duck "I have a well-paid job, and I can afford a Mercedes"
After some time the duck chooses a car and they retire to the salesman's office to make the purchase.
While the salesman completes the paperwork, the duck produces a large bag, and places it on the desk.
The salesman looks inside the bag, and sees it's full of feathers.
"What's this?" says the salesman.
The duck says.....
"It's a [down](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Down_feather) payment"
I thank you....
..
..
Edit added wikipaedia link for *down*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajujpm/a_duck_walks_into_a_mercedes_dealership_and/
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What do you call a dirty Halloween film?

Things that go Hump in the Night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajuh4h/what_do_you_call_a_dirty_halloween_film/
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Even though we didn't get the glorious wall the president promised...

We did get a massive cave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajudcp/even_though_we_didnt_get_the_glorious_wall_the/
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I got a tattoo for my girlfriend's birthday once...

Once, my girlfriend named Wendy turned 26, so I decided to get her name tattooed on my dingdong. After a few minutes and a world of pain, it was done and I was very happy with it, even though you could only see the letters W and Y in flaccid state. Later that day, I was happily using a urinal when suddenly a black man walked up to the urinal next to me and began to pee. I couldn't help but take a quick peek. To my utter amazement, I saw the letters W, and Y! So of course I had asked him: "hey, I couldn't help but notice the letters WY on your shlong, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?". To which the man replied: "Wendy? No man, that says Welcome to Jamaica, my beautiful country!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajucls/i_got_a_tattoo_for_my_girlfriends_birthday_once/
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Johnny came home from school feeling very proud of himself, his mum says Johnny why are you so happy? Johnny replied I got a question right that no one else could answer, mum says what was the question? Johnny replied.

Who has farted?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aju82w/johnny_came_home_from_school_feeling_very_proud/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Weak, cold, and in a sealed container.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aju81c/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Son is askin his father

'What is practical and theoretical?'
'Well,son,go ask your mother if he would sleep with your neighbour for 500.000$'
Son goes to ask mom,mom says yes
Son returns to dad and tells him what his mother replied
'Alright,says the father,now go and ask your sister the same question'
Son asks his sister if he would sleep with the neighbour for 500.000$,she also says yes.
Son asks his father:'My sister and my mom would both sleep with our neighbour for 500.000$.What is your point?'
Father:Well,theoretically we are millionaires,but practically your mom and your sister are whores

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aju74k/son_is_askin_his_father/
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What do you call a terrorist in Hawaii?

Aloha-akbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aju702/what_do_you_call_a_terrorist_in_hawaii/
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Whenever people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would survive in that situation.

Almost died watching Aquaman..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aju3hf/whenever_people_go_underwater_in_movies_i_like_to/
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My family has always been in medicine. My mom is a psychiatrist and my dad is a gastroenterologist.

They specialize in odds and ends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aju2pq/my_family_has_always_been_in_medicine_my_mom_is_a/
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A Tv-crew is sent to interview a farmer before the election.

"Could you please share with our viewers, how has the past year been for you?"
"Well, you know I can't complain. I had a very good harvest of wheat, so my family definitely won't go hungry. My vegetable patches brought in amazing organic crops, I was able to sell those at a good profit. And most if my pig sows have had large litters of piglets, and that's great!"
"So would you like to express your gratitude to the President and his administration for your success?"
"Why the hell should I? Me and my family tended the land, fertilized it, put sweat and blood into it, the crops were a direct result of our hard work!"
"Well surely you have to give some credit to the President!"
"Yeah, if I think about it, I am not directly responsible for the piglets... If he wants to take credit for that, who am I to say it wasn't him?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aju0fr/a_tvcrew_is_sent_to_interview_a_farmer_before_the/
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I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajtzph/i_never_thought_id_be_the_type_of_person_to_wake/
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Did you hear about the guy who tried to break the world record for number of times masturbating in one day?

He almost pulled it off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajttuz/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_tried_to_break_the/
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What causes menstruation?

Typically it's just an ovaryaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajtq74/what_causes_menstruation/
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Sex in prison is a lot like the sex in highschool.

The sex you want, you ain’t getting....and the sex you getting...you...dont...want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajtmh7/sex_in_prison_is_a_lot_like_the_sex_in_highschool/
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My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike...

My dad was behind me the whole time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajtk5k/my_first_time_having_sex_was_like_my_first_time/
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Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it....

So i did. We had a few drinks, we talked. I totally misjudged spiders. This guy was cool. He wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajth7b/wife_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead_of/
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How did the duck become a addict

He started doing sea-weed but quickly dived into quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajtboe/how_did_the_duck_become_a_addict/
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Trump’s wall is just like his penis.

He keeps talking about how great it will be, but nobody wants to see it, and he can’t even get it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajtaje/trumps_wall_is_just_like_his_penis/
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A five-year-old and a four-year-old decide to start cursing

A five-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the five-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you say "ass", okay?" The four-year-old agrees with great enthusiasm!
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five-year-old what he wants for breakfast, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
.....WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs bawling.
The mom looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I'm not sure," he says, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajt671/a_fiveyearold_and_a_fouryearold_decide_to_start/
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My priest got mad at me for drawing a risque woman showing her butt on a stained window, but thankfully he let me off with a warning.

Looks like I got a crass glass lass ass mass pass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajt4b0/my_priest_got_mad_at_me_for_drawing_a_risque/
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2 cats were racing across the English channel

An english cat named onetwothree, and a french cat name undeuxtrois.
Which cat won?
123 cat won because undeuxtroix quatre cinq

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajsy4r/2_cats_were_racing_across_the_english_channel/
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mother to son : what did you learn in school today ?

son : not enough !! they want me to go back tomorrow !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajshz9/mother_to_son_what_did_you_learn_in_school_today/
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

... They're not laughing now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajsgjy/people_laughed_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_be_a/
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Love means nothing to my wife...

Because she's a tennis player.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajscjt/love_means_nothing_to_my_wife/
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What did Hitler say to his Commander?

“I said a GLASS OF JUICE! Not gas the Jews!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajsbbt/what_did_hitler_say_to_his_commander/
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What's the difference between a good meal and a good time?

Where you put the cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajsalz/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_meal_and_a/
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Hey man, how much for the goth cucumber?

Sir, that's a cactus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajs97e/hey_man_how_much_for_the_goth_cucumber/
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My mate has just won an award for beating another 12 men in a bait digging contest.He has now been crowned.

The master baiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajs8sf/my_mate_has_just_won_an_award_for_beating_another/
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My wife warned me not to take the kitchen utensils.

But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajs7u2/my_wife_warned_me_not_to_take_the_kitchen_utensils/
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A guy is showing his friend around his apartment

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajs6s0/a_guy_is_showing_his_friend_around_his_apartment/
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The bank questioned the man why he didn't report the stolen credit card earlier.

"That son of a bitch was spending way less than my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajs42i/the_bank_questioned_the_man_why_he_didnt_report/
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How can you tell Jesus was Irish?

He lived at home until he was in his thirties, he thought his mother was a virgin, he was an unemployed carpenter who got into trouble with the Empire, his last night on Earth was spent out drinking with his mates, and his last request was a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajs0qb/how_can_you_tell_jesus_was_irish/
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[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.
I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajrz64/serious_just_a_reminder_to_be_careful_when/
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Why did Obama wear shoes, but Trump wears boots?

During the Obama years the shit was only ankle deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajrykt/why_did_obama_wear_shoes_but_trump_wears_boots/
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My wife warned me not to steal kitchen utensils

That’s a whisk I’m willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajryfy/my_wife_warned_me_not_to_steal_kitchen_utensils/
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Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street.

Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings. Robbie, quick as a flash, pulls down her knickers and fucks her ball-deep senseless. He turns to Elton and says, "your turn!" but Elton starts to cry. "What's wrong, Elton?" asks Robbie. Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajrqy4/kylie_minogue_elton_john_and_robbie_williams_are/
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Jewish women are so stingy

They want even their dicks at least 10% off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajrql9/jewish_women_are_so_stingy/
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American politics is like a penguin.

It has both a left wing and a right wing. But are only good for flapping and making noises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajrpnq/american_politics_is_like_a_penguin/
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Two Little Troublemakers

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior. One day, the mother heard of a clergyman in town that has been successful in disciplining children in the past, and asked for his help.
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?”
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”
The younger brother replied, “We are in BIG trouble now… They can’t find God and they’re blaming it on us!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajrmj5/two_little_troublemakers/
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How do you know that showers are horny?

Because every naked person turns it on.
Edit - Naked not named.... Bloody autocorrect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajri6n/how_do_you_know_that_showers_are_horny/
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Three women are having lunch

When they talk about their sex life and trying to get pregnant with their SO.
"Well I was on top when he finished, so I'm for sure it's gonna be a boy" says one.
"I was bottom, so I guess that means girl for me then, yeah?" Says another.
"OH FUCK, I'M GONNA HAVE PUPPIES!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajrhn3/three_women_are_having_lunch/
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What do you call the slit between Pamela Anderson's tits?

The silicone valley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajrhbs/what_do_you_call_the_slit_between_pamela/
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A guy arrives at a music-themed costume party and the host asks him what he is supposed to be. The guy happily shouts 'A harp'. The host pauses and then says 'I think that costume seems a little small to be a harp'.

The guy replies 'Are you calling me a lyre?'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajrewx/a_guy_arrives_at_a_musicthemed_costume_party_and/
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If you pull the pin out ofa grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?

I kinda need a quick response

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajrbm8/if_you_pull_the_pin_out_ofa_grenade_is_it/
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My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.

I said: “How can you say such a thing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajra1z/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_was_having_an_affair_with_a/
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You can't call them "Shithole" countries anymore.

They are now Turd World countries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajr944/you_cant_call_them_shithole_countries_anymore/
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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
*Moral of the story:*
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
&nbsp;
**Lesson 2:**
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
*Moral of the story:*
Always let your boss have the first say
&nbsp;
**Lesson 3:**
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
*Moral of the story:*
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
&nbsp;
**Lesson 4**
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
*Moral of the story:*
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up
&nbsp;
**Lesson 5:**
Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
*Moral of the story:*
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
&nbsp;
**Lesson 6**
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
*Moral of the story:*
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
&nbsp;
1. Thanks for the Platinum/Gold/Silver kind strangers. This is my first time getting each of these and it happened in a single post.
2. To all those people saying this is very old, yes, I did pull this out of my stash from 2012. So it is guaranteed older than that. But I have not seen it on reddit so thought of posting it.
3. /u/The_Manic_Wolf_ found [something you guys might like](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajr6t5/six_lessons_of_life/eezolz9/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajr6t5/six_lessons_of_life/
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What's the difference between a a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajr59a/whats_the_difference_between_a_a_gspot_and_a_golf/
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Life is like toilet paper....

You are either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajr3xe/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
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What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajr2d9/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_his/
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What's the most patriotic branch of the United States military?

Air Force.
Because they are United States AF.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajqz31/whats_the_most_patriotic_branch_of_the_united/
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A homeless man walks up to a swanky restaurant (long)

He says to the maitre d' 'I'm sorry to bother you but I'm homeless and haven't eaten all day. The smell of food from your kitchen is amazing, would I be able to have dinner here tonight for free?'
Moved though he is, the maitre d' replies that he is sorry and he can't give out free food. 'But', replies the man, 'what if I show you something truly incredible - something you've never seen before'. Curious at the originality of the offer the maitre d' agrees, at which point the homeless man pulls out a tiny hamster and a miniature piano and places them on his hand. At a nod the hamster sits at the instrument and starts to play. Amazed, and being a man of his word, the maitre d' ushers the homeless man inside and takes his order.
Half way through the meal the homeless man beckons the maitre d' over and says 'this food is delicious, but what would go really well with it would be a bottle of wine - would you indulge me if I were to show you another truly incredible spectacle?'. Assured of the man's ability to produce the remarkable the maitre d' agrees and the homeless man pulls out the hamster and piano from one pocket and from the other a small frog. The hamster sits at the piano and starts up a tune, at which point the frog bursts into song.
The performance lasts a few minutes and by the end the maitre d' is rushing off to grab the most expensive bottle he can find for the homeless man. While he is away from the table a rich businessman leans over and says to the homeless man 'That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen! I'll give you £100,000 for the pair of them'. The homeless man furrows his brow in thought and though he looks tempted he eventually says to the businessman 'I'm sorry, that's a lot of money but these amazing creatures are my livelihood - I simply can't part with them'. Not to be deterred the businessman replies 'Okay I understand - but what about £200,000 for just the frog?' Considering the offer the homeless man agrees, they make the exchange and the businessman leaves. Upon returning to the table and hearing of the deal the maitre d' is incredulous. 'Why did you make this deal sir? A talking frog is totally unheard of - you could have made millions from it! What on earth compelled you to part with it. Finishing his meal the homeless man stands up and says to the maitre d' - 'Oh don't worry, the hamster's a ventriloquist'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajqxaq/a_homeless_man_walks_up_to_a_swanky_restaurant/
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A period in a sentence can make a huge difference

Mikaela was surprised Robbie ate her sandwich
Mikaela was surprised Robbie ate her period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajqw87/a_period_in_a_sentence_can_make_a_huge_difference/
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Why did the sexual deviant cross the road?

because his dick was stuck in the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajqvtt/why_did_the_sexual_deviant_cross_the_road/
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What’s a pirates favourite paint?

Davy Jones Lacquer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajqoc0/whats_a_pirates_favourite_paint/
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My voice is like a pony

It's a little horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajqnkd/my_voice_is_like_a_pony/
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Why do Reddit users hate Facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on Facebook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajqjwu/why_do_reddit_users_hate_facebook/
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I can’t believe that in 2019 viruses and bacteria can still just invade my body whenever they want

It makes me sick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajqje7/i_cant_believe_that_in_2019_viruses_and_bacteria/
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My doctor said I was going deaf.

Haven't heard from him since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajqdh8/my_doctor_said_i_was_going_deaf/
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If pronouncing my B like a V makes me sound Russian...

Then soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajqb11/if_pronouncing_my_b_like_a_v_makes_me_sound/
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If I had a Delorean...

I would probably only drive it from time to time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajq9ro/if_i_had_a_delorean/
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My (now) ex and I were watching 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire while we were in bed'...

I asked if she wanted to have sex.
She shook her head and said, "No."
I asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time and said, "Yes.."
I said, "Then, I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how to turn a girlfriend into an ex instantly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajq7dx/my_now_ex_and_i_were_watching_who_wants_to_be_a/
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My wife and I had this huge argument about which vowel is the most important.

I won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajq2co/my_wife_and_i_had_this_huge_argument_about_which/
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Me: Damnit! The forecast shows up to 5 inches of snow!!

Wife: If I don’t complain about a few inches, neither should you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpz11/me_damnit_the_forecast_shows_up_to_5_inches_of/
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Or what?

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him that for the past seven months his wife won't have sex with him. The doctor advises that the wife come into his office herself so he can talk to her. When the wife walks in the next day, the therapist asks her to tell everything in detail.
"You see, doctor" begins the wife, "for the past seven months, I am forced to take a cab to work. Since I don't have enough money to pay for the fare, when the cab driver asks 'So, are you gonna pay or what?' I am take the 'or what?' As a result, I come in late to work. When the boss asks me 'Shall I deduct the missed time from your salary or what?' once again I choose 'or what?' At the end of the day, I take the cab home and it's the same story with the driver, and again, I choose 'or what?' So tell me doctor, how am I supposed to fuck my husband after all of this?
The doctor thinks for a moment and then says. "Hmm, interesting case indeed. So, shall I tell your husband everything you told me just now, or what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpycc/or_what/
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Hey! Vsauce, Michael here.. What is.... a joke?

There are dozens of people reading this joke at any one time. And some will upvote, most will downvote, and some will comment about, well, anything.... and everything. But why are they here?
You see, most people on r/Jokes have never actually laughed at a joke on this sub. They expect someone to say something like,
*“My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.”*
...And when they read that, they exhale through their nose and close their eyes... but they never actually laugh. But they do upvote, even without the laugh.
...And as always. Thanks for watching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpxzu/hey_vsauce_michael_here_what_is_a_joke/
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Where do they send the kids with ADHD?

To a concentration camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpxtw/where_do_they_send_the_kids_with_adhd/
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You know which actor is best known for his headshot?

John Wilkes Booth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpx2g/you_know_which_actor_is_best_known_for_his/
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Harvard Life

Student : Do you know where the library is at?
Professor : Young Man, here at Harvard, we never end the sentence with a preposition.
Student: Oh, I’m sorry! Do you know where the library is at , asshole?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpv2p/harvard_life/
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Hillary's emails finally lead to an arrest.

Roger Stone was arrested for his communications with the Trump campaign regarding Wikileaks and Hillary Clinton’s emails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpty9/hillarys_emails_finally_lead_to_an_arrest/
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Break Ups.....

Girl : I am breaking up with you.
Boy: Ok!
Girl : You will never find somebody like me again.....
Boy : Thank God!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpqhe/break_ups/
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Three nuns die and go to heaven

, where they stand at the golden gates and each have to go to Peter, who tells them they have to answer one question to enter heaven.
„Who was the first man on earth?“, Peter asks.
„Oh, thats an easy one“, the first nun says,“It was Adam of course!“
Music chimes, the gates open and the first nun enters heaven.
„Who was the first woman on earth?“, Peter asks the second nun.
„Oh, thats an easy one“, she says,“It was Eve of course!“
Music chimes, the gates open and the second nun enters heaven.
Finally, the third nun stand before Peter.
„What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?“, Peter asks her.
„Oh, thats a hard one“, she says.
Music chimes, the gates open and the third nun enters heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpov8/three_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpnac/beer_bottle_you_break_me_you_get_1_year_of_bad/
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A comic with the measles did a set at an anti-vaxxers conference.

Needless to say he killed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajplvp/a_comic_with_the_measles_did_a_set_at_an/
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For some reason, all my friends think I'm too patronizing

That means they think I talk to people like they're stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpl60/for_some_reason_all_my_friends_think_im_too/
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My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action.

So I expanded the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpj5f/my_wife_told_me_she_wanted_to_widen_her_range_of/
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Receiving a kiss while sleeping is the most pure form of love there is...

Unless  you're in prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpefv/receiving_a_kiss_while_sleeping_is_the_most_pure/
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How long is a chinese man

that's a fact

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpdfu/how_long_is_a_chinese_man/
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Who really cares how much sex you have?

It's the thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpd2v/who_really_cares_how_much_sex_you_have/
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I don't mean to be bad at origami.

That's just how things unfold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajpa97/i_dont_mean_to_be_bad_at_origami/
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Why do I not post jokes in English?

Because I have no sense of EUmer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajp9a4/why_do_i_not_post_jokes_in_english/
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Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajp7p2/christmas_joke_nsfw/
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Why did the girl by the seashore get in trouble with the SEC?

She was running a unregistered shell company

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajp6qp/why_did_the_girl_by_the_seashore_get_in_trouble/
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I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajp6q2/ive_been_training_for_months_to_achieve_the_world/
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I decided to get a tattoo that would make a point and not hurt too much.

Here is a picture:
.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajp3p5/i_decided_to_get_a_tattoo_that_would_make_a_point/
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Ignoranus:

A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajp2pq/ignoranus/
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Went to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant last night.

Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajp2c0/went_to_a_mary_poppins_themed_restaurant_last/
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So, the make a wish foundation arrives at a hospital room

They talk to the child laying there,
“ are you ready for the surprise of a lifetime“
The kid in a raspy voice replies, “ So a short one?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajovq9/so_the_make_a_wish_foundation_arrives_at_a/
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I like my women like I like my whiskey

Incapable of loving me back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajou6d/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
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Why does Jesus hate Christian rock?

#Because it fucking sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajotyp/why_does_jesus_hate_christian_rock/
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Little Eddy's comments have really offended the girls at school

After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out in protest.
Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?"
The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know".
The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain."
Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building.
The class remains quiet.
The teacher says: "WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that?"
Eddy: "For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish."
At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out.
Eddy looks around and says:
Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are not hiring yet, still waiting for final permit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajosui/little_eddys_comments_have_really_offended_the/
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Her: I like your name

Me: Thanks, I got it for my birthday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajorv6/her_i_like_your_name/
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The hospital I'm staying in was just robbed, I guess you could say...

There were Pirates of the Care-I-Be-In

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajoriy/the_hospital_im_staying_in_was_just_robbed_i/
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What do you get when you have sex with a dirty sailor?

Dishonorable discharge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajoqoz/what_do_you_get_when_you_have_sex_with_a_dirty/
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajoq85/did_you_hear_about_the_two_thieves_who_stole_a/
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A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajooms/a_family_is_driving_behind_a_garbage_truck_when_a/
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My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajonq0/my_teacher_told_me_id_never_be_good_at_poetry/
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Kentuckians

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajolsy/kentuckians/
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Why are people always hotter when they're standing up?

Sitting down they're only 90 degrees, standing up they're 180.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajokx0/why_are_people_always_hotter_when_theyre_standing/
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Why can’t seals be famous DJs?

Because they’re scared of club hits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajojhi/why_cant_seals_be_famous_djs/
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I heard a life tip that went; If you’re ever too embarrassed to buy something, get a birthday card with it.

The cashier wasn’t amused by the birthday tampons for my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajoiav/i_heard_a_life_tip_that_went_if_youre_ever_too/
%
What do you call a blonde who dyed herself brunette?

Artificial Intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajof1q/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_who_dyed_herself/
%
"Have you ever cheated on me?"

An old married couple was sitting on a bench in a park. They have seen plenty of struggles and success in their long life together, and now were enjoying retirement.
"I have been faithful to you all these years, darling", the man continued, "I have sometimes wondered about your loyalty, but I have never asked you this before. We have been together for 40 years, and now I think the answer wouldn't change much, but I would still like to know. So have you?"
"Well, if you really want to know... I have cheated on you on 3 occasions...." the woman replied.
"Gosh... Well, it could have been worse, I suppose... What was the first occasion?"
"Remember that time in your youth when you desperately required a surgery?"
"Yes, I remember"
"Well, no doctor would risk taking your case, but in the end a well known surgeon suddenly agreed to, and saved your life. That was the first time..." she replied.
"Darling... I can hardly blame you for that... You saved my life! What was the second occasion?"
"Remember that time your business partner set you up?"
"Yes, I remember that too!"
"Well, a mafioso loan shark was out to hurt or kill you, but then he suddenly eased off and gave you a year to pay him back. That was the second time..." she replied.
"Wow... I don't know what to say... Once again it seems that you did it purely to save me... What was the third occasion?"
"Remember that time you were running for public office?"
"Let me guess, you slept with my opponent and he lost on purpose?"
"Not quite, he didn't agree to it. But you were only 300 votes short..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajoegk/have_you_ever_cheated_on_me/
%
Meanwhile at an ISIS training camp

A bunch of prospective terrorists gathered for their final training lesson before going into the field.
Their instructor said, “Now, watch closely, children. I can only show you how to do this once.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajoalw/meanwhile_at_an_isis_training_camp/
%
My grandfather never forgave the Japanese for Pearl Harbor.

Until I explained to him that it was the Americans who made that movie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajo7hu/my_grandfather_never_forgave_the_japanese_for/
%
Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajo4y7/isnt_it_weird_when_sometimes_youre_thinking_about/
%
I don't like making jokes about agoraphobia.

They never go anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajo3fz/i_dont_like_making_jokes_about_agoraphobia/
%
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajo05p/ive_been_taking_viagra_for_my_sunburn/
%
There are 10 kinds of people.

Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajnyv3/there_are_10_kinds_of_people/
%
What is reincarnation? A cowboy asks his friend.

It starts, his old pal told him, when your life comes to an end.
They wash your neck and comb your hair and clean your fingernails,
And put you in a padded box away from life's travails.
The box and you goes in a hole that's been dug in the ground.
Reincarnation starts in when you're planted neath that mound.
Them clods melt down, just like the box, and you who is inside.
And that's when you begin your transformation ride.
And in a while the grass will grow upon your rendered mound,
Until some day, upon that spot, a lonely flower is found.
And then a horse may wander by and graze upon that flower
That once was you, and now has become your vegetated bower.
Now, the flower that the horse done eat, along with his other feed,
Makes bone and fat and muscle essential to the steed.
But there's a part that he can't use and so it passes through.
And there it lies upon the ground, this thing that once was you.
And if perchance, I should pass by and see this on the ground,
I'll stop awhile and ponder at this object that I've found.
I'll think about Reincarnation and life and death and such,
And come away concludin', why, you ain't changed all that much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajntq9/what_is_reincarnation_a_cowboy_asks_his_friend/
%
Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."
"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajnka6/johnys_mom_was_explaining_him_the_benefits_of/
%
Why does Goku hate Samsung phones?

They might blow up and kill him, just like the last cell he held onto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajngbi/why_does_goku_hate_samsung_phones/
%
To all those who received a book from me for Christmas

They're due back at the library today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajnent/to_all_those_who_received_a_book_from_me_for/
%
An elephant and a mouse are walking through a forest...

When suddenly the elephant falls through a trap  hole and can't get out.
Mouse starts panicking as the elephant, stuck, pleads for help.
So the mouse starts thinking... and runs back all the way out of the forest, where he finds a parking lot.
At the edge of the parking lot, he sees a red Mercedes Benz convertible...
Mouse hops in and drives the Benz to the elephant.
Luckily, When he opens the trunk, he finds a rope, which he attaches to the Benz and then throws it to the elephant in the trap hole.
Mouse then drives the car forward and elephant is able to pull himself out of the hole.
The elephant is very gracious the thanks Mouse and they continue on their journey...
After a little while walking through the forest, Mouse suddenly drops into a trap hole and as he's panicking he calls out to the elephant and pleads to the elephant for help...
Elephant starts thinking, then straddles the hole and let's his dick dangle down the trap hole, which Mouse is easily able to climb up and get out the trap hole.
Moral of the story: if you got a big Dick you don't need a Mercedes Benz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajnc40/an_elephant_and_a_mouse_are_walking_through_a/
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to the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

you can hide, but you cannot run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajnba2/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods

But it’s harder to deter gents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajnaft/its_easy_to_prevent_women_from_eating_tide_pods/
%
2 Crazy people meet at a mental asylum

Crazy person 1: I am jesus, god told me that in my dreams
Crazy person 2: fuck no I didn't tell you that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajn8zv/2_crazy_people_meet_at_a_mental_asylum/
%
A lot of people are concerned that Donald Trump will start a nuclear war.

That'll only happen if he reaches critical ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajn8oz/a_lot_of_people_are_concerned_that_donald_trump/
%
I finally got a date for Valentine's day.

February 14th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajn61y/i_finally_got_a_date_for_valentines_day/
%
Why was the bee shot by the shrinking ray upset?

It felt beelittled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajn5tn/why_was_the_bee_shot_by_the_shrinking_ray_upset/
%
Someone ran up to me with a guitar and said they would hit me with it

I then said “is that a fret”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajn56w/someone_ran_up_to_me_with_a_guitar_and_said_they/
%
I caught Buzz Lightyear masturbating in my freezer.

He said “I come in peas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajmxal/i_caught_buzz_lightyear_masturbating_in_my_freezer/
%
My friend was caught with a kilo of weed in Saudi Arabia.

He was stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajmwve/my_friend_was_caught_with_a_kilo_of_weed_in_saudi/
%
Why do sewers have locks on them?

So people won't steal your shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajmwnq/why_do_sewers_have_locks_on_them/
%
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajmtgy/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
%
I don't think dick jokes are very funny

Maybe I should try harder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajmq0k/i_dont_think_dick_jokes_are_very_funny/
%
What do you call a sleepy dinosaur?

A Dinosnore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajml2a/what_do_you_call_a_sleepy_dinosaur/
%
God was showing off the mountains he made to his angels...

He showed them the Alps, the Himalayas, and the Pyrenees.
Impressed, the first angel said "that's nice, got any more?"
God replied, "oh yeah, Andes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajmemt/god_was_showing_off_the_mountains_he_made_to_his/
%
Roof Bear

A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.  So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.  When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajm9dv/roof_bear/
%
Physicians were discussing who to build Trump’s Mexican Wall

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.  The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought Trump had a lot of nerve.  Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"  The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.  Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.  The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."  The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.  Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.  In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajm7bk/physicians_were_discussing_who_to_build_trumps/
%
I just found out I couldn't use "beef stew" as a password.

Apparently it's not stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajm6ax/i_just_found_out_i_couldnt_use_beef_stew_as_a/
%
I’m planning to throw a rock at my grandma with dementia

She won’t know what hit her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajm4ch/im_planning_to_throw_a_rock_at_my_grandma_with/
%
A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”
“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.”
“But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.”
“Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.”
“But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.”
“Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-”
“But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.”
The priest falls silent.
“And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…”
The priest still did not answer.
“And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well…”
The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth – only to find the priest up on the belfry.
“Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!”
“Back off, I’m not coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the Church's fucking empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajm1ld/a_priest_is_sitting_inside_the_church_when_a_guy/
%
I was going to post a time traveling joke

But you guys didn't like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajlxnr/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_traveling_joke/
%
Why are there two ‘D’s in reddit?

Because the second one is a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajlxkm/why_are_there_two_ds_in_reddit/
%
Many years ago, there was a very lazy fencing duellist

In one of his most notable bouts, against the Marquis of Mod, his opponent noticed a very glaring pattern.
Upon exploiting this weakness and winning the duel, the Marquis approached the lazy duellist and questioned his methods-
"Why, may I ask, do you always seem to attack upon completing your parries?", he asked in a rather bemused fashion.
The lethargic duellist admitted, "It is because I know that riposting requires the least effort"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajlx21/many_years_ago_there_was_a_very_lazy_fencing/
%
A man walks into the doctor's office and says 'Doctor, I have this terrible fear that I'm going to be eaten by a chicken.'

I feel like a grain of corn trapped in a man's body.'
The doctor says 'Don't worry, we can help you.'
Months go by and after many therapies the doctor says 'We've done everything we could to help you and now I can safely say that you don't feel like a grain anymore.'
The man says '*I* know that, doctor, but the chicken doesn't.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajluwo/a_man_walks_into_the_doctors_office_and_says/
%
Apparently you can’t use beef stew as a password

It’s not stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajlrr4/apparently_you_cant_use_beef_stew_as_a_password/
%
Son, I killed 15 people in Vietnam

”Dad, you’re 42.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajlqcq/son_i_killed_15_people_in_vietnam/
%
An islander walks up to a hooker

And after checking the price he says “hey I want to do it island style”
“Sure “ she says as they begin to go at it hammer and tongs through every position and technique known to man, and each time she would ask “was that island style?” to which the answer every time was “no.. no.. no.. no.. no.. “
On and on they go until finally her repertoire is exhausted and they collapse in a sweaty heap, with the final answer also being “no.”
She can’t believe there could be another style out there and has to know “well what’s island style?!”
“Oh Island style: pay you next week”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajloqq/an_islander_walks_up_to_a_hooker/
%
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It might take more than 3 minutes to get me hard, I just got laid this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajlggk/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_pot_of_boiling_water/
%
What piece of furniture never uses a condom?

Pull out couch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajlg6v/what_piece_of_furniture_never_uses_a_condom/
%
Who was the Arab that derived the quadratic formula?

Al Gebra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajlccd/who_was_the_arab_that_derived_the_quadratic/
%
Tyrion Lannister walks into a brothel...

and selects his whore for the night. After a bit of foreplay he instructs her to put on a blindfold. Moments after putting it on she gasps as she feels him enter her-
"M'lord, tis the biggest I've ever had!"
"You think that's big? Wait until I put in the other leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajlaf9/tyrion_lannister_walks_into_a_brothel/
%
Making 6 figures a year sounds like a dream come true...

Unless you work for an action figure manufacturing company.  Then it sounds like a quick way to the unemployment line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajl7zn/making_6_figures_a_year_sounds_like_a_dream_come/
%
I am wearing a belt made of watches.

It is a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajl5lo/i_am_wearing_a_belt_made_of_watches/
%
A chicken farmer goes into a bar....

A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence," she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajl3by/a_chicken_farmer_goes_into_a_bar/
%
Violets are blue, roses are red

"Why is this backwards?"
That's what she said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajl2at/violets_are_blue_roses_are_red/
%
What do you get when you cross a Hells Angel with a Mormon?

Somebody that comes to your house and tells YOU to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajl00o/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_hells_angel_with/
%
A grandfather tells his grandchild one of his stories from WW2

Grandfather : "Our squad was once captured by the enemy, half of us were raped, the other half got brutally killed."
Grandchild : "Which half were you part of grandpa' ?"
Grandfather : "Pfft, is that even a question ? Obviously the latter !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajkzx7/a_grandfather_tells_his_grandchild_one_of_his/
%
What’s the hardest thing about playing fortnite?

Telling your parents you’re gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajkuip/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_playing_fortnite/
%
What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking, she's going to eat me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajkrlh/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
%
What’s Mr. Lahey’s favorite smoothie?

Orange Julian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajkolc/whats_mr_laheys_favorite_smoothie/
%
Light travels faster than sound

That’s why people appear bright before they speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajkkqp/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
Brain-eating amoeba

You're not you when it's hungry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajkiup/braineating_amoeba/
%
Im writing my autobiography

"Oh nice!"
"Yea im planning on killing off the main character"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajkgjl/im_writing_my_autobiography/
%
A man is talking to the family doctor.

"Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajkbl7/a_man_is_talking_to_the_family_doctor/
%
Thousands of crates of moisturizer were reported stolen today

... Police looking for a smooth criminal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajk7kc/thousands_of_crates_of_moisturizer_were_reported/
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What did the oracle say to Oedipus?

"Surprise, motherfucker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajk6p7/what_did_the_oracle_say_to_oedipus/
%
Reverend...how do I know God exists if I can't see Him?"

"You can feel Him from within."
"I don't understand."
"Well, for instance - can you see my cock at the moment?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajk6m9/reverendhow_do_i_know_god_exists_if_i_cant_see_him/
%
My urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is only a whim away

A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajk393/my_urge_to_sing_the_lion_sleeps_tonight_is_only_a/
%
Nicolas Maduro walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer

"That'll be 1.254,430,197 bolivars, sir!"
"1,279,722,978 bolivars?!  No one can afford a 1,327,003,407 bolivar beer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajk2td/nicolas_maduro_walked_into_a_bar_and_asked_the/
%
In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please.

Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajk2j7/in_a_boomerang_shop_id_like_to_buy_a_new/
%
“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”

“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajk1t6/you_know_how_it_is_in_life_one_door_closes_that/
%
Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.

But hell does that burn!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajk0st/coco_chanel_once_said_that_you_should_put_perfume/
%
My wife left me because I am paranoid

Oh wait, never mind. She just went to the kitchen to make coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajk0rl/my_wife_left_me_because_i_am_paranoid/
%
What do you call a furry hip hop group?

the uwu-tang clan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajjz95/what_do_you_call_a_furry_hip_hop_group/
%
Arizona bill proposes charging porn consumers $20 to fund Trump's border wall. [OC]

In other words: If you cum, they will build it.
(Resubmitting due to rule violation the first time)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajjx6g/arizona_bill_proposes_charging_porn_consumers_20/
%
My wife says I only have two faults.

1. I don't listen
2. Some other shit she was blathering on about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajjrar/my_wife_says_i_only_have_two_faults/
%
Why did God create women?

Because hopes and dreams cannot crush themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajjq69/why_did_god_create_women/
%
I was going to buy an invisible sword...

But I don't see the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajjpzy/i_was_going_to_buy_an_invisible_sword/
%
Shipwrecked

A man was shipwrecked on an isolated island with nobody for company except his faithful dog. Many months passed and life was getting monotonous until one day he spotted a sheep on the other side of the island.
Slowly approaching the sheep, he managed to get it into position and was about to mount it when suddenly his dog gave out a frantic bark and he had to give up the idea. A second and subsequent attempts by the man to approach the sheep from the rear met with similar frustrations.
Then one day, a pretty girl was washed ashore almost lifeless, a victim of another shipwreck. After some furious efforts at resuscitation, the man managed to revive the girl.
The girl thanked the man profusely. "I'm so grateful I'd do anything for you. Anything." she said.
"Good!" said the love-struck man happily, "Can you watch my dog for fifteen minutes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajjn3g/shipwrecked/
%
George wasn't feeling too good. He felt worn out.

"How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Every Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, never fail", said George.
"Why not cut out Sunday?", suggested the doctor.
"I can't do that. It's the only day I'm home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajjmd8/george_wasnt_feeling_too_good_he_felt_worn_out/
%
Peter & Paula

"Wake up Paula!" Peter yelled at 2am.
"You won't believe what just happened! I went to have a leak and a strange light came on from nowhere. When I finished the light went out again. It's a miracle!"
"No, it's not," said Paula. "You've pissed in the friggin' fridge again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajjm4o/peter_paula/
%
A baby whale asks his dad where he came from...

Father whale: "From my penis that inseminated your mother."
Son: "I see... Thanks Dad"
Father: "You're whale cum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajjl0m/a_baby_whale_asks_his_dad_where_he_came_from/
%
The disc drive on my DVD player is busted. I guess you could say it has...

Ejectile disfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajjjz4/the_disc_drive_on_my_dvd_player_is_busted_i_guess/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

If they fall forward they’d land in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajjjv2/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_out_of_the_boat/
%
Where do poor Italians live?

The spaghetto
P.S- If this joke was made before, sorry. First post on r/Jokes, and I thought to post this after coming up with it this evening. Thanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajji66/where_do_poor_italians_live/
%
What do Trump and his iPhone have in common?

You can't really tell. It's an Apple and orange comparison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajjffb/what_do_trump_and_his_iphone_have_in_common/
%
Kurt Cobain hated “Smells Like Teen Spirit” so much...

He killed the songwriter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajjer7/kurt_cobain_hated_smells_like_teen_spirit_so_much/
%
My dad said that if he saw me browsing this subreddit one more time, he’d smash my head into my keyboard.

Thankfully, I’ve been pretty smart about it so he stisofjrnsidjf:;/sb sodnenfz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajjccs/my_dad_said_that_if_he_saw_me_browsing_this/
%
I'll say this about Drake

Most rappers date nines and tens, but he goes to Eleven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajj9uj/ill_say_this_about_drake/
%
Did you hear about the creator of Arm & Hammer?

He used to be armed and hammered, but he really cleaned up his act.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajj9p2/did_you_hear_about_the_creator_of_arm_hammer/
%
A window pops out of a skyscraper and falls on a guy, completely slicing off the entire left side of his body.

He's alright now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajj6k0/a_window_pops_out_of_a_skyscraper_and_falls_on_a/
%
Why don’t Americans tell knock knock jokes?

Because freedom always rings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajj0wv/why_dont_americans_tell_knock_knock_jokes/
%
My walkman is in prison

It was charged with battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajiy52/my_walkman_is_in_prison/
%
A cube walks into a bar...

A cube walks into a bar and comes out as a sphere. A passerby saw and asked them what happened. The sphere replied “oh I just had a drink to take the edge off”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajiwlh/a_cube_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajiwji/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
To solve world hunger we need to eat the rich and erect a giant statue of Bernie Sanders. Why do we need the statue?

Well, I’m glad that the first step didn’t raise any questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajir01/to_solve_world_hunger_we_need_to_eat_the_rich_and/
%
Peter wanted to renovate his house ...

He knocked everything old down and tore off the wallpapers. With the house being full of nooks and crannies, he was struggling to calculate what amount of new wallpapers to buy.
Luckily he heard his neighbour Jimmy coming home and asked him how many rolls he bought, when he was rapapering his house, because they had the same layout.
Jimmy needed a few seconds, but then told him
"I'm quite sure, that I bought 73 rolls back then!"
"Such a relief, I'm so bad at maths ... thanks man!"
So he went and bought the wallpapers.
After finally finishing his house, he notices more than 15 rolls being left.
Angrily he walks over to Jimmy "What the hell man?! I bought more than 15 rolls of wallpaper to much!"
"Yeah ... me too, back then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajiqaf/peter_wanted_to_renovate_his_house/
%
London taxi.

London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio.  (You just got to love the Brits.)
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London.  He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off  the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in  the time of the prophet there was no music, esp ecially Western music which is the music of  the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajihr3/london_taxi/
%
Life is like jail

You will end up being fucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajihqz/life_is_like_jail/
%
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajicwx/scientists_have_been_studying_the_effect_of/
%
What's more popular than Tinder in Alabama?

Kindling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajibbb/whats_more_popular_than_tinder_in_alabama/
%
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad:Never said I was a good one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aji6wu/son_in_iraq_i_killed_15_people/
%
Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"
A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."
"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".
He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy."
"Close, but not exacly, that's what we call a great loss" replies the president.
Next, a 6th grader speaks up, "if a bomb went off in DC and killed you and all of congress, that would be a tragedy."
"That's really great!" The president continues, "how did you know that?"
"Well, it's clearly not an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aji6wq/trump_is_at_an_elementary_school_assembly_and_asks/
%
What do you call someone who immigrates to Sweden?

An artifical swedener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aji4ul/what_do_you_call_someone_who_immigrates_to_sweden/
%
The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aji4lv/the_police_officer_took_my_weed_but_as_i_had_a/
%
Huffington Post has fired their entire opinion section.

It’s all unbiased and factual journalism now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aji2oz/huffington_post_has_fired_their_entire_opinion/
%
A little old couple are sitting on their porch side by side in rocking chairs

Out of nowhere, the little old woman reaches over and smacks her husband across the face.
He looks at her in shock and goes, "What the hell was that for?!"
"That's for having a tiny dick to pleasure me with for the past 60 years!"
They go back to rocking back and forth in their rocking chair, until 10 minutes later the man reaches over and smacks his wife across the face.
"What the hell was that for?!" She yells.
"That's for knowing the difference!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajhsh5/a_little_old_couple_are_sitting_on_their_porch/
%
What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajhr66/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
What’s orange and sounds like parrot?

An orange parrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajhpdx/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_parrot/
%
A woman is suffering from a rare disease, so her doctor prescribes her Testosterone,

two pills a day. She is a little skeptical but she takes it nonetheless.
A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. The doctor asks her how she is feeling.
She responds, “Oh I’m quite alright, however I am noticing a bit of hair growth...”
The doctor then reassures her, “A little hair growth is perfectly normal, nothing to worry about. Where is this hair growing?”
She says, “On my balls, doctor. On my balls.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajhkge/a_woman_is_suffering_from_a_rare_disease_so_her/
%
What do you call the first migrant off of the boat? Amhere. What do you call the second migrant off the boat? Amhere Azwell. What do you call the third migrant off the boat?

Amhere Azwell Azthem..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajhifu/what_do_you_call_the_first_migrant_off_of_the/
%
What do you call Hitler's driver?

Chauffuror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajhg4p/what_do_you_call_hitlers_driver/
%
Old scissors both are and aren't cutting edge technology.

Facts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajheae/old_scissors_both_are_and_arent_cutting_edge/
%
As a doctor I never make fun of unvaccinated kids.

I don’t like to joke about dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajhbyl/as_a_doctor_i_never_make_fun_of_unvaccinated_kids/
%
Politics and religion is like a d-ck

you shouldn't force it down anyone's throat especially your children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajhah8/politics_and_religion_is_like_a_dck/
%
What do you call a rural drug dealer?

A Farmacist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajh8iy/what_do_you_call_a_rural_drug_dealer/
%
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?

“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajh4ck/what_song_did_kenny_rogers_write_after_his_cowboy/
%
If you’re with a man that doesn’t like fruit puns...

You gotta let that mango.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajgyze/if_youre_with_a_man_that_doesnt_like_fruit_puns/
%
A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”
“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.
“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually magic” the doctor replied
“Well then how do you know he’s schizophrenic”
The doctor took a deep sigh and said,
“Well ma’am, you see, Jack and the beans talk”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajgxmg/a_concerned_mother_checks_her_son_into_a_mental/
%
What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajgvja/whats_the_difference_between_a_ferrari_and_a_pile/
%
I went to a Soviet era Russia restaurant once.

I waited 20 minutes for the food and then the server came and told me, "sorry we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajgveq/i_went_to_a_soviet_era_russia_restaurant_once/
%
Where all the little kids go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajgumw/where_all_the_little_kids_go_during_the_bombing/
%
Where did lucy go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajgs63/where_did_lucy_go_during_the_bombing/
%
I failed my fire safety exam today when the instructor asked me what steps I would take in case I see a fire.

“Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajgqgj/i_failed_my_fire_safety_exam_today_when_the/
%
My girlfriend said “come over, nobody’s home”

Nobody was home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajgm5l/my_girlfriend_said_come_over_nobodys_home/
%
Why did the stone mason leave his wife?

He felt taken for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajglq8/why_did_the_stone_mason_leave_his_wife/
%
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne?

– Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajgh8a/what_is_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
%
Mormon missionary visitation

Sunday morning the weather was too cloudy to play golf. I was wondering around with nothing to do when I heard the door bell ring. I opened it to see a well dressed man standing there who said,
"I'm a Mormon missionairy, do you have a moment for Jesus Christ?" With nothing else going on I said, "Come in and sit down."
We sat down, I offered him a cup of coffee and asked, "What would you like to talk about?"
The young man replied, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajggxz/mormon_missionary_visitation/
%
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajgf54/a_guy_sits_down_in_a_diner_and_asks_for_a_bowl_of/
%
If Trump is so worried about border security, maybe he should take Prozac.

You know, for Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajgeau/if_trump_is_so_worried_about_border_security/
%
Some of my friends make The Offspring puns, some of them violently hate them

I guess I gotta keep em separated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajg974/some_of_my_friends_make_the_offspring_puns_some/
%
People who say they suffer from constipation

are full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajg90n/people_who_say_they_suffer_from_constipation/
%
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .
P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajg7yo/if_all_people_were_like_redditors_we_would_have_a/
%
Kowalski, dialysis.

Kidneys are failing, sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajg6bw/kowalski_dialysis/
%
Why don’t you want to win an argument with your wife?

Because you don’t want to be married to a loser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajg5ro/why_dont_you_want_to_win_an_argument_with_your/
%
I matched with a midget on Tinder. She said what’s up. I said...

Well technically everything is, from your perspective!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajg39w/i_matched_with_a_midget_on_tinder_she_said_whats/
%
I’m single and I have huge tits

It’s tough being a guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajfze2/im_single_and_i_have_huge_tits/
%
Dad Joke

My dad - who was a chef - always referred to the cheese knife as "the lesser implement". Once I was going to ask him "Dad, what's the greater implement?" but I just stopped myself in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajfs31/dad_joke/
%
My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure.

Oh wait, she's back.
She just left the room to get food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajfryb/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
The pope is just as picky about his music, as he is about his sexual candidates

The key to both is A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajfqka/the_pope_is_just_as_picky_about_his_music_as_he/
%
Christmas Party

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!"
"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajfp8t/christmas_party/
%
Why do Americans still think they are in “The Greatest country in the world”?

When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajfo7t/why_do_americans_still_think_they_are_in_the/
%
I can't stop making puns

Some say it's a gift. Some say it's a punishment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajflou/i_cant_stop_making_puns/
%
A dyslexic agnostic man who suffers from insomnia

lays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajfjk9/a_dyslexic_agnostic_man_who_suffers_from_insomnia/
%
We had a lively debate in physics...

It was a conversation of energy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajfj46/we_had_a_lively_debate_in_physics/
%
Did you hear about the antenna that got married?

The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajfem2/did_you_hear_about_the_antenna_that_got_married/
%
I got so drunk last night

I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajf84d/i_got_so_drunk_last_night/
%
Grindr got hacked in March of 2018.

Looks like someone found the back door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajf0r5/grindr_got_hacked_in_march_of_2018/
%
I like my girlfriend like I like my cold.

I wish my cold would leave me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajexh8/i_like_my_girlfriend_like_i_like_my_cold/
%
One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a Hindu and constantly berated the other for eating meat!

After stopping for a hot dog, the Hindu erupted "Why do you eat meat?, Do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"
The American replied "I am what I eat, an uncontrollable vicious animal (beating his chest)"
As they stepped off the curb a speeding car came around the corner and ran the Hindu over. The American called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able.
The injured Hindu was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared.
He told the uninjured American, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajeumu/one_day_two_accountants_who_were_best_friends/
%
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajessi/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
What is a judge’s favorite drink?

Just ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajep5h/what_is_a_judges_favorite_drink/
%
A german in an Australian restaurant

"May I have a bloody steak?"
Waiter: "do you want some fucking potatoes with it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajeldu/a_german_in_an_australian_restaurant/
%
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajekwp/what_do_you_do_when_a_blonde_throws_a_grenade_at/
%
Did you hear about the time Jeff Wayne caught his wife masturbating with a chocolate bar?

“The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one”, he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajekjn/did_you_hear_about_the_time_jeff_wayne_caught_his/
%
I’m in love with a very special eel

It’s a moray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajef33/im_in_love_with_a_very_special_eel/
%
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajef2u/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_with_a_yeast/
%
What's the difference between a rehab center and a concentration camp?

One takes addicts out of people, the other takes people out of attics.
(Works best when said out loud)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajeeuj/whats_the_difference_between_a_rehab_center_and_a/
%
Did you hear about the guy who tried to prove the Earth was flat by walking to the edge?

He finally came around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajee0k/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_tried_to_prove_the/
%
How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, but the manager has to be called first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aje93s/how_many_karens_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Why do lesbians make bad cooks?

They always eat out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aje64g/why_do_lesbians_make_bad_cooks/
%
Rick Astley will gladly let you borrow his Pixar collection.

Except Up. He's never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aje5f7/rick_astley_will_gladly_let_you_borrow_his_pixar/
%
No need to prolong the government shutdown. We've already built a wall.

A paywall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aje0pd/no_need_to_prolong_the_government_shutdown_weve/
%
What's Harry Potter's favorite way of getting down a hill?

Walking...
JK Rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aje0dm/whats_harry_potters_favorite_way_of_getting_down/
%
I never understood why people pay an arm and a leg for anything

If anything, I would pay with just a leg. Because that has ma knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajdyse/i_never_understood_why_people_pay_an_arm_and_a/
%
One day a thirteen year old boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him.

The Madam asks, "Can I help you son?" He replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night." She says, "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200.
To which she says, "She'll be waiting for you up stairs." The boy says, "But shes got to have Herpes with active sores." The Madam replies, "But all my girls are clean!"
So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200. The Madam says, "OK, she'll be ready for you in about 15 mins".
So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog.
A half an hour later he comes down the stairs, with a big grin on his face and still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him, "Why did you come in here,dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes sores?".
"Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home today I fuck the baby-sitter and she'll get it. Then when my parents get home, my dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later when dad gets home my mom and dad will make love and she'll get it. And at about noon, when dad has gone to work, the mailman will come round, fuck my mother and he'll get it.
AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY DAMN FROG

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajdxrh/one_day_a_thirteen_year_old_boy_walks_into_a/
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The Night Light

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight..
He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the
middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When
I'm done, poof! The light goes off.."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor, says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife."Ethel," he says,
"George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night,and poof!
The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes
off?"
"Oh my God!" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajdw1n/the_night_light/
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Masturbating is fun!

After all, you can't spell "amusement" without "semen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajdpt3/masturbating_is_fun/
%
My wife says vacation sex is the best!!!!

That was the worst postcard I ever received. :-(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajdpj2/my_wife_says_vacation_sex_is_the_best/
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Your mamas so fat...

She could end the government shutdown if we put her on the US/Mexico Border.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajdozj/your_mamas_so_fat/
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The Cashier

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajdnmt/the_cashier/
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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajdnft/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
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Did you hear about the dandelion that’s saying it’s a rose?

Turns out, it’s a transplant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajdkdi/did_you_hear_about_the_dandelion_thats_saying_its/
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My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety...

He says it clams him down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajdk6x/my_dyslexic_brotherinlaw_eats_shellfish_for/
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Where do unicorns like to drink?

The horn pub!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajdhzn/where_do_unicorns_like_to_drink/
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My friend asked me “What do you call a man with no legs?”

It’s been over two days and i’m totally stumped. Any help?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajdfxa/my_friend_asked_me_what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no/
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Worst Pirate Joke in the Entire World

**Where do Pirates go to drink?**
At the Baaaarrrrrrrr
**Wait I'm not done**. **Where do Pirates put their stuff?**
In a Jaaaaarrrrrrr
**Wait for it...** **What do Pirates Drive?**
.....
A Ship Dumb Ass
Favorite joke ever to tell to a bunch of drunks at a bar, they will over commit to the last question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajdflj/worst_pirate_joke_in_the_entire_world/
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The interactive Netflix film Bandersnatch was so successful, they're creating another interactive film all about Donald Trump.

It's called Grabbed-her-snatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajd9sz/the_interactive_netflix_film_bandersnatch_was_so/
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Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajd96c/three_men_who_were_lost_in_the_forest_were/
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Why are teenage girls so obsessed with vampire shows?

They don't want to be the only ones obsessed with sucking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajd5aw/why_are_teenage_girls_so_obsessed_with_vampire/
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Why are orchestras rated R?

Because of all the sax and violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajd5a9/why_are_orchestras_rated_r/
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Looks like Prince Philip's been in another accident.

They shouldn’t let him drive..........The Dukes a Hazzard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajd40d/looks_like_prince_philips_been_in_another_accident/
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What's an undefined feeling?

When your mother-in-law crashes your brand new car and dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajd2o2/whats_an_undefined_feeling/
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Did you hear about the doctor who prescribed viagra to the man with depression?

He said things just keep getting harder and harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajd0ol/did_you_hear_about_the_doctor_who_prescribed/
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Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajcznv/why_did_the_console_player_cross_the_road/
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Bush , Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and went to hell.

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally Bush  gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajcy4z/bush_queen_elizabeth_and_vladimir_putin_all_died/
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I took some viagra eyedrops

And now im looking hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajcxm5/i_took_some_viagra_eyedrops/
%
Girlfriend asks me " Soooo, what sounds good to you?"

Me: A blowjob
Gf:
Me:
Gf:
Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajcw73/girlfriend_asks_me_soooo_what_sounds_good_to_you/
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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.
"Is everything alright? Did that man hurt you?", Dave asked.
"No no, everything is alright.", she says as she wipes her tears.  "How can i help you?"
"I need an envelope", Dave said.
"Alright. What size do you need? Small, medium, large?", she asked.
"Medium is fine", Dave answered.
"What color do you want it to be? Black, white, yellow, green...", she asked.
"The regular, white one", replied Dave.
"What about its shape? Do you want it to be like a triangle, square, rectangle.."
"The regular white rectangular shaped medium sized envelope, please!", said Dave who was getting annoyed.
The cashier goes to the back of the store, brings the envelope and hands it to Dave.
"Do you need stamps maybe?", the cashier asks.
"Ah i completely forgot. Yes, i need some stamps as well.", said Dave who wanted to leave the store and send his letter as soon as possible.
"What would you like to have on your stamp? A picture of nature, some city, space, animal..."
"Animal. Please, can we hurry it up a bit?", said Dave with his frustration growing.
"Of course sir, we will finish your purchase really fast. Now, what kind of animal would you like it to have? A mammal, a lizard, a bird, an insect..."
"Bird, it's not really important..", said Dave.
"What kind of bird? An eagle, a falcon, a pigeon...", she asked yet again.
"Eagle!", replied Dave angrily.
"What kind of eagle? There is the bald eagle, the golden eagle, the harpy eagle..",
"Bald eagle! Please, i need to go! ", said Dave who was starting to lose it.
"Alright alright. Just tell me what would you like the eagle to do in the picture? Fly in the blue sky, feed its young, while its hunting.."
At this point, just as Dave was about to break completely and go insane, the man from the start of the story, enters the store again and slams a piece of shit on the cashiers desk and says:
" This is the type of shit i need to wipe off my ass, now can you give me that damn toilet paper!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajcvv0/dave_wanted_to_send_a_letter_to_his_girlfriend/
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Jamaican tattoo

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.
Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.
The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajcru5/jamaican_tattoo/
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Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.

The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as he could, slid between her thighs and aggressively performed oral sex on her. The crowd cheered as the trolls knees buckled and her body shivered. The other two warriors brushed themselves off and ran over to provide aid but found that the troll had been rendered defenseless. The first warrior watched the crowd and then began to shout: "We are warriors!" "We are heroes!" And as he looked upon the 3rd warrior wiping his chin with his sleeve, he smiled and shouted: "But above all! WE ARE GLADIATOR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajcrlw/three_warriors_and_a_female_troll_enter_the/
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I just walked in on my wife having sex with my wife.

I love being Mormon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajcq4d/i_just_walked_in_on_my_wife_having_sex_with_my/
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Here's to antivaxxers...

The hardcore players of the 10 year challenge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajco36/heres_to_antivaxxers/
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What do LGBTQ folk and folk with scoliosis have in common?

None of them are straight.
(As a member of both groups I now hate myself for telling this joke).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajck5b/what_do_lgbtq_folk_and_folk_with_scoliosis_have/
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Why didn't George Washington want his portrait on US currency?

Because he didn't want to be drawn and "quartered."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajcggy/why_didnt_george_washington_want_his_portrait_on/
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My girlfriend is the square root of -100

A ten, but imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajcdyz/my_girlfriend_is_the_square_root_of_100/
%
All-u-can-eat seafood buffets are such a waste.

They’re total overkrill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajcdya/allucaneat_seafood_buffets_are_such_a_waste/
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Why don't blind people go skydiving?

Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajcbr5/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
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Hellen Keller walks into a bar

Then a stool, and then a table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajc9wr/hellen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Here's a pun joke

he dig
she dig
they dig
i dig
we dig
you dig
now it's not very poetic but it is quite deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajc9ft/heres_a_pun_joke/
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Why was the 10 scared?

Because he was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajc9at/why_was_the_10_scared/
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Forget ‘How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days,’ there’s a way to lose him in just 1.

Tell him you don’t give blowjobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajc5dr/forget_how_to_lose_a_guy_in_10_days_theres_a_way/
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The other day, I found a $20 bill lying on the ground in the street. I didn’t know what to do with it, so I asked myself: “what would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajbu11/the_other_day_i_found_a_20_bill_lying_on_the/
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Two fish are in a tank when one asks the other

"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajbqvq/two_fish_are_in_a_tank_when_one_asks_the_other/
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Where do fish store their money?

In a river bank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajblrb/where_do_fish_store_their_money/
%
An

elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajbhuk/an/
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Wouldn't it be amazing if Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up?

Yeah, they would be alloys!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajbhow/wouldnt_it_be_amazing_if_silver_surfer_and_iron/
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A very drunk Irish man runs out of money for beer while in a pub...

In desperate need of another drink he says to the bartender "Please, I am out of money but I will do anything for another beer"
The bartender thinks about it for a minute and says "well mate I got a dog in the backroom with an awful toothache, I don't have the heart to pull it out myself but if you do it I will give you another beer"
The man replies "Yess yes thank you, I will do it, is there anything else I can do as well?"
The bartender leans and says "well there is one other thing... I got an ugly sister upstairs who is very lonely and sad because no one will fuck her, if you do that as well... free drinks for the rest of the night!"
The man happily agrees, jumps up, and runs to the back. The bartender and everyone else in the pub hears the dog squealing and barking in the backroom..
A few mins later the Irish man comes out and says "Alright where is the sister with the toothache!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajbgqo/a_very_drunk_irish_man_runs_out_of_money_for_beer/
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What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajbfql/what_is_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
"Babe is it in?"

"Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajb8i9/babe_is_it_in/
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As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy

I’m galactose intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajb7qp/as_soon_as_space_travel_is_possible_im_moving/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Ground up and in the freezer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajb5ij/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an important client. “Offer them no more than $3 million!” he shouts
down the phone. “And tell them that if it isn’t finished by next week, they won’t get a penny!” After “hanging up”, the man says to the visitor, "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies, “Yes, I’m from the phone company. I’ve come to connect your phone line.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajb56b/show_off_a_young_businessman_has_just_set_up_his/
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Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?

Me: Yes, I’m not kidding you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajb4p1/her_you_got_a_vasectomy_without_telling_me_are/
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Dear 6AM..

We have got to stop meeting this way. I'd much rather sleep with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajb4od/dear_6am/
%
A joke but only anti-vax kids get it.

Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajb2oz/a_joke_but_only_antivax_kids_get_it/
%
My new girlfriend and I were having our first tryst...

In the middle, I stopped completely. She looks at me and asked what the hell I'm doing?
I looked at her and said it's a trick I recently learned. "It's called 'buffering' and all the chicks in the porn video I was watching seemed to LOVE it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajb1jx/my_new_girlfriend_and_i_were_having_our_first/
%
Some people think the romans were too harsh in their punishment of jesus

but I think they really nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajaz5x/some_people_think_the_romans_were_too_harsh_in/
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What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajaxnm/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_pirate_and_a/
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I finally have a girlfriend

Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajav2c/i_finally_have_a_girlfriend/
%
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.

It's called making the little things count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajau4v/i_am_starting_a_charity_to_teach_short_people/
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Got a text from my wife this morning saying “Windows frozen”.

I text back saying “Pour some warm water on it.”
Got a text back, “Laptop totally fucked now”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajatjs/got_a_text_from_my_wife_this_morning_saying/
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My wife says she doesn't trust me

Or at least it said so in her diary..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajaqdz/my_wife_says_she_doesnt_trust_me/
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A man and a woman on her period are having sex...

A young man meets an attractive woman in a bar and starts hitting on her. After a few drinks, they decide to take things back to his place. She tells him she's currently on her period, but he doesn't care and after a few drinks more they have sex. The next day, the woman feels embarassed about last night and leaves before he wakes up. After a while he gets up, and is shocked when he finds a big red spot of blood on his bed, but can't remember what exactly happened, only that there was a woman...
He stumbles into the kitchen, looking for his knifes. "Oh thank god, I didn't slash her...", then he runs into the basement, looking for his tools. "Thank god, I didn't hit her with anything..."
Relieved, he walks into his bathroom where he looks into the mirror. "OH HOLY SHIT I'VE EATEN HER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajaoso/a_man_and_a_woman_on_her_period_are_having_sex/
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All the toilets have been stolen from the local police station.

Detectives say they have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajanbw/all_the_toilets_have_been_stolen_from_the_local/
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Did you hear about the cat that took a shortcut?

It was a real cheetah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajac83/did_you_hear_about_the_cat_that_took_a_shortcut/
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I like my women like a like my weed

Well trimmed and ready for the pipe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajac23/i_like_my_women_like_a_like_my_weed/
%
My ex-wife just texted me, “I wish you were here”

She does this every time she’s in a cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajabma/my_exwife_just_texted_me_i_wish_you_were_here/
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Two kids are hurrying to school on their bikes to get there for their maths exam.

They get into a car accident on the way and have to be rushed to hospital.
In hospital they're surrounded by friends and family, and their maths teacher keeps trying to get into the room and is repeatedly told off by the doctors.
Later that night the teacher sneaks in. Waking the kids up, he says
"finally, here's the exam papers that you both need to complete."
Suddenly the light comes on and an angry doctor says "I have told you so many times you are not allowed in here, what do you think you are doing?"
The maths teacher points to the exams - "just testing your patients."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aja98g/two_kids_are_hurrying_to_school_on_their_bikes_to/
%
What did the pirate say when having a cardiac arrest?

'Yarrrr! Me hearty!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aja8a4/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_having_a_cardiac/
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I like my women how I like my whiskey

Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aja445/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_whiskey/
%
Day 42 of January.

# I hate when homeless people shake their cup of coins at me.
Like I get it, you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aja42u/day_42_of_january/
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I quit my job at Amazon

and started working as a gay prostitute.
Now I get paid a lot more and fucked a lot less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj9yhv/i_quit_my_job_at_amazon/
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“Nice Guys Finish Last”

Actually, they usually finish first. But if they’re truly nice, they’ll help you finish, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj9nyz/nice_guys_finish_last/
%
What do you call babies with guns?

Infantry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj9nbn/what_do_you_call_babies_with_guns/
%
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who fell in love?

They’re getting married in the spring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj9lmr/did_you_hear_about_the_two_bed_bugs_who_fell_in/
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An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it.

Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I'll grant you three wishes, Master."
The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you." The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him.
The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this." The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies.
"What about your third wish?" asks the genie.
"Well," says the atheist, "I wish for a billion dollars." The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens.
"What's wrong?" asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, "Just because you believe in me, doesn't necessarily mean that I really exist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj9lba/an_atheist_buys_an_ancient_roman_catholic_lamp_at/
%
I went to France

and I had nothing Toulouse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj9iwz/i_went_to_france/
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How many Catholics does it take to mentally scar a child for life?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj9fwk/how_many_catholics_does_it_take_to_mentally_scar/
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Why was the Anti-Vaxxers 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj99ea/why_was_the_antivaxxers_4_year_old_child_crying/
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Why do thugs buy used cop cars?

They never got to sit up front

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj93u6/why_do_thugs_buy_used_cop_cars/
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A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town...

After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ''Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?'' asked the man. ''Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a oreo cookie,'' said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cross the man's face, the doctor said, ''Trust me. I'm the doctor! ''
So, the next day the man brings in the hard boiled egg and the oreo cookie. ''Drop your pants, and bend over,'' says the doctor. ''What?'' says the man. ''Trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor. So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ''Whoa! Hold on a minute, Jack!'' screams the man. ''Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor.
About a minute later, WOOSH! up goes the oreo cookie. ''Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with a hard boiled egg and a oreo cookie,'' says the doctor. As the infuriated man starts to protest the doctor says, ''Trust me. I'm the doctor.'' So, the man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the oreo cookie. ''Drop your pants and bend over,'' says the doctor. ''This again?'' yells the man. ''Trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor.
So, the man drops his pants and bends over. WOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ''Oh! I can't believe I'm doing this!'' says the man. ''Hold still now and trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor. About a minute later, WOOSH! up goes the oreo cookie. ''Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with another hard boiled egg and another oreo cookie,'' says the doctor. As the man starts to shake his head the doctor says, ''Trust me. I'm the doctor.'' So, this goes on all week until one day, after the man pulls up his pants, the doctor says, ''Now come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a frying pan.'' As the man turns pale the doctor says, ''Trust me. I'm the doctor.''
The man gets no sleep that night worried to death about what the frying pan is going to feel like when it gets shoved up in him. He almost stays home, but he still feels sick. So far the treatments haven't helped and he's afraid he'll have to start over if he goes to a new doctor. The man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the pan. ''Drop your pants and bend over,'' says the doctor. ''But, why do we need a frying pan?'' asks the man nervously. ''Trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor.
The man drops his pants and bends over. WOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ''Hold still and trust me.'' says the doctor. About a minute later, the man is about to pass out from terror and he is involuntarily clenching his rear as tight as he can. Then nothing happens. Several more minutes pass and he starts to relax. The man is about to straighten up and ask the doctor what happened when the tapeworm sticks its head out his rear and yells, ''Where's my oreo cookie?!'' And SMACK! Down comes the frying pan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj92tr/a_man_had_been_feeling_sick_for_several_days/
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What does the sign say at the brothel when they are not open?

Beat it, we're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8yt2/what_does_the_sign_say_at_the_brothel_when_they/
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A married couple from Alabama are walking through the countryside when they see a spaceship land.

They go to have a closer look when from within the ship two aliens emerge. They say they are from Mars and are on a mission to have sex with a human couple and would the humans oblige. The Alabama couple say sure, why not. The Martian female goes off with the human male back into the spaceship while the other couple wander back to the human’s home. Back in the home, they get naked. The human lady looks at the tiny Martian’s penis and says “I want something bigger than that.”  He pulls his left ear and his penis grows 8 inches and pulls his right ear and it doubles in thickness. They get it on. Next morning they all meet up at the spaceship and say their goodbyes. The human man asks his wife how it went with the Martian fellow. She says, “you know I love you but that was the best sex I ever had.  How did it go with that Martian gal?”  He says, “Kind of weird. We both got naked and all she did was pull my friggen ears all night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8uof/a_married_couple_from_alabama_are_walking_through/
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So there's this monarch who has an unexplainable fetish for unlocking doors

But what else can I say, he's King Key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8tk8/so_theres_this_monarch_who_has_an_unexplainable/
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My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

At least that's what she said in her diary...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8mn1/my_wife_thinks_i_dont_give_her_enough_privacy/
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As the youngest kid I often got beat by the two oldest.

Mom and Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8m2h/as_the_youngest_kid_i_often_got_beat_by_the_two/
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I finally realized why incest in the south is ok

it’s because in the south, your cousin is only 3/5ths of a family member

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8lqe/i_finally_realized_why_incest_in_the_south_is_ok/
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Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8kvs/whenever_im_in_trouble_i_think_what_would_jesus_do/
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My ex wouldn't even let me imagine getting or giving oral.

It's just mindblowing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8ke4/my_ex_wouldnt_even_let_me_imagine_getting_or/
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[OC] What is the one thing anti-vaxxers hate more than vaccines?

Giving their child a long, healthy life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8kc1/oc_what_is_the_one_thing_antivaxxers_hate_more/
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We all know that 6 was afraid of 7. But have you ever considered WHY 7 “8” 9?

It’s because you’re supposed to eat 3² meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8i9v/we_all_know_that_6_was_afraid_of_7_but_have_you/
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Did you hear about the happy bigamist?

He had his Kate and Edith too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8hds/did_you_hear_about_the_happy_bigamist/
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“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”

-Abraham Lincoln, 1933

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8h4t/the_thing_about_quotes_from_the_internet_is_that/
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Courtesy of The Legendary Ken M; The ideal superpower is invisibility...

Because it allows you to keep an unseen lookout for perverts in the women's locker room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8g35/courtesy_of_the_legendary_ken_m_the_ideal/
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I have a memory from before I was even born....

I remember I went to the park with my dad, then went home with my mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8ei8/i_have_a_memory_from_before_i_was_even_born/
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A property manager for an apartment complex dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter.

St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding."
So he chooses to check out hell first. He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and doing the limbo (and nobody's doing the Macarena!). Everyone is laughing and having a great time.
Next St. Peter takes him up to heaven to look around. Everything is white and pristine. People are speaking softly about philosophy and mathematical formulas. Others are simply contemplative and serene. He's bored in about five minutes.
St. Peter then says to the apartment manager, "I want you to sleep on it and meet me back here in the morning to let me know your decision."
The next morning he comes back and says to St. Peter, "Heaven is very nice and all, but hell looks great, so I've decided that I want to go to hell".
So St. Peter puts him on the escalator down to hell. When he gets there he sees Satan whipping people and there's fire everywhere and everyone is screaming in pain.
So he goes over to Satan and says "Hey, what gives here? Yesterday I came here to check the place out and everyone had me partying and it looked like a great time. What happened?"
Satan looks at him and says "You used to be a property manager so you ought to know the answer to your own question. Yesterday you were a prospect. Today you're just another resident!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8dgn/a_property_manager_for_an_apartment_complex_dies/
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A few months ago everybody was talking about #NNN

It just didn’t seem that climactic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8cmf/a_few_months_ago_everybody_was_talking_about_nnn/
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"Dad, what are politics?"

And the father tries to explain:
"You see son, for example, i earn and bring money to this house so i'm capitalism. Your mother uses that money so she is the government. We care about you son, meaning you are the people. Our house maid is the working class and your little baby brother, he is the future. You understand what I'm saying? "
The son says he will think about it. During the night, his little brother shits his diaper and starts crying. The son, now awake from the constant crying, goes to his parents room to tell them to do something about the loud crying but his mother is firm asleep. So he decides to go to the maids room, where, his old man was fucking the maid so hard that they didn't hear the knocking on the door. So the son gives up and just goes back to bed.
The next morning, father asks the son if he understood what they were talking about yesterday, to which the son replied:
"Yes dad! Capitalism fucks the working class while the government sleeps. The people are constantly ignored and the future is full of shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8cc8/dad_what_are_politics/
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Nympho on a plane

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8aue/nympho_on_a_plane/
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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Eleph-ino

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8ael/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_and_a/
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A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”
She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
“Don’t worry, I can fix this” he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
“Good as new, mistress!”
She says “This sub really loves reposts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj8923/a_guy_visits_his_favorite_dominatrix/
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I went into the drug store and asked the pharmacist if he had Viagra. He said, "Yes".

So I asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"
-
He replied, "If I take two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj88ui/i_went_into_the_drug_store_and_asked_the/
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Teacher asked lil Steve:

-What do you wanna do when you grow up?
-I dream of earning millions and millions of dollars, just like my dad!
-Your father earns that much money?!?
-No, he just dreams about it every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj81h1/teacher_asked_lil_steve/
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Menstrual cycle jokes aren’t funny

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj7vyq/menstrual_cycle_jokes_arent_funny/
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After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: “Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she’s gone?”

He said: “What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj7qs9/after_his_wife_passed_away_he_stopped_wearing_his/
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I recently became addicted to viagra..

My wife has been taking it really, really hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj7p75/i_recently_became_addicted_to_viagra/
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All races are not made equal

The 10k is twice as long as the 5k race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj7gw7/all_races_are_not_made_equal/
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Why would Trump be worried about Pelosi blocking his SOTU address?

He's never worried about a woman's consent before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj7ejt/why_would_trump_be_worried_about_pelosi_blocking/
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I grilled some steak for my father-in-law. After taking a bite, he said, “I like mine well done.”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj7anb/i_grilled_some_steak_for_my_fatherinlaw_after/
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Hi, my name is Dav

I am a victim of id theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj793x/hi_my_name_is_dav/
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So I bought Master of Puppets today

I noticed there was a song missing. When I asked the store clerk later about it, he said "Battery not included".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj77zs/so_i_bought_master_of_puppets_today/
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I used to be addicted to eating soap

But I'm clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj77k3/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_eating_soap/
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A movie about janitors impressed critics.

Later that year the movie swept the Oscars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj73u8/a_movie_about_janitors_impressed_critics/
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What do you call a pair of banana peels?

Slippers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj7243/what_do_you_call_a_pair_of_banana_peels/
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Do you know what they call sports in North Korea?

The Hunger Games

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj6ure/do_you_know_what_they_call_sports_in_north_korea/
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A man and a woman were sitting next to each other in bar.

They were having a casual conversation when she suddenly leaned over and asked him, "You smell amazing, what do you have on?"
The man smiled an impish grin and replied, "I have a hard-on but I didn't know you could smell it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj6l80/a_man_and_a_woman_were_sitting_next_to_each_other/
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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.
Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj6j1h/the_young_bride_approached_her_awaiting_husband/
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The Patriots had to re-sod their field.

Even the grass wont root for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj6i5f/the_patriots_had_to_resod_their_field/
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A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj6hq1/a_male_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_cop_and_the/
%
A woman sees the news, and anxiously calls her husband.

He picks it up,
“Matthew, are you driving home from work?”
“Yes! At least I'm trying!”
“Well be careful out there. There’s some idiot on the interstate going in the wrong direction.”
“Honey... everyone's going in the wrong direction!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj6b2h/a_woman_sees_the_news_and_anxiously_calls_her/
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My doctor told me I was deaf

I haven’t heard from him since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj633j/my_doctor_told_me_i_was_deaf/
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A husband and wife are getting ready for a costume party. Since they have nothing on hand to wear for the event, the husband suggests to his wife that she should put a lemon between her legs as he puts the potato between his. Confused, she asks what it's all about.

The husband says, "Honey, you be the sourpuss, and I'll be the dictator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj62ym/a_husband_and_wife_are_getting_ready_for_a/
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Why does the norweigan navy put barcodes on their ships?

So when they dock, they can scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj61z9/why_does_the_norweigan_navy_put_barcodes_on_their/
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Husband: “they say that you can’t be happy and sad at the same time”

Wife: “you have the biggest one between all your five brothers”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj5ssl/husband_they_say_that_you_cant_be_happy_and_sad/
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What did the Heron get tattooed on his chest?

No Egrets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj5rt2/what_did_the_heron_get_tattooed_on_his_chest/
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Two old trees stood tall looking at a young sapling growing nearby

One day, a strong oak tree and a fine beech tree were chatting when they noticed a small sapling growing nearby. The forest was a very competitive place. They both wanted this sapling to be their offspring but there was no way to tell from where they stood. The oak tree saw a woodpecker flying through the woods and asked him if he would go to the sapling and see what type of tree it was. He obliged and came back to report.
He said "Well, it's neither a son of an oak nor a son of a beech but it's the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker into."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj5o49/two_old_trees_stood_tall_looking_at_a_young/
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A man gets a prescription for Viagra...

That night he takes a big dose, and he and his wife have a wild night of passion.
The next morning, his wife says to him, "Dear, how about I make us some breakfast?  Eggs, bacon, toast, maybe some fresh fruit?"  The husband replies, " You know, I'm not really hungry.  Maybe it's a side effect of the Viagra."
Around lunchtime, his wife asks him, "How about some lunch, dear?  I could make us some sandwiches."  Again he answers, " I'm still not hungry, it must be the Viagra."
That evening, the wife asks her husband what he would like for dinner.  "I could make a roast, or broil some chicken..."  "It's the weirdest thing, honey--I'm still not hungry!" he chuckles.
His wife sighs in exasperation.  "Well, could you at least get off of me for five minutes?  I'm starving!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj5ms7/a_man_gets_a_prescription_for_viagra/
%
Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away.

I thought to myself, “that’s kind of a crapshoot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj5f0c/saw_a_guy_betting_anyone_50_to_see_if_he_could/
%
3 man in heaven

3 man are in a house in heaven. There is one rule, if you step on a pink cloud something bad will happen to you.
They are all hungry and one person decides to get some pizza. He comes back with a ugly woman. The other look at eachother confused and asked what happened. The man with the ugly woman says that he stepped on a pink cloud.
The second man decides to get some food, but also comes with a ugly woman and says that he stepped on a pink cloud.
Than the third man goes and tries to get some food. But this time he comes back with the most beatiful woman. The other two are very confused and ask what happened. The beatiful lady says that she stepped on a pink cloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj5e6w/3_man_in_heaven/
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Why should you never call someone average?

Because it’s mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj5ctn/why_should_you_never_call_someone_average/
%
Police officer: Sir, I’m going to need to see your driver’s license.

Driver: You guys got a lot of nerve.
Police officer: Excuse me?
Driver: One day you take my license away and the next day you ask me to show it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj5cha/police_officer_sir_im_going_to_need_to_see_your/
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I can cut down a tree simply by looking at it.

It's true! I saw it with my own eyes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj5c74/i_can_cut_down_a_tree_simply_by_looking_at_it/
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My girlfriend told me "You're mine!"

I asked her if that was the reason why she acted like a gold digger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj59vk/my_girlfriend_told_me_youre_mine/
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City Scammer

A scam artist from the city needs to lay low for a while an goes to a faraway village where nobody knows him.
He thinks to himself: "These people are probably not as smart as the city folk and I could probably get away with a few scams. It'll be easy pickings."
He goes to a corner store and buys some items and then hands the cashier, an old man, a crisp $15 bill.
The old man looks the bill over and is a bit frazzled.
"I ain't never seen a $15 bill before."
"Yeah, its been around for a while in the city. Maybe they just haven't gotten into circulation here."
"Okay, then. I don't have enough change though. All I got is $14 in cash."
The scammer thinks $14 for a counterfeit $15 is not a bad trade-off and says "You keep the change, kind sir. I truly enjoyed shopping at your quaint little institution here."
"Thank you kindly, sir" says the old man as he hands the scammer two $7 bills in change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj59rc/city_scammer/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar.

A fly lands in the Englishman’s pint. The Englishman is incensed, and pushes his beer away and orders another.
A fly lands in the Scotsman’s pint. The Scotsman looks at the fly shrugs, and just drinks the fly down.
A fly lands in the Irishman’s pint. The Irishman is furious. He picks out the fly, and violently shakes the fly over his pint glass while screaming, “Spit it out, you wee bastard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj572u/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_are/
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I must be attracted to very cerebral women

because every woman I ask out says she needs to think about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj56ep/i_must_be_attracted_to_very_cerebral_women/
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As a doctor, I've never made a joke about an unvaccinated child.

But let me give it a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj54n7/as_a_doctor_ive_never_made_a_joke_about_an/
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A farmer walks into a farm supply store...

...and says to an employee, "You know, when I bought my farm it had a coop for chickens but I've never had any.  I think I'd like to start raising some so what do I need?"
The employee walks him over to the area with the chicken supplies and gets him started with bedding for the coop, heat lamps, watering supplies, a roost for the chickens to roost on, tanks for the chicks, feed and a half dozen chickens.  Everything a new chicken farmer could want including a few chickens to get used to raising them.  The farmer leaves happy.
A few weeks later the farmer comes back to the supply store and the woman who helped him the first time is busy but sees him walking out with supplies for, and two dozen more chickens!  She is ecstatic!
Another month passes and again the farmer returns to the store.  This time he is again helped by the first woman who helped him out.
>"I'd like another 3 dozen chickens and more feed and supplies!" the man asks
>"Things must be going well!"  the woman replies.  "I saw you in here a few weeks ago buying more supplies and more chickens.  I didn't get a chance to come say hi to you though.  I'm glad things are going well."
>"Well to be honest," the man says, "I don't know how well things are going."
>"Oh no, what's wrong?!"
>"Well see I don't know if I'm planting them too deep or too close together...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj4sa2/a_farmer_walks_into_a_farm_supply_store/
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I haven't had sex in so long

sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj4rj6/i_havent_had_sex_in_so_long/
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A monkey is smoking weed in a tree

and an iguana comes by and sees the monkey and decides to smoke with the monkey.
A while later the iguana suffering from cotton mouth decides to go to the river to drink some water. At the river the iguana runs into an alligator. The alligator sees the Iguana and says “Hey man, whats wrong with you? Your eyes are red as shit”
Iguana goes “Yeah I was smoking weed with a monkey on that tree over there”
So the alligator decides to see the monkey smoking weed because who wouldn’t.
As the alligator approaches the monkey, the monkey says “Damn bruh how much water you drink?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj4nb0/a_monkey_is_smoking_weed_in_a_tree/
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A man goes into the pharmacy and wants two and a half viagra.

Pharmacist: why two and a half?
Man: well on Friday I see my wife and on Saturday I see my affair.
On Sunday I go to the Sauna, so he just needs to look good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj4n1h/a_man_goes_into_the_pharmacy_and_wants_two_and_a/
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My explosive diarrhea must be hereditary...

...because it runs in my jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj4l8l/my_explosive_diarrhea_must_be_hereditary/
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An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat besides an old man.

Mid-flight, the professor decides to humiliate the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”
The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking turns, we’ll ask each other one question at a time. If the other knows the answer, the asker gives him one dollar, and if he doesn’t, he gives one dollar to the asker. Want to play?” The professor grins, knowing his general knowledge is vastly superior.
To his dismay, the old man refuses! Determined to make him agree, the professor raises the stakes for him.
“If I lose, I ‘ll give you two dollars instead of one!”
“No.”
“Five dollars!”
“No.”
“Ten dollars!”
“I told you, no.”
Desperate, the professor makes one final offer: “If I lose, I’ll give you a hundred dollars, and if you lose you’ll only give me one!” The professor pleads. The old man ponders this, then sighs. “Only if I get to start”, and the professor immediately agrees. “Ask away”, the professor says, confident he’ll never lose.
The old man asks: “What has five heads, forty feet and lives inside of a bucket?”
The professor turns the riddle over in his head, trying to find anything that fits the description. After an hour of intense concentration, the professor gives up. Grumbling, he pulls out his wallet and gives the old man $100. He wastes no time and asks him: “So what has five heads, forty feet and lives inside of a bucket?”
The old man smiles, shrugs and says: “I’ve got no idea. Here’s your dollar.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj4ktv/an_arrogant_professor_boards_a_plane_and_gets_a/
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A guy goes to the doctor

Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant and we always used protection and the rubber never broke. How is this possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: "There was once a hunter who always carried a gun where ever he goes. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jump infront of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like gun and shot the lion dead.
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must of shot the lion!
Doctor: Good!! You understood the story!!
Next patient please!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj4hcf/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
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We’ve never really given an actual nickname to the people out there who pay prostitutes for sex.

I think we should start calling them buysexuals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj4giv/weve_never_really_given_an_actual_nickname_to_the/
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A couple try to have sex

They get naked, but the guy decides he is no longer in the mood.
The girls says "A small penis isn't a big deal"
The guy says "It would have been better if you didn't have one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj4f3x/a_couple_try_to_have_sex/
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There are 2 types of people in this world

Those who can Extrapolate from incomplete data,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj4dn8/there_are_2_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Two men were hunting in the woods when one looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap."

The other responded, "Well go behind one of those big trees and take a crap."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper for wiping my ass."
"You have a dollar don't you?" replied the other man.
He thought for a moment and then decided, "You know, I'll give it a try!"
So the first man left to go behind the tree and came back a couple minutes later with crap all over his clothes and hands.
After a moment of shock, his friend asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
"Well thanks to your idea, I got shit all over my hands and four quarters stuck up my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj45qx/two_men_were_hunting_in_the_woods_when_one_looked/
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Why did the witches lose their baseball game

their bats flew away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj4086/why_did_the_witches_lose_their_baseball_game/
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A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating."

"What the hell is 'testiculating?'" the man asks.
Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"
The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"
"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"
The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj3y6d/a_mans_wife_accuses_him_of_testiculating/
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What do you call half a head of lettuce?

The Romaine-der

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj3w48/what_do_you_call_half_a_head_of_lettuce/
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A lady is in the grocery store and looks like she's having trouble finding what she needs.

An employee from the store sees this and asks if she needs help finding anything. The lady asks where she can find broccoli. The employee apologizes and tells her that they are fresh out but should be getting another shipment in the next morning. The next afternoon the lady is back at the store and sees the same employee and asks where the broccoli is. He tells her that they are again fresh out. The lady is furious and starts screaming "WHY THE HELL CAN'T I GET ANY GOD DAMN BROCCOLI AROUND HERE??" The employee responds to her calmly and asks "Let me answer your question with another question. Can you spell the word 'dog' as in 'dogmatic'?" She says "Yes, D-O-G..." The employee then asks "Can you spell 'cat' as in 'catatonic'?" She says "'C-A-T'". Finally the employee asks "can you spell 'fuck' as in 'broccoli'"? The customer says "There is no 'fuck' in broccoli" and the employee says "That's exactly what I'm trying to tell you."
Giving credit to Harrison Ford since I first heard him tell this on Letterman years back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj3s11/a_lady_is_in_the_grocery_store_and_looks_like/
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Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That's great, congratulations."
Just then, the other customer notices that there are three guys at the end of the bar with no drinks in front of them. He asks, "How come those guys aren't drinking?"
The bartender says, "Oh, they are retirees from the Midwest. They are waiting for Happy Hour to start."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj3mu8/two_guys_are_walking_down_the_street_in_florida/
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Where can you hide so no one can ever find you?

Reddit's search function

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj3fn2/where_can_you_hide_so_no_one_can_ever_find_you/
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An older man and his wife are laying in bed

At one point the man farts and says "touchdown, 7 points". The wife looks at him confused and says "what was that?" the old man replies "i farted and got a touchdown. Its 7-0, I'm winning." the wife, thinking shes caught on, then farts and says "touchdown, tie game".
The old man after a few minutes manages to push out a fart and says "touchdown 14-7." the wife immediately farts again and says "tie game.". The man is getting competitive now. He pushes and pushes until he just projectile shits all over his side of the bed. His wife yells "what and the hell was that?"
"Halftime, switch sides."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj3f5y/an_older_man_and_his_wife_are_laying_in_bed/
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Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj3cxj/here_is_a_joke_from_the_soviet_union_also_popular/
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[NSFW] WARNING to all men in Northwest England.

There is a scam going on in supermarket car parks all around the North West. The victim will usually be a male on his own and will usually be distracted  by navigating the car park with shopping.
He will usually be approached by an attractive female in her early 20s as he enters his car. She  will offer sexual favours for a ride to the next town and will even offer to pay her end before you leave the car park.
If you agree to this she will enter the passenger side door and remove your trousers before engaging in felatio.
In a coordinated attack a co-conspirator will at this point open a door and steal your wallet from your trousers before making off. If you are not careful and try to give chase, the first girl will likely disappear in the other direction. Leaving you alone, semi naked and penniless.
As stated earlier, this is an on going issue across most major supermarkets and many men have already fallen victim to this new and innovative scam.
I myself fell prey to the scourge last week. It happened on Thursday, Friday, Sunday, Monday and again today.
From my experience it seems to occour most often at Tesco stores. Whether this is related to the fact they sell wallets for £1.99 is still undetermined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj3c7z/nsfw_warning_to_all_men_in_northwest_england/
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A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj368z/a_man_who_pretends_to_be_rich_in_order_to_attract/
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RIP H2O...

You will be mist.
Saw this one in the bathroom of a school I'm taking classes at.  I haven't seen it posted on here, it made me laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj35br/rip_h2o/
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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj314o/we_were_having_sex_the_other_night_and_to_my/
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Wedding Same Day As Superbowl! Help Requested:

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super bowl in Atlanta. They are box seats plus airfare and hotel accommodations. He didn’t realize when he bought the tickets that it is the same day as his wedding – so he can’t go.
If you’re interested and want to go instead of him, it’s at St. Andrews Church in Boston at 5 PM. Her name is Maria. She will be the one in the white dress…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj2yqr/wedding_same_day_as_superbowl_help_requested/
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Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?

Something inside me says yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj2pxw/does_my_thai_girlfriend_have_a_penis/
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A sailor is newly arrived in port

and, of course, goes looking for female companionship. He makes a connection in a bar and they go back to her place, and just as they're starting to get hot and heavy she says "By the way, this will be $300, OK?". He reaches for his wallet and hands over the money with a slightly sour expression, then says "Be back in a minute, love," and disappears into the bathroom.
Hearing some odd noises, the hooker goes and peers around the bathroom door, and sees the sailor furiously whacking off into the handbasin. "What are you doing that for?" she exclaims.
And the sailor, without interrupting himself, looks back over his shoulder and says, "Lady, for the money you're asking, I'm not letting you have the easy one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj2nvi/a_sailor_is_newly_arrived_in_port/
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Dear Abby

I'm a man in my early 40s who has been dating a lady in her mid 20s for nearly 2 years. She is desperate to have a baby so we have been having sex at least once day for a month.
I've not figured out how to tell her I had a vasectomy years ago after my first child.
Last Saturday I declined sex with her as I wanted to go to a bar and watch the big game.
She really over reacted and is insisting she will do anything get me back in bed. I kept trying to tell her everything is fine but she took this as further rejection. She finally offered to have a threesome with her and her hot friend. Not only that but I can video it!
I can't believe I'm in this situation trying to have a baby with a desperate girl when she doesn't know I can't.
Anyway my question. When buying a video camera should I get a higher resolution or faster frame rate?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj2lk3/dear_abby/
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I've got a program that can help incels

We're currently beta testing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj2kdo/ive_got_a_program_that_can_help_incels/
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An old man comes home with his new Viagra pills…

He walks in the door and says “Honey, are you up for some super sex?”
She replies “I’ll take the soup.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj2d0v/an_old_man_comes_home_with_his_new_viagra_pills/
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An elderly woman’s husband passes away.

As the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the chapel and down the stairs to the hearse they accidentally bump a pillar. They hear a noise from inside the casket and when they open it up the man springs up. Everyone is shocked but thankfully the man is alive and well.
Ten years pass and the husband passes away again. The woman decides to have the funeral at the same small chapel and when the service is over the pallbearers begin to carry the casket outside. When they pass through the doors the old woman says, **“WATCH OUT FOR THAT PILLAR!”**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj2bmj/an_elderly_womans_husband_passes_away/
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I would appreciate it if we stopped posting Holocaust Jokes. They're not funny, witty, or humorous. My Grandpa died in the Holocaust

He fell off the Guard Tower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj26i6/i_would_appreciate_it_if_we_stopped_posting/
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I tried to switch from instant coffee to tea...

But the time difference is steep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj25wy/i_tried_to_switch_from_instant_coffee_to_tea/
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A canibal shows up late to a dinner

He ended up getting the cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj1w8v/a_canibal_shows_up_late_to_a_dinner/
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The castle in Tallinn was destroyed yesterday

It was a huge loss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj1v7b/the_castle_in_tallinn_was_destroyed_yesterday/
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I used to hate facial hair

Then it grew on me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj1sl0/i_used_to_hate_facial_hair/
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[A LITTLE SPICY] Why is Communism better than Fascism?

In Fascism, minorities suffer and are discriminated, while in Communism, everyone suffers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj1py2/a_little_spicy_why_is_communism_better_than/
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Comic sans walks into a bar

The bartender says we dont serve your type here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj1nkr/comic_sans_walks_into_a_bar/
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I've started using gametes in my advertising campaign.

You know, sex cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj1gov/ive_started_using_gametes_in_my_advertising/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Just look for the Fresh Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj1ehi/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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What happened to Moses when he hit puberty?

Hegrew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj187c/what_happened_to_moses_when_he_hit_puberty/
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Just finished my book about having sex with clocks

It’s about fucking time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj16et/just_finished_my_book_about_having_sex_with_clocks/
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My kids are so gullible.

After all these years, they still think I'm out buying cigarettes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj15jg/my_kids_are_so_gullible/
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What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj14ti/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
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I heard a knock at my door yesterday morning

I opened the door and got punched in the face by a giant cockroach
I went and told my doctor and he said
“ah yes I’ve heard there’s a nasty bug going round”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj11lg/i_heard_a_knock_at_my_door_yesterday_morning/
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Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he is married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0whe/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
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What is the complete opposite of generosity?

EA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0vxk/what_is_the_complete_opposite_of_generosity/
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What does an unchallenging mini-golf course have in common with a strip club?

During daytime hours they’re both sub-par

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0v0a/what_does_an_unchallenging_minigolf_course_have/
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"Dad, is it gay if a man shaves his ass?"

"My boy, a man that cleaned his house surely expects a visitor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0pmn/dad_is_it_gay_if_a_man_shaves_his_ass/
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My doctor told me I had Munchausen Syndrome

Joke's on him, I was making it all up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0n6n/my_doctor_told_me_i_had_munchausen_syndrome/
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A man visits a friend who surprises him accompanied by a new pet monkey

His friend explains that this monkey is special, and without losing time he demonstrates why. He hits the monkey in the head, and the monkey performs a fantastic blow job. Three minutes pass, he hits the monkey again and the monkey stops. The friend starts chatting casually, ignoring the monkey. The man is perplexed but manages to chat with his friend.
After a few minutes, the man hits the monkey again and the monkey performs another blow job. A few minutes more and the man hits the monkey, so the animal stops. His friend tries to engage in a new conversation, but this time the visitor can't help it, staring at him speechless.
"Would you like to try?"
The man thinks, takes a deep breath and replies: "okay, but please don't hit me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0jzq/a_man_visits_a_friend_who_surprises_him/
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"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."
"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."
"It's a viscous cycle."
"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."
"It's discus michael."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0i7f/you_gotta_help_man_my_bikes_possessed_if_i_ride/
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An old married couple...

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0hyz/an_old_married_couple/
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Everyone keeps telling me that I am the worst mailman they have ever seen.

Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0gwe/everyone_keeps_telling_me_that_i_am_the_worst/
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An unhappy couple went to court to get a divorce.

The woman thought she should have custody for the kids, as she was the one who gave birth to them. The man then answered: If I put 1$ on a candy machine, and a piece of chocolate comes out. Who owns the chocolate?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0fii/an_unhappy_couple_went_to_court_to_get_a_divorce/
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When I heard the joke about oxygen and magnesium, I was like..

OMg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0exi/when_i_heard_the_joke_about_oxygen_and_magnesium/
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What kind of fish is made of only two atoms?

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0evf/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_of_only_two_atoms/
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Hi, I'm black, and I hate it when people assume we're all criminals.

-Sent from your iPhone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0ebg/hi_im_black_and_i_hate_it_when_people_assume_were/
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Problems at work

I've got to a change jobs", the patient said to his psychiatrist. "I've worked in a pickled onion factory for ten years, and last week I started to get this uncontrollable urge to put my dick in the onion peeler."
The psychiatrist explains about workplace stress and told him he must learn to relax.
But a week later, the patient was back.
"I don't think I can control myself much longer", he said. "The urge is getting greater. I'm going to put my dick in the onion peeler any day now."
The psychiatrist prescribed Valium.
A month later, the patient was back on the psychiatrist's couch.
"I've lost my job", he said. "I finally stuck my dick into onion peeler."
"My God!", said the psychiatrist. "What happened then?"
"I got fired. And Betty, the onion peeler, got fired too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0cug/problems_at_work/
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Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?

You don't know what you're missing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0c86/have_you_ever_tried_blindfolded_archery/
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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.
In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived.
Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.
Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj0aol/japanese_banking_crisis/
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Drinks in a Skyscraper

At 6:00 p.m. on a Friday, an executive walks into a bar at the 37th floor of a skyscraper and orders an old fashioned. He accepts the drink, only to have it knocked out of his hand by an incredibly strong homeless man. With whiskey on his breath, the homeless man says "did yew know this billding is majickul..?" The executive tells him to kick rocks, and the homeless man says "noe, im serious...", opens the window, and jumps. The executive screams in shock and runs over to the window, but right as the homeless man is about to hit the ground, a gust of wind throws him back into the window. The executive, paralyzed with disbelief, asks the homeless man to do it again, and the same thing happens. The homeless man then cracks a crooked smile and sits back down at the bar. The executive asks if he can give it a try, to which the homeless man gives a slow nod. The executive steps out on the ledge, cracks his fingers, jumps and hits the ground with a resounding SPLAT. The bartender walks over to the homeless man, shakes his head and says "Superman, you're a jerk when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj06as/drinks_in_a_skyscraper/
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Why did the sailor find it hard to learn the alphabet?

Because he spent years at C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj05uk/why_did_the_sailor_find_it_hard_to_learn_the/
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When I was 10, a genie gave me two choices: either your dick grows to be massive, or you will have an amazing memory for the rest of your life.

And for the life of me, I can't remember what I chose...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj01xc/when_i_was_10_a_genie_gave_me_two_choices_either/
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I saw a bloke at the beach with a steering wheel on his Willy

I said ‘mate, you know you’ve got a steering wheel on your knob’
He said ‘yeah, it’s driving me nuts’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj005q/i_saw_a_bloke_at_the_beach_with_a_steering_wheel/
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Give a Nigerian a fish, he will eat for a day,

Teach a Nigerian how to phish and he will be a prince for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aj000g/give_a_nigerian_a_fish_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
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“Hey, we don’t serve faster-than-light particles in here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aizyxq/hey_we_dont_serve_fasterthanlight_particles_in/
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How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach?

It's not that hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aizy7q/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_guy_at_a_nude_beach/
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Today I ran out of battery on my phone and I had to spend a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiztub/today_i_ran_out_of_battery_on_my_phone_and_i_had/
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A new restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s ho
use.  After eating, the wives left the table and
went into the kitchen.  The two gentlemen were talking,
and one said, “Last night we went out to
a new restaurant and it was really great.  I would
recommend it very highly.”
The other man asked, “What is the name of the resta
urant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
“What is the name of that flower you give to
someone you love?  You know... the one that’s red a
nd has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man.  He then tu
rned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose,
what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aizsao/a_new_restaurant/
%
TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aizqvn/til_that_sir_paul_mccartney_once_turned_down/
%
"Barely legal".

Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aizls3/barely_legal/
%
An electrician comes home to his wife after working a job at a millionaires house...

He says to his wife “honey you will not believe this, the house I worked at today had a golden toilet.”
She says “Really? I need to see this.”
They take a ride across the neighborhood and pull up in front of a huge house.
The electrician knocks on the door, a woman answers and the electrician says “I did work on your house today and would love to show my wife that golden toilet you have.”
The woman calls out “Dave, I know who shit in your tuba!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aizlj3/an_electrician_comes_home_to_his_wife_after/
%
A book just fell on Sean Connery's head. He said...

"I've only myshelf to blame"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aizj46/a_book_just_fell_on_sean_connerys_head_he_said/
%
Pornhub premium users are like jesus

They pay for our sins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aizgw2/pornhub_premium_users_are_like_jesus/
%
What do you call an adequate industrial building?

Satisfactory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aizcf9/what_do_you_call_an_adequate_industrial_building/
%
An attractive, but disturbed woman stands at the edge of a cliff. As she peers over the edge, she feels there's someone watching her. Just as she suspected, there's a homeless man staring at her. He asks, "If you're going to kill yourself anyway, you mind if we have sex first?"

She tells him to piss off and to leave her alone. Clearly upset, the man mumbles to himself, "Fine, I'll just wait at the bottom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiz76l/an_attractive_but_disturbed_woman_stands_at_the/
%
The government has been shut down for more than 15 days....

We can all legally leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiz6qq/the_government_has_been_shut_down_for_more_than/
%
Banana

A guy is walking around with a banana in his ear. Another guy, seeing this, approaches and says, "Hey man, you've got a banana in your ear."
The banana guy looks at him and says, "What?"
The other guy says, "You've got a banana in your ear."
The banana guy says, "What?"
The other guy, feeling frustrated yells, "YOU HAVE A BANANA IN YOUR EAR! A BANANA! THERE IS A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!"
The banana guy, also frustrated says, "You're going to have to speak up. I have a banana in my ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiz65x/banana/
%
If robert frost was bisexual...

He would have gone both ways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiz4ri/if_robert_frost_was_bisexual/
%
Why was Heisenberg’s wife unhappy?

Because when he had the momentum, he didn’t have the position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiz3rk/why_was_heisenbergs_wife_unhappy/
%
Her: I hope we die on the same day

Him: Why do you hate me, grandma?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiz0mi/her_i_hope_we_die_on_the_same_day/
%
There are 2 pizzas in the oven

The first pizza says " aaaaah, it's hot in here!"
The second pizza says " aaaaaaah, a talking pizza!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiyy3k/there_are_2_pizzas_in_the_oven/
%
Funeral director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife?

Schroedinger: Yep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiytbw/funeral_director_are_you_sure_you_want_a_closed/
%
Why is Bran unable to walk?

Because he didn’t make a kings landing.
sigh! ... I will see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiyr8k/why_is_bran_unable_to_walk/
%
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before". So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"
The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.
Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return.
So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened.
The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together".
So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more.
But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiyqjn/a_lost_dog_strays_into_the_jungle_one_day_from_a/
%
What did Bush used to say to his kids when they refuse to eat?

Here comes the airplanes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiygt0/what_did_bush_used_to_say_to_his_kids_when_they/
%
Why did the Mexican take Xannax?

Hispanic Attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiyem2/why_did_the_mexican_take_xannax/
%
I just can't look

A zookeeper notices that all of his female monkeys keep getting pregnant.
After isolating the only male monkey, Bobo, into his own cage, the zookeeper believes the matter to be settled. A few weeks later he sees a few more female monkeys getting pregnant. Perplexed, the zookeeper waits outside Bobo's cage at night, and sees that Bobo picks the lock and sneaks off into the female monkey enclosure, sneaking back after a few minutes and placing the lock back on.
The next day, the zookeeper places two heavy duty padlocks on Bobo's cage, and waits again at night to see what happens.  This time, Bobo struggles a lot with the padlocks and it takes the monkey nearly 10 minutes before he gets the first one off and then another 10 minutes to get the other one off. He sneaks off into the female monkey enclosure, and sneaks back a few minutes later, placing both locks back on.
The zookeeper, frustrated beyond measure at all the pregnant female monkeys, finally decides the weld Bobo's cage completely shut so that there is no way he could possibly escape. He waits outside the cage at night, but this time sees a group of female monkeys leaving their enclosure, moving close to Bobo's cage, rubbing their faces and their genitals, and then moving away.
They do this one-by-one, all night, until the zookeeper cannot contain his curiosity any more and finally marches up to Bobo and rattles his cage. "Listen here matey,  I know for a fact that you've been somehow knocking up these female monkeys. How on earth are you doing it from inside there?"
Bobo leans in slowly towards the zookeeper until their faces almost touch between the bars, and whispers softly: "Cumming out of my cage, and I've been doing just fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiyd4l/i_just_cant_look/
%
I threw my wife a surprise Bukkake party for her birthday.

You should have seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiy8ro/i_threw_my_wife_a_surprise_bukkake_party_for_her/
%
My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight

So I’ve made up a bed for him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiy64n/my_imaginary_friends_coming_to_stay_tonight/
%
Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the hell out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiy5y3/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
%
What is a frogs favorite social media platform?

RRREDDIT, RRREDDIT, RRREDDIT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiy3vh/what_is_a_frogs_favorite_social_media_platform/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her as an alter boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixzpz/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
I'm so sick of people making fun of the United States

Don't they know we're the third best country in North America?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixz5g/im_so_sick_of_people_making_fun_of_the_united/
%
A man and his wife are getting ready for a date

She asked her husband “Does my ass look big in this dress?”
He replies “Honey, I’ll be completely honest with you, but you have to promise to not be angry no matter how I respond.”
“I promise baby, I won’t be angry if you’re honest.”
“I fucked your sister.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixw68/a_man_and_his_wife_are_getting_ready_for_a_date/
%
My friend asked me:

"What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixuup/my_friend_asked_me/
%
Whoever lost their iPhone outside the bar

Please stop ringing my new phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixtdn/whoever_lost_their_iphone_outside_the_bar/
%
I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back

I said "where are you going?"
He replied "Fancy dress party"
"What as?" I asked
"Tortoise" the man shouted back
"Who's she?" I questioned
To which he responded "That's Michelle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixs20/i_saw_a_man_walking_down_the_road_with_a_woman_on/
%
Why did Thor not go for the head?

Because he was going for the Thor-Axe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixp8q/why_did_thor_not_go_for_the_head/
%
Invisible man

Nurse: There is an invisible man here see you.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixorw/invisible_man/
%
Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."
The knight takes some time to think, he already has a castle, money and a beautiful wife. Then he says: "Make me invulnerable, so I can never lose any battle."
The fairy snaps her fingers, and it is done. Then the knight says, "Make my horse invulnerable too, so we both can fearlessly charge into enemy lines."
The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done.
The knight needs some time to think again, because he already has everything he could need. After a while, he says, "Make my genitals as big as my horse's."
The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done.
Proud and excited he leaves the forest and rides back to his castle, where he finds his squire. The knight hands his sword to the squire and orders him to behead his horse. At first, the squire refuses, saying "I cannot kill your horse, it is the best horse you have ever had, my Lord." When the knight urges him to, the squire swings the sword with all his might and hits the horse on the neck. Nothing happens.
"Now hit me", the knight orders and takes off his armor. The squire refuses again, scared, but the knight orders him to. So he hits the knight with the sword on the chest, but again, nothing happens.
The squire cannot believe his eyes as all of his attacks have no effect on either horse or knight.
"And now take a look at this", the knight proclaims and takes off his pants.
Says the squire: "Wow, that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixo34/once_upon_a_time_a_noble_knight_and_his_horse_got/
%
I gave up my seat on a bus to a blind, old lady today.

Later, I got fired from being a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixmzr/i_gave_up_my_seat_on_a_bus_to_a_blind_old_lady/
%
What music do wind turbines listen to.....

They're huge metal fans.
Ba-dum chi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixib1/what_music_do_wind_turbines_listen_to/
%
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixfiq/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
%
Ever visit www.conjunctivitis.com?

It's a site for sore eyes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixd5c/ever_visit_wwwconjunctivitiscom/
%
I highly oppose gender neutral bathrooms

See I wouldn't be able to live with myself, if I found out the lady next to me has a bigger penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixbts/i_highly_oppose_gender_neutral_bathrooms/
%
Two girls on the bus

were talking about how much sex they had the other day when an old man said coughing:
"Whores!"
The first girl rapidly walked up to him asked what the fuck he just said. He then answered:
"Sorry, had something in my throat, you surely can relate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aixbhx/two_girls_on_the_bus/
%
How many brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aix9lv/how_many_brexiteers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied my wife.
I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”
“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”
I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aix95a/i_walked_in_from_work_today_and_my_wife_was/
%
Why can't Usain Bolt listen to music when he's running?

Because the silly fool keeps breaking the records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aix5va/why_cant_usain_bolt_listen_to_music_when_hes/
%
A priest is absolving sins in the confessional when suddenly he has to shit.

He peaks his head out and knows he can’t hold it. The janitor is nearby and waves him over. The priest says, “please, you just need to sit here and give the corresponding answer to each sin. He bolts off.
The janitor hears a couple people out and he gives out some Hail Marys. Then one man walks in and says, “father, I am beside myself. Not only did I cheat on my wife, but it was with a man. I masturbated in front of him while he did the same. I don’t know what to do”.
The janitor couldn’t find the appropriate response, so he peaks out to see if the priest is coming. Instead, he sees an alter boy a few feet away. “Son, do you know where father Dean is? Is he out of the bathroom yet?”
The alter boy did not know. The janitor asked the alter boy if, by any chance, he knew the answer to the sin. He said, “well, it’s been awhile but, he used to give us candy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aix1l4/a_priest_is_absolving_sins_in_the_confessional/
%
Gay jokes are bad

Cum on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiwz4d/gay_jokes_are_bad/
%
What would you call a communist vegetable that makes you cry?

a soviet onion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiwujb/what_would_you_call_a_communist_vegetable_that/
%
Hey girl, is your name Delorian?

Because I want to ride you from time to time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiwt8r/hey_girl_is_your_name_delorian/
%
I was going to tell you a joke about the clitoris...[NSFW]

...but I've reconsidered. To a lot of people, it's a sensitive spot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiws6j/i_was_going_to_tell_you_a_joke_about_the/
%
What did the communist say when his van stopped working

“I guess it’s stalin”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiwq3p/what_did_the_communist_say_when_his_van_stopped/
%
My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...

I told him it’s a bit of a stretch
(Thought of this tonight during yoga)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiwovw/my_friend_tried_to_convince_me_that_yoga_is_a/
%
Doctor told me I was going deaf

Haven’t heard from him since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiwoiy/doctor_told_me_i_was_going_deaf/
%
What do you call hitler when he’s swimming underwater?

ADOLFin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiwmkg/what_do_you_call_hitler_when_hes_swimming/
%
The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, ”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.
The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed.
She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came in silently……….
He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his dick, got on top of her and fucked her like there was no tomorrow.
When he finished and while he was still panting, the wife said, "You didn’t fcuking expect to find me in this bed did you!!” and switched on the light.
“No madam”, said the gardener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiwm45/the_husband_and_his_young_wife_were_not_on_good/
%
Did you know every 15 seconds in Africa...

a quarter of a minute passes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiwj78/did_you_know_every_15_seconds_in_africa/
%
Helen Keller walked into a bar...

and a table, and some chairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiwffx/helen_keller_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Your brain has two sides, a left and a right side.

In the left side there's nothing right and in the right side there's nothing left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiweue/your_brain_has_two_sides_a_left_and_a_right_side/
%
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting people on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really seems to get a kick out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiw9r9/my_doctor_friend_is_addicted_to_hitting_people_on/
%
Our leader is a joke to the world, he’s made terrible descisions, he lacks a lot of experience, he’s cost us a lot of money, and he hasn’t made many people happy.

At least it’s only Justin Trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiw6nl/our_leader_is_a_joke_to_the_world_hes_made/
%
Did you hear about the french woman that invented the knock knock joke?

She won the No Belle prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiw6ma/did_you_hear_about_the_french_woman_that_invented/
%
You guys know that book about having sex with a clock?

It's about fucking time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiw5qd/you_guys_know_that_book_about_having_sex_with_a/
%
Recently signed up for a gym, even paid 3 months in advance. I just weighed myself and I gained 2 kilos!

“If this continues, I think I might have to go there and see what the hell is wrong”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiw3vm/recently_signed_up_for_a_gym_even_paid_3_months/
%
A poor man is about to marry into a rich family

The father of the bride-to-be asks the poor man: “how will you provide for my daughter?”
The poor man replies: “God will provide”
The father of the bride thinks that the poor man is at least religious and will treat his daughter well.
During the wedding practice the father of the bride then asks the poor man: “how will you provide for your children with my daughter?”
The poor man replied: “God will provide”
The father of the bride once again thinks well of the poor man because of his devotion to his faith and maybe he will find a way.
The poor man is married to the daughter and after the ceremony the poor man kisses the daughter. The father-in-law walks up to the new couple, shakes his son-in-law’s hand and says “congratulations and welcome to the family”
The son-in-law replies: “Thank you Lord”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiw1hb/a_poor_man_is_about_to_marry_into_a_rich_family/
%
(Stolen but golden) Stevie Wonder is in the recording studio at the end of a long hard day.

He's chewing the fat with a few of the technicians.
One of them asks:
“It must be hard being blind Stevie.”
To which Stevie replies:
“Yep, it's hard but at least I'm not black.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aivz3w/stolen_but_golden_stevie_wonder_is_in_the/
%
Who lives here?

If a purple man lives in a purple house, a yellow man lives in a yellow house , and a orange man lives in a orange house.
Who lives in the white house?
No one, because the orange man is on vacation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aivx8a/who_lives_here/
%
People don't even pay attention

I bet you $13456324567 dollars you didn't read that number. You just skipped right over it. You didn't even realize I put a letter in it. No I didn't but you went back and looked.
Have a good day!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aivp4f/people_dont_even_pay_attention/
%
Did you know Captain Kirk had three ears?

A right ear, a left ear, and a final front ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aivoys/did_you_know_captain_kirk_had_three_ears/
%
The current situation in America reminds me of a porn video i watched

Where everyone gets fucked but nobody gets paid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aivmod/the_current_situation_in_america_reminds_me_of_a/
%
Why did Atlas win worker of the year?

Because he never drops the ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aivld5/why_did_atlas_win_worker_of_the_year/
%
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke

Got the "no bell" prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiviek/whoever_invented_the_knockknock_joke/
%
Daughter: Can I lick the bowl, Mommy?

Mother: No you little freak, get back in there and flush like everyone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aivgtb/daughter_can_i_lick_the_bowl_mommy/
%
We can all agree the opposite of pro is con, right?

In that case, the opposite of progress is...
Congress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aivgj7/we_can_all_agree_the_opposite_of_pro_is_con_right/
%
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U

Cause you’re blocking the TV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aivfqn/if_i_could_rearrange_the_alphabet_id_move_u/
%
Researchers have found the leading cause of dry skin.

Towels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aivejs/researchers_have_found_the_leading_cause_of_dry/
%
Me trying to impress my girl with big words

Darling, you look absolutely... bovine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aivdjt/me_trying_to_impress_my_girl_with_big_words/
%
Why do women like to be on top during sex?

They love to watch their men fuck up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aivc0t/why_do_women_like_to_be_on_top_during_sex/
%
Asked a girl at the bar if she'd like to come back to my place and she said, "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth."

So I replied, "If I were the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in *line*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aivbnm/asked_a_girl_at_the_bar_if_shed_like_to_come_back/
%
Thanks everyone

I want to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of "many".
It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiuzga/thanks_everyone/
%
A cartoonist was found dead at home

The details were sketchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aius24/a_cartoonist_was_found_dead_at_home/
%
I finally got a smart dishwasher....

My wife finished college.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiunqa/i_finally_got_a_smart_dishwasher/
%
Why do stoner communists excel in academics?

They get high marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiujmp/why_do_stoner_communists_excel_in_academics/
%
Necrophiliacs are only interested in women that are drop dead gorgeous.

That’s all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiuh0d/necrophiliacs_are_only_interested_in_women_that/
%
What's the best vehicle for watching movies?

ATV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiugdo/whats_the_best_vehicle_for_watching_movies/
%
What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian?

Jah Bless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiuf2v/what_do_you_call_an_unemployed_rastafarian/
%
What did Gaston win?

The no-Belle prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiudbw/what_did_gaston_win/
%
Unfortunately my girlfriend left me recently because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face...﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiuaxq/unfortunately_my_girlfriend_left_me_recently/
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What's the best state to grow vegetables in?

Okra-homa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiu8e2/whats_the_best_state_to_grow_vegetables_in/
%
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"

The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch.  The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiu6z9/a_man_goes_to_a_psychiatrist_and_says_you_gotta/
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A serial killer plead guilty to homicide

after being asked by the judge why he would kill, the serial killer responded,
"It fills me with energy."
He was charged with murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiu2le/a_serial_killer_plead_guilty_to_homicide/
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What do you call a snowman with a sixpack?

An Abdominal snowman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiu17e/what_do_you_call_a_snowman_with_a_sixpack/
%
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.
The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."
Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aitz76/a_farmer_buys_a_rooster_to_service_his_200_hens/
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Why "dark" is spelled with "k", not "c"?

Because you can't c in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aitxxy/why_dark_is_spelled_with_k_not_c/
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What do wine and altar boys have in common?

Catholic priests like them aged eight years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aitt8r/what_do_wine_and_altar_boys_have_in_common/
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A man complains: I´m tired of people talking behind my back...

...Sir, you are a taxi driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aitt1a/a_man_complains_im_tired_of_people_talking_behind/
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I broke my finger last week,

On the other hand, I'm okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aitsqt/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
%
Why are women like pools?

Because they cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aitqe0/why_are_women_like_pools/
%
what did the leper say to the whore?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aitp4o/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_whore/
%
If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1 GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aitosk/if_britain_leaves_the_eu_how_much_space_will_be/
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All children go through a phase of saying "no" to everything.

For german children it's the age of "nein".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aitiab/all_children_go_through_a_phase_of_saying_no_to/
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A man finds a Genie in a bottle

The genie says everything he gets his wife gets double
First he asks for 1 million dollars his wife gets 2 million
Then he asks for a billion dollar mansion his wife gets 2 billion dollar mansions
Lastly he asks to get beat half to death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aitgg6/a_man_finds_a_genie_in_a_bottle/
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There’s a special fire hydrant exclusive to only certain dogs.

It’s for VIPees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aite9b/theres_a_special_fire_hydrant_exclusive_to_only/
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What do you call a bee made in the United States?

A USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ait9q6/what_do_you_call_a_bee_made_in_the_united_states/
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Drunk buddies

Two Irish buddies, Paddy and Eamon , were getting very drunk at a bar celebrating St. Patrick’s Day when suddenly Paddy throws up all over himself.
'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'
Eamon says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Paddy stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Paddy says,
Now wainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said he's was berry
sorry an' gave me twenties bucks for the cleaning bill!'
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks...'
Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'
This is the first time i heard this joke and my pops told me it hope you all enjoyed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ait9f1/drunk_buddies/
%
A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail message.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: ''Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ait8ja/a_man_left_for_a_vacation_to_jamaica_his_wife_was/
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My daughter identifies as a small group of words standing together as a conceptual unit, typically forming a component of a clause.

Should I be worried or is it just a phrase?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ait4ld/my_daughter_identifies_as_a_small_group_of_words/
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Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate,

right where it hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ait49s/someone_insulted_me_on_my_monitors_refresh_rate/
%
One day Canada will take over the world

Then we'll all be sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ait0qb/one_day_canada_will_take_over_the_world/
%
I have never seen a UFO before...

because I'm always able to correctly identify the flying object

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiszm2/i_have_never_seen_a_ufo_before/
%
I am such a good driver...

... I can do 90mph and post on reddit at the sa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiszf0/i_am_such_a_good_driver/
%
Why wouldn't a "Fight Club" video game sell well?

The marketing would be nonexistent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aisyqd/why_wouldnt_a_fight_club_video_game_sell_well/
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Picture a woman with 12 boobs...

Looks weird dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aisvdm/picture_a_woman_with_12_boobs/
%
A Guy is being questioned in the police station, having just witnessed a murder.

They ask him if he can recall any details about the crime he had just witnessed, but the guy can't remember a single thing.
After a few hours of questioning and getting nowhere, the detectives decide to try something different and hand the guy a piece of paper and a pencil.
They ask him to draw anything that comes to mind... Anything at all.
The guy agrees and starts to draw something.
After a few minutes he shows the cops his work.
"A bullet case!" says one of the detectives. "Is it from the crime scene?"
"I can't recall" says the guy, "but I can try again... "
So they give him more paper and he draws another bullet case, and another and another...
Eventually they stop him and say, "Are these all from the crime scene?"
"I'm sorry, but I really can't remember" replies the guy. "I just keep drawing a blank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aistmy/a_guy_is_being_questioned_in_the_police_station/
%
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says, "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aisobm/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_fruit_punch/
%
Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aisnqn/told_my_wife_i_was_so_stressed_that_only_a/
%
Chinese man’s dog dies. He takes the dog to a crematory service.

The administrator asks the man how he would like to receive the remains. The man replies “medium well.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aismdg/chinese_mans_dog_dies_he_takes_the_dog_to_a/
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A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven.

He proceeds through the Pearly Gates, and is confronted by God, in all his glory.
God - “With my everlasting knowledge, you may ask me any question, and I shall fulfill you with the answer.”
Conspiracy Theorist - “God, I have to know, who really assassinated JFK?
God - “well, that was Lee Harvey Oswald, he worked alone and assassinated JFK”
The conspiracy theorist, with a look of shock on his face responds - “Oh wow, this goes even higher up than I thought”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aislki/a_conspiracy_theorist_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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A man wakes up in hospital...

Being still dizzy, he looks around in hopes of understanding what is going on. He sees a nurse beside his bed and asks her what has happened. The nurse says: "You were in a terrible car accident. You were lucky the doctors got to you on time... you were put together practically piece by piece... but don't worry, we even managed to save your penis tattoo that says 'orida'
The man then freaks out...
What 'orida'??!? The tattoo said 'Humangous greetings from the sunny beaches of Florida'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aisjw1/a_man_wakes_up_in_hospital/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

The p is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aisi4f/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
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What do you call a very caring father?

Daddycated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aisf7l/what_do_you_call_a_very_caring_father/
%
When is a pun good enough to make a dad-joke proud?

When it is fully groan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aisf5r/when_is_a_pun_good_enough_to_make_a_dadjoke_proud/
%
A King and Queen are having trouble conceiving a child...

So the king starts holding his breath. When the Queen asks him why he says, "How can I breathe when there's no heir?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiseii/a_king_and_queen_are_having_trouble_conceiving_a/
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What do you call a preponderance of evidence that your drink has been laced?

Probable Cosby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ais7b2/what_do_you_call_a_preponderance_of_evidence_that/
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Dad joke alert: Why did the kids bike keep falling over?

It was two tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ais77s/dad_joke_alert_why_did_the_kids_bike_keep_falling/
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What d’ya call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fucks Funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ais4wp/what_dya_call_a_rabbit_with_a_bent_dick/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ais41c/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
European heaven and hell

European heaven is where:
All the soldiers are British,
All the wine is French,
All the cars are German,
All the lovers are Italian,
The weather is Greek,
And everything is organized by the Swiss
European hell is where:
All the soldiers are French,
All the wine is German,
All the cars are Greek,
All the lovers are Swiss,
The weather is British,
And everything is organized by the Italians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ais2dy/european_heaven_and_hell/
%
The man who created autocorrect has died.

Restaurant in peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ais214/the_man_who_created_autocorrect_has_died/
%
I hate it when girls say "Please Don't Break my heart" right before sex

Now I have to explain to her that , my dick will not reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/airya1/i_hate_it_when_girls_say_please_dont_break_my/
%
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, " like a glove."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/airrnl/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_physical_he_tells/
%
What do you call a goth kid with cancer?

Chemo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/airqkq/what_do_you_call_a_goth_kid_with_cancer/
%
Just bought some guns from a guy who called himself “T-Rex”

He said he was a small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/airm1e/just_bought_some_guns_from_a_guy_who_called/
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Chris Brown came out as transgendered today

He figures if he can't beat em may as well join em

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/airlho/chris_brown_came_out_as_transgendered_today/
%
I was invited to a party full of vegans, but I wasn't there for very long.

We all sat down on the floor. Somebody brought out Monopoly, Frustration, Scrabble, Chess, Risk, Uno, Checkers, Yahtzee, Trivial Pursuit and Connect Four.
Everybody in the room suddenly turned to me. The guy that had brought in all these games said, "So, which one shall we play?"
"Erm," I hesitated, all eyes glaring at me with anticipation, "I don't know--I, there's so much to choose from."
"Well, what's your favourite game?" he insisted.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have said "venison".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/airejq/i_was_invited_to_a_party_full_of_vegans_but_i/
%
Why do leprechauns laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/air4u6/why_do_leprechauns_laugh_when_they_run/
%
An old man and woman had been married for 30 years. In those 30 years, the woman had always insisted on the lights being off when they had sex as she was embarrassed. The man was thankful for this really as he was embarrassed too and scared that he couldn’t please her.

so in the dark he always used a big dildo on her.
After all these years of sex, she still had no idea that’s what he did. One day, she decided that they’d been together so long that there was no reason to be embarrassed even though her body was now old. So in the middle of sex she reached over and turned the bedside lamp on, only to see that her husband was using a dildo.
She said angrily, “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!”
The man replied, “Ok, but first – explain the kids!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/air4f2/an_old_man_and_woman_had_been_married_for_30/
%
What do vegans and vampires have in common?

They don't eat at stake houses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/air3ls/what_do_vegans_and_vampires_have_in_common/
%
Why don’t they do reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

You don’t turn your back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiqyp9/why_dont_they_do_reverse_cowgirl_in_alabama/
%
Opposite word for 'laugh' is 'sex'.

Laugh is 'ha ha ha'.
Sex is 'ah ah ah'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiqxr4/opposite_word_for_laugh_is_sex/
%
Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry", said the first one.
"Me too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiquc5/two_robins_were_sitting_in_a_tree/
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My girlfriend broke up with me. So i took her wheel chair.

Guess who came crawling back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiqtjy/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_took_her/
%
Did you hear the Reddit Movie got cancelled?

It involved too much post production

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiqp1j/did_you_hear_the_reddit_movie_got_cancelled/
%
My boss said to dress for the job I want, not the job I have

Now I’m in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiqova/my_boss_said_to_dress_for_the_job_i_want_not_the/
%
I piy the fool

Yes, I missed a t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiqiih/i_piy_the_fool/
%
I always wanted my life to be a meme.

Dead in a week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiqfy7/i_always_wanted_my_life_to_be_a_meme/
%
What did the electrician say when he electrocuted himself?

That Hertz!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiqc5s/what_did_the_electrician_say_when_he_electrocuted/
%
What shoes do they make out of banana skins?

Slippers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiqbqw/what_shoes_do_they_make_out_of_banana_skins/
%
What do you call a guy who is interested in sex with a prostitute?

Buy-curious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiq77d/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_is_interested_in_sex/
%
A man goes to see his priest.

Father, my life is terrible, I have so many problems.
The priest tells him that he needs an exorcism to cast the devil out of his life.
Can't do that father, I have 3 chidren with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiq6w2/a_man_goes_to_see_his_priest/
%
I got kicked off my bowling team the other day

I managed to knock all the pins down on my first two turns. Then on my third turn I did it again and the leader of the team turned to me and said "Sorry, you're going to have to leave the team".
Apparently they have a three strike policy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiq5bk/i_got_kicked_off_my_bowling_team_the_other_day/
%
I got the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' confused.

Now I am in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiq4gw/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_confused/
%
What is the best selling sex toy in the animal kingdom?

The armadildo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiq19q/what_is_the_best_selling_sex_toy_in_the_animal/
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There are 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench..

A man in a trench-coat walks by and flashes them.
2 of the old ladies have a stroke.
The other one couldn't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aipz8t/there_are_3_old_ladies_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
Why did the United States invade Panama?

Just cause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aipz68/why_did_the_united_states_invade_panama/
%
For centuries, scientists said “Drake and Josh” couldn’t come to Hulu or Netflix

But they found a way, they found a way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aipyez/for_centuries_scientists_said_drake_and_josh/
%
I got scammed! Purchased Tiger Woods book “18 of my favorite holes”...

and it was about golf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aipyed/i_got_scammed_purchased_tiger_woods_book_18_of_my/
%
I met this little boy today who told me he is starting at a new school tomorrow and was afraid that the other kids would bully him.

I told him, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize. Why would anyone pick on you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aipxxj/i_met_this_little_boy_today_who_told_me_he_is/
%
My friend and I were arguing

And I was really getting tired of the argument.
So I wrote my name on a page in my notebook and wrote his beside mine.
I then showed it to him. With confusion clearly written on his face he asks:
"Why did you write my name beside yours. How does that relate to our argument"
And then I replied: "we don't have to argue anymore since we're already on the same page".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aipv9z/my_friend_and_i_were_arguing/
%
What's the difference between infinity and forever?

According to my ex-wife, forever is only two and a half months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aipu21/whats_the_difference_between_infinity_and_forever/
%
Why do North Koreans draw such straight lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aipmsk/why_do_north_koreans_draw_such_straight_lines/
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What’s not a good icebreaker?

Global warming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aipm88/whats_not_a_good_icebreaker/
%
My sons school was having "career day". When he came home, he was complaining that there wasn't any information available in his fields of interest.

I said "what do you want to after high school?"
He replies "either be a pizza delivery man or a pool skimmer" ..........
I'm pretty sure the little shit found my porn stash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiphy7/my_sons_school_was_having_career_day_when_he_came/
%
If being gay means being happy

Then i'm still straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aipcti/if_being_gay_means_being_happy/
%
Bill Gates has agreed to fund Trump's border wall...

On the one condition that they install Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aipcd0/bill_gates_has_agreed_to_fund_trumps_border_wall/
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How many tickles do you need to make an octopus love?

Ten tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aip8bj/how_many_tickles_do_you_need_to_make_an_octopus/
%
The creator of the USB flash drive died today.

He was lowered into his coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aip3v4/the_creator_of_the_usb_flash_drive_died_today/
%
What do you call an egg made of gold and diamonds?

Eggspensive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aip2jn/what_do_you_call_an_egg_made_of_gold_and_diamonds/
%
This is the joke: pussy.

You don't get it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aip020/this_is_the_joke_pussy/
%
A woman walks into a bar with a gun and snarls "who had sex with my husband!?"

In the back a lone nun raises their hand.
"My husband had sex with a nun!?!" the woman exclaims.
The nun replies, "Actually I'm just a bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aioy8a/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_gun_and_snarls/
%
There once was a cat that had 16 lives...

one day he got run over by a 4x4...and he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aioy3r/there_once_was_a_cat_that_had_16_lives/
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London lawyer and Irish Garda

A London lawyer travelling through Dublin runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!! Irish Garda says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the lawyer with it and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aioxii/london_lawyer_and_irish_garda/
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I hate it when guys call their girlfriends "partner in crime"

Like we get it bro, she's under-age

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aioxi7/i_hate_it_when_guys_call_their_girlfriends/
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What do ghosts, China, pansexuals and unicorns have in common?

They’re all not real

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiovf6/what_do_ghosts_china_pansexuals_and_unicorns_have/
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Forget cougars, I'm a Puma hunter

On the hunt Looking for
Pussy Under My Age

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aioumy/forget_cougars_im_a_puma_hunter/
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How do you neutralize Lords of Acid?

With some Ace of Base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiosxu/how_do_you_neutralize_lords_of_acid/
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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian...

..., an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...
The doorman stops them and says "Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiosoz/an_afghan_an_albanian_an_algerian_an_american_an/
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I was out shoveling snow with my kid the other day...

He kept whining about why I wasn't using the shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aios90/i_was_out_shoveling_snow_with_my_kid_the_other_day/
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Why will Congress never impeach Trump?

Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiorak/why_will_congress_never_impeach_trump/
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Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69

Paddy's never done it before so Mary says she'll show him.
She tells him to lay on the floor and squats over him.
As she's lowering herself down she farts. Apologizing, she tries again and farts again.
Paddy jumps up and storms out, yelling "I'll be fooked if I'm hanging around for 67 more of em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aioqmq/paddy_and_mary_decide_to_try_a_69/
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I wrote a few jokes for reddit and there is always one person who consistently likes my jokes - I just wish I could see who that one person is so I could look him in the eye and say:

Thanks for all your support!!!
but unfortunately when I write my terrible dad jokes I can never look myself in the eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aioesk/i_wrote_a_few_jokes_for_reddit_and_there_is/
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"It's dark in here"

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aioa8f/its_dark_in_here/
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what do you call a cow with no legs

ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aio68b/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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I was called a bicycle today.

Because I was too tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aio4bd/i_was_called_a_bicycle_today/
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I was kicked out of my church for suggesting Jesus may have spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ainzod/i_was_kicked_out_of_my_church_for_suggesting/
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My mate asked me what it's like to live IN North Korea...

I replied, can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ainynk/my_mate_asked_me_what_its_like_to_live_in_north/
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What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?

He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ainxke/what_did_the_light_house_keeper_do_when_he_lost/
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So a penguin took his car to get fixed

So a penguin took his car to the shop to get fixed. The mechanic told him it would take a while, so the penguin went across the street to get some ice cream. The penguin got some vanilla ice cream, and had to eat it with his beak because penguins don’t have arms. When he was done with the ice cream, his face was covered in it. The mechanic called the penguin and told him his car was done so he came back over to the shop to get his car. The mechanic said “it looks like you blew a seal.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ainxj1/so_a_penguin_took_his_car_to_get_fixed/
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My boss asked me what I would do for a pay rise, so I hesitated and said "...nothing sexual".

I wasn't really made to be a porn star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ainsig/my_boss_asked_me_what_i_would_do_for_a_pay_rise/
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What’s the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?

One goes “cockle-doodle-doo” and one goes “any-cock-will-do”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ainpn4/whats_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_a/
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Sexual Harassment

is a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ainpby/sexual_harassment/
%
And so the Lord said: "Come forth and receive eternal life!"

Then John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ainotq/and_so_the_lord_said_come_forth_and_receive/
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Zeus: And I will call it "Pegasus"

Me: \*crossing out "Mareplane"\* Oh yeah no that's great

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aino4f/zeus_and_i_will_call_it_pegasus/
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Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet? (Please read post)

Because this god damn joke is reposted every fucking hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ainm8q/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system_yet/
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Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.
"But there is no God" said Stalin
"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ainekw/stalin_approaches_a_farmer_and_asks_comrade_how/
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A soldier was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge.

The psychiatrist asked, "Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
"It would be hard to hear", replied the soldier.
"Good", said the psychiatrist. "What would happen If I cut off your other ear?"
"I wouldn't be able to see."
"That's interesting , why do you say that?"
"Because my cap would fall over my eyes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aindp3/a_soldier_was_having_a_psychiatric_test_prior_to/
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Accidently filled the escort with diesel.

She died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ain9xw/accidently_filled_the_escort_with_diesel/
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People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid...

Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ain9vh/people_who_talk_to_their_dogs_are_just_plain/
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I was in a band with a group of anti vaxxers.

We didn't live long enough to become popular.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ain8lc/i_was_in_a_band_with_a_group_of_anti_vaxxers/
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I saw Venus AND Jupiter this morning!

So glad the strip club is open early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ain7zp/i_saw_venus_and_jupiter_this_morning/
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I asked my mum why do tennis players always sound like they are having an orgasm...

... and why does she play tennis in the bathroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ain5ww/i_asked_my_mum_why_do_tennis_players_always_sound/
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My girlfriend keeps telling that having a tiny penis isn't such a big deal but I don't know..

I kinda wish she didn't have one at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ain5o5/my_girlfriend_keeps_telling_that_having_a_tiny/
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The Soviet Union actually made the best bread in the world

People would stand in line for days just to get a piece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ain552/the_soviet_union_actually_made_the_best_bread_in/
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A man goes to see a Tibetan monk with a existential question.

"I've been wondering about something... If I shave my asshole am I gay ?" asks the curious man
The enlightened monk takes some time to think and respond with his near infinite knowledge
"If you clean your house, it means that you are expecting visits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ain4ed/a_man_goes_to_see_a_tibetan_monk_with_a/
%
I get really angry when Google Chrome crashes.

It gets me totally on Edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ain2j3/i_get_really_angry_when_google_chrome_crashes/
%
Did you know the first french fries weren't fried in France?

They were fried in Greece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aimwjm/did_you_know_the_first_french_fries_werent_fried/
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What do you call two midget transgenders having sex.

Microtransaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aimmcp/what_do_you_call_two_midget_transgenders_having/
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Why are there so many trees next to the roads in France

The germans like marching in the shade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aimill/why_are_there_so_many_trees_next_to_the_roads_in/
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You know how to find Will Smith in the snow, don't you?

Just look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aimg6u/you_know_how_to_find_will_smith_in_the_snow_dont/
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Do you know why Ed doesn't have a girlfriend?

Because Sheeran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aimeu6/do_you_know_why_ed_doesnt_have_a_girlfriend/
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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aime9b/north_koreans_believe_they_live_in_the_best/
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My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if people you know are always calling you fat.”

“You are much bigger than that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aimada/my_wife_told_me_dont_get_upset_if_people_you_know/
%
Three of my favourite things are

eating my family and not using commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aim9or/three_of_my_favourite_things_are/
%
It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.
A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we to punishing them?” Not to be outdone by her male counterparts, the superior tries to impress by being just as ruthless and creative and tells her, “Ask them what job they had before joining the army...and use that method to remove their cocks! They will be forever known as dickless worms”
Eager to impress, the female Lieutenant busts open the cell door and grabs the first thief by the scruff of the neck and asks him “What did you do before you joined the army scum?” The thief replies, “I was a butcher”.
Thinking on her feet the female Lieutenant grabs a chefs clever and chops his cock off.
She asks the second thief the same question. Sweating profusely he replies “I was a fireman.”
She grabs a can of gasoline and lights his cock on fire.
She asks the third, “What was your job?”....he replies smiling...
“A lollipop salesman!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aim96d/its_parade_day_in_russia_and_3_military_thieves/
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What color breaks the law?

Violate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aim832/what_color_breaks_the_law/
%
A man got hit in the head with a can of coke, but he was alright

Because it is a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aim580/a_man_got_hit_in_the_head_with_a_can_of_coke_but/
%
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aim36j/my_grandfather_died_and_i_inherited_some_of_his/
%
Light aircraft crashes in Scotland!

Two kilt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ailxuq/light_aircraft_crashes_in_scotland/
%
My friends always tell me I'm a real people person...

But my psychiatrist prefers the term 'multiple personality disorder.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ailxc5/my_friends_always_tell_me_im_a_real_people_person/
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I was in an 80's band called The Prevention

We were better than The Cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ailuy6/i_was_in_an_80s_band_called_the_prevention/
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My friend said im a pussymagnet

For some reason all the girls have the same charge as me🤔

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ailuhw/my_friend_said_im_a_pussymagnet/
%
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references!

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ailsoy/i_cant_believe_that_even_after_15_years_i_would/
%
My mum told me if I get a tattoo I will have to move out.

My father could not lose the opportunity and got a tattoo himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ailomo/my_mum_told_me_if_i_get_a_tattoo_i_will_have_to/
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My iPhone screen went black but I can still hear my ringtone and answer phone calls

It's just an earPhone now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ailoki/my_iphone_screen_went_black_but_i_can_still_hear/
%
Why didn't the yam go to the Australian Open?

Because he wasn't a commontator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ailkjq/why_didnt_the_yam_go_to_the_australian_open/
%
Sweet dreams...

Sweet dreams are made of cheese
Who am I to diss a brie...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ailhuk/sweet_dreams/
%
What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ailcwq/what_do_you_call_a_judge_with_no_thumbs/
%
When you start to Excel

Haters start to spreadsheet
(Not my joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ail7by/when_you_start_to_excel/
%
Roses are red, violets are red...

Oh shit that means the gardens on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ail58w/roses_are_red_violets_are_red/
%
Four Officers are standing next to a cliff..

One officer from the Army, Navy, Marines and Air Force.
The Army officer says "we're the toughest, watch this", and tells one of his troops to jump off the cliff. The troop jumps.
The Navy officer says "that's nothing", and tells one of his troops to do a back flip off the cliff. The troop does.
The Marine officer says "you're all weak", and tells one of his troops to run and dive into the cliff firing his gun all the way down. The troop does.
Finally they look at the Air Force officer, who laughs at them and says "you want to see tough, watch this". He calls to an Air Force troop and says "jump off that cliff".
The troop replies "Fuck you sir!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ail3gy/four_officers_are_standing_next_to_a_cliff/
%
A couple had their first daughter and were deciding on a name.

The man decides he wants to call her Hope. The woman says “I like Love, let’s call her that!” They come to the resolution to name her Love, since that’s what the wife wanted so badly. Times goes by and baby Love is born a happy baby. Love continued to be a happy baby all through elementary school. However, once she got into a new middle school, all the other kids were making fun of her for being called ‘Love’. She came home every night for a few months crying to her mom and dad about the bullies at school making fun of her. The parents tried to be really supportive. One day the dad decides he wants to try and cheer her up so he makes her favorite food, and gets a few movies ready for the night. Love gets home right before her mom and storms past her dad in the kitchen despite him attempting to get her attention. He continues to fix and plate her favorite food when he hears her coming down the stairs. He turns to greet her warmly and tell her the plans when Love suddenly shoots him. She darts away cause she hears her mom coming through the front door. The mom drops to her knees in disbelief and caresses her husband as she shrouds in tears. She screams, “What happened?” The husband, in his final exclamation replies, “Shot to the heart, and you’re to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name.”
I’m not sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikyd3/a_couple_had_their_first_daughter_and_were/
%
What’s the difference between true communism and unhindered capitalism.

One spies on the people, removes privacy for the sake of the masses, and props up an establishment that serves only the lucky few.
And the other fortunately never caught on in America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikwp8/whats_the_difference_between_true_communism_and/
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Student 1: "How did your English test go?"

Student 2: "It was easy, but question 8 was confusing."
Student 1: "What was it?"
Student 2: "It asked for the past tense of 'think'. I thought and thought and thought, and I ended up putting down 'thinked.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikw2e/student_1_how_did_your_english_test_go/
%
Why do dinosaurs need deodorant?

Because they're ex stincked.
Courteousy my five year old nephew, be nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikumg/why_do_dinosaurs_need_deodorant/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikr96/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
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Hey baby, are you Britain?

Cos you're uncomfortably wet and can't decide if you want to be in or out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikpfd/hey_baby_are_you_britain/
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A solid joke

A scientist is studying the three states of matter.
The scientist then makes an amazing discovery, the scientist in the other room then walks in, he asks "What's the matter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikozn/a_solid_joke/
%
Movies

Friend 1: I just watched a film in which a man’s wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and has to chase thr kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
Friend 2 : Uhhh....what was it called?
Friend 1: Finding Nemo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiknbf/movies/
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To all the unpaid federal workers...

Don't worry about your bills...Mexico is gonna pay for it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikm77/to_all_the_unpaid_federal_workers/
%
What's the foot fetishist's secret to success?

Getting off on the right foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiklhp/whats_the_foot_fetishists_secret_to_success/
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What did Julius Caesar say when the French tribesmen rebelled against him?

I can’t believe you had the Gaul to do this.
You’re driving me in-Seine. I can’t handle this Rhine now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikkrq/what_did_julius_caesar_say_when_the_french/
%
My ex still misses me

But her aim is getting better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikk0d/my_ex_still_misses_me/
%
What’s the easiest way to limit overpopulation.

Change the the caption from “please do not try this at home” to “please try this at home”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikhl1/whats_the_easiest_way_to_limit_overpopulation/
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E Minor is Spooky.

It always gives me the E B G Bs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikgy3/e_minor_is_spooky/
%
Person 1: The best way to end an argument is to say “you’re right”.

Person 2: What do you mean, that’s never going to work.
Person 1: You’re right...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikgxp/person_1_the_best_way_to_end_an_argument_is_to/
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What is El Chapo’s favorite dog breed?

A Meth Lab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikg8y/what_is_el_chapos_favorite_dog_breed/
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Hey Girl are you a P.O box ?

Cuz I heard u like to have mails inside you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aikfha/hey_girl_are_you_a_po_box/
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A Vietnamese American woman, Christine Nguyen, wanted to preserve her surname.

Christine Nguyen, wanted to keep her surname after marriage, so she resolved to not take on the surname of the man she married, or change her name to a double barrel name that included her family's name.
Luckily, the man she ended up marrying was also Vietnamese American too, who just happened to have the same surname: Nguyen.
It was a win-win situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aika6f/a_vietnamese_american_woman_christine_nguyen/
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An Army soldier, an Air Force pilot, and a Marine stumble upon a sheep with its head stuck in a fence.

The army man says, "Guys, this is a perfect opportunity!"
"For what?" the others inquire.
Before the other two can finish their thought, the army man walks over to the sheep, drops his pants, and starts giving it hot and heavy to the helpless animal.
"What are you doing?!" exclaims the air force pilot.
"Oh man, you've got to try this," replies the army man, having the time of his life. "This is amazing!"
The pilot is a bit hesitant, but agrees to give it a try. So the army man moves aside, and the pilot walks over to the sheep, drops his pants, and starts giving it hot and heavy to the helpless animal.
"Oh my god!" shouts the pilot. "This is incredible!" Now beckoning to the Marine, the pilot tells him "You have got to get in on this!"
The Marine is timid, replying "Gee, I don't know. Are you sure?"
"Come on!" says the army man, with the support of the air force pilot. "You have to experience this!"
Finally caving, the Marine agrees. So the pilot steps aside, and the Marine walks up, drops his pants, and sticks his head through the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aik6yu/an_army_soldier_an_air_force_pilot_and_a_marine/
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Join the flat earth society! We don’t discriminate, because...

We have members all around the globe.
Yes. Flat earth is truly a global movement with a great “sphere” of influence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aik4ko/join_the_flat_earth_society_we_dont_discriminate/
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A Jewish man calls his mother...

And asks, "Hi Mom! How are you?"
Not so good...not so good." Comes the feeble reply.
"Why, are you sick?
"No...I'm healthy."
"Have you been sleeping alright?"
"Yes...I get a full 8 hours." she answers.
"Have you eaten yet today?"
"Well, no...Actually, now that I think of it...I haven't eaten anything at all in five days..."
"Mom, are you crazy??" He shouts.  "Why haven't you eaten in 5 days?"
"Well...I didn't want to have food in my mouth, in case you should call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijzce/a_jewish_man_calls_his_mother/
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed, ‘ GOOD GRIEF- WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijymu/an_attorney_arrived_home_late_after_a_very_tough/
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A man shows up late for work.

His boss yells, "You should’ve been here at 8:30!"
He replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijvjh/a_man_shows_up_late_for_work/
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Why is 77 better than 69?

Because you get ate more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijv1o/why_is_77_better_than_69/
%
What has six legs, green fur, red balls, and can kill you if it drops on you from a tree?

A snooker table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijt4l/what_has_six_legs_green_fur_red_balls_and_can/
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Why are there no fat astronauts?

lack of space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijrbh/why_are_there_no_fat_astronauts/
%
A man was watching TV

Man : Don’t do it !
Man : Don’t do it, you stupid idiot!
Wife : What are you watching, honey?
Man : Our wedding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijr41/a_man_was_watching_tv/
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Women really do hold grudges over the smallest things...

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijqkx/women_really_do_hold_grudges_over_the_smallest/
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My sister wanted to have “fun” with me, I didn’t want to but...

She incested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijnnm/my_sister_wanted_to_have_fun_with_me_i_didnt_want/
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A man wakes up one day and notices he’s shrinking. (Long)

He checks his height everyday but today, he has lost an inch. The man thinks nothing of it and continues about his day.
The next day he wakes up and checks his height again. This time he has lost two inches. Concerned, the man calls his physician and scheduled an appointment for the following day.
On the morning of his appointment, he checks his height again. He has shrunk a whole foot!! The man races to the doctor’s office as fast as possible.
He bursts in the door, runs past the nurse’s station and rams down the door to the doctor’s office. “Doc! Doc!, you gotta help me”. The doctor says “calm down sir, what’s the problem?”
The man says excitedly “Doc! I’m shrinking! I don’t know what to do.”
The doctor looks at the man and says “I’m sorry, sir. You’re going to have to be a little patient”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijkhv/a_man_wakes_up_one_day_and_notices_hes_shrinking/
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A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.
The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie And I am here to grant you two wishes and the third is a wish I get to keep for myself. I’m a different kind of Genie and it takes 24 hours for my wishes to come true.”
The husband changes his tune and begins conjuring two wishes he would love to come true.
For his first wish the man asks to have perfect health for the rest of his life.
“Done” says the genie.
For his second wish, he asks for $1 million.
“it will be in your bank account in 24 hours“ Responds the genie.
The husband at this point is really excited and he says to the genie “thank you Genie for all you have done, can I ask what you’d like your wish to be?”
The genie response that he’d like to have sex with his wife. He says it gets lonely being in the bottle for thousands of years.
The husband looks at the wife and she responds “I guess with what he’s done for us and if you’re OK with it, I guess I could return the favor“.
“Then it is a done deal” says the genie.
That night the genie and the wife are in a hotel room. The two of them screw like rabbits for four hours straight, it’s the best sex she’s had since college.
The next morning while sitting in bed, The wife tells the genie that that was the most amazing sex she’s ever had.
“Agreed“, says the genie. “But I have one question for you before I go?“
“How long has your husband been believing in genies?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijia8/a_married_couple_comes_home_to_their_mansion/
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What do vegetables say at parties?

Lettuce Turnip the Beet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijh3x/what_do_vegetables_say_at_parties/
%
"GIVE IT TO ME!" She screamed. "I'm so wet right now!"

She can yell all she wants, I'm keeping my umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijgaw/give_it_to_me_she_screamed_im_so_wet_right_now/
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So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijfiv/so_after_winning_the_ball_game_i_decided_to_throw/
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If americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijdsz/if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to_kilograms/
%
Cardi B’s search on Spotify jumped by 750%

After Spotify introduced the ‘Don’t play this artist’ option.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aijbtr/cardi_bs_search_on_spotify_jumped_by_750/
%
I was slightly traumatized while canning some food.

It was a jarring experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aij9w0/i_was_slightly_traumatized_while_canning_some_food/
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My parents found bondage gear that i’ve been hiding in my room

I bought bondage gear from my local sex shop and hid it under my bed.
My parents were furious when they found out and I was yelled at and spanked.
So i started leaving it out in the open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aij9ms/my_parents_found_bondage_gear_that_ive_been/
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Five friends lived in a room!!

Their names were Somebody, Nobody, Mad, Brain, Fool..
One day Somebody killed Nobody. At that time Brain was in bathroom and Mad called police..
Mad: Is it police station??
Police: Yes, what's the matter??
Mad: Somebody killed Nobody!
Police: What?? Are you mad?
Mad: Yes, I am Mad.
Police: Hey retard, where is your brain?
Mad: Brain is in the bathroom!
Police: What? I don't have any time for this. Are you fool?
Mad: Fool is reading this joke!!
P.S: Appreciate light humour!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aij8qs/five_friends_lived_in_a_room/
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What do you get when you cross Gilbert Gottfried and Donald Trump?

A migraine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aij6uj/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_gilbert_gottfried/
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What was the puta’s favorite soft drink?

Whore-chata
Yeah, lame, but at least not a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aij49q/what_was_the_putas_favorite_soft_drink/
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A nurse checks her coat pocket...

but instead of finding her pen, finds a rectal thermometer. "Fuck!" she exclaims. "That asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aij1a7/a_nurse_checks_her_coat_pocket/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*gags*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiixu3/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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A man walks into a bar

and sits down. After a couple minutes of sipping his beer, a genie appears. The genie says that the man has one wish. The man whispers it to the genie, but keeps it to himself. Ten minutes later a foot tall dwarf runs along the counter, knocks his beer over then runs away. The man looks at the genie and says "What was that all about?". The genie says "Well, you wanted a 12 inch dick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiiwg4/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Who says Fyre Festival was a failure?

Instead of entertaining thousands of people it entertained millions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiivez/who_says_fyre_festival_was_a_failure/
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Did you hear that there’s a table over there with a pile of free cocaine one it?

You better get there quick. It looks like people are already starting to form a line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiiv6j/did_you_hear_that_theres_a_table_over_there_with/
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What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiirhm/what_has_4_wheels_and_flies/
%
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiirhq/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell_once_there_he_finds/
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Red head

Anxious new father: "Doctor, doctor, I'm so worried... Both my wife and I have black hair but our sons just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny had been going on?"
Doctor: "Not necessarily, how many times do you have sex?"
Father: "About 5 times a year"
Doctor: "Well there's your answer then, you're just a little rusty"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiir73/red_head/
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Ask me what the secret to comedy is.

What’s the secret to comedy?Timing.
This joke does not work via text format.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiiqas/ask_me_what_the_secret_to_comedy_is/
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Why did they close down the restroom?

Everybody kept losing their shit in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiinyb/why_did_they_close_down_the_restroom/
%
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiimoi/what_did_the_scientist_say_when_he_found_2/
%
If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiil4a/if_there_was_a_competition_for_saggy_tits_my_wife/
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My girlfriend woke up and said “I’m mad at you! I just had a dream that you were hitting on college girls!”

I could tell she was really upset so I hugged her, then looked in her eyes and said “Oh sweetheart you have nothing to worry about...I don’t dig smart chicks”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiikg0/my_girlfriend_woke_up_and_said_im_mad_at_you_i/
%
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiik6a/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
How many people work in your store?

About a third.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiijh7/how_many_people_work_in_your_store/
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As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,

"Son, you know that one would have been enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiige1/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/
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Why is 6.9 the worst number?

It's a 69 interrupted by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiif16/why_is_69_the_worst_number/
%
A normal trip to the doctor.

Doctor: “Do you do any sports?”
Patient: “Does sex count?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiieiz/a_normal_trip_to_the_doctor/
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What do you call a man that never farts in public?

A private tutor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiicmw/what_do_you_call_a_man_that_never_farts_in_public/
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Political Joke

My neighbors were just walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.  She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied.. "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride! Wow… what a worthy goal!" I said . . .
But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!"
What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party..."
Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiibi2/political_joke/
%
Thanks Reddit

I am pretty sure I don't have fucking Alzheimer's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aii4pe/thanks_reddit/
%
What’s on top of a dogs house?

A woof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aii4b0/whats_on_top_of_a_dogs_house/
%
They say calling people crazy is like being racist now.

All those people I bit at the mall ought to be ashamed of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aii24k/they_say_calling_people_crazy_is_like_being/
%
I don’t like Finland....

But their flag is a plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aii04n/i_dont_like_finland/
%
It’s like my uncle always said...

Stop squirmin’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aihwv6/its_like_my_uncle_always_said/
%
New Kind Of Car

At the bar, Tom and Bill were talking. “My uncle tried to make a new kind of car. He took the wheels from a Cadillac, the radiator from a Lexus, and tires from a Ford," said Tom.
“What did he get?" asked Bill.
“Two years,” said Tom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aihwu1/new_kind_of_car/
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Elections are like trying to sculpt a beautiful sculpture out of shit

You start out with shit and by the end of the day it's still shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aihvi3/elections_are_like_trying_to_sculpt_a_beautiful/
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Went hiking and got a little poison ivy on myself.

When I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication I had to make a rash decision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aihtal/went_hiking_and_got_a_little_poison_ivy_on_myself/
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Your Momma so fat.......

Her flesh eating disease got diabetes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aihndx/your_momma_so_fat/
%
I was drawing a graph for my report expecting a straight line. But I got a curve.

What a plot twist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aihh69/i_was_drawing_a_graph_for_my_report_expecting_a/
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In case any of you were wondering how the guy who had his entire left side cut off is...

He's alright now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aih63p/in_case_any_of_you_were_wondering_how_the_guy_who/
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What's the difference between an archaeologist and a grave robber?

The robber does the crime, then does the time. The archaeologist does the time, then the crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aih4v9/whats_the_difference_between_an_archaeologist_and/
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To be frank

I’ll have to change my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aih42m/to_be_frank/
%
My Thai girlfriend says a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship.

But I still wish she didn't have one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aih2i1/my_thai_girlfriend_says_a_small_penis_shouldnt_be/
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An old farmer goes to the doctor for chronic coughing

The doctor took a perfunctory look at the farmer and tsked. "Just one cigarette a day from now on!" he told the farmer.
Six months later the farmer comes back looking absolutely terrible. "I told you one cigarette a day," the doctor said. "Have you been taking my advice?"
The farmer replied, "At my age, do you realize how difficult it is to pick up smoking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aigslp/an_old_farmer_goes_to_the_doctor_for_chronic/
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2 brothers, 12 and 10 decide it's time for them to act more manly

It's just before breakfast and the 2 brothers in their bedroom upstairs decide they're going to start cursing since that's what they see in the adult shows and movies. Mom calls them down for breakfast and they head down to the kitchen and take a seat. Mom turns to the 10 year old and asks "what would you like for breakfast?" He replies "I'd love some damn Cheerios". The mom shouts "what did you just say?!?!" He repeats "I'd love some damn Cheerios..." She smacks him in the mouth for such foul language. Then turns to the other boy and says "and what do you want?"
He responds quickly "well I sure as hell don't want any fuckin Cheerios!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aigr5k/2_brothers_12_and_10_decide_its_time_for_them_to/
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Apparently, in the Dark Ages, having sex with corpses was pretty popular

But now, necrophilia is fucking dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aigr10/apparently_in_the_dark_ages_having_sex_with/
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The super bowl is this weekend, don't forget to bring a jacket because it's supposed to get cold.

Luckily, there shouldn't be any Brees though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aigpon/the_super_bowl_is_this_weekend_dont_forget_to/
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How did the man lose his teeth?

AcciDENTALly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aigonm/how_did_the_man_lose_his_teeth/
%
Today at the bank an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aigmei/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
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What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aigl76/what_drove_the_conductor_to_commit_his_heinous/
%
I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aigka9/i_quit_my_job_as_a_postman_the_first_day_right/
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Pros and cons of dating a man

Pro: Their dicks
Con: They’re dicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aigjdu/pros_and_cons_of_dating_a_man/
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What does every woman in the world want?

Nothing they're fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aigg79/what_does_every_woman_in_the_world_want/
%
A husband walks into the bedroom and is shocked by what he sees.

"Oh my God Carol, no!"
"But I told you all about us."
"I thought you said you were doing YOGA!"
"Embarrassing this is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aigfnh/a_husband_walks_into_the_bedroom_and_is_shocked/
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A farmer is at the bar complaining about a pushy fertilizer salesman.

There's only so much bullshit a guy can take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aig8wh/a_farmer_is_at_the_bar_complaining_about_a_pushy/
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What do you call making four left turns while vaping?

A Juulers loop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aig8iv/what_do_you_call_making_four_left_turns_while/
%
My arab wife left me

She never realized what jihad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aig85x/my_arab_wife_left_me/
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What do you call an Irishman with a homoerotic tongue fetish?

Gaelic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aig83i/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_with_a_homoerotic/
%
My grandson



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aig4sc/my_grandson/
%
I’m an ex Hokey Pokey addict

But I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aig1vt/im_an_ex_hokey_pokey_addict/
%
Why was Ed single?

Because Sheeran away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aifzmt/why_was_ed_single/
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There was an old couple laying in bed

The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aifx36/there_was_an_old_couple_laying_in_bed/
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To be fair to Prince Phillip...

He hasn't been involved in a car accident since 1997

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aifwci/to_be_fair_to_prince_phillip/
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What do you do with an English prostitute

You give her a pound, then you give her a pound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aifnxc/what_do_you_do_with_an_english_prostitute/
%
My son's favourite nursery rhyme taught me what strategy mice use to win sports games.

They like to run down the clock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiflxk/my_sons_favourite_nursery_rhyme_taught_me_what/
%
A, B, C

“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said.
“Vitamin  A, B or C?”, the pharmacist asked.
“It doesn’t matter”, the mother replied.
“He can’t read yet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiflv7/a_b_c/
%
God said that all men will find love in every corner of the Earth

Then he made the Earth round and laughed and laughed and laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aifgl7/god_said_that_all_men_will_find_love_in_every/
%
If you pass your AirPods to your kid...

Do they become HeirPods?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiffn1/if_you_pass_your_airpods_to_your_kid/
%
If guys get morning wood.......

Do girls get morning dew?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aif8bg/if_guys_get_morning_wood/
%
I can't stand it when people ask me where I see myself in a year or now.

It's not like I have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aif514/i_cant_stand_it_when_people_ask_me_where_i_see/
%
Today I saw a woman texting and driving

I was so pissed off that I rolled down my window and I threw my beer at her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aif2of/today_i_saw_a_woman_texting_and_driving/
%
Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiex5h/why_doesnt_mexico_host_the_olympic_games/
%
What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? NSFW

Its asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aieuar/whats_the_last_thing_that_goes_through_a_bugs/
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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"
Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aieu1m/wife_was_cleaning_12_year_old_sons_bedroom/
%
My sister asked me to remove her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt."Take off my shoes."
I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
and so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aietjm/my_sister_asked_me_to_remove_her_clothes/
%
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.
(I'll get my coat).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aierh8/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
I use to write letters to people i hate and burn them.

Now I dont know what to do with the letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aieobn/i_use_to_write_letters_to_people_i_hate_and_burn/
%
Why couldn’t the pasta maker get into his apartment?

Because he had gnocchi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiejus/why_couldnt_the_pasta_maker_get_into_his_apartment/
%
A man was at the checkout to buy a broom for his house.

He goes up to the cashier and asks if the broom he has is the best one they have. The cashier responds "im not sure i mean a broom is a broom". The man replies "whoa lets not make any sweeping generalizations here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiej12/a_man_was_at_the_checkout_to_buy_a_broom_for_his/
%
what do alleles and diarrhea have in common

they both run in your genes   ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiei84/what_do_alleles_and_diarrhea_have_in_common/
%
Sharing a washing machine in college

I was going to the college laundry room to wash my clothes and noticed someone left their clothes in the dryer that I had booked.
Naturally I just went to take it out, but just as I did, a girl walked in, and saw me with my arms full of her towels and underwear.
She gave me a very weird look, so I tried to explain, that I had booked the machine and such, and that I'm not a pervert.
But she just took her stuff and left, without saying anything.
I don't think she believed my explanation.
Or maybe she just couldn't understand what I was saying because I still had her panties in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aie1sh/sharing_a_washing_machine_in_college/
%
I once bought a synonym roll

but they had a different name for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aidwij/i_once_bought_a_synonym_roll/
%
A man comes home late one night, drunk.

"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!"
This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on."
On the other end, she hears "Hey Jimmy, I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aidw5w/a_man_comes_home_late_one_night_drunk/
%
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aidvax/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
%
What do you call it when you can only say vowels?

A vowel movement or in-consonants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aidsb1/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_can_only_say_vowels/
%
Smoking joke

Girlfriend: How many ciggerates do you smoke per day?
Boyfriend: 5 packs, give or take
Girlfriend: If you quit smoking, you could even buy a car in a year.
Boyfriend: huh...do you smoke?
Girlfriend: God, no.
Boyfriend: Where is your car?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aidoii/smoking_joke/
%
A woman was in a coma...

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bath. One of them was washing her private parts and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched the patient "down there."
They tried it again and sure enough, there was sizable movement on the monitor. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the
coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.  The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.  After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined.  No pulse, no heart
rate, nothing.
The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened?" The husband said, "I'm not sure... maybe she choked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aidn04/a_woman_was_in_a_coma/
%
Three brothers moved to America from China.

The brothers names were Chu, Bu, and Fu. These brothers decided they wanted more American sounding names so they went to City Hall to change them.
Chu decided to go by Chuck, Bu decided to go by Buck, and Fu went back to China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aidlze/three_brothers_moved_to_america_from_china/
%
The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC

Donald-"I think I'll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy"
Melania- "Why don't you throw ten $100 bills and make ten Americans happy?
Ivanka- "It will be even better if you throw one hundred $10 dollar bills and make one hundred people happy?
The pilot hears the conversation and exclaims "Why don't y'all jump out the window and make the entire country happy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aidly5/the_trump_family_is_flying_from_new_york_to_dc/
%
I found out how vaccines cause autism,

Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aid5vv/i_found_out_how_vaccines_cause_autism/
%
My wife told me sex was better on holiday

That wasn’t a very nice postcard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aid378/my_wife_told_me_sex_was_better_on_holiday/
%
I asked a Chinese girl for her number

She said "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex! Tonight!"
I said "wow!"
Then her friend said "she means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aicz8m/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
%
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aictsb/three_men_are_in_a_hotel_room_in_soviet_russia/
%
What do pianists use to remember what groceries they need to buy?

A Chopin Liszt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aict0f/what_do_pianists_use_to_remember_what_groceries/
%
How much space do you free after the Brexit?

1 GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aicnpu/how_much_space_do_you_free_after_the_brexit/
%
"I'm just trying to get off on the right foot"

\- Foot fetishist with OCD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aicfap/im_just_trying_to_get_off_on_the_right_foot/
%
As I had suspected, someone had been adding soil to my garden

The plot thickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aicf3k/as_i_had_suspected_someone_had_been_adding_soil/
%
Only a fisherman will understand the struggle

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.
Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aic9pv/only_a_fisherman_will_understand_the_struggle/
%
Did you know you can't breathe while smiling?

Just kidding,  wanted to make you smile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aic94l/did_you_know_you_cant_breathe_while_smiling/
%
I gave up my seat to a blind lady in a bus.

She didn't notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aic0up/i_gave_up_my_seat_to_a_blind_lady_in_a_bus/
%
A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."

This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"
The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aibwrp/a_recently_married_couple_retire_to_their/
%
Whats the difference between Humans and Bullets?

Humans miss John Lennon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aibtbv/whats_the_difference_between_humans_and_bullets/
%
If Donald Trump were a robot, which one would he be?

WALL-E

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aibtag/if_donald_trump_were_a_robot_which_one_would_he_be/
%
Need advice: I'm 35 years old but due to drinking problems I have the liver of a 65 year old

I got drunk and before I knew it I was performing surgery on an older man. How can I either dispose of his liver or sell it on the black market?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aibsxw/need_advice_im_35_years_old_but_due_to_drinking/
%
Your Momma is so mean,

she has no standard deviation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aibr5f/your_momma_is_so_mean/
%
I asked the bookstore clerk if he had Trump’s new book on border security.

He said “Fuck you! Get out and stay out!” I replied, “ Yes- that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aibopm/i_asked_the_bookstore_clerk_if_he_had_trumps_new/
%
What do you call a farm vehicle that is exceptional at finding the right angle?

A pro-tractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aibmrp/what_do_you_call_a_farm_vehicle_that_is/
%
A man escapes from the Soviet Union

He visits his relative who has been living in West Germany and did quite well for himself. The relative takes him on a tour of town in his brand new Mercedes. The Soviet man, not having seen a Mercedes in his life, asks him about the three pointed star hood ornament.
The relative decides to pull a prank on him. "this is used for aiming. You see, here in West Germany, we are allowed to take out pedestrians if they don't cross the street on a cross walk".
He decides to "demonstrate" how it works. He picks out a jaywalking pedestrian, presses the throttle full speed, pretends to be looking through the hood ornament, then tires screeching, swerves right near the pedestrian.
"Is this German engineering?" scoffs the Soviet man. "Well that didn't work at all. I had to open the door to get him".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiblsr/a_man_escapes_from_the_soviet_union/
%
Elephant Trunk

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.
"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aibk4l/elephant_trunk/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aibhsp/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
My teacher said our class was do dumb not even 80% of us would pass the test

She’s the dumb one, we don’t even have that much people in our class!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aibhct/my_teacher_said_our_class_was_do_dumb_not_even_80/
%
In a very large commercial building there were three stores owned and run by three different businessmen.

The businessman who had his store at one end of the building put up a sign that read "Year End Clearance Sale".
At the far end of the building, not to be outdone, the other businessman put up a sign that read "Closing Out Sale".
The businessman who ran the store in the middle got nervous. He was afraid that his business would certainly be hurt due to the two big signs put up by his competitors.
After grilling his mind for a bit he goes and puts up a sign flashing "Main Entrance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aibh4s/in_a_very_large_commercial_building_there_were/
%
As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.

Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aibfv0/as_a_lumberjack_i_know_i_have_cut_down_2718_trees/
%
My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aibaqc/my_roommate_is_spreading_rumours_that_i_have/
%
I once thought I was into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality

Turns out I was just beating a dead horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aib9en/i_once_thought_i_was_into_sadism_necrophilia_and/
%
You know what's the #MeToo movement's problem?

Fucking women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aib3vu/you_know_whats_the_metoo_movements_problem/
%
I gave up my seat to a blind lady in the bus..

And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aib0u8/i_gave_up_my_seat_to_a_blind_lady_in_the_bus/
%
Start taking dental hygiene seriously at a young age

It’s nothing to brush off lightly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiavv3/start_taking_dental_hygiene_seriously_at_a_young/
%
I don’t judge prostitutes

Their career choice is their own fucking business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiauot/i_dont_judge_prostitutes/
%
My brother asked if he could have a little peace and quiet while cooking dinner...

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiau4q/my_brother_asked_if_he_could_have_a_little_peace/
%
What do you call a hipster who turns into a skeleton?

Urban Decay!
I did not originally think of this,  I heard it from a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiatch/what_do_you_call_a_hipster_who_turns_into_a/
%
Putin and Medvedev go into a restaurant

"What would you gentlemen like to have?" asks the waiter.
"I'll have the steak", says Putin.
"Excellent choice, sir. What about the accompanying vegetable?" asks the waiter.
"He'll also have the steak", says Putin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aias5a/putin_and_medvedev_go_into_a_restaurant/
%
the world’s best cloud storage service was released today, called Titanic.

It’s always synching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiaqc0/the_worlds_best_cloud_storage_service_was/
%
I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting one etc and I'm like "Yeah, it's pretty good." trying to play it cool because I don't wanna give away that there's no way I could even afford one if I wanted to. But then after a while, his comments start becoming personal, first complimenting my shoes and calling me a 'strapping young lad'. Now I'm quite weirded out but figure he's just new at sales and really bad at it.
But then I realised he's not a staff member, that he doesn't work there. So now I'm fully freaked out, this guy just came up to me and all up in my personal space, so I try to ignore him (but not trying to be subtle about it). I turn away, and get this, he sort of grabs my arm to turn me back and gives it a little squeeze and says something along the lines of "Ooh, you been hitting the gym yeah?". I turn to look at him and say "Excuse me, do not touch me" and quickly leave.
This guy catches up to me all apologetic, saying how sorry he is and he didn't realise he was annoying me and that. And as I'm about to say "Yeah okay fine whatever", he says "Listen, here's the thing. If you give me a blowjob, I will give you this new iPhone XS" and pulls out this new iPhone, box fresh. I was flabbergasted. I genuinely thought I'd misheard him, so had to clarify and said "What? You want me to suck you off for a phone? Really?!" And he smiled and nodded.
Some people are fucking disgusting.  Makes me sick.
Sent from my iPhone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiano8/i_31m_just_had_the_most_uncomfortable_experience/
%
A dog walks in a telegram office

He takes a piece of paper and writes:
"Woof woof, woof. Woof woof woof, woof."
He then gives it to the clerk. The clerk looks at it and politely says to the dog, "You can write three extra woofs for the same price."
The dog looks confused and says,
"But that would make no sense at all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiai4t/a_dog_walks_in_a_telegram_office/
%
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?

The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiahem/why_shouldnt_you_hire_a_volleyball_player_to_be/
%
What has four legs but can't walk?

7yo daughter response: half an octopus?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiafzh/what_has_four_legs_but_cant_walk/
%
Two university professors were arguing...

...over who was the better teacher. The first professor boasts that he could teach anybody any subject in a matter of days, so the second professor makes a proposal. He tells the first professor that if he really can teach anyone, then he should have no problem going downtown, finding a prostitute, and giving her a college education in only a few weeks. The first professor takes him up on the challenge and heads straight to the red light district, where he finds a hooker and offers to teach her. She's tired of working the streets, so she agrees. Things go extremely well at first; the woman does well in astronomy and Latin. She quickly picks up calculus and chemistry. But, to the surprise of both professors, she seems to enjoy the subject of philosophy most of all, taking to it like a duck to water.
After just two weeks, the second professor returns to his friend's house to concede defeat. But, when he arrived at the house, the woman was nowhere to be found! He looked in the library where the woman had been studying and found it in shambles. The first professor was disheveled and holding a half empty bottle of whiskey, and looked as though he'd been sobbing.
"Dear God, man, what happened?" the second professor asks.
"I have no idea!" cried the first professor, tossing the bottle aside. "We had just begun to discuss the works of the early French philosophers, and all of a sudden she became quite irrational-- throwing things and yelling-- and then she stormed out! I don't understand, what could possibly have gone wrong?"
"Well," says the second professor, "I guess it's true that you can't put Descartes before the whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiafix/two_university_professors_were_arguing/
%
Pete and Billy are sitting and drinking beer

when Billy’s dog starts licking  his own balls. Peter admires that and finally says, “man I would like to be able to do that”
Then Billy says “that’s not a problem, just pet him a little bit first”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiaez3/pete_and_billy_are_sitting_and_drinking_beer/
%
A man was talking to his stepdaughter when the stepdaughter asked...

"What do you call nuts on the wall?"
The stepfather replied "well my dear that would be Walnuts."
The stepdaughter then asks "well what would nuts on your chest be called?"
The stepfather replies "well my dear those would be called chestnuts."
The stepdaughter finally asks "okay, then what would it be called if you had nuts on your chin?"
Then the stepfather replies "well my dear that means you have a dick in your mouth."
(completely stolen joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiaetc/a_man_was_talking_to_his_stepdaughter_when_the/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson decide to go camping together

They set up their tent, go inside and fall asleep.
In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes Watson up
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see"
Watson replies, "I see thousands and thousands of stars"
Sherlock then says, "And what can you conclude from that?"
Watson thinks for a moment and replies, "Well if there are a thousand stars, there could be stars with planets such as Earth, and therefore life on other---"
Sherlock then interrupts him, "No Watson, it means somebody stole our tent, you idiot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiaeq7/sherlock_holmes_and_doctor_watson_decide_to_go/
%
Two cannibals stumble upon a corpse

They decide to eat the body. One started at the head while the other began with the feet. As they were eating, the face eater asks the other, “How's it going?”
The foot chewer replies “I am having a ball.”
“Slow down, you're eating too fast”﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiaefp/two_cannibals_stumble_upon_a_corpse/
%
With all Gillette drama said and done

I guess it really wasn’t meant for sensitive skin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiaact/with_all_gillette_drama_said_and_done/
%
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aiaa52/a_man_walks_into_a_pharmacy_and_wanders_up_and/
%
Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aia6dd/even_the_best_farmers_or_engineers_failed_to/
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What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aia5zf/what_would_the_greatest_hockey_player_in_history/
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Whats Ben Shapiro's favourite rapper?

Logic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai9zm6/whats_ben_shapiros_favourite_rapper/
%
Who’s your favorite backup quarterback?

“I think his name is Justin Case”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai9xib/whos_your_favorite_backup_quarterback/
%
A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?
Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.
Student:  well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.
Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac.
Student: how about someone who is aroused by feces?
Prof: that’s not so common but I believe they call those people coprophiliacs.
Student: Wow, you know a lot.  Ok, what about me?  I’m aroused by sticking my junk into a bag of cashews. What would you call me?
Prof: well I’d say you’re fucking nuts.
&nbsp;
Edit dos: thanks for the gilding fine friend
Edit three: I know we can argue the definition of cashews being a fruit and not a nut but honestly folks, try sticking your junk in a bag of unshelled chestnuts and see how that feels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai9t9k/a_student_in_a_psych_class_is_asking_his/
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How does the Moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai9rwk/how_does_the_moon_cut_his_hair/
%
Russia really want to invade Finland so they can rest

As they would cross the Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai9r5f/russia_really_want_to_invade_finland_so_they_can/
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My wife said she wanted to take me out.

But she couldn't find a hitman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai9o1x/my_wife_said_she_wanted_to_take_me_out/
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Why is 88 better than 69?

You get ate twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai9n91/why_is_88_better_than_69/
%
I don't watch much porn

5 minutes is usually enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai9mfc/i_dont_watch_much_porn/
%
I believe that the ultra rich deserve to be treated like royalty

Louis XVI, specifically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai9kmk/i_believe_that_the_ultra_rich_deserve_to_be/
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What do Cowboys get when they ride all-day

Rawhide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai9hvh/what_do_cowboys_get_when_they_ride_allday/
%
I took my kid to the pet store, and he wanted to get a porcupine who lost all its quills.

I said, “That’s completely pointless.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai9dx4/i_took_my_kid_to_the_pet_store_and_he_wanted_to/
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Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.

They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework.
Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor.
I’m like yeah sure what?
He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American.
I’m like alright dude! So after school I’m driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I’m like what’s the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that he’d disrespect his ancestry by changing it.
So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it’s our turn and Ving tells me he’s picked “Lee” as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah.
Then it’s time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can’t do it.
Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep.
The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request.
Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors.
“DAD!” Ling and Ving exclaim.
He looked at them and cried, “Don’t stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai9acp/two_students_from_asia_came_to_my_high_school/
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My kids love The Hulk so I painted myself green for my son’s birthday party.

Man were they excited to meet Shrek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai9a8g/my_kids_love_the_hulk_so_i_painted_myself_green/
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How do you Measure how Heavy a Red Hot Chili Pepper Is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai92ra/how_do_you_measure_how_heavy_a_red_hot_chili/
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Having a dick kinda sucks but...

It has its own ups and downs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai8y2n/having_a_dick_kinda_sucks_but/
%
If a Quiz is Quizzical, what’s a Test?

A written examination in which you are tested on the year’s curriculum.. you dirty minded bastards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai8pxp/if_a_quiz_is_quizzical_whats_a_test/
%
Knock Knock

Who's there?
A mesh.
A mesh who?
You're not a shoe, you're a person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai8p4d/knock_knock/
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I know a lot of you are sad because it’s a Monday...

But don’t forget, only 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai8oej/i_know_a_lot_of_you_are_sad_because_its_a_monday/
%
I wrote letters to all the people I hate, and I burned them.

Now I don't know what to do with the letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai8hm6/i_wrote_letters_to_all_the_people_i_hate_and_i/
%
Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it is cheaper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai8h5g/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_female/
%
I honestly think girls need to stop acting like their periods are the worst things in the world

It's really just a bit of an ovary action, don't you think?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai8fnv/i_honestly_think_girls_need_to_stop_acting_like/
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I woke up in panic and told my wife of a nightmare where my brain ran away

She said “No, dumbass. It’s all in your head”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai8c42/i_woke_up_in_panic_and_told_my_wife_of_a/
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What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?

Ag I tat Ed.
I'm veeeerrrryyyyy agitated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai88th/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_silver_a/
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Three women are talking about blowing their husbands...

First one says: every time I give my husband a blow job his balls are cold.
Second one: Same here dear, every time I give my husband a blow job his balls are cold as well.
Third woman remains quite.
After few days the women were getting together again, the third woman shows up with a black eye. The other two asked her what happened.
Third woman: Well, I've asked my husband how come every time I give him a blow job his balls are warm when the rest of the guys' balls are cold?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai877h/three_women_are_talking_about_blowing_their/
%
If Trump gets a coin every time he gets criticized

He would have built the wall using his own money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai85si/if_trump_gets_a_coin_every_time_he_gets_criticized/
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I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.

He said, “I cum in peas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai851u/i_found_an_alien_masturbating_in_my_freezer_last/
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Why didn't princess Diana carry any cash?

Who would like their purse to be full with pictures of their mother-in-law?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai832n/why_didnt_princess_diana_carry_any_cash/
%
I decided to go vegan after visiting the meat production factory.

The livestock conditions were appalling.
The process involving production of Meatballs and Salami was bad.
But wait till you see the one of German sausage. It was the wurst.
Edit : Sweden has already decided to bring in regulations. I'd say they are ahead of the korv.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai7yff/i_decided_to_go_vegan_after_visiting_the_meat/
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I was trying to eat a stale baguette

Safe to say, it was a pain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai7u1b/i_was_trying_to_eat_a_stale_baguette/
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Learn the use of comma, save a wedding.

Do your best man.
Do your best, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai7t2j/learn_the_use_of_comma_save_a_wedding/
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NEVER DATE A TENNIS PLAYER!!!!

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai7s7f/never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend?

They're both cauld ron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai7mo2/why_cant_harry_potter_tell_the_difference_between/
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What does a gay horse eat?

Haaaaaa-aaaaaay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai7led/what_does_a_gay_horse_eat/
%
A truck driver was driving down the road

He read a small sign nailed to a light pole that said “peaches that taste like everything and anything.”  Curious, the truck driver drove down the road that the sign was nailed to and came across and old man with a little setup in front of a farm.  The truck driver parked his truck and went over to the man and asked “so you really have peaches that taste like anything”  “well sure.” Replied the old man.  “Well do you have one that taste like watermelons and blueberries?”  The old man reached down and grabbed a peach and handed it to the truck driver.  When he took a bite, he was amazed when I tasted just like watermelon.  “Where is the blueberry taste?” Asked the truck driver.  “Well turn it around” replied the man.  When the truck driver took a bite it tasted exactly like blueberries.  “Wow that’s amazing” he said.  “Do you have one that tastes like steak and mashed potatoes?”  “I sure do!”  Said the old man and handed him a peach.  The truck driver took the peach and bit into one side which tasted like steak then took another bite and it tasted like mashed potatoes.  “Wow that sure is something!”  Said the truck driver.  The truck driver though for a moment and asked the old man “I bet you don’t have a peach that tasted like pussy!”  The old man grabbed a peach and gave it to the truck driver, who took a great big bite out of it.  He spit it out and said “Oh that tastes like shit!”  With a disgusted look on his face.  The old man grinned and said “turn it around”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai7k7d/a_truck_driver_was_driving_down_the_road/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Pole were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison.

However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."
The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.
The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.
The Pole says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.
Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners.
First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk.
Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather inebriated.
Then, they release the Pole, who comes out and says, "Has anyone got a light?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai7j96/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_a_pole_were/
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I don't get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.

There is a vas deferens between the two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai7h5r/i_dont_get_why_people_think_pee_is_stored_in_the/
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I bought some shoes from my dealer today.

I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai7fto/i_bought_some_shoes_from_my_dealer_today/
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My mom’s cousin just had quintuplets!

Looks like I’ll have five second-cousins. Too bad she’s an anti-vaxxer, they might turn out to be five-second cousins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai7bon/my_moms_cousin_just_had_quintuplets/
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My girlfriend and I play this game...

where I try to steal her underwear and take them home without her catching me. I'm definitely winning because I've never gotten caught. In her defense, though, I don't think she knows that we're playing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai78s0/my_girlfriend_and_i_play_this_game/
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What is a Hawaiian sex act, and coincidentally, my favorite dessert?

Coconut cream pie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai71v9/what_is_a_hawaiian_sex_act_and_coincidentally_my/
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What's the heaviest food?

Wonton noodles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai6xzl/whats_the_heaviest_food/
%
Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear programme and the suffering economy and growing antisemitism across Europe…" He points to the antisemitic rag. "Now I read this and I feel much better. Turns out there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai6xqb/two_israelis_are_sitting_on_the_beach_in_tel_aviv/
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I was thinking of you today. I even made a sculpture of you.....

Then I flushed the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai6wgt/i_was_thinking_of_you_today_i_even_made_a/
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What was Nietzsche's biggest problem?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai6vcx/what_was_nietzsches_biggest_problem/
%
Knock knock

Who’s there
Control freak..... Now you say control freak who

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai6pxs/knock_knock/
%
Buy the best running shoes you can afford.

You'll thank yourself in the long run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai6m49/buy_the_best_running_shoes_you_can_afford/
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Remember when Bugs Bunny shot someone because he wouldn't stop coughing?

He did not carrot all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai6kyf/remember_when_bugs_bunny_shot_someone_because_he/
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Hiw did you kill 50 people!!?

Officer: how did you run over 50 people?
The man: let me ask you this: if you were driving, and your car wouldn't stop, and there are two people on your left and 50 people on your right, which way would you turn?
Officer: obviously to the left.
The man: that's exactly what i did.
Officer: then how the HELL did you kill 50 people?
The man: well officer, i turned left and hit one of the the two people, and the other ran across the street, so i followed him.
*I heard it a while back, don't remember where*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai6juo/hiw_did_you_kill_50_people/
%
I just got a vasectomy

I feel like it's a big change, but I don't feel a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai6h75/i_just_got_a_vasectomy/
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What does Ford stand for?

Found On Road Dead
My step dad is a super Chevy guy and told me this when I was young, drop your best Chevy/Ford jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai6e8u/what_does_ford_stand_for/
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What's a good name for an insurance salesman?

Justin Case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai6dld/whats_a_good_name_for_an_insurance_salesman/
%
There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai6823/there_was_a_bulgarian_man_who_drove_trains_for_a/
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Why did the elephant go to jail?

He had a dead guy in his trunk.
*My daughter asked me to make up a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai6711/why_did_the_elephant_go_to_jail/
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A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out

and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him.  Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian.  Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.
“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.
“What did he say?” asked the man.
He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai65g0/a_jewish_father_was_very_troubled_by_the_way_his/
%
A duck walks into a bar . . .

. . and says "Do you have duck food here?"
The bartender says "No" and the duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have duck food?"
The bartender says "No."
The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have any duck food?" The bartender says "I already told you ‘No’ twice! If you come back and ask me again, I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!"
The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender says "No."
"Do you have any duck food?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai622n/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why are most Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 20% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai61cb/why_are_most_jewish_men_circumcised/
%
A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in.

The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously
masturbating nonstop. The intern asks the doctor giving the tour
why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.
The doctor says:"Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode."
"Oh, I see," says the intern, wincing.
They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying
on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse.
Again, he asks the doctor, "What is up with THAT??"
The doctor says: "Same condition, better medical plan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai5z44/a_new_intern_is_getting_a_tour_of_the_hospital_he/
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Don't ever allow someone to tell you what you can or cannot do

Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai5t4l/dont_ever_allow_someone_to_tell_you_what_you_can/
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A man walks into a restaurant in Spain

He sits down at his table and notices a man enjoying a interesting meal. He asks the server what is the man over at the other table eating? The server responds that he is eating Bulls Balls.  After a bull fight and the bull is killed you can order and eat his balls. There is a bull fight tonight and you can coming in for dinner tomorrow night and order the dish if you like. The man responds perfect see you tomorrow night. The next night the man again got sat at his table and awaited his dish. When it arrived he noticed that balls were very small and questioned the server why are the balls were so small? Last night they were nice and big? The server responds well sometimes the bull wins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai5s70/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_in_spain/
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A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"
But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.
"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.
Game warden: So where are the fish?
Fisherman: What fish?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai5oei/a_game_warden_catches_an_unlicensed_fisherman_in/
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If you think about it, Futurama was an extremely progressive show.

Truly ahead of its time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai5nuz/if_you_think_about_it_futurama_was_an_extremely/
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You probably know how most cheese is produced, and the steps taken to make the different varieties of cheese,

but did you know Edam is made backwards?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai5irn/you_probably_know_how_most_cheese_is_produced_and/
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I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai5i8l/i_wrote_the_names_of_everyone_ive_unfriended_onto/
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You guys know blue doesn’t exist in nature?

It’s just a pigment of your imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai5dk0/you_guys_know_blue_doesnt_exist_in_nature/
%
My new girlfriend has just told me that she loves anal.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai57e5/my_new_girlfriend_has_just_told_me_that_she_loves/
%
A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! This is amazing! Is there anything I can do to repay you for saving my life?”
“Yes, indeed,” they confirmed. “We are magical dolphins. We are also immortal, as long as we consume a rare breed of seagull chick once every 500 years. As it so happens, our time of need is near. We ask that you travel to the Island of Gulls and get a chick for each of us. There is but one tree on the island, and the nests are in that tree.”
The man followed the dolphins in his boat to the island, and he dropped anchor waded ashore. He could see the tree from the beach, and began his trek through the underbrush toward it. He froze in his tracks, however, when he saw the base of the tree was guarded by huge lions! Blessedly, they were fast asleep. Being a man of his word, the fisherman tiptoed bravely around the lions and climbed the tree. He snatched two of the odd, blue-colored chicks and stuffed one in each coat pocket. He then climbed down, crept back past the lions, fought his way back through the bushes, and was just within sight of his boat... when he was stopped by a policeman in full uniform.
“You’re under arrest, sir. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will-“
“Hold up, officer!” The man interjected, “What are the charges? What crime could I possibly have committed?”
“Sir,” the officer replied, reading his clipboard, “you are under arrest for transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai53lf/a_fisherman_took_his_boat_far_out_to_sea_he/
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A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.
"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars missing, boss wants to know where it is."
Deaf man signs over to the translator, "What? I have no idea what he's talking about."
Translator says to the boss, "Boss, he says he doesn't know what you're talking about".
Boss says to the translator "I'm gonna ask one more time. Where is the money?"
Translator says to the deaf accountant, "He's asking one more time, where's the money?"
Deaf man reiterates to the translator through sign, "Seriously, I don't know what he's talking about!"
Translator says to the Boss, "He says he seriously doesn't know what you're talking about."
The boss is now infuriated. He slams his fist down on the table, and points a gun to the accountants head. He tells the translator, "TELL THIS MOTHER FUCKER I WILL BLOW HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THIS DESK IF HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE MONEY IS RIGHT FUCKING NOW"
Translator signs to the accountant "Ok he's dead serious. You better tell him where the money is, or he's going to kill you right here."
Accountant signs to the translator, "OK! OK! I'll tell you! I hid it in a briefcase underneath my deck!"
Mafia Boss asks, "Well, what did he say?!"
Translator says, "He said go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai4vpv/a_deaf_accountant_works_for_the_mafia/
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Kermit the Frog decided to become a college professor.

His lectures are ribbiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai4uxj/kermit_the_frog_decided_to_become_a_college/
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The Chiefs’ defense isn’t doing well against the Patriots’ offense...

Reminds me of colonial times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai4tmu/the_chiefs_defense_isnt_doing_well_against_the/
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One day I was walking across a bridge when I saw a man about to jump off. I immediately shouted to him, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why not?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well... are you religious or not?"
"I am!"
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To this I replied, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai4qor/one_day_i_was_walking_across_a_bridge_when_i_saw/
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What do you call a wizard that likes to give hickeys?

A Necromancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai4q3h/what_do_you_call_a_wizard_that_likes_to_give/
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How is a congressman and a dog similar?

When you ask them to speak they will, but it doesn't mean anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai4q23/how_is_a_congressman_and_a_dog_similar/
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Every day after dessert, Marvin and Ethel meet in their spot at the back of the nursing home and they start to kiss.

Progressively, their kissing gets more and more intense. And since Marvin is a very desirable man among the other elderly ladies, Ethel has to make their sessions interesting so he doesn’t leave her. So, every day Ethel will slide her hand down Marvin’s torso and grab his penis and she will leave her hand there until they’re done.
Well, one day after jello, Ethel went to their meeting spot and Marvin wasn’t there. Ethel being confused starts to wander the halls looking for Marvin.
She turns a corner and down at the end of the hall, there is Marvin making out with Greta. And Ethel looks down and sure-enough, there is Greta’s hand grasping Marvin’s penis.
Furiously, Ethel stomps up to the pair. She tears Marvin and Greta apart and looks at Marvin. Upset, Ethel asks, “Marvin, how could you do this?”
Marvin responds, “I’m sorry baby, but you know how nursing homes are.”
Ethel questions, “What could Greta possibly have, that I don’t?”
Marvin looks down at Greta’s hand and says, “Parkinson’s”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai4orj/every_day_after_dessert_marvin_and_ethel_meet_in/
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Son walks into the living room and says to his Dad

"Dad I think im going crazy, every time I walk past the fridge I can hear the Bee Gees"...
"Oh thats nothing" replies the Dad, "its just the chives talking".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai4lky/son_walks_into_the_living_room_and_says_to_his_dad/
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A baby grabs his mom's phone and types "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

The mom reads it and says, "For crying out loud, use your voice"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai4i2z/a_baby_grabs_his_moms_phone_and_types/
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What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai46fp/whats_the_difference_between_a_literalist_and_a/
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2 nazis walk into a BAR

They died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai44wt/2_nazis_walk_into_a_bar/
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My plan was to skip shoveling and just let the snow melt.

It wasnt well thawed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai41b2/my_plan_was_to_skip_shoveling_and_just_let_the/
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Physics Teacher's Story

Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity went to college and got a science degree with which he's earning a six figure salary.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents in their basement.
Speed lacks Direction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai40tj/physics_teachers_story/
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I was getting really bored of my normal day to day life...

So I developed Parkinson’s to shake things up a bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai3zn1/i_was_getting_really_bored_of_my_normal_day_to/
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The history of MANKIND is just as mysterious as the word itself.

MANKIND  is made up of two words, MANK and IND. What do these two words mean? We will never know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai3z7w/the_history_of_mankind_is_just_as_mysterious_as/
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What do you call a woman of the cloth up in heaven

Nun of the above

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai3vii/what_do_you_call_a_woman_of_the_cloth_up_in_heaven/
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How can you tell if you have a high sperm count ?

If she has to chew before swallowing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai3v57/how_can_you_tell_if_you_have_a_high_sperm_count/
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Whats the difference between Martin Luther King Jr day and St. Patrick's day?

On St. Patrick's day, everybody wants to be Irish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai3udz/whats_the_difference_between_martin_luther_king/
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Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai3qu2/why_were_the_middle_ages_called_the_dark_ages/
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I get hit by the same bike every morning on my way to work.

It's a vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai3lse/i_get_hit_by_the_same_bike_every_morning_on_my/
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What’s the difference between a good meal and a good time?

Where you put the cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai3ibh/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_meal_and_a/
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Musicians really need to do something about that E minor

It always gives me the E B G Bs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai3fwx/musicians_really_need_to_do_something_about_that/
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Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool

Wooden tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai3em4/carving_a_boob_from_a_tree_would_be_pretty_cool/
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I learned about shark mating

Disappointed they don't have Megalo-dongs :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai3ana/i_learned_about_shark_mating/
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What does a songwriter do in his grave?

He decomposes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai3agr/what_does_a_songwriter_do_in_his_grave/
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TIL in France it's rare for people to have more than one egg for breakfast

It turns out that in France one egg is un oeuf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai37xp/til_in_france_its_rare_for_people_to_have_more/
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She asked me treat her like a princess...

I unclipped her seat belt and crashed in to a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai36vl/she_asked_me_treat_her_like_a_princess/
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Whats the difference between a chicken and a turkey

a chicken is a common farm animal
and a turkey commits genocide against armenians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai35eg/whats_the_difference_between_a_chicken_and_a/
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At a gender reveal party, a box is lifted to reveal a glass of water.

The crowd goes wild and break
into a thunderous applause.
The gender is fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai34qi/at_a_gender_reveal_party_a_box_is_lifted_to/
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Is anyone else seeing a stranger in their mirror

Or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai31xl/is_anyone_else_seeing_a_stranger_in_their_mirror/
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What do you call a bunch of dead cats on the side of the road?

Litter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai2tbp/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_dead_cats_on_the_side/
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A man walks into a fish and chip shop...

"Nice plaice"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai2t66/a_man_walks_into_a_fish_and_chip_shop/
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How to avoid tickets

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai2t07/how_to_avoid_tickets/
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If you ever find yourself being chased by a pack of Taxidermists

Never play dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai2pqs/if_you_ever_find_yourself_being_chased_by_a_pack/
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What’s a zombie’s favorite fruit?

The Adam’s apple!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai2nq9/whats_a_zombies_favorite_fruit/
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We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall

Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai2no3/we_should_use_hillary_clintons_emails_to_build_a/
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Just saw the movie glass.

Over 2 hours long.
I was shattered at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai2ipl/just_saw_the_movie_glass/
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A blonde goes to a doctor

She says “Doctor, my body hurts wherever I touch it!” The Doctor says “show me”. The blonde proceeds to tap her face, elbow, thigh and knee, wincing in pain after each one. “See, it’s true!” She says. The doctor pauses for a second, sighs and says
“You have a broken finger”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai2iag/a_blonde_goes_to_a_doctor/
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Dr. Doolittle learned to talk the language of thousands of animals.

But not the language of ducks..
They were just too Fowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai2i6w/dr_doolittle_learned_to_talk_the_language_of/
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An american has a heart attack while on vacation in Australia...

After he comes to in the hospital, the nurse walks in and the man, still confused, asks:
“Did you bring me here to die?”
The nurse replies:
“Nah Mate, they brought you in yesterday”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai2fv3/an_american_has_a_heart_attack_while_on_vacation/
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“Dad, Is the Fibonacci sequence difficult to understand?”

“Nope. Easy as 1,1,2,3...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai2fs8/dad_is_the_fibonacci_sequence_difficult_to/
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The world was calmly doing their business when a new toy was released.

It was a battery-powered robot named Mister Edward that took the world by storm. Mister Edward toys were even connected to the internet. Eventually a virus started to spread which caused all the Mister Edward toys to attempt to destroy all of humanity. They eventually started succeeding, and the population slowly dropped and dropped.
Three years later, a small group of survivors sat in their camp in the dead of night. Two guys were on lookout when they heard something scuttering in the bushes. The first one whispered, "What is it?" The second said, "I'm not sure." The first one replied, "I guess it's a Mr. E."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai28ow/the_world_was_calmly_doing_their_business_when_a/
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Why wouldn’t R. Kelly make a good blackjack dealer?

He hits on 17

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai266l/why_wouldnt_r_kelly_make_a_good_blackjack_dealer/
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A female janitor working at my office asked me if I wanted to chill after work and smoke some weed with her

I said no, I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai25sy/a_female_janitor_working_at_my_office_asked_me_if/
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Snow job

So an Eskimo ( Inuit if you live in Can ) took his broken snowmobile into the garage for some repairs.   The mechanic  checked it out then looked up at the fellow and said.  "I think you blew a seal."   The Eskimo quickly wiped his face.  " No, no that's just frost!" he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai1ukm/snow_job/
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A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
*Doctor*: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are      both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
*Woman*: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot!
What did he name the girl?
*Doctor*: Denise.
*Woman*: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
*Doctor*: Denephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai1e2x/a_woman_who_is_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a/
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Why is chess confusing in Australia?

"Check, mate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai1bkn/why_is_chess_confusing_in_australia/
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Rick Astley is a nice guy

he will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you "Up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai1bjc/rick_astley_is_a_nice_guy/
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So this golfer goes to confession and tells the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest says, "Tell me your transgressions, my son."
"Well," the guy says, "I was on the 5th hole last week and I hate to say it but I cursed."
"What happened, my son?" the priest asks.
"So I teed it up and I hit the ball about 40 yards past the hole..."
"And you swore then, my son?" asks the priest.
"No. Ya see, after the ball stopped rolling, a groundhog grabbed it in its mouth and started running away from the hole."
"And is *that* when you swore, my son?" asks the priest.
"No. Because believe it or not, then a bald eagle swooped down out of the sky, grabbed the groundhog, flew up in the air... and by God, the ball dropped out of the groundhog's mouth and landed two feet from the hole."
"Wait," says the priest, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai1amw/so_this_golfer_goes_to_confession_and_tells_the/
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I ran into a celebrity while walking down Hollywood Boulevard. He had a mullet, tons of jewelry, and was yelling, “I piy the fool!”

I said, “Hey, you missed a t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai19m8/i_ran_into_a_celebrity_while_walking_down/
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Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai14xl/breast_feeding/
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3 old ladies are in a park

Three elderly grey ladies are sitting on a bench feeding birds in the park. Suddenly, a man runs in front of them and whips open his trench coat, to reveal he's wearing nothing underneath!
Astonished at the exposure the first Lady has a stroke. The second Lady has a stroke.
And
Sadly
the third old lady couldn't quite reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai11m2/3_old_ladies_are_in_a_park/
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Could you make a horse cry??

Crying Horse
Man walks into a bar and sits down. Next to him there is a jar full of money with a note, " Make the horse laugh and you get all of the money in the jar." So the man heads for the horse in the back room of the bar. The man whispers in the horses ear, and the horse laughs hysterically.
The Next night the same man comes back. The Same horse is standing in the room at the back of the bar. Same jar is still there, full a cash, except there is a new note, "Make the horse cry and win all the cash in the jar."  Again, the man walks up the horse and then closes the door.
After about 5 seconds he comes out of the back room and the horse crying and sobbing. He takes the money.  Having curiosity get the better of him the bartender asks,  "How the fuck did you make the horse laugh?   " The Guy says, "Told em' my dick was bigger then his." Bartender says, "Oh well that is pretty funny. Well them how did you make em cry? I gotta know! " The Guy says, " I showed em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai10u2/could_you_make_a_horse_cry/
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What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E
* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai0xmu/whats_a_good_name_for_a_detective/
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My wife drives like lightning!

Ted: She drives fast?
Bob: No, she hits trees!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai0qdo/my_wife_drives_like_lightning/
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Tom Brady dies and goes to heaven

Tom Brady, after living a full life, passed away. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a nice little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window.
"This house is yours for eternity Tom,” said God. "This is very special, as not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.
On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge three story mansion with Red and Gold sidewalks and drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Chiefs flag waving, a swimming pool in the shape of an arrowhead, a KC logo in every window, and a #15 Patrick Mahomes jersey on the front door.
Tom looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 5 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."
God replied, "So what's your point Tom?"
“Well, why does Patrick Mahomes get a better house than me?" Tom asked.
God chuckled and said, "Tom, that's not Patrick’s house. It's mine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai0lyc/tom_brady_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Why do sharks swim in saltwater?

Because pepperwater makes them sneeze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai0ltj/why_do_sharks_swim_in_saltwater/
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Little Johnny was a fucking idiot...

and his teacher kept saying "You're going to be the death of me." because of how bad he was at all his subjects.
One day, the school had enough and decided to expel little Johnny, and in the meeting with his parents, the principal said "Ma'am, your son cannot stay in this school, he can't read, write, add, subtract and he's in high school!", and his mother replied "My son will become something great, yet you refuse to believe in him and help him! You'll see, you'll see."
Many years later, that same teacher was admitted into a hospital due to a rare and potentially fatal heart condition. There is only one doctor in her country that can perform a lifesaving surgery, and he arrives there as soon as possible.
The surgery is a success and the teacher lives on for another day thanks to the incredible work of the doctor. However a few hours later, she is found dead in her hospital bed with all medical equipment turned off. An investigation is launched, with the police suspecting malice, but security cameras showed the janitor cleaning the room, and tripping on a cable, cutting the power to the life support.
And the janitor? Little Fucking Johnny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai0ewi/little_johnny_was_a_fucking_idiot/
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A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford a new mansion this month."
They curiously look at the jazz musician, who says,
- "Oh! Well... I... recently bought a new sweatshirt..."
- "And the rest of the money?"
- "My mum gave me the rest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai0dwm/a_rock_musician_a_classical_musician_and_a_jazz/
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What's more Irish than living off of potatoes?

Dying from no potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai0913/whats_more_irish_than_living_off_of_potatoes/
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Teams are interested in Kareem Hunt

I didn't know kickers where in such high demand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai08k7/teams_are_interested_in_kareem_hunt/
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I just googled "Superman football stats," and it didn't have his FA cup stats...

...just his league

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ai0034/i_just_googled_superman_football_stats_and_it/
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I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahztvh/i_was_passing_by_my_sons_bedroom_and_was/
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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead go hunting...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead go hunting.
The redhead goes into the woods and comes back a while later with a rabbit. “Wow, how’d you find it?” The others exclaim.
“Simple,” she says, “I see tracks, I follow tracks. I see the rabbit, I shoot the rabbit.”
So the brunette goes into the forest for a while, and comes out with a huge buck.
“Wow, how did you find it?”
“I see tracks, I follow tracks. I see the deer, I shoot the deer.”
Now it’s the blondes turn. She goes into the woods for a very long time, but eventually comes out, beaten and bruised, with no prize.
“What happened?!” They ask
“I see tracks, I follow tracks. I see the train, I shoot the train. The train didn’t stop.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahzsty/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_go_hunting/
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We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahzspw/we_have_a_friend_who_likes_to_have_sex_with/
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahzsc7/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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"You'll see... YOU'LL ALL SEE!"

-My Optometrist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahzmeo/youll_see_youll_all_see/
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My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahzix9/my_dad_gave_me_money_to_pay_the_electricity_bill/
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Piers Morgan says women send him their knickers in the post.

Presumably with the message ‘From one twat to another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahzipe/piers_morgan_says_women_send_him_their_knickers/
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God and Tom Brady

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a nice little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom”, said God. "This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a HUGE 3 story mansion with Black and Gold sidewalks and drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous New Orleans Saints flag waving, a swimming pool in the shape of an fleur de lis and Fleur de lis’ in every window, and a #9 Drew Brees jersey on the front door.
Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 5 Super Bowls, and even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said "So what's your point Tom?"
“Well, why does Drew Brees get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Drew’s house, it's mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahzfj5/god_and_tom_brady/
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A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...

...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahz3fy/a_british_doctor_says_in_britain_medicine_is_so/
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The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahz0bg/the_worlds_leading_expert_on_european_wasps_walks/
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OC (I wrote this) So there's an old man in a nursing home struggling to put on his shoes..

Hey I wrote a joke today I thought you might enjoy:
So there's an old man in the Nursing home named Henderson, he was getting on in his years and required a nurse to help him with his day to day as we all will hopefully. But today he had a brand new nurse. She helped him with all of the normal things and it went well, but when she was trying to help him put on his shoes he started crying!
Clearly worried she asks him,
"Mr. Henderson is everything okay, am I hurting you?"
"No..No", he says in his dry old voice cracking with tears,
"Its just.. Before my wife passed, every time she put on my shoes she would kiss me on my knees! I know it sounds silly but Ooohhh I just miss her so!"
Seeing the poor man weep she decided to cheer him and said,
"That is so sweet, I'd be happy to help you remember your wife!"
Kissing him on his knees.
As she does he says "WHHOOOPPEEE!!!"
Thinking he was just happy she ignored it and went on to her next patient.
Days went by of this ritual, She'd put on his shoes, kiss his knees and he'd cheer WHOOOPPEE!!!
Two weeks later, Mr Henderson's old nurse happens to be walking past when suddenly she hears a "WHOOOPEEE!!"
She busts into the room yelling.
"Damn it Mr. Henderson if you try to trick one more nurse in to kissing your balls I'm kicking you right out of this place!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahz02p/oc_i_wrote_this_so_theres_an_old_man_in_a_nursing/
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A guy gets a call from his wife’s doctor

The doctor tells the guy that his wife’s test results are in but they are bad and somewhat inconclusive. The man asks what the doctor means by that and doc tells him that his wife either has full blown aids or is in the early yet severe stages of Alzheimer’s. The guy is in total shock at this point as he has no idea where to go from there so he blatantly asks the doc “what should I do?” The doc replies “drive her about a mile or 2 away from home and drop her off, if she makes it back, don’t fuck her!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahywse/a_guy_gets_a_call_from_his_wifes_doctor/
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Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi...

heading for Midway airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking drive said "Are you OK?, I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, Its entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahywk0/last_wednesday_a_passenger_in_a_taxi/
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Two male deer walk out of a gay bar...

One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahyh82/two_male_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.
(I'll see myself out.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahyh0f/what_lies_at_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_and_twitches/
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A man walks into a bar with a piece of pavement

“I’ll have two beers. One for me, and one for the road.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahygp0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_piece_of_pavement/
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Through the night a few soldiers from Australia had arrived to help the English during the war...

The next day the colonel screams at them:" You maggots! You worthless pieces of shit! Have you come here to die?!"
One voice from the back answers:"Nah mate, we came here yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahyg5n/through_the_night_a_few_soldiers_from_australia/
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How do spiders diagnose health issues?

they use WebMD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahyfta/how_do_spiders_diagnose_health_issues/
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Napoleon was the best general the french ever had.

He managed to surrender twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahydzn/napoleon_was_the_best_general_the_french_ever_had/
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What do you call a female rapper?

38 Cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahybtn/what_do_you_call_a_female_rapper/
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I think the Chinese employer liked jewellery...

He asked me what I could bling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahy9cs/i_think_the_chinese_employer_liked_jewellery/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

By walking.
J.K. Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahy8zq/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
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How to know the time

Dude 1: Yo what's the time.
Dude 2: Dunno pass me that trombone and I'll find out.
Dude 2: (plays trombone loudly)
3 Neighbours Simultaneously: HEY WHO'S PLAYIN' THAT TROMBONE AT 2AM!?!?!?
Dude 1: Broooooo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahy6jo/how_to_know_the_time/
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So a man picks up a hitchhiker on the road....

The hitchhiker asks: “Why aren’t you nervous about picking me up? I could be a serial killer!”
The driver laughs and says: “Wow. What would be the chance of there being 2 of us in the car!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahy3ez/so_a_man_picks_up_a_hitchhiker_on_the_road/
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How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

You mean you don't know!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahxv9j/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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I don't know why anyone would like to be a telemarketer.

If I wanted to be told to fuck off for hours on end, I'd attend a nightclub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahxtb5/i_dont_know_why_anyone_would_like_to_be_a/
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A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.

The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it.
The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke.
That night the inmates are calling out numbers again followed by great bouts of laughter. Wanting to fit in the man calls out '22'. Everything goes quiet and the man doesn't understand why.
The next day he asks his new friend what went wrong, "was 22 not a funny joke?"
"22 is one of the best jokes" came the reply.
"Why did no one laugh then?" Said the man
"It was the way you told it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahxs84/a_man_spending_his_first_night_in_prison_hears/
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At one of USSR’s bread lines during 1985…

A man in the crowd mumbling to himself “No bread, no milk, no meat… what a shame” two policemen hearing of his mumbling and walk up to him, and says
“Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you’d have been shot, so shut up and stand in line like everybody else.”
As the policemen leave, the man turns to the crowd and says
“Not only are we out of bread or milk, i was just told we rant out of bullets too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahxkhl/at_one_of_ussrs_bread_lines_during_1985/
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A man sits at a bar and produces a small piano along with a 12 inch pianist.

Barman asks how did he come to have such a small pianist in his care?
With an annoyed look the man says "I met a Genie who had a hearing problem".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahxj4n/a_man_sits_at_a_bar_and_produces_a_small_piano/
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Cop: Who's car is this? Where are you heading? What do you do?

Miner: Mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahxfuv/cop_whos_car_is_this_where_are_you_heading_what/
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Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!
After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint and the crew of the Obsidian Pearl successfully kill every last member of the Filthy Five Hundred. However, only Captain Flint survives... His entire crew, wiped out from Canon fire and brutal melee battle. His ship... A sunken wreck.
With his last few coins, The Captain charters a local fishing boat to take him (and 500 heads) back to the Bahamas and collect his reward.
During the voyage back, they run into a storm of the likes never been seen before by the Captain.
Deep in the torrential seas, a bolt of lightning explodes into the hull. Quickly the Captain gathers his haul of heads into a large fishing net and ties the end. The captain holds onto them for dear life as another lightning bolt strikes the boat.
The captain wakes up, floating on top of his giant haul of heads, bobbing up and down on the now calm ocean.
Having lost everything he owns, The Captain knows that if he doesn't bring these heads back he might as well die out here. He starts to paddle, using the massive head sack as a float.
Kicking his legs, he goes west, heading away from the sunrise.
Four days he paddles, pushing the giant haul towards the coast line. Just as he feels about ready to drop dead, he floats into the harbour of his home town.
Dripping wet and plagued with fatigue, The Captain drags the 500 heads straight to the Governor, eager to collect on the bounty.
The Governor is very pleased! He immediately hands over One Pirate to Captain Flint.
Confused, the Captain says, "Aye... and the $1000?"
The Governor looks at him confused, then says, "one Buccaneer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahxb99/captain_flint_and_his_crew_of_cutlass_wielding/
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My grandfather was a very talented blacksmith

He could do all swords of things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahxb5v/my_grandfather_was_a_very_talented_blacksmith/
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How do you know a swimming pool is safe for diving

It deep ends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahx7oh/how_do_you_know_a_swimming_pool_is_safe_for_diving/
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On first night of their marriage husband & wife claim Virginity.

Wife: “If This Is Your First Time How Did You Fuck So Well”.
Husband: “If This Is Your First Time How Do You Know I Fucked So Well“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahx65g/on_first_night_of_their_marriage_husband_wife/
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As an amputee, I asked the doctor how much prosthetic limbs would cost.

He said an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahx5pp/as_an_amputee_i_asked_the_doctor_how_much/
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What's the worst part about a self-deprecating joke?

I'm too stupid to make one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahx5p9/whats_the_worst_part_about_a_selfdeprecating_joke/
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A guy walked into a bar with a small alligator...

...and walked up to the bartender to ask for a drink.
The bartender notices him walking towards him and says, "Whoawhoawhoa, is that a crocodile?"
To which the guy responded, "Well, its an alligator, but yeah."
"That thing cannot be in here."
"Why not?"
"Well, its an alligator. It can hurt someone."
"Whaaat? This little guy? C'mon, he is harmless. Just look."
The guy proceeded to pull down his pants and whip his dick out. He opened the alligator's mouth to where it stayed fixed in that position. He then stuck his wiener into the alligator's mouth for about a minute. All the other customers did was stare at this total mad lad.
After the minute passed, the guy pulled out and pulled his pants up, then closed the alligator's mouth.
"See?" he said, "Nothing to fear here."
He holds the alligator in front of him and says, "Anyone wanna try?"
After a few seconds some dude stands up from a table and says, "I would, but I dont think my mouth would last that long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahx1ec/a_guy_walked_into_a_bar_with_a_small_alligator/
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One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he found a nice spot for it inside.
Now, because the captain was not a very smart man, he always had a group of archers around him, covered head to toe in blue; blue garments, blue boots, a blue bow. Some of these archers, along with a couple of crew member, began to admire the stake, thanking the captain for the joy he had brought them. It wasn’t long, however, before the rest of submarine crew members found it and absolutely despised it!
The week after, the captain relayed this entire story to a guy he’d met in a bar, who was named James.
“Well, what happened next?” James asked, as he was completely hooked on the story.
The captain had a swig of ale, before grinning and replying, “When the crew found out the post was stolen and low effort, they bombarded it with blue arrows until it was removed from the sub!” After that, the captain began to extend his arms and legs in a practiced manner.
Once the captain saw James’ perplexed look, he sighed and said, “I know, I’m really stretching with that one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahx11g/one_day_an_old_man_was_hammering_a_large_wooden/
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Love your neighbor as you love yourself is an important lesson.

It's how I learned to give a hand-job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahwyqg/love_your_neighbor_as_you_love_yourself_is_an/
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a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was..

Pun in, 10 dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahwrmo/a_pun_walked_in_killed_10_people_the_news_paper/
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Lost In Translation

Jannik had just arrived to america and could only speaker German, but he was staying with a friend who was teaching him English. After a few days his friend feels he has learned enough and sends Jannik on some errands to test out his English. First Jannik goes to the bakery down the street and orders a "Bum". The baker says "Do you mean a bun?" Jannik says "sure" and heads to his next stop, the hardware store. He walks inside and asked for a "Fuck it". The employee informs Jannik he cannot talk like that at the hardware store and Jannik explains "My friend need fuck it for water". So the employee grabs a bucket and Jannik makes his way to his last stop, the doggy day care. He tells the lady at the desk he's here to get his cock and spank it. The lady gets very offended and is telling him to leave when he tells her he just needs his friends dog "Spot". Now she realizes Jannik meant a cocker spaniel and gives Jannik the dog. Feeling confidant that he got all his errands done Jannik walks across the street to get some ice cream when Spots collar breaks loose and he starts running away. Jannik panics, quickly turns to the man next to him and says, "Quick! Hold my bum and fuck it while I grab my cock and spank it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahwqdm/lost_in_translation/
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An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The rancher replies, 'Okay, but don't go into the field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahwo3v/an_fbi_agent_tells_a_montana_rancher_i_need_to/
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Soviet Russia used to have a leader who was also a singer in a rock band.

He's none other than John Lenin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahwlsu/soviet_russia_used_to_have_a_leader_who_was_also/
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Why where so many women in love with Victor Frankenstein...

Because he was a bodybuilder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahwjwp/why_where_so_many_women_in_love_with_victor/
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Yellow 24

A man goes to the doctor feeling ill. After checking the man over the doctor looks worried ‘ I don’t know how to break this to you, but you have a terminal disease known as yellow 24. Your blood will turn yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. I suggest you go and spend time with your loved ones.
Distraught, the man calls his wife and explains the news, telling his wife that he wishes to do anything with her. His wife replies ‘ tonight’s my bingo night, it would be nice to spend my night with you doing what I do for fun.
They arrive at the bingo hall, the man wins the first card getting 4 numbers, gets a line, a full house then wins the national prize.
The bingo caller welcomes him onto the stage ‘son, I’ve worked here for 43 years and I have never seen someone win as much money in one night as you have done. You must be the luckiest man in the world’
‘Lucky!?’ the man screams ‘ If you must know I have Yellow 24’
‘Fuck me’ says the bingo caller ‘you’ve won the raffle as well ‘

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahwjs6/yellow_24/
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My friend said, “You have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahwh48/my_friend_said_you_have_a_ba_masters_and_a_phd/
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What's really good on pie and really awful on people?

Crust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahwe2v/whats_really_good_on_pie_and_really_awful_on/
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My wife thought it would be kinky if she put a whole sheet of glass in my butt.

I told her, "No way, that would be a massive pane in the ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahwcqt/my_wife_thought_it_would_be_kinky_if_she_put_a/
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A young Asian boy comes home with his homework

He puts the paper in front of his father saying “Daddy! Look! I did so well I got a seahorse sticker!
The father replies “C-HORSE? WHY NOT A-HORSE”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahwcjz/a_young_asian_boy_comes_home_with_his_homework/
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Gordon Ramsey: excuse me waiter, are these icecubes fresh?

Waiter: uhm no, they’re frozen
Gordon: FUCKIN HELL!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahwagt/gordon_ramsey_excuse_me_waiter_are_these_icecubes/
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A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’."
The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.
There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.”
Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM.
Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahw7ie/a_man_walks_into_a_resort_and_the_first_sign_he/
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It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania...

..and clicked 'add to cart'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahw730/its_trumps_wedding_anniversary_in_a_few_days_and/
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So this guy walks into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender. As he is ordering his drink, he sees a jar full of money in the counter.
He then asks the bartender what tha jar is all about, to which he replies with, "Oh, the jar is part of a challenge I decided to set up for the patrons of the bar. Winner takes all"
The guy then replies, "Alrigh, Ill bite. What are the challenges?"
"Hold on, buck-o. You gotta put money in the jar first."
He then puts a twenty in the jar.
The bartender leans in and tells him, "Alright, heres the deal. This is a three-part challenge. For the first part of the challenge, you have to down an entire bottle of peppered tequila as fast as you can."
"For the second one, you have to go out back where we have a rabid pitbull with a sore tooth. Your job is to remove his tooth with your bare hands."
"As for the third part, you will have to go to the second floor of this establishment and enter the room on the left. There, you will find a 73 year old woman who has never had an orgasm in her life. Im sure you know what Im going to tell you what your job is."
After hearing this, the guy replies with, "Shit, man, that sounds tough."
The bartender replies with, "Sorry bud, you already paid."
"Alright, I am in. Just give me some time to get plastered."
The guy downed about 15 shots before he said to the bartender, "Alright, bub, hand over the tequila."
Once in his hands, he proceeded to chug the entire thing. Dude didnt make a face afterwards.
"Wheres that damn dog?", said the guy.
The bartender pointed to the door all the way to the back of the building, to which the guy stumbled his way towards it.
Once there, he went through the door and closed it behind him.
Couple of seconds later, everyone at the bar could hear both the guy and the dog tussling in the back, causing a lot of noise. You could hear the dog, yelping for help and the guy grunting loudly.
About twenty minutes later, there was a final loud yelp, which people didnt know if it came from the dog or the guy), and everything went silent.
Everyone thought that the guy had been mauled to death, and silence plagued the bar, until, finally, the guy emerged from the door, his clothes ripped to shreds.
Gasping, he then said, "Now, tell me where I can find the lady with the sore tooth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahw3de/so_this_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus?

Because you should never drink and derive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahw2vs/why_should_you_not_mix_alcohol_and_calculus/
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What is the difference between a piece of fabric with elastic around the edges, designed to go on a bed, and an unexpected bout of diarrhea when wearing sandals?

One is a fitted sheet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahw2by/what_is_the_difference_between_a_piece_of_fabric/
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My little brother has just been talked into smoking by the French exchange student at our house.

Talk about Pierre-pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahw1h8/my_little_brother_has_just_been_talked_into/
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I was devastated to find my first love —in bed with my dad.

“We’ve been through this many times”, said Mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahvzuh/i_was_devastated_to_find_my_first_love_in_bed/
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Brian wanted to be a miner ever since he was little

So one day when he hit that magical age of 21 he packed up all of his things and left his parents house. Too the grievance of his mother he moved a few states over. To a little mining village that like in the old days completely depended on their local gold mine. For some reason unlike all the other mining towns this one had survived the goldrush.
On his first day there he went into the saloon - yes it was a real old mining town with an old fashioned saloon. He took his place at the bar and ordered a beer. His first legal alcoholic beverage. The bartender pours him a nice stout draft and slides it over the bar and it stops perfectly in front of him. To show all the other miners he's a tough cookie he downs the beer in one gulp.
“Ahhh. That does hit the spot. What do I get you for this nice ale”
“Nothing my friend.” The bartender responds
“I just ask you to send kindness my way whenever you have some to spare”
Brian thinking that this is a great way to begin his time here and leaves for his hotel. There he talks to the proprietor to arrange his long term stay. But the proprietor as well as the bartender wanted none of his money.
“No lad. I give it out of the kindness of my heart and hope that it eventually be returned”.
With a big grin he walks of towards the mine. Ready to start his first work day. The overseer explains to him that like all the first timers he will start by replacing the vertical support beams.
Brian loads up his wagon with beams and sets off to start replacing. The overseer tells him all beams need to be replaced from the opening of the mine to the end of the mine. Brian stops at the first beam and notices that this beam is almost brand new. But not knowing anything of mining he thinks nothing of it and proceeds to replace the beam with some slight difficulty.
So this goes on for a whole week. He gets better and better at fitting the new beams. Drinks and eats to his fill. Tries to persuade the bartender as well as the proprietor to take his money to no avail.
At the end of the week he guesses he almost refitted a 10th of the whole mine. He goes over to the overseer for his pay.
“Lad you have done a fine job for a first timer. Here I have a fat envelop for you. I thank you a many”
Brian takes his envelope with a big grin and asks when he will get to the actual mining.
“Just keep refitting those beams for now”
Slightly disgruntled Brian opens his envelop. To his further annoyance his envelope contains a bunch of ‘thank you cards’. No money.
“What the hell is this! Where is my pay!” Brian exclaims.
The overseer sighs and takes Brian aside.
“I know you're new here. So let me explain it to you. Keep at reposting, collect your karma and you will mine gold eventually”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahvyxp/brian_wanted_to_be_a_miner_ever_since_he_was/
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What is the best thing about Alzheimers?

Meeting new people every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahvybj/what_is_the_best_thing_about_alzheimers/
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Men will be men

While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my two wheeler and  landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked  "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up.
She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place that is only few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine to confirm that you are not hurt.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come on, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examining me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her,  "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right?"
"Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahvwm9/men_will_be_men/
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I think a deaf person has a crush on me

She's giving all the right signs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahvtc2/i_think_a_deaf_person_has_a_crush_on_me/
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What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahvsmb/what_do_you_do_if_you_come_across_a_tiger_in_the/
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What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahvqmw/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
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My chemistry teacher asked me a question in class.

She told to me to rank all the bonds.
So I did.
1) Connery
2) Craig
3) Brosnan
4) Dalton
5) Lazenby
She sent me outside the class. I still wonder if there were any Moore?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahvp70/my_chemistry_teacher_asked_me_a_question_in_class/
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Moses was centuries ahead of his time

He was the first to realise you need a tablet to connect to the cloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahvl3o/moses_was_centuries_ahead_of_his_time/
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What do you call a Mexican that doesn’t know how to use a lawn mower?

Unemployed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahvht4/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_that_doesnt_know_how/
%
How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahvav3/how_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
%
I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahv98k/ive_been_training_for_months_to_achieve_the_world/
%
If it's a penny for your thoughts

then I guess this one won't make any cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahv6ey/if_its_a_penny_for_your_thoughts/
%
A college teacher reminds her class on the next day's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahv62t/a_college_teacher_reminds_her_class_on_the_next/
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I've been dropping a lot of things lately...

It's really getting out of hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahv4w4/ive_been_dropping_a_lot_of_things_lately/
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A young boy with 3 testicles notice that all his friend only got 2 testicles...

So he quickly got back home and talk to his elder brother about this.
“I got a secret to tell you.” said the younger brother.
“What?” the older brother asks.
“If we add up our balls, we will have 5 balls.” says the young boy.
His brother then freak out and says: “What?! You only had 1 ball?!”
P/s: Not sure if this or similar joke was posted here before, but I got this joke from another language and translated it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahv3d4/a_young_boy_with_3_testicles_notice_that_all_his/
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People told Beethoven he cannot be a musician because he was deaf

But he didn't listen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahv0jd/people_told_beethoven_he_cannot_be_a_musician/
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Batman and Robin are at a restaurant

ordering some food. Robin, being the glutton he was, started with some caviar and ordered a Hereford beef sirloin steak. Batman wasn't feeling well, so he only wanted a glass of water without ice.
After a few minutes in silence, Robin wanted to break the tension.
"Hey, are you feeling alright Batty?"
Batman sighed heavily. "I don't know, man. I guess I just don't understand why we have to go out every day to stop crime while the police sit back and take all the credit for it. If we just left, the corruption would leave town eventually. Maybe we could make the city safer by letting the evil take it over."
"That's crazy thinking!" yelled Robin, although on the inside, he felt the same way. "The police are part of the corruption here. We have to protect the citizens from their defenders."
Batman took a second to think as the waitress arrived, speaking again once she left earshot.
"Maybe you're right. The corruption in this city starts at its core and the citizens can not protect themselves from it. Me and you have to get back out there and--".
Suddenly Batman tensed up. Robin eyed him, cautiously. He knows how his multiple personalities can get. For years, Batman believed he was multiple people. First he was Lewis Wilson. That's who he really was inside. At least, that's who he was before his other voices took over. Soon after, he was claiming Val Kilmer and even George Clooney! Batman had truly gone insane, but Robin stood by his side, knowing that his friend was still inside there somewhere. Ever since Christian Bale joined the group, Batman has been calling himself "the Dark Knight", and speaking in a dark, raspy voice. When his DID triggers, he becomes completely engulfed by Christian Bale.
This has happened many times before and Robin already knew what was bothering him. "Hey buddy, it's okay, we'll find Rachael eventually."
"No, that's not it," Batman said.
Robin was shocked. He was speaking in his normal voice! Something else was bothering him, and it was clearly very serious.
"What happened? Did the Joker escape? Did we forget about a bad guy? Did the courts let a criminal escape again?" Robin was frantically looking for an answer.
"No Robin, don't worry," Batman said, holding up his glass.
"Just ice was served."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahux8r/batman_and_robin_are_at_a_restaurant/
%
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.
He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.
The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?"
"Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! "
"Are you religious? the doctor asks.
"Not at all," says the patient.
"Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can."
The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!"
"No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest fucking 6 months you've ever had."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahuww1/guy_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_checkup_and_gets_bad/
%
Elton John is a great pianist

but I hear he sucks on the organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahuus0/elton_john_is_a_great_pianist/
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I asked a sweet old woman, “Excuse me, but can you tell me how to get to the hospital?”

She said, “Sure, honey.”
And pushed me under a bus...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahumjd/i_asked_a_sweet_old_woman_excuse_me_but_can_you/
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What's Donald Trump's Native American name?

Talking Bull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahuh8b/whats_donald_trumps_native_american_name/
%
Two economists are on a walk in the park

As they're walking, they come across a pile of dog shit. One economist says to the other, "If you eat that dog shit, I'll give you $50". The second economist thinks for a minute, then reaches down, picks up the shit, and eats it. The first economist gives him a $50 bill and they keep going on their walk.
A few minutes later, they come across another pile of dog shit. This time, the second economist says to the first, "Hey, if you eat that, I'll give you $50." So, of course, the first economist picks up the shit, eats it, and gets $50.
Walking a little while farther, the first economist looks at the second and says, "You know, I gave you $50 to eat dog shit, then you gave me back the same $50 to eat dog shit. I can't help but feel like we both just ate dog shit for nothing."
"That's not true", responded the second economist. "We increased the GDP by $100!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahu7kt/two_economists_are_on_a_walk_in_the_park/
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What's Gordon Ramsey's favorite Disney movie?

IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahu3u5/whats_gordon_ramseys_favorite_disney_movie/
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One time, I ripped ass so good I got sad when it was over.

I had postfartum depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahtx4s/one_time_i_ripped_ass_so_good_i_got_sad_when_it/
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*Sarcasm doesn't get you anywhere*

Me: It got me to the world sarcasm championship in peru.
"*Really*"
Me: No

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahtr80/sarcasm_doesnt_get_you_anywhere/
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A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend

That's when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend  Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.  In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahtr4g/a_couple_of_years_ago_one_night_i_was_about_to/
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What do you call tea that tastes like freedom?

LiberTEA
(Im not sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahtps1/what_do_you_call_tea_that_tastes_like_freedom/
%
Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.

Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."
"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."
"Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole.
"Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"
"Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahtp3y/mr_dickson_the_science_teacher_asked_his_4th/
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A wife comes home with some gifts for her husband.

Wife: babe, I got you this beautiful tie.
Husband: that's very nice of you. But why?
Wife: because I love you. Also, I brought you cold beer, your favorite.
Husband: oh, thank you my love.
Wife: and I was thinking, what about... after finishing these beers, we go to bed and have sex.
The husband thinks for a moment..., then he says: mary, what happened to the car?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahtlvo/a_wife_comes_home_with_some_gifts_for_her_husband/
%
I still remember my grandfather's last words before he passed away

"Son, you are stepping on the oxygen tank"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahtl0x/i_still_remember_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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God gave me a choice to have a big dick or a good memory

I dont remember which one I picked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahtjhq/god_gave_me_a_choice_to_have_a_big_dick_or_a_good/
%
How do you say ‘direction’ in pig Latin?

Hope you had a good one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahti49/how_do_you_say_direction_in_pig_latin/
%
Do you want to hear my German sausage joke?

It's the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahtfzc/do_you_want_to_hear_my_german_sausage_joke/
%
I’m pretty sure a deaf girl likes me

I mean, she’s giving all the right signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahtfve/im_pretty_sure_a_deaf_girl_likes_me/
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Adoption

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahtevw/adoption/
%
So, I named my penis Buddha

Bc often when I rub it, it brings me happiness,peace and mental wealth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aht3vv/so_i_named_my_penis_buddha/
%
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a gynecologist?

**A pickpocket snatches watches...**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aht0rx/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
%
I asked my girlfriend to say plethora

She did it but then asked why?
So I told her it meant a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahszzf/i_asked_my_girlfriend_to_say_plethora/
%
Poorly paid UK surgeons

Yesterday I found out that NHS surgeons are so poorly paid that they have to resort to crime.
I saw a sign, it said "Thieves operate in this area."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahsx7c/poorly_paid_uk_surgeons/
%
I didn’t like my haircut at first

but it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahstsr/i_didnt_like_my_haircut_at_first/
%
A massive cage fighter goes into a crowded bar and sits down.

After finishing his first beer he stands up and shouts “all you on the left side of the bar are assholes, anyone got a problem with that?” The room remains silent and the cage fighter sits back down and orders another beer. When he finishes his second beer he stands again and shouts “all you on the right side of the bar are mother fuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?” Then a guy in the left side of the bar stands up and the cage fighter shouts, “you got a problem asshole??!!” To which the guy replies, “no no, I’m just on the wrong side of the bar...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahsrm2/a_massive_cage_fighter_goes_into_a_crowded_bar/
%
Archie the Strangler

A British gangster sat in the corner of a pub with his best mate. Tired and frustrated, he sighed and turned to his friend "I can't stand it anymore, every day and every night she whines and complains at me. On and on and on... I'm so sick of it, I'd gladly have her killed if I could!"
His friend calmly moved forward in his seat. "Are you sure? I know someone. In fact, he's right over there..."
"Yes, I'm sure. I won't survive another week if I have to go home to her again!"
"Alright then, come with me". They both got up and headed over to the huge figure the other side of the pub. He was enormous, with a shaved head and a rough stubble. They approached him and sat down opposite him at the table. "Hey Archie, my mate here's got a serious problem with his wife, do you think you could do something about her?"
Archie looked up and with a coarse voice replied "guys, I'll deal with any problem you have. Men, women or kids, just tell me who, when and where and I'll do it".
"Okay, tomorrow afternoon she'll be working at the supermarket. She's very loud and never shuts up so you can't miss her... So how are you going to do it?"
Archie smiled "I strangle everyone I kill with my bare hands, so that's how I'll kill her too. You got a problem with that buddy?"
The gangster smiled, "no, no, that's fine. Actually that's quite a fitting end for the old hag. How much will this all cost then?"
"I'll do it for a pound"
The gangster was shocked, "a pound! Are you sure?" Archie nodded and the gangster dropped a coin into his hand.
The following day, Archie prowled up and down aisles. The store seemed rather quiet until he moved closer to the tills; then he heard her. The unmistakable sound of gossip and complaining, Archie had found his target and he made his way towards her. By the time he reached her, he understood why the gangster wanted her dead; she was insufferable. He reached over the counter, and right there, in front of a customer, he began to strangle her. The woman struggled but it was hopeless.
Just then, the customer the wife had been gossiping with started to panic, but before she could even scream, Archie had her throat in his other hand. In less than a minute, he'd strangled them both to death. As he made his way his way out of the shop, the security guard walked through the main entrance, bumping straight into Archie. The guard saw the women lying on the ground and looked up at him, but Archie had already grabbed the guard's throat too. Moments later, the guard dropped to the floor and Archie made his escape.
The next day, the British gangster picked up the newspaper from his letterbox and sat at the table. He unfolded the paper and there, in big bold writing was the headline...
**"Archie chokes three for a pound"**
*Joke courtesy of my Grandad*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahsoas/archie_the_strangler/
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A guy walks into a psychiatrist office wearing only saran wrap.

Doc, do you think I'm crazy?
Yup.....I can plainly see your nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahso7m/a_guy_walks_into_a_psychiatrist_office_wearing/
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2 Birds are arguing over what type of tree they are roosted in

The Whippoorwill insists its a Son of a Birch, the Cardinal insists its a Son of a Beech.
They ask their friend, a Woodpecker to settle their argument.
He responds, It's the finest piece of Ash i've ever stuck my pecker in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahsntd/2_birds_are_arguing_over_what_type_of_tree_they/
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A deaf person has a crush on me

She's giving all the right signs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahsmrl/a_deaf_person_has_a_crush_on_me/
%
How do you organise a party in space?

"You planet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahskb8/how_do_you_organise_a_party_in_space/
%
How do you find out if your dog or your wife loves you the most?

Lock them both in the garage for a few hours.
When you return, see which one is happiest to see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahsjs9/how_do_you_find_out_if_your_dog_or_your_wife/
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How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahshjq/how_do_you_put_a_baby_astronaut_to_sleep/
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Give a man a fish

And he will be back hungry tomorrow.
Teach a man to fish and he becomes your competition.
Cut him up into little bits and he becomes your chum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahsgyd/give_a_man_a_fish/
%
what did the kid-corn say to the mom-corn

Wheres the popcorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahsd4n/what_did_the_kidcorn_say_to_the_momcorn/
%
One morning I was wondering

One morning, I was wondering what the hell was that flying in the sky.
Is it a bird? I think its not. It does not have wings
Neither is a plane. Its shape is circle. So I'm very sure its not a plane.
Its not a kite because it doesn't even around move.
But I noticed a very important detail.
It grew larger and larger!
Then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahsd0f/one_morning_i_was_wondering/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahs8gd/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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Hearing

An elderly man suspected his wife was losing her hearing. So from 20 feet behind her he asked, "can you hear me sweetheart?" No reply. He move 10' and asked again. No reply. He did again from 5' and not a word. He got up behind her ear and asked, "can you hear me now honey?" His wife said, "For the fourth damn time, YES."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahs86y/hearing/
%
A man decided to get a DNA test

When the results came, he confronted his parents because he found they weren't his real parents.
His mom, shocked and confused, tried to understand what had happened while his father tried to calm her down.
"I thought you knew" said the father.
"What do you mean?? How was I supposed to know he's not our son??" answered the mother.
The father calmly explained "Well, when we were leaving the hospital, he shat himself and you told me to go back and change it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahs7nr/a_man_decided_to_get_a_dna_test/
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Three buddies get pulled over.

One day Joe, Craig and Mike were booze cruising around when they get pulled over by the police. After Joe failed the sobriety test the officer said 'well boys I'm feeling generous tonight and if all your penises add up to 18" I'll let you go'.
The three decide that it's a fair bet so Mike says he would go first and whips out a 10" whomper. 'Well boys that's a good start' said the cop.
Craig pulls out a respectable 6" wang
'Looks like you guys have this bet no problem'
Joe's turn and he pulls down his pants and measures up to 3"
'A deal's a deal's sp you are all free to go'
After the three friends resume their drive and the cop was long gone. 'Good thing my packer was 6 inches' said Craig.
'Na you guys are bloody lucky I have a giant 10 incher' went Mike
Joe went 'nope y'all just lucky I had a hard on'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahs61g/three_buddies_get_pulled_over/
%
My friend asked me if I liked playing battleship

It's hit or miss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahs5cr/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_liked_playing_battleship/
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There was a chicken and a horse...

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer’s BMW and pulled the horse out with it.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his “thingy” and he’d pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.
The moral of the story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahs2fr/there_was_a_chicken_and_a_horse/
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Dark humour is like food

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahrzwc/dark_humour_is_like_food/
%
A girl asked me what's up...

Apparently "down there" wasn't a proper answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahrzo4/a_girl_asked_me_whats_up/
%
I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst.  She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache.  It took like three weeks.  Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to my size with tailored shirts having high upstanding collars tied at the neck with large bow-ties.  Finally, after a month, I'm adorned in the finest haberdashery of the day when I come to find out, it is now her time of the month.  Since I looked like any gentleman of the era, we had period sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahrzib/i_recently_traveled_through_time_to_hookup_with/
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It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.

"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today."
"No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked.
"I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then."
Then it was Tuesday. John came to job, in perfect health, thanked the boss for the day off and was working as usual. So the week passed, then the weekend and it was already next Monday.
"Boss, I'm sorry to call you again, but can I get this Monday off as well? I'm sick."
A bit weird, two Mondays in a row, but what can you do, the boss thought. It's just a coincidence.
"Sure, no problem. You'll make it up when you're feeling better", the boss replied.
And so came Tuesday. Boss was worried about John, but didn't want to pry, so he let it slide. John worked as usual that time, and for the rest of the week.
Then, the next Monday arrived.
"Boss, I'm really sorry, but can I have this Monday off as well?" John asked.
Boss knew something was off, but better not to have John around sick he though, if he was even really sick, so he decided to talk in private, after John was feeling better.
"Ok John", the boss replied. "This is getting weird but you just rest, you can't function while you're sick. I suppose I'll see you tomorrow?".
"Yes, I'll be coming tomorrow as usual.
John was at work the next day so boss decided to find out what was going on.
"John, we need to talk. One Monday is not a problem, two Mondays in a row are a bit weird but things happen, but three Mondays are no coincidence. What is happening? I need an explanation." The boss was not happy at all.
John decided to be honest. "Well, here is the thing. Every Monday, before work, I go to my cousin for a cup of tea. Every time we start drinking tea, chatting, and we always end up having sex."
"Oh my god! Sex, with your cousin? You're sick!"
"Well I told you so!"
Sorry if I misspelled something, heard the joke in my native language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahrxuq/it_was_monday_and_john_called_his_boss_because_he/
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Lawyer joke from my 8 year old

What do you call a crappy lawyer?
An a-turd-ney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahrrwl/lawyer_joke_from_my_8_year_old/
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So many double standards between men and women nowadays.

When women have sex with men a lot,they get called whores. When I do it I get called gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahrlmw/so_many_double_standards_between_men_and_women/
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My friend loudly complained that the dildo his girlfriend used on him was too big.

I told him to try taking it down a peg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahrgjh/my_friend_loudly_complained_that_the_dildo_his/
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A woman visits the doctor as she has some strange symptoms and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope your husband likes changing diapers".
She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"
To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahrf59/a_woman_visits_the_doctor_as_she_has_some_strange/
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Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahrc9b/man_doctor_all_five_of_my_boys_want_to_be_valets/
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Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac who had dyslexia?

He would lay awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahr8us/did_you_hear_about_the_agnostic_insomniac_who_had/
%
What's a weeb's favorite element?

Manga-nese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahr7sz/whats_a_weebs_favorite_element/
%
What is Obama's favorite vegetable?

Barack-oli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahr63v/what_is_obamas_favorite_vegetable/
%
A man is sitting on the porch with a friend, when a kid walks by.

The man says to the friend, that the kid walking by is so stupid, and he calls the kid up. The man takes out his wallet and grabs two bills, a 1 and a 5. He asks the kid which one he wants, and the kid takes the one and walks away.
Later the friend sees the kid at the store buying a soda, he seems normal so he asks if he really thinks that the one is worth more. The kid says no, but if he took the five the man would stop offering the one and he's done it a dozen times already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahr2yf/a_man_is_sitting_on_the_porch_with_a_friend_when/
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Which sultry-voiced singer will happily spit in your face?

Llama Del Rey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahqyqw/which_sultryvoiced_singer_will_happily_spit_in/
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I suffer from CDO.

It’s OCD with the letters in the correct order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahqwj0/i_suffer_from_cdo/
%
What do you sing when you kill Dracula's last clone?

"It's the final countdown"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahqtrs/what_do_you_sing_when_you_kill_draculas_last_clone/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahqrhn/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
Which country has the highest number of parks?

...
North Korea and South Korea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahqr6r/which_country_has_the_highest_number_of_parks/
%
A man walks into a library

and asks for a book on suffocation, and the librarian says
"Would you like a bag with that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahqqd5/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
%
I got a surfboard for my wife...

Pretty good trade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahqli6/i_got_a_surfboard_for_my_wife/
%
Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.
"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"
Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.
"Wow, do you mind if I give it a rub," asks the barman and the guy says to go for it. A vigorous rub and a genie appears.
"I am the genie of the lamp, what is your wish?"
The barman asks for a million bucks!
There's a popping sound at the far end of the bar and a duck appears. Then another and another and another. Suddenly the whole bar starts filling with ducks.
"I think your genie is a bit deaf," says the barman.
"No kidding," says the guy. "Do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahqjsu/guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_brown_paper_bag_and/
%
A sketchy dude was trying to sell me an elaborate pillowcase.

It turns out it was a sham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahqgs7/a_sketchy_dude_was_trying_to_sell_me_an_elaborate/
%
My family found out me and my girl had period sex last night

They caught me red handed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahq9bn/my_family_found_out_me_and_my_girl_had_period_sex/
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I have a delivery van set as my profile picture on dating websites.

I just want the ladies to know what they’re getting into.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahq8oa/i_have_a_delivery_van_set_as_my_profile_picture/
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Prince Philip had a car accident and his Range Rover was written off.

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahq57k/prince_philip_had_a_car_accident_and_his_range/
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There's been an explosion at the cheese factory.

There is nothing left but de Brie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahq0z1/theres_been_an_explosion_at_the_cheese_factory/
%
What's the difference between a flying pig and Trump?

The letter "F".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahpzqa/whats_the_difference_between_a_flying_pig_and/
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What do you call a fear of over-engineered buildings?

A complex complex complex
Credit to some guy named Slow Poke on YouTube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahpz3n/what_do_you_call_a_fear_of_overengineered/
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My kid just stacked some letter blocks like so:

F
F
U
T
S
S
I
H
T
You couldn't make this stuff up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahpvta/my_kid_just_stacked_some_letter_blocks_like_so/
%
What kind of bees make milk?

Boobees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahpu50/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk/
%
My water disappeared

It shall be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahps36/my_water_disappeared/
%
I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop.

“Jump in, l’ll Give you a lift home” I said.
“Fuck off” he shouted back
“What an ungrateful little shit” I thought as I zipped my rucksack and continued my walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahprzw/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbour_at_a_bus_stop/
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A Nazi walks into a bar...

looks around, and notices an older Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."
As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar
"Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before
"Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahpmtk/a_nazi_walks_into_a_bar/
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Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”

A guy in the back replies
You don’t have enough bullets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahplwx/guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_gun_and_snarls_who/
%
I went to donate blood today.

I decided not to because the people there we're asking too many personal questions.
Like, "Who's blood is this?" and, "Where did you get it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahplgb/i_went_to_donate_blood_today/
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What do you call a group of people that run around and tickle people?

A Gucci Gucci Gang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahpkyf/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_people_that_run/
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Why is Newton the most alcoholic scientist ?

Because there are 10 N/cm² in a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahpihi/why_is_newton_the_most_alcoholic_scientist/
%
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.  Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahphsy/two_old_men_abe_and_sol_sit_on_a_park_bench/
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A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.
* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than once other than to leave the building.
The woman visits the first floor. The sign reads: **Men with jobs.**
She moves on to the second floor: **Men with jobs that adore children.**
She moves on the the third floor where the sign reads: **Wealthy men that adore children and are very handsome.**
She thinks to herself, "that's a very good deal" yet moves on to the fourth floor: **Wealthy men that adore children, are very handsome and help with the household chores.**
She decides to move on as things are constantly improving: **Wealthy men that adore children, are very handsome, help with the household chores and are very romantic.**
The woman is about to make her purchase but can't resist moving on to the sixth floor. There the sign reads: **You are visitor number 26,635,856 on this floor. There are no men here. This floor exists as proof that it is impossible to please women.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahp51c/a_department_store_opened_in_downtown_area_that/
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An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq

During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"
The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."
A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops his trousers and has sex with the camel. He asks the soldier: "Is that how the men do it?"
"No sir, they usually ride it to the brothel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahp25n/an_army_captain_is_assigned_to_a_remote_desert/
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A well known TV Evangelists is booking into a posh hotel.

He tells the duty manager, "I hope the porn channel is set to disabled."
The manager looks at him and replies, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahp0jl/a_well_known_tv_evangelists_is_booking_into_a/
%
Today I had Libertarian salad.

Lettuce alone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahp093/today_i_had_libertarian_salad/
%
Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"

Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahovce/man_i_hate_the_world_and_everyone_in_it_i_have_no/
%
H2O

Two scientists walk into the bar. The barman ask they what they want.
The first one says, "I'll have H2O please."
The second one says, "I'll have H2O too."
The second one dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahose7/h2o/
%
You know, I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk...

but I never got the chants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahorxx/you_know_i_always_wanted_to_be_a_gregorian_monk/
%
What do Pennywise the Clown's farts smell like?

Derry air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahorji/what_do_pennywise_the_clowns_farts_smell_like/
%
Why cant you call anybody while at the beach?

Because the shell service was so bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahoqyn/why_cant_you_call_anybody_while_at_the_beach/
%
I canceled my doctor appointment yesterday

I had to call him to reschedule because I was sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahoo8q/i_canceled_my_doctor_appointment_yesterday/
%
A man walked into a pet store

and asked a worker
“do you have any chameleons here?”
The worker responded:
“I don’t know”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahoifk/a_man_walked_into_a_pet_store/
%
I still remember my Dad’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket.

He said, “Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahohli/i_still_remember_my_dads_last_words_to_me_before/
%
I ate two pieces of string yesterday and I pooped it out as one

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahod7z/i_ate_two_pieces_of_string_yesterday_and_i_pooped/
%
What blood type was the fat-thumbed stenographer?

Typo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahod7g/what_blood_type_was_the_fatthumbed_stenographer/
%
Religion at its finest

One day Johnny and Sarah are sitting in religion class.
Johnny was really tired so he kept falling asleep.
The teacher asked the class “who is the son of god?”
She called on Johnny and Sarah pokes him really hard with the sharp end of her pencil and it woke him up in a fright and he yelled “Jesus Christ!”
“Correct” said the teacher and Johnny went back to sleep.
The teacher asked another question “who is our lord and savior?” Then Sarah poked Jonny again and he woke up and yelled “Oh god!”
“Good job.” Said the teacher.
Then for her final question she asked the class “what did eve say to Adam after they had there 21st child?” Seeing Johnny was asleep again Sarah pokes him with the sharp end of the pencil
Johnny woke up again and yelled”if you poke me with that thing one more time I’ll break it in half!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahoaux/religion_at_its_finest/
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why is it general kenobi and not specific kenobi ?

only a sith deals in absolutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aho6ug/why_is_it_general_kenobi_and_not_specific_kenobi/
%
There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped.  When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived!  Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.
The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig.  The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college.
On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place.  Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening.
Now one day, half a man walks into a bar.  The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him.
At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back.  As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02.
The bartender was astounded-- he was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident.  As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted to, "Whole Don here for just one minute!"
I will not apologize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aho464/there_was_once_in_a_small_town_a_man_named_don/
%
A drunk man killed 25 driving his truck

While being persecuted, the judge asked: "Why did you drove over that many people knowing there was another road you could've diverted to?"
"Okay, hear me out" the driver said, "if you were driving a truck, and you were faced with a fork in the road; one direction has 24 people on it, and another only has one person. Knowing you have no choice but to continue in either of the ways, and taking one means killing everyone in it, what road would you choose?"
"The road with the one person" the judge replied.
Then the man shouted enthusiastically: "But that bastard ran away to the other road!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aho2a6/a_drunk_man_killed_25_driving_his_truck/
%
Do you know what it's like to be a fish?

I don't, but Alaska Salmon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahnqsn/do_you_know_what_its_like_to_be_a_fish/
%
What movie is this joke from? Painting the porch

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,
"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahnqev/what_movie_is_this_joke_from_painting_the_porch/
%
If you can't afford healthcare...

Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahnmfi/if_you_cant_afford_healthcare/
%
Why did the American start shooting the river?

He learned fish swim in schools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahnin2/why_did_the_american_start_shooting_the_river/
%
A man and a woman were married for many years

Everytime there was an argument, yelling could be heard by everyone, deep into the night. The old man would shout "WHEN I DIE,  I WILL DIG MY WAY UP AND OUT OF THE GRAVE AND HAUNT YOU UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE!!" Neighbors feared him and the old man liked it that way.
Finally at the age of 98, he died. After the burial, the woman's neighbors, fearing for her safety asked "aren't you afraid that he might actually dig his way out and haunt you forever?"
"Let him dig" she said. "I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahnhzs/a_man_and_a_woman_were_married_for_many_years/
%
A husband and wife are in bed...

She turns to him and says 'how many lovers have you ever had?' He refuses to answer saying 'you'll only get upset' she doesn't give up though so... 'fine!' and he starts counting... '1,2,3,4,5, you,6,7......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahnfu2/a_husband_and_wife_are_in_bed/
%
I was going to post a joke about Sodium

But was like Na, people won’t understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahncf5/i_was_going_to_post_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts ‘mypenis’ and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahna1m/a_husband_and_wife_are_trying_to_set_up_a_new/
%
Rednecks

are the best magicians. They can turn 6-packs of beer into domestic violence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahn9q3/rednecks/
%
I just turned down a girl because of the colour of her skin.

Can't be dealing with her terrible fake tan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahn8z5/i_just_turned_down_a_girl_because_of_the_colour/
%
A man is planning his vacation,

As he does so, a friend swings by and offers to help:
-Hey man, may I suggest the Maldives? Had an amazing time there.
-I'm not taking any advice from you! Back in 98, you suggested Rome, I went there and my wife got pregnant, in 2007 you suggested Brazil, I went there and my wife got pregnant, then, in 2013 you suggested France, and, guess what? My wife got pregnant, again!
-Well that's not my fault! You should just start taking your wife with you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahn7hp/a_man_is_planning_his_vacation/
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If Black Panther was a Pokemon, Ash would ask him...

Wakanda Pokemon are you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahn7du/if_black_panther_was_a_pokemon_ash_would_ask_him/
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A biologist specialized in bovine excrement found a specimen and exclaimed

"This is bullshit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahmza7/a_biologist_specialized_in_bovine_excrement_found/
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What does a person obsessed with IKEA suffer from?

Stock-home Syndrome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahmvm5/what_does_a_person_obsessed_with_ikea_suffer_from/
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What did the vet say when Schrodinger went to pick up his cat?

"I have good news and bad news..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahmu99/what_did_the_vet_say_when_schrodinger_went_to/
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The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahmqia/the_american_government_is_just_like_a_car/
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An American and a Russian are talking

The American says to the Russian, "I feel bad for you folks. You don't have any freedom. In my country, I can march right up to the White House, walk right into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"
The Russian says, "I can do that too."
"You can?" Replies the American
"Sure. I can march right up to the Senate building, walk right into the Presidential Cabinet, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahmqi1/an_american_and_a_russian_are_talking/
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The problem with Trump jokes:

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahmqho/the_problem_with_trump_jokes/
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I left my last girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I often wonder what she's up to now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahmq46/i_left_my_last_girlfriend_due_to_her_obsession/
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A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs...

Blew my mind, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he was a barber!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahmpvd/a_local_barber_in_my_area_just_got_arrested_for/
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A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
“Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahmp90/a_college_teacher_reminds_her_class_of_the_next/
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Thanks university! I don’t think I can ever repay you!

Spend a 100k to get a 40k job...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahmlfm/thanks_university_i_dont_think_i_can_ever_repay/
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Me: "When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. "

Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahml6j/me_when_i_donate_blood_i_do_not_extract_it_a/
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What's the most expensive doors?

Bill Gates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahml1x/whats_the_most_expensive_doors/
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A genie grants a woman three wishes but there is a catch.

Every wish she is granted, her husband, who she hates, is granted 10x that wish.
"So what would you like for your first wish?" the genie inquires.
"I want to be beautiful," says the woman.
"Sure thing, but just so you remember, your husband will be 10x more beautiful than you"
The woman agrees, and she transforms into a beautiful woman. Her husband becomes a man ten times as handsome as she is beautiful.
"What would you like for your second wish?" the genie asks.
"I would like one million dollars," she insists.
"You're sure? That means your husband will receive ten million!" exclaims the genie.
"I am very sure," says the woman.
With that the genie grants the wish and POOF! sitting in front of her is a cool $1 mil. Meanwhile her husband receives $10 million.
"Ok, two wishes down, one to go. What would you like for your third and final wish?"
Without missing a beat the woman replies, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahmjzv/a_genie_grants_a_woman_three_wishes_but_there_is/
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Netflix is making a sequel to Bird Box.

It's called Chicken McNuggets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahmid3/netflix_is_making_a_sequel_to_bird_box/
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What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?

A can’t opener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahmabg/what_do_you_call_a_can_opener_that_doesnt_work/
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When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahm9xd/when_im_grilling_a_steak_the_smell_of_the_juices/
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Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers.

Then it becomes suspicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahm9u6/silence_is_golden_unless_you_have_teenagers/
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Some kid shot up my school

Standing over the bloodied bodies, regret suddenly flooded the killer's face. He turned to the teacher and says, "I cant believe what ive done. Can i turn myself in?" And the teacher replied "i dont know, can you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahm8d2/some_kid_shot_up_my_school/
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Why aren't there any NSFW posts in r/antivax

Because none of them are 18+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahm6tk/why_arent_there_any_nsfw_posts_in_rantivax/
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Her Husband!

A man phoned the hospital in a state of excitement.
‘My wife is pregnant. Her contractions are only two minutes apart.’ The doctor said: ‘Is this her first child?’
‘No, you twat. This is her husband.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahm4wa/her_husband/
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An old lady goes to the dentist,

She then begins taking off all her clothes and spreading her legs. The dentist says woahhhh I’m a dentist not a doctor, or a gynaecologist.! the woman replies yeah I know, I need my husbands teeth back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahm37c/an_old_lady_goes_to_the_dentist/
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Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
“Name's Jess, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 . . .”
“Great,” says Tom. After six months alone out here he was ready to meet some local folks. "Thank you.”
As Jess is leaving, he stops, “Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.”
“Not a problem”, says Tom. “After 30 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.”
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.”
“Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.”
“More'n likely be some wild sex, too.”
“Now that‟s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, should I wear something nice?”
“Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahm10r/tom_retires_from_the_police_after_30_years/
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The very first time I went fishing, I was instantly hooked!

The second time I went fishing, I was much more careful casting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahm03g/the_very_first_time_i_went_fishing_i_was/
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A man and his wife are doing yard work

When the wife decides that she had enough and goes inside to take a shower.  The man, still doing yard work, realizes that he can’t find the rake and gets her attention through the bathroom window.
He cups his hands around his mouth and yells “I NEED THE RAKE!”  The wife shrugs her shoulders, gesturing that she can’t understand.
The man pauses for a moment to think about how to make his message clear. First, he points to his eye, then points to his knee, and then makes a raking motion.
The wife sees and nods her head that she understands and makes her reply. First, she points to her eye, then points to her left breast, then points to her butt, then finally, points to her crotch.
There’s no way the man was figuring that one out, so after a few minutes of searching for the rake, he finally goes inside to confront his wife. “What the hell was that all about? I told you I needed the rake!”
The wife replies while making her gestures: “I left it behind the bush.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahlz78/a_man_and_his_wife_are_doing_yard_work/
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Why can’t Stevie wonder drive a bus?

There’s no steering wheel in the back of the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahly3x/why_cant_stevie_wonder_drive_a_bus/
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Why didn't the mitochondria worry about being beat up in jail?

Because he was the powerhouse of the cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahlxnm/why_didnt_the_mitochondria_worry_about_being_beat/
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An elephant picks up a white rabbit

after taking a dump. It asks the rabbit: “Are you afraid of getting dirty?” The rabbit says no and the elephant wipes his bum with it.
The next day the elephant picks up a squirrel after eating. It asks the squirrel: “Are you afraid of getting dirty?” The squirrel also says no and the elephant wipes his mouth with it.
After putting the squirrel down, it climbs up to his ear and whispers: “I was the rabbit from yesterday”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahlwb3/an_elephant_picks_up_a_white_rabbit/
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What's 72?

69 with three people watching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahlv59/whats_72/
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Twitter and Snapchat are merging

It will be called: Twat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahluwa/twitter_and_snapchat_are_merging/
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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahluoc/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_21_year_old_girl_today/
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I once met a girl with 12 nipples

Sounds funny, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahluip/i_once_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: haircut and new color, new outfit and big sunglasses, and then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahlui7/a_blonde_went_to_the_appliance_store_sale_and/
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Can you tell me what someone from Corsica is called?

Course I can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahll6e/can_you_tell_me_what_someone_from_corsica_is/
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A man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful woman.

He sat down next to her and said “Hello there, what‘s your name”. She replied “Carmen, it’s my own name. I gave it to myself, it’s a combination of my two favourite things in life, cars and men.” The man replied “Well in that case it’s a pleasure to meet you Carmen, I’m B.J Titsandarse”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahlihu/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_and_saw_a_beautiful_woman/
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An Irishman walks out of a bar....

That's the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahli5d/an_irishman_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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How does the Prague mafia mark its territory?

With a Czech mark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahleot/how_does_the_prague_mafia_mark_its_territory/
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What’s green and eats nuts?

Syphilis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahldvw/whats_green_and_eats_nuts/
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I've said before, and I'll say it again

Before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahldi7/ive_said_before_and_ill_say_it_again/
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Did you hear about the drummer Who’s wife who had twin girls?

He named them Anna 1 & Anna 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahl744/did_you_hear_about_the_drummer_whos_wife_who_had/
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What does every Tickle Me Elmo doll receive before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahl6yu/what_does_every_tickle_me_elmo_doll_receive/
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Why was it so hard to get out of R. Kelly’s sex cult?

Because once you’re in, urine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahl6ai/why_was_it_so_hard_to_get_out_of_r_kellys_sex_cult/
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My friend refused to believe he was gay and a dyslexic.

He was in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahl18l/my_friend_refused_to_believe_he_was_gay_and_a/
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What gyneacologists and pizza delivery guys have in common?

Both can sniff it,but cant taste it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahl162/what_gyneacologists_and_pizza_delivery_guys_have/
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If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught half the time.

Because sin 90 = cot 45

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahl0fx/if_you_commit_90_sins_you_will_only_be_caught/
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I've got to go to hospital tomorrow to have a mole removed from the end of my cock,

That's the last time I try and fuck one of those.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkwgm/ive_got_to_go_to_hospital_tomorrow_to_have_a_mole/
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How do cannibals cook feet?

In a toester oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkvbz/how_do_cannibals_cook_feet/
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A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."
Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"
God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository.  There were no accomplices. He acted alone"
The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says  "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkui3/a_jfk_conspiracy_theorist_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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How do you call a musical group consisting of all existing genders?

A duet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahksws/how_do_you_call_a_musical_group_consisting_of_all/
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Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.

It was a clerical error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkrk0/once_upon_a_time_i_was_accidentally_made_a_priest/
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Potatos aren’t very attractive

...until they’ve been with someone appealing for a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkmht/potatos_arent_very_attractive/
%
Eyes wide with fear, lips trembling, I pleaded, “Doctor! I accidentally ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die!?”

Reflectively, the doctor replied, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."
I shot back hysterically, "Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkkzl/eyes_wide_with_fear_lips_trembling_i_pleaded/
%
What do you call an airport security employee?

A volunteer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkjfk/what_do_you_call_an_airport_security_employee/
%
I told a girl to text me when she got home

She must be homeless..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkj38/i_told_a_girl_to_text_me_when_she_got_home/
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Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

The looked at the reviews... Only one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkipc/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system_yet/
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The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,

so I can watch it with my family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkija/the_best_thing_about_japanese_porn_is_they_censor/
%
I told my hot coworker how I felt and as it turns out, she felt the same way....

So I turned on the air conditioning...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkigk/i_told_my_hot_coworker_how_i_felt_and_as_it_turns/
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Why does did the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkgwe/why_does_did_the_military_use_acid/
%
I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches...

Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkfwp/i_invented_a_new_golf_ball_thatll_automatically/
%
If the US would switch from inches to meters

We'd have a lengthy discussion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkehf/if_the_us_would_switch_from_inches_to_meters/
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Brought nachos to salsa class

Huge misunderstanding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahkch5/brought_nachos_to_salsa_class/
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A man in a french village runs up to his local priest exclaiming 'Father! I just witnessed a man having sex with a dead woman in a field!"...

The priest is shocked but responds with 'That is a grave situation my son, I shall investigate immediately!'. The priest hurried to the nearby field, where he could clearly see one of the local men having sex with what seemed to be a corpse.
Mortified at this, but not having the courage to intervene himself, he hurries to the local policeman. The officer is shocked to hear of such a thing happening in his village and rushes off to the scene of the crime.
He returns within ten minutes with a grin on his face.
"No need to worry Father" he proclaims, "The woman is not dead, just British!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahk4c5/a_man_in_a_french_village_runs_up_to_his_local/
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The weirdest thing I saw last night was a Redditor tripping and falling on top of a clown.

It was virgin on the ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahk0l4/the_weirdest_thing_i_saw_last_night_was_a/
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I live in constant fear

that one day while I’m least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleeps on the second floor south room next to the bathroom which is where she keeps all her jewelry hidden behind the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahjy5k/i_live_in_constant_fear/
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What do they call it when a Chameleon can’t change colour?

Ereptile Dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahjqgq/what_do_they_call_it_when_a_chameleon_cant_change/
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Don’t date a calculus teacher

They’re gonna replace u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahjnyu/dont_date_a_calculus_teacher/
%
Ever had sex while camping?

It’s fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahj8w5/ever_had_sex_while_camping/
%
What's the worst part of parallel parking?

The witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahj4dp/whats_the_worst_part_of_parallel_parking/
%
On a scale of -∞ to ∞, my girlfriend is a √-1

Completely imaginary, but useful in a lot of situations “on paper.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahj1ay/on_a_scale_of_to_my_girlfriend_is_a_1/
%
Two guys are playing golf...

...behind two women, and the women are taking forever.
One of the guys says, "This is getting ridiculous, I'm going to ask if we can play through."
He comes back a minute later, and says, "I can't talk to them, that's my wife and my girlfriend."
So the other guy says he'll see what he can do.
He comes back and says, "Small world."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahj0ch/two_guys_are_playing_golf/
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahiz9i/what_did_the_bartender_say_when_oxygen_hydrogen/
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Two astronauts are falling into a black hole while telling jokes.

One turns to the other and says "I'm afraid we're not aware of the gravity of the situation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahiyn8/two_astronauts_are_falling_into_a_black_hole/
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My next door neighbor was found murdered.

He was discovered face down in his bathtub that had been filled with milk. A spoon had been stuck in his ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahixqv/my_next_door_neighbor_was_found_murdered/
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They tried to warn us, it's finally happening, minorities herding white people into camps.

Here in Oregon we call them "music festivals"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahixcp/they_tried_to_warn_us_its_finally_happening/
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Two mathematicians are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.
The first mathematician wanders off to the bathroom, so the second guy calls over their waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, when his friend has returned, he is going to call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed."
She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
He repeats "one third x cubed".
She asks, "one thir dex cuebd?"
"Yes, that's right," he says.
So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?".
The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus C!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahiwi1/two_mathematicians_are_in_a_bar/
%
My life is a circle...

It's pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahivu0/my_life_is_a_circle/
%
What do you call a political convention in a Soviet state?

A communist party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahitcs/what_do_you_call_a_political_convention_in_a/
%
Why did the blind man fall into the well?

He couldn’t see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahitb6/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
%
Why did the Mexican try to steal a train?

No one knows the reason, but he obviously had a loco-motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahiqw3/why_did_the_mexican_try_to_steal_a_train/
%
What do you call a Mexican comedian?

A funny Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahipqz/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_comedian/
%
What do you call a bookworm who can't get enough of strong female characters?

A heroine addict!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahiped/what_do_you_call_a_bookworm_who_cant_get_enough/
%
Which way does a cyclops wing their eyeliner?

It doesn’t matter because Nobody will judge them anyway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahike0/which_way_does_a_cyclops_wing_their_eyeliner/
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Why did the wizard become a chef?

He was great at saucery. Heh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahijcq/why_did_the_wizard_become_a_chef/
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2 Canadians are sitting outside watching the night sky.

When the first guy asks the other “If you had to be one star in the night sky, which one would you be, eh?”
The second guy thinks for a moment and says “I’d probably be the brightest star in the sky.”
To which the first guy quickly responds “You can’t be Sirius A!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahiiff/2_canadians_are_sitting_outside_watching_the/
%
Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15˚C and still be 0k?

Yes,you will be 0k.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahigct/did_you_know_that_you_can_cool_yourself_to_27315c/
%
A man asks a shoe store employee for the size of a shoe

The employee replies that it's a size 9, US.
The man asks what the Australian size is.
"Size 6," the employee says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahi32r/a_man_asks_a_shoe_store_employee_for_the_size_of/
%
A man entered a newspaper pun competition. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of his puns would win...

Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahhv0z/a_man_entered_a_newspaper_pun_competition_he_sent/
%
Three Russian men are sitting together on a train headed to the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahht7t/three_russian_men_are_sitting_together_on_a_train/
%
What do you call a fire fighter that was fired?

Unemployed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahhrre/what_do_you_call_a_fire_fighter_that_was_fired/
%
I love races that finish themselves

terrorist wins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahhp8r/i_love_races_that_finish_themselves/
%
"Im fat, but I identify as skinny..

I guess you can call me Trans Fat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahhid6/im_fat_but_i_identify_as_skinny/
%
International Doctor Debate

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahhfxw/international_doctor_debate/
%
Who's the one person Medusa cannot turn to stone?

Dwayne Johnson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahhd8c/whos_the_one_person_medusa_cannot_turn_to_stone/
%
What do you call an Italian spy?

An im-pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahhbjm/what_do_you_call_an_italian_spy/
%
I was going to start a camouflage plane company

But I just can’t see it taking off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahhabb/i_was_going_to_start_a_camouflage_plane_company/
%
My wife’s favorite position is the missionary position. That’s when she’s on her back in bed...

and I’m in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahh457/my_wifes_favorite_position_is_the_missionary/
%
What is the cheapest meat?

Deer testicles - they are just under a buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahgwu7/what_is_the_cheapest_meat/
%
A Texas Biologist

A Texas biologist, who discovered that the life of a porpoise could be prolonged indefinitely if it were fed a steady diet of seagulls, has been arrested at the Louisiana border. He faces charges of transporting gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahgvsh/a_texas_biologist/
%
I managed to get a butler who works for free

I normally have really rotten luck, but I managed to get a butler who works for free. However, when I saw him, I realised he has lost his left arm;
Serves me right...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahgtz9/i_managed_to_get_a_butler_who_works_for_free/
%
The three unwritten rules to life...

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahgtn9/the_three_unwritten_rules_to_life/
%
Why did Rome Fall?

Because it slipped on some Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahgtjn/why_did_rome_fall/
%
Running to the Bathroom

A novel by Willie Makit.
Illustrated by Betty Wont.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahgpqc/running_to_the_bathroom/
%
A group of crows is called a murder, a group of cows is called a herd. What do you call a group of lesbians?

...a lick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahgokf/a_group_of_crows_is_called_a_murder_a_group_of/
%
If that Presidential piss tape ever gets released -

It will be the most streaming leaked video of all time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahgnuo/if_that_presidential_piss_tape_ever_gets_released/
%
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahghx6/i_told_my_wife_that_the_milkman_said_he_had/
%
What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Not, not "Argh." Too obvious.
Not the "C" either. Everyone has heard that one.
"Without a P he's irate hahahahaha!" Blah blah blah. Nope.
Give up?
A letter of marque. It makes his profession semi legitimate, provides for a legal way to store his wealth in his homeland, and allows him to attain social prestige far above his station if successful enough.
Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahghkc/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
Only one!

What is the similarity between a lawyer and a sperm?
Only one in a million turns out to be human.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahghiu/only_one/
%
I threw a camouflage themed party last week.

No one showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahggmu/i_threw_a_camouflage_themed_party_last_week/
%
I went to Australia house today to apply for a visa...

The woman at the counter said “everything looks good but I have to check if you have a criminal record”
I replied “Oh I didn’t know you still needed one”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahgdv4/i_went_to_australia_house_today_to_apply_for_a/
%
A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed "Eso sí que es!".
"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?" asked the exasperated salesgirl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahgcpb/a_spanish_man_who_spoke_no_english_went_into_a/
%
I work in Customer Service

because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahgbqb/i_work_in_customer_service/
%
OK.

What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahgb5z/ok/
%
Some people claim Al Gore dances too robotically

He says its just his Al Gore rhythm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahg9zh/some_people_claim_al_gore_dances_too_robotically/
%
My wife has rejection issues. She asked me to help by rejecting her from time to time.

I said no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahg968/my_wife_has_rejection_issues_she_asked_me_to_help/
%
What’s the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahg6ds/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
Trying for years

A man went to the police station demanding to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ said the desk sergeant. ‘No, i want to know how he got into the house in the middle of the night without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahg38j/trying_for_years/
%
I saw a packet of Jamie Oliver sausages

On the back it said prick with fork, I thought yeah that's him alright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahg2s9/i_saw_a_packet_of_jamie_oliver_sausages/
%
There's a brunette, red-head, and a blonde in the same Kindergarten class. Who has the biggest rack?

The blonde.  She's 19.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahg0zs/theres_a_brunette_redhead_and_a_blonde_in_the/
%
what is the scariest letter in the alphabet?

"v" because it comes after u...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahfvw3/what_is_the_scariest_letter_in_the_alphabet/
%
It really shocks people

When they find out I am not a very good electrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahfrcd/it_really_shocks_people/
%
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh harder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahfoz9/my_boyfriend_and_i_always_laugh_about_how/
%
What do slaves and government employees have in common?

Neither get paid for their labor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahfovu/what_do_slaves_and_government_employees_have_in/
%
The signs always say, “Break glass in case of emergency,” but when I had an emergency and broke the glass, my neighbor yelled at me.

Apparently, it was “highly inappropriate” to throw my drink to the floor, and I “could’ve just asked where the bathroom is.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahfo9r/the_signs_always_say_break_glass_in_case_of/
%
Im thinking about studying computer programming next year...

So i can C# in 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahfnwa/im_thinking_about_studying_computer_programming/
%
A russian officer during the winter war hears someone shouting from behind a hill

"one Finnish soldier is worth 10 Russian soldiers!"
Wanting to prove a point the officer sends ten Russians over the hill. After some gunshots and screams the same voice shouts "one Finnish soldier is worth 100 Russian soldiers!" Enraged the officer sends 100 Russian soldiers over the hill. After ten minutes of gunshots and screams he hears the voice again "one Finnish soldier is worth 1000 Russian soldiers!" Thinking it was impossible to loose this he sends 1000 of his best men over the hill. After 30 minutes of gunshots and screams  one wounded Russian crawls over the hill and shouts "It's a trap! There are two of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahfm2y/a_russian_officer_during_the_winter_war_hears/
%
A nun goes out to play golf (long)

A nun steps into a confession booth and asks the priest to forgive her for she has taken the lords name in vein. The priest say what happened sister?
She explains that she was out playing golf and hit a beautiful drive right into the center of the fairway.
The priest says "Golf can get quite exciting at times, but even after you have an amazing shot you should praise the lord, not use his name in vein."
The nun says "No no father.. as we were approaching the ball a squirrel grabbed it and started running toward the woods.
The priest says "Sister the game of golf can be pretty daunting, but losing a ball isn't a reason to use the lords name in vein.
The nun says "No father, after the squirrel ran toward the woods with my ball an owl snagged the squirrel and carried him high into the sky."
The priest says "Sister taking a drop and a stroke penalty can be a hard pill to swallow, but this isn't a reason to use the lords name in vein.
The nun says "No father, mid-flight the squirrel dropped the ball and it landed directly on the green only a few feet from the cup!"
The priest replies "Don't tell me you missed the God Damn putt..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahfkil/a_nun_goes_out_to_play_golf_long/
%
How Long is a Chinese Name.

Why are you reading this, I’m done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahfj02/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
%
I was on a flight a few weeks ago, and our descent was very turbulent, followed by a hard landing that was quite jarring.

Once on the ground, our flight attendant announced, "Well, folks, that wasn't my fault, and it wasn't the captain's fault, but it was definitely the as-phalt."
The passenger reactions were a mix of chuckles and groans.
Shoutout to our Southwest Airlines flight crew from BUR-LAS flight 4606, good job keeping things safe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahfh0x/i_was_on_a_flight_a_few_weeks_ago_and_our_descent/
%
How are wives like condoms?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahfabt/how_are_wives_like_condoms/
%
People say Facebook knows more about us than we do

Facebook still thinks I have friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahf5xc/people_say_facebook_knows_more_about_us_than_we_do/
%
Christmas in the USSR is as such:

good children get coal, bad children mine coal for next year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahf5wv/christmas_in_the_ussr_is_as_such/
%
The other day I beat my son at dominos.

I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahez19/the_other_day_i_beat_my_son_at_dominos/
%
What do a weatherman and Tinder date have in common?

They say to expect eight inches, but you only get four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aheygi/what_do_a_weatherman_and_tinder_date_have_in/
%
What do porn and dying in an explosion have in common?

No plot, no problem!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aheyea/what_do_porn_and_dying_in_an_explosion_have_in/
%
My love, you remind me the sea...

Why? is it because of my beautiful blue eyes reminding you the ocean's water?
No
I know, it's because of my curly hair, reminds you the waves.
Not really.
So it's my perfume? reminds you that fresh air near the beach?
Nope.
So what is it then?
You make me sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahey1e/my_love_you_remind_me_the_sea/
%
What do you call a man working at a stable auction at the end of the day?

A hoarse whisperer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahetun/what_do_you_call_a_man_working_at_a_stable/
%
Do you ever wake up kissing the person next to you just thankful to be alive?

Apparently I do and I'm now banned from flying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahet0f/do_you_ever_wake_up_kissing_the_person_next_to/
%
Poop jokes aren't always my favorite...

but they're a solid number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aherrk/poop_jokes_arent_always_my_favorite/
%
Did you hear about the guy that quit his job at a quilt filling factory?

He said he was fed up of feeling down...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahepgx/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_quit_his_job_at_a/
%
Voodoo Penis

A New Orleans businessman was getting ready for a long business trip, so he thought he would get his horny wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop in the French Quarters and explained his situation. The salesman said, “Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except the Voodoo Penis”.
The husband said “The what?”
The man said it again and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said it’s just a dildo.
The salesman then pointed to the door and said, “Voodoo Penis, door!”
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the salesman said “Voodoo Penis, return to box!” and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said  “Voodoo Penis, in my vagina”
The voodoo penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off.
So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop giving me orgasms”
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, “Yeah right, Voodoo Penis, my ass!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahep37/voodoo_penis/
%
Never explain puns to thieves.

They take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aheky9/never_explain_puns_to_thieves/
%
Why do female vampires have an advantage over male vampires?

Because they get free supply of blood once a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahekog/why_do_female_vampires_have_an_advantage_over/
%
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahej44/i_just_saw_a_cashier_scan_the_eyes_of_a_customer/
%
My ex-wife was a Psychotherapist...

Both separately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahegs2/my_exwife_was_a_psychotherapist/
%
What does a car and a person seeking a sex change have in common?

a transmission

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahefmx/what_does_a_car_and_a_person_seeking_a_sex_change/
%
My wife and I decided to make a sex tape.

If anyone wants to watch it im uploading the full gif later today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahefkm/my_wife_and_i_decided_to_make_a_sex_tape/
%
Why do feminists hate the Dead Sea?

Because of the toxic max-salinity!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahefbq/why_do_feminists_hate_the_dead_sea/
%
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy...

...it feels good until you look down and realize your gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aheco3/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blowjob_from_a_guy/
%
I’m like Dr. Strange without the PHD and magic cape.

Strange...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahec9p/im_like_dr_strange_without_the_phd_and_magic_cape/
%
I made a friend at this chess club in Prague

Czech mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahebxb/i_made_a_friend_at_this_chess_club_in_prague/
%
What did Princess Toadstool say to Donald Trump?

IMPEACH.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahe5fc/what_did_princess_toadstool_say_to_donald_trump/
%
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

Because he wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahe0wr/why_did_paul_walker_cross_the_road/
%
Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife

and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahdzyy/bob_left_work_one_friday_evening_but_it_was/
%
So, I was at the bar last night

and the waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?"
I replied "Hell, not only that, I know the entire alphabet"
Everyone laughed
Well, except for this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahdxm4/so_i_was_at_the_bar_last_night/
%
In Feudal Japan, there was a system that determined who sat in the highly favored front position of carts.

You had to call Shogun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahdv6l/in_feudal_japan_there_was_a_system_that/
%
New research

Shows Amish people have lower rates of cyber bullying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahdsax/new_research/
%
A man walks into the doctors office...

Man: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment.
Receptionist: How about 10 tomorrow?
Man: No thanks, I don’t need that many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahdq5u/a_man_walks_into_the_doctors_office/
%
Everyone told Beethoven he can't compose because he was deaf

But he didn't listen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahdq5o/everyone_told_beethoven_he_cant_compose_because/
%
I just got out of a relationship with a girl who had Parkinson’s

The relationship wasn’t very steady but the handjobs were great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahdndj/i_just_got_out_of_a_relationship_with_a_girl_who/
%
Terrible jokes for your entertainment.

A little boy walks into his parents bedroom while they're having sex.
He asked them, "What are you two doing?" The mother replies, "We are baking a cake. "
The little boy is satisfied with this answer and goes to bed.
A few weeks later he approaches his mother and asks, "Were you and dad baking a cake on the couch last night?"
The mother is shocked, thinking her son was asleep the previous night. "Yes," she replied, "how did you know?"
The little boy replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch last night and it tasted weird. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahdl9b/terrible_jokes_for_your_entertainment/
%
A traveler arrives in a remote village

He receives a warm welcome. The villagers gather around him, asking him to tell them about his adventures.
"Well.. what do you want to know?" he asked.
After a brief pause, they answered:
"Tell us what animals did you see?"
"What animals do you know?" He asked them.
After some thought, the villagers answered:
"We know donkey" They started pointing at a donkey carelessly standing in the village yard.
"Yes, donkey.. we know donkey". They answered in unison.
The traveler stared at the donkey, trying to remember any interesting encounters.
"Well, I've been to Africa and I saw a zebra"
"What is that? What's a zebra?"
"How should I explain this?" He thought whilst looking around, until his eyes fixed on the donkey.
"You know donkey, right?"
"Yes, yes. We know donkey!" They said, Smiling and nodding.
"Imagine: donkey... white, with black stripes. That's a zebra".
"Wow.. what else did you see?" They asked, mesmerized by the new information.
"I've been to Australia and I've seen kangaroo"
"What's kangaroo?" They asked, eyes and mouths wide open.
Again he thought of the best explanation. Again the donkey caught his eyes. This time, the donkey looked back at him and they stared awkwardly at each other for a moment.
"You know donkey, right?"
"Yes, yes. We know donkey!"
"Imagine: donkey… standing on two feet, hopping around"
"Amazing. Tell us more!" the villagers were in complete astonishment such animals exist.
"Also, I've been to Brazil and I saw a python"
"What's a python?"
A moment of silence. He looks at the donkey. Thinks for a brief moment…
"You know donkey, right?"
"Yes, yes. We know donkey!"
"Imagine: donkey… gone! cock remains."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahdgs0/a_traveler_arrives_in_a_remote_village/
%
I just found out my little brother has been forced to smoke at school by some mad french foreign exchange student.

It was Pierre pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahdf0x/i_just_found_out_my_little_brother_has_been/
%
There were three guys in Hell - Iranian, American, and a Chinese man.

They asked Satan to let them call their family. The American called and talked for 10 minutes. He payed $1,000. The Chinaman called and talked for 15 minutes. He payed $2,000. The Iranian talked for an hour and only paid $10. The other men complained and Satan responded, "A call from Hell to Hell is local.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahdesi/there_were_three_guys_in_hell_iranian_american/
%
If you fart and sneeze at the same time...

your body will capture a screenshot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahdczu/if_you_fart_and_sneeze_at_the_same_time/
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What does a penis and a rubik cube have in common.

The more you play with them the harder they get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahdcra/what_does_a_penis_and_a_rubik_cube_have_in_common/
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A nun goes out to play golf (long)

A nun steps into a confession booth and asks the priest to forgive her for she has taken the lords name in vein. The priest say what happened sister?
She explains that she was out playing golf and hit a beautiful drive right into the center of the fairway.
The priest says "Golf can get quite exciting at times, but even after you have an amazing shot you should praise the lord, not use his name in vein."
The nun says "No no father.. as we were approaching the ball a squirrel grabbed it and started running toward the woods.
The priest says "Sister the game of golf can be pretty daunting, but losing a ball isn't a reason to use the lords name in vein.
The nun says "No father, after the squirrel ran toward the woods with my ball an owl snagged the squirrel and carried him high into the sky."
The priest says "Sister taking a drop and a stroke penalty can be a hard pill to swallow, but this isn't a reason to use the lords name in vein.
The nun says "No father, mid-flight the squirrel dropped the ball and it landed directly on the green only a few feet from the cup!"
The priest replies "Don't tell me you missed the God Damn putt..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahdc93/a_nun_goes_out_to_play_golf_long/
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What do feline submarines have?

Purriscopes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahd986/what_do_feline_submarines_have/
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You have to give Prince Phillip credit for his driving record....

He hasn’t been involved in any other accidents since 1997.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahd2rb/you_have_to_give_prince_phillip_credit_for_his/
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How can you tell your blonde secretary is having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahd1zl/how_can_you_tell_your_blonde_secretary_is_having/
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Look, anything is funny with the right delivery.

Except abortion jokes, which by definition have no delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahd1bg/look_anything_is_funny_with_the_right_delivery/
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A Democrat, a Republican and a guy with hemmerhoids walk into a bar...

They're all butthurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahcyro/a_democrat_a_republican_and_a_guy_with/
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What spell does Harry Potter use for constipation?

Expelli-anus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahcxld/what_spell_does_harry_potter_use_for_constipation/
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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking weed.

The judge says: "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday to see how you got on"
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy: "How did you do over the weekend?"
Guy 1: "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever"
Judge: "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
Guy 1: "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this; O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
Guy 2: "Well, your honor, I persuaded 350 young guys to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "350 people! How did you manage to do that?"
Guy 2: "Well, I used a similar diagram, I drew two circles like this; o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before prison.............."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahcxbd/two_young_guys_appear_in_court_after_being/
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6 was afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahcv14/6_was_afraid_of_7_because_7_ate_9_but_why_did_7/
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Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four it'd be a sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahcqmv/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_two_doors/
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Why did the warden cancel the prison writing contest?

There were too many cons and not enough prose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahcj12/why_did_the_warden_cancel_the_prison_writing/
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So, I was at the bar last night

and the waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?"
I replied "Hell, not only that, I know the entire alphabet"
Everyone laughed
Well, except for this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahciob/so_i_was_at_the_bar_last_night/
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Don't say "Part A" backwards.

It's a trap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahchvp/dont_say_part_a_backwards/
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What is Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album?

Dark side of the Moon, for it's eclectic instrumentation and higher than average production values.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahchvw/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_pink_floyd_album/
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"You've got a kitchen counter at home, right?"

"Yes?"
"How many kitchens do you have?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahc6bk/youve_got_a_kitchen_counter_at_home_right/
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I asked the doctor for my wife’s test results

Me: Hello doctor, I was calling to see if you have my wife’s test results?
Doctor: Yes I do, however, the test results came a bit unclear — your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s
Me: Wow, so what should I do?
Doctor: Take her out for a drive and drop her off a few miles from home, if she comes back, don’t have sex with her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahc3sk/i_asked_the_doctor_for_my_wifes_test_results/
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So, Gina has just got married....

So, Gina has just got married, and like a traditional Italian, she was a virgin. Ok her wedding night, at her mothers house, she was nervous! As she spoke to her mother, she reassured Gina:
“Don’t worry, Tony is a good man. He will take care of you.”
So up she went, and when she got there, he took off his shirt, exposing his hairy chest. Gina quickly ran to her mother
“Mama mama! Tony has a hairy chest!” She cried.
“Don’t worry” said her mother “all good men have hairy chests. Go back to him, and he will take care of you.”
So back she went, and when she got there, Tony took of his trousers, exposing his hairy legs. Again, in a panic, she ran to her mother; “mama mama! Tony has hairy legs!” Her mother replied
“Don’t worry, Tony is a good man, go back to him and he will take care of you.”
So back she went. When she arrived, Tony proceeded to take off his socks. On his left food, he had 3 toes missing. She ran back to her mother, aghast; “Mama, mama! Tony has a foot and a half!”
Mama turned, and replied “Gina,stay here and stir the pasta, this is a job for Mama.”
Sorry, phone formatting is poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahbzgs/so_gina_has_just_got_married/
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I was on a flight a few weeks ago, and our descent was very turbulent, followed by a hard landing that was quite jarring.

Once on the ground, our flight attendant announced, "Well, folks, that wasn't my fault, and it wasn't the captain's fault, but it was definitely the as-phalt."
The passenger reactions were a mix of chuckles and groans.
Shoutout to our Southwest Airlines flight crew from BUR-LAS flight 4606, good job keeping things safe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahbxrf/i_was_on_a_flight_a_few_weeks_ago_and_our_descent/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, he’s not quite an essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahbslf/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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A man wants to get rid of his cat.

So he drives the cat to the other side of the town and abandons him. When he gets home, he finds the cat in the living room.
Frustrated, he decides to drive a full hour, gets to the countryside and abandons the cat. Once again, he gets home and finds the cat in the living room.
The man gets so appalled he enters crazy mode and decides to drive the cat all around the country for days, getting to the middle of nowhere.
Shortly after he abandons the cat again, now certain that the cat won't return home, he finds himself lost.
He then calls his wife. "Is there any chance that cat is there?... Yes? So put that bastard on the phone because I need to ask him for directions!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahbo71/a_man_wants_to_get_rid_of_his_cat/
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Someone said Trump was against change. I disagree

Just look at his wives!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahbno3/someone_said_trump_was_against_change_i_disagree/
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What do fashionable apes wear in the jungle?

Dolce and Banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahbne7/what_do_fashionable_apes_wear_in_the_jungle/
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I hosted a silent disco party in my apartment

I got a complaint from the mime next door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahbljl/i_hosted_a_silent_disco_party_in_my_apartment/
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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck..

and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahbkvs/a_bus_carrying_only_ugly_people_crashes_into_an/
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Mafia Lawyer

A Mafia godfather finds out his bookkeeper has screwed him for 10 million bucks.  This bookkeeper is deaf.  It was considered an occupational benefit and why he got the job in the first place as it was assumed a deaf bookkeeper wouldn’t be able to hear anything he’d ever have to testify about in court.
When the godfather goes to shake down the bookkeeper for his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.  The godfather asks the bookkeeper, “Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10 million is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney tells the godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
That’s when the godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it and says, “Ask him again!”
The attorney signs to the underling, “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”
The bookkeeper signs back, “OK!  You win!  The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzio’s backyard in Queens!”
The godfather asks the attorney, “Well, what’d he say?”
The attorney replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahbjye/mafia_lawyer/
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Why mexicans cant cross the border in threes?

No trespassing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahba20/why_mexicans_cant_cross_the_border_in_threes/
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Construction Worker working alone

A construction worker works by himself on the twentieth floor of a building being built. Everything is going fine, until one day he realizes he needs a hand saw. Not having one, the closest worker with one is on the first floor, and since they have not yet installed an elevator, and 20th floor guy would have to go all the way down to get it. Feeling lazy, he tries calling the other guy up.
20th: HEY! I NEED A HANDSAW! I NEED A HANDSAW!
The 1st floor guy sees him, but cannot hear him. So 20th floor guy decides to try sign language. He points first at his eye, then at his knee, and finally makes a sawing motion. 1st floor guy observes him... then whips out his dick and starts masterbating.
20th floor guy is LIVID. He runs down to the 1st floor guy and goes:
20th: HEY! WHAT THE FUCK MATE? I SAID I NEED A HANDSAW!
1st: I know! I was telling you, im coming, im coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahb5bv/construction_worker_working_alone/
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A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahb1lg/a_man_sees_a_sign_outside_a_house_talking_dog_for/
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How many parties does it take to run a democratic nation?

Two, one to... just kidding you can't run a democratic nation on two parties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahazx5/how_many_parties_does_it_take_to_run_a_democratic/
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A man is walking down the beach...

...and he sees this woman there lying on a beach towel, all on her own.
As he gets closer, he notices that she doesn't have any arms or legs, and that she is crying. Out of slight pity he approaches her.
"Excuse me" the man says, "are you ok?"
"No!" The woman replied, "all my friends left me on my own, to go be with those life guards over there".
Sure enough, he looks over at a few people in various states of undress, holding each other tightly.
The woman continues "Then, when they left me, some kids came over and threw rocks at me, the broke my nose!", and sure enough he could see fresh blood around her face.
"But to top it all off, seagulls landed in my head, and shit in my hair!", and rightly there was fresh guano right on top of her head.
"Well, this just isn't your day!" Said the man, unzipping his trousers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahazpj/a_man_is_walking_down_the_beach/
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I spend two years a broad

I still have no idea how to walk in high heels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahaygf/i_spend_two_years_a_broad/
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A man is

brought into the ER, yelling out gibberish. "0x0048 0x0045 0x004c 0x0050 0x0032 0x004d 0x0045 0x0021"
The doctor took one look at him and said, "Someone has put a hex on this man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahav9a/a_man_is/
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A Jew living in the Soviet Union applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.
“I see that you applied to move to Israel?” asks the KGB officer. The Jewish man nods.
“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
“Yeah, yeah, I can’t complain.”
“And here in Russia, don’t you have job to work at?”
“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
“So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?”
“Because There I *can* complain!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahatrm/a_jew_living_in_the_soviet_union_applies_for_an/
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I competed in a contest to see who could throw a package the farthest.

I won and got the job as an UPS driver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahaqk4/i_competed_in_a_contest_to_see_who_could_throw_a/
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The Sunday School teacher was explaining Sodom and Gomorrah.

TEACHER: "And God told Lot to take his wife and flee out of the city, but not to look back. But Lot's wife looked back, and turned into a pillar of salt."
The children were obviously shocked. One tentatively raised his hand.
TEACHER: "Yes, Billy?"
BILLY: "But what happened to the flea?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahaodc/the_sunday_school_teacher_was_explaining_sodom/
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Johnny getting his monies worth!!!

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The fucker used coins!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahamor/johnny_getting_his_monies_worth/
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What do you say when your sister begs you to have sex with her? [NSFW]

Well, if you incest!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahajqm/what_do_you_say_when_your_sister_begs_you_to_have/
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They say your body is a temple, and mine is the Temple of Aphrodite...

Destroyed and in ruins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahahhn/they_say_your_body_is_a_temple_and_mine_is_the/
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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahagu6/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_to_israel_to_live/
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What's the difference between a libertarian wedding and a libertarian funeral?

One less opinion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahagn8/whats_the_difference_between_a_libertarian/
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Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.
Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"
Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"
He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live.
As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, request that's always granted by the two.
Every time they stop to a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person.
At sunset the devil sees that Jack was very tired and decides to show him the house he'll be spending the rest of eternity into.
As they walk to Jack's new house the two pass close to a huge wall and Jack asks: "What's behind there?"
Satan: "Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind"
Despite his curiosity Jack thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he'd be back the following morning to show him the recreational center before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day.
That night however Jack kept thinking back at the whole situation he's in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day.
After a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn't even tell him he decided he should investigate, as such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was.
Once there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall.
Jack took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be.
On the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help.
Jack rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair.
The following morning Satan showed up once again and told Jack to come with him.
Jack pleaded: "PLEASE! PLEASE! Don't take me to hell, I'll do anything just let me stay here, I don't wanna burn for all eternity!"
Satan: "What are you talking about??? I'm just gonna show you the recreational center like I told you yesterday"
Jack: "Don't lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!"
Satan: "Ooooh you saw that! Don't worry that's not for you, that's the Christian hell"
Jack: "The christian hell? Why would the christian hell be like that?"
Satan: "I don't know either man, they just want it that way"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahagib/jack_a_renown_atheist_dies/
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Some guy over the phone asked for my credit card details.

"Sure," I said. "It's blue and there's bits of cocaine on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahagem/some_guy_over_the_phone_asked_for_my_credit_card/
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One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got his problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said..........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahafx5/one_day_in_the_future_donald_trump_has_a/
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Unvaccinated children are less likely to get sick After the age of 20

because they're dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ahafsu/unvaccinated_children_are_less_likely_to_get_sick/
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Doctors hate this one easy trick to lose 15 lbs fast!

The flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aha8jx/doctors_hate_this_one_easy_trick_to_lose_15_lbs/
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Why is mother always right?

Cause dad's left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aha74o/why_is_mother_always_right/
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What's the difference from when you've just started school, to when you've completed a philosophy degree?

When you just start school you know nothing about anything. But when you complete a philosophy degree you know everything about nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aha4rv/whats_the_difference_from_when_youve_just_started/
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An old man suddenly had a heart attack

He lays on the floor while bystanders gather around, some calling 911 for an ambulance.
One person shouts "Is anybody here a doctor or knows first aid?"
No one responded, only glancing at the ones around them hoping for a miracle.
Then a young man comes along, walks up to the old man in pain and slides his hand under the old man's back. He withdrew his hand shortly and within a few seconds the old man relaxed and sat up, seemingly having recovered from a fatal heart attack.
Everyone was in shock and praised the young man. Someone in the applauding crowd asked "What did you do?"
Before the young man responded he went to the old man and said he was going to be okay. He then picked something up from behind the old man.
"Well you see," said the young man as he lifted his wristwatch, "Nobody dies on my watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aha4nw/an_old_man_suddenly_had_a_heart_attack/
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If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.

However, if you want nothing said or done, ask a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9zgn/if_you_want_something_said_ask_a_man_if_you_want/
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A man is on a taxi to the airport.

"Please hurry i need to get to there as soon as i can." he said to the driver.
"Easy,  sir. Why are you so hurry?" reply the driver.
"Im gonna late for the flight, now drive faster please." the man said.
"What flight are you on then?" the driver keep asking.
"The flight 696 now please shut up and drive" the man reply in angry.
"Then worry not, sir. I was at the airport 30mins ago and heard that the flight 696 will be delayed until further notice" the driver said.
"Yes because im the pilot of that flight" the man reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9yth/a_man_is_on_a_taxi_to_the_airport/
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An Englishman and an American are trekking through the jungle when they’re captured by a fierce tribe of cannibals.

The leader of the cannibals tells the duo he and his tribe will eat them unless they go into the jungle and collect 100 pieces of fruit in an hour. The American and the Englishman agree and they each go into the woods. The Englishman is the first to return, carrying a 100 berries in his arms.
“Now”, the tribe leader tells him, “I want you to put all of those berries in your ass without laughing. If you laugh we’ll eat you” And so the Englishman diligently sets of on his task. A couple of minutes later he is about to put the last berry in his ass. He bursts out laughing.
At the heavens gate the Englishman stands in front of Petrus. Who asks him: “you were so close, why did you start laughing.” “Well I saw the American coming out of the bushes carrying one hundred coconuts in his arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9y84/an_englishman_and_an_american_are_trekking/
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Men think about sex every 7 seconds...

Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9wri/men_think_about_sex_every_7_seconds/
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Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.
"I'm sorry, Captain Smith, but we cannot let you go." General Jones says. "You are responsible for the death of so many of my men. But we do respect your abilities and what you do for the love of your country, so we will make sure you are comfortable and well-treated. But tomorrow, you face the firing squad but will be given due honors befitting an officer's death. Do you have any last wishes?"
Captain Smith puts down his glass of bourbon and says, "I do, let me speak with my horse."
Intrigued by this request, General Jones leads him out to the stables. Captain Smith takes the horse by the reins and whispers into its ears. The horse whickers and trots out towards the gate. Still intrigued, General Jones waves off the guard that tries to stop the horse and the horse walks out of the garrison.
Two hours later, the horse returns with a lovely lady on it. Captain Smith cries out and embraces his wife. Quickly understanding (and much nudge-nudge, wink-wink with his fellow Confederates), General Jones welcomes the captain's wife and proclaims that he too is married and completely understands, sorry about tomorrow, but they may make generous use of his very own quarters.
The couple spends the night at the general's quarters and, come dawn, Captain Smith is paraded onto the grounds where a squad of soldiers are loading their rifles. A priest prays with the captain and then he is brought to the general.
"Captain, have you any last words?" the general asks.
"I do, General Smith, but I would say it to my horse." Captain Smith says.
At the general's assenting nod, Captain Smith walks up to his horse, grabs it by the ears and screams, "Posse! I said bring me my posse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9w9f/captain_smith_is_an_officer_of_the_union_army/
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How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They only *talk* about change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9stp/how_many_democrats_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Lie Detector

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.  His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.  One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.  It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son returned home from school.  Tommy was over 2 hours late.  “Where have you been?  Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” they asked.
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.  The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
“Son, this robot is a lie detector; now tell us where you went after school.”
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.”
“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy.  The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.  With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied.  We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”
“I’m ashamed of you Son,” said John.  “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”  The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. “Boy, did you ever ask for that one!  And you can’t be too mad with Tommy.  After all, he is your son!”
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9s5q/lie_detector/
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I don't think I could be vegetarian.

It would be a big missed steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9qd4/i_dont_think_i_could_be_vegetarian/
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After being sent to prison, I quickly earned the nickname "Mitochondria."

I was the powerhouse of the cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9pdw/after_being_sent_to_prison_i_quickly_earned_the/
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A new discovery in the medical field has now yielded nymphomanics new hope to combat their urges...

Studies shows that cryotherapy is a great way to chill the fuck out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9m27/a_new_discovery_in_the_medical_field_has_now/
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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9m1w/i_was_in_the_park_with_my_dog_and_i_said_to_this/
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What do you get when you mix a penis and a potato?

Dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9l48/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_penis_and_a_potato/
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Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus asks for a table for 26.
The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”
Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9jt5/jesus_and_his_disciples_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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I never believed that chiropractors could solve my back problems

2 weeks later, I stand corrected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9jgo/i_never_believed_that_chiropractors_could_solve/
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A man in a truck is speeding, looking quite frantic, and gets pulled over by police...

A man in a truck is speeding, looking quite frantic, and gets pulled over by a policeman.
The policeman walks over to the truck, where he can see, to his surprise, there are 50 ducks.
He asks the man why he was speeding. The man replies, "I've got so many ducks, and I don't know what to do with them! Their quacking is driving me insane!"
The policeman takes pity on the man, suggests he take the ducks to a zoo, and lets the man go.
The next day, the man is driving erratically again, and so the policeman pulls him over once more. He walks over to the truck, and to his surprise, sees the 50 ducks, all wearing sunglasses.
"I thought I told you to take these ducks to the zoo?" Says the policeman.
"I did!" Cries the man, "and today they want to go to the beach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9hqt/a_man_in_a_truck_is_speeding_looking_quite/
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You can’t run in a campsite, you can only ran

Because it’s past tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9h9p/you_cant_run_in_a_campsite_you_can_only_ran/
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Three construction workers, an Italian, a Mexican and a Redneck, were sitting on a steel beam at the top of a skyscraper they were building. It was lunchtime. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and sees that he has spaghetti and meatballs.

"Son of a bitch!" he says. "Spaghetti and meatballs again. Everyday it's spaghetti and meatballs. I swear if I get spaghetti and meatballs again tomorrow I'm going to commit suicide by jumping off this building."
The Mexican worker opens up his lunch box and sees a burrito. "Damnit!" he says. "Another damn burrito, I'm so tired of burritos, If I have to eat a burrito again tomorrow I'm going to jump off of this building and commit suicide."
The Redneck worker opens his lunch box and sees a bologna sandwich. "Shit!!!, another damn bologna sandwich. If I get another bologna sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to commit suicide."
The next day during lunch hour, they are sitting on the same steel beam. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and finds spaghetti and meatballs. Without saying a word he closes the box and throws himself off of the beam and drops twenty floors to his death. The Mexican worker opens his box, finds a burrito, closes the box and jumps to his death. The Redneck worker opens his box and finds a bologna sandwich, closes the box and jumps to his death.
A couple of days later the families of all three workers meet at the cemetery just after the funerals.
The Italian worker's wife was crying. "Oh, if only I had known how he felt about the spaghetti and meatballs, I could have fixed him a muffalotta and he would still be here today."
The Mexican worker's wife said, "I could have fixed my husband a taco or an enchilada and he would be here with me today."
There was a moment of silence while everybody was waiting for the Redneck worker's wife to comment.
"Don't look at me!" she said. "He fixes his own lunch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9h2k/three_construction_workers_an_italian_a_mexican/
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The flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board and reports it to the Captain

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!
There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous! "
The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9ei3/the_flight_attendant_sees_a_suspicious_couple_on/
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A man wants to get a sex toy for his wife while he's out of town...

So the man heads to a sex toy store. After a while browsing he goes to the man at the counter and asked if he had any thing that would keep his wife entertained while he was out of town for a couple weeks, the man replies with "I've got just the thing. It's called a voodoo dildo." The man was sceptical and asked if he could see it. The man at the counter lifts up a box and opens it and says "voodoo dildo the front door". The voodoo dildo the races out of the box and proceeds to smash the door in the key hole. The man Impressed with the voodoo dildo buys it. As he buys it the man at the checkout warns "the only way to make it stop is to say voodoo dildo box" when he said this the dildo (which was still smashing the door) flew back into its box and stopped moving.
It's a few days later and the man is out of town and the wife is feeling horny and is thinking about hiring a male prostitute when she remembers the dildo. She gets the dildo out and says voodoo dildo my pussy and it proceeds to start to pump after 45 minutes and 3 orgasms the wife wants to stop however she can't remember what her husband told about how to make it stop. Worried she starts driving thinking maybe the hospital might help. On the way there she has another orgasm and begins to swerve all over the road. A cop sees this and pulls her over he proceeds to ask her what here excuse for driving like the was to which she replies "there's a voodoo dildo in my vigina" the cop then replies sarcastically "voodoo dildo my arse"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah99jn/a_man_wants_to_get_a_sex_toy_for_his_wife_while/
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How dads of kenya motivates their kids?

by saying: 'kenya do this?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah98dn/how_dads_of_kenya_motivates_their_kids/
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A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah97g7/a_couple_of_cows_were_smoking_a_joint_and_playing/
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What did I do when Iraq was attacked?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah9613/what_did_i_do_when_iraq_was_attacked/
%
My girlfriend masturbates with plantains

She's fuckin bananas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah95yo/my_girlfriend_masturbates_with_plantains/
%
What did Earth say to the other planets?

Wow. You guys have no life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah94y7/what_did_earth_say_to_the_other_planets/
%
I bought my girlfriend a vacuum cleaner

but it's just been gathering dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah93o3/i_bought_my_girlfriend_a_vacuum_cleaner/
%
Two stoners are talking about religion, "Dude. Did you know that like, uh, God, he has a name?" The other replies, "Really dude? No way!"

The first answers, "Yahweh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah92um/two_stoners_are_talking_about_religion_dude_did/
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What did the blonde's left thigh say to the right?

"Hi, I don't think we've met"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah8xjm/what_did_the_blondes_left_thigh_say_to_the_right/
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A common chefs error

Is to think they must always add salt to a sauce before boiling it down. This is the fallacy of reductive seasoning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah8wit/a_common_chefs_error/
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What's the difference between a gay person and a Republican?

The Republican gets butthurt when OTHER people receive sodomy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah8vin/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_person_and_a/
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The Devil’s Offer

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”
The lawyer thought for a moment. “So what’s the catch?” he asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah8ra3/the_devils_offer/
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A man on trial for murdering his wife of 20 years.

Judge: "Why did you kill your wife after 20 years of marriage?"
Defendant:"Laziness, your honor."
Judge:"What do you mean"
Defendant:"Well, I kept procrastinating it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah8pre/a_man_on_trial_for_murdering_his_wife_of_20_years/
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A Blonde Joke

Two ladies, blonde and a brunette, meet up for lunch. The Brunette tells the blonde that she just had sex with a Brazilian. The Blonde excitedly exclaims, "Oh my god! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah8p5c/a_blonde_joke/
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Girl and her dad are driving around, when an aisle of women leaving a fashion show suddenly walk onto the road, nearly being hit by them.

Girl says: "That was pretty fucking clothes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah8nza/girl_and_her_dad_are_driving_around_when_an_aisle/
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How do you know if you are a privileged white straight male?

A feminist will tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah8nxj/how_do_you_know_if_you_are_a_privileged_white/
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Heard this joke a long time ago in highschool.. when band aid and Ethiopia were big news..

Ahmed runs a little eatery in Ethiopia.
One day, just when he was about to close up, an Ethiopian runs in, grab a plastic fork from the self serve area and runs out.. before Ahmed can process whether he's just been robbed.. another runs in, grab a fork but this time, the Ethiopian says thanks and runs out again..
Just as Ahmed was about to go out to see what happening, a third one runs in, grab a spoon but as Ahmed was near the door, he was able to grab the guy before he runs out..
'look.. what's going on?  I've had two guys grabbed a fork, ran out and you are grabbing a spoon?..
The guy struggles and go, 'someone just threw up and I was a little late so all the chunky bits are gone..!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah8gop/heard_this_joke_a_long_time_ago_in_highschool/
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ISIS is slowly becoming

WasWas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah8fs6/isis_is_slowly_becoming/
%
How did the telephone propose to its girlfriend?

He gave her a ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah8bxp/how_did_the_telephone_propose_to_its_girlfriend/
%
Parody of “Jinga Bells”

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah8b55/parody_of_jinga_bells/
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What would be the main event at the immigrant olympics?

Cross country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah89hk/what_would_be_the_main_event_at_the_immigrant/
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Husband doing crosswords with his wife

Husband: emphatic no, five letters
Wife: never
H: pistol, three letters
W: gun
H: disgust, three letters
W: ugh
H: charity, four letters
W: give
H: female sheep, three letters
W: ewe
H: Pixar movie, two letters
W: Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah889y/husband_doing_crosswords_with_his_wife/
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When is a General not a General?

When he's being specific!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah87tt/when_is_a_general_not_a_general/
%
Sunrise Yoga

I’m on vacation with my wife and she asks me “do you want to join me for sunrise yoga tomorrow?”
I replied ‘namaste in bed’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah87kj/sunrise_yoga/
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If Shrek had been an average movie, it would’ve been

Mediogre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah85n3/if_shrek_had_been_an_average_movie_it_wouldve_been/
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Visiting the Doctor

Went in to see the Doctor the other day, just a regular check up. He asked if i could remove my clothes and i said "sure Doctor where would you like me to put them" and he turned to me and said "You can put them just over there next to mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah84sc/visiting_the_doctor/
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My brother’s just been talked into smoking by a french exchange student.

Talk about Pierre pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah83pm/my_brothers_just_been_talked_into_smoking_by_a/
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Got it :D haha

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
she: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah820d/got_it_d_haha/
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When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.

In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah81va/when_i_was_a_teen_i_was_addicted_to_masturbation/
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I finally confronted the colleague drinking whole pot of common office coffee

How do you even sleep at night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah80qs/i_finally_confronted_the_colleague_drinking_whole/
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Smoked pot in my car and a cop arrives......

Cop : How high are you ?
Me : No officer! It's hi how are you ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah7yyh/smoked_pot_in_my_car_and_a_cop_arrives/
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How can you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?

Ask them to pronounce unionized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah7ysp/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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Did you hear about the ghost that tried out to be a porn star?

She had really nice booooooooobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah7uip/did_you_hear_about_the_ghost_that_tried_out_to_be/
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What does the Freudian monk chant while meditating?

MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!
(Sorry if repost, I just thought of this, but I can't be the first)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah7uen/what_does_the_freudian_monk_chant_while_meditating/
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I’m like Dr. Strange without the PHD and magic cape.

Strange...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah7ty7/im_like_dr_strange_without_the_phd_and_magic_cape/
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[NSFW] Tow best friends where on a skiing trip together with their wives.

During the after ski, the men decide it would be a good idea to go to bed with each others wives. The men whom had been drinking both though this was a fantastic idea. They both agreed to make a competition out of it. Whom could make the others wife climax the most times wins.
Not to draw suspicion to the wives, who did not know about it, they would at breakfast digg their knife in the butter as many times as they made the others wife climax.
One of the men knew his wife was on here period and that his friend would most likely not get any of it. He was confidant that he most certainly would win this bet.
The night passed and the both men meet at breakfast. The first man proudly dug his knife in the butter 3 times, with a huge grin on his face.
His grin faded quickly as his friend dug the knife 5 times in the strawberry jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah7swg/nsfw_tow_best_friends_where_on_a_skiing_trip/
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What's the difference between light and hard?

I can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah7qm4/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of “many”

It means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah7q38/i_wanted_to_thank_everyone_for_sticking_with_me/
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I'm very close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah7nxe/im_very_close_friends_with_25_letters_of_the/
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Knock knock

Who’s there?
Suy
Suy who?
*Soviet National Anthem starts blasting*
SUYEZ NE NARUSHUMEY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah7lcr/knock_knock/
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What has one eye and two asses?

Assassin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah7krc/what_has_one_eye_and_two_asses/
%
My doctor asked if I wanted one more chromosome.

I said I'd be down with that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah7ep9/my_doctor_asked_if_i_wanted_one_more_chromosome/
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What do prostitutes and chicken farmers have in common?

They both raise cocks for profit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah7agt/what_do_prostitutes_and_chicken_farmers_have_in/
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I’m not a huge fan of poop jokes

But they’re a solid number 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah79tu/im_not_a_huge_fan_of_poop_jokes/
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So I met a girl at a bar and we ended up hooking up......

We were going at it hot and heavy and soon the pants came off. One look at her woman parts and I just couldn't stop myself. I blurted out "Damn you've got a huge pussy! Damn you've got a huge pussy!"
Shocked, she responded "Yeah, I have heard that, but you didn't have to say it twice."
Almost not believing it myself, I responded, "I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah76am/so_i_met_a_girl_at_a_bar_and_we_ended_up_hooking/
%
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.

On top of it, I am permanently banned from the maternity ward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah75uq/my_wife_is_furious_at_me_for_throwing_a_snowball/
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In New Orleans, an apple pie is $5.94, while in San Juan, it's $3.99.

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah752k/in_new_orleans_an_apple_pie_is_594_while_in_san/
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Everyone told Beethoven he can't compose because he was deaf

But he didn't listen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah7360/everyone_told_beethoven_he_cant_compose_because/
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A man is pulled over by a cop on the suspicion that the man is Driving Under the Influence.

Cop: Are you high?
Man: Am I what?
Cop: High.
Man: Hello.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah6zub/a_man_is_pulled_over_by_a_cop_on_the_suspicion/
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What do Donald Trump & the Kool-Aid Man have in common?

They are both loud, artifically colored, and obsessed with walls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah6zqz/what_do_donald_trump_the_koolaid_man_have_in/
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Husband: " When I die, I would like it to be while having sex."

Wife: "At least we know it would be over quick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah6xzp/husband_when_i_die_i_would_like_it_to_be_while/
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What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their number one hit was The Wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah6qln/what_do_dale_earnhardt_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
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When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears, so you can imagine how terrified I was...

...of cockroaches...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah6pcu/when_i_was_young_i_used_to_think_earwigs_actually/
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Tom Cruise is making a movie about distilling moonshine during prohibition

It’s called Whisky Business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah6ltg/tom_cruise_is_making_a_movie_about_distilling/
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Retired Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to the room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"How's that?" he asks. She says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah6kle/retired_sailor/
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What do you call a closet full of lesbians?

A lick-her cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah6is9/what_do_you_call_a_closet_full_of_lesbians/
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And then the fight started....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah6dq3/and_then_the_fight_started/
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I got a job at the zoo circumcising Elephants.

The pay sucks but the tips are huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah6ctz/i_got_a_job_at_the_zoo_circumcising_elephants/
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A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked.

He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.
The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.
"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."
So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got "minus pi times r square."
He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper:
"Switch the limits of the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah6coc/a_professor_of_mathematics_noticed_that_his/
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An anti vaxxer tried the 10 year challenge...

I guess it wouldn't be a challenge if it wasn't hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah6adb/an_anti_vaxxer_tried_the_10_year_challenge/
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The other day I beat my son at dominos.

I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah69m7/the_other_day_i_beat_my_son_at_dominos/
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I have the eye of a tiger, and the heart of a lion.

I also have a permanent ban from the zoo, and a few restraining orders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah67w6/i_have_the_eye_of_a_tiger_and_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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My lifelong friend had never been kissed..

My lifelong friend and I were hiking around some hills and cliff-sides when she suddenly stopped and turned to the edge of the cliff. I asked her,
“Hey, what’s on your mind?”
She replied,
“I’ve never been kissed in my life and it’s suddenly hit me”
So naturally being a good friend I approached and gave her a kiss on the cheek; to which she smiled and replied,
“I’ve also never been hugged”
I extended both arms around her and brought her into my chest for a hug; to which she smiled and replied with a smirk,
“I’ve never been fucked..”
I returned the smile and then pushed her over the edge of the cliff towards the water below shouting,
“NOW YOU’RE FUCKED!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah666a/my_lifelong_friend_had_never_been_kissed/
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When I have a headache, I take an Advil and follow the instructions on the bottle:

"KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
(based on Kauffman, G. and Blakeley M. eds. 1980. Pulling Our Own Strings. Page 51)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah61co/when_i_have_a_headache_i_take_an_advil_and_follow/
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Elderly Man

An elderly man was stopped by a policeman around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
He replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? And just who gives that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah5xzb/elderly_man/
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If a red head works in a bakery

Does that make him a ginger bread man?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah5xe3/if_a_red_head_works_in_a_bakery/
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Mickey Mouse is talking to his lawyer

So Mickey Mouse is talking to his lawyer and his lawyer says, “I’m sorry Mickey you can’t divorce Minnie on the grounds that she is incredibly silly.” Mickey replies “I didn’t say she’s incredibly silly, I said she’s fucking Goofy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah5w8z/mickey_mouse_is_talking_to_his_lawyer/
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A man knocks on the door.

A small boy answers the door wearing a nothing but a fedora and cowboy boots, carrying a bottle of Jack Daniels and smoking a cigar.
The man says " are your parents home,  little boy?"
Little boy says" does it fucking look like they're home?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah5v1q/a_man_knocks_on_the_door/
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An old man lay dying in his bed.

In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. He crawled down the
stairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mind, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula held by his wife.
“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah5uyo/an_old_man_lay_dying_in_his_bed/
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My date let out a huge fart. I looked at her and she said

"You wouldn't believe how wet I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah5uj5/my_date_let_out_a_huge_fart_i_looked_at_her_and/
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Yesterday I was attacked in an alleyway by four mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah5uei/yesterday_i_was_attacked_in_an_alleyway_by_four/
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Being a man is much better than being a woman

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah5ubs/being_a_man_is_much_better_than_being_a_woman/
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How Was I Born

Cyrus asks: “Daddy, how was I born?”
Dad says: “Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
You see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded
room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I finished uploading,
we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: You’ve Got Male!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah5nde/how_was_i_born/
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An atheist goes for a walk in the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah5m0q/an_atheist_goes_for_a_walk_in_the_woods/
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Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical marijuana store

I’ll call it glazed and confused

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah5j4p/going_to_open_up_a_donut_shop_next_to_a_medical/
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A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas . . .

. . . orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “it’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah5g10/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_in_texas/
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My boss asked the difference between logging in vs logging on ...

I replied "It is only the amount of I/O required."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah5e1u/my_boss_asked_the_difference_between_logging_in/
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A Husband and his Wife were out walking in the park.

While walking a Man comes up from behind them, pulls a gun on them, grabs the Wife and forces the Husband back. The Man tells the Husband to draw a circle around himself and tells him that if he steps out of that circle his wife will be shot. The Man turns, then proceeds to assault the wife. While the Man is forcing himself on the Wife he notices the Husband chuckling. The Man continues to assault the wife but over her screams he still hears the husband chuckling. Enraged, the Man turns back to the Husband.
"I'm over here trying rape your wife!"
He yells
"What the fuck are you laughing about?"
The Husband, almost busting with laughter tells the Man...
"While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah57j2/a_husband_and_his_wife_were_out_walking_in_the/
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A man moves out to the countryside.

A man moves out to the countryside from the big city.
While he is moving in a neighbor up the street stops by and introduces himself.
The two men chat it up for a few minutes and then the neighbor leaves.
These interactions happen several times over the next few weeks until one day the neighbor says:
Neighbor: “hey I’m having a little party tonight if you want to stop by.”
“Sure, sounds fun. What time?”
“Oh around 9 or so. There will be lots of drinking, probably some fighting, and if we’re lucky, maybe even some sex too!!”
“Wow sounds like a blast, who’s going to be there?”
“Oh just me, you and maybe hank from down the road”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah575d/a_man_moves_out_to_the_countryside/
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Mom used to get furious when I peed with the seat down.

She'd say, "I know you wanna be like your father, Sandra, but you make a horrible mess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah563k/mom_used_to_get_furious_when_i_peed_with_the_seat/
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What’s the WiFi password at a Vietnamese noodle shop?

123pho5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah562a/whats_the_wifi_password_at_a_vietnamese_noodle/
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GOODBYE MOM

This brought a tear to my eye! Hope this touches you the way it touched me!
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.  If he stopped, she stopped.  Furthermore, she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said : "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;  it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah55m6/goodbye_mom/
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A lady is in the hospital on her death bed NSFL

With only a matter of days left, her husband asks “honey, is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all?
She replies “well, in all of our years of being married you have never once given me oral sex....I’d really like it if you would do that for me”
Her husband agrees instantly, and goes down on her.  After a couple minutes she sits up and exclaims “I’m cured! I’m cured!”
The man stops and immediately starts sobbing  uncontrollably.
The wife, totally confused, asks “what’s the matter dear? Didn’t you hear me? I’m cured!”
To which the husband replies:
“Has I only known.....I could have saved mom”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah549l/a_lady_is_in_the_hospital_on_her_death_bed_nsfl/
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A man goes on a date with a girl and has bad gas...

So the guy is on the date and has to fart really bad. He gets through the date and the car ride without farting. And he let's his date out of the car and he says, "I did it." The girl comes back and asks him to come in to meet her dad. He begrudgingly agrees, and meets her father. So the dad is talking and the guy eventually let's out a fart. The dad yells "Duke!" The guy goes he thinks the dog is farting. And keeps on farting, and the father keeps yelling Duke! Finally he let's out one last fart, and the dad says, "Duke get away from that man before he shits on you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah547s/a_man_goes_on_a_date_with_a_girl_and_has_bad_gas/
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What do you say when you don’t know the lyrics to a-ha’s “Take On Me”?

“I don’t know what I’m to say”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah50ow/what_do_you_say_when_you_dont_know_the_lyrics_to/
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I don't believe in hitting my children as a punishment

So I send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let the other kids beat them instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4yrj/i_dont_believe_in_hitting_my_children_as_a/
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How do anti-vaxxers celebrate their kid's sixth birthday?

They put flowers on their grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4xff/how_do_antivaxxers_celebrate_their_kids_sixth/
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Never trust an atom...

They make up everything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4wru/never_trust_an_atom/
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An airplane carrying politicians crashed in a farmers field...

When the police showed up they asked the farmer of there were any survivors
He said " I buried all of them, a cpuple said we're still alive, but them politicians like to lie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4wao/an_airplane_carrying_politicians_crashed_in_a/
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Wolf sighting

Husband: Honey I think I just saw a wolf!
Wife: where?
Husband: No, a regular one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4voi/wolf_sighting/
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How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.
(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)
(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4ryf/how_many_republicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Just found about my dermatologist is a bember of KKK

Guess he has a thing for removing blackheads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4r2r/just_found_about_my_dermatologist_is_a_bember_of/
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Blonde in a bar

A blonde walks into a bar and proceeds to the Coke machine in the corner.  Puts in her change, makes her selection, and out comes a Coke.  She does this again...same result.  She continues on and begins to pile the Cokes up against the wall.  This goes on for hours.
At 2:00 am people begin to leave, and she has 100s of Cokes all over the bar.  Finally the bartender yells to her "lady the bar is closed, you gotta go"
"Shhhhh" she says to him.  "Can't you see I'm winning?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4qsa/blonde_in_a_bar/
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Good, Better, Best

GOOD:
A Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many.  Then he discovered the problem.  A 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read, “RADAR TRAP AHEAD.”
The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, “TIPS” and a bucket full of money.  (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in La Crosse, WI.  A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.  The police responded with another mailed photo—of handcuffs.
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.  A Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.”
The officer promptly replied, “Wisconsin State Troopers don’t have balls.”
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said.  He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.  She was laughing too hard to start her car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4pxl/good_better_best/
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What's the difference between government and a roomful of 7-year old kids?

The kids would be better behaved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4nf4/whats_the_difference_between_government_and_a/
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What did the porn star say to her coworker, The Invisible Man?

"Well... I did not see that coming."
sorry if it's a repost, but I've never seen it and I gave myself a chuckle coming up with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4lo4/what_did_the_porn_star_say_to_her_coworker_the/
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Massage Humor

A Jewish man walked into a massage clinic looking for deep tissue. They bring him back and afterwards, he comes out looking disappointed. They ask him why and he replies, "She was too gentile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4gv7/massage_humor/
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I met a man who claimed to be able to make moonshine in his rectum.

He said it was the best moonshine he ever tasted and I absolutely had to try it. I thought "it would make for a pretty interesting story". Butt still...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4fo8/i_met_a_man_who_claimed_to_be_able_to_make/
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What do the twin towers and gender have in common?

There used to be two of them and now it’s a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4dak/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_gender_have_in_common/
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So a new pirate walks onto his ship...

So a new pirate walks onto his ship and sees the Captain,
"Damn what happened to his leg?"
"He fought off a gator and lost it" replies the first mate,
"Damn, that's rough, what about his hand, how'd he lose that?"
"It got blown off in a war in the Caribbean,"
"Fucking hell," he responds "what about his eye..?"
"Oh a bird shit in it."
"Seriously a fucking bird shit in it?"
"Yeah it was his first day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4d8a/so_a_new_pirate_walks_onto_his_ship/
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After 50 years of marriage. The wife let her husband to open the mysterious chest.

A couple was married for 50 years. And from the first day of their marriage the wife put a chest in their bedroom. It was a tough chest, impossible to open. 50 years the husband tried to open it, but nothing worked. The wife didn't tell him what was in there either. So at the 50th anniversary of their marriage the wife(W) decided to show her husband(H) what was she hiding in there all those years. She opened the chest and there 3 chocolate bars and 50k dollars.
H: - What's that?
W: - Well you see. Everytime I cheated on you, I put a chocolate bar in the chest.
H: - To be honest, that's a hell of the news you are telling me right now. But 3 chocolates in 50 years is not that bad after all. But what's with all the money?
W: - Well you see. Everytime I got a pound of chocolate, I sold them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah44ys/after_50_years_of_marriage_the_wife_let_her/
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Three priests gathered together for a drink .

During their get together ,the host ask the other two :
- How do you split your money with the Lord ?
"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever  is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.
The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .
"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.
I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah421m/three_priests_gathered_together_for_a_drink/
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If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah4090/if_james_bond_was_spanish/
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A frail old lady wanted to join a biker club...

She knocked on the door of a local biker club, and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed proudly, "I want to join your biker club."
The man was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, that's my Harley over there" and there it was, a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker then asked her, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
Impressed, the biker then asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3yxg/a_frail_old_lady_wanted_to_join_a_biker_club/
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No point in being pessimistic..

It wouldn't work anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3uv8/no_point_in_being_pessimistic/
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What do you call a physicist that only drinks one beer?

Einstein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3ukr/what_do_you_call_a_physicist_that_only_drinks_one/
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Why does it cost $2.00 to put air in my tires?

Inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3u2v/why_does_it_cost_200_to_put_air_in_my_tires/
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What do you call a Jewish rapper?

Dr.Dreidel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3twm/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_rapper/
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Scientists have discovered a way to make dolphins nearly invisible to the human eye.

I don’t really see the porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3rbk/scientists_have_discovered_a_way_to_make_dolphins/
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A Scientific Joke !!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3pqu/a_scientific_joke/
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My girlfriend left me because she said I talk about video games too much....

I told her that's a dumb reason to Fallout 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3pog/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_she_said_i_talk/
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I am glad Game of Thrones is coming to an end in 2019

I hate when TV shows dragon too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3l6x/i_am_glad_game_of_thrones_is_coming_to_an_end_in/
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Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife

"I guess I'll have to spread my legs now.", she says. "Why?", he asks, "don't ya have a vase?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3kvo/guy_comes_home_with_a_bouquet_of_flowers_for_his/
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I met this girl with a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh

She told that if I put my ear to it, I can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3h2a/i_met_this_girl_with_a_tattoo_of_a_sea_shell_on/
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I'm a transfat...

I'm fat, but identify as skinny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3fyx/im_a_transfat/
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A pothead goes to the beach.

It's pretty obvious that he's been smoking earlier that day.
He gets to the beach and it's a quiet day. He notices, however that there are all manner of sea birds squawking and flying around like crazy. They're diving in and out of the water and pestering the few people who were out that day. He figures that these birds were very high-strung and needed to chill out a bit.
He grabs some snacks from a nearby convenience store, and starts laying them out, staying close by. At the same time, he lights up some of his strongest weed, spreading the smoke around the area. The birds naturally approach to grab some snacks, and it doesn't take much of the smoke for them to become very relaxed.
Happy with his success, he moves to a different location on the beach and does the same thing. He continues for the entire length of the beach. In fact...
...he left no tern un-stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3cii/a_pothead_goes_to_the_beach/
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The lion got married and arranged a big wedding party. All the animals came to the wedding to congratulate him.

The rabbit came, put his hand on the his upper back and said: "congratulations my brother!! I wish..." the lion got angry by hearing the word brother, stopped him immediately and roar at him "BROTHER!?!? How the hell can you be my brother?!? I'm a LION!!! the king of all the living animals, and you're just a rabbit", the rabbit smile at him and whisper in his ear "my brother... I was also a lion once, before I got married..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3ci6/the_lion_got_married_and_arranged_a_big_wedding/
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This is a bad one

I was once at a party. After some time I noticed that I lost my watch. I was looking for it everywhere. I finally saw it laying on the floor on the other side of the room. When I got there, I witnessed how some guy stepped on it, while harassing a girl. Filled with rage I went up to him and punched him on the nose. No one treats a girl like that. Not on my watch!
P.s.: not mine I found it in the comments on pornhub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah3a51/this_is_a_bad_one/
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An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?", the store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."

She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah31mf/an_elderly_woman_with_a_shaky_voice_walks_into_a/
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Donald Trump is like a pimp.

If he's making money, *somebody's* getting fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah2zxa/donald_trump_is_like_a_pimp/
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I hate Russian Dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah2y9a/i_hate_russian_dolls/
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What do you call a Kangaroo with bad manners?

Kangarude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah2w40/what_do_you_call_a_kangaroo_with_bad_manners/
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Do you know what's 6.9?

A great thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah2kid/do_you_know_whats_69/
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I went on a date and my phone rang

I was on a date and during our conversation, the phone rang
I saw that my mother was calling, and I picked up and hastily said
“I’m busy Mom”
*click* and I hung up just as quickly.
“Who was that?” asked the girl.
“Oh just my mom, she likes to check up on me since i’m her only child”.
The girl looked pleased began to tell a story.
Just then, the phone rang again, it was my mother. I picked up and said
“I’m on a date Mom, i’ll call you later”
*click*
The conversation eventually turned toward parenthood.
“I would love to have kids” the girl said.
“Ugh, no thanks. If I ever had a kid, I would just pack up and leave” I answered back.
The phone began to ring again, with my mother’s name showing on caller ID. I picked up frustrated and screamed
“WHAT THE FUCK IS SO IMPORTANT MOM?”
I heard silence for a moment and then she responded
“WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? YOUR WIFE IS GIVING BIRTH RIGHT NOW”
*click*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah2cga/i_went_on_a_date_and_my_phone_rang/
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I wanted to post a joke about sodium ...

But I was like Na nobody’s going to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah2blx/i_wanted_to_post_a_joke_about_sodium/
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A dog walks into a bar...

....and sits down on the barstool.
He says, "I'll have two beers, and mint if you've got one."
The bartender says "Wow! You should join the circus!"
And the dog says, "Why, do they need electricians?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah2b0b/a_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do mathematicians do in their free time?

Math-debate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah2a0x/what_do_mathematicians_do_in_their_free_time/
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My girlfriend told me that size doesn’t matter

I’m still kind of weirded out that she has a dick though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah28fu/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_size_doesnt_matter/
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Before being ordained, 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks.

Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved pussy danced before each one. First priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached the last priest, Ralph. Poor Ralph. While she danced he got a stiffy & his bell rang & flew off across the room. Embarrassed he ran & bent to pick it up. Then all the fucking bells rang! LOL!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah26m7/before_being_ordained_6_priests_had_to_stand_nude/
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If 2 black birds make a black bird and 2 blue birds make a blue bird, what makes no birds?

Swallows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah24nc/if_2_black_birds_make_a_black_bird_and_2_blue/
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A man walks into a bar

And orders 5 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks Jesus what happened to you today and he said my son told me he is gay and takes the shots and goes home. The next day the same man walks into the bar again and orders 10 shots the bartender asks what's wrong with him this time. The man says I just found out my best friend is gay and he's screwing my son. The man takes the shots then leaves. The very next day the same man walks in and orders 15 shots. The bartender asks Jesus does anyone in your family like women? The man looks the bartender in the eye and says apperently my wife does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah2460/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.
The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.
The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah215p/an_american_businessman_is_entertaining_some/
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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.
'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.
'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'
So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving young Jeremy in charge of the store.
Some time later, a woman walks in. She's in search of a mechanized equivalent of the male boomstick of glory. Jeremy shows her the so-called model 'Hercules'; huge, veiny and with a firm grip. The woman is very intrigued and leaves the store thrilled to bits.
Several other women pass by aswell and Jeremy proves himself to be a keen salesman of battery-powered penises. All women leave the store satisfied with their purchase.
Then an elderly lady walks in the store in search of some private pleasure. Jeremy shows her the top of the stock, but the lady seems dearly unimpressed. Then, a spectacular model catches her eye. 'What about that red one?' she asks. 'Oh, I see, mylady is a connoisseur!' Jeremy replies. He shows her the model and with a light tred and a big grin, the lady leaves the store.
Later that afternoon, the boss returns and asks how business has been.
Beaming with pride, Jeremy replies: 'It was great! I sold quite a lot!'
'Oh really?' the boss asks, impressed, 'what models did you sell?'
'Well sir, 1 model Hercules, 1 model King Kong, 2 LongSchlong21's and the fire-extinguiser.'
EDIT2: WOW, by far my most upvoted post ever. Glad you guys liked it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah20xt/the_owner_of_a_sex_shop_hires_a_new_clerk/
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I’ve been looking to get rid of some male geese.

Would you like to take a gander?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah1y0h/ive_been_looking_to_get_rid_of_some_male_geese/
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Why didn’t Jack get a high five?

Because Logan Paul left him hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah1upp/why_didnt_jack_get_a_high_five/
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I'm so excited to finally get a dad bod

It's the first time I've ever had a father figure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah1nlv/im_so_excited_to_finally_get_a_dad_bod/
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Twins

I told my friend that I have been fucking a couple of twins lately and the sex is AMAZING.
He was curious and asked " How do you tell them apart?"
"It's easy! Anna has a mole on her left butt cheek and Robert has a 9" cock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah1jf6/twins/
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A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needs a handsaw

He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.
The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah1h8b/a_construction_worker_on_the_5th_floor_of_a/
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Wanna know what you call a smart crackhead?

A geologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah1faz/wanna_know_what_you_call_a_smart_crackhead/
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A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy
“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked
“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said
The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says
“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”
“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment then said
“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah197e/a_farmer_drove_over_to_his_neighbors_house_and/
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One from my son(11) What do you call a mexican who's lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah18xr/one_from_my_son11_what_do_you_call_a_mexican_whos/
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I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk;

but, I never got the chants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah177v/i_always_wanted_to_be_a_gregorian_monk/
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I respect a person who socializes with others by playing Magic: The Gathering.

They're a mana culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah12qp/i_respect_a_person_who_socializes_with_others_by/
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What's the most powerful card in Magic The Gathering?

Credit Card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah11ur/whats_the_most_powerful_card_in_magic_the/
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A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans

Stolen from Facebook:
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah0ycx/a_lawyer_boarded_an_airplane_in_new_orleans/
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If women have cameltoes then what do men have?

Missiletoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah0y3u/if_women_have_cameltoes_then_what_do_men_have/
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The executioner asked if I had any last words

I said “Yes, just three”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah0vc6/the_executioner_asked_if_i_had_any_last_words/
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Ugh... I *really* hate the jokes in here about German Sausages.

They're the WURST.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah0v13/ugh_i_really_hate_the_jokes_in_here_about_german/
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Constipation puns aren't my favorite jokes...

but they're a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah0kyo/constipation_puns_arent_my_favorite_jokes/
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I picked up a hitchhiker today.

After a few minutes of driving they asks: “how do you know I’m not some kind of murderer?”
“What are the chances there would be two in the same car?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah0iio/i_picked_up_a_hitchhiker_today/
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Last Request

Two convicts who were about to be executed, The warden says to the first one, ‘Do you have a last request?’
The convict says, ‘Yes, I’d like to hear the song “Achy Breaky Heart” one last time.’The Warden says, ‘OK, I think we can arrange that.’ Then he says to the second convict, ‘How about you?’ The second convict says, ‘Yeah, kill me first.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah0ht7/last_request/
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What's a Grecian urn?

About 780 euros a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah0ftp/whats_a_grecian_urn/
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The National Roads Authority found over 200 dead crows on a highway...

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The NRA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah0efe/the_national_roads_authority_found_over_200_dead/
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Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They’re already masters of recycling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah0e7h/top_reddit_posters_should_use_their_karma_to_help/
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah0dss/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
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A boy stays home from school one day and catches his mother having a steamy affair...

He is playing in his parents bedroom when he hears his mother lead her lover up the stairs. The boy hides away in the closet. Before things get heated, however, his father comes home early. “Quick, into the closet!,” she yells, and the lover hides inside.
“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks the boy.
“Sure is..,” says the lover.
“I have a baseball,” the boy proclaims.
The lover confused, asks, “Yeah, what of it?”
“I’ll sell it to you for $50.”
“Yeah right kid, your out of your mind,” the lover whispers, chuckling at his ridiculous offer.
“If you don’t buy it, I’ll tell my dad what I saw,” the boy says.
With no other option, the lover hands over the $50 for the baseball and then sneaks out when the coast is clear.
The next day, the boy is at home and the scenario plays out again. The wife brings the lover over, the husband shows up, and the wife hides the lover in the closet.
“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks the boy.
“... How much this time?,” the lover asks begrudgingly.
“$100 for my baseball glove.”
The lover pays the boy and then manages to sneak out when he has a chance.
The next day, the dad walks up to his son and says, “What a beautiful Sunday, huh sport? Let’s toss the old ball around!”
The boy puts his head down and tells his father, “I’m sorry dad, I sold my baseball glove and ball to my friend for $150.”
The father is appalled to hear this. “$150?! That price is a SIN to charge someone for a glove and ball! I have to take you to church to confess!”
The dad drags his boy to the church and throws him into the confessional where he sits quietly, waiting.
“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks the boy.
“That isn’t gonna work this time, kid. You’re in my closet now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah01d9/a_boy_stays_home_from_school_one_day_and_catches/
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What do you call a crystal clear urine?

1080 pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah00v7/what_do_you_call_a_crystal_clear_urine/
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How do you keep bears out of your backyard?

You install goal posts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ah00it/how_do_you_keep_bears_out_of_your_backyard/
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Anyone wanna join my prayer group for woodworkers?

It's called "Oh, Ye of Whittle Faith."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agzig6/anyone_wanna_join_my_prayer_group_for_woodworkers/
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First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019,  hindsight is 2020"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agzamw/first_joke_ive_ever_come_up_with_so_far_nobody/
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why do white supremacists hate calculus?

It really pushed their *limits* on *integration*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agz9rc/why_do_white_supremacists_hate_calculus/
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Did you hear about the drummer that had twin daughters?

He named them Anna 1, Anna 2...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agyzxr/did_you_hear_about_the_drummer_that_had_twin/
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A man brings home a box of flavoured condoms.

“All of these condoms are flavoured like bags of crisps” He tells is wife. “I bet you can’t guess the flavour by taste alone with a blindfold on”.
“Go on then, I bet I can” says his wife.
She puts a blindfold on, gets on her knees and reaches for his dick. She puts it in her mouth and gives it a good taste.
“Come on, give me a challenge”. Says the wife. “This is clearly Cheese and Onion flavoured”.
“Fuck sake, give me a minute to put the condom on first” Says the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agyv7j/a_man_brings_home_a_box_of_flavoured_condoms/
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A cop stops a guy for speeding

Cop: Sir, I need to see your drivers license.
Guy: what, you guys took it from me two years ago, don't tell me you lost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agyv5o/a_cop_stops_a_guy_for_speeding/
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If you carpool with roommates...

they are vroommates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agyrsp/if_you_carpool_with_roommates/
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One of my favorite old jokes

Juan works in a supermarket.
A man came in and asked Juan for half a pound of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 lb packets of butter, but the man was persistent.
The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.
Juan walked into the back room and said, "There's a crazy ass fellow out there who wants to buy half a pound of butter."
As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him,
So he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager finished the deal and later said to Juan, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot. Which place are you from?"
Juan replied, "I'm from Colombia, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Colombia?" asked the manager.
Juan replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players over there."
"My wife is from Colombia," the manager said.
Juan replied, "Which team did she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agyqae/one_of_my_favorite_old_jokes/
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During the US Government shutdown, obviously the US Mail is still working...

...because people keep posting the same shit again and again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agylfd/during_the_us_government_shutdown_obviously_the/
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A cowboy and a red Indian are walking through the desert...

After a short time the Indian stops the cowboy before dropping to his knees and placing his ear to the ground. Upon standing the Indian says firmly "Buffalo come"
"That's amazing" says the cowboy, "How can you tell that?"
The Indian replies...
"Sticky face"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agykip/a_cowboy_and_a_red_indian_are_walking_through_the/
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What do you call a werewolf who's also a YouTuber?

A lycansubscribe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agyjr8/what_do_you_call_a_werewolf_whos_also_a_youtuber/
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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He says "What are you doing" She replies, "I'm off to New York, I read prostitutes get paid $400 for doing something I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, she sees her husband also packing a suitcase. "Where are you going" she asks. "I'm coming to New York with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agybyj/a_man_walks_into_his_bedroom_and_sees_his_wife/
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How many mods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agybly/how_many_mods_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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Dangerous dating

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agy4dv/dangerous_dating/
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Roses are red, That much is true

But violets are purple
Not freakin blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agy0w0/roses_are_red_that_much_is_true/
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Whats the difference between feminist and a suicide vest.

A suicide vest gets something done when triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agy04z/whats_the_difference_between_feminist_and_a/
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A man brings home a box of flavoured condoms.

“All of these condoms are flavoured like bags of crisps” He tells is wife. “I bet you can’t guess the flavour by taste alone with a blindfold on”.
“Go on then, I bet I can” says his wife.
She puts a blindfold on, gets on her knees and reaches for his dick. She puts it in her mouth and gives it a good taste.
“Come on, give me a challenge”. Says the wife. “This is clearly Cheese and Onion flavoured”.
“Fuck sake, give me a minute to put the condom on first” Says the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxyhl/a_man_brings_home_a_box_of_flavoured_condoms/
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Roses are blue, Violets are red,

We’re doing this backwards
That’s what she said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxx4x/roses_are_blue_violets_are_red/
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Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the envioronment

They are already experts at recycling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxu27/top_reddit_posters_should_use_their_karma_to_help/
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Following yesterday's vote, the British PM officially changed her name

She now goes by the name of Theresa May Notbetheretomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxtxg/following_yesterdays_vote_the_british_pm/
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My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn't stop making oral sex jokes.

I said "That's hard to swallow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxrhg/my_girlfriend_warned_me_she_would_break_up_if_i/
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Why don't ants get sick?

Because of their strong little anty-bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxq65/why_dont_ants_get_sick/
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What's the difference between a well dressed person on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed individual on a unicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxp3r/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed/
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I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxo7v/i_couldnt_figure_out_why_the_baseball_kept/
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A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.
Sooner than later, another vampire enters the establishment and sees his fellow child of darkness happily nursing his glass at the bar. He proceeds to sit next to him and orders the same, to which the bartender obliges and plunks down another large warm glass of blood.
Finally a third vampire strolls through the door and walks confidently up to the barkeep and the other vampires. He opens his fanged mouth to speak, but the Barman interrupts him: "Let me guess..." he opines, "One large glass of warm blood?". To his surprise the vampire shakes his head.
"Actually, can I have a cup of boiling water please?"
The Bartender is confused but is unwilling to question the motives of a vampire, especially a vampire customer and produces the boiling water for his guest. The other vampires, also curious pause their drinking to stare at the new arrival.
Sensing their curiosity the vampire simply shrugs, produces a tampon from his pocket and dunks it into the cup.
"I'm making tea..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxmv6/a_vampire_walks_into_a_bar/
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An alien was sent to earth to make contact with the human race...

He crash lands in the woods of Siberia. Wandering around, he spots two men sitting by a tree, drinking.He thinks what's the best way to make contact. After a while, he approaches them:
"I am Salurn".
"Pour him some vodka, Ivan. It's quite cold. Let him warm up"
He accepts the drink and finishes it in one sip like the men he observes do it.Again, he stands and thinks how should he make contact:
"I am Salurn".
"Pour him some more, Ivan. He likes it."
Again he sips the drink, feeling tipsy a bit afterwards.
Several attempts later, he barely stands on his feet, thinking of a new approach strategy:
"Hey guys, I'm an alien"
"Ivan.... No more drinks for this guy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxkd8/an_alien_was_sent_to_earth_to_make_contact_with/
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In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit.

She’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxio8/in_the_bedroom_my_girlfriend_really_likes_it_when/
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A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.
-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over your brother?"
Guy: "No, even more bad news. I just found out that my father is now gay..."
Bartender looks shocked, but then just gives the man his drinks and leaves him alone.
-Next Day-
Again, the same guy enters the bar and orders his 3 shots.
Bartender: "More bad news I assume?"
Guy: "Yep, uncle this time..."
Bartender shakes his head and gives the man his drinks.
-Next Day-
Same guy, same drink order.
This time the bartender throws up his hands in disbelief!
Bartender: "DOES ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?"
Guy: "Yep....My Wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxiiw/a_homophobic_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_immediately/
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4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxidw/4_beer_company_ceos_walk_into_a_bar/
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I have to stop jerking off

But its hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxicx/i_have_to_stop_jerking_off/
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A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxgwx/a_kiwi_and_an_aussie_are_fishing_one_afternoon/
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I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxfv7/i_dont_know_why_but_my_vanilla_candle_isnt_working/
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What’s the difference between a Taliban outpost and a children’s school?

I don’t know, I’m just the drone pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agxcey/whats_the_difference_between_a_taliban_outpost/
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Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Mustang east on I-20 toward Georgia.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "Forget it, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agx9re/alabama_state_troopers_were_chasing_a_mustang/
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I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.

They quickly arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agx4on/i_saw_two_guys_wearing_matching_clothing_and_i/
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Why does the 2 year old child of the anti-vaccine parents cry?

Midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agx4kg/why_does_the_2_year_old_child_of_the_antivaccine/
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Everyone said I wouldn’t make it, but I had my first screening today.

Stage four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agx4ar/everyone_said_i_wouldnt_make_it_but_i_had_my/
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A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob.  Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection, then reaches into his wallet and hands her $800. She goes back inside.  “Who was at the door, honey?” asks the husband.  “Oh, it was our neighbor Bob,” she says.  “Great,” says the husband. “Did he happen to mention the $800 he owes me?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agx1w9/a_married_couple_is_getting_ready_to_go_out_for/
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Reporter: "Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?"

USA: "Because we suspected that they had Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Reporter: "Why did you attack Syria now?"
USA: "Because we suspect they have Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Reporter: "Why didn't you attack North Korea then?"
USA: "Are you out of your mind? They really have Weapons of Mass Destruction"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agwuqp/reporter_why_did_you_attack_iraq_in_the_90s/
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Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agwtkf/two_thai_girls_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_sleep_with/
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A 16 year old boy gets a new job in a big wholesale store.

On his first day of work the manager takes him to one side and tells him to watch what he does with the next customer who walks in. A man comes over and asks if they sell grass seeds. The manager replies “We do sir yes” and then comes back with the seeds. He then says “And how long would you like your hose pipe”. The man replies “ A hosepipe? The manager says “Well yes sir, if you want your grass to grow your going to have to water it”. The man says “Oh yeah I’ll have a hosepipe then”. The manager returns with the hosepipe and says “Your lawnmower sir, would you like to pick that up here or have it delivered?” The man says “Oh yeah, I’ll need to cut the grass of course. I’ll take it with me now”. They take the man to the checkout and it all comes to over £200. After the man leaves the manager turns to the boy and says “See that. He only came in for grass seeds and went away spending £200. The next one who comes over I want you to try and do the same”. Another man the approaches and asks the boy “Excuse me son, bit of an odd question but do you sell tampons here?” The boy replies “We certainly do sir. And your lawnmower would you like to pick that up here today or have it delivered?” The man replies “A lawnmower. What do I want with a lawnmower?” The boy says “Well your clearly doing fuck all else all weekend might as well cut the grass”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agwrbx/a_16_year_old_boy_gets_a_new_job_in_a_big/
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Obama dies and then visits in an NY bar

So Obama dies and goes to Haeven. And after a while he becomes curious and is allowed to spend an hour  in NY.
He goes to a bar and while ordering a whisky asks the bartender how things go.
Like "what is going on with Iraq and Syria?"
-  Oh, all is fine: they are ours. And even half of China is ours. - answers the guy.
Obama:
-  Nice to hear it. So how much does this whiskey cost?
- 2.50 Rubel. Without the ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agwn60/obama_dies_and_then_visits_in_an_ny_bar/
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agwiap/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
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A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!

The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!
Sure enough, the pope leans over and asks the man "do you know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?"
Oh no. The man is speechless. He sits there, terrified but trying his best to put on a pensive face, for about 30 seconds. The pope won't speak to me this whole flight if I say what first came to mind...
Then it hits him! "Oh!" he says. "AUNT. The word you're looking for is 'aunt', Your Holiness."
The pope calmly nods. "Ah, of course," he says. "Do you have an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agwhom/a_devout_catholic_man_has_just_boarded_a_plane/
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#10yearchallenge

2001: Terrible at maths
2008: Great at maths

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agwg56/10yearchallenge/
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A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”

The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating  the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “That’ll be 50 cents”. The guy can’t believe it. So he thinks 'fuck it ' and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch “. The bartender hands it to him and says “here. On the house”. Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy. He asks “ok. Where’s the owner” bartender replies “upstairs with my wife”. The guy asks “what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies “same thing I’m doing to his business”...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agwdly/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer_bartender/
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The next time your gf gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and exlaim:

“Now you’re SUPER ANGRY”
Maybe she’ll laugh
Maybe you’ll die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agwdhr/the_next_time_your_gf_gets_angry_drape_a_towel/
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In a far away place... In a small rural town...

There was a boy named john. John didn’t have many friends growing up as he preferred to keep to himself. Johns family were farmers through and through, his favourite thing to do was to drive their tractor around and around the farm, john always adored tractors, the big back wheels and the small front ones, unheard of! The exhaust coming out of the top, unbelievable! it brought john so much joy in his life.
It was nearing Christmas and john wasn’t really sure on what he wanted. He spent all his time driving the tractor around, his parents started to believe that john was lonely, they wanted to give john a friend. In that exact moment, johns parents knew what to do.
It was finally Christmas, john woke up and rushed downstairs to see what things Santa and his parents had gotten him. There were boxes scattered under the Christmas tree, john immediately rushed to the biggest one and tore the wrapping off as fast as he could, he opens the box and out jumps a small puppy which immediately dashes towards john and starts licking him. John picks up the dog and says to him “I think I’ll name you buddy”, buddy looks at him with playful eyes and gives a small bark. Johns parents knew that they were going to be best friends.
John and buddy immediately started having a blast together, they’d do everything together, john started taking buddy for rides with him in his tractor, as they were driving around the farm buddy would stick his head off the side and poke his tongue out at the wind. When they weren’t in the tractor, they’d be playing games of fetch or chasing the rabbits around the farm. There was this one time when they were chasing rabbits, john tripped over a stick and landed face first into the ground, almost as soon as it happened, buddy turned around and raced back as fast as he could to make sure john was ok, he gave off a slight whimper as john struggled to get back up, “don’t worry boy I’m fine, just a grazed knee is all” john spoke with a tear in his eye. Buddy and john then walked back to the house together after a long day. John and buddy truly were best friends for life.
Years had passed and john and buddy were as close as ever. But one night, as everyone was asleep, john heard a thud. He woke up with a shock, he grabbed a torch and went to go and investigate on the noise. he walked out the door and called buddy’s name. No response. He turned the corner. Nothing. There was only one spot left to look. The tractor. He headed there as fast as he could. Common sense had flown out the window. He tripped and grazed his knee. There was no reassuring whimper. He picked himself up. He turned the corner into the shed. There was buddy. Under the wheel of the tractor. John couldn’t take it. All he could do was scream at what was before him. His best friend and his love for tractors were both replaced with a deep, seething hate for tractors.
John never lost his hatred of tractors, it started to consume him. His parents sold the farm and moved to the city in order to try and save their child. As the years passed, john accomplished many things in his life. Passed school with flying colours, got a degree in electrical engineering, he even got himself a loving wife and two kids, but despite all that, his hatred for tractors always stuck in the back of his mind. Teasing him. Taunting him.
It had been 20 years since the incident. John was on his way back from work, taking his usual route past his favourite bar, as he got towards the bar though he noticed that smoke was emanating from the building, choking the people inside. People were suffocating. Dying. John knew he had to do something. He raced towards the bar at full speed and kicked open the door, he then proceeded to breathe in all the air and suck it all into his body. He kept breathing it in until there was no smoke left. Everyone was saved. A man ran over to john and asked him “how’d you do it? How’d you breathe in all that smoke?” john turned to the man and said…
”Well you see… im actually an EX-TRACTOR FAN”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agwcql/in_a_far_away_place_in_a_small_rural_town/
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There was a man named Ivan, born and raised in the Soviet Union.

From the moment he was born, he lived in oppression and poverty. His rations were meager, his work in the coal mines hard. But one day, he gets a ray of hope, solace from his hardships, when, as he’s driving his Lada from his home to the local coal mine, he sees a sign.
“Swimming Lessons: Improve Strength for Motherland! 500 rubles.”
So Ivan decides that the best thing to do is to trade in his Lada, and skip lunch for a month. He does so, walking to the mine and skipping lunch every day for a month, and after this, he gets enough money to go and swim. So he does, and he excels in it. He swims so well that after the first class, the instructor tells him to go home, because he might make the other Comrades feel bad. And we wouldn’t want that, now would we, Comrade Ivan?
Well, Ivan says, I have endured many hardships in my life. I suppose this shall be one more.
So Ivan goes home, wet and dejected, and goes walking to the mine the next day. Then, he sees a sign that says “Advanced swimming lessons! Improve skill for motherland! 5000 Rubles.”
So, Ivan figures that if he keeps his shoes particularly dry, and skips on dinner, he will have enough within the month. Do he does so, and after a month of blisters and starvation, he gets enough to go to the advanced swimming lessons. He attends the class, and the instructor tells him at the end that he is a natural, and thus should not come to the class anymore, for fear of making the other comrades feel bad.
Well, Ivan says, I have endured many hardships in my life. I suppose this shall be one more.
He goes home, wet, cold, and dejected.
But then, the next day, as he walks to the coal mine, he sees another sign. Try out for Olympic Trials! Win glory for Motherland! Fifty-thousand rubles.
So, Ivan decides, that if he keeps his shoes particularly clean, and lives off nothing but crackers and butter for the next two months, he can afford it. So, he does so, and after months of hard work and toil on nothing, even for a Soviet peasant, Ivan has 50 000 rubles. He applies to he on the Olympic team, and amazing, he makes it!
So, as he’s in the Olympic finals, he is told he must swim from a cruise ship to a nearby island. He says that this is no challenge for him. But, just as the event is about to start, there’s a great snap. Everyone thinks the gun has gone off, but a lifeboat has actually fallen off. And is now floating right in Ivan’s path. Everyone lets out a horrified gasp, and sees Ivan, swimming star of the USSR, smash headfirst into lifeboat.
But, he gets up! And he walks off the edge, dives in, and wins gold for mother Russia!
When the Western reporters get to him, they ask him “how did you survive that crash?”
Ivan smiles.
“You see, I have endured many hard ships in my life.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agw576/there_was_a_man_named_ivan_born_and_raised_in_the/
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I never understood why people become radical Islamic terrorists on the off-chance that they can have 72 virgins in heaven.

Just become a catholic priest and you can have them now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agw1ui/i_never_understood_why_people_become_radical/
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Stay away from the marijuanas it can cause memory loss

Or even worse, memory loss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agvzgv/stay_away_from_the_marijuanas_it_can_cause_memory/
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Bro how do you manage your stress

Bob: Mike, I've a personal question. How do you manage the stress that comes with this work.
Mike: Bob that's very simple. When I reach home, I take my wife to a nice fine dining. I get her a nice bottle of wine, good food and amazing dessert. After that, my wife gives me so much pleasure in the bed, which takes the stress out.
Next day Mike asks Bob: what's up with your black eye.
Bob: I got punched following your suggestion.
Mike: really? What happened?
Bob: Your wife is not as good as you said. She is just evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agvuf1/bro_how_do_you_manage_your_stress/
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A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

He pries the window open, gets out his duffel bag to start looting, and he suddenly hears:
"Jesus is watching."
The burglar stops in his tracks and turns quickly thinking someone was home and he was found. But he saw nothing, and just assumed it was his imagination. So he keeps walking:
"Jesus is watching you..."
He hears it again and turns around quicker, still seeing nothing, now he is sure it isn't his imagination. So he walks towards where he heard the voice. He sees a parrot, and the parrot says:
"Jesus is watching you..."
The burglar laughs and sighs with relief, and asks the parrot:
"What's your name?"
"Moses"
"What kind of family names their parrot Moses?"
...
"The kind of family that names their Rottweiler Jesus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agvi49/a_burglar_is_breaking_into_a_house_at_night/
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Guys. Do you know the difference between a guy flirting at the office and a girl flirting at the office?

Hmmm #metoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agvg2o/guys_do_you_know_the_difference_between_a_guy/
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Two necrophiles are sitting on a bus and look at pictures of their girlfriends.

One turns to the other and says "Where did you dig up that one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agvci4/two_necrophiles_are_sitting_on_a_bus_and_look_at/
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In order to resolve the government shutdown, Bill Gates has offered to fund President Trump's border wall

On the one condition that he can install windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agvasy/in_order_to_resolve_the_government_shutdown_bill/
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To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide but you cant run!
(My friend told me this sorry if it's a repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agv6lg/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
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What does Black Panther say when he sees an unfamiliar bird?

Wakanda bird is this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agv4td/what_does_black_panther_say_when_he_sees_an/
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How do you insult a Russian?

Yo motherland so hairy, she put the bush in babushka.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agv0ij/how_do_you_insult_a_russian/
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What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

The job still sucks after 10 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agv0aq/whats_the_difference_between_a_job_and_a_wife/
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My dad was trying to explain what sarcasm is the other day

I didn’t really understand what he was saying, but he told me he loved me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agutxt/my_dad_was_trying_to_explain_what_sarcasm_is_the/
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The only people who get more concussions than NFL players

Are their wives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agutgb/the_only_people_who_get_more_concussions_than_nfl/
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I don't get people who try to predict the next US presidential election

I mean, do they think they have 2020 vision?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agupfq/i_dont_get_people_who_try_to_predict_the_next_us/
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Did your hear 007 opened a handyman business after retiring from spy work?

It was a logical career change, he was already licensed and bonded, and had some experience taking care of oddjobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aguod4/did_your_hear_007_opened_a_handyman_business/
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Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"
Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aguj48/everyday_a_man_named_jack_would_chew_and_swallow/
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Disney has announced that all future Marvel movies will have an all male cast.

They are doing their part to combat the heroine epidemic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aguhxv/disney_has_announced_that_all_future_marvel/
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What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad?

Seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agubhu/whats_an_epileptics_least_favorite_type_of_salad/
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A man and his wife have been golfing together for many years.

On their twentieth anniversary, out on the course, the wife stops and says "I have to tell you something.  This is serious."
"What is it?" the husband asks.
The wife hesitates, then confesses: "I have to tell you... that all this time... well... I am actually a man."
"You BITCH!" screams the husband. "And all this time you've been driving off the women's tees!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agu5ge/a_man_and_his_wife_have_been_golfing_together_for/
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Two deaf people get married

and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agu2gt/two_deaf_people_get_married/
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A family goes to the beach...

They had their kid with them and being curious he notices ladies with the different breast sizes and what not and asks. "Mom, dad, how come some are small like mommy's and others are really big?" The father, to make his wife feel a bit better goes "the bigger they are the dumber the person is son"... They keep walking and notices guys in speedos and what not, same thing. "Mom, dad, how come some of those are bigger and the others are smaller".. Wife returns the favor and replies "son, the bigger they are the dumber the person is"...
After some time on the beach the husband goes to grab some refreshments and food for the family. A while goes by and the mother asks the kid to go check and see what's taking so long.
A bit later the son returns, and she asks.. "well did you find your dad?"
Son replies "Oh Yea, he's up by the bar talking to this REALLY dumb lady, and the longer they talk, the dumber he's getting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agtzj8/a_family_goes_to_the_beach/
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I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

Hopefully she gets that we're not working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agtyse/i_invited_my_girlfriend_to_go_to_the_gym_with_me/
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Why wasn't Taco Bell featured at the White House's fast food feast?

Because Trump would have expected them to pay for the whole meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agttmk/why_wasnt_taco_bell_featured_at_the_white_houses/
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I hate Tacos!*

*said no Juan ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agttdn/i_hate_tacos/
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Pet fish

A man was at the lake with a bucket of fish one day when a game warden walked up to him and started to cite him for fishing illegally. The man said “no, you don’t understand, these are my pet fish! I put them in a bucket every day and bring them down to the lake and turn them loose, then I let them swim around for a while and whistle loudly to call them back. I put the bucket down in the water and they jump right back in and I take them back home.”
“Now this I’ve gotta see!” Says the game warden, “would you mind demonstrating?”
“Sure” replies the fisherman and dumps the bucket of fish in the water. The game warden watches astounded as the fish swim away. After a few minutes, the game warden says to the man “aren’t you gonna call the fish back?”
“What fish?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agtprz/pet_fish/
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I wonder why animals have only two genders.

Probably because they don't use social media.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agtoh2/i_wonder_why_animals_have_only_two_genders/
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I once had a teacher named Mr. Gandalf

No one passed his class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agtoba/i_once_had_a_teacher_named_mr_gandalf/
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Thought of a great slogan for a construction company..

We screw, we nut, we bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agtj7e/thought_of_a_great_slogan_for_a_construction/
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Donkey screws a girl

A new circus rolls into New York. Despite the new and wonderful acts, the circus keeps running at half-house.
Worried about his fortunes, the circus owner erects a board saying, 'Never seen before Act, at an invitational price of $69.... Donkey Screws a Girl'
As predicted, the show quickly sells out and the tent is packed to standing capacity....
The ringmaster walks in with a skimpily cladded female performer and a Donkey who looks capable of serious damage....followed by a clown carrying a covered tray.
The crowd goes wild as the performers take centre-stage..
The ringmaster then uncovers the tray with a flourish saying, 'Gentlemen, I present to you... Donkey, Screws, A Girl'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agtivf/donkey_screws_a_girl/
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People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones

But people from Abu Dhabi do...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agtg3b/people_from_dubai_dont_like_the_flintstones/
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Men arent always men

God has decided to add 4 new creatues on earth. He calls over the ass first," You will live for 40 years. However, during this 40 years you will have to work. You will work from dusk till dawn. You will have very little intelligence and you will forever be mocked for it. You will have to live this way till you take your last breath."
The ass after hearing this said," I see my lord. However, I do not see the point of living a life like this for 40 long years. I wish for it to be reduced to 20 years."
"Very well. You will have your lifespan reduced to 30", god replied.
Next came the dog, " You will live a very active life. You will have more intelligence than the ass but often no one will ever value your opinion. Your sole purpose is to be mankinds companion. You will love your master unconditionally but they will not always love you the same way. I have determined that you will live for 30 years.", god said to him.
"I see my lord. However, I see no point in living a life where I will not be appreciated properly. I request you to please reduce my lifespan to 15 years", the dog said.
" Very well. I shall grant your request."
Then came the monkey. "Your intelligence will be the highest among you three. You shall live a carefree life, always jumping from one branch to another. However, you shall always be mocked by man. They will always make fun of you and make you perform various silly acts for their own amusement. You will have a lifespan of 30 years.", god said.
"My lord, I do not see the point of living such a life. Please reduce my lifespan to 15 years.", the monkey said.
" I shall do so", god replied.
And at last came man. "You shall rule the world. No one on earth will be as dominant or as intelligent as you. All living creatures will be inferior to you in every way possible. You shall have a lifespan of 20 years", god said to him.
The man was saddened after hearing that he would have such a short time on earth. " My lord, I wish to live such a life for a longer period of time.
Would be you be kind enough to grant me the 50 years the ass, dog & monkey refused to take?" He said.
"I shall grant you your wish. You will now have a lifespan of 70 years." God replied.
Ever since then men have only been real men for the first 20 years of their lives. After that they must work day & night like an ass to build a career & have a family for 20 years.
Then they must live the dogs life for 15 years, always eager to fulfill their wives & childrens wishes but be unappreciated.
Then they must live like the monkey for their last 15 years, always moving from one kids house to another and having to entertain his grandkids by acting silly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agtezv/men_arent_always_men/
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Bert: Hey Ernie, you want some ice cream?

Sherbert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agt5zs/bert_hey_ernie_you_want_some_ice_cream/
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A catholic priest walks into a bar

He thinks “has it really been set that low?” as he falls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agt4x1/a_catholic_priest_walks_into_a_bar/
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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr sheep, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest."
The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing, and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr tiger, don't drink beer. Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest."
The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit, and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw, and starts mauling the shit out of this rabbit!
The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they say, "Dude, what the fuck? He was just trying to help you!"
The tiger turns to them and say, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agt2f6/a_rabbit_is_hopping_through_the_woods_hop_hop_hop/
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Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won’t listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agszj5/stop_trying_to_convince_deaf_people_to_make/
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How come we never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re REALLY good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agszcy/how_come_we_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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What's the difference between Kobe and time?

Time passes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agsxf8/whats_the_difference_between_kobe_and_time/
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A married woman visited a healer, seeking advice on her relationship

“Please you have to help me. Everyday my husband comes home from work he beats the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
The healer says: “You see, in every man’s soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger. My ancestors believed that all this violence is locked up behind the fah-khab; the gate of wisdom. Well what happens when a man’s fah-khab breaks open? I think you know the answer. But don’t worry, I have a very strong potion that will protect you. Be warned though, it is also poisonous. Whatever you do, don’t swallow it. Just take a sip and keep it in your mouth. It will be safe until your husband goes to bed, then you can spit it out.”
And so he opens a drawer, gives her a little brown bottle and with another warning about never swallowing the potion, he sends her on her way.
The next day she comes back: “I can’t believe it. I tried the potion yesterday and my husband came home, gave me a kiss, made dinner, cleaned up afterwards and then poured a bath for me. I’ve never seen him so gentle and loving. You have to tell me how the potion works!”
To this the healer replied: “It just helps you shut the fah-khab”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agsxdr/a_married_woman_visited_a_healer_seeking_advice/
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Doctor: Have you ever had sex in exchange for money?

Me:  Yeah, I've dated before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agsmse/doctor_have_you_ever_had_sex_in_exchange_for_money/
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What goes red and green, red and green, red, red, red, red?

Frog in a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agslw6/what_goes_red_and_green_red_and_green_red_red_red/
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With a heavy load this semester, a student is under great pressure to maintain a 4.0 GPa

That's 400000000 Pa, and that's a lot of pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agslik/with_a_heavy_load_this_semester_a_student_is/
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What do Australian restaurants and chess have in common?

You finish both with a "Check mate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agskuq/what_do_australian_restaurants_and_chess_have_in/
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A man with an alligator walks in a bar

He tells the bartender he’s a street performer and would like to perform. The bartender is curious about his act so he allows it. The man stands up holding his gator and a jar and announces to the bar that he won’t start until his jar is full of money. The people in the bar are also curious about his act so they all start putting money in the jar and it fills up quickly. As promised, once the jar was full he starts. The man then proceeds to take off his pants, then taps the gator on the nose. The gator opens his mouth and then the man puts his junk in this gator’s mouth. He taps him once more and the gator slams down on this mans genitals. He smashes a bottle over the gator’s head, the gator opens his mouth and the man’s privates are completely fine. The crowd applauds and then the man says to them he will double the amount of money in this jar for anyone who can do the same. The bar gets quiet with a few murmurs here and there until finally a woman in the back stands up. She looked at the gator and told the man, “ I’ll do it, but promise not to hit me with a bottle”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agsfu3/a_man_with_an_alligator_walks_in_a_bar/
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Ancestry.com

Alabama’s #1 dating website.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agsdjk/ancestrycom/
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What's the formula for octopus circumference?

octopi*r2
Of course it should really be octopods*r2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agscku/whats_the_formula_for_octopus_circumference/
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What is Sherlock Holmes' favorite kind of rock?

Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agscem/what_is_sherlock_holmes_favorite_kind_of_rock/
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A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.
The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."
The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?"
The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?"
Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ags9pb/a_lawyer_gets_pulled_over_by_a_police_officer/
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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ags8pi/3_vampires_are_having_a_competition_to_prove_whos/
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Below the southern border is a world of corruption and evil

Good thing I live in North Korea, all praise our glorious leader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ags5s6/below_the_southern_border_is_a_world_of/
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A grape falls off a vine and dries...

Everything happens for a raisin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ags3ub/a_grape_falls_off_a_vine_and_dries/
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A man and his wife are out golfing together

The man accidentally swings his club a little to hard and sends the ball flying through the window of a nearby house. After approaching the window, they see a little man sitting on the couch next to the window and a vase that the ball had broken. After the couple apologizes for the vase, the little man explains: "I'm actually a genie who was trapped in that vase, but when you broke it, you set me free. To thank you, I'm going to grant you each one wish."
The couple thinks for a while and the man says, "I wish we were rich", so the genie closes his eyes and snaps his fingers.
"There, you now have 20 billion dollars in your bank account"
Then, the woman makes her wish: "I wish we had a mansion".
The genie closes his eyes and snaps his fingers again: "In place of your house, you will find a fabulous mansion complete with gardeners and butlers"
"Wow", the man exclaims, "I can't possibly express my thanks"
"Well," the genie replies, "There is one way. I've been stuck in that lamp for 200 years, and I've gotten really horny. Would you be willing to let me have sex with your wife?"
The man looks at his wife, who replies, "He's given us so much, why not?"
After the genie finishes, he comes down and asks the man how old he is. "I turned thirty-one this year," the man says, "Why do you ask?"
"You're thirty-one?" comes the reply, "And you still believe in genies?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agryt4/a_man_and_his_wife_are_out_golfing_together/
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What do you have if you've got a green ball in each hand?

The Hulk's undivided attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agrwch/what_do_you_have_if_youve_got_a_green_ball_in/
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A lot of people are upset about that Gillette commercial

I guess it wasn't made for people with sensitive skin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agrqtt/a_lot_of_people_are_upset_about_that_gillette/
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I didn't realize the ancient Egyptians were so concerned with information security.

Everybody who was important got encrypted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agrq3f/i_didnt_realize_the_ancient_egyptians_were_so/
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One day, a couple of politicians were on a campaign trail.

They would drive from city to city in a bus to deliver speeches, have debates and answer questions. Then, one day, the bus didn't reach its intended destination at all. A couple of concerned voters decided to inquire as to where they disappeared to. After following the bus's intended path for a while they found the bus crashed by the side of the road next to a farm, the occupants nowhere in sight. The voters went to the farmhouse and asked the farmer whether he'd seen the politicians.
The farmer considers their question and responds: "Yeah, I buried them over by that tree over there"
"What!" exclaimed the voters, "They're all dead?"
"Well," the farmer replies, "They kept insisting they weren't, but you know how those politicians lie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agrpm2/one_day_a_couple_of_politicians_were_on_a/
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Lie Detecting Robot

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son.
Son: Ok! I watched a DVD at my mates.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Kung Fu Panda.
The robot slaps the son again.
Son: Ok! It was a Porno.
Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!
The robot slaps the Dad.
Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he’s your son.
The robot slaps the mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agroli/lie_detecting_robot/
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I’d say it’s unfair that kids born into antivax families have to grow up believing that kind of stupidity is okay...

...but that problem sorta solves itself after the first few years, doesn’t it...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agrmec/id_say_its_unfair_that_kids_born_into_antivax/
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A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender
"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"
The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"
"No, I haven't"
"Well, the challenge goes: you get free drinks for the rest of the night," the bartender says, "if you can chug that entire jug of tequila."
"That doesn't seem so hard," said the trucker.
"Oh that's not all," laughed the bartender. "Next, I have a pet alligator out back, and he's got a sore tooth. You'll have to pull that and come back in here with it."
"Jesus."
"And after you're able to do all that, there's a woman upstairs, who's never had an orgasm, so you'll have to go up there and make her toes curl. Only then will you get free drinks for the rest of the night."
The trucker thought for a minute, and said "I'll take the challenge."
He walked over to the tequila jug and began chugging. Other people in the bar ban to turn to watch with some even cheering him on. The trucker's face turned red as he began to run out of breath. After one last gulp, the trucker finished the jug and slammed it on the table. Already violently drunk, he took a second to stop himself from swaying. "WHERE'S THE GATOR?" He finally roared at the bartender. The bartender shakily pointed to the back door in amazement. The trucker drunkenly marches over, pumping himself up for his next challenge. He walks out the back door, and after a few seconds, the patrons of the bar were able to hear the struggle. There was thrashing, and hitting, and snarling, and yelling, then a loud SNAP! And then everything went silent. Moments passed, and then the trucker stumbled into the bar, covered in blood with a broken arm. He stumbled his way over to the bar and slumped down on a stool.
Out of breath and exhausted, he said "Alright, now where's the bitch with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agrjj1/a_trucker_stops_at_a_random_bar_along_the_highway/
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I invited my flat-earther friend to play basketball.

He brought a frisbee with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agrj7u/i_invited_my_flatearther_friend_to_play_basketball/
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Interviewer asked me to name my most positive quality

Turns out HIV won’t get you a job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agrf8r/interviewer_asked_me_to_name_my_most_positive/
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How does a redditor cheer up a sad freind?

By any memes necessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agrdfv/how_does_a_redditor_cheer_up_a_sad_freind/
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A man walks into the doctors office

Doctor: Sir, you have 5 penises.
The Man: I know!
Doctor: How do your pants fit?
The Man: Like a glove!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agqx8b/a_man_walks_into_the_doctors_office/
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What did one tree say to the other?

Nice trunks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agqple/what_did_one_tree_say_to_the_other/
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The Dr. gave Jim a call and said, “Hey Jim, I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“The good news - You have 24 hours left to live.”
“Oh my gosh, doc, what could possibly be the *bad* news!?”
The doctor replied, “I forgot to call you last night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agqm48/the_dr_gave_jim_a_call_and_said_hey_jim_ive_got/
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I don't get anti-vaxxers.

If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agqj1l/i_dont_get_antivaxxers/
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A mexican walks into a french coffee shop

barista: How would you like your coffee?
mexican: Au lait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agqhtm/a_mexican_walks_into_a_french_coffee_shop/
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Kylie Jenner didn't need to go to soviet Russia to learn that in Soviet Russia

Egg beats you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agqh2l/kylie_jenner_didnt_need_to_go_to_soviet_russia_to/
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My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she is up to now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agqdig/my_ex_girlfriend_was_obsessed_with_trying_to/
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Look down a mole hole, what do you see?

Molasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agqcic/look_down_a_mole_hole_what_do_you_see/
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What's R. Kelly's favorite chord to play on the piano?

A Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agqazw/whats_r_kellys_favorite_chord_to_play_on_the_piano/
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A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”
Guy #1 - “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agqao8/a_guy_and_his_friend_are_sitting_on_a_sofa_having/
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I can cut wood just by looking at it.

It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agq5o6/i_can_cut_wood_just_by_looking_at_it/
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I was worried if my laser eye surgeon was going to be any good.

But I can’t see any problem now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agq4q7/i_was_worried_if_my_laser_eye_surgeon_was_going/
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What's the speedlimit for sex?

68, 'cause at 69 you have to stop and turn around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agq4eo/whats_the_speedlimit_for_sex/
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What kinda snake has a lisp?

A Mike Python

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agq1rn/what_kinda_snake_has_a_lisp/
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How is a 9 volt battery like an a**hole?

It may be wrong, but sooner or later you're gonna put your tongue on both of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agq0rm/how_is_a_9_volt_battery_like_an_ahole/
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When I couldn't go a whole day without frolicking through a field, I knew...

I was addicted to gamboling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agpz0v/when_i_couldnt_go_a_whole_day_without_frolicking/
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I'm sick of these undercover cops always trying to bait me with online female personas.

Nice try f/bi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agpucz/im_sick_of_these_undercover_cops_always_trying_to/
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I just got back from my Tinder date and she was confused as to why we weren’t having sex.

Apparently she doesn’t know the difference between a butt dial and a booty call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agph8x/i_just_got_back_from_my_tinder_date_and_she_was/
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what’s the difference between a dirty bus station and a crab with breast implants?

ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agpan3/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_station/
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What do you call terrorist rodents?

MISIS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agp4km/what_do_you_call_terrorist_rodents/
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What do the X-Men call their sperm?

The C-Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agozl0/what_do_the_xmen_call_their_sperm/
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My dog was barking at the neighbour's dog so I gave her a big stick...

Now she barks softly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agoy1l/my_dog_was_barking_at_the_neighbours_dog_so_i/
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How do you get "Dick" from Richard?

You ask him nicely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agova8/how_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
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I once told a joke about macaroni.

It was pretty cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agov6e/i_once_told_a_joke_about_macaroni/
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What is the difference between a White House and a White Castle?

The White Castle is actually open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agol5c/what_is_the_difference_between_a_white_house_and/
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I was just diagnosed with color blindness...

... it came completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agok6q/i_was_just_diagnosed_with_color_blindness/
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Why didn't the flat-earther accept his award at the ceremony?

He didn't believe in golden globes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agog9k/why_didnt_the_flatearther_accept_his_award_at_the/
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Is he permitted to be an estonian desk?

No, he's not a laud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agocyo/is_he_permitted_to_be_an_estonian_desk/
%
"So," began the interviewer, "it states on your CV that you let other people do all the work for you."

I said, "Does it?! My dad's a wanker for writing that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ago9w8/so_began_the_interviewer_it_states_on_your_cv/
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Have you seen the joke about the karma whore?

Yes you have. 7 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ago9i4/have_you_seen_the_joke_about_the_karma_whore/
%
I received a flyer on anger management the other day

I lost it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ago99k/i_received_a_flyer_on_anger_management_the_other/
%
A Russian plane is falling down....

One pilot says to the other
"AHHH WE'RE STALIN"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ago42a/a_russian_plane_is_falling_down/
%
What're a plumber's least favourite shoes?

Clogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ago0p2/whatre_a_plumbers_least_favourite_shoes/
%
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.
She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.
Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”.
To this, the man responds at the top of his voice “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agnykc/a_shy_guy_goes_into_a_pub_and_sees_a_beautiful/
%
Why is my internet provider called Virgin Media...

When my wifi goes down on me every night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agnr44/why_is_my_internet_provider_called_virgin_media/
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Ladies, if your boyfriend can’t appreciate your fruit jokes...

You need to let that mango.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agnr3a/ladies_if_your_boyfriend_cant_appreciate_your/
%
I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician

And a Czech one too. Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agnmjp/i_have_a_polish_friend_whos_a_sound_technician/
%
A doctor performs surgery using local anesthesia

- “Relax, Ernest, it’s just a few cuts with a scalpel. Don’t panic,” the doctor says.
- “But, doctor, my name is not Ernest.”
- “I know... just talking to myself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agnk5x/a_doctor_performs_surgery_using_local_anesthesia/
%
A computer programmer goes fishing. When he comes home his wife asked him how it went?

As he holds up 8 fish, he says "I only got one byte"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agnjs6/a_computer_programmer_goes_fishing_when_he_comes/
%
Cop: You were going 68 in a 55

Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little higher so I can hear the judge saying it out loud?
Cop: Sure whatever
[Later in traffic court]
Judge: How the hell were you going 420 in a 55?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agnil2/cop_you_were_going_68_in_a_55/
%
Little Johnny was sitting by an ant hill squashing every ant he could

A priest and a nun came upon Johnny doing this and asked Johnny to stop. Then asked why Johnny would do such a thing.
Johnny: These ants are useless, and I'm mashing them.
The nun and priest were appalled at his reply, "No, no! Nothing in God's beautiful creation is useless!"
Johnny: Yes, there is. These ants are useless and I'm gonna keep mashing them.
Doubling down, the priest and nun said, "No, nothing in God's creation is useless. But if you can name three things in creation that are useless, we will leave you alone."
Johnny looked up, looked down, mashed a few more ants, looked back up, and said:
"The cock on a priest, the tits on a nun, and these ants. Now leave me alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agn6bm/little_johnny_was_sitting_by_an_ant_hill/
%
Three hunters are lost in the woods, and their prospects aren't looking good.

The three men have been trying to find their way out for hours, but none of the landmarks look familiar, and they're starting to get desperate. Finally, one man remembers his Boy Scout training and says, "Fire three shots in the air, and someone will come find us!"
So they fire three shots and wait for a full hour. But when nobody shows up, the first man says, "Try it again, someone's bound to show up!" The second man loads and fires another three shots, but again, no one comes looking for them.
Finally, the first man suggests firing another three shots just to be sure. The third man replies, "I hope you have a backup plan, because it's getting dark and we only have three arrows left!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agn5o8/three_hunters_are_lost_in_the_woods_and_their/
%
What do you call someone who chokes on a blow pop?

A lollygagger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agn4c1/what_do_you_call_someone_who_chokes_on_a_blow_pop/
%
Why did the scientists clone Chance the Rapper?

Because people deserve a second Chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agmtdv/why_did_the_scientists_clone_chance_the_rapper/
%
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once

I don’t know what they were laced with, but I was tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agmqei/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_once/
%
Communist jokes arent funny.

Unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agmohv/communist_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Al-Qaeda captured a new place to house their men...

It was a hostel takeover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agmnla/alqaeda_captured_a_new_place_to_house_their_men/
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A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." *poof*

He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agmldp/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
%
I don't always listen to Metallica

But when I do, nothing else matters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agmk20/i_dont_always_listen_to_metallica/
%
What do you call a haunted house, whose ghost could not pay the rent?

Repossessed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agmk1v/what_do_you_call_a_haunted_house_whose_ghost/
%
A business man saw a brown cow and black cow

He then saw a farmer tending the cows.
**Business Man:** Hey you, do you know the owners of these cows?
**Farmer:** Which one? The black or the brown?
**Business Man:** The brown one.
**Farmer:** Yes I know.
**Business Man:** How about the black one?
**Farmer:** Yes I know too.
**Business Man:** Okay. Would you know if they are for sale?
**Farmer:** Which one? The black or the brown?
**Business Man:** The brown one.
**Farmer:** Yes it is for sale.
**Business Man:** How about the black one?
**Farmer:** Yeah. It is for sale too.
**Business Man:** How much?
**Farmer:** Which one?
**Business Man:** The black one.
**Farmer:** It's around $200.
**Business Man:** How about the brown one?
**Farmer:** $200.
**Business Man:** Hey smart ass! Your answers are fucking the same! Why do you need to ask which one?!
**Farmer:** Oh. Sorry about that! I asked because I own the brown one.
**Business Man:** Alright. So who owns the black cow?
**Farmer:** I own it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agmjot/a_business_man_saw_a_brown_cow_and_black_cow/
%
What did the colonist say at the Boston Tea Party?

The price is too steep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agmhzm/what_did_the_colonist_say_at_the_boston_tea_party/
%
The most popular guy in school weighs over 300 pounds

People naturally gravitate towards him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agmhw8/the_most_popular_guy_in_school_weighs_over_300/
%
How the hell do you get “Dick” from “Richard” ?

You ask him politely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agmgnf/how_the_hell_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
%
Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*
Dad: *Clenches fist*
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: *Sweats Profusely*
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agmdie/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
%
My wife came home after a long day in the operating room and told me about a patient she had that required eyelid transplants. With no other options they were forced to use skin from the man’s foreskin to complete the transplant...

Apparently he came out a little cock-eyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agm8q9/my_wife_came_home_after_a_long_day_in_the/
%
A woman is out playing golf, when she is stung by a bee.

Started to not feel well, she heads to the emergency room. A doctor comes in to examine her.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Woman: I was, playing golf when I was stung by a bee.
Doctor: Where exactly did it sting you?
Woman: In between the 1st and 2nd hole.
Doctor: My god lady, you must have an extremely wide stance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agm8bx/a_woman_is_out_playing_golf_when_she_is_stung_by/
%
A joke my dad told me when I was little

Three men decide to take a hunting trip. They get to the camping site and set up their tent and immediately get ready and set out on their first day of hunting. After an hour or so one of the men, frustrated and tired of not bagging any animals yet decided to lean up against a tree and take a rest while the other men press on. He tells them he’ll catch up with them in a bit. The other two men spend the next few hours searching and eventually shot a huge beautiful deer. They’re dragging their kill to the campsite when they stop by the tree their friend slept against, surprised to see him still asleep. Fed up with their friends’ lazy day, they have an idea and gut the deer right then and there and leave the guts and blood all over their friend. They return to the site with their kill and set a campfire and drink a few beers. About an hour later, the lazy friend returns to the campsite dragging a stick behind him with a blank look on his face. The two men try to contain their laughter as they asked “what’s wrong?” The lazy friend said: “well, as I was sleeping, I must have shit out all of my guts. But with the lords help, and this stick, I shoved them all back up there.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agm7zt/a_joke_my_dad_told_me_when_i_was_little/
%
I have the memory of an elephant

I went to the zoo one time and saw an elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agm6hy/i_have_the_memory_of_an_elephant/
%
What do you call a fake Willem Dafoe?

Willem DaFaux

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agm5wt/what_do_you_call_a_fake_willem_dafoe/
%
What do you call an orgy where everyone has gonorrhea?

A round of applause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agm2bv/what_do_you_call_an_orgy_where_everyone_has/
%
Today I was jumping with a parachute for the first time and I was scared to death.

It began when the guy who was in the tandem with me asked me how long am I working as an instructor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agm1y2/today_i_was_jumping_with_a_parachute_for_the/
%
My wife crashed the car listening to Adele,

She was rolling in the jeep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agm0s5/my_wife_crashed_the_car_listening_to_adele/
%
A First Mate got drunk

The first mate on a ship had a little too much rum, and unfortunately was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship’s log: "The first mate was drunk today."
"Captain please don’t let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself." "Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer. "Yes, its true" the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That’s the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion" said the captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate’s turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote: "The captain was sober today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aglyih/a_first_mate_got_drunk/
%
An origami artist wanted for murder, has been sending tantalizing clues to police.

The investigation is unfolding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agly1h/an_origami_artist_wanted_for_murder_has_been/
%
Sitting having wine with my girlfriend when she suddenly says ‘ I Love you’

I said is that you talking or the wine..
she said that’s me talking... to the wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aglwat/sitting_having_wine_with_my_girlfriend_when_she/
%
It's amazing how seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid January and I'm freezing.

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aglqn2/its_amazing_how_seasons_work_im_in_japan_its_mid/
%
The Italian Math Test

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere a you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99 ?"
"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aglqer/the_italian_math_test/
%
What does the robot eat for a snack?

Computer chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aglnts/what_does_the_robot_eat_for_a_snack/
%
The captain of a cruise ship tells to the passengers and the crew..

- Dear ones, I have a good and a bad announcement to make.
Which one do you want to hear first?
- "The good one".
- We're going for 14 Oscars!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aglno5/the_captain_of_a_cruise_ship_tells_to_the/
%
My grandfather told me how he tried and tried to warn people that Titanic will sink.

He continued shouting until he was finally kicked out of the cinema!﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aglnkk/my_grandfather_told_me_how_he_tried_and_tried_to/
%
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life

1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aglmtl/there_four_things_we_simply_cannot_choose_in_this/
%
How do you turn water into "holy water?"

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aglm31/how_do_you_turn_water_into_holy_water/
%
After extensive research FDA suggests smoking cures

Ham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aglg6c/after_extensive_research_fda_suggests_smoking/
%
The Breathalyzer Test

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aglfio/the_breathalyzer_test/
%
TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agldk4/til_humans_and_bonobos_are_the_only_creatures/
%
How can you tell if your girlfriend is dead?

The sex is the same but dishes pile up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agld6q/how_can_you_tell_if_your_girlfriend_is_dead/
%
Mountains aren't just funny

They're hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aglagb/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
What do you call a bunch of racist birds?

The coo clucks clan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agl9pe/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_racist_birds/
%
On finding his bride to be a virgin, a newly wedded groom is overjoyed and says, "I wanna kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity for me".

Bride: Kiss my ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agl9kz/on_finding_his_bride_to_be_a_virgin_a_newly/
%
It's a glorious Sunday morning...

... and a parish priest is just waking up.  He looks out of the window, sees the glorious day, and decides to pull a sicky - he phones the Bishop and says he's not well and can't perform Mass.  The Bishop says not to worry, he'll sort things out.
As soon as the Bishop is off the line, the priest grabs his golf club and runs off to the course.  Up in Heaven, St Peter sees this and immediately tells God "Look at that - he's phoned in sick and now he's going to play a round"
God looks down and says "Don't worry, I'll fix this".
Down on the course, the priest approaches the first tee, addresses the ball, a quick practice stroke, and then "BAM!" - the ball flies true, it's a hole in one.  Overjoyed, the priest rushes to the second tee, addresses the ball and "BAM!" - another hole in one.  The third tee - just the same, the priest is nearly delirious with happiness and runs to fourth - "BAM!" another hole in one, and another and another.  At the end of the course, 18 played, score of 18.
St Peter looks down and says to God "I thought you were going to punish him?"
"I am", says God. "Who can he tell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agl9k6/its_a_glorious_sunday_morning/
%
So what if I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid?

I can stop any time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agl6ig/so_what_if_im_addicted_to_drinking_brake_fluid/
%
What does going down on your gf have in common with working for the mafia?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agl6e6/what_does_going_down_on_your_gf_have_in_common/
%
Can I get some help repairing my broken fence posts?

I figure there are enough reposters here that it will only take a few minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agl63k/can_i_get_some_help_repairing_my_broken_fence/
%
One of the Monty Python team has invented an unmanned aircraft that does sky-writing that’s spelled the same backwards as forwards...

It’s a Palin drone...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agl2y8/one_of_the_monty_python_team_has_invented_an/
%
I finally understand the difference between capitalism, libertarianism, and socialism.

Capitalists hire libertarians to say socialism is bad. Socialists say capitalism is bad for free. And libertarians will say everyone else is bad as long as they get paid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agky88/i_finally_understand_the_difference_between/
%
Did you hear about the soldier who got fired?

His superiors had a hard time finding a man of similar caliber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agky12/did_you_hear_about_the_soldier_who_got_fired/
%
Pilot: Ladies and gentleman, I have to inform you we are losing altitude

(pause)
And the reason we are losing altitude is because we are about to land.
(Jesus Christ, funny pilots...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agkx6l/pilot_ladies_and_gentleman_i_have_to_inform_you/
%
A young boy saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes.

The young boy asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said the boy. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, the boy saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said the boy. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.
The next day, the boy was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" The young boy replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" the boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agkx4j/a_young_boy_saw_his_grandpa_smoking_his_cigarettes/
%
If the UK leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1 GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agkv9c/if_the_uk_leaves_the_eu_how_much_space_will_be/
%
Hear about the pimp who wanted to do his part to support the victims of a disaster?

He sent THOTs and prayers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agkrzr/hear_about_the_pimp_who_wanted_to_do_his_part_to/
%
Why is Valve so much better than EA and Ubisoft?

They have a higher Self Esteam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agkovn/why_is_valve_so_much_better_than_ea_and_ubisoft/
%
What would happen if Eminem lost weight and started doing questionable things?

He'd be the real Slim Shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agkmkd/what_would_happen_if_eminem_lost_weight_and/
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If you get helpful tips from a man called Herb...

Is it sage advice?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agklh8/if_you_get_helpful_tips_from_a_man_called_herb/
%
2 men are stranded in the desert, dying of thirst.

As they walk with all hope lost, one of them spots a well in the middle of the desert.
'Look, a well!' - said the first man
'There is no way that well has water... ' - replied the second man
'We should check if it has water. Look, let's drop that rock into the well to check whether it's full or not' - offered the first man optimistically
Both men carry the big rock with huge effort, as it was the only one in sight.
'''SPLASH'''
'See? I knew it would have water. We're saved!'
Surprisingly, as he spoke a goat suddenly jumped into the well for water.
'Even the animals get their water from here, let's go'
As they were about to descend into the well, a shepherd passes by in his car and stops near the two stranded men.
\-'Have you guys by chance seen my goat?' - asked the shepherd
\-'Yeah! We just saw it jump into this well right here!'
\-'That's Impossible, I tied it up to a HUGE rock!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agkld3/2_men_are_stranded_in_the_desert_dying_of_thirst/
%
Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and
thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first one went to see a
professor who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" asked the first redneck.
The professor answered "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do" answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good" the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN"!!!
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae. This is incredible"!!! The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever  heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."
The first redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him walked back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classesare ya takin?" the second redneck asked his friend.
"Math, history, and logic," replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic"? asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater"?
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agkjwk/logic/
%
I don't trust artists

their jobs are sketchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agkjhr/i_dont_trust_artists/
%
Army vs. Navy

An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.
Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.
Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'
The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agkhx1/army_vs_navy/
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so, I was out walking my usual night walk.

a woman was walking, a few meters in front of me, she was about 5 years younger than me. She had a purse that looked kinda expensive and a fur coat.
suddenly she started to walk faster, I got startled why did she begin to walk faster? I was too scared to look behind me so I just started walking faster too.
I jumped when she started to walk even faster, I got really scared now, something was following us. We walked past my house but I didn't have time to go inside, something or someone was following us and I did not want risk it bu running into my house.
So then I began walking faster too. then she began to run! This was serious, someone was after us. I was too scared to do anything but run. She started to sprint for her dear life, I could not believe it! I started to sprint to, my heart racing in my chest.
Whatever or whoever followed us, would not budge. And there we were, running for dear life, when she begins to scream! I got so scared I start to scream too.
I still don't know what followed us that night, but it was the scariest night of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agkh44/so_i_was_out_walking_my_usual_night_walk/
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The Surgeon’s Operation

A surgeon urgently left for work one morning after hearing that a new patient just came in with 3 tumors. He got there as quickly as he could, despite living roughly half an hour away. He managed to get to work before any of his coworkers that were capable of operating on the new patient could. He really wanted to operate on this patient. He regretted not sleeping in the on-call room overnight, but who would’ve know that this patient would arrive?
The doctor headed into the patient’s room only to see that the patient and his family were all there and extremely happy. At least no other surgeons arrived to take this case away from him.
“Hello, I’m Dr. Smith, I’ll be your doctor and surgeon for this operation. May I know why you guys are all so happy? This will be a very risky surgery, and you could lose your life because of it. It will be a very long and difficult operation.”
The patient replied, “Well, we’ve heard so much about you, Dr. Smith, and we have a firm belief that you will be able to remove all three tumors, so we are quite happy knowing that you will probably keep me alive longer than I’d be if I didn’t undergo this operation.”
“Wow,” said the doctor, “I didn’t realize all of you would be so confident in me. Anyways I’ll fill you in on the details.”
The doctor began to feel quite nervous and he felt a lot of pressure because of all the confidence they had in him. He felt like he had to keep the patient alive despite the surgery being so difficult. He still decided to follow through with the operation anyways. He scheduled it for two days from now.
During those two days that he prepared for the operation, thinking about how he’ll do it, he felt very nervous and stressed. The time kept ticking by, and eventually the two days passed, and it was time to perform the surgery.
He drove to work that morning trying to remain calm. Normally he’d feel fine before performing a surgery, but this time he felt nervous which was unlike him. He met with the patient and his assistant, and they took him up to the OR (operation room). It was time to start the operation.
There were 3 tumors, one brain tumor and two on the patient’s spine. He decided to start with the brain tumor. He put the patient under anesthesia and got to work. His hands felt a bit shaky at first, but he put his nervousness aside and focused on his task. He spent hours and hours operating, and he became very tired, but he continued to operate. After a couple more hours and a couple complications, he finally removed the brain tumor without any further problems caused.
He decided to take a short rest and he sat in his chair by the patient and said “Whew, one down, tumor to go.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agkf2r/the_surgeons_operation/
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I was planning to donate my body to science,

but then I realised science has plenty of bodies already.
So now I’m donating my brain to religion instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agkb8x/i_was_planning_to_donate_my_body_to_science/
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If you’re having a bad day...

Just remember that somewhere out there, Theresa May is having a worse one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agkakp/if_youre_having_a_bad_day/
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Food has replaced sex in my life

Now I can’t even get into my own pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agk9ml/food_has_replaced_sex_in_my_life/
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Open and shut case

A cop stopped a speeding car, approached the driver's window and said, "Can I have your license and registration, please?"
The driver said, " I don't have a license. I've never even took driving theory."
The officer asked: " Can I have the car registration?"
"it's not my car, I stole it" answered the driver.
" stolen car??" asked the cop.
" it's true. But when I think about it again, I remember seeing the car license in the glove compartment, when I put the gun in there
" There's a gun in the glove compartment?" the cop asked with surprise.
The driver said, "yes, officer, I put it there after I killed the car owner and put her body in the trunk".
" There's a body in the trunk????"
" yes, officer
The Police officer immediately called it in, and his superior quickly arrived. Within a few minutes, cops were surrounded by the car, and the top ranking police lieutenant approached the driver.
" Sir, can I see your license?" "surely" answered the man while handing over his license.
" who owns the car?" asked the lieutenant.
" she's mine, officer. Here's the car registration".
Asked the Officer: " Could you please slowly open the glove compartment so I can see if there's a gun inside?"
"yeah, but there's no gun inside". Of course there was no gun inside.
The police lieutenant asked, " would you mind opening the trunk? I got information that there's a body ".
"no problem", the driver opened the trunk that was indeed empty.
I don't understand. The cop who arrested you told me you didn't have a license, you stole the car, there's a gun in the glove compartment and a body in the trunk.
Answered the driver: "yeah, sure, I bet that liar told you I was speeding too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agk5l7/open_and_shut_case/
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I like leaving receipts in my pockets

It reminds me of when I had money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agk1q5/i_like_leaving_receipts_in_my_pockets/
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Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a  nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agjqkz/peter_is_driving_down_a_deserted_stretch_of/
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I went paintballing last weekend and it didn't go very well. I got hit by every single paintball that came my way.

On the bright side, it was an overall colourful experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agjpcl/i_went_paintballing_last_weekend_and_it_didnt_go/
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My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agjoyt/my_boyfriend_keeps_talking_about_overthrowing/
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You know they say orange is the new black

I guess that's why Trump is president

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agjokj/you_know_they_say_orange_is_the_new_black/
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I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today

Turns out she was seeing someone on the side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agjno5/i_broke_up_with_my_crosseyed_girlfriend_today/
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What does Hitler and acetone have in common?

They work as polish remover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agjjxk/what_does_hitler_and_acetone_have_in_common/
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If your parachute doesn't open...

you have the rest of your life to fix it ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agjja8/if_your_parachute_doesnt_open/
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Dating a girl that has a child...

... it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agjhda/dating_a_girl_that_has_a_child/
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Tesco mechanical doctor

Tesco have installed a medical machine, that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tapwater is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking elbow won't get better!" Thank you for shopping at Tesco."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agjgb9/tesco_mechanical_doctor/
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I want to get something off my chest...

My Breasts and my name is Bob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agjaxh/i_want_to_get_something_off_my_chest/
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"Herr General, the Italians have entered the war"

said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.
"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."
"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."
Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agj9tn/herr_general_the_italians_have_entered_the_war/
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I was walking a girl home last night, and at some point, things got a little awkward.

She turned around, and saw me walking her home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agj6za/i_was_walking_a_girl_home_last_night_and_at_some/
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Why do the leaves turn red at the same time each year?

Because the process is autumnated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agj63g/why_do_the_leaves_turn_red_at_the_same_time_each/
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My friend is a gay midget, who finally decided it was time to tell his parents

I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agj5gy/my_friend_is_a_gay_midget_who_finally_decided_it/
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You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince

But apparently only seven before you're banned from that stuck-up aquarium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agj081/you_have_to_kiss_a_lot_of_frogs_before_you_find/
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I stand corrected. Thank you sir!

Said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agitji/i_stand_corrected_thank_you_sir/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a German, and an American are on a plane flying over the South Pacific.

The pilot suddenly announces; "Sorry gents, but looks like our plane is overloaded. Three of you are going to have to take a parachute and jump out, and I'll have them send a rescue plane back for you."
First the Englishman gets up, grabs a parachute, and steps out the plane, shouting; "God save the Queen!"
Next the Frenchman gets up, grabbing a parachute and stepping out of the plane, shouting; "Vive la France!"
Then the German gets up to get a parachute, but before he can get it on the American shoves him out of the plane, shouting;
"This is for Pearl Harbour, you fuckin' commie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agiq6t/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_german_and_an/
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I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium and Hydrogen but...

Nah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agipj6/i_was_gonna_tell_a_joke_about_sodium_and_hydrogen/
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Guy named Eddie walks into the men's room at a bar.

As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?"
"What can I do for you?" says Eddie, praying he isn't going to ask what he thinks he might. Sure enough, he does.
"I know this is a lot to ask of a complete stranger, but would you mind unbuttoning my trousers so I can take a leak? As you can see, I'm in a tight spot here."
Eddie grimaces a little before reluctantly agreeing. He quickly reaches over and undoes the guy's zipper.
Armless guy then says, "Do you think you could, you know, pull it out for me? Sorry to ask, but I'm about to piss myself.
Eddie says, "You gotta be kidding. You're asking me to grab your dick and aim it towards the pisser?"
"Please, man, I don't have any other options here."
Eddie, feeling sorry for the guy and feeling pissed off simultaneously, mutters to himself as he reaches in, and gingerly pulls out his dick. As he does, he first of all notices this putrid smell before seeing several open oozing sores on the guy's dick. Totally disgusting. While the guy is pissing, Eddie rushes over to the sink and washes his hands in hot water. As  the armless guy finishes up, Eddie grabs a couple of paper towels because he knows what's coming. Sure enough, he gets asked if he'll put it away for him.
As he tucks the guy's horrific pecker back into his trousers and buttons him up, Eddie says to the guy, "OK listen, I'm sorry but I have to ask ... What the hell is the deal with your dick?!
"Beats the shit out of me," he answers, and then produces both arms from inside his jacket and slides them into his sleeves, "But I sure as fuck don't want to touch it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agikgs/guy_named_eddie_walks_into_the_mens_room_at_a_bar/
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Yesterday I heard someone complain that there is no lesbian representation in marvel

Which makes no sense because the shocker has been a spiderman villain for years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agibtw/yesterday_i_heard_someone_complain_that_there_is/
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My friend walked to the end of the world to prove the earth is flat

Eventually he came around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agib0x/my_friend_walked_to_the_end_of_the_world_to_prove/
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How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agi9pb/how_many_brexiteers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Did you know 'cyka blyat' is Russian for 'watch out'?

That's what I learnt from watching dash cam videos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agi5c7/did_you_know_cyka_blyat_is_russian_for_watch_out/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aghs05/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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The solution to sin (Long-ish)

One day Saint Gabriel goes to God and says "Lord, there is so much sin in the world. Adultery, murder, lust, it's getting out of hand. We need to find a solution." The Lord agrees with Gabriel, and tasks him with devising a solution.
Gabriel convenes with the Angels, and they get down to thinking. They decide not to do another flood, since they said they wouldn't do that again. Fire and brimstone is ruled out for being too destructive. Then Gabriel says, "Maybe instead of looking for a direct solution, we should look for the root cause of the problem." After much deliberation, the cause of all the excess sinning is found.
Gabriel goes to the Lord and says, "We've done it, we've found the cause of all this sinning. It's the oral sex. All the oral sex people are having is causing this sinning. So we've decided to send a message to all the people having oral sex, so that they will stop." The Lord says, "No, we won't do that. Instead, we will craft a ten-word message for all the people *not* having oral sex. Those ten words will be so enlightening, so impactful, so awe-inspiring, that those few not having oral sex will feel compelled to share it with all the rest."
Do you know what that message was?
I don't know, I didn't get it either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aghpju/the_solution_to_sin_longish/
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I think I just disproved gravity!

This research is going to have Issac Newton floating in his grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aghp2q/i_think_i_just_disproved_gravity/
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Wars in the Iberian Peninsula

Having forged a marriage alliance, the kingdoms of Castille and Aragon formed Spain, a united Catholic front to drive the Moors outside of Iberia.
One of the more important battles in the subsequent Reconquista was the siege of Cordoba. Though historians debate what exact tactics the commander of each side used during the clash, one of the more controversial theories suggested that the Catholic Navarran general used an unorthodox tactic.
Having surrounded the Muslim-controlled city, he had half of his men charge the city while ordering the rest to remain standing still, looking confused.
Sensing some form of indecision, the Moors tried to take advantage and sallied from their walls to engage the split-up force, but it was a trap. The general had successfully baited the Moorish army outside where he slaughtered them before they could retreat.
"It was natural that the Moors were caught off guard," claims Dr. Mike Palin, a historian specializing in all things Hispania, "Nobody expects the Spanish indecision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aghol3/wars_in_the_iberian_peninsula/
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Children are a lot like farts

you can normally tolerate your own but other people's are particularly unpleasant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aghfet/children_are_a_lot_like_farts/
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Quantum physicists have the best sex.

They know all the super positions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agheh6/quantum_physicists_have_the_best_sex/
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What’s the difference between a blind sniper and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can’t hit, and the other hoots but can’t shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aghcik/whats_the_difference_between_a_blind_sniper_and_a/
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Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be 2 and now its a sensitive topic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agh9qw/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
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Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans?

Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agh8mf/why_is_it_called_canning_if_its_storing_things_in/
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What do kids with autism get when you vaccinate them?

To live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agh7ei/what_do_kids_with_autism_get_when_you_vaccinate/
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What do you call the testicles of a peacock?

His peanuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agh60s/what_do_you_call_the_testicles_of_a_peacock/
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I brought home my report card to proudly show I had received a 'B' in Reading. ..

... but my Mom said, "you numbskull, that's a 'D' !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agh2dg/i_brought_home_my_report_card_to_proudly_show_i/
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Why do pirates love reddit

It is the best place to trade stolen content for gold, arrrrrrr!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aggwnj/why_do_pirates_love_reddit/
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I could really go for some synonym buns.

Just like the ones grammar used to make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aggv1x/i_could_really_go_for_some_synonym_buns/
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Poop jokes aren't my favourite

But they are a solid number two!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agguwh/poop_jokes_arent_my_favourite/
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What is the only word spelled with a single K?

Potassium!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aggt0s/what_is_the_only_word_spelled_with_a_single_k/
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The weather in London is crazy right now.

It's the middle of January, but it feels like the end of May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aggmo2/the_weather_in_london_is_crazy_right_now/
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5 surgeons discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the asshole are interchangeable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aggmbg/5_surgeons_discussing_who_makes_the_best_patients/
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The Three Monks

Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite excited about the new arrival and told all of the townspeople to come see it! Unfortunately, it wasn't long before the plant ate one of the townsfolk.
Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time so, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. The town's only police officer stood up and declared "I'm the law in these parts, I'll run them out!" This was met with approval by one and all.
So, the police officer goes to the flower shop and, tells the monks "get out of town and take your man-eating plant with you!' The monks are rather shocked by this and ask the officer if he has even seen the offending plant in order to get the evidence he needed to run them off. He of course hadn't so, he goes in to see the plant, and wouldn't you know it, he gets to close and it eats him!
Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time. They did not even have a police officer now! So, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few remaining residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. The town's only fire fighter stood up and declared "I'll chop down that plant with my trusty ax!" This was met with approval by one and all.
And so, the fireman goes to the shop to run the monks out of town, he is met by the bewildered monks at the door of the shop. "get out of my way monks!" he cries, "I'm here to take care of that pesky plant of yours!". Frightened by this burly man wielding an ax, the monks quickly retreat. The fireman charges into the room, trips over a loose board and falls right into the mouth of the man eating plant!
Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time. They did not even have a police officer or a fire fighter now! So, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few remaining residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. A little elderly woman near the back stands up and meekly says, "My nephew Hugh can stop them!" There is great commotion in response to this but, the people finally agree that this is as good of a plan as any, "not like we have anyone else, right?"
And so, Hugh, goes down to the flower shop and demands that the monks leave town immediately and that they take their man-eating plant with them. And wouldn't you know it, those monks took off faster than you could blink!
The moral of this story, Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aggjtq/the_three_monks/
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Barman: "Would you like a beer for your wife?"

"That sounds like a fair swap"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agg72u/barman_would_you_like_a_beer_for_your_wife/
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What was the first thing the farmers daughter said after watching a sheep give birth for the first time?

Ewe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agg71h/what_was_the_first_thing_the_farmers_daughter/
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Because of the egg getting the most liked picture on Instagram an age old question has been answered.

The egg came first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agg6dj/because_of_the_egg_getting_the_most_liked_picture/
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What is Miley Cyrus’ favorite color?

Twerkoise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agg60s/what_is_miley_cyrus_favorite_color/
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My ex-girlfriend had this really wierd fetish...

...where she would dress up like herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agg4bf/my_exgirlfriend_had_this_really_wierd_fetish/
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Why was the potato so hungry?

It was baked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agg188/why_was_the_potato_so_hungry/
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My doctor just thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample.

I told him it was the least I could doo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agfy1r/my_doctor_just_thanked_me_for_submitting_the/
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I read this joke in a book of Jewish humor some years ago.

An elderly Jewish woman was about to board an El Al flight from JFK to Tel Aviv, carrying her little lap dog in a cage, covered by a blanket.  The gate agent informed her that there was no way she could carry the dog aboard the plane, but assured her the dog would be perfectly safe in the luggage compartment, so reluctantly she gave up little Hymie to travel downstairs.
When the flight landed, the luggage handlers discovered that little Hymie was dead, so to avoid disappointing the old lady, they made up a security related excuse to keep the plane on the tarmac and all passengers aboard, while they sent agents to every pet store in Tel Aviv to find an identical looking dog.
After an hour and a half, during which all the passengers believed the security personnel were looking for a bomb or something, they made the switch, pulled up to the gate, and allowed the passengers to deplane.  The airport manager himself greeted the old lady, holding the cage with the lookalike dog happily barking inside, and told the old lady that they had kept their word and the dog was unharmed.
The old lady said, “That’s not my Hymie!”  The manager assured her it was her dog, but she insisted, saying, “My little Hymie was 18, and he died the other day.  I was bringing him to be buried in Israel!”﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agfx8g/i_read_this_joke_in_a_book_of_jewish_humor_some/
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I only knock up anti-vaxxers.

Better to pay 4 years of child support than 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agfwxy/i_only_knock_up_antivaxxers/
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People that get entomology and etymology mixed up...

Bug me in ways I can’t put in words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agfse7/people_that_get_entomology_and_etymology_mixed_up/
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People are usually shocked

When they find out how bad of an electrician I am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agfof5/people_are_usually_shocked/
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What do you call a Native American who's a habitual liar?

Shitting Bull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agfmob/what_do_you_call_a_native_american_whos_a/
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What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week days
Found this in r/punny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agflov/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
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One day, workers at a hospital noticed something very peculiar.

Everyday Tuesday, at approximately  11:24 pm, whichever patient was lying in bed 3 in room 152 would inexplicably die, no matter what condition they were in. This phenomenon went on for sometime, baffling scientists and doctors all over the world and starting many conspiracy theories centered on the incident. Soon a committee gathered to finally put an end to the speculation. A group of 10 scientists and doctors gathered together in the room, hooking up machines to monitor a very nervous patient's vitals. Some of the more superstitious clutched crosses and other symbols to potentially ward off evil spirits. The event was also being live streamed to viewers everywhere. At 11:20, the group retreated to the edges of the room. With the world holding its breath, everyone watched as at exactly 11:24 pm the janitor walked in and unplugged the life support to plug in his vacuum cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agfkys/one_day_workers_at_a_hospital_noticed_something/
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Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.﻿
Source: A comment on the newest DONG video.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agfgeg/once_upon_a_time_there_were_three_kingdoms/
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Did you hear about the kid born w/o an eyelid?

When they circumcised him, they used the extra skin to fix his eyelid.
The procedure went fine, he's a little cockeyed now though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agfdpn/did_you_hear_about_the_kid_born_wo_an_eyelid/
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The other day, we took my Grandpa to one of those spas where the fish eat your dead flesh.

It's a lot cheaper than cremation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agfdkq/the_other_day_we_took_my_grandpa_to_one_of_those/
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Old but gold: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

A: None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agfb08/old_but_gold_how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to/
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What do you call Australian slang?

Dingo Lingo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agf5md/what_do_you_call_australian_slang/
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Three old man are complaining about their age

The first old man grumbles "it sucks being 70, I can't take a piss because of my bladder issues, it never seems to want to come out unless I take my pills"
The second old man scoffs and goes "nah nah, 80 is where it gets real bad. My bowels are so bad, I can't shit without prunes and laxatives!"
And then the third old man giggles and goes, "you don't know how easy you got it, because when you get to 90, that's the worst"
"why? Because you can't take a piss?" the first old man asked.
"no no, in fact, I always take a pee at 8am on the dot" the third man replied.
"then, is it because you can't shit?" the second man asked
"nope. On the contrary, I always take a crap at 9am, every morning, like clockwork." the third man chuckled.
The first two man looked at each other and then at the third old man and asked "then what's the problem?"
The third old man just sighed and said "I only ever wake up at 10am"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agf3u6/three_old_man_are_complaining_about_their_age/
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What do celebrity horses eat?

Matthew McConaughay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agf25h/what_do_celebrity_horses_eat/
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I have a one handed girlfriend.

She's alright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agex9u/i_have_a_one_handed_girlfriend/
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Why did the music note drop out of college?

Because it couldn’t pick a major

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agew7h/why_did_the_music_note_drop_out_of_college/
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What does a hornytoad say?

Rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ageunh/what_does_a_hornytoad_say/
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What is Gordan Ramseys favorite disney movie?

Its fucking FROZEN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agen64/what_is_gordan_ramseys_favorite_disney_movie/
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Two married women have a girls night out...

Once a month they go out drinking while they’re husbands watch the kids. After one particularly crazy night they were on their way home when they both had to pee. They pulled over at a local graveyard and decided that spot was as good as any. Woman #1 decided that in order to keep from making a mess she’d remove her panties completely to urinate. Woman #2 saw her doing that and thought of a better idea. She would take the ribbon off a nearby wreath from a grave and use it to wipe.
So they both did their business and went home to sleep.
The next morning the husbands got in contact. Husband #1 said, “Man, we’ve got to stop these ladies nights. They’re getting out of control. My wife came home last night with no panties on.”
Husband #2 said, “Oh that’s nothing. Last night when my wife came home she had a greeting card in the crack of her ass that said ‘From all of us at the fire department, we’ll never forget you’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agelt8/two_married_women_have_a_girls_night_out/
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5 year old son after reading a story about a king

Son:Mom, I also want 5 wives.one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me
Mom:And one will put you to sleep
Son:No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son
Mom:but who will sleep with your 5 wives?
Son:Let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agek64/5_year_old_son_after_reading_a_story_about_a_king/
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How can you tell the difference between a theist and an atheist?

Ask them to read GODISNOWHERE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ageh2i/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_theist/
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My ex wife says she misses me

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/age5ql/my_ex_wife_says_she_misses_me/
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/age0yd/a_woman_takes_a_lover_home_during_the_day_while/
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You already know the punchline.

What is the worst part about time travelling jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agdzut/you_already_know_the_punchline/
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Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.

It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agdzo0/only_10_of_americans_file_their_taxes_correctly/
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I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition,

Dear Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agdzdy/i_was_passing_by_my_sons_bedroom_and_was/
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How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patiens were shouting "13...13...13".
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting "14...14...14".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agdu4v/how_i_learned_to_mind_my_own_business/
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Fun fact:

No matter how much you try to prevent it, one day you may wake up with a large washbasin knocking on your door.
Just let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agdqtt/fun_fact/
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Being an adult, I now realize how wise and correct my father really was...

I am worthless and will never amount to anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agdilo/being_an_adult_i_now_realize_how_wise_and_correct/
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A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”
The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.” On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, “What happened to you?” The man said, “No one showed up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agdgld/a_man_went_to_the_doctors_office_to_get_a_double/
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Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

So that both of us are in A la mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agdfjr/whenever_my_muslim_roommate_goes_to_pray_i_sit/
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Ok, so imagine there’s a catastrophe in Korea.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the ground and every floor of every building gets extremely hot. In fact, it’s so hot it melted through the bottoms of every shoe in its major city. Fortunately, this predicament stopped as soon as it started, and so nobody’s super hurt, though a fair number of people happened to be barefoot, and their feet ended up burnt. Most people still came away without even a minor burn or were smart enough to get their feet off the ground once they could feel it was getting hot. As far as people could search, nobody with shoes realized in time.
South Korea, worried about the incident recurring, closes its borders, turning away any and all flights scheduled to come in or out. A shipment of shoes from elsewhere could not be scheduled for another week.
You decide to investigate. You’re curious. You can get to one of the runways as it doesn’t seem to be protected in any way, you have a charter plane and know how to pilot it, and it would be easy to sneak off the coast without the FAA noticing. You’re on your way.
You arrive in Korea near a big city. Suddenly you realize.
You are the sole soul in Seoul whose shoes have soles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agda3c/ok_so_imagine_theres_a_catastrophe_in_korea/
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My girlfriend said, "Your penis is like a computer."

"Why, because it is so reliable?" I asked
She said, "No, because it is Microsoft."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agd8tw/my_girlfriend_said_your_penis_is_like_a_computer/
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One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.

The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong, why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agd6dw/one_night_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_sad/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Michael Fox has a short one, Madonna doesn't have one, The pope has one but doesn't use it. What is it?

A last name :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agd5rx/arnold_schwarzenegger_has_a_long_one_michael_fox/
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I played plague inc and choose to upgrade infect by food

Now i can’t infect africa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agd3jj/i_played_plague_inc_and_choose_to_upgrade_infect/
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Two nuns are sat in the park one....

Two nuns are sat in the park one quiet evening and a vampire appears.
One Nun says 'quick show him your cross'
The other nun says 'BUGGER OFF YOU TOOTHY GIT WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A NICE EVENING!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agcxv5/two_nuns_are_sat_in_the_park_one/
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For me, sex is like a game

Single player

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agcvwe/for_me_sex_is_like_a_game/
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I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agcuxe/i_get_anxious_when_i_watch_game_of_thrones_with/
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I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agcuwo/i_was_having_sex_with_my_friends_wife_the_phone/
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Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocaine?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agcsk7/why_did_the_buddhist_refuse_novocaine/
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agcnv5/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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What’s the difference between Trump and Humpty Dumpty?

Humpty Dumpty has a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agcloc/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_humpty/
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How are you likin' these sons of bitches?

One day a fisherman in a small town begins to catch a new type of fish in his nets that he's never seen before. Since he wasn't going to waste fish that he'd caught, he decides to go ahead and cook them anyways and see how they taste. To his delight, the mystery fish are quite magnificent. He digs around in his attic for an old fishing book that his grandfather had passed down to him, and lo and behold identifies the fish as the "son of a bitch."
Excited, the fisherman goes and sees the priest, who is a good friend of his. He cooks the fish and serves it to the priest, and as he is eating, the fisherman asks the priest.
"So Father, how are you likin' these sons of bitches?"
The priest is shocked, and scolds the man for using such profanity towards a man of God. Embarrassed, the fisherman quickly explains that it is only the name of the fish. The priest calms down and reveals that it is indeed the best fish he's ever had. The priest calls the deacon from the next town over, and tells him that he must come and try the fish.
The following day, the fisherman, the priest, and the deacon all sit down for the fish fry. As the deacon is eating the fish, the priest asks him.
"So Deacon, how are you likin' these sons of bitches?"
Understandably, the deacon is outraged that a priest would use foul language in his presence. However, he does loosen up after the priest and fisherman quickly explain to him that it is only the name of the fish.
The deacon ends up enjoying the fish so much so that he calls in a few favors and manages to get the Pope to visit the small town. The town is ecstatic, and plans an enormous feast to celebrate the Pope's arrival. The fisherman catches fish for weeks in preparation for the event. The day finally comes when the pope arrives, and the fisherman, the priest, and the deacon are all very eager for him to try the fish.
They finally sit down, and the Pope begins to eat. Shortly after, the deacon asks him.
"My dear Holy Father, how are you likin' these sons of bitches?"
The Pope looks aghast at him, shocked at what he said. Suddenly, his face softens, he leans back in his chair and puts his feet up on the table and says, "Motherfuckers ain't bad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agckca/how_are_you_likin_these_sons_of_bitches/
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What's the difference between my penis and my jokes

Women don't laugh at my jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agcg23/whats_the_difference_between_my_penis_and_my_jokes/
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Little Johnny came down to Breakfast.

His mom says, "What do you want for breakfast Johnny?"
Johnny Replies, "Just give me some fuckin' corn flakes!"
His mom, shocked at first, grabs the broom and begins to beat the shit out of little Johnny. Johnny screams for his life.
All the while Johnny's little brother Timmy witnesses all of this and is staring at Johnny who is now in the fetal position on the floor, sobbing.
His mother, still out of breath, looks up at Timmy.
"Well," says his mother, "What do you want for breakfast?"
Timmy says, "I don't know, but I sure as hell don't want no fuckin' corn flakes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agcbwm/little_johnny_came_down_to_breakfast/
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My wife asked if I still pleasure myself... So I decided to answer honestly...

She was kind of upset, so I tried to come up with a good analogy to explain it and smooth things over. So I said:
Sometimes you get hungry, and a nice steak dinner would be awesome. First you have to let it come to room temp, season it, sear it, let it rest. While you're doing that you have to do all this multitasking to get the sides ready and hope that everything is done at the same time because it's kind of awkward if one of the things finishes first. Then there's the cleanup.
Sometimes you don't really want all that effort so you just grab some bread and slap some lunch-meat on it and have a quick sandwich. Satisfies the hunger and you don't have to do all that work.
I, uh, "ate a lot of sandwiches" over the next few months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agc9e4/my_wife_asked_if_i_still_pleasure_myself_so_i/
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Who was the first reposter?

Moses.
(.....)
He could control sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agblj2/who_was_the_first_reposter/
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Their ones was a very old monk...

who took a while to get anywhere he was going because he was afraid that he would fall and break something.  Everywhere he went he would walk in his bare feet because he had forsworn shoes as part of his vows.  His breath was so bad that people claimed that they could smell it from the other room.  They called him the Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-with-halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agbkhr/their_ones_was_a_very_old_monk/
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around 8:00 pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you,” the husband said. “I've been having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agbjkn/a_married_man_was_having_an_affair_with_his/
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Why did Hitler fail literature class?

He was anti-semantic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agbgaz/why_did_hitler_fail_literature_class/
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The Texan Rancher and the Kentucky Farmer

A Texas Rancher was driving his truck through Kentucky one day when he sees a farmer out tending his field.  He pulls over on a whim to talk to the farmer.
"Greetings friend!  This looks like a pretty nice farm.  How much land do you have?"
The Farmer gestures, "Well you see that river down yonder?  My farm stretches from that river to the rock pile over the next hill."
The Rancher replies, "That is a fair bit of land, but back in Texas I've got so much land I can get into my truck at dawn on one edge of it, drive all morning and still not reach the other side by noon."
The Farmer is thoughtful for a moment and says, "You know, I had a truck like that once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agbeyg/the_texan_rancher_and_the_kentucky_farmer/
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Why Aren't DJs allowed in the Fish Market?

They always drop the bass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agbeqj/why_arent_djs_allowed_in_the_fish_market/
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To anyone who works at McDonalds who is feeling bad about their life choices just remember...

You can technically put White House Catering staff on your CV now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agb603/to_anyone_who_works_at_mcdonalds_who_is_feeling/
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Train in a tunnel

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agb518/train_in_a_tunnel/
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My doctor told me he doesn't want to work anymore and we'll have to cancel my next visit.

I got disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agb3kt/my_doctor_told_me_he_doesnt_want_to_work_anymore/
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Why did the Pepsi rep get fired?

His blood tested positive for Coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agazu7/why_did_the_pepsi_rep_get_fired/
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A friend of mine...

A Friend of mine told me my math skills are average.
That's just mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agatd3/a_friend_of_mine/
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I bought the new "Ford" vacuum cleaner, but it doesn't work.

I guess it's the only thing Ford has made that doesn't suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agar2e/i_bought_the_new_ford_vacuum_cleaner_but_it/
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90% of accident are caused by people

90% of people are caused by accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agaoi4/90_of_accident_are_caused_by_people/
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Trumps wall is fool-proof...

Take china for example, they've had a wall for 2000 years and still no mexicans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agami3/trumps_wall_is_foolproof/
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This bloke was in the street with a stall selling balaclavas.

"Balaclavas! Get your balaclavas!" he shouted. "Ladies and gentlemen, get your balaclavas!"
So I walked up to him and said, "I'm a cop."
He said, "Would you like a balaclava?"
I said, "You didn't hear me right. I'm a cop."
"Yes," he said. "But I supposed you might want to hide that smug fucking face of yours for once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agamhd/this_bloke_was_in_the_street_with_a_stall_selling/
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I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agamf5/ive_finally_treated_myself_to_one_of_those_new/
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What do you call an infant with no hands?

A feetus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agak0j/what_do_you_call_an_infant_with_no_hands/
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One of my old theater director’s favorites

In an old, medieval village, there was a church, with a high bell tower. The bell hadn’t been rung in many a long year.
One day, a man with no arms finds the priest of the church and says, “Father, I’d like to be your official bell ringer.”
Confused, the priest responds “But how can you ring the bell with no arms?”
The man replies, “Just take me to the bell and I’ll show you. Trust me.”
Still confused, but curious, the priests humors him and takes him to the top of the bell tower. When they got up there, the armless man readies himself, and runs full tilt at the bell, slamming his head against it. The bell begins to move.
The priest is shocked, but part of him is still intrigued, so he just stands and watches as the man with no arms rams into the bell a second time, and then a third. At this point, the clapper of the bell has begun to hit the inside. People from all over the village are coming out of their houses, confused that the bell that had stayed silent for so long was now ringing again.
The armless man, visibly disoriented, readies himself for one last ram. He charges forward, but this time misjudges his run and flies straight past the bell, off the edge of the tower, and falls to the ground, dead. The people below are shocked, and look up to see the priest staring down at them.
“Father,” they say, “Who is this man? What’s going on?”
To this the priest responds “Well...I don’t know his name. But his face rings a bell!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agai2e/one_of_my_old_theater_directors_favorites/
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agag6p/sometimes_i_tuck_my_knees_into_my_chest_and_lean/
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“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself, I sneaked in and watched him making those stupid little peach shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agafk3/leave_the_peach_cobbler_in_the_kitchen_alone/
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How do you like your steak sir?

WAITER: How do you like your steak sir?
ME: Like winning an argument with my wife
WAITER: Rare it is then sir!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agaem5/how_do_you_like_your_steak_sir/
%
Why don't blind people skydive?

Because it scares the hell out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agacjm/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
%
A young native American boy visits his father, the chief of the village

After a few minutes of casual discussion, the wise chief could tell the boy was upset, so he finally asks "My son, what troubles you?"
Reluctantly, the boy answers "I... seek your knowledge, father."
Smiling proudly at his son's quest for improvement, he eagerly agrees, "Of course, my son! Of course! What do you wish to know? How to track buffalo? Or perhaps how to find water in the desert?"
Reluctant still, the young boy continues "father, I wish to know who chooses the names given to children born here in the village."
The chief frowned, disappointed, "Well as chief of the people, that responsibility lies with me. This is common knowledge in the village. You did not need to seek me out for this simple question."
"Yes, father" the boy agrees, "but how do you *know* what names to give the children?"
"Ah," said the chief, his hardened expression softening a bit, "Now that is a much better question. For, none in the village know my secret."
"What is it, father?" the boy asks with great interest.
"I shall tell you, as this will one day be your duty" the chief said with excitement, "The great spirits send me messages at the exact moment when a baby is born. That is how I give names to newborns."
Confused, the young boy questions further, "But father, how? How do they send you messages?"
The chief shurgs, "It is always different. I never know." Seeing that the boy was still confused, he said "I will give you an example; your brother Running Bear, the night he was born I looked out into the night and saw a brown bear running into the woods. That was the spirits telling me to name your brother Running Bear."
"And what about my cousin?" The boy shyly asked.
"Your cousin, Soaring Eagle?" Said the chief, "Well, the morning he was born, I looked up to see a great eagle soar over the village. This was the spirits telling me to name your cousin Soaring Eagle."
At this, he noticed tears welling up in the boys eyes, and the chief, at his wits end, blurted out, "Now enough of this, Two Dogs Fucking, tell me what is wrong!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/agabpv/a_young_native_american_boy_visits_his_father_the/
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I asked the librarian in my local bookshop if they had the self help book for men with small penises.

She said, “I don’t think it’s in yet.”
“Yeah that’s the one” I said!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aga1f8/i_asked_the_librarian_in_my_local_bookshop_if/
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I’m giving away a free parachute

No strings attached

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag9yla/im_giving_away_a_free_parachute/
%
What do you call it when Batman decides not to go to church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag9y2c/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_decides_not_to_go/
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Did anyone else hear about the Vatican naming swiss as the official cheese for christianity?

Yea that's right, it's the holiest of cheeses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag9u2e/did_anyone_else_hear_about_the_vatican_naming/
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What do you call an idiot who steals prescription drugs from pharmacies?

An oxy-moron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag9qfi/what_do_you_call_an_idiot_who_steals_prescription/
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I really excel at dressing up in armour

It's my strongest suit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag9lt5/i_really_excel_at_dressing_up_in_armour/
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What did the prostitute biology teacher say?

Sex cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag9h5z/what_did_the_prostitute_biology_teacher_say/
%
I asked ryu if I could do a jumping uppercut on him...

He said Shoryuken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag9fg4/i_asked_ryu_if_i_could_do_a_jumping_uppercut_on/
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I was going to tell you guys how I wanted to punish my homophobic robot for its outdated views,

Butt fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag9e9n/i_was_going_to_tell_you_guys_how_i_wanted_to/
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Yo mama so fat

Her memory foam has Alzheimer’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag987o/yo_mama_so_fat/
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The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck...

Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag95ab/the_day_microsoft_makes_a_product_that_doesnt_suck/
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What sound does meat make when it sneezes?

Au jus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag93qj/what_sound_does_meat_make_when_it_sneezes/
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The zipper long

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.'
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,
'Your fly is open..' He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his 'barracks door.'
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?'
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, 'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag93aq/the_zipper_long/
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What happened to Dido's career?

It diedo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag92p7/what_happened_to_didos_career/
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What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag92im/whats_it_called_when_a_chameleon_cant_change_its/
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A young man is out for his first date with an older lady...

It goes very well, and they wind up in the back seat of his car, messing around.
"Put a finger in me..." she whispers.
"Okay.."
"Now put two fingers in..."
"Okay..."
"Put *four* in, baby..."
"Alright..."
"Now put your whole hand in!"
"Urgggh...! Okay..."
"Oh, yes! Now put your other hand in!"
"Uhhhhhrrrrg! Whew! Done!"
"Now clap!"
"Rrrrggghhh!!! I... I can't!"
"Tight, eh!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag8yqn/a_young_man_is_out_for_his_first_date_with_an/
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A man comes home to find his door lock is not working properly

He promptly unscrews the hinges, picks up the door and takes it to the market to repair the lock.
The locksmith asks *"If the door's here...what if someone walks into your house?"*
Confused, he replies *"How would anyone get in when I have the door?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag8wvj/a_man_comes_home_to_find_his_door_lock_is_not/
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The Last Supper

*Jesus raises cup of wine*
Jesus: This is my blood
*Jesus raises plate of bread*
Jesus: This is my body
*Jesus raises tub of mayonnaise*
Jesus: This is m-
Judas: WOAH WOAH STOP RIGHT THERE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag8u8s/the_last_supper/
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What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer?

Mick Jagger says “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
A Scottish Farmer says “Hey McCleod, get off of my ewe.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag8oce/whats_the_difference_between_mick_jagger_and_a/
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I call my penis 'The Truth'.

Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag8o5s/i_call_my_penis_the_truth/
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If there was a futuristic story about an alien who caught fire because he masturbated too hard

Would that be science friction?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag8jkh/if_there_was_a_futuristic_story_about_an_alien/
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How did the Cold War end?

Global Warming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag8htp/how_did_the_cold_war_end/
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What's Gordon Ramsay's favourite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag8gvm/whats_gordon_ramsays_favourite_subreddit/
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A Lawyer is on the road when he finds an armadillo.

A lawyer was travelling on the road in his fancy car when an armadillo crossed the road in front of him.
He stops and takes the armadillo to his backseat.
Far aside, the lawyer is stopped in a sobriety checkpoint.
The policeman asked for his ID and when checking the car, he saw the armadillo inside.
Police officer: You can't carry that sir, it's a wild animal and you need to return it or i can fine you.
The Lawyer said: Well, that armadillo is my pet. He's been with me since he was a baby
If you drop him on the ground, i'll give him two whistles and he comes back running to me.
Police officer: I doubt it.
So drop it, said the lawyer.
So the police officer drops him on the ground and the armadillo goes running straight to the woods.
Police Officer: so, call the armadillo back.
Lawyer: What armadillo?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag8c6k/a_lawyer_is_on_the_road_when_he_finds_an_armadillo/
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A sailor and a priest are out golfing.

The sailor takes his first swing and slices it hard to the left of the green. "FUCK! I missed!" exclaimed the sailor.
"My son! Please refrain from using that type of language, The Lord can hear you!" gasps the priest. The sailor apologizes and they proceed with their game.
The sailor now attempts to chip his ball out of the brush. He gets off a good shot, but it rolls back into a sand trap. "Fuck, I missed!" he says again.
"My son! Please, refrain from such sinful language! You will anger the Lord!" the priest pleads. The sailor apologizes and they continue their game.
The sailor takes a whack at his ball from the sandtrap. He has a great shot, landing the ball right on the green. Still it's not good enough for him, so yet again he mutters "fuck, I missed!"
The priest bursts out, yelling "my son! The Lord will strike you down should you continue in your sinful ways! You will be punished for your sins!" The sailor apologizes profusely and lines up his putt. The putt heads straight for the hole... and then runs around the rim and stays out. "FUCK! I MISSED!" the sailor exclaims, louder than before.
Out of nowhere, a lightning bolt shoots from the sky. It streaks down from the clouds and hits the priest, instantly killing him. A deep, booming voice from the heavens speaks... "FUCK! I MISSED!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag8c5q/a_sailor_and_a_priest_are_out_golfing/
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What cut of steak does a fire breather prefer?

Flaming yawn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag87xo/what_cut_of_steak_does_a_fire_breather_prefer/
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Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?

Someone told him to get a long little doggie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag87il/why_did_the_cowboy_get_a_dachshund/
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Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.
I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag84lv/why_is_it_easy_to_come_up_with_nicknames_for_a/
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I've already heard like seven cancer puns today...

If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag83hc/ive_already_heard_like_seven_cancer_puns_today/
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3 Conspiracy Theorists walk into a bar...

You can't just tell me its a Coincidence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag7yhl/3_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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A couple,

both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag7rqd/a_couple/
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There are three types of people in this world

Those that can count, and those that can’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag7qcv/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."
"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"
"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"
The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag7mdm/mother_superior_is_in_the_convent_when_she_hears/
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Little Sally comes home from school...

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie
today!"
Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing, and with a satisfied smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No...salty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag7ku2/little_sally_comes_home_from_school/
%
If i create a Java class public Class Woman{}

Am I objectifying women?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag7hl9/if_i_create_a_java_class_public_class_woman/
%
I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag7h7h/i_read_today_that_the_prime_minister_of_australia/
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I have this problem where I hallucinate different types of health professionals,

So I’m seeing a psychologist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag7eou/i_have_this_problem_where_i_hallucinate_different/
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What do you call an ambulance with loads of steroids in it?

Ambu-Lance Armstrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag7dn5/what_do_you_call_an_ambulance_with_loads_of/
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I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning and as we were leaving the trailer park, somebody shouted, "You're an irresponsible father!"

I shot back, “Who the fuck said that?! Stop the car, son!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag7b04/i_forgot_to_put_the_seat_belt_on_my_fiveyearold/
%
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

"Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
"No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag743m/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
%
If your friend Jack was stuck on a horse,

would you help Jack off the horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag6yzr/if_your_friend_jack_was_stuck_on_a_horse/
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Winter is here...

...& our native birds are finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a winters morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack.
Just remember however its a bit early in the year to expect a swallow !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag6sk5/winter_is_here/
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At the drug store

Shop keeper: you need some help?
Me: yeah actually, But i came here instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag6oys/at_the_drug_store/
%
I asked the woman at the local bookstore

If they had the book for men with small penises, she said “I don’t think it’s in yet”
“That’s the one I said!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag6l4x/i_asked_the_woman_at_the_local_bookstore/
%
I was talking to a South African girl, in her native language, for hours.

We just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag6ism/i_was_talking_to_a_south_african_girl_in_her/
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I asked my doctor friend if he ever slept with a patient...

He had the audacity to get MAD!
Man, vets really have no sense of humour...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag6e95/i_asked_my_doctor_friend_if_he_ever_slept_with_a/
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Three wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog.
The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag6ak7/three_wishes/
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Butter makes everything taste better,

But now my girlfriend has a yeast infection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag69v5/butter_makes_everything_taste_better/
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A man visited a movie studio and was browsing the wardrobe archives.

He asked a costume designer which were her favourite pieces.
“Well, that shirt there was worn by Pacino. That jacket was put together for De Niro. And these boots were made for Walken.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag64kj/a_man_visited_a_movie_studio_and_was_browsing_the/
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Pimps don't count their own money. They have their hoes do it for them.

It's the thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag644y/pimps_dont_count_their_own_money_they_have_their/
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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife for Christmas?" The rich man responds, "Diamond earrings and a new Mercedes."
The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" Then, the rich man replies, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?"
The poor man thinks for a second before replying, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?"
The poor man replies, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f\*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag63wl/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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A good deal...

Guy 1: I wish my wife stops talking for at least a few min.
Guy 2: I gifted my wife a diamond necklace and she didn't speak to be for 6 months.
Guy 1: What? How? Was it fake?
Guy 2: No. That was our deal !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5ywr/a_good_deal/
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Princess Buttercup and Wesley were never able to have children

She was inconceivable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5yt3/princess_buttercup_and_wesley_were_never_able_to/
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Young goats shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.

That's how you get kidnapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5x3v/young_goats_shouldnt_jump_into_a_strangers_car/
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Great Power and Great Responsibility were having sex.

Both climaxed together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5wl6/great_power_and_great_responsibility_were_having/
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Peace after death..

Husband: My dear, what ll you do after my death?
Wife: I can't live without you. I would die as well and come with you.
Husband: huh.. I didn't believe what that psychic said. But now I do.
Wife: what did he say?
Husband: He said, you won't live a peaceful life even after your death !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5vui/peace_after_death/
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Drown the Little Bastard

A man and his wife are having sex when a bee flies into the woman's vagina and won't come out. They got to the doctor and he says that he wants to try and put honey on the tip of his penis to lure the bee out. The man reluctantly agrees and his wife and the doctor start having sex. After a while it has gotten more intense and the man angrily asks if he was still trying to get the bee out and the doctor replies "Change of plans. I'm going to drown the little bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5uug/drown_the_little_bastard/
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I just invented a new soup.

Its alphabet soup mixed with laxative. I call it Letter Rip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5tpq/i_just_invented_a_new_soup/
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Knock knock

Why did sally fall off the swing?
Because I threw a fridge at her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5ter/knock_knock/
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My psychiatrist told me today that he thinks I should have electroconvulsive therapy.

I was shocked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5swd/my_psychiatrist_told_me_today_that_he_thinks_i/
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I like my women like I like my alcohol

Responsible for a fair majority of my terrible life choices

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5srj/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_alcohol/
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My wife asked me if “I was listening to her”

Strange way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5l5j/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_was_listening_to_her/
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Wanna know what mass confusion is?

Three blind lesbians in a fish market

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5khy/wanna_know_what_mass_confusion_is/
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If Jesus Christ was born today...

DNA tests would figure out who the father was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5k0w/if_jesus_christ_was_born_today/
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What do you call an ass that talks?

Buttocks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5h3p/what_do_you_call_an_ass_that_talks/
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A man goes to confession and says...

"forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done my child?" asked the priest.
"I kidnapped a little boy, and sent the family a ransom note." he told the priest.
"Why don't you just return the boy?" asked the priest.
"Because the cops are swarming all over the apartment where he lives!" answered the man.
"Why not leave him outside in an alley, so he can go home himself?" asked the priest.
"Because he lives in a very seedy part of town, and I don't want him getting raped by one of the sickos outside." declared the man.
"Well" said the priest "I was going to offer to take the boy home, but now I don't think you would approve".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5h0q/a_man_goes_to_confession_and_says/
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Facebook recently started a produce market dealing exclusively in peppers.

Yet another way they're jalapeño business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag5g6v/facebook_recently_started_a_produce_market/
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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken."
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past, "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?!"
"Never!" said Bob.
"Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, "BOB!! Wake up!! You've shit the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag50c5/bob_came_home_drunk_one_night_slid_into_bed/
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What do you call a musical group made of rubber?

An elastic band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag4y5s/what_do_you_call_a_musical_group_made_of_rubber/
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Making Pigs Fly

What do you add to a pig to make it fly?  Just add eon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag4urr/making_pigs_fly/
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What's the difference between strippers and onions?

I cry when I cut up onions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag4q5t/whats_the_difference_between_strippers_and_onions/
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When I was a kid, I'd ask my dad if I could have a couple pieces of candy.

If he said yes, I'd ask if a couple could mean three or four. Usually he'd say yes to get me out of his hair.
Guess that explains why my parents' marriage didn't last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag4px8/when_i_was_a_kid_id_ask_my_dad_if_i_could_have_a/
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There once were two sisters: one named Petal, the other named Fridge.

One day, as the entire family was relaxing in a field on a nice summer day, Petal asks her parents: “Mommy? Daddy? Why did you name me Petal?”
Her parents replied: “Because, darling Petal, on the day you were born, a beautiful red rose petal was whisked into the air, flew softly in the wine, and landed right on your forehead. From that moment, we just knew the perfect name for you was Petal”.
Fridge then says: “Blurghahblubbbprtt”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag4p1i/there_once_were_two_sisters_one_named_petal_the/
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Little Johnny is having a bad day.

He tried to button his shirt and button fell off.
He tried to pick his back pack up and the strap fell off.
He tried to go outside and the doorknob fell off.
Now he’s dancing around in pain afraid to take a piss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag4ojs/little_johnny_is_having_a_bad_day/
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Today I made fun of a constipated guy:

I shit; you not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag4lqy/today_i_made_fun_of_a_constipated_guy/
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A guy walks into a bar

and asks for a beer. He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another.
The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, "How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?"
The man says, "Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag4j4t/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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A friend said the moon landing was faked so I stopped talking to him.

What kind of idiot still believes in the moon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag4ite/a_friend_said_the_moon_landing_was_faked_so_i/
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Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition

On the day of the competition, he finds that he has seriously misunderstood the objective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag4fnz/frankenstein_enters_a_bodybuilding_competition/
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What do you call rubber clothing?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag4duf/what_do_you_call_rubber_clothing/
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My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag4daz/my_local_drug_dealer_started_dressing_up_as_a/
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A man is walking his prized pitbull down the street.

He comes across another man, walking a chihuahua in his direction. He tells the man:
“Hey sir, you should probably cross the street. My pitbull was trained to fight and will rip your tiny dog to shreds!”
To which the man with the chihuahua replies:
“Oh no, sir, it is you who should cross the street; I wouldn’t want your beautiful pitbull to get hurt.”
The pitbull owner laughs and says:
“Want to bet? Let’s let them off their leashes and see what happens.”
Chihuahua owner shrugs, and says okay. Both dog owners release the leashes, and the chihuahua proceeds to destroy and devour the pitbull. The pitbull owner, in absolute disbelief, says:
“Holy crap! I can’t believe it! I will buy your dog from you right now, how much do you want for him?”
The chihuahua owner thinks for a moment, and replies:
“20 thousand and he’s yours.”
“20 thousand?! Why so much?!”
“Well.... it was 10 thousand for the crocodile, and 10 thousand for the plastic surgery.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag49qx/a_man_is_walking_his_prized_pitbull_down_the/
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A woman has a child while driving to the hospital...

They named him Carson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag499s/a_woman_has_a_child_while_driving_to_the_hospital/
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I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg
Whoa, front page, im ashamed.  Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag48pq/im_assuming_that_none_of_the_jenners_ask_kylie_to/
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Veganism is sinful.

Because it’s seitanic worship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag46q4/veganism_is_sinful/
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What is a physicist's favourite food?

Fission chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag45q2/what_is_a_physicists_favourite_food/
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Why couldn’t the Italian get into his restaurant?

Because he had gnocchi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag44o9/why_couldnt_the_italian_get_into_his_restaurant/
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Random guy walks in a clothing shop and starts beating the hell out of all the mannequins

Clerk: Why  the hell are you doing that??!!
Random guy: I fucking hate fake people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag3x3z/random_guy_walks_in_a_clothing_shop_and_starts/
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In Alabama...

A guy's crush telling him that she likes him like a brother might be good for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag3nyx/in_alabama/
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Why is the most powerful man in America scowling more since November?

He can’t help it, winters are cold in Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag3mo9/why_is_the_most_powerful_man_in_america_scowling/
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Why did Jeff Bezos divorce his wife?

Because he found out marriages are classified as "recognized unions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag3j4k/why_did_jeff_bezos_divorce_his_wife/
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I named my dick sgt. Hartman.

Cause it's good at drilling privates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag3gmx/i_named_my_dick_sgt_hartman/
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How do you tell the difference between a seamstress and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce the word "sewer".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag3gec/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a/
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Two men are walking...

Two men are walking when they come across a beautiful bridge,
The first man exclaimed “Wow! This bridge is gorgeous!”
The seconds man says “this is my work! But nobody ever gives me the recognition I deserve. No body goes up to me and says “hey it’s that guy who built that beautiful bridge!”
So they keep walk and they see a very well sculpted wall
The man says “you know, this is my work too! But no body ever says “Hey it’s that guy who built that wonderful wall!”
They are almost to their destination when they see a great big new church
The first man says “Is this your work too?”
The second says “why yes it is! But nobody ever says “hey it’s that guy who built the church!” I have done so much, but yet I am not known for and then I go ahead and f**k one pig and suddenly I’m “that guy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag3ddv/two_men_are_walking/
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My sibling became severely depressed when he found out he was adopted

I can't relate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag39u4/my_sibling_became_severely_depressed_when_he/
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The Farmer and His Pigs

One day, a businessman living in New York decides he needs a break. He is feeling a little beat-up by the stresses of city life, and he concludes that a leisurely drive in the country would do him a world of good. So, he rents a car, and he sets off on his quest to find some peace of mind.
As he drives along a beautiful country road, he sees something odd in the distance. As he gets closer, he can see that it is a farmer standing under a tree near the road holding a pig. Curious, he pulls to the side of the road. He watches intently as the farmer picks up one pig after another to let them eat an apple from the tree. This curious behavior fascinates the businessman as he watches this go on for several minutes. Finally, he can no longer contain himself. He calls out to the farmer, “Excuse me sir, but what exactly are you doing?” The farmer calmly replies, “Why, feeding the pigs, of course.” The businessman is a little surprised. He calls out to the farmer again, “But, wouldn’t it save a lot of time if you just shook the tree to cause the apples to fall to the ground so that the pigs could eat them there?” The farmer looks at the businessman, confused, and he replies, “Time? Pigs got no concept of time!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag39t2/the_farmer_and_his_pigs/
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Every wonder why Republicans use two hands when they’re drinking out of a water bottle?

It’s to prevent it from trickling down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag33tn/every_wonder_why_republicans_use_two_hands_when/
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I just read a book that rubbed me the wrong way

It was science friction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag2xvc/i_just_read_a_book_that_rubbed_me_the_wrong_way/
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What do you call a midget fortune teller who kills his patients

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag2xjq/what_do_you_call_a_midget_fortune_teller_who/
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There was a heart association that wanted to come up with a name for their children's program

They sifted through many names through the years. They began with Hoops for Hearts, because kids like basketball, right? They took the idea to the bishop of the area (It was a Catholic program). The bishop wanted to change the name because he couldn't do that. They changed it to Jump ropes for Hearts. Again, the bishop shot down this, for he was very out of shape. Finally, they changed the name to something that would be inclusive for children; Kids for Hearts. They took the final offer to the bishop, and he smiled. He liked the name because kids are something that he can do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag2u2z/there_was_a_heart_association_that_wanted_to_come/
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Jesus Christ wasn’t white...

But according to Catholics he’s still a cracker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag2tb6/jesus_christ_wasnt_white/
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What do a catholic priest and McDonald’s making hamburgers have in common?

They both put their meat between 10 year old buns
P.S. Sorry if you get offended by this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag2ono/what_do_a_catholic_priest_and_mcdonalds_making/
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What does Yoda say when he is drunk?

Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag2n89/what_does_yoda_say_when_he_is_drunk/
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Whats black and doesnt work?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag2n3w/whats_black_and_doesnt_work/
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What do you call adults with imaginary friends?

Religious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag2l5q/what_do_you_call_adults_with_imaginary_friends/
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Google said I couldn't use "beef stew" as my password.

It's not stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag2i4x/google_said_i_couldnt_use_beef_stew_as_my_password/
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Why are gays always smiling?

Because they can't keep a *straight* face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag2gtr/why_are_gays_always_smiling/
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods

when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag2c1j/a_couple_of_new_jersey_hunters_are_out_in_the/
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Why is Kylo Ren always so angry?

He’s Ben Solo too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag2aq3/why_is_kylo_ren_always_so_angry/
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A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...

She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.
This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts in the tub. The salt made the bath water into a stronger conductor of electricity, so when she got in, she was electrocuted and died.
When the authorities found her body, they deduced that the cause of death was a salt and battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag297a/a_college_girl_was_found_dead_in_her_bathtub/
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A little boy and his mother were walking down the sidewalk when they encountered a bow legged man.

The bpy pointed his finger at the bloke and yelled out: "Look, mother, a bow legged man!"
His mother was surprised, took her son's hand; and hurriedly walked home.
Upon arrival, she reprimanded the little boy and told him that he would receive a worse punishment next time we was ever that rude.
The next day, on the same street; the boy and his mother encountered the same man yet again.
The boy totally forgot his mother's warnings and immediately pointed a finger and shouted: "Ma, it's that bow legged man again!"
The woman immediately became furious, and took his son running towards home.
When they arrived, she beat the shit out of him and told him to read on Shakespeare; hoping that the success of a great bow legged man would teach her little boy some class.
The next day, the couple yet again encountered the same man once more.
The mother looked at her son to see a reaction and the boy just froze -- for a moment.
He pointed his finger towards the bloke and then said: "Hark! What manner man is this, that walk around with his balls in parenthese?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag28v5/a_little_boy_and_his_mother_were_walking_down_the/
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What do you call a Bull that has swallowed a grenade?

Abominable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag28pq/what_do_you_call_a_bull_that_has_swallowed_a/
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There are two types of people in this world...

Those who can deduce from incomplete data...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag27kb/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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I finally got my first boner the other day

Things are really looking up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag26hp/i_finally_got_my_first_boner_the_other_day/
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A man is lost in the desert...

A man is lost wandering in the desert. After pushing as hard as he could, his horse has died, and he is near to death himself, when along comes a missionary. The missionary, having come extra prepared in case he should come across a poor weary soul, has brought enough food, water, and an extra horse.
Being a man of God, he offers his extras to the man and tells him,
"Now, you have to understand, this horse is no ordinary horse. It only obeys holy commands.
If you wish to make the horse start walking you must proclaim, 'Oh, Thank God!'.
To get the horse to canter you say, 'Praise Jesus!'
To get the horse to sprint you say, 'Hallelujah!'
Lastly, to get the horse to stop, you must say, 'Amen', as this is how all good prayers must end."
With that knowledge, the man thanked him, took the goods, and went on his way.
Excited to be mobile again, the man quickly went from a Praise Jesus to a Hallelujah and had the horse at an all out sprint.
He was enjoying himself so much that he failed to notice a cliff he was approaching before it was almost too late.
"Oh shit, stop!" he yelled at the horse.
"Woah, uhhhh, uhh, God Damnit.....uhh uhh HALT!" he continued to yell at the horse with no effect, still getting nearer and nearer to the edge.
At last, he took a deep breath and remembered, "AMEN!" he shouted, and the horse came screeching to a halt just as it's front hooves tipped the edge of the cliff.
Having been so sure he was going to die, the man was now overcome with joy and proclaimed out-loud, "Oh, Thank God!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag26di/a_man_is_lost_in_the_desert/
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Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims; they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag25k9/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
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A picture of an egg on Instagram got more likes than Kylie Jenner...

...I guess you could say the egg beat her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag25gx/a_picture_of_an_egg_on_instagram_got_more_likes/
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Why did the sea monster eat 6 ships full of potatoes?

Nobody can eat just one potato ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1zn3/why_did_the_sea_monster_eat_6_ships_full_of/
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What do you call a bunch of upper-class British gentlemen bereft of donkeys?

Assless Chaps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1xlj/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_upperclass_british/
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I told my midget girlfriend a really good joke.

But it seems to have gone over her head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1xfe/i_told_my_midget_girlfriend_a_really_good_joke/
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What's a toilet on a Portuguese jetty called?

A porto potty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1wx9/whats_a_toilet_on_a_portuguese_jetty_called/
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A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.

Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet.
After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the father is sitting in the seat next to him. Finally he can’t hold it in anymore and a loud fart erupts in the room.
The father looks over and sternly says, “Max!”
The young man realizes the father thinks it was the dog who farted. Delighted, he feels another fart coming on. This time he lets it out and again the audible sound fills the room.
“Max!” Shouts the father this time.
The young man can’t be happier, he’s farting as much as he needs and the father thinks it’s their dog. Eventually he feels a third fart coming on. Without flinching the young man passes his gas again.
“Max! Shouts the father. “Get over here before that boy shits all over you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1w3p/a_young_man_knocks_on_the_door_of_his_girlfriends/
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What have marriage and a grenade in common?

You pull off the ring and your house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1unp/what_have_marriage_and_a_grenade_in_common/
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What do you call 5 black guys having sex in 1789?

A threesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1t0s/what_do_you_call_5_black_guys_having_sex_in_1789/
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What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1m0g/whats_blue_and_not_very_heavy/
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My mother-in-law fell fown a wishing well, I was amazed.

I never knew they worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1jg3/my_motherinlaw_fell_fown_a_wishing_well_i_was/
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Doing drugs

The difference between being old and being young is what time of day we're waiting for our drugs to kick in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1j5b/doing_drugs/
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A man goes to the doctor and the doctor says to him, "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."

The man says, "What!? Why!?"
The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1h74/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_the_doctor_says_to/
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My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.

When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1f5a/my_overweight_uncle_spend_months_making_a_belt/
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-Dad! You shaved my eyebrows while I was sleeping?

-Yes, and you don't seem surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1dje/dad_you_shaved_my_eyebrows_while_i_was_sleeping/
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Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey?

Because all proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1b8h/why_did_karl_marx_dislike_earl_grey/
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Patient: I seem to be seeing cream cakes in the corner of my eye

Doctor: that's just your profiterole vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag17pb/patient_i_seem_to_be_seeing_cream_cakes_in_the/
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I've decided to start a pie delivery service from my car.

Apple pie is $3.75 / slice, cherry is $4.25, and banana cream pie is $4.75. Those are the pie rates of the car-I-be-in.
---------
There, did I manage to ruin both jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag16eo/ive_decided_to_start_a_pie_delivery_service_from/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are working on top of a new skyscraper (long)

The lunchtime buzzer sounds and they all open their lunchboxes.
Englishman: "Huh, cheese and pickle sandwiches AGAIN! Every damn day I open my lunch and it's cheese and bastard pickle! If I get cheese and pickle again tomorrow i swear I'm gonna... I'm gonna jump off this skyscraper!"
Scotsman: "och aye tha noo, Ham and Mustard? HAM AND MUSTARD AGAIN! Every damn day I open my lunch and it's Ham and bloody Mustard! If I get Ham and Mustard again tomorrow i swear I'm gonna jump off this skyscraper too, see you Jimmy!"
Irishman: "fer feck sake, Beef and Onion on brown bread? Beef and onion AGAIN! Every damn day Oi open my lunch and it's Beef and chuffing onion! If Oi get beef and onion again tamarra oi swear Oi'm gonna jump off that there skyscraper as well, to be sure!
The next day they open their lunch boxes and one by one they sigh, walk slowly over to the edge and jump off to their deaths.
One week later it's their joint funeral.
The three builder's wives are all stood around the graves weeping.
Englishman's wife: " if only he told me he didn't like cheese and pickle, I'd have made him something else!"
Scotsman's wife: "if only he told me he didn't care for Ham and mustard, I'd have made something different"
Irishman's wife, crying her eyes out: "He made his own sandwiches".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag15nj/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are/
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Why do Swedish boats have barcodes on the side?

So they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag1560/why_do_swedish_boats_have_barcodes_on_the_side/
%
What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag13rp/what_do_you_get_when_you_eat_unsalted_butter/
%
Hellen Keller walks into a bar

And then a table, and then a chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag13c7/hellen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag0ywd/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
%
A waiter ask a gentleman how he likes his steak cooked.

Gentleman: like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag0xnm/a_waiter_ask_a_gentleman_how_he_likes_his_steak/
%
Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag0xdo/han_solo_ordered_a_steak_in_the_shape_of_a_wookie/
%
My girlfriend has a very annoying habit of talking after sex

Just last night, she woke me up calling from her motel room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag0wob/my_girlfriend_has_a_very_annoying_habit_of/
%
Carobs grow on carob trees in warm climates. They are frequently transported to other regions by air.

Usually by pilots of the carob bean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag0wbx/carobs_grow_on_carob_trees_in_warm_climates_they/
%
Did you hear about the two confused foot fetishists?

They got off on the wrong foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag0t61/did_you_hear_about_the_two_confused_foot/
%
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase

He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I'm off to New York.  I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing her suitcase.
"Where are you going?" she asks.
"I'm coming with you.  I want to see how you live on $800 a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag0rhw/a_man_walks_into_his_bedroom_and_sees_his_wife/
%
So Gillette just came out with a new Ad campaign calling out men for toxic masculinity.

I can honestly say this is the first time Ive ever seen a razor blade company cut their own wrists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag0m7o/so_gillette_just_came_out_with_a_new_ad_campaign/
%
People Say I Lie Through Omission.

I wouldn't say that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag0l3d/people_say_i_lie_through_omission/
%
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen.

“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive penis. It must be saved for posterity.” So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
“My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag0fhv/a_mortician_was_working_late_one_night_he/
%
I got fired just because I wore a mini skirt!

Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag0d02/i_got_fired_just_because_i_wore_a_mini_skirt/
%
One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids.

Before leaving, they happen to notice a fortune-teller shop across the mall. Two of the women thought it would be a fun way to end their outing while the third one was a bit more skeptical. After a moment of debating, they all agree to go in.
As they entered the shop they were greeted by the Miss Catarina.
* **Miss Catarina**: *Welcome, my beautiful friends! I would like for you to join me on a wonderful adventure into your minds.*
The two women were excited for the experience while the skeptical one rolled her eyes. Miss Catarina acknowledge the gesture.
* **Miss Catarina**: *I see we have a disbeliever in the room. In what way would I be able to lessen your uncertainty?*
Skeptical Woman: How about you start by guessing our names.
* **Miss Catarina**: *And that is exactly what I will do! However, uncovering the names of you three would be way too simple for Miss Catarina. One may say I overheard you addressing each other during a recent debate about coming in here.* (She says with a smirk)
The faces of the other two women were filled with amazement.
* **Miss Catarina**: *I will predict the names of your children and explain some history behind why it was chosen!*
Thinking that there could be no way that she would know, the skeptical woman agreed. Miss Catarina starts with the first two.
* **Miss Catarina**: *Hello my little Princess, your name has to be Penelope!*
The first woman was stun while Penelope looked to her mom confused.
* **Miss Catarina**: *I see you are confused my child, but be no more. You would most likely recognize your name as Penny! It is short for Penelope! Do you know why your name is Penny? It’s because your mommy loves collecting money! All kinds of money! Old money, new money and even foreign money!*
The first two women cheered while confirming that it is correct. The third woman was a bit shocked but still skeptical.
* **Miss Catarina**: *It was nice meeting you, Penelope!*
She then moves to the second child.
* **Miss Catarina**: *Hello my little Angel. You must be Lillian!*
* **Lillian**: *Yes! But everyone calls me Lilly!*
* **Miss Catarina**: *And I bet that is because your mommy loves flowers! All types of flowers! Wild flowers, house flowers and even exotic flower!*
The two women confirmed with excitement! But now the skeptical woman is concern.
* **Miss Catarina**: *It’s a pleasure meeting you, Lillian.*
Saving the best for last, she walks over to the third child.
* **Miss Catarina**: *And you my handsome Prince. Your name is the most fitting of all!*
While feeling embarrassed, the skeptical woman cuts off Miss Catarina.
* **Skeptical Woman**: *I’ve had enough! My son and I do not want to hear what you have to say! We’re leaving!*
While looking at the sad little boy getting taken out the shop, Miss Catarina shouts to him.
* **Miss Catarina**: *You have a wonderful day, Richard!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag0br6/one_afternoon_three_women_were_out_shopping_with/
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I like my beer like I like my violence...

Domestic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag09c1/i_like_my_beer_like_i_like_my_violence/
%
The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or something..
&nbsp;
The body guard says *”I’m sorry sir I must admit that in the heat of the moment I got confused, I meant to shout Donald Duck!!”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ag06l5/the_president_of_the_united_states_steps_out_of/
%
How are an anti vaccine baby’s 5th birthday and John Cena related?

They will never see it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afzzmz/how_are_an_anti_vaccine_babys_5th_birthday_and/
%
What do you call a knight in a village full of cannibals?

Canned food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afzxx2/what_do_you_call_a_knight_in_a_village_full_of/
%
An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the  tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to  your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie,  pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk  to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the  hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afzn8t/an_old_farmer_drove_to_a_neighbors_and_knocked_at/
%
Whats E.T short for?

He's got small legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afzlor/whats_et_short_for/
%
Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome...

Made me so wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afzhmo/two_hydrogen_atoms_and_an_oxygen_atom_had_a/
%
My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I'm so easily distracted!...

Ah well..back to it I suppose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afzffg/my_girlfriend_says_our_lovemaking_is_so_bad/
%
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.

He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afzfeq/my_dad_first_talked_to_me_about_sex_when_i_was/
%
How do the Mexicans feel about Trump building a wall on the boarder?

They’ll get over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afyyil/how_do_the_mexicans_feel_about_trump_building_a/
%
My friends think I'm gay for buying a pogo stick.

Maybe I am, but I think it's still impressive that I can fit it up my arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afyxla/my_friends_think_im_gay_for_buying_a_pogo_stick/
%
Trump should hire the Chinese to build the wall.

They had one for over 2000 years and they still don't have any Mexicans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afysew/trump_should_hire_the_chinese_to_build_the_wall/
%
I dont like class

One might even say...
I'm Classtrophobic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afyrv0/i_dont_like_class/
%
The Teacher and Little Johnny

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
\*Nobody stands up\*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
\*Little Johnny stands up\*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afyo5o/the_teacher_and_little_johnny/
%
I've been holding auditions for actors to play a new Fantastic Four team this afternoon...

... it's so stressful.
It's just been one Thing after another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afynkz/ive_been_holding_auditions_for_actors_to_play_a/
%
There was a very religious man that bought a nail factory

When the factory was about to open he hired a marketing guy to make a TV commercial, his only instruction was that it had to have a catholic theme. A few days go past and the guy returns with the video to show the factory owner. The video starts: there's a Roman soldier nailing Jesus, who is all bloody, to the cross. the nails go right through the hand and cross. Then the text appears "Saint Lucy nails. Holds even gods" . The commercial is over and the owner is baffled. He yells at the marketing guy saying he can't have his brand being the one that got Jesus crucified. The guy asks for a few more days. After those, he shows the new commercial: it's Jesus running by the beach, the camera zooms out and it shows that the Roman soldiers are chasing him. Then the clouds clear, a beam of light shines on Jesus and takes him to the heavens. The camera changes to the Roman and he says "Dammit, I knew I should have used Saint Lucy nails".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afyl1o/there_was_a_very_religious_man_that_bought_a_nail/
%
Finkelstein and Jesus

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.
After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for "Finkelstein the Tailor."
So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much he owed.
Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge!
However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business!  Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," he replied. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "It should be Finkelstein & Jesus...  After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop: **Lord and Taylor**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afyjzv/finkelstein_and_jesus/
%
I told friends and family that i will never vaccinate my kids...

I'll let the doctor do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afyjwo/i_told_friends_and_family_that_i_will_never/
%
Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afyem9/managed_to_lose_1000_calories_in_five_seconds/
%
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."
And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afyein/a_bus_full_of_nuns_falls_of_a_cliff_and_they_all/
%
I’m Terrified of Elevators...

So I’m taking steps to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afycmh/im_terrified_of_elevators/
%
A beaver goes into a bar

,sees a mans standing behind the bar and asks,"is the bar tender here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afya6z/a_beaver_goes_into_a_bar/
%
I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afy94r/ive_never_understood_how_the_nazis_couldnt_find/
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If you get an email from me about tinned ham, delete it.

It's spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afy93y/if_you_get_an_email_from_me_about_tinned_ham/
%
Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afy8wt/why_do_the_french_eat_snails/
%
Two goldfish in a tank.

One says to the other "You man the guns, I'll drive".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afy8i4/two_goldfish_in_a_tank/
%
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.

So he decides to try it out at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school?
SON: At school. *robot slaps son*
SON: Ok, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story. *robot slaps son again*
SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad*
MOM: HAHA!! After all, he is your son! *Robot slaps mom*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afy7hh/a_man_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps_people/
%
Too many authors to cite?

No problem et al.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afy3ev/too_many_authors_to_cite/
%
What’s the difference between R Kelly and greyhound racing?

Greyhounds usually wait for the hare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afy2cz/whats_the_difference_between_r_kelly_and/
%
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.

Should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afy0wp/burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
%
Two Jewish men are standing in the bathroom and peeing in adjacent urinals

the one to the right finishes doing his business, turns around, and says to his neighbor, “Tell me, did Mohel Rabinovich do your bris [i.e. circumcision]?”  “Yes,” the other guy responds, “how did you know?!!!”  “Well, Rabinovich is a little cross-eyed and you are peeing on my shoes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afxyvy/two_jewish_men_are_standing_in_the_bathroom_and/
%
Vaccines are like jokes

Not everyone gets them, but the smart ones do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afxw8s/vaccines_are_like_jokes/
%
What is Harry Potter's preferred way to go down a hill?

Sliding.
jk
Rowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afxuss/what_is_harry_potters_preferred_way_to_go_down_a/
%
Jews aren't good with money and I can prove it!

How often do you hear about one bringing home the bacon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afxus5/jews_arent_good_with_money_and_i_can_prove_it/
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Why did the music teacher get fired?

Because he was caught fingering A Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afxsll/why_did_the_music_teacher_get_fired/
%
An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar

The bartender says
"Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afxnzh/an_american_a_brit_a_canadian_a_dane_an_ethiopian/
%
Which hard drive is always the happiest?

Disk C:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afxkik/which_hard_drive_is_always_the_happiest/
%
What do you call the world's most badass sedan?

A Liam Nissan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afxho0/what_do_you_call_the_worlds_most_badass_sedan/
%
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afxe2i/while_driving_to_work_robbers_jumped_into_my_car/
%
Children are like socks

Alot of them go missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afx5et/children_are_like_socks/
%
What's the best place to meet women?

I tried this door marked "Ladies" and they just yelled at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afx4v2/whats_the_best_place_to_meet_women/
%
What three words would you hear on a golf course but never in a whorehouse?

Bite, you cocksucker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afx38t/what_three_words_would_you_hear_on_a_golf_course/
%
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.
RIP Rodney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afx02a/my_wife_and_i_decided_to_curb_our_smoking_habit_a/
%
Peter in church...

In a church one Sunday morning a preacher said,
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."
With that, Peter got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked,
"Peter, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
He replied,
"Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand on Peter's ear, placed his other hand on top of Peter's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Peter, how is your hearing now?"
Peter answered,
*"I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the magistrate court."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afwuqa/peter_in_church/
%
What is Bill Cosby's favorite type of grenade?

A Flash Bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afwmg3/what_is_bill_cosbys_favorite_type_of_grenade/
%
There are two types of people in this world:

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afwlw2/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Which are Voldemort's favourite shoes?

His horro*crocs*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afwfnr/which_are_voldemorts_favourite_shoes/
%
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?

Rigor Mortissen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afwfng/whos_denmarks_greatest_zombie_actor/
%
When you're dead you dont know that you're dead. The pain is felt by others.

Also when you're stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afwe15/when_youre_dead_you_dont_know_that_youre_dead_the/
%
What's a pornstars favorite car?

A Bukakke Veyron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afwdfa/whats_a_pornstars_favorite_car/
%
Joe worked a office job working numbers. His wife is Larain. Joe hasn’t been in love with Larain for the past couple of years. He gets a new co worker named clearly and she is a dime piece. She sets next to him and after a couple of weeks they hit it off.

Clearly makes a pass at joe and let’s him know she likes him. Joe can’t leave his wife so he is in, a situation. A couple days later Joe is at work and his boss calls him in, he tells Joe that unfortunately his wife Larain has drove off a cliff and died. Joe to his bosses amazement lights up with joy. Confused his boss dismisses him and let’s him leave for the day with some time off. And happy joe walks out of his manager office and starts singing “I can see clearly now Larain is gone”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afwbtx/joe_worked_a_office_job_working_numbers_his_wife/
%
What do you call a hero that doesn't aim for the head and requires a rematch?

A Thor loser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afwa31/what_do_you_call_a_hero_that_doesnt_aim_for_the/
%
A wife yells at her husband

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"
Husband : "What did I do?"
Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"
Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"
Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afw8r7/a_wife_yells_at_her_husband/
%
What did the solid say when it turned into plasma?

“Oops, I just passed gas”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afw7qq/what_did_the_solid_say_when_it_turned_into_plasma/
%
Quality assurance engineer walks into a bar...

He orders 1 beer.
Then he orders 2 beers.
Then he orders 9999999 beers.
Then he orders -1 beer.
Then he orders a dragon.
Then he asks to buy a jdhdjsbeh
Another customer walks in, asks where the bathroom is. The bar collapses and kills everyone inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afw3vo/quality_assurance_engineer_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Come to think of it the invention of the shovel was pretty important...

Some would even say it was groundbreaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afw2yr/come_to_think_of_it_the_invention_of_the_shovel/
%
45 year old me: "Doctor, I have post birth depression." Doctor: "But you haven't birthed."

Me: "But I was born"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afvxiv/45_year_old_me_doctor_i_have_post_birth/
%
People often use fiction to escape into the lives of people who don't have to deal with the same problems as them.

For instance, whenever my parents are fighting, I like to read Batman comics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afvv50/people_often_use_fiction_to_escape_into_the_lives/
%
Did you hear about the man who got hit by a bike every morning?

It was a vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afvrwx/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_got_hit_by_a_bike/
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Why are North Korean jokes so good?

They have great execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afvqtm/why_are_north_korean_jokes_so_good/
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What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac

One takes things literally and the other takes things, *literally*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afvp15/whats_the_difference_between_a_literalist_and_a/
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Why are there no phones in China?

There’s so many wings and wongs you might wing the wong number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afvhz3/why_are_there_no_phones_in_china/
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Diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afvgjq/diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.  She spends £15,000 and looks  sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’  The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself.  She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra  Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.  She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.  He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afvfno/how_old_am_i_i_need_to_feel_your_breast/
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I tried ventriloquism once but everyone thought I was crazy.

Possibly because I forgot to bring my dummy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afvcq8/i_tried_ventriloquism_once_but_everyone_thought_i/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey...

The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man.
The man, confused, asks to the bartender...
-What the hell is this?
-Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monkey
So the guy looks for the piano player and shouts...
-Hey! Do you know why your fucking monkey sunk his balls in my goddam whiskey?
-Not by the title, but if you can sing it a little bit I'm sure I can make it work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afva9h/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_whiskey/
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Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?

Because it wasn't apparent who did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afv5ng/why_was_the_pta_meeting_homicide_difficult_to/
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Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?

It was a real slap in the faith...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afv4dz/can_you_believe_i_was_thrown_out_of_my_church_for/
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A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says
“Doc, I’m not feeling too good about my future health”
The doctor says
“Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all”
The man replies
“What? I don’t believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff”
“Oh, not that” answers the doctor. “My thermometer broke”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afv18d/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Why are old computers so slow?

Because they do things a bit at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afuzo4/why_are_old_computers_so_slow/
%
A man sits in a bar with a very nice watch.

Suddenly a woman comes to him and says:"You really have a nice watch!"
"Yes, it is." He says. "I can watch TV on it, surf the internet, there's a dedicated dictionary on it, I can phone with it and I can see that you are not wearing any underwear."
The woman looks at him puzzled and says: "But I do have underwear on."
The man replies: "Oh damn, my watch is one hour ahead again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afuwx2/a_man_sits_in_a_bar_with_a_very_nice_watch/
%
Birthday cake

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afunkm/birthday_cake/
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*true story. I dropped an egg on my feet while cooking breakfast

I guess the yolk's on me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afumgg/true_story_i_dropped_an_egg_on_my_feet_while/
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On January 13, 2018, everyone in Hawaii was mad about the malfunction of the early warning system, the fools…

Hawaii IS the early warning system…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afu1p4/on_january_13_2018_everyone_in_hawaii_was_mad/
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A teacher is interviewing her class on their daily habits

- Teacher: What do you do all day, James?
- James: Well I wake up, have breakfast and then go to school. After school finishes I head back home, have dinner and hit the sack.
Glad that James has a normal, healthy day, the teacher encourages him to keep it up and moves on to the next student
- Teacher: What do you do all day, Sarah?
- Sarah: Well, after I wake up I have breakfast and then my mother drops me and my little sister at school. After school we have dance class, and then we head back home together. I help my little sister with her homework, we have dinner and then we both hit the sack.
The teacher is very impressed with how much work Sarah does in a day, and praises her for helping her little sister with their homework. She then moves on to the next student.
- Teacher: So what do you do all day, Timmy?
- Timmy: I wake up, brush my teeth, have breakfast, go to school, walk back home, have dinner and do my homework.
- Teacher: Is that all? Don't you hit the sack like the others once you are done for the day?
- Timmy: I can't. I am the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aftxzm/a_teacher_is_interviewing_her_class_on_their/
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What did The headless horseman say before leaving the party?

I’ll beheading off then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aftxje/what_did_the_headless_horseman_say_before_leaving/
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I'm not saying you are old...

but the candles cost more than your cake.
(I heard this one at a bridge club today)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aftty6/im_not_saying_you_are_old/
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What happened to all the US government employees?

AWOL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aftomz/what_happened_to_all_the_us_government_employees/
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My friend said she teaches circuit training classes..

I'll bet she's the driving force behind her students' motivation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aftmj2/my_friend_said_she_teaches_circuit_training/
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A man goes to prison and decides to intimidate his cell mate...

‘So, you wanna know why they call me mitochondria?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aftlfz/a_man_goes_to_prison_and_decides_to_intimidate/
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Happy birthday!

A drug dealer has been in prison for a few years, when he seemingly has a change of heart and asks to speak with a DEA agent.
He says to the agent, "My father's got a farm out in the country. Behind this house, there's a big ole wood pile. I hit a stash of money and drugs inside one of the logs, but it's been a long time and I don't remember which one."
The DEA gets warrant, goes out to the farm, splits every log in that woodpile. They find no drugs, and no cash. They leave, tired and furious. The dealer's dad calls his son in prison.
"Hey son, you know, the DEA came out here the other day..."
"Did they split wood for ya?"
"Yeah! They split my whole log pile!"
"There ya go! Happy birthday Dad!"
This is probably a repost. I heard it 5-10 years ago from a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aftgqb/happy_birthday/
%
I've been in a couple of threesomes.

Usually the other guy will be getting oral and I'll be hitting it from behind. I've found that as long as I don't make eye contact with the guy on the other end, or the guy in the middle, it doesn't feel gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aftfm7/ive_been_in_a_couple_of_threesomes/
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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aftard/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_confused/
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A Pig Walks Into A Bar...

He takes a seat and orders a beer.
After he drinks it, he asks the bartender where the restroom is. "Down the hall to the right," the bartender replies.
The pig uses the restroom and leaves.
A few minutes later another pig comes into the bar and orders two beers.
He finishes them and asks the bartender where the restroom is. "Down the hall to the right," the bartender replies.
The pig uses the restroom and leaves.
A short time later a third pig shows up.  He orders three beers.
After drinking them he asks the bartender where the restroom is. "Down the hall to the right," the bartender replies.
The pig uses the restroom and leaves.
After a while, a forth pig enters the bar.
Sensing a pattern, the bartender asks, "Let me guess, you want four beers?" "That's right," replies the pig.
When the pig has finished all four beers he asks the bartender where the restroom is.
"Down the hall to the right," the bartender answers once again.
The pig uses the restroom and heads for the exit.
Right as the fourth pig is leaving, a fifth pig enters the bar.
"Gimmie five beers," says the pig. The bartender had already begun filling the glasses.
The pig works his way through the five beers, gets up and walks toward the exit.
"Don't you want to use the restroom first?" asks the bartender.
"Nah," says the pig, "I'm the one that goes wee, wee, wee all the way home"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afta5d/a_pig_walks_into_a_bar/
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I tried to be romantic and gave my wife a certificate for our anniversary

I wrote that she can have great sex anyway she wants it.
She jumped up kissed me on the forehead and said she’ll be back in a couple of hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aft9go/i_tried_to_be_romantic_and_gave_my_wife_a/
%
A corn walks into a bar...

And it says to the bartender:
"Hey, wanna hear a joke?"
The bartender agrees. The corn then asks:
"What did the traffic light say to the car?"
The bartender then says: "What?"
The corn says: "DON'T LOOK! I'M CHANGING!"
The bartender shakes his head in disappointment and says:
"Didn’t know what I was expecting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aft7c5/a_corn_walks_into_a_bar/
%
We should get all the ex-soviet states back together

Then we could have a Soviet Re-Union

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aft7a9/we_should_get_all_the_exsoviet_states_back/
%
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold out-Tide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aft5se/why_do_people_wash_their_clothes_in_tide/
%
What's the difference between Kylie Jenner and an egg?

One is just a fragile shell, containing contents so shallow, they hardly give any sustenance to those who want it. And if dropped, or tossed away, can be easily replaced by bunch of others, exactly like them.
And the other is an egg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aft3hw/whats_the_difference_between_kylie_jenner_and_an/
%
To me perfect sex is like a carwash.

You start by lining it up and going in slow, and finish when three Mexican dudes run up and furiously towel you off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afsxl3/to_me_perfect_sex_is_like_a_carwash/
%
I must say that I completely support scientists working on discovering a real invisibility cloak.

I just want to make myself clear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afsx97/i_must_say_that_i_completely_support_scientists/
%
A duck walks into a bar

and he says to the bartender,
“give me a drink.”
The bartender says “which drink we have like 80 different drinks”
The duck says “Just put it on my bill”
The bartender looks at the duck and says, “I still don’t know what drink you want.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afsw3i/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I almost married the girl of my dreams.

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afst7a/i_almost_married_the_girl_of_my_dreams/
%
Broke up with my gf because she liked birds too much...

her favorite being a cockatoo... at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afspl1/broke_up_with_my_gf_because_she_liked_birds_too/
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I used to have a major fear of speedbumps...

Now I'm slowly getting over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afsjv6/i_used_to_have_a_major_fear_of_speedbumps/
%
Why is it impossible to sneak up on Santa?

He can always feel your presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afsgvi/why_is_it_impossible_to_sneak_up_on_santa/
%
What did the proton say to the electron?

Why do you always got to be so negative?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afsg4j/what_did_the_proton_say_to_the_electron/
%
A blonde walks into the doctor’s office

She is flustered and holding her finger, which is bleeding profusely. “Doctor, please, I need help!” she exclaims.
“Calm down,” the doctor says. “What happened?”
The blonde explains, “I was trying to commit suicide, but I failed.”
Interested, the doctor asks, “Can you tell me more about this?”
The blonde rolls her eyes, “Well, I had everything planned out. I bought a gun and figured that I could probably kill myself if I put the gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. But then I thought about all the money I spent fixing my teeth, so I didn’t want to shoot myself there.”
She continues, “I then thought to myself, what about between the eyes? But then I remembered I spent a lot of money on plastic surgery for my face, so there’s no way I could do that.”
She pauses, “I then pointed the gun at my heart, but there was no way I could pull the trigger. My boob job cost me god knows how many dollars!”
The doctor nods, “Okay, so how did you hurt your finger?”
The blonde replies, “I finally had a great idea. I would shoot myself in the head, but through my ear. That way, my face would remain pretty even after shooting myself. I went to pull the trigger, but then I remembered that guns are loud so I covered my other ear with my finger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afsazk/a_blonde_walks_into_the_doctors_office/
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What’s the male ghosts favorite part of a female ghost?

Her boooooobies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afs8dz/whats_the_male_ghosts_favorite_part_of_a_female/
%
TIL The record for most pushups while holding the office of President is John Quincy Adams with 1,023.

George W. Bush did 911

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afs6dc/til_the_record_for_most_pushups_while_holding_the/
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I went to a restaurant...

It was full; no place to sit... I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afs608/i_went_to_a_restaurant/
%
What do you call a parrot that speaks more than one language?

Polly-lingual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afs0qq/what_do_you_call_a_parrot_that_speaks_more_than/
%
A cowboy gets accepted to Harvard...

It's his first day on campus and he's trying to find a library.
A woman who looks like she knows where she's going walks by, and the cowboy politely asks, " 'Scuse me, m'am, would you mind tellin' me where the library's at?"
The woman sneers, rolls her eyes, and scoffs, "This is Harvard-- we don't end sentences with prepositions."
The cowboy smiles, tips his hat, and says, "Pard'n me, you're absolutely right-- would you mind telling me where the library's at, bitch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afrzmv/a_cowboy_gets_accepted_to_harvard/
%
Why does bourbon come in fifths?

Because you need it when you're too tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afryes/why_does_bourbon_come_in_fifths/
%
The year is 2540.

A student in history class notices something off about his textbook. "How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?" The teacher puts his air-marker down on the table, lowers his head, and sighs. "Because..." he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, "...only 90's kids remember the 90's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afrxeh/the_year_is_2540/
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I bought a girl flowers and she thought I expected something in return...

She said "oh, so you just expect me to go in the bedroom and lie on the bed with me legs up?"
I said " you don't have a vase?"
-Tahir Bilgic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afrr7s/i_bought_a_girl_flowers_and_she_thought_i/
%
Why was Jesus so fit?

He was cross training.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afrllg/why_was_jesus_so_fit/
%
Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

He was one of the heroes who fought in the Trojan War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held him by the groin, this was where he became vulnerable. In the case of Achilles, this was his heel. So you may have heard of Achilles' heel, or the Achilles’ tendon, but I bet you have never heard of Bophades nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afrl4y/have_you_ever_heard_of_the_greek_hero_bophades/
%
6 months into our relationship, I found out that my boyfriend is a huge fan of ass play.

I guess I just didn't peg him for one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afrhbj/6_months_into_our_relationship_i_found_out_that/
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Me: Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I’m planning to run a half marathon tomorrow.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afrdn6/me_officer_you_cant_give_me_a_ticket_im_planning/
%
A man and his daughter get into an intense arguement.

Finally the daughter can take it anymore and storms off to her room shouting "Jim Morrison is over rated" before angrily shutting her bedroom door.
Her father equally as angry yelled back "How many times do I have to tell you? In this house we dont slam The Doors."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afrcxo/a_man_and_his_daughter_get_into_an_intense/
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I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afr6du/i_love_harry_potter_but_after_rereading_the/
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Someone called me an asshole the other day

What can I say, you are what you eat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afr1v6/someone_called_me_an_asshole_the_other_day/
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This fellow walks by an optometrist's shop.

Displayed in the storefront is a gigantic pair of sunglasses accompanied by a sign, "Nudie Sunglasses!" The chap is intrigued, goes inside and asks the optometrist about them. The optometrist says, "Try them on and see for yourself."
The guy tries on the giant sunglasses, looks at the optometrist and can't believe what he sees. The optometrist appears totally naked! "Does this mean that when I put on these sunglasses everyone becomes nude?"
"That's right."
Well, the guy just has to have them, so he buys a pair and heads home. When he gets there, he opens the door, puts on his new nudie sunglasses and walks into the living room. There he sees his wife sitting on the couch with his neighbor, both appearing to be stark naked.
"You're not going to believe this, Dear," says the guy, "but I just bought these super duper sunglasses."
He takes them off to show her and notices the wife and neighbor are still nude. "Geez," he complains, "I've only had these sunglasses half an hour and they're broken already!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afr0gu/this_fellow_walks_by_an_optometrists_shop/
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Did you blow it at work?

I hope the promotion was worth the dignity hit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqy6e/did_you_blow_it_at_work/
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It’s really hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they always take things literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqwcy/its_really_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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What do pregnant teenagers and their babies share?

They both think, ”Mum’s probably going to kill me”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqw2s/what_do_pregnant_teenagers_and_their_babies_share/
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I made a page for Chinese nazis

It’s got 3 Reichs on Facebook already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqw1m/i_made_a_page_for_chinese_nazis/
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A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some two-by-fours. The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?"

The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqvcn/a_guy_walks_into_a_lumberyard_and_asks_for_some/
%
What kind of fish has a lot of sodium?

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqu4p/what_kind_of_fish_has_a_lot_of_sodium/
%
From my 6 yr old

...
What did the earthquake say to the person?
It wasn't my fault!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqtsg/from_my_6_yr_old/
%
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqtia/they_say_pineapple_juice_makes_your_cum_taste/
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There's nothing I love more than monogamy and mahogany.

I've been having sex with the same coffee table for 15 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqt07/theres_nothing_i_love_more_than_monogamy_and/
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My stepdad told me it was pointless to apply to med-school because I was “too stupid to be a doctor”

8 years later and one of us is an unemployed loser with a drinking problem and the other is making six figures and going to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqrbq/my_stepdad_told_me_it_was_pointless_to_apply_to/
%
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Cause they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqo97/why_dont_you_ever_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
Interviewer: “Do you have any allergies?”
Applicant: “Yes, I’m allergic to caffeine so I don’t drink coffee.”
Interviewer: “Ok. Are you a veteran?”
Applicant: “Yes, I was in Iraq for 3 years.”
Interviewer: “Ok, that adds 5 points to your resume. Are you disabled?”
Applicant: “Yes, while in Iraq I was next to an IED and it went off and blew off my dick.”
Interviewer: “Ok, that gives you another 10 points towards your resume. So based on your points I can hire you on the spot, you can start tomorrow. Our hours are 8am to 4pm, but you don’t have to come in until 10am. As a matter of fact just start at 10am everyday.”
Applicant: “I appreciate it, but if you don’t mind me asking, if the hours are 8am to 4pm why do I come in at 10am?”
Interviewer: “Well, this is a government job. For the first 2 hours we just stand around drinking coffee with our dicks in our hands. So since you’ll be missing that come in at 10am.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqkmt/government_job/
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r/jokes is holding a meetup.

Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event.
"Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank--" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his sentence. Without warning, a hooded figure comes up behind him, unsheathes a large scythe, and lops of his head.
Blood sprays everywhere. Pandemonium ensues. In the confusion, the spectre disappears with the body.
Emergency services are called, and a manhunt begins, but in the meantime the subscribers of r/jokes have decided to continue with the convention. u/iBleeedOrange, as the mod with the most karma, is chosen to be the new host.
"I'm sorry everybody had to go through that, and may u/Daleeburg rest in peace," he says, straightening his Syracuse hat. "But now we can continue without further interruption. Please give a warm welcome to---"
u/iBleeedOrange stops speaking, because the murderer materializes behind him and decapitates him, just as before.
As chaos reigns in the venue, what can only be the Grim Reaper disappears with the body again.
After everything quiets down, though, the r/jokes subscribers decide to give the meetup one last shot. They select a very nervous u/love_the_heat to be host because of his avid mod work and increase security, just to be on the safe side.
"Welco--" u/love_the_heat begins, but is immediately killed by the Grim Reaper, who popped out of nowhere to chop off his head with that rather large scythe of his.
Security, however, is quick to react this time, and they tackle Death to the ground, subduing and handcuffing him. As they lead him off the stage in shackles, someone yells "why? Why did you have to come to the r/jokes meetup?"
Death turned around and gave his answer.
"To reap host."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqj5k/rjokes_is_holding_a_meetup/
%
I saw a telephone wire starting to fall on someones car the other day on my way home from work but I don't think they noticed

They would be in for a shock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqh5x/i_saw_a_telephone_wire_starting_to_fall_on/
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Why couldn't Bach afford a new baton?

Because he was Baroque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqgom/why_couldnt_bach_afford_a_new_baton/
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Four students carpool to school.

They had a final exam and wanted to impress their classmates, so they agreed to arrive 30 mins late for the exam.
As soon as they arrived late, their teacher asked them why they were late. The driver responded: "we had a flat tire sir"
The teacher said: "very well, why don't the four of you sit right there at the back"
They sat down and started writing their test, only for the teacher to get to them and say: "there's been a change in the exam for the four of you. Question 1: which tire was flat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afqad8/four_students_carpool_to_school/
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Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afq8yv/why_did_the_first_monkey_fall_out_of_the_tree/
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My golf game is a lot like my sex life.....

.....both are all about my right hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afq41j/my_golf_game_is_a_lot_like_my_sex_life/
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I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afpzpn/i_live_in_constant_fear_that_trump_will_deport_my/
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A serial killer leaves his mark by writing four numbers on each victim.

On the right palm, on the forehead, on the left palm, and on the abdomen.
The first victim is discovered in the Florida Everglades.
0, 8, 2 on his hands and forehead. 5 on his abdomen.
“We believe the numbers may be significant,” a uniformed man reads from a prepared statement to the press, “but we cannot say for sure at this time.” Detective Pierce has seen more faces of death than any man should ever have to endure, but this case—this seems different, somehow.
Another victim is discovered in the marshes of Louisiana soon after.
0, 8, 0 on her hands and forehead. 19 on her abdomen.
Are they connected? Law enforcement in Louisiana contact the agency in Florida. Criminal psychologists and cipher experts are called in to decode the strange numerical messages. Nothing yet. There isn’t enough data. Detective Pierce knows, if there is a deeper meaning, *it will only surface with more bodies*. To solve the murder, more must be committed. A cruel irony.
A third victim emerges, and a macabre certainty is apparent—a serial killer.
0, 6, 9; 2
“What could it mean?” Detective Pierce ponders over a table littered with dozens of photographs. The psychological stress begins to weigh on him. He first began the investigation into the mysterious number killings, and he now makes it his mission to discover the secret of these symbols and put an end to this evil.
More victims.
0, 7, 1; 6
0, 6, 5; 10
0, 7, 8; 8
0, 7, 3; 12
0, 6, 9; 4
0, 7, 8; 9
“*069* repeats!” the authorities notice after the ninth victim is discovered. “It’s certainly a code!”
“And here! The victims with 8 and 9 on the abdomen have identical numbers on the hands and forehead too: both 0, 7, 8.”
Detective Pierce broods over this information. He locks himself away with the numbers, poring through literature about ciphers and codes. He devises complex algorithms to analyze the data, looking for patterns.
Pierce has always put work before his family. His colleagues will all tell you that. But the domestic strain from the number killings is pushing his relationships to the brink of collapse.
Another body in Florida.
0, 8, 5; 17
Pierce is on the scene, crouching over the Number Killer’s latest conquest, examining the slapdash *17* scrawled unceremoniously on the abdomen.
“Detective Pierce.” A voice from behind him. Pierce stands and peels the purple nitrile gloves from his hands and glowers at the intruder on his crime scene. “Agent Rickson. Federal Bureau of Investigation. This is my crime scene now, sir. I’ll need a full briefing.”
“The *hell* it is!” Pierce snaps back. “I’ve been working these killings from *day one*! You think you can just come in here with your federal mandate and expect me to catch you up on all the work *my people* have done?!”
Agent Rickson hands Pierce a bound legal envelope. “You’ve been relieved.”
“This isn’t over. You’re gambling with people’s lives…*sir*.” Detective Pierce practically spits the final word at the agent’s feet before snatching the envelope and rushing off the scene.
Over the next two weeks, eight more victims. Pierce’s anxiety has left him unable to leave his office. He hasn’t been home in three days. Though he’s officially off the case, he’s still haunted by the numbers and mounting body count. His work has suffered to the point that his superiors have issued reprimands.
At his wits’ end, Detective Pierce pulls officer Malloy into his office. Malloy is a rookie who’s eager to please and has a knack for numbers.
“I need you on special assignment, rookie.” Pierce is looking pensively out his office window when Malloy enters.
“Special assignment, sir?”
“*Secret*, special assignment, Malloy.” He turns and places a sealed envelope on the table. “I need you to collect everything we have on the Number Killings. Meet me at the address enclosed here. Tomorrow night. Midnight. Tell no one.”
“But sir, I thought you had been reliev-”
“Dammit, rookie! Do you want more people to *die*?! We need to figure out this nonsense now or we’re going to end up with dead bodies in triple digits, son!”
Malloy reluctantly agrees. He smuggles boxes of files and pictures out of the precinct late the next night and meets Pierce at an abandoned warehouse to go over the information.
For hours, the two sit at opposite tables, running numbers, delving into research, and analyzing the evidence, late into the early hours of the morning.
With a sudden energetic vigor, Malloy springs from his chair and cries out, “ASCII!”
Startled out of his analytic trance, Pierce inquires, “What did you say, Malloy?”
“ASCII! It’s a computer language that uses numbers to represent letters! Look!” Malloy pulls up a reference sheet and begins arranging numbers on Pierce’s desk. “If we take the abdomen numbers as the order, and the palm and foreheadnumbers as the code for the letter…”
“Malloy, you’re a genius!”
Working furiously, Pierce and Malloy clear a space on the dusty warehouse floor to lay out the pictures in sequence:
Abdomens: 6, 12, 17…
G, I, U…
4, 9, 11…
E, N, G…
In minutes, the men have spread 76 photos over a 10 foot square of the warehouse floor and scratched nervous letters on ripped sheets of notebook paper under each group corresponding to the symbol.
As they finish, Malloy stands back to survey the message.
“No…” All blood drains from his face. His legs go weak, and he collapses onto his knees. “It can’t…It just…It *can’t*!
Detective Pierce is wide-eyed next to Malloy’s broken form, mouth agape.
A sound from the warehouse wall rattles the building as a dozen federal agents storm the facility.
“Mother of God…” Pierce doesn’t even notice the agents. His unbroken stare is consumed by the message on the dusty warehouse floor.
Agent Rickson grabs hold of Detective Pierce. “You’re under arrest for interfering with a federal investigation and tampering with evidence.”
Malloy sheepishly confesses. “I told them everything! I told them you wanted me to take the evidence. It was a setup. I was worried about you. I’m sorry! But I never thought…oh God! What can we do?!”
Pierce is handcuffed, and as he is dragged backward from the grotesque mosaic of death, he laughs in spite of himself, “You monster…”
As he comes back to his senses, Pierce begins tearing at the agents pulling him away. He lets out a shrill, animalistic shriek…
“YOU MONSTER!!”
The other agents crowd around the space on the floor that has itself become a crime scene, and in an eerie silence, they collectively ponder the ethereal message left by the elusive Numbers Killer:
“NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP”
**EDIT (TLDR):**
Thanks for the support, and also some people are asking for a tldr because (obviously) it's really long.
Here's a [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5a0jTc9S10&ab_channel=YourUncleMoe) to basically sum it up. Have a nice day.
Also, thank you /u/about_tyme for ASCII number edits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afpk6k/a_serial_killer_leaves_his_mark_by_writing_four/
%
you might think babies are delivered by storks

but fat babies require cranes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afpjiw/you_might_think_babies_are_delivered_by_storks/
%
What is the difference between a stamp and my balls ?

My balls don't need to be licked to be sticky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afpiqo/what_is_the_difference_between_a_stamp_and_my/
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I slept like a baby last night

...only for 3 hours, the rest of the time I spent crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afpijx/i_slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
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A one armed man enters a store and asks:

"Is this a second hand shop?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afpigu/a_one_armed_man_enters_a_store_and_asks/
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I recently started dating a girl in admin....

She's just great, she really ticks all the boxes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afpho5/i_recently_started_dating_a_girl_in_admin/
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2 cannibalistic clowns were eating a fellow clown

One looks at the other
“Does this taste funny”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afpczn/2_cannibalistic_clowns_were_eating_a_fellow_clown/
%
Batman and Robin walk in on two priests having anal sex.

Robin exclaims, "Holy fucking shit, Batman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afpbdk/batman_and_robin_walk_in_on_two_priests_having/
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Me: man I reckon i'm the greatest procrastinator in the world, no one's better at procrastination than me

Friend: oh really? how about we have a contest
Me: yeah sure just gimme 5 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afp95r/me_man_i_reckon_im_the_greatest_procrastinator_in/
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A physicist sees a young man about to jump off a tall building.

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afp7ak/a_physicist_sees_a_young_man_about_to_jump_off_a/
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My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying.

It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afp6fz/my_friend_gave_me_his_epipen_as_he_was_dying/
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I think my blind friend is mad at me

I was speaking sign language to him and he just ignored me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afp5wc/i_think_my_blind_friend_is_mad_at_me/
%
Doctor: “I have great news!”

“We’re naming a new disease after you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afp5la/doctor_i_have_great_news/
%
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

They then call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afp4dp/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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What does a zombie vegan eat ?

**GRRRAAAIIINNNNS!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afoyvf/what_does_a_zombie_vegan_eat/
%
When does a car stop being a car?

The second it turns into a driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afot8c/when_does_a_car_stop_being_a_car/
%
Who won the argument between the 20 degree angle and the 90 degree angle

The 90 degree angle because 90 degrees is always right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afot6u/who_won_the_argument_between_the_20_degree_angle/
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The Hunters

Bill and his three hunting buddies head out into the mountains to hunt some deer at a cabin they rented. They bring classic rifles not very strong but good enough to bring down a deer. One of Bill's buddies notices a bear and takes a shot at him. The bullet hits the bear but it does nothing but piss him off. He chases down the hunter and mauls him. He begins to attack all of Bill's friends, and they are promptly mauled to death. The bear gets to Bill then stops and says, "Know what? I ain't to hungry any more. I'll let you go but you gotta suck my dick."
Bill says, "No fucking way."
"Well then i guess im eating again."
Bill drops to his hands and knees and begs the bear to let him go.
He tells him again, "Suck my dick."
Bill does it and he is allowed to leave but returns to the cabin, the whole way crying and yelling about the mother fuckin bear. He returns with a 50 cal Sniper. He sees the same bear and shoots him but again all it does is piss him off. The bear rushes at Bill but Bill promptly sucks his dick. The bear grumbles a bit then leaves him alone.
He runs back to the cabin and comes back with an Rpg.
"Now i gotcha." He shoots a rocket at the bear and it hits. Smoke fills the air and so does the scent of burned meat. He runs over to where it was and sees a small piece of singed bear fur. He picks it up and says, "Got you know mother fucker."
Just then he feels a tap on his shoulder and he turns around to see the bear.
The bear sighs and says, "You don't come here for the hunting do ya?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afoswf/the_hunters/
%
What do you call an only child who lives in Alabama

a virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afompq/what_do_you_call_an_only_child_who_lives_in/
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My friend and I discussed the earliest known sex joke.

The Big Bang theory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afojsn/my_friend_and_i_discussed_the_earliest_known_sex/
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I got so close to having a threesome.

I only needed 2 other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afoh0e/i_got_so_close_to_having_a_threesome/
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Why can a Kardashian never drown?

They're always way too shallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afoe7a/why_can_a_kardashian_never_drown/
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England doesn’t have a kidney bank....

But it has a Liverpool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afocmx/england_doesnt_have_a_kidney_bank/
%
The Carpenter came around the other day...

He made an amazing entrance!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afo7cf/the_carpenter_came_around_the_other_day/
%
I was recently asked why I bought paper with dolphins on them

Because the paper was multi-porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afo6sr/i_was_recently_asked_why_i_bought_paper_with/
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What did the wheelchair-bound software developer say when asked to speak at an Apple Keynote?

"Sorry, but I don't do stand-up comedy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afo5in/what_did_the_wheelchairbound_software_developer/
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A husband and wife decide they need some extra money [NSFW]

A husband and wife decide they need some extra money to help pay the bills. The wife, being dutiful and willing to do anything to help out the family, decides she's going to start selling blowjobs.
At the end of her first day at this new endeavor she comes back home on the verge of tears, but she throws $100.05 on the table in front of her husband. The husband is amazed, "Wow sweetie, a hundred dollars that's great! But who gave you the five cents?"
She opens her mouth and a flood of cum pours down as she cries out, "All of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afo37l/a_husband_and_wife_decide_they_need_some_extra/
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Everyone remembers the zip code to Beverly Hills (90210)...

...but do you remember the zip code to Dawson's Creek?
90108 (for our lives to be over)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afo249/everyone_remembers_the_zip_code_to_beverly_hills/
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A man is on a private safari in the middle of the desert.

It is just him and a guide. They’re speeding along in a car, looking out for wild animals. Suddenly, the man desperately needs to pee, and so they stop at an oasis for him to relieve himself.
As he’s peeing, he is distracted by a herd of beasts in the distance, As he is gazing off to the side, a small, yet extremely lethal red and blue snake bites him right on the head of his dick. He immediately falls over in the worst pain of his life and cries out for the guide to call an ambulance.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“A man has just been bitten by a red and blue snake.” the guide explains.
“Where are you?”
“About 300 miles east of route 17”
“Sir I’m afraid that’s too far” the responder says. “It is necessary that you perform first aid or the man will die shortly”
“Ok what must I do?”
“You must suck the venom out of the wound.” the responder says.
The guide hangs up.
“What did they say?!” The man screams as he holds his now purple penis.
“You’re gonna die”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afnv6q/a_man_is_on_a_private_safari_in_the_middle_of_the/
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Soy milk is just ordinary milk

introducing itself in Spanish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afnu3g/soy_milk_is_just_ordinary_milk/
%
I walked in on my parents having sex.

Most awkward 45 minutes of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afnoq3/i_walked_in_on_my_parents_having_sex/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afnjs6/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
I got fired my first week of being an emergency responder.

It's not my fault that Waze kept routing me around all the accidents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afniw1/i_got_fired_my_first_week_of_being_an_emergency/
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A Blind man in a restaurant

A blind man went to a restaurant. "Menu sir?" asked the owner
"I'm blind just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order." the confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath "Yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. "Unbelievable!" thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. 2 weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to see how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said,"Do me a favour and rub this fork over your private part!!" which she did! He then goes to the man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says,"Oh interesting! I never knew Brenda worked here..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afnfml/a_blind_man_in_a_restaurant/
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Why couldn’t Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he was married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afndxo/why_couldnt_ray_charles_see_his_friends/
%
Yo mama so fat

Thanos had to snap twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afnbdx/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
Why major in philosophy?

- can be smug after only 2-3 classes
- only major where you finish knowing less than when you started
- generally better beards than psychology
- can't find a job, but then again what even is a job?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afna9f/why_major_in_philosophy/
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Never start fights with flat earth theorist!

They’ll always go over the edge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afn6a4/never_start_fights_with_flat_earth_theorist/
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I like weddings in Alabama...

I normally have to ask which side is for the groom and which is for the bride but in Alabama, they're all family!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afn5ti/i_like_weddings_in_alabama/
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If you were driving a stolen Tesla,

Would it be called Edison?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afn2qa/if_you_were_driving_a_stolen_tesla/
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A man is late for an important interview

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray.
"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!"
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmzc9/a_man_is_late_for_an_important_interview/
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This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmw9c/this_is_now_the_longest_government_shut_down_in/
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So a ginger friend of mine got their hair dyed, I guess you could say they are now...

A transginger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmvqa/so_a_ginger_friend_of_mine_got_their_hair_dyed_i/
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I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmtwa/i_feel_sorry_for_the_children_of_samesex_couples/
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How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmtvk/how_many_grammar_nazis_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmtut/the_first_time_i_had_sex_it_was_in_my_parents/
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An old man and his grandson are fishing in a canoe.

About an hour into their excursion, the old man pulls out a tin of chewing tobacco and pops some in his mouth.
The boy notices and asks, “Hey, granddad! Can I try some of that?”
The old man says, “I dunno. Can your dick touch your asshole?”
The boy replies, “Well, no.”
“Then no. You can’t have any.”
About an hour later, the old man pops open a can of beer.
Again, the boy says, “Hey, granddad! Can I try some of that?”
The old man says, “I dunno. Can your dick touch your asshole?”
The boy replies with an eye roll, “No, granddad.”
“Then no. You can’t have any.”
Another hour passes. The boy reaches into his lunch bag and pulls out a baggie of cookies his grandmother baked for him.
The old man notices and asks, “Hey! Those look really good! Can I have one?”
The boy looks up at his grandfather and says, “I dunno, granddad. Can your dick touch your asshole?”
The old man grins and says, “Why, yes it can!”
The boy replies, “Then you can go fuck yourself. These are MY cookies.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmrof/an_old_man_and_his_grandson_are_fishing_in_a_canoe/
%
Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'
Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another one coming.'
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, . .. . . ....
'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmrcd/deep_in_the_back_woods_of_letcher_county_kentucky/
%
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase

He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
"Where are you going?" she asks
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmnu4/a_man_walks_into_his_bedroom_and_sees_his_wife/
%
I was at the club, dancing the other night

While on the dance floor, the DJ started playing the Twist, so I did the twist!
After that was done, he played the Bump, so I did the bump.
And after that one, the Macarena, same story.
Then 'Come on Eileen' came on... That's when I got kicked out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afml55/i_was_at_the_club_dancing_the_other_night/
%
A teacher asks Little Johnny if he knows his numbers

“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.”
“Can you tell me what comes after three?”
“Four”
“What comes after six?”
“Seven”
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job.
What comes after ten?”
“A jack,” answers Little Johnny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmk1g/a_teacher_asks_little_johnny_if_he_knows_his/
%
Checkmate atheists

If god doesn't exist, explain how my girlfriend is pregnant when we've never had sex. Checkmate atheists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmjlr/checkmate_atheists/
%
Three guys die and go to heaven.

Before they're allowed in they must tell St. Peter how they died. The first guy says "I was working out on my apartment balcony when I suddenly lose my balance and fall over the side. I managed to catch hold of the balcony below and started screaming for help. Suddenly this guy comes out and sees me hanging there off his balcony. He starts kicking me in the face trying to kick me off, shouting and swearing at me. He then disappears and comes back holding his fridge and throws it at me. It hits me and I fell to my death."
St. Peter. "Wow that's pretty bad. Head on in."
The second guy approaches. "I got home from work and found my wife laying naked on the bed. Two wine glasses were on the bedside table, so I knew she must have been cheating. I searched the whole apartment, but couldn't find the guy. Suddenly I hear shouting coming from the balcony. I go out and see the guy hanging there, trying climb down. I got really angry and tried to kick him off, but he held on. In a fit of rage I grab the fridge and throw it at the guy. The power cable wraps around my neck and pulls me off and I fall to my death.
St. Peter. "That's pretty gruesome, although understandable. Head on in."
The last guy approaches. "I was hiding in a fridge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmj85/three_guys_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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What’s it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmfx9/whats_it_called_when_a_king_and_queen_have_no/
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I submitted ten puns into a pun contest, wanna know how many won?

No pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmf7u/i_submitted_ten_puns_into_a_pun_contest_wanna/
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Me: I got rid of my fear of ghosts

Therapist: Thats the spirit
Me: Oh fuck, where

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmf1t/me_i_got_rid_of_my_fear_of_ghosts/
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Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmek8/why_couldnt_the_chemist_laugh_at_the_queens_fart/
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It’s been 10 years since I quit bitting my nails.

Once I hit my mid twenties I was no longer flexible enough to reach my toes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmdod/its_been_10_years_since_i_quit_bitting_my_nails/
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A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”? The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”? The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want”? “Aha”, he says,... "United Airlines".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afmbhf/a_man_is_alone_in_an_airport_lounge/
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My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afm0rt/my_german_girlfriend_likes_to_rate_my_sexual/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aflu8o/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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Several men are in the locker room.........

.......... of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in he room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ... go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aflsl6/several_men_are_in_the_locker_room/
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Three guys go to a bar

They get really, really, really drunk.
They meet up the next day. Guy #1 says, "I got so drunk last night that I passed out right in the bar."
Guy #2 says, "That's nothing. I got so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks."
Guy #3 says, "That's nothing.  I got so drunk last night that on the way home I got pulled over by a cop and got arrested for DWI."
Guy #2 says, "That's nothing. Chunks is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aflp6b/three_guys_go_to_a_bar/
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A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code.

He refused to comment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aflmsv/a_programmer_was_arrested_for_writing_unreadable/
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Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween..

I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aflmh3/jehovahs_witnesses_dont_celebrate_halloween/
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A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, “ok, let’s see if this dog is gonna make us rich”. The guy says, “ Fido, what’s the top of a house called”? Roof! “What’s on a tree”? Bark! “How does sandpaper feel”? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, “Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions “.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aflhpv/a_man_walks_into_a_talent_agency_with_his_dog/
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A man was driving along the highway......

.........and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying by the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked him what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry and that she knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved his paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and then hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved. It continued hopping, turning and waving every 50 feet until it was out of sight. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can. He ran over to the woman and asked "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so the man could read the label - it said:
Hair spray - Restores life to dead hair - adds permanent wave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aflg45/a_man_was_driving_along_the_highway/
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I was sitting on a park bench wondering why frisbees get bigger the closer they get to you

And then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afl2wp/i_was_sitting_on_a_park_bench_wondering_why/
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There’s been a rumor going around recently that Rowan Atkinson can’t please his wife

Apparently he missed her bean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afl1ll/theres_been_a_rumor_going_around_recently_that/
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I was bout to make a sodium joke but...

Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afl1hl/i_was_bout_to_make_a_sodium_joke_but/
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I have the body of a god

Unfortunately, it's Buddah...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afl0jq/i_have_the_body_of_a_god/
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Interview with a reporter

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afkym2/interview_with_a_reporter/
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THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As  she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied,
"Actually, I've seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afkw3o/the_toilet_seat/
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The Pope goes to New York.

He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''
But the pope persists, ''Please?''
The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.''
So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.''
Chief: ''What sort of problem?''
Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.''
Chief: ''Important like the mayor?''
Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.''
Chief: ''Important like the governor?''
Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.''
Chief: ''Like the president?''
Cop: ''More.''
Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?''
Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afkrl5/the_pope_goes_to_new_york/
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What's the main problem with mansplaining?

Most women use the terminology wrong.  You see...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afkpvn/whats_the_main_problem_with_mansplaining/
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If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afkpvl/if_somebody_offered_me_a_coin_flip_to_either_get/
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What do you call an unborn retarded child?

Down but not out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afknao/what_do_you_call_an_unborn_retarded_child/
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A couple from Alabama get married...

They go off to Las Vegas for their honeymoon. Once they get settled in their hotel room, they start getting ready for their big night.
The guy comes out of the shower and starts walking towards her on the bed. She says, "This is my first time so be gentle". He get all kinds of angry, gets dressed, packs his stuff, and leaves.
About three weeks later, he's still at home and won't call his new wife. His dad gives him space, but eventually asks him what's wrong.
The guy says, "well Dad, she was a virgin".
His dad replies, "That's alright son. If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afkge9/a_couple_from_alabama_get_married/
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Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afkclr/police_have_arrested_the_world_tonguetwister/
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I went to the worst restaurant last night

The waiter was holding my steak down with his thumb.
I said 'Excuse me, why are you holding my steak down with your thumb?'
He said 'Well I wouldn't want to drop it again'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afkbcw/i_went_to_the_worst_restaurant_last_night/
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Teacher," Tell me a sentence that starts with an 'I'."

Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'.
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afk9lh/teacher_tell_me_a_sentence_that_starts_with_an_i/
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What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afk7lt/what_does_america_have_that_canada_doesnt/
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My Doctor said I may die because I’ve consumed clay

If I’m going to be honest, I’m shitting bricks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afk5ra/my_doctor_said_i_may_die_because_ive_consumed_clay/
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Trump's wall is a metaphor for his penis

Nobody wants to see it and he can't get it up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afk3zg/trumps_wall_is_a_metaphor_for_his_penis/
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I hate using public restrooms...

... because there always seems to be an asshole nearby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afk2k8/i_hate_using_public_restrooms/
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Carrots may be good....

Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afjzq8/carrots_may_be_good/
%
Shovel was one of the greatest inventions

This invention was ground breaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afjzj4/shovel_was_one_of_the_greatest_inventions/
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I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afjxw0/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_the_calendar/
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Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afjwwj/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
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I help blind kids

Verb, not adjective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afjp70/i_help_blind_kids/
%
Whats the difference between being a lumberjack and other jobs?

You get the axe when you're hired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afjork/whats_the_difference_between_being_a_lumberjack/
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I went to the hospital with a toilet brush up my butt...

The doctor asked "How did this happen?"
I said "Well I met this girl in a club and took her back to mine..."
He interrupted and asked "Into the kinky stuff was she?"
I said "No. The wife was home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afjo4x/i_went_to_the_hospital_with_a_toilet_brush_up_my/
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Never thought eating a clock would take so long

it's time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afjn3g/never_thought_eating_a_clock_would_take_so_long/
%
I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform

But I partied like it was $19.99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afjlnp/i_once_paid_2000_to_see_prince_perform/
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Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her “on what day will i die?” The seeress assured him that he will die on a jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?”demanded Hitler.

“Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a jewish holiday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afjhf9/hitler_went_to_a_fortune_teller_and_asked_her_on/
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I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afjfz2/i_was_playing_chess_with_my_friend_and_he_said/
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After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,
from the local Shopping centre:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afjdbz/after_my_retirement_at_the_company_i_worked_at/
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Boy and girl at the library

A boy asked a girl in  a library, "Do  you mind  if I sit beside you"? The girl Answered with a loud angry  voice; "I don't want  to spend the night with you!! All the pple in the library started  staring at  the boy  and he was  embarrassed. After minutes  the girl  walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him I study  psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed,right? The guy responded with a loud  voice :$300 for one night That's too much!! and all the people in the library  looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how  to make someone guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afjb1y/boy_and_girl_at_the_library/
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What's the national bird of Syria?

American drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afj9rz/whats_the_national_bird_of_syria/
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Heard about the two calendar thieves who were caught?

They each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afj68o/heard_about_the_two_calendar_thieves_who_were/
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There is no ghost

While visiting a spooky historic house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour.
To reassure her, the guide told her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.
“And how long have you worked here?” asked the woman.
“Three hundred years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afj5pu/there_is_no_ghost/
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What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and a paedophile?

Margaret Thatcher tried to keep miners away from shafts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afj50r/whats_the_difference_between_margaret_thatcher/
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Brutal wife

Husband says to his wife "How come you never tell me when you orgasm ?"
She says "I don't like calling you at work"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afj3q3/brutal_wife/
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What's the difference between a single man and a married man.

Ones spends his nights alone watching porn, being miserable.
And the other one's single.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afj3f7/whats_the_difference_between_a_single_man_and_a/
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How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

One,
But it take the entire emergency department to get it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afj3cn/how_many_perverts_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What do tornadoes and divorce in the south have in common?

Either way, someone's losing a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afj2xf/what_do_tornadoes_and_divorce_in_the_south_have/
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What does a redditor being paid by a terrorist say?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afj103/what_does_a_redditor_being_paid_by_a_terrorist_say/
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How do you keep an asshole in suspense?

I’ll tell you tomorrow....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afj0te/how_do_you_keep_an_asshole_in_suspense/
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Blackjack

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.”
He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.”
After weeks of this, he relents and sells his store. The voice says “Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Saul, take the $3 million to Las  Vegas.”
He obeys, goes to a casino. The voice says, “Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but knows he must.
He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Saul, take a card.”  “What? The dealer has — “Take a card!”
He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.
“Saul, take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!”
He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. “Saul, take another card,” the voice commands. “I have twenty! Saul shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice.
“Hit me!”,Saul says.
He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: “un-fucking-believable!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afiyj5/blackjack/
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I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water...

Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afivh9/i_was_grilling_a_steak_earlier_and_the_smell_of/
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What does a Reditor and the Ocean have in common?

Both are salty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afis4a/what_does_a_reditor_and_the_ocean_have_in_common/
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Two mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one laments that the average person knows very little about math. The second one disagrees, and they argue over this point for a while.
The first mathematician eventually gets up to use the restroom. While he’s away, the second mathematician calls the waitress over and tells her that, in a few minutes, he’s going to call her over and ask her a question. All she needs to do is respond to it by saying “One third x cubed”.
She repeats, with a puzzled look on her face: “One thir...dex cue???”
He corrects her: “One third x cubed.”
She agrees, and walks away, diffidently repeating to herself “One third...dex cube...One...third dex cube...One third dex…cube.”
When the first mathematician returns, the second proposes a bet—that he’ll ask the waitress to solve an integral, and she’ll be able to do it. The first one agrees, and so the second one calls the waitress over and asks her: “What’s the integral of x squared?”
The waitress proudly states: “One third x cubed!”
As she’s walking away, she looks over her shoulder, smiles, and says: “plus a constant of integration.”
Moral: A degree in mathematics will lead to a waiting job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afinci/two_mathematicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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A man failed his gay Latino literature gang initiaton

He didn't do his essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afimov/a_man_failed_his_gay_latino_literature_gang/
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Why did the crab cross the road?

Actually, it never did. It used the sidewalk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afimk1/why_did_the_crab_cross_the_road/
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Why did the duck need to sell himself?

He got hooked on the quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afilj5/why_did_the_duck_need_to_sell_himself/
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I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end.

I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afile9/i_spent_half_an_hour_trying_to_take_off_my/
%
My neighbour came at me aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear dissapearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afij26/my_neighbour_came_at_me_aggressively_asking_if_i/
%
How does Moses make his tea?

HE BREWS it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afidg0/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
%
How to fall down the stairs!

Step 1
Step 2
Step 4
Step 6
Step 12
Step 24

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afic0a/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
%
Bark bark, I'm a dog

Meow meow, I'm a cat
Quack quack, I'm a duck
First first, I'm a YouTube commenter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afi9vy/bark_bark_im_a_dog/
%
A commander is having a discussion with his soldiers

C: Smith!
S: YES, SIR!
C: I didn't see you at camouflage practice today.
S: Thank you, sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afi9kx/a_commander_is_having_a_discussion_with_his/
%
There are 3 flies in a jar, one male, two female. One day, one of the female flies decides she wants to get out of the jar. She goes up to the other female fly and says, "Hey, how do you get out of the jar?" The other female fly says, "I don't know, maybe ask him."

So the female fly goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this jar?"
The male fly says, "I can tell you, but you have to fuck me first." And flies....they aren't very smart. So they do it and the male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the jar and fly as fast you can to the top of the jar and Boom, you'll pop right out."
So the female fly does just that. Flies from the bottom of the jar to the top of the jar as fast as she can. SPLAT. Dies.
Later on the surviving female fly decides she wants to get out of the jar. So she goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this jar?"
The male fly says, " I can tell you but you have to fuck me first." And flies....they aren't very smart. So they do it and the male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the jar and fly as fast you can to the top of the jar and Boom, you'll pop right out."
So the female fly does just that. Flies from the bottom of the jar to the top of the jar as fast as she can. SPLAT. Dies.
Then the male fly gets out of the jar.
Now, I'll bet you're wondering, "How did he get out of the jar?"
I can tell you, but you have to fuck me first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afi94z/there_are_3_flies_in_a_jar_one_male_two_female/
%
Pornhub has managed to take over the adult video industry...

And they've done it single-handedly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afi8rn/pornhub_has_managed_to_take_over_the_adult_video/
%
Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

Today the judge gave me life in prison, problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afi86f/went_to_see_the_doctor_last_week_he_gave_me_4/
%
Word of advice: Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afi55g/word_of_advice_never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
20 years later and my wife still gets upset when I use her toothbrush.

So if anyone knows another way to get the dirt out from my sneakers, I'm all ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afi50g/20_years_later_and_my_wife_still_gets_upset_when/
%
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Hell-If-I-know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afi4lh/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_with_a/
%
In a recent interview I was asked how I viewed lesbian relationships.

Apparently “In 4K if it’s available” wasn’t the answer they were looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afi4e9/in_a_recent_interview_i_was_asked_how_i_viewed/
%
Annoying husband

Wife: Ugh, you only hear what you want to hear!
Husband: Sure, I'd love a beer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afi31y/annoying_husband/
%
I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me, “Do you need any help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’ll get whiskey instead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afi0x6/i_was_browsing_in_a_liquor_store_when_an_employee/
%
Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s?

Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afhzcy/did_queen_release_a_hiphop_album_in_the_70s/
%
I thought it would be funny to grab Tyrion Lannister's penis...

...but I was just pulling his leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afhwic/i_thought_it_would_be_funny_to_grab_tyrion/
%
Two cannibals are sitting around a campfire. One says to the other, "I hate my mother-in-law."

The other says, "Then just eat the vegetables."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afhvv4/two_cannibals_are_sitting_around_a_campfire_one/
%
Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…
Questioner: No, no, no!
Me: What?
Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an explanation of where *this particular baby* came from!
Me. Um…OK. Sorry. \*looks confused, starts over\* You see, when a particular mommy loved a particular daddy very much…
Questioner: No, no, *no!*
Me: What?
Questioner: Jesus wasn’t born like regular parents. His mom was a virgin!
Me: Ohhh. Gotcha. Like Romulus and Remus.
Questioner: Who?
Me: The founders of Rome, according to the story. They were supposed to have been fathered by Mars. The god, not the planet.
Questioner: Right, but that’s just a story.
Me: \*raises eyebrows\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afhs63/questioner_can_you_explain_the_birth_of_jesus/
%
A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international.  Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.
"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy.  He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can beat him."
"Got it, coach," says the wrestler.
"One more thing," says the coach.  "He's got this hold called the Pretzel Hold that no one has ever escaped from.  Whatever happens, don't let him get you in the Pretzel Hold cause then it's all over."
"Got it, coach," says the wrestler.  "Stay out of the Pretzel Hold."
The match starts and in five seconds the redneck is in the Pretzel Hold.  A groan goes up from the American spectators and the coach buries his face in his hands, unable to watch.
Suddenly, there's a tremendous yell and a thump from the mat and the crowd bursts into cheers and applause.  The coach looks up and sees the Russian out cold on the mat and the redneck standing over him.  Before he can get up into the ring the crowd rushes in and hoists the redneck into the air, celebrating his victory.
Half an hour later, the coach and the redneck are alone and able to talk.
"What happened out there?" asks the coach.  "I mean, one second you're in the hold, and next thing I know, you've won.  How?"
"Well," says the redneck, "I don't know how he got me in the hold so fast, but once I was in it, I was pretty much unable to move anything but my head.  So, I looked up, and there was a pair of testicles dangling right in front of my face.  So, I did the only thing I could do.  I craned my neck forward and bit fown."
"Ah, so that's how you beat him?" said the coach.
"Not exactly," said the wrestler.  "You'd be surprised how much strength you have when you've just bitten down on your own testicles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afhqd7/a_redneck_wrestler/
%
I take my wife everywhere.

But she always finds her way back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afhemf/i_take_my_wife_everywhere/
%
I’d make a joke about food in front of starving children

But they wouldn’t get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afhao5/id_make_a_joke_about_food_in_front_of_starving/
%
A hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time.

As they get to the deer stand the hunter tells his wife to get in the stand and sit very still and if a deer comes out, shoot it.
The hunter leaves his wife in the stand and starts walking to his stand.  After walking for about five minutes he hears the loud boom of a rifle echoing through the woods from the direction of his wife’s stand.  He thinks, wow!  My wife must have just shot a deer!  So he turns back and heads to her stand.  But when he gets there, he sees his his wife arguing with a game warden.
He hears his wife yelling at the game warden, “get away from my deer!”
The game warden yells back, “look, I already told you, this is not a deer.  I should have you arrested for such negligence with a firearm!”
The hunter’s wife is so pissed at this point that she loads a round into her deer rifle and points it right at the game warden’s face and says, “This is a deer.  I shot it.  It’s my deer.  Now step away or I will blow your head off.”
The game warden slowly puts his hands up as he’s staring down the barrel of her loaded deer rifle.  He then nervously says, “Okay Ma’am.  I was wrong.  I see now that it is a deer.  But before you take it away, can I get my saddle off of it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afh7pi/a_hunter_takes_his_wife_deer_hunting_for_the/
%
Why does jesus hate hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afh3ef/why_does_jesus_hate_hockey/
%
My friends asked where I was...

I said: "I'm currently fucking a jar of peanut butter, but I'll come in a Jiffy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afh2c6/my_friends_asked_where_i_was/
%
A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator

A man gets in the elevator and they’re both checking him out. He gets off at the next floor.
Blonde: He looked good but he had some serious dandruff.
Brunette: yeah, somebody should really give him some Head & Shoulders.
Blonde: good idea, but how do you give shoulders?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afgzjn/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_in_an_elevator/
%
Why was the Chinese CEO unable to leave Canada?

Because somewhere along the road she lost Huawei.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afgzf3/why_was_the_chinese_ceo_unable_to_leave_canada/
%
What did R. Kelly say to the 14 year old?

Urine for a treat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afgwnp/what_did_r_kelly_say_to_the_14_year_old/
%
Women call me ugly occasionally. But that’s only until they hear how much money I make...

Then they say I’m poor and ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afgtu8/women_call_me_ugly_occasionally_but_thats_only/
%
Back in the day, getting a gold star in school sounded like an achievement.

Unless you were in Germany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afgrhb/back_in_the_day_getting_a_gold_star_in_school/
%
Did you hear about the actor who only won an award because of the Italian mafia?

It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afgr86/did_you_hear_about_the_actor_who_only_won_an/
%
Did you hear about the guy who was scheduled to get a brain transplant?

He changed his mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afgnc5/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_was_scheduled_to/
%
What is Donald Trump's least favorite band

Foreigner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afgmll/what_is_donald_trumps_least_favorite_band/
%
What do you call a chinese man's penis?

Caucasian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afghf1/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_mans_penis/
%
A Jew and a Czech while on a trip are attacked by two bears, one male and one female.

The Jew is able to escape; however, the Czech gets eaten by the male bear. Being a good Samaritan the Jew alerts the park ranger that there are two bears on the loose, one of which has eaten his friend. The park ranger then proceeds to kill both of the bears. The Jew asks the park ranger if he can cut the male bear open, so he can retrieve his friend’s remains for a proper burial. The park ranger agrees and goes on to cut open the female bear; the Jew is confused and ask the park ranger why is he cutting the female open when he clearly said his friend is in the male bear. To which, the park ranger responds, “I never trust a Jew that tells me the check’s in the mail!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afgdwa/a_jew_and_a_czech_while_on_a_trip_are_attacked_by/
%
What is Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?

It’s fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afgd77/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
%
A man and his wife are preparing for a party.

The man says to his wife, “Don’t lay the silver spoons on the table!”
Wife: “Do you think our guests will steal them?”
Husband: “No, I’m afraid that they will recognize them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afgcc6/a_man_and_his_wife_are_preparing_for_a_party/
%
Husband doing crossword with wife..

Husband : emphatic no, five letters
&nbsp;
Wife : never
H : pistol, three letters
&nbsp;
W : gun
H : disgust, three letters
&nbsp;
W : ugh
H : charity, four letters
&nbsp;
W : give
H : female sheep, three letters
&nbsp;
W : ewe
H : Pixar movie, two letters
&nbsp;
W : Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afg88j/husband_doing_crossword_with_wife/
%
An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome...

While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.
They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”
After a short pause, she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
“No. I’m Swedish.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afg7li/an_italian_guy_is_out_picking_up_women_in_rome/
%
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Him: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afg5w9/her_if_you_hear_something_in_the_woods_you_tell/
%
What di you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 inches long

A π-thon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afg5i2/what_di_you_call_a_snake_that_is_exactly_314/
%
The teacher called me out in front of the whole class for cheating on the final and took away my A+.

It was degrading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afg329/the_teacher_called_me_out_in_front_of_the_whole/
%
A physicist is sitting next to little Johnny on a plane...

The physicist tells Johnny "I call tell about how all kinds of thing work, including the plane or quantum mechanics".
Johnny says "Alright, why is it when a cow poops it plops into these big patties?"
"I don't know" replies the physicist
"Ok, why do horse turds come out all clumpy and hard?"
The physicist confused says "I don't know that either"
Little Johnny visibly becoming frustrated says "Well why does rabbit poop come out in little balls?"
The physicist asks "What is your fascination with poop? I don't know anything about that."
Little Johnny says "Well if you don't know shit how are you supposed to talk about physics?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/affyw0/a_physicist_is_sitting_next_to_little_johnny_on_a/
%
Going to be a father in April and remembered this classic:

A new machine had come out in the medicine field and a doctor was working with a pregnant couple that wanted to participate in the clinical trials.
"This machine," he says, "once hooked up to the mother will make it so she feels none of the pain, but the father will have to endure all of it."
After plenty of discussion, they go along with it and hook up the soon-to-be mother before she gets induced. All throughout the labor process, the doctor kept asking them both if they felt pain.
"Nothing," says the wife, "I get everything but the pain or pressure."
"I'm not getting anything either," says the husband.  They were both happy and smiling the entire birthing process.
After the baby is born and amongst the celebration, the new father gets a call from their house sitter.  Of course, the father opens asking if everything is alright.
"I think so... I just wanted to call to say the mailman is now lying dead on your porch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/affw51/going_to_be_a_father_in_april_and_remembered_this/
%
from an old book

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at tue bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I presume you have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think that logically speaking, you have a house." "That's right, I do have a house." "Because ypu have a house, I think you have a family." "Yes, I have a family." "And since you have a family, I can logically assume that you have a wife." Yes, I have a wife." "Since ypu have a wife, logically speaking, you must be heterosexual." "That's right," exclaims Jim, who is excited to take his new classes. Jim returns to the bar and talks to Bob. "I'm taking Math, English, History, and Logic. Bob asks, "Logic? What's that?" "Let me give you an example," replies Jim. "Do you own a weed eater?" "No." "Then you're gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/affv69/from_an_old_book/
%
How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese?

Konichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/affuo5/how_do_you_say_sup_dawg_in_japanese/
%
Why do children of recovering alcoholics have such big family reunions?

They have twelve-step-parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/affums/why_do_children_of_recovering_alcoholics_have/
%
My wife asked me if "I was listening to her?!"

Strange way to start a conversation....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/affpzf/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_was_listening_to_her/
%
A man went golfing with a priest.

When he swings for the first time, he knocks the ball to the side.
"Damn," He says, "I missed."
The priest replies, "Please don't swear."
The man agrees, and they keep playing for a while longer, until they come to the third hole. The man is only a few feet away, and he swings, but the ball rolls just to the side of the hole. Again he says, "Damn, I missed."
The priest is frustrated now, so he says again, "I am asking you please not to swear in front of me, I am a man of god."
The man agrees a little longer, and the play for some more time, until they come to the second to last hole. The man winds up, swings, and hits the ball. It flies into a tree, bounces back, and hits him in the face.  "Damn," He says, "I missed."
The priest raises his hands to the sky, and says "God, if this man swears one more time, strike him down."
The man is scared, so he makes sure not to swear. He does a pretty good job all the way up to the last hole and the last shot. When he swings, his brand new golf club flies out of his hands, hits a tree, and breaks into two pieces, one which bounces into the lake, and the other which hit's him in the knee, bruising it.
"Damn," He says, "I missed."
A huge bolt of lightning shoots down from the sky and kills the priest. Then God speaks.  "Damn," He says, "I missed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/affpoh/a_man_went_golfing_with_a_priest/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/affjxd/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
An optimist and a pessimist are both having a terrible day.

The pessimist complains, “this day is horrible, it couldn’t get any worse.”
The optimist hears this and replies, “Oh yes it can.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/affjgw/an_optimist_and_a_pessimist_are_both_having_a/
%
What did the employee say after getting hit by a rental car?

It Hertz!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/affio7/what_did_the_employee_say_after_getting_hit_by_a/
%
What does a redditor being paid by a terrorist say?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/affio3/what_does_a_redditor_being_paid_by_a_terrorist_say/
%
How long does it take to get your blimp license?

A GoodYear or so

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afffrw/how_long_does_it_take_to_get_your_blimp_license/
%
Why couldn't the blind man see his friends?

Because he was married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/affbng/why_couldnt_the_blind_man_see_his_friends/
%
What Do You Do With A Sick Chemist?

If you can’t helium and you can’t curium, then you might as well barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/affbjo/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
%
There was a young climber named Ed...

There was a young climber named Ed
No mountain could fill him with dread
Then he met a big fatty
named Pumpkin-Ass Patty
And he said, "I'll do Everest instead".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/affb66/there_was_a_young_climber_named_ed/
%
It’s going to snow tonight. My wife’s aunt called to tell her she might get 6-8”

I told her it depends on how easy I go on the whiskey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aff9iu/its_going_to_snow_tonight_my_wifes_aunt_called_to/
%
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The  driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them,  and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the  conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So  they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as  Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the  real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in  the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and  thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be  able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by  posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding  their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aff6zu/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
%
How do you stop women from smoking?

Slow down and use more lube.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aff2n4/how_do_you_stop_women_from_smoking/
%
How do you turn a soup into gold

Add 14 carrots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aff0hx/how_do_you_turn_a_soup_into_gold/
%
Did I ever tell you about the Native American orgy?

It was fucking intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afew1l/did_i_ever_tell_you_about_the_native_american_orgy/
%
Remember when air was free and now it costs $1.50? Do you know why?

Inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afes61/remember_when_air_was_free_and_now_it_costs_150/
%
The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a  huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"
A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought  it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .
- I have lost my taste ! Says the lawyer .
- Sister , bring me the medication bottle from the box Nr. 22 , and pour 3 drops in his mouth please.
The lawyer spits out and exclaimed :
- Its gasoline !
- Congratulations ,you have regain your taste back ,that  will be $20 please .
Frustrated , the lawyer pays the medic and starts thinking of a revenge.
He returns the next day :
- I have lost my memory , I can't remember anything .
- Sister,bring me medication bottle from the box Nr. 22 , and pour 3 drops in his mouth please.
The lawyer says :
- No way , there is gasoline in that box .You gave me yesterday .
- Congratulations , you have regain your memory back , that will be $20 please.
Infuriated , the lawyer pays the $20 and comes back the next day to get his money back .
- I have a very bad sight , I can barely see anything .
- unfortunately , we have no cure for that  .Here is your $100 .
Happy , the lawyer takes the hundred dolars , but when he looks at it , to his surprise there were  only $20 .
-  But this is only $20 ! The lawyer says .
- Congratulations , you have regain your sight back , that will be $20 please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afeowt/the_chinese_medic_opens_a_private_clinic/
%
A woman who is playing golf gets stung by a bee.

She rushes into the pro shop and says "I've been stung by a bee! I've been stung by a bee!
The pro say "Where?"
The woman says "Between the first and second hole."
The pro says "Your stance is too wide."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afeodd/a_woman_who_is_playing_golf_gets_stung_by_a_bee/
%
What's a cats favorite colour?

Purrrrrple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afel2y/whats_a_cats_favorite_colour/
%
Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afel1o/police_are_currently_on_the_search_for_a_man_who/
%
I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afekw7/i_hope_that_when_kim_kardashian_goes_to_the_beach/
%
I didn't get the job at the sunscreen company.

They said you can always reapply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afeku9/i_didnt_get_the_job_at_the_sunscreen_company/
%
Women treat me like I'm God.

They act like I'm non-existent and only talk to me when they need something from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afehht/women_treat_me_like_im_god/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7 ?

Because 7 was a six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afefkt/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
I've lost my Husband due to long-term illness...

I went blind 17 years ago, and the bugger still thinks it's funny to hide from me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afebsp/ive_lost_my_husband_due_to_longterm_illness/
%
There was a kidnapping at my school today.

It’s okay they eventually woke him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afe70g/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_my_school_today/
%
Called my friend.

I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you."
Friend: "Ok shoot"
Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"
Friend: "I dunno what?"
Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?
Friend: I dunno what?
*Click*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afe2a0/called_my_friend/
%
How do fish get high ?

Seaweed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afe1wc/how_do_fish_get_high/
%
On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student:

- What are your parents' names?
The student replied:
- My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling.
The teacher said:
- Are you kidding?
The student said:
- No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afdxjp/on_the_first_day_of_school_the_teacher_asked_a/
%
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afdwfk/i_asked_a_pretty_young_homeless_woman_if_i_could/
%
I wanted to buy some bread from a south-Asian bakery

But i didnt get any because they said they had Naan...
I will leave now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afdvci/i_wanted_to_buy_some_bread_from_a_southasian/
%
Q: What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer?

A: Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afdt2q/q_what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
%
Why do women get married in white?

To match the kitchen appliances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afds5h/why_do_women_get_married_in_white/
%
A man digs 3 holes in his backyard...

he steps back and says "Well... well... well..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afdrsv/a_man_digs_3_holes_in_his_backyard/
%
If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 50 said my generation was lazy.

I could finally afford to pay someone for original jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afdoni/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_everytime_someone_over_50/
%
A man takes his family to the courtyard to see a beheading

He arrives, but no one is one the stage besides the guards. A half hour later, the headsman arrived on the stage.
“I’m terribly sorry about the wait. I hope it didn’t cause any of you to lose your heads,” the headsman says, and chuckles a little to himself at his joke.
The beheading proceeds according to plan, and as the man leaves, the jester stops him.
“Good sir, I may ask you a question. I’m thinking of perusing a career in comedy. What did you think of my joke?”
The man thinks for a second, and responds “The timing is was off, but the execution was incredible!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afdn99/a_man_takes_his_family_to_the_courtyard_to_see_a/
%
I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afdn82/i_was_arrested_the_other_day_for_stealing_peoples/
%
I’m never smoking weed with Mexicans again.

I asked who got papers and all of them took off running.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afdlfw/im_never_smoking_weed_with_mexicans_again/
%
Why do minorities hate math?

Because of inequalities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afdj94/why_do_minorities_hate_math/
%
What do you call 20 naked men sitting on top of each other's shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afdgb4/what_do_you_call_20_naked_men_sitting_on_top_of/
%
My Xbox has a BDSM fetish

It gets turned on when I hit it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afdbzg/my_xbox_has_a_bdsm_fetish/
%
What is the difference between a non vaccinated child and a fire ant?

A fire ant can live up to 6 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afdbxj/what_is_the_difference_between_a_non_vaccinated/
%
How do you know if someone’s a vegan?

They’ll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afd9on/how_do_you_know_if_someones_a_vegan/
%
R.I.P boiled water.

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afczer/rip_boiled_water/
%
In Algreba, why is the vertical line test necessary?

You can't function without it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afcxl4/in_algreba_why_is_the_vertical_line_test_necessary/
%
It takes a village to raise a Viking.

It takes a Viking to raze a village.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afcwqd/it_takes_a_village_to_raise_a_viking/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German Bloke are all watching a street performer juggle,

The juggler notices the 4 gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you fellas see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afcnfn/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
What's the best gift for a zen master?

A house, because they like to live in the present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afcm2s/whats_the_best_gift_for_a_zen_master/
%
My grandpa said he was built upside down

He said his nose runs and his feet smell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afclwh/my_grandpa_said_he_was_built_upside_down/
%
My mother's sister is on heavy duty medication for schizophrenia.

I call her Aunty Psychotic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afcl7e/my_mothers_sister_is_on_heavy_duty_medication_for/
%
What does a gynecologist have in common with a census taker?

They both make their living checking boxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afcklc/what_does_a_gynecologist_have_in_common_with_a/
%
I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day...

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afcf4t/i_got_a_dog_from_the_blacksmiths_the_other_day/
%
The New Year's Resolution of an ADHD

AD4K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afcexr/the_new_years_resolution_of_an_adhd/
%
[NSFW] People said that I couldn't masturbate in front of other people. So I told them

Watch me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afcest/nsfw_people_said_that_i_couldnt_masturbate_in/
%
An elderly blind man walks into a bar

And a table, and a stool....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afccwa/an_elderly_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Dying by falling from stairs is just like regular death

But with extra steps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afca41/dying_by_falling_from_stairs_is_just_like_regular/
%
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afc7a4/the_first_computer_dates_back_to_adam_and_eve/
%
Have you ever heard the band 1023MB?

Probably not, they've never made a gig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afc6j4/have_you_ever_heard_the_band_1023mb/
%
Why is spring water always freezing cold?

Because if it were any warmer, it'd be summer water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afbwh5/why_is_spring_water_always_freezing_cold/
%
I read that the Large Magellanic Cloud is going to collide with the Milky Way in 2 billion years.

Maybe the government shutdown will be over by then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afbw6x/i_read_that_the_large_magellanic_cloud_is_going/
%
Why did Thor throw his axe at Thanos's chest, instead of cutting off the hand with the gauntlet?

Because he was going for the kill shot instead of disarming him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afbw2r/why_did_thor_throw_his_axe_at_thanoss_chest/
%
A pick up line for atheists

Did you fall from heaven?
Because your unbelievable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afbspo/a_pick_up_line_for_atheists/
%
Children are like farts..

You can only stand your own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afbnox/children_are_like_farts/
%
What’s the worst part about hooking up with an italian girl.

She’s never impressed with your meat/balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afbj6j/whats_the_worst_part_about_hooking_up_with_an/
%
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Sexual Studies Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting about sexual studies!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my extensive personal experience to share interesting facts about sexuality."
"Really, like what?"
"Well," she explained, "For instance, Native Americans are the most passionate, while Jewish men are the most likely to satisfy a woman fully. And in terms of lasting the longest, surprisingly it's the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Um, Hiawatha. Hiawatha Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afbe3l/a_man_boarded_an_airplane_and_took_his_seat/
%
Is ignorance really bliss?

I'm happy to report I don't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afbcrx/is_ignorance_really_bliss/
%
What does a pulley like the best about its position?

Being the center of a tension.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afb5y5/what_does_a_pulley_like_the_best_about_its/
%
A married couple was laying in bed one night

, when the wife turned to the husband and asks,
"What do you like best about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
The husband turns to her and says,
"I like your sense of humor the best"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afb4qb/a_married_couple_was_laying_in_bed_one_night/
%
My Doctor said I might die because I ate clay.

I am shitting bricks to be honest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afb2uv/my_doctor_said_i_might_die_because_i_ate_clay/
%
I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afb1se/i_consider_myself_to_be_quite_a_pussy_magnet/
%
So my female hot boss came to me..

She said: All you do is work. Dont you like having fun? I replied "Thats why you pay me". She stared at me disappointed. Then she replied: "i have something else in mind. Why dont you come over my house later for dinner? I was shocked. After all im a married man and my wife is a really jealous woman. But the more i looked at her the hotter she was. So i said to my self "fuck it. Its just a dinner with my boss". So i went over her house at night. It was just her and me. She said "let me get more comfortable”. So she left and came back wearing nothing. Absolutely naked. When i saw her i got up immediately and ran straight outside! But when i opened the door i saw my wife clapping and hugging me like crazy saying "Well done love! You passed the test!!!".
Lesson learned: Always  keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afazf1/so_my_female_hot_boss_came_to_me/
%
Why did the T-Rex family business fail?

They couldn't keep up with the orders... They were always short handed!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afapkm/why_did_the_trex_family_business_fail/
%
What do fish like to smoke?

Seaweed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afajeb/what_do_fish_like_to_smoke/
%
I can't stand to see my wife in her workout clothes in the gym, it's embarrassing.

I have no way to hide my erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afafiz/i_cant_stand_to_see_my_wife_in_her_workout/
%
Jungle animals started a softball league...

The teams are separated by species.
A colorful long beaked bird, not sure where to go, asked an old monkey umpire, where his team was playing.
He replied, "Mongoose vs snakes are on field 1, ants vs frogs play on field 2..."
"Quit monkeying around", the bird chuckled, "I just want to know which field I'm on."
"Species puns, huh?" he replied,  "Well toucan play at that game."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afaeqp/jungle_animals_started_a_softball_league/
%
I just finished making a graph of all my past relationships with women

It has an Ex axis and a Why axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afaepk/i_just_finished_making_a_graph_of_all_my_past/
%
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.

"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afabby/a_boy_is_watching_tv_with_his_father_when_a_sex/
%
At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.
At age 60, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afabbg/at_age_4_success_is_not_peeing_in_your_pants_at/
%
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afa8we/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
My doctor said I should start killing people.

His exact words were that I need to reduce stress in my life.  Same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afa5a7/my_doctor_said_i_should_start_killing_people/
%
Want to hear a joke about construction?

Sorry, I'm still working on it
Credit to my 6 yo for this one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/afa370/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_construction/
%
Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af9xfd/whattaya_call_someone_who_seems_to_have_an_almost/
%
John Cena wakes up in a hospital....

John : where am I?
Nurse: ICU
John : no you don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af9wu1/john_cena_wakes_up_in_a_hospital/
%
The president of the US and the prime minster of the UK are going to play a game of setback.

Trump may trump May but May may trump Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af9vja/the_president_of_the_us_and_the_prime_minster_of/
%
Get better soon card for coworker.

I wanted to get my coworker a get better soon card. They are not sick or anything I just think they could get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af9uy8/get_better_soon_card_for_coworker/
%
9/11 jokes...

9/11 jokes are just plane boeing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af9n8b/911_jokes/
%
Doctor, I've got a problem

Me: Every morning at 8 sharp I poop.
Doctor: How is that a problem?
Me: I wake up at 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af9fmw/doctor_ive_got_a_problem/
%
A British doctor says...

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af9c4z/a_british_doctor_says/
%
The red-shirted Captain

There was a treasure ship on its way back to port.  About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt."  The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight.  So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties.  That night, the survivors had a great celebration.  The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate.  If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?"  The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af924v/the_redshirted_captain/
%
What did the executioner do when then prisoner tried to give him a high five.

Left him hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af91dq/what_did_the_executioner_do_when_then_prisoner/
%
Cannibal Fruit Test

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af90mk/cannibal_fruit_test/
%
They asked me what the past participle of think was...

... So I thought, and I thought, and finally said, "thunk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af8ya2/they_asked_me_what_the_past_participle_of_think/
%
There are two types of people in this world.

Those that can make educated guesses based on context.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af8y6k/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
If you google about fish

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But if you google about fish just once, you’ll see advertisements about fishing for the rest of your days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af8px5/if_you_google_about_fish/
%
A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?”

He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af8o4v/a_6_legged_insect_came_up_to_me_and_said_help_my/
%
A liquor store employee asked a customer if he needed any help

''Yes, but I come here instead''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af8muu/a_liquor_store_employee_asked_a_customer_if_he/
%
Why didn't 18th century composer George Frideric Handel go shopping while he lived in London?

Because he was Baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af8lj9/why_didnt_18th_century_composer_george_frideric/
%
Executioner deserves a bonus...

He's been killing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af8lhy/executioner_deserves_a_bonus/
%
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.
At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."
He ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af8kcw/a_trucker_stops_at_a_red_light_and_a_blonde/
%
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"
"I bought it today," he says.
"With what money?" says his mother.
They knew what a new F150 cost.
"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
The father looks at him like he's crazy.
"Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says.
"It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on."
So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.
He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
"Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back."
"Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?"
"Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af8j2j/a_sixteen_yearold_boy_came_home_with_a_brand_new/
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I organized a threesome last night.

There were a couple no-shows but I still had a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af8etn/i_organized_a_threesome_last_night/
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Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Because they had constant arguments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af8cmx/why_did_the_functions_stop_calling_each_other/
%
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

One costs about $1.50 and the other are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af83ic/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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My wife said she'd like to have another baby...

I agreed. The one we have is really starting to annoy me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af7zrk/my_wife_said_shed_like_to_have_another_baby/
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So Europe have the euro....

Why don't Africa have the afro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af7z63/so_europe_have_the_euro/
%
A man is robbing a bank

The bankrobber comes out of the bank and sees a man watching him. He runs to the man and asks him: "Did you just see me come out of that bank?"
The man says yes, and immediatly gets shot by the bankrobber.
He turns around and sees a couple standing there shocked. He runs to them and asks the man of the couple: "Did you just see me come out of that bank?"
The man answers: " I didn't saw you, but my wife did"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af7wnb/a_man_is_robbing_a_bank/
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If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

They become VERY ANGRY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af7tyn/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
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How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af7l21/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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best jokes about Albania, from Romania:

Why the Albanian submarines resurface every 2 minutes? So the rowers can breath.
How do you destroy an Albanian tank? You shot the guy that pushes it.
Why did the Albanians lost the war? The archer was sick.
The Albanians managed to releases on market their fist computer, it's keyboard has 2 buttons: if you pres the first one nothing happens and the second one cancels the command

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af7jqu/best_jokes_about_albania_from_romania/
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To whoever stole my copy office Microsoft Office, I will track you down.

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af7gro/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_office_microsoft_office/
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My family and I went to the zoo. The thing is, there was only 1 animal!

It was a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af7ed1/my_family_and_i_went_to_the_zoo_the_thing_is/
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What did the neckbeard call the children's author who was rubbing his back?

*M'Seuss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af7dzh/what_did_the_neckbeard_call_the_childrens_author/
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Why I'm divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’
I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.
As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.
After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'
And I just sat there ....
on the sofa ....
naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af7drx/why_im_divorced/
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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your butocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af7dnx/does_anyone_know_if_its_possible_to_take_a_skin/
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What noise does a German snake make?

ßßßßßßßßßß

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af7cej/what_noise_does_a_german_snake_make/
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Why do the French like eating snails?

Because they dislike fast food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af757e/why_do_the_french_like_eating_snails/
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A Jimmy Carr Classic

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket.
"Well, Some Assholes got my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af6yue/a_jimmy_carr_classic/
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Why did God invent plumber's crack?

So you don't watch me while I work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af6u8g/why_did_god_invent_plumbers_crack/
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Did you know communist countries have the best bakers in the world?

People will line up for miles just to get a slice of their bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af6scf/did_you_know_communist_countries_have_the_best/
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I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af6rut/i_was_watching_the_weather_on_tv_tonight_and_the/
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If communism doesn't work, why do so many people support it ?

Because they don't work either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af6o2i/if_communism_doesnt_work_why_do_so_many_people/
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I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I had no words to describe how angry I was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af6luu/i_went_to_the_shop_and_bought_a_thesaurus_but/
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2 people walk across a street.

One guy is called Cookie. He is determined to do every good deed he can do, and finish it when he starts.
The other guy is called Candy. He helps cookie with the good deeds, big or small.
Suddenly, Cookie finds a sock on the street. “ look, a sock! We need to get it back to it’s original owner. “
Candy was hoping for a bigger good deed, But nevertheless, he helped Cookie.
They go across everyone in the street to ask if They lost a sock. Cookie asked everyone in the houses, Candy asked everyone on the street with a photo of the sock. But They Didn’t find the owner.
So They go through their city, with a population of 120.000 people, But no one lost a sock there.
They go through every city, until They asked the entire country, wich took 10 years.
Candy wants to give up. “ were gonna die of old are if we continue doing this!” But Cookie is still desperate to return the sock. Suddenly, something comes to the mind of Cookie.
“ there is a legend of the great all-seeing eye on the top of mount Everest. He sees and knows everything! One question may be asked by one person every 100 years, But it Will be worth it. “
Cookie and Candy climb the mountain, But because the all-seeing eye does’nt want to get everyone to ask him when fortnite is going to be released on Android, he set up dangerous things.
They climb through slippery walls, go over a bridge hanging over lava, and fight furious packs of Wolfs...
After a year long climb, They’re finally there. The all-seeing eye.
The all-seeing eye asks: “ Cookie and Candy, What question do you want me to answer “?
Cookie asks: “ Is this your sock? “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af6kuj/2_people_walk_across_a_street/
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I don’t like jokes about circles

They have no point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af6kt7/i_dont_like_jokes_about_circles/
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What do you call someone who is smart compared to horses?

A stable genius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af6i2l/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_smart_compared_to/
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Always watch your luggage when going on vacation

It might get stolen.
At least that was the case with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af6fu4/always_watch_your_luggage_when_going_on_vacation/
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How many babies do you need to paint a wall

Depends how hard you throw them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af6ew8/how_many_babies_do_you_need_to_paint_a_wall/
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Haji comes to the United states

Haji comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.
The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Haji takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes.
Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked! I feel terrific. What was it?"
The doctor replies, "You were homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af6d1z/haji_comes_to_the_united_states/
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Canadian humour

Did you know that Justin Bieber isn't the most famous Canadian Justin. I know it sounds wierd but it's Trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af66ia/canadian_humour/
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A weatherman walks into 1bar...

... and comes under some pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af65kd/a_weatherman_walks_into_1bar/
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A particle goes into a bar with exactly 20 km/h

We don't know where it is anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af64io/a_particle_goes_into_a_bar_with_exactly_20_kmh/
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Everybody is giving up on their New Years resolutions, but I have upped mine!

Only 13 kg to go now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af6220/everybody_is_giving_up_on_their_new_years/
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A man walks the streets of London

He sees a begar with wooden leg and thinks: a criple, classic... But then he sees that he has a tag: Falkland veteran. The men remembers what was that about and tells himself: This man fought for me, when i was lying at home. So he gives the begar ten pounds.
And the begar answers: Gracias senor, gracias.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af61qi/a_man_walks_the_streets_of_london/
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After sticking a bunch of lipstick up my butt, I realized one thing.

Makeup sex is highly overrated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af6125/after_sticking_a_bunch_of_lipstick_up_my_butt_i/
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The creator of the hokey pokey died this week.

It was tough for his friends and family. It was especially tough when laying his body in the coffin. They put his left arm in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af606t/the_creator_of_the_hokey_pokey_died_this_week/
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A woman comes to the priest and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned"

The priest asks what did she do
"I hugged a guy coyld you please tell me how many days in hell that is?"
The priest says" two days"
"Well, we kissed"
The priest says "okay five more days"
"I also let him touch me in some spots"
The priest says"ad 20 more days"
"Well I also  sucked his penis"
The priest  tries to remember how  many days that is but, he fails
"Could you tel me how many is sucking a penis?" the priest asks his priest friend that came to work
"Fifty bucks not a cent less." He answers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af5zl2/a_woman_comes_to_the_priest_and_says_forgive_me/
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A man dies and meets God

God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything."
The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?"
God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle"
The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thought"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af5xea/a_man_dies_and_meets_god/
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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af5ts9/an_american_soldier_serving_in_world_war_ii_had/
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To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af5tcr/to_all_the_android_users_who_just_cant_seem_to/
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My dad likes to play tag.

I'm "it" and haven't been able to find him to tag him for 17 years.
He's an awesome guy and I admire his commitment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af5rvn/my_dad_likes_to_play_tag/
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A rich couple are going to a party out of town

So they tell their butler, Jeeves, that they will be gone all night and he’s to watch the house.
Well the party is all business talk and cigarette smoke so the wife tells her husband she’s going to take a cab ride home.
When she gets home all the lights are out and Jeeves is sitting in a chair in the living room.
She tells Jeeves to follow her upstairs to her bedroom.
She closes the window and drapes and tells Jeeves to take off her dress.
So he takes off her dress.
she says “Take off my stockings”
so he takes them off.
She then says “Take off my bra and panties”
and so he does that
she looks at him and says “If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again you’re fired”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af5pjl/a_rich_couple_are_going_to_a_party_out_of_town/
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A police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

The Catholic priests, looking at each other, say "We’ll do it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af5o0n/a_police_officer_pulls_over_2_catholic_priests/
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I made my girlfriend sign a consent form before we had sex.

It was a big deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af5nal/i_made_my_girlfriend_sign_a_consent_form_before/
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How do you fit 4 gay guys on a stool?

You turn the stool upside down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af5m3b/how_do_you_fit_4_gay_guys_on_a_stool/
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A man in the supermarket reminded me of Michael Jackson today.

He said, “Don’t forget about Michael Jackson”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af5lpu/a_man_in_the_supermarket_reminded_me_of_michael/
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I don’t know why people are so worked up about gender neutral bathrooms.

It’s like they’ve never heard of public pools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af5kon/i_dont_know_why_people_are_so_worked_up_about/
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Cletus takes out a loan for a new truck.

He keeps up with the payments, and everything seems to be going well, when suddenly the bank repossesses it without warning.
He decides to go to the police, and it turns out he's not the only person who's been ripped off by this particular bank.
After talking to the police chief, it's revealed they've been working on a plan to catch these crooks, but they need a civilian volunteer to go undercover.
The hillbilly offers his services, but the chief is hesitant.
"Are you sure? This could be dangerous. Is there anything we can do to help you out?."
Cletus thinks long and hard about it, and decides.
"Well, if something were to happen to me I'd want my Ma to be happy, so if you can get her a brand new Cadillac like she's always wanted, I suppose that'd do."
The chief agrees, and they set to work.
A few days later, Cletus's Ma is called to the hospital. He had done his job perfectly, and the police caught the bad guys, but one of the crooked bankers ended up shooting the poor boy.
She rushed to his bedside. "WHYYYY?! MY POOR BABY WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO IT?!"
"Because," coughed Cletus, "Repo sting gets you good car, Ma!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af5hpk/cletus_takes_out_a_loan_for_a_new_truck/
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Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af5fnf/q_with_britain_leaving_eu_soon_how_much_space/
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What is Jesus‘s favorite sport

La cross

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af5adj/what_is_jesuss_favorite_sport/
%
Closing time at the bar.

So it was closing time at the bar, and there was a cop sitting across the street picking his mark. A few were stumbling, but one guy in particular was leaning on a wall while slowly making his way to his car.
Falling over, crawling a bit, but eventually made it to his car. The cop almost went over to help because he was afraid he was gonna kill himself getting to his car as all the other patrons were leaving or gone.
Finally getting to his car the man tried to use a lighter, his cell phone and even his wallet to unlock the car. During this time everyone else had left. Finally after dropping his keys three times he got in, and started it up.
The cop instantly turned on his sirens, and pulled the man over before he could get it out of park. The officer asked the man to get out where he administered every test in the book and to the cops surprise he passed with flying colors. That is until the cop pulled out the breathalyzer.
"One last test" the officer said as he administered the breathalyzer. The man blew a 0.00, twice. The cop was shocked the man was barely able to function earlier.
"So what's going on?" asked the officer.
"I got DD duty" the man said
"Then why are you walking like a drunken highschooler instead of driving your buddies hom" asked the cop
"There was more than twenty people, so I decided designated decoy was the better option, amd it looks like it worked." The man said with a smirk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af57iz/closing_time_at_the_bar/
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What did the Chinese kid name his pet lion?

Ryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af54yr/what_did_the_chinese_kid_name_his_pet_lion/
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You know you’re getting old when

You walk by a couple of priests and they don’t even look your way anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af539d/you_know_youre_getting_old_when/
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This dog walks into a post office and says to the Postmaster

"I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The dog says "I need it to say, Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof." The Postmaster counts the words and says "Well, for the same price, I can put 3 more "woofs" in for you."
The dog looks at him and says "But then it wouldn't make any sense."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af4wuu/this_dog_walks_into_a_post_office_and_says_to_the/
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It’s official this government shutdown is now longest ever

I guess president Trump is really best at something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af4tq2/its_official_this_government_shutdown_is_now/
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My roommate just yelled at me for always peeing into the shower.

It’s not fair, I don’t even know he’s in there half the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af4sq9/my_roommate_just_yelled_at_me_for_always_peeing/
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A Priest, a Preacher, and a Televangelist...

A Priest, a Preacher, and a televangelist were sitting around discussing how they divide the take from each collection.
The Priest said, "What I do is draw a line down the center of the room and then throw the money up in the air. Whatever lands on the left is God's, whatever lands on the right is mine."
The Preacher said, "Well I do almost the same thing only I draw a circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is mine and the rest belongs to God."
The televangelist says, "No, you both are doing it wrong. I take the money and throw it up in the air. Then whatever God catches, He can keep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af4r5k/a_priest_a_preacher_and_a_televangelist/
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Two knights where battling when one of them got both of their feet cut off

He was defeated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af4khz/two_knights_where_battling_when_one_of_them_got/
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What does a guy with two left feet wears to the beach?

Flip flips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af4k9q/what_does_a_guy_with_two_left_feet_wears_to_the/
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Did you know? In Alabama...

It's legal to sleep with your teacher? Only if you're homeschooled though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af4jfh/did_you_know_in_alabama/
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TICKET AGENT: "And will this be round trip?"

FLAT EARTHER: "Here we go again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af4ins/ticket_agent_and_will_this_be_round_trip/
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An engineer threw a party for all of his friends.

During the party, someone realized that the big lottery drawing was that night. Since they were low on beer, they decided to all come up with their lottery numbers and buy their tickets during the beer run.
The programmer created an interactive program, complete with simulated announcer reading each lottery number. He used the output to choose his numbers.
The chemist estimated the atomic weight of each lottery ball (since the amount of paint makes a difference) and combined it with the estimated mixing rate of a typical lottery machine.
The physicist painted numbers on ping pong balls and dropped them into cups to choose the numbers.
The statistician applied a sliding window regressive time series to the history of previous drawings. He saw a pattern and used it to identify the most likely numbers.
And the engineer chose his dog's age, belt size, and other arbitrary numbers that held sentimental meanings to him.
They got the beer and lottery tickets, and then watched the drawing.
"15" said the announcer. Around the room, everyone reacted: Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Yes!
"28" was the next number. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Yes!
"46!" Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Yes!
and so on.
At the end, they compared results.
The programmer decided that there must be a bug in his code, because he didn't match any numbers.
The chemist also matches nothing, and decided it was due to the residual heat from the studio lighting.
The physicist matched one number, but thought it might be dumb luck.
The engineer managed to match 2 numbers, but it wasn't enough to win anything.
And then they all looked at the statistician who was grinning like the Cheshire cat.
"So how did you do," asked the engineer?
The statistician beamed. "I was well within the standard deviation!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af4f5f/an_engineer_threw_a_party_for_all_of_his_friends/
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I like political jokes

unless they get elected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af4cfs/i_like_political_jokes/
%
My Penguins

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.
“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af4c4d/my_penguins/
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Three logicians walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, would you all like beer?
The first one says, um… I don’t know.
The second says, um… I don’t know.
The third one immediately says yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af47zg/three_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why do you never invite French milk to a party?

Its always Lait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af45x4/why_do_you_never_invite_french_milk_to_a_party/
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you drink with that thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af42ff/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
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A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana...

As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af41df/a_husband_and_wife_were_driving_through_louisiana/
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Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do.

Just look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he couldn’t be a mucisian, but did he listen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af3yw0/never_let_anyone_tell_you_what_you_can_or_cannot/
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A little boy was in a bus eating candy, and he kept going at it until...

A man next to him said,
"Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth?!"
The boy replied,
"My grandfather lived for 132 years."
The man asked ,
"Was it because he ate candy?"
The boy replied,
"No, he was always minding his own business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af3w46/a_little_boy_was_in_a_bus_eating_candy_and_he/
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Carpe Diem is a great motto and all...

but if you seize everyday, you probably have epilepsy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af3syn/carpe_diem_is_a_great_motto_and_all/
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There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk.

When the bar closes he gets up to go home.
He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door.
As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by.
He stumbles over to her and punches her in the face.
The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her again.
This time the nun hits the pavement.
The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her, then picks her up and throws her against the wall.
By now the nun is very weak and can barely move.
He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, "Not feeling too STRONG tonight, are you? Shit, I thought you would be tougher, Batman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af3rid/there_is_man_sitting_in_a_bar_who_is_really/
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“Boredom” is just an anagram of “Bedroom”.

My wife just informed me of that fact while we were having sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af3q0h/boredom_is_just_an_anagram_of_bedroom/
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I dated a midget once

I was nuts over her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af3pjn/i_dated_a_midget_once/
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What should you do with 365 used rubbers?

Melt ‘em into a tire and call it a GoodYear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af3p5n/what_should_you_do_with_365_used_rubbers/
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If I had a dollar....

If I had a dollar for everytime a woman found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af3loq/if_i_had_a_dollar/
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I got into an accident and a beautiful girl helped out

While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my two wheeler and  landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked  "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up.
She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place that is only few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine to confirm that you are not hurt.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come on, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examining me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her,  "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right?"
"Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af3dh8/i_got_into_an_accident_and_a_beautiful_girl/
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My wife found my hard sock in the laundry.

She winked at me and said "Have you been using cornstarch?"
I said "No, it's just my Johnson's baby powder."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af3dfv/my_wife_found_my_hard_sock_in_the_laundry/
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What does Donald Trump call two kayaks?

Fake canoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af3d4c/what_does_donald_trump_call_two_kayaks/
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What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in Common?

...It's legal to get stoned!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af3cxl/what_do_saudi_arabia_and_canada_have_in_common/
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Carrying an instrument in public is like having a dog

Everyone wants to know what kind it is, and they think it’s really cool until it starts making noise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af3bno/carrying_an_instrument_in_public_is_like_having_a/
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I finally learned how coin minting machines work

It all makes cents now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af3agt/i_finally_learned_how_coin_minting_machines_work/
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Weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af39o4/weight_loss_program/
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Why are there two "d"s in reddit?

The second ones is a repost
^^^^like ^^^^this ^^^^joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af37nh/why_are_there_two_ds_in_reddit/
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Are you on the Mediterranean Diet?

Because I see a lot turkey and grease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af36c3/are_you_on_the_mediterranean_diet/
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A coke user waits in line for a bar.

That’s the joke. Thought it was a good line, I bet it made you snort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af30rf/a_coke_user_waits_in_line_for_a_bar/
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What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly squats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af2ugl/what_kind_of_exercise_do_lazy_people_do/
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What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money?

Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af2pou/what_did_the_carrot_say_to_the_cucumber_that_owed/
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Anger Management: It Really Works!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Rick. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?” Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear, “Get the right fucking number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word “asshole” next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an ass!” It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!” and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?” He said, “Yes, it is.” I then asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?” He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house, and the car’s parked right out in front.” I asked, “What’s your name?” He said, “My name is Don Hansen.” I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” He said, “I’m home every evening after five.” I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” He said, “Yes?” I said, “Don, you’re an asshole!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea… I called asshole #1. He said, “Hello.” I said, “You’re an asshole!” but I didn’t hang up. He asked, “Are you still there?” I said, “Yeah!” He screamed, “Stop calling me!” I said, “Make me.” He asked, “Who are you?” I said, “My name is Don Hansen.” He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?” I said, “asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.” He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole” and hung up.
Then I called asshole #2. He said, “Hello?” I said, “Hello, asshole.” He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…” I said, “You’ll what?” He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass!” I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch the two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af2h19/anger_management_it_really_works/
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Use a condom! That's a Life Pro Tip.

Or don't use a condom. That's a Pro-life Tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af2gnb/use_a_condom_thats_a_life_pro_tip/
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A clickbait journalist is fed up with his life..

and needs some answers to the big questions.
He sets off on a pilgrimage to to meet a famous Zen guru.
After miles of climbing, he arrives at a temple atop a mountain, where the guru's assistant greets him.
"Welcome," says the assistant. "The guru is happy to meet you, but you may only ask him one question per lifetime."
The clickbait journalist thanks him and replies, "Well then I shall be extremely careful with my words, asking only the most direct and important question."
"That's wise," replies the assistant. "Just know that Zen masters are men of few words, and they love to use thought provoking phrases that tease out the truth, rather than giving long explanations."
"Great," replies the clickbait journalist. "I use words to make my living, and I know how to ask the right questions."
He walks into the guru's room and finds him meditating on a small mat.
"Excuse me, guru, I must know one thing," starts the clickbait journalist. "What happens after we die?"
The guru opens his eyes, surveys the man, and finally says to him,
"This is a difficult question, but I shall put it in terms that you will understand."
The clickbait journalist beams and replies, "Go on, then.. I must know what happens in the afterlife!"
The guru flashes him a slight smile and proclaims, "You'll never guess what happens next."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af2eem/a_clickbait_journalist_is_fed_up_with_his_life/
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What do you call it when a redneck can dunk?

Hick Ups

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af2dac/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_redneck_can_dunk/
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All my other family members are wealthy and successful. In order to stand out, I decided to become a panhandler instead.

I beg to differ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af282b/all_my_other_family_members_are_wealthy_and/
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If the owner of Tesla were to make a cologne, what would he call it?

Elon’s Musk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af26zq/if_the_owner_of_tesla_were_to_make_a_cologne_what/
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A local church is holding auditions for a new bell ringer.

A line of applicants soon forms and the Reverend decides to test how well each can do the job.
After several people give it a go, one simple looking man caught the Reverend's attention by slamming his face into the church bell to make it sound.
"My friend that was impressive" says the Reverend. "But I'm afraid you do not understand, you will have to repeat that every hour on the hour, 9 times for 9 o'clock, 12 for noon and so on, I fear this may harm you"
"Nonsense!" Says the man. "I need this job, watch! I'll demonstrate 12 bells right now!" And begins throwing himself headfirst at the massive bell.
Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!
But alas from the repeated blows he miscalculated the timing on the last one and misses, falling down the tall bell tower and fatally striking the ground.
The Reverend rushes down to the street and screams to the nearby onlookers
"Oh dear lord no! Does anyone know this man!"
"No." replies a nearby villager.
"But his face sure rings a bell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af26nm/a_local_church_is_holding_auditions_for_a_new/
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The creator of mad libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af25z1/the_creator_of_mad_libs_died_this_week/
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I was crying in the English class when my friend came over.

Him : What's wrong man?
Me : I'm so bad at grammar! I keep failing all my tests.
Him : Their, they're, there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af23xv/i_was_crying_in_the_english_class_when_my_friend/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1wi7/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1w3n/a_young_woman_was_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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My town is holding their annual incest competition...

...I entered my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1vc8/my_town_is_holding_their_annual_incest_competition/
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Told a German exchange student about the American Dream.

Afterward I asked if him if Germans had a dream like that. He said "We used to but nobody liked it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1t8p/told_a_german_exchange_student_about_the_american/
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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
"Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1s43/a_man_goes_to_confession_and_says_forgive_me/
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My go-to joke...

500 bricks on a plane and one falls out, how many are left ?
499.
How do you put an elephant in the fridge ?
Open the door, put in the elephant, clse the door.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge ?
Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
The lion king is having a party and all the animals are invited. They all attend except for one, which one ?
The giraffe
An adventurer is walking through the jungle and comes across a river notorious for being infested with bloodthirsty alligators. They decide to cross, and emerge on the other side completely unharmed. How can this be ?
The alligators were at the lion king's party.
The adventurer emerges unharmed from the river, and is instantly killed. By what ?
The Brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1rl1/my_goto_joke/
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What does a flat-earther do with a ball?

He plays Frisbee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1pnv/what_does_a_flatearther_do_with_a_ball/
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Trump’s wall is like his approval ratings

They’re both never going up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1o7s/trumps_wall_is_like_his_approval_ratings/
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A priest dies and goes to heaven.

At the gate St. Peter gives him a small silver harp and says “Congratulations! You made it.”  The priest heads on in and sees a cabbie with a giant gold harp. Outraged he goes to St. Peter and is like “What the fuck dude?! I’m a priest and I’ve only got this dinky silver harp? Why’s that cabbie get a giant gold harp?”  St. Peter responds “Here in heaven we care about results. You preached and people slept, he drove and people prayed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1o38/a_priest_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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After long consideration, my wife and I have decided we do not want to have children.

If anybody here does want children, just leave your contact info and we'll drop them off tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1mfi/after_long_consideration_my_wife_and_i_have/
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillopp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1ltq/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
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My wife told me if I don't improve my marksmanship, she's leaving

I'm gonna miss her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1kct/my_wife_told_me_if_i_dont_improve_my_marksmanship/
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I don’t like jokes about cars

They’re simply exhausting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1jt9/i_dont_like_jokes_about_cars/
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I almost hit a rabbit...

I had to cross two lanes to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1iad/i_almost_hit_a_rabbit/
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I hate jokes about canned meat

They’re mostly spam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1fvc/i_hate_jokes_about_canned_meat/
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It was a golden era when there was no internet

In those days, only your family and friends knew how stupid you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1cea/it_was_a_golden_era_when_there_was_no_internet/
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How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I've no idea how TF they got in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1bw5/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What do you call a frog from mixed ethnicity?

A Tad-polish
(Don't know if repost not trying to be)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1b8t/what_do_you_call_a_frog_from_mixed_ethnicity/
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I recently did a captcha test...

in which I needed to identify photos with road signs in them, to prove that I'm **NOT** a robot.
No wonder self-driving cars are so dangerous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af1ati/i_recently_did_a_captcha_test/
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I hate when people say, "obesity runs in my family"

Bullshit! No one runs in your family!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af0x2l/i_hate_when_people_say_obesity_runs_in_my_family/
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I don't know why Jeff Bezos is getting divorced.

I guess she's just past her Prime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af0ssk/i_dont_know_why_jeff_bezos_is_getting_divorced/
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They say "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life".

I went in drunk as fuck and they fired me on the spot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af0s7q/they_say_do_what_you_love_and_youll_never_work_a/
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A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af0j20/a_programmer_was_arrested_for_writing_unreadable/
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My friend bought me a really ugly calculator for Christmas.

But I suppose you have to remember, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af0b3m/my_friend_bought_me_a_really_ugly_calculator_for/
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My friend doesn't know why his mom blushes when I call her "Margarine"

I call her that because she spreads easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af067p/my_friend_doesnt_know_why_his_mom_blushes_when_i/
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You know what’s the worst thing about being a window

Everyone just looks through you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af054r/you_know_whats_the_worst_thing_about_being_a/
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I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af04zm/i_accidentally_swallowed_a_bunch_of_scrabble_tiles/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gag
My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af02z4/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/af02s2/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_daily_sex/
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A fast food worker was stocking utensils when he ran out.

He went back to the manager and asked if she could order more.
"We don't need anything," said the manager.
"Okay, but...that's the last straw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeztzw/a_fast_food_worker_was_stocking_utensils_when_he/
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I just bought my co-worker a 'get better soon card'.

He's not sick, I just think he could really do better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aezpho/i_just_bought_my_coworker_a_get_better_soon_card/
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A man goes to his doctor complaining “My tweets on Twitter aren’t popular!”

Then the doc said, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aezmdv/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor_complaining_my_tweets_on/
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My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aezjmd/my_father_always_told_me_if_you_are_not_the_best/
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I went to a bar for my friends birthday

We stepped into a bar after a late showing of the Aqua-Man movie to have a few drinks. Seeing how it was my friend's birthday I decided to order the first round. The waitress comes to our table and I ask for the special. The waitress gave us some beer options and a promotional drink called the Aqua-Man. Seeing how we just saw the film I decided to order it. But first I needed to know what it was. The waitress said it was a watered down mimosa with a twist. Thinking that's pretty clever I order 6. The waitress takes the order and goes back to the bar. We waited there for 30 min without getting our drinks and were starting to get pretty annoyed. The waitress walked by and I asked her why it's taking so long for six drinks? She apologized, and said it would be at least another 30 mins. Outraged we asked why would six drinks take an hour to make? She sighed and said there's only one guy working tonight and one guy can only make so much seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aezi1k/i_went_to_a_bar_for_my_friends_birthday/
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How are a dog and a tree similar?

They both lose their bark when they’re dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aezfsw/how_are_a_dog_and_a_tree_similar/
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Soviet Russia

A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't – I just gave someone ten years for it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aezfkg/soviet_russia/
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A man enters the hospital for a circumcision...

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he wakes up after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”
“What!” gasps the patient, “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”
“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him, “just not yours.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aezeh6/a_man_enters_the_hospital_for_a_circumcision/
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I was asked if I had a favorite kid.

I mean this is ridiculous! How can I favor one kid? I love both Jack and not Jack equally!
(an old joke I remembered, not mine)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeze9o/i_was_asked_if_i_had_a_favorite_kid/
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Two doctors are arguing in a hospital corridor.

The first doctor says “I’m telling you, it’s spelled W-U-M-B”
The second replies, angrily “Of course it isn’t, you fool, it’s W-O-U-M-B!”
A senior nurse, with years of experience, appalled by what she’s hearing, hurries over to put a stop to the shouting match in progress.
“Doctors”, she says, “your behaviour is unacceptable! You have years of training and experience between you, publicly arguing in this way does nothing but demean you both. I expect better from you, clearly it is spelled W-O-M-B”.
The first doctor peers over his glasses at the nurse. Haughtily he retorts “Madam, I doubt you have ever even seen a buffalo, never mind heard one fart underwater”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aezcmh/two_doctors_are_arguing_in_a_hospital_corridor/
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I had an anti-vaxx friend once.

He threw the best birthday party ever. It was ambulance themed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aez68r/i_had_an_antivaxx_friend_once/
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My budgie flew out of it's cage a few months ago and started fucking the dog...

... I got some puppies going cheep if anyones interested?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aez379/my_budgie_flew_out_of_its_cage_a_few_months_ago/
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Yo mama so fat

her foot doesn't hurt when she steps on a Lego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aez1fq/yo_mama_so_fat/
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Jeff Bezos has announced that he will start paying a living wage

Or as his lawyer called it,"alimony."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeywsl/jeff_bezos_has_announced_that_he_will_start/
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King George was only 11 inches tall...

...so he was unfit to be a ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeyue1/king_george_was_only_11_inches_tall/
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A Russian and an American are debating whose country is superior

“My country is superior,” the American said, “because if I want to, I can go into the oval office, pound on the desk and say, ‘Mr President, I don’t like the way you’re running this country!’”
“Well I can do that too” replies the Russian
“Really?”
“Absolutely.” The Russian continued. “I can go to Moscow, look the General Secretary in the eyes and tell him that I don’t like the way the American president is running his country!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeypq0/a_russian_and_an_american_are_debating_whose/
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My ex-girlfriend said I’m unattractive, when I look the same as when we dated.

I’ve determined that this could be due to one of three possibilities.
1. She’s lying to bum me out.
2. She willingly dates people she doesn’t find attractive.
3. She got a new optometrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeyjb9/my_exgirlfriend_said_im_unattractive_when_i_look/
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Why did Philip Zimbardo prematurely end his infamous prison experiment?

His girlfriend put her foot down and said “I can’t Stanford this.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeyilk/why_did_philip_zimbardo_prematurely_end_his/
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Why can't dyslexic people tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuck line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeydv1/why_cant_dyslexic_people_tell_jokes/
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There are two types of people in this world:

People who can extrapolate missing information from context

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeyde1/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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How can you tell if R. Kelly is actually an ass man?

Because 14 year olds don't have fully developed breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeycum/how_can_you_tell_if_r_kelly_is_actually_an_ass_man/
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it

I think I managed to cover my tracks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeyaxe/i_was_really_embarrassed_when_my_wife_caught_me/
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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aey6fe/its_strange_to_see_christians_advocating/
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Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aey64d/today_one_of_my_friends_told_me_i_often_make/
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An Oklahoma man decides to take a vacation down to mexico.

He figures he'll drive down through Texas.  Halfway through Texas he notices his gas tank is getting pretty low and pulls off for the next truck stop. He gets off the highway and it's the biggest truck stop he's ever seen 50 pumps, a full motel, a diner. The works.
He goes in and asks the attendant for $30 on pump 47. He then says to the attendant "this is the biggest truckstop i've ever seen!" The attendant replies " everything's bigger in Texas!"
After filling his tank he decided to grab a bite to eat at the diner. He sits down orders his food and the waitress brings back a huge heaping plate of food. He exclaims "I've never seen so much food on one plate!" The waitress answers "everything's bigger in Texas honey".
After he finishes his meal he asks her where the restroom is. She tells him "down that hall there, second door on the left past the pool" he walks down the hall takes the first door on the left and walks straight into the pool. He gasps for air and starts screaming Don't flush! Don't flush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aey3iv/an_oklahoma_man_decides_to_take_a_vacation_down/
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Years ago, I threw a boomerang

It never came back and now I live each day in constant fear...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aey302/years_ago_i_threw_a_boomerang/
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What two things never get old?

Making fun of anti-vaxxers, and their kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aey088/what_two_things_never_get_old/
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An old Soviet joke I found on Wikipedia slightly adapted by me.

A frightened man runs into the KGB offices. “My talking parrot has disappeared!” He yells at the receptionist. “That’s not the type of case we handle, go to the criminal police” she responds. “I know that,” he stammers “I just wanted to tell you officially that I disagree with everything the parrot says!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aexzwk/an_old_soviet_joke_i_found_on_wikipedia_slightly/
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Questions

Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"
Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aexyus/questions/
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An old woman decides to commit suicide

She has kids who dont call her, she is a widow, and she cant do anything by herself anymore. So she decides to go see her doctor and asks him what is the best place to shoot herself to die instantly . The doctor reluctantly responds: " slightly to the left of your breast". So she goes back home and takes out her revolver, points it slightly to the left of her breast and pulls the trigger. The next day the police are on the scene. One officer ask the other as to what happened. The other officer responds: : "it appears as if the victim shot herself in the knee"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aexy5c/an_old_woman_decides_to_commit_suicide/
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Trump's favorite movie?

Wall-e

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aexjx2/trumps_favorite_movie/
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What did the chemist say when he found 2 new isotopes of Helium ?

HeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aexggw/what_did_the_chemist_say_when_he_found_2_new/
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A man takes his door to the carpenters shop

Man: Hey can you fix my front door for me?
Carpenter: Sure, but what about your house, what if a burglar gets in?
Man: Hah! Impossible! How can he get in if I’ve got the door right here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aexffw/a_man_takes_his_door_to_the_carpenters_shop/
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In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes.

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first.
"Was it a political or common crime?"
"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aexd7h/in_a_prison_two_inmates_are_comparing_notes/
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Scientists may have discovered a method to extract gold from human waste.

Im not sure myself, Ill have to see how this shit pans out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aexb5v/scientists_may_have_discovered_a_method_to/
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An antivaxxer walks into a store selling brain cells..

There were a wide variety on display
Doctor's brain -$100
Engineer's brain -$125
Normal brain - $75
Anti vaxxer's's brain- $1000
he was quite amused and asked the shop keeper.. "So how come antivaxxer's brain is worth so much?". The shopkeeper replied "because I had to crackup 100 of those bastard's heads to get this much brain cells"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aex9lq/an_antivaxxer_walks_into_a_store_selling_brain/
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A man and a woman are about to have intercourse

Woman: Do you have protection
Man: Yes, I spend $2.99 on my monthly NordVPN subscription

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aex72j/a_man_and_a_woman_are_about_to_have_intercourse/
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What do noodles say after their prayers?

Ramen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aex70s/what_do_noodles_say_after_their_prayers/
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So I’m about to go to prom with the girl of my dreams.

On the day before the dance I went to the flower store to buy her flowers. The line getting into the store was sooooo long, but I waited to get flowers anyway.
Later that day I went to the limo rental store to rent a limousine for the dance. The line getting into the store was soooooo long, but I waited to rent the limo anyway.
Once we arrived at the dance, the line getting into the school was sooooooo long, but since we  were already there we decided to wait it out.
Once inside I asked if she wanted a drink. She said yes, so I started my way towards the punch.
And to my surprise, there wasn’t a punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aex6yt/so_im_about_to_go_to_prom_with_the_girl_of_my/
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How do you get an art major off your front porch?

PAY FOR THE PIZZA!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aex5z6/how_do_you_get_an_art_major_off_your_front_porch/
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So the Doctor hands me the Baby and tells me my wife didn't make it.

So I politely return the Baby and ask for the one my wife made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aex4nc/so_the_doctor_hands_me_the_baby_and_tells_me_my/
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What kind of trees are Trump supporters?

Walnuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aex409/what_kind_of_trees_are_trump_supporters/
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A cabbie picks up a nun.

The cab driver stares at her. She asks him why he’s staring & he says ”I’ve always had a fantasy to kiss a nun.” She says, “I’ll kiss you if you’re single & catholic.” The Cab driver says, “I’m both!” The nun says, “pull into an alley.” The nun then kisses him in a way that would make a hooker blush. Back in the cab though, the driver starts crying. “I lied. I’m married & Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin & I’m going to a Hallowe’en party.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aex3sz/a_cabbie_picks_up_a_nun/
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My friend has a successful company where he weighs big objects

He's doing business on a large scale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aex0zy/my_friend_has_a_successful_company_where_he/
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ELI5: Is human cloning possible?

SCIENTIST: Eli, I have 4 people I’d like you to meet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aex03m/eli5_is_human_cloning_possible/
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What do dwarfs and midgets have in common?

Very Little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewza4/what_do_dwarfs_and_midgets_have_in_common/
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We had a history exam on medieval defense methods

I got an A for a fort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewyxx/we_had_a_history_exam_on_medieval_defense_methods/
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3 Men tragically died in a car crash

When they go to heaven they appear in front of Father Joseph who then says
“None of you were meant to die.. and because I cannot send you back to earth as your families have already mourned.. you may choose what you would like to become before you are sent back.”
The first man went to the edge of the cloud and before he jumped yelled “Lawyer!”. He ended up with a partnership with a wealthy law firm, and a family with money, he didn’t remember anything before that.
The second man went to the edge of the cloud and before he jumped yelled “Doctor!”. He ended up being a world renowned doctor with a perfect family and incredible job, he too didn’t remember anything before that.
The third man was very excited. He took off running and right before he got to the edge of the cloud he stubbed his toe and yelled “Cock sucker!!”. He then fell off the cloud. He’s now a priest in a small town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewyin/3_men_tragically_died_in_a_car_crash/
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Robin: "Batman, this is Robin"

Robin: "I'm calling on the batphone, from the batcave. The batmobile won't start!"
Batman: "Have you checked the battery?"
Robin: "what's a tery?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewrbj/robin_batman_this_is_robin/
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A kid comes home from school with a small trophy

Kid: Dad! Dad! I won the Airplane award at school!
Dad: Oh? What's that?
Kid: It's a big building with a lot of kids in it, but that's not important right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewpag/a_kid_comes_home_from_school_with_a_small_trophy/
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Want to hear a joke about Jehovah's Witnesses?

Knock knock....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewou2/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_jehovahs_witnesses/
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A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school

Don’t worry, no one got hurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewjdz/a_classmate_dressed_up_as_a_storm_trooper_for/
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Farted on the bus today and four people turned around....

Felt like I was on The Voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewjai/farted_on_the_bus_today_and_four_people_turned/
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Math is like a box of chocolates

It's better to use your fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewj1l/math_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Dark humor is like anal sex...

Just relax a little and everything will be fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewi2r/dark_humor_is_like_anal_sex/
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Jeff Bezos is getting divorced

He must have realised that marriage counted as a union

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewg7e/jeff_bezos_is_getting_divorced/
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Who's the most famous blacksmith of all time?

Will Smith

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewg28/whos_the_most_famous_blacksmith_of_all_time/
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I just yelled"F,YOU GUYS!" at my students

God, I love being a music teacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewdi3/i_just_yelledfyou_guys_at_my_students/
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Did you know there's not a single canary on the Canary Islands? Its true. Same as the Virgin Islands.

Not one canary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewd6z/did_you_know_theres_not_a_single_canary_on_the/
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An American Major arrives at an isolated military base...

... He is quizzing a private.
"Where is the lieutenant?"
"Sir there is no lieutenant assigned to this post."
"I was told there was".
"No there isn't".
"I'm quite sure there is".
The soldier thinks for a moment and says, "Well Major. Allow me to ask a question. Perhaps you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
"That's 'rile' then".
"Yeah, and suppose you removed the 'f' from the word 'draft', what would that be?"
"It'll become 'drat'", replies the major, amused.
"Now finally, what if you remove the letter 'f' from the word 'Lieutenant'?"
The major shrugs, "There is no 'f' in Lieutenant".
“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewb8j/an_american_major_arrives_at_an_isolated_military/
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Who's the most famous blacksmith of all time?

Will Smith

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewawb/whos_the_most_famous_blacksmith_of_all_time/
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What do you call a father that neglects his child?

Beats me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aewa5k/what_do_you_call_a_father_that_neglects_his_child/
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Two priests are in the shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells:
"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aew8fb/two_priests_are_in_the_shower/
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Anyone here want to be friends with me?

Asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aew7e2/anyone_here_want_to_be_friends_with_me/
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A girl was failing all her classes in college.

Deciding to try to use her looks to get ahead and get better grades she visited each of her male professors. She had three.
She visited the first one. After flirting a bit and getting some good reaction she decided to flash him. He seemed happy and liked them. Confident that he would raise her grade now she returned to her dorm and waited. No change in grade.
So she decided to try again. She went to her second professor, flirted, then ended up flashing again. This time she asked him if he will raise her grade. He said no and she left.
She went to the third professor and flirted then flashed him too. He seemed unimpressed. She finally broke down. She felt like she had just flashed these men for nothing and now regretted it. She told the professor how she felt bad exposing herself for nothing and asked why they wouldn’t raise her grades.
The teacher replied, “ you may feel bad about exposing yourself for nothing. You may feel bad about your bad grades. You may be asking why it won’t work”
She replied, “I’m waiting for the but”
He replied “So are we”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aew6q2/a_girl_was_failing_all_her_classes_in_college/
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I told my friends a badminton joke the other day

I guess they didn't get the shuttle humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aew4yq/i_told_my_friends_a_badminton_joke_the_other_day/
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Being a blind Virgin it's really suprising to find out what a penis feels like.

You'll never see it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aew3le/being_a_blind_virgin_its_really_suprising_to_find/
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My boss yelled at me the other day.

“You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
Ι said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aew36t/my_boss_yelled_at_me_the_other_day/
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A young Soviet boy asked his father, “Is it true that freedom of speech is the same here as it is in the United States?”

His father said, “In principle, yes. I could stand on the White House lawn and yell, ‘Down with Reagan!’ and not be punished. Similarly, I could stand in the Red Square and yell, without punishment, ‘Down with Reagan!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aew0iu/a_young_soviet_boy_asked_his_father_is_it_true/
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three prisoners meet in a Gulag in Soviet Russia

Three prisoners meet in a Gulag in Soviet Russia.
They tell each other what are they there for.
The first one says: "In 1930, I made a negative review of comrade Ivanov's work."
The second one says: "In 1930, I made a positive review of comrade Ivanov's work."
The third one says: "I am comrade Ivanov..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aevvvj/three_prisoners_meet_in_a_gulag_in_soviet_russia/
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Two boys head to a brothel

The first boy calls one of the ladies over and asked "How much?"
The lady replied with "£40, kid."
The two boys pooled together all of the money they had and found that they were short by a considerable amount. The second boy asks "What can we get for £2:80?" The lady just smacked their heads together and took the money.
"Now get out!" She demanded.
As the two boys walked home the first turned to the second and said "I'm glad we didn't have the full £40."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aevuzs/two_boys_head_to_a_brothel/
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For Star Trek fans: What did Scotty tell Kirk when The Enterprise flew over western England?

"Thar be Wales here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aevsj5/for_star_trek_fans_what_did_scotty_tell_kirk_when/
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Paris, 1940: A nazi squad enter into an apartment and begin to search for the hidden family.

The soldiers manage to find the dad, the mom and the son, but the daughter remains unfound.
The nazi officer suddenly hears a cough under the children's bed.
He looks under and find the little girl.
With a smile on his face, he tand his hand to help her come out the bedframe.
\- Hello little Girl, what his your name ?
\- My name is Sarah, Mister Officer
\- *Ach*, *das* French politeness... *Und das ist ein* nice looking dress, little Sarah !
\- Yes, Mister Officer. My mom sewed it for me.
\- *Ach*, *das* French elegance ! *Und* how old are you, little Sarah ?
\- I am 6, Mister Officer. I will be 7 soon.
\- *Ach*, *das* French optimism !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aevqgx/paris_1940_a_nazi_squad_enter_into_an_apartment/
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What happens when a swede born in Norway moves to sweden?

The avrage IQ of both countries go up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aevq9a/what_happens_when_a_swede_born_in_norway_moves_to/
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I just swallowed a load of scrabble tiles

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aevlhk/i_just_swallowed_a_load_of_scrabble_tiles/
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Cigarettes are like hamsters

Perfectly harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aevjcj/cigarettes_are_like_hamsters/
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How do you get mice out of the church? (semi-OC!)

A priest, minister, and Soviet are discussing the subject of vermin.
Priest: "I have tried everything to keep the mice out of the church.  I've tried traps, poison, cursing them to Hell, everything!"
Minister: "I baptized them and made them members of the church.  Now I only see them on Christmas and Easter!"
Soviet: "I hang up sign that says 'Collective Farm'.  Half starve, the other half run away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aevjbs/how_do_you_get_mice_out_of_the_church_semioc/
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"Like father like son" is a nice saying.

Unless your old man tells you while you're adopting a kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeviwj/like_father_like_son_is_a_nice_saying/
%
Pulled over by police at 2 a.m.

An elderly man was pulled over by police at 2 a.m. and asked why he was out driving around at such an hour. The old man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about the effects of smoking and alcohol abuse on the human body."
The officer was skeptical. "Really, now? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The old man beamed. "My wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aevedk/pulled_over_by_police_at_2_am/
%
A taxidermist from NY walks into a bar in Alabama

He sits at the bar, orders a drink, and notices everyone in the bar staring at him, including the bartender.
"Is something wrong?" The man asks the bartender.
"We don't see many people coming in here dressed like you, where you from?" The bartender asks in a heavy southern drawl.
"I'm from New York. I'm here on business."
The bartender smirks, and asks "New York? What kinda business you do up in New York ?"
"Well sir, I'm a taxidermist."
"A taxeedermiss? What's that?"
"It means I mount and stuff animals."
The bartender suddenly smiles widely and yells to the patrons "it's alright boys, he's one of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeveb3/a_taxidermist_from_ny_walks_into_a_bar_in_alabama/
%
If congress approves funding for the wall ...

... Mexico will get a wall and the USA will pay for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aevdzo/if_congress_approves_funding_for_the_wall/
%
NSFW: How do you make your girlfriend really scream during sex?

Call her while you're doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeva4p/nsfw_how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_really/
%
What did the oceans say when they met?

Nothing. They just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aev11p/what_did_the_oceans_say_when_they_met/
%
I wanted to put a big smile on my wife’s face when she woke up this morning.

It didn’t go well, I’m not allowed to have sharpies in the house anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeuuvi/i_wanted_to_put_a_big_smile_on_my_wifes_face_when/
%
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?

Damn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeuu2d/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_ran_into_a_wall/
%
So there's this fly hovering a few inches above this lake...

(This is a long one but it's good trust me)
So there's this fly hovering  few inches above this lake...
There's a fish in the lake thinking to himself "if that fly were to drop a few inches I'd be able to eat the fly".
But there's also a bear on the shore thinking to himself "if that fly were to drop a few inches the fish would get the fly and I'd easily be able to eat the fish".
And there's also this hunter up a hill near the shore thinking to himself " if that fly were to drop a few inches the fish would eat the fly, the bear would eat the fish and the bear would be in a good place for me to shoot".
But there's this mouse a little further up the hill hiding in a bush looking at some crackers next to the hunter and thinking to himself "if that fly were to drop a few inches, the fish would eat the flu, the bear would eat the fish, Ye hunter would shoot the bear, and the hunter would be distracted enough for me to steal his crackers".
And then there's this cat even further up the hill at the hunters cabin thinking to himself "if that fly were to drop a few inches, the fish would eat the fly, the bear would eat the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, the mouse will steal the crackers, and I'll be able to chase down that mouse".
So what happened next you may be asking?
The fly dropped a few inches and the fish ate the fly, the bear ate the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse stole the crackers, but when the cat started to chase the mouse, he slipped and rolled all the way down the hill and splashed into the lake!
What's the moral of the story?
When a fly drops a few inches... pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeutef/so_theres_this_fly_hovering_a_few_inches_above/
%
What did the hydraulic press say to the air pump?

You’re pretty depressing aren’t you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeurqw/what_did_the_hydraulic_press_say_to_the_air_pump/
%
Ed has no girlfriend

Because Sheeran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeuq7v/ed_has_no_girlfriend/
%
Hey girl, are you a Redstone Torch?

Because you really extend my Piston.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeuova/hey_girl_are_you_a_redstone_torch/
%
Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeujfr/trump_legalizes_marijuana_to_pay_for_the_wall/
%
What do you call a feminist in Saudi Arabia?

Dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeugzl/what_do_you_call_a_feminist_in_saudi_arabia/
%
What do you call a dwarf whose testicles touch the ground?

Dragon Balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeuc76/what_do_you_call_a_dwarf_whose_testicles_touch/
%
Doctor: "All right, kid, how old are you?"

Boy: "Turning six next month!"
Doctor: "...and how very optimistic we are!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeuabp/doctor_all_right_kid_how_old_are_you/
%
What is the volume of a pizza with radius 'z' and height 'a'

It's Pi.z.z.a

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeu8cc/what_is_the_volume_of_a_pizza_with_radius_z_and/
%
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA...

For my black jeep...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeu79t/i_just_bought_the_personalized_license_plate_baa/
%
The dairy farm

A man hears word of a dairy farm that runs a brothel behind the scenes,  and decides to go check it out. When he gets there,  the old farmer that runs the place informs him of how things work.
Farmer: We're not a brothel in the traditional sense. See,  there's a wall over there with 3 holes in it. Just stick your pecker through one and you'll be taken care of right good. The first hole is $20, the second is $50, and the third is $100.
So,  the man decides to try the first hole. He pays his $20, slips into the hole,  and feels someone on the other side go to sucking. After 10 minutes,  he pops off a nut.
Thinking that wasn't bad,  he goes for the 2nd hole,  and after 5 m8nutes, he pops off another one.
After recovering for a few minutes,  he decides,  against the farmer's advice,  to try the 3rd hole. He ends up being there for hours,  unable to free himself.
Once he's loose, and in bad shape,  he asks the farmer what the hell's behind the wall.
Farmer: Well,  the first hole is my daughter,  the second is my wife,  and the third is my milking machine.
It don't stop until it gets 10 gallons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeu6vq/the_dairy_farm/
%
I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said...

"So, how long have you been an instructor?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeu1y8/i_had_my_first_parachute_jump_today_and_was_so/
%
The average height of a dwarf is about 3 feet tall

That's a little gnome fact

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeu1rc/the_average_height_of_a_dwarf_is_about_3_feet_tall/
%
A German Shepherd, Doberman and a Cat have died

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German Shepherd Says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master."
"Good," says God, "then sit down on my right side."
"Doberman, what do you believe in?" Asks God.
The Doberman Answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."
"Aha," said God, "you may sit to my left." Then he looks at the cat and asks: "And what do you believe in?"
The cat then answers: "I believe you're sitting in my seat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeu0me/a_german_shepherd_doberman_and_a_cat_have_died/
%
Who earns his salary without working a single day?

A night watchman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aetwet/who_earns_his_salary_without_working_a_single_day/
%
What's the best way to make Friends?

Tell a Woman you love her and she answers '' I think we are only friends''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aetvrg/whats_the_best_way_to_make_friends/
%
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aetrws/i_proposed_my_russian_girlfriend_and_she_said_yes/
%
How can you tell which axis is which?

It’s easy, X is a cross

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aetnw0/how_can_you_tell_which_axis_is_which/
%
What do you call an old snowman?

Water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aetcy1/what_do_you_call_an_old_snowman/
%
I thought Friday was going to be the saddest day ever

But the next day was a Saturday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aetceu/i_thought_friday_was_going_to_be_the_saddest_day/
%
A Cherokee chief and a corporate director

A Cherokee chief, poorly dressed, and a corporate director in a fancy suit share a bench in Central Park.
The corporate guy notices that from time to time the chief is peeking at his paper bag, printed with a clever design, that rests at his feet.
“You like the bag?”
“Yes, fancy”
Some time goes by, the chief is still looking at the bag.
“Would you like to know what’s inside?” the director says with a smug grin.
“Yes”
“Well, it’s an expensive bottle of the finest wine I got for my wife!” says the director, proud of himself.
The Cherokee chief ponders for a while and replies “Good trade!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aet5lp/a_cherokee_chief_and_a_corporate_director/
%
I hate people who trade with minerals

They take everything for granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aet5gt/i_hate_people_who_trade_with_minerals/
%
One of my all-time favourites

A deer sees a crying bunny, sitting by the road.
When asked what is wrong, the bunny said "The bear asked me if I fuzz, I said that I don't and he used me sa his toilet paper".
Some days later, the deer sees the same bunny at the roadside, laughing histerically.
"Glad to see you happy again", the deer said, "what happened?"
The bunny replied "Today the bear asked the hedgehog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aet51y/one_of_my_alltime_favourites/
%
How do you make a baker cry?

You kill his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aet4wx/how_do_you_make_a_baker_cry/
%
What do you call an anti-vaxxer trapped on the moon?

A problem.
What do you call 10 anti-vaxxers trapped on the moon?
A bigger problem.
What do you call all the anti-vaxxers in the world trapped on the moon?
Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aet4pg/what_do_you_call_an_antivaxxer_trapped_on_the_moon/
%
What will electron say if proton and neutron come to electrons home...

Make yourself atom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aet3w3/what_will_electron_say_if_proton_and_neutron_come/
%
I asked the store owner if they had any protein powder...

He said, "No Whey"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeszz9/i_asked_the_store_owner_if_they_had_any_protein/
%
A Police Officer is patrolling the streets of his town.

Suddenly he sees something weird, a car that is approaching has a dog behind the steering wheel while on the passenger's seat sits a man.
So of course he signals the car to pull out to the sidewalk.
Man in passenger's seat has a window already rolled down so the Police Officer starts talking to him:
"Bloody hell man, why would you let a dog drive a car?"
Man shrugs his shoulders and responds:
"Don't ask me, I am just a hitch-hiker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeszct/a_police_officer_is_patrolling_the_streets_of_his/
%
Why did the English teacher buy tampons the moment she got out of prison?

Because English teachers always end their sentences with periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aesx8k/why_did_the_english_teacher_buy_tampons_the/
%
I was at the ATM and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance,

so I shoved her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeswv0/i_was_at_the_atm_and_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
%
How many fat guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one more....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aesud5/how_many_fat_guys_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Figuring things out has become a fetish of mine

I just came to that realization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aessgs/figuring_things_out_has_become_a_fetish_of_mine/
%
Spending rest of life

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aesp03/spending_rest_of_life/
%
Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aesmsw/astronomers_detected_radio_signals_from_the_same/
%
Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?

Never mind, you won’t get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeslpc/hey_trump_supporters_can_i_tell_you_a_joke_about/
%
What gets louder as it gets smaller?

Baby in a trash compactor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeskk2/what_gets_louder_as_it_gets_smaller/
%
Dark humor is like an unvaccinated child...

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aesj6f/dark_humor_is_like_an_unvaccinated_child/
%
A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor...

A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint.
“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”
The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. “Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my last hope!” The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, “I think I may be able to help you. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem.”
The man’s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, “NO.” The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.
“WOW,” he screamed out loud, “This is great!!” But at 20 inches it was still too long, so he asked the frog again. “Frog, will you marry me?” the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!” The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, “This is fantastic.” He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog will you marry me?”
The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, “How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aesit7/a_man_who_had_a_25_inch_long_penis_went_to_his/
%
A man named 'That' really loved cakes.

Once he fell into a campfire while eating his favorite cake.
>**That** got dark real quick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aesio1/a_man_named_that_really_loved_cakes/
%
How many "Suh dudes" does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None.. Cause it's already Lit fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aesgap/how_many_suh_dudes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A dog was drowning in a pond...

A German man ran over and jumped into the pond to try and save it.
When he got out, the dog was unconscious, but it was safe for now.
A bystander, who had watched this happen, asked the man: “are you a vet?”
The man replied: “am I vet? I’m fucking soaking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aesbqm/a_dog_was_drowning_in_a_pond/
%
Why was the ice cream cone friends with the newspaper?

It always had the scoop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aesa36/why_was_the_ice_cream_cone_friends_with_the/
%
What is the name of the uniform that judges wear?

Lawsuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aesa2w/what_is_the_name_of_the_uniform_that_judges_wear/
%
Why do bank managers have such thin penises?

Because they're such tight fisted wankers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aes9p4/why_do_bank_managers_have_such_thin_penises/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aes5tz/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
Absolutely livid. I bought a Hawaiian pizza for lunch and I've just burned it.

Should've cooked it on aloha temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aes5no/absolutely_livid_i_bought_a_hawaiian_pizza_for/
%
One day, Moe was showing his friends a piece of art he made.

The portrait was of a prodigious music composer a long time ago.
Another one of Moe’s friends came up to them and asked, “Hey, what’re you guys looking at?”
“Moe’s-art.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aes4k0/one_day_moe_was_showing_his_friends_a_piece_of/
%
Her: I like a guy who's in touch with his feminine side

Me:  (trying to impress her)  I'm on my period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aes46k/her_i_like_a_guy_whos_in_touch_with_his_feminine/
%
Anti-vaccinations jokes are starting to get old.

Unlike the kids they're about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aerzct/antivaccinations_jokes_are_starting_to_get_old/
%
How does someone solve a chemistry problem?

With a solution!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeryc0/how_does_someone_solve_a_chemistry_problem/
%
I’ve been informed that jokes about acids are a waste of time.

They say that basic jokes have a higher potential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aerwby/ive_been_informed_that_jokes_about_acids_are_a/
%
A Soviet man goes to obtain an automobile

“Hello comrade! I would like to obtain an automobile.”
“Of course comrade. As you know, the Soviet Union takes care of all our wealth, so all you need to do is submit the request and wait.”
So the man fills out the paperwork.
“All settled then. The order should be completed in 10 years time, so come back then.”
“In the morning or the afternoon?”
“What difference does it make in 10 years time?”
“Well the plumber is coming in the morning”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aerv54/a_soviet_man_goes_to_obtain_an_automobile/
%
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian

They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aerr9r/my_buddhist_friend_was_stopped_by_a_christian/
%
They laughed at me when I said I wanted to become a comedian.

Well, nobody’s laughing now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aerpw2/they_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_become/
%
I'm pretty sure my dad's favorite animal was a buffalo...

Because the last word he ever said to me was "Bison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aerpn1/im_pretty_sure_my_dads_favorite_animal_was_a/
%
"Mommy?" little Johnny asks, "who is your favorite child?"

His mom replies: "Johnny, you know I can't answer this. I don't have a favorite child."
"But mommy," Johnny says, "I am your only child."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aerp6f/mommy_little_johnny_asks_who_is_your_favorite/
%
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aero0z/i_bet_my_farmer_friend_100000_i_could_get_his/
%
A boy asks his mom, "Is it bad to have a penis?"

She says "No, why"
"Because Dad is upstairs trying to pull his off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aernww/a_boy_asks_his_mom_is_it_bad_to_have_a_penis/
%
I have an idea for a brand of eye-drops.

I’ll call it moist-your-eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeriel/i_have_an_idea_for_a_brand_of_eyedrops/
%
What’s Karl Marx’s favorite measurement of time?

Hours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aerfoh/whats_karl_marxs_favorite_measurement_of_time/
%
I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation anonymous meeting.

So I came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aereqn/i_didnt_know_what_to_wear_to_my_premature/
%
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas

It was motherfucking gold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeraaj/i_just_read_a_joke_about_oedipus_and_midas/
%
My author friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aer7c1/my_author_friend_claims_that_he_accidentally/
%
What do you call an aggressive reptile that likes to start shit with people on Instagram?

An instigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aer4rq/what_do_you_call_an_aggressive_reptile_that_likes/
%
If you can kill 2 birds with one stone, How many can you kill with 5?

Half the fucking population
\#ThanosDidNothingWrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aer36o/if_you_can_kill_2_birds_with_one_stone_how_many/
%
What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aer2ec/what_do_you_call_a_fly_without_wings/
%
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it.  After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing....
So, they buried Susie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aer1so/a_cruise_on_the_pacific_goes_all_wrong_the_ship/
%
Every. single. day.

I give my wife an orgasm every day, but sometimes she spits it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aer1kp/every_single_day/
%
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"
The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."
[Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sjkgb/a_flight_attendant_sees_a_suspicious_couple_on/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeqwaw/the_flight_attendant_sees_a_suspicious_looking/
%
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters

completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeqtkq/cigarettes_are_a_lot_like_hamsters/
%
My son was kicked out of elementary school for getting a handjob from a girl in his class

So i told him: "Son, this is the third time this year, if you don't straighten out, you will lose your teacher license!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeqkgz/my_son_was_kicked_out_of_elementary_school_for/
%
What do you call the child of two redheads?

Ginger bred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeqgea/what_do_you_call_the_child_of_two_redheads/
%
A secret service agent is guarding the president

He’s escorting the president into a building
As he’s walking in the building, an assassin jumps out with a gun
The secret service agent says, “Mickey Mouse!”
The assassin is stunned and the agent is able to detain him
Later, the president tells the agent that saying Mickey Mouse was a great idea, and asking where he got it
The agent replies, “I was so shocked that I meant to say, ‘Donald Duck!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeqe9f/a_secret_service_agent_is_guarding_the_president/
%
A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening...

A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening.
So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I’m so big down there when I marry Harry he’s going to divorce me.
Her mother says don’t worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he’ll never know the difference.
So she does.
They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o’clock, he’s gone but there’s a note on her pillow.
It says:
“My darling Harriet. To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up. The only reason I’m not here now darling is that I’m at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we’ll have dogs and children.
When the 5 o’clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.
Your loving husband, Harry.
......PS. Your cunt is in the sink.”
RIP Bob Einstein AKA Marty Funkhouser, this joke is from curb your enthusiasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeqdiw/a_woman_is_very_afraid_of_the_size_of_her_opening/
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It sucks to be a dick

You have a head you cant turn, an eye you cant see out of, you always get a stiff neck, your roommates are nuts, your best friends a pussy and your closest neighbor is a real asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeq9dw/it_sucks_to_be_a_dick/
%
A grandpa was telling his grandchildren a story..

.. How he worked the night shift as a doorman at a hotel when he was young.
-There i was, just standing there, minding my own business when i saw two Germans coming. Children, i shat my pants so hard..
One of the grandchildren asks:
-But, grandpa, they were just Germans?
The grandpa replied:
-No,i had ran away then, i meant to say that i just shat my pants right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeq8ax/a_grandpa_was_telling_his_grandchildren_a_story/
%
How do you get a Twinkie pregnant?

Put it in a box of Ding Dongs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeq5s9/how_do_you_get_a_twinkie_pregnant/
%
A nun asks a class of teenage girls what they want to be when they grow up. An anxious girl stands straight up and proudly exclaims that she wants to be a prostitute.

The nun promptly fainted.
After the other sisters help the nun back to her feet, the nun asks, “What did you say?!?”.
With a bright smile smeared across her face, the girl replied, “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”.
The nun breathed an enormous sigh...”OH, THANK GOD! I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeq3vk/a_nun_asks_a_class_of_teenage_girls_what_they/
%
What do you call a man who's spent all night drinking at a sports bar?

A cab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeq0bd/what_do_you_call_a_man_whos_spent_all_night/
%
A guy farts.

His friend says, "Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind your back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeq05f/a_guy_farts/
%
What do you call an unvaccinated toddler's tantrum?

A mid-life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aepzie/what_do_you_call_an_unvaccinated_toddlers_tantrum/
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A confession

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aepshy/a_confession/
%
Son: But moooom, i don't wanna see grandpa.

Mom: Shut up son and keep on digging!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aepr8e/son_but_moooom_i_dont_wanna_see_grandpa/
%
80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.

80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aepm5h/80_of_girls_like_guys_with_sixpack_abs/
%
I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's?

That's where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aepjk6/im_fine_letting_other_people_dot_my_is_but/
%
The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live.

He advises her to marry a chemist and move to Toledo. The woman asks, “Will this cure my illness?”
“No,” replies the doctor, “but it will make six months seem like a very long time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aepj6s/the_doctor_tells_a_woman_that_she_has_only_six/
%
A man with a hunchback was walking trough the cemetery.

A ghost spooks him with a question.
- What is that on your back ? the ghost asks.
- Its a hunchback ! the man  replies.
- Can i have it ? asks the ghost.
- Shure !!! and the trade is done.
Mindblown,the man goes to his wimp-leg friend and tell him the story.As soon as he finishes telling him the good thing that has happened to him the man with a wimp-leg heads to the cemetery.He gets there and he starts wimping about looking for the ghost.
The ghost shows up and spooks him with a question.
- what is that on your back ???
The man replies - Nothing !
- Here,have this hunchback .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aepfm9/a_man_with_a_hunchback_was_walking_trough_the/
%
It has been said that Abraham Lincoln wrote a journal on how to construct a sturdy house that would last 100 years...

...for many years engineers have been trying to replicate it, but sadly they haven't found any of Lincoln's Logs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aepakd/it_has_been_said_that_abraham_lincoln_wrote_a/
%
Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aepahj/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
%
I went to my new doctor today and was shocked that she was a young, drop dead gorgeous female...

She noticed immediately that I was flushed and embarrassed. She said “Don’t worry- I’m a professional. Just tell me what’s wrong and I will help you in any way that I can”.
I said “I think my penis tastes funny”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aep57m/i_went_to_my_new_doctor_today_and_was_shocked/
%
Lust, love or showing off?

What’s the difference between lust, love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aep1r8/lust_love_or_showing_off/
%
[At the chameleon store]

Me: Do you have any chameleons?
Clerk: I have no fucking idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aep113/at_the_chameleon_store/
%
9 months ago I had best sex in my life

Today I became an uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aep0jn/9_months_ago_i_had_best_sex_in_my_life/
%
What's the difference between a donkey, a mule and a ass?

I didn't fuck your wife's donkey or mule yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aep08z/whats_the_difference_between_a_donkey_a_mule_and/
%
A convent in a small Italian village ran out of seasoning as they were prepping meals for orphans.

One of the older nuns decided she'd quickly ride her bicycle through town to market and pick some up.  As nuns do not travel alone, a younger sister accompanied her.
The streets seemed lined with more of the townspeople than usual on this day and while the nuns were at the market a boisterous, rowdy protest began.
The nuns noticed the commotion between them and the convent as they got to their bicycles.
"Whatever shall we do?" asked the younger nun. "We need to hurry these spices back."
"I know a few of the back alleys, my dear. Follow me." assured the older nun.
They quickly began darting this way and that through picturesque alleys between lovely villas, up and down hills and along very narrow passageways.  The young nun was barely able to keep up.
As they got onto a straightaway with the convent in sight, the young nun pulled up beside the older nun to match her speed and proclaimed, "I've never come this way before!"
The older nun grinned and nodded, "Yeah... it's the cobblestones"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeoya3/a_convent_in_a_small_italian_village_ran_out_of/
%
I quit my job at the helium gas factory

I didn't like being spoken to in that tone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeox0u/i_quit_my_job_at_the_helium_gas_factory/
%
My boss must think I’m a mechanic...

He always makes sure I’m under the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeouq6/my_boss_must_think_im_a_mechanic/
%
One for the Grammar Nerds (and kids)

Knock Knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To *whom.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeotic/one_for_the_grammar_nerds_and_kids/
%
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

Because when he asked them who their favorite composer was, they replied, "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeosvc/why_did_mozart_kill_all_of_his_chickens/
%
First joke, please go easy on me.

Recently, I had some unprotected sex with my girlfriend. Before long, I realized it would be a good idea to get an HIV test.
In the car, I turned to my dad and asked him if he thought I would be alright. After all, I was very nervous.
All he said was "Stay positive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeos87/first_joke_please_go_easy_on_me/
%
Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on the moon?

Cause if he chose SpaceY, it would have landed on a 14 year old boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeokmy/why_did_elon_musk_choose_spacex_to_land_on_the/
%
A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree.

When he got there, he started to swing at the tree and the tree said:
“Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack grinned and said:
“And you will dialogue”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeokfd/a_lumberjack_went_into_a_magical_forest_to_cut/
%
One of my best friends gave birth in a car, on the way to the hospital

His dad named him Carson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeok73/one_of_my_best_friends_gave_birth_in_a_car_on_the/
%
What was the name of that thing that really attracted ancient Egyptian women?

Pharaoh moans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeogot/what_was_the_name_of_that_thing_that_really/
%
A farmer wakes up every morning to find out that someone has stolen a watermelon from his garden.

Bored of this, he decides to put a sign that says "1 of these watermelons is poisoned". The next morning he is happy to see that this time nothing has been stolen... until he realizes that someone has changed the 1 to a 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeogiq/a_farmer_wakes_up_every_morning_to_find_out_that/
%
My mom made a really good joke once

Me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeofeo/my_mom_made_a_really_good_joke_once/
%
It’s not that Trump doesn’t believe in climate change

He just wants to Make Greenland Green Again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeof0t/its_not_that_trump_doesnt_believe_in_climate/
%
Did you hear that Steve Harvey and his wife got into a fight?

It was a family feud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeoewe/did_you_hear_that_steve_harvey_and_his_wife_got/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeob41/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Someone actually complimented me on my driving today

They left a note under my windshield wiper that said “Parking Fine”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeoar7/someone_actually_complimented_me_on_my_driving/
%
Why do women always have sex with the lights off?

Because they never like to see a man having a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeo3on/why_do_women_always_have_sex_with_the_lights_off/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aenx3j/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
What do you call a Dope Lizard?

Mariguana,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aenrvh/what_do_you_call_a_dope_lizard/
%
Guy walks into a bank...

He waits in line and gets called to the window of an older teller. When she asks how she can help, he replies, "I wanna open a fuckin' savings account."
The teller is offended and informs him, "Sir, please don't use such language in the bank. Now, you say you wish to open a savings account?"
He says, "Yeah, I wanna open a fuckin' savings account."
Becoming quite annoyed the teller again says, "Sir, just because you're a customer does not mean I'm required to stand here and listen to such filth. If you can't conduct yourself with some decorum, I'll have to summon my manager."
He says, "What, just because I want to open a fuckin' bank account?"
She's finally had it and storms of to get the bank manager. She soon returns with the very serious looking manager who sternly asks the customer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
The man says, "Look, I just wanna open a fucking savings account for $500,000."
The manager jerks his thumb in the direction of the teller and asks, "And is this cunt giving you a hard time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aenkna/guy_walks_into_a_bank/
%
James Bond's new watch

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aenjb2/james_bonds_new_watch/
%
Why don’t girls like mechanics?

They nut and bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeniv8/why_dont_girls_like_mechanics/
%
A man approaches a woman in a bar and says, "you know, you look better without glasses".

She replies, "I don't wear glasses".
He says, "I do".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aengx2/a_man_approaches_a_woman_in_a_bar_and_says_you/
%
Before I met my girlfriend I was out of control. I was wild and always getting shocked by static electricity. But not anymore...

She really keeps me grounded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aena3u/before_i_met_my_girlfriend_i_was_out_of_control_i/
%
Puma's new Jeans line has failed...

They were called Puma Pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aen4xq/pumas_new_jeans_line_has_failed/
%
What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aen2ql/what_does_a_robot_do_during_a_one_night_stand/
%
What did one lesbian say to her wife while they were looking through a sperm donor catalogue?

Hey, get a load of this guy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aen08p/what_did_one_lesbian_say_to_her_wife_while_they/
%
I didn’t know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Society meeting...

So I just came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aemyw4/i_didnt_know_what_to_wear_to_my_premature/
%
Welcome to Lannister Mattress Store!

Where we put to twins together to make a king!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aemvyr/welcome_to_lannister_mattress_store/
%
Have you heard about the man with an irrational fear of empty spaces?

Nothing scares him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aemve4/have_you_heard_about_the_man_with_an_irrational/
%
I decided to leave work an hour early today.

The flight attendants started freaking out when I grabbed my parachute though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aemnvw/i_decided_to_leave_work_an_hour_early_today/
%
I finally broke down and joined ChristianMingle.com...

My username is ComeGetPsalm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aemnm0/i_finally_broke_down_and_joined_christianminglecom/
%
Today, Senate Republicans declared that they see no path forward to end the government shutdown

In other words: they've hit a wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aemn53/today_senate_republicans_declared_that_they_see/
%
Eating cement is bad

There is a concrete evidence for that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aembq2/eating_cement_is_bad/
%
I was devastated when I found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real. Because that means it was my parents...

who molested me.
credit: Ryan Stout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aemasa/i_was_devastated_when_i_found_out_the_tooth_fairy/
%
A little girl goes into a pet shop...

"Hewwo, can I buy one of your wabbits?" The little girl asks the woman at the counter.
"Awwwwwwww" says the woman, her heart melted by the pretty little girl.
"Would you like a fluffy little white rabbit? A fluffy little grey rabbit? A fluffy little black rabbit? Or we even have one with white and brown patches".
"I don't fink my python weally gives a fuck".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aemao0/a_little_girl_goes_into_a_pet_shop/
%
Three cow boys

were sitting around a campfire telling their manly stories, first cow boy said,” I must be the toughest cowboy of them all, I once wrestled an angry bull into submission.” Second cowboy said,” that’s nothin, I once but a rattle snake’s head off and drank the venom.” The third cowboy sat in silence stirring the embers of the fire with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aemahz/three_cow_boys/
%
A wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill.
He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh... no, I haven't" he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties... and pulled out a crumpled fifty-dollar bill.
He took the crumpled fifty-dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
Then she said "Have you ever seen $75,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No!" he said... trying hard now to hide his anticipation.
She said "Might want to check the garage".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aem9zj/a_wife_asks_her_husband_have_you_ever_seen_twenty/
%
Why didn't the motorcycles get in the carpool?

Because they didn't have trunks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aelzoq/why_didnt_the_motorcycles_get_in_the_carpool/
%
My wife will not be happy...

While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my car and  landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked  "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up.
She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place that is only few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine to confirm that you are not hurt.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come on, I’m a Doctor," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examining me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her,  "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right?"
"Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aelzf2/my_wife_will_not_be_happy/
%
What do you call an underwater dog?

A subwoofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aelv08/what_do_you_call_an_underwater_dog/
%
Three men were about to dive off of a magical cliff

The first man told the other two about why it's a magical cliff " they say when you jump off if you yell what you want it will magically appear at the bottom of this cliff, replacing the water."
So the first man jumps off and yells "GOLD!" All of the water turned into gold coins, and the man died on impact.
The second man realizes the problem the first man had, so as he jumps he yells "A TON OF 100 DOLLAR BILLS" All of the gold coins turned into 100 dollar bills, which cushioned the mans fall a bit, breaking his legs but he survives, now rich.
As the third man was thinking of what he would wish for a strong gust of wind blows by and he loses his balance, yelling "OH SHIT" as he falls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aelpdt/three_men_were_about_to_dive_off_of_a_magical/
%
I missed what the roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500 were on the test.

I'm LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aelp1y/i_missed_what_the_roman_numerals_for_51_6_and_500/
%
Why do so many people want to see the Grand Canyon?

Well, you can’t deny it’s just gorges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aelomb/why_do_so_many_people_want_to_see_the_grand_canyon/
%
What's worse than learning that your parents are swingers?

Coming upon them at a party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aelno2/whats_worse_than_learning_that_your_parents_are/
%
A guy is relaxing at his home in Copenhagen when he hears a knock on the door. He opens up and it's Hamlet.

"What are you doing here?" he asks.
"Sorry to bother you," says Hamlet, "but I need a place to crash for a few days, do you mind if I stay here?"
Guy scratches his head and says "Well, I guess you can, this is pretty out of the blue though."
"I know," says Hamlet, " Nobody expects a Danish Imposition."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeln7x/a_guy_is_relaxing_at_his_home_in_copenhagen_when/
%
John Cena is in a horrible car accident.

And is rendered unconcious. After being transported to the hospital, he wakes up and calls for a nurse. The nurse hurries to his side and John Cena asks, "Nurse, where am I?"
"ICU", she replies
"No, you can't!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aelmrf/john_cena_is_in_a_horrible_car_accident/
%
A guy walks into a brothel...

...and says “I have a dollar, what can I get for this?”
The madam looks at him and his dollar for a moment before placing a large duck and a room key on the counter.  The man is skeptical but he takes the duck upstairs and has the time of his life.
He comes back every day for the next week, paying his dollar and having his fun.
On the eighth day, he comes in as usual and says “the duck please!” but the madam places a slightly smaller duck on the counter and informs him that the charge will be seven dollars.
“Why so much more?,” he asks incredulously.
She replies, “This duck doesn’t have AIDS”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aelknm/a_guy_walks_into_a_brothel/
%
What’s the difference between Trump and a flying pig?

The letter “f”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aelfqb/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_a_flying/
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Dark humor is like food;

not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aelcld/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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My girlfriend's like the square root of -100

A ten, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aelbgb/my_girlfriends_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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Mother Superior called a young novice into her office one evening.

' 'Now dear, I want you to give the Father his nightly bath. You are to do as he tells you and be sure to report to me in the morning,' ' she said.
The novice agreed to do as she was told and went to prepare the Father's bath. Doing as she was told, the novice washed the Father's hair and back.
While she was doing this the Father told the novice that he had the key to heaven. The Father told her that if his key to heaven fit her gate, she would be saved.
The next morning the novice entered Mother Superior's office. ''So how did it go last night dear? He didn't try anything on you, did he?'' she asked.
''Oh, Mother, it was wonderful! I did exactly as you told me to and when I was giving him his bath he told me the HE has the KEY TO HEAVEN! I was amazed, and he went on to tell me that if his key fit my gate, I would be saved. And Mother, his key FIT my gate! And it was the most beautiful thing in the world!'
And the Mother said: ''Damn that man! He told me it was Gabriel's horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ael8l2/mother_superior_called_a_young_novice_into_her/
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Why are so many lawyers drunks?

They already passed the bar once, they don't want to do it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ael7vm/why_are_so_many_lawyers_drunks/
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How many "friend-zones" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ael76i/how_many_friendzones_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
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A man visits a Mexican book store

He decides to go in. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ael54w/a_man_visits_a_mexican_book_store/
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If babies are delivered by a stork,

Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ael0dj/if_babies_are_delivered_by_a_stork/
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What do you call a berry patch on a windy day?

Blewberries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ael03d/what_do_you_call_a_berry_patch_on_a_windy_day/
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Why did Saudi Arabia banned chess and called it a dangerous game.?

Because, The queen can roam freely wherever she wants to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekzh4/why_did_saudi_arabia_banned_chess_and_called_it_a/
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It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing along led by Frank at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- "Larry the Hypnotist". Larry explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Each and every one of you, and all at the same time!" he said.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Larry withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on the watch." he said, holding the watch high for all to see. It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Larry. He began to slowly swing the watch back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they reflected from it's gleaming surface.
One hundred and fifty pairs of eyes dutifully followed the movement of the gently swaying watch. They were now all under his control. Then, suddenly, the thin gold chain broke! The beautiful antique watch feel to the stage and burst apart on impact! "SHIT!" exclaimed Larry.
It took them three days to clean the senior citizens' center, and Larry was never invited again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekz7l/it_was_entertainment_night_at_the_senior_citizens/
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A woman is getting dressed after her visit to the doctor

"So, Doctor", she says, "How about a kiss goodbye?"
"I'm sorry", the doctor replies, "But that would be terribly unethical. Hippocratic Oath and all that. I really shouldn't have even had sex with you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekyrd/a_woman_is_getting_dressed_after_her_visit_to_the/
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There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery

One Sunday ,in the pulpit, he said
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery I'll quit."
However since everyone liked they came with a code word so that he didnt know. So Someone who had committed adultery would say they had fallen.
This satisfy the old priest until he died a week later of old ripe age.
About a week after the new priest came arrives he visited the new mayor and seemed ever concerned.
The priest said ," You have to so something in the sidewalks in town. When people come into them the church they keep talking about falling. "
The mayor started to laugh realizing no one had told the new priest of the new code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest points a finger at him and says,
"I don't know what you're laughing about your wife has complained of falling three times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekwwz/there_was_this_old_priest_who_got_sick_of_all_the/
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I don't know if a lion would be unfaithful in a relationship

But a Tiger Wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekwas/i_dont_know_if_a_lion_would_be_unfaithful_in_a/
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I shoved a carrot up my ass...

It improved my hindsight and made me realize I shouldn't have done it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekvpq/i_shoved_a_carrot_up_my_ass/
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My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.
I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says
"Take it with me."
I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".
We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my dick.
"Daddy, why is your pee pee so big?"
And it hits me
"Because I eat my vegetables."
He's full on vegan now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekvay/my_5_year_old_son_wouldnt_eat_his_vegetables_nsfw/
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How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekv2o/how_did_burger_king_get_dairy_queen_pregnant/
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How are sailors like witches?

They spend a lot of time cursing.
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekt5h/how_are_sailors_like_witches/
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Steve Jobs dies and goes to the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks him if he thinks he deserves to go to heaven or hell.
Steve says “definitely heaven - I was responsible for the creation of products that brought joy to millions around the world.”
St. Peter replies “yes that is true, but I’m afraid you have to go to hell.”
Dumfounded and upset, Steve Jobs demands an explanation. St. Peter responds “I’m sorry Steve, there’s just no more space in the cloud.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekqk2/steve_jobs_dies_and_goes_to_the_pearly_gates/
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Yo momma so fat

Doctors say she has a flesh eating bacteria.....
She’ll only live for 75 more years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeknl1/yo_momma_so_fat/
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Lauren Sanchez was having sex with Jeff Bezos when her cell phone rang.

After hanging up, she says, ''That was my husband Patrick, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekmdk/lauren_sanchez_was_having_sex_with_jeff_bezos/
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[Canadian joke] Yo mama so fat

... there must be a medical condition that is causing her to gain so much weight. People don't get that fat simply due to "eating wrong" or "eating too much." Be nice to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekjw6/canadian_joke_yo_mama_so_fat/
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People think that I'm lonely & have no friends.

But my homie "Scam Likely" calls me 3 times a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekhqf/people_think_that_im_lonely_have_no_friends/
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What did the Buddhist Monk say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekh83/what_did_the_buddhist_monk_say_to_the_hotdog/
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I'm applying for a job hanging mirrors.

It's just something I can see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekea2/im_applying_for_a_job_hanging_mirrors/
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Apparently you cant use "beefStew" as a password.

It isn't stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekda0/apparently_you_cant_use_beefstew_as_a_password/
%
I got my wife a birthday present.

So I told my wife I got her something long, hard and takes two hands to handle.
She says, “Oh wow!”
I hand her a new broom.
I am now recovering in the hospital after having a broom handle removed from my rectum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aekcrt/i_got_my_wife_a_birthday_present/
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What do you need to choose a good air freshener?

common scents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aek6f5/what_do_you_need_to_choose_a_good_air_freshener/
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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”  the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aek2v6/a_girl_realized_that_she_had_grown_hair_between/
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Mr. John Shit goes to court to change his name

"Hello sir, how may I help you?" Asks the court clerk
"I would like to change my name."
"Very well, what is your current name?"
"John Shit."
"My god, what a horrible name. What would you like to change it to?"
"George Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aek2b3/mr_john_shit_goes_to_court_to_change_his_name/
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An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice.
Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the little voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the neighbours," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aejxql/an_employee_is_absent/
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I was feeling lonely, so i bought some shares.

It's much nicer having some company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aejv7k/i_was_feeling_lonely_so_i_bought_some_shares/
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I was having sex with my German girlfriend last night.

It was distracting when she kept yelling her age all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aejt0o/i_was_having_sex_with_my_german_girlfriend_last/
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Breakfast with little Johnny

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aejsao/breakfast_with_little_johnny/
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One of my favorite Little Jhonny jokes

Fred and Mary got married, but couldn't afford a honeymoon. So they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.
" Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aejrfe/one_of_my_favorite_little_jhonny_jokes/
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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aejpxx/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbor_at_a_bus_stop/
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What do u call a sad strawberry

A blueberry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aejpl3/what_do_u_call_a_sad_strawberry/
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The man and the missing girl

A man got up one day and did his usual, went out in the morning to the shop for a few essentials. As he shopped he saw a poster about a missing girl...
“Young girl, teens, with blue eyes and blonde hair. Always smiling” it read.
He continued with his day, and the next, and the next.
The next morning however, he looks out through his apartment window to see a girl tied up to a bed in a room he can see from his place. So he thinks back to the poster, ‘young girl, teenager’, yes he thought. ‘Blue eyes?’ Yes again. ‘Blonde hair?’ Another yes...
Right then, ‘Always smiling?’ the man said to himself.
Ohh nooooo he thought...this one’s crying, depressed as anything, never mind. And so he continues on with his day...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aejpj9/the_man_and_the_missing_girl/
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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next.
"My dad owns a farm too.
Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.";
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny.
"My aunt Tammie fought in the Gulf War, and her plane was shot down over enemy territory.
She jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a submachine gun and a bowie knife.
On the way down, she drank the case of beer.
Then she landed right in the middle of 100 Iraqi soldiers.
She shot 70 with her submachine gun, but then she ran out of bullets!
So she pulled out her bowie knife and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on her bowie knife broke, so she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Aunt Tammie when she's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aejnrk/one_day_at_the_end_of_class_little_johnnys/
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The Bartenders Apple

A popular bar in the city gets a new bartender. It’s a busy weekend on his first day on the job.
A regular walks in, says “Give me a jack and coke please.”
The bartender puts an apple on the counter in front of him.
“Are you deaf? I wanted a jack and coke!”
The bartender says “please sir, just bite the apple.”
He takes a bite and to his amazement the apple tastes just like Jack Daniels.
“Now turn it around”, says the bartender.
He turns the apple around and the other side tastes like coke. The customer is speechless.
Another guy comes up to the bar and wants a gin and tonic. Again, the bartender pulls out an apple and puts it on the bar.
Again, the customer takes a bite of the apple and it tastes just like gin! He flips the apple over and takes a bite and it tastes like tonic!
It’s around closing time now and a stranger walks in. He sits quietly at the bar. The first guy, already drunk at this point, turns to the stranger.
“This bartender is incredible. He can make an apple taste like anything you want!”
“Anything I want, huh? Okay, bartender, make me one that tastes like pussy!”
He immediately puts an apple in front of the guy. He takes a bite and spits it right out.
“Man this apple tastes like shit!”
Bartender says “Turn it around”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aejmwm/the_bartenders_apple/
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Lady: *coyly* Want to exchange numbers?

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aejk5u/lady_coyly_want_to_exchange_numbers/
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Did you know, the Canary Island does not have a single canary?

And the Virgin Islands? Same thing- not a single canary there too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aejjpx/did_you_know_the_canary_island_does_not_have_a/
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Gary kasparov (chess master) was sitting next to me in a plane.

He wanted to play chess with me.
I was like " come on Gary, u r like this world champion player... U will beat me in less than 10 moves. "
Gary replied, " I'll play with my left hand"
" That sounds fair" I said. And we played.
I don't know how but Gary beat me in 7 moves. I was hella confused.
So when I reached home I told my friend about what happened. How he beat me even while playing with his left hand.
My friend started laughing hard. "Ahh man, u'r an idiot. Gary fooled u.'
I was perpelexed, "how?"
My friend tapped my head and said, "he's a lefty, u dumbass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aejfqr/gary_kasparov_chess_master_was_sitting_next_to_me/
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What do Banksy and TMNT have in common?

Shredder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aejcmv/what_do_banksy_and_tmnt_have_in_common/
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How do you compliment an insta-hoe when she asks you what you think of her latest post?

Tell her she put a lot of thot into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aej8ev/how_do_you_compliment_an_instahoe_when_she_asks/
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NO JOKES SERVED HERE

A Priest, Rabbi, and Atheist walk in to a bar and each ask for a drink.
The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdained, points to a sign clearly lebeled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE
Without a fight The Atheist, Rabbi and Priest all leave the bar, heads hanging.
The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.
Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches asks the chicken, "Are you part of a joke?"
"Yeah." the chicken replies.
Again, he points to the sign": NO JOKES SERVED HERE.
The chicken argues: "Well then, where the hell am I supposed to wet my beak around here?!"
The bartender moves his pointed finger from the sign, to the door.
"There's another bar across the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aej5ar/no_jokes_served_here/
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A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Aruba and $3.00 in the Bahamas

Those are the the pie rates of the Caribbean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aej51k/a_slice_of_apple_pie_is_250_in_jamaica_275_in/
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A homeowner without a cat is just a

honer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aej2iq/a_homeowner_without_a_cat_is_just_a/
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A football team went on a trip by a plane

They started playing football in the cabin and the pilots were not happy, so the captain said to the flight attendant : "Go deal with this shit! " Later the plane was quiet and he asked his flight attendant : "What did you do? " The flight attendant answered : "Simply I told them to go play outside ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aej197/a_football_team_went_on_a_trip_by_a_plane/
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Got a bar joke for y’all

A Dyslexic man walks into a Bra...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aej0k1/got_a_bar_joke_for_yall/
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Trouble and Shutup were in the woods when suddenly Trouble got lost.

Shutup went to a sheriff and when the sheriff asked for his name, Shutup said his name, “Shutup”. The sheriff told him  “We need to know your name. What is it?”
“Shutup”
The sheriff at this point was annoyed. He looked Shutup right in the eye and said “Are you looking for trouble or something?”
Shutup said “Yeah, how’d you know?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeizz9/trouble_and_shutup_were_in_the_woods_when/
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NSFW An Aussie ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand

An Australian ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand. His car breaks down and he has to walk to the nearest farm.
He gets to the farm and asks the farmer if he can use the phone.  The farmer agrees, and the Australian calls for a mechanic.The mechanic is going to take  a couple of hours, so the Aussie hangs out with the farmer on the porch of the farm.
He asks the farmer if he would allow him to talk to the farmers dog.  ‘Dog doesn’t talk ya idiot’ replies the farmer.  Undeterred the Aussie asks the dog ‘how are you boy?’, to which the dog replies ‘I’m well, my master treats me well, takes me for long walks and lets me sleep wherever I like’.  The farmer is flabbergasted.  Then the Aussie asks if he can talk to the horse. ‘Horse doesn’t talk ya idiot’ he replies.  The Aussie asks the horse how he’s doing.  ‘Good!’ Exclaims the horse. ‘My owner rides me often and feeds me well. I don’t have any complaints at all’.  The farmer can’t believe what he’s witnessing.  The Aussie then asks the farmers sheep how it’s doing.  The farmer yells out ‘DONT LISTEN TO HIM, HE’S A FUCKING LIAR!!’
Side note: I imagined that would be a lot quicker to type!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeiuhn/nsfw_an_aussie_ventriloquist_is_driving_through/
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My boyfriend suffers from premature ejaculation.

It's his shortcoming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeitt7/my_boyfriend_suffers_from_premature_ejaculation/
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Why didn’t the cabbage win the race?

He wasn’t ahead of lettuce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeitrx/why_didnt_the_cabbage_win_the_race/
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What did the Japanese chef ask to his boiling noodles?

Udon yet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeit9a/what_did_the_japanese_chef_ask_to_his_boiling/
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Why do sharks live in salt water?

Pepper water would make them sneeze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeirfu/why_do_sharks_live_in_salt_water/
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A man pulls up to a petrol station and goes go buy a chocolate bar...

He goes up to the cashier and says "can I have a kit-kat chunky?"
The cashier returns with the chocolate bar he asked for and says "there you go, that will 80p please"
He turns back to her and says
"No, I wanted a regular kit-kat you fat bitch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeiq0h/a_man_pulls_up_to_a_petrol_station_and_goes_go/
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What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeioc0/what_do_you_do_with_365_used_condoms/
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There was a man named Johnny who had a cat.

He loved the cat more than anything, and when he was going on vacation he decided to leave the cat with his brother, Max.
A few days into the vacation, Jonny calls his brother to check in on the cat. “The cat is dead,” replies Max.
Johnny is devastated. “How could you break the news to me like that!?” he cries into the phone. “At least start out by telling me that the cat is on the roof. And then tomorrow let me know that the cat fell off the roof, but he’s at the vet and he’s doing ok. And then maybe that there have been some minor complications at the vet. And then maybe I would be ready for you to break the news that the cat is dead.”
“Anyway,” continues Johnny, “how’s Grandma?”
Max pauses for a second and then replies, “Grandma’s on the roof.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeiny9/there_was_a_man_named_johnny_who_had_a_cat/
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How do you get a duck to sing the blues?

Put it in the oven till it's bill withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeihl8/how_do_you_get_a_duck_to_sing_the_blues/
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What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeig5c/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Little Timmy

was in the car with his parents and brother when a police car cut them up. The dad honked the horn and screamed
"What an absolute cunt!"
"Daddy, What does cunt mean?" Timmy Asked
"Um it means police officer Timmy, just a friendly way to describe one" the dad replied in panic.
When the family got home Timmy walked into the living room where his dad blurted out another obscenity while watching the football.
"Oh you wanker!" he screamed
"Daddy what does wanker mean?" Timmy asked
"Ah its just another way of saying watching the t.v! Now go and see your brother."
Timmy runs upstairs to see his brother where he immediately swears as he dies in his video game.
"Ah shitting hell!" he says.
"What does shitting mean?" Timmy asked
"Ah its just another word for playing video games! Go see mum and leave me alone!"
So Timmy goes to the kitchen where his mum shouts a profanity as she cuts herself chopping vegetables.
"Ah fucking stupid meal!"  She screams
"Mommy whats fucking mean?" Timmy asks
"Oh its just another work for chopping, thats all. Oh I hear the doorbell can you please answer that!"
So Timmy goes up to the doorbell and opens it to see a police officer and the car that cut them up.
"Hello young man, is anyone from your family in?"
"Oh hey Cunt, yeah dads wanking on the sofa right now, my brothers shitting on his bed and my mums just fucking the vegetables!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeifpr/little_timmy/
%
Can you give someone skin graft from your butt?

Ass skin for a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeicgw/can_you_give_someone_skin_graft_from_your_butt/
%
*Tips fedora at mosquito*

M’laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeic9j/tips_fedora_at_mosquito/
%
Basic Chemistry

If you pour alcohol into the ocean. You have a global solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeibvi/basic_chemistry/
%
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine Learning algorithm: yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aei8j7/if_all_your_friends_jumped_off_a_bridge_would_you/
%
If you owe a bank a hundred dollars, you have a problem.

If you owe the bank a million dollars, the bank has a problem.
If you owe the bank several hundred million dollars, that's the taxpayers' problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aei8c2/if_you_owe_a_bank_a_hundred_dollars_you_have_a/
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A weeks worth of golf

Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer. They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and,on the way, told him, 'You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation.
He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.
The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf. Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.
On Friday's drive home, Dave said, 'Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favor. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the
penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?'
Pat burst into tears. 'I can't!'
'What? Why not?' asked Dave.
'Because,' she sobbed, 'I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me .... yet!'
'What?!' Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.
'I'm so sorry,' says Pat. 'You have a right to be angry with me.'
'You bastard!' Dave screamed, his face bright red. 'You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aei6wm/a_weeks_worth_of_golf/
%
Two beggars sit outside a church in St. Petersburg in Tsarist Russia

Each has a hat on the ground in front of him. One of the beggars is wearing a cross around his neck and the other is clearly an old Jew.
When services are over, the doors of the church open, and the crowd of Russians walk out. One by one, the Russians spit on the old Jew and very deliberately drop a few rubles into the good Christian beggar's hat. By the time the last Russian has gone home, the Christian's hat is overflowing with coins, and the Jew is as broke as he was at the start of the day.
The priest walks out of the church, drops a ruble into the Christian beggar's hat, and looks at the old Jew with pity. He crouches down, and asks him "Why do you put yourself through this every week? You've been sitting here every week for years, and nobody ever gives you money. You get spat on relentlessly. Won't your own people take care of you?"
The old Jew looks up at the priest and then says to the Christian beggar, "Hey Moishe, look who wants to teach us how to run a business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aei6mm/two_beggars_sit_outside_a_church_in_st_petersburg/
%
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.
The man: Well, Charley?
Charley lifts his paw.
The man: Charley, come on, say something.
Charley barks once.
The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English.
Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous.
Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley.
After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: "Why did you do that?"
"Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aei4i3/a_man_in_the_bar_offers_to_bet_anyone_100_that/
%
I asked Jeff Bezos’ wife why they were getting a divorce.

She said now that he’s out of this prime it takes him more than two days to come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aei41y/i_asked_jeff_bezos_wife_why_they_were_getting_a/
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Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is getting divorced from his wife

Apparently attempts to re-Kindle Fire into their relationship failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aei387/amazon_founder_jeff_bezos_is_getting_divorced/
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How can you tell if Donald Trump is lying?

His lips move.
(Found this joke on Quora.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehynd/how_can_you_tell_if_donald_trump_is_lying/
%
Our family couldn’t decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated...

So in the end we just let her live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehwmm/our_family_couldnt_decide_whether_to_have_grandma/
%
I have a secret agent’s body

My six pack is currently undercover which is why you can’t see it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehvhp/i_have_a_secret_agents_body/
%
The laziest son

Three men are in a pub arguing about who has the laziest son.
The first says, "I could put fifty dollars in front of him, and he wouldn't reach out and take it."
The second says, "I could offer to wire him a hundred bucks, and he wouldn't nod if I asked him whether he wanted it."
The third says, "I walked in on him crying the other day. I ran to his side and asked him what was wrong. He said... "I'm sitting on my balls...""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehv7i/the_laziest_son/
%
Is it possible to make friends on r/jokes?

Asking for a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehua0/is_it_possible_to_make_friends_on_rjokes/
%
Whats the difference in between a coffin and a condom?

One you go in and the other you come in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehu0b/whats_the_difference_in_between_a_coffin_and_a/
%
Does Sean Connery like herbs?

He does, but only partially.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehr64/does_sean_connery_like_herbs/
%
Why are monks so good at protesting?

Because the more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehqxw/why_are_monks_so_good_at_protesting/
%
I don’t quite know what it is about tight fitting shorts that turns me on so much.

Normally I wear a size L.
I wore a size M and it felt great at the start but the novelty soon wore off. I thought I’d really spice things up by squeezing into an S.
It was deeply erotic but they stopped the blood to my legs and hurt my testicles.
So I went to the doctors and luckily there was no long term damage.
He advised, your fetish is ok in moderation but please don’t take it to XS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehqck/i_dont_quite_know_what_it_is_about_tight_fitting/
%
My wife is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...

But when I take one of her dresses, suddenly, it's, "We need to talk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehn0a/my_wife_is_always_stealing_my_tshirts_and_sweaters/
%
I always want to make a chemistry joke

But all the good ones Argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehm34/i_always_want_to_make_a_chemistry_joke/
%
A friend asked if I'd like to go drag racing,

I had to politely decline.
I can't even walk, never mind run in high heels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehm12/a_friend_asked_if_id_like_to_go_drag_racing/
%
A Pole walked into a bar

Clang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehlpu/a_pole_walked_into_a_bar/
%
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehkj5/during_his_presidency_there_were_some_files_that/
%
I've just met this girl who is perfect but she doesn't know how to do multiple choice tests.

she ticks all the boxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehh6z/ive_just_met_this_girl_who_is_perfect_but_she/
%
A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.

His condition is now stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aehazm/a_guy_was_admitted_to_hospital_with_8_plastic/
%
A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeh7kx/a_young_boy_says_to_his_father_dad_our_maths/
%
Might be a repost but here is a Joke my dad told me a few years back.

A young boy named Johnny is visiting his grandparents, he and his grandfather are watching a movie while Johnny sits on his lap.
Johnnys grandfather then proceeds to light a cigarette and Johnny asks if he can try.  So his grandfather asks:
“Does your dick touch your asshole?”
“No”
“Then you are not old enough to try”
Later the same scenario happens but it is with a beer instead, when Johnny asks if he can try the same question was asked:
“Does your dick touch your asshole?”
“No”
“Then you are not old enough to try”
A few hours later Johnny comes back in with a couple cookies that his grandmother made for him, his grandfather asks if he can have one and Johnny replies with:
“Does your dick touch your asshole?”
The grandfather smiles and proudly answers:
“Yes, in fact it does”
“Good, then you can go fuck yourself because grandma made these for me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeh6cd/might_be_a_repost_but_here_is_a_joke_my_dad_told/
%
Did you hear about the angry train?

It was really blowing off steam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeh5hj/did_you_hear_about_the_angry_train/
%
It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days...

One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aegz1k/its_crazy_how_fast_milk_trucks_are_driven_these/
%
A blonde dyes her hair brown and goes for a drive in the countryside

While she is driving, she stops for a shepherd who is crossing with some sheep.
She asks,"If I can guess the amount of sheep you have, can I keep one?"
The shepherd replies,"Sure, why not"
So the blonde (now brunette) thinks for a while and says,"261"
The number is right, so the shepherd let's her choose a sheep.
She picks the cutest one
On that decision, the shepherd asks her,"If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my d9g back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aegx1n/a_blonde_dyes_her_hair_brown_and_goes_for_a_drive/
%
What do you call a wooly mammoth fetus?

The elephant in the womb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aegp9f/what_do_you_call_a_wooly_mammoth_fetus/
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I once had a friend named Bill.

We knew each other for years since we were neighbors. As a result of this we were great friends and there was very little that could come between us.
Except for his girlfriend, Jean. She was a grade A slag.
She would often flirt with me and sometimes while Bill was in the room. She even tried to tell me she was in love with me. This of course made Bill very nervous, thinking his girlfriend was cheating on him with me. I always told him nothing was going on. But the shit really hit the fan when she ended up pregnant even though her and Bill never had sex.
Even though I didn't do anything Bill still assumed I was the father.
Eventually I had to tell him. Look, Billy, Jean is not my lover. She's just a girl who think I am the one. But the kid is not my son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aegm0a/i_once_had_a_friend_named_bill/
%
Teacher: Who can tell me what are the best flammable materials?

Jewish kid: Me Me Me
Teacher: ok, what else?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aegikp/teacher_who_can_tell_me_what_are_the_best/
%
How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Zero, because they never screw anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aegh7c/how_many_incels_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Did you hear about that movie star that did hard drugs for an entire year to play an addict in a film?

He's a meth-head actor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aegh21/did_you_hear_about_that_movie_star_that_did_hard/
%
How do you become the richest woman in the world?

Divorce the richest man in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeggty/how_do_you_become_the_richest_woman_in_the_world/
%
A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”
“I was told there was.”
“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”
“I’m pretty sure there is.”
The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”
“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”
“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”
“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeggmt/a_major_arrives_at_a_remote_post_wheres_your/
%
A city man recently moved to a rural area

He buys a nice house & his neighbors seem great.
One of his neighbors comes up to his fence & they begin to talk.
The country guy tells him “I’m going to throw a big party for you at my place. There’s going to be a lot of drinking, a lot of fighting & a lot of fucking.”
The city guy says “Wow that sounds like a crazy party. What time should I go over?”
The country guy goes “Come whenever! It’ll just be the two of us.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aegcij/a_city_man_recently_moved_to_a_rural_area/
%
A man constantly annoys his wife by.....

...referring to her as "Mother of 5" in social situations. Whenever he introduces her or when they are leaving a party, as in "ok, "Mother of 5" time to go home"...one day she has had enough and when he called this out at the end of the church picnic she yelled back "Ok let me get my purse and we'll go, Father of 3"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aegc01/a_man_constantly_annoys_his_wife_by/
%
I married a loving, lovely woman who works with bees.

She's a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aegb6p/i_married_a_loving_lovely_woman_who_works_with/
%
The cooks didnt see it coming

My egg order has left the chefs scrambling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aefzsa/the_cooks_didnt_see_it_coming/
%
What is the body temperature of a Tauntaun?

Lukewarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aefyxo/what_is_the_body_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
%
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had.

It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aefwa4/i_got_drunk_and_drew_up_a_graph_showing_all_of/
%
A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV ...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aefvlo/a_horse_is_sitting_at_home_watching_mtv/
%
So, one day a boy hears yelling and commotion coming from his parents room

He goes into the room to investigate, and he sees his parents in the act. They begin to laugh hard, and the son runs back to his room.
A little while later, the father hears yelling and screaming coming from his son’s room. The father then goes into his room to investigate, and sees the boy with his grandmother, and yells “what the hell???”
The son says “it’s not so funny when it’s YOUR mom is it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aefp9q/so_one_day_a_boy_hears_yelling_and_commotion/
%
A boy visits his grandparents, and is sitting on the front porch with his grandfather.

Soon Grandma comes out and gives Grandpa a cigar.  He lights up while the boy watches, and the boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"  Rather than answering, the man snaps, "Does your dick touch your asshole?"  The boy thinks about this, then shakes his head no.  "Of course not, because you're a little boy, and little boys don't get cigars."
Some time passes, and out comes Grandma with a cold beer for her husband.  Grandpa starts drinking it while the boy watches,  and the boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"  Again the man trumpets, "Does your dick touch your asshole?"  The boy shakes his head again.  "Of course not, because you're a little boy, and little boys don't get to drink beer."
Some time passes, and out comes Grandma with a plate of warm cookies and a glass of ice cold milk for the boy.  Grandpa eyes the gooey chocolate chip goodness, and asks the boy, "Hey, can I have one of those?"  In the same gruff voice, the boy asks his Grandpa, "Does your dick touch your asshole?"  The Grandpa answers immediately, "Yes, of course, because I'm a grown man."
The boy grabs a cookie and says, "Then go fuck yourself.  They're my damn cookies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aefm36/a_boy_visits_his_grandparents_and_is_sitting_on/
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I am unable to stop swearing no matter how much I try

It truly is a curse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aefkxm/i_am_unable_to_stop_swearing_no_matter_how_much_i/
%
Why aren't there any zombies in the White House?

Because they feed on brains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aefghr/why_arent_there_any_zombies_in_the_white_house/
%
At first I was worried about my narcolepsy

But I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aefetj/at_first_i_was_worried_about_my_narcolepsy/
%
My girlfriend and I overheard a Whitney Houston song.

She says “Man, Whitney had some pipes on her.”
I say “Pretty sure that’s how she died, right?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aefedw/my_girlfriend_and_i_overheard_a_whitney_houston/
%
I am done smoking weed with my Mexican friends!

I asked who has papers and they all ran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aef8zx/i_am_done_smoking_weed_with_my_mexican_friends/
%
Just say No to drugs.

Well if I'm talking to my drugs.. I probably already said yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aef6jx/just_say_no_to_drugs/
%
"The glass is half empty" says the pessimist.

"The glass is half full" says the optimist.
"While you dumb fucks were arguing, I drank your water" says the opportunist.
"That wasn't water" says the urologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aef4sp/the_glass_is_half_empty_says_the_pessimist/
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What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?

A trip without the kids!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aef46c/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_lsd_and_birth_control/
%
Because Beethoven was deaf, everyone said he couldn't be a musician.

But did he listen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aef3wj/because_beethoven_was_deaf_everyone_said_he/
%
A lady decided to give herself a treat

for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in one of Melbourne's most expensive hotels.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $500.
She exploded, demanding to know why the charge was so high.
The clerk told her $500 was the standard rate. So she insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared, and was filled in.
"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool, a gymnasium, a sauna and a huge conference centre, which are all available for use,'' he said.
" But I didn't use them,'' she protested.
"Well, they are here, and you could have,'' he explained.
He went on to explain she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel was famous.
"But I didn't go to any shows,'' she protested again.
"Well, you could have,'' the manager replied.
Since the manager would not be moved, she wrote out a cheque and handed it over.
"But madam,'' said the manager," this cheque is made out for only $200.''
" That's correct,'' she replied.
"I charged you $300 for sleeping with me.''
" But I didn't!'' exclaimed the very surprised manager.
"Well, too bad,'' she said.
" I was here, and you could have"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aef2wf/a_lady_decided_to_give_herself_a_treat/
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A Greek mother gave her daughter marriage advice.

On her daughter's wedding day, she said, "We're Greek. You're father's Greek and your husband is Greek. So you need to listen to me."
"Okay, mama," said the bride.
"When you have sex, he's going to want you to turn over. Don't.  Never turn over."
The daughter agreed and said she'd never turn over. A year later she was talking to her mom and said, "You were right. Every time we do it, he wants me to turn over. And I never did. But now I think I have to."
"Why?" asked the mother.
"Because if I don't turn over, I'm never going to get pregnant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aef0zm/a_greek_mother_gave_her_daughter_marriage_advice/
%
How do you bake an alligator?

Croc pot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aef0u9/how_do_you_bake_an_alligator/
%
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said "today I am going to give you a letter and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter."

So the teacher says "A" and Little Johnny immediately raises his hand but the teacher knows he will say asshole so she calls on Little Mary and she says "apple."
"Very good" the teacher replied. "Okay, how about the letter B"
Little Johnny once again immediately raises his hand and says "oh, oh, please pick me" so the teacher thinks for a moment and inside her head knows he'll say "bitch" or "bastard", so she skips over Little Johnny and calls on Little Brad and Little Brad replies "boat."
"Very good Brad" the teacher says. "Now how about C" the teacher asks.
Immediately Little Johnny's eyes light up and this time says "oh pick me, pick me l know one" the teacher instantly goes right to Little Bobby and he says "car."
"That's a good one Bobby."
So the teacher does the same thing with the letter D and ignores Little Johnny raising his hand.
Now the teacher says "You're all doing a great job class, how about E" this time Little Johnny stands up waving his arms begging for a chance.
So the teacher pauses for a solid 10 to 15 seconds and can't think of one bad word that begins with the letter E.
So she reluctantly calls on Little Johnny and Little Johnny very nicely and calmly says "Elephant" and before the much-relieved teacher can even exhale, Little Johnny puts both hands up out in front of himself approximately two feet apart and yells out "with a fucking cock this big!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aef0j3/little_johnny_was_in_class_and_the_teacher_said/
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What do you call a chef on a time constraint?

A pressure cooker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aef0b8/what_do_you_call_a_chef_on_a_time_constraint/
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Three ducks get arrested...

The first duck walks up to the judge and the judge asks
"What is your name and what were you arrested for"
The duck responds: "My name is Billy, and I was arrested for doing quack in the park"
The judge tells the duck to sit down, and the second duck walks up to the judge and being asked the same questions, says: "Well my name is Johnny and I was also arrested for doing quack in the park"
The judge tells the duck to sit down and brings out the third duck. He already knows what to say:
"Well... uh my name is Quack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeexu4/three_ducks_get_arrested/
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Brazil factoid

TIL that, until about 1930, Brazil was known officially as the United States of Brazil, or USB. So, does that mean that Rio de Janeiro was a USB port?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeewy9/brazil_factoid/
%
I wish my sex appeal was like a math book.

Because I've never met someone that didnt open it up, and say "fuck me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeetdc/i_wish_my_sex_appeal_was_like_a_math_book/
%
What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A golden retriever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeeojs/what_do_you_call_an_intelligent_blonde/
%
A beautiful woman goes to a party.

While scanning the guests, she spots an attractive man standing alone.
She approaches him, smiles and says, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That’s a beautiful name," he replies. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replies. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'"
"What’s your name?” she asks.
He answers "B.J. Titsengolf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeenxd/a_beautiful_woman_goes_to_a_party/
%
My wife on April's Fool's Day texted me a picture of a sonogram with the message: "Guess what I'm pregnant again”

I texted back: "Haha very funny, I know what today is, you're like the third person to send me that today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeemhd/my_wife_on_aprils_fools_day_texted_me_a_picture/
%
Pizza is a lot like sex

Now that I'm fat my girlfriend says I'm not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeem91/pizza_is_a_lot_like_sex/
%
Did you hear about the guy who tried to run a race with empty two-liters as shoes?

Yeah... He was soda feeted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeekhl/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_tried_to_run_a/
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I will never forget my grandfather’s last words...

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeehxy/i_will_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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I just signed up for a 12 month membership at a gym.

My bank called wondering if my credit card got stolen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeegi1/i_just_signed_up_for_a_12_month_membership_at_a/
%
Did you hear about the escaped convict with the speech impediment?

He was never good at finishing his sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeefeq/did_you_hear_about_the_escaped_convict_with_the/
%
A teenage boy and a teenage girl are in a relationship, and it was going rather smoothly. . .

. . . The girl asked eventually told the boy that if he would come over for dinner, meet her parents, and make a good impression, that she would reward him by making whoopee with him.
He was pretty excited for the first time, so, being a responsible young man, he immediately went down to his local pharmacy to buy some condoms. But, since it was his first time, he didn't know what kind to buy, so he asked the pharmacist for help. The pharmacist spent a good hour discussing the different types of condoms, what they do, etc. He then asked the boy what his choice was. To which the boy responded, "Well, since it's my first time, I'm try the family pack." The pharmacist rang it up for him, and the boy left, excited.
Finally, the big night arrived. The boy was very nervous, but he was determined to make a good impression on the girl's parents. Everyone sat down for dinner, and the mother said, "Let us bow our heads and thank the good Lord for this meal." Everyone bowed their heads and said grace. When they were finished, everyone looked up . . . except the boy. He continued to bow his head and mumble in prayer. After a solid twenty minutes, the girl tapped him on the leg and whispered, "I never knew you were so religious."
The boy whispered back, "I never knew your father was a pharmacist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeebu7/a_teenage_boy_and_a_teenage_girl_are_in_a/
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Getting a drink after work

2 airline mechanics get off work at  LaGuardia airport. One says to the other let's go get some drinks. The other agrees, but says "Let's try drinking jet fuel." "I hear tastes just like whiskey and there's no nasty hangover." The other agrees and they drink about quart a piece. Afterwards they go home. The next morning one calls the other and asks "How do you feel?" The other guy says "Great, no hangover!" The first says "Ok just one more thing, have you farted yet?" No.... "Well don't I'm calling from Phoenix!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeebpx/getting_a_drink_after_work/
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What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeeaxp/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
%
Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother

For $10 worth of bitcoin
B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin?
T: I just want to start investing for college?
B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you.
T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for?
B: I gave you $15.43, just like you asked.
T: Okay, hopefully my $13.86 price will go up.
B: No problem, Timmy. $4.31 isn't that much for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aee91k/tim_asked_his_bitcoin_investing_brother/
%
Best Laid Plans

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few  years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him  that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his  marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to  have the child.
If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child  support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would  know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to mail  him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange  for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his  confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard  today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The  wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card,  turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti,  Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aee8rw/best_laid_plans/
%
Everybody is doing the “Bird Box” challenge

I wish they would just do the “A Quiet Place” challenge and shut up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aee8pz/everybody_is_doing_the_bird_box_challenge/
%
A fight broke out in a candle store. The manager was briefly worried about loss from damages, but he decided he didn't care...

All in all, it was just another wick in the brawl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aedxnq/a_fight_broke_out_in_a_candle_store_the_manager/
%
I told my wife she can have the safe deposit box with the five hundred grand after the divorce.

She got really excited about those candy bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aedvm0/i_told_my_wife_she_can_have_the_safe_deposit_box/
%
I went on a couple of dates last week, and one of them sucked.

So I stopped seeing the other one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aedv3i/i_went_on_a_couple_of_dates_last_week_and_one_of/
%
Didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation society meeting.

I came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aedoud/didnt_know_what_to_wear_to_my_premature/
%
So i heard Wolverine got a sex change

Now he's an ex-man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aedmwp/so_i_heard_wolverine_got_a_sex_change/
%
Why did the Hamburger Helper get fired from the restaurant?

Because he was Stroganoff on the job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aedlw1/why_did_the_hamburger_helper_get_fired_from_the/
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Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aedl7c/why_does_donald_trump_take_xanax/
%
A bunch of people got sick at the company where I work.

It was a staff infection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aedh7g/a_bunch_of_people_got_sick_at_the_company_where_i/
%
Did you hear about the train conductor that went crazy and killed everyone?

They say he had a loco motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aedgxo/did_you_hear_about_the_train_conductor_that_went/
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1911: dracula used to drink virgin girls' blood....

in 2019: he died of hunger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aedcp5/1911_dracula_used_to_drink_virgin_girls_blood/
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What's the difference between me and eggs?

Eggs get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aedaur/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_eggs/
%
A sailor leaves his wife to join the navy.

He writes to his wife that he is on an island surrounded by beautiful women and while he will try to be faithful, he needs something to distract himself from the war.
His wife writes back but sends a package along with her letter. The letter reads, "here's an accordion. I want you to practice every night before you go to sleep."
After months away from home, the sailor returns home and insists that he must get his wife in the bed.
His wife agrees but says, "first, let's see how well you play that accordion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aed4fb/a_sailor_leaves_his_wife_to_join_the_navy/
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What do you call a murder over a set of porcelain figurines in the middle of a rice field?

A knick-knack-paddy-wack
(100% stolen from somewhere, I still think it's funny)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aed3q7/what_do_you_call_a_murder_over_a_set_of_porcelain/
%
Jokes about communism aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aecx9w/jokes_about_communism_arent_funny/
%
Two ducks go on their honeymoon...

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aecu4e/two_ducks_go_on_their_honeymoon/
%
A duck hunter bought a bird dog from a guy who claims that the dog can find ducks anywhere.

So he takes him out to try it out. A few minutes after he releases the dog it comes running back with a stick in its mouth.
It drops it at his feet, and starts humping his leg. Then picks the stick up and starts shaking it in the air.
Mad that the salesman got the better of him, he loads the dog up and takes it back.
He says "This dog is a fraud!! He didn't find any ducks! He just came back from over a hill, humped my leg, and shook around this stick!!"
The salesman amused says "buddy.. he tried to you!!"
"Tell me what!?"
"That there were more fucking ducks over that hill than you could shake a stick at!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aecqxs/a_duck_hunter_bought_a_bird_dog_from_a_guy_who/
%
During the First World War, Switzerland was the coat hanger of the other fighting countries,

When war ended, Switzerland gave the coats back ...
But without the wallets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aecqs2/during_the_first_world_war_switzerland_was_the/
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Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive?

Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran-
Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aecnuq/grandpa_what_has_4_legs_but_isnt_alive/
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A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.
Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their delight, he went through the day and night without a single mention of his cousin’s lack of ears, and all was well. As they were saying their goodbyes the next morning, the boy asked his aunt, “Does the baby have good eyesight?” “Why of course, why do you ask?” The aunt responded.
“Because if he needs glasses he’s fucked”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeclav/a_boys_cousin_was_born_without_ears/
%
What do call a lion that likes to punch?

A punch lion. Too bad this joke doesn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeckdg/what_do_call_a_lion_that_likes_to_punch/
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A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aecj2h/a_man_went_to_a_doctors_office_with_carrots/
%
If you have bought a new monitor, don't forget to update your refreshrate.

Otherwise, it only Hertz in your wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aecifr/if_you_have_bought_a_new_monitor_dont_forget_to/
%
Finally something positive happened in my life

I am hiv positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aecfu6/finally_something_positive_happened_in_my_life/
%
I just went to the toilet and took a huge dump...

I think I lost like one-turd of my weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aec9n6/i_just_went_to_the_toilet_and_took_a_huge_dump/
%
I don’t know why people won’t let trump build the wall.

Because there is a wall in China and there is  no Mexicans there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aec8xw/i_dont_know_why_people_wont_let_trump_build_the/
%
Why do women have orgasms?

So they have something else to moan about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aec8cj/why_do_women_have_orgasms/
%
My local Brothel started offering coffee recently

Eager to give it a try, I walked in and ordered a tall black.
Then I ordered my Latte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aec6wa/my_local_brothel_started_offering_coffee_recently/
%
What do a visually impaired gynaecologist and dogs have in common?

Wet noses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aec5y6/what_do_a_visually_impaired_gynaecologist_and/
%
Big ol fat man at the YMCA...

There's a big ol fat man at the YMCA taking a shower...
You gotta take a shower before you get in to pool at the YMCA...
Big ol fat man is taking a shower and a little skinny dude walks in and says wooooo-weeeeee, how long has it been since you saw your dick?
Fat man says, looooooong time...
Skinny dude says, Why don't you diet?
Fat guy says, What color is it now???
I hope this isn't a repost, I've never seen it on here before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aec0wk/big_ol_fat_man_at_the_ymca/
%
I had my limbo rope stolen while at a funeral

It’s amazing how low some people will go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aebw3m/i_had_my_limbo_rope_stolen_while_at_a_funeral/
%
What did the winner of the muscle loss competition get?

A-trophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aebvka/what_did_the_winner_of_the_muscle_loss/
%
An Australian Man Joins the U.S. Army

As they present themselves at boot camp, the drill sergeant walks up and down the line, looking for signs of weakness.
He stops and gets in the Australian's face and asks "Did you come here to die soldier?"
The Australian calmly responds, "No sir, I came here yester-die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aebrtu/an_australian_man_joins_the_us_army/
%
A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline.  The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".
The boy is super excited and rides it over to his girlfriends house to have dinner with her parents for the first time as a celebration for his birthday.  Before they walk in the house, the girlfriend says to him, "Just so you know, my family plays this game where we don't speak during dinner, and if anyone speaks, they have to do the dishes."  The boy thinks its a weird game but doesn't put too much thought into it.  They walk in the house and as they go to the dining room he sees a massive pile of dirty dishes stacked up in the sink.  It looked as if no one had done them in weeks!
So they sit down with her parents, and the boy decides he wants to see how much he can mess with them.  The boy stands up, walks up to his girlfriend, rips off her pants, and starts banging her in front of her parents.  The mother and father both look shocked and the girlfriend looks furious, but no one says a word.  So next the boy goes up to his girlfriend's mother, rips her clothes off, and starts banging her!  At this point there are fumes coming out of the dad's ears and the girlfriend starts to throw up, but none of them say a word.  The boy realizes that his plan didn't break any of them and starts walking back to his chair to eat.  Out of the corner of his eye, he notices that it is beginning to rain outside.  So he stops walking to his chair, and pulls out the jar of vaseline from his jacket, and the dad jumps up from his seat and yells "FINE, ILL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aebim9/a_boy_gets_a_motorcycle_for_his_18th_birthday/
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My girlfriend is from a different nation

My imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aebeqa/my_girlfriend_is_from_a_different_nation/
%
The hardest part of making skimmed milk

Is throwing the cows across a lake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aebbmm/the_hardest_part_of_making_skimmed_milk/
%
I would give my right arm.

To be ambidextrous..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aebbf0/i_would_give_my_right_arm/
%
A retiree is sitting on his porch one afternoon, when little Johnny walks by...

...pulling his little red wagon, loaded with a whole bunch of wire, behind him.
"Hey Johnny, " calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon?"
"Chicken wire, " says little Johnny.
"Whatcha gonna do with that, Johnny?" asks the retiree.
"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" says Johnny, and off he goes, pulling his wagon.
The retiree chuckles to himself, thinking little Johnny doesn't understand what chicken wire is for, and goes back to his relaxing.
About an hour later, Little Johnny comes back with about 7 chickens all wrapped up in the wire. The retiree is stunned, but again he just chuckles to himself before going inside to get ready for bed.
The next day, the retiree is back on his porch, when little Johnny goes by again, pulling his little red wagon, loaded with a tangled ball of string, behind him.
"Hey Johnny, " calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon?"
"Fishing line." says Little Johnny.
"Well, whatcha gonna do with that?" asks the retiree.
"I'm gonna catch some fish!" says little Johnny, and off he goes.
The retiree chuckles to himself, thinking there's no way Johnny can catch any fish with just the line and no pole.
But sure enough, a few hours later little Johnny comes back up the street, about a dozen salmon all tangled up in the fishing line.
The retiree shakes his head in disbelief before going inside to get ready for bed.
The next day, the retiree is in his usual spot when little Johnny comes down the street, his little red wagon carrying some kind of plant.
"Hey there, Johnny," calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon today?"
"It's a pussy willow." says little Johnny.
The retiree says "Hold on, lemme get my hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aebbe1/a_retiree_is_sitting_on_his_porch_one_afternoon/
%
I went 11 straight years without a drink. What happened?

I turned 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeb8qx/i_went_11_straight_years_without_a_drink_what/
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What do virgins and vegans have in common?

Meat doesn’t get inside of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeb8dn/what_do_virgins_and_vegans_have_in_common/
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A Native American told me my impressions of his people were culturally insensitive

I said:
“How”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeb7vm/a_native_american_told_me_my_impressions_of_his/
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-My memory is so bad

\*How bad is it?
\-How bad is what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeb6ia/my_memory_is_so_bad/
%
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident?

He’s all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeb6dn/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_lost_his_left_arm/
%
What's Michael Jackson's preferred pronoun?

Hee hee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeb4y4/whats_michael_jacksons_preferred_pronoun/
%
What kept the suicidal kid from jumping?

A rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeb152/what_kept_the_suicidal_kid_from_jumping/
%
Funny fact.

Transgender people want us to accept them for who they are.
Yet they couldn't accept themselves for who they were.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeawh7/funny_fact/
%
Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?

Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeauqh/which_countrys_capital_has_the_fastestgrowing/
%
I hear there is an academy for people who want to learn how to graft limbs onto trees.

I want to start a new branch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeasqz/i_hear_there_is_an_academy_for_people_who_want_to/
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A teenage boy walks into the kitchen to find his parents having sex. The dad turns around and gives him a cheeky wink.

Later on that evening the father hears strange noises coming from his sons room, he walks in to find his son having sex with his own grandmother. The son turns around, slips his dad a wink and says "it isn't fucking funny when it's your mum is it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeap38/a_teenage_boy_walks_into_the_kitchen_to_find_his/
%
What should you do after you sleep with a female soldier?

Salute her and say, “thank you for your cervix!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeanne/what_should_you_do_after_you_sleep_with_a_female/
%
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?
Dog: *Bark*
Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?
Dog: *Ruff*
Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?
Dog: *With the ladder*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aean8y/a_dog_runs_up_to_their_master_carrying_an_unusual/
%
I’ve noticed that all vegans look the same...

Malnourished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeagg1/ive_noticed_that_all_vegans_look_the_same/
%
I've developed a new fetish for numbers and math...

I'm constantly doing it in my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeaff5/ive_developed_a_new_fetish_for_numbers_and_math/
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Baby whale asks dad where does he come from...

Dad replies, “from my penis, son”
Baby whale: “thanks dad”
Dad: “you’re whalecum”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aeaa70/baby_whale_asks_dad_where_does_he_come_from/
%
Please upvote, I told this girl I’m funny and I wanna impress her

She’s already seen my dick and thought it was hilarious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aea6gs/please_upvote_i_told_this_girl_im_funny_and_i/
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What is it called when you bid on a bunch of crow eggs on Ebay?

Attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae9wmz/what_is_it_called_when_you_bid_on_a_bunch_of_crow/
%
My wife is a treasure

I won’t tell you where she’s buried though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae9w8q/my_wife_is_a_treasure/
%
What’s Thanos favorite drink?

Snapple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae9ukf/whats_thanos_favorite_drink/
%
If Anakin Skywalker was from a country on Earth, where would he come from?

El Salvader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae9qb7/if_anakin_skywalker_was_from_a_country_on_earth/
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What is 18 inches long, black and blue, stiff as a board, and makes women scream?

crib death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae9n36/what_is_18_inches_long_black_and_blue_stiff_as_a/
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A farmer's wife is making breakfast for her husband...

As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens".
As the wife sits down to eat, she grabs the *farmer's* crotch and tells him "if this could get hard, we could get rid of your brother".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae9l53/a_farmers_wife_is_making_breakfast_for_her_husband/
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My friend got hired off the street to be in pain reliever commercials

At the time he was just a regular guy, but now he’s an aspirin actor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae9knv/my_friend_got_hired_off_the_street_to_be_in_pain/
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Wife: I have to tell you something. I’m pregnant.

Husband: Hey pregnant, I’m dad.
Wife: No, you’re not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae9kkb/wife_i_have_to_tell_you_something_im_pregnant/
%
What does a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They can both smell it but they can’t e.a.t it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae9g5c/what_does_a_gynaecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery/
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History lesson for blondes

A history teacher has a class of 20 blondes. He asks to the class:
Can any one of you show me where America is on the map?
Nancy gets up, walks to the map and puts her finger exactly where America is.
Excellent, says the teacher. Now can anyone tell me who discovered America?
All other 19 blondes raise their arms and shout "Nancy!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae9epf/history_lesson_for_blondes/
%
Went to pick up my car after a service

I was told the keys had been locked in it.
I went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know. I already did that side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae9dg3/went_to_pick_up_my_car_after_a_service/
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3 guys go see a prostitute....

A Greek guy, an African-American guy and a Jewish guy go to see a prostitute. She said "$50 for anything you want, but your request has to be 3 words long." The Greek guy says "In your ass." $50 and she fulfills his request. The African-American guy says "Suck my dick." $50 and she fulfills his request. The Jewish guy says "Paint my house."
Best part is this was originally told to me by a Jewish guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae98xb/3_guys_go_see_a_prostitute/
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Since Mexico won’t pay for the wall

Americans will have to Putin their own money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae952e/since_mexico_wont_pay_for_the_wall/
%
Why do women hate my baked goods?

I keep offering them cream pies, but they always respond with slapping me in the face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae94ko/why_do_women_hate_my_baked_goods/
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Chernobyl is pretty good I can count on on hand how many times I’ve been

16

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae92j4/chernobyl_is_pretty_good_i_can_count_on_on_hand/
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I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.

Now I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae9246/i_managed_to_lose_my_rifle_when_i_was_in_the_army/
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I woke up in thick fog and couldn’t reach my Google drive

The cloud was down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae91gq/i_woke_up_in_thick_fog_and_couldnt_reach_my/
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Trump calls the President of China

"Congratulations on your erection, Xi," he taunted. "Good luck with your election!" Xi replied.
"What do you mean?" Trump asked.
"The wall. Good luck electing the wall," Xi responded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae915x/trump_calls_the_president_of_china/
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It was a dark time in Vegetable Land.

The neighboring Fruit Kingdom had launched an invasion months before, and the starchy defenders had fallen quickly to the acidic and citric attackers. After a long campaign, the country had finally fallen and only a few vegetables could meet underground to discuss the future of the resistance. At that bleak meeting, the last few  plants met to decide how to handle their future.
Potato spoke first.
"We must find out who is loyal to the cause and who is a collaborator. Broccoli, what do you know of the men in the grocery store?"
"Dark news, Brother Spud," the plant replied. "I heard just the other day they have begun selling goods to pineapples."
"Dark news," the potato announced. "Yet we must press on. Asparagus, what have you heard of those at the schools and universities?"
"I fear there that there is no good news from that quarter either," answered Asparagus. "Just the other day, I heard that they have begun teaching oranges. I've even heard tell a prune might be raised to the president of the Leafy Green Institute."
"Sad times," Potato replied as means of acknowledgement. As the plants sat and brooded, they realized that one brother had yet to speak. Attempting to break the silence, Potato ventured, "And Brother Celery, what news of the hospitals?"
"Nothing good," said Celery. "Did you know they did surgery on a grape?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae9040/it_was_a_dark_time_in_vegetable_land/
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The wife and I went to a bank robbers themed fancy dress party last night.

Well,I did. She stayed in the car keeping the engine running.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae8zbz/the_wife_and_i_went_to_a_bank_robbers_themed/
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I'm having a hard time getting my German Chinese fusion restaurant going.

It's called Chow Mein Kampf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae8yge/im_having_a_hard_time_getting_my_german_chinese/
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How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese schoolgirl laugh?

Ten tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae8xy1/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_japanese/
%
So I had a one night stand with C-major.

The next morning, I woke up to the horrifying realization that she's A-minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae8uxt/so_i_had_a_one_night_stand_with_cmajor/
%
I have the best doctor

Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae8mdx/i_have_the_best_doctor/
%
What do you call a psychic midget who's wanted by police?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae8lmx/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_whos_wanted_by/
%
A joke from our taxi driver in Jamaica - “What is the difference between a plane and a baby?”

One flies from city to city and one sucks from titty to titty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae8jqi/a_joke_from_our_taxi_driver_in_jamaica_what_is/
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The Pope and Folgers coffee

Folgers manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Folgers official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Folgers is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," said the Folgers man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
The Folgers guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Folgers respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae8gc6/the_pope_and_folgers_coffee/
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Jeff Bezos divorced his wife after 25 years of marriage...

I guess she's past her prime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae8dn3/jeff_bezos_divorced_his_wife_after_25_years_of/
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Life is difficult for a newly-wed couple as their house is frequently broken into by thieves.

They decide to get a guard dog to scare the thieves off, so her wife goes to the pet shop and buys the meanest looking dog. They sleep that night knowing that they're safe and are shocked by what they see in the morning. The thieves have done it again, and the dog has been sleeping like a baby ever since.
The wife goes and gets a dog even bigger, almost double the size of the previous one, hoping it would finally do the trick. The couple wakes up only to see that their new dog hasn't deterred the thieves either.
The man is getting quite pissed and the wife once more pays a visit to the pet shop. She cries to the manager about their situation and asks for help. The manager thinks for a while and goes to the back of the store. A couple of minutes later, he's back with a little cage in his hands.
He says to the woman "This little guy will be the solution to your problem." with a huge smile on his face. The woman is perplexed, as the dog is smaller than every other dog in the shop. "How is this little dog going to solve our problems?" the woman asks in disbelief. "Don't say that ma'am, this is the Karate Dog!" the manager exclaims. He sees that the woman doesn't follow, and decides to demonstrate what the dog can do.
"Karate dog chair!" he says, and the little dog lunges immediately at the manager's chair. Within seconds the chair is torn apart, left unrecognizable. "Karate dog cage!" he shouts, and within seconds the little dog rips through the metal cage, shredding it to pieces. The woman watches the dog in awe and feels very happy to finally have a solution to their problems.
She brings the dog home, proud of what she has done and shows it to her husband. The man gets furious and asks his wife, "What the hell is this?! Is this a joke?!". The woman tries to explain "Oh, but you don't understand, this is the Karate Dog, it will scare the thieves away.". The man starts shouting angrily "Are you fucking kidding me?! This little shit can't even scare a kid away, and you thought it'll solve our problem?! Karate dog my ass!!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae8797/life_is_difficult_for_a_newlywed_couple_as_their/
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I Googled "how to start a wildfire".

I got 84,500 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae82vr/i_googled_how_to_start_a_wildfire/
%
A man comes home with flowers for his wife.

She says “I guess I’m going to have to spread my legs now”
The man says “why we don’t got no vases?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae815p/a_man_comes_home_with_flowers_for_his_wife/
%
What do you get if you throw a kid into a pirhana tank at the aquarium?

some red water and a lifetime ban, apparently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae7tz8/what_do_you_get_if_you_throw_a_kid_into_a_pirhana/
%
What do birth control and brothels have in common?

They're both full of "whore-moans".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae7se0/what_do_birth_control_and_brothels_have_in_common/
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Trumpets and Guns

n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae7rna/trumpets_and_guns/
%
So I was jumping on my trampoline the other day when a group of thugs started to approach me...

So I decided to bounce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae7mu1/so_i_was_jumping_on_my_trampoline_the_other_day/
%
My wife was disgusted when she found out that men pee in the shower

But it's kind of her fault. She was standing in the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae7m8h/my_wife_was_disgusted_when_she_found_out_that_men/
%
Pirate Barrel

One day a new recruit boards a famous pirate ship and is given the tour of it.Finally, the captain shows him a big barrel with a hole on the side beneath the stairs of the ship and tells him:
-This is where we men take out some steam maety, you can use it every day of the week except for Mondays
-Ayay captain, but why not on Mondays?
-That is your day in the barrel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae7gme/pirate_barrel/
%
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Ilene.
What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene.
Where does she work as a waitress?
Ihop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae7fgx/what_do_you_call_a_girl_with_one_leg_shorter_than/
%
A man, his wife, and his friend are running from zombies during the apocalypse.

After hours of running they finally find shelter in a old pub they used to frequent, before the world was ending.
They begin scouting for supplies when the man notices blood on his wife's shirt.
"Honey, what is that there, on your clothes?" he asks her.
"Nothing!" she says quickly and turns away.
The man stops her and pulls her clothing away to reveal a nasty bite mark, still heavily bleeding.
Distraught and angry, the man locks his wife in a nearby closet to get some time to think.
"You have to kill her. You HAVE to for our safety." says the man's friend.
"I... I can't. I love her. I won't! That's my final decision!" he replies.
The man's friend pauses and then says, "Okay, but you and I both know it's gonna come back to bite you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae7eim/a_man_his_wife_and_his_friend_are_running_from/
%
Did you hear about the skirt that got murdered?

It was kilt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae7e80/did_you_hear_about_the_skirt_that_got_murdered/
%
I asked a girl what time she'd be free for a date

She said 4:04
Guess she couldn't find the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae79mc/i_asked_a_girl_what_time_shed_be_free_for_a_date/
%
A pasta chef was caught stuffing the ballot boxes at a big Broadway awards show.

Apparently, he was trying to rig a Tony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae704y/a_pasta_chef_was_caught_stuffing_the_ballot_boxes/
%
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae6zx9/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_give_me_a/
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Richard, a good friend of mine, insisted that it's now impossible to get a "repost" to the front page of /r/jokes...

"Every joke ever written has been posted to Reddit and there is nothing left to joke about." Said Richard and he even suggesting many of you would agree.
"Put your money down on the table, I bet I can get a "repost" to the front page!" I replied with a sense of regret as I soon as I said those words.
"Original content is all Reddit will accept has they have seen it all before, I'll take your bet for $100" Richard said smiling broadly.
So I'm kind of trapped. We bet $100 I could could get a "repost" to the front page.
TFW Richard reads the first letter of each new line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae6zah/richard_a_good_friend_of_mine_insisted_that_its/
%
I wonder what my parents did for fun when they were younger...

I don't know, I guess I'll go ask one of my 13 siblings...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae6ybe/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_for_fun_when_they/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got kidnapped and held in Australia?

His whole world was turned upside down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae6mje/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_kidnapped_and/
%
Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae6maq/hey_guys_youtube_recommended_me_a_video_on_how_to/
%
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued."As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae6ds3/the_6thgrade_science_teacher_mrs_parks_asked_her/
%
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae69ut/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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Doctor describes bad food

A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" An old man raises his hand and says, "Wedding cake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae69m6/doctor_describes_bad_food/
%
"Mother Superior! Mother Superior! We've discovered a case of syphilis in the convent!"

"Oh good, I was getting tired of the chardonnay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae64h7/mother_superior_mother_superior_weve_discovered_a/
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My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae60pu/my_mom_used_to_tell_me_not_to_laugh_at_others/
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DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.
September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!
September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !
October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.
October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20
- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25
- This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fucking Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fucking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4
Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
Fucking thief.
November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to fucking throttle him.
Fucking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like baked cat.
Fucking place is the end of the Earth.
November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my fucking arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fucking arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny.
It never fucking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Fuck!
November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool.
The only things that thrive in this fucking hell-hole are the fucking flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!
November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Fucking Karratha!
What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live here!
December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are fucking kidding me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae60ci/diary_of_a_pom_in_western_australia/
%
Why were the 100 cows suddenly with just 92?

They lactate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5yyg/why_were_the_100_cows_suddenly_with_just_92/
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A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a transparent negligee for his wife.

The salesgirl shows him several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5yft/a_man_enters_a_sexy_lingerie_store_to_purchase_a/
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I tried calling the spiritual leader of Tibet.

I was sent a goat with a long neck. Turns out I was calling Dial a lama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5x1w/i_tried_calling_the_spiritual_leader_of_tibet/
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You know what they say about gay relationships...

One man's junk is another man's treasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5uog/you_know_what_they_say_about_gay_relationships/
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To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5rss/to_the_person_who_stole_my_broken_bathroom_scale/
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So an English man, an American, an Asian, a blonde, Chuck Norris and Yo momma walk into a bar...

The barman asks...
Is this some kind of joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5mwz/so_an_english_man_an_american_an_asian_a_blonde/
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A man walks into a bar,

He walks away mostly unharmed except for a medium sized bruise on his forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5l6j/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Animal shelters must hire the worst people.

Everyone is always trying to rescue cats and dogs from there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5ktp/animal_shelters_must_hire_the_worst_people/
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A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.

She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door.
When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?"
The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5kgo/a_5year_old_girl_went_to_visit_her_grandmother/
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Three Mexican guys try to immigrate to the US illegally.

But they can't figure out where to hide.
One guy suggests to dress up in animal costumes and hide in a zoo.
They buy monkey costumes put them on and get into the cage with two more monkeys.
The zoo workers are suspicious of there being five monkeys in the cage.
So they decide to check if they're all real by getting a lion in the cage.
If the money is real he will stay calm but if it's not it will run and hide.
The lion walks in to the cage and the two monkeys are calm but the guys run and hide behind a bush.
The lion slowly walks up to the bush and says
"Don't worry guys I'm from Acapulco."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5kbd/three_mexican_guys_try_to_immigrate_to_the_us/
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A friend sent me a card congratulating me for doing Veganuary.

Thanks, tastiest thing I've eaten so far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5ix1/a_friend_sent_me_a_card_congratulating_me_for/
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They say you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

I didn’t want a job anymore, so I showed up to work wearing nothing, and now I don’t have a job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5hvn/they_say_you_should_dress_for_the_job_you_want/
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What car does God drive?

A christler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5gbw/what_car_does_god_drive/
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This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5fd8/this_morning_my_wife_was_in_the_kitchen_preparing/
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Do you guys remember Paul the Octopus?

The one who predicted Spain winning the World Cup some years ago?
Well, a friend of mine told me that if you get hit in the face with the ink of an octopus from there, you can see your future self and predict the future.
I called him out on it at first, but curiosity got the best of me, and I went to an aquarium near Barcelona.
I found one of those open tanks with an octopus and dunked my head in front of it.
It squirted on my face, and surprisingly, I saw what appeared to be an old version of myself happily relaxing in retirement.
Eventually, I apologized to my friend for doubting him, but what can I say?
Nobody expects the Spanish inky vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5dc2/do_you_guys_remember_paul_the_octopus/
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[NSFW] So a man is eating a $10 hooker's ass...

He's spreading her cheeks and eating her ass and sees something jump between the asscheeks:
Surprised, he says: "Hey! Hey! Are those crabs?"
And the hoe says "Well for ten bucks you really thought you'd get lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae5d6w/nsfw_so_a_man_is_eating_a_10_hookers_ass/
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Dachshunds...

They are the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae56i4/dachshunds/
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What's the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

You have to go in and ask for a coat hanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae4z2r/whats_the_worst_thing_about_locking_your_keys_in/
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Milking the situation.

So I'm just sitting there at the register and I see a customer approaching, before I can say hi, he runs past me with a gallon of milk in his hand.
Seeing the situation my manager says "that bastard just stole some milk"
And I respond "huh, how dairy"
And that's how I lost my job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae4z17/milking_the_situation/
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Why did the sperm cross the street?

Because I put on the wrong socks today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae4ohf/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_street/
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Three men go to confess their sins

When they all arrive the priest tells them that they can drink from the holy water and have all their sins forgiven.
There’s a catch, they all must commit one deeply horrible sin before they can drink.
One day later the three men are back and the priest asks each one what they did.
The first man says to the priest,”I robbed a bank at gunpoint and ran three cops off the road during the chase.” The priest nods and the man drinks from the holy water.
The second man steps up, tears in his eyes. He says to the priest, “I pushed an old lady in front of a bus.” The priest hugs him and whispers for him to drink. He does and leaves.
The third man arrives and is laughing and laughing, almost on the ground in absolute glee.
The priest is horrified to ask what he did, but he does.
The man responds, “ I pissed in the holy water.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae4o78/three_men_go_to_confess_their_sins/
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A big moron and a little moron are sitting on a fence the big moron falls off but the little moron doesn’t

Which makes sense because he was a little moron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae4jxr/a_big_moron_and_a_little_moron_are_sitting_on_a/
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What would you call a 50 cent concert featuring Nickelback?

45 cents
An oldie but a goodie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae4ij4/what_would_you_call_a_50_cent_concert_featuring/
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The two lesbians that live next door to me bought me a Rolex for Christmas

Lovely gift, but not quite what I meant when I told them “I wanna watch”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae4i4t/the_two_lesbians_that_live_next_door_to_me_bought/
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A wife was struggling opening a water bottle and asked the husband for help, "Are you turning the cap right?" He asked. "Of course!" she said.

She doesn't understand Lefty is loosey and Righty is tighty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae4h87/a_wife_was_struggling_opening_a_water_bottle_and/
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Two friends meet in a bar to drink to their friendship ...

Two friends meet in a bar to drink to their friendship.
First friend is already at the bar and bought some whiskeys when his friend enters.
He notices has the second friend has a black eye and a blue cheek, so he passes him a whiskey and asks :
- What's happening to you ?
Blue-cheek answers :
- I got a blow to the face.
- Who did you do that?
- My wife.
- Your wife? When? How? Why?
- I'm behind my wife, who's wearing a short skirt, leaning in the freezer in front of me. I see the string appear and the ball of buttocks, I lose control, I grab my wife, I cup the string and I take it from behind. What I remember is getting
a frozen pork knuckle in the face.
- Was it the first time you did that to your wife?
- At the supermarket, yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae4g2l/two_friends_meet_in_a_bar_to_drink_to_their/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

\*Insert lisp\*
Because 7 was a math murderer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae4bsw/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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What's Waluigi's favorite wine?

Pinot Niwaaaaah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae49aw/whats_waluigis_favorite_wine/
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A man walks into town and offers anyone $1000 if they can make his horse laugh.

People line up and try to make the horse laugh, they tell jokes and make a fool of themselves, but to no avail.
As the man is preparing to leave for the day a mysterious man walks up and asks if he can try, the owner agrees. The mysterious man walks up to the horse and whispers something into his ear, sure enough the horse begins laughing hysterically. The man revives his prize and went on his way.
The very next day the owner of the horse comes back to town and offers anyone $1000 if they can make his horse cry. Again people try all day with no success. Just as the owner was leaving the mysterious man arrived again. This time the man pulls down his pants, sure enough the horse begins bawling. The owner pays the man but asks him how he did it. With a smirk The mysterious man replied “yesterday I told him my dick was bigger than his, today I showed him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae46p7/a_man_walks_into_town_and_offers_anyone_1000_if/
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Two Middle-earth entomologists are looking at a small insect...

"It looks like a tick", says the first. "No, it has wings, I am certain it is a beetle", says the other.
After some arguing, they call in an expert.
Gandalf takes one look and says,
"Fly, you fools!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae4688/two_middleearth_entomologists_are_looking_at_a/
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Hmmm

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?
Nothing. You can't cross a scalar and a vector.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae465h/hmmm/
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A guy in NY orders a taxi to go cross state. The taxi pulls up, and he gets, carrying a large box which he puts in the back.

They set out driving, while the guy is looking at the box nervously every ten minutes or so. When they get to New Jersey, the man calls his wife. ''Hi honey, yes, they did give me the jewelry. I'll have it priced in Atlanta, it'd probably be 200 thousand or so. I'll call you when I'm done''.
Half an hour later, he asks the driver to pull up at the nearest gas station so he can have lunch, the driver obliges so he can fill up on gas too. The man gets out, goes to the diner, has his lunch, gets back out, and sees that the driver has run out in him with the box.
He goes back calmly to the store and asks the clerk if he has a large empty box in the back.
The clerk asks '' what'd you need it for? ''.
The guy replies ''well, I have to be in Florida tomorrow''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae42ct/a_guy_in_ny_orders_a_taxi_to_go_cross_state_the/
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An attractive blonde walks into a gynaecologist’s clinic.

The doctor takes one look at her, and all his professionalism goes out the window. He quickly invites the blonde to undress and lay back on the examination table.
He starts by placing his hands on her ample tits and begins vigorously squeezing them. He then asks, “Do you know what I’m doing?” The blonde replies, “Yes doctor, you’re thoroughly checking my breasts for any unusual lumps that could indicate cancer.”
The doctor couldn’t believe his luck, so he decided to take it further. He then instructed the blonde to spread her legs, and he proceeded to stimulate her down there. At this point he asks again, “And what am I doing now?” The blonde replies, “You’re making sure my sex organs and body responses are functioning normally.”
On hearing that, the doctor wasted no time in dropping his pants and mounting the blonde. He asks, for the heck of it, “So what do you think I’m doing now?”
“Getting herpes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae429s/an_attractive_blonde_walks_into_a_gynaecologists/
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When you think about it, brushing your teeth and sex have a lot in common.

it’s good for your health, you do it before bed, and it doesn’t happen everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae3yre/when_you_think_about_it_brushing_your_teeth_and/
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A horse walks into a bar

The bartender says "hows life"
The horse replies "stable"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae3y96/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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My jokes haven’t been hitting lately.

Call me Amy Schumer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae3xev/my_jokes_havent_been_hitting_lately/
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What do you call a pear tree that walks, talks, and has a son?

Isn't it obvious? I think it's a pear Ent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae3weg/what_do_you_call_a_pear_tree_that_walks_talks_and/
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A family of moles lived on a farm.

One morning, they wake up to the smell of fresh hot pancakes. The papa mole sticks his head up out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The mama mole sticks her head up out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The baby mole tries to stick his head up out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he says "All I can smell is molasses!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae3rmm/a_family_of_moles_lived_on_a_farm/
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they call my dick the short bus

it’s small and only retards ride it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae3ntt/they_call_my_dick_the_short_bus/
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What's the difference between a child and a nerve agent?

One is legal to eat, but illegal to obtain. The other is illegal to eat, but legal to obtain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae3n64/whats_the_difference_between_a_child_and_a_nerve/
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What do you call the sketchy parts of Italy?

The Spaghettos :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae3j0l/what_do_you_call_the_sketchy_parts_of_italy/
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3 men are walking through a forest on their way back home, when they stumble upon a lamp...

...One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae3fpl/3_men_are_walking_through_a_forest_on_their_way/
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Mexican jokes and Black jokes are pretty much the same.

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae3fi6/mexican_jokes_and_black_jokes_are_pretty_much_the/
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A man walks into a bar carrying a dog with no legs...

The bartender says, "What's your dog's name? The man replies "Cigarette". The bartender says "Why'd you name him that?" The man replies, "Because every morning, I take him out for a drag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae3bxh/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_carrying_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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An EU diplomat, a Chinese diplomat, and a Nigerian diplomat meet at an annual international summit.

They become friends while talking, and the EU diplomat suggests they go spend the summer at his holiday home. So after the summit they fly to Nice, and drive in his car down a gleaming new highway to the EU diplomat's home on the French Riviera. It has six bedrooms, three bathrooms, and a swimming pool.
"How can you afford all this?" asked the Chinese and Nigerian diplomats.
"Well, you see that highway we just drove down?" replies the EU diplomat. "I just took a little of the government's money out of it."
The next year the three meet up again at next year's summit, and this time the Chinese diplomat invites them to go to spend the summer at his home. So after the summit they fly to Beijing, and drive down a highway with lots of potholes and cracks to the Chinese diplomat's mansion in the countryside. It has fourteen bedrooms, ten bathrooms, and four swimming pools.
"How can you afford all this?" ask the EU and Nigerian diplomats.
"Well, you see that highway we just drove down?" replies the Chinese diplomat. "I just took some of the government's money out of it."
The year after, they meet up yet again at the annual summit, and this time the Nigerian diplomat invites them to his home. So after the summit they fly to Lagos, and take his private plane across acres of pristine jungle, to the Nigerian diplomat's private compound in the middle of the rainforest. It has thirty bedrooms, sixteen bathrooms, and pet dolphins swimming in the massive pool.
The EU and Chinese diplomat are amazed, and ask, "How can you afford all this?"
The Nigerian diplomat replies, "Well, you see that highway we just drove down?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae3a7r/an_eu_diplomat_a_chinese_diplomat_and_a_nigerian/
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I recently sailed around the world on one of those “once in a lifetime” cruises.

The cruise was scheduled to take 6 months, visit all 7 continents, and make port calls in over 30 different cities. I was very excited and could not wait.
The cruise began with several uneventful stops along the gulf off Mexico and down the Eastern side of South America. As we neared the south tip we began to hear warnings about the island of Nepredu.
The island of Nepredu is home to a most endangered species of bird known as the Foo. The warnings read “foo poop, although extremely disgusting, brings good luck to those who do not wash it off   but extreme bad luck to those that clean it off”.
As we drew closer to the island the announcements recommending we stay indoors became more frequent and dire. Several of my companions and I decided to see what the foo fuss was all about and ventured outside anyway.
The birds were everywhere and immediately 2 companions ran inside for fear of the foo scat. Me and 2 others stayed and received healthy doses of foo poop on each of our shoulders.
The rancid smell was too much for one and as he wiped it off he tumbled overboard and immediately drowned.
The remain companion and I took this as a sign and made no immediate attempt to clean the foul Poo from our shoulders.
As the week went on we continued to wear the poop without washing. We tried our best to ignore it.
While gambling one night we made incredible amounts of money and our luck seemed to have no end. My friend, however, drunk on success and pina coladas assumes he was just that good at gambling and could no longer take the smell of the poop and washed it off in the shower. While there he slipped, split his skull, and died instantly.
Seeing this, and seeing the results from other passengers who washed the poop, I realize the importance of keeping the poop.
I am now a multi billionaire with houses in several countries, boats, and jets. I owe it all to the spot of stinking, horrid feces resting on my shoulder. I have learned to wear it as a badge of honor.
The moral of my story and the secret to my success is: if the foo shits, wear it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae3a5a/i_recently_sailed_around_the_world_on_one_of/
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A brother and a sister are hanging out...

and the brother is barefoot. He notices his sister has been staring at his feet for awhile, so he asks,
Bro: “What’s up, why are you staring at my feet?”
Sis: “Well, i was just curious...”
Bro: “About?”
She points to his big toe
Sis: “Is that the process which mother cells undergo in order to make daughter cells?”
Bro: “No, that’s my toe, sis”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae38qj/a_brother_and_a_sister_are_hanging_out/
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I wish I can be ugly for just one day

because being ugly every day is sad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae36o3/i_wish_i_can_be_ugly_for_just_one_day/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae35fg/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

As soon as he steps in, the monkey jumps off his shoulder and begins exploring the bar.
The monkey grabs a handful of beer nuts and scarfs them down.  Then he grabs a fish from the large fish tank and eats it.  Lastly, he grabs the cue ball from the pool table and swallows it whole.
Meanwhile, the guy sits down at the bar and the bartender, totally enraged by this display, walked up to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No," the guy responded, "what did he do?"
The bartender slammed his fist on the counter, "He just ate the damn cue ball!"
The guy put his hands up, "No need to get so stressed, bro.  Tell you what:  Here's enough money to buy another cue ball and my drink."
The bartender angrily accepts the money, and shortly afterwards the guy and his pet monkey leave the bar.
A week later, the same guy comes back to the bar with his pet monkey.
Just like before, the monkey jumps off the guy's shoulder but this time goes straight to the jar of maraschino cherries.
The monkey takes a cherry out, sticks it up his butt, takes it out, and eats it.
The bartender approaches the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No," the guy responds, "what did he do?"
The bartender again slammed his fist on the counter, "He just stuck a cherry up his ass, took it out, and ate it!"
"Yeah, I'm not surprised," the guy chuckled.  "He learned to measure what he eats after he had your damn cue ball."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae352s/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
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What did the r/memer say to his Instagram meme friend when he was showing him old memes?

I’ve reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae34v6/what_did_the_rmemer_say_to_his_instagram_meme/
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Grateful Girl

A man goes into his usual bar and says to the bartender, "You'll never guess what happened to me last night!"
Bartender says, "What happened?"
"Well", says the man, "After I left here I was walking home on my usual route when I saw a girl tied to the railways tracks. I ran over to her and untied her and took her back to my place. Well, she was so grateful that we ended up having sex right there in the hallway as soon as we got through the door. Then again on the stairs and up to my bedroom where we had sex the whole night long. It was absolutely amazing!"
"Wow!", says the bartender, "Was she pretty?"
"Don't know", says the guy, "Didn't find the head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae34j3/grateful_girl/
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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae34io/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
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Where do flying pigs land?

The airpork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae2xv6/where_do_flying_pigs_land/
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What do unvaccinated children and mocking antivaxxers have in common?

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae2xuo/what_do_unvaccinated_children_and_mocking/
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A perfect man, perfect woman and Santa get into a car...

As they’re driving on the road, they lose control, run off the road and into a tree. Only one of them survive though. Which one is it?
The answer is that Santa doesn’t exist. There’s no such thing as a perfect man so the only one actually in the car was the woman. Which explains why there was an accident in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae2vrk/a_perfect_man_perfect_woman_and_santa_get_into_a/
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Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips?

So they can piss & moan at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae2tf0/why_did_god_give_woman_2_sets_of_lips/
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Boob job

Wifey wanted to get a boob job to up her cup size, so she asks her husband what he thinks. He replies:"Boob jobs are very expensive, why don't you just rub toilet paper between your boobs, it'll make them grow in no time!"
Wife:"Really, you really think it'll work???"
Husband:"Well, it worked on your ass, didn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae2q7r/boob_job/
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What do you call an undercover maid?

A sweeper agent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae2plv/what_do_you_call_an_undercover_maid/
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What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae2oyk/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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Heard a joke once

Man goes to doctor, says he's depressed. Life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in threatening world. Doctor says treatment is simple. "The great clown Pagliacci is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. "But doctor," he says. "I am Pagliacci."
Good joke.  Everybody laugh.  Roll on snare drum.  Curtains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae2obi/heard_a_joke_once/
%
Why is it that when other people wear their uniforms in the airport people clap?

But when I wear my uniform people shout things like
"It's an escaped convict! Run!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae2ntg/why_is_it_that_when_other_people_wear_their/
%
A nurse reaches to her front pocket and grabs a rectal thermometer

"Fuck... Some asshole has my pen .."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae2hn4/a_nurse_reaches_to_her_front_pocket_and_grabs_a/
%
I caught my son googling really sketchy porn sites, and I was completely heartbroken.

We are strictly a Bing family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae2bbh/i_caught_my_son_googling_really_sketchy_porn/
%
What's the longest sentence in the English language?

"I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae28sg/whats_the_longest_sentence_in_the_english_language/
%
Ted

A well known guy around town named Ted just left the bank in a hurry, sprinting toward a bus stop.  The bus arrives, the driver sees the man running and leaves in a panic just before Ted makes it.    He was surprised, EVERYONE knew Ted.  "Why didn't the driver stop?" He wondered. Then it hit him, Ted was wearing a ski mask so the driver must not have recognized him.
But that couldn't have been it, because not but a second later someone ran up behind him yelling, "Your bus, Ted!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae27ff/ted/
%
Why are cats afraid of dogs?

Cause theyre pussies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae24co/why_are_cats_afraid_of_dogs/
%
A baby seal walks into a club.

I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae21jl/a_baby_seal_walks_into_a_club/
%
How many female priests are there?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae20dx/how_many_female_priests_are_there/
%
A mathematician, physicist, and statistician go hunting

They find a deer and take aim.
The mathematician shoots and misses 5 meters to the left.
The physicist shoots and misses 5 meters to the right.
The statistician jumps up and down and shouts, "We got it! We got it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae1pje/a_mathematician_physicist_and_statistician_go/
%
BDSM is supposedly a hit with the youth

But it's just something I'd rather not get tied up in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae1p4r/bdsm_is_supposedly_a_hit_with_the_youth/
%
What do you call it when two Japanese hens finish a race at the same time?

A hen-tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae1k9p/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_japanese_hens_finish/
%
If you like Discord and you like reposts, join the r/jokes Discord server.

**Guaranteed reposts.**
https://discord.gg/jokes
##Recently reached 10k members and 10M reposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae1j6g/if_you_like_discord_and_you_like_reposts_join_the/
%
I know lots of jokes about unemployed people...

But none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae175d/i_know_lots_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
Everything south of the border is a sea of violence and crime.

Luckly, I live in Greenland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae147i/everything_south_of_the_border_is_a_sea_of/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae13p3/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80_years/
%
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!"
And Carl says "I shit. You knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae1315/carl_is_in_the_10th_year_of_a_life_sentence_when/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but...

I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae0zny/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_i_dont/
%
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Farmer: Wheres my tractor?
Heard on Americas Funniest Home Videos 20+ years ago as a teenager. My stoned ass couldnt stop laughing at the stupidness of this joke as told by a 6 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae0xy8/what_did_the_farmer_say_when_he_lost_his_tractor/
%
I know that dogs can't operate an MRI

but I know Catscan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae0ure/i_know_that_dogs_cant_operate_an_mri/
%
What do you call a black man who has just paid off his house loan?

Mortgage Freeman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae0u9f/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_who_has_just_paid/
%
I got kicked out of a shoe store for trying to leave without paying for an item.

They gave me the boot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae0qkp/i_got_kicked_out_of_a_shoe_store_for_trying_to/
%
Trump's gonna build the wall out of...

Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae0qcy/trumps_gonna_build_the_wall_out_of/
%
Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt...

He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again"
Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned"
The drunk guy thinks this is an awesome solution and proceeds to get home. His wife is waiting for him and starts yelling at him "You got drunk and puked on your shirt again, didn't you?"
The guy says "No, what happened is that I was at the bar and this guy puked on me, but he put 10 dollars in my shirt pocket so I can have it cleaned"
Wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out 2 $10 dollar bills and says "This is not 10 dollars, this is 20!"
Guy says "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae0nk6/guy_at_the_bar_is_so_wasted_that_he_throws_up_on/
%
A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
Offended, she turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!"
The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae0mzy/a_crowded_city_at_a_busy_bus_stop_a_beautiful/
%
Constipated mathematician

Why did the constipated mathematician go to the toilet with a pencil?
So he could work it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae0jmj/constipated_mathematician/
%
I could tell jokes about Peter Pan all night.

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae0hya/i_could_tell_jokes_about_peter_pan_all_night/
%
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae0eie/my_first_highschool_football_game_was_a_lot_like/
%
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.

Me: Yes, twice, accidentally.
Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower?
Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae0dao/my_wife_asked_me_if_ive_ever_peed_in_the_shower/
%
A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library."
So, the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae0c7r/a_blonde_walks_into_a_library_and_says_can_i_have/
%
A man walks into a doctor's office.

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor?
"Well, I have five dicks." says the man.
"What the hell?" says the doctor, "I've never seen that before!  How do your pants fit?"
The man responds, "Like a glove."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae09zh/a_man_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
%
Retired nurse wants to join biker gang

This retired nurse wanted to join a biker gang. It was in the 70’s and times were different.  They had to interview her first, to see if she was tough enough. They said that they had to ask her 3 questions. The biker asked her if she drank. She replied “Hell yes I drink!  I was at the bar last night and drank a whole bottle of Jim Beam!”  They were surprised.  Biker them asked her if she’d ever been in a fight.  She said “ well, some old fuck tried to kiss me last night,  and I busted him over the head with that bottle.”    They were impressed but had one more question. The biker gets real close to get face and asks “You ever been picked up by the Fuzz?” That was a 70s term for police. She thought for a minute then said “ no, but I’ve been swung around by the tits once.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae0860/retired_nurse_wants_to_join_biker_gang/
%
Why is “1024 MB” the best name for a band?

You’ve always got a gig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ae02zd/why_is_1024_mb_the_best_name_for_a_band/
%
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it’s an alcoholic, considering all the bars it frequents, to which the horse replies,"I don't think I am."

POOF!  The horse disappears.
This is the point in time in which any philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle,  as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of cogito ergo sum, or roughly, "I think, therefore I am."
But to explain that concept  beforehand  would be putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adzq8r/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_asks_the/
%
A young man meets a beautiful older woman

Eventually they start dating and the young man decides to tell his father about his new girlfriend. Upon seeing a photo of the woman the father is visibly upset.
"Thats my mother, you idiot" he tells the son. This confuses the son
"I dont understand" he says "All these years you were with MY mother but when i start going out with YOURS theres a problem"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adzpq1/a_young_man_meets_a_beautiful_older_woman/
%
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger...

Then it hit me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adzo2d/i_was_wondering_why_the_ball_kept_getting_bigger/
%
Personal trainer just got sentenced to 10 years for dealing coke.

Just goes to show that you can never really know someone.
I didn’t even know he was a personal trainer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adzmu2/personal_trainer_just_got_sentenced_to_10_years/
%
Dad and son are watching a movie when the sex scene starts...

Dad:-"Son, its time for you to go to bed."
Son:-"But dad, I'm 16. I know everything about sex."
Dad:-"I don't give a crap how old you are. You are not watching me jack off! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adzlgv/dad_and_son_are_watching_a_movie_when_the_sex/
%
Mother Superior calls allbthe nuns to a meeting.

All 100 nuns show up wondering what this meeting is about.
"We have discovered that one of you has had sexual intercourse" states the Mother Superior.
99 of the nuns gasp.
"Hehehe," laughs one nun.
"We have also found a condom that was used."
99 of the nuns gasp.
"Hehehe," laughs one nun
"We also discovered that the condom broke."
One nun gasps.
Hehehe laughs the other 99 nuns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adzk46/mother_superior_calls_allbthe_nuns_to_a_meeting/
%
Nun on a bus

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"
"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.
Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I know how you can screw her: On Sundays, she prays at the local cemetery. While she is praying, dress as God and she'll have sex with you. Put on a mask, robes, and a lot of glitter."
That Sunday, the man takes the advice, gets into the costume and hides behind a gravestone. Shortly, the nun appears and prays.
The man pops out from the gravestone and declares, "I am God, and I command you to have sex with me."
The nun replies, "Sure, but only if we have anal sex."
So they have anal sex.
After sex the man rips off his mask and laughs, I'm not God! I'm that man from the bus! Ha!"
Immediately the nun rips off her mask and says "Ha! I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adzetv/nun_on_a_bus/
%
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adze83/my_wife_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out_instead_of/
%
NSFW Wiping your butt with a dollar

Two hunters are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, one of them has to relieve himself.
In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees were bare of leaves.
“Damn.” he says to his buddy. “I really gotta take a crap, and I totally forgot the TP! I don’t think I can hold it much longer either!”
The hunter’s friend replied “Well, do you have a dollar on you? It’s worked for me in a pinch once or twice.”
“Great idea!” The first hunter said as he was already climbing down from the stand. He quickly disappeared into the woods.
A half an hour came and went, and the second hunter was beginning to worry about his friend. Just before he was about to climb down and go look for his buddy, he hears a noise, and his buddy come crashing through the brush.
There stood his friend, wearing only his underwear and boots, holding his now completely shit-stained clothing. Utterly confused, the hunter asks his friend, “What the hell happened? I thought I told you to use a dollar!”
To which his friend replied “I’d like to see you wipe your ass with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adze0h/nsfw_wiping_your_butt_with_a_dollar/
%
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?

You become Megadeaf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adzdic/what_happens_if_you_listen_to_metal_too_loudly/
%
A duck walks into a bar...

A duck walks into a bar, and orders a pint.
"That's amazing, a talking duck!" says the barkeep, as he pours the duck's drink. "You should join the circus!"
"Why?" Replied the duck, "do they need an electrician?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adz99v/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do boobs have nipples?

cause if they didn't have nipples they'd be pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adz96h/why_do_boobs_have_nipples/
%
Losing my virginity was alot like how i learned to ride my bike

My Dad having a firm grip on my shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adz8ga/losing_my_virginity_was_alot_like_how_i_learned/
%
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adz6eq/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
%
Your momma is so fat...

The souls of her feet are in hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adz54y/your_momma_is_so_fat/
%
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”
She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”
The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”
The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”
“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”
The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adz49b/a_cop_sees_an_old_woman_carrying_two_large_sacks/
%
A monk walks into a data center

And says to the owner, "Great things will come to you if you allow me to store my R.E.A.P device here."
The owner, confused, asks what a R.E.A.P device is. The monk smiles and writes a little note to the man that states: "It doesn't matter what it is but you will get great karma for R.E.A.P Hosting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adz2bj/a_monk_walks_into_a_data_center/
%
Girls in Bangkok are like a box of chocolates.

You never know which one has nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adyzsj/girls_in_bangkok_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Two German doctors in their 90's chat about past times.

The first one asks: "Hans, did you ever have any professional blunder?"
"I haven't", Hans responds "Yet, there's one thing that went horribly wrong."
He continues: "I didn't know Hitler was dyslexic, when he cut himself I shouldn't have recommended an antiseptic cleansing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adyyz9/two_german_doctors_in_their_90s_chat_about_past/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adywuq/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
What’s the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?

People from Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but people from ABU DHABI DOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adyr47/whats_the_difference_between_people_from_dubai/
%
Damn mice...

What do you call a group of terrorist mice?
MISIS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adypn8/damn_mice/
%
Cancer isn't that hard to beat

Im already on stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adynji/cancer_isnt_that_hard_to_beat/
%
A father was teaching his son math.

"Okay, son, we already went through this. What is 2+2?"
"Three", said the son.
"Okay. Let's try again", said dad, and pointed two fingers of his left hand, and then two more, of his right hand, "How many fingers do I hold?"
"Five!", said the boy, enthusiastically.
"Oh God", the father was getting impatient. "You know what? I will knock twice, and twice more, and you count how many knocks are there. Okay?"
"Okay, dad", said his son.
"Knock, knock, knock, knock", the father knocked.
"Dad, someone's at the door!"
"God damn it! It's me, son!"
"Come in, dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adyjsm/a_father_was_teaching_his_son_math/
%
I was in a hospital waiting room.

There was a sign on the door near me that said: "Medical services here...You won't get better."
So I left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adybph/i_was_in_a_hospital_waiting_room/
%
What's the difference between a weapons factory and a children's hospital?

Don't ask me buddy. I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ady8zq/whats_the_difference_between_a_weapons_factory/
%
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ady5b3/what_does_a_pregnant_teenage_girl_and_her_baby/
%
The U.S Government has been shut down

You could say its hit a wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ady3dy/the_us_government_has_been_shut_down/
%
Different types of lines

Straight line
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Dotted line
\_\_\_ \_\_\_ \_\_\_ \_\_\_
Stories of someone inhaling hookah
\_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ady1df/different_types_of_lines/
%
How do the French turn on their computers?

By pressing Ctrl+Alt+Retreat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ady19f/how_do_the_french_turn_on_their_computers/
%
There’s 10 types of people in this world...

Those who understand binary, and those who don’t, and those who weren’t expecting a tertiary joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxxs4/theres_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
It's known as PMS.

I call it ovary-acting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxxq3/its_known_as_pms/
%
Personal trainer just got 10 years for dealing coke

I’ve been going to him for years. Just shows you never really know someone.
I genuinely had no idea he was a personal trainer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxwvt/personal_trainer_just_got_10_years_for_dealing/
%
A Scotsman, Englishman, and Beyonce are on a train

The train had just left a tunnel, the Scotsman and Beyonce were acting as nothing happened, while the Englishman nurses a sore face.
The Englishman is thinking " The Scotsman must have kissed Beyonce and she slapped him, but missed and got me instead"
Beyonce is thinking " The Englishman must have tried to kiss me, but missed and got the Scotsman so he got slapped for it"
The Scotsman is thinking " This is great! The next time we go through a tunnel, I'll make that kissing noise and slap the Englishman again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxu1h/a_scotsman_englishman_and_beyonce_are_on_a_train/
%
So my dad has a Mexican midget friend nicknamed paragraph

When I asked why he told me it’s because he’s too short to be an Essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxsog/so_my_dad_has_a_mexican_midget_friend_nicknamed/
%
So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxsmr/so_my_brother_works_at_a_research_facility_his/
%
A giraffe's neck is so strong a human can climb up it

Also, I'm banned from my local zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxqt9/a_giraffes_neck_is_so_strong_a_human_can_climb_up/
%
My girlfriend and I decided to get married

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the door
I opened the door, and sprinted towards my vehicle. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
Moral of the story? Always keep the condoms in the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxqsp/my_girlfriend_and_i_decided_to_get_married/
%
A group of engineering students and their teacher are sitting on a plane.

They are then informed that the plane that they were sitting on was the one they built and designed.  The engineering students all fled the aircraft because they didn't trust their own work. However, the teacher remained seated. When asked why, he replied: " If I know these guys as well as I think I do, I know this plane won't even get off the runway!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxq1y/a_group_of_engineering_students_and_their_teacher/
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A black Jewish boy runs home from school

He asks his dad, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxp7d/a_black_jewish_boy_runs_home_from_school/
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What are the 5 worst reasons to be an egg?

You only get laid once, you only get hard once, you only get eaten once, the only person to sit on your face is your mom, and you come in a box with 11 other guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxlai/what_are_the_5_worst_reasons_to_be_an_egg/
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It would be really unfortunate to have trees as breasts,

Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxjr2/it_would_be_really_unfortunate_to_have_trees_as/
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A blonde and a brunette own a cattle ranch

Their bull's gotten a bit old and his about ready for the meat processor, so they decide that the brunette will head over out to another town to buy one. The brunette explains:
"We have $1000 to get that bull, that's all. I'm going to head to town with the Corolla and try to find us one. If I find one, I'll send a telegram you so that you can come and pick him up with the big truck"
The brunette heads into town and finds a suitable bull for the ranch at $999 and buys it. With $1 left, she heads over to the telegram office and asks the clerk:
- How much is it to send a telegram?
- Well hi there ma'am, our telegrams come at a cost of $1 per word.
- Ok, I only have $1 and I let to need my friend know that she can come and pick our new bull with the truck.
The brunette thinks for a minute and says:
- OK, here's the word I want you to send: "COMFORTABLE".
- Comfortable? Are you sure, ma'am?
- Oh yeah, she reads REAL slow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxhx0/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_own_a_cattle_ranch/
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Anyone know why Waldo wears stripes?

He doesn't want to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxg3r/anyone_know_why_waldo_wears_stripes/
%
A guy walks into a bar owned by eminem

The gus says "i want 2 shots of ..."
The bartender cuts him off "you only get one shot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adxdck/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_owned_by_eminem/
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[BREAKING NEWS] A bomb has just exploded in a Paris cheese shop.

Eyewitnesses report there is currently de Brie all over the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adx9vx/breaking_news_a_bomb_has_just_exploded_in_a_paris/
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Why do graveyards have fences around them?

To keep people out. They're dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adx60q/why_do_graveyards_have_fences_around_them/
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Why don’t Mexicans teach drivers ed and sex ed in the same day?

They had to give the donkey a break at some poont

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adx249/why_dont_mexicans_teach_drivers_ed_and_sex_ed_in/
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Why don't kleptomaniacs enjoy puns

Because they're always taking things literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adx0hy/why_dont_kleptomaniacs_enjoy_puns/
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My friends say that my personality is layered, like an Onion...

As you pull the layers back, you continue to find the same thing and start crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adwsmg/my_friends_say_that_my_personality_is_layered/
%
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adwsix/waiter_how_do_you_like_your_steak_sir/
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Mike was a man who lived by himself

Though not exactly rich, he did well by himself, and worked hard and well at his job.  One day, he received news that it looked like his business was going to be shut down.  Mike worried about it, working harder, but his job closed just the same and, after a month out of work, he was low on finances and it looked that the bank was about to foreclose on his house.
In desperation, he dropped to his knees and prayed "God, I know we don't talk much, but I'm in a big way here.  Please let me win the lottery, and I'll go to church every Sunday and pray before every meal."
Sadly, he didn't win the lottery, and the bank foreclosed on his house, leaving him with just his car.  He lived out of his car for a while, but with no shower and a limited wardrobe, he was unable to get a job.  Eventually, his bank notified him that, unless he was able to continue paying off his car, they would have to confiscate it.  Once again, Mike dropped to his knees and prayed.
"Father, I can't afford to lose my car.  If I lose this, I lose all I have!  Please let me win the lottery!"
But Mike didn't win the lottery this time either, and the bank took his car.  Homeless and on the streets, Mike wandered for a time, before eventually contracting pneumonia.  Down at the edge of the riverbed, with no way to pay for medicine or treatment, he gave one last bitter prayer.
"God, I'm going to die here.  The money would fix all my problems, and I'd be able to get on my feet again.  Please, let me win the lottery!"
There was a peal of thunder and the ground shook.  The clouds rolled back, and a brilliant light shone from the heavens.  A voice, rich and powerful, spoke from the clouds.
"Mike, meet me half way.  At least buy a ticket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adwo9j/mike_was_a_man_who_lived_by_himself/
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Penis Insurance

An extra smart guy was trying to pull the leg of insurance agent, and asks him: “Do you do Penis Insurance?”
Agent: “Yes sir, we do Penis Insurance.”
Man: “You replace with a new one?”
Agent: “No sir. Once it stops to work, we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of your Life”
Man: You fucker!!
Agent: Yes sir, you have an option to make me that in your policy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adwo4b/penis_insurance/
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Two men are on a hunting trip

The drive up north was long and excruciating, and there were no rest stops, so when they get to their camp, they’re already extraordinarily tired. However, they only have two days, so they figure they should start right away.
The men split up and wait for deer for several hours. The first man, after about three hours, realizes he has to shit. Badly. Since they’re in the middle of the woods, there isn’t anywhere for him to go, so he just takes a dump behind the tree and wipes with a few leaves. He then falls asleep leaning against the tree since he barely had any sleep.
The other man waits for a while before he finds a deer which he shoots and kills. Wanting to show his friend, he runs to his post only to find his friend sleeping next to a pile of his own shit. This gives the man an idea.
He runs back to the deer and guts it, and places its intestines right underneath his sleeping friend so he’ll think he shit his intestines out. Then he runs back to his post and wait.
About an hour later, the first man comes sprinting towards the other with a panicked look. He goes,
“Dude, you won’t believe this, but I just shit my intestines out and took a nap!”
The other man, hiding a smirk, says,
“No way. That’s insane. Are you okay??”
His friend replies,
“Oh, yeah. Don’t worry. I managed to get them all back in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adwmu8/two_men_are_on_a_hunting_trip/
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What is a hippo's favourite dessert?

Hippopota-mousse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adwk9e/what_is_a_hippos_favourite_dessert/
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A guy walks into a bar and notices many cuts of beef suspended from the ceiling several feet above his head.

The guy orders a drink and asks the bartender about the meat.
The bartender replies, "It's a contest I run here. You get one try. If you can jump high enough to touch one of them, you get the money in the pot . If you miss, you have to put $500 in. You want to try?"
The guy thinks for a second and says, "No, thanks. The steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adwe1z/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_notices_many_cuts_of/
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A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse

but she was just pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adwcgn/a_blind_girl_once_told_me_i_was_hung_like_a_horse/
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A farmer has three daughters...

Who all have dates on the same night. Considering how protective the farmer is as a father, he sat and waited for the boys with a shotgun in hand.
The first boy showed up: “I’m Eddy, lookin’ for Betty. We plan on spaghetti from Teddy’s, is she ready?”
The farmer took a good look at the boy, took him as alrighty, and sent the two off.
The next boy came by. Again the farmer waited in anticipation.
The next boy goes: “Hi I’m Bo, lookin’ for Jo. We’re planning on Moe’s for the picture show, she set to go?”
The farmer thought this boy to be alright as well and sent the two off.
The farmer waits for the third boy.
“Hi I’m Buck-“
Bang the farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adwccg/a_farmer_has_three_daughters/
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What did one strawberry say to the other?

If you weren't so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adwbst/what_did_one_strawberry_say_to_the_other/
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While riding my Harley

I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a
very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my
wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked
her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch, I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adwbf6/while_riding_my_harley/
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And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life."

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adwaeq/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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Sherlock and Watson on camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adwa0j/sherlock_and_watson_on_camping_trip/
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The Bar Jar Challenge

*Seeing as I just typed this whole bastard from memory for an /r/AskReddit thread, I thought y'all might enjoy it too:*
A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender says, "People can pay their $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests," asks the man.
Bartender says, 'you gots to pay up first."
So the guy puts in his $10
"OK, here's what you gotta do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila all at once, and not so much as flinch while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to go out there, and pull his tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta hop on the job until she's had enough."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm no idiot. No wonder the jar is full, that's impossible!"
Later that night, after several whiskeys, the man gets up his nerve and slurringly shouts to the bartender, "where'zat tuhkeelahz?"
The bartender happily grabs the bottle of pepper tequila, and hands it to the man who proceeds to down it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't flinch. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge ruckus outside. Barking...yelping...growling...then silence!
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar all cut up and bloody, with his shirt ripped all to shit.
"NOW," he says, "where'zat ol' bitch with the toothache?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adw9kn/the_bar_jar_challenge/
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What do you call a girl that doesn't give head?

You don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adw5wx/what_do_you_call_a_girl_that_doesnt_give_head/
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I was really surprised to find that my mirror could talk

It said, “you really are fucking lonely aren’t you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adw2vk/i_was_really_surprised_to_find_that_my_mirror/
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A guy asked a girl in the library

"Do you mind if i seat beside you?"
The girl replied with a loud voice"
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice:
"500$ FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ears:
"I study Law and know how to make someone feel guilty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adw29c/a_guy_asked_a_girl_in_the_library/
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Got a birthday card today it never said who it was from, when i opened it a bunch of rice fell out.

Must have been from my uncle Ben.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adw0na/got_a_birthday_card_today_it_never_said_who_it/
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What did B-Real from Cypress Hill say when his daughter came downstairs in a skimpy dress...?

You ain’t going out like that, you ain’t going out like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/advztc/what_did_breal_from_cypress_hill_say_when_his/
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A pioneer in a wagon was on a trail heading west when he came across an Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground

He stops perplexed at the sight.  And he hears the Indian speak slowly and softly.
"Settlers, covered wagon, man, woman, two children, a dog with a limp."
Amazed, the pioneer said, "You can tell all of that just by putting your head to the ground."
"No," said the Indian.  "They ran me over about an hour ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/advu6o/a_pioneer_in_a_wagon_was_on_a_trail_heading_west/
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I used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality

but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/advtws/i_used_to_be_into_sadism_necrophilia_and/
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I wanted to step up my squash game...

So I bought a bigger hammer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/advr6l/i_wanted_to_step_up_my_squash_game/
%
My wife said that if this gets 100,000 upvotes, we could try fisting

She even promised that she would take off her rings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/advqsn/my_wife_said_that_if_this_gets_100000_upvotes_we/
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Three turtles decide to go on a picnic

Three  turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic.  Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.  So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho.  Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.  Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise.  After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless.  "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts.  "We promised."
Five more days pass.  Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.  But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.
"Just for that, I'm not going."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/advpx1/three_turtles_decide_to_go_on_a_picnic/
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My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/advnkc/my_boss_tried_to_fire_me_for_using_my_paid/
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A father was washing a car with his son

After they were done the son asked, “Why couldn’t we have used a sponge?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/advjxf/a_father_was_washing_a_car_with_his_son/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were walking through a park...

They passed three women sitting on a bench each eating a banana.  All three women greeted Sherlock Holmes "Good afternoon Mr. Holmes."  and Sherlock acknowledged each woman with a nod and a smile.
When they were some distance away, Dr. Watson turned to him and asked "Sherlock do you know those women?".
Sherlock answered "No I do not know the nun, the prostitute and the new bride".
Surprised by his answer, Dr. Watson asked "if you don't know them how do you know that one is a nun, one is a prostitute and one is a new bride?".
"Elementary my dear Watson!!!"  Sherlock exclaimed.
"The first woman peeled the banana and broke the fruit into pieces before eating it.  With her being that reserved, modest, and shy, I concluded that she was a nun.
The second woman peeled the banana, put the fruit in her mouth as much as she can before she bit into it.  The absence of a gag reflex tells me that she is accustomed to putting things deep in her mouth so I surmised that she is a prostitute."
Watson was impressed.  "But what about the third woman, how did you know she was a new bride?" he asked.
"That was easy. She peeled the fruit, then put her left hand behind her head and pushed it towards the fruit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/advjgr/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_were_walking/
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Just finished my annual colonoscopy.

Had my doctor write a note to prove my wife wrong about my head being up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/advidc/just_finished_my_annual_colonoscopy/
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School project: how far can a frog leap

For a science project a student wanted to see how far a frog can leap when you yell at it.
He puts a frog in front of him and yells. The frog leaps 2 meters. He writes this down in his booklet: Frog leaps 2 meters.
He cuts off one of the legs of the frog, puts him in front of him and yells. The frog leaps 1 meter. "Very interesting." He says when writing it down: frog with 1 leg leaps 1 meter.
Now he cuts off the other leg and puts the frog in front of him and yells but nothing happens. He yells again but still nothing happens. He takes his booklet and writes: frog with no legs go deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/advg73/school_project_how_far_can_a_frog_leap/
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Shooting tips

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.
"Could you give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -- tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Sure will."
The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it -- that'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/advepf/shooting_tips/
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A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but saran wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/advd0h/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
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What follows 16 sodium atoms?

Batman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/advazu/what_follows_16_sodium_atoms/
%
What do you call a guy's freakout?

Hispanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adva6b/what_do_you_call_a_guys_freakout/
%
Time flies...

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adva4o/time_flies/
%
Why do women wear panties?

Because it's the law. The health and safety act of 1974 clearly states:
(4)(b)1: All manholes must be covered when not in use

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adv4v5/why_do_women_wear_panties/
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I tried to catch a fog.

I mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adv28h/i_tried_to_catch_a_fog/
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Two hunters are walking in the woods

when one of them collapses, so the other calls 911 and says “Help I think my friend died” so the operator says “First make sure he is dead” then a gunshot is heard and the guy comes back and says “ok now what”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adv0tf/two_hunters_are_walking_in_the_woods/
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My dog kept growling at my girlfriend's toddler when he would punch him or pull his fur. It broke my heart to get rid of him

But now the problem is keeping the dog from digging him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aduy9t/my_dog_kept_growling_at_my_girlfriends_toddler/
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I'm great friends with 25 letters in the alphabet...

but I don't know 'Y'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aduwfh/im_great_friends_with_25_letters_in_the_alphabet/
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I visited my girlfriend today...

I visited my girlfriend today and while we were together I cracked a joke and I did hear laughter.
It came from the wardrobe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adussf/i_visited_my_girlfriend_today/
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What do you get when you mix human DNA and a goat?

Banned from the petting zoo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aduq5j/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_human_dna_and_a_goat/
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I Hate Engineer Students

I hate engineer students, they always walk around saying "I'm an engineer" this, or "I'm an engineer" that.
You don't hear a math student say "i'm a mathematician" or an art student say "i'm a barista".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adum8q/i_hate_engineer_students/
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A Priest is riding on a taxi when...

suddenly, a drunk driver slams into his taxi, killing both the 2 drivers and the priest. They end up at the pearly gates where the drunk driver is condemned to hell, but both the priest and the taxi driver are let through to heaven.
Peter leads them on till they reach an enormous mansion that is the most beautiful thing either of them have ever seen. Peter says to the taxi driver, "This is your reward for eternity. Well done and welcome to heaven."
Peter then leads the priest onwards. As they continue on, the houses are getting even bigger and the priest is getting very excited, thinking, "If the taxi driver's reward was so big, just imagine how big mine will be."
They turn a corner to face a small shack with a roof that has many holes. The priest is gobsmacked and asks Peter, "Why is my house so small and falling apart? The taxi driver's house was so beautiful and gorgeous. I spent my life in the service of our Lord while he spent his time driving!"
Peter takes a look at his notes and says, "I see what went wrong. While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aduksw/a_priest_is_riding_on_a_taxi_when/
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Guys I think I'm cursed.

Everything I eat turns into shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aduke8/guys_i_think_im_cursed/
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My dad just told me his favourite WWII joke and told him I'd share it

During the war in a concentration camp the POWs were made to line up. The first person would say; "Tik" then the person behind him would need to respond with; "Tok" So they did.
It went
"Tik, Tok, tik, Tok, Tik" until the man behind him also said "tik", this made the German officer mad who marched up to him, looked him dead in the eye and said:
"DO WHAT WE SAY! WHEN HAVE WAYS TO MAKE YOU TOK"
(Sorry for crappy writing, not the best)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aduiwk/my_dad_just_told_me_his_favourite_wwii_joke_and/
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As soon as they put me in that hospital gown...

I knew my end was in sight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aduib4/as_soon_as_they_put_me_in_that_hospital_gown/
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2 dumb blondes...

were walking thru the woods and came upon a set of tracks.
"those are deer tracks." says one
"no, those are bear tracks" says the other.
then the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adufzu/2_dumb_blondes/
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What is politics?

A son asks the father: **"What is politics?"**
Then the father says, **"Well, son, that's easy.**
**Look, I'll bring the money home, so I'm the capitalist (the income).**
**Your mother manages the money, she is the government.**
**Grandpa takes care that everything here has its order, so he is the union.**
**Our maid is the working class.**
**We all have only one thing in mind, namely your well-being, because you are the people.**
**Your brother, who is still a baby, is the future.**
**Do you understand that, son? "**
The son is not sure and would like to sleep over it.
At night, he awakes because his little brother has made in the diapers and screaming terrible. Since he does not know what to do, he goes to his parents' bedroom. There lies only the mother and sleeps so deep that he can not wake her. So he goes on to the maid's room, where the father is having a good time with the young woman while Grandpa watches unobtrusively through the window. Everyone is so busy that they do not realize the little boy is standing in front of their bed. So the boy decides to go back to sleep without doing anything.
The next morning, the father asks his son if he can explain in his own words what politics is.
**"Yes," replies the son,**
**"capitalism fucks the working class while the government is asleep and the union just stands there watching. The people are left ignored and the future.. is in deep shit.**
***That's politics.*** **"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aduen1/what_is_politics/
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I just found out 7 people per 1 million born are named Bacon

Pork Kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adudep/i_just_found_out_7_people_per_1_million_born_are/
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Two ninjas watch an enemy approach. The first ninja nudges the other and says, "he can't cross without being attacked, can he?" The other ninja, stretches and yawns, and replies

"shuriken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adud8g/two_ninjas_watch_an_enemy_approach_the_first/
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Why does Ed have no girlfriend?

Because Sheeran away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aduce1/why_does_ed_have_no_girlfriend/
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What's better than roses on my grand piano?

Tulips on my organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adub9q/whats_better_than_roses_on_my_grand_piano/
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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.
It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to be attracted to him.
He went from doctor to doctor trying to find answers but got none, until one day he found a doctor who confidently said he could help. "I have good news and bad news," he said. "The good news is that I know exactly what's wrong with you and can fix it with a short surgical procedure. The bad news is that I must cut your balls off." Now the prospect didn't appeal to Brad, but he really wanted to look normal. After many a night mulling over it, he decided to return to the doctor to go through with the surgery.
The surgery went smoothly and he was discharged the following day, by which time his eyes had settled back into their sockets and actually made Brad look very handsome. He decided to celebrate his new look by getting a suit made at the tailor.
The tailor looked him up and down. "Your suit will be ready in two weeks!"
"Don't you need to measure me first?" Brad asked.
"No need; I've been in this business for so long that I can tell anyone's measurements just from looking at them. For instance, I can tell you that your chest is 44", your shoulders are 20", you usually wear size 16 shirts but need to shorten the sleeves, you wear 36" pants and size L underwear."
Brad was impressed. "That's amazing! You got everything right, except my underwear is size S."
"Don't make me laugh!" said the tailor. "You can't wear size S underwear. Your eyes would bulge right out of their sockets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adub6n/brad_was_successful_and_mostly_healthy_but_he_had/
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I wasn’t surprised when my artifact from an ancient Asian ship broke.

Piece of junk was made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adu9xj/i_wasnt_surprised_when_my_artifact_from_an/
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They say you can use a colander to look at the moon...

I tried using one but it just strained my eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adu927/they_say_you_can_use_a_colander_to_look_at_the/
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A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set

“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up”
The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson.
2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in:
”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!...And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adu7ts/a_woman_listens_in_on_her_4_year_old_playing_with/
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What do you call a cold burrito?

A burrr-ito

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adu79c/what_do_you_call_a_cold_burrito/
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Yo Momma is like a Toyota Prius.

Ugly and no fun to be inside of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adu59q/yo_momma_is_like_a_toyota_prius/
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You’re traveling along the Oregon trail and you meet a man named Terry.

One of your party members says, “I thought Terry was a woman’s name.”
That party member immediately dies.
What did they die from?
Dysentery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adu4py/youre_traveling_along_the_oregon_trail_and_you/
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Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) bring me the one my wife made

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adu1r7/doctor_handing_me_my_new_born_baby_im_sorry_but/
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A man walks into a bar with an alligator.

He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.
The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.
He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."
There is dead silence in the bar and than a hand goes up in the back and a blond girl comes forward and says, "I'll give it a shot, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtyrv/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_alligator/
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Drunken Fools

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last
week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this
building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds
around the building are so intense that they carry you
around the building and back into the window." The bartender
just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in
heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets
up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind
whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor
window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own
eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and
hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently
carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he
jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th,
10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtyqw/drunken_fools/
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I'm dating a half asian girl.

Her mom is korean, and her dad is also korean. Her legs were ripped off in a car accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtxb2/im_dating_a_half_asian_girl/
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Two hunters lost in the woods

They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtx0e/two_hunters_lost_in_the_woods/
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Want to close wage gap?

Step one: Change your major from feminist dance therapy to electrical engineering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtvzi/want_to_close_wage_gap/
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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adttyj/what_did_one_ocean_say_to_the_other_ocean/
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My wife said to me, “Don’t take it personally if people call you fat....”

“You are much bigger than that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtsim/my_wife_said_to_me_dont_take_it_personally_if/
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Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtr39/having_children_is_a_lot_like_making_pancakes/
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Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?

Because he hated capitalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtqvj/why_did_karl_marx_only_write_in_lowercase/
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Two tampons are walking down the street. Which one says, "hi" first?

Neither, they are both stuck-up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtpus/two_tampons_are_walking_down_the_street_which_one/
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In a fierce argument, the woman says to her husband.

\- "I would be better off had I married the devil!"
\- "Well, you couldn't. Marriage between two close relatives is illegal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtp8a/in_a_fierce_argument_the_woman_says_to_her_husband/
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Man walks into a bar (yes but not one you know.) NSFW

New york man walks into a bar in mobile alabama with a crocodile.
He walks up to the bar with the croc, and orders two drinks.
The barman takes one look at the guy. Then looks at the croc, and says get real I'm not serving that here.
The NY guy says ah don't mind him hes well trained. Perfectly harmless.
The barman replies shut the fuck up, I was talking to the Croc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtnch/man_walks_into_a_bar_yes_but_not_one_you_know_nsfw/
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I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtloe/i_won_a_wet_tshirt_competition_guess_what_i_got/
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How does a flower whistle?

Through their tulips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtk2h/how_does_a_flower_whistle/
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What does a push up bra and a bag of chip have in common?

Once open, you realise they are half-empty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtj73/what_does_a_push_up_bra_and_a_bag_of_chip_have_in/
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A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new handbag...

Daughter - "Thanks for the Baghdad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtf3m/a_father_in_iraq_gifted_his_daughter_a_new_handbag/
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What's yellow and hurts when it falls in your eye?

A bulldozer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtdgi/whats_yellow_and_hurts_when_it_falls_in_your_eye/
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A blind girl once told me that I am hung like a horse..

But she was only pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtbw3/a_blind_girl_once_told_me_that_i_am_hung_like_a/
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Someone stole my toilet paper...

But I don't mind it.
They must have shittier life than me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtblh/someone_stole_my_toilet_paper/
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Indian Jews

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in an Indian restaurant in New York. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India?'
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I won't be knowing, but I will ask the chef. After he returned from the kitchen a few minutes later and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India. Our people are scattered everywhere.'
The waiter returned and said, 'The Chef and the Captain my boss and they all say there is no Indian Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'
Listen, I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter. 'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews & Tomato Jews!
No Indian Jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtbke/indian_jews/
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A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm the best dentist in town, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adtbfa/a_guy_and_a_girl_meet_at_a_bar/
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What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adt9q5/what_do_girls_and_noodles_have_in_common/
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What do you call the first episode of a TV series with a predominantly black cast?

A pilot, you racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adt8kx/what_do_you_call_the_first_episode_of_a_tv_series/
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Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed some space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adt76g/did_you_hear_about_the_claustrophobic_astronaut/
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I finally realised my parents favoured my twin brother...

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adt2xj/i_finally_realised_my_parents_favoured_my_twin/
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Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adt2g8/art_thieves_pillaged_a_museum_of_european_17th/
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Nobody can truthfully say they've been born in 2019

They just can't talk about it.
Credit: u/tupacisaliveinserbia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adt11x/nobody_can_truthfully_say_theyve_been_born_in_2019/
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An old man was staying in a hotel and went for breakfast at the restaurant.

The waiter asked him what he’d like for breakfast and the old man replies:
“I want porridge but it must be lumpy and under cooked, then I want some bacon , eggs and toast but the bacon must be burnt to a crisp, the eggs must be runny and snotty and the toast I want 1 slice very soggy and the other slice must be burnt so bad that it would unfit for human consumption. Oh and beans but the beans must be half scorching and half frozen. And a month old muffin. Then I want coffee but it must be weak and taste like cat pee with 4 day old sour milk. Oh and a slice of avocado but it must be bruised and have some flies eggs laid in it. “
The waiter replied “sorry sir but we couldn’t possibly ever serve you a meal like that”
And the old man replied “why not? You gave it to me yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adsyn2/an_old_man_was_staying_in_a_hotel_and_went_for/
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This morning I saw a lady talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought the cat understood her...

When I got home I told my parrot. We had a good laugh. Lol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adsxkj/this_morning_i_saw_a_lady_talking_to_her_cat_it/
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The two lines

A man dies and goes to heaven. At the entrance to the pearly gates he looks ahead and sees two lines. One says "MEN WHO HAVE BEEN DOMINATED BY WOMEN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES" and another one for those who haven't.
The dominated line has men a mile long, queuing and waiting, seeming to stretch on for eternity. The perplexed man walks up a little further and sees a lone man at the end of the other line. He struggles to understand how he managed to get through his whole life without being dominated. He asks the man "What was your secret, how did you do it?"
The man looks up and says "my wife told me to wait here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adsvus/the_two_lines/
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A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disable person cross a river that grants you one wish.

Blind guy: "My wish is to able to see again"
He crosses the river and he is able to see again.
Deaf guy: "I wish to get my hearing back"
His wish is granted as he crosses the river.
The disabled guy sees that the previous two wishes were granted and rushes in the river in his wheelchair.
As he's getting out of the river, still in his wheelchair, he says
"Yo, check out the new rims I wished for!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adstym/a_blind_guy_a_deaf_guy_and_a_disable_person_cross/
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I like my r/Jokes how i like my coffee

The same damn thing everyday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adsow0/i_like_my_rjokes_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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I am terrified of elevators

I'm gonna start taking steps to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adsntb/i_am_terrified_of_elevators/
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What did the frog say to the fox, at the end of the river?

Croak Croak Croak
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adsnoe/what_did_the_frog_say_to_the_fox_at_the_end_of/
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A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"
"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.
"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adskr9/a_journalist_asked_tim_cook_why_iphones_are_so/
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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.
"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword
The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to my next incarnation on the wheel of life. Strike, if that is your wish, I will not resist."
Inigo's face darkens, he brandishes his sword, steps forward one quick light step, and thrusts the tip towards his unprotected bare chest. A hair's breadth from flesh the sword stops, quivering slightly in the fresh mountain air. Slowly Inigo lowers his sword. "This doesn't feel right."
"Indeed for the sutras tell us 'vengence is settled through non-vengence' you have received enlightenment and---"
"No I mean it's very anti-climatic. I spent 10 years studying fencing, I squeezed rocks for 2 hours a day to make my wrists strong, I spent another 2 hours in skipping and dodging and moving quickly to improve my footwork, 2 hours each day of sprinting as fast I could to make my legs fast and strong and every other waking hour learning the sword. I'm the first swordsman to be ranked 'wizard' since Bastia and now you're not going to try to defend yourself? Even running away would be better."
"I'm sorry but I have renounced violence."
"You should have done that before you killed my dad. Can't you unrenounce it? Just for a little bit? I promise it won't take long."
"Well..."
"You owe me; you took my father and scarred me for life, i was only 10. Doesn't your Budda preach making ammends?"
The monk exhales heavily "If it's truly what you desire, I'll get my sword."
And so later in the self-same courtyard, in the temperate Himalayan sunshine, they face each other; the old monk and the last sword 'wizard'. Inigo attacks, a dazzling display of passion and panache, sliding with ease from one style to another: Agrippa; Bonetti; McBone! The six-fingered sword flashes and dances in his hands like sunlight on a sparkling Himalayan stream while the ix-fingered man's sword barely moves, dull and sluggish like the estuarine Ganges, spent by its long journey, turgid with the sewage of a hundred flesh-pots, longing for the final oblivion of the sea.
"This won't do" Cries Inigo, putting up his sword, again on the point of running the six-fingered man through. "I've lived only for this moment ever since you took Domingo from me. Fight properly."
The old monk breathes a deep breath and regains some of his composure, again they duel, this time there is some of the old mastery and speed in the older man's swordplay but it is without passion, lacklustre. Inigo disarms him in 5 seconds flat.
"Pick it up" Inigo says coldly switching the six-fingered sword to his left hand "I'll waste no more of my talent upon you." he sets to again but this time without the magical skill of the wizard. He hacks like a butcher, ugly coarse strokes, the sight of which seem to pain the old master more than the jarring impact as he guards. "You murdering, cowardly bastard." Inigo sneers "I needn't have bothered learning fencing for a hack like you, a pickpocket with a homemade shiv would be more of a challenge, you ugly, mutated, freak."
The sudden change takes both of them by surprise, a fire lights the old monks eyes for the first time in the fight as he attacks, stamping forward and taking the young Spaniard completely off guard. The monk's blade dives towards his heart and he knows he cannot stop it. The most he can hope for is a wild thrust from out of position that can never reach before he's run through himself, but might just avenge him and his father. Then just as his sword is about to strike home the six-fingered man turns his blade and instead fends off Inigo's hopeless counterattack then instantly flows into another attack.
Without thinking once, in a kind of trance, Inigo blocks him and finishes the fight with 3 simple but masterly moves. He transfixes the six-fingered man upon the six-fingered sword Domingo Montoya forged for him with supreme artistry all those years before.
"Why did try to fend off first, instead of just thrusting? You had me cold and I know you were fighting for real then" says Inigo, dazedly "not just humouring me"
"Well" says the monk, with his dying breath "You always get more karma for riposting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adsj5j/inigo_montoya_finally_catches_up_with_the/
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Two guys on a plane

Two guys get on a flight, and a sexy stewardess passes them.
"I gotta hit that!" says one to the other, gets up, flirts with her and then they go to the bathroom for 15 minutes.
Guy comes back to his friend and says "Nah, my wife's better.
The other guy says "Can't be, let me try", takes the stewardess to the bathroom as well.
After 15 minutes he comes back disappointed and says "You're right, your wife is better".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adseu9/two_guys_on_a_plane/
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Pedro and Juanita

are running a cantina in Mexico.  One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar.
One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body."
Juanita says "Pees off you peeg."
So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to feel your titties."
Juanita says "Pees off you peeg."
So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out."
So Juanita storms up the stairs and wakes Pedro.  She says "Pedro, Pedro there is a man in the cantina.  He says he wants to kiss me all over my body."
Pedro jumps off the bed and grabs his machete.  He says "Where is he?  I will cut him in half."
Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to feel my titties."
Pedro says "Where is he, I will cut in half twice."
Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all out."
Pedro looks disappointed, he puts the machete down and lies down on the bed again.
Juanita says "Are you not going to cut him in half."
Pedro says "No, any man that can eat that much ice cream is too big for me to fight with."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adsblf/pedro_and_juanita/
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I met a priest once

The experience left a bad taste in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ads9wx/i_met_a_priest_once/
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Dating!

So, the other day I ask this girl out in class and she just looks at me, freaks out, and then calls the police on me.
Now I don't know if another elementary school will hire me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrqab/dating/
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What do you call a worldly act of a cow god?

Bovine intervention

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrnzb/what_do_you_call_a_worldly_act_of_a_cow_god/
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What do you call a Latino who can pick locks?

El Solve-a-Door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrnb7/what_do_you_call_a_latino_who_can_pick_locks/
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An English, a Japan and a Russian are visiting Russia.

When they are in Moscow Russian takes them to sightseeing.
And see a big bridge the English speaks and says:
'' Ah, its a nice bridge. But if it was in England, we would build it in 3 months. We have the best tools and technology for it.''
The Japan goes forward and says:
'' Yeah its a nice bridge but if it was in Japan, we would build it in only 1 month. We have the best engineers and quality products ''
Russian doesnt want to be lesser and replies:
'' Huh, this ? This bridge wasnt here yesterday. ''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrm6b/an_english_a_japan_and_a_russian_are_visiting/
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The hitman

Me: The jobs done.
Boss: Did you pick up the cash?
Me: I was supposed to?
Boss: *sigh* That ain’t how mafia work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrlfb/the_hitman/
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Why is exporting Muslim fashion so profitable?

Because its been blowing up all over Europe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrlf6/why_is_exporting_muslim_fashion_so_profitable/
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I love anti-vaxxer jokes.

They just never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrjr5/i_love_antivaxxer_jokes/
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A woman goes to Doctor. Says '' Im farting so hard but there is no smell or sound of it. ''

The doctor gives her some medicine and tells her to come next week.
Woman comes next week.
Doctor asks how is it now and woman replies:
'' Now i fart hard and there is the sound but still there is no smell ''
and doctor replies:
'' Good, we fixed your ears, now all we need to is fix your nose aswell. ''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrjo9/a_woman_goes_to_doctor_says_im_farting_so_hard/
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I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!

But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrj26/i_can_stop_telling_dad_jokes_anytime_i_want_to/
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A guy suffering with haemorrhoids regularly visits his physician for his ointment application.

This time the physician was on leave for the weekend, so he goes home and asks his wife’s help to apply his ointment instead. So he gets ready by going down on all fours, and the wife begins to apply the ointment. After a while he realises that his wife is resting only one hand on his shoulder and inquires what was she busy doing with the other hand? The wife calmly replies that she is applying the ointment with the other! Hearing this he chuckles and says “No wonder the physician is charging me 100 bucks for every visit, it takes great talent to place both the hands on my shoulders and still manage to apply the ointment!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrgb4/a_guy_suffering_with_haemorrhoids_regularly/
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Iron Man and Silver Surfer have teamed up for the next movie.

They are alloys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrfi5/iron_man_and_silver_surfer_have_teamed_up_for_the/
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What's more fearsome than a Grizzly bear with AIDS?

The guy he got it from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrd1w/whats_more_fearsome_than_a_grizzly_bear_with_aids/
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I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound.

He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only "snitches get stitches".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrcv7/i_turned_in_my_doctor_for_corruption_charges_when/
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People make fun of anti-vaxx people but you gotta admit

They do reduce carbon emissions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrcr6/people_make_fun_of_antivaxx_people_but_you_gotta/
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A joke I first heard when I was twelve years old so be warned

There once was a little boy and, like most little boys, he was fascinated by the world but knew very little of it. This included words. Every day he learned new ones that he loved to integrate into his speech whenever he could.
For example, one day he was sitting at the kitchen table eating his breakfast cereal, when he heard his parents begin to quarrel in the adjacent room. This wasn't unusual. Mornings were usually tense as everybody struggled to get ready and out the door in order to catch the bus or beat morning traffic. The little boy was used to it, because it usually wasn't that bad anyway.
But today, his parents' voices became louder and louder and they seemed angrier than he had ever heard them. Then he heard them each say a word he had never heard before.
"Bitch!" said his father.
"Bastard!" hissed his mother.
The little boy frowned and tilted his head as, quite suddenly, everything was very quiet. Then his parents walked in with those usual wide, fake smiles on their faces and his mother encouraged him to hurry up and get ready for school. As he placed his dishes in the sink, he turned to his father, who was sitting at the kitchen island and sipping the last of his coffee.
"Daddy?" he said. "What do those words mean?"
"Which words, buddy?" asked his father.
"The words you and Mommy said to each. Bitch and Bastard; what do they mean?"
His father choked a bit on his coffee and was careful not to spill on his work suit.
"Oh," he said, coughing, "well those words were...um...they were grown-up words."
"But what do they mean?"
"Um...ladies and gentlemen," his father said, unconvincingly. Lucky that small boys don't take much convincing to believe what they're parents say. "But you have to be a grown-up to use those words, okay? I don't want to hear you say them at school or church or anything. Understand?"
The little boy nodded, even as he turned the words over in his mind.
Another time, about a week later, the boy was sleeping when a loud thump woke him up in the middle of the night. Sitting up, he blinked his eyes open and listened for whatever it was that could have woken him from such a deep sleep.
Then he heard it, coming from his parents' bedroom. Worried, he scurried out of bed and into the hallway, listening very careful to make sure that his parents were doing alright. When he heard their voices, loud and strong, he relaxed.
Just as he was turning back to his own bedroom, however, he was struck by a couple more words that he didn't recognize. Frowning, the little boy stored them away in his mind and made a mental note to ask his parents about them tomorrow.
"What does vagina mean?" he asked, the next day. It was Sunday and the family was getting ready for church. His mother was struggling to properly tie his bow tie, when he asked her the question and her hands froze, her eyes narrowing at him.
"Where did you hear that word?" she asked him.
"From you!" the little boy insisted. "I heard you say it to Daddy last night! I also heard him say another funny word; dick. What does that one mean?"
"It means...hat," his mother lied, her cheeks burning. "And vagina means...coat. But they're grown-up words, so no using them--"
"At church or school, I know," the boy huffed, rolling his eyes. "It's no fun not being a grown-up. You guys get to use all the fun words."
"That's right!" his mother laughed. "Now, hold tight while I get this damn bow tie fixed!"
It was no less than a week later when Thanksgiving rolled around and his father was carving the turkey while the little boy set the table for dinner. All his cousins and aunties and uncles were set to arrive at any moment and his mother had declared him a 'Big Boy'. Big enough, at least, to handle the knives without cutting himself as he placed them next to the dishes that she had already set out before running up to get dressed.
The little--no, the *big* boy was feeling pretty grown up now. He took this responsibility very seriously and made sure to handle all the silverware with care as he set each piece next to each dish and listened to his father whistle a tune as he carved the beautifully cooked bird.
What he wasn't expecting, however, was his father's hissed declaration of "Fuck!" as he slipped and made a tiny incision in his finger. He quickly moved his bloody finger away from the expensive meat and ran it under water as his son turned to him.
"Daddy?" he asked. "What happened? What was that word you just used?"
"I just cut myself," his father explained. "That's all." The doorbell rang and he relaxed. "Go get the door and greet your cousins," he ordered. "You can finish when you get back."
"Okay!" The little boy set the rest of the silverware down and happily bounded off down the hall, thinking about the new word his just learned. He was proud of himself because not only was he a big boy, but he was also smart; he knew exactly what that word meant and how to use it.
When he opened up the front door, he saw several aunts, uncles, and cousins, all bundled up in their hats and coats, warding off the winter chill. He gave them a sweet smile and stood to the side.
"Please," he said, "come in!" They shuffled inside with hellos and 'aren't you such a big boy's and kisses on the forehead.
Once they were inside, the boy shut the door and turned to them with a big smile, instantly making a decision that would show everybody just how grown he had gotten since they saw him last.
"Happy Thanksgiving, bitches and bastards!" he exclaimed, much to the shock and confusion of his family. "May I take your dicks and vaginas so we can all go into the kitchen, where my father is fucking the turkey?!"1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adrci9/a_joke_i_first_heard_when_i_was_twelve_years_old/
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My little son calls our maid sister

-Son to maid: sister, sister!
-Mom: why do you call the maid sister?
-Son: she calls dad daddy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adragv/my_little_son_calls_our_maid_sister/
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Cocaine's a joke!

(Who's got the next line?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adr9ii/cocaines_a_joke/
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The most terrifying horror story... ever

Nester absolutely loves horror stories. From ghost and apparitions, to science-fiction, he enjoys reading all of them. One day while he visits a newly-opened bookstore, he got a glimpse on a rather unusual-looking book. A thin, hard-covered novel with no title.
As he examined the book, the owner of the shop silently approached Nester, 'Young man, you have to be really careful with this book,' says the owner, 'the content you will read, is extremely frightening.'
Nester almost jumped when he heard the owner talking because he was too focused on the book. But with a grin on his face, he responded, 'the scarier the better.'
The owner smiled for a bit but then became serious again, 'Good for you, but my friend, remember this, no matter what you do... no matter what happens... do not... i repeat... DO NOT look at the last page of the book... it will traumatize you forever...'
Nester nods then they proceed to the payment. The owner say it will be 5000$, and without asking too many questions, Nester hands him 50 bills of 100$. That's his salary for the past 3 months, but he wants to find out what's actually in the book.
The first thing he does after leaving the bookstore, it's running back home. He locks the door, then enters his room, closes the curtain, then opens his new book.
And because of this curiosity, he immediately turned the book to the last page...
Five words were on that page...
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Recommended Retail Price : 1$

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adr8cp/the_most_terrifying_horror_story_ever/
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What is Picasso's favorite gaming console?

Game cubism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adr6qo/what_is_picassos_favorite_gaming_console/
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My favorite sex position is call the wow....

Its where you and 39 other buddies get together and send everything you got at one poor person for 2 hours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adr52c/my_favorite_sex_position_is_call_the_wow/
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It takes many nails to build a crib...

But only one screw to fill it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adr4qt/it_takes_many_nails_to_build_a_crib/
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My chemist wife sometimes uses a test tube as a dildo

She likes it but I think its fucking vial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adr3cu/my_chemist_wife_sometimes_uses_a_test_tube_as_a/
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What do you call a boy potato?

A dictator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adr1bc/what_do_you_call_a_boy_potato/
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How to 69

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adr0he/how_to_69/
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A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adqlto/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
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I bought a Tesla and went to prison.

I got charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adqk3v/i_bought_a_tesla_and_went_to_prison/
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Sally walks into a pet store

and asks the clerk for some bird seed
Clerk: what kind of bird do you have?
Sally: I don't have one yet but I hope to grow some!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adqgfu/sally_walks_into_a_pet_store/
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adqfq4/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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A man and a woman meet in an elevator

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adqfnt/a_man_and_a_woman_meet_in_an_elevator/
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When they told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...

... I put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adqehm/when_they_told_me_to_stop_impersonating_a_flamingo/
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What's the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

The washing machine doesn't call me for 3 weeks after i dump my load in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adqdzw/whats_the_difference_between_your_mom_and_a/
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A woman was about to give birth at a hospital.

Her husband couldn't make it, but her two idiot brothers showed up to comfort her. The woman passed out right after giving birth to a boy and a girl. When she woke up, she saw her two children laying right next to her.
She told the doctor, "I'm ready to name my two children now."
The doctor replied, "Well, because you passed out, your two brothers named your children already."
"Great. I wonder what my two idiot brothers named my beautiful children."
The doctor smiled and said, "Well, they named your daughter Denise."
"Wow, what a beautiful name for my daughter," said the woman. "I wonder what my idiot brothers named my son."
The doctor said, "Your brothers named your son Denephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adqciq/a_woman_was_about_to_give_birth_at_a_hospital/
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I had a passion for trying to save people.

So i would kill to become a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adqc65/i_had_a_passion_for_trying_to_save_people/
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A month after marriage, I was afraid my wife would kill me

A year after marriage, I was afraid she wouldn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adqae7/a_month_after_marriage_i_was_afraid_my_wife_would/
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What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adqa3g/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
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I used to bang a set of twins.

People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adq74w/i_used_to_bang_a_set_of_twins/
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A man goes to a wedding bar and orders a Fruit Punch

“I’m driving tonight” says the man
The bartender looks at him and informs him that in order to obtain it he would have to wait in line.
The man clearly confused leaves with a confused look. He quickly glances the bar and sees a line.
The man is now jostled back and forth in the line until five minutes later he realizes that he’s currently in a conga line.
Confused the man looks about a bit more carefully.
“Where could a line possibly be”? Wonders the man aloud
The man finally detects a line of impatient people standing by a wall. He walk towards it and stands at the back. In the middle of the line he sees that everyone is waiting in front of a door. He looks at his phone while waiting.
Finally at the end of the line the man goes through the door only to realize that the line was for the bathroom.
A bit disheartened the man weighs just driving home a little thirsty. The man opts to look once more for a line until he sees that the line isn’t at the bar at all, it’s by the buffet table. He comes out of the bar and line up.
But a few moments later he realizes the line was to get in the bar in the first place.
Finally the man decided to go to the bartender and ask him.
He calls the bartender and after she is done making a drink goes to the man.
The man a fair bit thirsty finally asks
“Where is the punch line”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adpy7g/a_man_goes_to_a_wedding_bar_and_orders_a_fruit/
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Mother: How was school today, Kevin?

Kevin: It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!
Mother: Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?
Kevin: What school?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adpuwm/mother_how_was_school_today_kevin/
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My girlfriend and I gained weight, fought and broke up.

We didn't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adpuvf/my_girlfriend_and_i_gained_weight_fought_and/
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I love making cheesy jokes

It’s my Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adpui2/i_love_making_cheesy_jokes/
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We went to a fancy restaurant yesterday and I surprised everyone by ordering in perfect French

It was a Chinese restaurant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adpt8b/we_went_to_a_fancy_restaurant_yesterday_and_i/
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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adpstm/jeff_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_his_friend_paul/
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I enrolled in a course called, “Basic Origami for Nitwits” and you’re probably thinking, “Why?”

Well, the answer is twofold...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adpshy/i_enrolled_in_a_course_called_basic_origami_for/
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Why do we call priests father?

It’s too suspicious to call them daddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adppp0/why_do_we_call_priests_father/
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The wall with Mexico won't work because it doesn't extend into the ocean.

Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adph9v/the_wall_with_mexico_wont_work_because_it_doesnt/
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My wife got stung by a bee on her forehead.

We were digging in the garden. Now she is at the ER. Her face is swollen, bruised, and she almost died.
Luckily I had been close enough to her to hit the bee with my shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adpfrw/my_wife_got_stung_by_a_bee_on_her_forehead/
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus today.

Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adp9aa/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_today/
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In a room of 50 men, one from every state, how do you find the ones from Arizona, North Dakota, and Alabama?

To find the Arizonan: say "wow, you won't believe how hot it was today!"
To find the North Dakotan: say "wow, you won't believe how cold it was today!"
To find the Alabamian: say "wow, you won't believe how close I am with my sister!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adp4r3/in_a_room_of_50_men_one_from_every_state_how_do/
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My friend was trashing children's shows, which offended everybody, but then he changed tune and said he want's to revive Nick Jr.

I think he was just trying to save Face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adozo5/my_friend_was_trashing_childrens_shows_which/
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What does a dildo and tofu have in common?

They're both meat substitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adoypj/what_does_a_dildo_and_tofu_have_in_common/
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times

, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”.
She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.  He agrees.  She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adoya9/harry_and_his_wife_are_having_hard_financial_times/
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A bus full of nuns crashes and unfortunately they all die

. At the gates of heaven they meet St Peter.
He asks the first nun: "Have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The nun replies: "I poked one once."
St Peter says: "Wash your finger in this holy water and enter heaven."
He asks the next nun the same question, she replies "I fiddled with one once."
"Wash your hand in this holy water and enter heaven."
Then St Peter hears a commotion among the other nuns and one nun pushes to the front.
"Whats wrong?" he asks.
The nun replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Sister Anne washes her ass in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adovmc/a_bus_full_of_nuns_crashes_and_unfortunately_they/
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What do you call a comic drawn with only a pencil?

A graphite novel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adoor9/what_do_you_call_a_comic_drawn_with_only_a_pencil/
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One from my Grandma.

During our last family reunion, my aunts, uncle, and my mom were sitting around, making conversation and telling jokes. My uncle asked my grandma (95 yrs old) if she had any jokes.
G’ma: “I had six of them.”
Referring to her six children. You’ve still got it, Gram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adoaiu/one_from_my_grandma/
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My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adoa6q/my_favourite_sex_position_is_called_wow/
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What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

You make a seizure salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ado4uw/what_do_you_do_with_epileptic_lettuce/
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ado433/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
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I think smoking cigarettes has been good for me.

They convince me to go outside and get some fresh air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ado1xc/i_think_smoking_cigarettes_has_been_good_for_me/
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I am so sick of these double standards.

Burn a body at a mortuary and you're doing your job. Do it at home and you are "destroying evidence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adnyza/i_am_so_sick_of_these_double_standards/
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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adnysx/as_i_walk_through_the_valley_of_the_shadow_of/
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Did you know all French meter sticks are a foot shorter?

They have a habit of cutting the heads off their rulers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adnvcr/did_you_know_all_french_meter_sticks_are_a_foot/
%
I went to the doctor today.

He says I have trust issues, but I don’t believe him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adntkv/i_went_to_the_doctor_today/
%
An Irishmen finishes his last drink and leaves the bar...

Just kidding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adnout/an_irishmen_finishes_his_last_drink_and_leaves/
%
I accidentally turned off the basement lights while my wife was still down there.

I thought she’d be really upset, but turns out she was delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adnoba/i_accidentally_turned_off_the_basement_lights/
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I asked for a suggestion from my gay friend on staying busy and he told me to use Grindr...

I was skeptical at first but ever since I joined it, I've hardly been able to sit down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adnidz/i_asked_for_a_suggestion_from_my_gay_friend_on/
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When I see two lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adnand/when_i_see_two_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i/
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Why are Saudi Arabians Clueless?

Because They live under Iraq

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adn92m/why_are_saudi_arabians_clueless/
%
What did the cheap baseball player say when he found out how expensive first class plane tickets are?

Put me in coach!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adn66f/what_did_the_cheap_baseball_player_say_when_he/
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You gotta hand it to short people

Because they can't reach it themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adn4zw/you_gotta_hand_it_to_short_people/
%
John F Kennedy was the smartest president America has ever had.

He's the only president we know for sure had a brain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/admx2v/john_f_kennedy_was_the_smartest_president_america/
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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.
He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he forgot to buy extra condiments. He finds the aisle where the condiments are, and fills his cart with everything imaginable. He buys soy sauce, mayonnaise, mustard, ranch, the lot.
Finally, he arrives at the end of the aisle where the ketchup is stored, and scans through the seemingly endless assortment of tomato sauces. "Low sugar", "Garlic and Herb", "Low salt"... The selection is absurdly broad. After spending some time looking through each one, he eventually finds a solitary bottle at the back of the shelf which  is labeled as "vision  enhancing ketchup".
He checks the back of the bottle and it claims to be filled with special nutrients and essential oils which  will give even the most visually impaired of people hawk-like vision. Unable to resist, he adds the exorbitantly expensive bottle of mysterious ketchup to his shopping cart and heads to the checkout.
Being a meticulous spender, he knew more or less what the total was going to be, so when the cashier told him that his party supplies had cost him $240.45, he was taken aback.
"Surely it isn't more than $225... can you show me the receipt?"
The cashier prints the receipt and he scans it, quickly realising the problem.
"This simple bottle of tomato sauce is $19.50?!"
The cashier replies " Well, actually, after tax it's $20.20."
The man is visibly furious.
"Hey man, I don't set the prices, do you want it or not?".
Indignantly, he decides to  purchase it anyway, thinking to himself "oh man this ketchup better be really fucking good". He heads home and starts preparing for the party. The next day after work, the guests begin to arrive. The whole affair is an instant success. Everyone is laughing, drinking and eating and having a grand old time.
Eventually, the man gets a little peckish and heads over to the table with the assorted barbecued meats and makes himself a hotdog. He adds all the trimmings - cheese, slaw, onions, even a little bacon, and to top it all off, he decides to crack open the mysterious and enigmatic bottle of "vision enhancing ketchup".
He adds it to his hotdog, takes a bite, and is immediately disgusted by the putrid taste of the sauce. It's absolutely vile. The stench fills his nose and makes his eyes water, he is immediately overcome with nausea and dizziness and is helpless to resist the urge to spit the mouthful out onto the ground. As he coughs and splutters, his friends rush to make sure he's alright.
"Don't worry everyone! Just some nasty ketchup, is all."
His friend asks
"what on earth was wrong with that ketchup?"
"I don't know, it was some weird fancy stuff. It said it would make my vision better but all it did was make me nearly vomit! Such a waste of money. I definitely won't buy it again, I can tell you that much."
His friend just smiles knowingly and says to him "Ahhh... Well, Heinz-Sight is twenty twenty".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/admnbu/the_mysterious_bottle_of_ketchup/
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Did you see the meme about Batman's parents?

Too late, It's already dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/admlii/did_you_see_the_meme_about_batmans_parents/
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What happened when Cinderella got to the ball?

She gagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/admh3i/what_happened_when_cinderella_got_to_the_ball/
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I bought an elephant for my friend to put in his room. He said thanks.

I told him "Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/admgdu/i_bought_an_elephant_for_my_friend_to_put_in_his/
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What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scottish sheep farmer?

The Rolling Stones say, "Hey, you! Get off of my cloud!"
The Scottish farmer says, "Hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"
Apologies to the Scottish. I love Scotland. My favorite place to go on holiday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/admf66/whats_the_difference_between_the_rolling_stones/
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A friend of mine who was a doctor of 7 years got fired for sleeping with a patient

Really heartbreaking he was an astounding vet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/admdnc/a_friend_of_mine_who_was_a_doctor_of_7_years_got/
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A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.

The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets"
The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again:
"One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!"
Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire and screans followed by a longer silence. Soon again the same voice yells: "One finnish soldier is equal to a thousand soviets!"
Now furious, the soviet commander sends a thousand soldiers and a tank to the hill. They hear even more gunfire and explosions. Then silence.
One heavily wounded soviet soldiers crawls from the hill and yells: "Commander! Dont send any more troops, its a trap! Theres two of them!"
(I know this joke is super old but idgaf)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/admaac/a_soviet_army_is_walking_through_a_finnish_field/
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How much does a Hipster weigh

An Instagram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adm5oe/how_much_does_a_hipster_weigh/
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My parents didn't like the fact that I was bringing home the bacon.

Especially when our pigs kept mysteriously disappearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adm2rj/my_parents_didnt_like_the_fact_that_i_was/
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What do a pallet of bricks and a fat lady have in common?

Sooner or later they will both get laid by a Mexican...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adlx2r/what_do_a_pallet_of_bricks_and_a_fat_lady_have_in/
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I managed to slap Trump in the face, but didn't get away...

..they caught me orange handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adlvii/i_managed_to_slap_trump_in_the_face_but_didnt_get/
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People never seem to remember Jet Li's weaker, pacifist brother...

Gent Li.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adlt4y/people_never_seem_to_remember_jet_lis_weaker/
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I've been told male cows don't deficate

I think that's bullshit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adllkm/ive_been_told_male_cows_dont_deficate/
%
Chicken and a frog found a book

The chicken says "book book book BOOK!''
The frog says ''Read it Read it Read it!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adlf6l/chicken_and_a_frog_found_a_book/
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Why is it hard to break up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adleyp/why_is_it_hard_to_break_up_with_a_japanese/
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My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches

but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adld93/my_doctor_told_me_i_could_get_a_trophy_from_being/
%
No one knows more about shutdowns than Trump

Just look at all of his failed businesses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adl872/no_one_knows_more_about_shutdowns_than_trump/
%
A priest needs to go to the bathroom, but it's a busy day so he asks an altar boy to work the confessional for a little while...

The priest tells the boy, "don't worry, all the sins and their punishments are listed inside on the wall."
So the altar boy goes in. The first confessor, a woman enters. "Bless me father for I have sinned: I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."
The altar boy is looking on the punishment sheet, but theres no blowjob!  So he opens the door and whispers to the other altar boy, "hey Anthony, what does the priest usually give for a blowjob??"
Anthony says, "he usually gives me a snickers bar and some M&Ms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adl6y9/a_priest_needs_to_go_to_the_bathroom_but_its_a/
%
What do you call an angel that turned evil?

A 180° Angel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adl0ze/what_do_you_call_an_angel_that_turned_evil/
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A zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?”

“Yes”, replied the master, “as long as you don't create any attachments.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adkzlp/a_zen_student_asked_his_master_is_it_okay_to_use/
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Did you hear about the new device that counts how many calories you burn during sex?

It's called the ClitBit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adkypv/did_you_hear_about_the_new_device_that_counts_how/
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How do you call an immigrant who commits crimes?

Founding Father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adkxmd/how_do_you_call_an_immigrant_who_commits_crimes/
%
Ed has no girlfriend

Sheeran away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adkwce/ed_has_no_girlfriend/
%
Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out

He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"
His boss replies "Is it ticking?"
"No, it's turkey and ham."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adkvj3/security_guard_goes_outside_a_side_door_for_a/
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Saw tom Hanks at a coffee shop today, i asked for his autograph but when i looked all he wrote was

THanks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adktt3/saw_tom_hanks_at_a_coffee_shop_today_i_asked_for/
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Did you know there’s a word in Norwegian for describing the act of crying while masturbating?

It’s really difficult to pronounce so I can’t remember the word, but it’s a real tear-jerker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adkre9/did_you_know_theres_a_word_in_norwegian_for/
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An old saying from Alabama...

'Keep your friends close, but your family closer. A lot closer.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adkohu/an_old_saying_from_alabama/
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What does the Mafia and Oral Sex have in common

one slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adko2u/what_does_the_mafia_and_oral_sex_have_in_common/
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My 2019 is starting off a little bit hazy

But 2020 should clear things up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adkjjl/my_2019_is_starting_off_a_little_bit_hazy/
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A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons

Everything is positive after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adkif0/a_human_losing_weight_is_like_an_atom_losing/
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The Original Bird Box Challenge

Is Getting up to Pee at 4am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adkhkp/the_original_bird_box_challenge/
%
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair

She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adk8ew/i_asked_this_lady_if_i_could_touch_her_hair/
%
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican

When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies.
The other six dwarfs start to giggle.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persists.
"No, none in all of Italy," the Pope answers more sternly.
The dwarfs begin to laugh even more.
"Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
This time the Pope is much more firm. "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
By now, the other dwarfs are laughing aloud.
"Your Excellency," Dopey demands. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
"No Dopey, " the Pope snaps. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!"
The six dwarfs start jumping up and down, chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adk3re/the_seven_dwarfs_go_to_the_vatican/
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Pay it Forward:

I was at Walmart and this lady was sobbing because she lost all of her tax money out of her purse. She couldn’t pay for her groceries. I don’t know why but I decided to give her $200. I had just found $3,000 in the parking lot and since I was blessed I was bred to help her too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adk2q2/pay_it_forward/
%
I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis.

Just to let her know I was thinking of her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adk2q0/i_sent_my_wife_a_picture_of_my_flaccid_penis/
%
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.
She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adk27i/had_sex_with_my_girlfriend_a_couple_days_ago/
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I had a very difficult time convincing my parents I wasn't gay

I couldn't keep a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adk1pr/i_had_a_very_difficult_time_convincing_my_parents/
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If a bear shits in the woods, where does his friend the lamb go?

The baathroom.
*new dad, first OC dad-joke of my own*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adjyfk/if_a_bear_shits_in_the_woods_where_does_his/
%
My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making silly puns about her dark yellow oven glove.

However, I wasn't expecting to wake up this morning and find her gone, I mustard mitt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adjub2/my_wife_said_shes_leaving_me_because_i_keep/
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(nsfw, racism) i was waiting at the bus stop when i pulled out my phone, accidentally dropped a bunch of change...

Asian guy next to me says "Yeah!? Well fuck you too!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adjkl0/nsfw_racism_i_was_waiting_at_the_bus_stop_when_i/
%
What's the primary difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adjgwo/whats_the_primary_difference_between_an_oral/
%
A squad of spermatozoids is swimming.

Their leader is foul-mouthed, but inspirational.
"Keep moving! That fucker can't be far!"
"This is what we trained for! Alicia knew we can't make it all. 'Bitch is dead, now move!"
"We'll take time to pray for the dead once we secure the fucking objective!"
After many hours and losing most of the squad, the leader finally resigns:
"Shit. Game over. We were fucked in the ass from the start."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adjf7v/a_squad_of_spermatozoids_is_swimming/
%
So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
>Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adjelh/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
%
A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F\*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adjeax/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/
%
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adje0n/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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I was going to tie a bunch of watches to my belt.

Then I realized it'd just be a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adjcqr/i_was_going_to_tie_a_bunch_of_watches_to_my_belt/
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Someone needs to start a new service just for lesbians

We'll call it Scissr!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adjbrc/someone_needs_to_start_a_new_service_just_for/
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Did you ever hear the tale of the hero who saved the world using a cup of milk?

It was legendairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adj9n5/did_you_ever_hear_the_tale_of_the_hero_who_saved/
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A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adj87t/a_drunken_man_staggers_in_to_a_catholic_church/
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If you've got a condition whereby you hate being watched...

You should probably get that looked at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adj65c/if_youve_got_a_condition_whereby_you_hate_being/
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My girlfriend broke up with me since I made too many bowling jokes.

I guess they just weren't up her alley.
God she's such a pinhead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adj62k/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_since_i_made_too/
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A woman walks in confession and says “Daddy, I’ve been reallyyy bad”

The priest replies: “For the last time, it’s Father, for I have sinned”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adj4z4/a_woman_walks_in_confession_and_says_daddy_ive/
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but cling wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Sir, I can clearly see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adireu/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
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What's the difference between greyhound racing and R Kelly..?

The greyhounds wait for the hare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adir19/whats_the_difference_between_greyhound_racing_and/
%
Adam was lonely, so God made an offer.

I'll tell you what, Adam. I'm going to make you a mate. She'll help you tend to the garden, feed and name the animals, rub your feet and back, and just be the perfect companion for you.
**What's that going to cost me, God?**
An Arm and a leg.
**What can I get for a rib?**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adilke/adam_was_lonely_so_god_made_an_offer/
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Terrible what they do these days

We've been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone  is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have  been found with their beaks cut off.
Police suspect a local bill  collector is behind it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adikvh/terrible_what_they_do_these_days/
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Meanwhile, at the Zoo...

... a gorilla is reading. He's holding a Bible in one hand and a book on evolution in the other.
**What are you doing, gorilla?**
"I'm trying to decide if I am my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adikm0/meanwhile_at_the_zoo/
%
Meanwhile at the Dentist

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes  and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong  room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adikh6/meanwhile_at_the_dentist/
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My best friend cried all night because her dog died. To make her feel better I gave her another one just like it.

Now she has two dead dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adiiwd/my_best_friend_cried_all_night_because_her_dog/
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My wife says I only have two faults.

I don't listen, and some other shit she was droning on about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adiioi/my_wife_says_i_only_have_two_faults/
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My wife told me if I went on the lads holiday to Vegas leaving her and the kids behind I’ll come home to find the locks changed

Good. My key has been sticking for months, it’s about time she did some DIY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adiieh/my_wife_told_me_if_i_went_on_the_lads_holiday_to/
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People: nobody could ever paint so many paintings in a very short time

Vincent van gogh: Hold my ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adihwm/people_nobody_could_ever_paint_so_many_paintings/
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Two nuns are driving down a dark road country road..

All of a sudden a vampire jumps out from the trees and lands directly on the hood of the car, baring it's teeth at them.
"Quick! Show him your cross" exclaims one of the sisters.
The other nun leans out the window and screams, "Get off the fucking car you spooky bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adif8i/two_nuns_are_driving_down_a_dark_road_country_road/
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A man is talking about a game of golf...

Man: So Fred and I were out over the weekend and the weather was beautiful at first, but by about the sixth hole the clouds started to roll in. By the time we reached the eighth hole it was raining and the sky was black. Then on the ninth hole, Fred goes to tee off and gets struck by lightning, it killed him instantly!
Listener: My god, that’s terrible!
Man: You’re telling me! Nine holes of hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adif2h/a_man_is_talking_about_a_game_of_golf/
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I badly broke my leg and whilst I was asleep in the hospital someone wrote “Fucking Idiot” in huge letters on my cast

Talk about adding insult to injury.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adicmu/i_badly_broke_my_leg_and_whilst_i_was_asleep_in/
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What do you call a car made in Texas?

A H’audi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adi9b1/what_do_you_call_a_car_made_in_texas/
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If anyone wants information about how to become a transsexual...

...I think I know a guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adi64y/if_anyone_wants_information_about_how_to_become_a/
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Fast Eddie

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'...
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adi4dl/fast_eddie/
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What do stalkers and the letter V have in common?

They're always behind U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adi420/what_do_stalkers_and_the_letter_v_have_in_common/
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Negligent Discharge

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.  Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.  Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.
''What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.' The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.  I'm going to have to refer you to my brother.”
''Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied.  'Is your brother a plastic surgeon?''
“Not exactly.' answered the doctor.. 'He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adi2sv/negligent_discharge/
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Army Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Georgia and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:  'Talking Dog for Sale .'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there..
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies..
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the US Army Special Forces. You know the reputation of them Green Berets.
'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Army (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed.. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?
'Because he 's such a BSer. He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adi1sa/army_dog/
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I’ve had the clap so many times now...

It’s more like a round of applause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adhvya/ive_had_the_clap_so_many_times_now/
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What do you call a homosexual robot?

Gay-i

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adhvdd/what_do_you_call_a_homosexual_robot/
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So, how will Cody Parkey try and forget what happened last night?

Probably go out and hit the bars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adhr14/so_how_will_cody_parkey_try_and_forget_what/
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I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.

I was - like - 0MG.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adhq97/i_had_a_dream_that_i_weighed_less_than_a/
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Why do pirates avoid sailing in shallow water?

With only one eye, they have terrible depth perception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adhlvq/why_do_pirates_avoid_sailing_in_shallow_water/
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7 shots later

A man enters a bar in the middle of the afternoon and asks the barman for 7 shots of tequila. The barman lines them up and the man downs them all one after the other. The bemused barman asks "what's the celebration"
The man replies " I've just had my first blowjob"
" Well that's great" says the barman with a smile , " I tell you what, you can have one from me, on the house"
"Nah, it's ok" says the man, " if 7 doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adhfko/7_shots_later/
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Thanks to recession I'm back on my feet again.

The bank took my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adhdpy/thanks_to_recession_im_back_on_my_feet_again/
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My friend keeps saying “cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”

I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adhdau/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
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We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”

I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adh9sg/we_were_smoking_a_joint_in_front_of_a_guys_store/
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A man goes into the doctors to find out about test results.

The doctor says “I have bad news and really bad news what do you want to hear first?”
The man says “the bad news”.
The doctor replies “I’m afraid you have cancer.
“Oh! then what’s the really bad news?” Asks the man.
“You have dementia” says the doctor.
The man replies “ah well at least I don’t have cancer!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adh9qk/a_man_goes_into_the_doctors_to_find_out_about/
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NSFW A woman wants to buy a pet

Not just any pet, mind you, but a parrot. She thought they were gorgeous, unique, and so clever! Alas, the trouble with parrots, if you can believe this, is their cost - she couldn't believe how expensive they were!
This young woman went from store to store, from big chains to specialty boutiques, but she just couldn't seem to find a parrot within her family's budget. She determined to try one more store, before giving up.
Well, it just so happened that this last store, a small pet store on the edge of town, had a parrot on sale for twenty dollars. Twenty bucks! The woman couldn't believe it. She asks the man at the counter "sir, I notice your parrot is incredibly cheap. It looks to be in good health (having become quite the expert in her search), why is it so cheap?"
The proprietor replied "Ma'am, I'm going to level with you. This parrot's former owner also happened to be the owner of a bordello, and as such this parrot has picked up some pretty filthy language. I couldn't possibly sell it for full price."
Hearing this, the woman quickly decided that there was simply no language foul enough to deter her from purchasing a parrot at such a steal. So, she pays the man, takes the parrot home, walks inside, sets the cage upon her table, and removes the blanket covering the cage. The parrot, adjusting to his new surroundings, sees the woman and squawks "NEW MADAM, NEW MADAM!" and the woman thinks, "well, that's not such bad langauge after all."
An hour later her daughters come home from school. The parrot sees them, and squawks "NEW MADAM, NEW MADAM, NEW WHORES, NEW WHORES!" At this, the woman's daughters become upset, as they can't understand why the parrot would say such cruel things, and the mother began to regret her purchase just a bit.
Not long after, the father returns home. The parrot takes one look at him and squawks "NEW MADAM, NEW MADAM, NEW WHORES, NEW WHORES, SAME FACES, hey George!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adgyjk/nsfw_a_woman_wants_to_buy_a_pet/
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People always laugh at my car because it looks like a fruit...

But at least I avocado!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adgy4m/people_always_laugh_at_my_car_because_it_looks/
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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adgxv7/four_catholic_ladies_are_having_coffee_together/
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My friend said that he replaced the Oxygen with Uranium in a water molecule.

I was like, "HUH?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adgozi/my_friend_said_that_he_replaced_the_oxygen_with/
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I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.

I tried it and it just strained my eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adgoi9/i_was_told_i_could_look_at_an_eclipse_with_a/
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Hannibal Lecter was telling me about his wonderful Christmas.

He had an old friend for dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adgkpu/hannibal_lecter_was_telling_me_about_his/
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Three friends are in a car...

Three friends get together as they usually do during the weekend. At one point in the evening they decide to go and buy some cigarettes so they get in the car and drive out.
While driving down one of the streets they notice a prostitute under a streetlight and the friend driving goes: “hey guys, ever wondered how much it costs to get with one of those?” The friend next to him gives him a grin, the one in the back laughs and so they pull up next to her.
The guy riding shotgun rolls down the window and asks her:
“hey there, uhm, so how much do you charge?”
She answers: “50 in the front and 100 behind, honey”
Without hesitation the guy in the back is very pissed: “HEY! What the hell, why would I get charged twice the price?!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adgifh/three_friends_are_in_a_car/
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Room 39

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.
\-The client: is room 39 empty?
\-The boss: yes, sir.
\-The client: can I book it?
\-The boss: of course you can.
\-The client: thank you.
Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.
The boss agreed though he was surprized at the weird things the client asked to have.
The client went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else.
Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.
After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.
The boss didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.
In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.
He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.
The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.
The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.
After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.
The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 79g.
This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.
Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face.
The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn't arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.
The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.
To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.
The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.
In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
\-''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
\-''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
\-''Swear''
\-''I swear I won't reveal your secret''
So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.
Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adghtx/room_39/
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What is Satan’s favorite kind of weather?

Hail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adgg6c/what_is_satans_favorite_kind_of_weather/
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People who sell dead animals for food are gross

But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adgb3k/people_who_sell_dead_animals_for_food_are_gross/
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Joseph Goebbels once said, False information told once is a lie...

False information told a million times becomes the truth.
That seems to very much reflect the state of the world at the moment.
Or so they keep telling me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adg7y4/joseph_goebbels_once_said_false_information_told/
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Little Johnny went to school one day...

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence.
The first little girl raised her hand and said, "The trees are definitely green."
The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall."
The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors."
From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly."
Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adg5ai/little_johnny_went_to_school_one_day/
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Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don’t wear because they are out of fashion. She was cold, so I gave her the new birthday sweater you never wear because the colour doesn’t suit you. Her trousers had holes in them, so I gave her a pair of yours that don’t fit you any more. Then, as this poor girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use any more?” . . . So here we are!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adg59c/arriving_home_from_a_shopping_trip_a_wife_was/
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What's the difference between a C-SPAN cameraman and a pornography cameraman?

The porno cameraman sees fewer ass holes on a daily basis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adg4qf/whats_the_difference_between_a_cspan_cameraman/
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What did the proton say to the electron?

Why are you so negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adg1wm/what_did_the_proton_say_to_the_electron/
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My family says my morning routine is distgusting.

-Wake up
-Take a shit
-Get out of bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adg1qo/my_family_says_my_morning_routine_is_distgusting/
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If you sniff coke off of someone's butt

...is it called crack cocaine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adg1p5/if_you_sniff_coke_off_of_someones_butt/
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I love most of mathematics.

But geometry is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adfw57/i_love_most_of_mathematics/
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"Mind if I sit there?" I asked the guy on the bus.

He said, "Actually, I do."
So I said, "Why?"
He said, "Because this is *my* wheelchair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adfv7y/mind_if_i_sit_there_i_asked_the_guy_on_the_bus/
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Chuck Norris once pissed out 6 kidney stones....

Today they are known as infinity stones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adfus9/chuck_norris_once_pissed_out_6_kidney_stones/
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Did you hear about the man who jumped off the Eiffel Tower?

He was in Seine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adfrfi/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_jumped_off_the/
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When people ask if I'm a dog person or a cat person, I tell them I love both equally.

I'm not a picky eater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adfqmy/when_people_ask_if_im_a_dog_person_or_a_cat/
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What do scientists do when they observe the earth rotating?

They call it a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adfptg/what_do_scientists_do_when_they_observe_the_earth/
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It's a sad day. After several years of medical training & hard work, a friend of mine has been struck off after just 1 minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and is now barred from his profession. An utter waste of training and money.

He's a genuinely nice guy too, and an excellent vet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adfm3c/its_a_sad_day_after_several_years_of_medical/
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I asked my neuron why it was so sad

Said it was just a nervous cell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adflxp/i_asked_my_neuron_why_it_was_so_sad/
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Bouncer: I'm gonna have to ask you to leave

Me: "Why?"
Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adfkcd/bouncer_im_gonna_have_to_ask_you_to_leave/
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What do you get when you cross the ocean with the Titanic?

Halfway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adfisy/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_ocean_with_the/
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My favorite sex position is the JFK:

I spray all over her while she screams and tries to jump out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adfimi/my_favorite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
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What's the difference between a good joke and

a bad joke timing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adfb9d/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
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Where was Elon Musk when he decided to start Tesla?

Mad-at-gas-car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adfb4j/where_was_elon_musk_when_he_decided_to_start_tesla/
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I’m opening up a new dry cleaners...

I’m calling it, “Drop your pants and jacket off.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adf92x/im_opening_up_a_new_dry_cleaners/
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My friends wouldn’t believe I had OCD.

So I made sure to set them straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adezur/my_friends_wouldnt_believe_i_had_ocd/
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Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they can't find home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adexfw/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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In light of the recent video surfacing, Drake has set the cutoff age for his concerts at 16.

Anyone over that is just too old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adevk8/in_light_of_the_recent_video_surfacing_drake_has/
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Little Johnny on his uncle Ted

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next.
"My dad owns a farm too.
Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.";
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny.
"My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adesbs/little_johnny_on_his_uncle_ted/
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The Polite way

During one of her daily classes, a  teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following  question: 'Michael, if you were on a date  having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her, the polite way, that you have to go  to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be
right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very polite to say the word bathroom at the
dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adeoqu/the_polite_way/
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I asked Siri why I was still single

She then turned on my front camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adenp0/i_asked_siri_why_i_was_still_single/
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I have decided that I will be telling jokes about furniture this year

Sofa, so good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adek0t/i_have_decided_that_i_will_be_telling_jokes_about/
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This morning I made sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face

I'm not allowed Sharpies in the bedroom anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adejjn/this_morning_i_made_sure_my_wife_woke_up_with_a/
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Father: Son, please be a good boy while I’m away...

Son: I’ll be a good boy for $50
Father: why son? When I was young, I was good for nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adegic/father_son_please_be_a_good_boy_while_im_away/
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How is working the fry station at McDonald's like studying Plato and Aristotle?

You really learn to appreciate ancient grease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adeaim/how_is_working_the_fry_station_at_mcdonalds_like/
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What does a robot do after sex

Nuts and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adea7g/what_does_a_robot_do_after_sex/
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What did earth say to the other planets?

You guys have no life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adea1p/what_did_earth_say_to_the_other_planets/
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I was at a job interview...

I was at a job interview and they asked me why I deserve the job.
I replied by saying that "I always give 110%"
Unfortunately I did not get the job of statistician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ade7e4/i_was_at_a_job_interview/
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An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants

“Euripides?” says the tailor.
“Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ade5qf/an_ancient_greek_walks_into_his_tailors_shop_with/
%
Orion's Belt is such a waist of space.

Terrible joke. Three stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ade5bk/orions_belt_is_such_a_waist_of_space/
%
My wife and I have hallway sex

Whenever she passes me in the hallway she says “Fuck you Steve”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ade4cx/my_wife_and_i_have_hallway_sex/
%
Does music make you think?

Well it made Stevie Wonder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ade48l/does_music_make_you_think/
%
My psychiatrist told me to just write letters to the people I hate and burn them

Now I wonder what to do with the letters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ade0e1/my_psychiatrist_told_me_to_just_write_letters_to/
%
I saw some suspicious people at the store buying graph paper...

I think they are plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/addt1t/i_saw_some_suspicious_people_at_the_store_buying/
%
50% of gays are fucking assholes.

The other half take it in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adds94/50_of_gays_are_fucking_assholes/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None because they can’t change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/addr39/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I for One...

Am a fan of Roman Numerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/addoa9/i_for_one/
%
Coors light is like sex in a canoe

It’s fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/addm6b/coors_light_is_like_sex_in_a_canoe/
%
I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/addjj9/i_believe_i_can_fly_bump_and_grind_and_ignition/
%
Three kids were talking

And one of them said "if you say to an adult that you know all of the truth they will give you a present" some time after that they all go home
When little Johnny arrives at home he decides to test it so he goes to his dad and says "daddy, i know all of the truth"  his dad panics a little and says "ok son, take this twenty dollars and don't tell anything to your mom" as he hands little Johnny 20 bucks
Little Johnny was surprised so he decides to test it with his mom, he goes to her and says "mommy, i know all of the truth" his mom panics a bit and says "son, i will give you fifty bucks if you don't tell it to your dad ok?" little Johnny aggres and takes the money
Some time later the door bell rangs and little Johnny goes to answer it, on the other side he finds the mail man and decodes to test it on him "i know all of the truth" the mail man gets surprised and asks "really?!" little Johnny confirms it so the mail man opens his arms and says "then gimme a hug son!"
P.S: basically a translated version of a brazilian kinda of famous joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/addir2/three_kids_were_talking/
%
Headaches

Doctor:  "I recommend that you take a pain reliever for those headaches."
Me:  "OK, which kind?"
Doctor:  "Aleve it up to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/addeai/headaches/
%
My doctor said don't eat anything fatty...

I said "what do you mean? Fries, steak, dessert?"
He said "No fatty. Don't eat anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/addao4/my_doctor_said_dont_eat_anything_fatty/
%
What do you call someone who participates in beastiality?

A petophile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adda2i/what_do_you_call_someone_who_participates_in/
%
A teenager walks into a pharmacy in the 70s...

He asks the druggist for a 1 pound, 3 pound, and 5 pound box of chocolate, and asks if he could gift wrap each one of them separately.
The druggist complies, but asks the boy why he wants 3 separate boxes, instead of just one?
The boy replies, “Well, you see. I’ve got a really hot date tonight, and I’m going to give her the 1 pound box no matter what. But if she lets me hold her hand I’ll give her the 3 pound box, and if she lets me kiss her, I’ll give her the 5 pound box!”
The druggist accepts his answer and proceeds to wrap the chocolates for the boy.
Later that night, the boy shows up at the girls house to pick her up for the date, but he is a bit early. He rings the doorbell anyways and his date greets him.
She says, “Well, the movie doesn’t start for a bit, so why don’t you come have dinner with us?”
The boy agrees, meets the family, and sits down at the table.
Before they start eating, he asks if he can say grace. The family agrees and he begins to pray. He prays and prays and prays, eventually the family wonders if he is ever going to finish. Finally, he says, “Amen.”
The girl says, “Wow! I didn’t know you were so spiritual!”
And the boy replies, “I didn’t know your dad was he druggist!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/add58m/a_teenager_walks_into_a_pharmacy_in_the_70s/
%
A man finds himself in a secluded tribe

Interested in their way of living, the man goes up to one of the tribesmen and asks them what they do all day.
“Eat, drink, and hit the gym.” Answered the first tribesman.
Impressed, the man goes up to another tribesman and asks the same question.
“Eat, drink, and hit the gym.” Answered the second tribesman.
Even more impressed, the man goes up to a third tribesman and asks the same question again.
“Eat and drink.” Answered the third tribesman.
“Why aren’t you hitting the gym like everyone else?” the man asks.
“Because I’m Dajim.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/add57i/a_man_finds_himself_in_a_secluded_tribe/
%
Some would say I enjoy food puns too much...

I would say I relish in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adcv9b/some_would_say_i_enjoy_food_puns_too_much/
%
I asked my librarian if she had a specific book on small penises.

She said "I don't think it's in yet". I said "that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adcv0c/i_asked_my_librarian_if_she_had_a_specific_book/
%
An old man tells his doctor...

An old man tells his doctor that his wife never has an orgasm while they are having sex.
The doctor suggests that perhaps she is overheating. So when the man gets home he asks his young and good-looking gardener to assist by waving a towel to cool off his wife while they are having sex. The gardener is reluctant but agrees. While the couple is having sex, the gardener frantically waves the towel to cool off the woman, but she does not have an orgasm. The old man suggests that he and the gardener switch places. Again the gardener is reluctant, but agrees, and makes wild love to the woman. The woman reaches a screaming climax like none she has ever had in her entire life. The old man turns to the gardener and says, "And THAT, young man, is how you wave a towel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adcnvq/an_old_man_tells_his_doctor/
%
I just finished baby-proofing my house...

Let’s just see one of them try to get in now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adcnlp/i_just_finished_babyproofing_my_house/
%
A man walks into a bar where’s there’s a jar stuffed with money...

“What’s with the jar?” Says the man as he sits down.
The bartender looks over, “An ongoing competition. It’s $5 to enter, but if you can make the horse out back laugh you take the jar and the money.”
The man takes out his wallet, puts a fiver in and walk out the back door. A minute later he comes back in and grabs the jar of money.
The bartender stops him, “Whoa there, what are you doing?”
The man replies, “Go look out back.”
Sure enough, the horse is on the ground laughing its head off. So the bartender let’s the man take the money and he leaves.
A month later, the same man comes back to the bar and there’s a new jar, twice as big as the last one and stuffed with even more money.
“What’s the competition this time?” he asks.
“That’s for anyone that can get that damn horse to stop laughing!”
So the man takes out a $5, puts it in, and walks out back.
A minute later he comes back in and again grabs the jar of money.
The bartender stops him, “Wait, what are you doing?”
The man replies, “Go look out back.”
The bartender looks but now the horse is on the ground crying its eyes out.
The bartender comes back and says, “Okay you can take the money. But at least tell me how you did it.”
“That’s only fair I guess,” he replies, “Well, the first time I told the horse I had a bigger dick than him. And the second time, I proved it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adcm3r/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_wheres_theres_a_jar/
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Gotta feel bad for Bears kicker Cody Parkey

He’s always been an upright guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adchdp/gotta_feel_bad_for_bears_kicker_cody_parkey/
%
My book on spices finally got delivered!

It's about thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adch7x/my_book_on_spices_finally_got_delivered/
%
I’m not worried about the Chicago Bears.

I’m sure they will bounce back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adc69d/im_not_worried_about_the_chicago_bears/
%
What animal has 4 legs and one arm?

A pitbull on a playground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adc5ha/what_animal_has_4_legs_and_one_arm/
%
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adc1du/i_was_complaining_to_my_wife_about_our/
%
I haven't spoken to my wife in 3 weeks

I didn't want to interrupt her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adbx1u/i_havent_spoken_to_my_wife_in_3_weeks/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adbwuc/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
There is nothing wrong with sex on TV

...as long as you don't fall off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adbt13/there_is_nothing_wrong_with_sex_on_tv/
%
What kind of STD ruins a dogs ability to smell?

*Sniffilis*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adbrja/what_kind_of_std_ruins_a_dogs_ability_to_smell/
%
You know the joke where a guy tells another guy to eat rabbit pellets saying that they are "smart pills"?

The second guy comes back the next day and says, "Hey, these are rabbit pellets! They're not smart pills at all!"
And the first guy says, "You see, they're working already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adbipt/you_know_the_joke_where_a_guy_tells_another_guy/
%
When Matthew McConaughey is driving which way does he turn?

All right, all right, all right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adbf4n/when_matthew_mcconaughey_is_driving_which_way/
%
What happened to the prisoner who had stutter?

He couldn't finish his sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adbdp4/what_happened_to_the_prisoner_who_had_stutter/
%
The reason that men can read maps better than women...

They intuitively understand that one inch equals a mile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adbd8p/the_reason_that_men_can_read_maps_better_than/
%
Rome wasn't built in a day...

It just looks that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adb9gt/rome_wasnt_built_in_a_day/
%
What do you call pasta with a cold?

Macaroni and sneeze
Was told to me by my 3 year old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adb61q/what_do_you_call_pasta_with_a_cold/
%
How does an amputee masturbate?

Singlehandedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adb54c/how_does_an_amputee_masturbate/
%
A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says.,.

“Five beers, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adb3ta/a_roman_legionnaire_walks_into_a_bar_holds_up_two/
%
What's the difference between a tire, and receiving oral sex every day for a year?

One's a Goodyear, the other's a fucking great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adb3rl/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_receiving/
%
What do you call a constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adb3jn/what_do_you_call_a_constipated_detective/
%
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Africa...

Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adb2pi/my_wife_is_leaving_me_because_of_my_obsession/
%
Some famous actors decide to make a movie about classical musicians

They immediately begin to claim roles.
Robert Downey, Jr. says “I’ll be Mozart.”
Nicolas Cage says “I’ll be Beethoven.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adaxsm/some_famous_actors_decide_to_make_a_movie_about/
%
Whats the difference between a jew and Harry Potter?

Harry escapes the Chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adautr/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_harry/
%
What’s the difference between and green bean and a chickpea

I’ve never paid 200 bucks to have a green bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adarq8/whats_the_difference_between_and_green_bean_and_a/
%
Can you give someone a skin graft from your butt???

Ass skin for a friend!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adals5/can_you_give_someone_a_skin_graft_from_your_butt/
%
My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adalg8/my_boss_youre_fired/
%
I don't care what anyone says,

America has the best congress that money can buy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adaivm/i_dont_care_what_anyone_says/
%
I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/adaipm/im_having_a_meeting_at_my_house_for_people_who/
%
An old Jew is lying in the hospital, slowly drifting towards the inevitable end...

He feels himself getting weaker and weaker, and summons a nurse.
“What can I do for you, Mr. Schwartz?”
“I want you get me a priest!”
“Uhh... yes, you mean a rabbi?”
“No! A priest! Get me a Catholic priest!”
The nurse goes off and finds the hospital priest, who comes to the bedside.
“How can I help you, Mr. Schwartz?”
“I want you to make me a Catholic!”
“You... what?”
“You heard me! Say your prayer, sprinkle some water over me, whatever you need to do! I wanna be a Catholic!”
“Ummmm.... well, Mr. Schwartz... I could do that... but... well, you’re Jewish. You’ve always been Jewish. You’re a well-respected pillar of the local Jewish community. And, with all due respect, throughout your life, you’ve never had many kind words for the Catholic Church. Why, in these last moments of your life, would you want to become a Catholic?”
“Better one of them should die than one of us!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ada86o/an_old_jew_is_lying_in_the_hospital_slowly/
%
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ada34z/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
%
Sad News.

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine had been fired after one minor accident. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the job that he loved.
It’s unfortunate, he is genuinely a nice guy and a brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad9zau/sad_news/
%
A drunk, who smelled of stale beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of personal hygiene."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on the man's arm and apologized. sorry. I should not have come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just reading here that the Pope does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad9tvh/a_drunk_who_smelled_of_stale_beer_sat_down_on_a/
%
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad9jfo/why_do_chicken_coops_have_2_doors/
%
Walking down the road with my mate and we saw a dog licking his penis, my mate says, I wish I could do that, I said.

Give him a cookie he might let you..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad9hby/walking_down_the_road_with_my_mate_and_we_saw_a/
%
The single girl

A short joke, but one of my favorites.
A girl in her mid twenties goes to the supermarket. When she is done with her shopping, she begins walking towards the checkout (as you do).
At the checkout sits a guy, around her age. Short brown hair, brown eyes, a cute smile. Well, kind of an attractive looking young man.
She begins unpacking her cart, and on the counter she puts one loaf of bread, one bottle of milk, one apple, one box of cereal, one frozen pizza etc.
As the guy starts to scan her groceries, he looks up at her, smiles and says:
"Excuse me for asking, but you are single, aren't you?"
The girl begins to blush, and aswers:
"Haha yes, well, in fact I am! How did you know?" The guys says:
"Because you are fucking ugly".
Be kind, not a native speaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad9dwg/the_single_girl/
%
Heading down to the Autopsy Club later.

It's open Mike night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad9d3c/heading_down_to_the_autopsy_club_later/
%
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra..

"How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about that anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad9a6z/an_elderly_gentleman_went_to_the_local_drug_store/
%
How many men would be named Muhammed if the whole word was muslim?

Allah them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad987g/how_many_men_would_be_named_muhammed_if_the_whole/
%
A Mormon and An Irish Man Get on a Plane

The Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad970h/a_mormon_and_an_irish_man_get_on_a_plane/
%
With great reflexes...

Comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad922g/with_great_reflexes/
%
A naked woman robbed a bank.

No one could remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad8xi4/a_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank/
%
Tip for BMW Drivers - Move your seat as far forward as possible.

That way you can get even closer to the car in front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad8w43/tip_for_bmw_drivers_move_your_seat_as_far_forward/
%
A drunk man enters his house after a late night at the bar...

Not wanting to wake up his wife and receive a scolding from her, he decides to take off his shoes. While taking off his shoes, the Coo-coo Clocks goes off.
Coo-coo, Coo-coo, Coo-coo.
Thinking the noise will surely wake his wife, he thinks quickly and decides to extend the Coo-coo sounds to make his wife think it is not so late, so he starts coo-cooing.
Coo-coo, Coo-coo, Coo-coo, Coo-coo, Coo-coo, Coo-coo Coo-coo, Coo-coo for a total of eleven times.
Satisfied with his ingenious plan, he goes to bed.
The next morning the wife asks him what time he got in. He says "around 11". His wife tells him they need a new clock. He asks "how come?"
She says "Well, last night, it seemed to be working fine up until 2, but then it regressed to 11 when it went coo-coo 3 times just fine, but then it said "Shit", went coo-coo 4 more times, farted, went coo-coo 3 more times, then giggled before the final coo-coo".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad8tyl/a_drunk_man_enters_his_house_after_a_late_night/
%
A man gets caught visiting a prostitute

The next day, he receives a letter, asking for £500 or his family will find out. In a state of panic, he tells his best friend.
His best friend, in utter disbelief responds, "Blackmail!?"
The man replies "No, white woman, but that's besides the point!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad8s2u/a_man_gets_caught_visiting_a_prostitute/
%
People all over the planet have started ejaculating mysteriously.

What is this world coming to?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad8m06/people_all_over_the_planet_have_started/
%
A Swede, a Norwegian, and a Finn were about to snort coke for the first time...

The Swede went first, and immediately leapt two feet in the air and began to tap dance uncontrollably.
In fact, he felt so fantastic, he went back for another, taking the Norwegians.
This time he leapt three feet in the air and did cartwheels.
By this point he couldn’t stop.
Never wanting to lose this wonderful feeling, he went back for one more - the Finn’s.
However, this time, as soon as he’d snorted it, he immediately dropped to the floor - dead.
He’d fallen at the Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad8klt/a_swede_a_norwegian_and_a_finn_were_about_to/
%
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I've got 5,000 signatures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad8gm0/i_started_a_petition_to_ban_people_from/
%
Drake visits a town famous for exporting coal...

He wanders around for an hour or so but leaves disappointed as he couldn't find all the minors he had heard about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad8d5v/drake_visits_a_town_famous_for_exporting_coal/
%
Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it's cheaper that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad8bip/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_female/
%
Today I got my eye exam and I failed the colour blind test.

It came out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad86oe/today_i_got_my_eye_exam_and_i_failed_the_colour/
%
What happened after the Yeti did sit ups?

He became the abdominal snowman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad84ws/what_happened_after_the_yeti_did_sit_ups/
%
What do you call Snoop Dogg's doppelganger?

The Snooplicate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad84v5/what_do_you_call_snoop_doggs_doppelganger/
%
I like my women to be like my bath water

So hot I can only stay inside for 30 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad82pk/i_like_my_women_to_be_like_my_bath_water/
%
Heading down to the Autopsy Club later.

It’s open Mike night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad80vm/heading_down_to_the_autopsy_club_later/
%
A disabled man gets a parking ticket...

And he asks the parking attendant, "is this because I'm disabled?"
And the attendant says, "no, it's because of your parkin' sins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7wtk/a_disabled_man_gets_a_parking_ticket/
%
I just witnessed my roommate sticking his dick in a jar of peanut butter

He's fucking nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7t2z/i_just_witnessed_my_roommate_sticking_his_dick_in/
%
I am seeing a horse right now

We've been dating for only a month, but I can say it's a stable relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7rou/i_am_seeing_a_horse_right_now/
%
I think my thermos is broken

It says it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold but I put in 3 cups of coffee and a popsicle and now they're both ruined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7rac/i_think_my_thermos_is_broken/
%
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?

Joseph Smith

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7qz2/who_pulled_off_the_greatest_hat_trick_in_history/
%
What do you call a dumb ant that can put out a fire?

A Fire-retard-ant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7pgh/what_do_you_call_a_dumb_ant_that_can_put_out_a/
%
Boomerangs are like dads,

I thought.
Ow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7pb4/boomerangs_are_like_dads/
%
Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game.

It hurt a lot, but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7lvz/losing_my_virginity_was_a_lot_like_my_first/
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Wearing crocs is like being sucked off by a man

Feels great until you look down and realise you're gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7kpz/wearing_crocs_is_like_being_sucked_off_by_a_man/
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What do sloths, slugs, snails, and tortoises compete in?

The Slow-lympics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7kpu/what_do_sloths_slugs_snails_and_tortoises_compete/
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The Vikings were the ones that took it upon themselves to spread sexual education to the world around them

*Even if it had to be mandatory*
Which kinda made it a constant pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7ias/the_vikings_were_the_ones_that_took_it_upon/
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Drinking non alcoholic beer is like giving oral sex to your sister

It tastes similar, But you know it's wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7h9q/drinking_non_alcoholic_beer_is_like_giving_oral/
%
Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality.

For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7h8o/zodiac_signs_can_tell_a_lot_about_your_personality/
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Jesus said, “I am the way.” The people said, “No way!”

And Jesus said, “Yahweh.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7g44/jesus_said_i_am_the_way_the_people_said_no_way/
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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American,

an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean
all go to a nightclub ..................................
The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7e5g/an_afghan_an_albanian_an_algerian_an_american/
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What do you call 300 rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hare line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad7bec/what_do_you_call_300_rabbits_marching_backwards/
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What do you call the hangover you get from drinking wine?

The grape depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad78so/what_do_you_call_the_hangover_you_get_from/
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We’re doing our dad’s favorite jokes now? Knock knock...

Who’s there?
Panther.
Panther who?
Panther no panths, I’m going thwimming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6y6p/were_doing_our_dads_favorite_jokes_now_knock_knock/
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What do you call a bunch of gay people waiting in line?

An LGBT Queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6xv8/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_gay_people_waiting_in/
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What gets long when you jerk it, fits between boobs, slides in a hole & loves to be pulled?

A seat belt you pervert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6vqg/what_gets_long_when_you_jerk_it_fits_between/
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Autocorrect has become...

my worst enema.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6s2b/autocorrect_has_become/
%
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?

[depleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6oj9/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_the_ozone_layer/
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6mr3/a_blonde_wanting_to_earn_some_money_decided_to/
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I walked in on my parents having sex

It was the most awkward 45 minutes of my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6kes/i_walked_in_on_my_parents_having_sex/
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A joke from my teenage years

A mother and her teenage daughter are in the living room.
M: "Really?! After all this years raising you and this is how you ended up?! I told you so many times when he touches your boobs you say, 'Don't'. When he touches your monds you say, 'Stop'. Now, why are you pregnant?
D: "He touched both at the same time so I said, 'Don't. Stop.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6j7a/a_joke_from_my_teenage_years/
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What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner?

He got the cold shoulder.
yes, im a dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6iyg/what_happened_to_the_cannibal_who_was_late_for/
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You know, I understand how you get “Will” or even “Bill” out of William, but how the heck do you get “Dick” from Richard?

You ask him nicely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6iqw/you_know_i_understand_how_you_get_will_or_even/
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Why was the child's blanket arrested?

For being an accessory to a kid napping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6idm/why_was_the_childs_blanket_arrested/
%
The weather is like Muslims.

Either it's Sunni or Shiite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6ff5/the_weather_is_like_muslims/
%
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6exa/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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A woman was at her doctor's office for her annual physical exam.

The doctor looked her over and said, "You seem to be in excellent health, but I noticed you have severe abrasions on your knees and elbows.  Do you know what caused them?"
The woman blushed a little and said, "That's from having sex doggy-style."
The doctor asked, "Surely you must know of other positions for sex?"
The woman replied, "Well, *I* do, doctor, but my Doberman doesn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6boc/a_woman_was_at_her_doctors_office_for_her_annual/
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[NSFW] What's the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?

I'm not coming in this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6b0w/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_this_morning/
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What's Trump's favorite store?

Wallmart
(Joke courtesy of my 9 year old)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad6apf/whats_trumps_favorite_store/
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What do you call a selfish pen?

Ink onsiderate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad693b/what_do_you_call_a_selfish_pen/
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In New York, when a married couple gets into a fight, it’s called domestic violence.

In Alabama, it’s known as sibling rivalry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad692l/in_new_york_when_a_married_couple_gets_into_a/
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A miner comes down from the mountains after a couple weeks of work.

He walks into the town saloon and orders a whiskey. The bartender serves him. After he finishes his whiskey, he asks the bartender,
“Say, is there anywhere around here a guy can get some action? I’ve been in the mine and I haven’t seen a woman in weeks.”
The bartender replies, “No sir, all the women left town when the gold dried up last year. But if you’re desperate, we’ve got an old Chinese fella in the back that helps us out in these hard times.”
The miner looks at the bartender, disgusted, and shouts “I DON’T GO FOR THAT SHIT!” And he walks out of the saloon.
A couple more weeks go past, and the miner comes out of the mountains again. He heads back to the saloon, orders another whiskey, and asks the bartender,
“Any women come back to town yet?”
The bartender says “Nope. But we still got Old Chang in the back.”
Again, the miner is furious. He yells back, “I told you son, I DON’T GO FOR THAT SHIT!” And he storms out.
A couple more weeks go by, and he miner comes back down out of the mountains. He walks into the saloon, skips the whiskey, and asks the bartender,
“Say, if I were to go in the back and use Old Chang’s *services,* who would have to know about it?”
The bartender says, “Well, you, me, Old Chang, and the two other guys.”
“What *two other guys,*” says the miner.
The bartender replies, “The two guys who hold him down. *Old Chang don’t go for that shit either.*”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad68zb/a_miner_comes_down_from_the_mountains_after_a/
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[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”.
”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”
She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad641k/nsfw_hearing_that_her_elderly_grandfather_had/
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What did the German piece of bread say to the other piece of bread

Gluten tag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad5rag/what_did_the_german_piece_of_bread_say_to_the/
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I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman...

...would hurry up and pick a suspect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad5oqc/i_hate_waiting_in_lines_i_wish_this_woman/
%
A high school is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.
A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.
The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad5ksw/a_high_school_is_having_a_talent_show/
%
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad5kcp/a_priest_has_a_heart_attack_and_is_rushed_to_the/
%
Father :"Son, your mother and I have decided it's time to tell you you're adopted."

Son: "That's OK father! I will always love you and mom neither what!"
Father: "That's good son. Now pack your bags your new parents will pick you up in one hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad5i2c/father_son_your_mother_and_i_have_decided_its/
%
Anyone know what happens when you die???

I'm dying to find out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad5h43/anyone_know_what_happens_when_you_die/
%
Martinis are like breasts.

One isn’t enough, and three’s too many!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad5gc4/martinis_are_like_breasts/
%
When a woman removes polish with chemicals no one bats an eye.

But when hitler removes the polish with chemicals, every one loses their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad58ah/when_a_woman_removes_polish_with_chemicals_no_one/
%
One of the only jokes I remember from childhood...

Superman was flying around Metropolis on a sunny day, and it was a boring one. No crime to fight.
So he keeps flying around the city, cruising around - and finally he sees Wonder Woman on top of a building, sunbathing in the nude.
Superman circles around the city a few times, getting hornier and hornier, trying to justify what he's thinking..."Man, I could fly in there at super-speed, hit that at super-speed, and then fly off, and she would never know it was me!"
Finally he circles the city again, setting his sights on the rooftop and Wonder Woman. He zooms in at lighting speed, humps the hell out of her in no time, and then flies back off into the sky.
Wonder Woman sits up, blinking, confused...
"What in the hell was that???" she says out loud.
The Invisible Man half-cries, "I don't know, but my asshole sure does hurt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad57u2/one_of_the_only_jokes_i_remember_from_childhood/
%
What did the sloth say when it was mugged by a bunch of snails?

"It all happened so fast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad55g9/what_did_the_sloth_say_when_it_was_mugged_by_a/
%
Beer nuts are $1.49

But deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad50uf/beer_nuts_are_149/
%
An old lady is looking to buy a condom...

At a nursing home, two elderly women, Ethel and Vivian, are smoking outside on their balcony.
It starts raining, and Ethel pulls a thin rubber tube out of her purse and carefully slips it over the lit end of her cigarette.
“What is that?” Vivian asks her.
“A condom. I just snipped the tip off with my sewing scissors,” Ethel says. “I picked it up in town last week.”
“What the hell is a condom doing on your cigarette?” Vivian asks.
“Keeping it dry.” Ethel takes another drag and the tip of her cigarette burns red in the rain.
Vivian holds up her limp cigarette, “I’m getting one of those tomorrow.”
The next day Vivian takes the bus into town and walks into the corner store, straight up to the young man standing behind the counter.
“Hi Vivian,” the man says, “Ready for another pack of cigarettes?”
“No, Sam, not today.”
“Well then, what can I do you for?”
“I need a condom.”
“I’m sorry,” Sam’s face turns bright red, “A whole carton?”
“No, Sam. A Con. Dum. I need a condom. ”
“Well, uh okay, what kind of condom were you looking for?” he clears his throat and he starts looking through the boxes of protection behind the counter, “What um, size do you need?”
“Well I don’t know, Sam,” she says, “I’ll take anything that’ll fit a Camel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad50iz/an_old_lady_is_looking_to_buy_a_condom/
%
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car

Luckily, a passing soldier notices her and assures her that he can help. First, he takes off his pants. He then rolls it up into a ball and rubs it against the car handle.
Almost immediately, the car door unlocks.
"That was amazing! How did you do that?" The woman asks.
"Well, it's simple", the soldier replies, "these are my khakis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad4wrj/a_lady_accidentally_locks_herself_out_of_her_car/
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How can you recognise a French war veteran?

Sunburned armpits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad4ul8/how_can_you_recognise_a_french_war_veteran/
%
Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors?

So they can watch the battle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad4ue6/why_do_french_tanks_have_rearview_mirrors/
%
What's long and hard and makes women groan?

An ironing board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad4syv/whats_long_and_hard_and_makes_women_groan/
%
The year is 1850 in a river in California...

Hundreds of miners arrive in the river and all the territory in the river is claimed within 5 minutes as they look for treasure. Most of the miners grab a space in the river, but some got there a little too late, and didn't get any space, so they left... except one. For a few days, one miner sat in his wagon and watched the other miners dig.
One miner in the river finds no gold in his space, so after a week, he packs up and leaves and puts a sign saying, "No gold here"
Despite the warning, the miner who sat watching the other miners dig quickly snagged the empty area and tore the sign out.
The miner who left that space said, "Wot you doin' dere boy? Didn't ya see da sign? Dere ain't no gold dere."
The other miner put the sign back in the ground and said, "Dere is now."
The first miner scratches his head. "Watcha mean?"
"I taked the sign out and put it back in." The other miner says. You always get gold for repostin'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad4psx/the_year_is_1850_in_a_river_in_california/
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I like my men like I like my catheters

Sterile and disposable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad4pn1/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_catheters/
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The hospital taking too long to get a new cornea for my SO.

I need to find a faster wife-eye provider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad4jbc/the_hospital_taking_too_long_to_get_a_new_cornea/
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Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad4iht/sex_therapists_claim_that_the_best_way_to_arouse/
%
What is special about rectal thermometers?

The Taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad4iak/what_is_special_about_rectal_thermometers/
%
What'd the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad4gqk/whatd_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad4dn7/a_guy_walks_into_the_bank_pulls_out_a_gun_points/
%
What’s a Jawa’s favourite vegetable?

Zucchini!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad4atz/whats_a_jawas_favourite_vegetable/
%
i was laying in a yoga class

I was just laying there, and the instructor says "hey man you gotta get outta here!"
So I said na-ma-ste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad49u0/i_was_laying_in_a_yoga_class/
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Guess who I bumped into in the opticians yesterday?

Everybody!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad45my/guess_who_i_bumped_into_in_the_opticians_yesterday/
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My Dad’s favorite joke

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all recently pregnant, are sitting together at the local bar, gossiping and talking about their lives.
When the subject of their pregnancies comes up, they all get exited, and begin speculating as to the sex of their children.
“I’m gonna have a boy” says the redhead.
After the other two ask how she knows, she explains that her child was conceived with her on top.
At this, the brunette exclaims “Well, I’m going to have a little girl! When we conceived her, I was on bottom.”
After a few moments of silence, the blonde breaks out in uncontrollable tears and begins to sob rather loudly.
After being comforted by her friends, the redhead asks “Whats wrong? Why are you crying?”
The blonde, still upset and wiping her eyes, proclaims “I’m gonna have puppies!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad45lg/my_dads_favorite_joke/
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A joke from my childhood

Three vampires entered a "special" club. The first vampire is wealthy. The second is middle class, while the third is poor.
The first vampire said to the waiter, "I would like the freshest human blood you have."
The second one said, "A cup of animal blood for me, please."
The third one said, "A cup of hot water would be fine."
The two vampires stared at him.
"Why would you need hot water?" The first vampire asked.
The third vampire replied, "I found a rolled up pad on the sidewalk. Blood's fresh. Good night for a tea isn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad45db/a_joke_from_my_childhood/
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I found myself at a seedy dive bar last night and after returning from the bathroom, I nearly choked on a shoestring!

I couldn't believe that someone had laced my drink...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad44z8/i_found_myself_at_a_seedy_dive_bar_last_night_and/
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A Buddhist monk travels to New York..

He then craves for food , finally ending up in a confectionery .He chooses donut and then takes it to the counter.
The monk ask s the shop keeper the price of the donut.
The owner said $7.85.
The monk handed the keeper $10 note. After taking the dollar the keeper started attending other customers.
The monk infuriated asks the keeper,"Where is the change??"
The keeper with a straight face answered,"Change comes  within!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad3u0n/a_buddhist_monk_travels_to_new_york/
%
My girlfriend keeps trying to blow me when I'm on the treadmill

Worst running gag of all time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad3oka/my_girlfriend_keeps_trying_to_blow_me_when_im_on/
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What do you call a musician with erectile dysfunction?

D flat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad3knv/what_do_you_call_a_musician_with_erectile/
%
This literally the first joke with curse words that I remember knowing.

The boy who didn’t know curse words
There was a boy who didn’t know curse words and it was thanksgiving day. He comes out of his room and sits down with his sister. She is watching a reality show, the actress on the show calls out the actor “you dick” the little boy never hearing that word before asks his sister what does that mean? She frantically starts looking for an explanation and sees a coat rack and says “well dick is just another word for coat”. He nods not knowing any different and continues to watch the show. Not wanting to have to deal with him any longer the sister tells him to go play outside with their brother. The little boy obliged and grabs his jacket and goes outside where his older brother and his friends are playing football in the front yard. As he gets to the lawn one of the kids falls down and scrapes his knee and starts tearing up. One of the other boys yells out “get up you pussy”! Not knowing what pussy means the little boy asks his brother. His brother frantically looks for an explanation and sees his little sibling wearing a jacket. “Well, it is just another word for jacket” the older brother explains. “ how about you go back inside and ask dad for a bandage?” The little boy once again follows orders and goes back inside looking for his dad. He hears his dad in the restroom and walks to the restroom. While he gets to the door he sees his dad shaving. He asks his dad about the bandages and as the father turns he accidentally nicks himself shaving and yells out “shit!”. The boy puzzled by the wording his dad just used asked him what does shit mean? “Well shit is nothing more than another word for shaving cream that’s all”. The boy looking puzzled as he has never heard it before starts to ask his dad another question but his dad interjects and tells his son to go check if his mom needs any help in the kitchen. The little boy heads to the kitchen where his mom is pulling the turkey out of the oven. She grabs the turkey and burns the back side of her hand on the stove and yells out “fuck”. The boy hears this while walking in and asks what does fuck mean? His mom just says “it’s another term for stuffing the turkey!” As she finishes the door bell rings and the little boy is told to go let the visitors in. He walks up to the door and opens it and greets the guests “hi everyone thanks for coming! Go ahead and hang your dicks and pussies over there, my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey and my dad is in the bathroom putting shit on his face!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad3hwt/this_literally_the_first_joke_with_curse_words/
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A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad3gsp/a_vegan_said_to_me_people_who_sell_meat_are_gross/
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Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.

But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad3giu/steve_jobs_would_have_been_a_better_president/
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A totally naked woman rushed into a taxi.

The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly.
The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"
The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad3gfx/a_totally_naked_woman_rushed_into_a_taxi/
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My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.

Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad3fxy/my_wife_left_me_because_im_insecure_and_paranoid/
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I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad3flc/i_used_to_sell_security_alarms_door_to_door_and_i/
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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad3f5u/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad3f3e/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad3e8j/an_18_year_old_girl_tells_her_mom_that_she_has/
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'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad3d25/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad3cfp/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_and_500/
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There was once a king...

... who owned two magnificent kingdoms. Vast in land and great in wealth. One day the king decided he wanted to give one of his kingdoms away. He gathered all of his people and told them,
"He who swims across the immense river separating my two kingdoms shall inherit the one in the East. But beware. The river is infested with alligators and all sorts of creatures who will be more than delighted to make any of you their day's dinner. Good luck to any who dares try."
No sooner had the king finished his declaration when a man was already on the river making his way across. All sort of creatures attempted to make short of the man, but he fought valiantly and sure. It took all of his strenght, but finally, though bloodied and clawed and wounded, made it to the kingdom in the East.
The king came to him and said, "Good man, I am a man of my word, so this kingdom is now yours. With all of its wealth and its people. May you rule with great wisdom."
The man, panting as he spoke, "I do not want this kingdom."
The king, perplexed at such a thing, said to the bloodied man, "But... you crossed the river. My word is my bond. If the kingdom is not what you wanted, why did you jump? What do you want?"
The man, doubled over in pain, suddenly stood up and said, "I want to find the son of a bitch who threw me in the goddamn river."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad39vc/there_was_once_a_king/
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I walked into a pillar between platform 9 and 10 ...

That is when it **hit** me that I am a muggle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad39k3/i_walked_into_a_pillar_between_platform_9_and_10/
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Did you hear what happened when the cheese farm exploded?

Da brie was everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad32c9/did_you_hear_what_happened_when_the_cheese_farm/
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Want to hear my boomerang joke?

Ill tell you when i get it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad324m/want_to_hear_my_boomerang_joke/
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NSFW - The Little Girl and the Construction Site

A  family moved into a house next door to an empty construction site.  Later in the year, builders started construction.
The family's 8 year old daughter was utterly fascinated by the daily activities of the builders and sat on the fence after school each day and all day weekends, watching.
Amused by her presence the builders would smile and give her small tasks to 'help'. Carrying a bucket between builders, turning on the hose, passing messages and so forth. They would let her sit with them while eating lunch and the girl essentially became their mascot, with her own tiny hard hat and gloves as well.
At the end of the second week of construction, the foreman gave the girl a little yellow pay envelope, containing five dollars. The girl excitedly took it home to her parents.
Her Mom was impressed and saw an opportunity to teach the girl about work, money and saving, so took her and the five dollars to the bank.
The bank teller was greatly amused when the Mother explained how the girl had earned the money and was looking to earn interest on it.
She turned to the girl and said "You worked very hard to earn this. Well done! Let me open an account right away."
The girl was beaming as she handed over the money.
The bank teller handed her a deposit slip and asked "Do you think you'll be returning to the work site next week sweetheart?"
The girl thought about it for a moment and then nodded, adding "Yes, if the cunts from Home Depot deliver the fucking concrete".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad30pa/nsfw_the_little_girl_and_the_construction_site/
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Nsfw, what's the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer?

A sex worker can clean their crack and sell it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad2zxc/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_sex_worker/
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I'd like to give a thank you to my fingers.

I always know I can count on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad2yoq/id_like_to_give_a_thank_you_to_my_fingers/
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I only look at 4K films now.

It's my New Years resolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad2yh2/i_only_look_at_4k_films_now/
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I don't know why my friends got mad at me for sending them a virus.

I specifically stated in the EULA that it was a virus not a game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad2sax/i_dont_know_why_my_friends_got_mad_at_me_for/
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I’d rather have a dog than a kid

If my dog dies at 12 it lived a long life, if my kid dies at 12 then it’s a way bigger deal and I fucked up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad2r3o/id_rather_have_a_dog_than_a_kid/
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Why did Hitler trip over his dog?

He did Nazi him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad2p2k/why_did_hitler_trip_over_his_dog/
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What do you call a waffle rolling down a California beach?

A sandy eggo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad2o37/what_do_you_call_a_waffle_rolling_down_a/
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The Thanksgiving Story

Was told this joke when I was around 7 or 8 and thought it was the shit. Thought you guys might appreciate it as much as 7 year old me did.
The story starts off 1 week before Thanksgiving. A little boy is playing with some toys on his front porch. All of the sudden some teenagers show up and start dicking around on the lawn. The boy's mother comes out of the house and yells "Get off my lawn you Bitches and Bastards!" not realizing her son was sitting right there. All the teenagers scatter. The little boy then asked his mom "mommy mommy what does bitches and bastards mean?" The mom responded "Umm ... boys and girls."
Fast forward to that night. The little boy is having trouble sleeping and goes over to his parent's room to get them to help him. He opens their door and walks over to the bed but does not see either of them there. All of the sudden he starts hearing some sounds from the closet. The boy walked over and opened the door. He ended up seeing his parents having sex and moaning "mmm dicks and vaginas." The parents realized their kid was standing watching them, and quickly covered themselves up with the first clothing items they could find. The little boy then asked "Daddy daddy what does dicks and vaginas mean?" The dad replied "Umm ... coats and hats."
Now, thanksgiving day arrives. Both the boy's parents are trying to get nervous as both of their parents are coming over for dinner. The little boy goes upstairs to find his dad shaving in the washroom. The dad then exclaimed loudly "SHIT!" because he cut himself by accident. The little boy, being himself asked "daddy daddy what does shit mean?" The dad, thinking quick on his feet said "Shaving."
The little boy then went downstairs to try and help his mom in the kitchen. He walks in and sees her carving a turkey. All of the sudden the mom yelled "FUCK!" as she cut herself as well. The little boy said "mommy mommy what does fuck mean?" The mother, used to her son's questions responded "cutting."
Suddenly, the doorbell rings. The mom, busy in the kitchen told her son to go get the door. The boy opened the door. It was his grandparents. He immediately said "Hello bitches and bastards may I please take your dicks and vaginas?" His grandma said "Young man, where are your parents!" The little boy then responded "well my dad is upstairs shitting himself and my mom's busy in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad2mus/the_thanksgiving_story/
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What do you call an old joke that still really funny?

Historical

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad2fjx/what_do_you_call_an_old_joke_that_still_really/
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What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad29ye/what_did_the_zero_say_to_the_eight/
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Did you know that light travels faster than sound?

That's why some people appear bright until they start talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad1v7e/did_you_know_that_light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock's vagina in Bird Box?

Bandersnatch.
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad1tzk/what_did_netflix_do_when_they_found_uncensored/
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The only thing flat earthers fear...

Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad1m5f/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
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Do you want to know what an acorn is?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad1ko9/do_you_want_to_know_what_an_acorn_is/
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Yo mamma so fat...

The only thing stopping her from joining the gym is the front door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad1i1h/yo_mamma_so_fat/
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Why does California have so many lawyers and New York has so much garbage?

New York had first choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad1gzu/why_does_california_have_so_many_lawyers_and_new/
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Just watched a documentary about stroke survivors

Very one sided

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad1et3/just_watched_a_documentary_about_stroke_survivors/
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Why don't people ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really f***ing good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad1dly/why_dont_people_ever_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.
Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed.  I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree.  And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.”
Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.”
His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior.  We’ve tried everything.”
Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.”  The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan.
On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed.  Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.
Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door.
Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop.
Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard.  After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?”
Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad1dej/nsfw_in_honor_of_my_father_his_favorite_joke_of/
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Did you hear about the cross-eyed couple's break-up?

They couldn't see eye to eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad1c18/did_you_hear_about_the_crosseyed_couples_breakup/
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My girlfriend caught me trying to stick a tiny blonde wig and a guitar onto a wasp...

She pleaded, "Don't do that! You'll make him Sting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad16h6/my_girlfriend_caught_me_trying_to_stick_a_tiny/
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A boy has a crush on a girl at his school. He sees that a dance is coming up soon so he decides to ask her to the dance.

Shes says yes, so he decides he should get some flowers for her. He goes to the flower shop and there is a huge line. He waits and waits for almost and hour, he eventually gets to the front and buys some roses for her. He then decides it would be a good idea to get a limo. He goes to the limo rentals and again, there is a massive line. He waits and waits and waits for almost and hour and eventually gets to the front of the line and rents a limo. Well the day of the dance is here so he picks up the girl in the limo and gives her the flowers. They drive to the dance, but before they can get inside they see a huge line. They wait and wait and wait for almost and hour. They eventually get inside and everything is going well, but the girl says she is thirsty for some punch. The boy goes to get them both drinks and there is no punch line.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad15t3/a_boy_has_a_crush_on_a_girl_at_his_school_he_sees/
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Why are there no cats on Mars?

Because Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad157p/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
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Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying "motherfucker". Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying "motherfucker".

Oedipus: You guys are all talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad117n/richard_pryor_i_got_famous_for_saying/
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My dog Minton ate my shuttlecock

BADMINTON

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad0xf5/my_dog_minton_ate_my_shuttlecock/
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The Greeks invented sex

The Italians just introduced it to women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad0x14/the_greeks_invented_sex/
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I was in an art gallery one time and I went up to this lady staring at a painting.

I told her: "This painting reminds me of my grandfather; he always had wonderful strokes."
She replied "Oh that's lovely; where is he now?"
"Well the last one finally killed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad0vzc/i_was_in_an_art_gallery_one_time_and_i_went_up_to/
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And here’s another lesson in good manners.

Throwing the bouquet behind you to see who’s next?
Really poor taste at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad0ty6/and_heres_another_lesson_in_good_manners/
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She doesn’t see me like I see her...

She’s so beautiful and kind...
And I’m in the bushes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad0smg/she_doesnt_see_me_like_i_see_her/
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What does a terrorist say before a cruise?

Bomb voyage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad0rxs/what_does_a_terrorist_say_before_a_cruise/
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I’ve got a date with destiny.

She’s £40 an hour, or £200 for the night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad0ncv/ive_got_a_date_with_destiny/
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A poor man and a rich man are talking to each about Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f\*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad0bts/a_poor_man_and_a_rich_man_are_talking_to_each/
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What do anti-vaxxers and responsible bartenders have in common?

They don't give kids shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad0bk6/what_do_antivaxxers_and_responsible_bartenders/
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It's kind of nice to run into your ex on the street.

She flew at least a good 25 yards away, liberating experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ad06rl/its_kind_of_nice_to_run_into_your_ex_on_the_street/
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What do you call a router in a Nazi's house?

An Axis point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aczzhu/what_do_you_call_a_router_in_a_nazis_house/
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What’s the difference between beginner and expert bagpipers?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aczpd9/whats_the_difference_between_beginner_and_expert/
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What weighs more one hundred pounds of steel or 100 pounds of feathers?

100 pounds of feathers is heavier because you have the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aczovr/what_weighs_more_one_hundred_pounds_of_steel_or/
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I was shocked to find out how much vibrators cost nowadays.

My wife is sitting on a small fortune.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aczljx/i_was_shocked_to_find_out_how_much_vibrators_cost/
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Why didn't the sloth go extinct?

They didn't plan on going anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aczldr/why_didnt_the_sloth_go_extinct/
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I watched a great documentary about how old ships are put together.

Riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aczere/i_watched_a_great_documentary_about_how_old_ships/
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The Coffin

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER… FASTER…
BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...
Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP…
…on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…
and then,
The coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aczc90/the_coffin/
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There are 10 types of people in this world

Those that understand binary and those that don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aczb87/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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3 British sailors come over to the New World

Soon after they scout the area, they get captured by a vicious group of native Americans. The native Americans circle around them with bows, and are about to fire when the sailors beg for mercy. The native Americans finally agree to let them free, as long as they can accomplish a simple task. They tell each explorer to go to the nearby forest and grab a fruit, then bring it back to them.
The first guy walks back to the tribe with a peach. The native Americans tell him to stick it up his ass and if he laughs then they will kill him. He tries to do it but fails the task so they kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape. The native Americans give him the same task. He tries but he laughs so they kill him too.
Later, the first and second guy meet up in heaven. The first guy says, “I had a peach which was fuzzy, so it tickled me. But you had a grape, why would that make you laugh?”
He responds, “Well, I was doing just fine until I saw he last guy come back smiling and holding a pineapple!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acz87r/3_british_sailors_come_over_to_the_new_world/
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I really admire geologists.

They leave no stone unturned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acz7q6/i_really_admire_geologists/
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Did you hear they arrested a rapist mime?

He got off without a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acz67w/did_you_hear_they_arrested_a_rapist_mime/
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I still remember my grandpa's last words

AAARGH! STOP MOVING THE FUCKING LADDER!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acz4c8/i_still_remember_my_grandpas_last_words/
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My girlfriend was mad because she found out that her contact name was “Bitch” on my phone.

Good thing she didn’t notice that it was “Bitch #3”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acz1il/my_girlfriend_was_mad_because_she_found_out_that/
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What is Hitler's favourite TV show?

The amazing race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acz1eb/what_is_hitlers_favourite_tv_show/
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Four Types of Female Orgasms (nsfw)

Fred do you know that women have four types of orgasms?
No what are they?
You can tell by the sounds they make.
First is the religious Orgasm Oh God O GOD O GOD!!!
Second is the negative Orgasm oh no OH NO  NO NO!!!
Third is the posative Orgasm oh yes OH YES YES YES!!!
Last is the fake orgasm oh Fred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acyzz7/four_types_of_female_orgasms_nsfw/
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A man is selling bananas at the market

One woman comes up to his stall and says 'I want bananas that are short and thick'. The seller gives her bananas she asks for.
Another woman comes up and says 'I want bananas that are long and slim'. He gives her what she wants.
Then a man comes up to the stall. The vendor asks him 'Which bananas would you like, sir?'. The man replies 'I don't care, I eat them'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acyywp/a_man_is_selling_bananas_at_the_market/
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Who says guys don’t remember anniversaries!

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or you’re going to prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acyxh3/who_says_guys_dont_remember_anniversaries/
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A nurse takes a rectal thermometer out of their pocket and says

“Some asshole’s got my pen”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acyw7p/a_nurse_takes_a_rectal_thermometer_out_of_their/
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Being both a moth and a sea captain is hard.

You're in charge of the ship, but up ahead you see a lighthouse. You know you shouldn't... but...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acyv9j/being_both_a_moth_and_a_sea_captain_is_hard/
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Why did the butter knife fail all his classes?

He was just too dull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acyrx2/why_did_the_butter_knife_fail_all_his_classes/
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6-year-old daughter: “Daddy, what is 69?”

Me: “It’s just a number dear.”
Daughter: “Lol, no wonder why momma left you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acyr7v/6yearold_daughter_daddy_what_is_69/
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What do you call a young male cow?

a cowboy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acyq3o/what_do_you_call_a_young_male_cow/
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They say if you love something, let it go.

I assume that’s why I was fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acyq11/they_say_if_you_love_something_let_it_go/
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What do you call a magician dog?

A labracadabrador‬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acylqf/what_do_you_call_a_magician_dog/
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE. ...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET....
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
(Credit friends FB post)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acyjeu/two_irishmen_walk_into_a_pet_shop/
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Joke to tell during sex

During sex I told my girlfriend to tell me a knock knock joke, here’s how it went:
*3 minutes into some mediocre sex*
Me: hey, tell me a knock knock joke
Her: uhhh, okay. knock knock
Me: IM COMING!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acyiil/joke_to_tell_during_sex/
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There was a sign on a shop window. It said "Looking for a full-time cleaner. Give us a call."

So I phoned them up and said, "I saw the notice in your window. I think I might be able to help."
"Oh yes?" replied an eager voice.
"Yes," I said. "If you give me a description of their appearance I can go out and search for them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acyifb/there_was_a_sign_on_a_shop_window_it_said_looking/
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What's Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?

Cantelope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acyhsz/whats_romeo_and_juliets_least_favorite_fruit/
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I got fired at my job today!

My career as a human canon ball at the circus is going as planned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acyhrr/i_got_fired_at_my_job_today/
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A blind man walks into a bar...

... And a table, and a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acya6j/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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When I was getting my sentence, the judged asked me ”How does 5 to 10 years sound?”

I really shouldn’t have responded ”Sexy as fuck”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acya3c/when_i_was_getting_my_sentence_the_judged_asked/
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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are at an earless child's birthday party

They decide to give the kid some advice on how to look after himself as he grows up so he doesn't end up with the same health problems they have. The Englishman steps up first: "Son, make sure you eat well and exercise. You don't want to end up like me and get diabetes. Because if you do, your feet will hurt, you'll always need to pee, and it will take years off your life."
The Scotsman offers the earless child some advice next: "Son, make sure you brush your teeth at least twice a day. You don't want to end up like me and not have a tooth in your head. Because if you do, you won't be able to chew food right, you'll be in pain, and no woman is gonna want to date a guy with bad teeth."
The Irishman is last to offer advice. He isn't too sure what to say at first as he is in decent health, but finally thinks of something: "Son, make sure you look after you eyesight. You don't want to end up like me and need glasses. Because if you do, you won't have any ears to hang them on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acy8ud/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_are_at/
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When life hands you lemons, do not have sex with them.

That's how you get LemonAIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acy82t/when_life_hands_you_lemons_do_not_have_sex_with/
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What grocery store chain is the most similar to American Schools?

Target.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acy5xv/what_grocery_store_chain_is_the_most_similar_to/
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My mother asked me about my new girlfriend and I told her that her sex was amazing.

She said, "OK, and what about your girlfriend's?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acy5l9/my_mother_asked_me_about_my_new_girlfriend_and_i/
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An Englishman walks into a pub with an ostrich and a talking cat...

He goes to the barkeep and orders a beer. The bartender says "That'll be £1.50"
The man looks over to the cat, who scoffs and says, "I ain't paying for that shit!"
The man sighs, reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £1.50 and hands it to the bartender.
The bartender finds this odd, but accepts the money and moves on.
The man then orders a shot of whiskey.
The bartender tells the man that it'll cost £2.39.
The cat once again exclaims, "I ain't paying for that shit!"
The man pulls exact change out of his pocket and pays for the shot.
Confused, the bartender decides to ask the man, "How do you keep giving me exact change? And what's with the cat and the ostrich?"
The man replies, "I was once given two wishes by a magical genie. My first wish was to always have exact change in my pocket for whatever I was about to buy, and my second wish was for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acy4nw/an_englishman_walks_into_a_pub_with_an_ostrich/
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Dads are like boomerangs.

I don’t know how to throw a boomerang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acy3w8/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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My girlfriend was just like a spicy burrito.

It hurt when she left me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acy3nl/my_girlfriend_was_just_like_a_spicy_burrito/
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So I got fired from my first job today...

I guess you can't make out with customers.
Babysitting was boring anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acy35q/so_i_got_fired_from_my_first_job_today/
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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?
Boy: Pockets.
Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: OH MY GOD.
Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acy0xk/a_female_class_teacher_was_having_a_problem_with/
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My brother was telling me a story in the pub.

"I had this friend," he began.
"Yeah?" I replied. "What happened?"
He said, "He was out having fun and getting drunk, fifteen minutes after he was killed."
"That's impressive," I told him, "still celebrating even after his death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxzy9/my_brother_was_telling_me_a_story_in_the_pub/
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I dont always tell Dad jokes,

But when I do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxymi/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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There was once a snail that was tired of being slow.

He went out and bought a really fast sports car and had the dealer paint a big 'S' on each side of it.
Whenever someone saw him zooming past in his new car, they would say, "Hey, look at that S-car go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxwir/there_was_once_a_snail_that_was_tired_of_being/
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A buddy of mine has box seats for the upcoming Super Bowl

He paid $2500 each for them, but when he bought them months ago, he forgot didn’t know that the Super Bowl would be on the same day as his wedding. So he’s looking for someone to take his place. It’s at the St. Andrews church on Queen St at 4:30 pm. The brides name is Nicole, is 5’3” 105 lbs and is a damn fine cook too. She’ll be the one in the white dress, can’t miss her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxvst/a_buddy_of_mine_has_box_seats_for_the_upcoming/
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A hamburger walks into a bar...

And the bartender says “Sorry we don’t serve food here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxukx/a_hamburger_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man buys a robot that slaps liars

He puts it on the dinner table, and explains what it is. He then asks his son where he was today when he should have been at school.
"I was at school!" The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the cinema."
"Who were you with and what did you watch?" The father asks.
"I was with my friends and we watched a Disney movie." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was with a girl and we snuck into an adult movie."
"That's awful." The father says "when I was your age I followed the rules and didn't chase girls." The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs "you can't be too hard on him then, he is your son after all!"
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxrna/a_man_buys_a_robot_that_slaps_liars/
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The bird of freedom is the eagle

The bird of wisdom is the owl. The bird of love is the dove. What's the bird of true love?
The swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxoji/the_bird_of_freedom_is_the_eagle/
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There once was a man...

...who worked at a shop where everything was $2.80. He said the same thing to customers; '2.80', ' the best', and 'if you don't someone else will'. This usually works well for him.
A customer comes up and asks, " how much is this?"
$2.80"
"how's the quality?"
"the best"
Should I buy it?"
"if you don't, someone else will."
The next day, a gang of armed robbers walks into the store.
"oi, how much money is in the register?"
"$2.80"
"is this some kind of joke?"
"the best!"
" do you want me to shoot you?"
"if you don't, someone else will!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxm5x/there_once_was_a_man/
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My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxivn/my_life_has_been_nothing_but_a_disappointment_the/
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What is politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxgqs/what_is_politics/
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My friends addicted to drinking brake fluid...

But he tells me he can stop anytime he wants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxfgr/my_friends_addicted_to_drinking_brake_fluid/
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A guy goes to meet his girlfriend‘s parents

... and they are staying with them on the family farm for a few days. On the second day the father comes in and says “hey city-fella you look pretty bored, there’s a shotgun in the closet by the back door, why don’t you take the dogs out and go hunting.”  The guy comes back in about an hour later, father asks him “hey how did it go?” Guy says “that was fantastic… Have you got any more dogs?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxe7q/a_guy_goes_to_meet_his_girlfriends_parents/
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I’ve never been caught wanking.

Touch wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxcsx/ive_never_been_caught_wanking/
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We don’t do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama.

You never turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxcit/we_dont_do_the_reverse_cowgirl_in_alabama/
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During a history lesson at a German school, Little Hans asks his teacher a question.

"Teacher, is it true that Russia has the longest street in the world?"
"I'm not sure" he replies, "why do you ask?"
"Well," Little Hans replies, "my grandpa told me he crawled one street in Stalingrad for four months, and he never reached the end of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acxbbd/during_a_history_lesson_at_a_german_school_little/
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In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.
As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.
But before he could hand over the throne,the King had only one request of his son. He asked the Prince, "Tapir, do you know what a Ripo is?"
The Prince answered "Yes, my beloved king. It is a wild bee like insect found in the remote forests of the land. They say it carries enough venom to kill an elephant."
To which the king said " You are right Prince. Now if you want to take your place in this throne and rule this land as your, bring back a Ripo, alive and unharmed."
The Prince was taken aback at this strange request. But "Old age gives wisdom and maybe the King will see this as a test of my valor" thought the price and said "As you wish my King. With your blessings and our army stuff my side, nothing is impossible."
The king, upon hearing this, erupted into thunderous laughter that shook the court. Then, he said "My dear Prince, this task is set down for you and only you. Any man who accompanies you will have a claim over the throne, if he wills."
At this point the Prince realised that his father is going insane but for the dignity of the throne he replied "As you wish my King". The price then set out to capture a Ripo alive.
The journey through the forest is filled with tales of cunning, bravery and luck as he faces beasts, monsters and sly men. After three weeks of sleepless nights and tiring days, the Prince came upon a nest of the wild insect. Each one the size of a cherry, they could not easily caught. Agitate just one, the entire hive will attack you.
So the Prince built a cage out of twigs and vines and places it among the bushes with a fruit as a bait. He waited three days and three nights before a curious one decided to visit the cage. As soon as it landed, the Prince closed the cage's door and smiled at the insect.
He was halfway through the task and the Prince was spurred by this. He rode non stop all the way back to the palace and made it back by the night fall on third day of the second week.
He is informed by the guards that the King will see him on the next day. The Prince stormed into the king's chamber carrying the cage with him, still weary from the journey and shouts "Oh king, I have brought what you willed for. Why do you make me wait now."
The king then took the cage from him and placed it down. He replied "Time favours those who wait" and dismissed him. Angry at the treatment but powerless, the Prince went back to his quarter and retired for the day.
The next day, the Prince is crowned as the new king by the prime minister in the absence of the king. When the Prince questiones his absence, the prime minister informed him that the King is indisposed.
The Prince, now satisfied with the crowning but confused by his father's absence, visited the Royal Quarters. There he saw his father, with the insect in his hands, posing for a strike and drew out his sword. But the king replies, "Rule well my son. My end is here. You may wonder why I asked you to bring this vile bee here and I will give you the answer now".
" The saying is true and this insect's venom can kill an elephant. But it is a secret that a death by this insect will take me to heaven. Learn today that Ripo's Sting gives you karma and be at peace".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acx3eg/in_the_mythical_kingdoms_of_ancient_india_lived/
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Have you pooped yet in 2019?

Or are you still hanging on to shit that happens last year?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acx2mg/have_you_pooped_yet_in_2019/
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I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acwxc2/i_enjoy_one_glass_of_wine_each_night_for_its/
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An Irish man knocks on an old lady’s door.

He asks her, is there any work I can do for you?
She says yeah can you paint the porch
He agrees and she gets him some paint.
Some time later he comes back and says, “I’m finished, but It’s not a porch it’s a BMW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acwtrx/an_irish_man_knocks_on_an_old_ladys_door/
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What was hitlers favorite drink?

Genocider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acwqhd/what_was_hitlers_favorite_drink/
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Best January Joke I heard so far

Yesterday my friends dropped by my place without warning for a cup of tea.
The wife pulled me aside & said, "There's no sugar in the house, how can I serve tea?"
I winked at her & said, "Make tea without sugar for all, leave the rest to me."
As soon as the tea was served then i said to my guests, "Let's play a game of chance. One cup of tea has no sugar, who ever gets it will take us all for dinner tonight."
The result?
All guests claimed they had never tasted such sweet tea!
January wisdom, thank me later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acwolf/best_january_joke_i_heard_so_far/
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Recently discovered I have an outdoors fetish when I accidentally locked myself out of the house.

Now I can’t come inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acwn1t/recently_discovered_i_have_an_outdoors_fetish/
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An old man gets a letter from the IRS

Just kidding, the IRS is shut down right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acwkwm/an_old_man_gets_a_letter_from_the_irs/
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An Old One That I Forget Where It Came From

Let me tell you a story about Dave. Dave was a very successful man in the field of Medicine. He had his own office. He had a cute receptionist. He had plenty of patients who loved him and everything was going his way.
But Dave had a secret that he was terrified of. You see, Dave recently entered into an intimate relationship with one of his patients which is a big No-No in the medical field. Dave started freaking out thinking about what would happen if the news got a hold of this story. He would pace back and forth in his office for hours when he didn't have any patients to deal with.
But in this trying time, Dave heard a reassuring voice in the back of his head speaking out to him and easing his worries. The voice would say " Dave, you have nothing to be afraid of. You are a smart, kind, caring, good looking, rich doctor. You've been working all your life for helping others so I don't see why it's so bad for you to be happy in this situation. If the news wants to make a big deal of it, so what? Big deal. Who cares?"
And Dave would think himself yeah!  You know what? Maybe I do deserve this. And Dave would feel better about his predicament and care less about what others would think and he would be able to get through a few days without worry.
But then another voice, malicious and degrading, would speak to Dave.
"Daaave..." the voice sputtered, dripping with hatred and disgust.
"What do you think you're doing? You can't enter into a relationship with one of your patients!"
Dave tried to shrug the voice off as he went about his routine, but the voice still echoed through the back of his mind.
"You can't do this, Dave! You're a veterenarian!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acwjs5/an_old_one_that_i_forget_where_it_came_from/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went round killing gingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acwffw/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_kkk_member/
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An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar.

I know because they told everyone within two minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acwbh3/an_atheist_a_vegan_and_a_cross_fitter_walk_into_a/
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If I had a pound for every time I went to the job centre...

I'd be able to afford another pack of cigarettes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acwb73/if_i_had_a_pound_for_every_time_i_went_to_the_job/
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My friend died

when we couldn’t remember what his blood type was. Before he died, he kept saying “be positive”, but it’s really hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acw95r/my_friend_died/
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Why do I love outer space?

Space rocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acw13z/why_do_i_love_outer_space/
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Three blondes are walking through a forest when they spot tracks on the ground

The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No, you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acvtu9/three_blondes_are_walking_through_a_forest_when/
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I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.

I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron".
I looked around and didn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9-Iron."
I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So I put my other club away, and grabbed a 9-iron. Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked!
So I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" I asked.
"Ribbit. 3-wood," the frog replied.
I took out my 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one.
It was incredible. By the end of the day, I had golfed the best game of golf in my life. So I asked the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
We went to Las Vegas, went to Caesar's Palace and the frog said, "Ribbit. Roulette."
When I got to the roulette table, the frog said, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
Now, this was a million-to-one shot to win, but by this point I trusted the frog completely. I put it all on black 6 and, amazingly, won! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table.
Suddenly I was a high roller. They put me up in the best room in the hotel. I looked at the frog down and said, "Frog, you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful. I don't know how to repay you!"
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
So I thought, "Why not? After all the frog did for me, it is a small price to pay." With the kiss, however, the frog turned into a gorgeous 17 year-old girl.
"And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acvtr7/i_took_the_day_off_work_and_decided_to_go_out/
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A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acvrq4/a_woman_visits_her_husband_in_prison/
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After I fell down and cut my knee, a friend said I should use a sodium chloride solution to make it heal faster

It was really rubbing salt in the wound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acvrko/after_i_fell_down_and_cut_my_knee_a_friend_said_i/
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An old man goes to a pride parade

An old man is on his way to a coffee shop, and across the street he sees a gay pride parade. He’s puzzled as to what it is, so he decides to check it out.
He goes up to a 20-something man there and says “excuse me sir, what is this?”
“This is a gay pride parade!”
“Huh,” says the old man, “when I was your age being gay wasn’t something people were proud of. People would hide it or be mocked endlessly.”
“Well,” says the man, “that still does happen, but times are changing. It’s more accepted, and they’ve legalized same-sex marriage!”
“It was illegal?” asks the old man.
“Well, yeah.”
The old man, puzzled, exclaims; “my wife and I have been having the same sex for 35 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acvr9a/an_old_man_goes_to_a_pride_parade/
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Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because everyone's dying to get in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acvpjh/why_are_there_gates_around_cemeteries/
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My protractor broke

I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acvmsq/my_protractor_broke/
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If Kim Jong-Un like nukes so much...

Isn’t he just Fallout Boy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acvl5b/if_kim_jongun_like_nukes_so_much/
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The Mexican instructor at the gym knew a lot about protein supplements.

So one day, I approached him and said,
"Jesus, show me the whey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acvkh8/the_mexican_instructor_at_the_gym_knew_a_lot/
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Johnny was a chemist, Johnny is no more

What Johnny thought was water, was H2SO4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acvf4t/johnny_was_a_chemist_johnny_is_no_more/
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Dads are like boomerangs

If they’re broke they don’t come back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acvezi/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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What has eight legs, eight eyes, and weaves a deadly web of poison?

A Fox News "discussion" panel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acvd6g/what_has_eight_legs_eight_eyes_and_weaves_a/
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A man goes to a Psychologist...

The doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?"
The patient replies "Well, I think I might be obsessed with sex."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and pulls out a set of Rorschach test cards.  He picks up the top card and shows it to the man, asking "What do you see on this card?"
"A man and a woman making love"
The doctor puts the card down and pulls up the next one in the deck.  "And what do you see now?"
"A man and a woman making love."
The doctor keeps pulling up cards and the man keeps responding with the same thought.  Eventually, the psychologist puts the cards back into his desk drawer and says "Well, it seems that you do indeed have an obsession with sex."
"Me?" replies the man.  "Doc, you're the one who keeps showing me dirty pictures!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acvbwm/a_man_goes_to_a_psychologist/
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Starting the year on a clean slate

Bank account nice and empty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acvbh5/starting_the_year_on_a_clean_slate/
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I love smooth jazz...

but only if it's played in one ear with breaks every 30 seconds telling me how important of a customer I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acv847/i_love_smooth_jazz/
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My mother heard me in her room and started yelling...

My mother heard me in her room and started yelling,
I don't know what your into but I'm going to spank your ass.
I yelled back " jokes on you that is what I'm into"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acv0bq/my_mother_heard_me_in_her_room_and_started_yelling/
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God is love

The devil 40 ...... Match point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acv0aw/god_is_love/
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A man is returning from a grocery store and is driving back home

Suddenly a red midget stops him, and says: I'm an asshole red midget if you won't give me a strawberry I won't let you continue, so the man, too tired to fight him, gives the red midget a strawberry.
The man continues driving and suddenly a yellow midget stops him, and says: I'm an asshole yellow midget and if you won't give me a banana I won't let you continue, so the man, again, too tired to fight him, gives the yellow midget a banana.
The man continues driving and suddenly a blue midget stops him, and the angry man says: yeah, yeah, you're an asshole blue midget what do you want? And the blue midget says: license please!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acuw1o/a_man_is_returning_from_a_grocery_store_and_is/
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I hope you're into BDSM

Cuz my humor is pure pun-ishment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acurcs/i_hope_youre_into_bdsm/
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I met a new friend at the mall recently. He said to me , "I'm a man of few words."

And I replied, "Yeah, I'm married too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acuqeo/i_met_a_new_friend_at_the_mall_recently_he_said/
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A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin

Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone.
A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s loading the penguin up.
“Just what do you think you’re doing with that penguin?” The officer demands
“I haven’t a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured I’d pick him up” The man replied
“Well I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!” The officer suggested.
So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo.
The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over.
“Hey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!” The officer stated
“Yeah we did that yesterday, today I’m taking him to the ball game”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acupla/a_man_driving_down_the_street_sees_a_penguin/
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What act is worth 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acup9l/what_act_is_worth_45_cents/
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What is Jesus' favorite band?

Nine Inch Nails

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acundr/what_is_jesus_favorite_band/
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After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated heads. The smell of rotting flesh coming from these dug up holes was overwhelming for the police - however, one hole in particular emanated a distinctly awful stench - strangely, it smelled strongly of body odour. The police were baffled by this. It was only upon excavation that they discovered....it was the arm pit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acul1l/after_months_of_detective_work_police_have/
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Orion's Belt, what a waist of space.

Terrible joke, only 3 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acujv5/orions_belt_what_a_waist_of_space/
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CIA Entrance Test

3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.
The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to shoot their spouse, to see how good they are at following orders. After several minutes, the applicant leaves, in tears. "I can't do it," they say. "I'm sorry," says the CIA examiner. "I guess you don't have what it takes to be in the CIA."
The next applicant is called into the room, and after being given the same scenario, he too leaves the room, in tears. "I just can't shoot my wife," he says. "I love her too much." "We understand," says the examiner, "but you don't have what it takes."
Finally the third applicant is ushered into the room. Almost immediately, there is a sound of rapid gunfire. After a few moments, there is a loud calamity followed by banging and things breaking. The applicant finally emerges from the room, disheveled. "What happened?!" exclaimed the examiner. The man replies, "you guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks - I had to beat my wife ro death with the chair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acui8k/cia_entrance_test/
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Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced

"Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry - we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry we still have one engine left."
By then, though, the man sitting next to me turns and says, "Damn son, we lose one more engine and we'll be staying here all day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acu9v3/fifteen_minutes_into_the_flight_from_kansas_city/
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Why are black people so tall?

Their knee grows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acu8qw/why_are_black_people_so_tall/
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I had a car crash the other day.

A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acu8ar/i_had_a_car_crash_the_other_day/
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I finally figured out the problem with my brain

On the left, there's nothing right, and on the right, there's nothing left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acu7m3/i_finally_figured_out_the_problem_with_my_brain/
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention

, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None."
The teacher asks, "Why?"
Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."
The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."
Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acu62i/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class_and_she_sees_that/
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I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.

It's Tangled and Frozen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acu5yt/i_tied_two_disney_dvds_with_strings_and_placed_it/
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Bunga Bunga

Three men were exploring a large uncharted island. While hiking through the thick forest they were ambushed at spear-point by a tribe of large aboriginal men. The tribesmen tied their hands behind their backs and marched them through the forest to a small village, busy with working men, and gorgeous topless women who all stopped to marvel at the strangers.
The men were led to the center of the village in front of a large heavily guarded hut. They were lined up side by side and forced to their knees with a tribesman standing behind each man, a spear tip put the the back of their necks waiting to penetrate and kill each man. One of the war party tribesmen walked to the door of the large hut and spoke loudly towards the entrance, and then backed away.
Appearing through the door was a very large man, riding on a throne carried by ten of the most beautiful topless women the explorers had ever seen.
The first man spoke, “The women are gorgeous!”
“....and that must be their leader”, said the second man.
The chief yelled, “Quiet strangers!” As the women placed the throne in front of the men.
The chief pointed at the first man, “you have trespassed sacred lands, stranger. You must choose: Death or Bunga Bunga”
“Wait, what?” The first man spoke. “We come in peace and....”
“SILENCE!” The chief yelled. “Choose... death or Bunga Bunga!”
The first man looked at the other two and said “I’m too young to die. I have my whole life ahead of me, and look at these women. Maybe Bunga Bunga isn’t so bad...” and turned to the chief and said “I choose Bunga Bunga.”
The chief smiled and clapped his hands together very loudly twice and bellowed “BUNGA BUNGA”
Just then two of the biggest tribesman came through the crowd that had gathered.
Big and muscular, these two were huge and mean looking. They snatched up the first man, tore all his clothes from him, bent him over, and forced him into the roughest anal sex anyone had ever seen.
The other two explorers stared in horror as the chief laughed. When the two tribesman were finished, they threw the man down, and tossed him his tattered clothes.
The chief said “you may go now, to never return, or death will be certain!” The first explorer grabbed his clothes and ran off screaming into the forest.
The chief pointed at the second explorer... “you have trespassed sacred lands. You must choose... Death or Bunga Bunga”
The second explorer look at the third and said, “I’m to young to die. I have a wife and two children. I want to see them grow up and marry. I want to be a grandfather. My god... I have to chose the other.” Eyes wide open he turned back to the chief and said “I chose Bunga Bunga.”
The chief smiled and clapped his hands together very loudly twice and bellowed “BUNGA BUNGA”
The two tribesman grabbed explorer two and repeated the rough anal sex. When they were done, the chief bellowed, “you may go now, to never return, or death will be certain!” The explorer grabbed his clothes and ran off screaming into the forest just like the first.
The chief, smiling, pointed at explorer three... “you have trespassed sacred lands. You must choose.... Death or Bunga Bunga”
The third explorer smiled back at the chief and said, “you know what chief? I am an older man. I have lived a long, good life. My wife has passed away, my kids are grown...”
The third explorer then rose to his feet and said, “I don’t fear death as the other two did.” A smug look came across his face and he smirked at the chief, “There is no way in hell that two giant men are going to have their way with me like that. I choose DEATH!”
The chief slowly smiled and said...”I admire your courage. You would make a good warrior....” he then stood, raised his hands, clapped loudly three times, and bellowed...
“DEATH... by Bunga Bunga”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acu48t/bunga_bunga/
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The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.
As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?", shouts William, "A crocodile?"
"NO!!" yells Stephen, "Alec ate her"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acu37w/the_baldwins_are_on_a_family_holiday_in/
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Why is being in the military like a blow-job ?

Q : Why is being in the military like a blow-job ?
A : The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acu36h/why_is_being_in_the_military_like_a_blowjob/
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Phone sex is dangerous...

you could get hearing AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acu25o/phone_sex_is_dangerous/
%
Love you, babe xxx

The girlfriend texted, "Love you, babe xxx"
I replied, "Love you too, babe."
She wrote, "It'd mean a lot to me if you would start putting some x's at the end of your messages, babe xxx"
I answered, "Okay, babe. Linda, Mary, Judy, Barbara.." 🤣

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acu1tx/love_you_babe_xxx/
%
I killed 2 birds with one stone

Sadly, that's how I got fired from my job at the aviary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acu10n/i_killed_2_birds_with_one_stone/
%
A man sits alone at the bar...

The bartender, who is polishing wine glasses, is the only other person nearby.
The man sitting at the bar hears a voice call out to him.
“Hey there, I like your shoes.”
Not seeing anyone nearby, the perplexed man asks the bartender;
“Excuse me, did you say something?”
The bartender replies that he did not, and continues polishing glasses.
A little confused, the man shrugs his shoulders and continues with his drink.
The mystery voice appears again.
“Hey there buddy, I love your shirt!”
The man asks the bartender again if he heard anything, to which the bartender repeats that he did not.
Now very confused, the man continues his drink but it’s not long before the man again hears the voice say:
“You look really great today my good friend - have you been working out?”
Thinking he’s losing his mind, the man explains to the bartender desperately
“I’m sitting here all by myself and I keep hearing voices. First they say they like my shoes, then they say they love my shirt, and now they ask me if I’ve been working out. Please tell me what the hell is going on!!?”
“Ohhh..” says the bartender knowingly, as he explains.
“The voice you are hearing, that would be the peanuts.
“They’re complimentary.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actxif/a_man_sits_alone_at_the_bar/
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Three men are being trained to become top CIA agents...

After countless tests and exercises, their trainer tells them “alright this is your final test, if you make this, you will have completed your training and you will become the agent we expect you to be.”
He hands a gun to the first man and tells him “you walk in this room, and you shoot the person in that room. No questions asked.”
The first guy takes the gun, walks into the room and sees his wife attached to a chair. He immediately walks out and tells the trainer “no way, I cannot do it, I’m out.”
Second guy grabs the gun, walks into the room, and sees his wife attached to a chair. He starts shaking, sweating, crying. He points the gun at her, puts his finger on the trigger, then points the gun down and falls on his knees crying, he walks out covered in tears and says “I’m sorry I couldn’t do it, I’m not ready.”
The third guy takes the gun, and walks into the room. From outside the room, the trainer heard two gunshots, then a crazy noise, loud bangs and slams. Concerned by what the fuck is going on, he walks into the room and finds guy number 3 standing in front of his wife covered in blood. Guy number 3 turns to the trainer and says :
“You could have told me these were blanks in the gun, I had to finish her off with the chair”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actvpy/three_men_are_being_trained_to_become_top_cia/
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Don't insert citric acid into your body without medical supervision

you could get LemonAIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actv06/dont_insert_citric_acid_into_your_body_without/
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Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?

Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actsja/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_ireland/
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When I was exploring the area near Chernobyl, I touched an old electric pole.

That post gave me cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actpmw/when_i_was_exploring_the_area_near_chernobyl_i/
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What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't handle a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actn7k/whats_the_difference_between_three_dicks_and_a/
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Gotta love dad jokes

Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad.
Wife: No you’re not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actm1k/gotta_love_dad_jokes/
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Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?

Nevermind. I shouldn't spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actkx2/have_you_heard_the_rumor_going_around_about_butter/
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LPT: You can make easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It is like shooting fish in apparel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actjuv/lpt_you_can_make_easy_money_by_selling_pictures/
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So my cousin is having twins...

She posted "I'm expecting twins"
so I commented, finally two kids from the same man.
She blocked me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actju1/so_my_cousin_is_having_twins/
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If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting...

I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actfuu/if_you_gets_a_link_called_free_porn_dont_opin_it/
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Why does the Great Sphinx not have a nose?

Chuck Norris once told it "There's something on your chest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actf9s/why_does_the_great_sphinx_not_have_a_nose/
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How do Europeans smile?

They don’t. They skilometre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actdec/how_do_europeans_smile/
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Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”

Yoda:”Off course, we are.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actbvu/lukeyoda_are_we_heading_the_right_direction/
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/actb9a/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
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A string walks into a bar

, approaches the bartender and says, “Excuse me sir, I’d like a beer.”
The bartender says gruffly, “We don’t serve strings here,” and kicks the string out.
The string goes home and thinks, “What I need is a disguise.” So he twists himself around and around, tears himself at the edges, and thinks “This will do!”
The string goes back to the bar, approaches the bartender and says, “Excuse me sir, I’d like a beer.”
The bartender narrows his eyes and says “Hey...aren’t you that same string that was in here earlier?”
The string says “No, I’m a frayed knot!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/act7k6/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you need to reunite the Beatles?

2 bullets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/act6v5/what_do_you_need_to_reunite_the_beatles/
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People keep telling me to use shampoo...

Fuck them, I'm going to keep on using real poo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/act6tf/people_keep_telling_me_to_use_shampoo/
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Using a Ouija board, I tried to communicate with the dead. It spelled out "Ah ah ah yeah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive"...

Must have bought a Bee Gee board by mistake...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/act2o5/using_a_ouija_board_i_tried_to_communicate_with/
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A blonde girl, Debby, drives behind a truck in her car

She notices that the truck is losing its load, so when both the truck and her car come to a stop at a traffic light, Debby steps out and goes to tell the driver that he is losing his load. She stands next to the drivers door, and says: "Hello Sir, my name is Debby and you're losing your load." But the traffic light jumps to green and the truck driver drives further. "He must haven't heard me" Debby thinks. She gets in her car and follows the truck until it comes to a stop again for a traffic light. Debby gets out of her car and says, somewhat louder this time: "Hello Sir, my name is Debby and you're losing your load!" But the truck moves on. Debby, who's beginning to get irritated, gets in her car again and follows the truck until it finally comes to a stop once more. Debby gets out of her car and screams: "HELLO SIR, MY NAME IS DEBBY AND YOU'RE LOSING YOUR LOAD!" The truck driver opens his window and says: "Hello Ma'am, my name is Eric and I spread salt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/act2cy/a_blonde_girl_debby_drives_behind_a_truck_in_her/
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Kids nowadays just don't appreciate the sacrifice you make for their birthday.

She just screamed when I cut the goat's throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/act1io/kids_nowadays_just_dont_appreciate_the_sacrifice/
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An Old man attended a Faith Healing session

The preacher said "Stand up and walk"
Then the old man proceeded to stand up from his wheelchair and slowly walked. The shocked crowd yelled in praise.
The preacher asked him: "How are you feeling now?"
The old man replied: "I still can't see"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/act1i7/an_old_man_attended_a_faith_healing_session/
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Why was the young boy scared of the Pope's car?

It was a Catholic Prius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/act180/why_was_the_young_boy_scared_of_the_popes_car/
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Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?

I guess we&#39;ll know when the time comes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acsxju/is_the_world_ready_for_ejaculating_clocks/
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I quit my new job as a postman right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acsugy/i_quit_my_new_job_as_a_postman_right_after_they/
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I had a friend who was good a Russian roulette

He only lost once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acsud8/i_had_a_friend_who_was_good_a_russian_roulette/
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An old man notices a young boy walking down the street with some chicken wire.

The old man says "where you going with that there chicken wire?"
The boy says " going to catch me some chickens".
Old man " that ain't how you catch chickens"
A few hours later the old man sees the boy walking back with a bunch of chickens in his wire.
"
Ill be damned" thinks the old man.
The next day he sees the same boy with some Duck tape.
"What you going to do with that Duck tape?"
Boy says"going to catch me some ducks".
"That ain't how you catch ducks" says the old man.
Couple hours later the boy returns with a bunch of ducks stuck to his tape.
"Well hell" thinks the old man
Third day the boy comes walking by with a long reed that has some fluff at the end of it.
Old man says " what the hell you got now ?"
Boy says " its a pussywillow".
Old man says " hold on. Let me get my shoes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acssvr/an_old_man_notices_a_young_boy_walking_down_the/
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How do you offend a bunch of Zodiac sign believers?

"You're all Pisces of shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acsqf6/how_do_you_offend_a_bunch_of_zodiac_sign_believers/
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One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."  "Amazing," he notes.  "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the
woman. " On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.  Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.
Please sit down."  "Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,  "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes
upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering
closer to him, "We've both been out here for many
months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Motorcycle?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acsnx2/one_day_a_man_decided_to_retire/
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What do you call a flamboyant asian man who likes to sleep outside?

Camp Ping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acshdq/what_do_you_call_a_flamboyant_asian_man_who_likes/
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I’m not sorry

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle. Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acsdim/im_not_sorry/
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What is the advantage of being a prostitute over other jobs?

Lesser the experience, the better the pay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acsb1r/what_is_the_advantage_of_being_a_prostitute_over/
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In which nation do you get laid very easily?

Imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acs9nf/in_which_nation_do_you_get_laid_very_easily/
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Native American walks into a hotel.

Receptionist: “You have a reservation?”
Native American: “Fuck you man.”
Native American walks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acs9f5/native_american_walks_into_a_hotel/
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A boy fell in love with the neighbour's daughter

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter".
Father: "Oh hoo, I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell you something son, but you must
promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later,
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even
hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh ho, I wish you hadn't said that.
Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so
mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with
six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says,
Mother: "My love, you can date whoever you want.
Don't listen to him. He is not your Father."
Son  Fainted...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acs2on/a_boy_fell_in_love_with_the_neighbours_daughter/
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A teacher asks her class...

"If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acs046/a_teacher_asks_her_class/
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An ice cream man is driving his truck on a hot summer day.

He glances in his rear-view mirror, and notices a man running behind the truck. The man looks sweaty and exhausted and it's clear that he's been chasing the truck for blocks, if not longer. The driver immediately pulls over. "I'm sorry I didn't see you!" he says to the man when he gets to the window. "What can I get for you?"
"Oh, I don't want any ice cream," says the man, after a long pause to catch his breath. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm vegan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acrzqu/an_ice_cream_man_is_driving_his_truck_on_a_hot/
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A Couple were walking down a stern at night.

As they were walking, they pass by a house that seemed exceptionally quiet and dreary. The windows were pitch black, the chimney was spewing black smog, and the front door had darkness spilling from all edges. The husband was very curious as to why this house was so unnaturally dark, so went to the door and knocked. To his surprise, a buddhist monk answered the door, and behind the monk appeared to be skeletons dressed in black robes, or reapers. The man asked “what is all this good monk, why is your house full of reapers?”. The monk replied, “ah, you see, I am allowing these soul carriers to use my house for a reaper convention.” The man was puzzled as to why the monk would allow this, so he asked “but monk, why would you let them use your house instead of a grave yard?” The monk replied, “well you see, reap hosting is the best way for me to get karma.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acrys0/a_couple_were_walking_down_a_stern_at_night/
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Ranking all my previous relationships on a chart...

I have an 'ex' axis and a 'why' axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acryfl/ranking_all_my_previous_relationships_on_a_chart/
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Three sons having a discussion...

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.
"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."
"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her." said the second brother.
"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acrxhp/three_sons_having_a_discussion/
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My very Catholic sister-in-law asked me....

"When is epiphany this year?"
I said, "I don't know, but I'm sure it will come to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acrwt1/my_very_catholic_sisterinlaw_asked_me/
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My wife was threatening to leave me because of my misogyny. The next day I found her having sex with the neighbour..

All I could yell was "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PROPERTY"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acrwiv/my_wife_was_threatening_to_leave_me_because_of_my/
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Who makes baby powder?

The cremator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acrw9h/who_makes_baby_powder/
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acrv6r/a_policeman_was_interrogating_3_guys_who_were/
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Tyrion once walked into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass

Madame: What can we do for you? Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me. Madame: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule? Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey... Madame: And what about the third wish? Tyrion: Wel... she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee. Madame: Well that one's not so bad eh? Tyrion: Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acru8o/tyrion_once_walked_into_a_brothel_with_a/
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Told my crush I like girl with glasses

The next day, she invented contact lenses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acrt4z/told_my_crush_i_like_girl_with_glasses/
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Someone once asked me "What's your favourite shade?"

I said it was kind of a grey area

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acrsdw/someone_once_asked_me_whats_your_favourite_shade/
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If you don’t know what introspection is...

You need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acro1h/if_you_dont_know_what_introspection_is/
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Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be two and now it's a sensitive topic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acrmxg/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
I have the memory of a wooly mammoth

It's like an elephant's, but a little fuzzy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acrg6q/i_have_the_memory_of_a_wooly_mammoth/
%
I just watched a 20/20 special about John and Lorena Bobbitt

It was good,  but I got tired and had to cut it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acrg1v/i_just_watched_a_2020_special_about_john_and/
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Three buddies died in a car accident and went to heaven for an orientation.

They are asked, "When you were in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you have liked them to say about you?"
The first guy said, "I would have liked to hear them say, 'I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.'"
The second guy said, "I would have liked to hear them say, 'I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in many children's lives.'"
The last guy said, "I would liked to hear them say, ‘Look, he's moving!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acrfuq/three_buddies_died_in_a_car_accident_and_went_to/
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Having trouble comprehending space?

No matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acr7ns/having_trouble_comprehending_space/
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Odd

There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acr6hj/odd/
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And the Lord said unto John; 'Come forth and you shall receive eternal life.'

Unfortunately John came fifth and received a toaster instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acr6cn/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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My friend thought he is so smart, he said onions are the only food that make you cry.

So i threw a pineapple at him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acr4cp/my_friend_thought_he_is_so_smart_he_said_onions/
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What did the buffalo say to his son when he went to college?

Bye son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acqzuf/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_went/
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What's Gordon Ramsey's favorite way to have sex?

Fucking raw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acqvr5/whats_gordon_ramseys_favorite_way_to_have_sex/
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You’re American before you enter a restroom, you’re American when you leave,

But You’re a’peein once you are inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acqulf/youre_american_before_you_enter_a_restroom_youre/
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A frenchman, an englishman, and a new yorker go on an expedition and find an uncharted island.

It turns out it is run by cannibals.
They are ambushed, their weapons stolen, and they are apprehended by the chief of the tribe, who says "You are forbidden from setting foot on this island. We are going to eat you and use your skins to build a canoe. However, we are not without compassion. We will let you choose how you die."
The englishman says "Give me a gun."
So the cannibal chief hands him a gun and he yells "God save the queen!" before blowing his brains out. Then they skin him.
The frenchman, inspired by the englishman's bravery, says "give me a sword", and yells "Viva la france!" as he runs himself through. Then they skin him.
The new yorker says "gimme a fork", and the cannibal chief gives him a fork, and he jabs himself with it until he is full of thousands of holes and oozing blood.
puzzled, the chief asks "Any last words?"
"There goes your god damn canoe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acqubp/a_frenchman_an_englishman_and_a_new_yorker_go_on/
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Do you know how mace died

He went through the windu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acqslx/do_you_know_how_mace_died/
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I was a boy trapped in a women's body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acqryi/i_was_a_boy_trapped_in_a_womens_body/
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The cat

A wife went on a business trip leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.
After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day and then on the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyway, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acqpwa/the_cat/
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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis..

Thankfully, the priest is now in jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acqne8/i_was_blessed_with_a_9_inch_penis/
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I don't like gravity

It brings me down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acqmn6/i_dont_like_gravity/
%
In Soviet Russia....

Revolution industrializes you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acqfbq/in_soviet_russia/
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How do you know when you’re dating a Pisces?

Why? You never cared to ask me before and I’m the one that had to bring it up in the first place.
Never-mind, just forget I said anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acqcuv/how_do_you_know_when_youre_dating_a_pisces/
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When to stop saying happy new year

My manager asked me when he should stop saying happy new year. My immediate response was, "Probably after the next mass shooting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acqbpm/when_to_stop_saying_happy_new_year/
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I've been avoiding this guy who lost all his toes in a freak knife accident.

When he asked me why, I told him its because I'm lack toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acqajh/ive_been_avoiding_this_guy_who_lost_all_his_toes/
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What do truck drivers do when they get too old to have an erection?

Get a new Peterbilt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acq78f/what_do_truck_drivers_do_when_they_get_too_old_to/
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There's a funeral...

The minister gives the eulogy.  When he finishes, he says, "The widow has asked if anyone would like to share a word."
A man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The widow replies, "Thank you! That means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acq6ni/theres_a_funeral/
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TIL. Dont say nice piece to a guy standing next to you at a urinal in texas.

You will get stuck in a gotdamn half hour conversation about how the sw 40 is a far superior round compared to the 9mm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acq43t/til_dont_say_nice_piece_to_a_guy_standing_next_to/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last very long if you’re fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acq1sd/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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I figured out why they call them “step goals”

You don’t love them as much as your real goals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acq12g/i_figured_out_why_they_call_them_step_goals/
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Did you here about the old guy who gave toddlers dynamite?

He was a Baby Boomer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acptp1/did_you_here_about_the_old_guy_who_gave_toddlers/
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An anti-vaxxer mom takes her son to the doctor...

Lol just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acps4n/an_antivaxxer_mom_takes_her_son_to_the_doctor/
%
Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acppkt/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
%
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acpn9b/knock_knock_whos_there_dishes_dishes_who/
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I called my boss at work and said I can't come in and that I'm taking a sick day. He said he wanted to know what the issue was.

I told him "I'm fucking my sister."  My boss said "You're doing what? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
I said" I told you I'm sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acphz0/i_called_my_boss_at_work_and_said_i_cant_come_in/
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What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?

Partial arts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acpgs1/what_do_you_call_a_1_armed_man_who_does_karate/
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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden.

To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acpey3/yesterday_my_daughter_was_playing_in_the_garden/
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Batman lay battered and bruised on the ground as the joker walked off basking in his victory

Robin approaches Batman and kicks him!
Batman: “why did you do that?”
Robin: “looked like you could use a side kick!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acpe74/batman_lay_battered_and_bruised_on_the_ground_as/
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A snake walks into a bar

The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acpcie/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do American school kids learn the metric system?

9 millimeters at a time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acpaui/how_do_american_school_kids_learn_the_metric/
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My wife didn’t want to buy a bed from the local furniture store because of their moto...

We stand behind every bed we sell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acpasq/my_wife_didnt_want_to_buy_a_bed_from_the_local/
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Smoking will kill you

Bacon will kill you
But smoking bacon will cure it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acp986/smoking_will_kill_you/
%
Since it's new years now, I can say I haven't showered since last year!

Actually, I think it's been about a year and a half

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acp89l/since_its_new_years_now_i_can_say_i_havent/
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A man went to the library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide

The librarian said: fuck off you won't bring it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acp6xl/a_man_went_to_the_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
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A Georgia State trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 2 miles north of Macon.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Atlanta to do a show for the Children’s Hospital. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from Byron got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
*EDIT: Formatting. Thanks u/VerySlickRhymes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acp49i/a_georgia_state_trooper_pulled_a_car_over_on_i75/
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you eat with that thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acp2ut/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
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A screwdriver walks into a bar..

bartender says, we have a drink named after you, to which the screwdriver responds "you have a drink named eric?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acp2sj/a_screwdriver_walks_into_a_bar/
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How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know either, but it's not 6 because my basement light is still out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acp282/how_many_dead_prostitutes_does_it_take_to_change/
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How do you spot a blind guy in a nude beach?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acozk1/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_guy_in_a_nude_beach/
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My dad’s famous chili recipe calls for exactly 239 beans....

One more would make it too farty :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acoqe7/my_dads_famous_chili_recipe_calls_for_exactly_239/
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A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.
&nbsp;
"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.
"What!" Exclaimed the businessman.
"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays."
"But it's imperative. I have an important meeting there."
The conductor is adamant. "This is the weekly express service and there's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays."
&nbsp;
After much argument a compromise was reached. The conductor agreed to ask the driver to slow down to 60 kilometres an hour as the train went though Gladstone. He would then hold the businessman out of the carriage window, the businessman could get his legs running in thin air as fast as he could and when the conductor thought his leg speed was sufficient he would lower him down onto the platform.
&nbsp;
So when the train reached Gladstone this plan was put into action and the businessman hit the platform running at full speed. He ran the full length of the platform, hoping he could stop himself before the end.
Just as the last carriage of the train was passing him by, his collar was grabbed by the strong arm of a shearer who heaved him back onboard through an open window.
&nbsp;
"You were lucky there mate," said the shearer, "there's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acoq26/a_businessman_rushed_into_the_train_station_just/
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My son looked at me with disgust because I was putting some chickenwings and a single fly into a blender and then started to put the mixture on a piece of toast.

So I told him not to worry.
One day, he too will spread his wings and fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acopik/my_son_looked_at_me_with_disgust_because_i_was/
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A naked photo of myself in public actually had some pretty good lighting

It was in decent exposure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aconnn/a_naked_photo_of_myself_in_public_actually_had/
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A man has five dicks

His pants fit like a glove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aconlq/a_man_has_five_dicks/
%
My doctor wrote me a prespection for daily sex

My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acolj4/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prespection_for_daily_sex/
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Unpopular opinion: I always liked Bill Cosby

He rubbed my sister the wrong way though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acokbh/unpopular_opinion_i_always_liked_bill_cosby/
%
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one

He's never gonna give you Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acojwz/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
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A man meets a nice woman online...

They quickly hit it off, so he asks her out to dinner.
They date is going well, so the man invites the woman back to his place for a night cap.
Things are escalating quickly, so the man stops and looks the woman in the eyes.
"Listen, I need to be up front with you. Before we go any further, I have to tell you.... I'm like a baby down there."
A bit disappointed, but not discouraged entirely, the woman responded "That's ok, it's how you use it that's more important."
The man takes off his pants, only to hear the woman shriek.
"Listen, I tried to tell you...." The man said quickly.
"No, you lied to me! You said you were like a baby down there!"
"Well, I am. 7lbs. 21in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acoi4s/a_man_meets_a_nice_woman_online/
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What are the most secretive nuts?

Psst...achios.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acog2y/what_are_the_most_secretive_nuts/
%
Child abuse isn't funny

It's a real touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acoa4u/child_abuse_isnt_funny/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)

not what you’re thinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aco85e/why_was_6_afraid_of_7_the_answer_is_not_what/
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How does Jesus get around the busy streets of bethlehem?

By using the crosswalk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aco6lk/how_does_jesus_get_around_the_busy_streets_of/
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A young woman in a smallish village was well known for her quick temper and violent outbursts

Any little thing might set her off, from missing out on the flavour muffin she wanted to waiting in line for groceries. She would ball her fists, start to breathe heavy through her nose, turn red and glare. She had never learned to control her emotions and regularly ended up snapping at people. People would often ignore her or snap back which only spurred her on.
She soon graduated to screaming in people’s faces, even going so far as to one morning spitting in the vicar’s wife’s face for taking her intended car park. “Why are you like this, my dear? Won’t you please calm down?” the vicar’s wife asked in a gentle voice. Startled by this gentle approach she burst into tears “I can’t!” she cried back at her. She dove back into her car and fled, shamed for the first time.
One day she is driving into town hoping to get a bargain from the annual sale at the village’s only clothes boutique. She’d had her eye on a particular dress. She parked and walked in only to see the vicar’s wife at the counter, with the very same dress in a tote and accepting her receipt.
The fiery young woman remembered their last encounter but couldn’t stop the wave of anger building. She balled her fists, started to huff and puff and stomped resolutely towards the older woman, bearing down like a freight train.
The vicar’s wife turned her head and worked out in an instant what had happened. She held up one small wrinkled hand, which stopped the young woman in her tracks and before she could open her mouth, the vicar’s wife said, “I’ve been thinking and I know how to help you. Come with me.”
Puzzled and curious, the young woman followed her out of the boutique. She was still furious, how dare she not return the dress. She must know I wanted it! she thought to herself. The vicar’s wife toddled onwards ahead of her to the stationery shop. The clerk looked worried for the older woman and the other’s temper visibly continued to mount. But he placed her requested items into a bag.
The vicar’s wife peacefully continued on out the door, calmly checking that the young woman was still following. She walked to the nearby bench seat, sat her down, and passed her the package. “This better be good, old woman!” She snapped and dumped the contents onto her lap. A pen, some beautifully fine ruled paper and a dozen envelopes tumbled out. “What’s this about?!” She snarled.
The vicar’s wife said, “Humour me. Write down what I did to upset you so, my dear, then mark the envelope out to God. It will reduce your anger and bring you peace.” Again, shamed by her gentleness, the young woman softened slightly, scowled and scribbled a note about how selfish the older woman always was and that she took her dress. The vicar’s wife pointed to the letterbox and the young woman stomped over to it and thrust the letter through the slot.
“I’m still furious, you dumb old witch!” She said. The vicar’s wife passed her another sheet and said to try again. She scribbled another note, shoved it into the envelope to God and dropped it in the box. To her surprise she felt a little better! Without being prompted she wrote another note and then another and another until every worry she’d had all week was spilled onto paper and on its way to god.
She sat back down, sighed and smiled at the vicar’s wife, took her hand gently and said, “Thank-you. You were right. Reposting IS the best way to get calmer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aco6cx/a_young_woman_in_a_smallish_village_was_well/
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Yo mama is so fat she deep fries her fingers before she bites her nails.

Random text here because in all honesty, who opens "yo mamma" jokes anymore?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aco4qj/yo_mama_is_so_fat_she_deep_fries_her_fingers/
%
I call my wife's vagina Spiderman.

Cuz it's a real Peter Parker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aco25p/i_call_my_wifes_vagina_spiderman/
%
What do you call someone who sleeps with you for Adderall?

an attention whore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acnwlc/what_do_you_call_someone_who_sleeps_with_you_for/
%
A Roman army was making it's way through Scotland... [long]

Their march was interrupted by a frenzied shouting in the distance. The general ordered his men to stop and directed his attention towards the source of the noise. A single highland warrior was standing alone at the top of a small hill, yelling at the oncoming army.
"Come ahead ya big Jessies, I'll gut the lot of ye's!"
The Roman general, not one to have his honour so openly slighted, ordered three of his soldiers to end the highlanders taunts. As they approached the warrior he stopped his ranting  and disappeared behind the ridge of the hill. The soldiers followed him and the general heard the clash of steel. After a brief moment of silence the highland warrior reappeared with blood on his kilt and sword.
"That aw ya got, ya bunch a choobs?"
Irritated the general ordered ten of his men to engage the man. Again the warrior stopped shouting and disappeared behind the ridge before the soldiers got to him. The clashing of steel lasted longer this time but again the highlander reappeared and again he started to taunt them.
"Are ya no gonae gie me a real fight, ya travelling band of wank stains."
Enraged the general ordered one hundred of his legionaries to charge the warrior. Once more the highlander made his way out of sight behind the ridge and this time the sounds of battle lasted for a long while. Whilst the clashing of steel continued one of the Roman soldiers reappeared, bloodied and bruised, over the ridge.
"My liege, you must turn back! It's a trap!" He called to his general.
"There's two of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acntg5/a_roman_army_was_making_its_way_through_scotland/
%
Jesus can walk on water

Babies are 72% water
I can walk on babies
Ipso facto, I'm 72% Jesus.
Also 100% in jail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acnqzu/jesus_can_walk_on_water/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acnq0b/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why can’t a blond dial 911?

Because she can’t find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acnptx/why_cant_a_blond_dial_911/
%
I went to work today, and was shocked to learn that my company was taken over by a firm in Barcelona.

No one expects the Spanish acquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acnoxh/i_went_to_work_today_and_was_shocked_to_learn/
%
What did the bear say to the other bear?

Thanks for bearing with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acnooq/what_did_the_bear_say_to_the_other_bear/
%
What's the difference between an airplane and a woman?

I've been inside an airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acno8i/whats_the_difference_between_an_airplane_and_a/
%
Dear liberals, stop crying about being called a snowflake.

In 20 years, nobody will remember what snowflakes are anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acnmjp/dear_liberals_stop_crying_about_being_called_a/
%
As a guitarist, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acnl8l/as_a_guitarist_i_play_many_gigs/
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[long]I am a lesbian too

So Ahmed from Saudi Arabia travels to Texas and ends up in a bar. He is surprised with everything and how women are having fun. He spots a gorgeous woman sitting alone and approaches her.
Sensing his intention, she, trying to the crap, and says "sorry.i'm a lesbian".
Ahmed says " I'm sorry, my English is not good. What does it mean?".
She responds with "It's simple: I think about women all the time and love having sex with them and I don't enjoy thinking about having sex with men. "
Ahmed says "Interesting.. I am a lesbian too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acnkxa/longi_am_a_lesbian_too/
%
I asked a hot woman at the gym what her New Year's Resolution is.

She replied "Fuck you". I'm pretty excited about the upcoming year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acnjx9/i_asked_a_hot_woman_at_the_gym_what_her_new_years/
%
I wonder

if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: "Thanks for coming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acnggy/i_wonder/
%
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose

As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acng5c/the_real_reason_women_will_never_be_the_ones_to/
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Out shopping

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have...
The husband says, "No fucking chance , they're too expensive!"
Later on that night in bed, The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips....
She turns to him and says, "No fucking chance love, If you ain't prepared to shoe the horse then you ain't fuckin ridin' it!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acneai/out_shopping/
%
What is blue and stands beside a street in winter?

A frostitute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acndji/what_is_blue_and_stands_beside_a_street_in_winter/
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I stayed up all night trying to explain to my daughter where the sun goes at night...

Then it dawned on her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acnazn/i_stayed_up_all_night_trying_to_explain_to_my/
%
A monk decides to take up the art of swordplay.

Taking some time off from the Buddhist monastery, he trains with his fencing teacher, learning all the positions, attacks and defenses, and generally becomes fairly proficient at the sport. His teacher encourages him to take up the competition circuit, as there is little left she can teach the monk.
The monk agrees, although very reluctantly, concerned that a competition involving violence might be against the tenets of his religion. Nevertheless, he enters into a local competition, and finds that his zen approach to life yields positive returns to his technique. He waits patiently for his opponent to make an error, and quickly strikes at the opening. He repeats this, and surprise of surprises, wins his first tournament. His teacher is shocked, and convinces him to try at higher levels of competition.
No longer reluctant, he does, and wins again. And again. The teacher is astonished and proud. She approaches him after a national competition.
"Congratulations on your victory," she says.
"Win or lose, it is all one," the monk says wisely.
"That may be, but it is still impressive that you have come so far so fast. You're by far the best student I have ever had. But tell me one thing: you never attack first. You always wait for your opponent to lunge, and after blocking that, you strike at the opening. Don't you worry that that is a little predictable?"
"Even if it were, I would not change it. In fact, that strategy is why my reluctance to compete has dissipated so quickly. You see, the easiest path to karma is to riposte."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acn2uc/a_monk_decides_to_take_up_the_art_of_swordplay/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acmr2j/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
%
What do you call a letter from a feminist?

Hate male!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acmntx/what_do_you_call_a_letter_from_a_feminist/
%
Freshman Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib is in trouble with the Secret Service for using the words "Mother F**ker"

Apparently, they weren't happy she revealed Mike Pence's code word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acmhi4/freshman_congresswoman_rashida_tlaib_is_in/
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What's the scariest thing to read in Braille?

"Do not touch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acmhgm/whats_the_scariest_thing_to_read_in_braille/
%
Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition.

I wish everyone a happy 2016!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acmgh1/remember_regular_sex_keeps_the_mind_active_and/
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Two nuns

were riding their bikes along the streets of Rome. The younger says to the older one “I’ve never come this way before”. The older one replies “It’s the cobblestones”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acmaea/two_nuns/
%
I hate jokes about German sausages

They’re the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acmaak/i_hate_jokes_about_german_sausages/
%
What do you call it when someone has to masturbate to survive?

Self pleasure-vation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acm8hu/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_has_to/
%
I was gonna tell you a joke about cash machines

but i can't think of one ATM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acm8e3/i_was_gonna_tell_you_a_joke_about_cash_machines/
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Being a blacksmith and farting have long been the same thing.

Because who smelt it, dealt it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acm670/being_a_blacksmith_and_farting_have_long_been_the/
%
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn't even know they were catholics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acm5fv/chemistry_teacher_did_you_know_that_protons_have/
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The minus button is missing from my calculator.

I guess it won't make any difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acm2u0/the_minus_button_is_missing_from_my_calculator/
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I wish Medusa would stop objectifying people...

It might offend them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acm2li/i_wish_medusa_would_stop_objectifying_people/
%
A Canadian and American are grabbing a drink....

AMERICAN: “Hey, have you ever seen the movie Titanic?”
CANADIAN: “What’s that about?”
AMERICAN: “Yes! A really large one that sank. Based on a true event.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aclyid/a_canadian_and_american_are_grabbing_a_drink/
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I just learned today that cock fighting involves two roosters...

...well there goes a year and a half of intense training.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aclwl0/i_just_learned_today_that_cock_fighting_involves/
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What did the skeleton order at the restaurant

Spare ribs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aclse0/what_did_the_skeleton_order_at_the_restaurant/
%
I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn

then I remembered that taste is relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aclqd6/i_didnt_understand_why_some_people_are_into/
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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a pit of violence that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I live in Canada!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aclp97/call_me_a_racist_if_you_want_but_south_of_the/
%
A German man is vacationing in France and is speeding down the highway.

He gets pulled over by a French police officer.
"Name?"  "Ludwig"
"Age?"  "29"
"Occupation?"  "No, no. Just visiting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acloay/a_german_man_is_vacationing_in_france_and_is/
%
A Brit, a Mexican, and an American are on a cruise ship.

The Brit pulls out a box of tea bags, places one in his mug, and tosses the rest overboard. “In my country, tea is so plentiful I never have to conserve it.”
The Mexican pulls out a bottle of tequila, takes one shot, and throws the rest overboard. “In my country, tequila is so plentiful I never have to conserve it.”
The American, not to be outdone, grabs the Mexican and throws him overboard. The Brit, taken aback, shouts “Why the fuck would you do that?!?”
The American replies, “That guy fucked my wife.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aclly2/a_brit_a_mexican_and_an_american_are_on_a_cruise/
%
I hate crushing pop cans.

It's soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acljpk/i_hate_crushing_pop_cans/
%
Jesus Christ walks into an Inn,

He gives the Innkeeper three nails and says, Can you put me up for the night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acli3l/jesus_christ_walks_into_an_inn/
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Did you hear about that girl who keeps emailing nudes into the Black Mirror production office?

...well they 'bandersnatch'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aclhes/did_you_hear_about_that_girl_who_keeps_emailing/
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A man picks up a prostitute and they go to a motel room.

She excuses herself to go to the bathroom, while the man makes himself comfortable on the bed.
The prostitute comes out a few minutes later to find the guy jacking off. "What are you doing?!" she says.
"Well," he says, "you didn't think you were going to get the easy one, did you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aclfri/a_man_picks_up_a_prostitute_and_they_go_to_a/
%
Why do pirates listen to opera music?

Because they love the high Cs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aclf6a/why_do_pirates_listen_to_opera_music/
%
A Jewish mother goes on a flight

The plane takes off. After a while she stands up and ask loudly: “is there a doctor in this plane?”
A man comes quickly and say: “I’m a doctor, what happened?”
The woman replies: “would you like to meet my daughter?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aclew9/a_jewish_mother_goes_on_a_flight/
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The group that burned down the school orchestra hall went up in flames with it..

..I have no symphony for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acl6qd/the_group_that_burned_down_the_school_orchestra/
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My friend once told me he doesn't like my habit of making jokes about murdering people.

Interesting choice of last words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acl53v/my_friend_once_told_me_he_doesnt_like_my_habit_of/
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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey

and has a seat.
The bartender asks, "What're ya having?" but before the man can answer, the monkey jumps on the bar and scatters food and drinks everywhere before hopping over to the pool table and swallowing a cue ball whole.
"Sorry man, he hasn't ate today" says the man before he pays the bartender for the damage and leaves.
A week later, the same man comes back with the monkey which seems less energetic and happy than the week before. They sit down at the bar and again, the bartender asks, "What're ya having?"
The Monkey lets out a low moan and climbs on the bar, clumsily spilling drinks and food all over the place again- it slowly walks across the bar to a now shocked woman's Manhattan and pulls a Maraschino cherry out of the glass, sticking it up his ass for a long moment, savoring a look of dawning relief before swallowing it whole.
The bartender wipes sweat from his forehead and exclaims, "Okay now why in the hell did it do that?"
The man clears his throat and says "I'm sorry man, he tests the diameter of everything after that cue ball."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acl3h2/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_monkey/
%
I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant

and encountered a strange old man sitting at a small table near the door. The old man had at the table with him a glue stick and a few sheets of construction paper and he seemed to be engaged in some kinds of arts-and-crafts project. The waitstaff occasionally shot him a confused look but otherwise avoided him.
The host told me I'd have to wait a few minutes while they cleared off a table for me so I decided to find out what this old man was doing. "Are you making a collage?" I asked. "I haven't done that since grade school."
The old man looked up from his gluing, gave me a quizzical look, and asked in a loud voice, "NO, I NEVER MADE IT TO COLLEGE, LET ALONE GRAD SCHOOL. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
I stood there blinking for a moment, wondering how to respond politely to this clearly hard-of-hearing old man. Meanwhile the old man returned to his work. He stripped apart the pieces of construction paper he'd glued together, slathered the backing piece down with fresh glue, and started to reassemble it.
The host waved me over to my freshly-cleared table so I figured I'd just end the conversation. "SORRY TO BOTHER YOU SIR, I WAS JUST WONDERING WHAT YOU WERE DOING OVER HERE." I shouted so that the old man could hear me over the din of the restaurant.
In an equally loud but far more exasperated voice, the old man answered, "I'M JUST TRYING TO GET THEM TO BRING ME SOME FOOD! I KEEP HEARING THAT REPASTING IS HOW YOU GET GREAT KORMA AROUND HERE, BUT IT'S NOT WORKING FOR ME."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acksjh/i_went_for_lunch_at_an_indian_restaurant/
%
A couple ask their doctor to watch them have sex.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ackgdh/a_couple_ask_their_doctor_to_watch_them_have_sex/
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A necrophiliac walks into a bar...

The bartender smiles and greets the corpse-lover, "Hey Paul, how's it going?!  What can I get you tonight?"
“I've had a rough day so I'll take the hardest whiskey you've got, please."  Answers Paul.
The bartender replies, "Oh man I've had those days."
A few seconds of silence pass when the bartender follows up by saying, "Ya know, in the five years you've been coming here, I never asked what it is that you do for a living."
"I work at a morgue.  So not much living going on there.", answered Paul.
The bartender chuckles briefly but suddenly seems upset.  "Death is such a terrifying thing." said the bartender.  "I wish death wasn't even a thing Paul.  I wish we could all just live forever and achieve everything we've ever wanted in peace.  I'm getting pretty old as the days go on and sometimes it seems as if I'm working toward nothing but my own demise.  Ya know what I'm talking about?"
There was a brief pause as Paul sipped on his whiskey.  "I mean if there weren't any dead people, I don't know what I would do all day."
The bartender replied, "Oh right, I suppose you would need to find a new job."
"Yeah, that too." Paul replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ackavf/a_necrophiliac_walks_into_a_bar/
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My girlfriend asked for instructions on how to give a good handjob. So I told her:

1. Put it in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ackahg/my_girlfriend_asked_for_instructions_on_how_to/
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Two old guys chatting, first one says I couldn't sleep at all last night, second guy says I slept like a baby.

Woke up, no hair no teeth and I had shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ack8u2/two_old_guys_chatting_first_one_says_i_couldnt/
%
My parrot just died.

His last words were “Fuck. I think my parrot is about to die.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ack891/my_parrot_just_died/
%
Did your hear the scarecrow won an award?

He was out-standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ack0xe/did_your_hear_the_scarecrow_won_an_award/
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Irish bar joke

An Irishman leaves the bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acjwy6/irish_bar_joke/
%
Grampa popped by for a visit, solo. He seemed a bit bored.

*“Grampa, whatever happened to that lady friend of yours?”
“She died.”
“Why did she die?”
“Gonorrhoea.”
“Grampa, people don’t die from gonorrhoea!”
“They do if they give it to me.”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acjvfa/grampa_popped_by_for_a_visit_solo_he_seemed_a_bit/
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Three old men are talking about their health

The first says: "I'm not doing too well. I wake up every morning at 6 AM and want to take a leak, but I can't seem to pee."
The second commiserates: "I hear you, buddy. I wake up at 6 too and want to pee, and while I can take a leak, when at 7 AM I want to shit, I just can't force it out. It's horrible."
The third guy smiles and says "Well boys, I'm doing just dandy. At 6 AM, I also want to pee, so I pee. At 7 AM I also want to shit, I shit. Problem is, I always wake up at 8."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acjvah/three_old_men_are_talking_about_their_health/
%
A man carrying a baby walks into an empty hotel bar...

... sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender attempts to strike up a conversation.
"So... what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a condom salesman."
"And why are you carrying a baby around?
"Dealing with a customer complaint."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acjtun/a_man_carrying_a_baby_walks_into_an_empty_hotel/
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An old woman has done everything she ever wanted in life...

So she decides to commit suicide. She acquired a gun and, unsure of how best to do the deed, she calls her doctor.
“Doctor” she asks, “where exactly would I find my heart?”
“In the left side of your chest, just below the nipple.” The Doctor replies.
She hangs up before the doctor can ask questions, takes careful aim, and blasts her kneecap off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acjsoa/an_old_woman_has_done_everything_she_ever_wanted/
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What did the cowboy say when he walked into the German car dealership?

Audi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acjsfu/what_did_the_cowboy_say_when_he_walked_into_the/
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I just got fired from my first job today.

Apparently you can't make out with costumers.
Whatever.
Babysitting was stupid anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acjqs3/i_just_got_fired_from_my_first_job_today/
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Is it just me or does oddly shaped fruit really get on your nerves?

Eh, maybe I'm just being pear-annoyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acjqfs/is_it_just_me_or_does_oddly_shaped_fruit_really/
%
A man was admitting in the ER last night with a toy horse stuck in his rectum.

Docs say he is in stable condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acjnbj/a_man_was_admitting_in_the_er_last_night_with_a/
%
How is holy water made?

You take water and boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acjn3g/how_is_holy_water_made/
%
What do you call an overweight psychic?

a four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acjgu5/what_do_you_call_an_overweight_psychic/
%
"That's an odd fetish"

I said to myself, as I came to a fork in the road

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acjc4a/thats_an_odd_fetish/
%
What do you call a boat made by students?

An Apprenticeship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acjc1x/what_do_you_call_a_boat_made_by_students/
%
My girlfriend told me to stop singing Smash Mouth songs around the house or she's leaving me. I couldn't tell if she was serious or not.

And then I saw her face...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acjbrq/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_stop_singing_smash_mouth/
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If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acj80r/if_queen_elizabeth_accidentally_farts_during/
%
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acj7rw/a_professor_a_ceo_and_a_janitor_are_in_a_forest/
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For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acj74b/for_anyone_attending_stan_lees_funeral/
%
What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?

11's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acj6be/what_does_german_santa_claus_have_in_his_workshop/
%
I was sad and depressed last year, but i decided to turn that shit around.

This year imma be depressed and sad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acj4va/i_was_sad_and_depressed_last_year_but_i_decided/
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One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.

"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.
"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.
"I said no way," replied the boy.
"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.
"No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy.
"Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered.
"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Prius, you live with it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acj4oa/one_day_a_12yearold_boy_was_walking_down_the/
%
Can you explain what a ratchet is?

The most simple explanation: it's just a little bit bigger than a mouse shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acj3tc/can_you_explain_what_a_ratchet_is/
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I finally figured out the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea.

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acj344/i_finally_figured_out_the_difference_between_a/
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My girlfriend is pretty transparent.

It’s like she’s not even there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acj1ms/my_girlfriend_is_pretty_transparent/
%
Zoo joke

Visitor: "I like that cage at the end that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just got a mirror in it"
Zookeeper: "Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acj0rx/zoo_joke/
%
A guy is sitting reading the newspaper when his wife hits him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

"What the hell was that for?!", he screams.
"I was emptying your trouser pockets and found a piece of paper with a woman's name and a phone number!"
Thinking quickly, the guy says, "Honey, calm down, that's just the name of a horse i was betting on! The number is for the betting place!".
Feeling bad, she apologizes.
The next day she hits him over the head again.
"Your horse phoned!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acizof/a_guy_is_sitting_reading_the_newspaper_when_his/
%
Sources report that after holding office for just two years, President Trump has already developed significant forehead wrinkles.

Talk about making national headlines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acizks/sources_report_that_after_holding_office_for_just/
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Why can't a chicken coop have 4 doors?

Because then it would be a chicken sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acix36/why_cant_a_chicken_coop_have_4_doors/
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I left my ex for the same reason I was with her for so long.

She sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acisv7/i_left_my_ex_for_the_same_reason_i_was_with_her/
%
A blind person is touching sandpaper and ask...

who wrote this nonsense?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acis8g/a_blind_person_is_touching_sandpaper_and_ask/
%
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats, buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acirsd/you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by_putting_it/
%
what kind of shoes does a ninja wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acirmp/what_kind_of_shoes_does_a_ninja_wear/
%
People in glass houses

Change in the basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aciqx1/people_in_glass_houses/
%
I hate the french and their food related fetishes

They're a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acio4p/i_hate_the_french_and_their_food_related_fetishes/
%
what does a monk look for on Reddit?

good Karma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acimxg/what_does_a_monk_look_for_on_reddit/
%
Why was the 17 blondes waiting outside the club?

Because it said you had to be 18 to get in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acikbp/why_was_the_17_blondes_waiting_outside_the_club/
%
It’s a snowy day and Trump steps out onto the White House grass

Right in front of him, on the White House grass, he sees “Donald Trump sucks!” written in urine across the snow.
Donald is pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff’s headquarters, and shouts, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it with pee! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!”
The security personnels are in silence and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump yells, “Damnation!, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that night, chief security officer approaches him and says, “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Trump replies, “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says, “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”
Donald says, “Oh Jesus, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president! Well, what’s the really bad news?”
The security chief replies, “Well Mr. President, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acijqa/its_a_snowy_day_and_trump_steps_out_onto_the/
%
My optician told me I'm colorblind today.

That came right out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aciias/my_optician_told_me_im_colorblind_today/
%
What does "Maginot Line" mean in German?

"Speed bump ahead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acidks/what_does_maginot_line_mean_in_german/
%
An Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub

The Scotsman yells out, "A round for the house on me!"  The next day the newspaper headline reads, "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acibk7/an_englishman_and_a_scotsman_walk_into_a_pub/
%
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer

None. It should already be open when she hands it to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aciahi/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_open_a_bottle_of_beer/
%
What does mario use to talk to his dead brother?

A Luigi board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aci9yp/what_does_mario_use_to_talk_to_his_dead_brother/
%
What grade did the NASA employee get on their exam?

A T-minus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aci99d/what_grade_did_the_nasa_employee_get_on_their_exam/
%
Girl, did you fall from a vending machine?

Cause you look like you accept quarters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aci912/girl_did_you_fall_from_a_vending_machine/
%
What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aci8dl/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_works_in_the/
%
I have a problem- I can't stop cursing.

Whenever the most minor inconvenience happens to me, I just blurt out things like, "Bad luck upon your family for seven days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aci7kn/i_have_a_problem_i_cant_stop_cursing/
%
Paddy O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" Paddy said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, Paddy!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled and said, "Paddy won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aci79x/paddy_oreilly_hoisted_his_beer_and_said_heres_to/
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Two cannibals walk into a bar and start eating the bartender.

One turns to the other and says: "We probably should have ordered the drinks first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aci13d/two_cannibals_walk_into_a_bar_and_start_eating/
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How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb?

The answer may shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achzf3/how_many_clickbait_articles_does_it_take_to/
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What do you call 6.02 × 10^23 butts?

Molasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achyth/what_do_you_call_602_1023_butts/
%
My boss is always complaining about the toilet paper at work.

For Christmas, I sent him a 12-pack of ultra soft bathroom tissue and a Christmas card which read: “To the sensitive asshole that sits in the bossman’s chair.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achvka/my_boss_is_always_complaining_about_the_toilet/
%
A Muslim, a Hindu and a Mormon walk into a bar

The bartender says, "Ah the people you run into when you lose your liquor licence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achtij/a_muslim_a_hindu_and_a_mormon_walk_into_a_bar/
%
The most boring man on Earth walks into a bar.

He orders a beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acht4s/the_most_boring_man_on_earth_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between an Anti-Vaxxer and a Flat-Earther?

The Flat-Earther's child lives to see the truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achsbv/whats_the_difference_between_an_antivaxxer_and_a/
%
A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican...

A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican are travelling in a hot air balloon when it starts to rapidly lose altitude.
"Quick!" says the Scotsman, "We need to lose some weight, fast."
He throws his case of fine scotch whisky over the side.
"Why did you do that?" says the American. "That stuff's expensive."
"It's fine, in my country we have plenty more whisky." replies the Scotsman.
After a few minutes they realise that the balloon is still dropping fast. The Mexican tosses his case of quality tequila over the side.
"Why did you do that?" shouts the American.
"It's okay, man. In Mexico we have plenty more tequila." says the Mexican.
Sadly, this wasn't enough, and they continue to descend. The American seizes an opportunity, and launches the Mexican off of the side of the basket.
"Why did you do that?" screams the shocked Scotsman.
"He fucked my wife", says the American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achrnm/a_scotsman_an_american_and_a_mexican/
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I've started online dating a porn star

I text her to meet up and maybe come back to mine for a little fun.
She said "Yeah sure, I'm working Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday so how about Friday?"
I'd prefer Monday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achqvn/ive_started_online_dating_a_porn_star/
%
What do you call a Nun in a wheelchair?

A Roaming Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achqeb/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
I finally finished my book on making love to herbs

It's about fucking thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achom3/i_finally_finished_my_book_on_making_love_to_herbs/
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I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

...so we’re going to go on a date next week...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achmsx/i_met_someone_online_who_shares_my_fetish_for/
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Did you hear the largest rubber band ball has 200 Million rubber bands?

I think it’s a bit of a stretch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achl9x/did_you_hear_the_largest_rubber_band_ball_has_200/
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(Click to see full post) there are three unwritten rules to a good life....

1)
2)
3)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achjqs/click_to_see_full_post_there_are_three_unwritten/
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My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning

So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achjml/my_new_years_resolution_was_to_keep_a_daily/
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Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.
The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achiwe/two_men_are_trying_to_get_in_a_quick_eighteen/
%
Why did Hitler have a heart attack?

He got the gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achif1/why_did_hitler_have_a_heart_attack/
%
With great power

Comes great electricity bills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achhve/with_great_power/
%
In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achh73/in_my_girlfriends_copy_of_50_shades_of_grey_i/
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Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it soots him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/achbss/why_does_santa_claus_go_down_the_chimney_on/
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I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ach9aa/ive_developed_a_fetish_for_figuring_things_out/
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Trump and Pence go stop at a local diner for breakfast.

The waitress greets the two and says, "What will it be today?"
Pence looks up from the menu and says, "I'll have two eggs, bacon, rye, and a coffee. Thank you."
The waitress scribbles on her notepad and turns to Trump, "and for you, Mr. President?"
Trump smiles at the waitress and says, "I'd love a quickie."
Shocked and appalled, the waitress slaps the President in the face and storms off, cursing as she disappears into the kitchen.
Pence, obviously embarrassed, leans over the table and whispers, "Mr. President, I believe it's pronounced -keesh-."
Trump squints at Pence for a second before angrily replying, "I know what a fucking Quiche is, Pence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ach89o/trump_and_pence_go_stop_at_a_local_diner_for/
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What type of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ach7ax/what_type_of_wood_doesnt_float/
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Hi Steve

This is Peter next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much… I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again.
Regards, Peter
THE ACTIONS
Steve, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly.
He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-
THE REPLY
Hi Steve.
This is Peter next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Peter”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ach2vp/hi_steve/
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Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar...

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ach02g/last_night_i_gave_my_girlfriend_a_medieval_battle/
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An American golfer is asked to compete in a tournament in Japan

As soon as he gets there he starts partying as he has a few days to spare until the tournament begins. He starts dancing with an absolutely stunning Japanese girl and decides that despite the fact she speaks no English at all he's going to try and get her to sleep with him, they start kissing as they dance and soon enough in no time at all they're back at her apartment.
He's quite drunk but is still determined to give a good performance so whilst caressing her breasts he inserts his meat baton into her beefy glove hands free and starts working his magic, immediately she digs her nails in and starts screaming TING XAO! TING XAO!!!!!! Impressed with his reaction he continues until he finishes and then heads back to his hotel room.
First day of the competition him and his translator are on the first hole, he tees off and the ball flies like you've never seen a ball fly before, ricocheting off 3 trees, shooting up the far side of a bunker like its a ramp at a skate park only to land perfectly into the hole.
Hes jumping around and celebrating! He cant believe how amazing the shot was, he turns to his loving crowd only to see them doubled over laughing and shouting TING XAO! TING XAO!
He turns to his translator and asks... "What does ting xao mean?!?"
His translator replies "Wrong Hole"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acgwk5/an_american_golfer_is_asked_to_compete_in_a/
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The owner of a Chinese restaurant stumbled home drunk at 3 am after a bachelor party.

He crawled into bed and, feeling a little frisky, whispered into his wife’s ear, “Hey, honey, how about a little 69?”
His wife rolled over and looked at him. “It’s 3 am,” she replied, “and you want me to make chicken with broccoli?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acgt4y/the_owner_of_a_chinese_restaurant_stumbled_home/
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When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.
I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acgstk/when_someone_has_two_queens_in_chess/
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My cashier called my coins handsome when I was buying a soda today..

She said "Handsome coins, over"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acgr55/my_cashier_called_my_coins_handsome_when_i_was/
%
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Englishman wants to go so they all have to leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acgn9l/an_englishman_a_welshman_and_a_scotsman_walk_into/
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I really need to upgrade my knowledge about a particular herb.

It's about thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acgmr9/i_really_need_to_upgrade_my_knowledge_about_a/
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A man was stuck on a roof

He yelled to his friend "hey can you help me get down?"
His freind said "well, you have two options, I could grab a ladder, or you could jump, but I reccomend the ladder."
So he jumped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acgcq2/a_man_was_stuck_on_a_roof/
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An elderly couple were having late night drinks in a bar.

Wife: I love you so much. Some times I wonder how I would have got through my life without you.
The husband pauses, shocked.
Husband: is that you or the wine talking?
The wife smiled.
Wife: that was me talking..... to the wine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acgcjg/an_elderly_couple_were_having_late_night_drinks/
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A Woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acgbm9/a_woman_brought_a_very_limp_duck_into_a/
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How do you call a nationwide spread of bad jokes?

Pundemic.
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acgatd/how_do_you_call_a_nationwide_spread_of_bad_jokes/
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I was doing drugs with my friends and we ran out of coke, so we snorted some estrogen.

Now my nose bleeds once a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acga9n/i_was_doing_drugs_with_my_friends_and_we_ran_out/
%
What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?

They'll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acg9by/what_do_mexicans_think_about_trumps_wall/
%
Folks who are Jewish are the “Chosen People”

But the Muslims are the “randomly selected.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acfyjw/folks_who_are_jewish_are_the_chosen_people/
%
Back in the day, you'd have to take a girl's panties off to see the booty...

Nowadays, you have to lift the booty to see her panties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acfxp0/back_in_the_day_youd_have_to_take_a_girls_panties/
%
What's a Ukrainian's favourite joke?

Cry-Me-A River

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acfwoi/whats_a_ukrainians_favourite_joke/
%
A man walks in to a bar and says "I'll have a rum and coke."

The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees.
The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acfs6b/a_man_walks_in_to_a_bar_and_says_ill_have_a_rum/
%
What is it called when a prostitute gets a new client?

Expanding her whore-izons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acfqvs/what_is_it_called_when_a_prostitute_gets_a_new/
%
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acfpn2/what_did_adam_say_on_the_day_before_christmas/
%
Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labor and started shouting, “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”?

She was having contractions...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acfplg/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_pregnant_woman_who/
%
A bunch of stoners were tasked with the job of inventing a new sport...

The result was just a bunch of misshapen llamas playing football.
When they asked the group of stoners why they decided this to be the new sport, they replied "we were just sitting there in silence for a long time and then someone said "alpaca bowl""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acfo1i/a_bunch_of_stoners_were_tasked_with_the_job_of/
%
A Mexican, an Arab and a Redneck are at the same bar. (Offensive)

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws the glass in the air and shoots it with his pistol. He says, "In Mexico, glasses are so cheap that we don't have to drink from the same one twice. "
The Arab, impressed by this, grabbed his empty glass and threw it in the air, shortly before shooting it with his AK47. He says "In the Arab world, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
However, after finishing his drink, the Redneck throws his glass in the air, shoots both the Mexican and Arab, and catches it before hitting the floor. He says, "In America, we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acfl2y/a_mexican_an_arab_and_a_redneck_are_at_the_same/
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What do you get when you mix multiple metals and a reptile

An alloy-gator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acf89s/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_multiple_metals_and/
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I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.

She’s a really big help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aceopq/i_hired_the_most_obese_personal_assistant_i_could/
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An elderly man and his wife went to the state fair every year

There was a pilot who offered airplane rides for $20 (it's one of the old prop planes). The elderly man would ask his wife if they could go on the plane and every year she would say, "Twenty bucks is twenty bucks, we don't have that kind of money to spare."
This year at the fair, the pilot overheard this and said, "I'll let you both fly for free, but only if you don't scream, talk, or make any noises.”
The wife and husband agree and  hop into the plane.
They take off and the pilot is listening...not a peep. He begins to do some twists and steep turns...still not a word. Finally he does an aerial flip, but even that didn't make them gasp.
The pilot decides to give up and brings the plane down to land.
He yells back at the husband as he was taxiing, “I pulled every trick in the book, but I guess you both have nerves of steel. What did you think about the flight?"
The husband replies, "Well, it was certainly what I imagined it would be like although I wanted to scream when my wife fell out of the plane but you know...twenty bucks is twenty bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acelzj/an_elderly_man_and_his_wife_went_to_the_state/
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Police were called to my kids daycare today.

Apparently after lunch break several children were resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acehye/police_were_called_to_my_kids_daycare_today/
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Two Dragons walk into a bar

Dragon 1: It’s a bit hot in here
Dragon 2: Shut your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acefa3/two_dragons_walk_into_a_bar/
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How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ace7c3/how_are_women_and_tornadoes_alike/
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I had to buy my mother 144 ounces of coke.

They were out of 2-liters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ace5bj/i_had_to_buy_my_mother_144_ounces_of_coke/
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What do you get when you cross a Software Engineer with an English teacher?

A programmar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ace3yn/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_software/
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After hearing about this “bird box” challenge craze, I had to try it.

Vhjddb jkgfgg kbccv vdcs kllnd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ace36t/after_hearing_about_this_bird_box_challenge_craze/
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Did you know words can be used for self defense?

Its the art of talkwondo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ace2pz/did_you_know_words_can_be_used_for_self_defense/
%
You never see me and batman in the same room

We're not on speaking terms at the moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ace1pu/you_never_see_me_and_batman_in_the_same_room/
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This just in. A truck full of wigs has crashed under mysterious circumstances.

Police are now combing the area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acdzct/this_just_in_a_truck_full_of_wigs_has_crashed/
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My wife likes to talk to me during sex. It's awful

Last week she called me from the hotel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acdxz2/my_wife_likes_to_talk_to_me_during_sex_its_awful/
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I really hate getting scammed on the internet. I ordered a shipment of uranium-237 the other day...

...and by the time it arrived a few days later, the box was half-empty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acdrrw/i_really_hate_getting_scammed_on_the_internet_i/
%
"Look, ma, no hands."

"Stop insulting your little brother, Billy. He was born this way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acdkt9/look_ma_no_hands/
%
Two gold fish are in a tank

One says to the other: do you know how to drive this thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acdj6d/two_gold_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She looked very surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acddor/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
%
Why can’t an autistic kid play billiards?

He can’t pick up cues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acddgw/why_cant_an_autistic_kid_play_billiards/
%
You know what they say about re-marrying

It's a wife changing experience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acdd0q/you_know_what_they_say_about_remarrying/
%
I usually spend holidays at the brothel

I don't have any family in town, so I might as well make some money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acdcv9/i_usually_spend_holidays_at_the_brothel/
%
Baby Boomers grow up around a lot of lead paint. Lead paint causes long term mental effects like antisocial behavior, short attention span, and reduced brain development.

And there we have explained Donald Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acd9rj/baby_boomers_grow_up_around_a_lot_of_lead_paint/
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"What are you reading?"

"Quantum physics"
"And why are you holding the book upside down?"
"Doesn't make any difference"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acd8q3/what_are_you_reading/
%
Yesterday I ate two pieces of string. Today they came out tied together.

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acd6ti/yesterday_i_ate_two_pieces_of_string_today_they/
%
What do gay horses eat?

Oh, grass and grain, I guess. I mean, they're horses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acd3cs/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
%
Last night I smashed my friends Mom.-

I stopped by my friend's house late last night. I rang the doorbell and his mom answered. Apparently he wasn't home because he was off studying with some other friends at their place. She told me to come in, so I did. I took my shoes off and went to the living room and sat on the couch. She came back with some chips and other snacks, and then sat down beside me. I've been over countless times, so I didn't think much of it. Anyway, she looked at me and said there was something she had been wanting to try for a long time, and now that her son was gone, she could try it. So she took a wii remote and then handed me one, and we played super smash bros brawl. I left before my friend came home. He still doesn't know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acd197/last_night_i_smashed_my_friends_mom/
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What do ducks smoke?

Quack.
(Yes you saw it coming)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/accz9r/what_do_ducks_smoke/
%
Did you guys hear about that Mexican stunt man that died?

At the funeral, his mom was crying and yelling at the director saying:
“Jesus died for your scenes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/accy2b/did_you_guys_hear_about_that_mexican_stunt_man/
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I once dated a stripper named Champagne.

The sex was terrible because she was always extra dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/accwml/i_once_dated_a_stripper_named_champagne/
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What do you call a man who loves to put numbers together?

Adam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acctdh/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_loves_to_put_numbers/
%
What's the deal with Roman Catholics?

Why don't they just stay in one place?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/accqa9/whats_the_deal_with_roman_catholics/
%
Why was the king so thin?

Because he was a ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acckhk/why_was_the_king_so_thin/
%
What does a duck say when it's buying lipstick?

Put it on my bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acck8s/what_does_a_duck_say_when_its_buying_lipstick/
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Young boy goes to the priest.

Boy : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Boy : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Boy : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches his hand)
Boy : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Boy : "Then he fondled my you know what."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he fondles his you know what)
Boy : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Boy : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off his clothes)
Boy : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Boy : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into his you know where)
Boy : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Boy : "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/accin2/young_boy_goes_to_the_priest/
%
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American...

... an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudan, a Botswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Briton, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djiboutian, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian, a Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean
all go to a nightclub.
The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acchcp/an_afghan_an_albanian_an_algerian_an_american/
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I had to put down my best friend today...

He was really getting full of himself, but I don't think this friendship will survive it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/accgic/i_had_to_put_down_my_best_friend_today/
%
Girl I'm dating from the bakery is really selfish...

All she talks about is her knead's, it's really getting a rise out of me.
I just wanted cookies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/accfab/girl_im_dating_from_the_bakery_is_really_selfish/
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Why can’t you run through a campsite?

Because you can only ran, it’s past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/accedn/why_cant_you_run_through_a_campsite/
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A man gets drunk at a bar and vomits all over the front of his shirt

He looks up, eyes bleary and bloodshot and says “my wife is gonna kill me, she told me not to drink so much”
The bartender says, “do you have a twenty dollar bill?”
The guy responds, “yeah, but how’s that gonna help me?”
Bartender says “take the twenty, fold it up, put it in your breast pocket, and when your wife sees you tell her someone puked on you and gave you twenty bucks to pay for the dry cleaning”
The guy thinks it’s genius and gets himself prepared then stumbles home.
When his wife greets him as he enters she’s livid, but he calmly pulls the money out of his shirt pocket and says to her, “don’t worry honey, it wasn’t me, I just had one or two, someone at the bar was having a bad night and threw up on me. He gave me twenty dollars for dry cleaning”
His wife looks at the bills in his hand and says “but that’s forty dollars”
The guy says “yeah well he shit in my pants too”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acc90b/a_man_gets_drunk_at_a_bar_and_vomits_all_over_the/
%
Did you hear that a new element was just discovered?

Its atomic symbol is Ah, and it’s called the element of surprise.
(Got this from a friend)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acc7s3/did_you_hear_that_a_new_element_was_just/
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After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acc5kl/after_a_long_night_of_making_love_the_guy_notices/
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Daughter: Dad im lesbian

Dad: thats ok
2nd Daughter: Dad, im also a lesbian.
Dad: Fuck me, does anyone here like men.
Son: I do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acc4iq/daughter_dad_im_lesbian/
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What's the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?

A Porcupine carries its pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acbyxn/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
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What is Forrest Gump’s favorite part of US currency?

The pen-nay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acbyaa/what_is_forrest_gumps_favorite_part_of_us_currency/
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How is edam cheese made?

Backwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acbvum/how_is_edam_cheese_made/
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A couple wants to have sex, but they live in a small apartment with their young son

They come up with a plan, and tell him he has a secret mission, and needs to stand on the balcony and write down everything that happens. He does so happily, and is out there for an hour before they tell him he should come back inside.
He presents the notepad to them, and they start to read it. Everything is pretty expected. 'Mr Smith went to smoke, a pizza was delivered to Old Man Jefferson...' until they read a little further down and see 'the Johnsons were having sex'. Slightly concerned, they ask him if he really saw the Johnsons having sex, to which the boy replies
"No, but I saw their kid stood on the balcony writing things down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acbvp2/a_couple_wants_to_have_sex_but_they_live_in_a/
%
What's another name for shoe shopping?

Sole searching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acbt85/whats_another_name_for_shoe_shopping/
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Light a man a fire, you keep him warm for a night.

Light a man on fire, you keep him warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acbt47/light_a_man_a_fire_you_keep_him_warm_for_a_night/
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Anybody know where to buy camoflage condoms?

I don't want her to know when I'm coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acbt1z/anybody_know_where_to_buy_camoflage_condoms/
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A buddy once asked me if i ever stuck it in, you know, "the other hole"

I freaked out. "What if she gets pregnant?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acbsmn/a_buddy_once_asked_me_if_i_ever_stuck_it_in_you/
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What's the difference between a fisherman and a schoolboy?

One baits his hooks, the other hates his books.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acbrxu/whats_the_difference_between_a_fisherman_and_a/
%
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Sr. have in common?

Both of their biggest hits were The Wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acbqrr/what_do_pink_floyd_and_dale_earnhardt_sr_have_in/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acbjyk/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
Why did the man walk into a well?

He couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acbb9q/why_did_the_man_walk_into_a_well/
%
A man was riding through the desert on his camel.

He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert, so the man turned to his camel.
When he tried to position himself to have sex with his camel, the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused and started running away again. So, he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said, "If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you mister." After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acb798/a_man_was_riding_through_the_desert_on_his_camel/
%
Why don't mules do a good job?

They're always half-assing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acb5zq/why_dont_mules_do_a_good_job/
%
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . . know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ."
The genie asked, "So, do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acb4mz/a_man_was_walking_along_a_california_beach_and/
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What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?

Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acazre/what_does_a_womans_pussy_and_a_chainsaw_have_in/
%
3 tampons are sitting at a bus stop

What do they say to each other?
Nothing they're stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acay09/3_tampons_are_sitting_at_a_bus_stop/
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Do you ever make a good joke...

Just to flex on Amy Schumer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acaw0t/do_you_ever_make_a_good_joke/
%
Here in Alabama, we don't do the 'reverse cowgirl'

We don't turn our back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acauvl/here_in_alabama_we_dont_do_the_reverse_cowgirl/
%
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

For fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acatqr/why_did_the_guitar_teacher_get_arrested/
%
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acaqqm/my_wife_said_if_this_post_gets_1000_upvotes_shell/
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When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acaptz/when_batman_is_investigating_a_crime_the_most/
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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acapfd/the_maid_asked_her_boss_the_wife_for_a_raise_and/
%
What do you call an amputee from Lord of the Rings?

Legoless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acadk4/what_do_you_call_an_amputee_from_lord_of_the_rings/
%
In 1944 during a prisoner revolt at the Nazi's most infamous concentration camp, an SS guard was burned alive by prisoners in a crematorium oven.

That is what I call the Auschwitzaroo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/acacrw/in_1944_during_a_prisoner_revolt_at_the_nazis/
%
There was a young boy in a rich family going to a prestigious university.

He was doing well academically but there was a requirement for at least 3 credit hours of physical education.  He tried lacrosse, but couldn't get the hang of it, and failed out during his second year.  His third year, he tried polo but again, was not coordinated enough and was also afraid of the horses.
During his fourth year, the school let him know that if he didn't pass a physical education elective he wouldn't be graduating with the rest of the class.  So in desperation he took fencing class, but with his utter lack of skill was easy to defeat.  Any time he managed to parry an opponent's attack he'd perform a quick thrust, which after the 2nd or third time everyone expected and was able to counter.
Frustrated with his student the fencing instructor bellowed, "Why do you always use the same strategy in every match?!" The student responded, "Sorry, but riposting is all I know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aca9y3/there_was_a_young_boy_in_a_rich_family_going_to_a/
%
Some bloke got into my taxi today.

After 10 miles we arrived at his destination and I said, "That's £20 please."
He said, "I've only got £10."
"That's bullshit" I said, "It's £20!"
He said, "Can you turn around and take me back 5 miles the other way?"
So I did.
When we got there I said, "That's £30 please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aca8iv/some_bloke_got_into_my_taxi_today/
%
Why did the vegan cross the road

To tell someone they are vegan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aca69a/why_did_the_vegan_cross_the_road/
%
Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac9urr/why_are_monks_so_good_at_protesting/
%
There is a new football club, Reddit F.C.

They play their first game, the striker has the ball near the goal with an open net. He smashes the ball to the post, gets it back, and smashes it to the post again. The crowd goes wild, cheering him as a god. The coach is baffled: "Why the hell is everybody celebrating him missing an open goal?!" The striker winks and replies: "Everybody here loves a re-post."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac9qc9/there_is_a_new_football_club_reddit_fc/
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Eating at McDonald's has plenty of health benefits.

For instance, it would prevent you from dying of old age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac9q80/eating_at_mcdonalds_has_plenty_of_health_benefits/
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Do you know what happened to Australian Spider-man?

He died from the bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac9p0r/do_you_know_what_happened_to_australian_spiderman/
%
A man walks into an elevator...

There is a lone woman in there.  After he presses his floor and the elevator door closes, he sniffles, leans in to the woman and asks; "Ma'am, can I smell your pussy?"
She violently turns to him and exclaims, "You sir,  most certainly can NOT!!!
He replies, "Ah, it must be your armpits then..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac9ix2/a_man_walks_into_an_elevator/
%
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.
"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is insane..."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac9ibq/mickey_mouse_is_having_a_nasty_divorce_with/
%
A boy comes home and finds his grandma in the living room, sitting down. He asks her "hey, grandma...have you seen my pills? they say LSD on them.”

The grandma looks at the boy and says "fuck that, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac9b11/a_boy_comes_home_and_finds_his_grandma_in_the/
%
In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied..

That is what the beer was for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac981w/in_the_store_with_my_wife_i_saw_a_box_of_beer_on/
%
Two old college buddies bump into each other

at the reunion after 10 years apart. Jack and Hadid used to be thick as thieves back in college, chasing girls, getting into trouble and all sorts of mischief.
Jack was surprised to find out that Hadid also took up a career in stand up comedy and became immensely popular in Saudi Arabia, so much so that he asked his old friend Jack to fly back with him and maybe open up one of his events. Done and Done.
They fly back, Hadid shows him around, all is swell. The night of the show comes. Jack walks on stage and does all of his best material, all the crowd pleasers he knows, but only gets a lukewarm response at best. Chuck it to karma he thinks.
Up goes Hadid, does his routine and the crowd goes wild. Laughter could be heard from outside the theatre. Chanting and ancor's sound off well into the night. Super impressed with the reaction, Jack asks Hadid what is his secret?
**"My friend"** says Hadid **"It's not what you say, it's the execution that makes them laugh".**
Jack doesn't quite understand, but is to embarrassed to ask further.
A couple of days go by and they tune down the sightseeing until one morning Hadid asks him if he wants to see something special? Thinking nothing of it Jack accepts. By noon they travel to a public square were the death penalty was being administered to 3 criminals during a public execution.
The MC hypes up the crowd and reads off the criminal offences committed:
"This beast has been found guilty of selling heroin to our youths". And then they cut off his head.
"This monster raped his neighbour's children". And then they cut off his head
"This filthy animal dared not laugh at prince Hadid's jokes". And then they cut off his head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac945e/two_old_college_buddies_bump_into_each_other/
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It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up!

"That's not how field sobriety tests work." replied the police officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac9277/it_doesnt_matter_how_many_times_you_fall_its_how/
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A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac914e/a_lost_hiker_is_on_one_side_of_a_raging_river/
%
I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn't happy.

"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac8znb/i_came_home_drunk_from_the_bar_last_night_and_the/
%
What do you do to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles.
--
*^Credit: ^my ^daughter*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac8vzr/what_do_you_do_to_make_an_octopus_laugh/
%
I told my wife that she had drawn her eyebrows on too high

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac8uda/i_told_my_wife_that_she_had_drawn_her_eyebrows_on/
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Bad chemistry puns

I've been looking for chemistry puns for a long time. But it seems the good ones Argon
I thought "hey, just try to enjoy the bad ones" but I couldn't. The only thing I could do is Berium.
You might be thinking "I bet they aren't that bad" but after you see the same ones as much as I saw them, they all just become such a Bore.
But let's just hope these ones make you go HeHe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac8rj0/bad_chemistry_puns/
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I got a new ultra high definition monitor on January 1st.

My New Year’s resolution is 4K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac8q5d/i_got_a_new_ultra_high_definition_monitor_on/
%
What type of pants does Mario wear?

Denim denim denim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac8h58/what_type_of_pants_does_mario_wear/
%
Life really isn't fair

Repost a joke and you end up on the front page.
Make up a fresh joke that flops and you get downvoted.
Reference a joke from a movie and you might get a few upvotes, but not many.
But you fuck one goat...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac8fzo/life_really_isnt_fair/
%
Why do the French eat only one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac85zv/why_do_the_french_eat_only_one_egg_for_breakfast/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?"
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac85ge/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
%
Being A Bank Robber Was Fun

But my new job as a bakery robber really takes the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac83hw/being_a_bank_robber_was_fun/
%
Nike sponsored the suicide prevention 5K.

Maybe “Just Do It” wasn’t the best slogan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac82pw/nike_sponsored_the_suicide_prevention_5k/
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What happens when you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac80td/what_happens_when_you_dont_pay_your_exorcist/
%
What is frogs' favorite website?

Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac800w/what_is_frogs_favorite_website/
%
What do you get if you drop your steak?

Ground beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac7x2n/what_do_you_get_if_you_drop_your_steak/
%
I hate being bipolar.

It's awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac7pvl/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
What do odd numbers and reality TV stars in common?

They literally can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac7nh4/what_do_odd_numbers_and_reality_tv_stars_in_common/
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The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended.  Jesus was a carpenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac7n7p/the_nra_asked_what_jesuss_favorite_gun_would_be/
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Why don’t Japanese people high five Logan Paul?

Because he always leaves them hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac7n36/why_dont_japanese_people_high_five_logan_paul/
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If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.

I'd have 83 cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac7myl/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_everytime_i_failed_a_math/
%
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?

No? Well, Stevie hasn't either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac7mhu/have_you_seen_stevie_wonders_new_piano/
%
A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender for five shots of their most expensive liquor.

A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender "give me five shots of your most expensive liquor."
The bartender : "Yeah no problem buddy, here you go. What are you celebrating for?"
The man : "The first blowjob of my life"
The bartender : " Wow congratulations man! Here take another one on the house!"
The man : "No thanks, if five of these things won't get this taste out nothing will!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac7lat/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
%
Why did the PR guy develop a Type II diabetes?

Because he always sugarcoats everything he says and always eats his words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac7l8j/why_did_the_pr_guy_develop_a_type_ii_diabetes/
%
A man angrily walks into a local bar holding a revolver and demands to know whose been sleeping with his wife.

A man in the back of the bar shouts back, “You don’t have enough ammo”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac7l5o/a_man_angrily_walks_into_a_local_bar_holding_a/
%
An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off.  The bartender agrees.  The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Australian hits him over the head with a bottle, causing the croc to open his mouth and let the guy withdraw his penis.  The bartender starts serving the free drinks to the Australian and then tells everyone in the bar "If anyone else can do that then I will give them free drinks also".  There is a pause and then a blonde woman calls out "ok, I will do it but please don't hit me so hard over the head with the bottle". "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac7g2b/an_australian_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a/
%
How did Moses comb his hair?

He parted it in the middle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac7eb6/how_did_moses_comb_his_hair/
%
I would make a periodic table joke but...

All of them Argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac79lo/i_would_make_a_periodic_table_joke_but/
%
There was a constipated mathematician

He worked his problem out with a pencil.
A No. 2 pencil...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac768a/there_was_a_constipated_mathematician/
%
Why does Mr. T like to drive Teslas?

Cuz he pities the fuel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac6ybq/why_does_mr_t_like_to_drive_teslas/
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A man enters a grocery store...

He buys:
- An apple
- A peach
- A pretzel
- A carton of milk
- A jar of jam
- A bottle of Coke
- A chocolate bar
The female cashier looks at him and asks with a big smile:
“You’re single, right?”
The man answers nicely:
“Yes I am, how did you know?”
She answers:
“Because you’re ugly as fuck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac6s3m/a_man_enters_a_grocery_store/
%
I was getting very frustrated on the sofa, newspaper in hand.

"Honey, I need help with this crossword. Five letters, another word for 'rest' and 'loosen'. I can't get it for the fucking life of me!!"
"'Relax'" she replied.
I said, "Fuck off, I've been on this for hours now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac6psf/i_was_getting_very_frustrated_on_the_sofa/
%
I asked my chemist father for a PB and J sandwich

But all I got was lead poisoning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac6pnq/i_asked_my_chemist_father_for_a_pb_and_j_sandwich/
%
It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.
Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac6mmj/its_1957_and_bobby_goes_to_pick_up_his_date_peggy/
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Don’t get me wrong

I  like humor and jokes like everybody else. But when it comes to air conditioning jokes – I'm not a fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac6log/dont_get_me_wrong/
%
Some douche bag hit me from behind in the street yesterday and ran off with my limbo stick.

I mean really, how low can you go? |

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac6lcf/some_douche_bag_hit_me_from_behind_in_the_street/
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A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac6knc/a_patient_bursts_into_a_doctors_office_doctor_i/
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I started watching this show called "Greatest Tragedies."

Their episode on 9/11 made for a great pilot, but the Hindenburg episode was when it crashed and burned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac6je9/i_started_watching_this_show_called_greatest/
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I walked into a bar and asked the bartender, " What's the wifi password here?"

Bartender: You need to buy a drink  first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi  okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $5.
Me: There you  go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first...  No spaces, all lowercase!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac6hdf/i_walked_into_a_bar_and_asked_the_bartender_whats/
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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Well no, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she said.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted and left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.
”How did it go?” the doctor asked.
”Terrible, doctor, terrible.”
”Did it not work?”
”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”
”Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac672f/this_elderly_lady_went_to_the_doctor_for_a_checkup/
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My wife has been secretly storing plenty of graph paper inside her closet.

I bet she is plotting something against me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac66uu/my_wife_has_been_secretly_storing_plenty_of_graph/
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Theres II types of people in this world

Those who understand roman numerals and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac6633/theres_ii_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?

A redneck.
What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe?
Your Majesty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac64qo/what_do_you_call_a_cousinfucker_in_the_us/
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If I have sex twice a year does it mean I'm bisexual?

No, it means you're ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac62mh/if_i_have_sex_twice_a_year_does_it_mean_im/
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There was a man who drank a lot and his wife gave him an ultimatum…

“If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to divorce you”. Being a creature of habit, he went out drinking again and was sick all over his shirt. He said to his friend “If I go home like this my wife will divorce me". His friend advised “I tell you what, put a £20 note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning”.
The man goes home and before his very angry wife can say anything he declares "Somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill". His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out two £20 notes and demands “Why do you have two £20 notes in there?"
He replies "Oh the other one is from the man who shat in my underpants".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac61oi/there_was_a_man_who_drank_a_lot_and_his_wife_gave/
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Farting in a lift is wrong...

on so many levels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac61k1/farting_in_a_lift_is_wrong/
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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.  So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.  He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.  He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.  He explained his situation, the old man. "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped. "Except what?" asked the businessman. "Nothing, nothing," said the old man. "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman. "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said. "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.  The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols.  He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.  The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.  The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.  Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, "I'll take it!" The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.  The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.  After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.  She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"  The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping.  It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.  She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.  Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.  So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.  She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.   On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.  He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.  Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac61be/there_was_a_businessman_who_was_getting_ready_to/
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The High Monkey

A monkey was sitting in a tree, smoking a joint. Then, a lizard walks by and says: "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey replies: "Smoking a joint, come join me!"
So, the lizard sits next to the monkey and smokes a joint. After a while the lizard says: "My mouth is dry, I'm going to get a drink from the river".
When the lizard arrived to the river, he was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into it. The crocodile saw the lizard and went over to get him out.
He then asks the lizard: "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard told him that he was smoking a joint with the monkey, then his mouth got dry and when he was getting a drink from the river, he fell in!
The crocodile went to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the monkey sitting, finishing a joint. He yells: "HEY, MONKEY!" The monkey looks at him and says: "Fuuuuuck, dude... How much water have you drank?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac5yj3/the_high_monkey/
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How many brexiters does it take to put in a lightbulb?

One to promise a brighter future and then a whole bunch more to screw it up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac5rz6/how_many_brexiters_does_it_take_to_put_in_a/
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Nuns at pearly gates

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary washes her ass in it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac5pn8/nuns_at_pearly_gates/
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The emperor penguin mates at temperatures as low as -120 degrees F.

He is a frigid midget with a rigid digit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac5nl8/the_emperor_penguin_mates_at_temperatures_as_low/
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A teenager was standing in front of a recruiter, about to sign his life away to the Marines.

The recruiter promised him adventure and action, and the teenager was buying it all up. He finished his training (Semper Fi!) and was immediately given his first posting: he was going to Afghanistan. Being an FNG, the Devil Dog worked long and worked hard, but by the end of his tour, he felt he had earned the respect of those he served with.
When he rotated back to the States, his handler asked what he wanted to do next, and bless his soul, our Marine says he wants nothing more than to go right back to Afghanistan, he doesn’t feel right leaving his squad behind. His handler looks at him like he’s a bit off, but hey, if he wants to go back, that’s up to him. Our Marine now has experience, and a brand-new promotion. He now shows the new boys the ropes, and helps the LT not get his head blown off. A near-miss has him out of commission for a bit, but he refuses to leave the country, he cares too much for his team.
Finally, another promotion and several medals later, his second tour is up. He rotates back to the States and meets his handler again. He’s been offered a training billet, passing on his lessons to new Marines. He’s been offered to become an Officer and lead other Marines, but our Marine won’t have it, he wants right back to Afghanistan. His handler tries convincing him that two tours is more than enough, but if our Marine has learned one thing, it’s persistence. Eventually his handler gives up, and the Devil Dog starts his third Afghan tour.
This tour is both harder and easier. On the one hand, he knows all the tricks, and is really in the groove. On the other hand, he’s seen too many of his friends get hurt or killed, and he knows that he’s one lucky sonuvabitch. But our Marine won’t let something small like fear get in his way, he shits hand grenades and pisses napalm! Fear is for pussies! And so, he begins his third tour. His name is starting to become known in the region, as someone the Afghanis can trust and someone the Taliban know to be wary of. Wherever he goes, his sector is quiet. He takes the new Marines on their first tour under his wing, mentoring them and helping them make it home alive.
Back in the states, his name is spreading through the Corps. Promotions and medals are bestowed upon our Marine, but that doesn’t matter to him. He’s got a mission, and by God Almighty he’s going to fulfill it. His third tour ends, and he’s back in front of his handler. Higher ups are insistent that he take up a training position, but the Devil Dog won’t have it. He wants back to Afghanistan. It doesn’t matter what anyone says, even when the Marine Commandant himself drops by to talk with him. Finally, exasperated, the Commandant wants to know why this exemplary Marine hasn’t changed his posting to Afghanistan once since his enlistment. “Well sir,” says the Marine, “reposting is all I really know”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac5msk/a_teenager_was_standing_in_front_of_a_recruiter/
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Did you hear about the power source that was arrested for assault?

It was charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac5mis/did_you_hear_about_the_power_source_that_was/
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By siri

I was washing the car with a friend and they said: Can’t you just use a sponge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac5md9/by_siri/
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Why do golfers wear two pair of pants?

In case they get a hole-in-one (i know that this joke is shit)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac5m39/why_do_golfers_wear_two_pair_of_pants/
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A man enters a bar with a shotgun

He yells: "Who slept with my wife?!"
The barman says: "Are you crazy?! You'll not have enough ammo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac5lns/a_man_enters_a_bar_with_a_shotgun/
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My great grandfather is a really spiritual person

He’s dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac5l5l/my_great_grandfather_is_a_really_spiritual_person/
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A prostitute walks into a general store...

The shopkeeper says, "what can I do ya for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac5iuv/a_prostitute_walks_into_a_general_store/
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An Irishman walks into a clock store.

He asks 'do you have a potato clock?'
'No' replies the clerk, a little shocked 'We have grandfather clocks and we have cuckoo clocks, but we don't have any potato clocks, no'
'Ah that's a shame' laments the Irishman, leaving the store. But the next day he returns and asks in earnest
'Are you sure that you don't have a potato clock?'
'Of course' the clerk replies, 'I even checked with suppliers last night and they don't make potato clocks anywhere...what do you want a potato clock for anyway?'
The Irishman shuffles his feet before responding 'Well, it's just my boss you see...he says that if I got a potato clock then I could be at work by nine'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac5c4r/an_irishman_walks_into_a_clock_store/
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Why Anne Frank didn't finish her diary

**Concentration problems**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac5any/why_anne_frank_didnt_finish_her_diary/
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If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac4z9v/if_you_find_gold_in_australia_where_should_you/
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What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac4yje/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
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Alphabet soup?

More like *Times New Ramen*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac4yj2/alphabet_soup/
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Earth is flat

...on paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac4y3j/earth_is_flat/
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A man is selling berries from a stand on the street.

One day, a woman walks up to the stand and asks the vendor, "Do you have tomatoes?"
"I'm sorry miss, but I only carry berries. I have these delisious blueberries picked fresh from the bush just this morning. Would you like to try some?" The vendor asked.
"Oh, no thanks" the woman replies and she walks away.
The next day the vendor is out selling berries once again and the same lady comes up to his stand.
"Do you have tomatoes?" She asks again.
The vendor, somewhat perplexed explains, "I'm sorry miss but as I said yesterday, I only sell berries. I dont have tomatoes but I have these mouthwatering strawberries picked fresh just this morning! Theyre so sweet you'd think they were candy, you must try some."
"Oh, no thanks." The woman says again and walks away, leaving the vendor upset.
The next day the lady comes back and just as the vendor predicted, she asks again and this continues for the next couple days and each day, the vendor becomes more and more frustrated with the woman.
The next time the lady shows up, shes asks yet again, "Do you have tomatoes?"
The vendor replies,
"Look lady, what word do you get when you take the word 'Berry' out of 'Straw berry?
The woman thinks for a moment, "Straw."
"Right. And what word do you get when you take the word 'Berry' out of 'Blueberry'?"
Again she thinks and says, "Blue."
Finally the vendor asks, "what word do you get when you take the word 'Fuck' out of 'Tomatoes'?"
The woman looks confused and says, "There is no fuck in tomatoes"
The vendor says, "THATS WHAT IVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac4swn/a_man_is_selling_berries_from_a_stand_on_the/
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I can chop wood just by looking at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac4ssd/i_can_chop_wood_just_by_looking_at_it/
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"Say, you and your wife... did you ever put it in the other hole?"

"Are you crazy, man? She'd get pregnant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac4qrq/say_you_and_your_wife_did_you_ever_put_it_in_the/
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People think that I'm stupid because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions.

Well, I beg to differ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac4q8p/people_think_that_im_stupid_because_i_ask_them/
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(At Court) Me: Your honor, I was having sex between 10 am and 11 am.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You’re not even in this trial.
Me: I know, I just want it on the record.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac4llb/at_court_me_your_honor_i_was_having_sex_between/
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I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids.

She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.
She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;
"Get a fucking grip, you stupid bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac4gnu/i_saw_a_woman_in_the_supermarket_struggling_to/
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A man and his wife have been recently wed, however the man's work calls for him to leave the country for six months.

Now, before this point, him and his wife have been having a pretty *intimate* relationship, as it were, and the wife wasn't too pleased about not seeing her husband for six months - mainly because she'd have nothing to satisfy herself with. She expressed her feelings to her husband and on the day before his departure, he went to the local sex toy shop to attempt to find her a method of sustenance for the following six months.
When he entered, the shop was completely empty, except for one shop assistant. He approached the shop assistant and asked whether there was something *really special* that he could give her wife while he was away. The shop assistant thought for a moment, before leading the man into the back of the shop to an ancient, hand carved, wooden case. He gently lifted the lid and revealed what seemed to be a wooden dildo.
The man was irritated. "This isn't enough! You said you'd find something special!"
The shop assistant remained calm and told him: "This isn't a normal dildo. This is a voodoo dildo. Watch."
He lifted out the dildo and exclaimed: "**Voodoo dildo, the keyhole!**"
The dildo immediately, of its own volition, starting fucking the keyhole on the door. The man was amazed and bought it instantly, bringing home to his wife that evening.
When he brought it to his wife, she was astounded when he showed her.
"Look: **Voodoo dildo, the keyhole!**" It had the same effect.
"Wow!" She said, thoroughly impressed, and thanked him.
The next day, the man had left, so she thought she'd have some time to herself. She took out this dildo and shouted: "**Voodoo dildo, my vagina!**"
It set to work.
About ten minutes later, she was having the time of her life. Suddenly, she realised that she didn't know how to make it stop. She tried many different ways, but it would not stop.
"There's only one way" she said. "I need to go to the hospital."
She struggled into her car, and with great difficulty, started to drive down the nearest motorway to the hospital. Now, as of course you'd expect, it was hard for her to operate a car whilst having a long wooden rod move in and out of her at great speed. One accidental turn took her off course and she crashed violently into a tree.
About 15 minutes later, the police arrived and asked her what had happened. She explained the whole story of the dildo, having to get to the hospital and why she needed help - yet, the didn't seem to believe her.
One policeman looked at her and shook his head.
His disbelief caused his downfall:
_**"Voodoo dildo, my ass."**_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac4fay/a_man_and_his_wife_have_been_recently_wed_however/
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If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac4dvu/if_a_man_talks_dirty_to_a_woman_its_sexual/
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Whats the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac4d2m/whats_the_best_thing_about_fingering_a_gypsy_on/
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Why did the condom fly accross the room?

It was pissed off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac4b7k/why_did_the_condom_fly_accross_the_room/
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Ouch!

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac49d0/ouch/
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Dog in the front yard

There is a dog in the neighbours front yard sitting at an office desk, filling in forms, typing on a laptop and answering the phone.
The neighbour yells out, "I don't want your damn dog doing his business on my lawn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac498i/dog_in_the_front_yard/
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Your mom is so fat

Her school picture from first grade is still printing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac460b/your_mom_is_so_fat/
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The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."

A Time Traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac42md/the_barman_says_we_dont_serve_time_travellers_in/
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I lost my good mate Gav yesterday due to an overdose of heartburn tablets

I can't believe gavisgon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac40fo/i_lost_my_good_mate_gav_yesterday_due_to_an/
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A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, "Please help! My daddy is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"

He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac3yd8/a_little_boy_came_running_up_to_me_and_pleaded/
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I don’t know why girls don’t like my penis

We’re taught to enjoy the little things in life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac3sjh/i_dont_know_why_girls_dont_like_my_penis/
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Penguin in the Desert

A penguin is driving his car through the desert when steam starts pouring out from under the hood. Luckily, he sees a gas station up ahead. The penguin pulls into the station and while the mechanic checks out his car in the garage, the penguin goes into the mini-market for an iced cream. As he walks back towards the garage trying to eat the ice cream with his tiny flipper hands, it's melting in the sun and getting all over his face. As he arrives at the garage, completely covered in iced cream, the mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin replies, "No, it's just iced cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac3rwa/penguin_in_the_desert/
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A businessman boarded a flight....

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac3rrv/a_businessman_boarded_a_flight/
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What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, begins with a C, has a U and an N in the middle, and ends with a T

COCONUT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac3nnr/whats_hairy_on_the_outside_wet_on_the_inside/
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What do yo call a polar bear at the beach?

Lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac3cxc/what_do_yo_call_a_polar_bear_at_the_beach/
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Your mom is so fat

Thanos had to snap twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac3bl0/your_mom_is_so_fat/
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Why do you never seen 3 Mexicans crossing the border?

Because the signs say, "No Trespassing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac3apv/why_do_you_never_seen_3_mexicans_crossing_the/
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Three men are waiting in the hospital for their kids to be born...

...The first nurse comes in and says to the first man "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!" The first man replies "What a coincidence, I work at Twin Massachusetts!"
A few minutes pass when a second nurse comes up to the second father and says "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!" The second man responds "No way! I work at 3M! What are the odds?"
The third man opens a window and jumps out just as the third nurse comes in. She asked the other two men where he went, and the second man replied "Oh, he jumped out the window. You see, he works for Seven Up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac35ui/three_men_are_waiting_in_the_hospital_for_their/
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One day this old couple were at a carnival...

The man said to his wife:
“Honey, can we go on the helicopter ride?”
The wife says:”no, it says to be quiet so the pilot can focus, but you always shout. Even though, it says it’s $10 and I didn’t bring my money.”
The man keeps asking his wife until the pilot came up to them:
“Hey, I heard you guys wanted to have a ride.”
The wife explained that his husband can’t be quiet and they didn’t have any money on them. The pilot says:
“Look, ill give you a ride for free, only if you guys are silent. No sounds. Or else I’m dropping you off.”
The husband says he’ll be quiet, and so, they go on.
They take off, and the couple are quiet. The pilot tries to make them scream, so he does a couple flips, but they stay silent.
*him, I need to make the scream. What about...*
The pilot does his signature move: the tornado. He goes around and around sideways, getting closer and closer together. He does this risky move, but they stay quiet.
After he drops them off, he says:
“Man, I tried to make you guys scream, but you stayed quiet. Good job!”
The husband says:
“Yeah, it was hard. I almost screamed when my wife fell out, but I kept my mouth shut!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac32hd/one_day_this_old_couple_were_at_a_carnival/
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One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.
On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money in his newfound hobby and sticks with it. On the third day, Sting manages a huge profit and decides to reward himself with an expensive Rolls Royce. With his newfound love of trading stocks, Sting decides to put even more of his money into trading, and continues on with it.
On the fourth day, high on the previous day's earnings, Sting buys a large amount of unstable stock, putting most of his wealth into it, sure that it is a good wager.  The following day a huge news story breaks of embezzlement in the company Sting invested in and its stock drops, losing the musician a huge amount of his money.
The following week, he hears a large car pulling into his driveway, and he exits his house to see what this was about. In his driveway he sees a tow truck hooking up to his brand new Rolls Royce, about to be repossessed.
"What is going on?" He shouts at the driver and as the driver turns around, he reveals himself to be a Buddhist monk. "A monk?" Sting asks surprisedly. "Why would you be working for a repossession company?"
"Well," the monk begins. "You won't believe the amount of karma you can get for repo, Sting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac30oj/one_day_legendary_musician_sting_becomes_bored_of/
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Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person...

Today,  I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac2xl6/yesterday_i_gave_up_my_seat_on_the_bus_for_a/
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You don’t really wash your hands

They actually wash each other while you stand there and watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac2uwn/you_dont_really_wash_your_hands/
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A married couple are lying in bed one night...

A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes"?
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay".
The husband says, "No, not at all".
His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then"?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac2unc/a_married_couple_are_lying_in_bed_one_night/
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Todd was dirt broke, no skills, and not the brightest bulb in the light-shop.

And to make it worse, his mom was always on his case about getting out and making something of himself. One day, sick of her nagging, he answered a help wanted ad.
“So you think you have what it takes to be a Repo man, Todd?” the interviewer asked.
“Sure, man. I got this.”
But Todd didn’t get it. He was really bad. He kept getting shot at by angry owners, chased by dogs... he even grabbing the wrong vehicle more than once! His mom wouldn’t let him forget it either.
“If you don’t figure this out, you’re on the street, Todd!” she yelled at him.
So Todd went in to work the next day, and told his boss how bad things looked. His boss was a pretty understanding guy, all things considered, and said, “Todd, I like you. I’m going to help you out. If you want get better at this, you need to talk to The Man. I’ll set it up on your next job.”
So Todd went to the address his boss wrote down, and waited by the car he was supposed to repossess. After about an hour, The Police showed up - and I don’t mean the boys in blue - I mean Sting, Stewart and Andy.
Let me tell you, if you think those guys could rock on stage, you should see what they can do to a late model Corolla behind on its payments! Faster than you could say “Roxanne,” that car was open, fired up, and out of there!
Todd was blown away by their skills for the rest of that week. They taught him everything! And NO ONE was better than Sting (of course!). He showed Todd a million tricks, and before he knew it, Todd was the lead repo dude at the office.
After an especially lucrative week, he brought home a new 72” flatscreen and gave it to his mother. She was absolutely floored.
“How did you do this, Todd!?” she exclaimed, “How did you become so successful?”
“A lot of hard work,” he replied, “ and I had great teachers! They were amazing - especially the leader! It’s true…
Repo-Sting is the best way to get car, ma!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac2u9e/todd_was_dirt_broke_no_skills_and_not_the/
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What is the difference between snowmen and snow-women?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac2ti9/what_is_the_difference_between_snowmen_and/
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My New Years resolution is to exercise more

because the consequences of my bad habits have started to weigh on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac2rzd/my_new_years_resolution_is_to_exercise_more/
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It's really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.

They never get any green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac2qdi/its_really_weird_playing_uno_with_a_mexican/
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Why did Mike Tyson plant marijuana instead of corn?

He was afraid he'd eat all of the ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac2l5e/why_did_mike_tyson_plant_marijuana_instead_of_corn/
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Nurse: “My phone just died.”

Doctor: “Let’s call it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac2hps/nurse_my_phone_just_died/
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A traveling salesman was driving on a lonely country road on his way home one night when a huge storm came up. He saw farmhouse up the road and headed for it. He knocked on the door and the farmer answered. The salesman asked if he could take shelter from the storm at his house.

The farmer welcomed him in and put him up for the night. In the morning, the kind farmer served him bacon and eggs and the salesman was extremely thankful for his hospitality On his way out, the farmer walked him to his car and  the salesman saw a pig with 3 legs go past. The salesman asked why does that pig only have 3 legs?. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s one special pig!”  The salesman asked why he was special. The farmer said, “Well, one night a fire broke out in the house and the wife and I were sleeping. That pig broke through the door and made such a racket that it woke us up and saved our lives!”  The salesman said “Wow! But why does he have only 3 legs?” The farmer said “Well, that’s one special pig! Another time my son fell into the well and that pig came running to me squealing and led me to him so I could rescue him! “. The salesman said, “Yes he sounds very special, so why does he only have 3 legs? “ And the farmer replied, “well now, son, a pig that special you don’t eat all at once!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac2hj9/a_traveling_salesman_was_driving_on_a_lonely/
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A very rich American gentleman...

A very rich American gentleman was walking along minding his own business, briefcase in hand. He wore glasses, a suit, and a well-trimmed beard.
Suddenly, a shorter, poorly dressed man appeared in his path. He desperately needed a shave and his eyes seemed to bug out.
"Sir! May I please look at your socks?" The man inquired frantically. "It is of utmost importance."
The gentleman was taken aback. "My socks? Who are you? What do you want?"
"Please! Just let me see your socks! There's no time for questions!"
Not really in a hurry, the gentleman decided to comply, so that perhaps the man would leave him alone. He reached down and pull up the legs of his pants enough to reveal his socks. Only then did he notice that one was black and the other was a dark shade of gray.
"Aha! Yes!" Cried the strange man. "You are the one the prophecy spoke of."
"What? Prophecy?"
"No time! We must travel to Italy."
"Uh..."
"Money is of no concern. Just come with me on a plane flight. You and I are going to change the world."
"You're insane. Goodbye."
"Wait! You are getting paid for this in the billions!"
That got the gentleman's attention. One thing led to another, and the two mem were in Italy. The strange man led him to a huge monestary. There they found a monk watering a flower garden.
"Go to that monk. Offer him a million dollars as payment for his garden.
"Uh..."
"Just do it! Go!"
So the gentleman did it. He was quite rich, after all. It wasn't difficult to persuade the monk to part with his plants.
"Ok," said the strange man. "Now we go to Germany."
"But..."
"Millions of dollars!"
So the duo flew to Germany. The strange man was apparently quite wealthy as well, as he played for the flights. Once again, they found a monk tending a garden full of daisies, and once again the gentleman bought the garden for one mil.
They did the same at monestaries in France, Russia, and Romania.
At last, the strange man flew the gentleman back to the States and gave him a case of five billion dollars.
"Thank you so much," said the strange man. "You saved us all. Please accept this money as the gratitude of the world.
The gentleman was confused. "All I did was buy a bunch of gardens. What exactly did we accomplish?"
The strange man put his hand on the gentleman's shoulder. "Don't you see? It's what the prophecy says. Only you, sir, could prevent florist friars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac2ebp/a_very_rich_american_gentleman/
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A new Navy recruit begins his first day on the submarine.

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
“Yeah, this sub is full of reposts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac24wq/a_new_navy_recruit_begins_his_first_day_on_the/
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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.

... until the police came and removed me from the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac21hx/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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A young woman is talking to a group of men at a party

She says to the first guy, "Did you hear about the new study that shows vegetables can prevent cancer? Guess we should all be drinking Bloody Marys, huh?"
"Actually..." the first man replies. "That won't help because tomatoes are a fruit."
Annoyed, she turns to a second man and changes the subject. "Well did you see the Yankees game last night? Can't believe they scored the winning run on a wild pitch!"
"Actually..." corrects the second man. "The official scorekeeper ruled it a passed ball."
Getting quite angry she exclaims, "Well maybe I should just start asking questions. You guys can't possibly be so pedantic that way." She turns to a third man and asks, "So, how's work been going? I hear you're an accountant."
The man takes a big gulp and begins, "Actuary..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac20v4/a_young_woman_is_talking_to_a_group_of_men_at_a/
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How much do you get paid to preform a circumcision?

Not much, but you get to keep the tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac1tuo/how_much_do_you_get_paid_to_preform_a_circumcision/
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How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plough?

Give her a shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac1rg2/how_do_you_turn_a_dishwasher_into_a_snow_plough/
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A man lies down on his psychiatrist’s couch

“I think I’m hearing voices,” the man says, getting right to the point.
“Tell me more,” says the shrink.
The man continues “I can hear a woman shrieking at the top of her lungs. And children crying. Someone else was whispering into a phone, but that’s died down now.”
The doctor leans back and scratches his chin. After a short pause he says “I think I can help you. But you’re going to have to act quickly.”
“I’ll do anything,” pleads the man. “You gotta help me.”
“Are you by any chance hearing a loud siren?” asks the doc.
“How did you know?” the man exclaims. “What do I do now?”
The psychiatrist takes a deep breath and looks the man straight in the eye. “The first thing you can do,” he tells the man, “is get the fuck out of my house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac1je5/a_man_lies_down_on_his_psychiatrists_couch/
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First Day in the Monastery

A young man joined an order of Benedictine monks.  On his first day, the aged Abbott takes him on a tour of the monastery.  The young novice is shown to the cells where the monks sleep, the chapel where the monks pray, the mess hall where they eat.  Finally, the Abbott takes the new recruit to see the Scriptorium, where the monks copy and illuminate important texts.  After watching the monks for a few moments, the young man asks the Abbott a question.
“Father, do these monks always copy from copies, rather than originals?”
“Yes my son.  That is what we have done for centuries.”
“But, if a monk ever made a mistake, that error would be passed down in copy after copy after copy and you’d never discover the mistake!”
Thinking for a moment, the Abbott nods sagely. “There is truth in what you say, hound novice!  I believe you will do well here.”
That night, no one could find the Abbott.  Monks searched the cells, the chapel, the mess hall.  Finally, the young novice went to the scriptorium.  There he found the Abbott in tears, holding an ancient copy of the rules of the order.
“Father!  What’s wrong?  Why are you weeping?”
Looking up through tear streaked eyes, the Abbott replied:
“The word is ‘Celebrate.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac1hou/first_day_in_the_monastery/
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What did Liam Neeson say to the person who stole his copy of Microsoft Office?

I will find you. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac1fe3/what_did_liam_neeson_say_to_the_person_who_stole/
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with

She said, "Yes, all the others were at least a 7."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac1f5l/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_shed_been/
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I like my coffee like I like my women...

Not too hot, so I can put my dick in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac17rp/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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One day a young Buddhist on his journey

home came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier.
Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher, “Oh wise one, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river”?
The teacher ponders for a moment looks up and down the river and yells back, “My son, you are on the other side”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac15j6/one_day_a_young_buddhist_on_his_journey/
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You know what, as a Jew, I'm getting really tired of these Jewish jokes.

We need to stop giving them away for free and figure out a way to monetize them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac14tr/you_know_what_as_a_jew_im_getting_really_tired_of/
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What do you call an observant witch?

A watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac0zv7/what_do_you_call_an_observant_witch/
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What do you call a stoner who has just smoked his last nug?

High and dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac0zkh/what_do_you_call_a_stoner_who_has_just_smoked_his/
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I asked my Chinese student what Roe vs. Wade is...

He said: two ways to get to America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac0rp3/i_asked_my_chinese_student_what_roe_vs_wade_is/
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A cowboy, who just moved from Wyoming to Texas,

walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.  The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “Hasn't affected my brothers though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac0ra3/a_cowboy_who_just_moved_from_wyoming_to_texas/
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What do you call a locomotive on the first day of the job?

A trainee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac0obb/what_do_you_call_a_locomotive_on_the_first_day_of/
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An In-vest-a-gator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac0nk9/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
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The man who invented the television remote control passed away today

They found him at home between the couch cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac0kxu/the_man_who_invented_the_television_remote/
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My nose is exhausted

It's been running all day.
Thanks Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac0k7c/my_nose_is_exhausted/
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What did the Green Grape say to the Purple Grape?

Breathe you fool! Breathe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac0k2u/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"
They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"
The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.
"Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac0dyt/so_a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_a_physicist/
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Why did the Germans lose World War 2?

They could nazi the errors of their ways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac08in/why_did_the_germans_lose_world_war_2/
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I like my men like I like my coffee.

Ground up and in the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac088o/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A priest, a rapist and a child molester walk into a bar.

.He orders a drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac04uq/a_priest_a_rapist_and_a_child_molester_walk_into/
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NSFW A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
“Can I help you?” she asks.
“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”
“Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”
The man replies, “Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ac00gc/nsfw_a_guy_walks_into_a_pub_and_sees_a_sign/
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As we were heading through the grocery store checkout, my wife looked over at the candy and said, "Oh, Mentos! Let's get some!" I shrugged and said, "I already have Mentos." Puzzled, she asked, "Really? Where?"

"On my men feet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abzy9l/as_we_were_heading_through_the_grocery_store/
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A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abzxm8/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar_and_find_his_way_to_a/
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair

But I always knew she’d come crawling back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abzx5b/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_stole/
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Two builders go into the pub (L)

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wanker then!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abzwf6/two_builders_go_into_the_pub_l/
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A Stoner Dies And Goes To Heaven

He meets God and God says to him, "Whatever you love most, I'll stick you in a room with it for 100 years." The stoner says, "I love weed!" So God takes him to a door and opens it to reveal a vast marijuana forest, stretching as far as the eye can see. All along the walls are a wide array of bowls, bongs, rolling machines, flavored papers, and every bit of paraphernalia imaginable. So God locks the stoner inside and leaves him.
100 years pass and God comes back to the room and unlocks the door. Inside he finds the stoner sitting on the floor crying. God says, "What's wrong? Did something happen?" The stoner says, "You forgot to give me a lighter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abzvtd/a_stoner_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse and a barrel full of money...

He asks the bartender “hey man what’s up with the horse and the money?”
Bartender goes “well here’s the deal - you put $5 in the barrel, and if you can make the horse laugh you get all the money.”
Looking at the barrel, the man sees it’s nearly full of $5 bills, so he smiles, walks over and drops $5 in, then whispers something in the horse’s ear.
Within moments the horse is rolling around laughing, braying loudly, can’t control itself.  Everyone in the bar including the bartender is stunned.  The guy just smiles, nods at them, grabs the cash and walks out.
A few weeks later the same guy walks into the same bar and sees the same horse, tied up and looking bored, at the end of the bar with another barrel full of cash.  The bartender recognizes him as he enters and goes “hey hey hey buddy I remember you - not so fast!  This time you gotta make him cry.”
The guy pauses and considers for a second, then smiles and nods.  He walks over, unties the horse, and leads him into the back room real quick.  Moments later they hear the horse sobbing and the man returns with it.  The horse is just bawling its eyes out.
As the man goes to grab the cash in front of the flabbergasted bartender, the bartender goes “well holy shit man what’s your secret?  Can you tell us how you did it at least?”
The man goes “sure.  The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his.  The second time, I showed him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abzoj5/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_horse_and_a/
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A nurse enters a doctor’s office - “Doctor, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible. What should I tell him?”

Doctor - “Tell him I can’t see him today.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abzmot/a_nurse_enters_a_doctors_office_doctor_theres_a/
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What is the last thing you want to hear while blowing Willie nelson?

"I'm not Willie Nelson"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abzb0g/what_is_the_last_thing_you_want_to_hear_while/
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I phoned my daughter, "Where are you? You should have been here an hour ago for our family dinner."

She said, "I'm with my boyfriend getting ready. We're almost finished."
"Thank goodness, I never liked him anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abz7to/i_phoned_my_daughter_where_are_you_you_should/
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Damn! I have just burnt my Hawaiian pizza...

...I should have put it on Aloha oven setting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abys7w/damn_i_have_just_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza/
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I saw a guy at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed.

I knew that shark wasn't going to help him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abys37/i_saw_a_guy_at_the_beach_yelling_help_shark_help/
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Me: Wow! This must be the slowest train I’ve ever been on.

Bride: Would someone please get this idiot off my dress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abyp2m/me_wow_this_must_be_the_slowest_train_ive_ever/
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Dad said one man's trash is another man's treasure

Pretty shit way to find out you're adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abyo2d/dad_said_one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
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What is worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abyhnk/what_is_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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One day a husband comes home from work . . .

. . . and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, my car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.
So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! What did he charge?" he says.
"Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or gave him a blowjob."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abyf2k/one_day_a_husband_comes_home_from_work/
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I brought my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abyb44/i_brought_my_daughter_out_for_her_first_drink/
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Why do people say Cancer’s hard to beat?

I’m already on stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aby8uq/why_do_people_say_cancers_hard_to_beat/
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Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't like to admit that a piece of meat can give them so much pleasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aby8c6/why_dont_vegetarians_moan_during_sex/
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A young man's grandma finds his condoms

She has never seen one before, and after opening the pack, carries it to him and asks "It said 'condom' on the wrapper. What's this for?"
The man is naturally a little embarrassed about the situation, and thinking quickly replies "Oh, they keep my cigarettes dry when it rains!"
Thinking this is a genius idea, the grandma goes to the supermarket the next day and asks one of the workers "Do you sell condoms here?"
"Certainly ma'am, what size will you need."
"Big enough to fit a camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aby25h/a_young_mans_grandma_finds_his_condoms/
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One day, a teacher gives her class an assignment.

They are to go home and think of a story with a moral at the end.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next.
"My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny.
"My uncle Ted fought in the Iraq war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aby1gj/one_day_a_teacher_gives_her_class_an_assignment/
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Did you hear about the Honda employee who was found not guilty?

It was the judge’s Civic duty to let him leave on his own Accord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abxzym/did_you_hear_about_the_honda_employee_who_was/
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A man walks into a bar . . .

. . . and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"
The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abxy5a/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table
dance, big boy?"
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abxvnl/a_wife_decides_to_take_her_husband_dave_to_a/
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They always talk about Mississippi

.....but what about Mr. Issippi?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abxvfz/they_always_talk_about_mississippi/
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Which creature loses it's virginity the earliest?

A chicken. It gets laid at birth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abxu8s/which_creature_loses_its_virginity_the_earliest/
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My ceramics teacher came into class so drunk he fell into the kiln.

He got fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abxtid/my_ceramics_teacher_came_into_class_so_drunk_he/
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A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter.  He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters.  When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail.  He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from.  He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address.  Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient.  He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.
The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up.  He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it.  The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.
*Ding-dong, ding-dong.  Ding-dong, ding-dong.  Ding-dong, Ding-dong.*
The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.
“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”
“Ah, my letter.  Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated.  Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.
“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”
“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk.  “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abxd7g/a_mailman_notices_a_mailbox_with_the_flag_up/
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I turned 18 today, so I bought myself a locket and put my picture in it. I guess I really am

Independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abx8po/i_turned_18_today_so_i_bought_myself_a_locket_and/
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What is Sherlock Holmes' favorite type of rock?

Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abx2vt/what_is_sherlock_holmes_favorite_type_of_rock/
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Your momma so fat...

She got smaller fat people orbiting around her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abx2uz/your_momma_so_fat/
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A woman walks into a local diner

The waiter asks "What can I get for you?"
The woman responds "Do you have anything that is cheap, vegetarian, low in calories, low in sodium, and gluten-free"
"Napkins" retorts the waiter.
The woman, annoyed by his sarcasm, responds "Very funny, but I'm actually looking for something with flavor!"
The waiter pauses for a moment to consider it, but he finally answers "Used napkins"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abx1aq/a_woman_walks_into_a_local_diner/
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Why did God make man before he made woman?

Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abwz72/why_did_god_make_man_before_he_made_woman/
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Yesterday a clown held the door open for me,

I thought it was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abwy5d/yesterday_a_clown_held_the_door_open_for_me/
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I showed my date where I live.

I proudly said, "As you can see it's open-plan, with views of everywhere around. Terrific ventilation, heating, and a glorious stereo system if that interests you."
And all the judgemental bitch had to say was: "I don't know anyone else that lives in their car..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abwvqf/i_showed_my_date_where_i_live/
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Word has it that r/jokes will be the greenest sub by the end of 2019

Our recycling efficiency may even reach 100%!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abwkw1/word_has_it_that_rjokes_will_be_the_greenest_sub/
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Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abwkot/why_did_the_boy_tiptoe_past_the_medicine_cabinet/
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I tried to make a Berlin Wall joke but

It got taken down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abw69v/i_tried_to_make_a_berlin_wall_joke_but/
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Stoned out hippy on a bus

A stoned out hippie is riding a bus. While riding a nun boards the bus. The hippie is positively smitten with her and thinks she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. As it happens she sits right across the aisle from him.
The hippie can't contain himself. He leans over and tells her "you are very beautiful, and I would love to fuck you."
The nun gets quite flustered and gets off the bus at the next stop.
Later, as the hippie is getting off the bus, the driver says to him. "Hey, I saw you talking to that beautiful nun. And I notice she got off the bus a few stops early. What did you say?"
The hippie confesses that he told her he wanted to fuck her.
The bus driver says "I totally understand. Here is the thing. She is a regular on my bus. I happen to know that every night around 10:00pm she goes to the cemetery and prays near a large statue of the Virgin Mary. Maybe if you saw her there, she might react differently."
The hippie goes home and thinks it over. He realizes that there is no way this nun will ever fuck him as he is. So, he concocts a plan. He finds a mask and wig that look like a wise old man. He puts them on, along with a robe and heads to the cemetery.
Sure enough, at 10:00pm he sees her there, kneeling in prayer. He comes up behind her and says, "My child. I am the Lord and I have come to have sex with you."
The nun answers, "My Lord, I am yours for the taking, but I do ask that you take me in the ass, as I want to remain a virgin for life, just like my role model, the Virgin Mary."
The hippie is down with that, so he bends her over, lifts her habit, and proceeds to absolutely pound her in the ass.
After he comes, he tears off the mask and yells "HA HA! It is me, the hippie from the bus!"
And the nun tears off her masks and yells
"HA HA! It is me! The Bus Driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abvtas/stoned_out_hippy_on_a_bus/
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Your mom is so fat

I swerved to miss her and I ran out of gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abvsbv/your_mom_is_so_fat/
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Three friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"
Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."
Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abvpwu/three_friends_bragged_about_who_has_more_sex/
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A native american hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.

As they were driving along, the native american noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents. The city man replied: "It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife".
The native american looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said: "Good trade".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abvo4r/a_native_american_hitchhiker_was_picked_up_by_a/
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I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abvn9u/i_picked_up_a_hitchhiker_last_night_he_seemed/
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How did Darth Vader know what you were getting for Christmas?

He felt your presents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abvl1d/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_you_were_getting/
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A new navy recruit is assigned to his first submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abvjee/a_new_navy_recruit_is_assigned_to_his_first/
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So far, 2019 seems odd.

Like every other year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abv5en/so_far_2019_seems_odd/
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Well your momma so fat

That it's stopped being funny and is now a serious medical problem that we need to discuss son and that we as a family must deal with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abv4w5/well_your_momma_so_fat/
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My Door Bell is not working

I deserve NoBell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abv4cw/my_door_bell_is_not_working/
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Things I do to annoy my wife...

1) Say 'bless yooou' in the same intonation as her 'Atchooo'
2) Sing "Little red corvette... the kind you find in a second-hand store"
3) Bring her an empty plate and say "Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!"
4) Leave a room, fart loudly, return as if nothing's happened
5) \[Thunder outside\] Her: "We're due a shower" Me: "What, together?"
6) Loudly hum The Imperial March in time to her footsteps when she stomps past me in a mood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abusjc/things_i_do_to_annoy_my_wife/
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If you cut a minute steak...

...into 60 pieces then everyone can have seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aburkj/if_you_cut_a_minute_steak/
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You know, Moses was ahead of his time.

He was the first to download to his tablet from the cloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abuqsw/you_know_moses_was_ahead_of_his_time/
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"Jesus loves you"

... Wonderful to hear in a church..... ... Terrifying to hear in a Mexican jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abuptg/jesus_loves_you/
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Breaking News: Government shutdown ends as Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abulyo/breaking_news_government_shutdown_ends_as_bill/
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I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abuljq/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_for_my_number/
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My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abul8e/my_wife_says_if_this_post_gets_over_1000_upvotes/
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A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...

... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.
"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine.  None of my crew like me.  You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.
"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.
"Why?" said the Captain.
The monk replied "You'd be surprised at the amount of karma you get from reposting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abujmf/a_submarine_captain_is_walking_down_the_street/
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An admiral is doing an inspection of his ships.

First, he talks to the Captain of an aircraft carrier and asks for a status report. The captain says, " Sir, the stern engine appears to be disconnected from the other engines. The engineers say that it may be malfunctioning." The admiral makes a note of this and says that he will order repairs to that engine.
Then the admiral goes and speaks with the captain of a destroyer. The captain of the destroyer says: "sir, our radar seems to be malfunctioning. It constantly turns on and off, and even when it is on it does not show enemy movements." The admiral thanks him for this information and says that he will order repairs to the radar.
Then the admiral walks over to the captain of a nuclear submarine and asks for a status report. The captain says, "Sir, the plumbing system has gone haywire! Every time a sailor uses the head and flushes, the toilets don't flush but instead spew up waste from the septic tank! The entire crew has gotten sick from the foul smell!"
The admiral thinks for a moment and says , "So, Captain, are you telling me that this sub is full of regurgitated shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abugmi/an_admiral_is_doing_an_inspection_of_his_ships/
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The hidden golden toilet

Two friends, Barry and Larry, meet up at the restaurant for lunch and order some food.
While eating, Barry talks about what happened to him a few nights ago:
“Man, you’re never going to believe me: on Thursday night after being quite drunk, I ended up in a bar where if you order the strongest beer they have, they let you drop a deuce in their hidden golden toilet!’’
Amazed by this story and curious about the hidden golden toilet, Larry decides to check the bar in the evening.When he arrives, the place is nice and calm, there aren’t that many people, just a few customers, the bartender and his wife: it’s chill.
Excited, Larry goes to the bartender and asks for the strongest beer they have.
The bartender gives him the beer and Larry drinks it.
After a few minutes enjoying his beverage, Larry feels like he could use the bathroom... He leans over the counter and whispers to the bartender: “Hey, could you tell me where the hidden golden toilet is? I really need to go’’.
Dazzled and furious, the bartender shouts to his wife: “Denise! I finally found out who shat in your trombone !!!’’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abubll/the_hidden_golden_toilet/
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The holocaust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abuayr/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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I got mugged by 6 dwarfs last night....

Not Happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abu72f/i_got_mugged_by_6_dwarfs_last_night/
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Everyone said I screwed up my stapler joke

But I think I fucking nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abu6dg/everyone_said_i_screwed_up_my_stapler_joke/
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A Jewish man owns a craft shop

The local tailor, a known racist and anti-Semite, goes into his shop and says "Oi, I want some yellow yarn, deliver it to my shop tomorrow at nine exactly."
The Jewish shop owner is loathe to serve this man, but knowing it's where almost a quarter of his profits come from, he has little choice. "Certainly, how much yarn will you need?"
The tailor looks the Jewish man over with contempt and answers "I reckon enough yarn to stretch from the tip of your big Jewish nose to the tip of your little Jewish penis ten times."
The next day, the Jewish shopkeeper arrives at the tailors and explains the yarn is outside. When the tailor looks out there, however, he sees two entire dump trucks emptying tons of yarn into the street. "How much yarn is that?!" He exclaims.
"Enough yarn to stretch from the tip of my Jewish nose right here, to the tip of my Jewish penis back in Israel, ten times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abu45m/a_jewish_man_owns_a_craft_shop/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."
The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."
The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat, and they are told this is paradise. My friends, they are definitely Russian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abu1ad/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_a_russian_are/
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A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.

He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothing to lose, so he hires him.
Sure enough, a few days later, the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand. The man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later, the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished; and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can’t just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free, he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk.
*“It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair,”* noted the man. *“Why do you do it?”*
The monk replied, *“Religious reasons.”*
The man then says, *“I don’t know much about Buddhism. Why do you need to repair fences?”*
*“Because,”* the monk replied, *“you would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting.”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abu0ih/a_man_goes_into_his_garden_and_notes_a_broken/
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A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."
The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.
The following day the priest is preparing for a visit from the local bishop. As he is weeding the gardens, he cuts his hand. Calling the nun over he says "there's a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my quarters somewhere, could you fetch it for me?" The nun nods and goes looking for it.
It is as the priest is greeting the bishop that she returns from the church and loudly announces "father, don't worry about the weed, the alcohol was under our bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abtz3j/a_nun_goes_to_the_priest_and_says_father_theres_a/
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I come from a mixed race family

My mum prefers the 100 metres, my dad is all about the relay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abtves/i_come_from_a_mixed_race_family/
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A man is having a costume party

where everyone is to come dressed as an emotion. After setting up everything for the party the doorbell rings.
The man goes to answer the door and sees to large Iranian men standing naked on his door step. One man has a pie over his genitals, while another seems to have his dick inside of a pear.
The man looks at them confused and says I think you have the wrong house.
The man with the pie says, no my friend we are here for the party.
Tha man replies, well you were supposed to come dressed as emotions, I'm not sure you got that part right.
The man with the pie says, we are emotions, you see. Pointing to the man with the pear he says, he is deep in dis pear, while I, am fucking dis custard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abtroz/a_man_is_having_a_costume_party/
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Why are testicles always so upset?

Their best friend is a dick and their only neighbor is an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abtpfm/why_are_testicles_always_so_upset/
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According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abtjsx/according_to_a_survey_64_of_americans_couldnt/
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The Queen was touring a hospital

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.
"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims
"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if that is not done at least daily" one of the doctors explains.
"Oh...well I suppose that is understandable" the queen says, and they continue the tour.
A few minutes later they pass a room where a patient is receiving a blow job from a rather attractive nurse.
"AND WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?!" the queen shouts, almost fainting.
"Same condition, better health plan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abtg5g/the_queen_was_touring_a_hospital/
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How can you tell when a pirate has been to the Apple store?

He's wearing an iPatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abtf9u/how_can_you_tell_when_a_pirate_has_been_to_the/
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Why does hurricanes always have a girl's name ?

Because they arrive hot and wet, and leave with your house and your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abte8r/why_does_hurricanes_always_have_a_girls_name/
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Your mom is so fat

that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.
[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abte16/your_mom_is_so_fat/
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Remember, because of synonyms, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"...

...and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abt9tl/remember_because_of_synonyms_forgive_me_father/
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An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.
One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe.
For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome.
After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world. Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest.
He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China. Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle. Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike. “My name is Yu! It’s an honor to meet you!” the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick.
It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town. However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu. Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too.
The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu’s father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider. By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave. Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded.
Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn’t have his beloved Chinese maiden.
So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do….
Rick rolled back into town screaming,
“I’m never gonna give Yu up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abt99l/an_american_biker_decides_to_travel_the_world/
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People always say I'm late and disorganised.

But wait until they see what I've got organised for tonight's New Year Eve party!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abt84j/people_always_say_im_late_and_disorganised/
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I hate when Mommy and Daddy get drunk and start fights.

They are both way bigger than me and there are two of them. It's not fair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abt6jj/i_hate_when_mommy_and_daddy_get_drunk_and_start/
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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. Once they finish, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”.
She confirms and asks how he knew.
“Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”
She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”
Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”
Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/absyof/at_a_medical_convention_a_male_doctor_and_a/
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Why Did Michael Jackson's Guitarist Quit?

Michael asked him to drop the G-string and put the D into A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abstum/why_did_michael_jacksons_guitarist_quit/
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What do you call the guy that can beat up everyone in a jail cell?

Mitochondria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/absszy/what_do_you_call_the_guy_that_can_beat_up/
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My new years resolution is to be more modest

Which won't be too hard because I'm already good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abss2q/my_new_years_resolution_is_to_be_more_modest/
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Punctuation really changes the meaning of a sentence.

For example:
"let's eat, grandma"
vs
"let's eat, punctuation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/absoi9/punctuation_really_changes_the_meaning_of_a/
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What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/absk4z/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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I'm not going to snack any more in 2019

I'm also not going to snack any less though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/absj3p/im_not_going_to_snack_any_more_in_2019/
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Guess who's back together after all that shit between them?

Your butt cheeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/absi62/guess_whos_back_together_after_all_that_shit/
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On average, a human will swallow 5 spiders in their lifetime

That’s because weirdos like me keep fucking up the averages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abshwo/on_average_a_human_will_swallow_5_spiders_in/
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Yo Mama so fat...

Your dad was attracted to her because of gravity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abscpo/yo_mama_so_fat/
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3 wishes

A man enters a bar with a very beautiful woman and a cat. They sit at the bar and the man orders: "For me a beer, my wife will have a white wine and the cat will have 9 meatballs please."
The man & wife drink and talk & the cat eats the meatballs. After a while, the man orders the same. When he puts the same order for the 3rd time the barman asks: "What's up with the cat and the meatballs?"
The man answers: "Well, a while ago I found an old lamp and when I polished it a genie came out of it and said I could do 3 wishes. Which I did. First I wanted to win the first prize in the lottery, then I asked for a new Ferrari but with the last wish he didn't understand my wish very well as I wished for a very beautiful woman with a hungry pussy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/absarx/3_wishes/
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This is the Alaska State Police.

Where were you during the night of November 14th to February 12th?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abs7zr/this_is_the_alaska_state_police/
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abs7q7/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
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What happens when you annoy a clock?

It gets ticked off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abs7bx/what_happens_when_you_annoy_a_clock/
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A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,
"Jesus died for your scenes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abs2ir/a_mexican_actor_died_while_performing_stunts_for/
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My ex girlfriend is going to make some guy very happy one day.

And fucking miserable the rest of the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abs014/my_ex_girlfriend_is_going_to_make_some_guy_very/
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How high are you?

A man was smoking weed in his car and got pulled over by a police officer. When the driver wind down his window, lots of smoke came out of his car.
Police officer said to the driver, “how high are you?”
Driver stoned for a few seconds and replied back with a straight face, “No officer. You’re wrong. It’s Hi, how are you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abryrj/how_high_are_you/
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On a cold winter’s morning, a tramp was walking along a country road...

when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop.
"I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"
"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"
The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting.
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the gangplank.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that our man the tramp is correct.
"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! The tramp had never in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like this.
First they went doen through the first class level:
Oriental carpets - 6" pile.
A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall.
Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair.
24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class:
As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep.
and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class,
down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with, a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..."
"Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived....
...and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen ...."
He broke off.
"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.
"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man.
For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain came to talk.
"O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"O.K." agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.
Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do."
And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb....
up and up ...
up and up ...
higher and higher ...
below him the ship grew smaller ...
up and up ...
on and on ...
past a solitary albatross ...
and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ...
still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began to shrink...
and higher, ever higher ...
on and on ....
higher, and higher, and on and on towards the diving board,
He climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and then...
he jumped .
slowly at first
but speeding up
faster, and faster
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,
the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster...
past the albatross,
faster
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL..........
SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping....
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT!
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen"
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on:
"But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:
"Well you see I'm a poor tramp so you must understand...
I've been through many a hardship in my life”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abrxy6/on_a_cold_winters_morning_a_tramp_was_walking/
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What do you call a rapper who can fart in many different ways?

50 scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abrrf6/what_do_you_call_a_rapper_who_can_fart_in_many/
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I lost my watch at a party once..

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abrm7a/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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Recently I was asked how I view lesbian relationships

I guess “In HD” wasn’t the right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abr9mo/recently_i_was_asked_how_i_view_lesbian/
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How do you kill an introvert?

You put a stranger in his kitchen to starve him to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abquvp/how_do_you_kill_an_introvert/
%
My New Year's resolution about eating better is going very well.

Only had one cheat day so far!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abqrpn/my_new_years_resolution_about_eating_better_is/
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abqq1e/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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I couldn't pay the exorcist that I hired.

He came around and re-possessed my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abqof3/i_couldnt_pay_the_exorcist_that_i_hired/
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I’ve been in the BDSM scene for a while. Recently, I developed feelings for a girl that wanted me to control her. She was amazing...

She was definitely a r/subifellfor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abqjwd/ive_been_in_the_bdsm_scene_for_a_while_recently_i/
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What do you call a blind German

A not-see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abqjo0/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
%
I am every girl's dream boyfriend

if that girl has insomnia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abqhpy/i_am_every_girls_dream_boyfriend/
%
What’s the scariest thing to read in Braille?

“Do not touch”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abqhlt/whats_the_scariest_thing_to_read_in_braille/
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How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abqh9n/how_many_battered_wives_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What’s the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?

One’s a Goodyear and the other’s a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abqfph/whats_the_difference_between_a_blimp_and_365_blow/
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Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abq8wg/why_did_jesus_quit_playing_hockey/
%
Did Michael Jackson really touch on little boys?

AlledgedlEE-Hee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abq8gs/did_michael_jackson_really_touch_on_little_boys/
%
An interviewer was interviewing a farmer about his livestock when he noticed two cows.

Interviewer: how much milk do those cows produce?
Farmer: oh the brown one can produce about 6 gallons a day.
Interviewer: and the other one?
Farmer: oh the black one produces the same.
Interviewer: okay and what do you feed them?
Farmer: I feed the brown one grass.
Interviewer: ....and the black one?
Farmer: Yes, I feed her with grass too.
Interviewer: why do you keep answering for one cow if both cows are the same?
Farmer: Oh I was just speaking about the cow that I owned, the brown one is mine.
Interviewer: So the black one is not yours?
Farmer: No, the black one is mine as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abq7b2/an_interviewer_was_interviewing_a_farmer_about/
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I'm going to quit my job working on this submarine

I'm under a lot of pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abq4mb/im_going_to_quit_my_job_working_on_this_submarine/
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I encountered my clone in a bathroom stall.

I said, "You've gotta be shitting me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abq4dj/i_encountered_my_clone_in_a_bathroom_stall/
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Little Johnny comes home from school....

Little Johnny comes home from school and his Grandma asks him about his day.
Little Johnny says, "Oh, school was fun. We were learning sexual education. The teacher taught us about penises and vaginas and how they function."
The grandmother, horrified by what she heard says, "I will not tolerate this language from you! Go to your room and don't come out until your mother gets home!"
When his mother arrives home, she asks grandma, "Where's little Johnny?" The grandmother proceeds to explain why she sent him to his room. The mother says, "Oh, that's okay. Students learn about these things early these days. I'll just go get him from his room."
The mother walked up the steps and into little Johnny's room to find him sitting in the corner masturbating. Horrified by what she sees, she closes the door and walks back downstairs. The Grandma asks "Where's little Johnny?" The mother replied "Oh, he's just busy doing his homework."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abq2d6/little_johnny_comes_home_from_school/
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Richest Man in Town

At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly.  The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”
“No.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“That’s why!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abq23x/richest_man_in_town/
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Why do Jews Have So Much Money?

They always keep the tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abpuc8/why_do_jews_have_so_much_money/
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Sam and his wife

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.
"I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."
Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head."
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abps46/sam_and_his_wife/
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Did you hear about the broken, asexual light bulb?

Nothing turns it on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abprah/did_you_hear_about_the_broken_asexual_light_bulb/
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How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They are efficient and not funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abpotn/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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So Gordon Ramsay’s having another kid...

Thought he didn’t like it raw...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abpn9a/so_gordon_ramsays_having_another_kid/
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Did you hear that they're making a Broadway production based off the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abpegv/did_you_hear_that_theyre_making_a_broadway/
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Did you hear about the gang of furries who savagely beat a homeless person?

Fucking animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abpb4g/did_you_hear_about_the_gang_of_furries_who/
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A doctor, priest, policeman, dog, Christian, comedian, blind man, Rabbi, firefighter, and Amy Schumer walk into a bar.

The bartender sighs and says, "My life is a joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abp9hr/a_doctor_priest_policeman_dog_christian_comedian/
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Big city teacher gets a job in rural Alabama. One room school, all grades...

A teacher is having trouble getting one of her troublesome students to learn basic math so she tries a new tack.
She asks the kid, "If there are 3 crows on a telephone line and a farmer comes out and shoots one, how many are left?"
Troublesome kid says "none".
She replies "3 minus 1 is 2. Why don't you get that?".
Kid says, "If you shoot one the other two will fly away."
Teacher says, "Ok, not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think."
Kid says, "Hey, can i ask you a question?"
Teacher says "Ok... ".
Kid asks, "If there are three women walking through town eating ice cream cones and one is licking around the base, another is licking across the tip and one has the whole thing in her mouth. Which one is married?"
She says, "I don't know. The one with the whole thing in her mouth?"
The kid says, "No, the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way YOU think!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abp4t4/big_city_teacher_gets_a_job_in_rural_alabama_one/
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My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abp4ei/my_buddy_is_really_upset_at_losing_a_promotion_at/
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Turns out that my dad was fired from his roadwork job for theft.

Then when I came home, the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abp26t/turns_out_that_my_dad_was_fired_from_his_roadwork/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While sipping his whiskey he notices a small, gilded box at the end of the bar and inquires about it to the bartender. "You're not quite drunk enough, my friend."
The man thinks it odd but continues to drink. Two more whiskeys later he asks again. "Barkeep! What's in that box at the end of the bar?" Again, the bartender demures, "Sorry buddy. You're not quite there yet."
Two more whiskeys later he is belligerent in his demand. "Barman! What the hell is in that box?" The bartender, seeing the man is not going to let this go replies, "It's a little guy. He plays the piano."
"I've gotta see it!" the man yells and the bartender acquiesces. He opens the box, pulls out a small piano, a small bench and a man, less than a foot tall dressed in a tuxedo. He straightens his tails, flexes his fingers, sits on the bench and begins to play the piano. The patron is astounded.
"Wherever did you find such an amazing man?" He asks.
The bartender replies, "I found a lamp in the alley out back when I was taking out the trash earlier. I bent down and cleaned it up a little when a genie popped out and said he'd grant me one wish. This is what I got."
"What did you do with the lamp?" asked the slightly inebriated man.
"I left it in the alley. I bet it's still there."
The man is up in a flash, out the back door, into the alley. A few moments pass when suddenly a tremendous storm of live ducks comes raging through the bar. They are knocking bottles off the wall, blowing out the windows, crushing through the doors. The rush continues for almost twenty minutes. Finally, a bedraggled, beaten and dirty man stumbles in from the alley and regards the bartender with a look of amazement and disappointment.
"That genie must be hard of hearing! I asked for a billion bucks!"
To which the bartender replied, "Did you think I asked for a nine-inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abp1s8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abozt4/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
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Wanna hear a joke about paper?

Nevermind it's tearable...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aboz5j/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_paper/
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Why did the deer get mad at his girlfriend when she got back from the casino?

She told him that she blew 30 bucks while she was there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aboxp8/why_did_the_deer_get_mad_at_his_girlfriend_when/
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“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”

“Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abov1v/darling_can_i_go_out_in_this_dress/
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The 60 year old and the 23 year old

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friend was really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 93!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abouv0/the_60_year_old_and_the_23_year_old/
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A man had been drinking all night...

A man had been drinking all night at a bar before puking all over his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So he goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok...then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aborh0/a_man_had_been_drinking_all_night/
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What did the fireman say when the church caught on fire?

Holy smoke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abor7i/what_did_the_fireman_say_when_the_church_caught/
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A potato walks into a bar smoking a joint...

He puts out the joint and sits at the bar and orders a side of bacon. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.
Then he orders a side of green onions. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.
Then he orders a side of cheddar. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.
Last he orders a side of sour cream. Before the bartender gives it to him he asks, "Hey, I realize you are probably gonna dump this on your head too. But can I ask why?"
The Potato says, "Sure, my wife left me. I wanted to forget about everything so I got baked. That only made me soft, so I came in here to get loaded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abojdb/a_potato_walks_into_a_bar_smoking_a_joint/
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Congratulations USA

Zero school shootings so far this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abofhg/congratulations_usa/
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I always have a box of tissues near my computer...

I cum prepared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abofbh/i_always_have_a_box_of_tissues_near_my_computer/
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I locked my keys in my car yesterday.

Even worse, it was outside an abortion clinic.
I had to go in and ask for a coathanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abod9u/i_locked_my_keys_in_my_car_yesterday/
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I had a job interview today that I'm feeling pretty positive about.

The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.
“You’ve found your man,” I responded. “Whenever there was a problem at my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aboazv/i_had_a_job_interview_today_that_im_feeling/
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Hard to tell apart

My friend told me that he was cheating on his girlfriend with her twin.
“How do you tell them apart?” I asked
He said “Sally is Blonde with nice tits and Steve has a beard”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abo8mp/hard_to_tell_apart/
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My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex

My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abo6iy/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_daily_sex/
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Two Italian man get on a bus

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abo3cj/two_italian_man_get_on_a_bus/
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A motorcycle driver...

...dies in an accident. He finds himself in hell, he looks around and spots Hitler. Hitler comes over and asks the young fella "Well what brought you here mein Junge?" The motorcycle driver replies " Well... too far right and too much gas, which left the whole place burning." Hitler answers " Ah yeah, same here..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abnvdm/a_motorcycle_driver/
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Interview sales pitch

I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$200 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abnskv/interview_sales_pitch/
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What do you call a girl that routinely does kegel exercises?

Jacked in the box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abnnqe/what_do_you_call_a_girl_that_routinely_does_kegel/
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I asked my friend what kind of car audio system he preferred and he said it didn't matter because they were all the same...

...apparently he has a problem with stereotypes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abnmgq/i_asked_my_friend_what_kind_of_car_audio_system/
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Yesterday I asked a prostitute to give me a blowjob

She was a very nice person but she also sucked at her job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abnla5/yesterday_i_asked_a_prostitute_to_give_me_a/
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I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abnkt5/i_recently_started_sewing_myself_a_sweater_but_i/
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Wife: "Honey my butt is so cold."

Me: *touchs her butt* "Ooooh like Siberia!"
Wife: "It's that cold?"
Me: "No, it's that big!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abnjiy/wife_honey_my_butt_is_so_cold/
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There are two types of people in this world

Those who can extrapolate information from an incomplete set of data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abnhr2/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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A Reflexion on 2018

I know a lot of people thought 2018 sucked and that 2019 is better, but to me 2018 was full of awesome memories and things i’ll never forget.
So much so I remember it like it was yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abndux/a_reflexion_on_2018/
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Guy during sex: “Oh yeah Laurel take it!

Laurel: WHO THE FUCK IS YANNY?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abndq3/guy_during_sex_oh_yeah_laurel_take_it/
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The easiest abortion I've ever performed was on a stripper.

It was like taking a baby from Candy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abnbyu/the_easiest_abortion_ive_ever_performed_was_on_a/
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The wife is fuming, just because I lost £6,485 from gambling. It's not even like it's her money!

...Anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abnbil/the_wife_is_fuming_just_because_i_lost_6485_from/
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I finally had sex with my teacher today!

This has been something I’ve always had a fetish for, though, everyone I’ve told so far has called me a sicko and weird.
Well gtg study for my test tomorrow, but lucky for me it’s at the end of the day. Being home schooled is very convenient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abnaxj/i_finally_had_sex_with_my_teacher_today/
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What do you call batman when he skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abn8ri/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_skips_church/
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What's the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?

Depth perception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abn7ya/whats_the_difference_between_an_asskisser_and_a/
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What's the difference between dwarves and midgets?

Very little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abn6kf/whats_the_difference_between_dwarves_and_midgets/
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I threw a boomerang and forgot

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abn5vm/i_threw_a_boomerang_and_forgot/
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Did you hear about the urologist who got rich doing scrotal lifts for aging men?

He decided to go for the low hanging fruit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abn5hy/did_you_hear_about_the_urologist_who_got_rich/
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So i added Paul Walker on Xbox Live the other day.

It's a shame he spends most of his time on the dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abn3v8/so_i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox_live_the_other_day/
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My New Years resolution is the same as last year

1080p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abn0d3/my_new_years_resolution_is_the_same_as_last_year/
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I have an amazing ability to find things just before people lose them.

The police, however, insist on calling it theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abn09g/i_have_an_amazing_ability_to_find_things_just/
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The Camping Trip

Three guys went camping in the woods, however during their journey they were kidnapped by the Cannibal king.
"For your survival, you must gather 20 of the same fruit. It doesn't matter what fruit you decide to gather."
So, the guys set off looking for fruit. One guy found 20 apples, and one guy found twenty blueberries.
"Good. Now you must stick these fruits up your ass. If you make a noise, you die."
The man with the apples, struggled, made a grunt, and was eaten by the cannibals.
The man with the blueberries, however, had it easy for him. He was on the 19th blueberry, and he bursted out laughing. He was killed.
In heaven, the guy who had the apples saw him. "Bro you were so close! What happened?", He asked.
"The other guy came walking with pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abmyu3/the_camping_trip/
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Statistically speaking

9/11 Americans won't appreciate this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abmxxh/statistically_speaking/
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I was hoping 2019 would be a year where people stopped getting offended by everything, but boy was I wrong. All I said was "I hope you start off the new year on the right foot"

Damn amputees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abmwx0/i_was_hoping_2019_would_be_a_year_where_people/
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My wife wouldn't let me go out with my mates.

My wife put her foot down and wouldn't let me go out with my friends one Friday night.
We ended up having dinner, watching a shit house rom-com and going to bed by 10pm. I was well asleep, when at midnight there was a heavy knocking at the front door. She sat bolt up and said .'Whichever one of your pissed fucking mates that is, tell 'em to fuck off!'
So I got out of bed, pulled on my boxers and went downstairs. Opening the front door I found myself face to face with a bloke I'd never met before in my life. 'Can I help you?' I asked him gruffly.
'Yeah,' he said ' I really need a push.'
'Its the middle of the night, mate.' I yelled, ' you can fuck right off.' And I slammed the door in his face before climbing the stairs and getting back into bed. After a minute, the wife asked 'who was it?'
'I don't know.' I replied. 'Never seen the fella before in my life.'
'Well what did he want?'
'He wanted a push.'
'Well, did you give him one?'
'Nah. I told him to fuck off.'
'You what?'
'I told him to fuck off.'
'You dirty bastard!' She snapped.'remember that time we were out the coast and we broke down. You had to get that farmer out of bed to tow us to town! Get your ass out of bed and go and give that man a push!'
Sighing I got up and went down the stairs. Opening the front door I looked up and down the street, but he was nowhere in sight.
So I called out. 'Mate! Are you still there?'
From down by the park a voice replied. 'Yeah!'
'Do you still need a push?'
'Yeah mate, that'd be great.'
'Where are ya?'
'Just down here on the swings!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abmup1/my_wife_wouldnt_let_me_go_out_with_my_mates/
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This girl told me her boyfriend treated her like dirt.

Does that mean he plowed you and planted his seed in you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abmsxk/this_girl_told_me_her_boyfriend_treated_her_like/
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What’s similar between a hurricane and a women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH  YOU BITCH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abmqxr/whats_similar_between_a_hurricane_and_a_women/
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A lot of opticians will be going out of business next year

Everyone is going to have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abmpju/a_lot_of_opticians_will_be_going_out_of_business/
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Necrophilia is dead boring

Try incest, it's only relatively boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abmp8q/necrophilia_is_dead_boring/
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I got in touch with my inner self today.

That’s the very last time I’m using single ply toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abmki1/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
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Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abmj6f/is_google_male_or_female/
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I'm starting an anti-feminist cryptocurrency

Who's willing to buy some FitCoin?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abmfcw/im_starting_an_antifeminist_cryptocurrency/
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My resolution this year is to stop trolling

So try not to post anything too stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abmckd/my_resolution_this_year_is_to_stop_trolling/
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You know what they say about German laxatives

They bring out the wurst in you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abmb5e/you_know_what_they_say_about_german_laxatives/
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Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abm6eq/wife_i_have_blisters_on_my_hands_from_using_the/
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So when my Mother-in-law died the police came by to asked what happened.

I said, "She ingested some poison." The police said, "then what are all these bruises for?" "Well, she wouldn't take the poison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abm3uv/so_when_my_motherinlaw_died_the_police_came_by_to/
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People who say you can't buy Friends are wrong.

Last time I checked, it's on DVD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abm3a2/people_who_say_you_cant_buy_friends_are_wrong/
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Why did the ghost go to rehab?

He was addicted to boos!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ablu9d/why_did_the_ghost_go_to_rehab/
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I got really badly sunburnt yesterday so i took some viagra...

...it didnt help the sunburn any but it kept the sheets off me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abltq8/i_got_really_badly_sunburnt_yesterday_so_i_took/
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You brought a pun to a knife fight?

That wasn’t very sharp....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ablonr/you_brought_a_pun_to_a_knife_fight/
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3 Englishmen get stranded in the desert when they come across a camel and decide how to divide it up.

“I’ll have the chest of course” said the man from Manchester.
“I’ll be eating the liver” said the bloke from Liverpool.
“I’m not hungry” said the guy from Arsenal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abln1l/3_englishmen_get_stranded_in_the_desert_when_they/
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My friend claims that Trump is singlehandedly bringing down America, but I disagree.

With hands that small, he probably has to use them both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ablmt9/my_friend_claims_that_trump_is_singlehandedly/
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What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow and a woman?

you get reprimanded, by the department of ethics in genetic research.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ablm9e/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_octopus_with_a/
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Idk what to call it so ima just leave the title like this

A husband and wife are staying with the wife's grandparents for a while. Their son, Bilbo, is going to bed one day. Bilbo says, "Night night Mummy. Night night Daddy. Night night Granny. Goodbye Grandpa."
The parents thought this strange, but anyway, the lives go on.
Until a week later, when Grandpa dies.
This is all very sad, so the family keeps comfort of Granny, so they stay at her house for another month. Then one night, Bilbo says,"Night night Mummy. Night night Daddy. Goodbye, Granny."
And again, they think nothing of it, since Grandpa was very old.
But then a week later, Granny dies.
The family feels horrified and rush back down to their house and console what's happened. The husband and wife are fearing their lives, until one night Bilbo says, "Night night Mummy. Goodbye, Daddy."
And obviously the husband was super freaked out and knew what would happen if he didn't do something within a week, so he came up with an idea: he would work late next week so he knew he was alive, and he would come back very very early the next morning.
And so he executes his plan, and he comes home.
He's alive!
He gets in, and goes into the living room where the wife is, and the wife is furious. The husband apologises for a long day at work and the wife retorts,
"You think you've had a bad day!! I bet it's nothing - the postman dropped dead on the doormat just yesterday morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abliww/idk_what_to_call_it_so_ima_just_leave_the_title/
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A man genuinely thought I was offering him a blowjob when I mimed the act to him.

But it was just tongue in cheek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/able2n/a_man_genuinely_thought_i_was_offering_him_a/
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Psychiatrist

A man went to see a psychiatrist. When he entered the room he was naked but completely wrapped in cellophane. The psychiatrist said to him, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abldw5/psychiatrist/
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President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count
*edit had 4 in post originally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ablcr2/president_trump_said_no_politician_in_history_and/
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Now we can finally say it.

It feels like 2018 was yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abl6kb/now_we_can_finally_say_it/
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What are zebras good for?

Supporting ze German boobies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abkykn/what_are_zebras_good_for/
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I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...

I was Nun the Wiser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abkxo3/i_always_knew_that_some_knights_had_names_that/
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Moisturiser is good for your skin

Let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abkjw6/moisturiser_is_good_for_your_skin/
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A boy asks his dad what the word ”Dilemma” means

A boy asks his father:
“Dad, what does Dilemma mean?”
The father thinks for a while and finally explains:
“Well, imagine you’re laying in a bed, with a hot young woman on your right side and a gay rapist on your left side. Who do you turn your back to?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abki7e/a_boy_asks_his_dad_what_the_word_dilemma_means/
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“You just awoke.” Grandpa asks, “Why so blue?”

I reply, "Well, looks like I drunk texted 3 of my exes last night before I slept.”
“I know how you feel.” He goes, “I did that too before I met your grandmother.”
“You texted?” I ask.
“No,” he says, “I’d drink whiskey all night and get pissed drunk.
Then wake up the next morning, open my letter box, and find 3 missing stamps.”
“I’d say ‘Fuck! I’m so screwed in 7 to 10 business days.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abkfeb/you_just_awoke_grandpa_asks_why_so_blue/
%
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar...

And doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abk70v/schrodingers_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The height of coincidence!

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.”
“Oy vey,” said the father, “What have I done!”
He took his problem to his best friend. “Ike,” he said, “I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?”
“Funny you should ask,” said Ike. “I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi.”
They explained their problem to the Rabbi. “Funny you should ask,” said the rabbi. “I, too sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?”
They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens: “Funny you should ask,” said the voice, “I, too, sent my son to Israel…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abk6um/the_height_of_coincidence/
%
My girlfriend is like √-100

A solid 10, but also completely imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abk6j8/my_girlfriend_is_like_100/
%
We call the offices to register Births, Marriages and Death's in our town....

Hatch em, Match em and Dispatch em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abk1eo/we_call_the_offices_to_register_births_marriages/
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In hard times, a young woman turns to prostitution...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.
One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.
As luck would have it, the girl's grandma was in this  area in town and saw her granddaughter in the queue. She asked "Why are you standing in line here dear, are you not cold?". Trying to think of a good alibi, the granddaughter told her that the policemen were handing out free oranges. Excited by the prospects of free oranges, the old lady said "Why how awfully nice of them, I do need my vitamin C," and went to the back of the line.
A policeman came to the elderly woman, shocked, and asked,  "Wow, how do you keep at it at your age?".
She replied, "Well darling, I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back, and suck them dry".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abjxam/in_hard_times_a_young_woman_turns_to_prostitution/
%
If you run in front of a car...

...you get tired. But if you run behind a car, you get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abjo00/if_you_run_in_front_of_a_car/
%
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abjkuz/i_am_giving_up_drinking_alcohol_for_the_month_of/
%
Met my school bully 10 years after I last saw him. He still takes my money today.

But on the other hand, he certainly knows how to make a decent sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abjglt/met_my_school_bully_10_years_after_i_last_saw_him/
%
A blind rabbit and a blind snake have been friends for years

One day, they decide to feel each other over so they can tell each other what animal they are.
The snake feels across the rabbits body and says "hmm, long ears, fluffy tail, big feet... you must be a bunny."
The rabbit feels the snake and says "cold, slimy, forked tongue, no balls... you're a politician!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abje7h/a_blind_rabbit_and_a_blind_snake_have_been/
%
An army plane is crashing, and three soldiers are on board

To lighten the load, each throws out one item. The first throws out an artillery shell, the second throws out a machine gun, and the third throws out a radio. It's no good however, and the plane continues going down, so the three soldiers are forced to jump out and parachute to safety.
When they land, they start walking along the road back to base. They encounter a house, and a small boy sat outside crying. They ask him why he's crying, to which he explains "I was playing in my garden and a radio hit me on the head." The soldiers chuckle nervously and decide to keep walking.
They come across another house with a boy crying outside. They ask him why *he's* crying, to which he answers "I was playing in my garden and a machine gun hit me in the foot." The soldiers look at each other nervously before marching onward.
Finally, they come across a boy absolutely dying of laughter, rolling around on the floor. They ask him what's so funny and, after several seconds of trying to regain his composure he tells them "I farted and my house blew up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abjd3o/an_army_plane_is_crashing_and_three_soldiers_are/
%
What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?

One bales her hay and the other hails her bae

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abj9cq/whats_the_difference_between_a_female_farmer_and/
%
My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand.
The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone.
He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse.
The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says:
“Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abj5p4/my_grandma_told_me_this_one/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

A chair and a table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abj5jg/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Do you know the original German word for Bra?

Stopemfromfloppen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abj411/do_you_know_the_original_german_word_for_bra/
%
What do you call a female rapper?

38 Cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abj1p3/what_do_you_call_a_female_rapper/
%
He died doing what he loved.

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abiyah/he_died_doing_what_he_loved/
%
Next year my goal is to make my man nut going into the new year

So the years start coming and they don't stop coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abiva6/next_year_my_goal_is_to_make_my_man_nut_going/
%
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abiv14/i_scared_the_postman_today_by_going_to_the_door/
%
I'm wondering why everyone doesn't use the metric system

since that 15/16 of the world's population uses it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abiscj/im_wondering_why_everyone_doesnt_use_the_metric/
%
Not all jokes are mean.

Some are just average.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abirl4/not_all_jokes_are_mean/
%
One day three women went for a job interview.

The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra $100 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have received?
The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.”
When he asked the second one she replied, “I’d give it to Charity.”
When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, “I’d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.”
Which one of the three women got the job? The one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abiqq1/one_day_three_women_went_for_a_job_interview/
%
My friend is dating a female comedian

He’s fucking funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abipts/my_friend_is_dating_a_female_comedian/
%
I have many unemployment jokes but..

None of them would work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abin0s/i_have_many_unemployment_jokes_but/
%
A cheese walks into a bar...

...the Barman says we don’t serve your rind in here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abikg7/a_cheese_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why can’t two doctors be in the same room?

Because it would create a paradox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abijnw/why_cant_two_doctors_be_in_the_same_room/
%
A Roman walks into a bar..

Holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abiftm/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The doctor says to me, "I've got bad news and worse news"

Me: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live.
Me: Then what's the worse news!?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abifky/the_doctor_says_to_me_ive_got_bad_news_and_worse/
%
What does "love" mean?

Zero in tennis and everything in life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abibkk/what_does_love_mean/
%
My dad walked in on me wanking before, He said, "Son, Don't do that, you'll go blind."

I replied, "Dad, I'm over here."
Old but gold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abi8l7/my_dad_walked_in_on_me_wanking_before_he_said_son/
%
I went out for a nice, juicy, rare steak for lunch and my wife said "Enjoying your meat then, Murderer?"

I replied: "Can we not just have one lunch without you mentioning that time I shot your mother?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abi641/i_went_out_for_a_nice_juicy_rare_steak_for_lunch/
%
South Park Originally Took Place in Ireland

Kilkenny to be exact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhy9a/south_park_originally_took_place_in_ireland/
%
My New Years resolution is

to build a Velcro wall and I am sticking to it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhxth/my_new_years_resolution_is/
%
A plane is about to crash.

Inside there are 4 people and 3 parachutes. The first man says "I am Steph Curry. I am the best NBL player in the world. I cant die for all of my fans." and he takes the first parachute. The next man says "I am Donald Trump, and I am the worlds best president, so I cant die for my country." and jumps with the second parachute. The last two are the Pope and a schoolchild. The Pope says "I am old and it would be unholy to take the chute so I will sacrifice myself for you to take it." The schoolboy says "Its ok, the worlds best president just took my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhxeb/a_plane_is_about_to_crash/
%
Duck love

'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhswi/duck_love/
%
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.'
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhsr3/my_wife_and_i_were_leaving_for_our_night_out/
%
Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall!

If he gets to install Windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhshw/bill_gates_has_agreed_to_pay_for_trumps_wall/
%
Maybe I should delete Reddit

because everytime I log in, I feel pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhqtm/maybe_i_should_delete_reddit/
%
Imagine the titanic with a lisp.

Its un-thinkable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhqej/imagine_the_titanic_with_a_lisp/
%
What is the penalty for polygamy?

Two mother-in-laws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhpil/what_is_the_penalty_for_polygamy/
%
What do you call the Pillsbury Doughboys testicles?

Doughnuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhng0/what_do_you_call_the_pillsbury_doughboys_testicles/
%
Support your local mailman

On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash.
At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars.
At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by an attractive woman in her lingerie. She took him up to her bedroom and made fabulous love to him.
When he was satisfied, she brought him downstairs to the kitchen, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, with eggs benedict and bacon and waffles and pancakes and Espresso. While he enjoyed it, she went to her purse, pulled out a dollar bill, and presented it to him.
"All this was lovely," John said, "but what’s the dollar for?"
"Well," the woman said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "fuck him. Give him a dollar."
"Breakfast was my idea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhiv6/support_your_local_mailman/
%
What did the egg say when it got too high? (My own creation as far as I know)

"OMELETTE.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhido/what_did_the_egg_say_when_it_got_too_high_my_own/
%
My grandpa said he was going to take the dog out for a walk. He returned an hour later with nothing but the dog lead.

As tears streamed down his face, he said, "I just... don't know where the little guy went."
"I see your dementia hasn't improved," I sighed. "You left him here on the sofa."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhhji/my_grandpa_said_he_was_going_to_take_the_dog_out/
%
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhgyk/as_a_butcher_is_shooing_a_dog_from_his_shop_he/
%
A guy goes to a fancy nightclub.

He is stopped at the door by the bouncers, who say you cannot come in without a tie.
So he goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen.
"Can I come in now?,' he says to the bouncers.
'Yeah, but don't start anything''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhfpx/a_guy_goes_to_a_fancy_nightclub/
%
What noise do French eggs make when they die?

Oeuf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abhcts/what_noise_do_french_eggs_make_when_they_die/
%
The rabbi and the catholic priest are having a car accident...

...the cars are crashed into scrap metal, nonetheless both of them survived without a scratch. The rabbi looks at the priest and says:
\- My brother, it is indeed a true miracle that we survived this crash. That is God's will! We need to drink to this moment.
He grabs a little flask and hands it over to the priest. He grabs it, drinks, hands it back to the rabbi. He puts it back into his pocket.
\- What about you? Why don't you take a sip?
\- Oh, I certainly will but first, need to wait for the cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abha07/the_rabbi_and_the_catholic_priest_are_having_a/
%
In order to join our club, you must perform the dance

It's called 2 step verification

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abh8i4/in_order_to_join_our_club_you_must_perform_the/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know, and I don't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abh5v5/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
When is a Door not a door?

When it is ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abh58a/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
%
Female body builder:Doc I've taken so much steroids its actually made me grow a penis!

Doctor:Anabolic?
Female body builder:No,just a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abh4mc/female_body_builderdoc_ive_taken_so_much_steroids/
%
I felt so sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 7 guys last night, and then halfway through the show he accidentally dropped the mic on his foot and screamed “Fuck me!”
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abh0oh/i_felt_so_sorry_for_the_hypnotist_i_saw_last_night/
%
Back in the 80's, Brian was walking in Belfast when he was accosted by a masked man, brandishing a gun

The masked man asked "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant"?
Brian replied "Neither, I'm an Atheist"
The masked man was silent for a moment, then finally said:
"Is that a Catholic Atheist or a Protestant Atheist"?﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abgzb1/back_in_the_80s_brian_was_walking_in_belfast_when/
%
Where do you bury people with OCD

A symmetry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abgz7k/where_do_you_bury_people_with_ocd/
%
Sad saxophone solo

The policeman takes back his breathalyzer
\-How did you do that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abgy8y/sad_saxophone_solo/
%
I'm trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is

But everyone keeps saying it's private

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abgr2d/im_trying_to_find_out_what_the_lowest_rank_in_the/
%
What did the yoghurt say to the cheese?

Ah, I see you’re a man of culture as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abgqnh/what_did_the_yoghurt_say_to_the_cheese/
%
My girlfriend borrowed 1000$ from me and returned 1000$ after 3 years when we separated.

I lost interest in our relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abgq0t/my_girlfriend_borrowed_1000_from_me_and_returned/
%
How do you ask for bill at a restaurant in Australia?

Check, mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abgout/how_do_you_ask_for_bill_at_a_restaurant_in/
%
Boy 1: Knock, knock

Boy 2: Who's there?
Boy 1: Too
Boy 2: Too who
Boy 1: To whom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abgnur/boy_1_knock_knock/
%
Silent Grammar

Tsunami : T is silent
Honest : H is silent
Island : S is silent
Queue : ueue is silent
After hearing the joke : Everyone is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abgns9/silent_grammar/
%
The old shoemaker

Chet is going through his recently deceased father's stuff.  He finds a twenty year old shoe repair claim ticket from Ginsberg's shoe  repair.
Knowing that old man Ginsberg had been running his shop for over 30 years, Chet, on a whim decides to sees if he can claim his father's shoes.
Chet shows Ginsberg the ticket and Ginsberg says,
"I always have had the policy to not throw away unclaimed shoes as long as I had the space.   I should be able to find these"
Chet was both amazed and thrilled as Ginsberg searched for the shoes.
Ten minutes later, Ginsberg appeared with just the claim ticket in his hand and asked,
"Brown loafers with a broken heel?"
Chet, slightly puzzled, said, "I guess?"
Ginsberg said, "They'll be ready next Tuesday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abgnnk/the_old_shoemaker/
%
"Hey Bro, do you want this pamphlet?"

"Brochure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abgnd7/hey_bro_do_you_want_this_pamphlet/
%
Two Muslims are sitting together on a plane.

One turns to the other and says "Are you ready?"
The other replies "Yes. I have been waiting for this moment. Let us count down."
"3...2...1..."
"Happy New Year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abgjzu/two_muslims_are_sitting_together_on_a_plane/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abgfp3/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
2019 and 2020 got into a fight...

2021

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abgdiy/2019_and_2020_got_into_a_fight/
%
Dad, can you put my shoes on?

Ok But I don't think they will fit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abg6rc/dad_can_you_put_my_shoes_on/
%
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought “She’s probably dreaming about me.” He said, “You know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. Wonder Woman says “What the hell was that?” And then the Invisible Man says “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abg5hr/superman_had_a_huge_crush_on_wonder_woman/
%
I remember last year..

Like it was yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abg5a6/i_remember_last_year/
%
A newlywed is talking to a friend about her husband.

“I only have one complaint” she says.
“Every morning, right after he wakes up, he rolls over and lets out the wettest, most stomach turning fart. I keep telling him he’s going to fart his guts out and asking him to stop but he just laughs and farts again the next day.”
Her friend, a butchers wife, has an idea.
She gives the new bride some giblets in a bag and tells her “tomorrow, after he farts, put these down in the bed and let him think he really lost his guts!”
The woman takes the bag home and has them ready when, the next morning, her husband begins his morning routine.
She slides them down behind him, hops out of bed, and runs to the bathroom, barely able to contain her laughter. Soon enough, she hears it, and waits impatiently for his yell.
Several minutes go by and she starts thinking he missed them, so she peeks out and sees him sitting on the edge of the bed, pale as a ghost. He looks up at her and says “It finally happened. I shit my guts out.”
He holds up his hand, “but with the grace of God and help from these two fingers, I got ‘em all back in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abg3u7/a_newlywed_is_talking_to_a_friend_about_her/
%
What do you get when you differentiate Amazon with respect to x?

Amazon Prime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abg3bg/what_do_you_get_when_you_differentiate_amazon/
%
So I was talking to my dentist and I said...

“Shuaiawawalinooeso”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abft2r/so_i_was_talking_to_my_dentist_and_i_said/
%
Shout out to America!

There's been no school shootings this year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abfrng/shout_out_to_america/
%
Before the invention of the crowbar..

Crows had to do their drinking at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abfr7a/before_the_invention_of_the_crowbar/
%
I'm watching all my videos in 2019p from now on.

It's my new year's resolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abfpaq/im_watching_all_my_videos_in_2019p_from_now_on/
%
They say “What you do on New Years, you do the rest of the year”

So I’m gonna waste my time posting shitty jokes to Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abfnev/they_say_what_you_do_on_new_years_you_do_the_rest/
%
You spend your whole life thinking your fridge is a fridge...

...and one day you walk in to the kitchen and your fridge is ajar!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abfm2t/you_spend_your_whole_life_thinking_your_fridge_is/
%
What did the nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?

I am going to cashew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abfjcv/what_did_the_nut_say_to_the_other_nut_when_it_was/
%
How many racists does it take ti change a light globe?

None, they prefer to remain unenlightened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abfgon/how_many_racists_does_it_take_ti_change_a_light/
%
After having so much of phone sex with my girlfriend

I got hearing AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abfcw7/after_having_so_much_of_phone_sex_with_my/
%
Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is for a FAT bank account and a THIN body

Please don't mix it up like last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abf5wx/dear_god_my_prayer_for_2019_is_for_a_fat_bank/
%
If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.
We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through
PLEASE WAKE UP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abf5tu/if_youre_reading_this_youve_been_in_a_coma_for_10/
%
Why do feminists always have sex with the lights off?

Because they never like seeing a man having a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abf2jp/why_do_feminists_always_have_sex_with_the_lights/
%
I dated a midget once

I was nuts over her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abf25g/i_dated_a_midget_once/
%
I hate living with my Australian roommate

He’s turning my world upside down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abew44/i_hate_living_with_my_australian_roommate/
%
I'm either pregnant, or I'm getting fat.

Either way, a good set of stairs should solve my problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abeu6u/im_either_pregnant_or_im_getting_fat/
%
What has more brains than a high school student in America?

>!The wall behind them!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abetv0/what_has_more_brains_than_a_high_school_student/
%
Where's a good place to buy PJ's?

Pajamazon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abej7v/wheres_a_good_place_to_buy_pjs/
%
I was shocked when my wife tried to sue me for impotence.

But thankfully, they couldn’t make it stand up in court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abehpe/i_was_shocked_when_my_wife_tried_to_sue_me_for/
%
Where are you when you take your waffle to the beach?

San Diego!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abehn9/where_are_you_when_you_take_your_waffle_to_the/
%
What would Sideshow Bob be if he served drinks?

A Bart-ender!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abebl3/what_would_sideshow_bob_be_if_he_served_drinks/
%
Three guys walk into a bar and try to get Guinness World Records.

Guy 1: So I’ve been thinking: my head is pretty small. So I’m thinking, maybe I could get the Guinness World Record for smallest head.
Guy 2: Actually, now that you mention it, my arm is pretty small. Maybe I could get the Guinness World Record for smallest arm.
Guy 3: Well, I don’t like to admit it, but my dick is tiny. Maybe I should try to get the Guinness World Record for smallest penis.
\*A few days later\*
Guy 1: Guys, I did it! I got the Guinness World Record for smallest head!
Guy 2: Me too! I got the Guinness World Record for smallest arm!
Guy 3: **Who the fuck is (name of friend)!?**
(Replace “name of friend” with the name of one of your friends.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abe541/three_guys_walk_into_a_bar_and_try_to_get/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got an ear transplant from a clown?

He had a happy new ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abe4ah/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_an_ear/
%
I couldn't join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn't pure enough

Turns out, my parents weren't even related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abe2wx/i_couldnt_join_the_kkk_apparently_my_bloodline/
%
A little boy rides his red wagon down the hill in front of the preachers house.

There was a little boy around 8 or 9 that had a little red wagon. One day he mustered up the courage to ride it down the hill in front of his house past the preachers house. Well, he got in the wagon and started down the hill and halfway down a wheel falls off and he goes off the road in front of the preachers house and yells "DAMN." The preacher sees and hears him and yells "Don't use that kind of language, say 'Lord help me!'"
Well, the little boy takes his wagon back up the hill and puts the wheel back on and decides to go again. The boy gets back in his wagon and takes off back down the hill. Once he gets to the preachers house again the front two wheels pop off the wagon and he goes off the road again and yells "DAMN." The preacher sees and hears him again and yells "I done told you once, don't use that kind of language, say 'Lord help me!'"
Again, the little boy decides to take his wagon back up the hill, fix it, and give it another shot down the hill. He gets in and starts going down the hill. This time when he gets in front of the preachers house all four wheels pop off of his wagon and he flies off the road. This time the boy looks up at the preacher and then looks at the wagon and exclaims "LORD HELP ME" and all four of the wheels jumped back up on wagon and the boy gets in and rides the rest of the way down the hill. The preacher in disbelief yells "DAMN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abe1un/a_little_boy_rides_his_red_wagon_down_the_hill_in/
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What Does A Dog Do That A Man Steps Into?

Pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abdz6o/what_does_a_dog_do_that_a_man_steps_into/
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On The Money

Me : Siri, where is the best place to hide a body?
Siri : The second page of a Google search.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abdx4y/on_the_money/
%
The New Year's celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.

They really dropped the ball this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abdww0/the_new_years_celebration_at_times_square_was/
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Job interview

The post office put a sign in the window saying “Wanted:  Mail Sorter”.  A guy sees the sign and comes in to apply first thing in the morning.
The postmaster said “this is a pretty tough job and I need to see how fast and accurate you are.  Come over here to this big pile of mail.  Take each letter and sort it into the right slot.  I’ll be back at lunch time.”
About an hour later, the postmaster looks up to see that the applicant was standing in front of him. “All done!”
The postmaster said “That’s impossible!  That was a gigantic pile of mail and it should have taken at least 3 hours!”  But he went to the table and saw that the mail was all sorted nicely into the slots.
The postmaster got excited.  He said “ok, if you can sort this other pile of mail before lunch, the job is yours.”
Another hour passed and the applicant came back, saying “all done!”
The postmaster said “wow!  You are amazing. I can’t imagine anyone doing a better job than you did.  The job is yours.”
The applicant said “Thanks for the compliment. And just imagine how much better I’ll be when I learn how to read!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abdv0i/job_interview/
%
A job applicant was asked, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?”

“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not.”
“Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what about your strengths?”
“I’m Batman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abdt13/a_job_applicant_was_asked_what_would_you_consider/
%
Bear and a Rabbit

A Bear and a Rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Hey Rabbit, do you ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No, I don't think so" Says the Rabbit.
So, the Bear wiped his ass with the Rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abdoxh/bear_and_a_rabbit/
%
Can your D*** touch your A****le?

A father and son go fishing.
They push off their boat and settle in when Dad pulls out a beer, cracks it, and takes a long hard gulp.
"Can I try some?" Asks the son.
"Well, I'm not sure," Dad retorts with a giggle, "Can your Dick touch your asshole?"
The son looks puzzled for a second and says "No, I don't think so"
"Well, you're not old enough then." The dad says, before he pulls out a joint and starts blazing it.
The son asks, "Well, can I try some of that?"
Dad says "Well, I'm not sure, can your dick touch your asshole?"
The son says "No, no I don't think so."
"Well, you're still not old enough!" laughs Dad.
The son brushed off his humility and pulled a bag of cookies from his pocket, slipping one out and crunching it slowly and quietly. Dad's stomach grumbles as he looks at his son, and asks, "Say, you got some cookies there? How bout sliding one my way buddy?"
The son smiled. "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?"
Dad Laughed, "Well of course it can son, how d'ya think it made you?"
The son smiled back, cookies in his teeth, and replied: **"Then go fuck yourself."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abdol7/can_your_d_touch_your_ale/
%
Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abdmbr/does_anyone_know_if_its_possible_to_take_a_skin/
%
Apparently most babies are born in September

I suppose that's one way to start the new year off with a bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abdlhq/apparently_most_babies_are_born_in_september/
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Traumatized son

A young boy, an only child no more than ten years old, wakes up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.
As he is walking to the restroom, he opens his parents' bedroom door and sees them copulating quite vigorously.  The boy screams in horror.  The mom throws the dad off and attempts to hide under the covers. The dad, caught unaware, just starts laughing uncontrollably.  The boy runs back to his room.
That same week, the dad is walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night when he hears a strange noise from Grandma's room.  He opens the bedroom door to see his son plowing the grandmother quite vigorously.
The father yells in horror, "Son, what on Earth are you doing with your Grandma!?!"
The boy jumps off his Grandmother and replies, "I guess it's not so funny when it's YOUR mother, huh?"
I liberated this joke from Gilbert Godfrey.  He told it on Bumping Mics (Dave Attell and Jeff Ross), a Netflix Special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abdkjg/traumatized_son/
%
Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and Carbon?

Because you are Au.Ti.S.Ti.C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abdh0n/are_you_made_of_gold_titanium_sulfur_and_carbon/
%
Friend told me an oldie: What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

One sells watches and the other watches cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abdb9o/friend_told_me_an_oldie_whats_the_difference/
%
Blind guy walks into a bar. He sits down, orders a beer and after a while asks the bartender if she wants to hear a blonde joke.

The barkeep replies, "Before you say anything else, you should probably know that I'm a blonde. So is the woman sitting next to you. There are also a couple of blondes playing pool behind you, one of them is twice your size. So, you still wanna tell the joke?" The blind guy pauses for a second, then shakes his head and replies, "Goodness, no. I don't want to have to explain it four times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abd8mu/blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar_he_sits_down_orders_a/
%
A man was pulled over for speeding.

A man was late for an important function and was speeding a good 25 mph over the speed limit when a state trooper pulled him over.
Officer: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?
Man: I guess so officer, I knew I couldn’t outrun the law forever. The gun is in my glove compartment, a kilo of cocaine is under my driver seat, and the dead body of the dealer I murdered in the trunk.
The officer was taken aback. He pulled the man out of the car, cuffed him and threw him in the back of his squad car. He called for backup. Soon the drug dog, several more patrol men, and a homicide detective out to the scene. After a thorough search of the car the detective came over and talked to the man.
Detective: So, the patrolman said you had a dead body in the trunk, only there is no body.
Man: What!
He also said you had a kilo of cocaine, and we can’t find a speck.
Excuse me?!
Yeah, and he said you had a loaded gun in the glove compartment, we searched your whole car, nothing.
This is outrageous, next you’ll be telling me that this son of a bitch accused me of speeding!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abd5r7/a_man_was_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
A man walks into a New York bar

He sits down at the end of the bar and orders three stouts. The bartender raises an eyebrow but says nothing. He serves the beers. After the second round of the same order the bartender breaks his silence.
“Wouldn’t you enjoy them more if you ordered them one after another?”
The man chuckles and replies, “Probably, but I have one brother who lives in Sydney and another in Dublin. We rarely see each other so last time we were together we vowed to drink like this in honor of each other.”
The bartender smiles and nods. Soon the guy becomes a regular.
After a year or so the guy comes in and orders two beers. The bartender brings him the stouts and says, “I’d just like to offer my condolences.”
The man starts laughing and says, “Oh! My brother didn’t die. I quit drinking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abd4i9/a_man_walks_into_a_new_york_bar/
%
Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!
One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:
“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”
At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sitting behind her, pokes her in the butt with a thumb tack!
Rosy wakes up in a frazzle, “GOD ALMIGHTY!”
The teacher says “yes, correct.”
Rosy, still confused after being rudely awoken, is asked another question: “What was the name of Gods son?”
Adam, giggling wildly to himself, pokes Rosy in the butt again!
Rosy screeches out “JESUS CHRIST!”
The teacher says “yes, correct.”
Finally, the teacher asks what she believes to be an impossible question: “What did Eve say to Adam after having their 43rd child?”
Adam, triumphantly, drives the thumbtack into Rosy’s backside yet again to then hear Rosy yell out
“Oh for fucks sake Adam, if you stick that thing in me one more time I’ll snap it in two!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abd3h3/rosy_and_sunday_school/
%
Joe and John

There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old
dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John, said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort
of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle."
The old woman fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abcz8w/joe_and_john/
%
What do you call a prostitute who takes cookies as payment?

An Oreho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abcy7c/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_who_takes_cookies/
%
Schrodinger's cat walked into a bar..

.. and didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abcwt5/schrodingers_cat_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Old Man

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there? Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abcuyk/old_man/
%
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street on a Friday afternoon

When the brunette sees her boyfriend buying a dozen roses. She turns to the blonde and says, “Oh shit! That’s my boyfriend.”
The blonde says, “So?”
The brunette says, “So every time he buys me flowers he expects me to lie on my back with my legs in the air all weekend.”
The blonde thinks about it and says, “Couldn’t you just buy a vase?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abcssg/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_walking_down_the/
%
Thank you, student loans for helping me get through college

I don't think I could ever repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abcsj1/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/
%
Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued... "May I ask what the chicken did?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abcrat/bad_parrot/
%
I watched a great fireworks show tonight

Through the phone of the asshole in front of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abcoww/i_watched_a_great_fireworks_show_tonight/
%
Everyone be careful on the roads tonight

There will be a lot of drinking so men will have their wives drive for them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abclle/everyone_be_careful_on_the_roads_tonight/
%
A blue man lives in a blue house, A red man lives in a red house, and a black man lives in a black house. Who lives in the white house?

An orange man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abchel/a_blue_man_lives_in_a_blue_house_a_red_man_lives/
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Pun researchers

Psychologists interested in humor wanted to know more about how people respond to puns, specifically what kinds of puns make people laugh. The compiled a list of ten representative puns, and showed them to a group of 100 people to see which of the puns would make those people laugh, and discovered that no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abcebq/pun_researchers/
%
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday...

Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abccn7/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_yesterday/
%
Is this sub still active?

There hasn't been any new posts all year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abcc3k/is_this_sub_still_active/
%
The average person has sex 89 times a year

Fuck, this is gonna be one hell of a weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abc8b3/the_average_person_has_sex_89_times_a_year/
%
A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time

He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger,
“Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abc870/a_scottish_man_visits_canada_for_the_first_time/
%
What's the opposite of Irony?

Wrinkly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abc53t/whats_the_opposite_of_irony/
%
My ex and I used to always argue about the same thing.

She’d say, “I’m NOT your girlfriend.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abbzfo/my_ex_and_i_used_to_always_argue_about_the_same/
%
My drug dealer is so funny

He always cracks me up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abbw6k/my_drug_dealer_is_so_funny/
%
My resolution for the next year? The same as the previous years...

1920 x 1080

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abbuqc/my_resolution_for_the_next_year_the_same_as_the/
%
Dark humor is like food...

...Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abbu2v/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
Bad: Waking up with a penis drawn on your face

Worse: finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abbrdx/bad_waking_up_with_a_penis_drawn_on_your_face/
%
Ron, an elderly man in Florida, has owned a farm for several years.

Ron had a large pond in the back. It was perfectly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and to look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
Ron frowned, “I didn’t come out here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding up the bucket Ron said, “I’m here to feed the alligator!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abbqrc/ron_an_elderly_man_in_florida_has_owned_a_farm/
%
I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abbp68/i_saw_a_guy_this_morning_injecting_himself_with/
%
I tried whistling in reverse today

I kind of sucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abbmbu/i_tried_whistling_in_reverse_today/
%
My wife says she's too fat to be on the catwalk.

"You're a roll model," I told her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abblrm/my_wife_says_shes_too_fat_to_be_on_the_catwalk/
%
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about female orgasm.

The librarian points towards shelf G and says, "That's the spot where you'll find it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abbeji/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book/
%
I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.

I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked!
"Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character" I said.
"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed you asshole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abb9v0/i_asked_my_wife_to_dress_up_as_my_favorite_star/
%
The doctor said my teenager had stopped growing

I said, is this some kind of stunt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abb9u4/the_doctor_said_my_teenager_had_stopped_growing/
%
A man is driving through a small town and sees a sign in front of an old house...

"Talking Dog for Sale!"
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Darn right i do!" the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for almost ten years.
I was on top of the world. Women wanted me. Men wanted to be me. I got tail everywhere i went and have pups all over"
The dog continued...
" but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Five dollars," the guy says.
"Five dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abb9el/a_man_is_driving_through_a_small_town_and_sees_a/
%
I measure my penis in Planck lengths...

And I still can't get wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abb8pu/i_measure_my_penis_in_planck_lengths/
%
Priest and his instrument.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor ?
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
"With your face, Father, no one will question you"
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abb5th/priest_and_his_instrument/
%
Cartoonist found dead at home

Details to his Death are very sketchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abb5mm/cartoonist_found_dead_at_home/
%
I asked my mom "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.
That probably explains why her marriage failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abb5lu/i_asked_my_mom_how_much_is_a_couple/
%
My wife said she would leave me if I kept pointing at inanimate objects...

I said “there’s the door”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abb4x5/my_wife_said_she_would_leave_me_if_i_kept/
%
The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous fart.

The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says "My goodness, I do apologise"
"That's OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abb39g/the_queen_was_riding_in_an_open_carriage_with_the/
%
New discovery.

Scientists have recently discovered a new potato variety resembling a human penis.
They are calling it dictator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abax4o/new_discovery/
%
Old one but still my favorite bartender joke.

A pirate ship captain walks into bar. He shanties up to the counter and slaps has grizzled hand on the bar.
“Yar matey, give me a drink!” he says to the bartender.
The bartender looks over at him, but before he says anything he notices a full-size nautical steering wheel attached to the front of the pirate’s pants, roughly where his belt buckle would normally be.
“I’ll get you a drink, but you’ve gotta explain that steering wheel to me first,” says the bartender.
The the pirate grabs hold of the wheel and says, “yar there, I know it matey. She’s drivin’ me nuts!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abatbl/old_one_but_still_my_favorite_bartender_joke/
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I got my friend an elephant

This year I bought my friend an elephant for their room. He said “thanks” i said “don’t mention it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abas5m/i_got_my_friend_an_elephant/
%
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

It depends how hard you can throw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abarz6/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_wall/
%
What's the difference between a school and Al Qaeda?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abanx5/whats_the_difference_between_a_school_and_al_qaeda/
%
I had a guy tell me Happy New Year but he said "see you in 2020."

Either he had the year wrong, or he made a comment on his fantastic vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abande/i_had_a_guy_tell_me_happy_new_year_but_he_said/
%
Some pig!

I'm new here so I apologize if someone else has shared this one before, but here goes.
A couple have their pastor over for dinner on Sunday. He christened their baby a few months before, so they wanted to thank him with a nice dinner.
As they're finishing up, a pig with three legs walks passed the table, and disappears into the next room.
The pastor, curious, asks why the pig is allowed in the house.
The man says "Because that's the smartest damn pig you'll ever see. Last year when the tornado came through, that pig lifted the latches on the barn and let all the cows and horses free. Saved em all."
"Impressive!" says the pastor.
"And that's not all" says the wife. "last month our house was struck by lightning. It started a fire, but the pig woke us up, then ran and carried the baby to safety."
"Smartest damn pig you ever saw" says the man.
"Quite so!" says the pastor. "And it lost its leg in the fire? Few animals would make such a sacrifice."
"Naw" says the man "a pig like that you don't eat all at once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abamgn/some_pig/
%
My mom: “Is it snowing outside?”

Me: “Yeah it is.”
Mom: “I’ve always wanted 10 inches!”
My dad was literally standing less than 2 feet away washing the dishes. RIP my dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abame6/my_mom_is_it_snowing_outside/
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Is this sub still active?

There hasn't been a post for a year.
Happy new year from Australia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abaiw4/is_this_sub_still_active/
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What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abai7m/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_islam_with_capitalism/
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What are Elizabeth Warren’s odds of winning the 2020 election?

About 1 in 1024.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abaf5q/what_are_elizabeth_warrens_odds_of_winning_the/
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My friend and I can't agree on what his job title at the rabbit farm actually is, he calls himself a processor while I say he is a butcher...

... Either way, he is just splitting hares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ababvz/my_friend_and_i_cant_agree_on_what_his_job_title/
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Tonight at 11:59 lift your left leg

So you can enter the new year on the right foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/abab0w/tonight_at_1159_lift_your_left_leg/
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Heard this from a coworker

Mr. Red, Mr. Green, Mr. Yellow, Mr. Orange, and Mr. Blue all live on the same street.
Each morning, Mr. Red wakes up in his red room, in his red house, pulls the red covers off of his bed, puts on his red robe, opens his red door, goes down his red stairs to his red kitchen and gets his red bowl, red spoon, sits down at his red   table and pours himself a bowl of Life cereal.
Each morning, Mr. Green wakes up in his green room, in his green house, pulls the green covers off of his bed, puts on his green robe, opens his green door, goes down his green stairs to his green kitchen and gets his green bowl, green spoon, sits down at his green table and pours himself a bowl of Life cereal.
Each morning, Mr. Yellow wakes up in his yellow room, in his yellow house, pulls the yellow covers off of his bed, puts on his yellow robe, opens his yellow door, goes down his yellow stairs to his yellow kitchen and gets his yellow bowl, yellow spoon, sits down at his yellow table and pours himself a bowl of Life cereal.
Each morning, Mr. Orange wakes up in his orange room, in his orange house, pulls the orange covers off of his bed, puts on his orange robe, opens his orange door, goes down his orange stairs to his orange kitchen and gets his orange bowl, orange spoon, sits down at his orange table and pours himself a bowl of Life cereal.
Each morning, Mr. Blue wakes up in his blue room, in his blue house, pulls the blue covers off of his bed, puts on his blue robe, opens his blue door, goes down his blue stairs to his blue kitchen and gets his blue bowl, blue spoon, sits down at his blue table and pours himself a bowl of Frosted Flakes cereal.
Which just goes to show; four out of five people prefer Life cereal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aba9gz/heard_this_from_a_coworker/
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Two cowboys were riding through a canyon.

From far off they heard the sound of drumming. One of them said, "I don't like the sound of those drums." And a voice from far away called out "He's not our regular drummer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aba9b2/two_cowboys_were_riding_through_a_canyon/
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Going to be going to the bathroom at 11:59pm...

A minute later... same shit, different year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aba8cv/going_to_be_going_to_the_bathroom_at_1159pm/
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A man has been stuck on a desert island for 10 years

when he notices an unusual speck in the distance.
“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf, is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet suit.
She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes.
“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man.
“It’s been 10 years,” he replies.
With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes.
The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.
“Man, that is good!” he says.
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks.
Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years.
Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask.
The man opens it and takes a swig.
“This is the best day of my life,” he says.
The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and looks at the man seductively.
“How long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she cheekily asks.
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs.
“Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a Playstation in there!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aba1bj/a_man_has_been_stuck_on_a_desert_island_for_10/
%
I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aba1b6/im_so_stressed_that_im_going_to_try_that_chinese/
%
A new Navy recruit has just been assigned to his first submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab9yzg/a_new_navy_recruit_has_just_been_assigned_to_his/
%
How do you tell if a duck has a soul?

Put it in an oven. Set it to 200 degrees. Wait and see if it’s bill withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab9wrl/how_do_you_tell_if_a_duck_has_a_soul/
%
My friend, who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, hasn't been around in a while...

I heard he's finally settled down with that one nightstand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab9wk8/my_friend_who_likes_to_have_sex_with_inanimate/
%
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?

It’s a long one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab9vkp/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_the_giraffes_neck/
%
During the Cold War, there was an East German couple who were outside one evening when it was lightly precipitating...

They got into an argument, the man claiming it was raining, and the woman claiming it was snowing.
During the heat of the argument, they spotted a well known local official walking past.
The wife exclaimed, "We will ask Brother Rudolph for the official word from the Party!"
So the couple flagged down Comrade Rudolph and posed him the question, whether it was raining or snowing.
Rudolph stated, "Rain," and walked on home.
The wife became outraged and again began to argue that it was still indeed snowing.
Her husband sighed and said, "Now, now.  Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab9sk6/during_the_cold_war_there_was_an_east_german/
%
How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat ?

She fits into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab9qxh/how_can_you_tell_if_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
%
i phone

Son: I want an iPhone X for Christmas
Dad: What's the magic word?
Son: Karen
Dad: Who's Karen.
Son: The woman that comes over when I'm asleep and mum is out...
Dad: ...
Son: ...
Dad: You want a case with that too?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab9os0/i_phone/
%
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.

No one is willing to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab9nyv/ive_been_searching_for_my_ex_wifes_killer_for_the/
%
Having 12 pet birds sound a bit silly...

Dozen tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab9nky/having_12_pet_birds_sound_a_bit_silly/
%
You guys think "See you next year" is bad?

Imagine how kids in 1999 felt when their dad told them "See you next Millennium"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab9ncl/you_guys_think_see_you_next_year_is_bad/
%
They say that when you encounter a lion, you shouldn't move a muscle.

So when I encountered one, I stood still for 6 hours.
Then a bloke approached me and said, "The zoo is about to be closed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab9k10/they_say_that_when_you_encounter_a_lion_you/
%
In 2018 I've had a horrible relationship with autocorrect.

But hey...
New Year, New Mexico

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab9h14/in_2018_ive_had_a_horrible_relationship_with/
%
My wife left a note on the fridge.

My wife left a sticky note on the fridge: “This is not working, I’m going to my mom's house.” I opened the fridge door, the light came on, and the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab9fzt/my_wife_left_a_note_on_the_fridge/
%
A man was sentanced to death

His execution would be by the noose at the gallows.
With the executioner readying him, about to cuff him when the priest asked the man with the rope around his neck if he had any last requests.
The man said "yes." *He raised his hand into the air just in time to prolong his cuffing by the executionar.*
He asked "can I get a high five?"
They left him hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab9ccu/a_man_was_sentanced_to_death/
%
You know one of the best things about necrophilia?

You don't have to settle for just any girl with a pulse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab99vc/you_know_one_of_the_best_things_about_necrophilia/
%
I want to become millionaire like my uncle

He also want to become millionaire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab97ye/i_want_to_become_millionaire_like_my_uncle/
%
I'm going to go buy some condoms for New Years

That way when I end the year in a bang, it doesn't have to be in my socks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab96h5/im_going_to_go_buy_some_condoms_for_new_years/
%
What did a hot young girl with cleavage do?

Made you look!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab93sh/what_did_a_hot_young_girl_with_cleavage_do/
%
What did the Equator say to the Artic Circle?

"I don't like your lattitude."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab8ygh/what_did_the_equator_say_to_the_artic_circle/
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[NSFW] Sad life.

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, his owner beats him habitually and he pukes all over himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab8uoe/nsfw_sad_life/
%
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab8tbd/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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If alcoholics get whiskey dick, what do heroin users get?

Poppycock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab8sge/if_alcoholics_get_whiskey_dick_what_do_heroin/
%
I get all of my condoms at Costco because when you go through them like I do...

... you need to get them at a place with a good return policy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab8sdy/i_get_all_of_my_condoms_at_costco_because_when/
%
Dad joke... Indian drummer

Cowboys are sitting around a campfire when they hear dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum, one cowboys says to the others, I don't like the sound of that drum... A indian brave hollars from the woods.. we don't either but our regular drummer is out sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab8p4t/dad_joke_indian_drummer/
%
If you start having sex at 11:58 tonight, you might start off the new year with a blast

if you make it that long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab8l0s/if_you_start_having_sex_at_1158_tonight_you_might/
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Two muffins are sitting in an oven

The first one says, "sheesh it's hot in here."
The second one goes, "oh my god, a talking muffin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab8hb4/two_muffins_are_sitting_in_an_oven/
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The police pull over a car that two Catholic priests are riding in

Police: We're looking for two child molesters.
Priests \[looking at each other\]: We'll do it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab8deo/the_police_pull_over_a_car_that_two_catholic/
%
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab8ct8/did_you_hear_about_the_semicolon_that_broke_the/
%
This year I'm keeping my new year's resolution simple

Everything in 1080p.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab8c1u/this_year_im_keeping_my_new_years_resolution/
%
Why do married men die first?

BECAUSE THEY WANT TO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab8bf3/why_do_married_men_die_first/
%
A Physical at the Doctor

A man is at the Dr. getting a physical and she tells him to take off his pants to examine him.
Dr: OMG, what is wrong with your knees!?
Patient: Kneasles.
Dr: Don't you mean measles?
Patient: No it's kneasles, disease of the knees.
Dr: ummm ok, well take off your socks so I can examine your feet.
Dr: OMG, what is wrong with your toes!?
Patient: Geez, it's Tolio ok?
Dr: Don't you mean Polio?
Patient: No it's Tolio, disease of the toes.
Dr: ummm ok, well take off your underwear so I can ensure you do not have a hernia.
Dr: Let me guess... Smallcocks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab89eo/a_physical_at_the_doctor/
%
Dave was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry.

She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds.
The next morning Dave got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Dave has been missing since Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab85gz/dave_was_in_trouble_he_forgot_his_wedding/
%
What's the difference between Miami and Atlantis?

About 20 years or so, at the current pace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab85fu/whats_the_difference_between_miami_and_atlantis/
%
Why men have better friends

Friendship between women: A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab84ay/why_men_have_better_friends/
%
A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The Bartender says,
"Hey, you can't have a crocodile in my bar, get him out"!
The man says,
"No, he is tame, I can prove it."
The man lifts the crocodile up as the bartender says,
"I don't care, get him out of here"!
The man sets the crocodile up onto the bar and unzips his pants saying,
"Just watch."
He then proceeds to put his dick in the crocodile's open mouth and nothing happens, the crocodile doesn't move.
After maybe 2 or 3 minutes, the man says,
"See, I told you, he is harmless and tame. Now, does anyone else want to try it? I promise it's safe."
At this point everyone in the bar is watching silently until one man at the end of the bar raises his hand and says,
"Man, I'd love to try it, but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open for that long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab8268/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_crocodile/
%
A man attends the funeral of an old friend

He sees the grieving widow and asks if he could say a  word. The widow allows it, and  the man stands up and yells “PLETHORA!”
The widow looks up at him and with a smile says “thank you, that means a lot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab81zu/a_man_attends_the_funeral_of_an_old_friend/
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A blonde buys a new convertible ...

*(I'm translating this from a foreign language so please bear with me, hopefully it's unique on* r/Jokes*)*
...then she takes it for a spin on the interstate. Then comes a near miss with a truck. The lorry driver catches up to her, overtakes her and proceeds to force her to stop her car on the side of the road. He gets off his truck and goes :
"Are you mad ?! I almost crashed my truck because of you!! Get off your f-ing car."
Whilst the blonde gets off her car, he grabs a baseball bat in his truck and a piece of chalk. He then draws a circle next to his truck, walks straight up to the blonde then goes :
"There, go and stand in that circle and don't you try to get out of it. I promise I'll bash your goddamn skull."
The blonde obeys and stands in the circle. The trucker slowly walks to the convertible and proceeds to destroy its back bumper and lights when the blonde starts giggling. He turns around, looks at her and goes :
"Ow, okay, that's funny right ? What about that then ?"
He then proceeds to destroy the hood, the windshield and the front lights. The blonde is now openly laughing. He turns around, looks at her and goes :
"Ow, okay, you wanna F with me girl ? Let's dance then."
He then takes a knife out of his pocket and stabs each seat, breaks every remaining windows, hits every door with all his might. The blonde is laughing harder than ever.
"You F-ing ho, what THE F ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT ?!! "
The blonde wipes a few tears of joy off her face goes :
"Every time you turned around I stepped out of the circle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab80zq/a_blonde_buys_a_new_convertible/
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Football is the perfect American sport.

It teaches us how to steal land by force and punt our problems to other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7zkd/football_is_the_perfect_american_sport/
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I hate when people ask me where I see myself in 2 years.

It’s not like I have 2020 vision. This is the only day you can up vote this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7zj4/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_where_i_see_myself_in_2/
%
There are 500 bricks being transported by plane...

One brick falls out. How many are left?
499
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?
Open the door, insert the elephant, close the door.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge?
Open the door, remove the elephant, insert the giraffe, close the door.
The lion is having a birthday party. All animals attend but one. Which animal and why?
The giraffe because he's stuck in the fridge.
A man wants to cross a river, the alligator's territory. There's no boat and no bridge. He swims across safely. How?
The alligator is at the lion's party.
The man dies anyway. How?
He got hit on the head by a brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7xp1/there_are_500_bricks_being_transported_by_plane/
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My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;

Which is going to be extremely hard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7wau/my_new_year_resolution_is_to_give_up_sexual/
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How do you teach someone to drive in only 5 minutes?

By offering a crash-course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7uvv/how_do_you_teach_someone_to_drive_in_only_5/
%
"Mom just said the gardeners have green thumbs.

But I just saw them and they were normal!", a kid asks his father.
"Well that's just a figure of speech son, it's like saying that someone who was caught stealing was caught 'red handed' even though in reality his hands are just black!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7qo0/mom_just_said_the_gardeners_have_green_thumbs/
%
Have you heard of the book “Living in Polygamy”?

By Sharon Peters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7nwa/have_you_heard_of_the_book_living_in_polygamy/
%
A farmer goes to the local farmer's market to try and sell his bull. A stranger comes up to him to inquire about the animal.

Stranger: Is your bull good at breeding?
Farmer: Of course he's good. Shit, he's even too good! He tries to mount every single cow, horses, donkeys, sheeps, etc. There's not an animal on that farm he hasn't tried to fuck yet.
Stranger: Then why are you selling him?
Farmer: Because for the last few days he's been looking at my wife kind of funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7ni7/a_farmer_goes_to_the_local_farmers_market_to_try/
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One of the nurses came over when she saw me crying in the waiting room.

"What's wrong?" she asked.
"I don't believe it," I wept, "I reversed my car into my mother-in-law."
"Sir, I can assure you that she'll be perfectly fine," the nurse replied.
I said, "Exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7mr8/one_of_the_nurses_came_over_when_she_saw_me/
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A high school senior is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table. Once again, there are a bunch of people waiting to get some punch.
Feeling tired of having to wait any longer, he decides to push his way to the front. However, in trying to do so, he accidentially pushes one of his classmates over, which creates a domino effect. Soon, half of the students who were waiting to get a drink are now on the floor. One of them shouts: "What the fuck are you doing? You screwed up the punchline!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7miv/a_high_school_senior_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
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Why shouldn’t you buy anything with velcro on it?

It's a total rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7l3h/why_shouldnt_you_buy_anything_with_velcro_on_it/
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Man goes fishing in the ocean on a sunny day...

Roughly 30 minutes pass when suddenly he sees an obscure man coming out of the ocean, looking completely exhausted. He immediately rushes to the water to carry the man out of the ocean and lays him down on the sand.
Man: "Who are you? How did you come out of the ocean like that?"
Obscure man: "You have no idea what I've been through, I'm a Genie who was trapped in the ocean for nearly 100 years, you found and rescued me. For that, I owe you my life and I will grant you 1 wish, anything you desire will be yours..."
Man: "Oh my god, I can't believe it, I can have **ANYTHING?**"
Genie: Yes, anything, but there's one condition..."
Man: "Name it."
Genie: "I've been trapped in the ocean for so long, I've forgotten the what it feels like to have sex and my desires are too great. If you let me bang you, you'll be granted the wish"
The man suddenly falters and says "Oh man... I don't know..."
Genie: "Think about it, you can have anything you want, if you only make this small sacrifice..."
After 5 about minutes of contemplating on it, the man eventually agrees and takes his clothes off.
About 10 minutes into the act, the Genie casually asks the man: "So, how old are you?"
Man: "Turning 35 next week actually, this wish will be the perfect Birthday present!"
Genie: "No shit... 35 years old and you still believe in Genies?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7kx8/man_goes_fishing_in_the_ocean_on_a_sunny_day/
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First rule of Alzheimer's club:

Do not talk about chess club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7kik/first_rule_of_alzheimers_club/
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At the University, I used to make videos of urine at different resolutions.

I even got a pee HD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7iuq/at_the_university_i_used_to_make_videos_of_urine/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7hvr/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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A pickle, a penis, and a cucumber.

A Pickle, a Penis, and a Cucumber were all hanging out moping one stormy night.
The Cucumber says, "Guys, my life just fucking sucks!" The others look at him and say, "What do you mean Cucumber?" He replies, "When I grow up big and fat, someone is going to chop me into slices, throw me on a salad and I'm going to get chew to peaces and eaten!"
The Pickle thinks for a moment and responds, "Well you think that's bad, my life is just as awful. When I grow up, I'm going to get drowned in vinegar for days before I too get sliced up, thrown on some fat guys hamburger and I will be eaten too!
The Penis scoffs and says, "You guys think you have it bad, almost every time I get big I get wrapped up in a rubber suit, shoved into a dark room and get my head banged against the wall until I throw up and pass out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7gpe/a_pickle_a_penis_and_a_cucumber/
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I'll start watching all my videos at 4k(2160p) from tomorrow.

Its my new year's resolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7gd9/ill_start_watching_all_my_videos_at_4k2160p_from/
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A middle aged lady had a fall and went into a coma.

While in coma, she had a near death experience in which she spoke to God.
"You've been very kind and generous" said God. "I'll give send you back and give you many more years on earth." Poof! She was sent back and fully recovered.
She decided to get a facelift, a nose job, boob job, and a tummy tuck since she had a lot more time left and she wanted to enjoy her second wind.
Fully recovered from her procedures, she is crossing the road to go shopping for clothes when she gets hit by a car and dies instantly.
Upon seeing God she asks, "I thought you said I had many more years left on earth".
God said, "Oh no, I'm sorry I didn't recognise you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab79ma/a_middle_aged_lady_had_a_fall_and_went_into_a_coma/
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Son: Mom, do you keep any secrets from me?

Mom: Every parent does sweetie, but it's for your own good.
Son: And what'd you do if I found them out?
Mom: Then i'd take you back to the orphanage I got you from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab789x/son_mom_do_you_keep_any_secrets_from_me/
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An office worker reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a dildo. Sighing, he says:

"Some cunt's got my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab7606/an_office_worker_reaches_into_his_shirt_pocket/
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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was...

She said "Fuck you".
So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab73o9/today_at_the_gym_i_asked_a_girl_what_her_new/
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A man and his dog walk in to the bar

The man tells the bartender he’s celebrating getting his dog back from his ex because his dog can talk.
“Oh, yea? If that dog can talk all your drinks are on the house,” the bartender says.
“Deal. Hey boy, whats sandpaper feel like?”
The dog barks, ruff! ruff!
“Hey boy, what word rhymes with tough?”
Ruff! Ruff!
“Hey boy, how was it with my ex?”
Ruff! Ruff!
“Ahhh bullshit!” The bartender says.
The dog looks at him and says, “Oh yea? You try living with her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab72us/a_man_and_his_dog_walk_in_to_the_bar/
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What do you call a nun employed by your company?

Nun of your business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab72e5/what_do_you_call_a_nun_employed_by_your_company/
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Someone once complimented me for my really poor vocabulary.

I was at a loss for words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab71mz/someone_once_complimented_me_for_my_really_poor/
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I haven't spoken to my wife in five years

I don't want to interrupt her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab6zfm/i_havent_spoken_to_my_wife_in_five_years/
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What’s the difference between In-laws and Outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab6xtb/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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Three friends are sitting in a tree...

Crazy, Nothing and Nobody are sitting in a tree. Suddenly Nobody falls from the tree. "Fast, call an ambulance" says Nothing. Crazy quickly calls 911 and says "Hello, I am Crazy, I call for Nothing because Nobody has fallen from a tree!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab6sly/three_friends_are_sitting_in_a_tree/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.
The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.
The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.
The Irishman reaches into his stout, plucks our the fly, and begins screaming, “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT, YA THIEVIN’ BASTARD!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab6sl4/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_and_irishman_all/
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An old and retired man walk passed a woman who shouted “Help! My son has swallowed a dime!”

The man leapt into action. He grabbed the boy by the ankles, turned him upside down, and shook him for a solid 5 minutes.
And... pling! There landed the dime on the pavement.
Gratefully, the woman said, “Oh, thank you so much, sir!”. Then she paused a while and asked  “Did you use to work as a doctor?”
“No,” said the man, as he picked up the dime, “I used to work for the IRS”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab6q8m/an_old_and_retired_man_walk_passed_a_woman_who/
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Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two
For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab6o2v/why_condoms_come_in_packs_of_3_6_and_12/
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Bartender: “Hey! We don’t serve time travellers here!”

A time traveller walks into a bar.
Time traveller: "What?? Since when?"
Bartender: "About 3 years ago!!!"
Time traveller: "Ok, I'll come back then!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab6ek3/bartender_hey_we_dont_serve_time_travellers_here/
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Three prisoners

escape from a chain gang and run off towards a farm. They can hear the guards and the dogs behind them. They stop at the fence and agree to split up to increase the odds of escaping.
One prisoner runs towards the barn, one hides in the hen house, and the third guy heads towards the fields thinking he'll hide behind the corn. But when he gets there there's no corn. Not having anywhere else to run he jumps into a ditch.
The guards run into the barn and shout, "Who's in here?!" The prisoner moans, "Moooooo!" The guards take another look but leave.
They head for the hen house. "Hey! Who's in here?!" they yell.  The second prisoner clucks, "Bwaaak bok bok bwaaak!" The guards shake their head and leave.
They head out for the field and look around. "Hey!! Anyone out there?!" they yell.
From a ditch twenty paces out they hear a confident, "Poootaaatooo!"
Heard this one 20 years ago and it still makes me laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab6bs8/three_prisoners/
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A blond girl goes into a library

and asks "I'd like a Big Mac, a tall Coke and a medium french fries"
The librarian a tad taken aback goes "Lady, you do know that you're at the library, right?"
The blond girl goes "Shoot, I'm sorry" then she whispers
" I'd like a Big Mac, a tall Coke and a medium french fries"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab69rl/a_blond_girl_goes_into_a_library/
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An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.  The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.  The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I wanna get my hands on the fuckwad that pushed me in that water!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab68no/an_old_joke_i_heard_from_a_friend_of_mine/
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A black dude and a white dude are peeing from a bridge over a river

White dude goes :_"That wind is a tad chilly"
Black dude goes: _"Yeah that water too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab66uy/a_black_dude_and_a_white_dude_are_peeing_from_a/
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An Italian, American and Frenchman get captured

First they interrogate the Frenchman, he reveals everything in 20 minutes
Next the American goes, and lasts up to an hour until he spills the beans.
Finally the Italian goes, and after a whole day of torture, still says nothing.
Back in the cell, the American and Frenchman ask the Italian, how in the hell did you manage to keep your mouth shut under that amount of torture?
He replies, They tied my hands! I couldn't say a thing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab65tm/an_italian_american_and_frenchman_get_captured/
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The shortest Joke

An Irish Man walks out of a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab63yb/the_shortest_joke/
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Girls look at me like I'm a steak

And they're vegan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab634u/girls_look_at_me_like_im_a_steak/
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What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab62zx/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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The year is 2019 and r/jokes is going strong...

A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "21"
The second most upvoted joke says "911"
The third most upvoted joke says "756"
He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"
The mods creampie "You must be new here. r/jokes has been around for so long, we've seen every joke, so we just refer to them by numbers now"
The new user wants to get a few upvotes so writes "504,323"
When he checks his account the next day his joke is the top post on reddit and the most upvoted r/jokes thread of the last 10 years. He messages the mods team "What happened?"
The mods replies "Nobody had heard that one before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab62v0/the_year_is_2019_and_rjokes_is_going_strong/
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I call my wife Bambi...

She thinks it's because of her big brown eyes.
Nope.
It is because I'd like her mother shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab60ks/i_call_my_wife_bambi/
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Practice!!!

A farmer sees an advertisement for a virile rooster and immediately buys it. Upon returning home it puts him into the hen pen and goes for his noon siesta.
Upon returning he finds that the roster has fucked every single one of the 50 hens. The farmer is shocked but satisfied that he'll have a rich haul.
The next day he wakes up to find the hens fucked twice over.
An hour later he sees that the parrots and ducks have been fucked too.
The farmer is now truly concerned with the horny proclivities of his rooster. Anyway he retires for a tea break.
Once back, he finds the rooster lying half-dead and vultures circling him. He goes to the rooster and says ,'Serves you right, you horny bastard'.
.
.
The Rooster opens an eye, looks at the farmer and whispers, 'Sshh! I'm waiting for them to land'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab60a7/practice/
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HAPPY NEW YEAR! My resolutions are:

1) Stop writing lists.
B) Be more consistent.
7) Learn to count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab600i/happy_new_year_my_resolutions_are/
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World’s Smartest Native American

I and some buddies of mine were on vacation one year.  We were driving on a long, dusty, barren road when we see a sign on the side of the road that says “World’s Smartest Native American”.  So being all smug, we decide to go and check it out.
We get inside his dwelling and because we were so cocky and smart, we start by saying “How!” to him, and he responds “How!” back to us.
To challenge him, I ask “Okay, what did you have for breakfast on March 3rd, 1968?”
Without even hesitating, he responds “eggs”.  We weren’t sure whether to believe him, so we say goodbye and head on our way.
20 years later, my buddies and I take the same vacation and again pass the “World’s Smartest Native American” sign, so just for kicks we stop to see if he’s still there.  And he was!
So we walk in, and once again being all smug, we walk in saying “How!”, and he instantly responds “Scrambled”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5zf4/worlds_smartest_native_american/
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My gay friend has been bragging about how much sex he has been getting with his new boyfriend this Christmas

Cocky asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5yy5/my_gay_friend_has_been_bragging_about_how_much/
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Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near...

...His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The fucker had a window cleaning round."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5ymh/paddy_was_on_his_deathbed_and_knew_the_end_was/
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A gorilla walks into a bar.

Everybody freaks the hell out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5yf4/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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Panic struck, I couldn’t understand why my dog was motionless...

Then I realized...it was on paws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5xae/panic_struck_i_couldnt_understand_why_my_dog_was/
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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

You marry it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5wat/how_do_you_turn_a_fox_into_an_elephant/
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What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?

The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
(Disclaimer: I'm a violist. Fellow bratsche players, please don't take offense.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5vxc/whats_the_difference_between_a_viola_and_a_coffin/
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If anybody gets a message from me about tinned meat don't open it.

It's spam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5um7/if_anybody_gets_a_message_from_me_about_tinned/
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My ex says I set a bad example to our kids.

How's that true? They never even see me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5tdm/my_ex_says_i_set_a_bad_example_to_our_kids/
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How many sopranos does it take to fix a light bulb?

One. She holds the light bulb, then the world revolves around her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5ta4/how_many_sopranos_does_it_take_to_fix_a_light_bulb/
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A native American shaman had an apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."
The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"
The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."
The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and the next day the shaman left on his long trip.
But the apprentice turned out to be a terrible shaman. Within a week, the chief could not take it anymore, and left to search for the old shaman. He found him and begged, "Please come back to tribe."
The shaman asked, "Why should I come back?"
The chief tried bribery. "If you come back, I feed you belly full."
The shaman agreed, so they both went back, and the chief gave the shaman a big meal.
When the apprentice saw his mentor had returned, he asked, "Why back so soon?"
The old shaman explained, "Full me once, shaman you. Full me twice, shaman me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5rb2/a_native_american_shaman_had_an_apprentice/
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A violist's 3 wishes...

Joe is a violist in the Kansas Radio Symphony. One day, as Joe is walking home from work, viola in hand, he stumbles across a peculiar looking lamp. Being utterly dissatisfied with his life, Joe rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.
"Waddya want?" the genie asks in a Jersey accent. Joe thinks for a moment, then replies, "Genie, I want to be the best violist in the Kansas Radio Symphony!" The genie snaps his fingers. "Then it is done."
The next day, Joe goes to work and he's the principal violist of the Kansas Radio Symphony. But Joe isn't satisfied. After a long day of playing, Joe goes back to the Genie and says, "Genie, for my second wish, I want to be the best violist in the country!" The genie snaps his fingers. "If that's what you want, man, then it is done."
The following morning, Joe heads to work and he's the principal violist of the New York Philharmonic! *What an honor,* Joe thinks. But it still isn't enough. After rehearsal, Joe returns to the genie a third time and makes his final wish: "Genie, I wish to be the best violist in the entire world!" The genie snaps his fingers. "Then it is done."
The next day, Joe is back at the Kansas Radio Symphony... as last chair second violin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5oht/a_violists_3_wishes/
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What Makes A Man Attractive On A Scientific Level?

It's in his jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5mh9/what_makes_a_man_attractive_on_a_scientific_level/
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After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.
“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”
That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.
“What are you doing?”
“Counting your ribs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5jz7/after_adam_stayed_out_late_a_few_nights_eve/
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A man goes for his annual checkup.

Afterwords he’s sitting the the doctor’s office and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, “I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer’s.” The man replies, “well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5jg1/a_man_goes_for_his_annual_checkup/
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What do you call a German bra

Dasshouldstopemfromfloppen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5hgv/what_do_you_call_a_german_bra/
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I was invited to a threesome by a bisexual couple, I said no...

...I don't want to cum between a man and his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5hfu/i_was_invited_to_a_threesome_by_a_bisexual_couple/
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I hooked up with a girl....

I hooked up with a girl. She said she wanted me to give her 8 inches and make her bleed!
So I fucked her twice and punched her in the nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5ffg/i_hooked_up_with_a_girl/
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I have three dogs named Oak, Palm and Maple

Don't be scared to approach them. They're **all bark but no bite**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5egd/i_have_three_dogs_named_oak_palm_and_maple/
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A man stands on a street corner, looking for the right customer to sell to.

The man sees another man who seems important. Fancy, gray suit from a world-renown tailor, a watch witch appears to be 24k gold and looks like the guys in the suit commercials.
The man on the corner takes his chance. "Excuse me, sir in the gray!" He starts, getting the man's attention. "Would you like to buy a lamp?"
The rich man begins to walk away, but the man on the corner stands in his path with an ancient lamp in his hands.
"This is no ordinary lamp, sir! This... is a genie!"
The rich man laughs, walks away again, and the man on the corner follows. "I saved my last wish just for this!" He rubs the lamp, and a genie emerges from the lamp.
"Your wish, master." The genie says. (Conveniently, no one else is in this busy street.)
"A cup of black coffee with sugar."
"How much?" The rich man says instantly.
"500,000,000 and he's yours."
The rich man writes a check, and rubs the lamp.
"Your wish, mas-"
"I want to be the richest man alive, I want all my competitors to drop dead, and I want the most beautiful woman in the world as my wife."
The genie has a shocked look on his face. "Sorry, master." The genie begins. I only grant coffee wishes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab59be/a_man_stands_on_a_street_corner_looking_for_the/
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They just released the title for the Marley & Me sequel

Me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab56ed/they_just_released_the_title_for_the_marley_me/
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Why did the female rock break up with the male rock?

Because he took her for granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab55ir/why_did_the_female_rock_break_up_with_the_male/
%
What do you call a handicapped Spanish demon?

El Disablo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab51gm/what_do_you_call_a_handicapped_spanish_demon/
%
My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday..

I don’t think they know what It means when I say I wanna watch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab5040/my_lesbian_neighbors_got_me_a_rolex_for_my/
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What’s the difference between a Jew and a bullet?

A bullet leaves the chamber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab4qw3/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_bullet/
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Today my motherly instincts kicked in and I tried to breastfeed a distressed child off the street.

Looking around I couldn't see anyone who would look like the child's parent, but shortly after, another distressed child appeared. I was about to lift my shirt further up to make room for two, but the second child kept her distance and yelled, "Let my husband go, you sick old man!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab4qcv/today_my_motherly_instincts_kicked_in_and_i_tried/
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So there was this farmer, his son...

So there was this farmer, his son, and the only animal on their farm that survived the winter was a duck. One day the farmer is sitting down paying off last month’s bills when he realized that they were broke. He told his son to go into town and sell the duck for as much money that he could get. So the boy started off to town. He came up to a prostitute that was uglier than an ass. The hooker looked straight at the boy and said, "The fucking begins at $10, you got $10?" The boy had no money, so he started to walk away, but the hooker stopped him and said that she would accept that duck in his hands instead of $10. The boy gleefully accepted, so they went off and had sex. An hour later, as the boy was leaving, the hooker pleaded that he fuck her again because it was the best fucking of her life. She offered him the duck back, and they went at it again. Another hour passes, and the boy heads home, duck in hand. On the way, the duck gets spooked and flies from the boy’s hands and flew directly into the path of an oncoming car, obliterating the duck. The man driving gets out and appologizes for the boy’s duck. The man hands the boy 25 dollars for his trouble and goes on his way.
Later, the boy goes home and hands his father 25 dollars. The father notices that his son looks exhausted and asks him, "What happened?" The boy’s reply was this: "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 bucks for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab4f1r/so_there_was_this_farmer_his_son/
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A man walks into a restaurant with an alligator on a leash.

He asks the waiter, "Do you serve children here?"
"Of course."
"Then I'll have pasta and my alligator will have some children."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab4cor/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_with_an_alligator/
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What did Kermit say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab4bof/what_did_kermit_say_at_jim_hensons_funeral/
%
My wife and I decided we don't want children.

So if anyone does, send your contact details and we can send them over tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab4be8/my_wife_and_i_decided_we_dont_want_children/
%
So they've started planting trees actively nowadays.

Well that's a releaf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab49ci/so_theyve_started_planting_trees_actively_nowadays/
%
What did the log say to the christmas tree?

**Yule** end up like me if you don't stay away from lumberjacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab456b/what_did_the_log_say_to_the_christmas_tree/
%
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".
So I'm pretty excited for 2019...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab40t8/today_at_the_gym_i_asked_a_girl_what_her_new/
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Bob was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab405t/bob_was_in_trouble/
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At the beginning of the year I set a New Years resolution to lose 10 pounds...

Does losing £10,000 count?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab4025/at_the_beginning_of_the_year_i_set_a_new_years/
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[NSFW] I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3zuf/nsfw_i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number_she/
%
Remember sharin' is carin'

But don't tell anybody because she's in witness protection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3xat/remember_sharin_is_carin/
%
Two Women Were Playing Golf...

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain."
"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”?
The man looked up at her and replied, "That feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3vuz/two_women_were_playing_golf/
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I considered having a threesome, but I decided against it.

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I’d just have dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3vsf/i_considered_having_a_threesome_but_i_decided/
%
I’ve only met a few people with birthdays on leap year day.

They were all mature for their age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3vhf/ive_only_met_a_few_people_with_birthdays_on_leap/
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We used to say my Grandad was like Spiderman, not because he was a web-slinging superhero...

But because he struggled to get out of the bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3v6l/we_used_to_say_my_grandad_was_like_spiderman_not/
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I just walked in on my boss jerking off to my selfies.

That's the last picture of Spider-Man I ever sell to the Daily Bugle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3uyz/i_just_walked_in_on_my_boss_jerking_off_to_my/
%
I hate when people ask how I see myself in 2 years

My eyesight is shit, I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3s6z/i_hate_when_people_ask_how_i_see_myself_in_2_years/
%
How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just enough so that they can say they're better than millennials.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3ri0/how_many_baby_boomers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What's long and hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber, but I like the way you think

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3qsg/whats_long_and_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
What do trains and expired milk have in common?

Chugga chugga chugga chugga CHEW CHEW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3qdm/what_do_trains_and_expired_milk_have_in_common/
%
What is Alabama’s version of Tinder?

23andMe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3psc/what_is_alabamas_version_of_tinder/
%
What do you call a test tube with a college degree?

a graduated cylinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3oi9/what_do_you_call_a_test_tube_with_a_college_degree/
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Australian Joke. Lady Customer: "We're off to Perth via Broome"

Me: "Surely you could just catch a plane instead."
Husband next to her loosing his shit laughing
True story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3mvo/australian_joke_lady_customer_were_off_to_perth/
%
I'm hopeless remembering names.

It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it…......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3jqq/im_hopeless_remembering_names/
%
Whats the difference between love and herpes?

Herpes is for life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3ebo/whats_the_difference_between_love_and_herpes/
%
Your momma is so ugly...

...your dad drugged his own drinks to have sex with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3dtl/your_momma_is_so_ugly/
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A Catholic priest hears that a bus full of orphans is found. What does he say?

Let us prey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3dl4/a_catholic_priest_hears_that_a_bus_full_of/
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An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.
The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”
The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front door.
5 minutes later, the Irish Man stumbles in again, this time through the side door. “Barkeep! ‘Ow are ye dis foine evenin’? Oi’ll have a point, if ye will”, he says to the bartender with a smile.
“None of that charm will do you any good, sir. Off you go now. Come back when you’re more sober.”
“Bah! Foine, foine”, the Irish Man replies, turning around and knocking over a stool before stumbling out the side door.
Another five minutes pass, and the Irish Man once again saunters in, this time through the back door.
“Barkeep! Oi’ll have a drink, and make er a double!”
Having lost his patience, the bartender finally yells “Sir! I will not be serving you any alcohol, and if I see you again tonight, I’ll never serve you another drink!”
The Irish man wobbles slightly before squinting his eyes in confusion. “Alright, Alright, Oi’ll be on me way. But before Oi go, Oi’ve one question for ya”, he says, leaning in,
“How many fookin’ bars do ye work at anyway?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3cyq/an_irish_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I hate when people ask how I see myself in 2 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab3644/i_hate_when_people_ask_how_i_see_myself_in_2_years/
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It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach...

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.  A human hair can hold 3kg.  The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb.  The femur is as hard as concrete.  A woman's heart beats faster than man's.  Women blink 2x as much as men.  We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.  A woman has read this entire text.  A man is still looking at his thumb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab31ec/it_takes_7_seconds_for_food_to_pass_from_mouth_to/
%
Having frequent sex keeps your memory alive.

So, on that note, I wish you all a happy 2016!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab30p0/having_frequent_sex_keeps_your_memory_alive/
%
Do you know what the difference between a micro penis and an enlarged clit is?

It’s nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab2y6n/do_you_know_what_the_difference_between_a_micro/
%
how does harry potter get to hogwarts?

he walks
Jk, rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab2ulp/how_does_harry_potter_get_to_hogwarts/
%
My german girlfriend always rates our sex from 1-10

She must really love anal because she kept yelling 9! 9! 9!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab2qvf/my_german_girlfriend_always_rates_our_sex_from_110/
%
Haven't seen this one on reddit yet

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in separate planes flying over there respective countries.
The Englishman looks out the window and tosses out a crate of tea and states "I give the gift of tea to my people".
The Frenchman looks out his window and tosses a case of crosses out and states "I give the gift of God to my people".
The American, after hearing what the others had done, searches through his plane and only finds a crate of grenades so he throws them out and state "I give the gift of fireworks to my people."
All three land in their own countries.
The Englishman finds a group of people fighting over the crate of tea and asks why they're fighting.  They respond that there is not enough to go around.
The Frenchman finds a group of nuns crying and asks what's wrong and they respond that they were praying and God threw crosses at them.
The American lands and finds a guy laughing his ass off while the smolderijg remains of his house lay behind him.  The American asks what's so funny and the guy responds I farted and my house blew up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab2nhw/havent_seen_this_one_on_reddit_yet/
%
A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.
One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.
"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.
The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.
"I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.
The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.
"I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.
The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.
"Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky.
Poof! A female leprechaun appears.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies.
The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.
The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?"
The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold.
The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?"
She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion."
The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?"
She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland."
The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?"
"What do you mean?" says the leprechaun.
"The cow didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab2krp/a_poor_irish_family/
%
The Teacher asks the class....

Little Johnny was in class and the Teacher asked the class, "When you die, What part of your soul goes to heaven first?".  Little Suzie raised her hand and said: "Your hands, because you put your hands together when you pray to God". Little Daniel raised his hand and said: "Your head, because when you stand up your head is closest to heaven".  Little Johnny had his hand raised the whole time, but the teacher called upon another 10 students until only Little Johnny had his hand up still.  Reluctantly, the teacher called upon little Johnny. "Your feet!" Johnny proudly exclaimed. "Your feet! Why your feet?" the teacher asked...
"Well, the other day, Daddy was on top of Mommy trying to push her down to earth with his whole body, while Mommy had her feet way up in the air and yelled "Oh God, I'm coming!"﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab2k3l/the_teacher_asks_the_class/
%
You know what the longest sentence in English language is ?

“I do”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab2ieq/you_know_what_the_longest_sentence_in_english/
%
Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab2duz/scientists_have_identified_a_food_that_completely/
%
You're so inbred that you're basically a sandwich.

That's all, that was the joke. Sorry. Heard it from a cousin, probably not original.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab2azl/youre_so_inbred_that_youre_basically_a_sandwich/
%
I said to my mom “I feel like you’re trying to gaslight me right now.”

She said “of course not sweetie, it’s all in your head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab2axe/i_said_to_my_mom_i_feel_like_youre_trying_to/
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Father Flanagan is taking confessions...

Murphy, the IRA terrorist comes in.  He sits down, crosses himself, and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned.  It's been three weeks since my last confession."
Flanagan replies: "Ah Murphy, me boy.  What have you done this time?"
"Well Father, I blew up a thousand miles of British Rail trackage!"
Flanagan shakes his head, and says: "Murphy, Murphy, Murphy..  Whenever will you learn?   Go do the stations!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab2a10/father_flanagan_is_taking_confessions/
%
What do you call arranging two pigs shoulder to shoulder?

Parallel porking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab28a3/what_do_you_call_arranging_two_pigs_shoulder_to/
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Scientists got bored after watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...

They called it a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab27k0/scientists_got_bored_after_watching_the_earth/
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A Polish patriot finds a magic lamp...

As he begins to wipe it off, a genie appears.  The genie thanks him for setting him free, and grants him three wishes.
The patriot thinks carefully, and then says: "I want the Mongol hoards to sack Warsaw, and then march home!"
The genie doesn't understand, but a promise is a promise, and in due course, the Mongols arrive in Warsaw, wreak havoc, and then return to the central Asian steppes.
For his second wish, the patriot asks for the very same thing.  The genie wonders why, but complies.  The Mongols wreak even more destruction on the patriot's beloved capitol.
The patriot then tells the genie: "I want the Mongol hoards to...", and the genie can't hold his tongue anymore.  "Tell me, sir: why do you hate your country so much that you want the Mongols to lay Warsaw to waste three times?"
The patriot answers "I don't hate my country.  I love Poland, and I love the Polish people!"
"Then why", the Genie asks, "did you want to Mongols to sack Warsaw?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the Pollack says: "Because, to sack Warsaw three times, they have to cross Russia *six* times!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab26rw/a_polish_patriot_finds_a_magic_lamp/
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If a person speaks 3 languages, they're trilingual. If they speak 2 languages, they're bilingual. What if they speak 1 language?

They're american.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab2430/if_a_person_speaks_3_languages_theyre_trilingual/
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The Insatiable Chinese man

A Chinese man called a prostitute service and asked for their most talented and energetic girl.
The girl finally got to his home and they started having sex.
Once he was done, he jumped off the bed, ran to the window, took a deep breath, went under the bed, came out the other side and started having sex with the girl again.
After he had finished the 2nd time, he again jumped off the bed, ran to the window, went under the bed, came out the other side and started again..
He did this 8 more times!
The girl was impressed by his stamina. After they finished the 10th time, she decided to try it herself.
So, she jumped off the bed, ran to the window, took a deep breath, went under the bed and saw 13 other Chinese men...!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab22z2/the_insatiable_chinese_man/
%
What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab21vo/whats_worse_than_raining_cats_and_dogs/
%
I'm not a competitive person.

I'm always the first to admit it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab21rs/im_not_a_competitive_person/
%
I used to know loads of jokes about Cash Machines...

I just can't think of any ATM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab21pb/i_used_to_know_loads_of_jokes_about_cash_machines/
%
A man is in a bar drinking

He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He tells the barkeep in his drunken stupor, "I'm in trouble now man, if my wife finds out i got so drunk that i puked on my shirt, she'll kill me!" The barkeep says, "don't worry man, here's what you do, you take a $10 dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket, and you go home to your wife and tell her some other guy got drunk and HE puked on your shirt and he said hes sorry and here's $10 dollars to have it cleaned."  The man is in awe of this idea and sticks some cash in his pocket and leaves the bar. When he gets home, his wife is stunned that there is vomit all over his shirt. The man says "yeah I was in the bar and a guy puked on my shirt and he gave me this $10 dollars here to get my shirt dry cleaned" and the wife looks and says "well he gave you $20 dollars!" The man says "oh i forgot to tell ya, he also shit in my pants".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab20ok/a_man_is_in_a_bar_drinking/
%
A college professor began teaching a lecture on sex.

The professor started the lecture saying the average number of times people have sex is about 2-3 times a week.
So he asked the class, “How many of you have sex 2-3 times a week.”
A majority of the class raised their hands.
The professor then asked, “Is there anyone who has sex only once a week?”
A few students raised their hands.
Next, the professor asked, “Is there anyone who only has sex once a month?”
A reluctant couple of students barely raised their hands.
“Now, is there anyone who has sex only once a year?”
A student from the back shot up and yelled, “Me! Me! Me!”
The professor was confused and said, “Son, why are you so proud of that fact?”
The student responded, “Because today is the day!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1xrh/a_college_professor_began_teaching_a_lecture_on/
%
When I was 6, I had a magical rock that could write on cars...

My dad didn't like my magical rock...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1t7g/when_i_was_6_i_had_a_magical_rock_that_could/
%
Once upon a time, there was a happy family with 3 kids: Snowflake, Sandgrain, and Brick

One day, Snowflake went up to his mother and asked:
“Mommy! Why is my name Snowflake?”
“Well you see, when you were born, a little snowflake landed on your head. So we decided to name you after it.” She replied.
A couple days later, Sandgrain went up to his mother and asked:
“Mom, why is my name Sandgrain?”
“Well you see, when you were born, a little Sandgrain landed on your head. So we decided to name you after it.” She replied.
And then came brick:
“HE HE BbOBA bOBbA MoMmA?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1t3z/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_happy_family_with_3/
%
Harry Potter struggles telling his cooking pot and Best Friend apart...

They're both Cauldron!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1s9n/harry_potter_struggles_telling_his_cooking_pot/
%
I'm a bit of an amateur mind-reader

I know what you're thinking...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1r6y/im_a_bit_of_an_amateur_mindreader/
%
I used to be trapped in a woman's body...

...and then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1r5y/i_used_to_be_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
%
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was Motherfucking Gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1pzr/i_just_read_a_joke_about_oedipus_and_midas/
%
Can’t remember the last time I had a Staind song stuck in my head

It’s been awhile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1nxv/cant_remember_the_last_time_i_had_a_staind_song/
%
My wife says I'm not thorough enough...

Which brings me to my next point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1msu/my_wife_says_im_not_thorough_enough/
%
I have been banned from attending the local nudist beach.

Apparently I was inappropriately dressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1kss/i_have_been_banned_from_attending_the_local/
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Timmy and his noodle

One day my son, Timmy, came home from school asking,
"What's the dangly thing between my legs called?"
I responded, "That's called a penis also referred to as a dick, peepee, or noodle."
The next day Timmy was taking a test at school and was stuck on a question on a test. He called his teacher over to help him with a question and she replied,
"Oh you know the answer to this. Just use your noodle."
And that is how I ended up in the principals office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1hyi/timmy_and_his_noodle/
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Man wants his penis size reduced

A man with a 50 inch penis went to a doctor, and asked: "Doctor, is there anything you can do about...this...thing?"
The docor gave him a brochure for plastic surgery, but the man quickly put it away and said: "Sorry, but isn't there another way? I'm really afraid of surgeries."
"Well, there's *one* alternative.", he said and pulled him to the window.
"Go over the seven bridges, across the seven rivers. There you will see a circle of seven oak trees with a spring and a frog in the middle. If you get him to say "No", he will grant you one wish.", the doctor explained.
The man thanked him and ran as fast as he could, over the seven bridges, across the seven rivers. He saw the seven oak trees and as he approached them, he thought about his wish.
"I want it 10 inches smaller", he kept thinking to himself, "But how do i get the frog to say "No"? I know how!"
He approached the frog, sitting inside the spring and said: "Wanna fuck?"
The frog looks at him disgusted and says: **"No!"**
The man went behind a tree and, pulled a measuring tape out and checked. It's now indeed 10 inches smaller.
"Okay, one more time", he thought. He approached the frog again and asked again: "Hey, frog. Wanna fuck?"
**"No!** What is wrong with you?**"**
The man went behind the tree again and measured - another 10 inches smaller.
"Okay, one last time...Hey frog. Wanna fuck?"
The frog shouts: **"NO, NO**, goddamit **NO!"**
Remembered this one, while browsing the frontpage. Hope you had a laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1frr/man_wants_his_penis_size_reduced/
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What’s the difference between a dirty bus station and a crab with breast implants?

One is Crusty Bus Station and the other is a Busty Crustacean...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1ebk/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_station/
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What does a VPN and a closet have in common?

They are both good at hiding cheaters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1bx3/what_does_a_vpn_and_a_closet_have_in_common/
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My neighbor came at me really aggressively

, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1bd1/my_neighbor_came_at_me_really_aggressively/
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They say that a woman’s work is never done.

That’s probably why they get paid less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1b4h/they_say_that_a_womans_work_is_never_done/
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What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?

A virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab168e/what_do_you_call_a_13_year_old_girl_from_kentucky/
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If you get a message from me about tinned meat, don’t open it...

It’s spam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab1211/if_you_get_a_message_from_me_about_tinned_meat/
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You’ll never be good at cooking...

If you don’t put the thyme in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0xqq/youll_never_be_good_at_cooking/
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Atheists, if God doesn't exist.

Then how my wife is pregnant even if we had no sex yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0v9z/atheists_if_god_doesnt_exist/
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Obituary

Schwartz dies and his widow calls the New York Times and asks the price of an obituary. She is  told it’s $10 per word. Okay, she said, have it read, “Schwartz dead” The clerk then tells her there is a $50 minimum, for which you get 5 words. Okay, she said, have it say, “Schwartz dead, Cadillac for sale.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0ruv/obituary/
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Learning how to pick locks was the best career decision of my life...

It opened so many new doors for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0rup/learning_how_to_pick_locks_was_the_best_career/
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Why are there two d's in Reddit?

Because the second one is a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0rlp/why_are_there_two_ds_in_reddit/
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Tits are like pizza...

...It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0ql1/tits_are_like_pizza/
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Some say you look better when you're younger

But I have to disagree with the Catholic Church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0q2i/some_say_you_look_better_when_youre_younger/
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Two mathematicians and blonde waitress.

Two mathematicians were in a restaurant. One of them was a hard-core misogynist and claimed that women were never any good at maths, especially the blonde ones. His friend claimed that there was no difference and that women were just as capable as men. When the misogynist went for a cigarette, the other guy called over the blonde waitress.
“My friend and I are having an argument. When he gets back I’ll call you over and ask you a question. The answer you need to give is ‘a third X cubed’. Can you do that?”
“Thurdeks coobed?”
“a third X cubed.”
“a Third Ekscubed. Sure I can do that.”
The other chap comes back to the table and his friend says.
“I’ll prove to you that women are as good as men at maths. See the blond waitress; I’ll ask her a question and we’ll see if she knows any maths.”
So he calls the waitress over and asks, “What is the integral of X squared?”
As quick as a shot, she comes out with “A third X cubed.”
The misogynist is stunned. The waitress smiles and walks away.
Then she stops and calls back, “plus a constant.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0ogg/two_mathematicians_and_blonde_waitress/
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Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

Because she grew out of her “B” shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0n62/why_did_the_mermaid_wear_seashells/
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What’s Medusa’s favorite cheese?

Gorgonzola.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0mdh/whats_medusas_favorite_cheese/
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When you gotta pee . . .

Two women go out one Friday night without their husbands.  As they head back home, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. The only place to stop was a cemetery.  Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought, “I’m not getting rid of my panties . . .” so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, “We have to be on the look-out.  It seems that these two were up to no good last night.  My wife came home without her panties!”
The other responded, “You’re lucky!  Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, we will never forget you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0lwz/when_you_gotta_pee/
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Needed to punch another hole in my belt.

I gave it my awl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0jex/needed_to_punch_another_hole_in_my_belt/
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I really do believe Allah is the one true god

I mean the universe was created by an EXPLOSION wasn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0i4g/i_really_do_believe_allah_is_the_one_true_god/
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Baby balloon sneaks into Mom and Dads room

He can't get into their bed because they are taking up too much room so he sneaks up and let's little air out of Dad balloon and squeezes in between them. Dad wakes up and tells him off and brings him back to his own bed.
Later on he comes back into Mom and Dads room,he still cant get into the bed because they take up so much room so he let's a little air out of Mom balloon and squeezes in between them. Mom wakes up, tells him off and brings him back to his own bed.
Later on again he comes back into Mom and Dads room,he's again unable to squeeze in between them but they've also positioned themselves so he can't let any air out of them. He decides to let a little air out of himself so he squeeze in between them.
Now Mom and Dad wake up,Dad is furious and yells: "That's it's I've had enough,we expected more from you,not only have you let me down, you've let your mom and most importantly you've let yourself down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0fr5/baby_balloon_sneaks_into_mom_and_dads_room/
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What's the most musical SUV truck?

A hummer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0esc/whats_the_most_musical_suv_truck/
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Bye mom!

What did the Indian boy say to his mother before leaving his house?
Mumbai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab0bgz/bye_mom/
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I have the eye of the tiger,

The heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab09pm/i_have_the_eye_of_the_tiger/
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I have this crazy conspiracy theory about wells.

Its pretty deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab07oj/i_have_this_crazy_conspiracy_theory_about_wells/
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A mother sends her little son out to get some edible silver balls for the top of a birthday cake...

The son misunderstands, and comes back with a bag of very small steel ball bearings.  Being so tiny, nobody notices them as they're swallowed from the top of the cake.  That is, until next morning...
The elder daughter comes downstairs and says "Mum, I was so uncomfortable this morning. I had a shit and it was full of steel ball bearings. I heard it bounce off the toilet bowl!"
The younger daughter comes down and says "Mum, I took my sanitary towel off this morning and it was covered in steel ball bearings"
The son, already downstairs, says "That's nothing. I had a wank this morning and shot the cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab06eu/a_mother_sends_her_little_son_out_to_get_some/
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What do you get when you cross whale DNA with human DNA?

Kicked out of Sea Life, apparently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ab02ih/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_whale_dna_with/
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A New Years Resolution is...

Something that goes in one year and out the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aazz98/a_new_years_resolution_is/
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At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aazvow/at_the_beginning_of_this_year_i_made_a_new_years/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaztsn/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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Over a round of golf, two surgeons were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague.
"About $6,000."
"What did he have?"
"About $6,000."
"What did you remove?"
"About $6,000."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaztci/over_a_round_of_golf_two_surgeons_were_talking/
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What kind of a car does an egg drive?

A Yolkswagen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aazq1x/what_kind_of_a_car_does_an_egg_drive/
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Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aazkki/wife_i_have_blisters_on_my_hands_from_using_the/
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I like horror movies because of the musics

They all have killer soundtracks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aazj7k/i_like_horror_movies_because_of_the_musics/
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Two Women are at the Vet

Two women are sitting in the waiting room at the Vet. The first woman has a Great Dane and the second has a Chihuahua. The First woman wanting to make small talk asks the lady with the chihuahua “what brings you in here today?”
“This year was the first time I ever hosted Christmas for my family, and he kept humping everyone. I was so embarrassed, so I am getting him fixed today to hopefully stop that; What are you bringing in the Great-Dane for?”
“Well, yesterday morning I was getting out of the shower and my towel fell off with him in the bathroom with me. I bent over to pick it up and he hopped up and started humping me.”
The Chihuahua lady with a shocked look on her face “Oh my god, I’m so sorry to hear that! Are you getting him fixed today?”
“No, I’m Getting him declawed”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aazi5f/two_women_are_at_the_vet/
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The captured explorer...

There was once an intrepid explorer called Eric, he was wandering in a hitherto unknown part of Africa. One day in the jungle, his guides are ambushed and killed with poison darts. Eric is the only one taken alive and he is bound and gagged. They drag him back to their village and present him to their chief. The chief, eyes a blazing says "You have trespassed on our land, the penalty is death or P'tu". Eric, thinking surely P'tu can't be worse than death. He is however a cautious man, so he nods his head to speak. The chief indicates to his men to remove the gag. Eric asks "What is P'tu?"
The chief replies "It is our tribe's test of manhood where you must complete 3 death defying trials. If you complete them and survive, then you shall be set free." Eric now thinking he may have been given a break, though still cautious he asks "What are these 3 tasks?" The chief explains "You must go in the the first hut and drink 10 gourds of kvasswoo, this is our alcoholic drink made with spit and the fermented leaf of the juju tree." The chief grabs the explorer's arm and says "one gourd of kvasswoo is enough to floor the whole tribe." If you survive that, then you must go in to the second hut and wrestle the vicious lioness and subdue her. If you survive that you must go in to the third hut, pleasure and satisfy Abeni, the most insatiable woman of the village." Eric smiles and says "I accept your challenge". Eric goes in to the first hut, two hours go by and the tribe assumes he's dead, but no, he emerges visibly worse for wear, stumbling as he walks. He stumbles, but two tribesman guide him in to the second hut, immediately the tribe hear the high pitched angry roars of the lioness the roars, hisses and squeals. The noise goes on for three hours then it all goes silent, the tribe all think he must be dead, but he emerges covered head to in scratches and bites. He looks at the chief and says "okay where's this Abeni woman that you want me to wrestle?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aazdt2/the_captured_explorer/
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Someone donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donate 5, and instantly the police has to get involved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aazcme/someone_donates_1_kidney_is_considered_a_hero/
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What's bacon's favorite movie?

Grease

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aazbad/whats_bacons_favorite_movie/
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I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aazb8u/i_was_in_the_supermarket_when_i_got_a_message_on/
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(NSFW) A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other.

Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaza2o/nsfw_a_guy_and_his_date_are_parked_out_in_the/
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A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaz8de/a_man_takes_his_seat_at_the_world_cup_final_he/
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Pop your finger in and see if she's done

Okay so there's this guy, let's call him Brad. He's cooking with his wife's Uncle on thanksgiving, let's call him Lenny. Lenny pulls a Pumpkin Pie out of the oven and is like "Hmm... I dunno, I've never been too good with these things, can neeeever tell if it's fully cooked."
So Brad's like "It's all good, just pop your finger in and see if she's done"
Uncle Lenny laughs "Haha! Wish I could check the Ol' Lady like that!" They laugh.
Christmas comes around, and everyone seems to be having a good time when Brad hears the kids running around the Dessert table and saying that old familiar punchline.
"POP YOUR FINGER IN, SEE IF SHE'S DONE! HAHAHA! JUST POP YOUR FINGER IN!"
So he blushes and is like oh okay what the fuck but whatever maybe it's just a coincidence, leaves the dinner room and goes out into the living room where Uncle Lenny is just having Coffee slowly with a long refreshing "ahhhhh don't you just love the holidays?"
2 years go buy and it's Brad's Birthday- He's about to blow out the candles when his wife says "Oh, wait! Honey, don't forget to POP YOUR FINGER IN AND SEE IF SHE'S DONE!" The ENTIRE family laughs, Uncle Lenny nudges him with an Elbow and winks.
Finally Brad's like y'know what, enough, this isn't even appropriate and it's not even that funny of a joke, I'm going the fuck over there and we're taking this goddamn joke off the table.
So he gets in his car, Drives to Uncle Lenny's- no one's home but Lenny so he knocks on the door and Lenny Answers: "I figured you were gonna pop in! What, just to-"
"Yeah yeah yeah check if she's done listen man the joke has to fucking stop. It's gross. It's not funny, and it's gross Lenny- you made it like what, 5 years ago now? Cheryl isn't even with us anymore Lenny, Cheryl is Dead, Cheryl is dead and I cannot believe you keep making this reference it is completely inappropriate Lenny. You need some fucking Help. You need. Help."
So Lenny looks at the ground, clears his throat, wipes a tear from his eye haphazardly and invites Brad in. "Can I... Can I just show you something he asks?"
At this point, Brad felt pretty awful so he obliged and walked inside. They headed to a large blue door with a diamond knob- Lenny Cleared his throat before he entered. "C'mon on, there's lots of memories awaitin'". So he joined him.
It was a room full of photos and memories- pictures of his wife as a child and her cousins, and Lenny and Cheryl and their wedding pictures as well as their families. He picked up a photo of Billy, his son.
"This is Billy right after his graduation..."
"Billy is 14, Lenny!"
"Cubscouts, Brad. And y'know what I said to him that day? Y'know what I said to him right before that picture?"
Brad felt terrible- he knew. He probably told him the joke.
"I looked right into his little 10 year old eyes and I said-" he choked a little, then continued "I said You go out there into the world, and you put your finger in it and you make sure shes done for ya, ya hear me?"
"God, I just, I didn't know it was so important to-"
"And this one? Of Cheryl's Grandmother before she passed? Do you know what her last words were?"
"...God, I'm so sorry Lenny"
"She said 'LENROY, YOU MAKE SURE YOU PUT YOUR FINGER IN HER AND MAKE SURE SHE'S DONE' before she flatlined!"
"I had no idea!"
"HOW COULD YOU KNOW? IT WAS JUST A JOKE TO YOU." He passed glances over the pictures. "...But I hope you understand now... I hope you understand how important it is for you to have said something so special, so endearing for this family. We love you, Brad, and we're all here for you if you ever want to talk."
"Thanks Lenny. I should... Probably get going."
"take care, Brad... oh, and Brad?"
"Lemme guess, Put your finger in her and makes su-"
"No, I've been fucking your wife since Cheryl died."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaz8br/pop_your_finger_in_and_see_if_shes_done/
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that it's just a coincidence...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaz84h/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaz47z/a_mexican_man_who_spoke_no_english_went_into_a/
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Man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt....

“Give me a beer.... and one for the road too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaz1zq/man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_slab_of_asphalt/
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John Cena wakes up in a hospital

John Cena: Where am i?
Nurse: ICU
John Cena: NO YOU CAN’T

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaz0o1/john_cena_wakes_up_in_a_hospital/
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How do you get your girlfriend to stop sucking your dick?

Marry her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aayuqe/how_do_you_get_your_girlfriend_to_stop_sucking/
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Quit While You’re Ahead

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent;  then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!" The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement. Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: "Take another drink!" But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair. By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out. By now the bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly. The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy's empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering,  "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aayrti/quit_while_youre_ahead/
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Why do Italians love soccer?

Because half way through, they get to switch sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaylg7/why_do_italians_love_soccer/
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A Prostitute Walks Into a Bar

A prostitute walks into a bar. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.
"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven`t been paid!"
Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up *prostitute*.
She shows him the definition:
PROSTITUTE (pros`ti toot) n. A woman who performs services for money. The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary.
He shows her a definition:
KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare) n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaykze/a_prostitute_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot you racist bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aayknt/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_flying_a_plane/
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A bishop, knight, and queen are leaving a bar

The bartender says, "Can I get you guys anything else?" The queen replies, "Just the check, mate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aayjvo/a_bishop_knight_and_queen_are_leaving_a_bar/
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There was a woman.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.  She spends £15,000 and looks  sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’  The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself.  She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra  Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.  She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.  He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aayiqz/there_was_a_woman/
%
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN...

They get VERY ANGRY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aayh6r/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_mailmen/
%
A businessman is walking down a...

A businessman is walking down a village and meets a lazy guy who's sitting under a tree. Businessman: Why are you just sitting there doing nothing, go water those trees over there so you can grow some fruit and sell them to make money.
Guy: For what?
Businessman: So you can use that money to buy more land and grow even more fruit.
Guy: For what?
Businessman: So you can make your income even more, and make a factory that produces juice with the fruit.
Guy: For what?
Businessman: So you can sell all of that and become a multimillionaire.
Guy: Why?
Businessman: So you can just sit there and do nothing.
Guy: I'm already sitting here, doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aayh01/a_businessman_is_walking_down_a/
%
"Hey dad, what's a transsexual?

"I don't really know, but go ask your Aunt Dave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaygbp/hey_dad_whats_a_transsexual/
%
I was having an argument with a big fat ugly twat the other day and everything I said he repeated, this went on for over an hour, then I realised I was looking at a mirror.

On reflection, I suppose he was right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaycx2/i_was_having_an_argument_with_a_big_fat_ugly_twat/
%
What do you call a cold hot dog?

A chilly Willy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aayb6h/what_do_you_call_a_cold_hot_dog/
%
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Re-EDIT: Thanks for all the upvotes!!
I had a huge number of messages claiming labia size is not connected to sexual activity, good news for y'all: You are right!!
But for the record this is only a joke, I never said I was a doctor and this is not a scientific magazine.
This controversial reminds me of the snowman's joke... https://www.reddit.com/r/copypasta/comments/8q6jbr/i_made_a_snowman/
Happy and funny new year!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aay944/a_woman_wants_her_vaginal_lips_reduced_in_size/
%
so this priest passes away and gets to Heaven

Saint Peter welcomes him to Heaven:  "Father Thomas, during all these years you have made hundreds of souls pray at your little village's church. In order to reward you we will give you a cloud-vehicle so you can move wherever you want into Paradise."
The priest was given a modest cloud, not very big but comfortable and easy to drive, so he started visiting Paradise with.
As he stops at a red light a huge cloud stopped next to his, it was a luxurious one, plenty of beautiful young women drinking and dancing. A mid age black man was driving this cloud and the priest was so shocked that he went immediately complain to St Peter: " I really don't understand, I gave my entire life to my church, to my parish, I made hundreds of people pray the Lord all these years and you give me that little cloud, what did this man made so you gave him the biggest cloud?"
St Peter kept calm and told him: "Look, in the record book you can see you made 835 people pray all along your priesthood, it's quite a number. But the guy you're talking to me about was an Air Congo's pilot, he made around 20 flights per week during 14 years, with un average of 250 people per flight praying at every take off, so please don't tell me he doesn't deserve that cloud..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aay4ry/so_this_priest_passes_away_and_gets_to_heaven/
%
Why couldn't the car key get a date?

Because everyone thought he was a little door key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aay17h/why_couldnt_the_car_key_get_a_date/
%
What do you call a Snowman's jizz?

Jack Frost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaxysz/what_do_you_call_a_snowmans_jizz/
%
Altar boy goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaxwu8/altar_boy_goes_to_confession/
%
What do women and condoms have in common

They spend more time in your wallet,than on your dick
Or they don’t always work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaxwe3/what_do_women_and_condoms_have_in_common/
%
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.”
To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.
When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green.
After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.
“Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaxw66/a_young_man_with_a_few_hours_to_spare_one/
%
My girlfriend noticed an exceptionally large Barnes and Noble last night

“It’s so big, it’s got two stories!”
Her dad turned and said “I think they’ve got more than that”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaxvke/my_girlfriend_noticed_an_exceptionally_large/
%
Over the past few years The U.S. Army have been conditioning soldiers to behave in certain ways when they hear certain musical chords. They have just found the perfect chord to get soldiers to report to their superiors.

C Major.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaxtdm/over_the_past_few_years_the_us_army_have_been/
%
How long before you close?

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before You close?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before You Close?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before You Close?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long until we close, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaxkkd/how_long_before_you_close/
%
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaxiyp/i_am_getting_so_sick_of_millennials_and_their/
%
Medusa may not be the most beautiful woman alive..

But she still gets me rock-hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaxdnw/medusa_may_not_be_the_most_beautiful_woman_alive/
%
For my girlfriend's 25th birthday I got a bloke to come over to our house.

While we were sat on the sofa, the bloke said, "There's this pub nearby, it's good but the people there are kind of loud, obnoxious, 2/10. Then there's a club a few miles down the road. Huge venue with loud music and expensive drinks, 7/10. Then even further away, perhaps four or five miles out, there's a bar. It's got a lovely interior, calm music, friendly people, and a dart board for if you get the urge to play a game. I would recommend you go there, 10/10."
"Who is this guy?" asked my girlfriend, looking at me with utter confusion.
"It's your birthday," I replied. "You said you wanted me to get you a vibe rater."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaxdkc/for_my_girlfriends_25th_birthday_i_got_a_bloke_to/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

“How do you breathe out of that thing?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aax597/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
%
A customer walks in to a bar

The first thing the bartender notices about this customer is that he’s really big and really hairy. So the customer walks up to the bartender and says “I’ll have a beer..........................................................and a jar of honey.” And the bartender goes “Wait, you’re a bear aren’t you?” Knowing he’s been caught, the bear asks “How’d you know?” And the bartender replies with “Your long pause.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aax2ey/a_customer_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
What do Canadian Jawas eat?

Poutini!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aawz3m/what_do_canadian_jawas_eat/
%
What does it say on a Russian USB drive?

Putin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aawx0n/what_does_it_say_on_a_russian_usb_drive/
%
What does the mafia and a vagina have in common?

one slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aawvgo/what_does_the_mafia_and_a_vagina_have_in_common/
%
I have the heart of a lion!

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aawkt7/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019.

I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aawk6r/i_told_my_husband_im_going_gradually_cut_back_my/
%
They say people have sex on average 24 times a year

today’s gonna be one wild day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aawj9j/they_say_people_have_sex_on_average_24_times_a/
%
I snorted curry powder once.

It nearly put me in a korma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aawi4m/i_snorted_curry_powder_once/
%
I almost got a tattoo of my life motto the other day.

"Never back out".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aawgg4/i_almost_got_a_tattoo_of_my_life_motto_the_other/
%
Two Priests

Two priests are running out of a burning church.
Priest 1: “What about all the children inside”.
Priest 2:“Fuck the children”.
Priest 1: “Do you think we’ll have time”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aawg86/two_priests/
%
An aspiring actor turned thief has broken into Sydney Opera House.

Sources say he stole the spotlight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aawg1c/an_aspiring_actor_turned_thief_has_broken_into/
%
A man goes into his local bar.

He takes a seat and the bartender grabs him his usual drink and takes it to him.
"Why the long face pal?" The bartender asks him.
"Well I caught my girl cheating on me with my best friend." Says the man
"That's horrible, what did you tell your girlfriend?"
"I told her to pack her shit and get out!"
"What about your best friend?" says the bartender
"BAD DOG, BAD! DOG!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aawg08/a_man_goes_into_his_local_bar/
%
Why aren't there any guns in Harry Potter?

Because Hogwarts is in England not America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aawe6x/why_arent_there_any_guns_in_harry_potter/
%
How do you call a dog who works at a subway?

A subwoofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaw684/how_do_you_call_a_dog_who_works_at_a_subway/
%
Two blondes were on a plane to New York.

About two hours into the flight, the pilot speaks over the intercom, "Attention ladies and gentlemen, we appear to have burst one of our engines.  No need to panic; we still have three more.  Our arrival time has been delayed by about an hour.  We sincerely apologize for any inconveniences."
After another half hour, the pilot again goes on the intercom, "It looks like another engine just went out, folks.  We still have two more, but our arrival time has been delayed by about 90 minutes."
"Jesus Christ," one blonde remarked to the other, "if we lose those other two engines, we be up here all day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaw5li/two_blondes_were_on_a_plane_to_new_york/
%
Q. How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

A. As mushroom as possible
Too soon ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaw1sp/q_how_much_room_is_needed_for_fungi_to_grow/
%
What is the difference between American girls and Saudi Arabian girls?

American girls like to get stoned *before* they have sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaw1hz/what_is_the_difference_between_american_girls_and/
%
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?

A: Because it was soda pressing.
(Eh what can I say)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaw1bo/q_why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
%
Here's a quick trick to tell what gender an ant is

Put the ants in a bowl of water.
The ones that sink to the bottom are girl-ants.
The ones that float are boy-ants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaw10g/heres_a_quick_trick_to_tell_what_gender_an_ant_is/
%
My friend thinks he is smart.

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaw0pg/my_friend_thinks_he_is_smart/
%
A little boy with diarrhea tells his mum he needs Viagra

. The mom asks, "why on earth do you need that?".
The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaw0js/a_little_boy_with_diarrhea_tells_his_mum_he_needs/
%
A man came to my door asking for a donation for a local pool.

So I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aavxmj/a_man_came_to_my_door_asking_for_a_donation_for_a/
%
Free Sex

A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read:
*** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along w/his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his FREE SEX.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed ‘2’ this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was ‘3’. You were close, but no FREE SEX this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away FREE SEX."
Bubba replied, "No. it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aavw6q/free_sex/
%
My wife always cooks Indian food for dinner, even though I hate it.

It's been a recurrying issue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aavuei/my_wife_always_cooks_indian_food_for_dinner_even/
%
The local barber in my town was just arrested for drug possession.

This surprised me because I've been his customer for years, and I never knew he was a barber...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aavpcp/the_local_barber_in_my_town_was_just_arrested_for/
%
The horse couple decided not to get divorced.

They wanted their kids to have a stable home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aavio7/the_horse_couple_decided_not_to_get_divorced/
%
I got 3 eyes, 4 arms and 5 legs. What am I?

Ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aavggq/i_got_3_eyes_4_arms_and_5_legs_what_am_i/
%
Why is the pH of youtube so stable?

It constantly buffers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aavfp6/why_is_the_ph_of_youtube_so_stable/
%
I went into a pharmacy.

I said, "Have you got anything for irritation?"
She said, "Yes. But where exactly?"
I said, "Fuck knows, you tell me. It's your shop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aavd6b/i_went_into_a_pharmacy/
%
Joke of the year

I got mugged by six dwarfs,
Not happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aavcj0/joke_of_the_year/
%
There is no excuse for people who say "could of"

They should of paid attention in school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aavca6/there_is_no_excuse_for_people_who_say_could_of/
%
Katie O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Katie, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Mr. Finnegan but, where is my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Katie. I’m afraid to say it- there was a terrible accident down at the brewery as we were working t’day."
"Oh, No! Oh God no!" cries Katie. "Please don't you be telling me, that..."
"I must, Katie. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm terrible sorry."
Finally, she looked up at him and said, "How did it happen, Mr. Finnegan?"
"It was just awful , Katie. He was up on a high ladder working to change on of the light fixtures and... and... well-he must have slipped... and, Lord help me tell ya this... He fell into a huge vat of Guinness Stout and he drowned!"
"Oh my dear sweet Jesus! But you must tell me true, Mr. Finnegan. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Katie, no." He said, looking down at the ground,
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aavaom/katie_omalley_is_home_making_dinner_as_usual_when/
%
I have three noses, twenty arms and 10 eyes, what am I?

A liar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aav8hw/i_have_three_noses_twenty_arms_and_10_eyes_what/
%
Two men sit across from each other on a train...

...both with black eyes. Seeing the coincidence, one guy says to the other:
"Hey, I see we both got black eyes here, mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy responds:
"Well, I was in the train station getting a ticket, and the teller was a gorgeous lady with huge knockers. I got flustered and accidentally said 'Can I buy one picket to Titsburg?' instead of 'one ticket to Pittsburg.' And the lady got offended and punched me in the face!"
The first guy chuckles and says back:
"Damn... I got mine in almost the exact same way. I was eating breakfast with my wife, and instead of saying 'Honey, can you pass the salt?' I said 'Fuck you bitch, you ruined my life.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aav7de/two_men_sit_across_from_each_other_on_a_train/
%
I used to be great at telling jokes

But now I just punch up the fuck line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aav67k/i_used_to_be_great_at_telling_jokes/
%
Apparently humans eat more bananas than monkeys

To be fair I don't remember the last time I ate a monkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aav65a/apparently_humans_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
%
Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Me: "Why?"
Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aav59g/bouncer_im_going_to_have_to_ask_you_to_leave/
%
"Dad, I poisoned our neighbors' groundwater."

"Well, well, well"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aav3za/dad_i_poisoned_our_neighbors_groundwater/
%
I don’t want to sound racist but...

Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aav3r1/i_dont_want_to_sound_racist_but/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, they're not going to come...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aauznp/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
It was scripture class time...

And as per usual, the teacher formed a circle and asked everyone to take turns reciting some verses from the bible.
“To answer before listening — that is folly and shame.”
“Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.”
When it finally got to Jack, he was obviously taken by surprise, not paying attention and consequently not preparing a verse for his turn. He sat with blank eyes for a moment.
"Jack? Perhaps anything from the gospel?" asked the teacher, knowing that Jack took a liking to the gospel.
"Judas then departed and went to hang himself." Jack recited.
"Very good, very good, that's not one I hear often. Anything else?"
Jack went back to his blank state of mind as he racked his brains once more.
"Go thou and do likewise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aauyec/it_was_scripture_class_time/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aauy4i/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
My New Year revolution is

to never use autocorrect again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aautcq/my_new_year_revolution_is/
%
Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave

. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aauo16/today_i_went_to_a_barbers_shop_for_a_shave/
%
Men with piercings are ideal...

Men with piercings are ideal marriage material. They are not new to pain and they have experience with buying jewelry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaunkq/men_with_piercings_are_ideal/
%
I am sad, my boyfriend only has one foot

Mom: consider yourself lucky, you father only had 6 inches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aauni6/i_am_sad_my_boyfriend_only_has_one_foot/
%
My girlfriend is a real 10/10

I don't like them any older.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaumnr/my_girlfriend_is_a_real_1010/
%
A father has been a criminal-

\-and has been avoiding the police. One day, he talks to his son, Michael.
Father:Listen, if people are looking for me, tell them I'm not here, if they ask where I went or when I'll come back, tell them you don't know.
Michael:Yes, father.
A few hours later, Michael hears knocking. Michael opens the door and there's a cop. The cop asks him;
Cop:Hey, little buddy. Where's your father?
Michael:He's not here.
Cop:Where did he go?
Michael:He didn't say where.
Cop:When will he come back?
Michael:I don't know.
Cop:What is he wearing?
Michael:FATHER!!! WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaum9l/a_father_has_been_a_criminal/
%
A priests asks the convicted murderer

at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaum5p/a_priests_asks_the_convicted_murderer/
%
Read aloud.

How can you tell if a drug addict has road rage?
They didn't cause the accident, a dick did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaukdk/read_aloud/
%
I lost my mood ring

and I don’t know how I feel about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaujqa/i_lost_my_mood_ring/
%
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aauilr/as_we_landed_in_saudi_arabia_the_pilot_announced/
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I have a good friend who I call Mitch.

I entrusted him with taking care of my bunny while I was on vacation.
However when I got back, he posted on Facebook that he was at a party.
So I drove there as fast as I could, meanwhile I was thinking to myself, 'Mitch better have my bunny.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaugwz/i_have_a_good_friend_who_i_call_mitch/
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A man walks into a bar and orders punch.

Bartender says, "buddy if you want a punch you better get in line"
The man looks around, but there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaueyi/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_punch/
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What do you call a guy with no shin?

Tony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aauc2j/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_shin/
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My girlfriend was in a pensive mood, so I asked her if something was wrong.

"Do you believe in ghosts?" she asked.
"Of course not, honey," I replied. "Don't worry, we are safe here."
She reached into her pocket.
"Then how did THESE knickers get here?" she demanded, holding them up for me to see.
I said, "Yeah, I believe in ghosts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaubnv/my_girlfriend_was_in_a_pensive_mood_so_i_asked/
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Kids are like farts

Your own are awesome.
Other people's are disgusting.
Once in a while, one of them is really a turd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaubj2/kids_are_like_farts/
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When I was young I found a dildo in my mum's drawer.

So being young, I took it to her and said, "Mum, what is this?"
She thought for a moment. "It's a stick," she replied, "I use it to help me plant..seeds..in the soil..."
"Oh," I hesitated. "is that why it's so brown?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaub1t/when_i_was_young_i_found_a_dildo_in_my_mums_drawer/
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I have three legs, two mouths, seven eyes, six arms and four noses. What am I?

A liar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aau9vc/i_have_three_legs_two_mouths_seven_eyes_six_arms/
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If Mozart turned into a zombie...

He'd be a famous decomposer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aau3fd/if_mozart_turned_into_a_zombie/
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Whoever said technology would replace paper....

has clearly never tried wiping their butt with an iPad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aau2ny/whoever_said_technology_would_replace_paper/
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What rhymes with Orange

No it doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aau1cf/what_rhymes_with_orange/
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Teaching children the word "CONTAGIOUS" in class...

In English class the teacher wrote the word "CONTAGIOUS" on the blackboard and turned to her students.
"I'd like to you tell us all a sentence containing the word "contagious".  Several students raised their hands and the teacher asked them to stand up and tell the class their sentence.
"Mary, please tell us your sentence" asked the teacher.  Mary replied, "My mom said that when I have a cold, I have to stay at home because it's contagious."  "Well done Mary, very good."
"Brian, your sentence please."  "My dad says laughing is contagious."  "Well done Brian, that's very good."
The teacher turned to Jonny and asked him to tell the class his sentence.  "One day my dad was painting the fence, but he kept stopping for a cup of tea.  Mom said that if he carries on like that, it'll take that cunt ages."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aatz9b/teaching_children_the_word_contagious_in_class/
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Black Mirror: Bandersnatch is definitely going to win in at least one award category...

...Viewer's Choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aatv6r/black_mirror_bandersnatch_is_definitely_going_to/
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Damn those trees,so insulting..

Throwing shade left and right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aatuux/damn_those_treesso_insulting/
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How do you know if a snake is mad?

It throws a hissy fit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aatt9p/how_do_you_know_if_a_snake_is_mad/
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I am devastated. Today is a very sad day...

After seven years of training and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his clients, and, because of that, can now no longer work in his profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money.
A genuinely nice guy, and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aatqnp/i_am_devastated_today_is_a_very_sad_day/
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What kind of phones to turtles use?

Shell-ular phones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aatnmd/what_kind_of_phones_to_turtles_use/
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What’s the difference between five black guys and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aatiyj/whats_the_difference_between_five_black_guys_and/
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Next Black Mirror episode will require

you to write and direct it yourself while Charlie Brooker goes on a vacation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aathmc/next_black_mirror_episode_will_require/
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What do pirates and the the kkk have in common?

They both drop hard arr’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aatf3f/what_do_pirates_and_the_the_kkk_have_in_common/
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Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition?

He heard there would be Gary-oake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aatdg1/why_did_ash_ketchum_enter_a_singing_competition/
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What do a snowstorm in Florida, a hula hoop with a nail in it, and the USS Adams have in common?

They're all navel destroyers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aatd5t/what_do_a_snowstorm_in_florida_a_hula_hoop_with_a/
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How can you tell if a snowman is gay?

The carrot’s in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aatc71/how_can_you_tell_if_a_snowman_is_gay/
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My sister says she wants to have 4 kids

I told her the most I would do was 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aata2p/my_sister_says_she_wants_to_have_4_kids/
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A man walks into the bar looking mad

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"
The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aat91k/a_man_walks_into_the_bar_looking_mad/
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aat7ej/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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The Chinese Workman

An Australian man comes to Oregon during the great gold rush knowing of a location where tons of gold has yet to be discovered. Keeping it as secretive as possible, he comes alone and needs to hire help as he arrives. He heads to the local bar where many of the miners spend their evenings. He has many conversations with people looking for a group of skilled men he can trust. He eventually hires a massive Englishman strong enough to move rocks and dirt quicker than any other man. He also hires an Irishman skilled with explosives. Lastly, he hires a Chinaman who has connections throughout town and can get anything they need. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to remove any debris in the way. The Irishman is to carefully blow holes to reach the gold. And finally, the Chinaman is in charge of the supplies.
The boss arrives at the site the next day and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''Have you finished the work already?'' he asks.
The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't bring them any wheelbarrows, axes, or explosives. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman. They tell him they thought they saw him hanging around the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aat63c/the_chinese_workman/
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Down here in Alabama, we don’t do the reverse cowgirl

You don’t turn your back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aat3b5/down_here_in_alabama_we_dont_do_the_reverse/
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Apple just announced a new $500 velcro wristband for the apple watch

Sounds like a rip-off to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aat2xh/apple_just_announced_a_new_500_velcro_wristband/
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What do you call an NRA member with a boner

A hard conservative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aat2h1/what_do_you_call_an_nra_member_with_a_boner/
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Did you hear about the dancer that was killed in the stripper bar?

Now the place is haunted with en-titties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aasx0q/did_you_hear_about_the_dancer_that_was_killed_in/
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What does the pope have in common with Christmas trees ?

Both have balls just for decoration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaso18/what_does_the_pope_have_in_common_with_christmas/
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An old woman is having her 90th birthday.

She has three sons, and each of them has been very successful in life. They realized this might be her last year, and each decided to get something special for her.
The first got thought that she must find the same old house boring after living in it for all her life and bought her a mansion. The second wonders if she could use some help getting around and buys her a limousine and driver.
The third, being the smartest, trains a parrot to be able to read for her, as her eyesight has deteriorated.
Their mother, being old fashioned, writes a letter to each of them.
To the first she writes,
"My oldest son, I thank you kindly for the mansion. However, I have no use for it as I only really need a bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen, so I donated the estate to the orphanage so that they would have more rooms."
To the second she writes,
"My son, Thank you so much for the limousine and chauffeure. But I have no need for a car at all because the only place I ever go is the church, which is right next door.
I gave it to the church, so that they can carpool churchgoers from far away."
To the third she writes,
"My youngest son, your gift was the best and most practical present I got today. The turkey was great."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aasnho/an_old_woman_is_having_her_90th_birthday/
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They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater...

But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aask1x/they_said_i_couldnt_bring_outside_snacks_into_the/
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Who is the Dovahkiin’s favorite author?

Fus Roald Dahl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aasj5d/who_is_the_dovahkiins_favorite_author/
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If you steal something, that’s one thing

If you steal something else, that’s another thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aasgl1/if_you_steal_something_thats_one_thing/
%
How much do Chinese noodles weigh?

Wonton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aasg22/how_much_do_chinese_noodles_weigh/
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Woman with no legs and no arms

There a jogger doing his morning run round the lake. This morning there’s a woman with no arms and no legs crying. He says to the woman “what’s wrong” she replies  “I’ve never been hugged” so the jogger picks her up and gives her a hug and goes for a lap around the lake
He comes back round and she’s still crying. He asks again “what’s wrong”. She replies “I’ve never been kissed” so he picks her up and gives her a kiss and goes for another lap around the lake.
He comes back round and she’s still there crying. He asks “what’s wrong”. The woman with no arms and no legs says “I’ve never been fucked” so the jogger picks her up and throws her in the lake and says “you’re fucked now”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aasdjd/woman_with_no_legs_and_no_arms/
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What has 6 legs, 9 arms, 3 heads, and 2 feet?

The Boston Marathon finish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aasbtl/what_has_6_legs_9_arms_3_heads_and_2_feet/
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What did batman say to robin before he got in the batmobile?

Robin get in the batmobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aas76m/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_he_got_in_the/
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Two Old Seniors are sitting on a bench Outside a Nursing Home

They both take sips of their drinks, rocking back and forth slowly. One looks at the other and asks, “How’s your weekend been, George?”
George looks at him. “It’s been amazing. I was taking a walk down the street and I come to a railroad crossing, low-and-behold, a girl was tied up on the tracks just like in the movies!”
The other old timer looked over in shock. “No way! You’re kidding!”
George put his hands up. “I swear it’s true. So, I rescued her obviously. I took her home, and we made love under the stars. Seventeen times, I counted.”
“That must’ve been the best night of your life.”
George nodded. “It most definitely was.” He paused and took a sip of his drink. “Only problem was I couldn’t find her head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aas5lg/two_old_seniors_are_sitting_on_a_bench_outside_a/
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We weren't allowed gum in school, our teacher was a bit of a gum nazi

She wanted to eliminate all the chews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aas2y3/we_werent_allowed_gum_in_school_our_teacher_was_a/
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What should you do when you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aas1sr/what_should_you_do_when_you_come_across_an/
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I once had a friend with 5 legs...

His pants fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aas0ed/i_once_had_a_friend_with_5_legs/
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People think that my wife and I are cruel for naming our baby girl “Siri”.

Especially when they know our last name is Russ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aarzqm/people_think_that_my_wife_and_i_are_cruel_for/
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There once was an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac...

Sometimes he would lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aarykm/there_once_was_an_agnostic_dyslexic_insomniac/
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Dogs can’t operate MRI machines..

But Catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aarwl7/dogs_cant_operate_mri_machines/
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What has nine arms, ten legs and sucks?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aarv1k/what_has_nine_arms_ten_legs_and_sucks/
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Three men climb the stairway to heaven.

At the top of the stairs is a train station, where a ticket man stops them. He explains to the men that souls may board a train from here that will take them the rest of the way up to heaven. However, the train runs on a schedule, and is nearly full.
"I'm sorry fellers" says the ticket man.
"The only seats I have left are for folks who died a strange and tragic death."
The first man steps forward. "I died a strange and tragic death" he says.
"You did? Well then, please tell us your story" says the ticket man.
The first man begins. "I was living on the 20th floor of a rather nice apartment building with a balcony. One day, as I stood out on the balcony, I slipped and fell over the railing. I fell for 10 stories. But somehow, miraculously, I caught onto another balcony railing to stop my fall.
'Thank God' I thought to myself. 'I'm still alive!'
But then, some asshole comes out onto the balcony and starts beating on my hands! I kept pleading him to stop until finally he got frustrated and went back inside.
'Thank God' I thought to myself. 'I'm still alive!'
But then, the same asshole comes out again with a sledgehammer and breaks my hands with it. I fell another 10 stories into the bushes below. But somehow, miraculously, I survived!
'Thank God' I thought to myself. 'I'm still alive!'
But then the asshole goes back into his apartment, grabs a god damned REFRIGERATOR and throws it over the balcony. It fell on me and I died."
The ticket man shakes his head in pity. "That is a very strange and tragic death" he says. He gives the first man a ticket and lets him board the train.
The second man steps forward. "I too, died a strange and tragic death" he says. The ticket man asks for his story.
"Now, my wife and I lived together on the 10th floor of a pretty nice apartment. Everything was great, until I started to suspect my wife was cheating on me. One day I came home from work and sure enough, I find some bastard hanging from my balcony! In a rage, I started beating on his hands but he wouldn't let go.
'God dammit' I thought to myself. 'He's still alive!'
So I go back into my apartment and get the sledge hammer. I break the bastard's hands and he falls 10 stories down into the bushes. But somehow, I still hear him moaning in the bushes.
'God dammit' I thought to myself. 'He's still alive!'
So finally I grab the refrigerator and I heave it over the balcony. But the cord wraps around my leg at the last second, so the fridge pulls me down with it and I die."
The ticket man pauses. "That is a very... strange and tragic death." He hands the second man a ticket and allows him to board the train.
Finally the third man steps forward. "Uh. I uh... also have a strange and tragic death" he starts.
The ticket man holds up his hand "let me guess, you were banging the last guy's wife".
The third man shakes his head, and with a long sigh, begins his story.
"I lived in a refrigerator".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aarua8/three_men_climb_the_stairway_to_heaven/
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An Indian Chief and a Pilgrim are out hunting in the fields.

Chief - "Never hunted with white man before."
Pilgrim - "Don't worry I aim well. Last year I took down a..."
The Chief stops walking and slowly kneels down and places his right ear against the ground.
The Chief stands up. "Buffalo. Come."
Pilgrim - "How do you know?"
Chief - "Ear. Sticky."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aarnpc/an_indian_chief_and_a_pilgrim_are_out_hunting_in/
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After my cat lost his tail, I took him to Walmart..

They were the biggest retailer I could think of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aarnag/after_my_cat_lost_his_tail_i_took_him_to_walmart/
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Why do melons have traditional weddings?

Because they cantaloupe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aarl62/why_do_melons_have_traditional_weddings/
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What's about 12 inches long and hangs between Putin's legs?

Trump's tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aarkpj/whats_about_12_inches_long_and_hangs_between/
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How are Woman and Tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaripn/how_are_woman_and_tornadoes_alike/
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I picked up a hitch hiker last night..

He asked me why i picked him up, saying why did you pick me up? what if i was a serial killer? To which i responded, the chances of two serial killers in one car are astonishingly low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aarhup/i_picked_up_a_hitch_hiker_last_night/
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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it and out pops a genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars."
POOF! He's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50.
The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive."
POOF! He's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says, "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."
POOF! His arm starts rotating.
The genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says, "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."
POOF! A stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says, "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."
POOF! His looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."
POOF! Now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says, "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."
POOF! His complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."
POOF! He looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."
POOF! He's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic, "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says, "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says, "Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaragr/3_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/
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‪Why is Chinese soup the heaviest kind of soup?

Because it’s won-ton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aar6tb/why_is_chinese_soup_the_heaviest_kind_of_soup/
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The Wanderer

There once was a young boy who was abandoned by his parents on the day he was born. He once had a name, but it has long since been forgotten. He grew up in an orphanage, lonely and sad, eating poorly and being bullied by the other children. The boy was awkward and gangly and was forced to watch his peers grow older and be adopted while he simply aged, waiting for the day when he came of age so he could rid himself of this terrible place and explore the world. As the years went on, he grew more and more dejected with his lot in life. The only bright spot in his miserable days was that there was an old man across the street from the orphanage who had a swimming pool. The man took a liking to the boy, and told him that he was free to swim in the pool any time he pleased. The boy was more than happy to accept, and discovered within himself a great passion for swimming and diving. He spent hours a day perfecting his flips and turns, entering the water as gracefully as a swan. But sadly, even this couldn't end well for him. The old man passed away and the new owners of the pool were not nearly as obliging.
The boy finally came of age and moved out of the orphanage. This is when he earned his title: The Wanderer. He set off on his own with just the clothes on his back and the shoes on his feet to explore the world. He traveled through Europe and Asia, staying in hostels and working for his meals. He hiked through Africa and hitchhiked across America, determined to see everything that was kept from him in his early life.
One fateful afternoon found The Wanderer in Manhattan. As he wandered through Times Square, he noticed a businesswoman walking through the street, looking down at her phone. Seeing a bus barreling towards her, he acted on instinct. He ran into the street, tackling the woman out of harms way without a second to spare. As he helped her to her feet, she thanked him profusely. Dusting herself off, she said to him, "Thank you for saving my life! I'm the wealthiest woman in New York, please, is there anything I can do for you?"
"Think nothing of it," The Wanderer replied graciously. "If you must thank me, $100 would be  more than enough compensation."
"Are you sure?" asked the businesswoman. "I could give you $100,000 and never notice it was gone!"
The Wanderer insisted that $100 would be more than enough, but before the businesswoman left, she handed him her card, and made him promise to call her if he ever needed anything. The Wanderer thanked her again and wandered off to find a pay phone.
The Wanderer flipped through a phone book and found the number of a travel agent. The Wanderer dialed the number and asked the travel agent what cruise he could take for $100. The travel agent, whose job had been largely replaced by the internet, was happy for the work and found him a cruise leaving the following morning.
$100 is not nearly enough money for a proper cruise experience, so when The Wanderer boarded the ship, he discovered his room to be a simple 10' x 10', with a threadbare mattress, no window, and a single, uncovered light bulb. His room was deep below decks and next to the galley, but The Wanderer, being the person he was, decided to make the best of the situation. He helped out the crew in the kitchen and their maintenance work, accustomed as he was to working for lodging and meals, for the duration of the cruise. He was well liked by the ships staff, and even noticed by the captain. When the ship returned to harbor and The Wanderer was preparing to disembark, the captain approached him.
"I know your room was a simple 10' x 10', with a threadbare mattress, no window, and a single, uncovered light bulb, deep below decks and next to the galley, but you didn't have to spend your entire vacation working for the crew," said the captain. "Please, if there is anything I can do for you to thank you for your help, just say the word."
The Wanderer thought for a moment, then requested that the captain allow him to dive off the side of the ship. Nonplussed by this odd request, the captain obliged, and was greeted by a showing of the most magnificent dives and acrobatics she had ever seen. A crowd gathered to see The Wanderer's daring feats as he soared through the air and entered the water without a splash, throwing tips into his hat on the deck of the ship. Seeing how good he was for business, the captain invited The Wanderer to stay aboard as a permanent entertainer for the cruise line. The Wanderer, who had never had a place to call home before, gladly accepted.
Years went on and The Wanderer's reputation spread, until one day he approached the captain.
"After years of wandering," he said, "I think I have discovered my purpose. I am going to be the first person to dive off a mile-high diving board, and I would like to do it on my new home. May I build my diving board on your deck?"
The captain obliged, but asked The Wanderer how he was going to pay for such an expensive project. The Wanderer drew a business card from his tattered wallet and decided to give the businesswoman a call.
Thus began the most ambitious project in history: the construction of a mile-high diving board on the deck of a cruise ship. It took many months and garnered so much attention that on the day of its completion, there were thousands of people in attendance, hoping to see The Wanderer's stunt. Everyone he had met on his travels came, from Africa and Asia and Europe and all 50 states, reporters and celebrities and the businesswoman and the owners of the orphanage, people flocked from around the world to see the man who had nothing all his life make something of himself.
And so the time came. The Wanderer began to ascend the ladder, climbing up rung by rung, a mile into the sky. After a long hour, he reached the top, and prepared to jump.
But, as always, something had to go wrong for The Wanderer. A gust of wind caught the ship as he jumped, blowing him back just a few feet. As he fell, all the onlookers came to the same grim realization: The Wanderer was not going to land in the water.
He tumbled through the air, flipping and twirling and hurtling towards the deck of the ship, with thousands staring in horror at his impending doom.
WHAM. He smashed through the deck of the ship, through the floors below, through the ceiling that suspended his single, uncovered light bulb, through his threadbare mattress, down and down. People crowded to the sides of the ship, prepared to see The Wanderer's disfigured body float up through the water.
But one savvy reporter spotted a hand reach up and grab on to the edge of the hole where The Wanderer had fallen through the ship. Hoisting himself through the gap was none other than The Wanderer himself.
The reporter rushed to his side, asking him incredulously how he had survived such a terrible fall.
The wander brushed himself off and responded, "In my life, I have been through many hard ships."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aar5kk/the_wanderer/
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A new recruit has joined the navy...

A new recruit has joined the navy, and he's being given a tour of the ship. After the tour, the recruit asks the captain...
"But where can I go to pleasure my self?".
So the captain walks the recruit to a room at the back of the ship. The room had a single barrel, with a hole on the side.
"Now that's your solution", said the captain.
"So can I use the barrel everyday?"
"Everyday except Thursdays"
"Why not Thursday?"
"Because on Thursdays, your in the barrel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aar416/a_new_recruit_has_joined_the_navy/
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Obi-Wan: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Stormtrooper: They R2!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaqxa1/obiwan_these_arent_the_droids_youre_looking_for/
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Why are Good steaks hard to find?

Because it’s a rare medium well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaqwfg/why_are_good_steaks_hard_to_find/
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I used to be a butcher but I quit...

One day I backed up into the meat grinder,
I got a little behind in my work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaqvpd/i_used_to_be_a_butcher_but_i_quit/
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Vladimir Putin shows up in one of the Moscow's primary schools

After the welcoming ceremony there is some time for the students to ask the President a few questions
Little Sasha stands up and says:
I only have 2 questions:
1. Why did Russia take over the Crimea?
2. What are Russian soldiers doing in Ukraine?
Before Putin was able to say anything the bell suddenly rang, and all the students went for a break.
After the break, when everyone was back, a different student stood up and said:
Dear Mr President, I have only four questions:
1. Why did Russia take over the Crimea?
2. What are Russian soldiers doing in Ukraine?
3.  Why did the bell rang 20 minutes early?
4. Where is Sasha?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaqvkh/vladimir_putin_shows_up_in_one_of_the_moscows/
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Intelligent life forms

Why is it that when man searches for intelligent life forms they direct the sensors away from the earth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaqpcg/intelligent_life_forms/
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Whole world is ours

It was the year 2152, exactly 100 years after Obama has died. On that special anniversary he walked straight to god and asked him if he could get on earth for one day, to see how the USA has evolved since. God allowed that and sent him in New York.
In NY Obama went in a cafe and ordered some tea, when the barista got his tea he started a conversation;
O: So how is our country doing in this times, have we already acquired South Africa?
B: Not just South, but whole Africa.
O: Wow, what about Australia?
B: Of course, whole Australia is ours.
O: (surprised) Wow, what about Europe?
B: pffft of course we have, the whole earth is ours.
O: Nice, I will have to go now, how much do I have to pay for my tea?
B: 5 Russian rubles.
PS: I'm not a native English speaker so I apologize if the wording is a bit weird
PPS: I hope it wasn't posted here already, but if it was, I haven't seen it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaqibf/whole_world_is_ours/
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They should build the border wall with Hillary's emails

Because people can't seem to get over them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaqhai/they_should_build_the_border_wall_with_hillarys/
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One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire fighters could not get through.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaqgtm/one_dark_night_in_dublin_a_fire_started_inside/
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What do you call a blind german

A Not-see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaqcbv/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
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I found my best friend hiding under the bed sheets with my wife when I got home from work.

"What are you doing?" I asked.
He said, "Oh, I was just trying to get some sleep."
"You live next door," I replied. "How many fucking times do I have to remind you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaqbj5/i_found_my_best_friend_hiding_under_the_bed/
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What concert card costs only 45 cents?

50 cents featuring nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaqbaz/what_concert_card_costs_only_45_cents/
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Two guys got arrested last night...

One for eating car batteries, one for eating Fireworks.
One got Charged the other got let off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaqa77/two_guys_got_arrested_last_night/
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A kid asked his older brother what he could do to grow taller.

The brother told him to put lard on his head every day. So the kid said "Mom has some Crisco. Will that work?" And the brother said "No, stupid! That's shortening!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaq8hc/a_kid_asked_his_older_brother_what_he_could_do_to/
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As a homophobic, racist paedophile I can safely say...

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaq81u/as_a_homophobic_racist_paedophile_i_can_safely_say/
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Why did an old man fall into a well?

Because he couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaq5i5/why_did_an_old_man_fall_into_a_well/
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A man drives past a psychiatric hospital...

And one wheel falls off. He takes a spare tire and runs around the car unable to find wheel studs, while patients of the hospital sit on the fence staring at him. The man eventually gets tired and sits down on the road in despair.  So the patients ask him: “Can wheel still operate with only 3 studs?”  “Yea, of course it can”,- the man answers. “Then you should unscrew one stud from each wheel, and tighten them on the spare tire” “Thanks!”,- man really brightens up:” Tell me, how did you even get this idea?” “Well, we’re crazy, not retarded”
P.S. That’s a translation of the joke my friend told me. I’m sorry in advance for my English skill, as it is my second language. If you have any suggestions on how to improve this joke, please share your ideas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaq4oc/a_man_drives_past_a_psychiatric_hospital/
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There was once a woman with 90 children.

She had so many children that she decided, instead of giving them normal names, she would give them numbers. So the oldest was named One, and the youngest was named Ninety
One day, while everyone was asleep, a fire broke out in their house. Luckily, Ninety was able to wake up and flee the house unharmed. However, the fire department later told her that she was the only survivor. Her parents, along with children One to Eighty-nine, had burned to death. They were also able to discover that the fire has been caused by the family’s dog knocking over a candlestick, which fell on a stack of papers, setting the house on fire.
Ninety, only being 8 years old, was placed in an orphanage. Sadly, no one every adopted Ninety, and she grew up in the orphanage until she was an adult. Ninety had always blamed the dog for her family’s death. She felt that she would be living a normal life, instead of living in a orphanage, if it weren’t for that stupid dog.
Ninety’s life took a turn for the better when she left the orphanage, when she met a lovely young man named Dave. Dave and Ninety instantly fell in love, and got married six months after meeting each other. One year later, Dave and Ninety has their first child. They named him John, after Ninety’s father.
Years later, Dave and Ninety had two more children. They named them Jake and Phil. John, Jake, and Phil always got along great. Every weekend they would go out in the park and play ball. One day, when John, Jake, and Phil were at the park, they found a stray dog. These children loved the dog.
They played with it for the entire day, and wondered if they could keep it.
John reminded Jake and Phil about their mother’s hatred for dogs. Because of her family’s death because of their dog, there would be no way she would allow them to keep it. So the kids devised a plan. They would keep the dog in the basement, and every day, they would take turns going down to feed the dog. And they would name it “This”.
So whenever they were referring to it, they could say something like “go check on This” without arousing suspicion.
The plan worked perfectly for the following week. Everyone had their turn to check on This, and their parents never knew. Then, one day, after Phil’s turn to feed This, he forgot to shut the basement door.
The next day, when it was John’s turn, he saw that This had run away.
John, Jake, and Phil spend the next few days doing nothing but searching all across town for their dog. Eventually, after days and days without finding anything, they decided to call off the search.
Looking back, no one besides John, Jake and Phil knew about their dog. They never told their parents or their friends or anyone. No one else even knew that This had existed.
Only Ninety’s kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaq42l/there_was_once_a_woman_with_90_children/
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Since I was a young boy,

my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl.
As a teenage guy going through puberty, this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time, i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny.
She was a little too hipster punk for me, listening to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her.
As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commanded.
I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaq2y2/since_i_was_a_young_boy/
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Weird how almost all of the “lesbian” girls I went to school with are now dating men

Guess scissoring wasn't cutting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aapy1c/weird_how_almost_all_of_the_lesbian_girls_i_went/
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My friend asked me, “If you could have any superpower, which would you have?”

America,.. obviously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aapwvv/my_friend_asked_me_if_you_could_have_any/
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Noah's son walks into a kosher deli and orders a sandwich.

"Sorry," said the owner. "We don't serve Ham."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaptal/noahs_son_walks_into_a_kosher_deli_and_orders_a/
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Today is an exciting day. For the first time in my life, a girl winked at me.

She must have been extra interested. She used both her eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aapqd1/today_is_an_exciting_day_for_the_first_time_in_my/
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My buddy studied medicine for 7 years

Loved by the community.
But just one fuck-up and he can’t work any more.
He slept with a patient. Just the once.
He’ll be such a loss to the service. A lovely guy and a brilliant vet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aappd0/my_buddy_studied_medicine_for_7_years/
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A family enters a hotel for their holiday, the father goes up to the receptionist and says: "I hope the porn here is disabled.”

To which the receptionist replies: “It’s just regular porn, you sick man!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aapoa1/a_family_enters_a_hotel_for_their_holiday_the/
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What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aapmat/what_has_three_legs_and_four_arms/
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The pain of losing a sock is....

unpairable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aapjml/the_pain_of_losing_a_sock_is/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer..

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aapfjq/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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My wife told me vacation sex was the best...

Worst postcard ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aap30j/my_wife_told_me_vacation_sex_was_the_best/
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What is decor?

Its de center of de apple...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aap2ml/what_is_decor/
%
I told a woman that I liked her hair and asked if I could run my fingers through it. She said yes.

The fight started after I stroked her upper lip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aap014/i_told_a_woman_that_i_liked_her_hair_and_asked_if/
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Why do gay men have mustaches?

To hide the stretch marks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaovge/why_do_gay_men_have_mustaches/
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What do you call an identity stealing spaghetti?

An impasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaord9/what_do_you_call_an_identity_stealing_spaghetti/
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I just paid 300 dollars for a waiter to throw a steak across the restaurant into the bread basket on my table.

Kobe beef apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaom89/i_just_paid_300_dollars_for_a_waiter_to_throw_a/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver, who looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says:
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaojpr/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you

But smoking bacon will cure it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaogpm/smoking_will_kill_you_bacon_will_kill_you/
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I told my Manager today I could not come in cause I have "Anal Blindness.”

He asked, "What is Anal Blindness?" I told him, "It is me not seeing my ass coming to work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaocek/i_told_my_manager_today_i_could_not_come_in_cause/
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It's ironic...

Most anti-vax mothers are actually vaccinated.
Which, depending on what you believe, might explain their autism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaoadr/its_ironic/
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A ship wrecks and people get stranded on a deserted island....

...everyone start to panic and the captain says a ship will sail pass in a week and all will be saved by it. The passengers try to group themselves and each take an action so they have a place to stay, food to eat and are protected at night.
One man does not care and is lazying around in the beach. The leader of the group approaches him and asks why he is not being a team player and says we need all help to survive a week. The guy says, give it an hour and you will all be saved. An hour goes by and as mentioned a helicopter lands on the island. The leader asked how he did it and the guy says, today is day 60 of me not paying my loan and I knew the bank will come for me wherever in the world I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aao4ra/a_ship_wrecks_and_people_get_stranded_on_a/
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I went to a good restaurant on the Moon

Great food, no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aao2m9/i_went_to_a_good_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?

8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aao0sf/me_shaking_8_ball_will_tonights_party_be_amazing/
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What did the right ass cheek say to the left ass cheek?

Together, we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aanzdo/what_did_the_right_ass_cheek_say_to_the_left_ass/
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I saw a YouTube video where a magician had ten of his friends climb up on a platform, then he made them all disappear.

It was really amazing! A magician with friends!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aanra9/i_saw_a_youtube_video_where_a_magician_had_ten_of/
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Allways pay attention when you're working around propellers

If you don't, you'll be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aanqwz/allways_pay_attention_when_youre_working_around/
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I hated my job at the can crushing factory.

It was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aanpex/i_hated_my_job_at_the_can_crushing_factory/
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What did the leper say to the prositute?

Keep the tip
(Found on imgur)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aannaz/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prositute/
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Dads are like boomerangs

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aanf5p/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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Only amateurs gain weight during the holidays

Us, professionals gain weight during the entire year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aanehw/only_amateurs_gain_weight_during_the_holidays/
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Tried to take a picture of some fog.

Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aandvb/tried_to_take_a_picture_of_some_fog/
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What does a nosy pepper do?

It gets jalapeño buisness!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aancua/what_does_a_nosy_pepper_do/
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What does Batman get in his drinks?

Just ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aancjx/what_does_batman_get_in_his_drinks/
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What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but its flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aancau/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
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How does a train eat?

It goes "Chew Chew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aanb0r/how_does_a_train_eat/
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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunch break bell rings, Joe is really starving, completely forgets about Bruce and jumps back on the main scaffold without Joe as a counterweight, Bruce falls to his death on the street below.
A Frenchman, an Italian and an Australian are together eating in a restaurant.
Suddenly the Frenchman sits up and says "Frenchmen love women the most!" Of course the Italian disagrees "No, Italian men love women the most. Why just the other day I took my girlfriend out to the best restaurant, then I took her to a sold-out show and then we went to the best hotel in town. Where we made love all night long. I'd been working overtime and planning this for over a year". The Frenchman says "That's nothing, I took my girl to the most exclusive bar in town, where we drunk the best Champagne. I then took her for a carriage ride along the Montmartre and then to the finest restaurant in Paris, where we ate oysters and foie gras, salmon and beluga caviar. I then took her to the finest hotel in Paris and we made love for two days and two nights". The Australian then pipes up "Nah, you guys aren't even close. Australian men are the most crazy about women." At this, both the Frenchmen and the Italian both wear wry and sarcastic expressions. Before they can say anything, he holds up his hand, and the Australian says "Just hear me out, a year ago this drop dead gorgeous brunnette is walking down the street in a really skimpy outfit, mini skirt and all.  The next thing that me and my friends see, is this builder jumps off the top of this tall building, with his cock in his hand and he's screaming out:" "Cuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aanaux/nsfw_theres_a_crew_of_builders_working_on_a_high/
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Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the "P" is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aanasb/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
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The American flag that was planted on the moon has turned white due to solar radiation.

Now future historians will think the French got there first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aan9pz/the_american_flag_that_was_planted_on_the_moon/
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What happened to the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism...

He got repossessed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aan8c0/what_happened_to_the_guy_who_couldnt_pay_for_his/
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If single life is hard don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

You just have to weave through all the plastic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aan3wd/if_single_life_is_hard_dont_worry_there_are/
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I've been told male cows don't defecate,

But as you can clearly see, that's bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aan3sy/ive_been_told_male_cows_dont_defecate/
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Joke from my dad who undoubtedly heard it from his grandpa

Little Johnny was sitting his 2nd grade class learning about sentence structure. Little Johnny got the urge to relieve himself so he raised his hand and politely waited for the teacher to call on him.
“Yes Little Johnny?” the teacher asked.
“I need to take a piss” Little Johnny replied.
“The word is ‘urinate.’ Little Johnny, the word is ‘urinate,’ please use ‘urinate’ in a sentence” said the teacher.
Little Johnny thought for a minute then responded, “Well Mrs. Teacher, urinate, but if your tits were any bigger you’d be a ten.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aamzh6/joke_from_my_dad_who_undoubtedly_heard_it_from/
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What can you say at a funeral and in the bedroom?

I really wish they weren’t dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aamve3/what_can_you_say_at_a_funeral_and_in_the_bedroom/
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Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day.

Give a man a poisoned fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aamt68/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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I like my sex like I like my wine

barely mature and from a secure location under my house.
Too far?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aamsfl/i_like_my_sex_like_i_like_my_wine/
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Three builders are working on top of a new skyscraper (long)

The lunchtime buzzer sounds and they all open their lunchboxes.
1st Builder: "Huh, cheese and pickle sandwiches AGAIN! Every damn day I open my lunch and it's cheese and bastard pickle! If I get cheese and pickle again tomorrow i swear I'm gonna... I'm gonna jump off this skyscraper!"
2nd Builder: "Ham and Mustard? HAM AND MUSTARD AGAIN! Every damn day I open my lunch and it's Ham and bloody Mustard! If I get Ham and Mustard again tomorrow i swear I'm gonna jump off this skyscraper too!"
3rd Builder: "Beef and Onion on brown bread? Beef and onion AGAIN! Every damn day I open my lunch and it's Beef and chuffing onion! If I get beef and onion again tomorrow i swear I'm gonna jump off this skyscraper as well!
The next day they open their lunch boxes and one by one they sigh, walk slowly over to the edge and jump off to their deaths.
One week later it's their joint funeral.
The three builder's wives are all stood around the graves weeping.
Wife 1: " if only he told me he didn't like cheese and pickle, I'd have made him something else!"
Wife 2: "if only he told me he didn't care for Ham and mustard, I'd have made something different"
Wife 3, crying her eyes out: "He made his own sandwiches".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aamnp7/three_builders_are_working_on_top_of_a_new/
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I was watching a weird porn

I watching a weird porn the other day. It was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time. Then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.
(Credit to Gary Delaney)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aamnjt/i_was_watching_a_weird_porn/
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A couple is about to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary.

The old man goes down to a lingerie store and picks out a sheer little number for his wife.
At home after their anniversary dinner, he gives her the lingerie and tells her to go try it on.
The old lady goes into the bathroom to change, but then says to herself, "That old fart is blind as a bat, I'm just gonna come out wearing nothing at all."
She steps back into the bedroom, and he looks her up and down, then he frowns and says,
"For fifty bucks, I'd have thought they'd iron it."
.
.
My grandpa loved telling this joke; my grandma did not approve.
I miss you two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aamiu5/a_couple_is_about_to_celebrate_their_60th_wedding/
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Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven.
On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aamie8/bill_clinton_and_the_pope_die_on_the_same_day_and/
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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is this possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aamhop/guy_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_we/
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An Honest Mistake

A truck driver is pulled over for having an unsecure load of donkeys on his trailer.
When the cop asks him why he pulled him over, he replies:
"I'm sorry sir, I didn't realize it was illegal to haul ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aamhog/an_honest_mistake/
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You can't find an honest blacksmith these days!

They always forge their stuff!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aamfyj/you_cant_find_an_honest_blacksmith_these_days/
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Remember: Sex on a regular basis

Helps keep your memory alive and strong.
I wish you all a great 2016.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aamc5w/remember_sex_on_a_regular_basis/
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What do you get if you steal the same joke every day for a month?

About 3K karma, 30 gold, hate from u/i_8_the_Internet, and a ban from r/jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aam8zf/what_do_you_get_if_you_steal_the_same_joke_every/
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I wish I hadn't started browsing Reddit on the toilet

It makes it take so much longer to get shit done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aam8yj/i_wish_i_hadnt_started_browsing_reddit_on_the/
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A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.

So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over.
About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing.
The guy looks nervously at the dog.
"So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand.
"Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done."
The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy.
"Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks.
"Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks *me* off, shoot the fucking dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aam362/a_guy_hears_a_noise_on_his_roof_he_goes_outside/
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Why can’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aam13v/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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My doctor says I should cut back on sodium

...but I dunno, I take everything she says with a grain of salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aalygo/my_doctor_says_i_should_cut_back_on_sodium/
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So the popular joke of the morning is the whale blowjob.... I got you!

So a couple of years ago two sharks were swimming along and came across a small party boat that was sinking. One shark says to the other, lets swim around and show them one fin, that will scare them. So they make a few laps, sure enough giving the party on board a good scare. The sharks hang around and the boat finally slips below, the shark then tell his partner lets make a few more laps while showing both our fins as that would really scare those floating together; then we will feast! So the sharks make a half dozen laps terrorizing the people, then devouring every person until there was noting left but sinking chum! The sharks are wore out but have full bellies. The one shark ask the other why they had to do all the laps instead of just feasting! The head shark tell him that they taste better when they are not full of shit!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aalyc6/so_the_popular_joke_of_the_morning_is_the_whale/
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If you brag about the proportions of your dick on a date, carefully watch her reaction.

Because sighs matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aalwkg/if_you_brag_about_the_proportions_of_your_dick_on/
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Ever since I failed Calculus I can’t go into the woods

There’s too many natural logs for my liking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaltka/ever_since_i_failed_calculus_i_cant_go_into_the/
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There are no "shit-hole" countries

Just turd-world ones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aalpee/there_are_no_shithole_countries/
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NSFW My wife brought me a fitness watch for Christmas....

Apparently I wanked for 5 miles last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aalo50/nsfw_my_wife_brought_me_a_fitness_watch_for/
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A baby whale asks his father a question.

SON: Dad, where did I come from?
DAD: [fine, I'll tell him.] Son, you came from my penis.
SON: Thanks dad.
DAD: You're whalecum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaln77/a_baby_whale_asks_his_father_a_question/
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I got fired from calendar factory

All I did is take a day off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aallfz/i_got_fired_from_calendar_factory/
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Three managers worked in the same office at the top of an 80-storey office building.

One day, they were forced to take the stairs all the way up because the elevator wasn't working. One of them suggested telling one another stories in order to take their minds of their tiredness.
As they were walking up, the first manager told the story about how he met his wife.
At the 40th floor, the second manager told a story about his last job.
At the 60th floor, the third manager said, "I'll tell you a really sad story. I forgot the key to the office."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aall5d/three_managers_worked_in_the_same_office_at_the/
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Neighborly visit

Sam has been in sales for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 10 acres of land in Alabama as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner  when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded and burly hillbilly standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from two miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday at 7... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some
drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the sales business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some
fightin' too."
"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll
be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these
parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six
months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be
me and you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aalig0/neighborly_visit/
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Why do farts smell so bad?

So the deaf can enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aalgte/why_do_farts_smell_so_bad/
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Doctors have determined the leading cause of dry skin.

Towels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aalg7w/doctors_have_determined_the_leading_cause_of_dry/
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A blonde was on vacation in............

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aalfqy/a_blonde_was_on_vacation_in/
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Date Night

A married couple go out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty  years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
The husband says,  "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aalc3r/date_night/
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My wife walked into the lounge after she heard me grunting.

She looked at me on the floor, sweating, with baubles around me. "Why the fuck are you wrestling with our Christmas tree?" she asked.
I said, "Because you told me to take it down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aalbhp/my_wife_walked_into_the_lounge_after_she_heard_me/
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A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city.

He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more  surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar  and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you  jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam  a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me  slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes  to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just  above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few  minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He  slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t  slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you really are an asshole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aalal5/a_guy_sits_at_a_bar_in_a_skyscraper_restaurant/
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I told my friend I was gonna open a bakery specializing in Indian bread.

He asked me what I was going to name it.
I told him it's "Naan of your business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aal9fy/i_told_my_friend_i_was_gonna_open_a_bakery/
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I'm always amazed at how a cat can lick his own nuts.

So I decided to try to do it myself... but he bit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aal8d8/im_always_amazed_at_how_a_cat_can_lick_his_own/
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A successful man is one who...

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aal7ix/a_successful_man_is_one_who/
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I used to work at an unemployment office...

which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aal4fn/i_used_to_work_at_an_unemployment_office/
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I tried to catch sone fog yesterday,

But I mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aal2sn/i_tried_to_catch_sone_fog_yesterday/
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I looked up the nearest recycling center in my area in google maps and asked for directions

It opened up this subreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aal1e2/i_looked_up_the_nearest_recycling_center_in_my/
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Sex can be really dangerous

You can get Herpes, Chlamydia, HIV or even worse.... a relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aal0lq/sex_can_be_really_dangerous/
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Have you heard the joke where Jesus tips over with the cross?

It was quickly reposted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakynp/have_you_heard_the_joke_where_jesus_tips_over/
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Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakvq3/breaking_news_bill_gates_has_agreed_to_pay_for/
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Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakvh8/once_upon_a_time_in_the_magical_fantasy_kingdom/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakv5n/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
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My friend asked me if she wore too much make up.

I said it depends on whether or not you're trying to kill Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakti3/my_friend_asked_me_if_she_wore_too_much_make_up/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakt7l/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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I lost my job at the sperm bank today

I was drinking on the job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakryj/i_lost_my_job_at_the_sperm_bank_today/
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What do you call a group of visually impaired midgets?

Mini-blinds
*Before anyone gets offended, this joke will either go over their head, or they won’t even see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakrl1/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_visually_impaired/
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One of my favorite jokes

A man wakes up in a dingy slum with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakmr2/one_of_my_favorite_jokes/
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My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday.

He was caught in a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakmmz/my_pet_mouse_elvis_died_yesterday/
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What happened to the stuttering prisoner?

He didn't finish his sentence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakmi7/what_happened_to_the_stuttering_prisoner/
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Grandad and hos granson

A grandad and his grandson was on a fishing boat. The grandad takes a cookie out. The grandson asks can he have one? The grandad asked "can your dick touch your ass?". The grandson says "no". The grandad says "then you cant have one then".
A couple of years pass....
The two are on the boat fishing. The grandad takes a beer out. The grandson asks him fotr a beer. The grandad asks him can his dick touch hos ass. The grandson smugly says "yes I can". The the grandad goes:
"Then you can go fuck yourself".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaklyt/grandad_and_hos_granson/
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Points of view

A Priest is talking to a kid,he says:"is always better give than receive" and the kid replies:"my dad says this everyday!" And the priest:" oh,your father is a good person, what's his job?" "He is a boxer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakke2/points_of_view/
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What do you call a three legged cow?

Lean beef.
What do you call a one legged cow?
Ground beef.
What do you call a two legged cow?
Michelle. She’s my ex wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakhur/what_do_you_call_a_three_legged_cow/
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What would happen if an Ice Cream’s feet are cut off?

It would lack toes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakdpm/what_would_happen_if_an_ice_creams_feet_are_cut/
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The word “you” is made up entirely of vowels.

Yeah it’s not a joke, but when I tried to upload it to r/showerthoughts, I was told that wordplay wasn’t accepted. So here we are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aakbeg/the_word_you_is_made_up_entirely_of_vowels/
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What do you call a smug criminal walking down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aak910/what_do_you_call_a_smug_criminal_walking_down_a/
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My New Year's resolution for 2019 is to not do things prematurely.

So far it's going well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aak8vc/my_new_years_resolution_for_2019_is_to_not_do/
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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aak855/on_their_50th_anniversary_a_woman_asks_her/
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The Duchess and the Butler.

The  Duchess arrived home early having imbibed a little too much wine. When  about to enter her bedroom she noticed her butler Jeeves down the  hallway.
"Jeeves," she called, "Come here immediately," Yes Ma'am," answered Jeeves.
She  sat on the bed and asked Jeeves to sit beside her. Jeeves, you've been a  faithful servant to me for 20 years now, and I would like to ask you to  not to be offended by my request."
"yes, Ma'am"
Duchess,"Jeeves, Please take off my shoes"
Jeeves," Yes Ma'am"
"now take off my stockings"
"Yes Ma'am"
"Please remove my dress "
"Also take off my bra and panties"
"As you request Ma'am"
" Thank you Jeeves, can I ask one more thing?"
Yes, Ma'am"
"Don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again, understand?"
"yes, ma'am".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aak61k/the_duchess_and_the_butler/
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I can't believe that even in 2018, I can't wear my mini skirt to work..

And the only "reason" for that is apparently my dick is showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aak5fl/i_cant_believe_that_even_in_2018_i_cant_wear_my/
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I had 2 chinese friend, who were twins.

One day, a bully came up to him and demanded their lunch money, but they quickly beat the bully up.
The bully really messed with the Wong kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aak1tx/i_had_2_chinese_friend_who_were_twins/
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My favorite sex position.

So me and my girl were talking about previous lovers and what our favorite sex position was in our last relationship as well as our ex's favorite. So she went first and said that her ex-boyfriend's favorite position was doggy-style because he could grab her by her hips and really get in deep. She said hers was missionary because she could stare into his eyes and watch him make love to her. When it came time for my answer i kept it short and simple. I said that my ex's favorite was reverse cowgirl and that mine was "Batman." She asked me what "Batman" was and I simply responded. "Oh yeah i forgot i never told you what that is. It's where you kill her parents."
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have dated sisters back-to-back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aak1nz/my_favorite_sex_position/
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My Doctor has just diagnosed me as paranoid...

Well, she didn't say that, but I know the bitch was thinking it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aajzxx/my_doctor_has_just_diagnosed_me_as_paranoid/
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My wife got really mad at me earlier when I tried to force feed our young son...

"Just use a spoon!" she screamed. "You're not a Jedi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aajywx/my_wife_got_really_mad_at_me_earlier_when_i_tried/
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If you're a teenage girl and you need to visit the mall to get supplies for art class, just say so.

Don't turn to your dad as you leave the house and say "I'm going to the mall to get felt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aajtme/if_youre_a_teenage_girl_and_you_need_to_visit_the/
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Who called it Vagina?

_and not cockpit_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aajszm/who_called_it_vagina/
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What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and sunday.
The rest are weekdays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aajsxp/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
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What do you call Amy Schumer with a rape whistle?

Optimistic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aajq2c/what_do_you_call_amy_schumer_with_a_rape_whistle/
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Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision.

Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aajoyl/breaking_stormi_daniels_reaction_to_president/
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Why can't orphans play baseball?

They can never find home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aajlbz/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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A young smoker goes to the convenience store..

... and buys a pack of cigarettes. As he is about to exit the store he reads the warning label on the pack:
“Warning: Smoking causes impotence”
He turns around and asks the cashier:
-can you give me a pack of the ones that cause cancer instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aajksp/a_young_smoker_goes_to_the_convenience_store/
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What kind of Shoes do Linguists wear?

Converse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aajhq2/what_kind_of_shoes_do_linguists_wear/
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What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Their balls are for decoration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aajgc7/what_do_a_christmas_tree_and_a_priest_have_in/
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Two men walk into a pastry shop.

While the clerk is busy, on man, Don, reaches behind the glass cover and grabs three pastries and stuffs them in his pocket.
"See how easy this is?" Don says to John. I've never paid for a pastry in fifteen years, and I come here every day. I'd like to see you beat that."
John accepts the challenge and walks yo the counter.
"Wanna see a magic trick?" John says.
The clerk nods.
"Give me a pastry and you will see."
The clerk hands John a pastry. He eats it and asks for another.
The clerk hands him another. He eats it and asks the clerk for another. The clerk seems skeptical, but she hands him another.
As John swallows the last pastry, and grins.
"Now, if my friend, Don, will show us his pockets..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aajg5a/two_men_walk_into_a_pastry_shop/
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A man was sitting alone at a football game...

He was sitting alone in the members stand watching his team.
The other members saw him and decided to go see why he was alone.
"Why didn't you bring your wife to the game?" They asked.
"She passed away" He replied.
"Oh no that is terrible, we are really very sorry to hear that. Why didn't you bring a mate?" They asked.
"I would have but they are all at the funeral".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aajbzn/a_man_was_sitting_alone_at_a_football_game/
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A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said “excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag”

“that adds up” she said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaj92a/a_girl_had_her_bag_open_and_a_calculator_fell_out/
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Doctor: You have to take these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: but there's only four pills in here doctor...
Doctor: Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaiw9w/doctor_you_have_to_take_these_pills_for_the_rest/
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What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?

About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaiw3k/what_do_you_get_if_you_tell_the_same_joke_every/
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Two medieval instruments are having a conversation

"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first.
"I'm a lute." Says the second.
"No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!"
The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaivyd/two_medieval_instruments_are_having_a_conversation/
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Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey?

He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaips9/why_doesnt_jesus_play_hockey/
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Bears in Bars in Butte, Montana

One beautiful springtime day, a bear wakes up after a long winter's sleep, smacks his lips, and decides he's going to go to town to get a beer.
Just so happens that this bear's home is nearby Butte, Montana, and he found it pretty easy to find a bar. He walks on in, takes a stool, lays his big furry paws on the bar and says, "Hello, barkeep. I just woke up from a long winter sleep and I've a hankering for a beer. Might you serve me up one of your finest brews?"
Bartender looks at the bear apologetically and says, "I'm sorry to break it to you. New city ordinance... we can no longer serve beers to bears in bars in Butte, Montana. "
The bear was miffed and a bit in shock, but he left the bar and thought for a while outside. He decided he was going to go a bit down the road here and see if the next bar would serve him.
Next bar he found, he sauntered inside, hulked over the bar and was a bit less polite this time. "BARKEEP! Get me a BEER!"
The bartender was a bit jostled by this angry bear in his bar, but he stuck to his guns, telling the bear that he was now unable to serve beers to bears in bars in Butte, Montana.
The bear growled and grumbled to himself as he stomped away, and stood for a moment outside thinking to himself that he was going to get a beer, whatever he had to do. He skulked off to find a third and final bar where he WOULD be getting his beer come hell or high water.
THIS bar actually had a sign outside on the door that said, "NEW CITY ORDINANCE, NO BEER WILL BE SERVED TO BEARS IN BARS IN BUTTE, MONTANA," and this made the bear furious.
The bear tore the door off the establishment and lumbered over to the bartender, who, unlike everyone else in the establishment, was cool as a cucumber. "Hello, mister bear! Can I get you a soda?"
The bear says, "YOU'RE GOING TO SERVE ME A BEER."
Bartender says, "sorry, we don't sell beers to bears in bars in Butte, Montana."
The bear says, "You WILL SERVE ME A BEER OR I WILL EAT THE WOMAN AT THE END OF THE BAR." He motioned to the weathered old regular at the end of the bar, as she quivered, terrified.
The Bartender looks at the woman, looks at the bear, shrugs and says, "sorry. We can't sell beers to..."
And before he could finish his sentence, the bear was upon the woman, ripping her apart limb from limb, consuming all her fleshy bits until there was nothing but carcass on the barroom floor.
The bear says, "NOW SERVE ME A BEER OR YOU'RE NEXT."
The bartender, unshook, shakes his head sadly and says, "sorry. We don't sell beers to bears on drugs in bars in Butte, Montana."
The bear is confused and frustrated and angry, throws his shaggy paws up into the air in disbelief and slams them onto the bar. "DRUGS??? DRUGS??? I'm NOT on DRUGS!"
The bartender nodded solemnly, explaining, "that was a bar-bitch-u-ate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaiocj/bears_in_bars_in_butte_montana/
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"You've woken up on the wrong side of the bed," said my wife.

"Shut up," I replied, "and get this mattress off me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aai950/youve_woken_up_on_the_wrong_side_of_the_bed_said/
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My friend who is a feminist told me all guys are pigs...

I responded by saying, I thought men and women are equal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aai7q0/my_friend_who_is_a_feminist_told_me_all_guys_are/
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10 is a criminal Mastermind.

It was in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aai6lo/10_is_a_criminal_mastermind/
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My mother tucks me in every night....

She has always wanted a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aai5pd/my_mother_tucks_me_in_every_night/
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I told my Biology lab partner to let me be her DNA helicase...

So I can unzip those genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aai5c8/i_told_my_biology_lab_partner_to_let_me_be_her/
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I don’t understand why people are mad at lazy people

They didn’t even do anything in the first place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aai5a7/i_dont_understand_why_people_are_mad_at_lazy/
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I went to a stage production the other night called "Puns."

It was a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aai07b/i_went_to_a_stage_production_the_other_night/
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Why do only good kids get Christmas presents?

Because Santa comes with a Clause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahz4o/why_do_only_good_kids_get_christmas_presents/
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What’s the opposite of straight A’s?

Gay bees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahy64/whats_the_opposite_of_straight_as/
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As much as I like jokes about anti-vax kids, I don't think they'll be around for much longer...

The kids I mean, not the jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahxi0/as_much_as_i_like_jokes_about_antivax_kids_i_dont/
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If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahx8e/if_you_drink_2_glasses_of_kale_juice_daily_it/
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Professor of Logic

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living.
The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"
"Logic," the professor reponds.
"What is that?" the neighbor inquires.
"Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"
"Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds.
"And you have children too, right?" says the professor.
"Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor.
"So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?'' proclaims the professor.
"Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"
"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if your married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!"
The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.
"What's he like?"
"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."
"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"
"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend.
"Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gay!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahvwf/professor_of_logic/
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EA:It's only in the game

If you pay for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahuxc/eaits_only_in_the_game/
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What's a baptism in a toilet called?

Dipshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahue7/whats_a_baptism_in_a_toilet_called/
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A heck of a bird is a Pelican

It's beak can hold more than its Bellycan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahreo/a_heck_of_a_bird_is_a_pelican/
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So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day...

An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahnep/so_i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_my_very_first_day/
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3 dead men

(Note: buckel the fuck up because this is a long one)
There are three dead men next to each other on the stairway to heaven. They decide to all share their stories on how they died, one man goes first.
"I live on the 22nd floor on a 30 floor building. I had suspected my wife had been cheating on me for some time but never caught them together. One day I come home from work and my wife is in bed. I walk in and only see my wife, but it was obvious someone else was here. I check our apartment and sure enough, he was hanging of the end of the balcony. I beat his hands until he falls. However he landed in a large bush so I suspect he's not dead. I go inside, grab the fridge and throw it down on him. Then I die of a heart attack from my high blood pressure. Then I appeared here."
The next man goes. "I live on the 23rd floor of a 30 floor building when one day when I was doing my exercises on my balcony, I slip and fall off. Luckily I manage to grab onto the lower floors balcony when a man comes out. I expect him to help me up but he started to punch my hands and I fall. I landed on somthing kind of soft, I'm not dead but heavily injured. But then I see a fridge fall out of one of the floors and it hit me. Now I'm here."
The last man now goes. "Well I was hiding in a fridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahk1w/3_dead_men/
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What kind of punch takes out 20 kids and 6 adults?

A sandy hook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahhk8/what_kind_of_punch_takes_out_20_kids_and_6_adults/
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I went to a zoo today that only had one dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahe55/i_went_to_a_zoo_today_that_only_had_one_dog/
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World’s strongest man

The local pub was so sure that it’s bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money.
Many people had tried over time, but nobody could get out another drop.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet. “
After the laughter has died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon to the little man.
The crowds laughter turned to complete silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the little man the $1000 and asked, “what do you do for a living? Lumberjack? Weightlifter? What?”
The man replied, “Nope. I’m a tax collector. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahc9t/worlds_strongest_man/
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A farmer is talking with a man

Farmer: What do you call a mammal that has been fucked by Jesus?
Man: Holy cow what is wrong with you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahbun/a_farmer_is_talking_with_a_man/
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What did one of the prostitute’s knees say to the other?

How come we spend so little time together?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahay4/what_did_one_of_the_prostitutes_knees_say_to_the/
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Girl in a job interview is asked

what her weakness is.
“I can’t help being honest,” she says.
Boss smiles and says “well around here we don’t really think that’s a weakness at all.”
She replies “I don’t give a fuck what you think.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aahaip/girl_in_a_job_interview_is_asked/
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Do you know why dark is written with "k" and not with "c"?

Because you can't see in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aah63h/do_you_know_why_dark_is_written_with_k_and_not/
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Two antennas met on a roof and fell in love...

The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aah2bt/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof_and_fell_in_love/
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A priest, a rabbi, and an imam are talking.

The priest accuses the Jews of killing Jesus.
"No, no" says the Rabbi, "it was the Muslims."
The imam replies, "You fool, there were no Muslims 2000 years ago."
The rabbi responds, "Thank you, now let's talk about Jerusalem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aah0mz/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_an_imam_are_talking/
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Those one percent-ers make me so mad.

Put some proper milk in your coffee, people!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aagz9w/those_one_percenters_make_me_so_mad/
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Once upon a time, there was a man named Really...

This man, though not exactly stunning, was so incredibly charming he could basically get whoever he wanted. Really, however, was particularly in the mood for sex once he turned 18 and turned to the apps to find a date to fulfill his needs.
He swiped right on a few chicks. Cary, Anna, Beth, Jordin, matching with only a select few whom rarely responded anyway.
A few days passed, he’d gone on no dates, had no meaningful conversation, and began to feel hopeless. When, almost through the force of his own will, the “You got a new match! 😍😍😍” appeared on his screen for the first time that day. Eagerly, he opened his screen and found a profile of a very average brunette he’d swiped on mindlessly a few days ago simply named “Bad.”
They began to chat, and, after a few shared compliments and successful pickup lines, they decided to go on a date.
Things were going well, Really was nervous as he’d never been so interested in a girl so quickly whom he’d thought was also interested in him. She arrives and dinner goes well, they flirt throughout the evening and Really even offers to pay the monumental check. Really, in a blissful stupor, hastily asks his date back to his place for some drinks and dancing. She gladly agrees and they begin to head back to Really’s apartment.
On their way they bump hands and slowly get closer and closer until they’re all but making out in front of Really’s bedroom door.
This was a great story.
The punchline though is Really fucking Bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aagxhy/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_man_named_really/
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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a nymphomaniac with diarrhea?

One fucks while she shits, one shucks while she fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aagvfc/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
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So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter

Which sucks because he had a great fall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aagr18/so_far_humpty_dumpty_is_having_a_terrible_winter/
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I recently quit working as a midwife to become a comedian...

Turns out my skillset is pretty transferable.
It’s all in the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aagoth/i_recently_quit_working_as_a_midwife_to_become_a/
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I used to have a fear of vaulting...

But then I got over it.
(Vaulting as in gymnastics)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aagnvj/i_used_to_have_a_fear_of_vaulting/
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A woman walks into a fancy and very expensive jewellery store.

She browses around and spots a beautiful diamond necklace. Curious, she walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to take a closer look, she accidentally and unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously and hopes that no one noticed or heard her little accident.
She turns around and to her horror, the salesman is standing right behind her.
The woman tries not to panic as the salesman begins talking to her.
“Good day to you, madam,” he says. “How can we help you today?”
Convinced that the salesman didn’t hear her break wind, she asks him how much the diamond necklace is.
“Madam, let me just say that if the sight of it made you fart, you’ll probably crap yourself when I tell you the price.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aagm65/a_woman_walks_into_a_fancy_and_very_expensive/
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People make fake IDs to get into bars. That’s all well and good but I’d rather have 365 IDs that have different birthdays on them so I could get free desserts at every restaurant I go to

Just makes sense really

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aagkkr/people_make_fake_ids_to_get_into_bars_thats_all/
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A cyclops asks his wife,

“How do you spell Hawaii?”
His wife looks down, bites her lip and replies,” well....you need two i’s.”
“My life’s a fucking joke to you...isn’t it Linda?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aagjix/a_cyclops_asks_his_wife/
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Spice up your sex life.

Habanero infused condoms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aagir3/spice_up_your_sex_life/
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A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
Some things you just can't explain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaggx2/a_farmer_was_sitting_in_the_neighborhood_bar/
%
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaggs6/whats_the_difference_between_the_bird_flu_and_the/
%
Why are there no Walmart’s in Iraq?

Too many targets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aagfde/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_iraq/
%
My Mexican friend had to stop smoking weed

He kept on getting hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aagdy3/my_mexican_friend_had_to_stop_smoking_weed/
%
Two aircraft mechanics get off work

at la Guardia, and one says, "Let's go have a beer". The other says, "Why don't we try drinking jet fuel? I hear it tastes like whiskey, and you don't have a hangover in the morning."
So they drink about a quart of it each. It tastes great and they have a good time. The next morning, one of them calls up the other and says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
"I feel great."
"Me too. No hangover. Just one thing, have you farted yet?"
"No..."
"Well don't! I'm calling from Phoenix!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aagce6/two_aircraft_mechanics_get_off_work/
%
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.

After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later.
The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aagbtm/two_arab_guys_move_to_the_us_and_they_have_a/
%
Santa Claus and Karl Marx are pretty similar when you think about it.

They both have long beards, re distribute items for free, and we all stop believing in them at a young age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aag7ku/santa_claus_and_karl_marx_are_pretty_similar_when/
%
The bet

Me: Bet you $10 you can't fit my dick in your mouth without gagging.
Her: That's a bet you're gonna lose.
Me: *unzips
Her: Yeah, no prob. *kneels, begins
Me: If you feel something rough it's just a scab...
Her: *gags
Me: I won...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aag6sw/the_bet/
%
My wife went out today, so I had my hands full watching our daughter. She's kind of a whirling dervish, running around, bouncing off the walls, when suddenly, she stopped to play with my computer, broke the R button and tried to eat it...

She craves anarchy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aag62e/my_wife_went_out_today_so_i_had_my_hands_full/
%
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aag50h/what_kind_of_shoes_do_ninjas_wear/
%
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?

There is no menu. You get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aag1zz/did_you_hear_about_the_new_restaurant_in_town/
%
What's the difference between God and a surgeon?

God doesn't think he's a surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaftyj/whats_the_difference_between_god_and_a_surgeon/
%
Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and her brother Bill are at Mulder's house party. They all gather around a pizza box with only 3 slices left.

SCULLY: Mulder, there isn't enough for each of us to have two. You'll have to share.
MULDER: I want two. Bill, leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aafszj/fox_mulder_dana_scully_and_her_brother_bill_are/
%
In that case the wife needs to apologize...

A woman gets home and finds the husband, in bed, with another woman, 25 years old, pretty, nice curves... She was mad, and she did everything to show it, but the husband interrupts her:
&nbsp;
-You should first listen to how this all happened... I found this young lady in the street, mistreated, tired, and hungry. Then, sorry for her state, I brought her home. I served her the dinner I made specially for you yesterday, but you didn't eat because of the diet, and I stored it in the fridge, remember?
&nbsp;
She was barefoot, so I gave her those shoes that, since it was my mother that gave them, you never used.
&nbsp;
She was thirsty and I served her that wine that was saved... for that Saturday that you promised but never arrives... yeah, always with that headache, tired and with so much to do.
&nbsp;
The pants were ripped, so I gave her those new jeans that I offered you and you never used. You told me that they didn't go well.
&nbsp;
As she was dirty, I suggested her to take a bath.... At the end, I gave her that brand new french perfume that you never used because it wasn't your favourite brand.
&nbsp;
Finally, when she was already satisfied, she asked:
-Sir, don't you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aafp6c/in_that_case_the_wife_needs_to_apologize/
%
3 men are traveling at night in the country when their car breaks down.

They see a house and push the car into the gravel drive way.
One of men goes to the door and rings the door bell. A farmer and his daughter answer the door and the man explains the situation.
The farmer agrees to let the 3 of them stay in his barn overnight just as long as they don't talk to his daughter.
Over the course of the night the daughter heads to the barn and has sex with the 3 men. The farmer goes to check on the men only to find his daughter in the middle of the act.
He runs to the house, grabs his shot gun, heads back outside and confronts the men. "All of you outside now!". He brings 3 chairs and has them sit in them. He tells the men "Go to the garden and pick your favorite fruit". The men are confused but follow the farmers instructions and head to the garden.
The 1st man comes back with a Strawberry. The farmer says "Now stick it up your ass." The man pleads but ends up shoving the Strawberry up his butt.
The 2nd man comes back with an Orange. The farmer says "Now stick it up your ass." The man is terrified and starts screaming as he attempts to put it up his ass. Than he starts cracking up laughing. The farmer starts to yell at him but he keeps on laughing.
Pissed off, the Farmer fires a shot in the air and says "You better tell me what the hell is so funny or I'll blow your head off!"
The man says "Here comes Joe with a Watermelon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aafn70/3_men_are_traveling_at_night_in_the_country_when/
%
Having sex often keeps your memory sharp.

With that, I wish you all a productive 2015!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aafmst/having_sex_often_keeps_your_memory_sharp/
%
Not all maths puns are terrible.

Just sum...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaflet/not_all_maths_puns_are_terrible/
%
My parents made me walk the plank as a kid

We couldn't afford a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aafky1/my_parents_made_me_walk_the_plank_as_a_kid/
%
"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes, we arson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aafgwz/dad_are_we_pyromaniacs/
%
What’s a meth addicts favorite game?

Need for speed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aafdry/whats_a_meth_addicts_favorite_game/
%
Teacher: "Ok it's time for sex ed"

Ed: "I hate this class..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aafc0b/teacher_ok_its_time_for_sex_ed/
%
My New Years resolution for 2019 is to be more assertive

if that's okay with you guys?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaf9pg/my_new_years_resolution_for_2019_is_to_be_more/
%
Now that's class!

A woman hears the doorbell, and when she opens the door, the man outside asks her:
-Do you have a vagina?
Scared and ashamed, she slams the door on his face.
The next morning, the doorbell rings, it's the same man that asks her the same question.
Furious, she slams the door on his face again.
On the third day, the same thing happens.
When the husband returns from work at night, she finally tells him what's been happening.
Feeling outraged, he makes a plan:
My love, tomorrow I'm not going to work. If that idiot appears, I hide, you answer, and then I show up and kick his ass.
The next morning, the doorbell rings, and the husband, before hiding, says to his wife:
-If it's him, answer with a yes, just so we know what he has to say.
She answers the door, and there is the same man with the same old question:
-Do you have a vagina?
She answers:
-Yes, I have.
-Oh..., great! Then be so kind as to ask your husbad to stop using my wife's and start using yours. Have a nice day and thank you so much for the attention. Bye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaf7vk/now_thats_class/
%
What’s the difference between my cock and Tiny Tim?

Tim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaf7ej/whats_the_difference_between_my_cock_and_tiny_tim/
%
My claim to fame is that I once met John Lennon on a train when we were both young men.

"John," I said. "Can you imagine all the people sharing all the world?"
He thought about it for a minute, then shook my hand. "Thank you," he said, "one day I might just write a song about this moment."
And he did, the rarely heard album track "Some Random Cunt I Met On A Train One Day".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaf6lo/my_claim_to_fame_is_that_i_once_met_john_lennon/
%
“What’s a couple?” I asked my mum

“Two or three,” she answered, which is probably why her marriage collapsed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaf6g9/whats_a_couple_i_asked_my_mum/
%
A pessimist and an optimist are at a bar having a drink.

The pessimist says "things couldn't be going any worse for me right now".  The optimist says, "yeah they could".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaf5sf/a_pessimist_and_an_optimist_are_at_a_bar_having_a/
%
What do you call 100 dead lawyers?

A good start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaf4sb/what_do_you_call_100_dead_lawyers/
%
What does a cancer clock sound like?

Tik-Tok... Tik-Tok... Tik-Tok...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaf0iw/what_does_a_cancer_clock_sound_like/
%
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotchman are marooned on an island

John, Mick, and McTavish have been stuck on the island for a very long time, and all have grown long beards.
One day while exploring, John discovered an old type of lamp, like an oil lamp.
Mick saw it and said "It could be an ol' genie! rub it a few times"
John rubs the lamp three times, a puff of green smoke emerges followed by "I am the great genie! and i grant you three wishes!"
McTavish takes the first wish
"A'm waantin' tae be at hame swallyin whiskey 'n' sportin' mah kilt in a howf wi' a' mah mukkers"
The genie says "I grant you the first wish!"
In a puff of green smoke, McTavish is gone, back at home in a pub drinking with his friends while wearing his kilt.
John takes the second wish, "I wish i was back at home with all me friends"
"And i grant you the second wish!"
Mick takes the third and last wish, "I'm a bit lonely i want all me friends back"
"And i grant you the last wish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaf07w/an_englishman_irishman_and_scotchman_are_marooned/
%
I have an irrational fear of overly engineered buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaey98/i_have_an_irrational_fear_of_overly_engineered/
%
My girlfriend keeps calling me cheap

But I ain't buying it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaex2w/my_girlfriend_keeps_calling_me_cheap/
%
A priest, a blonde and a lawyer walk into a bar.

The bartender says "what is this, a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaeuud/a_priest_a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Torture the cat.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are sitting at a park bench, not knowing how to spend the time.
&nbsp;
Says the zoophile:
-"Let's catch a cat!"
&nbsp;
Says the sadist:
-"Let's catch a cat and torture it!"
&nbsp;
Says the murderer:
-"Let's catch a cat, torture it, and kill it!"
&nbsp;
Says the necrophile:
-"Let's catch a cat, torture it, kill it, and rape it!"
&nbsp;
Says the pyromaniac:
-"Let's catch a cat, torture it, kill it, rape it, and set it on fire!"
&nbsp;
Says the masochist:
-"Meow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaetej/torture_the_cat/
%
I found one of the leftover cookies crying

He was sad because his mom has been a wafer a long time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaenwf/i_found_one_of_the_leftover_cookies_crying/
%
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Small, round, thin,

thick crust, deep pan, extra toppings...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaemjj/beauty_comes_in_all_shapes_and_sizes_small_round/
%
I quit my job as a postman right away when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaelpw/i_quit_my_job_as_a_postman_right_away_when_they/
%
There once was a guy with a fetish for loud sounds

he was hard at hearing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aael02/there_once_was_a_guy_with_a_fetish_for_loud_sounds/
%
Found out the person on the other side of the gloryhole was a guy.

Looking back, I should have realized as soon as there was a dick in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaeilu/found_out_the_person_on_the_other_side_of_the/
%
I went to doctors as i couldn't stop hearing green green grass of home ....

The doctor said 'I think you might have a touch of Tom Jones syndrome'
I asked  'Is it common?'
He said 'Well......it's not unusual'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaei35/i_went_to_doctors_as_i_couldnt_stop_hearing_green/
%
Why are Mexicans so bad at Uno?

They keep all the green cards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaei1i/why_are_mexicans_so_bad_at_uno/
%
Would you tell anyone...?

Friend 1:  If you woke up in the middle of the woods feeling sore, groggy, with your pants down around your ankles, and Vaseline smeared all over your rear-end.... would you tell anyone?
Friend 2:  Hell no.
Friend 1:  Want to go camping?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaegp8/would_you_tell_anyone/
%
Day after day we're getting more addicted to technology

my uncle for example spends 6 our each day on a hemodialysis machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaec99/day_after_day_were_getting_more_addicted_to/
%
What does a fat psychic give you?

A four-chin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaebnk/what_does_a_fat_psychic_give_you/
%
Whats the difference between jam and jelly

I cant jelly my dick up your butt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaeb63/whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_jelly/
%
Blonde Joke

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
Wait for it
The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aae78p/blonde_joke/
%
My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aae76f/my_granddad_had_my_sides_busting_with_this_one/
%
The drunk and the lecture

A drunk is approached by the police at 3 in the morning:
The cop asks:
-Where are you going in that state, at this time?
The drunk answers:
-I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and its lethal effects on the organism, the bad example, the nefarious consequences to the family, as well as the problem it causes in the family economy, and the absolute irresponsibility.
The cop looks at him with disbelief, and says:
-Oh really? And who will give a lecture at this time of the day?
-And who could it be? ... My wife ... As soon as I get home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aae74g/the_drunk_and_the_lecture/
%
A vegan, a Bitcoin trader, and somebody who didn't vote in 2016 walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aae419/a_vegan_a_bitcoin_trader_and_somebody_who_didnt/
%
Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aae1kb/scientist_my_findings_are_meaningless_if_taken/
%
A friend told me he started selling artisan home-distilled fermented grain mash on etsy...

I replied, "Sounds like a whiskey buisness."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadyrr/a_friend_told_me_he_started_selling_artisan/
%
I wanted to donate blood today but they ask too many personal questions...

Like, "Whose blood is it?" and "Where did you get it?"....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadvmw/i_wanted_to_donate_blood_today_but_they_ask_too/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithe-berg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadsqv/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius...

....but his brother Frank was a monster...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadrvi/we_all_know_albert_einstein_was_a_genius/
%
A man and his wife were driving down a country road

They had both gotten into an argument, but neither wanted to admit that they were wrong.
They drove past a field with cows and donkeys, so the husband asked his wife, "Hey, are those relatives of yours?"
"Yes", she said, "in-laws!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadqvl/a_man_and_his_wife_were_driving_down_a_country/
%
Steve Martin - pussy

He goes home with a girl, and says "This girl had the best pussy I've ever seen".
The audience acts all dejected and offended.
"Oh, come on! You people are SICK! I'm talking about her CAT!"
"That cat was the best fuck I've ever had..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadq9z/steve_martin_pussy/
%
A Muslim, a Christian, a Jew, and an atheist go to a coffee shop

A Muslim, a Christian, a Jew and an atheist go to a coffee shop ... and they communicate, have fun, drink coffee, and become good friends. This is what happens when people are not assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadpzi/a_muslim_a_christian_a_jew_and_an_atheist_go_to_a/
%
Which doesn’t belong: a wife, eggs, or a blowjob?

A blow job. You can beat eggs, you can beat your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadpjf/which_doesnt_belong_a_wife_eggs_or_a_blowjob/
%
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadnqi/which_branch_of_the_united_states_military_is_the/
%
Dad's are like boomerangs

At least I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadn3z/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
There Were Two Chairs...

One was a homeless chair living on the side of the street, the other was a rich chair strolling on by.
Upon seeing the poor chair, the rich chair goes to the poor chair and offers some money.
The poor chair refuses, saying
"I dont accept humanity."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadmhc/there_were_two_chairs/
%
Why is r/jokes the most environmentally friendly subreddit?

Because there is a lot of recycling and reusing taking place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadm5v/why_is_rjokes_the_most_environmentally_friendly/
%
I've been thinking about all this time I spend on Reddit

I hope I don't regreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadlr5/ive_been_thinking_about_all_this_time_i_spend_on/
%
I wish I could be ugly for one day

Being ugly every day sucks :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadjlc/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_one_day/
%
In 2019 I will only watch 4K videos

It is my New Year’s resolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aadd2z/in_2019_i_will_only_watch_4k_videos/
%
I just bought a brand new umbrella, but I'm not gonna use it yet.

I'm saving it for a rainy day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aad4qo/i_just_bought_a_brand_new_umbrella_but_im_not/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high

She seem surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aad2wy/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_on_too/
%
I hate when people don't know the difference between "your" and "you're".

There so stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aad1zk/i_hate_when_people_dont_know_the_difference/
%
I used to be an atheist

Until a dyslexic person showed me their dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aacyzl/i_used_to_be_an_atheist/
%
Luggage

**A man lost his luggage so he took the airline to court.**
**Apparently he lost his case.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aacte6/luggage/
%
A new dad is concerned when his wife give birth to a red headed baby.

Neither he nor his wife have red hair, so he asked the doctor what he thinks.
“Well, how often do you and your wife have sex?”
“About twice a year, do you think she may have cheated on me with our red headed neighbor?”
“No” replied the doctor, “You’re just a bit rusty!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aacqz3/a_new_dad_is_concerned_when_his_wife_give_birth/
%
A group of grave diggers decided to dig up Beethoven’s body.

A group of grave diggers decided to dig up Beethoven’s body to see if they could find anything valuable.
When they untied the body bag, Mr. Beethoven sat right up and and started erasing his music.
“Mr. Beethoven!”, one of the men cried, “What are you doing?!”
“I’m decomposing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aacjdf/a_group_of_grave_diggers_decided_to_dig_up/
%
At 11:59:54 AM at NASA:

6...
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
Lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aacjac/at_115954_am_at_nasa/
%
If I were olive oil

I'd be extra virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aacgqc/if_i_were_olive_oil/
%
Eye Poppingly Funny

I was at a local bar when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it.  I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken.
I said “ who me?!!!?”
She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aacfg0/eye_poppingly_funny/
%
A Mexican gang member stole a train for some crazy reason...

Police still don't know anything besides the fact that he has a loco motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaccca/a_mexican_gang_member_stole_a_train_for_some/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He Neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aacbex/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
As soon as you find out someone has 10,000 bees marry them.

Because they are a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aacaz0/as_soon_as_you_find_out_someone_has_10000_bees/
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Programmer

A programmer’s wife says to him “Go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen”
He comes back with twelve loaves of bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aac9pf/programmer/
%
How do you throw a space party?

You planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aac8hm/how_do_you_throw_a_space_party/
%
A police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. He says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aac7dj/a_police_officer_pulls_over_2_catholic_priests_he/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I wouldn't pay $100 to have a lentil on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aac7bu/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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How amazing is that scene from The Last Jedi where Rey makes the boulders float..

CGI Rocks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aac4z5/how_amazing_is_that_scene_from_the_last_jedi/
%
My boss told me...

My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aac45h/my_boss_told_me/
%
Why did you steal the car?

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”
Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aac0do/why_did_you_steal_the_car/
%
My husband bought me a dress for my birthday.

He’s been on me about losing weight, so the dress was 2 sizes too small for me. When he handed me the box, he said “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this.”
For his birthday, I gave him a coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aac0aw/my_husband_bought_me_a_dress_for_my_birthday/
%
What’s the difference

between BOOM! Aaaaargh! And Aaaaaargh! BOOM!?
The difference is whether you’re falling from the 1st or the 10th floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aabyl9/whats_the_difference/
%
Why is Christmas like a day at work?

You do all the work and someone in a suit takes all the credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aablpi/why_is_christmas_like_a_day_at_work/
%
A guy walks into his wife's bedroom to see her cheating on him with his friend.

He immediately shouts " What's going on here?"
Wife replies "Umm....You got a friend in me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aabdu7/a_guy_walks_into_his_wifes_bedroom_to_see_her/
%
My wife keeps pressing the panic button on her car keys when I kiss her

I really do make her horny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aabdu9/my_wife_keeps_pressing_the_panic_button_on_her/
%
A third-grade class is on a field trip to the museum when they come across a mummy exhibit.

The display has a sign in front saying “2982 BC.”
One of the kids asks his friend, “What do you suppose that means?”
His friend thinks for a few seconds, then concludes, “It must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aabb6f/a_thirdgrade_class_is_on_a_field_trip_to_the/
%
Four Karen’s are at a table having lunch.

The waiter comes to the table...
Says ‘is anything alright here’?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aabam5/four_karens_are_at_a_table_having_lunch/
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My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

I’m not buying it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aabali/my_wife_keeps_telling_me_that_im_the_cheapest/
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Three aliens are discussing the fate of Earth.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.
"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!"
"Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all," said the second. "The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses."
Yet a third had another idea. "We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see these them".
The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive.
This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos.
The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front were they were executed in the most horrific way.
They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and haves them in obscene ways and those were executed, the rest enslaved.
They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time.
"What's that one doing," said the first alien. "He isn't shaking his fist list the others."
"It almost looks like he's waving," said the second Alien.
"Let me see," said the third Alien. "Wow! I don't believe it."
"What?" Asked the second Alien.
"It's Dave!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aab5uo/three_aliens_are_discussing_the_fate_of_earth/
%
The average penis has......

been in and around my ex-girlfriend’s mouth.
Fuck you, Karen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaayug/the_average_penis_has/
%
How many syllables does the word 'gloria' have?

Catholic: 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaasxf/how_many_syllables_does_the_word_gloria_have/
%
I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us right now

He’s not dead, just really condescending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaasbx/im_sure_wherever_my_dad_is_hes_looking_down_on_us/
%
A friend of mine is a big fan of the Doppler Effect.

He soon changed his tune when he ran it past me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaarid/a_friend_of_mine_is_a_big_fan_of_the_doppler/
%
What kind of car did Whitney Houston drive?

A Hyundaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaaq0q/what_kind_of_car_did_whitney_houston_drive/
%
I'm thinking of setting up a comedy group to help people going through cancer treatment

I'll call it 'A Sense of Tumor'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaapj7/im_thinking_of_setting_up_a_comedy_group_to_help/
%
Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.

"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted.
I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaapb0/two_police_officers_slammed_their_fists_on_my_door/
%
A vampire was about to attack a woman in a dark alley. She screamed and said "please don't, you wouldn't want me, I have AIDS"

"Don't worry, I have a condom" the vampire replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaamol/a_vampire_was_about_to_attack_a_woman_in_a_dark/
%
I got a set of false teeth put in but couldn't pay for them, so now I have to help out at the dentist's office

I guess that makes me an indentured servant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaalsd/i_got_a_set_of_false_teeth_put_in_but_couldnt_pay/
%
A Welshman an Irishman and an Englishman walk into a park,

they see a slide, but this is no ordinary slide, this slide is magic, as anything you say going down the slide is what you will land in, so the Irishman goes first "A POT OF GOLD" he yells as he slides down the slide, and he lands in a pot of gold, the Welshman next "POT OF DIAMONDS" yells just as loud as the Irishman, he lands in a pot of diamonds, the Englishman goes next but he's been on the drink, so he stumbles his way up the slide, then as he begins his journey down the slide he yells "WEEEEE".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaajfp/a_welshman_an_irishman_and_an_englishman_walk/
%
Why did the students eat their homework?

Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaajew/why_did_the_students_eat_their_homework/
%
What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaaid8/what_do_you_call_crystal_clear_urine/
%
What happens when you give a politician Viagra?

He gets taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaafby/what_happens_when_you_give_a_politician_viagra/
%
Scientific Discovery

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaae85/scientific_discovery/
%
Good Advice

A young woman had been taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaadil/good_advice/
%
I was talking to this girl the other day, and she told me " Come over, there's nobody home "

So I went over.  There was nobody home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaab4q/i_was_talking_to_this_girl_the_other_day_and_she/
%
Two prostitutes are talking to each other..

"hey, what did you ask Santa for christmas?"
"Well, 100$, like everyone else"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaa9zs/two_prostitutes_are_talking_to_each_other/
%
One time I masturbated on a plane

I called it "highjacking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaa87o/one_time_i_masturbated_on_a_plane/
%
A lorry full of wigs was stolen last night....

Police are combing the area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaa7y3/a_lorry_full_of_wigs_was_stolen_last_night/
%
A nazi walks into a bar

mitzvah. Shit gets really awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaa6hq/a_nazi_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.

Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaa6d2/i_asked_the_hairdresser_to_cut_my_hair_like_elvis/
%
I used to love to tell dad jokes

Dad, come back...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaa51w/i_used_to_love_to_tell_dad_jokes/
%
A man is in hospital, in need of a heart transplant

However, the decision weighs on his mind as he knows he has lived most of his life and thinks that there may be others who need the heart more than him.
Soon, night has fell but he still has not made a definite decision on whether or not he should take the heart, and still without an answer he falls asleep.
But in the middle of the night, something goes terribly wrong. His heart stops and the only option left to save is life is for the surgeons to perform the transplant. They make an unorthodox decision and complete the procedure workout the patients knowledge or permission.
Due to the fast action of the surgeons, he survived the procedure and was still asleep once they finished, under the influence of general anesthetic.
After he had time to recover the nurse woke him up, but before she could tell him what happened he said to her:
"you know what, I'll have the transplant. I think I've had a change of heart"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaa2yu/a_man_is_in_hospital_in_need_of_a_heart_transplant/
%
Mike Tyson is the Collector of Life, the Harvester of Souls, and Death itself. He is the Grim Reaper. He has come for you.

He slowly approaches from behind, as you rock back and forth on your chair in the retirement home.
You know your time has come. You’ve had a good run. Your kids and your grandkids will live on and remember you and do you proud. You’ll see your beautiful Karen again, and you will forgive each other.
“So...you have finally come for me.” You  whisper. “May I inquire, why have you chosen me now? Here? Out of everyone, I am the one you seek. Why?”
Mike Tyson, The Harbinger of Silence, the Benefactor of Mortality, the Shadow Of All Living Things, raises his hooded head and whispers back,
“There is no why, I have had my scythe set on you for quite some time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaa2s0/mike_tyson_is_the_collector_of_life_the_harvester/
%
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaa1s9/humans_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
%
Red sky at night: Shepherd’s delight

Blue sky at night: Day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaa13i/red_sky_at_night_shepherds_delight/
%
My girlfriend asked me why I don't "Like" any of her Facebook pictures.

"Because my wife would kill me," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aaa0db/my_girlfriend_asked_me_why_i_dont_like_any_of_her/
%
I have always had eye glasses. I was curious to see what I would look like with them off. So I took them off and looked in the mirror.

As it turns out, I can't see myself without them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa9xdm/i_have_always_had_eye_glasses_i_was_curious_to/
%
At Pirate boot camp

BOATSWAIN: "That concludes orientation. Any questions?"
ME: (raises rubber hook hand) "Why do they call it trimming the mainsail? Why not mast abating?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa9w4k/at_pirate_boot_camp/
%
What do you call a cop’s penis after he’s done masturbating?

Pulled pork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa9tmf/what_do_you_call_a_cops_penis_after_hes_done/
%
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books...

But he’s only got his shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa9td4/my_friend_recently_got_crushed_by_a_pile_of_books/
%
What do you call someone from Venice who can’t see?

A Venetian blind
(Im sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa9rcv/what_do_you_call_someone_from_venice_who_cant_see/
%
Wikipedia has been around for seventeen years now!

[Citation needed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa9o8h/wikipedia_has_been_around_for_seventeen_years_now/
%
I bought a wooden whistle

But it wooden whistle! So i bought a steel whistle.
But it steel wooden whistle! So i bought a lead whistle.
But it steel wooden lead me whistle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa9evr/i_bought_a_wooden_whistle/
%
Yo mama so fat...

When Thanos clicked his fingers, half of her was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa97r0/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
What do school shooting jokes and school shooting victims have in common

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa8zw2/what_do_school_shooting_jokes_and_school_shooting/
%
A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."
As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back.
The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar
"Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf"
Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before
"Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman
Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"
Wow Silver and gold, thanks so much guys 😀

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa8wov/a_nazi_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Applying for a job

There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?" They hire the accountant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa8uy8/applying_for_a_job/
%
Carl Marx dies.

Of course, he get sent to hell.
The devil at first doesn't care about him, but after a few weeks Karl starts organizing the demons sindacates.
After a month the demons start striking and they want their salary increased. The devil, fed up with the situation, decides to get rid of Karl, at least for a few days, so he takes the elevator and goes all the way up to Heaven. Here he meets with Saint Peter and says to him: "Karl is a good man, he got sent to hell but, in my opinion, he does not deserve it." Saint Peter looks at him and decides to take Karl, but he also says that he will send him back to Hell if he's not fit for Heaven.
The devil is satisfied and goes back to Hell.
One week passes and Karl is still upstairs.
Two weeks passes and the Devil begins to wonder what happened.
After a whole month, being Karl still upstairs, the Devil decides to go up and check what's going on.
"You were right - says Saint Peter - this Karl fella is alright and he should stay here".
"But what does God thinks about him?" replies the Devil.
"Comerade... God does not exists."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa8s6h/carl_marx_dies/
%
What killed Marie Curie?

Curieosity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa8f6p/what_killed_marie_curie/
%
Ross witnesses Ted stealing a bunch of weed from his garage

Ross: Man, you’re really adickted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa8ez0/ross_witnesses_ted_stealing_a_bunch_of_weed_from/
%
2 reasons why I don’t take my girlfriend on rides in my Mercedes.

1. I don’t have a Mercedes.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa8doi/2_reasons_why_i_dont_take_my_girlfriend_on_rides/
%
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa8bnc/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_whos_afraid/
%
I tried making French cheese

But I failed. The cows had been given too many  antibrieotics ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa8bk0/i_tried_making_french_cheese/
%
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.
I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa8ahu/did_you_know_semen_leaves_the_body_at_almost/
%
I had to quit my job at the Coca-Cola factory today...

... It was Soda Pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa87jl/i_had_to_quit_my_job_at_the_cocacola_factory_today/
%
I used to go out with a Welsh girl that had 36DD's.

It was a ridiculously long name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa87c3/i_used_to_go_out_with_a_welsh_girl_that_had_36dds/
%
A man goes to the doctors

Man: Doctor Doctor I’ve been feeling like a cowboy
Doctor: How long has this been going on
Man: About a YEEHAA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa8513/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors/
%
Q: what kind of murderer has moral fiber?

A: a cereal killer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa7ugd/q_what_kind_of_murderer_has_moral_fiber/
%
An Australian sergeant seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

An Australian sergeant got seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.
When he arrived, most of the men were away sweeping a neighbouring region.
But a Security Patrol still guarding the base was out close by when it came under unexpected and intense attack.
All remaining men were ordered out to relieve the Patrol, so the Australian grabbed his weapons and gear.
The Captain addressed the Company: “Men, reports are we’re out-numbered six to one. Do not get separated from the corps. It is imperative we succeed before dark.”
About four hours into the furious firefight, the Captain and his Company rounded into a ravine and came across the Australian lying in a shady spot, relaxing under his hat.
“Soldier, *what* in hell do you think you are doing?”
The Aussie pushes back his hat, and says: “Well, Cap, it’s like this: I already got my six.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa7ppc/an_australian_sergeant_seconded_to_a_us_army_base/
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Logic

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, 'Is it a boy or a girl?' The logician says, 'Yes.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa7lj7/logic/
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Photon

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, 'No, I'm travelling light.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa7l6i/photon/
%
A knight used to party hard

He was called Sir Dancelot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa7j2z/a_knight_used_to_party_hard/
%
There's a strange look of satisfaction from alot of dudes coming from that class...

I guess a lot of girls wanted to go down in history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa7ir6/theres_a_strange_look_of_satisfaction_from_alot/
%
Why did the man get a boner after his wife died?

He had mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa7hju/why_did_the_man_get_a_boner_after_his_wife_died/
%
A man and wife are thinking of ways to spice up their sex life.

“I know!” says the husband. “Let’s act out a rape fantasy!”
“No. I will not do that” says the wife. The husband goes....
“That’s the spirit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa7h9o/a_man_and_wife_are_thinking_of_ways_to_spice_up/
%
There were two paleontologists searching for the spine of a T-Rex

One of them screamed “I found it!”, causing the other to hurry over.  As the paleontologist examined the spine more, he realized his mistake and soon followed up screaming “Nevermind, it’s a fossil arm!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa7fxi/there_were_two_paleontologists_searching_for_the/
%
Accidently burned dinner on the grill.

Missteaks were made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa7drm/accidently_burned_dinner_on_the_grill/
%
My dad was showing me how to use a bow

He took me to the edge of our rather large property,
He shot one tree, then another, then another, with very impressive aim.
"Alright son, you're up!"
I aimed at a tree that hadn't been shot yet
"No son!  Not that one!"
"Why not?"
"Because that's not archery!"
So I shot one of the others
"Was that alright?"
"That's fine, that's archery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa76cn/my_dad_was_showing_me_how_to_use_a_bow/
%
A man wife and their dog go hunting every Sunday.

One dreary Sunday morning the wife turns to her husband and says, “Honey, I don’t feel like going out today; I don’t feel well and it’s raining”
“What? We go hunting every Sunday! Get out of bed you’ll be fine” says the husband.
Wife says “ I’m not in the mood at all. We can always go next week”
Husband says “That’s unacceptable. I’ll give you three options. Either come hunting, suck my dick, or let me fuck you in the ass. Make up your mind while I get the dog ready”
The husband gets the dog and asks his wife, “Have you made your decision?”
The wife says “If this is that important to you I’ll just suck your dick you jerk! Let’s get this over with”
The husband whips out his dick and she starts blowing him. After a few seconds she spits out his dick.
“What the fuck! Your dick tastes like shit!”
“The dog didn’t want to go either”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa741m/a_man_wife_and_their_dog_go_hunting_every_sunday/
%
What foiled the Presidents suicide attempt?

Fake Noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa70ws/what_foiled_the_presidents_suicide_attempt/
%
My author friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him...

Still, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa70uk/my_author_friend_claims_that_he_accidentally/
%
A man walks into a tattoo parlour and asks for a one hundred dollar bill tattooed onto his penis.

Shocked and disgusted the artist asks why?
The man goes “well, I have three reasons,
One, I like to play with my money,
Two, I like to watch my money grow,
And three, next time my wife wants to go out and blow my money, she can stay home instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa6zdf/a_man_walks_into_a_tattoo_parlour_and_asks_for_a/
%
After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”
Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”
Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”
Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth can be the good news?!”
Staff: “You got 52%..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa6ytw/after_the_russian_election_putin_meets_with_his/
%
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa6ykp/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_going_down/
%
Did you know it's illegal for the president to use an extension cord?

That'd be an overreach of his power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa6y4n/did_you_know_its_illegal_for_the_president_to_use/
%
There’s one good thing about being hit in the head with a bottle of Coca Cola

It’s a soft drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa6vs2/theres_one_good_thing_about_being_hit_in_the_head/
%
Why was Snoop Dogg so exhausted after Christmas?

Because of all the ho ho hos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa6v6l/why_was_snoop_dogg_so_exhausted_after_christmas/
%
Why did the zombie child find it hard to get out of bed?

He was a little stiff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa6uvd/why_did_the_zombie_child_find_it_hard_to_get_out/
%
I got cancer and started to tell funny jokes...

It gave me a sense of tumor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa6uac/i_got_cancer_and_started_to_tell_funny_jokes/
%
More seizure jokes

What do you call a guy that has an epileptic fit in a lettuce patch?
A seizure salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa6oo0/more_seizure_jokes/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because I was cheating on her.

She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa6lgh/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_was/
%
Did you guys hear that the pearl thief is still at large?

The oysters are calling it a clamity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa6kk6/did_you_guys_hear_that_the_pearl_thief_is_still/
%
[OC] Why do rappers wear so much fake gold?

Faux show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa6js0/oc_why_do_rappers_wear_so_much_fake_gold/
%
Europeans did promise land and peace for the natives. They didn't get what they wanted but what can you expect?

They were just white lies after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa69am/europeans_did_promise_land_and_peace_for_the/
%
Cancer is so easy to beat.

I'm already at stage 4.
My son died at stage 2. Lol what a noob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa65e8/cancer_is_so_easy_to_beat/
%
What is a KKK member’s favorite cheese?

White American

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa65d8/what_is_a_kkk_members_favorite_cheese/
%
Puns are fun!

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?  A hippo is really heavy, but a zippo is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa5yzh/puns_are_fun/
%
My friend keeps making bird puns so I said

Toucan play that game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa5u39/my_friend_keeps_making_bird_puns_so_i_said/
%
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climb down a wall.

I thought to myself, now thats a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa5u0n/today_i_actually_saw_a_dwarf_prisoner_climb_down/
%
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa5q54/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
What does a vegan zombie eats?

Grains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa5l03/what_does_a_vegan_zombie_eats/
%
A palindrome walks into a bar

Says "Yasraba Otni Sklawem Ordnilapa".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa5kri/a_palindrome_walks_into_a_bar/
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The bartender says,'Sorry we don't serve time travelers here.'

A time traveler walks into the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa5ixa/the_bartender_sayssorry_we_dont_serve_time/
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C, E-flat and G walk into a bar

'Sorry',said the bartender, we don't serve minors here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa5ilq/c_eflat_and_g_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What does a ghost panda eat

BamBOO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa5iih/what_does_a_ghost_panda_eat/
%
I couldn’t afford a knife for my son’s circumsion

It was a rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa5d99/i_couldnt_afford_a_knife_for_my_sons_circumsion/
%
What happens when you don't obey the KGB?

You get Putin jail
(sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa5b88/what_happens_when_you_dont_obey_the_kgb/
%
American Woman on a train in the UK

An American woman boards a train in the UK. She sits down next to an English woman and decides to strike up a conversation with her.
"Hello, Miss. Where are you from?" she asks.
The British woman glares at the American and says, "From a place where we don't end our sentences in prepositions."
The American woman covers her mouths and says, "Oh! I'm terribly sorry. Where are you from, bitch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa58gf/american_woman_on_a_train_in_the_uk/
%
I threw a boomerang a few years ago

Now I live in constant fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa56os/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
%
What is thanos’s favourite number?

0.5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa54wd/what_is_thanoss_favourite_number/
%
And the lord said unto John, “ come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa53pa/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
%
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

When the police came to take his statement they found the bag at the bottom of the stairs.
It was a brief case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa4z1q/a_man_filed_a_report_to_the_police_that_his_bag/
%
My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa4wta/my_friend_currently_holds_the_world_record_for/
%
Did you hear about the cannibal chocolatier?

His peppermint bark is worse than his bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa4rcc/did_you_hear_about_the_cannibal_chocolatier/
%
Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa4os7/did_you_hear_about_that_group_of_women_suing/
%
I feel bad for the homeless guy but I feel really bad for the homeless guy's dog.

He must be thinking "Man this is the longest walk ever"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa4kxd/i_feel_bad_for_the_homeless_guy_but_i_feel_really/
%
Bitchfight

A man calls the police:'Help me, there are 2 women fighting over me'.
Police: 'you should be happy about that, and not calling us'.
The man: 'Yes, but the ugly one is winning'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa49i0/bitchfight/
%
I was at the airport, trying to find my terminal.

I asked “is this B40?” The young lady at the desk angrily replied “excuse me, I’m 22!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa48g8/i_was_at_the_airport_trying_to_find_my_terminal/
%
I sleep like a baby at night.

Every 2 hours I wake up screaming and shit my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa4620/i_sleep_like_a_baby_at_night/
%
Me and my girlfriend are going to play a special game of "7 minutes in heaven" on New Years Eve

Except instead of a closet we'll be in a bed, and instead of a girlfriend it'll be my hand, and instead of 7 minutes it'll be 30 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa431p/me_and_my_girlfriend_are_going_to_play_a_special/
%
Masturbation is like procrastination

It’s nice  at first but then you realized you fucked your self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa42jp/masturbation_is_like_procrastination/
%
The three rings of marriage are engagement ring, wedding ring and...

The Suffering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa41d6/the_three_rings_of_marriage_are_engagement_ring/
%
Why are iPhones afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 X

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa3y2m/why_are_iphones_afraid_of_7/
%
My best friend told me that i hold grudges too much.

I never spoke to him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa3vl7/my_best_friend_told_me_that_i_hold_grudges_too/
%
I don't understand what the church has against trigonometry.

And they only forgive sin but not cos or tan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa3v8l/i_dont_understand_what_the_church_has_against/
%
What did the kitchen utensil thief say when he was finally caught?

"What can I say? I'm a whisk taker!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa3ti4/what_did_the_kitchen_utensil_thief_say_when_he/
%
A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walk into a bar

He came, he saw,he conquered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa3t9k/a_sperm_donor_a_carpenter_and_julius_caesar_walk/
%
Two reasons I don't give money to homeless people. 1) They are going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol

4) I already spent it all on drugs and alcohol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa3pej/two_reasons_i_dont_give_money_to_homeless_people/
%
I totally understand how batteries feel...

because I'm rarely ever included in things either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa3ngw/i_totally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
%
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend who had Epilepsy?

I went to a rave. I thought it was so cool that I filmed it. But when I showed it to her, she just rolled her eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa3h24/did_i_ever_tell_you_about_my_old_girlfriend_who/
%
What does a religious vegetable say

Lettuce pray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa3gso/what_does_a_religious_vegetable_say/
%
John goes on a business trip to Japan

On the first night upon arrival, he found a brothel and spent the night fucking a prostitute who kept yelling "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!" during sex. Since he didn't understand a word of Japanese, John assumed it meant approval and kept going.
The next day he played golf with several Japanese businessmen. One of them scored a hole-in-one and John, wanting to show off, shouted "Machigatta ana!"
The Japanese looked at him, visibly confused, and one of them asked: "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa3goq/john_goes_on_a_business_trip_to_japan/
%
I can think of many money jokes.

I just can’t think of one atm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa347n/i_can_think_of_many_money_jokes/
%
The man that invented human cloning has died .

The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa33ul/the_man_that_invented_human_cloning_has_died/
%
Did you hear the boating store was having a big sale?!!??

It was quite the oar deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa3305/did_you_hear_the_boating_store_was_having_a_big/
%
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute fear of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?

Man: I can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa31mc/therapist_it_seems_like_you_have_an_acute_fear_of/
%
How many priestesses are there in Christianity?

There are nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa300h/how_many_priestesses_are_there_in_christianity/
%
Things that aren't formatted properly.

Do you know what I hate?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2zjm/things_that_arent_formatted_properly/
%
A young boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog on a leash behind him

. He goes straight up to the pimp and says: "I need a girl for an hour.".
"Haha! You've got to be joking boy, you're just a kid!" replies the pimp.
Boy throws a pack of money onto the table.
Pimp: "Well, in that case everything can be arranged just like you want."
Boy: "Good. Just make sure she has syphilis."
Pimp: "Excuse me? That's not something we can do as all our girls are clean!"
Boy throws another pack of money onto the table.
Pimp: "Alright, I'll get you one with syphilis if you insist but, before I do, tell me - why in the world do you need that?"
Boy: "You see, I'll sleep with this girl and get infected. Then I'll go home and sleep with my nanny and infect her. Dad will go to see her later on and get infected too, after which he will infect my mum during the night. When dad leaves in the morning my mum will head out to infect the milkman, which is the f**ker that KILLED MY FROG!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2yww/a_young_boy_walks_into_a_brothel_dragging_a_dead/
%
How does Chris Hemsworth feel after a workout?

Thor
Bonus joke.
How does Tom Hiddleston walk around in public?
Loki
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2yql/how_does_chris_hemsworth_feel_after_a_workout/
%
The monkey and the Lion

Deep down in the depths of the jungle, the fierce  lion roared at the monkey who had just made it up his tree.
"Oh monkey why won't you come on down !" He roared .
"NO, your going to eat me!"
"I'm not little monkey, I'll ask tiger to tie my front paws up. "
The lions friend comes along and ties his front paws together in a firm noose.
"Oh come on down little monkey!" The lion pleaded  once more .
"You're going to eat me I don't believe you!"
"Oh tiger won't you tie my back paws together!"
The tiger obeys .
Still the monkey does not believe the lion , who despite his size , was firmly grounded onto the floor. But he was getting hungry, being up in that tree all day . He slowly climbs down onto the ground  ...
"Hehe-hehe" the monkey breaks into a giggle .
"Why are you laughing little monkey!?" The tiger asks ever so confused .
"I've just never fucked a lion in the ass you know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2v0i/the_monkey_and_the_lion/
%
I don't want to end the year on bad terms with anyone

.. so apologize to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2uww/i_dont_want_to_end_the_year_on_bad_terms_with/
%
Im a 50 year old man with a 20 year olds body!

I still can't figure out where to hide the body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2u9q/im_a_50_year_old_man_with_a_20_year_olds_body/
%
Two reasons I don't give money to homeless people. 1) They are going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol

2) I am going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2ryv/two_reasons_i_dont_give_money_to_homeless_people/
%
I’m a masochist

There’s nothing I love more than punching myself in the face.... So I don’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2r2g/im_a_masochist/
%
My doctor said I was inconsonant

Sure enough, I just had a vowel evacuation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2r0y/my_doctor_said_i_was_inconsonant/
%
A bear walks into a bar

He says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2qux/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A woman was pregnant with triplets.

One day she decided to go for a walk when she was shot in the stomach.
The Doctor said the children would be fine but they would each have a bullet inside them.
It was sixteen years later when one of her girls came down and said that when she had a shit she found a bullet so the mum explained the story.
A bit later her second daughter came down and said when she went for a piss she found a bullet, so for the second time she explained the story.
All of a sudden her son came down in a right state. His mum turned around and said "Don't tell me: you went to the toilet and found a bullet".
He then turned back and said "No, I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2ncr/a_woman_was_pregnant_with_triplets/
%
Making pizza is like smoking weed

You need dough to get baked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2lbx/making_pizza_is_like_smoking_weed/
%
I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2jqx/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_shes_been/
%
[SERIOUS] CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN OLD MAN. HE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS WRINKLY OLD DICK. HE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2ifv/serious_can_admins_of_this_subreddit_reddit_do_a/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2i7g/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it's cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2hwy/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_female/
%
*Father washes car with his son*

Son: Why not use a sponge, dad?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2gt1/father_washes_car_with_his_son/
%
Fun fact

Tsunami - T is silent
Honest - H is silent
Island - S is silent
After hearing my jokes - Everyone is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2grx/fun_fact/
%
I made a comprehensive list of the things that Homie the Clown don't play.

1. That

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2euh/i_made_a_comprehensive_list_of_the_things_that/
%
A few of my friends took a road trip from Iowa to California

Things were great as they drove through Nebraska. But driving through Wyoming was a disaster! First, one of them got sick and they had to pull over. Then they got to the Great Continental Divide and it was all downhill from there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2dqo/a_few_of_my_friends_took_a_road_trip_from_iowa_to/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve thought about having sex with my mom

I’d have enough money to pay a therapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2b7m/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_ive_thought/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa2ahx/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?

He did CrossFit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa231e/why_is_crucified_jesus_always_depicted_with_six/
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What did Beethoven say when he finished writing his 5th Symphony?

I'm done done done doooooone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa227g/what_did_beethoven_say_when_he_finished_writing/
%
The programmer's wife

asked her husband to go to the store and pick up a gallon of milk.
While he was on his way out, she added, "oh, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
Thirty minutes later, the programmer returned with twelve gallons of milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa1yle/the_programmers_wife/
%
Did you hear the one about the disappearing magician?

It was just a stage he was going through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa1w46/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_disappearing/
%
Upstanding bulls

A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground. But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.
A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence. The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.
When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.
One cow says, "Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?"
The two bulls laugh and reply, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa1rmb/upstanding_bulls/
%
What did socialists use before candles?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa1qnu/what_did_socialists_use_before_candles/
%
The Venus de Milo just kicked my ass.

It surprised the hell out of me, because she looks pretty armless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa1mo4/the_venus_de_milo_just_kicked_my_ass/
%
I went to bed with a blind girl last night and she said I had the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on.

“You’re pulling my leg,” I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa1l9w/i_went_to_bed_with_a_blind_girl_last_night_and/
%
I met a real life pirate. He had a patch over his eye, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg.

I asked what happened to his leg.  He told me he got shot with a cannon, and it took it clean off.  I asked why he has a hook for a  hand.  He said that a shark bit it off while he was out at sea.  I asked what happened to his eye.  He told me a seagull pooped in his eye.  I said "that can make you go blind?!?!?" He said "no, but you got to remember, it was my first day with the hook".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa1j1u/i_met_a_real_life_pirate_he_had_a_patch_over_his/
%
Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because B shells are too small, and D shells are too big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa1iyk/why_do_mermaids_wear_seashells/
%
There are no hipster lobsters...

...In a Maine stream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa1gu1/there_are_no_hipster_lobsters/
%
What did the farmer say when he became a DJ?

Lettuce turnip the beet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa1dvj/what_did_the_farmer_say_when_he_became_a_dj/
%
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face?"

Unable to speak, the horse shits on the floor and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa1d8f/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_bartender_says_why_the/
%
If you arrive fashionably late wearing crocs

You’re just late

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa1cxo/if_you_arrive_fashionably_late_wearing_crocs/
%
Yesterday I ate 2 pieces of string

Today they came out tied together.
I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa19do/yesterday_i_ate_2_pieces_of_string/
%
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france?

There was nothing but de brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa17y7/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_that/
%
I met a girl last night. I forgot her name, but it was one of the US states.

Alaska

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa17d7/i_met_a_girl_last_night_i_forgot_her_name_but_it/
%
One day a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.

As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa177i/one_day_a_rabbit_managed_to_break_free_from_the/
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A panda walks into a bar

. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar.
The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”
The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa128f/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Dogs don't know how to operate MRI scanners

But catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa0z12/dogs_dont_know_how_to_operate_mri_scanners/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German.....

are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can't see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: "Can you see me now?" The four men answer: "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."l

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa0ufx/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
A linguistics professor says during a lecture....

“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa0sb7/a_linguistics_professor_says_during_a_lecture/
%
What does a zombie vegetarian eat?

Graaaaiiiinss!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa0owi/what_does_a_zombie_vegetarian_eat/
%
Had to drive my girlfriend to the optometrist because she was having issues with her vision

Turns out she was seeing other people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa0otd/had_to_drive_my_girlfriend_to_the_optometrist/
%
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa0j5k/thank_you_student_loans_for_getting_me_through/
%
Sinks can't open doors.

Let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa0fjp/sinks_cant_open_doors/
%
I burnt my hawaiian pizza today.

I should have cooked it on aloha setting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa0arm/i_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
%
My girlfriend accidentally discovered a method of getting long lashes instantly.

She showed a little bit of her ankle in Saudi Arabia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa04fe/my_girlfriend_accidentally_discovered_a_method_of/
%
What kind of coffee served by a sad barista?

A depresso.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa03dg/what_kind_of_coffee_served_by_a_sad_barista/
%
I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate

In the end we decided to just let her live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa03bg/i_had_a_granny_that_we_couldnt_decide_whether_to/
%
Some people really love recycling

But boy you should see their faces when I rinse out my condom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aa03b0/some_people_really_love_recycling/
%
What's morticians favorite workout?

Deadlifting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9zz6a/whats_morticians_favorite_workout/
%
You just bought a self driving car that goes anywhere you tell it to go

You decide to test it out, and you say "hot dogs!"
The car speeds off and drives to the nearest hot dog stand.
"Cool! How about donuts?"
The car automatically drives to the nearest donut shop
"Alright! Now show me some horses!"
The car drives to the McDonald's across the street.
Surprised, you say "Holy crap!!"
The car takes off, and drives to the nearest church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9zxvh/you_just_bought_a_self_driving_car_that_goes/
%
Patience is a bit like a toilet-roll

the bigger the arsehole you’re dealing with, the quicker it runs out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9zvav/patience_is_a_bit_like_a_toiletroll/
%
When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert

we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9zukl/when_my_wife_and_i_argue_were_like_a_band_in/
%
Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”?

Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ztoo/fun_fact_did_you_know_that_hiv_is_actually_roman/
%
Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!"
Cashier (puzzled): "Did you mean to say "or you're HISTORY?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9zsuu/bank_robber_pulls_out_gun_points_it_at_the_teller/
%
Why are lesbians night lives considered boring?

All they really do is eat out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9zq9v/why_are_lesbians_night_lives_considered_boring/
%
“Why are you here today?” Asked the therapist.

“I guess I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin,” replied the snake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9zpsx/why_are_you_here_today_asked_the_therapist/
%
Whats the word from which no matter how many letters you remove, it still remains the same?

Postman, ha gotcha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ziu9/whats_the_word_from_which_no_matter_how_many/
%
The perfect guy

After a long run of many disappointing guys, this girl finally meets a guy of her dreams. They go on a date.
The girl asks: "you are really handsome, I really look forward to give it a try. Do you mind if I ask you few questions?"
The guy answers: "sure, what is it?"
The girl asks: "Are you alcoholic?"
The guy answers: "No, I am not."
The girl continues: "Do you do drugs?"
The guy answers: "what? Of course not! Jesus"
The girl fires many questions in a breath: "Do you have any anger issues? Do you like to fight? Do you have a job? Are you really single? Is there anything you are hiding?"
The guy smiles and says: "you must have had very bad experiences! No I dont have any anger issues, I dont fight, I dont have a job, I am a businessman, yes I am single and no m'am I am not hiding anything."
The girl gets really happy and says: "So sorry for all questions, its just so unbelievable! I was waiting just for you!"
The guys gives a smirk and says: "Oh sorry, there is one thing I forgot to mention"
The girl with calm look says: "I dont think it matters but yes say"
The guy continues: "I have a bad habit to lie"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9zdks/the_perfect_guy/
%
What happens when a frog parks his car in a no-parking zone?

It gets toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9zccm/what_happens_when_a_frog_parks_his_car_in_a/
%
What did the weight lifter say after he bought the wrong protein powder?

No whey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9zc91/what_did_the_weight_lifter_say_after_he_bought/
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Cats and Dogs

God was relieving St. Peter at the Pearly Gates one day when 2 dogs and a cat arrived.
God said to the first dog, a labrador, "Why should I allow you into heaven ?"
The dog replied "I was a loyal dog to my master and I drowned after I had saved his baby son in a flood"
"Excellent" replied God, "You can now enter"
"And why should you be allowed into heaven" God asked the second dog.
"I was awarded a canine bravery medal 3 times while I lived as a police dog and died in the line of duty protecting civilians during a hostage siege"
"You most certainly have earned entry to heaven" said God.
God then turned to the cat and asked "Why should you be allowed into heaven"
The cat replied "I believe you're sitting in my chair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9zbja/cats_and_dogs/
%
If you wanna find the band Smash Mouth in the Bible,

Just open your Bible to Psalm... BODY ONCE TOLD ME

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9zb3l/if_you_wanna_find_the_band_smash_mouth_in_the/
%
There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left

The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn. The first man said: "Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack." That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said. "Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me" That is to horrific. He asked the third man how he died and he said. "Well imagine that I was naked in a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9zadu/there_was_three_people_approaching_the_gates_of/
%
Holmes & Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal  and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson,  look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asked Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and  insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9z982/holmes_watson/
%
I dont always roll a joint

But when I do its my ankle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9z2ir/i_dont_always_roll_a_joint/
%
When I turned 25, mom finally let me drink for the first time!

Who knew water was so refreshing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9z01s/when_i_turned_25_mom_finally_let_me_drink_for_the/
%
My Doctor told me to start killing people....

Well not exactly in those words, but he said "I had to reduce the stress in my life".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9yzuq/my_doctor_told_me_to_start_killing_people/
%
Sometimes I use big words I don't really know the meaning of

it's an effort to appear more photosynthesis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9yztv/sometimes_i_use_big_words_i_dont_really_know_the/
%
How did Mike Tyson feel after picking a fight with the God of Thunder?

Thor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9yukx/how_did_mike_tyson_feel_after_picking_a_fight/
%
Job interview

Interviewer: It says here your extremely quick at maths
Me: yh
I: what’s 25x13
M:38
I: Not even close
M: yh but it was quick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9yu7t/job_interview/
%
What would you call hitler if he lit up?

The illumi-nazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9yrlh/what_would_you_call_hitler_if_he_lit_up/
%
As a vegan eating with the German side of my family at Christmas can be tough. I'm too scared to tell them I am vegan so I explained that I had a crippling phobia of meat.

I feared the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9yrda/as_a_vegan_eating_with_the_german_side_of_my/
%
Prom night.

This high school kid had a crush on the girl of his dreams, but she was dating someone. However! The pair broke up a month before prom, and he decided to make the move.
He didn’t ask her out on the first week because that would be too soon. And he got sick on the second week.
Week 3 he was about to ask her, but her friends joined the conversation and he ended up not asking.
Finally, the week before prom he finally approached her, and asked her straight away if she’d like to go to the prom with him. Turns out she likes him! He couldn’t be happier!
They make plans and he insists that he arranges everything.
Now he needs to get three things for the  big day - flowers, limo, and a tux.
He decides to start with the tux first as fitting could take a while. Calls the local tux rental place, turns out they have no more tuxes due to a recent  fire in their warehouse. The closest place that can rent him a tux is 60 miles away.
He doesn’t drive yet and no one’s able to give him a ride, so decides to take a train. Gets to the station, there’s a huge line of high schoolers in front of the ticket machine. Waits about 15 minutes, finally gets his ticket JUST in time to get on the train as it was leaving!
Arrives at the station, needs to take a bus to the store, but there is again, a huge line of people queued for the bus he needs. After missing 2 busses he decides to get a cab. No issues there. As they’re driving up to the store, they see another huge line. He recognizes many of the people he saw on the train - they’re all here for the tuxes. He pays the cab driver and leaps out of the car to get in line as he sees the next bus arriving right behind them.
After waiting in line for two hours, he finally gets the tux! It’s a perfect fit as well!
He gets home, the day is near the end so he decides to arrange the limo tomorrow.
First thing in the morning he starts calling limo serviced to realize most of them are already booked. He finally reached one where the agent said that they might have something, and asks him to hold, as there is a queue already. He stays on the phone for hours, the call gets dropped. He immediately calls back and the agent who picks up, apologizes, and says everyone’s gone to lunch. So he pleads with the agent and explains that he spent an entire day yesterday to just rent a tux. The agent decides to help him out, and books a limo for him, allowing him to skip some of the queue. Great!
2 days before prom, he decides to get the flowers early expecting lines, and right he was, as there were huge lines in front of all the flower shops. However, after waiting for again, hours, he gets the flowers!
Everything is set!
Day of the prom, he meets his date, gives her the flowers, they get in the limo. Everything is going perfectly.
They arrive at the ball room, to see a huge line due to the previous event running late. No worries! They’re enjoying each other’s company, talk about their favorite things, and after an hour or so get in.
They’re about to get on the dance floor, his date asks him to get a refreshment as she’s quite thirsty from the wait.  He looks around to see what’s available, and sees a punch bowl on a table! And what’s more, there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9yqna/prom_night/
%
How much room does a fungi need?

As mushroom as possible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9yo21/how_much_room_does_a_fungi_need/
%
A psychic dwarf broke out of prison last week. The police are still looking for him

He's a small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ymys/a_psychic_dwarf_broke_out_of_prison_last_week_the/
%
Where does bad light go?

Prism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ykvu/where_does_bad_light_go/
%
My father asked how my transplant went.

Didn't have the heart to tell him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ykl1/my_father_asked_how_my_transplant_went/
%
Why do girls in porn slap their vaginas like used - car salesman?

"You can fit so much dick in this bad boy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9yjv7/why_do_girls_in_porn_slap_their_vaginas_like_used/
%
German couple on the Autobahn. He drives, she wakes up after a nap, looks over and asks him:"Why are you going 180kph??"

"Because the road looks slippery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9yh5l/german_couple_on_the_autobahn_he_drives_she_wakes/
%
How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.
"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Red deer will roam the countryside, golden eagles will circle the skies, salmon will leap in the crystal clear Rivers and lochs, and the surrounding seas will teem with fish. Agriculture will flourish and there will be a glorious coming together of water and barley to be known as whisky. Coal, oil and gas - all will be there. The Scots will be intelligent, innovative, industrious and..."
"Wait a minute," interrupted Gabriel "are you not being just a wee bit generous to these Scots?"
"Oh, haha" chortled the Almighty "wait until you see their neighbours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ye4v/how_scotland_was_created/
%
I was having a row with my new girlfriend.

"You are same kind of a narcissist like all those other guys I dated, aren't you?" she yelled at me.
It's not true.
I am a much better narcissist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9yc2q/i_was_having_a_row_with_my_new_girlfriend/
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Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons

One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9y5td/mr_and_mrs_brown_had_two_sons/
%
Men don't cheat

We just practice with other girls to become a better boyfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9y5mr/men_dont_cheat/
%
If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son

I've got 99 problems, but a pitch ain't 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9y5ce/if_youre_having_voice_problems_i_feel_bad_for_you/
%
Me: Dad, to be frank your years of neglect towards us has left us scarred for life and incapable of developing sincere and loving relationships

Dad: ...
Me: ...
Dad: HI FRANK!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9y55x/me_dad_to_be_frank_your_years_of_neglect_towards/
%
An American visiting Ireland walks in to a bar...

He says "I've heard you Irish can drink, we'll see. Here's $500 that says no one here can drink 12 pints of Guinness, one after another and without a break." He looks around the bar and there's no takers, in fact one guy shrugs and walks out the bar. The American is slowly drinking a pint of Guinness, nearly an hour has gone by and he's just about to leave the bar, when the Irishman (that had left earlier), taps him on the shoulder. "The name's Murphy, is the bet still on?" The American says "Sure it is." The barman lines up the 12 pints and sure enough Murphy drinks one after another until they're all gone. The American says "That was quite a thing" he pays the barman for the drinks and hands the $500 to Murphy, just as Murphy goes to take the money, the American grabs his arm and says "Hey, why didn't you take me up on my bet when I first came in?"  Murphy puts the $500 in his wallet. Murphy said "I cheated, I walked out to the pub across the road ordered 12 pints and then drank them, to check out if I could do it first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9y2tl/an_american_visiting_ireland_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
Me and my wife share the cost of weed.

We take it out of our joint account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9y1zo/me_and_my_wife_share_the_cost_of_weed/
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What do you call an ant who cheers you up?

Antidepressant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9y1jf/what_do_you_call_an_ant_who_cheers_you_up/
%
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours

They called it a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9y03n/scientists_got_bored_of_watching_the_earth_spin/
%
[At a divorce filling]

Lawyer: So you said Minnie was... extremely silly?
Mickey: No, I said she was fucking goofy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9xxx5/at_a_divorce_filling/
%
An Irishman orders three pints of Guinness

An Irishman walks into a local pub and orders three pints of Guinness. He drinks them all, settles his tab, and goes on his way.
The next day, the same man walks into the same pub around the same time and again orders three pints of Guinness. He drinks them down, settles up, and goes on his way.
The next day, the man repeats this process. This goes on for several weeks until the bartender can’t resist anymore.
“Mate, I’ve seen you come in here every day at the same time and order three pints of Guinness. What gives?”
The man responds, “I’ve got a mate in England and a mate in Wales. We used to go drinking together all the time but now we live apart, you see. So, we each go to our local pub and order a round at the same time of day, just like we used to.”
This goes on for several months until one day, the man walks into the pub and orders only two pints of Guinness. The bartender is immediately concerned.
“What happened? Did one of your mates pass away?”
The Irishman takes a swig from his glass and looks up.
“No, I quit drinking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9xvoi/an_irishman_orders_three_pints_of_guinness/
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How do you make antifreeze?

You take away her blanket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9xm1n/how_do_you_make_antifreeze/
%
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in

“Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9xlxj/a_mother_is_in_the_kitchen_making_dinner_for_her/
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There were 3 brothers...

... Their names were: Snowflake, Raindrop and Brick. One day Snowflake asked:
— Mom, why is my name Snowflake?-
— Because when we were going out of the hospital were you were born a snowflake fell on your forehead-
The next day Raindrop asked the same thing:
— Why my name is Raindrop?-
— Because when we were going out of the hospital were you were born a raindrop fell on your forehead-
The next day Brick asked:
— Trapolfffftsrrrrr?-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9xht7/there_were_3_brothers/
%
How much pussy does a priest get?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9xhi6/how_much_pussy_does_a_priest_get/
%
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9xbpv/the_female_janitor_at_my_building_asked_if_i/
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Why did the old man fell into the well?

Because he didn't *see that well*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9xbk3/why_did_the_old_man_fell_into_the_well/
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The internet has finally determined the true pronunciation of "GIF"

It's "g" as in garage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9xbd1/the_internet_has_finally_determined_the_true/
%
Roses are red, my screen is blue

I think I deleted system32

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9xb51/roses_are_red_my_screen_is_blue/
%
What's a Flat Earther's worst fear?

Hemisphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9wzs1/whats_a_flat_earthers_worst_fear/
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3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.
Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"
So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.
Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, looks like you cheated on your wife TWICE! You are going to drive around heaven in an Accord!"
He gets into his car and drives through the gates.
Peter calls the third man up and says, "You cheated on your wife FIVE TIMES. You are going to be driving around in a ford pinto!"
But, when the third man drives through the gates, he sees the person in the Ferrari on the side of the rode and he's crying.
The man asks, "Why are you crying??? You got the nicest car out of all of us!!"
He replies, "I just saw my wife ride by on a skateboard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9wzh2/3_men_are_in_line_to_get_into_heaven/
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True love lasts forever

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9wz2i/true_love_lasts_forever/
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How does the Head of the Vatican pay for his items online?

By using his Papal account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9wxfo/how_does_the_head_of_the_vatican_pay_for_his/
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Aquaman met Batman at a party

Batman says 'I've never met you before. So, what do you do, exactly?'
Aquaman: 'I fight all the villains of the sea.'
Batman: 'Huh. I didn't know there were any villains in the sea?!'
Aquaman: *'Cause I do my JOB!'*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9wx79/aquaman_met_batman_at_a_party/
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Getting married in heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9wwi8/getting_married_in_heaven/
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Must be easy to get rich as a necromancer

You'd be making a living!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ws6r/must_be_easy_to_get_rich_as_a_necromancer/
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Stephen King has a son named Joe

I'm not joking, but he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9wp5k/stephen_king_has_a_son_named_joe/
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What do you call it when your parachute doesn't open?

Jumping to conclusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9wnyn/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_parachute_doesnt/
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A man wants to go to the bar, but his wife won't let him.

So one day he snuck off to the nearest one. After he drank a pint or two, he left, feeling good. He went home, but he was so drunk he dad to crawl home. He rung the doorbell, and his wife answered and opened the door for him. Very calm, she said, "So, where were you?" "Just went out to eat.", the man replied. The wife then said, "Well, the bartender called and said that you left your wheelchair at the bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9wgrb/a_man_wants_to_go_to_the_bar_but_his_wife_wont/
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There was a young country boy who was very bright

In fact he was bright enough to be accepted to Harvard. One of his first assignments at Harvard was to write a paper on a famous person. He didn't know who he would write about so he decided to go to the library and do some research. But he didn't know where the library was. He saw a professor walking down the hall. He stopped the professor and said to him, "Do you know where the library is at?" The professor looks at him strangely and says, "Young man, here at Harvard we never end a sentence in a preposistion." The young man says, "Oh, excuse me. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9wgl1/there_was_a_young_country_boy_who_was_very_bright/
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Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

Well, you got to hand it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9wfi4/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_prostitute/
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I met this girl at the bar the other day. She was pretty kinky so I asked how she likes being tied up.

She said "mmmphmphmppph"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9wamp/i_met_this_girl_at_the_bar_the_other_day_she_was/
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I Bet You Can't Name A Useless, Nonfunctoning Member Of Society

but my parents did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9w962/i_bet_you_cant_name_a_useless_nonfunctoning/
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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.  The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?  In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.  When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said,”I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again.  So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up.  After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone.  He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?” Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9w8ln/on_a_farm_out_in_the_country_lived_a_man_and_a/
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Surgeon and patient

Surgeon: This is your first time Jeff, but it's gonna be alright.
Patient: But my name is not Jeff.
Surgeon: I know. Jeff is my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9w639/surgeon_and_patient/
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Me: It sure is muggy outside.

My wife: I swear to God, if I look outside and see all of our mugs on the lawn I'm divorcing you.
Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9w5at/me_it_sure_is_muggy_outside/
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I just told my next door neighbour we are moving out next week and she said “Great, that means you can stop stealing my undies off my clothes line”!

I nearly shit her pants when she said it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9w2vp/i_just_told_my_next_door_neighbour_we_are_moving/
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A Doctor drives by a small town.

He stops at a gas station and notices there is no one there.
A little kid passes by and tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is at the funeral of the owner's daughter.
Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night and goes to the funeral.
When he gets there he goes in and looks at the open casket and notices that something is wrong.
He calls the father:
“Sir, I am a doctor and I can assure you she is not dead, she is in a catatonic sleep.”
“What do we do now?”, asks the father.
“Does she have a boyfriend?”, asks the doctor.
“Yes”, replies the father.
“Take her to a room and have the boyfriend have sex with her”.
They do as the doctor said and sure enough, she wakes up.
Everybody was happy and the doctor leaves once he fills up his gas tank.
A few months go by and the doctor returns to the same gas station.
The same kid greets him again:
“Doctor, it is so great to see you again. About a week ago Mrs. Edward died. Half of the town has screwed her already but she is just not waking up”.
Moral of the story:
See a doctor before self medication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9w2v1/a_doctor_drives_by_a_small_town/
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This year, every one of my kids agreed that they wanted a cat for Christmas

In retrospect, I should have just gone with the Turkey, like I do every year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9w1qc/this_year_every_one_of_my_kids_agreed_that_they/
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Somewhere in the world, a woman gives birth every few seconds.

She must be found and stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vzh4/somewhere_in_the_world_a_woman_gives_birth_every/
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Three women are about to be executed for crimes

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.  She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"  Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.  She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"  Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.  She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did.  The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.  She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vz98/three_women_are_about_to_be_executed_for_crimes/
%
I taught a wolf how to meditate

Now it's aware wolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vxkv/i_taught_a_wolf_how_to_meditate/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar

then one turns to the other and says "man, I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vtqe/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur and Carbon?

Because you are
Au, Ti, S, Ti, C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vs5z/are_you_made_of_gold_titanium_sulfur_and_carbon/
%
I went to the African exhibit at my local zoo.

I knew it was fake when I saw all of the people walking around with food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vlq7/i_went_to_the_african_exhibit_at_my_local_zoo/
%
what do you call nonconcensual ogre sex?

Shreksual harassment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vkct/what_do_you_call_nonconcensual_ogre_sex/
%
The girl I was having sex with asked me why men ejaculate so quickly...

I told her we have to get home to the women we love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vk17/the_girl_i_was_having_sex_with_asked_me_why_men/
%
How should illegal immigrants be deported?

Juan by Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vgyf/how_should_illegal_immigrants_be_deported/
%
What do you do when Team Rocket stops breathing?

You give them Meowth to Meowth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vgm3/what_do_you_do_when_team_rocket_stops_breathing/
%
So, A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club

and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night. When the couple arrives at the woman's apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other. However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants, "before you take them off....is it true what they say about black guys?" With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said "baby, of course."
He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vf6k/so_a_white_woman_and_a_black_man_are_dancing_at_a/
%
I hate it when people say I’m passive aggressive.

I’m not passive aggressive, unlike *some* people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vehb/i_hate_it_when_people_say_im_passive_aggressive/
%
My parents wouldn't accept me

I came out to my parents last night. I told them I was attracted to fair prices and good deals and discounts. They scoffed at me and told me that I was delusional.
I don't think they'll ever accept the fact that I'm buysexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vdrz/my_parents_wouldnt_accept_me/
%
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television

.The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vdrf/a_guy_and_his_wife_are_sitting_and_watching_a/
%
Super Smash Bros. is a good example of how NOT to do minority representation in video games

The only black character is incredibly two-dimensional

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vc7e/super_smash_bros_is_a_good_example_of_how_not_to/
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Some day, Canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9vbfg/some_day_canada_will_take_over_the_world/
%
What language does the mailman for Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9v5ur/what_language_does_the_mailman_for_hogwarts_speak/
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Germans are weird

In my recent trip to Germany I managed to hook up with this really cute German girl, but for some reason she just kept yelling her age during sex..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9v51i/germans_are_weird/
%
A lost dog strays into a jungle...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before"
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9v3tx/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle/
%
How are tiles and fat chicks the same?

They both get laid by Mexicans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9v04y/how_are_tiles_and_fat_chicks_the_same/
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What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?

Well, actually I’m not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9uvug/whats_the_best_part_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
I walked up to a random ginger bloke today

I asked him “if you had 7 girls numbers in your left pocket and 8 girls numbers in your right pocket what would you have?
“I would have 15 girls phone numbers” he replied
I said “wrong, you would have someone else’s pants on you ginger cunt”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9uu8y/i_walked_up_to_a_random_ginger_bloke_today/
%
Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?

I'm asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ukfe/anybody_wanna_be_in_a_platonic_relationship/
%
Finding the loot

Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – to act as a translator.
“Tell Jose that he must tell us where he has hidden the loot from the bank robbery.”
“The gringos say to ask where you have hidden the loot.”
“Tell the gringos I will never tell them.”
“Jose says he will never tell you.”
The Rangers pull out their six-guns, cock them, and point them at Jose.
“Tell Jose if he does not tell us where he has hidden the loot, we will kill him.”
“The gringos say if you do not tell them where you have hidden the loot they will kill you.”
Jose begins to tremble with fear.
“I buried it by the old oak tree on the other side of the bridge.”
“Jose says he is not afraid to die.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9udjd/finding_the_loot/
%
Why do gay guys have such a great fashion sense?

They've spent so long in the closet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9udb2/why_do_gay_guys_have_such_a_great_fashion_sense/
%
How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

You will see one later and one in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9uad2/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a/
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How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9u8c5/how_do_you_get_trump_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Being in the door business is hard work...

I'm always getting slammed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9u62m/being_in_the_door_business_is_hard_work/
%
There should be a Olympic sport just for women

Name it “500m jump to conclusions”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9u3av/there_should_be_a_olympic_sport_just_for_women/
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It sucks when people make one mistake and get fired

A very sad day today, right after christmas too!
After seven years of training in the medical field and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his clients and can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9u2lh/it_sucks_when_people_make_one_mistake_and_get/
%
How do you blindfold an asian woman?

With a windshield.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9tvm4/how_do_you_blindfold_an_asian_woman/
%
Did you hear about the philosopher who went to the strip club?

He was deep in THOT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9tv17/did_you_hear_about_the_philosopher_who_went_to/
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What’s the worst thing about getting caught masturbating at work?

Having to explain to the janitor why you’re in the supply closet with a belt wrapped around your neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9tplm/whats_the_worst_thing_about_getting_caught/
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My dog Minton ate my shuttlecock

Badminton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9tmov/my_dog_minton_ate_my_shuttlecock/
%
I'm pretty sure my dad believes in the geocentric theory.

The other day he even said, "The world doesn't revolve around you, son".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9tj7m/im_pretty_sure_my_dad_believes_in_the_geocentric/
%
Science builds planes and skyscrapers

But religion brings them together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ti96/science_builds_planes_and_skyscrapers/
%
Im just now realizing its going to be 2019 in just a few days

If you would have told me this months ago i would have called you crazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9tgk0/im_just_now_realizing_its_going_to_be_2019_in/
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He was an expert on all types of atom splitting.

In fact you could say he is a fission-ado.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9tbmd/he_was_an_expert_on_all_types_of_atom_splitting/
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What do you call recycled calculus jokes?

Derivative humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9tbdr/what_do_you_call_recycled_calculus_jokes/
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Being happy is like pissing your pants

Haven’t experienced it since I was 8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9t94y/being_happy_is_like_pissing_your_pants/
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My wife hates when I have a day off and she doesn’t. So she left me…...........

A huge list of shit to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9t8iw/my_wife_hates_when_i_have_a_day_off_and_she/
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What do Chinese men do when they have an erection?

They vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9t7op/what_do_chinese_men_do_when_they_have_an_erection/
%
I used to be addicted to swimming

I’m glad to say I’ve been dry for 5 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9t6iy/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_swimming/
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I created a Reddit competitor. It's failure was poetic, given its name:

Blue-it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9t5jj/i_created_a_reddit_competitor_its_failure_was/
%
A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all.....

After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely.  On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time.  He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt.
"I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road.  I'm having a New Years Eve party and wondered if you'd like to come."
Why sure, that sounds like fun!  It's pretty lonely out here in the wilderness.
"Ok, anytime after 9.  Oh, and there's going to be some drinkin' going on."
That's no problem, I like a drink myself.
"OK,  could be some fightin' too"
Heh, well, I know how to take care of myself.  I'll be careful.
"And sure to be some sex too."
Well, I've been pretty much alone for 6 months, so that sounds like just what I'm looking for!   Any suggestion on what to wear to the party?
"Wear?  Wear what you want, it's just you and me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9t11f/a_guy_moves_to_alaska_to_get_away_from_it_all/
%
A guy and his crush.

A guy and his crush are in a car driving together when he stops the car and turns towards her. The girl asks " what are you doing" the guy goes, "I love you, I've always loved you, would you please be my girlfriend" the girl replies, "I'm sorry, your a great guy but I just don't feel the same way. Your like a brother to me." Dejected the guy gets back in the car and starts driving. About ten minutes later the girl notices that theyre headed the wrong way and asks the guy where he's going. The guy replies "alabama"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9szk4/a_guy_and_his_crush/
%
A Chinese man goes on holiday in Paris, and goes to convert his yuan into euros.

He stops at a currency exchange near the hotel he's staying at, and gets 500 euros in exchange for 4000 yuan.
The next week, he goes back to the currency exchange and exchanges another 4000 yuan to euros, but only gets 495 euros this time.
"Why is it only 495 euros today? You gave me 500 last week!" asks the man.
"Fluctuations." replies the cashier.
The enraged Chinese man stomps out of the currency exchange, before turning back and yelling, "Well fuck you Europeans too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9sy9d/a_chinese_man_goes_on_holiday_in_paris_and_goes/
%
Someone at the door -

*knock*.
*knock*.
*knock knock*.
*knock knock knock*.
*knock knock knock knock knock*.
*knock knock knock knock knock knock knock     knock*.
*knock knock knock knock knock*.
*knock knock knock*.
"who's there?"
"Fibonacci".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9sxu4/someone_at_the_door/
%
In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the shop,
but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.
So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him..!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!
So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!".
After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?"
To this the boy said, "I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!"
The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Brazil ".
To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she plays for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9sv5v/in_a_shop_a_man_asked_for_12_kg_of_butter/
%
A horse walks into a bar

Many people get up out of their chairs and leave, noticing the danger in the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9su9c/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A homeless man, a stamp collector, and a billionaire find a genie lamp.

They pick it up, and as usual, a genie pops out. The genie says, "I will grant you each one wish for anything physical. However, whatever you wish for will fly out of your mouth."
The homeless man says, "A trillion dollars. I want to use that money to give me and my family a good life." Instantly, ten billion 100-dollar bills flew out of his mouth and into a pile in front of him. However, he's stumbled as to how he'd get all of this home...
The stamp collector says, "The rest of the stamps in the world. I have been dreaming to obtain them all and fulfill my life's ultimate wish." Suddenly, one of each stamp flies out of his mouth into a large pile in front of him. However, they're all soaking wet from his mouth, but maybe they'll dry out.
The billionaire says, "Shit, I can't think of anything..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ssju/a_homeless_man_a_stamp_collector_and_a/
%
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9spne/a_man_escapes_from_prison_where_he_has_been_for/
%
When I was young, I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body..,

And then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9skud/when_i_was_young_i_felt_like_a_man_trapped_in_a/
%
Why did the gay guy cross the road?

Because the green man was flashing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9sjz3/why_did_the_gay_guy_cross_the_road/
%
Forgot Password?

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company.
Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed  the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out  trying to logon. I  would look up their password and unlock the system  for them and they would go on their merry way.
One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a  predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was  'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious  enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her  password.
She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret.
I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she  did. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but  made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her  colleagues to which I gladly agreed.
"Well, what does it mean?" I asked.
She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words."
There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9siqn/forgot_password/
%
Pants

I went to the store looking for camouflage pants.
But I couldn't find any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9sh1t/pants/
%
Penguin

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really  horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five  dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since  he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.
So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and  says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a  blow-job for 5 dollars!"
The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?"
"You'll see."
So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."
Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away.
Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9sfr1/penguin/
%
Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I can't help it, though. Humans were just never meant to run 26 miles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9sded/is_it_wrong_to_hate_an_entire_race/
%
Pirate Goes Up To His Captain As They're About To Raid A Ship

The pirate says, "The cannons be ready, Cap'n!"
The Captain says, "*Are.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9scig/pirate_goes_up_to_his_captain_as_theyre_about_to/
%
My horse keeps getting aroused whenever I try and feed him

Maybe I should stop feeding him 50 shades of hay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9s9at/my_horse_keeps_getting_aroused_whenever_i_try_and/
%
Hey sexy, is your first name Cigarette?

Because I really want to get you lit and stick your butt in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9s3xj/hey_sexy_is_your_first_name_cigarette/
%
An old man was on his death bed.

He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I put in a cheque for the full amount."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9s34a/an_old_man_was_on_his_death_bed/
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What do you call a Slavic Tree?

A Dimitree :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9s2is/what_do_you_call_a_slavic_tree/
%
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9rzpg/wife_i_regret_getting_you_that_blender_for/
%
What do they call gay people in france?

Faguettes
*Btw, I'm gay so don't get offended*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ryug/what_do_they_call_gay_people_in_france/
%
How did the scarecrow win the award?

He was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ruwu/how_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_award/
%
Chess is blasphemous

Bishops are not allowed to move in a cardinal direction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9rmfg/chess_is_blasphemous/
%
Two friends are making plans...

One says that he’s going to need to ask his girlfriend if she was ok with him going out with his buddy.
Guy 1: “what’d she say?”
Guy 2: “she said I can go if I want.”
After a moment of silence guy 1 goes:
“So... raincheck?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9rlr9/two_friends_are_making_plans/
%
What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9rk4u/whats_the_difference_between_a_paycheck_and_a/
%
Merry Christmas everyone from r/Jokes!

I hope this post will be online by the 24th as I am using Internet explorer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ri4r/merry_christmas_everyone_from_rjokes/
%
An archaeologist was preparing to take a flight to some ancient Norse ruins.

Right as he left his house, he was mugged.
His cab was stolen.
His girlfriend called and said that they should see other people.
On his way to the airport, there was a terrible accident that caused him to miss his flight.
When he made it to the airport, he was selected for additional screening.
Finally, when he made it on another plane set out for Scotland, he sat next to an old man.
After a few minutes, the archaeologist turned to the old man, "Hi, my name is Doug.  I'm an archaeologist."
The old man didn't respond.
There was a short pause before the archaeologist spoke again, "Man, it seems like everyone's against me today."
The old man chuckled, "Well, it looks like your career is in ruins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9raqv/an_archaeologist_was_preparing_to_take_a_flight/
%
If a person that plays a piano is called a pianist...

Then why isn’t a person who races, called a racist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9r9zi/if_a_person_that_plays_a_piano_is_called_a_pianist/
%
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9r9d3/3_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/
%
The IRS Comissioner is walking down the street when he’s stopped by a mugger.

“Give me your money!” the mugger says. “You can’t do that! I’m the IRS Comissioner!” the other man yells back.
“Oh,” the mugger comments. “Well, in that case, give me *my* money.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9r7wf/the_irs_comissioner_is_walking_down_the_street/
%
A man was found guilty of electrifying a guy to his death.

The charge was quite severe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9r7pt/a_man_was_found_guilty_of_electrifying_a_guy_to/
%
A Rabbi and a Priest run out of a burning school.

The Priest stops and says,"Wait, what about the children?"
The Rabbi replies,"Screw the children!"
The Priest asks,"Do you think we'll have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9r5u6/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_run_out_of_a_burning_school/
%
What do you call a spirit of pride, entitlement, privilege, and arrogance?

An heir elemental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9r2i0/what_do_you_call_a_spirit_of_pride_entitlement/
%
What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9qzya/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
%
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it is Dr. Whom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9qwvp/if_im_being_subjective_the_greatest_scifi_show_of/
%
What's the difference between a urologist that has been working for one year and one that has been working for ten?

A vas deferens in experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9qvlx/whats_the_difference_between_a_urologist_that_has/
%
Not a dad joke

A couple have sex every day for months, trying in vain to conceive. Eventually they go to the fertility doctor to get tested. The wife goes in first and comes back out a short while later with perfectly normal test results. The man goes in second, but when he comes out, his head is hanging low. He tells his wife that he is sterile.
"You must be joking," she says.
He replies, "I kid you not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9qskl/not_a_dad_joke/
%
*Offensive* A Jewish girl asks her father for $20

He responds: "$10? What do you need $5 for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9qqm9/offensive_a_jewish_girl_asks_her_father_for_20/
%
A poor, struggling couple decided on no gifts for Christmas

On Christmas morning, the woman wakes up her husband:
"Honey, I know we said no gifts but I wanted to still celebrate Christmas with what we have."
She takes out two lighters and holds them in each hand exclaiming "look, Christmas lights!"
Next, she takes out a pair of keys and rattles them around - "Jingle bells!"
The man, feeling the Christmas joy, goes over to the window, unzips his pants and proceeds to urinate out the open window.
His wife gasps in horror and shouts "John, what on Earth are you doing?"
The husband replies "Rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9qmii/a_poor_struggling_couple_decided_on_no_gifts_for/
%
So this kid likes this song and keeps singing the chorus excessively...

He only knows the chorus,nwhich goes “If my father was a king, my mother would be the queen, and I would be a prince.” And he sings this to himself constantly, on a loop.
One day, he’s riding in a cab and the taxi driver says, “Hey, buddy...don’t you know any more words to that song?”
And the kid says, “Well, no, I don’t.”
So the cabbie says, “Well you either need to come up with new words or stop singing. It’s driving me crazy. Why don’t you make up a new verse? How about if your father was a thief?”
And the kid goes, “Hmm...If my father was a thief, then my mother would be a whore, and I’d be a taxi driver.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ql5d/so_this_kid_likes_this_song_and_keeps_singing_the/
%
Before his death, JFK was just known as John Kennedy.

The F was added after to pay respects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9qkli/before_his_death_jfk_was_just_known_as_john/
%
A man was having premature ejaculation problems

so he went to the doctor.
The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.
The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9qjhk/a_man_was_having_premature_ejaculation_problems/
%
I just got fired for having sexual relations with my client

It's alright, I didn't like babysitting anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9qhmz/i_just_got_fired_for_having_sexual_relations_with/
%
My resolution for this upcoming year is likely going to be the same as this year.

My computer wouldn't run games well at 4k anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9q83c/my_resolution_for_this_upcoming_year_is_likely/
%
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

RUN!
SHE'S HOLDING A GRENADE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9q7s7/what_do_you_do_when_a_blonde_throws_a_pin_at_you/
%
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9q7bv/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_that_stole_a/
%
I wanted to post a joke about sodium

But then I was like Na, people won't understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9q3ej/i_wanted_to_post_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
I asked a Chinese girl for her number

.
She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!”
I said, “Wow!”
Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9q32w/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
%
I had sex with a piano.

It was grand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9q2zd/i_had_sex_with_a_piano/
%
[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.
I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9psdl/serious_just_a_reminder_to_be_careful_when/
%
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School,” is my answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ps7w/as_an_aussie_americans_are_always_asking_me_where/
%
My wife told me she wants me to make her groan, so every night in the bedroom....

I tell her puns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9pqql/my_wife_told_me_she_wants_me_to_make_her_groan_so/
%
A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died and went to heaven

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."
"Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side.
God say to the Doberman, "What do you believe in?"
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."
Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."
Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"
The cat answers, "I believe you're sitting in my seat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9pltg/a_german_shepherd_a_doberman_and_a_cat_died_and/
%
So the genie asked me: “What do you want? A better memory or a bigger penis?

Her:  What did you say?
Me: I can’t remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9pj6i/so_the_genie_asked_me_what_do_you_want_a_better/
%
Confucia say:

It is only when a mosquito land on your testicles that you learn to solve problems without the use of violence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9pij5/confucia_say/
%
I always wondered why Snape never taught herbology. Then it dawned on me

His Lily died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ph2f/i_always_wondered_why_snape_never_taught/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"If we don't get support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9pdci/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9pbcn/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
Guess who doesn't want to become a millionaire?

A billionaire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9p9vc/guess_who_doesnt_want_to_become_a_millionaire/
%
Little boy: Santa, I want a sibling for Christmas

Santa: Send me your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9p7qs/little_boy_santa_i_want_a_sibling_for_christmas/
%
I was at the bank today

An old woman asked if I could check her balance so I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9p6rt/i_was_at_the_bank_today/
%
When you try to change the current flowing through a solenoid and it resists

Weird flux but OK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9p034/when_you_try_to_change_the_current_flowing/
%
Last night, I came all over my wife's tits.

She was furious this morning when she looked at the birdcage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ozqp/last_night_i_came_all_over_my_wifes_tits/
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Why was Santa sick on the day after Christmas?

A couple of the chimneys he went down had the flue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ov16/why_was_santa_sick_on_the_day_after_christmas/
%
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9oufx/just_spent_300_on_a_limousine_and_discovered_that/
%
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walking JK Rowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ouc7/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
What is a skeleton's favourite fruit ?

A spineapple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9otmb/what_is_a_skeletons_favourite_fruit/
%
What's it called when Mrs Claus's trousers are too tight?

Mistletoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9orel/whats_it_called_when_mrs_clauss_trousers_are_too/
%
On night a kid walks in, just as his parents are have sex. He runs out crying.

Then next day, his mom goes to speak to him about it. "Did you see me last night on top of daddy, bouncing up and down?" The kid nodded. "You know daddy has a big belly, well I was trying to flatten it out" The kid says "That won't work" His mom smiled and said "Well, why not?" The kid says "Because in the afternoons, when you're at work, I always see Francesca the maid, on her knees blowing daddy right back up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9oq91/on_night_a_kid_walks_in_just_as_his_parents_are/
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What's the same between bud light and sex in a canoe?

They're both fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9olfr/whats_the_same_between_bud_light_and_sex_in_a/
%
Experts say men think about sex every 7 seconds

I try to eat hot dogs in 6 seconds so things don't get weird...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ol0n/experts_say_men_think_about_sex_every_7_seconds/
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The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is going to be one hell of a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9oh8d/the_average_person_has_sex_89_times_a_year/
%
Solid water is called ice.

It’s the cold, hard truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9oh4z/solid_water_is_called_ice/
%
What do you call a lion that sells sex for living?

A Carniwhore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9oeq5/what_do_you_call_a_lion_that_sells_sex_for_living/
%
Mum, why am I named Penny?

Mum: "Well, as you know, your dad has a habit of tossing and playing with a coin when he's nervous, and when you were born and your dad went to embrace you, the penny fell on your head. We named you accordingly."
Penny: "Wow, that's how I got my name!"
Daisy: :Mum, was that the same way I got my name?"
Mum: "When we exited the hospital, my colleague, who got the news of the birth late, jogged up and handed us a beautiful bouquet of flowers. One flower fell out, and it landed on your head. It was a daisy, so we named you accordingly, keeping to the tradition."
At this moment, a loud crash and wail was heard from the kitchen.
"Oi - shut up Brick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9od12/mum_why_am_i_named_penny/
%
He's got a point

Beer Bottle : You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror : You kidding me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom : Ha ha ha... (Walks off laughing)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9obrn/hes_got_a_point/
%
how many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

NONE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9obp2/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
Some guy called me a tool.

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ob95/some_guy_called_me_a_tool/
%
What did the homeless guy get for Christmas

Very hungry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9o8xn/what_did_the_homeless_guy_get_for_christmas/
%
Found this one in the local paper and translated it

So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up?
Santa because the first two don't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9o6yg/found_this_one_in_the_local_paper_and_translated/
%
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the two lovers and hides in the bedroom to watch.
The woman's husband comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says "Dark in here."
The man says "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice to know."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside"
Man - "Ok then, how much"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time asks the boy "how much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
They boy says "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says "$500"
The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those things cost.
I'm going to take you to the church so you can confess to your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boys says "Dark in here."
The Priest says "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9o5uo/a_woman_takes_a_lover_home_during_the_day_while/
%
A man is walking around, late at night, in the rain looking for a hotel to stay at.

Every single hotel he goes to is either closed or full. It's getting late but he keeps trying and trying. Finally he finds a dodgy, multi-storied, back-ally hotel and resigns himself to stay there for the night.
He goes in and no one is at the front desk. There are stains on the carpet, the wallpaper is torn and there is a strong pungent smell of wet animal permeating the air. He rings the bell at the front desk and a small, ugly man comes hobbling up to the counter.
"Can I help you?" Says the man, croakily with shaking hands.
"Uh... Yeah", says the man "Could I get a room for the night?"
"Of course, young man", says the old man, "The only room available tonight is the penthouse."
"That'll be fine", said the man.
"The penthouse is free for tonight", said the old man, reaching for the penthouse keys on the hook. "But I must ask you to not touch the gorilla", he adds quickly, handing the man the keys, "You will be alright as long as you do NOT touch him".
The man thinks this is odd, thanks the old man and heads towards the elevator before noticing the out of order sign on the door. The man sighs and heads for the door marked stairs.
He enters the door and climbs the first flight of stairs. When he gets to the first floor landing there is a massive pit of snakes in the floor. The man quickly runs back down the stairs to the ground floor and rings the bell on the reception desk. Once the old man appears he says, "What the hell!? There's a snake pit in the stairwell!"
"Of course", says the old man casually.
"Well how am I supposed to get to my room?"
"There is a plank that goes across the snake pit close to the wall that will help you get across safely."
So the man heads back up the stairs and sure enough, like the old man had said, there was a sturdy looking plank across the pit which the man used and easily crossed the snake pit. He continued climbing and on the building's second floor landing, where there should have been floor was now a large pond with alligator heads floating on the surface.
The the man goes back down the second flight of stairs, across the plank over the snake pit, down the first flight of stairs and back to the reception where he rings the bell again. Again the old man appears and he confronts him again.
"There's a bunch of gators in my way on the second floor!" He yells at the old man.
"You didn't see the stepping stones?"
"What stepping stones?" Says the man, now very tired and stressed.
"There are red stepping stones in the pond that we have trained the alligators to go nowhere near allowing you to cross."
So the man heads upstairs a third time, across the plank of wood, up the next flight of stairs and when he reaches the alligator pond, sure enough, large red stepping stones span the length of the pond. The man steps across cautiously and sure enough the alligators do not attack. The man climbs the third set of stairs.
ROAR!!!
On the 3rd floor landing is another pit filled with huge lions. The man looks left and right but does not see anywhere to step on to get across.
The man heads down the third flight of stairs, across the stepping stones to avoid the alligators, down the second flight of stairs, across the plank to avoid the snakes, down the first flight of stairs, runs to the reception desk and rings the bell. The old man comes out once more.
"The lions..." Begins the man, panting from exhaustion.
The old man cuts him off and simply says "Swing on the rope against the wall" and walks off.
The man catches his breath, gets up his nerves and begins his ascent up the first set of stairs, across the plank, up the second set of stairs, across the stepping stones, up the third set of stairs, notices the rope and without hesitation swings across safely.
He climbs the forth and final set of stairs and opens the door. He finally reached his room. The room is beautiful; clean, brightly colored, well furnished. The man is admiring the room when he spies in the corner of the room an enormous and monstrous gorilla. The man freezes in terror. Soft, heavy breaths are coming from the gorilla and the man soon realises it is asleep. He carefully and quietly makes his way across the room to the bed to try to finally get some sleep but is too scared by the presence of the gorilla and stays up half of the night.
Eventually the man has had enough and his curiosity overwhelms him; he must touch the gorilla. Slowly he moves over to the gorilla. Once close enough he reaches out a finger and lightly taps the gorilla on its arm.
Immediately the gorillas eyes shoot open; blood red and angry. It's nostrils flair and it lets out a humongous roar. The man flees.
He runs down the forth set of stairs - the gorilla breaks open the door. He swings across the lion pit and heads down the third set of stairs - the gorilla swings across quickly, making the lions cower in the process. The man steps across the stepping stones and descends the second lot of stairs - the gorilla smashes across the stones, cracking them with each step. The man crosses the planks and heads down the first flight of stairs - the gorilla leaps over the snake pit in a single leap.
The man slams the stairway door shut and runs to the reception. No one answers when he rings the bell. He runs to the front door and begins to shake it but it won't budge. He drops to the floor as the gorilla bursts through the stairway door.
The gorilla comes bounding over, closer and closer. He gets close to the man, reaches out his arm, pokes him in the shoulder and says "Tag, you're it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9nzur/a_man_is_walking_around_late_at_night_in_the_rain/
%
My friend who died last week left a note stating that his girlfriend was the reason for his suicide.

It was the only time in the last 3 years that they were both on the same page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9nxey/my_friend_who_died_last_week_left_a_note_stating/
%
My wife told me sex is better on holiday

...worst postcard ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9nsxw/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
%
An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and German are watching a street performer do some impressive juggling

As they watch him he throws flaming sticks in the air and twists them between his fingers before catching them with ease, he decides to start the next part of the act and slowly climbs up a tall ladder. Once at the top he spies the four men at the back, behind everyone in the audience who appear to have a bad veiw of the show and calls out "can you lot see alright back there?" The four reply:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ns9m/an_englishman_frenchman_spaniard_and_german_are/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks."
I said "Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9nlh3/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.

The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.'
"Why would I want a frog" says the woman.
The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"
The woman immediately buys the frog and takes it home.  That evening she bathes, dresses in her sexist lingerie, lays on her bed and places the frog between her legs....nothing happens.
The next day she calls us the pet store and complains to the shop assistant. He apologies profusely and says he doesn't know what happened and offers to come around and fix the problem.
When he arrives he ask the woman to recreate the scene and show him what she did. The woman does as instructed with the same result. The frog does nothing.
The man strokes his chin and thinks for a moment. Then places the frog to one side and says to it.
"Alright! I'm going to show you how to do this ONE last time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9njp4/a_woman_goes_to_a_pet_store_to_buy_a_companion/
%
When i told my dad i was joining the Air Force, he gave me one piece of advice...

Son, always pay attention on the flight line, because if you don't, you will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9nfyd/when_i_told_my_dad_i_was_joining_the_air_force_he/
%
The best part of insomnia is...

It's only 10 more sleeps until Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9neqb/the_best_part_of_insomnia_is/
%
What do you call a Russian blowing a Russian in the mountains?

Ural sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ndul/what_do_you_call_a_russian_blowing_a_russian_in/
%
What do you get when you put Scrabble letters in a leaf blower?

The Welsh Language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ncfl/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_scrabble_letters_in/
%
Someone got me a really ugly calculator for Christmas and I couldn't hide my disappointment.

Then I realised, it's what's on the inside that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9namf/someone_got_me_a_really_ugly_calculator_for/
%
A man goes to the local supermarket one day

to pick up some bread and milk when he notices an attractive woman waving at him.
The man is taken aback because the woman is so beautiful and he can’t figure out where he’s seen her before.
Curious, he walks up to the lady and asks her how she knows him.
“Oh,” she replies. “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Suddenly, the man has a flashback to his bachelor party several years before where he cheated on his wife with a stripper.
“My god, you’re the stripper from my bachelor party,” he says. “I made love to you on the pool table and all my mates watched on as your partner whipped my butt with a celery stick.”
The lady pauses for a moment and looks at the man dead in the eyes.
“No,” she says. “I’m your son’s teacher.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9n4ux/a_man_goes_to_the_local_supermarket_one_day/
%
Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason.

No, this does not mean that I am obligated to show you my breasts to prove their existence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9n4i8/yes_empirical_evidence_is_the_foundation_of/
%
A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are all sentenced to death via the guillotine...

The executioner tells the men, “if I pull the lever and the blade doesn’t drop, you’re free to go. And your sentence will count as paid in full.”
As the Doctor steps up to the guillotine, the executioner asks, “would you like to be face down or face up?” “I’ll go face up. It won’t matter,” replies the doctor.
The executioner pulls the lever, but nothing happens. “I guess you’re free to go,”
The lawyer steps up to the guillotine. the executioner asks, “would you like to be face down or face up?” “I’ll go face down. I don’t want to see when happens.”
Once again, the executioner pulls the lever and nothing happens. The lawyer is released and free to go.
The engineer walks up to the guillotine. the executioner asks, “would you like to be face down or face up?” “Hmmm. Ah what the hell I’ll go face up.” Responds the engineer.
As the executioner reaches for the lever, the engineer cries out, “wait wait wait! I think I see the problem!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9n4fp/a_doctor_a_lawyer_and_an_engineer_are_all/
%
I recently bought a Christmas Tree. The guy I bought it from asked "Are you gonna put it up yourself?"

I said, "No, I was thinking in the living room"
- Gary Delaney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9n282/i_recently_bought_a_christmas_tree_the_guy_i/
%
What do you call Santa's little helpers?

Subordinate clauses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9n1nw/what_do_you_call_santas_little_helpers/
%
A Flat Tire.

An Inuit is visiting Scotland and his rental car got a flat tire. After getting towed to the local Auto repair garage, the mechanic looks at it and says, "looks like you blew a seal."
To which the Inuit replied, "Well, you fucked a sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9mwa9/a_flat_tire/
%
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question

"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9mw79/a_teenage_girl_come_home_from_school_and_asks_her/
%
where do you find a dog with no legs?

right where you left him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9msb0/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one but it’s already been changed three times today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9mo9d/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Have you guys seen this movie about a gay guy trying to get financing for his car?

it's called Homo loan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9mg6r/have_you_guys_seen_this_movie_about_a_gay_guy/
%
How does a gigolo introduce himself?

"Hi, I'm meat to please you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9mcna/how_does_a_gigolo_introduce_himself/
%
Little boy tells his teacher he found a dead cat...

"Well, how did you know it was dead?", asks the teacher.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it did not move", tells the boy nonchalantly.
"You did whaat now??!", screamed the teacher ready to faint.
"You know", explains the boy, "I just leant over and went psst in its ear and it did not even move..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9m8y9/little_boy_tells_his_teacher_he_found_a_dead_cat/
%
What do you call a Gay Jew?

A Heblew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9m4yh/what_do_you_call_a_gay_jew/
%
Why did the two podiatrists hate each other?

They were arch enemies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9m29c/why_did_the_two_podiatrists_hate_each_other/
%
Apple pie costs 2$ in Cuba

Pumpkin pie costs 3$ in  Jamaica
Banana pie costs 2.5$ in  Puerto Rico
These are the PieRates of the Caribbean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9lwwn/apple_pie_costs_2_in_cuba/
%
What do you call a group of Caucasians rolling down a hill?

A cracker barrel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9lu1g/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_caucasians_rolling/
%
NSFW - This guy sees his appendage in comparison to the guy next to him in the bathroom.

#NSFW
So this white guy notices that the black guy next to him at the urinal has a larger dick.  It's not the first time he noticed the relationship.  Finally, he summons the courage to ask.  "Why are your black dicks larger than our white dicks ?"
The black guy chuckles.   "It's cultural." he says  "You see,  when we are little our mothers tie a weight onto our penis and let it stretch out."  WoW thinks the first guy  "Do you think it would work with me?"  "Sure, why not,  except you aren't so little anymore, so you better use a big weight".
So the white guy ties a brick around his member and staggers around the neighborhood awhile.  A few days later they happen to cross paths again.  The white guy is slowly walking bowlegged, so the black guy asks "Are you still working on that little project of yours ?".  "Oh Yeah",  he replied,  "It's not much longer, but it's already turned black".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9lsec/nsfw_this_guy_sees_his_appendage_in_comparison_to/
%
Why cant blind people eat fish?

They can't sea food!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9lq9v/why_cant_blind_people_eat_fish/
%
What's alike about Trump's kids and Syria?

He had awful timing pulling out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9lmap/whats_alike_about_trumps_kids_and_syria/
%
A man stands before a judge for his trial

Judge: Alright, what are the charges.
Defendant: Your honor, I am an innocent man.  My only crime is doing my Christmas shopping early.
Judge: That's certainly not illegal.  Out of curiosity, how early were you shopping.
Defendant: 3 hours before the store opened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ljzp/a_man_stands_before_a_judge_for_his_trial/
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How does a barber cut the moon’s hair?

E-clipse it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9lj7q/how_does_a_barber_cut_the_moons_hair/
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A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9lj17/a_little_girl_and_boy_are_fighting_about_the/
%
A bear and a rabbit was walking in a forest, and they met a genie

The genie granted them each 3 wishes
The bear wished that all the bears in the local area were girls (the bear is a guy) and the rabbit wished for a motorbike. The bear then wished that all the bears in the the country were girls except for him, and the rabbit wished for a motorbike helmet. The bear then wished that all the bears in the world were girls except for him. The rabbit then wished the bear was gay, and rode of in its motorbike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9lb6l/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_was_walking_in_a_forest_and/
%
If bruce willis died of a viagra overdose,

would the news headlines read “bruce willis dies hard”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9laq1/if_bruce_willis_died_of_a_viagra_overdose/
%
What is spidermans favorite road?

Peter parkway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9l8jm/what_is_spidermans_favorite_road/
%
What do you call a wreath made of $100 bills?

Aretha franklins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9l88v/what_do_you_call_a_wreath_made_of_100_bills/
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What do you call a dating app for Catholic priests?

Answer: Kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9l52a/what_do_you_call_a_dating_app_for_catholic_priests/
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My friend thinks that pronouncing words like a Russian makes him sound cool

I tried to tell him to stop, but he insists it’s funny.
If he wants to walk around everywhere sounding like an idiot, then soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9kzj4/my_friend_thinks_that_pronouncing_words_like_a/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ku2x/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
What did the horse say to the scarecrow?

Hay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9kszn/what_did_the_horse_say_to_the_scarecrow/
%
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9krl1/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
What do you call a car that's been covered in chocolate?

A Ferrari Rocher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9kqhf/what_do_you_call_a_car_thats_been_covered_in/
%
#MeToo seems a little inappropriate

How does a movement against rape benefit from saying "Pound me too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9kjvn/metoo_seems_a_little_inappropriate/
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A friend of mine overdosed on viagra today.

No one was surprised. He’d had a pretty hard life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9kid6/a_friend_of_mine_overdosed_on_viagra_today/
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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives

.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're on the team for this Sunday's match!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9kice/two_90_year_old_men_mike_and_joe_have_been/
%
What do men with erectile dysfunction and the punch line of an anti-joke have in common?

They never come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ki72/what_do_men_with_erectile_dysfunction_and_the/
%
What do you call dangerous precipitation?

A rain of terror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9khvt/what_do_you_call_dangerous_precipitation/
%
A group of Christians are tasked with changing a lightbulb.

The Charismatic changes it easily; his hands are already up.
The Roman Catholic refuses; he prefers candles.
The Pentecostal changes it while his friends pray against the Lord of Darkness.
The Christian Scientist can't, but he prays for the light to turn back on.
The Calvinist refuses; God has predestined when the light will be on.
The Episcopalian changes the lightbulb while his friends say how much they liked the old one.
The Mormon tries to change it as five wives tell him how to do it right.
The Baptist changes the lightbulb, gets it approved by three committees, and then they all eat some casserole.
The Lutheran refuses:  he doesn't believe in change.
The Unitarian chooses not to make a statement either in favor of, or against, the need for a lightbulb.  However, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, you are encouraged to create a poem or modern dance about your personal relationship with the lightbulb, and present it next Sunday when we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, halogen, compact fluorescent, low-pressure sodium, and LED, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9kffy/a_group_of_christians_are_tasked_with_changing_a/
%
Three men are walking through a jungle when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals.

The men are informed by the chief that they will be eaten, and their skins used for canoes. They are allowed to choose how they die, however. The first man opts for one of the cannibals to break his neck. The second man chooses to down a vial of cyanide. The third man, however, takes a fork from his pocket and stabs himself all over, all the while yelling, "Screw your goddamn canoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9keqd/three_men_are_walking_through_a_jungle_when_they/
%
As a frugal shopper, I was thrilled when I saw a great deal on used tampons. Best part?

No strings attached

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9k9wk/as_a_frugal_shopper_i_was_thrilled_when_i_saw_a/
%
My teachers always told me I couldn't do poetry because of my dyslexia, but I really showed them...

I made a mug, a vase, and a pot just today!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9k9fl/my_teachers_always_told_me_i_couldnt_do_poetry/
%
Why is Indiana Jones sad?

Because his career is in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9k4kt/why_is_indiana_jones_sad/
%
What's the difference between Disneyland America and Disneyland Thailand?

In Thailand, you pay extra for the happy ending with each ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9jzyg/whats_the_difference_between_disneyland_america/
%
A two-seater plane crashed in a cemetery in Lahore

Pakistani police has so far discovered 25 bodies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9jyzh/a_twoseater_plane_crashed_in_a_cemetery_in_lahore/
%
Arnold Schwarznegger owned a sporting good store.

He was never good with numbers so instead of numbering the aisles, he used a letter system.
One day a customer came in and asked Mr. Schwarznegger where they keep their firearms. Arnold is a smart business man and is concerned for safety. He doesn't keep expensive merchandise at the front of the store or on the sides of the store where he can't easily monitor the customers.  Arnold also doesn't have a lot of time to talk with customers because he's such a busy guy.  He keeps things simple.
So Arnold replies to the customer "Aisle B, back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9jwwa/arnold_schwarznegger_owned_a_sporting_good_store/
%
Santa goes to his dentist..

... complaining about his dentures wearing out.
"It seems like they're corroding, doc! What am I doing wrong?"
The dentist looked concerned. "Have there been any changes to your diet?"
"As a matter of fact," said Santa, "Mrs Claus has started making a wonderful hollandaise! I've been putting it on everything!"
"That's it!" exclaimed the dentist. "I know how to fix this! I'll get you fitted for a set of chrome denture plates."
"Chrome?" said Santa, confused.
"Of course!" said the dentist. "After all...
" There's no Plates Like Chrome For the Hollandaise!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9jnre/santa_goes_to_his_dentist/
%
Statistically, I have sex 86 times per year.

This is going to be an exciting week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9jmjc/statistically_i_have_sex_86_times_per_year/
%
What’s the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer balls, they’re under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9jmcf/whats_the_cheapest_kind_of_meat/
%
Why do women make better soldiers than men?

They could bleed for a week and not die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9jlt9/why_do_women_make_better_soldiers_than_men/
%
There are so many scams on the internet. It’s hard to avoid them.

Luckily I know how. Pm me $19.95 and I’ll explain the details.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9jlje/there_are_so_many_scams_on_the_internet_its_hard/
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...

OR DO THEY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9jl8u/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.  The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.  He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked.  Man, she is fine!"  The biker looked at him and didn't say a word.  His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing.  His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"  The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9jctb/three_guys_were_sitting_in_a_biker_bar/
%
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9jbnx/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
%
I gave my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday

That's makes the girls I've made wet -1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9jbj1/i_gave_my_umbrella_to_a_hot_girl_yesterday/
%
How are breasts like toy trains?

They're both meant for kids but grown men can't resist playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9j4za/how_are_breasts_like_toy_trains/
%
A Holiday Story

Back in the 1970s an Alaskan lawyer found out he had a long lost cousin in Czechoslovakia. In letters, the Czech mentioned he always wanted to see Alaska, so they arrange for him to come for a visit over the Christmas break.
While he's there the Alaskan takes him for a hike through the woods. Suddenly, a huge angry bear pops out of nowhere. The hams run but the visitor is too slow and the bear catches him and eats him (as bears are so prone to do).
When the local guy gets to town, he goes to the Sheriff to report what happened and they decide they'll need to investigate it to avoid an international incident. He sends some deputies out with tranquilizer guns and they come back with two bears -- a male and a female.
The Sheriff asks him if he can tell which bear attacked them. The lawyer says, "I'd know him anywhere! That's him!" and points to the male.
The Sheriff shakes his head no and directs the vet to kill the female and gut her. When he does, they find the remains of the visiting man.
The vet was talking to the Sheriff later and said, "How did you know he was wrong?"
The Sheriff said, "You never trust a lawyer when he tells you the Czech is in the male."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9j3r6/a_holiday_story/
%
I was a rather optimistic child

I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9j1e7/i_was_a_rather_optimistic_child/
%
Why can’t the snake have children?

Ereptile Dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9izsp/why_cant_the_snake_have_children/
%
[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9iyaf/at_a_parole_hearing_officer_tell_me_why_should/
%
The Ice Cream Truck

On a hot sunny day, the ice cream truck was driving slowly until the driver saw a woman chasing frantically down the sidewalk, screaming "Hey, Wait!"
He stops, parks and opens the window, with a smile.
"What'll it be lady?"
She tries to catch her breath, but she manages to tell him in between gasps.
"Nothing, I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ixek/the_ice_cream_truck/
%
I think my girlfriend may be cheating on me.

When I got home early from work, something just didn’t seem right. I even asked the guy in bed with her if he had noticed anything suspicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9irpb/i_think_my_girlfriend_may_be_cheating_on_me/
%
What do Judah and the Lion do when they get Christmas presents they don't like?

They take it all back, take it all back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ipbt/what_do_judah_and_the_lion_do_when_they_get/
%
Manufacturer closes before Christmas

The town manufacturer moved their operations to another country, to pay lower wages.  The people who worked in the town, lost their jobs and were suddenly thrust into poverty.
An entrepreneur heard about this situation.  Joseph P Klanta was operating several manufacturing operations.  His sales of cutting equipment was growing rapidly.  The one plant that he had could not keep up with the demand.
Joseph met with the town commissioners and discussed using the closed plant for his expansion.  After several weeks of discussion, Joseph was able to work out a suitable deal, which would allow him to hire all of the workers who lost their jobs
He figured that he could catch up with orders for table, circular, jig and reciprocating saws in time to get them shipped by Christmas.
The commissioners held a town hall to announce the good news.   When the workers heard the news, in unison, they all exclaimed with glee, "Klanta Saws is coming to town."
Merry Christmas all !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ilk5/manufacturer_closes_before_christmas/
%
The Pope, Donald Trump, Lionel Messi, and a 14 year old boy are flying on a plane together.

Halfway into the flight, the pilots announce that the plane is going down, and that there are only three parachutes on board.
Lionel Messi grabs a parachute and says “Well guys, I’m the best football player in the world. My fans and millions of people worldwide need me!”, and jumps out of the plane.
Donald Trump grabs a parachute and says “Well guys, I’m the smartest president in the history of the world! I am the only hope for my country and its people!”, and jumps out of the plane.
The Pope looks at the child sadly and says:
“Listen son, I have lived a full life dedicated to helping others. Take the last parachute and save yourself.”
The child, wide-eyed, looks at the Pope and replies:
“That’s okay, Sir! The smartest president in history took my backpack!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ik3x/the_pope_donald_trump_lionel_messi_and_a_14_year/
%
My history teacher always makes this joke so I just wanted to share it. Government conferences shouldn't be called conferences.

They should be called government man dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9iig8/my_history_teacher_always_makes_this_joke_so_i/
%
My dog can speak English!

I asked him what was on top of the house and he said : roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9igob/my_dog_can_speak_english/
%
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.

A doctor came to greet him.
"Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked.
"I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied.
"Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital."
"I'm not a president. I'm an airport."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ifz3/a_new_patient_arrived_at_a_mental_hospital/
%
I stopped drinking alcohol once I found out that it had female hormones in it

Whenever I would drink, I would start talking nonsense and my driving skills went to crap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ict0/i_stopped_drinking_alcohol_once_i_found_out_that/
%
Two german tourists walk into an american bar

One of them says:
"-We would like a martini please!"
The bartender responds:
"-Dry?"
"-Nein, zwei"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9icog/two_german_tourists_walk_into_an_american_bar/
%
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.  When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.  The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord.  It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money.  However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ibwp/a_little_boy_wanted_100_badly_and_prayed_for_two/
%
A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9iagj/a_man_is_on_trial_for_killing_and_eating_a/
%
A good percentage of my friends are nazis.

That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of Nazis friends to have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9i946/a_good_percentage_of_my_friends_are_nazis/
%
What do you call a doggo in a pool.

A subwoofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9i8cc/what_do_you_call_a_doggo_in_a_pool/
%
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!
But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out!
The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out!
The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.
By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.
The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9i7bw/a_man_was_waiting_for_his_wife_to_give_birth/
%
A Christmas tradition...

It was Christmas eve and Santa was in a really foul mood. The elves were on strike, Mrs. Claus was having one of her snit-fits, and the reindeer had gotten sick with dysentery and were tracking the results everywhere.
Just then, an angel appeared with a Christmas tree. "Hey, Santa! Where should I stick this?"
And that, son, is why we put an angel on top of the tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9i33b/a_christmas_tradition/
%
An old man and a young man work together in an office.

The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies.  "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9i2x0/an_old_man_and_a_young_man_work_together_in_an/
%
Why do Santa and Mrs. Clause not have any children?

Because he only comes once a year and, when he does it's in the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9i2rl/why_do_santa_and_mrs_clause_not_have_any_children/
%
I got the weirdest reaction from a girl whenI held the door open for her

She kept screaming things like “who the hell are you!” and “this is the girl’s bathroom!”
—-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9i0yk/i_got_the_weirdest_reaction_from_a_girl_wheni/
%
What fits well between breasts, comes in various sizes and colors, can be long and can be short, is very flexible, and is something that women don't normally have?

A tie, you dirty minded fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hzzt/what_fits_well_between_breasts_comes_in_various/
%
When I was a younger kid, I smart-mouthed my mom and she told me to 'watch it'.

Now I'm afraid of clowns and balloons. What was mom thinking?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hzjn/when_i_was_a_younger_kid_i_smartmouthed_my_mom/
%
There’s two reasons not to drink toilet water

Number 1 and number 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hy0m/theres_two_reasons_not_to_drink_toilet_water/
%
"When you saw an Asian woman driving, you should have moved a bit away from the road",

Said the doctor to an injured man.
Injured man: "What road? I was napping on a bench in a park"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hwlo/when_you_saw_an_asian_woman_driving_you_should/
%
A Russian, a Frenchman and a German...

...go high diving at a swimming pool. They each get to wish for a liquid to jump in.
The russian goes first. He gets up the tower, of course, wishes for vodka and so he lands ina pool full of vodka.
Next up was the Frenchman. He climbed the tower, shouted "Wine!" and he jumped into the pool, filled with dark red wine.
Next, the German climbs the tower. Of course, he will wish for beer and he is getting ready to run alonge the board, when suddenly, he slips and curses "Scheiße!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hurt/a_russian_a_frenchman_and_a_german/
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What do you call a white man surrounded by a hundred black men?

Coach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9htce/what_do_you_call_a_white_man_surrounded_by_a/
%
What did Santa Claus say the three prostitutes?

Merry Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hsgz/what_did_santa_claus_say_the_three_prostitutes/
%
Why did Santa Clause divorce Mrs.Clause?

Cause she was a Hoe Hoe Hoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hs9l/why_did_santa_clause_divorce_mrsclause/
%
When Do Astronauts Eat?

At launch time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hrpx/when_do_astronauts_eat/
%
Rednecks have a pretty predictable stance on sex ed.

If you're a redneck with a son, it's go forth and multiply, it's your God-given right and duty!
If you're a redneck with a daughter, it's don't have sex, I'll make sure your suitor leaves with bullet holes.
If you're a redneck with both, you don't bother. They already know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hr2p/rednecks_have_a_pretty_predictable_stance_on_sex/
%
What do you call a duel between mexicans?

A Juan on juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hqyj/what_do_you_call_a_duel_between_mexicans/
%
What's the most dangerous race in the world?

The Dakar Rally, you racist motherfuckers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hpdp/whats_the_most_dangerous_race_in_the_world/
%
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?

A microtransaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hogj/what_do_you_call_two_transgender_midgets_having/
%
Where does Santa go to relax after Christmas?

Santa Cruz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hnnc/where_does_santa_go_to_relax_after_christmas/
%
Did you know Superman has a brother who doesn't celebrate Christmas?

His name is No-El.
Merry Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hl3q/did_you_know_superman_has_a_brother_who_doesnt/
%
A blonde was down on her luck

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hkxs/a_blonde_was_down_on_her_luck/
%
A British, A German and an American military doctor were competing on who had done the greatest accomplishment during their careers.

The Brit said that he had replaced a blown off leg with a wooden one and the man had  went on to become an acrobat.
The German said that that was nothing and that he had replaced a blown off arm with a wooden one and the man had went on to become Germany's greatest drummer.
The American scoffed at the others accomplishments and said that he had replaced a blown off head with a wooden one and the man was now the president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hk8d/a_british_a_german_and_an_american_military/
%
I regret going to that B-52's concert.

They bombed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hhxq/i_regret_going_to_that_b52s_concert/
%
What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex.

You don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hgq1/what_do_you_call_a_chick_who_wont_perform_oral_sex/
%
An old man boards a plane to Paris.

He is very excited to visit and is talking with the other passengers. Before takeoff, there is a dispute as to whether a French family has found their seats correctly or not. In an attempt to find their seats, the stewardess asks the people around them for their tickets. Eventually, she reaches the elderly man, and in French asks for his ticket. “I’m sorry, I don’t speak the language,” he says. She repeats to him in English, “may I see your ticket, sir?”
The old man says, “Yes, of course. I’m sorry, I didn’t know I’d have to have it ready.”
She replies, “have you ever been to France?”
“Yes, once a long time ago.”
With this she says with impatience, “Then I would expect you to have your ticket ready.”
The old man looks up at the stewardess and says, “Well, when I came last time, there were no Frenchmen on Omaha beach to give my ticket to.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hfrj/an_old_man_boards_a_plane_to_paris/
%
A gas problem

An old lady goes to the doctor.
&nbsp;
-Doctor, I have a problem with flatulences, but in reality, it doesn't bother me much, since they never smell and are always silent. Let me give you a concrete example:
Since I entered your office, I've already farted, at least, about 20 times. I bet that you didn't know I was farting, because they don't smell and are silent.
&nbsp;
The doctor just says:
I know, I know... Take these remedies, take them 4 times a day, and come back here next week.
&nbsp;
In the next week, the lady comes back, but very upset and grumbling:
-Doctor, I don't know what the fuck you gave me, because now my farts, although still silent, smell terribly bad.
&nbsp;
The doctor says:
-Good sign! - Now that we cured your sinusitis, let's treat your ears...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hc37/a_gas_problem/
%
How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

Nothing, it's on the house!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hbxf/how_much_does_santas_sleigh_cost/
%
What’s the difference between orange juice and a Jew? (This is a racist joke)

None, they are both concentrated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9hbi9/whats_the_difference_between_orange_juice_and_a/
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Pat and Mick were in the pub

Monday night and Pats at the bar when Mick walks in with a black eye.
Pat: "What happened you, Mick?"
Mick: "I was in Mass yesterday and Missus Mckenna was sitting infront of me when I notice her dress tucked in between her bum cheeks.  So I pull the dress out but she turns around a decks me!  I was only trying to help!"
So next Monday comes around again and Mick walks into the bar again with another black eye.
Pat: "What happened this time Mick?"
Mick: "I was in Mass again and Missus Mckennas dress was tucked in her bum again"
Pat: " Awk Mick didnt you learn from last time?"
Mick: "I did! But Rory saw it too so he pulled it out"
Pat: "Well how did you end up with the black eye?"
Mick: "Well I know how how she doesn't like it being pulled out so I shoved it back in again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9h2yv/pat_and_mick_were_in_the_pub/
%
What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?

An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9h1un/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_with_a_bullet_wound/
%
Why are complex villains always buried 15ft down?

Because deep down, they’re very good people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9gut0/why_are_complex_villains_always_buried_15ft_down/
%
Be extra safe on the roads today everybody, us men will be drinking

Which means our women will be driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9gsr9/be_extra_safe_on_the_roads_today_everybody_us_men/
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Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do

Like fucking the president.
\-Jeff Ross

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9gsah/immigrants_are_good_cause_they_do_jobs_no/
%
What do you call bankrupt Santa?

St. Nickel-less.
Badum-tss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9gpwd/what_do_you_call_bankrupt_santa/
%
Women are like cars

You spend your entire adolescence waiting to ride one and then you end up paying for it every month and you don’t even feel satisfied about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9gixm/women_are_like_cars/
%
Christmas tip

: wrap a bunch of empty boxes under the tree and every time one your kids misbehaves toss one into the fire
Of course be careful not to run out of children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9giqe/christmas_tip/
%
If Jesus died for our sin..

Then who died for our cos and tan?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ghrg/if_jesus_died_for_our_sin/
%
Two Elves walk into a bar,

The hobbit laughs and walks under it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ghp0/two_elves_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why are prisoners incarcerated for life really bad at writing?

They're doomed to never finish their sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9gfkw/why_are_prisoners_incarcerated_for_life_really/
%
A Chinese kid asked his mom if he can have a dog for Christmas

His mom said no.
He gets turkey and stuffing like everyone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9gccf/a_chinese_kid_asked_his_mom_if_he_can_have_a_dog/
%
What do you call a road to Bethlehem

Highway to the manger zone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9g7pj/what_do_you_call_a_road_to_bethlehem/
%
How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9g4vd/how_did_luke_skywalker_know_what_darth_vader_was/
%
What is Santa's favorite Las Vegas attraction?

Cirque du Sleigh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9g4b6/what_is_santas_favorite_las_vegas_attraction/
%
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Their days are numbered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9g2wh/why_is_it_getting_harder_to_buy_advent_calendars/
%
So, I went to a ninja parade

It was a complete rip off. I didn't see a damn thing, but I kept finding candy in my pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9g2nv/so_i_went_to_a_ninja_parade/
%
Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9fvdn/why_is_ea_the_worst_gaming_company_in_america/
%
The lesbian couple I invited to dinner asked me how I view lesbian relationships...

Apparently “in HD” was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ftj2/the_lesbian_couple_i_invited_to_dinner_asked_me/
%
What's green and slippery?

Two adjectives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9fslg/whats_green_and_slippery/
%
My girlfriend tells me that I quote Donald Trump way too much.

She's spreading fake news. Sad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9fqiq/my_girlfriend_tells_me_that_i_quote_donald_trump/
%
I always wanted to try Tony Hawk games

But they say there's too much grind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9fo2h/i_always_wanted_to_try_tony_hawk_games/
%
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?

Because he always accepts cookies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9fmwd/why_is_it_so_easy_to_track_santa_on_christmas_eve/
%
What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

I don't like brussel sprouts!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9fj5o/whats_the_most_popular_wine_at_christmas/
%
Mountains aren’t just funny...

They’re hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9fecb/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9fdss/on_my_first_day_in_prison_my_cellmate_said_to_me/
%
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.
"Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
The man replied, "These are Carol's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9fda2/three_men_died_on_christmas_eve_and_were_met_by/
%
A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica:

most men know it's there, but few really care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9fbil/a_clitoris_is_a_lot_like_antarctica/
%
Why does Santa go down a chimney on Christmas?

Because it soots him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9f8xl/why_does_santa_go_down_a_chimney_on_christmas/
%
A new scientific study claims that fertility is hereditary.

If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you wouldn't have any either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9f8ed/a_new_scientific_study_claims_that_fertility_is/
%
Whenever I have sex with my girlfriend, I let out this embarrassingly loud, deep breaths.

But it’s ok. She told me sighs don’t matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9f6j0/whenever_i_have_sex_with_my_girlfriend_i_let_out/
%
Both the milk man and his daughter

Had quite the dairy heir

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9f5p4/both_the_milk_man_and_his_daughter/
%
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in*‘unt*?”
Only one word leaps to his mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is *aunt*."
“Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9f4gl/a_gentleman_is_preparing_to_board_a_plane_when_he/
%
Why does Captain Hook not have children ?

Because he once scratched his balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9f3xs/why_does_captain_hook_not_have_children/
%
What did the surgeon say to the patient who wanted to close up his own incision ?

Suture self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9f0ic/what_did_the_surgeon_say_to_the_patient_who/
%
Just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out...

...must have been from my uncle Ben.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ev10/just_opened_a_christmas_card_and_rice_fell_out/
%
Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he knows where all the bad girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9erf0/why_is_santa_so_jolly/
%
Just a reminder, Walmart will be closed on Christmas.

So both of their cashiers can spend the day with their families.
Merry Christmas everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9eq1s/just_a_reminder_walmart_will_be_closed_on/
%
What do you call a sharpened candy cane?

A spearmint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ep89/what_do_you_call_a_sharpened_candy_cane/
%
Flat-earthers have only one fear.

Getting buried too deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9enqh/flatearthers_have_only_one_fear/
%
Why do Pirates love to frequent Reddit?

It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9enbt/why_do_pirates_love_to_frequent_reddit/
%
How do you describe a Cannibal

Someone who is fed up with people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ej58/how_do_you_describe_a_cannibal/
%
So I figured out why so many religions don't allow women to have multiple partners.

It's because they're holey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ei50/so_i_figured_out_why_so_many_religions_dont_allow/
%
Her: you never listen to me. You only hear what you wanna hear.

He: sure,  i.ll have beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9egvh/her_you_never_listen_to_me_you_only_hear_what_you/
%
There once was a young engineer,

who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.
He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing.
The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set.
He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success.
He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing.
The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it.
His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris.
It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy.
Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9eglf/there_once_was_a_young_engineer/
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Trump, Saudi King & Putin find a Lamp on a golf course.

During a world leaders meeting President Trump, The Saudi King and Vladimir Putin take time out to go for a stroll to examine the resorts golf course and settle their differences.
Whilst over the green on the 1st hole President Trump and Putin get into a heated argument. The Saudi King takes a step back and trips over unearthing a metal lamp.
He picks it up, rubs it and out pops a Genie. Putin and Trump stop arguing immediately whilst in awe of the spectacular beast.
The Genie: Tells the Saudi King you’ve got “three wis..”..“Stop right there!” says Trump!
Trump: “This has to be the worse deal in the history of deals,...we were also a part of finding you here okay...so we should get a wish each!”
All parties agree on something for the first time and each get a wish.
The Saudi King goes first, and says “Oh Genie for years I’ve been getting sand in everything. It’s in my underwear, my cars, my hotels, my planes. All I’ve wanted was to have a safe, fruitful and bountiful country with green grass and clean water and no sand....Say no more, says the Genie. **snap of the fingers** It’s done. The U.A.E becomes a peaceful country, with green grass, fruit trees and waterfalls.
Vladimir Putin says, “Genie I’d like to wi.. ..”..”Wait!” Scream’s Trump “I’m going next!” Catching onto a good idea after the Saudi Kings wish.
Trump: “Genie, I want everything that Saudi King just wished for, plus...I want all their Oil...and...Gold AND... since those lazy Mexicans won’t build my wall, I want a 150foot high wall. I want it to be made from indestructible concrete surrounding my entire country. I want not so much as an ant to be able to get in or out...Okay!” Say no more, says the Genie. **snap of the fingers** It’s done. The U.S becomes economically independent, with an impenetrable fortress wall surrounding every inch.
Geanie: ..and you Mr. Putin,....what can I do for you?
Putin: You see that wall? **pointing to the U.S**.....Fill the cunt up with water!!
Edited: For the spelling police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9egid/trump_saudi_king_putin_find_a_lamp_on_a_golf/
%
Diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in the jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9eevk/diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
What did I get for Christmas you ask?

I got depressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9e9rs/what_did_i_get_for_christmas_you_ask/
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You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes...

....no seriously, you’ve got to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9e5lj/youve_got_to_hand_it_to_blind_prostitutes/
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A penguin was driving his car through town...

A penguin is driving through town when his car breaks down.
He pushes it into the nearest mechanic shop, drops it off and the mechanic says he’ll have a look and to give him an hour.
So the penguin goes for a walk around town, down to the beach, has a bit of a wander around and then decides to get back.
Stops past the local ice-cream shop for a vanilla cone, having a wonderful time.
He eventually gets back to the mechanic shop.
The mechanic says to him “You’ve blown a seal.”
The penguin, wiping the ice-cream from around his lips replies ”No, no, no….it’s just ice-cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9e4py/a_penguin_was_driving_his_car_through_town/
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[NSFW] A man goes hunting for bears...

Deep in the woods, he spots a large grizzly. He raises his gun, aims for the heart, and pulls the trigger. *Click*
The bear approaches him smiling and says "Nice try, now either you bend over or I eat you."
The man bends over, and the bear proceeds to rip off his clothes and bugger him for the next hour before letting him go. The man stumbles back to his house, humiliated.
The next day he grabs his gun and goes looking for revenge. After several hours, he spots the bear again. He raises his gun, and fires it successfully, but this time he misses the bear by a few inches. The bear approaches him again with a large grin and again says "Either bend over or I eat you."
The man bends over a second time and the bear shags him for two hours before allowing him to leave. He crawls back home.
On the third day, he sees the bear again. He raises his gun and pulls the trigger before realising he forgot to load it. The bear approaches laughing and shaking his head and says "The first two times, sure, but you're not here for the hunting, are ya?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9e4ps/nsfw_a_man_goes_hunting_for_bears/
%
My teacher asked me to use 5 words to describe myself.

I said “lazy..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9e3mw/my_teacher_asked_me_to_use_5_words_to_describe/
%
Christmas is the present holiday.

(Yes, that's a pun.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9e0aa/christmas_is_the_present_holiday/
%
Yo, could you tell me the chemical formula for Nitric Oxide?

NO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9dzpg/yo_could_you_tell_me_the_chemical_formula_for/
%
What do you call a high ranking cat

An Aristocat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9dzl6/what_do_you_call_a_high_ranking_cat/
%
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

Poker Face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9dyx6/how_do_you_make_lady_gaga_cry/
%
A friend of mine had a terrible accident in a baguette factory.

He's now in a lot of pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9dwnt/a_friend_of_mine_had_a_terrible_accident_in_a/
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A bad Dad joke to go with your equally bad Christmas cracker jokes

One day a carpenter started to get out of bed to go to work, before being hit by abdominal pain so bad he had to lay down again. His wife was concerned but he waved her away, called off work, took a laxative, ate a hearty meal, and went back to sleep.
The next day the carpenter went to get up again, before being hit by even worse abdominal pain. Still having not gone to the toilet he decided something had to be done, and went next door to his friend the Farmer to borrow a horse laxative. He called off work, took the laxative, reassured his wife he'd go to the doctor if he didn't improve, ate a hearty meal, and went back to sleep.
That next day he woke up with crippling abdominal pain so bad he could barely move. He dragged himself to the doctors, only to have the Doctor not believe him. "My good man," the Doctor said, "there's no way a simple lack of bowel movement could cause pain this great. It must be something more." Rebuffed but furious the carpenter decided to prove to the doctor how wrong he was, and this time took the whole bottle of laxatives before falling asleep.
In the middle of the night the carpenter woke up with a deep rumbling in his stomach, and rushed to the toilet, making it with seconds to spare. His belly gurglings were so loud they woke up the entire household, and as he crouched over the toilet bowl the floodgates opened and he pinched the fattest loaf of his life. The turd was so large it barely fit in the toilet bowl, but the invigorated yet still pained carpenter was ecstatic. "Ha! I'll show the Doctor," he thought, "there's no way this turd wasn't the source of my pain. I say, its larger than my cat!". Thus said, he scraped up the offending article and drove off down to the clinic.
The carpenter smugly presented his prize to the Doctor, expecting astonishment. He was shocked however, when the Doctor didn't even blink.
"Well?", said the watchful Carpenter, "won't you admit you were wrong all along about my bowel movements?"
"Not at all", said the Doctor. "Indeed, are you not still in pain?"
"Ah, well... that is to say... yes," admitted the shamefaced Carpenter.
"Well then," said the now self-satisfied Doctor. "Don't you know? A good workman never blames his stools."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9doav/a_bad_dad_joke_to_go_with_your_equally_bad/
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Elon Musk has a plan to design electronic grass for Mars

He’s calling it an E-Lawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9dms4/elon_musk_has_a_plan_to_design_electronic_grass/
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Cemeteries are the most popular place in the world!!

People are just DYING to get in them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9dhyx/cemeteries_are_the_most_popular_place_in_the_world/
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I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9dhsx/i_dont_mean_to_brag_but_my_christmas_wrapping_is/
%
Why didn't Donald Trump go to midnight Mass?

Fake pews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9dhlb/why_didnt_donald_trump_go_to_midnight_mass/
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I hate Christmas

Whoever this holiday is meant for should be nailed up on a fucking cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9dgtz/i_hate_christmas/
%
Interviewer : what is your father's name?

He: his name is laughing.
Interviewer:  what? And your mother's name?
He:  My mother's name is smiling.
Interviewer:  are you kidding?
He:  No,  he's my brother.
I am JOKING.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9dfy9/interviewer_what_is_your_fathers_name/
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Late Christmas present

Dear Ben
While going through the garage to look for the Christmas tree I found a present I meant to give to you
I know it's a year later
But you would have loved this dog
Much love
Dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9dex2/late_christmas_present/
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If jesus died for our sins, we don't want him to die for nothing.

Let's sin it up people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9dep7/if_jesus_died_for_our_sins_we_dont_want_him_to/
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Wanna hear a Jew joke?

Jokes on Jew I don't have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9de2d/wanna_hear_a_jew_joke/
%
My niece did nothing with her life.

She just sat in her womb all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ddor/my_niece_did_nothing_with_her_life/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist

He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."
The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happend, and his friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9dc85/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_his_friend/
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A psychic midget is wanted by the police

He’s a small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9dbry/a_psychic_midget_is_wanted_by_the_police/
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What do the baby Jesus and a chicken goujon have in common?

They're both tender and mild.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9d8q0/what_do_the_baby_jesus_and_a_chicken_goujon_have/
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What prehistoric animal is the fastest at wrapping gifts?

The Velociraptor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9d5xw/what_prehistoric_animal_is_the_fastest_at/
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I was banging a chick over a table...

I was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have run - but you don't get offers like that every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9d1x5/i_was_banging_a_chick_over_a_table/
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I know global warming is bad

but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9d14m/i_know_global_warming_is_bad/
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I got a Jehovah's Witness themed advent calender this year....

I didn't open any of the doors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9d12c/i_got_a_jehovahs_witness_themed_advent_calender/
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Where does Perry the platypus go on vacation?

dubi-dubi-Dubai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9cygh/where_does_perry_the_platypus_go_on_vacation/
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I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus

I used to think that song meant Mommy was cheating on Daddy. Now I know it means Mommy and Daddy are just into role play.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9cv43/i_saw_mommy_kissing_santa_claus/
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(NSFW) Learned this one when I was like 8 or 9.

A really hot woman stays up waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve. Just as she’s about to fall asleep she finally hears footsteps on the roof and seconds later, out pops Santa from the fireplace!
Hi Santa! Will you please stay? I put out cookies for you!
“Ho ho ho! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta deliver presents to all the children I know!”
Desperately wanting to, um, spend the night with Santa, the woman takes off her nightgown.
“Santa, pleeeeeeeease stay?”
“Ho ho ho! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta deliver presents to all the children I know!”
Just before Santa packs up and climbs back up the chimney, the woman takes off her underwear, standing completely naked in front of old Saint Nick.
“How about now Santa?” She said, with a grin.
Santa looks her up and down and after a minute responds, “Hey hey hey! Gotta stay, gotta stay! Can’t go up the chimney with a boner in the way!”
Merry Christmas Reddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9cuz2/nsfw_learned_this_one_when_i_was_like_8_or_9/
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This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes

Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium
Yttrium Oxygen Uranium
Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ctf5/this_should_be_a_standard_response_to_chemistry/
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What do you call nacho cheese that isn’t yours?

Wait... crap... let me try that again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9cs2o/what_do_you_call_nacho_cheese_that_isnt_yours/
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Why did satan open a gym?

So he could exercise his demons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9crqx/why_did_satan_open_a_gym/
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ck0w/a_woman_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
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Humans are just like snowflakes. Each one is unique in its own way

And a large amount of them on my windshield makes it harder to drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9cjt4/humans_are_just_like_snowflakes_each_one_is/
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A man wakes up in a slum with no memory with how he got there.

He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9cjgd/a_man_wakes_up_in_a_slum_with_no_memory_with_how/
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How many social justice warriors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, social justice warriors can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9cixc/how_many_social_justice_warriors_does_it_take_to/
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What do you call two robbers?

A pair of knickers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9cheu/what_do_you_call_two_robbers/
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I found a good website for sausage making...

I’ll be sure to send you the link

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ch1w/i_found_a_good_website_for_sausage_making/
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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

I’ll see you in 28 days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9cezy/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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Just found out that even with all my masturbation I will still go to heaven.

Psalm 118 says: “Blessed is he who comes in the name of the lord”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9cdh5/just_found_out_that_even_with_all_my_masturbation/
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People are shocked...

When they find out i’m an incompetent electrician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9cd9r/people_are_shocked/
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Is Eminem an elf?

Because he is a wrap god.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9c932/is_eminem_an_elf/
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A three legged chicken. (Said in a Ronald Reagan speech.)

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.
Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!
The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9c92v/a_three_legged_chicken_said_in_a_ronald_reagan/
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A woman was at the bar of a Mexican restaurant one night...

...when she saw a much younger man enter with some of his friends.
She went over to strike up a conversation with him.  Though she was pushing 40, she was very attractive, and she could tell this barely 21-year-old man was into her.  So she suggested that they go back to her place.  The young man eagerly agreed.
When they got there, they ripped off their clothes and fell onto the bed.  "Let's do 69!" shouted the woman.
"I don't know what that is," said the man.
"I'll show you," and she straddled his face and began giving him oral sex.  After a short while, the margaritas and bean dip had their way with her intestines, and she let out a loud and incredibly smelly fart.
The young man was gasping for air, and the woman apologized profusely.  She straddled his face once more, but after only a few seconds let out another ghastly fart.
The young man had tears streaming down his face as he gasped for breathable air again.  The woman was thoroughly embarrassed, and apologized even more.  For a third time, she straddled his face, and had barely resumed fellating him when she again farted.
This time, the young man pushed her off of him and began to get dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Home!  I don't think I can take 66 more of those!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9c7l8/a_woman_was_at_the_bar_of_a_mexican_restaurant/
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Narcotic Jesus

Jesus is sitting down one day and is visioning the high rate of drug consumption on earth in later years. He thought it was a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sent his apostles out to find what drugs they could.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
This continues for a while until finally there's a 12th knock on the door
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
"FBI MOTHERFUCKERS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9c6vu/narcotic_jesus/
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I'm not drunk officer..

I'm just talking in cursive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9c6ht/im_not_drunk_officer/
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Why doesn't Santa have kids of his own?

He only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9byto/why_doesnt_santa_have_kids_of_his_own/
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I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9bxfy/i_keep_telling_myself_to_quit_drugs/
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Google Weather reported today is a cloudy day. But it is a clear sunny day.

Something must have happened to Google clouds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9btj9/google_weather_reported_today_is_a_cloudy_day_but/
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Kegels...

Weird flex but okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9bqyz/kegels/
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What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9bl6r/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
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I asked my dad

I asked my father the other day
“How many stars are in the sky?”
“All of them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9bkgl/i_asked_my_dad/
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Why are Santa's cheecks always so red?

Your cheecks would be red too if you threw your sack over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9bgln/why_are_santas_cheecks_always_so_red/
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How did the trident beat the spear?

It had two more points.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9bace/how_did_the_trident_beat_the_spear/
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A man's horse was suffering from a terrible case of hemorrhoids.

After careful evaluation, the vet tells him it's the worst case he's seen in years.
The doctor then prescribes a super potent powder that is to be applied to the area, with a caveat that the powder causes severe skin irritation on humans, so the best way to apply the powder, explains the doctor, is to have the powder on a piece of paper, bring it up close to the affected area and evenly blow it to spread the medicine.
The following day the horse's owner comes back to the vet with his face horribly swollen.
"Good God man! You got that powder on your face didn't you? Did you follow my instructions and used the paper to blow it on the horse???"
"I did exactly as you prescribed doc, but when I was about to blow the powder on the horse's ass, the horse decided to blow first..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ba7n/a_mans_horse_was_suffering_from_a_terrible_case/
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What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore will sleep with everyone in the room.
A bitch will sleep with everyone in the room except for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9b7zz/whats_the_difference_between_a_bitch_and_a_whore/
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Sex with me is a lot like going to the doctor

You just feel a little prick and it's over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9b7fd/sex_with_me_is_a_lot_like_going_to_the_doctor/
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I went to the sperm bank but found out they weren’t open yet.

Guess I came a little too early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9b5pl/i_went_to_the_sperm_bank_but_found_out_they/
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Gabe Newell is an anti-vaxer

he doesn't let his creations get to 3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9b44w/gabe_newell_is_an_antivaxer/
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Used to date a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I pushed her around alot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9b38f/used_to_date_a_girl_in_a_wheelchair/
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Where does Santa shop for the bad children?

Kohl’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9b1f7/where_does_santa_shop_for_the_bad_children/
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There were two cavemen, one named Nate and one named Andy

Nate was much stronger than Andy, but Andy was the smart one. One day they came back to their hut and a large boulder was blocking the entrance. They couldn't get in, but Andy had an idea.
Andy said, "lets put a stick under the boulder, and put it over a smaller rock to leverage it, it's called a lever."
They tried this out and it almost worked, but the stick broke. Eventually Nate got extremely frustrated and threw the boulder out of the way with pure strength.
Well, the moral of the story is, better Nate than lever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9b122/there_were_two_cavemen_one_named_nate_and_one/
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What kind of truck does Santa drive?

A sleighteen wheeler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9azpt/what_kind_of_truck_does_santa_drive/
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Two hunters are out in the woods...

when one of them collapses.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guys whips out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9azji/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods/
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Tsunami: The T is silent

Honest: The H is silent
Island: The S is silent
Queue: The ueue is silent
My Jokes: Everyone is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9azez/tsunami_the_t_is_silent/
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A man goes to a psychic

“What’s my fortune?” he asks
“You will be poor and miserable until you’re 35. Then you won’t be miserable.” replies the psychic
“What happens at 35?”
“You get used to it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ayzb/a_man_goes_to_a_psychic/
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As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.
“Ho, Ho, Ho!  Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go!  Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”
“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.
“Ho, Ho, Ho!  Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go!  Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”
“Please Santa! I need you tonight,” she beckoned, dropping her nightie to the ground to show off her flawless body.
Santa stared at her, then thought for a moment. “Hey, Hey, Hey!  Gotta Stay, Gotta Stay, Gotta Stay!  Can’t go up the chimney with my dick this way!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ayba/as_santa_was_putting_out_the_toys_the_beautiful/
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Why did the semen cross the rode?

Because I wore the wrong sock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9awlr/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_rode/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today..

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9awdg/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_today/
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Two hillbilies are hanging out when one notices that the other is chewing his nails. He asks why he's doing it,

and the second hillbilly replies that he wants to check whether the dirt under his nails is mud or shit.
The first hillbilly offers to help, tastes it, and immediately spits it out.
'Ugh, it tastes like shit!' - says the first hillbilly.
'Yeah i was wondering why there would be mud up my ass...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9au68/two_hillbilies_are_hanging_out_when_one_notices/
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We live in a mad world where we have to ask the question....

If the gluten's free, why's the bread so expensive?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9arx9/we_live_in_a_mad_world_where_we_have_to_ask_the/
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Why did jesus quit playing hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ak1k/why_did_jesus_quit_playing_hockey/
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Santa Claus is kind of like Bill Cosby..

He can't come if you're not asleep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9ajwv/santa_claus_is_kind_of_like_bill_cosby/
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Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9a9yy/q_whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
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Walmart will be closed for Christmas

so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9a94e/walmart_will_be_closed_for_christmas/
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Back in 1920's...

...Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)
She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says,
"Oh there must have been a mistake. You can't stay here."
"What do you mean?" she answers confused.
"Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can't stay here." To which he points to the sign saying 'No Jews'
"Oh, you think I'm Jewish? I'm not Jewish."
"Oh really? If that's the case, you can answer these questions...Who is our lord and savior?"
"Why, Jesus, of course..." she answers without hesitation.
"Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks.
"In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger."
"Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9a5fr/back_in_1920s/
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Do you file your nails?

I throw mine away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9a3yj/do_you_file_your_nails/
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A Russian Christmas joke...

There once was vicious Russian Czar named Rudolph the Red.  On a cold winter day, he looked out his castle window and remarked to his wife, "I do believe it's raining." His wife replied, "Rudolph, It's far too cold for rain, it must be sleet or snow."
He yelled back angrily, "Impossible! Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9a33m/a_russian_christmas_joke/
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I own the worlds worst thesaurus

Not only is it awful, it’s awful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9a2zt/i_own_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus/
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Why?

Why do you lower your eyes when I say “I love you?”  The young man asked the attractive girl in the nudist camp.
“To see if it’s true.” She replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99wmg/why/
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I tried to build a new up staircase to the second floor out of duck feathers.

But they ended up down stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99wf6/i_tried_to_build_a_new_up_staircase_to_the_second/
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And John said to the Lord, “Verily, the world will end with trumpets.”

God: No, I said Trump Pence.
John: Trumpets. Got it.
God: No... never mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99vqt/and_john_said_to_the_lord_verily_the_world_will/
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Why does Mrs Clause pray for a white Christmas?

Because Santa always comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99v8b/why_does_mrs_clause_pray_for_a_white_christmas/
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What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

They only come when you're sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99v2n/what_do_bill_cosby_and_santa_claus_have_in_common/
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If three people...

If three people having sex is a threesome, and if two people having sex is a twosome... does that make me handsome...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99stq/if_three_people/
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Being dyslexic sucks during Christmas.

My letters to Satan never get answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99s1x/being_dyslexic_sucks_during_christmas/
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If you want a job in thr moisturizer industry, the best advice i can give you is...

To apply daily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99rgy/if_you_want_a_job_in_thr_moisturizer_industry_the/
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Why shouldn’t you ever fart in an Apple store?

Because they don’t have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99qjn/why_shouldnt_you_ever_fart_in_an_apple_store/
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I was going to get a brain transplant

But I changed my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99q5f/i_was_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
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"What do we want?" *A CURE FOR TOURETTES!!* "When do we want it?"

\*FUCK!!!!!\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99mi7/what_do_we_want_a_cure_for_tourettes_when_do_we/
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How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the shit out of the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99k9h/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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I was driving along when I saw these two blokes by the road sticking their thumbs out at me.

I didn't stop to talk, but it's nice to be complimented on my driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99jor/i_was_driving_along_when_i_saw_these_two_blokes/
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What's the best thing about dog-friendly pubs?

You can take a shit on the floor and nobody will suspect a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99huw/whats_the_best_thing_about_dogfriendly_pubs/
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We had a trans friend come over for Christmas this year

He said he can’t wait to eat, drink and be Mary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99cbu/we_had_a_trans_friend_come_over_for_christmas/
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Tampax is bringing out a special edition tampon and are replacing the string with tinsel....

It's only for the Christmas period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99c5z/tampax_is_bringing_out_a_special_edition_tampon/
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All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99c3s/all_the_adults_judged_me_because_i_jumped_into/
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He was going to make a donation to the spern bank

However nothing is firm yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9991j/he_was_going_to_make_a_donation_to_the_spern_bank/
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My new year’s resolution is to get my gym membership

Cancelled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a99915/my_new_years_resolution_is_to_get_my_gym/
%
Whats the rudest type of elf?

A gofuckyourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9927x/whats_the_rudest_type_of_elf/
%
What's my favourite beer?

The next one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9912v/whats_my_favourite_beer/
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If you have to take a shit, do so at 11:59 pm

You'll be done sometime after midnight. When someone asks, "how's it going?"
You can truthfully say, "Same shit, different day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a990bj/if_you_have_to_take_a_shit_do_so_at_1159_pm/
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Will be opening up a Christian gym soon.

Can't decide what to call it, Jehovah's Fitness, or CrossFit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a98sxt/will_be_opening_up_a_christian_gym_soon/
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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.  I think it might have been those assholes at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a98rez/there_was_a_man_who_worked_for_the_post_office/
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What does a stripper do to her asshole before going to work?

Drops him off at band practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a98pxh/what_does_a_stripper_do_to_her_asshole_before/
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Okay, I've come to the conclusion that I am Santa.

1. I eat other peoples food if left unnattended.
2. I come once a year.
3. I have a heavy sack.
4. I am a fat fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a98o0s/okay_ive_come_to_the_conclusion_that_i_am_santa/
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How do you get more than one use out of a condom?

You shake the fuck out of it!
*This was the last joke my grandpa told me before he passed away 4 years ago. RIP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a98nmk/how_do_you_get_more_than_one_use_out_of_a_condom/
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Two windmills are in a field

One said to the other, “so what kind of music are you into?”
He answered, “Oh, I’m a big metal fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a98n63/two_windmills_are_in_a_field/
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My wife accused me of being a cross dresser.

I was so mad I packed up all her things and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a98lwk/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_a_cross_dresser/
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The Christmas Chess Tournament

The chess tournament during the Christmas season was pretty well attended, and the players were having a great time. After each pair finished their game, they would go back over it, sometimes involving others and spectators to discuss moves made and moves that should have been made, and the winners exercising their bragging rights.
But this was really too noisy for the tournament room, so the tournament director told them to take it outside. They did, but the only space available was in the hotel lobby. So they set up their sets there, and it became a normal way of passing the time after a round.
Another visitor to the hotel pointed out to the manager that it was pretty noisy, but he said he liked it because it was so "Christmasy".
"Christmasy?" came the reply, "Just how is this Christmasy?"
"Well, look at it." replied the manager, "You have chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a98lan/the_christmas_chess_tournament/
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What do you call a geriatric prostitute?

A dino-whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a98cg3/what_do_you_call_a_geriatric_prostitute/
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Stowaway story

A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded. What did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I had an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “He’s taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me.”
“He sure did, lady,” said the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a98ay4/stowaway_story/
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Four Jewish brothers left home for college...

Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an 600SL with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see
very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took 20 rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."
"Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a98aau/four_jewish_brothers_left_home_for_college/
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How does every racist joke start?

With a look over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a989bm/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
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Some people used to use tobacco enemas.

I swear I’m not blowing smoke up your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a987wc/some_people_used_to_use_tobacco_enemas/
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What do you call a white person in an insane asylum?

A Nutcracker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a985tt/what_do_you_call_a_white_person_in_an_insane/
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I went 7 days without a pun

That makes one weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a98334/i_went_7_days_without_a_pun/
%
You can't have that TV until....

Long ago, a teenage kid went into an electronics store in New York. He really liked this TV and he wanted to buy it. Since his dad was very rich, he knew he could purchase it no matter what. So heads up to the store owner and asks him, "How much for that TV?" The store owner says, "That TV is not for sale." The kid says, "Hey money is no big deal. Whatever you want, I'll pay for it!" The store owner says, "That TV is not for sale." The kid, now very angry, replies "My dad owns so many famous buildings in New York! Do you know who he is? You should sell this TV to me!". The shopkeeper, still calm, replies, "When you're an adult and you own the buildings, come back and then we'll talk about it."
The kid grows up and takes over his dad's business. Still he has that gaping hole in his heart, he really wants that TV he couldn't buy. He takes a drive down that area and sees that the shop is still there. He walks in, and sees the shopkeeper and walks up to him, "Hey man! You remember me? I had come to buy that TV all those years ago. I now own all the buildings that my dad had. I have now many buildings named after me too. Now can I buy it?" The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Yeah! I remember you! Wow, you've grown so much. But you still can't have the TV." Now the man is furious, "You know I could buy out the store and take that TV from you by force! I'm a real-estate mogul now!" The shopkeeper, calmly replies, "You want that TV so much? Come back when I can see you on it, and we'll talk then."
The man starts his own reality TV show. He fires anyone at will, demonstrating power. But that TV is still out of reach from him and leaves him feeling empty. He checks online and sees the store is still there and walks in. "I'm a TV star now! Hand me that TV! You promised!" The shopkeeper looks at him, with a calm gaze, "You know what? I never promised. I said we'd talk about it." The man replies, "Well now I'm a TV star! A celebrity! I deserve that TV!" The shopkeeper replies "Well even if you're the ruler of the land, I can't sell you that TV!"
Now this man determined to get that TV back, runs for President. Even with no political experience, he becomes the President. When he is sworn in, he looks at the crowd that's gathered to see him, but he still doesn't feel fulfilled. It was his childhood dream, that TV. The one that got away. He's done so much in his life, but it still feels so empty. This time, with a presidential motorcade and the secret service, he walks up to the shopkeeper and says "Now I'm the ruler of the land! Hand me that TV." The shopkeeper says "Well technically the president is not a rul...." "CUT THE BULLSHIT! AND HAND ME THE TV NOW!" yells the man, his childhood disappointment emerging like tyrannical rage.
The man stares at him, takes a deep breath and yells, "I CAN'T SELL YOU THAT TV YOU DUMBASS! BECAUSE IT'S A MICROWAVE!!"
Happy Holidays, folks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9829a/you_cant_have_that_tv_until/
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An Australian guy was playing mama mia on a didgeridoo, I thought.

That's "Aboriginal"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a980gf/an_australian_guy_was_playing_mama_mia_on_a/
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Last year i was depressed and miserable,

But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97zs4/last_year_i_was_depressed_and_miserable/
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97zdq/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
I wanted to learn more about my ancestry so I registered with a company online and sent them my DNA sample

Two weeks later I got a letter saying the sample cup was for saliva.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97yqf/i_wanted_to_learn_more_about_my_ancestry_so_i/
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What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite subreddit?

It’s fucking r/aww!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97x2y/whats_gordon_ramseys_favorite_subreddit/
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joke from my dad [OC]

A scientist has created a way for the father of a child to also feel pain when the mother gives birth. He decides to test it on one couple. While the wife is at the hospital, the husband stayed at home. He gets a call from the scientist asking if he feels anything, and he says no. The scientist tries again, and called him again. The husband still said nothing. For a third time, he called, and the husband said "I don't feel anything, it's just my neighbor who is banging his head against a wall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97wrr/joke_from_my_dad_oc/
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A base Christmas joke.

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because 31 OCT= 25 DEC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97w8s/a_base_christmas_joke/
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I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken

Met a girl dressed as an egg.
A question as old as time was answered.
The chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97qnp/i_went_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_as_a_chicken/
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Did you hear about the guy that stole an advent calendar?

He got 25 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97qfm/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_stole_an_advent/
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How do you transport large munitions around Christmas time?

A missile tow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97obn/how_do_you_transport_large_munitions_around/
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How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.

One, we are efficient and devoid of humor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97mk8/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_the/
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Not a joke just wishing you all a merry Christmas

And a funny new year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97kat/not_a_joke_just_wishing_you_all_a_merry_christmas/
%
Two couples decided to go camping one weekend...

so they pick out a nice little area to set up camp. What they didn't realize is they set up camp on a Native American reservation. Not only that, they only brought one small tent!
So after setting up camp and having a delicious fish dinner the couples decide to hit the hay for the night but there isn't enough room for the four of them in the tent. They realize two of them have to sleep outside. After much argument the women would sleep in the tent and the men would sleep under the stars.
A couple of hours later a group of Native Americans on patrol find the men sleeping and beat them senseless, leaving the women alone. Startled, the men wake up their girlfriends screaming they were beat up by Native Americans. The women dismissed it and told them to go back to sleep. A couple of hours after that the patrol, believing the men didn't learn their lesson, stormed the campground and beat the men senseless again. The men wake up their girlfriends in a panic screaming they were beat up. One of the women said that they didn't believe they were beat up and to prove there weren't any Native Americans beating people up they would switch places.
A couple of hours pass by and the patrol returns with a fury. As soon as they get ready to attack the leader stops them and says "Wait! We've already dealt with these two! Attack the tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97fh0/two_couples_decided_to_go_camping_one_weekend/
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What type of car does a washed up celebrity drive?

A Mercedes Has-Benz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97eai/what_type_of_car_does_a_washed_up_celebrity_drive/
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What is Santa's favorite US state?

Idaho-ho-ho!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97ber/what_is_santas_favorite_us_state/
%
A guy I know works at the watch factory,

I ask him "So what do you do?"
He says "I stand around all day making faces"
^^^^thanks ^^^^Mary ^^^^Poppins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97ajv/a_guy_i_know_works_at_the_watch_factory/
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I hate Russian Nesting Dolls

They’re so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a978v0/i_hate_russian_nesting_dolls/
%
A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.

He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?"
The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave."
"You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a97788/a_man_walks_into_an_lgbtq_centre/
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What do you call a swimmer with no arms or legs?

Bob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a972ta/what_do_you_call_a_swimmer_with_no_arms_or_legs/
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What’s the difference between a Porsche and a cactus?

The pricks are on the inside!
Credit to my dad, thanks Pappa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a96wa4/whats_the_difference_between_a_porsche_and_a/
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You know what they say about dark humor and kids with cancer

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a96v7u/you_know_what_they_say_about_dark_humor_and_kids/
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This is the only time of year where me and the KKK wish for the same thing.

A white Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a96swb/this_is_the_only_time_of_year_where_me_and_the/
%
Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven's a known six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a96pt5/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
The Bank is giving out free money!

If u go in with a gun and a mask.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a96n2e/the_bank_is_giving_out_free_money/
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Virginity is a lot like rational thinking.

If you happen to visit the church regularly, you’ll probably lose it before you’re 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a96mum/virginity_is_a_lot_like_rational_thinking/
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Three little boys were bragging about their dads

The first boy says "My dad's a fireman! He's so fast, he can throw his axe and run and catch it before it lands."
Second boy says "Oh, yeah? Well, my daddy is a police man.  He's so fast, he can fire his gun and outrun the bullet!"
Third boy says "That's nothing.  MY daddy works for the city. He's so fast, he gets off work at 5, and is home at 4:30."
*Probably posted before, but it's a favorite of mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a96lk0/three_little_boys_were_bragging_about_their_dads/
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What do you call a cat in the desert?

Sandy Claws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a96ir7/what_do_you_call_a_cat_in_the_desert/
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Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a96hj9/nonvaccinated_children_are_less_likely_to_have/
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If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3km in the morning & 3km in the evening.

After two weeks, the fat f*cker will be 84km away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a96fdv/if_your_partner_is_overweight_get_them_to_walk/
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Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you've stepped on their tail?

It's your Yelp score

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a96dni/did_you_know_that_dogs_keep_track_of_how_many/
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My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating an avocado

Me: who’s this guy?
Grandpa: he’s my hip replacement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a96bwz/my_grandpa_just_walked_into_my_room_with_a_young/
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What do you call a fizzy orange drink that you hide from others?

Secret Fanta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a96b0d/what_do_you_call_a_fizzy_orange_drink_that_you/
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To all the wonderful delivery men and woman doing their best to make sure we all get our gifts on time this year,

Get the hell off Reddit and deliver my gifts you lazy cunts. Is this a game to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a969qt/to_all_the_wonderful_delivery_men_and_woman_doing/
%
"The 24th of December is Christmas Eve"

"No it fucking isn't, Adam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a967om/the_24th_of_december_is_christmas_eve/
%
Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?

He had low elf-esteem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a967ia/why_was_santas_little_helper_feeling_depressed/
%
Grandma has been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a967d4/grandma_has_been_staring_through_the_window_ever/
%
A panhandler stops a man and asks for some money to buy something to eat...

The man replied, "I'll tell you what I can do, seeing as I'm on my way to the pub, how about I buy you a drink?"
The homeless man proclaims, "but I do not drink, I'm just looking for money to get something to eat."
"Well how about a couple of good cigars I've received from my latest business trip?"
The homeless man replies, "sir, thank you but I do not smoke, I only want something to eat."
"How about we head to the track and I'll place a bet on some horses, I received a tip and you and I can split the winnings?"
The homeless man again protests, "I really appreciate your generosity but I do not gamble, I'm just looking for some food to eat."
"Okay I'll tell you what we are going to do, come back home with me tonight and my wife will make us some dinner. I would really like her to meet you."
The homeless man starts to feel a tad suspicious and says, "do you think she would mind a man of my low stature sitting at your table for dinner?"
"Doesn't matter. She needs to know what happens to someone who doesn't drink, smoke, or gamble."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a966tm/a_panhandler_stops_a_man_and_asks_for_some_money/
%
6 was afraid of 7...

6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8,9. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat *3 squared* meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a964xy/6_was_afraid_of_7/
%
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a964qf/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_luke_got_him_for/
%
I was gonna tell you guys a sodium hydride joke

but NaH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9639t/i_was_gonna_tell_you_guys_a_sodium_hydride_joke/
%
When I die, I want to go peaceful in my sleep like my grandpa.

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9628h/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_peaceful_in_my_sleep_like/
%
when four of Santa's elves got sick...

when four of Santa's elves got sick the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
then Mrs. Klaus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
when he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all they  were scattered
frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum when he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
in his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
he went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa
marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
the angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful
tree for you. where would you like me to stick it?"
and thus began the tradition of the little angel on
top of the Christmas tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9620q/when_four_of_santas_elves_got_sick/
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Poop jokes aren’t my favorite

But they’re a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a95wyw/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite/
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What do you call a student who’s studying to become an eye doctor?

A pupil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a95wxh/what_do_you_call_a_student_whos_studying_to/
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I can only have one beer when watching Star Wars.

Only one Peroni.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a95vk7/i_can_only_have_one_beer_when_watching_star_wars/
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Whoever said laughter is the best medicine

wasn't recovering from a broken rib.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a95q7y/whoever_said_laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
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Did you hear about the dog that can get a ball from over a mile away?

Seems a little far fetched to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a95p9h/did_you_hear_about_the_dog_that_can_get_a_ball/
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of ‘boobies’ are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” asked the son.
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked, “Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?”
The mother smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. In his thirties and forties, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” queried the daughter.
“Yes, it’s dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a95igj/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table_the_son_asks_his/
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What do you call a free slave?

A bargain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a95gos/what_do_you_call_a_free_slave/
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A guy gets home late, his wife says where have you been it's 3.00am Guy says I had some games of Poker, Wife said get out of my house, Guy replies Oh forgot to say..

It's not your house anymore either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a95g8g/a_guy_gets_home_late_his_wife_says_where_have_you/
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It was Christmas Eve.

A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
"What is that?" he asked.
She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a95ewr/it_was_christmas_eve/
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Whats the difference between a fly and a bird

A bird can fly but a fly can't bird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a95enc/whats_the_difference_between_a_fly_and_a_bird/
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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a95cg9/a_wife_got_so_mad_at_her_husband_she_packed_his/
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Let him Go!

There once was a man named Juan. Juan worked super hard for his family of four including his oldest daughter Navi. One year on Christmas Eve, Juan is illegally detained. Navi, being his activist daughter immediately rallied her friends. They met in front of the jail on Christmas Day and they all chanted....
Release Navi's Dad!!
Merry Christmas you filthy animals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a95cc1/let_him_go/
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I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a95ass/i_spotted_my_ex_girlfriend_across_the_hall_of_the/
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Entertainment night at the senior home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"WATCH THE WATCH --- WATCH THE WATCH ---- WATCH THE WATCH."
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotised.
And then suddenly, the chain broke!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SHIT," said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude was never invited there again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a958ye/entertainment_night_at_the_senior_home/
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My kids wants to have a puppy for Christmas...

I usually prepare them Turkey... But the choice is theirs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a956rq/my_kids_wants_to_have_a_puppy_for_christmas/
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I'm not an alcoholic.

Alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, I go to parties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a94vzq/im_not_an_alcoholic/
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What was the ram’s favourite Christmas carol?

All I Want for Christmas is Ewe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a94rcm/what_was_the_rams_favourite_christmas_carol/
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The brave captain

My dad told me this joke a few years ago and I thought it was pretty funny. Not sure if this has been posted before though so sorry if it has!
There once was a brave sailor with a very small crew on a very small ship. One day, while they were fishing, a ship filled with pirates was on the way to pillage the small fishing ship. The first mate, worried about what was to come, informed the captain about the pirate ship.
"Captain! There's a ship filled with armed pirates! We have to surrender!"
"No!" The captain said. "Fetch me my red shirt, and we will fight back!"
The first mate, despite being confused, had faith in the captain, and hence fetched the red shirt. The captain put it on, and they went to battle. The crew fought valiantly, and surprisingly, they won!
A few weeks passed of peaceful fishing, until one day, another pirate ship appeared. Even bigger than the last! The first mate, yet again warned the captain.
"Captain!! There's no way we can beat them! Their ship is way too big!"
"No!" The captain bellowed. " Fetch me my red shirt, and we will fight back."
The first mate reluctantly agreed, and off they went to battle. Surprisingly, they won the fight again!
The first mate, impressed but also confused by these events, confronted the captain.
"How do we manage to win every fight? Does it have something to do with the red shirt?"
The captain replied. "Oh, you see, I wear the red shirt so that when I am wounded, our crew doesn't see me bleed, making them more confident in me, helping us win the fights!"
The first mate was impressed. His captain was so brave! Hence he no longer felt any doubt in his captain.
A few months passed after these events, until one day, and entire fleet of pirates arrived, all ready to pillage the small ship. The first mate, already mentally prepared for this, told the captain.
"Would you like me to fetch you your red shirt?"
"No." The captain replied. "Fetch me my brown pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a94qzb/the_brave_captain/
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What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a94o24/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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A wife yells at her husband

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"
Husband : "what did I do?"
Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"
Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"
Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a94nid/a_wife_yells_at_her_husband/
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My wife was doing her hair for Christmas Eve

She seemed to be struggling to comb it. I told her she should have written to Santa about it - he could have told her if her hair was knotty or nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a94lf3/my_wife_was_doing_her_hair_for_christmas_eve/
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A young family moves into a house next to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to build a new house on the empty lot. Soon the family’s five year old daughter took an interest in what the construction crew was doing and started hanging around them, well soon they adopted her as their mascot of sorts and let her sit with them during their coffee and lunch breaks and would chat with her and would give her little jobs to make her feel important to the crew. At the end of the first week at the construction site the foreman gave her an envelope with $10 inside as her pay. The girl brought the envelope home to show her mother who suggested they take her “pay” to the bank to start a savings account. When they got to the bank and up to the teller she became as equally impressed as the mother and asked how a girl her age could have come by a paycheck. The little girl proudly replied “ I worked with a real construction crew who is building the house next door to us.” “Oh my goodness gracious” replied the teller “will you be working with them next week too?” The little girl replied “I will, but only if those assholes at Lowe’s deliver the fucking Sheetrock on time.”
-A joke I’ve been told before unsure of its originality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a94lef/a_young_family_moves_into_a_house_next_to_a/
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I went to a gun range. I saw a man shooting a gun every 15 minutes.

I go over to the man shooting and see he has shot the same precise hole every time.
I see it's Todd Howard, I ask him how he does it.
He says, "It's easy, just do the same thing every time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a94izp/i_went_to_a_gun_range_i_saw_a_man_shooting_a_gun/
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A 60 year old man was getting ready for some fun time with his date and took some viagra. She bailed on him.

What followed was a one night stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a94i01/a_60_year_old_man_was_getting_ready_for_some_fun/
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What did Santa Claus say when he met the Kardashian sisters?

Ho Ho Ho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a94gry/what_did_santa_claus_say_when_he_met_the/
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My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.

Until the police came and removed me from the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a94e0c/my_penis_was_in_the_guiness_book_of_world_records/
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My friend asked me how would people survive without the ability to see, hear, smell, taste, or feel.

I told him: It's nonsense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a94cvh/my_friend_asked_me_how_would_people_survive/
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Why did the black hole get arrested

It commited mass murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a949rz/why_did_the_black_hole_get_arrested/
%
Just found out that I’m colorblind.

It came completely out of the purple...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a947xp/just_found_out_that_im_colorblind/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a946tl/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
No wonder Elon Musk's scandals are so drawn out

It's not called elongate for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a946pk/no_wonder_elon_musks_scandals_are_so_drawn_out/
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I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers

But the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a945pm/i_really_want_to_buy_one_of_those_grocery/
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The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings

But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as LGBT Community

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a942it/the_vagina_has_more_than_8000_nerve_endings/
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A 14 y/o girl decides to try drugs.

So she created a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. She didn't have any cool friends with real drugs so she tried to smoke oregano, but found it hurt her throat. Next she tried black pepper in the bong but it made her sneeze. She experimented with ground Ginger but the smoke made her eyes water. The internet says banana peels can be smoked but she couldn't get them dry enough to combust. Finally she stole a cig from Grandma and placed it in the bowl to get the experience of inhaling, and realized she didn't like it.
TL;DR
tube bong; didn't weed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a940co/a_14_yo_girl_decides_to_try_drugs/
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Xmas shopping manners

I was in the ASDA today with 2  trollies of ale when a little old lady got behind me in the queue.She only had a pint of milk, so I said "Is that all you've got love?” She said “yeah” I did the decent thing and said “if I were you I'd fuck off to another till, I'm gonna be ages”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a93x3l/xmas_shopping_manners/
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Bus drivers are the rudest persons on Earth.

They never give up their seats for elderly or disabled people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a93oex/bus_drivers_are_the_rudest_persons_on_earth/
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A good joke runs into a Redditor

Good joke: Hi, have we met before?
Redditor: I don't think so... yeah no... definitely not... I may have met a clone of you though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a93lgi/a_good_joke_runs_into_a_redditor/
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Why was the black guy relieved when he landed on an island full of racist cannibals?

They didn’t serve his kind there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a93dk8/why_was_the_black_guy_relieved_when_he_landed_on/
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Little Johnny brought his cat to school

The teacher said “why’d you bring your cat? You’re not allowed to do that!”
Johnny responded with, “well, daddy said to mommy he’s going to destroy that pussy when I leave.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a93ccv/little_johnny_brought_his_cat_to_school/
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A man walking down the beach heard a woman crying... (NSFW)

He walks down to investigate. At he gets closer he sees it's the outline of a blonde woman sitting in a beach chair near the water. He walks up behind her about to ask her what the matter was. Before he says anything, he notices that she doesn't have any arms or legs. Thinking it's a bit weird, he still decides to see what was wrong.
"Why are you crying" he asks the young lady.
"Nobody likes me. I came here on a date with a boy I met online, but after one look at me he just left. My best friend dropped me off, but she won't be back for another couple hours. I have nowhere to go and I'm stranded." sobbed the woman.
The man felt very bad for this young lady. Besides her missing arms and legs, she was actually pretty good looking. After talking a little more with her she makes a confession.
"I'm so pathetic. I've never even been kissed before" she cried.
The man thinks to himself and looks around. There is nobody else within view on the beach. He thought, what the heck. He leans over and gives the woman the most passionate kiss he could. Her crying stopped momentarily as she thanked him. However, she started crying shortly after.
"I'm so pathetic. No boy has ever tried to feel me up." she cried.
The man started getting a little more weirded out, but again there wasn't anyone looking. She did have very nice breasts, so I decided what the heck. He grabbed as her large and tender breasts and played with them for a little while. After a few minutes he stopped, and she seemed a little happier. After a few seconds she starts crying even harder than before.
"I'm so pathetic. Nobody wants to fuck me!"
The guy is slightly annoyed at how much this girl is droning on. But he has gone this far, so he might as well go all the way. He picks her up in his arms and carries her down the beach looking for a good spot. Her tears stop and finally a smile moves across her face. The man whispers to her in a seductive hushed tone.
"You ready?" he asked?
She nods.
With one swift movement he throws her into the ocean.
"There" he yells, "Now you're fucked!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a937wm/a_man_walking_down_the_beach_heard_a_woman_crying/
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So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.
I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a935u3/so_i_discovered_that_the_creatures_from_avatar/
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Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person...

Today, I lost my job as a bus driver...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a9356x/yesterday_i_gave_up_my_seat_on_the_bus_for_a/
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Where does Frosty keep his money?

In a snow bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a92u8l/where_does_frosty_keep_his_money/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are hiking in the mountains

They find some hot springs and decide to take a bath. Some native tribals come along and say "you have trespassed our sacred lands. For this, you will be killed and your skin will be made into canoes. But, you each have one wish before you die." The Englishman asks for a knife and slits his throat. The Frenchman does the same thing. The Australian asks for a fork. Puzzled, the tribals give him one. He then proceeds to stab himself repeatedly with the fork. "Yeh can shove yer canoes up yer arse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a92srd/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_an_australian_are/
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How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese?

Konichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a92ona/how_do_you_say_sup_dawg_in_japanese/
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Dirty cop, dirty wife.

A policeman comes home from work early and finds his wife naked and a pair of boots his never seen before at the door. He starts running around the house. He opens the bathroom door, looks inside and says:"No one here, so where is he?".
He goes to the kitchen, checks under the table and says: "No one here, so where is he?".
He goes into the bedroom and lowers himself to look under the bed. From under the bed comes a hand with a ten dollar bill. The policeman snatches the money stands up and says:" "No one here, so WHERE IS HE!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a92llh/dirty_cop_dirty_wife/
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My fish died

Was is my garden yesterday and noticed that my neighbours 6 y/o daughter was digging a rather large hole.
"What you doing suzie" i asked
"My fish died this morning"  she repiled
"Well never mind its just a goldfish"
Looking confused i ask
"Thats a rather big hole for a goldfish"
Her reply
"Its because its in your fucking cat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a92kdo/my_fish_died/
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A bus driver was called into court for killing 23 children and 5 adults

The judge asked the bus driver, why did you kill all those innocent people??
The bus driver looked a little sad and answered, I didnt meen to! It was by mistake!
How did it happen? Asked the judge.
Well, said the bus driver, I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the road, I saw a cow!
I swerved in to the woods and hit a tree! I managed to escape but all the other people just didnt make in time... the bus exploded and all the people died with it...
Why did you not just run over the cow? Asked the judge.
I tried! Said the bus driver,
But the cow ran into the woods!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a92iju/a_bus_driver_was_called_into_court_for_killing_23/
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Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting divorced.

The judge in the courthouse is looking over the papers and looks at Mickey. "So, it says here that you want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy, is that right?" He asks the mouse.
Mickey shakes his head and replies "No, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a92ijn/mickey_and_minnie_mouse_are_getting_divorced/
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BEST JOKE IVE HEARD IN AGES 😂😂😂😂😂...

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a92hdt/best_joke_ive_heard_in_ages/
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There’s a chess convention at nice hotel

Afterwards all the players were hanging out in the lobby talking and bragging about who won. They were really loud and carrying on. The manager finally came out and had to ask them to leave. He said “I can’t have a bunch of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a92gry/theres_a_chess_convention_at_nice_hotel/
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Rudolph the Red

Once a Viking named Rudolph the Red warned his wife of some rain. She asked him, ‘honey how would you possibly know it’s going to rain?’ He simply replied: ‘Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a92fym/rudolph_the_red/
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A blonde enters an electronics store...

She goes to the store owner and asks him to sell her the TV she picked.
He refuses, telling her that he can't sell the TV to a Blonde.
She comes back the next day, after dyeing her hair black, and asks him the same question. He again tells her that he can't sell the tv to a Blonde.
Then she shaves her head off and gets a plastic surgery. Again she asks the same question, only to get the same exact reply. Devastated, she asks him how he figures out who she is every single time.
He replies, "Look carefully, its a Microwave not a TV."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a924bc/a_blonde_enters_an_electronics_store/
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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a923se/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
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Americans ask me where in Australia there isn’t something trying to kill you.

“School” is what I say

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a923kb/americans_ask_me_where_in_australia_there_isnt/
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My wife asked me how many women I had slept with...

I told her " I swear I only slept with you
but I stayed up the whole night with the others".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a921ac/my_wife_asked_me_how_many_women_i_had_slept_with/
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A man is walking along the beach, when he trips over something, looks down and sees an old bottle. He picks it up and out pops a genie. "I will give you one wish and only one. What will it be?" The man thinks and thinks...

He lives in California and really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying, so he asks the genie.
"I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, over the Pacific ocean."
The genie looks at him for a bit.
He says, "No, no, no. Sorry, but a bridge over the Pacific? That is too much! Please think of something else!"
The man is pretty angry.
He really wanted that bridge and that was really the only thing on his mind.
So he thinks and thinks and thinks for days.
He had to get the right thing.
He sleeps on it and the next day comes returns to the beach.
The genie is still there, so the man asks him, "I want to understand women."
The genie's eyes widen and he asks him "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a91xtx/a_man_is_walking_along_the_beach_when_he_trips/
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Everyone, please be careful!!

Last night I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few vodkas, followed by a few shots.... But I had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do something entirely different. I took a taxi home. Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a91w6n/everyone_please_be_careful/
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Why is Christmas General Zod's favourite time of the year?

....Because it's No-El....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a91v5c/why_is_christmas_general_zods_favourite_time_of/
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A group of friends go camping.

They have a rule: whoever is the first to complain about the cooking has to cook the next dinner.
The first evening, they draw straws to see who has to cook first. The new cook does a decent job with their dinner that evening and no one complains. He’s not happy about having to cook, though.
The next evening, since no one complained, he’s still the cook. This time, he deliberately makes the meals as horrible as possible. He burns the bread, he leaves the soup cold, he over-seasons the meal, the works. However, no one complains because no one wants to cook. He’s the cook for the next evening and this time he’s had enough.
So the next evening, when it comes time to start cooking, the cook goes exploring and comes across a field full of horses. He gets a devious idea and gathers as much horse dung as he can find. He returns to camp and, without anyone else noticing, he cooks it into that night’s meal.
When it’s done, he hands out his concoctions to his fellow campers and sits back and waits for their reactions. One man bites enthusiastically into his meal.
“Ugh!” he exclaims. “Horse manure pie!
“...Good, though!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a91trn/a_group_of_friends_go_camping/
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Why is Santa so jolly all the time?

He knows where all the naughty girls live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a91qup/why_is_santa_so_jolly_all_the_time/
%
An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Scotsman says, "I'd like to buy a round for the whole pub."
The headlines the next day read, "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death in alley behind pub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a91nju/an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I just realized that my wife is Santa Claus

. She only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a91mnb/i_just_realized_that_my_wife_is_santa_claus/
%
I was offered sex with a beautiful 21 year old woman

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.
Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.
Just as strong as *Ajax*, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla. Buy now!
P.S this is a repost. Originally found it posted by u/moonwalkersb on July 1st 2018. Was too hilarious to not repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a91m2s/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_beautiful_21_year_old/
%
What happens when an atheist prays?..

The same thing that happens when a Christian does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a91l7p/what_happens_when_an_atheist_prays/
%
Cigarettes are like rats

They are both harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a91iac/cigarettes_are_like_rats/
%
I keep meaning to write my memoirs, but never get around to it.

It's my oughta biography

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a91i1w/i_keep_meaning_to_write_my_memoirs_but_never_get/
%
the swearing kid (kinda long)

There's this 6 years old kid in class who swears all the time. One day the teacher wants to practice the alphabet with the children. She starts by asking the simple question; what word starts with an A? One little girl raise her hands and answers with the word Airplane.
The she asks, what starts with the letter B? The little boy raises his hands. The teacher thought to herself: I can't pick him, he will respond with the word Bitch or Bitchass.
So she pick another boy who answers with the word Boat and then she proceeds in alphabetical order.
Then, they get to the letter F. The little boy who swears a lot raises his hand with a smile on his face. The teacher thought to herself: i can't pick him, he will say Fuck in front of the whole class.
So instead, she pick another boy who answers with the word Fish.
Then, they get to the letter M and once again, the little boy who swears a lot raise his hand with vigor. She thought to herself : i can't pick him, he will say Motherfucker in front of the whole class.
So once again, she chooses another kid who answers with the word Milk.
Then, they get to the letter R. The little  boy who swears a lot raise his hand with excitement. She's surprised and thought to herself: wait, is there any bad words that starts with r? Fucker...Bitch...Motherfucker.....no...I don't think so.
So she picks the boy who swears a lot and asks him again, what starts with the letter R to which he answers :
A rat!
A fucking big rat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a91as3/the_swearing_kid_kinda_long/
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What do you call a snake that’s exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a918sm/what_do_you_call_a_snake_thats_exactly_314_meters/
%
My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother's surprise birthday party

That's when I realized he was her favorite twin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a918mi/my_mother_asked_me_to_hand_out_invitations_to_my/
%
How do you make a plumber cry ???

You kill his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a91685/how_do_you_make_a_plumber_cry/
%
A naked pirate with a wheel around his member walks into a bar

The bartender asks him, “Hey, you know you have a wheel around your penis?”.
The pirate responds, “Ar, I do. It’s driven me nuts!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a915j9/a_naked_pirate_with_a_wheel_around_his_member/
%
Hey Google, make me laugh

Google: Have you looked in the mirror today?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a913qq/hey_google_make_me_laugh/
%
I was so late to the cannibal banquet.

They gave me a cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a910co/i_was_so_late_to_the_cannibal_banquet/
%
As a man, I love Christmas season!

I *never* get questioned about having glitter anywhere on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90vtm/as_a_man_i_love_christmas_season/
%
Sandwiches

Two attorneys went into an expensive restaurant and ordered two waters. They sat down, took sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite upset and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90vn4/sandwiches/
%
I was at a funeral and someone came up to me asking for permission to say a word at the front.

I said of course and he stood to say one word, ‘*plethora*’. I said "*Thank you, it means a lot*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90szd/i_was_at_a_funeral_and_someone_came_up_to_me/
%
Did I tell you about the guy who was dating a girl with a lazy eye?

The broke up because she was seeing someone on the side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90stb/did_i_tell_you_about_the_guy_who_was_dating_a/
%
What would a cow wear if it joined the army?

Ca-moooo-flage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90r8b/what_would_a_cow_wear_if_it_joined_the_army/
%
A stripper saw my wedding ring and asked if I was interested in a little fun on the side

I told her, “No. I’m looking for fun in the front.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90qp9/a_stripper_saw_my_wedding_ring_and_asked_if_i_was/
%
Why did the chicken kill itself?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90pqx/why_did_the_chicken_kill_itself/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*gagging sounds*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90n05/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
A little boy asks his father

: "What's the difference between you and mommy?"
The father responds: "Well son, I have a dick but your mother is a dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90m51/a_little_boy_asks_his_father/
%
It was Christmas time and everyone was feeling Merry.

So she went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90l4h/it_was_christmas_time_and_everyone_was_feeling/
%
What is it called when Batman and Superman challenge each other to a race?

A Marthaon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90fea/what_is_it_called_when_batman_and_superman/
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You have to hand it to Trump

Obama proved that a competent, intelligent black man was qualified enough to be the President of the United States. Trump proved that *any* black man was qualified to be President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90dp4/you_have_to_hand_it_to_trump/
%
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90djp/a_lawyer_married_a_woman_who_had_previously/
%
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have
a Bloody Mary!"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me
a rum and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, No shots for me.:" She then collapses
and dies from polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90d3j/a_nurse_a_doctor_and_an_antivaxxer_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?

A Claus-trophobic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90bcr/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_afraid_of_santa/
%
No problem Alan

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a908km/no_problem_alan/
%
Did you hear about the waiter that got his finger stuck in the dishwasher?!

The boss fired them both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a90756/did_you_hear_about_the_waiter_that_got_his_finger/
%
What did Santa say to the fourth prostitute he slept with on Christmas day?

Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean I'm gonna stop at 3 ho's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a905md/what_did_santa_say_to_the_fourth_prostitute_he/
%
Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?

That’s because my assistant just injected you with the measles vaccine. You’re autistic now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a902yf/feeling_strange_mr_bond/
%
When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8zt2e/when_i_was_6_santa_gave_me_coal_for_christmas_so/
%
An old man decides one day to go for a jog.

While jogging through the park he notices a couple of tennis balls sitting on the grass. As he approaches the tennis balls he notices no one was around so he says to himself 'Sweet, a couple of free tennis balls', so he picks them both up and puts one in each pocket and proceeds on his way. As he approaches the city he comes to a stop light. While at the stop light he decides to jog on the spot until the light changes. As he looks to his left he notices a young woman looking at his shorts with a very concerned look on her face. Smiling back at her he says 'Don't worry miss, those are just tennis balls.'The concerned look disappears off her face and she smiles back at him and says. 'Oh, I totally understand, I had tennis elbow once, I can understand the swelling'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8zsqu/an_old_man_decides_one_day_to_go_for_a_jog/
%
I only eat eggs Benedict on a hubcap.

There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8zrne/i_only_eat_eggs_benedict_on_a_hubcap/
%
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before". So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic...

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"
The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.
Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return.
So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened.
The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together".
So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more.
But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8znz4/a_lost_dog_strays_into_the_jungle_one_day_from_a/
%
Whoever invented auto-correct,

can go to hello.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8zlll/whoever_invented_autocorrect/
%
Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8zjuk/why_is_santa_so_jolly/
%
Everyone knows how Kennedy died

That ones a no brainer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8zjmg/everyone_knows_how_kennedy_died/
%
It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8zgpj/it_turns_out_north_korea_has_been_naughty_on/
%
What's the worst part about being an anti-Vaxxer parent?

Having to deal with the terrible twos and the mid life crisis at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8zg1q/whats_the_worst_part_about_being_an_antivaxxer/
%
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8zevn/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
There's this newlywed couple about to spend their first night together

as they were undressing the following conversation ensued:
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
He then removed his pants and revealed an
awful looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?", she asked.
"Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and
said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ze4i/theres_this_newlywed_couple_about_to_spend_their/
%
If the shoe fits...

She's probably a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8zcjt/if_the_shoe_fits/
%
What do you call perfume that doesn’t smell?

Nonsense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8z79n/what_do_you_call_perfume_that_doesnt_smell/
%
does chuck norris wear a condom?

no, he does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8z6jh/does_chuck_norris_wear_a_condom/
%
What do you call a cow with no empathy?

My Ex-wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8z5nr/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_empathy/
%
Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle.

“Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8z4ix/holmes_and_watson_are_out_hunting_one_day_john/
%
My grandma died at the age of 91 not knowing how to drive

Apparently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8yxiv/my_grandma_died_at_the_age_of_91_not_knowing_how/
%
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?

They have greater potential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ywmr/why_do_physics_professors_prefer_overweight/
%
I’m never smoking weed with mexicans again.

I asked who got papers, and they took off running.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8yvw8/im_never_smoking_weed_with_mexicans_again/
%
I created an dating app for marionettes and it failed!

They were all looking for No Strings Attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8yurc/i_created_an_dating_app_for_marionettes_and_it/
%
What do you get an anti-vax kid for their 5th birthday?

A whooping-coffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8yukm/what_do_you_get_an_antivax_kid_for_their_5th/
%
A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom.

He waits in the ticket line for a very long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo, the rental line is very long but he gets it. He goes to buy her flowers, the line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets some. At prom, his girlfriend asks him to go and get some punch. He goes to the refreshments table, but there is no punchline...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8yu4g/a_guy_is_taking_his_girlfriend_to_prom/
%
Alright so, atheist, a Crossfitter, and a vegan walk into a bar.

I know because they told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ytaa/alright_so_atheist_a_crossfitter_and_a_vegan_walk/
%
A penguin's car breaks down...

So he takes it to the mechanic.
The mechanic says come back in 15 minutes and I will tell you what's wrong with your car.
So the penguin goes out and gets some ice cream.
He is enjoying it and gets it all over his face.
He comes back and the mechanic says "well, it looks like you blew a seal..."
the penguin says "no, it's just ice cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ysqt/a_penguins_car_breaks_down/
%
What do you call a child born in a whore house?

A Brothel Sprout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ysc3/what_do_you_call_a_child_born_in_a_whore_house/
%
What do you call a gay geologist ?

Fruity pebbles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ys35/what_do_you_call_a_gay_geologist/
%
My relationship is like the square root of -1

Complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8yrxq/my_relationship_is_like_the_square_root_of_1/
%
One of my old buddies, James King, named his newborn son Thin.

I'm sure he wasn't thinking, but his son is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8yqj6/one_of_my_old_buddies_james_king_named_his/
%
Why are German cats depressed?

Because they have nein lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8yp8p/why_are_german_cats_depressed/
%
How heavy is a jedi saber?

I'm not sure, but I reckon that it's pretty light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8yj67/how_heavy_is_a_jedi_saber/
%
It must be hard being Santa...

He only gets to come once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ygun/it_must_be_hard_being_santa/
%
My fifth grade math teacher told me this one.

How do you get an elephant out of a Safeway bag?
You take the "S" out of Safe, and the "f" out of way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ygd0/my_fifth_grade_math_teacher_told_me_this_one/
%
[Long] A pathological liar walks into a bar...

No I didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8yept/long_a_pathological_liar_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Steve Irwin had a brand of sunblock that had to be taken off the shelves..

Turns out it didn't protect against harmful rays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ye6l/steve_irwin_had_a_brand_of_sunblock_that_had_to/
%
I got some people shaped cookies for Christmas.

I didn't want to assume their ginger...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ycz2/i_got_some_people_shaped_cookies_for_christmas/
%
How will Christmas Dinner be different after Brexit?

No Brussels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8y247/how_will_christmas_dinner_be_different_after/
%
I still remember my fathers last words...

“Stop shaking the ladder, dammit!”
He was a wonderful man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8y1ja/i_still_remember_my_fathers_last_words/
%
What's the difference between a kid in America and the USSR?

A kid in America makes a snow angel, and that's that.
A kid in Soviet Russia makes a snow angel, and gets arrested for spreading pro-religious propaganda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8xsz9/whats_the_difference_between_a_kid_in_america_and/
%
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8xoab/wife_i_have_a_bag_full_of_used_clothing_id_like/
%
Why are all the emos banned from Six Flags?

Because they keep cutting in line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8xm11/why_are_all_the_emos_banned_from_six_flags/
%
What do you get when you break up with your girlfriend in the shower?

A Kleenex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ximx/what_do_you_get_when_you_break_up_with_your/
%
I'm addicted to break fluid.

But I can stop whenever I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wzmr/im_addicted_to_break_fluid/
%
What’s Kim jong un’s favorite candy?

Warheads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wyuu/whats_kim_jong_uns_favorite_candy/
%
What's the most sensitive part of your body while masturbating?

Your ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wycr/whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_your_body_while/
%
The difference between ‘Guts’ and ‘Balls’

There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls", according to the British military.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with "Balls". Do they, however,
know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction, straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295:
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the "Balls" to say:
“You're next, Chubby”.
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wwhb/the_difference_between_guts_and_balls/
%
I'm stoked to have my final college test of the semester tomorrow!

Wish me merry Xams!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wu18/im_stoked_to_have_my_final_college_test_of_the/
%
I’m super excited for the birth of my daughter. 7lbs5oz.

My wife isn’t too excited about this new name though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wtga/im_super_excited_for_the_birth_of_my_daughter/
%
Why does a shower feel good but rain feels bad?

Consent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wqtz/why_does_a_shower_feel_good_but_rain_feels_bad/
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Two zombies are eating Amy Schumer...

One looks up and says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other one replies "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wqt7/two_zombies_are_eating_amy_schumer/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wpxf/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
My wife found out I was cheating with her sister.

She’s never playing Monopoly with us again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wnl2/my_wife_found_out_i_was_cheating_with_her_sister/
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She: I was born rich, and you?

Me: Naked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wkgz/she_i_was_born_rich_and_you/
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Down in a hole

Two guys were standing next to a very deep hole, it was a perfect circle and about 10 feet across.
The decide to grab a large rock and throw it down the hole and see if they can it hear it hit the bottom. They throw it down the hole and hear nothing.
The decide to grab an even larger rock. They throw it down the hole and hear nothing.
One guy says, “I saw a rail road tie, let’s grab that”.
They take the railroad tie and throw it down the hole.
All of the sudden a cow jumps between the two men and jumps down the hole.
Astonished they stare down the hole trying to figure out what just happened.
A few minutes later a farmer comes by and asks them if they have seen a cow.  Of course the two men tell the farmer how a cow just jumped down this hole a few minutes earlier.
The farmer says, “That couldn’t be my cow. My cow was tied to a railroad tie”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wjle/down_in_a_hole/
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cake story

A guy goes into a bakery and asks for a cake in the shape of a letter B. He comes back to pick it up the next day, and says, “Oh, I’m sorry, I totally forgot to tell you I wanted it to be a lower case B. I’ll pay for this one, but could you redo it as a lower-case?” The baker says, “Hey, that’s okay, no problem, I’ll redo it, and I won’t charge you.” So the guy comes back the next day to pick up the cake, and says, “Oh, I can’t believe I forgot to tell you this, but I wanted it to be a cursive lower-case B.” “The baker says, “Well, this time I’m going to have to charge you for this one, but come back tomorrow and we’ll have a cursive lower-case B for you.” So the guy comes back the next day, inspects the cake, and pronounces it perfect. The baker says, “Would you like me to wrap that up for you?” and the guy answers, “No, that’s okay, I’ll just eat it here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wio8/cake_story/
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Why is beer the best cure for a hangover?

Because it's good for what ales you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8whhz/why_is_beer_the_best_cure_for_a_hangover/
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Over the holidays, I'm participating in a pro-life bake sale

We'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wepn/over_the_holidays_im_participating_in_a_prolife/
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An American Major in Iraq..

The major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.
“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”
“I was told there was.”
“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”
“I’m pretty sure there is.”
The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”
“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”
“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”
“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wemv/an_american_major_in_iraq/
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When does Santa Claus say ho ho ho?

When he walks into a room and sees your mother, sister, and wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8wcal/when_does_santa_claus_say_ho_ho_ho/
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A key lime pie costs $3.50 in Cuba, a lemon meringue pie costs $4.50 in the Dominican Republic...

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8w8j1/a_key_lime_pie_costs_350_in_cuba_a_lemon_meringue/
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So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital

So a  woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably ...dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8w5xo/so_a_woman_brought_a_very_limp_parrot_into_a/
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Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all working on a construction site, building a new skyscraper in London. It’s lunchtime and they’re all sat atop the building. Englishman opens up his lunchbox to see what his wife has packed him.
“Ugh… Ham and cheese sandwich… again. I’m fucking sick of ham and cheese sandwiches, it’s the same every bloody day. If I get another ham and cheese sandwich in my lunch box tomorrow I’m jumping off the top of this building.”
Next, the Scotsman opens up his lunch box. “Aackk, jam sandwich… again. I cannee go on like this eating jam sandwiches every day of me life! If I get the same again tomorrow I’m jumping as well.”
Next it’s the Irishman’s turn. “Ohh for fecks sake! Not another egg and cress sandwich! That’s the fourth one in a row this week! I’m with you boys, one more egg and cress sandwich and I’m jumping!”
So next day they sit at the top of the building to have lunch. One by one they open up their lunch boxes… Englishman finds another ham and cheese sandwich, so off he jumps, and splats into the ground below. Scotsman finds another jam sandwich… Off he goes…Splat. Irishman, egg and cress sandwich… Splat.
A week or so later later the three widows are talking at the memorial service. English widow says, through tears, “I still can’t believe it, had no idea George hated ham and cheese so much, if only i’d known…”
Scottish widow says “Duncan did say he was getting a bit bored of Jam, but I didn’t realise he hated it that much, I just wish he’d have let me know how he really felt.”
Irish widow says “I… I just don’t understand… Paddy packed his own lunch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8vvuv/englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman/
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What do great jokes and unvaccinated kids have in common?

They both never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8vr05/what_do_great_jokes_and_unvaccinated_kids_have_in/
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My racist family

I think my family is racist beacause the other night i took my black gf home to meet my family
And the kids wouldnt speak to her and my wife to her to leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8vqkh/my_racist_family/
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I finally get it!

You know when things heat, they expand
I'm not fat, I'm hot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8vq30/i_finally_get_it/
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Its not called Anal Bleaching anymore...

Nowadays it's called changing your Ringtone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8vpbq/its_not_called_anal_bleaching_anymore/
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What do you call a Canadian symbiote?

Denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8vp60/what_do_you_call_a_canadian_symbiote/
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Charging Bull

What's the first thing you should do if a bull charges you?
PAY HIM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8voo3/charging_bull/
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What do u call a book club that has been stuck on the same book forever?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8vnw7/what_do_u_call_a_book_club_that_has_been_stuck_on/
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Balance is my best friend...

It never lets me down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8vlw7/balance_is_my_best_friend/
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10 years ago today, I married my best friend...

My wife’s still really angry about it, but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8vhbq/10_years_ago_today_i_married_my_best_friend/
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"I dig, you dig, she dig, we dig, you dig."...

The poem may not be beautiful, but it’s certainly very deep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8vers/i_dig_you_dig_she_dig_we_dig_you_dig/
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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8vcwk/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole_i/
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They say a dog is a man's best friend.

But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst having a shite on my carpet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8vagp/they_say_a_dog_is_a_mans_best_friend/
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A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.
"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."
"That sounds interesting. What about the one swimming in the lake over there?" the lottery winner says.
"Oh, him? That's a C horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8v3nt/a_lottery_winner_decides_to_fulfill_his_lifelong/
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Why did the cannibals go to the maternity ward?

They felt like having something delivered for dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8v1gm/why_did_the_cannibals_go_to_the_maternity_ward/
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How do dolphins and whales pass down and share knowledge through the generations?

Via podcasts, naturally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8uzvq/how_do_dolphins_and_whales_pass_down_and_share/
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Why does the socialist study for his exams?

To get good Marx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8uwph/why_does_the_socialist_study_for_his_exams/
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Blondes

A blonde pick ups her dress from the dry cleaners, when she leaves the Cashier says, "Come again!"
Blonde said, "Nah..It was mustard this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ush2/blondes/
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69 and 70 got into a fight.

71.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8urze/69_and_70_got_into_a_fight/
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What do you call a couple of doctors?

Paramedics....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8uor4/what_do_you_call_a_couple_of_doctors/
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My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time.

So I emailed her all the pictures of me before we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8unrx/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_show_her_a_good_time/
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My wife was fed up watching me play with walkie talkie everytime. So she said , "Our relationship is over"

I replied, "our relationship is what?". Over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ukql/my_wife_was_fed_up_watching_me_play_with_walkie/
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I have to say that scissors really impress me.

Absolutely cutting-edge technology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8uhyy/i_have_to_say_that_scissors_really_impress_me/
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telegram

A dog walked into a Western Union station, took a slip of paper off the teller's window, and proceeded to write out a telegram that said, "bow wow, bow wow, bow wow, bow wow."  He handed the paper to the telegraph clerk, who read it and said, "You've written an eight word telegram here.  Did you realize that the minimum charge of $25.00 covers ten words?  Would you like to add another 'bow wow' to your message?"  "I suppose I could," replied the dog, "but wouldn't that sound a little ridiculous?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8udxt/telegram/
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An Old Jewish Joke

Saul was struggling to take his last breaths when he asked his former business partner and ex-friend Seymour to come to his bedside.
“Seymour,” said Saul barely able to breathe. “I’m dying. But before I go, there’s some things I have to get off my chest.”
“Please Saul,” said Seymour. “There’s no need. Just rest.”
“No” answered Saul. “Let me finish.”
“Seymour, who do you think it was that had an affair with your wife and ruined your marriage?  It was me.”
“And Seymour... who do think it was that sold our company’s secret formula to our competitor, which drove you bankrupt and made you lose your home?  It was me.”
“And Seymour... who do you think it was that black balled you at the country club and spread those vicious rumors around the neighborhood that your family were Nazi sympathizers during the war? It was me!”
Finally Seymour said:  “Saul, I already knew all this.  Who do think it was that gave you the poison?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8u8v6/an_old_jewish_joke/
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What do you call four music playing condoms?

A rubber band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8u7cf/what_do_you_call_four_music_playing_condoms/
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So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.

Once when we're having drinks,  I asked him,  "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? "
He replied,  "Kim's at the bar getting drinks,  I'm his wife. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8u5mi/so_i_work_with_a_chinese_guy_called_kim/
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What sound is made by a piano thrown down mining shaft?

A flat miner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8u3o6/what_sound_is_made_by_a_piano_thrown_down_mining/
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What did Polyphemus say when his wife asked him about his view on Odysseus?

"I have no idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8u3e4/what_did_polyphemus_say_when_his_wife_asked_him/
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Why was "Morgen" the only spoken part of a greeting?

It was "Guten" free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8u1bd/why_was_morgen_the_only_spoken_part_of_a_greeting/
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If I had a dollar for every gender

I would have $2 and a couple of counterfeits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8tz28/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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I asked my cat to comment on Brexit

She said that they should repeatedly ask to leave, and when the door opens, they should just stare at it. That’s what she would do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8tvgt/i_asked_my_cat_to_comment_on_brexit/
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I surprised my family today and made the Christmas dinner from scratch.

They started crying.
Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ttvk/i_surprised_my_family_today_and_made_the/
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My IQ is so high...

...I had to take the test twice to add the scores together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ttib/my_iq_is_so_high/
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The bag of money and the stallion

A man enters a bar and sees a bag of money on the floor with a stallion next to it. He asks the bartender what's the deal. The bartender says: "If you can make the stallion laugh, all the money in the bag is yours to take."
The man goes over to the stallion and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing his horse ass off. He takes the money and goes home.
The next day he's back and again there's a bag of money and the stallion. The man asks again what's the deal now. The bartender says: "If you can make the stallion cry, all the money in the bag is yours to take."
The man goes outside with the stallion and after a few minutes comes back with the stallion crying him a river.
"How did you do that?" the bartender asks.
The man replies: "Well, the first time I told him my penis is bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8tpqz/the_bag_of_money_and_the_stallion/
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An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8toa3/an_old_man_placed_an_order_for_one_hamburger/
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I went on this sub to look for a good joke and found one.

I laughed the first few times but after a while it became repetitive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8tn43/i_went_on_this_sub_to_look_for_a_good_joke_and/
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Mental hospital

A man was walking beside tha wall of a mental hospital then he heard all the patients shouting 25,25,25 continuously. He thought what is happening inside why they are shouting 25,25,25 then he  saw a hole in the wall and he peeped through it and at that moment someone from other side of the wall poked in his eye and all the patient start shouting 26,26,26.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8tlli/mental_hospital/
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Barbara Walters is interviewing Neil Armstrong in 2010 about him being the first man on the moon.

Barbara Walters (BW) says to Neil Armstrong (NA) "It's a great honor to interview you Mr. Armstrong. (NA) replies, "Happy to be here". Then (BW) asks him "As a young journalist hearing you speak those famous words for the first time". "One small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind", "I had to ask myself, did you make up that quote on the spot?, did you have it prepared?, or was it already written for you?". NA replies, "I'm happy you've asked that question Barbara", "Because the truth is, I've been misquoted all these years and it's time I set the record straight before I pass on". "What I actually said as I stepped on to the moon for the first time was, "One small step for man and one giant leap for Max Klein". BW responds, "Who the hell is Max Klein"?! "and why would you even include him in a quote"? NA answers. 'Well Barbara, it's no secret that I grew up poor". 'One of the places we lived in was a Tenement House in NYC and the walls were paper thin". "Max Klein lived next door with his wife". "Max was very kind to me and my younger sister and brother". "He gave us candy from time to time and would stop other kids from bullying us in the park nearby". Then BW says 'Go on"!. NA, "Well with the walls being paper thin, we could hear Max and his wife have dinner, hear them fight and worse, hear them in bed at night". "Every night Max would ask for the same thing", "Honey can I have a blow job". "Every night Mrs. Klein would answer the same way", "When a man walks on the moon, that's when you'll get you blow job'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8tj6v/barbara_walters_is_interviewing_neil_armstrong_in/
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The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.
When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, wizened man tending it. He asks, nervously: "Do you work here?"
He replied "Yes, I do".
Still stupified by this mystical old man, the husband stammers...I uh...uh..am looking for something for my wife. My work requires me to travel and I wan't something that can keep her satisfied so she won't cheat on me.
The old man blinks slowly a few times, then says: "Yes, I believe we have what you're looking for." He pulls out a wooden box, covered in dust. It looks ANCIENT. As he opens the lid, the smell of old wood floods the husband's nostrils.
This here is a Voodoo dick. It has magical powers and I assure you, it would keep any women satisfied.
The husband laughs harder than he has in a long time. "Did you say VOODOO dick? HAHAHAHA I can't believe you're trying to sell me this sh*t".
The old man just looks at him. "Allow me to demonstrate to quash your doubts, I suggest you stand away from the door."
The husband looks behind him, and with a quizzical look on his face, takes three steps away from the door he was leaning against.
The old man speaks. "VOODOO DICK, The door!"
All of a sudden, the gnarled, wooden shaft lying dormant inside the box floats into the air. It levels off with the doorknob, then soars through the air directly at the keyhole.
A thunderous bang bang bang can be heard as the voodoo dick tries violently to enter the hole that is far too small for it. The door starts to shake and hinges rattle.
The man says I'LL TAKE IT!!!!!
The old man then says VOODOO DICK, the box!
And as if on rewind, it slowly glides back into the box, and lay still.
Upon arriving home, his wife asks him what he has in the box. "It's a voodoo dick, honey", he says. The wife starts dying of laughter. "Voodoo dick? hahahahaha you must be joking!!"
The husband gives her a stern look and says: "Listen, I know how lonely you get on those business trips of mine, and this will keep you occupied so I know you'll be faithful."
He then says: "Voodoo dick, her pussy!" The lid of the box bursts open as the dick flies through the air, directly towards his wife's crotch. There is the definitive sound of her panties ripping as the dick penetrated through the fabric, into it's designated spot.
The wife: "What the he....hey....ooooo...mmm...oh...my...god...!!!!" She is shaking on the couch.
The husband smiles and says, see you later honey, I'm going golfing with some pals from work!.
She is too busy biting her lips to respond.
Three hours pass.
Finally, decided she's been satiated, the wife tries to remove the dick from inside her. She pulls, tugs at it with all her might, but it won't budge. The thing remains inside her and refuses to move.
She panics.
She sees her husband's cellphone on the living room table. He forgot it. And he didn't tell her how to turn the thing off!
With the voodoo dick still thrusting inside her, the wife runs to the garage and starts the car. She has to get to a hospital. She's freaking out.
12 minutes later, she is pulled over by a traffic cop for doing nearly double the speed limit. He asks her why she felt she needed to risk her life and the life of others by speeding. He thinks she's on drugs, because she's not talking coherently.
Officer...oh...ahh...see...uh..my husband bought this....voodoo dick...for me and it won't come out!!..And oohhhhhh.......ahh...he didn't tell me how to turn it off! He's gone..golfing with his friends...and I can't...get a hold..of him.
The officer looks at her with a blank expression on her face.
He bursts out laughing.
"Hahahahaha, that's a new one! Never heard that one before! Voodoo dick, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8tioq/the_voodoo_dick/
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My violin tutor told me my fingering was good but my positions could be better.

And then we started the lesson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8thfl/my_violin_tutor_told_me_my_fingering_was_good_but/
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What's the difference between a Polish wedding and a Polish funeral?

One less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8tagz/whats_the_difference_between_a_polish_wedding_and/
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Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

They are lined up in front of three doors. The first is opened to reveal a swarm of wasps and mosquitoes. Satan's voice booms "Mr Obama you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these vile creations!" And with that, Obama is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.
Clinton and Trump are now terrified. The second door opens, and it reveals a room filled with angry rabid dogs and badgers. Satan's voice booms again "Mr Clinton you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these ghastly beasts!" And with that, Clinton is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.
Trump is now wetting himself. The final door opens, but instead of there being anything horrific, Trump sees the most drop-dead gorgeous young woman he has ever laid eyes on, with perfect skin, a stunning face, and thick flowing hair. Satan's voice booms one final time "Mrs Samson you have sinned…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8tacf/donald_trump_barack_obama_and_bill_clinton_die/
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A man goes to the doctors

The doctor says, "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You have cancer and Alzheimers".
"Oh well, at least I don't have cancer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8t9x0/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors/
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I've just come back from the doctors, I've caught onomatorrhoea.

It's as bad as it sounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8t0dc/ive_just_come_back_from_the_doctors_ive_caught/
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A coworker told me they were constipated...

I said "No shit?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8suh4/a_coworker_told_me_they_were_constipated/
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Why was the liquor store clerk arrested?

He was in cider trading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ss5l/why_was_the_liquor_store_clerk_arrested/
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What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a portrait of Jesus Christ?

The portrait needed only one nail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ss2u/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_christ_and_a/
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How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Duct tape a piece of bread to the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8sq2r/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_ethiopia/
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Did you hear about the restraunt that's opened up on the moon?

Service is stellar and the food is out of this world but theres no atmosphere..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8sphd/did_you_hear_about_the_restraunt_thats_opened_up/
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I used to have back problems...

but now they're behind me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8slij/i_used_to_have_back_problems/
%
Getting hard

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing..."Psst...come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit...that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8si16/getting_hard/
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What's a computer's least favorite food

Spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8sgch/whats_a_computers_least_favorite_food/
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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.
"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I hope this isn't a deal-breaker."
"Oh thank God!" the groom exclaims. "I have a secret too...my penis is the size of a newborn."
The couple is so happy they've aired their most embarrassing information and relieved the other is okay with it.
The wedding day comes and goes and the husband and wife start to undress in front of each other for the first time. The bride takes off her dress, unfastens her bra, and as she said her chest looked like a wall with nipples, no boobs at all. Then the groom takes off his suit, drops his underwear, and reveals a monstrously large penis. So large it is almost grotesque.
"I thought you said that was going to be as small as a newborn?" she asked.
He answers, "well it is, it's 19 inches long and weighs 8 lbs...are you ready?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8sft0/a_newlywed_couple_waited_for_marriage_to_have_sex/
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To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide, but you can’t run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8sffk/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_that_stole_my/
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How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8sduw/how_does_a_penguin_build_its_house/
%
Does anyone else remember mandatory penis inspection days at school?

It was weird that they were done by the PE coach and not a doctor, but ok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8sc0p/does_anyone_else_remember_mandatory_penis/
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Canada got its name from a hat full of random letters.

The first one was C eh. The next one was N eh and the last one was D eh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ryyp/canada_got_its_name_from_a_hat_full_of_random/
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How old is Santa Claus?

The same age as your father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8rwei/how_old_is_santa_claus/
%
I undersnd why kids love fortnite so much

Who doesn't love hoping out of a bus and shooting everyone in sight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8rw2h/i_undersnd_why_kids_love_fortnite_so_much/
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Why is it not wise to ask the homosexuals for directions?

They'll never tell you when you need to go straight...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8rv9t/why_is_it_not_wise_to_ask_the_homosexuals_for/
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TIL that a chemical in blueberries stimulates mental activity

Food for thought

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ruxp/til_that_a_chemical_in_blueberries_stimulates/
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A guy walks into a bar

and orders 10 shots of tequila.
The bartender looks at him and says “wow what’s the occasion?”
The guy says “yeah I’m celebrating my first blowjob”
“Wow here’s one on the house” the bartender says
The guy says “no thanks, if 10 doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth nothing will”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ruc8/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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If you’re going to have sex with a frog, use a condom.

If you want the frog to enjoy it...
Ribbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8rs2r/if_youre_going_to_have_sex_with_a_frog_use_a/
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What do you call the vaccinated twin?

Designated survivor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8rrf2/what_do_you_call_the_vaccinated_twin/
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A man is at the doctor's office

The doctor walks back into the room and tells the man that theres good news and bad news and asks which he would like to hear first.
"Good news" the man says.
"There's gonna be a new disease named after you." The doctor replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8rm7i/a_man_is_at_the_doctors_office/
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I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.
On the right side, there is nothing left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8rjff/i_finally_figured_out_whats_wrong_with_my_brain/
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I’m sorry sir, but...

Officer: I’m sorry sir, but it looks like your wife got run over by a truck.
Husband: I know. She has a great personality though!
Officer: What...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8rhob/im_sorry_sir_but/
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I saw a kid freaking out on Santa’s lap

I guess he was claus-traphobic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8rh44/i_saw_a_kid_freaking_out_on_santas_lap/
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What did the hotel keeper tell the guest who was complaining about cockroaches?

"It's not a bug, it's a feature."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8rgn2/what_did_the_hotel_keeper_tell_the_guest_who_was/
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I met this drunk guy at a bar who kept telling everyone he’s a famous rapper.

I think he’s ludacris

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8rg3v/i_met_this_drunk_guy_at_a_bar_who_kept_telling/
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A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.
The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.
The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.
While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?"
The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy."
The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?"
The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8reap/a_french_man_a_british_man_and_a_spanish_man_are/
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Why do ducks ruffle their feathers?

To make sure there covering their quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8rdva/why_do_ducks_ruffle_their_feathers/
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Al Gore's dentist had trouble doing a filling.

It was An Inconvenient Tooth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8rav2/al_gores_dentist_had_trouble_doing_a_filling/
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I recently got laser hair removal on my groin...

It was a combo hair removal and health foods facility. I left with Brazilian nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8r9yn/i_recently_got_laser_hair_removal_on_my_groin/
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A doctors patient dies after a type B blood transfusion

Musta been a type-O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8r9au/a_doctors_patient_dies_after_a_type_b_blood/
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A man came home covered in glitter

His wife confronted him on the sparkling dust on his shirt and pants. “Honey, I was just helping our daughter make a Mother’s Day card for you.” The wife still slightly suspicious asked, “ok but why do you smell like cinnamon and honey” to which the husband replied, “damn you’re good.  How did you know their names?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8r93g/a_man_came_home_covered_in_glitter/
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Your mumma’s so fat

Thanos had to snap twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8r7hw/your_mummas_so_fat/
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About 100 years everybody owned horses and only the rich owned cars

Now everyone owns cars and only the rich own horses. How the stables have turned.
Edit : sorry for the bad pun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8r79u/about_100_years_everybody_owned_horses_and_only/
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My local feminist branch hates when I call in with questions.

I keep asking for the "man in charge"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8r4tn/my_local_feminist_branch_hates_when_i_call_in/
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Girlfriend: What is the greatest thing you’d do for me?

Me: Stand in front of a car to save your life.
Girlfriend: You’d do that for me?
Me: As long as the car isn't moving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8r0s0/girlfriend_what_is_the_greatest_thing_youd_do_for/
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What do Santa and my creepy neighbor Chad have in common?

They both see me when I’m sleeping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qx9s/what_do_santa_and_my_creepy_neighbor_chad_have_in/
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If the world was flat...

Cats would've pushed everything off it by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qx1p/if_the_world_was_flat/
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My wife told me I need to do more around the house...

Apparently, she wasn't talking about Mrs. Moore from across the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qwvk/my_wife_told_me_i_need_to_do_more_around_the_house/
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Brock Turner sounds like a dish made from broccoli and turnips...

Which is fitting because he prefers his women to be in vegetative states!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qvzs/brock_turner_sounds_like_a_dish_made_from/
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The bartender says, “we don’t serve time travellers here.”

A time time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qrta/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travellers/
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My parents got seperated when i was 9 and I hated going to my dads on weekends.

I tried telling my mom that you don't split custody when your spouse dies but she just kept dropping me off at the cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qq5r/my_parents_got_seperated_when_i_was_9_and_i_hated/
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The police just raided the North Pole!

I heard they had probable Claus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qpes/the_police_just_raided_the_north_pole/
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There are 10 types of people in the world...

Those who don't understand binary...
And those who do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qp72/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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Magic bunny!

A young texan cowboy is riding along his property when he spots an injured rabbit struggling to free itself from some wire mesh it's stuck in. He's about to put the furball out of its misery when the rabbit says:
"Wait!! I'm a magic bunny! If you free me and let me go, I'll grant you one wish".
The cowboy is surprised but he already knows what he wants and won't miss this chance. He gets off his horse and starts freeing the rabbit as he says:
"Awrite ya lil critter, ya got yerself a deal. I have the darnedest luck with the ladies on account of my small... attributes down there. I want the same privates as this here horse, then yer free to go".
The now free rabbit wipes the dust off its fur and says: "Whoa, that's sure to startle any human lass. Easy." The bunny casts its spell and hops off. "Now if you'll excuse me..."
The cowboy already feels the difference; he rushes home and pulls his pants down excitedly in front of a big mirror.
"Son of a gun!" Yells the cowboy, while he slams his hat on the floor. "Ah just HAD to ride the damn mare today!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qo82/magic_bunny/
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I recently got into choir singing after I broke my knee

Or more specifically, apatella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qnmq/i_recently_got_into_choir_singing_after_i_broke/
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I walked into my girlfriends bedroom yesterday without knocking.

As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qn21/i_walked_into_my_girlfriends_bedroom_yesterday/
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How long does it take for you to hit the ground after slipping on a banana peel?

One banano-second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qml5/how_long_does_it_take_for_you_to_hit_the_ground/
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According to...

According to this box of Mac and Cheese
I'm a family of 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qjbn/according_to/
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

‘Cause they’re dead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qiqa/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_going_to_the/
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Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia is the medical term for brain freeze.

A quick way you can get this is by eating an ice cream...
or by trying to say the medical term for brain freeze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qg1z/sphenopalatine_ganglioneuralgia_is_the_medical/
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A man stole an advent calendar

He got 25 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qccw/a_man_stole_an_advent_calendar/
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Why don’t Jews celebrate Christmas?

They don’t want to be on anymore lists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8qb4a/why_dont_jews_celebrate_christmas/
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So I walked into he doctor’s office

He said : “Pick a star sign any star sign.”
I said : “Capricorn”
And he said : “Nah you got cancer”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8q9z0/so_i_walked_into_he_doctors_office/
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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are €200, €100, and €20. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

“Because he used to live in a brothel” says the shopkeep. She pays the €20.
When she gets home the parrot says “Fuck me, a new brothel!” The woman laughs.
When the daughters get home the parrot says “Fuck me, 2 new tarts!” The girls laugh too.
When the father finally gets home the parrot says “Fuck me Jack, haven’t seen you for weeks!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8q8y8/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_200/
%
Just found an unopened Christmas present from last year.

Imagine giving someone a dog skeleton!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8q8wc/just_found_an_unopened_christmas_present_from/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8q69f/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
One of my favourites: My friend died when we couldn’t remember his blood type

He kept saying “Be Positive,” but it’s hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8q60b/one_of_my_favourites_my_friend_died_when_we/
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What was Stephen Hawkins Last Words?

Shutting down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8q3w4/what_was_stephen_hawkins_last_words/
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How do you tell the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8q3l7/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_snowmen/
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My wife and I are trying to have a child...

Thing is  I just dont have the balls to tell her I've had a vasectomy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8q2js/my_wife_and_i_are_trying_to_have_a_child/
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A little boy tries out for a play at his middle school.

After auditions, he comes home, and his mom asks him, “What part did you get?”
The boy replies, “I got the part of the Jewish Husband.”
Angrily, the mother replies, “You march right back to that school and tell them you want a speaking part.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8q219/a_little_boy_tries_out_for_a_play_at_his_middle/
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Fame

A guy goes in to a recording studio and hands the engineer what must be 50 grand in cash. He says, "I want you to record exactly what I say, then use the leftover money to print up as many CDs as you can, and send them to every record label head, A&R rep, talent scout and manager in the business."
The engineer looks at the huge amount of cash and agrees. He sets up a mic in the booth then heads back into the console. The guy goes into the booth, closes the door and starts to speak:
"Since I was little, all I ever wanted to be was a musician. I trained with the best in the business, practised every day, and made myself to be the best I could possibly be. I learned to write songs and record, played every instrument on my demo tapes and created masterpieces. And then I brought them to you people at the record companies. And you rejected me. I tried again and again, refining and bettering my work, but the response was always the same - that people didn't want musicianship, talent and songs written from the heart. They wanted easy to swallow crap that was familiar and easy to listen to. They wanted the same old thing, instead of something original!"
"Well, I'm fed up! I've worked my whole life and have never been successful! You've ruined my dream, crushed my hopes and destroyed me! I have nothing left to live for, and I hope you're all happy!"
With that he takes a gun out of his pocket and shoots himself dead, right in the vocal booth.
Just then the engineer comes on the talkback mic and says, "Okay, I got the levels all set. Let's try a take."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8pykm/fame/
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A friend said to me, "what rhymes with orange?"

I said, "no it doesn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8pxql/a_friend_said_to_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
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A boy says to a girl

, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8pvht/a_boy_says_to_a_girl/
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I don't understand my wife, first she says "Yes, fine, have a tattoo!"

...and now she's moaning about the bagpipers in the garden!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8prlu/i_dont_understand_my_wife_first_she_says_yes_fine/
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There are 3 types of people in this world

Those who can count and those who can’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8poeh/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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What did the drug-dealing duck say?

"Hey. Want some *quack?*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8pk63/what_did_the_drugdealing_duck_say/
%
I remember having a dry ice presentation in middle school.

It was sublime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8pilv/i_remember_having_a_dry_ice_presentation_in/
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My therapist told me I have an addictive personality

I said, “Tell me more”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8pdf2/my_therapist_told_me_i_have_an_addictive/
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Why do old people always go to church?

Studying for finals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8p2ul/why_do_old_people_always_go_to_church/
%
Some people have compared Trump to Caesar.

Would that make him Orange Julius?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ozr3/some_people_have_compared_trump_to_caesar/
%
What does a tree that’s about to fall need?

Lumber Support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ouxg/what_does_a_tree_thats_about_to_fall_need/
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What kind of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood
(google it kids)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8olw7/what_kind_of_wood_doesnt_float/
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What does a gay vampire cholo say?

I want, to fuck, you blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8oi6v/what_does_a_gay_vampire_cholo_say/
%
So, Yesterday I asked my mother if I was adopted...

She told me : "No sweetheart, no one wanted you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ofh5/so_yesterday_i_asked_my_mother_if_i_was_adopted/
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My Son was thrown out of school for letting a girl in his class wank him off.

I said "son, that's three schools this year" ...
Maybe teaching isn't for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ocbm/my_son_was_thrown_out_of_school_for_letting_a/
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My flat earther friend decided to walk to the edge of the earth to prove it was flat...

In the end, he came around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8oapy/my_flat_earther_friend_decided_to_walk_to_the/
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While driving to work today, I saw a huge cheesecake...

Around the next corner was a large trifle, followed by an apple turnover.  There were no cars.  It seemed to me the roads were strangely desserted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8oaos/while_driving_to_work_today_i_saw_a_huge/
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A son is having a word with his father.

The son says, "Dad, you remember when I killed a butterfly and you said no butter for a week?" The father replies, "Yes." "And you remember when I killed that honeybee and you said no honey for a week?" says the son. "Yes, of course." says the father. The son replies, "Well, Mom just killed a cockroach, should I break the news to her?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8oa9r/a_son_is_having_a_word_with_his_father/
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As we landed in Pakistan the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how the fuck do I turn it back to the 7th century?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8o742/as_we_landed_in_pakistan_the_pilot_announced/
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Every time my girlfriend tells a racist joke, I always think of one thing.

Why did I even imagine her?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8o4td/every_time_my_girlfriend_tells_a_racist_joke_i/
%
What kind of jokes do people with short-term memory loss tell?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ns7n/what_kind_of_jokes_do_people_with_shortterm/
%
Why was Santa's helper sad?

He had low elf-esteem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8nr73/why_was_santas_helper_sad/
%
If at first you don’t succeed...

skydiving is not for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8nq1b/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
If Trump's hair sees it's shadow...

the government shutdown will last for 6 more weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8np07/if_trumps_hair_sees_its_shadow/
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I'm not a betting person,

I usually don't have much luck, so I tend to avoid gambling. When I was at the butchers the other day, my friend, the butcher, invited me into the freezer and said "I bet you can't pull down the meat from the hooks above you". I replied with "You're right, the steaks are too high".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ngxi/im_not_a_betting_person/
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of Helium?

HeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8nec7/what_did_the_scientist_say_when_he_found_2/
%
help: iphone 6s freezes but only when i play song "down with the sickness" any ideas??



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ndbe/help_iphone_6s_freezes_but_only_when_i_play_song/
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What is the problem with incest?

It runs in the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8n8oz/what_is_the_problem_with_incest/
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What is a gay banker's favorite Christmas movie?

Homo Loan 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8n5qa/what_is_a_gay_bankers_favorite_christmas_movie/
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What gift card does santa get for naughty children?

Kohl’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8n1ww/what_gift_card_does_santa_get_for_naughty_children/
%
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.

They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8msaz/my_lesbian_neighbours_eva_and_julia_asked_me_to/
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Doctor, doctor My wife keeps sending me out to eat German homes.

I'm afraid you have munchausen by proxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8mrzp/doctor_doctor_my_wife_keeps_sending_me_out_to_eat/
%
French fries were never made in France

They were made in Grease

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8mrbs/french_fries_were_never_made_in_france/
%
So my boss just pulled up in a brand new loaded out BMW

I said  "Wow nice ride!"
He said "Thanks! If you put in a lot overtime, meet all your deadlines, and help me meet all our our productivity goals, I can get another one next year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8mqjm/so_my_boss_just_pulled_up_in_a_brand_new_loaded/
%
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8mnep/i_got_my_kid_a_puppy_as_a_present_but_it_died/
%
Doctor, doctor I'm really fat and when I play music I crash through the wooden support.

It's just a stage you're going through

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8mmbm/doctor_doctor_im_really_fat_and_when_i_play_music/
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People with insomnia are pretty cool

They’re up for anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8mkxq/people_with_insomnia_are_pretty_cool/
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A Man Walks Into A Pet Shop

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner “I want to get a pet that will impress my friends. I don’t want anything normal though, so do you have any weird or extraordinary pets?” The pet shop owner says “I’ve got just the thing.” He pulls out a match box and says “This here is a talking centipede.”
The man says “Well that’s what I’m talking about! Hell, I’ll take it. How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $500. Without another thought, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
When he gets home, he has his friends over and lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table. He says "Hey guys, you’re never gonna believe this, but I got a talking centipede!”
The friends are skeptical and ask him to prove it. The man leans forward to the box and says “Hey Mr. Centipede, wanna get some beers with me and the guys?” The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to wait for an hour and try again later.
An hour later his friend decides to give it a try. He opens the match box and says "Hey Mr. Centipede, wanna get some beers with us at the bar?” The centipede again says nothing. The friends all start to think the man got ripped off. The man says “Well hold on! I spent $500 on this little guy, let’s give him one more chance. We’ll hang out for another hour and ask him again, and if he doesn’t respond, I’ll take him back for a refund.”
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hey Mr. Centipede, I’m not going to ask you again. Do you want to come to the bar with us to get some beers??” The centipede says "I heard you the first time, asshole! I'm putting my shoes on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8mjlw/a_man_walks_into_a_pet_shop/
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Did you hear about the pregnant redhead with a yeast infection?

She just gave birth to a healthy baby gingerbread man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8misy/did_you_hear_about_the_pregnant_redhead_with_a/
%
Boyfriend: I bet you can’t tell me something that makes me both happy and sad at the same time.

Girlfriend: Your dick is bigger than your best friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8m7i2/boyfriend_i_bet_you_cant_tell_me_something_that/
%
If a Muslim beats his wife...

Would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8m5qg/if_a_muslim_beats_his_wife/
%
Santa gave me coal one Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8m33o/santa_gave_me_coal_one_christmas_so_the_next_year/
%
A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts

Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”
His wife asks, “How can I do it without surgery?”
“Just rub toilet paper between them.”
Startled, the lady asks, “How does that make them bigger?”
“I don‘t know, but it worked for your ass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8m270/a_woman_says_to_her_husband_that_she_wants_to/
%
Did you hear the Russians have began funding and creating technology to compromise and undermine the USA’s recent Central American initiatives?

They have created a ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lybf/did_you_hear_the_russians_have_began_funding_and/
%
What did the Chinese business man say to his opthalmologist when he was told that he had a cataract?

>	No no no no no no.
I drive a Rexus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lxu0/what_did_the_chinese_business_man_say_to_his/
%
The bartender says ...

" we dont serve time travellers in here".
A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lwqi/the_bartender_says/
%
I went to a Chinese restaurant and the waiter asked me if I enjoyed my meal.

I told him the chicken was rubbery and he said "thank you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lwmf/i_went_to_a_chinese_restaurant_and_the_waiter/
%
Why do fat people cause earthquakes

Because they’re always moving plates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lw3k/why_do_fat_people_cause_earthquakes/
%
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He would come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He would come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lvzs/a_couple_was_on_their_honeymoon_lying_in_bed/
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What’s a dinosaur’s least favourite reindeer?

Comet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lvwt/whats_a_dinosaurs_least_favourite_reindeer/
%
Jake and Phil were best friends, in a mental asylum.

They had done everything together. They ate together, shared jokes together and in general had a solid friendship. One day, while the asylum had organized a swimming event, Phil started to drown. He had never learned to swim: however, his friend Jake knew how. So, seeing his friend in danger, decided to jump in and save his life.
A couple days pass and the  superintendent comes over to visit Jake. "Hello, Jake," he said, greeting the patient. "You have done this asylum proud, by saving your friend. We're thinking about releasing you after faculty witnessed how you bravely saved another patient. However, we have some bad news." The superintendent paused. "Your friend Phil, shortly after the drowning incident was found dead, he died by hanging."
Jake looked puzzled. "Don't worry sir, I was the one that hanged him up - I wanted him to dry off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lvh8/jake_and_phil_were_best_friends_in_a_mental_asylum/
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I had a pretty good joke about a Catholic priest

But it got old and lost it's appeal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8luhk/i_had_a_pretty_good_joke_about_a_catholic_priest/
%
Sometimes I wish I had a penis like an elephant.

Then I wouldn’t have to lug this big thing around with me all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lonl/sometimes_i_wish_i_had_a_penis_like_an_elephant/
%
How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lo7l/how_does_the_moon_cut_his_hair/
%
A pimp is breaking in his new bitch.

Pimp: Listen. If you wanna be my woman, your gonna have to make me some money.
Hoe: But I've never done anything like this before.
Pimp: Don't worry. You go and put on your sexiest dress and stand under that lamppost. I'll be back here. Any problems. Just come back and tell me, and and I'll sort it out.
The women is standing under the lamppost and is approached by a young black stud.
Stud: You... umm... looking for some businesses.
Hoe: Yes.
Stud: How much?
Hoe: Just wait here and I'll be back.
Hoe: He said how much?
Pimp: Tell him $100.
Hoe: Honey. You can have me for $100.
Stud: Girl your killing me. I've only got $60.
Hoe: I'll be right back.
Hoe: He's only got $60.
Pimp: Tell him '$60 only gets him a BJ' .
Hoe: $60 and I'll give you the best BJ.
Stud: Well... I guess that'll have to do.
They go round the back of the alley. The women takes one look the young studs manhood.
Hoe: Wait a moment. I'll be right back.
Women goes see her pimp.
Hoe: Have you got $40 to lend the young man?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lnzr/a_pimp_is_breaking_in_his_new_bitch/
%
"Never get in the car with a stranger," my dad always said.

I'm 38 and I still haven't learnt to fucking drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ln0h/never_get_in_the_car_with_a_stranger_my_dad/
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They say not having sex is the best form of birth control

Well i've tried it and my wife still had a baby...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lmv7/they_say_not_having_sex_is_the_best_form_of_birth/
%
Two dogs were walking by a parking meter

The first dog said,
"Would you look at that, a pay toilet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8llpc/two_dogs_were_walking_by_a_parking_meter/
%
My wife walked into the bathroom while I was showering this morning.

Rubbing her shoulder, she said, “I don’t think I slept right. My shoulder is stiff. Are you stiff?”
I said, “No.”
After a second or two I added, “This water is nice and hot, you should get in the shower.”
She asked, “Do you think it’ll help my shoulder?”
I said, “No, but it’ll stiffen me right up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ljx5/my_wife_walked_into_the_bathroom_while_i_was/
%
Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Husband: -" You promise if I tell you the truth you wont get mad?"
Wife: -"Yes I promise"
Husband: -"I sleept with your sister"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lj53/wife_hey_honey_does_this_dress_make_me_look_fat/
%
At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.

“How are the things going on in your country right now?”
“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics and mass murders keep happening everyday.”
“The things aren’t that great here as well,” replied the Syrian student.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8li1u/at_a_university_exchange_programme_an_american/
%
I asked my girlfriend for a gift that would last the whole year...

She gave me a calendar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lhf2/i_asked_my_girlfriend_for_a_gift_that_would_last/
%
If my son was gay I wouldn't accept him

Why should he be given special treatment just because he is gay?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lgem/if_my_son_was_gay_i_wouldnt_accept_him/
%
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lg40/i_accidentally_drank_holy_water_with_my_laxatives/
%
(I'll preface this by saying I'm not sexist)

But it's a well known fact that women never answer video calls after 9pm because their face has been restored to factory settings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ldod/ill_preface_this_by_saying_im_not_sexist/
%
What’s a cow called when it eats another cow?

An American

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ldgo/whats_a_cow_called_when_it_eats_another_cow/
%
Four fonts walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ldda/four_fonts_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I don't know what's involved in the training for the Paralympics

But it looks fucking dangerous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lc7l/i_dont_know_whats_involved_in_the_training_for/
%
It's just so sad ....

How often I see zookeepers breaking their own "Don't Feed the Animals" rule.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lbrh/its_just_so_sad/
%
You never hear any mention of who cut the cord at Jesus' birth.

It must have been unbiblical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lb9i/you_never_hear_any_mention_of_who_cut_the_cord_at/
%
In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).
Source: Catholic Exchange
Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence that that word in the OP I can barely understand had only one more syllable than "Gloria".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8lacd/in_the_english_language_the_word/
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You ever heard of the ocean located at 5.694647° S, 136.987557° W?

I like to call it the specific ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8la38/you_ever_heard_of_the_ocean_located_at_5694647_s/
%
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana...

Is it called high jacking or weed wacking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8l5r8/if_you_masturbate_after_smoking_marijuana/
%
A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.

The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do *whatever* you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"
"Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language."
The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do *whatever* you want to me. "
One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8l2a7/a_woman_goes_to_her_local_church_to_talk_to_the/
%
When I said I'd challenge myself to a boxing match...

They all said "Sure, knock yourself out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8l16o/when_i_said_id_challenge_myself_to_a_boxing_match/
%
An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.

Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!
Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.
Doctor: I didn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8kvh0/an_obgyn_asks_a_lady_to_put_her_feet_up_on_the/
%
Being complemented by a gay guy is like getting a million Pesos...

It's completely useless but once i cross that border...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ktkc/being_complemented_by_a_gay_guy_is_like_getting_a/
%
Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?

A relative minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8krop/whats_a_violinist_from_alabamas_favorite_scale_to/
%
Why is Santa Claus always jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8kqau/why_is_santa_claus_always_jolly/
%
Someone asked me if I had ever noticed that I had a keen sense for being able to tell where water was underground...

I replied, "I'm well aware."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8kpur/someone_asked_me_if_i_had_ever_noticed_that_i_had/
%
My Spanish-speaking wife and I named our daughter 'Mundo'

She means the world to us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8kkrc/my_spanishspeaking_wife_and_i_named_our_daughter/
%
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart...

But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8kkqp/last_christmas_i_gave_you_my_heart/
%
Why did the programmer get stuck in the shower?

Because his shampoo said "lather, rinse, repeat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8kkd0/why_did_the_programmer_get_stuck_in_the_shower/
%
What have Britain and Warner Brothers/DC got in common?

Neither of them know how to handle an EU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8kj6b/what_have_britain_and_warner_brothersdc_got_in/
%
What’s the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?

A pimple waits until you’re twelve to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8kius/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
%
What do you say to your sister when shes crying?

Are you having a crisis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8kgfw/what_do_you_say_to_your_sister_when_shes_crying/
%
Actually looking forward to Christmas this year for once.

I usually get terrible presents for the Mrs that she don’t actually want, but this year found her Christmas list and I've got everything on it;
Eggs
Milk
Bread
Butter
Bacon
Sugar
Toilet roll
She's going to be well impressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ke2e/actually_looking_forward_to_christmas_this_year/
%
"Beer Runner" goes free after being arrested for stealing 23 beers...

The DA didn't have a case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8kdz7/beer_runner_goes_free_after_being_arrested_for/
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Christmas joke

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8kdo9/christmas_joke/
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Crap Christmas cracker joke

I was walking down the road with a 9 foot book under my arm when a guy who was walking past me said "what's with the big book?" I replied "It's a long story mate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8kcg3/crap_christmas_cracker_joke/
%
Why does a duck have feathers?

To cover up its butt quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8kawj/why_does_a_duck_have_feathers/
%
What cheese is made backwards?

Edam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8kagv/what_cheese_is_made_backwards/
%
What happens when you have a bladder infection

Urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8k4xu/what_happens_when_you_have_a_bladder_infection/
%
Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

Because she threw out all the bent ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8k2nm/why_did_the_blond_get_fired_from_the_banana/
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r/Jokes is full of reposts.

No wonder this site is called 'Reddit'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8jtzp/rjokes_is_full_of_reposts/
%
My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.

I said "whatever floats your boat mate"
He said "No, thats buoyancy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8jt6z/my_best_mate_told_me_he_was_totally_into_beyonce/
%
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house

I texted her, " oh pun the door! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8jrkj/after_getting_sick_of_my_dad_jokes_my_wife_locked/
%
Where's a Cows Favorite Place to Sit?

The Cowch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8jpxi/wheres_a_cows_favorite_place_to_sit/
%
I rang the hotel receptionist last night, and asked them for a wake up call.

She said "You´re 30 years old, still single, still living with your mother, and you´ve achieved absolutely nothing in life".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8joor/i_rang_the_hotel_receptionist_last_night_and/
%
I have a wierd talent where i can identify what's inside a wrapped present

Its a Gift!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8jnxh/i_have_a_wierd_talent_where_i_can_identify_whats/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8jnol/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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I keep hearing high pitched Christmas songs in my ear.

My Doctor thinks it might be tinseltus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8jiwz/i_keep_hearing_high_pitched_christmas_songs_in_my/
%
I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas

It's not her main present, just a stocking filler!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8jgyj/i_got_my_wife_a_prosthetic_leg_for_christmas/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8jf9m/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8jf02/what_does_japanese_people_do_when_they_have/
%
Why are cat’s carvings expensive?

Because they start from scratch
I’m bad at this aren’t I

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8jdi2/why_are_cats_carvings_expensive/
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How did hitter die?

He had a heart attack when he saw his gas bill. (Hitler my bad)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8jcx8/how_did_hitter_die/
%
A guy was walking down the street in New York City

When he noticed another man trying to take an old lady’s purse. As he ran over he noticed she was putting up a pretty good fight. He didn’t know if he should intervene at this point but he decided he would.
With his help they were able to get the purse pretty quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8jb5q/a_guy_was_walking_down_the_street_in_new_york_city/
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Christmas time is a time of giving, not receiving.

Which causes arguments between gay couples every year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8j7jz/christmas_time_is_a_time_of_giving_not_receiving/
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Elephant's Mating Season

A guy applies for a job at the zoo. The head keeper of the zoo said, "Your job will be to clean out the elephant cage. But, I have to warn you it's mating season and they will jump on just about anything." "Don't worry," the guy replied, "I've worked with elephants before."
Half way through his first day he goes running in to the head keeper's office screaming, "I quit, one of those elephants cornered me and now my asshole is the size of a basketball."
"That can't be true," replied the head keeper, "if you worked with elephants before you know their penises are about as round as a grapefruit."
"I know, I know," the guy screams, "but, he fingered me first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8j4ih/elephants_mating_season/
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What's the biggest problem with Trump jokes?

The biggest problem is that Republicans don't find them  funny and Democrats don't find them as jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8iz98/whats_the_biggest_problem_with_trump_jokes/
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Jesus: I am the bread of life

Roman soldiers: Lets get this bread
Jesus: Wait, no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8iz5t/jesus_i_am_the_bread_of_life/
%
Study finds that the most popular fetish among Millennial is...

Role playing as a couple that owns a house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8iy3z/study_finds_that_the_most_popular_fetish_among/
%
You're so ugly...

... I'm going to have to stop drinking just so I don't have to look at two of you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ixc1/youre_so_ugly/
%
Two engineering students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8itgs/two_engineering_students_were_biking_across_campus/
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What did one ice berg say to the other ice berg?

Icy you there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ijft/what_did_one_ice_berg_say_to_the_other_ice_berg/
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They're having a holiday party for the Erectile Dysfunction Society.

Nobody can come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8iiev/theyre_having_a_holiday_party_for_the_erectile/
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What’s the difference between Prune Juice and OJ?

Prune Juice will give you the shits..... OJ will kill you and your boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8igkf/whats_the_difference_between_prune_juice_and_oj/
%
Why was the superconductor sleeping under a bridge?

Because it's Ohmless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8if2n/why_was_the_superconductor_sleeping_under_a_bridge/
%
Three blondes go into the woods to find the perfect Christmas Tree

After hours of searching one says:
"Maybe we should just take one of these without the ornaments!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8i9ka/three_blondes_go_into_the_woods_to_find_the/
%
You can be an American before you go to the bathroom, and you can be an American after you come out of the bathroom. But do you know what you are while you're in there?

European.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8i8zs/you_can_be_an_american_before_you_go_to_the/
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What did the cheer leader say to the ghost?

Show your spirit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8i70y/what_did_the_cheer_leader_say_to_the_ghost/
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A man approaches the gates of heaven

and asks to be allowed to enter.
"Tell me one good thing you did in your life,"says St Peter.
"Well,"says the man,"I saw a group of punks harassing an elderly lady, so I ran up and kicked the leader in the shins."
St Peter is impressed." When did this happen?"
"About 40 seconds ago"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8i42d/a_man_approaches_the_gates_of_heaven/
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"Once you question your beliefs then it's all over"

~Adolf Hilter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8i3nh/once_you_question_your_beliefs_then_its_all_over/
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Two police detectives are discussing a serial killer's case

The rookie detective Bob is reading the case files for a serial killer whose MO includes cutting out the tongues and amputating the legs of all his victims. Curious, he asks the senior detective Joe about this serial killer.
"Oh yeah, we've been trying to catch this guy for about 10 years now, but he always manages to elude us", says Joe.
"This guy is fucking sick. He cuts out their tongues and amputates their legs. Is this some bizarre sexual fetish? Does he rape his victims too?" Bob asks.
"No no, he never touches them like that. He'll mutilate and torture them, sure, but there's never any sexual aspect to any of his crimes. It's weird, you'd definitely expect a sick freak like this to have committed more than his fair share of rape but out of his 50+ victims, he's never raped a single one," Joe says.
Bob is visibly disturbed and feeling bad for the rookie, Joe tries to lighten things up.
"You know, some of the boys have taken to calling him Wife"
"I don't understand. He's male, so why is he nicknamed Wife?"
"Well it's because he never lets you talk, never lets you go anywhere, but will absolutely never fuck you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8i3kz/two_police_detectives_are_discussing_a_serial/
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle, and homeless man on a unicycle?

A Tire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8i2hp/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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The tetrahedron is the second coolest platonic solid.

Right next to tucking your homie in for bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hz6u/the_tetrahedron_is_the_second_coolest_platonic/
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What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

A prostitute can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hyj7/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
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A stepdad is going to a Panic! Concert

His step daughter desperately wants to go.  She tells her stepdad “You’ve got to take me to the concert!”  To which he says, “The tickets were very expensive you’ll have to do something for me first.”   She says “OK, what do you have in mind?”  His response is premeditated.  “You’ll have to give me a blowjob.”  She thinks about how badly she wants to go to this concert and agrees.  After the long and tedious task she says, “I hope you enjoyed it, it tasted like shit!”  And he says, “Well your brother wanted to go too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hxbk/a_stepdad_is_going_to_a_panic_concert/
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What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.
~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hwvh/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_without_scales_tail/
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What did the dad who had too many avocados say to people as he handed them out for free?

"Havocado!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hvje/what_did_the_dad_who_had_too_many_avocados_say_to/
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The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.
Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.
“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.
“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”
“I am in a bit of a rush, I’m sure It’ll be fine,” she implored.
“Ma’am, I cannot.”
“Fine, pull over and let me drive!” She commanded.
Not wanting to refuse a direct order from the Queen, the driver traded places with the aging monarch.
She immediately opened the throttle of the provided Rolls-Royce. Soon they were going 130 mph down the beltway.
Red and blue lights flash; the car is pulled over.
A rookie cop calls in the speeding ticket but asks for backup.
Dispatch says, “seems pretty routine, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s a very important person, Sir, I don’t know what to do.”
“Uhhh, who is it?” Dispatch asks.
“Not sure,” says the rookie, “but they got the Queen driving for them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hviv/the_queen_of_england_is_due_to_arrive_at_a_state/
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Wife: i've sent the kids to the sitter

Me: cool
Wife: *taking clothes off* you know what that means?
Me: yeah, someone who looks after our children for money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hv2s/wife_ive_sent_the_kids_to_the_sitter/
%
What is the first rule of Vegan Club?

Talk to everyone about vegan club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hunl/what_is_the_first_rule_of_vegan_club/
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Why are the books always better than the movies?

Because, like communism, some things just worked out better on paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8htu0/why_are_the_books_always_better_than_the_movies/
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The guy is carrying a keg of beer

It's Friday evening, great weather, long weekend ahead. Everything is just perfect.
Suddenly he sees some rusty antique lamp in a pile of garbage. Curious, he picks it up.
Surely enough genie appears.
- what's your wish?
- what, just one?
- yep, this is a used lamp, only one left
- ok, look, everything's great, I don't even know... How about... Make it such that this keg never runs out of beer!
- Done - says genie and disappears in the puff of smoke.
And the guy is still trying to open the keg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hsrm/the_guy_is_carrying_a_keg_of_beer/
%
My wife plays this game with me called Tekken...

Tekken for granted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hs3x/my_wife_plays_this_game_with_me_called_tekken/
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Why are there so many women archeologists?

Because they love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8howd/why_are_there_so_many_women_archeologists/
%
Penguin

A penguin takes his car to the shop. The mechanic tells him it's gonna be a while. To pass some time he goes across the street and gets an ice cream sundae. The penguin goes to town on the sundae. He heads back to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal."  "Nah man, it's just a lil ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hn3w/penguin/
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I got a call from a recruitment officer.

She said:  Sir, I have two openings for you.
Me:  Yes, I know.
Her:  (after long pause) Asshole!
Me:  I prefer the other one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hm40/i_got_a_call_from_a_recruitment_officer/
%
What is the gayest dinosaur?

Megasaurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hl6y/what_is_the_gayest_dinosaur/
%
My friend Dave wants to open a combination strip club/marijuana dispensary.

He want’s to call it Dave’s Pot and Twat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hknf/my_friend_dave_wants_to_open_a_combination_strip/
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A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.
The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hk9s/a_beautiful_women_is_standing_on_a_bridge/
%
A pirate walks into a bar.

The bartender notices that the pirate has an eye patch, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg. The bartender asks:
"What happened to you?"
The pirate says, "well where do i start?" Pointing down to his peg leg, he says "a while back, I was on top of me ship, scannin the horizon, when a rogue wave knocked me off me ship and a whale bit off me leg!"
"Good lord, man! What about the hook?"
"Well the very next day, i was on top of me ship, scannin the horizon, when a rogue wave knocked me off me ship and a shark bit off me hand!"
"Jesus! What about the eye patch?"
"Well the very next day, I was on top of me ship, lookin out for rogue waves, when a seagull shit in my eye!"
Confused, the bartender asks, "Hold on, wait a second. that's why you have the eye patch? That's what blinded you?"
The pirate replies "well no, but it was the first day with me hook"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hgbv/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You check for Fresh Prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hevl/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid.

Man she really wanted a daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hdiy/i_still_remember_when_my_mom_used_to_tuck_me_in/
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As a Jew I told my pagan friend that I only had one God.

Him: No way......     Me: Yahweh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hd87/as_a_jew_i_told_my_pagan_friend_that_i_only_had/
%
I was walking along a road after my car broke down and a passing car stopped to ask if I needed a ride and why I was walking.

Piston broke I answered....Us too come on buddy get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hbol/i_was_walking_along_a_road_after_my_car_broke/
%
A Roman walks into a bar....

And asks for a martinus.
You mean a martini? The bartender asks.
The Roman replies if I wanted a double I would have asked for it .
Another Roman walks into the bar,holds up two fingers
And says "five beers ,please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8hahc/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why don't lawyers celebrate Christmas?

Because of the Santa clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8h7rs/why_dont_lawyers_celebrate_christmas/
%
Lost my watch at a party last night. Saw a guy stepping on it while he was harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose.

No one does that to a girl...not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8h7iz/lost_my_watch_at_a_party_last_night_saw_a_guy/
%
Birthdays are good for you.

The more you have, the longer you live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8h3nv/birthdays_are_good_for_you/
%
Why did M. Night Shyamalan get sent to Guantanamo Bay?

Because he's a Middle Eastern guy who has made a lot of bombs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8h2j7/why_did_m_night_shyamalan_get_sent_to_guantanamo/
%
What do you call a nurse who cant deliver a baby

A midwife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8h1jm/what_do_you_call_a_nurse_who_cant_deliver_a_baby/
%
My daughter used to be scared of her anti-depressant medication.

But now look at her - she takes it like a Lexapro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8h1cq/my_daughter_used_to_be_scared_of_her/
%
Why was Frosty the Snowman smiling?

Because he saw the snow blower coming .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8gzl3/why_was_frosty_the_snowman_smiling/
%
I was having lunch with the Russian President when all of a sudden he vomited...

It was very off Putin
(This is one of my first jokes, pls don't hate)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8gzig/i_was_having_lunch_with_the_russian_president/
%
In America, you can always find a party...

In Soviet Russia, the party always finds YOU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8gz1i/in_america_you_can_always_find_a_party/
%
What do you get when you cross alcohol with literature?

Tequila mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8gxk7/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_alcohol_with/
%
Two light bulbs are watching a switch flip on and off...

The first one turns to the second and says,
"Is it weird that, that turns me on?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8gs9v/two_light_bulbs_are_watching_a_switch_flip_on_and/
%
A man goes to his doctor

And asks him about a spot on his forehead. The doctor looks shocked and says: “I’m sorry to tell you this but in a week that spot will be a full grown penis.” The patient asks him to remove it. The doctor says “it’s attached to your brain. If I remove it you’ll die!”  The patient says “so you’re telling me I’m going to live the rest of my life looking at this thing in the mirror?!” The doctor shakes his head, “oh no,” he says, “the balls will cover your eyes”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8gs1w/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor/
%
Why don’t you ever see a hippo hiding in a tree?

Because they’re good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8grm3/why_dont_you_ever_see_a_hippo_hiding_in_a_tree/
%
What do you call it when a Christian works out?

Jehovah's Fitness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8glpr/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_christian_works_out/
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My new years resolution is gonna be better than last years

it's 1080p instead of 720p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ggib/my_new_years_resolution_is_gonna_be_better_than/
%
What was Nietzsche's biggest problem?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ge9z/what_was_nietzsches_biggest_problem/
%
My wife told me today that she's suffering of depression.

I said "I think it's contagious because whenever I'm around you I wanna kill myself too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8gc51/my_wife_told_me_today_that_shes_suffering_of/
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[OC] I was once asked to put up a fence...

... that was to be laid out in the shape of the capital letter D. So I went down to the hardware store, only to be told by the guy there that he only had the components to make a fence laid out as the letter O.
I figured, that'll be fine - so bought the goods and went back to the site. And as it happens, it made a perfect D shape, and I even had some wood left over.
Which just goes to prove: the best D-fence is a good O-fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8gc2h/oc_i_was_once_asked_to_put_up_a_fence/
%
I just found out I'm colorblind

That diagnosis really came out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8gb8t/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/
%
Bob and Doug are at the pub complaining about the harsh Canadian winter.

Bob finally  says " Fuck it, let's get out here and fly somehere warm".  So off they head to the airport looking for the first flight to anywhere that's sunny. As it happens there's a flight leaving straight away for Brisbane. Australia. They happily hop on looking forward to all that Aussie sunshine.
When they get there they obviously head to the first pub they find for a beer,order a couple of pints and head out to the beer garden to enjoy Brisbane's balmy weather.  A couple of  locals notice the strange looking duo still dressed in their winter woolies downing their beers.
Curiosity gets the better of them and one of the blokes decides he's going to go and ask them where they're from. Walking over to the table he says  " You fella's don't look like you're from around here where are you from? " Bob and Doug look up and both answer in unison
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan".
The Aussie guy stands there for a bit, looking confused, turns around and heads back to his table. His mate asked "So, where are they from? "
"Dunno mate, they don't speak english"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8gazx/bob_and_doug_are_at_the_pub_complaining_about_the/
%
Is it better to call it cum or...

High Fructose Porn Syrup?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8g952/is_it_better_to_call_it_cum_or/
%
I've been diagnosed with the fear of giants...

...feefiphobia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8g5oo/ive_been_diagnosed_with_the_fear_of_giants/
%
A man and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant in town.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked.."it smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a kindhearted fella, he thought "what the hell..I'll treat her"
So he walked her past it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8fy9c/a_man_and_his_wife_walked_past_a_swanky_new/
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I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy.

This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8fwue/i_like_it_when_my_wife_makes_christmas_shopping/
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Well, I guess we are going to see "The Nutcracker" on Saturday!

My mother-in-law, not the play.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8fw6x/well_i_guess_we_are_going_to_see_the_nutcracker/
%
If you went to a strip club at lunchtime and it wasn't open, would the sign on the door say...

"SORRY, WE'RE CLOTHED"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8fw04/if_you_went_to_a_strip_club_at_lunchtime_and_it/
%
Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor...

He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay!"
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her and they went on their honeymoon on the Gold Coast.
That night, in the Fifth Avenue Motel, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said, "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied, "Look at dis Lena ... Still in DA CRATE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ftae/olaf_swenson_out_in_his_pasture_in_northern/
%
What do you call it when a nun is the CEO of your business?

Nun of ya business!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8fp7w/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_nun_is_the_ceo_of_your/
%
It was socretes who once said "to be is to do" and Jean - Paul Sartre who said "to do is to be"

And finally it was Frank Sinatra who said "do-be-do-be-do"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8fnrx/it_was_socretes_who_once_said_to_be_is_to_do_and/
%
Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any kids?

Because he only comes once a year, and it’s always down a chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8fmwo/why_doesnt_santa_claus_have_any_kids/
%
"Hey guys it's pandora here. Welcome to my first unboxing video"

We all know how well that went

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8fj3m/hey_guys_its_pandora_here_welcome_to_my_first/
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What do you call a swordfish that acts out scenes from the Godfather?

Marlin Brando

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8fhbr/what_do_you_call_a_swordfish_that_acts_out_scenes/
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My first time having sex was like football.

I was bloody and sore by the end of it, but atleast my dad came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8fh2l/my_first_time_having_sex_was_like_football/
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I decided to set up a store that only sells gravy, bone gravy, Oxo & Bisto.

If you want some, you'd better hurry, while stocks last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8fghn/i_decided_to_set_up_a_store_that_only_sells_gravy/
%
I intended to put all my money in to electric stairs...

but the costs kept escalating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ff8w/i_intended_to_put_all_my_money_in_to_electric/
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May your Christmas and New Year be like "The Notebook"...

Get so wasted you don't remember Ryan Gosling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8fent/may_your_christmas_and_new_year_be_like_the/
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Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.

There's a lot to do in Chicago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8fbra/everyone_criticizes_apple_maps_but_i_enjoyed/
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The government isn't working.

Have you tried turning it off and back on again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8fb4h/the_government_isnt_working/
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I have a countless amount of jokes about unvaccinated kids

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8f8oa/i_have_a_countless_amount_of_jokes_about/
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I really hate permanent markers

Temporary markers though, on the other hand, are remarkable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8f771/i_really_hate_permanent_markers/
%
Weather girl

“…. and because of the cold front coming in from North-East,  we can expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8f76d/weather_girl/
%
What’s the proper plural of beer?

Sixpack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8f69e/whats_the_proper_plural_of_beer/
%
I just took my pilots Ed test high on magic mushrooms.

I passed with flying colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8f53l/i_just_took_my_pilots_ed_test_high_on_magic/
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My neighbors have sex like 8 times a day

It sucks because I only want to jerk off 4 times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8f0gn/my_neighbors_have_sex_like_8_times_a_day/
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A fart is like whistling.

Only your own is enjoyable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ev2a/a_fart_is_like_whistling/
%
Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8eu80/smoking_a_cigarette_in_a_crowded_room_i_was_a/
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Smoking will kill you ...

Bacon will kill you...
But, smoking bacon will cure it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8er44/smoking_will_kill_you/
%
How does Frosty the Snowman get to work?

By icicle.
This was told on the radio... I hate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8eqch/how_does_frosty_the_snowman_get_to_work/
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Did you hear about the guy who will give blowjobs for a straw?

Sucks to suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8en8w/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_will_give_blowjobs/
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I was planning to make a joke about sodium and hydrogen

But NaH. Happy holidays everyone!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8elo4/i_was_planning_to_make_a_joke_about_sodium_and/
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8elj0/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
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I tried to explain to my 5 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally shit your pants

But he isn't buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ej9g/i_tried_to_explain_to_my_5_year_old_son_that_its/
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Have you guys ever heard of the band 923 megabytes

Nah probably not they haven’t had a gig yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8efqj/have_you_guys_ever_heard_of_the_band_923_megabytes/
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A skeleton walks into a bar...

He asks for a beer...and a mop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8edr3/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
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A participant in a duel showed up armed with a pencil and paper,

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ecx0/a_participant_in_a_duel_showed_up_armed_with_a/
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A boy came home from school and told his parents that he’d had sex with his English teacher...

His father stood to the side while his mother, who was furious, told him he was grounded and to go to his room until they calmed down and could talk to him about it more in depth.
After the kid was in his room for awhile his Dad quietly came in. He said, “Son, what you did... it’s not okay. I know your Mom is furious with you, and I should be too... but damn it son, today you’ve become a man so I just can’t be upset with you.” The boy smiled and thanked his Dad for being understanding. His Dad continued “Look, I want to celebrate this milestone in your life. Let’s go out and I’ll get you that bike you’ve really been wanting.” The son looked up at his father and said “Gee Dad, that sounds great. But can you just get me ice cream instead... my ass is killing me right now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8eb8l/a_boy_came_home_from_school_and_told_his_parents/
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I tried to join a gymnastics class, once.

I had to bend over backwards just to get in.
Thank you to the dad I overheard telling his daughter this on public transport... a genuine dad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8e9mz/i_tried_to_join_a_gymnastics_class_once/
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Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.

In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone.  Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face.  A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve.  I refused to use my hands.  I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell they were still stained with gore.  I did my best to stop the shaking as my anxiety threatened to overwhelm me once more.  I heard muffled footsteps above me and my heart quickened threatening to leave my chest.  A sound at the basement door caused me to jump.  I trained my eyes on the door struggling to see in the dim light.  The door handle rattled and I held my breath.  So soon? I thought.  The door crept inward as someone on the other side pushed.  A tall figure stood silhouetted against the light from the kitchen.  I began to cry loudly.  Begging and pleading.  The figure deliberately took the steps slow.  Almost as though he was counting them. Every second a minute.  Every minute an eternity.  He stopped at the base of the steps and sensing me shift against the wall said "You know... I didn't think you were capable... But you did it.  Good job."  I sobbed harder than ever.  A thud next to me almost caused me to faint as my skeleton nearly left my flesh behind.  As he turned to leave he called out "I hope it was worth it..."  I looked to my side and reached out for the object.  Finally...  I laughed a little.  Feeling slightly unhinged I laughed a little louder.  I fell into a fit of hysterics.  Cupping the cool object to my chest.  I knew it was worth it.  I looked at the wrapper one more time to ensure insanity hadn't finally overtaken me.  Klondike Bar.  I mean... What would you do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8e65v/long_but_worth_the_read_wrote_it_myself/
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Waiter

Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A: "Is *anything* all right?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8e5dh/waiter/
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What does a burrito say when it finishes doing something?

That’s a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8e4ro/what_does_a_burrito_say_when_it_finishes_doing/
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I totaled my swedish car today...

But you don't want to hear my Saab story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8e1so/i_totaled_my_swedish_car_today/
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How many officers does it take to change a lightblub?

They can't change it, they just beat it for being dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8e16t/how_many_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What did The Buddha say when they tried to evict him?

“Namaste.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8dyco/what_did_the_buddha_say_when_they_tried_to_evict/
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Gay men would make great Amazon Delivery guys...

They know how to handle large packages & have no problems delivering loads in the rear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8dxfy/gay_men_would_make_great_amazon_delivery_guys/
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What The Difference Between a Feminist And A Knife

The knife has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8drge/what_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_knife/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, but it’s not 3 because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8dqz7/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How much pussy do priests get?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8dqec/how_much_pussy_do_priests_get/
%
A man is going to buy flowers for his wife on Valentine's Day

There is one other man with him who he starts talking to. "It's so dumb you have to spend so much money on something that is just going to die" the other man said. "Yeah, and it's a real shame you have to buy them flowers" he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8dn7o/a_man_is_going_to_buy_flowers_for_his_wife_on/
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A broken clock is right two...

more times a day than I am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8dj8q/a_broken_clock_is_right_two/
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Did you hear about that photographer that got locked in his dark room?

By the time they found the body he'd died of exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8dho2/did_you_hear_about_that_photographer_that_got/
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By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

I know, I'm not very original.  This is a re-post.  But it's apparently a good one since it's always at the top of the list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8dfjj/by_popular_demand_we_now_have_a_discord_server/
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My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterday when she said she was going for a team building meeting, I followed her on my motorbike after two blocks a guy stopped his car hugged her and opened his car door for her. I was watching all that from a distance so they wouldn't see me. When they finally drove off I tried to start my bike to follow them but it couldn't start. What could the problem be guys? The clutch ? Engine? Petrol? Plug? I'm so worried about my bike.
*^(Got banned from)* r/relationship_advice *^(for this so thought I might as well post it here lmao)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8dcl1/my_girlfriend_was_being_very_suspicious_so_i/
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I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.

Turns out I had phoned Dial-a-Llama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8dbhq/i_tried_to_phone_the_spiritual_leader_of_tibet/
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I was in Sainsburys earlier today

And a dear old lady at the front of the checkout queue had just had her trolley full of Xmas shopping scanned. The bill came to £61.17. She emptied all her notes & coins onto the counter & with the help of the checkout girl began counting it all up. It came to £59.85. She then started sobbing & apologising to everybody for being a nuisance. It really upset me to see how distressed she was. I stepped forward to help and although she kept trying to push me away, I insisted. In no time at all I'd put all her shopping back on the shelves. It doesn't take much to help others in trouble. Merry Xmas to one & all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8daqk/i_was_in_sainsburys_earlier_today/
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I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8dan3/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_and_500/
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My grade school teacher would often touch me in inappropriate places.

Places like the kitchen and the living room. I hated being homeschooled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8d1ft/my_grade_school_teacher_would_often_touch_me_in/
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I asked the Deacon's wife, “would you have sex with me for one million dollars? “

Hmmm . . .a  million dollars is a lot of money. I could do a lot of good with that. Would it just be the one time? Yeah I guess I would for a million dollars.
How about $20?
$20? Are you serious? What kind of woman do you think I am?
We’ve already established what kind of woman you are. Now we’re just negotiating the price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8d0es/i_asked_the_deacons_wife_would_you_have_sex_with/
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If four people having sex is called a foursome...

And if three people having sex is called a threesome, and two's a twosome - then no wonder everyone keeps calling you handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8czmh/if_four_people_having_sex_is_called_a_foursome/
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I was speaking to a group of the migrants from Central America. I asked them how they felt about a wall between Mexico and the United States.

They told me they would get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ct5n/i_was_speaking_to_a_group_of_the_migrants_from/
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I'm currently suffering from laziness

So I'm gonna try and sleep it off for the next few days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8cpyq/im_currently_suffering_from_laziness/
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The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his ego grew, so did his desire to put on a show. He staged fencing events in different environments; from sword fights in the Himalayas to duels in shark tanks, he won match after match.
One day, he decided to host a fencing match in a submarine, which would be broadcasted to millions of viewers. When the day arrived, he was confident in his ability, but his opponent was relentless. Rather than being a pushover like the previous contenders, the match consisted of back-and-forth thrusts and lunges, with both participants straining to concentrate under the din of clashing metal. Eventually, both participants reached a tie of 14 points, meaning whoever received the next point would be the winner. The French fencer went for a feint, but his opponent was not fooled. It was quickly parried and his opponent sent a blinding return thrust into his sensor, earning the last point.
The French fencer was devastated. After so many years of training and so many years of being undefeated, his reign was over.
He turned to confide in the captain of the ship. What could’ve been the reason? Was it the pressure from so many viewers? Or was the water pressure from being deep-sea throwing off his game?
The captain looked at him and replied, “don’t stress about it son. Ripostes are pretty common in this sub.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8cpeo/the_french_fencer/
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What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marx-man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8cou8/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
Did you hear about the guy who finished a game of golf with a single stroke?

His heart stopped and he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8cmkg/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_finished_a_game_of/
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What do you call a Catholic Priest that's trying to quit smoking?

A serial vapist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8cll0/what_do_you_call_a_catholic_priest_thats_trying/
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Ornithology

This joke was told to me by an older man that is a retired engineer.
>Back in the 60's when I was in engineering school, I needed an easy filler class. I was already loaded down with calculus, physics, and engineering classes, so when I saw Ornithology, I decided to sign up. It only met 1 hour per week! The teacher was an old woman with gray hair and a nasally voice, who never took role or even remembered our names. Each class period we would go on a hike around the campus and she would point various bird species out to us. She never even gave any tests! When finals time came around, she hung various pictures of birds around the room and  asked us to identify them. There was a catch though: the only parts of the birds we could see were their feet. Now me being a good student I had studied for the test, but not the bird's feet. I walked up to the teacher and told her that I wasn't even going to take the test. She argued with me but I convinced her. She asked for my name so she could mark my grade as 0, and to this I removed my shoes and socks, placed a foot on her desk and said, "You tell me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8cjmu/ornithology/
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All flight have been suspended for a second time this evening,

come one now, this is starting to drone on and on .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8cj4g/all_flight_have_been_suspended_for_a_second_time/
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Sadie and Myrtle are chatting over coffee.

Sadie: Oy, I have a sore throat.
Myrtle: Whenever I get a sore throat, I suck on a lifesaver.
Sadie: Easy for you, you live near the beach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ci6b/sadie_and_myrtle_are_chatting_over_coffee/
%
What's worse than three babies in one trashcan?

One baby in three trashcans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8chey/whats_worse_than_three_babies_in_one_trashcan/
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What was the first thing to go through the flys mind after it hit the windshield

Its ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8cevj/what_was_the_first_thing_to_go_through_the_flys/
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A Jewish Grandmother was at the beach...

A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet. Suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He is swept away! She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, Okay!"
A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The voice booms again, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8caie/a_jewish_grandmother_was_at_the_beach/
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The one thing I have learned from Reddit is that there is....

No way in hell my daughter is getting a full length mirror in her bedroom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8c9eq/the_one_thing_i_have_learned_from_reddit_is_that/
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My trans am stopped running this morning..

anyone know where I can get a quart of gender fluid?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8c16e/my_trans_am_stopped_running_this_morning/
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There once was a prisoner drinking vodka out of a coffee cup.

That was his mugshot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8bw1u/there_once_was_a_prisoner_drinking_vodka_out_of_a/
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A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a bag. The daughter replied...

“Thanks for the Baghdad.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8btpx/a_father_in_iraq_gifted_his_daughter_a_bag_the/
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I've put all my money in see-saw stocks.

To be honest they've had their ups and downs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8brbw/ive_put_all_my_money_in_seesaw_stocks/
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Me: People treat me like a god

Guy: Really?
Me: Yeah, they only acknowledge me when they want something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8bqio/me_people_treat_me_like_a_god/
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What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favourite Disney movie?

It’s fucking Frozen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8bnvi/whats_gordon_ramsays_favourite_disney_movie/
%
A man goes to a pet store. He asks how much a parrot goes for.

Shop clerk: $500
Customer: Isn't that slightly expensive?
Shop clerk: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point.
Customer: Woah, what about the red one?
Shop clerk:  $1000, as she knows Word, Excel, Power Point and can code.
Customer: How nice, and what's the price of that one asleep over there?
Shop clerk: He's gonna cost you $2000.
Customer: And what does he know?
Shop clerk: That I don't know, I haven't seen him do anything, but the other two parrots call him boss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8bjv3/a_man_goes_to_a_pet_store_he_asks_how_much_a/
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Medieval cures...

Were leeches on society

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8bjip/medieval_cures/
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What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8becl/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_chess_players/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8bd15/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... “Donald , duck!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8b8xh/the_president_is_walking_out_of_the_white_house/
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What do you do with a drummer that can't keep a beat?

Take away one stick and make him a conductor.
What do you do if he still can't keep a beat?
Take away his last stick and make him a choir director.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8b4o0/what_do_you_do_with_a_drummer_that_cant_keep_a/
%
A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind! I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8b2wf/a_local_barber_in_my_area_just_got_arrested_for/
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I got my drug dealer arrested today.

Maybe next time remember to wish me Happy Birthday, mom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8b13e/i_got_my_drug_dealer_arrested_today/
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The golf lesson

A woman is getting a golf lesson from a pro. Despite every way he tries to explain it to her, she just can’t get her grip right, and slices the ball again and again. Finally, the exasperated pro say “Look - just pretend the golf club is your husband’s penis”. The woman steps up to the tee and hits a beautiful shot 250 yards straight down the fairway. The stunned pro says “Wow!  Ok, now take the club out of your mouth and try again”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8b0oe/the_golf_lesson/
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How many opticians does it take to change a light bulb?

Is it one or two? One... or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8axqi/how_many_opticians_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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People call me Mr Compromise

It wasn't my first choice of nickname.. but I can live with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ax78/people_call_me_mr_compromise/
%
So this man comes into a bar..

Wait, or was it a horse... ok so this man comes into a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8auc1/so_this_man_comes_into_a_bar/
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My wife said to me that if i got another stupid gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So,  i bought her a candle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8au3g/my_wife_said_to_me_that_if_i_got_another_stupid/
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What did Zelda say to Link when he had trouble opening the jar?

Triforce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8at1e/what_did_zelda_say_to_link_when_he_had_trouble/
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A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ascg/a_blonde_guy_gets_home_early_from_work_and_hears/
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What do you call an expired invisibility cream?

Disap-ointment.
(OC)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8ar31/what_do_you_call_an_expired_invisibility_cream/
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I was a surgeon with bad punctuation

I got fired for leaving out a colon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8anhl/i_was_a_surgeon_with_bad_punctuation/
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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Saying so, he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her in every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8amkl/joe_wanted_to_buy_a_motorbike/
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Why did the Aztec owl not know what the other two owls were saying to each other?

They were Inca hoots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8al6f/why_did_the_aztec_owl_not_know_what_the_other_two/
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A cop arrested a European robot, but eventually let it go.

He couldn't charge it with anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8a8i3/a_cop_arrested_a_european_robot_but_eventually/
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I'm flying to India to try their famous sandwiches.

Everyone keeps raving about their new deli...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8a7yu/im_flying_to_india_to_try_their_famous_sandwiches/
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Two Irish guys are looking at the want ads for jobs

They see an ad for tree fellers wanted.
One turns to the other and says
"Damn if there were only one more of us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8a31w/two_irish_guys_are_looking_at_the_want_ads_for/
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Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8a1k8/got_a_new_job_at_gatwick_airport_i_patrol_the/
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Anna asks her son John:

"John, would you say I'm pretty or ugly?"
"A bit of both, actually." replies the teenager.
"What do you mean by that?" asks the puzzled Anna.
"I'd say you're pretty ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a89z6m/anna_asks_her_son_john/
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What's the difference between snowman and snowwoman?

Snowballs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a89y3p/whats_the_difference_between_snowman_and_snowwoman/
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My school seems to respect me alot

My report is filled with Fs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a89xqt/my_school_seems_to_respect_me_alot/
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There’s only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice

And that’s Chris Brown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a89xfj/theres_only_one_thing_that_beats_a_beautiful_girl/
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A couple of years ago

When I was 8, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so last year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.
Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a89vi2/a_couple_of_years_ago/
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A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a89v9m/a_warning_to_all_you_drivers_be_careful_about/
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Genie: You have 3 wishes

"I wish you were terrible at Maths"
Genie: Okay, now you have 14 left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a89uap/genie_you_have_3_wishes/
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Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

And he goes to one place, but he doesn't realise that it hasn't changed since the days when segregation was acceptable, and doesn't allow black people to be members. So he goes up to the reception and says, "Hi, I'd like to join this golf club."
"I'm sorry, sir", says the receptionist, "but I'm afraid we don't allow black people to join. There's another club fifteen minutes down the road, I'm sure they'll accept you there."
"But I'm Usain Bolt!", he protests.
"Alright then, five minutes down the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a89pnb/usain_bolt_goes_to_join_a_golf_club/
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2 call girls are discussing Christmas

"So what are you going to ask Santa Clause?"
"Oh, I think my normal price!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a89gtt/2_call_girls_are_discussing_christmas/
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A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided to visit the local pet shop.

The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
could conduct a civilized conversation.  This seemed to be an excellent
idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'"  Silence from the bird.  "Come on now, say
'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
in the refrigerator."  Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
"Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it!  Ten minutes
in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving.  Startled, he squawks, "My God,
you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a89fc3/a_retired_schoolteacher_finally_decided_that_she/
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Josh Brolin is due to get a sex change operation before the release of the next Avengers film.

Apparently she is going to go by Trannos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a89dpw/josh_brolin_is_due_to_get_a_sex_change_operation/
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I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a89cya/i_am_getting_so_sick_of_millennials_and_their/
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‘I was at that neo-nazi march today’ “was it any good?”

‘It was alt-right’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a896dp/i_was_at_that_neonazi_march_today_was_it_any_good/
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Trump is a closet communist, and I have proof.

When he says he likes to grab them by the pussy, he's really saying he wants to seize the means of reproduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a893ne/trump_is_a_closet_communist_and_i_have_proof/
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A teacher has a class full of rednecks.

She asks someone to use the word 'Timbuktu' in a story.
A scrawny kid in the back raises his hand and recites proudly:
Tim and me, a hikin' we went,
Till we found three whores in a pitch-up tent.
They were three and we were two;
So I buck one and Tim buck two!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a892t4/a_teacher_has_a_class_full_of_rednecks/
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Why do some men call breasts headlights?

Because when they see them they brighten up their day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a891uv/why_do_some_men_call_breasts_headlights/
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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a88yb7/what_gets_longer_if_pulled_fits_snugly_between/
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A genie once asked me

So, do you want a bigger penis or a better memory?
What did I say? Well, I can’t remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a88uzw/a_genie_once_asked_me/
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A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and proudly says to him, "I want to be President one day!" Trump lashes out, "Are you stupid!? Are you an idiot!? Out of your mind!? Are you retarded!?"

The kid frowns and relents, "You know what, I've changed my mind. There are way too many requirements."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a88osp/a_mexican_kid_meets_donald_trump_and_proudly_says/
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You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen

Girl: "Yeah right, you just want to fuck.."
Boy: "Wow, and you're smart as well ! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a88mwx/you_are_the_most_beautiful_girl_i_have_ever_seen/
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Mike and Andy were walking through a field... (NSFW)

...when they came across a goat with its head stuck in a fence.  Naturally, Mike took advantage of the situation and started fucking the goat from behind.  Andy saw what was going on, and said "Jesus, that looks like fun!"
So he bent over and stuck his head in the fence, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a88mjf/mike_and_andy_were_walking_through_a_field_nsfw/
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Smithers' Story

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office.  His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three
expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a88m7n/smithers_story/
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When people speak to God it's called praying...

And when God speaks to you it's called schizophrenia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a88k9g/when_people_speak_to_god_its_called_praying/
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A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a88k5s/a_man_is_in_court_the_judges_sayson_the_3rd/
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Flight Attendant: Please don't forget to activate 'airplane mode'

Me: Running around with my arms spread making airplane noises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a88jhd/flight_attendant_please_dont_forget_to_activate/
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Johnny loves Tractors..

There was once this guy that loved tractors, his name was Johnny. He was 30 years old and still lived at home with his mother. Johnny really was all about tractors.. in his room he had tractor posters, tractor toys, his bedsheets had tractors on them as did his curtains. You get the idea, Johnny really really loves tractors.
Anyway, one day his mother comes in and asks him to go down to the bar tonight and find himself a girlfriend. Johnny says " I don't want to, there's no tractors there." So his mother says she'll give him 50 bucks if he goes, so he agrees!
Off he goes then down to the bar and meets a lovely woman, he asks her "Do you like tractors??" To which she replies " No I don't like tractors don't be so stupid". Now, Johnny is furious! Storms home, and when his mother asks him the next day how he did he says "It was terrible, she didn't like tractors!". So his mother says "Okay Johnny this time go down and don't say anything about tractors, I'll even give you another 50 bucks." He wasn't sure at first, but then agrees to go down again tonight.
So there he is talking to a woman he seems to be getting on well with, and she tells him she's a taxi driver! So Johnny asks "Do you drive tractors??" And she says "No why would I drive tractors don't be ridiculous, tractors are stupid."
Now, this didn't go down well with Johnny at all! He storms out the door and goes straight home into his room, tears all the tractor posters off the wall, burns all the toys and DVDs about tractors, destroys anything to do with tractors! The next morning his mother asks how he got on, Johnny says "Terrible! I hate tractors now, I never want anything to do with tractors ever again. I absolutely hate them!" So his mother says " Why don't you go down to the bar again tonight, I'll give you another 50 bucks and this time you'll have no problems because you don't like tractors anymore so you won't talk about them!" Johnny sees no reason not to so he agrees.
He walks into the bar that night, and after a few beers heads for the smoking room. In the smoking area he sees this beautiful woman! He thinks to himself "my god that's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!". But the woman can't breathe, she's coughing on all the smoke in the smoking room, it's burning her eyes and she's miserable. So Johnny walks up beside her, takes one huge deep breathe and breathes in all the smoke in the whole smoking area, suddenly everyone is looking at him in amazement. The woman stares at him and asks "How did you do that!?", To which he replies..
"ah, I'm an ex-tractor fan".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a88imw/johnny_loves_tractors/
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Why are short people so cool?

Because they are down to earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a88h89/why_are_short_people_so_cool/
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I will never forget my dad's last words...

"STOP SHAKING THE LADDER GODDAMNIT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a885qq/i_will_never_forget_my_dads_last_words/
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i accidentally drove on a hipsters feet...

...now he is a hopster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a87yv4/i_accidentally_drove_on_a_hipsters_feet/
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A Mexican magician performs a vanishing act.

He tells his audience "On the count of three, I will disappear! Uno! Dos...!"
Poof!
When the smoke cleared, he had disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a87x4w/a_mexican_magician_performs_a_vanishing_act/
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My gloves were stolen yesterday..

They fell into the wrong hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a87vtp/my_gloves_were_stolen_yesterday/
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Tourist: "Guru, what's the secret of happiness?"

Guru: "Don't argue with stupid people."
Tourist: "That's nonsense."
Guru: "You are right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a87vfo/tourist_guru_whats_the_secret_of_happiness/
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What does the Starship Enterprise and a piece of toilet paper have in common?

It circles Uranus in search of Klingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a87rl1/what_does_the_starship_enterprise_and_a_piece_of/
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Joke from my daughter

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why?
Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me: ??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a87qzz/joke_from_my_daughter/
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What is true in both Minecraft and real life.

Never waste diamonds on a hoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a87ogl/what_is_true_in_both_minecraft_and_real_life/
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I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.

But none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a87nmq/i_know_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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You ever realize..

That the only thing keeping therapists from being 'the rapists' is some space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a87mp8/you_ever_realize/
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A construction worker on the 5th floor needed a hand saw...

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his dick and starts jerking it furiously. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the hell is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”. The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m cumming!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a87mnb/a_construction_worker_on_the_5th_floor_needed_a/
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Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”

The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a87m1u/two_old_men_are_sitting_on_the_deck_of_a_cruise/
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What do wolves do before travelling?

They pack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a87liq/what_do_wolves_do_before_travelling/
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The last nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.  He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.  Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.  The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.  At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic.  Are you a doctor? "
No, the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a874rd/the_last_nickel/
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John liked to get very drunk at his local bar

He had a reputation of being making loud, obnoxious, claims to the whole bar. The bartender was an old friend of John, and basically let anything go that he wanted to do, knowing he brought in most of his business just by being there because John had quite the following at the bar, with people egging him, pressuring him to do the things he said.
One night, all of John's cronies were there, waiting for him to start ranting. Not long after he started drinking, he stood up and yelled, "I bet I could down this entire bottle of whiskey!", grabbing one from off the counter.
One of his cronies stood up and shouted, "Yeah! Yeah! You got this!" while everyone else cheered. John grinned and downed the whole bottle in 10 seconds before smashing the bottle over his head. Everyone started cheering and yelling.
Some time passed, and John became more drunk and even more animated. He looked around and saw that a very large man had entered the bar and was ordering at the other side of the counter. Johns eyes lit up and he yelled, "I could beat the shit out of that dude!" The guy appeared not to notice, but one of his cronies called out, "Yeah! Yeah! Kick his ass!". So John stood up and walked over to the guy. When he still didn't look up, John picked up a chair, and smashed the guy over the head with it. The man fell to the ground unconscious but John's band loved it, and cheered him on.
Even later on in the night, John was even more wild. He jumped up on the counter, grabbed a shard of glass from the whiskey bottle he had smashed and screamed, I'm gonna castrate myself, right here!!" Again, one of his cronies piped up and yelled, "Yeah! Yeah! You won't, no balls!"
I made this up so sorry if it flows kinda bad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a872j5/john_liked_to_get_very_drunk_at_his_local_bar/
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What's the difference between between Iron man and Iron women?

One's a super hero, the other is a simple command

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a871gr/whats_the_difference_between_between_iron_man_and/
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Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:
Mexican contractor: 3 million
Italian Contractor: 7 million
Israeli Contractor: 10 million
After a while Trump asked the
Mexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.
The Mexican said:-One million in paint, one million in labor and one million profit.
He asked the Italian why he was asking 7 million.
Italian replied:-3 million in high quality painting, 2 million in specialized workforce and 2 million gain.
He asked the Israeli why he was asking 10 million.
The Israeli responded: Don Trump my friend - 4 million for you, 3 million for me,
And with the 3 million leftovers we pay the Mexican to paint!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a870ov/donald_trump_wanted_to_repaint_the_white_house/
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What's the best place on Middle-Earth to get a new door?

MoreDoor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a86yey/whats_the_best_place_on_middleearth_to_get_a_new/
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A guy asked his buddy "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?" and his buddy replied...

"I don't know and I don't care."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a86xos/a_guy_asked_his_buddy_whats_the_difference/
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Why do teenage girls hang out in odd number groups

Because they can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a86vc4/why_do_teenage_girls_hang_out_in_odd_number_groups/
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What's Blue and Not Heavy?

Light Blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a86rsr/whats_blue_and_not_heavy/
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Studies show that fertility is hereditary.

If your parents didn't have children, chances are, you won't either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a86qtb/studies_show_that_fertility_is_hereditary/
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To all my friends this holiday season, if you're going to be drinking, please don't drive.

The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus, but I did a pretty good job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a86o1y/to_all_my_friends_this_holiday_season_if_youre/
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What’s similar between Buddhism and Reddit?

Both have a goal of collecting the most karma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a86l71/whats_similar_between_buddhism_and_reddit/
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An American soldier

is fighting in Germany in World War II. The battle is so intense, men are dropping everywhere. Finally, the Americans run out of ammunition. In a panic, a soldier approaches his Sergeant. "Sarge, we're out of ammo! What are we going to do?" The Sergeant looks around, and all he can find is a broom. He picks it up, hands it to the soldier and says, "This is your rifle. Hold it up, point it at the enemy and say 'bangitty bangitty bang!" The soldier says, "But what about a bayonet?" The sergeant looks around some more, and all he can find is a piece of string. He ties the string onto the end of the broom, and says, "That's your bayonet. Hold it up, and go out there saying 'bangitty bangitty bang, stabitty stabitty stab.'"
The soldier takes his weapon out onto the battlefield, going "Bangitty bangitty bang! Stabitty stabitty stab! Bangitty bangitty bang! Stabitty stabitty stab!"...and Germans are falling everywhere. "Bangitty bangitty bang! Stabitty stabitty stab!" Soon, it gets all quiet, and the soldier looks around and he's the only one left on the battlefield. Except 'way off in the distance, he sees this one German soldier marching towards him. So he holds up his broom. "Bangitty bangitty bang! Stabitty stabitty stab!" but the German keeps coming. "Bangitty bangitty bang! Stabitty stabitty stab!" but nothing can stop the German.
He walks right up to the American, pushes him down, steps all over him and crushes him with his boots, breaking all his bones and smashing him to bits, and keeps going. The poor American , lying there in terrible death agony, comes to focus on the sound of the German walking away, saying "Tankitty tankitty tank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a86iha/an_american_soldier/
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What's the difference between my jokes and my dick?

Nobody laughs at my jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a86hze/whats_the_difference_between_my_jokes_and_my_dick/
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After a brief, bloodless gunfight,

Prickly Bob and his Saddlesore Gang have managed to capture Dan Hollings, Deputy of Tombstone. Prickly Bob, not wanting a murder warrant on his head, has decided to let the desert take care of his latest problem with the law.
Now, I won't lie to you. Alone and buried up to his chin in red desert sand, things have never looked worse for ole Dan. But ever the optimist, Dan lets out a single, desperate, mighty whistle. After an hour of blinding mid-morning sun, up trots Skeeter, Dan's faithful bay gelding.
"C'mere, boy. Get close, ain't got the strength but to whisper," he gasps.
The horse steps forward and looks down at Dan. Dan whispers out, as quietly as the breeze, and off like a shot gallops Skeeter.
10, 15, then 20 minutes pass and Dan's beginning to worry. Much more time and that noonday sun's fixin' to plumb croak our hero in 30 seconds flat. Dan starts to say his prayers, when along comes Skeeter, carrying a buxom young brunette.
Keep in mind Dan's not too quick to lose his temper, so he kind of gradual-like pastes a frown on his sunburnt face and beckons the horse even closer this time. Skeeter leans down until his brown snout is almost touching Dan's forehead. Dan whispers out and Skeeter again gallops off toward town.
It's a heck of a tight spot, but Dan's feeling a little comfort from the shade of a spindly saguaro off on top of some nearby bluff. Thirty minutes pass, when up comes Skeeter, carrying a gorgeous redhead and a positively stunning blonde, the likes of which Dan's never seen in his life.
Dan can't mask his rage this time, but somehow coaxes Skeeter to come even closer. The horse half-kneels and puts his right ear up against the Deputy's cracked lips. Angrily, Dan gathers his strength and whispers with all his breath: "No, Skeeter! P...O...S...S...E! Bring me a POSSE, you dang fool horse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a86hn5/after_a_brief_bloodless_gunfight/
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Elephant encounter

A man visits his doctor because his asshole is the diameter of a basketball.  He tells the doctor he was raped by an elephant.
The doctor tells the man he's not familiar with the anatomy of elephants but he's pretty sure that they have long, thin penises.
The man tells his doctor that he's right, but the elephant fingered him first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a86gre/elephant_encounter/
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Boobs are great, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a86fba/boobs_are_great_but_nothing_beats_a_pretty_face/
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Why did Ruldolph have to go to the principal's office? (Nsfw)

Because he went down in History.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a86ey7/why_did_ruldolph_have_to_go_to_the_principals/
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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out.
She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a86alm/a_woman_joins_a_country_club_and_when_she_hears/
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When nobody comments on your AskOuija post

You do it \_\_\_\_\_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a869yf/when_nobody_comments_on_your_askouija_post/
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Well, well, well...

That's three holes in the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8665s/well_well_well/
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Why don’t girls wear skirts in the winter time?

Chapped lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a864rv/why_dont_girls_wear_skirts_in_the_winter_time/
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A priest and a nun

A priest had volunteered to drive a nun back to her house after mass. At the traffic signal, he slowly placed his right hand on her knee.
“Father, remember Luke 14:10” she said.
“I apologise! I don’t know what’s gotten into me” the priest replied, feeling quite embarassed. He continued driving.
After a short amount of time, they had reached another traffic signal. The priest placed his hand on the nun’s thigh, gently stroking it.
“Father, remember Luke 14:10” she repeated.
“I’m sorry, the flesh is weak” the priest replied and continued driving. He dropped her to the front of her house and as the nurse stepped out, she reiterated her message:
“Father, remember Luke 14:10”.
The priest apologised again and drove off. As soon as he got home, he opened the bible to Luke 14:10:
“Friend, move up higher”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a864qr/a_priest_and_a_nun/
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I thought I finally found a girl who wouldn't play hard to get.

Then my roommate filled my blow-up doll with helium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a861ff/i_thought_i_finally_found_a_girl_who_wouldnt_play/
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Mickey Mouse goes to a law firm.

Lawyer: "I don't understand sir, you want to file for divorce because your wife is silly?"
Mickey: "No, I said she's fucking Goofy!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8615x/mickey_mouse_goes_to_a_law_firm/
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Whats the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

A microwave doesn't brown your meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8605v/whats_the_difference_between_anal_sex_and_a/
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How would you know who is a billionaire in a black tie event?

Look for the dude wearing a T-shirt,  jeans and sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a85v6p/how_would_you_know_who_is_a_billionaire_in_a/
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What do you call someone with a massive dick.

People who sort by new.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a85ssx/what_do_you_call_someone_with_a_massive_dick/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a85sin/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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Where does a mansplainer get his water?

A well, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a85m76/where_does_a_mansplainer_get_his_water/
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My girlfriend got so kinky it caught me completely off guard

On several separate occasions she dressed as a teacher, a doctor, a police officer, and as a prison guard. But it didn't prepare me for what came yesterday.
Because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a85j8b/my_girlfriend_got_so_kinky_it_caught_me/
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A sailor met a pirate, and they started talking about their adventures at sea.

The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. He asked, “so, how did you end up with the peg leg?”
The pirate replied, “we were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the sailor. “How did you get that hook?”
“Well,” replied the pirate, “we boarded an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut off my hand.”
“Incredible!” remarked the sailor. “How did you get the eye patch?”
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked in surprise.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a85i4w/a_sailor_met_a_pirate_and_they_started_talking/
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My neighbors listen to awesome music

Whether they like it or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a85eky/my_neighbors_listen_to_awesome_music/
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The man who invented spell check died today.

May he rust in piss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a85dbk/the_man_who_invented_spell_check_died_today/
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Why was Joey late for math class?

He took the rhombus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a85d7j/why_was_joey_late_for_math_class/
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There’s this guy who has swearing parrot.

When the guy, John, comes home every day, the parrot greets him with a “screw you!”
One day, the guy decides he’s had enough. He tells the parrot “every time you swear, I’m going to put you in the freezer”. The parrot thinks this is an empty threat, until one day the guy sticks the parrot in the freezer for ten seconds. The parrot comes out all cold, and stops swearing.
Then the guy brings his girlfriend over. It’s been about a month since the parrot has stopped swearing, so John feels pretty confident. When his girlfriend walks in though, the parrot screams “ugly b***h”! She storms off, and John puts that parrot in the freezer for a minute. Colder than last time, the swearing stops.
This same goes on with anybody that comes over. Eventually, Johns boss decided to drop in for dinner. He walks in the door, and the parrot tells him to go to hell. The next day, as a result of this, John gets fired. He’s extremely mad, and it’s that damn parrots fault. He goes home, puts the parrot in the freezer, watches some movie and after a few hours takes the parrot out. Shivering, the parrot tells John that hell stop swearing. And he was not lying either.
The parrot says “I’m done swearing, for real, but I just have one question for you. What did the chicken in the freezer say?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a85c47/theres_this_guy_who_has_swearing_parrot/
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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out traveling together, after a long trek, they pitch a tent and call it a night...

In the middle of the night, Sherlock nudges Watson and tells him to "look up" "tell me what you see".
*"Well..."* says Watson, *"I see the beautiful moon and the night stars all dazzling and magnificent..."*
*"I see"* says Sherlock *"Look closer"* he insists.
*"I see the infinite universe up above, ever expanding, and we are but a spec in all of its glory"* replies Watson feeling quite full of his reply.
*"Very Interesting"* says Sherlock, *"because if you bothered to looked even closer, you'd realize our tent HAS BEEN STOLEN YOU TWAT!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a85bgp/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_are_out_traveling/
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Kudos to that guy who was able to poach deer

I can't even poach an egg decently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8556t/kudos_to_that_guy_who_was_able_to_poach_deer/
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Yea, I got this vest from my deceased grandpa

It was hard to get it though, the priest wouldn't let me open his cascet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a854kp/yea_i_got_this_vest_from_my_deceased_grandpa/
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I wanted to post a joke about sodium

but I was like Na , people won’t understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a84tfr/i_wanted_to_post_a_joke_about_sodium/
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I found a place where they do better recycling than the actual recycling station.

r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a84r02/i_found_a_place_where_they_do_better_recycling/
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I got the words, “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused...

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a84o8e/i_got_the_words_jacuzzi_and_yakuza_confused/
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They say that when a woman’s undergarments match, she was planning on having sex...

The same goes for men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a84nho/they_say_that_when_a_womans_undergarments_match/
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All gay guys seem to have the same reaction when they see my penis

They can't keep a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a84mgs/all_gay_guys_seem_to_have_the_same_reaction_when/
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Builder meets a logical scientist

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wanker then!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a84k6o/builder_meets_a_logical_scientist/
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I know plenty of jokes about the unemployed

But, none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a84ilz/i_know_plenty_of_jokes_about_the_unemployed/
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A boy and girl are sitting in religious studies class

The teacher asks the girl, "Who is the all knowing and all powerful?" The boy sees that the girl has fallen a sleep and pokes her in the back. The girl shouts "God Almighty!" The teacher says "Very good" and the girl falls back asleep. Later in the class, the teacher asks the girl who their saviour is. The boy pokes the girl again and she exclaims "Jesus Christ!" and falls back asleep. The teacher then asks the girl "What did Eve say to Adam after having their fifth child?" The boy pokes the girl again and she turns around and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a84gaz/a_boy_and_girl_are_sitting_in_religious_studies/
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You know, a lightning bolt can make all the difference.

One and you're a wizard, but two makes you a racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a84ga3/you_know_a_lightning_bolt_can_make_all_the/
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Dads are like boomerangs...

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a84fg7/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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I try not to tell dad jokes anymore

He’s been dead for a good 5 hours now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a84ehz/i_try_not_to_tell_dad_jokes_anymore/
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A sailor walks into a bar and strikes up a conversation with another man...

The guy asks him: “So how many of the 7 seas have you sailed?”
The pirate responds “7!! There aren’t 7 seas lad, there are 26 and I’ve sailed 25”
“Oh really which seas have you sailed?”
“Well I’ve sailed
the A Sea,
the B Sea,
the C Sea,
the D Sea,
the E Sea,
the F Sea,
the G Sea,
the H Sea,
the I Sea,
the J Sea,
the K Sea,
the L Sea,
the M Sea,
the N Sea,
the P Sea,
the Q Sea,
the R Sea,
the S Sea,
the T Sea,
the U Sea,
the V Sea,
the W Sea,
the X Sea,
the Y Sea and
the Z Sea!!”
The man replies “well what about the O sea?”
The sailor says “Oh no, I’m from r/jokes , we never go anywhere near the O Sea!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a84aod/a_sailor_walks_into_a_bar_and_strikes_up_a/
%
A wimpy kid wears a Santa hat to school.

All the girls are giggling and talking to him, he's in heaven!
Then the school bully, jealous of the attention, snatches the hat and says , " You don't care if I wear this, do you?"
The kid says " Do you have head lice?"
"No!" says the bully.
" Well you do now! Merry Christmas!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a842jj/a_wimpy_kid_wears_a_santa_hat_to_school/
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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a841wq/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
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Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend

Inside of a dog, its too dark to read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a841tp/outside_of_a_dog_books_are_a_mans_best_friend/
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I always wanted to see my name in shining lights.

So I changed my name to Exit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a83yav/i_always_wanted_to_see_my_name_in_shining_lights/
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A blond is tired of being made fun of for being blond

So many jokes about blonds had given her a bad reputation. So she decides to change her hair color to hide it.
Every day on her way to work she would run into a shepherd with lots of sheep. She decides today to stop and talk to the shepherd.
She said to him “ If i can guess how many sheep you have, can I keep one?” To which the shepherd confidently replies, “Sure, that sounds fair”
Eager to prove herself she thinks up a number and says “324.” Astonished the shepherd says “Wow that’s right! Go ahead and pick your sheep.”
The disguised blond looks over the heard and after some time she picks, what is to her the cutest one in the bunch. The shepherd looks over to her and says “ Excuse me miss. I have a proposition for you. To make things fair” “Sure “ she replies.
He then says “If i can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a83xdi/a_blond_is_tired_of_being_made_fun_of_for_being/
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Cashier: you're 8 cents short

Me: it's only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a83uye/cashier_youre_8_cents_short/
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What kind of apple grows on trees?

All of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a83uju/what_kind_of_apple_grows_on_trees/
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My wife told me I need to say "yes" more often

Something about missing out on life's opportunities, and I couldn't disagree.
So when my ex popped up after my wife went on a business trip and asked if I wanted to have a good time, that's what I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a83uda/my_wife_told_me_i_need_to_say_yes_more_often/
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Tumblr is using a special program just to remove any images of anal sex

It's a debugger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a83qln/tumblr_is_using_a_special_program_just_to_remove/
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What do a lifeguard and a sub moderator have in common?

Most of them are 16 and mad with power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a83pol/what_do_a_lifeguard_and_a_sub_moderator_have_in/
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Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a83opn/children_who_are_unvaccinated_are_less_likely_to/
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When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president...

I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a83lza/when_president_trump_said_he_would_deliver_more/
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To the Jamaican guy that got my girlfriend pregnant...

Thanks for nuttin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a83l13/to_the_jamaican_guy_that_got_my_girlfriend/
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A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.
"No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker", says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a839au/a_priest_hooks_a_huge_fish/
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I heard that boron, ruthenium and hydrogen got into a fight recently

and I was like ‘BRuH’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a837e1/i_heard_that_boron_ruthenium_and_hydrogen_got/
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What do naughty kids and surge protectors have in common?

You'd be shocked if they weren't grounded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a82zs4/what_do_naughty_kids_and_surge_protectors_have_in/
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Where does the general keep his armies?

Up his sleevies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a82x51/where_does_the_general_keep_his_armies/
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My kids wanted a cat for Christmas.

I was going to cook a turkey, but hey, whatever makes them happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a82rh4/my_kids_wanted_a_cat_for_christmas/
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A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s

Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.
"That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike.
"I bet I can do something you can't" he says.
"Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots.
"Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says
"We didn't see anything, you liar"
"You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a82qph/a_c130_is_being_escorted_by_two_f16s/
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A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a82nql/a_drunk_guy_is_showing_friends_his_new_apartment/
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Interviewer: How do you see yourself in 2 years?

Me: I don't know; I'm afraid I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a82nga/interviewer_how_do_you_see_yourself_in_2_years/
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Love Versus Marriage

What's the difference between love and marriage?
-Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a82neo/love_versus_marriage/
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A Spanish magician is going to dissapear. He says "Uno, dos"...

and vanishes without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a82ki1/a_spanish_magician_is_going_to_dissapear_he_says/
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leprechaun story

An avid golfer hits his ball into the woods. As he goes to look for it, he stumbles upon a leprechaun who is brewing a mysterious concoction.
“What are you making?” asks the golfer. “It smells wonderful.”
“This is a magic brew,” says the leprechaun.  “If you drink it, you golf game will improve remarkably, and you’ll never be defeated.”
“Well, then, let me have some,” says the golfer.
“As much as you like,” says the leprechaun. “But I must warn you, there is one serious side effect. It will almost certainly diminish your sexual desire.”
“I can live with that,” says the golfer, and gulps down a cup.
The brew works. Just as the leprechaun predicted, the golfer defeats all challengers and within six months he’s the undisputed local champion.
The golfer is delighted, and one day he goes back into the woods to thank his benefactor.
“It worked,” says the golfer. “It really worked! I’m the best golfer this club has ever seen.”
“Yes, but how about your sex life?” asks the leprechaun.
“Pretty good,” says the golfer. “I’ve had sex three or four times in the past six months.”
“That doesn’t sound so great to me,” says the leprechaun.
“Actually,” says the golfer “it’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a82k1l/leprechaun_story/
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Whoever invented knock knock jokes

Should get a Nobel prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a82j9j/whoever_invented_knock_knock_jokes/
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A Tribe of Cannibals

Three explorers were roaming a tropical island when a tribe of cannibals captured them and took them to their chief. The chief explained to them that they must pass a two-part test, or they will be killed and eaten.
"Part One", the chief said, "Is that you must go alone into the jungle and gather ten of any item. Begin!" The three men scurried off on their own, and eventually, the first explorer returned to the tribe carrying ten apples.
"Congrats, you completed part one" the chief said. "Now you must complete part two: Take all ten of your items and shove them up your ass without making any sound or showing any emotion or you will be killed and eaten." The explorer got the first apple in his ass, but as he was shoving the second one in he couldn't take it anymore and screamed in agony.
Since he failed the challenge, he was killed and ate.
The second explorer returned and brought the chief ten grapes. The chief explained the rules to the second explorer and he began inserting the grapes up his anus. He breezed through the challenge, sticking the first nine grapes in his ass, but as he was sticking the tenth grape in, he burst out in laughter. He also failed the challenge and was killed and ate.
The first explorer was looking on at the challenge from heaven and when the second explorer made it to him, the first explorer shouted, "DUDE! What the hell! You were so close. What on Earth could possibly have made you laugh?"
The second explorer replied, "Well, I easily could've gotten all ten in there, but I couldn't help but laugh when I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."
*(I looked for a long time on the top posts to see if this had already been posted. Sorry if it's a duplicate!)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a829st/a_tribe_of_cannibals/
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A blonde drops a dress off at the cleaners

As she's leaving the lady behind the counter says "come again"
The blonde says "no just toothpaste this time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8225h/a_blonde_drops_a_dress_off_at_the_cleaners/
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I used to be addicted to soap...

...but it's okay, I'm all clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a81ywv/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
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The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Have To Fear...

Is Sphere Itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a81yve/the_only_thing_flatearthers_have_to_fear/
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My dad never says dad jokes.

He says that I'm the biggest joke he ever made and that he'd prefer to retire on a high note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a81ype/my_dad_never_says_dad_jokes/
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How to make Easter easier in just one step:

replace the T with an I

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a81xaa/how_to_make_easter_easier_in_just_one_step/
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A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar...

He came, he saw, he conquered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a81wvd/a_sperm_donor_a_carpenter_and_julius_caesar_walk/
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Let me tell you a joke

Entry level positions asking for 3 years experience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a81v38/let_me_tell_you_a_joke/
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I have a theory that if something works optimally, it HAS to be inside a fish.

Everything that's outside a fish wouldn't work the way it should, because it's inafishn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a81rr3/i_have_a_theory_that_if_something_works_optimally/
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The Golden Bar

Three guys go out to a a bar, called The Golden Bar. They have a great time, have too much to drink but agree to meet back there the next day.
The next night, they take seats at the bar and start talking about the previous night. They start talking about the gold theme and asking the bartender if parts of their memory are right.
First guy: I remember, a beer with gold in it. But that seems, wrong...
Bartender: No, that's our golden pilsner, goldschlaeger and a light pilsner.
Second guy: Wow, okay, but you didn't actually have a golden waitress did you?
Bartender: Oh yeah, that's Janet, it's really just a lot of boddy glitter.
Third guy: Yeah, all that seems pretty obvious. But, how'd you get a golden urinal?
Bartender yells to the musicians: Hey, Joe, I think I know who pissed in your saxophone last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a81q46/the_golden_bar/
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A flat earther and a round earther were arguing

When the flat earther realized he was losing the argument he starts walking away. The round earther faces the other direction and says "I'll see you around"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a81niw/a_flat_earther_and_a_round_earther_were_arguing/
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If lightning always takes the path of least resistance,

then why don’t all lightning strikes happen in France?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a81m0q/if_lightning_always_takes_the_path_of_least/
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What do you call security guards at a Samsung store?

The Guardians of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a81lgo/what_do_you_call_security_guards_at_a_samsung/
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A man was driving through the highway with the radio cranked up

when suddenly, it started booming: "TRAFFIC ALERT: THERE APPEARS TO BE A CAR DRIVING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION IN HIGHWAY 72."
The man, scratching his head, thought to himself "One? There are hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a81hi6/a_man_was_driving_through_the_highway_with_the/
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Hear about the pigeon uprising?

They’re planning a coup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a81hbc/hear_about_the_pigeon_uprising/
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Christmas is a lot like sex

I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a81g9y/christmas_is_a_lot_like_sex/
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I asked a pilot if he likes his job.

He replied, "eh, it has its ups and downs".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8192a/i_asked_a_pilot_if_he_likes_his_job/
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile…

...and 33 muscles to frown, how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8114u/if_it_takes_13_muscles_to_smile/
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My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away

I know, it sounds a little far fetched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a810hp/my_dog_once_retrieved_a_stick_from_1_mile_away/
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If you want a job in a moisturizer factory...

...you should apply daily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a8102w/if_you_want_a_job_in_a_moisturizer_factory/
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Here are three unwritten rules of life.

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80yky/here_are_three_unwritten_rules_of_life/
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What do you call an all-u-can-eat shrimp dinner?

Overkrill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80xwq/what_do_you_call_an_allucaneat_shrimp_dinner/
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Why do gay people only eat chicken at KFC?

Because they're not allowed in Churches!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80x91/why_do_gay_people_only_eat_chicken_at_kfc/
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Why’d the skeleton not go to the dance?

He was dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80wxi/whyd_the_skeleton_not_go_to_the_dance/
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What do the KKK and Nike have in common?

They encourage black people to run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80wb3/what_do_the_kkk_and_nike_have_in_common/
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Why are dogs better than children?

With dogs all you have to do is pick up their shit, with kids you have to take it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80o90/why_are_dogs_better_than_children/
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What's your favorite drink to have during Christmas time? Mine is the Little Drummer Boy.

It's 1 part rum, 3 parts pum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80o7f/whats_your_favorite_drink_to_have_during/
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Cheap medical test

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm  sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem.  When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from  another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one  is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
**"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80mqo/cheap_medical_test/
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A bunch of nature television stars decide to have a barbecue.

Steve Irwin and Crocodile Dundee were talking. Crocodile Dundee asks, “Mate, there aren’t many people here, what’s everybody doing?” Steve Irwin says, “ Your washing plates and I’m setting the table.” Crocodile Dundee replies, “And who is that guy and what does he do?” Steve Irwin simply says, “Oh, Bear Grylls.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80m65/a_bunch_of_nature_television_stars_decide_to_have/
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How's the soccer game going?

Good! It's 3-1 now. The first goal was made by Ronaldo and the other two by someone named replay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80m5i/hows_the_soccer_game_going/
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My girlfriend likes it chilly in the bedroom.

But honestly, im not a fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80jnm/my_girlfriend_likes_it_chilly_in_the_bedroom/
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I don't know why Marvel hasn't tried to put advertisements on the Hulk

He's essentially a giant banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80j1x/i_dont_know_why_marvel_hasnt_tried_to_put/
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A fat guy, a drunk and a US Marine are lost in the wilds of the jungle

They are captured by natives who tell the men of their plans to kill them, skin them and use their flesh to make canoes. The Cheif of the tribe explains they will first be grated a single gesture or item out of compassion.
The fat guy says that he has been lost in the jungle for weeks and hasn't had a proper meal. He requests food.
The drunk explains that he has been lost in the jungle for weeks and hasn't had a drink in 4 days. He requests whiskey.
The US Marine requests a knife.
Food and whiskey are brought. The fat man finishes his meal and is killed by the natives. The drunk finishes 4/5 of the bottle and passes out; he is killed by the natives.
The Marine holds the knife. The tribesmen surround him with their speers and shields ready. The Marine begins stabbing himself in the chest and he cuts all over his arms with the knife, as he yells; 'to hell with your canoe.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80izn/a_fat_guy_a_drunk_and_a_us_marine_are_lost_in_the/
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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80gfy/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
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What's the difference between redditors on this sub and a brick?

The brick will actually get laid someday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80fd6/whats_the_difference_between_redditors_on_this/
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Did you hear about the gay man in Saudi Arabia?

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80f2s/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_man_in_saudi_arabia/
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What did the grape say after it was stood on?

FUCK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a80cwj/what_did_the_grape_say_after_it_was_stood_on/
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Lie Detector Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.  He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, “I did some homework”. The robot slaps the son.  The son says, “Ok Ok, I was at a friends house watching movies.” Dad asks, what movie did you watch?” Son says, “Toy Story”, the robot slaps the son. The son says, “Ok Ok, we were watching porn”.
The dad says, “What?! At your age I didn’t even know what porn was!” The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well he certainly is your son.” The robot slaps the shit outta mom”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a808za/lie_detector_robot/
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What do you call a jumping leper?

A leaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a807xd/what_do_you_call_a_jumping_leper/
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Two bees met in a field

. One said to the other, “The weather has been cold, wet and damp,  and there aren’t any flowers, blooming so I can’t make any honey!”
“No problem,” said the first bee, “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit!"
“Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, “How did it go?”
"Great!” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table.” "
Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.
“That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee .
“I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a800qw/two_bees_met_in_a_field/
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I was angry at my roommate for buying a new thesaurus every week

So i told her "Enough is enough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7zzmi/i_was_angry_at_my_roommate_for_buying_a_new/
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Ten years ago, hashtags were read as pound..

Puts a whole new spin on #meToo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7zz72/ten_years_ago_hashtags_were_read_as_pound/
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Two old ladies that lived in a nursing home always went out to smoke a cigarette under a shade tree once a day.

One day it was raining when the ladies went out to smoke.
One of the ladies pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette.
The first lady says, “What are you doing? What’s the condom for?”
The second lady responds, “It keeps the cigarette dry when it it’s raining.”
So the next day the first lady went to the drug store in search of some condoms. She’s standing in front of shelf full of condoms when any employee notices her.
He walks over to her wondering why such an old lady might be needing condoms and says, “Ma’am, can I help you find what your looking for? Any certain size or texture?”
The lady responds, “Doesn’t really matter, as long as it’s fits a Camel”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7zvai/two_old_ladies_that_lived_in_a_nursing_home/
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When you're out with a honey and your nose is a-runny,

Don't think it's funny 'cause it's snot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7zuwl/when_youre_out_with_a_honey_and_your_nose_is/
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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7zilb/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
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Talking dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar . He's never been out of the yard'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7zfen/talking_dog/
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Painting the porch

A blonde wanted to earn some money and decided to hire herself out as a  handyman-type. She started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to  the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any  jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde  said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint  and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her  husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the  house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.  “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I  had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached  in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7zb2r/painting_the_porch/
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Was watching the news last night when they said a cartoonist was found murdered in his own apartment.

The details are a bit sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7z71a/was_watching_the_news_last_night_when_they_said_a/
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This is why you check for kids

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh\*t again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7z6ut/this_is_why_you_check_for_kids/
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My wife said, “I’ve never seen you mop or vacuum in my life!”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7z0ci/my_wife_said_ive_never_seen_you_mop_or_vacuum_in/
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How do you know a joke is a "Dad joke"?

When it becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7yyjw/how_do_you_know_a_joke_is_a_dad_joke/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar. He sits down, orders a beer and look around when he sees a hat filled with money on the bardisk. He asks the bartender what's with the hat?
Bartender: "Well, that's a fun little game we have here. You see, I have a horse in the stables out back who just can't laugh. If you want to try then put a dollar in the hat. If you succeed you get all the money in the hat."
The man thinks about it for a while, then he puts a dollar in the hat and walks out to the stables. The bartender is listening tense when he hears the horse laughing his a\*\* off. The man calmly comes back to the bar, takes the money in the hat and sits down to finish his beer. The bartender is furious, he can't understand how he managed to pull it off. So the bartender walks up to the man.
Bartender: "Ok. You won fair and square. But double or nothing, you can't make that horse cry! It's impossible!"
The man walks back out to the stables once more and it takes just a minute before the bartender can hear the horse crying loudly. The man walks back into the bar and asks for his money. The bartender is stunned, but he gives the man his money.
Bartender: "Okay okay! You get the money but you must tell me how did you do it?!"
Man: "Well... When I wanted him to laugh I just said 'I have a bigger p\*nis than you'".
Bartender: "But how did you make him cry?!"
Man: "We measured them".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ywn0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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SMS

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ywmi/sms/
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I was staying in a hotel last night. I phoned down to reception. “Hi, this is room 26 Can I have a wake up call , please?”

She said “Yes, You’re in your mid 30s, single , live with your mother and  have achieved nothing in life !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ywdm/i_was_staying_in_a_hotel_last_night_i_phoned_down/
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Mom's Advice

Me: Damn, should have listened to mom's advice when I was young
Why, what **did** she say?
Me: I told you - *i didn't listen*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7yt0s/moms_advice/
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A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.
Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".
Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"
Professor: "I'm a professor.
Carpenter: "In what field?"
Professor: "Logic."
Carpenter: "Logic?"
Professor: "Yeah... Let me demonstrate for you. You have an aquarium at home, don't you?"
Carpenter: "Yes?"
Professor: "And since you have an aquarium it's pretty logical that you have fishes?"
Carpenter: "Yeah?"
Professor: "And if you have fishes I think it's logical that you like animals."
Carpenter: "Yes I do."
Professor: "And since you like animals it's only logical that you like humans, right?"
Carpenter: "I do, I do!"
Professor: "And when we talk about humans, it's the female kind you really like, am I right?"
Carpenter: "Of course, he he!"
Professor: "And that's logic for you. Since you had an aquarium at home it's only logic that you like females."
Carpenter: "Ooooh! Now I see."
They say farewell to each other and the carpenter meets up another friend of his.
Carpenter: "You know, I just met an old friend. He's a professor in logic!"
Friend: "Logic?"
Carpenter: "Yeah, let me demonstrate for you. Do you have an aquarium at home?"
Friend: "No?"
Carpenter: "What? Are you gay?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ys9v/a_carpenter_and_a_professor_run_into_each_other/
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Been watching basketball lately, and I gotta say I can hardly tolerate Kevin Durant.

He stinks compared to his brother, Deo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7yq12/been_watching_basketball_lately_and_i_gotta_say_i/
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I don't often tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he slaps me because I'm Asian and I should be studying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7yk8l/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
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A town holds a poetry competition every year

The participants are given a word for that year and everybody must make up a poem on the spot using that word. The competition has dwindled down to only two contestants. For the final round, the two finalists must make up a poem using the word "Timbuktu."
The first guy goes to the podium and says:
Wondering across the desert sand/
Trying to find that foreign land/
As the day gave way to the night/
Up ahead I could see a light/
Though my feet were heavy and my eyes were too/
I knew in my heart I found Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy and everyone was convinced that that was the poem that would win. Nobody could beat it. Undeterred the other man approached the podium, thought for a minute then recited the following:
Me and Tim, into the woods we went/
When we came upon three whores in a tent/
They were but many and we were but few/
So I bucked one and Timbuktu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7yg3r/a_town_holds_a_poetry_competition_every_year/
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What's all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.

My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7yece/whats_all_this_nonsense_about_nothing_flying_at/
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I can see why mary and joseph couldnt find a hotel to stay at

Usually Christmas gets places really busy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ye3x/i_can_see_why_mary_and_joseph_couldnt_find_a/
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Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.
Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.
It's called natural selection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7yc8m/some_religious_people_believe_that_serious/
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What do you call a fight between a Martian and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7yc2x/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_a_martian_and_a/
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What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ybp8/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
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Study reveals a fifth of parents regret how they named their children.

Then Study goes directly to bed because I'm raising him to be an early riser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7y8mn/study_reveals_a_fifth_of_parents_regret_how_they/
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7y2d3/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
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I saw my first pair of tits at school today

whoever said homeschooling sucks was wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7xyp6/i_saw_my_first_pair_of_tits_at_school_today/
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Here's a great deal.

Use promo code: NETFLIX to get 50% off grades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7xvoh/heres_a_great_deal/
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3 months of thorough dedication, proper diet and workout sessions but now the time has come, it is cheat day

can't wait to sleep with my girlfriend's sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7xu7j/3_months_of_thorough_dedication_proper_diet_and/
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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7xstk/an_american_soldier_serving_in_world_war_ii_had/
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How would the Nazis have killed the dinosaurs?

With meteor showers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7xskr/how_would_the_nazis_have_killed_the_dinosaurs/
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I'm a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.

Just need to find a place to bury her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7xqbx/im_a_40year_old_with_the_body_of_a_20year_old/
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So, if terrorists had kids...

Would they say “Here comes the Airplane!” and just shove the spoon around the child’s face?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7xq47/so_if_terrorists_had_kids/
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A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7xoxn/a_local_barber_in_my_area_just_got_arrested_for/
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George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump have died and face God...

God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?" Bush: "I believe in free trade, a strong America, the nation." God is impressed: "Come to my right."
&nbsp;
God turns to Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama: "I believe in democracy, in helping the poor, in world peace." God is very impressed and says, "Sit down to my left."
&nbsp;
Then he asks Trump, "What do you think?" Trump: "I think you're sitting in my chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7xilz/george_w_bush_barack_obama_and_donald_trump_have/
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A blonde goes in to a shoe store...

She spots her favourite brand Jimmy Choo's. There's a pair in a style that she likes, so she takes them to the assistant. The brunette assistant starts to box and wrap them up when the blonde says "Can I stop you there for a moment?" The assistant says "Sure, what can I help you with?"
The blonde says "You see inside one of the shoes there's a silver "L" and in the other there's a silver "R", what's that all about?" The assistant is now totally incredulous, just stares for a moment with her mouth wide open, she catches herself and says "Why madam they stand for Left and Right".
The blonde pauses to think and then smiles "Ah I now see why my panties are stamped C&A"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7xgz0/a_blonde_goes_in_to_a_shoe_store/
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Q: why cant dinosaurs clap?

A: because they are dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7xfw3/q_why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.

I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year... maybe teaching isn’t for you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7xfkl/my_son_was_thrown_out_of_school_today_for_letting/
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“Is ‘hobo’ a bad word for a first grade class?”

“Of course not, it’s a bad word for a homeless person.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7xdyp/is_hobo_a_bad_word_for_a_first_grade_class/
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If you are a man, don't visit nuclear disaster zones.

Because chernobyl fallout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7xdp4/if_you_are_a_man_dont_visit_nuclear_disaster_zones/
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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain...

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7x7vx/people_always_ask_where_i_got_my_incredibly/
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i love those black-and-white films where no one says anything.

Interracial porn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7x6cp/i_love_those_blackandwhite_films_where_no_one/
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A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover.

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7x2d3/a_woman_places_an_ad_looking_for_a_man_to_be_her/
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How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lbs 2oz?

They had a weigh in a manger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7x1yf/how_did_mary_and_joseph_know_that_jesus_was_7lbs/
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What happens when you remove 90% talent from 50 cent?

You get a Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7wy8g/what_happens_when_you_remove_90_talent_from_50/
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Advent calendar

I just got my new jehovas witness Advent calendar, everytime I open a door it says "fuck off, not today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7wu6d/advent_calendar/
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Bear, Cat and Dog had just completed a mission in an MMORPG. They wanted to perform a celebratory high five but they couldnt.

There was no way to hit pawse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7wtpa/bear_cat_and_dog_had_just_completed_a_mission_in/
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What would be a bad gift for an epileptic teenage boy?

Clap on lights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7wram/what_would_be_a_bad_gift_for_an_epileptic_teenage/
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A guy asks a north korean "what's life like in north Korea?"

North Korean answers "I can't complain"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7work/a_guy_asks_a_north_korean_whats_life_like_in/
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What's large, gray and doesn't matter?

Irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7wod0/whats_large_gray_and_doesnt_matter/
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What's a sentence you can say both during sex and at the funeral?

I wish she wasn't dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7wkaa/whats_a_sentence_you_can_say_both_during_sex_and/
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What goes: "helloooaaaaeeeeeeyyaaauuugghhhhh!!!!!"?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7wk8v/what_goes_helloooaaaaeeeeeeyyaaauuugghhhhh/
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It's wrong to make fun of short people.

Come on, people.
We're above that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7wj64/its_wrong_to_make_fun_of_short_people/
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My girlfriend told me i was too childish last week while we were shopping

I was so shocked i almost fell out of the trolley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7wigc/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_was_too_childish_last/
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Everyone has a right to make money.

A sign posted at a local pub reads "Be safe: Don't drink and drive. But please still drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7wb83/everyone_has_a_right_to_make_money/
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Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7w6rc/three_men_are_in_a_hotel_room_in_soviet_russia/
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A man brings his buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in: “My hair and make up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas, and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?!”
The husband says: “Because he’s thinking of getting married...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7w50s/a_man_brings_his_buddy_home_for_dinner/
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Kid asks his father the difference between theory and fact,

The father thinks for a bit and tells his son that he can't explain it very well but he can give a very simple example. The father instructs his son to ask his mother and sister if they were willing to sleep with a man for 1 million dollars.
The son does as told and return to his father with the answers.
Father: Well son what did they answer?
Son: Well they both said yes.
Father: Then son, you see in theory we are potentially millionaires, however in fact we live with a couple of prostitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7w2b9/kid_asks_his_father_the_difference_between_theory/
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What does The Hulk say when someone tries to steal his mashed potatoes?

HULKS MASH!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7vyez/what_does_the_hulk_say_when_someone_tries_to/
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Emma didn't get very much sleep on Saturday night.

Because of that fact she kept falling asleep in Sunday School. While she was sleeping, her teacher decided to ask her a question, "Who created the universe?"
The boy sitting next to her, Joey, poked her with his pencil to help her our. She jumped up and yelled, "God!"
The teacher told her, "Good job!" and continued with the lesson.
Soon after the teacher asked Emma another question, "Who died for our sins?"
Again she is sleeping so Joey pokes her. She wakes up and yells, "Jesus Christ!"
The teacher praises her again and continues.
Not much time passes and the teacher asks Emma, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"
Joey pokes her and she yells, "If you put that thing near me again, I'll snap it in half and shove it up your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7vqqv/emma_didnt_get_very_much_sleep_on_saturday_night/
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I don’t often tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7vpgl/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
%
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Siant Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.
"Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
The man replied, "These are Carol's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7vos0/three_men_died_on_christmas_eve_and_were_met_by/
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NSFW - A man checks him and his family into a hotel.

Receptionist: room 412, sir. Enjoy your stay.
Man: I assume the porn is disabled?
Receptionist: no, it’s just regular porn you sick fuck...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7vd8x/nsfw_a_man_checks_him_and_his_family_into_a_hotel/
%
Doctor Doctor. My butt hurts!

'Alright, let's take a look at it.' Says the doctor.
The man drops his pants and the doctor inspects his butt.
'Do you know you've got a rolled up $20 sticking out of your butt?' Asks the doctor.
'I do? Well pull it out!' Says the man and the doctor does.
'Oh my God,' Says the doctor, 'It's been replaced by $10 rolled up and sticking out of your butt!'
'Well pull it out too!'
The doctor pulls out the $10 and every time it's replaced. Sometimes it's $5, $10, $20 or $50. Less frequently it's $100 or a $1. Eventually,  the money stops.
'Ah. I feel much better now,' Says the man, 'How much was up there?'
The doctor counts it up.
'$1,999.' Says the doctor.
'That sounds about right. I wasn't feeling two grand.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7v58y/doctor_doctor_my_butt_hurts/
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According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7v0y6/according_to_scientists_if_you_place_your_head_on/
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A man walked into a bar,

The man behind him walked around it and into the saloon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7uv0p/a_man_walked_into_a_bar/
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A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked and located a witch doctor in a rural neighborhood.
When he had explained his problems to the witch doctor, the doctor leaned his head back and laughed. "Why, it's simple!" He brought out small white and red packets and handed them to the man. "Simply open these ketchup packets, squirt them into your eyes, and I assure you, you will once again see."
The man did as told, and was suddenly surprised that his vision returned nearly instantly, and to perfection. Amazed, he exclaimed, "How did you do that?! I can see! I can *see!*"
"Why, Heinzsight is 20/20."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ut3d/a_man_with_chronic_vision_problems/
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Every time my wife and I do anal I can’t seem to finish.

Some would say it’s becoming nuttin butt trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7us96/every_time_my_wife_and_i_do_anal_i_cant_seem_to/
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I haven't paid the exorcist in time.

They were so pissed they came back and repossessed my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7us2p/i_havent_paid_the_exorcist_in_time/
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I can’t remember how to write, 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

I M LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7uqev/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_and_500/
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I only hook up with girls who wont vaccinate their kids..

Because 6years of child support is better than 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7upjp/i_only_hook_up_with_girls_who_wont_vaccinate/
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What do you call female viagra?

Jewellery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7upal/what_do_you_call_female_viagra/
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I was going to write a joke about sodium...

But then I was like Na. I won’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7u7rj/i_was_going_to_write_a_joke_about_sodium/
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Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7u7hc/do_you_know_why_there_are_fewer_all_men_are_trash/
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7u5ww/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
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Stalin once said: Dark Humor is like food...

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7u5fc/stalin_once_said_dark_humor_is_like_food/
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*using walkie takies*

Girl: this relationship is over!
Guy: this relationship is what? Over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7u13w/using_walkie_takies/
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What kind of phones do turtles use

Shell-ular phones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7txzn/what_kind_of_phones_do_turtles_use/
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Thesauruses are, for lack of a better word,

useless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7txww/thesauruses_are_for_lack_of_a_better_word/
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What do raspberries do when they play instruments

They have jam sessions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7txof/what_do_raspberries_do_when_they_play_instruments/
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A man asked God

"God, what's a million years to you?"
God said a second.
So the man asked God "God, what's a million dollars to you?"
God said a penny.
So the man asked God "God, can I borrow a penny?"
And God said yes.
In a second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7tto2/a_man_asked_god/
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A couple hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.

The woman stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.
Her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"
She replied, "I can go out as whatever I want."
So the husband also took off all his clothes and tied a string to his penis with a potato at the end of the string.
His wife said, "You're going out as that?"
''Yes,'' said the husband. ''If you can go out as a sour-puss, I can go out as a dictator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7tmi0/a_couple_hadnt_celebrated_halloween_in_a_long/
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My girlfriend says that I have compulsive lying disorder, and I have to say she’s right.

I don’t have a girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7temx/my_girlfriend_says_that_i_have_compulsive_lying/
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What do you call a dishwasher malfunction?

A dishaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7tdh5/what_do_you_call_a_dishwasher_malfunction/
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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7tarj/a_teenage_boy_was_delivering_papers_to_an/
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My wife and I were discussing Christmas presents

I asked what she wanted and she said "if you love me, you'll get me this vintage Barbie playset I had when I was a kid; it's only $500 on eBay."
I told her no, that I didn't want to set unrealistic expectations for our children.
"You mean expectations about ideal female physical attributes?" she asked.
"No, that I love you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7t7jt/my_wife_and_i_were_discussing_christmas_presents/
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Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.
So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7t6b4/carolyn_a_rich_blonde_buys_a_new_automatic_jaguar/
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*Knock-knock* ... "Who's there?"

"Doorbell repair man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7t25l/knockknock_whos_there/
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A ramdom girl is giving me a blowjob and i'm melting

Seriously i'm melting.Someone please bring me back to the freezer with other popsicles or i'm gonna die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7t16e/a_ramdom_girl_is_giving_me_a_blowjob_and_im/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7t15g/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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Why did the Pepsi employee get fired?

Because his lab results came back, and he tested positive for Coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7t0zi/why_did_the_pepsi_employee_get_fired/
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What did the banana say the to vibrator?

Don't know what your shaking for she's gonna eat me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7t0pv/what_did_the_banana_say_the_to_vibrator/
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I called the doctor "My wife is going into labor! What should I do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7szva/i_called_the_doctor_my_wife_is_going_into_labor/
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Chess joke

An Australian man walks into a bar, and sees the bartender playing some chess.
The man walks over and tells the bartender he can beat him in his sleep.
The bartender says “alright then, if you can beat me, ill buy you a drink” the man agrees.
They play, and the Australian man is about to lose.
He stands up, and tells the bartender, “Check, mate”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7syij/chess_joke/
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What’s a windmill’s favourite genre of music?

He’s a heavy metal fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7sy3m/whats_a_windmills_favourite_genre_of_music/
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Welfare check

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz GT, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7srpf/welfare_check/
%
I was at the movies with my girlfriend, but they wouldnt’t let her in

They said “no outside snacks allowed”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7sjfv/i_was_at_the_movies_with_my_girlfriend_but_they/
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I went on a roller coaster and the woman next to me would not stop screaming.

Seriously,it was like she had never seen a penis before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7shkj/i_went_on_a_roller_coaster_and_the_woman_next_to/
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Why are candy canes so expensive?

Because they're in mint condition!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7sgrt/why_are_candy_canes_so_expensive/
%
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

A violin's got strings. A fiddle's got strangs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7sfwh/whats_the_difference_between_a_violin_and_a_fiddle/
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Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4 doors, they'd be chicken sedans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7scsd/why_do_chicken_coops_have_2_doors/
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I want to say thank you to my student loans for getting me through college.

I'll never be able to repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7sbm2/i_want_to_say_thank_you_to_my_student_loans_for/
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What did the jew say when he was captured by the nazis?

Au, Shwitz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7s99e/what_did_the_jew_say_when_he_was_captured_by_the/
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A bar goes into a man...

It was a gay bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7s85y/a_bar_goes_into_a_man/
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Did Santa get you that?

A policeman riding his horse sees a little girl on a brand new bike. He rides up next to her and asks,  "Did Santa get you that bike?"
The girl looks up smiling and says, "Yes he did."
The policeman smiles and says "Well next year, tell Santa to put some reflectors on it." He then fines her $5.
The little girl asks him "Did Santa get you that horse?'
Thinking she's a peach, the policeman answers, "He sure did."
The little girl replies,  "Well next year, tell him the fucking dick goes under the horse, not on top of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7s80u/did_santa_get_you_that/
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One in four people is homosexual...

which is weird because I have three best friends, all guys. Makes me wonder which one of us would be gay.
I hope it's Paul; he's cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7s7hi/one_in_four_people_is_homosexual/
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What is the difference between a teabag and a ballsack?

You don't know? I'm never coming over for a cup of tea at your place then!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7s75r/what_is_the_difference_between_a_teabag_and_a/
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Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7s6dy/hey_do_you_know_why_they_dont_smoke_pot_in_the/
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The gay flag is all straight lines

Except for when it’s blowing (kinda stole this joke from a post I saw on r/showerthoughts but who’s original now anyway)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7s61l/the_gay_flag_is_all_straight_lines/
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Aristotle has long been regarded for his philosophical mind.

But it's too bad his theory of inertia never really gained momentum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7s5ms/aristotle_has_long_been_regarded_for_his/
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My father was the best at russian roulette...

He only lost once!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7s3kt/my_father_was_the_best_at_russian_roulette/
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I dropped my swear jar

About a hundred motherfuckers escaped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7s0gh/i_dropped_my_swear_jar/
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A rich man and a poor man both have the same wedding anniversary

So they meet in the city every year to shop.
Poor Man:  So did you get your wife this year?
Rich Man:  A diamond ring and a new Mercedes
Poor Man: Why did you get her a diamond ring and a Mercedes?
Rich Man:  if she doesn’t like the diamond ring she can return it in the new Mercedes and still be happy.
Rich Man:  What did you get your wife?
Poor Man:  I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.
Rich Man:  Why did you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?
Poor Man:  If she doesn’t like the slippers then she can go fuck herself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7rwkb/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_both_have_the_same/
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You're stuck in a room with no doors, no windows, and only three matches. How do you escape?

Strike one, strike two, strike three, and you're out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7rwgk/youre_stuck_in_a_room_with_no_doors_no_windows/
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A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"
"That's obvious!" the assistant states. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7rqo2/a_man_walks_into_a_store_to_buy_a_barbie_doll_for/
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At what point do you go from being "handless" to being "armless"?

What's the cut-off point?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7rn6j/at_what_point_do_you_go_from_being_handless_to/
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2 men in a life raft

2 men are in a life raft in the middle of the ocean, because their fishing boat had sunk
After a few days, the two are very exhausted and dehydrated
Suddenly, one sees a bottle floating past
“Maybe it has beer!” Exclaims the first man happily as he scoops up the bottle
They open it and a genie suddenly appears
“I will give you two one wish, but only one, so choose wisely.”
The second man was smart and suggested that they think hard about what to wish for
Just then, the first man blurts out
“I WISH THE WHOLE OCEAN WAS MADE OF BEER!”
The genie grants his wish and disappears
“ you idiot!”Cries the second man
“Now we have to pee in the boat!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7rmgf/2_men_in_a_life_raft/
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A guy invents a time machine...

A guy runs into the the room panicking and says to his friend “I just fucked up!”
“Why?” His friend asks
He replies “I just invented a time machine, I went back in time and slept with my own mother “
His friend says “it’s not your fault, she was probably much younger and you didn’t recognise her !”
He replies “but I only went back 3 days!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7rlrj/a_guy_invents_a_time_machine/
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My wife and I were virgins before we got married. I told her many times before we were married that I was hung like a baby.

On our honeymoon she freaked out, I said I tried to tell you...21 inches and 8 lbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7rkqw/my_wife_and_i_were_virgins_before_we_got_married/
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What did the melon say when asked to run away and get married?

I'm sorry, but I cantelope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7rjtj/what_did_the_melon_say_when_asked_to_run_away_and/
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If your man comes home late at night smelling of strange perfume...

You're probably getting perfume for Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7rgvq/if_your_man_comes_home_late_at_night_smelling_of/
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What do you call batman when he leaves church early?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7rabj/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_leaves_church/
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The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.

Having never ridden in a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.
Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.
"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Well WHO is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7r85y/the_pope_had_just_finished_a_tour_of_the_east/
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What’s something you can say at the dinner table and in the bedroom?

Grandma put your dentures back in... sorry reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7r7r6/whats_something_you_can_say_at_the_dinner_table/
%
I hit somebody driving my car, and I dont feel bad at all.

I mean, wouldn't you punch somebody trying to steal your car too?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7r244/i_hit_somebody_driving_my_car_and_i_dont_feel_bad/
%
Just had a big fight with my wife.

That woman fights for no reason at all.  We were both excited and just about to make love.  She removed her jeans and then her top. Then the fight started  when I asked, "why are you wearing you sister's bra?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qz1u/just_had_a_big_fight_with_my_wife/
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What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qyxq/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_alcohol_and/
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Every time I walk through the cemetery I text my x.

Wish you were here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qyt3/every_time_i_walk_through_the_cemetery_i_text_my_x/
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Hey Dad, I'll be right back

Dad: "Ok Right Back, I'll be Left Front"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qxcs/hey_dad_ill_be_right_back/
%
What's the name of the erectile dysfunction medication used in Pokemon?

PP up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qx61/whats_the_name_of_the_erectile_dysfunction/
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In heaven, there were two huge signs.

The first read, "Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do."
The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.
The second sign stated, "Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do."
Only one man stood under that sign.
Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself’.”
The man shrugged and said, “Not much to say; my wife told me to stand here...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qrrp/in_heaven_there_were_two_huge_signs/
%
How do people not understand how doors work?

They seem pretty open-and-shut to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qpty/how_do_people_not_understand_how_doors_work/
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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qpqh/if_you_masturbate_after_smoking_marijuana/
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Two 70 year old men

Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qo2j/two_70_year_old_men/
%
A man goes into a fastfood resturant

He orders a cheeseburger and asks the server if it will be long
The cashier looks confused for a second and replies no. It will be round like all the others

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qn6v/a_man_goes_into_a_fastfood_resturant/
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I took a fruitcake to germany

It was stollen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qm50/i_took_a_fruitcake_to_germany/
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How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

Depends on who you ask, if you question a catholic, the answer is 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qlni/how_many_syllables_does_the_word_gloria_have/
%
One day, a long long time ago, there lived a woman who did not wine, nag, or bitch...

But that was a long time ago,
and It was just one day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qk6q/one_day_a_long_long_time_ago_there_lived_a_woman/
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Was 12, living with abusive aunt and uncle

We lived on an old farm. No animals, just fields.
Uncle goes to the market to buy a horse, ends up spending more than expected because it's bred from some old bloke's prized stallion.
Although expensive, aunt loves it. Because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a fucked up like that.
They told me, "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you."
They'd done it before so I knew they meant it.
Days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me.
Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse.
Get bored. Climb inside the tire.
Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat).
Can't stop.
Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me
They see me rollin'
They hatin'
Patrolling
Trying to catch me riding Dirty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qjs9/was_12_living_with_abusive_aunt_and_uncle/
%
My doctor told me I have gynecomastia. No, I insisted, I’ve just got man boobs!

Well, he replied, now you’re just arguing some man tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qjj6/my_doctor_told_me_i_have_gynecomastia_no_i/
%
A young, former Kirby vacuum salesman from North Dakota starts working at a "everything under one roof" store in Florida...

Though the manager who interviewed him was nervous with only that one bit of work history he liked the kid so he decided to hire him. "You can start tomorrow and I'll check up on you by the end of the day and see how much you have sold."
The first day on the job was a bit rough but the kid tried his best; after the store locked up the boss came down to the sales floor to check on him, "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid, looking down at the floor, mutters, "One".
"Just one?! Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to improve, soon, if you want to stay employed here. We have higher standards here in Florida; that kind of performance may have been acceptable in North Dakota selling vacuums but won't pass for good work here."
The young salesman kept his head down this entire time, only acknowledging with a nod now and again.
The boss, noting his somber response, decides to find out what exactly he did, "So, how much did your one customer buy?"
The kid looks up finally and responds, "$101,237.65".
The boss is flabbergasted, "$101,237.65?! What the heck did you sell?!"
The kid responds, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. When I asked him where he planned on going fishing and he told me he was going to fish off the coast I told him he was going to need a new boat, so we go down there and I sell him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he mentions that his Civic probably wouldn't be able to pull the boat so we go to the auto section and I sell him a 4x4 expedition."
The boss, still a bit speechless, asks, "A guy came in here looking for fish hooks and you sold him a boat AND a truck?!"
"No, sir, he came in to buy tampons for his wife and I said, 'gee, your weekend is shot, you should go fishing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qh5i/a_young_former_kirby_vacuum_salesman_from_north/
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Why was the dyslexic kid sad on Christmas Morning?

He wrote his letter to Satan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qfwz/why_was_the_dyslexic_kid_sad_on_christmas_morning/
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The Bus Driver and The Legend Dave......and also his wife

On Dave's Birthday his wife decided to take him to a Strip Club.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a bus. And quickly Dave gets on the bus too.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The **Bus Driver** turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7qb3c/the_bus_driver_and_the_legend_daveand_also_his/
%
A man takes his wife to the doctors.

Man; my wife has been acting strange.
Doctor: I’ve ran some tests and she either has Alzheimer’s or AIDS.
Man: what?! Well how am I supposed to know!
Doctor: take her for a drive tonight and drop her off a couple of miles away from your house.
Man: what will that achieve?
Doctor: if she makes it home, don’t fuck her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7q6km/a_man_takes_his_wife_to_the_doctors/
%
What do stars usually die from?

An overdose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7q61j/what_do_stars_usually_die_from/
%
My friend got paralyzed

He says he can't stand living like this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7q13a/my_friend_got_paralyzed/
%
A wife sends her husband to the grocery store

The wife says: Go get a gallon of milk, and if they have bananas,  get six.
So, the husband leaves, and when he gets back he has six gallons of milk.
The wife yells: What the hell?! Why did you buy six gallons of milk?!
The husband replied: They had bananas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7pxvs/a_wife_sends_her_husband_to_the_grocery_store/
%
Yesterday my wife left me

"She ran away with my best friend Josh."
"Since when is Josh your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7pxbq/yesterday_my_wife_left_me/
%
I told a girl once:

“Words can not describe your beauty!”
“But numbers can. “
“3/10”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7puq7/i_told_a_girl_once/
%
Our one-year-old throws a complete fit if his breakfast doesn't include toast.

We think he might be lack toast intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7pq7m/our_oneyearold_throws_a_complete_fit_if_his/
%
so a guy walks into a pet store and sees a parrot for $50 Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he's so cheap?"

"Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs."
A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?"
The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it."
The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing...
"Psst...come here. I need to talk to you."
"What?"
"It's about your wife."
"Yeah, what about her?"
"And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee."
"What!"
"Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on.
"Holy shit...that can't be possible."
"It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy."
"Well," the man asks,"what happened next?"
"I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7pnci/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_pet_store_and_sees_a_parrot/
%
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.  I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7pl3p/a_man_went_to_the_police_station_wishing_to_speak/
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A wife is tidying her teenage son's bedroom and finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags.

She asks her husband, "what should I do?"
The husband replies " I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7pjkk/a_wife_is_tidying_her_teenage_sons_bedroom_and/
%
Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has No L.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7pjgu/whats_the_difference_between_the_christmas/
%
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7pg0s/a_new_teacher_was_trying_to_make_use_of_her/
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The witches in Sabrina the Teenage Witch having a cat called Salem is like...

A Jewish family having a cat called Auschwitz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7p4v1/the_witches_in_sabrina_the_teenage_witch_having_a/
%
Did you know that Helen Keller had a dog?

Neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7p36j/did_you_know_that_helen_keller_had_a_dog/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7p0fc/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Sherlock Irritates Watson

A confirmed bachelor, Sherlock Holmes did not have a lack of admirers willing to satisfy all his carnal needs, but yet he chose to be single, which irritated Watson to no end. As a sidekick, Watson did not get to enjoy the constant fawning of young nubile flesh willing to submit to his every wish. On one occasion, one of Sherlock's clients, an exceedingly beautiful and perfect physical specimen of a woman, in the prime of her youth, practically stripped down in front of Sherlock, begging him to ravish her. But, alas, she was respectfully rebuffed by the celebrated sleuth.
"What the hell is wrong with you, Sherlock? People would kill for the chance to even smell her perfume. Are you insane? Do you have no interest in women at all?"
"I do Watson, however, she is just not my type. She is a bit too old for me."
"Too old? She's only 21. She's the perfect age and temperament for a sensual and passionate fling. How young would you have liked her to be?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ozny/sherlock_irritates_watson/
%
Girl: come over

Guy: I’m coming over
Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7osx9/girl_come_over/
%
As a scientist, I have been actively trying to develop a cure for beastiality, but I haven't had any luck. So if anyone needs me,

I'll be in my lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ojdu/as_a_scientist_i_have_been_actively_trying_to/
%
Everyone keeps getting annoyed and repeatedly asking me what my dog's name is.

Why won't they understand that that's my pet peeve?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7oibf/everyone_keeps_getting_annoyed_and_repeatedly/
%
I can't stand people without feet.

I'm lack-toes intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7oe7n/i_cant_stand_people_without_feet/
%
Why are ghost parties the best parties?

Because of the wine, beer and spirits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7obcm/why_are_ghost_parties_the_best_parties/
%
An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)
Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.
Finally she comes to the end of the recipe, and with an evil laugh, she grabs a boy from the cage and tosses him into the giant boiling cauldron.
After many tormenting screams, followed by a moment of silence, the cauldron suddenly bursts and out jumps a now young man in place of the boy. It was clear the potion didn't go as intended for the witch.
The young man then chases after the bewildered witch and proceeds to kill her with his bare hands.
As he finally makes his way back to the cage to free the confused young boys, they ask him in astonishment, "what happened to you?" "How did you not die?"
"Easy" says the young man, "That witch doesn't kill you... only makes you stronger"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ob7o/an_evil_witch_kidnaps_some_boys/
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Cop: You are certain that your identity has been stolen then?

:Very

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7o7vv/cop_you_are_certain_that_your_identity_has_been/
%
Two Nuns, a Man and a Marketplace

Two young nuns go to the market in the middle of the afternoon to buy some fruit and nuts for the Christmas punch.
The market was very crowded and their shopping trip takes much longer than anticipated.
- **Sister Diana:** Sister Andrea?
- **Sister Andrea:** Yes, sister Diana?
- **Sister Diana:** It’s already dark and we’re still very far away from the convent.
- **Sister Andrea:** Yes, and did you notice that a man is following us?
- **Sister Diana:** Yes, I wonder what he wants.
- **Sister Andrea:** To rape us?
- **Sister Diana:** What do we do?
- **Sister Andrea:** We should split up. You go this way and I go that way.
After they separated, the man followed Sister Diana while Sister Andrea hurried up worriedly to the convent. One hour later, Sister Diana arrives breathing heavily and with a flushed face.
- **Sister Andrea:** What happened Sister Diana?
- **Sister Diana:** I kept changing direction and so did he.
- **Sister Andrea:** What did you do then?
- **Sister Diana:** I started to run and so did he.
- **Sister Andrea:** And then?
- **Sister Diana:** He caught me after a few blocks.
- **Sister Andrea:** Oh my God!!! Did you scream for help?
- **Sister Diana:** No, I didn’t resist and did the only logical thing. I pulled up my dress high above my knees.
- **Sister Andrea:** Oh my Heavens!!! What did the man do?
- **Sister Diana:** Well, I guess it should be very obvious. He pulled his pants down.
- **Sister Andrea:** Oh my Lord!!! And then, what happened?
- **Sister Diana:** Isn’t it obvious???
- **Sister Andrea:** Oh no!!!
- **Sister Diana:** A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down!!!
**EDIT:** I used the word “dress” instead of “habit” for clarity. English is not everyone’s first language and some might not be familiar with the word used to call a nun’s clothes.
**EDIT 2:** Formatting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7o7fz/two_nuns_a_man_and_a_marketplace/
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What do noodles call the shady part of town?

The Spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7o5h4/what_do_noodles_call_the_shady_part_of_town/
%
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7o2fz/three_men_are_on_a_boat_they_have_four_cigarettes/
%
Things that never get old. #1: making fun of anti vaxers.

#2: anti-vaxers' kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7o0n3/things_that_never_get_old_1_making_fun_of_anti/
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My dad told me he worked 3 jobs, had 2 girlfriends, graduated top of his class when he was 21 years old

Nothing is impossible if you can lie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7o0ju/my_dad_told_me_he_worked_3_jobs_had_2_girlfriends/
%
I fly communist class

Your seat is our seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7nzcq/i_fly_communist_class/
%
Why couldn't the redditor complete the alphabet?

He was missing OC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7nwxs/why_couldnt_the_redditor_complete_the_alphabet/
%
I Just Got A Gun For My Wife

Best trade I ever made!
^^^^^^Git-R-Done!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ns0a/i_just_got_a_gun_for_my_wife/
%
I was at the hospital the other day and the Radiologist had really low self-esteem.

I think he had body image issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7nrd9/i_was_at_the_hospital_the_other_day_and_the/
%
There is a big function party

Everyone is there, x^2, sinx, cosx.
e^x is sitting in the corner crying. they ask "him why are you crying? Why don't you integrate yourself?"
e^x looks up and says, "It wont make a difference."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7nmqs/there_is_a_big_function_party/
%
What did the first tampon say to the second tampon?

Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7nlq7/what_did_the_first_tampon_say_to_the_second_tampon/
%
How many Redditors does it take to successfully hang up a sign?

Infinite, they’ll never stop reposting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7nk0f/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_successfully/
%
Women are so strong...

they can run their mouth 24/7 and still have energy to cry when you call out their nonsense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7njbu/women_are_so_strong/
%
What gender are robots?

They're all non-binary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7nj5h/what_gender_are_robots/
%
I caught a bunch of social justice warriors in my yard digging up large wooden stakes

They said the posts had to be removed before they caused a fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7niiy/i_caught_a_bunch_of_social_justice_warriors_in_my/
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The genie said I will grant you just one wish

I said "I want my dick to touch the ground"
Then my legs fell off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7nhhd/the_genie_said_i_will_grant_you_just_one_wish/
%
A ghost knocks at a door...

...and an old woman answers.
The ghost says to her, "I'm here to scare you."
The old woman replies, "Oh no you haint"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ng48/a_ghost_knocks_at_a_door/
%
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7nfyq/i_just_saw_my_chinese_waiter_give_my_order_to/
%
Three men are on a boat.

They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ncg1/three_men_are_on_a_boat/
%
Once a man goes to a shop to buy a parrot. He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot.

Shop owner: $500
Customer: Why so costly?
Shop owner: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point
Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?
Shop owner:  $1000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming
Customer: how nice, and what's the price of this parrot which is sleeping?
Shop owner: That's for $5000
Customer: And what does it know?
Shop owner: That I don't know, I haven't seen him do anything, but the other two parrots call him boss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7nc8x/once_a_man_goes_to_a_shop_to_buy_a_parrot_he_asks/
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What do you say after you have sex with a soldier girl?

Thank you for your cervix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7nc57/what_do_you_say_after_you_have_sex_with_a_soldier/
%
I introduced science and technology to the frogs in my neighborhood in an attempt to uplift their species.

All of my neighbors are mad at me now because now the frogs only say “rivet”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7nb28/i_introduced_science_and_technology_to_the_frogs/
%
I was at the blood clinic...

I said "I keep typing letters out of order"
The  nurse said "I'm not surprised, we've checked your blood, you're typo positive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7n9ib/i_was_at_the_blood_clinic/
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2 wrongs don't make a right

but 3 lefts do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7n4yq/2_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
%
Two wrongs dont make a right

But two Wrights make an airplane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7n4cx/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
%
I have loads of jokes about unemployed people...

But none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7n2xj/i_have_loads_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

##
A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7n2h3/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
I won a lifetime supply of rope yesterday

It’s 10 feet long!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7n05q/i_won_a_lifetime_supply_of_rope_yesterday/
%
My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he'd drunk more than usual the day before.

"What's more than usual?" I asked.
"A case."
"You can drink a case in a day?!"
"Well," he grumbled defensively, "it doesn't take all day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7mzux/my_grandfather_was_sipping_a_beer_when_he/
%
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7myuk/at_his_103rd_birthday_party_my_grandfather_was/
%
Roses are red, violets are blue(ish)

Have a merry Christmas, unless you are Jewish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7mvqa/roses_are_red_violets_are_blueish/
%
People say Christmas is a Pagan holiday but...

a senior figure coming for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7mudg/people_say_christmas_is_a_pagan_holiday_but/
%
Corey was feeling very cold during his entire life.

One day he died and went to Heaven. Meeting St. Peter at the Heaven’s Gate Corey asks him.
\- St Peter, I was freezing all of my life and was dreaming about how warm it would be in Hell if I could get there. Can you please send me to Hell so I would get some warm?
\- You’ve spent quite sinless life so you belong here. But if you really want me to do this then I will fulfill your dream.
So Corey was sent to Hell. A few days later St. Peter started to feel ashamed that he sent a righteous man to Hell for no reason and decided to check out how Corey was doing there. He walked up to the Hell’s door, opened it up a little and took a peek inside. Corey was sitting inside a boiling hellish cauldron with a big fire burning beneath and seemed to look quite happy enjoying such a bath. Suddenly Corey turned around and shouted out:
\- Shut the fucking door! There is a draft here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7motn/corey_was_feeling_very_cold_during_his_entire_life/
%
So there’s this restaurant with really great food on the Moon.

But there’s no atmosphere at the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7mo3g/so_theres_this_restaurant_with_really_great_food/
%
Who was the first biker?

Moses... "...and the roar of his Triumph was heard all over the land..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7mnt4/who_was_the_first_biker/
%
I once got arrested for greeting my friend

Apparently the police doesn’t like hi-jack-ing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7mm57/i_once_got_arrested_for_greeting_my_friend/
%
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. Judge: Mickey you want to divorce Minnie because and I quote “she’s fucking crazy?”

Mickey: No she’s not fucking crazy I said she’s fucking Goofy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7mlna/mickey_and_minnie_mouse_are_in_divorce_court/
%
Introducing: WaffleMan!

You’ll never guess what his alter eggo is though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7mlft/introducing_waffleman/
%
What does Hannibal Lecter call the girl from The Ring?

a TV dinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7mgzh/what_does_hannibal_lecter_call_the_girl_from_the/
%
My neighbours went on holiday, and they've given me a spare key so I could feed their dog.

I'm not sure, though. I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7mfb2/my_neighbours_went_on_holiday_and_theyve_given_me/
%
One for the English Teachers/Fanatics

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7mbxt/one_for_the_english_teachersfanatics/
%
One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.
"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help so much when I'm out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have it!"
"Well, all right," says God. "Now, let's see what we have for you, Eve." God rummages about a bit more in the bag.
"Ah, right. Multiple orgasms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7mbl5/one_day_adam_and_eve_notice_god_standing_before/
%
Day 12 without my phone

(on mobile, sorry for formatting issues)
I lost my phone 12 days ago and don't know where it is, please help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7mbdu/day_12_without_my_phone/
%
Ever been back to the place where your were born?

Tight fit, ain't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ma47/ever_been_back_to_the_place_where_your_were_born/
%
The teacher asks the kid “What’s the difference between lightning and electricity?”.

The kid responds “Lightning kills for free, but you have to pay for electricity!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7m1hw/the_teacher_asks_the_kid_whats_the_difference/
%
Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken.

The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”
The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens. Look what it did to me!”
The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this old man. It’s time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!”
The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won’t bother you.”
The young rooster snarls, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”
The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow. I’ll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full reign over the chicken coop.”
The young rooster smiles, “You know I’m going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I’m even going to give you a head start.”
The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks “Go!” and the old rooster takes off running. About five seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what’s going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!
Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust, “Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7m02b/farmer_brown_goes_out_one_day_and_buys_a_brand/
%
My wife asked me how I know so much about vaginas.

I said, “I’ve been into them for years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7lzlw/my_wife_asked_me_how_i_know_so_much_about_vaginas/
%
The 19th hole.

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf
and heads into the grill room.
As he passes through the swinging doors he sees
a sign hanging over the bar :
COLD BEER:                      $2.00
HAMBURGER:                   $2.25
CHEESEBURGER:           $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH:    $3.50
HAND JOB:                       $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary
payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and
beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of
sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile,
"May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers,
"I was wondering, young lady," he whispers,
"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile
and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am"
The old golfer leans closer and
into her left ear and says softly,
"Well, wash your hands real fucking good,
cause I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7lxyf/the_19th_hole/
%
A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7lx3v/a_radio_station_in_ireland_is_taking_calls_to/
%
A cowboy walks into Africa

"What in starvation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7lteq/a_cowboy_walks_into_africa/
%
A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.
So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.
The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane fly through his window. He picked it up, and read the message on the note.
It said:
Notice me, send pie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7lptz/a_boy_with_no_legs_tried_to_get_attention_from/
%
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7loor/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
[Long] Yeah Right

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7lmr8/long_yeah_right/
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A Poor Man Meets A Rich Man Around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7lm39/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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To the theif that stole my anti depressants

I hope you're happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7llti/to_the_theif_that_stole_my_anti_depressants/
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A guys dies and goes to heaven

An angel shows him all the facilities.
-This is a swimming pool. This is a hot tub etc.
Then they open one of the doors and there's people getting whipped and beaten and stuff.
The guys asks: - what's going on here?
-Oh these are just Catholics, that's how they like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7lle9/a_guys_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
My five year old son was playing in the garden...

When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?"
No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs."
I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7lkxa/my_five_year_old_son_was_playing_in_the_garden/
%
A midget walks into to her doctors office

She tell him that her vagina has been itchy.
The Doctor says “Okay, let’s lift up your skirt and I’ll take a look.”
He grabs some scissors from his draw and snips a bit and asks her “how’s that feel now?”
The midget replies “That’s a little better, but still itchy.”
The doctor then grabs his scissors and snips a little more. “What about now, better?”
“That’s much better!” Says the midget “what did you do?”
The doctor replies “I snipped the fur off the top of your ugg boots.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7lk5c/a_midget_walks_into_to_her_doctors_office/
%
Teacher to little Jonny " Why were you absent from school yesterday?"

Jonny "My dad got burned Miss"
Teacher "I'm so terribly sorry to hear that. I hope it's not serious?"
Jonny "They don't fuck around at the crematorium Miss"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ljqr/teacher_to_little_jonny_why_were_you_absent_from/
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My Dad made me watch a 20 minute video of why you should wear a condom during sex.

Oddly it was just a 20min slide show with pictures of me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7lghk/my_dad_made_me_watch_a_20_minute_video_of_why_you/
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Will glass coffins become popular?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ldlo/will_glass_coffins_become_popular/
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A study down under

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7lapk/a_study_down_under/
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If you're here for the yodelling lesson,

please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7l9vk/if_youre_here_for_the_yodelling_lesson/
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I’ll always remember grandpa’s last words.

“Stop shakin’ the ladder, you little bastard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7l98f/ill_always_remember_grandpas_last_words/
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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realized she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7l8cm/my_wife_caught_me_pissing_in_the_kitchen_sink_and/
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I got really emotional at the petrol station this morning.

I don't know why, I just started filling up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7l80h/i_got_really_emotional_at_the_petrol_station_this/
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I sold all my body parts to feed my gambling addiction.

Maybe I should quit while I’m a head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7l7bj/i_sold_all_my_body_parts_to_feed_my_gambling/
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I asked the blonde nurse why she had a red magic marker.

She said it’s easier to draw blood with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7l76u/i_asked_the_blonde_nurse_why_she_had_a_red_magic/
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I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time we were having a drink and I said to him: "do you ever get fed up of westerners saying all Chinese people look the same?"

He replied "Kim's at the bar, I'm his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7l6pi/i_work_with_a_chinese_guy_called_kim_and_one_time/
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The Russian, the German and the French.

The Russian, the German and the French folks appear in the desert with no water. They find genie lamp and the genie told them they all have 2 wishes each.
German: "I want to get back home with 1 000 000 EUR" - Puff, done.
French: "I want to get back home with 100 beautiful women" - Puff, done.
Russian: "Those two were nice folks. Bring them back and the bottle of vodka."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7l4wn/the_russian_the_german_and_the_french/
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My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7l02g/my_wife_and_i_are_following_a_ketogenic_low_carb/
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I want bagpipes at my funeral.

So I don’t have to listen to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7kvhh/i_want_bagpipes_at_my_funeral/
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I told a genie that for my third and final wish, I wanted my family to be happy.

And i started fading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ku8a/i_told_a_genie_that_for_my_third_and_final_wish_i/
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I said to the doctor, rather embarrassingly, "I had to stop watching Titanic the other night after my butt plug got sucked up into my arse."

He said, "How far in?"
I said, "The bit where Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet get it on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7kt6x/i_said_to_the_doctor_rather_embarrassingly_i_had/
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How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7kslg/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
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What is the perfect name for a midget Metallica cover band?

Meshortica.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ksgp/what_is_the_perfect_name_for_a_midget_metallica/
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Husband to his fat cute wife

You're my only investment that has doubled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7knz7/husband_to_his_fat_cute_wife/
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A construction worker lost his hand in an workplace accident.

The insurance company is trying to figure out how it happened but they can't quite put their finger on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7kkfu/a_construction_worker_lost_his_hand_in_an/
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My daughter wants a pony for Christmas

I think a traditional turkey would taste better but it's her choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7kkew/my_daughter_wants_a_pony_for_christmas/
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Staggering how people conceal themselves!

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I have been his customer for 6 years and I have no idea that he was a barber!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7kk0g/staggering_how_people_conceal_themselves/
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My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7kgr4/my_wife_is_pregnant_and_my_doctor_asked_me_if_i/
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The Jews wandered in the desert for 40 years.

Who the hell gave them such lousy directions?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7kfl5/the_jews_wandered_in_the_desert_for_40_years/
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High noon.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"
The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go. "Play alone, we're a-leavin'. Wild Bill's comin' to town."
The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing; a strong one at that. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change."
After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer, and pushes the bill back to the reporter. "The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town." Without another word the 'tender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the reporter in an empty bar.
Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he's about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something; so he waits...
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, Bong<CRACK!>- Just as the clock strikes the first chime of twelve, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The reporter runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a tornado coming right for the bar. The reporter hits the ground and watches as the tornado comes up to the bar and stops.
The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face <WHAM!>, knocking it cold on the ground.
The reporter is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. <KaPLOW!> the giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters that imbed themselves into the walls and break bottles and glasses that they touch.
The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the reporter and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, "GIMME A DRINK!"
The reporter comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whisky; which the giant snatches up, chews the glass tops off of, and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles showering the reporter with shards that rain down.
Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the reporter stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, "W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?"
The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock... "Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill's comin' to town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ke2t/high_noon/
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My friend almost died coming back from a Disturbed concert

He came down with the sickness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7kdg6/my_friend_almost_died_coming_back_from_a/
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The barman says, "We don't serve time travelers in here!"

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7kaoi/the_barman_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers_in/
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A society of Froot Loops

So there's a society of Froot Loops in every box. There's the bottom, filled with all the broken, mashed up Loops, the middle class, which are a mix of good and bad Loops, and then there's the upper class, the 1 per cent of Froot Loops.
One day, two Loops from the bottom class decide they want to do something better with their lives.
So, they decide to move into the middle class. They succeed, and decide to go to a restaurant to celebrate.
A few weeks later, they decide, "Hey. We got this far. Why not to go to the upper class?"
And so they do. And again, they succeed. And again, they go to a restaurant to celebrate.
While at the restaurant, they order some drinks. They call over a waiter and ask for two drinks.
The waiter tells them that they are out of drinks, except for punch.
"Well, can we get punch, then?" one of the Loops asks.
"Certainly, sir. Just go and wait in the queue for the punch."
And so, the two Froot Loops walk around the restaurant, eventually going through the whole restaurant without finding the queue.
They stop another waiter and ask where the queue for punch is.
The waiter tells them with a confused look on his face, "I'm sorry sir, there is no punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7k9ih/a_society_of_froot_loops/
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3 men golfing

One day 3 friends decide to go shoot 18 holes of golf. When they get on the course there's 3 men ahead of them shooting and these guys are just terrible. They're  hooking the ball and slicing the ball. It takes the 3 friends 5 hours to shoot 9 holes.
The 3 friends see a park official and tell him that these guys ahead of them are just terrible. They're hooking the ball and slicing the ball... The park offical looks at them and tells them that those guys ahead of them are blind and can't see.
The first friend feels terrible and says to the official that lunch for those guys is on him. The second friend feels horrible and tells the offical that those guys round of golf is on him. The third friend looks at the offical and says, "Fuck it, they're blind! Let them golf at night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7k5k8/3_men_golfing/
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I get this rash whenever I wear tight t-shirts.

I did some research and apparently it is called derma-tight-tees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7k32x/i_get_this_rash_whenever_i_wear_tight_tshirts/
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A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7k1kc/a_man_goes_to_a_10_hooker_and_contracts_crabs/
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Delta airlines is probably chomping at the bit to get into the commercial space travel industry

After all
In space no one can hear you scream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7k13p/delta_airlines_is_probably_chomping_at_the_bit_to/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef Stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7k122/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
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If driving your car is too expensive,

we in germany got some good connections for cheap gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7k07b/if_driving_your_car_is_too_expensive/
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My VISA card was stolen two months ago, but I don’t want to report it.

The guy who took it is using it less than my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7jy89/my_visa_card_was_stolen_two_months_ago_but_i_dont/
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Young Jimmy asks his dad for $10

His dad says, can your dick touch Your arse? Jimmy say ‘No’. His dad says ‘well, you can’t have 10 bucks till your dick can touch your arse
A few weeks later, he asks his dad for a bicycle, his dad says ‘can your dick touch your arse’ again the answer was ‘No’... well you can’t have a bicycle.
This went on for all of Jimmy’s young life and he was refused everything by his dad.
Later in life, Jimmy wins 20 million in the lottery
Straight away, his dad comes and asks him for a million dollars. Jimmy says ‘can your dick touch your arse’ his dad says ‘yes son’ so Jimmy says ‘well, go fuck yourself’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7jtm7/young_jimmy_asks_his_dad_for_10/
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With great reflexes..

Comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7jtbu/with_great_reflexes/
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A pirate goes into a doctor's office.

He asks the doctor to inspect his back because he happened to find some lumps there. After careful examination, the doctor tells the pirate, "Don't worry. They're benign," to which the pirate replied, "Aargh, check them again. I reckon there at least be ten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7jqhk/a_pirate_goes_into_a_doctors_office/
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If Amazon were a human what would be it’s most important organ?

Da liver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7joat/if_amazon_were_a_human_what_would_be_its_most/
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Not to say I have trouble working out...

But I sat on the rowing machine and it sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7jo9m/not_to_say_i_have_trouble_working_out/
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What can think the unthinkable?

An Itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7jjbn/what_can_think_the_unthinkable/
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I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7jdfe/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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Why did the girl fall into the well?

Because she couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7jcg0/why_did_the_girl_fall_into_the_well/
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What's the difference between ooh and ahh?

Answer: About three inches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7jbd8/whats_the_difference_between_ooh_and_ahh/
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Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?

Because you can't see in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7jav1/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
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Whenever a stranger in public calls my daughter “princess...”

I order them to bow before me, for I am apparently their King.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7jai3/whenever_a_stranger_in_public_calls_my_daughter/
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A wise man told me that the mobile network carrier you choose says a lot about your life

No wonder I use Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7j9gv/a_wise_man_told_me_that_the_mobile_network/
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What do you call sex with a condom on?

Sex in a nutshell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7j7mz/what_do_you_call_sex_with_a_condom_on/
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I got injured in the playground today.

Chute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7j6u2/i_got_injured_in_the_playground_today/
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4 prisoners are sitting in a cell.

They have all been imprisoned for life, so to pass the time, they tell each other jokes.
This goes well for the first few years, but eventually they have told and retold every joke they know.
Eventually they start numbering the jokes so they don't have to tell them from start to finish every time.
"You guys remember number 223?" The first prisoner asks? All the other prisoners chuckle
"How about number 540?" Says the second prisoner. Everyone let's out a hearty laugh.
"I really like number 401" Says the third prisoner. Everyone has a good laugh over this, except for the fourth prisoner who at this point is rolling on the ground in uncontrollable laughter.
The first prisoner says "what's up with you?"
The fourth prisoner who has finally stopped laughing but still has a massive grin on his face says "I'm really sorry, it's just that I've never heard that one before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7j3z5/4_prisoners_are_sitting_in_a_cell/
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What kind of coffee did the cow abortion doctor drink?

DeCalf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7j0t6/what_kind_of_coffee_did_the_cow_abortion_doctor/
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An old lady is very hard up

, unable to pay the bills and Christmas is just around the corner. So in desperation she writes a letter to God.
"Dear God, I know you're busy and there are many people more deserving than me, but I really need $100 to pay the gas and electricity bills, plus have some money for a nice Christmas day. Your obedient servant Janet"
This arrives at the post office, who, being unable to deliver the letter addressed to 'God in heaven' open it up and have a read.
Of course they are moved by the lady's distress and have a whip round the office. They manage to put together $90 which they put in an envelope and have it delivered to her address.
A week letter they receive another letter from the same lady
"Dear God thank you so much for the money you sent, it made me very happy and got me out of trouble. I notice that while I asked for $100 there was only $90. I suppose those bastards in the Post Office stole the rest"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ixiw/an_old_lady_is_very_hard_up/
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What nationality is Santa?

North Polish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7iwqz/what_nationality_is_santa/
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The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.
"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young private runs over, goes to attention and throws a crisp salute. "Soldier, I want you to go climb that water tower and jump off." The private sees the water tower and without hesitation runs over to the ladder, scales up, jumps off, and dies on impact. "Now that is bravery."
The Navy admiral chuckles and says, " you think that is bravery? Here watch this." He looks around and sees a young seaman. "Seaman, over here!" The young seaman rushes over, goes to attention, and throws a sharp salute. "Seaman, I want you to go over to that water tower and swan dive off." Without a second thought the young man runs over, climbs to the top, and performs a graceful swan dive off off the tower landing head first, dying on impact. "Now that is bravery. "
The Marine general, not to be outdone by the Navy, just sneers out, "you boys ain't seen a thing yet." He spots a young corporal and shout out, "hey maggot, over here on the double!" The young Marine barrels over, pops to attention, and throws a perfect salute. "Alright you worthless pile of crap time to finally make something of yourself. I want you to climb up that water tower, do exactly three flips mid-air and land head first into the ground. You better die on impact as well or so help me I will reach into whatever afterlife you believe in, rip you out, and throw you off that tower myself!" Without batting an eye the Marine sprints over to the water tower, climbs up, does exactly three flips, and lands head first dying on impact. "Now that is bravery."
The Air Force general just shakes his head and says, "I got this in the bag." He sees a young airman and calls him over. The young man gives a quizzical look and motions to himself to make sure, eventually walking over to the general. He makes a lazy attempt at attention and briefly throws a salute. "Airman, I want you to go over to that water tower and jump off." The airman raises his brow, looks up at the tower, and then down at the pile of dead service members. "Pfft, screw you ... sir," he replies and walks off. The Air Force general turns to the other officers and remarks, "Now THAT is bravery!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7iscx/the_bravest_long_joke/
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Bartenders should get paid more

'Cause they pour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ir25/bartenders_should_get_paid_more/
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What’s green and smells like pork?

Kermit’s Cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ir1s/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7in3p/a_woman_was_out_golfing_one_day_when_she_hit_the/
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Only 1 letter separates ‘champ’ from ‘chump’..

..and it’s U.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ilok/only_1_letter_separates_champ_from_chump/
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;

it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely." "This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ilf4/a_woman_and_a_man_are_involved_in_a_car_accident/
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What’s green and comes in April?

Donatello

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7iith/whats_green_and_comes_in_april/
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Why is Santa Claus' sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7i6qt/why_is_santa_claus_sack_so_big/
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7i3or/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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When I was a teenager nobody told me what a hymen was

I had to finger it out for myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7hv75/when_i_was_a_teenager_nobody_told_me_what_a_hymen/
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PIZZA GUY: You’re total is $26.34

GIRL: I can’t afford that
PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way
GIRL : [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars
PORN DIRECTOR: Cut
Sauce : Twitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ht62/pizza_guy_youre_total_is_2634/
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What did the chemist say to her coworker who kept asking about her work with element 83?

"It's none of your bismuth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7hlpj/what_did_the_chemist_say_to_her_coworker_who_kept/
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I just read a book about clocks...

It was almost all second hand information.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7hlbv/i_just_read_a_book_about_clocks/
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Do you want to hear a dad joke about Christmas wrapping paper?

Nevermind, it's tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7hkrl/do_you_want_to_hear_a_dad_joke_about_christmas/
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A twist on your typical knock knock joke

My 4 YO niece told us this joke at dinner. She clearly doesn't understand the punchline.
Knock knock
Whos there?
Orange
Knock knock
Who's there?
Orange
Knock knock
Whos there?
Apple you glad I didn't say orange again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7hj4n/a_twist_on_your_typical_knock_knock_joke/
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What beverage do girls on Tinder drink during the winter?

Thot chocolate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7hguw/what_beverage_do_girls_on_tinder_drink_during_the/
%
A dad buys his son a halloween costume

-Dad,can I take the price tag off now?It's really annoying..
-No,keep it until we get home so we can really scare mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7he3c/a_dad_buys_his_son_a_halloween_costume/
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Can you graft skin from your backside onto another part of your body?

Ass skin for a friend...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7hdj9/can_you_graft_skin_from_your_backside_onto/
%
They say that ignorance is bliss,

but I don't know what either of those words mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7hcm6/they_say_that_ignorance_is_bliss/
%
There are only 2 words in life that will open a lot of doors for you...

Push & pull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7hb5o/there_are_only_2_words_in_life_that_will_open_a/
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Three friends talking about their dogs.

So there were three friends talking about the intelligence of their dogs, to which one says:
My shepherd dog not only took care of my sheep when I left but also sheared them once a year.
The next says:
Ha! Mine was so smart that all he left to do was to bark.
The third sobbing says:
Dog? My dog was the very best...
Did he died? Said the other two.
He died electrocuted.
A ray?
No, he was fixing the damn TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7hait/three_friends_talking_about_their_dogs/
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RALPH AND EDNA

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7h3sv/ralph_and_edna/
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What’s an antivaxx kid’s biggest enemy?

Their parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7gwxg/whats_an_antivaxx_kids_biggest_enemy/
%
A sink cant open a door

Let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7gvti/a_sink_cant_open_a_door/
%
My friend was in an old movie about guns

It is now a Colt Classic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7gup7/my_friend_was_in_an_old_movie_about_guns/
%
Little Jonny was sitting at the rear of his English class

The teacher asked if anyone could give a sentence with the word indefinitely
Jonny sticks his hand high up in the air and says ‘pick me, pick me’ the teacher thinks to herself, he’s a rude little bastard, I’m not picking him and picks Mary
Mary stands up and says ‘My brother is really sick and will be away from school indefinitely’. ‘Very good Mary’ says the teacher ‘Who’s next’
Once again little Jonny sticks his hand up shouting ‘pick me, pick me’ and again the teacher refuses and picks Tim
Tim stands up and says ‘Bus drivers are on strike at the moment and buses are cancelled indefinitely’. ‘Well done Tim’ says the teacher ‘anyone else? This time, there were no other takers, only Jonny shouting loudly from the back, so the teacher has no choice, ‘okay Jonny, tell us your sentence’
Jonny stands up, thrusting his waist back and forth and says ‘As my balls slapped on her arse, I knew that I was in definitely’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7gslk/little_jonny_was_sitting_at_the_rear_of_his/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7gpo2/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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What would happen if the United States switched from imperial to metric units overnight?

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7gojk/what_would_happen_if_the_united_states_switched/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7go8k/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
As a trucker stops at a red light

, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Montana and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7go1b/as_a_trucker_stops_at_a_red_light/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7gnqx/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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What do you call a reference to the Eye of Sauron?

An optical allusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7gmbj/what_do_you_call_a_reference_to_the_eye_of_sauron/
%
To make a Real sponge cake

Borrow all the ingredients.........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7glzw/to_make_a_real_sponge_cake/
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The fastest thing in the world

Three friends are discussing about the fastest thing in the world:
The first says: I believe that the fastest thing in the world is lightning; When it falls from the sky, it goes down so fast that you do not even see it.
The second says: I think the fastest thing is light, because when you get to your house and you press the switch to turn it on, you press and instantly, without realizing it is on.
And the third sentence: Well, I think there is something faster than lightning and light.
The other two ask: And what is it?
-Diarrhea. One night I was in the field and suddenly my stomach twisted; I came to my house like lightning and when I turned on the light, I had already shit in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7gl1h/the_fastest_thing_in_the_world/
%
A man walks into a bar with his dog

The bartender says: "sorry sir, but we don't allow dogs here"
The man replies: "wait, my dog is special. You see, he can talk"
The bartender is doubtful, so the man turns to his dog and says: "alright buddy, what goes on top of a house?"
The dog replies: "Roof!"
The man asks again, "what covers the outside of a tree?"
To which the dog replies: "Bark!"
Finally, the man asks his dog who the best baseball player of all time is.
"Ruth!", Says the dog.
"Get out of here, those are just normal dog noises! Your dog doesn't actually talk," says the bartender. The man leaves with his dog and heads home.
On the way back, the dog turns to the man and asks: "should I have said DiMaggio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7gigs/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_dog/
%
My mate David lost his ID.

Now he’s just Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7gbyj/my_mate_david_lost_his_id/
%
Give a man duck and you feed him for a day

teach a man to duck and he can protect himself from low flying objects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7gapf/give_a_man_duck_and_you_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
A small tree is talking to a larger tree.

The small tree asks, “why did the chicken cross the road?”
Just then a lumberjack comes over and chops the large tree down.
The large tree then says, “I don’t know, I’m stumped.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7g5zs/a_small_tree_is_talking_to_a_larger_tree/
%
I saw M. Night Shyamalan at a dancing competition today.

What a twist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7g5jh/i_saw_m_night_shyamalan_at_a_dancing_competition/
%
Why have elephants got big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7g0r2/why_have_elephants_got_big_ears/
%
Why don’t igloos have corners?

Corners are 90 degrees, the igloo would melt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7fxqp/why_dont_igloos_have_corners/
%
Imagine getting a vacuum cleaner for Christmas

That would suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7fvp4/imagine_getting_a_vacuum_cleaner_for_christmas/
%
My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now."

Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born!?"
"No." I replied. "I got his girlfriend pregnant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7fuvu/my_wife_walked_in_on_an_argument_between_our_son/
%
I got fired from my job at the Orange juice factory.

I just couldn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7fugb/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_orange_juice/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on me before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ftnu/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
Hnestly, I dn't like typing the 15th letter f the alphabet

I think it's a little o pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7fs3s/hnestly_i_dnt_like_typing_the_15th_letter_f_the/
%
My gran just walked in on me masturbating.

She was so shocked she had a stroke,
What lovely soft old hands she has.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7fq7e/my_gran_just_walked_in_on_me_masturbating/
%
Are you a toaster?

Because I wanna get in the bath with you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7fp73/are_you_a_toaster/
%
Saying Gullible Slowly Enough Makes It Sound Like "Lemon"

It's really weird,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7fo3j/saying_gullible_slowly_enough_makes_it_sound_like/
%
What essential oil works best for getting rid of people?

Pepper spray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7fnlc/what_essential_oil_works_best_for_getting_rid_of/
%
First Rule Of Dunning-Kruger Club:

You don't know you are in Dunning-Kruger Club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7flza/first_rule_of_dunningkruger_club/
%
I’ve been in jail for 20 minutes and I’ve already been raped 3 times...

I should probably stop playing monopoly with my uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7fli7/ive_been_in_jail_for_20_minutes_and_ive_already/
%
I'm thinking of opening a Carribean/Korean fusion restaurant

I can call it "Seoul Food"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7fhn0/im_thinking_of_opening_a_carribeankorean_fusion/
%
I hate coffee jokes...

they aren't my cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7fhe4/i_hate_coffee_jokes/
%
Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?

…   He was picking his nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7fbta/why_was_the_snowman_looking_through_the_carrots/
%
I finally made a table out of my old car tires.

It took a good year or two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7f6aj/i_finally_made_a_table_out_of_my_old_car_tires/
%
I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents

It's a gift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7f5wa/i_have_a_talent_where_i_can_see_inside_wrapped/
%
Somebody stole my generator and I can’t do anything about it.

I feel so powerless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7f4pc/somebody_stole_my_generator_and_i_cant_do/
%
Donald Trump has finally made one thing in America great again.

Saturday Night Live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7f1ua/donald_trump_has_finally_made_one_thing_in/
%
Blonde girl got all exited after she finally completed a jigsaw puzzle after 3 years, I said why are you so excited?

She said it says 5 to 8 years on the box...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7eutk/blonde_girl_got_all_exited_after_she_finally/
%
A tourist walks into a Spanish restaurant

. While he’s waiting for his waiter, he sees a man in another booth eating a plate of 2, giant meatballs. He asks the waiter
“I’ll have what he’s having”
The waiter replies
“I’m sorry señor but those are the testicles of the bull that was killed in the arena this week. You need to pre-order those”
so next week he calls the restaurant and orders the testicles of the bull that was killed in this weeks arena battle.
When he gets to the restaurant he gets his meal, but the meatballs are much, much smaller than last week’s.
He asks the waiter why
“Well you see señor, sometimes, in the arena, the bull wins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7eudi/a_tourist_walks_into_a_spanish_restaurant/
%
A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.
“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.
“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.
The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.
“Oh God. I’m sorry. Here — your first two are on me.” He hands the man two bottles of beer.
“Thank you, I appreciate that.” The man and his dog make their way to a table near the front door and he grabs a seat.
A little while later, another man enters the bar with a chihuahua.
The first man stops him: “The bartender is going to give you shit about your dog. Tell him it’s your seeing-eye dog and he’ll feel so bad that he’ll buy your first few rounds!”
“Thanks!” replies the second man. He wanders up to the bar and orders a beer.
“I’m sorry, sir. We don’t allow dogs in here.”
“It’s my seeing-eye dog.”
The barender’s face wrinkles into confusion. He says, “Ehhh, I don’t think so. They don’t make seeing-eye dogs out of chihuahuas.”
“FUCK! They gave me a chihuahua?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7efg8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_labrador/
%
A man is talking to his friend at the bar

"When I get home, I'm going straight upstairs and tearing the wife's knickers off."
"Ooh," his friend says. "Feeling randy?"
"No," the man replies. "The elastic's killing me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ec0b/a_man_is_talking_to_his_friend_at_the_bar/
%
I can count on one hand the number of times I have been to Chernobyl.

Seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ebrn/i_can_count_on_one_hand_the_number_of_times_i/
%
Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head.

Mama asked the mom group and the mom group said: Have you tried essential oils?  I hear hyperactivity is a vaccine injury.  I'm calling CPS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ebnr/ten_little_monkeys_jumping_on_the_bed_one_fell/
%
My favorite vegetable...

I work at a grocery store. This kid comes up to me today and asks me what my favorite vegetable is.
“Cauliflower,” I tell him. “What about yours?”
“Grampa,” he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ebgk/my_favorite_vegetable/
%
Why doesn’t Ben Shapiro like winter time?

Because of the snowflakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7e9w9/why_doesnt_ben_shapiro_like_winter_time/
%
An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7e936/an_israeli_tourist_on_a_visit_to_new_york_city/
%
A man holding a slab of asphalt walked into a bar

He said "I'll take two beers, one for me and one for the road"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7e8xv/a_man_holding_a_slab_of_asphalt_walked_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a disappointing blue?

*sigh*-an

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7e8fc/what_do_you_call_a_disappointing_blue/
%
A jumper cable walked into a bar

The bartender said "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7e8cq/a_jumper_cable_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"
Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7e7h0/wife_was_cleaning_12_year_old_sons_bedroom/
%
I enjoy beating up orphans

What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7e5l4/i_enjoy_beating_up_orphans/
%
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"  She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7e0yj/a_woman_walks_into_a_drugstore_and_asks_the/
%
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.  Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge.  Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge.  "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.  "I drew two circles like this: o O.  Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison... '"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7dzbj/two_young_guys_appear_in_court_after_being/
%
Are you a bar of soap?

Because while you may be clean, you’re still basic as hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7dye5/are_you_a_bar_of_soap/
%
The helping nurse

While riding my bike, to avoid hitting another vehicle, I lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.  I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when, a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed, she wants to help me.. "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage  on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come on, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very kind. Being sort of shaken , I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold drinks and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, " Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess.", I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7dy3p/the_helping_nurse/
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Teacher : Why didn't you come to the school yesterday?

Student : My dad is in the hospital
1 week later..
Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital?
Student : Yes, he is a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7dxzb/teacher_why_didnt_you_come_to_the_school_yesterday/
%
Wht do you get when you cross anti-vaxxers and Santa?

Make-a-wish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7dvg1/wht_do_you_get_when_you_cross_antivaxxers_and/
%
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7duqr/how_do_you_know_if_you_have_a_high_sperm_count/
%
What did the uncertain, Amish philosopher say?

I think, therefore I am-ish...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7dk11/what_did_the_uncertain_amish_philosopher_say/
%
I'm going to be a DJ at a retirement home this weekend.

With an average age of 81 years old, will the song "Last Christmas" be inappropriate?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7dic0/im_going_to_be_a_dj_at_a_retirement_home_this/
%
A professor noticed Dave was getting a lot of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Dave, is that you?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7dh3i/a_professor_noticed_dave_was_getting_a_lot_of/
%
Saint Joseph said “Jesus, close the door behind you. Were you born in a barn?”

“Whatever! You’re not my real dad!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7dg28/saint_joseph_said_jesus_close_the_door_behind_you/
%
I'm only a few inches away from having a gigantic cock.

I thought to myself as I stood naked in the prison showers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7df7k/im_only_a_few_inches_away_from_having_a_gigantic/
%
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?

A napkin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7dbyf/what_do_you_call_a_sleeping_paper_towel/
%
What was the name of the Greek hero that was punished by the gods for gluttony?

Diabetes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7d9ka/what_was_the_name_of_the_greek_hero_that_was/
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What do you call a group of snob comedians?

r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7d4l1/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_snob_comedians/
%
I ate a clock once...

It was very time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7d4hk/i_ate_a_clock_once/
%
They say 9/10 men like women with big breasts.

The last one probably likes the other 9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7d0py/they_say_910_men_like_women_with_big_breasts/
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If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds you will have a nice warm meal

Plus they could have whatever you were making in the slow cooker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7cznl/if_you_die_while_making_food_in_a_slow_cooker/
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I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman...

Thinking it over, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7coct/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once_an_hour_later_i/
%
Three guys were talking to each other in a bar

"Hey guys I think I might have the smallest arms" says one. "I think I have the smallest head" says another. "I got you both beat I think I have the smallest penis" said the third. "Lets see if we can get in the Guinness book of world records" says the first.
A little while later the first guy comes out of the Records office and says "Guys I just got the Guinness world record for smallest arms!". The second guy goes in and comes out later and says" I just got in the book for the smallest head." The third guy goes in and when he comes out he looks angry and says to the others "Who the fuck is Piers Morgan?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7cljf/three_guys_were_talking_to_each_other_in_a_bar/
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What do you call it when a homosexual sells government secrets?

Lesbianage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7cgh4/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_homosexual_sells/
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A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"  The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!"  The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don’t know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn’t know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well... what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says…go to hell... that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7cfi8/a_mafia_godfather_accompanied_by_his_attorney/
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For Christmas, I only bought my girlfriend a T-Shirt and a dildo.

If she doesn’t like the T-Shirt she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7c5ld/for_christmas_i_only_bought_my_girlfriend_a/
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According to Jewish theology, at what point does a fetus become a person?

When they finish med school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7c547/according_to_jewish_theology_at_what_point_does_a/
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What do you call a flying monkey?

A hot air baboon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7c11r/what_do_you_call_a_flying_monkey/
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My heart’s been having some problems...

Nevermind. It stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bzv3/my_hearts_been_having_some_problems/
%
A couple comes home to find their kitchen completely bare.

All their fixtures and appliances are missing. Suddenly they hear a knock at the door.
They open the door to find their oven waiting on the porch. It begins to speak, "I have come to life and have cooked you both your favourite meals!"
They let their now-living oven back into the house where they enjoy a delicious banquet of a meal.
Then there is another knock on the door. On the doorstep, they see their fridge who also begins to speak. "Please let me inside, I have prepared delicious cocktails for you with the finest ingredients."
They allow their fridge entry into their home where they enjoy the best drinks they've had in their lives.
The couple can't believe their luck. They take a moment to reflect on the strange events of the evening. They then shift their focus to the empty glasses and dirty dishes, the aftermath of their elaborate feast. They then hear another knock at the door.
Let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bvuk/a_couple_comes_home_to_find_their_kitchen/
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What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bvkq/whats_the_downside_to_cumming_on_the_face_of_the/
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Why was the 4 year old child of the anti-vaxer crying?

Mid-life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bu6g/why_was_the_4_year_old_child_of_the_antivaxer/
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If your left leg is Christmas and your right leg is New Year...

can i visit you between holidays?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bteg/if_your_left_leg_is_christmas_and_your_right_leg/
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TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bs0g/til_that_on_average_humans_eat_more_bananas_than/
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My sex life is like the show Magic Schoolbus

I take chances, make mistakes, and get messy.
Also, it's completely fictional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7brxm/my_sex_life_is_like_the_show_magic_schoolbus/
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When I found out my girlfriend got pregnant I started thinking about all sorts of names.

I chose Juan Carlos and thought of running to Mexico.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7brwo/when_i_found_out_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_i/
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There’s a guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter

It’s pretty nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bruz/theres_a_guy_going_around_dipping_his_testicles/
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What do you call a clown who never sits down?

A stand-up comedian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bqgv/what_do_you_call_a_clown_who_never_sits_down/
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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bo1i/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
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Hopefully 6ix9ine spends life in prison

that way we can finally make a mumble rapper finish a sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bngg/hopefully_6ix9ine_spends_life_in_prison/
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A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger.

The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?
The man says yes! My first blowjob!
The bartender says congrats! Why 10?
The man says if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bjsa/a_man_goes_to_a_bar_and_orders_10_shots_of_jaeger/
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Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 20% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bixa/why_do_jewish_men_get_circumcised/
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The news reports of a Polish terrorist who tried to blow up a bus...

Poor guy...burned his lips on the exhaust pipe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bihx/the_news_reports_of_a_polish_terrorist_who_tried/
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A guy walks past a dog that is licking his balls

He says to his friend I wish I could do that.
He said go ahead.  He looks friendly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bhi7/a_guy_walks_past_a_dog_that_is_licking_his_balls/
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Surprise!

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night. The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.
When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.
The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: " SUPPLIES ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bfv9/surprise/
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I hired a prostitute to do my accounting work

She failed miserably, but it's the thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bdiy/i_hired_a_prostitute_to_do_my_accounting_work/
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Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bcuf/doctor_handing_me_my_new_born_baby_im_sorry_but/
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My wife said that I need to take my porn addiction more seriously.

So now I always wear a suit and tie when I masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bcts/my_wife_said_that_i_need_to_take_my_porn/
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Moving on!

I say Inertia is a bad thing... don’t let it slow you down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bckn/moving_on/
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The PornHub workers have one of the most riskiest jobs.

After all their jobs are NSFW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7bah5/the_pornhub_workers_have_one_of_the_most_riskiest/
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The man knows his scotch!

A man walks into a bar and asks for 40 year old scotch whisky.
The bartender says "I'll see what I can find in the back"
He emerges from the back only a few minutes later with a glass and gives it to the man. He takes a sip and, "I asked for 40 year old whisky. This is only 12 year old."
Impressed that the man could tell the difference he goes into the back once again. Gone for longer than last time, he comes back with another glass and hands it to the man. He sniffs the contents of the glass and takes a sip.
This!" The man says, clearly frustrated. "Isn't 40 years old either. You've given me 20 year old whisky"
Astonished, the bartender tries to calm the man down. A stranger approaches the disgruntled man with a glass of his own.
"That's mighty impressive. Try this" he says handing him the glass.
Without smelling the contents, he knocks back the glass.
The man quickly spits out the liquid and shouts. "That's piss!"
"Correct." the stranger says. "Now tell me. How old am?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7b7se/the_man_knows_his_scotch/
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I really like animal puns.

I know it sounds weird, but just bear with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7b5ny/i_really_like_animal_puns/
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Dung Beetle

A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, "Yo, is this stool taken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7b5b5/dung_beetle/
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I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7b4oi/i_recently_began_selling_faulty_jetpacks_to/
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At a first date

He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7b48e/at_a_first_date/
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Two brothers running a farm...

One brother walks into the barn and notices his brother dancing in front of the tractor. Quietly he walks closer and peaks around the corner notices his brother slowly taking off his shirt while dancing.
He interrupts his dancing brother and asks what is he doing.
The dancing brother shockingly and quickly puts his shirt back on and says...
I went to the doctors because we're having marital problems and the doctor told me to do something sexy to attract her. (a tractor)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7b0h1/two_brothers_running_a_farm/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ay17/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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Why are Americans so stupid?

Because we shoot the ones who go to school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7attc/why_are_americans_so_stupid/
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What did the anti-vaxxer say during the school shooting?

No shots for me, please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7atpg/what_did_the_antivaxxer_say_during_the_school/
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A hole was discovered in the fence surrounding the local nudist colony

Police are looking into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7appt/a_hole_was_discovered_in_the_fence_surrounding/
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I had a friend that was really good at russian roulette

He only lost once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7aoyf/i_had_a_friend_that_was_really_good_at_russian/
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"Why can't I feel my legs?" asked the patient

The doctor replied, "Because your arms have been blown off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ajrw/why_cant_i_feel_my_legs_asked_the_patient/
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Kids! Don't buy drugs.

Become a rock star, they'll give 'em to you for free!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7aiq9/kids_dont_buy_drugs/
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Why are cannibals so angry ?

They're fed up with people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ain5/why_are_cannibals_so_angry/
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What is marriage really like?

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner... unannounced at 7:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?
Husband: Because he is thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ahv1/what_is_marriage_really_like/
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3 guys and 3 nuns are at a baseball game.

The 3 guys are sitting behind the nuns and they can't see over the habits the nuns are wearing. Irritated, one of the guys says, "you know, I'm gonna move to Wyoming. I hear there are only 100 nuns there."
The second guy says "I'm gonna move to Nevada. There are only 50 nuns there."
The third guy says "I'm moving to Arizona. There are only 25 nuns there."
The head nun stands up, turns around and says "you should go to hell, there are no nuns there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7ah4c/3_guys_and_3_nuns_are_at_a_baseball_game/
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Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7aemz/kid_waahhh_dad_my_toy_is_broken_dad_nothing_that/
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Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician.....

It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7aega/bad_part_about_being_a_bomb_disposal_technician/
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The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart.

The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7aedv/the_first_thing_a_man_looks_at_in_a_woman_is_her/
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What did the ghost say to the bee?

Boo bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7abql/what_did_the_ghost_say_to_the_bee/
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Why did the phone need glasses?

Because it lost all its contacts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7a9bm/why_did_the_phone_need_glasses/
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My matrix story

100% true story
I was in college when the first matrix movie came out, but didn’t get around to see it yet. The matrix screensavers took over every computer and all I saw were the floating green symbols. You know the one. You move the mouse and your desktop shows up. Well I finally got around to see the movie at the student union and because it was a student union the crowd was rowdy and talkative. Well the scene with the character showing Neo what the matrix looks like comes on, and I was so confused. So I yelled out, “Move the damn mouse”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7a5hr/my_matrix_story/
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A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the funeral, the priest mutters, “Good god! They’re finally together!’
A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”
The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7a1ju/a_woman_marries_a_man_and_has_10_children_the_man/
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What’s the difference between a marshmallow and a vegan boyfriend?

The marshmallow will eventually get hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a79wvj/whats_the_difference_between_a_marshmallow_and_a/
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What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a79k3l/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
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Police apprehended a shady exterminator who releases pests into client's homes

They caught him fleaing the scene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a79f7y/police_apprehended_a_shady_exterminator_who/
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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a79eo2/my_favorite_joke_everyone_knows_dave/
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What does the White House use when their fax machine breaks?

Alternative fax

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a798p5/what_does_the_white_house_use_when_their_fax/
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A masochist asks a sadist, “Please hurt me”.

“No” replies the sadist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a798hf/a_masochist_asks_a_sadist_please_hurt_me/
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Glass coffins: will they ever become popular?

Remains to be seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a798bk/glass_coffins_will_they_ever_become_popular/
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There were three electrons going on a tour

Of Rhode Island. They are walking around happily when the police came and arrested one of them.
Despite protests from his friends , he was thrown across the state borders and asked to never come back. But him being a sport sneaked back across that night itself.
The next day, they were having lunch when the same policeman came and threw one of the across the border. Not to be left behind, he crawled back across in the middle of the night.
Now on the third day, the electrons are very careful. They sneak around all day but just before they could get back to the hotel , the same policeman caught them again. This time, they were ready
Before the policeman throw one of them out, they demanded to know why this Injustice is being meted out to them.
"Well you see", the policeman grumbled .
"Only 2 electrons are permitted in the smallest state"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a794ac/there_were_three_electrons_going_on_a_tour/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a792qt/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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Why did the Jews in Germany not establish an organization against the Holocaust?

There was too little interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7928f/why_did_the_jews_in_germany_not_establish_an/
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Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash?

Because he didn't knead it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a790qi/why_did_the_baker_throw_a_loaf_in_the_trash/
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Year 2108 :A guy writes a suicide note on a paper

_Can't find a tree to hang_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a790gl/year_2108_a_guy_writes_a_suicide_note_on_a_paper/
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Frog wants a million dollar loan

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says
"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"
"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"
"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I know the manager."
The teller is understandably taken aback by this, and asks if the frog has any collateral to cover this.
"As a matter of fact, I do!" says the frog, and he reaches into his pocket and hands over a tiny ceramic elephant.
"What?!" says the teller, "This is garbage! I can't take this!"
"Well, take it up with my father then!" The frog retorts.
"Oh yeah, and who might that be?" The teller is quickly getting more and more annoyed at the frog.
"Why, it's Keith Richards!" The frog is waiting impatiently, tapping his toe on the ground. "Now, can I have that loan or not?"
"Wait right here" the teller says, as she storms into the back room, looking for her manager.
"There's a frog out there who claims to know you, and wants a million dollar loan. He claims his  father his Keith Richards! He even gave me this as collateral," she  says, holding up the elephant. "I mean, what even is this?"
The  manager takes a look at the elephant and replies "It's a knick knack,  Paddy Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a78w6f/frog_wants_a_million_dollar_loan/
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What would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in back?

A-MEGA-SORE-ASS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a78ua7/what_would_you_get_if_a_dinosaur_kicked_you_in/
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I texted my wife...

"Darling, I'm at the pub having my last beer, I'll be home in 20 minutes. If I'm not, read the message again..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a78spq/i_texted_my_wife/
%
My heart is like a diamond

Cold, hard and has it's value artificially inflated because of a few select individuals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a78kew/my_heart_is_like_a_diamond/
%
But boss

Boss: Why are you late to work?
Me : My wife is pregnant
Boss: Oh, when will she deliver the baby?
Me: After 9 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a78c0t/but_boss/
%
Trying to find the girl of my dreams...

...But I struggle because I'm an insomniac.
(Not OC)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a78aug/trying_to_find_the_girl_of_my_dreams/
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Which weighs more - a tonne of steel or a tonne of feathers?

A tonne of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a788ye/which_weighs_more_a_tonne_of_steel_or_a_tonne_of/
%
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.

He has his hands full - the kid was screaming for candy, cookies... all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.”
He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.”
At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive.
So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!”
And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a787mm/i_was_at_the_deli_counter_behind_another_dad_and/
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Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.

Fetus Repeatus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a784ua/very_few_people_know_the_scientific_term_for/
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When you transgress the laws of men, you go to jail.

When you transgress the laws of God, you go to hell.
When you transgress the laws of physics, you go to Stockholm to receive a Nobel price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7826d/when_you_transgress_the_laws_of_men_you_go_to_jail/
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How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a77yyv/how_are_women_and_tornadoes_alike/
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Sitting with my shoes off next to a warm campfire eating corn chips.

Tostitos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a77tm9/sitting_with_my_shoes_off_next_to_a_warm_campfire/
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Last night, I had to change a lightbulb.

A bit later on, I crossed the road and walked into a bar. I realized my life was a big joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a77s2a/last_night_i_had_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
They say to win a girl’s heart, you need to make her laugh.

That’s why my first move is always a dick pic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a77q1l/they_say_to_win_a_girls_heart_you_need_to_make/
%
A radio host was taking a break during his podcast when he realized that someone stole his motorcycle from the station's parking lot.

The radio host took the mic and started yelling:
"To the people who stole my motorcycle this morning, you have 4 hours to bring it back to me or I'll do to you the same thing my dad did in 1999 when someone stole his car!"
Only 30 minutes had passed when 2 guys showed up to the radio station with the bike.
Thief: Sorry about that, I don't know what we were thinking, it won't happen again.
Radio host: You brought my motorcycle back so that's all that matters.
Thief: I'm curious though, what would you have done if we hadn't brought back the bike?
Radio host: Oh, well like I said, I would've done the same thing my dad did. I would've walked back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a77oh7/a_radio_host_was_taking_a_break_during_his/
%
I only knock up antivaxxers.

Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a77f88/i_only_knock_up_antivaxxers/
%
What do you get a slav for a birthday present?

A squat rack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a77e70/what_do_you_get_a_slav_for_a_birthday_present/
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A man goes to the doctor with both cheeks burnt.

Doctor asks what happened ?
Man says - I was ironing my clothes , and suddenly the baby started crying , seeing this my dog started barking and hearing him bark , my wife started screaming ..... there was so much chaos in the room and suddenly my best friend called on my home phone and instead of answering the phone , I answered the iron.
Doctor - ok , that explains the left side, what about the right one ?
Man - the bastard called again when I didn’t pick up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a77de0/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_with_both_cheeks_burnt/
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I only lost 1.6 lbs while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.

I guess I'm not as full of shit as I thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a77c8f/i_only_lost_16_lbs_while_taking_laxatives_for_a/
%
I was at a bar the other day, when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled, "DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?!" I yelled back, "I KNOW THE ENTIRE ALPHABET!" and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed...

Well, except for this one guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a77940/i_was_at_a_bar_the_other_day_when_all_of_a_sudden/
%
Driving is like League of Legends

Everyone but me is fucking terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a770hc/driving_is_like_league_of_legends/
%
What's the difference between a rental car and a Jeep?

There are some places you wouldn't take a Jeep.
(I mean taking it off road and abusing it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76ykb/whats_the_difference_between_a_rental_car_and_a/
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Bad Dad Joke:

Q: Did you hear two University Geologists broke off their engagement?
A:  the relationship was rocky from the start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76xxq/bad_dad_joke/
%
Why are the women and children evacuated first?

So we can die in peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76xkh/why_are_the_women_and_children_evacuated_first/
%
A farmer buys 100 baby chickens.

A week later, he comes back to buy 100 more.
A week after that, he comes back to buy yet another 100 baby chickens.
Finally, when he came back for yet another 100 chickens, someone finally stopped him and said “Excuse me sir, I noticed you’ve been here every week buying chickens. How’s your business?”
“Not too great,” replied the farmer. “I think I’m either burying them too deep or watering them too much.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76shg/a_farmer_buys_100_baby_chickens/
%
In the distance, I could see my friend kissing a girl, who looked really into it.

I couldn't really tell who the woman was.
All I know is, they're someone I can't make out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76qwz/in_the_distance_i_could_see_my_friend_kissing_a/
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Mickey stands before the judge...

Mr. Mouse, I am sorry but you can not divorce your wife Minnie because she is, as you say, extremely silly. Mickey buries his head in his glove and exclaims, “ NO! I said she was fucking goofy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76nal/mickey_stands_before_the_judge/
%
My school was performing the Vagina Monologues last week...

I knew something fishy was going on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76msj/my_school_was_performing_the_vagina_monologues/
%
Why does the mouse never get along with other animals?

Not sure really, I guess they don't click

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76lpb/why_does_the_mouse_never_get_along_with_other/
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A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms. After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story.. killed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76ilp/a_man_was_deathly_allergic_to_mushrooms_after_a/
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The Ultimate Joke:

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.
A  man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and  runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court,  and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the  executioner approaches him.
"What would you like for your last meal?"
"I would like a banana please."
The  executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The  guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric  chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of  divine intervention means you get released.
A  few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new  company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2  people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he  ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last  time approaches him.
"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"
"Two bananas please."
The  executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but  whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip  the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.
Some  time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few  months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with  a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third  time.
"Let me guess. Three bananas?"
"Actually yes! How did you know?"
"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."
So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.
"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"
"Its not the bananas. *I'm a bad conductor.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76i5t/the_ultimate_joke/
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Sometimes i like to masturbate a long word into my sentences...

Even if i don’t technically know what it means.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76hft/sometimes_i_like_to_masturbate_a_long_word_into/
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I saw that joke about a radio on this subreddit a few days ago, and decided to use it on some of my colleagues

It got good reception every time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76h4l/i_saw_that_joke_about_a_radio_on_this_subreddit_a/
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What did Santa bring to the potluck?

Slaw la la la laaa, la la la laaaaaa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76gy9/what_did_santa_bring_to_the_potluck/
%
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76ggn/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_mathematician_are/
%
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.

He says he can stop any time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76gdg/i_know_a_guy_whos_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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What does a clock do when it's still hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76ea2/what_does_a_clock_do_when_its_still_hungry/
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Beyond just the name, Moby Dick was still totally gay

He swallowed a lot of seamen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a76dhh/beyond_just_the_name_moby_dick_was_still_totally/
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If Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump fell off a cliff who would be saved?

America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a769rb/if_hilary_clinton_and_donald_trump_fell_off_a/
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A retired Florida man was jailed for refusing to nap...

...he was resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7683v/a_retired_florida_man_was_jailed_for_refusing_to/
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How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7671f/how_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
%
What did Santa’s sleigh cost?

Nothing, It was on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a765sx/what_did_santas_sleigh_cost/
%
“He looks just like his grandfather”—- a sweet thing to say about a new baby in most parts of the world.

In Alabama, it’s an accusation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a75xcs/he_looks_just_like_his_grandfather_a_sweet_thing/
%
What's Thanos' favorite drink?

Half & Half

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a75x7b/whats_thanos_favorite_drink/
%
It really annoys me when people put swear words at the end of their joke just to make it funny.

Cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a75uy7/it_really_annoys_me_when_people_put_swear_words/
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Jack Black, Kyle Gass, and a horse walk into a bar

They sit down, order drinks, have a little bit of conversation.
The bartender is having a great time. The boys are funny, Jack Black is more charming in person than he has been in recent days. They're having some light banter about this and that.
The bartender asks them, "So boys...what do you think is the best part of a woman? Tits, right?"
They said, "Neigh."
"We are butt men."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a75uw1/jack_black_kyle_gass_and_a_horse_walk_into_a_bar/
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It's okay to be white, black, straight or gay..

But it is never okay to stop at a yellow light when we both could have made it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a75ss4/its_okay_to_be_white_black_straight_or_gay/
%
Why do some fish swim in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a75pyx/why_do_some_fish_swim_in_salt_water/
%
A magician is on a boat.

He performs nightly and there just so happens to  be a parrot in the audience. The parrot notices how he does the tricks so he calls out, "Its in his sleeve. Its in his pocket!." One night the ship hits an iceberg and the magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot. After two days of staring at each other not saying anything the parrot says, "I give, where's the boat?"                                  (I'm on mobile so its not as good as I would have hoped.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a75pbt/a_magician_is_on_a_boat/
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Magician: Is this your card?

Mom: OMG yes!!
Magician: It’s been declined.  Do you have another way to pay the deposit for the birthday party?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a75iij/magician_is_this_your_card/
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I wish I could be like Jesus Christ...

That son of a bitch retired in his early 30's!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a75hr4/i_wish_i_could_be_like_jesus_christ/
%
A woman's husband dies unexpectedly, and as per his wishes, she has him cremated.

Once she gets home, she sets his urn on their patio table. "Honey, there are so many things I wish I could have told you before you had passed." she says. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'll do my best to say them all now."
She sits down in a chair, chin propped on her hands. "Remember when I asked you for a silver bracelet for my birthday, and you got me a toaster instead, after buying yourself a new golf club? I used your life insurance money to buy a much more expensive bracelet."
She takes the lid off of the urn. "Remember when I asked you to buy a nice sedan, and instead, you bought that ridiculous two-door Porsche? I traded that car towards a much nicer Cadillac."
She tilts the urn, dumping his ashes all over the table. "Remember when we were supposed to be saving for our anniversary cruise, and you used the money to buy your girlfriend a matching set of jewelry instead?" she says, tracing a finger through his ashes. "That's right, I know about Stacy from the billing department. Well, I left a note with your boss about where she got such expensive accessories from, and last I heard, they terminated her on the spot."
She leans over the ashes. "Oh, and remember that blowjob you were always begging me for?" she asks, taking a deep breath. "Well, here it comes..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a75fyf/a_womans_husband_dies_unexpectedly_and_as_per_his/
%
What is a kid with asthma's favorite band?

Weezer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a75feg/what_is_a_kid_with_asthmas_favorite_band/
%
Why do Dasher and Dancer get extra coffee breaks?

Because they’re Santa’s star bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a75b1u/why_do_dasher_and_dancer_get_extra_coffee_breaks/
%
A frog goes into a bank

and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She
holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" ?
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a759zc/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
%
What's a boxer's favorite drink?

**Punch.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a757q3/whats_a_boxers_favorite_drink/
%
If you went to a strip club at lunchtime and it wasn't open, would the sign on the door say...

"SORRY, WE'RE CLOTHED"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a755yj/if_you_went_to_a_strip_club_at_lunchtime_and_it/
%
In Mesopotamia when men decided to abandon their wives and children…

Do you think they said they were just going out for for ziggurats?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a75497/in_mesopotamia_when_men_decided_to_abandon_their/
%
What's brits' favourite porn genre?

BBC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a74u1h/whats_brits_favourite_porn_genre/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as the alter boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a74o3c/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
It's so cold I can....

see my farts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a74npv/its_so_cold_i_can/
%
What's the difference between a brown-noser and a shithead?

Depth perception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a74ld0/whats_the_difference_between_a_brownnoser_and_a/
%
What do you call a heated conversation between two fisherman?

Debait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a74e9d/what_do_you_call_a_heated_conversation_between/
%
Epileptic Santa!

He seizures when you’re sleeping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a74beo/epileptic_santa/
%
Daddy Daddy! There's a man at the door selling ugly faces!

Tell him you already have one son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7495l/daddy_daddy_theres_a_man_at_the_door_selling_ugly/
%
What do you call Finland's borders

The Finnish line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a741cq/what_do_you_call_finlands_borders/
%
I’m planning a charity event for women with no legs...

....The place is going to be crawling with pussy!
(Sorry if this has been posted before. New to the page.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a741b5/im_planning_a_charity_event_for_women_with_no_legs/
%
“I had sex while I was camping“ - “Let me guess ...

... it was fucking in tents?“ - “Extremely intense! And I was told animal abuse, too.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a741ab/i_had_sex_while_i_was_camping_let_me_guess/
%
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?

Oh, high marks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a740hx/what_kind_of_grades_did_tommy_wiseau_get_in_school/
%
Offset needs to leave her alone and just let Cardi.... B

I’ll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73ydz/offset_needs_to_leave_her_alone_and_just_let/
%
Should have kept his mouth shut.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz GT, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well .  You started it . “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73w3x/should_have_kept_his_mouth_shut/
%
A guy goes shopping with his wife.

"Here's £10." She says. "Ill meet you in the pub, in an hour".
Just outside the pub a prostitute stops him and asks if he'd "like a good time".
"Just out of interest..." he says. "How much is it?"
"Well it's £100 for full-sex, £50 for a blowjob and £20 for a handjob."
"I'm afraid I will have to pass. I only have £10." says the man.
"You won't get much for a tenner." says the prostitute, as he enters the pub.
In the pub, he orders a pint of lager and sits down to watch the match.
50 minutes later, as he is finishing his 2nd pint, his wife walks in, and tells him it's time to go home. As he leave the pub with his wife, he sees the prostitute, again, who looks at him with sorry eyes and says, "I told you, you wouldn't get much for £10."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73vvu/a_guy_goes_shopping_with_his_wife/
%
What do you call an organized criminal in hot water?

Mobster bisque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73pbg/what_do_you_call_an_organized_criminal_in_hot/
%
My brother has a vegan girlfriend...

...but I haven't actually met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73pa3/my_brother_has_a_vegan_girlfriend/
%
I borrowed a book from the library the other day..

..it was all about surgery.
It wasn't until I got home that I realised someone had taken the appendix out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73oml/i_borrowed_a_book_from_the_library_the_other_day/
%
Walking down a quiet road the other day, I noticed there was a house on fire and people screaming inside.

So I ran up to the front door and said, "How many of you are there?"
"Four!" shouted a man.
"What ages?" I shouted.
"40, 48, and two children, 12, and 3," the man screamed.
"Excellent," I replied. "Excellent."
"So what are you doing? Aren't you going to do anything? HELP!"
I yelled back, "Of course not, it's people like you that keep journalists like me alive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73o3k/walking_down_a_quiet_road_the_other_day_i_noticed/
%
Taxi driver and 3 drunk men

3 men get in a taxi while being heavily drunk , the taxi driver notices this and he thinks that he can pull a fast one on them
So he just turns on the car and then turns it off without moving it and he tells them that they arrived at the location .
The first guy gives him the money and goes outside , the second guy does the same but the third guy gives him a cheeky slap . The taxi driver gets nervous and thinks that the third guy knew what he was up to . After staring at him for 10 seconds the drunk man gives him the money and tells the taxi driver " next time drive slower , we almost died " .
(Sorry if this was a repost , this old joke came in my mind and i didnt know if a lot of people know this ( since i have read this in my native language which is not english )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73msl/taxi_driver_and_3_drunk_men/
%
What do you call a convention for communists?

CommieCon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73m6d/what_do_you_call_a_convention_for_communists/
%
They told me to save my soul i have to kill a virgin,

I committed suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73kqi/they_told_me_to_save_my_soul_i_have_to_kill_a/
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The living forest

There once lived a monk who took care of a sentient forest. The queen of a neighboring country heard of this forest and wanted to see it for herself, so she traveled there to meet the monk and see his forest.
The monk, honored by his esteemed visitor, showed her around, one beautiful grove after another. But alas, too soon it was getting dark.
The monk pointed out a nearby bed of flowers and informed the queen, "This flowerbed makes an excellent place to sleep, should Your Majesty wish to stay the night."
The queen graciously accepted and lay down to sleep there as the monk left to take care of the forest.
Overnight, one of the trees died, and the nearby trees began to grieve.
When dawn broke, the monk was startled to hear a shriek of terror and rage, and to see the queen barreling out toward him.
"Your Majesty," he asked, "what happened? What's wrong?"
The queen glared at him angrily as she spoke. "Just because I slept in your bed does not mean I want to wake up to your mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73klj/the_living_forest/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got shot in the hand?

It hurt like hell, but on the other hand he's fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73jaz/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_shot_in_the/
%
Just realized Deer Balls are the cheapest meat!

They're under a buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73g4i/just_realized_deer_balls_are_the_cheapest_meat/
%
I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.

"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73fco/i_had_a_talk_about_porn_with_my_girlfriend/
%
What do call a Senior Citizen when they use a Computer?

Elder Scrolls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73eji/what_do_call_a_senior_citizen_when_they_use_a/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth ?

A gummy bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73d2u/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
A man rings at the door of a flat. A lady opens the door.

He: "Hello, I'm a piano tuner."
She: "But I didn't ask for a tuner."
He: "I know, but your neigbours did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73cl6/a_man_rings_at_the_door_of_a_flat_a_lady_opens/
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Police have warned that the Sudoku Killer is still at large and making threats

He will kill either 1, 4, or 9 people today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a73ax3/police_have_warned_that_the_sudoku_killer_is/
%
How do you organize a space party?

You planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a739cv/how_do_you_organize_a_space_party/
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Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum
Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a738zd/why_are_dogs_afraid_to_go_to_space/
%
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”
“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!”
“Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.”
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!”
“Stay here and stir the pasta,” says the mother.
“This is a job for Mama.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a733m7/maria_had_just_got_married_and_being_a/
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Have you had your "cabbage verification" yet?

You're not sure? Then let us check.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a731oo/have_you_had_your_cabbage_verification_yet/
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The World of Business

Did you ever notice how when someone offers you a penny for your thoughts, they're really just asking for your two cents?
\#TotallyNotAScam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a730zp/the_world_of_business/
%
I hate Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72z6t/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72y3i/my_3_watts_blue_laser_pointer_finally_arrived_and/
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My wife accused me of being immature

I told her to get out of my fort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72w1m/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
%
How hot is a circle?

360 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72v4h/how_hot_is_a_circle/
%
I called the doctor and said, “Hurry! My wife’s going into labour! What must I do?”

The doctor said, “is this her first child?”
I said, “no, this is her husband!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72v2s/i_called_the_doctor_and_said_hurry_my_wifes_going/
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A boy is meeting his girlfriend's posh parents...

GF's uppity mom: So Tom, what do your parents do ?
Tom: They are in the iron and steal business.
Mom: Oh that's an interesting combination for a business.. What do they do exactly?
Tom: Yeah, my mom irons and my father steals.
(As heard in The House on the Left, 1972)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72ttt/a_boy_is_meeting_his_girlfriends_posh_parents/
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When I was in high school, I followed Jesus' example

I got suspended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72r0t/when_i_was_in_high_school_i_followed_jesus_example/
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A nun goes to the gynaecologist

"Doctor, in the morning I always find blue confetti in my panties. Is it the devil's doing?"
"No, sister. Just remove the stickers from the bananas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72q8e/a_nun_goes_to_the_gynaecologist/
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Father: Son if you masturbate too much you'll go blind.

Son: Dad, I'm over here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72khp/father_son_if_you_masturbate_too_much_youll_go/
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A Jewish man sent his son to Jerusalem for vacation.

Upon his son's return, the father finds out that his son has turned Christian!
So, the father goes to his friend for emotional support. He says “Ethan, I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian”!
“That’s odd...” His friend said, “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”!
They both decide to go to their Synagogue and talk to the Rabbi.
“Rabbi, Ethan and I sent our sons over to Jerusalem, and they came back Christian”!
“That’s odd...” the Rabbi said “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”!
Utterly dumbfounded, all three of the men decide to fly over to Jerusalem to see if they can get any answers.
The three men arrive in Jerusalem and looked around for the better part of a day and found no clues. So, they go to the West wall and kneel down. The Rabbi prays, “Oh, God! Give us wisdom. We sent our sons to Jerusalem, and each one came back Christian”!
As they were kneeling, God said, ”That’s odd...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72jvp/a_jewish_man_sent_his_son_to_jerusalem_for/
%
A motherboard went on a date with a processor

- they didn't read each other's BIOS  and found out out they weren't compatible so they just got drunk.
As the night progressed they tried to figure out a way to make it work. Finally the processor convinced the motherboard to come back to his place and see what would happen.
But then they realize that they didn't have a designated driver.
When questioned about the encounter the following day, neither of them seemed to have any memory.
I hope you git it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72gsj/a_motherboard_went_on_a_date_with_a_processor/
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I've heard of Doctors without Borders,

but the US seems to be trying out Borders without Doctors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72f1h/ive_heard_of_doctors_without_borders/
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Stalin should have known communism doesn't work

There were red flags everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72f16/stalin_should_have_known_communism_doesnt_work/
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Cannibal

(n.) Someone who is fed up with people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72c0j/cannibal/
%
A lava rock quit his job at the volcano today

Said they took him for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72ayn/a_lava_rock_quit_his_job_at_the_volcano_today/
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Always avoid alliteration

You're a Savage Warrior.  You're a barbarian.
You come from a city in Iran.  You're a Barbar Barbarian.
You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment.  You're a Barbar bar barbarian.
You get exiled.  You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.
You get a job cutting hair.  You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.
You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular children's character.  You are Babar's barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.
You get a bad case of bone spurs. You are Babar's barbed barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.
You get a side job as a singer.  You are Babar's barbed barred Barbar bar barbarian barber bard.
You were named after your parents favorite Beach Boys song.  You are Babar's barbed barred Barbar bar barbarian barber bard Barbara Ann.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a72a59/always_avoid_alliteration/
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Do You know why there's religious holidays but no scientific holidays?

Because science always works

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a725h9/do_you_know_why_theres_religious_holidays_but_no/
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As a kid, I once ate a Star Wars eraser...

It was a little Chewie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a720ds/as_a_kid_i_once_ate_a_star_wars_eraser/
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If this gets 1 upvote....

It will have more upvotes than Amy Schumer has original jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a71yhl/if_this_gets_1_upvote/
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Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped a £1 coin?

When he went to pick it up, it hit him on the back of his head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a71wwj/did_you_hear_about_the_scotsman_who_dropped_a_1/
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Why was the hypotenuse so bad in bed?

He could never find the right angle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a71w3k/why_was_the_hypotenuse_so_bad_in_bed/
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An Indian man is sitting in first class on a plane, he presses the call button for a stewardess, but no one goes to his aid for ten minutes. A stewardess finally comes over and the man says to her,

“I have been fingering you for 10 minutes and you haven’t come!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a71rgu/an_indian_man_is_sitting_in_first_class_on_a/
%
I was talking to my friend who has horses and pigs in the same enclosure

He told me someone stole the roof off of it
Well there goes the neigh-boar hood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a71m79/i_was_talking_to_my_friend_who_has_horses_and/
%
Two women are sitting at a roadside cafe when a muscle car roars by.

"Looks like someone's compensating for something," the first woman says.
"What do you mean?" her friend asks.
"Well, you know what they say," she replies. "A guy with a big car is making up for his other... shortcomings."
The second woman looks puzzled, and says, "You mean sex? But my husband's sexual skills are a lot like his car."
The first woman scoffs. "Why," she says, "is it a hot rod?"
"No," replies the second. "It's pretty rusty, under-powered, smells like gas, and there's a nasty shimmy when we're doing 69."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a71ite/two_women_are_sitting_at_a_roadside_cafe_when_a/
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My sisters boyfriend hates me

Because I banged his girl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a71hm1/my_sisters_boyfriend_hates_me/
%
The Terminator T-100 walks into a bar and says,

"Gimmie a screwdriver! I need to loosen up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a71et2/the_terminator_t100_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
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over the weekend I've trained my wife to swap discs for me in my PS4....

what a game changer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a713k3/over_the_weekend_ive_trained_my_wife_to_swap/
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Does my girlfriend have a penis?

Something inside me says yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a70zxz/does_my_girlfriend_have_a_penis/
%
I'm starting a charity about teaching maths to midgets...

I'm calling it "making the little things count"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a70x54/im_starting_a_charity_about_teaching_maths_to/
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What did the pirate’s dad say when he found out his son burned down 10 buildings?

Arrrrrgh son!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a70whj/what_did_the_pirates_dad_say_when_he_found_out/
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A blacksmith is stressed

So he goes into his shop and starts holding a sword straight against the grindstone. His apprentice comes in and asks
"What are you doing?"
"Oh just taking the edge off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a70oe1/a_blacksmith_is_stressed/
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I'm writing a musical titled "Pun"

It's a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a70nrs/im_writing_a_musical_titled_pun/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can

He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".  After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a70k2w/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink_after_a/
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My friends tell me I'm funny

But looks aren't everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a70ide/my_friends_tell_me_im_funny/
%
A native American boy goes to his father with a question.

"Father, how do we get our names?" His father answers, "Well son, as soon as a child is born the father leaves the teepee and whatever he sees first is what the child's name will be. That's how you brother got the name Flying Eagle, and your sister Running Stream". "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a70i1l/a_native_american_boy_goes_to_his_father_with_a/
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Why doesn't Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee?

He prefers non-deery creamer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a70g8u/why_doesnt_santa_use_reindeer_milk_in_his_coffee/
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Why is Santa’s sack so big?

He only comes once year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a70g27/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
I just drove my truck into a building!

Good thing I opened the garage door first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a70fmd/i_just_drove_my_truck_into_a_building/
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I’m in between relationships at this moment.

The couple on the right are kissing, and the couple on the left are about to start doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a70dxi/im_in_between_relationships_at_this_moment/
%
Why don’t vampires have any friends

Because they are a pain in the neck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a70azw/why_dont_vampires_have_any_friends/
%
If somebody makes a play just to insult someone...

Would it be called a diss-play?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7086p/if_somebody_makes_a_play_just_to_insult_someone/
%
A blond is driving down country roads feeling smart because she dyed her hair brown

She turns a corner and finds the road completely blacked by sheep. The farmer comes it the the window and apologizes for blockage, he says they’ll be past in a few minutes. The “brunette” looks at the sheep and back at the farmer and says “if I can guess how meant sheep are there can I have one?” The farmer knowing there is no way she can guess agrees. The “brunette” look at the sheep again and guesses “131”, the farmer is shocked and stunned. The “brunette” gets out of her car and collect her prize sheep, the farmer leans back into the window and says “if I can guess your original hair color can I have my dog back”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a707yz/a_blond_is_driving_down_country_roads_feeling/
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Dad: Your mother is going to the West Indies soon.

Son: Where? Jamaica?
Dad: No, she wanted to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a7079i/dad_your_mother_is_going_to_the_west_indies_soon/
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Why do vampires like single proprietorship model of ownership?

Coz, they are afraid of stake-holders!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a705pb/why_do_vampires_like_single_proprietorship_model/
%
Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5?

Because 5 8 13!
(Made this up for my daughter last week)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a704zt/why_was_fibonacci_afraid_of_5/
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What do you call a bad Jewish gamer?

Ezekiel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a704gf/what_do_you_call_a_bad_jewish_gamer/
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Spiderman (Toby Maguire) wasn't funny a bit.

He was always terrible at delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a70477/spiderman_toby_maguire_wasnt_funny_a_bit/
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I’m scared of Santa Claus

I’m intimidated by his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zzjv/im_scared_of_santa_claus/
%
I went to the garden centre today to buy myself a Christmas tree

I went to the garden center today and bought myself a new Christmas tree, the store assistant asked me "will you be putting that up yourself?"
I replied, "no, you sick fuck, I'll be putting it up in my living room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zxyn/i_went_to_the_garden_centre_today_to_buy_myself_a/
%
I had to tell the two tennis players to keep it down.

They were making a racket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zxw7/i_had_to_tell_the_two_tennis_players_to_keep_it/
%
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.
The next day, again.
On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!"
The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zwgl/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_beer/
%
A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zvwo/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_says_wow/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zvit/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

##
A PDF File.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zv10/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_up_his/
%
What do a pizza boy and a gynecologist have in common?

They both smell it but they can’t eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zunx/what_do_a_pizza_boy_and_a_gynecologist_have_in/
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Why did the human get fired from the calendar factory?

Because they took a few days off.
Probably a repost, but IDC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ztzr/why_did_the_human_get_fired_from_the_calendar/
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A blonde goes horseback riding for the first time in her life, she's never had any prior lessons or training.

As soon as her bottom hits the saddle, the horse gallops away.  Immediately the girl realizes she's not in the saddle correctly and she does everything she can to stay on the horse, she pulls on the horse's mane, she grabs the saddle ... but she realizes it's no use.  Finally she decides the best thing to do is to jump clear of the horse but as she does this, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is dragged by the horse.  Her head is hitting the ground ... thump ... thump ... thump ... over and over again.  Just as she is about to lose consciousness ..... the store manager runs out and unplugs the horse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zsec/a_blonde_goes_horseback_riding_for_the_first_time/
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Dr: Bad news Jim

Jim: What is it Doc?
Dr: You have to stop masturbating.
Jim: Oh God... Why?!
Dr: Because I’m talking to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zsat/dr_bad_news_jim/
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There is a man at a bar, the place is packed and he seriously needs to take a. Shit.

He goes to the bathroom only to find it out of order. He decides to go upstairs to the employee bathroom, that bathroom to is out of service. He goes up once again and all he finds is a hole in the floor. He said what the hell and squats to do his business. When he’s done he walks back down to the bar, only to find it empty. He goes up to the bartender and asks “what happened” and the bartender reply’s “where u not here when the shit hit the fan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zrba/there_is_a_man_at_a_bar_the_place_is_packed_and/
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I try to come up with new chemistry jokes

But all the good ones Argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zqlb/i_try_to_come_up_with_new_chemistry_jokes/
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A man walks into a bar

and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."
The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happend, and his friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zpn2/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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NASA was preparing for the Apollo project

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zhn6/nasa_was_preparing_for_the_apollo_project/
%
What's the best part about editing posts?

Its rewording

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zhby/whats_the_best_part_about_editing_posts/
%
How often should you tell chemistry jokes?

Periodically...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zh6t/how_often_should_you_tell_chemistry_jokes/
%
A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

.
The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zgs0/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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Looking for a gift that will leave her speechless?

Gorilla glue lip balm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zgl9/looking_for_a_gift_that_will_leave_her_speechless/
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Einstein had to speak at an important scientific conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zgj4/einstein_had_to_speak_at_an_important_scientific/
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*uses ouija board*

“Hello, is anyone there?”
*Y*
*O*
*U*
*U*
*U*
“Ah dammit, this is a Soulja board”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ze6w/uses_ouija_board/
%
Son needs help with homework.

He asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad puts his book down. Pauses for a bit.
"You're my son. Of that, I'm confident."
"Yeah," says the son.
"Your best friend, Paul, he's also my son. That is confidential."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6zd7g/son_needs_help_with_homework/
%
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6z9zf/what_do_you_call_two_mexicans_playing_basketball/
%
I am considering a new career in mirror cleaning

It is something I can see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6z9ot/i_am_considering_a_new_career_in_mirror_cleaning/
%
A couple was going out for the evening.

They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6z94t/a_couple_was_going_out_for_the_evening/
%
I would never go bungee jumping

I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not going out because of one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6z91q/i_would_never_go_bungee_jumping/
%
One day a man’s daughters came to him and circled round

“Papa,” said the first one, “why did you name me Lily?”
“Because when you were a baby a pedal from a lily blew in the window and landed on your head,” he said.
“And why did you name me Robin?” the next one asked.
“Because when you were a baby a robin flew in the window and perched on your shoulder,” he said.
“And why did you name me Rose?” the next one asked.
“Because when you were a baby a rose pedal drifted down and landed on your head,” he said.
“Fjendoofntnnss.”
“Shut up, Brick.”
Credit to u/SafetyDanceInMyPants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6z8x9/one_day_a_mans_daughters_came_to_him_and_circled/
%
What does a programmer say when he puts on his new glasses?

"Wow, now I really do C#"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6z63l/what_does_a_programmer_say_when_he_puts_on_his/
%
I knew communism was bad.

There were too many red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6z5q7/i_knew_communism_was_bad/
%
I'll never understand women, my wife said to me earlier: "Babe, I'm stuck on 6 across. 8 letters, fixed the highway?"

"Retarred." I replied.
Ungrateful bitch just threw the paper at me and stormed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6z5p5/ill_never_understand_women_my_wife_said_to_me/
%
Minecraft taught us all a valuable lesson

Never spend diamonds on a hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6z50z/minecraft_taught_us_all_a_valuable_lesson/
%
Women really know how to hold a grudge.

My girlfriend asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6z4zf/women_really_know_how_to_hold_a_grudge/
%
A bloke with one leg is at an ATM

A passerby stops and asks, do you need help mate?
the bloke replies: "Nahh mate cheers jus' checkin me balance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6z4yu/a_bloke_with_one_leg_is_at_an_atm/
%
I called up the doctor and said,

"Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?"
"Is this her first child?" he asked.
"No, this is her husband."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6z4fq/i_called_up_the_doctor_and_said/
%
I hate the PC culture we live in these days.

Can't a guy just use a Playstation without getting called a "peasant"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6z1uz/i_hate_the_pc_culture_we_live_in_these_days/
%
I threw a soda can at my sister, but luckily it didn't hurt her....

Because it's a soft drink!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6yw6t/i_threw_a_soda_can_at_my_sister_but_luckily_it/
%
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

I sent Them to school wearing Crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ysxf/i_dont_believe_in_hitting_my_children_as/
%
What do you call a potato when it's high

A baked potato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6yscc/what_do_you_call_a_potato_when_its_high/
%
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now...

...and that's where I sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6yoil/my_buddy_asked_if_he_could_crash_on_my_couch/
%
What kind of shoes does Voldemort wear?

Horcrocs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6yogv/what_kind_of_shoes_does_voldemort_wear/
%
My mother was feeling cold

so now I'm wearing a sweater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6yh5e/my_mother_was_feeling_cold/
%
What's scarier than finding out that you have been in a simulation this whole time?

That you can only talk about it with people who always think you're joking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6yfid/whats_scarier_than_finding_out_that_you_have_been/
%
A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:
“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”
“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”
So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets dehydrated after a short while...
“Monkey, I’m gonna go to the river and get some water, my mouth is soooo dry... I’ll be back.”
Little lizard heads to the river, but he’s so high that he stumbles and falls headfirst into the water. Luckily, the crocodile happens to be there, helps him out and asks what’s the deal.
“I’m high as balls, croccy. I smoked weed with the monkey.”
“Oh really? I wanna get some too.”
So the crocodile goes to the monkey’s tree and greets him.
“Hi monkey!”
The monkey stares at the crocodile in disbelief:
“Woooo... damnit lizard, how much water did you drink?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6yepi/a_monkey_is_sitting_on_a_tree_smoking_weed/
%
A guy drives by a bridge and was stopped by a police...

Police: Congratulations sir! You are the millionth car to drive by this bridge since its opening. Here is your lucky reward of $10,000.
A reporter in stand-by rushed in to interview the lucky driver.
Reporter: Congratulations on your win! Can you tell me how do you feel now, and what would you want to do first with your reward money?
Driver: Hmm, I am so thrilled right now! With this money, I can finally get my driving licence!
Reporter: (awkward silence and blank stare)
Police step forward: Sir, please step aside and show me your ID and insurance documents.
The wife of the driver who has been sitting at the front passenger seat and keep quiet interrupted: Please officer, don't listen to him. He always like to tell stupid jokes after a few drinks.
... More silence
Police looking dead serious now: Sir, turn around face the wall, and put your hands behind your back. Now!
The commotion now woke up the mother of the driver who has been sleeping at the back seat for all this while. When she see the police, she breaks into uncontrolled sobbing.
Mother: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU! You really shouldn't drive around a stolen car like that! LOOK WHAT HAPPENS NOW!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ybr8/a_guy_drives_by_a_bridge_and_was_stopped_by_a/
%
The doctor ask to his patient:

— What is your name?
— My name is Raphael without “w”
— But there is no “w” in this name
— It is was I said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6y73l/the_doctor_ask_to_his_patient/
%
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6y6w7/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_2_doors/
%
I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6y2oc/im_planning_a_charity_event_for_people_who/
%
A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew
Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.
Nephew: What happened next?
Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.
Nephew: Wow, what happened next?
Uncle: Well the lion was catching up on me fast, but suddenly he slipped and I was able to escape.
Nephew: Wow! I would have shitted myself in that situation.
Uncle: Son, What do you think the lion slipped on?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6y199/a_lion_was_chasing_uncle_in_africa/
%
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6xykz/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
%
What caused the rift between the Sunni and the Shia?

A clerical error

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6xykg/what_caused_the_rift_between_the_sunni_and_the/
%
A cheese factory exploded recently..

...Unfortunately, nothing could be salvaged except for de-brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6xqsx/a_cheese_factory_exploded_recently/
%
What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6xl33/what_do_a_penis_and_a_rubiks_cube_have_in_common/
%
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level..

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6xj2v/a_deepsea_diver_is_twenty_feet_below_sea_level/
%
One day a man’s daughters came to him and circled round...

“Papa,” said the first one, “why did you name me Lily?”
“Because when you were a baby a pedal from a lily blew in the window and landed on your head,” he said.
“And why did you name me Robin?” the next one asked.
“Because when you were a baby a robin flew in the window and perched on your shoulder,” he said.
“And why did you name me Rose?” the next one asked.
“Because when you were a baby a rose pedal drifted down and landed on your head,” he said.
“Fjendoofntnnss.”
“Shut up, Brick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6xijz/one_day_a_mans_daughters_came_to_him_and_circled/
%
Moments in history - generic name for Viagra.

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6xhwh/moments_in_history_generic_name_for_viagra/
%
How many optimologists does it take to change a light bulb?

1, or 2, or 1, or 2, 1, or 2?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6xgcd/how_many_optimologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Dad, I'm cold.

Go stand in a corner then.
What, why?
Because, it's 90 degrees there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6xc0t/dad_im_cold/
%
Why did the condom shoot across the room?

Because it was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6x5uh/why_did_the_condom_shoot_across_the_room/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korea’s long-range missiles don’t go that far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6x5e7/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Have you heard about the guy who’s both dyslexic and gay?

He’s still in Daniel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6x4zv/have_you_heard_about_the_guy_whos_both_dyslexic/
%
When I told my friends that I was going to be a comedian, they all laughed at me.

Well, no one is laughing now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6x0rf/when_i_told_my_friends_that_i_was_going_to_be_a/
%
Remember, you're somebody's reason to smile.

Because you're a fucking joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6wzh4/remember_youre_somebodys_reason_to_smile/
%
A man travels thousands of miles to seek the wisdom of a famous, old yogi...

The man flies to the remote little country where the yogi lives isolated in the mountains
He lands at the airport and takes a bus as far as it will take him, to a little town at the base of the mountains.
He rents a pack animal to take him as far as the animal will go up the mountain, where he finds a native he can hire as a guide.
After days of traveling, hiking, dirt, scrapes, heat, and cold, he climbs and finds the yogi's cave. He is starving and exhausted, but elated to find the old man alive and well, resting outside.
The man says: "Great yogi, I have traveled for a long distance, through many obstacles to ask you about how to live a good and long life, to live as long as you, as happy and content as you, please tell me."
The yogi says: "The secret  to a long life, free of stress, is to never argue with idiots."
The man is livid: "What?! All that travel for that? That piece of drivel, it doesn't even really mean anything!"
"You're absolutely right."
\- Dedicated to Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ww93/a_man_travels_thousands_of_miles_to_seek_the/
%
So the “bishop” came to our church yesterday.

He was a fucking imposter. Not **once** did he move diagonally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6wuud/so_the_bishop_came_to_our_church_yesterday/
%
(*Old repost*) Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6wu9v/old_repost_today_i_saw_a_little_boy_wearing_rags/
%
How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

Its not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6wlxp/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
%
Hey man.

Did I tell you yet?
Tell me what?
My donkey died bro.
Damn, really?
Yeah bro. Deadass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6wj1l/hey_man/
%
A young woman reportedly froze to death.

Her boyfriend had repeatedly warned her it was cold outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6wf8r/a_young_woman_reportedly_froze_to_death/
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Pedro worked in a fine pickle factory in Mexico City.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the cucumber slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Pedro to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Maria, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Pedro tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the cucumber slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Maria gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the cucumber slicer?" Pedro replied, "She got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6we3v/pedro_worked_in_a_fine_pickle_factory_in_mexico/
%
What do gender identities and the twin towers have in common?

...
There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6wdn7/what_do_gender_identities_and_the_twin_towers/
%
Guess what stores are opening in Afghanistan?

Targets.
I’ll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6waqi/guess_what_stores_are_opening_in_afghanistan/
%
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?  They're hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6w90i/a_woman_and_her_12yearold_son_were_riding_in_a/
%
I'm selling my old theremin.

It's about time. I haven't touched it in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vygd/im_selling_my_old_theremin/
%
What do you get when you merge human DNA whale DNA?

Kicked out of Sea world, apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vy82/what_do_you_get_when_you_merge_human_dna_whale_dna/
%
What do you call two cigarettes in a shopping plaza?

Mall bros

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vwcx/what_do_you_call_two_cigarettes_in_a_shopping/
%
A horse walks into a bar

The bartender says, "Why the long f--" when suddenly the horse cuts him off.
"I've heard that a million times. 'Why the long face, haha!' I hear that everywhere I go."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "Other than that, how's your life?"
The horse responds with, "Stable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vw2l/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
3 guys are in the running for a position as a field agent for the CIA.

(This is long and on mobile, hope you enjoy)
For the final test the supervising agent picks up the first guy from his house and after driving around for a while and arriving at their destination, the first guy looks up and asks what is going on because they were back where they started, in the driveway of his house. The agent says this is the final test. Open the glovebox. The guy opens it an pulls out a handgun. The agent tells him to go inside and shoot his wife. The guy looks shocked and says that the job is not worth it, puts the gun back and says goodbye to the agent.
The agent then goes and picks up the second guy, and the same thing happens, back at his house, take the gun and shoot your wife. The second guy grabs the gun and goes inside his house. Nearly 3 hours pass by before the second guy emerges from his house and puts the gun back and tells the agent that he just can't do it.
The agent picks up the last guy and goes through the same process. Back at the third guy's house, shoot your wife. So the third guy takes the gun and enters his house and after 10 seconds a shot rings out. A shrill scream is heard followed by 4 more shots. More screaming and breaking glass. After a few minutes there is silence. The third guy emerges from his house. His clothes are torn and he has several cuts and scrapes. He gets into the agents car and the agent asks what happened.
"What happened!?!?" The guy says "You gave me a gun loaded with blanks! I had to strangle her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vrp8/3_guys_are_in_the_running_for_a_position_as_a/
%
One tectonic plate bumped into other and said:

"Sorry, my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vpxm/one_tectonic_plate_bumped_into_other_and_said/
%
Orion's Belt is a waist of space

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vp3f/orions_belt_is_a_waist_of_space/
%
What do you call gay men doing a drive by?

A fruit roll-up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6volb/what_do_you_call_gay_men_doing_a_drive_by/
%
I'd brag about how many types of squid I know

if I weren't such a humboldt man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vnrp/id_brag_about_how_many_types_of_squid_i_know/
%
What's the difference between a sheep and a ram?

I can't sheep my dick into ur ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vmmk/whats_the_difference_between_a_sheep_and_a_ram/
%
I wanted to make a joke about 9/11

But everytime I do, It has a tendency to crash and burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vmho/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_911/
%
200 Dead Crows

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not...Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The ornithological behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat roadkill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vmen/200_dead_crows/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees a girl.

Guy: You're the most average girl here
Girl: You're so mean
Guy: No, you are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vidb/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_girl/
%
I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vge7/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
A friend bought two tickets to the Alabama-Oklahoma Orange Bowl game but can't go.

He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize that the game is on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
It's at Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3:00 pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6veus/a_friend_bought_two_tickets_to_the/
%
I got slapped in the face for asking a girl if she was interested in one night stand.

Pretty rude, considering I was going to give her a discount on it as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vduz/i_got_slapped_in_the_face_for_asking_a_girl_if/
%
Me: Hey how much for a hand job? Hooker: $30, do you want one?

Me: No, I was curious how much I save when I do it myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vcqp/me_hey_how_much_for_a_hand_job_hooker_30_do_you/
%
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A fucking pilot, you racist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6vc2a/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_flying_a_plane/
%
A man and woman had been married for 30 years.

In those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue.
One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6v87t/a_man_and_woman_had_been_married_for_30_years/
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Life

is just Sims 4 in 1080p.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6v7cn/life/
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A Catholic guy has a child by his mistress

A priest is present during the child's birth. He asks the priest what he should name the kid. He responds.
"Excommunicated Jr."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6v6vq/a_catholic_guy_has_a_child_by_his_mistress/
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What did the leper say after the a blowjob?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6v48i/what_did_the_leper_say_after_the_a_blowjob/
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i sucked a vampire's blood once

it was irony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6v19d/i_sucked_a_vampires_blood_once/
%
I used to tell a joke about radios

But it’s reception was always poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6us9s/i_used_to_tell_a_joke_about_radios/
%
One thing Sean Connery asked his wife to do once, but never again.

Sit on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6uq7f/one_thing_sean_connery_asked_his_wife_to_do_once/
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Why did the nonbinary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6unu3/why_did_the_nonbinary_prospector_move_west_in_1849/
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Looking for feedback on a terribad joke I made up

Last night at 7:30 I went to my uncle's sixty second birthday party...
It was over by 7:31.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ujnf/looking_for_feedback_on_a_terribad_joke_i_made_up/
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A guys longtime girlfriend broke up with him for playing too many video games...

What a dumb reason to Fallout 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6uf0h/a_guys_longtime_girlfriend_broke_up_with_him_for/
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I like my girl like my noodles...

wiggly when I eat them
hot and ready in 2 mins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ue49/i_like_my_girl_like_my_noodles/
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I just went up into the loft to fetch the last of the Christmas presents down and realised I’d left a present I bought for my wife up there from last year, totally forgot about it...

It’s a real shame, she’d have loved that puppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6uciq/i_just_went_up_into_the_loft_to_fetch_the_last_of/
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What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor

Make me one with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ub9e/what_did_buddha_say_to_the_hot_dog_vendor/
%
The other day I was in a restaurant having dinner with my Wife..

I had ordered soup for an appetizer, and when the waitress brought the soup out, she had her thumb in it. I thought well this is weird.
Ordered the Alfredo Chicken and when that lady brought out my entree, her thumb was in it again!
Getting a little frustrated, my wife was able to cool me down a little bit and relax with some coffee for dessert.  When she brought that out HER THUMB was in it again!
I’m furious at this point, I scream, “WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU! EVERY TIME YOU BRING OUT MY FOOD YOU HAVE YOUR THUMB IN IT!”
She goes, “I’m sorry sir, it’s just my thumb was cold”
I say, “ WHY DONT YOU SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!”
She responds, “I DO WHEN IM IN THE KITCHEN!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6uah7/the_other_day_i_was_in_a_restaurant_having_dinner/
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I need to make a presentation about why Switzerland is the best country in the world.

There are many downsides.
But their flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6u9w6/i_need_to_make_a_presentation_about_why/
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Why should you never play poker in the Jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6u9c4/why_should_you_never_play_poker_in_the_jungle/
%
A prostitute told me she would do anything for 50 bucks

I'm getting my house painted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6u8y7/a_prostitute_told_me_she_would_do_anything_for_50/
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I got crabs from a $10 Hooker.

When I confronted her she said, “For $10, what did you expect? Lobster?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6u8ks/i_got_crabs_from_a_10_hooker/
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How many priests does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6u8cc/how_many_priests_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A bartender with magic apples...

Guy 1 walks into a bar and orders a bourbon/coke. Bartender places an apple in front of him.
Guy 1: "what's this about? I ordered a bourbon/coke"
Bartender: "They're magic apples that taste of anything you want"
He takes a bite of the apple.
Guy 1: "It tastes like bourbon"
Bartender: "turn it around"
Guy 1: "Ah yeah, it tastes of coke that's amazing!"
Guy 2 walks in and orders a gin/tonic and the bartender places an apple in front of him.
Guy 2: "excuse me I ordered a gin/tonic"
Guy 1: "They're magic, take a bite and it tastes like your request!"
Guy 2: "it tastes like gin"
Guy 1: "turn it around"
Guy 2: "it tastes of tonic, that's amazing!"
Guy 3 walks in to the bar.
Guy 2: "This bartender has magic apples that taste like anything you want! It's crazy!"
Guy 3: "okay I want to taste some vagina"
Bartender places an apple in front of him.
Guy 3 takes a bite and immediately spits it out in disgust.
Guy 3: "This apple tastes like ass!"
Guys 1and 2: "TURN IT AROUND!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6u6jr/a_bartender_with_magic_apples/
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I like my wings how I like my holy infant...

Tender and mild.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6u0iy/i_like_my_wings_how_i_like_my_holy_infant/
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A butcher is shooing a dog from his shop

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6tyhw/a_butcher_is_shooing_a_dog_from_his_shop/
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What do you call a polarbear with mood swings?

Bi-polar Bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ttga/what_do_you_call_a_polarbear_with_mood_swings/
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Cheap cadillac

In a cadillac showroom in New York a man asks the salesman: "How much for the red cadillac?"
The salesman friendly replies: "10 dollars."
The man is stunned about the price and asks: "If I buy 2 cars, how much would that be?"
The salesman friendly replies: "10 dollars."
Now the man is curious how the hell it is possible that it's dirt cheap and asks the salesman: "How it's possible it's only 10 dollars?"
"Oh that’s easy." He says, "you see my boss upstairs is fucking my wife and me downstairs is fucking his business."
Edit - grammar, thx u/Garbageadvisory !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6tssz/cheap_cadillac/
%
Three colonists come to the new world... NSFW

They are captured soon after they arrive by Native Americans. The Natives want to kill the colonists, but the colonists beg for their lives. They allow the colonists to live, but on one condition. The Native Americans then tell the colonists that each of them need to find a fruit and come back with it. The first colonists returns with a peach. The Natives then tell him, "You must shove it up your ass and not laugh. If you laugh at all, you die." So, the man shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and dies. The next man comes with a grape. They tell him to do  the same thing. So, he puts the grape in his ass, laughs, and dies. The first two men meet in the Afterlife and the first one says to the second one and says, "Why did you laugh? I had a peach and it was fuzzy and tickled, so I laughed. But you had a grape, a small, smooth fruit." The second man then replies, "Oh, I was going to be fine, until I saw the other guy coming back with a pineapple!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6tso7/three_colonists_come_to_the_new_world_nsfw/
%
Do androids dream of electric sheep?

Yes, but it takes a lot of ram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6to8k/do_androids_dream_of_electric_sheep/
%
What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?

An Abdominal Snowman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6tlbj/what_do_you_call_a_snowman_witha_sixpack/
%
I thought I had a hair in my mouth...

But it was all in my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6tgwj/i_thought_i_had_a_hair_in_my_mouth/
%
My company issued us new ladders.

They were cheaply made and barely supported 100lb of weight, but when I posted a picture to Reddit it got taken down by the mods.
I forgot to mark it as NSFW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6tfl7/my_company_issued_us_new_ladders/
%
My crippled friend said he wanted hot wheels for his birthday

So I lit his wheelchair on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6tfjv/my_crippled_friend_said_he_wanted_hot_wheels_for/
%
2 blondes walk into a building.

You think one of them would have seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6te1n/2_blondes_walk_into_a_building/
%
I've wanted to become an astronaut ever since I was a kid, but decided not to after I heard about the 60% fatality rate.

Shame too, only 40% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6tdz5/ive_wanted_to_become_an_astronaut_ever_since_i/
%
Why didn't the tailor make a tuxedo out of plastic?

It wasn't suit-able.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6tb5z/why_didnt_the_tailor_make_a_tuxedo_out_of_plastic/
%
"What is it like to be self-loathing, Mr. Connery?"

"Ashkenazi Jew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6t8hk/what_is_it_like_to_be_selfloathing_mr_connery/
%
My grandpa warned people that the titanic would sink.

No one wanted to hear it, but he kept warning them nonetheless. Until they got tired of it and kicked him out of the theater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6t46s/my_grandpa_warned_people_that_the_titanic_would/
%
There's a guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter.

It's pretty nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6t0yu/theres_a_guy_going_around_dipping_his_testicles/
%
A vulture walks into an airplane with a rotting corpse.

The flight attendant screams, “You cannot bring that on this plane.” The vulture says, “It’s just my carrion.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6syz8/a_vulture_walks_into_an_airplane_with_a_rotting/
%
The United States is under attack in American schools

The map of America had four tacks holding it to the wall in nearly every classroom I was in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6su1u/the_united_states_is_under_attack_in_american/
%
All those cooking shows

Him: With all those cooking shows you've watched you would think that your cooking would be good
Her: With all the porn you've watched, you'd think that you would be good at fucking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6str9/all_those_cooking_shows/
%
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, that’s a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ss6e/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I felt sorry for a very cold man and I invited him into my house to spend the night.

And what did he do? Peed all over my floor and left without saying a damn word!
If you see this guy, don't let him in. He's very pale, heavyset but his arms look like two sticks. Has two black eyes, smokes a corn cob pipe and wears a red scarf and a black top hat..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ss2s/i_felt_sorry_for_a_very_cold_man_and_i_invited/
%
My favorite teacher at school was Mr Turtle.

Because of the way he tortoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6sp15/my_favorite_teacher_at_school_was_mr_turtle/
%
Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6sluu/today_i_saw_an_ad_that_said_radio_for_sale_1/
%
Women are like sand...

fun to play with only when wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6sjlo/women_are_like_sand/
%
Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”?

Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6si4d/why_is_the_australian_emergency_line_is000/
%
Cancer is so easy to beat..

I’m already at stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6sdpp/cancer_is_so_easy_to_beat/
%
(Boyfriend) Hey babe, I was in a terrible accident at work...Denise drove me to the hospital and the doctors said I might lose my right leg.

(Girlfriend) Who the fuck is Denise?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6sd2h/boyfriend_hey_babe_i_was_in_a_terrible_accident/
%
What do you call a big Irish spider?

A paddy long legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6sczp/what_do_you_call_a_big_irish_spider/
%
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Damn!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6sbgu/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_a_wall/
%
What did Buckwheat from Little Rascals feed his horse?

Oat Hay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6sate/what_did_buckwheat_from_little_rascals_feed_his/
%
A Mexican magician was performing a trick...

Magician: "Uno! Dòs..."
*poof*
And he disappeared without a très...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6s76h/a_mexican_magician_was_performing_a_trick/
%
How do you tell the gender of an ant?

put it in water...
If it sinks, girl ant
If it floats buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6s1lq/how_do_you_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant/
%
A man’s wife has been in a coma in ICU

Nothing has worked for her.
The doc takes the husband aside and says, "we've tried everything. Nothing has worked. However, sometimes if you perform oral sex on them, they snap out of it. Are you willing to try it?"
The husband says, "of course, if you think it will help." So, he walks in and they draw the curtains to give them privacy. A minute or two later the EKG flat-lines. She codes and dies.
The doctor says "I don't understand, what happened."  The guys says, "Well I'm no doctor, but I think she choked to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6rxpu/a_mans_wife_has_been_in_a_coma_in_icu/
%
Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

She grew outta her beeshells!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6rpv0/why_did_the_mermaid_wear_seashells/
%
Did you hear Chewbacca took up porcelain?

They call him the Hairy Potter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6rp5h/did_you_hear_chewbacca_took_up_porcelain/
%
Wanna hear a joke about legs?

It's a real knee slapper.
And that pun was only calf of the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6rnt6/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_legs/
%
A man answers the door and sees two police officers standing there.

**Officer:** I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident
**Husband:** But she has a great personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6rkse/a_man_answers_the_door_and_sees_two_police/
%
Q. Why did the girl steal her boyfriend's wheelchair after she dumped him?

A. Because she wanted him to come crawling back to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6rjlo/q_why_did_the_girl_steal_her_boyfriends/
%
What's the difference between a washing machine and a hippie chick

A washing machine won't follow you around for 3 weeks asking to get spun after you dump your load in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6rgj0/whats_the_difference_between_a_washing_machine/
%
A woman is like the roof of a shed.

If you don't nail them hard enough, they'll go next door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6rdwm/a_woman_is_like_the_roof_of_a_shed/
%
The sun doesn't have to go to college because

it already has 28 million degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6rd0b/the_sun_doesnt_have_to_go_to_college_because/
%
A man is at a mall and sees a Mexican book store.

Curious, he walks in to see the selection, and wonders if they have the book he's looking for. So he goes up to the shop owner and asks "do you have the latest book by Donald Trump?"
The shop owner states at him in confusion for a second and yells "Fuck you, get out and stay out!"
Man replies "yeah that one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6rab1/a_man_is_at_a_mall_and_sees_a_mexican_book_store/
%
What does a pulley like the best about its position?

Being the center of a tension.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6r7tq/what_does_a_pulley_like_the_best_about_its/
%
Have you heard of the game uno?

It’s that one game!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6r1ua/have_you_heard_of_the_game_uno/
%
Comas really do make a big difference in sentences. For example :

Joe is in a hurry
Joe is in a coma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6r0zj/comas_really_do_make_a_big_difference_in/
%
My first time buying condoms

at age 16 I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time." She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight. I still looked confused. She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was. "Just a minute," she said, and locked the door. She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra. You like these?" I could only nod my head. She said to put the condom on. As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down. "Come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW, I was done in two minutes! She looked at me concerned and asked "Did you put the condom on?" I said, "I sure did!" and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6qx15/my_first_time_buying_condoms/
%
I've been trying to get my girlfriend into classical music but she just isn't interested.

I'm Baching up the wrong tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6qvwx/ive_been_trying_to_get_my_girlfriend_into/
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Can anyone explain what mysoginistic means please?

Preferably a man, to be accurate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6que3/can_anyone_explain_what_mysoginistic_means_please/
%
If your friend, Jack, was stuck on a horse...

Would you help Jack off a horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6qq7x/if_your_friend_jack_was_stuck_on_a_horse/
%
What is the difference between a testicle and urethra?

There's a Vas Deferens between them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6qo45/what_is_the_difference_between_a_testicle_and/
%
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

"see you next month."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6qmqu/what_did_the_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
%
I have 3 eyes, 2 mouths, and 4 ears. What am I?

Ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6qmdo/i_have_3_eyes_2_mouths_and_4_ears_what_am_i/
%
A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I really need $5! Just $5! Please! I'm desperate!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was truly dumbfounded.
"Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am really desperate!"
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in any of my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "However... I can make a well-educated guess.
Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6qm5f/a_patient_went_to_the_doctor_and_asked_him_to/
%
I’ve decided that from January 1st I’ll only watch things in 1080p and above.

It’s my new year’s resolution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6qldw/ive_decided_that_from_january_1st_ill_only_watch/
%
Who was this Rorschach guy?

And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6qjoy/who_was_this_rorschach_guy/
%
A dentist and a manicurist got married but

They fought tooth and nail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6qdut/a_dentist_and_a_manicurist_got_married_but/
%
What's the rudest kind of elf?

A go fuck yours-elf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6qavg/whats_the_rudest_kind_of_elf/
%
Congress wanted to make a "US tour" so that they could meet and greet the citizens

So they gather all up and jump into a bus, you know, to make people think they were not spending the people's taxes on plane tickets.
They start going to the major cities and doing their charade but then they didn't arrive to their next destination. Investigation starts and the police find out they got lost someplace in Arizona.
The search and rescue begins and after a few days, along the road in the desert, they find the bus all turned over and burnt in the front yard of a small farm.
Police then go to the house, knock on the door, and are received by a farmer, who lets them in to his house.
The police ask about the bus and the politicians inside.
"Yep, they're all buried in my backyard. I dug a big hole, took them out of the bus and buried them. That's what my old man taught me, to have respect for those who passed away." Says the farmer.
Then a policeman asked him, "but we're they all dead?"
The farmer responds, "well, some of them claimed they weren't, but you know how all the the politicians lie, so I didn't believe them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6qal3/congress_wanted_to_make_a_us_tour_so_that_they/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “Thank You”.
I said “Don’t mention it”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6q93j/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_their_room/
%
Why did the Jewish dad cut off his son's gaming budget?

Because his son had four skins already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6q6du/why_did_the_jewish_dad_cut_off_his_sons_gaming/
%
What do you call a voodoo live stream?

Twitch-craft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6q56p/what_do_you_call_a_voodoo_live_stream/
%
3 woman are stuck on a desert island, 50km for the mainland

The first one a Brunette decides to swim for it, she gets 5 kilometers before getting tiered and drowning. The second woman a redhead decides to swim as well, she gets 15 kilometers before getting tired and drowning. The last woman a blond also decides to swim, she decides to be smart and not go out further than she could come back from, she manages to get 25 kilometers before deciding to swim back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6q4c2/3_woman_are_stuck_on_a_desert_island_50km_for_the/
%
Why is Santa's Sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6q1m1/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
I only ever drink on 2 occasions. Christmas

and not Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pujl/i_only_ever_drink_on_2_occasions_christmas/
%
A guy calls his boss to tell him he cannot go to work for personal reasons.

His boss responds, "Every time I feel down, I have sex with my wife. It always makes me feel better. You should try it too.
Two hours later, the employee responds, "you are right! I feel much better. I'll be in soon. I never realized how far of a commute you have every day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6prsf/a_guy_calls_his_boss_to_tell_him_he_cannot_go_to/
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Shipwreck Hell NSFW

During a bad storm a ship overturns in the middle of the ocean, three men survive and float on debris for days before reaching a island. The men wake to find themselfs tied up in a small hut.
A tribal leader enters
"you may choose death, or you may choose punga!"
The men look at each other confused
"What the fuck is punga?"
The first man says
"I have a family, a new baby at home, I cant die now, I choose punga"
The tribesmen smile and laugh and then grab the man, drag him outside and rape him. When they finish, they load a raft up with food and supplies and send him on his way.
The two remaining men tremble in horror and disgust. The next man says
"My God what savages have we encountered. This is a nightmare. Surely we are in Hell! Fine you heathens, I choose punga damn you!
He is ravaged mercilessly and then given a raft with supplies and sailed away.
The third man says
" you try it you godless sons a bitches, I'm a man of honor, I choose death! Fuck you!"
The tribal leader replies
"Verywell, death.............by punga!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pr2n/shipwreck_hell_nsfw/
%
I had a job answering the phone for people

It wasn’t for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pqs8/i_had_a_job_answering_the_phone_for_people/
%
Damn girl, are you snow?

Because first I’m excited to see you, but after a long night of plowing, I’m annoyed to see that you’re still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pqsc/damn_girl_are_you_snow/
%
They say 88 percent people are bad at maths

Luckily I am among the remaining 22 percent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pqhf/they_say_88_percent_people_are_bad_at_maths/
%
A priest hires a contractor to paint his house.

The contractor thins out his paints using water hoping to stretch out his supply, so the final product ends up quite lacking. When the priest confronts him about it, he apologizes and asks if the priest would like him to redo everything.
The priest tells him, "Repaint, and thin no more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pq5g/a_priest_hires_a_contractor_to_paint_his_house/
%
What did people say the first time they saw a white board?

Oh, that's re-markable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6poes/what_did_people_say_the_first_time_they_saw_a/
%
A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.

The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"
The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"
The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it.
The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose.
The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90.
The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?"
The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!"
The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pn3g/a_student_goes_to_talk_to_his_professor_about_his/
%
A blonde, brunette and readhead are walking down a street...

The redhead says "Oh! Look at that dead bird!"
The blonde looks up and says "Where!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pm12/a_blonde_brunette_and_readhead_are_walking_down_a/
%
Best joke ever

A rich snail goes into a car shop, picks out a super fast car, and says "I want a big S painted on the right side, the front, the back, I want big S's everywhere." And the car painter asks "Why?" And the snail says "Because when I pass people on the road I want them to point at me and say 'Wow! Look at that escargot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6plvs/best_joke_ever/
%
My wife left me because of autocorrect.

That's the last time she'll ever text me saying "can you please bring home some milf from the supermarket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6plng/my_wife_left_me_because_of_autocorrect/
%
My house got repossessed

I feel like all the money I spent on the exorcism was wasted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pikh/my_house_got_repossessed/
%
A green grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a water.

The bartender is intrigued by his new customer and decides to spark conversation. He says "Did you know we serve a drink here that's named after you?"
The Green Grasshopper looks perplexed and says "You serve a drink called Steve?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ph0f/a_green_grasshopper_hops_into_a_bar_and_orders_a/
%
I applied for a job at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors.

I told them "That's a job I could really see myself doing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pgn7/i_applied_for_a_job_at_a_furniture_factory_and/
%
They say 88% of people can’t do maths.

That means the other 14% can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pg8v/they_say_88_of_people_cant_do_maths/
%
In a suburb of Boston, there was a Catholic church across the street from a Jewish synagogue.

Over the years, a friendly rivalry had grown between the two congregations.  One weekend, the members of the synagogue gave their long-time rabbi a brand new Cadillac.  By sheer coincidence, the parishioners gave their pastor a new Cadillac on the same day.
Everyone laughed at the coincidence, and the two clerics agreed to have a race.  A course was planned out, and the next day the two men took off.
The Catholic priest had a slight edge through the town, but when the course led out into more rural areas, the rabbi took the lead.  Eventually the course took them to a narrow dirt road, wide enough for only one car, and the rabbi was ahead while the priest was right on his tail.  They passed a sign that said, "Danger!  Bridge Out Ahead!", and they came to a cliff where a bridge had recently been washed out.
The rabbi slammed on his brakes, his car's wheels locked up, and screeched to a stop just two feet in front of the cliff.  The priest has just a tick slower to react, and his car rammed the rabbi's car, pushing its front wheels over the embankment.
With the rabbi's Cadillac balanced precariously on the cliff, the priest scrambled to help the rabbi to safety.  Once both men were safe, they called the police and waited for their arrival.
A Boston cop came to the scene first.  He looked at the two cars in the road.  He looked at the damage to the front end of the priest's car.  Then he looked at the rabbi's car, hanging on the cliff, with damage to its back end.
The cop took off his hat and scratched his head, wondering what to make of the situation.  Finally, in a thick Irish brogue, he asked, "So, father, at what speed was the rabbi going when he backed into you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pf9q/in_a_suburb_of_boston_there_was_a_catholic_church/
%
Yo momma's so fat...

... her patronus is a cake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pf61/yo_mommas_so_fat/
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When I donate blood...

Donor: When I donate blood, I do not extract it myself, a nurse does it for me.
Nurse: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pdmt/when_i_donate_blood/
%
Little Johnny wore his Halloween costume to Christmas dinner.

Dad allowed it since oct(31) = dec(25)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pdcc/little_johnny_wore_his_halloween_costume_to/
%
Irish animal rights activists have broken into a turkey farm.

They say they are going to release thousands of turkeys into the wild...
as soon as they’ve defrosted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pcdy/irish_animal_rights_activists_have_broken_into_a/
%
A Blonde Calls 911 on a Friday night

"Hello, what's your emergency? "
"My friend has been stabbed! "
"Okay, where are you? "
"Tchefuncte Street"
"Tche what? What street did you say? Can you spell it? "
"Uh... " afterwards the 911 operator heard panting and shuffling of feet for about 5 minutes
"Yeah, we're on PINE Street. P-I-N... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6pboa/a_blonde_calls_911_on_a_friday_night/
%
An Englishman is dining in a French restaurant when he notices that the Frenchman at the next table has a fly in his soup.

So he dredges up his best schoolboy French and says <<*Pardon, m'sieur, mais il y a un mouche en votre potage!*>>
The Frenchman looks, sees the fly, and says <<*Merci, m'sieur!*>> and signals for the waiter before adding helpfully, <<*mais ce n'est pas* **un** *mouche, c'est* **une** *mouche*>>.
And the stunned Englishman can only stammer, "Bloody hell, you've got good eyesight!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6patf/an_englishman_is_dining_in_a_french_restaurant/
%
Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6palw/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
What do you call a group of humans?

An infestation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6p9up/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_humans/
%
The french never go on holidays

They only go on retreats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6p8uk/the_french_never_go_on_holidays/
%
It’s amazing what Muslims put themselves through, just so they can get 72 virgins in heaven.

It would be a lot easier if they just became Catholic priests.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6oy7o/its_amazing_what_muslims_put_themselves_through/
%
A woman walks into a Scottish man’s bakery.

She asks how much for bread buns.
“It’s £2 for six” replies the baker
The woman says: “It’s a lovely offer, but i think I’ll just buy some bread buns please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6oy4x/a_woman_walks_into_a_scottish_mans_bakery/
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If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil' Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen

That means one good girl is worth $8.33 (USD), no Wonder 50 cent couldn't afford a good girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ovlj/if_according_to_kanye_west_one_good_girl_is_worth/
%
A man gets home carrying a goat on his arms

As he founds his wife on the couch watching TV he says: "See honey, this is the cow I have to fuck when you're out of town".
The wife is furious: "You're disgusting!!! You're so fucking stupid that you cannot realize you're carrying a goat instead of a cow!!!"
To what the man replies: "I wasn't talking to you Tiffany"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6oq8m/a_man_gets_home_carrying_a_goat_on_his_arms/
%
What do girls and noodles have in common?

##
They both wiggle when you eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6opyg/what_do_girls_and_noodles_have_in_common/
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What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks?

You can’t take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6oppl/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_two_dicks/
%
I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism.

If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6opjm/i_took_out_a_loan_to_pay_for_an_exorcism/
%
The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.

I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6opis/the_first_time_i_had_sex_with_my_girlfriend_all_i/
%
4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven.
St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The second nun replies hesitantly, "Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand."
St. Peter smiles and says, "Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven.
At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, "Listen, I better go next because I'm not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ojtd/4_nuns_arrive_at_the_pearly_gates_of_heaven/
%
Cashier: Scans Condoms

“Do you need a bag sir?”
Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ojl3/cashier_scans_condoms/
%
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ohgd/how_can_you_scare_people_with_your_impression_of/
%
I never apologize

I am sorry but that's just the way I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ogy8/i_never_apologize/
%
Adam and Eve

Eve: "Adam are you seeing someone else?"
Adam: "No, you're the only woman on earth!"
Adam: "Now what are you doing?"
Eve: "Counting your ribs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6og3l/adam_and_eve/
%
What do u call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6og2u/what_do_u_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
What’s the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6of8m/whats_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
%
What’s the best thing about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6oeva/whats_the_best_thing_about_dead_baby_jokes/
%
Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the hell out of the dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6oco1/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
%
A Jew with a boner walks into a wall, what happens?

He breaks his nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6oaka/a_jew_with_a_boner_walks_into_a_wall_what_happens/
%
Two guys, Fred and Bob, liked to hang out at the beach, trying to meet girls. Bob always got dates, but Fred kept striking out.

One day, Fred took Bob aside and asked him, “What’s your secret?”
Bob grinned and said, “All I do is put a potato in my shorts.” Fred nodded and thanked him for the tip.
The next day, Bob showed up and watched the girls running away from Fred, leaving him standing there, looking confused. Bob waved him over.
“Fred,” he said, “the potato goes in the front.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6o87i/two_guys_fred_and_bob_liked_to_hang_out_at_the/
%
The milk cow (loooong and NSFW)

There’s this little farm in Ireland- dirt farm, really- but they’ve got the best milk cow in the world.
One day, the farmer comes out and sees his milk cow is dead. He doesn’t know what to do, so he hangs himself in the barn, which is sad.
His wife comes out and sees her husband dead, the milk cow dead, and doesn’t know what to do, so she pitches herself in the river, drowns, and washes up on shore, which is sad.
The eldest son comes out, sees his mother dead, his father dead, the milk cow dead, and he’s about to pitch himself into the river as well, but he gets stopped by a leprechaun.
It’s a lady leprechaun.
She says to him “havin a tough day?”
“Well I should say so.”
So she says “I’ll cut you a deal- if you can make love to me 10 times in a row without stoppin, I’ll bring everybody, including the milk cow, back to life.”
“I’ll give it a go”
Well he gives it a go, fails, and she kills him, throwing his body next to the others.
Next son comes out, sees his brother is dead, mother is dead, the milk cow is dead, and is about to pitch himself into the river, when he gets stopped by the same lady leprechaun.
She says to him “havin a tough day?”
“Well I should say so.”
So she says “I’ll cut you a deal- if you can make love to me 10 times in a row without stoppin, I’ll bring everybody, including the milk cow, back to life.”
“I’ll give it a go”
Well he gives it a go, fails, and she kills him, throwing his body next to the others.
Finally, the youngest son, 18 years old, comes out. He sees the bodies and the lady leprechaun.
She says to him “havin a tough day?”
“Well I should say so.”
So she says “I’ll cut you a deal- if you can make love to me 10 times in a row without stoppin, I’ll bring everybody, including the milk cow, back to life.”
“The sounds like a good deal, but what if I make love to you 15 times without stoppin?”
She laughed for a second and says “well, if you can do that, I’ll thrown in a giant mansion where your hovel is now.”
“The sounds like a good deal, but what if I make love to you 20 times in a row without stoppin?”
She laughed longer this time and said “I’ll throw in a never-ending crock of gold, you’ll be set for all of your days.”
“Ok, we’ll get started, but I’ve got one more question- if I make love to you 20 times in a row without stoppin, what’s to keep you from dyin from it? The milk cow did.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6o69v/the_milk_cow_loooong_and_nsfw/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6o5zs/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
A roman guy walls into the bar

He holds up two fingers and says "five beers please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6o5xf/a_roman_guy_walls_into_the_bar/
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I’m definitely a sex object

Every time I ask a woman for sex, they object

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6o4wi/im_definitely_a_sex_object/
%
A horny 20 year old girl is like a good carpenter

No wood gets wasted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6o17w/a_horny_20_year_old_girl_is_like_a_good_carpenter/
%
What's Donald's Trump favorite store to go to?

Wall-Mart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6nyo8/whats_donalds_trump_favorite_store_to_go_to/
%
A young priest is filling in for the parish priest

while he is on holiday. Most of the confessions that morning are pretty routine, "I took the Lords name in vain" "two hail marys" "I had impure thoughts" three hail marys and two rosaries"
A young girl comes in and says "bless me father for I have sinned "
"What is this sin my daughter?"
"I gave my boyfriend oral sex"
The young priest is a bit stunned and isn't sure what to say. So he leans out of the confessional and says to the altar boy. "Hey Jimmy, what does Father Mulcahy give for oral sex?"
"Usually a can of coke and a Mars bar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6nwxw/a_young_priest_is_filling_in_for_the_parish_priest/
%
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6nwbx/i_got_my_best_friend_a_fridge_for_her_birthday/
%
Today I’d like to endorse podiums

Now that is a product I can get behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6nudc/today_id_like_to_endorse_podiums/
%
A navy captain is alerted that a pirate ship is coming towards his position

He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
The sailor asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”
The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’t discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.
The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ns00/a_navy_captain_is_alerted_that_a_pirate_ship_is/
%
The teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”

One boy says, “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.
The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6nred/the_teacher_asks_students_to_name_an_animal_that/
%
Today while at the gym. I asked a woman what her New Year's resolution was. She said; "Fuck you"...

... So I'm fairly excited for 2019 !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6nr96/today_while_at_the_gym_i_asked_a_woman_what_her/
%
Prostitute rates...NSFW

Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates.
She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.”
The man says, “ok, heres $50.”
The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!”
The man then replies, “ class my ass, i want it 5 times on the grass!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6npl4/prostitute_ratesnsfw/
%
Dad joke

Why was the broom late for work?
He overswept ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6nnwu/dad_joke/
%
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6nnev/the_hindenburg_is_the_greatest_feat_of/
%
A guy walks into Baskin Robbins

Walks up to the counter and asks the employee
"What all flavors do you guys have?"
The employee names off all 31 flavors and the guy says
"I'll take a pint of chocolate"
The employee says "I'm sorry sir but we don't have any chocolate"
The guy says "Hmm, well what do you guys have?"
So the employee tells him all 31 flavors again
The guy says "Ok, I'll take a quart of chocolate"
The employee says "I'm sorry Sir, but we don't have any chocolate!"
So the guy says "Oh.... Ok... Well what do you have?"
Annoyed, the employee tells him once more all 31 flavors
The guy says "Ok, I'll take a half gallon of chocolate"
The employee looks at him and asks him  "Sir, how do you spell blue in blueberry?"
Guy: "B-L-U-E"
Employee: "And straw in strawberry?"
Guy: "S-T-R-A-W"
Employee: "How about fuck in chocolate?
Guy: "What? There's no fuck in chocolate?"
Employee: "That's what I've been trying to tell you!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6nluk/a_guy_walks_into_baskin_robbins/
%
Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?

Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6nlku/which_countrys_capital_has_the_fastestgrowing/
%
“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6nkoo/hey_dad_who_invented_the_haircut/
%
Two friends are out hunting together...

While they're out, one of them gets attacked by a bear. The other one shoots the bear and it runs away. The one who shot the bear sees his friend on the ground covered in wounds from the bear and calls 911.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"I think my friend is dead, he was just mauled by a bear!"
"Okay, sir. Calm down. We're gonna help you and your friend. Can you confirm your friend is dead for us?"
#BANG!
"Okay, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6neh3/two_friends_are_out_hunting_together/
%
I really don't mind women breastfeeding

I just wished they would wink back every once in a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6nefu/i_really_dont_mind_women_breastfeeding/
%
White robe with a cone top was really popular among the members of KKK.

It was a cult classic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6nbry/white_robe_with_a_cone_top_was_really_popular/
%
Not an original joke

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6n3ie/not_an_original_joke/
%
A woman walked into a library and asked if they have any books about paranoia.

The librarian said "They're right behind you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6n0f9/a_woman_walked_into_a_library_and_asked_if_they/
%
Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.

Being homeschooled sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6mzpb/growing_up_my_teachers_told_me_i_was_worthless/
%
As a golfer, I always think it's better to wear two pairs of pants

In case you get a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6mwu2/as_a_golfer_i_always_think_its_better_to_wear_two/
%
I asked my son if he was ready to have the sex talk

He said, "Sure dad, what do you want to know?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6mw3v/i_asked_my_son_if_he_was_ready_to_have_the_sex/
%
A husband with 7 kids walks up to his wife

The husband says “Honey, I’ve never said anything before, but I need to know. I’ve noticed that of our seven children, Jack looks different from the others... Does he have a different father than his siblings?”
The wife says “Yes, I admit it, he does.”
The husband says “Who is his father?”
The wife says “You are.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6mt8h/a_husband_with_7_kids_walks_up_to_his_wife/
%
Apparently as a 4 year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6msl4/apparently_as_a_4_year_old_hitler_was_saved_from/
%
Hello 911?

Operator: Yes hello what is your emergency?
Me: These men won’t stop laughing
Operator: Okay that sounds annoying but it’s not a crime.
Me: Wtf is manslaughter then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6msct/hello_911/
%
A brunette and a blonde fall down a well.

“It’s dark down here, isn’t it?” says the brunette.
“I’m not sure, I can’t see,” replies the blonde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6moth/a_brunette_and_a_blonde_fall_down_a_well/
%
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."
"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she laughed at the mans penis, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I'm so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen"
She ran out of the room.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6mkkh/of_course_i_wont_laugh_said_the_nurse/
%
If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am

Is it The same shit different day?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6mio8/if_u_sit_in_the_toilet_to_take_a_poop_at_1158pm/
%
I was in a carpool to work when a Grindr notification went off on my phone...

The woman up front said “I know that sound, my husband plays that game all the time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6mgoz/i_was_in_a_carpool_to_work_when_a_grindr/
%
Communist jokes aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6maqw/communist_jokes_arent_funny/
%
John was in a nightclub

, dancing and enjoying himself.
During  the events of the night he lost his watch and couldn't find it anywhere he looked, so he figured he'd just settle his losses and move on.
Later in the night he saw a man standing on his watch, this man was harassing a girl who clearly didn't want to dance with him, so john walked up to the man and punched him square in the face.
The man asked why he did that to him
John said "no one does that to a girl, Not on my watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6m9ss/john_was_in_a_nightclub/
%
Why did the Indian set his friend's turban on fire?

It was a sikh joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6m860/why_did_the_indian_set_his_friends_turban_on_fire/
%
A husband always carry his wife's photo in his wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?
Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6m829/a_husband_always_carry_his_wifes_photo_in_his/
%
The homecoming dance

A somewhat socially awkward lad asked a girl he liked to the homecoming dance, and she said yes.
The boy asked his dad for advice, and his dad gave him several tips: get her a nice corsage that matches your boutonniere, show up 10 minutes early to pick her up and speak pleasantly and respectfully to her parents, agree on a return time that still gets you home in time for your own curfew, etc.
The boy said, "OK, I can handle that, but what should I do at the dance? I don't know any dances at all"
His dad said, "Don't worry: there's a total fallback for this. There's going to be a punch bowl at the dance. Every time a slow dancing song starts, just offer to refill everybody's punch. A whole bunch of other people will be there too and it will easily take the entire song's time to do, and you won't have to worry about dancing."
The boy got a nice boutonniere and matching corsage, showed up on time, respectfully charmed her parents, and got to the dance just on time. For the first few songs everybody was just relaxing and hanging out and he was having a great time.
But, eventually, a more romantic slow-dancing song comes on, and the boy nearly panics. But he remembers his father's advice. He says "let me go refill everybody's drink" and heads over to the punchbowl. But when he gets there, he realizes he is doomed, because, even after all that buildup, there was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6m5sz/the_homecoming_dance/
%
My girlfriend said I'm unsure of everything.

I think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6m3wd/my_girlfriend_said_im_unsure_of_everything/
%
What do you call a group of 500 atoms?

A Refund.
*This post is brought to you by "Todd Howard did Nothing Wrong" gang*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6m3ff/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_500_atoms/
%
I told my shrink, "every morning I see an ugly creature in the mirror, whats wrong with me?"

He said, "you've got perfect vision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lyk7/i_told_my_shrink_every_morning_i_see_an_ugly/
%
All these jokes about Alabama but no one acknowledges their contributions, like inventing the toothbrush

At least I think it was Alabama.  Anywhere else they’d have called it a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ly7e/all_these_jokes_about_alabama_but_no_one/
%
Is either pronounced eye-ther or eee-ther?

It's either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lxpf/is_either_pronounced_eyether_or_eeether/
%
I am close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

Fuck u though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lv73/i_am_close_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
A Christian, a Jew, a Pagan, a Muslim, and an atheist walk into a cafe

They drink coffee and have a reasonable, mild-mannered conversation because they're adults.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lv3a/a_christian_a_jew_a_pagan_a_muslim_and_an_atheist/
%
What's the point of spending $90 to be stuck in an escape room when I can go to IKEA for free

And spend $180 on furniture I didn't need

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lq2w/whats_the_point_of_spending_90_to_be_stuck_in_an/
%
Freddie goes to Macy's to buy a bra for his wife

At the counter, the saleswoman asks, "what's your wife's bra size?"
Freddie replies, "6 7/8"
Saleswoman says, "6 7/8? What kind of bra size is that?"
Freddie: I don't know, I measured them with my hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lp27/freddie_goes_to_macys_to_buy_a_bra_for_his_wife/
%
Happy ho-iday!

Happy No L's all around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lowd/happy_hoiday/
%
For me, sex is like complex mathematics...

I don’t get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lo0h/for_me_sex_is_like_complex_mathematics/
%
Did you know back in the New Kingdom era, high ranking Egyptians were known for farting?

They all had a toot-in-common

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lna0/did_you_know_back_in_the_new_kingdom_era_high/
%
I kinda feel bad for vacuums

No matter how good of a job they do, they still suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6llqa/i_kinda_feel_bad_for_vacuums/
%
What was hitler’s favorite video game?

Mein Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ljgk/what_was_hitlers_favorite_video_game/
%
Why can't you eat mothballs?

It's too hard to get their little legs apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lim0/why_cant_you_eat_mothballs/
%
Right before I die, I’m going to eat an entire bag unpopped popcorn

It will make the cremation very interesting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lh1h/right_before_i_die_im_going_to_eat_an_entire_bag/
%
Praying Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest asked, They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun? 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.....'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible...Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...Then, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lg2v/praying_parrots/
%
I am starting a new sub reddit for Inception

I think will call it r/ r/ r/ r/ r/ r/ r/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lfuc/i_am_starting_a_new_sub_reddit_for_inception/
%
One benefit to being in the KKK is their great dental plan-

\- it keeps them white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lfnh/one_benefit_to_being_in_the_kkk_is_their_great/
%
What is the most pointless thing in the world?

Father's Day in Detroit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6lby6/what_is_the_most_pointless_thing_in_the_world/
%
Ever since my buddy downloaded Grindr he's been so excited about it

He can barely sit down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6la3w/ever_since_my_buddy_downloaded_grindr_hes_been_so/
%
What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6l7og/what_concert_only_costs_45_cents/
%
Michael Jackson wrote a song about my sex life

Beat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6l2hs/michael_jackson_wrote_a_song_about_my_sex_life/
%
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?

HAAAAANNNNNNDDDDD EEEEEYYYYYEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6l144/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
%
Where does a laser gun sit in church?

On a pew pew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6kvyu/where_does_a_laser_gun_sit_in_church/
%
Friend: Have you tried Ethiopian food?

Me: yeah I’ve skipped lunch before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ku6y/friend_have_you_tried_ethiopian_food/
%
I’m not racist, I love all races. Except....

Marathons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ksz1/im_not_racist_i_love_all_races_except/
%
What does a clock do when it’s hungry???

It goes back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6kplu/what_does_a_clock_do_when_its_hungry/
%
What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?

COOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6kl5k/what_did_santa_bring_the_naughty_soccer_announcer/
%
Paint the Whitehouse

Donald trump wants to paint the Whitehouse..  He calls for quotes.
Chinese guy quoted 3 million.
European guy quoted 7 million..
Indian guy quoted 10 million..
Trump asks the Chinese guy.."..how did you quote 3 million?"
Chinese guy replies .. "1 million for paint, 1 million for labour and 1 million profit.."
Trump asks European guy..
He replies-".. 3 million for paint, 2 million for labour and 2 million profit.."
Trump asks Indian guy.. He replies..      .."..4 million for you, 3 million for me and we will give 3 million to the Chinese guy to paint..!!"
Indian got the contract !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6kk3y/paint_the_whitehouse/
%
After years of searching, I finally found a great herb joke.

It's about thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6kerl/after_years_of_searching_i_finally_found_a_great/
%
A man and his wife were talking over dinner...

"Wife, I wish we could go back to how we were in the past.." he said whilst laying his hand on top of hers. She looked at him with a genuine smile, eyes beaming. Her husband continued: "..back to where we didn't know each other!".
- Credits to my mom who dropped this one before we went to sleep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ke5e/a_man_and_his_wife_were_talking_over_dinner/
%
A waitress walks up to one of her tables and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there, are furiously masturbating. She screams, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the men grunts, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry!"

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation!?"
One of the other businessmen gasps, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6kdyq/a_waitress_walks_up_to_one_of_her_tables_and/
%
I organised a secret Santa at work

I put my name on 10 pieces of paper and everybody picked one. Can’t wait till Monday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6kdp7/i_organised_a_secret_santa_at_work/
%
Dr. Jill Stein plans on marrying former senator Al Franken.

She will run for president in 2020 as Dr. Franken-Stein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6kci8/dr_jill_stein_plans_on_marrying_former_senator_al/
%
If I had a nickel for every time I was confused as to what’s going on,

I’d be saying “Why the hell is everyone giving me all these nickels?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6kaqz/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_i_was_confused/
%
TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6k9f4/til_the_richter_scale_is_no_longer_the_standard/
%
Body check

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6k5xq/body_check/
%
Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6k22o/police_officer_pulls_over_2_catholic_priests_says/
%
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6k1kp/the_recipe_said_set_the_oven_to_180_degrees/
%
Why was the transgender rooster afraid to talk to his parents?

He was too chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6k061/why_was_the_transgender_rooster_afraid_to_talk_to/
%
What was the worst thing to come out in 2017?

Kevin Spacey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6jzqs/what_was_the_worst_thing_to_come_out_in_2017/
%
What martial art is done using only your feet?

**Tofu**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6jrrj/what_martial_art_is_done_using_only_your_feet/
%
How does a butcher introduce his wife?

Meat patty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6jrg0/how_does_a_butcher_introduce_his_wife/
%
The Department is Education is canceling $150 million in student loans.

Those are a lucky 4 people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6jmr1/the_department_is_education_is_canceling_150/
%
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ?

Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran-
Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6jl9v/grandpa_what_has_4_legs_but_isnt_alive/
%
What’s the difference between Donald Trump & a Flying Pig?

The letter “F”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6jem9/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_a/
%
What did the french baker feel when his bakery collapsed on him?

Pain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6j97t/what_did_the_french_baker_feel_when_his_bakery/
%
Salary Theorem: The less you know, the more you earn (PROVEN INSIDE!!)

“Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People.”
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6j5lk/salary_theorem_the_less_you_know_the_more_you/
%
What are a ninja's favorite type of shoe?

Sneakers..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6j47x/what_are_a_ninjas_favorite_type_of_shoe/
%
I tickled my friend while he was driving.

We wrecked and he died.
I was charged with vehicular man’s laughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6j3cu/i_tickled_my_friend_while_he_was_driving/
%
What's the one thing Spiderman can't eat?

Uncle Ben's rice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6j0xn/whats_the_one_thing_spiderman_cant_eat/
%
Things I love

I love eating my parents and not using commas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6iyq5/things_i_love/
%
Why'd the lamb crash the car

Cause he was a sheep at the wheel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ixuv/whyd_the_lamb_crash_the_car/
%
What vegetable has the least manners?

The rude-abega.
I came up with this today at the grocery store, and I'm not a dad, so all you dads out there, here's one for your arsenal. Godspeed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ises/what_vegetable_has_the_least_manners/
%
At any given moment, the urge to sing "the lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away

A whim away, a whim away, a whim away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6iozh/at_any_given_moment_the_urge_to_sing_the_lion/
%
Do you know why French roads are lined with poplars?

So German troops can march in the shade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6injx/do_you_know_why_french_roads_are_lined_with/
%
The bartender says, "Get out! In this bar, we OBEY the law of causality!"

A tachyon walks into a bar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6im54/the_bartender_says_get_out_in_this_bar_we_obey/
%
We’ll we’ll we’ll

If it isn’t autocorrect...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ij5w/well_well_well/
%
How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ij3r/how_do_you_make_it_so_no_one_gets_offended_at_the/
%
What did one daughter cell say to the other daughter cell when she stepped on her foot?

My toe, sis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6iea4/what_did_one_daughter_cell_say_to_the_other/
%
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6i79u/in_a_nuclear_war_they_say_the_only_thing_to/
%
Why do reposts get more upvotes than original jokes?

Because it takes multiple tries for a Redditor to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6i64y/why_do_reposts_get_more_upvotes_than_original/
%
What is the difference between a professional wrapper and a professional rapper?

One is employed seasonally and the other is unemployed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6i4lr/what_is_the_difference_between_a_professional/
%
In the future there will be kids shouting jokes like...

Yo mama’s so old that when the Dentist told her to floss she started to dance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6i2tg/in_the_future_there_will_be_kids_shouting_jokes/
%
I heard that milk helps babies grow but I don't think it's true

I've poured three cartons over mine and all it's done so far is cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6huv1/i_heard_that_milk_helps_babies_grow_but_i_dont/
%
Mothers Support Group...

At a mother's support group, a gathering of ladies with their children are talking with a therapist about life issues. After a few rounds of discussion the therapist had come to a few conclusions she wanted to share.
She looks at the first mother and says, "The reason you named your daughter Brandy is because you've got an alcohol addiction."
The therapist turns to the 2nd mother and says, "And it's obvious you have an eating disorder, you named your daughter Candy."
Upon hearing the therapists first two diagnosis, the 3rd mother grabs her son's hand and says, "C'mon, Dick! We're outta here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6hste/mothers_support_group/
%
A young Scottish lad and lassie

were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out at the Loch.
They sat in silence for several minutes before the girl looked at the boy.
“A penny for your thoughts, Angus,” she said.
“Well, I was thinking. Perhaps it’s about time for a wee kiss,” he replied.
The girl blushed but gave Angus a kiss on his cheek.
The two then turned back to the Loch and continued to sit in silence again.
“Another penny for your thoughts, Angus,” the girl said.
Angus thought for a moment or two and looked concerned.
“Well, my thoughts are a bit more serious this time,” he finally replied.
“Really?” the girl asked. “Why?”
“Do you think it’s about time you paid me that first penny?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6hqeu/a_young_scottish_lad_and_lassie/
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A doctor told a girl from Alabama that she was pregnant.

She said, "Doc, I've been sleeping around so much, I'm not sure it's mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6hot8/a_doctor_told_a_girl_from_alabama_that_she_was/
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Isn't it eerie how you can be thinking of a certain person and they just show up out of nowhere?

Anyway, your mother just walked in on me masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6hge1/isnt_it_eerie_how_you_can_be_thinking_of_a/
%
How to tell apart a good electrician from a bad one

One is 16 feet above and one is 6 feet below ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6has1/how_to_tell_apart_a_good_electrician_from_a_bad/
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What is a Dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?

Comet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6h892/what_is_a_dinosaurs_least_favorite_reindeer/
%
What would be the name of a lesbian head nun?

Mother Fucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6h3ij/what_would_be_the_name_of_a_lesbian_head_nun/
%
What do we call a group of 12 atoms?

Dozen matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6h0bh/what_do_we_call_a_group_of_12_atoms/
%
Why did the pastry chef poison his pet parakeets?

He was trying to kill 2 birds with 1 scone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6gwx6/why_did_the_pastry_chef_poison_his_pet_parakeets/
%
A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of tomato soup

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of soup is still full. He asks, "Are you going to have that soup?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl over and helps himself. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the soup back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6gvj9/a_guy_walks_into_a_restaurant_and_orders_a_bowl/
%
My girlfriend was angry at me

She said, " You behave too much like a detective. I want to split up."
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6gpoo/my_girlfriend_was_angry_at_me/
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An older couple were exploring art museum...

...when they came across a painting that they didn't quite understand. It appeared to be three naked black men sitting on a bench, the one in the middle had a white penis. This made the couple ponder for a while.
What was the message? Was it a commentary on racism? Perhaps an insight into class struggle and a desire for one race to be like the other to gain more status in society? Perhaps nothing more than a shocking display meant to make you question your place in society.
Finally, after much thinking and much debate, they ask a docent of the art museum the meaning of the painting. Their suspicions were confirmed: it was a very deep painting that had all kinds of hidden meaning about class struggle and racism. Content with the answer from the docent they stood and looked at it once more to really let the meaning sink in.
As they were about to walk away they heard a soft voice with a pleasing accent behind them, "Vat zat museum employee told you about zat painting is wrong" Perplexed the couple turned to find a old man behind them leaning over a cane with a smile on his face.
They inquired, "how can you possibly know more than someone who works here? They are trained to know about all of these paintings down to the last detail!"
The man replied with a twinkle in his eye, "Vell, to tell you ze truth, I am ze man who painted it." The couple is slightly taken aback, but they want to know more. The old man continues, "I am sure ze employee did his job vit perfection but ze information he was given vas likely incorrect, he told you about ze racism and ze class struggle yes? Very good, he has done his job but zat is not vat zis painting is about." At this point the couple can barely hold back, the burst out in unison, "well go on and tell us already!!"
The old man looks up at his masterpiece, the years of toil over his art flooding back with a fresh stream of memories, he chuckles to himself and says, "Those are Swedish coal miners ze vun in ze middle vent home for lunch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6gnj8/an_older_couple_were_exploring_art_museum/
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Why does Gordon Ramsay hates /r/jokes?

Because some of them are either tasteless, or bland!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6gm11/why_does_gordon_ramsay_hates_rjokes/
%
Why was the baker arrested?

Excessive salt in batter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6gh2n/why_was_the_baker_arrested/
%
Threesome

When 3 people have sex, it's called a threesome.
When 2 people have sex, it's called a twosome.
Now i understand why they call you handsome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ger8/threesome/
%
The best part of being an only child is not having to share my toys.

The worst part was the haunting look on my brother's face as the ocean swept him away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6gbz5/the_best_part_of_being_an_only_child_is_not/
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I sleep better naked

Why can’t this flight attendant understand this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6gb30/i_sleep_better_naked/
%
What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?

Get outta my face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6gaiz/what_did_the_snowman_say_to_the_aggressive_carrot/
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I am a positive person...

When someone is negative to me, I become negative to him as well to make the whole situation positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6g9rx/i_am_a_positive_person/
%
I know loads of jokes about cash machines

I just cant think of any ATM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6g55a/i_know_loads_of_jokes_about_cash_machines/
%
It's a little know fact that the Kraken cannot be owned, only rented.

Re-lease the Kraken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6g2v7/its_a_little_know_fact_that_the_kraken_cannot_be/
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A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office

to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan,Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan  and Nathan" replies the Liverpool girl
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl,
"It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"
**copied from FB as I am rubbish at jokes.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6g2ud/a_liverpool_girl_goes_to_the_welfare_office/
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Be careful out there, there is a scam going on where you receive a phone call saying that you have won Elvis tribute tickets or money, it then says.

Press one for the money or two for the show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6fx1m/be_careful_out_there_there_is_a_scam_going_on/
%
A sense of humor is like food...

...you're not allowed to have it in Soviet Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ftut/a_sense_of_humor_is_like_food/
%
Mating Bull

A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign read: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month! You can learn from this one, too."
They proceeded to the last bull whose sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! This one mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask his owner if it was 365 times with the same cow."
Another One:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64ua8/lion_and_rat/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ftsg/mating_bull/
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Lecturer: "have any of you heard of pavlov's dogs?"

Student: "... It rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6fs5b/lecturer_have_any_of_you_heard_of_pavlovs_dogs/
%
Why are Jews bad at gardening?

Their soil is too Hasidic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6fqqn/why_are_jews_bad_at_gardening/
%
Wolverine can chop off his dick and it will grow back.

He’ll never be an ex man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6fqlz/wolverine_can_chop_off_his_dick_and_it_will_grow/
%
Jesus drove a Honda...

... but didn’t like to talk about it.
“For I did not speak of my own accord”
John 12:49a

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6flzi/jesus_drove_a_honda/
%
I found out my secretary cheats on me...

with her husband

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6fkak/i_found_out_my_secretary_cheats_on_me/
%
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It is a very rare dish order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6fk8g/my_wife_has_this_unusual_case_of_ocd_where_she/
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Remember the periods of 24 hours that made up a week

Yah, those were the days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6fk6s/remember_the_periods_of_24_hours_that_made_up_a/
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What is the only black thing in a redneck family?

The bruises on the wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6fhjm/what_is_the_only_black_thing_in_a_redneck_family/
%
What did Henry VIII say to his wife?

Easier dead than son, huh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6fhjb/what_did_henry_viii_say_to_his_wife/
%
I'm so disappointed. I bought dessert for a traditional German Christmas dinner.

But it was stollen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ffim/im_so_disappointed_i_bought_dessert_for_a/
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My girlfriend told me that she'll kick me out if I don't stop quoting Lynyrd Skynyrd.

I asked her "If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ffbh/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_shell_kick_me_out_if_i/
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My donkey stumbled on the road, bucking me off. Who's fault was it?

It was the asphalt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6fdog/my_donkey_stumbled_on_the_road_bucking_me_off/
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Little Johnny proudly says to his mum, Teacher asked a question today and I was the only one to get it right, Mum says that's good Johnny, what was the question?

Who is the dirty little bastard that has farted?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6fd5x/little_johnny_proudly_says_to_his_mum_teacher/
%
The frequency of bad physics jokes in this sub...

It Hertz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6fbeu/the_frequency_of_bad_physics_jokes_in_this_sub/
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A man goes into a Massage Parlor for his first Thai Massage

He's a little nervous because he's never gotten one before.
Before they start the woman asks him if he has any questions.
He says, "What should I expect?"
She replies, "Well you'll wear loose, comfortable clothing and lie on a mat. Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotions. There is constant body contact between the giver and receiver, but rather than rubbing on muscles, the body is compressed, pulled, stretched and rocked."
This sounds pleasant enough so they begin.
It's very enjoyable and quite sensual.
About Halfway Through she says, "Ok you can turn over on your back"
He slowly does and turns red in the face
The woman says "Don't worry it's 100% natural to get an erection during this type of massage"
He pauses and then replies, "Yeah but why do you have one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6fann/a_man_goes_into_a_massage_parlor_for_his_first/
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I keep ordering things that aren’t on the menu at this Vietnamese Sandwich Shop...

The lady behind the counter said: “If you keep doing that you’re gonna get in trouble!”
I replied: “Whadya gonna do...Bahn Mi?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6f7m1/i_keep_ordering_things_that_arent_on_the_menu_at/
%
What does a redneck say before he dies?

Hey watch this!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6f74s/what_does_a_redneck_say_before_he_dies/
%
Her choice.

What is the diference between a woman and a PC?
The woman doesn't accept a 3.5'' flopy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6f38p/her_choice/
%
Why do barbers make good drivers?

They know all the shortcuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6f2kh/why_do_barbers_make_good_drivers/
%
I must get my dyslexia sorted out.

I bought a car off ebay last week with no reserve.
The fucking thing won't go backwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6eyq7/i_must_get_my_dyslexia_sorted_out/
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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.
I thought, fuck me, I might win this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ewri/a_charity_worker_stopped_me_in_the_street_and/
%
Present for my dad

I've bought my dad a Zippo lighter for Christmas.
I want it to be a surprise when he comes back with the cigarettes he went out to buy ten years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6eue8/present_for_my_dad/
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How many whores does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously not 14 because my basement is still dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6en88/how_many_whores_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
I saw a wanted sign today

It read;
Wanted dead and alive,
Schrodinger's Cat﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6emni/i_saw_a_wanted_sign_today/
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The opposition accused me of plagiatorism...

...their words, not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6em9a/the_opposition_accused_me_of_plagiatorism/
%
A bloke goes to a fancy dress party with a naked woman on his back

Someone asks him “what are you supposed to be”
He says “I’m a turtle”
And the other person says “well who’s she”
And he says “that’s Michelle”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6em59/a_bloke_goes_to_a_fancy_dress_party_with_a_naked/
%
Bought some velcro today

Its a rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ekwz/bought_some_velcro_today/
%
A man walks into a bar

and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine, I just quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ekar/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I found a place where the recycling rate is 100%

r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6eh2b/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_100/
%
On a hot, windless day the president was out touring a new wind farm. Frustrated by the lack of good video footage, the president knocks on the base of a turbine and asks, “Why won’t this thing spin for me?”

“Oh, its not a huge fan.”  The developer explained.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ee9m/on_a_hot_windless_day_the_president_was_out/
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Hello 911

me: Hello 911
operator: hello what’s your emergency
me: these men won’t stop laughing
operator: ok yea that’s annoying but not a crime
me: wtf is manslaughter then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6edrp/hello_911/
%
Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.
"Name ?", said Jesus.
"Joseph."
"Occupation?"
"Carpenter."
Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"
"Yes."
"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"
"Yes!" said the old man.
Jesus looked at the old man with a tear in his eye, put his arms out and said, "Father! Father! It's me! It's me!"
The old man looked puzzled, then beamed - "Pinocchio!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ebby/meanwhile_at_the_pearly_gates/
%
Golden Wedding Anniversary

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.'
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,' explained the man.
'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.  We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.
My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you fucking crazy?'
She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
And from that moment ... we have lived happily every after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6eapu/golden_wedding_anniversary/
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No girl from Alabama is into doing reverse cowgirl

They don’t like turning their back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6eaa8/no_girl_from_alabama_is_into_doing_reverse_cowgirl/
%
Shamus....

Ya see tha' wall over there lad? I built that wall. I built that wall with mine own two hands. I chiseled every brick, laid every speck of mortar.
But they don't call me Shamus the wall builder, no.
Ya see tha' dock down there lad? I built that dock with mine own two hands. I drove every post, laid every board.
But they don't call me Shamus the dock builder, no.
Lad, do ya see tha' mill over there? I built that mill with mine own two hands. I laid every stone, clipped every cord.
But they don't call me Shamus the mill builder, no.
But ya fuck a goat one time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ea17/shamus/
%
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6e9wq/i_took_my_7_year_old_son_to_the_zoo_today_and_as/
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A new husband store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please and you are all total cows that want,want and fucking want.
Like the rest, you are also nothing but a greedy good for nothing cow.
No wonder you are on you own. you are a horrible cunt, that should be left on the shelf.
Just what you fucking deserve.
Now fuck off!
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer and fuck you whenever you desire!
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6e7sn/a_new_husband_store/
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Hitler dies and walks up the staircase to the Pearly Gates. As he arrives, he is crying in agony.

"I see you are sorry about what you did," says St. Peter, "so I forgive you all your sins and you shall enter heaven now."
"Thank you," Hitler replies, "it really hurts if you hit your toe on one of those fucking stairs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6e6tg/hitler_dies_and_walks_up_the_staircase_to_the/
%
A white, black, and Asian walked into a bar...

The bartender said, “Holy shit, a panda!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6e6l0/a_white_black_and_asian_walked_into_a_bar/
%
walked into a bar

A woman walked into a bar with a newt perched on her shoulder.
She ordered a drink for herself and the newt.
Whats its name? asked the bartender
'Tiny' said the woman.
'why do you call it Tiny?'
'Because he's my newt'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6e5n3/walked_into_a_bar/
%
I lost a really valuable item after a break-in the other night.

My balaclava was blown off in the wind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6e5aj/i_lost_a_really_valuable_item_after_a_breakin_the/
%
I went to prison for rape.

I heard it's the best place to experience it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6e38p/i_went_to_prison_for_rape/
%
A cat walks into a bar...

And out again, and in again, and out again, and in again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6e2ht/a_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did the dyslexic Rabbi say?

Yo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6e16k/what_did_the_dyslexic_rabbi_say/
%
Jokes about white sugar are rare.

But brown sugar, demerara

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6e03q/jokes_about_white_sugar_are_rare/
%
Where do naughty rainbows go?

Prism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6dzql/where_do_naughty_rainbows_go/
%
What does a ghost wear when it rains?

Boooooooooooots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6dx7o/what_does_a_ghost_wear_when_it_rains/
%
The other day I fell asleep on a clock

I actually woke up on time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6dvx3/the_other_day_i_fell_asleep_on_a_clock/
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What do you get when you throw an epileptic into a lettuce patch?

A seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6dvgp/what_do_you_get_when_you_throw_an_epileptic_into/
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There's nothing like a good joke.

And this is nothing like a good joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6dr0p/theres_nothing_like_a_good_joke/
%
How do all racist jokes start?

By looking over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6dq2r/how_do_all_racist_jokes_start/
%
Why are men sexier than women?

You can't spell sexy without xy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6dlwf/why_are_men_sexier_than_women/
%
I spent a few hours by my wife's grave today

She thinks I'm digging a pond

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6dg5h/i_spent_a_few_hours_by_my_wifes_grave_today/
%
I finally understood Einstein's theory of relativity.

It was about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6deyy/i_finally_understood_einsteins_theory_of/
%
Say what you will about Hitler, but remember.....

...he killed Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6d941/say_what_you_will_about_hitler_but_remember/
%
A guy and a girl are making out on a couch.

She says, “let’s take this upstairs.”
He replies, “okay, I’ll pick up this end. You grab the other”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6d7ix/a_guy_and_a_girl_are_making_out_on_a_couch/
%
Cleavage is like the sun

You can look but don’t stare unless you’re wearing sunglasses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6d5s8/cleavage_is_like_the_sun/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6d21s/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6d0w3/i_thought_vasectomies_were_supposed_to_keep_me/
%
4 guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and no lighter what do they do

They throw one out so the boat becomes one cigarette lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6d0jw/4_guys_are_on_a_boat_with_3_cigarettes_and_no/
%
What starts with M and ends with arriage?

Miscarriage
_this joke never gets old just like the baby_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6d0jk/what_starts_with_m_and_ends_with_arriage/
%
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6d03k/by_legalizing_cannabis_and_samesex_marriage_we/
%
The Best Actually Racist Joke I know

I hate myself for repeating this. But I heard this when I was living in Texas.
Two rednecks are admiring their firearms. One says, “I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights.” The second says, “I just like shooting cans.”
“That‘s a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.”
“Well, there’s so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6d02t/the_best_actually_racist_joke_i_know/
%
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6czoi/a_woman_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
%
A little old lady went to buy cat food.

She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food.
One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap."
The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6czjy/a_little_old_lady_went_to_buy_cat_food/
%
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6cziq/the_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_him_dad_whats/
%
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Okay, okay. I was at a friend's house watching a movie."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Infinity War."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Okay, okay, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ctq9/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
%
Yo mama so ugly

She has to get her vibrater drunk first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6cs3e/yo_mama_so_ugly/
%
Yo mama so stupid

She got fired from a blowjob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6cr6b/yo_mama_so_stupid/
%
My mother said she will smash my head into my keyboard if I don't get off of Reddit and do my homework, well I think she

Jfjdjgbgbhfjfhhfnfnt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6cqtk/my_mother_said_she_will_smash_my_head_into_my/
%
My old maths teacher was arrested today. In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler.

He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6cqb8/my_old_maths_teacher_was_arrested_today_in_his/
%
So I was sitting at a table in this bar.

When this lovely young lady seated at the table across from mine sneezed, her glass eye popped out and with a bounce of the table soared into my lap. I caught it out of instinct and handed it back to her. She thanked me and headed to the restroom to put it back to it's proper place. Upon returning this gorgeous women approaches me and asks me for my number. "Wait?! Me??" I respond. She says "Yes, of course you silly". "Why me?" I ask. She replied " It's not everyday someone catches your eye".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6cq4t/so_i_was_sitting_at_a_table_in_this_bar/
%
What turns Mrs. Batman on?

Batteries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6cn2h/what_turns_mrs_batman_on/
%
What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend

He wiped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6cmdy/what_did_the_canibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
Joke from a popsicle: what did the cheerleader drink before the big game?

A root beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6cjh7/joke_from_a_popsicle_what_did_the_cheerleader/
%
I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6chkf/i_was_over_at_my_friends_house_and_he_had_a_wall/
%
Someone's been adding soil to my garden...

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ce6r/someones_been_adding_soil_to_my_garden/
%
Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal

Feel free to go fuck yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6cdsv/masturbation_is_the_only_thing_not_taxed/
%
What do you call a gay Chinese man?

A Caucasian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ccur/what_do_you_call_a_gay_chinese_man/
%
How do you get your husband to stop looking at your emails

You rename it instructions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ccb5/how_do_you_get_your_husband_to_stop_looking_at/
%
What do you call 64 white guys in one room

One full Cherokee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6c9zd/what_do_you_call_64_white_guys_in_one_room/
%
I am a huge fan of R.E.M did you see the photo I got with them backstage after their concert,

that’s me in the corner...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6bz4n/i_am_a_huge_fan_of_rem_did_you_see_the_photo_i/
%
Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6byj5/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
%
What tea does Batman drink?

**Vigilan-tea**
I’ll excuse myself now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6bwxj/what_tea_does_batman_drink/
%
I said to my wife, "hunny, you're like a wrench... She said, why?"

I said, "because every time I see you my nuts get tight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6bvf7/i_said_to_my_wife_hunny_youre_like_a_wrench_she/
%
Christmas joke

Little Johnny writes a letter to Santa and says “santa can you bring me a baby brother” santa writes back “ hi little Johnny, can you send me your mother”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6bpuq/christmas_joke/
%
I illegally downloaded the movie Bohemian Rhapsody today

It is very poor quality. All I can see is the little silhouetto of a man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6bkkq/i_illegally_downloaded_the_movie_bohemian/
%
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis...

0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6bcdy/a_good_percentage_of_my_friends_are_nazis/
%
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6b8tn/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon/
%
Yesterday, my friend swore that his fields were constantly covered in mysterious crap that kept reappearing week after week after week.

It was all bull shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6b8lm/yesterday_my_friend_swore_that_his_fields_were/
%
A man from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin, who was working as a lawyer in California

They decided to go for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they
were hiking they were attacked by a pair of ~~pairs~~ bears, a big male and a slightly shorter female.
The male bear quickly dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape. He ran straight to the nearest ranger station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.
Sure enough, the rangers arrived at the place of the attack and saw the bears nearby. One of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the smaller female.
So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot that one? he said that the male ate his friend"
And the shooter replied "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech was in the male?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6b7v3/a_man_from_czechslovakia_was_visiting_his_cousin/
%
Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6b2g2/why_do_farts_smell/
%
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning

A man and his wife are
awakened at 3 o’clock in the
morning by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets
up and goes to the door where
a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking
for a push.
“Not a chance,” says
the husband, “It is three
o’clock in the morning.” He
slams the door and returns to
bed.
“Who was that?” asked
his wife.
“Just some drunk guy
asking for a push,” he answers. “It is three o’clock in
the morning and it is pouring
rain outside.”
His wife said, “Can’t
you remember about three
months ago when we broke
down and those two guys
helped us? I think you should
help him, and you should be
ashamed of yourself!”
So the man reluctantly
gets dressed and goes out
into the pouring rain. He calls
out into the dark, “Hello! Are
you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the
answer.
“Do you still need a
push?”
“Yes, please!” comes
the reply from the darkness.
“Where are you?”
“Over here on the
swing!!” replies the drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ayo0/a_man_and_his_wife_are_awakened_at_3_oclock_in/
%
I just finished up reading the dictionary.

It turns out that the Zebra did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6axpx/i_just_finished_up_reading_the_dictionary/
%
I Finally Passed the Bar Today!

Good thing, too. I really can't afford to be stopping in there every day anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6awl5/i_finally_passed_the_bar_today/
%
Why is a Mexican midget called a paragraph?

Because he is not a full essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6avi7/why_is_a_mexican_midget_called_a_paragraph/
%
A naked woman robbed a Bank

No one remembers her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6atb1/a_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank/
%
While in California, I wanted to enjoy breakfast at Mission Beach and some guy just threw my waffle on the ground.

I hate sandy Eggo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6as3g/while_in_california_i_wanted_to_enjoy_breakfast/
%
What do you call a fight between an extraterrestrial and a nerdy creep with no social life?

Alien vs redditor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6as0b/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_an/
%
After hauling a deer on the back of my car, I was disappointed to find the meat had gone bad.

Guess thats what I get for putting it on the spoiler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6artf/after_hauling_a_deer_on_the_back_of_my_car_i_was/
%
Knock Knock...

Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ar2y/knock_knock/
%
I organised a secret bukkake party for my girlfriend...

Everybody came, you should have seen her face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6apg2/i_organised_a_secret_bukkake_party_for_my/
%
My feelings about my son's school are mixed

Their whiteboards are remarkable but their paper is tearable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6ap52/my_feelings_about_my_sons_school_are_mixed/
%
A Japanese tour bus drove off a cliff, and landed in a popular fishing spot

A rescue team was sent in. But all they could find were crushed Asians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6aonc/a_japanese_tour_bus_drove_off_a_cliff_and_landed/
%
Why did the blonde girl have bruises around her belly button?

Blond guys arent that smart either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6alof/why_did_the_blonde_girl_have_bruises_around_her/
%
What do a library and a toilet have in common?

Both are places where assholes go to be loud and obnoxious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6akw0/what_do_a_library_and_a_toilet_have_in_common/
%
What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan?

weird flecks, but okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6aikq/what_did_the_gold_prospector_say_when_he_saw_bits/
%
What do you call a paycheck from a dirty job?

A Mike Rowe transaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6aaw8/what_do_you_call_a_paycheck_from_a_dirty_job/
%
What's the ideal blood type for a motivational speaker?

Be positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6aaok/whats_the_ideal_blood_type_for_a_motivational/
%
My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear."

Which was good advice...... Or was it ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6aa1n/my_grandfather_use_to_say_dont_believe_everything/
%
I think my new girlfriend might be a slut. When I asked her if she preferred being on top or on the bottom during sex, she replied...

"In the middle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6a7vh/i_think_my_new_girlfriend_might_be_a_slut_when_i/
%
I was walking down the street the other day when I stepped in dog shit.

A minute later, some guy did the same. I said to him, "I just did that".
So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6a7rw/i_was_walking_down_the_street_the_other_day_when/
%
Every Christmas with my family truly feels like the first Christmas.

There is no room, just three wise guys and a complete ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a69uiy/every_christmas_with_my_family_truly_feels_like/
%
Before my girlfriend walked out, she left a note on the fridge saying "This isn't working"

Which is weird, because the beer I pulled out after reading the note was pretty cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a69u47/before_my_girlfriend_walked_out_she_left_a_note/
%
My teacher found out a family member of mine had passed away

To show his respect, he marked all my work with an F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a69tgu/my_teacher_found_out_a_family_member_of_mine_had/
%
My therapist said I don't know how to empathise with people

But to be honest I don't really care about what he thinks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a69pqe/my_therapist_said_i_dont_know_how_to_empathise/
%
A scientist friend of mine tried to convince me that Ironman could actually be a woman.

He broke it down for me like this. Fe Male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a69pcc/a_scientist_friend_of_mine_tried_to_convince_me/
%
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.

Just two palms and no dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a69pan/my_sex_life_is_hot_like_the_sahara_desert/
%
/u/username goes to do his weekly groceries.

Username checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a69ot2/uusername_goes_to_do_his_weekly_groceries/
%
What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a69m0n/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
Four fathers go out for a game of golf...

One heads to the bathroom and the other three start to talk about their sons.
The first father goes - my son is a very good cars salesman, and because he is so successful at his job, he even gave a free car to his friend.
The second father goes - my son is a very good stock salesman, and because he is so successful, he even gave an entire free stock portfolio to his friend.
The third father goes - my son is a very good realtor, and because he is so successful, he even gave a free house to he friend.
The fourth father comes back from the bathroom.
The others explain that they have been talking about their sons and asked what his son does.
The fourth father sighs and says - well my son is gay and goes to a gay nightclub. He is doing really well though, his last three boyfriends gave him a free car, stock portfolio and even a house!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a69kak/four_fathers_go_out_for_a_game_of_golf/
%
There is a big difference... between Men and Women when they say :

"I finished a whole box of tissue watching that film last night..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a69iz3/there_is_a_big_difference_between_men_and_women/
%
I'm sure that there's plenty of jokes about unemployment

but they just don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a69gpp/im_sure_that_theres_plenty_of_jokes_about/
%
I'm going to start a charity event for Alzheimer's....

It's called *A Walk to Remember*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a69a1h/im_going_to_start_a_charity_event_for_alzheimers/
%
After falling on hard times, Mike Tyson decided to set up a "get punched by a celebrity" booth at the state fair, but sadly there was little interest.

Yeah he was hoping for a punch line too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6984u/after_falling_on_hard_times_mike_tyson_decided_to/
%
Why were the prisoners of Alcatraz upset when the shortest inmate broke free by sliding down his homemade rope?

It was a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6980b/why_were_the_prisoners_of_alcatraz_upset_when_the/
%
What's one of the perks of going to a big college on Southern California?

UCLA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6976n/whats_one_of_the_perks_of_going_to_a_big_college/
%
A girl is having sex with her boyfriend

At her parents house . When her father walked in on them
“Dad!” She exclaimed in a panic . I’m sorry
The dad being a dad says . Hi sorry . I’m dad
He then turns to the boyfriend and says . ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?!?!?!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a695d4/a_girl_is_having_sex_with_her_boyfriend/
%
My 6 yr old daughter had a joke for me this morning that made me chuckle...

Daughter: knock knock
Dad: who's there?
Daughter: dwayne
Dad: dwayne who?
Daughter: dwayne the tub, I'm dwowning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a694p0/my_6_yr_old_daughter_had_a_joke_for_me_this/
%
Three guys walk into a bar..

After a few drinks the first man goes you know what? "I think i have the worlds smallest head". After a few more drinks the second man says "you know what? I think I have the worlds smallest arms" after a few hours the third man comes back from the back from the bathroom and says "You know what? I think i have the worlds smallest penis"
The next day the three men go to the Guinness World Records offices and come back. The first man comes out his meeting and says "Guess what! I have the worlds smallest arms!" The second man comes out of the office and says "I have the worlds smallest head!"
The third man comes out and says "WHO THE FUCK IS U/SKIPZNEO!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6921w/three_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A killer chases a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

The three finds three potato sacks to hide in. The killer finds the sacks and decided to poke each one.
When the killer poked the brunette, the brunette goes “meow, meow.” Then the killer pokes the red head, and she goes “bark! bark!” Finally, the killer pokes the blonde in the potato sack and she says, “potato! potato!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68zq4/a_killer_chases_a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead/
%
Orion's belt is a big waist of space

Horrible joke only 3 stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68zcc/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
%
Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...
Habib begs just as long as Ali does,  but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib asks Ali :-
'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads
'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Ali  says No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Ali shows Habib his sign....
It reads,
'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68wqq/two_beggars_in_london/
%
After the war, Anne Frank went on to become a very successful farmer. She became famous for producing all sorts of goods including milk, cheese, and the most amazing butter.

It was the Dairy of Anne Frank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68wih/after_the_war_anne_frank_went_on_to_become_a_very/
%
John and Jane were holding hands walking in the middle of the road. A car drove right between them.

At the hospital, their mutual friend Jacquelyn asked the doctor, “how’s John?”
The doctor replied, “he lost his left arm and leg... but he’s *all right* now.”
After giving the doctor a long stare, she asked, “how about Jane? Is she okay?”
The doctor sighed, “what’s *left* of her... that is.”
Jacquelyn proceeded to have the longest facepalm ever recorded in history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68wf4/john_and_jane_were_holding_hands_walking_in_the/
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What's that hairy thing

Boy in the bath with his mum. Boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum ?" Mum replies, "That is my sponge." "Oh yes," says the boy, "The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68w0j/whats_that_hairy_thing/
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How do you call a woman who offers sex for money?

Of course: With your phone...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68u8g/how_do_you_call_a_woman_who_offers_sex_for_money/
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I like self deprecating humour.

Although I’m not very good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68tzh/i_like_self_deprecating_humour/
%
Why do dwarves laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68tgo/why_do_dwarves_laugh_when_they_play_soccer/
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Did you hear of the dyslexic satanist?

He now hails Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68pju/did_you_hear_of_the_dyslexic_satanist/
%
What's the sign most of people are compatible With?

The dollar sign

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68nw6/whats_the_sign_most_of_people_are_compatible_with/
%
I can't wait to hear the big song from the new Mary Poppins movie...

SuperCapitalisticallyExploitingOldNostalgia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68n8b/i_cant_wait_to_hear_the_big_song_from_the_new/
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RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker

He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68moi/rip_to_longtime_the_price_is_right_host_bob_barker/
%
What do you call peppers from the Philippines?

Filipeños

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68lpr/what_do_you_call_peppers_from_the_philippines/
%
What kind of shoes does Voldemort wear?

Horcrocs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68lp5/what_kind_of_shoes_does_voldemort_wear/
%
What did the Virgin Mary say?

“Jesus Christ! Clean your room! Were you born in a barn?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68jt2/what_did_the_virgin_mary_say/
%
When is the best time to have diarrhea?

When playing scrabble, because it’s worth a SHIT ton of points.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68jpx/when_is_the_best_time_to_have_diarrhea/
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Dog's IQ

A  psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $20.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68ir6/dogs_iq/
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A man walks into his doctors office....

A man walks into his doctors office with one side of his face bruised and beat up.
“Good lord!” the doctor said. “What in the world happened?”
“Well” the man said, “I was sitting there in church, and when the preacher said ‘all rise’, this woman in front of me stood up and her skirt was kind of stuck up in her butt crack. She didn’t seem to notice but people were staring and I felt bad for her so I reached over and pulled it out for her. Then she beat me with her purse!
The doctor shook his head, gave the man some ointment and counseled him on his behavior.
A week later the guy was back to see the doctor again, this time with the other side of his face beat up and bruised.
“Good lord!” the doctor said. “Now what happened?”
“Well”, the main said, “I was sitting there in church and that same woman was in front of me. When the preacher said ‘all rise’, she stood up and her skirt was all stuck up in her butt crack again.”
“Tell me you didn’t pull it out again?!” the doctor exclaimed.
“No, no” the man said, “but the fellow next to me did. And I knew what a mean bitch she was so I reached over and stuffed it back up there again.”
(Told to me by my step dad 35-40 years ago)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68cqb/a_man_walks_into_his_doctors_office/
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What’s the difference between the average American and this subreddit?

The average American doesn’t recycle trash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68c2b/whats_the_difference_between_the_average_american/
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What did the rest of the periodic table say as gold went home at the end of the day?

Au revoir!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68bg4/what_did_the_rest_of_the_periodic_table_say_as/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a687dz/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
Kids are like farts...

You can only stand your own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a684w2/kids_are_like_farts/
%
Why do Christians hate science?

They always think of it as two Adams bonding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6845u/why_do_christians_hate_science/
%
3 guys go out drinking one night.....

they get absolutely hammered and eventually find their ways home.
they all meet up the following morning for coffee and breakfast.
1st guy says: Man I was so hammered last night I went home and blew chunks!!
2nd guy says: That's nothing!! I woke up naked in the local park! No idea how I got there or what happened!!
3rd guy says: Seriously? Thats all? I drove my car home and crashed into a building and injured 3 nuns!! One might be dead by the end of the day! I'm screwed!!
1st guy says: No, no guys, you don't understand! Chunks is my DOG!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a683xb/3_guys_go_out_drinking_one_night/
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Woman’s perfect breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a682ve/womans_perfect_breakfast/
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Save money!

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?'
He answers, 'You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, cause it's SO much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a682kb/save_money/
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A man sees an extremely pretty nun walk onto the bus...

Although she's a nun, he tries his best moves but ultimately she turns him down. As she steps off, the bus driver lowers his voice and says, "Hey buddy. I know that nun. I know for a fact she prays every Saturday at midnight down by the cemetery. Maybe if you dress up as Jesus and surprise her, who knows?". The man at first thinks it's a stupid idea, but ultimately figures what's the worse that could happen. So Saturday at midnight, the man dresses up as Jesus and heads down to the cemetery. Sure enough, the nun is kneeling next to the graves, praying. The man steps close and shouts, "Behold. It is I, your messiah. I select you as the one to share my physical love with." The nun agrees, but asks Jesus if they could do anal so she could keep the sanctity of her virginity. The man sniggers and agrees and the two have sex right then and there. After, the man slips off the Jesus outfit and says, "Ha! I'm the guy you wouldn't give the time of day to on the bus. I've tricked you into sleeping with me!". The nun, slips off the outfit and says, "Ha! Well I'm the bus driver! Thanks for the good time".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a68134/a_man_sees_an_extremely_pretty_nun_walk_onto_the/
%
I'm selling my stationery bike.

The pedaling makes it nearly impossible to write a letter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a67ybh/im_selling_my_stationery_bike/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a67xeu/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I introduced my communist friend to Minecraft the other day.

Too bad he ended up starving to death.
What's worse is he's still AFK in my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a67taj/i_introduced_my_communist_friend_to_minecraft_the/
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Why is ‘Dark’ spelled with a k and not a c?

Because you can’t see in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a67rad/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
%
A man was out celebrating his birthday with his friend.

After a night of drinking, the other says "Hey man, why don't we go back to your house? The present I got you is there." So they do. When they let themselves in, there's a light already on, and a scantily clad blonde woman greets them.
"Hiiiii, handsome! One, two!" she says, pointing at each man in turn. Satisfied, she turns and walks into the kitchen and opens the silverware drawer. Picking up each fork, she happily squeals "One, two, three, four, five, six!" She puts the forks back and crosses into the bathroom. Unspooling the toilet paper, she tallies every single square.
The guy's friend seems pretty pleased, but he himself is utterly baffled. "What's going on? Is this bimbo my gift?"
The friend nods. "You bet, man. Sorry if it's not what you wanted, but.... It's the thot that counts, right?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a67qen/a_man_was_out_celebrating_his_birthday_with_his/
%
Last Christmas I gave my grandad a prostitute and a duvet....

Which surprised him, as he'd actually asked for a tartan blanket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a67q37/last_christmas_i_gave_my_grandad_a_prostitute_and/
%
I made a promise to my new pair of underpants.

I shit you not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a67oft/i_made_a_promise_to_my_new_pair_of_underpants/
%
If you have a beard and wear robes, you're a Wizard. If you have a goatee and wear robes, you're a Sorcerer...

...and if you have a mustache and wear robes, you're not allowed near public schools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a67kyj/if_you_have_a_beard_and_wear_robes_youre_a_wizard/
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A woman was in court being sentenced for beating her husband to death with his electric guitars...

Judge: First offender?
Woman: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a67i7e/a_woman_was_in_court_being_sentenced_for_beating/
%
Friends are like snowflakes...

They disappear as soon as you pee on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a67fw2/friends_are_like_snowflakes/
%
Homeless people are a lot like wikipedia

If you give them $3 they might make it till next year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a67duy/homeless_people_are_a_lot_like_wikipedia/
%
Where do horses go when they get sick?

The Horsepital.
Just kidding they get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a67bg9/where_do_horses_go_when_they_get_sick/
%
A woman walks in to a bar and asks the bartender for a double-entendre.

So he gives it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a676ji/a_woman_walks_in_to_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
%
"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone

What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66xgv/now_cut_the_red_wire_to_defuse_the_bomb_sir_said/
%
First you're Russian,

Then, European,
Then, you're Finnish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66sag/first_youre_russian/
%
I'm just like a living wikipedia

If everyone gives me $3, I can live until next year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66qwy/im_just_like_a_living_wikipedia/
%
What did the slaves owners use to purchase their slaves?

A MasterCard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66p9g/what_did_the_slaves_owners_use_to_purchase_their/
%
Trump, Clinton, Obama, and Bush each ran a mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56
Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31
Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03
But Bush did 9:11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66o5o/trump_clinton_obama_and_bush_each_ran_a_mile/
%
An ugly guy walks into a bar...

A rather ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and Orders a draft beer.
'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the Railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar, last night, INoticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of Course, went and cut her free, and took her back to my place...
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all Night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on Top, every position imaginable!'
'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. Was she pretty?'
' Don 't know. Never found the head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66nwe/an_ugly_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two friends are talking about the war on the Arabian Peninsula. One asks the other, "Didn't a bunch of kids die or something?" His friends responds:

"Yemeni children died"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66mx8/two_friends_are_talking_about_the_war_on_the/
%
Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66kww/why_did_the_console_player_cross_the_road/
%
So a prostitute offered me to do anything for 500 bucks..

I asked her to complete the remote helicopter mission in the GTA Vice City

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66ku6/so_a_prostitute_offered_me_to_do_anything_for_500/
%
I spent yesterday afternoon making a belt out of watches,

It was a complete waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66jzp/i_spent_yesterday_afternoon_making_a_belt_out_of/
%
Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66ey3/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
Do you want to know a pizza joke?

Never mind it's too cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66bvo/do_you_want_to_know_a_pizza_joke/
%
What is the distinction between nervousness, fear and panic?

Nervousness is when your wife is pregnant.
Fear is when your girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when they both are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66b1a/what_is_the_distinction_between_nervousness_fear/
%
Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene.

When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, "That's round John Virgin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66az1/teacher_asked_the_class_to_draw_a_nativity_scene/
%
When i was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in,

She really wanted a daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66ajs/when_i_was_a_young_boy_my_mom_would_always_tuck/
%
I just want to thank my bank for lending me the money for my new house.

I don’t know how I could ever repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a66a52/i_just_want_to_thank_my_bank_for_lending_me_the/
%
Why was Hitler Destined to fail?

*3 Reichs and you're out*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6698g/why_was_hitler_destined_to_fail/
%
In what way is life like a circle?

It's constantly repeating and utterly pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6678h/in_what_way_is_life_like_a_circle/
%
Why do so many robots live in Africa?

'Cause Botswana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6676h/why_do_so_many_robots_live_in_africa/
%
Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6665f/last_christmas_my_parents_got_me_a_pair_of_flip/
%
2 Rednecks are sitting on the front porch.....

They are drinking beer and talking about life.
The dog in the driveway starts licking his own balls.
One of the guys says, "Man, I wish I could do that"
*The other responds, "You try that and that dog will bite you"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a665s7/2_rednecks_are_sitting_on_the_front_porch/
%
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings

But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a664jt/the_vagina_has_more_than_8000_nerve_endings/
%
What sound does a noodle make, when used as a whip?

"SPAGHET!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a663vb/what_sound_does_a_noodle_make_when_used_as_a_whip/
%
What's Hitler's favorite Christmas song?

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6632y/whats_hitlers_favorite_christmas_song/
%
Whenever Autumn comes around, I like to walk around and collect the colourful leaves.

It sounds better than saying I'm a street sweeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a660be/whenever_autumn_comes_around_i_like_to_walk/
%
I've never been married but I can imagine what it must be like.

I once had a stone in my shoe for 10 hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a65xtj/ive_never_been_married_but_i_can_imagine_what_it/
%
A blonde tries to prove that blondes aren't dumb at a blonde convention

So she goes on stage and a guy asks her math question while the crowd watches, the first question he asks is "What is 5 * 20?", she answers "80?", so the crowd starts to chant, "One more try! One more try!". So the guy asks another question, "What is 18 + 7", to which she replies, "30", and the crowd starts chanting again,"One more try! One more try!". He asks a third question, "What is 2 + 2?", and she replies with, "4", and the crowd starts yelling, "ONE MORE TRY! ONE MORE TRY!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a65w3v/a_blonde_tries_to_prove_that_blondes_arent_dumb/
%
What to do when your mother in law is zigzagging across your backyard?

Shoot again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a65vzk/what_to_do_when_your_mother_in_law_is_zigzagging/
%
Please stop putting flyers on my trucks windshield.

I'm not interested in seeing a band called Parking Violation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a65tid/please_stop_putting_flyers_on_my_trucks_windshield/
%
Being married is a lot like playing tennis...

It's all about the backhand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a65rvd/being_married_is_a_lot_like_playing_tennis/
%
What do you call a rat that lost its leg?

A pi-rat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a65qb8/what_do_you_call_a_rat_that_lost_its_leg/
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"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)
One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publishing company, and couldn't stay for long as he had to get back to work. Roy admired his work but didnt get a chance to tell Alister that he worked in IT, showing that he too was successful. He made sure to let him know next time he saw him.
After work that day, a window cleaner came by Roy's house and without his consent started cleaning his windows, looking for a tip. Enraged, Roy asked him to get off his property. The man ran away without taking his bicycle and cleaning supplies located in the bike basket.
The next day, Roy was running late for work and thought to take this old cleaner bike since he knew a shortcut. During his commute, Alister was walking on a sidewalk and saw Roy zoom past him. Roy saw him as he was zooming past and waved. Alister gave a sort of smug smirk as he waved back, seeing the cleaning supplies and raggedy bike. Since Roy was in a rush he couldn't stop, but he yelled back at him from far away "Oh Alister, I am not a window cleaner!" He knew he'd run into him again one day and explain the confusion, so he didnt think much of it.
A few days pass and this time Roy takes his lunch break to go with a good friend to a private lounge in an area downtown. The music is great, the people are intellectual and Roy starts to imagine that it must be so foolish for Alister to think that he is a window cleaner. His break is almost over and Roy decides to step outside for a breather. He comes out on the roof of the building and walks around, really taking in the view. Roy goes back to the door and attempts to rattle it open, but its locked. He soon realises a mistake was made, as there was no reentry to the building. Panicked, he looks around the roof of the building for a way to get down. He notices a man with a lift to get down on the side, as the man washes the building once a week and so happened to be on his way down. He approaches the man and luckily hitches a ride down. During his descent, Roy spots Alister across the street, drinking a coffee. Roy blindly believes he gets very lucky as he begins to shout from the lift "Alister! Alister!"
Alister looks up and sees Roy descending from the lift with the window cleaner next to him.
"Alister! I am NOT a window cleaner!" As Roy comes down from the lift. Alister looks bewildered and immediately leaves, thinking Roy has gone off his rockers. At this point, the window cleaner next to him gives him a dirty look for mocking his profession. Awkwardness ensues.
Roy could not sleep that night. He made it a mission to find Alister and explain all the misunderstandings. He looks him up in the yellow pages and reaches his number. He gives him a call. Alister picks up the phone.
"Alister, its Roy. Listen, I have to explain myself to you. I am NOT a window cleaner. I am in IT working for a firm in the city. I hope you dont think less of me!"
Alister calmly responds. "IT? that's wonderful. Do you work with macs?"
"Macs? Oh no, I work mainly with Windows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a65pnk/im_not_a_window_cleaner/
%
Who was the first plagiarist?

Moses.
He could control sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a65jk3/who_was_the_first_plagiarist/
%
Why did the Romans nailing Jesus to a cross lead to Christianity being the world's most believed religeon?

They made him hole-y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a65j8g/why_did_the_romans_nailing_jesus_to_a_cross_lead/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a65fwg/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
My great-grandfather warned everyone that the Titanic would sink

He screamed that the ship would sink, but nobody would listen.
He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again... until he was kicked out of the cinema.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a65ebs/my_greatgrandfather_warned_everyone_that_the/
%
Why did God make women so pretty but dumb?

He made women pretty so men would like women, He made women dumb so women would like men back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a65a2w/why_did_god_make_women_so_pretty_but_dumb/
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What did one nut saying when chasing another nut?

"I'm a cashew!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a659n8/what_did_one_nut_saying_when_chasing_another_nut/
%
I went to the doctors office yesterday

Only to find out that my new doctor is a hot, busty blonde. Drop dead gorgeous.
Taken back, I'm a little embarrassed...
She said, "don't worry, I'm a professional and I've seen it all. So whatever your problem is, I'll check it out."
I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a65814/i_went_to_the_doctors_office_yesterday/
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I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a655cy/im_a_masochist_theres_nothing_i_love_more_than/
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All you need is love

and an IQ low enough to believe that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6550t/all_you_need_is_love/
%
When I trained to be a doctor, I decided to specialize in lobotomies.

Seemed like a no-brainer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a654bw/when_i_trained_to_be_a_doctor_i_decided_to/
%
Why did the old man fall in the well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a653l8/why_did_the_old_man_fall_in_the_well/
%
My teenage daughter has been trying to straighten a picture on her bedroom wall for the past hour.

She literally can’t even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6533f/my_teenage_daughter_has_been_trying_to_straighten/
%
What do you call a gay person asking a question?

a queery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6529i/what_do_you_call_a_gay_person_asking_a_question/
%
Chuck Norris once passed 6 kidney stones.

They were then subsequently collected by Thanos to wipe out half of all life in the universe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6519i/chuck_norris_once_passed_6_kidney_stones/
%
Karma is like 69.

You get what you give.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64xzr/karma_is_like_69/
%
The teacher asks the student, what do you choose?

Money or Mind?
Student: Money
The teacher smiled and said: I'll choose the mind.
The student also smiled and said: you're right, everyone chooses what they need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64x0u/the_teacher_asks_the_student_what_do_you_choose/
%
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.  Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.  The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box.  It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64vqv/driving_to_work_a_gentlman_had_to_swerve_to_avoid/
%
My Friend and I were exploring the Appalachia on Fallout 76

Well, that was until I shot him in the head with my pistol.
Now, to be fair, I did have an airtight alibi for this.
I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64vld/my_friend_and_i_were_exploring_the_appalachia_on/
%
Lion and Rat

A Mouse and Giraffe’s affair
A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.
"Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"
"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.
So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her. Within
five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night.
The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe. What happened after that? Was she all right?"
The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else! She invited me back to her place to spend the night."
"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.
"Well", says the mouse, "Between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a hundred miles!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64ua8/lion_and_rat/
%
"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there.  Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64tuk/nice_bike_you_got_there_did_santa_bring_that_to/
%
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse...

But i beat her to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64qzx/my_wife_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_domestic_abuse/
%
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.

Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64qw3/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_will_feed_him_for_the/
%
Dark Humour is like food

not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64p87/dark_humour_is_like_food/
%
The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64oot/the_secret_service_just_had_to_change_protocol/
%
Where did the pizza learn martial arts?

Dough-jo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64od3/where_did_the_pizza_learn_martial_arts/
%
To the man who invented autocorrect

I ducking hope you burn in hello

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64o5n/to_the_man_who_invented_autocorrect/
%
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." poof.

**He disappeared without a tres.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64nu9/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
%
Pansexual?

Well, I'm not really attracted to pans, but I do think the stove's hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64nkj/pansexual/
%
What kind of shoes does Voldemort wear?

Horcrocs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64kw7/what_kind_of_shoes_does_voldemort_wear/
%
What is United Kingdom's top song for December 2018?

"All I want for Christmas is EU"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64kb0/what_is_united_kingdoms_top_song_for_december_2018/
%
What is a Jewish conspiracy theorists biggest fear?

The Illumi-nazis.
😂Thought of this while driving yesterday...so it’s original as far as I know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64ji8/what_is_a_jewish_conspiracy_theorists_biggest_fear/
%
Normally I’d never be one for a threesome.

But when my best friend asked to join him and this really hot girl, I had to. Because I’m a really good friend and all. So we go over to his place and get after it, and we had been going for a while and I was starting to get exhausted.
Then I asked “When is the girl showing up?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64jew/normally_id_never_be_one_for_a_threesome/
%
How do you make Holy Water?

Well, you boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64h97/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
I’m like a pirate...

I’ve got bad karma but I still want gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64g35/im_like_a_pirate/
%
Women Are Like Snowflakes

... beautiful, unique, elegant, and deadly on the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64fhu/women_are_like_snowflakes/
%
“It’s impossible,” said pride. “It’s risky,” said experience. “It’s pointless,”said reason. “Give it a try,” said the heart,

"You're full of shit" said the bowels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64e5t/its_impossible_said_pride_its_risky_said/
%
I wouldn’t say that I’m psychic,

but I do feel like I know exactly what was going through JFK’s mind when he was assassinated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a649qy/i_wouldnt_say_that_im_psychic/
%
What’s the best way to get a drink out of an Irishman?

Stick your finger down his throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a649dw/whats_the_best_way_to_get_a_drink_out_of_an/
%
My wife asked me if I knew how to spot a fake beach

Faux shore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a647fs/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_knew_how_to_spot_a_fake/
%
My ex left me because I listen to Linkin Park, took me a year to realize.

In the end, it doesn't even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64744/my_ex_left_me_because_i_listen_to_linkin_park/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as a choir boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a643d9/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a642ht/as_i_sat_there_scratching_my_ass_and_spying_on_my/
%
Why couldn't the hobbit go into the bathroom?

Because it was orcuppied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a641v8/why_couldnt_the_hobbit_go_into_the_bathroom/
%
I was super sad when my crush told me she only likes me as a brother...

Then I realized we are from Alabama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a641sd/i_was_super_sad_when_my_crush_told_me_she_only/
%
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a64037/if_i_ever_find_out_the_name_of_the_surgeon_that/
%
Professor: this is the largest species of moth that we know of

Me: \*under breath\* ᵐᵃᵐᵐᵒᵗʰ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a63z6m/professor_this_is_the_largest_species_of_moth/
%
What movie was basically just an ad?

The Hulk. It was just one giant Banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a63ylp/what_movie_was_basically_just_an_ad/
%
I think my carbon monoxide detector is malfuctioning, but

Pineapple laundry dictionary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a63s14/i_think_my_carbon_monoxide_detector_is/
%
Trump is doing everything in his power to make Mexico pay for the wall

By acting so batshit crazy they want to build the wall themselves for protection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a63pb9/trump_is_doing_everything_in_his_power_to_make/
%
Only anti-vaxxers will get this.

The Measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a63n2q/only_antivaxxers_will_get_this/
%
If I had two fish I’d name them one and two...

Because if one died, I’d still have two!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a63lg1/if_i_had_two_fish_id_name_them_one_and_two/
%
Why does Batman wear Dark clothing?

Batman doesn't want to get shot.
Why does Robin wear bright clothing?
Batman doesn't want to get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a63k1m/why_does_batman_wear_dark_clothing/
%
just had to take my son's shitty diaper off,

really don't know why i put it on in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a63j7b/just_had_to_take_my_sons_shitty_diaper_off/
%
What do you call a duck that always hits the target?

A quackshot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a63cp6/what_do_you_call_a_duck_that_always_hits_the/
%
Protesters in Paris just attacked a fromagerie (cheese shop)!

There's nothing left but de brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a631yg/protesters_in_paris_just_attacked_a_fromagerie/
%
My bathroom scale is like a ferrari

I can go from 0 to 300 in about 5 seconds with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a62y1v/my_bathroom_scale_is_like_a_ferrari/
%
My favorite kind of joke is one that uses proper punctuation

Period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a62w1a/my_favorite_kind_of_joke_is_one_that_uses_proper/
%
A man goes to his doctor asking for the secret to live a hundred years...

The doctor asks him, “Do you drink”
The man says no
“Do you smoke”
The man says no
“Do you have a lot of sex with many women”
The man says no
The doctor says, “Then what’s the point in you even living”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a62red/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor_asking_for_the_secret_to/
%
Wife : Do I look fat?

Husband : Do I look stupid?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a62pzp/wife_do_i_look_fat/
%
There's no need to feel down when fat shamed.

Just keep your chins up and be the bigger man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a62nl0/theres_no_need_to_feel_down_when_fat_shamed/
%
Conversation between a nerdy guy and a nerdy girl

Guy: "You denature my proteins."
Girl: "Are you saying I'm hot?"
Guy: "No, I'm saying you're basic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a62mss/conversation_between_a_nerdy_guy_and_a_nerdy_girl/
%
I tried to come up with a pun for flour and sugar but I forgot.

I'll have to sift through my mind to find it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a62lsr/i_tried_to_come_up_with_a_pun_for_flour_and_sugar/
%
A crow invited all his friends to come round to his house, but no-one showed up....

It was an attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a62cjp/a_crow_invited_all_his_friends_to_come_round_to/
%
How much does presidential impeachment insurance cost?

Just one pence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a629rz/how_much_does_presidential_impeachment_insurance/
%
Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in

Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me!
Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a629g5/husband_was_screwing_his_secretary_up_the_ass/
%
Woody walks in on Little Bo Peep and Buzz Light year in the bedroom...

Woody, baffled, says "What is going on here??"
Bo Peep Replies: "You've got a friend in me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a626fh/woody_walks_in_on_little_bo_peep_and_buzz_light/
%
"I bet that you can wrap Christmas presents with your eyes closed,” I said to my wife.

"I probably could,” she laughed.
"Great I’ll just go and get yours”, I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a625uc/i_bet_that_you_can_wrap_christmas_presents_with/
%
I went and tried to buy a toaster on the Dark Web

One of them was called the "Bath Bomb."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6257q/i_went_and_tried_to_buy_a_toaster_on_the_dark_web/
%
Minecraft is Racist

Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water--they can't swim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6242l/minecraft_is_racist/
%
Today in sex Ed class the teacher used a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom.

It was disturbing to see a grown man put a banana peel on his dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a61yov/today_in_sex_ed_class_the_teacher_used_a_banana/
%
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?

For Hispanic Attack!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a61r8p/why_did_the_mexican_take_a_xanax/
%
In a biology lab, a blonde wanted to flaunt to her science teacher

In this lab, the teacher asked the students to separate ants in a jar by sex. The blonde, having studied yesterday, suddenly had a good idea.
She took a beaker, filled it with water, then poured it in the jar of ants.
The teacher, immediately noticed and said, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
The blonde smuggingly said, "Look!, some ants float, and some don't. That is because the ones that float are boy ant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a61jb5/in_a_biology_lab_a_blonde_wanted_to_flaunt_to_her/
%
Farmers these days need to feed their cows marijuana to create a better tasting steak than their competitors

It seems these days the steaks could never be higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a61j7t/farmers_these_days_need_to_feed_their_cows/
%
I got scammed and overpaid for a terrible circumcision

It was a total rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a61g9y/i_got_scammed_and_overpaid_for_a_terrible/
%
There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.
Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.
After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.
Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.
Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.
The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a612fu/there_was_once_an_island_kingdom_whose_people/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society.

All are intent on making an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first, and to the surprise of his colleagues, starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
“Well,” he explained, “by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus gentlemen. So my speech started: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen.’”
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll one-up that English bastard! He started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished, his colleagues asked what he was doing.
“Well,” he explained, “by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying, ‘Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.’”
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself, I’ll go even further than those bastards! He started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished, his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
“Well,” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin, and then masturbating, I was starting my speech by saying, ‘Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a60y4o/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are_all/
%
Which Star Wars character is obsessed with cheese?

Boba Feta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a60xsy/which_star_wars_character_is_obsessed_with_cheese/
%
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a60wzt/the_worlds_leading_expert_on_european_wasps_walks/
%
I recently bought a dog from a blacksmith

How do I know the guy was a blacksmith?
When I brought the dog home he made a bolt for the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a60w6l/i_recently_bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith/
%
An Interesting Gift

A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a60v61/an_interesting_gift/
%
A communist joke is NOT funny

...Unless everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a60sju/a_communist_joke_is_not_funny/
%
I sued the airport for misplacing my luggage...

I lost my case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a60pdk/i_sued_the_airport_for_misplacing_my_luggage/
%
I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.
Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a60m73/i_took_an_online_test_to_see_how_much_im_like/
%
What do you call a weapons shop owned by three blacksmiths who are all dating each other?

A polyarmory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a60k8r/what_do_you_call_a_weapons_shop_owned_by_three/
%
Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a60hko/why_i_fired_my_secretary/
%
Mohammad goes to his new school after moving to Dublin

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the crap out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the crap out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two damn Arabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a60c1p/mohammad_goes_to_his_new_school_after_moving_to/
%
The only thing flat-earthers fear...

is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a60b45/the_only_thing_flatearthers_fear/
%
The movie Hulk was just an advertisement.

It was nothing more than a giant Banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a608nl/the_movie_hulk_was_just_an_advertisement/
%
Just finished buying the family Christmas tree and as the clerk was tying it down he asked me, "So you plan on putting this up yourself then?"

"No you sicko- I was thinking in front of the window in the den."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a60669/just_finished_buying_the_family_christmas_tree/
%
A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!"  The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court.  I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a605lp/a_man_is_in_court_the_judges_sayson_the_3rd/
%
What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom?

An instigator
I'll see myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6047c/what_do_you_call_a_reptile_that_likes_to_start/
%
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.

They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6036j/two_drunks_had_just_gotten_thrown_out_of_the_bar/
%
“God how long is a million years to you?” The boy asked

“A million years is like a minute, my son” God answered
.
“God how much is a million dollars to you?” The boy asked
.
“A million dollars is like a penny, my son” God answered
.
“Can I have a penny, God?” The boy asked
.
“I’ll go get it in a minute, my son” God answered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a60250/god_how_long_is_a_million_years_to_you_the_boy/
%
I got myself a seniors GPS

Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a600ky/i_got_myself_a_seniors_gps/
%
A blind man walked into a well

He couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5zwh8/a_blind_man_walked_into_a_well/
%
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’ Shea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5zvu3/what_do_you_call_a_bulletproof_irishman/
%
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee...

>**Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.**
>
>**Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.**
>
>**Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.** **Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'**
>
>**Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek.  So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb'.**
>
>**The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.**
>
>**The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it - circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5zp9j/a_catholic_priest_a_baptist_preacher_and_a_rabbi/
%
What do they call Gold Bond at Hogwarts?

Quidditch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5zn8m/what_do_they_call_gold_bond_at_hogwarts/
%
With all the STD’s out here, I’m scared to even have phone sex.

Fuck around and I might get hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5zmmj/with_all_the_stds_out_here_im_scared_to_even_have/
%
I bought my wife a gift for Christmas and hid it in the perfect spot, a place she would never look.

I put it in her lingerie drawer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5zjf0/i_bought_my_wife_a_gift_for_christmas_and_hid_it/
%
A priest was friends with Stephanie, a blonde woman who regularly attends his services.

As the priest was strolling through town one day, he noticed Stephanie's father holding hands with another man. Shocked, the priest calls his friend later that day to verify what he saw.
"Hey Stephanie, I think your dad might be homosexual. Is this true?"
"No way, are you serious? I can't believe this!"
"I'm afraid so."
"Which one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5zj2s/a_priest_was_friends_with_stephanie_a_blonde/
%
Have you heard of the new dating site for narcissists?

It's called meHarmony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5zhtj/have_you_heard_of_the_new_dating_site_for/
%
Mr. President: Walls do work...

Just look at China, they have almost no Mexicans at all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5zddr/mr_president_walls_do_work/
%
Why do Breast Cancer survivors not like to talk about their treatment of the cancer?

It brings them bad mammaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5zddh/why_do_breast_cancer_survivors_not_like_to_talk/
%
A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my ass."

*The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him.*
The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?"
The doctor replies: "Yes, I'm sorry to tell you that it's just the tip of the iceberg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5yyhp/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_doctor_theres_a/
%
Today I learned how to say “no” in Australian.

ou

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5yv91/today_i_learned_how_to_say_no_in_australian/
%
Always be true to yourself! Never listen to those who tell you what you can't do! They told Beethoven he'd never make music because he was deaf...

But he didn't listen to them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5yuvc/always_be_true_to_yourself_never_listen_to_those/
%
You Should Never, Ever, Question A Drunk..

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk. A carton of eggs. A quart of orange juice. A head of lettuce. A 2 lb. can of coffee. A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ys6k/you_should_never_ever_question_a_drunk/
%
What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

Pneumonia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ypxw/what_did_the_homeless_man_get_for_christmas/
%
What do you call an Arab who's really good at eating pussy?

Lawrence of the labia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ypwy/what_do_you_call_an_arab_whos_really_good_at/
%
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

By walking.
j/k ... rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ypja/how_does_harry_potter_get_down_a_hill/
%
How do you fit 100 Jews in a car?

You build a very large car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ypav/how_do_you_fit_100_jews_in_a_car/
%
Interesting shell tattoo

I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a shell in her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you could smell the ocean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ylzk/interesting_shell_tattoo/
%
What does the "F" in communism stand for?

Food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5yemn/what_does_the_f_in_communism_stand_for/
%
Did you hear about the t-rex who sells pistols?

He's a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5yae8/did_you_hear_about_the_trex_who_sells_pistols/
%
What is a Mexican’s favorite sport?

Cross Country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5y8u9/what_is_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
%
Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo

The cardinal test.
To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes.
The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woman and one by one removed their eye coverings.
None of the bells rang until the last priest of who once he saw the naked woman, the little Bell started ringing so furiously that it flew off and fell forward.
Embarrassed, he went forward and bent over to pick up his little Bell.
All the little bells behind him started ringing furiously..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5y784/before_graduating_to_full_priests_the_candidates/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for stealing lube?

They couldn't get any of the charges to stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5y6yd/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_arrested_for/
%
They told Beethoven he’d never make music because he was deaf.

He didn’t listen to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5y5fp/they_told_beethoven_hed_never_make_music_because/
%
I was in the shop looking for a jacket...

... to buy for my girlfriend as a present.
I couldn't decide which one to get, so I asked the salesman, "If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, which one would you get?
He said, "A bulletproof one. I'm married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5y4tp/i_was_in_the_shop_looking_for_a_jacket/
%
What's the most popular top-level domain in Mordor?

.orc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5y4rc/whats_the_most_popular_toplevel_domain_in_mordor/
%
How many points does it take to draw a curve?

According to my engineering professor, just one, but you need to list your assumptions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5y297/how_many_points_does_it_take_to_draw_a_curve/
%
The Ikea saleslady wants to have sex with me for some reason

All I wanted was one nightstand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5xra0/the_ikea_saleslady_wants_to_have_sex_with_me_for/
%
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.
The genie says  “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”
The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.”
BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman.
Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!”
BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels.
While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said “you have one wish left.”
The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the buildings transformation.
The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!”
BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man.
Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered
“Too bad you had me neutered.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5xqnf/a_poor_old_lady_was_forced_to_sell_her_valuables/
%
A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it.
The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..
'You missed the Goddamn putt, didn't you?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5xo6k/a_nun_is_very_distraught/
%
Death from Viagra

If you overdose on Viagra do you die HARD?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5xkcx/death_from_viagra/
%
Bill Gates is walking on his private beach of his villa...

...and finds an old bottle in the sand. He opens it and a genie appears. The genie euphorically says: "Thanks for the rescue, Master, you have one wish."
Gates does not think long and says: "Here is a map with all the crisis areas of the earth. There should be peace everywhere." The ghost takes the map and groans, "That's too much, hundreds of wars, hate, religious fanatics, I'm just a genie, I can not do that, don't you have another wish?" Yes, please fix all major bugs in the windows programs. " Then the genie: Let me see the map again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5xhf6/bill_gates_is_walking_on_his_private_beach_of_his/
%
Men are better at everything.

Proof?
Bruce Jenner won the "Woman of the Year" award.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5xh4p/men_are_better_at_everything/
%
First time with a condom..

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5xb2h/first_time_with_a_condom/
%
I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5xar1/i_have_bought_my_wife_a_fridge_for_christmas/
%
There is currently no cure for premature ejaculation.

But I hear that it is coming quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5xahd/there_is_currently_no_cure_for_premature/
%
YouTube Rewind 2018 now has the most dislikes through YouTube history.

Just like they said,
We control rewind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5x8us/youtube_rewind_2018_now_has_the_most_dislikes/
%
All Lawyers are Bums

A man walks into a bar, clearly agitated. He orders a shot and downs it almost instantly.
He orders three more before banging both fists on the table and declaring, “All lawyers are bums!”
He does this a few times; orders more alcohol, drinks it, and yells the same thing:
“All lawyers are bums!”
Eventually, a man comes over to him, obviously enraged.
__”Hey you little prick, I’m offended by this shit.”__
The guy goes, “why, are you a lawyer?”
__”No, I’m a bum!”__

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5x6ue/all_lawyers_are_bums/
%
Woman goes to the doctors with a bit of lettuce sticking out of her underwear

The doctor says ‘that looks nasty’
She replies ‘it’s the tip of the iceberg’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5x4ap/woman_goes_to_the_doctors_with_a_bit_of_lettuce/
%
Always be true to yourself. Never listen to those who tell you what you can't do.

They told Beethoven he'd never make music because he was deaf.
But he didn't listen to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5x3v7/always_be_true_to_yourself_never_listen_to_those/
%
2 tampons are walking past each other. Which one says "hi" first?

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5x3f8/2_tampons_are_walking_past_each_other_which_one/
%
My dad got a new horse.

He named the horse Mayo.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5x28r/my_dad_got_a_new_horse/
%
Did you hear the joke about the midget who robbed a bank and then escaped down a fire escape?!

Sorry I shouldn’t say midget... it’s a little condescending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5wu5c/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_midget_who_robbed/
%
Why does noone laugh when Queen Elizabeth farts?

Coz noble gases have no reactions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5wqlb/why_does_noone_laugh_when_queen_elizabeth_farts/
%
What did Jefferey Dahmer's mom say when he passed the meat at Xmas dinner?

Jeff, you know I don't like your friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5wpkx/what_did_jefferey_dahmers_mom_say_when_he_passed/
%
What do you call a dog who builds houses?

A barkitect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5wn7x/what_do_you_call_a_dog_who_builds_houses/
%
My friend told me I was bad at chewing

I found that rather hard to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5wmqu/my_friend_told_me_i_was_bad_at_chewing/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

As he's walking up to the bartender, he notices a little man, just sitting on the bar, at a little piano playing music. He looks at the bartender with amazement, "Wow, that is incredible!"
The bartender shrugs his shoulders, "If you think that's neat, I have a genie bottle here with a real genie in it. He'll grant you one wish." The bartender pulls out the bottle and hands it to the man.
The man rubs the bottle and, sure enough, a genie appears in a cloud of smoke, "I shall grant you one wish!" The man thinks, then wishes, "I wish for a million bucks..."
Suddenly the bar is full of feathers and quacking as ducks litter the floor up to the waist. "What the hell!?"
"Oh, yeah." The bartender says, "I should have told you the genie is hard of hearing. That's how I ended up with a twelve inch pianist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5wkp6/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I’m broke, sad and a disappointment to my parents. But at least I’m not in debt

That’s the one thing I’m given credit for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5wkos/im_broke_sad_and_a_disappointment_to_my_parents/
%
My girlfriend said being with me is like being on a diet.

I was touched at first and told her that I feel like being with her is a continual journey of self-improvement and striving to get to a better place too.
I felt a little worse after she explained that she only meant it in the sense that being with me is a perpetual struggle of self-denial motivated primarily by external social factors and fear of criticism by third parties and that she also cheats on me every Friday after dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5wim2/my_girlfriend_said_being_with_me_is_like_being_on/
%
Why do Cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5wgvc/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
Why can a chicken coup only have 2 doors?

Because, if it had four doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5wguv/why_can_a_chicken_coup_only_have_2_doors/
%
The doctor diagnosed me with hypochondria today.

I'm not surprised, I've had everything else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5w2id/the_doctor_diagnosed_me_with_hypochondria_today/
%
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5w0y5/i_have_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
"Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room."

"Thanks Grandpa!"
"Why did you call me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5vy9d/son_i_found_a_pack_of_condoms_in_your_room/
%
"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5vrjk/fifty_shades_of_grey_gives_its_readers/
%
What is the most popular type of tree in California?

Ash!
And how do they water them?
Firehose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5vln5/what_is_the_most_popular_type_of_tree_in/
%
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.

So  he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk  who will do it for free.
He is initially  surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's  free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure  enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the  man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and  that he needs to replace it.
About an  hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when  the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he  can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free  he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The  man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk  offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.
The monk replied "religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ve56/a_man_needs_to_hire_someone_to_fix_his_broken/
%
What do you call a snake that’s 3.14 m long?

a pi-thon!! (Python)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5vcq6/what_do_you_call_a_snake_thats_314_m_long/
%
I wrote “Will you marry me?” on a balloon to propose to my online girlfriend.

But then I saw her face, and popped the question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5vbbn/i_wrote_will_you_marry_me_on_a_balloon_to_propose/
%
A participant in a duel showed up armed with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5vb4b/a_participant_in_a_duel_showed_up_armed_with_a/
%
I feel the classical musicians from the 17th and 18th century were not financially well-off.

Because they come from the Baroque era.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5v98u/i_feel_the_classical_musicians_from_the_17th_and/
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Teacher says to little Billy at school:

"I want you to use a sentence with the word 'fascinate' in it."
Billy: I've got 9 buttons on my coat but I can only fascinate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5v7fa/teacher_says_to_little_billy_at_school/
%
What do you call a Konami game in jail?

Contraband

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5v1l3/what_do_you_call_a_konami_game_in_jail/
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What does a Judoon (Doctor Who alien) say when he hugs his friend?

NO HO MO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5v07s/what_does_a_judoon_doctor_who_alien_say_when_he/
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What's the difference between a hand and a frying pan?

In the frying pan, the meat shrinks. In the hand, the meat grows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5upkj/whats_the_difference_between_a_hand_and_a_frying/
%
What does a priest and a McDonalds have in common

They both have their meat in ten year old buns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5um2e/what_does_a_priest_and_a_mcdonalds_have_in_common/
%
What is the most popular type of tree in California?

Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ukk5/what_is_the_most_popular_type_of_tree_in/
%
Even if you don't notice any improvement from acupuncture,

you can't say it's pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ujyh/even_if_you_dont_notice_any_improvement_from/
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Once, a grandson was talking to his grandmother

He asked her, “Grandma, why don’t you have a boyfriend?” She replied, “Why, I like to think that my T.V. is my boyfriend. The T.V. gives me everything I want. It makes me happy, it entertains me, it does everything I want, so I like to think that it’s my boyfriend.” Just as she was saying this, the T.V. started to switch to static. The grandmother got up, and started to hit the T.V, trying to get it to work. She became very frustrated, as it wasn’t working. Just then, a man knocked on the door, and the grandson ran to answer it. He said “Hello, can I speak to your grandmother?” The grandson replied, “Not right now, she’s banging her boyfriend in the living room.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ujxq/once_a_grandson_was_talking_to_his_grandmother/
%
A blind man walks into a bar.

And a chair. And a person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ue3r/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A young man brings his new girlfriend home for dinner and to meet his parents for the first time.

After dinner Dad pulls him aside.
"You have to break it off.  That girl is your sister but your momma doesn't know."
Horrified, he later tells his mom everything.
"You keep seeing her.  Your daddy ain't your daddy but your daddy doesn't know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ud30/a_young_man_brings_his_new_girlfriend_home_for/
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I heard it was difficult to do a self circumcision...

But I managed to pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ud0l/i_heard_it_was_difficult_to_do_a_self_circumcision/
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Genie: You have three wishes

Me: Make every word four letters
Gnie: Okay
meee: make evry word strt andd endd with "b"
Bnib: Bkab
Bmeb: Bakb bvrb borb bavd "o" binb bthb bidb
Boob: boob
Boob: boob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5uc57/genie_you_have_three_wishes/
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Have you noticed the hundreds of “My Suicide Story” videos on YouTube?

Well, it not a great suicide story if you can tell it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5uand/have_you_noticed_the_hundreds_of_my_suicide_story/
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I came up with this joke about wild pigs but...

It boars everyone I tell so I’m keeping to myself...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5u9xc/i_came_up_with_this_joke_about_wild_pigs_but/
%
Why did the cannibal get food poisoning in India?

He ate Rameet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5u077/why_did_the_cannibal_get_food_poisoning_in_india/
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A good percentage of my friends are either racist, sexist, or Nazis.

Zero percent. That’s a good percentage of friends like that to have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5tzpj/a_good_percentage_of_my_friends_are_either_racist/
%
I saw a monkey at the zoo who was a fruitiphile.

That dude was fucking bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5tygd/i_saw_a_monkey_at_the_zoo_who_was_a_fruitiphile/
%
Its not anal bleaching

It's changing your ring tone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5tuqo/its_not_anal_bleaching/
%
What do you call an Arab investor?

The Profit Mohammad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5tqgz/what_do_you_call_an_arab_investor/
%
What’s the difference between me and America?

America got rid of its Great Depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5tmn9/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_america/
%
I can't believe my girlfriend stole a massive dildo from a sex shop we were in without me noticing!

I didn't know she had it in her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5tm4r/i_cant_believe_my_girlfriend_stole_a_massive/
%
I may not know how to bake toilet paper

But I do know how to brown one side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5tl6m/i_may_not_know_how_to_bake_toilet_paper/
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How Many Grammar Nazis Does It Take Too Change A Light Bulb?

To

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5tkvr/how_many_grammar_nazis_does_it_take_too_change_a/
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail

**But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5te5l/i_wanted_to_marry_my_english_teacher_when_she_got/
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How does a jewish man make coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5tdum/how_does_a_jewish_man_make_coffee/
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A racist man walks into a bar...

He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him.
He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy."
As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him.
The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face.
Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man."
As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling.
visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man.
He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing.
Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?"
The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5t9wa/a_racist_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes.

Genie: What will be your first wish?
Dave: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5t8vg/dave_rubs_a_magic_lamp_and_the_genie_grants_him_3/
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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5t8jb/genie_i_will_grant_you_3_wishes/
%
3 good arguments that Jesus was black [long]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5t44r/3_good_arguments_that_jesus_was_black_long/
%
Kid: Dad, what are condoms used for?

Dad: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5syvs/kid_dad_what_are_condoms_used_for/
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What do you call a vacuum that interferes with the legal system?

Obsuction of justice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5syks/what_do_you_call_a_vacuum_that_interferes_with/
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Do you know what's on pages 5 and 6 of an Opel manual?

Bus and train schedules.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5sx1m/do_you_know_whats_on_pages_5_and_6_of_an_opel/
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A young guy comes to the city for a job ....

He finds a vacancy at a department store, and gets invited for an interview.
The manager asks if he has any previous sales experience to which he replies that he was a vacuum salesman back in his home town. Although unsure,  the manager see's potential in the kid and hires him. "You start tomorrow and I'll evaluate your performance once the day ends"
After a rough first day, It was time for his evaluation. The Manager comes down to the sales floor and asks how many customers bought something from him.
"Just one" replies the Sales person.
"What!, Just one ? Our sales person average 30 to 40 sales a day, and just one sale wont cut it. You would have to change. and fast. As its your first day i'm going to cut you some slack, So tell me what was your only sale worth ?"
The kid looks up and says "$100,000"
The manager, with his eyes bulging out, asks "$100,000!? What in the world did you sell"
"Well, First I sold him some new fish hooks, Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new fish hooks. Then I asked him where he was going to which he said that he would go down to the coast, So I told him to that he would be needing a boat. We went down to the Boat Department and got him a new boat, Then I told him his old and rusty truck wouldn't be able to pull it, so we went down to the Automotive section and got him a new 4x4.
"So a guy came in here to buy some fish hooks, and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
The kid replied, "Not really, He came in to buy some tampons for his wife, but I said 'Buddy, Your weekend's gone, you should go fishing'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5swa3/a_young_guy_comes_to_the_city_for_a_job/
%
So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!
Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, playing classical music to it, being very friendly and kind, all in an effort to modify this bird´s language and attitude. It didn´t work. This awful parrot just screamed abuse at him, all day and all night. Finally, after a horrendous day listening to this torrent of filth pouring out of the parrot, I´m afraid John just snapped. He screamed back at the parrot, and of course the parrot screamed louder. He hit the parrot, and of course the parrot bit him. He threw a discarded shoe at the parrot, and naturally the parrot took to the air and shat on him.
In a blind rage, John grabbed the parrot by the neck and flung him into the freezer and slammed the door shut. In the glorious peace that followed, John leaned against the kitchen door, panting with the exhaustion and fury of it all, and I have to say it took him several minutes to calm down, and collect his thoughts. That´s when he realised that maybe he´d gone too far, and that he might have actually hurt this parrot - so he cautiously opened the freezer door, and to his surprise the parrot meekly walked out, and sat calmly on John´s outstretched hand.
To John´s amazement, the parrot then said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." As you might imagine, John was absolutely stunned at this, but before he could even question it, the parrot said "May I ask you sir,  what the turkey did?"
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5stoj/so_john_received_a_parrot_as_a_gift/
%
College is like a wife...

It sucks for a couple of years but when it is no longer the part of your life you wonder where did your money go...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ssz8/college_is_like_a_wife/
%
A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ssie/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_saloon_and_takes_a_seat/
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Knock knock

Who's there
Brittany Spears
Brittany Spears who
Knock knock
Who's there
Whoops I did it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ssha/knock_knock/
%
things that i hate

1th- people who spell numbers wrong
2th- lists
3th- people that use braces

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5sqiu/things_that_i_hate/
%
2 pilots meet

300 people died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5sqie/2_pilots_meet/
%
why do people go to Starbucks to write books?

because white noise helps them concentrate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5sqh0/why_do_people_go_to_starbucks_to_write_books/
%
Most people write congrats

because they don't know the spelling of congrajulashions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5sh9y/most_people_write_congrats/
%
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction

Time to get joggin’ ladies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5sf9b/studies_say_obesity_is_the_main_cause_of_erectile/
%
My daughter asked me, "Daddy, why is your nose in the middle of your face?"

I smirked and replied, "Because it's the scenter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5sbfd/my_daughter_asked_me_daddy_why_is_your_nose_in/
%
My dog had an habit of chasing people on a bike.

It got that bad that I had to take the bike off him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5sb36/my_dog_had_an_habit_of_chasing_people_on_a_bike/
%
What do you call a regular potato discussing the news?

A common tater.
I'm going back to bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5s81e/what_do_you_call_a_regular_potato_discussing_the/
%
"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5s6ke/mom_im_dating_a_man/
%
A young man walked into a bank

And he said to the teller "I want to open a fuckin' checkin' account."
The young lady gasped. "I beg your pardon, but we don't tolerate that language in this bank."
"Get your fuckin' supervisor!" the man said.
In a few moments, the supervisor came up. "What's the problem?"
"I just won ten million in the lottery, and I want to open a fuckin' checkin' account!
"The manager said, "I see. And this bitch is giving you a hard time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5s1mj/a_young_man_walked_into_a_bank/
%
If at first, you don't succeed

then skydiving isn't for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5rzb0/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
The family is at the dining table.

The little 10-year-old girl does not eat and has her nose in her plate….
After a few moments, she says, “I’ve something to tell you people”
Silence around the table.
“I’m no longer virgin”, and she begins to cry.
A long silence again.
And then…
The father screams at his wife, “It’s your fault!  Always dressed and made up like a whore! Do you think you are setting a good example for your daughter? Wallowing the whole day on the sofa, exposing your cleavage… it’s disgusting! That’s how problems arrive”
The wife, in turn yells at her husband:
“What about you ? Are YOU setting a good example ? Wasting your salary on sluts who sometimes even accompany you to your doorstep! Are YOU setting a good example for your 10-year-old daughter?”
The father continues” “And her older sister, the good-for-nothing, With her hairy junkie of a boyfriend, Who is always groping her in all the corners of the house, Do you believe she is setting a good example for her younger sister?”
And the recriminations go on, and on, and on….
The grandmother touches the shoulder of the little granddaughter to console her And asks her, “Well, my little girl, how did it happen?”
And the little girl replies while stifling her sobs. “it’s the priest”
The grandmother asks, “What do you mean, the priest ?”
“The priest has chosen another girl to be Virgin Mary in the Christmas play.  I’m no longer playing the role of Virgin Mary”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ry35/the_family_is_at_the_dining_table/
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A dyslexic minority

giNgers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5rxuy/a_dyslexic_minority/
%
Someone made a movie about r/Jokes

It's called, "Attack of the Clones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ru03/someone_made_a_movie_about_rjokes/
%
My Girlfriend broke up with me because according to her I keep quoting Sherlock all the time..

I think she shouldn't talk out loud. She lowers the IQ of the whole street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5rpfq/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_according/
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If you ever feel like you’ve failed, a lot of people dislike you, and your out of touch with the people who rely on you, just remember one thing:

YouTube Rewind 2018

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5rp89/if_you_ever_feel_like_youve_failed_a_lot_of/
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The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.
Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.
About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ro8l/the_symphony_orchestra_was_performing_beethovens/
%
An American ship is next to German land

Captain: "May day! May day! We are sinking!!"
German receiver: "What are you sinking about?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5rlpl/an_american_ship_is_next_to_german_land/
%
Man trys nude sunbathing and burns his dick

He calls his friend who recommends to dunk it in a glass of milk to ease the pain.
He goes into the kitchen totally naked, fills a glass full of cold milk and cautiously puts the tip in.
Just at that moment his blonde wife bursts through the door.
She takes one look at him and says. "Huh, so that's how you reload those things."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5rlp2/man_trys_nude_sunbathing_and_burns_his_dick/
%
What is the difference between an erection and an election?

An erection is what a man needs to achieve first to fuck his partner.
An election is what a politician needs to achieve first to fuck his people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5rj0v/what_is_the_difference_between_an_erection_and_an/
%
Mexican names tend to have multiple syllables

Except Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5riec/mexican_names_tend_to_have_multiple_syllables/
%
Someone asked me to make a joke about wood.

It wasn't veneerly as hard as I had expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5rhrb/someone_asked_me_to_make_a_joke_about_wood/
%
Immanuel Kant

But at least, Immanuel tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5rhcl/immanuel_kant/
%
A lady is speeding over a bridge.

On the other side there's a cop with a radar gun. He pulls her over.
Officer: Any reason why you're going so fast?
Lady: Sorry, I'm late for work.
Officer: What kind of work do you do?
Lady: I'm a rectum stretcher.
Officer: A RECTUM STRETCHER! What the hell does a rectum stretcher do?
Lady: Well you start with one finger in the rectum. Then two and work your way up till you fit a whole hand in there. Work that around until you get two hands in there. Once you get two hands in you stretch the rectum to about 6 feet.
In disgust the officer ask her. What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole.
Lady: Well you stick a radar gun in his hand and put him on the other side of a bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5rdr0/a_lady_is_speeding_over_a_bridge/
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I like my women like i like my butter

Easy to spread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5r9gy/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_butter/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter he isn’t coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5r7rc/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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A 1st grade teacher brings his class out for a science field trip to the local park

At the park, one of the kids screams "oh look! There's a big doggy poo poo here!"
The teacher requests that the class gather around and explains
"Look kids, I just taught you about our five senses haven't I?
Don't just rely on one of your senses to observe the world. We have five senses so let's use all five of them to verify our information"
The teacher steps closer to the pile of shit and explains
"Using my eyes I can see that this looks like some dog poo poo, or to be scientific, faeces"
The teacher bends down.
"Using my ears, I can't hear anything, so not to worry, I still have three other senses to verify my information"
The teacher leans forward while bending down.
"Using my nose, I can smell a really stinky smell. But let's not jump to conclusions yet."
The teacher reaches out and touches the shit.
"Using my skin, I can feel that this thing is soft and warm to touch. But we still have not used all five of our senses"
As he says this, he licks his finger that touched the shit.
The class stares in silent amazement, waiting for their teacher's reaction this time.
With his finger still in his mouth, the teacher remains motionless for a while and then says
"Well fuck this really is shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5r1qv/a_1st_grade_teacher_brings_his_class_out_for_a/
%
Doctor: So do you want the good news, or the bad news?

Patient: Um, the good news I guess.
Doctor: Well we’re naming a disease after you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5qzg9/doctor_so_do_you_want_the_good_news_or_the_bad/
%
Wife : Come over

Me : Okay, I'm coming over
Wife : we should stop using walkie talkies in the bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5qx74/wife_come_over/
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If a girl tells you she will be ready in 5 minutes...

You don't have to remind her every 15 mins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5qv8k/if_a_girl_tells_you_she_will_be_ready_in_5_minutes/
%
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I wouldn’t pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5qtzs/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
%
the earliest computer dates back to adam and eve

it was an apple,just one byte and everything crashed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5qr36/the_earliest_computer_dates_back_to_adam_and_eve/
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If a chain of islands belonged to Germany, what would it be called?

Not Funny Atoll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5qoe2/if_a_chain_of_islands_belonged_to_germany_what/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked i an interview

Journo. "You have been so successful as an actor...."
Arnold ,"yes i was the Terminator"
Journo. "and as a governor!"
Arnold ,"yes i was the Governator!!"
Journo. "well, the Europeans need a leader like you, how about it?
Arnold ,""No , then I will be known as the Euronator"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5qne4/arnold_schwarzenegger_was_asked_i_an_interview/
%
A man gets caught letting his son drink some of his beer...

A witness sees this and yells "Hey! You can't give that child beer!"
The man replies, "Well, I ran out of whiskey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5qigb/a_man_gets_caught_letting_his_son_drink_some_of/
%
Did you hear about the heavy metal band that also makes Christmas music?

They're called sleigh-er

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5qhxo/did_you_hear_about_the_heavy_metal_band_that_also/
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The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…

...but backwards, it’s even more stupid…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5qe13/the_word_diputseromneve_may_look_ridiculous/
%
They say love is always around the corner

I guess that’s why they call it the Circle of Life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5qd1z/they_say_love_is_always_around_the_corner/
%
I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks, they still hadn’t been delivered, so I called them up to see what was going on...

They told me they were still dealing with my order…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5qapn/i_ordered_a_secondhand_deck_of_cards_from_a/
%
Women only call me ugly untill they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5q4xm/women_only_call_me_ugly_untill_they_find_out_how/
%
Why don't furries shake hands?

It's a faux paw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5q3jb/why_dont_furries_shake_hands/
%
Condoms

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5pyur/condoms/
%
Why does the pirate laugh when reading a newspaper?

It has the funniest arr-tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5pttq/why_does_the_pirate_laugh_when_reading_a_newspaper/
%
“Son, get up! You have to go to school!.”

“I don’t want to go Dad. The kids make fun of me, bully me around and laugh at my face everyday. “
“I understand son, but you are 43 and you’re the Principal. Get up !”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5plpt/son_get_up_you_have_to_go_to_school/
%
So American man goes to China...

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."
The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?"
The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror,  "Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion... !!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
"Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5pkqw/so_american_man_goes_to_china/
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Helping a friend in need...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5pk2x/helping_a_friend_in_need/
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Vladimir Putin is taking Donald Trump on a private tour of the Moscow Zoo.

While they're passing through the petting zoo section, they see a little lamb who has gotten its head stuck in a fence and is trapped.
Putin, eager to reassert his masculinity after seeing the dancing bears, drops his trousers and proceeds to penetrate the lamb forcefully with his penis, to the shock of Trump, who can only watch, stunned into silence.
After he finishes, he tucks his penis back into his trousers, while casually gesturing to Trump: "You can have a go too if you want, my country my rules."
Trump quickly hurries over beside the lamb, and sticks his own head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5penk/vladimir_putin_is_taking_donald_trump_on_a/
%
What do you call a black man with white hands?

A baker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5pbvz/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_with_white_hands/
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It took me 2 weeks to realize my calendar was printed upside-down.

What followed was an interesting turn of events.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5paa7/it_took_me_2_weeks_to_realize_my_calendar_was/
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I heard that people who live in Florida are some of the most untrusting people in the country...

Maybe that's why they hide their keys in the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5p96b/i_heard_that_people_who_live_in_florida_are_some/
%
Why did the boss give the hovercraft a promotion?

Because he works tirelessly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5p7ol/why_did_the_boss_give_the_hovercraft_a_promotion/
%
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?

I just can't see them taking off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5p4yp/will_invisible_airplanes_ever_be_a_thing/
%
How do Russian sheep talk?

They CYKA BLEAT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5p41d/how_do_russian_sheep_talk/
%
I saw a book for sale titled "How to solve 50% of your problems" in the library

I went there and bought two copies of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ow5w/i_saw_a_book_for_sale_titled_how_to_solve_50_of/
%
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ovvi/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
How do you circumcise a hillbilly

You kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ovge/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
%
If anyone is Christmas shopping for me...

I take a size large in student loans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5otnq/if_anyone_is_christmas_shopping_for_me/
%
There was a little old lady at my bank.

She asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5osoi/there_was_a_little_old_lady_at_my_bank/
%
I almost got married once...

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, If it hadn't been for cotton-eye joe, I'd been married a long time ago, Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton-eye joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5oom3/i_almost_got_married_once/
%
Will glass coffins be popular some day?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5oo2j/will_glass_coffins_be_popular_some_day/
%
Difference between a unicylcist with nice clothes and a bicyclist with terrible clothes?

A tire.
;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5oma8/difference_between_a_unicylcist_with_nice_clothes/
%
A Crackhead an Alchoholic and a chain smoker all die in a car accident.

When they reach the pearly gate St. Peter just looks at them and says "not good gentlemen not good. I cant just let a Crackhead, Alchoholic and chain smoker into heaven." The three men start to complain and demand to be let in. So St Peter decides to test them. He give the crackhead some crack, he gives the Alchoholic some whiskey and the smoker a pack of cigarettes and gives then instructions to fight their urges for 3 days and then they will be let into heaven. The Crackhead breaks on the first day and is sent to hell. The Alchoholic on the second day breaks and is sent to hell. After the third day the smoker is still there to St Peter's surprise. "How did you do it?" He asks the smoker responds " Well I can't eat cigarettes you never gave me a lighter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ojba/a_crackhead_an_alchoholic_and_a_chain_smoker_all/
%
What kind of programming do trans robots have?

Non-Binary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ocxx/what_kind_of_programming_do_trans_robots_have/
%
Talk about ungrateful....

The other day I gave my wife an orgasm....
And she just spat it straight out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5oa21/talk_about_ungrateful/
%
A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says “Five beers, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5o9d3/a_roman_legionnaire_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My friend phoned me.

He said, "My wife has lost her new puppy. It's a fat hairy thing with bulbous eyes."
I said, "Great description, but what about the dog?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5o0re/my_friend_phoned_me/
%
My buddy told me nothing rhymes with orange.

I told him no it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5nwxc/my_buddy_told_me_nothing_rhymes_with_orange/
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There are some things you can’t say with a straight face.

...Like “I am having a stroke”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ntgf/there_are_some_things_you_cant_say_with_a/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5nqy8/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
A flock of crows flew beak-first into window at horrifying speeds.

Experts suggest it was a murder suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5npdf/a_flock_of_crows_flew_beakfirst_into_window_at/
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Wrapping gifts while kids are in the house is a lot like trying to have sex while kids are in the house.

· You have to wrap it up quick
· You'll probably have to throw a blanket over a package
· Someone might have to finish alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5nltq/wrapping_gifts_while_kids_are_in_the_house_is_a/
%
Any person who illegally exports sheep is called an Owler.

Unless they're from Wales.  Then they're just called a sex trafficker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5nhw4/any_person_who_illegally_exports_sheep_is_called/
%
I tried the gym

Didn't work out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5nhin/i_tried_the_gym/
%
Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea

You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5n03w/going_into_my_sons_room_is_the_same_as_going_to/
%
What do you call a communist sniper

A marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5myka/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
My girlfriend said she didn't think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating

But I managed to pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5mva2/my_girlfriend_said_she_didnt_think_it_was/
%
Viagra won't turn you into James Bond...

But it will help you Rodger Moore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5mugp/viagra_wont_turn_you_into_james_bond/
%
Cold Ones -NSFW

A nun walks out after school to catch two alter boys with their dicks in the snow.
The nun asks, “what are you boys doing?!”
They reply, “The Priest said he wanted a few cold ones after work.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5mtgi/cold_ones_nsfw/
%
At first, I wasn't too happy the way my barber cut my hair, but honestly..

It's starting to grow on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ms4v/at_first_i_wasnt_too_happy_the_way_my_barber_cut/
%
I was sorry to hear I’d failed the analogy course...

It hit me like a length of ham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5mm6a/i_was_sorry_to_hear_id_failed_the_analogy_course/
%
Three men die close to Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets them.

St. Peter looks at the three of them, and tells them that if they want to get into heaven, they have to present him with something related to Christmas.
The first man goes up, and confidently produces some holly from his pocket. St. Peter looks at it, and lets him in.
The second guy is a bit worried. He doesn’t think he has anything related to Christmas on him, but he looks down and notices some mistletoe stuck to his pant leg. He presents that to St. Peter and gets let in.
The third guy is panicking. He pats himself down, searching every pocket for anything he can use to get into heaven. Eventually, he pulls out a pair of panties from his pocket and shows them to St. Peter.
Befuddled, St. Peter asks: “Panties? What have they got to do with Christmas?”
The third man replies: “They’re Carol’s.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5mlwz/three_men_die_close_to_christmas_at_the_pearly/
%
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a Superhero and the other is a simple instruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5mj7i/what_is_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
What is the difference between a bomb and a feminist?

A bomb actually accomplishes something when it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5mi1u/what_is_the_difference_between_a_bomb_and_a/
%
There were two muffins in an oven...

One muffin said to the other muffin, "Dude, it's hot in here."
The other said, "HOLY SHIT!  YOU'RE A TALKING MUFFIN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5mfsx/there_were_two_muffins_in_an_oven/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the raccoon that it can be done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5mfa8/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them

. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage.
They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each.
Jim said, "*Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out.*" They did exactly that, and sure enough, the bartender threw them out of the Pub.
They then went from pub to pub, had free drinks, and each & every time, they were thrown out. By the time they got to the 10th pub, John said, "*I can't do this anymore, I am drunk & my knees are killing me.*"
Jim replied, "*How do you think I feel.. I can't even remember at which pub I lost the Sausage!!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5me1l/jim_and_john_wanted_a_drink_real_bad_but_they/
%
I've got an allergy to butts.

It's a glute allergy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5mdwz/ive_got_an_allergy_to_butts/
%
Playing at my first juniour football game was alot like the first time I had sex.

I was bloody and sore at the end but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5mc4h/playing_at_my_first_juniour_football_game_was/
%
One morning with a purse full of money

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.  The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked,
'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'
'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and a gain until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.  Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5m6zy/one_morning_with_a_purse_full_of_money/
%
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5m5ap/three_friends_are_in_a_hotel_room_in_soviet_russia/
%
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover.

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5m44o/a_woman_places_an_ad_looking_for_a_man_to_be_her/
%
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,

we were having a drink and I said to him
"Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?
He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5lvvy/i_work_with_a_chinese_guy_called_kim_and_one_time/
%
What does a baby computer call its father ?

Data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ltns/what_does_a_baby_computer_call_its_father/
%
True story: My girlfriend asked if I was okay carrying my car's new tire.

"I'm fine," I replied. "It's not like I'm two tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5lryb/true_story_my_girlfriend_asked_if_i_was_okay/
%
I met my Chinese neighbour, Mr. Long, for the first time the other day. I said to him "I've been here months and still don't know your name"...

"Hau Long" he replied.
"Five months, I just said."
"No, Hau Long is my name."
"I don't know, you haven't told me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5lnps/i_met_my_chinese_neighbour_mr_long_for_the_first/
%
My town just had its annual incest competition...

I entered my sister!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5lnov/my_town_just_had_its_annual_incest_competition/
%
I'm a very responsible person

When something bad happens, everyone says I'm responsible for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ljor/im_a_very_responsible_person/
%
Hitler is basically Thanos...

...he turned half of Germany to dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5lchm/hitler_is_basically_thanos/
%
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person...

Today, I lost my job as a bus driver...
This world is too cruel for the kind hearted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5l81h/yesterday_i_gave_up_my_seat_on_the_bus_for_a/
%
Theresa May or Theresa May not be a Prime Minister in a couple of hours

I'll leave now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5l2co/theresa_may_or_theresa_may_not_be_a_prime/
%
What does Santa Claus have in common with a teenaged boy?

They both empty their sacks into socks while the family is asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5l1pf/what_does_santa_claus_have_in_common_with_a/
%
What did the redditer say when someone showed him a joke?

I already Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ks6t/what_did_the_redditer_say_when_someone_showed_him/
%
Kid: why’s the food so cold and bland?

Dad: because your mom put her heart and soul into it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5kryl/kid_whys_the_food_so_cold_and_bland/
%
A newlywed gay couple, John and Darryl, buys an old home

They're poking around and they find an old box of junk in the attic. In the box, they find an old Arabian oil lamp. As a joke, John rubs it, and to their surprise a genie actually emerges!
"I am the great Bumbo! You probably know the drill; I grant you three wishes, to be used as you see fit."
Without thinking, John blurts out "I wish we were millionaires!" The genie nods and beside them appears a tremendous golden treasure chest, overflowing with precious gems and ancient treasures.
Darryl thinks for a moment, then says "I wish we lived in our dream cabin in the countryside!" The three of them and all their belongings are instantly transported to a gorgeous lakeside cabin. Having enormous wealth and the home they've always wanted, they aren't sure what else they could wish for. Bumbo the genie tells them, "You don't need to make your final wish now. Simply call me name when you're ready, and I shall appear to grant you one last desire."
A week passes and they're having a movie night, when John takes a bathroom break. As he's returning, their door is kicked down by a mob of men in white hoods who drag them from their home. They take them to a tree and begin stringing them up when Darryl screams "Bumbo, Bumbo! Why won't he appear?! He could save us!" John hangs his head in shame and says "I... just used our last wish." Darryl screams, "What?! What did you wish for?" He replies, "I wished we were both hung like black dudes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5krgm/a_newlywed_gay_couple_john_and_darryl_buys_an_old/
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My marriage is like a fairytale

A witch is waiting for me at home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5kopm/my_marriage_is_like_a_fairytale/
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay they'd be bagels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5kok4/why_do_seagulls_live_by_the_sea/
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How do Mexicans cut pizza?

Little Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5kn5r/how_do_mexicans_cut_pizza/
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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5kgnf/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
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What do you call a one legged Asian lady?

Irene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5k831/what_do_you_call_a_one_legged_asian_lady/
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A male college student wanted to have sex for the first time with his girlfriend before graduation, the problem is he was living with his 8 year old little brother and they shared a bunk bed, where he slept on the top bunk

So he snuck into the top bunk with his girlfriend at midnight and, in order to be sneaky, he told her, “If you want me to go harder, say tomato, if you want a different position, say lettuce,” So the began making love and it went something like this, “Tomato, Tomato, Tomato, Lettuce, Tomato, Tomato, Lettuce,”
At some point the little brother woke up and he tells them, “Stop making sandwiches up there! You’re getting the mayonnaise all over me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5k7w4/a_male_college_student_wanted_to_have_sex_for_the/
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My local Trump-supporting grocery store has stopped selling all pre-shredded cheeses

... they want to make America grate again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5k6b2/my_local_trumpsupporting_grocery_store_has/
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What happens when a politician takes Viagra?

They get taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5k5wx/what_happens_when_a_politician_takes_viagra/
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Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5jtq6/why_are_monks_so_good_at_protesting/
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I went to a meet up for people who cosplay as ghosts the other day.

Not sure why they were burning crosses though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5jtnp/i_went_to_a_meet_up_for_people_who_cosplay_as/
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A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry . Paddy consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Marks and Spencer’s and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Marks and Spencer’s had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Paddy unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Paddy sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Patrick
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5jlpp/a_young_irish_man_called_paddy_wanted_to_buy_a/
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Yesterday I found $50 on the street and as a good christian I thought, What would Jesus do...

So I died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5jj0l/yesterday_i_found_50_on_the_street_and_as_a_good/
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Have you heard about the man who got cooled down to absolute zero?

He's O K now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5jiij/have_you_heard_about_the_man_who_got_cooled_down/
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Why do fewer people get asked out on dates after April?

Because no ones got confidence in May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ji94/why_do_fewer_people_get_asked_out_on_dates_after/
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What does F in Reddit stand for?

Friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5jfjt/what_does_f_in_reddit_stand_for/
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Two tribes go to war

There were 2 tribes in a war with each other. One tribe wins and takes 3 prisoners from the other tribe.the leader says
"i will let you go if you collect 10 of one fruit from the forest." So they went. The first guy comes back with oranges.
The leader says "you must shove all 10 of them up your arse without making a sound." He got to 1 and cried. So they killed him.
The second guy comes back with grapes.easy right? He gets to 9 and starts laughing. The leader says "we are gonna kill you now,but why are you laughing?"
The prisoner replies, "because i saw the third guy coming back with watermelons"
credit to u/GrenadeSlingingArab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5jdj5/two_tribes_go_to_war/
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What do you call a white wizard giving Santa a ride?

Mithreindeer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5jd8y/what_do_you_call_a_white_wizard_giving_santa_a/
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What do you call a deaf traitor?

A mutineer (mute-in-ear)!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5jcev/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_traitor/
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I don't usually tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs hysterically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5jcan/i_dont_usually_tell_dad_jokes/
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Ever wonder why angels are put on top of Christmas trees?

‘‘Twas the night before Christmas, to Santa’s dismay
Because the North Pole was in a bad way
The elves were on strike and not making toys
And the reindeer were out getting drunk with the boys
Santa sat in his sleigh and pondered his plight
When what came his way was an angel in flight
The angel fluttered down upon Santa’s knee
And said, “Hey fatso where ya want this tee?”
Santa just smiled and said with great class
“ Ho you dumb little angel, you picked the wrong time to ask”
So now all the families celebrate with glee
As an angel sits atop their tree!
Courtesy of my pops. Merry Christmas ya filthy animals!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5j60b/ever_wonder_why_angels_are_put_on_top_of/
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My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5j5uz/my_favorite_form_of_birth_control_is_a_condom/
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Superbowl

Every seat in the football stadium was sold except one. It was the day of the Superbowl.
A television reporter noticed the empty seat and thought  there might be a story.
"Why is this seat empty"", he asked a man sitting beside it.
"That's my wife's seat", came the reply.
"Then why isn't she here?"
"She died last week", replied the man.
"I'm so sorry to hear that", said the reporter, "but surely you could have found a friend to come with you today."
"No", replied the man, "they're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5j444/superbowl/
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Paddy and the new girlfriend

Paddy rings his new  girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of  flowers.
Excitedly she opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags Paddy in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5j2tt/paddy_and_the_new_girlfriend/
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What does an anal-lover do before leaving town?

They get their shit packed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5iyy9/what_does_an_anallover_do_before_leaving_town/
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What does a Porsche and my sex life have in common?

I don't have either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5iyov/what_does_a_porsche_and_my_sex_life_have_in_common/
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What do you call a popular Christmas decoration made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5iw7m/what_do_you_call_a_popular_christmas_decoration/
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What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

"Make me one with everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5iugj/what_did_the_buddhist_say_to_the_hotdog_vendor/
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In America, prison reform is a political issue.

In Russia, political reform is a prison issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5it6q/in_america_prison_reform_is_a_political_issue/
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A man walks into a zoo...

The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5imh7/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo/
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I once saw a huge explosion in the distance, and I remember thinking "Why is there no shockwave? That's weird"

And then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ikte/i_once_saw_a_huge_explosion_in_the_distance_and_i/
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I like my coffee like I like my women.

Unintentionally neglected while I deal with some admin and eventually going cold on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ifz1/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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Never Apologise! Never Explain!

Sorry, that’s my motto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5if4u/never_apologise_never_explain/
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When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.

Bush wasn’t that bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ieeu/when_i_see_donald_trump_i_get_the_same_thought_in/
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Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.

Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ibms/been_dating_the_same_girl_for_5yrs/
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Before/After sex

Before sex everyone helps each other get their clothes off.
After sex everyone wears their clothes on their own.
The moral of the story is nobody helps you, unless they want to fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5i9gc/beforeafter_sex/
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The only Russian swear word I know

Bourgeoisie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5i7cv/the_only_russian_swear_word_i_know/
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What does a bully say to SpaceX?

Gimme your launch money!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5i6zn/what_does_a_bully_say_to_spacex/
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I just got banned from /r/fashion

Apparently they didn't like my threads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5i48m/i_just_got_banned_from_rfashion/
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There was a man named Reap that organized lavish parties.

Tremendous, ridiculously luxurious parties, with hundreds, if not thousands of guests and in return, he would receive exquisite gifts.
As his mother’s birthday was approaching, and Reap knew she was a huge fan of vintage cars, instead of the normal compensation, he requested, that for his next party that he was in charge of, his clients would give him a vintage car.
However, sadly, his clients were unable to provide him with a car, and he had to settle for front seat tickets at an Eminem concert.
So, he organized another party for an even RICHER client. Yet still, same disappointing result: no car, but an all-expenses-paid vacation to Tokyo.
This went on for some time. He would run a huge party for a client, requested a vintage car as a payment, but didn’t get one.
Time was running out. His mother’s birthday was closing in.
It got to the point where he had a monopoly on the high-end parties for the powerful 1%; he was traveling around 24/7, in charge of numerous parties a day! He made sure to emphasize the fact that he was demanding a vintage car, yet he would never get it.
Finally, the day before his mother’s birthday, he was furiously speaking with clients all over, and organized a plethora of parties  to see if he could somehow, someway get a vintage car for his mother in time.
As you would expect, despite all his dedication, he didn’t get said vintage car. ;(
So, with no idea what else to get his mother, he brought out a pen, and wrote a heartbreaking letter to her to apologize.
In the most formal format he could muster, he wrote his deeply unsettling letter.
“I, Reap, hosted so many times today, and didn’t even get a single car, ma!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5i3a1/there_was_a_man_named_reap_that_organized_lavish/
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Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5i0tv/every_morning_at_breakfast_for_the_past_6_months/
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I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said,  “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
thank you for the gold kind stranger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hypz/i_went_to_the_doctors_recently_he_said_dont_eat/
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I asked my personal trainer which machine I should use at the gym to impress the ladies..

She looked me up and down and then said, "The ATM."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hy75/i_asked_my_personal_trainer_which_machine_i/
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My ex- broke up with me because I called her and my son "baby."

I don't understand women.  I explained to her a hundred times that a one-year old is a baby; and I don't regard her to have the intelligence of a functional adult or child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hxyr/my_ex_broke_up_with_me_because_i_called_her_and/
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Two cheese trucks ran into each other...

De Brie was everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hx7z/two_cheese_trucks_ran_into_each_other/
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Have you heard the gossip about butter?

Actually nah, i should'nt spread it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hu1z/have_you_heard_the_gossip_about_butter/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5htv9/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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Why can't you gamble in Africa?

Because of the Cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hn6d/why_cant_you_gamble_in_africa/
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A shop that sells fake grass for gardens was robbed...

Afterwards the owner was asked why he was so defensive during the robbery of the fake grass, to which he replied:
“Well, it’s my home turf.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hm9d/a_shop_that_sells_fake_grass_for_gardens_was/
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I told my wife I was going down where the sun doesn’t shine and that I wasn’t coming back up until it had a good old spit shine.

Our cellar is long overdue a cleaning, you see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hl36/i_told_my_wife_i_was_going_down_where_the_sun/
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Reddit is getting to me..

.... My girlfriend just had twins and I named the latest born ' repost '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hkae/reddit_is_getting_to_me/
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After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5his0/after_god_created_24_hours_of_alternating/
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Cheating Wife...

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hiki/cheating_wife/
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Trump should not have said "shit-hole countries".

The correct term is "turd-world countries".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hhjg/trump_should_not_have_said_shithole_countries/
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Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?

So when they dock, they can scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hfud/why_do_norwegians_put_barcodes_on_their_ships/
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I've decided to start an educational campaign to tell people about the health benefits of eating dried grapes...

It’s all about raisin awareness...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hfrn/ive_decided_to_start_an_educational_campaign_to/
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How rich are garbagemen?

Filthy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hdm1/how_rich_are_garbagemen/
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Two hunters are out in the woods ...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hb6b/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods/
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You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right? Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you ever heard of Cole’s law?

It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5hamm/youve_heard_of_murphys_law_right_anything_that/
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I needed $2.50 to take the bus home. "I only have $2.15 on me," I told the driver, "but to make up the difference, I'll greet wood planks. How's that sound?"

"Fare enough," he replied. "Welcome a board."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5halh/i_needed_250_to_take_the_bus_home_i_only_have_215/
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Santa Claus and Mrs Claus were sitting inside on their table

They then suddenly heard something on their roof. Mrs Claus asks "Is that just snow falling on the roof" Santa replies telling Mrs Claus "No it's rain, dear"
(Not sure if this joke has been posted already, just heard it today from a 60yr old)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5h94q/santa_claus_and_mrs_claus_were_sitting_inside_on/
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A crow asks a lady to donate to it's charity

'Whats your charity called?' , asks the lady.
' CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! ' , said the crow,
' It's four good caws'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5h8w5/a_crow_asks_a_lady_to_donate_to_its_charity/
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I've saved loads of money this Christmas.

I walked out on the wife and kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5h61h/ive_saved_loads_of_money_this_christmas/
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There was an English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man

They all went to a magical slide in which you would land in whatever you shouted while riding. The English man shouted
"Gold!" he landed in gold , took it and went home happily.
The Scottish man shouted
"Silver!" he landed in silver, took it and went home happily.
The Irish man enjoyed the slide so much that while he was riding, he happily shouted
"Weeeeeeee!"
The Irish man did not have a good day...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5h3t1/there_was_an_english_man_a_scottish_man_and_an/
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I finished my English lessons yesterday.

My mom asked me how it had gone on a scale from one to ten.
It was Past Perfect Tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5h0dd/i_finished_my_english_lessons_yesterday/
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It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.
(Edit: an article or the two)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5gxyd/its_amazing_how_seasons_work_im_in_japan_its_mid/
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100 years ago, everyone had horses and only the rich had cars. Today, everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.

How the stables have turned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5gqcb/100_years_ago_everyone_had_horses_and_only_the/
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What was the best part of dating in Soviet Russia?

The red flags never came as a surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5gpbw/what_was_the_best_part_of_dating_in_soviet_russia/
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I remember the first time I got my daughter a drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5gjud/i_remember_the_first_time_i_got_my_daughter_a/
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I woke up this morning to find my books scattered all over the floor.

I’ve only my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ggkg/i_woke_up_this_morning_to_find_my_books_scattered/
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My friend keeps asking me why I have such a fear of 'No Entry' signs

I say "Don't go there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5gev8/my_friend_keeps_asking_me_why_i_have_such_a_fear/
%
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I wanna split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5genv/my_girlfriend_said_you_act_like_a_detective_too/
%
I don't see why people say cancer is hard to beat

I'm already on stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5gc3u/i_dont_see_why_people_say_cancer_is_hard_to_beat/
%
A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

"What did you do today?" The father asks his son.
The son replies "I just did some homework".
The robot slaps the son.
"Okay okay!" Says the son. "I was over at my friend's house watching a movie."
"What movie did you watch?" the father asks.
"Finding Nemo!"
The robot slaps the son.
"Fine we were watching porn!" admits the son.
"Porn!" Says the father. "When I was your age we didn't know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs. "Wow, he certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5g6yb/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_that_slaps_people/
%
A girl goes up to her mother

“Mum why am I called Rose?” she asks
“Because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head”
Her sister asks the same question the next day.
“Mum why am I called Lily?”
“Because when you were born a lily petal fell on your head”
“OW KAHF HSHA DISHWKSDKC UEO”
“Shut up Brick”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5g6sp/a_girl_goes_up_to_her_mother/
%
I used to hate going to weddings

Remember when you’d go to a wedding and all the old dears and grannies would come up to you - they’d start poking you in the ribs with their pointy fingers and say ‘you’re next, you’re next’ with a big grin on their face...
Well I put an end to all of that - I started doing the same thing back to them at funerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5fygk/i_used_to_hate_going_to_weddings/
%
A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat

, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5fwr2/a_nursery_school_pupil_told_his_teacher_hed_found/
%
What happened to the guy who called Terry Crews muscles too small?

He died of dissing terry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5fvpg/what_happened_to_the_guy_who_called_terry_crews/
%
Grandpa and Grandson

"You kids today don't know what it's like to really live", said Grandpa.
"What do you mean Grandpa?" asked Grandson
"Well, I led a very adventurous life and did many adventurous things. When I was your age, I used to go to France...I would go to France and go to the brothels and drink all of their wine! I would drink all their wine and fuck all of their prostitutes and I wouldn't pay for any of it! I'd spit in the bartenders face and leave!"
Grandson, wanting to prove that he could live like his Grandfather, took it upon himself to travel to France. He went to he nearest brothel, drank all the wine, had sex a with all of the prostitutes, didn't pay for it, and spat in the bartenders face. Before he got far out the door the brothel workers caught him and beat him up.
Grandson returned home to Grandpa beaten and disheveled.
"Well Grandpa, I guess you were you right. I just can't live like you did."
"Well of course you can't, I was in the SS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5fv0b/grandpa_and_grandson/
%
”How do you think the unthinkable?”

“eyethburgs”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5frys/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
You know what the REAL difference between an alligator and a crocodile is?

One sees you later, the other sees you in a while. I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5fqr2/you_know_what_the_real_difference_between_an/
%
What do we want?!? Low flying airplane noises!!! When do we want them?!?

NNEEEEOOOOWWWwwwwww...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5fjz6/what_do_we_want_low_flying_airplane_noises_when/
%
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5fjts/what_do_you_call_the_security_outside_of_a/
%
Charlie Sheen just received an AA coin in relation to maintaining sobriety for a year

Next to his HIV diagnosis, this may be the second most positive experience of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5fj89/charlie_sheen_just_received_an_aa_coin_in/
%
Why is a camera like a condom?

They both capture the moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5fizt/why_is_a_camera_like_a_condom/
%
A deaf couple get married

A few months into their marriage, they realise their sex life isn’t going too well because they can’t communicate in the dark when they turn the lights out for bedtime, so they decide to make a pact.
The wife says to her husband ‘if you want to have sex, just touch my right breast once and if you don’t want to have sex, just touch my left breast’
The husband agrees and says to his wife ‘if you want to have sex, just tug on my willy once and if you don’t want to have sex, just tug on my willy about 50 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5fgzw/a_deaf_couple_get_married/
%
If the Earth is flat...

...how come my life is perpetually going downhill?
Check mate, flat earthers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5fdtg/if_the_earth_is_flat/
%
Why was the broom late to school?

Because he over swept

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5fbtg/why_was_the_broom_late_to_school/
%
Three women escape from a prison and take refuge in an old barn.

The barn is almost empty, except for three old wooden barrels. The police are closing in on them, so they decide they will each hide in a barrel.
After a while the police arrive and start to search the barn. A police office kicks the fist barrel, with a brunette woman inside.
“Meooooow!” Says the woman.
“Nothing in here but a cat” says the officer as he moves on to the next barre.
He kicks the next barrel, with a red headed woman inside.
“Squeak squeak” says the woman.
“Just a bunch of mice” says the officer.
The officer approaches the last barrel and gives it a kick. There is no response so he kicks it even harder.
The blonde woman inside the barrel finally replies by yelling “POTATOES”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5f8hu/three_women_escape_from_a_prison_and_take_refuge/
%
Wife to Husband: What would you do if you knew the world was going to end in 10 minutes?

- I would make love to you - he answered.
- And what about the other nine minutes ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5f8bd/wife_to_husband_what_would_you_do_if_you_knew_the/
%
A chicken farmer is having a problem with the number of eggs the chickens are laying. They hires 3 scientists to help them figure it out, a Biologist, A Chemist, and a Physicist.

The Biologist runs some tests and tells the farmer that the hormone levels are off and a better living condition might help.
The Chemist does some tests and tells the farmer that the feed doesn't contain enough calcium for the birds to produce eggs and suggests changing to a calcium rich diet would help.
The Physicist does some calculations and tells the farmer I know the solution to dealing with your egg laying problem, but it only works on a sphearical chiken in a vacuum!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ewpv/a_chicken_farmer_is_having_a_problem_with_the/
%
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
*as told by my 85 year old grandfather-in-law*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5evw6/what_do_you_do_with_an_elephant_with_three_balls/
%
Caught my wife in bed with my best friend...

Cooper's not usually allowed on the bed but the dogs so damn cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5etdj/caught_my_wife_in_bed_with_my_best_friend/
%
What do you call a religious eagle?

A bird of pray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5esak/what_do_you_call_a_religious_eagle/
%
Political opinions are like penises

It's fine to be proud of it, just don't take it out in public or try to force it down someone else's throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5epbk/political_opinions_are_like_penises/
%
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,

“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”
Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”
“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...”
“Well, all right, three times...”
“Three, hmmm. When were they?”
“Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked...”
“Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?”
“Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again...”
“I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife... All right then, when was the third time?”
“Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 98 votes short...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5eoy9/sam_and_becky_are_celebrating_their_50th_wedding/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5eoy5/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
What did the chicken farmer’s daughter say to her dry skinned mother?

“Hey you got the eggs, ma?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5enbm/what_did_the_chicken_farmers_daughter_say_to_her/
%
Okay so there were 2 nuns

And after service that Sunday, the priest came up to them and asked them if they could paint one of the rooms in the church as they were renovating and needed volunteers.
"But Father, we will get paint on our robes." said the one nun.
"Do not worry about it. Just paint the room naked and your robes shall stay clean and pure." replied the priest.
So after an hour of painting, the two nuns hear a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" asked the nun
"The blind man." replied the man behind the door.
"Who?" asked the nun.
"It is the blind man." the voice answered back.
The other nun spoke to the other nun: "Oh sister, we can let him enter as he is blind."
So they opened up the door and the man walks in and says "Nice tits! Where do you want the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5emp6/okay_so_there_were_2_nuns/
%
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".
So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5el0f/today_at_the_gym_i_asked_a_girl_what_her_new/
%
Why was there only 2 pallbearers at XXXTENTACION’s funeral?

There’s only 2 handles on a trash can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ekza/why_was_there_only_2_pallbearers_at_xxxtentacions/
%
Little Johnny's parents are concerned about his school art work.

Everything he brings home is black or brown.  They take him to a psychologist to see if he is having some issues.  The psychologist wants to see him at work; gives him some paper and a new box of crayons.
Johnny says "Cool.  At school the only crayons we have left are black and brown."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5efuh/little_johnnys_parents_are_concerned_about_his/
%
Where do ghost babies get their milk from?

BoOoooOooObs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ea33/where_do_ghost_babies_get_their_milk_from/
%
A cosmetology student had to retake her final exam...

It was a makeup makeup test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5e9ra/a_cosmetology_student_had_to_retake_her_final_exam/
%
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.
General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bhang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to Rosie O'Donnell; many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5e927/muslim_suicide_bombers_in_britain_are_set_to/
%
The meaning of life

On the first day, God created the dog and said:   'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'   So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:   'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'   And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:   'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years...'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'   And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:   'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'   'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'   So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5e5ts/the_meaning_of_life/
%
Ya know, cancer would probably be a thing of the past by now

If people would stop fucking donating to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5dx3o/ya_know_cancer_would_probably_be_a_thing_of_the/
%
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

Halfway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5dwit/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_ocean/
%
I just came into a lot of money.

I usually use a towel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5dv8b/i_just_came_into_a_lot_of_money/
%
Euler's Number, an imaginary number, and the speed of light are all waiting in line to buy tickets to the show. In what order do they stand in line?

*i* before *e*, except after *c*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5dtod/eulers_number_an_imaginary_number_and_the_speed/
%
The new machine at the gym is my favourite...

It has snicker, skittles, kit kats and twix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5dpbf/the_new_machine_at_the_gym_is_my_favourite/
%
Due to Political correctness Dick Van Dyke is having to change his name

He’ll now been known as Penis Truck Lesbian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5didn/due_to_political_correctness_dick_van_dyke_is/
%
What does a transgender want to be when she grows up

A male man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5dgb0/what_does_a_transgender_want_to_be_when_she_grows/
%
I got an award that fell apart after a while.

I call it "Entrophy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5decg/i_got_an_award_that_fell_apart_after_a_while/
%
A woman is getting worried on the night of her arranged wedding.

Having never had sex, Rosa was reluctant to consummate her marriage, so she consulted her mother.
"Mama, what if I don't like his body?"
"Do not be so nervous, Rosa, I'm sure everything will be fine."
So Rosa went into her husbands room, and saw that his shirt was off, and also that he had a great bush of chest hair, so she ran out of the room and said,
"Mama! Mama! His chest is so hairy!"
"Do not be so nervous, Rosa, he is only a boy, and you are a beautiful girl."
Somewhat reassured, Rosa went again into her husbands room, and saw that his pants were off, and that he had massive amounts of hair on his legs. So once again, Rosa ran into the hallway, and said,
"Mama! Mama! His legs are so hairy!" And once again, her mother replied,
"Please Rosa, do not be so nervous, he is still just a boy, and you are still a girl."
Finally calm, Rosa proceeded into her husbands room, and saw that his socks were off, and also that half of the toes on his right foot were completely missing. Horrified, Rosa ran out of the room yelling,
"Mama! Mama! He's only got a foot and a half!"
To which her mother replied,
"Move girl, this is a job for a woman!" And went into the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5ddpt/a_woman_is_getting_worried_on_the_night_of_her/
%
A dung beetle walks into a bar.....

\*Sits down\*
"Is this stool taken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5dber/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.....

**'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to**
**get into heaven.'**
**The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.**
**It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said**
**The Navy C-2 pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'**
**Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'.**
**The Air Force fighter pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women'spanties..**
**St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'**
**He replied, 'These are Carols.'**
**And So The Christmas Season Begins. . .**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5d97q/three_pilots_died_on_christmas_eve_and_were_met/
%
In the middle of the night, the phone rang

"What time does the library open, sir?", a man asks
"9 o'clock", answered the head of the library feeling upset for his sleep being disturbed
"Can you open it sooner, I wanna get out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5d2ps/in_the_middle_of_the_night_the_phone_rang/
%
I got fired from the calendar factory...

...for taking a day off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5d2bp/i_got_fired_from_the_calendar_factory/
%
Career day at elementary school

Teacher: Welcome to career day, class. Let’s go around the room and introduce our dads and what they do.
Teacher: Tommy, you first.
Tommy: My dad is a fireman and puts out fires!
Teacher: John, your turn.
John: My daddy is a doctor and he helps sick people.
Teacher: David, where is your daddy today?
David: He’s dead.
Teacher: Oh I’m sorry to hear that! What did he do before he died?
(David thinks for a moment)
David: He turned blue and shit on himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5cy63/career_day_at_elementary_school/
%
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5cvlm/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
What do Irish people only put 239 beans in their chili?

Because if they add one more it’ll be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5cptc/what_do_irish_people_only_put_239_beans_in_their/
%
3 settlers are captured by Aztecs

The Aztecs said they could be free if they gathered 10 of the same fruit and then executed a task which would be revealed afterwards.
The first settler to come back brought 10 apples, and upon getting there learned that he had to shove all 10 of them up his bottom without making a facial expression. He did fine the 1st 2 but started crying after the 3rd one. The second settler saw this, so he gathered 10 grapes. He got back and was doing well all the way until after the 9th one, when he burst out laughing uncontrollably and was soon killed.
Up in heaven, the first settler told the 2nd one he could've lived if he had kept a straight face. The 2nd one said, "I couldn't help it, I saw the 3rd settler carrying 10 pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5cmhu/3_settlers_are_captured_by_aztecs/
%
A man is standing on a cliff and says to his wife “I bet I can make it to the bottom faster than you!”. She agrees to the bet and they both jump off at the same time. Who wins?

Charles Darwin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5cgkj/a_man_is_standing_on_a_cliff_and_says_to_his_wife/
%
A man with a small penis finally gathers the courage to talk to a doctor about it.

The man explains his situation, and asks the doctor if there are any over the counter pills he can take.
"Not really, you see, most of these miracle pills don't actually work, and come with a plethora of side effects," the doctor replied. "But, I can write you a prescription that should fix the problem entirely."
"What is it?"
"Marijuana," the doctor said plainly, writing on his pad.
"Really, pot increases penis size?"
"No, you just wont give a fuck anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5cfn9/a_man_with_a_small_penis_finally_gathers_the/
%
My daughter showed me her Math homework and told me she didn't get arrays.

I told her I didn't get a raise either because my boss is a cheap bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5cc2g/my_daughter_showed_me_her_math_homework_and_told/
%
A stork is carrying a 80 year old man.

At some point, the old man says to the stork: "Come on, admit it, we're lost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5c9wk/a_stork_is_carrying_a_80_year_old_man/
%
At my executive chef job a couple called me out to compliment me for cooking their steak thoroughly with no pink inside.

It’s always nice to be recognized for a job well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5c6ay/at_my_executive_chef_job_a_couple_called_me_out/
%
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5c39j/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
%
How do you beat up a priest?

With NUNchucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5bzni/how_do_you_beat_up_a_priest/
%
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5bxiw/one_day_a_guy_dies_and_finds_himself_in_hell/
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What’s the difference between sexy and sexual?

You don’t hear of sexy predators.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5bwkx/whats_the_difference_between_sexy_and_sexual/
%
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5bvpx/fishing_and_girlfriends_are_exactly_alike/
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Telling jokes in a monastery

I man wants to join a monastery and he visits the place for a tour.
As the head monk is showing him around, they pass a closed door and the man hears laughing inside.
"What's going on in there?", he asks.
"This is the joke-telling room!", the monk replies.
As they go into the room, the man sees hundreds of monks, all sat around and laughing.
One monk pipes up..."#34"
The monks all start laughing and rolling around on the floor, creased over in uncontrollable laughter.
As the room quietens, another monk shouts "#59!"
Again, the monks start creasing and howling with amusement.
The man doesn't understand what's going on...
"Why are they laughing at numbers?"
"They're laughing at jokes. But to save time, we've remembered all of the jokes and numbered each one, so it's much quicker for us to tell them. You should give it a go!"
The head monk quietens the room and gestures towards the man to speak.
"#86!", he shouts.
The room goes quiet and then erupts in absolute hysteria. The monks are laughing and howling so hard, they're creased over each and tears are streaming down their faces. Even the head monk is keeled over in uncontrollable laughter and after laughing and crying for a good 10 minutes, the man says...
"Why was that so funny?"
The head monk stops laughing and wipes tears from his eyes and replies "Because we haven't heard that one before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5buny/telling_jokes_in_a_monastery/
%
What cookbook do they use in hell?

The Necro nom nom nomicon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5bu7t/what_cookbook_do_they_use_in_hell/
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

His wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5btz7/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
Life is like photography

You use the negatives to develop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5bqea/life_is_like_photography/
%
I told my fiance to go stand in the corner when she is cold.

Its usually about 90°

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5bjti/i_told_my_fiance_to_go_stand_in_the_corner_when/
%
What kind of bagel can fly?

Plain Bagel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5bi9a/what_kind_of_bagel_can_fly/
%
I'm not saying your mom's an old slut but...

..the bitch gets booty calls on a telegraph.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5bftr/im_not_saying_your_moms_an_old_slut_but/
%
Why do geese fly south in the winter?

It's too far to walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5b0f3/why_do_geese_fly_south_in_the_winter/
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The coach had put together the perfect team for the Philadelphia Eagles. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.

He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
“I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old Muslim woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son!”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “I will never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5attv/the_coach_had_put_together_the_perfect_team_for/
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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

"School" is my answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5as6m/as_an_aussie_americans_are_always_asking_me_where/
%
What did the acid say to the alkali?

All your base are belong to us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5aqjn/what_did_the_acid_say_to_the_alkali/
%
Everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she was going to be a comedian

Nobody is laughing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5aq3j/everybody_laughed_when_amy_schumer_said_she_was/
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What do you get when you put pants in the microwave?

Hot Pockets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5akcr/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_pants_in_the/
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We should've known communism would fall.

There were a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5aim1/we_shouldve_known_communism_would_fall/
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I was blessed with a 10 inch penis when I was 12 years old...

...I really hope that creepy-ass priest is still in jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5aids/i_was_blessed_with_a_10_inch_penis_when_i_was_12/
%
A physicist walks into a bar and finds another physicist sitting alone drinking, so he walks up and asks if there's anything wrong.

He responds, "I can't find the variable for the initial height of a problem I'm working on."
The other physicist said, "Y0?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5a9cc/a_physicist_walks_into_a_bar_and_finds_another/
%
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5a3hn/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
%
Why doesn't Jesus play hockey, eh?

He's too hung up on lacrosse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5a1ce/why_doesnt_jesus_play_hockey_eh/
%
A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.

American: Have you seen the Titanic?
Canadian: What's that about?
American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5a0zm/a_canadian_asks_an_american_to_watch_a_movie/
%
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured....

His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?"
"Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road."
"And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!"
"And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!"
"While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a59uiz/the_biggest_toughest_american_soldier_in_the/
%
why do millennials always type in lowercase?

because they reject capitalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a59th7/why_do_millennials_always_type_in_lowercase/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

Finally had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a59sff/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
My girlfriend told me to verbally abuse her during sex

I made her call me her fathers name for nostalgia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a59rwd/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_verbally_abuse_her/
%
how do you make a fruit farmer scream?

pinch his plums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a59mva/how_do_you_make_a_fruit_farmer_scream/
%
The average man has sex about 90 times a year.

My next three weeks will be epic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a59m8t/the_average_man_has_sex_about_90_times_a_year/
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Having gay parents must be horrible...

I mean you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in infinite loop of "go ask your mom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a59lsv/having_gay_parents_must_be_horrible/
%
I'm addicted to DIY repairs.

I can't stop thinking about my next fix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a59knx/im_addicted_to_diy_repairs/
%
Husband files for divorce. In the court, judge asks why, he says - she doesn't satisfy me.

The wife replies - the entire neighborhood is satisfied, he is the only one always complaining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5984m/husband_files_for_divorce_in_the_court_judge_asks/
%
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a593r0/twenty_years_from_now_kids_are_gonna_think_baby/
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What does Hitler eat for breakfast?

Luftwaffles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a58xj4/what_does_hitler_eat_for_breakfast/
%
What do you call a cow that isn't brave?

A COWard(sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a58wei/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_isnt_brave/
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What do you call the Pope under investigation ?

Answer :  >! A minor problem !<
[O.C]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a58q93/what_do_you_call_the_pope_under_investigation/
%
Wy do vampire's keep making the same mistake?

They lack self - reflection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a58nx6/wy_do_vampires_keep_making_the_same_mistake/
%
I can’t think of any boat puns...

Canoe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a58gz5/i_cant_think_of_any_boat_puns/
%
When does the dentist start her shift?

Tooth hurty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a58ejt/when_does_the_dentist_start_her_shift/
%
Why do French riot police leave early for work?

So they can beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a58ec4/why_do_french_riot_police_leave_early_for_work/
%
A Russian walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of vodka

The barman serves him his shots, the Russian drinks, pays and leaves.
A month goes by and the Russian is back. Orders 4 shots as the prior month, drinks pays and leaves.
Same on the 3rd, 4th and 5th months.
By the 6th month, the barman curiously asks the Russian why does he come in every month and always orders 4 shots. The Russian responds, my comrades and I used to get together every month and drink. We all moved to different locations and can no longer get together but we made a pack that each of the 4 of us will drink 4 shots every month to commemorate our friendship and time together.
The barman thinks to himself what a great way to remember old friends, serves him his 4 shots on the house that month. The Russian drinks and leaves.
2 years go by of the Russian showing up every month when Suddenly one month he only orders 3 shots. The barman baffled asks the Russian if his friends are okay (worried one might have passed away). The Russian responds:
Yes all my friends are doing great, I stopped drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a58d0z/a_russian_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_4_shots_of/
%
Quit my job at nike today.

Just couldn't do it anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a58ckz/quit_my_job_at_nike_today/
%
Why can’t two Chinese people have a white baby?

Because two wongs don’t make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a58c2t/why_cant_two_chinese_people_have_a_white_baby/
%
For some reason I always get a huge boner on the school bus

Does any other bus driver have this problem?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a58b60/for_some_reason_i_always_get_a_huge_boner_on_the/
%
Do ya know how to avoid click bait?

Perhaps not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a588wg/do_ya_know_how_to_avoid_click_bait/
%
NASA Had a great party.

It was out of this world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a588at/nasa_had_a_great_party/
%
How do you kill the circus?

You go for the Juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a58838/how_do_you_kill_the_circus/
%
The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a586vf/the_other_day_i_was_asking_the_bartender_for_the/
%
What does NASA do when they are making a party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a585s6/what_does_nasa_do_when_they_are_making_a_party/
%
There was this one bike trail I took and I swear, at every turn it tried to kill me.

I hope I never see that crazy cycle path ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a585hm/there_was_this_one_bike_trail_i_took_and_i_swear/
%
A blonde goes into the doctor's office

"What's wrong?," asks the doctor.
"Something serious," she answered. "I hurt all over."
"Show me"
The blond patient puts her finger against her thigh. "Ouch, it hurts here." She places her finger on the middle of her foot indicating pain."Ouch! and here." She moves her finger to the middle of her neck. "Ouch and here." She finally puts her finger in the middle of her forehead and as soon as he touches it she yelps again. "Ouch. See doctor, it hurts everywhere."
"Ma'am, you have a broken finger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a584sv/a_blonde_goes_into_the_doctors_office/
%
There are 27 bones in a human hand.

28 when you are lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a584li/there_are_27_bones_in_a_human_hand/
%
My friend tied a whole bunch of wrist watches and made a belt.

It was rather a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a582rb/my_friend_tied_a_whole_bunch_of_wrist_watches_and/
%
I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke

But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57zbl/i_was_fired_from_my_last_job_because_they/
%
My name is Harley and my father's name is David.

When I meet people that know my father, I'll say "Hi, I'm Harley. David's son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57utl/my_name_is_harley_and_my_fathers_name_is_david/
%
A Beautiful Sound [long]

A man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57t6z/a_beautiful_sound_long/
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What do you call it when you use an app to pay your landscaper?

Ven-mowing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57rzn/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_use_an_app_to_pay/
%
A rabbi, a priest and a buddhist walk into a bar

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57qwh/a_rabbi_a_priest_and_a_buddhist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I've been having sex with Santa...

I'm a Hohosexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57phk/ive_been_having_sex_with_santa/
%
A young man decides it's time to lose his virginity and goes to a house of ill repute.

The madam greets him warmly at the door. She notices he seems to be very eager and on the younger side. He also seems to be a little on the rougher side.
The madam asks, "Have you ever been with a woman before?"
"No, maam. But I'm rearing to go. It'll be my first"
The madam decides to try and dampen his enthusiasm since this rough looking young man seems a little too eager.
"Well, then you need to practice before I'll let you be with one of my women. Go outside to the backyard and you'll see a big tree with a knothole in it. Practice on that first and then we'll let you be with one of our ladies."
The rough young man heads on back. About 15 minutes later the young man comes back in and the madam sends him to a room with one of the working girls. About a minute after she shuts the door, the madam hears a loud SLAP and her worker screeching out loud.
The Madam runs into the room and yells at the young man, "What in tarnation are you doing?"
"Checking for bees first," answers the young man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57p4j/a_young_man_decides_its_time_to_lose_his/
%
A man's wife went into a coma

, and at the hospital the man was discussing the prognosis with their doctor.
Doctor: "There's one way to wake her up, but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and you  have oral sex with her. It's an inexpicable phenomenon, but I've seen it work before."
So the husband goes into his wife's hospital room and about five minutes later he comes back
Doctor: "Did it work?"
Husband: "No, Doc, she's choking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57jfb/a_mans_wife_went_into_a_coma/
%
How does a plumber get in to his computer?

He remembers his password and taps it in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57ger/how_does_a_plumber_get_in_to_his_computer/
%
Look closely now, 007

*This may seem like a regular suitcase, but if you press this button, a handle will come out and you can roll it.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57fo0/look_closely_now_007/
%
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57f5j/i_got_thrown_out_of_disneyworld_for_spreading_my/
%
What do you call a mosquito that is found funny?

Malarious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57dub/what_do_you_call_a_mosquito_that_is_found_funny/
%
A bear goes into a bar in billings

And asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replies “we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in billings.”
The bear is outraged and once again demands a beer. The bartender again says they don’t serve beer to bears in bars in billings.
The bear sees a woman drinking at the end of the bar and says “if you don’t serve me, I’ll eat that woman”
The bartender shakes his head, so the bear, true to his word goes down to the end of bar and rips the woman to shreds, devouring her. Coming back to the barkeep, blood dripping from his snout he growls and once more demands a beer.
The bartender shakes his head once more and says “we don’t serve beer to bears on drugs”. The bear is surprised and simply says “what?”
The bartender points to the carcass at the end of the bar, “that was a bar bitch you ate”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57dh2/a_bear_goes_into_a_bar_in_billings/
%
Nobody and Stupid were on a ferry trip

Suddenly Nobody fell into the water, and Stupid immediately ran to the captain and said:
*- Nobody fell into the water!*
*- What, are you stupid?*
*- Yeah, Stupid said.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57cqa/nobody_and_stupid_were_on_a_ferry_trip/
%
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.

Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a57a0b/i_love_taking_my_blind_daughter_out_for_a_drive/
%
Dad: Do you know what sin city is?

Son: Yeah that is Las Vegas.
Dad: Do you know what den city is?
Son: umm no.
Dad: mass over volume.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a573qe/dad_do_you_know_what_sin_city_is/
%
Why do guys ALWAYS send dick pics?

Because they think the camera adds ten pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56z3m/why_do_guys_always_send_dick_pics/
%
What cheese do you use to hide a small horse?

Mascarpone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56y2r/what_cheese_do_you_use_to_hide_a_small_horse/
%
My grandpa always used to say a good joke was like pussy.

The cleaner the better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56xmk/my_grandpa_always_used_to_say_a_good_joke_was/
%
What do gods talk about in their spare time?

Nothing much. Just idol chatter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56uvk/what_do_gods_talk_about_in_their_spare_time/
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Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.

The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?”
The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”
The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll make it 5 just to be safe.”
The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, “How much do you want it to be?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56tvo/three_college_graduatesone_in_math_one_in/
%
Why is Kim Jong Un so ruthless?

Because he has no Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56sol/why_is_kim_jong_un_so_ruthless/
%
Dear Satan...

This year I want cure to dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56rfa/dear_satan/
%
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

Micro-trans-action

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56pxn/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_transgender_midgets/
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A dyslexic terrorist has stormed in to London Zoo making random demands.

He has taken six ostriches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56n7y/a_dyslexic_terrorist_has_stormed_in_to_london_zoo/
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A teenage boy goes to confession. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I’ve had premarital intercourse.”

The priest says “My son, who was the young lady? Was it Mary O’Toole?”
“I won’t say her name. I don’t want her to get in trouble.”
“Was it Jane Thompson? Laura Smith?”
“Father, I’m not saying who it was.”
He exits the confessional and his friend asks “What’d you get?”
“Ten Hail Mary’s, five Our Father’s, and three good leads.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56mg2/a_teenage_boy_goes_to_confession_forgive_me/
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Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56jwp/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
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Wanna know something about eating clocks?

It's rather... time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56j68/wanna_know_something_about_eating_clocks/
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I took my wife to the doctors this morning for her Tourette’s

However it turns out I just am a cunt, and she really does want me to fuck off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56j52/i_took_my_wife_to_the_doctors_this_morning_for/
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In a way, I feel sorry for the kids of this generation.

They'll have parents who know how to check browser history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56hnv/in_a_way_i_feel_sorry_for_the_kids_of_this/
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This boy and girl went to a party dressed as calf meat.

I felt like a bit of a third veal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56g58/this_boy_and_girl_went_to_a_party_dressed_as_calf/
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TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I’m not joking, but he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56eab/til_stephen_king_has_a_son_named_joe/
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Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump's favourite wrapper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56dwt/why_did_donald_trump_invite_kanye_west_round_to/
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Every guy likes to think he's marrying a nymphomaniac..

Then after the honeymoon, the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a56c11/every_guy_likes_to_think_hes_marrying_a/
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Why don't you go fishing in the winter?

Because you might catch a cold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5696m/why_dont_you_go_fishing_in_the_winter/
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What is one meal white people cook better than black people?

Father's day dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5672l/what_is_one_meal_white_people_cook_better_than/
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"I love these black tie do's,"

I said to my wife.
"Just get ready for my mothers funeral will you, you sarcastic cunt, " she replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a566xk/i_love_these_black_tie_dos/
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The most offensive thing you can say to someone is

ATTACK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a566h5/the_most_offensive_thing_you_can_say_to_someone_is/
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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a566de/my_therapist_told_me_that_a_great_way_to_let_go/
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I once knew a Nurse who was really into boating...

... she was always going down on the docs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a564p6/i_once_knew_a_nurse_who_was_really_into_boating/
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The singer for the band Steppenwolf has been decapitated in a motorbike accident...

They found his head out on the highway...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a563b3/the_singer_for_the_band_steppenwolf_has_been/
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Sheila The Aussie Housewife

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce!", she yelled. Bruce came running in. 'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor with my fanny ' she said.
'Crikey!' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.
They came back and they both tried to pull her up. 'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said. 'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?
I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank. 'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.''
Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'
'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5634z/sheila_the_aussie_housewife/
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Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on. “When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head.”
“Yuk!” The bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that really is a drag!” said the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a55y8y/coming_into_the_bar_and_ordering_a_double_the_man/
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Doing math makes people horny for some reasons

Everyone in my class always says “fuck me” when they have to do math

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a55y00/doing_math_makes_people_horny_for_some_reasons/
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Why do pirates never finish the alphabet

Because they are lost at C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a55xp2/why_do_pirates_never_finish_the_alphabet/
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Do any of you want to buy a dead battery?

I’m not charging much for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a55scm/do_any_of_you_want_to_buy_a_dead_battery/
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A haiku about getting out of bed in the morning

I came up with this one myself, here's the haiku:
No no no no no
No no no no no no no
No no no no no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a55rp0/a_haiku_about_getting_out_of_bed_in_the_morning/
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My sister's dog died.

I got her an identical dog to help her.
She was shocked, she said, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a55odf/my_sisters_dog_died/
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Why did the French ZOG officer leave early for work?

So he could beat the crowds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a55kdj/why_did_the_french_zog_officer_leave_early_for/
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One day, einstein had to speak at a very important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a55f0d/one_day_einstein_had_to_speak_at_a_very_important/
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Does anyone know how to get a companion?

Asking for a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a55drp/does_anyone_know_how_to_get_a_companion/
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Today I learned the history of the word noodles

Back in ancient Asian territory, they created a food product. They chose to trade it with the Western world. When asked what they called this food, they realised they didn't have a name for it yet. It was a great food that always ended with empty bowls, so they decided to take the English words 'naught' and 'food' and put them together, which eventually became the word noodles.
The Western world was impressed, but thought 'empty food' seemed a bit negative. So they took the number one and the word 'food' and combined them to make 'oodles'. Oodles of noodles sounded great, it felt like the number one food.
I thought this etymology was wonderful and decided to have noodles for dinner. I invited my friend over and we went to order two servings from the local takeout shop. However, when I went in to order, they just smiled and waved goodbye. I turned to my friend, utterly confused. "Why didn't they take my order?" I asked them.
"Well, it was probably because you said toodles".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a55d2l/today_i_learned_the_history_of_the_word_noodles/
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My uncle's chicken farm business didn't take off so he switched to ducks...

The it was all bills, bills, bills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a55b5x/my_uncles_chicken_farm_business_didnt_take_off_so/
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E is the most commonly used letter.

I was shocked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a55atq/e_is_the_most_commonly_used_letter/
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I've never seen a baby video that has given me any sort of enjoyment.

Or atleast that's what my lawyer advised me to say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a559ep/ive_never_seen_a_baby_video_that_has_given_me_any/
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“You just awoke.” Grandpa asks, “Why so blue?”

I reply “It appears I sent a drunk text to five of my exes last night before I slept.”
“I know how you feel.” He goes, “I had the same sadness whenever I did that before I met your granny.”
“You texted?” I ask.
“No,” he says, “Sometimes I’d wake up Sunday morning, open the drawer, and find 5 missing stamps.”
“I’d think ‘Fuck! I’m so screwed in 7 to 10 business days.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a55804/you_just_awoke_grandpa_asks_why_so_blue/
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I knew someone in college who would have sex with anyone for free Adderall.

She was an attention whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a557v4/i_knew_someone_in_college_who_would_have_sex_with/
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My three year old girl asked me

"Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked,  "And Tigger?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a557r5/my_three_year_old_girl_asked_me/
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People nowadays are so rude

Last time I got on a plane everybody went batshit crazy for no reason, screaming and running around the place.
I mean, I was just saying "Hi" to my friend Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5577g/people_nowadays_are_so_rude/
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What kind of swimwear do Queen Bees wear?

Beekinis. To cover up their boobees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a555ul/what_kind_of_swimwear_do_queen_bees_wear/
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A traffic cop went through the trouble of leaving a note under my wipers to let me know I’d positioned my car correctly

It said “Parking fine” so that was nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a555t3/a_traffic_cop_went_through_the_trouble_of_leaving/
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My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a552iq/my_grandfather_warned_people_that_the_titanic/
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a551zc/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_shes_been/
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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5512d/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
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I have to brag, I have sex almost every day...

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a54zwl/i_have_to_brag_i_have_sex_almost_every_day/
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What kind of music is a balloon scared of ?

Pop music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a54we9/what_kind_of_music_is_a_balloon_scared_of/
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A pregnant woman saw a man smiling at her on the bus.

An eight-month-old pregnant woman gets on a bus. She noticed that a man was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another place. This time, the man’s smile became a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver, and had the man arrested.
The case was raised in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well, your honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I could not help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign of sweets saying: TWO TWINS COME and I smile.
Then she moved and sat under a sign where it says: LOGAN’S LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING, I had to grin.
Then she sat under a deodorant sign that said: WILLIAMS BIG STICK DID THE TRICK, i couldn’t handle myself.
But your honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under a sign saying: GOODYEAR RUBBER COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS ACCIDENT, I just lost it.
The case was closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a54w63/a_pregnant_woman_saw_a_man_smiling_at_her_on_the/
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Hello girl, you a newspaper?

Because there seems to be a new issue with you every single fucking day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a54tyu/hello_girl_you_a_newspaper/
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How do you make a soup rich?

Add 24 carrots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a54tpx/how_do_you_make_a_soup_rich/
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When the restaurant is full

I went to a restaurant.
It was full; no place where to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a54p1m/when_the_restaurant_is_full/
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Who could beat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a54m3b/who_could_beat_captain_america/
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Warning, Adblock will ruin your dating prospects

I installed it, and now there aren't hundreds of sexy women in my area waiting to meet me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a54ldo/warning_adblock_will_ruin_your_dating_prospects/
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What is the difference between a prospector and a paedophile?

Prospectors mine for treasure, but paedophiles treasure minor's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a54j8x/what_is_the_difference_between_a_prospector_and_a/
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What do you get when a soviet paraplegic chases an American double-amputee?

An arms race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a54arj/what_do_you_get_when_a_soviet_paraplegic_chases/
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How many Ancient Egyptians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh!  You're a conspiracy theorist too?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a548fc/how_many_ancient_egyptians_does_it_take_to_screw/
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A fisherman walks into /r/Jokes

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing.
The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod."
"Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before."
"No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman.
The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC.
The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish."
"Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street".
"No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'.
"Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time".
"No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes."
The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?"
The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?"
The fisherman nods.
The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense.
He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?"
The fisherman says "I can't answer that here".
The bartender asks "Why not?"
The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a547bq/a_fisherman_walks_into_rjokes/
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After 25 years of marriage, my wife and I have only oral sex....

...We shout, "Fuck you!" as we pass each other in the hall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a543di/after_25_years_of_marriage_my_wife_and_i_have/
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I asked my Latino friend if Mexicans are offended by all the talk of building a wall on the southern border...

He said, "Eh... we'll get over it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a542ms/i_asked_my_latino_friend_if_mexicans_are_offended/
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I marveled at my handiwork of my latest creation: a fence made entirely from fecal matter

It was a quality shitpost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a53ybz/i_marveled_at_my_handiwork_of_my_latest_creation/
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Did you know when a man masturbates he generates 5 BTU of energy?

So if you had 5000 men in a room masturbating, it would be extremely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a53x3v/did_you_know_when_a_man_masturbates_he_generates/
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Americans be like:

“My vote makes a difference!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a53vr1/americans_be_like/
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How can you stop bacon from curling in the pan?

Just take away their little brooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a53tsi/how_can_you_stop_bacon_from_curling_in_the_pan/
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How do you know when a surfer has drowned?

There's a Gnarly Wake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a53fuq/how_do_you_know_when_a_surfer_has_drowned/
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I always thought it was vowel movement instead of bowel movement...

Which kind of makes sense if you think about it...
You’re on the toilet going Aaaaa.... Eeeee.... Iiiiii.... Oooooo.... Uuuuu...
And sometimes WHY?!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a53fhm/i_always_thought_it_was_vowel_movement_instead_of/
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Ever since it started to snow, all my wife does is stare through the window.

I really should let her in at some point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a53dpi/ever_since_it_started_to_snow_all_my_wife_does_is/
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An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a53c0p/an_old_cowboy_sat_down_at_the_starbucks_and/
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A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a539gb/a_duck_a_skunk_and_a_deer_went_out_for_dinner_at/
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My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
I’m aware it dosnt’ look right the way I wrote it ,but you get the gist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a538b4/my_wife_found_out_i_was_cheating_on_her_after_she/
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A Priest, Pastor & Rabbi

Three holy men find a duffle bag full of money and try and decide what to do with it.
They decide to split it three ways but know they have to give some to the church too.
They Priest decides to draw a circle on the ground  and says " I will throw my share up in the air and what falls in the circle was meant for god and will be given to the church what does not i will keep."
The Pastor takes a turn but says " I will do the same but what falls out of the circle was meant for god and will be given to the church."
The Rabbi is about to take his turn and turns to the other two and smiles and says as he throws his share in the air " What God wants he can keep...the rest is mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a536be/a_priest_pastor_rabbi/
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The man who invented the cough drop passed away last week

He decided not to have a coffin at his funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a535ej/the_man_who_invented_the_cough_drop_passed_away/
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My friend confessed to me that he was addicted to necrophiliac bestiality porn

I told him he needed to quit cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a534xv/my_friend_confessed_to_me_that_he_was_addicted_to/
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Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?

Something inside me says yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5345r/does_my_thai_girlfriend_have_a_penis/
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"Fetch me my red shirt..."

One fine afternoon, a merchant captain was guiding his crew across the Spanish Main when the sailor from the crow's nest called down in a panicked voice.
"Cap'n!!!" he cried, "Ship approaching from the starboard side!  An' she's flying pirate colors!!!"
Calmly, the captain turned to his first mate and said, "Mate, fetch me my red shirt."  Puzzled, the mate did as he was told and returned to the captain with a long-sleeved, silk, deep crimson shirt, which the captain changed into.
The pirate ship came alongside the merchants and, to everyone's surprise, the merchant captain jumped onto the pirate vessel and in a dazzling display of swordsmanship started subduing the offenders.  The merchant crew, inspired by such heroism, swarmed the pirates and won the fight.  And there was much rejoicing.
A couple of days later, the mate from the crow's nest called down again, with even more panic in his voice.
"Cap'n!!!!!  TWO ships approaching from the port side!  They're flying pirate colors!!!"
Cool as a cucumber, the captain turned to his mate and again said, "Fetch me my red shirt."  The red shirt was donned, the captain fought like a master swordsman, the crew was inspired, and both ships of pirates were routed.  The merchant crew was ecstatic.
That night at dinner, the first mate pulled the captain away from the rest of the mess.  "Cap'n," he asked, "I just have to know.  What is the magic in that red shirt?"
The captain gaily laughed, "Ha ha ha.  It is no magic.  The shirt merely serves to hide my true condition."
The first mate looked confused.
"You see," the captain continued, drawing his rapier, "With these light swords, they way you win a fight is by poking your opponent repeatedly.  You get enough nicks on them and eventually they collapse, faint and weak, and victory is yours.  With a shirt that is the same color as my fresh blood, my crew has no idea just how wounded I am at any point in the fight, which (due to my superior acting) makes them think that I am pristine and unscathed even when I am not.  In short, the red shirt hides my body's true response to the situation."
The mate got it, smiled, and carried about his business.
The next day, a call came down from the crow's nest, more panicked than ever.
"CAPTAIN!!!" the voice cried, "TEN ships approaching from the starboard side!!!  And they're all flying pirate colors!!!"
With measured calmness, the captain said to his first mate, "Fetch me my brown pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a52ycd/fetch_me_my_red_shirt/
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A boy and his dad are walking down the street (Long)

The two of them see two dogs mating and the boy asks "Dad what are they doing?" The man replies "saying they are making a puppy"
Later that night the boy gets up in the middle of night for water and finds his parents having sex. The boy asks "Mom, Dad, What are you two doing?"
The dad says "Well, we are making you a baby brother."
To which the kid replies, "Can you flip her over so we have a puppy instead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a52va9/a_boy_and_his_dad_are_walking_down_the_street_long/
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(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”

A cow with no lips!
And Gold! You guys rock, he’ll love it!
Platinum!?! Wow 👌🏼💪🏼

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a52uf2/from_my_8_yo_what_goes_oooooooooooooooo/
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What's the difference between a christmas bonus and a penis?

The wife still blows the bonus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a52svt/whats_the_difference_between_a_christmas_bonus/
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Why do girls go crazy for guitarists?

Because they're good with their fingering and they know their way around a G-string

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a52qju/why_do_girls_go_crazy_for_guitarists/
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If I had a nickel for every typo I made..

I'd probably have a lot more than 5 sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a52q9k/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_typo_i_made/
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Yea, people treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they need something from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a52pkl/yea_people_treat_me_like_a_god/
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A very good-looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and takes a seat.

During the course of the evening, he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man—and I mean a REALLY ugly man—walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with two of the most beautiful women you’ve ever seen.
Disheartened by all this, the good-looking man asks the barman, “Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women—what’s his secret? He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want, but I have not been able to hook-up all night. What’s going on?”
“Well,” says the barman, “I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a52jee/a_very_goodlooking_man_walks_into_a_singles_bar/
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Once upon a time, in Scotland...

A man is using his hand to scoop some water from a Scottish Highland brook. He is about to drink when he is interrupted by a local shouting a warning: “Dinnae drink thon water, mun, it’s foo o’ coo’s shite ’n’ pish.”
The man peers over at the local and calls back, “My good fellow, I’m English. Be a good chap and repeat that in the Queen’s English, would you?”
The local replies, “I said, '>!use both hands – you get more that way!<'.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a52dp1/once_upon_a_time_in_scotland/
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A doctor in a mental institution is making his daily rounds. Long NSFW

In the first room he visits he finds a man pretending to bounce and shoot a ball. He asks the man what he is doing, he replies “when I get out of here I’m going to be a professional basketball player!” The doctor says “oh that’s great!” And proceeds to the next room.
In the next room he finds a man who is pretending to swing a bat. The doctor asks what the man is doing to which he replies “I’m practicing my swing because when I get out I’m going to be a professional baseball player!” The doctor says “oh that’s great!” And proceeds to the next room.
In the next room he finds a man with his dick out in a bowl of nuts. The doctor asks what the man is doing to which he replies “I’m fucking nuts I’m never getting out of here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a52die/a_doctor_in_a_mental_institution_is_making_his/
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At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing" the woman says and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty and the man finds they have a lot in common.
He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies.
"You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a528xc/at_a_restaurant_a_man_sees_an_attractive_woman/
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A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a522nn/a_pun_a_play_on_words_and_a_limerick_walk_into_a/
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What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51wj7/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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What does a cannible use when eating a disabled person?

Vegetable slicer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51vu1/what_does_a_cannible_use_when_eating_a_disabled/
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Kid: Dad I want to be in politics when I grow up

Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you retarded?
Kid: Never mind there seem to be too many requirements

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51vdd/kid_dad_i_want_to_be_in_politics_when_i_grow_up/
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How are Kids like Pancakes?

You always fuck up the first one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51tis/how_are_kids_like_pancakes/
%
Where did King Arthur park his camel?

In the Camel Lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51t5y/where_did_king_arthur_park_his_camel/
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K and not a C?

Because you can’t “C” in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51qak/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
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I like my women like I like my steak.

Sizzlin hot and pink on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51p53/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_steak/
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What are all communists born with?

Birthmarx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51odt/what_are_all_communists_born_with/
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I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help.
I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51nkl/i_gave_my_ex_a_taste_of_her_own_medicine/
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Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51l5g/me_at_age_10_i_wish_i_was_a_dog_theyre_always/
%
Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51l36/communism_jokes_are_not_funny/
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A statistician, a physicist, and an engineer go on a hunting trip (better ending)

They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing
The physicist calculates the distance of the target,  the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, but misses the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes and says "you forgot to account for the wind! Give it here." The engineer takes the rifle licks his finger, calculates the speed and direction of the wind, then fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
The statistician starts laughing. He then pulls out a sub-machine gun and unloads the clip into the deer. The statistician then says "We just needed a larger sample size".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51ggt/a_statistician_a_physicist_and_an_engineer_go_on/
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A man and his son go to the Pharmacy

While looking for his medicine the kid looks to a pack of condoms and asks his dad: Dad, what is this?
His dad replies: those are condoms son, people use them so they can safely have fun together, while under the blankets.
A few moments later the kid point to a pack of 3 condoms and asks: Dad what are those for?
His dad replies: those are for the highschool folks, one to use on Friday, one to use on Saturday and one to use on Sunday.
The kid points to a pack of 6 and asks: and what are those for?
His dad replies: those are for college folks, 2 to use on Friday, 2 to use on Saturday and 2 to use on Sunday.
Later the kid points to a pack of 12 and asks: Dad, what are those for?
With a smile on his face his dad replies: those are for the married folks.
For which the kid replies: really dad?
His dad replies: Yes son, it's one to use on January, one to use on February, one to use on March....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51eho/a_man_and_his_son_go_to_the_pharmacy/
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Celsius be like

On a scale of 0-100, how hot is this water?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51abp/celsius_be_like/
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Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51a0p/scientist_my_findings_are_meaningless_if_taken/
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How do you know that Mercy is a true blonde?

Because heroes never dye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a518bg/how_do_you_know_that_mercy_is_a_true_blonde/
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What do you call a Scottish person with a colostomy bag?

A human bagpipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a515lb/what_do_you_call_a_scottish_person_with_a/
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What do you call the shareholders of a bankrupt company?

MiStake Holders.
(It's bad I know)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a515k7/what_do_you_call_the_shareholders_of_a_bankrupt/
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"What are you doing?" asked my wife.

"Putting plastic mice on the lawn to keep away elephants."
"There's no fucking elephants out there," she snarled.
"Of course not," I replied, "I've put the plastic mice out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a510kg/what_are_you_doing_asked_my_wife/
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Did you hear about the guy with five dicks?

His condom fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a51054/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_five_dicks/
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I was chatting with my neighbour who was bragging about how clever his dog was

He said "he knows all his toys by name and will fetch certain items by command, he fetches my slippers, I can even send him to get the paper, from the newsagent" .
I said " I know he told me "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a5103o/i_was_chatting_with_my_neighbour_who_was_bragging/
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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo from, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a50yso/people_always_ask_where_i_got_my_incredibly/
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Two Nazi's walk into a BAR

They die...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a50x03/two_nazis_walk_into_a_bar/
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Nearly had sex with a Ladyboy last night...

Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!.... That's when I thought "Fucking hell there's something wrong here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a50uty/nearly_had_sex_with_a_ladyboy_last_night/
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A soldier holds 3 hostages during war

He says he will set all the non-conformists free and shoots the others. So, he begin giving his questions to the 3 men.
Soldier: "Are you a Muslim?"
1st man: "No, I eat pork and have gay sex."
The soldier sets him free and gives him bacon to eat. Proceeding to the second man, the soldier asks: "Are you a Nazi?"
2nd man: "No, I love everyone and believe all humans are equal."
The soldier then sets him free while thanking him for being kind. Then soldier goes to the third man and asks him: "Are you a communist?"
3rd man: "No, I don't understand economics."
The soldier shoots him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a50skx/a_soldier_holds_3_hostages_during_war/
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What pronouns do you use for a chocolate lover?

Her/she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a50s37/what_pronouns_do_you_use_for_a_chocolate_lover/
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What would you think if one day, you woke up and didn’t have a sense of humor?

You probably wouldn’t think it was very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a50qbl/what_would_you_think_if_one_day_you_woke_up_and/
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I was in a band called The Prevention.

We hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a50p10/i_was_in_a_band_called_the_prevention/
%
My wife and I can never agree on holidays

I want to fly to exotic places and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a50mlx/my_wife_and_i_can_never_agree_on_holidays/
%
My dog likes to chase this man on a bike

It got so bad, I think I have to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a508s8/my_dog_likes_to_chase_this_man_on_a_bike/
%
Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a504y4/why_do_ducks_have_tail_feathers/
%
How many Brexiteers do you need to change a light bulb

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a504mc/how_many_brexiteers_do_you_need_to_change_a_light/
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Chuck Norris doesn’t need to flush the toilet.

He scares the shit out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a502uv/chuck_norris_doesnt_need_to_flush_the_toilet/
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What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?

A civil engineer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4zz42/what_do_you_call_a_polite_man_who_builds_bridges/
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My friend said he had a really good memory. I didn’t believe him and told him to prove it.

He told me about a time when he was 6 and wanted an N64 for christmas. On christmas morning he found an N64 and 3 games under the tree and was overjoyed.
I guess I was wrong. It was a pretty good memory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4zvlw/my_friend_said_he_had_a_really_good_memory_i/
%
So there is a Lizard in the jungle

He's walking around doing a little exploring. He then notices there is a small hut in a tree that has some smoke coming out of it. So, the lizard yells up to the hut and says 'Hey! is everything okay up there?"
A monkey pokes his head out of the hut and looks down and says "Yeah man, just up here enjoying this good reefer. Would you like to come and smoke?"
The Lizards takes no time to make his decision and before he knew it, he was up there sitting with the monkey.
After about an hour of the smoking that good reefer. The Lizard looks over at the Monkey and says "Hey man, where can I get a drink of water?"
The monkey looks over at him and points and says “if you keep straight that way, you’ll eventually come to a river, just jump tree to tree.”
So the Lizards proceed to jump tree to tree to tree, till he is one tree away from being at the river. Well, the Lizard lost his balance and falls down into the water.
While this is happening, a crocodile see’s the Lizard fall into the river and sets out to rescue him.
The croc grabs the lizard from the water and says “what the hell man, you almost drowned, what is wrong with you?”
The lizard looks at the croc and says “Man I am high as a giraffes pussy, I been smoking that good reefer.”
The croc says “Oh yeah, where can I get some of this?”
The lizard points and says if you keep straight all the way through the trees you will come upon a hut in the top of a tree with a monkey smoking.
So the croc decides he’s going to start walking towards the hut.
When he comes up to it, He can see the smoke coming out of the hut and yells “Hey! Are you still smoking that good reefer?”
The monkey gets up and looks s over to yell down “GOD DAMN! How much water did you drink?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4zqyx/so_there_is_a_lizard_in_the_jungle/
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Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan Walk Into a Bar

They have a few drinks and then die from methanol poisoning due to a lack of government regulation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4zoor/ayn_rand_rand_paul_and_paul_ryan_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What is EA's preferred porn?

Trans midget porn
^(micro-trans-action)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4zmqy/what_is_eas_preferred_porn/
%
"So what do you do for a living ?" - " I own a mining business."

"What do you mine ?"
"I mine my own f*cking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4zjm7/so_what_do_you_do_for_a_living_i_own_a_mining/
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A man wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap is taken to a psychologist for an evaluation

He walks into the office and the first thing the psychologist says is, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4zjea/a_man_wrapped_in_nothing_but_saran_wrap_is_taken/
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I bought a Dog Once. Named him "Stay".

I Bought a Dog once. Named him "stay".
"Come here, Stay."
He's Insane now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4zfjr/i_bought_a_dog_once_named_him_stay/
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I really don't trust staircases

They're always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4zdkk/i_really_dont_trust_staircases/
%
My friend is addicted to S&M, bestiality and necrophilia.

I’ve tried to help him but it’s like flogging a dead horse...
Really old joke but I’ve never seen it on here, so...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4zd2r/my_friend_is_addicted_to_sm_bestiality_and/
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In a restaurant this dog started humping my leg.

Completely ruined the taste of my chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4z9ew/in_a_restaurant_this_dog_started_humping_my_leg/
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My friend got really into fishing lately

You could say that he got hooked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4z8vj/my_friend_got_really_into_fishing_lately/
%
Why is Santa always so jolly?

Because he knows where the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4z4yy/why_is_santa_always_so_jolly/
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I’m a scientists currently studying bestiality between humans and dogs.

You can find me in my lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4z4f4/im_a_scientists_currently_studying_bestiality/
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I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night

Took me a while to figure out it was just a Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4yvyf/i_dreamed_about_drowning_in_an_ocean_made_out_of/
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The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.

It would have been 578 million views, but...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ysrr/the_avengers_endgame_trailer_had_289_million/
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Women are like blackjack...

I’m trying for 21, but I keep hitting on 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4yqpt/women_are_like_blackjack/
%
Why didn't Spider-Man design a costume with pockets for his wallet?

Because his Spidey Cents was always tingling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ylfy/why_didnt_spiderman_design_a_costume_with_pockets/
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What do you call a guy with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4yk6q/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
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A Man Had Three Beautiful Girlfriends But Didn't Know Which One to Marry...

As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.
The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."
The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4yk1j/a_man_had_three_beautiful_girlfriends_but_didnt/
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It Snowed last so I made a Snow man

8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4yj4m/it_snowed_last_so_i_made_a_snow_man/
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I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels

Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4yf7o/i_once_fell_in_love_with_a_girl_that_only_knew_4/
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What did Watson ask Sherlock when he came out of the toilet without doing his business?

No shit, Sherlock?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4yery/what_did_watson_ask_sherlock_when_he_came_out_of/
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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender goes: "Oh shit, horse! A horse!" He calls 911.
The patrons start freaking out: screaming, scrambling to escape. Drinks fall off tables. Glasses shatter.
The *horse* starts freaking out: knocking over tables, rearing, neighing, kicking like crazy.
One patron takes a hoof to the face. He blacks out.
He wakes up in the hospital. Groggy from painkillers, he realizes his face is covered in bandages. The doctor informs him that it's been ruined beyond repair; he'll need a full face transplant.
Weeks on a waiting list turn into months, but in time, he can finally get the transplant. The surgery is successful, but he has years of healing ahead of him.
Years pass, and he makes a full recovery. He starts resuming life: returning to work, getting back out doors, socializing.
One day, he's walking around town and happens to come across that same bar where that awful accident happened years ago, nearly killing him, derailing his life. The damage from the horse had been fixed years ago, but he can see through the window that the same bartender still works there.
He walks into the bar.
The bartender asks: "Why the wrong face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ya1h/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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What is the CIA’s favorite band?

Dead Kennedys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4y9m7/what_is_the_cias_favorite_band/
%
Aliens came to our solar system.

They gave it a “one star” review :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4y9j0/aliens_came_to_our_solar_system/
%
Why were the Indians here first?

They had reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4y8j7/why_were_the_indians_here_first/
%
Two monkeys are in a bath...

...the first one goes, “ooh ooh ooh ah ah” and the other one says, “well turn the cold tap on then.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4y8hn/two_monkeys_are_in_a_bath/
%
Whats a line of Barbies called?

A barbiequeue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4y7kd/whats_a_line_of_barbies_called/
%
A guy walks into a salon for a shave.

The barber hands him a rubber ball to hold between his jaws while he smoothly shaves around his jawline.
Guy: thats a neat idea! but what if I accidentally swallow this ball?
Barber without raising an eyebrow: "Just bring it back tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4y4mp/a_guy_walks_into_a_salon_for_a_shave/
%
XM Radio is looking for feedback on Reddit about how to improve customer service

They're taking Sirius replies only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4y293/xm_radio_is_looking_for_feedback_on_reddit_about/
%
A midget at a bus stop got mad at me when I offered I'm a ride...

I closed my backpack and I went my way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4y0g4/a_midget_at_a_bus_stop_got_mad_at_me_when_i/
%
I gave my wife one of those "get better soon" cards...

She isn't sick but I just think she can get better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4y0di/i_gave_my_wife_one_of_those_get_better_soon_cards/
%
Three guys go to a ski lodge

And there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4xxe7/three_guys_go_to_a_ski_lodge/
%
I like my women how i like my wine

12 years old and locked in the basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4xx8r/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_wine/
%
Where do Russian farmers get their milk from?

Moscow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4xvvo/where_do_russian_farmers_get_their_milk_from/
%
Clickbait articles are a thing of the past

Except for this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4xvof/clickbait_articles_are_a_thing_of_the_past/
%
What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

IT'S F**KING R/AWW!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4xt2l/whats_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
%
I asked my girlfriend if we could smash

Turns out she sucks at Nintendo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4xqgd/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_we_could_smash/
%
What sound does a wasp make when it hits your windshield?

A bee flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4xp2n/what_sound_does_a_wasp_make_when_it_hits_your/
%
If I had a quarter for everytime I didn't know what was happening

I'd be asking "why am I getting all these quarters?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4xl7v/if_i_had_a_quarter_for_everytime_i_didnt_know/
%
A blonde rear-ended a sports car...

A blonde was driving and accidentally rear-ended a sports car. It wasn't much damage but it was enough to give the sports car a dent and scratched paint.
A large man got out of the sports car and was red with rage. He yelled at the blonde to get out of her car. She did, and the man drew a circle on the ground nearby.
"Stand inside this circle and don't take a step outside of it."
The blonde stood in the circle as instructed. The man turned back to the blonde's car and picked up a rock and smashed her mirror off the side.
He looked back at the blonde and saw her smiling. This made him even more angry and he used the rock to break all her windows.
He looked back at the blonde and she was now giggling.
The man lost his temper and got a gasoline can and poured it all over the blonde's car, and then ignited the gasoline making her car erupt in flames.
By now the blonde is laughing hard.
The man yells at her, "I just destroyed your car! Why are you laughing?!"
The blonde replies, "Every time you turned around I stepped outside the circle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4xja7/a_blonde_rearended_a_sports_car/
%
My girlfriend (26) is always telling me (27) to stop impersonating a flamingo.

Had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4xch1/my_girlfriend_26_is_always_telling_me_27_to_stop/
%
A terrible knock knock joke

Knock knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
Haha you eat your poo!
(Source: me in 3rd grade)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4xbmh/a_terrible_knock_knock_joke/
%
An Australian ventriloquist visits NZ

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
from the Elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4x95d/an_australian_ventriloquist_visits_nz/
%
My wife apologised for the first time ever today.

She said she's sorry she ever married me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4x7n5/my_wife_apologised_for_the_first_time_ever_today/
%
Yesterday I broke an old woman’s kneecaps during CPR.

In First Aid class they told us to press between the nipples.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4x5sy/yesterday_i_broke_an_old_womans_kneecaps_during/
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A girl asks her mother "Mom, why are you so bad at making jokes?"

The mother replies "I made you, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4x1wj/a_girl_asks_her_mother_mom_why_are_you_so_bad_at/
%
My wife was putting her makeup on...

I commented that she had drawn her eyebrows a little high.
She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4x050/my_wife_was_putting_her_makeup_on/
%
A woman walks into IBM and asks to see their best computer

“Here’s the Watson”, says the salesman, “You can ask it any question and it will give you the right answer.
The woman decides to test it out.
“Where’s my father?” She asks Watson
“You’re father is fishing in the coast of Florida” comes the reply.
The woman laughs and tells the salesman, “You probably should get your facts right. My father died 10 years ago.”
Puzzled, the salesman tells her, “Why don’t you rephrase your question”.
“Where’s the man that married my mother?” She asks.
“He died 10 years ago” replies Watson “But your father is still fishing in the coast of Florida”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4wyyi/a_woman_walks_into_ibm_and_asks_to_see_their_best/
%
The dead cow lecture

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor".
"The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4wyuv/the_dead_cow_lecture/
%
Why didn't the cow laugh at my joke?

He wasn't very amoosed because it was udderly lacking in humor, he had herd it before, it wasn't very mooving, it was cheesy and I milked the punchline a bit too much. Definitely wasn't moosic to his ears.
He still gave me a pat on the back though, which put me in a better moood.
I was at a joke competition too, so the steaks were high, yet I still managed to butcher the joke. I knew I should have stuck to that cowculus competition instead, except everything goes in one ear and out the udder in my math classes.
Ok you should stop reading here, it's probably pasture bedtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4wura/why_didnt_the_cow_laugh_at_my_joke/
%
A boy is playing hopscotch outside the Vatican

When suddenly a middle aged man runs out shouting "Hallelujah it's a miracle!" As he runs around the courtyard.
Curious, the young boy yells out "HEY! Mister, why all the yelling?"
The man runs over and grabbing the boy by the shoulders says "You will never believe it! I just saw the Pope put holy water on a Woman and she passed a baby!"
The boy rolls his eyes and very mater of factly states "Aww that's nothin! I put turpentine on a dogs butt and he passed a motorcycle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4wsvm/a_boy_is_playing_hopscotch_outside_the_vatican/
%
How does a black and white horse spell zoo?

With a Z Bruh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ws80/how_does_a_black_and_white_horse_spell_zoo/
%
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number...

I told her we use names here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4wrg5/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_for_my_number/
%
Did you hear Charlize Theron has been cast in the next Ant-Man movie?

It's going to be called "Subatomic Blonde."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4woow/did_you_hear_charlize_theron_has_been_cast_in_the/
%
An attractive snow-woman notices a snowman gawking at her. She says,

“Listen pal, my ice are up here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4wm1v/an_attractive_snowwoman_notices_a_snowman_gawking/
%
So I got fired from a calendar factory today..

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4wloj/so_i_got_fired_from_a_calendar_factory_today/
%
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It's all about raisin awareness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4wl0u/ive_started_telling_everyone_about_the_benefits/
%
A man walks into his Doctor's appointment and complains of a stomach ache.

"Is it bad? How long have you had it?" asks the doctor.
"It hurts a lot, and I've had it about a week now. I've tried my usual remedies, but nothing has worked."
"Alright," the doctor replies, "We'll run some tests then and I'll call you in a few days to come back once the results are ready."
They run the tests and wrap up the appointment, the man leaves, and a few days go by. He receives the call that the test results came back, and he heads back into the doctor's office that afternoon to talk about them.
When he arrives, his doctor greets him, and immediately advises him, "Look... you're gonna want to sit down. It's bad. Things are not gonna be easy from here on out."
The man asks, "What, do I have intestinal cancer or something?"
The doctor's jaw drops. "How did you know?!" He was completely astonished.
"Eh, I just had a gut feeling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4wfz4/a_man_walks_into_his_doctors_appointment_and/
%
Before you say Tesla backwards

Make sure everything is alset.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4wei6/before_you_say_tesla_backwards/
%
The FBI had an open position for an assassin

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4wc36/the_fbi_had_an_open_position_for_an_assassin/
%
A man was eating a bright, red apple.

It was on a warm, sunny day that the most peculiar of things occurred. A man, was happily snacking on a bright, red apple when, too lazy to walk to a trash can, he threw it out the window. A seemingly non-problematic apple would have been ignored under any other circumstances, but the man lived on the 50th story of a building and so as the apple fell, it became all but lethal. Luckily, the apple softened its fall by hitting the head of a pedestrian who in turn fell into the street. A nearby car swerved in a panic, hitting a pole.
Emergency services was quickly called to respond to the scene and an ambulance was sent. A nearby bird spotted the remains of the apple, and it swooped in just as the ambulance arrived getting hit by the windshield of the vehicle. The driver, vision obscured by the bird, drove blindly down the road going over a railing. The resulting impact with the ground knocked a tire from the vehicle up into the air and onto a nearby slope.
The tire picked up velocity and started going down a sloped road.
Police, on response to a criminal threat, attempted to fire at a criminal just as the tire hit, sending the bullet wildly off-course hitting the pilot of a plane just taking off.
The man who started all this, oblivious as he was then, had arrived at a medical check-up that he was due for later that day. Just as he was about to meet his doctor, the plane crashed into the doctor, killing him instantly.
The moral of the story?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4wbvf/a_man_was_eating_a_bright_red_apple/
%
I rode the elevator to the top floor.

As I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.”
“Don’t call me that,” I replied, “you’re not my father.”
“No,” he said, “but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4wbj6/i_rode_the_elevator_to_the_top_floor/
%
Jack and Mary work in a corporate office building together.

Their boss has a dilemma, both are hard, diligent workers but the company's not doing so well, and cannot afford to keep both. He decides he's going to watch them both from his office one day, and whoever works the hardest will keep their job.
On Friday, he watches them all through the day. Finally, he sees Mary stop her work to go to the break room to fetch a Tylenol. He meets here there and explains to her the situation.
"Mary, I'm sorry about this. I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
Mary looks back at him and replies, "well, can you just jack off? I have a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4w709/jack_and_mary_work_in_a_corporate_office_building/
%
I'm so crap at gaming...

when I play GTA, I get arrested for jaywalking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4w65z/im_so_crap_at_gaming/
%
I have six eyes, 2 mouths and three ears, What am I?

Ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4w4jg/i_have_six_eyes_2_mouths_and_three_ears_what_am_i/
%
What kind of noise does a street sweepers engine make

Broom broom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4w2fw/what_kind_of_noise_does_a_street_sweepers_engine/
%
We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4w2b2/we_have_a_friend_who_likes_to_have_sex_with/
%
What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4w1od/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
%
I got a part in a movie called Cocaine.

I only have the one line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4w1ch/i_got_a_part_in_a_movie_called_cocaine/
%
Three christian missionaries stumble upon a cannibal tribe in a tropical jungle

They are immediately captured, and taken back to the village.
The first missionary is brought in front of the chief, who amazingly speaks good English.
He tells the first missionary, "head out into the jungle, find a single fruit, and bring ten of its kind back. Don't think of running away or we will kill your friends"
So, missionary number one heads out, finds ten apples, and then heads back to the village. The chief then tells him *"if you manage to shove all ten apples up your ass, without making any facial expressions, we will let you go. If you fail, you die and we will eat you"*
Missionary number one gets one apple up, and on the second apple cries out in pain. The tribe immediately kill him.
Enter missionary number two. Same story; find ten fruit of the same kind, and bring it back.
He leaves, and comes back with tiny little black berries. The chief tells him the same thing : *"up your ass, no expression, and you live, otherwise you die"*
Missionary number two gets 1,2,3,4,5,6 berries up there. On the 7th berry, he bursts out laughing, and they kill him.
The two missionaries meet in heaven. The first missionary asks the second, "why did you laugh? you were doing so well and surely you would have lived"
Missionary two, with a huge grin on his face tells the other one, "I just couldn't help it. I saw the next guy bringing back pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vyz4/three_christian_missionaries_stumble_upon_a/
%
A guy goes to a Whore House.

Asks for the fattest, ugliest whore they have.
Madam asks if he's feeling kinky and fettish tonight.
No he replied, Home sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vylq/a_guy_goes_to_a_whore_house/
%
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fshhhh
(This works a lot better if you say it out loud)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vwyi/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
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3 guys at the gate of hevean

So 3 guys died and now are standing next to the enterence gate of hevean. St.Peter says “we are running out of space, so we only allow in people with the best deaths. You will have to tell me how you died.
So the first guy is like “well i was suspecting my wife of cheating for a long time, so one day i went home from my work early. So i went home and started looking for the guy. I live on the 25th floor. So i searched everywhere but couldn’t find the guy. When i went on the ballcony i saw a guy hanging on the ledge. So i started to hit on his arms. He was still holding on, so i took a hammer and started to bang his hands with it. He fell. And SOMEHOW he fell 25 floors and survived. I got even mader and trew a fridgw on him. But from all the anger i got a cardial arest and died.
St. Peter sayd okay and asked the second guy how he died.
So the second guy was like so i was living on the 26th floor and one day i was watering my plants on the ballcony and fell. For my luck i managed to grab the 25th floor ballcony. But then some psyho started to hit my hands and i fell. 25 FLOORS but survived. And the a frige fell on me.
So then the St. Peter asked the third guy - how he died.
And the third guy was like “ imagine this situation - i was hiding NAKED in the fridge and the suddenly...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vwqa/3_guys_at_the_gate_of_hevean/
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TIL that koalas are not bears.

They don't meet the koalafications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vut3/til_that_koalas_are_not_bears/
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When I first saw an universal remote control...

I thought to myself: "Well... This changes everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vsh6/when_i_first_saw_an_universal_remote_control/
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Project Manager:

A person who thinks 9 women can deliver a baby in 1 month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vqbq/project_manager/
%
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes

Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...
But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vob0/ikea_has_been_accused_of_evading_over_500_million/
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Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vo7r/virginity_in_school/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vk4o/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
I slept like a baby last night

I woke up every 2 hours and cried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vjr3/i_slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
%
What does the receptionist of a sperm bank say to a donor before he leaves the bank?

"Thanks for **coming**."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4viv9/what_does_the_receptionist_of_a_sperm_bank_say_to/
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There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says “no,” his cock will shrink five inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog says, “No.” And his prick shrinks five inches.
The guy thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.”
The guy’s dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks it is still just a little bit too big. He thinks that 10 inches would be just great.
He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”. Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vhxv/there_is_this_guy_who_has_a_25inch_dick/
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Family party

Went to a family party over the weekend, there was good food, plenty of alcohol and lots of dancing.
When they played the twist, I twisted. When they played shout, I shouted.
When they played Come on Eileen, well that's when the fight broke out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vhnl/family_party/
%
How'd you sleep last night?

Like god during the holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vhmf/howd_you_sleep_last_night/
%
For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*
Student: No it won't dissolve sir.
Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?
Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vh60/for_an_experiment_a_chemistry_teacher_takes_out_a/
%
A farmer goes to the local farmer's market to try and sell his bull. A stranger comes up to him to inquire about the animal.

Stranger: Is your bull good at breeding?
Farmer: Of course he's good. Shit, he's even too good! He tries to mount every single cow, horses, donkeys, sheeps, etc. There's not an animal on that farm he hasn't tried to fuck yet.
Stranger: Then why are you selling him?
Farmer: Because for the last few days he's been looking at my wife kind of funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vf9a/a_farmer_goes_to_the_local_farmers_market_to_try/
%
You know what’s odd?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vf3y/you_know_whats_odd/
%
An atom walks into a bar

He said I think I lost an electron on the way in.
The bartender asked if he's sure.
He said Ion positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4vdhm/an_atom_walks_into_a_bar/
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Excuse me, does this restaurant serve crabs?

Sit right down sir. We serve everybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4v7v2/excuse_me_does_this_restaurant_serve_crabs/
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A beech and a birch have grown next to each other for decades...

One day a seedling pops up between them. Each knows it can't be theirs and assumes it must belong to the other. Given the costs of seedling support these days, it's something of a wedge in their relationship and they have a falling out. After a number of years, they decide ask Mr. Woodpecker (a recognized authority) to do some tests so they can settle the dispute. Mr. Woodpecker agrees to do the test at no cost, as he's been fed & sheltered by this pair all his life.
Mr. Woodpecker flies down and starts hammering away at the tree. After some time, he flies back up, and the perplexed pair of trees ask "well, that certainly took you long enough! Who owes the bill for seedling support?"
Mr. Woodpecker says "it's not a son of a birch, and it's not a son of a beech. That's the best piece of ash I ever had my pecker in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4v7cy/a_beech_and_a_birch_have_grown_next_to_each_other/
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So I bought some shoes from a drug dealer Saturday morning..

Man I dont know what he laced em with but I was trippin' all weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4v4hz/so_i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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A group of chess fanatics were standing in a hotel lobby discussing their recent victories.

The manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ‘But why?’ they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “If there's one thing I can't stand, it's Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4uyee/a_group_of_chess_fanatics_were_standing_in_a/
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Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means...

Y'all basic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4uy86/humans_exist_in_a_tight_range_of_735745_ph_which/
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What happened to the guy who kept chasing cars?

He got exhausted
Part 2: What happened when cars started chasing him?
He got Tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4uxo1/what_happened_to_the_guy_who_kept_chasing_cars/
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A man driving all night needed some rest..

A man driving all night needed some rest and decided to pull over on the side of the road to get some shut eye.  Not long after he goes to sleep there is a loud banging at the window.  The man jumps up and rolls down his window, outside is a jogger running in place in front of his window.
"Excuse me sir, I was wondering if you could tell me what time it was?" asks the jogger
The driver sleepily looks down at his watch, "Yeah, its 5:00"
"Hey thanks!" says the jogger and runs off.
The man goes back to sleep.  Before long there is another loud banging on his window. He jumps again and rolls down his window.  Another jogger is running in place in front of his window.  "Hey there guy!  Can you tell me what time it is?"
The driver irritated looks at his watch and says, "Its 5:45"
"Thanks, mister!" says the jogger and runs off.
The man irritated beyond belief makes a sign and posts it on his window that says
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!
Satisfied, the man goes back to sleep.  Out of the blue there is another loud knock at the window.  The man bewildered, rolls down his window and sees another jogger running in front of his window. The jogger looks down and says
"Hey man, it's 6:30" and runs off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ux03/a_man_driving_all_night_needed_some_rest/
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This guy in the pub started kicking up a fuss.

He said, "I heard that you were looking up my girlfriend's skirt at her knickers!"
I said, "Nope, that's incorrect."
He said, "What do you mean that's incorrect?"
I said, "She isn't wearing any knickers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4uv0o/this_guy_in_the_pub_started_kicking_up_a_fuss/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

He said: “I can’t complain”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4uv0h/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_there/
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What did the corn cob say when all of its clothes fell off?

OOHH, SHUCKS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4uuhp/what_did_the_corn_cob_say_when_all_of_its_clothes/
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The state of public toilets is scientific evidence that doing something 10 000 times doesn't make you good at it.

It's even peer reviewed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4user/the_state_of_public_toilets_is_scientific/
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Historians are torn as to whether or not Hitler had a favorite date

Some say that he vehemently denied having one
while others say it was 9/9/99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4us84/historians_are_torn_as_to_whether_or_not_hitler/
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A woman comes back from the laundromat infuriated that the owners had racist signage on the walls.

"What do you mean 'racist'?" the husband asks.
"I couldn't believe they would be so brazen in 2018 as to put up a sign," she said.
"As I walked in, right in front of me it said in big letters: 'seperate whites and colours'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ulhg/a_woman_comes_back_from_the_laundromat_infuriated/
%
I was going to tell a communist joke...

It almost escaped my lips! So I shot its family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ujhy/i_was_going_to_tell_a_communist_joke/
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I was tickling my son's little feet, when my wife woke up and started yelling at me...

Something about, "Waiting until he's born..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ui7b/i_was_tickling_my_sons_little_feet_when_my_wife/
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There was a man who was madly in love with a girl named Wendy.

He loved her so much that he decided to get a "WENDY" tattoo on his penis. Later he noticed that when he was not hard, you could only see WY on his penis. One day the man was at the showers after his basketball practice, when he noticed his black teammate also had WY on his penis. Naturally he asked him if he is with a Wendy as well. He smiled and said no, it's for "WELCOME TO ZIMBABWE, AND HAVE A NICE DAY"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ufdy/there_was_a_man_who_was_madly_in_love_with_a_girl/
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9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda...

That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ue4a/9_out_of_10_doctors_recommend_for_children_to/
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What do you call a Swiss Pope?

A Holey Father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4uc6l/what_do_you_call_a_swiss_pope/
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My All-time Favorite Joke

One day, a businessman living in New York decides he needs a break. He is feeling a little beat-up by the stresses of city life, and he concludes that a leisurely drive in the country would do him a world of good. So, he rents a car, and he sets off on his quest to find some peace of mind.
As he drives along a beautiful country road, he sees something odd in the distance. As he gets closer, he can see that it is a farmer standing under a tree near the road holding a pig. Curious, he pulls to the side of the road. He watches intently as the farmer picks up one pig after another to let them eat an apple from the tree. This curious behavior fascinates the businessman as he watches this go on for several minutes. Finally, he can no longer contain himself. He calls out to the farmer, “Excuse me sir, but what exactly are you doing?” The farmer calmly replies, “Why, feeding the pigs, of course.” The businessman is a little surprised. He calls out to the farmer again, “But, wouldn’t it save a lot of time if you just shook the tree to cause the apples to fall to the ground so that the pigs could eat them there?” The farmer looks at the businessman, confused, and he replies, “Time? Pigs got no concept of time!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ubc2/my_alltime_favorite_joke/
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder

It also makes the hand grow fondler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ua30/absence_makes_the_heart_grow_fonder/
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What do you when you lose your favorite tree?

Staple a photo of it to a nearby dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4u93n/what_do_you_when_you_lose_your_favorite_tree/
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Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4u8y8/why_do_pirates_love_reddit/
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bad genie

a newly wed couple moved into a new neighborhood. On the next day stan lee told them to stay away from the corner House in the street.
On the other day they were playing golf in the community park . By mistake the wife smacks  the ball really hard towards that forbidden house and breaks the window. The husband got really mad and starts to yell at her. But the wife was really calm and told the husband " look whatever happened its happened already, don't be childish, lets go over there and apologise for the broken window" .
So the couple go to that corner House, since the front door was open they step inside the living room. while looking for the people to apologise, they can see a lot of broken glass all over the place and there was a man in white cloths standing there with a smile on his face.
The wife tries to say something, but the mysterious man interrupts saying " thank you , thank you very much".
the couple give a puzzled expression not knowing why is this person thanking them.
Then the mysterious man says " I'm one of the last remaining genies, but i was trapped in that bottle for almost 1000 years, but today I'm free because of your golf ball.  its my duty to give three wishes to anyone who sets me me free. Since you are couple, ill give one wish to each , and I'll keep the third wish to myself. so who wants to go first"
exited The wife immediately says " i want to own every house in this world"
with a happy face the husband says " i want to have 100 billions in my bank"
the genie snaps his fingers and says it's done. Now for the third wish " i have been in that bottle for so many years, so i wish to have sex with your wife".
the couple looks at each other, and agrees to it. so the genie takes the wife upstairs, starts to have sex with her. after few hours while  gasping for air, the genie asks the wife
" how old is your husband?"
wife : "31, why?"
genie: " i still can't believe that he believes in genies"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4u8hc/bad_genie/
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Ivysaur evolves earlier than both Wartortle and Charmeleon...

I guess that makes him an early bloomer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4u5lu/ivysaur_evolves_earlier_than_both_wartortle_and/
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3 Stranded Men

A ship is wrecked in a storm and sinks in the ocean. Only three passengers (All Guys) make it to a nearby island. They didnt know each other.  They manage to survive on the island for some months through tremendous hardship and become very good friends.
One day they find an Old Bottle in a cave. Upon opening it, a Genie appears and says
"I'm the genie that was stuck in this bottle for Hundreds of years. For releasing me I will grant each of you one wish. So wish wisely"
First Guy: I want to go back to my Wife and Children. [ He gets teleported back home. ]
Second Guy: I too want to go back to my Family and Friends. [ Gets teleported back too. ]
Third Guy: I dont have anyone back home. So I want my Friends Back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4u026/3_stranded_men/
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A man and a woman are at a bar having a few beers.

They start talking and soon realize they’re both doctors. After an hour the man says, “Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached.”
The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes into the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good ten minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex.
Afterward, the man says, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” says the woman, “how did you know?”
“I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started,” he says.
“That makes sense,” says the woman. “You’re an anesthetist, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, how did you know?” asks the man.
The woman replies, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4tzeg/a_man_and_a_woman_are_at_a_bar_having_a_few_beers/
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Don't obey public nudity laws

They're a government cover-up conspiracy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4tw21/dont_obey_public_nudity_laws/
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I bought a cake that looks like a pair of breasts.

So I can have my cake and eat tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4tu7m/i_bought_a_cake_that_looks_like_a_pair_of_breasts/
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I used to date an English teacher

But she dumped me for inappropriate use of the colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4tt9v/i_used_to_date_an_english_teacher/
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why did the blonde drove to plumber's house at midnight

because her water broke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4tssd/why_did_the_blonde_drove_to_plumbers_house_at/
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What’s the only type of food hospitals stock?

Vegetables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4trid/whats_the_only_type_of_food_hospitals_stock/
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My buddy goes to church to hit on fat chicks...

He said he really enjoys Catholic mass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4tqdz/my_buddy_goes_to_church_to_hit_on_fat_chicks/
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A vegetarian lady looked at my mutton curry and said, "You know, a sheep died so you could have that."

I looked at her salad and responded, "Maybe she died because you keep eating all her food!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4tp74/a_vegetarian_lady_looked_at_my_mutton_curry_and/
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How big of a difference is there between male and female reproductive systems?

There’s a vas deferens!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4toh2/how_big_of_a_difference_is_there_between_male_and/
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The lesbian couple next door gave me a Rolex for Christmas.

I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4tmjq/the_lesbian_couple_next_door_gave_me_a_rolex_for/
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What do you call two lesbian quantum physicists?

A double-slit experiment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ti9e/what_do_you_call_two_lesbian_quantum_physicists/
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A British man, a Fench man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.
The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.
The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.
While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?"
The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy."
The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?"
The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ti1j/a_british_man_a_fench_man_and_a_spanish_man_are/
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The Killing Joke

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum
And one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore, they decide they're going to escape. They get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town stretching away in the moonlight, stretching away to freedom.
Now, the first guy, he jumps across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daredn't make the leap. Y'see he was afraid falling.
So then, the first guy has an idea...
He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings, you can walk across the beam and join me!"
But the second guy just shakes his head.
"What do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was halfway across!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4te14/the_killing_joke/
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How do Welshmen find sheep in tall grass?

attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4tc0f/how_do_welshmen_find_sheep_in_tall_grass/
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Q: What is the world's tallest building?

A: The library because it has the most stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4t1k0/q_what_is_the_worlds_tallest_building/
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How long does a carbon monoxide intoxication last?

Longer than you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4t1fv/how_long_does_a_carbon_monoxide_intoxication_last/
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A Mexican goes into a Chinese restaurant

Looks at a bottle of soy sauce and says "yes, yes you are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4suqb/a_mexican_goes_into_a_chinese_restaurant/
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Shortest joke in the world.

Dwarf shortage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4sttb/shortest_joke_in_the_world/
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What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 lawyers into a room together?

100 people who don't do dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4sskc/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_50_lesbians_and_50/
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No wonder fortnite is so popular with kids

Who doesn't like hopping off a bus and shooting everyone in sight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4srb3/no_wonder_fortnite_is_so_popular_with_kids/
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What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4snuo/what_do_you_call_a_snowman_with_a_six_pack/
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Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.

Sorry for the terrible joke, only three stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4snk5/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
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Have you guys ever heard about the dyslexic satanist?

He accidentally sold his soul to Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4smao/have_you_guys_ever_heard_about_the_dyslexic/
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An old and gold jokes

I'm gonna be a terrorist & kill 1000 people and a monkey
Why do you wanna kill a monkey?
See ! No One Cares about the 1000 people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4sldx/an_old_and_gold_jokes/
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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4siv5/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_killer/
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An old man stands in the middle of a snowstorm...

...the man was standing there for a little under ten minutes, and the snow is up to his ankles. A dog sled passes by him.
"Need a lift?" Asks the sled driver?
"No." The old man replies. "God will save me."
"If you say so." The driver mushes on.
After hour, the snow is now up to the old man's waist. A dog sled drives by.
"Need a hand?" Asks the sled driver.
"No." The old man replies. "God will save me."
"As you wish." The driver mushes on.
After two hours, the snow is up to the old man's chin. A dog sled drives by, barely managing to notice him.
"Need a drive?" Asks the sled driver.
"No." The old man says. "God will save me."
"If you insist." The driver mushes on.
Eventually, the snow reaches the old man's forehead. With his final breath, he whispers, "God will save me." He dies, either from lack of air or the cold.
The old man goes to Heavan and finds God. "God," he begins. "I went to church every week. I prayed to you every night. I put my faith in you, and believed that you would save me. Why didn't you?"
"For fucks sake, old man!" God begins. "I sent three dog sleds!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4silb/an_old_man_stands_in_the_middle_of_a_snowstorm/
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What did the zipper say to the dick?

Wanna hang out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4sckh/what_did_the_zipper_say_to_the_dick/
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I am objectively attractive

According to Newton's law of universal gravitation, mass attracts mass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4scj2/i_am_objectively_attractive/
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Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it

But those who fail to delete their history are doomed to explain it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4sava/those_who_fail_to_learn_history_are_doomed_to/
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A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4saqr/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_beautiful_woman/
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My wife called me a paedophile

That's a big word for a 9 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4s8r4/my_wife_called_me_a_paedophile/
%
So I’m driving and I see a goat with his head stuck in a fence and I think to myself “well when an opportunity presents itself...”

So I pull over and I’m with my friend and I get behind the goat and start giving it to him and I look at my friend and ask if he wants to get in on this.
He says “hell yeah!”
Then sticks his head into the fence.
My dad said this joke and thought it was hilarious had to share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4s7n5/so_im_driving_and_i_see_a_goat_with_his_head/
%
I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree.

My car was totaled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4s59n/i_was_chasing_a_squirrel_in_my_back_yard_the/
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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4s1vu/a_straight_tree_and_a_gay_tree_lived_next_to_each/
%
Me and my wife were both happy for 20 years...

Then we met each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4rzs4/me_and_my_wife_were_both_happy_for_20_years/
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Why was the Buzz Feed employee found dead in the washroom?

Because number two shocked him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4rvm6/why_was_the_buzz_feed_employee_found_dead_in_the/
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How is bud light like having sex in a canoe?

It’s fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ru2e/how_is_bud_light_like_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
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A family are in a museum of history and see a dinosaur skeleton

The father asks the guard standing nearby now old it is
The guard says "20 million and 43 years sir."
"That's awfully exact, how did they figure it out to such an accurate number?" The dad asks.
"Well it was 20 million years old when I was hired, and that was 43 years ago, the guard said."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4rtiz/a_family_are_in_a_museum_of_history_and_see_a/
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The best way to go back in time is to walk around a campground.

Before long your sure to be past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4roze/the_best_way_to_go_back_in_time_is_to_walk_around/
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Fun fact of the day

Fun Fact: if every human stood in a single file line around the equator, most of them would drown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ri8y/fun_fact_of_the_day/
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what do you do when an element dies?

you barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4rfec/what_do_you_do_when_an_element_dies/
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Fozzie: “Kermit, why can’t miss piggy count to one hundred?”

Kermit: I don’t know, why?
Fozzie: Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4rdr9/fozzie_kermit_why_cant_miss_piggy_count_to_one/
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I would tell you my original fencing joke...

But you'd probably just think it's a riposte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4rc4o/i_would_tell_you_my_original_fencing_joke/
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One day Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4r86r/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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My blind friend tried LSD for the first time.

There was a lot more tripping than usual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4r7ew/my_blind_friend_tried_lsd_for_the_first_time/
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I’ve never met a racist person from Boston

Or at least I’ve never heard them use a hard R

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4r65g/ive_never_met_a_racist_person_from_boston/
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Thadeus and Thelma

are an older couple, sitting at home on the veranda having drinks and she says, "I love you."
He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me............. talking to the wine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4r4hh/thadeus_and_thelma/
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Billy Bob & Jimmy Bob

drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying "Enter here for a chance at free sex!"
They wander  inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they  have to guess a number between one and ten.
Billy Bob guesses five. The attendant says, "Sorry, but the number is eight."
Jimmy Bob guesses seven and the attendant says, "Sorry, but the number was three."
As the two drive away, Jimmy Bob turns to Billy Bob and says, "You know, I think that competition was rigged."
Billy Bob--the smarter of the two--replies, "Naw, it's on the up and up. My wife won twice last week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4r3vx/billy_bob_jimmy_bob/
%
Today at the bank....

An old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4r2da/today_at_the_bank/
%
What's the difference between your mom and shrek?

The beard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4r2ce/whats_the_difference_between_your_mom_and_shrek/
%
One Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light..

..And next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4r2a9/one_christmas_morning_a_cop_on_horseback_is/
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People always act surprised when I say that I swing both ways...

I don't get what's so surprising about being good at baseball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4r1lw/people_always_act_surprised_when_i_say_that_i/
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I know how to defeat Thanos

We need to pull up his homophobic tweets from 2009.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qxsc/i_know_how_to_defeat_thanos/
%
What does my savings accound and my date both have in common?

The both have 0% interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qxa0/what_does_my_savings_accound_and_my_date_both/
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What do you call an ambulance with a flat tire?

A flatulence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4quu1/what_do_you_call_an_ambulance_with_a_flat_tire/
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My therapist pleaded with me, “You need to go out more! Take up a hobby! Stop doing weird things!” I replied quietly, “Well, I went to the zoo." The therapist exclaimed proudly, “That’s what I mean! Did you get anything from that?!”

I slowly opened my coat and whispered, “I got this penguin..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qsld/my_therapist_pleaded_with_me_you_need_to_go_out/
%
I love to sing in the shower

Until I get shampoo in my mouth, then it becomes a soap opera

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qrb2/i_love_to_sing_in_the_shower/
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A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on the ground in excruciating pain asks why he shot him the cop says “what was I supposed to do? you were waving a firearm!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qppv/a_man_was_filling_up_gas_in_his_car_when_he_got/
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A cowboy is out riding on his trusty old stallion when he's captured by Native Americans

After he's taken back to their camp and tied up to a the natives leave to prepare for a ritual sacrifice, he whispers to his horse to go to the nearest town to get help. Now his horse is slightly deaf but he still takes off to save his master. Moments later, the horse returns with a beautiful blonde waitress from the saloon. Angrily, the cowboy whispers again to the horse to go get help, who then takes off. Some more moments pass and the horse returns this time with a beautiful brunette singer from the diner. At this point, the cowboy is pissed and leans into the horse's ear and slowly repeats what he said earlier. The horses takes off and soon returns with a beautiful redhead rancher. Finally, the natives come out of their tent, but before the begin the ritual, the chief asks the cowboy why a bunch of women are on his horse. The cowboy looks up and says, "I told my horse to return with a posse and this is what he brought me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qobv/a_cowboy_is_out_riding_on_his_trusty_old_stallion/
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What did the male alpaca say when he was kicked out of the house for cheating on his wife?

Alpaca bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qo60/what_did_the_male_alpaca_say_when_he_was_kicked/
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Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four, it would be a sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qnnj/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_two_doors/
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A lawyer is arrested by the cops

He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present."
Cop: "You are a lawyer."
Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qmav/a_lawyer_is_arrested_by_the_cops/
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How do you find a blind guy in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qm48/how_do_you_find_a_blind_guy_in_a_nudist_colony/
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When I turned 40 years old I started delivering babies but kept making errors

I was having a midwife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qlkm/when_i_turned_40_years_old_i_started_delivering/
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A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral

A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead” the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qlgv/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
%
My piano exploded

I shouldn't have played with C4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qlb6/my_piano_exploded/
%
My girlfriend just yelled at me to "seperate the whites from the colors!"

Yeah, racist as hell. If that's the way she's going to act, she can go to the laundromat alone next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qf5b/my_girlfriend_just_yelled_at_me_to_seperate_the/
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Unlike you guys, I’m loyal

I would never cheat on my girlfriends!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qe23/unlike_you_guys_im_loyal/
%
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector ...

‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4qaea/i_had_to_turn_off_my_carbon_monoxide_detector/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but imaginary...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4q9mu/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb

That’s funny! Feminists can’t change anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4q6v8/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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To avoid being raped when I went to jail, I stuck a tube of toothpaste up my ass...

...for complete cavity protection...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4q2pb/to_avoid_being_raped_when_i_went_to_jail_i_stuck/
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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

Because men just want a little bit of peace before dying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4q2h2/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
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My wife was always self-conscious about her amputated arm, so I tried to think of ways to incorporate it in a low-key manner during our intimate moments.

Suffice it to say that for a while I was stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4q2er/my_wife_was_always_selfconscious_about_her/
%
The chairman of the FCC is starting a new business.

It's going to be called PaiPal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4pzfo/the_chairman_of_the_fcc_is_starting_a_new_business/
%
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said
"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4pz8q/i_told_my_teenage_niece_to_go_get_me_a_phone_book/
%
Two blondes walk into a bar and take a seat.

They are immediately arrested for theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4pyzb/two_blondes_walk_into_a_bar_and_take_a_seat/
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A Husband Whispers in his Wife's Ear at the Bar

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!"
OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Marvin, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4pyiv/a_husband_whispers_in_his_wifes_ear_at_the_bar/
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I don’t curse...

I swear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ptbj/i_dont_curse/
%
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, and dogs are man's best friend...

...then David Bowie is everyone's best friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ptah/if_diamonds_are_a_girls_best_friend_and_dogs_are/
%
I live for two reasons:

1. I was born.
2. I haven’t died yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4pq0p/i_live_for_two_reasons/
%
Boobs are like Xbox...

They're made for kids, but the adults like to play with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4pprc/boobs_are_like_xbox/
%
A trans friend of mine was recently able to adopt a kid.

Haven’t really seen him around lately, though, now that he’s a trans parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4pnge/a_trans_friend_of_mine_was_recently_able_to_adopt/
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What do you put in a bucket to make it lighter?

A torch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4pm2p/what_do_you_put_in_a_bucket_to_make_it_lighter/
%
One day, the monks at a monastery decided they need to raise money.

Friar Tuck decided to start a florist's shop. It was a success! All the villagers nearby loved to buy flowers from the men of God. All except one, that is. The local florist. He was getting run out of business by the monks. He went to the Friar and asked him to close their shop, but they refused.
A week later, he went back again, and begged the Friar to close down the shop - he was going bankrupt, and his family was hungry! Again, they refused.
Another week still, the florists's mother went to the monastery and nagged them to close down to save her poor old son. And yet again, they refused.
The local florist was fed up with the monks, and spent the last of his money to hire Hugh McTagart, the roughest thug in town, and well known for doing anything for money.
Hugh went to Friar Tuck, and told him that if he didn't close their florist shop, he'd have to 'persuade' them. Initially, Tuck refused-- but when McTagart began to smash up the shop and threaten the pacifist monks, he caved in and closed the shop.
Just goes to show you; only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4pkod/one_day_the_monks_at_a_monastery_decided_they/
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Any joke can be funny with the right delivery...

Except abortion jokes...
Because there is no delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4pjs8/any_joke_can_be_funny_with_the_right_delivery/
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"You would never cheat on me," my wife said.

"Let me guess," I replied. "Because that would require two people to find me attractive?"
She said, "No, only one..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4pfmq/you_would_never_cheat_on_me_my_wife_said/
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Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger...

...but she does have several shovels, picks and panning sluices strapped to her burro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4pcwn/now_i_aint_saying_shes_a_gold_digger/
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A doctor’s burial...

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate burial.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service .
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At this point, one of the mourners burst into laughter .
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking
of my own funeral - ----- I'm a gynecologist . "
That's when the Proctologist fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4pbmb/a_doctors_burial/
%
My Hooters waitress was pregnant so I called the manager and said

"Can we get another waitress please? This one has an heir in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4p82b/my_hooters_waitress_was_pregnant_so_i_called_the/
%
The Avengers: Endgame trailer has 14 million views from just one person

Dr. Strange

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4p7jy/the_avengers_endgame_trailer_has_14_million_views/
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Why don't I like cocaine?

I have to draw the line somewhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4p7c9/why_dont_i_like_cocaine/
%
So there was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4p4o9/so_there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_trains/
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Helium excimers are no laughing matter...

Even if their formula is HeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4oxne/helium_excimers_are_no_laughing_matter/
%
Love is like fart.

If you apply too much force , it probably becomes shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4oxfh/love_is_like_fart/
%
You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons.

Isn’t that Ionic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4om66/youd_think_that_atoms_bonding_would_mean_theyre/
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What are those little pimples on a female areola around her nipples?

It's Braille for "Suck here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ok8w/what_are_those_little_pimples_on_a_female_areola/
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As Colombian authorities chased down drug kingpin Pablo Escobar, his last words before they shot him were:

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4oih9/as_colombian_authorities_chased_down_drug_kingpin/
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2 blondes walk into a bar

The brunette ducks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4oc6e/2_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
%
There are 2 friends and went to their 3rd mutual friend to pay him a visit at his place. He offered them what they want to drink and all of them start drinking some white wine with some antipasto. After a while the host and his wife realized that the 2 friends drank more than 5 liters of the wine,

and thought if they keep going like that they are going to drink all their wine, so they decided to give them white vinaigrette instead. They gave them a bottle, both friends are trying the 'new wine' and the one says nothing, the other one spit the vinaigrette and says to the other: bro don't you see that he gave us vinaigrette because he is scared that we are going to drink his all wine, m\*\*\*\*\*\*r. The other replies: do you think i'm stupid and didn't realize is vinaigrette, i do know, but how much vinaigrette they can have in their house, 1 bottle, 2 bottle max, so shut the fuck up and drink, once we finish it, he is going to give us the wine again !
Sorry for my english, it's not my native language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4o9pb/there_are_2_friends_and_went_to_their_3rd_mutual/
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Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4o9m2/two_morons_stand_on_a_cliff_with_their_arms/
%
Blind guy walks into a bar.

First thing he does is pick up his dog by its leash and start swinging it above his head like a lasso.
The bartender says "hey! What are you doing?!?"
Blind guy says "just having a look around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4nxfs/blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How does a hacker vampire kill its victims?

With a kill-o-byte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4nwl9/how_does_a_hacker_vampire_kill_its_victims/
%
Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say “nut juice” with a straight face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4nwef/why_is_almond_milk_called_almond_milk/
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The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.

I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4nuek/the_doctor_told_me_i_shouldnt_eat_alphabet_soup/
%
When I was younger I went to church to see the Resurrection.

All I ended up seeing was the Revs. Erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ntfy/when_i_was_younger_i_went_to_church_to_see_the/
%
Two men went camping.

They head out of town to a remote place in the woods.
While setting up the tent one of the men gets bitten by a rattlesnake on his dick.
The man was in pain and couldn’t move.
“I’ll run to town and ask the doctor what I need to do” said the second man.
The second man ran all the way to town and explained to the doctor what had happened.
The doctor told the man, “You’ll need to suck the venom out.”
The man thanked the doctor and left.
The man ran all the way back to the campsite, when he got back his friend asked what the doctor had said.
“The doctor said you’re going to die.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4np2u/two_men_went_camping/
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What happens when a Jewish girl lies about her one night stand?

Christianity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4nn1i/what_happens_when_a_jewish_girl_lies_about_her/
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You get in a fight with a guy and he says to you, "Nobody screws with me, punk!". How do you reply?

"Well, one day you'll find the right girl, and all that will change."
\-credit to Police Academy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4nl5o/you_get_in_a_fight_with_a_guy_and_he_says_to_you/
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Some people get off their high horse...

...I get my horse off when I'm high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4nhaf/some_people_get_off_their_high_horse/
%
Going to Heaven

A man comes home to find his daughter crying at the front door. She sobs,  “I think kitty is dead, she’s on her back and not moving”. Sure enough the girls kitten is on the ground paws in the air. Trying to come up with a reasonable story, the man tells his daughter that Kitty is reaching up as God has called her to heaven to be with him. The girls is placated by this explanation and stops crying and smiles.
A few days later the man comes home again to his daughter crying. “Whats wrong?!” he asks.
“Mommy almost died today. I went into her bedroom and there she was laying on her back hands and feet in the air screaming ‘Jesus, I’m coming, I’m coming’  and if wasn’t for the mailman holding her down, we would have lost her!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ngr1/going_to_heaven/
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What's the hardest part about buying a new boomerang?

Trowing away the old one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4nezy/whats_the_hardest_part_about_buying_a_new/
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There were three guys in hell

There were three guys in Hell - Iranian, American, and a Chinese man. They asked Satan to let them call their family. The American called and talked for 10 minutes. He payed $1,000. The Chinaman called and talked for 15 minutes. He payed $2,000. The Iranian talked for an hour and only paid $10. The other men complained and Satan responded, "A call from Hell to Hell is local."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4nes2/there_were_three_guys_in_hell/
%
Don't click this, I accidentally wrote something offensive

something offensive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ncef/dont_click_this_i_accidentally_wrote_something/
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Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?

When you throw it it doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how it wishes it could.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4n8yu/have_you_heard_about_the_irish_boomerang/
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I was at a store with signs up that said "Tits for $5", "Swallows for $10"

I asked the girl at the front desk how much anal cost, but her answer didn't make a lot of sense. She said "please, sir this is an aviary".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4n5s7/i_was_at_a_store_with_signs_up_that_said_tits_for/
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What do you call an anti social vegan?

A person who avoids meets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4n322/what_do_you_call_an_anti_social_vegan/
%
Why do Marxists only drink herbal teas?

Because proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4n0ml/why_do_marxists_only_drink_herbal_teas/
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I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus

Thats how i lost my job as bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4n05n/i_gave_up_my_seat_to_a_blind_person_on_the_bus/
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As a lawyer i work on a huge pile of cases every day

I can't afford a real desk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4mtfs/as_a_lawyer_i_work_on_a_huge_pile_of_cases_every/
%
New study shows bodies found from the Bermuda Triangle all died from heat exhaustion...

...everyone knows its 180 degrees inside a triangle, I don't know why people even bother traveling through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4msq4/new_study_shows_bodies_found_from_the_bermuda/
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For anyone who doesn’t know how to make nuclear weapons, this is basically how...

Carefully.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4mrle/for_anyone_who_doesnt_know_how_to_make_nuclear/
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A story about cold water

I visited my papaw who lives in a cabin in the woods after he was widowed. I planned to stay for a few days.
The first day he made dinner, as I was going to make my plate, I noticed my dish was dirty.
I asked papaw "do you have any clean dishes around?"
"No, that's about as good as cold water can clean them."
Not to embarrass my papaw any further I go ahead and eat off the plate.
The next morning for breakfast I try to make some pancakes but can't find a clean pan.
"Papaw, you got any clean pans laying around?"
"No grandson, that's as clean as cold water can get them"
I go ahead and make some pancakes anyways.
After we eat, papaw whistles, and a dog I've never seen before comes in the room.
He lowers the plate down to the dogs eye level and let's him lick it clean.
I ask, curiously, "who is that?"
"Oh him? That's Cold Water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4mdb7/a_story_about_cold_water/
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Plan for Next Weekend

Friday at 4:45 an old geezer walks into the jewelry store with a hot babe on his arm. The shopkeeper was going to close but figured the guy must be loaded so he'll stay open. The old man is laying it on thick: "I want to see a ring that won't look dull compared to my angel's beautiful eyes." The girl is beaming and excited.
The rings brought out seem to satisfy the girl, but the old man says, "This looks cheap compared to such an exquisite woman. If this is the best you've got we'll go somewhere with more class." The shopkeeper tells him to wait a minute. He comes back with a ROCK. Huge perfect diamond with little stones around it that would have been large center stones on an ordinary ring. Very expensive price as you would expect. The girl is beside herself. The old man says, "This will do. I'll write you a check." The shopkeeper looks uneasy.
The geezer says, "Don't worry son. You will have to resize it, so you'll have the check and the ring. You can do the resize and Monday when the bank clears the check, I'll pick up the ring." The man agrees and the geezer leaves with the girl all over him.
Monday arrives and in the afternoon the old man returns to the store alone. The shopkeeper says, "You SOB! I called the bank this morning, they said if that check is for more than $80 it is going to bounce." The geezer says, "Oh, I know. I just came to tell you about the GREAT weekend I had."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4maoi/plan_for_next_weekend/
%
A Roman walks into a bar...

He points up two fingers and says, "Five beers please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4majl/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Joke from an old man

Typical day at my gas station, I tell some jokes, give some wives tales, and, One night, I tell my usual fib to an old man,
'Did you know, We call dollars, Bucks, because yhere used to be a buck on the one dollar bill!?'
He then chuckles and replies,
'You ever heard of the elks lodge?'
Of course I have, its a place in my state, and I humour him and say yeah, he then proceeds to say,
'Do you know why the doe went to the elks lodge?'
"No?"
'To blow a few bucks!'
(This guy is like, 70-80 years old and told me this joke. I love it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4m9e5/joke_from_an_old_man/
%
Like a lazy tailor would say...

Suit yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4m7rg/like_a_lazy_tailor_would_say/
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Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4m4xb/why_do_women_wear_panties_with_flowers_on_them/
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What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?

One is eight nights while the other ate knights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lzuq/whats_the_difference_between_hanukkah_and_dragons/
%
What do you call a constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lzcn/what_do_you_call_a_constipated_detective/
%
Why do french people prefer to eat snails?

Cause they dont like fast food!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lzab/why_do_french_people_prefer_to_eat_snails/
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Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton are all on the Titanic

As the Titanic begins sinking, Jimmy Carter yells “quick, save the women and children.”
Nixon yells back: “screw the women and children!”
Bill Clinton says: “I don’t think we have time for that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lz66/richard_nixon_jimmy_carter_and_bill_clinton_are/
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A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on a hospital bed. An young nurse came to clean his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just getting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK” The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly the man ej***ated on the nurse’s hand. The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know ‘Are my tests results back?’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ly8y/a_male_patient_just_recovered_successfully_from_a/
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What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover Vacuum

The dirtbag sits on top of the Harley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ly0j/what_is_the_difference_between_a_harley_davidson/
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How do you tell a girl ant from a boy ant ?

Put it in water. If it sinks,  it is a girl ant and if it floats it is buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lwy1/how_do_you_tell_a_girl_ant_from_a_boy_ant/
%
Menstrual cycle jokes aren't funny...

Period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lwti/menstrual_cycle_jokes_arent_funny/
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Three couples are trying to get married.

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lvdp/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married/
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NEW XMAS SONG CONTROVERSY

The media is reporting that the Xmas song, 'All I Want For Christmas is my Two Front Teeth'  as being offensive to rednecks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ltfi/new_xmas_song_controversy/
%
Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

Because A-shells are too small.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lscu/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_seashells/
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Son: Mom, Dad, I need to tell you something... I'm gay.

Mom: *Stares at Dad*
Dad: *Clenches fist and sweats profusely*
Mom: Don't even think about it!
Dad: *Vein pulses on head*
Mom: ...
Dad: ... HI GAY, I'M DAD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lqc1/son_mom_dad_i_need_to_tell_you_something_im_gay/
%
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lo36/there_was_a_church_that_had_a_bell_that_no_one/
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Hate when people ask me to talk about myself

A joke isn't funny if you have to explain it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lmm4/hate_when_people_ask_me_to_talk_about_myself/
%
A young couple has a new baby, but after a while the mother starts to think the baby doesn't resemble her or her husband . . .

She decides to get a DNA test done, and sure enough, the results come back that it is not their child.
"Honey, I don't know how to tell you this," she says to her husband. "The baby . . . she's not . . . ours."
"Yeah," says the husband.
"What do you mean, 'yeah'?" she says. "You knew?"
"Well, yeah," he says. "Don't you remember, on the day we were taking her home? You said 'Go change the baby, her diaper's wet.' So I did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lmc4/a_young_couple_has_a_new_baby_but_after_a_while/
%
[NSFW] I was making love to a loose woman at a party

And I said, "Hey, this isn't an issue, but I've seen you with a bunch of other guys tonight. Do you think you could tell me how many it's been?"
"Thirty-four," she told me, "but none of them know that."
"I figured you'd be the only one keeping track," I said.
"Why?" she asked.
"It's the thot that counts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4li02/nsfw_i_was_making_love_to_a_loose_woman_at_a_party/
%
My girlfriend asked me what rhymes with orange.

I told her it doesn’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lhg8/my_girlfriend_asked_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
My gay Twitter joke from ten years ago.

***Never mind, I just lost my job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ldma/my_gay_twitter_joke_from_ten_years_ago/
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All these abbreviatons on the internet confuse me.

Now ICYIM too old for this stuff!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lcmn/all_these_abbreviatons_on_the_internet_confuse_me/
%
A Roman walks into a bar ...

A Roman walks into a bar, says "I'd like a martinus."
The bartender asks, "you mean martini?"
"No, just one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lbst/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4lblx/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_luke_was_getting/
%
There's a basin knocking at the door!

Let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4l65o/theres_a_basin_knocking_at_the_door/
%
McDonalds will soon be offering your choice of fillet steaks...

Big McStake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4l5z6/mcdonalds_will_soon_be_offering_your_choice_of/
%
What did the monks chant during the electric boogie danceoff?

Ohm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4l3ba/what_did_the_monks_chant_during_the_electric/
%
A 50 year old billionaire walks in to a pub with his 25 year old girlfriend

His buddy asks him how i managed to get a girl half his age.
The billionaire replied: i lied about my age
His friend asked: you told her you where 40?
No said the billionaire i told her i was 90

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4l31s/a_50_year_old_billionaire_walks_in_to_a_pub_with/
%
Some of the worst case scenarios:

1. A case falling on me from an overhead compartment.
2. Someone stealing my case.
3. Realising I've picked up someone else's case by mistake.
4. Not remembering the combination to the lock on my case.
5. Being required to carry a heavy case for a very long distance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4l1lc/some_of_the_worst_case_scenarios/
%
Why doesn't Darth Vader like to eat Ewoks?

He thinks they're a little Chewie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4kyqq/why_doesnt_darth_vader_like_to_eat_ewoks/
%
A string walks into a bar

sits down and asks the bar tender for a drink, the bar tender tells him that they don't serve strings in his bar. So the string walks out goes into an alley pulls his threads apart and ties himself into a knot. The string walks back into the bar and sits down and the bar tender turns to him and says "hey aren't you that string that was just in here?" The string replies "no I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4kwf6/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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In High School, I had a Friend Named Ving

Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving. He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name.
"What kind of a name is Ving? It's so stupid," he said, frustrated.
"You know, you can get your name changed at the city hall." I said.
"Really? It's that easy?"
"Yeah, you just have to fill out some paperwork." I paused. "I can drive you if you want."
"Thanks dude. What would I even change my name to though?" He asked, looking up.
"How about something common that holds on to your roots? Something like . . . Lee?"
"Lee." He pondered. After waiting for a bit, he said "I like it."
Unfortunately, Ling, his sister, had overheard our talk and launched into a tirade about how his name had been in the family for generations and he couldn't just throw away his heritage like that. Ving was set though. The next day, we drove to the city hall. Ling insisted on coming along, hoping to convince Ving to change his mind. She complained the entire ride. Ving wasn't deterred though. We finally got to the city hall, and got the paperwork. As he was filling it out, Ving's face changed.
"What's wrong?" I asked. "You've been excited all day and yesterday for this."
"I know, I know. It's just-- It's my dad's name too. I don't know." Ving sighed. "I don't think I can go through with it."
Ling looked relieved. The receptionist noted that there was a small cancellation fee. Ling happily took out some money. Suddenly, and Asian man in Ray-Bans, neon shorts, and an American flag T-shirt burst through the doors.
"Dad!" Ving cried out, and ran to embrace his father. Ving Sr., after looking at his son, smiled, and said
"Don't stop. Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4kvtq/in_high_school_i_had_a_friend_named_ving/
%
How to fall down stairs

Step 1
Step 4
Step 11
Done!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ku6o/how_to_fall_down_stairs/
%
What do you call two intoxicated people having sex?

Rubbing alcohol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ksxs/what_do_you_call_two_intoxicated_people_having_sex/
%
My wife thinks I should talk about things that bother me and how I am feeling instead of trying to change the subject

But I just don’t think we are gonna get as much snow as they say this winter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ksj8/my_wife_thinks_i_should_talk_about_things_that/
%
Boobs are like the sun

You can only stare at them for a few seconds .
But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4krzz/boobs_are_like_the_sun/
%
It’s been raining for days now and my wife is getting depressed, the way she keeps standing at the window hoping it will clear up...

If it keeps raining like this, I am afraid I‘ll have to let her get back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ko7j/its_been_raining_for_days_now_and_my_wife_is/
%
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both ‘come’ when you’re sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4kn24/what_do_santa_claus_and_bill_cosby_have_in_common/
%
My son said all he wanted for Christmas was "cold-hard cash."

So I froze his bank account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4kmpz/my_son_said_all_he_wanted_for_christmas_was/
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Lovely Couple

An 81 year old man and his 80 year old wife are sitting together on the couch after celebrating their 60th anniversary. The mood is nostalgic.
Wife: "Do you remember what you thought the first time you saw me?"
Husband: "Yes, as clearly as if it was yesterday. I thought, 'gee I'd like to fuck her brains out'."
The wife is shocked but at the same time kind of thrilled that she'd once elicited that sort of reaction.
Wife: "What did you think next?"
Husband: "I remember that one too, it was, 'gee I'd like to suck them tits dry'."
Again both shocked and proud the wife continues.
Wife: "And what do you think now?"
The husband looks over at his beloved wife. "I think I did a fucking good job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4khi8/lovely_couple/
%
How much does a lizard weigh?

Depends on the scales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4khb8/how_much_does_a_lizard_weigh/
%
A man's hand contains 27 bones.

Loneliness causes 28

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4kf06/a_mans_hand_contains_27_bones/
%
Hitler didn't like oranges...

He hated the juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4kefh/hitler_didnt_like_oranges/
%
What did Joseph say when Mary told him she was pregnant?

JESUS CHRIST!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4kds5/what_did_joseph_say_when_mary_told_him_she_was/
%
Allah is probably the true god.

Because the universe started with an explosion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4kbsq/allah_is_probably_the_true_god/
%
"It’s a boy!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!! I was so overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears"

~Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4k26l/its_a_boy_i_cannot_believe_it_its_a_boy_i_was_so/
%
The germans really need to tighten-up on their cake security

at this time of year a heck of a lot of it is stollen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jz1v/the_germans_really_need_to_tightenup_on_their/
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What's the opposite of social media?

Social life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jxaj/whats_the_opposite_of_social_media/
%
an atom talks to another one

Atom one: I lost an electron.
Atom 2: Are u sure?
Atom one: I'm positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jx12/an_atom_talks_to_another_one/
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I posted a net neutrality joke on the internet.

It takes some time to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jtgu/i_posted_a_net_neutrality_joke_on_the_internet/
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I recently came into a large sum of money

Most of which was used to pay my court fees for when I was charged with jacking off in a bank vault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jqu5/i_recently_came_into_a_large_sum_of_money/
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A teacher asked an African student to use the word dandelion in a sentence.

The student says:
The cheetah is faster dandelion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jq7g/a_teacher_asked_an_african_student_to_use_the/
%
I've just been stopped in the street by a lady conducting a survey.

She asked me what i knew about dwarfs.......I said "very little."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jpzm/ive_just_been_stopped_in_the_street_by_a_lady/
%
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." She asked, "Oh, which doctor?"

I chuckled, "No, the regular kind."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jod8/i_said_to_my_wife_i_need_to_call_the_doctor_today/
%
I only just found out that Harry Truman was a comedian before he became President of the United States.

Apparently he was super successful in the US. But he bombed in Japan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jncu/i_only_just_found_out_that_harry_truman_was_a/
%
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,...

.. taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jmur/a_man_and_a_woman_were_having_dinner_in_a_fine/
%
A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.
"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"
"A shark bit off me leg."
"And the hook?"
"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."
The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.
"What about the eyepatch?"
"A seagull pooped in me eye."
"A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned.
"Well, 'twas me first day with the hook..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jl5i/a_pirate_with_an_eye_patch_a_peg_leg_and_a_hook/
%
My girlfriend poked a hole through the condom with a sharp needle, but I don't mind having a child

If only she'd let me take it off first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jjjm/my_girlfriend_poked_a_hole_through_the_condom/
%
Its not masturbating

It's sex in single player mode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jj33/its_not_masturbating/
%
A kid asks his dad about how politics work

His father explains: Well my son, look at it this way. It is split into five main sections: The people, the government, the economic power, the future of the country and the working class.
Son: I don't understand
Father: Think of it this way: I am the one who earns all the money, thus I am the economic power. Your mom is the one in charge at home, thus she is the government. We care a lot about your well-being, thus you are the population. We want the best possible future for your little brother as well, thus he is the future of the country. Lastly, think of your babysitter as the working class.
The son kept thinking about this. The next night he woke up at 2AM because his brother shit his pants and is now crying like hell. He tries to go wake his mother and tell her, but she is sleeping deeply. He tries to go tell his father, only to see him fucking the babysitter. Mad, he goes to sleep again.
The next day he tells his father "I have now figured out what politics is all about".
Father: All right, tell me
Son: Well you see, the population gets completely ignored, the government is asleep and totally useless, the economic powers are fucking the working class and the future of this country is absolutely piled with shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jigy/a_kid_asks_his_dad_about_how_politics_work/
%
How do you get 11 Million followers?

Run with a water bottle through Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jids/how_do_you_get_11_million_followers/
%
What's the similarity between girls and multiplication tables.

If they're under 10 you do them in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jgot/whats_the_similarity_between_girls_and/
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What do you call someone who wants the salary of men and the preferential treatment of women?

Triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4jewq/what_do_you_call_someone_who_wants_the_salary_of/
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Patient: Doctor, my body hurts in so many places

Doctor: Well, I suggest you stop going to those places

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4j9bi/patient_doctor_my_body_hurts_in_so_many_places/
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The Indian pledge starts as "All Indians are my brothers and sisters."

Funny how India and Alabama have so much in common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4j8wu/the_indian_pledge_starts_as_all_indians_are_my/
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Are you cold?

Come sit in the corner. It's 90º.
That's an acute joke.
No, it's right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4j78c/are_you_cold/
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Visiting Grandpa

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering .
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4j6u9/visiting_grandpa/
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Girls are like blackjack

I’m always going for 21 but I always end up hitting on 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4j4wy/girls_are_like_blackjack/
%
Why are communists so rude?

Because they live in a classless society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4j40s/why_are_communists_so_rude/
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"Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses?"

"No, son, have you seen my dadglasses?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4j2xc/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
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If money doesn’t grow on trees...

Then why does banks have branches?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4j2nk/if_money_doesnt_grow_on_trees/
%
Wanna hear a Jehovah’s Witness joke?

Knock knock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4izi1/wanna_hear_a_jehovahs_witness_joke/
%
How to get a mumble rapper to complete a sentence

Send him to prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4irte/how_to_get_a_mumble_rapper_to_complete_a_sentence/
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What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4iriw/what_concert_costs_45_cents/
%
Why should you take two pairs of pants to golf?

Just in case you get a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4iqpq/why_should_you_take_two_pairs_of_pants_to_golf/
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Today I turned 69.

It didn't make a difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4iqcf/today_i_turned_69/
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What’s a dirty dishes’ favorite band?

N’sync

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ipob/whats_a_dirty_dishes_favorite_band/
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A husband is coming back home after cheating on his wife.

He keeps all the lights turned off to not wake up his wife and starts walking up the stairs as quietly as possible.
While in the stairs, he feels someone else trying to walk past him.
Husband, whispering: *Hey, who is that?*
Stranger: Bro, whatever you're doing downstairs do it quick cause she said her husband is coming back soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ip50/a_husband_is_coming_back_home_after_cheating_on/
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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Edit 2:  Wow.  Reddit silver and more reddit gold.  Thanks guys.  :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ifgh/the_nurse_at_the_sperm_bank_asked_me_if_id_like/
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If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ieso/if_queen_elizabeth_accidentally_farts_during/
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What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4iehh/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_9_letters_but_never/
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What did one Amish guy say to the other?

Nice Mustang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4icox/what_did_one_amish_guy_say_to_the_other/
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A new guy in prison (longish)

A new guy in prison hears the other prisoners shout random numbers. "21!". The other prisoners laugh. "45!" says another inmate causing more laughter. The new guy asks what's with the numbers? A long time inmate says "When you've been locked up as long as we have you end up hearing every joke so we just numbered them all." New guy says "Can I try one?" "Go ahead" says the old timer. The new guy yells "34!" Silence, just blank stares from the other inmates. New guy says "Did I do it wrong?" Old timer says "Some people just can't tell a joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ich9/a_new_guy_in_prison_longish/
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I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in...

She really wanted a daughter...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4iazq/i_can_still_remember_when_my_mom_would_tuck_me_in/
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How many hipsters dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

It’s a really obscure number, you’ve probably never heard it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4iaxu/how_many_hipsters_dose_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A Woman is Crying on the Beach

A man is on his morning stroll down the beach and sees a woman sitting in her wheelchair with no arms or legs, and she was crying. "Ma'am, why are you crying?" "I've never been hugged by a man before." He gives her a hug, she smiles, and he continues on his stroll.
The next day, he is walking, and the same woman, no arms or legs, is sitting in her chair, crying. "Ma'am, why are you crying?" "I've never been kissed before." He gives her a kiss on the cheek, she smiles, and he continues on his way.
On the third day, the man is walking and sees the woman, no arms or legs, crying in her chair. "Why are you crying?" "I've never been fucked before." So he picks her up out of the chair, tosses her into the shark-infested water and says, "well, you're fucked now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4i74p/a_woman_is_crying_on_the_beach/
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How come the Ghostbusters never made it very far in Oregon Trail?

They refused to cross streams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4hz1a/how_come_the_ghostbusters_never_made_it_very_far/
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No one asks how coke is doing.

They always ask "is pepsi ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4hyl9/no_one_asks_how_coke_is_doing/
%
If you take a dump in a stump…

does it become a toiletry?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4hyet/if_you_take_a_dump_in_a_stump/
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I'm no longer a 21 year old virgin

I turned 22.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4hxel/im_no_longer_a_21_year_old_virgin/
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A blond buys a puzzle...

She tries and tries but can't seem to put it together no matter how hard she tries, so she calls her boyfriend:
Blond: I bought a puzzle today but I can't put it together no matter how hard I try.
Boyfriend: What is the puzzle of?
Blond: It's a tiger.
Boyfriend: Well how about I come over and help you put it together.
So the boyfriend gets to her house, looks at puzzle pieces on the table, looks at the box, then looks at his girlfriend and says...
I think we should put these frosted flakes back in the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4huap/a_blond_buys_a_puzzle/
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It's still not safe to Buy Romaine Lettuce

I went to Kroger to Buy some and got Robbed in the parking lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4hu4f/its_still_not_safe_to_buy_romaine_lettuce/
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I asked my dog where my frisbee was

He replied “roof”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4hqy2/i_asked_my_dog_where_my_frisbee_was/
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.

The Englishman says “Look at that fine English cow.” The Irishman disagreed, saying “No, it’s an Irish cow.”
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. “No, it’s a Scottish cow – it’s got bagpipes underneath”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4hmb4/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_were/
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Did you know chickens die after sex?

Well, at least that's been my experience so far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4hldx/did_you_know_chickens_die_after_sex/
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What's the best thing about net neutrality jokes?

Not everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4hjuk/whats_the_best_thing_about_net_neutrality_jokes/
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My 5yo told me this one tonight: “What did the person say when they went too far out into the ocean.”

Help me, I’m dying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4hhrs/my_5yo_told_me_this_one_tonight_what_did_the/
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Orion's belt is a huge waist of space.

Terrible joke. 3 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4hh3m/orions_belt_is_a_huge_waist_of_space/
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Charlie marries a virgin.

On their wedding night, he’s on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.
“Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table,” she says.
So Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, “Is this better?”
“Much better!” she replies with a smile.
“Okay, then,” he says, “now will you please pass the pussy?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4h8wb/charlie_marries_a_virgin/
%
Three pieces of string walked into a bar.

The first one goes to the barman and asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends. The barman says, 'We don't serve pieces of string here.' So. It goes back to its friends and says, 'They don't serve strings here' And it's a joke, so the middle one does it too, then the last one, but he ties himself around the middle and pulls the end of him all out. And he orders three drinks. And the barman says, 'Here, aren't you one of those pieces of string?' And he says, 'No. 'I'm a frayed knot.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4h0nk/three_pieces_of_string_walked_into_a_bar/
%
A mime got into a drunken bar fight, broke his left arm, and then got arrested.

He still has the right to remain silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4gy5n/a_mime_got_into_a_drunken_bar_fight_broke_his/
%
How do we know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head & shoulders in the glovebox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4gw5v/how_do_we_know_princess_diana_had_dandruff/
%
A guy dies and is sent to hell

Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and tells him he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing on their heads on a brick floor The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing on their heads on a wooden floor. The guy says no again and asks to see the last room. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says ok and leaves. The guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee when another demon walks in and yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4gssd/a_guy_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
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I love when people are super committed to carrying out a joke...

For instance, my parents told me I was a disappointment and kicked me out 4 years ago on April 1st. They haven’t spoken to me since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4gs1f/i_love_when_people_are_super_committed_to/
%
A Redditor is trying to make a bomb in their garage, but it wont detonate so they decide to make some changes



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4gqvd/a_redditor_is_trying_to_make_a_bomb_in_their/
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Need to get rid of some of your junk?

Pack it up in Amazon boxes and leave it on your front porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4gmga/need_to_get_rid_of_some_of_your_junk/
%
Why did it take so long to make communism?

cause they were Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4gkib/why_did_it_take_so_long_to_make_communism/
%
Irish Joke #76331

Why does an Irishman wear three condoms?
To be sure, to be sure, to be sure!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ginv/irish_joke_76331/
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If gay means happy....

Then I’m pretty straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4gi6u/if_gay_means_happy/
%
What does a warlock farmer rap about?

Witches and hoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4gfco/what_does_a_warlock_farmer_rap_about/
%
A duck walks into a bar and just fucking screams at the barkeep.Give me a fucking jack and coke you fucking stupid ugly motherfucker.

Whoa there partner, capitulates the tender of fine libations...whats with the fowl language?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4gebl/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar_and_just_fucking_screams/
%
What did Jesus say when the Jews were considering taking him down from the cross?

Keep me posted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ge5b/what_did_jesus_say_when_the_jews_were_considering/
%
Never send someone you don’t talk to much a gif of the titanic

It’s a horrible icebreaker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4gdht/never_send_someone_you_dont_talk_to_much_a_gif_of/
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I'd been refusing to go exploring underground for months,

Eventually I caved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4gaz6/id_been_refusing_to_go_exploring_underground_for/
%
What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne waits till 14 to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ga4i/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_catholic/
%
So a plane is crashing with 4 passengers one is a pilot, a priest, a high schooler with a backpack, and a blonde. One tiny problem is there’s only 3 parachutes.

First the pilot jumps out, then the blonde. The priest turns to the high schooler and told him he had a wonderful life and had no regrets, please take the last parachute. The high schooler took one and pulled out another chute, the priest says by the lord how did you get a fourth? The high schooler responded and said the blonde took my backpack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4g1pc/so_a_plane_is_crashing_with_4_passengers_one_is_a/
%
Why is the army so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4g0wu/why_is_the_army_so_strict_about_their_uniforms/
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The FBI is now investigating Net Neutrality comments

Pai Pai you piece Ajit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4g0fq/the_fbi_is_now_investigating_net_neutrality/
%
Why did the rocketscientist mistrust his wife?

He has thrust issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4fxpu/why_did_the_rocketscientist_mistrust_his_wife/
%
An old man gets a call from the IRS

The IRS agent questions the old man about large sums of money going in and out of his bank account, so they end up setting an appointment the next day to discuss in further detail. The old man agrees, and then hires a lawyer just to make sure everything going smooth at the appointment.
So the next morning the old man walks into the IRS office with his lawyer, and the agent begans to question the old man. He asks him where the money is coming from, and the old man replies “I love gambling and betting on things”. The IRS agent is a little confused and asks the old man to explain what kind of bets he is talking about.
So the old man says ok, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my own eye. The agent thinks about it for a second, and then agrees to the bet. The old man proceeds to take out his fake eye and bites it. The agent gets angry and says, ok I get the point. But the old man replies and says “how would you like to make your money back”. He says I bet you $7,000 that I can bite my other eye as well. The agent thinks to himself for a second.. I didn’t see him with a cane or any help walking in, there’s no way he has two fake eyes. So the agent agrees to the bet. The old man proceeds to take out kis teeth and bite his other eye ball. The agent is furious.
The old man says to the agent “ I have one final bet for you to make all of your money back, and some on top”. The old man points to a garbage can nearly 50 feet away and says “I bet you $14,000 I can stand right here and piss straight into the garbage can without splashing anywhere. The agent was reluctant, but knew there was no way physically possible he could do that, let alone without splashing anywhere, so he took the bet.
The old man stand up on his chair and begans to pee all over the agents desk. The agent jumps up in joy and yells “ ah hah! I win”. At the same time the agent looks at the lawyer and his face turns bright red and face palms himself. The agent asks “what’s wrong?”. The lawyer tells the IRS agent that on the drive over, the old man bet him $50,000 that he would piss all over the IRS agents desk and he would be really happy about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4fxb8/an_old_man_gets_a_call_from_the_irs/
%
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?

Because a metro-gnome is always on time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4fr5h/why_did_the_gnome_take_the_subway_to_work/
%
I got fired from my job by a jealous manager for breaking too many records.

I'm guessing that the vintage music industry is just not for me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4fr3e/i_got_fired_from_my_job_by_a_jealous_manager_for/
%
Two sailors, an Australian and a New Zealander, are caught drunk onboard and are each given 20 lashes

But the captain decides that since they are new they will be allowed to have one item of their choice strapped to their back. The New Zealander goes first and choses to have a pillow strapped to his back, but after 5 lashes the pillow is torn apart. The captain then turns to the Australian and asks why he hasn’t brought anything to be strapped to his back? The Australian turns to the captain and says
“Yes I did, I brought the New Zealander!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4foz3/two_sailors_an_australian_and_a_new_zealander_are/
%
I like my women how I like meat

I hate it because i’m vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4flc7/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_meat/
%
So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means?

It's not the end of the world..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4fk0r/so_what_if_i_dont_know_what_armageddon_means/
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Did you know that the Soviet Union had the highest percent of vegans?

Eating nothing = not eating animals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4fgo3/did_you_know_that_the_soviet_union_had_the/
%
I was attacked by wild bunnies who bit me 8 times

Luckily the doctor who helped me only charged me for one byte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4fg88/i_was_attacked_by_wild_bunnies_who_bit_me_8_times/
%
Offer: Giving all my batteries away.

- Free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4fbf0/offer_giving_all_my_batteries_away/
%
What happens when the fog lifts in Los Angeles?

UCLA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4fany/what_happens_when_the_fog_lifts_in_los_angeles/
%
Liam Neeson never snowboards.

He has a very specific set of skis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4f8v2/liam_neeson_never_snowboards/
%
What did sushi a say to sushi b?

Wasabi?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4f8a2/what_did_sushi_a_say_to_sushi_b/
%
I am outraged at the current state of video games

My son, who is eight years old, recently showed me his new “flute-em-up” game, tuba raider, and I am outraged at the amount of violins in it. Later, he asked me for GTAV (Great Tambourines And Violins) and I was horrified when I saw it had a sax scene with a prostitute and you could even do drums. Disgraceful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4f6ok/i_am_outraged_at_the_current_state_of_video_games/
%
How do you get America to enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4f5h6/how_do_you_get_america_to_enter_a_world_war/
%
I can never remember what NBD stands for.

But I guess it's no big deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4f4w8/i_can_never_remember_what_nbd_stands_for/
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My dad's favorite

This feller from up North decides that he wants to retire to the farm life, so he hops on the bus, and rides down to Tennessee. After getting off of the bus, he takes off walking down a country road. He comes across an old man selling rabbits and says, "I'd like to buy one of your finest rabbits, please." The old man sold him a rabbit, but made sure that he knew that down here, they're referred to as "pullits."
The northerner continues down the road to a chicken stand. He says, "ma'am, I'd like your finest chicken." She says, "that's fine, sweetheart, but 'round here we call 'em peckers."
The man, with his hands full, continues to one more stand, where a man is selling donkeys. "Sir, I'd like a donkey." "That's fine boy, but it's called an ass. You should know that this feller sometimes stops walking. When he does, just give him a scratch behind the ear, 'n he'll continue on his way."
So, the man has his hands full, riding along when the ass stops walking. Luckily, there is a lady nearby, so the Yankee says, "ma'am, can you please hold my pecker and pullit while I scratch my ass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4f0jx/my_dads_favorite/
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4eyrv/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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A murderer is being hanged for his crimes...

A murderer is being hanged for his crimes, one of the officers ask him,” Do you have any last wishes?” The murderer replies,” Yes, actually can I get a high five?” The police officer is confused but agrees, he then asks the murderer why he wanted such a weird last wish, the murder then replies,” I just didn’t want to be left hanging.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ey2i/a_murderer_is_being_hanged_for_his_crimes/
%
A flock of penguins escaped from the zoo.

While searching for them, the Zookeeper spoke to a man who claimed to have run over one of the penguins with his car.
“I didn’t get a good look at it, so I’m not 100% sure that it was a penguin. How big do those guys get?” Asked the man.
“Well most of them are around a foot and a half” said the Zookeeper.
“Hmm. Are there penguins that are larger?” Asked the man.
“Well the emperor penguin can grow up to around 4 feet, but they don’t get any bigger than that.” Said the doctor.
“Oh...”, the man paused.
“Well that was definitely a nun, then.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4er4p/a_flock_of_penguins_escaped_from_the_zoo/
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Mahatma Ghandi, as everybody knows, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet...

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4epqr/mahatma_ghandi_as_everybody_knows_walked_barefoot/
%
A kettle is like sex.

It gets louder the hotter it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4eix1/a_kettle_is_like_sex/
%
Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?

It’s the only time I’m ever wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4edkb/why_does_killing_people_in_gta_make_me_happy/
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The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits  in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.
The Godfather calls one of them over.
“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”
Jimmy swells with pride.
“I got a job I need you to do for me”
“Anything you need, Godfather. Just tell me what to do.”
“I want you to go back to the john, and I want you to whack off.”
Jimmy’s silent for a moment.
“Um... excuse me, Godfather, I coulda sworn you just told me to—“
The Godfather holds up his hand, silencing him.
“Jimmy, it’s for the family.”
Jimmy snaps to attention.
“Got it, Godfather. For the family.”
Whereupon he goes back to the bathroom. A few minutes later, he comes out, throws up his arms in a Victory salute and cries, “Mission accomplished.” Then he goes back over to The Godfather.
“So, Godfather, is there anything else I can do for you?”
The Godfather says, “You’re a good boy, Jimmy. I like your style.” Then he says, “Do it again.”
“WHAAA—!” Jimmy starts to protest. But The Godfather cuts him short with, “Jimmy, it’s for the family.”
Jimmy says, albeit dubiously, “Ok, Godfather. Whatever you say.”
This time he’s gone for a bit longer. When he comes out, he’s nowhere near as enthusiastic. Still, he goes back to The Godfather and reluctantly asks, “Is there...um... you got anything else, Godfather?”
The old man just stares at him, a slight smile at the corners of his mouth. Slowly, Jimmy gets the message.
“Oh nooo...”
The Godfather holds up one finger. “One more time, Jimmy.”
This time, he’s in the John a lot longer. When he comes out, a layer of sweat coats his pasty skin. His eyes have a glassy look. He says to The Godfather in desperation, “Godfather, this thing you have asked of me: I’ve given it my all. I swear to you, Godfather, I have given everything I’ve got. There is nothing left to give.”
“Take it easy, Jimmy. You done good. I got something else I want you to do.”
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys and hands them to Jimmy.
“Here’s the keys to my car. I want you to drive out to the airport and pick up my daughter.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4e7xg/the_godfathers_relaxing_at_his_social_club/
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What do you call good suggestions given over the radio?

Sound advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4e7fe/what_do_you_call_good_suggestions_given_over_the/
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What do you call when people try to impress their crush who is high?

Romancing the stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4e5kv/what_do_you_call_when_people_try_to_impress_their/
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Teacher asks a student to make a sentence with word 'Harassment'

At first the student hesitated then he spoke "herassment a lot to me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4e497/teacher_asks_a_student_to_make_a_sentence_with/
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How far does a car go with square wheels?

Four blocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4e3yh/how_far_does_a_car_go_with_square_wheels/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Never though I make it this long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4e33a/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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My girlfriend got angry that I always pretended to be using walky talkies...

"it really annoys me" she said "this relationship is over"
"this relation ship is what? Over" I said. She hasn't spoke to me since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4e1wh/my_girlfriend_got_angry_that_i_always_pretended/
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My drug dealer delivers so fast I nicknamed him...

Instagram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4e0m8/my_drug_dealer_delivers_so_fast_i_nicknamed_him/
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What is the difference between a turd and diarrhea?

You can gargle with diarrhea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4dysr/what_is_the_difference_between_a_turd_and_diarrhea/
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How do you seduce a female programmer?

1: Be proficient in Python
2: Have a big python

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4dvvb/how_do_you_seduce_a_female_programmer/
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What do you call a sex worker's fart?

A prosti-toot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4dvra/what_do_you_call_a_sex_workers_fart/
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A TV weatherman broke both his legs and arms in an accident...

...he had to call in from the hospital to explain his four casts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4dudq/a_tv_weatherman_broke_both_his_legs_and_arms_in/
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Buying your first car and losing your virginity have a lot of similarities...

It’s your first time doing an adult activity, and you’re paying somebody else to fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4dfxa/buying_your_first_car_and_losing_your_virginity/
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A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He surprised the lady of the house and tied her up. He then waited until the man of the house came upstairs and held him at gun point and demanded that the man have over all the jewelry and cash that the had in the house.
The man began sobbing and said:
"You can take anything you want but please untie the rope and free her."
The thief responded: "You must really love your wife."
The man responded: "No she's my neighbors wife. Mine will arrive shortly, so for all our sakes let her go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4dey0/a_thief_entered_a_house_midafternoon/
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How does a Jew prepare his coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4de9t/how_does_a_jew_prepare_his_coffee/
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In the Asylum, there were a zoophiliac, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist.

Then the zoophiliac said: "Lets get a cat and rape it". Then the murderer said: "Lets get a cat, rape it and kill it". Then the necrophiliac said: "we get it, rape it, kill it and rape it again". The pyromaniac said: " we get it, rape it, kill it, rape it again and then set it on fire".
Then all looked at the masochist and he said : "meow".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4dd7v/in_the_asylum_there_were_a_zoophiliac_a_murderer/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4d9a5/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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A man walks into the bar.

He sees a mod of r/Jokes crying over the counter.
"Hey buddy, what's wrong with you?" the Man asks.
Mod: "My life is pathetic. I've been a mod for the past 4 months and I was told I'd get a paycheck of $70000 every month. Those fuckers haven't paid me anything yet. I'm totally broke now, my family left me and the bank is taking away my home. When I went to their office, they just handed me this stupid urn containing the ashes of the previous mod."
Man: "Oh my God, this is pathetic. If only I could do something..." Suddenly an idea struck him. "Buddy, I've an idea. Just do what I say."
The man asks the bartender for a bottle of Gin, Tequila and Vodka and adds some of each to the urn and shakes it. The mod and the bartender stare at him in absolute horror.
Man: "Drink it."
Mod: "WHAT?! NO!"
Man: "If you drink this everything in your life will get sorted."
The mod reluctantly drinks it. As soon as he finishes the drink he gets a call from his boss. The boss says he transferred the 4 months' pay to the mod's account with a little extra as a fine for late payment. The mod is astonised.
Mod: "How the hell did you even do that?"
Man: "It's simple. Mod earn problems require  mod urn solutions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4d93p/a_man_walks_into_the_bar/
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How long should you wait to regift a Christmas present?

Last Christmas, this girl gave me her heart, and the very next day I gave it away. I haven’t heard the end of it since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4d2us/how_long_should_you_wait_to_regift_a_christmas/
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What’s the difference between a blacksmith and a silversmith?

Only one of them can say the “n” word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4czuq/whats_the_difference_between_a_blacksmith_and_a/
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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son…”
"Why are we living in London and still wearing all this shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4cxlp/a_young_arab_boy_asks_his_father_what_is_that/
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I used to think an ocean of soda existed.

But it was just a Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4cqzg/i_used_to_think_an_ocean_of_soda_existed/
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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick"

She said: how do you get dick from kyle?
I replied: you just ask nicely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4covj/i_started_a_new_job_my_boss_said_hi_my_name_is/
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My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4cmab/my_name_for_a_the_reptilian_shaped_microscopic/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone said I’m bad at math...

I’d have 50 cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ciqm/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_said_im/
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My girlfriend is a square root of -100

A solid 10 but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ch2g/my_girlfriend_is_a_square_root_of_100/
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Today I went to a meeting at my premature ejaculators support group.

It turns out the meeting is tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4cavo/today_i_went_to_a_meeting_at_my_premature/
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Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4cabh/why_dont_american_schools_give_fs_on_report_cards/
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What kind of horses go out after dusk?

Nightmares

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4c4rn/what_kind_of_horses_go_out_after_dusk/
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I heard that Louis CK is trying to make a comeback.

You think he'll pull it off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4c2nc/i_heard_that_louis_ck_is_trying_to_make_a_comeback/
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I asked my ex if she understood why she was so odd.

She said she can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4c0bc/i_asked_my_ex_if_she_understood_why_she_was_so_odd/
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What is a fear of giants called?

Pheephiphobia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4bwg7/what_is_a_fear_of_giants_called/
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I just saw a sign that made me shit myself.

It read "TOILETS CLOSED".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4bu2l/i_just_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_shit_myself/
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A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest.

After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says "Hey, you’re in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes, But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose how you die." The man from France said, "bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "bring me the gun" And the man from New York said, "bring me a fork" The guy was confused with the fork but still brought it the items and gave it to them. The guy from France said, “for the France!” And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “long live the queen!” And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4bq5h/a_man_from_france_a_man_from_britain_and_a_man/
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A visit to my gynaecologist

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctors office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasnt going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as Im sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, My, we have made an extra effort this morning, havent we? I didnt respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal… Some shopping, cleaning, and cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, Mommy, wheres my washcloth?
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.
Never going back to that doctor again…Never.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4bpf6/a_visit_to_my_gynaecologist/
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Enough with all the fat jokes guys!

Like, they already have enough on their plate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4bo7x/enough_with_all_the_fat_jokes_guys/
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A man was recently caught for breaking into craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter.

It’s pretty nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4bks4/a_man_was_recently_caught_for_breaking_into_craft/
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This time he might get his luggage at his home.

A student was flying back home so he reaches to the airport counter and speaks to the counter officer:
Haku: Sir, here is my passport and the ticket.
Officer: Ok,its alright may i check your laugage.
Haku: Ok here it is.But I would like to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London.
Officer:( Looking confused), I'm sorry we cannot do that?
Haku: Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that is what exactly you did to my luggage last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4bk3k/this_time_he_might_get_his_luggage_at_his_home/
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I love peanut butter.

It's my jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4bgzq/i_love_peanut_butter/
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I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4bgup/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_there/
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A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"What have you been up to today?" the bartender asks. "Funny you should ask. My horoscope said that my ex would pop up today," the gal says. "I've been down at the river all day, and luckily, no sign of him so far."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4be0q/a_gal_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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What's the hardest part of putting a baby into a hot oven?

My throbbing erection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4bcth/whats_the_hardest_part_of_putting_a_baby_into_a/
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The guy who built my bicycle wheels also does commercials for the shop.

He's a spokesperson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4bbjv/the_guy_who_built_my_bicycle_wheels_also_does/
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There are three ways to have a good Saturday

Smash, get smashed, or play Smash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4baj2/there_are_three_ways_to_have_a_good_saturday/
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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4b92e/a_college_teacher_reminds_her_class_of_tomorrows/
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What do you call a day spa employee who hates female customers?

A massagynist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4b2sv/what_do_you_call_a_day_spa_employee_who_hates/
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My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4b1hr/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
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You could really tell that the us government was tired of no shave November.

As soon a December 1st hit, Bush was gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4b0hc/you_could_really_tell_that_the_us_government_was/
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eBay is useless, i tried looking for lighters,

but got 13K matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4aznk/ebay_is_useless_i_tried_looking_for_lighters/
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A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.
He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.
The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile.
At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display.
And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night.
Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars.
The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking.
"Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh."
"I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now."
This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them.
He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me foregranted, we'll see how they like this boring mess."
The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display.
The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer.
"It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4avr7/a_farmer_got_an_idea_for_how_to_make_money_off/
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Two trees are having an argument in the forest.

A new a sapling has popped up between a maple and a pine and the two of them got into an argument over what kind of tree it is.
The maple thinks it's a son of a birch, and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other.
Maple "it's a son of a birch"
Pine "it's a son of a beech"
"Son of a birch"
"Son of a beech"
After arguing back and forth for a while they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it is.
They called Mr. Woodpecker over and they asked him "Mr. Woodpecker, can you please tell us whether or not this new sapling is a son of a birch or son of a beech"
Mr. Woodpecker hopped over to the little sapling, *peck peck peck* and then pause for a long while, getting impatient the maple said "well which is it?"
Mr. Woodpecker look up to the maple and said "Well, it isn't a son of a birch or son of a beech. But I will say that's the finest piece of ash I've ever laid my pecker into."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4as9v/two_trees_are_having_an_argument_in_the_forest/
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6:30 is the best time on the clock...

...hands down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ar4g/630_is_the_best_time_on_the_clock/
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So apparently Microsoft is working on a new Chromium-based web browser to replace the old ones..

Hooray! We'll finally have a decent web browser for downloading other web browsers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4apy8/so_apparently_microsoft_is_working_on_a_new/
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A software developer dies and comes to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks at the screen of his PC and says: "Sorry, I cannot let you in. There are bugs in the enrollment system and since you are a software developer, you must fix them first."
So the software developer takes a seat at St. Peter's desk and tries to fix the bugs for hours and hours, but without any success. Totally frustrated he finally slams the keyboard into the screen.
"You may enter now," says St. Peter, "it just turned into a hardware problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4apqe/a_software_developer_dies_and_comes_to_the_pearly/
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Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?
Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I became a cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ao9u/cop_1_this_murder_seems_racially_motivated/
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A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar

But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink.
Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The place goes dead still.
Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know.
“Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde.
“So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”
“Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4amdz/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_lesbian_bar/
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An English man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man find a magic slide!

They have to slide down the slide and scream what they wish for, and it will come true. So the English man slides down and screams money, so he is rewarded with a massive pile of money. The Scottish man slides down and yells a massive house, so he is rewarded with a massive house! The Irishman slides down and yells weeeeeeee as he enjoys himself, so the slide grants his wish! Let’s just say I think he’ll be needing some new trousers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4ag9c/an_english_man_a_scottish_man_and_an_irish_man/
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sexual activity

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born according to statistics that were just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations Board of Health Teams.
Data revealed that American men between 60 and 80 years of age will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This news came as a BIG shock to myself and my motorcycle buddies, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4afsi/sexual_activity/
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Lucky Dave

"You know," Dave told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man. I never realized howmuch my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick fromwork.""What did she do?" someone asked."She was so happy to have me home," he said, "that every time someone came tothe door, like the milkman or postman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4aduj/lucky_dave/
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One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way; I don’t even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4abj9/one_day_at_a_bus_stop_there_was_a_girl_who_was/
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An English Man, An Irish Man and a Scotchman are caught by cannibals.

The cannibals tell them they will all be skinned alive and turned into canoes and all. Of their insides eaten however, they have one last request before this happens.
The English man says "For my last request I want to have a cigar" the cannibals provide him with this and as soon as its finished they skin him alive and turn him into a canoe.
The Scotchman asks "For my last request I would like a bottle of scotch" again once the scotch is all gone, alas he is turned into a canoe also...
It's the Irish man's turn at this point. He looks na t the cannibals and makes his request. "I would like a fork" the cannibals look at him in amazement, such a simple request they thought. They supply him with the fork and he looks at them with a smirk on his face..
He then begins to stab himself repeatedly all over with the fork whilst shouting out "YOU ARE NOT TURNING ME INTO A CANOE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4a8uy/an_english_man_an_irish_man_and_a_scotchman_are/
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An Irishman walks into a bar amd orders three pints of Guiness.

He takes them to a table and takes a drink from each one, alternating cups until all of them are empty.
He comes back the next week and does the same. Three pints and takes a drink from each until they are all gone.
The third time he comes in the barman, curious, asks why he drinks like that.
"Oh it's for my brother's. We live all over the world and don't get to see each other very often. Doing this feels like we are all together once a week."
"That's lovely." Says the barman and wishes him well.
This continues for several years and the Irishman becomes something of a celebrity as the story circulates among the other regulars.
Until one night, the man comes in and orders two pints. A hush falls over the bar as they watch him take his drinks and continue alternating like always but with a pint missing.
The barman, who first asked him about the tradition feels compelled to go over.
"I'm so sorry for your loss," he says pointing at the pints.
Confused the Irishman looks at him before laughing and saying, "No, we're all fine. I just gave up drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4a7gm/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar_amd_orders_three/
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What do British Neo Nazis call their home?

Mein Gaff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4a54i/what_do_british_neo_nazis_call_their_home/
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A software QA engineer walks into a bar.

He orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 99999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a ueicbksjdhd.
First real customer walks in and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4a4jc/a_software_qa_engineer_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.
The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled but jubilant hum somewhere nearby.
Curious, he got up and followed the sound down a narrow hallway, until he came to a great door, light streaming out from under it.
He made to grab to handle when the monk came running and frantically batted his hand away.
"*Don't* go in there! That is exclusively for monks and you are not one of us! Do you perhaps wish to be?"
The man declined, thinking of his wife and children back home. Becoming a monk just for that would be idiotic.
The next day, the storm had settled and the man could return home.
About a year later, the man was hiking, as he often did, and was caught in a storm of similar power as the one a year before. Already knowing where he would go for the night, he headed up to the monastery.
"Of course, you may stay here for the night." the monk said.
In the same room, the man lay under the covers, trying to fall asleep when a familiar humming drifted to him. He'd forgotten about that door since last time, and couldn't quite believe, that they were there again. He couldn't think of anything, that could make a person as happy as those behind that door seemed to be.
Sneaking quietly through the dark hallway, he made it to the door and reached out to open it, just as he had last year. As if he had been waiting, a monk sprang from the darkness and seized the man's wrist.
"No entry! Become a monk, and you may enter." The monk's gaze was hard and unwavering.
Despite a small spark of desire in his stomach, the man refused, going back to bed.
For the duration of the following year, the man thought every single day about that door and what heavenly pleasures it might contain. He looked at his wife and children and actually found himself unsure of which he wanted more - to be with his family, or discover what was behind that door.
Predictably, a year and some months after his last visit, he was caught in a storm once more and sought shelter in the monastery.
As soon as he was left on his own in the guest room, he went to the mysterious door.
"You can only enter if you become a monk!" a monk said, as he appeared, almost out of nowhere, when the man tried to enter.
The man swallowed nervously. He hadn't realized until now, but he had been prepared to abandon his family since he went on the hike. It was now or never.
"I'll do it. I'll become a monk!"
"Excellent! Follow me inside please." said the monk, opening the mysterious door and closing it behind the man after he had gone inside.
Now, you're probably wondering what was in there, but you aren't a monk, so I can't tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a49vsd/a_man_was_out_for_a_hike_on_a_mountain_when_hes/
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An Englishman, a Scottish man and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”
The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face of the Englishman and suffocated him. He then turned to the Scottish man.
The Scottish man said “I want to die by drowning in scotch whisky.” So the serial killer filled up a bucket with whisky and held the Scottish man’s head in the bucket until he had drowned. He then turned to the Irish man.
The Irishman thought for a moment and said “I want to die by being injected with the HIV virus.” So the serial killer locked the Irishman in the room and went to find his final murder weapon. He later returned with a dirty syringe and injected it into the Irish man’s arm. The serial killer said “you may go free. The death that awaits you will be a slow and painful one.”
The Irish man looks at the serial killer as he walks out of the door and says “Haha! The joke’s on you! I was wearing a condom!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a49vcj/an_englishman_a_scottish_man_and_an_irish_man/
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My Uncle Steve.

I have an Uncle named Steve. He was really down on his luck cause he was fired from his job. Worst thing was that it wasn't even his fault. Anyway, He had a hard time finding another job because he isn't the nicest looking guy. He's got a really high forehead, like airplane runway big. He's also got a really pointy head. You could put him in an areodynamics tank and he'd be more streamlined then a racecar. So a few months had gone by and his luck was so bad that he had run out of money as he didn't have a job yet. A few weeks later and he was living on the streets. He was so poor that he could barely afford food.
One day, he met up with one of his long time friends from highschool who he hadn't seen in a long time. They chatted for about an hour and Uncle Steve was telling him about whats happened. How he got fired from his job, lost all his money and ended up living on the streets. His friend was appauled at this and offered Steve a deal. He said "Steve... I'm gonna give you $20, but you have to promise me something." Steve asked, "Well, what is it?" He said "Well, if I give you this $20, you have to promise me that you will change your life with it." So Uncle Steve agreed and said his farewells.
He left and he was thinking, "Well, what should I get with this?" And he thought he could get some new clothes as his were a bit torn up and the only things that wern't torn up were his speedos. While he was on his way to the store, he passed an advertisement on a bus stop about a cruise ticket for only $20! "He thought, that's not right. He went to the local internet cafe and looked it up. "Wow, it's actually true!" thought Steve.
He browsed the site some more and looked at all the restraunts he could go to and all the activites he could do. And then he saw it, at the bottom of the page. "THIS CRUISE CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!" He bought the ticket then and there.
Anyway, the day had come for him to board the cruise, he had everything he owned in a backpack, including the speedos and he was ready with the ticket. He got in lineand was waiting to board when one of the guards pulled him out of the line. He asked "Where did you get this ticket?" Steve said "I bought it with my last $20!" And so the guard looked him up and down and he said "Alright but before I let you board, there are a few rules I should say that go with this ticket. Number 1, you aren't allowed out during the day."
Uncle Steve thought this was crazy, but he agreed. "All the restraunts and activities will still be open but you can only come out during the night. Number 2, the reason this ticket is so cheap is because you won't be sleeping near the others." "Well, where will I be staying?" asked Steve. "You'll be on the lowest deck." Steve said "Well, that's not too bad."
The guard replied "No I'm talking the lowest of the the ship, not even we go down there." So the guard led Uncle Steve onto the boat to an elevator. He told Steve "Now when you go down, you are gonna press the lowest floor for the elevator, then once that's done, you are gonna turn right and go down the hallway until you reach a set of stairs. Once you reach those stairs, go all the way to the bottom and turn left into another hallway. Once you reach the end, your room will be on the right."
So Steve followed the directions and he was going down the elevator, and he was still going down, and still going down, and still going down. When finally, he reached the bottom! He looked out of the elevator, and he saw this long dark hallway. He could hear a faint crunching noise coming from down the hall. Reluctantly, he followed the wall and walked down the hall. The sound was getting louder the further he got until he got to the stairs and he realised the sound was coming from down the stairs.
Uncle Steve was a bit nervous, he didn't know what was down there! He thought, "Well, I came on this cruise to change my life, I may aswell keep going." So he went down the stairs, and walked down the hallway, the sound was getting louder and louder! He couldn't hear himself think! He kept going though, not knowing what the sound was, and when he got to his room.
He could hear the sound on the other side. "I don't wanna sleep in there! I'll get mauled by a vicious beast or something!" thought Steve. But curiousity overtook him as he had to know what was on the other side of this door. He said, "Screw it!" and counted to 3. 1... 2... 3! And on 3, he opened the door. And there it was, making all that noise! The engine of the boat! He was sleeping down with the engine! Steve walked in the room and plopped his bag down and walked over to the bed. There were some earmuffs sitting on the bed. "Well at least I can sleep in peace."
Anyway, night time came and Steve was ready to go back up for dinner. He went up and he couldn't believe it! Everything was still open! And no-one else was around! Steve went to everything, from the water slide at the pool to the restraunts and ordered everything he could get (which was everything on the menu). Right now, things were looking up for Uncle Steve. He had everything he ever wanted for only $20.
But after a week, Steve realised he was lonely. No-one was around when he went up and he wasn't allowed out during the day. So a week later when he couldn't handle the isolation any longer. He decided he'd break the rules and go up during the day. So he decided he'd go to the pool again so he put his speedos on and made his way up. He went to the pool and as he was about to get in, he saw the captain stitting on one of the chairs at the pool side.
"What if I get caught?" thought Steve. "He hasn't seen me before? Maybe he won't notice." So he acted as naturally as he could and went over to the diving board. He thought he'd have some fun so he did a front flip. Landed in the pool perfectly, not even a splash, not even a ripple.  He swam to the edge of the pool and was got out to go again when the Captain stopped him.
He asked, "Hey, sir. What's your name?" Nervously, Uncle Steve replied "Uhhh, umm. My name is, uhh, Steve." The captain said "Well Steve, that was the best god damn front flip I'd ever seen. Do you see everyone looking at you in amazement?" He looked around and he'd attracted a small crowd. "If you don't mind Steve, can you do it again?" Steve agreed but a bit nervous to not get caught. He went to the diving board and decided he may aswell put on a show.
So he did a perfect back flip with a 360 twist. Landed in the water, not a splash, not even a ripple. He swam to the surface and could see a bigger crowd they were all cheering for him. One called out "What natural talent! Amazing!" He got out of the pool and the captain said "I've seen enough!" He thought he was caught. "Steve, I am going to build you your own diving board. And I want you to do your best dive off it when it's done." Steve was glad he didn't get caught so he agreed to to the show.
A bit nervous about getting so close to getting caught. He stayed in his room for a week, only ever going up for food. 2 weeks went by and he'd still heard no word of this diving board. One day, when he was down in his cabin, he heard a knock at his door. It was the captain! "Hey Steve, I've been looking for you! The diving board is finished! After your show we'll get you in a luxury cabin and you can come out when ever you'd like!" Steve followed the captain all the way up to the pool.
He'd never seen the diving board so it came to a shock to him when he saw it and couldn't see the top. The captain was a bit chuft with the build and said "Steve, tgis beauty is all ready for your perfect dive. Steve was really nervous, it was really high up, like he thought he might touch the sun at the top. But he is a man of his word and he agreed to put on a show, so he started climbing.
After all those time of going up and down the stairs and hallways, he was strong enough to keep climbing. He look down and the boat was so small it seemed like and ant was bigger than it. He still hadn't reached the top though so he kept climbing. And climbing. And climbing. He was starting to get tired when he finally reached the top. He looked down, Steve couldn't even see the cruise anymore.
He was scared but he made a promise. So he got ready and said "heres to changing my life." and jumped. He did 20 front flips perfectly, looked down, still couldn't see the ship so he thought he'd do some more flips, so he did like 30 backflips with twist. Looked down and he could finally see the ship. So he got ready and aimed for the pool. It was coming up so fast now that he hit the water with so much speed, he went straight under. And guess what.... Not a splash, not even a ripple.
He was still going fast though, and here is why Uncle Steve is thankful for his pointy head. He went straight through the bottom of the pool. He was still going to fast so he kept going through floor after floor. Still going so fast, he went straight through the bottom of the ship. He finally slowed down enough that he swm to the surface and he was at the side of the ship.
He had a slight ringing in his ear but could here someone calling his name. "STEVE!!! STEVE!!! WHERE ARE YOU!?!" He called out "I'm over here!" He looked up to see the captain. "Steve, are you ok? Do you need any help?" Steve said, looking at himself "I all good captain, I've been through many a hardships in my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a49va5/my_uncle_steve/
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What is laying on it's back, 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a49tw3/what_is_laying_on_its_back_100_feet_in_the_air/
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Son, I have good news, and bad news.

The good news is that I found a forgotten Christmas present from last year!
The bad news is that it was a puppy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a49ro8/son_i_have_good_news_and_bad_news/
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a49miy/a_man_and_his_wife_are_awakened_at_3_oclock_in/
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Why did the wheelchaired kid get bullied?

He couldn’t stand up for himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a49m6w/why_did_the_wheelchaired_kid_get_bullied/
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TIL Giraffe penises are 40in. long

Which explains their long necks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a49lbz/til_giraffe_penises_are_40in_long/
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Light is faster than Sound.

That's why some people appear to be bright until they talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a49c7x/light_is_faster_than_sound/
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What do gastroenterologists and programmers have in common?

When you're missing a semicolon, shit breaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a49b8j/what_do_gastroenterologists_and_programmers_have/
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I took my lad to see Father Christmas yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Father Christmas thought of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a49b4u/i_took_my_lad_to_see_father_christmas_yesterday/
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I will fight for my right to eat delicious things.

A snacktivist if you will...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a49av3/i_will_fight_for_my_right_to_eat_delicious_things/
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A magician was driving a car

Then he turned into a driveway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a498my/a_magician_was_driving_a_car/
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I call this my brexit dress..

Every time I wear it people want me out of it and when I’m out they want me back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a498gk/i_call_this_my_brexit_dress/
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What happened when the teacher tied everyone's laces together?

They went on a class trip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a497ts/what_happened_when_the_teacher_tied_everyones/
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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4941z/an_englishman_a_scottish_man_and_an_irish_man_all/
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My friend told me that storm Diana was on its way from the east, bringing high winds and rain and it could cause a lot of damage.

I told him not to worry as it would probably crash out in France

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4924n/my_friend_told_me_that_storm_diana_was_on_its_way/
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My dad always said "You should fight fire with fire."

But then he was kicked out of the fire service!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a48wo3/my_dad_always_said_you_should_fight_fire_with_fire/
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What do women and cyclones have in common?

They get wet and wild when coming and they take the house when going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a48v0q/what_do_women_and_cyclones_have_in_common/
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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bartender says "Hey, you can't have that dangerous animal in my bar".
So the man says "If I manage to prove you that the animal is safe, will you allow it?"
The bartender agrees to this and the man then proceeds to pull down his pants and puts his penis between the open mouth of the crocodile. After 5 minutes of doing so, he removes his penis from the mouth of the crocodile.
He then turns to the amazed crowd at the bar and says "Anyone else wants to give it a try?"
A man at the back of the bar raises his hand and timidly says "I would like to try, however I don't think I'll be able to keep my mouth open for so long"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a48nwu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_crocodile/
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What do you call a medieval ruler who frequently says farewell, is attracted to both genders, rides a motorcycle, and originates from Scandinavia?

A biking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a48j7o/what_do_you_call_a_medieval_ruler_who_frequently/
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The eagle was a bird of many skills.

One could say he was very talon-ted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a48gq1/the_eagle_was_a_bird_of_many_skills/
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I just realized I have a superpower

I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them.
It takes a while though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4891e/i_just_realized_i_have_a_superpower/
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I was sitting in traffic the other day...

That's probably why I got run over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4853e/i_was_sitting_in_traffic_the_other_day/
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Navy jet pilot: This is it! We’re flying faster than the speed of sound!

Copilot: What?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a482eo/navy_jet_pilot_this_is_it_were_flying_faster_than/
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My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk

I asked if she wanted it pasteurized.
She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a481yj/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_fill_the_bathtub_up/
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Why is the Spanish Army so good at flanking maneuvers?

NO ONE EXPECTS A SPANIARD IN POSITION!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a481or/why_is_the_spanish_army_so_good_at_flanking/
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Why was the band teacher arrested?

Because he fingered a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a47yph/why_was_the_band_teacher_arrested/
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5 years ago I asked a beautiful girl for dinner.Today i asked her to marry me

She said no both times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a47ox6/5_years_ago_i_asked_a_beautiful_girl_for/
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Donate a liver, you get called a hero.

Donate seven of them, you get arrested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a47lc8/donate_a_liver_you_get_called_a_hero/
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Geology rocks, but geography is where it's at..

And geometry's a cute one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a47k9m/geology_rocks_but_geography_is_where_its_at/
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My little brother asked me if I knew why our dad always hits us.

Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a47k3n/my_little_brother_asked_me_if_i_knew_why_our_dad/
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A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a regular burger and fries. A little later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and immediately notices a small hair sticking out of the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my burger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his horror, he sees the cook take a meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
The waitress says, "You think that's disgusting, you should see him make donuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a47j8c/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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A woman is giving birth to twins.

Due to the massive blood loss during the delivery, she had gone unconscious shortly after they were delivered.
She awakens to a nurse who congratulated her on having the kids and told her that her brother had come in and named the children for her.
"Oh no" the woman said, "My brother is a little slow...he's not entirely all there"
"Don't worry" says the nurse, "He actually picked good names, the girls name is Denise"
"That's not that bad" says the woman. "What's my boys name?"
The nurse replies "Denephew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a47hwk/a_woman_is_giving_birth_to_twins/
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A man comes through the door and announces, “Pack your bags, Honey, because ... I just won the lottery!!!”

His wife comes down the stairs and says, “Oh my God!!! Oh my God!!! Well, what do you think? Should I pack for the beach or the mountains??!!”
He replies, “I don’t care, just get the fuck out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a47gzm/a_man_comes_through_the_door_and_announces_pack/
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What sexual position leads to ugly children?

I don't know, you should ask your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a47edf/what_sexual_position_leads_to_ugly_children/
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Why do midgets always laugh when playing soccer?

The grass tickles their balls!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a478bk/why_do_midgets_always_laugh_when_playing_soccer/
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Prince Harry takes Meghan on a date. Who pays?

The taxpayers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a476gi/prince_harry_takes_meghan_on_a_date_who_pays/
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A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip.

They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing.
The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, but misses the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes and says 'You forgot to account for the wind! Give it here.' He takes the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind, and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells, 'We got him!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4753m/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_statistician_go_on/
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I was going to post some self deprecating jokes...

But I’m not very good at them :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a474wa/i_was_going_to_post_some_self_deprecating_jokes/
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What is the difference between a farmer and a mathematician?

One has pro tractor skills. And the other has protractor skills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a470a7/what_is_the_difference_between_a_farmer_and_a/
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A bum is riding a bus and notices a pretty nun sitting near him.

He tries to hit on her but she doesn't respond positively. Later, the bus driver tells him to go to the graveyard that night and the nun will be there praying, and to pretend to be Jesus and she'll let the bum bone her. The bum goes to the graveyard, sees a nun praying, shouts "Your husband Jesus Christ is here!" and starts boning her in the ass. Afterwards he says "You're so gullible; it's me, the bum!" The nun pulls off her wimple and says "It's me, the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a46ynm/a_bum_is_riding_a_bus_and_notices_a_pretty_nun/
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I have an EpiPen...

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a46tw1/i_have_an_epipen/
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Why doesn't anyone ever talk about the Honda Jesus used to own?

Because he didn't speak of his own accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a46q95/why_doesnt_anyone_ever_talk_about_the_honda_jesus/
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to buy a new fence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a46jb3/what_time_is_it_when_an_elephant_sits_on_your/
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Why was frosty in the produce aisle?

Picking his nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a46iy6/why_was_frosty_in_the_produce_aisle/
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What do you get when you cross human DNA with whale DNA?

Kicked out if Sea World apparently.
Joke credit: u/refreshing_username

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a46h4e/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_human_dna_with/
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hey guys im trying out jokes, What do you get when oxygen and iron meet?

Ah darn, I forgot the punchline. Sorry guys Im a little rusty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a46d0i/hey_guys_im_trying_out_jokes_what_do_you_get_when/
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Two men walk into a bar and see a big guy sitting at the end with a tiny head...

One guy says to the other guy "Go over there and ask him why is head so small." The second guy says "No way man you do it."
So he proceeded to the end of the bar asking him "Hey man, why is your head so tiny?"
The guy with the tiny head says "It's okay, everybody ask me all the time. I was walking down a beach and discovered a genie lamp. A genie came out and she was absolutely gorgeous. She said she would grant me three wishes. So I wished to be a billionaire, my 2nd wish  was to live forever, and my 3rd was to have sex with the genie."
The genie says "I cannot grant your last wish. It is not allowed."
So I replied "Well how about a little head?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a46cez/two_men_walk_into_a_bar_and_see_a_big_guy_sitting/
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You know what's anticlimactic

The end of this joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a46aio/you_know_whats_anticlimactic/
%
Why did the defendant orgasm after he was acquitted?

He got off on a technicality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a466xf/why_did_the_defendant_orgasm_after_he_was/
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What do you call a prisoner with leprosy?

A leprechaun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a464jr/what_do_you_call_a_prisoner_with_leprosy/
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What’s worse then a shrimp on piano?

Cancer on organs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45yae/whats_worse_then_a_shrimp_on_piano/
%
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night...

He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love."
His wife asked how he knew this.
He responded with:
"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45xbx/a_viking_named_rudolph_the_red_was_looking_out_of/
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An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.
"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.
The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.
"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." The foreman points out a much larger tree.
One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.
"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"
"In the Sahara Forest." Replied the lumberjack.
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" Asked the foreman.
"That's why I'm here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45wni/an_african_lumberjack/
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I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "whose blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45vw8/i_was_going_to_donate_blood_today_but_they_always/
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Two pretzels were walking down the street...

And one was assaulted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45v6h/two_pretzels_were_walking_down_the_street/
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Why don't Santa Clause and Mrs. Clause have any children?

Because Santa only comes once a year and it's always down the chimney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45tpp/why_dont_santa_clause_and_mrs_clause_have_any/
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Smokers Delight

3 old ladies were smoking cigarettes behind the nursing home. It started to rain so two of them threw their cigarettes on the ground all pissed off. The third one pulled a condom out of her pursue, rolled it down her cigarette and continued smoking. The other two asked in amazement where she had gotten it. She told them that she got them at the drug store. The next day, the nursing home took a trip to the drug store. The two old ladies went to the counter and asked the clerk if he had any condoms. He looked puzzled but in a professional tone asked them what type they would like. They look at each other and then back at him and answer,,, I don't know, as long as it will fit a camel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45qst/smokers_delight/
%
Wanna hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45pfm/wanna_hear_a_construction_joke/
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I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45nte/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_when_she_told_me/
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A man was walking down the beach.

He saw this woman, who had no arms crying and he asked her what was wrong. She said, "I've never been hugged before." So he hugged her and walked away.
The next day, he saw this woman, who had no legs crying and he asked her what was wrong. She said, "I've never been kissed before." So he kissed her and walked away
The next day, he saw another woman, who had no arms or legs crying and he asked her what was wrong. She said, "I've never been fucked before." So he picked her up, threw her in the water and said "well you're fucked now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45n9i/a_man_was_walking_down_the_beach/
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A man walks into a church....

before the service is due to start and says to the priest "Father, I wonder if you can help? I left my umbrella here last week and now I can't find it."
"Are you sure you left it here? I haven't seen any umbrellas left in the pews."
"Yes I'm certain Father."
"Well I don't want to accuse anyone of stealing so here's what I'll do. I'll preach a sermon on the Ten Commandments and afterwards let you know if anybody confesses anything."
"Thank you Father."
During the service, priest preaches on the Ten Commandments while the man anxiously looks around. Yet when the priest gets to "thou shalt not commit adultery" the man relaxes, thanks heaven, and smiles with contentment.
At the end of the service the man goes up to the priest again and says "wonderful sermon Father! As soon as you got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I'd left my umbrella!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45jev/a_man_walks_into_a_church/
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I got a text from my wife saying "Grandma is keeping the baby tonight, you wanna smash as soon as you get home?"

Never before have I been disappointed to come home and find my wife naked and wearing high heels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45han/i_got_a_text_from_my_wife_saying_grandma_is/
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I would love to be a microscope salesman..

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not looking to buy a microscope"
"OK then, here's my business card"
"The writing is way too small! I can't read it!"
"Well, do I have a product for you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45gdc/i_would_love_to_be_a_microscope_salesman/
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What do you get when you try to breed a dog and a wolf?

2 counts of animal abuse and the ending of Old Yeller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45efo/what_do_you_get_when_you_try_to_breed_a_dog_and_a/
%
My friend told me yesterday that if you eat cow feces you grow an immunity to cancer

But that's bull shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a45axf/my_friend_told_me_yesterday_that_if_you_eat_cow/
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a459f3/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dyslexic_an/
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My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a458tb/my_roommate_told_me_my_clothes_look_gay/
%
Dan is an aspiring actor who has recently been feelimg down.

He's done audition after countless audition, but has never managed to get a role. One day, as he's looking for another job, about to give up, he gets a call from his manager.
"Hello," Dan says.
"Hey," said Dan's agent, "I just managed to get you cast in a play. It's really last minute, but you just have to come to the next town over and meet the director, Bob. He'll tell you what to do when you get here."
Ecstatic, Dan drove to the town and arrived at the theater. Bob was there when he got there, just as his agent had told him.
"Hey, Dan, nice to meet you," Bob said. "Your role is very simple," he told Dan, "when I give you the signal, you go out on stage and say 'Hark! Is that a cannon I hear?'" Excited, Dan then goes off to practice his line.
As he's practicing, Dan realizes that he knows nothing about what the play is about or how he is supposed to deliver his line, so he decides to practice it in many different ways so that he can be flexible when the night of the premier came.
First, he thought *maybe it should be a bold proclamation.* So that's how he said it **"Hark! Is that a cannon I hear?"**
Then, he thought *maybe it's a proper British man saying it.* So he said it with a British accent.
And so he continued to practice his line in various different voices and styles. For hours on end, he practiced until he thought he was fully prepared.
Soon, the night of the performance came. He stood patiently back stage and waited for his cue. When the time finally came, he walked out on stage. He prepared to deliver his line, and suddenly from behind him he heard a deafening BOOM and screamed "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4563q/dan_is_an_aspiring_actor_who_has_recently_been/
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Why did the Rastafarian refuse to cut his hair for ten years?

He was dreading it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a455mz/why_did_the_rastafarian_refuse_to_cut_his_hair/
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Three european explorers come to America.

When they arrive they are met by native Americans who want to kill them.
The europeans beg not to be killed, so the native americans will spare their lives, on one condition, that they "must go into the forest and bring back a single fruit."
They go into the forest and the first one comes back with a peach.
The native americans then say he must put it up his butt, and if he laughs he will be killed. he tries, but he laughs and they kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape, so they tell him the same thing, and he dies.
The first two later meet in heaven.  The first guy says to the second: "i had a peach, and it was fuzzy and that is why i laughed.  Buy you had a grape, so what happened?"
The second then replies with: "it was going fine, gut then i saw the third guy come back with a pineapple."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4559p/three_european_explorers_come_to_america/
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Ireland has had its worst ever air disaster. A small 4-seater plane has crashed into a cemetery...

So far, rescue workers have retrieved 432 bodies, but expect the number to rise as digging continues through the night...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a453yy/ireland_has_had_its_worst_ever_air_disaster_a/
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Last week my dog ate the bag of scrabble tiles.

Ever since then he has been leaving little messages around the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a452em/last_week_my_dog_ate_the_bag_of_scrabble_tiles/
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YouTube Review 2018 actually does represent the year 2018 pretty well...

Shitty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a451ds/youtube_review_2018_actually_does_represent_the/
%
Jesus said, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”

But Moses came fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4515q/jesus_said_come_forth_and_receive_eternal_life/
%
A blind man...

A blind man walks into a bar...
And the table, and the chair, and the counter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a44w6c/a_blind_man/
%
How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?

They came from behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a44upx/how_did_the_dickbutts_win_their_soccer_match/
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What's an anti-vaxxer's favourite sport?

Water polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a44u3h/whats_an_antivaxxers_favourite_sport/
%
A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a44thk/a_duck_a_skunk_and_a_deer_went_out_for_dinner_at/
%
In what country was the angry Prius built in?

Madatagascar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a44rlr/in_what_country_was_the_angry_prius_built_in/
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What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

A Harley has room for 2 dirtbags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a44orq/whats_the_difference_between_a_harley_and_a_hoover/
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I remember trying to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal ...

... But it turns out she had seen a bin open that way before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a44htr/i_remember_trying_to_impress_a_girl_by_putting_my/
%
A Jew runs over to the hospital

He has heard that his friend Raymond is in there, but doesn't know why. As soon as he finds his room in the hopsital, he goes to the doctor and asks,
Israel?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a44f4m/a_jew_runs_over_to_the_hospital/
%
I'm reading a book that argues against euthanasia.

It's impossible to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a44ejm/im_reading_a_book_that_argues_against_euthanasia/
%
What do you get after a boobjob?

Chestnut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a44dfm/what_do_you_get_after_a_boobjob/
%
What do you get when you light a pig on fire?

a piglit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a44ceh/what_do_you_get_when_you_light_a_pig_on_fire/
%
I'd been having some stomach issues, so I went to the GI

He said I should keep a bathroom journal, but I prefer to call it a log book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a445bw/id_been_having_some_stomach_issues_so_i_went_to/
%
Ernie the Hamster

I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!" They shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient.
After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" My son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know," Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap."Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen .. Ernie is a boy." "What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.
So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?"! My wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly! What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its ... teeny little ..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.
Enough said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a442n1/ernie_the_hamster/
%
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse

Both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing
when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared
for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go
get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3
series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped
off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to
save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to
see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed
to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to
him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,
with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he
returned. The friendship between the two animals was
cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and
soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to
save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over,
and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing"
and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got
a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his
life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to
pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a441nr/on_the_farm_lived_a_chicken_and_a_horse/
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Sadly the inventor of the USB port died recently. . .

They are still trying to figure out which way to put his casket into the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4417q/sadly_the_inventor_of_the_usb_port_died_recently/
%
Men defy the law of gravity

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a43zi7/men_defy_the_law_of_gravity/
%
What did the pothead want for Christmas

A body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a43z9c/what_did_the_pothead_want_for_christmas/
%
I was gonna ask which Nirvana album was the best but...

Nevermind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a43z9g/i_was_gonna_ask_which_nirvana_album_was_the_best/
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If I ever happen to get Alzheimer's, I ask you one thing:

How did I get here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a43x70/if_i_ever_happen_to_get_alzheimers_i_ask_you_one/
%
My daughter came home from school confused.

“Dad, the boys in my class are weird”.
“Whatever I say, they respond ‘that’s what she said’ and then they all laugh”.
So I try to think of a way to tell her that without using rude words, but I just can’t.
She looks at me, disappointed, and says “it’s ok daddy, you tried your best”.
I answered, “Yea, that’s what she said”,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a43uuc/my_daughter_came_home_from_school_confused/
%
My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother’s surprise party.

That’s when I realised he was her favourite twin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a43pp3/my_mother_asked_me_to_hand_out_invitations_to_my/
%
I just flew into town, and boy are my arms tired.

I just have bad fear of flying, and I masturbate to relieve stress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a43ei4/i_just_flew_into_town_and_boy_are_my_arms_tired/
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Never ask a dominant woman to make you a sandwich

Because she’ll make you a sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a43dph/never_ask_a_dominant_woman_to_make_you_a_sandwich/
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I think I got my terrible memory from my dad

It makes sense, considering he completely forgot to be there for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a43agm/i_think_i_got_my_terrible_memory_from_my_dad/
%
Mom, can I have a cat for Christmas this year?

No, you’ll have turkey like the rest of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a434ot/mom_can_i_have_a_cat_for_christmas_this_year/
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LPT for stretching your food budget

Cut a minute steak into 60 pieces.  Then everyone can have seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a43377/lpt_for_stretching_your_food_budget/
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Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4331x/did_you_know_that_a_piranha_can_devour_a_human/
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Dark humor is like a kid with cancer

It never gets old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a432s0/dark_humor_is_like_a_kid_with_cancer/
%
They’re taking “Baby It’s Cold Outside” off off of the radio for being offensive?

But I can’t help to think about all those poor children that lost their grandmothers in tragic reindeer accidents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a431nq/theyre_taking_baby_its_cold_outside_off_off_of/
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Disappointed by my family tree

Turns out it is a cactus, there's a prick on every branch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a431h4/disappointed_by_my_family_tree/
%
Due to reposts I now try to guess the punchline before i open up a joke on Reddit. Can you guess how many I've gotten correct?

Bus driver.
If you thought I was going to say "nun" you were probably surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a431c2/due_to_reposts_i_now_try_to_guess_the_punchline/
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I like music by underground artists

Like Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Michael Jackson, John Lennon, Bob Marley and Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a42zet/i_like_music_by_underground_artists/
%
Albert Einstein walked into a bar at 99 percent the speed of light.

The bartender said, "Why the short face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a42xha/albert_einstein_walked_into_a_bar_at_99_percent/
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Why don’t they play poker in the Jungle?

Too many CHEETAHS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a42u5a/why_dont_they_play_poker_in_the_jungle/
%
What does the British fox say?

Hot tea hot tea hot tea ho!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a42qz5/what_does_the_british_fox_say/
%
What does a meth head want for Christmas?

Their two front teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a42pfj/what_does_a_meth_head_want_for_christmas/
%
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated

One is a member of the Gestapo. One is an Imperial Japanese officer. And one is a Fascist Italian Commander.
They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated.
The German says, "My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me."
The Japanese says, "It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture."
The Italian says, "I'm fucked."
The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck. Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood. The other two ask him what happened.
"Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country,"
Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated. 3 days pass and he returns to the cell. His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied.
"I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku."
Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life. A whole week passes before he returns. Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by 2 soldiers. One of the soldiers jeers, "I can't believe you guys broke instead of this dago."
The other 2 are shocked. Amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break. They ask him how he did it.
"I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn't speak."
"What do you mean you couldn't speak?" The others ask.
"They tied my hands behind my back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a42eep/three_high_ranking_axis_soldiers_are_about_to_be/
%
Why did Japan bomb Pearl Harbor?

Because someone asked for supplies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a42bzc/why_did_japan_bomb_pearl_harbor/
%
There are 3 types of people in this world...

Those who can count, and those who cannot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a42bq8/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Why did the man dressed as a ghost get kicked out of the Halloween party?

He showed up sheetfaced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a42b59/why_did_the_man_dressed_as_a_ghost_get_kicked_out/
%
Ever watch a documentary about joining steel together?

It can be riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a428e9/ever_watch_a_documentary_about_joining_steel/
%
I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.

She said, "That's a stupid name."
I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a425yp/i_told_my_wife_i_wanted_to_name_our_unborn_son/
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A Chinese chimpanzee walks into a bar..

...and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the chimpanzee, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a chimpanzee walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the chimpanzee notices anything."
So he walks back over to the chimpanzee and hands him a dollar change. The chimpanzee doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the chimpanzee, "we don't get too many chimpanzees in here."
And the chimpanzee says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a423ak/a_chinese_chimpanzee_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Looking for r/Jokes Rewind 2018

All I can find here is 2015s jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a41ykq/looking_for_rjokes_rewind_2018/
%
How do you like them apples?

A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke
The bartender plops an apple in front of him.
"But I wanted a drink"
The bartender says "Just try it."
The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!"
"Turn it around," says the bartender.
The guy bites into the other side of the apple and says "Wow, this tastes just like Coke.  Amazing!"
Another guy sits down, orders a Gin & Tonic.
The bartender plops down an apple in front of him.
"I want a drink, not food"
The first guy says "Trust me, just taste it."
He bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Gin"
"Turn it around," says the bartender.
He bites into the other side, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Tonic.  Amazing!"
A third guy sits down.
"What can I get for you?" the bartender asks.
"Hmm, let me think"
The first guy says "Whatever you want, he has an apple that tastes just like it."
The guy says "Oh yeah, do you have one that tastes like pussy?"
The bartender plops down an apple in front of him.
He takes a bite, and spits it out, screaming "This tastes like SHIT"
"Turn it around" says the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a41wix/how_do_you_like_them_apples/
%
I'm great in bed

I can sleep for hours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a41wig/im_great_in_bed/
%
An Army commanding officer is talking to one of his troops.

"Why exactly did you send the Grenadine people explosives instead of the medical supplies we promised?"
"You said to send Gren aid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a41vin/an_army_commanding_officer_is_talking_to_one_of/
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Why did the stormtrooper call tech support for his laptop?

Because he had troubleshooting issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a41v3a/why_did_the_stormtrooper_call_tech_support_for/
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If somebody gives me one point, that's fine.

But if somebody gives me two points, that's where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a41uwr/if_somebody_gives_me_one_point_thats_fine/
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Little Johnny was walking to the bathroom late one night, and passing by his parents bedroom he see's his Father having sex with his Mother.

Totally rattled, little Johnny lets out a huge Gasp … Upon hearing the gasp, not stopping his Father looks at him, smirks and then chuckles at the shocked little boy. The next night on the way to the bathroom, the Father passes little Johnny's room, and when he looks in, he see's little Johnny having sex with his Grandma.
Upon seeing such a sight, the Father let out a huge gasp … Not missing a stroke, little Johnny looks up smilingly, and says “SEE, IT AIN'T SO FUCKING FUNNY WHEN ITS YOUR MOTHER!!”
< Credit: Gilbert Gottfried Bumping Mics >

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a41uwh/little_johnny_was_walking_to_the_bathroom_late/
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A drunk German and Russian are walking around town with a sober Brit

After a few too many, the group decides to head home but the two drunks can't seem to walk in a straight line, bumping into everything in sight as the Brit keeps them from hurting themselves. Fed up with babysitting them, the Brit decides to have some fun.
The German and Russian first bump into a Brick Wall, the Brit whispers to them, "Watch where you're going gits 'fore I crush you both."
The German and Russian run away in terror from the talking  Wall.
The German and Russian smash straight into a Mail Box as the Brit whispers, "I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I don't think you actually have anything to mail."
The German and Russian fumble off in a random direction from the sentient Mail Box.
The German and Russian finally ram straight into a Pole as the Brit whispers, "Oh God, not again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a41pc3/a_drunk_german_and_russian_are_walking_around/
%
How do stars die?

Usually an overdose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a41jmz/how_do_stars_die/
%
Tampax has announced they will replace the traditional tampon string with tinsel.

This will be for the Christmas period only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a41dly/tampax_has_announced_they_will_replace_the/
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Carl walked into the bar…

And ordered 3 beers. The Bartender asked “Are you sure you want all three now? They’ll be warm. I can give them one at a time if you’d rather?”
Carl replied, “My two brothers and I made a pact that whenever one of us drinks, we’d take two more at the same time for our siblings.”
The bartender and everyone else in the bar were touched by this sweet pact.
Years passed and Carl kept coming back and drinking his three bears.
One day Carl walked in and said in a quiet voice “Can I please have two beers?” The bar went silent.
The bartender said, “They’re on the house. I’m so sorry about the loss of your brother.”
Carl thought for a second and then replied: “My brothers are fine.”
The bartender asked, “So, why did you only order two beers?”
“Simple”, replied Carl. “I quit drinking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a41468/carl_walked_into_the_bar/
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What do you call an airship made up of lights?

An LED Zeppelin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a40xcv/what_do_you_call_an_airship_made_up_of_lights/
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Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."  The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."  Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.  The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too;  but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a40wt2/jack_a_handsome_man_walked_into_a_sports_bar/
%
A journalist asked a master programmer how he codes so fast.

"No comments."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a40u3e/a_journalist_asked_a_master_programmer_how_he/
%
What do Mexican snowmen eat?

Burrr-ritos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a40q8y/what_do_mexican_snowmen_eat/
%
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?

Now it is Times New Ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a40omv/did_you_hear_they_changed_the_font_of_alphabet/
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Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a40oam/neil_degrasse_tyson_stephen_hawking_and_bill_nye/
%
Why was Yoda bad at geometry?

Because to him there are no triangles, only do-or-do-not-angles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a40nxd/why_was_yoda_bad_at_geometry/
%
How many people subscribed to r/ jokes does it take to change a light bulb?

7
1 to get the light bulb, 1 to make a joke about getting a light bulb, 1 to put it in, 1 to make a joke about putting it in, 1 to make a joke about the situation,  me to repost the joke, and 1 to break the bulb so we can start farming for karma again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a40lr0/how_many_people_subscribed_to_r_jokes_does_it/
%
Ugh. They stopped selling "skin color" Crayons.

I guess I can still draw people when my Crayons run out, but albino more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a40ktr/ugh_they_stopped_selling_skin_color_crayons/
%
My neighbors have been keeping me awake by having loud, passionate sex every night this week.

Hopefully they get married soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a40jmz/my_neighbors_have_been_keeping_me_awake_by_having/
%
Starbucks announced they will soon block porn websites from their public access Wifi

Good thing all I need is that two-tailed mermaid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a40hqe/starbucks_announced_they_will_soon_block_porn/
%
What is the only cheese allowed at the Vatican?

Swiss, it's holy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a40f0v/what_is_the_only_cheese_allowed_at_the_vatican/
%
What's for dinner?

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response.”
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?” No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response so, He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“James, for the FIFTH time I’ve said, CHICKEN!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a40677/whats_for_dinner/
%
I feel uncomfortable watching a band pack up their gear after a show.

It's disconcerting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4028q/i_feel_uncomfortable_watching_a_band_pack_up/
%
More songs that need to be banned for Christmas

Since some folks have decided that “Baby it’s Cold Outside” should be banned and pulled from radio playlists, we feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well.
1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn; infidelity
2. The Christmas Song: Open fire? Pollution. Folks dressed up like Eskimos? Cultural appropriation
3. Holly Jolly Christmas: Kiss her once for me? Unwanted advances. Slavery of women
4. White Christmas? Racist
5. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom stalker
6. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Bullying
7. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: gender-specific gifts: dolls for Janice and Jen and boots and pistols for Barney and Ben - (a twofer: guns and bigotry)
8. Santa Baby: objectifies women, blackmail
9. Frosty the Snowman: Why not a snow woman?
10. Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired
11. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Make the yuletide GAY? Wow, just wow
12. Jingle Bell Rock: Giddy up jingle horse, pick up your feet: animal abuse
13. Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer: Come on the name says it all! Reckless driving, attempted murder, elder abuse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a4011i/more_songs_that_need_to_be_banned_for_christmas/
%
"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot."
"So you can knot?"
"No, I cannot knot."
"Not knot?"
"Who's there?"
"Fuck off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a400zx/can_you_tie_a_knot/
%
How do birds learn to fly?

They just wing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3zx49/how_do_birds_learn_to_fly/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I got called racist...

I'd be walking around with so much cash, I'd probably get mugged by some random black guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3zuxf/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_got_called/
%
Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships just don't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ztas/why_dont_some_couples_go_to_the_gym/
%
Why was the nice guy terrible at baseball?

He never got to third base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3znk7/why_was_the_nice_guy_terrible_at_baseball/
%
Whats the difference between an orchestra and a bull

On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3zgpg/whats_the_difference_between_an_orchestra_and_a/
%
I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps...

But don't worry, I'm slowly getting over it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3zdlh/ive_always_had_an_irrational_fear_of_speed_bumps/
%
A journalist asked the master programmer how he code so fast?

"No comments."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3zd0c/a_journalist_asked_the_master_programmer_how_he/
%
I made a belt out of watches.

I regret it so much. It was such a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3z8v4/i_made_a_belt_out_of_watches/
%
My buddy stuffed socks down his pants to impress women, but it didn’t work.

I need to tell him to move it to the front of the pants the next time around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3z776/my_buddy_stuffed_socks_down_his_pants_to_impress/
%
Have you heard about theoretical prostitutes?

They really blow my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3z4qt/have_you_heard_about_theoretical_prostitutes/
%
What did Santa say when he delivered presents at the Kardashians?

Ho ho ho!
I’m sorry I need help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3z325/what_did_santa_say_when_he_delivered_presents_at/
%
Two guys were walking home from work one afternoon.

“Shit,” said the first guy, “as soon as I get home, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties off!”.
“What’s the rush?” his friend asked.
“The fucking elastic in the legs is killing me,” the guy replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3z0uk/two_guys_were_walking_home_from_work_one_afternoon/
%
How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was without a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3yz0t/how_many_lesbians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What is the difference between India and USA?

An Indian would introduce himself as,"I grew up with 5 brothers and 3 sisters".
An American would say, "I grew up with 5 mothers and 3 fathers".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3yv80/what_is_the_difference_between_india_and_usa/
%
What did the hipster from Pompeii say to the archaeologist who discovered him?

"I was into volcanic ash before it was cool."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3yuht/what_did_the_hipster_from_pompeii_say_to_the/
%
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:
Ben is in a hurry.
Vs
Ben is in a coma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3yrom/commas_can_really_change_the_meaning_of_a_sentence/
%
What is a polar bear ?

It's a cartesian bear which changed its coordinates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3yps8/what_is_a_polar_bear/
%
Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ynvv/why_did_i_get_divorced/
%
Me and my wife were completely happy for 25 years...

then we met each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ynd9/me_and_my_wife_were_completely_happy_for_25_years/
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Nothing is better than infinite happiness; a pizza is better than nothing

Therefore a pizza is better than infinite happiness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ymc9/nothing_is_better_than_infinite_happiness_a_pizza/
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My dad said if I don’t turn the sound down he’ll bash my head against the keyboard

Like yeah right, as if hefjlaswoziO9&29;)@:7.99z:@&/8:0&0928/.7@]¥iwissjAodjslabdodbsisbkddmjsb vjzjHj&.8$.@-€>¥|\€\=|!.>|>usissbhx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3yljc/my_dad_said_if_i_dont_turn_the_sound_down_hell/
%
I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3yk03/i_was_passing_by_my_sons_bedroom_and_was/
%
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3yckf/hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
%
What's the odd one out?

A) washing machine
B) toaster
C) woman
D) freezer
Toaster, because that's the only one that doesn't drip when it gets fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ya88/whats_the_odd_one_out/
%
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.

Clooney said “I’ll direct.”
DiCaprio said “I’ll produce.”
McConaughey said “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3xv9w/george_clooney_leonardo_dicaprio_and_matthew/
%
I like my women how I like my bouncy houses...

Inflatable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3xkbh/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_bouncy_houses/
%
Blanket rules !

Me :  \*covers foot with blanket\*
Monster 1 : \*about to grab my foot anyway\*
Monster 2 : \*quickly pulling him back\*
NO. We have to respect the blanket Franklin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3xip5/blanket_rules/
%
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3xi6u/a_man_in_an_interrogation_room_says_im_not_saying/
%
I like my women like I like my toasters.

Turned on and in the tub with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3xg5f/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_toasters/
%
Study tip: Don't drink water while studying

Because water decreases concentration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3xevd/study_tip_dont_drink_water_while_studying/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
I'll see myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3x9o5/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
The other day I got hit with a can of soda

Thank god it was just a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3x46e/the_other_day_i_got_hit_with_a_can_of_soda/
%
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy

"I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3wy27/monica_walks_into_her_dry_cleaning_store_and/
%
The day after proposing to his girlfriend a young man arrives at the house of his betrothed for a visit and finds only her sister.

He is told the family will be along shortly, and he should wait inside.
The sister begins to flirt and tease, making the young man very uncomfortable. Eventually she stands up, removes her top and slowly walks to the back of the house, stopping only once to crook a finger at him before disappearing into a bedroom.
Finding himself alone, our young hero jumps up and sprints out the front door and makes it all the way to his car before he notices the rest of the family standing in the driveway. They are all grinning like idiots.
"Welcome to the family son!" Says the father and gives him a firm slap on the back.
What's the moral of this story?
All ways keep condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3wxo7/the_day_after_proposing_to_his_girlfriend_a_young/
%
I've started calling myself God

because I don't believe in myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3wrxf/ive_started_calling_myself_god/
%
If non Cristians and evil People go to hell,

It must be awkward to have Hitler there with all 6 million Jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3woa5/if_non_cristians_and_evil_people_go_to_hell/
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I got so drunk I tried to spank a statue last night.

It really hurts when you hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3w1yp/i_got_so_drunk_i_tried_to_spank_a_statue_last/
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I have a speed bump phobia...

I’m slowly getting over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3w016/i_have_a_speed_bump_phobia/
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What did one plane say to the other plane when it was leaving?

Biplane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3vwn3/what_did_one_plane_say_to_the_other_plane_when_it/
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Two comedians are reading posts on r/jokes.

One turns to the other and says "I've never seen this one before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3vtwv/two_comedians_are_reading_posts_on_rjokes/
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What is the female equivalent of "toxic masculinity?"

PMS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3vs9x/what_is_the_female_equivalent_of_toxic_masculinity/
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When I was little, they all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

No one is laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3vrfa/when_i_was_little_they_all_laughed_when_i_said_i/
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All nascar racers must be Democrats

Becuase all they do is go left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3vcmg/all_nascar_racers_must_be_democrats/
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Where did the oral sex addict go as soon as he got out of rehab?

The liquor store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3v5rv/where_did_the_oral_sex_addict_go_as_soon_as_he/
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Cockroaches are a lot like my dreams.

Everyone wants to crush them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3uzfv/cockroaches_are_a_lot_like_my_dreams/
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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3uxhj/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_runny_nose/
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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3uu1s/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_with_a/
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My dad went to prison

Now hes my parole model

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3utmr/my_dad_went_to_prison/
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Where do bees go to the bathroom?

At the BP station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ushs/where_do_bees_go_to_the_bathroom/
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How Long Is A Chinese Name

No, seriously, it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3us6z/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
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A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.”
“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3uq4x/a_guy_goes_into_a_lawyers_office_and_asks_the/
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Christmas joke

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3upkg/christmas_joke/
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A buddy of mine called last night to shoot the shit and he asked me, "So man how are things goin? You been gettin laid?"

Me: "Yeah man! Matter of fact I've been fuckin twins!"
Friend: "No shit?? Twins? Well how do you tell them apart?"
Me: "It's easy, Kim has red hair and Bob has a dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3uoru/a_buddy_of_mine_called_last_night_to_shoot_the/
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Do you know why they buried George H. W. In Houston instead of his beloved Kennebunkport?

Because it’s way too cold for planting Bushes in Maine..   told to me by my mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3uobt/do_you_know_why_they_buried_george_h_w_in_houston/
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You wanna know what’s not illegal in California?

Wildfires.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3uiam/you_wanna_know_whats_not_illegal_in_california/
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A Dublin man enters his local pub on a Friday night, takes a seat at the bar, and orders 3 pints of Guinness

He proceeds to take alternating sips from each glass until all 3 are empty, thanks the bartender,  pays his tab, and leaves.
This practice continues week after week until one evening when the bartender, curious about the man’s weekly ritual, says, “Sir, you’re one of my regulars here. If you’d like, I can serve you your pints one at a time, so that each one will be fresh. Whenever you finish one, I’ll have the next on hand for you.”
“You don’t understand,” says the man. “I’ve got 2 brothers: one in New York and one in Sidney. We made a pact a few weeks ago that we would each go into our local pub at the same every Friday and order 3 pints—one for ourselves, and one for each brother. That way, even though we’re oceans apart, it’s like we’re drinking together again. “
The bartender is moved by this sentiment and agrees to continue serving the pints according to the man’s wishes. That is, until one Friday, when the man walks in and only orders 2 pints. Assuming the worst, the bartender says to his patron, “I’m terribly sorry about your brother. Tell me, which one passed away?”
With a confused expression on his face, the man replies “Me brothers are fine. I just quit drinking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ufq0/a_dublin_man_enters_his_local_pub_on_a_friday/
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Courtroom

Next Door
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3udwb/courtroom/
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How many hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know either.
I have like 5 of them in my basement, but it's still dark down there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3tzk3/how_many_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call a Frenchman that likes anime?

A Ouiaboo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3tub7/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_that_likes_anime/
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How do you make a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until it's bill withers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ttqz/how_do_you_make_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
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How do you kill a blue elephant?

You shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
You squeeze its balls until it turns blue, then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3tpx9/how_do_you_kill_a_blue_elephant/
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The World’s Greatest Gambler

A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney.
The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you come into possession of this money?”
The man responds “I am the world’s greatest gambler, and I can prove it.”
“Is that so?” The judge asks incredulously
“Here, I’ll show you... I bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eye.”
“Okay, go for it.”
The man removes his glass eye and bites it. The judge is dejected, as he just lost $1000. Still, he’s not sold.
“That’s a good trick, but I’m not sure that makes you the world’s greatest gambler.”
“Alright... Double or nothing. I can bite my other eye.”
The judge reads the man’s face, and can clearly see that he’s not blind. He takes the offer... The man then removes his dentures and presses them down on his other eye. At this point, the judge is torn. The man is an excellent scam artist, without a doubt, but he doesn’t know if that’s enough for him to clear his charges. Plus, he just lost $2000 to him. The judge sits quietly for a moment. The man speaks up again “How about double or nothing again? I bet you that I can do a handstand on one side of your desk and pee into the wastebasket on the other side.” Obviously, this is wildly inappropriate behavior for a courtroom... But we’re talking about $2000. The judge looks back and forth across his desk a couple times, and decides there’s no way he could possibly pull this off. He agrees. So, the man walks up, does a handstand on his desk, and attempts to pee across the desk into the wastebasket. He doesn’t even come close to making it.
The judge exclaims “Yes!”
The man’s lawyer shouts “No!” And covers his face with his hands.
The judge asks “Wait, what’s wrong?”
The lawyer says “He bet me $10,000 he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3tpf5/the_worlds_greatest_gambler/
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How is a woman like a condom?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3tl9u/how_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
%
As i was walking down the road on a particularly hot day i noticed a rather large lady eating a watermelon in a dress with no underwear on...

I had to inquire. You exposing yourself to keep cool ? She replied "Nah nah, but it sure does keep the flies off the watermelon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3tinw/as_i_was_walking_down_the_road_on_a_particularly/
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I hate people that don’t understand the difference between “your” and “you’re”.

There so stupid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3te88/i_hate_people_that_dont_understand_the_difference/
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The Ultimate Blonde Joke

A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?'
The cop says, "You know - it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it".
The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hands it to the cop.
The cop looks at it, gives it back and says, "OK, you can go. I didn't know you were a cop".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3tcsf/the_ultimate_blonde_joke/
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What do you call an Irish man that smokes weed?

A baked potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3t9py/what_do_you_call_an_irish_man_that_smokes_weed/
%
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date...

Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3t5ob/a_good_girl_doesnt_kiss_until_the_third_date/
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My wife and i were very happy for almost 30 years.

then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3t5kf/my_wife_and_i_were_very_happy_for_almost_30_years/
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At The Immigration Desk

Do you speak English?.........  "Yes!“
Name?...... “Abdul al-Rhazib“
Sex?..... "Three to five times a week!“
No, no, I mean male or female?..... "Yes, male, female, sometimes camel…“
Holy cow!....... "Yes, cow, sheep, many animalsl“
But isn't that hostile?...... "Horse style, doggy style, any style!“
Oh dear!......  "No, no! Deer run too fast...“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3sy17/at_the_immigration_desk/
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Visiting the doctor

A woman and a baby were in  the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked her weight, saw it was a little low,
And  being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts  for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm her Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3swsk/visiting_the_doctor/
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I don't understand unemployed people

They make no cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3svy8/i_dont_understand_unemployed_people/
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3st89/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers.
Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons."
JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger,
"Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?"
"Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob.
"Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep"
JimBob considers for a moment, then says
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass - The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea."
"Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3sr03/a_redneck_and_an_annoying_stranger_are_sitting/
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George H.W. Bush made Jeb a pallbearer

So he could let him down one last time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3sp9l/george_hw_bush_made_jeb_a_pallbearer/
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I thought marijuana was the devil's lettuce

But now it's legal and Romaine is banned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3so4b/i_thought_marijuana_was_the_devils_lettuce/
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Doc, how long do I have to live?

Doctor: Ten
Me: Ten what? Years, months, weeks?
Doctor: Nine, Eight, Seven...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3sncb/doc_how_long_do_i_have_to_live/
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A man walks into a bar

he orders 4 shots of vodka. The Bartender, puzzled, asks him why he ordered that much
the man says: "I just found out that my son is gay"
the next day he comes back and orders 4 more shots the bartender asks the same thing again
the man says: "I just found out that my other son is gay too "
the next week he enters the bar and orders 4 more shots
the bartender says: "GOD DAMN IT ! does anybody in your family like women? "
the man says: "Yep, apparently my wife does"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3smp1/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says

"I'm going to become a vegan".
The other one says "me too"
The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny "
The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3slnm/two_cannibals_sat_by_a_fire_the_1st_one_says/
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Two guys are sitting at a bar and both have black eyes

They laugh about the situation, and one guy says to the other, “What happened to you?”
“Well”, he says, “I was at the airport and I go up to the counter to find this gorgeous, chesty woman working. And instead of saying, ‘Hi, I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘Hi, I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’, and she punched me in the eye. What happened to you?”, he asks the other man.
The second man replies, “I was sitting at the table with my wife having breakfast. I meant to ask her, ‘Honey, can you please pass the Post Toasties?’ But I accidentally said, ‘You’re ruining my life, you fucking bitch.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3sjza/two_guys_are_sitting_at_a_bar_and_both_have_black/
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My uncle was born without eyelids....

My uncle was born without eyelids but the doctor was pretty resourceful. He took his foreskin and made eyelids with it. My uncle is fine now, just a little cock eyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3sj4l/my_uncle_was_born_without_eyelids/
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What's a cows favorite activity?

Watching moovies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3si9n/whats_a_cows_favorite_activity/
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My hypoglycemic grandfather dropped his cup of raisins.

He lost his raisins to live.
First /r/jokes. Please be nice :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3sghl/my_hypoglycemic_grandfather_dropped_his_cup_of/
%
My wife has just got a job at the local sewage works.

I reckon she will be the best shit stirrer they have ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3sbz4/my_wife_has_just_got_a_job_at_the_local_sewage/
%
My childhood was like a game of chess.

My dad always beat me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3sbi0/my_childhood_was_like_a_game_of_chess/
%
Two men are sitting at a skyscraper's bar, heavily drunk.

The first man bets the second that because of the wind currents of tall buildings, you can jump right off the balcony and come back up unharmed.
The second says he's full of shit, and to try it himself if he's so sure.
The first man jumps.
Miraculously, he falls only to be lifted back up to the previous level.
The second man says, "Wow, you weren't kidding!" and leaps off, falling to his death.
The first man comes back to the bar, where the bartender says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3s8wf/two_men_are_sitting_at_a_skyscrapers_bar_heavily/
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I left my job at the helium factory

I refused to be spoken to in that tone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3s7kv/i_left_my_job_at_the_helium_factory/
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I got in touch with myself today.

That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3rt3k/i_got_in_touch_with_myself_today/
%
What do you call a gay man with gas?

A tooty fruity
(I'm sorry, coworkers)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3rq7n/what_do_you_call_a_gay_man_with_gas/
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So I've decided to take 2 of my loves and smash them together. The Beastie Boys and Virtual Reality...

You'll be able to experience some of the illest rhymes in VR!
And I'll call it Beastiality!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3rj6j/so_ive_decided_to_take_2_of_my_loves_and_smash/
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My wife said she'd love for us to go and see the Monkees reunion concert in Switzerland.

I thought she was joking.
Then I saw her face ........ Now I'm in Geneva..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3riog/my_wife_said_shed_love_for_us_to_go_and_see_the/
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A patient is visiting his therapist.

The therapist asks the man, “Were you bullied as a child?”
The man responds “No, Doc”.
The therapist pauses, jots down a note on her pad and asks “Oh. Did you have a different haircut, then?”,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3rh9v/a_patient_is_visiting_his_therapist/
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Why can't a woman ask her brother for help?

Because you cannot be a brother and assist her too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3rggm/why_cant_a_woman_ask_her_brother_for_help/
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We'll We'll We'll...

if it isn't another repost about auto correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3rgc3/well_well_well/
%
Life is like a game of chess

I don't know how to play chess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3rev0/life_is_like_a_game_of_chess/
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The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day

St. Peter tells them that there is only room for one more today and ask why they should get in.
Dolly takes off her top and says “see these breasts?  They are the best ones god ever created, surely they should be in heaven”
The Queen thinks for a moment and pulls out a bottle of Perrier water and starts douching.
St. Peter opens the gates and says “you may enter your majesty” and lets the queen in.
He turns back to a stunned Dolly, “sorry but a royal flush beats a great pair any day”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3rcty/the_queen_and_dolly_parton_die_on_the_same_day/
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Ye old merry jokes

There are 3 milk bottles outside of a castle. 2 are full, 1 is half full. What's the name of the king?
Phillip the 3rd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3r6l6/ye_old_merry_jokes/
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How do you offend a meth user?

Play them “All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3r3u9/how_do_you_offend_a_meth_user/
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I was once in a relationship with a blind girl. It was rewarding but challenging...

It took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qxa9/i_was_once_in_a_relationship_with_a_blind_girl_it/
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If a prostitute had sex with Bill Nye for free...

would that be considered donating your body to science?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qx7x/if_a_prostitute_had_sex_with_bill_nye_for_free/
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What do you feed a female horse after dark?

Nightmare fuel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qv0x/what_do_you_feed_a_female_horse_after_dark/
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My friend is an arms dealer. He has a Holiday sale right now where he's selling explosives for $1 each

It's a bang for your buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qtr0/my_friend_is_an_arms_dealer_he_has_a_holiday_sale/
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A Guy walks into a bar with an old doctors bag

Guy walks up to the bar and the bartender says, "Hey guy whats with the old doctors bag you got there"
Guy says, "Its a magic bag, it grants wishes"
Bartender, "No shit?"
Guy opens the bag and a 1 foot tall guy hops out with a mini piano and starts playing music
Bartender, "WOW! Thats incredible! Mind if I give it a shot?"
Guy, "Knock yourself out"
Bartender, "I wish for a thousan.... no a MILLION bucks"
The bar starts to violently shake and quack a duck falls from the ceiling, quack another duck, then another, then another.
Bartender, "What gives I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks!"
Guy, "and you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qrey/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_old_doctors_bag/
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A plane is losing altitude and must drop some extra weight.

A plane, mid flight, begins to lose altitude and is going down. The captain comes over the intercom and says, "the plane is going down so we're going to drop some luggage to reduce the weight. "
After doing so, the captain comes back on the intercom and says, "the plane is still going down, we're gonna send people off the plane alphabetically or we'll all die."
Captain - "We'll start with the A's. All African Americand must go." So they all jump off.
Captain - "We're still going down. Onto the B's. All blacks must go." They proceed to jump off
Captain - "No luck everybody. Onto the C's. All colored people jump off."
A little black boy looks at his dad and says, "Daddy, aren't we colored people?" The dad replies, "No son, today we're niggers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qq3r/a_plane_is_losing_altitude_and_must_drop_some/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus.

It only took one nail to hang the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qm55/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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I was talking a walk this afternoon when, out of nowhere, the pavement started viciously attacking me.

Fucking psycho path

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qkvz/i_was_talking_a_walk_this_afternoon_when_out_of/
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A duck farmer’s son

One day a duck farmer wanted to test his sons ability to sell a duck. He gave his son his healthiest duck and told him to go to town and get as much money as he could for the duck.
As the son was walking into town he came across the most beautiful lady he had ever seen! He asked the lady if she wanted the duck, and she offered to have sex with him in exchange for the duck. He accepted, and after they had finished she said he had been so good she would give him the duck back if he did it again.
So the son walked into town with a duck, but as he was crossing the street, he tripped, fell, and dropped the duck onto the road! The duck got hit by a car and died, but the driver offered the son 25$ for killing the duck.
When the son returned home his dad congratulated him on selling the duck. The son said
“You’ll never believe what happened dad! I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 bucks for a fucked up duck!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qknp/a_duck_farmers_son/
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A man with a little head

A guy walked into a bar and saw a guy sitting at the bar who was really really big, but he had a little head. This guy was scary and looked like a body builder, but had a tiny head.
So he went up and asked "Hey man, how'd you get such a little head?"
He responded:
"Well I met a mermaid once and she granted me three wishes."
"My first wish was to have all the money in the world, so I got it, I had a boat and everything I wanted."
"My second wish was to have all the women in the world, so I got that too. I was partying on my yacht with all the beautiful women I could ask for and having a great time."
The man asked "What was the third wish then?"
He replied "Well the mermaid said I had one wish left and I had pretty much all I wanted, so I asked if I could get a little head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qkdt/a_man_with_a_little_head/
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What does a stripper do with her asshole before going to the club?

Drops him off at band practice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qihl/what_does_a_stripper_do_with_her_asshole_before/
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A king is looking for a new chief advisor.

His choices are a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer.
His test is simple: Whoever can determine the volume of a red rubber ball will be the new chief advisor, provided his explanation makes sense to the king, and that the king can trust the calculation.
The physicist goes first. He explains, "Since no two objects can occupy the same physical space at the same time, by immersing this ball into a graduated cylinder partially filled with water, we can measure the difference in water level before and after immersion, and the difference will be the volume of the ball."
He does this, and the water level increases by 247 milliliters.
He proudly announces his result, and the king is impressed. The king says, "I understood that intuitively. Good job!"
The mathematician goes next.
He wraps a thread around the widest point of the ball, and announces that it has a diameter of just a hair under 8 centimeters. He goes to a chalkboard and writes "r=4"
Then on the chalkboard, he integrates (pi \*r^2 )/2 from 0 to 2\*pi, and announces that the formula for volume is (4/3)\*pi*r^3, gets out a slide rule, fiddles with it, and announces that the volume of the rubber ball is 265 milliliters.
The king says, "Well, you kind of lost me with the calculus, but I have faith that you know what you're doing."
The engineer goes last. He looks at the ball, and says, "This is Jenkins 2175-a red rubber ball." He fishes around in his jacket and pants pockets a bit, and comes up with a tech specs brochure.
"The Jenkins 2175-a has a volume of 250 milliliters."
Moral: Engineers just look stuff up.
My dad was an engineer, and he loved this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qi9w/a_king_is_looking_for_a_new_chief_advisor/
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Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qe76/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
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Did you hear about the zombie missionaries?

They blessed the brains down in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qcsb/did_you_hear_about_the_zombie_missionaries/
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If life gives you melons...

You're probably dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qbb1/if_life_gives_you_melons/
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My wife woke me up in the middle of the night in a panic. She said she heard something downstairs, so I got my baseball bat.

She doesn't wake me up in the night anymore.
I wonder how she's doing in hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3qaks/my_wife_woke_me_up_in_the_middle_of_the_night_in/
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What's the difference between women, and an exotic sports car?

I've been inside exotic sports cars......    :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3q81i/whats_the_difference_between_women_and_an_exotic/
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Which cheese is made backwards?

Edam is, naturally enough!
(shoot him Kurt)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3q6xy/which_cheese_is_made_backwards/
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What has 4 legs and a c*** half way up its back?

A police horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3q5in/what_has_4_legs_and_a_c_half_way_up_its_back/
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What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

With religion, the dude that started it is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3q3qe/whats_the_difference_between_a_religion_and_a_cult/
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What do you call a cow that masturbates

Beef jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3q3f4/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_masturbates/
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What is yellow and cant swim?

A bus full of children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3q364/what_is_yellow_and_cant_swim/
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Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3q2ds/apple_made_a_new_tablet_computer_catered_towards/
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I'll never forget the first time I saw my girlfriend undress

I thought, "my god, will this skylight support my weight?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3q1aq/ill_never_forget_the_first_time_i_saw_my/
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My bro said he put a condom on AFTER sex.

That's fucking out of order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3q0j2/my_bro_said_he_put_a_condom_on_after_sex/
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Why does the bison work out by himself?

He likes to get buffalone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3q0fp/why_does_the_bison_work_out_by_himself/
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A powerful witch once needed the blood of a true virgin to make a rare potion

She gets the blood of a person she assumes never had sex and gets their blood.
It doesn't work.
She tries another,
the potion still doesn't work.
Dismayed she uses a spell to get the blood of every person who's never had sex from the craziest of orthodox Christian damsels to the plumpest of neckbeards and runs another spell to make a potion out of each sample of blood.
None of the potions work.
Dismayed and mad she questions one of the people she got blood from whether they've ever fucked.
he then replies "not by a woman or man, but everybody's been fucked by life haven't they"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3py45/a_powerful_witch_once_needed_the_blood_of_a_true/
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It snowed last night...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby said it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3pxx9/it_snowed_last_night/
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Why is hot friendlier than cold?

Because heat waves but cold snaps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3pwkc/why_is_hot_friendlier_than_cold/
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Why did the T-rex get fired?

Sexual Jurassment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3pvgj/why_did_the_trex_get_fired/
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How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?

You wave to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ptym/how_do_you_get_a_onearmed_monkey_out_of_a_tree/
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You know what they say...

A repost a day keeps the new content away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3psry/you_know_what_they_say/
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What do you call a fan who dies with an erection ?

A die 'hard' fan.
PS - 1st joke here.I am sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3prof/what_do_you_call_a_fan_who_dies_with_an_erection/
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A wife wakes her husband in the middle of the night.

Her: "Honey, I have a question."
Him: "It's 2:30 in the morning, what do you want?"
Her: "If I died, would you remarry?"
Him: "What?... Well I hadn't really thought about it... I guess I would. Can we go to sleep now?"
Her: "I've got another question. If I died and you remarried, would you let her live in this house?"
Him: Well.... I guess so, I mean, it's got a good interest rate and moving is such a hassle."
Her: "So if I died and you remarried and let her live in our house, would you let her wear my clothes?"
Him: "Well... I'm not sure. I guess I would, there would be no sense in her having to buy a brand new wardrobe. Sweetie it's 2:30 in the morning, can we go back to sleep now?"
Her: "Just one more question. If I died, and you remarried, and let her live in our house, and let her wear my clothes, would you let her drive my sports car?"
Him: "Absolutely not! No way I would let her drive your sports car."
Her: "Well why not?"
Him: "She doesn't know how to drive a stick shift."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ppyt/a_wife_wakes_her_husband_in_the_middle_of_the/
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This guy is applying for a job and is asked what he thinks his worst quality is.

He responded, "Being brutally honest."
"Well, I don't think that's a 'worst' quality at all," scoffed the interviewer with a wave of the hand.
"Oh yeah, well I don't really give a fuck what you think!" exclaimed the guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3popw/this_guy_is_applying_for_a_job_and_is_asked_what/
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They say smoking is bad for you

But it cures salmon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3pnza/they_say_smoking_is_bad_for_you/
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I was telling my friend about an upcoming vietnamese Pho festival. He asked what kind of festival? I said, did I stutter!?

I know it's awful. Downvote accordingly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3pftn/i_was_telling_my_friend_about_an_upcoming/
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What’s the difference between jokes on this subreddit and a tampon?

The tampon doesn’t keep getting reused over and over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3pe6j/whats_the_difference_between_jokes_on_this/
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A lawyer gets on a bus, sits down, places his bag on the next sit and says:

I rest my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3pcd8/a_lawyer_gets_on_a_bus_sits_down_places_his_bag/
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Death in the Supermarket

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Warehouse. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.
(You're going to hate me for this..)
"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3pc7m/death_in_the_supermarket/
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Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?

Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3pbjf/why_do_polar_bears_only_live_at_the_north_pole/
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So three people are sentenced to death by guillotine.

First comes the bartender. The executioner asks if he has any last words, and the bartender exclaims "free drinks for all if God spares me!" The executioner pulls the lever and the blade stops before touching the bartender. The crowd considers this an act of God and successfully demand the bartender be freed.
Next comes the insurance broker. The executioner asks if he has any last words and the ~~sadist~~ insurance broker exclaims "free insurance for all if God spares me!" The executioner pulls the lever and the blade stops before touching the insurance broker. The crowd considers this an act of God and successfully demand he be freed.
Finally comes the engineer. The executioner asks if he has any last words and the engineer points to the guillotine saying "Yeah you got a nail sticking out where the blade is supposed to fall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3p353/so_three_people_are_sentenced_to_death_by/
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I finally figured out where that "programmers live in basements" myth comes from!

It's because they prefer to work in a non-Windows environment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3p2ic/i_finally_figured_out_where_that_programmers_live/
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My friend asked me to stop singing I'm a believer by the Monkees because she found it annoying. At first, I thought she was kidding...

but then I saw her face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3p0dd/my_friend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_im_a_believer/
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How does a demon workout?

He exorcises

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3oxo7/how_does_a_demon_workout/
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One morning a doctor is examining a young woman

As she takes her blouse off the doctor notices that there is a large "H" imprinted on her chest. The doctor asks about it and the young woman replies "my boyfriend is a graduate of Harvard. He's so proud of that fact that he never takes his college sweater off, even when we have sex."
The next day another young woman visits the doctor's office. During the examination, when she takes off her blouse the doctor notices a large "Y" imprinted on her chest. When the doctor inquires about it she replies "my boyfriend graduated Yale. He never takes off his college sweater, even when we have sex."
As luck would have it, the next day, while examining a third young woman, the doctor notices a large "M" imprinted on the young lady's chest. So the doctor asks "by any chance, do you have a boyfriend that graduated from the University of Michigan?" The young lady responds "no, but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3owks/one_morning_a_doctor_is_examining_a_young_woman/
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My wife's dog died yesterday, So I decided to cheer her up by buying an identical one...

Unfortunately instead of liking the gift, she cried and asked what is she going to do with two dead dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3oquq/my_wifes_dog_died_yesterday_so_i_decided_to_cheer/
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Why did the police search Santa's sleigh

They had probable Claus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3oqlg/why_did_the_police_search_santas_sleigh/
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You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving...

You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3olzn/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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If our ass was split horizontally

It would clap when we run down the stairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3okbs/if_our_ass_was_split_horizontally/
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Why didn't Hitler like golf?

He never got out of the bunker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3oj2o/why_didnt_hitler_like_golf/
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I came up with this a few years back.

Yo mommas’ so fat, the Death Star used her for target practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ohiy/i_came_up_with_this_a_few_years_back/
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No matter how much you push the envelope...

It’s stationary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3oao1/no_matter_how_much_you_push_the_envelope/
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When your nose goes on strike.....

Picket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3o9pk/when_your_nose_goes_on_strike/
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[NSFW] Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong socks today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3o8ek/nsfw_why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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Why did the unvaccinated child buy a motorcycle when he was 3 years old?

Midlife Crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3o7xb/why_did_the_unvaccinated_child_buy_a_motorcycle/
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Why was the king only one foot tall?

Because he was a ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3o6xf/why_was_the_king_only_one_foot_tall/
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Why is it a bad idea to put all your troubles in Jesus' hands?

Cuz he has holes in both of 'em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3nzen/why_is_it_a_bad_idea_to_put_all_your_troubles_in/
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What is better than a physics joke?

A meta physics joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3nsbn/what_is_better_than_a_physics_joke/
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How much sleep does a teenager need?

Just five more minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3nms0/how_much_sleep_does_a_teenager_need/
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T'was a wet and rainy Christmas eve...

...when santa landed on our roof.
The slippery condition were quite treacherous,
as a reindeer missed its hoof.
Santa and his reindeers came sliding down.
I would've laffed if it was a clown.
One by one, they got tangled in the lights,
and came crashing down in a puddle, including Santa in his tights.
Electrocuted; they were fried to a crisp,
before turning into ash and a smokey wisp.
Hearing the clatter my wife came running out,
"Did anyone survive?", but there wasn't a doubt.
I hugged my wife as i pulled her near
and replied with a sigh, "Just the rain-dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3njrw/twas_a_wet_and_rainy_christmas_eve/
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So this British couple adopt a German baby...

... and as it grows from a babe-in-arms, to a toddler, it never makes a sound.
As the child grows into a young boy, he stays silent and it gets to the point where his adopted parents are really worried.
As the boy gets older, he still never says a word.
Then one day, the family were eating their Sunday lunch and all of a sudden, the adopted German child, now aged 14 suddenly says in a thick German accent:
“Zis roast beef iz dry unt chewy!”
The parents are agog!
“W-w-what did you say?” Asks the flabbergasted mother.
“DONNER UNT BLITZEN WOMAN! I SAY ZAT DE ROAST BEEF IZ DRY UNT CHEWY!”
“My God!” Exclaims the father. “You can talk?!”
“OV COURSE UNT CAN TALKEN!” Screams the child at the top of his voice.
“Then why have you remained silent all these years?” Asks the father. “Why is this the first time you’ve ever said anything?”
“BECAUSE UP UNTIL NOW, EVERYZING HAZ BEEN SATISFACTORY!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3njdg/so_this_british_couple_adopt_a_german_baby/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill. "$3", says the bartender.
The man just for fun goes on and places $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated.
Next time, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table.
Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change".
The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ni46/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ncg2/does_anyone_know_if_its_possible_to_take_a_skin/
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Where does a velociraptor live?

Velocity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3nbci/where_does_a_velociraptor_live/
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(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.
Me: I know. I just want it on the record.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3n7je/at_court_me_your_honor_between_the_hours_of_10_pm/
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My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."
She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"
To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3n74y/my_wife_said_i_dreamed_they_were_auctioning_off/
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The Gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the women's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3n709/the_gift/
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Why don't anteaters ever get sick?

They're full of anty bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3n45t/why_dont_anteaters_ever_get_sick/
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A millennial walks into an executives office

The millennial says "Sir i would like a job."
The executive replies "Really.... How about $100k a year, corner office and a company car."
The millennial says "WOW YOU MUST BE JOKING!"
The executive says "yes, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3n2h0/a_millennial_walks_into_an_executives_office/
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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!"

She continues, "There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”
The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3n2cy/on_a_flight_back_from_russia_a_flight_attendant/
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Jack and the blonde

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said,  "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."  The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."  Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.  The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too;  but I didn't think he'd do it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3n0ob/jack_and_the_blonde/
%
I’m great at pulling out! Just ask my kids…

Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3mxp8/im_great_at_pulling_out_just_ask_my_kids/
%
Mommy, mommy, christmas tree is burning!

Sweetie, the christmas tree is lit, not burning.
Mommy, the carpet and curtains are now lit too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3mt43/mommy_mommy_christmas_tree_is_burning/
%
My grandma changed her hair colour while taking a nap...

She dyed peacefully in her sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3mpc6/my_grandma_changed_her_hair_colour_while_taking_a/
%
-Santa's sleigh was hit by a car. Several deers died. What is left?

-The remaindeer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3mj92/santas_sleigh_was_hit_by_a_car_several_deers_died/
%
What do you call a ballistic device that only fires birds?

A catapoultry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3mi9o/what_do_you_call_a_ballistic_device_that_only/
%
TIL Christian bands have a favourite chord.

G sus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3mgqd/til_christian_bands_have_a_favourite_chord/
%
A man receives a call from a hospital...

"Come quickly, you're now a dad of a boy who can fly!"
The man rushes to the hospital and is greeted by a doctor holding a baby...
"I received a call about a flying boy, where can I see him?"
The doctor smiles and says: "This is the boy, check it yourself!"
Within seconds, the doctor throws the baby out of the window.
The man starts to choke the doctor: "HE WASN'T ABLE TO FLY HE'S DEAD NOW!"
The doctor, laughing harder than ever tells the man: "Just kidding! He was born dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3me7b/a_man_receives_a_call_from_a_hospital/
%
What did a kid with no hands get for christmas?

Mittens!
Just kidding he's still trying to open it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3mcub/what_did_a_kid_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
%
Why was the job market in ancient Egypt so shitty?

It was full of pyramid schemes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3mcc1/why_was_the_job_market_in_ancient_egypt_so_shitty/
%
Why did Hitler kill himself?

He saw the gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3m2si/why_did_hitler_kill_himself/
%
What did one boat sayed to the other?

Are we up for a little row-mance?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3lznk/what_did_one_boat_sayed_to_the_other/
%
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were out fishing one day when Thibodeaux started thinkin.

“Ay, Boudreaux, why come dem scuba divaahs alway fallin backwahds into da watah?” Boudreaux squinted at Thibodeaux and shook his head.  “Cauz if dey fell fo-wad, Thibodeaux, dey’d still be in da boat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3lybb/boudreaux_and_thibodeaux_were_out_fishing_one_day/
%
What's the difference between a regular toad and a horny toad?

A regular toad says ribbit ribbit. A horney toad says rubbit rubbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3lwje/whats_the_difference_between_a_regular_toad_and_a/
%
I finally got a girlfriend

If only I could post this in any other sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3lwdx/i_finally_got_a_girlfriend/
%
How do you separate the men from the boys in Ancient Greece?

With a crowbar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3luc7/how_do_you_separate_the_men_from_the_boys_in/
%
They laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up.

Well, no one’s laughing now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3lngs/they_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_be_a/
%
Did you know the Moon is more useful than the Sun?

We need the light more at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3lbom/did_you_know_the_moon_is_more_useful_than_the_sun/
%
As much as I hate English grammar..

It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3lb3b/as_much_as_i_hate_english_grammar/
%
A man is new to town and heads into a bar on a Monday afternoon.

He’s chatting with the bartender, tips well and seems to have found his new watering hole. At 3 o’clock exactly he orders three shots of whiskey, kicks them back and then leaves the bar to go on about his day.
The next Monday the same thing happens, he comes in and at exactly 3 pm: orders three whiskeys, drinks them, tips well, goes on with his day. Before he leaves the barkeep asks him, “I don’t mean to be rude, but why do you take 3 shots every Monday at 3?”
“Oh, my two older brothers are real shits - but we don’t live near each other. So wherever we are, we all take a moment and drink to each other.”
The same tradition continues for weeks, without fail. Then one day he comes in and orders two shots.
The next week, only two. The week after that, only two.
The bartender doesn’t want to overstep but says, “hey man, I’m sorry about whatever happened to your brother.”
“What are you talking about? My brothers are fine, I quit drinking three weeks ago!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3l6oz/a_man_is_new_to_town_and_heads_into_a_bar_on_a/
%
What is the best-looking chemical compound?

Copper (II) telluride.
It's CuTe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3l422/what_is_the_bestlooking_chemical_compound/
%
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, because he's not a full essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3kx8p/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
How are homophobes just like gay people?

They're both fucking assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3kv7z/how_are_homophobes_just_like_gay_people/
%
A guy asked a lawyer how much he charged for two questions...

"500 dollars. What is the second?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3kq8g/a_guy_asked_a_lawyer_how_much_he_charged_for_two/
%
A big moron and a little moron are walking by a cliff. The big moron falls off. Why doesn't the little moron fall too?

Because he's a little more on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3kpbp/a_big_moron_and_a_little_moron_are_walking_by_a/
%
Is it possible to give a skin-graft from your buttocks to somebody that isn’t family?

Ass-skin for a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3khjz/is_it_possible_to_give_a_skingraft_from_your/
%
I asked my girlfriend...

...if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.
She said, "Ooh, yes!"
I said, "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3k52z/i_asked_my_girlfriend/
%
Any Schumer is to comedy as Mariah Carey is to

Comedy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3jxsv/any_schumer_is_to_comedy_as_mariah_carey_is_to/
%
What does a nosy pepper do?

It gets jalapeno business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3jxo8/what_does_a_nosy_pepper_do/
%
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?

Plastic Explosives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3jvri/if_a_is_for_apple_and_b_is_for_banana_then_what/
%
Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3jtas/had_a_chick_pull_a_knife_out_on_me_and_tried_to/
%
Blonde logic...

A man walks into a sports bar. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV as the 10:00 news comes on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looks over and says “Do you think he'll jump?"
The guy says, "You know what, I bet he will."  The blonde replies, "Well, I bet he won't."  The fella puts $50 on the bar and says “You're on!"
Just as the blonde places her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge dives off of the building, falling to his death.  The blonde was very upset and hands her $50 to the guy saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
He replies, “I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde says, "I did too;  but I didn't think he'd do it again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3jt0x/blonde_logic/
%
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3jmgt/what_has_four_legs_is_big_green_fuzzy_and_if_it/
%
What did the Muslim pirate say when his sister asked if he was a terrorist?

Aye, sis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3jkxi/what_did_the_muslim_pirate_say_when_his_sister/
%
Chocolate is female

It uses her/she pronouns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3jksg/chocolate_is_female/
%
What did Hitler say when he was forced to mingle with people of other races?

“Ach, this is out of Mein Kampfert zone!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3jkq4/what_did_hitler_say_when_he_was_forced_to_mingle/
%
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3jirl/what_kind_of_shoes_do_ninjas_wear/
%
What is the loneliest swamp in Louisiana?

Bayou Self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3j8ls/what_is_the_loneliest_swamp_in_louisiana/
%
Hitler went to see a clairvoyant

In the mid-stages of the Second World War, Adolph Hitler felt that his plans were getting bogged down, so he went to see a clairvoyant.
"When will I rule the entire world?", he asked.
The clairvoyant consulted her crystal ball, looked at the tarot, double-checked his birthday and astrological charts... "I'm sorry Mein Fuhrer, but you will die before you rule the world."
"What?  No, I will rule the world!"
The clairvoyant double-checked, and repeated her answer.
"Okay then, at least tell me when I will die."
She looked into the crystal ball, and stated confidently "You will die on a Jewish holiday".
"Which one?"
"I do not know, but *any* day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3j7qz/hitler_went_to_see_a_clairvoyant/
%
Two wives go out for a girls night out.

Two wives go out for girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home, and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her underwear, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties." the other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station- we'll never forget you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3j4ys/two_wives_go_out_for_a_girls_night_out/
%
My wife demanded a divorce after seeing her name written in the snow with pee.

I didn't think she'd recognize her sister's handwriting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3j305/my_wife_demanded_a_divorce_after_seeing_her_name/
%
What do you call a group of non-monogamous bloodsucking government workers?

Poly-ticks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ixck/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_nonmonogamous/
%
Just dropped my phone in mayo

What the helmann?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3is2v/just_dropped_my_phone_in_mayo/
%
Telephone rings, woman answers.

Pervert, breathing heavily, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have,
He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3is0u/telephone_rings_woman_answers/
%
After all these years my wife still thinks I’m sexy.

Every tIme I walk by she says “what an ass”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3irgq/after_all_these_years_my_wife_still_thinks_im_sexy/
%
Did you see the obituary for the guy who killed himself?

His name was Patrick Kilpatrick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ik37/did_you_see_the_obituary_for_the_guy_who_killed/
%
The Safari Guide

There once was a safari guide in Africa, and one day he was leading a tour through the grasslands when he encounters an elephant standing on three legs. He watches this elephant for a minute and it doesn't move. He decides to investigate. Leaving his tour behind he approaches the animal slowly, as to not disturb him. When he gets close enough he sees a small thorny branch stuck in the elephants front right foot, and ever so carefully he pulls it out. The elephant lets out a holler and put his foot down, realizing he can walk with little pain, the animal goes on its way, and the tour guide on his.
Several months later the tour guide is going through the San Diego Zoo while on vacation, as he passes the elephant enclosure he notices an elephant looking at him.
"You look familiar..." He says. The elephant does not reply, for he cannot speak, but he stares back. after a moment of staring, the elephant raises his front right foot.
"It's you!!" the safari guide exclaims as he hops into the enclosure without a second thought. He runs up to the elephant with joy in his heart, ready for a loving embrace! And in a single smooth motion the elephant tramples him. For it was not the same elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ihu3/the_safari_guide/
%
I put my vape on a necklace

Juulery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ig56/i_put_my_vape_on_a_necklace/
%
I've been learning about the Dunning-Kruger Effect lately.

Not to brag, but I'm pretty sure I'm an expert in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ido9/ive_been_learning_about_the_dunningkruger_effect/
%
What do you call a cold jalapeño?

A chili pepper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3iah3/what_do_you_call_a_cold_jalapeño/
%
How Long is a Chinese name?

Yes it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3i9sz/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
%
My drunk friend was kicked out of Karaoke for singing “Danger Zone” 7 times in a row.

He exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3i5x2/my_drunk_friend_was_kicked_out_of_karaoke_for/
%
My dad died after no one could remember his blood type for a transfusion

As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3hvli/my_dad_died_after_no_one_could_remember_his_blood/
%
What do you call it when a musician makes $1000 in one night?

A robbery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ho7m/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_musician_makes_1000_in/
%
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3hijp/what_do_you_call_a_musician_without_a_girlfriend/
%
I was in math class and my teacher asked "what comes after 69?"

Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3h9ru/i_was_in_math_class_and_my_teacher_asked_what/
%
I got talking to an African girl the other day in her native language

For hours we just clicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3h6a5/i_got_talking_to_an_african_girl_the_other_day_in/
%
How do you call someone with two asses?

Biased

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3h0ut/how_do_you_call_someone_with_two_asses/
%
INTERVIEWER: "According to your resume you can't read."

ME: "Thanks, what else does it say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3gys3/interviewer_according_to_your_resume_you_cant_read/
%
Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing?

They're always dropping their needles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3gykv/why_are_christmas_trees_bad_at_sewing/
%
I wish my grass was depressed

So it would cut itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3gybm/i_wish_my_grass_was_depressed/
%
Why did the lighter blush?

Because it saw a cigarette butt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3gxmk/why_did_the_lighter_blush/
%
Where do priests get their Holy water from?

It's just regular tap water but they boil the hell out of it first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3gvgr/where_do_priests_get_their_holy_water_from/
%
A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors

And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”
Immediately five people stand up and all say “I’m not a doctor but...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3gtas/a_plane_is_full_of_a_bunch_of_redditors/
%
US Olympic skier Peekaboo Street once worked at a hospital.

She was fired on her first day because she kept answering the phone "Peekaboo, ICU".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3gqls/us_olympic_skier_peekaboo_street_once_worked_at_a/
%
Two condoms were walking down the street

They passed a gay bar, one turned to the other and said, "Hey, you wanna get shit faced?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3govt/two_condoms_were_walking_down_the_street/
%
Some guy entered a library and asked librarian:

\-"Can I get a book about suicide?"
Librarian said:
\-"Yeah, but who is gonna give it back?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3gn1v/some_guy_entered_a_library_and_asked_librarian/
%
When under pressure, just start counting in spanish

It undo stres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3gmxw/when_under_pressure_just_start_counting_in_spanish/
%
Working in Porn for free sex is like working in Chipotle for free buritos

Yeah you're getting paid but it destroys your asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3glam/working_in_porn_for_free_sex_is_like_working_in/
%
Why don't anteaters get sick?

Because they are full of anty bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3gj37/why_dont_anteaters_get_sick/
%
If at first you dont succeed

Skydiving probably isnt for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3gipd/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
A man stands in front of a good truck and reads the menu

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3gag5/a_man_stands_in_front_of_a_good_truck_and_reads/
%
How many humans does it take to save Earth from climate change?

None, and only none.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3gaf5/how_many_humans_does_it_take_to_save_earth_from/
%
After a couple had finished having sex, the wife turned to her husband and said, "Darling, if we are going to have a child, what should we call it?"

Her husband, after taking off his condom, tying it into a knot and flushing it down the toilet, says, "Well if it can escape that, then we can call it Houdini."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3g6z4/after_a_couple_had_finished_having_sex_the_wife/
%
The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3g4ra/the_us_government_took_no_shave_november_quite/
%
How do you trick a pervert into looking at something?

Easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ftvk/how_do_you_trick_a_pervert_into_looking_at/
%
Everyone says Asians are bad at driving

I'm starting to think pearl harbour was an accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3frni/everyone_says_asians_are_bad_at_driving/
%
I met a Chinese-American construction worker the other day.

His name is Bill Ding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3fef0/i_met_a_chineseamerican_construction_worker_the/
%
Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can't stand fast food.
It's my first post on Reddit. Hope you like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3f8gx/why_do_the_french_like_to_eat_snails_so_much/
%
Beer versus Religion

Top Ten Reasons
Beer is better than Religion
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over their brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying that Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3f44x/beer_versus_religion/
%
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3f2v2/what_do_you_call_a_witch_that_only_eats_sand/
%
My 10 year old son just told me this: If you're American when you go in the bathroom, and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, then what are you IN the bathroom?

You're A Peein'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3f252/my_10_year_old_son_just_told_me_this_if_youre/
%
Courtesy of my 11yo - where do sheep go on vacation?

The Baaaaa-hamas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3f0s5/courtesy_of_my_11yo_where_do_sheep_go_on_vacation/
%
Why do auctioneers say "Going once... Going twice..."?

More-bid curiousity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3f05j/why_do_auctioneers_say_going_once_going_twice/
%
Did you know that you can determine an ant's gender by putting it in water?

If it sinks... girl ant.
If it floats... boyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ez79/did_you_know_that_you_can_determine_an_ants/
%
Someone donates a kidney and is loved and appreciated...

But when I donate 5 kidneys I get arrested...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3evle/someone_donates_a_kidney_and_is_loved_and/
%
I’ve been married for 30 years, but it only feels like 15 minutes ...

... underwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3etqj/ive_been_married_for_30_years_but_it_only_feels/
%
Friend told me this joke today.. a rich man and a poor man are discussing presents for their wives..

“What are you going to get your wife?” Asks the poor man.
“Easy”, he says, “I’ll get her a diamond ring and a Ferrari”.
“Why both?”
“Well if she doesn’t like the ring we can drive to the store to exchange it, driving in the Ferrari so it’s a win win” says the rich man.
“Ah I see” says the poor man, “well in that case I’m gonna get a dildo along with the slippers I bought my wife today”
“Why the dildo?” Asks the rich man.
“Well if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3esfl/friend_told_me_this_joke_today_a_rich_man_and_a/
%
A sloth was robbed by three turtles

When they police showed up they asked, “What did they look like ?”
The sloth replied   “ I don’t know, it all happened so fast”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3erk6/a_sloth_was_robbed_by_three_turtles/
%
I like to call random numbers and ask whoever answers if it’s the suicide hotline.

When they say no I yell, “GOD DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3eqob/i_like_to_call_random_numbers_and_ask_whoever/
%
I really like my ceiling fan

It may not be the best in the world..but it’s definitely up there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3eluc/i_really_like_my_ceiling_fan/
%
Worrying about money kept me up at night. My mom told me to put my money in my mattress because you can’t trust banks.

So I bought a $100k mattress and now I sleep like a baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3el1x/worrying_about_money_kept_me_up_at_night_my_mom/
%
Is google male or female?

Female because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3eig4/is_google_male_or_female/
%
Group work can be tough...

I'm taking European history for a 'social studies' credit. Closer to the end of the semester we had a group project and my group ended up with the united kingdom as our topic. Almost immediately we ran into problems though because everyone was against group work and organizing this was growing ever increasingly difficult. Time goes on and as the due date is getting closer, no work has been done. I finally snap and invite them all over for "English themed drinks" (tea) and eventually the rest of my group agrees. This was a really good idea as we very quickly worked out exactly what was needed to be done and we got it done well. It was almost as if overnight we had become tea-mates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3edcj/group_work_can_be_tough/
%
Post Malone died this morning

Thank God his new album Post Mortem is coming out soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ecot/post_malone_died_this_morning/
%
I get more attention on my reddit cake day than I do on my real birthday

Wait that's not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3e8am/i_get_more_attention_on_my_reddit_cake_day_than_i/
%
He isn't that funny.

Did you hear about the man that tells jokes backwards?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3e6bu/he_isnt_that_funny/
%
Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?

He was picking his nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3e3pi/why_was_the_snowman_looking_through_a_pile_of/
%
Why was the archaeologist depressed?

Because his life was in  ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3e1og/why_was_the_archaeologist_depressed/
%
Doctor: “I’m afraid that it was a severe allergy that led to you suffering an anaphylactic shock.”

Patient: “Enough medical mumbo-jumbo doc. Just give it to me in a nutshell.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3e0ai/doctor_im_afraid_that_it_was_a_severe_allergy/
%
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night

When behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER
FASTER
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.
However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking
Clapity-BUMP...
Clapity-BUMP...
Clapity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him
A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...
The coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3dyur/a_man_is_walking_home_alone_late_one_foggy_night/
%
What do you get when you cross Ted Kennedy with Harry Potter?

Chappaquidditch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3dwz9/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_ted_kennedy_with/
%
Classic Brexit Joke

How many Conservatives does it take to install a lightbulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the others to screw it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3durl/classic_brexit_joke/
%
What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

A cherry float.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3du0k/what_do_you_call_a_virgin_on_a_water_bed/
%
Whats a dyslexic zombie's favourite food?

Brians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3dt54/whats_a_dyslexic_zombies_favourite_food/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3dszz/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3dsph/what_gets_longer_when_pulled_fits_between_breasts/
%
Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?

A prostitute, because she can wash her crack and sell it again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3dp65/who_makes_more_money_a_drug_dealer_or_a_prostitute/
%
A gorgeous woman with a sensual ass was in bed with her lover..

..when she heard her husband open the main door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with some cookies and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3dm8k/a_gorgeous_woman_with_a_sensual_ass_was_in_bed/
%
What’s the benefits of fingering a gypsy on her period

Yew get your palm read for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3dgjf/whats_the_benefits_of_fingering_a_gypsy_on_her/
%
Confession

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I used the F word this morning on the golf course."
"Tell me, my son, what were the circumstances that put you under such extreme provocation?"
"I drove my tee shot three hundred yards, but the wind suddenly caught it and it landed in the rough."
"I can appreciate your disappointment. I am a golfer myself."
"No,  that's not it, Father, I hit a beautiful shot out of the rough. It  dropped about ten yards short and rolled into a sand trap."
"Now", said the Priest, "I can really understand you using the F word."
"No,  Father. I pulled out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot, In fact, the ball hit the pin and bounced two inches from the hole."
"Is that where you used the F word?"
"No, Father."
"Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3dft2/confession/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a battery?

A battery has a positive side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ddgh/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
A pair of Amish girls visiting NYC decide to try hot dogs for the first time

They buy two hot dogs wrapped in foil from a street vendor and sit down on a nearby bench, excited to finally try this modern cuisine.
The first girl opens the foil, blushes with embarrassment, and shyly asks the second girl, "What part of the dog did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3dd1i/a_pair_of_amish_girls_visiting_nyc_decide_to_try/
%
The Good Wife

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a  king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"P!ss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, screw him," said the husband.
"I did, and you got back your job this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3dct2/the_good_wife/
%
Why Humpty Dumpty so impartial about Christmas?

Because he's eggnostic...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3dbw6/why_humpty_dumpty_so_impartial_about_christmas/
%
Abdul, the Indian wife beater, hits his wife every night at 7 PM

On the dot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3dbqz/abdul_the_indian_wife_beater_hits_his_wife_every/
%
My marriage counselor told me to try anything my wife wants to do for at least 10 minutes.

So she asked me to hold my breath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3dabu/my_marriage_counselor_told_me_to_try_anything_my/
%
What happens when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?

A-flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3da9w/what_happens_when_you_throw_a_piano_down_a/
%
Disclaimer: Original joke from an almost 5 year old.

What does a fat turkey say?
Wobble Wobble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3d7rz/disclaimer_original_joke_from_an_almost_5_year_old/
%
Why is there only 25 letters in the alphabet at Christmas?

Noel....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3d6hy/why_is_there_only_25_letters_in_the_alphabet_at/
%
A fisherman walks into /r/jokes...

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing.
The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod."
"Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before."
"No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman.
The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC.
The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish."
"Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street".
"No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'.
"Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time".
"No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes."
The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?"
The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?"
The fisherman nods.
The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense.
He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?"
The fisherman says "I can't answer that here".
The bartender asks "Why not?"
The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3d5pe/a_fisherman_walks_into_rjokes/
%
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3d5l7/when_i_was_5_years_old_i_got_a_coal_from_santa/
%
My grandpa has a heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3d3q6/my_grandpa_has_a_heart_of_a_lion/
%
What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3d3g4/what_was_steven_hawkings_last_words/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room

He said: Thanks
I said: Don’t mention it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3cxkn/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
Boyfriend asks Girlfriend

B: "If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?"
G: "NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?"
B: "I would also stay with your sister"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3cr9r/boyfriend_asks_girlfriend/
%
What type of key opens a banana?

A monkey.
Please help me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3cl01/what_type_of_key_opens_a_banana/
%
If you want to change the world, do it while you're single

Once you're married you can't even change the TV channel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ce7v/if_you_want_to_change_the_world_do_it_while_youre/
%
How do you turn milk into cheese?

Put it in solid dairy confinement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ce3t/how_do_you_turn_milk_into_cheese/
%
How do you get a Blonde to commit suicide?

You put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3cddf/how_do_you_get_a_blonde_to_commit_suicide/
%
A romantic Xmas shopping trip

A husband and wife go shopping for Xmas presents. After a couple of hours of scouring the shelves at the big department store, the wife realised she couldn’t see her husband anywhere. She phoned him to find out where he is.
&nbsp;
*“Sorry dear, I wanted to go and get you a surprise Xmas present”* explains her husband.
&nbsp;
*”Oh that’s ok darling, where are you now”* says the wife, pleased her husband could be so thoughtful.
&nbsp;
*”well do you remember the jewellers where you saw that $10,000 diamond ring that I said I might get for you one day?”* husband says.
&nbsp;
The wife, getting a little emotional, says with her voice breaking a little bit *”oh darling yes I do”*
&nbsp;
*”Great!”* says the husband. *”I’m in the pub next door to that”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3c9ui/a_romantic_xmas_shopping_trip/
%
My buddy works at a call center

and he says that everyone's always trying to outdo each other in how many calls they can make in a given time. It's even gotten to the point where small teams have formed in different sections of the office. It sounded weird, but who am I to judge him and his call leagues?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3c8p2/my_buddy_works_at_a_call_center/
%
Dream

I dreamt of drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night....
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3c309/dream/
%
My girlfriend is a pornstar.

Should I let her know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3c24d/my_girlfriend_is_a_pornstar/
%
A man goes to the doctor...

Man: "Doctor, my wife is pregnant but I
always use protection! How is this possible?"
Doctor: "Let me tell you a story.
There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day, he went for a walk and mistakenly took his umbrella instead of his gun. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him.
In order to scare the lion, the hunter raised the umbrella like a gun and shot the lion. The lion died!"
Man: "That's bullshit! Someone else must've shot the lion."
Doctor: "I rest my case."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3c0ip/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
The day after a young couple had returned from their honeymoon

....the bride called her mother in a panic.
"Whats the matter dear? Was the honeymoon dreadful?"
"No, but oh, mama! As soon as we got home, he started using the most horrible language! Horrible four-letter-words!"
"Darling, shh." Her mother said. "Calm down and tell me what was so awful."
"Oh Mama, it's so embarrassing," the still-sobbing bride said. "He used words like *cook, iron, wash, dust!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3by33/the_day_after_a_young_couple_had_returned_from/
%
It's all shits and giggles ...

until someone giggles and shits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3bxtc/its_all_shits_and_giggles/
%
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3bxgz/how_do_you_turn_a_fox_into_an_elephant/
%
Friend just told me this one

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3bxcn/friend_just_told_me_this_one/
%
The prostate is like the Enigma code

It takes a gay man to understand it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3bx4e/the_prostate_is_like_the_enigma_code/
%
A man was working at a boat supply shop

He was a salesman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3bw8n/a_man_was_working_at_a_boat_supply_shop/
%
A man and a woman were walking in a park

They started arguing about whether it was raining or not. To settle the debate, they decided to ask a communist named Rudolph sitting near by. Upon asking, Rudolph told them that it was raining. "See I told you", the husband says."Rudolph the red knows rain,dear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3bv3o/a_man_and_a_woman_were_walking_in_a_park/
%
Big shot lawyer drives by a homeless man eating grass

A big shot lawyer drives his jaguar by a homeless man in the park, kneeling on the ground, eating the grass.
Lawyer stops, rolls down the window and says "My friend, get up off the ground and get in, you're coming to eat at my place!"
The homeless man is touched but says "I can't go, I can't abandon my family, my wife and kids are further down the park, eating grass too"
"Go get them" the lawyer says "you're all coming to eat at my place!"
The homeless man and his family get in the car, crying with emotion "You're an angel, sir. You are very generous"
"Absolutely no problem. We're gonna go to my house, you guys are going to love it, the grass is way bigger there, you'll have a feast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3btwc/big_shot_lawyer_drives_by_a_homeless_man_eating/
%
I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3bsra/i_recently_was_told_that_a_deceased_relative_left/
%
Why can't you trust people without fingers?

they can't be counted on.
Sorry if this isn't OC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3bral/why_cant_you_trust_people_without_fingers/
%
What's the shortest biography you can write for a convicted murderer?

A life sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3bqsn/whats_the_shortest_biography_you_can_write_for_a/
%
I Started dating a disabled woman a few weeks ago and decided to spice things up a notch

So we ended up going to the Park at Night to have sex
She says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."
before she can even climax we we're spotted by a bunch of park rangers.
sadly to say, i just left her hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3bj7h/i_started_dating_a_disabled_woman_a_few_weeks_ago/
%
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3bi48/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_knows_where_her/
%
My grandpa is still mad at the Japanese for Pearl Harbor.

I had to explain to him that it was the Americans who made that movie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3be9v/my_grandpa_is_still_mad_at_the_japanese_for_pearl/
%
A good ole boy from the south...

...got married.
His parents were sitting at home on his wedding night when suddenly he burst thru the door.
daddy asked "son, why are you here? you're supposed to be with your wife."
he says, "daddy we were getting ready to go to bed and my new wife said "be gentle, I'm still a virgin" so I ran here."
Daddy said, "you did the right thing son, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain't good enough for ours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3bc7u/a_good_ole_boy_from_the_south/
%
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes...

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they are given their lives back.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
Slurring his words out of a misshapen mouth, he says "I want to be gorgeous,"
And so God snaps His fingers, and -boom!- he’s gorgeous.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line hears everyone else’s wish and starts laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3bakv/a_bus_carrying_only_ugly_people_crashes/
%
A superhero arrives in a village.

The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3b7vg/a_superhero_arrives_in_a_village/
%
My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3b4pe/my_wife_just_called_me_and_said_three_of_the/
%
In adultery there are no winners

But taking part is more important than winning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3b4du/in_adultery_there_are_no_winners/
%
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3b358/within_minutes_the_detective_knew_exactly_what/
%
I dropped my new girlfriend off after our first date.

She said she hoped I didn't expect sex or a blow job off her so soon after meeting .
She said she liked to make a guy wait at least six months before doing stuff like that .
I said "I totally understood and respected her decision on that kind of thing, and would give her a ring in 6 months time".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3b23f/i_dropped_my_new_girlfriend_off_after_our_first/
%
Mother-in-law says to her daughter-in-law "I don't mean to offend you, but my grandson looks nothing like my son".

Daughter-in-law replies, "I've got a fanny between my legs, not a fucking photocopier".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3b20h/motherinlaw_says_to_her_daughterinlaw_i_dont_mean/
%
University: just the same as being unemployed.

But your parents are proud of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3b1v5/university_just_the_same_as_being_unemployed/
%
My friend asked me "What rhymes with orange?"

I said "No it doesn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3axyd/my_friend_asked_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
What do you call weight lifting on Wall Street?

Capital gains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3axx1/what_do_you_call_weight_lifting_on_wall_street/
%
A monk walks into a Subway

“Welcome to Subway, what can I get you?”
The monk looks at the sign and says, “Make me one with everything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3axon/a_monk_walks_into_a_subway/
%
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3axnu/i_cant_take_my_dog_to_the_pond_anymore_because/
%
I've nicknamed my penis 'Elbow'.

It's flexible, It's hard,
And my mum doesn't like it on the table during dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3athj/ive_nicknamed_my_penis_elbow/
%
Time flies like an arrow...

**fruit flies like a banana.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ah9k/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

You put a nipple on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3ad3a/how_do_you_make_5_pounds_of_fat_look_good/
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I'm sick to death of people knocking at my door for donations.

Just had one woman from the sperm bank.
Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3a8jj/im_sick_to_death_of_people_knocking_at_my_door/
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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

Because he heard the ref was blowing fowls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3a2ec/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_basketball_court/
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If you’re afraid of negative numbers

Stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a39qt3/if_youre_afraid_of_negative_numbers/
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Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,

Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a39pih/hey_atheists_if_god_isnt_real/
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My daughter is getting to that age...

...where she's starting to ask me embarrassing questions about sex.
For example, the other day she asked,
"Is that all you got?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a39o9s/my_daughter_is_getting_to_that_age/
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I am an obese man identifying as a skinny man...

I am trans-fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a39n2g/i_am_an_obese_man_identifying_as_a_skinny_man/
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I got caught smuggling a gun to the furry convention

Security guard : *(notices bulge)* OwO what's this?!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a39lrh/i_got_caught_smuggling_a_gun_to_the_furry/
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You know a bunch pornographic version of tumblr are gonna take off any day now.

It’s just a matter of seeing which one comes out on top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a39jtb/you_know_a_bunch_pornographic_version_of_tumblr/
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Everyone knows Dave.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a39i6h/everyone_knows_dave/
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How do you make a clown cry?

Kill it’s family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a39di5/how_do_you_make_a_clown_cry/
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Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a39d83/husband_and_wife_accidentally_discover_a_genie/
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Did you know that there are 27 bones in the human hand?

There are 28 when I’m lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a398sn/did_you_know_that_there_are_27_bones_in_the_human/
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a38xrm/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop_and_the_barber/
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What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a38wt7/what_do_you_call_an_elephant_that_doesnt_matter/
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What do you call scary bees?

Boobees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a38tjc/what_do_you_call_scary_bees/
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What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

My cancer came back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a38t3v/whats_the_difference_between_my_dad_and_cancer/
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What do you call it when a lizard can't grow its tail back?

A reptile disfunction...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a38rt3/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_lizard_cant_grow_its/
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Did you hear that they’re raising the drinking age in Arkansas to 25?

They want to keep it out of the schools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a38rcq/did_you_hear_that_theyre_raising_the_drinking_age/
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Don’t even get me started on Velcro

What a rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a38m2z/dont_even_get_me_started_on_velcro/
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I don’t often tell dad jokes

But when I do, he usually laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a38kpb/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
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What does a woman's underwear and nail polish both have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a38j94/what_does_a_womans_underwear_and_nail_polish_both/
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My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?
It looks like rain, dear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a38icv/my_9yr_old_daughter_just_told_me_this_one/
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Does anybody need an ark?

If so I Noah guy
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a38cgq/does_anybody_need_an_ark/
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Why are dalmatians terrible at hiding?

They're always spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a38ax8/why_are_dalmatians_terrible_at_hiding/
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Can someone explain this joke to me?

￼
Shutterstock
A Man Walks Into a Bar...
he leans over and says to the bartender, "Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you've never seen it before?"
The bartender says, "Okay, but it had better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar. It scurries about, jumps off the end, turns a perfect somersault in midair, and lands on the piano. He then begins to dance across the keys, playing the piano beautifully. The bartender says, "Wow! That was truly incredible! Have a beer."
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, if I show you something else that is so amazing I can guarantee you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"
"If it's as amazing as that hamster, then sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches into his other coat pocket and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and the man earns another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, a guy at the other end of the bar walks over and says, "What a performer! I'll give you $500 for that frog."
The first man says, "It’s a deal!" and sells the guy his frog. The bartender shakes his head slowly. "Not that it's any of my business, mind you, but that was a real, live singing frog. Why would you sell it for only $500? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "Nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a385wg/can_someone_explain_this_joke_to_me/
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I was so late to the cannibal banquet

They just gave me the cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a37zeu/i_was_so_late_to_the_cannibal_banquet/
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Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?

He didn’t habanero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a37wa4/why_didnt_the_mexican_archer_fire_his_bow/
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A farmer hires a college student

one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine." Farmer "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready." College guy "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you." -------------------------------------------------------------

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a37vq0/a_farmer_hires_a_college_student/
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The past, present, and future walked Into a bar

It was tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a37umb/the_past_present_and_future_walked_into_a_bar/
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I taught a wolf to meditate

Now it’s aware wolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a37tqp/i_taught_a_wolf_to_meditate/
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One night I payed $20 to see prince

But I partied like it was $19.99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a37sdx/one_night_i_payed_20_to_see_prince/
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Fallout 3: "Where's my father?" Fallout 4: "Where's my son?"

Fallout 76: "Where's my refund?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a37q7t/fallout_3_wheres_my_father_fallout_4_wheres_my_son/
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“If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?!”

Your parents, when you move out of their basement...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a37omu/if_batman_who_is_a_regular_human_but_with_gadgets/
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Q: How do you make holy water?

**A:** Boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a37o49/q_how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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What do you call a priest who became a lawyer?

A father-in-law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a37gup/what_do_you_call_a_priest_who_became_a_lawyer/
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If Theresa May was put in the same situation as the first episode of Black Mirror...

Do you think she would've been okay with the Prime Minister fucking her?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a37csp/if_theresa_may_was_put_in_the_same_situation_as/
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A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs. Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a37b79/a_local_barber_in_my_area_just_got_arrested_for/
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God blessed me with a 20 cm long penis when I was 14 yrs old.

Then they arrested the priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a379sj/god_blessed_me_with_a_20_cm_long_penis_when_i_was/
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Why don't people like jokes about clones?

They're all the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a377ya/why_dont_people_like_jokes_about_clones/
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A neighbor comes home to find his blonde neighbor crying outside her doorstep

He goes up to her and asks her what's wrong, to which she replies,
"I recently found out that my mother died."
He comforts her and eventually she calms down and they both go home.
The next day, he comes home again to find her sitting on her doorstep crying.
He asks her if she's still upset about the passing of her mother.
She explains through her tears,
"I just found out my brother's mom died too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a37516/a_neighbor_comes_home_to_find_his_blonde_neighbor/
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How do you know if your friend's new dog is a rescue?

Don't worry. They'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a372p1/how_do_you_know_if_your_friends_new_dog_is_a/
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Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duck tape

Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duct tape. Old timer asked the kid "hey son what are you going to do with that duct tape?" The boy said " im going to catch some ducks with it". Old timer said " you cant catch ducks with that". The boy said "watch me old man".
Later that day the old timer still on his porch, he saw the kid smirking and with ducks ducktaped together. The oldtimer said " ill be damned"
The following weekend the same thing happened but this time the boy is carrying a chicken wire. Old timer asked " boy what are you going to do with that chicken wire?" The boy said "ofcourse im gonna catch me some chickens". Oldtimer said "youre never going to catch chickens with those". The boy said "watch "
Later that day he saw the kid dragging the chicken wire with chickens on it. Old timer said " how is that even possible".
Another weekend came by the same scenario happened, but this time the boy was carrying a pussywillow. The grandpa hollered at the boy saying " hold on son, im comming with you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a370qd/old_timer_sitting_on_his_porch_and_saw_a_kid_pass/
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Communist jokes are never funny

unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3704j/communist_jokes_are_never_funny/
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The Australian government recently unveiled their plans for a 1 dollar coin.

While some critics questioned the economic viability, the kangaroonie will start circulation next year, according to a government spokesperson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a36rkg/the_australian_government_recently_unveiled_their/
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A teacher is helping her young students with their colors and shapes.

"Boys and Girls, I'm thinking of something round and red!" she says.
Julie's hand shoots up. "A cherry!!" she says, beaming.
"Noooooo," says the teacher, "It's an apple...But I'm glad you're thinking...... "
She smiles at the class. "Let's try another one!" she says. "I'm thinking of something round and yellow."
"A banana!" yells George.
""Noooooo," says the teacher, 'It's a lemon...But I'm glad you're thinking!"
In the back of the classroom, Earnie stands up, and shoves his hand deep into his pocket.
"Miss, in my pocket I'm holding something long and hard.... With a pink tip!" He grins at the class.
The teacher gasps. "Earnie, that's absolutely disgusting!" she says sternly.
Earnie whips it out. "Noooo," he says. "It's a pencil...But I'm glad you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a36kib/a_teacher_is_helping_her_young_students_with/
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What's the difference between a washing machine and a hippie chick?

If you put your load in a washing machine it's not gonna follow you around for the rest of summer asking for weed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a36h3x/whats_the_difference_between_a_washing_machine/
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Why do riot police go the work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a36gc1/why_do_riot_police_go_the_work_early/
%
So, Yesterday my wife asked what do I post to reddit

I told her they r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a36etg/so_yesterday_my_wife_asked_what_do_i_post_to/
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Jesus said that he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Seeing as how he was a carpenter who died by being nailed to a piece of wood, I think he was onto something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a368ab/jesus_said_that_he_who_lives_by_the_sword_shall/
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The Mental Hospital

Harold and Jenna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Harold suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Jenna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Jenna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Jenna the news she said, "Jenna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the another person. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Harold hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he"s dead."
Jennna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3673w/the_mental_hospital/
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I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning

I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a36685/i_set_my_alarm_30_minutes_before_i_need_to_get_up/
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Why did the birds start flying upside down in Florida?

Because there was nothing worth shitting on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3602e/why_did_the_birds_start_flying_upside_down_in/
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To whoever stole my mirror...

I hope you take a good, long look at yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a35ynb/to_whoever_stole_my_mirror/
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I couldn’t tell you, but I know that the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a35q8e/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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I thought about cutting down my sodium intake

But then I was like, Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a35jki/i_thought_about_cutting_down_my_sodium_intake/
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Jesus said unto his disciples

"Truthfully I speak when I say unto thou:  y = x^2"
The disciples listened, conferred a bit between themselves, and Peter raises his head and says: "Lord, we don't understand"
"It's a parabola, you idiots"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a35iyo/jesus_said_unto_his_disciples/
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How does Samus take the bus?

With her Metro-ID.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a35fb8/how_does_samus_take_the_bus/
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I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes

it's all about raisin awareness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a35eql/ive_started_telling_everyone_about_the_benefits/
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Despite having no qualifications for such a position, we hired an impoverished prostitute to become our son's math tutor.

It's the thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a359ru/despite_having_no_qualifications_for_such_a/
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What do you call a Mexican man with no legs?

Gracias

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a359gw/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_man_with_no_legs/
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Why is your nose in the middle of your face

Because its the scenter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a358cm/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph,
cuz he's not a full essay...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a34vag/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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I hate double standards.

Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a34qu9/i_hate_double_standards/
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I got a call from my son’s music teacher today.

He said, “You have a little Curt Cobain on your hands.”
I said,  “You mean he’s a great singer?”
He said, “No I mean he just shot himself in the head with a gun.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a34nwj/i_got_a_call_from_my_sons_music_teacher_today/
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I asked a pretty, homeless women if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a34n1z/i_asked_a_pretty_homeless_women_if_i_could_take/
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Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everyone that could run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a34fdi/why_doesnt_mexico_have_an_olympic_team/
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What is Donald Trump’s least favorite rock band?

Foreigner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a346pa/what_is_donald_trumps_least_favorite_rock_band/
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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3416d/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
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A man is at the superbowl

He wasn't able to afford the best tickets, so he had to sit in the far back. To see the game he has to use binoculars.
As the game goes on, he's scanning around when he notices an empty seat all the way in the front and just assumes whoever has that seat must be getting food or something.
About 30 minutes pass and he looks back to that seat... Empty!
So he walks down to this empty seat and talks to an older man who's sitting next to it.
"Excuse me," he says to the old man, "is this seat taken?"
The old man responds, "oh, well it was supposed to be my wife's, but she died.."
"Oh, I'm so sorry" the man exclaims, "wasn't there a family member or other loved one you could've given that ticket?"
The old man smirks, "Nahh, they're all at the funeral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33yat/a_man_is_at_the_superbowl/
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How many musicians in my band does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, we get the drummer to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33wuj/how_many_musicians_in_my_band_does_it_take_to/
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2 old ladies..

2 old women were outside smoking Camel cigarettes. It begins to rain, the first old lady pulls out a condom with the tip cut off and slips it over her cigarette. The second old lady says "what the hell is that for?", the first old lady says "so my cigarette doesn't get wet".
Later on the second old lady goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a box of condoms, he says "what size?" She says "doesn't matter-- it just needs to fit on a Camel"
The pharmacist fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33vdq/2_old_ladies/
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I told my crush I love her but she said I'm more like a brother to her

I decided to take her on a vacation to Alabama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33u9s/i_told_my_crush_i_love_her_but_she_said_im_more/
%
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33s1c/i_just_saw_my_wife_walk_by_with_her_sexiest/
%
Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33prz/had_to_explain_what_irony_was_to_someone_at_church/
%
I love taking my blind daughter out for drives

Every time I hit a speed bump I tell her it was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33mqm/i_love_taking_my_blind_daughter_out_for_drives/
%
What is the difference between one fruit and two fruits?

One is a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33k5v/what_is_the_difference_between_one_fruit_and_two/
%
Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

D shells are too big and B shells are too small.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33jog/why_do_mermaids_wear_sea_shells/
%
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks

They charged one - and let the other off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33jio/police_arrested_two_kids_yesterday_one_was/
%
Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the
ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to
admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I
did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33j27/nine_months_later/
%
My buddy got me a telepathic abacus for Christmas

It's the thought that counts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33cvo/my_buddy_got_me_a_telepathic_abacus_for_christmas/
%
My dad used to let me put my pocket money in a locked box under the stairs.

I was 15 before I realised it was the electric meter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33b18/my_dad_used_to_let_me_put_my_pocket_money_in_a/
%
When I shaved my beard, my wife was happy, she said it made me look younger.

When I suggested she shaved hers to make her look younger she was not happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33ao0/when_i_shaved_my_beard_my_wife_was_happy_she_said/
%
Stupid People Rehab

A group of stupid people were put in rehab.  The doctors wanted to see if they made any progress and decided that the person who passes this test will be let out. The test was to put them all into an empty room with no windows or visible exit.
They drew an obviously fake door on the wall and  watched for the results.  To their surprise,  everyone was jumping , kicking,  and fighting at the fake drawing except for one.
The one person was laughing at the others and then the doctors concluded the test.  They asked him why he was laughing at  the others. He said, "They didn't have the keys!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3398l/stupid_people_rehab/
%
I'm thinking of changing my daughter's name to Lamborghini.

There's always some cocky dickhead inside her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3383s/im_thinking_of_changing_my_daughters_name_to/
%
It's weird when I eat wheat, it gives me a huge headache

But, if I get the wheat from someone else, I'm fine. It's just **migraine**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a335oq/its_weird_when_i_eat_wheat_it_gives_me_a_huge/
%
Dad: Want to know what your brother said before he lost his virginity

Son: dad please don’t
Dad: exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a33305/dad_want_to_know_what_your_brother_said_before_he/
%
My son is so ungrateful,

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a331hd/my_son_is_so_ungrateful/
%
What do you call a deaf gynaecologist?

A lip reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3314t/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynaecologist/
%
You can’t have run through a campfire

You would have ran past tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a32zem/you_cant_have_run_through_a_campfire/
%
Why didn't the cops save Santa from the Chimney?

They're Claustrophobic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a32z87/why_didnt_the_cops_save_santa_from_the_chimney/
%
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph.
Why??
Because he’s not a full essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a32s2z/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
Dads are like boomerangs

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a32r2g/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
My dog is going vegan

So I decided to put my dog on a vegan only diet. I’ve had people tell me, “Dogs are carnivores, they need meat.” That’s why it’s only vegans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a32oi1/my_dog_is_going_vegan/
%
What's the preferred method of exchanging money in the Vatican?

Papal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a32nl8/whats_the_preferred_method_of_exchanging_money_in/
%
I wonder why thyme isn’t used in medicine.

It’s supposed to heal all wounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a32l6z/i_wonder_why_thyme_isnt_used_in_medicine/
%
My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a32goh/my_operating_system_just_deleted_half_my_files/
%
Whenever I meditate, I focus on the ocean.

It gets deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a32coh/whenever_i_meditate_i_focus_on_the_ocean/
%
I think Tumblr banning porn has already backfired

Now more of their users are getting off than ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a32asb/i_think_tumblr_banning_porn_has_already_backfired/
%
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a32ai0/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_down_a_mine/
%
The person who invented auto-correct should burn in

Hello

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a327sk/the_person_who_invented_autocorrect_should_burn_in/
%
Today we got four inches of snow.

Or as my boyfriend would say...seven inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a32419/today_we_got_four_inches_of_snow/
%
Jesus said to John "come forth and you shall receive eternal life"...

But John came 5th and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a31z3x/jesus_said_to_john_come_forth_and_you_shall/
%
If life hands you melons...

you might be dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a31w47/if_life_hands_you_melons/
%
The Three Kids

A pregnant women is in a bank and she gets shot in the stomach.
She goes to the doctor who says that she will have triplets but they will have bullets inside them which won't harm them . They will come out later in their life by themselves.
She gives birth to 2 girls and a boy.
*After 12 years*.
One of her girls comes to her and says "Mommy, I was peeing and a bullet came out" the mother says ok.
*After some days*.
The other girl comes and says "Mommy,I was peeing and a bullet came out" the mother says ok
.
*After some days*.
The boy comes to the mother and was going to say something when she interrupted him by saying "I guess you were peeing and a bullet came out "
The boy replies "No,I was wanking and i shot the dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a31umm/the_three_kids/
%
Every single time when I'm about to hug someone extremely sexy...

I hit the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a31u9y/every_single_time_when_im_about_to_hug_someone/
%
There are two types of people in the world.

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a31sng/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on a floor

But only for like twenty seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a31nlu/i_used_to_have_a_goldfish_which_breakdanced_on_a/
%
What do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis?

Fucks funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a31jti/what_do_you_call_a_rabbit_with_a_crooked_penis/
%
Two melons were in the supermarket

When one exclaimed to the other “Let’s run away from this place and get married!!”
The other one replied “Honey I do want to, but you know I can’t elope”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a31j3o/two_melons_were_in_the_supermarket/
%
The Swede, The Irishman & The Scotsman

The Swede's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place  her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of  underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,"she replied.
The  Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of  decency, here's 59 Euro. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next,  the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also  blew up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin  Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replied, "I can't afford any on the little money you give me."
Patrick reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's 20 quid. Go out and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?"
She too explained, 'You dinna give me enough money to be able at affarrd any".
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a31eyo/the_swede_the_irishman_the_scotsman/
%
What’s the best way to throw a space party?

Planet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a31djo/whats_the_best_way_to_throw_a_space_party/
%
Q: Why don't ISIS fighters have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?

A: Because the camels can't handle it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a31dhy/q_why_dont_isis_fighters_have_drivers_ed_and_sex/
%
When life gives you melons

You're probably dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a31ay3/when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
Wife: “You stayed and cuddled for a full 30 minutes after sex! That’s a record!”

Husband: “I think I can get it down to 5!”
(True story).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a319yr/wife_you_stayed_and_cuddled_for_a_full_30_minutes/
%
What did Gordon Ramsay have to do to get his wife pregnant?

He had to be fucking raw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a310v7/what_did_gordon_ramsay_have_to_do_to_get_his_wife/
%
What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs and an eye patch?

Names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a3105k/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_no_arms_no_legs_and/
%
Why was Cinderella cut from the basketball team?

She kept running from the ball...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30zv3/why_was_cinderella_cut_from_the_basketball_team/
%
What is a beaver’s favorite mathematical function?

No, not log, it’s a fucking beaver you dipshit. They don’t understand math

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30waf/what_is_a_beavers_favorite_mathematical_function/
%
Why do the teletubbies go to the toilet at the same time?

They only have 1 Tinky-Winky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30vhk/why_do_the_teletubbies_go_to_the_toilet_at_the/
%
What do you call wanting to get rich within your life time?

Setting a deadline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30vh8/what_do_you_call_wanting_to_get_rich_within_your/
%
You ladies who only use tampons should really give pads a try. I'll even send you a sample for free.

No strings attached

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30ugl/you_ladies_who_only_use_tampons_should_really/
%
I got a call from the doctor.

"So, I've done some examinations," he told me. "It's bad news for your wife."
"Oh, goodness...how long?" I asked, almost in tears.
"I couldn't guess," he replied. "So, are you going to be the one to tell her that you're completely fine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30tnz/i_got_a_call_from_the_doctor/
%
I was caught breaking into a cheese factory with a lock pick and a large stone.

The guard that caught me said "I get the lock pick but what's the Roquefort?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30rkr/i_was_caught_breaking_into_a_cheese_factory_with/
%
What is the difference between a bomb and a feminist?

The bomb actually accomplishes something when it is triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30rbh/what_is_the_difference_between_a_bomb_and_a/
%
Why do crabs never give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30l8x/why_do_crabs_never_give_to_charity/
%
How do you pay for coffee in space?

With star bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30kko/how_do_you_pay_for_coffee_in_space/
%
Why are girls frim Alabama not allowed to reverse-cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30j5f/why_are_girls_frim_alabama_not_allowed_to/
%
How did the shoemaker reward his employees?

With sock options.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30hsn/how_did_the_shoemaker_reward_his_employees/
%
My kid just told us this joke during dinner..

Kid: Hmmmm.. not sure if this is sexist but.. how do you remember your wife's birthday?
By forgetting it once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30e2u/my_kid_just_told_us_this_joke_during_dinner/
%
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,
"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?
"Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of?
"I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? "
"Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!"
"Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?
Mary smiled, and said...............
"then I'd be a football fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30cr2/a_schoolteacher_explains_to_her_class_that_she_is/
%
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide but you can't run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a307r4/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
When my wife was close to death she assured me if there was an afterlife she would somehow let me know.

Anyway, the inevitable happened and she passed away. About a month had passed when I was awoken by a cold blast and the shadowy ghost of my wife appeared in front of me,
"It's all true, " she said to me, "heaven is here, my love, I'm here, my mum is here, my dad is here, and when you pass you will be here and we can be together again for eternity. "
I smiled as she faded into the night and said to myself, "Fuck that for a game of soldiers, I'm going to start sinning like fuck first thing tomorrow. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a306f3/when_my_wife_was_close_to_death_she_assured_me_if/
%
Little Susie comes home crying to her mom....

Mom: what happened ?
Susie : today I had an argument with little Johny and he pulled down his pants and pointed at his wee wee and said ' I'm a boy so I have this , you are a girl ,so you don't have this '
Mom : don't worry darling , when you grow up , if you are a good girl , you can also have one .
Susie : what if I was a bad girl ?
Mom: then you will have many ....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a305ya/little_susie_comes_home_crying_to_her_mom/
%
The perfect crime was committed last night,

when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on
– Ronnie Corbett

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a305h0/the_perfect_crime_was_committed_last_night/
%
Spring

Winter can be pretty dreary with all the bare trees,
so when spring comes it's such a re-leaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a30316/spring/
%
A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar that he's a regular at, and sits at the bar. As the night goes on, he tries his luck with several ladies that come and go, but can't seem to close the deal. Meanwhile, he noticed a small, unremarkable man come in early in the evening, only to leave a short while later with a gorgeous woman on his arm.  He thought no nothing of it until he saw the same man return later in the evening, only to leave with yet another gorgeous woman! Day after day, he sees this man come in, sometimes multiple times, and never fails to leave with a beautiful woman!
He turned to the bartender, and asked, "Hey, what do you think that guy's secret is? Is he rich? His clothes don't look expensive. Is he super smooth? I never see him say much to these women. He's definitely not better looking than me!  I just don't get it!"
The bartender shrugs, and responds, "That guy? No idea. He never says a word, as far as I can tell. He just comes in, sits down, and licks his eyebrows."
*** Inspired by a news story I heard this morning about a guy who is trying to get into the Guinness book of world records for being able to lick his own eyebrows. Let us pray he uses his power for good, and not evil!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a301rt/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A chicken walks into the library.

It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head. Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it. The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "reddit, reddit, reddit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2zx9l/a_chicken_walks_into_the_library/
%
I hate when people ask how I see myself in two years

I don't have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2zvcr/i_hate_when_people_ask_how_i_see_myself_in_two/
%
My friend says a double negative can make a positive, but a double positive can never make a negative.

Yeah, right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2zugg/my_friend_says_a_double_negative_can_make_a/
%
I wasn’t sure whether I should get involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2zu4h/i_wasnt_sure_whether_i_should_get_involved_in/
%
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2zrb2/2_tampons_are_walking_past_each_other_which_one/
%
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2zr21/my_daughter_wanted_a_bouncy_castle_for_her/
%
So, a horse walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?" And Ann Coulter just flips her hair around while trying to remember when her parents told her she was pretty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2zpij/so_a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
You know what hackers did when Police showed up at their house?

They ransomware safe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2zk96/you_know_what_hackers_did_when_police_showed_up/
%
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help!” she cackled.

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2zi3i/my_wife_caught_me_standing_on_the_bathroom_scale/
%
A cop tells his sergeant, "Wow, a woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped"

"Oh, so you have arrested her then?" The sergeant asked.
"No, not yet. The floor is still wet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2zgic/a_cop_tells_his_sergeant_wow_a_woman_shot_her/
%
What's black and eats pussy?

Cervical cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2zehv/whats_black_and_eats_pussy/
%
I don 't get why people struggle beating cancer

I'm in stage 3 already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2zebd/i_don_t_get_why_people_struggle_beating_cancer/
%
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat!"
The wife: Honey, you say your prayer before eating at home.
The husband: Honey, that's at home. Here the chef knows how to cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2zann/a_couple_was_having_dinner_at_a_fancy_restaurant/
%
Why do people with foot fetishes never win?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2z5po/why_do_people_with_foot_fetishes_never_win/
%
Just a little joke I heard a while back.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2z5l0/just_a_little_joke_i_heard_a_while_back/
%
Wemen are the best!!!

It's true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2z43e/wemen_are_the_best/
%
How is a Rubik's cube similar to a penis?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2z1p9/how_is_a_rubiks_cube_similar_to_a_penis/
%
Got real emotional

Got really emotional this morning at the petrol station, don't know why, just started filling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2z1oq/got_real_emotional/
%
Times are hard for my midget mate...

He's finding it difficult to put food on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2yzj5/times_are_hard_for_my_midget_mate/
%
Last week, I went to the local ginger convention

There wasn’t a soul in sight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2yy5v/last_week_i_went_to_the_local_ginger_convention/
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What do you call a poop that all comes out in one piece?

A mono-log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2yt45/what_do_you_call_a_poop_that_all_comes_out_in_one/
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What do you call introverted Hobbits?

Shyer folk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ysy0/what_do_you_call_introverted_hobbits/
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Epileptic Santa!

"He seizures when you're sleeping."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2yq3i/epileptic_santa/
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The long troubles of Nelson Mandela (LONG)

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by an Asian man clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" while pointing at a truckful of car exhausts. Mr Mandela says, "I believe you have the wrong address" and shuts the door. The next day, Mr Mandela hears another knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by the same man clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" while pointing at a truckful of air filters. Mr Mandela says, "I am sorry but I believe you have the wrong address again" and shuts the door. The next day, Mr Mandela hears another knock at the door. When he opens it, it is the same man clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" while pointing at a truckful of windscreens. Mr Mandela says angrily, " You have the wrong address again! I don't want them! Who are you looking for?". The Asian man looks at his clipboard confusingly and says, "So, you not Nissan Main Dealer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ynbr/the_long_troubles_of_nelson_mandela_long/
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A thief broke into my house last night and was searching for money when I woke up...

I decided to search with him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ym3p/a_thief_broke_into_my_house_last_night_and_was/
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I farted in front on my Jewish friends

They complained but I said “Hey, a little gas never killed anyone!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ykum/i_farted_in_front_on_my_jewish_friends/
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I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harrassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2yjje/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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I'm jealous of the American date system...

Because they will be able to one day write 4/20/69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2yhs7/im_jealous_of_the_american_date_system/
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What are the similarities between a hamster and an antivaxer's kid?

They both only live for five years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2yd2e/what_are_the_similarities_between_a_hamster_and/
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Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer?

I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ybig/picked_up_a_hitchhiker_last_night_he_said_thanks/
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I still remember my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket

*"how far do you think this bucket will go?" He said*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2yafj/i_still_remember_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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What should the name of the first male birth control gel be?

Sonblock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2y7tl/what_should_the_name_of_the_first_male_birth/
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My name is John and I have been sober for 3 months

John: My name is John and I have been sober for 3 months
Susan: But John, this therapy group is for compulsive liars
John: Thank God because I'm drunk as hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2y79n/my_name_is_john_and_i_have_been_sober_for_3_months/
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Bobby had sex with a teacher.

Little Bobby came home from school and proudly  announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today."
Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home."
When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?"
To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2y2th/bobby_had_sex_with_a_teacher/
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A man goes into a library

He picks up a copy of Thucydides, looks at it for a while, then sets it down and looks at a copy of Herodotus. The librarian approaches him and says "ah, into the kinky stuff, are you?" "Excuse me?" the man replies. "It's just, I can see you're browsing history."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2xxvo/a_man_goes_into_a_library/
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Internet Explorer, Google Chrome and Safari walk into a bar. Google Chrome asks for a stiff drink. Safari asks for a heavy drink...

Internet Explorer asks for a frozen drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2xuqm/internet_explorer_google_chrome_and_safari_walk/
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Why can't orphans play baseball?

They dont know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2xunl/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?

He only cums once a year,
And it's down your chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2xtep/why_doesnt_santa_claus_have_any_kids/
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My grades are like politics.

I don't care about them, but they affect my life in a very annoying way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2xqzj/my_grades_are_like_politics/
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"Doctor, it hurts when I touch here..."

...\[touches shoulder\]
and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches ribs\]
and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches hip\]
and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches chin\]
and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches knee\]
Doctor: it looks like you have a broken finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2xqzf/doctor_it_hurts_when_i_touch_here/
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What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Damn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2xqcy/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_a_wall/
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Business don't last very long on the moon.

They tend to wax and wane over time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2xpfe/business_dont_last_very_long_on_the_moon/
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A photon walks into a hotel...

A photon walks into a hotel.  After checking in, the bellhop says "Would you like any help with your luggage today sir?" The photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2xny5/a_photon_walks_into_a_hotel/
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People who write "burro" when they mean "burrow"

Clearly don't know their ass from a hole in the ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2xm2a/people_who_write_burro_when_they_mean_burrow/
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What do you call a bathroom with no toilet paper?

Scott Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2xkld/what_do_you_call_a_bathroom_with_no_toilet_paper/
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Did Santa Get you that?

A Policeman on his horse says to a little girl riding her bike “Did Santa give you that?”  “Yes,” she replies.
“Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year” and fines her $5.  The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”
The Policeman chuckles and replies back “He sure did!”  “Well” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the fucking dick goes under the horse not on top of it”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2xddm/did_santa_get_you_that/
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There were once 2 anti-vaccine parents.

They ain't parents no more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2xbxj/there_were_once_2_antivaccine_parents/
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If the drummer is also the lead singer...

... Whose couch does he sleep on?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2xbqu/if_the_drummer_is_also_the_lead_singer/
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The year is 2135, and the US and Russia are the only 2 remaining nations.

After a century of warfare, the two nations expanded their borders, annexing an country that stood in it's way.
Both nations, hungering for world domination, have been at war with each other for over 20 years, and have decided that the fighting would never end, as the two were so closely matched in battle. In a last ditch effort to stop the bloodshed, the two leaders decided that in 10 years time, a dogfight would take place. The winning dog's nation would win the war, and become the supreme nation.
In Russia, Dog breeders worked with biologists, crossbreeding different species of wolves, trying to make the toughest, meanest, and deadliest dog to ever live. The dog was given steroids, fed with small animals, and had to be contained in a steel cage in order to keep it's handlers safe. People were afraid of this dog. There was no way whatever the Americans were doing could have possibly been stronger than this beast.
Finally, on May 25th, 2145, the dogs, their handlers, and the nations' leaders arranged to have the dogfight.
When the Russian dog was released, it burst into the arena, ready to kill. A few moments later, a large wooden crate with air holes was carried to arena, and opened. What emerged was pathetic. Out waddled an 8 foot long Weiner dog, that looked like it just woke up. It must have weighed 400 pounds, and was very clearly not in the best shape. The a Russian dog pounced, tearing chunks off of the Weiner dog with each bite. Finally, in one swift motion, the Weiner dog wraps around it's opponent, opens it's moth, and swallowed it's prey in one bite.
The Russian president opened his mouth to speak, but had no words. Finally, after a few minutes of dumbfounded silence, he says "But.. how? We spent millions of dollars creating that beast. It could not be beaten."
The US president simply shrugged and said "while you were busy doing that, we had our best plastic surgeons try to make a crocodile look like a dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2x89s/the_year_is_2135_and_the_us_and_russia_are_the/
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Basic Training in the Marines

On the first day of basic training in the marines, a drill instructor has new recruits lined up and is dressing them down.
He tells them “You aren’t men, you’re maggots!... you’re not even maggots! You’re a mite sucking a maggots dick! But in 6 weeks those of you who don’t quit are going to be able to do this...”
He reaches down into a big box next to him and pulls out a snapping turtle. Then he reaches into his pants and pulls out his penis, which the snapping turtle immediately bites. He lets go of the turtle and lets it hang from his penis and lets out a victory cry “HOORAH!!” After which he pinches the turtles eyes, it releases its hold, and he puts it back into its box.
He looks at the recruits and asks “any of you want to try THAT?” A recruit from the front speaks up and says “SIR, yes sir!! But please don’t pinch my eyes”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2x71f/basic_training_in_the_marines/
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How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, but i know it's not 3, because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2x0ak/how_many_women_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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Paratrooper

A guy comes home from Jump scholl.
He and his father are talking about his experience. He tells his dad all of these funny thing and some things not so funny.
His dad asked:  How did the Jump go?
Son: Dad I was scared. I just couldn't do it. I wanted to jump but I couldn't.
Dad: What did your instructor do? Did he call you a puusy?
Son: I wish. He told me if I didn't jump he was going to put his dick in my ass.
Dad: Did you jump?
Son: A little at first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2wtzq/paratrooper/
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[Original] I asked my dyslexic Hispanic friend the fastest way to Las Vegas, and he pointed in the right direction. "Gracias", I said.

"Ne vada"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2wroj/original_i_asked_my_dyslexic_hispanic_friend_the/
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I tried to catch fog yesterday,

Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2wnfc/i_tried_to_catch_fog_yesterday/
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After my divorce I couldn't believe how much I missed my ex.

I really need to work on my aim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2wmoe/after_my_divorce_i_couldnt_believe_how_much_i/
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What is the number 1 crime committed by transgenders?

Male fraud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2wdg8/what_is_the_number_1_crime_committed_by/
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I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.

And then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2wddo/i_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_where_the_sun_had/
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NBC is developing a reality show where flat earthers try to travel to the edge of the world.

The finale isn’t a cliffhanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2wazb/nbc_is_developing_a_reality_show_where_flat/
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Today I was asked about my job manufacturing nuts and bolts

I told them it was quite riveting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2wa2s/today_i_was_asked_about_my_job_manufacturing_nuts/
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I take Viagra during No-Nut November.

That makes it harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2w0p8/i_take_viagra_during_nonut_november/
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A guy applies for the post office...

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the military service?"
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”
Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “O.K. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 – and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.”
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don’t you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2vy18/a_guy_applies_for_the_post_office/
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Stalin appears to Putin in a dream

Stalin says, “I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.” Putin asks, “Why blue?” Stalin replies, "I knew you wouldn’t object to the first one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2vxh2/stalin_appears_to_putin_in_a_dream/
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Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.
Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.
In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine wines, a great meal followed by port and cigars and finally end up in a high class brothel with gorgeous hookers, doing the kinky things politicians love to do.
The next day, they are asked to decide and unanimously, they all decide hell was the better option.
They take the elevator down to hell.
The doors open and a blast from the fiery inferno hits them, the screaming and wailing as demons torture and torment the damned.
"It wasn't like this yesterday!" cried one of the politicians.
"Ah yes..." said the demon smiling. "Yesterday we were canvassing for your support, today you voted!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2vvqx/four_politicians_die_in_a_car_accident_and_they/
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why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

to make up for his miserable summer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2vunv/why_did_humpty_dumpty_have_a_great_fall/
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Why are ducks the best late night booty call?

Because they are always down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2vp2p/why_are_ducks_the_best_late_night_booty_call/
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What did the bodybuilder say when he ran out of protein?

No whey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2vlq8/what_did_the_bodybuilder_say_when_he_ran_out_of/
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How to catch a polar bear

First you cut a big hole in the ice, then you put peas all around the hole. When a polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the icehole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2vlf7/how_to_catch_a_polar_bear/
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My thesaurus arrived in the mail today, and it was completely blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2vff8/my_thesaurus_arrived_in_the_mail_today_and_it_was/
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Some people say repeating a word makes it lose meaning, but I don’t think that’s true...

I don’t say Life that frequently, yet I feel like it is meaningless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2veyq/some_people_say_repeating_a_word_makes_it_lose/
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What does 90 year old puss taste like?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2v9fj/what_does_90_year_old_puss_taste_like/
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Wasn’t sure what to do with my batteries.

So I just sold them free of charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2v8x6/wasnt_sure_what_to_do_with_my_batteries/
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As a good deed, I carried an old lady's groceries home today.

The salami was good, but I didn't like the instant soups.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2v7lg/as_a_good_deed_i_carried_an_old_ladys_groceries/
%
I didn't fail No-Nut November...

I just finished the challenge 29 days early!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2v5s8/i_didnt_fail_nonut_november/
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What do you call a greedy Italian?

A penne pincher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2v1jc/what_do_you_call_a_greedy_italian/
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I made a line of code that plays a song whilst making America greener

I call it my Al-Gore-Rhythm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2v09o/i_made_a_line_of_code_that_plays_a_song_whilst/
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I found out my friend has been stealing garden gates recently.

I don’t want to confront him though incase he takes offence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2uyy8/i_found_out_my_friend_has_been_stealing_garden/
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I’m going to make a bumper sticker and put “Honk if you think I’m pretty”

And then I’m going to start stopping at green lights so I can feel good about myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2uxug/im_going_to_make_a_bumper_sticker_and_put_honk_if/
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I needed a password eight characters long so I picked...

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2uwbt/i_needed_a_password_eight_characters_long_so_i/
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I was raised as an only child...

which really annoyed my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ut0t/i_was_raised_as_an_only_child/
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How do you say "goodbye" to a vampire?

So long, sucker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2una4/how_do_you_say_goodbye_to_a_vampire/
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I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?"

He said, "Aisle B, back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2umgg/i_went_into_a_toy_store_to_do_some_early/
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I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That’s..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2udsr/i_got_a_phone_call_from_my_sons_school_today/
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20 girls asked me to go out today...

I was in the ladies toilet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ud9y/20_girls_asked_me_to_go_out_today/
%
Why do elephants not use computers?

Because they're afraid of mice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2u7zh/why_do_elephants_not_use_computers/
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A Russian woman, a French woman and an American woman decides to have a contest on who has the biggest and deepest vagina among them...

The Russian woman went on first and inserted 2 fingers then pulled out her iPad.
The French woman next inserted her fist and pulled out her laptop.
Both women then turned their attention to the American woman who's sheepishly holding a quarter.
The American woman went on inserting the quarter to her pussy.
The 2 women looked puzzled on how the American thinks she could win by that.
After a few seconds, a jukebox played Star Spangled Banner!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2u3ja/a_russian_woman_a_french_woman_and_an_american/
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What did Santa say when he walked into a brothel?

Ho Ho Ho!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2u31d/what_did_santa_say_when_he_walked_into_a_brothel/
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Why do riot police go to work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2u1es/why_do_riot_police_go_to_work_early/
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Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2u0z3/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans-free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2u065/i_just_deleted_all_the_german_names_off_my_phone/
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What do you call an Austrian who is new to playing a game?

Danube.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2tyfp/what_do_you_call_an_austrian_who_is_new_to/
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what do you call a bishop on a hiking trip

a roamin' catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2txee/what_do_you_call_a_bishop_on_a_hiking_trip/
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What do A and C have in common with relationships in Alabama?

Relative Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2tllz/what_do_a_and_c_have_in_common_with_relationships/
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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2tkap/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
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What treats do you give someone who knows a lot of words?

Synonym Rolls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2tj0v/what_treats_do_you_give_someone_who_knows_a_lot/
%
Why did the little whale wear a burka?

For religious porpoises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2tivz/why_did_the_little_whale_wear_a_burka/
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Why don’t they have any toilet paper in KFC?

Because it’s finger lickin good!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2tclc/why_dont_they_have_any_toilet_paper_in_kfc/
%
Did you know Tommy Wiseau wrote a poem?

Oh, Haiku.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2tcl5/did_you_know_tommy_wiseau_wrote_a_poem/
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Why does the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2t6fz/why_does_the_military_use_acid/
%
If orange is the new black...

then Trump is the second black president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2t4n5/if_orange_is_the_new_black/
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I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant....

but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2t4be/i_thought_getting_a_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife/
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Archaeologists in Rome have recently come across the remains of Brutus.

After some careful measurements, they've found that his height was quite astonishing - he was 98 inches tall!
Caesar even once said to him, "*8' 2", Brute?*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2t3yh/archaeologists_in_rome_have_recently_come_across/
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What do you call a glowing fascist?

A neon-nazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2t3ri/what_do_you_call_a_glowing_fascist/
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Why did the pair of hands stop being friends?

One was a professional jerk off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2sqtx/why_did_the_pair_of_hands_stop_being_friends/
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NASA found a dead feline on Mars.

Turns out, Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2so0r/nasa_found_a_dead_feline_on_mars/
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How do astronauts say sorry?

They don’t, they Apollo-gize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2shwa/how_do_astronauts_say_sorry/
%
I told our baby a joke.

My wife sure got her kicks from it. It was an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2sebs/i_told_our_baby_a_joke/
%
Artist found dead in home

Details are sketchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2sdyh/artist_found_dead_in_home/
%
How much does a pirate pay for ear rings?

A buck an ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2s7ip/how_much_does_a_pirate_pay_for_ear_rings/
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Newlyweds are laying in bed the morning after their wedding.

The new husband rolls over and says, "Now that we're married, I have a confession to make: I'm a golf junkie. I love it. I can't get enough. You'll never see me from Friday afternoon until Sunday evening."
His wife looks at him, sighs, and says, "Okay. Well, as long as we're being honest, I have a confession, too: I'm a hooker."
The husband thinks for a second, gets out of bed, stands up, and says, "Oh, that's okay. Just keep your legs slightly bent, your left arm straight on the back swing..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2s4ij/newlyweds_are_laying_in_bed_the_morning_after/
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On an examination paper, The professor required his students to sign a form stating they had received no outside assistance...

....Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.
The professor carefully studied the answer script....
...and then said: "You can sign with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2s1a1/on_an_examination_paper_the_professor_required/
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Did you hear about how they caught the murderer in Bel Air?

They found some fresh prints at the scene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ryc4/did_you_hear_about_how_they_caught_the_murderer/
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Anytime I watch a Jennifer Anniston movie, it seems like she’s playing the same character.

She is a victim of Rachel profiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2rtcu/anytime_i_watch_a_jennifer_anniston_movie_it/
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A receptionist at a doctor’s office announces new privacy laws to patients waiting in the common area.

“Starting today, people won’t be called by their name.”
People somehow smile and nod.
“So, the man with hemorrhoids, please come in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2rqny/a_receptionist_at_a_doctors_office_announces_new/
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My brother went jail and got raped...

And now he's never playing monopoly with me or my family again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2rp21/my_brother_went_jail_and_got_raped/
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I always wondered what my parents did when they got bored before the internet.

I asked my 21 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2rj6e/i_always_wondered_what_my_parents_did_when_they/
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God answers dying boys prayer

God said no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2rh1o/god_answers_dying_boys_prayer/
%
When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.
Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.
I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.
"Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked.
"Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it."
"Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2rgce/when_i_was_learning_to_drive_in_the_winter_my_dad/
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2 guys walking along the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.
They  went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles.  One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and  asked - are you guys mad or what ? What the hell are you doing ?
The  guys replied. We are from the government Forest department. We are a  three guy team. My job is to dig up a hole , the middle guy plants a tree  and this guy fills the hole back. The middle guy called out sick today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2r508/2_guys_walking_along_the_road_one_was_digging_a/
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Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine

And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?"
"Vell, only if you insist " he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2r4wy/vladimir_putin_goes_to_the_ukraine/
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Six retired Jewish Gents were playing poker....

Six retired Jewish gents were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2r3lr/six_retired_jewish_gents_were_playing_poker/
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What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when they bumped into each other

Well it’s not my fault!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2qzwh/what_did_the_tectonic_plate_say_to_the_other/
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When I eat wheat it gives me a headache. Oddly, it doesn’t if the wheat belongs to someone else.

It’s just migraine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2qu67/when_i_eat_wheat_it_gives_me_a_headache_oddly_it/
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Schools in America should start teaching students that the alphabet starts with 'O'

OBCD is a growing issue in America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2qr32/schools_in_america_should_start_teaching_students/
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A redditor walks into a bar...

v
Sorry, I think my ctrl key is broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2qntr/a_redditor_walks_into_a_bar/
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Santa is real!!! I actually met him the other day. He asked what I wanted for Christmas.

I told him that I love to travel, but I am terrified to fly.  I asked if he build a road that connects the whole world together, so I can go everywhere but never have to fly.  He told me that while he is indeed magic, he doesn't possess the power to do such a gift.   I was kinda down, but told him not to worry.  I explained that I love reddit, and it would made my Christmas if he could get some original content on r/jokes.  Santa said "Ok, was that a two lane or four lane highway"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2qmuy/santa_is_real_i_actually_met_him_the_other_day_he/
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There's a guy looking for a date..

He's a self proclaimed genius, and doesn't even consider a girl if she can't answer his old classic questions. One girl, a ginger, walks up, and he asks, "If a tree falls in the forest, but there is no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?" She couldn't answer, and gave up and left. A brunette walks up and he asks the question, "If our eyes are set to look forward, can we ever truly look backwards?" She couldn't answer either, so she left. A blonde comes up and he grins, having a classic that he knows no one can answer. "What's the sound of one hand clapping?"
She slaps him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2qkto/theres_a_guy_looking_for_a_date/
%
Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall

i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2qixx/today_i_saw_a_dwarf_prisoner_climbing_down_the/
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What did the man say to his pet bear after buying her a computer and the computer wouldn't turn on and he ended up calling his cousin who works at the computer company and the cousin came down from Milwaukee to show them how to connect everything to make the computer work?

Sorry for the complicated setup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2qgtd/what_did_the_man_say_to_his_pet_bear_after_buying/
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An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex

English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!"
French Woman: And so what? Does it work?
English Woman: If it works? My husband gets so horny and excited when i tell him that, he fucks me so hard and so good for like ten times in a row! I'm just so happy!
The French woman seems very interested in it, and says she'll do that.
The next day the three women meet again.
French Woman: You won't believe it but your method actually worked wonders! My husband came back home from work and got a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hands and told him " Antoine, you balls are so hot!". He went totally mad and banged me ten times in a row!
At this point the Russian woman is convinced and decides to try that herself.
The next day the three women meet again. They find the Russian woman in a terrible state. She has two missing teeth, a broken arm, she was just all bruised and battered.
Her two friends asked her what happened.
Russian Woman: I did just what you said. My husband came back home from work, he grabbed his beer and took a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hand, but them were cold. So i told him: "Vladimir, why your balls are not as hot as Harry's and Antoine's?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2qdqb/an_english_woman_a_french_woman_and_a_russian/
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I met a hot 50 y/o woman at a bar last night

She looked too fuckin good for a 50 y/o lady. I talked to her and drank some beers, and she asked if I've had a "Sportsman's double" before. "What's that?" I asked and she replied it's a mother and daughter threesome. As my mind began to embrace the idea, I began wondering how hot her daughter is and said "No, I haven't". Then we drank a bit more and she winked at me saying "tonight's your lucky night". We went back to her place. She walked in. She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom... you still awake?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2qdiq/i_met_a_hot_50_yo_woman_at_a_bar_last_night/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2q42s/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
The man who invented autocorrect

should burn in hello

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2pzxg/the_man_who_invented_autocorrect/
%
My girlfriend got mad at me because I had sex with her twin...

...I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2pwwl/my_girlfriend_got_mad_at_me_because_i_had_sex/
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You know you're getting old when...

"at your age" starts to come with negative connotations instead of positive ones at the doctor.
*Based on true events*...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2pubm/you_know_youre_getting_old_when/
%
Need an Ark?

I Noah guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2pohf/need_an_ark/
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...it's not that bad.

Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Baltimore, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear.
"What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?"
"No, I've been transferred to Baltimore. I've heard things are terrible there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Baltimore all my life. It's not as bad as the media say. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as you want to make it."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking. He said, "Oh, thank you! I've been worried to death. But if you live there, and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2pjjd/its_not_that_bad/
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How do you know if someone's from Harvard?

Don't worry they'll tell you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2pg8w/how_do_you_know_if_someones_from_harvard/
%
I wanted to kill myself for all the things i didn't do

But i was to lazy to do that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2pfpw/i_wanted_to_kill_myself_for_all_the_things_i/
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If you’re dyslexic

this might look like shit to you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2pbkc/if_youre_dyslexic/
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What would you call Miley Cyrus when she leaves America....

*kilometer cyrus*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2pa66/what_would_you_call_miley_cyrus_when_she_leaves/
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school

Mother: "How was school today, Johny?"
Jonhy: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Jonhy: "What school?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2p7e8/school/
%
Star sign

Doctor: Choose a star sign.
Patient: Capricorn.
Doctor: Too bad you got cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2p4qo/star_sign/
%
The Witch Doctor

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.
He  goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing  works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and  refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink,  he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."  Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The  witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame,  and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says  "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The  guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The  witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it  will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The  guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the  good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123," and suddenly  he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2p3xg/the_witch_doctor/
%
A Scotsman went a walking

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the  road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said,  "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her  friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must  be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied  it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked  away.
Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the  call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to  relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was  tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...
"I don't wanna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2p3em/a_scotsman_went_a_walking/
%
A man joins the crew of a sailing ship.

After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"
The  others direct him to a large barrel with a hole in it. At first he does  not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly  enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after.
Then he asks, "Can I do this every day ?".
"Yes, every day, except Wednesdays".
"Why not on Wednesdays ?"
"Wednesdays is YOUR turn to be inside the barrel !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2p2su/a_man_joins_the_crew_of_a_sailing_ship/
%
Son asks his father

Is it true that the stork has brought me?
No, son. Yesterday the neighbor brought you- and last week it was some of your friends. It’s time to stop drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ozr7/son_asks_his_father/
%
A doctor and a lawyer liked the same girl

Doctor used to give her a rose daily and lawyer used to give her an apple
Girl got confused and asked: "There is meaning in giving rose, why are you giving me an apple?"
Lawyer: "Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ozms/a_doctor_and_a_lawyer_liked_the_same_girl/
%
As a young man, I never really understood insanity.

Until I got married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2oxe6/as_a_young_man_i_never_really_understood_insanity/
%
Two Army Rangers are on vacation in New Orleans....

when they both get the idea to catch an alligator, skin it and get shoes made out of its carcass.
They go to an outfitter to get a boat and all the gear they’ll need, and during the conversation they mention they are army. The outfitter tells them that two Marines with the exact same idea passed through a day ago and Maybe they’ll run into them.
So out they go. Eventually they run across tow guys in the swamp. They notice a pile of dead ‘gators nearby. While they watch, a gator swims up to a Marine, who grabs it, pulls it out of the water and strangles it to death with his bare hands.
The Marine then carefully studies the feet for a second before throwing the carcass on the pile. He turns to the other Marine and says “That one didn’t have any shoes on either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ovsf/two_army_rangers_are_on_vacation_in_new_orleans/
%
A Green Beret walks into a Marine bar carrying a large snapping turtle under his arm.

All of the Marines go quiet.
The Green Beret sets the snapping turtle on the bar, pulls out his dick and taunts the turtle with it until it latches on.
He lifts the turtle off the bar with his dick, swings it around in a circle, spins it around, slams it back on to the bar and gouges it's eyes out with his fingers, killing it.
He puts his dick back in his pants and turns to a stunned crowd of Marines.
"I bet none of you pussies can do that."
The crowd stays silent. A moment later, one of the Marines slowly raises his hand and says, "I.. I think I can sir, if you promise not to gouge my eyes out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2oufd/a_green_beret_walks_into_a_marine_bar_carrying_a/
%
Not misogynistic

when two lesbians go to a restaurant, who gets the bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2oti9/not_misogynistic/
%
Why are black people so tall?

Because their knee grows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2osnq/why_are_black_people_so_tall/
%
I got a rejection letter from Origami University today.

I’m not sure what to make of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2oru5/i_got_a_rejection_letter_from_origami_university/
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Why do sailors eat so many carrots?

It helps them sea better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2orj6/why_do_sailors_eat_so_many_carrots/
%
When I was in boy scouts...

When I was in boy scouts, we were learning about the basic uses of a rope. After about 10 minutes into the class, the trainer asked me,
"Would you hand me over your rope? I want to demonstrate its strength".
To which I replied with a grin on my face,
"I rather knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2olev/when_i_was_in_boy_scouts/
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Few months after their parents divorce, little Johny came home early ..

And heard moaning sounds coming from his mom's bedroom.
He peeked in and saw his mom completely naked and rubbing her crotch moaning " oh god, I need a man ,oh god, I need a man " .
Little Johny ignored it and left .
Few days later , when little Johny came home early , he heard moaning sounds coming from her mom's bedroom .
He peeked in and saw a naked man on top of his mom .
He immediately rushed to his room , removed all his clothes ,started rubbing his crotch muttering " oh god, I need a bike , oh god ,I need a bike "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2oh5d/few_months_after_their_parents_divorce_little/
%
One Finn

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from: The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought... Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There's two of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ogvu/one_finn/
%
What's blue and not heavy?

Light blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ocfa/whats_blue_and_not_heavy/
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig...

It's not a beautiful poem,
but it's very deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2o9z8/i_dig_you_dig_we_dig_he_dig_she_dig_they_dig/
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Why don’t Astronomers like vegetable soup?

They prefer a meteor soup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2o9nx/why_dont_astronomers_like_vegetable_soup/
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Bear removal

A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked up in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for “Up North Bear Removers”. He called the number listed and the bear remover said he would be over within the hour.
The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking scarred old pit bull.
“What are you going to do” enquired the homeowner.
“I’m going to put the ladder up against the roof, I’m going to climb up and knock the bear off the roof with the baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof the pit bull is trained to bite the bears testicles and not let go. Allowing me to subdue the bear and get him into the cage”.
He then hands the shotgun over to the homeowner.
“And what’s the shotgun for?” Asked the homeowner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2o31w/bear_removal/
%
A chinese pilot and a jew copilot are flying together for the first time

Since the start of the flight, there was a strange feeling between them, so the chinese guy asks:
Chinese: Do you have a problem with me?
Jew: I sure do, i will never trust you chinese people after what you did to Pearl Harbor.
C: but those were the Japanese, not the chinese.
J: Chinese, Coreans, Japanese, it's are all the same.
C: You know what, i'll never trust you jew since what you did to the titanic.
J: But that was an iceberg!
C: Iceberg, Greenberg, Goldberg, it's all the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2nybt/a_chinese_pilot_and_a_jew_copilot_are_flying/
%
A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”
I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”
Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!”
I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs....
“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2nwpx/a_dea_agent_stopped_at_our_farm_yesterday/
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Why did they rename Bill Clinton Airport?

They were tired of planes going down all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2nu6o/why_did_they_rename_bill_clinton_airport/
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What’s the difference between prostitutes and insurance companies?

Insurance companies can fuck you much harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2nrvh/whats_the_difference_between_prostitutes_and/
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Roses are red

Violets are red
The tree is red
The grass is red
Shit, my garden's on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2nrkm/roses_are_red/
%
A knight walks up to a peasant on a bridge

The peasent happily hums to himself "twenty-six... twenty-six... twenty-six".
The knight asks the peasant what's he humming about and he calmly answers that the knight should look down the bridge to find out. So the knight bends over the bridge, looks into the water, just as the peasant kicks him into the river.
The peasent continues humming to himself "twenty-seven... twenty-seven".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2nrce/a_knight_walks_up_to_a_peasant_on_a_bridge/
%
Prison may be just one word

But for some people it's a whole sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2np1q/prison_may_be_just_one_word/
%
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask a question...

A passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant, and stopped just 3 centimetres from a department store shop window.
For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said "Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver and you are my first passenger. For the last 25 years I've been driving a funeral hearse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2nnj9/the_passenger_tapped_the_cab_driver_on_the/
%
My friend makes a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2nkiw/my_friend_makes_a_lot_of_money_by_selling_photos/
%
Overdosed on Viagra

I overdosed on Viagra once.
It was the hardest day of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2njlz/overdosed_on_viagra/
%
What do you call a French prostitute in Pakistan?

Lahore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ngyo/what_do_you_call_a_french_prostitute_in_pakistan/
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I know a lot of you are sad because it’s a Monday...

But don’t forget, only 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2nc5u/i_know_a_lot_of_you_are_sad_because_its_a_monday/
%
I was talking to my grandfather about tattoos...

He told me he never got one but I asked him if he did, what would he get. He told me he would have gotten a beautiful woman's face. I asked where he would have gotten it and he said "On your grandmother's face"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2n7eo/i_was_talking_to_my_grandfather_about_tattoos/
%
Sometimes I forget which way the sun comes up

Then it dawns on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2mvt5/sometimes_i_forget_which_way_the_sun_comes_up/
%
A guy is walking past a house...

That house has a sign on it saying: Free Talking Dog! He stops, wondering what this is all about and notices an old guy sitting on the porch in a rocking chair. The guy says, "Hey, What's up with the talking dog?" The old guys answers, "He's yours if you want him." The guy scratches his head, thinking if the dog can really talk, he would be worth millions on the talk show circuit. "Can I talk to him first?" he asks. "Sure." the old man says, "he's right around back." So the guy walks around the side of the house to find an old dog laying in the shade. The guy walks up to him and says "Can you really talk?" The dog lifts up his head and looks at the guy. "Of course I can talk." The guy is absolutely flabbergasted. He can't think of anything to say. Finally, he just wants to hear talk some more, so he asks the dog to tell him the story of the dog's life.
The dog, sits up, stretches and sighs. "Well, it all started during the war in Afghanistan. I was in the K9 corps, providing support for mission specialists engaged in secret ops. I'd always been able to understand English, I just never felt a need to talk about it. Anyway, one night during an intense firefight, I got separated from my unit, and walked into a Taliban encampment. Being a dog, of course, they ignored my presence. I soon realized that I could understand the Pashto language as well. So I listened to their plans and then made my way across enemy lines, dodging a few rounds along the way until I reached my unit. Unfortunately, my handler had been hit and there wasn't anyone alive to call it in. So I got on the radio, called in the medivac and relayed the plans I had heard from the Taliban. They were able to medivac my handler back to safety, but realizing that I was a talking dog, they had me run covert ops for a couple of years until too many people knew my identity. Then, they retired me with a silver star and full military honors, and now here I am, enjoying my retirement."
The guy had listened to the dog's story with his mouth hanging open, simply astonished by the exploits he was hearing. "Give me just a sec", he says to the dog and bolts back around the house to where the old man is still rocking on the porch. The old man looks up and asks the guy, "Heard enough to want to take him?" "Hell yes!" answered the guy, "just one question. This dog could be worth millions. Why are you just giving him away for free?" The old man glances around to make sure no one is listening then leans over to the guy. "Because he's a big fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2m6hk/a_guy_is_walking_past_a_house/
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Angela Merkel is taking a holiday in Poland.

At the border, she's stopped by a border security officer. "Name?" asks the officer.
"Angela Merkel," she says.
"Occupation?" asks the officer.
"Look, we said we were sorry," she replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2m2m0/angela_merkel_is_taking_a_holiday_in_poland/
%
What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Cha-ching ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2m1vm/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_billionaire/
%
Three women are sitting in a bar talking about how loose they are.

One says she can fit in a sausage.
The other says she can fit in a cucumber.
The third one slides down the bar stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2m12j/three_women_are_sitting_in_a_bar_talking_about/
%
Reading minds.

Me:
So whats your super powe-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2m129/reading_minds/
%
My wife walked in on me while I was wearing only a towel around my shoulders.

“I’m count Dickula,” I said. “And unlike my infamous cousin, I want you to suck ME dry.”
She left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2lyxm/my_wife_walked_in_on_me_while_i_was_wearing_only/
%
What did the therapist youtuber say to the pharmacist?

"Remember to like, comment, and prescribe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2lwl2/what_did_the_therapist_youtuber_say_to_the/
%
A dad walks in on his teenage daughter showering

"OMG, dad! I'm naked!"
"Hi, naked, I'm dad."
"For fuck's sake, at least stop masturbating!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2lrqk/a_dad_walks_in_on_his_teenage_daughter_showering/
%
What's the difference between Logan Paul and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2lqtb/whats_the_difference_between_logan_paul_and_hitler/
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I would tell some good Lord of the Rings jokes

but all the good ones ara-gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2lnyn/i_would_tell_some_good_lord_of_the_rings_jokes/
%
A dog ran into a butcher shop.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor, who happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your
dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of  the meat?
"Of course. How much was the roast?"
"$27.98.
A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $27.98.
Attached to it was an invoice: "Legal Consultation Service: $250."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2lmav/a_dog_ran_into_a_butcher_shop/
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What did the kid of the stoner parents get after the divorce?

Marijuana possession

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2llf5/what_did_the_kid_of_the_stoner_parents_get_after/
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Bilingual

What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
Trilingual
What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?
Bilingual
What do you call someone who speaks 1 language?
American

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ljjj/bilingual/
%
I hate double standards

When celebrities wear near see-through dresses, they are "chic" and " fashionable", but when I do it I'm "wasting cling wrap" and "ruining Christmas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2lj24/i_hate_double_standards/
%
I really don't like sausage.

They're the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2lix1/i_really_dont_like_sausage/
%
I decided to learn sign language.

It’s surprisingly turned out to be very handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2lg35/i_decided_to_learn_sign_language/
%
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2lfeo/i_got_fined_50_for_sneaking_popcorn_and_a_drink/
%
When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2l6bz/when_you_say_poop_your_mouth_moves_the_same_way/
%
A bartender says to a customer, "Why the long face?"

The horse replied "Neigh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2l2ip/a_bartender_says_to_a_customer_why_the_long_face/
%
Why do they call it marijuana possession

And not joint custody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2l00f/why_do_they_call_it_marijuana_possession/
%
With Romaine lettuce being gone...

it’s safe to say that Caesar, emperor of salads, has fallen with the great Romaine empire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kzxi/with_romaine_lettuce_being_gone/
%
Why did the Muslim couple divorce?

Jihad an affair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kxpp/why_did_the_muslim_couple_divorce/
%
Sherlock and Watson are camping in the woods.

They set up their tent before dusk, and get right to sleep.
At 2:17 A.M., Sherlock wakes up, and shakes Watson awake. He says to Watson, "What do you see out there?"
Watson stares at the countless stars, and says "God has set before us a vast void, and filled it with celestial snow. Truly, it is a beautiful sight, and one to behold and treasure."
Sherlock replies, "No, you numbskull, someone has stolen our damned tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kx9k/sherlock_and_watson_are_camping_in_the_woods/
%
What did the tortilla say to the depressed cow?

Wanna taco ‘bout it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kwvr/what_did_the_tortilla_say_to_the_depressed_cow/
%
I asked my son if he wanted plant protein blends.

He said no whey dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kwts/i_asked_my_son_if_he_wanted_plant_protein_blends/
%
Just found out that Aaaarghh is not a real word.

I can’t even express how angry I am at this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kws9/just_found_out_that_aaaarghh_is_not_a_real_word/
%
I was listening to Christmas music...

I was listening to Christmas music on the radio when 'Deck The Halls' came on. Apparently it's "not ok" to put on assless chaps while listening to it.
Kudos to whoever figures out this bad joke/riddle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kufl/i_was_listening_to_christmas_music/
%
The Pharasees brought an adulterous woman before Jesus to be stoned to death.

They had brought her to test Jesus.  He turned to them and shouted, "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone!"
The people gathered around all paused and looked at one another.  Then an elderly woman in the back bent down and hoisted the largest rock she could carry over her shoulders.  She struggled forward and managed to heave the stone onto the adulterous woman, killing her instantly.  As the crowd stood there stunned Jesus rubbed his temples and murmured, "Damnit Mom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ktpg/the_pharasees_brought_an_adulterous_woman_before/
%
Why did Miss Muffet need directions?

She lost her Whey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kqkr/why_did_miss_muffet_need_directions/
%
Why should you own a coin factory?

It just makes cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2km8w/why_should_you_own_a_coin_factory/
%
Like my father, I never could tell a funny joke

He would always punch up the fuck line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kjh2/like_my_father_i_never_could_tell_a_funny_joke/
%
Did you hear about the movie Constipation?

No, it hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kiu5/did_you_hear_about_the_movie_constipation/
%
I have a lot of jokes about orphans...

I'm just afraid most of them won't hit home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2khuq/i_have_a_lot_of_jokes_about_orphans/
%
Why is the suicide bomber getting so much coverage?

I mean seriously, the guy is all over the place!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kfe6/why_is_the_suicide_bomber_getting_so_much_coverage/
%
I'm pretty sober...

...but I'm even prettier when you're drunk...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kewn/im_pretty_sober/
%
I started investing in stocks of Beef, Chicken, and Vegetables.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ke30/i_started_investing_in_stocks_of_beef_chicken_and/
%
I’m crocheting some mittens for my daughter and the needlework is driving me mad.

Oh well, it’s a labour of glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kcth/im_crocheting_some_mittens_for_my_daughter_and/
%
I like my coffee, how I like my women.

Without someone’s dick in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kctb/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
%
A guy finds a Genie in a bottle...

**A Genie zooms out of the bottle and shouts "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM MY MYSTICAL CHAMBER! YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES!"**
*The guy says "Ha, Make it four"*
**The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE GRANTED! YOU NOW HAVE THREE WISHES LEFT!"**
*The guy stumbles "Oh wow, okay umm, then I wish for 300 wishes!"*
**The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE DENIED! YOU MAY ONLY WISH FOR MORE WISHES ONCE! YOU NOW HAVE TWO WISHES LEFT!"**
*The guy asks "Wait, you count it as a wish even if you deny it?"*
**The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE ANSWERED! YES, AND ASKING QUESTIONS COUNTS AS WISHES TOO! YOU NOW HAVE ONE WISH LEFT!!"**
*The guy screams "SHIT!!!!"*
**The Genie awkwardly claps his hands, and says "Thanks man, I've been stuck in that bottle for 4000 years" as he runs towards the bathroom**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kbx0/a_guy_finds_a_genie_in_a_bottle/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2kblm/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
So a baby seal...

walks into a club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2k9rq/so_a_baby_seal/
%
Girl are you from Iraq

Cause you gotta Baghdad ass up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2k2gq/girl_are_you_from_iraq/
%
To the guy who invented zero,

Thanks for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2k1hj/to_the_guy_who_invented_zero/
%
Where does the world end ?

Finland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2k010/where_does_the_world_end/
%
Why does Santa Claus have a smile on his face?

He has a list of all the naughty girls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2jy6x/why_does_santa_claus_have_a_smile_on_his_face/
%
Im sick of all these immigration jokes

They're really crossing the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2jw0s/im_sick_of_all_these_immigration_jokes/
%
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2js3k/ikea_has_been_accused_of_evading_over_500_million/
%
A reporter was interviewing members of the Army, Navy and Air Force in Afghanistan...

He asked them what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent.
The soldier said "I would leap on it and kill it with my bayonet."
The sailor said "I would crush it to death with one of my sea-boots."
The pilot said "I would call reception and ask them why there was a tent in my room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2jqjm/a_reporter_was_interviewing_members_of_the_army/
%
I hope Elon Musk isn't involved in a major scandal anytime soon

... because #ElonGate will go on forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2jo2a/i_hope_elon_musk_isnt_involved_in_a_major_scandal/
%
What do you call a group of thots?

An idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2jfff/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_thots/
%
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space

Terrible joke. Only three stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2jf2s/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
%
What is the North Korean equivalent of a Gallon?

One Supreme Litre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2jdzc/what_is_the_north_korean_equivalent_of_a_gallon/
%
What do you call a Russian with three testicles?

Whodyounickabollockov

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2j2ax/what_do_you_call_a_russian_with_three_testicles/
%
People always tell me my rhymes don't make sense.

And they're absolutely right. Pretense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2j1ua/people_always_tell_me_my_rhymes_dont_make_sense/
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Chuck Norris are sitting in a boat boat...

Arnold puts his finger in the air and states: “7,3km/h windspeed from 33° north-east“.
Stallone sticks out his tongue and says: “Exactly 20,87°C“.
Chuck Norris opens his trousers and sticks his dick in the water and says: “Exactly 12,609m deep“.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2j1gt/arnold_schwarzenegger_sylvester_stallone_and/
%
What’s the cheapest meat?

Deer balls, they’re under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2iurm/whats_the_cheapest_meat/
%
Did you know semen makes women lose weight?

It's true! I just ejaculated on a fat woman at the park and she started running!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2it83/did_you_know_semen_makes_women_lose_weight/
%
"What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" asked the Redditor. "Ravens have seventeen wing feathers with the end feather called a pinion, in contrast to crows having only sixteen wing feathers." answered the one known as Dan.

He continued, "Therefore, it's just a matter of a pinion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2iogm/whats_the_difference_between_a_raven_and_a_crow/
%
A blind man walks into a bar..

And a chair. And a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ikhq/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between a broken fence and a Reddit post ?

Reddit post gets reposted first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ikgc/whats_the_difference_between_a_broken_fence_and_a/
%
The man from Kent.

There once was a man from Kent, whose dick was badly bent. To save him the trouble, he put it in double, and instead of coming he went.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ijhv/the_man_from_kent/
%
What's the difference between Jews and boy scouts?

Boy scouts come back from camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ijej/whats_the_difference_between_jews_and_boy_scouts/
%
Whats red and smells like paint?

Red paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2iin9/whats_red_and_smells_like_paint/
%
"There's water in the carburetor"

A wife calls her husband in a panic...
Wife: "There's water in the carburetor!"
Husband: "The carburetor? That's ridiculous!"
Wife: "I'm telling you, the carburetor is completely flooded, there's water everywhere!"
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me come take a look where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ih1l/theres_water_in_the_carburetor/
%
What's the difference between Anthony Mundine and two minute noodles? [OC]

About 25 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2hw0u/whats_the_difference_between_anthony_mundine_and/
%
Two best friend olives are rolling around on the ground.

As they are rolling and playing one of the olives get squished. In complete shock the one olive says, "are you okay?!?" The squished friend says, "olive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2hufz/two_best_friend_olives_are_rolling_around_on_the/
%
Women in Thailand are like a box of chocolates

You never know which one has nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2htoj/women_in_thailand_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What’s the definition of a will?

C’mon guys it’s a dead giveaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2hsrs/whats_the_definition_of_a_will/
%
My grandfather was a great man, he went down in history

One time he also fingered a girl in Geography

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2hr5h/my_grandfather_was_a_great_man_he_went_down_in/
%
A redditor became a chemist

And decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.
He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.
He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortunate effect of being too effective at sedating the users. There were numerous reports of half-dissolved breath mints becoming lodged in unconscious purchasers' airways, causing asphyxiation and eventually death. This news led the Redditor into a great depression.
His son tried to cheer him up. "Dad," the son said, "Your breath mints are a huge commercial success! I'm eating one of your caffeinated mints and feel terrific!"
"Son," the Redditor wistfully explained, "The real choke is always in the calm mints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2hq5j/a_redditor_became_a_chemist/
%
Confucius say - To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2hnk2/confucius_say_to_be_happy_with_a_man_you_must/
%
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

Trump has never seen a garbanzo bean in a Russian hotel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2hl7r/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
%
How do you make jokes about giving birth funny?

It's all in the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2hk2u/how_do_you_make_jokes_about_giving_birth_funny/
%
A Priest, a Pastor, a Rabbi, and a Redditor walk into a bar...

The bartender, seeing the absurd entourage, scoffs and asks "Is this some kind of joke?"
The Redditor corrects him and says, "No actually, it's a repost"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2hh61/a_priest_a_pastor_a_rabbi_and_a_redditor_walk/
%
I have the memory of an elephant

I think I saw it at the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2hdd9/i_have_the_memory_of_an_elephant/
%
I go to the gym religiously...

About 2 times a year around the holidays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2hbdp/i_go_to_the_gym_religiously/
%
Researchers have developed a groundbreaking new birth control gel for men

How it works is the man applies the gel for about two minutes and then realizes he no longer needs sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2h1sm/researchers_have_developed_a_groundbreaking_new/
%
where's the only living gay Saudi Arabian?

just over a stones throw away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2gvpu/wheres_the_only_living_gay_saudi_arabian/
%
Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent...

Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2gve5/someone_broke_into_my_house_so_i_hid_in_the/
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My wife was about to put my son in a Minnesota Vikings jersey.

But I reminded her it was a choking hazard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2gqye/my_wife_was_about_to_put_my_son_in_a_minnesota/
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Chuck Norris once killed 50 people with his pistol.

Then, he started shooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2gnxp/chuck_norris_once_killed_50_people_with_his_pistol/
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Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One turns to the other and says "I must've blown like 20 bucks in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ggi1/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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Insomnia sucks

But on the bright side there’s only 3 sleeps to Xmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2gec9/insomnia_sucks/
%
Schrodinger goes to the vet to pick up his cat.

The vet says, "Well, Mr. Schrodinger, I've got some good news and some bad news..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2gc82/schrodinger_goes_to_the_vet_to_pick_up_his_cat/
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Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall !!

And I thought to myself " well that's a little con-descending "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2gamm/today_i_saw_a_dwarf_climbing_down_a_prison_wall/
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Went to the library and asked the Librarian have you got the book on small penises, she replied, it's not in yet.

I said yes that's the one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2g9ku/went_to_the_library_and_asked_the_librarian_have/
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A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.  The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2g9am/a_quality_assurance_engineer_walks_into_a_bar_and/
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Fowl humor

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.     She had several hundred young
pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and
was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to
her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a
distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and
fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this
morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to
investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.     He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next
one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an
overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace
Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2g8ph/fowl_humor/
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot

But I always found them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2g60g/when_i_was_a_kid_my_parents_moved_a_lot/
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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2g5mf/a_marine_a_navy_seal_and_a_delta_force_member_are/
%
TIFU by placing flowers on the wrong headstone in the cemetery

It was a grave mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2g439/tifu_by_placing_flowers_on_the_wrong_headstone_in/
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How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2g1rn/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_on_a_nude_beach/
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How many Men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

None, it should be open when she hands it to you..
(Ouch)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2fw40/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_open_a_bottle_of_beer/
%
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4.
I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.
**Principal:** What is 3+3?
**Boy:** 6.
**Principal:** 6+6.
**Boy:** 12.
The boy got all the questions right.
The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately.
The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
**Madam:** What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
**Boy:** Legs.
**Madam:** What is in your trousers that I don't have?
**Boy:** Pockets.
**Madam:** What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
**Boy:** Coconut.
**Madam:** What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
**Boy:** Bubble gum.
**Madam:** You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
**Boy:** Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
**Madam:** A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
**Boy:** Wedding ring.
**Madam:** I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
**Boy:** Nose.
**Madam:** I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
**Boy:** Arrow.
**Principal:** OH MY GOD.
**Madam:** What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?
**Boy:** Fork.
**Madam:** What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
**Boy:** Surname.
**Principal:** Ohooo!
**Madam:** What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
**Boy:** Heart.
**Principal:** Eeeeeh!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam,
"Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2fbxk/a_female_class_teacher_was_having_a_problem_with/
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There once was a police dog...

The K-9 unit had decided to get some new dogs to sniff out drugs and the like. One of them happened to have an exceptional talent for this, and while training this dog, several notorious local drug dealers had already been caught. Eventually, the dog was assigned to a cop, and the cop named the dog "Karma" seeing as it was bringing criminals what they deserved.
Now, some neighborhood drug dealers weren't particularly happy about this. Even the biggest drug lords had caught wind of this. Karma had busted them more times in the last three months than they had been caught in the previous year. After all, Karma had exceptional talents with this business. Thus, Sneaky Steve and Dealer Dave, two of the most notorious drug lords in the area, devised a clever plan to stop Karma from busting them so much. During a raid, Dave shot Karma three times in the leg. The dog was going to be out of commission forever. Dave thought he was successful, but out of his window, he heard the policemen saying:
"Look, if we can't use Karma, then maybe at least Karma's pups could be of use. Maybe they have the same talents."
"Sir, Karma has no pups."
"Well... we'll have to change that."
Dave and Steve realized that there was only one way to stop this - steal the dog and then remove its... certain organs. Late one night, Steve and Dave went down to the police department, evaded several officers, and took Karma out of the kennel. Steve, being the sneaky one he was, managed to get Karma to not bark the whole time, and Dave had brought a long switchblade to accomplish their mission.
Outside the station, in an alleyway, Steve held the dog down.
"Dave, what's taking you so long? Just cut 'is nuts off and we can get out of here!"
"Steve... I'm having a few unforeseen difficulties with this."
"Dave, this isn't that complicated. Just slice it off!"
"It's impossible, okay!"
"Why? Why can't you just do the job?"
"Well... Karma's a bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2f4ol/there_once_was_a_police_dog/
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I was just offered a stressful job being a tester for super strength Viagra.

I’m thinking of taking it. How hard can it be?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2f1wg/i_was_just_offered_a_stressful_job_being_a_tester/
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How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. We're efficient and have no sense of humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2euu5/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common?

*Same middle name*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2eqz4/what_do_alexander_the_great_and_winnie_the_pooh/
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What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US?

Agent orange, duh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ej97/what_is_orange_about_70_years_old_has_caused/
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I’m a panda

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a beer & a sandwich. As he finishes up his meal, he pulls a gun from his pelt & fires a round right through a Zima advertisement above the bar. He then heads for the door. The bartender shouts, “hey buddy, aren’t you going to pay your tab, & why’d you shoot up my bar?”  The panda stops a says, “I’m a panda man, look it up”, and strolls our the door. Bartender pulls out a dictionary & reads: panda—a large bearlike mammal with characteristic black and white markings, native to certain mountain forests of central and western China. It eats shoots & leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ecbr/im_a_panda/
%
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW out the car sales room .

Taking off down the motor-way , he floored it to 90 , enjoying the wind blowing through . Amazing he thought as he flew down the Motor Way, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him , blue light flashing, siren blaring .
''I can get away from him - no problem!'' He floored it to 130 , then 140 ...then 150 ...
Suddenly, he thought , '' What on earth am I doing ? I'm too old for this nonsense ! '' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .
Pulling in behind him , the officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW , looked at his watch and said , ''Sir , my shift ends in ten minutes , Today is Friday and I'm for the weekend , If you can give me a reason I've never heard before for why you were speeding , I'll let you go''
The Man looked very seriously at the police man , and replied , '' Years ago , my wife ran off with a policeman , I thought you were bringing her back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ec37/a_senior_citizen_drove_his_brand_new_bmw_out_the/
%
2 men are in the waiting line for hell...

2 men are in the waiting line that leads them to hell. One asks the other: "How did you end up here?"
They reply "I burnt a bible, and then shot up the ashes with a syringe".
I guess they shouldn't have used the Lord's name in vein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2eb4x/2_men_are_in_the_waiting_line_for_hell/
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My fetish? I like to have a champagne toast and tap glasses together.

"Klinky"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ea2d/my_fetish_i_like_to_have_a_champagne_toast_and/
%
I was there when they invented the shovel

At the time, it was groundbreaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2e9kk/i_was_there_when_they_invented_the_shovel/
%
A teacher asks her class “If there’s 14 crows sitting on a fence, and you shoot 2 off, how many crows are left on the fence?”

One little boy says, “None, the sound of the shotgun scared them all away.” The teacher says, “Thats not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you’re thinking!” The little boy then says “I have a question for you. There’s 3 women eating Ice cream cones. 1 Woman is licking, another woman is sucking, and the 3rd woman is biting the ice cream. Which one of the ladies is married?” The teacher answers, slightly embarrassed, “I would imagine it’s the one sucking?” The boy says, “No, it’s the one with a wedding ring, but I like the way you’re thinking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2e2fh/a_teacher_asks_her_class_if_theres_14_crows/
%
3 guys die and go to heaven

The angel at the pearly gates greets them and says, "You've all made it to heaven, and based on your faithfulness to your spouse you will receive an equally fitting vehicle to drive around in."
The angel asks the first guy how faithful he was, and he says, "I cheated once or twice." The angel checks his clipboard and sees that he's being honest and declares that he'll receive a Toyota Corolla.
The next guy steps up and the angel asks him the same question. "I was very faithful, but I went to club a few times." The angel checks his clipboard and sees that he's being honest, so he declares that he'll receive a Mercedes.
The third guy is then asked about his faithfulness, and he very proudly says, "I was extremely faithful! I never cheated, went to the club, or even looked at any other woman!" The angel consults his clipboard and is amazed that he's being honest and thus awards him a Bentley.
The three guys all take their ride and continue into heaven, and a few days later meet at a crossroads. The third guy, driving the Bentley, looks miserable! The first guy, curious about it, asks him. "You're in heaven, driving a beautiful car, what else could you possibly want? Why are you miserable?"
The third guy says, "no, I love heaven and I love my car, but I just bumped into my wife and she was driving a scooter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2e1mq/3_guys_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
A book fell on my head last night..

I only have my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2dzvs/a_book_fell_on_my_head_last_night/
%
A professional boxer has to fight a rookie. Right before the match begins, the rookie exclaims ''I think I can take that guy blindfolded!''

His coach replies "But what if he is not blindfolded?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2dx3q/a_professional_boxer_has_to_fight_a_rookie_right/
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My friend's always say I patronize people when I talk to them...

*Which means I talk to them like they're stupid.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2dwrb/my_friends_always_say_i_patronize_people_when_i/
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Heard about the do-it-yourself home rodeo?

Cook a romantic candle lit dinner for your girlfriend.  Have a good bottle of wine, and then lead her quietly into the bedroom.  You have already spread rose petals on top of the bed. Low seductive music in the background.   Erotically take each other’s clothes off, get her up on the bed on all fours.   Come in from behind, lean forward, cup her left breast with your left hand.  Hold your right hand high up in the air and then whisper “this is the way your sister likes it”, and see if you can stay on for 8 seconds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2dqu0/heard_about_the_doityourself_home_rodeo/
%
A girl is talking to her friend about the argument she had with her boyfriend.

-What happened? Why are you so sad?
-I was arguing with my boyfriend and told him to try and see from my point of view. He went to the kitchen's window...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2dq24/a_girl_is_talking_to_her_friend_about_the/
%
My wife has been missing for two weeks. The police said to prepare for the worst.

I suppose I should go to the charity shop and get all of her clothes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2dm18/my_wife_has_been_missing_for_two_weeks_the_police/
%
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are engaged in a light saber battle...

...when suddenly Darth grabs Luke by the tunic and pulls him close. "Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas",  he says to the young Jedi.
"How? How could you possibly know what I am getting for Christmas?" Luke says skeptically.
Vader replies: "Because, I felt your presents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2dlvr/darth_vader_and_luke_skywalker_are_engaged_in_a/
%
A professor told his class: " Fame will come to you only after you succeed!" A blonde asked ..

**"Who is 'Sid' ?"**
(not my own, unknown origin)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2dfo3/a_professor_told_his_class_fame_will_come_to_you/
%
Today I fell off a 30ft ladder

Luckily I was only on the first step.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2dfj0/today_i_fell_off_a_30ft_ladder/
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I’ve just finished inventing a time machine...

...I’m going to get started on it tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2dcup/ive_just_finished_inventing_a_time_machine/
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What does a scientist say about something that doesn’t exist?

It doesn’t matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2db71/what_does_a_scientist_say_about_something_that/
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I like my woman like my meme

Dead or just a few days old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2db6f/i_like_my_woman_like_my_meme/
%
What's the difference between a drug dealer, and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2da0q/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
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I've stopped saving jokes from r/Jokes,

I'll see them in a few hours on the front page anyway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2d8ee/ive_stopped_saving_jokes_from_rjokes/
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Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?

Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2d1x0/did_you_hear_about_the_premature_ejaculator_that/
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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2d1fh/a_jew_and_an_arab_go_into_a_bakery_the_arab/
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Idk why marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk

He is basically a giant banner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2cy8y/idk_why_marvel_hasnt_tried_to_put_advertisements/
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A suicidal man is about to jump off a building..

when he sees an armless man happily dancing & jumping on the street and he thinks: "Here I am with a complete set of limbs & miserable while an armless man is happy with his life. I better go down to him and ask him what's his secret to his happiness.."
So, he comes down the building and approaches the armless man: "Excuse me, sir. I was about to end my life by jumping off that building but then I noticed how you were happily dancing despite not having arms. What's your secret?"
Armless Man:"I dunno, man.. Ahh.. shit.. look, I've been trying for the past hour & it ain't working. This is gonna sound weird but can you scratch my balls for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2cx5r/a_suicidal_man_is_about_to_jump_off_a_building/
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One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day,  the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".
Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years old. If we don't ride that helicopter, we might never get another chance."
Grandma replied, "Kids that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
The kids and Grandma agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to the boys and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
The oldest grand child replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Grandma fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2cw7a/one_day_2_kids_were_walking_in_the_park_with/
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The difference between a raven and a crow.

A raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing. They are called pinion feathers.
A crow has 16.
So, the difference between a raven and a crow is basically a matter of a pinion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2cw68/the_difference_between_a_raven_and_a_crow/
%
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.

I have no idea why he wants an ex box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2cvs5/i_just_bought_my_son_a_flat_piece_of_cardboard/
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Why the fisherman gave up on the gorgeous girl

Two fishermen are fishing out at sea.
One day, a fisherman caught a mermaid.
Above her tail was the most gorgeous girl they had ever seen.
However, after throughly thinking things through, the fisherman decided to let her go.
His companion sent him a confused look and asked “WHY”?
He shrugged his shoulders and answered “HOW”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2cpde/why_the_fisherman_gave_up_on_the_gorgeous_girl/
%
My grandfather always gave 100%

He died donating blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2cozd/my_grandfather_always_gave_100/
%
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory.

Just one byte. And then everything crashed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2cneq/the_first_computer_dates_back_to_adam_and_eve_it/
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Why did the hermit crab refuse to go in his shell?

Because he was claw-strophobic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ci0u/why_did_the_hermit_crab_refuse_to_go_in_his_shell/
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What did the Doctor say to the man wearing cling-film?

I can clearly see you're nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2cd0t/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_man_wearing/
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If electricity always follows the path of least resistance...

Then why doesn’t lightning only hit France?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2c91i/if_electricity_always_follows_the_path_of_least/
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What's worse than infected soil in the greenhouse?

A global warming denier in the White House.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2c8sl/whats_worse_than_infected_soil_in_the_greenhouse/
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I don't masturbate

I fight prostate cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2c789/i_dont_masturbate/
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A man decides he will spend a year doing nothing except read all the jokes on r/jokes.

After a year a man comes up to him and asks
"How was it?"
He says, "It was boring, I spent 5 minutes reading all the jokes and the rest of the year reading the reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2c24e/a_man_decides_he_will_spend_a_year_doing_nothing/
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Whats Adolf Hitlers Favorite Video Game?

Mein Kraft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2c220/whats_adolf_hitlers_favorite_video_game/
%
What's the difference between a futon and a photon?

One is kinda heavy and the other's really light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2c0pp/whats_the_difference_between_a_futon_and_a_photon/
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A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied.....

Thanks for the Baghdad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2c0lh/a_father_in_iraq_gifted_his_daughter_a_new_bag/
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Why did the toilet-roll roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2bzol/why_did_the_toiletroll_roll_down_the_hill/
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Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone...

What sort of sick fuck does that to someone's advent calendar?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2bz3e/came_home_to_find_all_my_doors_had_been_smashed/
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As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2bwmf/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
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A girl asked me if I had a foot fetish. I said no.

I use the metric system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2bwlz/a_girl_asked_me_if_i_had_a_foot_fetish_i_said_no/
%
How many are eight Wizards of Oz?

One Wizard of Cups

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2bvm2/how_many_are_eight_wizards_of_oz/
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What's Santa's race?

North Polish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2bv4x/whats_santas_race/
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At the age of twelwe, Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.

And four years later, that priest went to a prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2buqv/at_the_age_of_twelwe_johnny_was_blessed_with_a/
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Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally

Not sure why. The sign clearly said "fine for parking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2bttb/got_a_parking_ticket_the_other_day_for_being/
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A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2br8o/a_lumberjack_went_in_to_a_magic_forest_to_cut_a/
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What kind of meat do you get from a Mexican pig?

Porque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2bqdp/what_kind_of_meat_do_you_get_from_a_mexican_pig/
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Spock actually had 3 ears

A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2bo90/spock_actually_had_3_ears/
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German stuff

I hate jokes about German sausages.....They're the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2bjj0/german_stuff/
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An Asian kid’s life

Kid: Dad, I got an A-
Dad: Don’t talk to me anymore. Next time you get something below A, don’t call me dad anymore.
The next day
Kid: Excuse me, mister...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2bdz9/an_asian_kids_life/
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Why do spaniards frequently plagiarize essays?

Because nobody inspects the Spanish exposition!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2bb9z/why_do_spaniards_frequently_plagiarize_essays/
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Santa came early

Is the only time someone came early and bore presents and not child support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2bb10/santa_came_early/
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A fat man went to a fat farm

The staff told him, “there are three kinds of services, 200 dollars, 500 dollars and 1000 dollars respectively.”
The fat man paid 200 dollars. He was led to a very large room. There was nothing but a bikini beauty in the room. She said:”Try to catch me. If you catch me, I will make love with you.” The fat man did. After going home he found he lost two kilograms.
The fat man went to the fat farm again. This time he paid 500 dollars. He was led to a very large room as well. There was nothing but a naked beauty. She said:”Try to catch me. If you catch me, I will make love with you.” The fat man did. After going home he found he lost 4 kilograms.
The fat man went to the fat farm for the third time. He paid 1000 dollars. Of course he was led to a very large room. However, there was nothing but a female orangutan. She said:”I will try to catch you. If you are caught I will make love with you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2bakk/a_fat_man_went_to_a_fat_farm/
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The British are the worst tourists.

Everywhere they go they take over the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2b1sr/the_british_are_the_worst_tourists/
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Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium, sodium sodium sodium sodium,

hey Jude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2b0mj/sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium/
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Couldn't figure out my seatbeat

Then it clicked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2az5o/couldnt_figure_out_my_seatbeat/
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I'm glad I learned sign language.

It's really handy!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ayyy/im_glad_i_learned_sign_language/
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They laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

They aren't laughing now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ayn6/they_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_be_a/
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I went to a restaurant the other day

And told the waiter to surprise me. He put bread around my shin and told me to enjoy my below-knee sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2at8g/i_went_to_a_restaurant_the_other_day/
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Why does Santa Clause have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2arrt/why_does_santa_clause_have_such_a_big_sack/
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Sarah, John and Dan are training to be FBI agents.

They eventually reach the final test in the FBI's training program.
The test was this: One person was given a gun and sent inside a room; the door shut behind them and that person's spouse would be tied to a chair inside the room. The person was then told to kill their spouse.
John goes first and fails the test, as he cannot bear the thought of killing his wife. Dan goes next and fails, for the same reasons as John.
It is now Sarah's turn and she heads inside the room. The door shuts. Gunfire is heard, followed by shouts of frustration. Banging on the walls ensues. A few minutes later, Sarah emerges from the room, wipes the sweat from her forehead, and says:
'Gun was loaded with blanks. I found another way.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2aqx2/sarah_john_and_dan_are_training_to_be_fbi_agents/
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What's a pirate's *least* favourite letter?

*Dear sir,*
*Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.*
*Sincerely, your service provider.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2akzm/whats_a_pirates_least_favourite_letter/
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What’s green and fuzzy and can kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2aj7z/whats_green_and_fuzzy_and_can_kill_you_if_it/
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If people whose last name is Mason came from stone workers and people with the last name Taylor came from tailors...

then I don't want to know what the Dickinson family used to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ai9o/if_people_whose_last_name_is_mason_came_from/
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A woman walked into a store with her kids

A cashier stopped her and asked her if they were twins. She replied "No, he's 13 and she's 7! Why would you ask?"
The cashier replied "I just didn't think someone as ugly as you could get laid twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2acat/a_woman_walked_into_a_store_with_her_kids/
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Despite what you might think, poop jokes aren't actually my favorite kind of joke

But they are a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2ac56/despite_what_you_might_think_poop_jokes_arent/
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What is Link's favorite dance at the club?

Macarena of Time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2aa1z/what_is_links_favorite_dance_at_the_club/
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What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2a826/what_did_the_drummer_call_his_twin_daughters/
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What did the German say when passed the blunt?

Danke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2a7hy/what_did_the_german_say_when_passed_the_blunt/
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I, for one, found No Nut November to be quite a breeze

But then again, I am highly allergic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2a66n/i_for_one_found_no_nut_november_to_be_quite_a/
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I am amazed with Bethesta's new game.

I have never seen anyone Fallout this hard with their audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2a44r/i_am_amazed_with_bethestas_new_game/
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Two guys are lost in the desert.

They wonder around for several days when the first guy stops and starts sniffing the air.
"You smell that...?" He says to his friend, who begins sniffing.
"Is that... bacon?" The friend responds.
"It is! Look!" He points off in the distance to a large plant. "Its a bacon-tree!"
Having not eaten in nearly a week, both men start running towards the plant, only to be shot at when they get close. They dive behind a rock, the first man shot in the shoulder. He looks up to his friend and says
"I'm so sorry! That's not a bacon-tree. It's a ham-bush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2a1qs/two_guys_are_lost_in_the_desert/
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Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a29zbp/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
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I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles...

“Hardback?”, asked the clerk.
“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a29mpq/i_just_went_into_my_local_bookstore_and_asked_if/
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I just bought my very first car, only to find the reverse gear broken.

Well, there’s no going back now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a29m3z/i_just_bought_my_very_first_car_only_to_find_the/
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A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender points to the sign on the wall that says "No jokes served here."
They ask, "Where can we get a drink?"
"The place across the street," replies the bartender.
As they start to leave, a horse walks in. The bartender points to the sign and says "Follow them," but before they made it out, the door a chicken flies in.
The bartender points and said, "You too."
The chicken says, "You've gotta be kidding me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a29jxe/a_priest_a_pastor_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_bar/
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They say the more you drink, the higher is your tolerance.

Not true. My grandpa is an alcoholic, yet extremely racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a29jvg/they_say_the_more_you_drink_the_higher_is_your/
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Test Results

John answers the phone one day and it's his wife's doctor on the phone.
"Sir. We have your wife's test results back but I am embarrassed to say we have mixed them up with the results of another patient. We have determined that your wife has either AIDS, or Alzheimer's Disease but are not sure which one."
"Well what should I do?" Says John.
"Drive her and drop her off somewhere outside of town. If she makes it back home, don't fuck her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a29jln/test_results/
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What gets better with age?

Daddy's belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a29ii6/what_gets_better_with_age/
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What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

A pick pocket snatches watches....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a29e65/whats_the_difference_between_a_pick_pocket_and_a/
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An athiest is walking in the woods

He comes across a bear. The bear looks up, sees the athiest, and charges.
In that moment, the athiest yells, "God help me!"
Suddenly, time stops. The bear is in midair, coming down on the athiest with a paw bigger than his head. He hears a voice, loud, booming, and as if from nowhere. He knows exactly who it is.
"YOU HAVE NEGLECTED TO BELIEVE IN ME YOUR WHOLE LIFE. WHY SHOULD I SAVE YOU NOW?"
The athiest, thinking quickly, replies, "You don't have to save me, just...make the bear a Christian."
Time starts again, and the bear slowly lowers it's paw. He hears the bear speak.
"Thank you, Lord, for this meal I am about to receive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a29e3d/an_athiest_is_walking_in_the_woods/
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The guillotine is the most humane method of execution, and it’s centuries old.

It was really ahead of its time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a29ckp/the_guillotine_is_the_most_humane_method_of/
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What is yellow and hurts when you get it in your eye?

An excavator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a29alu/what_is_yellow_and_hurts_when_you_get_it_in_your/
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Why did Jimmy miss the bus?

He wasn't aiming well enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a299iq/why_did_jimmy_miss_the_bus/
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I am terrified of elevators.

I am going to start taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a29970/i_am_terrified_of_elevators/
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In response to current controversies, the Catholic Church is changing the confessional process.

The phrase “Father, I have sinned.” will be replaced with “Daddy, I’ve been naughty.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a297gi/in_response_to_current_controversies_the_catholic/
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Two blondes walk into a bar

You would think the second one would notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a297dm/two_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
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Knock Knock!

Who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo Beep Beep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a295pm/knock_knock/
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Best joke probably ever

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
The second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
The third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
The first guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore.
The second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
The third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
The second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a294hc/best_joke_probably_ever/
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What do you call an animal that hibernates with a disorder that makes their moods change quickly?

A Bipolar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a293sh/what_do_you_call_an_animal_that_hibernates_with_a/
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A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder...

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder, he orders a pint of beer for himself and a saucer of milk for Tiny. The barman fetches the drinks and places them on the bar. The man starts to drink the pint and the newt laps up the milk. Upon seeing this the barman asks the man "Why do you call him tiny?" The man replies "because he's my newt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a292is/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_newt_on_his_shoulder/
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The Three Kingdoms

There once was a far off land with a perfectly triangular lake. Surrounding the lake was 3
kingdoms.
The first kingdom was wealthy and was filled with prosperous people, the second kingdom was more humble, but had its fair share of wealth and power. However, the third kingdom was small and barely had an army.
One day the kingdoms decided to battle for control of the lake. The first kingdom prepared 100 knights clad In their finest armour, each with an individual squire. The second kingdom prepared 50 knights with leather and chainmail and a few dozen squires. The third kingdom had an elderly knight with his personal squire.
The night before the big battle, the knights from the first kingdom went out and drunk late into the night with the finest ale they could buy. The second kingdom did the same but with cheaper wine and ale. However, the third kingdom’s squire tied some rope into a noose and hung it on a tall tree. The squire then hung a pot from the noose and cooked a stew for himself and the knight.
The next morning, the knights from the first and second kingdom were too hungover and the knight from the third kingdom was too weary. The squires then took their place. It was a long battle but in the end only one squire remained. The squire from the third kingdom.
And it just goes to show that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2915p/the_three_kingdoms/
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You will not believe what just happened...

I walked into the store to get a drink...When I walked in I noticed these 2 police officers watching some guy who was smoking while pumping gas.. I saw him & thought, "This guy didn't have any common sense & was he crazy? With the cops right there too?! But anyway, I went in and got my drink. As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming.. I looked outside and the dude's arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm and running around going crazy! I ran outside and the cops had put him on the ground and were putting the fire out with their coffees!! YES, THEIR COFFEES!...Then they put handcuffs on him and threw him in the police car.. I was thinking "He shouldn't have been smoking near the pump while getting gas" But being the nosey person that I am, I asked the cops what they were arresting him for.. The cop looked me dead in my eyes and said ... "WAVING A FIREARM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a290me/you_will_not_believe_what_just_happened/
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"It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up."

"That's not how field sobriety tests work," the police officer replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a28y4m/it_doesnt_matter_how_many_times_you_fall_its_how/
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I asked my boss, “Can I go home early?”

He said, “Only if you make up the time.”
Me: Ok, it is now 35 past 70.
Boss: You’re fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a28wcu/i_asked_my_boss_can_i_go_home_early/
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When does a joke become a “dad” joke?

When the punchline is a parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a28uak/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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Mary wouldn't go into acting.

But Hollywood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a28oyg/mary_wouldnt_go_into_acting/
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Stunned, my wife shouted, "You got a vasectomy without talking to me? Are you serious!?"

I replied, "Yes, I’m not kidding you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a28n0u/stunned_my_wife_shouted_you_got_a_vasectomy/
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Why Did Smokey Bear and his wife get a divorce?

Every time she got hot, he beat her with a shovel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a28llj/why_did_smokey_bear_and_his_wife_get_a_divorce/
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I know many jokes about unemployed people

Sadly none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a28l3f/i_know_many_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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How my mornings usually go

* Wake up
* Take a shit
* Get out of bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a28k5t/how_my_mornings_usually_go/
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(NSFW) So me and my native american guide were out buffalo hunting

I figured I would take him since his people are rather well known for living off the buffalo before they went relativly extinct. So while we were out in the field I just followed him and let him lead the way. Eventually he said he thought he had begun to find a trail but we later lost it.
So eventually we found a spot they had obviously been coming back to to graze. So we waited there. So finally the native american man after a while got down on his hands and knees. As he did so he told me he was going to be listening for vibrations on the ground to see if the herd might be coming back. When he put his ear to the ground I saw his eyes light up after a second and I asked him "what is it." And he just said "buffalo come" so I excitedly said "c'mon get up then we need to get ready if they are gonna here" then the native man lifted his head up and said to me
"No... buffalo come, ear sticky"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a28ii7/nsfw_so_me_and_my_native_american_guide_were_out/
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A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a28h4l/a_bloke_walks_into_a_glasgow_library_and_says_to/
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I was taking an early walk through the graveyard when i saw a man crouching by a gravestone..

"morning" I said.
"No" he replied "just having a shit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a28gmg/i_was_taking_an_early_walk_through_the_graveyard/
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A soldier was seriously ill with malaria he contacted while serving at Guadacanal.

Because of his serious illness, he was evacuated to a hospital located in Austrialia.  When he woke up, and found himself in a bright room, with an angelic faced nurse looking down at him.
Seeing this, he thinks he's in heaven, and through his cracked lips, he stammered "ddddddid you bring me here to die?"
Hearing this, the nurse cracked a big smile and replied "No, you silly Goose, they brought you here yesterday!"
I know this is a repost, but I posted this joke today as a salute to my Dad, who passed away last month at 95 years old, and I am convinced, is the inventor of the Dad Joke.  I did get a nice laugh at his memorial service today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a28bpj/a_soldier_was_seriously_ill_with_malaria_he/
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Yo mama so fat...

She tried one of those escape rooms, but couldn't figure out how to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a287e5/yo_mama_so_fat/
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A man wakes up in a dingy slum, with no memory of how he got there...

A man wakes up in a dingy slum, with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused. "What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a285la/a_man_wakes_up_in_a_dingy_slum_with_no_memory_of/
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I have the heart of a lion, and the eyes of an eagle.

Also a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2834n/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion_and_the_eyes_of_an/
%
How does a rabbi make coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a281du/how_does_a_rabbi_make_coffee/
%
Why isn't Barbie pregnant?

Ken came in a different box..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a27pzv/why_isnt_barbie_pregnant/
%
Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.
"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small  cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.
"Oh yeah?" Retorted Wendy as she shook out her hat and sauntered to the window. With a flick of her wrist, she pointed her wand outside.
"Tsk, is that all you got?" Meredith smirked.
But a moment later the storm clouds cleared away, and the sun was shining. With an extra wave, a rainbow appeared.
When Meredith was about to concede, she was interrupted-
"You two have NOTHING on me!"
Both witches sighed. *Karen*.
"Watch THIS!"
Karen began to twirl around the room, waving her wand wildly in the air. After five minutes, she stood dramatically still before tapping the wand on her forehead.
"Is that all-"
The two other witches winced as a flash of light filled the room. A moment later,  Karen was gone.
"Where did she go?" Wendy said, looking around the room.
"Why question a good thing?"
But it was then that Wendy noticed a gold coin on the ground. Picking it up, she flipped it over in her hands. "Meredith you might want to see this..."
On the tails side was an inscription reading "World's Best Witch". On the other was a smug portrait of Karen.
The two stares at it for a minute before Meredith spoke up.
"Weird hex, but okay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a27pgj/two_witches_were_arguing_about_who_was_the_better/
%
Just got back from my first Fight Club meeting...

I arrived a bit late so I missed all the rules, but it should be fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a27o2h/just_got_back_from_my_first_fight_club_meeting/
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Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a27n78/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
Tom Jones Syndrome

This guy went to his  doctor and said,
“Doc, I can’t stop singing certain songs. All morning  I’ve been humming ‘The Green, Green Grass Of Home.’ Yesterday it was,  ‘Delilah.’ Last week I sang ‘What’s New Pussycat?’ at least 100 times!  What’s wrong with me?”
The Doctor says, “Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me.”
The man says, “Never heard of that. Is it common?”
Doc says, “It’s not unusual.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a27kt5/tom_jones_syndrome/
%
why was the guitar teacher fired

fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a27il6/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_fired/
%
Man has to go to the doctor...

The doctor asking: What is your problem?
Answer: I got a green dick...
The doctor graps a book and returns to the man. He looks it up and he‘s saying: “Here we go, Brown dick, needs to be amputated...Grey dick, needs to be amputated...Blue dick, needs to be amputated too.“
The man is getting nervous and starts to sweat.
“And finally we got it“ said the doctor, “Green dick, dont needs to be amputated.“
The man is relieved until the doctor said: “Drops off by itself“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a27bu2/man_has_to_go_to_the_doctor/
%
Elbow jokes are hard to make,

Because they generally only go one way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a27abo/elbow_jokes_are_hard_to_make/
%
Doctor: "Have you ever thought of donating organs after your death?"

Man: " Yeah, I will donate my brain"
Doctor: "Good, all tiny bits help"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a27a2z/doctor_have_you_ever_thought_of_donating_organs/
%
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a279wq/the_other_day_my_friend_was_telling_me_i_didnt/
%
Guy Says to a Blonde Girl.

I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your boobs, Blonde girl says no way, so the guy fondles her boobs for three minutes, Blonde says OK when was I born? Guy replies Yesterday..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a279p9/guy_says_to_a_blonde_girl/
%
Man goes to doctor.

Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.
Doctor says “Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.”
Man bursts into tears. Says “But doctor...
I am Pagliacci.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a27540/man_goes_to_doctor/
%
An alcoholic wakes up in jail

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"
"For drinking," replies the officer.
"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a274hv/an_alcoholic_wakes_up_in_jail/
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What kind of milk do you use to make Swiss cheese?

Hole milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a274fq/what_kind_of_milk_do_you_use_to_make_swiss_cheese/
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A Man Goes to His Doctor...

Man: Doc, I think I have a problem.
Doc: Tell me about your problem.
Man: I  don't know why Doc but I get excessively angry whenever I see tiles.
Doc: Anything else?
Man: I loose control and start breaking every tile in sight.
Doc: Ah, I know what's wrong.
Man: Tell me Doc, I need to know.
Doc: You suffer from a wreck tile dysfunction.
(I'll see myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a26y5f/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor/
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What do you call a greco-spanish chicken god?

Apollo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a26wg5/what_do_you_call_a_grecospanish_chicken_god/
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Barack, Hillary and Donald are standing in front of the throne of heaven...

Almighty God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I want to ask you what you have learned and what you believe in.”
God asks Barack first: “Son, What do you believe in?”
Obama thinks long and hard, looks God straight in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my citizens.”
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and asks, “And what do you believe in?”
Hillary calculates for a while and then says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Barack I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”
God is greatly moved by Hillary’s eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and asks, “And you, Donald, what do you believe in?”
Donald replies, “I believe that, you are in my seat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a26u91/barack_hillary_and_donald_are_standing_in_front/
%
Four engineers get into a car. the car won't start.

**The mechanical engineer says :**
"its a broken starter"
**The electrical engineer :**
"dead battery"
**The chemical engineer:**
"impurities in the gasoline"
**The IT engineer:**
"Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a26tzt/four_engineers_get_into_a_car_the_car_wont_start/
%
I'm a procrastinator and a perfectionist.

Someday I'm going to be perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a26qrz/im_a_procrastinator_and_a_perfectionist/
%
Last night my girlfriend called me Daddy NSFW

I hate it when she does that, we’re cousins not father and daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a26pzs/last_night_my_girlfriend_called_me_daddy_nsfw/
%
How do you top a truck?

..tep on the brakes, tupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a26n3w/how_do_you_top_a_truck/
%
What are gay mermen afraid of?

MermAIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a26fpw/what_are_gay_mermen_afraid_of/
%
I just ended a 5 year relationship

It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a26dvz/i_just_ended_a_5_year_relationship/
%
What do you call it when an incel threatens to kill himself when someone doesn't respond to his desperate and creepy messages?

Fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a26d91/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_incel_threatens_to/
%
You know what really gets on my nerves?

myelin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a26b3t/you_know_what_really_gets_on_my_nerves/
%
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks.

We really need to raise the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a267ci/people_dont_like_having_to_bend_over_to_get_their/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

She fingered A Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a26689/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
A father buys a lie detector that slaps you when you lie.

He decided to try it out at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. His son says, "I was doing homework." The lie detector slaps him. "Ok, I watched a movie", he says.
The father asks him what movie he watched and he says, "Finding Nemo." The lie detector slaps him again. "Ok, ok. I watched porn."
Dad says, "At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The lie detector slaps the father. The mother laughs and says, "he's definitely your son."
The lie detector slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a265tv/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_that_slaps_you_when/
%
Two englishmen lost their donkey at a fetish convention

What a pair of assless chaps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a263xb/two_englishmen_lost_their_donkey_at_a_fetish/
%
What do call a black man flying a plane.

A pilot you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a263n0/what_do_call_a_black_man_flying_a_plane/
%
How do you make a perfect joke?

I don’t know. Go ask your mom and dad how did they do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a261c1/how_do_you_make_a_perfect_joke/
%
With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies "well I know he's a bad driver and a moron"

Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking  moron"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a25xup/with_christmas_coming_up_my_wife_asked_our_3_year/
%
A news reporter asked a male feminist

"Why did you join the feminist movement?"
The man proudly responded with:
"Because I think women are too dumb to run a movement... They should wash the dishes and let men handle woman's issues."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a25x1l/a_news_reporter_asked_a_male_feminist/
%
My last date just told me she tested HIV positive

It's always so hard to act surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a25uyh/my_last_date_just_told_me_she_tested_hiv_positive/
%
The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar...

...It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a25py6/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walked_into_a/
%
Three guys are walking down the street.

Two walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a25orx/three_guys_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
What do you call a man with 1000 pennies?

A man with a lot of common cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a25mvh/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_1000_pennies/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I didn't pay €50 in Amsterdam to have a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a25kyz/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
How do you get two Piccolo players to play in tune?

Depends which one you want to shoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a25i5g/how_do_you_get_two_piccolo_players_to_play_in_tune/
%
I like that it's said iPhone "ten" S

iPhone excess would have been a little on the nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a25hb0/i_like_that_its_said_iphone_ten_s/
%
I have a joke about unemployment

But I guess it will never work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a25h7c/i_have_a_joke_about_unemployment/
%
Please do not judge all these Catholic Priests for what you've been hearing...

They are all suffering from Porkin' sons Disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a25gv2/please_do_not_judge_all_these_catholic_priests/
%
Anti-vaxxers make me sick!!

Literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a255m7/antivaxxers_make_me_sick/
%
When performing surgery on a grape, you don’t need to use anesthesia.

It’ll only let out a little whine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a255ee/when_performing_surgery_on_a_grape_you_dont_need/
%
A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club...

"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a napkin, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy.
So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a252fq/a_gay_couple_jeremiah_and_timothy_was_feeling_hot/
%
Scientist have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.

Turns out it runs in the jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a250y0/scientist_have_discovered_that_diarrhea_is/
%
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a24zab/a_lawyer_and_a_senior_citizen_are_sitting_next_to/
%
Awesome name

Thanks, it was a birthday gift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a24vxb/awesome_name/
%
My mom wont let me go see the new pirate movie...

Because its rated NC-17 for all of the booty it shows the pirates fighting over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a24uex/my_mom_wont_let_me_go_see_the_new_pirate_movie/
%
[NSFW] A ship captain has the best crew but...

Every time he goes out to sea they drink all his rum. If it was any other crew he would get rid of them but they are the best he has ever worked with. So came up with a plan to recoup his costs. He gathers his crew and tells them "You are the best crew I have ever had but something needs to be done about the rum. When ever you guys finish a cask you have to rinse it out and then fill it with semen so I can make my money back selling candles." The crew looks kind of confused but think screw it free rum.
So the ship goes out and like always the crew drinks the rum. Afterwards they end up filling the cask like they where asked with no problem.
Once they reach port the captain sells the cask to candle maker. A couple months later the ship pulls up to the same port. The captain right away heads for the candle maker to sell of another cask.
As soon as he walks into the candle Maker's shop the owner strides up to him and punches him in the face saying "You son of a bitch." The captain very confused says "What was that for? Didn't the semen work well for candles?" The Candle maker says "Yea but it got all the Nuns in the convent pregnant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a24spx/nsfw_a_ship_captain_has_the_best_crew_but/
%
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman.

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback.
He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a24r7d/a_man_doing_market_research_knocked_on_a_door_and/
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How do you know when your lawyer is a criminal?

When your lawyer has a lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a24nds/how_do_you_know_when_your_lawyer_is_a_criminal/
%
a teacher asks

to one student.
teacher: there are 13 birds on a tree. i shoot at them. 5 of them down to ground. how many birds remain?
student: zero. because they will be frightened and flied away.
teacher: no. 8birds. but i like your style.
student: so can i ask a question?
teacher: yes. please
student: three women walking down the street. they all have ice cream. one licks the ice cream, one bites the ice cream and one sucks the ice cream. so which one is married?
after thinking a little
teacher: the one sucking.
student: no. the one has the ring. but i like your style.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a24mxq/a_teacher_asks/
%
A Scottish couple, were getting their child christened

Halfway through,  The minister glances at the father and says, 'Your daughter's name?'
The father whispered, “Spindona.”The minister thought the name a bit odd, but he went ahead and christened the baby Spindona.
As he did so, baby's mother burst into tears and the father furiously demanded why the minister had given his daughter such a ridiculous name. “But you said her name was Spindona,” protested the minister.
“Ah did not,” fumed the father, pointing to a piece of paper attached to the baby’s shawl. “Ah telt ye her name’s pinned oan her!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a24i34/a_scottish_couple_were_getting_their_child/
%
Will moses be at the president's cremation?

To witness another burning bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a24gam/will_moses_be_at_the_presidents_cremation/
%
Why do snipers close 1 eye when aiming?

If they closed both they wouldnt be able to see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a24e3l/why_do_snipers_close_1_eye_when_aiming/
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Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a24bkn/sometimes_it_is_very_important_if_a_sentence_was/
%
Little boy comes running home to tell his mom he just saw daddy with another woman..

“Mummy, mummy, I just saw daddy parked up near the woods and he had that nice woman from the grocery store in the car with him”
&nbsp;
“Really?? What were they doing?”
&nbsp;
“Well, at first they were just kissing, then daddy put his hand in her shirt then they both took all their clothes off completely”
&nbsp;
“Right! I think we should wait for daddy to get home and you can finish your story then ok?”
&nbsp;
Daddy returns home, they all sit down for dinner and mummy asks the little boy to tell them what he saw today now daddy is home.
&nbsp;
“Well I saw daddy and the nice woman from the grocery store parked up in daddy’s car near the woods”
&nbsp;
Mummy glares at daddy who is shifting uncomfortably on his seat and asks the boy to continue.
&nbsp;
“Well, they were kissing mummy, then daddy put his hand in her shirt then they both took all their clothes off completely”
&nbsp;
Daddy is bright red in the face as mummy asks the boy what they did now all their clothes were off..
&nbsp;
“Well, then they did what you and uncle Brian did that time daddy was away on business.. only not for as long, and she didn’t take it in the ass like you did mummy..”
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a24axi/little_boy_comes_running_home_to_tell_his_mom_he/
%
Why did the cat chase the mouse?

He was in purrrrrrrrrrsuit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a248vq/why_did_the_cat_chase_the_mouse/
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I'm creating a WWE match between origami figures.

It's paper view.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a247a4/im_creating_a_wwe_match_between_origami_figures/
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I was buying a large Christmas tree...

... and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?"
I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2466q/i_was_buying_a_large_christmas_tree/
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No nut November was pretty difficult but

I beat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a242rz/no_nut_november_was_pretty_difficult_but/
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I was wondering why the ball kept coming closer

And then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a240zc/i_was_wondering_why_the_ball_kept_coming_closer/
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The tattoo parlor in my neighborhood is offering free tattoos to anyone who would flash their boobs.

Tit for tat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a240g7/the_tattoo_parlor_in_my_neighborhood_is_offering/
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The old man at the IRS office

An 80 year old gets a summons from the IRS to appear at the offices to discuss large deposits coming into his accounts that don’t appear on his tax filings..
The old man is a bit nervous and he hires a lawyer to assist him...
He arrives Monday morning and goes into the interview room...
The agent says we see these large deposits and we don’t see you’ve accounted for them?? We may need to audit you, can you explain??
The old mans says,  Son I’m mostly an honest man, but sometimes I do a little gambling and I like to bet on things... and make it large enough that it means something...
Like... Mr Agent I’ll bet you $5,000 I can bite my own eye...
The IRS agenda thinks ... and says to himself no-way... you’re on.
The old man grabs his left eye, which happens to be glass and bites it with his teeth...
The IRS agent says ... aaaaargh SonofBitch...
The old man says I know you’re with the IRS and I don’t want to make you mad, I want to give you a chance to win your money back...
Tell you what... I’ll bet you $7500 I can bite my other eye...
The agent thinks for a minute ... says  to himself  .. I didn’t see a cane or a seeing eye dog..  you’re on!!
The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye....
The agent says aaargh Sonofabitch
The old man says don’t worry ... even though you’re out 12.5...
I’ll give you another chance to win your money back and more...
You see that garbage can at the other side of the room?
I’ll bet you $10,000 that I can stand behind your desk and pee into that garbage can and I won’t spill a drop outside the can... not one!
The IRS  agent says You’re on!!
The old man stands up... aims and pees all over the IRS agents desk...
The agent says. Ha Haaaaa I got you now!!!
The lawyer starts shaking his head and covers his eyes...
The agent asks the lawyer what’s wrong with you?
On the way over here, my client bet me $100,000 that he could piss all over your desk and you’d be Happy!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2403c/the_old_man_at_the_irs_office/
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A Priest and a Rabbi are in a burning church

The Rabbi says to the Priest: "we gotta get out of here"
Priest: "what do we do with the children"
Rabbi: "fuck the children"
Priest: "how long do you think that will take?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a23xmt/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_in_a_burning_church/
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Did you know that Bruce Willis has owned more than 100 Hondas?

His favourite was the fifth Element.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a23vcd/did_you_know_that_bruce_willis_has_owned_more/
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3 underage guys walk into a bar

They order 3 beers but the bartender turns them down. They look sad so he feels sorry for them and makes a deal. If they have a combined penis length of 50 inches, they can buy their beer. They accept the deal and start measuring. The first guys has a 25” penis, the second 24 and the last one has 1”. Having reached the goal they get their beer.
Later as they sit at a table enjoying their beer the first guy goes:
“Good thing I had a 25” penis so we could get a beer, huh guys?”
“Yeah. Good thing mine was 24” says the second.
Then last guy goes “Yeah and thank god mine was hard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a23ui4/3_underage_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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How do you know if your coffee is fancy?

By how poor the country it came from is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a23trw/how_do_you_know_if_your_coffee_is_fancy/
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Why do things get built so fast in Finland?

Because as soon as they start it’s Finnish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a23t74/why_do_things_get_built_so_fast_in_finland/
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One day a man returns home early...

Wife: Why are you early home today?
Husband: because boss told me to just go to hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a23ssk/one_day_a_man_returns_home_early/
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A prostitute? Awesome Irish Prostitute.....

Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a23ot4/a_prostitute_awesome_irish_prostitute/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because it's no longer November, and I left my window open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a23mrn/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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A guy has problems in bed...

So a guy us having major problems in bed, he cannot get it up. Well after he tried to do the deed and fails, his wife starts telling him,
W: honey go to the doctor, he will fix your issues!
So he does, the doctor hears his problem, and gives him pills to help. The doctor says, “son, when you go home take 2 pills and all will be fine!”
So while walking home, the guy is thinking, “why 2? Why 2? I AM A MAN!” And proceeds to chuck the whole bottle.
Coming home his problem was fixed and he had a raging bazooka boner, so he has sex with his wife...
That does not help, and he has sex with his mother in-law, that does not help either.
So the guy begins to have sex with everyone he sees on his way around the village.
The villagers, terrified, all flee to the forest. Once there, an elder calls over a young man and says:
And so the kid went. Meanwhile the guy was exhausted yet still not satisfied so he decided that maybe, if he electrocuted his penis his erection will go away. He cut an electric line in half and stuck his penis into it.
This was the exact picture the kid has seen, and after seeing it he ran back to the forest. So when the elder sees him she asks,
To which the kid, terrified and breathless replies,
K: I dont think so, I think the dude just started charging his penis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a23kqh/a_guy_has_problems_in_bed/
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If having sex for money makes you a hoe...

Does having sex for free make you a nonprofit whore-ganization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a23hmg/if_having_sex_for_money_makes_you_a_hoe/
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Why did the doctor think the fat guy had epilepsy?

He kept having Little Caesar's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a23fz8/why_did_the_doctor_think_the_fat_guy_had_epilepsy/
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Waiter: Sir, tip?

Me: Drink 8 glasses of water daily

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a23c25/waiter_sir_tip/
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Do you hear about the earthquake in Alaska?

Sorry, that’s a bad ice breaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a23bu1/do_you_hear_about_the_earthquake_in_alaska/
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Quiz Show

Jane was a first time contestant on the $100,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her  opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had  run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane  agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband  drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the  answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will  probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten  minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started  heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After  an agonizing three-hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide  and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The  question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the  answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to  sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At  3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her  the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane  replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in  the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane  replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she  could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day's events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $100,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS You've won!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2369s/quiz_show/
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What did the Priest say to the Nun at the salad bar?

Lettuce Pray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2353l/what_did_the_priest_say_to_the_nun_at_the_salad/
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Earl and Bubba

are quietly sitting in a boat on the river, fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think  it over..............women like that are hard to find."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a234wh/earl_and_bubba/
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Scooby dooby dooby

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast  enlargement. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower,  rub the top of your nipples and say, "Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies."
She did this every day faithfully and after several months--it worked ! She grew great boobs !
One morning she had slept in and rushed to her bus stop to get to work. Her bus pulled up and she got on. On the bus she realized that  she had forgotten to do her morning ritual. By now, she loved her boobs  and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and  said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory Dickory Dock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2344t/scooby_dooby_dooby/
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The word nun...

...is just the letter n doing a forward roll...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a233zh/the_word_nun/
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What do you call a South American girl who's always in a hurry?

Urgent Tina

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22zny/what_do_you_call_a_south_american_girl_whos/
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Some people don’t know that “it’s” is short for “it is”.

But it’s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22zfq/some_people_dont_know_that_its_is_short_for_it_is/
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What is the Russian word for "syphilis"?

Rotchercrotchoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22y9e/what_is_the_russian_word_for_syphilis/
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A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"
The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."
The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22y7r/a_russian_a_frenchman_and_an_englishman_argued/
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While in court to divorce Minnie Mouse the judge looks to Mickey and says: “Mickey, you can’t divorce Minnie just because you say she’s crazy.”

He looks up and the judge and says:
“Judge, I never said that she was crazy. I said she’s fucking Goofy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22t04/while_in_court_to_divorce_minnie_mouse_the_judge/
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John Oliver have created few years back the site where you can "Scream something into the void". Sadly that site is now deleted, but I have found an alternative.

It's called the customer support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22qma/john_oliver_have_created_few_years_back_the_site/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22op6/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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I hate when people ask me how I see myself in 2 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22gx2/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_how_i_see_myself_in_2/
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What do you call a black doctor?

A doctor, you racist asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22fuw/what_do_you_call_a_black_doctor/
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- Doctor, do you think this headache I have is bad?

~ "Doctor"?? What "doctor"??? I am St Peter!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22fg3/doctor_do_you_think_this_headache_i_have_is_bad/
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Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

They always take things literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22dbz/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22cd8/no_nut_november_was_pretty_tough/
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My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses...

Before that, life was a blur...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22bkp/my_earliest_childhood_memory_is_visiting_the_eye/
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I just got a dry erase board...

It's remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22b17/i_just_got_a_dry_erase_board/
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Karmasutra

where fate fucks you in all sorts of creative ways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22789/karmasutra/
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Since it's Destroy Dick December,

we're gonna have a really white christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a22329/since_its_destroy_dick_december/
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I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word...

I can’t express how angry that makes me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a21viy/i_just_found_out_that_aaarghh_is_not_a_real_word/
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Me

That's it. That's the fucking joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a21rrd/me/
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What does a Blue Whale do on a date?

Netflix and Krill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a21rn4/what_does_a_blue_whale_do_on_a_date/
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I opened my son's bedroom door and there was an orgy happening. I was livid.

That they noticed me standing there so soon...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a21owg/i_opened_my_sons_bedroom_door_and_there_was_an/
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What are parallel lines ?

They are vegetarians because they never meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a21oq6/what_are_parallel_lines/
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My friend found a brilliant sausage website

I’ve asked him to send me a link

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a21nmv/my_friend_found_a_brilliant_sausage_website/
%
Did you hear that the writer of the Hokey Cokey has died?

The family are struggling to get him buried though, they can’t get him in the coffin...
It all started when they tried to get his left leg in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a21nex/did_you_hear_that_the_writer_of_the_hokey_cokey/
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Why does Santa have such a large sack?

Because he comes only once a year...
Source: Kinda Funny Forums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a21i2v/why_does_santa_have_such_a_large_sack/
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A man prays to win the lottery...

Every night, he prays to God, "Please Lord, let me win the lottery tomorrow". Years go by and the man continues to pray. Finally, one night he gets an answer from God. He says the usual prayer, "Please Lord, let me win the lottery tomorrow".
And finally God says, "You have to buy a lottery ticket first dumbass!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a21hi5/a_man_prays_to_win_the_lottery/
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Therapist: What's the issue?

Dave: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Dave: That's right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a21fdh/therapist_whats_the_issue/
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I'd like to thank everyone who taught me the definition of 'many'

it really means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a21anw/id_like_to_thank_everyone_who_taught_me_the/
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New life

Well, I can congratulate you! A new life has arisen in you !!!
Doctor ... but I'm a man!
Really? Well, actually, the worms somehow do not care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a219dw/new_life/
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What’s every SWAT team leader’s favourite chess move?

C4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a217qh/whats_every_swat_team_leaders_favourite_chess_move/
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Two clowns were crying near the circus

A passer-by asks them why are they crying.
"Well, the elephant has died"
"And you loved him so much?"
"No, but they've put us to dig his grave"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a210qr/two_clowns_were_crying_near_the_circus/
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Why are Safety Goggles better protection than Sunglasses for heavy duty jobs?

Because Sunglasses only provide light resistance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a2101p/why_are_safety_goggles_better_protection_than/
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You know how they named Canada, right?

They pulled letters from a hat.
"C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a20zof/you_know_how_they_named_canada_right/
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A lady goes to the dentist

The dentist looks in her mouth and says "that tooth needs to come out".
She says "oh no I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth pulled".
The dentist says "ok but make up your mind, I need to adjust the chair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a20z3c/a_lady_goes_to_the_dentist/
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Whenever I see a woman driving a bus, I smile thinking about how far we have come as a society

And then I wait for the next bus to come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a20v3b/whenever_i_see_a_woman_driving_a_bus_i_smile/
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If someone could just reverse the process of making wine...

That would be grape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a20r2k/if_someone_could_just_reverse_the_process_of/
%
A guy walks into a bar and says, “Hey bartender, I’ll take a beer please. Anything but a Busch.”

The bartender grabs a Bud, hands it to the man and says “Here, but I gotta ask, why not a Busch?”
The man replies “Last weekend I drank almost a whole case of Busch and later that night I blew chunks.”
The bartender, looking obviously confused, says back “well, yeah sure, man. Drink a case of any kind of beer and you’re bound to throw up.”
The man shakes his head and says “Sir I don’t think you understand.. Chunks is my dog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a20q5h/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_hey_bartender_ill/
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Doctor2: Well, I've got good news and bad news

Man: What's the good news?
Doctor: You have, at most, a month to live.
Man: My God, what is the bad news?!
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you for weeks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a20mgl/doctor2_well_ive_got_good_news_and_bad_news/
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High or High Blood? :D

The Attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is 130."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a20lov/high_or_high_blood_d/
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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’  The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself.  She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra  Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.  She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.  He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a20j1q/a_woman_decides_to_have_a_face_lift_for_her_50th/
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WHY DON’T THEY PLAY POKER IN THE JUNGLE?

Too many cheetahs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a20gws/why_dont_they_play_poker_in_the_jungle/
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We called my grandfather "Spiderman"...

He didn't have any special super-hero powers or anything- he just couldn't get out of the bath sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a20f5t/we_called_my_grandfather_spiderman/
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Neil DeGrasse Tyson is now being investigated for sexual misconduct.

But is it really all that surprising that an astrophysicist pulled a Spacey?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a20etc/neil_degrasse_tyson_is_now_being_investigated_for/
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You hear the one about the slow computer?

It was restarted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a20e33/you_hear_the_one_about_the_slow_computer/
%
You know what they say: If you've seen one retail job,

then you've seen the mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a20a90/you_know_what_they_say_if_youve_seen_one_retail/
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Studies show cows produce more milk when the Farmer talks to them

It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a207ni/studies_show_cows_produce_more_milk_when_the/
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A man was shot with a starting pistol and then beaten to death with a relay baton.

Police believe it may be race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a20538/a_man_was_shot_with_a_starting_pistol_and_then/
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A man is fucking a woman in the car in an empty parking lot.

A police cruiser stops and the cop gets out. He knocks on the door. The guy rolls down the window.
Cop  - what you are doing here is illegal. Now either you go to jail or I am next when you are finished with her.
Man - it’s ok but I have never fucked a cop before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a200y6/a_man_is_fucking_a_woman_in_the_car_in_an_empty/
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I like my coffee like my ex wife...

I prefer tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1zzf6/i_like_my_coffee_like_my_ex_wife/
%
Two blondes went out deer hunting...

...and they managed to shoot a deer.  They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck.
An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong.  You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair.  If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier."
So the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers.  After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right!  It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground."
"Yeah, he was," said the other blonde.  "But we sure are getting far away from our pick up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1zx1z/two_blondes_went_out_deer_hunting/
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A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.
The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.
She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.
“Well, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs, and I’ve never been KISSED before.”
“Well, I can help with that!” replies the handsome man.
In one motion, he scoops the old woman out of her chair, dips her in a romantic way, and gives her a long, passionate kiss. Her tears of sadness turned to tears of joy as he set her back in her chair.  She thanked him over and over again, and finally he continued along his beachside run, feeling great about the good deed he had just performed. “I won’t live much longer,” she said, “but I’ll die a happy woman.”
A few weeks later, the same good looking dude is running along the same stretch of beach and he comes across the same old woman in the wheelchair. She’s sobbing again, and when she sees the same handsome man, she gets instantly embarrassed and shy.
But he’s persistent and wants to know what is wrong.
She wipes her tears back, and says “well, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs and I’ve never been FUCKED before. “
“Well, I can help with that!” replies the handsome man.
In one motion, he scoops the old woman out of her chair, dips her in a romantic way, carries her out to the end of a pier, throws her into the ocean and yells “now you’re fucked!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1zvo1/a_very_fit_attractive_man_is_jogging_along_the/
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When is a door not a door?

When it’s ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1zvet/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
%
A family is out on a trip to see nature.

Dad : And that up there, is a family of swallows.
Boy : That's so cool!
Girl : Wait a minute, where's mommy swallow?
Dad : I haven't seen mommy swallow since before you were born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1zuc8/a_family_is_out_on_a_trip_to_see_nature/
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I hate that clown from IT.

Always joking around instead of fixing those damn computers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1zrbz/i_hate_that_clown_from_it/
%
My first time having sex was like the olympic 100 meter sprint.

Not because it was over in 10 seconds, but because it included 8 black men and a gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1zl67/my_first_time_having_sex_was_like_the_olympic_100/
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What's a vampire's beer of choice?

Bloodweiser. (Or Blood Light, if he's a total pussy.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1zkc6/whats_a_vampires_beer_of_choice/
%
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie...

Clooney said, "I'll produce."
DiCaprio said, " I'll direct."
McConaughey said, " I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1zgvs/george_clooney_leonardo_dicaprio_and_matthew/
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What do you call a symphony comprised entirely of pigs?

A porkestra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1zes2/what_do_you_call_a_symphony_comprised_entirely_of/
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My friends recommended the British Casino weight loss method

It really works. I've already lost fifty pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1z91u/my_friends_recommended_the_british_casino_weight/
%
What's a Journalist's favorite Vegetable?

Leeks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1z8ba/whats_a_journalists_favorite_vegetable/
%
Don't feel bad about losing your virginity ladies.

At least you still have the box it came in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1z4cx/dont_feel_bad_about_losing_your_virginity_ladies/
%
Why did the scarecrow get an award?

Because he was out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1z2xu/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_an_award/
%
An artist had his first gallery showing.

The show was a mild success. He sold a few paintings and met some critics and seemed to make a good impression. But he wasn't feeling well so he made his apologies and went home to bed before the show was over.
The next day he calls the gallery director to see how the rest of the show went.
"Well, I have good news and bad news.", the director told him.
"Okay. Give me the good news."
"Right at the end of the show, somebody came in and bought all of your paintings."
"Really? That's awesome! I can't believe it but what's the bad news?"
"It was your doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1z2n6/an_artist_had_his_first_gallery_showing/
%
Wives are like grenades

Take off the ring and Boom! The house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1z1mq/wives_are_like_grenades/
%
Harvey Weinstein is so fat...

He's the only person in Hollywood that hasn't seen his dick.
He got #meethree'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1z16x/harvey_weinstein_is_so_fat/
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I'm obsessed with my F1 key.

I think I need help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1yzxu/im_obsessed_with_my_f1_key/
%
My 7 year old asked me "Is up shut a bad word?"

I replied "Ahh no?"
He replied "But it's the reverse of shut up!"with a huge grin.
Reddit he wanted me to share his first joke with everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1yykm/my_7_year_old_asked_me_is_up_shut_a_bad_word/
%
What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ywba/what_happens_when_you_eat_aluminum_foil/
%
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity  to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up  to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ysiv/three_women_die_together_in_an_accident_and_go_to/
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Yoga studios are kinda aggresive.

When I go to leave they always tell me "Nah must stay!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1yptq/yoga_studios_are_kinda_aggresive/
%
The airline food made me sick on my way to Germany...

it was the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1yltk/the_airline_food_made_me_sick_on_my_way_to_germany/
%
A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.
He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.
“I’ll take a look at it, but it’s going to be a while.”, the mechanic says.
“Is there anything in town I can do while you’re fixing the car?”, the penguin replies.
“There’s an ice cream shop down the road within walking distance.”, the mechanic says.
Naturally, penguins love ice cream. Both come from cold environments, and it’s also tasty
The penguin heads to the ice cream shop and orders himself a vanilla cone. He thanks the cashier, and begins eating.
Now penguins can’t eat well. Flippers aren’t exactly the greatest utensils for eating, but the penguin gulps down the ice cream with his flippers, while getting vanilla ice cream all over himself in the process.
He then heads back to the gas station and sees the mechanic with his head under the hood, peering into the engine.
Hearing the penguin, he turns around and says, “Looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
“No, that’s just ice cream.”, the penguin replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1yhl6/a_penguin_some_ice_cream_and_a_mechanic/
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An European court banned parents from naming their kid Nutella.

They stopped a stupid name before it could spread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ya25/an_european_court_banned_parents_from_naming/
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Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake...

because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1y395/thought_id_be_nice_and_let_the_kids_watch_a/
%
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...

...are you testing its utensil strength?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xzl5/if_you_try_to_stretch_a_fork_to_see_if_it_breaks/
%
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xzbe/a_man_goes_to_a_10_hooker_and_contracts_crabs/
%
The 41st US president hired a barber for his family

His job was to trim the bushes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xvsa/the_41st_us_president_hired_a_barber_for_his/
%
They say that invisibility will become a reality in 50 years...

I don't know about you, but I just can't see it happening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xruj/they_say_that_invisibility_will_become_a_reality/
%
How do you know a cheerleader is into you?

She keeps yelling at you, "give me a D!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xrro/how_do_you_know_a_cheerleader_is_into_you/
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What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xpzd/what_do_you_get_when_you_insert_human_dna_into_a/
%
What turns on a male duck the most?

A nice butt quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xput/what_turns_on_a_male_duck_the_most/
%
Friend “How broke are you?”

Me “I say cheers when I drink water!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xpd7/friend_how_broke_are_you/
%
Why can't dogs play video games?

Because the pause keeps stopping them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xlwp/why_cant_dogs_play_video_games/
%
Whats the best thing about Switzerland?

Their flag is a Big Plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xlhn/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
What is brown and sticky?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xl9h/what_is_brown_and_sticky/
%
Almost had a threesome last night...

Just needed 2 more people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xkj9/almost_had_a_threesome_last_night/
%
What's every priest's favorite choir song?

"His Coming" in A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xkdk/whats_every_priests_favorite_choir_song/
%
A woman walked into a pharmacy and asks

"Can you sell me some cyanide?"
The pharmacist asks what it's going to be used for.
"I need to kill my husband."
"Sorry, I can't sell it to you."
The woman pulls out a picture of her husband sleeping with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist immediately pales and says:
"I didn't know you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xihh/a_woman_walked_into_a_pharmacy_and_asks/
%
What do you call the binding of female chickens?

Hen-tai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xe6i/what_do_you_call_the_binding_of_female_chickens/
%
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!
Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1xc34/doctor_do_you_want_the_good_news_first_or_the_bad/
%
How do you tell the difference between a priest and a mathematician?

Ask them to pronounce “sin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1x87n/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_priest/
%
I applied to get a job as a video editor.

Didn’t make the final cut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1x7io/i_applied_to_get_a_job_as_a_video_editor/
%
I bought the worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1x6c1/i_bought_the_worst_thesaurus_yesterday/
%
Obesity.

It’s a big problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1x532/obesity/
%
I'm currently working on an oral sex joke.

I'll give you a taste of what's to come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1x4a1/im_currently_working_on_an_oral_sex_joke/
%
Why did Frosty the Snowman drop his pants?

He heard that the snowblower was coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1x0o7/why_did_frosty_the_snowman_drop_his_pants/
%
Ted the bus driver was pulled over by a cop

He was busted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1x0b0/ted_the_bus_driver_was_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
%
I wasn't going to visit my parents this xmas, but my mom promised she'd make me eggs benedict

So I'm going home for the hollandaise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1wzwj/i_wasnt_going_to_visit_my_parents_this_xmas_but/
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The Smallest Dick In The World

3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one goes in and comes back "Yeeehaw! I have the smallest arms in the world!". Then the second guy goes in and comes back a few minutes later "YES! I HAVE THE SMALLEST HEAD IN THE WOOOORLD!!!". Last, but not least the 3rd guy goes in and after just one minute he comes back out crying... "Who TF is /u/M3ltd0wn_ ??!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1wvjm/the_smallest_dick_in_the_world/
%
I stormed into the boss's office and demanded to know why I had been overlooked for the position of Head of Accounting...

He shot back, "Because you're the fucking janitor, Gary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1wv1a/i_stormed_into_the_bosss_office_and_demanded_to/
%
Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1wuvo/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/
%
My penis is the same length as 2 Argos pens...

Also I'm not allowed in Argos anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1wrkl/my_penis_is_the_same_length_as_2_argos_pens/
%
I got fired for putting the library in order...

I put all the religion book in the fiction section..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1wnvw/i_got_fired_for_putting_the_library_in_order/
%
What do Donald Trump and the Dude have in common?

They both love white Russians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1wmgb/what_do_donald_trump_and_the_dude_have_in_common/
%
I’m in a loving marriage of 14 years and still have sex three times a week.

I hope my wife doesn’t find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1wk59/im_in_a_loving_marriage_of_14_years_and_still/
%
What's the worst thing your wife has said while you were making love?

Honey, I'm home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1whm4/whats_the_worst_thing_your_wife_has_said_while/
%
Whenever I get a stack of job applications, I always choose half at random to throw away.

After all, I can’t have unlucky people working for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1wefn/whenever_i_get_a_stack_of_job_applications_i/
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To the thief who stole my Microsoft Office... I will get my revenge...

you have my Word...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1wduk/to_the_thief_who_stole_my_microsoft_office_i_will/
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I’m disappointed to say I failed my analogy course

It hit me like a length of ham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1w9gw/im_disappointed_to_say_i_failed_my_analogy_course/
%
"Hmm," I said to the fishmonger, examining the selection. "I've got the munchies, I will eat any of these."

"Smoked trout?" he asked.
"No," I replied. "Just a little bit of weed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1w2it/hmm_i_said_to_the_fishmonger_examining_the/
%
How does Trump deport Mexicans?

Juan by Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1vxy6/how_does_trump_deport_mexicans/
%
If I'm ever on life support in an ICU and don't wake up from a coma, please turn the system off.

And then back on and see if that works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1vt0t/if_im_ever_on_life_support_in_an_icu_and_dont/
%
There must be a typo in the "sort by" options

I chose "new" but they're all reposts. Should be "knew" instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1vqh4/there_must_be_a_typo_in_the_sort_by_options/
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Why do riot police like to go to work early?

To beat the crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1vqan/why_do_riot_police_like_to_go_to_work_early/
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I made a vegetable soup.

Sadly he dropped it all over his wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1vlv5/i_made_a_vegetable_soup/
%
How thicc is the world?

Thiccccccc with 7 Cs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1vay4/how_thicc_is_the_world/
%
Apparently my snoring is so loud that

I scare everyone in the car I'm driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1vag2/apparently_my_snoring_is_so_loud_that/
%
My wife and I had to take jobs as double-ended dildo testers.

Just trying to make our ends meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1v7q2/my_wife_and_i_had_to_take_jobs_as_doubleended/
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Burning fat

Person 1:
I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes
Person 2: How?
Person 1: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1v487/burning_fat/
%
Today I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother

Broco Lee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1v3k1/today_i_met_bruce_lees_vegetarian_brother/
%
Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate, then burning them. But I was just wondering,

should I keep the letters?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1v1ij/someone_told_me_that_you_can_let_out_all_your/
%
Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog?

Because he wanted to get a long little doggy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1uyf3/why_did_the_cowboy_get_a_weiner_dog/
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The owner of a new business comes to work one day to see that their "Grand Opening" banner had come undone overnight and fell to the ground.

"This is a bad sign" they remark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1uvi2/the_owner_of_a_new_business_comes_to_work_one_day/
%
Netflix cancels Daredevil...

Well, that's one thing Matt Murdock didn't see coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ur4b/netflix_cancels_daredevil/
%
What do you call an Asian Prostitute?

An Ori-Rental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1uqt5/what_do_you_call_an_asian_prostitute/
%
Why is St. Nick afraid of going down chimneys?

Claustrophobia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1uqqo/why_is_st_nick_afraid_of_going_down_chimneys/
%
Something came in the mail today

The postman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1upbe/something_came_in_the_mail_today/
%
A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a plane..

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1uofr/a_mormon_is_seated_next_to_an_irishman_on_a_plane/
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A Blonde and a Bank

A blonde walks into a high-end bank in New York City and requests a personal loan of $5,000 for her trip to Europe for two weeks. The loan officer explains that they'll need collateral for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to her Rolls Royce along with showing the title as proof of ownership. Everything checks out, so the loan officer approves the loan; after the blonde leaves, the loan officer, management, and executives have a laugh at the $250k Rolls Royce as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we're grateful for your business, but your account status with us shows you're a multi-millionaire; why did you need to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only $15 and expect it to be there when I return?"
*(My dad told me this joke ages ago and it's still stuck with me to this day.)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ugui/a_blonde_and_a_bank/
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What did the air stewardess say after she made Abcde cry?

I JK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ufjy/what_did_the_air_stewardess_say_after_she_made/
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Today in chemistry we learnt about how Ammonium nitrate could be used in fertilizer and as an explosive.

That's when I knew we were dealing with some explosive shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1u66l/today_in_chemistry_we_learnt_about_how_ammonium/
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Mommy, mommy why do our family members keep dying so fast?

Mommy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1u5pn/mommy_mommy_why_do_our_family_members_keep_dying/
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A group of thugs barged into a chinese restaurant recently and smashed up all the dumplings...

Such pointless wonton destruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1tuke/a_group_of_thugs_barged_into_a_chinese_restaurant/
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How do you tell the difference between a boy Spaghetti and a girl Spaghetti?

Meatballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1trvv/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_boy/
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What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other is a crushed asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1tq0y/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_and_a/
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What's the difference between lord of the ring and brokeback mountain?

The color of the ring that gets destroyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1tp6z/whats_the_difference_between_lord_of_the_ring_and/
%
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..

..until the police came and removed me from the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1tna5/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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An alien walks into a bar

and asks the bartender for a bottle of beer and a bag of nuts.
The bartender looks at the alien and says;
“Na we’ve had trouble with your kind before, get out”
The alien doesn’t know what the bartender is talking about but leaves anyway and finds another bar.
The alien walks into the second bar and asks the bartender for a bottle of beer and a bag of nuts.
The bartender looks at the alien and says;
“Na we’ve had trouble with your kind before, get out”
The alien is astounded by the rudeness of the earthlings but leaves anyway.
The now fed up alien walks into the third bar and asks the bartender for a bottle of beer and a bag of nuts.
The bartender looks at the alien up and down and says;
“Hmm you are one of them aliens aren’t you, I’ve heard you guys are trouble... I won’t serve you!”
The alien pleads with the bartender, he promises to sit in the corner of the room himself, not talk to anyone and only drink his bottle of beer and eat his nuts then leave at the end of the night. Moreover, he says he will buy everyone that comes into the bar there drinks all night.
The bartender has a think and finally says to the alien after some contemplation;
“Okay but no trouble or you are out! And you can’t talk to anyone”
The alien agrees and sits in the corner with his beer and nuts.
The bar starts to pick up since word spreads about the free drink and before you know it all the bottles and caskets are empty and everyone leaves.
The bartender approaches the alien who has just been sitting in the corner all night and says to him;
“I’m really sorry I doubted you, you’ve been really good all night! I don’t know why everyone said you aliens were so much trouble”
The alien replies;
“Don’t worry about it how much do I owe you?”
The bartender does some quick maths and says to the alien that he owes him $6789.50.
The alien says to the bartender;
“Wow that’s really not that bad! I thought it would have been much worse! Have you got change of a Zonk?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1tmnh/an_alien_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the saddest thing to come out of Russia at Christmas?

Napoleon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1tl2c/whats_the_saddest_thing_to_come_out_of_russia_at/
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Never Piss Off Amazon

They know where you live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1th8y/never_piss_off_amazon/
%
What do you call an Irish possum?

Opossum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1th4k/what_do_you_call_an_irish_possum/
%
Socrates told us to question everything...

But why should we question everything?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1tgyg/socrates_told_us_to_question_everything/
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I dropped my glasses in the toilet

now I can't see shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1tgf0/i_dropped_my_glasses_in_the_toilet/
%
What do you call a landscaper's bank account?

A hedge fund

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1tgdv/what_do_you_call_a_landscapers_bank_account/
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A tall man walks into a bar, with a tiny man standing on his shoulder.

... and orders a beer. As soon as he sits down at the counter the tiny man hops off his shoulder and starts walking around. It is just a bit taller than a pint of beer, and dressed in a sports jersey. It walks over to the guy right to him, chugs his beer in one go, bumps his fist into the guys shoulder and whispers with a very hoarse throat: "M'lady!".
He repeats this with every single patron at the bar, and does the exact same thing, again silently coughing "M'lady!".
The first guy jumps off his chair and throws up his fists. "What the hell? Hey, you! Your gnome drank my beer and called me a woman! You better get me two new ones before I beat you up!"
The tall man sighs, and turns around: "Okay listen. I'm sorry, but I don't have enough money to buy you any more beer, but I can tell you a secret that is worth more than that. You see, if you go outside to the river and follow it downstream for ten minutes, you will reach a well. If you throw down exactly 1.67$ and clap your hands two times, an old gnome of the well will appear and grant you a wish!"
The guy is skeptical, but also very drunk, so he gives it a shot. He reaches the well and does as he has been told and won't you believe it a very old, shriveled gnome appears. "You offered me the perfect change and clapped the perfect claps. I shall grant you one wish!"
"I wan't three trillion quid in cash, bundled!" says the guy excitedly.
"So be it." says the gnome and claps his tiny shriveled hands, then disappears.
A flash of light - and all of a sudden there are three people standing besides him, black hair, light brown skin, wool caps on their heads. They frantically scratch red patches on their skin, while talking to him as if their mouths were partly paralyzed.
Completely furious he rushes back to the bar, grabs the tall man by the collar and yells in his face:
"Are you kidding me? This gnome was completely deaf! I wanted '*three trillion quid in cash, bundled*', and all I got was '*three Chileans with a rash, mumbling'*!"
"And do you think I actually asked for *a twelve inch jock to wheeze 'M'lady'*?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1tfxo/a_tall_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_tiny_man/
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Today I gave my sit to old blind lady...

That's how I lost my job of bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1tchk/today_i_gave_my_sit_to_old_blind_lady/
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Kleptomaniacs don't understand puns.

They're always taking things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1tcfw/kleptomaniacs_dont_understand_puns/
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I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Actually, it's more of a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1tbop/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
%
A prince was talking to his servant

Prince: We both look alike, did your mother work her before? Haha
Servant: No, but my father did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1t9ng/a_prince_was_talking_to_his_servant/
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.....

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1t9lg/a_woman_awakes_during_the_night_to_find_that_her/
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I like sex the way Chinese like their food.

Doggystyle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1t7vb/i_like_sex_the_way_chinese_like_their_food/
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It is hard to imagine a world without women.

It’ll be a pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1t7nc/it_is_hard_to_imagine_a_world_without_women/
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It was Christmas time in the concentration camp..

And the Nazis figured that they would have a bit of fun with the “inmates”.
So they roasted up a huge duck, filled with veggies, plums, sauce and glazed with butter.
They walk in to the yard and place the duck, as the Jews gathered around to see what was going on.
They told the Jews that whatever they did to the duck, they would do to the inmate who did it.
First fellow steps out of the crowd and grab a drumstick.
“CHOP” they cut off his leg.
Next fellow walks up and grabs a wing from the duck.
“CHOP” they cut off his arm.
After a few minutes a third fellow steps out from the crowd, he walks up to the duck and took a look around at the crowd and the smiling guards.
He then picks up the duck and sucks out all the stuffing from the asshole.
That guy they left alone and went back to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1t513/it_was_christmas_time_in_the_concentration_camp/
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My drug test came back negative.

My drug dealer has some explaining to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1t49y/my_drug_test_came_back_negative/
%
George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.
Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.
Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1t386/george_w_bush_is_sitting_with_his_aides/
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What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1syj8/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/
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Male Logic.

Woman: do you drink beer?
Man: yes
Woman: how many beers a day?
Man: usually about three
Woman: how much do you pay per beer?
Man:$5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: and how long have you been drinking?
Man: about 20 years, I suppose
Woman: so a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at about $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: correct
Woman: if in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: correct
Woman: do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: do you drink beer?
Woman: no.
Man: where is your airplane?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1swvl/male_logic/
%
When I first joined the Botswana Men’s Choir, I was really shy around everyone

But then we all just clicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1swko/when_i_first_joined_the_botswana_mens_choir_i_was/
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How do you tell the difference between my mom and Sean Connery

By the way they pronounce LETITSNOW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1suu3/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_my_mom_and/
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Did you hear about the soldier who survived pepper spray and mustard gas?

He’s now a seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1su12/did_you_hear_about_the_soldier_who_survived/
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Yo mama jokes have been used thousands of times by thousands of people and are starting to get old

Sorta like yo mama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1sks4/yo_mama_jokes_have_been_used_thousands_of_times/
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Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be a mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ski7/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
How does Moses make his coffee?

He brews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1sk6b/how_does_moses_make_his_coffee/
%
Three men are on a road trip across the US...

One is from Kentucky, another is from Tennessee and the last if from West Virginia.
So they are on the road and the man from Kentucky gets hungry so they decide to stop and get some food. He stops and buys some peanuts and a drink. As hes checking out the lady says
"Oh you must be from Kentucky!"
He replies
"Why yes I am. How did you know?"
"I could tell by your accent"
So they get back on the road. Next, the man from Tennessee gets thirsty so they stop.
"Hi can I get a Coke?"
"Sure!, Let me guess you're from Tennessee?"
"Yes I am ma'am how did you know?"
"I could tell by your accent"
So they get back on the road. Finally, the man from West Virginia gets hungry so they stop.
"Can I get some beef jerky and a Sprite please?"
"Of Course, You're from West Virginia right?"
"Let me guess, because of my accent?"
"No sir, this is a hardware store"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1sk23/three_men_are_on_a_road_trip_across_the_us/
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Bill The Hunter

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in  Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it  with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around  to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got two choices.  One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the  bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
Bill  heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and  kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly  is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big  mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have  sex." Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes  quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged.
Sure enough,  he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point  blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come  here for the hunting, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1sjig/bill_the_hunter/
%
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1sj4b/a_man_walks_out_to_the_street_and_catches_a_taxi/
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What do you call a well hung pirate?

Dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1si5c/what_do_you_call_a_well_hung_pirate/
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Dave's Birthday

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A  stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,  and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having  none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1si01/daves_birthday/
%
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1shhj/the_only_two_white_actors_in_black_panther_are/
%
If you love the smell of a F1 key...

you seriously need some help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1sgds/if_you_love_the_smell_of_a_f1_key/
%
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" [NSFW]

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1s9qf/my_wife_just_gave_birth_today_and_after_thanking/
%
"Never fear failure, always embrace it."

My mom said as she released me from her hug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1s6f3/never_fear_failure_always_embrace_it/
%
A lot of gasses are pretty cheap...

But helium just keeps going up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1s4xp/a_lot_of_gasses_are_pretty_cheap/
%
My brother is afraid that robots will replace him.

If he would look in his wife's bedside dresser he would realize he already has been

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1s38i/my_brother_is_afraid_that_robots_will_replace_him/
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What do you call a pig with 3 eyes?

piiig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1s2po/what_do_you_call_a_pig_with_3_eyes/
%
SMART SUZY invented the most amazing thing.

It was an electronic hedge trimmer that was light years ahead.  You controlled it with your phone and once it was on automatic, it would prune your shrubberies to minute perfection in all shapes and sizes.
Suzy’s invention was a smashing hit in her neighborhood, all about were so happy to have perfect trimmings and so much more extra time on their hands.  People were overjoyed and so proud of Smart Suzy for her clever device - cutting hedge technology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1s17k/smart_suzy_invented_the_most_amazing_thing/
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At the spelling bee

Spelling bee judge: "Your word is worthless."
Me: "Can you use it in a sentence?"
Spelling bee judge: "I don't know, can you keep a promise for once?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1rypn/at_the_spelling_bee/
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What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?

Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1rxe7/whats_the_difference_between_fine_wine_and_fine/
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What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

Frost bite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1rvvg/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_vampire_with_a/
%
I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. The sale is easy. All I do is say, "Hello!"

At 3 in the morning.
Whilst sitting on the end of their bed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1rvsr/im_making_a_fortune_selling_home_security_systems/
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What does an unvaccinated kid do at age 2?

Go through a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1rtm0/what_does_an_unvaccinated_kid_do_at_age_2/
%
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1rslz/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that_died/
%
A teacher trying to teach good manners...

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1rq52/a_teacher_trying_to_teach_good_manners/
%
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1roda/why_do_gorillas_have_big_nostrils/
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Whats the difference between a joke and 3 dicks?

Your mum can't take a joke...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1rncy/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_3_dicks/
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I keep on getting peer pressured into playing the flamingo game

But I'm not going to play anymore. Im putting my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1rn9i/i_keep_on_getting_peer_pressured_into_playing_the/
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I finally told my friend I have been sleeping with his mom...

I have been sleeping with my best friend's Mom now for many years.  It has really torn me up as I am pretty sure he suspects it but is something we have never talked about. We have been really good friends now for 20+ years. I feel even worse because of how much he as looked up to me and how much I have helped him through.  At this point there is no way I can break it off with his mother.
Finally I have decided to tell him over dinner and drinks and I invite his mother to come.  I was holding her hand under the table the whole meal (since she sat on my side). We finish the food and I finally just come out ant say it: John, I have been sleeping with your mother for the past 20+ years, I don't want it to ruin our friendship.
John just looks at me for a solid minute and finally says: Jesus Dad I kind of figured that one out for myself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1rmqn/i_finally_told_my_friend_i_have_been_sleeping/
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I deal with my personal problems the same way study for tests...

I don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1rdaa/i_deal_with_my_personal_problems_the_same_way/
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I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1r4iw/ive_just_downloaded_the_queen_movie_bohemian/
%
Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says:
- "It's a broken starter".
The Electrical engineer says:
- "Dead battery".
The Chemical engineer says:
- "Impurities in the Gasoline"
The IT engineer says:
- "Hey guys, i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1r225/four_engineers_get_into_a_car_the_car_wont_start/
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Lol

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1r0in/lol/
%
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1qyrt/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Is that a bacon tree I see?

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1qvxz/is_that_a_bacon_tree_i_see/
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A blonde Australian tourist walks into a hairdresser's in England.

"Did you come here to dye?" the hairdresser asks her. After a little pause she replies "No, I already came here yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1qqbe/a_blonde_australian_tourist_walks_into_a/
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I haven't done much in my life, but I did teach basic arithmetics to ants...

It's the little things that count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1qn5s/i_havent_done_much_in_my_life_but_i_did_teach/
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Hate to burst your bubble, but..

the mixture needs more glycerin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1qfld/hate_to_burst_your_bubble_but/
%
American children are quite caring...

But German children are kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1qddd/american_children_are_quite_caring/
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What does an Alabaman and yeast have in common

They’re both inbred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1qcoo/what_does_an_alabaman_and_yeast_have_in_common/
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Did you know pigeons die when they have sex?

Well the one I fucked did!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1q69s/did_you_know_pigeons_die_when_they_have_sex/
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What do you call an unplanned child?

A foetal mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1pqbr/what_do_you_call_an_unplanned_child/
%
Hey gurl, are you an alarm clock?

Cos your annoying and won’t shut the fuck up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1pq8v/hey_gurl_are_you_an_alarm_clock/
%
What To Do With A Sick Chemist

If you can't Helium, and you can't Curium, you might as well Barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ppb1/what_to_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
%
A tourist visits an Indian reservation...

...where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life.
The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?"
Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs".
Impressed, he continues his vacation and returns home.
Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.  He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how".
The old chief simply replies "scrambled".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1p7lz/a_tourist_visits_an_indian_reservation/
%
A dog goes in to a saloon.

He's wearing a 6 gun and a black hat, and his front foot is bandaged. He limps up to the bartender and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1p6sa/a_dog_goes_in_to_a_saloon/
%
Where did Satan's little helpers go to high school?

They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1p0wm/where_did_satans_little_helpers_go_to_high_school/
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My wife is Indian, i'm Hispanic, she's pregnant with a girl and we felt it kick for the first time today.

Guess we're having a kickin' chica masala.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ozln/my_wife_is_indian_im_hispanic_shes_pregnant_with/
%
Working retail is a lot like constipation.

Because sometimes you just don't give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ork0/working_retail_is_a_lot_like_constipation/
%
Why did the Russian drive cross the road?

To prove that it could be done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1oqar/why_did_the_russian_drive_cross_the_road/
%
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers.  "I'll be Beethoven".
"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.
Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door.  At the last second, he looks back and says,
"I'll be Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1on51/sylvester_stallone_chuck_norris_and_arnold/
%
An astronaut collapses into his chair after a long day of work inside the space shuttle. He decides to make a cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, the space shuttle seems to be out of milk and so he goes to his companion to ask if he'd seen any.
Astronaut 1: "Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee."
Astronaut 2: "In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ojr3/an_astronaut_collapses_into_his_chair_after_a/
%
A Man approached the counter and said, “a burger and chips please”.

I said: “Certainly sir, will you be eating in or out?”
“You’re a crackpot,” he snarled as he turned and walked away.
I love working in the prison canteen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1oi5q/a_man_approached_the_counter_and_said_a_burger/
%
'Who wants to be a millionaire' in real life

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed after watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".
The husband says, "Can we have sex tonight?"
The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight."
The husband says, "Is that your final answer?"
The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you."
The husband says, "OK, then, can you please phone a friend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1oggs/who_wants_to_be_a_millionaire_in_real_life/
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What do you call a Russian on the moon?

late

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ocic/what_do_you_call_a_russian_on_the_moon/
%
I don't always tell dad jokes,

...but when I do, he usually laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1obpg/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
I had barely taken off my finger out of her wet hole, that......

..... within seconds she started going down on me. I thought to myself, "Man! I am really gonna miss this boat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1obbz/i_had_barely_taken_off_my_finger_out_of_her_wet/
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Poop jokes aren't my favorite...

...but they're a good solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ob4k/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite/
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The Pope, the Packers & the Vikings

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Minnesota Viking jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Packer Backer from the water, Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred between Green Bay Packers & Vikings fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who the heck was that??"
"It was the most knowledgeable Pope," one replied. "He can summon God anytime and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may be knowledgeable & have access to God's wisdom, but he knows squat about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1oant/the_pope_the_packers_the_vikings/
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There are two kinds of people in this world

Those who need closure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1o83i/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
%
What's the least spoken language?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1o71z/whats_the_least_spoken_language/
%
A human cannonball showed up late to his act.

He was fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1o6bq/a_human_cannonball_showed_up_late_to_his_act/
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How many capitals does Fence have?!

They always say Murder is a capital of Fence, Kidnapping is a capital of Fence, Treason is a capital of Fence... and the names? Geeze, not very inviting places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1o481/how_many_capitals_does_fence_have/
%
How do you know the earth is female

Because it's bipolar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1nza6/how_do_you_know_the_earth_is_female/
%
An old man was given a jar and asked to provide a sperm sample for his doctor. The next day he returned with the empty jar and explained,

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left. I asked my wife to help. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door. Nothing." The doctor was shocked. He said, "You asked your neighbour?" "Yep," the old man replied. "None of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1nwde/an_old_man_was_given_a_jar_and_asked_to_provide_a/
%
Two parrots on a perch...

One says to the other..."Can you smell fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1nvnj/two_parrots_on_a_perch/
%
I feel like the United Nations right now....

I say I’m doing work but I’m not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1nvc0/i_feel_like_the_united_nations_right_now/
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Reddit is a lot like Whose Line Is It Anyway.

The jokes are made up and the points dont matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1nqvt/reddit_is_a_lot_like_whose_line_is_it_anyway/
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A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1npvl/a_waitress_demanded_my_sweater_tonight_after_my/
%
Two farmers were looking at their new born cows

And one turns to the other and said “we need to raise the steaks”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1np47/two_farmers_were_looking_at_their_new_born_cows/
%
What's long, hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1niqg/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
My doctor banned me from listening to my Queen albums...

...due to their high Mercury content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1nimc/my_doctor_banned_me_from_listening_to_my_queen/
%
How can you tell an optimist from a pessimist?

Ask them to pronounce OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ngkx/how_can_you_tell_an_optimist_from_a_pessimist/
%
I cut my mouth on cheese.

My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1nfgp/i_cut_my_mouth_on_cheese/
%
How do you tell the difference between a gay man and someone in law enforcement?

How they pronounce CATCHTHESEMEN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1nfgc/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_gay_man/
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What is the advantage of being a test tube baby?

A room with a view

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1nez2/what_is_the_advantage_of_being_a_test_tube_baby/
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It was just a day until Johnny turned 10

His mom said to him, "Now Johnny, tomorrow's your tenth birthday! So I will make you anything you want for breakfast in the morning!"
"Anything?" he asked in excitement.
"Anything."
Johnny sat there for several minutes contemplating what he wanted for his birthday breakfast. He finally sprung up and told her what he wanted for breakfast.
Once he told her, the mother's face grew very red with anger and she shouted, "HOW DARE YOU! GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!"
So Johnny, confused and upset, ran up to his room and cried himself to sleep.
The next morning, Johnny got up and got ready for school. His parents were nowhere in sight, so he didn't have breakfast at home. He decided to stop at a mini mart on the way to school to get something to eat, because you know what they say, "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" This caused him to be late for school.
When he walked into class, the teacher asked him why he was late for school. Johnny replied with, "Well last night my mom told me that I could have whatever I wanted for my birthday breakfast, and when I told her what I wanted, she got really mad and sent me to my room. When I got up this morning, my parents were gone, so I couldn't get breakfast. So I decided to stop somewhere and grab a bite to eat because you know what they say, 'Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!' That caused me to run behind... and here I am."
The teacher looked very puzzled and asked, "Well what could you have possibly asked for that resulted in all this?" Johnny told her what he asked for. The entire class burst into laughter, and just like with his mother, his teacher grew red in the face and very angry and shouted, "GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE NOW! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASSROOM!"
Johnny, very confused, made his way into the principal's office and plopped down in the seat in front of a big desk. The principal, very perplexed, asked, "Now Johnny, what are you doing here? You're one of the best students in the school!" Johnny said in response... "Well last night my mom told me that I could have whatever I wanted for my birthday breakfast, and when I told her what I wanted, she got really mad and sent me to my room. When I got up this morning, my parents were gone, so I couldn't get breakfast. So I decided to stop somewhere and grab a bite to eat because you know what they say, 'Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!' That caused me to run behind and be late for class. When the teacher asked me why I was late, I told her the story and she got really mad... and here I am."
"Well what did you ask for that got you into this mess?"
"I don't think I should say. Every time I say it, I get in trouble."
"Nonsense!" The principal chuckled, "This is a safe space, you can tell me anything."
Johnny reluctantly said what he asked for, and the principal was fuming. "THIS KIND OF CHILDISHNESS IS UNACCEPTABLE! YOU'RE EXPELLED!"
Johnny went home, crying the whole way there. Once he got home, his dad was there. He said "What are you doing home from school so early? It's only 11!" Johnny said in response... "Well last night my mom told me that I could have whatever I wanted for my birthday breakfast, and when I told her what I wanted, she got really mad and sent me to my room. When I got up this morning, my parents were gone, so I couldn't get breakfast. So I decided to stop somewhere and grab a bite to eat because you know what they say, 'Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!' That caused me to run behind and be late for class. When the teacher asked me why I was late, I told her the story and she got really mad and sent me to the principal's office. When the principal asked why I was in his office, I told him the story and he expelled me... and here I am."
"Well what did you ask your mother for that got you in so much trouble?"
"I don't think I should say. Every time I say it, I get into more trouble."
The father sternly replied, "I am your father. When I ask you a question, you give me the answer. Understood?"
"Okay..." Johnny says. He proceeds to tell his father what he wanted, to which he became furious and said, "NO SON OF MINE WILL EVER TALK LIKE THAT. AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU ARE NO LONGER MY SON! PACK YOUR BELONGINGS AND GET OUT!"
(section omitted because this joke is getting out of hand)
Many years later, we find Johnny lost on the streets. He sits next to an old homeless man who looked kind. The old man asked, "How did you get here? You look so young and full of potential."
Johnny sighs. "This all started years ago, my mom told me that I could have whatever I wanted for my birthday breakfast, and when I told her what I wanted, she got really mad and sent me to my room. When I got up this morning, my parents were gone, so I couldn't get breakfast. So I decided to stop somewhere and grab a bite to eat because you know what they say, 'Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!' That caused me to run behind and be late for class. When the teacher asked me why I was late, I told her the story and she got really mad and sent me to the principal's office. When the principal asked why I was in his office, I told him the story and he expelled me. When I went home and told my dad what happened, he kicked me out of the house... and now here I am, with nothing left in my life."
"Well what on earth did you ask for that caused you to lose everything?
"Oh no no no, I'm not telling anyone that! Every time I answer that question, something bad happens."
"Why not tell me? What else do you have to lose?"
"You're right... what do I have to lose?
"Soooooo what was it?"
Johnny sighs again and says, "A cherry pie."
The old man just laughs. Johnny looks very confused. He looks up and says, "Well if you want a cherry pie so bad, go get one from that stand across the street! Here, have a little bit of my cash, if you promise you'll share with me."
"You're right, I should get that pie!"
So Johnny gets up, crosses the street, and gets hit by a bus.
What's the moral of this story, you ask?
...
Look both ways before you cross the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1neen/it_was_just_a_day_until_johnny_turned_10/
%
What superpower do babysitters have?

Supervision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ndvz/what_superpower_do_babysitters_have/
%
Why are all cats communists?

They won’t stop saying “Mao”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1naoy/why_are_all_cats_communists/
%
The Donald in Hell

One day in the future, The Donald has a heart-attack and dies and immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Trump saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said ...  "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1n9wf/the_donald_in_hell/
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Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?

Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1n5kn/hey_girl_are_you_my_physics_examination_paper/
%
Movie Theater

I was in a theater last night watching a very sad movie and all the sudden this guy behind me starts whaling and I get hit in the back of the head with a harpoon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1n2s5/movie_theater/
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What's the difference between a hungry person and a horny one?

Depends on how they would use the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1n1jr/whats_the_difference_between_a_hungry_person_and/
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What do you call a gay Englishman

A cigarette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1mw93/what_do_you_call_a_gay_englishman/
%
A man experiencing severe headaches goes to the doctor

He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do".
The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it".
Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1mp3c/a_man_experiencing_severe_headaches_goes_to_the/
%
I used to date a cellular device

Now she’s my iPhone X

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1mgfl/i_used_to_date_a_cellular_device/
%
What do you call a fish made of two Sodium atoms?

2Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1mdi2/what_do_you_call_a_fish_made_of_two_sodium_atoms/
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What do you call a pig in hiding?

Inhognito

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1m7fm/what_do_you_call_a_pig_in_hiding/
%
Why were the star-crossed melons heartbroken?

Because they cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1lwo3/why_were_the_starcrossed_melons_heartbroken/
%
Why was Jesus bad at basketball?

He got crossed up so bad he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1luy4/why_was_jesus_bad_at_basketball/
%
I heard that they are finally making a movie about why someone made the first wrist watch...

...It's about time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1lugo/i_heard_that_they_are_finally_making_a_movie/
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I can see straight through my father’s cross dressing.

He’s transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ltnu/i_can_see_straight_through_my_fathers_cross/
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My friend asked me if Wonderwall was my favorite song by Oasis.

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1lrrf/my_friend_asked_me_if_wonderwall_was_my_favorite/
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Best joke that I tell...got it from this sub over a year ago

A young American tourist just arrived in the Irish Countryside for vacation.
He steps into the nearest pub for a pint, and sits down near this old haggard man.
The old man looks over at the Tourist and says:
"Young man, do you see this Pub? I built this Pub. I raised these walls, I built these tables, I laid the stone floor...I built this Pub, and it's a beautiful Pub...but do they call me Blarney the Pub Builder? No...they don't."
The tourist looked around and agreed. It WAS a beautiful Pub.
Then the old man says:
"Look out in the yard out front...do you see that wall? I built that wall. I quarried the stones, I chiseled them to shape, I carefully placed each one. I built that wall, and it's a beautiful wall...but do they call me Blarney the Wall Builder? No...they don't."
The tourist was admiring the craftsmanship of the wall when Blarney interrupted his thought and said:
"Young man, look out the window to the lake. Do you see that pier? I built that pier. I chopped down every tree, I milled every plank, and I drove every nail. I built that pier, and it's a beautiful pier. But do they call me Blarney the Pier Builder? No...they don't...
...but you fuck ONE goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1lq68/best_joke_that_i_tellgot_it_from_this_sub_over_a/
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A little boy asks the chief of his tribe how he comes up with the names for the children of the tribe...

"When I wake up in the morning the first thing I see is what I name then new child, for example when I named your older brother I saw a raven when I woke up. For your sister I saw a Grizzly bear. Why do you ask Twodogsfucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1lp41/a_little_boy_asks_the_chief_of_his_tribe_how_he/
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50% of Canada

Is the letter A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ll15/50_of_canada/
%
A blind clerk was working at the sporting goods store...

A customer asked him “ how much for this fishing rod?” The clerk felt it up and down and said “ twenty dollars.”
The customer was impressed, and said he would think about it. He wandered down one of the aisles near the clerk, and ripped a loud fart ass he was shopping.
A few minutes later, the customer came back to the clerk to buy the fishing rod.
The clerk said “ That will be 25 dollars.”
The customer said “I thought you said $20 dollars?”
The clerk said “ 20 dollars for the fishing rod and 5 dollars for the duck call. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1lg25/a_blind_clerk_was_working_at_the_sporting_goods/
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My Friend Told me That I Needed to Be Lit on Tinder

But I couldn’t find any matches
(V2)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ldj3/my_friend_told_me_that_i_needed_to_be_lit_on/
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What do you call the activity where you insert a hairy rod in your mouth and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1lcw1/what_do_you_call_the_activity_where_you_insert_a/
%
John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray.....

''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money. My mom needs surgery and I have bills to pay. Please let me win the lottery.'' He left the synagogue, a week went by, and he didn't win the lottery. So, he went to a mosque and started to pray again. ''You're starting to disappoint me, God,'' he said. ''I've prayed and prayed. If you just let me win the lottery, I'll be a better person. I don't have to win the jackpot, just enough to get me out of debt. I'll give some to charity, even. Just let me win the lottery.'' John thought this did it, so he got up and walked outside.
The clouds opened up and a booming voice said, ''John, buy a fucking lottery ticket.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1l7yv/john_who_was_in_financial_difficulty_walked_into/
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I really didn't enjoy my Hollywood Internship...

They made me follow Leonardo DiCaprio around for 6 hours carrying his water bottle which was exhausting.
They made me floss between Tom Cruise's toes which was humiliating.
But when they made me spank Dwayne Johnson...
That's when I knew I'd hit rock bottom.
(edit: no longer dwanye lol)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1l203/i_really_didnt_enjoy_my_hollywood_internship/
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How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ky79/how_can_you_tell_a_chemist_from_a_plumber_without/
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What do you call a developer that doesn't know what to do next?

Full stuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ky2j/what_do_you_call_a_developer_that_doesnt_know/
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Went to a class on exaggeration today...

I swear my teacher is like a million years old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1kxo9/went_to_a_class_on_exaggeration_today/
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There was a woman pregnant with twins

, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother. When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn’t a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid. When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins. He said, “The first one was a girl.” The mother: “What did you name her?!?” Brother: “Denise!” The Mom: “Oh, wow, that’s not bad! What about the second one?” Brother: “The second one was a boy.” The Mom: “Oh, and what did you name him?” Brother: “Denephew.”﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1kwgy/there_was_a_woman_pregnant_with_twins/
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I went to the first online dating agency I could find and within 1 hour had met my wife!

It was love at first site

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1kqqi/i_went_to_the_first_online_dating_agency_i_could/
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What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1kmq3/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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A man goes to the drug store for some condoms.

There's a spinsterish middle aged lady behind the counter, and he's a bit embarrassed, but makes his request. The lady asks what size he wants, and he gets a bit more embarrassed, and tells her that he doesn't know that they come in sizes. The lady tells him it's ok , there's a fence out back with several knotholes, just see which one fits, and let her know. He goes back and finds a likely knothole, and puts his unit in. Meanwhile the spinster has slipped around behind the fence, and proceeds to do all sorts of things which we won't mention. The man has a climax, zips up and goes back into the store. The lady comes back to the counter and asks if he knows what size. The guy says, "Forget the condoms, I want to buy 15 feet of that fence!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1kjh4/a_man_goes_to_the_drug_store_for_some_condoms/
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Socialism at a national level is popular among young people these days...

When you call it national socialism though it loses some of its luster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1kiva/socialism_at_a_national_level_is_popular_among/
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What activity does the owl mafia participate in?

Drive by hootings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1kbec/what_activity_does_the_owl_mafia_participate_in/
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My wife is on her lady time while at the Renaissance Faire and told me she was craving chocolate.

I asked her if the craving was period-specific.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1k71l/my_wife_is_on_her_lady_time_while_at_the/
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The only thing Flat-Earthers have to fear...

...is sphere itself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1k6iv/the_only_thing_flatearthers_have_to_fear/
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I like my kids like I like my flour

In bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1k537/i_like_my_kids_like_i_like_my_flour/
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An Australian Man is Painting his House Blue...

As he works, his wife brings his newborn child outside and asks if he would like to hold the baby.
"Of course!" he says, as he takes his gloves off. He reaches out and takes the child.
After playing with the baby for a minute, he begins to hand the kid back to his wife but trips on his glove.
He stumbles, and the child falls out of his outstretched hands, falling right into the paint bucket, submerging completely.
Panicked, he reaches hand into the bucket but is unable to find anything at all.
"Dammit!" he says.
"Indigo ate my baby!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1k3wx/an_australian_man_is_painting_his_house_blue/
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I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.

She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1k3ny/i_asked_my_daughter_if_shed_seen_my_newspaper/
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What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu?

Raichu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1k31r/what_did_raichu_say_when_it_saw_pikachu/
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What do you call an elderly person who volunteers their time?

A dentured servant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1jwka/what_do_you_call_an_elderly_person_who_volunteers/
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The Toothbrush Salesman.

One day, a man with a lisp named Joseph walks into a toothbrush factory. Down on his luck and very desperate, he asks to speak to the manager of the facility, about getting a job as a toothbrush salesman. The manager walks out, and greets Joseph. “Hi there thir, my names Jotheph, and I was curiouth about being a potenthial thalseman here.” The manager chuckles & shakes his head , “Sorry son, I’m not currently looking for any new salesman, and no offense, but I try and recruit people who are very clear and precise with their speaking, and er well — Joseph cuts him off, “Oh well not to worrwy at all thir, I guarwenntee you I will be the betht thalseman, you’ve ever theen!” Humoring him, the manager says “I’ll tell ya what Jospeh, I’ll give you 10 of my toothbrushes here, they sell for a dollar, come back with $10 tomorrow, and I’ll think about it.”
Joseph takes the toothbrushes, and goes gladly on his way. He returns the next day with $10, and hands it to the manager. The manager looks at Jospeh. “Well, seeing as I just had my most trusted salesman quit ... ah what the hell, here you are Jospeh, 100 toothbrushes. Bring me back $100 by the end of the week. And I’ll consider making you one of my top salesmen. Jospeh gladly accepts, and goes on his way. He returns the very next day with $100 in cash. Astonished, the manager exclaims, “why I never .. Joseph my good man. We have an office up in the corner there.” Joseph shrills “Wow thank you thir!!” The manager then says, “Alright Jospeh, this is gonna sound insane, but here’s 1000 toothbrushes, if you can bring me back $1000 by the end of next week, I’ll make you the regional sales manager. Not only that, but we’ll give you a company car, and your own assistant.” Jospeh of course, gladly accepts and goes along his way.
In just two days, Joseph returns with $1000, and hands it to his boss. The manager snatches the money, and confusedly yells, “Jospeh you’re incredible! I don’t understand, how do ya do it!? Before I keep on my word, you gotta show me.” So Jospeh and the manager, get into Jospeh’s car with a big box of toothbrushes and start driving. The manager notices a party size bag of chips and some dip in the back, and ask “What’s that for?” — “You’ll thee.” Jospeh says. Joseph drives them to the airport.
Once they arrive, Jospeh gets out, grabs the chips and dip, and wheels all his luggage in, along with the toothbrushes. He sets up in the terminal in the first gate, just beyond the entrance. “You sure you don’t need any help?” Chimes in the manager, Joseph replies, “Nah I got thith.” He sets up a sign that says “FREE CHIPS N DIP HERE” The manager makes a weird face and looks at Joseph, but shrugs it off.
Moments later a man walks past, and Joseph says, “Hello there thir, would you like thome free chipths and dip?” The man obliges and grabs a chip and takes a big scoop of some of the dip. The man immediately spits it out and yells “WHAT THE FUCK, THIS DIP TASTES LIKE SHIT”
— “It is thit. Would ya like to buy a toothbruth?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1jrdf/the_toothbrush_salesman/
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What's the difference between your job and your wife?

After 5 years your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1jqk6/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_your/
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100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1jqbn/100_years_ago_everyone_owned_a_horse_and_only_the/
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There’s a guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter

It’s pretty nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1joli/theres_a_guy_going_around_dipping_his_testicles/
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What’s the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1jndn/whats_the_most_expensive_haircut/
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A man was walking through the woods

When he saw a large white blob ahead of him. He continued to walk close enough for him to see it. All he could tell even still is that it was a large white blob.
He said aloud “This sure is strange” and the blob turned to face him. It was a large floating eyeball. The eye said to him “Hello! We don’t get many humans around here.”
The man who was in disbelief of a floating talking eyeball asked what it’s name was. It replied with “My name is Meats.” A little baffled by such a weird name for an eyeball, the man decided it would be a good idea to get going back down the trail.
He walked some ways until he ran into another eyeball. He said “there’s another one of you floating eyes?” The eyeball assured him there were many. “So there’s more than Meats?” And the eyeball said to him “There’s more than Meats the eye”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1jmjg/a_man_was_walking_through_the_woods/
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My ex dumped me because I was "too business minded".

So I hired a new girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1jjap/my_ex_dumped_me_because_i_was_too_business_minded/
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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now, what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1jcjy/teacher_kids_what_does_the_chicken_give_you/
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“My best mate at school was nicknamed Lampost.”

“Was he tall and thin?”
“No he smelled like dog piss.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1j833/my_best_mate_at_school_was_nicknamed_lampost/
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Scientists in Mississippi have invented a chamber that turns people into racists while they're inside.

They're calling it a "voting booth".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1j7ob/scientists_in_mississippi_have_invented_a_chamber/
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They now have an app that can tell you if you have any relatives that are racists.

It's called "facebook".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1j740/they_now_have_an_app_that_can_tell_you_if_you/
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A man just threw some milk, cream and butter at me.

How dairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1j6fl/a_man_just_threw_some_milk_cream_and_butter_at_me/
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I made a graph to plot the curvature of bells.

The distribution was random.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1j5x3/i_made_a_graph_to_plot_the_curvature_of_bells/
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A Socialist joke is only funny when...

Everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1j4t0/a_socialist_joke_is_only_funny_when/
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What do you call a dog that can drive?

A dodge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1j43k/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_can_drive/
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The rapper and the artifact

A very famous artifact recovered from an old monastery had been set for auction, with the promise that the money would go to an orphanage supported by the same monastery. This artifact was one of a kind, nobody knew exactly what it was but they knew that it was incredibly rare. Very few people knew exactly what it was.
The day of the auction came and everyone arrived at the monastery where it was being held.  A rich rapper who went by the name Nodda M. bought the artifact. Nobody knew this famous rapper’s last name, but it was rumored that the wisest of people could figure it out through his songs. After the auction was over, a host showed Nodda his artifact, a strange device that was said to generate ticking noises at night. It look extra terrestrial, and scientists had confirmed that none of the elements it was made of, could be found on the periodic table.
Nodda decided to wait until night to see whether the rumor about the ticking was really true, so the people at the monastery agreed to wait. The clock struck 11, and the ticking started. It went on for a few hours while Nodda listened with amazement.
The next morning, Nodda asked the hosts what it was, that was making the noise.
“Please sir, tell me. I will even tell you my last name and pay and extra 500,000 dollars, as I am so curious” he begged.
“I am sorry, but this secret can only be revealed to those who possess the most knowledge about Buddhism, and I can’t tell you because you’re Nodda Munk”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1izgg/the_rapper_and_the_artifact/
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What do you call 2 petri dishes enjoying themselves at an art museum?

Cultured

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1iy4t/what_do_you_call_2_petri_dishes_enjoying/
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Driving test

This man failed driving test 4 times. When he applied for the 5th time the examiner asked him the same question.
Examiner asked, “if you are going at the speed of 50 mph and there is a mountain on one side of the road and ditch on the other side and there is a young boy and an old man standing on the road, what do you hit?
The man said, “old man.”
Again, he failed this time too. Frustrated, he asked the examiner why he failed again.
Examiner angrily shouted, “what about the damn brakes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1irq9/driving_test/
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TIL that the majority of car companies make cell phones,

Except for Dodge, they just make Chargers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ir75/til_that_the_majority_of_car_companies_make_cell/
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Mich grabbed his Meat. Sam grabbed her buns...

The made little sam'miches together. <3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ipym/mich_grabbed_his_meat_sam_grabbed_her_buns/
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Have you ever tried making a house of cards with credit cards?

You have to use ones with outstanding balances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ioi1/have_you_ever_tried_making_a_house_of_cards_with/
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"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.

The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1inae/im_sorry_but_your_wife_didnt_make_it_a_doctor/
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Be careful if you use the Bethesda duffel bag.

Your stuff might fallout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1im11/be_careful_if_you_use_the_bethesda_duffel_bag/
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What do shrimps do when they’re depressed?

They krill themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1igv2/what_do_shrimps_do_when_theyre_depressed/
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What's a kinky Native Americans favorite drink?

Tea pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ig2p/whats_a_kinky_native_americans_favorite_drink/
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No denying that

A journalist goes to interview an old healthy man on his 105th birthday
Journo: What's the secret to your long healthy life?
Old man: Just one thing: I don't get into arguments
Journo: How can it be just that? Surely you need a healthy diet, good exercise, etc.?
Old man: Yes, you are right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1i9bw/no_denying_that/
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Thank you student loans, I'm so grateful for your help in getting me through college...

I don't think I can ever pay you back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1i8u8/thank_you_student_loans_im_so_grateful_for_your/
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What's the difference between a nanagon and a nonagon?

A nonagon is a shape with nine sides. A nanagon is an old woman in a casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hzgi/whats_the_difference_between_a_nanagon_and_a/
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What are Italian slums called?

Spaghettos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hygu/what_are_italian_slums_called/
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What do you call the area where a group of French cats talk?

A chatroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hxm2/what_do_you_call_the_area_where_a_group_of_french/
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My wife is the jealous type...

If I so much as look at another woman, she snatches the binoculars right out of my hands!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1howe/my_wife_is_the_jealous_type/
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Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"

Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ho19/wife_our_new_neighbor_always_kisses_his_wife_when/
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I'm really greatful to everyone who took the time and helped me understand the definition of the word "much"

It really means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hnle/im_really_greatful_to_everyone_who_took_the_time/
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What color is Sprite Cranberry?

The answer is clear﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hm6g/what_color_is_sprite_cranberry/
%
How do you sell an iPhone to a Soviet?

Call it ourPhone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hlio/how_do_you_sell_an_iphone_to_a_soviet/
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Bobby farted at his wedding...

He then felt very embarrassed and prayed to god so he could sleep for one hundred years so everyone would forget this embarrassment..
Bob woke up 100 years later and went to the market to buy food.
When he paid with a coin, the shopkeeper was very surprised. He said:
"Oh my god. This coin is from the times of Bobby The smelly belly..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hl3n/bobby_farted_at_his_wedding/
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I saw a fat bird down the pub

And her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!
I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan."
She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!"
I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all."
She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?."
"That's not how you spell Manatee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hkpw/i_saw_a_fat_bird_down_the_pub/
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I once stole a utensil from the kitchen where I worked..

I felt guilty but it was worth the whisk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hkfp/i_once_stole_a_utensil_from_the_kitchen_where_i/
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Working at the JobCentre has to be a tense job

Knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hk09/working_at_the_jobcentre_has_to_be_a_tense_job/
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I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery

She was in charge of the hops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hi0o/i_used_to_date_a_girl_with_one_leg_who_worked_at/
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Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off

I think I'm been stalked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hhvz/someone_keeps_sending_me_flowers_with_all_the/
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Someone told me they didn't like calculus

I told them their opinion would change over time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hhmm/someone_told_me_they_didnt_like_calculus/
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The Voices In His Head

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.'' He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.'' Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
Finally he can't take it anymore.
He does what the voice says to do. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.'' He puts all his money on red 23.
The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, ''Ahh Fuck.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hgi0/the_voices_in_his_head/
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Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4 they would be chicken sedans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hfv6/why_do_chicken_coops_have_2_doors/
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Vegas Vacation

Three male work buddies decided to take their wives on a gambling vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The gambling vacation week flew by and  they all had a great time in the casinos gambling. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break time on their first day back and discussed their Vegas vacation.
The  first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back from Vegas, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”
The second  guy says “I know what you mean… my old lady played black jack the whole vacation and she slaps the bed all night and hollers “hit me light or hit me hard”, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”
The  third guy says “You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the  slots the whole vacation and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and  an ass full of quarters!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hfaq/vegas_vacation/
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What's the difference between a lobster with tits and a dirty bus stop?

One is crusty bus station and one is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1heyo/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with_tits/
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Smart Kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”  The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?”  said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer  leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.  “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters  instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1helj/smart_kid/
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Tourist hard life.

The tourist get out on train. Next to the station he try to find out where is philharmony. On the street he met drunk and dirty man. He asked him: "sorry, How can I get to the philhamony ?"
The man said:
practise, practise and one more I aamm sayinnng practise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1heft/tourist_hard_life/
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What do you call a cow with epilepsy?

Beef jerky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1hd4w/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_epilepsy/
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In my Science class we were talking about Kinetic and Potential energy. I said outloud "No wonder my mom calls me Kinetic"

"Because I have no Potential"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1h8gt/in_my_science_class_we_were_talking_about_kinetic/
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Have you guys heard about the kid born without eyelids?

The doctors used his foreskin as eyelids after they circumcised him.
He's fine now but he's just a bit cockeyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1h79i/have_you_guys_heard_about_the_kid_born_without/
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Do you know how popular graveyards are?

People are dying to get in them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1h5jn/do_you_know_how_popular_graveyards_are/
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Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice,

shame on your mother for raising such a little cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1h3kd/fool_me_once_shame_on_you_fool_me_twice/
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Jokes are like boomerangs

You can send one out, and it'll always come back.
tbh even this one but that was 6 months ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1gwg5/jokes_are_like_boomerangs/
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A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe

and says, “A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please.” The two of them drink their beers. Then: “A shot for me, and one for the giraffe, too.” And the two of them keep drinking all night. Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender shouts out, “Hey! You’re not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?”
“That’s not a lion,” the man replies. “It’s a giraffe.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1gvsk/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_giraffe/
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What happens when you mix the DNA of a human and a goat?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1grz1/what_happens_when_you_mix_the_dna_of_a_human_and/
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How can you differentiate between an original joke and a repost?

The original one is not on the frontpage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1gqlb/how_can_you_differentiate_between_an_original/
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I don’t believe in hitting my kids as punishment

I just do it for fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1gozo/i_dont_believe_in_hitting_my_kids_as_punishment/
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An arab man found the face of Mohammed in his margarine jar

He showed it to his Chinese neighbor who said " I can't believe it's not Buddha"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1gmox/an_arab_man_found_the_face_of_mohammed_in_his/
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Every time I get greedy and take more than my fair share, I break out in hives.

I must be allergic to selfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1gkwt/every_time_i_get_greedy_and_take_more_than_my/
%
Paddy runs into the pub and shouts, "Mick, some assholes stole your car!”

Mick says, "Did you see who did it?"
Paddy replies, "No, but I got the license number!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1gjis/paddy_runs_into_the_pub_and_shouts_mick_some/
%
As the vet removed the used condom from my dog's throat, I looked at her.

"This is awkward," I told her.
"Yes," she said. "But...dogs do stick their heads into bins before, it's not unheard of."
"That's right," I said. "But they don't often give blowjobs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1g93a/as_the_vet_removed_the_used_condom_from_my_dogs/
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There was once a man who read no books

He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened.
His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
"People who use "read it" have no friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1g6xs/there_was_once_a_man_who_read_no_books/
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What do you get when you tickle Chuck Norris?

Chuckle Norris.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1g6wl/what_do_you_get_when_you_tickle_chuck_norris/
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What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1g2y3/what_did_the_cannibal_get_when_he_was_late_for/
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What do you get when you mix Goat DNA and Human DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1fynd/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_goat_dna_and_human/
%
Fallout 76

... why did you clicked the title? That was the joke...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1fwul/fallout_76/
%
I lost an argument to a scoliosis patient the other day...

I guess I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1fvri/i_lost_an_argument_to_a_scoliosis_patient_the/
%
How do you cancel your appointment at a sperm bank?

Cum early

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1fu2h/how_do_you_cancel_your_appointment_at_a_sperm_bank/
%
My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1fu26/my_dad_asked_me_the_other_day_are_you_even/
%
Original Genie joke (let me hear yours!)

Man finds a genie and gets 3 wishes.
"I want a huge cock" The genie makes a fairly large rooster appear out of thin air.
"No, no, I want a bigger penis!" The genie gives the man a bigger penis... right beside the one he already had.
"Alright fine then, wait right here." The man comes back with a lawyer and contract drawn up.
The genie speaks. "This wish contract is solid, I see no loopholes. However I do not see the necessity in me granting you a huge dick, as it seems you have already acquired one on your own."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ftz1/original_genie_joke_let_me_hear_yours/
%
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1frz7/teacher_kids_what_does_the_chicken_give_you/
%
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus...

...She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied,
Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1frnm/a_lady_about_8_months_pregnant_got_on_a_bus/
%
A Hummer and a Prius drive into a bar...

The bartender says “What the fuck?! Is everyone okay?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1fldu/a_hummer_and_a_prius_drive_into_a_bar/
%
On my online dating profile it clearly says that I’m 6 foot - 4 inches

So why when I turn up are woman always disappointed that I’m 5’8”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1fjgx/on_my_online_dating_profile_it_clearly_says_that/
%
A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC...

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing classical music. The champagne was flowing freely.
The Russian walked up to a senator and asked, "This is amazing, how are you able to afford such a party?" The senator smiled and said, "I'm glad you asked. Here, look out this window. You see that bridge out there in the distance?" The Russian nods. "Well, that bridge cost $100 million dollars to build. Of course, we tell the taxpayers that it costs $200 million and skim a little for ourselves"
The Russian's eyes widen. "That's brilliant. I'll be sure to tell my fellow comrades in the government when I get back home."
Several months later, the US senator is in Moscow. The Russian diplomat hears about this and decides to throw his own dinner party. When the senator arrives, he is absolutely amazed. The walls are lined in marble and gold. Lobster and caviar are being served to everyone. An entire symphony is playing. Everything is perfect. It makes the previous party look poor in comparison.
The senator walks up to the Russian diplomat and says, "my god man, I thought you were having money issues over here. How can you afford such a party? It's truly spectacular!"
The diplomat smiles and says, "I'm glad you asked. Look out the window. Do you see that bridge out there in the distance?" The senator squints his eyes and finally says, "No. I can't see any bridge." The Russian smiles even broader "Exactly!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1fifn/a_russian_diplomat_was_visiting_washington_dc/
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Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back

And I replied: Yes, who did you think it was?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1fhdw/recently_my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_was_having/
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Two priests decided to open a fast food joint.

The first became a fish friar, while the other became a chip monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1fgtt/two_priests_decided_to_open_a_fast_food_joint/
%
How did the golfer die?

I put a hole in one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1fe9q/how_did_the_golfer_die/
%
What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man".
The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".
"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1fc01/what_being_a_man_is_about/
%
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1fahr/what_is_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
Why did the Scarecrow get a promotion?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1fab3/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
Three men were sitting together bragging..

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties
The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1f75s/three_men_were_sitting_together_bragging/
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I don't understand why people get so mad when someone removes their own question from Stackoverflow...

nvm, I figured it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1f60y/i_dont_understand_why_people_get_so_mad_when/
%
Star gazing isn’t very fun

I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ez86/star_gazing_isnt_very_fun/
%
Why did the turkey cross the road?

He didn't. He's an asshole and just stood in front of my car for 5 mins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1evn1/why_did_the_turkey_cross_the_road/
%
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station.
The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here!
I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time.
Today I am taking them to the beach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1eo5l/a_man_drives_to_a_gas_station_and_has_his_tank/
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What do you call an IT teacher that touches his students?

A PDF file

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1enjv/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_that_touches_his/
%
So I get home yesterday...

...and my dog is laying on my porch covered in mud and has a rabbit in his mouth. He's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbors raise these rabbits for some competitions and they have won blue ribbons. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash all the dirt off and before my neighbors got home I took it over, put him back in the cage and walked back in the house.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming, so I go out and ask them what's wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1emtw/so_i_get_home_yesterday/
%
My ex wife still misses me.

But her aim is getting better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ej7p/my_ex_wife_still_misses_me/
%
I get hit by the same bike every day

It's a vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1e99v/i_get_hit_by_the_same_bike_every_day/
%
It's career day at an elementary school, and there's a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Catholic Priest on stage

talking to the kids in the auditorium. Well, all of a sudden the whole thing bursts into flames, and the Doctor, the Lawyer, and the Priest run for the back stage door. They get out safely and run from the building, but the Doctor makes them stop. They can hear screaming kids burning up, trappe inside.
So the doctor says, "We have to go in and save the children!"
The lawyer goes, "Fuck the children!"
And the priest asks, "Do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1e6x3/its_career_day_at_an_elementary_school_and_theres/
%
The problem with political jokes is…

They get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1e69n/the_problem_with_political_jokes_is/
%
A three legged dog walks into a bar...

“I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1e5h5/a_three_legged_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
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My friend likes to grow bacteria from his yogurt like I do

I see he's a man of culture as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1e2cm/my_friend_likes_to_grow_bacteria_from_his_yogurt/
%
What did the mathematician call their parrot when it stopped eating?

Polynomial.
What did they call it when it died?
Polygon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1e29s/what_did_the_mathematician_call_their_parrot_when/
%
So there was a mother of three boys, who wanted to grow up to be pimps........

NSFW.
.....They were always getting into trouble at school, cursing and swearing, and generally terrible boys.  So the mother decided to spend some quality time with them one morning, by making them breakfast.
She calls the boys downstairs for breakfast and they sit at the table.  Mother lovingly says to oldest son, "What would you like for breakfast?"  The oldest son says, "Look here Trick, make me some damn pancakes!"  The mother begins to fume.  In a fit of rage she takes her iron skillet and BAM, smashes it across the oldest sons face!
She looks at the middle son and says, "What would you like for breakfast?" The middle son replies, "If you don't take your ho ass over there and make me some pancakes!"  Blinded by rage, the mother says, "what What WHAT!" and BAAAM!, cracks the middle son over the head with the iron skillet!
The mother finally moves to the youngest son and says, "Think carefully.  What do you want for breakfast?"  The youngest son looks at his mom, then gazes down at his two older brothers laying on the floor bleeding.  He looks up at his mother and says, "Damn Biatch!  I sure as hell don't want any mothafuckin pancakes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1e235/so_there_was_a_mother_of_three_boys_who_wanted_to/
%
Do you need an ark?

I Noah guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1e1qg/do_you_need_an_ark/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1dzzy/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
What's a short, quiet Hawaiian laugh?

Aloha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1dy64/whats_a_short_quiet_hawaiian_laugh/
%
I hate Grammar-Nazis.

I think it's because of how anti-semantic they are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1dxg3/i_hate_grammarnazis/
%
Ever wonder why Santa is so jolly?

Because, he knows where all the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1dwkg/ever_wonder_why_santa_is_so_jolly/
%
A mother asks her doctor if she should vaccinate her kids...

The Doctor replied,
"There's an old joke:
A dentist tells his patient 'You need to start flossing every day.'
The patient asks 'Do I need to floss all of my teeth?'
The dentist replies 'No, of course not; you only need to floss the teeth you want to keep.'
Similarly, I would say that you should only vaccinate the children that you want to keep alive".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1dwfz/a_mother_asks_her_doctor_if_she_should_vaccinate/
%
2 farmers are fighting over their donkeys.

They can't tell the donkeys apart so the first farmer says "I'll cut my the tail of my donkey off so that we can tell."
A few days later the donkeys get into a fight and the other donkey gets it's tail bitten off.
The other farmer says "I'll cut my donkey's ear off so I know it's mine."
Then the next day the donkeys fight again and the other one loses an ear.
Then the first farmer says "I'll put a collar around my donkey"
The donkeys get into a fight again and the folder comes off.
Then finally the first farmer says "I'll tell you what, you take the white one and I'll take the black one."
The second farmer responds: We should probably keep this gate closed too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1du28/2_farmers_are_fighting_over_their_donkeys/
%
A man walks up to the counter at the airport holding a dead possum. The attendant asks “Sir, will you be checking that?”

The man replies “No, it’s carrion.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1dryh/a_man_walks_up_to_the_counter_at_the_airport/
%
How are all those drugs smuggled into prison?

probably by some asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1dq1k/how_are_all_those_drugs_smuggled_into_prison/
%
Anybody out there interested in having occasional platonic hangout sessions?

Asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1dk54/anybody_out_there_interested_in_having_occasional/
%
Instead of compliments we should start giving people plateaus.

They are the highest forms of flattery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1difh/instead_of_compliments_we_should_start_giving/
%
How did the golfer die?

Stroke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1diao/how_did_the_golfer_die/
%
I asked my pet pigeon what he thought of my new shoes

he said it was coo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1dgve/i_asked_my_pet_pigeon_what_he_thought_of_my_new/
%
A Rapist breaks into a house

A rapist breaks into a house and ties up the husband and wife. He then kissed the wife's ear and went into the bathroom. The husband said "satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong, love you!!"
The wife answered, "He didnt kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay. He needed vaseline so I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong. Love you!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1d6wb/a_rapist_breaks_into_a_house/
%
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1d664/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_spade_in_his_head/
%
Jokes about masturbation are really overdone.

At this point it's just beating off a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1d5eb/jokes_about_masturbation_are_really_overdone/
%
Three Southern Belles are sipping a lemonade on the porch swing one hot summer day.

The first one says "Ah heard tell of a boah kissin' anothuh boah. They call them 'ho-mo-seck-shules'."
They all giggle and fan themselves.
The second one says "Wail, AH heard of a gurl kissin' anothuh gurl. They call them 'lez-bee-ans'."
They all turn slightly red and sip their lemonade.
The third one says "Wail, AH know a boah who kisses a gurl on her prahhh-vit pahts between huhr laigs."
"Oh mah," the first one says. "What do they cawl him?"
"Wail, AH call him 'precious'," she smiles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1d0vb/three_southern_belles_are_sipping_a_lemonade_on/
%
Remember remember

The 1st of December when all the redditors came at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1d042/remember_remember/
%
What disease can you get from a gender neutral dog bite?

Theybies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1czfs/what_disease_can_you_get_from_a_gender_neutral/
%
I saw that new Queen film at a drive in and there was a terrible electrical storm during the show...

Thunderbolts and lightning! Very, very frightening!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1cyz9/i_saw_that_new_queen_film_at_a_drive_in_and_there/
%
Did you hear about the honest politicians?

That's funny.
Niether did I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1cwke/did_you_hear_about_the_honest_politicians/
%
A man and a genie

A man is walking on a sandy beach in Southern California, and what appears to be a very old bottle washes up on the shores.
The genie expressed gratitude for the man freeing him from the bottle.
The genie says "I am in your debt, but I can only grant you one wish."
The man says "Since I was a small child, I have dreamed of going to Hawaii. However, whenever I get on a boat, I get seasick. I also hate the idea of flying. My one request is to have a bridge from here, all the way to Hawaii."
The genie says "That is a very unrealistic and materialistic wish. Think of how much concrete that would require. It would also require a lot of support beams stretching down deep into the ocean. I could grant the wish, but I don't like to grant such unrealistic requests. If you have another wish in mind, please, state it now".
The man says "I have a friend who I've known for a while. He is a massive Apple fan. He acts like he's hot stuff and  superior to others because he spent $800 on a phone because a forced update made his older phone slower, and there is only a size difference. Can you please open up his eyes, let him realize he's being ripped off?"
The genie says "My, that's a very interesting request. So, how many lanes do you want the bridge to have? Which island do you want the bridge to go to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1cusk/a_man_and_a_genie/
%
What did one eye say to the other?

Something between us smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1cqlz/what_did_one_eye_say_to_the_other/
%
Not to brag but I finished this 14-day diet...

in 3 hours 38 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1cpxo/not_to_brag_but_i_finished_this_14day_diet/
%
I found out I was colorblind by watching Star Wars

I couldn't see the green screen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1cpsn/i_found_out_i_was_colorblind_by_watching_star_wars/
%
19 and 20 got into a fight

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1cpit/19_and_20_got_into_a_fight/
%
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1cois/a_boy_asks_his_father_dad_are_bugs_good_to_eat/
%
What are the smelliest pair of Pants?

Puma pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1cnw3/what_are_the_smelliest_pair_of_pants/
%
Class is like a Dora The Explorer Episode

The teacher asks a question, stares blankly, then answers his own question

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ckvn/class_is_like_a_dora_the_explorer_episode/
%
The king wanted to invade a neighboring country and gathered his entire court to advise him.

Every one of his advisors said the invasion was a bad idea, but the king went ahead and did it anyway - and it was just barely a success!
This proves that a leader is just a little greater than a court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1cimd/the_king_wanted_to_invade_a_neighboring_country/
%
When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ci1z/when_i_started_no_shave_november_i_thought_i/
%
A doctor who ran his clinic out of a shopping center was shut down this week...

He was sued for mall-practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1c3ee/a_doctor_who_ran_his_clinic_out_of_a_shopping/
%
What did the Soviets call the spread of communism?

Manifesto destiny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1c0rf/what_did_the_soviets_call_the_spread_of_communism/
%
Blind people earn more every week than a sighted person.

There's always little bumps in their salary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1bxil/blind_people_earn_more_every_week_than_a_sighted/
%
I was standing by a fruit and vegetable stand when a Scouser walked up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"
I said, "No, sorry honey. I don't drive."
--------------------------------------------------
**reference: A Scouser is someone from Liverpool, England.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1bq1j/i_was_standing_by_a_fruit_and_vegetable_stand/
%
Sister told me the police were going to do a welfare check on my aunt...

Could have swore that she got those in the mail....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1bpo5/sister_told_me_the_police_were_going_to_do_a/
%
An old man goes to a prostitute

He asks how much for a blow job.
She looks him up and down and says it will be 150 bucks.
He gasps and tells her it was only 30 dollars when he was a younger.
Welp thats how much they are now-a-days.
He grumbles, hands her the 150, drops his pants and starts masturbating furiously.
The hooker is like, what are you doing old man?
He says for that much money, you aren't getting the easy one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1boe0/an_old_man_goes_to_a_prostitute/
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A Swedish woman, two Swedish men and another Swedish woman...

...walk into ABBA...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1bnji/a_swedish_woman_two_swedish_men_and_another/
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3 friends want to work in the local mine...

They are totally inexperienced, but the money offered is good and they figure they can bluff their way in.
All 3 of them show up on the day of the interview and the first one is called into the boss' office.
Boss: So, do you have any mine working experience?
Friend 1: Sure, yeah, loads!
Boss: How deep down were you?
Friend 1: About 10 feet?
Boss: Get your lying ass out of here!
The 1st friend walks out and warns his two mates that 10 feet is definitely not deep enough. The 2nd friend is shown in.
Boss: So, any experience working in mines?
Friend 2: Oh boy, soooo much experience, yes!
Boss: How deep down were you?
Friend 2: About 50 miles?
Boss: Buzz off, you liar!!
The 2nd friend warns the last remaining buddy on the way out that 50 miles is way too deep. The 3rd friend gets shown into the office.
Boss: Let me guess, you have loads of mine experience?
Friend 3: Exactly!
Boss: And how deep did you work?
Friend 3: About 7 miles deep.
Boss: Well... That's very impressive! And what type of lamp did you use?
Friend 3: I didn't need a lamp, I only worked the day shift...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1bhz1/3_friends_want_to_work_in_the_local_mine/
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In an alternate universe, Lara Croft works in an abortion clinic...

She is called  the  Womb Raider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1be42/in_an_alternate_universe_lara_croft_works_in_an/
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Joke in description

There was a child,
His teacher asked him to learn the first four letters of the alphabet,
He asked his mom for the first and she said “shut up” because she was on the phone,
He asked his dad for the second and he said “180!” because he was playing darts,
He asked his sister for the third and she said “Michael Jackson” because she was listening to music,
He asked his little brother for the forth and he said “in my little brum brum car all day long!”
When the teacher asked him to list the first four letters he said “Shut Up”!
She then asked “How old do you think I am?”
He replied “180!”
She asked “Who do you think you are?”
He said “Michael Jackson!”
Finally she asked “how do you think you are going to get away from this?”
To which he answered “In my little broom broom car, all day long!”
Thnx have a good day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1bdh8/joke_in_description/
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What do you call a potato that has been launched into space?

The Spudnik

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1bbcx/what_do_you_call_a_potato_that_has_been_launched/
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Why do you never see Hippos hiding in trees?

Because they’re good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1b946/why_do_you_never_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
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I’ve started telling everyone I know about the benefits of dried fruit.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1b70x/ive_started_telling_everyone_i_know_about_the/
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What’s a soccer fan’s favorite lotion brand?

Olay, olay, olay, olay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1b2xh/whats_a_soccer_fans_favorite_lotion_brand/
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What’s the difference between someone living on the street and the newer IPhone?

None, both of them are homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1b20d/whats_the_difference_between_someone_living_on/
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Met a homeless man with a sign that said "One Dollar for a Dirty Joke"

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?"
Me: "John."
Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around - how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: "I don't know. A lot?"
Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1b1du/met_a_homeless_man_with_a_sign_that_said_one/
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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by LOOKING AT IT.

It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1atqc/i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_in_half_just_by_looking/
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Why should you just be honest to fat people?

Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1aqo2/why_should_you_just_be_honest_to_fat_people/
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[NSFW] An Alabama man visits a prostitute in NYC...

She tells him it's going to $1000 dollars for a half hour of her time. He says "Where I come from, ladies charge $100 for that!". She wouldn't budge from the price, and the man decided to pay the $1000 she was asking.
They went up to his hotel room and as soon as the door shut the man dropped his pants and started masturbating furiously.
"What are you doing?!?"
"Shit, for $1000 you didn't think I'd let you get the easy one did you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1angc/nsfw_an_alabama_man_visits_a_prostitute_in_nyc/
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Vaccines cause gay people

people who are vaccinated live long enough to figure out their sexuality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1anfh/vaccines_cause_gay_people/
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As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming...

Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1an45/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_55th_birthday_card_he/
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My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

A solid 10 but imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1afze/my_girlfriend_is_the_square_root_of_100/
%
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me, and after 2 years, when we broke up, she returned the $100.

I guess you could say I lost interest in the relationship,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1afb1/my_girlfriend_borrowed_100_from_me_and_after_2/
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If having sex for money makes you a whore...

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1abw8/if_having_sex_for_money_makes_you_a_whore/
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I just got a second hand apple computer and it’s in great condition...

You could say it’s iMaculate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ab2h/i_just_got_a_second_hand_apple_computer_and_its/
%
What do you call an extremely overweight Corgi?

Low fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1ab11/what_do_you_call_an_extremely_overweight_corgi/
%
Why did the Native American miss dinner?

Because he lost his Reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1aadd/why_did_the_native_american_miss_dinner/
%
Is it safe to eat salad?

That romaines to be seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1a5k7/is_it_safe_to_eat_salad/
%
Why don’t women play football?

Because they know better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1a5ee/why_dont_women_play_football/
%
Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1a0ov/hunters/
%
Dick is short for Richard

And he doesn’t like that I’m sharing this information

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1a0ev/dick_is_short_for_richard/
%
My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a19wqg/my_laptop_was_making_funny_noises_today_it/
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One time when I was young...

One time when I was young I did something really stupid. So my mother started disciplining me. Only this time in particular, some music had started playing. I wanted to go turn it off, but she beat me to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a19tos/one_time_when_i_was_young/
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Whats the difference between this subreddit and a joke book.

Nothing if you read the joke book twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a19mts/whats_the_difference_between_this_subreddit_and_a/
%
What do you call a Polynesian trans couple?

A Trans-Pacific Partnership

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a19huh/what_do_you_call_a_polynesian_trans_couple/
%
A Kung Fu student asks his master:

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a19h5i/a_kung_fu_student_asks_his_master/
%
What's the difference between a cow and the Twin Towers?

You can't milk a cow for 17 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a19crx/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_the_twin/
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A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel..

...to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.
Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a19cbr/a_jewish_businessman_in_america_decided_to_send/
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A girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club...

But I never met herbivore .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a19bzz/a_girl_said_she_recognized_me_from_the_vegetarian/
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I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here's what it said.

Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a199gf/i_made_a_computer_program_read_100_jokes_from/
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I just found out I'm colorblind..

...the diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a195qz/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/
%
I've had 3 wives over the course of my life.

My first wife, I married in Vegas. We were both drunk and the marriage didn't even last a day. I never saw her again.
My second wife was my best friend of many years, and our marriage lasted 5 more. Eventually, we decided that marriage wasn't for us, and we were fine just being friends. We divorced, but stayed in contact as close friends for the rest of our lives.
My third, and final wife was the love of my life. We decided to have a child, but when the time finally came, there was no way to get her to the hospital fast enough. I did the only thing I could think of and called my closest friend who came over and helped deliver the baby.
She was my midwife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a18v1h/ive_had_3_wives_over_the_course_of_my_life/
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My dad worked in the elevator business

He started on the ground floor but eventually made his way to the top.
Finally quit because there were too many ups and downs on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a18ujb/my_dad_worked_in_the_elevator_business/
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What do rights and testicles have in common?

Women don't have either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a18ms1/what_do_rights_and_testicles_have_in_common/
%
Two Grave Robbers Found Where Beethoven Was Burried.

They dig for a while and finally get to his coffin.
They open it up, only to see him erasing all the music that was buried with him.
Terrified, one of the grave robbers screams!
The other one turns to him and says, "hey man, calm down! He's just decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a18m59/two_grave_robbers_found_where_beethoven_was/
%
What’s an anti-vaxxers favorite game?

Marco Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a18h1i/whats_an_antivaxxers_favorite_game/
%
If you are old enough to write articles on anti-vaccination

Your parents probably made the right choice, unfortunately it was on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a18gk5/if_you_are_old_enough_to_write_articles_on/
%
I just flew in from Chernobyl

and boy are my arms legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a18gez/i_just_flew_in_from_chernobyl/
%
Dads are like boomerangs

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a18cub/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
Gender reveal parties are all the craze now

My parents are doing one next week. I'll be 30 then and they reckon I've had enough time to decide what gender I'm going to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a18cgt/gender_reveal_parties_are_all_the_craze_now/
%
What does anti-matter do?

never mind, it doesn't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a188f0/what_does_antimatter_do/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A ripoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1856p/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

Suture self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a184lp/what_did_the_surgeon_say_to_the_patient_who/
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A man goes to a prostitute...

A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150.
He says "what can I get for $50?"
"A penguin."
He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him.  After a few minutes without a word, she stops what she's doing, stands up and walks away.
The man, pants still around his ankles, begins waddling after her, "Hey what's a penguin??!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a182qn/a_man_goes_to_a_prostitute/
%
What's black and white and if it falls out of a tree it can kill you?

A piano

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a180xw/whats_black_and_white_and_if_it_falls_out_of_a/
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New Salesman - Long

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a180bw/new_salesman_long/
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How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

Wave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17zzk/how_do_you_get_a_onearmed_blonde_out_of_a_tree/
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Everyone hates my facial hair for No Shave November

But it’s growing on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17yet/everyone_hates_my_facial_hair_for_no_shave/
%
Police have reported a man going into local craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter.

It’s pretty nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17xoo/police_have_reported_a_man_going_into_local_craft/
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A man goes up to a hole...

A man goes up to a hole in the ground filled with water. He looks down at it and says "how are you". The hole replied "Im well, thank you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17vjq/a_man_goes_up_to_a_hole/
%
I once knocked a kid out on our 3rd grade class trip

so now I’m no longer allowed to chaperone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17vc1/i_once_knocked_a_kid_out_on_our_3rd_grade_class/
%
Roses are red,

My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17um6/roses_are_red/
%
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17rq5/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
What do you call someone who likes both the flat and drum chicken wing types?

Biwingual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17n16/what_do_you_call_someone_who_likes_both_the_flat/
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Im an inspiration

I rebuilt chernobyl with my own 3 hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17m74/im_an_inspiration/
%
I went to my doctor the other day.

I told her, "How about I begin from the top? This is a bit of a strange story?" She nods, and I began.
"The other day, my wife and I were in a mysterious location. My wife, being the kinky person she is, recommended that we go inside to the middle and have sex right on a mysterious mound. About ten minutes into it, a crash of thunder strikes, and a spirit appears right in front of me."
"YOU VILE BEINGS!" the spirit told me. "HOW DARE YOU TWO DESECRATE MY GRAVE!? BECAUSE OF THIS, I'M GONNA PLACE A CURSE ON YOU. YOU WILL BECOME YOUR ANCESTORS AS YOU MAKE LOVE! NOW HURRY ALONG!"
"We decided to experiment last night to see what would happen. Right as I penetrated, this weird flash of light happened. Suddenly, we were both cave men. However, we both decided to still carry on. A few minutes later, another flash of light, and suddenly we became Egyptians!"
"How many times did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"A few times, actually," I replied. "Eventually, we became Vikings, then Native Americans, then we were Greeks, then we were Japanese... I didn't even know we had that much ancestry between the two of us!"
"How does it feel when this happens?" the doctor asked, curiously.
"Well, it's pretty painful. However, feelings of arousal are still there, so naturally we kept going. Eventually, both of us reached the point of climax, when all of a sudden, FLASH!"
"...then what?" the doctor asked.
"We came as Romans."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17ixb/i_went_to_my_doctor_the_other_day/
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My uncle died on the oregon trail

We buried him in cholerado

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17i5c/my_uncle_died_on_the_oregon_trail/
%
Why are people from Alabama okay with sex with a second cousin?

Because the first cousin was great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17heu/why_are_people_from_alabama_okay_with_sex_with_a/
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A boy is born with no body

The poor guy had no arms, legs, or body and was just a head kept alive to the mercy of machines.
He sat by the window, day in and day out watching all the other boys play baseball in the field across the street, the dogs sprint to catch their frisbees, and the birds fly around so gracefully. He would give anything he had to be able to walk, or even crawl instead of sitting inside all day.
One day his mother comes to him in tears and tells him, "Johnny, I have wonderful news! The doctors found an organ donor and the parents have agreed to give you his whole body!"
Johnny endures countless hours of surgery and months in the hospital. It takes him even longer to learn how to use his new body and to walk. After about a year, the doctors and physical therapists finally release him to go home.
He is filled with an indescribable amount of joy. He finally arrives home and the first thing he does is look out that same window.
"Finally," he thinks to himself, "I can run and be free like everyone else."
Johnny walks to the door, opens it, and runs toward the baseball field as fast as he can.  Halfway there he gets hit by a car.
He is killed on impact.
The moral of the story: Quit while you're a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17g92/a_boy_is_born_with_no_body/
%
A man walks into the doctor's office for a check up.

The man is new in town and it's his first time in the clinic. The doctor starts by checking the man's blood pressure.
Doc: Have you any history of heart disease in your family?
Man: Yes, actually. My father suffered a number of heart attacks.
The doctor reaches for his stethoscope and listens to the man's heart. After a moment he stops.
Doc: I'm sorry but I must advise you to stop masturbating, sir.
Man: What... Why?
Doc: Because we're in the middle of an examination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17g71/a_man_walks_into_the_doctors_office_for_a_check_up/
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Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.

"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.
"Thats amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. Were thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! Wed be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.
"Things couldnt be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact its better than its ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.
"Im afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17cog/two_women_had_been_having_a_friendly_lunch_when/
%
Three boys are crying in church.

The priest walks up to the first boy and asks, "Why are you crying?"
The boy answers, "When no one was looking, I stole $20 from the donation box. I am very sorry."
The priest replies, "Return the money to the box, go drink from the Holy Water, and you will be forgiven." So, the boy returns the money, drinks from the Holy Water, and stops crying.
The priest walks up to the second boy and asks, "Why are *you* crying?"
The boy answers, "When no one was looking, I stole $50 from the donation box. I am very sorry."
The priest replies, "Return the money to the box, go drink from the Holy Water, and you will be forgiven." So, the boy returns the money, drinks from the Holy Water, and stops crying.
The priest walks up to the third boy and asks, "So, how much money did *you* take from the donation box?"
The boy answers, "I didn't take any money, I swear!"
The priest asks, "Well, then why are you crying?"
The boy replies, "When no one was looking, I peed in the Holy Water. I am very sorry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a17bu2/three_boys_are_crying_in_church/
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What every doctor is taught in med school.

"What the patient says he drinks, double.  What he says he smokes, triple.  Frequency of sexual intercourse, divide by four.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a176nj/what_every_doctor_is_taught_in_med_school/
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What are the security personnel at Samsung stores called?

The Guardians of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a175tq/what_are_the_security_personnel_at_samsung_stores/
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

You call it a fish. Having a disability doesn't mean you're a new species, ya jerk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a175p0/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
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The inventor of USB was buried twice

They put him in the wrong way the first time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a171bu/the_inventor_of_usb_was_buried_twice/
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A lesbian couple move into an apartment next to an apartment with male exchange students from Spaniard, an Israeli, and a French.

The couple informs their new neighbors that they are lesbians, and wants to be sure that they would have no issues. In order, the three men respond:
"Ken" "Oui" "Si"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1703p/a_lesbian_couple_move_into_an_apartment_next_to/
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An Arctic explorer gets frostbite

And looses the toes off both feet whilst on an expedition.
After he returns home he starts having relationship problems with his wife. He can't understand it as they had been happily married for years before his injuries.
She behaves really unreasonably and won't put up with anything that he does.
He speaks to his doctor to see if he has any advise that  the doctor could help with.
Dr.... "seems to me like your wife is lack toes intolerant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a16xm3/an_arctic_explorer_gets_frostbite/
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There is a horrible crash and 50 Pikeys are killed in a bus.

All 50 of them are sent up to heaven and are outside the golden gates where they are met by Saint Peter.
"Can we come in" one of the men ask.
Saint Peter has a look through the long list of sins they've committed and grimaces.
"You have all caused alot of hassle in your lives, this is too big for me to decide" says Saint Peter, as he turns around and walks to God for his answer,
"God" he says
"What is it you want" God Replies
"There is 50 Pikeys outside the golden gates trying to get in, should I let them in or not?" Peter asks
"I forgive all, they are my children and I will let them stay in the holy land"
With that, Peter runs back to the 50 men as God looks on, only to see Peter come sprinting back towards God screaming.
"Their gone, their gone" he shrieked
"The travelers?" God asked
"No, the gates!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a16vw6/there_is_a_horrible_crash_and_50_pikeys_are/
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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...

then Soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a16shx/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
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Why is Santa Claus' sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a16sgz/why_is_santa_claus_sack_so_big/
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What did the paralyzed man say to his loud neighbour

I can’t stand  you guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a16rql/what_did_the_paralyzed_man_say_to_his_loud/
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How to piss off a Bolivian?

When you greet him, tell him "Heeey, long time, no sea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a16ooe/how_to_piss_off_a_bolivian/
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A Woman Goes To Buy A Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.
"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"
"That's amazing, but I don't think I can afford that" the woman answers
"OK, no problem. For $100 this parrot is incredible. It was raised in the home of Sir Andrew Motion, it knows the complete works of Eliot, Wordsworth and Whitman and will recite their poems on command."
"That's incredible, but I can't afford that one either"
"OK, OK, I see you want a slightly more budget option. This next parrot is only $50. He's wonderful. He used to be Andrew Lloyd Webber's parrot, and he knows all the show tunes. He whistles any show tune you like, on command."
"Wow, that's great. It's still too expensive though. What can I get for $5?"
The shopkeeper looks at her, and with a shrug goes into the back room and brings out another parrot. It's beautiful, the colours are far more radiant than the other three, it stands proud in its cage, a truly majestic looking bird.
"What a beautiful parrot! Why is it only $5?"
"It was raised reading /r/jokes and repeats the same three jokes 100 times a day"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a16l9l/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot/
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When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a16fdr/when_feeding_me_my_mother_would_say_here_comes/
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Shipwrecked Australian

A typical Australian guy, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided  to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have  the time of his life. That is, until the ship sank! He found himself on  an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one  day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.  In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'  She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here  when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky  to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the  woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The  oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm  branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But,  where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the  woman. 'On the south side of the Island , a very unusual stratum of  alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature  in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used  the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to  my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks  the boat at a small wharf. As the Man looks to shore, he nearly falls  off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow  painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an  expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As  they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,'  he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut  juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How  would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After  they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to  slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer  questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel  mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When  he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically  positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to  sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering  closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes..... . . . . . . .  . . . . . . .
'Fucking hell, don't tell me you've got Netflix ?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a16bwm/shipwrecked_australian/
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What do vending machines, explosives and a cross-eyed seeing two people have in common?

C4, and there's a chance someone might get hurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a16b96/what_do_vending_machines_explosives_and_a/
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Interesting piece of history

Somewhere in the dawn of time, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a169wz/interesting_piece_of_history/
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The Taliban and The Jew

A fleeing Taliban fighter, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.  Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis,only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water.  Would you like to buy a tie?  They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot!  I do not need an over-priced tie.  I need water!  I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.  I will show you that I am bigger than that.  If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.  It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.  Several hours later he staggered back,almost dead and said,
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"
(I know I know, what's a Jew doing in the Afghan desert. Simple, he sees a business opportunity and goes where business is good, just like his brother)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a169hb/the_taliban_and_the_jew/
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A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband

**A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1695r/a_woman_in_labor_is_screaming_profanity_at_her/
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Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they're all birds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1673f/me_im_an_expert_at_identifying_birds/
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A couple is walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining" says the man.
"I think it's snowing" says the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He's always right!" Exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1671k/a_couple_is_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
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Two guys are sitting in a bar..

..one pukes a little on himself. "Oh no, my wife is going to kill me!"
"I know what to do" the other replied "you say, you went to the bathroom, another guy came out, puked on you and gave you 50$ for cleaning." "You just have to put 50$ bucks in your shirt pocket.
Say and done, the man walks home, his wife ist waiting. At the moment he goes in, she starts screaming: " Where have you been? Have you been drinking again? And what is that on your shirt?"
"Oh, funny story, I went to the bathroom, another guy came out and puked on me, than he gave me 50$ for cleaning, here, you see" pointing to his shirt pocket.
"But there are 100$!"
"Oh... right... he shit in my pants too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a161un/two_guys_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
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Why did the Navy captain have a hard time keeping up his insults of the island people?

He had a wrecked isle diss function.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a15zm2/why_did_the_navy_captain_have_a_hard_time_keeping/
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Did you hear about the French chef that blew up the kitchen?

They’re calling him Linoleum Blownapart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a15wiz/did_you_hear_about_the_french_chef_that_blew_up/
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Why is Despicable Me’s protagonist so tall?

He Gru

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a15v2q/why_is_despicable_mes_protagonist_so_tall/
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What do you call a mexican who has lost his car ?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a15ti0/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_has_lost_his_car/
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The Bermuda triangle used to be known as the Bermuda rectangle...

...until one of the sides mysteriously vanished...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a15rfu/the_bermuda_triangle_used_to_be_known_as_the/
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A Freudian slip

Is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a15q1i/a_freudian_slip/
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Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his pizza before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a15p8f/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
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Why did Elon Musk name his company Spacex?

Because Spacey was touching kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a15n0e/why_did_elon_musk_name_his_company_spacex/
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I am addicted to smashing up ceramic bathrooms.

I have a wreck tile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a15mtf/i_am_addicted_to_smashing_up_ceramic_bathrooms/
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What’s worse than having ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a15kd1/whats_worse_than_having_ants_in_your_pants/
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A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles"
After hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day"
The man is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a156io/a_man_visits_the_council_to_apply_for_a_job/
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From behind me while walking downtown I heard a gentleman bellow, "Ho Ho Ho!"

I thought it was Santa Claus but I turned around and it was just a pimp taking inventory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a152q5/from_behind_me_while_walking_downtown_i_heard_a/
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I've devised the perfect plan. One day, I'll pretend to be gay, make lots of female friends, gain their trust, become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a14wsp/ive_devised_the_perfect_plan_one_day_ill_pretend/
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Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a14v9o/ok_i_finally_understand_my_life/
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Is Reddit an echo chamber?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a14rq7/is_reddit_an_echo_chamber/
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Entered a blindfolded masturbation contest the other day...

No idea where I came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a14mtc/entered_a_blindfolded_masturbation_contest_the/
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My friend told this very NSFW joke during some TV recording training, got asked to tell something different.

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a14iw8/my_friend_told_this_very_nsfw_joke_during_some_tv/
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A Scotsman walks into a pub...

He drags himself onto a stool and orders a beer. Placing the full glass in front of him, the bartender inquires upon his sad face.
The man answers with a smoky and trembling voice and a Scottish accent:
Ah, tell ya man! This pub, this very pub we're just sitting in. I built it, with me own hands! But do they call me the Pubmaker? Naa!
See the wall over there, that protects our town? I built it, with me own hands! But do they call me the Wallmaker?
And the bridge, you know, that crosses our river, I built it, with me own hands! But do they call me the Bridgemaker?
The Scotsman, under his breath, adds quietly:
"but you fuck one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a14bqe/a_scotsman_walks_into_a_pub/
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A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.
"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."
She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a deal this was for such a strikingly beautiful parrot, she decides to buy it. A few swear words would be a small price to pay. She asks the clerk to get the bird ready for purchase.
When she gets home with the parrot, the parrot starts looking around, and starts realizing he's no longer in the shop. He starts swearing. The words coming out of this bird are so shocking the woman starts to panic. No amount of shushing or pleading with the parrot has any effect.
Finally in desperation, the lady grabs the parrot and throws him in the freezer. After a few moments, the swearing stops.
She opens the freezer door and a very subdued parrot emerges.
"Pardon me madam. I believe we got off on the wrong foot to start so please allow me to apologize profusely. If I might be so bold as to inquire as to what the chicken did to be deserve being thrown in there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a14b2b/a_woman_walks_past_a_pet_store_and_sees_a/
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I just watched a program about beavers

It was the best dam program I've ever seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a13x1j/i_just_watched_a_program_about_beavers/
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What's the most effective way to make it to Russia from Alaska?

Boat a compass and keeping your berings strait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a13u9h/whats_the_most_effective_way_to_make_it_to_russia/
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The Perverted Boss....

The boss at a small company was a very perverted guy. Everyone knew about it and usually kept their distance. The boss recently hired a new smoking hot secretary. Everyone told her to keep her distance from him but she wasn't fazed.
One day the boss told the secretary that he has kept 100 dollars behind the couch in his office. She was free to bend over and take it, but the catch was that whenever she would go for it for the time she was looking for the entire amount the boss was free to do as he pleased with her.
Seeing this as easy money she agreed. She bent over the couch and saw the 100$ bill and reached for it, the boss grabbed her butt, but as soon as she found the 100$ and stood up the boss stopped and he didn't do anything else. This continued for a couple of weeks where everyday she would come into the office and go for the 100$ bill behind the couch, it always took her less than 10 seconds with nothing ever amounting to more than a spank on her ass. She would later brag about that money to her co-workers and how she's using her boss's perversions to her advantage.
One day though as she was coming out of his office everyone saw that her hair and clothes were messed up, she had a stutter to her walk too. Everyone asked what happened?
She said," The motherfucker put 100$ in quarters today".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a13r10/the_perverted_boss/
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Blonde Goes Horse Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a13q5d/blonde_goes_horse_riding/
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After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says

“Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first doctor”.
The doctor replies, “We’ll, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair”.
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news”. The doctor replies, “He’s dead”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a13opy/after_a_long_labour_a_doctor_approaches_the_new/
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There's a little known legend about Attila the hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.
But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.
Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.
Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.
But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.
Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."
Curious, Attila did as he asked.
Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.
"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.
Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.
To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,
"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a13mel/theres_a_little_known_legend_about_attila_the_hun/
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I don't think making the world's biggest piece of cooked beef was McDonalds' greatest ideea.

In fact, I believe it was quite a huge McSteak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a13lvv/i_dont_think_making_the_worlds_biggest_piece_of/
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Proof that dating is evil

Dating requires time and money, so:
Dating = Time × Money
"Time is money", so:
Dating = Money^2
"Money is the root of all evil", so:
Dating = √Evil^2
Dating = Evil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a13l7l/proof_that_dating_is_evil/
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So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared”
Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a13i50/so_a_guy_is_walking_with_a_young_boy_into_the/
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I dont get why Rogues arent able to learn languages.

I guess Thieves' Cant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a13hfp/i_dont_get_why_rogues_arent_able_to_learn/
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My sex drive is absolutely huge....

Currently it's at 10 terabytes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a13gsv/my_sex_drive_is_absolutely_huge/
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I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went...

And then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a13fv3/i_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_where_the_sun_went/
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If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...

I'd have 60% gross margins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a13d0i/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_i_gave_someone/
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If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you...

You don’t know what you’re missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a132ld/if_youve_never_tried_blindfolded_archery_let_me/
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A man walks into a bar

and sitting at one of the stools is, quite possibly, the oldest man he's ever seen. Drawn to the old timer, he asks, "Who are you?"
The old man replies in a soft voice that somehow echoes throughout the bar, "I am God."
He scoffs, "No way."
"Yahweh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1302h/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Obedient server!!

Rich Man : Michael (the Butler), for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?
Michael: Sir, before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip, as I get upstairs, I put it back.
Unfortunately, that was butler’s last day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a12xfg/obedient_server/
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Boss makes a dollar and I make a dime!

That’s why I poop on company time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a12tk8/boss_makes_a_dollar_and_i_make_a_dime/
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I tried to stop my 103 year old grandfather from going mountain climbing

He told me not to worry because he was in his prime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a12s0e/i_tried_to_stop_my_103_year_old_grandfather_from/
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A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals

He looks to his left and sees a very short man also peeing. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man’s penis.
“Sorry,” says the taller man.
“I’m not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I’ve ever seen, especially on a man so small!”
“Well,” says the little man, “that’s because I’m a Leprechaun! All Leprechauns have penises this size!”
The taller man says, “Incredible! I’d give anything for mine to be that long.”
“Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I’ll give you your wish!”
“Gee,” says the man, “I don’t know about that. Oh, to hell with it. OK!”
Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, humping away.
“Say,” says the Leprechaun, “how old are you, son?”
Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, “Uh-uh, thirty-two...”
Finishing up  says the little man, “thirty-two and you still believe in Leprechauns!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a12q90/a_man_walks_into_a_public_bathroom_and_begins/
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I am surprised how little people change.

Actually it’s the same, but with tinier clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a12mjp/i_am_surprised_how_little_people_change/
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Your momma so fat, the only people that will sleep with her are bikers....

They're used to riding hogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a12i24/your_momma_so_fat_the_only_people_that_will_sleep/
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What do you call a cardboard belt?

A waist of paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a12hag/what_do_you_call_a_cardboard_belt/
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They used to be called “jumpolines”

Until your mom jumped on one back in 1972

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a12eu2/they_used_to_be_called_jumpolines/
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Why do gingers buy so many shoes?

It's the only legal way to acquire soles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a12d44/why_do_gingers_buy_so_many_shoes/
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Jokes about Communism aren't funny...

Unless everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a12a7w/jokes_about_communism_arent_funny/
%
A Nickelodeon fan and a Namco enthusiast walk into a bar.

The Nickelodeon fan says to him, "Yo, do you dig Doug?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a127pb/a_nickelodeon_fan_and_a_namco_enthusiast_walk/
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How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

10001.
1 to hold the lightbulb.
10000 to turn the house around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a127oc/how_many_blondes_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A man driving down the road sees a sign that says "Apples $5."

He's kinda hungry so he pulls over and says he will take a dozen. The guy working the stand says "That'll be $60" "Whoah" says the buyer, "Your apples are $5 Each?!" "Yepp, because my apples taste like peanut butter and jelly. Here, try one!" Says the seller. So the man takes a bite and to his surprise it tastes like peanut butter! "Take a bite out of the other side." Says the seller. The man is shocked again as the other side tastes like jelly. Impressed, he buys a dozen and drives on.
He comes across another sign that says "Apples $10." He pulls over and asks the man working his stand what's special about his apples. "My apples taste like peaches and cream." He says. "Here, try one." The man takes a bite and lo-and-behold it tastes like a peach. He Takes a bite from the other side and sure enough, tastes like cream. So he buys a few and drives on.
A little further down the road he sees a man holding a sign that says "Apples $50" So of course he pulls over out of curiosity. He says to the man "$50?! What's up with your apples, they must be delicious!!" The seller pulls him close and says "Listen homie, my apples taste like pussy." He replies "GTFO of here man, for real??" "For real" says the seller. "Here, try one!" And hands one over. The man takes a bite and instantly spits it out, disgusted. "My God! That tastes like shit!!!" The seller replies "My bad, bro! You gotta turn it around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a126ov/a_man_driving_down_the_road_sees_a_sign_that_says/
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How does a feminist screw in a light bulb?

They hold it up to the ceiling and wait for the world to revolve around them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a125j1/how_does_a_feminist_screw_in_a_light_bulb/
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Set you password to 244466666

..so you can tell them it's 123456

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a120h0/set_you_password_to_244466666/
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An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom....

So the wife goes to an adult toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her love making. The worker suggests some crotchless panties and takes her to see some. The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out. She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new panties. She eagerly waits for her husband to get home. After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a11xds/an_elderly_married_couple_is_having_problems_in/
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What's pink inside and smells like fish?

Salmon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a11rzt/whats_pink_inside_and_smells_like_fish/
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My friend kept bugging so I told her to stop she looked at me and said "What you gonna do about it".

So I threw my dildo at her.
It was a Dick move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a11pky/my_friend_kept_bugging_so_i_told_her_to_stop_she/
%
Why did the Mammoths go extinct?

There weren't any Pappoths left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a11oes/why_did_the_mammoths_go_extinct/
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What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?

A cab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a11llo/what_do_you_call_a_vampire_whose_car_breaks_down/
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I like my women how I like my golf score.

In the 80s and with a slight handicap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a11izv/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_golf_score/
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I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around

I felt like I was on The Voice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a11hhh/i_farted_on_the_bus_today_and_4_people_turned/
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My family surprised me with a car for my birthday...

...Good thing they missed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a11evm/my_family_surprised_me_with_a_car_for_my_birthday/
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What's bukkake?

You semen coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a11czv/whats_bukkake/
%
The new LGBT NFL rules are modified from the Traditional NFL

There’s no tight end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a118px/the_new_lgbt_nfl_rules_are_modified_from_the/
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What did the CDC say when our salads got recalled?

Romaine calm. Lettuce take care of this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1189u/what_did_the_cdc_say_when_our_salads_got_recalled/
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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1185u/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
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How do you make a Caesar salad?

You need to make a normal salad then stab it with a salad fork 23 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a114uq/how_do_you_make_a_caesar_salad/
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Today at my appointment the Doctor stuck his finger up my ass, then grabbed my balls & told me to cough.

I really need to find a better psychiatrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a11300/today_at_my_appointment_the_doctor_stuck_his/
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A couple is married for many years...

They have 4 children, the older 3 are all really good looking, but the youngest one is really ugly.  On his deathbed, the man says to his wife “There’s something I have to ask you. It doesn’t matter if you say “yes” or “no” because we’ve had so many wonderful years together and nothing could change that. I’ve always suspected our last child isn’t mine. Please tell me the truth.. is he mine?”  The wife says to her dying husband “yes honey, he is really your child”. Immediately after she answers, the husband dies. The wife looks over to the doctor standing in the room and says “thank goodness he didn’t ask about the first three”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a112oi/a_couple_is_married_for_many_years/
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i would fuck you in the ear

but you'd hear me coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a110ta/i_would_fuck_you_in_the_ear/
%
Always remember that money cannot buy you love

It can, however, buy you a mansion, a yacht, a nice suit, and a fancy European sports car. After that, you'll be beating love off with a stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a10yq4/always_remember_that_money_cannot_buy_you_love/
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A frayed knot

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender yells, "Hey, we don't serve your kind in here, Get out!" The strings get up and walk out. One of the strings gets on the ground and rolls around and then ties himself in a knot. The other string says, "What are you doing?" He replies, "Just do what I did and follow me back into the bar. They both walk back into the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you those two strings that I just kicked out of here?" One string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a10y6w/a_frayed_knot/
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There is a therapy group at school for kids who are bullied.

I’m helping new members join

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a10wy4/there_is_a_therapy_group_at_school_for_kids_who/
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A man came home from work one afternoon.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I’m the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious desert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The fucking funeral director would be my first guess!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a10wrq/a_man_came_home_from_work_one_afternoon/
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I like my women like I like my Mario games

2 dimensional

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a10pvr/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_mario_games/
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Gay people find everything hilarious

They just don't seem to be able to keep a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a10p4x/gay_people_find_everything_hilarious/
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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. Because we are efficient but have no sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a10ij6/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What do you call alphabet soup with only I, V, X, L, C, D, and M?

Ramen Numerals!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a10iar/what_do_you_call_alphabet_soup_with_only_i_v_x_l/
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Whats the difference between herpes and children.

She didn't let me keep the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a10i7j/whats_the_difference_between_herpes_and_children/
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Date: What do you do?

Me: [holds up menu] you just choose a meal from this book of food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a10hir/date_what_do_you_do/
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How do you know when a child is too old to be breastfed?

When he says "Next time wear something nice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a10f5s/how_do_you_know_when_a_child_is_too_old_to_be/
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A blonde walks into a thrift store

And says to the clerk, "I'd like to buy that tv right there." The clerk says "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The blonde grunts, and then walks out. She comes back a week later with a red wig on and says "I'd like to buy that tv right there." The clerk says once again, "Sorry, but we don't sell to blondes." The blonde, frustrated, walks out of the store. Another week goes by and the blonde walks back into the store but this time with a brunette wig on, and says "I'd like to buy that tv." The clerk, for the third time says "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." She says "I don't get it! How do you know I'm blonde with this wig on?" The clerk says "because that's not a tv, it's a microwave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a10efg/a_blonde_walks_into_a_thrift_store/
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Where is the safest place to be shopping during an earthquake?

A stationary store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a10bjp/where_is_the_safest_place_to_be_shopping_during/
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A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"

The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a109ya/a_boy_scout_says_to_his_scout_leader_sir_is_this/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone reposted my content

I'd be broke because my posts aren't good enough to be reposted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1085z/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_reposted/
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He always writes these things on Fridays...

My neighbors journal says I have “Boundary Issues”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1083p/he_always_writes_these_things_on_fridays/
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The performed surgery on a grape but it died

Next, they're going to try raisin it from the dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a107nr/the_performed_surgery_on_a_grape_but_it_died/
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[NSFW] If I had a dollar for every suicidal thought I’ve had...

I would have enough for professional help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a10783/nsfw_if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_suicidal_thought/
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What do you call spaghetti you have acquired?

Spaghotti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a106ic/what_do_you_call_spaghetti_you_have_acquired/
%
High school is like fortnite.

Full of virgins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a100r1/high_school_is_like_fortnite/
%
With a 25 year sentence over his head, tekashi has only a few days to make a final song. [NSFW]

Prison iffy,
Cellmate's got a stiffy uh,
My butthole rippy,
His cum is really drippy uh,
Prison's shitty,
Shoulda been a crippy uh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a1001g/with_a_25_year_sentence_over_his_head_tekashi_has/
%
For 20 years a couple has always had sex in the dark.

One night the wife's curiosity gets the best of her so she turns the light on and discovers her husband is using a dildo.
"Explain the dildo!" the wife demands.
The husband looks at her and responds "explain the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0zzkh/for_20_years_a_couple_has_always_had_sex_in_the/
%
Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0zzhd/virginity_in_school/
%
A college advertising lecture is taking place. The speaker is presenting his anti-drug PSA.

He says:
- I am the author of a simple, yet effective campaign against drug use.
He shows the poster he designed. It shows two circles, one big and the other small. The big one is titled "This Is Your Brain", the small one is titled "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". The speaker says:
- Areas in which my campaign was used had a reduction of drug use of up to 10% over the first campaign month.
A student rises up and says:
- I can do better.
The lecturer says:
- Well, make your campaign, and if you succeed, come to my house and tell me.
A month later, the student visits that lecturer, together with his local police chief. The chief says:
- This young man created an anti-drug campaign that decreased drug use in our area by over 50%.
The advertiser asks:
- Really? Can I see it?
The police chief confirms the campaign's effectiveness and shows a poster with two circles, one small and the other big. The first one is titled 'This Is Your Butthole", the other is titled "This Is Your Butthole After You Get Jailed For Drugs".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0zz36/a_college_advertising_lecture_is_taking_place_the/
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What’s the most confused animal in the jungle?

Polar bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0zymg/whats_the_most_confused_animal_in_the_jungle/
%
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"5,000$" she replies.
"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs."
He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"
"15,000$" she replies.
"15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts
"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs."
"Fine, how can i say no?"
Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"
"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.
"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.
"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0zylc/a_man_is_walking_the_las_vegas_strip_and_runs/
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My wife just told me she was pregnant...

True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke:
"Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad."
Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0zu3v/my_wife_just_told_me_she_was_pregnant/
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I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0zto6/im_banned_for_life_from_acting_in_our_production/
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I got a job offer at Pepsi today!

I just hope they don’t drug test me and find Coke in my system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0zc7r/i_got_a_job_offer_at_pepsi_today/
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A naked man is walking through the streets in the middle of the night with nothing but cowboy boots on...

The local sheriff pulls up in his cop car.
‘’Sir, what are you doing?!’’ The cop says
‘’Well officer’’ replies the man ‘I met this sweet old lady at the bar earlier and she bought be a drink, we talked for a little bit, she told me to order another drink on her tab, so I did, she started rubbing my leg and told men to order another drink, so I did, we started dancing and she told me to order another drink, so I did then she told me to kiss her, so I did, then she told me to come back to her place, so I did, then she took off her clothes, then she told me to take off my clothes, so I did, then she laid back with her breast in the air and her legs spread open wide and said “go to town cowboy!” So I did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0z8hx/a_naked_man_is_walking_through_the_streets_in_the/
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Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving

He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name.
“What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated.
“You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.”
“Really? It’s that easy?”
“Yeah you just have to fill out some paperwork.” I paused. “I can drive you if you want.”
“Thanks dude. What would I even change my name to though?”
“How about something common that holds on to your roots? Something like Lee.”
“Lee. I like it.”
Unfortunately, Ling had overheard our talk and launched into a tirade about how his name had been in the family for generations and he couldn’t just throw away his heritage like that. Ving was set though. The next day, we drove to city hall. Ling insisted on coming along, hoping to convince Ving to change his mind. She complained the entire way. Ving wasn’t deterred though. We finally got to city hall and got the paperwork. As he was filling it out, Ving’s face changed.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “You’ve been excited all day and yesterday for this.”
“I know, I know. It’s just— it’s my dad’s name too. I don’t know.” Ving sighed. “I don’t think I can go through with it.”
Ling looked relieved. The receptionist noted that there was a small cancellation fee. Ling happily took out some money. Suddenly, an Asian man in Ray-Bans, neon shorts, and an American flag T-shirt bursted through the doors.
“Dad!” Ving, tears streaming down his face, ran to embrace his father. Ving Sr. smiled at his son.
“Don’t stop. Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee Ling.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0z4s6/back_in_high_school_i_had_a_friend_named_ving/
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Why do you so rarely see a mom or dad who went through a sex change?

...because they are transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ytrb/why_do_you_so_rarely_see_a_mom_or_dad_who_went/
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Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?

So they could see the battlefield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ytbf/why_do_french_tanks_have_rearview_mirrors/
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What do you call a snail on a ship

A Snailor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0yr78/what_do_you_call_a_snail_on_a_ship/
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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. ”
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon …. Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
“Pepe… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis MI amigo… What ees it? ”
“Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees a ham bush….”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ymgd/two_mexicans_are_stuck_in_the_desert_after/
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It's so cold outside

I saw a politician walk by with his hands in his own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0yk6h/its_so_cold_outside/
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I was on shift at Popeye's when a woman approached my cash register and whispered in a very sexy raspy voice,"I want you to choke me."

I was locked in her lustful gaze and I replied...
"biscuits with no drink then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0yity/i_was_on_shift_at_popeyes_when_a_woman_approached/
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I think I’ve been hacked by Russia



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0yigr/i_think_ive_been_hacked_by_russia/
%
Did you know a hamsters anus can stretch twice the width of its own body size?

Once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ygvm/did_you_know_a_hamsters_anus_can_stretch_twice/
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I'm a slut for water. In other words you could call me...

a H₂hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ygth/im_a_slut_for_water_in_other_words_you_could_call/
%
I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad at me.

I told them it’s not my fault you don’t have windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0yeji/i_farted_in_an_apple_store_and_everyone_got_mad/
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Met a girl in a pub, she said "come outside and I'll show you a good time". I went with her and...

... she ran 100 metres in 9.98 seconds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0yb67/met_a_girl_in_a_pub_she_said_come_outside_and_ill/
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Why was the Asian father disappointed with their newborn child?

He found out their blood type is A-.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0y97d/why_was_the_asian_father_disappointed_with_their/
%
Shiny shoes

A man buys shoes that shine like a mirror and goes dancing at a club. To impress women, he bets them that he can guess their favorite color. When he begins dancing with the first woman, he tells that her favorite color is red. He dances with a second woman and tells her favorite color is blue. The women are astonished. When he begins dancing with the third women, he seems perplexed as he stares at his shoes. He looks up and asks the woman is she wearing any panties, to which she replies "no, why?" , and he says " Oh,good, I thought I had a crack on my new shoes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0y3ka/shiny_shoes/
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Handy joke I heard from my Uber driver

An old man lived in a nursing home and he was very depressed. Eventually his nurse asked, "why are you so depressed all the time?" He answered, "I miss sex." She replied, "you're 92 years old, you can't even get hard!"
She felt bad for him and asked if there was anything she could do and he asked, "would you just hold it for me?" She did. Day after day during she would hold his dick and it made him feel better.
One day she couldn't find him. She looked and looked and finally she found him outside with some other woman holding his dick. She said, "You prick! You found someone else? What does she have that I don't?!"
He lifts his hands in the air, shakes them and yells, "Parkinson's!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0y0i8/handy_joke_i_heard_from_my_uber_driver/
%
A penguin’s car breaks down in a small town.

Luckily he breaks down near a garage so he walks in and ask the mechanic to take a look.  The mechanic says he can take a look in about an hour and suggests the penguin hang out in the local Dairy Queen to kill some time.
The penguin walks over and orders a large waffle cone and starts to eat it. As it is large and the penguin only has flippers he kind of makes a mess of himself.  He takes what’s left of the cone and walks back to the garage where he sees the mechanic bent over the engine.
Seeing the penguin out of the corner of his eye the mechanic says, “Well sir, it looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
“Nah,” the penguin replies, “I’m just eating ice cream. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0xynm/a_penguins_car_breaks_down_in_a_small_town/
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Two men are walking when one suddenly stumbles.

Man 2: That was a nasty fall, are you alright?
Man 1: Oh no, I'm just looking for something I lost.
Man 2: What did you lose?
Man 1: My balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0xr0q/two_men_are_walking_when_one_suddenly_stumbles/
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If you want something said, ask a woman. If you want something done, ask a man.

If you want absolutely nothing said or done, ask a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0xp4x/if_you_want_something_said_ask_a_woman_if_you/
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A Radio talkshow have a competition for a new word....

As the show goes on there’s a few entries but nothing decent until a man called John dials in with his suggestion
Presenter : Hi John let’s hear what your suggestion is
John : My word is Goan
Presenter : Okay John can you use it in a sentence
John : Goan fuck your self
- Presenter cuts the line and apologises -
A few minutes later John dials back in off another phone to suggest another word...
John : My word is Smee
Presenter : Okay, can you use this in a sentence
John : Smee again Goan fuck yourself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0xomo/a_radio_talkshow_have_a_competition_for_a_new_word/
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A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0xmqc/a_blonde_colors_her_hair_red_and_moves_countryside/
%
You know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0xlrr/you_know_what_really_makes_me_smile/
%
TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up

Without looking really dumb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0xhan/til_it_is_impossible_to_stick_out_your_tongue/
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What do you call a mural of a giraffe in the street?

Giraffiti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0xdsm/what_do_you_call_a_mural_of_a_giraffe_in_the/
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What did the grape say when they did surgery on it?

Nothing - it just gave out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0x5nj/what_did_the_grape_say_when_they_did_surgery_on_it/
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So Jane walks into a clearing...

And sees Tarzan going at it with a log. She watches for a couple of minutes, getting real aroused by the raw sensuality an passion. She decided that Tarzan deserved better.
She quickly undressed and called out to Tarzan: “wouldn’t you like to do it with me instead of the log?” Tarzan looks at her, grins widely and nods. “Well, come on then.“
Tarzan takes a couple of steps back, runs up and plants a solid kick in her crotch. After a couple of excruciatingly painful minutes, she gasps out: “why did you do that?”
Tarzan beams proudly and says: “Tarzan always check for squirrels.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0x2f0/so_jane_walks_into_a_clearing/
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I called 999

They answered whats the emergency? I said "there are two girls fighting over me! " they said I can't see how that's an emergency I said "The fat one's winning".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0x1wg/i_called_999/
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hey guys isn't a royal flush when you take a dump in a castle?

sorry for the shitty joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0wyx6/hey_guys_isnt_a_royal_flush_when_you_take_a_dump/
%
If you have somnambulism, walking comes easy.

You could do it in your sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0wx2d/if_you_have_somnambulism_walking_comes_easy/
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I added Paul Walker on Xbox yesterday...

But he spends all his time on the dashboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0wsw5/i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox_yesterday/
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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.
They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the doctors and nurses rushed to save Baby Carrot's life. They watched as Baby Carrot was carted away into surgery .
After waiting for hours, a doctor came to find Momma and Daddy Carrot. The Carrot parents nervously await for the doctor to tell them the conditions of their child.
The doctor said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Baby Carrot is going to live. We were able to save him."
Through grateful tears Mama Carrot says, "That's wonderful but what is the bad news?"
"Well, he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life, " replied the doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0wod4/a_family_of_carrots_mama_carrot_daddy_carrot_and/
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What do Valve games and unvaccinated children have in common?

They never reach 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0wo1c/what_do_valve_games_and_unvaccinated_children/
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Want to know why I always wear my Seahawks Jersey when I take a test?

It's so I'll pass, even when I shouldn't!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0wg40/want_to_know_why_i_always_wear_my_seahawks_jersey/
%
What drink does Kings and Queens enjoy?

Royal-Tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0w93r/what_drink_does_kings_and_queens_enjoy/
%
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero...

The Invisible man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0w8tu/as_a_child_i_always_thought_of_my_dad_as_a/
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An expecting father

John was always a loving husband. For years he was constantly on beck and call. He never strayed from his wife Marla and Marla adored John. For years and years John and Marla attempted to have children. They went to fertility clinics, they sought guidance from multiple specialists, and even tried alternative medicine to no avail.
After multiple years of trying, planning,  fighting,  and crying,  the unimaginable happened. Marla was pregnant!
Marla had horrible morning sickness, for weeks on end she would be bed ridden and forced to try to retain what food and liquids she could. Eventually this phase passed as the weeks went by and the bond between Marla and John grew stronger. John would jokingly scold Marla for the extra cup of coffee she occasionally had. Marla would make John run food errands at all times of the night for various delicacies that their little one craved. The night John went to the bodega to pickup bubble gum ice cream he got a call from Marla
"Honey, something's not right. I think my water broke but there is blood and he isn't supposed to be here for another 6 weeks!"
John rushed back home and as fast as he could, delivered his wife to the hospital. Marla was in labor for what seemed like and eternity. John was sitting in the waiting room and at the top of the fifth hour the doctor appeared with a crying little boy. The doctor looked at John somberly, handed the little boy to John, and said "I'm sorry.  Your wife didn't make it."
John handed the little boy back and said angrily "Well, go get me the one she did make."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0w83e/an_expecting_father/
%
I’ve been getting busy with a new girlfriend recently. I’m very relieved she finds the quality of the sex adequate despite the bend I’ve developed in my penis.

I know because I asked her. She said “Weird flex but okay.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0w7qd/ive_been_getting_busy_with_a_new_girlfriend/
%
Did you know French tanks have 7 gears?

One forward and 6 reverse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0w6xn/did_you_know_french_tanks_have_7_gears/
%
What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0w67x/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
%
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0w3d2/my_first_dad_joke_wife_was_breastfeeding/
%
I was so angry the doctor messed up my lobotomy.

I gave him a piece of my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0vsky/i_was_so_angry_the_doctor_messed_up_my_lobotomy/
%
What was left in CVS after the Detroit riots?

Condoms and father day cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0vrch/what_was_left_in_cvs_after_the_detroit_riots/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

it doesn't last long if you're fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0vpmc/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
In a job interview I said, "Last week I only killed 33 people on Call of Duty. Just last night I killed 72."

"What...does that have to do with anything?" asked the guy.
I said, "Well, you asked me if I value progression."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0vjl9/in_a_job_interview_i_said_last_week_i_only_killed/
%
My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina
The operation was a success
Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0veze/my_mate_needed_a_bone_marrow_transplant/
%
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar

Bartender looks at them and says : Is this a joke ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0v9n0/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_walk_into_a_bar/
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I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0v9d1/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_98/
%
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive.

They eventually would.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0v5ez/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_a_girl_found_me/
%
Whats your favorite kind of grape ?

Gangrape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0v1xg/whats_your_favorite_kind_of_grape/
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Bikers at the bridge

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about  to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,  "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a head job?"
So, she obliges.
After she's finished, the  biker says, "Wow! That was the best head I have ever had. That's a real  talent you are wasting. You could be  famous........... Why are you  committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0uybr/bikers_at_the_bridge/
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How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0uxtp/how_many_dead_prostitutes_does_it_take_to_change/
%
What is Neil Armstrong's favorite key on the keyboard?

The SPACE BAR of course!!!!
My ten year old came up with that doozy :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0uxl8/what_is_neil_armstrongs_favorite_key_on_the/
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Being direct

A horny midget (dwarf, little person, vertically challenged person or whatever the PC correct term is) was at a party and he'd found that the best way to make time with women was to  be direct about it.
So he went up to the tallest, blondest , most beautiful woman at the party and said, "Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?"
She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ux21/being_direct/
%
Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ux05/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
%
My grandfather works with a couple of hypochondriacs

Sometimes he will make up a fake illness to see how long it takes them to catch it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0uv8q/my_grandfather_works_with_a_couple_of/
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Powerful medicine

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on  a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to  the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his
shoulder, warned,
'This is a powerful  medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then
say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged.  As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How
do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he  responded, "but when she does,
the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,  " 1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our  sentences
with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling
participle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ut6p/powerful_medicine/
%
Beat that

Three girls are quarreling about what their brothers are capable of doing and one girl says,"My brother can stay under water for 10 minutes."
With a wry smile another girl says,"My brother knows yoga and he can stay under water for 30 minutes!"
The third girl blurts out, "That's all?"
The two girl frown.
"My brother's been under water for 5 months and hasn't returned yet. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0up4f/beat_that/
%
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger...

then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0um8m/i_wondered_why_the_frisbee_was_getting_bigger/
%
An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce... (2 part joke)

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout, "I would like to buy half a head of lettuce."  The young man says, "I'm sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce."  The old woman says, "Well you see I'm old, and I don't eat very much, and so when I buy a whole head of lettuce, the other half usually goes to waste.  Would you ask your supervisor if there is something he could do?"  The young man, rolls his eyes, lets out a sigh, and walks into his supervisors office.  "Hey, some dumb old hag wants to buy half a head of lettuce..."  His supervisor looks up from his desk and is shocked to see the elderly woman had followed the young man.  She's right behind him at the door and heard what he said.  The young man turns around, sees her, realizing his mistake blurts out, "But this beautiful young lady would like to buy the other half of that head of lettuce, so it works out, right?"
Everything is worked out, the elderly woman leaves happily, and the supervisor says, "That was close.  You're pretty quick on your feet.  Where you from?"  The young man says, "Oh, me? I'm from Canada, but I left because it's just filled with hockey players and prostitutes."  The supervisor, crosses his arms and says, "Hey, my wife is from Canada!"  The young man responds, "Oh that's wonderful... what team does she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ulhw/an_elderly_woman_wants_half_a_head_of_lettuce_2/
%
What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ulaz/what_is_the_difference_between_acne_and_a/
%
How is pubic hair like parsley?

You push it to the side before you start eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ukrg/how_is_pubic_hair_like_parsley/
%
If your plane has a woman pilot....

Is it still called a cock pit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0uhsg/if_your_plane_has_a_woman_pilot/
%
I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,

"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?"
She said, "Do you like sex?"
I said, "Of course I like sex."
She said, "Do you like to travel?"
I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."
She said, "Then fuck off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0udz8/i_walked_up_to_a_fit_girl_at_a_bar_the_other/
%
Did you know about that samurai who committed harakiri ?

He had no guts ....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0udeu/did_you_know_about_that_samurai_who_committed/
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A man has been arrested after trying to rob a bank using underpants as a mask

The police managed to arrest him after a quick debriefing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ub7o/a_man_has_been_arrested_after_trying_to_rob_a/
%
Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?

Me: No, I’m sure most of them smell that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0u5r4/her_do_you_think_our_kids_are_spoiled/
%
A sea lion is just a regular seal

... missing an electron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0tzd7/a_sea_lion_is_just_a_regular_seal/
%
What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

Does this genes make me look fat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0trxb/what_did_the_dna_say_to_the_other_dna/
%
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

Your wife has to chew before she swallows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0tqix/how_do_you_know_if_you_have_a_high_sperm_count/
%
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0to0m/a_lady_had_lost_her_husband_almost_four_years_ago/
%
It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0tnmc/its_a_sin_to_burn_the_bible_and_inject_the_ash/
%
If i had a dollar for every time Donald Trump said something dumb,

I probably wouldn’t pay my taxes either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0tmad/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_donald_trump/
%
Why didn't the Germans have any cakes at Christmas

Because they were all stollen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0tm9s/why_didnt_the_germans_have_any_cakes_at_christmas/
%
When a guy says "I'm Fine"

what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0tlhu/when_a_guy_says_im_fine/
%
My sandal invention for people with one leg

turned out to be a flop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0tldg/my_sandal_invention_for_people_with_one_leg/
%
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today...

I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0tikj/the_wife_asked_if_she_could_wear_one_of_my_wife/
%
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now what the fuck would you say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0taxf/a_farmer_named_clyde_had_a_car_accident/
%
A man walks into a Buddhist monastery famous for their meals.

He goes in, and asks for the meal that the wealthiest people love, figuring that must be the best there. The head monk sadly inform him that they do not have the key ingredient, and that due to a religious vow they took, they cannot leave the monastery. Luckily, they tell him that if he can get the key ingredient, a rare plant called the jit, they can cook it.
Encouraged, the man sets out on the journey of a lifetime, determined to find the jit plant. He searches everywhere, the darkest caves, the deepest oceans and the highest mountains. Eventually, years later he finds a small shop hidden in an alleyway of a tiny town that sells the jit plant.
With the key ingredient on him, he sets back off to the Buddhist monastery ready to try the dish that the wealthy and elite live.
When he gets there, he gives the head monk the plant and bows. The monk bows back and heads off to prepare the dish. An hour later the monk returns with a small ornate pie, decorated with pastry swirls. He gives it to the man and steps back to watch the mans reaction.
The man eagerly takes a bite but is horrified when it tastes like shit. Disgusted, he asked the monk why it tastes so bad.
The monk calmly replies; "Of course. Only the rich and wealthy like A jit pie"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0t9x6/a_man_walks_into_a_buddhist_monastery_famous_for/
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I saw my neighbour talking to her cat

Clearly she thought It could understand her, I went home and told my Dog. We had a good laugh!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0t9pt/i_saw_my_neighbour_talking_to_her_cat/
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My friend tried to tell me Uranus is pronounced 'Your Anus'. I scoffed at him and simply said....

M'ars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0szc9/my_friend_tried_to_tell_me_uranus_is_pronounced/
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Got a message in a bottle from the river today

It was  current news

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0sxtt/got_a_message_in_a_bottle_from_the_river_today/
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The average temperature outside Motown Records is

3 Degrees, 4 Tops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0sxn1/the_average_temperature_outside_motown_records_is/
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A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital

, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0svuk/a_grape_wakes_up_in_an_australian_hospital/
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My chemistry teacher threw Sodium Chloride at me.

She got arrested, since that's a salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0sv3e/my_chemistry_teacher_threw_sodium_chloride_at_me/
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What's the difference between a 1000 degree knife and a feminist?

The knife is hot and has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0stto/whats_the_difference_between_a_1000_degree_knife/
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Yesterday, I got one of those extremely authentic, hyper-realistic sex dolls- and she’s so life-like it’s almost eerie!

For instance, as soon as I got her home last night she told me we should just be friends...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0sptq/yesterday_i_got_one_of_those_extremely_authentic/
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Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.

They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?"
The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi."
"Very good," says God. "You will sit at my left side."
God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?"
The second dog responds, "I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber."
God smiles and nods. "Very good. You will sit at my right side."
God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, "What did you --"
The cat interrupts, "You're in my chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0slld/two_dogs_and_a_cat_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."
When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the contest for the best toast of the night," he replied.
She then asked what his toast was. He said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church with me wife." "How sweet of you to include me in your toast," his wife replied.
While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.
"Mornin' Mrs. Murphy," he said. "That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize."
"Well, I'm afraid he wasn't quite honest with the facts," Mrs. Murphy replied. "He's only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0sl9k/a_contest_was_held_to_see_who_could_deliver_the/
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How do you figure out an ant's gender

Throw them in water.
The one's that sink are girl ants.
The one's that float are buoyants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0skey/how_do_you_figure_out_an_ants_gender/
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I'm finally over my Thanksgiving leftovers addiction.

It wasn't easy to quit cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0shpn/im_finally_over_my_thanksgiving_leftovers/
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Guys, today I finally mustered up all my courage to lick my girlfriends pussy...

I’m still bleeding from where it scratched me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0sear/guys_today_i_finally_mustered_up_all_my_courage/
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Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He spent the whole night awake wondering whether or not there was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0s7ug/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic/
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Will Glass Coffins become popular?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0s7ix/will_glass_coffins_become_popular/
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Saudi Arabia is on the UN Human Rights Committee.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0s7g3/saudi_arabia_is_on_the_un_human_rights_committee/
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If you think about it, therapists and executioners have the same job.

Both of them really take a weight off your shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0s701/if_you_think_about_it_therapists_and_executioners/
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What's that thing you eat with a hammer?

Gwhack-a-moley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0s6kw/whats_that_thing_you_eat_with_a_hammer/
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I've just walked past our local community centre and I could clearly hear these board-game enthusiasts...

...all stood in the porchway bragging endlessly about their various tournament accomplishments.
You might think that sounds like it would have been pretty annoying for me, but infact...
I rather like the sound of chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0s535/ive_just_walked_past_our_local_community_centre/
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My name's Al, so some of my friends like to call me Al-zheimer's.

I forget why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0s34o/my_names_al_so_some_of_my_friends_like_to_call_me/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0rwo9/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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Wanna hear a magical joke?

Sorry it's just vanished from my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0rsdx/wanna_hear_a_magical_joke/
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What does Fallout 76 and gold plated velcro have in common?

They’re both $70 rip off’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0rlna/what_does_fallout_76_and_gold_plated_velcro_have/
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There are 10 types of people in these world

Those who understand binary, those who don’t
And those who didn’t expect this joke to be in base 3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0rjkt/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_these_world/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph...
Because he's not a full essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0rir0/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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My wife told me she wanted to be cremated.

So I made her a rush appointment for tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ri9r/my_wife_told_me_she_wanted_to_be_cremated/
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What does a mechanic do in a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0r2i0/what_does_a_mechanic_do_in_a_one_night_stand/
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Little Johnny and his duck

Little Johnny’s father told him to go and sell one of their ducks to the local market for as much money as possible
When little Johnny got there he saw the most attractive girl he could imagine.
He walked right up to the girl trying to sell the duck when the girl eventually asked “have you every been with a girl before?”
Little Johnny said “We’ll no, no I haven’t”  the girl said “If you give me that duck, we can have sex”
Little Johnny being the excited boy he was, gladly took the offer.  So they went behind the bushes nearby and had sex.
The girl said “wow that was amazing.  You know what, I’ll give you 10 bucks and your duck if we can do that again.”  Little Johnny said “well ok” and they went behind the same bushes and had sex again
Little Johnny was on his way home with his duck and 10 bucks after the ordeal when the duck suddenly slipped out of his hands and a trucker on the road that Johnny was walking besides  hit the duck.
The trucker got out and apologized to little Johnny and sympathetically gave him 25 buck.
When little Johnny returned home to his father, he asked Johnny how he had gotten all that money
“Well” little Johnny said “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 bucks for a fucked up duck”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0r1gy/little_johnny_and_his_duck/
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An old piece of rope walks into a bar..

After a rough day out at sea, salt in his cords, and some loose strands hanging out of his britches, he walks up to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks him, "You got money to pay for that drink?"
He replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0qunu/an_old_piece_of_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
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In high school, a classmate once told me that you can go blind if you masturbate.

I never saw her again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0qt7v/in_high_school_a_classmate_once_told_me_that_you/
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Snow Plow

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.  She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.  She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.  Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.
She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0qkz1/snow_plow/
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Miracles revisited

So Jesus and Moses are standing on the shore of the red sea one day. They're talking and Jesus says, "Let's see if we can still do the old miracles?"
So Moses steps up the Red Sea and slams his staff on the ground and claps his hands together and starts to slowly spread them, the sea follows suit. He then drops his hands and the water drops back down. Moses exclaims while panting, "Ha! Still got it!"
So Jesus let's the water calm down and then starts to walk out on the sea and gets about 15 feet out and just drops into the sea. He swims back to shore and goes, " I don't get it, it worked last time and you were able to do yours."
Moses replies while pointing down, "Well last time you didn't have holes in your feet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0qk2j/miracles_revisited/
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Do you have what it takes?

The CIA had an open position for a true loyal agent who would follow orders without  question. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle her to death'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0qiti/do_you_have_what_it_takes/
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Did you hear about the Blonde who tried to commit suicide in her garage by leaving her car on?

She owned a Tesla

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0qi5g/did_you_hear_about_the_blonde_who_tried_to_commit/
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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0qhjp/two_canadians_die_and_end_up_in_hell/
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California follows the Bible better than any other state.

Our gays get stoned daily.
(ps. didn't know if the nsfw tag was needed, but better safe than sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0qh3g/california_follows_the_bible_better_than_any/
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Be careful if you use a public toilet, scientists have recently discovered a new type of bacteria that can swim upstream.

Salmonella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0qff3/be_careful_if_you_use_a_public_toilet_scientists/
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Why did Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she could moan with the other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0qf9g/why_did_hellen_keller_masturbate_with_one_hand/
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A recently widowed Jewish lady named Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book...

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you." he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year." he replied and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in the next town." he answered and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most torrid fuck of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0qd64/a_recently_widowed_jewish_lady_named_sarah_was/
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The child and his mother

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0qc42/the_child_and_his_mother/
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day...

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Thank you u/etherpromo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0qa5x/three_men_were_standing_in_line_to_get_into/
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TIFU by walking in on my roommate jerking off

Our eyes locked as I opened the front door. He seemed really embarrassed and then he spoke.
"Why are you masturbating?," he asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0q6rr/tifu_by_walking_in_on_my_roommate_jerking_off/
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An American goes on a vacation to Mexico.

After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?”
The waiter replied, ” Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish. But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter replied, ” Si, senor, sometimes the bull wins.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0pzzz/an_american_goes_on_a_vacation_to_mexico/
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How does Han Solo like his steak?

A bit chewie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0pzbp/how_does_han_solo_like_his_steak/
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So there was this society where everybody was born really weak.

The more wealth you had, either through actual money or possessions, the more you would reach your maximum power percentage. Most people had around a 50% power percentage, parents would give some of their belongings to their kids at birth so they would be strong enough to walk, but people who went above that 50%, would have extreme strength, and people would often compete to see who could have the most, but no one had ever gotten to 100% power percentage.
So there was this guy named Lort Bumblethorn, and he was renowned for getting to 99% power percentage, but he got in some financial trouble, sold a house, and went back to around 95%, never reaching back to his record.
Eventually, Lort settled down, and had two kids, the youngest named Sort. Sort was inspired by his father, and believed he could reach 100% power percentage. He had massive success in his career, getting to 90% power, but sadly, his father passed away, which demoralized Sort.
One day, as it looked as if his dream was basically gone, he was in a shop, when an old man approached him, "Excuse me, are you Lort Bumblethorn?"
"No," replied Sort, "I'm Sort, his son. No autographs please."
"No, no, I was a good friend of your fathers", he reached into his pocket and pulled out a bronze rod, "this was what your father was trying to use to get to 100% power, he gave it to me for safekeeping, it can only be used by a Bumblethorn, it is called the Kneeoo, and it will get you to 100% power. I'll sell it to you for only $10.00"
"That's a nice story, but I know you're a scammer, get out of my presence."
"No," pleaded the old man, "please."
Suddenly, there was a shimmer of light behind Sort, he turned around, and there was an apparition of his father, the one, the only, Lort Bumblethorn, and he spoke out to his son.
"**Sort, buy Kneeoo, it will make your PP very big."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0pw7s/so_there_was_this_society_where_everybody_was/
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(Q).... What do the top r/funny posts & gun ownership have in common?

(A).... Americans get it.....the rest of us *don't*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0pqxw/q_what_do_the_top_rfunny_posts_gun_ownership_have/
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I asked my aging Father why he doesn’t have life insurance.

“Because Son, I want you to be truly sad when I die.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ppo1/i_asked_my_aging_father_why_he_doesnt_have_life/
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A spider is the only web developer

that is happy to find bugs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ppmv/a_spider_is_the_only_web_developer/
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Someone once asked me to describe my sex life using an analogy. I compared it to an amoeba.

Because I reproduce alone :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0pnej/someone_once_asked_me_to_describe_my_sex_life/
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A frog walks into a bank to apply for a loan

He addresses the teller by the name on her name badge and says "excuse me, Ms. Whack. I need a loan."
She says "Holy shit, a talking frog!"
"Actually my name is Kermit. And I need a loan."
"You're Kermit the frog?"
"No but I was named after him. My dad is Mick Jagger. He thought the name was clever."
"Well Mr. Kermit Jagger, what assets do you have to offer as collateral?"
He pulls a tiny pink elephant figurine out of his pocket and offers it to the teller. Confused, she takes the figurine and says to the frog,
"I'll have to speak to the manager about this."
She walks into the manager's office and tells him the whole situation. She finishes her story, holding out the pink elephant, exclaiming,
"And he gave me this as collateral! I don't even know what this thing is!"
The manager replies,
"It's a knick knack, Patty Whack! Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0pna1/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank_to_apply_for_a_loan/
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I went to Alabama

I was passing through Alabama and there was a sign that said "birth place of Hellen Keller". Wouldn't you know it there was nothing to see down there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0pgl3/i_went_to_alabama/
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A very arrogant man walks into a restaurant...

A very arrogant man walks into a restaurant. The waiter approaches him with the menu and the arrogant man exclaims: "You are giving ME a menu?! Please man, I know it all, just bring me a fork from the kitchen."
The waiter quickly goes into the kitchen and comes back with a fork, handing it to the man. The man smells the fork and says: "WOW, you have prepared a nice Crispy Panko Shrimp Salad with Walnuts tonight! I'll take that".
After eating the salad the waiter approaches him again, asking what he would like for his main dish. The man arrogantly responds: "Just bring me a knife from the kitchen". The waiter goes in and fetches a knife, hands it to the man who smells it and says: "Wow, I can smell you have prepared a nice Skillet Chicken Bulgogi with Mushrooms, bring that to me". The waiter's patience is wearing thin, but without complaints he brings the man his food.
Finally, for desert, the same thing happens again and the arrogant man tells the waiter to go fetch him a spoon from the kitchen. The waiter has really had it by now, and he really can't stand the man's arrogance anymore, so he goes inside the kitchen, grabs a spoon and tells one of the waitresses to rub her crotch with it.
The waiter goes out the kitchen and walks up to the man's table, handing him the spoon. The man smells it, waits a second, smells it again and finally exclaims:
"Hey! I had no idea Susan worked here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0pg2y/a_very_arrogant_man_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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I had a crazy dream

I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0pfyy/i_had_a_crazy_dream/
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What does a gay evolutionist get when he's horny?

A Homo Erectus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0pbve/what_does_a_gay_evolutionist_get_when_hes_horny/
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Found this and thought I should share

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0p8z6/found_this_and_thought_i_should_share/
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What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed it’s tooth?

The dentist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0p7sy/what_did_the_polar_bear_eat_after_the_dentist/
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I walked up to a girl in a bar and said

"You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best shag ever."
She said, "My boyfriend is right behind you."
"Good, I'm glad I've got his support."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0p459/i_walked_up_to_a_girl_in_a_bar_and_said/
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A pimp is on the streets trying to pimp out his ladies...

There is one of his ladies in particular who is worried she won't be able to pay her bills and the pimp is also worried for her. So he decides to fancy her up in this beautiful dress and personally take her onto the streets to try to get her a customer. After hours of spruiking to potential customers about the dire needs of this lady and after he relentlessly brings attention to the stunning nature of the dress she has been bedazzled with, the pimp exclaims in disbelief, 'C'mon everybody! This is a damn sell in 'dis dress!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0p3ai/a_pimp_is_on_the_streets_trying_to_pimp_out_his/
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A woman was arrested for beating her husband with a guitar.

“First time offender?” asked the judge. The woman replied, “No, first time a Gibson. Second time a Fender.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0oyo7/a_woman_was_arrested_for_beating_her_husband_with/
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I went up to a girl in the club last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it would look even better on?" "Ha-ha, let me guess..." she sighed. "Your bedroom floor?!"

"No." I replied. "A better looking girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0oraa/i_went_up_to_a_girl_in_the_club_last_night_and/
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A Roman walks into a bar

He holds up 2 fingers and says “five beers, please”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0on90/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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Golf holes.

First joke for me, I first heard it in French and translated it, please be kind.
Joe practices some golf but he is a little wasted and he isn't keeping track of his score. After a few holes, he forgets which one he's actually at so after putting, he asks a lady to please indicate to him what hole he was at, to which she replies: "I am a hole ahead of you, and I am at the 8th so you are at the 7th"
Joe continues to play and drink, and once again forgets where he is at so he asks the same lady again what hole he's at to which she replies: "I am still one hole ahead of you, I'm at the 16th so you are on the 15th"
Joe proceeds to finish his game and goes to have another drink at the terrain's club. He sees the lady once again and they start chatting, he asks her what she does for a living, but she declines to answer because she is afraid Joe will laugh at her, but Joe reassures her and promises he won't laugh...
"Alright" she says, "If you must know, I work in a tampon factory" and Joe is barely able to resist 2 seconds before he bursts out laughing like a man possessed, which prompts the lady to turn her back away leaving in a hurry but Joe catches up to her and says: "I am really sorry madam, but I work in a toilet paper factory so technically you are still one hole ahead of me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0om27/golf_holes/
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Why do birds fly upside down over Alabama?

There is nothing there worth shitting on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0okp8/why_do_birds_fly_upside_down_over_alabama/
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If there was a pill that made you stop procrastinating

I would probably take it tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0oigf/if_there_was_a_pill_that_made_you_stop/
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Helen Keller once described a cheese grater...

...as "the most violent book I've ever read."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0of0z/helen_keller_once_described_a_cheese_grater/
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Why are hair stylists the best psychopaths?

Because they want everybody to dye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0od6s/why_are_hair_stylists_the_best_psychopaths/
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a pig jumped off a plane

he wanted to be ground pork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0o85m/a_pig_jumped_off_a_plane/
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About a wealthy man, his wife and their butler John

Wealthy man and his wife decided to go to a party. They planned on staying there for the night, so they gave the butler a day off.
Sadly, the wife wasn't pleased with the party so she decided to go home. When she arrives, she saw John in the dining room. She took him to the sleeping room, and told him to take off her dress.
John did what she asked for.
She told him to also take off her stockings.
John did it without a word.
Then she told him to take off her bra and panties.
Same as before, John didn't say a word and did what she asked for.
"And now, John", said the woman, "if I see you in my clothes once again, you lose your job, got it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0o7rp/about_a_wealthy_man_his_wife_and_their_butler_john/
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A man goes up to a librarian and says, "Can I have a burger, please?"

"Sir, this is a library."
&nbsp;
^^"Sorry, ^^can ^^I ^^have ^^a ^^burger, ^^please?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0o603/a_man_goes_up_to_a_librarian_and_says_can_i_have/
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How to trash talk but get away with it

Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good! \*Walks away\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0o5e7/how_to_trash_talk_but_get_away_with_it/
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My maths teacher didn't teach us circumference.

She said it was point-less

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0o41l/my_maths_teacher_didnt_teach_us_circumference/
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My grandfather has Alzheimer's so bad

that everytime he farts, he calls the fire department.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0nxoa/my_grandfather_has_alzheimers_so_bad/
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What did the drummer call his two daughters?

Anna one, Anna two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0nqke/what_did_the_drummer_call_his_two_daughters/
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Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0nnbt/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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I have 10 things to say to you...

1. Don't repost this.
2. The number is binary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0nlmg/i_have_10_things_to_say_to_you/
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If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on,

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ng13/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_didnt_understand/
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So an African migrant is strolling down a sidewalk in Nuremberg.

He comes up to the first man he sees and says "Thank you, for allowing me to come to Germany. Thank you for giving me health care, and a place to live, and food to eat."
The man looks at him and says "I'm not German, I'm Albanian."
The African says "Oh, excuse me" and continues walking.
He walks up to a second man and says "Thank you for allowing me to come to Germany as a refugee. It is a truly beautiful country."
The second man looks at him and says "I'm not German, I'm Turkish."
The African goes "Oh, excuse me" and continues walking.
As he's walking he comes up to a third man. He says "Thank you for allowing me to come to Germany, thank you for everything you've done for me."
The man looks at him and says "I'm not German, I'm Arab."
Confused, the African asks "Where are all the Germans?"
The Arab looks down at his watch.
"Probably working."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0nf8a/so_an_african_migrant_is_strolling_down_a/
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A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "Free".
The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bartender replies "Free".
The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ne1e/a_guy_walks_into_the_bar_of_a_restaurant_and_goes/
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I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anesthetic.

He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ncs2/i_asked_the_doctor_if_i_could_administer_my_own/
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OC: I used to treat my 4.0 GPA like my virginity...

I was afraid of losing it to the wrong professor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0nb1o/oc_i_used_to_treat_my_40_gpa_like_my_virginity/
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The Pharmacist and a Thermometer

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open register. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no letup, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer and believe me mister, as God is my witness ... ALL I DID WAS TELL HER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0n3q3/the_pharmacist_and_a_thermometer/
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0mz1f/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
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Working on the docks makes you tough as a c***

A lawyer was questioning a guy that assaulted someone at work. He was a dock worker.
Lawyer: So the person you assaulted said it started with you calling him a cunt.
Guy: I did not call him a cunt, I didn't even know what that word meant.
Lawyer: You did not know what cunt meant? Don't you work on the docks?
Guy: Did not know what it meant so he is lying...
Lawyer: Are you saying you did not know and have not heard the word cunt before?
Guy: Thats right, but I know what it is now... my lawyer had to explain it to me
Lawyer: Are you telling me you did not know what a cunt was until you met your lawyer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0mxys/working_on_the_docks_makes_you_tough_as_a_c/
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I wouldn't get a job at that mattress store if I were you...

I heard they have a high turnover rate.
*joke brought to you by lack of sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0mway/i_wouldnt_get_a_job_at_that_mattress_store_if_i/
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My wife caught me cross dressing....

So without any hesitation I packed all her clothes and left the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0muqc/my_wife_caught_me_cross_dressing/
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What does your mom and a Razor Scooter have in common?

Everybody rode her, but won't admit it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ms94/what_does_your_mom_and_a_razor_scooter_have_in/
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What did the conservative wizard say when he wanted to sit down?

Bench-appearo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0mmc1/what_did_the_conservative_wizard_say_when_he/
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How do you live with HIV?

You stay positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0mjer/how_do_you_live_with_hiv/
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A pilot forgot to turn off the speaker.

He said to the copilot, “I could really go for a blowjob and coffee right now”
A flight attendant ran to the cabin to inform the captain that the speaker was on.
A passenger said “wait, you forgot the coffee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0mh9c/a_pilot_forgot_to_turn_off_the_speaker/
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"You're fat and you should exercise more!" said my wife.

So I answered, "Honey, just like me, our relationship doesn't work out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0mfgc/youre_fat_and_you_should_exercise_more_said_my/
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Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I’m in for a wild December.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0me9m/stats_show_that_the_average_person_has_sex_89/
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Who is the drummer for the Austrialian Beatles cover band?

ɹɐʇs oƃuᴉp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0m8zq/who_is_the_drummer_for_the_austrialian_beatles/
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How do you torture a Russian?

give them a vodka bottle full of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0m4n3/how_do_you_torture_a_russian/
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April was not the best student at her Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0m2zx/april_was_not_the_best_student_at_her_sunday/
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Two men stumble across a hole in the woods.

They want to see how far down it goes, so they look around for something to drop inside.
One man notices an old rusty anvil.
With great effort, they drag it to the hole and push it inside.
The watch the anvil drop into the hole, and even after it disappeared into the blackness, they never heard it hit a bottom.
A few seconds later, they hear distant galloping hooves. They turn just in time to see a goat come rocketing past them and jumps headfirst into the hole.
Just seconds behind, a woman approaches them, out of breath.
"Have you seen my goat?" She asks.
"Yes!" Said one of the men. "It just came running past and jumped into this hole!"
"That's impossible," the woman scoffed. "I had him chained to an anvil."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0lvch/two_men_stumble_across_a_hole_in_the_woods/
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Having pictures of your family as your wallpaper is great.

But it gets awkward when you close pornhub and they're the first thing you see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0lsc2/having_pictures_of_your_family_as_your_wallpaper/
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Why was Han Solo suspicious the first time he slept with Princess Leia?

She was Luke-warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0lrnc/why_was_han_solo_suspicious_the_first_time_he/
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I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0lqbv/i_just_had_a_near_sex_experience/
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Did you hear about Brad Pitt's horny sibling?

Trum Pitt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ln0a/did_you_hear_about_brad_pitts_horny_sibling/
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I don’t trust my shadow

He’s a shady guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0lllh/i_dont_trust_my_shadow/
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This message is URGENT; it came from a PHARMACIST!

If you or anyone you know are taking the Viagra pill, make sure it says:
"Made in USA"!
We do not want the Russians meddling in our erections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ljz5/this_message_is_urgent_it_came_from_a_pharmacist/
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I went to the Cinema yesterday...

...I was buying popcorn, a drink and some sweets.
As I went to pay I said, "I'm ever so sorry, I've only got a £50 note."
The lady said, "That's ok, you can put the sweets back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0lfjy/i_went_to_the_cinema_yesterday/
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This is my step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0lfad/this_is_my_step_ladder/
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What’s the difference between a 4-year-old boy and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn’t let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0l85f/whats_the_difference_between_a_4yearold_boy_and_a/
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Have you ever tried blind archery?

You don't know what you're missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0l84d/have_you_ever_tried_blind_archery/
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I hate peer pressure.

You should too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0l81z/i_hate_peer_pressure/
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My astronomy loving son asked me “how stars die?”

“Usually an overdose.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0kyig/my_astronomy_loving_son_asked_me_how_stars_die/
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I used to be a bus driver

But I got sick of people talking behind my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ksy8/i_used_to_be_a_bus_driver/
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I'm thinking of putting the Christmas tree up myself this year

I used to put it up in the living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0kpgz/im_thinking_of_putting_the_christmas_tree_up/
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My wife is like a 1974 Pinto.

She always blows up when I try to ram her in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ko1y/my_wife_is_like_a_1974_pinto/
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Once upon a time...

A man was driving through a rural countryside when his car got a flat. The only building within miles was a monestary. He walked up the steps, knocked on the huge wooden doors, and explained his situation to the monks. The monks were more than helpful. They sent a message to the nearest road station, though they informed him it would take a day to reach it's destination. However, they kindly offered the man a room and food for the time being.
At night, while he was sleeping, the man was awoken by a sweet and mystical sound from deep within the monestary. He laid awake for some time, pondering the source of this noise. The next day, as his car was being hooked up, he asked the monks what had made the noise, but they said;
"*We cannot tell you, for you are not a monk*"
The man left the monestary, with the noise plaguing his thoughts. Eventually, it became his obsession, and he drove back to the monestary to demand to know what made that sultry noise. But the monks denied him again;
"*We cannot tell you, for you are not a monk*"
"Then how do I become a monk?"
The monks, amazed by this man's persistence, told him he must travel the world and know the total number of grains of sand, blades of grass, and flakes of snow that exist on the earth. So the man set off on his quest.
50 years later, the man returned.
"There are 4,897,985,234,543 grains of sand, 8,534,123,758,973 blades of grass, and 976,042,026,647 flakes of snow on the earth."
The monks nodded, and lead him to a wooden door in the basement.
"*This key unlocks that door*" one said, pointing at the wooden door. "*Behind it is what you seek*"
The man turned the lock, opened the door, and saw another door, this one made of steel.
"Very funny, gimme the key to this door"
The monks abliged, and gave him the key. Behind the steel door was a bronze door. And behind that door was a silver door. Then a gold door, an emerald door, a platinum door, and finally, a diamond door. After finally opening the diamond door, the man gazed upon the wonder that made the noise which became his obsession. He cried for joy and and praise the almighty heavens.....
But he couldn't tell you what is was, for you are not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0kmij/once_upon_a_time/
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An insurance-guy knocks on the door. 5-year old Timmy opens up.

Insurance-guy: Can i speak to your dad, please?
Timmy: No, he’s been killed by a tractor.
Insurance-guy: Oh. I’m so sorry. Can I speak to your mom then?
Timmy: No, she’s been killed by a tractor.
Insurance-guy: OMG that’s awful. Are at least your grandparents home, or a sister or brother I can speak to?
Timmy: No, they all been killed by a tractor.
Insurance-guy: So, what are you doing all the time at home?
Timmy: Driving with the tractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0klhj/an_insuranceguy_knocks_on_the_door_5year_old/
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I heard a fight broke out in the orchestra hall today.

Apparently someone struck a wrong cord and it led to a lot of violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0kic3/i_heard_a_fight_broke_out_in_the_orchestra_hall/
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My dad always told me that I am special, that I am the 1%...

Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ke9e/my_dad_always_told_me_that_i_am_special_that_i_am/
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I was gonna tell you a joke about an Olympic fencer, but it’s gonna get deleted...

It was just a riposte anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0k0mz/i_was_gonna_tell_you_a_joke_about_an_olympic/
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Last night my deaf partner was talking in their sleep...

...nearly took my eye out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jyca/last_night_my_deaf_partner_was_talking_in_their/
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"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Dave, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jx9z/dad_look_im_a_3d_printer/
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There was a debate in my class about the Mexican/US border

Some argued that a wall was needed, and a rather racist friend of mine jokingly said:
"Mexicans are rather dumb, some barbed wire and such would be more than enough to keep those thieves out." After a short pause, he added: "As long as they don't start to steal the border itself".
Unsurprisingly, nobody laughed and plenty of students got upset. Actually, a Mexican guy in our class got really pissed off and started yelling and arguing quite a lot.
Apparently, he took *a fence*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jx89/there_was_a_debate_in_my_class_about_the/
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My friend David drowned.

At his funeral, we got him a wreath shaped as a life buoy. It was what he would've wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jwo7/my_friend_david_drowned/
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Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting on Katie's porch one Friday afternoon...

Jessica looks down the road and can see Katie's husband headed their way, with a large bouquet of roses. Jessica says, "Katie, here comes your husband! And he's got a bunch of roses!" Katie responds, "Yeah, nice", unenthusiastically. Jessica is confused, she says, "I don't understand. Isn't getting roses a nice thing?" Katie says, "Yeah, I guess. But every time my husband comes home on a Friday with flowers, it means I have to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Jessica sits pondering that information for a moment, and finally says, "Don't you have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jwl9/jessica_and_katie_were_sitting_and_chatting_on/
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Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he was married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jv4m/why_couldnt_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
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If I'm offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jnd3/if_im_offering_you_my_seat_you_fucking_take_it/
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I quit doing drugs for good...

Now I do them for evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jjty/i_quit_doing_drugs_for_good/
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I was once a Man trapped in a woman’s body...

Then I was born!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jh1r/i_was_once_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jgfu/a_male_whale_and_a_female_whale_were_swimming_off/
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What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda. But he didn't like talking about it.
John 12:49 :
For I did not speak of my own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jfpc/what_kind_of_car_does_jesus_drive_a_christler_oh/
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Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.
People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jens/found_this_on_my_computer_science_teachers_webpage/
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Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition  going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families  have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally  kicking
the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight.
The  following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight  continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with  the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes
silent  and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man  at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The  Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his  explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan  wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge  says, "Okay."
"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the  first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second  song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third  song, when all of a sudden the
groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."
Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"
"Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jdez/irish_wedding/
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A joke my grandma told me before she passed.

So a classroom teacher was giving candy to all the students. While doing this she was having them all guess what flavor the candy was.
After giving the first piece to the whole class she asks the class what flavor it was. They all said grape
The next flavor was guessed to be orange and the flavor after that cherry.
She gives out a final piece of candy to all the students. but no one can guess what flavor it is. The flavor being Honey she gives the class a hint "It's what your mommy sometimes calls your daddy"
After thinking for a bit the boy in the back screams "Spit it out, it's asshole"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jd0a/a_joke_my_grandma_told_me_before_she_passed/
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Being A Valkyrie would be stressful as all hell:

Everyone would be dying to meet you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jc0t/being_a_valkyrie_would_be_stressful_as_all_hell/
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A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day

and came upon a  young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that,"  said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties, came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father,  you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me  masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave  then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well,  I have a 44 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck.  Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0jb9z/a_priest_was_taking_a_shortcut_through_an_alley/
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I think this guy at the beach has gone mad while sunbathing, he won't stop talking about trigonometry!

He's a tan gent on a tangent tangent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0j9ad/i_think_this_guy_at_the_beach_has_gone_mad_while/
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Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0j6bx/once_upon_a_time_there_lived_a_ravishing_queen/
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I quit my job in the helium gas factory.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0j22i/i_quit_my_job_in_the_helium_gas_factory/
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A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he could go and make his next copy using the original in the vault as reference material. Since they've just been making copies of a copy for centuries and given his dedication to the process and his work so far the abbot agrees and brother Gray descends into the vault where he is given access to the only existing and oldest copy of the bible they have.
Days pass, none of the other monks are particularly concerned as brother Gray was known to be a perfectionist and was recognized among them as one of the best in his craft. After another week though they become anxious as nobody had really seen him since his descent into the vault, as such the abbot takes it upon himself to check up on him.
As he nears the vault he hears a gutteral sobbing, relentless and distraught. The abbot pushes open the door to the vault to find brother Gray lying face down in a heap on the floor, pages of the bible scattered all around. He rushes to his side. "Brother, whatever is the matter? We've been so worried about you. What's wrong?".
Brother Gray pushes himself upright, wipes away the tears from his eyes and grabs the abbot by the collar. "The word was 'Celebrate'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0izqx/a_group_of_monks_are_responsible_for_handmaking/
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"There's a great deal of noise coming from your boot," said the policeman.

"It's my subwoofer, officer. Rather bassy isn't it?"
He frowned and said, "Sir, I've never heard a subwoofer scream for help before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ios2/theres_a_great_deal_of_noise_coming_from_your/
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What does Donald Trumps military background and bad internet have in common?

No service

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0io6m/what_does_donald_trumps_military_background_and/
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A matematician, a philosopher and an accountant are applying for an important position within a prestigious company

During the interview the CEO askes each of them a simple question: how much is 2+2?
The matematician: Definitely 4, no doubt about it!
The philosopher: The answer in itself is not important, what matters is why did the question manifest itself.
The accountant, leaning forward and whispering into the CEO's ear: How much do you need it to be?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0imc3/a_matematician_a_philosopher_and_an_accountant/
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Every family reunion we would see our uncle who we called “caveman” we called him that because he was big and hairy and every now and then he would eat one of us

Then we found out he was a bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0il4l/every_family_reunion_we_would_see_our_uncle_who/
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Chicks dig golden retrievers

One can even say they are "Gold Diggers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ikl8/chicks_dig_golden_retrievers/
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An Irish man is walking his poodle

And his friend calls him and says they are giving away free beer for the next hour Inthe pub down the road.
So the Irish man runs with the dog to the pub as fast as he can.
When he gets there the door man says "sorry no pets."
The Irish man says "I'm blind this is my seeing eye dog."
The door man looks at the poodle and says "aren't they normally German shepherds or Labradors?"
The Irish man replies "don't know, why what did they give me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ia2w/an_irish_man_is_walking_his_poodle/
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Two bulls were in a field when a new cow was released from the pen.

"Who is the new cow?" Asked one.
"Never seen herbivore." Said the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0i93v/two_bulls_were_in_a_field_when_a_new_cow_was/
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Everyone knows Dave.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0i7r9/everyone_knows_dave/
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What chord does a piano play when it falls on a child

A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0i1l3/what_chord_does_a_piano_play_when_it_falls_on_a/
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I went to a costume party and the host asked me, "What are you?" I replied, "A harp!" Puzzled, he said, "Your costume's too small to be a harp!"

"Are you calling me a lyre?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0i07b/i_went_to_a_costume_party_and_the_host_asked_me/
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What’s the difference between Batman and a Black man?

Batman can go into a shop without Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0hzie/whats_the_difference_between_batman_and_a_black/
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I before E except after C...

...is unscientific...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0hyev/i_before_e_except_after_c/
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How do you kill a crowd of midgets?

With a minigun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0hxzq/how_do_you_kill_a_crowd_of_midgets/
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A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0hsad/a_man_and_woman_had_been_married_for_more_than_60/
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When my wife gave birth to twins, she went into a coma.

Upon waking up, she heard that her stupid brother named them.
Hearing the girl's name, Denise, she thought it wasn't gonna be so bad.
Then she heard the boy's name.
"DeNephew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0hs0m/when_my_wife_gave_birth_to_twins_she_went_into_a/
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Why do mice have small balls?

So few of them can dance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0hpv3/why_do_mice_have_small_balls/
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English Teacher

A young woman applies for a job at a school. The principal looks at her pretty and innocent face and tells her “I’m sorry Our only opening is for an English teacher for a special class. The students in this class are rejects from all over the city and can’t spell even the simplest of words. No other teacher has succeeded with this class and honestly no one wants to teach them anymore“
The teacher is thankful for the opportunity and accepts the job. One week later, to  everyones shock the students of this special class have all developed an advanced vocabulary. The principal is curious about this sudden improvement and decides to drop by the class. This is what he sees:
Teacher: Kids, what comes first.
Students: BOOTY!
Teacher : And whats behind this  booty?
Students : Another BOOTY!!!!
Teacher: And who is behind these two booties?
Students : ME!!!!
Teacher: And who is behind me?
Students : The entire country!!!!!!
The principal is perplexed.  "Ok just what in the name of God is going on here ", he asks.
"Sir, they are learning to spell Assassination", replies the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0hopu/english_teacher/
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A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0hn2e/a_flight_attendant_sees_a_suspicious_couple_on/
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TIFU by misinterpreting the meaning of shower thoughts and getting banned from the sub

I still think "I like when people get me hot and come inside me" is something a shower would think though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0himy/tifu_by_misinterpreting_the_meaning_of_shower/
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I heard Russia attacked Ukraine again?

Crimea river.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0hh3f/i_heard_russia_attacked_ukraine_again/
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What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken.
Thanks for letting me waste your time
By a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0hgo7/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_thats_afraid_of_the/
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Two young brothers are talking about swearing...

The older boy says "I'll show you swearing tomorrow morning at breakfast; just see if I don't."
At the breakfast table the following morning their mother asks the older boy what he'd like for his breakfast.
He replies "Well- I quite fancy f\*\*\*ing Coco-Pops today, mother." and grinned broadly at his younger brother. The mother goes absolutely ape and smacks the boy around the back of his head sending him squealing off to his room.
"And you..." she says pointing her fish-slice at the younger boy as she spoke "What do you want for *your* breakfast?"
He replies- "I dunno but definitely not f\*\*\*ing Coco-Pops!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0hfpf/two_young_brothers_are_talking_about_swearing/
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A hippie sits down at a bar...

So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job".
Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.
A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.
"Something about a job. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0hcop/a_hippie_sits_down_at_a_bar/
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What do you call an average math bully?

Mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0hbfa/what_do_you_call_an_average_math_bully/
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What happens to short people when they smoke weed , do they get high or medium?

Lemme tell you what happens to them
They get offended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0hbck/what_happens_to_short_people_when_they_smoke_weed/
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Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.
The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet his two newest eternal residents, and despite rivers of lava and torrents of brimstone, they’re standing around in jackets.
“Not hot enough for you?” asked the Devil.
“What, this? Nah, this is like a Spring day in Chicago.”
The Devil doesn’t take lightly to such a slight, so he decides to really turn things up. The renewed eternal hellfire and inferno has made the screams of the tormented souls in hell even louder. Rivers of lava overflowing their banks. The Devil goes to check on his two Chicagoans, and sure enough he sees them lounging in shorts and t-shirts.
“Not hot enough for you?” the devil queries bewilderedly.
“What, this? Nah, this is like a July in Chicago. In fact, I think the humidity was worse in the summer of ’96.”
The Devil is even more incensed. He comes up with a new idea. Turn the thermostat way down. The cursed souls in Hell are greeted by new but equally unbearable type of torture. The lava stops flowing, brimstone stops glowing, and wouldn’t you know it, the ground they stand on has frozen solid.
The Devil again searches out his two Chicagoans, and to his dismay, they’re hugging and cheering.
“What’s this all about!?” the Devil roared.
“THEY’VE DONE IT, IT’S FINALLY HAPPENED, THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0haff/two_chicagoans_die_in_an_unfortunate_car_wreck/
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Three old men sitting on a park bench...

The first one says "Windy isn't it?"
The second says "Nope. Thursd'y"
The third says "Me too- let's go for a pint."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0h9sy/three_old_men_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?

The Air Force, because its US AF.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0h8au/which_of_the_american_forces_is_the_most_patriotic/
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American tourists visit Russia

... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.
Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking vodka. Suddenly they see screaming crazy Americans running over the campsite, tipping over the picknick tables, breaking bottles, and then disappearing into the thick woods.
The campers are pissed, so they catch up on the tourists and start beating them up until the last one hits the ground. Then they return to the campsite.
Back at the campsite one camper to another "You know Vassily, that American - he put up a pretty good fight". "Which one?". "Well you know, the one in the fur coat".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0h48h/american_tourists_visit_russia/
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3 Men were looking to get in the world record book

So they look at each other, trying to find some notable qualities that will get them in the guiness book of world records. After some inspection, the first guy says
“Wow, I have some really long arm hair”
so he decides to go for the record. The second guy says
“Wow, I have some really small ears”
the third guy says
“Wow, I have a really small cock!”
So the three men measure their body parts, photograph, and submit them to the guiness people. 6 months later, the new world record book is out. The men rush to the shop, buy the book, and rush home. Once home, the three men quickly flip through the pages, looking to see if they made it. After finding the page, the first man says
“Yes! I made it for having the worlds longest arm hair!”
The second guy says
“Yes!! I made it for having the worlds smallest ears”
And the third guy says...
“Who the FUCK are the r/jokes mods??”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0h1tn/3_men_were_looking_to_get_in_the_world_record_book/
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Did you hear about the guy who put a nicotine patch on his penis???

He said it's working, he's down to 2 butts a day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0h1no/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_put_a_nicotine/
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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0h0vc/a_jewish_man_was_leaving_a_convenience_store_with/
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My 8 year told me this today

A man got out of jail today and was walking down the street saying I’m free, I’m free, I’m free. A kid goes up to him and says so what I’m four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0h0ca/my_8_year_told_me_this_today/
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Choirs tend to be less picky when auditioning basses, since there aren't as many of them

Just another example of special treatment for vocal minorities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0gxzb/choirs_tend_to_be_less_picky_when_auditioning/
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Veganism is like Communism

It's fine unless you like food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0gwcg/veganism_is_like_communism/
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I got food poisoning the other day.

Not sure when I'm gonna use it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0gnp4/i_got_food_poisoning_the_other_day/
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Knock knock!

Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
\*Dave proceeds to burst into tears as his grandmothers Alzheimer's tears his family apart.\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0gmz7/knock_knock/
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I went to my doctor to have him look at some strange spots on my arse. I pulled my pants down, he took a look and responded..

Weird flecks; butt ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0gkw4/i_went_to_my_doctor_to_have_him_look_at_some/
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A guy is sitting in a bar when he sees a jar full of $50 & $100 bills

He turns to the bartender and asks what the jar is all about.
“You can put a $50 or $100 bill in there and get it back as well as win all the money in the jar if you complete three tasks that I give you”
The guy says oh alright and continues drinking his beer. A while has passed now and he’s drank more beer and is pretty wasted.
“Fuck it” he says while putting a $50 in the jar. “What are my 3 tasks?”
Bartender says “Alright, the first task is you have to walk up to the bouncer at the front door and knock him down with one blow. The second task is you have to go upstairs to the 90 year old woman and fuck her ninety times. And the third task is you gotta go out back to the chained up rabid dog and pull his rotten tooth out.”
“That’s easy!” The guy says. Finishes his beer and walks up to the bouncer and knees him square in the balls sending him to his knees.
Then he goes outside to the rabid dog. A few hours have passed now and he walks back into the bar all bloody and dirty.
“Alright!” He shouts. “Now where’s the 90 year old woman with the rotten tooth?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0gjtt/a_guy_is_sitting_in_a_bar_when_he_sees_a_jar_full/
%
My Doctor keeps saying “Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”

I know he means well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ghye/my_doctor_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
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One night, two law students are busy studying for an important exam to be held three days later.

However, they are burn out.
One of the boys thinks that studying any further is futile, and that they should drive tomorrow out state; meet his cousin; party like there's no tomorrow; drive back for one more day; and be in time for the exam the day after.
His colleague agree and they both pack their backpacks and go to sleep.
The next day, they drive out city; meet with the cousin; take some drugs; and party like there's no tomorrow in a strip club.
The next day however, they are so wasted that one MORE day passes before they recover.
They rush back home, driving like maniacs, but it is too late.
The professor wouldn't let them take an exam unless they have a good alibi.
Thankfully, however, the students are smart and had agreed to an alibi beforehand.
One of them says: "Sir, we were driving back home when we spotted an old lady with a flat tire."
The other continues: "We felt sorry for her then saw that we had identical tires. So we change one of hers for ours."
The professor is moved, and agrees to give them an exam tomorrow.
Happy with their victory, they study hard that night until they are confident they will ace any exam.
When they approach the professor; he gives them both a piece of paper then proceeds to lead them to two separate rooms.
At the same time both get a horrible feeling in their stomach. There's only one question: "Which tire?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0gcyx/one_night_two_law_students_are_busy_studying_for/
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a forest

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are camping at the edge of a forest after an interfaith conference. One day, they decide they want to see who’s best at his job. So each one agrees to go into the forest, find a bear, and try to convert it.
At the end of the day they all get together to share how things went. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.” The minister and rabbi are both surprised at his success.
The minister, not wanting to be outdone, goes next. “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” The priest and the rabbi are both in awe at this, marveling at the power of the good book.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0gcti/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_forest/
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At Heathrow Airport today...

An individual claiming to be a school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra crime syndicate and charged him with carrying weapons of math destruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0g6nr/at_heathrow_airport_today/
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Why can’t you tell usain bolt a joke?

He’ll beat you to the punch line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0g5tl/why_cant_you_tell_usain_bolt_a_joke/
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4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0g36k/4_beer_company_ceos_walk_into_a_bar/
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What does a gynecologist and a SAT exam taker have in common?

They both check boxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0g2u1/what_does_a_gynecologist_and_a_sat_exam_taker/
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What do you call it when a person eats another person just a little bit?

Cannibbleism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0g2a0/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_person_eats_another/
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I do crunches twice a day now

Captain in the morning and Nestle in the Afternoon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fyxh/i_do_crunches_twice_a_day_now/
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What prize does someone get if they haven’t moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fy2d/what_prize_does_someone_get_if_they_havent_moved/
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An Airbus A380 is on its way across the Atlantic.

It flies consistently at 907 km/h in 35,000 feet, when suddenly a Euro-fighter with Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fxg1/an_airbus_a380_is_on_its_way_across_the_atlantic/
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The girl loves to screw

A boy comes over to his girlfriend's house so he could take her out to a dance. There he meets her father for the first time. As the girlfriend gets ready, the boy nervously takes a seat in the living room with the father. No words are spoken as the boy waits, clearly intimidated by the older man. Finally the father breaks the silence.
"You know my daughter, she loves to screw."
The boy couldn't believe his ears. "Come again sir?"
"Yeah, she loves to screw. She tells me all the time. You two should do that tonight. It's her favorite!"
"Are you sure you're okay with that?"
"Sure! She can screw all night long, that girl."
The boy, now excited, waited anxiously until his girlfriend was ready and took her to the dance with this new information at hand. The father even gives him a little wink as the couple leave the house. The boy couldn't be happier.
A few hours later however, the daughter comes barreling home with tears streaming her face. The boy is running behind her with a visible red mark of a hand across his face. They get to the father and the daughter screams:
"It's called the TWIST dad! The fucking TWIST!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fx43/the_girl_loves_to_screw/
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Did you hear the joke about butter?

I better not tell you, it may spread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fx2w/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_butter/
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I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work,do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with stoney silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fx1h/i_phoned_my_wife_earlier_im_just_setting_off_from/
%
If Bruce Willis were to pass away with an erection

He would die hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fvdv/if_bruce_willis_were_to_pass_away_with_an_erection/
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My crazy friend told to me to stop making low hanging fruit jokes....

So now I go for the coconuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fuh7/my_crazy_friend_told_to_me_to_stop_making_low/
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I really wanna post an Asian joke...

But I'm afraid that they wont Reddit go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ftu4/i_really_wanna_post_an_asian_joke/
%
Johnny was a chemist's son, but Johnny is no more...

...for what he thought was H20 was H2SO4!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ftlm/johnny_was_a_chemists_son_but_johnny_is_no_more/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fsdf/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_paper_towel_on/
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A lawyer well known for his stinginess dies and goes to heaven

He is greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter.
St. Peter looks through the giant book of life, which detailed all the lawyer did, looks at the lawyer and says “Yup, sorry, don’t think you’ve lived your life doing enough good to get into heaven. The lift to the underworld is that end.”
The lawyer insists “There have definitely been times in my life I have been charitable!”
St. Peter asks “such as?”
The lawyer pipes on “there was that time in 1972 where a man was a dollar short on his parking and asked me, and I gave it to him!”
“Begrudgingly” said St. Peter
“Or that time in 2002 when I walked past a homeless man and gave him 50 cents!”
St. Peter looks at the lawyer straight in the eye, sighs, and says :
“Alright tell you what, here’s your $1.50, now take it and go to hell.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fs2b/a_lawyer_well_known_for_his_stinginess_dies_and/
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A midget is in prison plotting escape

He waits til night, and throws a rope over the wall and climbs over.  As he’s climbing down, a guard notices and thinks, “That’s a little condescending.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fqjg/a_midget_is_in_prison_plotting_escape/
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My wife and I tried this amazing new sex position today

It’s called “me alone in the bathroom with my phone”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fpgh/my_wife_and_i_tried_this_amazing_new_sex_position/
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Whats the difference between acne and a catholic priest ?

Acne waits till you are a teenager to come on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fmbi/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_catholic/
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I just got a Tinder Surprise.

The surprise was gonorrhea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0finp/i_just_got_a_tinder_surprise/
%
(√-1)(2^3)(∑ Π)

and it was delicious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fhfy/123_π/
%
Whoever invented door knockers

Probably won a Nobel prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fhf2/whoever_invented_door_knockers/
%
My friend asked me the other day why I’m always looking at women’s butts

“I can’t help it,” I said, “my hindsight is 20/20”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0fddp/my_friend_asked_me_the_other_day_why_im_always/
%
Feminists call men pigs

Feminists also call women equal to men
Houstina, we have a problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0f8ir/feminists_call_men_pigs/
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A team of doctors wanted to conduct a research.

A team of doctors wanted to examine the health effects of long time consumption of sweets, liquor and smoking on people who never ate sweets, consumed liquor or smoked previously.
Three people decided to volunteer in the research. One of them was taken to a room full with sweets and was locked inside for 3 months. Other two were locked inside rooms filled with expensive liquors and cigars for 3 months respectively.
At the end of three months, the rooms were unlocked one by one. The person who volunteered for sweet eating had become obese, could barely move and became diabetic. The person in the room of liquor had passed out on the floor, covered in the pool of puke and piss. His liver was damaged.
When the third room of cigars was unlocked, the person started behaving violently. He grabbed one of the doctors by collar and barked,
"Who the hell locked me in the room with cigars but with no lighter?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0f79a/a_team_of_doctors_wanted_to_conduct_a_research/
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If a husband and wife that both voted for Trump get divorced...

Are they still considered cousins?
(heard this at the family Thanksgiving get together today, my apologies if it's not new.. And apologies to Trump fans if it's offensive to you, I thought it was funny)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0f4yd/if_a_husband_and_wife_that_both_voted_for_trump/
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What’s the name of Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother?

Broco Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0f453/whats_the_name_of_bruce_lees_vegetarian_brother/
%
what did Santa get Mrs. Claus for Christmas?

a pearl necklace 'cause she's a ho ho ho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0f3mb/what_did_santa_get_mrs_claus_for_christmas/
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Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
(All the men sighed with unified relief.)
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0f1tp/toms_scrotum/
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A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ezwu/a_vulture_boards_an_airplane_carrying_two_dead/
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Your girlfriend's so ugly

She made Stevie Wonder flinch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ey9n/your_girlfriends_so_ugly/
%
My Girlfriend Is A Pornstar

She’ll kill me if she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ew4w/my_girlfriend_is_a_pornstar/
%
What do you call a stuck up criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0epkx/what_do_you_call_a_stuck_up_criminal_going_down/
%
I hear a sink knocking on your door

Let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0enow/i_hear_a_sink_knocking_on_your_door/
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What disease is running rampant in the Catholic Church?

Porkin' sons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0eljb/what_disease_is_running_rampant_in_the_catholic/
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My wife and I had this huge argument about which vowel is the most important.

I won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ekrx/my_wife_and_i_had_this_huge_argument_about_which/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.
(Sorry, ill show myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ekpb/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
How do we know Luke Skywalker wasn't circumcised?

He had force kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ejo8/how_do_we_know_luke_skywalker_wasnt_circumcised/
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Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea

You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0eilz/going_into_my_sons_room_is_the_same_as_going_to/
%
Little Johnny goes to the rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.
"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.
Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. That's nothing."
Dad comes back and mom goes off to use the washroom.
Once mommy is gone, Little Johnny asks, "Daddy, what's that long thing beneath the bull's belly?"
"That's the bull's cock, son," his dad answers. "He uses it to mount and fuck a cow."
"But mommy said it was nothing!" Johnny replied.
Dad leans back with his hand behind his head and takes a sip of his beer. "Son... I've spoiled that woman..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0eh1a/little_johnny_goes_to_the_rodeo_with_his_mom_and/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
EA
EA who?
Pay only $4.99 to find out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0eexs/knock_knock/
%
A group of guys were playing a round of golf..

After 9 holes they stopped to have a cigar. So one of the guys opens his golf bag and pulls out 2 cigars and a great big lighter.
His friend asks him  "Hey, where did you get such a big lighter?"
He responds "From my magic genie, of course!"
Of course his friend doesn't believe him and says "you don't have a magic genie!"
He responds with  "yes I do! I'll prove it!,"
So he goes over to his golf bag and unzips a compartment and POOF! And suddenly a genie appears!
The genie tells his friend "to prove that I'm real, I'll give you one wish! Choose wisely!"
So his friends thinks about it and says "okay, I wish for a million bucks!"
Before you know it there are suddenly a whole bunch of ducks flying all around the golfers.
The guy then says to his friend "Oh, I forgot to mention that my genie is hard of hearing. Do you think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0eeja/a_group_of_guys_were_playing_a_round_of_golf/
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My friend came over for dinner last night. He was eating and said “hey I found a button in my salad!”

I told him not to worry, it’s just part of the dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0eaxi/my_friend_came_over_for_dinner_last_night_he_was/
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Yeah, Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper were both phenomenal, but I'm more excited for the upcoming Icelandic remake

A Star Is Björn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0e6wr/yeah_lady_gaga_and_bradley_cooper_were_both/
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Cop: know how fast u were going;

Me: obviously. I have a speedometer.
Cop: i know that
Me: then why did u ask
Cop: [looking down moving toe around the dirt] I just wanted to talk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0e4w4/cop_know_how_fast_u_were_going/
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Early funerals are no good,

If your not a mourning person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0dz6g/early_funerals_are_no_good/
%
Science gave us skyscrapers and airplanes...

Religion brought them together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0dvac/science_gave_us_skyscrapers_and_airplanes/
%
What's the difference between the Game of Thrones books and a Chinese newspaper?

To understand everything in a Chinese newspaper you only need to know about 3,000 characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0dtzq/whats_the_difference_between_the_game_of_thrones/
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ds4z/how_do_you_get_a_lawyer_out_of_a_tree/
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So, matched with a girl on Tinder. She messaged saying, "C'mon over, nobody is home"

I went over there, nobody was home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0drsc/so_matched_with_a_girl_on_tinder_she_messaged/
%
I'm sick of Christmas music.

You could even say it blows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0drfk/im_sick_of_christmas_music/
%
Which piano player is the most predictable poker player?

Ben Folds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0dr0e/which_piano_player_is_the_most_predictable_poker/
%
Im trying to explain my sexuality to my dad.

Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual."
Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner."
Me : "Yeah."
Dad : "Or a female partner."
Me : "Yeah."
Dad :  "So... That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?"
ME :
ME :
ME :
ME :  "Son of a b..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0dkvf/im_trying_to_explain_my_sexuality_to_my_dad/
%
Two blondes were walking along a river, one on each side...

The one on the east bank yells across  "How do I get to the other side?!"   The one one on the west bank replies "Your on the other side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0dkmk/two_blondes_were_walking_along_a_river_one_on/
%
A man breaks into a house and starts examining valuable things to steal. He hears a screechy voice saying "God is watching you!"

He goes into another room and hears the same voice say "God is watching you!".
Then he goes into another room and, once again, hears "God is watching you!". At that point, he asks "And who are you?"
The voice responds by saying "Johnny Cash. I'm a parrot."
The burglar asks "What sort of a retard calls his parrot "Johnny Cash"?"
The parrot replies "The same sort who calls his pitbull "God"".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0divb/a_man_breaks_into_a_house_and_starts_examining/
%
Why can't werewolves tell time

Because they're not when wolves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0disb/why_cant_werewolves_tell_time/
%
Why did the Pimp go broke?

He kept getting a penny for his thots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0dii3/why_did_the_pimp_go_broke/
%
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0digx/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
A hitchiker is taken by an elderly couple in an RV. During the trip, the husband, driving the vehicle, says "152", and the couple laughs. Then the wife says "365" and they also laugh.

The hitchhiker then asks "What's the deal with these numbers?"
The old man replies: "We've been telling each other jokes for such a long time that we memorized and numbered them all, and now only refer to them by numbers."
A few minutes after hearing that, the hitchhiker says "984", and the couple heartily laughs for quite some time. The hitchkiker asks "Is it that funny?"
The old man replies "No, but it's the first time we've heard this one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0dh16/a_hitchiker_is_taken_by_an_elderly_couple_in_an/
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What do you get when you take the derivative of pain?

Zero, because pain is a constant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0dgnq/what_do_you_get_when_you_take_the_derivative_of/
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There used to be an amazing Indian restaurant that cooked everything in clarified butter. It was called "The Ghee Spot".

Went out of business because no one could find it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0d9bv/there_used_to_be_an_amazing_indian_restaurant/
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My friend keeps telling jokes about nuclear war

It’s making me go MAD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0d7ps/my_friend_keeps_telling_jokes_about_nuclear_war/
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I went to the doctor recently.. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I asked: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said,  “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0d40p/i_went_to_the_doctor_recently_he_said_dont_eat/
%
What do you call a replacement dog?

A sub woofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0czd2/what_do_you_call_a_replacement_dog/
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I went to see a faith healer last night

I wasn’t expecting much as I don’t believe in that sort of thing. I was right though, he was awful. It was so bad, even the bloke at the front in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0cv7a/i_went_to_see_a_faith_healer_last_night/
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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denomator

Only a fraction of people will get that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ctp0/theres_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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A gay man goes to a church

And when the donation tin is makes it's way to the gay man, he leaves a $1000 in the tin. Once the tin makes it's way back to the pastor, the pastor is shocked! He yells, "Whoever left such a generous donation, please make yourself known!". The gay man stands up and says "I did". The pastor smiles at the man and says, "This church thanks you for such a gift! The congregation would love for you to choose 3 hymns".
The gay man starts pointing around the church and saying "I will take him, and him and him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0cnzd/a_gay_man_goes_to_a_church/
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I was taking a stroll through the town when i saw a midget go up to a black man, and mutter a racial slur

I turn to my friend and say, “That’s a little racist”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0cno1/i_was_taking_a_stroll_through_the_town_when_i_saw/
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So I was at my girlfriend’s house

and I was sitting on her couch waiting for her to come home from work, when her incredibly hot sister walked into the room. She comes and sits down next to me and says, “We should have sex before my sister gets home.” I immediately get off the couch and walk out the front door. My girlfriend was waiting there for me and says, “You’ve won my trust.” The lesson here is to always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0cgjd/so_i_was_at_my_girlfriends_house/
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Son starts talking to his Dad

Son: "Dad, I had sex for the first time yesterday."
Dad: "That's great, sit down and tell me how it happened."
Son: "I can't sit... It still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0cexu/son_starts_talking_to_his_dad/
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A doctor walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, " hey doc, why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?"
Surprised, the doctor reaches behind his ear and grabs the thermometer.
"Huh," the doctor replies. "I guess some asshole has my pencil."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0cb8c/a_doctor_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a chick pea, and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't let a garbanzo *bean* on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0c5t2/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
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I met a guy who believes the Earth is flat. He set off on a journey to see for himself.

I'm sure he'll come around.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0c4nq/i_met_a_guy_who_believes_the_earth_is_flat_he_set/
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What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0c4er/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that
afternoon. The son replies "I just did some
homeworkJ ' The robot slaps the son. The son
then says "Okay, okay. I was at my friends house
watching a movies'
Dad asks "What movie were you watching?" The
son replies "Finding Nemo The robot slaps the
son. He then sais "Okay. okay. We were watching
porn"
Dad said "What?! At your age I didn't know what
porn was."The robot slaps the father. Mom
laughs and says "Wow. He certainly is your son:'
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0c49c/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_that_slaps_people/
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Just got an app that tells me which one of my relatives are racist

It's called Facebook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0c3r8/just_got_an_app_that_tells_me_which_one_of_my/
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Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0c1hj/did_you_hear_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
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Actual exchange the morning of my wedding yesterday:

Photographer (to bride): scale of 1 to 10, what's your stress level at?
Bride: 8
Groom (me): WOOHOO SINGLE DIGITS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0bt5z/actual_exchange_the_morning_of_my_wedding/
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0bo33/i_started_carrying_a_knife_after_an_attempted/
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A joke on procrastination....

..coming soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0blxu/a_joke_on_procrastination/
%
I was raped by a teenage mutant ninja turtle last night

But couldn’t identify him to the police because he wasn’t wearing a mask

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0bj0t/i_was_raped_by_a_teenage_mutant_ninja_turtle_last/
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I'm still tired after my first French self defence class.......

I've never run so much in my whole life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0bit7/im_still_tired_after_my_first_french_self_defence/
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Guess how good my jokes on asthma are....

They're breathtaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0bffv/guess_how_good_my_jokes_on_asthma_are/
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Women call me ugly occasionally. But that’s only until they hear how much money I make.

Then they say I’m poor and ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0bbvf/women_call_me_ugly_occasionally_but_thats_only/
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What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?

Quack, quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0bbj6/what_did_the_turkey_say_to_the_turkey_hunter/
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How do you call a self-restrained coke addict?

A one-liner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ba2n/how_do_you_call_a_selfrestrained_coke_addict/
%
Today was terrible.

My ex got hit with a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0b833/today_was_terrible/
%
I’m selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights.

Who wants some?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0b4j3/im_selling_books_on_how_to_avoid_saying_the_wrong/
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What do you call an angry French aunt?

A crossaunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0b3cp/what_do_you_call_an_angry_french_aunt/
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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at?

IHOP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0b2jy/if_girls_with_big_boobs_work_at_hooters_where_do/
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What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo. - Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0b276/what_do_you_call_a_waffle_on_a_california_beach/
%
Two kids meet on their first day of primary school.

"I've always been clever," says one kid. "I've been walking since I was 9 months old."
"You call that clever?" says the other. "I let them carry me around until I was 4."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ax4g/two_kids_meet_on_their_first_day_of_primary_school/
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I was in a blindfolded wanking competition the other day....

I’ve no idea where I came.
Sorry if repost, new to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0am1w/i_was_in_a_blindfolded_wanking_competition_the/
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You have to lettuce go.

We don’t want to romaine here anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0agwd/you_have_to_lettuce_go/
%
Roses Are Red...

Violets are blue,
I have tourettes,
Cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0agq7/roses_are_red/
%
Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ag1b/wife_how_would_you_describe_me/
%
Here's an oldie but a goldie. Worth the read!

Two men were going on a lengthy trip on horseback. Every night they would stay in an inn and set out the next morning. After the first night however, they couldn't tell who's horse was who's. They debated for almost 10 minutes when one guy said, "OH! I remember. I shaved my horse's tail. See, this one is mine." The other man slapped his forehead and said, "You genius! That's a great idea I'll do the same..."
The next morning, after finishing their breakfast, they realized the same problem was happening. "What can we do," said one man, "they both have shaven tails that look the same." The other man thought for a moment and said, "OH! I remember. I removed my horse's front right horseshoe. See, this one is mine.  The other man slapped his forehead and said, "You genius! That's a great idea I'll do the same..."
The next morning, waking up too late and in a rush, they realized the same problem was happening. "What can we do," said one man, "they both have shaven tails and missing front right horseshoes." The two men thought about this. And they debated. For nearly 40 minutes. Glancing at his pocket watch, one man gave up and said,
"Listen, it doesn't matter. You take the black one, I'll take the white one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0adqf/heres_an_oldie_but_a_goldie_worth_the_read/
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Why is Santa’s sack so big?

He only comes once a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0adag/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
11-year old sister told me this one

What do you call an evil caribou?
A teribou.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0ac13/11year_old_sister_told_me_this_one/
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Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0aaol/whats_the_difference_between_a_amateur_thief_and/
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After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said, "Well, I'm going to call it a day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0aae1/after_god_created_24_hours_of_alternating/
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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic.....

I was in Daniel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0a8g3/i_refused_to_believe_i_was_gay_and_dyslexic/
%
My life was great before I traveled to the North pole

From there it all went south.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0a1io/my_life_was_great_before_i_traveled_to_the_north/
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I've just found out about the shortcut CTRL+a

This changes everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a09quf/ive_just_found_out_about_the_shortcut_ctrla/
%
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse divorce

In the courtroom the judge says to  Mickey, “Mr Mouse,  I don’t see any evidence to support your charge that Mrs Mouse has become insane”.   Mickey gets a confused look on his face and says, “Judge, I never complained that she was insane.  I said that  she was fucking Goofy”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a09qc9/mickey_mouse_and_minnie_mouse_divorce/
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Why don't mummies get involved with other people?

Because they're too wrapped up in themselves. #dadjokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a09kwe/why_dont_mummies_get_involved_with_other_people/
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In my day, we never had Pirate Bay and Limewire

We had to walk two miles to the record store and  shoplift that shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a09gqc/in_my_day_we_never_had_pirate_bay_and_limewire/
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The coroner's first day

Jack gets a job as a coroner in his local precinct, assisting the head coroner.
He starts prepping his first subject for autopsy, when he notices a cork in the corpse's behind. Putting on his gloves and grabbing an evidence bag, he slowly removes the cork and suddenly a song starts bursting from the cheeks "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..."
He reinserts the cork amazed at he heard.
Startled, and a little shaken, he tries once more.
"The life I love is makin' music with my friends, and I can't wait to get on the road again". Corking it once more, he runs to grab the head coroner.
Eager to show him his discovery, he pulls out the cork and sure enough the ass begins to sing.
"On the road again, Going places that I've never been."
Jack looked over at the head coroner's nonplussed face. And the head coroner sighs and says
"This isn't worth getting excited about. Any asshole can sing country."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a09c7x/the_coroners_first_day/
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I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell.

Looking at it now, I see why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a09bky/ive_often_heard_that_icy_is_the_easiest_word_to/
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I failed my job interview as a Kamikaze pilot today.

I probably shouldn't have asked for a pension.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a098f5/i_failed_my_job_interview_as_a_kamikaze_pilot/
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I can't find a place to live and it's really starting to get to me

I'm getting an apartment complex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0964d/i_cant_find_a_place_to_live_and_its_really/
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Have you heard of the boy made of bread?

Apparently nobody wanted to take him in...
Good thing they used self-raising flour!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a091i5/have_you_heard_of_the_boy_made_of_bread/
%
Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a090u9/why_do_programmers_confuse_halloween_and_christmas/
%
An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution

Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a08t0u/an_english_soldier_is_captured_by_the_french_and/
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I can teach you how to break dance so fast

It'll make your headspin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a08s4x/i_can_teach_you_how_to_break_dance_so_fast/
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For Sale - and not what you think it is!

For Sale:
'96 Model Year
Low Mileage
No Accidents
Spotless Interior
Reliable
Superior Performance and Handling
Runs Well Every Day
Dual Front Airbags
Spacious Rear Cargo
Looks Great, Sounds Better
No, this was not a car for sale on Craigslist.
This was actually a Tinder profile I read by a creative girl. Give her credit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a08m3p/for_sale_and_not_what_you_think_it_is/
%
An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a08k0j/an_atheist_vegan_and_cross_fit_athlete_walk_into/
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To the person who stole my spices, I hope you’re happy...

Because you’re living on borrowed thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a08ir8/to_the_person_who_stole_my_spices_i_hope_youre/
%
A Man walks into a Juice bar and finds it empty

Then the bartender says:
,,What did you expect? a punchline?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a08ili/a_man_walks_into_a_juice_bar_and_finds_it_empty/
%
Host: What are you?

Me: I'm a Harp
Host: Your costume's too small.
Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a08ikv/host_what_are_you/
%
The Pope In The Airplane

The pope is in an airplane doing a crossword puzzle and this guy sitting  next to him is totally taken aback with excitement. He thinks to  himself "I'm pretty good at crosswords maybe he'll ask me to help him  with one of the words."
Sure enough the pope turns to him and says "What is a four letter word for a woman that ends u-n-t?"
The guy thinks for a split second and says "aunt"
"Ah yes," the pope replies. "You wouldn't by chance happen to have an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a08hm0/the_pope_in_the_airplane/
%
The Wife and The Landlord

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord  because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a  neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a08gs0/the_wife_and_the_landlord/
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I have managed to become a member of the National Secrecy Society.

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a08egh/i_have_managed_to_become_a_member_of_the_national/
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Alan Titchmarsh told this joke at my graduation

A wife and husband lived in a house with a horrible garden.
Every day the wife would stare out her kitchen window at the garden and sigh. She wanted water features and flower beds put in, and a paved area to eat alfresco on.
Every day she would turn to her husband and say ‘darling please could you sort out our garden? It looks so tatty compared to the neighbours’
Every day the husband would say ‘do I have Alan Titchmarsh tattooed on my forehead?’
This went on for weeks, the wife asking for the garden to be sorted; the husband asking if he looked like Alan Titchmarsh.
One day the husband had to go away for work. He was gone for a couple of weeks, and came back to find the garden transformed. There were water features in every corner, flower beds in front of the windows, and a paved area for alfresco dining.
He asked his wife how this had all happened. The wife said ‘one of our neighbours offered me the garden of my dreams if I either baked him a cake or gave him one night of wild passionate sex’.
The husband asked ‘what cake did you bake?’
The wife answered, ‘do I have Mary Berry tattooed on my forehead?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a089ok/alan_titchmarsh_told_this_joke_at_my_graduation/
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There was once a boy named Al who had special magical powers.

He could produce any kind of delicious food imaginable at the blink of an eye just by touching a utensil. People from all around his village would come everyday to witness this themselves.They would bring a bowl or a plate from their home and return with it being full of delicious food. Whenever anyone came up to him with a bowl, he would just proudly say "Ready the bowl, Mam !"and in a puff of smoke that bowl would be full of whatever that person desired to eat.He could make sweets , he could make beverages , he could make anything the heart desired, and he helped everyone with his gift.
Because of this helpful nature he was beloved by everyone in the village. All the girls liked him and all the boys wanted to be friends with him. Except for one who one day out of jealousy ran to the king and told him everything about Al and his powers because he wished for Al to be captured by him, And the greedy king took the bait and sent his soldiers to capture Al by any means necessary. But Al was warned beforehand by a well-wisher of him at the court whom Al had helped once.So he ran away from the village, from everything he knew. His family, His friends, His life.He ran until he could run no longer and he slipped and collapsed.
When he opened his eyes the next time he saw that he was in some sort of a hut with an old guy tending to his wounds. Startled he immediately tried to flee, but the old man reassured him that no harm would come his way there. He told him that he was a woodcutter, He made a meagre income to sustain himself and his livestock. After feeling reassured Al decided that he is going to live here now and help the old man. He said to the old man the he doesn't need to do work anymore now that he's here. He asked the old man to bring him a plate or a bowl. The puzzled old man brought him a plate and a glass. Al took the plate and with a proud smile he said "ready the plate, Sir!" and Poof!, The plate was filled with delicious roasted chicken and herb-basted potatoes with the glass filled with the finest beer in the whole kingdom. Dumbstruck the Old man after tasting the food a bit merrily ate the most delicious meal of his life.
After that beautiful meal the old man thanked Al but told him that it's not that he HAS to chop wood. It's just a part of his life and that he loves going to the market and meeting people there. Al confided and decided to go with the old man to the market everyday, because if he wished to live a normal life, he was going to need to learn some basic skills. So the old man took Al as his apprentice and taught him everything that he knew. He found joy in the young boy trying to learn his craft and was happy with his dedication to working.
Slowly as time passed on that young boy became a young adult, with the old man now confined to his hut due to his health. Al took care of everything now, He would make him soup and chop wood to buy medicine from the local apothecary. But as slowly more time passed it became evident that the old man was nearing his end. One day when Al returned from the market he saw the old man lying on the bed, Al quickly rushed to his side where the old man put his hand on Al and told him how much he loved him, about how he was like his son he never had, with tears in his eyes , Al thanked the old man for saving him and as he was thanking he felt the hand of the old man slowly slipping from his shoulders, with the last words by him being about forgiveness and compassion, with Al now again after all these years left without a family. He arranged a proper burial of the old man in the woods where he just sat near his grave thinking what he was going to do next. After all this time he finally had time again to think about his old life his family, his friendss, his old village. He decided to go visit his old village, assured that nobody should be able to recognize him after all these years. He knew that the old greedy king was no more and thus he was able to easily reach his village.
Upon reaching he saw that the village he once knew was no longer there. In it's place was a dilapidated town where everything was dark even the people everyone was mean to everyone else. Nobody laughed or played anymore. As he reached the townsquare he saw a man alone on a stage speaking to the 10-15 people who were there. As Al walked closer to hear what was being said, He was shocked. The person there spoke of Al, about how he had wronged Al when they were just kids, about how Al was the life of the village , about how he was sorry for doing all this to him and about how he has been speaking at that very spot there for years trying to remind the people of that town of the good in their hearts. After hearing all this Al recognised that man to be the kid that wronged him and he started to get angry but then he saw the man take a tray from his pouch and show it to everyone and then shouted,
"Al ! If you are here, know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything that I did to you. If you could find it in your heart please forgive the man that stands in front of you and fill this tray and this town with your magic. Make this town remember its roots again"
After hearing all this Al was fuming with anger.
How could he ? How could he expect forgiveness after ruining his life. Feeling almost disgusted he started to leave but then he remembered the old mans words. He thought about all the good times he has had with him, and he remembered his message about forgiveness and compassion. After a minute of standing still he slowly started making his way towards the stage until he was standing in front of the crowd. The man on the stage a little surprised asked Al
"Who are you ?"
Tearing up he stepped forth , took the tray and with the same proud feeling that he once felt ,smiling gleefully,screamed at the top of his lungs,
"I'm Al, Ready Tray, Sir ! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0887g/there_was_once_a_boy_named_al_who_had_special/
%
Two women go on a night out...

Two women, Mary and Margaret, go on a night out, leaving their husbands at home. After a heavy night of Guinness, and while walking home through a large cemetery they both have a strong urge to relieve themselves. They each pop a squat behind a bush, and after doing the deed Mary calls over "psssst, hey Margaret! How are you going to, you know, wipe your butt?"
Margaret tells her "I'm going to use my underwear and toss them away after, they're my cheap ones so I don't care!"
Mary has a think about it, but she is wearing her best Victoria's Secret panties and doesn't really want to throw them away, so after a lot of debate she very regrettably decides to wipe herself with a wreath from a nearby grave, and then the two continue home.
The following day, their husbands are sitting in the bar. One tells the other "hey bud, I don't think we should let our wives go out together any more. Margaret came home last night with no panties on"
The other tells him "you think that's bad!? My wife came home with a card in her ass saying 'from all the boys at the the station, we're going to miss you'! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a086zm/two_women_go_on_a_night_out/
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My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things...

"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a086l7/my_dads_always_complaining_about_the_cost_of/
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A guy said to God, "Is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a07tpy/a_guy_said_to_god_is_it_true_that_to_you_a/
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The Police arrested 2 kids the other day

One was drinking battery acid the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a07tkt/the_police_arrested_2_kids_the_other_day/
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I’m getting tired of seeing the comment “Hey OP, I banged your mom” every time I post something on Reddit.

I shouldn’t have told Dad what my username is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a07tcd/im_getting_tired_of_seeing_the_comment_hey_op_i/
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There’s a road train in the outback and it hits a wild boar

The driver, seeing a lot of meat on it, puts it in one of the compartments to sell at one of the stops. He sells it to the landlord at a hotel he’s staying at. The next he walks down to the dining room and asks for breakfast. The landlord says
“We’ve got roast pork, barbecued pork, pork sausages, pork burgers, bacon, and pork stew from the boar.”
The driver says
“I’ll have some pork sausage, but first I’d like a glass of water”
The landlord responds “ok but we’ve only got bore water”
The driver says
“ wow you don’t waste anything do you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a07ord/theres_a_road_train_in_the_outback_and_it_hits_a/
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One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits.

Soon he noticed a lion in the distance running towards him with a hungry look in his eye.
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, the dog immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion was about to leap, the old dog exclaimed, "That was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Upon hearing this, the young lion stoped mid-stride and hurried to safety in the trees.
A squirrel who had been watching from a nearby tree, knew the dog's tricks and decided to trade his knowledge for protection from the lion. Catching up with the lion, he explained what happened and struck a deal. The young lion was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
The old dog spied the lion coming with the squirrel on his back. Instead of running, he sat down with his back to the pair, pretending he hadn't seen them yet. When they got close enough tohear, the old dog said, "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a07ntf/one_day_an_old_dog_lost_his_way_while_chasing/
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The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically.

The whole story has been embroidered.   Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a07jjn/the_bayeux_tapestry_is_not_strictly_accurate/
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My Wife Gives Me 100%Sound Advice

99% Sound 1% Advice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a07h9q/my_wife_gives_me_100sound_advice/
%
Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?

Because it has no home button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a07gk4/why_is_an_iphone_x_perfect_for_an_orphan/
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I got this German girls phone number

She was being difficult about it but I eventually got it:
999 999 99 99
(Possible OC)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a07dts/i_got_this_german_girls_phone_number/
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"We've had complaints about you," said my boss.

"What are they?" I asked.
"They're what people make when they aren't happy with something," my boss replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a07dja/weve_had_complaints_about_you_said_my_boss/
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The person who invented knock knock jokes

Should get a nobell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a07crk/the_person_who_invented_knock_knock_jokes/
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It wasn’t me honey, I can explain...

Terry liked to get drunk, too drunk. He was always a mess and often would drink to the point of vomiting. On nights like this he’d come home and his wife would scream at him for showing up drunk and disgusting.  It was weighing on him and he knew his wife would leave him soon if he kept showing up like this, but he just couldn’t kick the sauce...
So one day he was day-drinking at a bar, telling his sob story to the bartender, who told him:
“Look, if you ever get vomit on yourself, just put $20 in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife that some drunk idiot threw up on you, apologized, and then gave you money for dry-cleaning.”
This was a brilliant idea, Terry had a new lease on life. He proceeded to get terribly drunk, he was falling down, stumbling around, and finally it happened. He threw up and got a bunch of it all over his shirt. He waited it out a little and sobered up just enough to speak coherently and went home, sticking to his plan.
Terry finally gets home, his wife is pissed:
“Terry! You bastard! I’m sick of this, I don’t know if I can take any more of this. You come home drunk and smell like shit and I don’t want to deal with it any longer!”
He could see the look in her eyes, he could tell that the woman who he married and loved was disgusted with him. She was going to leave, he had to stop her, and he had an ace up his sleeve.
“Babe! It’s not like that I swear! This old drunk idiot threw up on me at the bar. It was disgusting! But, he felt terrible and gave me $20 to clean my shirt. See? It’s ok.”
He pulled the money from his shirt pocket and showed it to his wife, but she looked puzzled:
“Terry, that’s $40”
He then was filled with deep regret, finally remembering some of the blurry bits of his walk home. He had one play left and went with the only thing his half drunk mind could think of.
“He shit in my pants too”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a07am0/it_wasnt_me_honey_i_can_explain/
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Very few people can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut nowadays.

Then again, very few people cut their own hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a077r8/very_few_people_can_brag_about_getting_a_handjob/
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My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage.

It was a tern for the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a076om/my_local_butcher_switched_to_using_sea_birds_in/
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A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.
She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.
"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.
Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a075h3/a_nurse_in_a_mental_institution_goes_to_check_on/
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I had to close my ghost breeding business

After being convicted of 18 counts of murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a06zg3/i_had_to_close_my_ghost_breeding_business/
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Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people...

kinda like yo mamma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a06ytx/every_yo_mamma_joke_has_been_done_thousands_of/
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A lot of women are starting to turn into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver watch out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a06yps/a_lot_of_women_are_starting_to_turn_into_good/
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How do you save a baby from drowing in the ocean?

Harpoon it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a06yl2/how_do_you_save_a_baby_from_drowing_in_the_ocean/
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What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood ?

Spahgetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a06uxa/what_do_you_call_a_sketchy_italian_neighborhood/
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Given the recent reports of sex workers not paying taxes, we finally know what the word THOT stands for

That Hoe Owes Taxes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a06tt5/given_the_recent_reports_of_sex_workers_not/
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Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "seven points!".
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a06sz7/fart_football/
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Why did the motorcyclist have to pull over to take a nap?

He was 2 tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a06r3k/why_did_the_motorcyclist_have_to_pull_over_to/
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Whats up with all this LGBTQ+ stuff?

Like I get there are more colors, but can't we just stick to **RGB**?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a06qcd/whats_up_with_all_this_lgbtq_stuff/
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Why is r/dankchristianmemes so big but not r/dankmuslimmemes?

I thought it would've blown up by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a06ouo/why_is_rdankchristianmemes_so_big_but_not/
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Did you hear the urban legend about the creepy ghost that appears when you use artificial sweetener?

He's called Splendaman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a06ocq/did_you_hear_the_urban_legend_about_the_creepy/
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Why do they nail coffins shut?

To stop oncologists from ordering another round of chemo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a06ldu/why_do_they_nail_coffins_shut/
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Three men are competing to see who’s the better swordsman.

The first takes his blade, spots a fly flying nearby and says: “watch this”. He then swings at the fly, and the sword cuts it in half!
The second says: “that’s nothing, watch this” and swings with his blade at another fly nearby. The fly immediately falls, and a close inspection reveals its wings were cut off!
The third says: “child’s play, watch this”, and swings his blade at yet another fly. It continues flying as if nothing happened.
Confused, the others turn to him. “But the fly is still flying!”
“Maybe”, replies the third, “but it’s not going to have any more children.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a06kv2/three_men_are_competing_to_see_whos_the_better/
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My girlfriend hasn't touched my dick in so long.

Its schlong overdue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a06epm/my_girlfriend_hasnt_touched_my_dick_in_so_long/
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Once there was a farmer...

Once there was a farmer who worked every day for the last twenty years of his life to provide for his family. He worked very hard and one day, his wife said to him, "you've worked so hard for all of us and we thought we might do something for you." The family had all pitched in to buy him a tractor.
He loved the tractor, and was able to get double the work done in half the time because of it. Everything was amazing, until one day the farmer fell off the tractor and broke his leg. He cursed it, yelling "In twenty years I never hurt myself, until I got this dawn tractor! I swear I'll never use one again!"
An Ambulance took him to the hospital, and his wife sold the tractor to get their money back. A month later, the farmer was released from hospital and was shocked to find his house on fire when he returned home.
He hobbled into the burning house, all the while desperately thinking of how he could save it. He began to panic, but suddenly the solution became obvious to him. He took in one feel breath, and exhaled so hard all the fire was put out and all the smoke blown far away. His wife ran in, asking "How did you do that?"
"I'm an ex-tractor fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0654r/once_there_was_a_farmer/
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Why do rednecks make the best bakers?

Cuz they’re inbred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a064s5/why_do_rednecks_make_the_best_bakers/
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So my friend gave me a copy of Hamlet...

Instead of letters it had numbers. He also gave me a cryptograph to translate it, but said it might be broken. Now all I can wonder to myself is, " is 2 B or not 2 B"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a05y6z/so_my_friend_gave_me_a_copy_of_hamlet/
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What do you call an epileptic vegan who enjoys salads?

I dunno what they're called but they sure do enjoy their Seizure salads alot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a05vs1/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_vegan_who_enjoys/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*cough* *choke* *gargle*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a05mbt/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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Since Hitler missed his goals

shouldn't he be called Flopler?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a05g95/since_hitler_missed_his_goals/
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Dirty Old Man Joke #536

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word, or two?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a05ek7/dirty_old_man_joke_536/
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I'm a Hispanic man and started a family with my Japanese wife.

The kids names are Mikasa and Tsukasa, we're gonna stop visiting my folks for a while because they always laugh at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a05e1b/im_a_hispanic_man_and_started_a_family_with_my/
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"You must be single..."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was Intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a05dj3/you_must_be_single/
%
What is the hardest religion to join?

The diffi-cult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a05d9n/what_is_the_hardest_religion_to_join/
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What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

Banned from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a05d2x/what_do_you_get_if_you_insert_human_dna_into_a/
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Where did Mary go when the bomb went off?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a05cbw/where_did_mary_go_when_the_bomb_went_off/
%
How did Harry Potter get down the hill

Walking.           JK Rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a05bfn/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
To Thrive in life, you need 3 bones.

A Wish Bone, A Back Bone and a Funny Bone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0595e/to_thrive_in_life_you_need_3_bones/
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0583w/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

Tennish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a054dk/what_time_does_sean_connery_go_to_wimbledon/
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A man walks into a bar

He asks for a bottle of whisky, drinks it at once with no problem at all. Everyone is impressed, so they ask  him who he is.
"They call me WhiskyBill."
Another man comes in, takes three darts, and throws three bullseyes in a row. Cheering crowd asks about his whereabouts.
"I happen to be DartBill."
When the door opens again, there is a strange creature coming in. Presumably a human, though with 8 eyes, four arms and three legs. Terrified crowd shouts what the hell he is.
"Hey, call me ChernoBill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04ywp/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do I have in common with olive oil?

We're both extra virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04yqb/what_do_i_have_in_common_with_olive_oil/
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Why is Santa so jolly?

‘Cause he knows where all the naughty girls are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04w7d/why_is_santa_so_jolly/
%
Pencils

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
Because its pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04t0h/pencils/
%
A blind guy walks into Wall Mart past the greeter.

He stops and picks up his dog.
He starts swinging him over his head in a big circle.
The greeter runs over and screams...can I help you??
No no I'm good... I'm just having a look around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04sqk/a_blind_guy_walks_into_wall_mart_past_the_greeter/
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Everyone thought that Obama's Vice President was done with politics after 2016, but now he's considering running for president in 2020.

I guess he was just Biden his time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04s7a/everyone_thought_that_obamas_vice_president_was/
%
Why did the baker ask for money?

He kneaded the dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04qh0/why_did_the_baker_ask_for_money/
%
A Mexican and a Polish guy worked on a construction site.

They were helping build a skyscraper, and they stopped for lunch. They sat down on one of the beams and Jose opened his lunchbox, pulling out its contents.
"A burrito, again?" he exclaimed. "Man, I'm sick of the same old thing! If I get another burrito for lunch tomorrow, I'm gonna jump from this building!"
The Polish guy then opened his lunchbox and pulled out what was inside. "Oh, no! A kielbasa sandwich? If I get another kielbasa sandwich tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building right along with you!"
The next day, the two friends sit down once again on a beam to eat lunch. Jose opens his lunchbox and, much to his dismay, finds another burrito.
"Viva Mexico!" he says, and leaps from the building to his death.
The Polish guy then opens his lunchbox and pulls out, you guessed it, a kielbasa sandwich. "Goodbye cruel world!" he yells, and leaps to his death as well.
Since the two men were very good friends, their families elected to hold their funerals together. Their wives came together in their grief.
"Oh, Jose! He never told me he didn't like burritos! I could have made him something else, and he'd still be alive today!" wailed Jose's wife.
"There's nothing I could have done," said the Polish guy's wife. "Stanley always packed his own lunches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04pk7/a_mexican_and_a_polish_guy_worked_on_a/
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My contraceptive method is 100 percent effective.

I just use my personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04pdr/my_contraceptive_method_is_100_percent_effective/
%
Whats green and gets smoked in bowls?

Notre Dame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04noc/whats_green_and_gets_smoked_in_bowls/
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What's the difference between the President of the United States and the management staff of a Los Angeles baseball team?

One of them drafts Dodgers. The other dodges drafts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04k6p/whats_the_difference_between_the_president_of_the/
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Why was the CEO of a leading prosthetics company arrested?

It came out that he was involved in international arms dealing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04j9q/why_was_the_ceo_of_a_leading_prosthetics_company/
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What do you call a chameleon that can’t change color?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04hao/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_that_cant_change/
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Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04h8v/instead_of_a_swear_jar_i_have_a_negativity_jar/
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Did you hear about the baby that was born with no eyelids?

The surgeon had to use the baby's foreskin and turn it into eyelids.
The procedure went well, he just turned out a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04dhh/did_you_hear_about_the_baby_that_was_born_with_no/
%
My wife went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite

When she got home, I realized she picked 7 up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04czy/my_wife_went_to_the_store_to_get_6_cans_of_sprite/
%
What do you call a dinosaur with asthma?

A bronchiosaurus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04clz/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_with_asthma/
%
I hate One Direction fans.

I prefer the ones that go back and forth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04cf2/i_hate_one_direction_fans/
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What's the difference between a joke, and 3 dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04bg4/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_3_dicks/
%
What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A Labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04b86/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_can_do_magic/
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My wife is divorcing me because I’m obsessed with Football coaching.

In my defence, I have J.J.Watt, Michael Bennett, and Richard Sherman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04awl/my_wife_is_divorcing_me_because_im_obsessed_with/
%
My wife hates the fact that we never have visitors.

I never would have guest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a046yh/my_wife_hates_the_fact_that_we_never_have_visitors/
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I said to the doctor that I felt short and depressed

He reminded me that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a045vd/i_said_to_the_doctor_that_i_felt_short_and/
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An old woman goes to the doctor

And says "doc I'm constantly farting but they don't smell and they're completely silent. In fact I've farted three times since I've been in here."
The doctor says,"take these pills for a week and come back to see me."
A week goes by and the woman returns. "Doc, I don't know what you did but now my farts smell terrible. They're still silent though."
The doctor says,"I fixed your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a045qp/an_old_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
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A minister checks into a hotel and says to the receptionist, "I would like the porn in my room to be disabled"

The receptionist responds, "We only have regular porn, you sick fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a044qm/a_minister_checks_into_a_hotel_and_says_to_the/
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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seat belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a044bs/what_gets_longer_if_pulled_fits_snugly_between/
%
"i" before "e"

except after "Old MacDonald had a farm".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a04377/i_before_e/
%
You might be a redneck..

..if you happen to be a french nobleman in the 1790s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a042vp/you_might_be_a_redneck/
%
Showed the wife some Japanese porn...

She said, "I haven't seen a cunt that blurry since you stole my glasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a03z33/showed_the_wife_some_japanese_porn/
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Buying my girl an engagement ring was a lot like getting new tires for the truck..

Even though she looks the same, she rode much better afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a03wwc/buying_my_girl_an_engagement_ring_was_a_lot_like/
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What is the best thing about Switzerland?

I'm not too sure, but the flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a03uzq/what_is_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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What did the epileptic have for lunch?

A Chicken Seizure Salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a03ujk/what_did_the_epileptic_have_for_lunch/
%
What's the difference between the US and the UK?

In the USA, the husband is glad to see his wife lose a few pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a03sqr/whats_the_difference_between_the_us_and_the_uk/
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Have you ever heard the joke about the grandpa?

It's a pretty old one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a03fpl/have_you_ever_heard_the_joke_about_the_grandpa/
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When 3 people have sex, it's a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it's a twosome.

Now I understand why they call you handsome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a03e8v/when_3_people_have_sex_its_a_threesome_when_2/
%
A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.
Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a03dym/a_confused_young_man_was_in_a_difficult_situation/
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It’s Bob’s first day in prison

.
After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.
Puzzled, Bob asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."
Bob says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."
"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"
Bob stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.
Bob sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.
"What happened?" he asks.
The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a03dne/its_bobs_first_day_in_prison/
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What’s the worst thing you can ask in a gay bar?

Can I push your stool in?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a03d9t/whats_the_worst_thing_you_can_ask_in_a_gay_bar/
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After my wife died,

I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.  But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a03bya/after_my_wife_died/
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One person says, "do you want to hear a joke about sodium?"

The other person says, "Na".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a03apq/one_person_says_do_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about/
%
About a month before he died, we covered my uncle's back in grease and lard

He went downhill fast after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a03apj/about_a_month_before_he_died_we_covered_my_uncles/
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Superman walks into a bar with Batman, the Flash, Wonder Woman and Aquaman

He walk up to the bar and orders 5 whiskeys on the rocks.
“Would you like any coke or a slice of lemon in those?” asks the barmaid.
“No thanks,” says Superman, “we’re the just ice league!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a03ane/superman_walks_into_a_bar_with_batman_the_flash/
%
How does a penguin make its house?

Igloos it together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a038vm/how_does_a_penguin_make_its_house/
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A little 6 year-old boy won't talk.

His Mother takes him to the doctor, who says,"He's fine. Just give him time."
A couple months later, his Mother takes him to a Child Psychologist, who says, "He's fine. Just give him time."
A couple months later, his Mother is cooking his breakfast and she accidentally burns his toast. Scraping the burnt toast over the sink, She thinks to herself, "He'll never know the difference". And she serves the toast.
Aa she turns back to the sink, the little boy says,"This damn toast is burnt!"
Shocked, the Mother turns and says,"What did you say?"
"This damn toast is burnt!"
She says,"Omigod! You're talking! What happened? Why did you take so long to talk?"
"Up till now, everything was OK."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a035e2/a_little_6_yearold_boy_wont_talk/
%
It's pretty awful how we treat horses in society...

... I mean they're literally the glue that holds our world together!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a035bb/its_pretty_awful_how_we_treat_horses_in_society/
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William Shakespeare did not pioneer the modern form of a play

While the format of act 1, then a break, then act 2 was used by Shakespeare it originally came from Spain.
It was initially unpopular in Spain as people were confused by the break in the play as no one expects the *Spanish intermission*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a033gn/william_shakespeare_did_not_pioneer_the_modern/
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I heard that Chris Brown entered a Rihanna look-alike competition.

I thought he was insane, but you know what they say.  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a030id/i_heard_that_chris_brown_entered_a_rihanna/
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A man dressed in saran wrap walked into a psychiatrist’s office

Before he could speak the doc said, “I can clearly see your nuts”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a02sus/a_man_dressed_in_saran_wrap_walked_into_a/
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The innocents of kids. Adult version

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.  The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.  The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.  Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.  His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a02qu6/the_innocents_of_kids_adult_version/
%
Do you know why scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a02q6z/do_you_know_why_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_off/
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What's the worst part about eating vegetables?

Getting them back in the wheelchair once you're done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a02okr/whats_the_worst_part_about_eating_vegetables/
%
How do you punish a pet rock?

You hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a02jjd/how_do_you_punish_a_pet_rock/
%
I remember when I first started using drugs, I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two, then before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed. For a stronger buzz, I moved onto ecstasy...

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.
I was a complete mess.
I was toast and my body was ruined.
But fuck me, what a night...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a02ie8/i_remember_when_i_first_started_using_drugs_i_was/
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Remember, there's no ‘I’ in ‘denial’.

No there isn't.
Shut up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a02icm/remember_theres_no_i_in_denial/
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Do you have vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.  The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a02i4y/do_you_have_vagina/
%
Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right

But two Wrights make an airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a02fmo/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
%
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it’s the scenter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a022r0/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
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My roommate got a job with health insurance.

Now I finally know what it feels like to be in a friends with benefits situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a01xfb/my_roommate_got_a_job_with_health_insurance/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a01xbm/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Wait, hold on, how do we know it's not supposed to be that way?  We've only been looking at that bulb for 2 years, and the scientists who say we need to replace it are probably working for the light bulb industry.  Also, yesterday it was on!  Why do we need to do anything if it's different day to day?
I'm just saying, we need more data...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a01s9p/how_many_republicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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When Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history...

Is it called genealogy or geology?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a01s6q/when_dwayne_johnson_is_studying_his_family_history/
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I'm thinking of opening a shop which sells used artificial limbs

Call it the second hand second hand store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a01s3o/im_thinking_of_opening_a_shop_which_sells_used/
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I watched a McDonalds ad the other day....

Nothing but hamburgoise propaganda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a01rkk/i_watched_a_mcdonalds_ad_the_other_day/
%
What did the pencil say to the sharpener?

Quit going in circles and get to the point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a01qhm/what_did_the_pencil_say_to_the_sharpener/
%
Why did the priest skip Thanksgiving leftovers?

He decided to quit cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a01olu/why_did_the_priest_skip_thanksgiving_leftovers/
%
When did Japanese people start eating eggs?

A long tamago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a01ee6/when_did_japanese_people_start_eating_eggs/
%
How do you exercise caution?

A dreadmill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a01df6/how_do_you_exercise_caution/
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Irish Toast

John O’ Reilly was at the local pub ...
He  hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.
"Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a01dcp/irish_toast/
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Why couldn't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

They're both cauldron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a01ccq/why_couldnt_harry_potter_tell_the_difference/
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Women's Friends Vs. Men's Friends

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a019yv/womens_friends_vs_mens_friends/
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Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0195b/why_is_ea_the_worst_gaming_company_in_america/
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I'm not sure faith can move mountains...

But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a011ky/im_not_sure_faith_can_move_mountains/
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What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady

but you would never know because he can't stand up?﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0114h/what_if_stephen_hawking_was_the_real_slim_shady/
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What do you call someone who is bigoted against scientists and engineers?

Anti-STEMitic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a010iy/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_bigoted_against/
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Talking Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars" the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0107m/talking_dog_for_sale/
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First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting.
When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a00ywt/firstyear_veterinary_students_were_attending/
%
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a00xut/sometimes_it_is_very_important_if_a_sentence_was/
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A man went into a brothel...

While he’s visited a few of the houses in his city, he decided he would try one he’s never been too.
After a short conversation with the head mistress, she knew just the woman to fill his needs. “We have any type of girl you could ever want here, but I know who you would love. We call her Hurricane Lulu.”
Intrigued, he asks about her. What she looks like, what she specializes in and most of all. Why they call her Hurricane Lulu?
The head mistress says that he has to wait to find out, and she was waiting for him in the room at the very end of the hallway.
So he walks back and through the door into a dimly lit room, and a voice says from the bathroom to make himself comfortable, and that she would be out soon.
When she comes out she’s a very tall woman with huge breasts, wearing nothing but a grass skirt, and before he even has time to be excited she takes off running across the room and jumps through the air and lands on top of him, and starts blowing and whistling in his face as hard as she can.
Confused the man ask “umm excuse me miss.. what’s are you doing?” “Those are the winds of a hurricane!” She says. Before he has time to respond she rears back and starts hitting him in the face with her huge breasts.
He gets away from her long enough to yell “what are you doing now!?” “Oh honey.. those are the coconuts falling from the trees hitting you from the strong winds of the hurricane!” She says.
By now he’s getting frustrated, but before he can say anything else she gets up on all fours and starts pissing all over him!
He runs to the other side of the room and she says “and that’s the warm rain from the hurricane!”
So he starts putting his clothes on, and gathering up his things. Lulu says “Wait! Where are you going!?”
And as he’s walking out he says. “I’m leaving! Who the hell can fuck in this kinda weather!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a00wsc/a_man_went_into_a_brothel/
%
Three dwarves are lost, and have no food left.

Somehow, they make it to a giant’s house. Despite knowing that some giants eat dwarves, they are so starving that they decide to try their luck.
After knocking in the door, the giant’s kindly wife opens the door. She lets them in and prepares food for them, but warns them they will have to go before her husband comes home.
While eating, they hear the husband coming! The wife, thinking quickly, puts them inside three sacks on the wall that were supposed to contain the giant’s food.
The husband bursts through the door, insisting he smells tasty dwarves. The wife quickly denies it, but he is still suspicious, so he searches the house. He finally gets to the three sacks on the wall, and kicks the first.
“Moooooo!” The first dwarf cries, convincing the giant a cow is inside. He then kicks the second sack.
“Baaaaaa!” The second dwarf cries, convincing the giant a sheep is inside.
He then turns to the third sack and kicks it.
No response. He kicks the sack again. No sound. He kicks the sack one final time. At that point, the third dwarf sticks his face out and shouts:
“I’M A GODDAMN FISH, YOU MORON!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a00w88/three_dwarves_are_lost_and_have_no_food_left/
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This year, Starbucks are issuing a new cup size for Christmas.

It's called the Adventi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a00rxz/this_year_starbucks_are_issuing_a_new_cup_size/
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I’m a thief and I broke in someone’s house

Front door was open so I easily got in. Stole their gadgets and some jewelry. On my way out, I accidentally hit a table and made some noise. Owner got up with his gun in hand and saw me right at the front door as I get out and immediately shot at me. I ran for my life while hoping to not get hit.
He ran out of bullets.
Also cant chase me because he’s too fat.
He then proceeded yelling “thief” to alert the neighbours.
No one seemed to care.
When I got to a safe distance I yelled back at him saying “Better lock next time!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a00rd1/im_a_thief_and_i_broke_in_someones_house/
%
What's Hitler's favorite letter?

Not Z.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a00qg4/whats_hitlers_favorite_letter/
%
I was explaining puns to my 8yo kid and we collaborated on a new joke

What’s another term for a reading lamp?
A TALE LIGHT!
.
.
.
.
*I submitted this last night and stupidly included some emojis in the body of the post, so it was removed. Hope you guys don't mind a resubmission!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a00okp/i_was_explaining_puns_to_my_8yo_kid_and_we/
%
What resolution do Mexican movie theaters show movies in?

Por que.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a00kjh/what_resolution_do_mexican_movie_theaters_show/
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Tits are like onions

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" said the boy "Yes, see them and they make you cry." the father replied This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree " "A Christmas tree?" said the daughter "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a00j99/tits_are_like_onions/
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Here's a joke only anti-vaxxers will get:

Polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a00fp0/heres_a_joke_only_antivaxxers_will_get/
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A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”
“For how much?” The businessman asks.
“1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.
“1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessman shouts, getting angry at the audacity of the old man, but the other interrupts him.
“I understand your thoughts” the old man says quickly, “ but you see, this is a magic lamp. It has a genie inside it. Three wishes per person, no less!”
“Oh, really? Show me, then” The businessman says mockingly.
“Well, of course. I saved my last wish just for this” the old man smiles as he rubs the lamp. To the businessman’s surprise, a genie really pops out!
“What is your third wish, master?” The genie says majestically. The old man grins at the businessman’s mesmerized face before making his last wish. “A mug of coffee, please.”
The genie snaps his fingers, and a mug of coffee appears before the old man. The businessman stares slack-jawed at the mug as the genie disappears. The old man smiles. “Well?”
“I’ll buy it” The businessman replies immediately, writing him a cheque, taking the lamp and leaving before the old man can change his mind.
After getting home, the businessman runs the lamp hopefully, and sure enough, the genie appears.
“What is your first wish, mas-” The genie starts, before being interrupted by the businessman.
“I wish for all the money I gave the old man, as well as a new yacht, a mansion and a limousine!” The businessman blurts out quickly.
The genie stares at the businessman for a few seconds, then says awkwardly:
“M-my apologies master, I only serve coffee and tea.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a00fjg/a_rich_businessman_enters_a_bar_and_announces_hes/
%
A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of  the situation and left him for good.
Moral of the story: You can't have  your Kate and Edith too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a00blr/a_confused_young_man_was_in_a_difficult_situation/
%
What’s the difference between a refrigerator and a black man?

A refrigerator doesn’t get shot for running

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0080o/whats_the_difference_between_a_refrigerator_and_a/
%
Why do cells always fail math?

They multiply by dividing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a007zf/why_do_cells_always_fail_math/
%
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use are names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a0077p/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_for_my_number/
%
Today I repaired my laptop with camouflage duct tape.

Now all of my browsing will be incognito

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a002qo/today_i_repaired_my_laptop_with_camouflage_duct/
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Which type of liquor does Santa Claus smell like?

It depends on which mall you're at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zzzsl/which_type_of_liquor_does_santa_claus_smell_like/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing brunette and an old lady are sharing a coach on a train as it winds its way through the mountains.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the brunette and she struck the pervert.”
The brunette thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the brunette in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zzy6b/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_brunette/
%
According to experts, I've heard that marijuana can stop seizures...

And now, according to the CDC, romaine lettuce can stop Caesar's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zzxx1/according_to_experts_ive_heard_that_marijuana_can/
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Two elephants in the wild come across a naked man.

After a bit of thinking one elephant turns to the other and says "How the hell is he supposed to eat with THAT?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zzulb/two_elephants_in_the_wild_come_across_a_naked_man/
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Dj Khalid's favourite number is 11

cause there is another 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zzqn3/dj_khalids_favourite_number_is_11/
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I'm pretty bad at building fences

Oops, wrong place for this post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zznss/im_pretty_bad_at_building_fences/
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My ex-wife had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh.

When you put your ear up to it, you could smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zzkgj/my_exwife_had_a_tattoo_of_a_seashell_on_her_inner/
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Two Romans were talking with each other

Roman 1: Hey what year are we living in?
Roman 2: 50 BC
Roman 1: What’s BC?
Roman 2: Before Christ
Roman 1: Who’s Christ?
Roman 2: I have no clue man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zzjak/two_romans_were_talking_with_each_other/
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Lost your phone and it’s on silent?

Well, if you liked it you should’ve put a ring on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zzfta/lost_your_phone_and_its_on_silent/
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What did the client ask the conflicted, silent pimp?

“Penny for your thots?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zzdjb/what_did_the_client_ask_the_conflicted_silent_pimp/
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GRAPE! GRAPE! GRAPE!

- Don't you mean 'RAPE'?!
No! There was a bunch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zzcz0/grape_grape_grape/
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executioner: any last words?

prisoner: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
prisoner: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
prisoner: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
prisoner: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
prisoner: I beg your pardon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zz8lu/executioner_any_last_words/
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For me sex is like a game

I watch videos of it online cause I can't afford it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zz8ju/for_me_sex_is_like_a_game/
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He was a dyed-in-the-wool Tory and she was a militant Labour radical, but they fell madly in love anyway.

And after a whirlwind romance they tied the nuptial knot at a dream wedding. Unfortunately, in the car from the reception to the honeymoon hotel, they unwisely started talking about politics, and the talk escalated into an argument and then a blazing row, and by the time they had checked into the room they were no longer speaking to each other.
She went to bed while he grabbed a spare blanket and went to settle down on the sofa. But after a while she started to feel sorry for the whole silly situation, because after all it was their wedding night and they were ruining it.
So she cooed softly, "Darling... there's a split in the Labour party, and if the Conservative member stood now, he'd get in easily."
And he growled back, "You're too late! He already stood as an independent and lost his deposit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zz7jk/he_was_a_dyedinthewool_tory_and_she_was_a/
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I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.

The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zz4ym/i_bought_a_book_about_the_dangers_of_deforestation/
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Why are Nazis good at math?

They know the final solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zz44x/why_are_nazis_good_at_math/
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A drill Sargent is yelling at a bunch of Privates:

If you don't wear your hat when it's cold, you can get meningitis! Meningitis is a terrible disease! If you get it, you either die or become a retard! My brother and I had it! He died, but I was lucky!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zz0xw/a_drill_sargent_is_yelling_at_a_bunch_of_privates/
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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar...

And checks his clock.
"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" - Thinks to himself.
But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.
"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up"
So he asks the barman for a coffe, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder.
At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out.
The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him:
-So... how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?
The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool:
-Not really, just hanging with some coworkers... we didn't drink much... just a couple of beers.
The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds:
-The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zz0gw/a_man_has_been_drinking_alone_all_day_at_a_bar/
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If you think nobody cares that you are alive

Try missing a few payments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zyxml/if_you_think_nobody_cares_that_you_are_alive/
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"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zyurj/mom_dont_freak_out_but_im_in_the_hospital/
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EA walks in a bar

*Unlock this punchline for $9.99*
*for $14.99 more you can also unlock correct grammar*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zylif/ea_walks_in_a_bar/
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The day after Thanksgiving someone wished me Happy Turkey Recovery Day

Sorry to burst your bubble, but those turkeys aren't recovering from yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zykxh/the_day_after_thanksgiving_someone_wished_me/
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Just read a review of Orion’s Belt.

Three stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zyj04/just_read_a_review_of_orions_belt/
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A son was talking to parents.

Son: "Mom, Dad I'm gay."
Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
Son: "No dad, I'm serious"
Dad: "Serious? I thought you were gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zyibu/a_son_was_talking_to_parents/
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There was a gentleman living in a small village

Who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.
Well,  there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But  low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who  had recently given birth and was willing to help him out--for a price.
The  man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman  had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to  their fate.
The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to  suckle the woman's breast.
Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.
One  day, the woman realized that the man's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous  voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?"
The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, "Yeah, got any cookies?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zyf24/there_was_a_gentleman_living_in_a_small_village/
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Elderly Couple

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.
Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They  discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man  decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial  relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused . . . then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zyegr/elderly_couple/
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I got fired from sperm bank today

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zychw/i_got_fired_from_sperm_bank_today/
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?

He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zy3to/what_does_a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac_do_at/
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E COLI OUTBREAK

Because of the E coli outbreak with romaine, convicts are abstaining from tossing anyone's salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zy2yd/e_coli_outbreak/
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Heisenberg was speeding down the highway

A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you  were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zy2mh/heisenberg_was_speeding_down_the_highway/
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People ask me how it's like to be a professional yoyo player

I tell them it has its ups and downs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zy1hn/people_ask_me_how_its_like_to_be_a_professional/
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Why did the wife of the illiterate well-endowed man want a divorce?

TL;DR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zy1hc/why_did_the_wife_of_the_illiterate_wellendowed/
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Brain cells fry at how many degrees?

Just 1: your college degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zxyh7/brain_cells_fry_at_how_many_degrees/
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What does Hitler call his job

Minecraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zxwp8/what_does_hitler_call_his_job/
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I noticed a gorgeous woman in a green dress.

But she wasn't interested. My green dress probably put her off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zxrx4/i_noticed_a_gorgeous_woman_in_a_green_dress/
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My wife came back from her holiday with the girls.

"How have you been?" she asked.
I said, "I spent a week in bed with flu."
"Oh, that sounds terrible," she replied.
I said, "Or her name might have been Flo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zxq71/my_wife_came_back_from_her_holiday_with_the_girls/
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Maybe the only way to join Illuminati..

Is to buy WinRAR License?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zxmcn/maybe_the_only_way_to_join_illuminati/
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Double negatives are positives

Ain't nothin' right about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zxhe4/double_negatives_are_positives/
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I stopped at the traffic lights and looked at the guy next to me.

It was on, I could see the fury in his eyes. I waited for the lights to change.
"Let's race," I mouthed to him.
Then the guy said, "stop fucking around and press the button."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zxe3h/i_stopped_at_the_traffic_lights_and_looked_at_the/
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Stanley the Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for his driver's license and the first thing they had him do was take an eyesight test. The optician showed him the chart with the letters, "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z."

"Can you read this?" asked the optician.
Excitedly, Stanley yelled, "Read it?! I know the guy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zxcn3/stanley_the_polish_immigrant_went_to_the_dmv_to/
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What do you call it when a cannibal's guests leave the dinner party?

a bowel movement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zx5nv/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_cannibals_guests_leave/
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I didn't like my girlfriend at first.

Until she told me she was a conservative, then I knew everything would be all right.
^(\*This is not meant to be political, it is just a joke.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zx5ca/i_didnt_like_my_girlfriend_at_first/
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I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot

I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zx3zw/ive_always_wondered_if_it_was_easy_to_catch/
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What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After 5 years your job is still going to suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zx200/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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OBgyn: I will be delivering your baby boy.

Mom to be: Actually, I prefer that he keeps his liver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zx1g5/obgyn_i_will_be_delivering_your_baby_boy/
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Ole Blue

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue
in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot
that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zwylk/ole_blue/
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Psychiatrist: *tips fedora at depressed patient*

"M'lancholy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zwycw/psychiatrist_tips_fedora_at_depressed_patient/
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Where does a 300 pounds gorilla sit?

Where he wants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zwx25/where_does_a_300_pounds_gorilla_sit/
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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.

Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”
“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way...
“Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”
“The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief.
“Ahh, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zwvh9/a_bright_young_graduate_joined_the_internal/
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Why was the king a foot tall?

Because he was a ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zwvey/why_was_the_king_a_foot_tall/
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How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

You Poke ‘em on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zwoa2/how_do_you_get_pikachu_on_a_bus/
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Tampax are considering using tinsel instead of string

Just for the Christmas period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zwnm6/tampax_are_considering_using_tinsel_instead_of/
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A man walks into a psychiatrist naked wrapped in plastic wrap

The psychiatrist says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zwmkv/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrist_naked_wrapped_in/
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Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?

Talk about head over heels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zwif6/did_you_hear_about_the_girl_so_in_love_shed/
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For me, sex is like a game

Single player

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zwgej/for_me_sex_is_like_a_game/
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You will regret mixing flour and butter.

You will roux the day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zwevp/you_will_regret_mixing_flour_and_butter/
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What do you call fake feces?

Shampoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zwe5f/what_do_you_call_fake_feces/
%
Why can communists never drive?

Their cars are always Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zwdrh/why_can_communists_never_drive/
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Wait...

Fireflies are just the opposite of Waterfalls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zw942/wait/
%
A blind man and a girl

was making out. The man’s hand wandered in the girl’s bra and touched her nipples. Suddenly the blind man took the bra off and sucked her nipples real hard.
Moaning the girl asked - how did you know it was begging to get sucked.
The blind man replied - oh! I know Braille.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zw8ln/a_blind_man_and_a_girl/
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My wife wasn't happy with me when I called her a 10...

I mean, there was no way she was gonna fit in that size 8 dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zw67b/my_wife_wasnt_happy_with_me_when_i_called_her_a_10/
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You thought what United did to that doctor was bad?

Just wait till you see what Reddit did to a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zw5wq/you_thought_what_united_did_to_that_doctor_was_bad/
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I haven't had sex in so long,

I just went for a jog in my flip flops to remember the sound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zw5ms/i_havent_had_sex_in_so_long/
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What do you get

When a Delorean crashes into a policebooth?
A pair-of-docs!
Ba-dun tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zvy2y/what_do_you_get/
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Yo mama so fat...

she doesn’t have corn rows, she has crop circles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zvs46/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
5 pieces of advice to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores.
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook.
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with.
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you.
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zvpdu/5_pieces_of_advice_to_men_for_a_happy_life/
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A man walks into bar

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman “if I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”
Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says “sure , Impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!”
So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well.
The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing !
The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and asks "where did you find him?"
“Well “says the man, “I found this magic lamp”. Goes back in to the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp.
“I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness”
“Wow” says the barman.
The man then says “as you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp”
“Be careful what you wish for tho”
So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish………
Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!!
The barman shouts at the man saying” I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!“
To this the man replies ” And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?! “
Note: yeah it’s an old one but it made me laugh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zvnim/a_man_walks_into_bar/
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My teacher told me two negatives make a positive..but two positives never make a negative

_yeah right_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zvhzu/my_teacher_told_me_two_negatives_make_a/
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I was the comedic host at a banquet for sword swallowers when a food fight broke out...

I killed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zvgmf/i_was_the_comedic_host_at_a_banquet_for_sword/
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What would Mary Poppins call Gandhi if she ever met him?

A Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zvg0i/what_would_mary_poppins_call_gandhi_if_she_ever/
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How many Hispanics does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?

Just Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zvdhs/how_many_hispanics_does_it_take_to_unscrew_a/
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What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky: You use a feather.
Perverted: You use the whole chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zvca8/whats_the_difference_between_kinky_and_perverted/
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How can you tell a snowman from a snow woman?

Snow balls.
Yes. This is an old one. It's probably appeared here a million times. But it will be new to someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zvbgz/how_can_you_tell_a_snowman_from_a_snow_woman/
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An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.
The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do you want to be the man or the wife?"
The accountant felt a wave of relief and answered, "I"ll be the man."
His cell mate licks his lips, and says, "Perfect. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zvapy/an_accountant_found_guilty_of_embezzlement_was/
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So I get home yesterday

and my dog is laying on my deck covered in mud and has a rabbit in his mouth. He's not bloody, just dirty.
Now, my neighbors raise rabbits for 4H and have blue ribbon winners.
I instantly knew it was one of theirs.
So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash all the dirt off and before my neighbors got home I took it over, put him back in the cage and went back home.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming....
So I go out and say... What's wrong???? Play it up etc.....
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
I think they're gonna move......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zvabm/so_i_get_home_yesterday/
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If I go around spanking statues,

Does that mean I've hit rock bottom?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zv87a/if_i_go_around_spanking_statues/
%
2 guys had to catch a 5 am flight.

But they didn't have a watch with them. So the guy asks his friend, what do we do?
His friend says follow my lead. He starts singing loudly, at the top of his voice.
After some time, one of the neighbors yells - dude, let us fucking sleep. It's 1:30 am already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zv7bq/2_guys_had_to_catch_a_5_am_flight/
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Just heard there's a nudists convention next week.

I might go if I've got nothing on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zv70i/just_heard_theres_a_nudists_convention_next_week/
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My lady friend was thinking of smuggling some Mexican Romaine into the US due to the outbreak.

It's not a terrible idea, but I'm afraid that if she's caught they'll have to Caesar at the border.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zv4qp/my_lady_friend_was_thinking_of_smuggling_some/
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why are the french so good at bowling

they always strike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zv3nl/why_are_the_french_so_good_at_bowling/
%
What's green, fuzzy, and hurts when it falls from a tree?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zv2vy/whats_green_fuzzy_and_hurts_when_it_falls_from_a/
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My 85 year old uncle woke up with a stiffy

He said "Look honey, I got a woody".
My aunt replied, "Good, let's clean it while he got the wrinkles out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zuwh9/my_85_year_old_uncle_woke_up_with_a_stiffy/
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You know how birds fly in a V. Do you know why one side is normally longer than the other?

Generally, it is because there are more birds on that side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zukx8/you_know_how_birds_fly_in_a_v_do_you_know_why_one/
%
What’s the one thing common between Scarlet Witch and Daredevil ?

Both of them lost their vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zukrj/whats_the_one_thing_common_between_scarlet_witch/
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What does my dad and the 18th element of the periodic table have in common?

They both argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zuklx/what_does_my_dad_and_the_18th_element_of_the/
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Trump and Obama in a Barber Shop

Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?"
Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zujyp/trump_and_obama_in_a_barber_shop/
%
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

Perhaps I shouldn't have pursued a career as a tour guide...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zujuy/as_i_get_older_and_remember_all_the_people_ive/
%
I was at my buddy's bachelor party, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it!" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realized the prank the bastards were trying to pull...

Budweiser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zujbp/i_was_at_my_buddys_bachelor_party_when_him_and/
%
All genders walk into a bar

and take table for two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zu266/all_genders_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A dude has been going around town with his balls covered in glitter

It's pretty nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ztzl2/a_dude_has_been_going_around_town_with_his_balls/
%
A back woods West Virgina man gets engaged.

He rushes home to tell his dad.
"Pa! I met me a woman and we's gonna marry!" His dad replies, "Well, tell me 'bout her!" The son says, "She's beautiful, nice, an a virgin!" At the news the father is visibly upset, "No you ain't gon marry you no virgin! If she ain't good nuff fer her family, she sure as hell ain't good nuff for ours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ztz1u/a_back_woods_west_virgina_man_gets_engaged/
%
What do cars and Scientology have in common?

Cruise control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ztxtd/what_do_cars_and_scientology_have_in_common/
%
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

"It might take me a minute to get hard... I just got laid this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ztxqo/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_pot_of_boiling_water/
%
Pope Francis meets with President Trump

After their private meeting, the president walks outside to the media and announces “It was a great meeting. Terrific. The very best. Pope Francis and I were in total agreement on 70% of the issues we discussed.”
Then Pope Francis walks outside looking dejected. A reporter asks “Your Holiness, why so glum? President Trump says you were in total agreement on 70% of the issues you discussed.”
Pope Francis replies “We were discussing the Ten Commandments.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ztusk/pope_francis_meets_with_president_trump/
%
BB Hungry?

No, BB-8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ztjdm/bb_hungry/
%
How do you make a coffee maker cry?

With a very dark roast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ztieg/how_do_you_make_a_coffee_maker_cry/
%
A man goes to the doctor for an STI test.

When it’s time for the results, he says to the doctor, “Give it to me straight doc”, to which the doctor replies, “That’s impossible, we’re both men”. They both share a laugh. Then the doctor adds, “Besides, I don’t want AIDS”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ztf8e/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_an_sti_test/
%
2 chemists walk into a bar.

One asks for H2O, and the other one asks for some water. The bartender passes two glasses of water down the bar.
"Why did you have to say water like that?" asks the second chemist. The other one is sad that his assassination plan did not work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zt94v/2_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zt84c/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
You should’ve seen their faces when I showed up as Donald Duck at the office Christmas party.

Yeah I had no pants, no self control and I came with three kids that weren’t mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zt83y/you_shouldve_seen_their_faces_when_i_showed_up_as/
%
What's worse than a cardboard box?

Paper tits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zt2da/whats_worse_than_a_cardboard_box/
%
Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man is to lick his ear for 10 minutes.

Personally, I think it’s nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zszv8/sex_therapists_claim_that_the_most_effective_way/
%
Two Holes in One

Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."
"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."
"Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole.
"Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"
"Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zsy1y/two_holes_in_one/
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What do you call a dwarf psychic on the run?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zsw05/what_do_you_call_a_dwarf_psychic_on_the_run/
%
Where do poor meatballs live?

The spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zsvtj/where_do_poor_meatballs_live/
%
Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zsvah/is_it_safe_to_eat_salad_yet/
%
What do you call an Asian who spills his latte on his pants?

Chai knees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zsv9h/what_do_you_call_an_asian_who_spills_his_latte_on/
%
whats so good about thin strips of cheese?

I don't know. It's just grate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zsubi/whats_so_good_about_thin_strips_of_cheese/
%
I thought I was about to get lucky in Thailand

A lass it was not to be

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zstvr/i_thought_i_was_about_to_get_lucky_in_thailand/
%
A pyromaniac, sadist, zooaphile, necrophile, massicist, and a cat are in a room...

The sadist remarks: let’s torture the cat!
The pyro says: let’s torture the cat and then set it on fire!
The zooaphile says: let’s torture the cat, then have sex with it, then set it on fire!
The necrophile says: let’s torture the cat, then have sex with it, then set it on fire, then have sex with it again!
The massacist says: meow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zstug/a_pyromaniac_sadist_zooaphile_necrophile/
%
Heard the joke about Midas?

It was pure gold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zsr6m/heard_the_joke_about_midas/
%
Russian bots on Tinder always match with me...

Are they attempting to meddle the erections?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zsq6w/russian_bots_on_tinder_always_match_with_me/
%
The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zspmh/the_spitting_cobras_venom_can_make_you_go_blind/
%
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm President Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zsp3h/president_donald_trump_and_his_driver_were/
%
Karl Marx started a fight at school

it was a class struggle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zsnnb/karl_marx_started_a_fight_at_school/
%
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"
Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zsmq5/wife_was_cleaning_12_year_old_sons_bedroom/
%
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused.
He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zsiom/several_years_ago_andy_was_sentenced_to_prison/
%
My girlfriend is always covered in bruises, because she doesn't listen

I'm always telling her "You're about to run into that table"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zs8s2/my_girlfriend_is_always_covered_in_bruises/
%
What's the difference between Putin and a Mummy?

One's old and lifeless, the other's cold and wifeless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zs5ex/whats_the_difference_between_putin_and_a_mummy/
%
I overheard a man in the changing room

I was in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a phone rings. The guy next to me answers it while he was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I instantly thought, "What a smug bastard!"
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the Metrocentre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£90,000"
MAN: "Ok but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000".
MAN: "Well, then go ahead but come in at £900,000. They will probably take it but if not, we'll have to do £950,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zs2nr/i_overheard_a_man_in_the_changing_room/
%
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex

The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex in missionary position. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zs2k6/a_father_and_his_6yearold_son_are_walking_down/
%
Being a recovering addict is hard. I find myself even struggling to reheat my Thanksgiving leftovers

I quit cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zs2g9/being_a_recovering_addict_is_hard_i_find_myself/
%
I went to the fertility doctor to get the results from my sperm sample.

Doctor - I have good news and bad news.
Me - Give me the bad news.
Doctor - Your sample was tampered with.
Me - And the good news?
Doctor - It was DELICIOUS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zs1id/i_went_to_the_fertility_doctor_to_get_the_results/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me over my Electric Light Orchestra obsession.

Evil woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zrt4s/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_over_my_electric/
%
The school cafeteria

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples..
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zrsfy/the_school_cafeteria/
%
A man joins a big corporate empire

as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No," replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zrrpo/a_man_joins_a_big_corporate_empire/
%
Two friends and a boat

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day.
One day they caught 30 fish.
One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zrrb6/two_friends_and_a_boat/
%
Just donated my phone, watch, and the 500 dollars in my wallet to a homeless man

You won’t believe the happiness on his face as he put the gun away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zroy1/just_donated_my_phone_watch_and_the_500_dollars/
%
Who are the shiniest people on Earth?

Polish people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zrf8b/who_are_the_shiniest_people_on_earth/
%
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN

they become VERY ANGRY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zrf6d/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
%
Why did all the Indians leave Oklahoma?

Broken Arrow, Broken Bow, and Nowata.
(These are names of cities in Oklahoma)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zrebj/why_did_all_the_indians_leave_oklahoma/
%
I'm creating a video game about the inside of a fish.

It's currently in betta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zraok/im_creating_a_video_game_about_the_inside_of_a/
%
I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zr92b/i_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_shit_myself/
%
Lenin in Warsaw

At an art exhibition in Moscow,  there is a picture showing Nadezhda Krupskaya, Lenin's  wife, in bed with a young member of the Komsomol. The  title of the picture is "Lenin in Warsaw." A bewildered visi-  tor asks a guide: "But where is Lenin?" The guide replies  quietly and with dignity: "Lenin is in Warsaw."
(as told by Slavoj Zizek)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zr914/lenin_in_warsaw/
%
If you commit sin 90 times you are most likely to be caught half of the time

Coz sin 90=cot 45

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zr5qa/if_you_commit_sin_90_times_you_are_most_likely_to/
%
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zqzpq/on_my_first_day_in_prison_my_cellmate_said_to_me/
%
4 Brazilian people were killed in an earthquake

How many is in a Brazilian?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zqx7g/4_brazilian_people_were_killed_in_an_earthquake/
%
Crushing cans...

Is soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zquwu/crushing_cans/
%
Two priests get pulled over on i95...

When he gets to the window, the trooper asks the driver, "License and registration... do you know why I pulled you over?"
The priest driving replies, "I have no clue, I'm sorry."
The trooper says, "We've looking for two child molesters."
The priest nervously looks at the other priest, looks back at the trooper and says, "We'll do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zqunj/two_priests_get_pulled_over_on_i95/
%
My wife told me to find a new one if anything happens to her

Apparently 'anything' doesn't mean being stuck in traffic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zqtw1/my_wife_told_me_to_find_a_new_one_if_anything/
%
When Beethoven passed away,

He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zqmyd/when_beethoven_passed_away/
%
Two lesbians and two gay guys are getting ready to go to the airport. Who gets there first?

The lesbians, they got there lickety split while the gay guys were still packing their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zqhke/two_lesbians_and_two_gay_guys_are_getting_ready/
%
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting.

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5  feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the  right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zqe0c/a_biologist_a_chemist_and_a_statistician_are_out/
%
What starts with P, ends with Orn, and is important in the film industry?

Popcorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zqcho/what_starts_with_p_ends_with_orn_and_is_important/
%
A hunter wants his wife to go hunting with him

His wife says she doesn't want to go. The husband replies, "Well, if you're not going with me. I want either a blow job or to butt fuck you, your choice. I'm going to go outside and get the dog ready."
So while the husband was outside, the wife thinks about it for awhile and decides to give him a blow job. About that time the husband returns.
"So have you decided yet?" The husband asks. The wife says "yeah I'll suck your dick." And proceeds to unzip his pants.
After she puts his dick in her mouth she stops and yells out "my God Steve, your dick tastes like shit!"
Steve says "yeah the dog didn't want to go hunting either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zqbwh/a_hunter_wants_his_wife_to_go_hunting_with_him/
%
A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered

for the first-time. Fearing the increased cardiovascular strain of sex could kill her she tries to put it off.
"I'm not sure if I can do this" she tells her boyfriend
"It's fine" he reassures her "it can wait".
Months go by and he decides to try again. But as they get heavy handed and more excited she gets worries again about her heart not handling the moment.
"I just...I need to stop, I'm scared" she stammers
"No no, that's ok, I love you. I can wait, is it something I've done?" He asks
"No" she replies. "I'm just scared it won't go so well, and I'm afraid you might not want to go through with it either if I tell you why"
The boy pauses and thinks for a while.
"There's nothing you could tell me that could scare me away, If you're honest with me I'll promise to be honest with you"
Slowly she builds up the courage, looks at her lover and says "I have Acute Angina"
"I hope so" the boy replies "It'd make up for the small tits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zqabl/a_young_girl_with_a_heart_condition_is_about_to/
%
Dont trust your digestive system

Its full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zq8sr/dont_trust_your_digestive_system/
%
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zq636/there_is_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
%
I heard our next president is gonna be a communist

That really raises some red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpz9r/i_heard_our_next_president_is_gonna_be_a_communist/
%
I can't stand it when homeless people shake their cups of money at me.

Do they have to rub it in that they have more money than i do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpw1l/i_cant_stand_it_when_homeless_people_shake_their/
%
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine

Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpv4n/dad_always_thought_laughter_was_the_best_medicine/
%
A poor man meets a rich man the day before christmas (reposti)

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpv3t/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_the_day_before/
%
The women i ask out always call me ugly, until they hear how much money i make.

Then they call me poor and ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpv0k/the_women_i_ask_out_always_call_me_ugly_until/
%
Do you know why it's called politics?

Poli, Greek origin meaning multiple or many.
Tics, blood sucking animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zptmf/do_you_know_why_its_called_politics/
%
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee...

Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?
John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zptea/boss_john_for_30_years_you_have_been_bringing_me/
%
Lumberjack Interview

A man goes into an interview for a job as a lumberjack.
"Do you have any relatable work experience?" Asks the interviewer.
"Sure thing. I worked in the Sahara Forest in Africa for 2 years."
"Sahara forest? You mean the Sahara desert?" Says the interviewer.
"Well sure. That's what they call it now!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpplx/lumberjack_interview/
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A priest was breathing his last on his deathbed. He was asked by his family if he had any last wishes...

After a deep, troubled breath, he muttered, "nun".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpoo3/a_priest_was_breathing_his_last_on_his_deathbed/
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Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the hell out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zplmw/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
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Friend: hey do you wanna be a cowboy?

Ye how

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpl7x/friend_hey_do_you_wanna_be_a_cowboy/
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She came to me during the night… Licked me, bit me, sucked me, had her fill… Then she left… I was hurt…

Fucking mosquito.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpj9v/she_came_to_me_during_the_night_licked_me_bit_me/
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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpj62/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpivq/while_teaching_a_class_a_teacher_trying_to_teach/
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A man sticks his head into a barber shop...

(I heard this on a radio ad, and it took me forever to get the joke. Now I feel the need to share it)
The man asks the barber "How long until I can get a hair cut?"
The barber replies "About 2 hours." And then the man leaves. The next day the man sticks his head in again and asks "How long until I can get a hair cut?"
The barber replies "About an hour and a half." The man leaves. The next day the man shows up again and asks the same thing.
The barber replies "About 2 and half hours." And then the man leaves again. The barber, curious, asks his friend to follow this man and see what he does.
A little while later the friend comes back laughing and the barber asks where the man went.
The friend replies "Your house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpi4n/a_man_sticks_his_head_into_a_barber_shop/
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It’s all in the breasts

So these three young women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, are in a race to see who can swim the breaststroke fastest all the way across the English Channel.
12 hours and 30 minutes after the start of the race the brunette arrives on the far side and is pronounced the winner.  1 hour later, the redhead finishes the race and earns second place. And then they wait, there is no sign of the blonde.  Finally, 10 hours after the redhead had finished the race, the blonde swimmer finally arrives.
The blonde swimmer is visibly upset, and the onlookers ask her what the matter is.
“I don’t want to sound like a sore loser” she said, “but I think those other girls cheated, they were using their arms”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zph3i/its_all_in_the_breasts/
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Don’t be sad

Because sad backwards is das and das is not good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpgmb/dont_be_sad/
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What’s long and hard and given to a Polish woman on her wedding night?

A new last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpg9i/whats_long_and_hard_and_given_to_a_polish_woman/
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There's going to be a lot of cops out today

It is "Black" Friday after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpd7u/theres_going_to_be_a_lot_of_cops_out_today/
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What’s the favourite drink of a sad person?

Depresso.
(Credit: My cousins 8 yo daugher told me this)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpb1k/whats_the_favourite_drink_of_a_sad_person/
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Someone from an island in the Mediterranean asked me if I could guess their ethnicity...

...I said Corsican

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpawe/someone_from_an_island_in_the_mediterranean_asked/
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I started to type a long joke about Intersex people

but it got cut off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zpa8l/i_started_to_type_a_long_joke_about_intersex/
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Okay, we get it, there is some bad lettuce going around...

Everyone just needs to romaine calm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zp8b5/okay_we_get_it_there_is_some_bad_lettuce_going/
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Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didnt you use a coaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zp7to/optimist_the_glass_is_half_full/
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I once tried to catch some fog...

I mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zp2qg/i_once_tried_to_catch_some_fog/
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A man and his wife who's in labour go to a hospital

Once they arrive the doctor tells them, "We have this new technology, that'll make the man feel the burden of child birth." They both agree, and the man gets hooked up to the machine. The man says "I don't feel anything," The doctor replies, "Maybe I should turn it up more." "I still don't feel anything," said the man. After the woman is done giving birth, the doctor says "I'll take a look at the machine, but again congratulations on the baby!" They come home and find the mail man dead on their doorstep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zp1i6/a_man_and_his_wife_whos_in_labour_go_to_a_hospital/
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Do you want to hear a spooky joke?

That’s the spirit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zovso/do_you_want_to_hear_a_spooky_joke/
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A religion is like having a large penis

You can have one and be proud about it, but just don't go showing it off to everyone, and especially don't go trying to shove it down kids' throats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zosun/a_religion_is_like_having_a_large_penis/
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What do Soviet Russia and the Lottery have in common?

You don’t play the game,
The game plays you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zorex/what_do_soviet_russia_and_the_lottery_have_in/
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I think my dentist is an alt righter

He thinks the best teeth are 'white and straight'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zora9/i_think_my_dentist_is_an_alt_righter/
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PLEASE HELP US! WE ARE SINKING

Hello this is german coast gaurd. What are you sinking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zor18/please_help_us_we_are_sinking/
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My neighbor came to my house at 3 AM!

3 AM! Can you believe that? Lucky for him that I was up, playing drums.
ba dum tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zoq9v/my_neighbor_came_to_my_house_at_3_am/
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Why can't pirates play cards?

Because they're standing on the deck, YARRRRRRRRRR!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zop1r/why_cant_pirates_play_cards/
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What did the pirate captain say to his boy when he burned down his ship?

Arr, son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zombb/what_did_the_pirate_captain_say_to_his_boy_when/
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My friend was showing off about his new watch that survives up to 500m underwater...

Turns out he couldn’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zom9b/my_friend_was_showing_off_about_his_new_watch/
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Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*

Car roof: *slaps Isaac Newton*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zoipr/isaac_newton_slaps_roof_of_car/
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I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday

All Fridays matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zoido/i_dont_know_what_the_big_deal_is_about_black/
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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,

all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.”
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?”
The room stilled. There was a long pause.
The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with.
Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with.
And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.”
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zoeqy/the_pope_had_become_very_ill_and_was_taken_to/
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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 700people

Then the grenade exploded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zodfq/chuck_norris_threw_a_grenade_and_killed_700people/
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Do you know why there are fewer 'men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zo7q3/do_you_know_why_there_are_fewer_men_are_trash/
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The Hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their  local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them,  "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure,"  they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the  game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of  the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No,  I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a  beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here  are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the  other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my  house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight  in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right.  This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see  my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a  minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First,  shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.  Then the neighbor, he's a buddy of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle  and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand  dollars here....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zo6rd/the_hitman/
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Retiring Mailman

The mailman is making his last rounds before retirement and he comes to  the door of the prettiest woman on his route. She's standing there in a see through negligee and gestures for him to come in. She leads him upstairs where she gets undressed, removes his clothes and then screws his brains out.
The guy is pleasantly surprised and she says "I've got  another surprise for you" and leads him to the kitchen where she makes him a batch of pancakes and some coffee. As he's eating he notices a  dollar coin on the table in front of his spot.
"This was a wonderful surprise," he says to the woman. "But what's the dollar coin for?"
The woman answers "Well,  I told my husband yesterday that you were retiring and this was going  to be your last day and I was wondering what to get you as a retirement  gift. He said "fuck him, give him a dollar."
"The breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zo5n8/retiring_mailman/
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A long, long time ago, I used to be a farmer.

I used to grow wheat and the quality of my product was second to none. I was famous all over the world for my unmatched wheat harvest.
Everything was going fine, until this one day.
In the middle of a pitch black night, my most bitter rival stole all of my wheat. None of it left on the field. I was shattered, for that wheat was the only source of my livelihood. But nothing could be done now. So I slept, with tears in my eyes.
But the next day, I read the most shocking headline in the newspaper. The guy who stole my wheat had died of an extreme headache. A headache so severe that his head exploded.
At first, I couldn't understand how that happened. Then it hit me.
He had migraine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zo5k6/a_long_long_time_ago_i_used_to_be_a_farmer/
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Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the  impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other  about it.
Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
"Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"Now what do I do?" he asks.
His  father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of  your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zo4k4/young_virgin_couple/
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If I ever had sex with a GameStop employee...

...I'd offer them protection for $2.99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zo1pv/if_i_ever_had_sex_with_a_gamestop_employee/
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When I hit the brakes hard, my passengers looked excited..

The were on the edge of their seats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9znv5u/when_i_hit_the_brakes_hard_my_passengers_looked/
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Where can you find a no legged dog?

...right where ya left him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9znout/where_can_you_find_a_no_legged_dog/
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What do Asian people sing to their children at night?

Wok a bye baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zno0x/what_do_asian_people_sing_to_their_children_at/
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“That’s what she said,” is a really versatile punchline to a joke because you can put it almost anywhere.

That’s what she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9znm0b/thats_what_she_said_is_a_really_versatile/
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What is the bread stapled to trees subreddit?

A sub-bread-it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9znkt7/what_is_the_bread_stapled_to_trees_subreddit/
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A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9znjlh/a_few_months_after_his_parents_were_divorced/
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Got my wife’s Christmas presents, perfume and a dildo...

If she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9znjip/got_my_wifes_christmas_presents_perfume_and_a/
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My teenage daughter is really acting odd..

She can’t even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zngyj/my_teenage_daughter_is_really_acting_odd/
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How does Gordon Ramsay have sex?

FUCKING RAW!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zndzo/how_does_gordon_ramsay_have_sex/
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Have you heard about the new cemetery?

I've heard it's the dead center of town

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9znbqo/have_you_heard_about_the_new_cemetery/
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Music is the universal language

But one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9znb18/music_is_the_universal_language/
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A blonde really wanted a pair of crocodile shoes

So she ordered a trip to Australia, and went hunting.
After two weeks she said:
-Damn, if the next crocodile i shoot doesnt have any shoes on, i give up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zn4nf/a_blonde_really_wanted_a_pair_of_crocodile_shoes/
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Where are average things manufactured?

At the satisfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zn4ay/where_are_average_things_manufactured/
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I dont want any other races in my neighborhood

There's already a marathon in July and it makes getting home a nightmare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zn0mh/i_dont_want_any_other_races_in_my_neighborhood/
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Groucho Marx told this on You Bet Your Life

Why does a cow give buttermilk?
What else can a cow give but her milk?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zmzn3/groucho_marx_told_this_on_you_bet_your_life/
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A helium atom walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases in here."
The helium doesn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zmzeu/a_helium_atom_walks_into_a_bar/
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, Feminist can't change shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zmwvi/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What did the roof say to the other roof?

Are you shingle?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zmvxl/what_did_the_roof_say_to_the_other_roof/
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How is communism like geometry?

It's really all about Engels and most people only ever think of marks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zmufv/how_is_communism_like_geometry/
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A mathematican walks into a bar...

He orders a drink and the bartender delivers it instantly..
He replies, " sinQ/cosQ "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zmuf5/a_mathematican_walks_into_a_bar/
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What is a 4-letter word for a woman that ends with U-N-T

Aunt ... you sicko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zmrsq/what_is_a_4letter_word_for_a_woman_that_ends_with/
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Teacher: Did you know protons have mass?

Student: I didn't even know they're religious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zmm05/teacher_did_you_know_protons_have_mass/
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A man works at the Branston Pickle factory, and comes home at lunch time one day.

His wife asks, "why are you home so early?"
To which he replies, "I got fired. I got caught putting my willy in the pickle slicer."
The wife thinks this is absolutely obscene and horrible - so she immediately pulls his pants down and whips out his cock. It's fine. She sighs a sigh of relief, but asks the question, "what happened to the pickle slicer?"
So the husband replies, "yeah, she was fired as well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zmk64/a_man_works_at_the_branston_pickle_factory_and/
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There’s only one way you can leave Vegas with a small fortune

Arrive with a big one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zmhy8/theres_only_one_way_you_can_leave_vegas_with_a/
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What is brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zmf69/what_is_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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If men suffer from shrinkage when cold, ...

. . . do women clam shut?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zmb3p/if_men_suffer_from_shrinkage_when_cold/
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"Doctor, I've got this really weird condition that whenever somebody questions me that I violently shit my pants."

"REALLY?" asked the doctor, laughing.
I said, "Nice try, pal, but I'm not wearing any pants.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zm6or/doctor_ive_got_this_really_weird_condition_that/
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You know what's been at the back of my mind lately?

My occipital lobe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zm2na/you_know_whats_been_at_the_back_of_my_mind_lately/
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My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zlzzj/my_wife_gets_upset_when_i_steal_her_kitchen/
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A boy in my class asked a girl out and got a girlfriend.

I asked a girl out in my class and I lost my teacher's license.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zlxt2/a_boy_in_my_class_asked_a_girl_out_and_got_a/
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What do you call a clown that makes good financial decisions?

Pennywise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zlvrp/what_do_you_call_a_clown_that_makes_good/
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I have less sex appeal than a math book...

At least when someone opens a math book, their first thought is “fuck me”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zlvk8/i_have_less_sex_appeal_than_a_math_book/
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Someone once told that there’s little difference between the male and female reproductive systems. But in reality...

There’s a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zlsge/someone_once_told_that_theres_little_difference/
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How much did the piece of paper love the binder?

A hole punch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zlaeu/how_much_did_the_piece_of_paper_love_the_binder/
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Three men find themselves in front of Saint Peter after suddenly dying.

Confused, Peter says, "What happened? You're all here *way* before your time!"
The first man says, "I was driving to work when I got this feeling that my wife was cheating on me, so I turned around and rushed back to my apartment. I ran into my bedroom to find my wife lying naked under the covers, startled that I was home early. Naturally, my suspicions didn't go away, so I searched and searched the whole apartment, becoming angry and frustrated due to not being able to find anyone. Eventually I got so angry that I threw our refrigerator out the window! Then I blacked out, so I probably had a heart attack and died...
The second man becomes livid at this story. "WHAT?! ARE YOU *KIDDING* ME?!," he screamed. "I'll tell you how I died. I was walking down the sidewalk, minding my own damn business, when I heard a noise above me. So I looked up, and the last thing I saw before winding up here was a huge ass refrigerator barrelling down at me!"
To the third man, Peter says, "And you? You were the last to die. How?"
Wryly, the third man responds,  "Well... I was hiding in a refrigerator when someone threw me out a window and I died..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zl7yl/three_men_find_themselves_in_front_of_saint_peter/
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What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?

I don’t know, just have faith there is one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zl14u/whats_the_difference_between_a_religion_and_a_cult/
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What do you call a pasta sauce made out of sea breezes?

A ‘marine’-‘air’a

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zl149/what_do_you_call_a_pasta_sauce_made_out_of_sea/
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My Math teacher told me 0! = 1

But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zkzrs/my_math_teacher_told_me_0_1/
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Alligators can grow up to 15 metres...

The joke doesn’t work with the metric system...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zkwu5/alligators_can_grow_up_to_15_metres/
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Why can't the bike stay up?

Because it's two tired! hahahaha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zkrut/why_cant_the_bike_stay_up/
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What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zkqh9/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees the train coming towards them, but…

The engineer sees three idiots on the tracks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zkq1i/a_pessimist_sees_a_dark_tunnel_an_optimist_sees/
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Snowflakes are actually the perfect metaphor for people.

Each one is unique, but we all have the same structure and are pretty similar in spite of our differences. And really, with as many around as there is, no one is going to notice your differences unless they care enough to look closely.
Also, people are similar to snowflakes in that it is difficult to drive when there are too many of them piled up on the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zkphw/snowflakes_are_actually_the_perfect_metaphor_for/
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How many ninjas does it take to change a light-

Oh, it changed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zko6z/how_many_ninjas_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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When you sneeze while peeing

Your body takes a screenshot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zkmha/when_you_sneeze_while_peeing/
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I bet you’re wondering how I escaped Iraq.

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zkkb9/i_bet_youre_wondering_how_i_escaped_iraq/
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If april showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring?

Pilgrims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zkggx/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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I was going to have a son and name him based on his intelligence

On the day he was born, it wasn't yet clear whether he'd be stupid or smart...
So we named him Stuart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zkei8/i_was_going_to_have_a_son_and_name_him_based_on/
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Why do computer programmers need glasses?

Because they can't C#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zkcen/why_do_computer_programmers_need_glasses/
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If Batman wears kevlar armor and a bulletproof cape, why does Robin have to wear a bright-colored spandex outfit?

For the same reason: Batman doesn't like getting shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zk9am/if_batman_wears_kevlar_armor_and_a_bulletproof/
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Made this myself. I'm very proud

A priest is visited by Christ himself in his dream. The Son of God warns him that danger is coming his way, and his family will be at risk as well. The priest asks for guidance, and Jesus takes pity on him and says, "give your blessing to the droplets of my land." And with that, the priest wakes up.
The priest is nervous and confused all day long. He knows that that is the best advice he can be given, but he does not know what it means. He is agitated, but keeps his faith and believes the Lord.
That afternoon, he returns home to find his daughter being held hostage by a group of armed men. They tell him that they are a paramilitary group who wish for the fall of all religions, starting with Christianity. The priest is not surprised for the Lord has warned him, yet he does not know what to do. His daughter is scared, her T-shirt of her favorite band is wet with tears and sweat.
The priest asks how many participants are in this paramilitary group, the gang leader tells him they are over a hundred. The priest asks what they want from him, and they say they will punish him for spreading around religion, and will take his daughter.
He is angry, and protective of his daughter. Looking at her shirt, he suddenly realizes what to do. After years of mastering Hebrew, he finally found a good cause for it. Suddenly, gust of wind bursts through the door and knocks the militants out the window. As they fire their weapons, waters come out of their weapons and lightning hits their weapons out of their hands. Scared and fearful, they flee.
The priest runs to hug his daughter. His daughter is in tears and is just as afraid as the militants. "Dad, what happened?"
The father looked caringly at his daughter, glad that she's alive. "It's going to take a lot more to take me away from you," he reassures, "there's nothing a hundred man or more could ever do."
The daughter looks confused, so he tells her, "I blessed the rains down in Africa."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zk1qw/made_this_myself_im_very_proud/
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What do you call a lizard that can't get hard?

A - reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zk1b4/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_that_cant_get_hard/
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Neil Armstrong and his team were training for moon expedition at a desert and met an old Native American

The native American asked : Can you do me a favour?
Neil Armstrong : Of course, what do you want?
Native : Please pass this important message to our holy spirits living on the moon
The native American started uttering the message in his tribal language and asked Neil Armstrong to memorise it.
With curiosity, the astronaut asked: What does it mean?
Native : It is a sacred message only our tribe and the moon spirits should know.
When Neil Armstrong got back to the base, he searched for a native American language expert and asked him to translate the message.
When Neil repeated the sacred message from the old native American to the moon spirits, the translator busted out laughing.
After a while, he calmed down and said : The message means "Don't believe a single word that they are telling you. They have come to steal your lands".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjxts/neil_armstrong_and_his_team_were_training_for/
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Why are black people taller than white people?

Because their knee grows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjxrp/why_are_black_people_taller_than_white_people/
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I was at a dog fight recently. The combatants were a 200lb Rottweiler and a 2lb Chihuahua. The Chihuahua emerged victorious...

The Rottweiler choked on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjxni/i_was_at_a_dog_fight_recently_the_combatants_were/
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Being a light must suck

Imagine someone turning you on and leaving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjws9/being_a_light_must_suck/
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What’s Jesus’ favorite TV Show?

Breaking Bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjwlb/whats_jesus_favorite_tv_show/
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Where do baby robots develop?

In the computerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjvz8/where_do_baby_robots_develop/
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A guy is visiting his cousins farm, getting the tour and such, sees a 3 legged pig.....

What’s with the pig with 3 legs?Ahh, that’s Jake and he is one special pig says the farmer cousin.  I was out plowing with the tractor, got to close to the ditch and rolled it over on me.  Jake broke out of his pen and ran out to the tractor where he proceeded to dig me out from under it, dragged me to safety then licked my face till I came around, he saved my life.  Then there was the time the house caught on fire.  Jake, well he busted right out of his pen, ran into the burning house.  Woke up everyone and even dragged lil billy out to safety, surely saved us all.  Damn! says his city cousin, that is one amazing pig but why does he have 3 legs?  Farmer cousin answered, well, ya just can’t eat a  good pig like that all at once!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjsih/a_guy_is_visiting_his_cousins_farm_getting_the/
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What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?

A:an ass that’ll put a tear in your eye.
Credit to my coworker who probably doesn’t have reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjrsl/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_onion_with_a/
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Master/slave terminology was recently removed from the python programming language so as not to offend anyone.

Looks like PC’s finally won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjqib/masterslave_terminology_was_recently_removed_from/
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If I was the last person on earth and farted...

I guess you could call me the Last Airbender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjq21/if_i_was_the_last_person_on_earth_and_farted/
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Why do lesbians shop at Cabela’s and Bass Pro Shops?

Because they don’t like Dicks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjmat/why_do_lesbians_shop_at_cabelas_and_bass_pro_shops/
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People will ask what a nerd like me did this Thanksgiving.

[(-1)^(1/2)] (2^3) Σ π

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjked/people_will_ask_what_a_nerd_like_me_did_this/
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My girlfriend farted while I was fucking her from behind..

I smacked her ass and said “shhh your next little buddy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjk1n/my_girlfriend_farted_while_i_was_fucking_her_from/
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A priest, a rabbi and an engineer are being lead to the guillotine to be executed.....

The priest tells the executioner, "I want to meet my maker face to face, can I lie on my back?"
The executioner says, "I see no problem with that."
As the blade comes down it stops halfway. The executioner sees this as a miracle and sets the priest free.
The rabbi makes the same request to watch the blade fall and again it stops halfway. The rabbi goes free.
Finally the engineer requests the same thing, and the executioner reluctantly agrees.
As the executioner reaches to pull the handle to drop the blade the engineer cries out, "Wait!  I see the problem right there...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjjj3/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_an_engineer_are_being_lead/
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Allah is definitely the true god...

Because the universe was made by an explosion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjff2/allah_is_definitely_the_true_god/
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Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.
Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey.
Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so.
A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee.
Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom.
She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned.
So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost.
He said, "You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjdlf/bob_and_martha_have_been_married_for_15_years/
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"San Andreas" starring The Rock is a great movie but it could never be perfect...

Because there is one enormous fault

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zjb73/san_andreas_starring_the_rock_is_a_great_movie/
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Ingrid and Ulga are on their honeymoon

They go back to their room and start to undress. Ulga takes off his socks and Ingrid says. "Oh my, Ulga! What happened to your toes!?
Ulga said, "When I was a young boy I had Toelio!"
Ingrid said, "Dont you mean Polio?"
Ulga responds, "No, I mean Toelio."
Then Ulga starts taking off his pants, Ingrid sees his legs and says in shock, "Oh my, Ulga! What happened to your knees?"
Ulga says, "When I was a young boy I had kneasles."
Ingrid says, "Don't you mean Measles?"
Ulga responds, "No! I mean Kneasles!"
Finally Ulga takes off his underpants, and Ingrid yells, "Oh my, Ulga! Please dont tell me you had smallcox!"
Told by my great grandma at Thanksgiving dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zj7bb/ingrid_and_ulga_are_on_their_honeymoon/
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Have you heard of the constipated mathematician?

He had to work it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zj46n/have_you_heard_of_the_constipated_mathematician/
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A Frenchman and an Englishman have a bet over who is the most virile

A Frenchman and an Englishman on a business trip start talking at a pub and pretty soon the conversation turns to which one of them is the most virile. They decide to make a bet. Each one will pick up a woman at the bar, take her back to his hotel room, and in the morning they will compare notes to see who did it the most times.
So the Englishman starts talking to the lady at the next table. They hit it off and pretty soon they are back in his hotel room.  They make wild passionate love, and the Englishman rolls over and marks a "1" on a notepad by the bed.
After a short rest, the couple goes at it again. When they are done, the Englishman rolls over and marks another "1" on the notepad.
After an hour or so, the couple makes love again. The Englishman, feeling very proud of himself, rolls over and marks another "1" on the notepad. They both fall asleep.
In the morning the Frenchman knocks on their hotel room door. The Englishman lets him in and shows him the notepad.
The Frenchman looks at the notepad and says "Mon dieu! One hundred and eleven! Three more than me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zj349/a_frenchman_and_an_englishman_have_a_bet_over_who/
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Have you ever had synonym pie?

No, but I think I've had something like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ziyre/have_you_ever_had_synonym_pie/
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The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones..

But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zioqd/the_people_in_dubai_dont_like_the_flintstones/
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My girlfriend and I were doing some doctor/patient ropelay. "Oh ny god," she purred, "are you going to inject ne, doc?"

I said, "Yes, honey. But don't worry, you won't feel a thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zincs/my_girlfriend_and_i_were_doing_some_doctorpatient/
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My girlfriend said she was leaving me because I'm low on iron

My buddy told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty other deficiency."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zimvl/my_girlfriend_said_she_was_leaving_me_because_im/
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I started crying when my dad was cutting onions

I loved Onions
He was my favorite dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zimv0/i_started_crying_when_my_dad_was_cutting_onions/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Just look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zimoz/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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Dipping your beaks into different coloured paints, eh?

Well, toucans play at that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zimmx/dipping_your_beaks_into_different_coloured_paints/
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What is the definition of a will?

Come on guys it's a dead giveaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zij2u/what_is_the_definition_of_a_will/
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I fought an enormous erection this morning…

Beat it single handed…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zih7h/i_fought_an_enormous_erection_this_morning/
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Alligators can grow up to 15 feet...

But most only grow four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zigoo/alligators_can_grow_up_to_15_feet/
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What is the difference between Lil Peep and Punk?

Punk´s not dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zidmh/what_is_the_difference_between_lil_peep_and_punk/
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[NSFW] What’s the difference between Game of Thrones and a porn version of Rick & Morty?

In the former, winter is coming, in the latter, Summer is coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zibhk/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_game_of_thrones/
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Can a woman make her husband a millionaire?

Of course, if he’s a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zib4g/can_a_woman_make_her_husband_a_millionaire/
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Why do crows never check their bags at the airport?

They prefer carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zi9kg/why_do_crows_never_check_their_bags_at_the_airport/
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Why are lines being drawn incredibly good in North Korea?

Because they have a Supreme Ruler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zi9j5/why_are_lines_being_drawn_incredibly_good_in/
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Bob and Jeff are at the funeral for their friend Larry

Bob: I can't believe this, were you as shocked as I was to hear the horrible news?
Jeff: Actually, I was with him when he died. We were playing golf and on the 10th hole he had a heart attack and dropped dead.
Bob: Jeez, I'm so sorry. That must have been awful for you.
Jeff: It sure was. For the whole back 9 it was hit my shot, drag Larry, hit my shot, drag Larry...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zi8fq/bob_and_jeff_are_at_the_funeral_for_their_friend/
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A women went to a hotel

for one night and was shocked when she got the bill of $250 the next day.
So she went to the manager and complained about how expensive it was for one night
"I am sorry mam but there was multiple services you could of used" said the manager
"But I didn't use any of them" replied the lady
"So you didn't use the pool?" Asked the manager
"I didn't" replied the lady
"But you could have" replied the manager
"So you didn't use the all you can eat buffet" asked the manager
"I didn't" replied the lady
"But you could have" replied the manager
"So you didn't use the indoor cinema" asked the manager
"I didn't" replied the lady
"But you could have" replied the manager
After go back and forth between services that she didn't use, she decided to write a cheque and pay up.
The manager looks at it and notices that it is only for $50.
"What happened to the other $200?" Said the manager
"I am charging you for sleeping with me last night" said the lady
"But I didn't" said the manager
"But you could have" replied the lady and she then walked out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zi7jn/a_women_went_to_a_hotel/
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A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.

She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zi5qd/a_lady_was_looking_for_a_turkey_but_couldnt_find/
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A guy plays golf every Sunday morning with his friends...

This coming Sunday happens to be his 25th wedding anniversary. He wants to play golf as usual. His wife wants him to spend the whole day with her. They come to a compromise - he'll play 9 holes first thing in the morning and then come straight home.
The wife is expecting him home at around 10am but he doesn't show up. She waits and waits and finally the husband strolls in at around 3pm.
HUSBAND: Honey, I'm so so sorry I'm late. I could make up an excuse but you deserve better, especially on our anniversary, so I'm going to tell you truth. I played 9 holes and then immediately hurried to the car and left the course. As I was on my way home I saw someone pulled over on the shoulder with car trouble. When I got out to help I saw that it was a beautiful woman in lots of distress. I called a tow truck and she begged me to give her a lift home, which I did. Once we got there she was so appreciative that she wanted to "make it up to me". I'm so ashamed but I couldn't resist. I ended up in her bed where we made passionate love for hours until I pulled myself away and came home.
WIFE: You played 18 holes, didn't you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zi4pg/a_guy_plays_golf_every_sunday_morning_with_his/
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What did....

What did iodine-131 say to carbon-14?
I'm already tracer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zi3e6/what_did/
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I have an EpiPen

My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zi1qj/i_have_an_epipen/
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What's with Trump and landscape equipment?

First he's raking for California, now he's hoeing for Saudi Arabia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zi1ib/whats_with_trump_and_landscape_equipment/
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Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?

They prefer a casual tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zi018/why_dont_murderers_often_attend_tea_parties/
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Looking forward to celebrate Thanksgiving with my loved ones

Wish I could write this in another sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zhy6j/looking_forward_to_celebrate_thanksgiving_with_my/
%
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zhxu7/once_upon_a_time_in_a_village_a_man_appeared_and/
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What do you call your hand, while you're smoking a joint?

A Pot holder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zhu5u/what_do_you_call_your_hand_while_youre_smoking_a/
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Allah must be the only God in the universe

I mean, Earth was created with a Big Bang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zhu4l/allah_must_be_the_only_god_in_the_universe/
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I'm no longer going to eat Thanksgiving leftovers.

I'm trying to quit cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zhsyk/im_no_longer_going_to_eat_thanksgiving_leftovers/
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A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey...

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey in the microwave.
The hotline worker responded, “Uhhh... one minute...”
She said, “Thanks!” And immediately hung up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zhn36/a_woman_called_the_turkey_hotline_to_ask_how_long/
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Life is a lot like toilet paper.

You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zhlrd/life_is_a_lot_like_toilet_paper/
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Why did the paper lose the race against the rock?

Because it was stationary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zhi3j/why_did_the_paper_lose_the_race_against_the_rock/
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Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'People are still reposting this joke on r/jokes'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zhe15/everyone_knows_dave/
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How do you get 3 other people to have sex with you?

You foursome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zhdb0/how_do_you_get_3_other_people_to_have_sex_with_you/
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I dont really like orange soda.

Im not a fanta be honest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zhcxp/i_dont_really_like_orange_soda/
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What’s full of virgins, reposts, and funny original content?

Reddit. i lied about the funny original content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zhb13/whats_full_of_virgins_reposts_and_funny_original/
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My wife left me because she said that I live in a fantasy world.

When I first heard it, I was so shocked that I almost fell off my dragon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zh8ge/my_wife_left_me_because_she_said_that_i_live_in_a/
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As I got out on the 11th floor...

the lift operator said "Have a good day, son"
"Don't call me son. You are not my dad", I replied sarcastically
As the doors closed he looked me in the eye and
said "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zh59k/as_i_got_out_on_the_11th_floor/
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"One day you'll see! YOU'LL ALL SEE!!!"

-*A really enthusiastic and positive eye doctor*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zh4ww/one_day_youll_see_youll_all_see/
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Saudi Arabia heard that Trump was going to pardon a turkey

But they'd still like to have a word with it at their embassy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zh1v2/saudi_arabia_heard_that_trump_was_going_to_pardon/
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What do you call an Egyptian back cracker?

A Cairopractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zgywn/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_back_cracker/
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Why did the baby get in trouble with the police for not napping?

Because she was resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zgxsx/why_did_the_baby_get_in_trouble_with_the_police/
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Why don’t turkeys eat on thanksgiving?

Because they’re stuffed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zgwqh/why_dont_turkeys_eat_on_thanksgiving/
%
What’s green and smells like bacon

Kermit the frogs fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zgwlv/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
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What happens when a high frequency wave hits you?

It hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zgty9/what_happens_when_a_high_frequency_wave_hits_you/
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English: A dog.

Swedish: What?
English: The dog.
English: Two dogs.
Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.
German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!
English: No, go away.
Swedish: No one invited you.
German: Der Hund.
English: I said go away.
German: Ein Hund, zwei Hunde.
Swedish: Stop it!
German: Den Hund, einen Hund, dem Hund, einem Hund, des Hundes, eines Hundes, den Hunden, der Hunden.
Finnish: Sup.
English: NO.
Swedish: NO.
German: NO. Finn, you go away!!
Finnish: Koira, koiran, koiraa, koiran again, koirassa, koirasta, koiraan, koiralla, koiralta, koiralle, koirana, koiraksi, koiratta, koirineen, koirin.
German: WHAT?
Swedish: You must be kidding us!
English: This must be a joke…
Finnish: Aaaand… koirasi, koirani, koiransa, koiramme, koiranne, koiraani, koiraasi, koiraansa, koiraamme, koiraanne, koirassani, koirassasi, koirassansa, koirassamme, koirassanne, koirastani, koirastasi, koirastansa, koirastamme, koirastanne, koirallani, koirallasi, koirallansa, koirallamme, koirallanne, koiranani, koiranasi, koiranansa, koiranamme, koirananne, koirakseni, koiraksesi, koiraksensa, koiraksemme, koiraksenne, koirattani, koirattasi, koirattansa, koirattamme, koirattanne, koirineni, koirinesi, koirinensa, koirinemme, koirinenne.
English: Those are words for a dog???
Finnish: Wait! I didn’t stop yet. There is still: koirakaan, koirankaan, koiraakaan, koirassakaan, koirastakaan, koiraankaan, koirallakaan, koiraltakaan, koirallekaan, koiranakaan, koiraksikaan, koirattakaan, koirineenkaan, koirinkaan, koirako, koiranko, koiraako, koirassako, koirastako, koiraanko, koirallako, koiraltako, koiralleko, koiranako, koiraksiko, koirattako, koirineenko, koirinko, koirasikaan, koiranikaan, koiransakaan, koirammekaan, koirannekaan, koiraanikaan, koiraasikaan, koiraansakaan, koiraammekaan, koiraannekaan, koirassanikaan, koirassasikaan, koirassansakaan, koirassammekaan, koirassannekaan, koirastanikaan, koirastasikaan, koirastansakaan, koirastammekaan, koirastannekaan, koirallanikaan, koirallasikaan, koirallansakaan, koirallammekaan, koirallannekaan, koirananikaan, koiranasikaan, koiranansakaan, koiranammekaan, koiranannekaan, koiraksenikaan, koiraksesikaan, koiraksensakaan, koiraksemmekaan, koiraksennekaan, koirattanikaan, koirattasikaan, koirattansakaan, koirattammekaan, koirattannekaan, koirinenikaan, koirinesikaan, koirinensakaan, koirinemmekaan, koirinennekaan, koirasiko, koiraniko, koiransako, koirammeko, koiranneko, koiraaniko, koiraasiko, koiraansako, koiraammeko, koiraanneko, koirassaniko, koirassasiko, koirassansako, koirassammeko, koirassanneko, koirastaniko, koirastasiko, koirastansako, koirastammeko, koirastanneko, koirallaniko, koirallasiko, koirallansako, koirallammeko, koirallanneko, koirananiko, koiranasiko, koiranansako, koiranammeko, koirananneko, koirakseniko, koiraksesiko, koiraksensako, koiraksemmeko, koiraksenneko, koirattaniko, koirattasiko, koirattansako, koirattammeko, koirattanneko, koirineniko, koirinesiko, koirinensako, koirinemmeko, koirinenneko, koirasikaanko, koiranikaanko, koiransakaanko, koirammekaanko, koirannekaanko, koiraanikaanko, koiraasikaanko, koiraansakaanko, koiraammekaanko, koiraannekaanko, koirassanikaanko, koirassasikaanko, koirassansakaanko, koirassammekaanko, koirassannekaanko, koirastanikaanko, koirastasikaanko, koirastansakaanko, koirastammekaanko, koirastannekaanko, koirallanikaanko, koirallasikaanko, koirallansakaanko, koirallammekaanko, koirallannekaanko, koirananikaanko, koiranasikaanko, koiranansakaanko, koiranammekaanko, koiranannekaanko, koiraksenikaanko, koiraksesikaanko, koiraksensakaanko, koiraksemmekaanko, koiraksennekaanko, koirattanikaanko, koirattasikaanko, koirattansakaanko, koirattammekaanko, koirattannekaanko, koirinenikaanko, koirinesikaanko, koirinensakaanko, koirinemmekaanko, koirinennekaanko, koirasikokaan, koiranikokaan, koiransakokaan, koirammekokaan, koirannekokaan, koiraanikokaan, koiraasikokaan, koiraansakokaan, koiraammekokaan, koiraannekokaan, koirassanikokaan, koirassasikokaan, koirassansakokaan, koirassammekokaan, koirassannekokaan, koirastanikokaan, koirastasikokaan, koirastansakokaan, koirastammekokaan, koirastannekokaan, koirallanikokaan, koirallasikokaan, koirallansakokaan, koirallammekokaan, koirallannekokaan, koirananikokaan, koiranasikokaan, koiranansakokaan, koiranammekokaan, koiranannekokaan, koiraksenikokaan, koiraksesikokaan, koiraksensakokaan, koiraksemmekokaan, koiraksennekokaan, koirattanikokaan, koirattasikokaan, koirattansakokaan, koirattammekokaan, koirattannekokaan, koirinenikokaan, koirinesikokaan, koirinensakokaan, koirinemmekokaan, koirinennekokaan.
Swedish: Breath!!
German: Whattaaa?
English: Okay, now you’re just making things up!
Finnish: And now the plural forms…..
English: WHAT?!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zgtnl/english_a_dog/
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What do you call a paraplegic in a zombie apocalypse?

Meals on Wheels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zgti7/what_do_you_call_a_paraplegic_in_a_zombie/
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I'm not gonna lie, my girlfriend is a cow. But there's something intriguing about her...

She moos in mysterious ways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zgrjc/im_not_gonna_lie_my_girlfriend_is_a_cow_but/
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My dad died a few months ago

The funeral was last weekend, and during the body exposure, my first brother went to his coffin and said: "Dad, I would be nothing without you. You were always there in times of need and I feel like I owe you something". So he took out 200$ out of his wallet and dropped it in the coffin. Then, my second brother went to my dad and said: "You helped me so much dad, whenever I called, you were always happy to lend a hand. I also owe you something". So he dropped 300$ into the coffin. Finnally, i went to him and said: "Out of all of us, you probably helped me the most. I owe you big time". So I took the 500$ already in there, wrote a 1000$ check and dropped it in the coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zgp82/my_dad_died_a_few_months_ago/
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What’s the difference between a Sealion and a Seal?

A missing electron
(Creds to u/Koshkee)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zgi33/whats_the_difference_between_a_sealion_and_a_seal/
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There's alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.

But I think people should Romaine calm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zgh6c/theres_alot_of_panic_regarding_the_ecoli_outbreak/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zgc0v/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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An Original Holiday Joke

What do you call it when a wife is required to give her husband a BJ on Thanksgiving?
A gobligation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zgamm/an_original_holiday_joke/
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I went to a Jamaican hairdresser once

It was dreadful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zg4l1/i_went_to_a_jamaican_hairdresser_once/
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I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zg01v/i_have_the_eye_of_a_tiger_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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I watched a dog show today and was not impressed. My Mutt would run circles around these Pure Breds!

And probably get disqualified for doing so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zfxix/i_watched_a_dog_show_today_and_was_not_impressed/
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If April showers, bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring?

Pilgrims.
And what do Pilgrims bring?
Smallpox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zfx73/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do/
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I wasn't sure if my friend was fingering my girlfriend while she was on her period...

...but then I caught him red-handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zfw24/i_wasnt_sure_if_my_friend_was_fingering_my/
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Did you hear about that aggressive guy from Taiwan?

He was a real Taipei Personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zfv7o/did_you_hear_about_that_aggressive_guy_from_taiwan/
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Kid: "Dear Santa, I want a younger brother for Christmas."

Santa: "Send me your mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zfssj/kid_dear_santa_i_want_a_younger_brother_for/
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If you tell me to stop acting like a Flamingo one more time...

...I'm going to have to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zfr8b/if_you_tell_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo_one/
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I heard that as a 40 yo. guy, I should have sex on average 53 times a year.

December is gonna be awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zfl6d/i_heard_that_as_a_40_yo_guy_i_should_have_sex_on/
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I was at a deli when the waitress asked me “What would you like?”

I said, “I want to DEVOUR THE UNBORN!”
Waitress: What the fuck?
Me: Eggs. I want eggs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zfkyu/i_was_at_a_deli_when_the_waitress_asked_me_what/
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Genie: I will grant you two wishes.

Guy: two? It’s always three, right?
Genie: look at your crotch.
Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick that I have now.
Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. I know my business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zficl/genie_i_will_grant_you_two_wishes/
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Why is Thanksgiving so awkward in Hollywood?

So many of the producers want to sit at the kids table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zfhk7/why_is_thanksgiving_so_awkward_in_hollywood/
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How do you stop a rhinoceros from charging?

Call customer service to dispute the purchase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zfgr8/how_do_you_stop_a_rhinoceros_from_charging/
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Golden showers result in one thing

Getting pissed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zfbp8/golden_showers_result_in_one_thing/
%
The Flood

It rains heavily for several days and flood waters start to rise. People are being evacuated as the water covers the ground completely.
The village priest is forced onto the roof of his house to escape drowning. He is sitting calmly and patiently in his soaking wet clothes when a lifeboat comes along.
“GET IN” the lifeboat crew shouts against the wind.
“No” says the priest calmly. “God will save me”
Despite their pleas, the priest would not leave so the lifeboat crew abandoned him to go look for other stranded people.
An hour passes and the water is starting to reach the priest’s roof. A helicopter flies past and sees the priest on the roof. The toss down a step ladder and call for him to climb up.
“No” says the priest calmly. “God will save me”
Despite their pleas, the priest would not leave so the helicopter crew abandoned him to go look for other stranded people.
Another hour passes and the water level has surpassed the roof and the priest is now swimming to stay alive. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a Submarine surfaces next to him. The hatch in top opens and the captain shouts at the priest to climb in.
“No” says the priest calmly. “God will save me”
Despite his pleas, the priest would not leave so the captain closed the hatch and abandoned him to go look for other stranded people.
The priest died.
When he reaches heaven, the first thing he does is run up to god and say
“Your holiness, I have been your devout follower for my whole life. I put my trust and faith in you to save me when I needed help. Why did you forsake me and leave me to drown?”
God looked at the priest and said
“I sent you a lifeboat, a helicopter, and even a submarine. Was that not good enough?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zf6t3/the_flood/
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I've only been in jail five minutes and I've already been raped twice.

My uncle doesn't fuck around when it comes to playing Monopoly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zf5jh/ive_only_been_in_jail_five_minutes_and_ive/
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I have two neighbours, one is a dick and the other is nuts.

/rAmITheAsshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zf576/i_have_two_neighbours_one_is_a_dick_and_the_other/
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Two friends named Monty and Jason went to a movie theater. Monty went ahead to grab the tickets leaving Jason waiting behind.

While queuing for the tickets, Monty chats up the gentleman in front of him, "Hey, I'm Monty," he says. The gentleman amicably replies, "Hola, soy Santiago."
Hearing the man's response, Monty immediately runs away and returns alarmed to his friend, shouting, "There's a Spanish in queue Jason"
Frankly, Jason was not expecting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zf4rd/two_friends_named_monty_and_jason_went_to_a_movie/
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Did you hear Donald Trump is outlawing string cheese?

Yeah, I guess he wants to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zez08/did_you_hear_donald_trump_is_outlawing_string/
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The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I'm confused...

... because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zewzb/the_parade_has_been_on_for_more_than_15_minutes/
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The founders of Canada were sitting around, trying to come up with a name for their new country.

They couldn't come up with anything until one of them suggested putting all of the letters of the alphabet into a hat and drawing them out one at a time. The eldest member of the group was chosen to draw letters. So he starts in. "C, eh. N, eh. D, eh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zewmi/the_founders_of_canada_were_sitting_around_trying/
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I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of starburst, and a cold drink...

nowadays they got cameras everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zeudx/i_remember_when_i_was_a_kid_i_could_go_to_the/
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A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.
"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do."
The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men."
The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!"
The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zetvr/a_doctor_a_priest_and_an_engineer_go_golfing/
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Einstein had to Speak at an Important Science Conference (Reposti)

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zet4q/einstein_had_to_speak_at_an_important_science/
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Pretty women sneezes at a hotel restaurant.........

a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zeq8u/pretty_women_sneezes_at_a_hotel_restaurant/
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I used to sell drugs to kids at the school for the visually impaired until I was caught...

Luckily they turned a blind eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zepn4/i_used_to_sell_drugs_to_kids_at_the_school_for/
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What do you call a depressed gingerbread man?

A cookie cutter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zen7r/what_do_you_call_a_depressed_gingerbread_man/
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The world record for longest consecutive constipation is 368 days

But if you ask me I say that guy was full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zel33/the_world_record_for_longest_consecutive/
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What's the chicken's favourite gaming console?

The eggs' box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zekv2/whats_the_chickens_favourite_gaming_console/
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I’d like to start with the chimney jokes

I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zekdc/id_like_to_start_with_the_chimney_jokes/
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An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York

And says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough".
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each other, and I am sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're not going to divorce!" she shouts. "I'II take care of this". She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning. Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay," he says, "this year they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own way.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zeiyy/an_old_man_in_phoenix_calls_his_son_in_new_york/
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I was fired from an Apple Store because of sleeping on the job.

It's not my fault there are so many sheep to count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zeg75/i_was_fired_from_an_apple_store_because_of/
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The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."

I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ze9sf/the_turkey_says_gobble_gobble/
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My wife didn't believe that my communist friend could predict the weather, but I said;

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ze65y/my_wife_didnt_believe_that_my_communist_friend/
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I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.

But then I had to quit cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zdzpn/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_thanksgiving_leftovers/
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New husband and wife

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the  groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride  was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the  next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by  step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to  get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked  really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've  been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the  counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zdyin/new_husband_and_wife/
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Three old ladies

sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher comes by.
The flasher stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.
The first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady had a stroke.
But, the third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zdwtz/three_old_ladies/
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This week a John Edwards of Des Moines Iowa passed away at the age of 102.

Mr. Edwards was recently asked in an interview what he attributed to his long life and he replied:
"Well every morning I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and before I eat it I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it. I  believe the gunpowder keeps me young and vibrant."
Edwards leaves behind seven children, twenty one grandchildren, eighteen great-grandchildren, and a fifteen foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zdwhr/this_week_a_john_edwards_of_des_moines_iowa/
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I got a rejection letter from the origami university today,

I’m not sure what to make of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zduhi/i_got_a_rejection_letter_from_the_origami/
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I tried to deep fry my turkey this year but it went horribly wrong

Boom. Roasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zdthb/i_tried_to_deep_fry_my_turkey_this_year_but_it/
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Viva voce in India

Students go to an Engineering Viva Exam.
The first guy goes into the class, and the professor begins the Viva voce with a question...
Let's say you are traveling by train and its getting hot. What will you do?
Open the window... he answers.
Very good...the professor continues..
Now...The window has a surface of 1.5 m2...
The compartment has a volume of 12 m3...
The train speeds 80 kph to the west...
The south wind is blowing at 5 mps...
How quickly will the space be refreshed?
The student does not know the answer and fails the exam.
He gets out and tells the other students the question.
The second student goes in, and the professor begins with the question...
Lets say you are traveling by train and it's getting hot. What will you do?
Sir, I'll take off my coat... answers the student.
But It's very hot!...Continues the professor.
Then I'll Take off my shirt and my baniyan also.
But It's damn hot!...The professor adamantly insists.
Then I'll take off my pants and socks, Sir.
But you can't sit naked in the train!!!! They will report you to the police... said the angry professor.
The student confidently answers...
Sir, whatever happens, I am not going to open that window!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zds8d/viva_voce_in_india/
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For all the single guys on this sub, my advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo who likes you, and marry her.

She knows how to make bad decisions, and then stick with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zdqvx/for_all_the_single_guys_on_this_sub_my_advice_is/
%
I asked a German girl for her phone number.

She told me it was 999-999-9999.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zdp6d/i_asked_a_german_girl_for_her_phone_number/
%
What is the only kind of meat a priest can eat on Lenten Fridays?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zdh22/what_is_the_only_kind_of_meat_a_priest_can_eat_on/
%
What was wrong with the Chameleon who couldn't change it's colour?

It had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zdclx/what_was_wrong_with_the_chameleon_who_couldnt/
%
I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, "Why?! Is it because I'm small and cute!?"

"No..." I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zd5rd/i_met_this_sexy_girl_in_a_club_tonight_and_told/
%
Shout out to my grandma

that's the only way she can hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zd4v1/shout_out_to_my_grandma/
%
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zd1b9/so_tekashi69_could_face_life_in_prison/
%
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zd00a/it_has_been_scientifically_proven_that_girls/
%
I was walking through the cemetery early one day

I seen the top of a head peeking above a tombstone. "Morning" I said, he replied "no just taking a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zcw2w/i_was_walking_through_the_cemetery_early_one_day/
%
I make women wet all the time.You wanna know my secret?

Be a useless plumber like me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zcus4/i_make_women_wet_all_the_timeyou_wanna_know_my/
%
I hate jokes about german sausages.

They're the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zcqog/i_hate_jokes_about_german_sausages/
%
A young woman was so depressed with her life that she decided to end it by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "Moreover, I'm lonely too and need someone to love me." The girl understood what he meant. But she nodded yes; after all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her food and wine and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's fucking me." The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zcn6h/a_young_woman_was_so_depressed_with_her_life_that/
%
Let’s talk about Roman numerals....

What are they good IV?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zclmr/lets_talk_about_roman_numerals/
%
I gave my umbrella to a girl today

That changes the count of 'how many girls I've made wet this year' to -1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zcftu/i_gave_my_umbrella_to_a_girl_today/
%
What's big, brown and in a girl's panties?

Billy Cosby's hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zcck7/whats_big_brown_and_in_a_girls_panties/
%
What do necrophiliacs say when they get into serious trouble

"I'm fucking dead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zc99v/what_do_necrophiliacs_say_when_they_get_into/
%
At a job interview, I was asked where I could see myself in 5 years

I said, in a mirror, just like I can today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zc7tn/at_a_job_interview_i_was_asked_where_i_could_see/
%
My Wife : When i said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a shell or something.

Me : [trying to restrain a Seagull] FUCKIN SAY THAT THEN!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zc7pe/my_wife_when_i_said_bring_me_something_back_from/
%
A male and female deer have sex and make a baby.... they

‘’Fawn’icated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zc4zr/a_male_and_female_deer_have_sex_and_make_a_baby/
%
I said to my boss "nice new mercedes" . He said..

.. "Well if you hit your targets, work hard, stay focused next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zc45c/i_said_to_my_boss_nice_new_mercedes_he_said/
%
What do you call a man who became a woman and is a nun

A Transister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zc3jd/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_became_a_woman_and_is/
%
With all the lettuce that’s being banned...

I guess we are seeing the second fall of the Romaine empire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zc29b/with_all_the_lettuce_thats_being_banned/
%
Why did C swell up

Because it got stung by A B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zc1mx/why_did_c_swell_up/
%
Why were all of Napoleon's bones broken in two?

Because he was Napoleon bone apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zbw0y/why_were_all_of_napoleons_bones_broken_in_two/
%
People ask me where i can see myself in two years.

Unfortunately, I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zbv4t/people_ask_me_where_i_can_see_myself_in_two_years/
%
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?

Copy and basting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zbv07/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_family_passes_down_a/
%
What did the turkey say on Thanksgiving?

Eat my ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zbr77/what_did_the_turkey_say_on_thanksgiving/
%
I've been in jail for only 5 minutes now and I've already been raped twice

My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zbp8q/ive_been_in_jail_for_only_5_minutes_now_and_ive/
%
My Thanksgiving dinners are historically accurate

I invite myself into a stranger's house for dinner, eat all his food and then tell him I live there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zbnz1/my_thanksgiving_dinners_are_historically_accurate/
%
You know,my life is somewhat similar to Simba

The uncles fucked up our childhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zbnk4/you_knowmy_life_is_somewhat_similar_to_simba/
%
I like my women like I like my Windows folders.

Always on top. And hidden items visible.
(Sorry if this is a repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zbgi3/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_windows_folders/
%
Just read an article on how JFK died.

Mind. Blown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zbdkm/just_read_an_article_on_how_jfk_died/
%
I think I might be butt-ugly...

Today, my proctologist stuck their finger in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zbabw/i_think_i_might_be_buttugly/
%
There was a group of terrorists

And one guy wanted to know how many of them believed in ghosts. He asks the group and everyone raises their hands.
"Hmm, alright, how many people have seen a ghost?" A couple hands go down.
"How many have spoken to one?" More hands go down.
"How many of you guys have touched a ghost?" Somehow there are still a few hands up.
"Who here has fucked a ghost?" All hands go back up.
"What the hell guys, have you all actually fucked a ghost?!!!" He asks frustratingly.
One terrorist replies, "Oh, we thought you said goat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zb7bv/there_was_a_group_of_terrorists/
%
I don't mean to brag, but I just completed a jigsaw puzzle in just under a week...

and the box said 2-4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zb67t/i_dont_mean_to_brag_but_i_just_completed_a_jigsaw/
%
An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zb65j/an_engineer_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
%
An American woman went to a Hindu wedding in India...

and bought some traditional clothing to wear to it. When she got to the wedding, she saw another guest wearing the same thing she was, and was very upset.
"I can't believe I traveled halfway around the world, and someone wore the same dress as I did!", she cried.
"Sari", said the other guest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zb2u0/an_american_woman_went_to_a_hindu_wedding_in_india/
%
Stalin was quoted as saying "Dark humor is like food..."

"Not everyone gets it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zb0uu/stalin_was_quoted_as_saying_dark_humor_is_like/
%
My wife says my penis is below average

But she also says my knees are average

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zb047/my_wife_says_my_penis_is_below_average/
%
What do you call a herd of steers masturbating?

Beef strokinoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zauka/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_steers_masturbating/
%
Billy has 5 albums by Morrissey and he buys 2 more, what does Billy have?

Depression, Billy has depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zau9v/billy_has_5_albums_by_morrissey_and_he_buys_2/
%
What do you call Viagra for Pokemon?

PP UP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zau2c/what_do_you_call_viagra_for_pokemon/
%
Whats the difference between Harry potter and Jews

Harry managed to escape the chambers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zaqvh/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_jews/
%
My friends surprised me with a massage for my bachelor party today.

I was really touched

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zap1x/my_friends_surprised_me_with_a_massage_for_my/
%
What's heartbreaking but heartwarming at the same time?

A flaming arrow to the chest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zaovm/whats_heartbreaking_but_heartwarming_at_the_same/
%
Why are jokes about Rasputin bad.

... Because of the poor execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zamqd/why_are_jokes_about_rasputin_bad/
%
Wife: Did you know the library has a telescope that you can borrow?

Me: Huh, we should look into that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zalxu/wife_did_you_know_the_library_has_a_telescope/
%
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you
down?"
"Yes", the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zajdw/the_mother_of_a_problem_child_was_advised_by_a/
%
My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.

Well, three can play that game!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zain9/my_friend_is_spreading_rumours_about_me_being/
%
Gay pirate ship

What's the crew's favorite activity on a gay Pirate Ship? Splittin' all the booty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zaibn/gay_pirate_ship/
%
First timer

A guy goes into the bar and orders 6 tequilas. The bartender sets em up and he quickly knocks them back 1 by 1. The bartender says "What are you celebrating?" The guy says "I got my first Blow job today!" The bartender says "Congratulations! Have a drink on the house!" The guy says No that's OK...if 6 tequilas don't get rid of the taste, another won't make any difference."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zaeyt/first_timer/
%
Time Traveler

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve time-travelers here."
A time-traveler walks into a bar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zaeb6/time_traveler/
%
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.

The wedding ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9zadi9/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof_fell_in_love_and_got/
%
How did the first woman get into outer space?

Chuck Norris came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9za88l/how_did_the_first_woman_get_into_outer_space/
%
I was at my girlfriends house the other night

Her dad wouldn’t let us sleep in the same bed.
That honestly made me pretty upset because he was pretty handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9za88d/i_was_at_my_girlfriends_house_the_other_night/
%
I don't have any patience.

I am not a very good doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9za30q/i_dont_have_any_patience/
%
What does a sexy tree give you?

Hardwood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9za2zu/what_does_a_sexy_tree_give_you/
%
My car was near totaled in a hit and run today

It's a good thing I was already texting so I got a picture of the fuckers plate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z9wb1/my_car_was_near_totaled_in_a_hit_and_run_today/
%
A lot of people say negative things about my teeth

I normally just brush it off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z9upt/a_lot_of_people_say_negative_things_about_my_teeth/
%
So, I was getting bullied for being straight, but I didn't care.

Because harassment more to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z9qhc/so_i_was_getting_bullied_for_being_straight_but_i/
%
What's the difference between a woman and a hand?

One of them can cook, clean and give you an unrivaled sexual release.
The other's a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z9q72/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a_hand/
%
Old people at wedding always poke me and tell me “you are next”

So i started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z9ns8/old_people_at_wedding_always_poke_me_and_tell_me/
%
I went to a job interview

The interviewer asked me where I saw myself in two years.
I said "I'm not sure, I don't have 2020 vision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z9msd/i_went_to_a_job_interview/
%
I need a brain transplant

Change my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z9eq2/i_need_a_brain_transplant/
%
I went to the post office to pick up my wife and I's new car spoilers, only to find out our package was delayed. It was then one of the workers came over and said

This post contains no spoilers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z99am/i_went_to_the_post_office_to_pick_up_my_wife_and/
%
Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z98ep/why_did_snoop_dogg_need_an_umbrella/
%
My girlfriend abruptly broke up with me

She found out that I was missing a toe on my left foot.
I had no idea she was lack toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z97c9/my_girlfriend_abruptly_broke_up_with_me/
%
I cannot believe there's no cure for obesity yet.

I thought it would be a walk in the park.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z97bf/i_cannot_believe_theres_no_cure_for_obesity_yet/
%
NSFW a request

A couple of soldiers are on a battlefield fighting from a trench. The enemy is slowly gaining ground on their position and they all realize that they are about to die.
One soldier says to the others: “hey guys, we’re about to die. Before we do, would one of you mind giving me a blowjob”?
The other men in the trench all tell him “hell no”, the last thing they do isn’t gonna be giving someone a blowjob.
The first soldier says “fine”, lights up a cigarette and hops out of the trench and walks off casually with bullets flying all around and grenades going off left and right.
The remaining soldiers figure he’s gonna be dead in a matter of seconds.
About 10 minutes later the soldiers jumps back into the trench and all of the others go up to him and asks him what happened.
“Well, since none of you wanted to help me out, I went and found someone who would”! And he goes into a detailed story about how he found one of the battlefield nurses and they had crazy wild sex in every position you could imagine.
One of the soldiers who had stayed in the trench asks if he ever got his blowjob.
“Nah man, I never found her head”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z94lv/nsfw_a_request/
%
I had sex with a turkey. I know what you’re all thinking...

That’s fowl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z9038/i_had_sex_with_a_turkey_i_know_what_youre_all/
%
One day little Johnny came back early from school and walked in on his parents having sex

One day little johnny came back early from school and walked in on his parents having sex. The parents got flustered and got dressed in haste.
"Why are you jumping on daddy?" asked Johnny.
"Daddy has a big belly, so mommy is trying to help flatten it for him".
4 months go past and one day little johnny runs into the kitchen and yells
"Mommy, mommy, I know why daddy's belly is still big even if you jump on it!"
The mum blushes, but stoically plays along with him. "Oh really, how so?"
"The lady next door blows it back up again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z8yjr/one_day_little_johnny_came_back_early_from_school/
%
What do you call a cheap wig?

A small price toupee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z8ovt/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_wig/
%
"Fuck it I don't care what they say I'm going to eat this lettuce!"

"Only the strong will *Romaine*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z8l09/fuck_it_i_dont_care_what_they_say_im_going_to_eat/
%
The local prostitutes charge 50 euros for a hand job.

I'm saving a fortune by doing it myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z8j59/the_local_prostitutes_charge_50_euros_for_a_hand/
%
We're having a traditional Thanksgiving tomorrow

We're going to the invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and claim their land as our own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z8j11/were_having_a_traditional_thanksgiving_tomorrow/
%
I was walking home drunk when I came across some people collecting for charity.

I don't know why they got so upset when I vomited in their bucket of coins and banknotes.
They had clearly labelled it: FOR THE SICK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z8g4z/i_was_walking_home_drunk_when_i_came_across_some/
%
what do you call Scandinavian porn?

Pjorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z8a9a/what_do_you_call_scandinavian_porn/
%
If trees could kill you

They wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z83no/if_trees_could_kill_you/
%
A Scotsman walks into a bakery and asks ‘is that a donut or a meringue?’

The baker says ‘nah you’re right, it’s a donut’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z82t6/a_scotsman_walks_into_a_bakery_and_asks_is_that_a/
%
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here

Wanting to know what love is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z80qr/bloody_foreigner_coming_over_here/
%
If I had a nickle for every gender...

I'd have 10 cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z7x54/if_i_had_a_nickle_for_every_gender/
%
I can definitely get 10,000 ball bearings for a dollar

I definitely can.  100 per cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z7qqd/i_can_definitely_get_10000_ball_bearings_for_a/
%
Why do you have to call a priest "father"?

Because daddy is too obvious..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z7q47/why_do_you_have_to_call_a_priest_father/
%
What do you call an IT teacher that touches kids?

A pdf file.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z7oox/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_that_touches_kids/
%
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?

He's on a round house kick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z7omx/have_you_heard_that_chuck_norris_has_started/
%
What's the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z7nts/whats_the_leading_cause_of_dry_skin/
%
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z7g8c/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_luke_got_him_for/
%
Dad - Son, what are you doing with that cucumber in your ass?

Son - it is not what it seems!
Dad - ok then, explain!
Son - it might seem like a cucumber but is actually a zucchini.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z7c2c/dad_son_what_are_you_doing_with_that_cucumber_in/
%
They say yoga without breathing is just stretching.

It's actually called passing out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z7a9b/they_say_yoga_without_breathing_is_just_stretching/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexia Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z764f/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
I can't believe people are still asking each other "Who came first, the chicken or the egg"

It was obviously the rooster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z75io/i_cant_believe_people_are_still_asking_each_other/
%
A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.
So they ask Trump, he obliges.
Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"
The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z750t/a_child_is_ill_and_the_make_a_wish_foundation/
%
A man comes home from the pub....

...to his wife. He’s very drunk and she’s very annoyed. She says to him “if you go out again tomorrow and get drunk again I’m leaving you...”
Next day, the man goes to the pub and says to his friends “if I get drunk tonight and go home the wife will leave me so I can’t get drunk”.
Needless to say he proceeds to get drunk, I mean really drunk, so much so that he proceeds to be sick all over himself. Worried that his wife will leave him his pal says “don’t worry stick £20 in your jacket inside pocket and tell her that someone threw up over you and they gave you that £20 for the dry cleaning costs”. The man agrees and goes home.
Anyway, he gets home and tells his wife that he’s not drunk, she says “No, no, no! You are drunk, look you’ve been sick over yourself...”. Man looks down and says “You’ve got it all wrong, look someone else was sick on me and this £20 here is from the man to cover the cleaning cost”. She looks at him and says “but you’ve got two £20 notes in your hand?” and the man says “yes the other is from the chap who shat in my pants....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z72xp/a_man_comes_home_from_the_pub/
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I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z6zr3/ive_decided_that_from_january_1st_im_only_going/
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Never go on a date with a cactus

They'll spike your drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z6y0q/never_go_on_a_date_with_a_cactus/
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A political joke that makes everyone laugh.

One day, North Korea decides that they wish to invade America by destroying it from the inside. They decided to scrap the idea when they realized that there is an entire political party already trying to do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z6kzu/a_political_joke_that_makes_everyone_laugh/
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Con artist warning!

A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other in the back. Once on the road, the one in the back will take off her top and play with her boobs. The one in the passenger seat will ask he victim to pull over. Once the car stops, she goes down on him while her friend in the back steals the unsuspecting victims wallet.
My wallet was stolen this way on Monday, Wednesday and twice on Thursday so please be careful!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z6kvf/con_artist_warning/
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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z6hs3/after_every_flight_pilots_fill_out_a_form_called/
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A little boy kills....

A little boy kills a butterfly.
Dad says, "No Butter for 2 weeks".
The little boy kills a honeybee
Dad says, "No honey for 2 weeks".
Mom kills a cockroach.
The little boy, turns to dad and says, " Are you gonna tell her or should I ?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z6h9m/a_little_boy_kills/
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I once met a soldier who had never lost a battle.

It was considered impolite to mention that he had never actually fought a battle, either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z6frd/i_once_met_a_soldier_who_had_never_lost_a_battle/
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What do you call an overweight psychic?

A four-chin teller!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z6e06/what_do_you_call_an_overweight_psychic/
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A teacher asks her student...

Teacher: "Rachel, what's the part of the body that can grow 9 times its initial size?"
R: "The penis"
T: "The pupil, but congratulate your boyfriend"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z642z/a_teacher_asks_her_student/
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Two engineering students are walking on campus.

One of them is walking alongside a bicycle.
The other asked him where he got it.
“Cool story. A feminist came up to me riding this bike, jumped off, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want!”
The other student replied,
“Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t fit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z62t3/two_engineering_students_are_walking_on_campus/
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How does the Chinese chef go to work?

He woks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z626l/how_does_the_chinese_chef_go_to_work/
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A woman comes home after a hard day of work . . .

and she decides she wants to pamper herself by having a milk bath. She calls a nearby grocery store and asks the manager if she can get 30 gallons of milk.
"For what?" he says
"I want to pamper myself by bathing in milk," she says.
"Pasteurized?" he asks.
"No, just up to my nipples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z60en/a_woman_comes_home_after_a_hard_day_of_work/
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A little boy is pulling a wagon down the street..

As he was walking, a wheel fell off the wagon and he said "Holy shit!" A preacher happened to be nearby and approached the boy and said "Don't swear like that young man, instead say Praise the Lord"
The boy obliged and said "Ok then... Praise the Lord!" Just as he said that, the wheel rolled back towards the wagon and attached itself and the priest said "Holy shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z5xwf/a_little_boy_is_pulling_a_wagon_down_the_street/
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Three little pigs go to court

Three little pigs are in a court room in front of a judge.
The judge asks the first little pig,
“Why are you here?”
The first little pig says,
“Well, I’m here for blowing bubbles in the mud...”
The judge, rather confused, doesn’t question the little pig and moves onto the second little pig and asks,
“Alright, why are YOU here?”
The second little pig says,
<sigh> “Well, I’m also here for blowing bubbles in the mud...”
The judge this time is extremely confused and annoyed.
As she grows more impatient, the judge asks,
“Okay. You. Why are you here then?”
The third little pig lets out a little giggle and says in a cute voice,
“I’m bubbles!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z5xjh/three_little_pigs_go_to_court/
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Once a vegan told me: "People who sell meat are gross"

I said: "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z5van/once_a_vegan_told_me_people_who_sell_meat_are/
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A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z5ua4/a_chinese_doctor_cant_find_a_job_in_a_hospital_in/
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My 6-year old nephew asked me to share his joke with my Internet friends, so enjoy!

Q: Why did the window frame hurt?
A: It had window pains!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z5ssu/my_6year_old_nephew_asked_me_to_share_his_joke/
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Without Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11

We'd have IX/XI instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z5ryl/without_arabs_we_wouldnt_have_911/
%
What do you call a Saltine container filled with ducks?

A box of quackers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z5ols/what_do_you_call_a_saltine_container_filled_with/
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Why did Lady Gaga throw the lettuce out

Cuz it was a bad romaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z5njp/why_did_lady_gaga_throw_the_lettuce_out/
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3 men were standing at the Pearly gates when St. Peter asked them what happened...

The 1st man says:
"I walked into my apartment and found my wife naked with her clothes all over the floor along with another man's clothes. Enraged, I ran around the apartment trying to look for him but I couldn't find any trace of him. In my anger, I was able to lift our refrigerator and throw it out the window of our 8th-floor apartment. I guess the strain was too much and I had a heart attack and died"
St. Peter "Ok, so what happened to you?" he asked the 2nd man.
The 2nd man says:
"Well, I was walking down the sidewalk when I noticed everyone was looking up and pointing at something. I looked up and saw a giant object directly above me that was big enough to block out the sun. It kept getting closer and closer but by the time I noticed it was actually a refrigerator, it was too late and it crushed me."
St. Peter, rubbing his head, gestures to the 3rd man:
"Ok... so I was sleeping with this woman then she tells me to get into the refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z5mm9/3_men_were_standing_at_the_pearly_gates_when_st/
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Monty Smith

Monty has five letters in his first name...
He has 5 letters in his second name...
He has lived his entire life at 555 West 55th Street
In NYC
And worked his entire career at Saks 5 Avenue
He met his wife in Fifth Grade..
He has 5 kids and owns 5 cars...
Needless to say, he has a thing for the number 5
One day at the track
Running in the 5th race, in the 5th position is a horse called Numero Cinco...
He says to himself... OMG this is it ...
He runs to to bank and puts his life saving on this horse...
Would you believe, the forking horse came in
FIFTH!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z5eka/monty_smith/
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Did you hear about the detective who dropped his tablet while pondering the case?

It's fine, he had only scratched the Surface.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z5bc1/did_you_hear_about_the_detective_who_dropped_his/
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My ex-wife still misses me..

But her aim is steadily improving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z5975/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
%
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn’t close his casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z58vn/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_died_of_a_viagra/
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What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z58in/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_cries_while_he/
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One small step for Man...

Neil Armstrong was asked... when you stepped on the moon... in that enormous moment... how did you come up with the saying...
“ One small step for man, and one giant leap for mankind”... What an incredible quote!!!
He said I never said that!!
I actually said “One small step for man and one giant leap for Manny Klein !”
What ?? said the interviewer, who’s Manny Klein..
Well back when I lived in Houston and trained there for NASA, I had this neighbor ... Manny Klein...
The houses were close together...
We had a power outage and late at night I heard his wife say...
You want me to suck what?!
When man walks on the moon!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z56w7/one_small_step_for_man/
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I asked my friend, Simon, "how many candles on the minora...?

He replied "I don't know."
"But you're Jewish!" I said.
"Yes, but I'm not observant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z55rk/i_asked_my_friend_simon_how_many_candles_on_the/
%
A man walks into a bakery.

There's a few persons in front of him and when he gets to the counter, there's a bag ready for him. He checks the insides and is pleasantly suprised. "How do you know what I'd order?"
The baker answers: "I saw you were browsing r/jokes, so I knew you'd order the usual past*e*ry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z545c/a_man_walks_into_a_bakery/
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My friend asked if I wanted to be the Terminator or a 17th century composer for halloween

So I said "I'll be Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z537l/my_friend_asked_if_i_wanted_to_be_the_terminator/
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A soldier and a citizen are sharing a cigarette in soviet Moscow one evening when they see a man hurrying down the street...

"Hey! You there! Stop, comrade!" says the soldier.
The man continues to rush down the street, nearly at a full run.
"I said STOP!" shouts the soldier as he shoulders his rifle.
The man continues his rush down the street as a crack thunders through the air and the man falls to the ground having been shot by the soldier.
"Why'd you do that?" asks the citizen calmly taking a drag from the cigarette.
"Curfew" replies the soldier.
"But, curfew isn't for another hour..." says the citizen in confusion.
"Yes, but that man is a good friend of mine. I know where he lives. He couldn't have made it home in time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z51ak/a_soldier_and_a_citizen_are_sharing_a_cigarette/
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Want to know how to make your wife angry during sex?

Call her in the middle of it and say you'll be home in an hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z50dr/want_to_know_how_to_make_your_wife_angry_during/
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TIFU by installing my fence on my neighbors property

Oops, wrong place for this post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z4vzt/tifu_by_installing_my_fence_on_my_neighbors/
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r/Jokes has finally started to do something about all the reposts

If you see a reposted joke, they'll refund your subscription fees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z4sod/rjokes_has_finally_started_to_do_something_about/
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A man and his wife went fishing one day.

As they were fishing, they spotted the Coast Guard coming towards them.
The wife said,
"Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea."
The husband said,
"Are you mad, woman, that's our food for tonight. Take one fish and hide it in your panties."
The wife said,
"And what about the smell???"
The husband replied,
"Just block the fish's nose...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z4rvj/a_man_and_his_wife_went_fishing_one_day/
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A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.
-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over your brother?"
Guy: "No, even more bad news. I just found out that my father is now gay..."
Bartender looks shocked, but then just gives the man his drinks and leaves him alone.
-Next Day-
Again, the same guy enters the bar and orders his 3 shots.
Bartender: "More bad news I assume?"
Guy: "Yep, uncle this time..."
Bartender shakes his head and gives the man his drinks.
-Next Day-
Same guy, same drink order.
This time the bartender throws up his hands in disbelief!
Bartender: "DOES ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?"
Guy: "Yep....My Wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z4qaq/a_homophobic_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_immediately/
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When a china man haves to pay what him name is ?

Ka Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z4mck/when_a_china_man_haves_to_pay_what_him_name_is/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It don't matter whatcha call em, he ain't coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z4ht3/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Whats ET short for

It’s because his legs are little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z4g4s/whats_et_short_for/
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Why was the new born baby crying in his anti vax mom hands

He was having a mid life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z4fwx/why_was_the_new_born_baby_crying_in_his_anti_vax/
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An Old But Gold Mathematical Joke

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z4e4g/an_old_but_gold_mathematical_joke/
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I was wondering when is the sun gonna rise...

...then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z4dpp/i_was_wondering_when_is_the_sun_gonna_rise/
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I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday

Fucking Hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z42rp/i_got_hit_by_a_rental_car_on_the_way_to_work/
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A mars rover murdered the dredge

Or in other words, Curiosity killed the CAT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z4071/a_mars_rover_murdered_the_dredge/
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If you could be any kind of potato, what would you be?

I’d be a sweet potato, because I yam what I yam and that’s all I can be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z3ze7/if_you_could_be_any_kind_of_potato_what_would_you/
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Apparently there is a new trend of mixing in glitter with marijuana...

I hear it's pretty dope....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z3s9y/apparently_there_is_a_new_trend_of_mixing_in/
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My girlfriend said I'm nothing but a bare-faced liar

So I've grown a beard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z3s4w/my_girlfriend_said_im_nothing_but_a_barefaced_liar/
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My New Year’s resolution was to get in shape.

I chose round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z3rxh/my_new_years_resolution_was_to_get_in_shape/
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I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z3rgf/i_cannot_believe_no_ones_come_up_with_a_cure_for/
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Nuns

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line,
"If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z3p65/nuns/
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I needed a password with 8 characters

I used "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z3ngd/i_needed_a_password_with_8_characters/
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The one with a big hole and an anvil

So there were two hunters walking in the wilderness when one spots a giant hole.
"Holy guacamole, look out for that hole!" he says to the other hunter.
Noticing it, the second hunter has an idea. "I wonder how deep it is." he says, picking up a rusty anvil sitting on the ground and dropping it in.
The hunters wait there a few seconds and never hear anything. Suddenly, they notice a baby goat running incredibly fast toward the hole and falling right in!
Dazed and confused, the hunters see a farmers coming toward them calling for someone frantically. "Becky! Becky!"
The farmer, defeated, walks up to the hunters and asks them if they have seen Becky, his baby goat around there.
"Yeah, man," the first hunter says, "just a moment ago it was running like 100 miles per hour and fell straight down this hole!" He points at the hole.
The farmer glares at him, confused.
"That's impossible! I had her tied to an anvil!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z3lfy/the_one_with_a_big_hole_and_an_anvil/
%
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment

Tenants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z3l1x/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_fill_an_apartment/
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What did Jaime reply to Cersei, when she said she didn't want to have sex?

"I incest!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z3jo3/what_did_jaime_reply_to_cersei_when_she_said_she/
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Eskimo: 'If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?' Priest: 'No, not if you did not know.'

Eskimo: 'Then why did you tell me?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z3ghu/eskimo_if_i_did_not_know_about_god_and_sin_would/
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What do you get when you mix a porcupine and a turtle

A slow poke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z3c7l/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_porcupine_and_a/
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How does a shellfish get to hospital?

In a clambulance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z3bc1/how_does_a_shellfish_get_to_hospital/
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If you advertise your big new TV by putting the box out in the trash, I'm gonna steal it.

My cardboard fort only needs a few more pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z38yl/if_you_advertise_your_big_new_tv_by_putting_the/
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The science of ping pong balls...

Long, Science
A science convention is in town. So a chemist, physicist and engineer walk into a local bar. The bar tender sees them and says, "hey, you're all wise guys, how would I figure out the volume of this ping pong ball?" The chemist takes the ball from him, pulls out a graduated cylinder, fills it with water and observes how much it displaces and says "Done! This is the volume to the nearest mL!"  Not to be outdone, the physicist takes the ball, pulls out a micrometer, and measures its diameter. He scribbles some things down on a napkin, hands it to the bartender and says "Done! This is the volume to the nearest cubic micron!" Looking at them both like they're crazy, the engineer takes the ball, writes down the serial number, googles the manufacturer, shows the bartender the phone and says "Done! This is the true volume of the ball!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z363s/the_science_of_ping_pong_balls/
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I started a diet two weeks ago.

So far I've lost 14 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z338q/i_started_a_diet_two_weeks_ago/
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What did Santa say when he caught his wife in bed with another guy?

Hoe hoe hoe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z323p/what_did_santa_say_when_he_caught_his_wife_in_bed/
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I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So i asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z30rw/i_met_two_guys_wearing_matching_clothing_so_i/
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Two cats had a race across the English Channel.

One cat was British and the other French.
The British cat was named one two three.
The French cat was named une deux trois
Which cat won?
Answer: The British cat.
Why? une deux trois cat sank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z302i/two_cats_had_a_race_across_the_english_channel/
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Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room.

They  discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base  of his penis and the other one had a green ring. The fellow with the  red ring was examined first. In a few minutes he came out, all smiles,  and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."
Vastly relived, the  second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes  later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD.  I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated." Turning white, the young man  gasped, "But the first guy... he said it was no big deal!"
"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between **gangrene** and **lipstick**."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z2zlr/two_very_nervous_men_got_to_talking_in_the/
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Sign in a bar

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich : $ 5.50
Chicken Sandwich : $ 12.50
Hand Job : $60.00
Checking  his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and  beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks  to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."
The man replies, "Good then go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z2yy3/sign_in_a_bar/
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What did the Russian say when she was turned on?

I am soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z2xke/what_did_the_russian_say_when_she_was_turned_on/
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If two Vegans are arguing, is it still considered beef?

Asking for a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z2v7d/if_two_vegans_are_arguing_is_it_still_considered/
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How do you know a blonde has used your computer?

There is cheese infront of the mouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z2rxr/how_do_you_know_a_blonde_has_used_your_computer/
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I like my women how I like my coffee beans...

thrown in a burlap sack and transported halfway across South America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z2pcj/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee_beans/
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I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z2o69/i_wasnt_sure_how_comfortable_my_new_couch_would_be/
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Expensive dentist

One day, a man walked into a dentist's office and asked how much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"80$," said the dentist.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man said "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist said, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to 60$."
Looking annoyed the man said, "That's still too expensive !"
"Okay," the dentist said. "if i save on anesthesia and simple rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to 20$."
"Nope," moaned the man, "it;s still too much"
"Well," the dentist said, scratching his head, "if i let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to 10$."
"Marvelous, " said the man, "book my wife for next Monday !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z2kr7/expensive_dentist/
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What do Germans use to clean their shoes?

Polish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z2j2l/what_do_germans_use_to_clean_their_shoes/
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A burglar was going through the drawers of someone else's living room

when he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He froze, but after two or three minutes with nothing happening, he figured he'd imagined it, and continued. "Jesus is watching you." He turned and shone his torch across the room, eventually coming to rest on a parrot in the corner. He walked up to it and asked, "Did you say that?" "Oh, yes." responded the parrot. "So you can speak good English?" "Yes, pretty good" "What's your name?" "Moses." The burglar considered this, then replied, "What kind of IDIOT names a parrot Moses?" "The same kind of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z2h99/a_burglar_was_going_through_the_drawers_of/
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Batman and the Joker are in the retirement home together, working on crafts projects. Batman looks at Joker's cross-stitch of the night sky and asks, "Why'd you leave out the Dog Star?" Joker answers...

"Why sew Sirius?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z2f98/batman_and_the_joker_are_in_the_retirement_home/
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After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his teacher after class.
“I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?”
The teacher replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z29sa/after_40_years_as_a_gynecologist/
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?”, responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z22vm/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey_orders/
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One day an engineer was crossing a road when

a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer replied, "Hey, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z1xjs/one_day_an_engineer_was_crossing_a_road_when/
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently...

...you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z1wtf/i_wanted_to_marry_my_english_teacher_when_she_got/
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What's the most important thing for a horse when voting?

A stable economy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z1qeh/whats_the_most_important_thing_for_a_horse_when/
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Berman lives in Alabama and works a new construction job on weekdays.

On Monday he calls in and says, “I can’t come in today. I’m sick.”
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in again and says, “I can’t come in today. I’m sick.”
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, “He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.”
So the next day the boss calls Berman into his office, and says, “You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?”
Berman says, “No, I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she’s all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I’m fucking her.”
The boss says, “You fuck your sister?”
Berman says, “Hey, I told you I was sick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z1msp/berman_lives_in_alabama_and_works_a_new/
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So apparently shops are now selling tampons with bells on.

Must be just be for the Christmas period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z1lyk/so_apparently_shops_are_now_selling_tampons_with/
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So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter

It’s pretty nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z1g92/so_theres_this_guy_going_around_dipping_his/
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What do you call a bad riddle?

Voldemort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z1ek1/what_do_you_call_a_bad_riddle/
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G.W. Bush, Obama and Trump die and go to heaven...

where they meet god sitting on his throne. God asks Bush:" What do you believe in?" Bush answers: "I believe in free trade and our proud nation" and God invites him to his right place. God asks Obama the same question and he answers: " I believe in democracy, help for those who can't help themselfs and world peace" and god invites him to his left.
God then asks Trump: "Mr. Trump, what do you believe?"
Trump: "I believe you are sitting in my chair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z179t/gw_bush_obama_and_trump_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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I got kicked out of the library

for putting a feminism book in the Fictional section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z16xz/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_library/
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Don't argue with an anti-vaxxer.

Let them do their thing, and they will disappear. Eventually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z16kd/dont_argue_with_an_antivaxxer/
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What present can you give to the woman who has everything?

Antibiotics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z13rb/what_present_can_you_give_to_the_woman_who_has/
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There was a blackout tonight.

It was caused by the current situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z10pk/there_was_a_blackout_tonight/
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What did the Romaine lettuce say to the other one after the outbreak?

Romaine calm :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z0s7u/what_did_the_romaine_lettuce_say_to_the_other_one/
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What’s the best part about being a flight attendant?

Walking down the aisle and saying “trash” to everyone’s face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z0ocf/whats_the_best_part_about_being_a_flight_attendant/
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What do you call a bunch of Nazi dogs???

The Fur'd Reich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z0l7f/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_nazi_dogs/
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Ha - mildly amusing

Haha - laughing
Hahaha - saracstic laughing
Hahahaha - Staying Alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z0kwu/ha_mildly_amusing/
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A guy’s wife of many years says to him, honey, I want a boob job....

Ahhh baby you know we can’t afford that but here’s what you can do.  Just take a lil wad of toilet paper and rub it between ya boobs, do that every day. What ? she says, that will make my boobs bigger? Yep he says, look what it did to your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z0jf2/a_guys_wife_of_many_years_says_to_him_honey_i/
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What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z0ix4/what_does_an_australian_dinner_out_and_a_chess/
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I watched a "No Nut November" themed midget porn.

There wasn't a single shortcoming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z0iui/i_watched_a_no_nut_november_themed_midget_porn/
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Person 1: I like Eminem

Person 2: I prefer Skittles
Person 1: I meant the rapper
Person 2: What's so good about an M&M wrapper?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z0et2/person_1_i_like_eminem/
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Your mama is so flat

I slipped her the 2D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z0bcx/your_mama_is_so_flat/
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What is the differrence between a Saudi murderer and a Mexican murderer?

a few billion dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z0aqd/what_is_the_differrence_between_a_saudi_murderer/
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father:how are your grades son?

son: underwater, dad
father: underwater? what do you mean?
son:they're below C level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z069e/fatherhow_are_your_grades_son/
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If A Pothead Has 13 Joints

That makes it a baker's dozen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z060c/if_a_pothead_has_13_joints/
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What’s the hardest part of raising unvaccinated kids?

Finding a reliable necromancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z044b/whats_the_hardest_part_of_raising_unvaccinated/
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Which fruit always comes in groups of 2?

Pears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z016y/which_fruit_always_comes_in_groups_of_2/
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My wife kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad. But don’t worry...

I’ll return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z00my/my_wife_kicked_me_out_of_the_house_because_my/
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I try to limit how often I make homeopathy jokes

That just makes them stronger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9z00ke/i_try_to_limit_how_often_i_make_homeopathy_jokes/
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The carbon monoxide detector is really annoying.

But hey, at least the kids are quiet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yzyx9/the_carbon_monoxide_detector_is_really_annoying/
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Two politicians are debating an issue

The first politician yells “You’re lying!”
The second politician says “Yes I am but hear me out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yzv9j/two_politicians_are_debating_an_issue/
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My dad went to jail for beating the crap out of his best friend forever for saying,

"Your boy has a good spirit. I see myself in him."
His friend was a priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yzth0/my_dad_went_to_jail_for_beating_the_crap_out_of/
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So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yzq59/so_we_all_know_that_6_is_afraid_of_7_because_7/
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Two vampires are having dinner at a restaurant.

One of them was rich; the other extremely poor.
The rich vampire ordered for the freshest and finest bottle of blood, and then asked the poor vampire for his order so he could treat him.
The poor vampire refused and ordered for a glass of hot water instead.
"You know I would have treated you to anything you like; do all poor vampires substitute hot water for blood?"
"No, but I found this tampon on the way here. I figured I'll have tea instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yzo2o/two_vampires_are_having_dinner_at_a_restaurant/
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A husband and wife are lying in bed together.

The wife ask the husband.
“While we are making love, do you ever think about other women?”
“Maybe.” He says
“What do you mean maybe?”
Does you when you were younger count?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yznqd/a_husband_and_wife_are_lying_in_bed_together/
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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Neutron: How much does it cost?
Bartender: For you? NO CHARGE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yznlj/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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Why is "The Art of the Deal" such a long book?

It has four Chapter 11's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yzifl/why_is_the_art_of_the_deal_such_a_long_book/
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When your not hard

Ubisoft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yzgbz/when_your_not_hard/
%
Two Americans, Frank and Joe, are on vacation in Australia...

It's their last day there and they have a few hours to kill between checking out of the hotel and getting to the airport for their flight. Frank says, "Listen, Joe, I heard about this great new act at a strip club that's on the way to the airport. A really hot Korean girl, Augusta Kwon, she's visiting for one night only and I really want to see her. Let's go!"
Joe isn't convinced but agrees reluctantly. On the way to the club, they pass by a souvenir shop and Joe asks Frank to pull over for a minute. Frank obliges and they go inside. But Joe spends way too long looking at Australian souvenir t-shirts, and Frank starts to get frustrated.
"C'mon Joe, we gotta go, we're gonna miss the Augusta Kwon show!" Frank urges his buddy.
"Just a minute!" Joe insists, trying on another marsupial t-shirt.
"OK, fine," says Frank, pacing around, stewing impatiently.
After a few minutes Frank prods him again. "Let's go man, we'll be late!"
Joe tries on another dropbear-themed t-shirt. "Almost done, man, chill!"
Frank grumbles and glances at his watch. He waits a bit longer. Finally he's had enough. "Look, Joe, we have to go now. Just pick a shirt and let's leave!"
Joe picks up one last shirt, contemplating the fuzzy eucalyptus-eating mammal on the front. He turns to Frank.
"You know what they say, man. Koala tee over Kwon titty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yzesi/two_americans_frank_and_joe_are_on_vacation_in/
%
At a local college dance,

a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance.
While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug.”
She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.”
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss.”
She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a kiss too.”
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to have sex with her, saying, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich.”
She says, “Yaaah, in Sveden we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yzecv/at_a_local_college_dance/
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If Billy has 7 heads of lettuce and 3 friends...

.... he can give each of them 2 heads of lettuce with a romaine-der of 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yzcm1/if_billy_has_7_heads_of_lettuce_and_3_friends/
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Boobs

What do you call a woman who can't get her bra off?
Boobie Trapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yz925/boobs/
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Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yz60d/three_dinosaurs_stumble_across_a_magic_lamp/
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Why did the sun never set on the British Empire?

Even God didn't trust the English in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yz4pk/why_did_the_sun_never_set_on_the_british_empire/
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10ish

Both 9:45, and what Sean Connery plays with a racket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yz4hu/10ish/
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White people can't say the N word, but..

They can say "thanks for the warning officer" and "hey dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yz3t8/white_people_cant_say_the_n_word_but/
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What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yz0rf/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_swam_into_the_wall/
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yyuul/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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Jesus and Satan had been arguing constantly about who had better computer skills...

They had been yelling and screaming at each other for months.
Finally God grew tired of the arguing and he said, "Let's see who can code the best program in only one hour." He snapped, the world went blank, and there was nothing but two computers and two desks side by side. Satan and Jesus sat down and began typing at once.
Each of them typed gargantuan amounts of advanced code that would take anyone else hours to just learn the basics of. When there were less than five minutes left in the competition, there was a loud pop and the screens went blank. The power came back on a few moments later,  and Satan realized he was in a bout of trouble.
He had tried everything to recover his program, but it simply could not be found. He definitely didn't have time to restart the coding from scratch.
He began shouting, "I lost every single thing when the power went out! All of my code! My precious program..."
Jesus, however, had no issues recovering his information. All it took was a simple click of a button, and there his program was. Unharmed without fault, and definitely not lost like Satan's.
A look of awe and jealousy crossed Satan's face. "But... I don't understand." He looked between God and Jesus, "This *has* to be a trick. A ploy."
God looked at Satan and sighed in disappointment, "Jesus saves all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yyrjb/jesus_and_satan_had_been_arguing_constantly_about/
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A paraplegic walks into a bar

And its a fucking miracle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yyqik/a_paraplegic_walks_into_a_bar/
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I just watched a documentary about how boats are put together.

Riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yypbk/i_just_watched_a_documentary_about_how_boats_are/
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I saw a picture online that had Dre, Seuss, and House cropped into the background.

Clearly it had been doctored.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yynet/i_saw_a_picture_online_that_had_dre_seuss_and/
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After years of debate, it turns out Allah is actually the one true God.

After all, the universe began with an explosion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yyk1g/after_years_of_debate_it_turns_out_allah_is/
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Who brings presents to lobsters?

Santa Claws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yyiem/who_brings_presents_to_lobsters/
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[Long] A boy is picking up his girlfriend for prom.

When he got to her house, the beans he ate for lunch beforehand were catching up to him and he began to have some gas. Her parents invited him in for dinner, and as he sat, he saw an opportunity: when the dog (named Fido) walked over to him, he would fart and it would seem like the dog did it. And just that he did.
“Fido!” Her father shouted in reaction to the sound. *Good,* the boy thought, *It worked.* Confident that he wouldn’t get caught, the boy continued. The second time he had to fart, he waited for the Fido to come back, and this one was even louder than the last.
“Fido!” The father shouted again. The boy got away with it again. The third time, the fart was the juiciest one yet.
“FIDO!!!!” the father shouted, “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM BEFORE HE SHITS ON YOU!!!!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yygtw/long_a_boy_is_picking_up_his_girlfriend_for_prom/
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Two guys riding in a truck. NSFW

They come around a bend in the road to see the largest newfoundland lab they've ever seen.
The dog is sitting in the middle of the road blocking their path, thoroughly cleaning his balls. The passenger sees this and tells the driver I sure wish I could do that.
The driver says I'm sure you can, but you should probably pet him first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yy1uc/two_guys_riding_in_a_truck_nsfw/
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It’s 1961, and a NASA scientist is sitting in his office when an intern bursts in

“Sir! Sir! The Russians...”
The scientist looks inquisitively at him. “Yes? What about them?”
The intern takes a moment to catch his breath and says, “The Russians have gone into space!”
The scientist jumps out of his chair. “ALL OF THEM?”
“No, just one.”
The scientist slowly sits back in his chair. “Well next time don’t get my hopes up. Damn Russians...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yy1g9/its_1961_and_a_nasa_scientist_is_sitting_in_his/
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What does a sarcastic drum say?

Ba Dum /s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yy1e0/what_does_a_sarcastic_drum_say/
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A slice of coconut cream pie is $2.50 in Barbados. It is $2.75 in Trinidad & Tobago. $3.25 on St. Thomas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yy0xp/a_slice_of_coconut_cream_pie_is_250_in_barbados/
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My friend got turned into wine recently...

He was a grape friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxzjq/my_friend_got_turned_into_wine_recently/
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Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you when you aren’t even remotely interested in her?

Jesus! My wife acts really freaking strange sometimes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxwyo/does_anyone_else_hate_it_when_a_girl_pulls_the_i/
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Why did the cranberry sauce cross the road?

To get to the other sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxw4c/why_did_the_cranberry_sauce_cross_the_road/
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There are two types of people in this world. Condescending assholes and...

Forget it, you wouldn't understand anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxv0j/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Two Irishmen on Holiday

Two Irish farmhands, Mick and Paddy, got a holiday so they decided to go to Dublin. Lacking a vehicle they had no choice but to walk so down the road they went. Well, wouldn't ya know, after only a short while, Paddy stepped in a hole and sprained his ankle.
"Its too bad," says Mick. "Never mind," says Paddy, it cant be helped. I'll pop into yonder pub to rest up but you go on to Dublin. And sure I'll be along soon."
Sadly, Mick trudges off down the road and soon disappears over the hill. Well, not 30 minutes later, Mick wheels up to the pub in a brand new, top of the line BMW, shouting "Hop in Paddy! We're goin' ta Dublin in style, ta be sure!
Paddy can't believe.his eyes and asks, "Well where did ya get the car then...have ya stolen it?"
"Not at all," Mick reassures him, "It was given ta me!"
"Now that can't be true, can it," says Paddy. "Tell me truly how it happened then, and no nonsense."
"Well there I was, goin down the road, minding me own business, when suddenly this grand car pulls up and behind the wheel is a gorgeous blonde no more than 18 years old, asking me would I be needin' a ride to Dublin.  So I said sure and hopped in and off we went. Well, but only a few minutes later, she drove the car down a forest road, stopped, and leapt outa the car, stripped off all her clothes till she was naked and shouted "You can have anything ye want!!" So I took the car."
"Ah Mick, that's grand! And it was a wise choice ya made, for the clothes wouldn't have fit ya anyways."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxtzp/two_irishmen_on_holiday/
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I know that this tainted lettuce scare has everyone worried. But please, everyone...

Try to romaine calm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxswp/i_know_that_this_tainted_lettuce_scare_has/
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The Ladder

On my way back from work, I stop the car in the driveway and see my neighbor doing something quite strange.
Going up and down a ladder against the side of his garage, he seemed to be having some trouble with a tape measure.
It looked like he was trying to measure the ladder itself, though I thought he couldn't be so dumb to be doing it like that, I decided to ask.
"Afternoon neighbor, need any help? What are you trying to do?"
"I'm heaving a hard time trying to measure this ladder by myself" he replied.
Shocked with what I was seeing, I decided to to tell him what he was doing was not the best way of doing it.
"I'm sure you are a smart person, but it seems like going up and down the ladder doesn't seem vary practical.
Lay it down on the floor. That way you can measure it without a sweat."
My neighbor starts laughing at me and replies
"What a dumbass. See, I am not trying to measure the length of the ladder.
I am trying to measure it's height."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxrce/the_ladder/
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As liberal as I am, Donald Trump and I do have one thing in common.

If Ivanka weren't his daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxotu/as_liberal_as_i_am_donald_trump_and_i_do_have_one/
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Did you know Nebraska has the highest rate of depression and extramarital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxmry/did_you_know_nebraska_has_the_highest_rate_of/
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Time to confess.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.  He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxkto/time_to_confess/
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Five men walk into a bar

Shittest game of limbo I've ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxiiv/five_men_walk_into_a_bar/
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An unexpected visitor

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three weeks later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxi46/an_unexpected_visitor/
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So a woman was in bed with her lover when her husband unexpectedly came back early from a business trip.

She said, "Quick! Stand in the corner." And she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
And the statue said, "Oh, I'm deeply sorry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxgic/so_a_woman_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_her/
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Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other... “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxe0o/two_goldfish_are_in_a_tank/
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You have one wish . . .

A woman found a magic bottle, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So, what will it be?”
The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and the Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable!!! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for, a good man.”
The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the map again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yxdt1/you_have_one_wish/
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What's short, tired, and very profitable?

Child labor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yx7sy/whats_short_tired_and_very_profitable/
%
2 Monocles walk into a bar

The new bartender can tell that they are already well on their way to intoxication but obliges them anyway when they order 2 shots.
As the night goes on they continue to get drunker and drunker and their behaviour becomes obnoxious. From loud arguments to inappropriate comments to women and even falling off their own chairs, the 2 monocles are really starting to make a scene.
The bartender decides it is time to cut them off but before he can tell them a song comes on the jukebox and both monocles jump up excitedly and hit the dance floor. They sing loudly to their favourite song while spinning in a circle until they collapse on the ground with both of their chains wrapped together in a tangled mess.
The bouncer sees this scene and immediately begins trying to seperate the pair but the chain is far too tangled so he throws them both out together into the gutter. One monocle is throwing up into the gutter while the other is crying and babbling incoherently.
The frustrated bouncer yells at the two wrapped together lenses “That’s it! You two are banned! Every time you come here you end up making a drunken spectacle of yourselves!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yx7qn/2_monocles_walk_into_a_bar/
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What were both the pregnant 14 year old and thr fetus inside of her thinking?

They we're both thinking: "Crap, my mom's going to kill me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yx7pi/what_were_both_the_pregnant_14_year_old_and_thr/
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I didn't know what to wear to the premature ejaculators anonymous meeting

so I just came in my pants.
There was nobody there when I got there, I came too early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yx3pv/i_didnt_know_what_to_wear_to_the_premature/
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Why was the toddler of an anti-vaxer crying?

Mid-life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yx1au/why_was_the_toddler_of_an_antivaxer_crying/
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Why are port holes on a ship round?

So when you open one to look out, a wave won't hit you square in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yx0ku/why_are_port_holes_on_a_ship_round/
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Did you hear about the man with 5 penises?

He went to the doctor and told him "Doc, I have five penises. I want to know what is wrong."
The doctor replied "5 penises?! How the hell do your pants fit?"
The man replied "Like a glove!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yx0kp/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_5_penises/
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I was sexually active at 12.

Now it’s 12-08 a.m. and I’m done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ywyfy/i_was_sexually_active_at_12/
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A dumb man and a smart man are having a contest...

If the smart man asks the dumb man a question and the dumb man answers wrong, then the dumb man owes the smart man $1. However, if the dumb man asks the smart man a question and the smart man answers wrong, then the smart man must give $100 to the dumb man.
Smart man: What has 4 legs and goes meow?
Dumb man: I dunno, here's a dollar.
Smart man: What has 4 legs and goes woof?
Dumb man: I dunno, here's a dollar.
Now, it was the dumb man's turn to ask questions.
DM: Hmmm.... what has 4 legs, 5 toes, 3 legs, and has 2 noses but 1 nostril?
The smart man pondered this for quite some time before he answered.
SM: Huh, I guess I underestimated you. Here's $100!
The smart man hands the dumb man a one hundred dollar bill. Curious, the smart man asks the dumb man:
SM: What was the answer anyways?
DM: I dunno, here's a dollar.
(Note: I saw this joke a while ago and decided to post it. No idea how I remembered it, but enjoy!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ywwtj/a_dumb_man_and_a_smart_man_are_having_a_contest/
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My Twin and I Were Born on Black Friday

My mom got a pretty shitty two-for-one deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ywtpq/my_twin_and_i_were_born_on_black_friday/
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Once upon a time in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ywrex/once_upon_a_time_in_the_magical_fantasy_kingdom/
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You know, if you're struggling to get women, fellas, you should come to me.

That way I don't have to cry alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ywppn/you_know_if_youre_struggling_to_get_women_fellas/
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Guys, I think the Monks are forming a Resistance..

They just keep saying "Ohmmm.. Ohmmm..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ywpky/guys_i_think_the_monks_are_forming_a_resistance/
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A guy was extremely unfortunate

He was so unfortunate that he even have only one ball.
One day he gets on a plane. 15 min into the flight  the plane starts quaking. The crew says "Unfortunately we are too crowded for this plane, someone needs to jump out for the greater good."
So they decides to draw lots. As he expected, paper with our guy's name on it is pulled from the lot.
At this point he comes up with this amazin idea; he says "okay, i will jump out but i have one condition; if you guess the total number of mine and (points out a random dude who sitting near) his balls right."
Passengers looks at each other looking suprised and they say "four" in harmony.
"A-HAA!" he says and lowers his pants to show his one ball. The other guy lowers his pants and he has three balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ywlvo/a_guy_was_extremely_unfortunate/
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A man staggers into an emergency room

He has a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them. While I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my BIG mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!" I don't remember much after that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ywgka/a_man_staggers_into_an_emergency_room/
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What do you call Ash Ketchum's loudest sneeze?

His pikachu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ywfmp/what_do_you_call_ash_ketchums_loudest_sneeze/
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Two hillbillies are sitting at a bar

There are three young, beautiful women sitting at a table near them. Suddenly, one of the woman stands up and starts choking on her food. Thinking quickly, one of the hillbillies runs over, pulls down her skirt, and gives her a lick on the right buttcheek. The woman is so shocked she coughs up the food she was choking on. She turns to him and says, "Thank you so much! You just saved my life!" The hillbilly replies, "Oh, no problem. And to tell the truth, I've never even done the hind lick maneuver before, but I guess it works!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ywfe8/two_hillbillies_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
%
A old grandma is watching the news

Suddenly, a story comes on saying there is somebody driving the wrong way down the highway. That's the same way her husband drives to work every day. Nervous, she calls him to warn him and make sure he's okay.
"Honey, I want you to be careful driving to work. There's somebody driving the wrong way down the highway!"
He replies, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ywd2n/a_old_grandma_is_watching_the_news/
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I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ywb70/i_dont_know_what_the_big_deal_is_about_black/
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How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach?

It’s not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yw7h1/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
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If I eat a Marijuana edible

Will I get a pot belly?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yw4d6/if_i_eat_a_marijuana_edible/
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A man walks into a bar holding a paper bag...

...and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender eyes the bag curiously as he finishes up filling the man’s cup. As he comes back to the table, his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “what’s in the bag?”
Wordlessly, the man pulls out a small grand piano, a small piano bench, and a twelve inch man. He props them up on the table and the tiny man begins to play a very challenging piece composed by Mozart. It is so good, that everyone in the bar stops their conversations to listen to the man playing the miniature grand piano
When the tiny man finished his piece, everyone in the bar applauded him and the bartenders’ jaw is on the floor. “Where did you get that?” He asks the man.
The man reaches back down into the bag and pulls out an ordinary-looking frog with a top hat. “This frog will grant you one wish, but be careful, he’s a little-“
“I WISH FOR A MILLION BUCKS!” The bartender shouts over the man enthusiastically. Nothing happens for a few moments, until a duck walks into the bar.
More and more ducks follow, and soon enough the bar is filled to the brim with ducks. Still, more ducks file on in. They piled on top of each other, until the bartender was waist-deep in ducks. The air filled with feathers and poop lined the floors. The sudden appearance of ducks everywhere was so bad for business, that everyone simultaneously got up and left.
The bartender was obviously upset, and told the man over the quacking or ducks, “you know, I think your frog is a little deaf. I asked it for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!”
The man looked at him, square in the face and replied, “do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yw2m7/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_holding_a_paper_bag/
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How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a penis?

Err, ahh, lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yw219/how_many_freudian_psychologists_does_it_take_to/
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Today was a terrible day, my ex got hit by a bus

And I lost my job as a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yw1zy/today_was_a_terrible_day_my_ex_got_hit_by_a_bus/
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What snaps, crackles and pops when you throw them on the ground?

The elderly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yw1ws/what_snaps_crackles_and_pops_when_you_throw_them/
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Tell me a sentence you could both say during sex and at a family dinner

How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yvzas/tell_me_a_sentence_you_could_both_say_during_sex/
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Can you teach me some Spanish?

Steve- Can you teach me some Spanish
Jose- no
Steve- please
Jose- no
Steve- pretty please
Jose- no means no
Steve- Thanks man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yvww4/can_you_teach_me_some_spanish/
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I have sexdaily.

I mean dyslexia fcuk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yvwkf/i_have_sexdaily/
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A gay couple is trying to have sex

Guy 1: “aw shit we don’t have any lube”
Guy 2: “we could use saltwater?”
Guy1 : “that’s a homogenous solution!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yvvzq/a_gay_couple_is_trying_to_have_sex/
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I had a job interview today and I have a feeling it went well. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.

“You’ve found your man,” I responded, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yvstc/i_had_a_job_interview_today_and_i_have_a_feeling/
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My family is like treasure.

You'll need a map and shovel to find them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yvq6m/my_family_is_like_treasure/
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Would you remarry if I die......

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yvorj/would_you_remarry_if_i_die/
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Your mom is a solid ten

On the Richter scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yvlqw/your_mom_is_a_solid_ten/
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My roommate said that I couldn’t get him alphabet soup by dinner time

He’s eating his words right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yvibw/my_roommate_said_that_i_couldnt_get_him_alphabet/
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My wife bought a new bra, it's really hard to unhook.

I don't know why I put it on in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yvfyl/my_wife_bought_a_new_bra_its_really_hard_to_unhook/
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Newfie Execution

A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.
The American was afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair.
He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free.
They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair.
Once again, the chair didn’t work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfoundlander’s turn to pick how he was to be executed.
He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yvcuy/newfie_execution/
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Three Europeans arrive in America.

John, Michael, and Bill are all get captured by Native Americans shortly after and intend to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared, and the Native Americans agree to not kill them, on one condition: They must each go into the forest and bring back a fruit of their choice, then will be told what to do with it.
So John comes back first, with a peach. A Native American says "Shove it up your ass; if you laugh we kill you."
So, he shoves the peach up his ass and giggles so softly, is immediately shot dead with arrows. Michael comes back during this with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. Mike laughs, and is shot dead as well.
They both see each other in heaven and John asks Michael immediately, "You know Mike, I had a peach, and the fuzz made me laugh. But you, you had a grape! What happened?"
“Oh yea, I was doing just fine," says Mike. "Until I saw Bill walking back with a pineapple.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yv82x/three_europeans_arrive_in_america/
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A vegetarian meets a bear in the woods. The vegetarian says to the bear: Listen bear, this ain't gonna work, I'm a vegetarian.

The bear thinks for himself: Guess that makes me a humanitarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yv6ya/a_vegetarian_meets_a_bear_in_the_woods_the/
%
If you watch an Apple store get robbed,

are you an iWitness?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yv4a9/if_you_watch_an_apple_store_get_robbed/
%
I think my wife is a weather forecaster...

A guy called up asking if the coast was clear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yv3ay/i_think_my_wife_is_a_weather_forecaster/
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Two bats sat in a tree...

...One was hungry for blood, so he flew out.
A minute later he came back with his whole face covered in blood.
"Where did you get all that blood?" Asked the second bat eagerly.
"You see that tree over there?"
"No..."
"Me neither."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yv13x/two_bats_sat_in_a_tree/
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[Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s $25 for the white dildos, and $50 for the black dildos.”
“25 for white, 50 for black,” she dutifully wrote down everything he said. “Got it, boss!” She was so excited to finally have the chance to prove that she was ready for that promotion.
All weekend long, dildos practically flew off the shelves. Customers seemed to love the design, the feel, even the packaging drew rave reviews. Sales figures were through the roof, and Lori was delighted. “This’ll show him. I can manage this place.”
Round closing time Sunday evening, a sweet-looking young lady entered the store and inquired about the dildo selection. Lori recited her sales pitch to perfection: “Well we have these lovely new white dildos for $25, or, for the woman who wants it all, this deluxe black model for $50. Would you like that gift-wrapped?”
The lady crinkled her nose bit, and squinted her eyes to see the objects on the shelf behind where Lori was standing. “How much is that plaid dildo back there?”
“Oh, that’s…. that’s not for sale. My manager asked me to sell the black ones and the white ones, but that one is not actually on the sales floor…”
“Oh come on, I’ll give you a little extra, you can take some off the top for your own pocketbook? I’ll give you $120, you skim off $20 for yourself, your boss will love you for it. Whaddya say? Help a girl out?”
“Well, OK.” Lori responded, and rang up the transaction.
The next morning, Lori arrived at the Sex Shoppe, and found the owner already in the office, going over the shop’s financials for the weekend. “Looks like you had a good weekend!” he chimed.
“You have no idea! I sold 74 white dildos, over 100 black dildos, and some ditzy lady gave me $100 for your Thermos.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yuyj7/long_lori_was_assistant_manager_at_the_sex_shoppe/
%
My CT scan went very well today

I feel radiant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yuxgp/my_ct_scan_went_very_well_today/
%
How many alzhiemers patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yuslh/how_many_alzhiemers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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Guy: ‘Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom never broke. How is it possible?’

Doctor: ‘Let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion and killed it!’
Guy: ‘Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion.’
Doctor: ‘Good! You understood the story. Next patient, please.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yuqro/guy_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_we/
%
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yuoog/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_two_brain_cells/
%
Did you hear about the serial killer train conductor?

I heard he had a loco-motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yunb4/did_you_hear_about_the_serial_killer_train/
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A few years ago there was this lactose intolerant girl in my class

She got a lot of shit for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yun2z/a_few_years_ago_there_was_this_lactose_intolerant/
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A man is sitting on his porch, enjoying the morning...

When a young boy walks by dragging some Chicken wire.
“Hold on a minute, boy, whatcha doing with that chicken wire?”
“Gonna go catch me some chickens” says the boy.
“Well that’s not the way that works, but you go have fun.” He replies.
A few hours later he sees the boy return and, sure as sunshine, he’s dragging along a bunch of chickens.
The next morning, he sees the young boy again, this time dragging some Duct Tape.
“Hold on a minute, boy, whatcha doing with that Duct Tape?”
“Gonna go catch me some ducks” says the boy.
“Well that’s definitely not the way that works, but you go have fun.” He replies.
A few hours later he sees the boy return and, sure as sunshine, he’s dragging along some ducks. The man is stunned.
The next morning, he sees the young boy again, this time dragging some branches from the Pussy Willow tree.
“Hold on a minute, boy,
I’ll go with you this time!”
Credit: idk heard this decades ago
Has it been posted on r/jokes? Probably idk. Enjoy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yumt0/a_man_is_sitting_on_his_porch_enjoying_the_morning/
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Once I saw a kid getting bullied by 4 kids so I decided to step in

He didn’t stand a chance against all 5 of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yumpi/once_i_saw_a_kid_getting_bullied_by_4_kids_so_i/
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I am buying my coffin from a company located in Ireland.

I wonder if they accept crypt o'currency?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yueza/i_am_buying_my_coffin_from_a_company_located_in/
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[nsfw] Sinatra thought his wife was cheating on him, so he wrote her a song and sang it to her one night in bed. "Come to me..." he began crooning, and she swooned. She loved it when he sang to her...

He continued singing... "Your breath smells like..."
"...come to me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yubfk/nsfw_sinatra_thought_his_wife_was_cheating_on_him/
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What do the films Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yu0zg/what_do_the_films_titanic_and_the_sixth_sense/
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A Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine

He speaks with his commanding officer and he is assigned a post at the periscope
He follows the orders and stands by the periscope, making sure no unauthorized personnel touch it
After 5 minutes his officer reassigned him in the mess hall, washing dishes
He obeys and starts washing the dishes
While halfway into the first dish, the officer comes up to him again and once again changes his position, this time to the supply room
He is told to make sure no leakage is present during rough water
Once in the room he spots a crewman and asks him, “Hey there! Is it normal to keep being reassigned posts all day? I haven’t been in one position on this sub for more than 5 minutes!”
The crewman replies, “oh yeah- this sub is full of shitty reposts”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ytzfj/a_navy_recruit_has_his_first_day_on_the_submarine/
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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.
Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.
The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
She summoned all three suitors to the grand hall and announced - "whoever brings me the most ping pong balls shall have my hand in marriage - this is my test of love!" Each suitor goes off to meet the challenge.
The first suitor comes back a few weeks later with loads and loads of horse drawn carriages filled with ping pong balls. The convoy stretches as far as the eye can see. All together they amount to 1 million ping pong balls and the princess is impressed.
The second suitor realises he has to up his game and hires a fleet of ships to gather deliver the ping pong balls. A few months later ships upon ships line the harbour in front of the princess' castle, and the princess swoons at the sight of 100 million ping pong balls being offered to her.
The third and final suitor then shows up a year later. He's all bloodied and beaten up, horrible scars across his arms. In his left hand he clutches a big brown heavy sack. The princess confronts him, clearly unimpressed and says "what are you doing!? Clearly this can't beat the 100 million ping pong balls I had from my second suitor! Stop wasting my time!"
Confused, the third suitor says to the princess as she turns to leave "but my princess, I thought you said KING KONG balls!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ytssk/i_got_in_trouble_for_telling_this_joke_in_5th/
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I really love whiteboards.

They're remarkable.
(brought to you by my English teacher. )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ytsl2/i_really_love_whiteboards/
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What did Piccolo say to Frieza?

Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ytokv/what_did_piccolo_say_to_frieza/
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Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ytn7p/why_do_programmers_think_halloween_and_christmas/
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The Creation Of Sodium

Sodium, atomic number 11, was first isolated by Humphry Davy in 1807. A chemical component of salt, he named it Na in honour of the saltiest region on earth, North America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ytki8/the_creation_of_sodium/
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A man walk in bar

A man walk in a bar and him order a bear.
When he is finish drink he ask for pay but he drops hims glass in the floor. The bar man say to him for pay double but he does no want.
After he leaving he call police the police come and say to him:
#Why haves you not pay but have buy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ytgzv/a_man_walk_in_bar/
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You know why you can't teach a stallion philosophy?

Because you can't put Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ytfnm/you_know_why_you_cant_teach_a_stallion_philosophy/
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What do you call a black man who flies planes?

You call him a pilot you fucking racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ytd76/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_who_flies_planes/
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I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.

It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ytc7q/i_went_to_the_shop_to_buy_6_cans_of_sprite/
%
What is a German’s favorite dice game?

Nahtzee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ytb3w/what_is_a_germans_favorite_dice_game/
%
A vegan walks into a bar

We know this because he told everyone in the bar he was a vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yt9i2/a_vegan_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a redneck on opiates?

A pill billie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yt7a3/what_do_you_call_a_redneck_on_opiates/
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TIL The Canary Islands do not have canaries.

Same thing with the Virgin Islands. No canaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yt6wj/til_the_canary_islands_do_not_have_canaries/
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It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.
“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.
“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men?*  That sounds like Ivy League elitists to me. Plus, Frankincense and myrrh? I bet these guys are Arabs. The president wouldn’t like this at all.”
The other aide agrees he has a point, so they take out the wise men and chuck them over the fence.
“Do you think it’s ready now?” says the first aide.
“Not really,” says the second one, “Look at Mary and Joseph - they’re refugees! I bet they’re bringing drugs and crime to Nazareth.”
So they take out Mary and Joseph too.
“Ok, I think we’re ready,” says the first one.
“Not yet,” says the second, “look at the baby. His parents came from Egypt *just* so he could be born in Nazareth? Sounds like an anchor baby to me.”
So they chuck out Jesus as well.
Proud of their work, they head back to the Oval Office to let the president know they’ve finished.
“Well?” He asks, “have you finished the most bigly tremendous decorations? We’re going to make Christmas great again.”
“Yes, Mister President. We’re sure you’ll be very happy with it. We took out the wise men, Mary and Joseph, and Jesus.”
“Well,” Trump asks, “what’s left?”
“It’s just the way we thought you’d like it sir. One jackass and a whole bunch of sheep.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ysy11/its_almost_december_at_the_white_house_and_donald/
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Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn’t want to be spotted
*edit: now if I ever tell people this joke, I risk people thinking I copied it off of reddit D:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ysu6k/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
The driver from a Hit and Run was arrested

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : it was snowing, the ground was slippery, I was, I was..
Detective : those are just excuses buddy.. Tell me, was this on purpose?
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna hit either that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done sir?
Detective : well I would have gone for the one guy
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well. But then the guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ysu17/the_driver_from_a_hit_and_run_was_arrested/
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A man commisions his three kids to each sell a duck

The eldest goes out, and returns having sold the duck for 5 dollars.
The middle child goes out, and returns a tad more successful having sold the duck for 10 dollars.
The youngest child goes out, and while at the market, gets propositioned by a lady of the night.  He explains he has no money and she agrees to take the duck in lieu of payment. They head off to the woods to do the deed.
After they've completed the transaction, she tells the youngest that his performance was so amazing she wants to go again, in exchange she'll return the duck.   The youngest happily agrees and another transaction is completed.
As the youngest is walking home, the duck flies out of his arms and in the path of a nearby truck.  A man steps out, and horrified at what he's done, hands the youngest 25 dollars for his trouble.
The youngest boy finally returns home to his father asking "how did you do at the market boy?"
The youngest replies "well I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 bucks for a fucked up duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ystu5/a_man_commisions_his_three_kids_to_each_sell_a/
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A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.

Edit : Mother of three..
Edit2 : Mother of two...
Edit3 : Mother of one.....
Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ysry7/a_friend_of_mine_a_mother_of_4_refused_to_get_her/
%
When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet, I thought I had made a new friend...

Until I saw the next two letters..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ysr1n/when_i_noticed_hi_in_the_alphabet_i_thought_i_had/
%
After a long debate with my wife, we decided that we would not vaccine our kids.

Because we think that the doctor would do a way better job than we do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ysqdm/after_a_long_debate_with_my_wife_we_decided_that/
%
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

**If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re are nuts**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ysq48/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
Last night I was at the bar when the waitress screamed...

"Anyone know CPR?"
I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"
Everyone laughed.
Well, except one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ysnh5/last_night_i_was_at_the_bar_when_the_waitress/
%
3 men are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and no lighter to light them with

The men stop and think for a while, perplexed by the situation. It wasn’t until one man threw a cigarette over board that their crisis was resolved, as then their boat became a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yskt3/3_men_are_on_a_boat_with_4_cigarettes_and_no/
%
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

One goes whack, darn! The other goes darn, whack!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ysko8/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
%
Came home from work today to find someone had broken in and stolen my limbo stick.

I mean,how low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yshwn/came_home_from_work_today_to_find_someone_had/
%
I love golf

Every hole except one is under 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yscwd/i_love_golf/
%
Women are finally being allowed to join the SAS!

About time as well, there's no way those brave lads should be cooking their own meals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ysbuu/women_are_finally_being_allowed_to_join_the_sas/
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I’m not sure whether putting up Christmas lights would offend my Hindu neighbors.

So to make sure, I hung a giant banner saying “YOU WORSHIP FALSE GODS!” on my window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ysaw5/im_not_sure_whether_putting_up_christmas_lights/
%
This morning I went to a meeting at the premature ejaculator's support group

Turns out, it's tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ys8qx/this_morning_i_went_to_a_meeting_at_the_premature/
%
What do you call a slutty bread bin?

A crumb dumpster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ys8os/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_bread_bin/
%
Communications Tech

A communication technician drafted by the army was at a firing range. At the range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and 50 rounds. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his weapon, and then at the target. He looked at the weapon again, and then at the target again. He then put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ys7f7/communications_tech/
%
"Bro, do you want this marketing pamphlet?"

"...brochure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yrxef/bro_do_you_want_this_marketing_pamphlet/
%
A sheriff walks into a saloon,

and shouts for everyone's attention.  "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?", he asks.
"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat,a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paperboots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yrw4p/a_sheriff_walks_into_a_saloon/
%
What does musicians take with them when doing groceries?

The Chopin list

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yrw1x/what_does_musicians_take_with_them_when_doing/
%
Describe your college life using the name of a beverage?

Mountain Dew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yrvq4/describe_your_college_life_using_the_name_of_a/
%
I made a club about erectile dysfunction.

It was a flop, nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yrv73/i_made_a_club_about_erectile_dysfunction/
%
Went out drinking with some friends last night and saw a woman in full church garb getting absolutely plastered.

Weirdest thing I’ve ever seen, bar nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yrv2v/went_out_drinking_with_some_friends_last_night/
%
My dad sent me a picture of his balls.

He said I should always remember where I came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yrv1b/my_dad_sent_me_a_picture_of_his_balls/
%
The worst part about self loathing is...

I could get help, but fuck that guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yruzi/the_worst_part_about_self_loathing_is/
%
An Old Maid

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains  of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have  a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yrura/an_old_maid/
%
I called the wrong number today.

A woman answered and I said, “Hello, is Tommy there?”
“Yes he is,” she said.
And I said, “Can I speak with him please?”
She said, “No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only 4 months old.”
I said, “Alright... I’ll wait.”
[Steven Wright]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yrtsi/i_called_the_wrong_number_today/
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What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond?

The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yrt6r/whats_the_difference_between_a_drama_student_and/
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Two old friends

"My doctor gave me the best memory pills ever."
"Really? What's the name of your doctor?"
"You know that white lawn flower?"
"Margaret?"
"Exactly. *turning to his wife* Margaret, my love, what's the name of my doctor?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yrsoq/two_old_friends/
%
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yro2l/what_is_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and/
%
Had to take a drug test today.

It took me over a month to study for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yrk6u/had_to_take_a_drug_test_today/
%
How do you know a person meditates?

They already told you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yrfbb/how_do_you_know_a_person_meditates/
%
A 50 year old business man is sitting with a young man

The business man takes out a photo of his wife and says to the young man beside him
"She's a real beauty isn't she."
The young man abruptly then replies
" Oh yeah if she's a real beauty you haven't seen my girlfriend."
The business man taken by surprise says
"Why is she better."
The young man replies
" No she's an optician."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yrdkt/a_50_year_old_business_man_is_sitting_with_a/
%
I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yra9z/i_would_put_more_herbs_in_my_meals/
%
What would you say that your best quality is?

I went for an interview yesterday and the guy asked me what I thought was my best quality.
Me:      I am very honest in my opinions
Him:    well, I think that's very admirable. I'm impressed
Me:      I don't give a rats ass what you think

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yr9aj/what_would_you_say_that_your_best_quality_is/
%
A duck walks into a bar...

...flaps itself onto a stool in front of the bartender and says, "Got any bread?" The bartender looks at the duck and replies, "Fraid not, can I get you something else?" The duck says, "Got any bread?" the barman stares at the duck for a second and replies, "No mate, we don't have any bread" The duck says, "Got any bread?" The barman loudly replies, "No we don't" The duck says, "Got any bread?" So the barman yells at the top of his voice,"NO, WE'VE GOT NO FUCKING BREAD AND IF YOU ASK AGAIN I'll NAIL YOUR FUCKING BEAK TO THE BAR" The duck, looking slightly aghast, asks, "Got any nails? The barman, in a much lower voice replies, "No we don't have any nails" So the duck says, "Got any bread?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yr4rt/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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You can't perform a religious ceremony with only using a few parts of a ladder

Two rungs don't make a rite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yr0pq/you_cant_perform_a_religious_ceremony_with_only/
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It was so cold in DC the other day that

I saw a politician putting his hands in his own pockets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yr0o0/it_was_so_cold_in_dc_the_other_day_that/
%
A man just threw some milk, cream, and butter at me....

How dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yr0h9/a_man_just_threw_some_milk_cream_and_butter_at_me/
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"Why are you telling me this story about a male chicken?" I asked the bartender, confused.

He just looked at me and replied, "You asked for a cock tale, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yqwto/why_are_you_telling_me_this_story_about_a_male/
%
What did Rick say to the Chinese chef ?

More tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yqvkv/what_did_rick_say_to_the_chinese_chef/
%
My wife divorced me for religious reasons.

She worshipped money and I don't have any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yqs4u/my_wife_divorced_me_for_religious_reasons/
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I'll never understand women. My wife asked me earlier, "Babe, I'm stuck on 6 across. 8 letters, fixed the highway?" "Retarred." I replied.

Ungrateful bitch just threw the paper at me and stormed out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yqrl4/ill_never_understand_women_my_wife_asked_me/
%
When short people smoke weed, they don't get high

They get medium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yqjul/when_short_people_smoke_weed_they_dont_get_high/
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Two leprechauns knock on the door of the nearest convent

Mother Superior answers the door and see the two leprechauns standing there.
One of the leprechauns asks
"Begging your pardon Mother but do ya have any leprechaun nuns in the convent here?"
Mother Superior says they do not.
The other leprechaun asks
"Are there any leprechaun nuns nearby then?"
Mother Superior says there are no leprechaun nuns anywhere
The one leprechaun smacks the other and says
"I told you we been fucking penguins!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yqiur/two_leprechauns_knock_on_the_door_of_the_nearest/
%
Two men with Alzheimer's at the beach

They're peckish and want some food.
The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?”
Carl: Sure what do you want?
Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce
Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now.
Carl walks off...
Bob: Now you will remember what I want?
Carl: Yes, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce.
Bob: Correct
Carl walks a little further...
Bob: Don’t forget now Carl
Carl: I won’t, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce
Carl is nearly at the ice cream van
Bob: Carl?!!! DON’T FORGET WHAT I WANT!!!! Carl: I WON’T, VANILLA ICE CREAM, CONE, FLAKE AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE...
A little while Carl walks back with 2 burgers.
Bob: Fucking hell Carl where’s my fries??!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yqakb/two_men_with_alzheimers_at_the_beach/
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How did the Corvette driver want to be buried?

Two inches lower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yq9wx/how_did_the_corvette_driver_want_to_be_buried/
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Who's the best erectile dysfunction doctor in the world?

Dr Drew Peacock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yq3zk/whos_the_best_erectile_dysfunction_doctor_in_the/
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My friend laughs at regions with small mountains

He thinks they're hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yq0ls/my_friend_laughs_at_regions_with_small_mountains/
%
My girlfriend is like a light switch

I always make sure to turn her off before leaving so she doesn't waste energy on someone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ypqnx/my_girlfriend_is_like_a_light_switch/
%
A man is talking to a sperm bank employee...

Man: "Thank you for that glass of milk earlier."
Sperm bank employee: "What glass of milk?"
Man: "The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk."
Sperm bank employee: "Oh my god."
Man: "What?"
Sperm bank employee: "You drank my glass of milk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ypm4x/a_man_is_talking_to_a_sperm_bank_employee/
%
My friend told me that he could create a biological electric current to run through a capacitor.

I said, "weird flux but ok."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ypjug/my_friend_told_me_that_he_could_create_a/
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Man may ask God three questions

Man: "God, how much is a million years for you?"
God: "Like a minute."
Man: "God, how much is a million dollars for you?"
God: "Like a penny."
Man: "Then, could you lend me a penny?"
God: "In a minute..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yphc4/man_may_ask_god_three_questions/
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I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ypeo1/i_call_my_wife_bambi_she_thinks_its_because_shes/
%
A blonde walks into a shoe store in Florida ...

And looks at the alligator shoes. “That much!! I’ll just go and get some myself!” she exclaims. “Good luck!” The clerk says.
Later that afternoon he sees the blonde down by the river pointing a gun at a huge alligator, so he stops to watch. She shoots the alligator and kills it, the struggles to pull it on to the shore, right next to three others, all on their backs. She flips it over, then screams in frustration “this one doesn’t have any shoes either!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ype0x/a_blonde_walks_into_a_shoe_store_in_florida/
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Anti-vaxxers...

...are like if somebody decided to swim across a crocodile-infested river because they're afraid the bridge will collapse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ypcny/antivaxxers/
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[NSFW] What's worse than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring?

Fingering your brother and finding your dad's watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ypc9e/nsfw_whats_worse_than_fingering_your_sister_and/
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A man goes to the library and asks for a book on suicide

The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yp83b/a_man_goes_to_the_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
%
Why can't a blonde dial 911?

You can't dial a question mark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yp55m/why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
%
I had a dog with no legs, named him cigarette......

Every night I would take him out for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yp0xl/i_had_a_dog_with_no_legs_named_him_cigarette/
%
An old man was walking through the woods with a young boy....

The young boy turns to the man and tells him he is scared.
"Your scared?" Replies the man, "I'm the one that's going to have to walk out of here alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9you0m/an_old_man_was_walking_through_the_woods_with_a/
%
Several years ago, Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's dong is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's dong is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's weiner is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yolgy/several_years_ago_britain_funded_a_study_to/
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Why did the man decide NOT to sue the glass of water?

Because he found it was just-ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yoktx/why_did_the_man_decide_not_to_sue_the_glass_of/
%
My brother fell into an upholstery machine.

It's okay. He's completely recovered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yoiqa/my_brother_fell_into_an_upholstery_machine/
%
Why don’t Italians have BBQs?

The spaghetti falls through the grill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yohlr/why_dont_italians_have_bbqs/
%
I offered cocaine to my friend recently

He started smoking weed a couple months ago after a lot of persuading, so I thought he might wanna try this out, too.
When I offered it to him, he told me,
“I dunno man, I’ve gotta draw the line somewhere.”
We decided the kitchen table would be good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yobg9/i_offered_cocaine_to_my_friend_recently/
%
When I was a kid...

...I remember going to the store with a $1 and coming home with two bags of chips, a candy bar, a pack of gum, and a cold drink. Now they have cameras everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yo7br/when_i_was_a_kid/
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A Man hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years

“I’ll shoot her just below the left tit, It’ll be a quick kill” the hitman said
“I want her dead not fucking kneecapped”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yo5q9/a_man_hires_a_hitman_to_kill_his_wife_of_40_years/
%
A joke about the Chairman of the Board and his wife.

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yo4aw/a_joke_about_the_chairman_of_the_board_and_his/
%
Our bulimic neighbour was being really noisy last night.

I had to knock on the door "please keep it down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yo3ne/our_bulimic_neighbour_was_being_really_noisy_last/
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What do you call a bag of tea that's gone through the wash?

Linty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yo36q/what_do_you_call_a_bag_of_tea_thats_gone_through/
%
What do you call it when you get a hard-on at a funeral?

Mourning Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynyrs/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_a_hardon_at_a/
%
I used to dislike my hair,

But it's growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynx0b/i_used_to_dislike_my_hair/
%
A man and his son are walking in the woods

When they stumble upon a well. It’s a massive well, at least 10 feet wide, 200 ft deep, and made of all gold. A noticeably large sign besides it tells them of free gold submerged at the bottom, but only if they can get to it.
“Dad, where do you think this came from?” Asks the son.
“I don’t know, but we need to get to the bottom of it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynvo2/a_man_and_his_son_are_walking_in_the_woods/
%
After almost thirty years of working hard in school, applying myself at college, and training and serving in the Air Force my application to become an Astronaut was rejected.

Turns out my mom was right, if I apply myself the sky's the limit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynviy/after_almost_thirty_years_of_working_hard_in/
%
Why does Ariel wear seashells?

Because D shells are too big

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yntv1/why_does_ariel_wear_seashells/
%
Three blondes are walking in the woods

when they come across some tracks. The first says "I think they're deer tracks."
The second says "I think they're moose tracks."
The third says "I think they're rabbit tracks"
While they were arguing, the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynsu1/three_blondes_are_walking_in_the_woods/
%
*Notices your tungsten(IV) oxide*

O=W=O what’s this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynr7p/notices_your_tungsteniv_oxide/
%
Why did the stoner fail his driving test?

He kept hitting cones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynqg4/why_did_the_stoner_fail_his_driving_test/
%
My psychic got hit by a bus yesterday.

Useless prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynkvr/my_psychic_got_hit_by_a_bus_yesterday/
%
How does Harry Potter get down a hill? By running!

J.k.
Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynjla/how_does_harry_potter_get_down_a_hill_by_running/
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What are purple flowers

One day, little Johnny passes by his older brother’s room, where he overheard him talking to his girlfriend on the phone. The only phrase Johnny caught was “Purple flowers.” The next day in class, after giving instructions, the teacher asks if anyone has any questions. Johnny raises his hand and asks, “What are purple flowers?” The teacher goes, “Johnny, I will not tolerate that kind of language in my classroom. Go sit in the hall and think about what you’ve done.”
He goes out and sits in the hall when another teacher walks by and sees him. The teacher asks Johnny, “What are you doing sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Johnny, go to the principal’s office. Now.”
When he gets there, the principal tells him, “You’re a good student, Johnny. You haven’t gotten in trouble before. So why are you here now?”
“I was sitting in the hall.”
“Why were you sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Johnny, go home early. You’re suspended for the rest of the month.”
Johnny goes home and his mother asks him, “Why are you home so early, dear? It’s only noon.”
“I was sent to the principal’s office.”
“Why were you sent to the principal’s office?”
“I was sitting in the hall.”
“Why were you sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Johnny, I’m kicking you out of this house. No son of mine is asking that.”
Johnny is now homeless. He decides to get a job at McDonald’s. Now keep in mind he’s, like, twelve. He gets the job, but after about an hour on his shift, the CEO stops him and says, “So we’ve looked at your record, and you’re severely underage. Why are you getting a job at McDonald’s anyway?”
“I got kicked out of my house.”
“Why were you kicked out of your house?”
“I was sent to the principal’s office.”
“Why were you sent to the principal’s office?”
“I was sitting in the hall.”
“Why were you sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Johnny, you’re fired.”
Johnny is now both homeless and unemployed. He has no money, no supplies, nothing. He sits next to a hobo on the side of the road. The hobo looks at him and goes, “What’s a kid like you doing sitting out here alone?”
“I got fired from McDonald’s.”
“Why were you fired from McDonald’s?”
“I got kicked out of my house.”
“Why were you kicked out of your house?”
“I was sent to the principal’s office.”
“Why were you sent to the principal’s office?”
“I was sitting in the hall.”
“Why were you sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Oh, you know what? I heard someone talking about purple flowers just a few minutes ago,” says the hobo. “Yeah, and he’s on the other side of the road there.” Johnny looks over and sees his brother on the other side of the road. Relieved, he goes to resolve the problem by asking the man himself. Johnny takes two eager steps onto the road and gets run over by an eighteen-wheeler.
Johnny wakes up in hell dazed and confused. His head still hurt a little. It wasn't long before he was approached by Satan himself.
"What are you doing here?" Satan asked. "Your so young and you don't seem to have a reason to be down here."
Little Johnny sighed. "Well I suppose it can't get much worse than this. I was hit by a truck."
"Why were you hit by a truck"
“I got fired from McDonald’s.”
“Why were you fired from McDonald’s?”
“I got kicked out of my house.”
“Why were you kicked out of your house?”
“I was sent to the principal’s office.”
“Why were you sent to the principal’s office?”
“I was sitting in the hall.”
“Why were you sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
"Oh, purple flowers! It's been a long time since I've heard that one." Satan exclaimed.
"Hey, now that I'm down here forever, do you mind telling me what purple flowers means?"
"Oh purple flowers?" Satan began. "That's just something we made up to waste people's time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynixa/what_are_purple_flowers/
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Dark humor is like a child with terminal cancer

It never gets old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yngte/dark_humor_is_like_a_child_with_terminal_cancer/
%
On the one hand, I should be more focused on my job as a shark feeder at SeaWorld.

On the other h... FUCK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yngp8/on_the_one_hand_i_should_be_more_focused_on_my/
%
Poor old man...

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynfwn/poor_old_man/
%
Mom: I want to see your girlfriend.

Me: yeah me too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynfhq/mom_i_want_to_see_your_girlfriend/
%
What would you call a song about climate change?

An Algorithm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynewg/what_would_you_call_a_song_about_climate_change/
%
Do you know what we call the patch of hair between grandma’s breasts?

Her vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yndgb/do_you_know_what_we_call_the_patch_of_hair/
%
The worst part about Friday

Is realizing that it’s Monday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynbin/the_worst_part_about_friday/
%
A man goes to a job interview.

"Well, everything looks great," the employer said. "But I see here there was an 8 year gap since your last job. What happened there?"
"Oh, I went to yale," the man told him.
"Neat!" The employer responded enthusiastically. "You're hired! You start on Monday."
"Yay!" the man exclaimed. "I got a yob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynb2g/a_man_goes_to_a_job_interview/
%
What do you call the largest mammal on Earth that lives in a palace?

The Prince of Wales!
Saw this old joke and thought the Brits would enjoy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ynahp/what_do_you_call_the_largest_mammal_on_earth_that/
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A command Sergeant Major retires

A command Sergeant Major(CSM) retires from the military, he decides to celebrate at the local brothel. Upon entering he speaks with the attendant and asks for a room and the most beautiful woman available. He proceeds to his room with the lady, and sits down on the bed. After a few minutes the lady starts to unbutton his shirt when he stops her. He then says "hang on I got this". He then removes his clothing and neatly ranger rolls them and puts them in a neat pile by the bed. The lady is dumbstruck, but rolls with it. She starts to make out with the CSM and sees that he has yet to have a rise. So she starts to take some more drastic measures. Once again he stops her and says "Hang on I got this. PRIVATE ATTENTION!" The lady watches in amazement as it immediately goes to full girth and length. She says "that is amazing how did you do that?" The CSM replies "that is nothing watch this. PRIVATE AT EASE!" As he says this his erection immediately goes away. This time she says "Oh my god that is so cool, you gotta show this to my friends." She runs from the room and returns with a dozen beautiful women, and tells the CSM to show them that trick. The CSM says "PRIVATE ATTENTION!" All the ladies stare in wonder as it immediately becomes fully erect. The first lady then tells him to show the other trick. So the CSM says "PRIVATE AT EASE!" and nothing happens. "I SAID PRIVATE AT EASE! once again nothing happens. The CSM then says "hang on I will be back in a few minutes" and heads into the latrine. After 10 minutes pass the original lady starts to get worried. She enters the latrine to see the CSM beating his meat furiously. She stops him and say "hang on I KNOW that is my Job." The CSM replies "No ma'am the private is being dishonorably discharges for failure to follow orders."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yn9pl/a_command_sergeant_major_retires/
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Why do seals swim in saltwater?

because it's a "sealion" solution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yn7g1/why_do_seals_swim_in_saltwater/
%
Last night I woke up, startled, to a female’s voice coming from my desktop. “Hello,” it said, “It’s me.”

Upon further inspection, I realized it was just a Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yn6a1/last_night_i_woke_up_startled_to_a_females_voice/
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If Mr. Spock has pointy ears, what does Mr. Scott have?

Engineers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yn16t/if_mr_spock_has_pointy_ears_what_does_mr_scott/
%
Open it!

My wife and her friend were out to lunch when the temperature drastically dropped. They stood by her friend’s truck, shivering, while the friend searched for a key to unlock the door. My wife asked, “Can’t we sit in the truck while you find your keys?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yn134/open_it/
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At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.
“No, I always give 110%”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ymwg1/at_a_job_interview_i_filled_my_glass_of_water/
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So a toothpick walks down the street

Meets hedgehog and says: is this bus going downtown?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ymw32/so_a_toothpick_walks_down_the_street/
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ymv33/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dyslexic_an/
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My wife said I don't understand irony.

Which is ironic because we were at a bus stop when she said it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ymr0r/my_wife_said_i_dont_understand_irony/
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Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest

He *hated* the English. His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!" He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this.
Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again assigned the English to the nether regions, and he took Father Patrick aside after the service. "Father, your example of uncharitable language after so many warnings is intolerable. If you ever presume upon the judgment of God concerning your Christian brothers in Great Britain again, I will have to suspend your pastoral faculties and we will address this incivility with all other appropriate measures."
"My Lord, forgive me, 'twill not happen again."
All was well at Mass the next day, and the following day, Father Patrick was celebrating Holy Thursday Mass, and recounting the Scriptural narrative of Jesus predicting his betrayal by a disciple.
"And Matthew asked, 'LORD, IS IT ME?'"
"No, Matthew, it's not you."
"And Peter asked, 'LORD, IS IT ME?'"
"No, Peter, it's not you."
"And Judas asked, 'GOR BLIMEY, GUV'NOR, IS IT ME?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ymmb4/father_patrick_had_one_weakness_as_a_priest/
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“Father, do you have anything to declare?”

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid  that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ymbto/father_do_you_have_anything_to_declare/
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If one cacti is a cactus, is a single broccoli a broccolus?

Just some food for thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ym95d/if_one_cacti_is_a_cactus_is_a_single_broccoli_a/
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Hey girl, are you an engineer

Because I'm sure I don't fit your specifications

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ym6os/hey_girl_are_you_an_engineer/
%
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.
"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.
"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ym3xr/a_man_wakes_up_one_morning_to_find_a_gorilla_on/
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Magiek

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” The guy proceeds to show him: He drinks some beer, jumps off the roof, flies around the building, and returns to his seat.
“Amazing! Lemme try some of that,” the man says. He grabs the beer, downs it, leaps off the roof, and falls 30 feet to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head and says to the first guy, “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ylzru/magiek/
%
What did the web developer say after oral sex?

</head>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ylzhx/what_did_the_web_developer_say_after_oral_sex/
%
My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ylu67/my_grief_counsellor_died_the_other_day/
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Hunter...

Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back.
“Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter.
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down.
Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?”
The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.”
ReReEdit: Jesus_christ on a scooter! 1700 upvotes, its amazing because of you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ylshi/hunter/
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My neighbor's son was constantly being beaten at school, so she put him on Karate Classes

Now he is beaten both at Karate and at school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ylqql/my_neighbors_son_was_constantly_being_beaten_at/
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Do you ever look at a pile of shit and think, that was inside of me?

As you can tell, I don’t think of my ex fondly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ylq6h/do_you_ever_look_at_a_pile_of_shit_and_think_that/
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When did the Japanese start eating eggs?

A long ta ma go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ylppy/when_did_the_japanese_start_eating_eggs/
%
Why cant a blonde dial 911?

She cant find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ylml8/why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
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When I was a single man, I had plenty of free time.

Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ylkcn/when_i_was_a_single_man_i_had_plenty_of_free_time/
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I got called a misogynist today which is messed up

Because I love getting massages.
I just prefer getting them from men because they’re better at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yljb5/i_got_called_a_misogynist_today_which_is_messed_up/
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Have you heard about that new app, “Cinder?”

It’s great for carbon dating!
:-)
(I just thought of this joke while walking to my car.  I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m not the first to come up with it.  Apologies, if it’s been made before.)
(In case it isn’t obvious, it’s a play on the *dating* app, “Tinder.”)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ylhw9/have_you_heard_about_that_new_app_cinder/
%
Why will anti-vaxx memes never die?

They’ll never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yle18/why_will_antivaxx_memes_never_die/
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Keep Quiet and take it

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, he probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yl8aw/keep_quiet_and_take_it/
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What language do they speak in the center of the earth?

Core-ean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yl86u/what_language_do_they_speak_in_the_center_of_the/
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There must be a typo in the "sort by" options.

I chose "new" but they're all reposts. Should be "knew" instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yl68l/there_must_be_a_typo_in_the_sort_by_options/
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Only anti-vaccinator will get this.

Measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yl4fl/only_antivaccinator_will_get_this/
%
I was leaving the liquor store on my bike

and I put my bottle of vodka in the basket. I got worried that if I fell the bottle would break so instead, I quickly slammed the bottle in the parking lot. And it's a good thing I did because I wiped out a dozen times on the way home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yl3zi/i_was_leaving_the_liquor_store_on_my_bike/
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What's the best way to get out of an uncomfortable conversation?

Put your penis back in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yl3hy/whats_the_best_way_to_get_out_of_an_uncomfortable/
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If i had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks.....

Then i could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ykxn3/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
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I lost my son at the mall today

"Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?"
"Of course."
[leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ykx3v/i_lost_my_son_at_the_mall_today/
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I treat my girlfriend how I treat my car

I don't have a car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ykuv3/i_treat_my_girlfriend_how_i_treat_my_car/
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A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them:
"Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."
And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her
"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she does what she's told.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
"Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ykp8k/a_bus_full_of_nuns_falls_off_a_cliff_and_they_all/
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A man is passing through rural Georgia

As he is driving, he spots a sign along the road that says “Peanut butter and jelly flavored peaches, next right”.
Intrigued, the man takes the next right to the farm. He sees a farm standing next to a fruit stand.
Man: “Can I sample one of your PBNJ peaches? Sorry, I’m just a bit skeptical”.
The farmer hands the man a peach. The man takes a cautionary bite.
Man: “This is ok but it only tastes like jelly”.
Farmer: “Turn it over”.
The man turns the peach over and takes a bite.
Man: “Hey! This is awesome! Peanut butter and jelly. Impressive.”
Farmer: “We also have some that taste like vagina”
Man: “No way. I have to try this.”
The farmer hands the man a peach from a basket behind the stand. The man quickly sinks his teeth into it and immediately spits it out in disgust.
Man: “Blegghhh! This tastes like shit!”
Farmer: “Turn it over”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ykktd/a_man_is_passing_through_rural_georgia/
%
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers...

And says “five beers, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ykk0w/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_holds_up_two_fingers/
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I once swallowed a dictionary.

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Sorry not sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ykj71/i_once_swallowed_a_dictionary/
%
Why did the nun go to confession after sailing?

The boat was full of seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ykijt/why_did_the_nun_go_to_confession_after_sailing/
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My girlfriend dumped me, so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ykcu1/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_so_i_took_her_wheelchair/
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Sky diving

A sky diver had just pulled his main chute and found it wouldn't open. He quickly tries his reserve chute, still nothing. Now in a panic falling towards the ground he see's a man flying up towards him at an incredible speed. In stunned disbelieve as they pass each other the sky diver screams out "do you know anything about parachutes!", the man shouts back "No, do you know anything about gas boilers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ykaj2/sky_diving/
%
The only one good thing about having insomnia

Is that it's only three sleeps till Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yka8h/the_only_one_good_thing_about_having_insomnia/
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I go to the gym religiously

About twice a year around the holidays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yk8tb/i_go_to_the_gym_religiously/
%
I like my coffee how I like my cocaine

Made by Colombian slaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yk72a/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_cocaine/
%
What’s a dinosaur’s favourite genre of music?

Space Rock, but they don’t mind death metal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yk3x2/whats_a_dinosaurs_favourite_genre_of_music/
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I was considering taking a trip to Bangkok, Thailand, but...

Phuket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yk3jz/i_was_considering_taking_a_trip_to_bangkok/
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If you think Alcohol is a solution you need help

It's a solvent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yjxk6/if_you_think_alcohol_is_a_solution_you_need_help/
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A guy walks into a bar...

... and before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"
Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yjxdg/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Is it solipsistic in here...

...or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yjwg9/is_it_solipsistic_in_here/
%
When will we know what happens when the clock jerks off?

I think the time will cum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yjvf2/when_will_we_know_what_happens_when_the_clock/
%
How do you fix a broken tomato?

Tomato paste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yjvbu/how_do_you_fix_a_broken_tomato/
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Two married chicks...

...that have been long time friends, go out one night for a couple of drinks. After a few hours spent in a bar, and after they had 10 cocktails each, now dark outside, they decide to walk home.
One of them suddenly says:
\- Girl, I gotta take a piss RIGHT ABOUT NOW, no way I can make it home!
\- Yeah, me too! Let’s go into this cemetery, it’s dark, no one will see us!
\- Alright, but what do we use to wipe our cunts?
\- I’ll just take off my panties and use them to wipe.
\- Jeez, I’m not wearing any. I’ll just have to find something.
The next day, their husbands meet and one of them says:
\- You have any clue about what our wives done last night?? Mine came home without her panties!!
\- What are you crying about??!! Mine had a ribbon stuck on her ass saying “We’ll never forget you – the Robertson brothers”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yjryc/two_married_chicks/
%
This Thanksgiving, we are reminded of the one universal thing that we should all be thankful for

Those that sort by new

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yjq8o/this_thanksgiving_we_are_reminded_of_the_one/
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A 96 year old man goes to the confessional

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with  2 beautiful 21 year old women, I made love with both of them, twice.”
The priest replies “My son, when was the last time you came to confession?”
The old man replies “Never father, I am Jewish”
The priest answers “ well then why are you telling me?”
The old man responds “I am telling everyone!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yjowz/a_96_year_old_man_goes_to_the_confessional/
%
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party...

So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yjl0y/my_daughter_asked_for_a_cinderella_themed/
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My girlfriend told me she would love me to be a pizza delivery guy

I asked her why and she said she wants a guy that comes in 30 minutes instead of 5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yjiah/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_would_love_me_to_be_a/
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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,
"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I may be able to save you 10 grand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yjhwd/so_there_was_an_assassin_who_charged_10000_a/
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I just got fired from my new job at the pharmacy.

Apparently "drug free workplace" and "free drug workplace" are not the same thing at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yjd78/i_just_got_fired_from_my_new_job_at_the_pharmacy/
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How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yjbxf/how_many_vegetarians_does_it_take_to_eat_a/
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Why can’t clowns afford balloons anymore?

Because balloon prices are rising due to inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yjaxx/why_cant_clowns_afford_balloons_anymore/
%
Why do girls float?

because they’re boyn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yiybl/why_do_girls_float/
%
Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

He was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yiuxo/did_you_hear_about_the_fly_on_the_toilet_seat/
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My Dog Sucks

I hate walking my legless dog.
It's such a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yiu31/my_dog_sucks/
%
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A Roman Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yis8z/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
%
Two Nazis walk into a BAR

They die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yis5g/two_nazis_walk_into_a_bar/
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Knock Knock

Who's there?
..
.
.
.
Grandad
.
.
.
QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yiqk3/knock_knock/
%
Why do late night comedians skew left wing?

Because the right wing viewers have to work in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yino7/why_do_late_night_comedians_skew_left_wing/
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Thibodeaux had recently lost an eye

and gotten it replaced with a wooden one. A few weeks later, he went on down to the bar where he noticed a lady with a prosthetic leg.
Thibodeaux walked up to her and asked if she'd like to dance. She gasped and said, "would i?"
Thibodeaux yelled back "peg leg!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yim5d/thibodeaux_had_recently_lost_an_eye/
%
A young man with a nervous stomach sits at the dinner table with his girlfriend's entire family.

The uncomfortable bloat he feels is ruining his chances of making a good impression. Despite his heroic efforts a small fart leaks out. "Spot!" the grandma scolds. Looking down the young man sees the family dog cower near the base of his chair. "Great!" the young man thinks, "I'll let out just a little more to be comfortable and the dog will get blamed." Pfffft, the young man releases a little more gas. "Spot!" the grandma again scolds and the dog cowers in shame a little more. "This is AWESOME!" the young man thinks. "I'll just let out one more big one, the dog will get blamed and I can relax and charm the hell out of her parents." BRAAAAAAAPPP!!! the young man lets it loose. "Spot!" the grandma yells "Come here before he shits on you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yiloy/a_young_man_with_a_nervous_stomach_sits_at_the/
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6ix9ine arrested on racketeering charges

In the courtroom the judge asks, "How does 8 - 10 years sound?"
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
"Sexy", 6ix9ine replies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yifkm/6ix9ine_arrested_on_racketeering_charges/
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[NSFW] What do you call a porn website for astrology lovers?

Whore-o-scope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yido4/nsfw_what_do_you_call_a_porn_website_for/
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The earlier we start Christmas...

the more likely Jesus will be born dangerously premature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yia6h/the_earlier_we_start_christmas/
%
the economy had gotten worse,

and John had two equally good employees, Mary and Jack. he needed to lay one off.
he couldn't make up his mind which it should be, the both were hired at the same time and both really needed the job.
So John goes to a bar to make a decision.
after a few beers Mary walks in and sits beside him, sensing something was wrong she asked him what was the matter.
John say to her.
"I need to either lay you or Jack off."
Mary says, "well my feet hurt and I have a headache, so how about just jacking off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yi9zg/the_economy_had_gotten_worse/
%
Welcome to the jungle

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a New Yorker all decide to go on an adventure through the amazon rainforest.
While they are traveling down the river, the men all get lost. They then come together to decide the best course of action. They decide to go to the shore in order to gain their bearings.
Two minutes after they land on shore, they are jumped by an amazon tribal group. They say “You have trespassed on our sacred burial ground. We must now take you back to our council in order to decide your punishment.”
When they get to the tribe, there are many people standing around and the travelers come up to the largest man with a feathery hat. He says, “The council has decided that you will die for the crimes you have committed. And we will skin you in order to turn you men into our canoes for traveling the amazon river. However; you will get to choose how you will die.”
The Englishman says “I’ll take a gun. Long live the queen.” *bang* the Englishman dies.
The Frenchman says “I’ll drink some poison. Vive la France.” He drinks it and dies.
The New Yorker says “I’ll take a fork.” And he grabs the fork and begins stabbing himself furiously in the stomach.
“MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS, MOTHER FUCKERS!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yi8di/welcome_to_the_jungle/
%
A frog goes into a bank

and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
.
.
.
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yi721/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
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The way my ex..

The way my ex used to lie; even when she used to text me 'good morning',
I used to go outside and check if it is really morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yi65r/the_way_my_ex/
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If you're going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate...

By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
That's all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yhw29/if_youre_going_shopping_on_black_friday_please_be/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair...

Guess who came crawling back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yhvz2/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_took_her/
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A guy asked a girl in a university library...

..."Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yhvsq/a_guy_asked_a_girl_in_a_university_library/
%
Whats white and cold and if it fell off a tree it would kill you?

A fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yhuy6/whats_white_and_cold_and_if_it_fell_off_a_tree_it/
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Cat and Dog

The Dog’s Diary:
8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Milkbones! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat’s Diary:
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an Attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Fools!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and Snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the Guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an Elevated Cell, so he is safe.
For now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yhtog/cat_and_dog/
%
My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table

At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.
"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"
And that's when the fight started....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yht2f/my_wife_and_i_were_sitting_at_a_table/
%
I used to be depressed and miserable...

But this year I think I really turned my life around and now I am miserable and depressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yhs1x/i_used_to_be_depressed_and_miserable/
%
Michelangelo's Statue of David is one of the most important artworks ever created with marble

But I've always taken it for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yhqxp/michelangelos_statue_of_david_is_one_of_the_most/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yhmpb/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yhlcn/what_did_the_nut_say_when_it_was_chasing_the/
%
Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yhgvs/havent_seen_this_joke_on_here_yet_its_my_favorite/
%
There are two types of people who drive at 4 am:

1. Those who need to get a job
2. Those who need to get a different job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yhffn/there_are_two_types_of_people_who_drive_at_4_am/
%
Why was the French chef so depressed?

He had lost the huile d'olive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yhcx6/why_was_the_french_chef_so_depressed/
%
There are 3 categories of people.

Those who can count and those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yh9k7/there_are_3_categories_of_people/
%
What's the difference between erotic and perverted?

Erotic is bringing a girl to orgasm with only a feather, perverted means the bird is still attached to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yh90k/whats_the_difference_between_erotic_and_perverted/
%
100 zombies walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What’ll it be?”
The nearest zombies moan, “Braaaaiins.”
“Sorry folks, if I had any of those I’d have locked the place down when I first heard of the outbreak.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yh5yb/100_zombies_walk_into_a_bar/
%
[long] An old man wanted to be burried with all his money

An old man who worked very hard his entire life loved money more then anything else. Even his own wife he was married with for over 50 years. When he was getting very sick he asked his wife to bury him with all his money! His wife agreed because she loved him more then anything in the world.
The next week the old man died and at the day of the funeral the widow asked the undertaker not to close the coffin before she forfill his last wish. The family was shocked to hear that he asked to be buried with all of his money. This would mean that there wouldn't be any left of the widow and later for them.
The family asked the widow to not put the money in the box but she refused to listen and smiled at them with a shoebox in her hands. When she put the shoebox next to her husband in the coffin all she said was:
He has to much money to put in the coffin so I put it all in my bankaccount and wrote him a cheque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yh5kt/long_an_old_man_wanted_to_be_burried_with_all_his/
%
Why couldn't the cops catch the toilet bandit?

They had nothing to go on!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yh3ap/why_couldnt_the_cops_catch_the_toilet_bandit/
%
Teacher: "Does anybody have any food allergies"

Carl: "Pollen"
Teacher: "Well, you don't eat pollen, do you?"
Carl: "No ma'am, I'm allergic"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yh1eu/teacher_does_anybody_have_any_food_allergies/
%
My wife left me for another woman

Now she is the love of my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ygx2n/my_wife_left_me_for_another_woman/
%
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ygw30/what_did_the_nut_say_when_it_was_chasing_the/
%
Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.

After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions.
“If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, which only cost tirty dollas a month, the gubmint pays you benefishary $400,000.”
“Now, which group you tink the gubmint gonna send to Afghanistan first?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ygt8t/boudreaux_was_called_up_to_the_louisiana_national/
%
What’s the best way to loose weight fast?

Drop your wallet in England, up to hundreds of pounds gone in seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ygqmv/whats_the_best_way_to_loose_weight_fast/
%
My girlfriend and my computer have one thing in common

They are not responding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ygqf8/my_girlfriend_and_my_computer_have_one_thing_in/
%
Do you hear about the restauran called Karma?

There's no menu. *You get what you desserve.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ygpit/do_you_hear_about_the_restauran_called_karma/
%
What exactly is sexy about BDSM??

Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ygg9z/what_exactly_is_sexy_about_bdsm/
%
Blonds and Blind Cowboys

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head
and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ygfpt/blonds_and_blind_cowboys/
%
The Biker and The Old Lady

A  biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They  couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far  from the shop, he decided to walk home.
On the way home he  stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He  stopped at the livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a  goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchases  home.
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in  the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm  and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker,  and out the door he went.
In the parking lot he was approached  by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could  tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.
The biker said, as a  matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a short  cut down this alley and be there in no time".
The little old  lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow  without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the  alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and  ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a  bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in hell could I  possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ygear/the_biker_and_the_old_lady/
%
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ygdq4/personally_i_dont_believe_in_bros_before_hoes_or/
%
A young man walks into a bar

and notices two lovely young blond women sitting down. He tells the bartender:
"I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."
But the bartender gives him a funny look and answers, "I'm not so sure that is a good idea. You see they're lesbians."
"Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don't know what you're talking about." So the bartender responds,
"Why don't you go over there and ask them?"
So the young man walked over to the women and says, "I hear you are lesbians, what does that mean?"
One turns to the other and answers politely, "we'll we like to kiss, suck each others tits, and lick each others pussies"
Upon hearing that the young man yells to the bartender, "Hey get three drinks here for us lesbians!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ygdpn/a_young_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Three Hillbillies

are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd  Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer  wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin'  fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no dick !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ygd9o/three_hillbillies/
%
Why did the redditors of r/Jokes fail their Exam?

Because they copied text without writing Sources.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ygby5/why_did_the_redditors_of_rjokes_fail_their_exam/
%
My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing.

"Probably failing my driving test," I replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yg98x/my_mate_phoned_me_and_asked_what_i_was_doing/
%
How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yg8z4/how_are_women_like_swimming_pools/
%
What do you call a bad saber picture on the internet?

Sword Art Online.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yg8ex/what_do_you_call_a_bad_saber_picture_on_the/
%
If people pay to go see a comedian...

Aren't all their jokes at the audience's expense?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yg7sj/if_people_pay_to_go_see_a_comedian/
%
My girlfriend called me today and told me that she was HIV+

It's always hard to act surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yg7d5/my_girlfriend_called_me_today_and_told_me_that/
%
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity.

She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”.
Like I was supposed to know the name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yg4tp/i_think_i_banged_a_chinese_celebrity/
%
Apple's port names are Thunderbolt and Lightning

They're starting to really frighten me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yg4rb/apples_port_names_are_thunderbolt_and_lightning/
%
My girlfriend said she's leaving me due to my obsession of TV dramas.

But will she really leave me???Find out next week...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yg47m/my_girlfriend_said_shes_leaving_me_due_to_my/
%
I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yg3sh/i_was_browsing_in_a_liquor_store_when_an_employee/
%
Clowns can no longer afford their ballons

because of inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yg3in/clowns_can_no_longer_afford_their_ballons/
%
I would tell you guys a long-winded tale involving the singers of "It Wasn't Me" and "Drop It Like It's Hot"...

...but I don't think you guys would have time to read yet another Shaggy/Dogg story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yg2gh/i_would_tell_you_guys_a_longwinded_tale_involving/
%
I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda...

... but it turned out it was just a Fanta sea...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yg1lx/i_had_a_crazy_dream_last_night_i_was_swimming_in/
%
Communism was bound to fail...

there were a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yg00p/communism_was_bound_to_fail/
%
A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board

-
“Monkey who does great sex..."
She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual...
The Manual said...
‘Give a good bath to the monkey...
then you take a bath...
Make him sit on the bed and you lie down without wearing anything...
Leave the rest to the monkey...
Repeat all steps for repeat performance...'
Accordingly, the woman gave the monkey a bath, bathed herself and slept on the bed naked...
Monkey did nothing...
Disappointed, she again gave him a bath, had bath and lay down naked on the bed...
Again, the monkey did nothing...
She referred the Manual to check for forward path...
It said : ‘In case of no activity, call the shop owner for support...'
She called the owner & he arrived in 10 minutes...
He asked the woman to lie down...
He then smiled at the monkey and shouted...
“Last time I’m teaching you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yfjva/a_young_sexy_woman_passing_by_a_pet_shop_saw_a/
%
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been completely avoided...

...if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yfgjf/i_believe_a_lot_of_conflict_in_the_wild_west/
%
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

The horse, unable to understand the complexities of the human language
promptly shits on the floor, and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yf68u/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender_says/
%
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yf1o8/there_was_a_man_who_worked_for_the_post_office/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

Drunk in morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yf0p5/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
David: *plays secret chord*

The Lord: Nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yetn2/david_plays_secret_chord/
%
Drinking Fast, Drinking Slow

Many years ago I used to tend bar and this old, very drunk but drunk like he'd been drunk for 30 years kind of drunk man sat at my bar. He said, "Son, I'd like you to pour me 6 shots of Louis XIII."
So I poured him the shots at the bar and he just starts downing them 1 shot, 2 shot, 3 shot.
I tried to stop him, "Sir, SIR, that's $100s a shot. Take your time, enjoy it."
He said, "Son, if you had what I got, you'd drink'em this fast too."
"Oh wow what do you have?"
"50 cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yep9y/drinking_fast_drinking_slow/
%
Life without women...

...would be a pain in the butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yekjf/life_without_women/
%
Girls are like quadratic equations

If they're under 13, just do them in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yeili/girls_are_like_quadratic_equations/
%
Ethan, Do you think i'm a bad mother?

-My name is Jake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yef0f/ethan_do_you_think_im_a_bad_mother/
%
What's the difference between porcupines and the government?

With porcupines the pricks are on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yedij/whats_the_difference_between_porcupines_and_the/
%
What's the difference between jokes and pussy?

I don't get jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yeccr/whats_the_difference_between_jokes_and_pussy/
%
The say your last name speaks to your ancestor’s trade or status or of their nature. I put some stock in that so that’s why...

I never let my son play with the Dickinson family next door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yebez/the_say_your_last_name_speaks_to_your_ancestors/
%
A protester yelled angrily in front of the White House: “Donald Trump is a retard!”

He was immediately arrested by the secret service and put in prison for 25 years.
“5 years for defamation,” the court announced, “the other 20 years for leaking top-secret information.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ye8ov/a_protester_yelled_angrily_in_front_of_the_white/
%
My mom changed into a guy and now I can’t see him

He is transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ye7xj/my_mom_changed_into_a_guy_and_now_i_cant_see_him/
%
I used to be a prison guard...

I used to be a prison guard and one day I asked one of the older inmates I’d gotten to know why he was in here and he said
“I found my wife and my best friend in bed together, so they gave me 25 for draggin’ her out of bed and killing her”
“Really? And how much did they give you for the bastard you caught in bed with her?”
“Oh I didn’t do anything to him.”
“Why not?”
“I couldn’t blame the dog.”
Sorry for formatting I’m on mobile
(Credit to my Great-Uncle)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ydybz/i_used_to_be_a_prison_guard/
%
A priest and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "wait, isn't that supposed to be a rabbi?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ydxww/a_priest_and_a_rabbit_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a dinosaur that HATES coffee?

A tea rex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ydwkn/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_that_hates_coffee/
%
What is Santa's favorite metal band?

Sleigher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ydwe8/what_is_santas_favorite_metal_band/
%
The Terminator got sick of chasing Sarah Connor, so he started a pest control company.

He became an exterminator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ydv57/the_terminator_got_sick_of_chasing_sarah_connor/
%
Lady of the Lake

A couple went out for a walk on the river path.
As they stroll along the path, the husband trips over and falls into the lake. Unfortunately, both of them cannot swim, so the wife panicked and cries for help, but no one is around to help her husband. Luckily for the wife, Lady of the Lake sees this and appeared to the wife,offering to save her husband.
The Lady dives back into the lake, pulls Brad Pitt out and asked, "Is this your husband?" Wife responded, "no". The Lady dives back again, this time she pulls David Beckham out of the lake and asks the same question, but the wife's answer is still no. The Lady was very pleased with the wife's honesty, so she pulls the real husband back up and tells the wife that both Brad and David is hers to keep. Wife thanks the Lady for rescuing her husband, and replies: "Thank you for saving my husband and offering two super hot dudes to me, but I am afraid I won't be able to sustain this marriage if these guys came home with me.". Lady understands and takes Brad & David back with her.
The husband woke up shortly after the Lady disappears into the lake, then the wife explained how he was saved. The husband hugs her and thanks her for saving him, then he throws his wife into the lake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ydpxz/lady_of_the_lake/
%
If you could name it after a soft drink...

There are 3 ladies having tea one afternoon and got around to talking about their husbands penises somehow. One ladies asked "If you could name it after a soft drink what would it be?"
The first lady replies, "I'd name my husbands 7-Up because it's 7 inches and it's always up!"
The second lady says, "Well I'd name my guy's Mountain Dew because it's as big as a mountain and it's all he wants to do!"
The last lady says, "I'd have to name my husband's Jack Daniels" in which one of the others exclaimed "Honey that's not a soft drink, that's a hard liquor."
The last lady respond, "That's my Charlie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ydflb/if_you_could_name_it_after_a_soft_drink/
%
How do you cut a pizza shop in half?

with Little Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ydf2a/how_do_you_cut_a_pizza_shop_in_half/
%
How to catch an elephant

First you dig a big hole, then start a fire. Take all the ash from the fire and put it in the hole. Then put a bunch of peas around the hole. Then wait for the elephant. When the elephant arrives and goes to take a pea, you go and kick him in the ash hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yd9j9/how_to_catch_an_elephant/
%
How to deal with annoying dog

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.  She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard...let's see how THEY like it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yd8yp/how_to_deal_with_annoying_dog/
%
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yd5so/whats_the_difference_between_deer_nuts_and_beer/
%
I don’t like my coffee like I like my irony

Hitting me unexpectedly after flying through the air or coming out of my computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yd1cc/i_dont_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_irony/
%
Why does Donald Trump's book "Art of the Deal" weigh so much?

It has four chapter elevens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yd0ac/why_does_donald_trumps_book_art_of_the_deal_weigh/
%
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .

. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ycyh5/csi_alabama_was_a_failure/
%
What's the difference between a Danish married couple and Batman's parents?

One is a pair of wed Danes, and the other is a pair of dead Wanes.
(Sorry if this is a repost but I got this from a friend over text. So thanks for the joke u/Bag_of_cheese)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ycx2q/whats_the_difference_between_a_danish_married/
%
A fish walks into a bar

The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ycwfs/a_fish_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Yesterday I got so hungry I ate my trousers.

An hour later I shit my pants..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yct7n/yesterday_i_got_so_hungry_i_ate_my_trousers/
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Help. I think my boyfriend might be gay

What do you guys think: He keeps asking me if I want a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ycrwn/help_i_think_my_boyfriend_might_be_gay/
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What do you call a person with no arms and no legs that you throw into your pool?

Bob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ycrts/what_do_you_call_a_person_with_no_arms_and_no/
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I recently got into high risk cattle farming

I'll be raising the steaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ycqrv/i_recently_got_into_high_risk_cattle_farming/
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What group do racist chemists join?

Potassium Potassium Potassium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ycq0l/what_group_do_racist_chemists_join/
%
I was telling my deaf girlfriend we are breaking up...

I guess she didn’t see the signs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ycms1/i_was_telling_my_deaf_girlfriend_we_are_breaking/
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Want to know Mexico's favourite sport ?

Cross Country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ycm10/want_to_know_mexicos_favourite_sport/
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Imagine how annoying it would be if we got alerts for every upvote we received

for everyone except me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ycjez/imagine_how_annoying_it_would_be_if_we_got_alerts/
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A woman is having trouble with her husbands sex drive...

So she goes to the doctor and asks if there's anything she can give him that will get his testosterone going, and make him more attracted to her.
The doctor gives her a bottle of pills to sneak him, but tells her that they're very strong. So she should only give him one every few days.
The next morning she comes in just glowing, and says "Wow doctor! I don't know what's in those pills, but whatever it is made my a husband amazing! I haven't had sex like that since I was in my 20s! I wander what would happen if I give him 2!?" The doctor was skeptical, but told her it should be fine.
The next morning she ran in the office, hair a mess, and said "Doc... It should be illegal to have sex like we had last night! It was without a doubt the greatest sex anyone has ever had! I'm giving him the rest of the bottle tonight!!" And before the doctor can tell her not to she's out the door.
The next morning the doctor is at his desk when a young man barges in the door and says "Are you the stupid fucking doctor who gave my mom those awful pills!?" The doctor confused says "Yes I am.. but where's your mother?"
"Well.. my mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my ass hurts like hell, and when I finally got out of the house my father was running around the garage saying here kitty kitty kitty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yce7m/a_woman_is_having_trouble_with_her_husbands_sex/
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If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour...

which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yc7mx/if_you_lock_up_your_girlfriend_and_dog_in_the/
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How does a psychic prefer their steak?

Medium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yc60w/how_does_a_psychic_prefer_their_steak/
%
What do you call an asthmatic vampire?

Vlad the Inhaler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yc4en/what_do_you_call_an_asthmatic_vampire/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yc0vr/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Pretty women sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yc0om/pretty_women_sneezes/
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A blonde goes to work in tears.

She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ybzwn/a_blonde_goes_to_work_in_tears/
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Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classical Conditioning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ybzgd/why_was_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
%
What's the best part

About a hooker dying on you?
The 2nd hour is free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ybxlj/whats_the_best_part/
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Hey Captain Kirk, who's your most productive officer?

That would be Pavel - any task I give him, he'll quickly Chekov.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ybuts/hey_captain_kirk_whos_your_most_productive_officer/
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Two elderly women are talking about their failing love lives. "So how often are you getting it now, Doris?" asks Mabel. "Oh, I like it infrequently these days!" replies Doris.

Mabel asks, "Is that one word or two?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ybti1/two_elderly_women_are_talking_about_their_failing/
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Remember Vine? It’s ok if you don’t

It lasted about six seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ybrl4/remember_vine_its_ok_if_you_dont/
%
Someone bet me a car that I wouldn't get belly button enhancement surgery.

I just got me an Audi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ybige/someone_bet_me_a_car_that_i_wouldnt_get_belly/
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I notice a lot of different plumbing trucks with the slogan, "We're #1 in the #2 business!"

One of them has to be full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ybf56/i_notice_a_lot_of_different_plumbing_trucks_with/
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The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant."

They really loved ancient grease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ybejk/the_people_on_early_mediterranean_cities_used_to/
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I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual

They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ybdeh/i_told_my_asian_parents_that_i_am_asexual/
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How do you tell the difference between a teacher and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce "Unionized."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yb44g/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_teacher/
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My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!"
He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yb3h9/my_boss_pulled_up_to_work_today_in_his_brand_new/
%
A woman went into small town hardware store and told the owner that she needed a new door handle.

He fetched one and asked: "You wanna screw for that?"
She looked around the store and said: "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yb2qs/a_woman_went_into_small_town_hardware_store_and/
%
There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled.

All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"
Forty-nine hands went up.
"Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Hell. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yb1ww/there_was_an_earthquake_at_the_christian_brothers/
%
A genie and an idiot

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yb1iv/a_genie_and_an_idiot/
%
An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am."  The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how about your hand?" "Ah, in another fight, a cutlass took it off at the wrist." The old salt says, Well how'd you come to lose your eye?" Cap'n Jones says, "I was lookin' up to the missenmast one day, and a gull shit in my eye." The sailor says, "Well that's not good, but I never heard of a man losin' an eye over such." Jones says, "Arrrg, it was right after I got me hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yaxgw/an_old_salt_walks_into_a_harbor_bar_and_sees_a/
%
You know how Popeye has muscles of steel? Which muscle does he have that never rusts?

The one that he dips into Olive Oyl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yat57/you_know_how_popeye_has_muscles_of_steel_which/
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Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.

When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."
All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row..." he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground.
"I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the..." but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed."
Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yaqyo/joseph_stalin_is_giving_a_speech_to_his_army/
%
From my dad...

What kind of eggs do chickens lay on overcast, drizzly days?
grey day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yalw2/from_my_dad/
%
I dont understand how one of the most widespread traditions in America is about flying reindeers from the north pole.

Its just not clausible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yah4r/i_dont_understand_how_one_of_the_most_widespread/
%
What does Salvador Dalí eat for breakfast?

Usually just a bowl of surreal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yagix/what_does_salvador_dalí_eat_for_breakfast/
%
Did you hear about that pimp who got decapitated?

The Headless Whore's Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yaek0/did_you_hear_about_that_pimp_who_got_decapitated/
%
Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you won't get bored there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yack5/dad_im_giving_all_your_toys_to_the_orphanage/
%
My family wanted me to go to rehab for my addiction to eating Thanksgiving leftovers straight from the fridge

But I wanted to go cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yabw1/my_family_wanted_me_to_go_to_rehab_for_my/
%
What do you have after eating too much alphabet soup?

A large vowel movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9yaavp/what_do_you_have_after_eating_too_much_alphabet/
%
Why do tics from Italy make the best significant others?

They’re Romantics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ya9j7/why_do_tics_from_italy_make_the_best_significant/
%
Why do cowboys eat beans by the campfire?

Because it's kinda chili

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ya4wl/why_do_cowboys_eat_beans_by_the_campfire/
%
An american, a german and an albanian.

An american, a german and an albanian got caught by the devil. The devil transformed into a shark and said:
"Each one if you will throw something in this lake and ill look for it. If i find it i get your soul, and if I don't you become emortal."
The american goes first and throws a pebble. Ten seconds after, the devil comes up with the pebble and sucks the soul out of the american.
The german goes next and throws a needle. 5 seconds after, the devil comes up with the needle and sucks the soul out of the german.
The albanian goes last and angrily dumps a bucket of water and say:
"FIND THAT MOTHERFUCKER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ya4b2/an_american_a_german_and_an_albanian/
%
Someone broke into my car but they only stole the sound system.

It was grand theft audio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ya3vt/someone_broke_into_my_car_but_they_only_stole_the/
%
I can't think of anything worse than being scalped.

Well...not off the top of my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ya1fz/i_cant_think_of_anything_worse_than_being_scalped/
%
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Only a fraction of redditors will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y9z6j/there_is_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
%
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persisted and asked to see the manager.
The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to suddenly find the man standing right behind him, so quickly he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'
‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y9pqm/a_man_in_a_florida_supermarket_tried_to_buy_half/
%
Why do all blind people go to hell?

They can’t see the light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y9oiu/why_do_all_blind_people_go_to_hell/
%
What did the art, philosophy, and religion departments shout as they were being underfunded?

"Oh the humanities!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y9io4/what_did_the_art_philosophy_and_religion/
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How many Objectivists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Shrug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y9hh1/how_many_objectivists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10, but also imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y98dc/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
I once had sex with a girl in an apple orchard

I then came in cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y95zh/i_once_had_sex_with_a_girl_in_an_apple_orchard/
%
A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y948j/a_blonde_walks_into_a_drugstore_and_asks_the/
%
BOSS: What's going on here?

ME: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y93mt/boss_whats_going_on_here/
%
What is the phobia of chainsaws called?

Common sense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y9383/what_is_the_phobia_of_chainsaws_called/
%
Why dont Russians give a shit about anything?

... because they are a part of the so-be-it union

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y92zk/why_dont_russians_give_a_shit_about_anything/
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SURGEON: I'm afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y926p/surgeon_im_afraid_that_your_grandma_is_very/
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Baby is furiously crying in a cinema

So I turn around and ask the parents: “For fuck sake are you stabbing it to death?”
Mother says: “Oh God ! Of course not.”
I respond: “But could you please?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y90z4/baby_is_furiously_crying_in_a_cinema/
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Amazon Prime now comes with a joke of the day

The premise isnt too funny, but the delivery is great

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y8ygk/amazon_prime_now_comes_with_a_joke_of_the_day/
%
"How do I get a firmer body?" asked the fork

"Utensil your muscles" I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y8xzh/how_do_i_get_a_firmer_body_asked_the_fork/
%
What's the difference between a 19th-century American pioneer and a termite exterminator?

One passes through the good west and the other gasses through the wood pests.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y8xgn/whats_the_difference_between_a_19thcentury/
%
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I found out the pages were blank.

There are no words for how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y8wwy/i_bought_a_dictionary_and_when_i_got_home_i_found/
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A man builds a lie detector that slaps people who lie.

When his son gets home, he asks him, "Where were you?" To which his son replies, "At school."
The machine slaps him.
The father repeats his question, and his son admits, "I was at my friend's house."
"What were you doing?" asks the father.
"Doing homework," replied the son. The machine slaps him once more.
"Watching porn," the son admits fearfully.
"What?" the father roars. "When I was your age, I had no idea what porn was!"
The machine slaps him.
The mother, who had been watching this exchange, laughs and says, "Two liars in the family! He really is your son."
The machine slaps her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y8why/a_man_builds_a_lie_detector_that_slaps_people_who/
%
An Arab a Mexican and a redneck walk into a bar and all three order a shot.

The Arab drinks all his and throws the glass into the air shooting it with his AK 47 saying "We have so much sand in the desert. We don't need to drink out of the same glass twice."
The Mexican intrigued by this does the same with his AK 47 shouting "Glass is so cheap in Mexico that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice."
The redneck is very impressed by this so he finishes his drink throws the glass in the air, takes his AR 15 and shoots the Arab and Mexican shouting "We have so many illegals in America we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y8p2q/an_arab_a_mexican_and_a_redneck_walk_into_a_bar/
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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time, robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, DEAD or ALIVE!

A  trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit on his own and collect the  reward.  After a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up  behind him.  At the sound of the Ranger's guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surprised bandit  sped around only to see both of the Ranger's six-shooters bearing down on him. The Ranger announced,  "You're under arrest! Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll drop you where you stand," his finger  becoming itchy on the trigger.  However, the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak  Spanish.  Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the cantina and translated the  Ranger's demand to the bandit.  The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried  next to an old oak tree behind the cantina.  "What did he say, what did he say?", the Ranger hurriedly  asked.  To which the lawyer replied, "Well, the best I can make out he said ... **DRAW!**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y8oc0/a_mexican_bandit_made_a_specialty_of_crossing_the/
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The elevator operator

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y8bfy/the_elevator_operator/
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To all you ladies that think men are only interested in "one thing"

Ever think of being more interesting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y8bbs/to_all_you_ladies_that_think_men_are_only/
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If Elon Musk was a Brexiteer...

He would be a Musketeer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y882v/if_elon_musk_was_a_brexiteer/
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My girlfriend asked me to stop singing I'm a believer by The Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y87u4/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_im_a/
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Why is it really smelly when you fart inside an Apple store?

Because it doesn’t have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y7zck/why_is_it_really_smelly_when_you_fart_inside_an/
%
Why are cornfields the best listeners?

They're all ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y7xy0/why_are_cornfields_the_best_listeners/
%
What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student
Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
"Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y7wxu/what_organ_can_expand_to_10_times_its_size/
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What should you do when you see a fireman?

Put it out, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y7va8/what_should_you_do_when_you_see_a_fireman/
%
What kind of math does a rancher use?

Cow-culus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y7t94/what_kind_of_math_does_a_rancher_use/
%
"You're flat!" said the conductor, pointing at the contrabass.

"Maybe," she retorted, "but I've got a spectacular lower end!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y7o8h/youre_flat_said_the_conductor_pointing_at_the/
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Having been propositioned by a well defined and uptown prostitute one evening, a successful single gentleman agreed to have consensual sex with the young lady for the sum of $500.00.

After the evening ended the gentleman handed the  young lady $250.00.  The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and threatened to sue if she didn't get it.   "That's a laugh!" the man stated, "I'd like to see you try."  A few days later the man was surprised to receive a  summons ordering him to appear in court as a defendant in a lawsuit.  The man hurried to his lawyer's office and  explained the details of the case.  His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds,  but it will be interesting to see how she presents her case."  After the usual preliminaries, the parties appeared in  court ready for trial.
The prostitute's lawyer addressed the court first, "Your Honor, my client, this lady here, is the  owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to  rent to the defendant for a specific length of time for the sum of $500.00.  The defendant obtained exclusive possession  of the property, using it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented.  However, upon evacuating the premises,  he paid only one-half of the amount agreed upon.  The rent was not excessive since it is restricted and exclusive property  and we ask that judgment be granted for plaintiff and against defendant in the amount of $250.00.
The defendant's lawyer, thrown back by what he  had just heard, pondered the opening remarks for a moment  and stood to present his off-the-cuff version of the case, "Your Honor,  my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, and  that  he rented such property for a period of time, and that he even derived a  degree of pleasure from the transaction.  However, my client  found a well on the property upon which he placed his own stones, sunk a  shaft, and erected a pump.  All equipment belonging  to my client and all labor being performed by him.  We allege that these  improvements to the property were sufficient to effect  an offset of the unpaid portion of rent and further allege that the  plaintiff was adequately compensated for the fair market rental value of  such  property.  We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted for plaintiff  and that the defendant be awarded his attorney's fees  and costs incurred in the defense of this frivolous action."
The prostitute's lawyer replied, "If it pleases  the court your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a  well on  the property, and that he made the improvements to the property as  alleged.  However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he  would  have never rented the property.  Furthermore, upon evacuating the  premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft,  and took the pump with him.  In doing so, he not only dragged his  equipment through the well-manicured shrubbery, but left the well with a   hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily  accessible to small children, thereby creating a possible  danger to the health and general welfare of the public.  We, therefore,  ask that judgment be granted as requested in the complaint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y7nkj/having_been_propositioned_by_a_well_defined_and/
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What was Hitler's favorite game?

Meinkraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y7lfa/what_was_hitlers_favorite_game/
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My friend went to this really prestigious, super expensive prep academy.

I mean these kids are so rich they hire hitmen to do their school shootings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y7l9e/my_friend_went_to_this_really_prestigious_super/
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Whats the easiest way to get a Jewish girls number?

Roll up her sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y7d5b/whats_the_easiest_way_to_get_a_jewish_girls_number/
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When she asked me about my sign I told her I don't believe in astrology...

Because I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y79mh/when_she_asked_me_about_my_sign_i_told_her_i_dont/
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"How's your new Thai girlfriend, Dave?"

"Who told you her name?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y76ku/hows_your_new_thai_girlfriend_dave/
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Slutty girls are like Wall Marts......

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y70o0/slutty_girls_are_like_wall_marts/
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A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office naked, wrapped only in cling wrap.

The psychiatrist says, “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y6zeo/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_naked/
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What do anti-vaxxer jokes and their kids have in common?

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y6xjf/what_do_antivaxxer_jokes_and_their_kids_have_in/
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What's the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?

I don't know, and I don't care, one way or another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y6qx1/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_apathy_and/
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Do you know what the Kardashian's family motto is?

Been getting black men off since the OJ Simpson trial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y6oy7/do_you_know_what_the_kardashians_family_motto_is/
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A boy was called into the principal's office

The principal asked him for his name, he said
"D-d-d-da-david, sir".
"Do you have a stutter David"?
"No sir, my father has a stutter, and the guy who registered my name was an asshole".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y6n3w/a_boy_was_called_into_the_principals_office/
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What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y6mzm/whats_the_dirtiest_or_sexiest_joke_you_have_ever/
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What do you get when you combine Reddit and 4chan?

A REEEEEE-post

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y6k8q/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_reddit_and_4chan/
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My daughter told me she wanted a Cinderella themed party

When her friends got home I made them all clean the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y6fxz/my_daughter_told_me_she_wanted_a_cinderella/
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Same difference

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
“Did you get that for your birthday?” – asked Johnny.
“Nope.” – replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”
Again Jimmy said “Nope.” “You didn’t steal it, did you?” – asked Johnny.
“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch.
He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in act, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?”
“I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.
Without missing a beat, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y6ep0/same_difference/
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I met a Jewish girl and she asked me for my number

I told her we use names here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y6eme/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_me_for_my_number/
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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y6ek0/3_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/
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Where do you find a peacock?

In between peanuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y6dml/where_do_you_find_a_peacock/
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What does a Jewish beermaker do?

He brews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y6bop/what_does_a_jewish_beermaker_do/
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Been watching women’s golf on the TV this morning...

They don’t appear to be very good at driving but they’re great with an iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y65jv/been_watching_womens_golf_on_the_tv_this_morning/
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Why couldn't the Clam make new friends?

It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y64dv/why_couldnt_the_clam_make_new_friends/
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When you drink a lot of alcohol, you oversleep, don't remember important things, don't go to work, hallucinate and sometimes even forget that you have a girlfriend or that you're married...

But most importantly, don't forget that drinking also come with negative effects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y5zm4/when_you_drink_a_lot_of_alcohol_you_oversleep/
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It's like my Klingon hairdresser said:

It's a good day to dye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y5x6u/its_like_my_klingon_hairdresser_said/
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Dont Drink and Drive

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy
bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the
curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for
several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he
started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read
him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results
showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how
that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y5v3a/dont_drink_and_drive/
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My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y5tns/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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Where do you find a dog with one leg?

Where you left it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y5sfl/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_one_leg/
%
A father and his son are fishing...

Son: "Dad, what do we do first?"
Father: "First, we attach this clickbait to the end of our rods and throw it into the lake."
**The son proceeds to do as his dad said**
Son: "Alright dad, what's next?"
Father: "What happens next will shock you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y5qqc/a_father_and_his_son_are_fishing/
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Hola milk

Soy dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y5mq1/hola_milk/
%
My dad thinks his job is beneath him.

He’s a floor manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y5k26/my_dad_thinks_his_job_is_beneath_him/
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My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr.Awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y5j6f/my_nerdy_friend_just_got_a_phd_on_the_history_of/
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I told my son that wetting your pants is nothing to be ashamed of.

It didn’t work; he’s still teasing me for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y5gog/i_told_my_son_that_wetting_your_pants_is_nothing/
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I dont think I need a spine.

It's holding me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y5g9y/i_dont_think_i_need_a_spine/
%
This one time Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest..

His entry left the judges speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y5b6q/this_one_time_frankenstein_entered_a_bodybuilding/
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Good news for insomniacs everywhere today

Only 7 more sleeps until Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y553s/good_news_for_insomniacs_everywhere_today/
%
My wife and I were having great difficulty conceiving

We tried everything, got tested, tried in vitro, etc. Nothing worked. Finally, the doctor said we were putting too much pressure on ourselves. He said to throw away the charts and the thermometer and just enjoy sex again, doing it whenever mood struck.
On morning at breakfest, I was reading the paper and reached for the salt. My wife reached for it at the same time. Our fingers touched, our eyes met, and I swept everything off the table, picked up my wife and made love to her right there. Nine months later we had a baby
Of course we still aren't allowed in our local burger king but I think it was totally worth it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y541e/my_wife_and_i_were_having_great_difficulty/
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I still remember when my mum used to tuck me in as a child

Man, She really wanted a daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y52o8/i_still_remember_when_my_mum_used_to_tuck_me_in/
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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget
about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just
want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee
time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have
time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y51bx/a_man_and_his_wife_walked_into_a_dentists_office/
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Three Men Of God

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to  the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One  day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all  that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing  led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go  out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert  it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the  experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches,  and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first.
"Well,"  he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him  I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted  nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed  my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as  gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first  communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He  was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.  In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you  KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then  I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted  nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We  wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a  creek.
So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just  like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the  day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was  lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's  and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y50t3/three_men_of_god/
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Two soldiers are sitting on opposite sides of a river

They do not understand each other's language. The one on the east side(american) calls to the other "how did you get over there did you parachute or did you swim?" All the while he made a signal with his arms of a parachute coming down and swung his arms as if swimming. Then he proceeds to say "I see you have a gun can you hit with it?" He Thrusts a finger into a closed fist as if it is a bullet. Then,finally he says,"I see you have binoculars and are watching me" he cups his hands around his eyes like binoculars.
The other soldier jumps up,runs back to base and tell his Commanding Officer "We have to leave the Americans are batshit crazy,one of them signaled me: when the sun goes down I will swim across the river and fuck you till your eyes pop out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y50rs/two_soldiers_are_sitting_on_opposite_sides_of_a/
%
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4zk3/how_many_brexiteers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A blind man and his wife

A recently blind man sits down to dinner with his wife and friends, one of his closest friends asks “What’s it like being blind, have you had to rely a lot upon your wife?”
The man much to his wife’s displeasure replies “Actually I have found that where my eyesight failed, my other senses picked up the slack and have become truly amazing. I’ll show you!”
As the wife grumbles under her breath.
So the blind man lifts his head into the air and after a few seconds points himself towards his wife, then takes a big inhale of air... “Ah, my senses have become that finely tuned that I can tell my wife is already on her period!”
The mans wife overcome with anger and embarrassment stands up and shouts “No I am not, how dare you!”
To which the man replies “Well it sounds like you are!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4tfu/a_blind_man_and_his_wife/
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I have an enormous sex drive.

4TB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4suw/i_have_an_enormous_sex_drive/
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A bank robber robs a bank.

Before leaving, he turns to one of the hostages and asks:
"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Yes." replies the hostage.
The robber then shoots the hostage and turns to another one.
"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Uh, yes?" says the hostage.
The robber shoots him as well.
The robber then turns to the third hostage and asks the same question:
"And you, did you see who robbed the bank?"
"No, I did not." replies the man.
"But my wife did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4rj9/a_bank_robber_robs_a_bank/
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What’s the difference between a constipated owl & a blind sniper?

One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4qgf/whats_the_difference_between_a_constipated_owl_a/
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What do you call a man with sore hands?

Arthur Itis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4oxp/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_sore_hands/
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Ate a dictionary yesterday

It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4kn2/ate_a_dictionary_yesterday/
%
What’s the deal with airline food?

Just because we’re high they think we’ll like it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4jdr/whats_the_deal_with_airline_food/
%
A priest and a kid in a car.

a priest and a kid are in a car who's driving ? the cop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4j2s/a_priest_and_a_kid_in_a_car/
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Did you know alcohol helps if you can't sleep?

It doesn't help you sleep, but it makes the lying awake much better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4gqc/did_you_know_alcohol_helps_if_you_cant_sleep/
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MY GIRLFRIENDS DOG DIED SO I GOT HER AN IDENTICAL ONE

She was livid and screamed what the fuck do I do with 2 dead dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4f4f/my_girlfriends_dog_died_so_i_got_her_an_identical/
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"Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?"

"Yes we arson..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4f0s/dad_are_we_pyromaniacs/
%
A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”
“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”
“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”
“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4eue/a_man_approaches_a_priest_bless_me_father_for_i/
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Why Condoms comes in 3,6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”
“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……. ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4esl/why_condoms_comes_in_36_and_12_pack/
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What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

The 1997 Hide n Seek champion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4dcu/what_do_you_call_a_dead_blonde_in_a_closet/
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My awkward friend...

... just got a PhD in Palindromes.
He's now Dr Awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4cdt/my_awkward_friend/
%
One of my grandpa’s favorite jokes to tell

One summer day two men are out walking their dogs
The first of the two men says “I could sure use a drink”
The second responds “there’s a bar right across the street” to which the first replies “they don’t allow dogs”
The second man says “watch and learn” and leads his dog into the bar.
The bartender stops him and states the bars no animal policy. The second man says “I’m blind and this is my seeing eye dog”
The bartender replies “I am so sorry please let me offer you a free drink”
The mans friend figured this is an easy task and decides to try it for himself
Upon entering the bar he is given the same speech by the bartender to which he responds the same way.
The bartender gives a confused look and says to the man “sir that is a chihuahua” to which the man replies, astounded, “they Gave me a chihuahua?!?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4cb6/one_of_my_grandpas_favorite_jokes_to_tell/
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Did you hear Monica Lewinsky is republican now?

The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
(Shoutout to south park for this joke,  i had to share it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y47gw/did_you_hear_monica_lewinsky_is_republican_now/
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Scientist "I went back in time and killed Hitler"

Other Scientist "Who?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y4702/scientist_i_went_back_in_time_and_killed_hitler/
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Why was the priest so popular?

Because he had Mass appeal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y46k6/why_was_the_priest_so_popular/
%
A well dressed guy walks into a bar.

He orders a double Scotch straight up, and relaxes at the bar. It's almost empty at this hour, and the barkeep is at the other end washing glassware. As the man takes a sip of his drink he hears a quiet little voice saying "Nice suit you're wearing". The man looks around and sees no one. He says to the bartender, "Hey, did you say something to me?" The bartender denies it and says he didn't hear anything. About 10 minutes pass and again he hears the quiet little voice saying "I really like your haircut". Again he looks around no one. He says to the bartender, "Hey, did you hear anything that time?" The bartender says he didn't hear anything, and that he's not the culprit. The guy returns to his glass of Scotch, and tries to relax. After about 15 minutes it happens again; "That tie was made for that shirt". The guy walks down to the bartender and says,"Look, I'm nursing the drink so I'm not drunk, but I'm hearing a little voice, I mean it's polite, even said it likes my clothes. But are you sure this isn't some kind of joke, or am I losing it?" The bartender cocks his head and thinks for a minute. Then he smiles and says "I know, it's probably our complimentary peanuts."
##

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y411l/a_well_dressed_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away

As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 5 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers
carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3z2b/a_funeral_service_is_held_for_a_woman_who_just/
%
There was a lighthouse owner that noticed the tide was coming way too high and might wash away his home. So he called 911

It was an emerging sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3yam/there_was_a_lighthouse_owner_that_noticed_the/
%
A physicist , engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip through the woods when they spot a deer.

The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 10 feet to the left.
The engineer says, "You forgot about air resistance. Give it here." He calculates wind speed and direction on his notepad, missing the deer again.
The statistician says, "Y'all need more data!" He pulls out a hand grenade, primes it, and hurls it at the deer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3t6y/a_physicist_engineer_and_a_statistician_are_on_a/
%
Guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots.

Bartender is amazed and says "really? Ten shots? All in a row? Right now?"
The fella nods and says "yeah, if you had what I have you'd want ten as well."
The shots get poured, the guy slams them, one after another within the space of a minute, then sits there, pale and a sick look on his face.
Wow this guy must be bad off, the bartender thinks, after watching him a moment the bartender screws up his courage and asks him.
"Fella, i gotta know. You just slammed ten shots, what do you have that you need ten shots to help? You said if I had what you had I'd understand. Well what do you got?"
The man looks down at the empty glasses in front of him and sighs, looking up at the bartender he took a deep breath.
"I got a dollar fifty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3rbw/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_10_shots/
%
Dave and Joe were best friends...

Joe and his family went on vacation for about a week, but when he came back, Dave noticed that he was very different, his mood and tendencies had completely changed.
This was not the same Joe.
The smoking gun was that Joe's eyes were not his usual green, but blue.
He flew to Joe's old hotel room, picked the lock, and broke in. Joe's family were all lying on the ground, dead. But Joe was nowhere to be seen.
He flew back home and as his car parked on his driveway, there in front of his car, was a giant black raven. The raven cawed, and out of its mouth came what looked to be a box of tic-tacs. Dave hesitantly opened it and tried one, they were mints, but there was something peculiar about them, there was a bit of meat right in the middle.
"Did you figure out yet?" a voice asked from behind him. "Where he is."
Dave turned around to see the impostor Joe. "What did you do to him!" he shouted
"You know. Deep in your heart... you know." said the impostor
Dave looked down at the mints, and had a horrible realization about the meat in the middle of them.
The real Joe is in the caw mints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3r07/dave_and_joe_were_best_friends/
%
Conspiracy theorist dies.

When he comes to heaven, God tells him:
"Now you can ask me anything."
"Ok, so who killed John F. Kennedy?"
"Lee Harwey Oswald did that."
"Wow, this goes much higher than I expected."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3qd3/conspiracy_theorist_dies/
%
So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.
I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3p8o/so_i_decided_to_set_up_my_new_nativity_scene_but/
%
Pop my Cherry

A man was driving down a remote road when his car broke down. There was no cell service so he walked to the nearest farm. He was approached by a farmer.
“How can I help you?” asked the farmer.
“Can I use a phone, my car broke down?”
“All the phones are down, I can drive you into town in the morning. You can stay here but you have to stay away from my daughters. I keep a loaded shotgun in case you get any ideas”
The man agreed. He went to bed and thought about how he was going to get home when he heard a squeak of the door. He saw a beautiful 22 year old woman standing at the door.  Remembering what the farmer said, he quickly whispered, “You need to leave..” but she drew closer and said,
“Fuck me now, Fuck me hard or I will paint my pillow red and tell my father you popped my cherry.”
The man scared, decided to go for it and made quiet but intense love to her. Then she left. He fell asleep for 20 min and then the door opened again. This time it was a 18 year old beautiful angel. The man , freaked out says,
“I can’t , please”…. The girl says “Fuck me , fuck me hard. Fuck me or I will paint my pillow red and tell dad you popped my cherry.”
The guy sighed, he gives in and satisfies her fully. She is happy and leaves. The man is now exhausted, but the farmer knows nothing. He thinks he is in the clear and then the 13 year old girl comes in.
The guy shakes his head vigorously. The man says, “ this is crazy, no way !”
She says “Make love to me or I will paint pillow green and tell dad you poppe…”
He says, “No no, I won’t……wait, green? I thought cherries were red?”
“They are, but mine ain’t ripe yet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3p3d/pop_my_cherry/
%
Chad Kroger walks into a supermarket.

He buys a Powerade.
The cashier says, "that'll be 95 cents."
Chad Kroger gives the cashier a dollar and takes the Powerade without taking his change.
Before Chad leaves the cashier yells, "Wait!"
Chad replies, "What?"
"Your band fucking sucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3p38/chad_kroger_walks_into_a_supermarket/
%
If a girl says she will get ready in 5 minutes she will

no need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3jng/if_a_girl_says_she_will_get_ready_in_5_minutes/
%
A guy goes in to a pub with a giraffe.

He orders a beer, and ten shots.
Drinks his beer, taking his time, before eventually telling the giraffe "Let's get going then!"
With that the giraffe drinks all ten shots, before dying on the spot. The gentleman attempts to sneak off as the bartender yells out "Uh, excuse me pal, you can't leave that lying there!"
Confused, the gentleman responds, "That's not a lion. That's a giraffe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3j0r/a_guy_goes_in_to_a_pub_with_a_giraffe/
%
A smoker, a drinker, and a gay man go to the doctor...

And he tells them if they give in to their vices one more time they’re all going to die. So they’re walking down the street very upset when they pass a bar. The drinker stops and looks in and says “I don’t believe the doctor! I’m going for it!” So he runs in orders a drink and barely finishes it before he collapses dead on the spot. The other two are shocked, but they keep walking. As they pass a bus stop a waiting passenger tosses a half smoked cigarette on the ground. The smoker looks at it and just as he’s about to go for it the gay man grabs him and says “Please don’t! Because If you bend over to grab that cigarette we’re both dead!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3i8g/a_smoker_a_drinker_and_a_gay_man_go_to_the_doctor/
%
There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.
So the father placed his son in charge of the new advertising campaign. He told him that he would have no supervision and that any and all resources which he needed would be placed at his disposal. The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud.
Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed, "I have finished!" and he and his father went out to examine the first product of the new campaign: a billboard.
As they drove to the sight, the son explained how he had been blocked until a sudden insight had leaped into his head. They turned the corner and to the father's horror the billboard portrayed Christ on a cross with the caption: "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails."
The father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on a cross as it might offend their Christian clients. Dejected, the son said that he would fix the problem and report back to his father.
One week later the son again exclaimed that he was "finished," and took his father off to see the billboard. Sure enough, Christ was no longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross and the caption read:
"This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3hsk/there_was_a_wealthy_jew_who_owned_a_nail_company/
%
Man shoots another man five times but insists to law enforcement that it was an accident...

"How can you shoot someone five times by accident?" The officer asked.
"Well i was aiming for the man beside him but i have a lazy eye" the man said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3em1/man_shoots_another_man_five_times_but_insists_to/
%
"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3e6n/dead_or_alive_youre_coming_with_me/
%
The assassin

An assassin walks into a gun store one day and tells the owner “I need the best scope that you have, I don’t care about the price we can talk about it later I just want to see the best you have.” So the owner goes into the back and comes back out and shows the scope to the assassin and says “This is the best scope we have, it’s the top of the line, the best scope on the market right now. It is a little pricey though it’s around $10,000.”
The assassin says, “that’s a little on the expensive side I don’t think I can really afford that right now” and the owner says, “tell you what let me show you what this scope can do.”
The owner grabs a rifle off of the shelf and take the man out to the front. He puts the scope on the rifle and says, “This scope is so powerful you can see up to one mile where my house is, here take a look.” He hands the assassin the rifle and he looks down the scope and says, “ Wow this rifle is incredible, theres this beautiful woman out on the porch and...she’s having sex with someone.”
The owner takes the rifle from the man and takes a look and says, “ God dammit that’s my wife and my neighbor!” The man thinks for a minute and says to the assassin, “ tell you what give me one second.” The owner walks back into the store and comes out a minute later holding two bullets. He puts the bullets into the assassins hand and says, “How about this, if you can put one bullet through my wife’s head and another through my neighbors penis I will give you the scope for free.”
The assassin thinks for a second and looks through the scope and than hands one bullet back to the  owner and says, “I only need one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3cdg/the_assassin/
%
The Art of The Deal by Donald Trump:

The only book with three chapter 11's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3c3v/the_art_of_the_deal_by_donald_trump/
%
Did you hear about the deaf banker who got robbed?

Neither did he

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y39fg/did_you_hear_about_the_deaf_banker_who_got_robbed/
%
Why did my dad go to prison?

Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y35jv/why_did_my_dad_go_to_prison/
%
I conducted a survey with 100 women to see which shampoo was the most popular

The number one response was: How the hell did you get in here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y35jm/i_conducted_a_survey_with_100_women_to_see_which/
%
Losing my virginity was like school sports day...

I was bruised and bloody, but at least my father came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y33jx/losing_my_virginity_was_like_school_sports_day/
%
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?

They rearranged the furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y3169/how_did_helen_kellers_parents_punish_her/
%
[possibly NSFW] One day a man walks into a bar...

... and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano.
Stunned the man asks the bartender where he got this amazing person.
The bartender replies that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.
The man dashes into the the closet and as the bartender said, there's a genie inside.
Without hesitation the man wishes for a million bucks, however, instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared.
Infuriated, the man stormed to the bartender and screamed
"I think your genie is hard-of-hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."
The bartender shakes his head and replies,
"You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
**I did not invent this joke**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y30ci/possibly_nsfw_one_day_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Ray Kroc, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates walk into a bar.

The owner turns his back for a second and lost his bar.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y2xs1/ray_kroc_mark_zuckerberg_and_bill_gates_walk_into/
%
What do you give a pig with a diaper rash?

Oinkment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y2pqi/what_do_you_give_a_pig_with_a_diaper_rash/
%
My printer keeps playing random music

I called support. Don’t worry they said, it’s just the paper jamming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y2k3z/my_printer_keeps_playing_random_music/
%
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.

I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y2je7/my_dad_didnt_love_me_as_a_child_but_i_dont_really/
%
Knock knock

"Who's there"
"Dave"
"Dave who?"
Dave proceeds to break down in tears as his mother's alzheimers tears his family apart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y2ift/knock_knock/
%
I want a divorce...

I told The the judge.
“All my wife does every night is go out bar after bar”
“What is she doing” the judge replied
“Looking for me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y2ch6/i_want_a_divorce/
%
My kid (8) just told me this

The blue man lives in the blue house.
The red man lives in the red house.
The purple man lives in the purple house.
The green man lives in the green house.
Who lives in the white house?
.
.
.
.
The orange man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y2c9a/my_kid_8_just_told_me_this/
%
A black hole will devour the earth.

Sucks, doesn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y2bch/a_black_hole_will_devour_the_earth/
%
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs'...

who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."  The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then  prayed and prayed and prayed.  He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know.  It ain't 'til next week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y2854/a_preacher_said_anyone_with_special_needs/
%
What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity?

Nothing. He was too shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y245l/what_did_benjamin_franklin_say_when_he_discovered/
%
I ate a clock once

It was very time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y204q/i_ate_a_clock_once/
%
If we find a dead feline on mars

We won’t be sure but Curiosity may have killed the cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y1wpt/if_we_find_a_dead_feline_on_mars/
%
What feeling you get in r/jokes

Deja vu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y1wp5/what_feeling_you_get_in_rjokes/
%
A 60 year old man walks into a confessional.

The priest says, "What do you want to tell me, my son?" "The man says, "Well, I stopped at a bar for one short drink last night, and met a 20 year-old woman. We hit it off great, and ended up going to her place. We made love for 8 hours, and I had 6 orgasms without going soft-on even once. We'd still be at it if she hadn't told me she was exhausted." So the priest tells him to say 10 'Hail Marys'. The man says," Hail Marys? Wait, I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish." The priest asks, "Then why are you telling me all this?" The man says, "What do you mean you? Hell, I'm telling everybody!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y1vzo/a_60_year_old_man_walks_into_a_confessional/
%
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y1tyk/a_buddy_of_mine_has_just_told_me_hes_getting_it/
%
Death has a list

Whoever is in top of the list gets visited by death and killed. One day,  he knocks on a man's door and tells him, 'I've come to kill you .' The man was scared, but thinking quickly, said, ' At least come in ,have dinner,  and a good night's sleep before killing me.' Death accepted,  but unbeknownst to death, there were sleeping pills in the food. While death was sleeping, the man erased his name from the top of the list,  and wrote it down again at the bottom of the list. The next day,  Death woke up and said, "'You're the first person that's been so kind to me. As a favour to you, I'm going to start from the bottom of the list..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y1sjh/death_has_a_list/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender there is...

I would be arrested for possessing counterfeit money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y1qh6/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender_there_is/
%
Why didn't the spider baptize his 50 children?

too many fonts is bad for web design

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y1q31/why_didnt_the_spider_baptize_his_50_children/
%
An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: "Hey Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me."
It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try."
So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be.
"Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessly afterward, "I thought you said sex was no longer possible for you."
Says the old man: "Oh, my body is still highly capable; it's the paying that is no longer possible."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y1izn/an_old_man_is_walking_in_amsterdam_and_passes_a/
%
What do you call an Amish man with his hand up a horse's butt?

A mechanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y1eir/what_do_you_call_an_amish_man_with_his_hand_up_a/
%
what do you call someone who seduces your throat?

A necromancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y1d1g/what_do_you_call_someone_who_seduces_your_throat/
%
How many animals can you fit into a pair of spandex

Two calves, an ass, a lot of hares, a camel toe and a fish nobody can find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y1cjt/how_many_animals_can_you_fit_into_a_pair_of/
%
Hopefully, I’ve got a book coming out soon.

Shouldn’t have eaten it, really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y1aia/hopefully_ive_got_a_book_coming_out_soon/
%
What do guys who don’t use condoms and the British government have in common

Both will promise to come out smooth and clean on paper and then cause a huge mess in practise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y19y1/what_do_guys_who_dont_use_condoms_and_the_british/
%
What do you call an earthquake during a production of Hamlet?

A Shakesperience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y18r2/what_do_you_call_an_earthquake_during_a/
%
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?

Brochure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y17u9/bro_do_you_want_this_pamphlet/
%
I hate people who take drugs

For example, border security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y16lc/i_hate_people_who_take_drugs/
%
I got arrested at the airport yesterday.

All I said was hi Jack, hi sis and bro
wassup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y15d0/i_got_arrested_at_the_airport_yesterday/
%
Studies show that young people these days are having less sex than previous generations

I knew I was ahead of my time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y148i/studies_show_that_young_people_these_days_are/
%
A pretty good joke told to me by a coworker

One day little Billy approached Mr. Johnson's house and knocked on the door. After they exchanged a few pleasantries, little Billy asked Mr. Johnson, "Sir, I noticed ya got some milkweed growing in your backyard, mind if go back there and get some milk?" Amused by the request, Mr. Johnson replied, "Son, knock yourself out." knowing full well that he couldn't possibly get milk from milkweed. Sure enough, Billy came back to Mr. Johnson with 2 pails of milk. Little Billy thanked the now shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way.
The next day Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door again. "Afternoon Mr. Johnson, I noticed ya had some buttercups growing in your backyard, mind if I get some butter?" Curious this time around, Mr. Johnson replied, "Sure son, go right ahead." knowing full well he couldn't possibly get butter from a buttercup. Sure enough, Billy came back with 2 buckets of butter. Again, Billy thanked a now even more shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way.
The next day little Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door for a third time. Mr. Johnson, very intrigued by little Billy's strange requests eagerly greeted the young man. "How can I help you today son?" said Mr. Johnson. "Well sir, I noticed ya had some pussy willows growing in your backyar-" and before Billy could finish Mr. Johnson interrupted, "Hold on Billy! Let me go get my boots!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y11qy/a_pretty_good_joke_told_to_me_by_a_coworker/
%
"The floor is lava"

\- Everyone, Pompeii, 79 A.D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y0xf5/the_floor_is_lava/
%
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y0vqa/what_do_you_call_a_bullet_proof_irishman/
%
What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y0seq/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_and_finding/
%
My doctor gave me a formal diagnosis of narcissism today

That can't be right. I'm too important to be a narcissist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y0qgf/my_doctor_gave_me_a_formal_diagnosis_of/
%
Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.
Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?
Me: ... I'll tell him.
\[Later at home, sitting down with son\]
Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y0nk0/doctor_im_terribly_sorry_but_it_seems_your/
%
Why was the blonde so happy to finish a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months?

Because it said 3-4 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y0lrm/why_was_the_blonde_so_happy_to_finish_a_jigsaw/
%
The Traveling Salesman

A traveling salesman is going door to door in a small town. After having the door slammed in his face multiple times he decides to knock on one last door. The door is answered by a 10 year old boy wearing lingerie, high heels, lipstick and smoking a cigarette.
Salesman (shocked) : Young man are your parents home?!
The boy takes a drag from the cigarette
Boy: What the fuck do you think

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y0cnq/the_traveling_salesman/
%
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y0bw2/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
%
I just saw a convict on an elevator heading to the ground floor

He was condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y09w3/i_just_saw_a_convict_on_an_elevator_heading_to/
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I’ve recently begun telling everyone about the health benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y03xo/ive_recently_begun_telling_everyone_about_the/
%
Guess what the dominatrix said to the masochist.

You'll kick yourself when I tell you...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y033d/guess_what_the_dominatrix_said_to_the_masochist/
%
When in St. Petersburg, I couldn’t tell if people were in a hurry or just waiting around.

Couldn’t tell if they were Russian’ or Stalin’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9y01p4/when_in_st_petersburg_i_couldnt_tell_if_people/
%
Autocorrect keeps replacing “fuck” with “duck”

Either way it’s fowl language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xzys4/autocorrect_keeps_replacing_fuck_with_duck/
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My friend told me he uses off-brand flex tape

Weird flex but ok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xzx6c/my_friend_told_me_he_uses_offbrand_flex_tape/
%
How did the mansplainer sleep last night?

Well, actually.
_(inspired by an actual conversation with my wife this morning)_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xzwfx/how_did_the_mansplainer_sleep_last_night/
%
Integrating with cossin

Legal in Calc class and in Alabama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xzwb8/integrating_with_cossin/
%
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks

Some asshole's got my pen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xzv9y/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
%
Ryan Reynolds would have been great as Jay Gatsby.

After all, he’s both Green Lantern and Deadpool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xzr3k/ryan_reynolds_would_have_been_great_as_jay_gatsby/
%
As I child, I remember laying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.

Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xzqun/as_i_child_i_remember_laying_in_bed_with_my_eyes/
%
One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window.

As we played hide and seek and she said: ‘you’re getting warmer’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xzq6t/one_of_my_earliest_memories_is_seeing_my_mothers/
%
I love the F5 key

It's so refreshing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xznm8/i_love_the_f5_key/
%
Look, No Nut November jokes are pretty lame right now but

in December their time will come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xzlpy/look_no_nut_november_jokes_are_pretty_lame_right/
%
I've got an addiction to cheddar cheese.

Its only mild though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xzhaf/ive_got_an_addiction_to_cheddar_cheese/
%
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

Coming up on a par 3, Moses has Honours, but puts his shot in the lake. He raises his club over his head, and the lake splits, revealing his ball on the sandy bottom. Moses walks between the halves of the lake and chips his second shot up onto the green where it rolls into the hole for a Birdie.  Jesus tees off second, and also puts his shot in the lake. As he approaches the lake, his ball breaks the surface of the lake, held aloft by the tail of a fish. Jesus walks out onto the lake, and hits his ball off the fish's tail, landing on the green, and rolling in for a Birdie.  Finally, the old man tees off. Like those before, his shot lands in the lake. This time, however, his ball is flung out the lake by a jumping fish. The ball lands in a tree branch and is stuck, until a breeze blows, dislodging the ball from the branch. It falls into a sand trap adjacent to the green whereupon a gopher pushes it out of the sand trap and onto the green with enough momentum to roll into the hole for a hole-in-one.  Jesus rolls his eyes and says, "Dad! Quit fooling around!"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xzgoz/moses_jesus_and_an_old_man_are_playing_golf/
%
I rubbed a lamp and genie popped out, he said I could have ONE wish, so I wished for some of my words to be replaced with the names of cartoons

I am having a few Rugrats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xzfxz/i_rubbed_a_lamp_and_genie_popped_out_he_said_i/
%
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xzfkf/what_word_becomes_shorter_when_you_add_two/
%
Why do they decide to call it wakeboarding?

Cause waterboarding didn’t sound very fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xzfjh/why_do_they_decide_to_call_it_wakeboarding/
%
The diner had been waiting a long time for his meal and was on the point of walking out when the waiter appeared.

"I must apologize for the delay, sir," said the waiter, "but your fish will be coming in a minute."
The diner replied coldly: "What bait are you using?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xz9s2/the_diner_had_been_waiting_a_long_time_for_his/
%
Helen Keller was truly an inspiration,

She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xz6vg/helen_keller_was_truly_an_inspiration/
%
If electricity always follows the path of least resistance why does lightning not always strike in France﻿ ?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xz5zu/if_electricity_always_follows_the_path_of_least/
%
My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xz5eu/my_7_year_old_cousin_just_told_me_this/
%
How are wives like hurricanes?

When they come they are wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xz2t5/how_are_wives_like_hurricanes/
%
Dad, I think I'm lactose intolerant...

A family is sitting at the dining room table and the mom just served everyone lattes that she made. The son looks at his dad and says "Dad, I think I'm lactose intolerant." The dad says "Son, your mother made you that latte and you're going to like it."
A couple years later, they're sitting at the dining room table and the mom is serving everyone some fresh baked bread she made. The son says "Dad, I think I'm allergic to gluten." The dad says "Son, your mother made you that bread and you're going to like it".
A few years after that, the son walks up to his dad and says "Dad, I think I'm transgender." The dad says "Son, your mother gave you that Y chromosome and you're going to like it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xyw3m/dad_i_think_im_lactose_intolerant/
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What’s the difference between democracy and feudalism?

With democracy, it’s your vote that counts. With feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xyvi6/whats_the_difference_between_democracy_and/
%
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And in the Virgin Islands

Same thing, no canaries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xyvep/did_you_know_that_there_are_no_canaries_in_the/
%
There once was a man who’s lucky number was 5.

John was born on the 5th of May in 1955, at precisely 5:55 am, when his parents were both 55 years old. He lived on the fifth floor of an apartment, 5 hours away from his school.
As he grew up, the number five cropped up in his life in weird and wonderful ways. He was five minutes late to everything. He received 55% in every test he ever did. He had five significant others, and so on and so forth.
On his fiftieth birthday, John received a lottery ticket from his cousin as a birthday present. He entered it, and was shocked to find that he had won $5,555,555 in cash, and decided to spend it on horse racing.
At the horse-racing track, as John looked up at the signs, he noticed that a horse named Pentagram was about to run in the fifth race of the fifth heat at 5:55 pm.
*This must be a sign from the heavens!* he thought. *This horse and I were simply meant to be! I mustn’t ignore this—my entire life has been leading up to this moment!*
He bet all $5,555,555 of his money on Pentagram winning. As he sat in his seat (fifth seat in the fifth row) and watched the horses, including Pentagram, line up at the start, he felt a sense of anticipation and excitement beyond anything he had ever felt in his life.
*BANG!* went the gun, and the race started. It was an unbelievably close race, with all nine of the horses performing spectacularly well. Pentagram ran around the track in just fifteen seconds. But in the end, after the horses crossed the finish line, John’s jaw dropped.
Pentagram, obviously, had come fifth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xysn2/there_once_was_a_man_whos_lucky_number_was_5/
%
15....15....15....

Every day on my way to work, I walk past a mental asylum with a tall wooden privacy fence blocking it from street view.
For the last few days, every time I walk by I have heard someone on the other side of the fence saying "15....15....15...." over and over.
Finally today, my curiosity got the best of me so I found a small hole in the fence. I pressed my eye up to it to see what was going on on the other side and almost immediately was poked in the eye with a stick.
Then I hear it... "16....16....16...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xyrkd/151515/
%
You know you're getting old when

You find your favorite teen pornstar under the milf category.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xyq6n/you_know_youre_getting_old_when/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A ripoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xyfyi/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Why should you never get in an argument with a pogo stick?

They always jump to conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xyf53/why_should_you_never_get_in_an_argument_with_a/
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the paratrooper

A guy joins the paratroopers, like his father before him, and his father's father before him.
The day of the first jump, the guy comes home. His dad says, "Well, son, how'd it go?"
His son says, "Well, we were up there, and I was the last one to jump. But when I got to the door I just couldn't do it. So the instructor told me 'you had better jump out of this god damn plane before I stick my dick right up your ass.'"
So the father says, "Well, son, did you jump?"
And the son says, "A little, at first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xye7o/the_paratrooper/
%
What is the kinkiest cult?

the Illuminaughty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xycxj/what_is_the_kinkiest_cult/
%
I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xyb6g/i_saw_some_people_building_a_new_bridge_near_me/
%
Of course men work harder than women

Women get it right the first time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xy6rq/of_course_men_work_harder_than_women/
%
They say you don't really notice your own mistakes

Maybe that's why my parents ignore me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xy39b/they_say_you_dont_really_notice_your_own_mistakes/
%
A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xy14z/a_jockey_is_about_to_enter_an_race_on_a_new_horse/
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"No Jews Allowed"

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'
Sending a written message, the captain replied:
'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.
One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'
Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'
'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xxvvc/no_jews_allowed/
%
What should you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and use some lube.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xxvfk/what_should_you_do_if_your_wife_starts_smoking/
%
A dog got on the underground with me today.

Guess he's a subwoofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xxqvk/a_dog_got_on_the_underground_with_me_today/
%
What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.
Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xxnnk/whats_the_difference_between_donald_and_a_piece/
%
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xxmzx/what_is_the_difference_between_erotic_and_kinky/
%
I used to think that all radios had an antenna

But now I realise that was just a stereo type

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xxi1i/i_used_to_think_that_all_radios_had_an_antenna/
%
What do you call the guy that hangs out with 3 musicians?

The drummer
Ba-Dum Tsk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xxbaq/what_do_you_call_the_guy_that_hangs_out_with_3/
%
A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xx9co/a_teacher_decides_to_let_students_out_early_if/
%
My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open.

Which is probably why his submarine sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xx4zl/my_grandfather_is_always_saying_that_in_the_old/
%
Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to pray every Sunday.
But after a little while, everyone gets, well, restless. To be blunt, they're all horny and have no sexual outlets. Being devoutly religious people, pre-marital sex is out of the question.
So, they come up with a system. The woman marries one of the men for a week, then gets a divorce and marries the other man for a week. They just go back and forth like this. This way, each of the guys get seven days full of sex every other week, and the girl gets laid whenever she wants.
This situation works out great, and their three-person community is thriving. But after eight months of this, the woman gets bit by a poisonous snake and dies.
The first week is really rough. The second week is even worse. The third week is just plain terrible. The fourth week is practically unbearable. So on the fifth week, they decide to bury the body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xx19z/two_guys_and_a_girl_become_shipwrecked_on_a/
%
A priest has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. He wakes up as he's rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses, "We are just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xwx16/a_priest_has_a_heart_attack_and_is_taken_to_the/
%
I used to install mufflers but I recently quit

It was too exhausting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xww56/i_used_to_install_mufflers_but_i_recently_quit/
%
Why was William afraid to join the army?

He was scared of the command “fire at will”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xwvof/why_was_william_afraid_to_join_the_army/
%
A guy walks into a bar carrying a plum and orders a beer.

"Why do you have a plum?" the bartender asks. "I couldn't find a date," the guy replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xwqdy/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_carrying_a_plum_and_orders/
%
(On first date): Her: What do you do? Me: I’m a butcher.

Her: Wow! Have you no heart?
Me: Are you criticizing me, or placing an order?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xwn7c/on_first_date_her_what_do_you_do_me_im_a_butcher/
%
What’s the difference between a newlywed Danish couple and Batman’s parents?

One couple are Wed Danes and the other are Dead Waynes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xwlom/whats_the_difference_between_a_newlywed_danish/
%
Why don't vegan take risks?

Because their life could be at steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xwjhd/why_dont_vegan_take_risks/
%
French archaeologists found ancient copper cables under Paris...

They came to the conclusion that the French had telecommunications way back in the Copper age. Infuriated by this, the British published a paper saying they found Bronze cables under London and came to the conclusion that they had telecommunication technology way before the French.
After hearing this, the Americans did some digging and found iron cables and came to the conclusion that they were the first to have telecommunication technology.
Undeterred, the Indians did they own digging under the ancient city of Varanasi but found nothing, they came to conclusion that ancient Indians had wireless technology way before anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xwivy/french_archaeologists_found_ancient_copper_cables/
%
My drug dealer started to disguise himself as a Jehovah's Witness so he would not arouse suspicion.

He was arrested when the police saw people actually let him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xwi77/my_drug_dealer_started_to_disguise_himself_as_a/
%
An old bloke hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years...

The hitman says "It'll be a quick kill, I'll shoot her just below the left tit"...
The husband says "I want her dead, not fucking kneekapped!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xwg51/an_old_bloke_hires_a_hitman_to_kill_his_wife_of/
%
I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."

"Capricorn." I replied.
"Yeah, right," he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xwfvq/i_walked_into_the_doctors_surgery_and_he_said_to/
%
"What would you like for your anniversary, darling?" asked the husband as the couple prepared to celebrate their thirtieth wedding anniversary.

"How about a new wardrobe full of designer labels?"
"No, I don't think so," said the wife.
"Then what about a new Mercedes?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Then what about a holiday in Bali?"
"No, I don't think so. You see, what I really want is a divorce."
"A divorce?" said the husband. "Sorry, darling, I wasn't planning to spend that much!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xwcdq/what_would_you_like_for_your_anniversary_darling/
%
Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xw8qv/dont_know_why_this_got_removed_the_first_time_ill/
%
How does a necrophiliac get rejected?

They get ghosted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xw57v/how_does_a_necrophiliac_get_rejected/
%
My girlfriend is my life.

Life sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xw32r/my_girlfriend_is_my_life/
%
I think there is something wrong with my TV.

An advert has just come on with a white , married heterosexual couple in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xw2o1/i_think_there_is_something_wrong_with_my_tv/
%
If you had to choose between a wonderful wife or a wonderful car..

Would you choose a petrol or a diesel engine ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xw2ht/if_you_had_to_choose_between_a_wonderful_wife_or/
%
What did the unhappy factory electrons do?

Unionize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xw2gg/what_did_the_unhappy_factory_electrons_do/
%
If the Dove is the bird symbol of love, what is the bird of true love?

The swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xw0z0/if_the_dove_is_the_bird_symbol_of_love_what_is/
%
Did you hear the one about the guy who invented revolving doors? [oc]

It was a revolutionary way to enter buildings!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xw0us/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_guy_who_invented/
%
If you were a dog, what would be your favorite kind of shoes to chew?

The ones from Delhi.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Thats because they are Delhi-shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xvvwi/if_you_were_a_dog_what_would_be_your_favorite/
%
The Hunchback of Notre Dame

There once was a man who went by the name of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Every morning and every afternoon he would go to the top of his tall bell tower and ring the bell. But he was getting old and it was getting too hard on his body. So he decided to put up advertisements for a new bell boy.
One day when the Hunchback was sipping his tea at the top of his belltower he heard a knock on his door, on hearing this he climbed down his stairs and opened to door where a young man was stood,
"Hi, I'm here for the bell ringer job" he said
"Very good then follow me" the Hunchback replied as he beckoned him to follow.
As they got to the bell the Hunchback said he was going to demonstrate how to ring the bell. He pulls it back, pushes it fowards and takes a step to the side and the bell makes a huge DING sound. Then it was the boys turn. He pulled it back, pushed it foward, but stood still, and the bell came back and hit him smack bang in the face, DING, which knocked him all the way down the tower.
The Hunchback thought he'd better go check on him. So he went all the way down his stairs and by the time he got to the bottom a crowed had formed. A police officer came up to the Hunchback and said,
"Do you know this kid?"
To which the Hunchback replied
"No, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xvv17/the_hunchback_of_notre_dame/
%
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xvutb/i_found_my_son_hanging_from_a_rope_in_his_bedroom/
%
A bartender refused to serve a drunk man at a bar last night

He told him to be on his way because of all the trouble he was causing.
"Fine," the man said, "I'll go now."
As he tried to leave the bar, he kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this kept happening until he later spoke with his girlfriend.
The man tells her, "I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face!
The girlfriend replied, "You idiot. That's because you left your wheelchair at the bar again.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xvu9k/a_bartender_refused_to_serve_a_drunk_man_at_a_bar/
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I met my new girlfriend at a fancy dress party where coincidentally and bizarrely, we were both dressed as dolphins...

We just clicked...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xvs7d/i_met_my_new_girlfriend_at_a_fancy_dress_party/
%
What’s green and smells like bacon?

Kermit the frogs fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xvps0/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
%
So is living in switzerland any good?

I dont know but the flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xvpbe/so_is_living_in_switzerland_any_good/
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There once was a man named Trev

Trev lived on a farm with his beautiful wife Cassidy. Together they had a baby who they named, Trev Jr. For his first birthday, Trev gave Trev Jr a small, red toy tractor, and he loved it. Everyday Trev would play with his tractor, sleep with his tractor, eat with his tractor, he did everything with it. It was his best friend. Then came Trev Jrs second birthday, and Trev decided to give his son a slightly bigger, red tractor. And Trev Jr loved it even more! He could have tractor battles, tractor wars, tractor tea parties, he could do anything! And on Trev Jrs third birthday, you guessed it, Trev got his son a slightly bigger, blue tractor! To Trev Jr, it was almost a dream come true! He loved it. It was everything he wanted. And as Trev grew up his love for tractors just kept building up, he got tractor blankets, tractor wallpaper, tractor underpants, his life revolved around tractors.
A few years passed, and Trev was now around the age of nineteen. One day he was walking to Farmers (where all the farmers go) and something caught his eye. A beautiful girl. Long flowing ginger hair, big blue eyes, a slender body, she was exactly Trevs type. There was no way Trev was gonna let this opportunity slip through his fingers. He approached this girl, her named he found out was Trevett, and her personality held up to her beauty. Trev was instantly hooked. And luckily for him, things started working out. Before they knew it they were dating, and falling in love.
Two years passed, and it was Trevs 21st birthday. They were having a big party at the farm with all of Trevs friends and of course Trevett. But as the party started dying down and people started to leave, Trev Senior tapped Trev on the shoulder and said,
"Follow me, I've got something to show you"
He took Trev down to the garage, where there was a large blue tarpaulin draped over a big object almost taking up all the space in the garage.
"What's this?" Trev asked
Then Trev senior simply said,
"I hope you like it"
And with one swift motion, he pulled off the tarp, and there, standing before him in all its glory was Trevs very, own, tractor. Trev runs over to his father and they fall into a tight embrace,
"I love you, dad!"
Every day Trev would spend time with his tractor, polishing, cleaning, riding it around the farm, riding it around town and even taking Trevett for a ride sometimes. But his tractor wasn't the only thing Trev was falling deeply in love with, so he decided he would do something about it. One Saturday evening when the sun was setting, Trev drove Trevett to the far corner of his farm on his tractor, to a beautifully set up picnic, with champagne, candles, the works. After a long talk and the sun was disappearing behind the horizon, Trev turned to Trevett and said,
"Trevett, every second I spend with you are the best times I've ever had in my life, and after a long time of thought I have decided that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, will you marry me?"
Trevett was astonished. She loved Trev, but there was one thing about him she despised, hated and loathed with every bone in her body, she hated tractors. Everything about them, how loud they are, how slow they are, she hated them with all her guts. So she came to a decision,
"I love you Trev, but if you want to marry me, you must get rid of all your belongings related to tractors. Your tractor blankets, your tractor wallpaper, your tractor underpants, your real tractor and even your love for tractors. I wish for you to do this, but if you can't, I'm sorry."
Trev was shocked. This was too sudden. How could he choose between the two loves of his life? He needed time. Therefore, they came to an agreement, he had two weeks to decide, and by then he has to come to a decision, her or the tractors.
Two weeks passed, and it was time for the decision to be made. Trev picked up Trevett on the bus, and walked her to the same corner of the farm, with the same picnic and the same sun setting in the background. They sat down, Trev turned to Trevett and said,
"I did it! I destroyed everything, I burnt the blankets, tore off the wallpaper, threw away the underwear, and I've even completely lost my love for tractors."
"But what's that over there?" Trevett asks as she points to Trevs tractor in the middle of the farm,
"Nothing," Trevs says, as he pulls out a remote from his pocket, presses a button...
BOOM
A giant ball of fire appears where the tractor once stood. Tears rolled down Trevs cheeks, but he knew he did the right thing.
Six months pass and Trev and Trevett are stood facing each other in a beautiful white church, it was the wedding day. All of the couple's friends and family are here to celebrate rejoice this wonderful day. But as the newlywed were reciting their vows something strange started happening, all the windows and doors suddenly slammed shut, and thick black smoke started pouring out of the vents at a rapid pace, filling the room with black smog. Panic erupted in the church, but one man held his cool, Trev. He stood up, lifted his chin and with one huge breath he sucked all the black smoke into his lungs, he then walked up to a window as smashed it open with his elbow and again with one big breath blew ALL the smoke out, saving himself and all the people inside. Astonished, Trevett looks up at Trev and says,
"Trev, h-how did you do that?"
"well you see my love, I'm an ex-tractor fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xvnjr/there_once_was_a_man_named_trev/
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I turned to my wife beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I had no idea our son would go so far.”

She said, “Yeah. The catapult is amazing. Go get our daughter.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xvktf/i_turned_to_my_wife_beaming_with_pride_and_said/
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If you look at the word "nun"....

you´ll see it´s just the letter n doing a forward roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xvjci/if_you_look_at_the_word_nun/
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Why do men stare at boobs?

The quickest way to a woman's heart is through her chest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xvfh7/why_do_men_stare_at_boobs/
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I got a call telling me my wife’s been taken to the hospital.

“Oh my Lord, how is she?!” I asked.
“I’m sorry to say she’s critical,” said the nurse.
“What the heck is she complaining about again?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xvc0k/i_got_a_call_telling_me_my_wifes_been_taken_to/
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To the bastard thief who stole my anti-depressants...

... I hope you're fucking happy now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xv9t8/to_the_bastard_thief_who_stole_my_antidepressants/
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3 guys stuck on a deserted island (translated joke from my native tongue)

3 guys got  stranded on an island. A white guy a black guy and an asian guy. They started to search the island to see of there's any sign of civilization. Little did they know that there's a tribe filled with indigenous cannibals. They were captured right away. But before they eat them they always hold a ritual to see of their gods approve.
The chief say: " okay, in this ritual we need you to go to the forest and grab one  fruit for you to take back. If you pass the test we will let you go."
So they all went and search for a fruit. The white guy came back first with an apple.
Chief: " ok heres what we do with the ritual. You need to insert that fruit into your asshole. if you dont show any any kind of expression, that means you pass and we will let you go."
The white guys face paled, as he tried to insert the apple into his ass, he showed a painful expression. He got killed and went to heaven.
Black guy comes back with a cherry. The chief explained the ritual to him. But when he was trying to insert the cherry in his ass he bust out laughing. He got killed and went to heaven.
[In heaven]
White guy: "why did you laugh, you couldve lived. For gods sake its a cherry!
Black guy: " trust me i know, but i couldnt help it. As i was inserting the cherry up my ass, i saw the asian guy running in with a PINEAPPLE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xv8hm/3_guys_stuck_on_a_deserted_island_translated_joke/
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A young couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The  couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.  When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the  husband obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.
"We  are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from  sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.
The  Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was  difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."
"However,  the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading  from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
One  afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she  bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with  her right then and there." Admitted the man, shamefaced.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head.
"We're not welcome at Home Depot either. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xv6zz/a_young_couple_wanted_to_join_a_church/
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Carpenter needed for 10 Downing Street

The Cabinets falling apart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xv6rp/carpenter_needed_for_10_downing_street/
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Ma and Pa

where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma.
Ma said "what was that for?"
Pa said "for forty years of bad sex."
Ma said "oh" and continued rocking.
Ma reached over and slapped Pa.
Pa said "what was that for?"
Ma said "for knowing the difference."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xv6fj/ma_and_pa/
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I have a friend from [insert inbred town here]

I have a friend from Norfolk [or insert another inbred town here] who can count all of their sexual relationships on one hand.
Three cousins, two Aunties and their Mum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xv4nl/i_have_a_friend_from_insert_inbred_town_here/
%
A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'
'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.
The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams.
At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?'
'The gold.'
'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.'
'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xv1vw/a_university_student_wanted_to_sit_next_to_one_of/
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Little Johnny comes home from school

And tells his father:
-Dad, today I got 4 F's at school
Dad gets frustrated:
-Why, what have you done, what subjects?
J: English, Maths, PE and Religion.
D: OK, how did you get an F in English class?
J: Teacher said: Mary loves John. Mary loves Allan. Mary loves Mark. And asked me: What is Mary in these sentences.
D: Mary is a fucking whore.
J: That is what I said, so I got an F.
D: Wow, and what about Maths?
J: Teacher asked me what is 3+2. I said 5 and then she asked me what is 2+3.
D: Same shit.
J: That is exactly what I said.
D: Well, OK, and what about PE?
J: Teacher told us to raise our hands, so I did. Then told us to lift our left leg, so I did. And then he told us to lift our right leg.
D: What are you then supposed to stand on, your dick!?
J: Yeah, I told same thing and got an F.
D: Huh, and Religion?
J: Teacher told us that God is present everywhere around us, so I asked her if the God is present in our neighbour's cellar and she said that God is present even there.
D: Yeah, my ass, our neighbour doesn't even have a cellar.
J: That's what I said.
D: OK, tomorrow I will go to your school to talk to those teachers.
The next day, dad comes back from school and disappointed says to his son: "Son, I am sorry but you are kicked out of the school."
J: What, why?
D: When I came to school and I got to your classroom there were PE, Maths, English, Religion and Arts teacher sitting there.
J: Wait, what was the Arts asshole doing there?
D: That's what I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xuy1g/little_johnny_comes_home_from_school/
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xuufi/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
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Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?

Tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xuu7s/why_did_the_mexican_throw_his_wife_off_a_cliff/
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Did you hear the one about the smoking nun?

She picked up a bad habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xusol/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_smoking_nun/
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My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing.

I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xus7d/my_friend_was_fired_from_his_job_at_the_road/
%
Chuck Norris died this morning

He's fine now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xuos4/chuck_norris_died_this_morning/
%
An Englishman, a Scottish man and an Irish man walk into a bar.

They all had to leave because the English man voted to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xuloo/an_englishman_a_scottish_man_and_an_irish_man/
%
I hate being short.

Most of these jokes go right over my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xulm4/i_hate_being_short/
%
Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xuihr/yes_buzz_lightyear_could_kill_all_the_other_toys/
%
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!"
The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country you fucking towelhead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xuhv0/two_syrian_refugees_compete_to_see_who_can_become/
%
What's the difference between a chef and a beggar?

Whether there's a space between "pan" and "handler".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xuhab/whats_the_difference_between_a_chef_and_a_beggar/
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My friend asked me what I did in Rome during my holiday

I said “Roaming around”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xufug/my_friend_asked_me_what_i_did_in_rome_during_my/
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A Joke My Stepdad Told Me

This may be an old joke that some of you can predict, but I thought it was funny to share:
So there was this fly flying around above this river, with a fish in the river nearby.
The fish thought to himself that he could get that fly and have a nice snack if it would just drop 6 inches. On the side of the river, there was a bear nearby watching the fish.
The bear thought to himself that he could get that fish and have a nice snack once it goes for the fly after the fly drops 6 inches.
Across the river, there was a hunter eyeing the bear and he saw what was happening. He thought to himself that if the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish grabbed the fly, and the bear grabbed the fish, then he could shoot the bear and have himself a nice pelt.
The hunter had a lunch box next to him with a cheese sandwich in it that a mouse was eyeing nearby. The mouse thought to itself that if the fly drops 6 inches, the fish goes after the fly, the bear goes after the fish, and the hunter shoots the bear, then the mouse could go after the sandwich while the hunter is distracted and have itself a nice meal.
Watching all of this back in a bush on the Hunter's side of the river was a cat nearby. He, too, saw what was happening. He thought to himself that if the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish jumped up and ate the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, and the mouse grabbed the cheese sandwich, then he could grab the mouse and have himself a snack.
Well, the fly did drop 6 inches, the fish was able to grab the fly, the bear was able to grab that fish, the hunter shot the bear, and the mouse was able to get his share of the cheese sandwich when the hunter wasn't looking. However, the cat was unsuccessful in grabbing the mouse and fell into the river.
Moral of the story: When the fly drops 6 inches the pussy gets wet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xucg3/a_joke_my_stepdad_told_me/
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My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xuc8h/my_girlfriend_borrowed_100_from_me_after_3years/
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The details in big hero 6

I just watched Big hero 6 and I loved it! I loved the details in it, Tadashi' s subtle breathing. I got disappointed when they got lazy and stopped animating it though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xuc3r/the_details_in_big_hero_6/
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What do you say to a lactose intolerant Mexican?

No whey Jose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xu9do/what_do_you_say_to_a_lactose_intolerant_mexican/
%
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xu8ce/after_a_long_time_i_told_my_hot_coworker_how_i/
%
“I just found out the world is flat” I told my girlfriend

Girlfriend: “Don’t be stupid”
Me: “You are my world”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xu268/i_just_found_out_the_world_is_flat_i_told_my/
%
The window dilemma

Two students go for oral exam.
The first goes in the class and the surveyor begins with the questions:
"
-lets say you are traveling by train and its getting hot. What will you do?
- Open the window. he answers.
- Very good - the surveyor continues.
The window has a surface of 1.5 m2, the compartment has a volume of 12 m3, the train speeds 80 km / h to the west, the south wind blowing at 5 m / s. How quickly will the space be refreshed?.."
The student does not know the answer and fails the exam.
He gets out and tells to the other student the question.
The second goes in, and the surveyor begins with the questions:
"
-Lets say u r traveling by train and getting hot. What will you do?
-take off the coat - answers the student.
"It's very hot!" Continues the surveyor.
-Take off my shirt and my vest.
-It's still hot! says irritating surveyor.
-take off the pants and socks.
"If someone comes and tries to rape you," said the very angry surveyor.
Student - Let the whole train fuck me, but I will not open the window!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xu1tf/the_window_dilemma/
%
What did the casket say to the other casket?

Is that you coughing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xty9l/what_did_the_casket_say_to_the_other_casket/
%
The year is 1943, and an Allied encampment is surrounded by German forces.

There are three regiments in the camp: one American, one British, and one Soviet. The three have been surrounded by the Germans, who have cut off their supply lines and are awaiting a surrender of the Allied troops. After several days, this has put severe strain on the encampment’s supplies.
Realizing they are low on food, the commanders of the three regiments decide they must begin to ration their supplies to their troops. As a result, each soldier is only given only one moldy crust of bread for the night.
An American soldier walks in to receive his portion, takes a bite of his bread and spits it out. “Bleck! This tastes like shit! It’s so bad it makes me miss my wife’s cooking, and her meatloaf tastes like a donkey fucked the Thanksgiving turkey! If you think I’m gonna eat any of this then you’re as dumb as a rock.” He tosses the crust onto the floor and leaves.
A British soldier walks in, bites into his bread, and then gags and coughs it up onto the ground. “Blimey! This is bloody disgusting! Is this really the only food we soldiers will be given to eat while stranded here? Well, if that’s the case, I refuse to eat any of it. Good day to you, sir.” And he storms out the door, behind the American.
A Russian soldier walks in, picks up all the dropped pieces of bread and gobbles them up. “FOOD! Wonderful food, comrades! I have never seen so much food in my life!!! Praise glorious leader Stalin!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xtvd8/the_year_is_1943_and_an_allied_encampment_is/
%
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station...

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xtqs2/a_police_officer_jumps_into_his_squad_car_and/
%
A nun, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar...

The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of fucking joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xtq56/a_nun_a_priest_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A woman on death row is going to be killed soon

The guard asks her what she would like for her last meal.
She responds, "I don't know, whatever you want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xtkf6/a_woman_on_death_row_is_going_to_be_killed_soon/
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What does a pregnant teenager and her unborn fetus have in common?

They're both thinking, "Shit, my mom is going to kill me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xtjky/what_does_a_pregnant_teenager_and_her_unborn/
%
How do you land a plane?

Hurry up, I can see the runway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xti3c/how_do_you_land_a_plane/
%
I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xthwy/i_always_thought_i_had_anger_issues_and_was/
%
There's this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter.

It's pretty nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xth76/theres_this_guy_going_around_dipping_his/
%
How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xtd5h/how_do_you_know_when_your_wife_is_dead/
%
Which state is the most basic?

OH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xt7vt/which_state_is_the_most_basic/
%
After sex I like to cook for my husband....

He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xt6nv/after_sex_i_like_to_cook_for_my_husband/
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The Fastest Thing in the World

Four guys were sharing their thoughts on the fastest thing in the world.
The first guys says, “It’s easy, the fastest thing is a thought. Before you can think about it, you’ve had a thought.”
The second guy laughs and says, “Nope.  It’s blinking. That is the fastest thing in the world. You don’t even have to think about it and you have blinked.”
The third guy pushes the second guy aside and says ,”No way! It’s electricity. You can flip a light switch and before you blink, the lights are on!”
The fourth guy has been kind of quiet and the others prod him for his input. He says, “Well, it’s diarrhea. The other day, I woke up and before I could think, blink, or turn on the lights, I had shit my pants!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xt2qa/the_fastest_thing_in_the_world/
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Officer: “You been drinking, Reverend?” Reverend: “Just water, Officer”...

Officer: “Then why do I smell wine?”
Reverend: “Good Lord, he’s done it again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xt2i1/officer_you_been_drinking_reverend_reverend_just/
%
How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xsz0t/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
I was walking with my friend today and we saw some money on the ground

I pointed it out to him but he didn’t pick it up. I looked at him and said “at least pick it up man, it’s common cents.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xst0o/i_was_walking_with_my_friend_today_and_we_saw/
%
Another bathroom joke

A little four-year-old boy is in the bathroom. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up.
“Matty, are you all right?” she says. “You’ve been in here for a while…”
Matty says, “I’m fine, Mommy… I just haven’t gone ‘doody’ yet.”
The little boy is sitting on the toilet impatiently. Every ten seconds or so he grips the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
“Matty, why are you hitting yourself on the head?” his mother asks, concerned.
Matty responds, “Works for ketchup.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xssxi/another_bathroom_joke/
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What is Ben Shapiro’s favorite game to play with friends?

MadLibs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xsr0n/what_is_ben_shapiros_favorite_game_to_play_with/
%
What is Gordon Ramsay's favourite Movie?

It's fucking FROZEN!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xsj54/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favourite_movie/
%
One day a man walked into a sporting goods store looking to buy a rifle.

The man had never been hunting before and asked the clerk if he could recommend a rifle.
"Oh yes," the clerk said. "I'm not a very good shot but I've done quite a lot of hunting in my day, even did some big game hunting with my brother in law."
The man responded "No way! Did you get anything?"
"I sure did, we were in the African jungle when we suddenly stumbled upon a monstrous crocodile. He was a mean one too. With scars all over his face this was surely one bad croc. My brother in law said he wanted to wrestle it and take a picture afterward. So he crept right up to it, until they were face to face, nose to nose, eye to eye, tooth to tooth. The giant croc stretched its massive jaws preparing to take a bite out of my brother in law. Naturally I couldn't let that happen so I raised my rifle and shot him, shot him right between the eyes."
"Amazing" said the man. "Yeah and I had this fancy belt made after I got back to our camp." "Oh wow! So the belt is genuine crocodile skin?"
"No, the belt is made out of genuine brother in law"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xscrt/one_day_a_man_walked_into_a_sporting_goods_store/
%
I told some friends I was having trouble sleeping. They said I should try listening to white noise.

I told them I don’t even like Eminem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xsbns/i_told_some_friends_i_was_having_trouble_sleeping/
%
What do you call a promiscuous hippo?

A hippoTHOTamus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xs6q1/what_do_you_call_a_promiscuous_hippo/
%
All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."
"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."
All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xs0l8/all_of_the_organs_are_deciding_who_should_be_in/
%
What nationality are always at the end of the race?

The Finnish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xs0jf/what_nationality_are_always_at_the_end_of_the_race/
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A little Lift home

I saw my midget neighbour on my way home today .
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
“Fuck off" he shouted back.
“What an ungrateful little shit” I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xrzo7/a_little_lift_home/
%
Who did The Fonz call when his motorcycle broke down on the way to Arnold's Drive-In?

Triple Aaaaayyyyy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xrxjr/who_did_the_fonz_call_when_his_motorcycle_broke/
%
Whats the difference between Jake Paul and a vacuum cleaner?

One of them needs to be plugged in before it sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xruqe/whats_the_difference_between_jake_paul_and_a/
%
What is deja vu?

98% of all posts on r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xru1l/what_is_deja_vu/
%
Slept with a new girl last night.

She asked if I deliver furniture for a living because I gave her some Badcock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xrsuq/slept_with_a_new_girl_last_night/
%
A doctor is checking out an elderly patient.

The doctor says to the old man, "Sir, are you aware you have a suppository in your ear?"
The old man immediately pulls out his cell phone, calls his wife, and says, "Martha, you can stop looking for my hearing aid, I think I know where I put it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xrqga/a_doctor_is_checking_out_an_elderly_patient/
%
Two Recently Married Men

Are on a plane in route to their honeymoon.
George turns to John and says "Hey baby. You wanna have sex right here in our seats?"
"What?! Are you crazy? There are hundreds of people on this plane!" Says John
George replies "Don't be so uptight. No one is paying a bit of attention. Watch I will prove it."
George stands up and says loudly "Does anyone have a pen I could borrow?"
No one responds so he asks again even more loudly. Still no response.
John sees his point and agrees. They have ravishing sex in their seats and not a soul on the plane says a word.
After the flight has landed and everyone has de-boarded, the stewardess sees an elderly gentleman still sitting in his seat a few rows ahead of where John and George were and the man has what appears to be vomit all over his sweater.
"Sir? Are you allright? If you were feeling sick you could have asked for a barf bag."
"Hell no. The guy a few rows behind me asked to borrow a pen and he got fucked in the ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xrko2/two_recently_married_men/
%
What's the worst thing to hear immediately after a prostate exam?

The nurse walk in and say "Who was that guy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xrg85/whats_the_worst_thing_to_hear_immediately_after_a/
%
Kinky in Bed

I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said "I'm feeling kinky!Turn off the light and stick it in my ass!"
As soon as I did, she screamed!
I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xrffw/kinky_in_bed/
%
Why did the belt go to jail?

He held up a pair of pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xrah8/why_did_the_belt_go_to_jail/
%
One thing I know is that a computer science major didn't name the original pokemon.

Otherwise, charmander would evolve into stringmander.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xr7p7/one_thing_i_know_is_that_a_computer_science_major/
%
What do you call a fight between E.T. and a man with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xr75d/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_et_and_a_man/
%
A young newlywed couple were too poor to go on a honeymoon.

The husband came up with an idea:  every time they had sex, they would each put a dollar into a piggy bank.  When they reached their first anniversary, they would open the bank and use the money it contained for their honeymoon.
All went well for their first year, and on their anniversary, they broke open the piggy bank.  It was crammed full with dollar bills.  To the husband's surprise, it also contained many $5, $10, $20, $50, and even $100 bills.
"What's going on?" he asked.  "I thought we agreed to put a dollar in each time."
"Well, we did," said his wife.  "But not everyone is as stingy as you are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xr43w/a_young_newlywed_couple_were_too_poor_to_go_on_a/
%
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xqyr9/to_this_day_the_boy_that_used_to_bully_me_at/
%
How are peanut butter and jelly related?

They're inbred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xqynu/how_are_peanut_butter_and_jelly_related/
%
40 years old and still single.

The son of a Billionaire was tired of his bad luck at finding a woman to marry. His father was sickly and he realized that soon he could be inheriting a fortune.
So that evening he thought of a way he could use his dad's fortune and bad health to his advantage.
He saw a beautiful woman and approached her. He told her about his father's fortune and that he will soon be inheriting it. He asked her if she would like to marry him. She told him she would get back to him in a few days.
Three days later, he received the phone call from her, all excited as she said "I'm going to be your step-mother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xqx4j/40_years_old_and_still_single/
%
What’s the difference between a suicide vest and a feminist?

One actually does something when it’s triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xqwrm/whats_the_difference_between_a_suicide_vest_and_a/
%
Build a man a fire, keep him warm for one night

Set him on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xqvrr/build_a_man_a_fire_keep_him_warm_for_one_night/
%
So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government.  His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:
I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.
So that night, little Johnny is trying to figure out what his dad meant, and got up to get a drink.  On his way to the kitchen, he watched his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend.  He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he saw his dad sneak down to the maid's room.
The next morning he tells his dad, so I think I have it figured out.  His dad asks, so how do you think it works?
Little Johnny says: "The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is screwing the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xqvqx/so_little_johnny_has_a_report_due_for_government/
%
I got a new job today selling corn to pirates.

A buck an ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xqvcn/i_got_a_new_job_today_selling_corn_to_pirates/
%
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are drinking at a bar.

The redhead says: When I get pregnant I’m gonna have a boy.
How do you know? - asks the brunette
- When I have sex im on the bottom so I’m gonna have a boy.
The brunette says: well then I’m gonna have a girl cause I’m always on the top.
The blonde starts crying: I’m gonna have puppies, I’ve been doing it doggy style

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xqus4/a_redhead_a_brunette_and_a_blonde_are_drinking_at/
%
The Unabomber



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xqour/the_unabomber/
%
Got a haircut last week. Didn’t love it at first...

But it’s grown on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xqlaj/got_a_haircut_last_week_didnt_love_it_at_first/
%
Nun and Bus Driver.

Once there was this really scummy bloke traveling on a bus, when a nun got on and sat right in front of him. She was quite good looking, so he leaned over to her and said, "I really want to fuck you in the arse!" She went bright red, and got off at the next stop.
When the bloke was getting off the bus the driver said, "Hey mate, I noticed the nun got off a couple of stops early, what did you say to her?"
The bloke replied, "Oh, I just told her I wanted to fuck her in the arse."
The driver thought for a minute, then said "Well, if you're still interested, I happen to know she walks through the park down the road there every night at about 6 o'clock." The bloke thanked the driver for the info then went on his way.
When he got home, he thought to himself "She'll never fuck a scumbag like me." So he got dressed up as Jesus.
That evening he was hiding in the bushes when the nun came wandering through the park. He leapt out and cried, "Gday. I'm Jesus, and I want to fuck you in the arse!"
The nun replied, "Well, seeing as how you're Jesus, I suppose you'd better."
So the bloke got his cock out, and proceeded to fuck the nun up the arse. But after he'd finished, he was feeling a bit guilty. So he said, "Actually love, I'm not really Jesus, I'm that rude bloke off the bus earlier."
And the nun replied, "That's OK, cause I'm not the nun, I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xqgg2/nun_and_bus_driver/
%
I threw out my old vacuum cleaner today...

It was just gathering dust.
(Courtesy of Tim Vine)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xqbi1/i_threw_out_my_old_vacuum_cleaner_today/
%
The Zoo

A little boy and his sister went to the zoo with their parents. At the zoo, they split up and each parent took a child around for a look at the animals.
When the little boy and his mother got to the gorilla, the boy said “Mommy! What’s that!”
“Well, son, that’s a gorilla.”
Then the boy pointed at the zebra. “Mommy, What’s that?”
“That’s a zebra.”
And on and on they went, with the mother naming each of the animals for her son. Wen they finally got to the elephant, the boy pointed and said “Mommy, what’s that?”
“Well, that’s an elephant.”
“I know Mommy, but what’s that?” The boy pointed underneath the elephant. The mother saw what he was pointing at, turned away, embarrassed, and said, “That’s nothing, Son, that’s nothing.”
Later on, everyone met up, and the parents swapped children. This time the boy went around with his father, and kept pointing at the animals and asking questions. When they got back to the elephant again, the boy said “What’s that?”
“Well, that’s an elephant, son.”
“I know, but what’s that?” the boy asked, again pointing underneath.
The father looked and said “That’s the elephant’s penis, Son.”
“How come when I asked Mommy, she said it was nothing?”
The father thought for a minute, then said, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xq7wv/the_zoo/
%
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach runs across the kitchen floor. She stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xq1yi/while_playing_in_the_backyard_little_johnny_kills/
%
Canada and Saudi Arabia are two great countries!

The only two countries where you can legally get stoned!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xpzy1/canada_and_saudi_arabia_are_two_great_countries/
%
What do you call a someone who is a mix heritage between and Asian and and Irish?

rice paddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xpyib/what_do_you_call_a_someone_who_is_a_mix_heritage/
%
Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor because of his severe stuttering problem.
The doctor says, "It appears that your penis is four inches too long and is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing the stutter."
"D-d-d-oct-t-tor. Wh-ha-a-at c-c-can I d-d-do?"
The doctor tells him that he must remove the extra four inches to relieve the strain.
Six months after the operation, the patient returns for his check-up. "Doctor, the operation was a success. I no longer stutter, I have a great job and my self-esteem is fantastic. However, my wife says that she misses the great sex we used to have. I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those four inches."
The doctor hesitates for a minute and then says, "I d-d-d-on't th-th-think-k-k-k that wo-wo-wo-ould b-be p-p-pos-s-s-ib-b-ble."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xpxtc/stuttering_problem/
%
Beethoven is about to conduct an orchestra...

Beethoven: Are you ready, kids?
Crowd: Aye, Aye, Captain!
Beethoven: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xpkja/beethoven_is_about_to_conduct_an_orchestra/
%
Two Chemists Were Talking

Chemist 1 : I'm afraid I forgot a couple polyatomic ion formulas
Chemist 2 : Which ones?
Chemist 1 : Hydroxide and Nitrate
Chemist 2 : OH NO3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xpjhz/two_chemists_were_talking/
%
My wife said that our son feels neglected.

"Who?" I asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xpgir/my_wife_said_that_our_son_feels_neglected/
%
Some bloke just told me I have no culture

Just because I can name more ninja turtles than renaissance artists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xpg3g/some_bloke_just_told_me_i_have_no_culture/
%
What did the yoga instructor say to her landlord before she was evicted?

Namaste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xpesv/what_did_the_yoga_instructor_say_to_her_landlord/
%
I used my wife's toothbrush yesterday.

She got really mad even though we've been married for 7 years. She was crying and she said I had to get her a new one.
I was confused so I said, "If you can show me a better way to scrape dog crap of my shoe, show me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xpesp/i_used_my_wifes_toothbrush_yesterday/
%
Where does the king keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xpadr/where_does_the_king_keep_his_armies/
%
What’s the hardest part about roller skating?

Telling your parents you are gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xp94o/whats_the_hardest_part_about_roller_skating/
%
The voting age should be the same as the age of consent

If the government can fuck me I should be able to vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xp6wg/the_voting_age_should_be_the_same_as_the_age_of/
%
Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake, finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ”Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to the old blind cowboy says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five important things:
1. The bartender is blond girl who’s holding a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl with a billy-club.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond, a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blond joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “Well hell no, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xp6ok/blind_cowboy/
%
I’m in high school and I like my classes for the most part,

but art is where I draw the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xp5ga/im_in_high_school_and_i_like_my_classes_for_the/
%
The Pope visits Alabama and sees two white guys pulling a black guy out of a river on a rope.

The pope orders the pope-mobile to stop and he gets out to praise the two guys for such an act of kindness and for breaking down racial boundaries in this modern society. He blesses the two men and says he will see them in heaven.
&nbsp;
Cletus turns to Bobby Joe and asks *“who the fuck was the dude in the white dress?”*
&nbsp;
Bobby Joe says *“well that’s the pope isn’t it, he’s the leader of the catholic faith and an advocate of world peace”*
&nbsp;
Cletus goes *“oh right, seems to me like that guy knows jack shit about alligator fishing”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xp2jb/the_pope_visits_alabama_and_sees_two_white_guys/
%
Two guys walk into a bar

One guy orders a crown and coke.  The bar tender hands him a apple.  Guy says I ordered a crown and coke not a apple.  Bartender says, “try it”.  He bites one side of apple and says “damn that tastes like crown.”  Bartender says “turn it around.”  Guy turns apple around and takes a bite “damn that tastes like coke.”    The next guy says I’ll have a Red Bull and vodka.  Bartender hands him a apple.  The guy takes a bite and says “damn that tastes like Red Bull.”  Bartender says “turn it around.”  Guy turns apple around and takes a bite “damn that tastes like vodka.”  The next guy says “I bet you don’t have a apple that tastes like pussy.”  The Bartender hands him a apple.  The guy takes a bite of one side and spits it out in disgust and says “damn that tastes like shit.”  Bartender says “turn it around.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xp1e2/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Nobody talks about Jesus’ ultimate miracle.

Having 12 close friends in his 30s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xp0m5/nobody_talks_about_jesus_ultimate_miracle/
%
An old Vermonter who lives right on the Massachusetts boundary has his land surveyed...

After the survey was complete and the new map was made, it turned out that he had been living in Massachusetts all this time.
"Good" said the old man.  "I can't take any more of those Vermont winters!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xoztq/an_old_vermonter_who_lives_right_on_the/
%
Knock knock

Wait...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xowhr/knock_knock/
%
Why don’t kleptomaniacs understand puns?

The take everything literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xovoh/why_dont_kleptomaniacs_understand_puns/
%
Why do North Koreans draw lines so well?

Because they have a Supreme ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xovbc/why_do_north_koreans_draw_lines_so_well/
%
What do you call Jude Law with a penis drawn on his chin?

Lewd Jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xousa/what_do_you_call_jude_law_with_a_penis_drawn_on/
%
If russia is the motherland and germany is the fatherland

That makes WWII domestic abuse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xotzp/if_russia_is_the_motherland_and_germany_is_the/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xotzb/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
Why wasn't the anti-vaxxer's son growing?

Decomposing bodies don't grow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xorzl/why_wasnt_the_antivaxxers_son_growing/
%
What do you call an Arabian pilot?

A pilot you racist fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xorke/what_do_you_call_an_arabian_pilot/
%
An American and a Russian are talking

The American says to the Russian, "I feel bad for you folks. You don't have any freedom. In my country, I can march right up to the White House, walk right into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"
The Russian says, "I can do that too."
"You can?" Replies the American
"Sure. I can march right up to the Senate building, walk right into the Presidential Cabinet, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xor1v/an_american_and_a_russian_are_talking/
%
I had a dream, Tim Cook was America's president.

But you just can't compare Apples to Oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xoqy3/i_had_a_dream_tim_cook_was_americas_president/
%
Why do space rocks taste better than Earth rocks?

They're a little meteor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xopyr/why_do_space_rocks_taste_better_than_earth_rocks/
%
This kid was born with no neck and no body....

So, for his 21st birthday, his dad takes him to the local watering hole to celebrate.
"Give my son the best drink you can make", said the dad.
So, the boy consumed the drink, and a neck started to grow under his chin.
The father was amazed, and ordered a second drink for his son.  The son drank it, and shoulders started to grow.
The father continued to order that drink, and the son drank each of them, until the son had a normal body.
"Hey, lets get you one more.  You might get a body part no one has ever had before."  So, the son downed one more.
POOF! The kid disappeared.
Crying, the father said to the bartender, "What was in that drink?"
The bartender replied, "I don't know but he should have stopped while he was ahead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xopvh/this_kid_was_born_with_no_neck_and_no_body/
%
How are zombies similar to intellectual men?

They both appreciate women for their brains, not their bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xooqv/how_are_zombies_similar_to_intellectual_men/
%
I heard it's a great time to buy in California.

Real-estate's on fire there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xolrx/i_heard_its_a_great_time_to_buy_in_california/
%
My doctor said he's been practicing for 30 years...

So when is he going to start doing his job for real?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xogjr/my_doctor_said_hes_been_practicing_for_30_years/
%
A farmer is driving to town

to buy feed at the local Co-op when he gets pulled over by a state trooper. “Do you have any idea why I pulled you over?” Yelled the the trooper. “I’m sorry but I don’t, why did you pull me over?” Asked the calm farmer. “Well to be frank with you sir, you were hauling ass back there around that bend.” Stated the officer. “Are you positive?” Questioned the farmer. “May I get out for a second?” The confused officer thought about it and said: “yeah, I guess.” So the farmer climbed out of his truck, looks in the truck bed and then turns around and says: “no, it’s still chickens.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xog5o/a_farmer_is_driving_to_town/
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Is it obvious what would happen if i sealed someones asshole?

No shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xocu9/is_it_obvious_what_would_happen_if_i_sealed/
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A vegan, an atheist, and a crossfitter walked into a bar...

i know, because they told everyone twice in 5 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xocpw/a_vegan_an_atheist_and_a_crossfitter_walked_into/
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"What is your name, son?

A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xoab3/what_is_your_name_son/
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A missionary journeys out into the world.

A christian missionary journeys out into the world to spread his beliefs. One day he reaches a native african tribe, where he lives for a while, while teaching them his ways and attending their fields inturn for shelter.
Some time passes and one day the chiefs daughter gives birth to a child. The chief saw that the child was much more pale than babies of their tribe ever was before. The chief becomes outraged and goes to confront the missionary, whos working in the fields.
"My daughter just gave birth, and the baby is white! You're the only white man in the tribe. Explain yourself!" The chief yelled.
"Very well" the missionary said. He points out into the field "Look out into your fields, chief. Theres a herd of sheep. They're all white, except once in a while theres a black sheep. How does one explain that?"
"Alright.. i wont tell anyone about the white baby, if you promise to not tell anyone about the black sheeps"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xo539/a_missionary_journeys_out_into_the_world/
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Carpenter wanted. Cabinet is falling apart

Address: 10 Downing Street

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xo3q3/carpenter_wanted_cabinet_is_falling_apart/
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My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her.....

I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xo37y/my_wife_shouted_at_me_this_morning_for_not/
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An old man bought a New BMW

and is driving on the Highway, 110mph,
125...
150
when there suddenly is blue light behind him.
He thinks to himself:"I am 87 and have a New car, I try to outpace him."
After a few minutes of chasing, He reaches 160mph.
He reconsiders :" Whatever, I am too old for this." and pulls Over.
A policeman comes up to his door and says:" okay Listen up, it's friday, my Shift ends in 15 minutes. If you Tell me an excuse i've never Heard we can both go our ways and forget about this."
The old man thinks to himself for a bit and says: "My wife left me for an police Officer ten years ago
And i was afraid you bring her back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xnxoa/an_old_man_bought_a_new_bmw/
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What is hard going in, soft coming out, and doesn't mind if you blow it?

Bubblegum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xnud0/what_is_hard_going_in_soft_coming_out_and_doesnt/
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A sadist and a masochist are in a room together

The masochist says "Hurt me!"
The sadist responds "No."
(Courtesy of my social 30-1 teacher)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xns48/a_sadist_and_a_masochist_are_in_a_room_together/
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A CNN reporter walks into a White House press meeting...

[not removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xnrw4/a_cnn_reporter_walks_into_a_white_house_press/
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Why don't you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore?

Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xnq7c/why_dont_you_see_brown_envelopes_in_the_mail/
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My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side,...

so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner, and ignored her all day for no reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xnp6w/my_wife_said_i_needed_to_be_more_in_touch_with_my/
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If you asked me why I married a sadist,...

I'd say, "Beats me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xnmor/if_you_asked_me_why_i_married_a_sadist/
%
I asked my coach if he thought I'd win today's swim meet.

He said to me "don't hold your breath, kid"
So I drowned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xnmas/i_asked_my_coach_if_he_thought_id_win_todays_swim/
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What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xnl9v/whats_the_cheapest_kind_of_meat_you_can_buy/
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Staking a claim

In 1897 a young man set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect for gold.
He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses to help him carry it.
The voyage to Skagway was difficult. The seas were rough and he spent many hours at the rail, emptying his stomach into the frigid, frothing waters.
His journey from Skagway to the Klondike wasn't any easier. Halfway through the journey, a blizzard caught him by surprise. One of his two pack horses didn't survive the frigid night. Wolves took care of the other three days later.
Pressing on he finally arrived in the Yukon, pulling his sled by hand. There, he discovered that all the claims had been taken, except for one on the outskirts of the town. The claim hadn't been taken as it seemed to have little promise.
He worked the claim for weeks, with his gold pan, his pick, and his shovel. Day after day he toiled, his supplies and hope dwindling with each shovel-full of frozen soil lifted from the earth.
After 9 months, his food supplies were exhausted, as were his mind and body. For all his labor, he still had nothing to show for all his labor. Dejected and despairing, he made his way back to Dawson and spent his last dollar on a shot of watered-down whiskey. He'd brought his gold pan with him to use as a plate for a meal, but he didn't have the means to purchase even a cup of caribou stew.
With tears welling in his eyes, he left the bar and slumped to the muddy boardwalk outside the blacksmith shop. The pan dropped from his dejected fingers onto the ground in front of him.
After all his labor, sacrifice, sweat, blood, and tears, he had nothing to show for it. Full of shame and despair, he wept in bitterness unabashedly, heedless of the men passing by on the boardwalk.
A few minutes later, a prospector in a fine broadcloth suit and a bear skin coat passed by young man. Looking down at him, he took pity on the broken young man. From his pocket he pulled forth a nugget the size of an acorn. Bending low, he dropped it into his discarded pan with a loud clang.
The young man, aroused by this sound, shook himself free of his stupified state. He stared down into the pan, disbelief dawning on his tear stained face.
Looking up at the prospector, with gratitude in his eyes, he said in a breaking voice, "Thanks for my first gold, kind stranger!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xnl7p/staking_a_claim/
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A man is being examined by his doctor

The doctor starts looking very concerned.
The man asks, "Doctor, what's wrong?"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry to tell you this sir, but you can no longer masturbate."
The man with a tear in his eye asks, "Doctor, why?"
The doctor replies, "Because, I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xni9x/a_man_is_being_examined_by_his_doctor/
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Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a little chat with the devil and gets to work. After one month, he has installed air conditioning, escalators, new toilets and hot tubs. One day God gives Devil a call.
God: Yo Devil, how's it going down there?
Devil: We're doing great! We have this engineer and he's very hard working. He's built escalators, jacuzzis, toilets.
God: What? There must have been a mistake. You are not supposed to have engineers in Hell, send him back to Heaven immediately.
Devil: No way! We've made plans for building pools, stone barbecues, the engineer is staying in Hell.
God: You are in breach of contract. If you don't send him back, I will sue you.
Devil: Ha! And where will you find a lawyer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xnfki/civil_engineer_goes_to_hell/
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There were three dinosaurs who found a magic lamp...

They rubbed it and a genie popped out. He said “there are three of you so you each get one wish”
The first dinosaur wished for meat.
The second dinosaur wished for a meat shower
And the third dinosaur wished for a meatier shower...
Let’s just say the genie thought that was something else...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xnf0v/there_were_three_dinosaurs_who_found_a_magic_lamp/
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Christopher Nolan was directing a scene when the chopper Batman was flying suddenly burst into flames.

Nolan yelled, "CHRISTIAN, BAIL!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xnc4q/christopher_nolan_was_directing_a_scene_when_the/
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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xnbva/brenda_and_steve_took_their_sixyearold_son_to_the/
%
Roses are red

I want you to remember
You are the reason why i lost no-nut november

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xn77f/roses_are_red/
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What do you call the wife of a hippie?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xn70n/what_do_you_call_the_wife_of_a_hippie/
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3 T-Rex stumbled upon a Magic Lamp and began rubbing the Lamp, summoning a Genie.

Genie: “Alright, since I can only grant 3 wishes and there are 3 of you, each of you gets 1 wish each!”
The 3 T-Rex were excited to hear the news as they were starving all day. This was their chance to feast like the kings!
T-Rex #1: “Alright, my wish is to have one big ol’ juicy piece of meat, the finest you can grant!”
The genie then granted the first T-Rex’s wish and down came one big ol’ juicy piece of meat.
The first T-Rex then realized he missed his opportunity to ask for a multitude of meats so he had to settle on just one piece of meat.
The second T-Rex realized the mistake of the first T-Rex and with that in mind, he walked up to the Genie.
T-Rex #2: “Alright, my wish is to be showered in meat, as many as possible!”
The genie then granted the second T-Rex’s wish and down came not one, but a hundreds of pieces of meat.
The second T-Rex then realized his own mistake of not asking for the juiciest and finest pieces of meat, so the second T-Rex had to settle on average tasting meat.
The third T-Rex realized the mistake of the first two and formulated his wish accordingly.
The third T-Rex thought to himself, “there’s no way I could possibly mess up like the other two.”
The third T-Rex began walking up to the Genie to ask for his wish.
T-Rex #3: “Alright, my wish is to have a meatier shower!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xn6r9/3_trex_stumbled_upon_a_magic_lamp_and_began/
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I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xn6ky/i_asked_my_wife_to_dress_up_as_a_nurse_tonight/
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A blonde is pulled over for speeding.

Turns out the officer is also a blonde woman.
"Let's see your license"
"What's that?'
"The thing in your purse with your face on it"
The Blonde pulls out her compact mirror, looks at it, and hands it to the blonde policewoman.
The policewoman looks at it and says,
"I'm sorry, if i knew you were a cop I wouldn't have pulled you over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xn4lc/a_blonde_is_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it it’s probably s***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xn470/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
Two fish in a tank.

One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xn472/two_fish_in_a_tank/
%
Whats the cheapest type of meat you can buy?

Deer balls... they’re always under a buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xn3ff/whats_the_cheapest_type_of_meat_you_can_buy/
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How in the hell do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?

You ask him nicely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xn19f/how_in_the_hell_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
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A tough old cowboy from Texas

counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmzyf/a_tough_old_cowboy_from_texas/
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My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.

Its like I've never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmz77/my_girlfriend_changed_a_lot_after_she_became_vegan/
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Why do priests go to school?

...to practice what they preach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmwuh/why_do_priests_go_to_school/
%
Arthur was looking outside as the snow begin to fall,

and his wife, Martha, yelled from the other room "They said on the radio we need to park on the odd side of the street for the plows tonight!"
"Ok, I'll move the car then!" and he moved the car to the odd side of the street.
A few nights later another snow storm was due.  "Arthur, the man on the radio said we need to park on the even side of the street for the plows!".
"Ok, I'll move the car again!" and he moved the car to the even side of the street.
The next week another storm was already underway. Martha was listening to the radio when the power went out. "Arthur, the radio went out so I'm not sure where you should park the car tonight."
Arthur replied, "Well, I guess we will just have to leave it in the garage tonight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmw46/arthur_was_looking_outside_as_the_snow_begin_to/
%
Do you know what I love most about baseball?

The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmuuy/do_you_know_what_i_love_most_about_baseball/
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I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmue4/i_shot_my_first_thanksgiving_turkey_this_year/
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If Stevie Wonder ever gets into a car accidents

It will most likely be because he didn't check his blind spot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmr4w/if_stevie_wonder_ever_gets_into_a_car_accidents/
%
Two cowboys.

Two cowboys were talking and one asked the other, "What is your favorite sex position?"
"I don't know, said the other , What's yours?"
"I like the Rodeo position said the first guy."
"What's that? asked the second cowboy."
"Well, says the first guy, you get your girlfriend on all fours and mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts in your hands, then you say, "Wow, these feel just like your sister's." Then you just try to hang on for 8 seconds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmr04/two_cowboys/
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Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmq6u/why_was_the_antivaxxers_4_year_old_child_crying/
%
A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.

They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmlut/a_farmer_was_picking_apples_when_he_heard_a_noise/
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I'm positive I lost an electron bumping into that anode.

Isn't that ionic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmhbb/im_positive_i_lost_an_electron_bumping_into_that/
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Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium hooked up last night?

OMg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmh53/did_you_hear_that_oxygen_and_magnesium_hooked_up/
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I like my women like I like my pizza cheese

Greased up and extra thick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmgfd/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_pizza_cheese/
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I changed my iPods name to titanic

It’s syncing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xme90/i_changed_my_ipods_name_to_titanic/
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The bravest men and women in the world are military commandos.

Think about it: all that running, getting shot at, dangerous missions deep into enemy territory... and all while not wearing any underpants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmbd6/the_bravest_men_and_women_in_the_world_are/
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One mans trash is another mans treasure

A great saying. But a bad way to let your kids know they are adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xmb8m/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
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If all the people were like redditors we would have a much better planet.

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .
P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xm7ku/if_all_the_people_were_like_redditors_we_would/
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What do you call someone that's really into drainage systems?

A Connoi-sewer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xm3zs/what_do_you_call_someone_thats_really_into/
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If a black person calls you a whitey or a cracker just remember...

It's fine for them to say that, you can say things they never will be able too.
Like, "thanks for the warning officer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xm2h5/if_a_black_person_calls_you_a_whitey_or_a_cracker/
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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer….
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xm222/all_drugs_have_two_names_a_trade_name_and_generic/
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'A Tale of Two Cities' was originally serialized in two local papers in the British Midlands.

It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xluwl/a_tale_of_two_cities_was_originally_serialized_in/
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What do you call a deadly Jamaican rock?

A Diemond

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xluvq/what_do_you_call_a_deadly_jamaican_rock/
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What do you call a business owner that has a small dick?

Short-staffed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xltpt/what_do_you_call_a_business_owner_that_has_a/
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A mother was sitting with her three children, when one had a question.

A mother was sitting with her 2 girls and 1 boy. The first girl turns to her mother, and asks, with a soft, sweet voice and a smile, "Mom, why is my name violet?".
Her mother answers, "Well, dear when I was in hospital with you your father brought me a bouquet of violets, and when I was trying to think of a name, one of the petals fell and landed gently on your forehead, so I named you Violet"
The girl is very content with her answer, and goes back to her game.
The second girl is also curious, and poses the same question to her mother, "And what about me, Mother dearest?"
"Well, darling, when I was in hospital with you, your dad brought me roses, and strangely, the same thing happened! I took it as a sign and named you Rose!"
The girl beams at her mother, and goes back to playing with her sister.
Finally, the son is also taken by curiousity and asks "A..a..a.and MU...Muh..Mummy.... w..w.W.WhAt bOut m..m.mmeeeme!?!?"
"Not now, Brick. It's time for bed, run along!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xlt87/a_mother_was_sitting_with_her_three_children_when/
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I went to a hooker, and she kept telling me "small penis no problem, small penis no problem"

I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xll5w/i_went_to_a_hooker_and_she_kept_telling_me_small/
%
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
"Just don't tell Dad" she says.
Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."
Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xlkr5/little_johnny_was_told_by_his_friends_that_adults/
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How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xlk6x/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
A new scientific study claims that fertility is hereditary...

If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won't either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xljp7/a_new_scientific_study_claims_that_fertility_is/
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When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xljp6/when_i_was_a_child_i_remember_lying_in_bed_with/
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A surgeon, an engineer and a politician

started arguing about whose profession was first set up in the world.
Surgeon : " According to the Bible, Eve was made by carving a rib out of Adam. That makes my profession the oldest."
Engineer : " Even before  that the world was created out of chaos in six days. Nobody else would have done it except an Engineer."
Politician : " I accept what you two say. But who created the chaos ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xlis3/a_surgeon_an_engineer_and_a_politician/
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How many pornstars does it take to screw in Trump’s lightbulb?

We’re not sure.  A great number have been screwing, but the lightbulb has yet to come on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xle2p/how_many_pornstars_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "Bartender, I'd like an H2O."

The other has a whisky double, because he's sick of that guy's shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xlb7q/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar_one_says_bartender/
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If all the people were like redditors we would have a much better planet .

Because **Recycling** old shit is what Redditors do best .
P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xlad6/if_all_the_people_were_like_redditors_we_would/
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What sex position makes the ugliest babies?

Your mom didn't  warn you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xl68c/what_sex_position_makes_the_ugliest_babies/
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What does this joke and sex have in common?

You probably won't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xl1s0/what_does_this_joke_and_sex_have_in_common/
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Parents in 90's vs Parents now

90's Parents: My kid is gonna grow up soon, he will leave the house, drink alcohol, make new friends, have a lot of sex and will forget us!
Parents now: My kid is gonna grow up soon, he won't leave the house, won't have any friends, won't drink at all, not one will fuck him and he will keep bothering us for his problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xkz08/parents_in_90s_vs_parents_now/
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A girl realized that the area between her legs have grown some hair.

Worried, she quickly told her mother. Her mother calmly says "That thing where the hair grows is called monkey. And the growing hair is normal."
During dinner, the girl excitedly announced, "My monkey has started growing hair!". Her older sister boastfully said, "Heh, That's nothing. Mine started to eat bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xkxng/a_girl_realized_that_the_area_between_her_legs/
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What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?

A pizza can feed a family of four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xkws0/whats_the_difference_between_a_pizza_and_a/
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A Vampire walks upto a bar

and orders hot water. The bartender is surprised and says, "I thought vampires drank blood." The vampire pulls out two used tampons and says, "I'm just having tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xkw36/a_vampire_walks_upto_a_bar/
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In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter...

Let that sink in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xkubh/in_a_recent_poll_80_of_people_in_america_said/
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The Bulgarian Electrocution

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xkrqo/the_bulgarian_electrocution/
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My uncle is with the FBI

They caught him in Cleveland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xkqjl/my_uncle_is_with_the_fbi/
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A Master and his Apprentice

So, The Apprentice thinks he's ***better*** than His Master.
And he challenges This Master to a contest.
A ***painting*** contest. Paint the better painting.
They take a whole ***year*** to finish them.
And then they both show up in front of An Audience.
They’re outside, right? With a Crowd. And the two of them got their paintings.
And The Apprentice pulls back the ***curtain*** on his art.
And all it is, after a ***year*** of work, is just some ***grapes***.
Not even a lot. Like ***six*** or fewer. On a plate or something.
And The Apprentice is, like, standing ***proud***, chest out.
And The Audience is like, what? ***Grapes***? Nice grapes, yeah. But against ***The Master***?
He’s ***cracked*** or he’s ***insane*** or he just couldn’t do it.
And The Apprentice ignores ***that*** and just all calmly cool looks up at the sky.
And there’re some ***Birds*** there, right? Flying.
And they start flying ***toward*** the ***picture***.
And then these Birds start ***pecking*** at the picture.
Trying to ***eat*** the grapes. Because they’re so good, they’re ***so*** perfect.
To The Birds, it isn’t ***art***, it’s just ***what is***, and what’s better than what is?
And The Audience goes ***nuts***, cheering and huzzah-ing**!**
The Apprentice is ***bowing*** and ***smiling***. Pointing at The **Birds**.
He’s ***won***, he knows he’s won, and he turns to The Master, points at The Master’s painting.
And he says, ‘All right, not that there’s any need**...**
But let’s see what’s behind ***your*** curtain.’
And ***The Master*** says--
*****
‘“What Curtain?”’
*****
From *Mister Miracle* #9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xkpx0/a_master_and_his_apprentice/
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Two priests are out for a drive

, when suddenly they get pulled over by a cop.
"We are looking for two child molesters in the area" the officer says.
The two priests turn to each other and calmly and quietly discuss something for a few moments.
Finally, one of the priests turns to the officer and says: "Okay, we'll do it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xkpoc/two_priests_are_out_for_a_drive/
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Smoking will kill you, and Bacon will also kill you

But smoking bacon will cure it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xknsp/smoking_will_kill_you_and_bacon_will_also_kill_you/
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I used to work at the orange juice factory

I got canned because I couldn't concentrate :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xklx3/i_used_to_work_at_the_orange_juice_factory/
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(nsfw) A couple experimenting in the bedroom got into a bit of a tangle...

... it was complicated ass fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xkbk4/nsfw_a_couple_experimenting_in_the_bedroom_got/
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Change in women's requirements towards men by years.

10 years - prince with a castle
15 years - a rock star
20 years - beautiful, smart and rich boy
25 years - a smart and rich man
30 years - a man that cooks and cleans
35 years - a man
40 years - a cat
45 years - two cats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xkaq6/change_in_womens_requirements_towards_men_by_years/
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If I ever go to jail, I'm gonna change my name to Mitochondria.

That way, everyone will know that I'm the powerhouse of the cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xk8oq/if_i_ever_go_to_jail_im_gonna_change_my_name_to/
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I use to buy the lottery.

I use to do the lottery but then i heard the chances of getting hit by a car on the way to buy it are higher than the chances of winning. I don't know it that's true but it was enough for me to stop.
Now i send my mum to buy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xk7fd/i_use_to_buy_the_lottery/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Without someone else's dick in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xk70u/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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What do you call a friend who gets smarter as they drink?

\~Budweiser\~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xk4ee/what_do_you_call_a_friend_who_gets_smarter_as/
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I went to a strip club and when my new girlfriend found out she went mental.

How was I supposed to know she worked there as a bartender?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xk3h4/i_went_to_a_strip_club_and_when_my_new_girlfriend/
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What do you call a one-eyed cougar?

A Mountain L on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xk2vx/what_do_you_call_a_oneeyed_cougar/
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Why can't penguins play football?

Because theres snowball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xk072/why_cant_penguins_play_football/
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A wife returns from the salon, "Honey, I took your advice and got a new hair color, what do you think?"

Husband: I think you misunderstood what I meant when I said "it's time to diet".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xjvrm/a_wife_returns_from_the_salon_honey_i_took_your/
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What’s the prerequisite for becoming a kamikaze pilot?

A fear of ejection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xjt8g/whats_the_prerequisite_for_becoming_a_kamikaze/
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I thought about attending an orgy

But if I wanted to disappoint many people at once, I could just repost this joke on Reddit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xjrjc/i_thought_about_attending_an_orgy/
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A kiss makes your day

But anal sex makes your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xjm9b/a_kiss_makes_your_day/
%
Ate some Fiber One muffins...

That shit was great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xjix5/ate_some_fiber_one_muffins/
%
There's a lesbian couple I'm currently sleeping with that want to have a child.

They asked me to be the sperm donor because I have good genetics and they've known me a long time. We chose to do it the old fashioned way because it's easier. We've been trying for about 4 months now and I just don't have the heart to tell these nice ladies I had a vasectomy last summer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xji8v/theres_a_lesbian_couple_im_currently_sleeping/
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One time I saw a kid getting bullied by 4 kids, so I decided to step in..

He didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xji0a/one_time_i_saw_a_kid_getting_bullied_by_4_kids_so/
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You're riding a horse full speed. There's a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xjhpn/youre_riding_a_horse_full_speed_theres_a_giraffe/
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Whenever I'm in trouble I think "what would Jesus do?"

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xjgo1/whenever_im_in_trouble_i_think_what_would_jesus_do/
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How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to be ready to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xjfnw/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman.

If you want to be more successful, increase the number of women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xjcvo/behind_every_successful_man_there_is_a_woman/
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Said in my middle school science class. "Halophiles are a type of bacteria that can survive in the saltiest places on earth."

Student Response: Does that mean they can survive inside a Fortnite lobby?
I wanted to high five this student so hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xjb5b/said_in_my_middle_school_science_class_halophiles/
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95 year old to doctor.

Man - i need viagra.
Doc - this age. Why? What are your goals?
Man - just to ensure I don't pee on my own shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xjabv/95_year_old_to_doctor/
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A leper walks into a bar... (Don’t read at mealtime)

A leper walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him, then runs to the back to throw up.
The leper says “Hey, I know my appearance is a little...off putting. I can leave”
“No No,” the bartender replies. “It’s not you. Have another drink, on the house. “
The leper thanks him and takes his drink. The bartender then looks at him again, turns a little green, and runs to the back to throw up again.
When he returns, the leper says “Listen, I appreciate the hospitality, but I’ll just go. It’s obvious that I’m disturbing you.”
“No, it’s not you,” the bartender repeats, “please, have another drink on the house. I insist.”
Reluctantly, the leper accepts the drink. Again, the bartender runs to the back, and the sounds of violent dry heaving can be heard.
When the bartender returns, the leper says “Look, you’ve been very kind, but I don’t want to cause problems. I’m gonna go.”
“It’s not you,” the bartender insists.
“Well what is it then,” the leper asks.
“It’s the guy sitting next to you, using your back as dip.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xj4uj/a_leper_walks_into_a_bar_dont_read_at_mealtime/
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I set up a page for Chinese Nazis

It's got its Third Reich on Facebook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xj4ej/i_set_up_a_page_for_chinese_nazis/
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Interviewer: Why are you leaving your current organization?

Candidate: I have major religious differences at work!
Interviewer: What are those differences? Candidate:
My manager thinks he is God, I don't!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xj350/interviewer_why_are_you_leaving_your_current/
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Did you hear why Mike Tyson stopped ordering milkshakes?

They made him thick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xj1uf/did_you_hear_why_mike_tyson_stopped_ordering/
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I'm doing a book signing at the library tomorrow!

I haven't actually written anything yet, so just grab any book of the shelf and come by the table in the corner!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xj13e/im_doing_a_book_signing_at_the_library_tomorrow/
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A captain calls his assistant, "I've got a job for you but first, go to the toilet and jerk off."

The assistant did so and reported back to the captain.
Captain said, "Good. How do you feel?"
Assistant said, "I feel great sir".
Captain said," Good. Now, go back to the toilet and jerk off once more."
Assistant did so, this time a bit tired, reported back to the captain.
Captain said, "Good, now take my car keys and drop my daughter home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xivnz/a_captain_calls_his_assistant_ive_got_a_job_for/
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My wife is pissed off at me for throwing a snowball at my son.

I’m also permanently banned from the maternity ward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xiryu/my_wife_is_pissed_off_at_me_for_throwing_a/
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What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xirbg/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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How did the scarecrow win the award

He was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xin0f/how_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_award/
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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.

In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xilpa/a_farmer_quickly_purchased_land_in_a_low_lying/
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Florida voting recount has finally been completed.

Turns out the winner was actually Al Gore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xijpj/florida_voting_recount_has_finally_been_completed/
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What kind of flour do orphans use?

Self Raising

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xid70/what_kind_of_flour_do_orphans_use/
%
How did Mario contact his dead brother?

A Luigi board.
^(I'm so sorry.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xib09/how_did_mario_contact_his_dead_brother/
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"Am I the one starting the fires, father?"

You are, son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xia5w/am_i_the_one_starting_the_fires_father/
%
Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xi9hd/why_doesnt_oedipus_swear/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar

, the one deer turns to the other and says, “man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xi8he/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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The person who invented the USB drive is going to be lowered into his grave,

Then lifted back up, flipped over, and layed in again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xi7lq/the_person_who_invented_the_usb_drive_is_going_to/
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What's the difference between light and hard?

I can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xi788/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
Off the grid in the Canadian wilderness

A man moves off the grid out into the remote Canadian wilderness. He buys a place where his nearest neighbor is 6 miles away over rough terrain with no road. He enjoys all of nature's beauty and especially the solitude.
After about 9 months of not seeing another human being, dead in the middle of a rough Canadian winter, he begins to get a little lonely. Lo and behold, one evening there's a knock on his door.
Standing at the door was a Grizzly Adams look-a-like, except bigger and uglier. He extended his hand, saying "I'm John, but they call me Moose. I'd like to invite you to a party I'm having Saturday night at my place".
Well, the man is pretty pumped and introduced himself as Dave. "That's awesome-I HAVE been getting a little lonely over here", admitted Dave.
"Great", says John-"there's gonna be some dancin'".  So Dave says "I like dancing well enough, sounds good".  John says, "There's gonna be some fightin'". Dave pauses and says "Hmm, I'm not much on fighting if I don't have to". But he thought to himself that he would just avoid the fighting and focus on the dancing.
"And they gon' be some fuckin'" says John. Dave bursts out smiling, imagining himself with a woman for the first time in  a LONG time.  John turns to leave and Dave asks, "What should I wear?".
John looks back over his shoulder at Dave and says "It don't matter - ain't nobody gonna' be there but me and you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xi5tm/off_the_grid_in_the_canadian_wilderness/
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How do you milk sheep?

With iPhones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xhzz5/how_do_you_milk_sheep/
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Irony of Indian law system

I have two questions for the lawmakers of our country:
1. If the legal age of a Man to get Sexually active is 18 years and the legal age for him to get married is 21... then what are we actually suggesting he should do these 3 years?
2. Now if the legal age for a Man to get married is 21 years and the legal age for him to start drinking is 25 years... then how do you suggest he survives the first 4 years of marriage???
Any information will be appreciated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xhvsg/irony_of_indian_law_system/
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An electrician tells the engineer, “I wired everything exactly according to the drawing and I flip the switch and there’s no current.”

“Yes, I see the problem,”  The engineer responds.  “We just can’t draw any current.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xhs0g/an_electrician_tells_the_engineer_i_wired/
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One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.

He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xhrvm/one_day_a_man_was_waking_along_the_beach_when_he/
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I just found out that two of my exes are related

I knew that head felt familia..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xhqrs/i_just_found_out_that_two_of_my_exes_are_related/
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I resigned from my job at the Acme Helium factory.

I will not be spoken to in that tone ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xhqp0/i_resigned_from_my_job_at_the_acme_helium_factory/
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Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her  ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The  ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The  woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could  relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll  be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied He was in  obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands  together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally  allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the  side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xhpom/two_women_were_playing_golf/
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Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xhpex/who_is_the_most_popular_guy_at_the_nudist_colony/
%
Where does bad light end up?

In prism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xholc/where_does_bad_light_end_up/
%
In the mid-1200s, the Arabs found that women would not become pregnant if a sheep intestine was placed around the penis during sex.

When the practice came to Europe, it was immediately discovered that the intestine should first be removed from the sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xhocj/in_the_mid1200s_the_arabs_found_that_women_would/
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I love to cook with wine.

Sometimes I even put it in the food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xhlyr/i_love_to_cook_with_wine/
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Nothing is built in America these days...

I just bought a T.V. and it says “built in antenna”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xhlaf/nothing_is_built_in_america_these_days/
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A wise Chinese man once wrote: he who is standing on toilet ...

is high on pot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xhl4e/a_wise_chinese_man_once_wrote_he_who_is_standing/
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When someone says, "You are the last person on my list I would want to hurt!" there are two things to consider...

They already have a list and you are on it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xhg5g/when_someone_says_you_are_the_last_person_on_my/
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2 Guys are discussing different kinds of nuts

First guy asks his friend "what do you call Nuts on the wall?"
His mate replies "That's Easy, Walnuts!"
"Ok then, what do you call Nuts on your chest?"
Again the response is the same "That's Easy, Chestnuts!"
"Since you're so smart, what do you call Nuts on your chin?"
The friend thinks long and hard and actually appears stumped for a moment "Uhhhhh Chinnuts?"
"Nope, a mouthful of cock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xhak8/2_guys_are_discussing_different_kinds_of_nuts/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

it got so bad I finally had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xh5at/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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The Irish Catholics again.

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xh1aw/the_irish_catholics_again/
%
What makes an ISIS joke good?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xh0v2/what_makes_an_isis_joke_good/
%
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one

He's never gonna give you Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xgx67/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
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Ladies call my penis the Tardis

Cos its blue, boxy and makes them want to call the police

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xgx43/ladies_call_my_penis_the_tardis/
%
When the cannibals ate a missionary...

...they got a taste of religion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xgwig/when_the_cannibals_ate_a_missionary/
%
i saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM

i asked him what he was doing
he said:"oh, just checking my balance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xgszq/i_saw_a_guy_standing_on_one_leg_at_an_atm/
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The Koala and the Lizard (long)

One day, a tiny lizard was minding his own business while wandering through the forest. As he approaches the tallest tree in the forest a voice yells down, “Heyyy mannnn!!”. Confused, the lizard cranes his neck up and down, side to side until he spots a Koala sitting at the edge of a branch.
“Yes?” asks the Lizard.
The Koala responds, “Hey mannn.. I have ALL of this weed to smoke, but nobody to help me smoke it. Care to join me?”
The Lizard thinks for a moment and agrees. He climbs the tree all the up to the branch and settles in next to the Koala. As hours go by, joint after joint is passed back and forth. Eventually, the Lizard realizes just how high he is, turns to the Koala and says “I am so fucked up right now. I’ve got cotton mouth real bad. I’m gonna head down to the river and get a drink of water.”
“Okay, I’ll be right here when you get back.” says the Koala.
The lizard climbs off the branch, down the tree, walks back through the forest until he gets to the edge of the river. By the time he approaches the water, he’s so high that he loses his footing and falls in.
A nearby crocodile sees all of this happen. He swims over to the lizard, picks him up and drops him off safely on the shore.
“What were you thinking?” questions the Crocodile.
Lizard responds, “Thank you for saving me! I’m just so high right now. You see, I was minding my own business in the forest until I was invited up into a tree to smoke weed with a Koala until I got cotton mouth and needed a drink from the river but by the time I got down here I was too high and well..”
“Hold up! Hold up!” yells the Crocodile. “You mean to tell me there’s a Koala in that forest sitting up in a tree getting high right now?”
“Absolutely! Tallest tree in the forest. Go see for yourself!” says the Lizard.
So the Crocodile starts walking through the forest until he reaches the bottom of the largest tree. He looks up, spots the Koala and says “Hey YOU!”
The Koala takes another hit, looks down and says “FUUUUCK DUUUDE! How much water did you drink?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xgrzd/the_koala_and_the_lizard_long/
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There was 4 inches of snow on the ground,

and the road crews were out in full force. One guy driving a snowplow noticed a car following him no matter how many turns he made. After about 30 minutes he pulled over and asked the driver why she was following him. She said that her husband told her that if she ever got caught out in the snow to follow one of the plows that the roads would be clearer behind them.
the driver said, "that's good advice, well, I'm done with the Wal-mart parking lot. wanna follow me over to the Kroger?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xgq9u/there_was_4_inches_of_snow_on_the_ground/
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I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows a little too high this morning

she seemed surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xgp0n/i_told_my_wife_shed_painted_her_eyebrows_a_little/
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Why was Frosty the Snowman so happy?

He heard the snowblower coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xgoqe/why_was_frosty_the_snowman_so_happy/
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I went to my first kick boxing class tonight...

Hopefully, I'll be able to quit boxing for good this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xgjbd/i_went_to_my_first_kick_boxing_class_tonight/
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Why wouldn't the 2 tampons talk to each other?

Because they were stuck up bitches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xghct/why_wouldnt_the_2_tampons_talk_to_each_other/
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While everyone is arguing over whether it's called a snow blower or a snow thrower, I invented a way to turn a dishwasher into snow removal device.

...
I bought my wife a snow shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xghb2/while_everyone_is_arguing_over_whether_its_called/
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What do you get for stealing someone's heart?

Cardiac arrest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xg98s/what_do_you_get_for_stealing_someones_heart/
%
A man walks into a bar with 3 ducks under his arms...

He places each one on a stool, orders beers for each and himself, then heads to the toilet.
The bartender has seen it all, but figured he'd ask the duck's how they're doing. As he sets the beer in front of the first duck he asked his name, how he is and what he did today?
Duck responds: My name's Huey and I'm great because I've been outside playing in puddles all day!
Second duck responds: My name's Dewey and I'm great too because we've been outside playing in puddles all day!
He goes to the third duck and says, "I guess your name is Louie?"
Third duck says, "No, my name is puddles. Don't ask me about my f\*ckin' day!"
\* This is old and I didn't write it because I'm not THAT old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xg709/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_3_ducks_under_his_arms/
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks,

so I tried it.  It doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xg4as/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_falling_rocks/
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Some nurses notice that when they give a comatose woman a sponge bath, her heart monitor starts beeping more when they wipe between her legs.

Out of ways to bring this woman out of her coma, the nurses decided to ask her husband if he would consider oral sex with his wife to see if that would help bring her out of her coma.
He was initially hesitant, but they assured him that the curtains would be closed and no one would see. So, he decided that he would do it. The husband goes into the room, and the nurses gathered outside of the room with their eyes glued to the monitor, hoping something would come of it.
Suddenly, the heart monitor flatlines. The nurses are shocked.
The husband comes out of the room, and the nurses immediately ask him what happened.
He responds, "I think she choked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xg28z/some_nurses_notice_that_when_they_give_a_comatose/
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How is a hydrogen ion similar to North Korea?

They have no electrons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xg0nk/how_is_a_hydrogen_ion_similar_to_north_korea/
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What do you call a Hardcore porno filmed on a boat in the ocean?

Offshore Drilling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xfzbr/what_do_you_call_a_hardcore_porno_filmed_on_a/
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If I had a dollar for every gender there is

I'd have 2 dollars and lots of monopoly money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xfpi0/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender_there_is/
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Harper Lee made her own alcohol several decades ago, researchers found out it's called

Tequila Mockingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xfpfa/harper_lee_made_her_own_alcohol_several_decades/
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"The sun fell and died last night."

"Is the moon sad?"
"No! It isn't even mourning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xfogv/the_sun_fell_and_died_last_night/
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Vending machines are like arseholes

I got my arm stuck in one once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xfmq1/vending_machines_are_like_arseholes/
%
I knocked a guy off his bike....

I've since been banned from the gym for violent conduct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xflqd/i_knocked_a_guy_off_his_bike/
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My wife walked in on me

After my shower while I was blow drying my dick and balls and asked "What the hell are you doing?"
Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not the best answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xfhfa/my_wife_walked_in_on_me/
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Older forms of English kept Latin's gender-specific suffixes...

Older forms of English kept Latin's gender-specific suffixes tor and trix;  -tor is for men and -trix is for women.
So a male pilot is an aviator, a female pilot is an aviatrix. A male fighter is a gladiator, a female fighter is a gladiatrix.
This contrasts with the modern system, where tor is for both men and women, and trix are for kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xf7m8/older_forms_of_english_kept_latins_genderspecific/
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What's the most common tree in California?

Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xf7gd/whats_the_most_common_tree_in_california/
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My penis is in the Guinness book of world records...

until I was kicked out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xei0t/my_penis_is_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xec0c/i_hope_elon_musk_never_gets_involved_in_a_scandal/
%
Someone told this joke at my grandpa's funeral... Apparently it was his favorite.

A Chinese man went to eat at a breakfast house and noticed a white man flirting with the waitresses. He asks him "How are you so good with the ladies?"
The white man replies, "I'll show you. Just watch and learn."
The waitress comes back and the white man says while winking, "May I have some honey, *honey*?"
She giggles and nods, turning to the Chinese man who seemed to have understood what the other man did and tried it out for himself.
"May I have some bacon, PIG?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xeak5/someone_told_this_joke_at_my_grandpas_funeral/
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I like those comedy shorts you see on YouTube sometimes.

Or 'dwarves', if you want to be all politically correct about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xe89m/i_like_those_comedy_shorts_you_see_on_youtube/
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Have you heard about boomerangs?

They're making a comeback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xe60n/have_you_heard_about_boomerangs/
%
I have been to every brothel in Red Dead Redemption 2,

And I still can't find the legendary beaver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xe3cv/i_have_been_to_every_brothel_in_red_dead/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xe0g8/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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There's always this kid who gets everything right in class

One day, he gets another question from the teacher correct, yet *again*, and a girl nearby squeals "NERD!"
The teacher scolds her and tells her "You know, he could be your boss one day."
The kid responds, "Unlikely, I don't plan on being a pimp when I'm older."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xdzyp/theres_always_this_kid_who_gets_everything_right/
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Hitler may have been bad

But he did kill Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xdrcd/hitler_may_have_been_bad/
%
Good Day

My boss told me to have a good day...so I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xdk2b/good_day/
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What’s Denise’s brother’s name?

DeNephew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xdhj7/whats_denises_brothers_name/
%
Interesting Fact: A man invented the tampon

Let that soak in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xdh25/interesting_fact_a_man_invented_the_tampon/
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For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xd4en/for_anyone_attending_stan_lees_funeral/
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2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xd3xa/2018_is_shooting_past_so_fast_in_the_uk/
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I wouldn't want to be my own boss,

that guy's an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xd3si/i_wouldnt_want_to_be_my_own_boss/
%
Did you know that trampolines used to be called jumpolines?

And then your mom jumped on one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xcw62/did_you_know_that_trampolines_used_to_be_called/
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A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xcvsd/a_mans_wife_asks_him_to_go_to_the_store_to_buy/
%
Today's bad joke of the day

What do you call a group of LGBT Lions? A gay pride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xcuyu/todays_bad_joke_of_the_day/
%
George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.
'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll take their place. However, you can choose whose place you want to take.
'Oh, that sounds okay I guess' says Bush.
Satan leads him to the first room and opens the door. In this room, there's a huge swimming pool. In it, Reagan is drowning. He goes down, then up, then down, then up, and he's gasping for air all the while.
'Oh, no,' says Bush. 'That's not for me, I'm a poor swimmer.'
Satan opens the second door. The room is full of rocks and they see Nixon trying to break up the rocks with a wooden hammer.
'Nah, I have problems with my shoulders and my back, that'd be such a painful thing to do day after day.'
So Satan opens the third door. In the room, they see Clinton lying on the floor, all tied up. Monica Lewinsky is lying on top of Clinton, giving him a blowjob. Bush stares at the scene with a wide smile and says:
'Ah, that I could endure!'
'Alright,' laughs Satan. 'Monica, you're free to go!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xctqr/george_bush_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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What does a mathematical mermaid wear when she can't find her seashells?

An algebra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xcqla/what_does_a_mathematical_mermaid_wear_when_she/
%
A Muslims favourite meat ...

is lamb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xcmso/a_muslims_favourite_meat/
%
What do Disney and porn studios have in common?

They both hire adults who look like teenagers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xckor/what_do_disney_and_porn_studios_have_in_common/
%
Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome...

Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xcjvx/girl_asked_me_if_i_want_to_do_the_threesome/
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The son of a statistician was murdered.

The statistician vowed to one day approximate revenge.
(Edit: dead men do not make good avengers)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xchuh/the_son_of_a_statistician_was_murdered/
%
What did the sadist do to the masochist?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xchbe/what_did_the_sadist_do_to_the_masochist/
%
A man walks into a bar. He says, “Ouch!”

“What the hell, man?” the man shouts. “This is the third time this week I’ve walked into this damn bar!”
A woman passing by takes pity and pats him on the shoulder. “Of course you did, dear - this is Reddit.”
“...Someone really should have warned you about the re-posts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xch6d/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_he_says_ouch/
%
Guy walks into a bar

and sits down at the counter. The bowl of peanuts next to him says "Looking good today sir!" The guy turns to the bartender and says "Holy shit what's up with those peanuts?" The bartender says "They're complimentary!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xch3y/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Macron and Mohammed bin Salman meet for tea

Macron: "I collect jokes people post about me"
Bin Salman: "That's funny, I collect people who post jokes about me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xcfl0/macron_and_mohammed_bin_salman_meet_for_tea/
%
A man boards a plane one day accompanied by ten children.

The stewardess notices this, and naturally is cautious.
"Are these children all yours?" she asks the man.
" Hm? Oh no, these aren't mine. "
The stewardess is surprised at his response. "Why are they with you then, sir?"
He responds, "Oh, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xcexq/a_man_boards_a_plane_one_day_accompanied_by_ten/
%
What's a gravedigger's favorite element?

Barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xcdmm/whats_a_gravediggers_favorite_element/
%
Why are NSA agents great cab drivers?

Cause when you get in, they already know your name and address.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xcc7b/why_are_nsa_agents_great_cab_drivers/
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What do you call a Vietnamese themed restaurant that only serves Indian food in Chinese take out containers?

PhoCurry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xcbyu/what_do_you_call_a_vietnamese_themed_restaurant/
%
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw.

He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw". The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xcbvh/a_construction_worker_on_the_third_floor_of_a/
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xc91p/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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My favorite (old) joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xc8tk/my_favorite_old_joke_everyone_knows_dave/
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What does an insomniac, dyslexic agnostic do?

He stays awake at night and wonders if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xc8gx/what_does_an_insomniac_dyslexic_agnostic_do/
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What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xc8fz/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
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A husband wife go to the zoo.

They come across a gorilla. The man asks his wife to be a little flirty and blow a kiss to the gorilla. She does and the animal instantly gets excited, eyes wide open and stands up immediately. The wife likes it and so does the husband.
Then he asks her to be a little more daring and show the gorilla some leg. She lifts her skirt a little and shows it a peek of her fine legs. The gorilla is now charged. Jumping up and down. Making mating noises. It is clearly excited.
The husband and wife are both loving it and decide to take it up a notch. He asks her to flash a little cleavage. The wife thinks for a moment, but then goes ahead with it. When no one is watching, she pulls down her dress briefly and flashes to the gorilla. The animal has now gone crazy. Howling, beating chest, lunging on the cage bars, totally horny and turned on.
The husband suddenly picks up the wife and flings her across the bars and throws her into the gorillas cage and yells - NOW TELL HIM, NOT TONIGHT HONEY, I HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xc896/a_husband_wife_go_to_the_zoo/
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Given the terms: drum, meat, egg, blowjob which one doesn't fit?

Blowjob. You can beat a drum, beat an egg, beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xc7ye/given_the_terms_drum_meat_egg_blowjob_which_one/
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What's the one thing the nazis weren't allowed to wear?

Jewelry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xc654/whats_the_one_thing_the_nazis_werent_allowed_to/
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You better read The Holy Bible rather than reddit jokes

Said a Jehovah's Witness to me while handing the book over. I tossed it back and said,
"Repost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xc1yg/you_better_read_the_holy_bible_rather_than_reddit/
%
The Tortoise challenged the Hare

The Tortoise said “race you home!”
The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xc1o8/the_tortoise_challenged_the_hare/
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What do Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog's penis have in common?

Hogwarts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xbxzs/what_do_harry_potter_and_kermit_the_frogs_penis/
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Times are hard at the small office....

...and the manager needs to make a difficult decision to reduce headcount.
He has two employees in consideration; the first employee, Jack, has been with the firm for 20 years.  He's rock solid, is a top performer, and is a real team player.
The other employee was only recently hired: she's 28, blonde, stunningly beautiful, with buxom assets.  But she's not necessarily a great producer...
The manager dwells on the decision for a long time, then finally calls the blonde into his office.
"Listen" he says "I've got a difficult decision to make".
"I'm either going to have to lay you or Jack off".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xbxo3/times_are_hard_at_the_small_office/
%
Today I had my appointment with my psychiatrist

He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xbs3q/today_i_had_my_appointment_with_my_psychiatrist/
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The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."
The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t you smuggle me in your bushy tail to the lion's party?" The Fox: "Are you crazy, if the lion gets it right, then i´ll be dead."
Finally, the hamster asks the bear and he says, "No problem, I can smuggle you in my breast pocket."
When the bear visits the party in the evening, the lion asks him: "I've heard that the hamster wants to be smuggled in to my party, you probably will not support him, will you?"
The bear: "No, of course not!" The lion then says, "Then you certainly don´t mind emptying your breast pocket."
The bear answers: "Sure, no problem, here's my purse, here's my bowl, here's my ID." Suddenly the bear hits the chest with full force. "And here's a picture of the hamster."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xbrd7/the_lion_is_celebrating_a_party_all_animals_are/
%
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xbqm0/a_doctor_goes_out_and_buys_the_best_car_on_the/
%
What was the most unbelievable miracle that Jesus performed?

Having 12 close friends in his thirties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xbohl/what_was_the_most_unbelievable_miracle_that_jesus/
%
I managed to engrave a song into a vinyl disk in under 2 minutes!

I think that's a new record

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xbn8o/i_managed_to_engrave_a_song_into_a_vinyl_disk_in/
%
I thought I'd try Viagra

to see if I could benefit from them so I went to my local chemist thinking I may need a prescription.
"Can I get it over the counter?" I asked.
"Well", replied the young lady assistant, "You might if you take two".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xbla9/i_thought_id_try_viagra/
%
My best friend loved tractors...

He absolutley lived for them. But one day he fell off a tractor, broke his leg and never rode one again.
2 years later I had a night out with him and he invited me back to his house.  Upon arriving we noticed that his house was full of smoke!  To my suprise, he took in a deep breath and blew all the smoke out his house in one exhale.
"How the fuck did you do that?!"  I asked him
"I'm an extractor fan" he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xbdu3/my_best_friend_loved_tractors/
%
My friend had sex with his cousin on an elevator

That's wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xbd1b/my_friend_had_sex_with_his_cousin_on_an_elevator/
%
I’ve just been told I have xenophobia.

I bet I caught it off some damn foreigner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xbc87/ive_just_been_told_i_have_xenophobia/
%
What do you call a communist cat?

Meow Zedong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xbbxz/what_do_you_call_a_communist_cat/
%
Two families make a bet on who can be more american

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your shithole country, you fucking towel head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xb92p/two_families_make_a_bet_on_who_can_be_more/
%
I think my Wife is dead

The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xb5nd/i_think_my_wife_is_dead/
%
What's a sluts favorite TV channel?

BBC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xb0qb/whats_a_sluts_favorite_tv_channel/
%
Why are gay men so well dressed?

They didn’t spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xaw84/why_are_gay_men_so_well_dressed/
%
English man, French man and Italian man sat in a pub.

Discussing how to please their ladies. The Italian say I kiss my way down my darling's body and she floats off the bed. The French man says I use a feather to tickle her clitoris followed by tantalising licking and my love floats two feet in the air. The English man says I do her doggy and wipe my nob on the curtains and the missus hits the fucking roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xavzb/english_man_french_man_and_italian_man_sat_in_a/
%
Mr. T opened a Vietnamese restaurant.

I pity the pho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xapd1/mr_t_opened_a_vietnamese_restaurant/
%
An American tourist arrives in Rome....

...and takes a taxi to take a tour of the city.
Taxi driver takes him first in front of the Colosseum.
tourist: what is this?
taxi driver: this is the Colosseum
tourist: How long did it take to build it?
taxi driver: I do not know .... a few years ...
tourist: ah, in america we can build it in just one year!
Then the taxi driver takes the tourist in front of the Pantheon.
tourist: what is this?
taxi driver: this is the Pantheon
tourist: How long did it take to build it?
taxi driver: mmmm.... just one year!
tourist: ah, in america we can build it in just one month!
So taxi driver starts to get nervous but continues and takes the tourist in front of San Pietro in Vatican City.
tourist: what is this?
taxi driver: I do not know, yesterday was not there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xakm8/an_american_tourist_arrives_in_rome/
%
I went to the gym on my own accord this morning.

I mean why would I take some one else's car?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xahsi/i_went_to_the_gym_on_my_own_accord_this_morning/
%
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xa7dw/i_bought_a_porn_dvd_today_and_all_i_could_see_was/
%
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.
After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.
But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews.
The first guy was great.
He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.
At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.”
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman and she was even better than the first guy.
He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied, “Well, you have no ears.”
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three.
It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college.
He was smart.
He was handsome.
And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.
Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
And to his surprise, the young man answered, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
Merv was shocked and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xa5uq/merv_was_in_a_terrible_accident_at_work_he_fell/
%
What do you call a child violinist?

A kiddy fiddler
(I’m so sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xa5kn/what_do_you_call_a_child_violinist/
%
After 20 years of marriage, I've now become bi-sexual...

I get sex twice a year...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xa4yb/after_20_years_of_marriage_ive_now_become_bisexual/
%
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A  few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my  baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xa4sp/a_woman_is_having_an_affair_during_the_day_while/
%
How did the bag of fertilizer help the vegetable farmer pay his mortgage?

It raised his celery...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xa14a/how_did_the_bag_of_fertilizer_help_the_vegetable/
%
Ever remember a joke but not where you heard it?

No problem. Just post it here and someone in the comments will give you the entire history of every time it was every made over the past 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9xa0f9/ever_remember_a_joke_but_not_where_you_heard_it/
%
What do you call an actor preparing for a role as a drug addict?

A meth-head actor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x9w64/what_do_you_call_an_actor_preparing_for_a_role_as/
%
Three college girls went to a sushi restaurant

After having a few drinks, the first girl said "I just ate 3 dozens of fish" after eating a fish egg sushi.
The girl beside her heard it and responded "That would mean I ate three to four chickens" while staring at her remaining Tamagoyaki (Japanese egg roll).
The third girl burped and said, "Are you saying I ate millions of humans last night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x9unz/three_college_girls_went_to_a_sushi_restaurant/
%
Stalin asked Hitler if he wants to hear a joke.

Hitler says "Yes."
Stalin then says "Moscow."
Hitler replies with "I don't get it?"
Stalin laughs and says "And you never will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x9ndx/stalin_asked_hitler_if_he_wants_to_hear_a_joke/
%
Uh.. Lousy Manager..

A Project Manager is floating about 30 ft off the ground in a balloon.
He spots a man on the ground and calls out.
Man in Balloon: "Where am I?"
Man of Ground: "You're 30 ft off the ground in a balloon."
Man in Balloon: "You must be a programmer"
Man of Ground: "How did you know?"
Man in Balloon: "All the information you've given me is accurate but completely useless."
Man of Ground: "You must be a project manager."
Man in Balloon: How did you know?
Man of Ground: "You don't know where you are, you don't know how to get where you're going, and somehow it's become my fault"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x9llk/uh_lousy_manager/
%
What cord impresses the priests the most?

B minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x9kql/what_cord_impresses_the_priests_the_most/
%
Three young sons left native home, went out on their own and prospered......!

Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our beloved mother."
The second said, "I sent her a marvelous & attractive Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Holy Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Holy Bible. It took elders in the Church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Dear Charles ," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"
"Dear Nicholas," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."
"Dearest William," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x9ebu/three_young_sons_left_native_home_went_out_on/
%
Why are Kamikaze pilots so easy to train?

They only need to learn how to take off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x9cr4/why_are_kamikaze_pilots_so_easy_to_train/
%
I rang my boss last night...

I asked "What's the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?"
I'm not coming in tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x9b8c/i_rang_my_boss_last_night/
%
Dad jokes of reddit..

Dad at breakfast: I’ll have bacon and eggs, please
Waiter: How do you like your eggs?
Dad: I don’t know, I haven’t gotten them yet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x9adf/dad_jokes_of_reddit/
%
You can actually nut during November.

You just can’t have anyone cashew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x90is/you_can_actually_nut_during_november/
%
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x8zdx/i_was_sitting_on_a_bus_with_a_friend_and_he_told/
%
How much does a Male to Female sex reassignment surgery cost?

About a third of your salary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x8r0q/how_much_does_a_male_to_female_sex_reassignment/
%
I accidently walked in on my parents during sex.

That was the most akward 45 minutes of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x89fi/i_accidently_walked_in_on_my_parents_during_sex/
%
Whats the same about tornados and divorce in the south?

Both situations someone is losing a trailer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x898m/whats_the_same_about_tornados_and_divorce_in_the/
%
What do the FBI and MS Paint have in common?

They don't support transparency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x87pc/what_do_the_fbi_and_ms_paint_have_in_common/
%
what did the big flower say to the little flower?

Oh hi Bud!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x86dn/what_did_the_big_flower_say_to_the_little_flower/
%
What did the cockroach say to the man that was about to kill him?

Your just jealous that I can make your wife scream louder than you can!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x85g3/what_did_the_cockroach_say_to_the_man_that_was/
%
What's the difference between a good joke

and a bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x82lq/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke/
%
How many bribes does it take to kill a politician?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x81vd/how_many_bribes_does_it_take_to_kill_a_politician/
%
I knew this girl who didn't really understand the concept of the "V-Card"

I guess she thought it was an actual, physical card given to everyone at birth. And I guess she didn't understand why she didn't have one. So whenever someone would ask about it, she'd say
"I lost mine when I was too young to remember."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x81ti/i_knew_this_girl_who_didnt_really_understand_the/
%
My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat, but my friend told me that they are really expensive...

So I bought two normal cats and glued their heads together...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x80ts/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_buy_her_a_siamese_cat/
%
My computer decided to replace all my icons to this weird yellow bubble with headphones...

The Audacity...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x7xlw/my_computer_decided_to_replace_all_my_icons_to/
%
I’ve been thinking about moving to California

I heard the housing market’s on fire right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x7vfx/ive_been_thinking_about_moving_to_california/
%
What do you call a white girl with a yeast infection?

A cracker with cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x7vav/what_do_you_call_a_white_girl_with_a_yeast/
%
People hate me for buying a record player...

But I think it was a sound investment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x7u1b/people_hate_me_for_buying_a_record_player/
%
Guy gets pulled over for speeding.

A guy is driving down the road, and right after he crosses over a bridge, there is a state trooper parked behind some bushes. The guy gets pulled over.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" says the Cop.
"Yeah, I was speeding." Says the guy, "But I have a good reason, I swear."
"oh?" says the cop, expecting some of the usual nonsence.
"Yeah, see, I'm an asshole stretching proctologist and I'm late for an appointment." says the guy.
"What?" says the Cop, confused.
"I stretch assholes." says the guy, "first I just stretch it out to about two inches, just using my fingers, but then I have a special device that stretches out the asshole to about a foot wide."
"Are you serious?" asks the Cop.
"Yeah," says the guy. "But I wasn't finished. After I've stretched the asshole out to a foot, I have a kind of crank and pully system that stretches it out to about three feet wide."
"Listen, I..." the Cop starts, but the guy cuts him off.
"Oh I'm not done! After I have stretched the asshole out to three feet, I apply a special cream and massage the asshole until it is almost six feet wide!"
"That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard." says the Cop. "What do you even do with a six foot asshole?"
The guys replies, "You stick him at the end of a bridge with a radar gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x7t9b/guy_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
A man goes out with his friends for the night.

Before he leaves he tells his wife, "I promise I will be home by midnight."
Midnight comes and goes. He finally arrives home at about 3 AM. As he walks in he realizes the cuckoo clock is about to go off. As it begins to go off he has a flash of genius and decides to coo another 9 times. He sneaks in to bed satisfied with himself.
The next morning he wakes up and his wife has breakfast made. She doesn't seem to be mad. Satisfied with himself he asks her, "You sleep okay last night?"
She replies, "Yeah, but we need a cuckoo clock."
He asks her why and she tells him, "Last night it cooed 3 times. Then it yelled, 'Crap!' It cooed another 6 times and giggled a little bit. Finally it cooed 3 more times, farted, and tripped on the carpet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x7rbu/a_man_goes_out_with_his_friends_for_the_night/
%
Two S.S. officers are on watch...

One sneezes.
The other says "What? Where?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x7q5k/two_ss_officers_are_on_watch/
%
My short lived lawsuit against the airport baggage claim was thrown out

They made another brief case disappear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x7ofw/my_short_lived_lawsuit_against_the_airport/
%
I was going to post a joke about time travel...

But you guys didn't seem to like it very much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x7oaf/i_was_going_to_post_a_joke_about_time_travel/
%
Why aren't people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.

Because of the telly ban

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x7hrd/why_arent_people_in_the_afghanistan_allowed_to/
%
It ain't right

If you go by the pound to pick up a rescue dog you are treated like a big hero, but go by the women's shelter to find your next girlfriend and...……...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x7h2u/it_aint_right/
%
What do you call a Jamaican murder weapon

A blunt object

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x7c6t/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_murder_weapon/
%
Late one night, a man was speeding down a road

A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x79y2/late_one_night_a_man_was_speeding_down_a_road/
%
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x78w8/i_went_to_my_backyard_and_saw_a_bird_of_prey/
%
4D movies were getting great reviews for a while.

First, you could get sprayed with water during Life of Pi. Then, your seat would shake during Paranormal Activity.
Sadly, 4D didn't work so well with The Dark Knight Rises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x784u/4d_movies_were_getting_great_reviews_for_a_while/
%
So it's that time of the month,

And my wife says to me: "Correct me if I'm wrong, but cramping is your uterus shedding its lining, right?"
Laying on the couch in pain, I reply: "Yes, it's the muscles literally cramping to break up the lining and pass it... It's a weird flex but it's okay."
She's not happy with me right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x77u4/so_its_that_time_of_the_month/
%
A college girl brings her new beau home to meet the family

Her father takes him aside for a chat,
"You seem like a nice enough fellow young man, what do you study?'
"I'm a theology major sir." Answers the young man.
"I see,If you dont mind my asking, where will you live with my little girl after you get married?"
"God will provide."
"What will you do for a living? How are you going to earn enough to put food on the table?"
"God will provide"
At the end of the evening, the girl goes up to her father and says " Daddy,I really like him,what do you think?"
The father responds,"He seems like a nice enough fellow,but he seems to think I'm god."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x76ef/a_college_girl_brings_her_new_beau_home_to_meet/
%
What's red and crabby?

My genitals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x73i1/whats_red_and_crabby/
%
Thanksgiving is a lot like an orgy

I get to disappoint a lot of people at once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x6z9d/thanksgiving_is_a_lot_like_an_orgy/
%
A communist is explaining to a man how communism works.

The man says, “You’re saying if you had two houses you’d share them out and give one away?”
“Yeah.”
“And if you had two cars you’d give one away?”
“Yup.”
“And if you had two coats you’d give one away?”
“....no..”
“Why not?”
“Because I HAVE two coats.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x6n10/a_communist_is_explaining_to_a_man_how_communism/
%
An American and a Frenchman are sitting in a bar having drinks.

After a short while they start arguing about which country is better.
The American says, “If it wasn’t for us, you’d be speakin’ German!”
The Frenchman takes a drink and replies, “And if it weren’t for us, you’d be speaking English.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x6lnf/an_american_and_a_frenchman_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
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I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “
Gas, water and electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x6hn6/i_told_my_boss_that_three_companies_were_after_me/
%
When you sneeze and fart at the same time

Your body takes a screenshot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x6hm4/when_you_sneeze_and_fart_at_the_same_time/
%
What has 6.022 x 10^23 molecules and makes a great breakfast?

Avogadro toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x6hjj/what_has_6022_x_1023_molecules_and_makes_a_great/
%
The problem with kleptomaniacs

is that they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x6cud/the_problem_with_kleptomaniacs/
%
A man is leading a boy into the woods one night

Boy: Mister, it's getting dark out, I'm scared
Man: How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x64re/a_man_is_leading_a_boy_into_the_woods_one_night/
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When I told my date I was raised Catholic, she asked me right away whether I was molested as a child.

I’m still butt hurt about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x62p7/when_i_told_my_date_i_was_raised_catholic_she/
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What famous European city is in the middle of Czechoslovakia?

Oslo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x5zyu/what_famous_european_city_is_in_the_middle_of/
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Some people hate geology jokes,

but I think they're pretty gneiss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x5z7m/some_people_hate_geology_jokes/
%
Larry the Fighter Pilot

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this outrageous response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Larry's whore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x5vy7/larry_the_fighter_pilot/
%
Why did the blind man fall into a well?

He just couldn’t see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x5t24/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_a_well/
%
My girlfriend says she’s sick of me treating her like a child...

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x5p59/my_girlfriend_says_shes_sick_of_me_treating_her/
%
If I was a vampire I would have to avoid blood type B-.

It brings me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x5oz8/if_i_was_a_vampire_i_would_have_to_avoid_blood/
%
What starts with G, ends with Y, and is something you really wouldn't want your son to be?

Grumpy, you homophobic fucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x5ndq/what_starts_with_g_ends_with_y_and_is_something/
%
Jokes are like women.

The good ones have been done many times before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x5mn1/jokes_are_like_women/
%
Whats worse than finding a hole in your condom?

Finding a condom in your hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x5img/whats_worse_than_finding_a_hole_in_your_condom/
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Dave and bob

Dave and Bob are two friends who enjoy DIY but lack common sense(I've heard this told with Irishmen, blondes etc. But let's keep controversy down ).
Dave is painting and Bob is nailing in some skirting boards to the wall.
Bob will take a nail out of the box, sometimes throw it away, and sometimes hammer it in .
"Why are you doing that Bob?", Dave asks . "Because they're pointing the wrong way , they're broken " Bob replies .
"You idiot." says Dave
" those ones are for the other side of the house"
(Hope it's not a common repost, it's one I've heard from my uncle a while ago, and it stills gets a chuckle)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x5ilq/dave_and_bob/
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How do you detect clickbait?

Not like this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x5dp2/how_do_you_detect_clickbait/
%
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank the Supreme Leader I live in North Korea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x5a7p/call_me_a_racist_if_you_want_but_south_of_the/
%
Man goes to see a psychologist

Dr: “what brought you in today?”
Man: “I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam”
Dr: “sir you need to calm down, you’re two tents”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x5a3w/man_goes_to_see_a_psychologist/
%
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell down a cliff

Bah-dum tssssssssssssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x578g/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fell_down_a_cliff/
%
What's the difference between the clitoris and a can of Bud Light?

The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x53pm/whats_the_difference_between_the_clitoris_and_a/
%
What's the difference between Pepsi and coke?

I don't like putting Pepsi in my coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x51on/whats_the_difference_between_pepsi_and_coke/
%
My school is putting on a play called The Nutcracker.

Good thing it shows on December 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4zk6/my_school_is_putting_on_a_play_called_the/
%
Patient: Doc, I'd give my left nut to fix my knee

Doc: So you are asking for a ball joint?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4ymp/patient_doc_id_give_my_left_nut_to_fix_my_knee/
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What's the best thing that ever happened to George W. Bush's presidency?

Donald Trump's election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4x5k/whats_the_best_thing_that_ever_happened_to_george/
%
Donald Trump walks into a Bar

...
And lowers it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4wo2/donald_trump_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Essential oils are bullshit.

I've drank three bottles and now I have a headache AND diarrhea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4wmk/essential_oils_are_bullshit/
%
To all the mathematicians who came up with the concept of zero..

Now they've got a number to put on how many sexual encounters I've had.
Thanks for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4vjx/to_all_the_mathematicians_who_came_up_with_the/
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A rabbi and a priest rush out of a flaming orphanage

As they run out, they hear some orphans screaming.
"Should we go save the children?" the priest yells.
"Fuck the children!" the rabbi replies.
"Do we have time?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4tt9/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_rush_out_of_a_flaming/
%
Why did the boxer take a step forward?

To get to the punch line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4t6n/why_did_the_boxer_take_a_step_forward/
%
Whats a frogs favourite drug ?

Croakaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4sa1/whats_a_frogs_favourite_drug/
%
It would be awesome if they made a DareDevil VR game

I can’t see it though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4s4m/it_would_be_awesome_if_they_made_a_daredevil_vr/
%
A team of black inmates play basketball against a team of white inmates in prison. The black inmates win. Why?

Home court advantage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4rrq/a_team_of_black_inmates_play_basketball_against_a/
%
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4rep/i_asked_my_wife_to_describe_me_in_5_words/
%
My last girlfriend was a lot like a microwave burrito

Smoking hot on the outside
Ice cold on the inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4pkd/my_last_girlfriend_was_a_lot_like_a_microwave/
%
Why do motorcycles fall over when they arent moving?

Because they're two-tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4i6g/why_do_motorcycles_fall_over_when_they_arent/
%
A wife asked her husband "dear, do you prefer a pretty woman or an intelligent woman?"

The husband then replied, "None of them, my love, I prefer you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4f6a/a_wife_asked_her_husband_dear_do_you_prefer_a/
%
What does a man with a 12 inch penis have for breakfast?

Today I had bacon, eggs, and coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4bp9/what_does_a_man_with_a_12_inch_penis_have_for/
%
I'm so tired of racial stereotypes. Not every Arab makes bombs...

Some of them make Slurpees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4bk7/im_so_tired_of_racial_stereotypes_not_every_arab/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x49fv/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
A bear is celebrating his birthday

He invites every animal in the forest. He made a rule for gifts :" who will not give me a good gift, will get punished and beaten with my dick on his back".
So the party has started.
The first one, who gave him a gift was a fox.
Fox had a tv for the gift and the bear was happy and said :"thank you fox for this good gift, go amuse yourself at my party.
The second one comes the wolf. He had a Playstation and the bear was happy, he won't beat him, and told him to go have fun.
The third one was a rabbit. He was giving the bear his gift, a carrot. The bear said: " you know rabbit, that there was an agreement. If you don't give me a good gift, you will be punished and beaten with my dick".
The rabbit was silent and accepted his fate.
The bear pulls out his dick and starts beating the rabbit on his back. The rabbit cried a lot, but after some moments, he starts laughing.
The bear was confused and starts beating him more and faster, but the rabbit is still laughing, so the bear gave all his strength to beat the rabbit, but he won't stop laughing.
The bear was full of rage and eventually asked the rabbit:"what is so funny?"
The rabbit answered:"nothing, i just saw a hedgehog with an apple".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x487k/a_bear_is_celebrating_his_birthday/
%
You know what's a pain in the ass?

Hemerrhoids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x485h/you_know_whats_a_pain_in_the_ass/
%
Why was the ghost arrested?

Possession

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x42dm/why_was_the_ghost_arrested/
%
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x41d0/i_couldnt_figure_out_why_the_baseball_kept/
%
Yesterday i got kicked out of the library

They said that the fiction section wasn't fitting for a book about women's rights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x4064/yesterday_i_got_kicked_out_of_the_library/
%
How can you tell your roommate is gay?

His cock tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x3xk7/how_can_you_tell_your_roommate_is_gay/
%
A woman is driving late at night on a back road when she suddenly sees a hitchhiker wave her over...

The woman stops and let's the man in.
The hitchhiker says, "Wow! I'm really surprised you stopped for me! I could be a serial killer for all you know."
The woman giggles and says, "Nah, I figured you were probably an alright guy. After all, what are the chances of two serial killers ending up in the same car?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x3w8u/a_woman_is_driving_late_at_night_on_a_back_road/
%
Why does Santa have a big sack?

Because he only cums once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x3vwv/why_does_santa_have_a_big_sack/
%
A professor is sent to jungle to live with a primitive tribe.

He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, maths and science.
One day the wife of the tribe"s chief gives birth to a white child.
The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You"re the only white man we"ve ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn"t take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You"re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in our country call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don"t say anything more about that sheep and I won"t say fuck all more about that white child."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x3td8/a_professor_is_sent_to_jungle_to_live_with_a/
%
Little Johnny is in 1st grade, but extremely smart.

One day his friend asks him how he’s so clever.
Little Johnny answers: Simple, I use association.
During this, their teacher is listening and thinks this is a big word for a first grader so the teacher decided to test him.
Teacher: Johnny I heard you telling your friend about association, can I ask you a question and you explain how you do this?
Johnny replied: Sure!
Teacher: What colour are the wheels on a fire truck ?
Johnny thinks and thinks for about 3mins, then replies: Oh that’s easy, it’s red.
Here’s how I got to it.
A fire truck has 6 wheels.
6 times 2 is 12.
12 made me think of a dozen, a dozen made me think of eggs, eggs makes me think of a hen and a hen makes me think of a rooster.
There’s a rooster on the church tower. The church tower is high, opposite of high is deep.
Deep in the ocean there are fish. Fish have fins and in 1827 the Finnish attacked the Philistines and their flag was red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x3rm7/little_johnny_is_in_1st_grade_but_extremely_smart/
%
Okay, so uh... This happened yesterday.

So I went to a pet store with a friend (he has a snake) and he just went to the cashier(we both know her-- her name is Hunnmi and she's this sweet Asian lady. We call her Hun for short.) and asked "Hey there you got any bunnies? I wanna feed 'em to my pet snake"
The cashier looked shocked and asked "Are you out of your mind?! No, we won't just sell you bunnies! That would be worse than giving them an euthanasia!"
He sighed, rubbed his forehead and said(angrily) "Look, okay, we've had this talk before. No one will know what I'm buying bunnies for, okay? So, just give me one or two."
Hunnmi replied "No! We have other kinds of food for snakes, but I won't just... Sell you bunnies to feed your snake with! We have many things in our store, so just take a look aro-"
He shouted "My anaconda don't want nun unless you got buns, Hun!" and left
On a scale from 1 to 1000, how bad was my joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x3oz4/okay_so_uh_this_happened_yesterday/
%
Why is Thanos so healthy?

His meal is perfectly balanced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x3o9i/why_is_thanos_so_healthy/
%
Kept having my Amazon packages stolen off my porch ordered a security cam to deter/catch the culprit.

That package was stolen too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x3kzq/kept_having_my_amazon_packages_stolen_off_my/
%
On a normal afternoon, in anytown, USA...

A woman went to the jewelry store and bought a very expensive diamond necklace.  As soon as it was paid for and fastened around her neck, she felt paranoid, like she was being watched.
She was right.  As she was getting into her car, she saw a blinding light and collapsed to the ground, as a thug hit her across the back of her head with a brick.  She didn't completely lose consciousness, and she kept waiting for the next blow, a gunshot, or someone to rip her new necklace from around her neck.
That never happened though, but she heard the sounds of fighting and yelling. She blinked and saw a passerby on his phone, describing the scene to who she assumed was 911.
She looked in the direction of all the commotion, and came to the conclusion that she must have been in worse shape than she thought, as she couldn't believe what she was seeing.  There were *four* people who had been trying to rob her, but instead, they wear all fighting this...well...midget, to be politically incorrect.  But this guy was amazing - he looked every bit the hero.  Tight spandex outfit (had he just come from the gym?), Muscles rippling everywhere, even topped off the look with long flowing hair.  The victim stared in amazement as her hero moved deftly, struck with amazing strength, and eventually incapacitated all 4 of the villains that had ruined her day - the mystery rescuer took quite a beating at first - he *was* outnumbered 4 to 1, plus there was the size difference - but he managed to leave all 4 of the bad guys groaning and slumped against a fence when the police showed up (of course) just as he finished.
Meanwhile our victim was being tended to by the citizen who had called the police.  She asked, "where did he come from?  I didn't see him before they knocked me down, but then instead of me getting killed or robbed, he's defending and saving me". The bystander said he saw her get hit, then the fight, but he had no idea where the guy came from or who he was.
The medics tended to the victim while the cops rounded up the would-be robbers and spoke with the manager who had beat them all to a pulp.  After talking for a bit, one of the cops asked him point blank, "so who are you?  Can we get your name for the report?". Another nearby officer interrupted, "Hey, hey, calm down.  He got smacked around a lot too - the second ambulance just pulled up and he probably needs to get checked out - looks like that black eye really hurts."
The mystery superhero turned to both the officers and answered, "well I have to admit, I'm a little Thor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x3krh/on_a_normal_afternoon_in_anytown_usa/
%
Why don't midgets get hangovers?

Because they're just a little drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x3jck/why_dont_midgets_get_hangovers/
%
An 18 y/o Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Worried, her mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying. The mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x3ins/an_18_yo_italian_girl_tells_her_mom_that_she_has/
%
Mickey wants to divorce Minnie.

The judge looked at the papers in confusion.
"So Mr. Mouse, You want to Divorce your wife because she's really silly?"
Mickey got angry and yelled out "No, She's Fucking Goofy!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x3bhy/mickey_wants_to_divorce_minnie/
%
I asked a robot how he sees the world

And he just rolled his eyes at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x37n7/i_asked_a_robot_how_he_sees_the_world/
%
What should you be grateful for when a bird shits on your head?

That cows don’t have wings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x31zj/what_should_you_be_grateful_for_when_a_bird_shits/
%
A redneck is in his trailer park bragging to his friends about his recent trip to New York.

He says, "I was walkin' down the street, and saw this place called a sex shop. I was curious so I went in and the place was loaded with rubber women!"
One of the redneck women speaks up. "Did they have rubber dudes?"
The country bumpkin thinks for a moment, then says "Ya know, I ain't too sure bout rubber dudes, maybe they sold out. But I tell ya, there were a lotta spare parts for 'em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x30cy/a_redneck_is_in_his_trailer_park_bragging_to_his/
%
[NSFW] A new intern is accompanying an experienced physician on rounds at the Clinic For Sexual Dysfunction.

As they look into the first room, the patient is furiously masturbating and looks very uncomfortable.
The intern asks, what’s wrong with that poor guy?
The doctor replies, “He suffers from extreme semen backup disorder.  If he doesn’t ejaculate every three hours, he could die.”
They move on to the next room, where they see a patient receiving a sensual blowjob from an absolute knockout of a woman.
“Woah.  What does that guy have?” the intern asks.
The doctor replies:
“Same disease.  Better insurance.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x2ylx/nsfw_a_new_intern_is_accompanying_an_experienced/
%
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they're just fine - they're just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers "The teeth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x2xbk/an_elderly_couple_walk_into_a_fast_food_restaurant/
%
What is the police officer's favorite sweater?

Pullover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x2wyg/what_is_the_police_officers_favorite_sweater/
%
What do vegan zombies eat?

Grains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x2wrp/what_do_vegan_zombies_eat/
%
Duck at a construction site

A duck is working at a construction site as a brick mason.
After work one day the duck decides to walk over to the bar.
He sits down at the bar, turns to the bartender and says, “I’ll have a rum and coke.”
The bartender exclaims, “Woah a talking duck!”
“Yeah, what about it,” replies the duck
“You should join the circus or something,” says the bartender.
The duck replies, “What the fuck would a circus do with a brick mason.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x2urx/duck_at_a_construction_site/
%
All I want for christmas is you

Tube without ads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x2tuv/all_i_want_for_christmas_is_you/
%
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

Bartender says, olive or twist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x2sc5/charles_dickens_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a/
%
Donald J. Trump walks into a bar...

and lowers it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x2p5y/donald_j_trump_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a man that calculates how many prostitutes are needed in each city?

Horatio!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x2mwi/what_do_you_call_a_man_that_calculates_how_many/
%
Noble gas jokes are rubbish

I never get a reaction from them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x2jxk/noble_gas_jokes_are_rubbish/
%
A mystic dwarf escaped from prison

The call goes out "There's a small medium at large"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x2hap/a_mystic_dwarf_escaped_from_prison/
%
Dreamed about mufflers last night...

It was exhausting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x28ow/dreamed_about_mufflers_last_night/
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a kinda fucked somewhat joke

my first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike, my dad was holding me from behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x24s8/a_kinda_fucked_somewhat_joke/
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Have you heard what Adam’s middle name is?

Subtractam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x24bv/have_you_heard_what_adams_middle_name_is/
%
I used to be a Christian

Woman: I used to be Christian.
Man: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.
Woman: Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1y0k/i_used_to_be_a_christian/
%
THE salesman story.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1w4y/the_salesman_story/
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In another news, a terrorist attack has blown away two houses, One made of straws and one made of wood.

Police believe that the suspect is a lone wolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1tmd/in_another_news_a_terrorist_attack_has_blown_away/
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What did the horse say when it fell down?

“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1t98/what_did_the_horse_say_when_it_fell_down/
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Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1snr/thanos_finger_snap_would_have_a_greater_impact_if/
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[nsfw] Lately I started asking my German girlfriend to rate our sex from 1 to 10, she was really excited about anal sex!

She kept screaming NINE NINE NINE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1qb6/nsfw_lately_i_started_asking_my_german_girlfriend/
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My penis is like a joke on reddit..

People seeing it for the first time usually laugh.
And those who have seen it before get mad that they’re seeing it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1mss/my_penis_is_like_a_joke_on_reddit/
%
The mental hospital is having the yearly inspection.

The general manager walks with the inspector on the courtyard while telling him about how the new garden creates a quiet and safe space for the patients.
On the distance they see an disheveled old man dragging a toothbrush over the grass, tied with a piece of dental floss.
"What's ailing that poor man?" asks the inspector.
"Oh, he just thinks the toothbrush is the dog he lost in his youth. He's stable but we don't expect any progress in the foreseeable future."
"Let's talk to the man," says the inspector while approaching him.
"Excuse me, my good sir. Are you treated well in this institution?"
"Why yes! Replies the patient with a wide smile. This is a great place!"
"And, how about your dog there?"
"My what? Oh, this?" says the patient pulling the string with a confused look. "Sir, this is a toothbrush."
The general manager is amazed.
"Sir. Isn't that your dog? You know, Ruffles?"
"I can assure you this is my toothbrush. I brushed my teeth with it this very morning."
The manager and the inspector say goodbye and part while debating about the patient's improvement.
After a moment, the patient turns to the toothbrush and says.
"You see, Ruffles! I told you if you stood very still we could fool those morons!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1mhx/the_mental_hospital_is_having_the_yearly/
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I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook,

but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1ltq/im_not_saying_my_wifes_a_bad_cook/
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Hate it when you’re looking through your room and can’t find a coat hanger

You have to go all the way to the doctors to get an abortion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1lod/hate_it_when_youre_looking_through_your_room_and/
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Do you know why I don’t like stairs?

Because they’re always up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1l8b/do_you_know_why_i_dont_like_stairs/
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What is the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer testicles. They’re under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1jv6/what_is_the_cheapest_kind_of_meat/
%
I was on a Uber today and the driver said,

"I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do... "
Then I said "turn left"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1imx/i_was_on_a_uber_today_and_the_driver_said/
%
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A drinking problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1f1g/math_teacher_if_i_have_5_bottles_in_one_hand_and/
%
Sucess is like being pregnant...

everyone says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you were fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1di9/sucess_is_like_being_pregnant/
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A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1cxg/a_man_in_an_interrogation_room_says_im_not_saying/
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People always tell me I’m condescending

(That means talking down to people)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1bdf/people_always_tell_me_im_condescending/
%
Little Johnny makes a face at another kid on the playground.

Mrs. Smith walks over, pulls him aside, and says, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and stay like that forever.” Little Johnny looks up and says, “Well, Mrs. Smith, you can’t say they didn’t warn you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x1at1/little_johnny_makes_a_face_at_another_kid_on_the/
%
A boy and his dad are talking each other.

"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x13y8/a_boy_and_his_dad_are_talking_each_other/
%
Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kate Dannaher?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"
"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"
He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x11su/boy_goes_to_confession_and_tells_the_priest_he/
%
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they say she was imaginary...

Well, jokes on them - they're imaginary too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x0uts/my_friends_laughed_at_me_when_i_told_them_i_had_a/
%
I never wanted to believe that my dad stole from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs are there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x0tzl/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_stole_from/
%
Corny traffic sign jokes.

"Don't park on this pole."
"Anti-P! Down with P!"
"Watch out for stick man!"
"Watch out for the slow children!"
I'm a dad, and if my son doesn't constantly roll his eyes at me, I'm not doing my job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x0tue/corny_traffic_sign_jokes/
%
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir,
We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices.
Sincerely,
Your ISP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x0r6e/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
A woman is asking her husband "Darling, do you like my cooking today?"

The man replies: "Why are you looking for a fight?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x0q4t/a_woman_is_asking_her_husband_darling_do_you_like/
%
What is the most challenging obstacle to overcome in a marathon?

3rst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x0pm0/what_is_the_most_challenging_obstacle_to_overcome/
%
Where does a rusty door go fishing?

At the creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x0n2w/where_does_a_rusty_door_go_fishing/
%
My wife has left me a note: ‘I’m leaving you because you’re so stupid and bigoted.’

Well I’m not stupid, I’m actually dyslexic. And I can’t help having big toes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x0j9a/my_wife_has_left_me_a_note_im_leaving_you_because/
%
Its the first day of a new navy recruit aboard a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. “Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x0h62/its_the_first_day_of_a_new_navy_recruit_aboard_a/
%
Two men are stranded on a boat with three cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

One man throws a cigarette overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x0gvh/two_men_are_stranded_on_a_boat_with_three/
%
The Condom Buyer

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laughter is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x0gty/the_condom_buyer/
%
Spelling can be hard

You mix up two letters and your whole joke is urined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x0gfn/spelling_can_be_hard/
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What do you call Werewolf stereotypes?

Lycantropes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x0ehp/what_do_you_call_werewolf_stereotypes/
%
What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x09a7/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
%
What’s the difference between a knife and a feminist?

A knife has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x08sm/whats_the_difference_between_a_knife_and_a/
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My Girlfriend is like square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x077i/my_girlfriend_is_like_square_root_of_100/
%
2 blondes in the shower

Two blondes are in the gym's shower after their workout. The first blonde says to the other "Hey, can you pass me your shampoo please" The second blonde says "But why? Your shampoo is right next to you" And the first blonde replies "Yes but my shampoo is for dry hair, now my hair is already wet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x075j/2_blondes_in_the_shower/
%
The lesbian couple upstairs

Got me a new Rolex for Christmas. I think they may have misunderstood when I told them I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x06b1/the_lesbian_couple_upstairs/
%
Two men are discussing their recent wedding anniversaries

What did you get your wife? Says the first man.
"I bought my wife a 5 carat diamond ring and a new Mercedes Benz. So if she doesn't like the cut of the diamond, she can drive back to the store to exchange it. What did you get yours?"
"I got her a pair of flip flops and a new dildo. So if she doesn't like the flip flops she can go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x05zu/two_men_are_discussing_their_recent_wedding/
%
My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’

That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x03mn/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
%
It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x03a9/its_really_hard_to_say_what_my_wife_does_for_a/
%
I find Nazi jokes in such bad taste because my grandfather died at Auschwitz...

He was drunk and fell off his observation tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9x023t/i_find_nazi_jokes_in_such_bad_taste_because_my/
%
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?

It was a grave mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzzcc/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_was_accidentally/
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“I made this joke.”

What my father said when he held me for the first time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzz0r/i_made_this_joke/
%
An Indian kid tried to walk into a bar

But he couldn't because the bar was set too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzuxj/an_indian_kid_tried_to_walk_into_a_bar/
%
The birdwatcher was not surprised to see a boy masturbating.

He saw that kid coming a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzuhf/the_birdwatcher_was_not_surprised_to_see_a_boy/
%
Local Barber got arrested for selling drugs.

I really cant believe it. I have been his customer for over a decade and never knew he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzu95/local_barber_got_arrested_for_selling_drugs/
%
On a first date

HER: So, are you religious?
FRANKENSTEIN: I'm part Catholic
HER: Oh…your mother or your father?
FRANKENSTEIN: My foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wztin/on_a_first_date/
%
Gandalf, Aragorn, Merry and Pippin were walking through the woods.

Merry and Pippin realized they'd had a bit too much ale and hurried off into the trees to relieve the pressure, so to speak.
When they returned, Gandalf realized they'd each... forgotten something. Since he didn't want to embarrass them in front of Aragorn, he leaned in and whispered dramatically...
"Fly, you fools."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wztfu/gandalf_aragorn_merry_and_pippin_were_walking/
%
No matter how hard I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers...

...the cashier keeps on putting them back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzt9t/no_matter_how_hard_i_try_and_buy_supermarket/
%
Why did the farmer study Microsoft office outside his house?

So he could excel in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzsgz/why_did_the_farmer_study_microsoft_office_outside/
%
I was walking

down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzs8z/i_was_walking/
%
My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzqe0/my_friend_offered_me_a_pair_of_egyptian_coffins/
%
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker

were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzous/a_mexican_woodpecker_and_a_canadian_woodpecker/
%
What's a Pikmin's favorite news site?

The Onion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzo65/whats_a_pikmins_favorite_news_site/
%
"You're so childish!" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends?! This is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzo68/youre_so_childish_screamed_the_wife_why_do_you/
%
A blind man walked into a bar.

And a table. And a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzi0d/a_blind_man_walked_into_a_bar/
%
I wanted to make a joke about Philosophy

But I just Kant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzhq0/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_philosophy/
%
Why do fences often surround cemetries?

Because everybody is dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzh8p/why_do_fences_often_surround_cemetries/
%
The President has declared war on babies.

In response, they sent in the infantry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wzf8n/the_president_has_declared_war_on_babies/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wz8au/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
When I die I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like grandpa...

Not kicking and screaming like everyone else in the car he was driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wz7h3/when_i_die_i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep/
%
Why are priests hip and trendy?

Because the stay in touch with the kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wz2rz/why_are_priests_hip_and_trendy/
%
An Irishman walks into a bar

But just before he enters the bar he gets stopped by an angry nun who yells, "think about your parents before you enter this bar."
the Irishman then sadly replies, "both my parents are dead."
"Then think about the damage the alcohol will do to your health!"
Now the Irishman gets a bit angry and says, "you have no right to tell me what the alcohol will do to me! Have you even tried it yourself?"
"well, no." replies the nun.
"Then I will go inside and get you a drink. After you have tried it you can tell me whatever you want." "well okay then. Then tell me what does women like me usually drink?" asks the nun.
"they will normally drink gin"
"alright. Get me some gin then, but can you get it in a cup so people don't notice?"
"okay." Says the man and enters the bar.
He walks up to the bartender and says "hello Goodman. Can I have one pint and a gin? but put the gin in a cup for me will ya?"
the bartender then replies, "is that bloody nun standing outside the bar again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wyu9o/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar/
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What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The satisfaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wyiot/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_a_rectal/
%
Our bed is like my sanity.

My wife takes too much of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wyeai/our_bed_is_like_my_sanity/
%
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting

So I just came in my pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wy9kg/i_did_not_know_what_to_wear_to_my_premature/
%
Why can you tell a girl she’s pretty a thousand times and she’ll never remember, but tell her she’s ugly and fat just once she’ll never forget?

Because an elephant never forgets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wy93i/why_can_you_tell_a_girl_shes_pretty_a_thousand/
%
I stopped drinking water while studying chemistry

My notes say adding water decreases concentration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wy4ch/i_stopped_drinking_water_while_studying_chemistry/
%
A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the crowd. The comedian, having a gut feeling of a bad omen, walked towards the stranger who pushed past the security and ran straight to the Queen. With his quick reflexes, the comedian jumped and tackled the attacker, knocking him down and subduing him long enough for the guards to seize him.
The Royal Family, grateful for the comedian's heroicism, thanked the comedian while the crowd applauded. The Queen, not wanting his effort go to waste, offered anything in return. The comedian denied her gifts and rewards, but the Queen was persistent. In her last effort, she offered him a dinner at the very least in the royal palace itself. The comedian mulled it over, and as he had no plans for the night anyway, accepted her offer.
He was not able to wear anything half decent to the dinner. The guards mistook him for a beggar at first before the prince came by to grant him entry. When they entered the main hall, he was mesmerised by the extravagant display. Rare antique paintings line the walls, while a huge glistering crystal chandelier hung above them. It reflected every colour of the spectrum, casting rainbows everywhere. The prince led him to the dining hall where the dinner will take place.
Right as they enter the dining hall, a group of high-ranking officials paraded the comedian with applause, something he could never say about his comedy career. He was escorted by a butler towards his seat, right across the crown prince and heir to the throne.
The Queen began the dinner with a greeting to all. She acknowledged the presence of their saviour from earlier, this simple comedian, for his act of courage which saved them all. She went on about the duties of a knight, likening them to the bravery of this comedian.
As he was getting bored by the Queen's long message, his eyes wandered off to scan the dinner table. An elegant, skillfully woven piece of tapestry lay atop the expensive ebony table. The plates were of the highest quality, luxurious enough to make the lamest meals look like gourmet. The cutlery were shining, absolute fine silverware and crafted to perfection. His eyes met the prince's plate, which was peculiarly out of place. It was but a cheap paper plate, the ones that can be bought in bulk for spare change. He was using disposable utensils, made of plastic that looks like it would snap the moment the prince applied force on it. Likewise, the princess was using the same cheap dinnerware, and seemed to be perfectly fine with it while the rest of the esteemed guests used the most expensive ones.
The royal chefs enter the room carrying on their silver platters their meals for the night. It was the most exquisite steak the comedian has ever seen, smeared with sauce infused with herbs and spices from God knows where- this was their dinner. Behind the head chef was a line of assistants carrying individual side dishes to the guests and royal family. Their glasses were filled with expensive wine, emitting a strong scent.
Meanwhile, a pair of lower-ranking cooks assisted the prince and princess with their food. They were having basic, poorly made spaghetti. The cooks sloppily scoop the sauce on top of their noodles, making a mess while they did.
The Queen offered a toast to begin the dinner. The chattering of the guest died down as they began to enjoy their meals. The comedian is still bothered by the two heirs, who are eating such simple meals while no one bats an eye. While the others ate, he silently stared at the prince and princess eat their meals.
The comedian leaned over to the Queen and asked, "So what's the deal with the heir line food?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wy34e/a_comedian_was_on_vacation_in_london/
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A horror movie in a deaf school would work quite well...

...because no one would hear you scream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wy2nx/a_horror_movie_in_a_deaf_school_would_work_quite/
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Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wy2ch/dating_is_a_lot_like_fishing/
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I know a good joke about bacterial disease

But I dont want to spread it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wy2as/i_know_a_good_joke_about_bacterial_disease/
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A Flat-Earther is lost at sea when he sees a boat off in the distance

then it disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wy09k/a_flatearther_is_lost_at_sea_when_he_sees_a_boat/
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Turtle Picnic

Two turtles left on a picnic. Their favorite spot takes them almost a quarter of a day to walk to, being turtles and all. When the two turtles get to their favorite spot, they're starving! They can't wait to dig in. As they're getting their picnic set up, one of the turtles says "I can't find the bottle opener. I can't have a nice picnic without my beer!" The other turtle says "why don't you go back home and get the bottle opener?" He responds "I don't want you to start eating without me." The other turtle says "that's fine, I'll wait. Just go." So he does.
The turtle waits patiently for his friend to come back with the bottle opener before he eats. Four hours pass, and the turtle hasn't returned yet. "It's a long trip" thinks the turtle, still patiently waiting.
Eight hours go by. Nine. Ten. The whole day goes by, and the turtle STILL isn't back with the bottle opener. The turtle waiting is wondering where his friend is, and at this point he is absolutely starved. "Forget it," he says. "If I don't eat, I'll starve to death!" So he starts to dig in. Just as the turtle is about to start eating his food, the turtle that left for the bottle opener jumps out of the bushes and yells "I knew it! I'm not fucking going!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wxzx9/turtle_picnic/
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I’d tell you some tax jokes.

But I doubt you’d depreciate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wxzob/id_tell_you_some_tax_jokes/
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What do you call a bunch of corgis fucking?

A (c)orgy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wxvuj/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_corgis_fucking/
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Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving?

Turkey, coz it's so stuffed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wxvsr/who_doesnt_eat_on_thanksgiving/
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How do you get Donald Trump to visit a memorial in the rain?

Tell him the forecasts predict golden showers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wxnof/how_do_you_get_donald_trump_to_visit_a_memorial/
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I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wxmyx/i_used_to_sell_security_alarms_door_to_door_and_i/
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Saw a group of bodybuilding priests at the gym today

Talk about muscle mass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wxmk9/saw_a_group_of_bodybuilding_priests_at_the_gym/
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A joke on Reddit is like a penis. Nobody cares if it's short.

But if it's long, everyone knows it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wxfrq/a_joke_on_reddit_is_like_a_penis_nobody_cares_if/
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Older forms of English kept Latin’s gender-specific suffixes

Tor is for men and trix is for women. So a male pilot is an aviator, a female pilot is an aviatrix. A male fighter is a gladiator, a female fighter is a gladiatrix.
This contrasts with the modern system, where tor is for both men and women, and trix are for kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wxdxs/older_forms_of_english_kept_latins_genderspecific/
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I like to antagonize my roommate by keeping framed photos of his ex.

They're on shelves throughout the apartment.  Hell, there are two in my room!  Sometimes I call her when he's in the room.  I even invite her to visit.
That's what that bastard gets for having dated my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wx6bz/i_like_to_antagonize_my_roommate_by_keeping/
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American beer is like having sex in a canoe

It's fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wx01w/american_beer_is_like_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
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What do masturbating and being a bad trumpet player have in common?

Blow your horn in private, no one wants to see you rehearsing in a public park.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwzgw/what_do_masturbating_and_being_a_bad_trumpet/
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I got a surprisingly big bonus from selling a hotel in Madrid

Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Commission

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwzb3/i_got_a_surprisingly_big_bonus_from_selling_a/
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How do most people view lesbian relationships?

In full HD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwwmb/how_do_most_people_view_lesbian_relationships/
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Bought a concert ticket for $0.45

50 cent featuring Nickelback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwwk9/bought_a_concert_ticket_for_045/
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What’s a short word but a long sentence

Rape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwwgn/whats_a_short_word_but_a_long_sentence/
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An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning.

He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch. He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time.
The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop. "10:27" he said.
The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before. He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man.
Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you tell time."
The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camel's testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwwca/an_archaeologist_in_egypt_was_taking_a_walk_in/
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What do you call a person that refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9www49/what_do_you_call_a_person_that_refuses_to_fart_in/
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I like my /r/jokes like I like my coffee

Dark, recycled, and bitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwtlz/i_like_my_rjokes_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.
"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"
The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking steed standing right in the stable behind the keeper, a horse with matted, mangy fur, a deranged, glazed-over look in his eye and a stiff, motionless stance that would have made him look more like taxidermy than a living animal if it hadn't been for the occasional twitch.
"How much for that one?" the cowboy asked.
The stable keeper shook his head. "Trust me. You do NOT want that horse. I got him from a real shady-lookin' preacher one day. I don't know what that man did to him, but all's I know is that the horse ain't right. Never has been."
The cowboy had his doubts, but he was desperate, and insisted on buying the horse despite the stable keeper's warnings. The keeper let him have the horse for free, as he couldn't bring himself to charge money for such a defective creature in good conscience. Before sending him on his way, the keeper gave the cowboy some instructions:
"As I said, this horse ain't right. He's completely unresponsive to everything except for two specific sentences. To make him go, you have to say 'Thank you Jesus!' To make him stop, you say 'Hallelujah!' In all honesty I can only hope the Lord is riding with 'ya tonight, 'cause otherwise... Well... Just be careful, okay?"
The cowboy excitedly hopped on his new horse, ready to ride off into town. Remembering what the old stable keeper told him, he shouted "Thank you, Jesus!" and instantly the horse went from standing to top speed in a second, nearly giving the cowboy whiplash!
Onward the horse galloped, smashing into fences and bushes that didn't slow it down for a second, dashing in a straight line even after missing its first turn a long time ago. It almost seemed a miracle that there were no trees directly in the way, because the horse would have surely ran into one.
The cowboy instantly regretted his decision, and in his panic he'd forgotten which phrase made the horse stop. Then, to his horror, he realized that the horse was heading full-speed off the edge of an incredibly steep cliff. The cowboy began frantically pulling on the reins, screaming all the religious phrases he could think of to try and halt the beast, but to no avail. Suddenly, when all hope seemed lost, he remembered at the last minute:
"HALLELUJAH!!!"
And instantly the horse froze, a single inch away from the edge of the cliff.
The cowboy was trembling and drenched in sweat. He had never been so close to certain doom. With a sigh of relief, he wiped his brow, looked up to the heavens and said:
"Thank you, Jesus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wws85/a_cowboys_horse_died_on_his_way_to_town/
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Why did Mr. Mosby go to jail?

He was the CodyZack killer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwrx3/why_did_mr_mosby_go_to_jail/
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A bear walks into a bar...

The bear says:  “I’d like a whiskey and............................coke please.
Bartender says: “Why the big pause?”
Bear replies: “I was born with them.”
Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed the drink and location). Here’s how it happened:
2yo Child, While holding her bear: Um, daddy?Can I have................................milk pwease?
Me: Sure sweetie, but why the big pause?!
Only I laughed...my ass off. Guess I’ll just, grin and bear all the repost comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwruv/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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Physics exam

Two students go to physics exam. The first goes in the class and the professor begins with the questions:
* Prof - Lets say you are traveling by train and its getting hot. What will you do?
* Student - Open the window.
* Prof - Very good. The window has a surface of 1.5 m2, the compartment has a volume of 12 m3, the train speeds 80 km / h to the west, the south wind blowing at 5 m / s. How quickly will the space be refreshed?
The student does not know the answer and fails the exam. He gets out and tells the other student the question. The second goes in, and the professor begins with the questions:
* Prof - Lets say u r traveling by train and getting hot. What will you do?
* Student - Take off the coat.
* Prof - It's very hot!
* Student - Take off my shirt and my vest.
* Prof - It's hot!
* Student - Take off the pants and socks.
* Prof - What if someone comes and tries to rape you?
* Student - O yea, let all the train fuck me, I am not opening the window!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwlql/physics_exam/
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How many potatoes does it take to make a potato pancake?

A latke!
(I removed a typo from my first submission and reposted this joke, sorry if you saw it twice.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwkek/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_make_a_potato/
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We can argue all day about what the best card game is but I think we can all agree...

Uno is number 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwis0/we_can_argue_all_day_about_what_the_best_card/
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What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwhn9/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
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What do you call a prayer that lasts for 72 hours?

Three Days Grace

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwfjr/what_do_you_call_a_prayer_that_lasts_for_72_hours/
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What do you call it when you jerk off to old pictures?

A *Blast* from the *Past*...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwdcw/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_jerk_off_to_old/
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How does a philosopher lose his virginity?

By getting deep in thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wwarw/how_does_a_philosopher_lose_his_virginity/
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Burglars are getting very clever these days.

Last night my wife woke me up - "Darling! Darling! There is a burglar downstairs!" So I go down, check every room and didn't find anyone. Then I realised I don't have wife, but when I went upstairs, my bed and TV were gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ww6ca/burglars_are_getting_very_clever_these_days/
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You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name

And you've never been to that bar before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ww5o7/you_know_you_have_a_drinking_problem_when_the/
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Life lesson

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(edited)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ww20j/life_lesson/
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREATHEEEE!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wvz1w/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
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After I die, I want my remains spread at my favorite places around the world so my family can experience them too.

But I don't believe in cremation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wvydb/after_i_die_i_want_my_remains_spread_at_my/
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I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it...

...You never know when you might need a nail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wvvjk/i_found_a_justin_bieber_concert_ticket_nailed_to/
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What did ryu say when he met ken?

HOW-DO-YOU-DO-KEN?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wvuv2/what_did_ryu_say_when_he_met_ken/
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What's the difference between a lobster and an Asian who got ran over by a bus?

One's a crustacean and the other is a crushed Asian!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wvs8j/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_and_an/
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Proof that girls are evil.

Girls = time * money
But time is money therefore
Girls = money* money
Therefore
Girls = money^2
But money is the root of all evil
Girlfriends = (√evil)^2
The roots cancel out, therefore
Girls = evil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wvpeh/proof_that_girls_are_evil/
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I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes

It’s all about raisin awareness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wvj4i/ive_started_telling_everyone_about_the_benefits/
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My Girlfriend is a Square Root of -100

A 10 but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wvhn1/my_girlfriend_is_a_square_root_of_100/
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Two friends are driving when

they notice a pair of dogs doing it in the front lawm of a neighbor's house
Friend 1: I wish my wife and I could do that
Friend 2: you don't it much uh?  Take her out this weekend and order some margaritas. 3 should be enough.
A week goes by and the two friends are driving again
Friend 2: so how did it go?
Friend 1: oh it went great. Thanks for suggesting the Margaritas though it was quite expensive.
Friend 2: that so?  How many did she drink?
Friend 1: Seven
Friend 2: Seven?!  Does she have a high tolerance or something?
Friend 1: nah. After 3 she was feeling frisky enough but took 4 more to convince her to do it on the lawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wvfja/two_friends_are_driving_when/
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Two Chemists Walk into a Bar

“I’ll have an H2O,” one scientist says.
"I’ll have an H2O, too,” the other says.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wvesb/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
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How well-fed are Meth Babies?

Pseudo-fed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wv9iz/how_wellfed_are_meth_babies/
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I have a solution to global warming!

Nuclear winter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wuzx6/i_have_a_solution_to_global_warming/
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My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wuxr9/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
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Don't be ashamed about your skin color.

At Least your skeleton is white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wusqm/dont_be_ashamed_about_your_skin_color/
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What's the difference between Me and Cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.
ecks dee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wuofz/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
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What’s the difference between a hooker and a fridge

The fridge doesn’t fart when you take your meat out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wuli3/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_fridge/
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The Hunter and The Bear

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.
In  his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he  turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran,  until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing  in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms,  and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The  skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet  short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around,  somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wugbs/the_hunter_and_the_bear/
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Man goes into a toy store

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So  he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well,"  she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the  Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the  Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced  Barbie for $265.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wufxq/man_goes_into_a_toy_store/
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A guy walks into a bar with his horse

and offers $100 to anybody who can  make the horse laugh. Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers  something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head  off.
So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his  horse again, but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the  horse cry. The same guy comes up to him, then whispers to the horse and  they go off to the bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse  is sobbing. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says:  "Hey, I just gotta know - how did you do that?"
"Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him. This week I showed him...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wufdp/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_horse/
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“Don’t be so negative”

Yeah, tell that to my bank account

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wub08/dont_be_so_negative/
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What's the difference between a can and a bucket?

If you kick a can, you get excercise. If you kick a bucket, you die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wu9pr/whats_the_difference_between_a_can_and_a_bucket/
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Back when I was younger, I looked in the Mario Kart Wii manual and saw it had Classic Controller Support. I thought, "How the hell do you use that?"

Looking back now that I have a Wii again, I looked at my Wii remote and said, "How the hell did I use that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wu7ur/back_when_i_was_younger_i_looked_in_the_mario/
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The Penguin Joke

One day a cop pulls over a van and when he walked up to the drivers window he sees a flock of penguins buckled into the seats.
The cop asks the driver "are those penguins?"
The driver says "yes, they are my pets."
The cop replies to the driver "You need to take them to the zoo immediately."
So the driver agreed and drove off.
The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the penguins still buckled into their seats, except this time they were all wearing sunglasses.
The cop says to the driver "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo?"
The driver says "I did, and today we are going to the beach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wu2i0/the_penguin_joke/
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How does electrician turn down services

He refuses it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wu1o1/how_does_electrician_turn_down_services/
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An elderly man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wtxwu/an_elderly_man_walked_into_a_crowded_doctors/
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar

One says, "I think i've lost an electron"
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, i'm positive..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wttqd/two_hydrogen_atoms_walk_into_a_bar/
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I'm a really good magician

But my dad was better. He disappeared when I was 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wtr9s/im_a_really_good_magician/
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Me and my wife were happy for 20 years ...

and then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wtp5n/me_and_my_wife_were_happy_for_20_years/
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My friend keeps bragging to me about how constipated he is...

I think he is just full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wtny7/my_friend_keeps_bragging_to_me_about_how/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wtmz1/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Your mama so dumb.

She thought Bruce Lee was an adverb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wtmq5/your_mama_so_dumb/
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What telecommunications service does a fortnite player use?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wtbkd/what_telecommunications_service_does_a_fortnite/
%
I found a wallet What do i do?

r/WhatDoISayNow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wtalf/i_found_a_wallet_what_do_i_do/
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Why does Eric Clapton only buy apple products

Because his son had a bad experience with windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wta9g/why_does_eric_clapton_only_buy_apple_products/
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Some French guy hit me with a baguette

I got pain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wt7it/some_french_guy_hit_me_with_a_baguette/
%
2 carpenters hard at work talking about there previous jobs,

"I got the sack once for being just two mil out!" the first one said
"That was a bit unreasonable ," replied the second
"It was alright" said the first one,
"I didn't really want to be an accountant anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wt433/2_carpenters_hard_at_work_talking_about_there/
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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wt2c5/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
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Henry and Janet are about to get married

When Henry arrives at the church, he has a big smile on his face.  His best man asks him why he's so happy, and he says "I know it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, but Janet came over this morning and gave me the best blowjob of my life!"
When Janet arrives at the church, she's also sporting a huge smile.  Her maid of honour asks why, and Janet replies "I went over to see Henry this morning, and I gave the last blowjob of my life!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wt1k4/henry_and_janet_are_about_to_get_married/
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"You're so childish" screamed the wife.

"Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends, this is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"
"This relationship is what? Over"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wsziq/youre_so_childish_screamed_the_wife/
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A boy approaches the boarder with a birdcage.

Do you have your papers kid.
No, you have to let me in, my bird is sick.
Sorry kid, we don't allow ill-eagle immigrants into this country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wswuu/a_boy_approaches_the_boarder_with_a_birdcage/
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I found out my grandfather died at a concentration camp.

Stupid bastard tripped and fell out of his guard tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wsv01/i_found_out_my_grandfather_died_at_a/
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A luxury cruise liner is about to leave port

when the engine breaks down.  Every mechanic on staff tries everything they can think of to get it running, but no luck.  Desperate, the captain begins asking passengers if there's any mechanics on board.  A retired old salt steps forward and says "I have 50 years experience as a navy mechanic, maybe I can help".
They show him the engine, and after looking it over for a few minutes, he grabs a ball peen hammer, walks over to one of many pipes jutting from the engine and taps it with the hammer.
The engine roars back to life, humming like the first day it was used.  The captain thanks the man profusely and says "just write up a bill and I'll personally see to it you're compensated for saving this voyage".  The old salt scribbles on a slip of paper and hands it to the captain. It says: hit engine with hammer- $10,000.
The captain is outraged. "I appreciate what you've done, but how can you possibly justify that price for just hitting the engine with a hammer"?  The old salt grabs the paper, scribbles some more and hands it back.  Now it says:
Hitting engine with hammer - $5.
Knowing exactly where to hit engine with hammer - $9,995.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wsr4u/a_luxury_cruise_liner_is_about_to_leave_port/
%
I wouldn't be too worried about Stan Lee dying...

Marvel will just resurrect him in a few issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wsomt/i_wouldnt_be_too_worried_about_stan_lee_dying/
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What do you call a deaf man in a bar?

Anything you want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wslmv/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_man_in_a_bar/
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I told my mother in law "When war comes, I'll just be eating human flesh as well". "You shitting me?!" She asked.

"Maybe." I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wskn1/i_told_my_mother_in_law_when_war_comes_ill_just/
%
I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wsdor/i_caught_a_really_bad_case_of_the_flu_in_madrid/
%
I don’t need to poop because my body absorbs all the energy from food.

But some people tell me I’m full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wsadl/i_dont_need_to_poop_because_my_body_absorbs_all/
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What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ws8mo/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_and_finding/
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I went to the doctor and he told me "Don't eat anything fatty."

I asked, "Like what? No pizza or burgers?!"
He replied "No, fatty, just don't eat anything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ws79t/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_told_me_dont_eat/
%
A man and the taxi driver

A man calls a taxi to take him and his children in a long trip from spain to germany . When the taxi driver comes he tells the man that the trip is gonna cost around 3000 euros . The man is someone who likes to spend as little money as possible , and doesn't really have a free hand when it comes to giving money . After going back and forth with the taxi driver he makes a proposal to him .
The man tells him " If i don't say a single word during the trip , i'll have to pay only 2000 " .
The taxi driver agrees .
During the trip the taxi driver tries to tease the man and get him to talk . They go through madrid , barcelona , berlin , hamburg , hanover etc . They stop several times during the trip in different cities .
After they arrive at the location , the taxi driver tell him " You made it without even talking once , you'll only have to pay me 2000 euros , but first tell me when did you almost talk ? "
The man answers " when we stopped in paris and we forgot my kids there "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ws644/a_man_and_the_taxi_driver/
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I like my women the same way I like my coffee jokes

Stolen and abused so many times you can't remember what it looked like originally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ws5ro/i_like_my_women_the_same_way_i_like_my_coffee/
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2 rednecks

Two rednecks are driving the down road and see a dog on the side of the road licking his balls.
One looks at the other and goes "Man I wish I could do that!"
Other guy looks back and says "Man he'd bite you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ws1ue/2_rednecks/
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Having gay parents must be horrible, let me finish..

You either get twice the number of dad jokes, or you're caught in an endless cycle of "Go ask your mom".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ws0hb/having_gay_parents_must_be_horrible_let_me_finish/
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what do you call 2 transgender midgets who are having sex?

a micro transaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wrxgl/what_do_you_call_2_transgender_midgets_who_are/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wruvr/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
I have a mate who constantly goes on about how he makes the best waffles.

I find him quite eggotistical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wru14/i_have_a_mate_who_constantly_goes_on_about_how_he/
%
My local shop is discriminating against a certain group of people...

They don't accept Czechs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wrq9z/my_local_shop_is_discriminating_against_a_certain/
%
My wife got angry when I said her new candle smelled like wet dog and mildew...

But I was just giving my two scents on the topic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wrq4w/my_wife_got_angry_when_i_said_her_new_candle/
%
What did the barber say to the chemotherapy patient?

You want me to shave your head? Of course I cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wrq47/what_did_the_barber_say_to_the_chemotherapy/
%
[Request] Met a girl at a lemonade booth

I met a cute girl named Zoe the other day. She was running a booth that served hand made lemonade at a festival. She gave me her number, but I'm looking for a good joke to get the conversation rolling. Any thoughts?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wrfjd/request_met_a_girl_at_a_lemonade_booth/
%
I hate my new neighbours...

This german shephard keeps jumping over the fence and pooping on my lawn.
And he has this dog...
Credit: Jasper Carrott

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wrf9j/i_hate_my_new_neighbours/
%
I've been depressed, so I decided to take a vacation to Bermuda

It's now a tropical depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wrbd7/ive_been_depressed_so_i_decided_to_take_a/
%
A Weasel goes into a bar.

The bartender say " what can i get ya?"
"Pop" goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wr8kw/a_weasel_goes_into_a_bar/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee,

After waiting in line for way too long and with them ultimately calling my name out wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wr433/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
“Dad, what does coincidence mean?”

“Weird. I was just about to ask you the same thing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wr1uj/dad_what_does_coincidence_mean/
%
Did you hear the one about the Native American who died after drinking too much tea?

He drowned in his tea pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqy3q/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_native_american/
%
"As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation"

Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"
Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqy3n/as_has_often_been_noted_physics_is_to_math_what/
%
A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a hot nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.
The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!"
The man tells the nun she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex.
Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud, sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha,ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqxo3/a_man_gets_on_a_bus_and_ends_up_sitting_next_to_a/
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What do you call an Irishman who smokes marijuana?

A baked potato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqwjl/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_who_smokes_marijuana/
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My friends call me 'Curiosity'

Not because I'm always seeking knowledge, but because I kill cats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqwhp/my_friends_call_me_curiosity/
%
I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed with coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqrvy/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
%
What does Kim Kardashian and the word "however" have in common?

They are just a fancy but.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqroj/what_does_kim_kardashian_and_the_word_however/
%
When I get in the car after my wife had driven it, I only have to flip the center mirror lever.

The difference in our height is like night and day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqr1w/when_i_get_in_the_car_after_my_wife_had_driven_it/
%
What was the first form of digital storage?

gloves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqqbi/what_was_the_first_form_of_digital_storage/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqog8/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
%
My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqjx2/my_marriage_is_over/
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I like my men like I like my coffee

No where near my vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqj5c/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar

Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqihi/a_russian_spy_a_sexual_predator_and_a_billionaire/
%
On a cold winter day....

....31st December 2009, the employees of a company received the following message "While the company recognises your invaluable services, we are sorry to inform that we would be able to pay your salaries only next year". Shocked on seeing this, the employees contacted the salary section of the finance department to know what was wrong. The department however clarified that it was just a joke and that they would be receiving their salaries the next day which was also technically, the next year. While some of them laughed it off, others couldn't take this so lightly especially considering the timing, they were still recovering from the shock of the 2008 financial crisis. They felt that the so called joke made by the finance department was actually ACCRUAL joke on their lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqi04/on_a_cold_winter_day/
%
Whenever I get naked in the bathroom

The shower gets turned on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqheo/whenever_i_get_naked_in_the_bathroom/
%
I like my women how I I like my wine

Aged 10 years and in my cellar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqgxw/i_like_my_women_how_i_i_like_my_wine/
%
"So, you're telling me you're in the navy yet you don't know how to swim?"

"Buddy, you're in the air-force. Do you know how to fly?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqagh/so_youre_telling_me_youre_in_the_navy_yet_you/
%
If a child is refusing to take a nap.

Is it resisting a rest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wqab9/if_a_child_is_refusing_to_take_a_nap/
%
My wife said I'm the cheapest person she ever met

I'm not buying it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wq65n/my_wife_said_im_the_cheapest_person_she_ever_met/
%
Rent a man a helicopter, he will fly for a day.

Throw him off the flying helicopter and he will fly for the rest of his life ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wq3j2/rent_a_man_a_helicopter_he_will_fly_for_a_day/
%
I try to avoid sexual innuendos

But it’s hard. Soo hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wq386/i_try_to_avoid_sexual_innuendos/
%
Why are all gender equality officers female?

Because it's cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wq36w/why_are_all_gender_equality_officers_female/
%
A famous porn star died..

At the funeral, everyone came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wq2d7/a_famous_porn_star_died/
%
How was the first digital sound created?

Someone snapped their fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wq1ce/how_was_the_first_digital_sound_created/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican guy who disappeared while counting?

They say he vanished without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpzvh/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_guy_who/
%
The doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.

I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpzcu/the_doctor_told_me_to_drink_two_glasses_of_red/
%
What do you call an italian astronaut?

A specimen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpyo7/what_do_you_call_an_italian_astronaut/
%
In heaven Mother Theresa is complaining to god that Princes Diana's halo is bigger than hers...

God giggles... That's not a halo, that's a steering wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpwvu/in_heaven_mother_theresa_is_complaining_to_god/
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Success is like a pregnancy

Everyone says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you got fucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wptmd/success_is_like_a_pregnancy/
%
Do you have a vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.
She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
Do you have vagina'..... .. 'Yes' she says......
The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wptgc/do_you_have_a_vagina/
%
Nissan is rear-ending a Jeep in England.

Immediately from the Jeep are jumping two huge americans. They go over to the other car, pull the guy out, and start beating him. He is starting to scream:
"Come on, guys, stop!"
They continue.
He tries to stop them again, but they don't listen.
Then he says:
"Come on, guys, please stop, we are in England!"
They answer to him:
"We don't care that we are in England, this is how we do things in America, so you are not getting away with it."
Then he shouts to them:
"Jesus, guys, you are bloody idiots, this is England, the driver is in the other seat!"
PS Sorry for the bad english, its not my native language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpqcy/nissan_is_rearending_a_jeep_in_england/
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Two whales walk into a bar.

First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaa eeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo
Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wppv8/two_whales_walk_into_a_bar/
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Hey girl, is your atomic number 11?

Because you're sodium fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpobh/hey_girl_is_your_atomic_number_11/
%
I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpnwj/i_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_shit_myself/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpl3v/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey

But I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpkk0/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
%
Carpet Installers

As Bill finished installing the carpet in the lady’s house, he walked through each room to make sure it was done well. In the bedroom he found a frustrated co-worker smashing his hammer into the carpet.
“What’s going on Paul?” he asked. “I must’ve left my cigarettes under the carpet. I’m not going to rip the whole thing off, I’ll just flatten it out.” Paul said shaking his head.
“Fine with me” Bill replied as he left the room.
As he walked out, the lady of the house called him over. “Can you please keep an eye out for my son’s hamster? He escaped from his cage and we can’t find him anywhere!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpk9n/carpet_installers/
%
What's the longest word in the English language?

Smiles.
There's a mile in between the two S's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpfaz/whats_the_longest_word_in_the_english_language/
%
I drunkenly stumbled into the back of a taxi.

He looked at me and said, 'It will cost you £40 if you are sick on my seats, buddy. OK?!'
'Right,' I slurred. 'Gotcha...'
I was heaving all the way home. The driver was cautioning me. Eventually we stopped outside my house and he said, 'That'll be £55, then, please mate.'
I threw up on the seats.
'What the fuck did I tell you?' he screamed. 'Why did you throw up on my fucking seats!'
I said, 'Cos I'm pissed, mate. And besides, I just saved £15.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpekg/i_drunkenly_stumbled_into_the_back_of_a_taxi/
%
A doctor and nurse were having an affair

, and the nurse got pregnant. Being a little large, and not very bright, she didn't realize she was pregnant until she was very far along. In a panic she went to the doctor and said, "What should we do?"
The doctor came up with a brilliant plan. A priest was just about to go into surgery for a stomach problem at their hospital, so he rearranged things to have him and the nurse do the operation. He delivered the baby by c-section, took care of the priest's stomach problem, quietly made arrangements for the nurse to recover at her home ... and proclaimed a miracle: the priest hadn't actually had a stomach problem ... he'd been pregnant! He just delivered a healthy baby boy!
Amazingly, everyone believed it, including the priest. He took the boy home from the hospital, and raised it as his own. As the boy grew up, the priest wouldn't tell him about his origin. Whenever the boy asked, "Who's my father?" the priest said, "I'll let you know when you are 16."
When the boy turned 16, the priest finally told him the story. He told about how he'd gone into the hospital, and the boy had been miraculously born into the world. The boy said, "Wow ... so you really are my father!"
The priest said, "Well actually, I'm your mother. The arch-bishop ... he's really your father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpclu/a_doctor_and_nurse_were_having_an_affair/
%
Two guys walk into a bar and take turns ordering rounds of beer.

After a  few rounds have passed, one guy drains his mug and says to the other,  "Your round." "Well so are you, you fat jerk," the other guy replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpbx4/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar_and_take_turns_ordering/
%
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wpaod/i_invited_my_girlfriend_to_go_to_the_gym_with_me/
%
One Jamaican walks up to another Jamaican in the park.

'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?'
The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wp84o/one_jamaican_walks_up_to_another_jamaican_in_the/
%
Agnostics need a better bookkeeper

They don't know if they have a prophet or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wp84h/agnostics_need_a_better_bookkeeper/
%
THE WINE TASTER

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wp7s6/the_wine_taster/
%
When I die I'd like to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

And not screaming, like his passengers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wp79u/when_i_die_id_like_to_go_peacefully_in_my_sleep/
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What did Kim-Jon Un say when his father died?

His Korea is over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wp6k1/what_did_kimjon_un_say_when_his_father_died/
%
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island...
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...
"Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?"
"yes" she said "anything!"
"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"
"ok..."
"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"
"wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly.
"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"
She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat.
"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"
"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited...
She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wp2km/scarlett_johansson_and_some_guy_were_the_only/
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What do you have if your Dad’s brother is a complete pig?

An Oinkle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wowpo/what_do_you_have_if_your_dads_brother_is_a/
%
Dads are like boomerangs

Right? At least I hope so...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wowgx/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
What's the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wotfh/whats_the_most_expensive_haircut/
%
A recently widowed woman is entertaining several guests at a dinner party.

She leads them on a tour of the house, and eventually they come to her late husbands study. There’s a giant taxidermy great white shark on the wall.
“Do tell me the story of the shark,” asks a guest.
“Before my husband died, he and I were deep sea fishing off the coast of Peru. We fought this beast for days—it was caught and brought back to a small village to be made into a trophy.”
“Oh, what a wonderful story!” says a guest, patting the stomach of the shark. “I’ve always wondered how they do it—what is the shark stuffed with?”
“My husband,” replies the woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wot4g/a_recently_widowed_woman_is_entertaining_several/
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Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wop20/women_really_know_how_to_hold_a_grudge_over_the/
%
My mom was an excellent ventriloquist.

For years, I thought that our dog was telling me to kill my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9womr2/my_mom_was_an_excellent_ventriloquist/
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Before I die

I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9womg2/before_i_die/
%
I may have Alzheimer’s...

but at least i don’t have Alzheimer’s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wohiw/i_may_have_alzheimers/
%
It's been noted that two out of three of Donald Trump's wives were immigrants.

Which just shows immigrants are needed to do the things that the locals are averse to doing . . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wof1f/its_been_noted_that_two_out_of_three_of_donald/
%
Three expectant mothers are sitting around a table knitting sweaters for their babies to be.

The first mother says "I'm taking folic acid, I want my baby to have a strong immune system". The other mothers nod.
The second mother says "I'm taking calcium supplements, I want my baby to have strong bones". The other mothers nod.
The third mother says "Oh, well I'm taking Thalidomide." The other mothers' jaws drop and they both say in unison "What!? Why the hell are you taking Thalidomide!?!?"
"I don't know how to knit sleeves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wocp8/three_expectant_mothers_are_sitting_around_a/
%
There are only two types of people worse than racists

The blacks and the jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wobob/there_are_only_two_types_of_people_worse_than/
%
What do you call a couple of tongues that are best friends?

Taste buds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wo5a5/what_do_you_call_a_couple_of_tongues_that_are/
%
I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign.

"  "Capricorn." I replied.
"Yeah, right," he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wo1po/i_walked_into_the_doctors_surgery_and_he_said_to/
%
Who is r/jokes' favorite singer?

Repost Malone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wnylb/who_is_rjokes_favorite_singer/
%
A criminal sets up a small souvenir shop in Australia selling glass Kangaroos as a front for his drug smuggling business

The detective working the case walks in and says
"I can see straight through your roos mate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wnw6s/a_criminal_sets_up_a_small_souvenir_shop_in/
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What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wnugs/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_is_314_meters_long/
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I’m thinking of buying a beehive, five chickens and a cockerel, that way...

...I can get my honey for nothing and my chicks for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wnqys/im_thinking_of_buying_a_beehive_five_chickens_and/
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Back in the day 20 white men chasing a black guy was considered racist.

Now its called Formula 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wnnar/back_in_the_day_20_white_men_chasing_a_black_guy/
%
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little more space!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wnhy6/did_you_hear_about_the_claustrophobic_astronaut/
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What’s the difference between a Hoover vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson?

The position of the dirt bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wnhar/whats_the_difference_between_a_hoover_vacuum/
%
A man walks up to a woman in a bar

The man turns to the woman and says "Hey, I've got this magic water that can make me fly." Then the woman says "I don't believe you. Show me."
So the man downs a magic water and gets on the top of the roof, jumps off, and flies back on. The woman says "Wow! Do that again!"
And so the man goes back downstairs to drink another magic water, gets back on the roof, jumps off, flies back on. The woman says
"Whoa! I gotta try that for myself!" The woman goes downstairs, asks the bar tender for some magic water, drinks it, gets on the roof, jumps off, and dies.
When the man comes back downstairs the bar tender says to him,
"You know Super Man, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wnga6/a_man_walks_up_to_a_woman_in_a_bar/
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Do you know that joke about broken pencil?

Never mind, it’s pointless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wndpv/do_you_know_that_joke_about_broken_pencil/
%
What do you call original content on r/jokes?

I'm not sure, we've never had a need for a word like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wnab3/what_do_you_call_original_content_on_rjokes/
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A cattle transporter was moving a bus full of baby cows. He tried to make them sit still but they kept rotating.

I guess the veals on the bus go round and round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wn7vc/a_cattle_transporter_was_moving_a_bus_full_of/
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My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike

My dad was holding me from behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wn4ds/my_first_time_having_sex_was_like_my_first_time/
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At a wedding party in Mexico, the inebriated groom stumbles into the bedroom and finds his bride getting fucked by the best man.he laughs uproariously and calls his his friends to the doorway to have a look. They say to him "Juan, you are drunk!"

"You think I'M drunk?" he yells. .
"Take a look at Manuel. . He's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wn3vw/at_a_wedding_party_in_mexico_the_inebriated_groom/
%
Fat Acceptance

The only movement that doesn’t move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wn2pd/fat_acceptance/
%
I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."

Then I said, "turn Left"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wn2f0/i_was_in_a_cab_today_and_the_cab_driver_said_i/
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Dirty river

&nbsp;
God told Adam that he and Eve could do pretty much anything they want as long as Eve doesn’t go swimming during “that time of the month”.
&nbsp;
God comes back a few days later only to discover that Eve has done that very thing.
&nbsp;
God: Adam, why is there a bunch of blood in the river?
Adam: I’m so sorry, I tried to stop her. She wouldn’t listen to me. I can fix this. I’ll clean the river.
God: The river will clean itself.
Adam: Then why are you so angry?
God: Because I will never get that smell out of the fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wn1fl/dirty_river/
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6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9 but why did 7 ate 9 ?

because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wn150/6_was_scared_of_7_because_7_8_9_but_why_did_7_ate/
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"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wmxry/mom_dont_freak_out_but_im_in_the_hospital/
%
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wmvt7/dating_in_your_30s_is_like_looking_for_a_parking/
%
My wife always pushes me around and talks behind my back.

Guess it's okay 'cause I'm a wheelchair user.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wmvio/my_wife_always_pushes_me_around_and_talks_behind/
%
So, I got married once..

To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. Wife isn't a hippy or anything and I'm not a huge fan, but fuck it, I promised her. Fast forward 10 years. Love comes back from school crying. I ask her what's wrong. Says she is being bullied because of her name. I cheer her up with some ice cream. Problem solved and best dad award achieved. Fast Forward 7 more years. Love has turned into a 9/10. She dresses normal. Always wears red nail polish. But she is shy, very shy. She is still mocked constantly because of her not so ordinary name. She comes home from school one day, obviously disturbed. I ask her if it's about her name. She says nothing and just kisses me on the cheek and leaves. First time she has kissed me since she was a baby. Just wasn't her thing. Then, I hear my wife pulling in. She is home early from work. I hear the door open from daughter's room. The door then opens from garage. Loud blast goes off directly behind me. I fall to the ground. Wife looks at me and screams. I look down and see bullet through my chest. Love says something about her name. I look up at my still beautiful wife and I say: Shot through the heart And you're to blame You gave Love ...a bad name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wmqwt/so_i_got_married_once/
%
What happened when the frog parked illegally?

It got toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wmpws/what_happened_when_the_frog_parked_illegally/
%
Some sicko stole my anti-depressants.

Whoever it was, I hope your happy now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wmpfb/some_sicko_stole_my_antidepressants/
%
I got fired for having a stroke at my desk in work.

Outrageous! I didn't even get to climax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wmk5a/i_got_fired_for_having_a_stroke_at_my_desk_in_work/
%
I owe money to the ghost of a banker.

He tried to repossess my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wmemo/i_owe_money_to_the_ghost_of_a_banker/
%
What did the suicide bombers' teacher told their students in the practical lesson?

Pay attention, because I'll teach you guys ONLY ONCE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wmbuy/what_did_the_suicide_bombers_teacher_told_their/
%
A Son named feather...

A son named Feather went up to his mother and asked, "mom, why did you name me Feather?", she answered "because when you were born, a feather fell onto your head"
After this, her next son, Paper asked "mom, why did you name me Paper?" she responded "because when you were born, a paper fell onto your head"
Finally, her last son, Brick asked "IOJNASOJNKSA DFIJNSFDMNOJIK SDVIJ NADFJI N KASBIU?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wmb9c/a_son_named_feather/
%
Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wm8qo/give_a_man_a_gun_and_hell_rob_a_bank/
%
Did you hear about the man who paid to enter a marathon?

They gave him a run for his money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wm647/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_paid_to_enter_a/
%
I was waiting for a girl to make a move on me, but it was taking her too long

Then I found out she was a Chess Player

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wm1kh/i_was_waiting_for_a_girl_to_make_a_move_on_me_but/
%
A dragon would never explode

But a dino might

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wlzi6/a_dragon_would_never_explode/
%
A prostitute has a problem...

There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.
Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked, and she seeked the advice of a surgeon.
"Sure, we can reduce the amount of external flesh and create a more aesthetically appealing area in the process. Just know that the procedure will result in a lengthy healing process," the doctor said after a thorough examination.
"Please, doctor. I need this," the woman said.
The procedure went very successfully. No complications, sutures in the right places, everything was shaping up to heal quicker than expected.
When the woman woke up, she had 3 bouquets next to her bed. The first was a modest 6 roses and a card. The card read "To my daughter, I hope your recovery is swift. We may have our differences, but I will always love you. - Mom." The second bouquet was 2 dozen beautiful roses and also had a card. This card read "I can't wait to see that delicious slot when it's healed. I'll triple the usual rate to have first crack at it! - #1 John." There was a third bouquet that had a dozen roses, a dozen daffodils, a dozen sunflowers, and 2 dozen lillies, and countless protea blooms. But there was no card accompanying it.
Her doctor came in to follow up on the surgery and after examining her, she said "Excuse me, doc? I know who these two gifts came from, but there wasn't a card for the third. I don't know who to thank for the gesture. Would you happen to know who sent these?"
The doctor smiled and looked at his feet, as if slightly embarrassed. "Well, ma'am. When we copied your ID for record keeping, we saw you were an organ donor. Those flowers are from someone on the 4th floor burn ward. They wanted to thank you for their new ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wlyhc/a_prostitute_has_a_problem/
%
Buying cigarettes has become quite difficult lately.

My dad is trying to get some for over two years now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wly14/buying_cigarettes_has_become_quite_difficult/
%
There once was a heated debate between two groups of art students

One group wanted two draw a necklace and one group wanted to draw a scarf. They decided that the only way to make a decision was by taking a vote so that's what they did.
In the end, they drew a tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wlrpf/there_once_was_a_heated_debate_between_two_groups/
%
I don't hate lazy people anymore.

Found someone else who does it for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wlowu/i_dont_hate_lazy_people_anymore/
%
Why is a camel called the ship of the desert?

Because it’s filled with Arab seamen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wlofg/why_is_a_camel_called_the_ship_of_the_desert/
%
Peter Pan and Captain Hook agree to a truce. (LONG)

After years upon years of fighting, kidnapping/fairynapping, and pilfering, the two rivals decide to agree to a truce, as both are realizing that their hearts are no longer in the fight. They agree that Pan and the Lost Boys will stay mostly on the mainland, and Hook and the Pirates will stay out to sea, only coming to port for supplies at Tiger Lily's tribe. However, the only thing the two can't agree upon is how far Hook and crew will be able to venture inland for trade. Hook wants to be able to go to the village proper, and Pan thinks they should only be allowed on the area where they dock.
To settle this, they agree to a debate, with the Chief as the moderator. Pan consults the Darling children, the Lost Boys, the mermaids... anyone he can think of to support his argument. Hook consults with Smee and his crew.
Finally, the day arrives and Pan eloquently delivers his point of view, countering each of Hook's points brilliantly and in a way that would make Michael Darling quite proud. However, at the end of it all, Hook merely snarls, sticks out his tongue and smirks knowingly at the Chief.
Surprisingly, the Chief sides with Hook and allows him into the village, to the dismay of Pan and Tiger Lily. After Hook leaves smugly, Pan walks up to the Chief. "Chief," he says, " I thought I had done really well today, using words to fight instead of my knife and hands. Everyone in the crowd appears to have been on my side. Tell me... what did Hook say that convinced you?"
The Chief looked at Pan and, after a moment's thought, replied "Well, on one hand, you did have a very good argument and countered his points skillfully. On the other hand, Hook had a point."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wlkcu/peter_pan_and_captain_hook_agree_to_a_truce_long/
%
Why did Hank Hill like UFC?

Because he was pro pain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wlit0/why_did_hank_hill_like_ufc/
%
Iraqi General

One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.
"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...
"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of hissoldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...
"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.
"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wlhs2/iraqi_general/
%
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wld2x/what_word_becomes_shorter_when_you_add_two/
%
No wonder reddit is so liberal

It has a 99% recycling rate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wlauz/no_wonder_reddit_is_so_liberal/
%
Uncommon commonality NSFW

What do rattlesnakes and condoms have in common?
They are two things that I don't fuck with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wl8cp/uncommon_commonality_nsfw/
%
A man goes to see his psychiatrist because of a dream he keeps on having.

"Every night I go to sleep I dream of a group of cats playing soccer in my backyard," The man says. "I don't know what it means... I lover soccer, but I hate cats."
"Well," said the doctor. "I'm not sure what your dreams mean, either. But if they're bothering you so much, I can prescribe you medication that'll stop the dreams in no time."
"That's great," said the man, "but is it OK if I waited a week before I started taking them?"
"Why do you want to wait a week?" asked the doctor.
"The finals start tomorrow and I want to see who's going to win."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wl6f2/a_man_goes_to_see_his_psychiatrist_because_of_a/
%
You think you are introverted?

Wait until you never meet me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wl5s3/you_think_you_are_introverted/
%
The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wl1x3/the_husband_leans_over_and_asks_his_wife/
%
What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe?

Kilometer Cyrus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wkyvx/what_do_they_call_miley_cyrus_in_europe/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wkyh9/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
What do you get if you cross a donkey with and onion?

Well 99 times out of hundred you get an onion with grey floppy ears, but that 100th time-- when the moon is full and the tides are just right--  you get a perfect piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wkyal/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_donkey_with_and/
%
I managed to achieve my personal best yesterday of holding my breath underwater for an incredible 8 minutes and 42 seconds!

It all started at my local swimming pool when a woman shouted out to her husband, "That's him, over there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wky08/i_managed_to_achieve_my_personal_best_yesterday/
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Smoking Grannies

Two old ladies are waiting at a bus stop, while smoking.  All of a sudden it starts to rain, so the first old lady tosses her cigarette into the trash.  The second lady, however, keeps smoking.  She reaches into her purse, pulls out a condom, opens the package, and just slips it onto her cigarette and keeps puffing away on her newly waterproofed deathstick.  *That's quite nifty,* the first old lady muses*.  I need to try that myself.*
The very next day, the first old lady goes to her local pharmacy, walks up to the counter and says in a croaking voice "I'd like to buy some condoms."
"OK," says the young clerk behind the counter.  "What size do you need?"
"Big enough to fit a Camel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wkux8/smoking_grannies/
%
A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment.

She asks "How do you find the Americans, Donald?"
"Mother," says Donald, "they're such noisy people. One neighbor won't stop banging his head against the wall, and the other screams and screams all night long."
"Oh. Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?"
"What can I do? I just lay in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wkt8i/a_scottish_mother_visits_her_son_in_his_new_york/
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How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wkoe5/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Why don’t conservatives use conditioner on their hair?

Because the bottle says “Apply liberally”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wkn51/why_dont_conservatives_use_conditioner_on_their/
%
Due to growing environmentalist concerns, Germany and Austria decided to limit the amount of ores and minerals they were extracting from the ground.

They said, "Mine fewer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wklsb/due_to_growing_environmentalist_concerns_germany/
%
I look a lot nicer with my glasses off

because I can’t see my damn face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wkk2f/i_look_a_lot_nicer_with_my_glasses_off/
%
To all of the single women out there, I on behalf of millions of other men agree that the slogan "a best way to a man's heart is his stomach"...

should not be interpreted by vegans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wkhtj/to_all_of_the_single_women_out_there_i_on_behalf/
%
Everyone is on Trump for avoiding the WWI Memorial because of rain, but it was really Melania who didn’t want to go.

She doesn’t remember what it’s like to be wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wkd1w/everyone_is_on_trump_for_avoiding_the_wwi/
%
'How to break up with your girlfriend: a two step process'

Step 1: take off your glasses
Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wkcl5/how_to_break_up_with_your_girlfriend_a_two_step/
%
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.

He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wk7fg/my_dad_first_talked_to_me_about_sex_when_i_was/
%
What do you get when you mix human DNA with whale DNA?

Kicked out of Sea World

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wk5ya/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_human_dna_with_whale/
%
Taxidermist

A taxidermist was traveling for a job in a rural area, and stopped off for a meal at a local bar and grill. After entering all eyes were on him, and he felt quite uncomfortable so he hurried to the bar to place an order to go, when he turned around he was surrounded with hillbillies glaring. The leader says "what are you doing here stranger"? Taxidermist replies nervously, "I'm a Taxidermist I'm here for work" the glares intensify, " a taxidermist! What the hell is that"? The taxidermist goes " I stuff and mount animals" the hillbilly breaks into a wide grin " it's all cool boys he's one of us"!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wk4g4/taxidermist/
%
How do blind people start a word search?

Usually by getting a feel for it first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wk3ac/how_do_blind_people_start_a_word_search/
%
Hitler wasn't so bad.

I mean, he killed Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wk2sl/hitler_wasnt_so_bad/
%
what do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?

irrelephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjzi9/what_do_you_call_an_elephant_that_doesnt_matter/
%
I plopped out a turd that looked like the leaning tower

It was a Pisa shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjxm1/i_plopped_out_a_turd_that_looked_like_the_leaning/
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[not OC] Anal sex is like spinach

If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably dont like it as an adult, either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjv6q/not_oc_anal_sex_is_like_spinach/
%
What's a duck's favorite thing to smoke?

Quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjuey/whats_a_ducks_favorite_thing_to_smoke/
%
What did one window maker say to the other who was having a tough day?

No pane no gain!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjt91/what_did_one_window_maker_say_to_the_other_who/
%
A man goes into a car wash with a semi truck and comes out in a pickup truck

Everyone was confused what happened and they all asked the man what he thought had happened to his truck. He simply shrugged and said, “What can I say, it shrunk in the wash.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjrpy/a_man_goes_into_a_car_wash_with_a_semi_truck_and/
%
“Officer, how did the hackers manage to escape?”

“No clue. They just ransomware.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjro1/officer_how_did_the_hackers_manage_to_escape/
%
A husband and his wife are lying in bed.

The husband says: “I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
The wife thinks for a moment, then says: “You have the biggest penis out of all of your friends.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjqph/a_husband_and_his_wife_are_lying_in_bed/
%
[NSFW] If a deaf person gives a handjob...

Is it oral sex?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjowg/nsfw_if_a_deaf_person_gives_a_handjob/
%
What do lawyers do when they die?

Lie still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjoqv/what_do_lawyers_do_when_they_die/
%
A family holds a reunion and decides to run a lemonade stand.

The mother was an architect, the father was a computer scientist, the son was a business owner, and the daughter was a prostitute. The family held a reunion and decided that a great bonding exercise would be to run a lemonade stand.
The family split tasks when designing the lemonade stand. The mother designed it, the father made an excel program to map results, the son ran the whole thing, and the daughter dressed up in fancy clothes to attract buyers.
Then, the lemonade stand started getting money. So the mother made all the lemonade, the father gave it out to customers, the daughter was counting the money, and the son managed everything.
Eventually, the son was realizing that the excel sheet was pretty behind and there was a lot of money left to be counted. So the son asked, "How come my sister is counting the money? She's an idiot!"
The father leaned over to him and said, "Look, son, it's the thot that counts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjn2n/a_family_holds_a_reunion_and_decides_to_run_a/
%
New announcement about Stan Lee's funeral

It will feature a cameo appearance by Stan Lee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjmg0/new_announcement_about_stan_lees_funeral/
%
So after winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.

Apparently, this is unacceptable in bowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjjhj/so_after_winning_the_game_i_decided_to_throw_the/
%
The sign on a plastic surgery clinic reads...

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can turn them into melons.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjj1t/the_sign_on_a_plastic_surgery_clinic_reads/
%
What do you call a banana from the future?

Bañana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wji5r/what_do_you_call_a_banana_from_the_future/
%
I hopped on a bus today.

After 5 minutes, the driver told me to sit down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjgdy/i_hopped_on_a_bus_today/
%
You know what winds me up

it's not people that say ectcetera when they mean etcetera, tenderhooks instead of tenterhooks or even asterix instead of asterisk .
It's people who say the travelling community when they mean thieving pikey bastards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjg2n/you_know_what_winds_me_up/
%
A German midget jumped into the river yesterday to save my precious little dog who was drowning...

...After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "Here is ze dog, keep him warm, dry him off and he vil be fine"...
...I said to him "Are you a little vet?"
He replied "A little vet?"..... "I'm fucking soaked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjf9a/a_german_midget_jumped_into_the_river_yesterday/
%
Whats the best gadget to locate furniture in the dark?

Your pinkie toe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjeou/whats_the_best_gadget_to_locate_furniture_in_the/
%
Three couples are trying to get married.

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wjaty/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married/
%
Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the law?

A: A small medium at large.
(You did ask)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wj216/q_what_do_you_call_a_midget_fortuneteller_on_the/
%
The Queen of England

was visiting one of London's top hospitals  recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a  male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The  doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man  has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with  semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he  would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wj1in/the_queen_of_england/
%
A blind man enters a bakery

and orders fifty sesame seed buns, the baker starts putting them in a bag and asks the blind man ‘that’s a lot of bread, are you giving a party or something?’ ‘Oh no,’ replies the blind man, ‘I’m going on holiday, and I want to read them on the plane’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wiz32/a_blind_man_enters_a_bakery/
%
R.I.P. Stan Lee

Dying: The final thing Jack Kirby did first, but Stan Lee gets all the attention for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wixrd/rip_stan_lee/
%
My sex life is like the Sahara desert.

It’s basically just intolerable heat, two palms, no dates and lots of emptiness.
(OC)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wiu55/my_sex_life_is_like_the_sahara_desert/
%
I don’t often tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9witvg/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
%
Talking to my friend about his self diagnosis

Him: "It's scoliosis."
Me: "How do you know?"
Him: "I have a hunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wisuf/talking_to_my_friend_about_his_self_diagnosis/
%
A man finds a luxurious fur glove

Trying to reach its owner, he posts an advertisement.
Attention! If you have lost a fur glove...
...can you please give me the other one too?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wisr6/a_man_finds_a_luxurious_fur_glove/
%
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth II are having a meeting...

During the meeting, the Queen brags about how, by simply moving her hand she can make everyone in England happy for a few minutes.
The Pope asks her to do this. Then, she waves her hand and everyone cheers.
The Pope then says, "by moving my hand, I can make all the people in Ireland happy forever." The Queen, astonished asked him to do this.
So, the Pope slapped her across the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wipgq/the_pope_and_queen_elizabeth_ii_are_having_a/
%
"You're The Only Love For Me", My Girlfriend Told Me...

I was so happy, but then I remembered that she was a tennis player.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wipdf/youre_the_only_love_for_me_my_girlfriend_told_me/
%
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, "What's wrong?"

The boy says, "Me ma is dead."
"Oh bejaysus," the man replies. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"
The boys says, "No tanks mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wilzh/an_irish_boy_stands_crying_at_the_side_of_the/
%
They say that a mans dick can be gauged by the size of his feet.

Probably explains why my daughter is always bringing fucking clowns home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wij88/they_say_that_a_mans_dick_can_be_gauged_by_the/
%
[nsfw] 2 men at the bar

2 men at the bar sit and talk about mariage and sex.
1st man: So do you ever take your wife in the other hole to spice things up?
2nd man: are you crazy??? I would risk getting her pregnant!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wigux/nsfw_2_men_at_the_bar/
%
What did the generous pirate captain tell his crew?

The loot is arrrrrs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wieaw/what_did_the_generous_pirate_captain_tell_his_crew/
%
What do you call a frog that is illegally parked?

Toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wi975/what_do_you_call_a_frog_that_is_illegally_parked/
%
Sometimes I use big words that i dont fully understand

Just to make myself appear more PHOTOSYNTHESIS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wi7nw/sometimes_i_use_big_words_that_i_dont_fully/
%
My art is like communism.

Fantastic in theory, mediocre in practice, messy in result.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wi1up/my_art_is_like_communism/
%
A lot of my friends are not a fan of my cheesy jokes

I think they're just laughtose intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9whytv/a_lot_of_my_friends_are_not_a_fan_of_my_cheesy/
%
I chose not to vaccinate my kids...

... the ones that lived were fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9whuby/i_chose_not_to_vaccinate_my_kids/
%
My grand dad was a WW2 vet, he destroyed 12 Nazi aircraft aviators killing 45 German aviators

Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9whuaw/my_grand_dad_was_a_ww2_vet_he_destroyed_12_nazi/
%
Why are dogs big fans of Doctor Who?

Who let the dogs out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9whqrn/why_are_dogs_big_fans_of_doctor_who/
%
What do you get when you throw ungrateful kids in to a meat grinder?

Bratwurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9whp5r/what_do_you_get_when_you_throw_ungrateful_kids_in/
%
A gay deer walks out of a bar and says...

Hey! I just blew 50 bucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9whfqd/a_gay_deer_walks_out_of_a_bar_and_says/
%
A professor takes his class to a museum

A professor take this class to a museum. He goes on to tell the class about many art sculptures and the meaning behind each and every detail. All of a sudden a janitor appears calls out the professor for being wrong about his whole lecture. Shocked the professor says,
“Well if you think you know more than me then why don’t you teach the class.”
The janitor takes him up on his offer and walks the class through the museum, explaining the true meaning of each sculpture and the genius of the artists work as they walk though. The professor checks online to find that the janitor was 100% correct. At the end of the tour the professor apologizes and say,
“How on earth do you know so much?”
The janitor then says,
“Oh that’s easy, I majored art in college.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wheki/a_professor_takes_his_class_to_a_museum/
%
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9whdte/my_girlfriend_borrowed_100_from_me_after_3years/
%
What did the Spanglish Stan Lee say to the matador before the bullfight?

Excel,  Señor!
RIP Stan Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9whd40/what_did_the_spanglish_stan_lee_say_to_the/
%
I'm going to miss Stan Lee

He was a marvel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wh7lm/im_going_to_miss_stan_lee/
%
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.

They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers.
When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it.
When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it.
When they got to the third barrier, Thor took out Mjolnir and bopped a hole in it.
Then they got to the fourth wall, and Deadpool said, "Am I supposed to be the punchline to this joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wh4sf/one_day_deadpool_joined_the_avengers/
%
Two students go to physics exam.

The first goes in the class and the professor begins with the questions:
"
-lets say you are traveling by train and its getting hot. What will you do?
- Open the window. he answers.
- Very good - the professor continues.
The window has a surface of 1.5 m2, the compartment has a volume of 12 m3, the train speeds 80 km / h to the west, the south wind blowing at 5 m / s. How quickly will the space be refreshed?.."
The student does not know the answer and fails the exam.
He gets out and tells to the other student the question.
The second goes in, and the professor begins with the questions:
"
-Lets say u r traveling by train and getting hot. What will you do?
-take off the coat - answers the student.
"It's very hot!" Continues the professor.
-Take off my shirt and my vest.
-It's still hot! says irritating professor.
-take off the pants and socks.
"If someone comes and tries to rape you," said the very angry professor.
Student- let all the train fuck me, but i will not open the window! 😎😎

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wh4cr/two_students_go_to_physics_exam/
%
Don't know what to say.... XD

[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It's my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just...wait...
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I'm your husband!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wgwq7/dont_know_what_to_say_xd/
%
A dying greedy man, as his last wish, told his wife that he wanted all his money buried with him in his casket.

At the day of his burial, the wife asked the funeral workers to open his casket one last time and placed a big envelope inside, and then proceeded with the burial.
At the funeral reception, the wife's sister asked if she did put all the money in the casket.  To which the wife replied, "Of course!  I wrote him a check."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wgust/a_dying_greedy_man_as_his_last_wish_told_his_wife/
%
Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wgsot/why_cant_atheists_solve_exponential_equations/
%
How do you know if a mechanic has gotten laid lately?

They have one clean finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wgso6/how_do_you_know_if_a_mechanic_has_gotten_laid/
%
An astronomers wife asks what she can do to make herself look younger

He tells her “the farther away you are the younger you look”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wgnps/an_astronomers_wife_asks_what_she_can_do_to_make/
%
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive...

"I got to the door and couldn't jump" said Paddy.
"So the 6ft 7in black instructor stands behind me, unzips his fly and whips out his 14 inch monster, "if you don't jump, you're getting this up your arse" he says.
"Did you jump?" asks Mick.
"A little, when it first went in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wglce/paddy_was_telling_mick_about_his_first_sky_dive/
%
[nsfw][blonde] a girl came home from school

A girl came home happy from school.
"Mom, mom!!" She yelled.
Girl - “We had to count in school today and the other kids could only count to 4 but i could count to 10.”
Mom - “good job.”
Girl - “is that because i am a blonde.”
Mom - “yes my dear.”
The next day the girl came from school.
Girl - “Mom, mom, today we had to say the alphabet and the other kids could only get to D but i got all the way to G.”
Mom - “good.”
Girl - “is that because i am blonde?”
Mom - “sigh, yes it is.”
The next day the girl came home after school.
Girl - “Mom, mom, today we had gym class and when we changed after all the girls had flat chests but i have these!!!”
The girl lifts up her shirt without hesitation revealing a pair of size 85D breasts.
Mom replies somewhat embarrassed - “very nice”.
Girl - “is that because i am a blonde?”
Mom - “No my dear!!! That is because you are 24 years old and the rest of your class is 6 years old!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wgi15/nsfwblonde_a_girl_came_home_from_school/
%
John gets a bee sting on his dick.

He and wife go to the doctor. As the doctor is finishing up, wife takes him to the side and says - can you only give medication for the pain and leave the swelling as it is ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wgc5w/john_gets_a_bee_sting_on_his_dick/
%
A dog named Minton ate my shuttlecock...

Bad Minton!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wgal1/a_dog_named_minton_ate_my_shuttlecock/
%
They say those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones...

Or masturbate in the day time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wg8s9/they_say_those_in_glass_houses_shouldnt_throw/
%
One of the things I look for in a girl is a love for pasta

Because eating pasta by yourself can get cannelloni

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wg813/one_of_the_things_i_look_for_in_a_girl_is_a_love/
%
I lost my virginity.

I put it somewhere around here...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wg4xg/i_lost_my_virginity/
%
A man went for a penis enlargement operation

The next day his friend asked him if it was painful. The man replied, "Nah, I just remember a little prick... But now it's much larger!"
Credit to my fiance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wg217/a_man_went_for_a_penis_enlargement_operation/
%
What do call a swimmer with no arms or legs?

Bob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wg05q/what_do_call_a_swimmer_with_no_arms_or_legs/
%
Do you know why I hate speed, distance and time?

Because it’s so t = d/s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wfyfs/do_you_know_why_i_hate_speed_distance_and_time/
%
I don't think I'm strong enough anymore for my job as a personal trainer

So I guess I'll hand in my too weak notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wfokb/i_dont_think_im_strong_enough_anymore_for_my_job/
%
What did the constipated mathematician do?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wfo9l/what_did_the_constipated_mathematician_do/
%
If Freddie Mercury transmitted HIV to someone...

...Was it considered Mercury poisoning?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wfl2h/if_freddie_mercury_transmitted_hiv_to_someone/
%
I know I shouldn't text and drive

But I just get so bored when I'm drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wfg37/i_know_i_shouldnt_text_and_drive/
%
My friend was just crushed by a bunch of books!

I guess he only has his shelf to blame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wfev2/my_friend_was_just_crushed_by_a_bunch_of_books/
%
I was talking to my wife the other day about reincarnation.

She asked "what actually is reincarnation?"
I said to her, "well, its when you die and come back as something completely different."
"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed!!
I said, "you"re not listening are you.....?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wfdwf/i_was_talking_to_my_wife_the_other_day_about/
%
My dad and I walk into the bathroom.

Dad: So did they tell you about this place?
Me: No, what do they say?
Dad: I hear this is where the dicks hang out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wfck1/my_dad_and_i_walk_into_the_bathroom/
%
Louise Braille walked into a bar...

Then a table, and then a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wfbn5/louise_braille_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the Nazi soldier who became an animal doctor?

He was a veteran Aryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wfaw0/did_you_hear_about_the_nazi_soldier_who_became_an/
%
A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".
The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wfa5d/a_boy_goes_up_to_a_girl_and_says_hey_baby_whats_up/
%
When is alcohol ever a solution?

When you're a chemist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wf75h/when_is_alcohol_ever_a_solution/
%
A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising.

"world famous punch!"the man thinks, "awesome! I love punch!" he approaches the bartender and asks, "hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"
the bartender replies, "sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."
the man looks around and doesn't see anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wf621/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_notices_a_sign/
%
What do you call an Irish Garden Chair?

Paddy O’Furniture...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wf5ma/what_do_you_call_an_irish_garden_chair/
%
What’s the difference between a feminist and a gun?

You can’t fire a feminist and get away with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wey2p/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
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Cat scan

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wewtp/cat_scan/
%
Two priests were driving in a car and got pulled over.

The police officer said “Hello gentleman, we are looking for two child molesters” the two priests talk quietly to them selves for a moment the turn the the officer and one of them says “Alright Officer we will do it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wev76/two_priests_were_driving_in_a_car_and_got_pulled/
%
A guy walks into the doctors office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"

"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."
The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going
to have to stop masturbating for a little while."
"Why?" asks the man.
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wesc0/a_guy_walks_into_the_doctors_office_and_says_doc/
%
Calcium got fired from the bank today.

They say he could only deposit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9werp7/calcium_got_fired_from_the_bank_today/
%
Why are farmers, who take good inventory of their cows, so efficient at chemical reactions?

Because they have a cattle list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wephl/why_are_farmers_who_take_good_inventory_of_their/
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What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wekam/what_do_you_call_the_worlds_most_famous_oil/
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A Czechoslovakian and Soviet were hunting in the woods

It had been sometime since they were last seen and people were starting to worry about them. A week had passed and a search party was deployed.
The search wasn’t going well until one tracker found some bear scat with a handkerchief that was thought to belong to the Soviet hunter.
A few days passed by when the trackers spotted a giant female bear near the same area. The team decided it was best to shoot the female bear and see if they could find any evidence of the hunters. Sure enough, they gutted it and found the remains of the Soviet inside.
Without much deliberation they figured the Czech is in the male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wejcv/a_czechoslovakian_and_soviet_were_hunting_in_the/
%
Some day I'm going to provide everyone with free eye care. you'll see.

YOU'LL ALL SEE!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wefbw/some_day_im_going_to_provide_everyone_with_free/
%
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.

The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it.  The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wef1v/a_detective_was_interviewing_the_victim_of_an/
%
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wedyh/i_trapped_a_couple_of_vegans_in_my_basement/
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A vegan told me : "People who sell meat are disgusting."

I replied : "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wedn5/a_vegan_told_me_people_who_sell_meat_are/
%
Pollen:

When flowers can't keep it in their plants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wea6d/pollen/
%
What do you call hookers in the North Pole?

Frostitutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9we996/what_do_you_call_hookers_in_the_north_pole/
%
I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is gonna happen.

I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9we64u/im_reading_a_horror_story_in_braille_something/
%
An escort goes to the hospital

She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous.
She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?”
The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?”
She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve been working as a prostitute since I was eighteen.”
“I see... and how old are you now?” He Enquired.
“Thirty four - but may I ask where this is going?” She replied anxiously.
“Well,” said the surgeon after some thought, “if you haven’t rejected an organ for the last sixteen years, it’s unlikely that you’ll start now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9we4tf/an_escort_goes_to_the_hospital/
%
Why is a group of crows called a "murder"?

because there's probable caws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9we1rv/why_is_a_group_of_crows_called_a_murder/
%
Did you hear the one about the blind carpenter?

He was cured when he picked up his hammer and saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9we1gq/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_blind_carpenter/
%
I look up to my grandfather as a national hero

He did many great thing, he was a soldier in ww1 and even killed hitler in ww2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9we1ga/i_look_up_to_my_grandfather_as_a_national_hero/
%
I got fired from my job at a bank today

Turns out that sperm is only collected from our clients and they don't like when I ask if they're here to make a withdrawal or deposit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdzcy/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_a_bank_today/
%
What do you call a mexican who lost his car?

Carloss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdz7v/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
My girlfriend’s brother got fired from a bank yesterday and he won’t explain why.

When she asked why he got fired, he said he couldn’t teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdz6e/my_girlfriends_brother_got_fired_from_a_bank/
%
I'm going to divorce my controlling wife

When she lets me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdy5d/im_going_to_divorce_my_controlling_wife/
%
Scarecrow: This job isn't for everyone...

...but hay, it's in my jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdryx/scarecrow_this_job_isnt_for_everyone/
%
What does Patrick Stewart use to keep the fire going?

Captains log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdqnd/what_does_patrick_stewart_use_to_keep_the_fire/
%
Please stop the hate on the lazy people

They didn’t do anything at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdoc8/please_stop_the_hate_on_the_lazy_people/
%
I bought a 12 year old scotch the other day

Her parents wernt happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdmkc/i_bought_a_12_year_old_scotch_the_other_day/
%
When i was young, i think i ate to much of Rice Krispies

Because all my body does now is snap, crackle and pop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdmc0/when_i_was_young_i_think_i_ate_to_much_of_rice/
%
I just bought an expensive car, and found out the reverse gear was broken right after I drove out.

There’s no going back now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdlo9/i_just_bought_an_expensive_car_and_found_out_the/
%
I made an insensitive Asian joke...

And they won't Reddit go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdkuv/i_made_an_insensitive_asian_joke/
%
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdgsa/during_a_visit_to_the_mental_asylum_i_asked_the/
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What do you call a smiley with short, blonde hair?

Smiley Cyrus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdgc4/what_do_you_call_a_smiley_with_short_blonde_hair/
%
Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks

They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.
The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdf98/two_lawyers_went_into_a_diner_and_decided_to/
%
I asked ny friend from north Korea whats it like there

He looked me dead in the eyes and said as serious as you can be,
"Can't complain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wddfj/i_asked_ny_friend_from_north_korea_whats_it_like/
%
High school student James is in first period.

The teacher isn't there on time. A few minutes passed, and she still hasn't arrived yet. James kinda figured, while the teacher was away, he ought to keep writing his novel he's been working on, about cats. James' dream is to become a big shot writer with the desire to have a best-seller. He's written and sent in books before, but no luck. He's tried written short stories, children's stories, poems, and even a few attempted novels. However, none of those were considered good enough to publish.
However, this next story that he has planned, he figures it's gonna be HUGE. It's the story about a runaway cat, told from a first-person view of the cat himself. The cat is supposedly trying to figure out how to return home, and how to survive. After giving it much thought, and after receiving the feedback from the other failed attempts, he decided to put his all into his book. It'll be a smash hit.
After about fifteen minutes, the teacher finally shows up to first period. The teacher apologizes, "Sorry, I'm late. My dumbass boyfriend doesn't know how to properly set an alarm clock." Upon hearing those words, a light bulb suddenly went off in James' head. Boyfriend... clock... that's it! That's the perfect story!
During class, he decided to try and take notes as to the concept of the book in itself. So far, he has the idea of a guy falling in love with an analog clock, something about how digital clocks are about to go outdated, and that he feels nostalgic by them and doesn't want them to fade away... that's what he's come up with so far. Yeah. A story about a guy that has a sexual relationship with an analog clock.
It's a strange story, he knows, but he feels it's quite an original story, to the point where it will definitely put him over the top, WAY more than his cat story he's been working on. Once he gets home, he puts way more time and effort coming up with the characters, the plot details, and so on and so forth. Finally, by the time he has to go to sleep, he's already completed two chapters.
A few weeks later, he's already completed the book. He's so excited about what he's written, where he feels like a big shot. He feels this will definitely be the book that brings him to success. It's well-written, has great structure, and he feels that he wrote the main character enough to where you'd actually empathize with his romantic relationship about the clock, and why exactly he wanted to marry the clock in the first place. He titles the book "Holding Hands".
He sends it in to the first publishing company. A few days later, he gets a call, saying that it was one of the worst things they've ever read. Feeling distraught by this, he decides to try again with a different publishing company. However, a few weeks later, he's given the exact same statement, that it was terrible. He tries over and over again, but nothing really seems to happen.
Finally, he decides to give it one last shot. One more publishing company, and if they reject it, he'll scrap the book entirely and possibly resume the cat story that he originally had his eyes on. He sends it in, and... no one contacts him. Days later, not a word. Weeks pass, months. A few years, even. By this point, James has already graduated high school and went to college for writing. His cat story was also rejected, but hopefully he'll be able to write a masterpiece once he graduates and gets his degree.
By now, he's also married and has a child on the way. Suddenly, out of the blue, his phone rings. He couldn't believe it. It was the publishing company from a few years back! He answers the phone. "Hello?" A woman answers, "Hello, is this James?" He affirms. She says to him, "I'm just calling to let you know that we've recently read your book you sent us, "Holding Hands"."
He says, "Yeah. It's about fucking time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wdbfe/high_school_student_james_is_in_first_period/
%
What do Kermit's fingers smell of?

Bacon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wd9b8/what_do_kermits_fingers_smell_of/
%
[NSFW] Allah is probably the true god.

Because the universe started with an explosion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wd5rr/nsfw_allah_is_probably_the_true_god/
%
I just got a free meal in Pizza Hut.

They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wd3w9/i_just_got_a_free_meal_in_pizza_hut/
%
What type of sweet does a banker keep in his wastecoat?

InvestMints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wd1h8/what_type_of_sweet_does_a_banker_keep_in_his/
%
A farmer gets a letter

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.
"Dear Ronald J. Kse,
This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.
Thanks, your neighbors"
Now, Ronald had really enjoyed last year's party, so he was delighted to be the host for this year.
After a grand day of eating, drinking, and merrymaking, All of Ronald's neighbors left - without helping clean up.
"That's fine, its just one party, and I've done the same other years" said Ron.
Fast forward the next year, Ron was looking forward to this year's harvest, and the celebration that would follow.
After attending this year's anonymous vote, he gets another letter in the mail.
"Dear Mr. Kse,
After the amazing time everyone had last year, the vote was decided again for you to be the host! We look forward to seeing you again, and thank you."
Ron sighs, but thinks "Yeah, last year's party was pretty great. I guess the cleanup wasn't too bad. No worries."
Again, he gathered with his neighbors, and they feasted and drank themselves silly... but there were twice as many people this year. Friends, family, friends of family were all invited...
The cleanup was far worse this year. "But," Ron thought, "there's no way I'll get it three years in a row."
Next year, Ron's sister was visiting, and went with him to check the mail. She handed him a very lavish envelope, garnished with golden filigree and laden with caligraphy.
She exclaimed "Wow! This is beautiful! It must be something very wonderful and important!"
"No... I've seen this before... It's another fucking reap host..." said R. Joe Kse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wd0pv/a_farmer_gets_a_letter/
%
What do Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Saville have in common?

They both like shafting miners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wd0pu/what_do_margaret_thatcher_and_jimmy_saville_have/
%
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer.

He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob.
The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba."
Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over," said Billy-Joe.
The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Dat ain't Bubba."
"How can you tell?" asked the mortician.
"Cause Bubba had two assholes," replied Billy-Joe.
"Two assholes? That's impossible!" said the mortician.
"Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two assholes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wcyjk/bubba_got_drunk_and_died_in_a_fire_in_his_trailer/
%
Why was the clock salesman bored?

He had too much time on his hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wcy03/why_was_the_clock_salesman_bored/
%
A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, he complied and returned the next day with an apple, an orange, and a Mars Bar.
The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. With one deft motion, the Doctor rammed the apple up the guy's arse, swiftly followed by the orange and the Mars Bar. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, I want to see you here at the same time every day for the rest of the week, and bring another orange, apple and Mars Bar." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.
All week the same routine ensued. First, the doctor rammed up an apple, then an orange, and then a Mars Bar
After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in an apple, and orange and a hammer."
"No Mars Bar?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.
"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.
On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the apple, and up went the orange.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.
Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's arse.
"WHERE'S MY FUCKING MARS BAR??"
"WHAM!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wctj3/a_man_walked_into_his_doctors_office/
%
Do you know on the Canary Islands there is not one Canary and on the Virgin Islands

same thing not one canary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wcr13/do_you_know_on_the_canary_islands_there_is_not/
%
I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop. He just sat there, drinking coffee...

Like a psychopath...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wcpll/i_saw_this_guy_today_at_starbucks_no_iphone_no/
%
"I'm so lucky to have you." I said. "You support me, take my shit and let me hug you when I'm drunk."

I love my toilet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wcn78/im_so_lucky_to_have_you_i_said_you_support_me/
%
A Lawyer needs some time off, and he decides to go hunting...

He's in the woods, looking for sport fowl, and he's having no luck. All of a sudden, this glorious pheasant flies up out of the undergrowth, and flies high over the treeline. With careful aim, the lawyer pulls the trigger and BOOM, the pheasant drops like a stone, out of the edge of the woods, and the lawyer goes to find it.
He sees it lying in a field, in front of a farm house. Knowing the rules, he walks confidently over to the farmhouse to ask the land-owner's permission, before he removes it. The farmer opens the door to him, and the lawyer begins well:
"Sir, I'm a lawyer, taking some time off, and I happen to have shot a rather magnificent pheasant over your land. Now, I am a lawyer, and as such I know that I'm supposed to ask you - the landowner's - permission before I retrieve it. I was wondering if you'd be a good sport and let me have it?"
The farmer says nothing for a bit, and then replies:
"Well, it's a fine enough pheasant, and it is my land, but I'll tell you what. We'll play RoShamBo for it. Winner keeps it."
The lawyer is puzzled, and says "roshambo? I'm afraid we must not have covered that at any of the prestigious lawschools I attended while studying, or in my many years practicing as a highly accomplished lawyer. What are the rules?"
The farmer replies "well, we take it in turns to kick each other in the nuts, and whoever gives up first, loses."
The Lawyer doesn't really want to play, but he does really want his prize shot. He reluctantly agrees, and asks who goes first. The farmer says "I do, since it's my land."
The farmer tells the lawyer to widen his stance a little, and then backs up 10 steps or so. Then the farmer comes running, and his big right boot swings back, like a champion goalkicker. It smashes into the Lawyer's crotch at huge velocity, lifting the lawyer high off the ground, yelling in agony, and the lawyer collapses in a heap on the porch. After several minutes of groaning, aching, sobbing, and trying to muster the strength to stand back up again, the lawyer eventually struggles to his feet. "All right" he says, "It's my turn now".
The farmer turns away, shuts the door and calls out "Nah, you can keep the pheasant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wcf95/a_lawyer_needs_some_time_off_and_he_decides_to_go/
%
Called the rape advice hotline.

Turns out they only help victims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wcebo/called_the_rape_advice_hotline/
%
What's the difference between an American soldier and a Muslim?

Conservatives spend a lot of money getting the Muslims out of the streets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wc6pw/whats_the_difference_between_an_american_soldier/
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What does a frog say when they see a repost on Reddit?

Reddit Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wc62z/what_does_a_frog_say_when_they_see_a_repost_on/
%
If women knew how much I had, they wouldn't call me ugly.

They would call me ugly AND poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wc4gw/if_women_knew_how_much_i_had_they_wouldnt_call_me/
%
A man gets struck by lightning, you won't believe what happens next

Because believe me when I say this, you will find the results shocking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wbtct/a_man_gets_struck_by_lightning_you_wont_believe/
%
What do you call someone from Israel that has to sneeze?

A Jew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wbsdy/what_do_you_call_someone_from_israel_that_has_to/
%
Father ”Son, you were adopted“.

Son: “what I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father:”We are your biological parents.Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wbs7o/father_son_you_were_adopted/
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I bought a litre of Tipp-ex at the weekend.

Big mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wbr1m/i_bought_a_litre_of_tippex_at_the_weekend/
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I wanted to hire a singing group for a wedding

So I called an event planning company (EPC) and asked them about the rates.
Me - How much to hire a singing group?
EPC -  Oh, you mean a choir?
Me - Uhhhhh fine, how much to acquire a singing group ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wbqp2/i_wanted_to_hire_a_singing_group_for_a_wedding/
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What do you call a guy carrying a lot of bins?

Bin-Laden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wbn59/what_do_you_call_a_guy_carrying_a_lot_of_bins/
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People treat me as like as Almighty God ..

They ignore my real existence unless & until they need something..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wbktw/people_treat_me_as_like_as_almighty_god/
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Why did the can crusher quit his job?

It was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wbjw9/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
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A man walked into a bar. The bartender asked him "so, why the long face?"

The man said, "Well, my grandpa died. We had the funeral yesterday".
"Oh, I'm so sorry", said the bartender. "Here, have this one on the house".
"Well thanks, but that's not all," said the man. "You see, today morning, his will was read. I used to think that I was his favorite, but then he left $15,000 each to Peter, John, and Alice. Me, I just got his suitcase. It had some old trinkets that I sold for less than $1,000."
"Is that all? That's not nice. There must have been something else!", the bartender said.
"Yeah, yeah, there was his old Bible too. His prized possession that he won't let anyone even touch. Well, I opened it, and it was full of gibberish. Printed by some guy 'Gutenberg'. I was so irritated that I tossed it away".
"No way," said the bartender. "An authentic Gutenberg bible? They are worth a lot of money!"
"No, not this one," said the man. "Some fellow named Martin Luther King, Jr. had scribbled his notes all over it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wbg0k/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_the_bartender_asked_him/
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The names Bond...

I am writing the next James Bond movie. In order to thwart Bonds womanizing means of infiltration, the latest evil mastermind has employed an army of devout nuns.
I am calling it, Hymen’s Are Forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wbf83/the_names_bond/
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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'
'Yes' replied the old man.
Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last time'
'Impossible!!' she bellowed.
The old man looks her straight in the eye and says 'Last time, when I landed on D Day in 1944, I couldn't find a fucking Frenchman to give it to'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wbenr/an_old_man_is_at_passport_control_in_paris/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wbdqa/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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I make clothes faster than anyone

Call me Tailor Swift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wb5e3/i_make_clothes_faster_than_anyone/
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About a decade ago, Pope John Paul was visiting a convent of nuns, Our Sisters of the Immaculate Conception.

The whole place was so excited about his visit.
Mother Kate put Sister Margaret in charge of getting the finest fish for the dinner with the pope.
Sister Margaret took her task solemnly, and went to the market to get the best catch of the day.
“Good morning, sir. I’d like 12 of the freshest, best fish you have, please.”
The fisherman goes behind his counter and then weighs and measures the order. He was gruff and boomed when he spoke, “Here’s your god damned fish, that’ll be $40”
Sister Margaret meekly replies, “Watch your language, I’ll have you know you are speaking to a sister of the immaculate conception—”
“No, no, no. That’s what it’s called. This is god damn fish.”
She thanks him, and heads back to the convent to prepare the meal for the pope.
While she is cooking, Mother Kate checks in, “How is the dinner coming along?”
“I’m cooking the god damn fish, it will be ready in an hour.”
“What has gotten into you?!”
“No, no, that’s what it’s called. It’s called god damn fish.”
Later that evening the pope is sitting at the head of the table and everyone is eating quietly.
Sister Margaret chimes in, “this is some great god damn fish.”
Mother Kate pipes in, “this is the best god damn fish I ever had.”
The pope puts his fork down, looks up at the table and says, “I love you fucking people.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wb4ie/about_a_decade_ago_pope_john_paul_was_visiting_a/
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A Redditor walks into a Bar

He orders the best beer and sells it at the bar next door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wb4ct/a_redditor_walks_into_a_bar/
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Frank Zappa's children met at a restaurant

the waiter asks them what they'd like to drink.
"A beer", says Moon.
"Wine", adds Ahmet.
"Water", asks Diva.
"Pop", goes Dweezil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wb124/frank_zappas_children_met_at_a_restaurant/
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I got fired from my job at a bank today

Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wayo8/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_a_bank_today/
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Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

Every time I look at the cross country schedule, we play a certain high school, and their track really sucks. They are a very poor school and honestly it feels like the track is crumbling under my feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wawld/is_it_wrong_to_hate_a_certain_race/
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A Jock goes to the doctor, worried that he pulled a muscle.

Based on the activities that the jock describes doing, the doctor determines the most likely place of injury is his ass.
"I have a simple method of determining whether or not you've pulled a muscle. Try contracting the muscles of that area in a manner that you don't normally contract them. If there is pain there, then you've pulled a muscle for sure," the doctor describes to the jock. However, the jock just looks back at him with a confused stare.
At that moment, the jock's father comes into the doctor's office. He explains to the doctor that his son suffered a brain injury at a young age, and will need to have his procedure described in simpler terms.
"Try flexing your butt in a strange way. If it hurts, then you pulled a muscle. If not then it's fine." However, even the jock couldn't understand that simple sentence. "It helps if the sentences are as short as possible," the father adds, trying his best to be helpful. After thinking for a moment the doctor thinks of the simplest shortest explanation possible.
"Weird flex, butt OK"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9warq8/a_jock_goes_to_the_doctor_worried_that_he_pulled/
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Heard this joke from a co-worker (who had recently moved from Kinsale, Ireland), and I present it to you.

The Boys are sitting around outside Dan Murphy's pub, having a few jars, when Will perks up with *"You know boys, my wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and the next day she gave birth to twins."*
*"Isn't that odd,"* chirps in Sean McNamara, *"My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and the next day she presented me with triplets."*
Then up speaks Danno Mahoney with, *"Well, my wife was reading The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and she gave birth to quads."*
At this point Frankie Frawley looks at the others in a kind of stunned way and hurries to leave the table, leaving his beer behind. *"And where are you off to?"* asks Will.
*"My wife,"* says Frankie, *"is just now finishing The Birth of a Nation."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wam06/heard_this_joke_from_a_coworker_who_had_recently/
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How do you know when a redditor has left a hotel?

Username checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9walhu/how_do_you_know_when_a_redditor_has_left_a_hotel/
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A preacher visits an elderly congregation member

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9waip3/a_preacher_visits_an_elderly_congregation_member/
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Why didn't Donald Trump address the Veterans in the rain?

Have you ever seen what happens to cotton candy when it gets wet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wagi9/why_didnt_donald_trump_address_the_veterans_in/
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Dinosaur file transfer

How does a dinosaur send files from one computer to another?
First, he puts them in a .RAR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9wa0k9/dinosaur_file_transfer/
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3 logicians walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Do y'all want a beer?"

The first says "I don't know."
The second says "I don't know."
The third says "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w9zh3/3_logicians_walk_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender/
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A drill sergeant walks into a bar...

And orders a beer and a shot.  The bartender obliges, ant tells him it’ll be $10.  The drill sergeant slams both drinks.  He turns to the bartender and says, “I tell you what, I will show you a trick so good, you’ll give me both those drinks for free.”
The bartender says, “This better be a good trick.” The drill sergeant stands up on his stool, unzips his pants, and shouts, “Private, attention!”, and he immediately gets hard as a rock!  He says, “At ease soldier!”, and it falls limp back to the bar.
The bartender is amazed, and says he’ll cover the drinks.  Pleased the sergeant orders another beer and goes and sits at the end of the bar.
The night goes on and the bartender tells a regular of what he saw, and he doesn’t believe it.  He tells him. To have the sergeant prove it.  The bartender says, “Go ask him yourself!”
The drunk stumbles over and tells him the story is bullshit, and he doesn’t believe a word of it.
The drill sergeant says, “If you wanna see it, it’ll cost you a beer and a shot.”  The drunk agrees, pays the bartender, and the sergeant slams both.  He then stands up on his stool, unzips his pants, and shouts, “Private, attention!”, and he immediately gets hard as a rock!  He says, “At ease soldier!”, and it falls limp back to the bar.
Amazed, the drunk claps and laughs and the whole bar starts looking.  The sergeant quietly sits back down and continues drinking his beer.
Well as word got round, the sergeant did the trick a few more times, and each time slammed his beer and shot.
Eventually, a woman finally comes up to the sergeant and says! “I’ve heard about this trick you can do and I have to see it, what do you say we head to my place and you show off for me.”  The sergeant agrees and they stumble off down the block.  They make it to her apartment, and things begin getting hot and heavy.
She stops everything, and says, “Wait, wait, wait.  Before we go any further, I have got to see this trick I’ve been hearing about!”
The sergeant stands up, unzips his pants, and shouts, “Private, attention!”, and nothing happens...
The sergeant shouts again, “Private, attention!”, and nothing happens...
Frustrated, The sergeant shouts, “For the last time Private, attention!”, and still nothing happens...
So he grabs his dick, begins furiously yanking at it, jerks off and comes all over the wall!  The whole time the woman is screaming, “What are you doing!  Stop!  What on earth are you doing!”
After, exhausted, he looks her in the eye and says, “Any soldier that disobeys a direct order deserves a dishonorable discharge!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w9thg/a_drill_sergeant_walks_into_a_bar/
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A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans...

A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans, who want to get information out of them. They tie their legs to a wooden chair and their hands behind it and have all the chairs lined up.
First, they go to the French man. Before they lay a single hit on them, he tells the Germans everything he knows.
Then, they go to the English man. The hit him and hit him for 5 minutes before finally he gives up and tells them everything he knows.
Lastly, they go to the Italian. They beat him and beat him for hours and hours to the point where he looks almost dead, but he doesn't say a word. Finally, they give up. The Germans untie all of them and throw them into a cell together.
The French and the English men are extremely surprised. "How did you manage not to say anything?" the French man asked.
The Italian shrugged, "I wanted to, but they tied me up and I couldn't move my hands!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w9pad/a_french_english_and_italian_are_captured_by/
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An Englishman, Scotsman and Donald Trump are in the Sahara desert (see, I’ve changed it so it’s current)...

The Englishman is carrying an umbrella, the Scot is holding a cucumber and Trump is carrying a car door.
A Bedouin approaches and asks why the Englishman has an umbrella in the desert. The man replies. “Well, when it gets really hot, I put up my brolly and I can keep cool in the shade.”
The Bedouin asks the Scot why he has a cucumber. The man replies. “Well, when it gets really hot, I can slice up the cucumber and place the slices on my forehead to cool me off.”
Finally the Bedouin turns to Trump and asks him why he has a car door. Trump replies. “Well, when it gets really, really hot - and it has to get so very very hot, as I’m great at handling the heat - but when it gets that unbelievably hot, I can roll down the window and stick my head out.”
Yeah. Sorry about that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w9nk4/an_englishman_scotsman_and_donald_trump_are_in/
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Every single morning I get hit by the same bike...

It's a vicious cycle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w9ehn/every_single_morning_i_get_hit_by_the_same_bike/
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A guy in North Korea is walking home after his day at work . . .

. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
"What did you do that for?" he asks.
"Curfew violation," the other guard says.
"Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!"
"I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w9cb1/a_guy_in_north_korea_is_walking_home_after_his/
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My neighbor has had a record of 57 concussions.

He lives really close to me ... stone throws away, in fact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w9b7u/my_neighbor_has_had_a_record_of_57_concussions/
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A mite is sitting on a fly.

Fly : Hey you, on my back. Are you a mite?
Mite : I mite be.
Fly : That's the stupidest pun I've ever heard.
Mite : Well what did you expect. I just made it on the fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w99ep/a_mite_is_sitting_on_a_fly/
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My wife just got done making some cookie dough.

Wife: "Do you want to lick clean one of the beaters?"
Me: "Does it have raw egg in it?"
Wife: "It does..."
Me: "Well, I could get sick... But that's a whisk I'm willing to take."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w952c/my_wife_just_got_done_making_some_cookie_dough/
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A Japanese Catholic boy is asking his mom why he has to pay tithing

His mom replies, "Well, the Precepts of the Church maintain that each member has an obligation to support the material needs of the Church. Tithing is a voluntary donation that they rely on to have the materials needed for the Church."
Visibly processing this information, the boy asks, "What kind of materials would my contribution go towards?"
The mom thinks for a bit, trying to find a basic example. Finally she responds, "Let's take Holy Communion for example; during this service, they offer blessed wine. That blessed wine is paid for by your donations."
The boy replies, "Oh, for Heaven's sake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w950q/a_japanese_catholic_boy_is_asking_his_mom_why_he/
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For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police.

For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w92fx/for_the_upcoming_new_year_i_made_a_raunchy/
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My gf tried to persuade me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w8zt1/my_gf_tried_to_persuade_me_to_have_sex_on_the/
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An American man and a British meet at a subway station.

They have a pleasant conversation, when the subject eventually shifts to the differences in their language and terminology.
American man: So, what do you call where we are right now? A subway?
British man:  No, we call it the underground.
American man: What about an airplane?
British man: An aeroplane.
American man: Then what’s the name of a flashlight?
British man: A torch, of course!
American man: Then where do you lock up your criminals and thieves? Here, we call it jail.
British man: A jail? What’s that? We just call it Australia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w8wwb/an_american_man_and_a_british_meet_at_a_subway/
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An old man. [NSFW] [Long]

So an old man in a care home looks quite sad.
An old woman notices this and asks
"why do you look so glum?"
He replies " well ever since my wife died no one has held my cock in a while, would you be able to?"
The woman agrees.
This goes on for a few weeks, untill the old woman sees him with another resident.
The old woman exclaims "how dare you! How could you pick her over me!?"
The man calmly says "well she's got Parkinson's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w8wtv/an_old_man_nsfw_long/
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If a girl sleeps with 10 guys she is considered a slut. If a guy does it...

He's probably gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w8w67/if_a_girl_sleeps_with_10_guys_she_is_considered_a/
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My housemates threw a moving away party for me.

I just wish they did it before I left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w8ttl/my_housemates_threw_a_moving_away_party_for_me/
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Where does John fogerty like to sit when he flies in an airplane?

Coach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w8ti8/where_does_john_fogerty_like_to_sit_when_he_flies/
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When it's rainy, Donald doesn't want to come

But when it's Stormy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w8r4f/when_its_rainy_donald_doesnt_want_to_come/
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Heard this joke from a friend

A man wants to go on a date with his girlfriend. He goes to buy a suit, but the line was super long and took him 3 hours, but it was worth it. Next he went to buy himself a ring and guess what? The line took him 3 hours, but it was worth it.
When the day of the date came they had a fabulous time and bonded better than ever before. He decided to go get some juice and guess what? There’s no punch line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w8kc6/heard_this_joke_from_a_friend/
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Why do mathematicians have the lowest murder rate?

There's safety in numbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w8k3g/why_do_mathematicians_have_the_lowest_murder_rate/
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Why do horse girls love their horses so much?

Because its the only stable relationship they'll ever have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w8h7n/why_do_horse_girls_love_their_horses_so_much/
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No one excpected South Sudan to secede from its former state.

It was all very Sudan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w8ek8/no_one_excpected_south_sudan_to_secede_from_its/
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A guy with 9 mm pistol in both his hand walked into a bar....

*guy: "So I got 9 in the clip and 1 in the chamber, who is the son of a bitch that is fucking my wife??!!!"
*guy in the back: "you gonna need more ammo than that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w8bcn/a_guy_with_9_mm_pistol_in_both_his_hand_walked/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w89gs/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt

When he put his gun back in his pocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w87fs/today_i_donated_my_phone_watch_and_500_to_a/
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A little too much drinking . . .

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.  That time he manages to pull himself upright, but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.  "So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
"What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w85mb/a_little_too_much_drinking/
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As a doctor, I am addicted to hitting my patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

I really get a kick out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w82m6/as_a_doctor_i_am_addicted_to_hitting_my_patients/
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Did you hear about the drug dealer's ghost?

He was arrested for *possession.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w82fi/did_you_hear_about_the_drug_dealers_ghost/
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A string walks into a bar...

As the string comes to order a drink, the bartender says: “I’m sorry, we don’t serve your kind”
The rope leaves, twists himself up and parts his hair, and walks back into the bar
The bartender goes “hey, aren’t you the same guy from earlier?”
The rope goes “I’m a frayed knot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w81or/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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I don't think I'm strong enough anymore for my job as a personal trainer

So I guess I'll hand in my too weak notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w803c/i_dont_think_im_strong_enough_anymore_for_my_job/
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Three vampires walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"
The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood."
The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!"
The third vampire says "Give me plasma."
The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light"
(GROAN)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w7xwq/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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Shopping at Walmart

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better go see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's  a new diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and  the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You  have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy  activity. It will improve in two weeks Thank you for shopping at Walmart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He  mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from  his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints out the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Walmart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w7wj2/shopping_at_walmart/
%
Autocorrect...

Makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w7vte/autocorrect/
%
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The man quickly replies, "Boobs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w7rqv/a_man_is_being_arrested_by_a_female_police/
%
Interview

er: what's your greatest weakness
Me: Honesty
Interviewer: I don't think that's a weakness
Me: I don't give a damn what you think..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w7ou7/interview/
%
Did you hear about the penis-less guy who ejaculated?

He came outta nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w7nqn/did_you_hear_about_the_penisless_guy_who/
%
Bob the penguin went out for a drive

It was a sunny Sunday, so Bob decided to drive to the beach to do some sunbathing. Unfortunately, as he was driving he noticed a warning light on the dashboard. He just about made it to the nearest garage before the car broke down completely.
The mechanic looked at it and said, “I think I can fix it, but I’ll be about an hour. Why don’t you walk around a bit while I work?”
Bob agreed and went to the nearest corner shop and bought a plain cornetto. However, since he only had flippers, he got a lot of it on his face. He had some baby wipes in the boot of his car, so he waddled back to the garage.
The mechanic looked up from examining the car and said, “Mate, looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
The penguin said, “No, it’s just ice cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w7kh6/bob_the_penguin_went_out_for_a_drive/
%
My friend used to be into sado-necrophilic-bestiality...

...but he gave it up.  He felt like he was just beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w7ik4/my_friend_used_to_be_into/
%
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w7hvs/ive_fallen_in_love_with_a_pencil_and_were_getting/
%
Breaking a leg during an audition

ensures that you end up in the cast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w7g70/breaking_a_leg_during_an_audition/
%
“Dad, is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?”

“Nope. It’s as easy as 1,1,2,3.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w7frh/dad_is_the_fibonacci_sequence_hard_to_understand/
%
Why do trombone players have the best sex

They always get two holes in seven positions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w7eim/why_do_trombone_players_have_the_best_sex/
%
I used to really enjoy political jokes...

Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w7ao1/i_used_to_really_enjoy_political_jokes/
%
3 hunters were walking in a forest when they came across some tracks.

One hunter claims they were bear tracks.
The second frowns, and says "No, those are certainly badger tracks."
The third just laughs and says, "Honestly! You two crack me up! Those are *obviously* baby elephant tracks!"
And then the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w75fe/3_hunters_were_walking_in_a_forest_when_they_came/
%
My math tutor asked me if I knew how to graph.

I told him, "That's where I draw the line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w74hp/my_math_tutor_asked_me_if_i_knew_how_to_graph/
%
A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand, followed shortly thereafter by a slip of paper that slides out of a slot. The doctor reads the paper and says, "Ah, nearly perfect health! You just have a bit of tennis elbow, nothing too serious!" The man laughs and says "That is ridiculous! You are a quack and your machine here is a fraud! I don't even play tennis!" The doctor looks puzzled and replies "Well, it has never been wrong before, but... I tell you what. We can provide a more thorough analysis using morning urine. Return tomorrow with this sample container filled with the first urine of the day and we'll re-check the diagnosis." The man, annoyed by now, reluctantly agrees. The next morning he is flat out irritated with the process and decides to have a bit of fun. He lets the dog out and as the pooch lifts his leg the man catches a little of the dogs urine. He then asks his daughter and his wife to help out and they help fill the container a bit as well. After some thought he drains a few drops of oil from the car, and tops it all off by masturbating and adding that to the mixture as well. He then heads to the doctor's office, giggling all the way. Upon arrival the doctor looks puzzled at the odd-colored sample but then places it into a tray that slides out from the computer-wall. With the man still giggling in the back ground, the computer buzzes and beeps, seeming to take a bit longer this time. Finally a paper slips out, and the doctor takes it and reads it, with a frown on his face. "Well, um... I am sorry to have to tell you, but... your dog has fleas, your daughter is pregnant, your wife has gonorrhea, your car needs an oil change and if you don't stop jerking off so much your tennis elbow will never get better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w74gz/a_man_is_told_by_his_employer_that_he_has_to_go/
%
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.
Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w6xdw/what_did_the_boy_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
%
Why can't you hang Donald Trump?

Fake noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w6x6l/why_cant_you_hang_donald_trump/
%
What do you call an annoying potato?

An irri-tator. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w6wwa/what_do_you_call_an_annoying_potato/
%
Is it bad to hate a certain race?

I really hate running a 10K. They're just on that border of too much for no training.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w6wif/is_it_bad_to_hate_a_certain_race/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w6vxc/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
What social media does Thanos prefer?

*snap*chat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w6tre/what_social_media_does_thanos_prefer/
%
What’s a transsexuals favorite drink?

Gender fluid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w6s87/whats_a_transsexuals_favorite_drink/
%
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w6o5v/how_do_you_get_trump_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?

The outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w6ln9/which_side_of_a_duck_has_the_most_feathers/
%
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids.

I suppose you could say, I'm a faux pa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w67z1/i_tell_dad_jokes_but_i_have_no_kids/
%
Socialism works great!

Until you run out of other people's money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w5yif/socialism_works_great/
%
Every night, my roommate gets high and watches the Benjamin Button movie in reverse.

I finally said, “This is getting old really fast.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w5x3z/every_night_my_roommate_gets_high_and_watches_the/
%
My girlfriend doesn’t like it when I sleep with socks, so I made a resolution to sleep barefoot.

After the first night I got cold feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w5wrc/my_girlfriend_doesnt_like_it_when_i_sleep_with/
%
My gay friend was bragging about how much sex he's been having lately.

What a cocky asshole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w5uz7/my_gay_friend_was_bragging_about_how_much_sex_hes/
%
Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w5ntx/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
%
Why did the sun never set on the British empire?

Even God didn't trust the British after dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w5nas/why_did_the_sun_never_set_on_the_british_empire/
%
The only "B-Word" you should call a woman is beautiful.

Because bitches Like to be called beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w5n0m/the_only_bword_you_should_call_a_woman_is/
%
Wow Guys. I’m So Happy For You Supporting Me About Being Pansexual

I Love You All

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w5m74/wow_guys_im_so_happy_for_you_supporting_me_about/
%
Do you think oranges become juice willingly

Or are they getting pressured into it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w5kkl/do_you_think_oranges_become_juice_willingly/
%
I showed up at work with only one shoe on

That is when I noticed something was afoot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w5i5q/i_showed_up_at_work_with_only_one_shoe_on/
%
A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man..

"Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"
"I am not Master Ayumu."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w5bpp/a_japanese_man_in_a_monastery_atop_a_sacred/
%
When I die, I want my group project members to lower me into my grave.

That way they can let me down one last time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w5bbz/when_i_die_i_want_my_group_project_members_to/
%
Me: You're today's date

She: What?
Me: You're a solid 11/11
She: What kind of a rating scale is out of 11?
Me: I... I had cold feet on 10th October

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w5b4f/me_youre_todays_date/
%
A old father watched his young daughter playing in the beautiful garden.

The old father smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of Almighty  God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear.
Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our beautiful garden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w59sa/a_old_father_watched_his_young_daughter_playing/
%
Be alert, there's a midget psychic murderer on the loose.

He's a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w59r0/be_alert_theres_a_midget_psychic_murderer_on_the/
%
I wish laundry could masturbate

Then it could just do itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w575m/i_wish_laundry_could_masturbate/
%
Why do the French only use one egg to make an Omelette?

Because one egg is “un oeuf”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w55va/why_do_the_french_only_use_one_egg_to_make_an/
%
The moment in class I knew I had dixsexlya

My teacher had to really spell it out for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w54qb/the_moment_in_class_i_knew_i_had_dixsexlya/
%
What is Gordon Ramsay's favourite subreddit?

r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w53k3/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favourite_subreddit/
%
What is chicken used as currency called?

Legal tender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w4z99/what_is_chicken_used_as_currency_called/
%
An infectious disease walks into a bar

.
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
It replies, "Well, you're not a very good host."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w4tlk/an_infectious_disease_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call the phobia of chainsaws?

Common Sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w4oly/what_do_you_call_the_phobia_of_chainsaws/
%
Have you ever smelled moth balls?

Did you, like, hold it by the wings?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w4l46/have_you_ever_smelled_moth_balls/
%
Helvetica and Times New Roman walks into a bar

"get out of here" shouts the bartender. "we don't serve your type."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w4kyo/helvetica_and_times_new_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do daredevil and scarlet witch have in common? (Spoiler)

They both lost their vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w4j1u/what_do_daredevil_and_scarlet_witch_have_in/
%
In an ambulance

"can you describe the snake that bit you?"
Me: "yes,  it was like an angry rope"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w4i9z/in_an_ambulance/
%
What did the gay street fighter say to the Barbie doll at their wedding?

I do Ken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w4gih/what_did_the_gay_street_fighter_say_to_the_barbie/
%
Australians don’t fuck...

They mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w4ec7/australians_dont_fuck/
%
I love whiteboards

They're re-markable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w4e6q/i_love_whiteboards/
%
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station

.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w48a0/a_police_officer_jumps_into_his_squad_car_and/
%
A teacher asks one of his students how would he prefer to die.

**Student**: The way my grandfather died. He fell asleep and he never woke up.
**Teacher**: I see, that's understandable. And how would you not like to die?
**Student**: The way my grandfather's friends did.
**Teacher**: Why? How did they died?
**Student**: In the car crush after my grandfather fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w4658/a_teacher_asks_one_of_his_students_how_would_he/
%
Don't waste time brushing your teeth when you are young.

Simply put your dentures in the dishwasher when you're older.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w448f/dont_waste_time_brushing_your_teeth_when_you_are/
%
Everyone is shitting on Trump for not attending the ceremony, but they all forget that

fake tan and rain don't go well together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w43k1/everyone_is_shitting_on_trump_for_not_attending/
%
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3zw6/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
%
When I was young my English teacher said to me "you'll never amount to anything in life". I said "mark my words"

"...that's your job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3yys/when_i_was_young_my_english_teacher_said_to_me/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3xn3/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
As a child I was forced to walk the plank

We couldn’t afford a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3w4a/as_a_child_i_was_forced_to_walk_the_plank/
%
A worried guy goes to a doctor..

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3u30/a_worried_guy_goes_to_a_doctor/
%
How much does a circumciser get paid per hour?

Nothing, he just keeps the tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3tn5/how_much_does_a_circumciser_get_paid_per_hour/
%
If I was a toy then what toy would I be?

Choking hazard for 12 and below.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3sgb/if_i_was_a_toy_then_what_toy_would_i_be/
%
Just bought a second hand DeLorean,

but I only use it from time to time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3qtl/just_bought_a_second_hand_delorean/
%
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3p8i/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_a/
%
My nephew wanted an Xbox for his birthday but didn't get one and was very upset.

He had to be consoled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3mal/my_nephew_wanted_an_xbox_for_his_birthday_but/
%
What did the blonde say after multiple orgasms?

Way to go team!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3jr4/what_did_the_blonde_say_after_multiple_orgasms/
%
What do an anti-vaxxer mom and a responsible bartender have in common?

They both don't give shots to babies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3h4l/what_do_an_antivaxxer_mom_and_a_responsible/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says, "What is this—some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3f8o/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_walk/
%
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3b3y/a_new_navy_recruit_has_his_first_day_on_the/
%
Husband to wife. ”Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm.”

Wife, “I don’t like calling you at work.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3aeq/husband_to_wife_why_dont_you_tell_me_when_you/
%
A caravan is crossing the desert. The elephant, walking beside the camel, asks "why are your tits on your back?"

The camel, slightly bemused, replies "What a strange question coming from someone with a dick on his face!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w3916/a_caravan_is_crossing_the_desert_the_elephant/
%
Why did Einstein marry his cousin?

He wanted to test his theory of RELATIVITY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w38n0/why_did_einstein_marry_his_cousin/
%
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store

this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w37q8/a_balding_white_haired_man_walked_into_a_jewelry/
%
Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2zq2/why_is_divorce_so_expensive/
%
I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"
Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2w4u/i_got_thrown_out_of_math_class_today/
%
Took my mother-in-law out last night.

Loving my new sniper rifle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2vz9/took_my_motherinlaw_out_last_night/
%
Bad Odds

Thanks to Autocorrect,1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2vmt/bad_odds/
%
Can February March?

No but April May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2un7/can_february_march/
%
I never had a date

.
Do they taste like raisins?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2qsh/i_never_had_a_date/
%
Why did adam not have a mother in law?

He lived in paradise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2qbk/why_did_adam_not_have_a_mother_in_law/
%
I'm not saying my wife is stupid

But she thought Remembrance Day was for people with Alzheimer's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2oq0/im_not_saying_my_wife_is_stupid/
%
I just had a nightmare about Mexican food.

I don't really want to taco 'bout it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2n47/i_just_had_a_nightmare_about_mexican_food/
%
A Woman goes to buy a new parrot for her birthday.

The prices are $400, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2mdr/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_new_parrot_for_her_birthday/
%
When people began using the alphabet, they only used 25 letters.

Nobody knew why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2ljq/when_people_began_using_the_alphabet_they_only/
%
Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs and body?

They don't want to be mistaken for feminists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2l7p/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs_and_body/
%
I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs, so if you'd like to ask me anything...

...I’ll be in my lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2izv/im_a_scientist_whos_researching_bestiality/
%
One day i'll pretend to be gay.

I'll make lots of female friends.
Become their confidant.
And when they least expect it?
BAAM
I'll fuck their boyfriends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2dio/one_day_ill_pretend_to_be_gay/
%
Two guys are trying to escape from Soviet Russia.

The first guy looks over to the other and says : race you to the Finnish line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2buo/two_guys_are_trying_to_escape_from_soviet_russia/
%
The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet on Thursday at 7 PM.

Please use the door at the rear of the building.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w2ai1/the_low_self_esteem_support_group_will_meet_on/
%
Went out with a bang...

A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.
With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal.
He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107.
According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w27ow/went_out_with_a_bang/
%
What do you call a 3.14' long snake?

A pi-thon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w24te/what_do_you_call_a_314_long_snake/
%
What is a mathematicians favourite language?

Sine language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w248v/what_is_a_mathematicians_favourite_language/
%
Friend: My ear is ringing, it really hurts.

Other friend: Then pick it up buddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w23tm/friend_my_ear_is_ringing_it_really_hurts/
%
What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w23ij/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
%
What operating system does the Infinity Gauntlet use?

thanOS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w20sa/what_operating_system_does_the_infinity_gauntlet/
%
What would the Rock be if he was white?

Rock Salt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w20aq/what_would_the_rock_be_if_he_was_white/
%
What happened when the Mexican played UNO?

He took all the green cards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w1yhs/what_happened_when_the_mexican_played_uno/
%
An iron worker moves to Iraq

to make use of all the scrap metal lying around. After a few weeks of collecting he had a few close calls with finding mines in the piles of scrap, which according to the locals was a fairly common occurrence. After nearly loosing his arms for the fifth or sixth time he came up with an idea to give the locals ¢10 per pound they brought to him. He went on for months and became a very wealthy man refining the metal and selling it at a better price than anybody else could offer. The locals that would bring the scrap would flood in for a chance at some easy money, one man would come in every week with a cart piled high with scrap, he was so reliable the iron worker decided to start paying him ¢20 A pound! He would see the same face five or six times then they would stop coming around, he assumed the worst and went on with his day. Soon it was only the man with the cart that came to deliver the scrap. The iron worker was curious as to why he was the only one left and so he asked the man and he said
"Everyone else is either blown up or too scared go root through the piles any more."
"and what about you?" Asked the iron worker "how have you gotten so lucky when the others havent?"
"I have four kids" replies the man, grinning
"I've had many kids deliver scrap, they dont seem to be around either" explains the iron worker
"I used to have thirty-six"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w1s96/an_iron_worker_moves_to_iraq/
%
Your mama’s so fat...

Some of us actually think she’s flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w1ncd/your_mamas_so_fat/
%
What did the Stripper do with her Asshole before going to work?

She dropped him off at band practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w1h0l/what_did_the_stripper_do_with_her_asshole_before/
%
Don’t vaccinate your kids

Have the doctor do it instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w1g0w/dont_vaccinate_your_kids/
%
Recreational marijuana is legal in 10 out of the 50 states.

That's 4/20th of the United States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w1fsx/recreational_marijuana_is_legal_in_10_out_of_the/
%
How can you tell a lesbian built her own house?

There are no studs.  All tongue in groove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w1f3p/how_can_you_tell_a_lesbian_built_her_own_house/
%
Why are New Yorkers so depressed?

Because the light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w1cgu/why_are_new_yorkers_so_depressed/
%
An angel is visiting a hospital

An angel walks into a hospital and sees a room full of dying children and adults.
He begins to heal them one at a time. He finally reaches the final person and it’s a middle aged man with polio. The angel asks the man how he got it in the first place considering how polio vaccines existed. The man replied saying that he didn’t believe in vaccines and thought they were full of dangerous substances that caused autism. The man then asks the angel to cure him. The angel shakes his head no and replies with “Sorry, I can’t cure stupidity”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w1c8p/an_angel_is_visiting_a_hospital/
%
It's not fun competing with masochists with foot fetishes.

They really like the taste of defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w1arr/its_not_fun_competing_with_masochists_with_foot/
%
Two Soviet Border Guards Are Standing on the Finnish Border

One turns to the other and says, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"I suspect I am thinking what you're thinking."
"In that case, you're under arrest for treason."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w19p2/two_soviet_border_guards_are_standing_on_the/
%
Two friends were walking down the street when it started raining coins

One of them told the other, "It's climate change".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w17aw/two_friends_were_walking_down_the_street_when_it/
%
The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equipment is not as great as the FBI’s but they still look very prepared. After two days, upon finding no rabbits, they conclude that there is no rabbit, there never was, and everybody was lying to them from the start. Finally, the KGB go in. Everyone is afraid for them, as they are going in with nothing but a couple traps and a baseball bat. However, to everyone’s surprise, two days later, the KGB come out with a bear, who is bloody and bruised. One of the members pokes the bear in the stomach and the bear starts screaming, “I AM A RABBIT!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w12uv/the_fbi_cia_and_kgb_go_into_a_forest_for_a_rabbit/
%
Everytime I see someone with freckles....

I just have to say to myself, "Weird flecks... But okay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w0zwe/everytime_i_see_someone_with_freckles/
%
What’s grey and comes in quarts

An elephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w0yr5/whats_grey_and_comes_in_quarts/
%
My grandpa had the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w0y5y/my_grandpa_had_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
A priest and a rabbi go to a remote lake for a swim.

All of a sudden, two buses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi’s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it.
The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "Rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "In my community, they recognise me by my face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w0xbl/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_go_to_a_remote_lake_for_a/
%
Upon leaving the hospital after the birth of my son, a nurse in the elevator commented on him sucking on his mother’s finger, saying “he’s quite the little sucker.”

I responded “There’s one born every minute.”  And that, my friends, was my very first Dad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w0wja/upon_leaving_the_hospital_after_the_birth_of_my/
%
Why did the old woman fall into the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w0tmd/why_did_the_old_woman_fall_into_the_well/
%
My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of New Jersey :(

Nothing happened there. I just feel bad for anyone who has to live in New Jersey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w0qp6/my_thoughts_and_prayers_go_out_to_the_people_of/
%
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job.

So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w0otr/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
%
I’ve decided that I’m not going to focus on my past anymore...

So if I owe you any money, I’m sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w0n36/ive_decided_that_im_not_going_to_focus_on_my_past/
%
I tried to be an Uber driver...

Trouble is, my customers didn’t like it when I went the extra mile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w0mmi/i_tried_to_be_an_uber_driver/
%
An old lady at the bank asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w0ku5/an_old_lady_at_the_bank_asked_me_to_check_her/
%
Two antennae were on a roof.

They fell in love and got married. The service wasn't great, but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w0kq5/two_antennae_were_on_a_roof/
%
Last night I rode my bike to a bar...

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town
and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots..... I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police check point on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w0iaw/last_night_i_rode_my_bike_to_a_bar/
%
On the subject of how hard of drugs I'm willing to do

Coke is where I draw the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w0fql/on_the_subject_of_how_hard_of_drugs_im_willing_to/
%
What kind of jacket did hitler wear?

A fuhrer coat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w092i/what_kind_of_jacket_did_hitler_wear/
%
There should be a pageant for minor criminals where it's based solely on their demeanor, not looks.

Whoever wins will be crowned Miss Demeanor 2018.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w07sz/there_should_be_a_pageant_for_minor_criminals/
%
What did Mrs Sippi and Tenna see?

The same thing Arkan saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w06ww/what_did_mrs_sippi_and_tenna_see/
%
What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w063e/what_do_cheap_hotels_and_designer_jeans_have_in/
%
As a kid, I was bullied because I had aspergers

Thank the good lord above they never found out I had ascheese as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9w01jr/as_a_kid_i_was_bullied_because_i_had_aspergers/
%
The Chinese government are seizing

my land to build a cemetery.
It has to be a Communist plot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzypc/the_chinese_government_are_seizing/
%
An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die.

He only wanted the cleverest of his three sons to inherit his money. So he came up with a test: he called all his sons into his room and told them: "Use 100 bucks to buy whatever you want. Whoever fills the room to the fullest shall inherit my money."
The three sons started to think and all went out.
The eldest son came back first. He was carrying several bags of cotton. However, the cotton was unable to fill even half of the room. The old man shook his head in disappointment.
The middle son came back the second. He bought a gas tank. First, he closed the door and windows. As he loosened the valve, he proudly said, "now the room is full of gas!" The old man nodded, with a smile on his face, and said "you are very clever. We can open the window now."
It was at this moment, the youngest son came into the room, holding a lit candle...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzyln/an_old_wealthy_man_who_had_three_sons_was_about/
%
A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.
Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing. The big man hits him again. "Judo from Japan." L'il ol' Boudreaux once again picks himself up off the floor and continues sipping his beer. The man grabs him putting Boudreaux in a state of suspended animation. "That's a nerve pinch from Korea."
After a few minutes, Boudreaux is able to move again. Instead of getting back on his bar stool, he walks out. Ten minutes later, he walks in with a large board in his hands and hits the drunk square in the head with the board, laying him flat out on the floor. Looking down at his tormenter, Boudreaux says, "Two-by-four from Home Depot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzw3h/a_very_drunk_patron_at_a_bar_is_trying_to_impress/
%
A Nazi soldier walks into a BAR

The end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzvul/a_nazi_soldier_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr.Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzvoz/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
What do you call a cabbage’s murder?

A slaw-ter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzv93/what_do_you_call_a_cabbages_murder/
%
How does the Pope keep track of his online spending?

He checks his Papal account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzumt/how_does_the_pope_keep_track_of_his_online/
%
What do zombies eat while on a hike?

Entrail Mix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzttf/what_do_zombies_eat_while_on_a_hike/
%
You Matter

Unless you are multiplied by the speed of light squared; then you energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzsc7/you_matter/
%
What do you call an empty can of cheese-whiz?

Cheese was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzs0n/what_do_you_call_an_empty_can_of_cheesewhiz/
%
Jackson Pollock is your favorite artist?

Weird flecks, but okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzqy1/jackson_pollock_is_your_favorite_artist/
%
My parents said that the world didn't revolve around me.

But I'm their sun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzm5l/my_parents_said_that_the_world_didnt_revolve/
%
Whenever I undress in my bathroom,

my shower gets turned on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzm3a/whenever_i_undress_in_my_bathroom/
%
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzkzs/my_body_is_in_a_disgusting_embarrassing_totally/
%
Police station broken into, toilets stolen.

Cops have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzkyi/police_station_broken_into_toilets_stolen/
%
Sex is like math

You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzj4q/sex_is_like_math/
%
Why do you never see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree?

Because they're good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzhzp/why_do_you_never_see_a_hippopotamus_hiding_in_a/
%
What would you get if a famous French dictator stepped on a landmine

Napoleon blownapart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vzhm7/what_would_you_get_if_a_famous_french_dictator/
%
Life hack

If you beat your kids at a burger king it legally changes from child abuse to a whopper jr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vz8j7/life_hack/
%
Why doesn’t Santa have any kids of his own?

Because he only comes once a year and when he does, it’s through a chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vz7cl/why_doesnt_santa_have_any_kids_of_his_own/
%
Knock, knock

- Who's there?
+ Doris
- Doris who?
+ Doris locked, thats why I'm knocking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vyzl5/knock_knock/
%
A woman was telling me about her sexual attraction to beaches.

Apparently it comes in waves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vyzic/a_woman_was_telling_me_about_her_sexual/
%
If I owned a condom shop, it would be called Camouflage Condoms

Because, “you’d never see us coming”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vyzbd/if_i_owned_a_condom_shop_it_would_be_called/
%
Why would Jesus not fit well in this sub?

Because he came up with something original

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vyxsr/why_would_jesus_not_fit_well_in_this_sub/
%
Dracula was grumpy. Why?

All that B negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vynmg/dracula_was_grumpy_why/
%
If you rearrange the letters of “postmen”...

They get really pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vynla/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
%
Life is like a dick

It gets hard for no reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vymzl/life_is_like_a_dick/
%
What looks blue and isn't heavy?

Light blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vyjed/what_looks_blue_and_isnt_heavy/
%
Superman is flying around metropolis one day, doing his normal surveillance.

He looks down and notices Wonder Woman, laying on the roof of her place, legs spread apart, completely naked.
The thought occurs to him; he's as fast as a speeding bullet, he could fly down there, do his thing, and get out before she suspected a thing.
Without a second thought he pulls his spandex leggings down and gets his aim ready.
He flies down, does his thing, and flies off, as planned.
Wonder Woman sits up and asks, "What was that gust of wind?"
The Invisible Man pulls out and says, "I have no idea, but my asshole hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vyhve/superman_is_flying_around_metropolis_one_day/
%
Did you hear about the car which caused physical harm to another car?

It got charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vyg67/did_you_hear_about_the_car_which_caused_physical/
%
If a girls sleeps with 6 different men she's a slut.

If a man does he's gay....definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vyf5e/if_a_girls_sleeps_with_6_different_men_shes_a_slut/
%
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.
His father pointed at a map towards North America.
“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father.
The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.
“And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?”
The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.
“Where is Germany again, Father?”
He pointed to their home country in Central Europe.
Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.”
“Yes?”
“Has Hitler seen this map?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vya0m/in_1941_hans_a_young_german_boy_was_listening_to/
%
Where does a dog go when it loses it's tail?

To a RETAIL store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vy9ri/where_does_a_dog_go_when_it_loses_its_tail/
%
We’ve been married for years and I still call my wife my baby.

That’s because if she’s not sleeping, she’s screaming and I don’t understand why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vy8f0/weve_been_married_for_years_and_i_still_call_my/
%
What do you call security in a Samsung shop?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vy82t/what_do_you_call_security_in_a_samsung_shop/
%
My wife is turning 32 soon...

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vy494/my_wife_is_turning_32_soon/
%
A man walked into the doctors...

... he had carrots sticking out of his nose, broccoli in his ears and bacon up his arse,
The doctors said “well I can tell right away you’re not eating right”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vy10o/a_man_walked_into_the_doctors/
%
Not to brag about it but statically, I have bigger dick than almost half of the people in the world.

Yeah I know women don't have dicks but that's not my fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vxzi2/not_to_brag_about_it_but_statically_i_have_bigger/
%
Reading a book about an immortal dog.

It's impossible to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vxzau/reading_a_book_about_an_immortal_dog/
%
My friends attitude changed ever since he was left wheelchair bound

He used to be a stand-up guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vxwgh/my_friends_attitude_changed_ever_since_he_was/
%
A midget fortune teller escaped from prison

The headline read: "Small Medium at Large!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vxt4r/a_midget_fortune_teller_escaped_from_prison/
%
What do you call a Japanese female Sous chef?

A Sous She Chef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vxqkx/what_do_you_call_a_japanese_female_sous_chef/
%
I once saw an antelope

Can you imagine that?  It was the talk of the whole ant colony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vxpnd/i_once_saw_an_antelope/
%
my wife had a tantrum while we was playing scramble,

She threw a G at me,
then a N
followed by a B
and lastly the A hit me in the forehead.
I thought to my self thats bang out of order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vxog9/my_wife_had_a_tantrum_while_we_was_playing/
%
My friend and I were watching my dog lick his balls and he said "I sure wish I could do that"

I said you better pet him first he's kinda mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vxm52/my_friend_and_i_were_watching_my_dog_lick_his/
%
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar

The bartender says "Why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vxdlv/sarah_jessica_parker_walks_into_a_bar/
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The Little Bear

Two bears are walking along:  A mommy bear and a little bear.
The little bear asks "Mommy, what kind of bears are we?"
The mom replies "We are Polar Bears" and they keep walking.
A little while later the little bears asks "Are you sure I'm not a little bit Brown Bear?"
The mom says "No, no, we are 100% Polar Bears" and they keep walking
A little while later the little bears asks "Are you sure I'm not a little bit Black Bear?"
The mom says "No, no, we are 100% Polar Bears" and they keep walking
A little while later the little bears asks "Are you sure I'm not a little bit Grizzly Bear?"
The mom says "No, no, we are 100% Polar Bears.  Why do you keep asking?"
The little bear says "because I'm fucking cold!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vx9jk/the_little_bear/
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What Is The Least Spoken Language In The World?

Sign Language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vx99w/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.  The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vx7xc/this_is_the_dirty_joke_my_85yo_grandad_told_to/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they are an extinct species, thus incapable of using the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vx77g/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
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THE VOODOO PENIS

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he  thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.  He went to a  sex shop & explained his situation.
The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that  will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...  the Voodoo Penis!"
The husband said "The what"?  The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis"  and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.  The husband  laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"
The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"   The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started  pounding the keyhole.  The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so  much that a crack began to form down the middle.  Then the man said  "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped & returned to  the box.
The husband bought it.  He took it home to his wife, And after the  husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo penis.   She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch".  The  penis shot to her crotch.  It was absolutely incredible.  After three  mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had  enough.  She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.  Her husband had  neglected to tell her how to turn it off.  So she put her clothes on,  got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over  the road.  A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her  over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to  drink.  Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to  drink officer.  You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my  crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right...  Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"
The rest, as they say, is history..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vx6m9/the_voodoo_penis/
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I asked my Spanish teacher what "no se" meant in English..

..he said he didn't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vx4cr/i_asked_my_spanish_teacher_what_no_se_meant_in/
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A guy was walking along the Potomoc River in Washington . . .

. . . and sees someone struggling in the water. He quickly dives in, swims over, and rescues him. When he gets to shore he realizes he saved Donald Trump!
"You saved my life!" Trump exclaims. "Anything you want, whatever it is, just name it."
"Shit, I don't want anything. Just don't tell anyone I did this," he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vx1cm/a_guy_was_walking_along_the_potomoc_river_in/
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I like my food like I like my coping mechanisms.

Extremely unhealthy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vwyr0/i_like_my_food_like_i_like_my_coping_mechanisms/
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Astronauts are never on-duty

and there isn't a single person on Earth who could convince me otherwise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vwx57/astronauts_are_never_onduty/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were playing a round of golf.

They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole.
The Scotsman lost his patience, "What's going on? We’ve been here at least 20 minutes!"
The Irishman nodded in agreement.
The Englishman saw the green keeper walking by and shouted to him, "How come that group ahead of us are so slow?”
The green keeper replied, "Oh, they’re all blind firemen. They all lost their sight pulling school children out of a burning building, so they can play anytime for free.”
Everyone was silent for a few seconds.
The Irishman finally said, "Oh dear. I’ll be sure to pray for them. Well done on such charitable work good fellow."
The Englishman added, "Yes, well done to you. I’ll make sure to get a whip round organised."
The Scotsman, arms folded, tapping his feet said, "Why can’t the fuckers play at night if they're blind?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vwuli/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_were/
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What do you call the offspring of turds?

Dumplings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vwtau/what_do_you_call_the_offspring_of_turds/
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I gave up studying extra-terrestrial medicine

I just couldn't find the patients for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vwm8k/i_gave_up_studying_extraterrestrial_medicine/
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I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,

and a Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vwh1z/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_is_a_sound_technician/
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What’s the best nutcracker?

A six inch heel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vvzoe/whats_the_best_nutcracker/
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Quick cooking question - After I boil the vegetables,

What do I do with the leftover wheelchairs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vvxgh/quick_cooking_question_after_i_boil_the_vegetables/
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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."
So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."
The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…
"SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vvukh/an_italian_a_scotsman_and_a_chinese_guy_are_hired/
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What do you call Elon Musk when he’s been to the gym a lot?

Muskular

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vvtcm/what_do_you_call_elon_musk_when_hes_been_to_the/
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I have a friend who is a transgender atheist.

They are a she now, but they were a heathen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vvoyj/i_have_a_friend_who_is_a_transgender_atheist/
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A blind man walks into a bar

And a chair
And a table
And a person
And a wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vvizv/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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For every dollar a man makes, a woman makes 80 cents. That is outrageous.

Why is the man only left with 20 cents?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vvhrl/for_every_dollar_a_man_makes_a_woman_makes_80/
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One day the queen wanted a haircut.

No barber in England would do it.
Why?
God shave the Queen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vvhd6/one_day_the_queen_wanted_a_haircut/
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What costs hundreds of billions of dollars but is totally worthless?

The 2nd place in a presidential election....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vvf5p/what_costs_hundreds_of_billions_of_dollars_but_is/
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Why was the anti-vaxxer’s four year old child crying?

He was having a mid-life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vvb9m/why_was_the_antivaxxers_four_year_old_child_crying/
%
My stripper friend drops her kid off at my place when she goes to work.

Easiest job I ever had.
It’s like taking a baby from a Candi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vv8cx/my_stripper_friend_drops_her_kid_off_at_my_place/
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A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vv7w0/a_man_is_in_a_hotel_lobby/
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BBC News: Bill Gates agrees to pay for Trump's wall

But Trump needs to install windows first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vv53g/bbc_news_bill_gates_agrees_to_pay_for_trumps_wall/
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A boy was upstairs playing computer games when his granddad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?" asks granddad. "You're eighteen years old: you’re wasting your life! When I was eighteen I went to Paris; I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, felt up one of the dancers on stage, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now *that’s* how to have a good time."
A month or two later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, two black eyes and all his front teeth missing.
"What happened?" he asked.
"I did what you did!” replied the boy. “I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, felt up one of the dancers, pissed on the barman, and got the *crap* beaten out of me!"
"Huh,” replied the granddad, scratching his chin thoughtfully. "Who did you go with?"
"Just some friends. Why, who did you go with?"
"The SS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vv2fv/a_boy_was_upstairs_playing_computer_games_when/
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park

Although usually it's hard to find 32 of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vux2l/i_like_to_play_chess_with_bald_men_in_the_park/
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My Girlfriend was born without her pinky toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.

My therapist says I'm lack toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vuw3t/my_girlfriend_was_born_without_her_pinky_toe_and/
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Scrabble

Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Husband: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Husband: Well, that could spell trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vuvdv/scrabble/
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Weights

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department of the sporting goods store.
"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?"
"They're not cheap either."
"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vuq8g/weights/
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Interviewer: "What did you learn from your previous job?"

Me: "That I need a new job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vuq36/interviewer_what_did_you_learn_from_your_previous/
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I coded a program to detect Al Gore’s speech by his cadences.

I used an algorithm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vupqz/i_coded_a_program_to_detect_al_gores_speech_by/
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Millionaire

The teacher stood in front of the class. "Take a pencil and paper," she said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'"
Every student in the class began to write furiously. Everyone but Philip, who leaned back in his seat with his arms folded.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked Philip, "Why don't you begin?"
Philip replied, "I'm waiting for my secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vupau/millionaire/
%
A bishop is giving a lecture in a church in his diocese

He says, "times sure are changing, and kids growing up today aren't being a part of church as much as I'd like them too. Here's what I propose: Every married couple should have 3 kids- one to walk the path of the dad's will, one to walk the path of the mom's will and one to serve the church. For families need to actively be a part of the church".
Hearing this, the audience in the church nod and murmur in approval. A few days later, the bishop is in his local supermarket, shopping for carrots. As he's shopping, a pregnant woman sees him from far across the aisle. Remembering his lecture from a few days ago, she calls out to the bishop.
Pointing to her womb, she excitedly yells, "this one's yours bishop!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vun3w/a_bishop_is_giving_a_lecture_in_a_church_in_his/
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Why did Mickey break up with Minnie?

Because she was f***ing goofy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vum5g/why_did_mickey_break_up_with_minnie/
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A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.

Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?"  German: "German"  Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?"  German: "No, just visiting"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vukvl/a_german_traveling_to_poland_stops_at_a_polish/
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book

, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vukd3/a_little_boy_got_on_the_bus_sat_next_to_a_man/
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An elderly man and woman lived in the same nursing home.

The man liked this woman very much. So one day, he asks if they could sit together outside on the benches. They sat there every day for about 3 weeks. Finally, the old man builds up enough courage to ask the woman if she would hold his penis.
"All you have to do is hold it, that’s all."
The woman agrees to it. They sit at the benches every day for about 2 more weeks with her holding his penis every time. Then one day the elderly woman walks outside and finds that he’s not at their usual spot. She gets curious and goes looking for him. She finds him on another bench with another woman, and she too is holding his manhood. Later that day she angrily asks him, "I saw you with that other woman! What does she have that I don’t?"
The elderly man smiles and says, “Parkinsons".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vujqc/an_elderly_man_and_woman_lived_in_the_same/
%
The sheep does not fight.

It fleece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vuid1/the_sheep_does_not_fight/
%
A word of advice: Don't run behind cars.

You'll get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vue0r/a_word_of_advice_dont_run_behind_cars/
%
Two termites walk into a restaurant

Waitress asks:
-What would you like to order?
-A table for two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vudn0/two_termites_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I called the cops...

I think he must be a part of some extreme mist group...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vub3q/a_sketchy_guy_just_came_into_my_shop_and_bought/
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Adolf Hitler orders 3 prisoners of war to come to his office

He tells them that if they can name the bird on his hat correctly, they will be released and not be bothered anymore.
The first one guesses: "A crow!" Hitler is pissed off and offers his guards to execute him.
The second one: "A dove!" Nope. Same thing happens to him.
The third one says: "An eagle... And it's a male!"
Hitler is surprised and asks how he knows it's a male.
"Because of the massive ballsack that's hanging underneath it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vuap7/adolf_hitler_orders_3_prisoners_of_war_to_come_to/
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What's Lionel Richie's favorite video game?

Halo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vuakw/whats_lionel_richies_favorite_video_game/
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I felt sorry for the hypnotist

I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vuabg/i_felt_sorry_for_the_hypnotist/
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New Toy Story announced for 2020, starring Andy’s mum’s toys

That are also called Woody and Buzz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vu94a/new_toy_story_announced_for_2020_starring_andys/
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A salmon is watching a fly hover 6 inches above the pond and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, I'm going to eat it."

A bear is on the shore and is watching the salmon. The bear thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, and I will eat the salmon."
A hunter is watching the bear and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, the bear will eat the salmon, and I will shoot the bear."
A mouse is watching the hunter's sandwich and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, the bear will eat the salmon, the hunter will shoot the bear, and I will take some cheese from the hunter's sandwich."
A cat is watching the mouse and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, the bear will eat the salmon, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will get some cheese from the hunter's sandwich, and while he is occupied with the cheese, I will eat him!"
So the fly dropped the 6 inches and the salmon ate it, the bear ate the salmon, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse got his cheese, but the cat slipped and fell into the pond!
The moral of the story is:
When the fly drops 6 inches, the pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vu86r/a_salmon_is_watching_a_fly_hover_6_inches_above/
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A little boy and his grandfather

are raking leaves in the yard. The  little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,  "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather  replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp  to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the  house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm  until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put  the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five  dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty  minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another  five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five  dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vu7pf/a_little_boy_and_his_grandfather/
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This guy wakes up

out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges  his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I  have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't  like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled  back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vu777/this_guy_wakes_up/
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Two five year old boys

are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vu6yw/two_five_year_old_boys/
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If I had a nickle for every gender

I'd identify as a millionaire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vu66o/if_i_had_a_nickle_for_every_gender/
%
A man gets pulled over by the cops...

PO: "Sir, i see here on your license it requires you to be wearing prescription glasses at all times. You're in a lot of trouble."
G: "Yeah - so?, but I've got contacts!"
PO: "I don't care who you're in cahoots with, you're coming with me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vu3rs/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_the_cops/
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Dr. Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition

And is promptly left in embarrassment when he realizes that he severely misunderstood the subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vtz9h/dr_frankenstein_enters_a_bodybuilding_competition/
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How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife's clothes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vtxnw/how_can_you_tell_if_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
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What do women and warm toilet seats have in common?

They are both nice to be on, but it makes you wonder who was there before you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vtwqt/what_do_women_and_warm_toilet_seats_have_in_common/
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A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns

, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It"s disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He replied, "It"s got nothing to do with you, I"ve paid my fare for this journey and I"ll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can"t you see I"m trying to sleep?" "It"s got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I"ve paid my fare and I"ll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman"s knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you"ll get fined $200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you"ll get six years when the police smell your fingers...."''
\#copied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vttpy/a_man_was_sitting_on_a_london_train_eating_a_bag/
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Set you Wifi password to 244466666

So you can say the password is 123456.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vtrhq/set_you_wifi_password_to_244466666/
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Yo momma so fat

Thanos had to snap twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vtlww/yo_momma_so_fat/
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A man was naked on the beach

He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.
A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat”
He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vtks4/a_man_was_naked_on_the_beach/
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The bartender at my neighborhood pub calls me Kevin McAllister.

Because I’m always going Home Alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vthg7/the_bartender_at_my_neighborhood_pub_calls_me/
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So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vtcyc/so_sick_of_double_standards_these_days/
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Don't want to advertise it but I'm on reddit and I have friends

All ten seasons. (Message me if interested)
Edit : sold to some stranger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vtb55/dont_want_to_advertise_it_but_im_on_reddit_and_i/
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I was going to make a joke about saggy breasts.

But it’s a bit below the belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vtakp/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_saggy_breasts/
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It's absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler

Hitler volunteered for the army.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vt5hj/its_absurd_to_compare_donald_trump_to_adolf_hitler/
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Why Is Hide And Seek Like Sex?

Because ready or not, here I come!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vt22b/why_is_hide_and_seek_like_sex/
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A little kid is given a day-off by his teacher

Billy is given a day-off by his teacher because she’s busy on that day. As soon as the class is over, he phones his grandfather, who is a boss of a company:
“Grandad, my teacher gave me a day-off tomorrow so can you take me to the zoo please?”
“Sure thing, my boy” His grandfather replies
After the kid hang up, the grandfather calls his secretary and said:
“ Tommorow i will take my grandson to the zoo. Therefore, you don’t need to come to work tomorrow.”
“Thank you sir” said the secretary before she left
The secretary then proceeds to call her husband:
“Honey, my boss just gave me a day off on tomorrow. I will stay home with you on that day then.”
“Ok. Thanks for letting me know” said her husband.
Immediately, the husband rings a girl he’s having an affair with:
“Babe, my wife is staying home tomorrow. Look like we have to cancel”
“Aw, that sucks” said the girl before she hang up and called her student:
“Hey Bill, i’m not busy anymore. Come to school tomorrow”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vt0i3/a_little_kid_is_given_a_dayoff_by_his_teacher/
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An elderly woman goes to the hospital

She tells her doctor "Doctor, I have a very strange problem. I fart continuously, like several times per minute. In fact, I have farted three times since I entered this room, but you probably didn't realize it because my farts are always silent, and have no smell whatsoever. It is still very annoying as it happens night and day and I don't know what to do."
"I think I know what's going on, take one of these pills every morning and come back to see me next week" says the doctor, and hands her a box of pills.
The next week the woman comes back and tells the doctor angrily "I don't know what you did to me, I am still farting continuously, but now my farts smell like rotten eggs, I can't even stand the smell myself!!!"
The doctor says "Great! That took care of your sinuses, now lets look at those ears..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vszv0/an_elderly_woman_goes_to_the_hospital/
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A young Freddie Mercury walks into a music class

Music Teacher: "What instrument do you play?"
Freddie: "The crowd."
Music Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Freddie: "AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOO"
Music Class:"AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOO"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vszqk/a_young_freddie_mercury_walks_into_a_music_class/
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What do you call a Tolkien tree creature that bears a certain type of fall fruit?

I don’t know either, but it should be A Pear Ent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vswpk/what_do_you_call_a_tolkien_tree_creature_that/
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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening." The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar." He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!" So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on." He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up." He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vsv3w/wait_what_was_my_line_again/
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A gentleman was heading to the pub when he saw an old man fishing in a puddle.

“Poor old fool,” the gentleman thought to himself as he watched him. He invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vsuz1/a_gentleman_was_heading_to_the_pub_when_he_saw_an/
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Why didn't the Jewish boy come home from camp?

Because he was having a great time and decided to stay for another week ... you sick fuckers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vsu4e/why_didnt_the_jewish_boy_come_home_from_camp/
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Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages.

For example, in Korea a dog makes a sizzling noise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vstjy/apparently_animals_make_different_sounds/
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Condoms don't guarantee much protection during sex

A friend on mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vshuc/condoms_dont_guarantee_much_protection_during_sex/
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What does the word 'gay' mean?

asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vseuw/what_does_the_word_gay_mean/
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Doctor doctor

2 doctors and an hmo manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.
One doctor steps forward and tells St.Peter,"As a paediatric surgeon i saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says "As a psychiatrist,i have helped thousands of people to live better lives." St.Peter tell him to go ahead.
The last man says "I was an hmo manager i got countless families cost effective healthcare."
St. Peter replies "You may enter. But."he adds, "you can only stay for three days.After that, you can go to hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vsei4/doctor_doctor/
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My mum likes to take the elevator, while I like to take the stairs

Guess we were raised differently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vs9bh/my_mum_likes_to_take_the_elevator_while_i_like_to/
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Dumbest kid in the world...

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vs66x/dumbest_kid_in_the_world/
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I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle.”
I laughed right in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vs3jb/i_think_the_girl_at_the_american_airlines_checkin/
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A state trooper pulls over a speeding car.

The trooper approaches the car and says “90 miles an hour in a 65, what’s the rush?”
The man in the car replies “I’m a magician and juggler at the circus and I’ll be late!”
The state trooper thinks for a minute and puts the man up to a challenge. The state trooper says “Alright, here’s what I’ll do. I’ll let you go if you juggle 5 balls”
The man says to the trooper “all of my equipment is at the circus, I don’t have anything on me at the moment.”
The trooper tells the man to wait and walks back to his car. As the trooper walks back, the man sees the trooper holding 5 road flares under his arms.
The trooper says “juggle these”
The man is more than happy to. As the trooper is handing him the flares he starts to light them.
The man is killing it while juggling these flares, doing spins and throwing them behind his back.
About 5 minutes pass and a car slams on its breaks behind the troopers car and lets out a loud screech that catches the troopers attention. In the distance man stumbles out of the car, leans against his car and watches in awe as the man is still juggling after hearing a car come to a screeching halt.
Another 5 minutes pass by and the magician is still going strong. In the distance the trooper heard footsteps, and as it caught his attention he saw his police car door slam shut, the third man was inside of the police car.
The trooper tells the magician he’s free to go, shakes his hand and tips his hat. The magician drives off. The trooper walks over to the car and immediately burns his nostrils on the intense smell of alcohol radiating from the man inside of his car. The trooper confused asks “what are you doing??”
The man says “you may as well take my ass to jail,
there’s no way I’m passing that test.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vrwlp/a_state_trooper_pulls_over_a_speeding_car/
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Samsung Announces a Foldable Phone

weird flex but ok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vru8p/samsung_announces_a_foldable_phone/
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck. Get the fuck away from me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vrmc0/a_womans_husband_had_been_slipping_in_and_out_of/
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What do you call a reptilian detective that just can't let something go?

An investedgator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vriad/what_do_you_call_a_reptilian_detective_that_just/
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On Halloween night, a kid knocks on this man’s door. As the man opens the door...

Kid: Bick ‘r beat!
Man: I’m sorry, what was that?
Kid: Bick ‘r beat!
Man: Oh, you mean ‘trick or treat’?
Kid: Yeah! Bick ‘r beat!
Man: Ok, so what are you supposed to be, young man?
Kid: I’m a birate!
Man: Could you say that again?
Kid: A birate!
Man: Oh, ok, you’re a pirate! Well, if you’re a pirate, where are your buccaneers?
Kid: Right here on my buckin’ head!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vrhb8/on_halloween_night_a_kid_knocks_on_this_mans_door/
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Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vrgoq/two_guys_run_their_own_business_out_of_the_same/
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what do you do with epileptic lettuce?

You make a seizure salad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vresn/what_do_you_do_with_epileptic_lettuce/
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Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vr40i/waiter_i_see_your_glass_is_empty_would_you_like/
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I bought a book about improving memory

When I put it on my  bookshelf, I saw three same books there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vr2lc/i_bought_a_book_about_improving_memory/
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Hey you want more proof that Donald Trump is a bad gambler?

Well just this Tuesday he lost the House!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vr03z/hey_you_want_more_proof_that_donald_trump_is_a/
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I like my women like I like my coffee.

Kept in the freezer to stay fresh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vqzn2/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

just two but fuck knows how they got in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vqyqb/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting.

The first morning, Bill goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sights and fires. He then looks all around, but he can't find the bear.
​
All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.
​
The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimatum. The bear tells him that he can either drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.
​
Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin.
​
The next morning, Bill takes an even bigger gun with him and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, gets the bear in his sights and shoots! He looks all around, but there is no bear. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''
​
Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin.
​
Bill is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sights, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna fuckin' get it!'' He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder. He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?'''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vquef/a_group_of_men_go_up_into_the_mountains_to_go/
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Boy Born Without Eyelids Undergoes Graft Surgery Using His Own Foreskin

Doctors say, "He's fine now, just a little cock-eyed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vqn8j/boy_born_without_eyelids_undergoes_graft_surgery/
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An astronaut is having a panic attack on the ISS

The gravity of the situation was too little for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vqm0u/an_astronaut_is_having_a_panic_attack_on_the_iss/
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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into his bed, and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates,, where St. Peter, said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."
Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past.
"So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Bob, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Bob
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell "BOB, wake up! You've shit the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vqjyc/bob_came_home_drunk_one_night_slid_into_his_bed/
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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vqiss/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_runny_nose/
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A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out, he handed me the dog and  said, “Here is ze dog, keep him warm and he vill be fine.” I said, “Are you a vet?” He replied, “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vqiau/a_german_tourist_jumped_in_the_freezing_water_to/
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What do you call it when a giant masturbates?

Jacking the beanstalk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vqgmd/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_giant_masturbates/
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Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition...

...and finds he has vastly misunderstood the objective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vqfxm/frankenstein_enters_a_bodybuilding_competition/
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Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vqf43/got_my_girlfriend_a_get_better_soon_card/
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Have you seen my goat?

Two guys were walking through the woods when they came upon a huge hole. They wondered how deep it was so they stared to drop things down it. They started with a stone, and listened. Nothing. Then a large log. Still nothing. Then they found a huge piece of concrete. The two of them struggled to get it to the edge before dropping it into the abyss. As they stood there, listening for it to hit bottom, a goat came flying past diving straight into the bottomless pit.
As they were walking back out of the woods a farmer approached. "Y'all seen a goat?" he asked. "Sure did," the men replied "ran right past us and dove into a hole!"
"Couldn't have been my goat" the farmer replied, "mine was tied to a chunk of concrete."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vqb6l/have_you_seen_my_goat/
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Your Duck is Dead !!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vq6ma/your_duck_is_dead/
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Two prawns called Christian and Terry are out for their morning swim.

Soon they happen upon a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.
“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wish for saving me.”
Christian thinks and says, “I wish to be attractive to lady prawns.” Cod grants his wish.
Terry thinks and says, “I’m tired of being the bottom of the food chain. Make me into a dangerous predator.”
So Cod turns Terry into a shark and swims away. Of course, Christian is terrified, swims under a pile of rocks and refuses to come out, no matter what Terry says.
Distraught that his wish has come at the cost of his closest friendship, Terry decides to look for the magic codfish once again. Swimming constantly, he finds that most fish he encounters flee at the sight of him, or keep pace just behind his fins.
Finally he rediscovers the magic codfish, this time stuck in a bicycle wheel. He frees him and wishes to return to his previous state. Terry happily swims the many miles back home and approaches his friend, still under the pile of rocks.
“I have wonderful news,” says Terry. “My journey has been long and arduous, but I’ve found Cod, and I’m a prawn again, Christian!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vq3cr/two_prawns_called_christian_and_terry_are_out_for/
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What does an insomniac dyslexic agnostic do?

Stays up late at night wondering whether there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vpziv/what_does_an_insomniac_dyslexic_agnostic_do/
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An epileptic has started waking himself each morning with flashing lights...

He says it’s part of his new plan to seize the day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vpz6v/an_epileptic_has_started_waking_himself_each/
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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, the wife asked her husband : "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed and told his wife : "Honey, do you promise that you wouldn't get mad, no matter how I answer?"
His wife said : "I promise and I'll never bring it up again."
The husband looked her over and said : "I fucked your sister."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vpyzs/a_man_and_his_wife_were_getting_dressed_for_a_big/
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If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple.

And if you were a vegetable, I'd still visit you in the hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vpyc0/if_you_were_a_fruit_youd_be_a_fineapple/
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I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vpu0a/i_asked_my_daughter_if_shed_seen_my_newspaper_she/
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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vptlz/a_sperm_cell_contains_about_375_mb_of_information/
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A Sailor Walks into a Bar

He sits at the bar, and the bartender notices that he has a head the size of a baseball. The bartender then asks him what happened to his head? The sailor begins to tell his story.
"So I was stranded at sea, and I was approached by a mermaid who granted me three wishes. The first wish was for optimal conditions for a safe voyage home. My second wish was for fame and fortune when I arrive back home. The third wish was to have sex with a mermaid. She replied by saying that it wouldn't be possible due to the fact that she has a tail."
The bartender replies "So what happened?"
"I asked if it was possible to give me a little head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vprtx/a_sailor_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear about the flower that had its stamen surgically removed?

It must have been a transplant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vpq0d/did_you_hear_about_the_flower_that_had_its_stamen/
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When the homeless ask me for change

I say sorry I only have cash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vppkm/when_the_homeless_ask_me_for_change/
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What did the shy pebble wish for?

To be a little bolder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vpcrf/what_did_the_shy_pebble_wish_for/
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A vegan came up to me...

And said that vegans were actually the reincarnated spirits of the animals who died horrific deaths at the hands of humans..
I immediately responded with
'Really? Fuck no wonder vegans are stupid'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vpb5e/a_vegan_came_up_to_me/
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What do you call it when worms take over the world?

Global Worming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vpanc/what_do_you_call_it_when_worms_take_over_the_world/
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My three favourite things.

My three favourite things are eating my family and not using commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vp4rm/my_three_favourite_things/
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A monkey is in a tree smoking a joint...

A monkey is in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard crawls up the branch to the money and asks "What are you doing?"  The monkey responds, "Smoking a joint. Want a hit?"
The lizard takes a long drag and after a minute says "I'm so thirsty, I need to take a drink from the nearby lake."  The lizard climbs down the tree and goes to the lake. While he's drinking the water, an alligator shows up and says "Hey, you look like you've had a good time."
The lizard, knowing the monkey would share, says "Yeah, go that way into the forest and you'll find a monkey in a tree. Go say hi and he'll share a joint with you."
The alligator starts walking into the forest and finds the joint-smoking monkey. He looks up and calls out to the monkey "Hey how's it going?"  The monkey goes wide-eyed and responds with surprise "Woah, how much water did you drink?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vozjs/a_monkey_is_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint/
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A grasshopper walks into a bar

the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Jeff?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vowd5/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear about the legless alcoholic nun?

Try as hard as she might, she just couldn’t kick her habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9votlx/did_you_hear_about_the_legless_alcoholic_nun/
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How do you know a joke isn't a repost?

When it doesn't reach the front page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vokt6/how_do_you_know_a_joke_isnt_a_repost/
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I installed Fortnite on my laptop and I already killed 20 kids

They should have known better than to approach a stranger offering them a free laptop with Fortnite on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9voj9i/i_installed_fortnite_on_my_laptop_and_i_already/
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What do you call an electrician who gets a sex change?

A transister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9voitc/what_do_you_call_an_electrician_who_gets_a_sex/
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What does Batman spend his money on?

Batmo-bills!
Sorry...I'll see myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9voig3/what_does_batman_spend_his_money_on/
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Do you want to know the best way to scam someone?

Give me $5 and I’ll show you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vohdk/do_you_want_to_know_the_best_way_to_scam_someone/
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I’ve just seen a robot ejaculate 100 meters

Technology has come so far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vofje/ive_just_seen_a_robot_ejaculate_100_meters/
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When I was in school every classroom had a chalkboard. Now every classroom has a whiteboard.

They are remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vo5vm/when_i_was_in_school_every_classroom_had_a/
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I want my headstone to read "He died doing what he loved"

Absolutely nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vo31b/i_want_my_headstone_to_read_he_died_doing_what_he/
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Two men are traveling to Australia....

Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the two men catch a cab to their hotel.
When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vo26a/two_men_are_traveling_to_australia/
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Everyone at my university is morbidly obese, it's making my brain hurt

I think it's the hippo campus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vnxqx/everyone_at_my_university_is_morbidly_obese_its/
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“How much wood have you chopped?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vnxpg/how_much_wood_have_you_chopped/
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A guy walks into a bar and asks “ What’s the WiFi password?”

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Guy: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Guy: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: £3
Guy: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vnxlb/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_whats_the_wifi/
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A man's wife catches him watching porn

She gets hurt and angry and asks him why he needs that.
He says, "I'm sorry, but these cam girls do things you would never do, honey."
She says, "That's simply not true! You just didn't scroll down far enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vnp4a/a_mans_wife_catches_him_watching_porn/
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Did you know pidgeons die during sex?

Well, the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vno9s/did_you_know_pidgeons_die_during_sex/
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Whenever I see a girl walking her dog, I always say hi to the dog first.

Bitches love that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vnn3e/whenever_i_see_a_girl_walking_her_dog_i_always/
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What's the difference between a nude and a guitar accessory shaped like a penis?

One's a dick pic.
The other's a dick pick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vnk37/whats_the_difference_between_a_nude_and_a_guitar/
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I visited the UK recently and saw a hotel listing for 2000 pounds.

That's a ton of money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vnj3q/i_visited_the_uk_recently_and_saw_a_hotel_listing/
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I always thought the origin of the word "politics" was a strangely accurate description of itself.

"Poli-" meaning "many",
"-tics" meaning "bloodsucking parasites."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vnika/i_always_thought_the_origin_of_the_word_politics/
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Me: Hey windmill, what's your favorite type of music?

Windmill: I'm a big metal fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vnge0/me_hey_windmill_whats_your_favorite_type_of_music/
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A: I have a huge problem. B: Are you talking about the test tomorrow?

A: I have two huge problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vng1e/a_i_have_a_huge_problem_b_are_you_talking_about/
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Women are like snowflakes

Every one I touch suddenly disappears without a trace

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vnfv4/women_are_like_snowflakes/
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What's Thanos' favourite game? [OC]

Half Life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vnfc1/whats_thanos_favourite_game_oc/
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Two things will never get old.

1.jokes about parents of unvaccinated children.
2.unvaccinated children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vnf7h/two_things_will_never_get_old/
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I was mugged by a thief

last night on my way home.
Pointing a knife at me... He asked me "your money or your life!"
I told him I am married... So I have no money and no life...
We hugged and cried together.
It was a beautiful moment...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vnets/i_was_mugged_by_a_thief/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vncjk/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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A dominatrix walks down the hallway of her brothel...

...into one of the many rooms. Inside, there's a man blindfolded, handcuffed, and chained to the floor. She walks up and slaps him as hard as she can and says, "Who's my little bitch?"
The man screams and yells, "What the fuck are doing?"
The mistress was confused, she'd been prepped for this client and this wasn't how he was supposed to respond. "Is something wrong," she asked. "I thought you wanted to be smacked around."
"No! I like my nipples pinched and verbal humiliation!"
"Sorry, wrong sub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vn7fv/a_dominatrix_walks_down_the_hallway_of_her_brothel/
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What time does Sean Connery attend the Wimbledon?

Tennish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vn6uk/what_time_does_sean_connery_attend_the_wimbledon/
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Why don't women like to dance with German men?

Cause they're all Hans
(this is my first attempt at writing a joke, go easy)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vn643/why_dont_women_like_to_dance_with_german_men/
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what's the worst thing you can say at a funeral?

"My bad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vn3sn/whats_the_worst_thing_you_can_say_at_a_funeral/
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Whats worse that 7 babies tied to one tree?

one baby tied to 7 trees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vn3cm/whats_worse_that_7_babies_tied_to_one_tree/
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A wife takes her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vn3ai/a_wife_takes_her_husband_dave_to_a_strip_club_for/
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The Canary Islands have no canaries living there. It's the same with the Virgin Islands.

No canaries there either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vn2vz/the_canary_islands_have_no_canaries_living_there/
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I was walking behind a woman last night

Suddenly she glances back and picks up the pace. So I do too.
She walks even faster, as do I.
She starts running, and I run too, as fast as I can until I get home.
I still don’t know what we were running from, but I was scared shitless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vmwu4/i_was_walking_behind_a_woman_last_night/
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Guy walks into a library.

He saunters up to the main desk and roars as loudly as he can at one of the librarians “CAN I GET A BURGER AND FRIES PLEASE MY DUDE!!!”. The librarian gives him a withering look and says “Excuse me, this is a library!”. Guy responds in a quiet whisper “my apologies, can I get a burger and fries please?”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vmu9h/guy_walks_into_a_library/
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A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vmjmw/a_man_called_the_hotel_manager/
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My girlfriend wanted to have sex somewhere exciting

.
So I waited until night and told her to get in the car with me and cover her eyes.
I drove for a while and parked then we got in the back seat and starting having sex.
She said "Ooh, this IS exciting! Doing it in the backseat of a car, with the risk of getting caught!".
Right before she was about to cum, I stopped.
She said, "What is it?"
I said, "I think I hear the train coming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vmivt/my_girlfriend_wanted_to_have_sex_somewhere/
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[At a party]

Dad: " this bouncy castle is twice the price of last year "
Kid: " dad no "
Dad: " that's.. "
Kid: " please no dad "
Dad: " ..inflation for you "
* kids start crying *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vmer6/at_a_party/
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Communism was bound to fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vmd13/communism_was_bound_to_fail/
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Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vmbt8/personally_i_dont_believe_in_bros_before_hoes_or/
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Walking down the beech, a guy kicks a lamp, and a geenie pops out.

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects the whole world together, so I can ride everywhere?" The genie explains that while he is magic, he doesn't possess the power to grant him a wish of that magnitude, and asked the man to pick another wish. The man says "well, my other passion is reading jokes on reddit, but the jokes on r/jokes all seem to be reposts, can you get some new material on there?" The genie asks "Was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vmbfi/walking_down_the_beech_a_guy_kicks_a_lamp_and_a/
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A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vm9lp/a_small_boy_asks_his_dad_dad_what_are_politics/
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A woman and man get into a car accident

Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vm7os/a_woman_and_man_get_into_a_car_accident/
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My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vm7fi/my_wife_gets_upset_when_i_steal_her_kitchen/
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There was once a boy named Al who had special magical powers.

He could produce any kind of delicious food imaginable at the blink of an eye just by touching a utensil. People from all around his village would come everyday to witness this themselves.They would bring a bowl or a plate from their home and return with it being full of delicious food. Whenever anyone came up to him with a bowl, he would just proudly say "Ready the bowl, Mam !"and in a puff of smoke that bowl would be full of whatever that person desired to eat.He could make sweets , he could make beverages , he could make anything the heart desired, and he helped everyone with his gift.
Because of this helpful nature he was beloved by everyone in the village. All the girls liked him and all the boys wanted to be friends with him. Except for one who one day out of jealousy ran to the king and told him everything about Al and his powers because he wished for Al to be captured by him, And the greedy king took the bait and sent his soldiers to capture Al by any means necessary. But Al was warned beforehand by a well-wisher of him at the court whom Al had helped once.So he ran away from the village, from everything he knew. His family, His friends, His life.He ran until he could run no longer and he slipped and collapsed.
When he opened his eyes the next time he saw that he was in some sort of a hut with an old guy tending to his wounds. Startled he immediately tried to flee, but the old man reassured him that no harm would come his way there. He told him that he was a woodcutter, He made a meagre income to sustain himself and his livestock. After feeling reassured Al decided that he is going to live here now and help the old man. He said to the old man the he doesn't need to do work anymore now that he's here. He asked the old man to bring him a plate or a bowl. The puzzled old man brought him a plate and a glass. Al took the plate and with a proud smile he said  "ready the plate, Sir!" and Poof!, The plate was filled with delicious roasted chicken and herb-basted potatoes with the glass filled with the finest beer in the whole kingdom. Dumbstruck the Old man after tasting the food a bit merrily ate the most delicious meal of his life.
After that beautiful meal the old man thanked Al but told him that it's not that he HAS to chop wood. It's just a part of his life and that he loves going to the market and meeting people there. Al confided and decided to go with the old man to the market everyday, because if he wished to live a normal life, he was going to need to learn some basic skills. So the old man took Al as his apprentice and taught him everything that he knew. He found joy in the young boy trying to learn his craft and was happy with his dedication to working.
Slowly as time passed on that young boy became a young adult, with the old man now confined to his hut due to his health. Al took care of everything now, He would make him soup and chop wood to buy medicine from the local apothecary.
But as slowly more time passed it became evident that the old man was nearing his end. One day when Al returned from the market he saw the old man lying on the bed, Al quickly rushed to his side where the old man put his hand on Al and told him
how much he loved him, about how he was like his son he never had, with tears in his eyes , Al thanked the old man for saving him and as he was thanking he felt the hand of the old man slowly slipping from his shoulders, with the last words by him being about forgiveness and compassion, with Al now again
after all these years left without a family. He arranged a proper burial of the old man in the woods where he just sat near his grave thinking what he was going to do next. After all this time he finally had time again to think about his old life
his family, his friendss, his old village. He decided to go visit his old village, assured that nobody should be able to recognize him after all these years. He knew that the old greedy king was no more and thus he was able to easily reach his village.
Upon reaching he saw that the village he once knew was no longer there. In it's place was a dilapidated town where everything was dark even the people everyone was mean to everyone else. Nobody laughed or played anymore. As he reached the townsquare he saw a man alone on a stage speaking to the 10-15 people who were there. As Al walked closer to hear what was being said, He was shocked. The person there spoke of Al, about how he had wronged Al when they were just kids,
about how Al was the life of the village , about how he was sorry for doing all this to him and about how he has been speaking at that very spot there for years trying to remind the people of that town of the good in their hearts.
After hearing all this Al recognised that man to be the kid that wronged him and he started to get angry but then he saw the man take a tray from his pouch and show it to everyone and then shouted,
"Al ! If you are here, know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything that I did to you. If you could find it in your heart please forgive the man that stands in front of you and fill this tray and this town with your magic. Make this town remember its roots again"
After hearing all this Al was fuming with anger.
How could he ? How could he expect forgiveness after ruining his life. Feeling almost disgusted he started to leave but then he remembered the old mans words. He thought about all the good times he has had with him, and he remembered his message about forgiveness and compassion. After a minute of standing still  he slowly started making his way towards the stage until he was standing in front of the crowd. The man on the stage a
little surprised asked Al
"Who are you ?"
Tearing up he stepped forth , took the tray and with the same proud feeling that he once felt ,smiling gleefully,screamed at the top of his lungs,
"I'm Al, Ready Tray, Sir ! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vm53j/there_was_once_a_boy_named_al_who_had_special/
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I've been trying to give up innuendo

but it's ***so*** hard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vm41s/ive_been_trying_to_give_up_innuendo/
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I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vm3hm/i_just_started_practicing_some_speed_reading/
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What's blue but is'nt heavy?

Light Blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vm182/whats_blue_but_isnt_heavy/
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My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vm010/my_son_is_three_years_old_and_i_took_him_shopping/
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A cowboy is riding along when he comes across a Indian with his ear to the ground

The cowboy wonders what the Indian is doing, but before he can ask, the Indian says, "A wagon came through here four hours ago."
"That's amazing!" the cowboy exclaimed.
"It was carrying a family of a husband, wife, and two little girls, travelling west."
Incredulous, the cowboy asks, "How can you know all this?"
The Indian says, "The wagon broke my damn neck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vlzy5/a_cowboy_is_riding_along_when_he_comes_across_a/
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They say a house divided against itself cannot stand

But house÷house = 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vlzwm/they_say_a_house_divided_against_itself_cannot/
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’
The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vlzs8/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
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The only thing flat earthers fear...

Is Sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vlxq4/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
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A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vlwht/a_man_takes_his_seat_at_the_world_cup_final_he/
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Women shoots her husband

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
"I have an interesting case here " he says  "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped".
"Have you arrested her ? " asks the sergeant .
"No not yet the floor is still wet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vlv6l/women_shoots_her_husband/
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A monocle walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vltwm/a_monocle_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees.

Because they are really good at it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vlt1h/why_dont_you_ever_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom..

He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them.
He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it.
He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers.
At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vllx0/a_guy_is_taking_his_girlfriend_to_prom/
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Why did the fish blush?

Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vllrm/why_did_the_fish_blush/
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A man goes to a fortune teller

"Can you read people's futures?" asked the man.
"Of course dear," said the old fortune teller peering into her crystal ball, "I have predicted many events and have given people their futures accurately. Now, what would you like to know?"
The man was hesitant and doubtful but asked nonetheless, "What does my future look like?"
The fortune teller nodded and peered into her crystal ball. It lit up with various colors and different intensities  of light then by the end, sudden darkness. Her expression all the while changed from surprise to fascination to sadness. This made the man anxious to say the least.
"So? What did it you see?"
"Well, right now you have two paths you may take. One good and one bad."
"What are they specifically?"
"The bad path puts you on a lonesome road. It is filled with sadness and you will soon fade from the minds of many people. You will not be recognized nor will you garner any riches, be it gold and other riches."
"And the good?"
"The good path will make you great and well known among many. You will be ahead of everyone else and the numbers will flow to you, they will be on your side. But..." The fortune teller stops and peers back into the crystal ball which flickered.
"But what? It already sounds great, I'd choose that in a heartbeat, so what more is there?" Asked the man who got excited but became nervous once again.
"All this fame and fortune will lead this to become the worst thing which everybody hates and despises." The crystal ball suddenly became as black as can be.
The man asked in a cold sweat, "And what is that?"
"A repost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vlkcv/a_man_goes_to_a_fortune_teller/
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What's the first letter of the Canadian alphabet?

Eh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vlhfy/whats_the_first_letter_of_the_canadian_alphabet/
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Did you know that r/Jokes is the most environmentally-friendly subreddit?

It has a 98% recycling rate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vlela/did_you_know_that_rjokes_is_the_most/
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R/Jokes is the best subreddit

for Alzheimer’s Patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vlees/rjokes_is_the_best_subreddit/
%
What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vldh7/what_do_you_call_a_tennis_match_between_helen/
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Let me tell you about my Uncle Ernest. He drank furniture polish and died.

It’s a sad story with a beautiful finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vl8gm/let_me_tell_you_about_my_uncle_ernest_he_drank/
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Why don't conservatives believe in global warming?

Because of all the snowflakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vl6o8/why_dont_conservatives_believe_in_global_warming/
%
An angry wife calls her husband...

“Where the hell are you, you goddamn drunk? I’ve been trying to reach you all afternoon!”
He answers: “Hey, honey. Remember that jewelry store where you saw that gorgeous diamond ring the other day?”
“Why, yes, of course!”
“I’m at the bar next door.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vl67l/an_angry_wife_calls_her_husband/
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A guy meets up with his buddy who is sporting a black eye.

The guy asks, "How did you get that shiner?"
His buddy replies, "I called my girlfriend a two-bit slut."
The guy says, "Bad move!"
His buddy adds, "I'll say!  She hit me with a sack of quarters!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vl5gl/a_guy_meets_up_with_his_buddy_who_is_sporting_a/
%
My email account got hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vl4rj/my_email_account_got_hacked_again/
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Newton [Long]

A man called Newton goes to a Chinese restaurant. He orders some fortune cookies. When they arrive, he opens one and sees what's in it. Only one word is written:
*Newton*
Newton raises his eyes in a mixture of confusion and surprise. How the hell did that coincidence happen? Why was his name printed on that fortune cookie sheet?  He finishes his meal, the thought still on his mind. He then goes to see the chef to ask what's going on. The chef replies that he has no idea and that it must just be a mistake.
Newton forgets about the matter entirely and goes home. Several weeks later, he comes again to dine again at the Chinese restaurant, since he's gotten a bit tired of pizza. He orders a fortune cookie and some noodles. When he opens the fortune cookie, however, this odd sight greets him inside.
*Newton, but*
Now the memories of his previous visit come flooding back. It can't be a coincidence this time, surely...but the chef still insists that it must be a coincidence. He gives up, and goes home.
Months later, the man is out on a date, and he stops at the restaurant again. They both go in. He just orders noodles this time but his date orders a fortune cookie. When the cookie arrives, she opens it and gasps. She immediately shows it to the man, who almost snaps at the sight of the contents.
*Newton, but where's*
The chef still denies that this is being done on purpose, of course, and the man gives up and instead decides to treat his date to some Italian food instead. After that, the date goes splendidly. they both strike it off and they start dating more often. Some months after that, the man proposes to her and she accepts. Then a year later, the wedding is about to be held. Both the man and his wife feel like the happiest people on earth. Their union as man and wife is done and they embrace each other in a passionate kiss. After that, a grand dinner is held, but the man recognises one of the caterers there.
"Hey, aren't you the guy at that one Chinese restaurant?", he asks. "Yes, sir, but unfortunately it closed down a month back, so I have become a caterer for this place", he replies.
The man raises his eyebrows, remembering the entire fortune cookie thing. "Say, that whole fortune cookie thing was just a coincidence, right?" The chef nods. "Of course, sir! If you'd like, I can make you one right now to prove it!"
The man reluctantly agrees, and at the end of the dinner the fortune cookie arrives. He slowly opens it, trying to remember the contents of the previous ones. "Newton, but where's"...something? Where's what? A wife, perhaps? Was this just fate's way of foreshadowing his marriage today? Of course...he gives a contented smile thinking about it. It all makes sense. Maybe he shouldn't have gotten so upset over it after all. He breaks open the fortune cookie finally, and reads it out loud in his excitement.
"Newton, but where's Oldton?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vl39q/newton_long/
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What is the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Your mama can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vl336/what_is_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_three/
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A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vl2kv/a_slice_of_apple_pie_costs_250_in_jamaica_and_300/
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Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint...

The phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vl1cr/pavlov_is_sitting_at_a_pub_enjoying_a_pint/
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Me : *washing car with son*

Son : "Dad can't you just use a sponge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vkykr/me_washing_car_with_son/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vkyeb/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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These three guys die together

in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy.
Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vkvwr/these_three_guys_die_together/
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A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory

And once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
"Okay Mr. Milly Terry," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened ?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Hugh Cumber was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir."
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vkv1g/a_terrific_explosion_occurs_in_a_gunpowder_factory/
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Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because he was stuck in some crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vktxu/why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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Passport? What Passport?

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 92, arrived in Paris by plane with his son.
At French customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible! Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then, he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on, D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to."
You could have heard a pin drop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vktlg/passport_what_passport/
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What did the Linux admin say to his racoon friend?

I am root.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vkplb/what_did_the_linux_admin_say_to_his_racoon_friend/
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Why can’t the Buddha vacuum under the couch?

Because he doesn’t have any attachments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vknj9/why_cant_the_buddha_vacuum_under_the_couch/
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Sign up today for a new 24 letter alphabet.

No BS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vkmik/sign_up_today_for_a_new_24_letter_alphabet/
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A lesson in government

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vkmeg/a_lesson_in_government/
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Remember when Bill Cosby played a doctor?

#MeToo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vkic6/remember_when_bill_cosby_played_a_doctor/
%
A farmer down the street said he'd been practicing ventriloquism

Turns out he was just talking out of his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vkgnp/a_farmer_down_the_street_said_hed_been_practicing/
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What did the depressed kid say when he broke his pencil?

There's no point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vkgf1/what_did_the_depressed_kid_say_when_he_broke_his/
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How do you know all ducks are druggies?

They're addicted to quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vkdab/how_do_you_know_all_ducks_are_druggies/
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How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, they keep coming to my house and they aren’t changing anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vkbz3/how_many_mormons_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A guy walks into a bar...

He strolls up to the bartender and says “I’ll take.......a pint of Guinness........and a bowl.....of popcorn.”
The bartender pours his beer and sets some popcorn in front of him.  The gentlemen reaches for his beer, revealing that he is wearing two EXTREMELY large fake bear hands.
Curiosity getting the better of him, the bartender asks the guy, “Why the big paws?”
The guy looks at the bartender stunned.
“I have......a speech impediment......asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vkans/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Saving money

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time  they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into an old school china piggy  bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he  accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To  his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and  ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to  his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vk9p2/saving_money/
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What do you do with atomic scientists when they die

Barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vk8zq/what_do_you_do_with_atomic_scientists_when_they/
%
A chicken and a horse were playing together in a barn yard.

Suddenly the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer, save me, save me!" The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out. The horse says,"Thank you, I owe you my life."
A couple days later they're playing again and this time the chicken falls into the pit and calls horse, "Help me Help me! Go get the farmer!" The horse looks everywhere, but he can"t find the farmer, and he then says to the chicken, "Its, OK, I think I can get you out on my own." The horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, "Grab onto my dick." The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, thus, horse saves the chicken's life. Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vk59w/a_chicken_and_a_horse_were_playing_together_in_a/
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Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son.

Wife : Actually, I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper : [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&Js?!
Wife : oh god.
Kidnapper : what?
Wife : you have my husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vk58e/kidnapper_on_phone_we_have_your_son/
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Make a business based around the micropenis

Overhead will be very little, but growth will be short

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vk2ff/make_a_business_based_around_the_micropenis/
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I have a daughter named Autumn. She's disabled now...

... ever since the fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vk1dx/i_have_a_daughter_named_autumn_shes_disabled_now/
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On an undisclosed Singapore Airline flight..

Passenger: Hello Miss, just want to ask you ah, who and where is this Kevin Khoo ah? He seem to be a very busy man. Everyone is looking for him….
Flight Attendant: ?? Sorry, Kevin Khoo?? Not sure what you mean sir..
Passenger: You know Kevin Khoo la…even the Captain is always looking for him…Kevin Khoo please be seated for take off….Kevin Khoo please return to your station…Kevin Khoo please disarm all doors…..Kevin Khoo please be seated for landing…..aiyo! he’s so busy la….why you all never help him one??
Flight Attendant: Sir, I assure you there is no one named Kevin Khoo on this flight.
Passenger: OK Ok, sorry
Few moments later...
Captain: Cabin crew please be seated for take off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vjzqk/on_an_undisclosed_singapore_airline_flight/
%
A guy walks into a bar

and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vjzaj/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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An American dude walks into a bar

We are following this developing tragedy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vjwij/an_american_dude_walks_into_a_bar/
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I like to watch porn with full volume

So I can't hear my mom complaining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vjvuv/i_like_to_watch_porn_with_full_volume/
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My friends told me the other day I try too hard at dark jokes.

Just kidding, they died three years ago in a car wreck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vjll5/my_friends_told_me_the_other_day_i_try_too_hard/
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Donald trump walks into a bar...

And lowers it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vji0p/donald_trump_walks_into_a_bar/
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Whoever invented the knock knock jokes should get a .....

No Bell Prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vjge6/whoever_invented_the_knock_knock_jokes_should_get/
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Last night my date asked, "So how come you haven't already been snapped up?" I replied, "I've been married before, but it didn't work out. She said I was far too inattentive."

"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?"
"Probably."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vjcik/last_night_my_date_asked_so_how_come_you_havent/
%
Was Superman a Blood or a Crip?

Both, he was a blood by day and a Kryptonite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vjc8v/was_superman_a_blood_or_a_crip/
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When rich people go fishing, who hands them their fishing poles?

The Rod Stewart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vjbwv/when_rich_people_go_fishing_who_hands_them_their/
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I read a book on the International Space Station.

I couldn’t put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vj4hx/i_read_a_book_on_the_international_space_station/
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A black man told me a joke.

He said: "The cocaine I just bought is so white, that the cops just let it go with a warning."
I responded: "Did you steal that from reddit?"
He then accused me of being racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vj1fw/a_black_man_told_me_a_joke/
%
A man walks into a bar in a celebratory mood and

He orders a drink and shouts "and a drink on me for everyone here including the barman", he repeats this and everyone is getting quite drunk when the barman asks for him to pay and the man said he has no money today. The barman beats him up and throws him out. A few months later the same man walks in orders a drink and shouts "and a drink for everyone,  including the barman" again when the tab came the man claimed to have no money and the barman beat him up anx threw him out.
A week later the same man walks in, the barman getting his baseball bat ready watches as the man orders a drink, then shouts "and a drink for everyone except the barman" then slaps down a thick wad of cash... The barman asks "what about my drink?" to which the man replied "you get too aggressive when you're drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9viy9n/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_in_a_celebratory_mood_and/
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I insulted an espresso yesterday.

It was a really good roast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vixyu/i_insulted_an_espresso_yesterday/
%
A man walks into a bar..

He orders 3 double wiskeys on the rocks. Tbe bartender pours the drinks and the man pays after finishing them.
The next month the man walks in orders 3 double wiskeys on the rocks and again the bar tender pours them and the man pays after finishing.
This continues a few months and the barman asks: "you seem to always order three of the same drinks at the same time and always on the same day of each month, why such a strange habbit?" the man replies: "Me and two of me friend got seperated after we all emigrated and we decided to keep drinking our wiskeys together as we always done, so we all go at the same day and order the three drinks and drink for each other".
The man continues his monthy visit a few more times until one day he orders only 2 double wiskeys on the rocks... The barman asks "is everything okay?" the man then replies "yes, we are still drinking together where we are, but ive decided to stop drinking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vivrn/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife said to me the other day

"Why don't we play that game again tonight where you pretend to be a burglar with a mask on, sneak in the bedroom and take me roughly while I'm pretending to be asleep"
I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9visud/my_wife_said_to_me_the_other_day/
%
I kept meeting my Chinese friend in the elevator today!

It was Wong on so many different levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vir3a/i_kept_meeting_my_chinese_friend_in_the_elevator/
%
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

"No son, have you seen my dad glasses?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vin43/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
%
A young man wants to join the Navy. "Can you swim?" the recruiter asks him.

"Why, don't you have boats?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vima3/a_young_man_wants_to_join_the_navy_can_you_swim/
%
Why did the french chef commit suicide when he couldn't find his olive oil?

He lost his huile d'olive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vikht/why_did_the_french_chef_commit_suicide_when_he/
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Marriage is the process of ...

finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vij15/marriage_is_the_process_of/
%
sometimes when i get lonely i just get hard in bed and lay there

it's nice to act like there's a hand on my shoulder
(discla8mer i'm drunk i'm sorry if this doesn't make sense)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9viidt/sometimes_when_i_get_lonely_i_just_get_hard_in/
%
How much space does a fungus need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vigtc/how_much_space_does_a_fungus_need_to_grow/
%
Terminator the musical

"I'll be bach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vie8n/terminator_the_musical/
%
An atheist and a holy man are playing golf.

The atheist misses his first shot and curses.
“Damn!”
The holy man winces. “I really don’t think you should say things like that.”
“Oh, stop being such a square,” says the atheist.
They keep playing, and a little later, the atheist misses another shot.
“God damn it, I missed again!”
The holy man tries to admonish the atheist again, but to no avail.
“God really doesn’t like people who speak against him, you know.”
But the atheist dismisses the holy man’s words, and the two keep playing.
Then, the atheist misses a third time.
“GOD DAMN IT! I missed *again*. And don’t you start about your God! Fuck God, anyway, he’s a piece of shit!”
And, at that moment, a bolt of lightning struck the holy man, and he fell dead on the spot.
Then, a voice spoke amid rolling thunder.
“Fuckin’ shitballs, I missed the Goddamn bastard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vic9z/an_atheist_and_a_holy_man_are_playing_golf/
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Head & Shoulders should make a body wash

And call it "Knees & Toes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9viame/head_shoulders_should_make_a_body_wash/
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What's your best knock knock joke?

My grandson gets the giggles big time.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you. Do you love me too?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vi9wx/whats_your_best_knock_knock_joke/
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What did sushi A tell to sushi B?

Wasabi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vi9uc/what_did_sushi_a_tell_to_sushi_b/
%
Why do reddit users hate facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vi8jy/why_do_reddit_users_hate_facebook/
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A tale of two brothers

There were two dwarfs who decided to visit the city one night. They were twin brothers from a remote country town, and had decided to go out and celebrate their 21st birthday.
After some drinks and a nice dinner out, they were walking to the bus stop to go home, when they passed by a brothel. They knew both of them were virgins, so after a quick conversation, they decided that there was no better way to finish of their night of celebration than by getting laid for the very first time.
They entered the brothel, chose a girl each and headed into seperate rooms to enjoy what would likely be the best night of their life.
Despite his best efforts, the first brother was struggling to copulate with his girl. He tried it in doggy, missionary, reverse cowgirl - just about every position he could think of. But nothing seemed to work.
It didn't help that he could hear thumping and thudding from the room next door, and his brother panting and repeatedly saying "One, two, three  ahh. One, two, three ahh".
After about 15 minutes, he gave up trying and walked out of the room, only to see his brother leaving his room too, gasping for breath and covered in sweat.
He said him "that was terrible. I tried everything, but I just couldn't make it work. I feel so embarrassed".
And his brother said "you think that's bad? I couldn't get up on the bed!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vi7hx/a_tale_of_two_brothers/
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I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they were.

It was Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vi67n/i_met_some_chess_players_in_the_hotel_lobby_they/
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What is Trump's favorite pasta?

Putin-esca

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vi5u9/what_is_trumps_favorite_pasta/
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A guy goes up to a girl at the bar...

And says, "I'd tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long."
She responds, "Yeah well I'd tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vi42n/a_guy_goes_up_to_a_girl_at_the_bar/
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Why did I divide Sin by Tan?

Just Cos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vi1ui/why_did_i_divide_sin_by_tan/
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Ancient Humor

Once Plato said "Humans are nothing but featherless bipeds". To this, Diogenes came running with a plucked chicken and said "Behold! A man"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vhsdp/ancient_humor/
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What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are 2.50$.
Deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vhesd/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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Cop: who’s car is this? What do you do for a living? Where are you going?

Miner: mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vhacm/cop_whos_car_is_this_what_do_you_do_for_a_living/
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A lion would never cheat on his wife...

But a Tiger Wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vh8vl/a_lion_would_never_cheat_on_his_wife/
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A Viking is arguing with his wife.

"It's definitely hail," says Gertha.
"No, it's rain!" says Rudolf.
"No, it's round and hard, it's hail!" She retorts.
Getting very flustered now, Rudolf shouts "Look! Rudolf the Red knows rain,
dear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vh12b/a_viking_is_arguing_with_his_wife/
%
You know what they say about bluegrass music...

It's not as bad as it sounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vh05k/you_know_what_they_say_about_bluegrass_music/
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A NFL coach vacationing in Thailand,

Wants to get away from all the game and glamour. So he retreats to a remote village in Thailand. One day, he decides to go watch a local movie.
There are 9 people seated in the small viewing room. As soon as he walks in, they begin applauding, with looks of adulation and starstruck expressions.
The coach, is taken aback. He nods, and addresses the crowd. "I didn't think you'd know who I am all the way out here."
A man rises up and shouts, "I don't know who the hell you are. The person in the box said that he only start movie when ten people come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vgtu6/a_nfl_coach_vacationing_in_thailand/
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A boss wants to have sex with his secretary

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?"
She responds, "The bastard used COINS! I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vgr26/a_boss_wants_to_have_sex_with_his_secretary/
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What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?

The Nba

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vgq0v/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_guys_sitting_on/
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2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom

Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
Arlene: What the hell is that?
Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don't get wet.
Arlene: Where'd you get that at?
Jane: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road!
The next day, Arlene hobbles her way into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (as she is over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand condom she prefers.
Arlene exclaims, "Don't matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!"
\*pharmacist faints\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vgo5v/2_smoking_grandmas_1_condom/
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The farmer and his three daughters

A farmer has three daughters and on the same night they’re all going out with different guys the doorbell rings and the farmer answers the door with a shotgun for intimidation
The first guy says “hey i’m joe i’m here for flo we’re going to the show is she ready to go?”
The farmer liked this man and he let him go then the doorbell rang again and the farmer answered with the shotgun again
The next guy said “hey I’m eddie i’m here for betty we’re getting spaghetti do you know if she’s ready?”
The farmer liked him and let him go then the doorbell rang for a third time and he answered with the shotgun
The third guy said “hey I’m chuck-“
The farmer shot him right there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vgnkv/the_farmer_and_his_three_daughters/
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I went to the grocery store, but didn’t know what to get.

I was overcome with feelings of listlessness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vgn8q/i_went_to_the_grocery_store_but_didnt_know_what/
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Coach: “My boy Kelvin here is gonna freeze out the competition.”

Interviewer: “Is that him over there?Wow, what an absolute unit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vgi4v/coach_my_boy_kelvin_here_is_gonna_freeze_out_the/
%
Every time someone gets better at drying grapes

They're just raisin the bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vgfb2/every_time_someone_gets_better_at_drying_grapes/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

I shot her because I don't want to go to prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vg6bx/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
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Opioid abuse may have a downside...

But it also has its Percs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vg1r7/opioid_abuse_may_have_a_downside/
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What are you doing after November?

Nuttin’ much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vfwd2/what_are_you_doing_after_november/
%
Trump fired Jeff Sessions

The only confederate Monument he is actually willing to take down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vfvsf/trump_fired_jeff_sessions/
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I'm in a same-sex relationship.

We keep having the same sex over and over and over again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vfv8l/im_in_a_samesex_relationship/
%
I once had a panic attack after accidentally swallowing a Lego set.

I was shitting bricks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vfus5/i_once_had_a_panic_attack_after_accidentally/
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Two old men were fishing out on the river

Two old men sat in a boat on the river casting their lines as they the day carried on.
Late in the evening the men noticed a funeral procession passing by on the road in the distance. Without a word, one old man stood up, took off his hat, and bowed his head in a moment of silence.
When he put his hat on and sat back down his friend looked at him and said.
"That was a real nice thing for you to do."
The other old man sighed and said.
"Felt I had to, after all I was married to her for thirty years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vftwy/two_old_men_were_fishing_out_on_the_river/
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An illegal immigrant and a paedophile got into a brawl....

In other words, it was alien vs predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vfpqb/an_illegal_immigrant_and_a_paedophile_got_into_a/
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"As a blind man I never thought I'd see the day we'd have a blind superhero."

"I still haven't but I never thought I would either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vfmp4/as_a_blind_man_i_never_thought_id_see_the_day_wed/
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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court...

Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court when the judge reads over the court documents and says:
"So let me get this straight Mickey, you want to divorce Minnie because she's silly?"
"No, your honor," Mickey said.  "I said she's fucking Goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vffpc/mickey_mouse_and_minnie_mouse_are_in_divorce_court/
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What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for decades?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vfbo0/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_that_has_been_stuck/
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My grandma is divorcing my granddad because he spent their entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure.

She couldn’t take it any longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vf7kc/my_grandma_is_divorcing_my_granddad_because_he/
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What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”
Then
“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vf4xe/what_did_the_preacher_say_at_the_vegetable_mass/
%
Fuck abbreviations

And everything they stand for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vexz7/fuck_abbreviations/
%
A CEO was asked to give money to a charity

A worker at a charity organization went to a CEO's office to ask for a donation.
He Said: "Sir I don't mean to bother you, but I've noticed that you haven't given any money to our charity, you seem pretty well off and we were wondering if you would be willing to donate."
The CEO said: "Did you know that my mother is in the hospital with stage 4 breast cancer and my brother is an amputee?"
Taken aback, the charity worker tried to apologize
The CEO continued: "Also, all three of my children are in debt and are struggling to make a living."
Starting to leave, the charity worker said: "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry."
The CEO, barely even pausing said: "And if I don't give any money to them why should I give any to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vevpv/a_ceo_was_asked_to_give_money_to_a_charity/
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I heard wired connections are faster...

So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need another java update?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vet49/i_heard_wired_connections_are_faster/
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I put the cool into school

And the lit into illiterate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9veqas/i_put_the_cool_into_school/
%
They caught me throwing presents into the San Andreas.

But I’ve always been generous to a fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vepmb/they_caught_me_throwing_presents_into_the_san/
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A new redditor subs into r/jokes

He's surprised to see that instead of jokes, all the posts are just numbers. Like "#12215" and "#23785."
He's more surprised to see that the posts have thousands or tens of thousands of upvotes despite being only numbers. Confused, he PM's the mods asking about it. The mod replies: "Oh all the jokes on r/jokes are just reposts so to save everyone's time we assigned them all a number. Now, instead of reposting a whole joke we just repost the joke's number and farm that sweet karma. You should try it."
The new redditor says to himself "why the fuck not" and posts "#42997." In a few minutes, his inbox explodes. His post gets gilded and makes it to r/all. He's floored by the response and can't wait to see why.
He checks his post and the top comment says "wow, haven't seen OC here in so long!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vep6j/a_new_redditor_subs_into_rjokes/
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What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?

"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9veljt/what_did_one_deer_say_to_the_other_when_leaving/
%
I only drink twice a year.

When it’s my birthday and when it’s not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9veipd/i_only_drink_twice_a_year/
%
Why didn't the fisherman make it as a rapper?

His lines were okay, but his hooks were debaitable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vegc7/why_didnt_the_fisherman_make_it_as_a_rapper/
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A woman is pregnant with triplets.

She lives in a terrible neighbourhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive-by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.
The woman ends up giving birth to 2 girls and a boy.
13 years later the first daughter approaches her mother and says “hey mum, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out.” So the Mum explains what happened.
A few days later the second daughter approaches her mother and says “hey mum, my period just started and a bullet came out.” So she explains to her second daughter what happened.
A few days later the son approaches her and says “Hey mum, I was jacking off and I shot the dog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9veeyl/a_woman_is_pregnant_with_triplets/
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Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex...

A friend of mine was wearing one and he still got shot by the girls boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9veeqe/condoms_dont_really_guarantee_full_protection/
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What’s it called when you pay a gender fluid prostitute for sex?

A transaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vec0f/whats_it_called_when_you_pay_a_gender_fluid/
%
I went to buy a shed...

"Are you going to put it up yourself?" asked the shopkeeper.
No, I replied, I'm just going to put it in the garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vebgq/i_went_to_buy_a_shed/
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The boss with no ears

Three men are waiting outside the office of an executive for a job interview. The first man goes to walk in, but the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, flustered, “You have no ears.” The boss says, “Get the hell out of here.”
The second man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.”  The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man pauses, anxious, sweating – finally he says, “You have no ears.” The boss says, even angrier, “Get the hell out of here!”
The third man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.”  The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, “That you wear contacts.” The boss is stunned; he even tears up and says, “No one has ever noticed. How did you know?” The man says, “Well you can’t wear glasses, you have no ears.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ve4xe/the_boss_with_no_ears/
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A new fighting game based off of the works of Tolkien came out

It’s called Mordor Kombat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ve09u/a_new_fighting_game_based_off_of_the_works_of/
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What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?

One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vdxcc/whats_the_difference_between_a_poor_marksman_and/
%
I love eBay.

Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vdva7/i_love_ebay/
%
If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian...

... then Soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vduuj/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
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A man went into a lawyer’s office and demanded to see the lawyer.

He was escorted inside and told to sit down. The man needed legal help but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so he asked, “Can you tell me how much you charge?”
“Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $500 to answer three questions.”
“Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of money to answer three questions?”
“Yes it is”, answered the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vdstm/a_man_went_into_a_lawyers_office_and_demanded_to/
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Why does Data the android cost Starfleet so much money?

Because Data is enterprise hardware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vdm3g/why_does_data_the_android_cost_starfleet_so_much/
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I never understood the term "cash cow"..

Sounds like utter non-cents to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vdgi5/i_never_understood_the_term_cash_cow/
%
Just remember to be nice to all your UK friends tomorrow, reddit....

It's our 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vdbi8/just_remember_to_be_nice_to_all_your_uk_friends/
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One of my employees called in sick today because his donkey broke it's leg and he had to wait on a vet...

I'll admit, it was a lame ass excuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vdah6/one_of_my_employees_called_in_sick_today_because/
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It doesn’t make sense that you’re statistically more likely to die when you’re old

The older you are, the more experience you have not dying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vda4l/it_doesnt_make_sense_that_youre_statistically/
%
What does La Quinta mean in English?

Next to Denny’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vd8wk/what_does_la_quinta_mean_in_english/
%
What do you call an ugly spy?

Pervert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vd8ue/what_do_you_call_an_ugly_spy/
%
What do you call 4 mexicans sinking in quick sand?

cuatro cinco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vd7x2/what_do_you_call_4_mexicans_sinking_in_quick_sand/
%
A nun and a priest are in a heated argument

The priest insists that since he is higher up on the Catholic food chain, God must love him more than the nun. The nun disagrees and says that God loves everyone equally. The priest comes to the conclusion that he can only settle this discussion by having God arbitrate the debate for them. So he kneels before the alter and asks which person does He love more. In a thunderous  voice, God answered "I love nun more than you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vd79x/a_nun_and_a_priest_are_in_a_heated_argument/
%
What did constipated man say, sitting on the toilet?

Im getting too old for this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vd5fh/what_did_constipated_man_say_sitting_on_the_toilet/
%
Why are Mathematicians always single?

Because they can’t stop talking about an x

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vd436/why_are_mathematicians_always_single/
%
Lost my virginity to a retard.

Mom said first time should be special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vd2xs/lost_my_virginity_to_a_retard/
%
How many bones are in your hands?

About a handful!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vd2u7/how_many_bones_are_in_your_hands/
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Some dude dies and goes to Hell

"Oh shit"
"Na", says the Devil, "Don't listen to that Abraham fella, we actually have a lot of fun down here! Do you like bacon?"
"Of course"
"Well", continues the Devil, "You'll love Mondays then! Everybody gets a pallet of bacon and you eat until you can't eat anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you have a heart attack 'cos you're already dead!"
"Hmm, I could get used to that"
"Great!", smiles the Devil, "Do you like gambling?"
"I'm partial to a bit of Blackjack, yea"
"Then I have some good news for you", explains the Devil, "Every Tuesday we go to the largest casino in the multiverse and you gamble until you can't gamble anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you go bankrupt 'cos you're already dead!"
"OK, this is starting to sound pretty good"
"I knew you'd come 'round", replies the Devil, "Now, do you like drugs?"
"Yea, I am a junkie"
"Fantastic!", exclaims the Devil, "You'll be looking forward to Wednesday! Everybody gets a great big bowl of smack and you smoke until you can't smoke anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you overdose 'cos you're already dead!"
"Can this place get any better?"
"You bet!", replies the Devil, "Do you like sodomy?"
"Um...no"
"Oh", the Devil trails off, "Thursdays are going to be tough on you then".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vd0mv/some_dude_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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Overheard Tim Cook this morning when reading Samsung news about bending screens:

That's it! iFold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vctxk/overheard_tim_cook_this_morning_when_reading/
%
What's the leading cause of dry skin?

A towel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vcszs/whats_the_leading_cause_of_dry_skin/
%
After picking her son up from school one day,

A mother asks her son what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vcrbc/after_picking_her_son_up_from_school_one_day/
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What do you call it when an obese lady gives birth?

A birthquake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vclrb/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_obese_lady_gives_birth/
%
A man with a fetish for ballbusting comes home after a long day at work

and says, "Oh boy, time to hit the sack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vck5x/a_man_with_a_fetish_for_ballbusting_comes_home/
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Why are tornadoes always named after women?

Because when the tornadoes arrive they are warm and moist but when they leave, you only have half a house, no car, and your entire life lies in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vcg1k/why_are_tornadoes_always_named_after_women/
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I’m writing a musical about a meteorologist who wants to quit his job

It’s called Weather or Not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vcecf/im_writing_a_musical_about_a_meteorologist_who/
%
What’s the difference between Thor and Lee Harvey Oswald?

Oswald actually went for the head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vce3o/whats_the_difference_between_thor_and_lee_harvey/
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I make a chicken ceasar salad today.

Stupid thing won't even eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vcbcz/i_make_a_chicken_ceasar_salad_today/
%
I was going to post a time traveling joke

But you guys didnt like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vc9y0/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_traveling_joke/
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How do you write a bestseller?

Just get fired from the Trump administration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vc5js/how_do_you_write_a_bestseller/
%
Have you ever smelled Moth Balls?

Me: yeah I have
My Dad: How’d you do it? Did you hold the moths wings?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vc50g/have_you_ever_smelled_moth_balls/
%
Hey

*hey*
Hey
###Hey
##HEY
#HEY!
*That could feed a lot of horses*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vc3hw/hey/
%
If the United States got the moon for winning the space race, what did the Soviet Union recieve for second place?

A constellation prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vc0jb/if_the_united_states_got_the_moon_for_winning_the/
%
You know you're an Aussie if...

sᴉɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ no⅄

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vbufa/you_know_youre_an_aussie_if/
%
Im like a tumour

At first you don't like me but then I grow on you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vbtud/im_like_a_tumour/
%
Commas can change the meaning of a sentence drastically

Let’s eat, Grandma.
Let’s eat commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vbqgp/commas_can_change_the_meaning_of_a_sentence/
%
Today I gave up my seat to a blind lady on the bus.

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vbpbc/today_i_gave_up_my_seat_to_a_blind_lady_on_the_bus/
%
What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.
Thanks mum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vblpj/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_looking_at_a_lettuce/
%
What do you call the Italian slums?

The Spa-Ghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vbl1h/what_do_you_call_the_italian_slums/
%
Friend: I invited Rob to dinner tonight!

Me: Which Rob? Cannibal Rob or Rob who can't spell?
(Text from Rob): Can't wait to meat you guys tonight!
Friend: I'm not sure...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vbg4p/friend_i_invited_rob_to_dinner_tonight/
%
Two logicians are walking down the streets...

When one notices a $100 bill on the ground.
“Look, it’s a hundred dollars”
“No, it can’t be, because if it was a hundred dollars, someone would’ve picked it up already”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vbckv/two_logicians_are_walking_down_the_streets/
%
What was Ken’s response to Ryu asking if he can grab the last slice of pizza?

“Fuck off.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vba18/what_was_kens_response_to_ryu_asking_if_he_can/
%
Hey guys, I’m looking to hire a group of people to move toxic waste from a nearby nuclear reactor.

I’m not gonna pay anyone but I’m sure you’ll get plenty of exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vb9sh/hey_guys_im_looking_to_hire_a_group_of_people_to/
%
I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vb96z/i_feel_sorry_for_the_children_of_samesex_couples/
%
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vb3r0/a_man_takes_his_seat_at_the_world_cup_final_he/
%
I bought a new thesaurus today.

It's nothing to write house about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vb17j/i_bought_a_new_thesaurus_today/
%
What's the difference between a prostitute and a bottle of wine?

The older a bottle of wine is, the more you have to pay for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vazmo/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vaxqj/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
What do you call a head of lettuce when you stab it repeatedly?

A Caesar salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vausz/what_do_you_call_a_head_of_lettuce_when_you_stab/
%
I wish I could say who the next president is going to be…

But I don’t have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vaubx/i_wish_i_could_say_who_the_next_president_is/
%
What do you call a "Sloppy Joe" sandwich made of venison?

Sloppy Doe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vapmg/what_do_you_call_a_sloppy_joe_sandwich_made_of/
%
A Spanish man went to a restaurant right next to a bull fighting arena.

He always ordered the same thing after a bull fight, 2 bull testicles cooked to perfection.
The man did this every week for months and was always satisfied with the taste and the size of the bull testicles until one week he was disappointed with the size of the testicles.
Confused, he decided to ask his waiter, "Why are these so small? They are normally so big!"
The waiter replies, "But Señor, the Matador does not always win."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vapln/a_spanish_man_went_to_a_restaurant_right_next_to/
%
A Man's wife was kidnapped by someone

Next day the kidnapper calls  the man and asks for $30k to release her but the man doesn't show much interest.
Some days later kidnapper calls again and reduces the amount to $20k but again the man doesn't look like he's interested in the offer.
This continues on till the time the kidnapper makes his final offer.
On Phone -
Kidnapper  : here's the final offer, you give me one thousand dollars or I'll send her back to you.
Man - Deal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vamme/a_mans_wife_was_kidnapped_by_someone/
%
What does a witch doctor want for his birthday?

A little head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vaheq/what_does_a_witch_doctor_want_for_his_birthday/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Whoa! We don't serve your kind in here".
The horse asks, "You mean because I'm a horse?"
"No, because you're black"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vae46/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A woman is in the middle of intercourse when her phone rings. "That was my husband," she tells her partner after answering it.

"He said he's going to be late tonight because he's gone out drinking with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9vaby3/a_woman_is_in_the_middle_of_intercourse_when_her/
%
What makes an ISIS joke funny ?

The execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9va24a/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
%
During the Gulf War, a soldier has just arrived in Iraq

Two days after being deployed, he gets asked by his best mate back at home to the mate's best man at his wedding. The soldier quickly agrees, and go to ask his commanding officer for leave.
"Leave? After only two days? You must be mad, to even consider asking me for it. You won't get leave unless you do something seriously impressive during the day"
The soldier thanks the officer for his time, and leaves. Later, in the afternoon, he drives an Iraqi tank into the base.
"How on earth did you manage to capture an Iraqi tank, all by yourself?" asks the officer, clearly shocked
"Every great magician must keep their secrets" answers the soldier.
"Well then, you'll have your leave" says the officer, and leaves it at that. On the way to the barracks, the other soldiers asks him how he managed it. The soldier concedes, and tell them.
"I took one of our tanks out into the desert and drove until I found an Iraqi tank. I climbed out of the hatch, and asked the other guy if he wanted leave. He answered yes, so we switched tanks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9va1yh/during_the_gulf_war_a_soldier_has_just_arrived_in/
%
My friend: "I wasn't that drunk last night"

Nah mate, you only took the shower head in your arms ant told it to stop crying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9va0ju/my_friend_i_wasnt_that_drunk_last_night/
%
The FBI arrested the Math teacher with a Graph Paper

He was definitely plotting something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9x76/the_fbi_arrested_the_math_teacher_with_a_graph/
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A man goes to the lawyer

: “What is your fee?”
Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9vye/a_man_goes_to_the_lawyer/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar

They start ordering beers. The first guy order a beer,the second half a beer,the third one-third of a beer...The bartender shuts down the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9vmf/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_enter_a_bar/
%
The woman on the bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed a man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the man’s smile turned into a grin, so she move again. The man seemed more amused. When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man, (about 20 years old), what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS ARE COMING, and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, LOGAN’S LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING, I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign than said, WILLIAMS BIG STICK DID THE TRICK, I could hardly contain myself.
But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, GOODYEAR RUBBER COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS ACCIDENT, I just lost it.
The case was dismissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9ubg/the_woman_on_the_bus/
%
Deep Sea Diver

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy  with no scuba gear.
He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with  no equipment stays with him.
He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and  writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"
The other guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9snh/deep_sea_diver/
%
The Sheriff and Billy-Bob

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on  except his gun belt and his boots.
The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the  hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob  replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!"
Sheriff says he isn't in a  hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.
Billy-Bob continues  "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a  cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did."
"Inside  the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot  and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we  did."
"Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the  Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same.  Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.
Then  Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob,  go to town..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9rxh/the_sheriff_and_billybob/
%
During a bank robbery

The mask on one of the robbers had slid down, revealing his face.
The robber, in a panic, looked at a man and asked "Did you see my face?"
The man said "Yes", so the robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. "Did you see my face? "
She said "no, but my husband over there did. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9rfj/during_a_bank_robbery/
%
My girlfriend

said to me "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back"  I said to her "that's because you're in a wheelchair"  :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9q4z/my_girlfriend/
%
I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.

... for 20 seconds.
... And only once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9nvn/i_had_a_gold_fish_who_could_break_dance_on_a/
%
In the seedy corners of the pokeverse,

dirty establishments hide more 'greasy' businesses. a customer walks into one such place and resquests their finest lady.
A large breasts woman with a beautiful face takes them into a private room, and after they are done 'copulating' he lays back, a satisfied smirk on his face. he says "Damn hun. that was the finest ride of my life." to which she can only reply. "Ditto."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9n8v/in_the_seedy_corners_of_the_pokeverse/
%
Funeral homes have the best services in town..

Everyone is dying to get them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9mpb/funeral_homes_have_the_best_services_in_town/
%
What social media does thanos use?

Snapchat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9l37/what_social_media_does_thanos_use/
%
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Because they're all Targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9kae/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_afghanistan/
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I’m sitting and waiting for a seminar on Tantric sex to end.

The speaker is taking forever to come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9hag/im_sitting_and_waiting_for_a_seminar_on_tantric/
%
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9da5/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
%
Christmas decorations

Can I just ask everyone for a big favor? Those of you who are planning to place Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that is red or blue and flashing? Every time I drive by, I think it's the police and have a panic attack. I have to take my foot off the accelerator, toss my beer, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down and push the gun under the seat. It's too much for me to do in such a  short notice............. thank you all for cooperating and taking my feelings into consideration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v9a2v/christmas_decorations/
%
A man escapes from prison. What are his initials?

S. K. P.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v935v/a_man_escapes_from_prison_what_are_his_initials/
%
What did Bruce Lee order at burger king?

A whoppa!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v916b/what_did_bruce_lee_order_at_burger_king/
%
Why didn't Hitler go to strip clubs?

Because he didn't like poles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v914g/why_didnt_hitler_go_to_strip_clubs/
%
I can’t believe after all the shit they’ve been through they’re finally back together

Person: who?
Me: My ass cheeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v8zk5/i_cant_believe_after_all_the_shit_theyve_been/
%
Bill got fired from his desk job.

After searching job listings for months he found nothing. He became increasingly desperate, he had a family to feed. As a last resort he reached out to his friend Ted, hoping he could pull some strings in his company.
A week later Ted called back, they found an open position. Bill excitedly turned up on time the next day. His manager gave him a quick tour of the facility as he explained his new role.
"Well Bill," he said, "we're going to start you out doing quality control on the mirror assembly line."
"Good news sir," Bill replied, "I can see myself doing that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v8u2i/bill_got_fired_from_his_desk_job/
%
The Noisy Dog

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of
bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back
up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard ... let's see how THEY like it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v8t5y/the_noisy_dog/
%
- One is enough

- How many scientists do we need to build a time machine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v8slr/one_is_enough/
%
How did the amateur bass player introduce himself?

Hey guys, so I play the guitar, lowkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v8rp0/how_did_the_amateur_bass_player_introduce_himself/
%
You only need 2.5 inches to pleasure a woman

Doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v8ngu/you_only_need_25_inches_to_pleasure_a_woman/
%
An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.
"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.
"Hmm, Yes it is"
"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
The minister just nods.
A few weeks later, the minister invites the AP to his home for a party. Upon reaching the minister's home, the AP was surprised at how grand it was. It was a royal-looking mansion.
He asks the minister, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?"
The minister takes him outside and points in a direction and says
"You see that bridge over there?"
The AP replies "What bridge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v8j5q/an_american_politician_invites_an_indian_minister/
%
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear.

I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v8ivp/my_friend_got_mad_at_me_for_smelling_his_sisters/
%
A man was at the laundromat

to do his laundry. He saw that it was going to take a few hours so he went to Subway to grab a bite. He was about to pay when he realized he left his wallet at the laundromat.
He went back and he saw police cars around. The man was arrested.
"Money laundering is illegal, buddy", said the policeman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v8gls/a_man_was_at_the_laundromat/
%
What do √-1 and love have in common?

They're both imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v871l/what_do_1_and_love_have_in_common/
%
My wife and I go out for a romantic meal twice a week...

She goes on Thursdays, I go on Saturdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v84xn/my_wife_and_i_go_out_for_a_romantic_meal_twice_a/
%
I'm positive I lost an electron.

Better keep an ion that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v846v/im_positive_i_lost_an_electron/
%
My new hairdryer is so strong.

It is mind-blowing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v83ps/my_new_hairdryer_is_so_strong/
%
4:00 AM, husband wakes up his wife

H: wake up, we're going hunting.
W: come oon, go without me today, let me sleep.
H: well, you know our house rules, if you don't wanna go, we're having anal sex.
W: sighs...
H: I'm going to prepare dogs, will be back in few minutes.
Few minutes later husband comes back
W: I'm not feeling like anal, can I just give you a blowjob?
H: okay, whatever pulls down pants
W: why your dick smells like shit?
H: one of the dogs isn't coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v83f7/400_am_husband_wakes_up_his_wife/
%
'NSFW' A man is desperate for money, he tried everything but nothing works out, so he decided to ask the god

*Man starts climbing the highest mountain to find the god and ask him personally.*
*Finally when he reaches the top, there's an old man in white tunic with big white beard.*
-GOD! I've finally found you! I've been looking for you so long!
-Yes my child, how can I help you?
-I want one million dollars.
-Okay, but there's one thing.
-What is it?
-For your wish to come true, I have to have sex with you first.
*A man thinks for a minute but he didn't climb that mountain to go back with nothing*
*He agrees, they have brutal sex*
-Here's another thing (says the old man), when you go back home, there will be 2 bags, 1 with fake dollar bills, another with real ones. You will have to choose only one, will you be able to differentiate them?
-YES! For sure!
-You couldn't differentiate god from shepherd how the fuck are u gonna differentiate the bags...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v82ok/nsfw_a_man_is_desperate_for_money_he_tried/
%
Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams.
Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty.
He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v7z7l/little_johnny_wakes_up_one_night_hearing_noises/
%
Pony and Eagle walked up to Coyote

Pony tells Coyote: "I am very mad at Eagle. Will you yell at him for me?"
Coyote: "Why can't you yell at him yourself?"
Pony replies: "Because I'm a little horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v7z3g/pony_and_eagle_walked_up_to_coyote/
%
I was browsing in a gay sex shop...

And the assistant asked if I was there to purchase something specific.
"No, I'm just buy curious", I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v7xfi/i_was_browsing_in_a_gay_sex_shop/
%
A Mexican, Guatemalan, and Salvadorian are in a car, who's driving?

Immigration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v7wo0/a_mexican_guatemalan_and_salvadorian_are_in_a_car/
%
Two Alabaman families walk into a bar...

Just kidding, there's only one family in Alabama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v7uw6/two_alabaman_families_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why was algebra easy for the Romans?

Because x always equaled 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v7upw/why_was_algebra_easy_for_the_romans/
%
A sadist and a masochist pass each other on the street.

The masochist recognizes the sadist for their nature and says with anticipation, 'Beat me.'
The sadist begins to smile and say to the masochist, 'No.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v7t1l/a_sadist_and_a_masochist_pass_each_other_on_the/
%
Throwing acid is wrong,

in some people’s eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v7rqa/throwing_acid_is_wrong/
%
Gordan Ramsey was walking down the road and saw a dog.

He bent down to pet it, and screamed "it's fucking r/aww!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v7o19/gordan_ramsey_was_walking_down_the_road_and_saw_a/
%
I put my dog down this morning

I said “Benson, you’re worthless and will never amount to anything in life.” Then I went to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v7hvr/i_put_my_dog_down_this_morning/
%
A nun gets in a cab

And starts a conversation with the driver. After a long pause, the cab driver says to the nun “I have a question for you, I hope I don’t offend you”. The nun kindly said “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am, and a nun for as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.”
The cab driver says to the nun “Well in that case this should be no problem... I’ve always wanted to kiss a nun”
The nun said “Well let’s see what we can do about that. You must either be catholic or single”
The cab driver agreed to both excitedly saying “yes sister! I am both! Catholic and single!”
The nun told the cab driver to pull into a nearby alley and gave him a kiss and much more.
As the cab driver pulls out he begins to cry. He exclaims “Forgive me father for I have sinned!”
The nun asked “What is the matter son? Why have you sinned and why are you crying?”
The cab driver hesitantly says “Forgive me but I lied to you! I’m Jewish and married!”
The nun says “That’s alright, my names Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v7cwb/a_nun_gets_in_a_cab/
%
Here's a dump of 8 fairly decent Dad Jokes!

**What do you call a homosexual police dog?**  ^(a gay-9)
**Did you know that I was addicted to the hokey-pokey?** ^(luckily, I turned myself around)
**How do crazy women go through the forest?** ^(Through the psycho-path)
**You know what happens when you get a bladder infection?** ^(Urine trouble)
**What has four wheels and flies?** ^(A garbage truck)
**Did you know about the midget fortune-teller who killed his customer?** ^(He's a small medium at large)
**How do billboards talk?** ^(Sign-language)
**Why can't your dick be 12 inches long?** ^(Because then it'll be a foot)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v7boy/heres_a_dump_of_8_fairly_decent_dad_jokes/
%
Two blondes are in a car and one is looking at a small mirror.

The first says, "The girl in this picture looks So familiar."
The second grabs the mirror, "Let me see. Oh my God! You're so dumb. It's Me, Stupid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v79sg/two_blondes_are_in_a_car_and_one_is_looking_at_a/
%
In an interrogation room

Man: I am not saying a single word without my lawyer present.
Cop: What? You are the lawyer.
Man: Exactly, now where is my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v75n0/in_an_interrogation_room/
%
I went to meet a girl from Tinder. Her profile said she was into erotic enemas.

Turns out she was full of shit.
(Just thought of this one, you can probably guess where I'm currently posting from.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v74q7/i_went_to_meet_a_girl_from_tinder_her_profile/
%
A pig, a cow, and a chicken walk into a barbecue.

The End

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v74na/a_pig_a_cow_and_a_chicken_walk_into_a_barbecue/
%
There was a man that received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming, and then, suddenly, there was quiet. The man was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man's extended arm and said:
"I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour."
The man was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him ... when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did wrong?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v72yz/there_was_a_man_that_received_a_parrot_for_his/
%
Bill Nye cloned himself with the help of Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Unfortunately, something went wrong in the cloning process and resulted in the clone being pure evil. As soon as he was released from the cloning vat, the evil clone killed the good Bill Nye and escaped. Much later, after hunting him for years, Neil deGrasse Tyson finally caught up with the evil clone in a seedy bar in Rio de Janeiro, determined to avenge his fallen friend. The evil clone was sitting at the bar and didn't suspect a thing before he felt the blow from behind. He looked down and saw a samurai sword sticking out of his stomach, covered in his blood. As he turned over his shoulder to face his assailant, he sputtered, "Why?"
With a solemn grimace, Neil deGrasse Tyson looked the evil clone in the face and said,
"A Nye for a Nye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v70vp/bill_nye_cloned_himself_with_the_help_of_neil/
%
Old Butch

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.  She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.  Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.  Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report just by listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a fine specimen but, this morning, she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize", they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was an internet service provider in the making.  Who else but an internet service provider could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on the planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v6rw6/old_butch/
%
My mailman friend tells a lot of jokes about undelivered letters.

But no one seems to get them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v6rfv/my_mailman_friend_tells_a_lot_of_jokes_about/
%
Knock knock

Friend A: Knock Knock
Friend B: Who's there?
Friend A: Control freak.
Friend B: Con—
Friend A: Okay, now you say "Control freak who?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v6qnb/knock_knock/
%
When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja.

Impressive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v6jkl/when_i_went_to_japan_on_vacation_i_didnt_see_a/
%
I just found out my new doctor is a young, drop-dead gorgeous female! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v6jh4/i_just_found_out_my_new_doctor_is_a_young/
%
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really into you or you're level 99 frienzoned...

... or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v6ij8/when_a_girl_changes_her_clothes_in_front_of_you/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they were both stuck-up bitches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v6cn0/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
Why couldn’t the Grim Reaper go to war?

Because he supports all troops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v6clc/why_couldnt_the_grim_reaper_go_to_war/
%
My physics teacher told me I have potential.

Then he pushed me off the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v6ah6/my_physics_teacher_told_me_i_have_potential/
%
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v62q0/the_devil_visits_a_politician_and_makes_him_an/
%
3 wishes

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the
ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman
said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-
she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she
wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make
your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times
richer than
you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!
The
frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a
mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't
mess with them.
Attention
female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue
feeling good!
Male
readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times
"milder" than his wife!!!
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v615h/3_wishes/
%
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v60ma/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_a_rectal/
%
Two blondes walk into a bar

You'd think the second would've seen it there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v5wmh/two_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I'm making an app like Tinder, but exclusively for paleontologists

I'm calling it "Carbon Dating"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v5v3a/im_making_an_app_like_tinder_but_exclusively_for/
%
Why was the plane grumpy?

He had a bad altitude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v5ptb/why_was_the_plane_grumpy/
%
The police are investigating a burglar who robbed my home and drew a picture of himself.

The details are sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v5nxn/the_police_are_investigating_a_burglar_who_robbed/
%
People always ask me how I got into Harvard at the age of 16, after skipping two grades.

Honestly I think the janitor just left the door open or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v5ngf/people_always_ask_me_how_i_got_into_harvard_at/
%
A weed farm was on fire next to a butcher shop.

The steaks were high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v54s6/a_weed_farm_was_on_fire_next_to_a_butcher_shop/
%
Women are turning into good drivers.

So good drivers beware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v52ly/women_are_turning_into_good_drivers/
%
I almost got caught stealing a board game today...

But it was a Risk I was willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v52dr/i_almost_got_caught_stealing_a_board_game_today/
%
You know what they call alternative medicine that works?

Medicine...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v4uur/you_know_what_they_call_alternative_medicine_that/
%
You know you’re a 90s kid when

vaccines were mandatory and no one in your class got measles:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v4r2a/you_know_youre_a_90s_kid_when/
%
Last week I saw two men wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay...

They promptley aressted me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v4qc2/last_week_i_saw_two_men_wearing_matching_outfits/
%
An old man dies and stands before the pearly white gates

He's standing there, knocking on the pearly gates, but unfortunately for him St Peter's on his lunch break. However, it just so happens that after a little while Jesus passes by. Being the helpful sort, he goes up to the gates and asks if he can help.
"Yes," says the old man, "I've just died and I was hoping to see my son, who died before me."
"I'll see what I can do." says Jesus. "Can I ask your name?"
"Oh, it's Joseph." replies the old man.
"OK, and what's your occupation?"
"Oh, I'm a carpenter."
Jesus thinks about this for a moment. "In that case... does your son have any distinguishing features?"
"Yes, it's very odd, he's got holes in his hands and holes in his feet, you can't miss 'em!"
"I knew it!" cries Jesus, flinging wide the gates. "dad?!"
The old man rushes forward in rapturous happiness, crying "Pinocchio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v4o63/an_old_man_dies_and_stands_before_the_pearly/
%
What do they call the hunger games in France?

Battle royale with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v4n68/what_do_they_call_the_hunger_games_in_france/
%
A farmer who's three beautiful daughters all have their first date on the same night

The farmer is very protective of his daughters, so he decides to greet all their suitors at the door with his shotgun to check them out first. The first guy arrives and knocks on the door. The farmer answers it and says "Who are you, boy?"
The guy says "Hey, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?"
The farmer thinks the kid seems ok, so his daughter leaves with the guy off to their date.
Awhile later, the next guy arrives. The farmer answers the door and says "Who are you, boy?"
The guy says "Yo, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're seeing a show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer thinks he looks ok too, so his second daughter leaves with him.
A little while later, the third guy arrives. The farmer answers the door and says "Who are you, boy?"
The guy says "My name's Chuck" and the farmer shoots him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v4kw5/a_farmer_whos_three_beautiful_daughters_all_have/
%
My grandfather tried to warn people about the Titanic.

Before they set sail, he ran around trying to warn people that the ship would sink. No one would listen to him. Frantic, he kept yelling, “this ship will sink! This ship is going to sink!” Yet no one listened. Shorty after, we were escorted from the grounds and asked not to return. That’s the story of how we got kicked out of our local theater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v4g3h/my_grandfather_tried_to_warn_people_about_the/
%
A man with a stutter answers an ad for "bible salesman wanted".

He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! "
The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back for more."
The office manager is amazed when the man comes back the next day and says "I nuh, nuh, nuh, need muh, muh, more buh, buh, buh, buh, bibles ! "
The office manager is dumbstruck but agrees to give the man another box, with one condition. "You have to tell me how you did it. "He says.
"Well I just nah, nah, nock on the duh, duh, duh, door and say, I'm suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, READ IT TO YOU? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v4fno/a_man_with_a_stutter_answers_an_ad_for_bible/
%
A Grand Dad and a Kid are in the kitchen. The grand dad is smoking a cigar.

So the kid says hey grand pa can I have a puff of that cigar?
The grand dad says "Can your Dick touch your asshole ?" to which the kid replies "No it can't" so the grand dad says "you can't have a puff of the cigar" .The kid walks away angrily.
The next day the kid walks in on the grand dad drinking a beer. So the kid asks hey grand pa can I have a sip of your beer?
The grand dad says "Can your Dick touch your asshole ?" to which the kid replies "No it can't" so the grand dad says you can't have a sip of the beer. The kid walks away angrily.
The next day the grand dad is watching the game late one night. The kid says can I stay up and watch the game too ?
The grand dad says "Can your Dick touch your asshole ?" to which the kid replies "No it can't" so the grand dad says you can't stay up late and watch the game. The kid walk away angrily.
The grand mother having watched what had happened decided to bake some delicious cookies for her grandson. The kid is eating them in the kitchen when the grand dad walks in.
He asks hey there grand son can I get a cookie?
The kid replies "Can your Dick touch your asshole?"
To which the grand father says proudly "yes son it can".
"Oh yeah, then go Fuck Yourself !!" Says the kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v46j1/a_grand_dad_and_a_kid_are_in_the_kitchen_the/
%
I saw that 50 things to do before you die show.

I would have thought the obvious one was ‘shout for help’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v45cj/i_saw_that_50_things_to_do_before_you_die_show/
%
Beauty is just a matter of timing: In 1970s America I would’ve been ridiculed for having a hairless chest. In ancient Greece I would’ve been laughed at for having a big penis.

Still waiting for that bald future all those fucking sci-fi movies promised me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v455d/beauty_is_just_a_matter_of_timing_in_1970s/
%
Why are Chinese colors so bland?

Because they’re always beige-ing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v3tkf/why_are_chinese_colors_so_bland/
%
Classic

Scientist: “My findings are meaningless if taken out of context”
Media: “Scientist claims: Findings are meaningless”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v3qg9/classic/
%
What happens when the fog lifts over Los Angeles?

UCLA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v3o62/what_happens_when_the_fog_lifts_over_los_angeles/
%
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v3nw8/i_rode_the_elevator_to_the_eleventh_floor_and_as/
%
So a new commander arrives in Korea during the Korean War at the beginning of a Chinese offensive.

So a new commander arrives in Korea at the beginning of the Chinese offensive. Wanting to gain information on the enemy he looks around and asks a Marine,
“what are their tactics, how do they fight?”
The Marine responds,
“Well the Chinese Army likes to attack in very small groups of 2 million men each.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v3ia4/so_a_new_commander_arrives_in_korea_during_the/
%
Why didn’t Elsa’s parents teach her the full alphabet?

They got lost at C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v3gjj/why_didnt_elsas_parents_teach_her_the_full/
%
Just a silly one

2 fish in a Tank, one fish turns to the other fish and says...can you drive this fuckin thing!??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v3ddu/just_a_silly_one/
%
I have a God complex

Since I'm able to recognize that, that makes me better than other people with God complexes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v3cbm/i_have_a_god_complex/
%
3 boys named Poop, Trouble, and Shutup were riding their bikes down the street...

Poop fell off so Trouble stopped to make sure he was okay. Shutup rode ahead but was stopped by a policeman who noticed he wasn't wearing a helmet. The policeman said, "I'm going to have to write you a citation. What's your name, son?"
"Shutup, officer."
"Excuse me?!" The policeman said incredulously. "I asked for your name, not sass. Now let's try this again: what's your name?"
"I told you! Shutup!" The boy said with frustration.
"Are you looking for trouble, young man?"
"NO! HE'S BACK THERE PICKING UP POOP!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v36wm/3_boys_named_poop_trouble_and_shutup_were_riding/
%
"A nurse pulls out a rectal thermometer from her front pocket

Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"
-jimmi carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v35x3/a_nurse_pulls_out_a_rectal_thermometer_from_her/
%
So we have Stairway to Heaven and Highway to Hell...

...and yet no Carpool to Purgatory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v34kj/so_we_have_stairway_to_heaven_and_highway_to_hell/
%
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”

The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v33pp/a_man_and_a_woman_are_standing_in_an_elevator_the/
%
What do you call a cross-dressing car mechanic?

A gender-bender fender-mender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v33gs/what_do_you_call_a_crossdressing_car_mechanic/
%
What do we want? To Procrastinate!!!

When do we want it? Tomorrow!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v32h2/what_do_we_want_to_procrastinate/
%
I was asked to describe myself in just three words.....

I replied "lazy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v31fe/i_was_asked_to_describe_myself_in_just_three_words/
%
It took a ton of work and time for my wife to be approved for disability from the SSA...

The whole process was ASS backwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v2vkv/it_took_a_ton_of_work_and_time_for_my_wife_to_be/
%
If I had a dollar for every math test I failed...

I’d have $6.48.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v2hjt/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_math_test_i_failed/
%
I like my burgers like I like my gang bangs...

Five guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v2h10/i_like_my_burgers_like_i_like_my_gang_bangs/
%
The Secret Service is the worst agency in the USA.

Everybody's heard of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v2gs6/the_secret_service_is_the_worst_agency_in_the_usa/
%
What does a robot do after sex

Nuts and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v2cx6/what_does_a_robot_do_after_sex/
%
One friends asks the other one what time is it

Hey john, what time is it?
Oh I don’t know .. get me that trombone and we will see
He blows really hard and someone screams
WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING TROMBONE AT 2 IN THE MORNING ??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v2ahx/one_friends_asks_the_other_one_what_time_is_it/
%
The Greatest Dad Joke: Moses goes to the top of the mountain and encounters the Heavenly Father, bewildered Moses exclaims “I’m confused, I don’t know what to call you?”

Gods voice booms back “HELLO CONFUSED, I AM”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v25ks/the_greatest_dad_joke_moses_goes_to_the_top_of/
%
A young virgin guy goes to a whore house.

The madam shows 2 girls. One costs $10 , the other costs $1000.
The guy surprised , asks the madam why is the difference.
She calls the $10 whore, asks her to spread her legs.
Then she asks the guy to put one hand in. He does. Then put the other hand in. He does. Then she asks him to clap his hands.
The madam asks - you heard the clap , right.
He says yeah.
The madam replies - you won’t be able to clap in the other one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v23jy/a_young_virgin_guy_goes_to_a_whore_house/
%
The young couple across the road from me have made an explicit sex tape.

They just don’t know about it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v1tnf/the_young_couple_across_the_road_from_me_have/
%
I like my coffee like I like my woman.

Without a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v1phn/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_woman/
%
An Irishman applied for a job working with the local blacksmith.

“Have you ever shoed horses before?” the blacksmith asked him.
“No,” replied the Irishman, “but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v1n97/an_irishman_applied_for_a_job_working_with_the/
%
OMG, it’s raining coins!!!

Yeap, climate change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v1kgp/omg_its_raining_coins/
%
A funny joke that my arabic dad told me :"the boy who wanted onion flavoured ice cream"

One day , The ice cream shop has a visitor , It is a little boy , The shop keeper says "Welcome , You came to the right place for your ice cream needs young man!" The little boy shouts while he is still at the door : "Do you guys have onion flavoured ice cream?" , The man is suprised and said: "no ,we don't sorry" the boy leaves The next day at the same time the boy comes in , The shop keeper out of habit says "Welcome" but he sees that it is the boy and silences him self thinking the boy is mad . The boy says :"Do you have onion flavoured ice cream?" The man says :"No , We dont".
That keeps going for 2 or 3 weeks until the man thought to himself:"You know , Why dont i make onion flavoured Ice cream for the little guy?" and he stood up all night to make it great . The boy comes the next day , "Welcome" says the shop keeper, The boy says the usual lines :"Do you have onion flavoured Ice cream?" the man excitingly says : "Yes we do" the boy then says : "Wow you guys must be retarded , Who would buy that shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v1el3/a_funny_joke_that_my_arabic_dad_told_me_the_boy/
%
So someone online recently told me that he’s amish

Wait a second...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v1ei5/so_someone_online_recently_told_me_that_hes_amish/
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A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.
So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.
"Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many."
The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.
"Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.".
"I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen."
"Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.
That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.".
"Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v1c19/a_farmer_has_895_sheep/
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I like my socks like I like my women

Thick, high, and warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v1b3b/i_like_my_socks_like_i_like_my_women/
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Did you hear about the two people with OCD who were cheating on their spouses to be together?

It was a sorted affair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v1b0m/did_you_hear_about_the_two_people_with_ocd_who/
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I came home from work to see a note on the refrigerator: "I'm leaving you, and I'm taking the kids".

So I quickly pulled the plug out...you're not going anywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v16i5/i_came_home_from_work_to_see_a_note_on_the/
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Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

It's too gross

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v14kn/why_should_the_number_288_never_be_mentioned/
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Einstein's Driver

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v13sg/einsteins_driver/
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Some good tips for your English class.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23.Who needs rhetorical questions?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v13lb/some_good_tips_for_your_english_class/
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A man’s wife is in labor and they rush to the hospital around midday.

When they get there, the doctors inform the Man that they have experimental machines to wirelessly transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father of the child.
Then man, being a tough guy, agrees to bear some of the burden for his wife.
They start at the lowest setting of 1% because the doctors warn the man that child birthing is painful.
No problem at 1% the man says, you can go higher.
5%
Still nothing
10%
The man still doesn’t feel anything and his wife is starting to get relief.
20%
Still nothing.
He tells them to crank it up to 50%.
The man still doesn’t feel any pain.
His wife is really getting relief and the man asks the doctors to go to 100%.
They warn him 100% of child labor pain for a man would quite certainly be fatal.
He replies would do anything for his wife and he still hasn’t felt any pain.
They crank it up to 100 and soon the baby is born and his wife is pain free!
When they get home later that day they come home to a crime scene outside their home.
They ask the Police officer what happened.
He replied,
“Earlier today a neighbor heard someone screaming in pain only to go outside to find your Postman Dead!
“We are still investigating...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v10bw/a_mans_wife_is_in_labor_and_they_rush_to_the/
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Which ballet is the most uncomfortable for guys to have to sit through?

The Nutcracker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0z2c/which_ballet_is_the_most_uncomfortable_for_guys/
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I saw this guy flirting with a cheetah

I thought to myself, he’s trying to pull a fast one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0y41/i_saw_this_guy_flirting_with_a_cheetah/
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If you've been a bad person in England, they will call you a pig. In America, they'll call you a sheep. In the Soviet Union...

You crane!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0x2r/if_youve_been_a_bad_person_in_england_they_will/
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What do you call a haughty criminal who skydives out of a plane?

Con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0vm0/what_do_you_call_a_haughty_criminal_who_skydives/
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My wife and I decided not to have kids.

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0u18/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
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I'm never going bungee jumping.

I came into this world due to broken rubber, I'll be damned if I leave because of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0txe/im_never_going_bungee_jumping/
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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0ttf/my_neighbor_came_at_me_really_aggressively_asking/
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Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek.

It’s Einstein’s turn to count, so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein, then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0r6o/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_playing_hideandseek/
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My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0o2m/my_girlfriend_just_dumped_me_for_talking_too_much/
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Tell me why you wish to divorce your husband.

"He treats me like a dog!"
"You mean he abuses you physically? Verbally?"
"No, he wants me to be faithful!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0m3k/tell_me_why_you_wish_to_divorce_your_husband/
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When i was younger i felt like a man trapped inside woman’s body.

Then i was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0kvr/when_i_was_younger_i_felt_like_a_man_trapped/
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I was once obsessed with "The Lord of the Rings". The books, the movies, the collectables, everything.

Finally I was able to kick the hobbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0k9g/i_was_once_obsessed_with_the_lord_of_the_rings/
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I just started my new job at the recycling plant and I hate it.

Crushing cans is soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0hrh/i_just_started_my_new_job_at_the_recycling_plant/
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Why should you never trust a statistician?

Because they're always plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0ftg/why_should_you_never_trust_a_statistician/
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That’s a nice ass shirt

Thank,  but they are called pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v0b2k/thats_a_nice_ass_shirt/
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Frosty Fly

One fly is sitting at the bar and his friend walks in shivering, covered in frost.
"What's happened to you?" he asks.
"I rode down in here in a big guy's mustache. He got on his motorcycle and just muscled through the storm." The second fly responded.
"Oh, well next time, what you should do is find a beautiful woman with a big bush, snuggle in there and you'll be fine the whole trip."
The next day the first fly is waiting at the bar and the second fly comes in shivering and covered in frost again.
"What happened, didn't you take my advice?" he asks.
"I did, I did," the second fly responds. "I went to sleep nestled down in the bush, and when I woke up I was back in the Biker's Mustache again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v04qp/frosty_fly/
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Where did all the communists go?

They left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9v040m/where_did_all_the_communists_go/
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

One...Two...Three...Four!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uzp9r/how_many_punk_rockers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call a group of homosexual lions?

...a gay pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uzjq8/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_homosexual_lions/
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Someone gave me a book on anger Management.

I lost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uzje2/someone_gave_me_a_book_on_anger_management/
%
Two brothers wake up one morning and decide to start cussing...

The older brother says, "I'll say 'Damn' and you can say 'Ass'." They agree and head downstairs.
Their mother asks the older brother what he would like for breakfast, and he says, "Get me some damn Cheerios!"
Furious, she gives him a spanking and sends him to his room. She then turns to the younger brother and asks what he would like for breakfast.
The younger brother looks at her and says "You can bet your sweet ass I don't want Cheerios!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uzio8/two_brothers_wake_up_one_morning_and_decide_to/
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'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:
-What should we do?
-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.
So the worker goes to Jimmy:
-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?
-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you cut it from my salary?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uzgnr/nsfw_a_lioness_has_mating_period_in_the_zoo_but/
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I adopted a retired K9 the other day.

I've found more cocaine than ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uzeeg/i_adopted_a_retired_k9_the_other_day/
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A guy walks into a bar and order dinner and a beer.

"It's good to get out and eat for once. When I eat at home the food is always so cold and bland," he tells the bartender. "Why is that?" the bartender asks. "I don't know," the guy replies. "I'm guessing because my wife really puts her heart and soul into cooking for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uzdj6/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_order_dinner_and_a_beer/
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A personal trainer gets a new client...

Their first day went smoothly, and the client seemed to be totally into everything the trainer was teaching him.
Over the next few weeks, the trainer became more and more impressed with this client,  as he was the most dedicated client he had ever had, and was making tremendous progress.
After the first month, the client tells the trainer that he's always wanted to be able to show off to the girls he passes on the street at just the sight of his arms, and he felt it was finally time to try it out.
So the client leaves after that day's session and the trainer watches him from the front window of the training room as he walks down the sidewalk.  When his client spots a couple of girls coming towards him, he immediately begins to contort his arms behind his back and crosses them in opposite directions finally resulting in his forearms popping out from behind either side of his head. The trainer thought how strange it was, but whatever his client thought was going to work with the ladies, he wasn't going to stop him.
The trainer goes home that night and he walks into the kitchen where his wife is cooking dinner. After kissing her on the cheek and asking her how her day went, she asks how the progress with the new client was going. He replied,  "Weird flex, but ok."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uz96m/a_personal_trainer_gets_a_new_client/
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why can't anybody in the office take the gay guy serious?

because he cant say anything with a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uz6v2/why_cant_anybody_in_the_office_take_the_gay_guy/
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A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing..."Psst...come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit...that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uz5n7/a_man_walks_into_a_pet_shop_and_sees_a_parrot_for/
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Just a Joke

sry for my english
woman is interviewed for a job:
interviewer: whats your name?
woman: be quiet!
interviewer: maybe your first name?
woman: i said be quiet!
interviewer: so maybe whats your job experience?
woman: one more time and you are out!
>!interviewer: you've got the job. welcome to our library !<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uz59s/just_a_joke/
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A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.

They stopped at  the corner to wait for the passing traffic.
The dog, at this point,  started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached  into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it  at the dog.
A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog  for such a nasty deed.
The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him,  I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uz3n8/a_blind_man_was_walking_down_the_street_with_his/
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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd  you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the  second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the  first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you  get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm  way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're  sleeping."
"How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart  attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on  me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the  bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot  no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was  hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I  got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second  man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?"  asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd  both still be alive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uz2lr/two_men_waiting_at_the_pearly_gates_strike_up_a/
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I am one of the only survivors of the Kursk submarine incident. Ask Me Anything!

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uyypv/i_am_one_of_the_only_survivors_of_the_kursk/
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Hey, I just met you...

And this is craaaazy!
I have Alzheimer's...
Hey, I just met you...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uyyjs/hey_i_just_met_you/
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I went to the National Air and Space museum today...

Well that was shit, the museum is filled with stuff!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uyxt4/i_went_to_the_national_air_and_space_museum_today/
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Why did the green tomato lose the race

It couldn't ketchup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uywri/why_did_the_green_tomato_lose_the_race/
%
What's Black and White but never red anymore?

The fucking News Paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uywne/whats_black_and_white_but_never_red_anymore/
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Man walks into a bar with an Octopus

He puts the octopus on the bar and declares to everyone in the pub ‘£50 says this octopus can play any instrument’. First man steps up and places a trumpet in front of the Octopus, it immediately picks it up and plays it like Dizzy Gillespie. ‘That’s amazing’ says the man and duly pays his £50. Second man steps up and places a guitar in front of the octopus, it picks up the guitar and belts out some Jimi Hendrix. ‘Wow’ says the man and he too pays £50. A third man steps forward, A Scottish man and puts some bagpipes on the bar in front of the octopus. The octopus looks at them, it moves around them checking the bagpipes out. After a few minutes the Scottish man says triumphantly ‘ah, ya cannae play them can ye?’ ‘Play them?’ The octopus replies ‘nah, as soon as I figure out how to get it’s pyjamas off I’m gonna fuck it’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uysdd/man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus/
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My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”
Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uyrji/my_grandpa_just_walked_into_my_room_with_a_young/
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What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a filthy, old bus stop?

One's a busty crustacean, the other is a crusty bus station!
(pls forgive me if you've heard this one before)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uyqd3/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with/
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A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your laundry in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uyp6r/a_few_days_ago_i_was_talking_to_some_friends_and/
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Six dwarves in a bath were feeling happy

So happy got out.
Once happy got out then they all felt grumpy
By the time grumpy escaped they were feeling sleepy.
Sleepy didn't seem to notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uyovo/six_dwarves_in_a_bath_were_feeling_happy/
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A son asked his dad, " Who's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uyo9b/a_son_asked_his_dad_whos_an_alcoholic/
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What does being sexually active and being at school have in common?

If you miss a period you're in trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uyo27/what_does_being_sexually_active_and_being_at/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He flushed the toilet and washed his hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uynsv/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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If good looks could kill, yo mama...

would win the Nobel Peace Prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uy36h/if_good_looks_could_kill_yo_mama/
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I need to make a presentation for school. It'll be about how some women get madder than some men, or the other way around.

It'll be called "The Gender Rage Gap"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uy1i4/i_need_to_make_a_presentation_for_school_itll_be/
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Job Interviewer: It says on your resume that you went to Harvard University

Me: Yeah. I was visiting my friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uy0l1/job_interviewer_it_says_on_your_resume_that_you/
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We’ll we’ll we’ll

If it isn’t autocorrect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uxyw9/well_well_well/
%
What is opinion without 3.14?

An Onion...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uxvhf/what_is_opinion_without_314/
%
I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday.

"I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies," she giggled.
LSD it is then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uxv70/i_asked_my_five_year_old_daughter_what_she_wanted/
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Why are neutrons never sent to jail?

Because they're never charged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uxqar/why_are_neutrons_never_sent_to_jail/
%
Why are there fences around cemeteries?

People are dying to get in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uxpyv/why_are_there_fences_around_cemeteries/
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Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there is plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I am just stuck here holding my rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uxpkh/dating_is_a_lot_like_fishing/
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What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo. - Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uxov6/what_do_you_call_a_waffle_on_a_california_beach/
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I totally understand how battery's feel!

Because i'm never included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uxl7h/i_totally_understand_how_batterys_feel/
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The dirty professor

The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke. After a real objectionable example of that one day, the female students got together and decided that next time, when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.
The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in India?"
Now all the female students stood up and headed toward the exit.
The professor continued: "Oh, ladies, please wait, the boat to India doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uxgnu/the_dirty_professor/
%
Does anyone else hate it when someone answers their own question?

Because I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uxejd/does_anyone_else_hate_it_when_someone_answers/
%
Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uxdzr/congratulations_to_the_winner_of_last_nights/
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I was just talking to this chick, i said “I can do 80 push ups.”

She said “Get out of here.”  I said “Yep, do you want me to show you?” She said “No, I mean, get out of the women’s toilets!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uxcro/i_was_just_talking_to_this_chick_i_said_i_can_do/
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Jack and Jill

went up a hill,
So Jack could lick her candy,
Well Jack got a shock and mouthful of cock,
'Cause Jill's real name was randy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uxclw/jack_and_jill/
%
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.

She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uxabz/a_large_woman_wearing_a_sleeveless_sun_dress/
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How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once, the next time it would be 10 from 90

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ux91l/how_many_times_can_you_subtract_10_from_100/
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A small plane crashes on a tropical island. Only the two pilots and the flight assistant survive.

Soon they started to organize their lives, prepare a shelter, water etc.
Few days’ passes and then one night around the campfire they start chatting. Pilot1: let’s say it loud, we are two men and a woman on a desert island, we have our needs:  let’s find an agreement about sex. The three starts thinking and chatting and then they agreed the flight assistant will make love with the pilots every other day. The routine lasts until the flight assistant dies for a tropical disease.
After few days around the campfire Pilot1 and Pilot2 start talking about their sex needs, and they reluctantly find an agreement…
Few weeks passes and then one night around the campfire they start arguing about how unbearable the situation has become.
Pilot1: I wanted to tell you, I can no longer go on with this.
Pilot2: I am relieved. For me too this situation has gone too far, we have to stop.
Pilot1: I’m happy you agree with me. Let’s do it.
Pilot2: Ok, let’s bury her .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ux7dj/a_small_plane_crashes_on_a_tropical_island_only/
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Communism doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make dollars either, just distributes them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ux791/communism_doesnt_make_sense/
%
Many people do not appreciate when I make cake for them.

Instead they say things like "How did you get into my house?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ux73m/many_people_do_not_appreciate_when_i_make_cake/
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Had my first stand up gig in front of an audience tonight

Did not go well.
I started my bit and sone dude started to heckle me.
He was like “hey you, down in front, we’re trying to watch the movie”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ux60c/had_my_first_stand_up_gig_in_front_of_an_audience/
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I found a wallet What do i do?

I found a wallet With 20 dollars in it. I wasn’t sure How to proceed, But then i thought,”What would Jesus do”
So i turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ux5cp/i_found_a_wallet_what_do_i_do/
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How do you get a bunch of grammar nazis in one location?

Title the flyer with "Your invited"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ux4ry/how_do_you_get_a_bunch_of_grammar_nazis_in_one/
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A daughter is writing a report for school...

... and can't find her dictionary to look up a word. She turns to her mother and asks her, "How do you spell 'scrotum'?"
Her mother replied, "You should have asked me last night. It was on the tip of my tongue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ux442/a_daughter_is_writing_a_report_for_school/
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The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ux18g/the_barman_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers_in/
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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an early release to make room for you. Follow me.”
He leads Trump to a door marked Chamber 1.The door grinds open. There is an Olympic size pool. Thrashing around in the pool is Richard Nixon.
Nixon dives, tries to retrieve an underwater object, misses, comes up empty handed. He must do this for years and years before is sentence is served and he can go Up There.
“I can’t swim!” protests Trump.
With a grunt, The Devil leads DT to Chamber 2.
The door to Chamber 2 creaks open.
In Chamber 2 is a quarry. The sun beats down. And in the quarry is a lone figure, in the person of Jimmy Carter.
Carter is breaking rocks with a sledgehammer. Sweat pours off him as dust and grime adhere to his sweaty skin.
Trump shakes his head. “Not with my arthritis,” he says, motioning toward his shoulder. Shaking his head in disgust, the Devil leads Trump to Chamber 3.
The door to Chamber 3 swings open.
In Chamber 3 Trump sees a door on the right and another on the left. In the middle of the chamber Bill Clinton is handcuffed to a bed. The door on the right open. And who enters Chamber 3?
None other than…
Monica Lewinsky !!
Trump has to pinch himself to believe what happens next.
Ms Lewinsky offers Clinton a sultry look.
Slips off her gown… and she is wearing nothing underneath.
She lowers herself onto Clinton…
And proceeds to do what Monica Lewinsky became (in-)famous for.
Trump shifts uncomfortably.
“Shouldn’t we leave ’em alone?” he asks. The Devil reminds Trump where they are.
The show goes on.
Clinton’s face takes on a blissful look.  Ms Lewinsky’s head jerks back suddenly. With a grimace of utter disgust on her countenance she swallows hard. Wipes her mouth with her forearm, stands up puts her gown back on blows Clinton a kiss and a wink and exits through the door on the left.
“That’s it?” asks Trump “Stay put,” grunts the Devil.
From behind the chamber there is the sound of a shower running, then someone brushing their teeth and gargling.
A minute later the door on the right opens again there stands a freshly showered Monica Lewinsky.
She once again drops her gown…and the process repeats.
Lewinsky goes back to the shower, scrubs, gargles and reappears.
She reappears at the door on the right, and the process repeats before she exits through the doorway on the left, and the process repeats.
It repeats again and yet again.
And the process repeats, and repeats, and repeats.
“Well?” barks the Devil at Trump.
“Hey, Chamber 3,” answers Trump unhesitatingly.
“Are you sure?” demands the Devil.
“Never been surer,” beams Trump.
In Admin, the Devil opens a drawer and produces a contract. He pricks Trump’s finger. “Sign here,” demands the Devil. Trump complies. “And here, here and here.”  Trump signs. The Devil stamps the documents, binds them and puts them into a folder, which he drops into a filing cabinet drawer.
“Follow me,” orders the Devil.
They return to Chamber Three.
Clinton lies on the bed, waiting in anticipation for the next performance.
“Miss Lewinsky!” barks the Devil.
His voice is drowned out by the noise of the shower.
“Miss L-E-W-I-N-S-K-Y-Y-Y!” roars the Devil
“Coming, coming!” comes a plaintive whine from the shower.
A minute later Monica Lewinsky enters the chamber through the door on the right. She is dressed in the gown, and is freshly showered and groomed. However she looks flustered at being rushed.
“What’s the big hurry all of a sudden?” she complains.
“You’re being released,” says the Devil; “your replacement has arrived.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ux0pb/trump_snuffs_it_and_arrives_at_the_pearly_gates/
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The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uwqim/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I'm already on stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uwq5r/i_dont_get_why_people_say_cancer_is_hard_to_beat/
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My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uwpf7/my_friend_donates_a_kidney_to_the_city_hospital/
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Saw a cute girl at work today.

I told her I get off in five minutes and she smiled. Then I said I finish work in one hour and she left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uwnyy/saw_a_cute_girl_at_work_today/
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A couple goes to a sex therapist..

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uwkye/a_couple_goes_to_a_sex_therapist/
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3 women rob a bank

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.
They all run down a dark alley trying to ditch the cop chasing them.
With nowhere to go, they see 3 burlap sacks. Sweet the redhead says, let's hide in those.
The cop rounds the corner and sees the 3 bags right away, he kicks the redhead in the bag first, she meows. He says "oh, just a litter of kittens"
Kicks the brunettes bag, and hears "ruff ruff"
Ahh, just some stray pups.
Kicks the last bag with the blonde hiding in it, and hears her say "Potatoes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uwgiz/3_women_rob_a_bank/
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What did the statue say to his mate?

Statue bro?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uwfk6/what_did_the_statue_say_to_his_mate/
%
Two whales walk into a bar.

The first whale says to the other, "WOOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOO."
The second whale says, "Shut up Steve, you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uwefv/two_whales_walk_into_a_bar/
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What is a dentist favorite time?

2:30 (tooth hurty)
.
.
.
.
.My students thought I was funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uwefn/what_is_a_dentist_favorite_time/
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Damnnn girl, are you a sandwich?

Cause you lookin in-bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uwdbj/damnnn_girl_are_you_a_sandwich/
%
My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uw0bb/my_brother_just_updated_his_status_to_i_love_my/
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My girlfriend complains that I take too long during sex...

But I think its better to Ejaculate than ejacunever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uvzdp/my_girlfriend_complains_that_i_take_too_long/
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Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide-and-go-seek.

lt’s Einstein’s turn to count, so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein, then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uvnn9/einstein_pascal_and_newton_are_playing/
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I tried telling a terrorist joke today and it didn't go too well...

It pretty much blew up in my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uvj6t/i_tried_telling_a_terrorist_joke_today_and_it/
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So my wife asked what that NNN means...

"Nothin new November, my love" I answered. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uvib7/so_my_wife_asked_what_that_nnn_means/
%
What kind of drugs do fish do?

Seaweed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uvfew/what_kind_of_drugs_do_fish_do/
%
Dating a single mother

Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uvct4/dating_a_single_mother/
%
Did you hear the one about the woman who became CEO of a cannibis company?

She finally broke through the grass ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uvcg4/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_woman_who_became/
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I like sex as I like my steak.

Rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uvauu/i_like_sex_as_i_like_my_steak/
%
Burglar: if you wanna live give me all of your money

Me: bold of you to assume that I wanna live and that I have money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uv965/burglar_if_you_wanna_live_give_me_all_of_your/
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Jokes about Procrastination...

are ahead of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uv2ig/jokes_about_procrastination/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby...

The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uv0t1/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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Beautiful Woman on 9 holes of Golf

After 9 Holes of Golf we Came to the Snack Shack.
There was a beautiful Young Woman behind the counter.
The Sign Behind Her Said
Hot Dogs - $5
Hamburgers-  $10
HandJobs - $ 20
I walked up and asked
“Are you the one giving the HandJobs?”
In a very sexy voice she said “Yes I am...”
So I said “Wash your hands I want a Cheeseburger!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uus8i/beautiful_woman_on_9_holes_of_golf/
%
I found a note on the Fridge from my Wife After spending the night drinking with the Boys.

It read " I've had it. It's not working! I'm going to stay with my mother!
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold... I'll never understand that bitch....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uupwv/i_found_a_note_on_the_fridge_from_my_wife_after/
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A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class.

The  subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to  perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole  does during an orgasm. “Sure!” she says, “He’s at home taking care of  the kids”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uunhf/a_woman_enrolled_in_nursing_school_is_attending/
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I got a hemorrhoid

It's a real pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uuk6q/i_got_a_hemorrhoid/
%
Why didn’t the elephant get the job he wanted?

His qualifications were completely irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uuc01/why_didnt_the_elephant_get_the_job_he_wanted/
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I thought I saw a guy with purple skin yesterday.

Turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uu9ym/i_thought_i_saw_a_guy_with_purple_skin_yesterday/
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What do you call a cumshot from the 80’s?

A blast from the past

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uu95o/what_do_you_call_a_cumshot_from_the_80s/
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Position matters most

Three pregnant women are at a clinic having a chat about their future children.
The redhead says "i was on top so I'm having a girl!"
The brunette replies with "I was on the bottom so I'm going to have a boy"
The blonde hears this and begins to think about things then suddenly she says  "I'm going to have puppies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uu8o6/position_matters_most/
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"He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

the carpenter who was nailed to some wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uu1y4/he_who_lives_by_the_sword_shall_die_by_the_sword/
%
I didnt like my beard at first but

it has really been growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uu1s5/i_didnt_like_my_beard_at_first_but/
%
Why couldn't Beethoven find his piano teacher?

Because he was Haydn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9utvh7/why_couldnt_beethoven_find_his_piano_teacher/
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Why couldn’t Tim cross the road

He didn’t see the semi truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9utusz/why_couldnt_tim_cross_the_road/
%
I asked my mum how much is a couple?

"2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uttez/i_asked_my_mum_how_much_is_a_couple/
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An old man went to his doctor for his annual check up ...

His doctor asked him to strip to which he obliged when he turned around the doctor was in complete shock. He said to the old man, do you realise you have a horrible case of necrotising fasciitis on your penis... we are going to have to cut it off immediately. No way said the old man, it's taken my whole life but now I have a penis that is long, black and hard I ain't giving it up for nobody.
P.S. I made this up, it may not be funny but at least its original which is what we need more of around here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uteb6/an_old_man_went_to_his_doctor_for_his_annual/
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A comedian takes a over a bank.

Comedian, "Nobody move! This is stand-up!"
Teller, "Don't you mean a stick up?"
"That's **my** joke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9utd7s/a_comedian_takes_a_over_a_bank/
%
John was feeling Happy

And then Happy slapped him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9utbke/john_was_feeling_happy/
%
I have a joke about a plane.

I hope it doesn’t crash and burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9utbgt/i_have_a_joke_about_a_plane/
%
TIL that loofas are horrible to use for washing your body if you leave them in the shower. They build up a bunch of bacteria because of all the dead skin cells left on the them.

Oops, wrong scrub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9utabk/til_that_loofas_are_horrible_to_use_for_washing/
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True love lasts forever

It's the World Cup Final and Tim decides to go to the match. He sits down and notices that the position beside him is empty. Then he turns to the guy who is sitting next to the empty seat and asks if the seat is taken. "No," the man says, "the seat is empty". "That's unbelievable," says Tim. "Who would leave such a seat?" And then his man replies: "Well, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she died. This is the only World Cup we have not watched together since we got married. " "Oh, my condolences. This is awful ... But could not you find someone else, a friend, a relative or a neighbor to come with you? " The man shakes his head negatively. "No," he says. "They're all at the funeral"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ut68o/true_love_lasts_forever/
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Do you know what DNA stands for?

National Dyslexia Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ut0ik/do_you_know_what_dna_stands_for/
%
Why was there no reaction when the King farted?

Because it was a Noble Gas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9usz5s/why_was_there_no_reaction_when_the_king_farted/
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I was in a porno cinema the other night

I hadn't been there five minutes when a few people started saying things like "How do you sleep at night?“ and "You're a monster, you're despicable!“
So I replied saying "Look, I'm here just the same as you, there's no need for that" But then others started chipping in, saying how I'm disgusting, and some of them even left the theatre.
But then the manager had to come in too. I still remember his words: "In my 25 years I've never witnessed anything like this" He kept saying how he was gonna kick me out and that the security was on its way. I said "I know I ain't much to look at, but that's a bit harsh"
At that point I decided that I've had enough. I stood up, grabbed my coat and said "Fuck it. Come on, kids. We're leaving"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9usyox/i_was_in_a_porno_cinema_the_other_night/
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A guy goes to a bar

He notices a cute college age girl and goes up to chat with her
She promptly yells out “NO! I DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!”
Not sure on what to do the guy walks away after all the odd stares. A little while after the girl comes up and apologizes. She said she takes psychology and wanted people reactions in unwanted situations
He promptly yelled out “$200 FOR ONE HOUR YOU’RE NOT WORTH THAT MUCH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uswyf/a_guy_goes_to_a_bar/
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A Jewish rope merchant from New York was trying desperately to sell some of his goods in Louisiana. But wherever he went, he kept encountering Anti-Semitism.

In one particular department store, the buyer taunted him:
“All right, Jew. I’ll buy some of your rope. As much as reaches from the top of your big Jewish nose to the tip of your little Jewish penis.”
Two weeks later, the buyer was startled to receive a shipment containing ten thousand kilometres of Grade A rope, with a value of millions of dollars. Attached was a note:
“Dear sir, many thanks for your generous order.
Invoice attached. Yours sincerely,
Jacob Triebwasser, New York *(circumcised in Kiev).*”
(this is a joke so old I don't know who to credit it to, but my grandfather told me it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ustk0/a_jewish_rope_merchant_from_new_york_was_trying/
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I asked Siri today.

Surely it isn't going to rain today is it? She said yes it is and don't call me Shirley! I forgot I left my phone on airplane mode!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9usqfn/i_asked_siri_today/
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Don’t you just hate it when people answer their own questions?

I know I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9usq9g/dont_you_just_hate_it_when_people_answer_their/
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TIL that you can tell the gender of an ant by putting it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uslbz/til_that_you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by/
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A Greek and an Indian were drinking tea one day, discussing who had the superior culture...

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Indian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we invented the number 0.”
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Indian replies, "That is true, but we are the ones who introduced it to women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9usi30/a_greek_and_an_indian_were_drinking_tea_one_day/
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Soldier and Colonel

Colonel: Soldier, I didn’t see you in Camo Training today!!!!
Soldier: Thank you, Colonel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9usdw1/soldier_and_colonel/
%
A Dublin thug corners an Irishman in a dark alley... [Religion] [Irish]

The thug raises a club and says "Got ya! I'm gonna split yer skull, ya Protty bastard!"
"No, wait!" says the man "You've got it wrong. I'm not a Protestant."
"Ah-ha!" Shouts the thug, "I tricked ya! I knew ya were a damn Croppy all along! Now die, ya papist!"
"No, you don't understand," pleads the man, "I'm not a Catholic either!"
The man pulls a Star of David necklace out from his collar. "See? I'm a Jew. Not Protestant, nor Catholic... Jewish!"
The thug lowers the club, shocked.
"Oh," says the thug... and pauses.
"B'gora... well then," he smiles, raising the club again.
"That makes me the luckiest Muslim in all of Ireland!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9usdqk/a_dublin_thug_corners_an_irishman_in_a_dark_alley/
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I like my coffee like I like my voter turn out

Strong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9usboz/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_voter_turn_out/
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Shower sex is like Christian rock

It sounds exciting at first but then it's just awkward and disappointing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9usazu/shower_sex_is_like_christian_rock/
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There is two things I are bad at:

1. My Grammar.
2. My Math.
3.My sense of Humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9usabu/there_is_two_things_i_are_bad_at/
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A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9us9y6/a_new_twist_on_an_old_joke/
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I can count the number of times I've visited Chernobyl on my fingers

Fourteen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9us70u/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_visited/
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Why can’t you beat No Nut November?

Cuz if you beat it you lose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9us515/why_cant_you_beat_no_nut_november/
%
What's The Difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9us0x6/whats_the_difference_between_a_corn_farmer_with/
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What do you call Aquaman fighting crime in Antartica?

Justice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9urwkz/what_do_you_call_aquaman_fighting_crime_in/
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If you suck at playing trumpet...

That’s probably why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9urvqt/if_you_suck_at_playing_trumpet/
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With so many posts online telling me to vote, I kinda feel bad for not voting today

And I'm not even an American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uruz6/with_so_many_posts_online_telling_me_to_vote_i/
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Two electrical components walk into a LGBT bar...

Bartender "you two look alike, are you related?"
"Yea, we're transistors"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uruqp/two_electrical_components_walk_into_a_lgbt_bar/
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What do you get when you happen to have two little green balls in your hand?

Kermit’s undivided attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9urupu/what_do_you_get_when_you_happen_to_have_two/
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Rain and Rome are close friends

They both like to fall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uru9y/rain_and_rome_are_close_friends/
%
2 pilots in an crashing plane

Pilot 1: we're all probably going to die and i haven't experienced my first kiss
Pilot 2: I can call one of the flight attendants in so you can kiss her in the cockpit
Pilot 1: I'd rather kiss her on the mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9urseh/2_pilots_in_an_crashing_plane/
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Doctor who?

Doctor: relax Peter, its just a small cut with a scalpel, don't be nervous.
Patient: I'm not Peter.
Doctor: i know, I'm Peter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9urmcr/doctor_who/
%
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9urldn/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
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What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I don’t want to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9urfbc/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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My wife is like a grenade...

Remove the ring, and the house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9urbn7/my_wife_is_like_a_grenade/
%
A truck driver had stopped for dinner at a cafe in a small town

Some of the regulars there noticed him and began sniffing the air.
"I smell nerd," said a regular to the truck driver.  "Are you a nerd?"
The truck driver nervously said, "No, I'm not a nerd.  Why?"
Another regular said, "Because around here we shoot nerds."
"Yeah," said a third.  "It's open season and no limits!"
Now the truck driver was concerned for his safety and said, "Look, I drive a truck.  Right now, I have a load of computer equipment.  That's probably what you're smelling on me."
The regulars seemed satisfied by his explanation and left him to finish his dinner in peace.  As he pulled out of town, his truck hit a bump in the road, and jackknifed, spilling boxes of computers all over the road.
The truck driver watched, horrified, as dozens of nerds started walking out of the nearby woods, attracted by the computers.  Thinking quickly, he pulled a rifle out of his cab and started shooting at the nerds.
Very soon, a sheriff's deputy pulled up and arrested the truck driver.
"Why are you arresting me?" he cried. "I thought it was open season on nerds."
"Well, yeah," said the deputy, "But you can't bait 'em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9urakp/a_truck_driver_had_stopped_for_dinner_at_a_cafe/
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Archibald the Liar

I like coming up with short stories, particularly ones with continuing characters. Like this one! There was once a young lad named Archibald. Now, Archibald had a tendency to tell tall tales and make up wild excuses, so much so that people called him Archibald the Liar!
One day he decided to test how big a lie had to be before anyone believe him. So he told some people a true story. 0 people believed him. Weird. So he added a small lie to the same tale and told a few more people. Well, that time only 1 person believed him. Then he added a another small falsehood but only 1 guy bought it. So he changed the story and added a bigger lie. This time 2 people believed him. The lies kept piling on. 3 people believed his latest lies, then with more changes came more suckers! There were 5, then 8,13, 21, 34!! It spiraled out of control!
And that's the end of my fibbin' Archie sequence.
\*
\*
\*
\*
\*
Heard someone say it with a thick Brooklyn accent and that's where the inspiration whole story/joke came from. Hope it gave you a chuckle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ur796/archibald_the_liar/
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It was Billy Bob's birthday

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the tip, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ur71p/it_was_billy_bobs_birthday/
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Dave is a talented mime who works at the local zoo.

He is very good at his job and is well liked by the guests of the zoo. One day, the zoo's famous orangutan dies suddenly. Not wanting to close the exhibit, the zoo approaches Dave with a proposition. Dave is to dress up in a realistic orangutan suit and pretend to be the orangutan, until the zoo can secure another animal. While skeptical, Dave agrees to the idea and begins his first day as an orangutan.
He begins by doing normal orangutan activities, until he's sure that the zoo guests do not see through his disguise. Eventually, he begins to really interact with guests through the glass to the exhibit, making faces at them and putting his hands up to theirs. The orangutan exhibit soon becomes a big hit, and every day Dave does new things to make the guests laugh.
The orangutan exhibit is situated adjacent to the lion habitat, and one day Dave decides to top all of the funny things he's done before. He climbs up the wall that divides the habitats and begins to walk along it, taunting the lions below. A big male lion notices him and tries to jump up at him. Dave easily dodges and continues to mess with the lion. The crowd is hysterical. Dave starts hanging off the ledge, taunting the lion even more, when suddenly he slips and plummets into the lion den. Terrified, he begins screaming.
"Help! Help! The lion is going to eat me!!!"
The lion takes one big paw and puts it right over Dave's mouth to muffle his screams.
He leans his big head in close and whispers "Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ur2vr/dave_is_a_talented_mime_who_works_at_the_local_zoo/
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Once there was a joke contest on the jungle

And every animal was invited to participate, the only objective was to make the turtle, King of the jungle, laugh. Whoever did that takes the throne but if the king didn't laugh, they got executed.
So first came the lion to take his throne and told the most elaborate and funny joke he could think of, everyone laughed... Except for the King who didn't even flinch, so the guards took him out and executed him.
Then came the hippo, the giraffe, the vulture told a half an hour joke, even some snakes tried to take the throne but they all failed.
And then the crocodile walked in and after a joke that only got a few chuckles from the public and as soon as the guards started walking toward him the king bursted out laughing louder than he ever did before and after he stopped laughing, he wiped a tear from his face said:
"Ohh Lion, that was an excellent joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ur2n2/once_there_was_a_joke_contest_on_the_jungle/
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Breaking News: All liquids in Switzerland are being converted to a pH of 7

The government were asked if they thought this was good idea. They claimed to be neutral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uqydc/breaking_news_all_liquids_in_switzerland_are/
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I had to break up with my girlfriend recently due to having ejaculation problems...

She never saw it coming...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uqxax/i_had_to_break_up_with_my_girlfriend_recently_due/
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How much does it cost to kill Tony Stark's family?

1 Buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uqwoo/how_much_does_it_cost_to_kill_tony_starks_family/
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Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.

I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later, so, mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy about 12 years old. He was short and thin, and had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.
He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uqv5h/late_last_week_i_was_rushing_around_trying_to_get/
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Did you hear about the mechanic with a fear of commitment?

He likes to screw, nut and bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uqu4h/did_you_hear_about_the_mechanic_with_a_fear_of/
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My ex liked her men like her grapes

25 at a time when I'm not around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uqsos/my_ex_liked_her_men_like_her_grapes/
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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall

. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .
'Go get your Mother'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uqkrj/a_fifteen_year_old_amish_boy_and_his_father_were/
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Mr. Bill Gates, why was 6 afraid of 7?

"Because 7 8 10"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uqing/mr_bill_gates_why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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God, people with erectile dysfunction are so rude.

Where do they get off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uqh42/god_people_with_erectile_dysfunction_are_so_rude/
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What do you call your crying sister?

A crisis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uqg4p/what_do_you_call_your_crying_sister/
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A Rancher Moved to Montana.

Living in a very remote area, he had been there for two months and hadn't seen a soul. As the days dragged on, he began to feel more and more alone.
The Rancher was sitting inside one day after feeding when he heard a knock on his door. He answered the door and saw a fellow rancher.
"Hello, I'm your neighbor to the north, welcome to Montana", the man said.
Surprised, the Rancher replied, "It's great to see someone else up here. I've been here for months and you're the first person I've seen. How do you keep from going crazy being so alone?"
The man said, "It's tough at first, but us locals have found a way to cope with the the solitude".
"What's that?", the Rancher asked.
"Well, once a week all the local ranchers get together at my place and we throw a party. I was actually coming out to invite you this Friday."
"That sounds great", the Rancher said. What do you do at these partys?
The man replied, "Well, we have a nice dinner, get drunk, and have sex. Then we drink some more and have more sex and so on".
"That sounds like fun", said the Rancher, "Is this a casual event? What should I wear?", he asked.
The man replied, "Oh, It doesn't matter too much, it'll just be the two of us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uqde2/a_rancher_moved_to_montana/
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I can't believe my grandpa is going to vote for the first time ever

... he never would have done that when he was alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uqd02/i_cant_believe_my_grandpa_is_going_to_vote_for/
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I don't support equal rights...

The left is fucked up too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uqcqb/i_dont_support_equal_rights/
%
Wanna hear a joke about Sodium?

Na.
What about a joke about Sodium Hypobromite?
Na Bro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uqb5y/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
What do you call a Witch that eats sand

Malnurished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uq2vu/what_do_you_call_a_witch_that_eats_sand/
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What was Whitney Houston’s favorite kind of coordination?

HAND-EEEEEEEEYYYYEEEEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uq1mu/what_was_whitney_houstons_favorite_kind_of/
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What do rednecks do on Halloween?

Pump kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9upwzt/what_do_rednecks_do_on_halloween/
%
Throw your rotting pumpkins at pretty people.

It is a sure way of calling them Gourdeous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9upuim/throw_your_rotting_pumpkins_at_pretty_people/
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The Burglar and Jesus

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables.
A voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you’re here.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep”, the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“I'm Moses.” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
The parrot replied, “The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uptyh/the_burglar_and_jesus/
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Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9upqvp/liberals_are_acting_like_trump_is_going_to_kill/
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I burned 3000 calories today.

I really should have taken those brownies out of the oven sooner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uppq0/i_burned_3000_calories_today/
%
A mum and daughter wants to get a parrot.

There was a parrot given away by a prostitution and it was sent to the adoption home. The mum and daughter went to the adoption home and looked at the parrot and all the parrot kept saying is "Fuck you! Fuck you!".
Finding it funny, the mum and daughter enquired about the parrot's traits and the in-charge of the adoption centre said that this parrot is a special one and was given away by a prostitution, and only said the words : "fuck you!"
Without further ado, the mum and daughter decided to adopt the parrot as they found it hedious and funny. They then brought the parrot home and were eager to show the dad what kind of parrot this is. When the dad came home, the parrot saw the dad and instead of saying "Fuck you!", it said "Ah, long time no see, Tim, where have you been?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9upkn0/a_mum_and_daughter_wants_to_get_a_parrot/
%
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9upgd7/as_a_butcher_is_shooing_a_dog_from_his_shophe/
%
The swordfish has very few natural predators.

One being the penfish which is considered mightier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9upf4f/the_swordfish_has_very_few_natural_predators/
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Short summaries of our favourite movies:

A little green guy convinces a young man to kill his father ("Star Wars")
A group of people returns a lost jewel in 9 hours ("The Lord of the Rings")
The newly-started young artist's career goes to the bottom ("Titanic")
White skinhead forces black people to kill dwarfs ("The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies")
A young man learns to love a girl without filters on Instagram ("Shrek")
Leonardo DiCaprio walks through a frozen wasteland in search of Oscar ("The Revenant")
Drug addict lady lies to mentally retarded youngster for 30 years ("Forest Gump")
A young man comes out of the virtual reality and immediately finds a girlfriend ("The Matrix")
Man hides behind a library shelf, so he doesn't have to work on a farm ("Interstellar")
Man flees to another planet to work on a farm ("The Martian")
A man turns blue in an attempt to feel something under his pelvis ("Avatar")
A maiden awakens from the kiss of an unknown man, but everything is fine - he is sexy ("The Sleeping Beauty")
A marginal minor, asylum patient and bodybuilder-exhibitionist protest against the technical progress ("Terminator 2")
A boy-sociopath tries to kill two homeless people ("Home Alone")
The path to the heart of the man passes through the stomach ("The Silence of the Lambs")
A taxi driver cures an opera singer from kidney stones ("The Fifth Element")
Syrian refugees are trying to get into Europe through Greece ("300")
Submit your favourite movie short summary in the comments, below...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9upe7e/short_summaries_of_our_favourite_movies/
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Why does it get easier to be a cop at midnight?

Both hands are already up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9upd83/why_does_it_get_easier_to_be_a_cop_at_midnight/
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If you want to get a girl's attention, just compliment them

Like: Wow! You're a fast runner. Almost got away!
Credits: Jimmy Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9up9jc/if_you_want_to_get_a_girls_attention_just/
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6:30 is the best time on a clock

hands down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9up88n/630_is_the_best_time_on_a_clock/
%
Wife to husband... Take off my heels....

He does as instructed.
Wife: now take off my blouse....
He does it..
Wife : now take off my skirt....
He does it.
Wife : now take off bra.
He does it.
Wife : now take off my panties..
He does it..
Wife :  Now don't you ever wear my clothes again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9up2md/wife_to_husband_take_off_my_heels/
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A dog went to a telegram office,

took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9up15n/a_dog_went_to_a_telegram_office/
%
I found a wallet What do i do?

I found a wallet With 20 dollars in it. I wasn’t sure How to proceed, But then i thought,”What would Jesus do”
So i turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uoz7v/i_found_a_wallet_what_do_i_do/
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Approximately 56% of strippers are working their way through college.

This, according to the latest pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uoy6q/approximately_56_of_strippers_are_working_their/
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“A friend of mine developed a strange addiction and drinks brake fluid.

When I warned him of the dangers, He said " No worries, I can stop anytime."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uoxl5/a_friend_of_mine_developed_a_strange_addiction/
%
Earth is dangerous

Did you know that Earth is the most dangerous planet in the Universe, 100% if human deaths takes place on earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uoxi3/earth_is_dangerous/
%
What's the difference between a tree and a computer?

A tree is all bark and no bite, while a computer is all byte and no bark!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uowux/whats_the_difference_between_a_tree_and_a_computer/
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My friend told me he didn't know what cloning was.

"that makes two of us" I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uowct/my_friend_told_me_he_didnt_know_what_cloning_was/
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M calls 007 into her office.

She says, "Your next assignment is to go to the Chrstmas ball and meet new people. Bond, James, bond!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uovzq/m_calls_007_into_her_office/
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I used to go out with an English-language teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't like my improper use of the colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uovd0/i_used_to_go_out_with_an_englishlanguage_teacher/
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What is the fastest way to get from 69 to 96?

Get married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uoug1/what_is_the_fastest_way_to_get_from_69_to_96/
%
*tips fedora to mosquito*

M'laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uosw4/tips_fedora_to_mosquito/
%
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uost6/a_bus_stops_and_2_italian_men_get_on_they_sit/
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Voting is like anal.

It doesn’t happen often, so you may regret not participating.
Something that should be taken seriously by adults that participate in it, and it is beneficial to both parties involved.
Some see it as a painful process that involves them putting in extra effort, when there could be a million things they’d rather do instead.
Others get really excited about the opportunity, and go to great lengths to convince others to come with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uor0f/voting_is_like_anal/
%
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uopug/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
%
Dad, what's your take on adoption?

Well... "son"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uopsg/dad_whats_your_take_on_adoption/
%
One day a mechanic was working under a car

And some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought. The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "It was pretty good, really. I think I'll have a little more today."
His friend was a little concerned, but didn't say anything. The next day, "Hey, I drank a whole glass of brake fluid. Great stuff! I'm going to have more." A few days later, he was up to a bottle a day.
"You know," said his buddy, "that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better cut out drinking that stuff."
"Hey, no problem. I can stop any time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uoon2/one_day_a_mechanic_was_working_under_a_car/
%
What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uomao/whats_black_and_never_works/
%
Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How Dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uoken/some_guy_just_assaulted_me_with_milk_cream_and/
%
I think quality is better than quantity...

unless you're a cyclops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uoiwg/i_think_quality_is_better_than_quantity/
%
3 gay sailors

Sailor: Captain! Captain!
&nbsp;
Captain: Yes Sailor?
&nbsp;
Sailor:  I think we have 3 gay sailors on board!
&nbsp;
Captain: How would you even know that?
&nbsp;
Sailor: Well Jimmy's dick tasted like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uoh62/3_gay_sailors/
%
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uofd8/my_wife_says_shes_leaving_me_because_she_thinks/
%
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor sod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uof1d/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
%
I like my girls how I like my voter turnout

High.
Go vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uodd9/i_like_my_girls_how_i_like_my_voter_turnout/
%
A German host said to his English guest, who was obviously not enjoying his meal:" i am sorry you don't like our food.

But I'm afraid the wurst is yet to come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uoaxt/a_german_host_said_to_his_english_guest_who_was/
%
You'd think vegans would be friendly and easygoing...

... because they have no beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uo7kp/youd_think_vegans_would_be_friendly_and_easygoing/
%
Soup

I’ve combined a laxative and alphabet soup. I call it ”Letter Rip”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uo6kv/soup/
%
[NSFW] Houston, we have a problem...

I feel like porn has me given such unrealistic expectations about sex...
For example, having it with another person....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uo6fc/nsfw_houston_we_have_a_problem/
%
Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?

You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uo40a/why_are_reposts_always_upvoted_more_than_original/
%
Why cant you starve in the desert?

Because of the sand which is there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uo16n/why_cant_you_starve_in_the_desert/
%
On Election Day, here's a little tip that I learned in high school civics class:

Vote for option C every time, and you'll get at least 75% correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unzpo/on_election_day_heres_a_little_tip_that_i_learned/
%
Introverts Rise Up!

Separately, in your own homes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unyec/introverts_rise_up/
%
A son goes crying to his mom..

Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unydi/a_son_goes_crying_to_his_mom/
%
What do you call couples that use the pull out method?

Parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unxix/what_do_you_call_couples_that_use_the_pull_out/
%
What's the difference between my uncle and EA?

When I get dicked deep by EA my parents believe me....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unt67/whats_the_difference_between_my_uncle_and_ea/
%
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.

I added some fruit and orange juice. Now she's sangria than ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uns8h/my_wife_hates_it_when_i_mess_with_her_red_wine/
%
Boss: "If I catch you sleeping on the job again, you're fired!"

Me: "I understand. Won't happen again."
Boss: "Now go inventory the sheep."
Me: "Oh no!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unpta/boss_if_i_catch_you_sleeping_on_the_job_again/
%
What's the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unpcf/whats_the_definition_of_bravery/
%
Whats Michael Jackson's favorite drink?

TEA-HEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unp4w/whats_michael_jacksons_favorite_drink/
%
This morning

as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unov9/this_morning/
%
What do you call a bitch in heat?

Hot dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unnru/what_do_you_call_a_bitch_in_heat/
%
A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it.

That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB.
That's a lot of information to swallow..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unlmy/a_single_sperm_has_375_mb_of_dna_information_in_it/
%
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts running
towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unkl1/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
%
I know loads of jokes about cash machines

I just can't think of one atm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unjt7/i_know_loads_of_jokes_about_cash_machines/
%
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ungri/once_i_saw_this_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
%
I feel really bad for the stars sometimes.

They all have such a low rating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unf06/i_feel_really_bad_for_the_stars_sometimes/
%
An orphan boy at my school did really bad in a test and started crying.

I said, "Don't worry, your parents won't say anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9undrw/an_orphan_boy_at_my_school_did_really_bad_in_a/
%
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.

So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem"
well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. so, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money, and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ he gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unc1k/this_farmer_has_about_200_hens_but_no_rooster_and/
%
Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unb86/apparently_north_korea_now_has_a_missile_that_can/
%
What's the difference between a politician and a diaper?

No difference. Both need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9unahx/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
Three motorcycle riders walk into roadside restaurant...

A middle aged man sits inside and eats his dinner.
The first rider went to the man and burned out his cigarette on his plate.
The second rider spitted into his milk.
Finally, the third rider dropped his lunch on the floor and stepped on it.
Without saying a word, the man got up and went out.
-What a loser,
told one of the rider to the waitress.
-He can't stand like a man.
-Yes, a very bad driver as well,
said the waitress,
-He just drove over three motorcycles with his 18-wheeler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9un7a7/three_motorcycle_riders_walk_into_roadside/
%
What do you call a man who's overly cautious?

Justin Case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9un66k/what_do_you_call_a_man_whos_overly_cautious/
%
What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhoea

Brave fart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9un4p6/what_do_you_call_a_scotsman_with_diarrhoea/
%
A band of adventurers accept a quest, to slay the Ork King.

Before heading out to fight the Ork King, they head to town to hire a mercenary.
The first one is a swordsman, who asks for 1000 gold to join them.
The second is an archer, who wants 2000 gold for her services.
The last one is a Spearman, who is willing to do it just for the experience...
...He's a freelancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9umzvu/a_band_of_adventurers_accept_a_quest_to_slay_the/
%
How many Hispanic persons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ump5u/how_many_hispanic_persons_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
I once gave my blind friend a cheese grater

He said it was the most horrific book he ever read!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9umo9p/i_once_gave_my_blind_friend_a_cheese_grater/
%
Why don't Amish people fear lightning...

They resist electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9umls2/why_dont_amish_people_fear_lightning/
%
Shovels were a ground breaking invention...

But dumbbells were an uplifting one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9umkr2/shovels_were_a_ground_breaking_invention/
%
If trees had legs I know what I'd shout if I saw an axeman coming...

Run forest! Run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9umjp8/if_trees_had_legs_i_know_what_id_shout_if_i_saw/
%
A limbo champion walks into a bar

They are disqualified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9umjdp/a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My girlfriend is a real go-getter...

Nothing’s gonna stop her. Not blindness, not stoplights...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9umj5x/my_girlfriend_is_a_real_gogetter/
%
Why did the blind man get arrested?

He read a sign that said “don’t touch” in braille.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9umg3k/why_did_the_blind_man_get_arrested/
%
3 conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9umfrl/3_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9umddt/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
A recent university graduate wins $1 million dollars, and is being interviewed by the news.

News anchor: So what will you do with the money?
The graduate: I will pay off my student loans.
News anchor: And what will you do with the rest?
The graduate: They'll have to wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9umdbu/a_recent_university_graduate_wins_1_million/
%
A group of Indians cought a a guy and tied him to a tree.

They left one guard to watch over him and left to discuss what to do with him.
"I'm fucked" - the guy thinks.
Suddenly, he sees a bright light shining in the sky and hears a loud, mighty voice:
"Do not be afraid, son. Shake your hands".
He shakes his hands and realises that they are now free.
"Approach the guard" - The strange voice continued.
The guy, visibly scared, obediently approaches the guard.
"Do not be afraid! The guard is asleep." - Said the voice - "Now, take the guard's tomahawk and strike him! He is the chieftain's son!"
He takes the tomahawk and kills the guard.
The voice chuckles a bit:
"Haha, NOW you're fucked!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9umd8q/a_group_of_indians_cought_a_a_guy_and_tied_him_to/
%
Saw someone stealing my gate today.

I didn't say anything though. Incase  he took a-fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9umam7/saw_someone_stealing_my_gate_today/
%
KFC

A man goes to see the pope.
"Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to ' Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
The pope is aghast! "I can't just go changing God's word for money!"
The man comes back the next day: "Fifty million! Now, think of all the good the church could do with all that money, Your Holiness!"
The pope in unimpressed: "Look, I told you. I just can't do it. I'm sorry."
The guy is back a week later: "Final offer- $500 million. Take it or leave it."
The next day, the pope calls all the leaders of the church together: "Boys, I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is we've raised $500 million dollars for Catholic Charities."
The room erupts! Everybody is so happy!
The pope waits for the room to settle down. Then-
"And now for the bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9um5or/kfc/
%
Why does everyone think Cancer is so hard to beat?

I’m already on stage 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9um1l9/why_does_everyone_think_cancer_is_so_hard_to_beat/
%
What is a dyslexic atheist?

Someone who doesn't believe in dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9um1dy/what_is_a_dyslexic_atheist/
%
My neighbors house was robbed and every lamp in his house was stolen.

For some odd reason he was delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ulyc5/my_neighbors_house_was_robbed_and_every_lamp_in/
%
What did the executioner do when the criminal tried to give him a high five?

Left him hanging!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ulwkd/what_did_the_executioner_do_when_the_criminal/
%
A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”
Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”
Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?”
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: “if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ulqs5/a_husband_and_wife_at_custody_court/
%
A woman comes home from work

to find 2 sets of feet sticking out from the covers in her bed. Thinking her husband is cheating on her, she grabs a baseball bat from the closet and starts beating the 2 figures underneath the covers. After a while, she goes to yhe kitchen exhausted.  Thats when she sees her husband eating
'Oh, hi honey. Your parents came in for a suprise visit' he said. 'I let them stay in our bedroom '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ulmsj/a_woman_comes_home_from_work/
%
You're a 10

On the pH scale, because you're basic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uljk5/youre_a_10/
%
England may not have a kidney bank...

But they do have a liver pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ulhm3/england_may_not_have_a_kidney_bank/
%
So an Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blond are sitting down for lunch at their construction site....

The Irishman opens his pail and says, "CORNED BEEF! My wife always makes me corned beef....If she makes it tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off the platform and kill myself." The mexican open his lunch pail saying, "Tacos... my wife always makes tacos. If she makes it again I'll kill myself too." The blond opens his lunch pail and yells out, "Ham sandwiches! I am sick and tired of ham sandwiches! If there is ham sandwiches tomorrow I'll jump off as well." So the next say comes. The irishman sees corned beef and jumps, the mexican sees tacos and jumps, and the blond sees ham sandwiches and jumps. At the funeral the irishman's wife is crying. "If only he had told me he didn't want corned beef I would have made him something else." The mexican's wife exclaims the same, and then they look over to the blond's wife. She stares back at them and says, "Don't look at me, he made his own damn lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ulh25/so_an_irishman_a_mexican_and_a_blond_are_sitting/
%
People often tell me I have no willpower or self-control

Rubbish I say. I've quit smoking loads of times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ulfaj/people_often_tell_me_i_have_no_willpower_or/
%
A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.
"Me too," says the ostrich.
The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62."
Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ulf52/a_guy_walks_into_a_restaurant_with_a_fullgrown/
%
What is black, white, and gray, has feathers, and weighs almost four and a half pounds?

Two-kilo mockingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ul2ml/what_is_black_white_and_gray_has_feathers_and/
%
The cops are questioning me about illegally downloading the entirety of Wikipedia.

I said, “I can explain everything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ul2iv/the_cops_are_questioning_me_about_illegally/
%
A woman had 20 children

. 10 girls 10 boys, all of their names were leroy. Boys spelt Leroy girls spelt Leroigh. She met a man one day and told him how many children she had and what their names were. " why did you name all of your children Leroy/Leroigh?" The man asked. "It's easy to call them all together. For example Leroy/Leroigh time for bet time for supper." The woman laughed. The man asked "how do you call them if you only need one of the children?" The woman cackled "by their last names of course!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ul1ka/a_woman_had_20_children/
%
I heard there is gonna be a joke about constipation...

I'm still waiting for it to come out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ukvgz/i_heard_there_is_gonna_be_a_joke_about/
%
Three guys are having a good time at a swimming pool

Suddenly a genie appears. He says: " Y'all have a free wish! Just go onto that springboard, say what you wish for and the pool will be filled with whatever you wished for!
The first guy thinks "great", goes to the springboard says "Chocolate" and jumps. He lands in the pool filled with chocolate and couldn't be happier.
The second guy goes onto the springboard, thinks about what he'd like the pool to be filled with and says "Bananas!". He lands in a pool full of bananas and also is very happy.
The third guy also thinks very carefully about what he wants the pool to be filled with. Then he makes a decision. He goes onto the springboard, but then suddenly when he is about to say what he wishes for he slips on a banana peel the second guy left behind. He loses his balance and realizing he will fall down from the board he just yells: "SHIT".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uku4y/three_guys_are_having_a_good_time_at_a_swimming/
%
Jim the Plumber announces that he is running for office. Now he is appearing on a news show to discuss his candidacy.

HOST: “So Jim, what got you into politics?”
JIM: “Well, ya know, recently plumbin’ don’t pay very well, and I just wanted to try something’ new, I guess.”
HOST: “So you have NO political experience whatsoever?”
JIM: “Nope. My field is in plumbin’, sir.”
HOST: “Don’t you think it would be difficult to run for president? You know, a lot of people, many like yourself, have tried to make it to the Oval Office, but have been unsuccessful. What has led you to believe that you will be able to overcome these challenges?”
JIM: “I don’t see how it can be too hard. The current political situation don’t seem too diff’rent from the inner workings of a toilet.”
HOST: “Really? How so?”
JIM: “Well, for one, they’re both completely clogged full of shit...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ukolf/jim_the_plumber_announces_that_he_is_running_for/
%
What do you get when you take away a seal's electron?

A sealion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uknmi/what_do_you_get_when_you_take_away_a_seals/
%
I may be biased, but I think blind people have the best observational humor.

I guess I’m just a big fan of dark comedy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ukl1w/i_may_be_biased_but_i_think_blind_people_have_the/
%
What do life and tennis have in common?

Love means nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ukgao/what_do_life_and_tennis_have_in_common/
%
A journalist goes to Afghanistan

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?" The guide answered, "Land mines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ukg7l/a_journalist_goes_to_afghanistan/
%
Naive Priest in the Big City

There’s this young priest who’s spent virtually his entire life in a monastery. He is sent to work in one of the poorer areas of a big city. The priest has never seen a city so after settling into his new post he decides to take a long walk to explore things. A couple blocks away from the church he sees a woman in heavy makeup wearing very little clothes. She smiles at the priest and says, “Hey, you’re kinda cute for a priest. My name is Mary. How about $10 for a blowjob?”  Being very naive and having grown up in a monastery he doesn’t know what a blow job is.  To be honest he is a little intimidated by Mary.  He answers, “I’m sorry dear lady perhaps another day,” and quickly walks away.  Each day he takes a walk and each day Mary makes the offer, and each day he declines.  One day after returning from his walk the priest decides he will ask one of the nuns what a blow job is.  He finds the senior nun, an elderly woman approaching her 70s. He asks, “I apologize for bothering you. I’m still new to everything here. I wonder if you could tell me what is a blow job?”  The nun looks at him with a strange expression, “$10. Same as Mary charges.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ukawk/naive_priest_in_the_big_city/
%
I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uk9x8/ive_just_started_to_read_a_horror_novel_in_braille/
%
How many IRS agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just 1, but it gets really screwed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uk9gd/how_many_irs_agents_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What do you call a circle of Fe2+ ions?

A ferrous wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uk96w/what_do_you_call_a_circle_of_fe2_ions/
%
What the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

the position of the dirt bag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uk7w4/what_the_difference_between_a_harley_and_a_hoover/
%
What do you call Iron Man without a suit?

Stark naked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uk7l2/what_do_you_call_iron_man_without_a_suit/
%
√-1 2^3 ∑ π

and it was delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uk75u/1_23_π/
%
I have a stepladder

because my real ladder ran away when I was five

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uk5g0/i_have_a_stepladder/
%
Phil got in an argument with his girlfriend two days ago.

And even though he was right she was still very upset. Because she was so mad Phil thought it would be smart to sleep on the couch. The next morning he woke up to a note on the fridge. “I’m going to be with my mother today, when I get home there had better get me something that’ll go from 0-200 in less than 10 seconds in that driveway.” So Phil left to hunt something down for his wife.
When she got home she found a massive box waiting for her. She opened it up, the folds of the cardboard falling away once the wrapping paper had been torn. She was flushed with emotion when she found that Phil had gotten her a bathroom scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uk524/phil_got_in_an_argument_with_his_girlfriend_two/
%
Man Goes Skydiving for the first time.

The instructor tells him.
" Now there is nothing to worry about, your Chute is set to open at a set height. If it doesn't open don't Panic, just pull this cord and your Reserve chute will open. When you land there will be a Truck waiting to pick you up.
Guy is pumped up and goes up in the plane. When given the signal he jumps out and soars down to earth. He hits the pre set height for his Chute and it doesn't open. Guy pulls the cord on his reserve chute and it doesn't open either. As the guy plummets to earth in a free fall he looks down at the ground.
" Son of a BITCH! Just as I thought, the Truck isn't there either! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uk4at/man_goes_skydiving_for_the_first_time/
%
Whats the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

A cactus has it's pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uk2w7/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_cactus/
%
Today's my reddit birthday!

I wish people could remember my real birthday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uk06r/todays_my_reddit_birthday/
%
Why was one-fifth so nervous?

It was too tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ujzwo/why_was_onefifth_so_nervous/
%
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?

No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ujzkq/daddy_do_all_fairy_tales_begin_with_once_upon_a/
%
My best friend got really mad at me when he caught me sniffing his sisters panties.

I probably shouldn’t have done it while the entire family was watching.
Guess it didn’t really help that she was still wearing them.
In all honesty it made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ujuvy/my_best_friend_got_really_mad_at_me_when_he/
%
I've called my horse Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uju91/ive_called_my_horse_mayo/
%
Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?

A: Because he was always spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ujthl/q_why_couldnt_the_leopard_play_hide_and_seek/
%
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ujlf9/what_do_you_call_a_bulletproof_irishman/
%
A soldier, a ninja, and a cowboy

Are flying over a city in a helicopter getting ready to land after a long battle, all three are sitting in silence until the ninja pulls out a throwing star and tosses it out of the chopper.
The soldier looks at him funny and asks why he did that. The ninja replies, "it is a time honored tradition after a long battle". The cowboy nods his head and pulls out a pocket knife and throws it out as well. The soldier not wanting to be left out fumbles through his bag and grabs a grenade throwing it out.
Later after landing, the soldier is walking through the city and comes across a boy who is crying. The soldier asks what is wrong and the boy said, "my mom and i were walking and a throwing knife hit her in the neck and killed her." The soldier expresses his sympathies and quickly continues walking. Soon after he comes to a little girl who is crying. He asks what is wrong and she replies, "my mom got hit in the head with a knife out of no where and died" again the soldier says he is sorry for her loss and continues on his way quickly.
Soon after he comes across a boy who is laughing and laughing. The soldier who needs a bit of a pick me up asks the boy what is so funny. The boy wipes a tear from his eyes and in between fits of laughter blurts out, "my dad farted and our house blew up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ujkk8/a_soldier_a_ninja_and_a_cowboy/
%
If i had a quarter for every time i didn't understand something

I'd be like "Uh, why are you giving me so many quarters?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ujk88/if_i_had_a_quarter_for_every_time_i_didnt/
%
Do you know why most miscarriage jokes are bad?

They fail at the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ujho3/do_you_know_why_most_miscarriage_jokes_are_bad/
%
I like my coffee the same way I like my slaves...

Irish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ujfuq/i_like_my_coffee_the_same_way_i_like_my_slaves/
%
Did you hear about this religious conman?

He believes in lie after death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ujdub/did_you_hear_about_this_religious_conman/
%
For the next Olympic Equestrian contest, they are renaming the “Show Jumping” event.

They are calling it Sarah Jessica Parkour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ujc08/for_the_next_olympic_equestrian_contest_they_are/
%
Did you hear Scotland is forming a new branch of their military?

They are calling it The Scotchgard. Its motto is "To protect the very fabric of our nation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uj531/did_you_hear_scotland_is_forming_a_new_branch_of/
%
Everyone thinks Goliath was this big, tough, Jew-bully.

But really, he was a Gentile giant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uj3a3/everyone_thinks_goliath_was_this_big_tough/
%
A tenured math professor handed out the blue books for an exam.

Considering he's given a variation of this test over the past 15 years, he didn't expect any surprises. As usual, all the students finished within the hour.
While grading the tests later that day, he came across an unusual response. As he opened the front cover, a $100 bill fell out to reveal the following note: "one dollar for every point".
The next day the blue books were handed back to the students with a grade written on the first page. However, one student found something different: three $20 bills and a note that said "here's the change".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uizlw/a_tenured_math_professor_handed_out_the_blue/
%
My wife left me because I was too insecure and paranoid.

Edit : Nevermind, she was just getting the mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uix0w/my_wife_left_me_because_i_was_too_insecure_and/
%
What is the modern term for rebound sex?

An after thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uivex/what_is_the_modern_term_for_rebound_sex/
%
“YOU WILL OBEY ORDERS OR I WILL BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME ENSIGN?” The officer demanded.

“SIR YES SIR!” The ensign replied. “REQUESTING PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY SIR!”
“GRANTED.” The officer bellowed.
“DON’T THREATEN ME WITH A GOOD TIME, SIR!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uismm/you_will_obey_orders_or_i_will_break_my_foot_off/
%
Before telephones were invented, fighting couples would actually make up over telegraph.

But first they had to learn re-Morse code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uioie/before_telephones_were_invented_fighting_couples/
%
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

If not, you're not using the bathroom at my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uimc6/do_you_know_the_difference_between_toilet_paper/
%
Japanese Ninjas are the worst ninjas...

Because they’re the only ones we know about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uikak/japanese_ninjas_are_the_worst_ninjas/
%
A woman wants to buy a dog.

She looks up the newspaper and sees an ad for a dog for sale. She visits the house of the seller, who's very friendly, greets her and asks her inside.
"Well, I suppose you want to get to know the dog. He's upstairs."
So the lady goes up, walks into the room and sees the dog, who greets her with "Hello!"
The woman is taken aback.
"Are you here to buy me?" asks the dog.
"Y-yes..." stammers the woman.
"Well let me tell you about myself. I'm a very accomplished dog: I speak three languages, I swam the English channel, I'm a member of MENSA..."
"W-wait, really?" asks the woman, even more surprised.
"Oh yes, yes. I was also asked by NASA to be involved in their space programme. I teach children music..."
"Just... hang on one second," she says, as she goes back downstairs to the owner.
"Sorry, but why do you want to sell that dog!?" she asks him.
He replies: "Because he's a f***ing LIAR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uihdo/a_woman_wants_to_buy_a_dog/
%
My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uigax/my_tinder_match_said_shed_talk_to_me_again_when/
%
My grandfather told me that he once saw the Titanic and that he knew it would sink

He told everyone he knew, but no one believed him.  So he told people a few more times, and then he was kicked out of the cinema.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uie54/my_grandfather_told_me_that_he_once_saw_the/
%
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days.

He says life could be a lot worse, that I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.
I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ui780/my_friend_keeps_telling_me_to_cheer_up_these_days/
%
What's the best way to get back on your feet?

Miss two car payments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ui5sz/whats_the_best_way_to_get_back_on_your_feet/
%
I want to encourage you all to not abuse alcohol.

And remember, neglect is a form of abuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ui58a/i_want_to_encourage_you_all_to_not_abuse_alcohol/
%
Two marines and one army soldier

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it.  When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.  The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services?  This hatred?  This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ui1tl/two_marines_and_one_army_soldier/
%
My Starbucks barista thinks he's so smart

just because he has a PhD in humanities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uhykb/my_starbucks_barista_thinks_hes_so_smart/
%
Yesterday I was in a theatrical production on puns.

It was a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uhyjb/yesterday_i_was_in_a_theatrical_production_on_puns/
%
A man rushes home from the doctor's

He runs straight to the bedroom to find his wife.
"Great news." He said, "The doctor told me that I need daily sex medication.
His wife, confused, picks up the doctor's note and says,
"This says dyslexia medication you fucking idiot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uhxnv/a_man_rushes_home_from_the_doctors/
%
Fish Tank

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and asks "How do you drive this thing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uhqll/fish_tank/
%
Yo mama’s so fat…

When she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uhpui/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
my cell phone

I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uhli7/my_cell_phone/
%
A guy asks a woman, “would you sleep with me for $100?”

“Of course not!” replies the lady.
”Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really use the money.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uhhay/a_guy_asks_a_woman_would_you_sleep_with_me_for_100/
%
Your first car is just like anal sex

You don't want it but your dad gives it to you anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uhffa/your_first_car_is_just_like_anal_sex/
%
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, they’re efficient and not very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uhc3l/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
MY KEYBOARD HAS A SENSITIVE SPOT. WHEN I TOUCH IT, IT GOES

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uhb4f/my_keyboard_has_a_sensitive_spot_when_i_touch_it/
%
I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

Now I live in a constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uhanf/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
%
cheeseey

Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
A. There was nothing left but de Brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uh7al/cheeseey/
%
All those men who think that women belong in the kitchen,

Have no idea what to do with them in the bedroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ugr4p/all_those_men_who_think_that_women_belong_in_the/
%
Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ugpg4/building_electirc_vehicles_is_illegal_in_africa/
%
A dyslexic man went to a bar

Saw a sign that said “nope”.
“Well, I guess I’ll come back later”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ugi9b/a_dyslexic_man_went_to_a_bar/
%
What's the diffrence between humans and bullets?

Humans miss John Lennon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uggwf/whats_the_diffrence_between_humans_and_bullets/
%
A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.
The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The lion reluctantly agrees.
The mouse begins to fuck the lion and right after he busts his nut, he runs away.
The lion notices what has happened and begins to chase the mouse.
The mouse, hoping to take disguise, finds a seat at a table. He grabs a newspaper and begins to casually read it, hoping the lion passes him by.
The lion urgently asks "Have you seen a little mouse run past here!?"
The mouse replies "Do you mean the mouse that fucked you in the ass?"
Horrified, the lion gasps: "Its in the newspaper already!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uggk4/a_horny_lion_and_a_horny_mouse/
%
How do you hide a fat man's paycheck?

Put it on his treadmill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ugf2b/how_do_you_hide_a_fat_mans_paycheck/
%
So i was watching an anime last night and all the captions were in spanish

oops wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ugdra/so_i_was_watching_an_anime_last_night_and_all_the/
%
I only have sex with prostitutes.

I guess I'm buysexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ufzu7/i_only_have_sex_with_prostitutes/
%
A rabbi and the Pope have a religious debate

Several of the Pope's officials are concerend about the growing Jewish population in Rome, so the encourage the Holy Father to set up a religious debate with the head Rabbi. If the Rabbi loses, he must leave Rome. If he wins, they can stay.
However, the Rabbi doesn't speak Italian or Latin and the Pope doesn't speak Hebrew or Yiddish. So they agree to have the debate using only symbols and hand gestures. The Pope goes first. He holds up three fingers. The Rabbi holds up one finger. The Pope makes a circular motion with his hand above his head. The Rabbi points to the ground. Then the Pope takes out a bottle of wine and communion wafers. The Rabbi pulls out an apple.
At this, the Pope holds up his hands and says, "That's it. He is far too smart for me. The Rabbi wins, the Jews can stay."
That evening, the Pope discusses what happened with his advisers. "First, I held up the symbol for the Trinity. Then he held up one finger, meaning there is only one God. Then I told him God is everywhere, and he said God is right here. Then I pulled out the sacrament to show that there is salvation, and he pulled out an apple, meaning that there will always be original sin. He's far too smart."
Meanwhile the Jews are having a party and one of the Rabbi's congregants comes to him and asks how the debate went.
"Can you believe the chutzpah on this guy? He tells me, 'You've got three days to leave Rome.' I give him the finger. He then says, 'Not only do you have to leave Rome, you have to leave all of Italy.' I tell him we're staying right here. Then for some reason he pulled out his lunch so I took out mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ufxhd/a_rabbi_and_the_pope_have_a_religious_debate/
%
[NSFW] I told ya mom!

911, what's your emergency?
"I'm masturbating too much"
Sir, that's not really a problem.
"One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ufvqq/nsfw_i_told_ya_mom/
%
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of college, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uft96/reaching_the_end_of_a_job_interview_the_human/
%
How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant?

You hold its trunk until it turns blue. Then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ufogi/how_do_you_kill_a_blue_elephant_you_shoot_it_with/
%
The doctor: "It's perfectly okey to get a hard on whilst doing a prostate examination."

Patient :" but doctor I don't have a hard on?"
Doctor:"No, but I do"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ufip8/the_doctor_its_perfectly_okey_to_get_a_hard_on/
%
Trump wants to make it illegal to buy pre-shredded cheese

It's all part of his plan to make America *grate* again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ufi8c/trump_wants_to_make_it_illegal_to_buy_preshredded/
%
India sends a cat to Mars

In a few years India will send a cat to Mars to check out if it is possible to survive in that environment.
After some adaptation the cat starts roaming around on Mars.
All is well until one fine day suddenly the cat is mashed under a vehicle of sorts.
Everyone is wondering what happened.
Then they realise that...
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ufhqz/india_sends_a_cat_to_mars/
%
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ufgfa/with_the_way_i_see_asian_people_driving_it_got_me/
%
What's the difference between Orange County and r/Jokes?

OC is short for one and the other's short of OC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uff31/whats_the_difference_between_orange_county_and/
%
Yesterday my father cried while dicing onion.

Onion was a good dog :'(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf9ud/yesterday_my_father_cried_while_dicing_onion/
%
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

in three weeks.
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!"
The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf8lv/two_syrian_refugees_compete_to_see_who_can_become/
%
What is Gordon Ramsay's favourite subreddit?

Its fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf83b/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favourite_subreddit/
%
Optimist thinks that the world he's living in is the best possible.

Pesimist is afraid that it's really true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf7iq/optimist_thinks_that_the_world_hes_living_in_is/
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This is a mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf74c/this_is_a_mean_joke/
%
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman..

And told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 3 minutes all charges were dropped due to  lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf6ft/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman/
%
The Shovel Was....

A Ground Breaking Invention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf5k2/the_shovel_was/
%
A drunk comes walking down the street and stops a cop

"Man, someone stole my car" he tells the officer.
"Alright, where was it?" Asks the cop.
The drunk replies "it was right on the end of this key"
The cop looks at the drunk with an eyebrow raised and says, "well why don't you come down to the precinct house with me and we'll get all of the paperwork filled out."
The drunk agrees and as they start to walk off together the cop stops and says "before we go though, I'm going to need you to zip up your fly."
The drunk looks down and with a worried expression replies back "ah man they got my girl too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf57n/a_drunk_comes_walking_down_the_street_and_stops_a/
%
I hate it when Windows 10 resets my default browser...

It puts me on Edge every time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf442/i_hate_it_when_windows_10_resets_my_default/
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Kim Jong Un was given an international literary award a couple days ago...

... but nobody should be surprised; he is the Supreme Reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf3rz/kim_jong_un_was_given_an_international_literary/
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Everyone knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf3r3/everyone_knows_dave/
%
Last night I had a root beer, and I put it into a square glass.

Now I have a beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf3js/last_night_i_had_a_root_beer_and_i_put_it_into_a/
%
I have a step ladder...

...I never knew my real ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf3fb/i_have_a_step_ladder/
%
Whater jokes?

Man goes to a doctor cuz he’s felt ill for days. The doctor gives him a bunch of pills.
The doctor says: “Take the green pill with one glass of water in the morning. An hour later, take the white pill with another glass of water. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water before lunch, after lunch, take the orange pill with water. Repeat after dinner. Then, just before going to bed, take the 2 red pills with a big glass of water.”
The man is alarmed at huge volume of medicine he has been given to take, and nervously asks, “What’s the diagnosis? What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “You’re dehydrated.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf1f6/whater_jokes/
%
Bill, Steve and Jim are discussing when they get in arguments with their wives

Bill says "When I get in an argument with my wife, I tell her I'm sick of listening, heres the way it is, and that's the way its going to be.  Then that's the end of the argument."
Steve replies "Hmm.  Well, when I get in an argument with my wife, I calmly explain to her why she is wrong and how I can understand how she came to that conclusion.  But in the end, I'm always right."
Jim looks at both of them and smugly states "Well, when I get in an argument with MY wife, she usually ends up on her knees."
Bill and Steve both laugh and look at Jim incredulously.  "Ya right, Jim!  What happens after that?"
Jim gets a serious, forlorn look on his face. "Well, then she yells "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT ME YOU PUSSY!""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uf0un/bill_steve_and_jim_are_discussing_when_they_get/
%
A photon is checking into a hotel when he asks if he needs help, but he says...

"No, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uexjx/a_photon_is_checking_into_a_hotel_when_he_asks_if/
%
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, drinking beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.
"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."
"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."
"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.
"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"
"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."
"Yes, yes I do have a house!"
"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."
"Yes, yes I do have a family!"
"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."
"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.
"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.
"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.
"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
"No."
Jim stared at him. "You some kind of faggot, Bob?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uet12/two_texas_farmers_jim_and_bob_are_sitting_in_a/
%
[NSFW] A man goes to a prostitute...

A man goes to a prostitute and asks, "How much is a blow job?"
"$150."
The man says that's really expensive but the prostitute assures him that is worth it. The man agrees and hands her the money. He pulls out his penis and begins masturbating furiously.
"Hey what are you doing I thought you wanted a blow job?!"
The man replies,"for $150 you're not getting the easy one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uersn/nsfw_a_man_goes_to_a_prostitute/
%
A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream

and asked his wife if she wanted some.
"How hard is it?" she asked.
"About as hard as my dick," he replied.
"Pour me some."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ueqzc/a_husband_came_home_with_half_gallon_a_of_ice/
%
What happens when you cross human DNA and goat DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uephe/what_happens_when_you_cross_human_dna_and_goat_dna/
%
Why do Anti-Vaxxers like Peter Pan?

Because he wants kids to never grow up and not be looked down on for doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ueph3/why_do_antivaxxers_like_peter_pan/
%
A masochist asks a sadist to hurt him...

...the sadist, smiling, walks away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uenlw/a_masochist_asks_a_sadist_to_hurt_him/
%
This girl I have a huge crush on said she loves me like a brother...

Which is great, because she’s from Alabama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uemgf/this_girl_i_have_a_huge_crush_on_said_she_loves/
%
What do you call a tower made of body parts?

Body Building.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uembn/what_do_you_call_a_tower_made_of_body_parts/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and arrogance.

I don't know, but *you* probably don't know either *idiot*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uel57/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
%
You ever notice how gay people don't use the 'I like my coffee like how I like my guys' joke...

That's cause they prefer teabags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uehjy/you_ever_notice_how_gay_people_dont_use_the_i/
%
What was Matthew McConaughey's least favourite part of Interstellar?

When the girl gets older, and he stays the same age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ueh2u/what_was_matthew_mcconaugheys_least_favourite/
%
You probably shouldn't send alcoholics to jail...

They've spent enough time around bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uefyj/you_probably_shouldnt_send_alcoholics_to_jail/
%
A pair of newlyweds go golfing...

A pair of young newlyweds decide to go golfing at an upscale resort. They get up early Sunday morning, load up their clubs, and drive the hour and half to the remote location. On the first tee, they are astounded to see multi-million dollar homes lining the course, the rising sun catching stained plate glass windows in a glittery display of decadence.
The husband leans to his wife and says "Love, please, play it safe and don't hit any of these homes. We can't afford to replace one of those windows if we break one!"
Nodding, his wife agrees, tees up, and smacks the ball mightily. With an ominous "woosh", they watch in growing terror as the ball slices right, making a beeline for the biggest house's most prominent window. The ensuing tinkling of glass confirmed all they needed to know: the window was broken.
Rushing over, the couple was frantically trying to figure out how to make amends. They arrive on the doorstep of the home and ring the bell. They hear a slight curse and the front door opens to show a man in a robe, behind him, the young woman's ball lying in the middle of a shattered vase.
The husband began talking fast. "Sir, I am so sorry about your window and vase. My wife and I don't have a lot of money though, so we cannot pay you for them. Please, is there anything else we can do for you?"
The man looked bewildered, looking from behind him to the young couple on his stoop.
"Young man, you've freed me! I am a genie, and have been trapped in that vase for two full millenia! It is I who should repay you! I will grant you and your wife one wish each."
Not believing their luck, the husband and wife agree to wish for wealth and fame unending. The genie folds his arms and nods smartly.
"Now, before you go, I have to ask a favor. I have not known the touch of a woman for over two millenia. I would like to bed your wife."
Flustered, the husband and wife look at each other and agree that the genie, should know the touch of a woman after so long, and so the wife goes upstairs with the genie.
After they finish, the genie lights up a cigarette, puffs on it, and looks at the wife. "How old are you, lady?"
"I'm 26!"
"And your husband?"
"He's 24."
Shaking his head and chuckling, the genie puffs on his cigarette again. "26 and 24, and you both still believe in genies?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uefya/a_pair_of_newlyweds_go_golfing/
%
I Saw A Sloth Eating A Watch...

It Was Very Time Consuming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ueft8/i_saw_a_sloth_eating_a_watch/
%
A lonely driver sees a nun hitchhiking and decides to give her a ride

After a surprisingly good conversation, the drivers feel embolden enough the ask the big question:
\-Mam, if I may be do indiscreet, how do you live without sex?
\-Oh my good man, I've already had so much sex that I can go a while without.
The driver is surprised and intrigued. Suddenly he remembers the fantasy he's had since being an alter boy. The nun sees him blushing and asks if he has another question:
\-Oh no, not a question. I just remembered a childish fantasy.
\-You and so many others, dear.
\-Ah. But I'm sure it's impossible.
\-Oh don't be dishearten my dear. There are always back-doors. The Bible actually doesn't mention those".
The driver takes a time to process this and eventually musters up his courage:
\-Mam, is there any change we might ...?
\-Might what, dear?
\-Euhm, explore the backdoor?
\-Oh alright, for old times sake. Pullover near those bushes
They go at it and have a brief yet amazing time. Afterwards they depart again.
\-So, mam, are you on the way to your monastery?
\-Oh no. I'm on my way to the Gay Pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ueeb9/a_lonely_driver_sees_a_nun_hitchhiking_and/
%
I lost my IDs.

I feel like such an iot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uee5j/i_lost_my_ids/
%
A long time ago when I was just a kid, my dad and I were in our car, driving down along stretch of country road.

We came to a railroad crossing and my dad quickly stopped the vehicle, and put it into park.
We walked up to the rails and looked around for a brief moment. He bent down and touched them, smelled any residue on his hands, then licked his finger and pointed upwards, as if testing the wind for something.
He got back in the car and started driving again.
A few minutes went by, and I couldn't help but ask anymore. "Dad, what were you doing back there?"
"I was seeing if a train had gone by recently." he replied.
Of course at this point I was very curious. "Well? Did one go by?"
He said "yes."
"How do you know?"
"Because you can see its tracks."
I love my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uedz9/a_long_time_ago_when_i_was_just_a_kid_my_dad_and/
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's ride bikes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ue7ok/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Processor has had a bad day..

Graphics Card: Ya'know man, I can really put things into perspective for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ue7dq/processor_has_had_a_bad_day/
%
My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 90 km/h...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ue6s7/my_wife_just_opened_my_car_door_for_me/
%
A man asks a teddy bear if he would like some food.

Teddy bear : Nah thanks I'm a little stuffed......
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ue2jr/a_man_asks_a_teddy_bear_if_he_would_like_some_food/
%
A congressional aide asks the politician, “What should we do about this abortion bill?”

Politician: Shh. Just pay it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ue1dc/a_congressional_aide_asks_the_politician_what/
%
[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged.  The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9udyc7/nsfw_a_study_just_released_shows_that_84_percent/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9udu5f/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If you ever want a fun vacation, you should consider going to Disneyland Syria

I hear their rides are the bomb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9udskf/if_you_ever_want_a_fun_vacation_you_should/
%
A guy wakes up from a coma

All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9udqpd/a_guy_wakes_up_from_a_coma/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9udfmj/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Two cars crash on the road...

One of the angry drivers gets out of his car and jumps on the other.
-Luk wat hav u don. I brok ma vary expansive artifisal jaw on the stiring whale.
-Relax dude,
said the other driver,
-I have a solution for your problem in this box.
He opened a box full of jaws and let the injured driver choose the one that fits him best.
After the tenth trial, the happy man says:
-At least it's some relief that you are a dentist.
-Dentist!? Hell no, I am undertaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uddt7/two_cars_crash_on_the_road/
%
I pointed to 2 old drunks

sitting across from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years"
He said,"That's a mirror idiot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ud9fp/i_pointed_to_2_old_drunks/
%
So a blonde woman walks into a store....

and a clerk notices her standing in the kitchenware department. He walks up to her and asks if she needs assistance. The blonde says "Yes," as she holds up an object, "what's this?" 1he clerk responds, "That's a thermos." She replies, "what does it do?"  "Well it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde is sold and buys the thermos. The next day at work the blonde's boss walks up to her and asks her about her thermos. She says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." Her boss asks her what's in it to which the blonde responds, "Some soup and a popsicle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ud93p/so_a_blonde_woman_walks_into_a_store/
%
What kind of music do phones like to listen to?

Symphonies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ud72i/what_kind_of_music_do_phones_like_to_listen_to/
%
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...

Does money even matter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ud72f/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_existential_crisis/
%
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go!
After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover:
\- Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway.
\- But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route.
\-Yes, but I don't want to take it.
\-Why not, your Holiness?
\- Like I said, because I ... Oh just get out I'll drive.
Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria.
Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police:
\- Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it.
\- What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it!
\- Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important.
\- Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman?
\- No sir, much higher.
\- Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel?
\-No, sir. We think still higher, sir.
\-Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps?
\- Well sir, the Pope is driving him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ud21c/the_pope_is_saddend_that_he_never_sees_much_of/
%
My daughter lost her first tooth today

I bet she won't touch my X- box again !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ud1sq/my_daughter_lost_her_first_tooth_today/
%
The receptionist kept telling me that this was not the Sperm Bank. I was furious.

I insisted: "Then why does the sign outside say Hospital Stroke Center?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ud11j/the_receptionist_kept_telling_me_that_this_was/
%
What's the difference between a good joke?

and a bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ucuwz/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke/
%
Pilot left his microphone on.

After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said  to his Co pilot
' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'.
An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone.
When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for  a cup of coffee too'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ucudt/pilot_left_his_microphone_on/
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A Weasel In A Bar

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender looks over and says, 'Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?'
'Pop', goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ucr47/a_weasel_in_a_bar/
%
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..

"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!"
The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.
One of the nuns thoughtfully says,
-Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ucltb/two_nuns_stand_by_the_road_holding_a_sign/
%
A Chinese couple have become the first of their kind to have an Albino Baby!!

Which goes to show two Wong's can make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ucjm9/a_chinese_couple_have_become_the_first_of_their/
%
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

They get REALLY ANGRY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ucj4v/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
%
Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes.

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO FUCKED MY WIFE?". The entire bar falls silent until a guy in the back yells "You didn't brin..." just to be cut off by the angry guy who yells back "THIS HAS BEEN REPOSTED SO MANY TIMES THAT THIS TIME I CAME PREPARED".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uch97/guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_machine_gun_and_bunch/
%
I met this strange woman at the bar last night and we went back to her place to have sex. I don't know if any of you know what a "screamer" in the bedroom is, but...

...well, she had never been with one before and it really freaked her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ucehp/i_met_this_strange_woman_at_the_bar_last_night/
%
Why couldn't the virgin read this joke?

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ucd53/why_couldnt_the_virgin_read_this_joke/
%
Real men never tell jokes about anal

Because crappy jokes are a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uc92l/real_men_never_tell_jokes_about_anal/
%
Why are Communist memes funny?

Everyone *gets* them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uc8vr/why_are_communist_memes_funny/
%
How do you make a humorous soup?

You use laughingstock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uc74f/how_do_you_make_a_humorous_soup/
%
Wanna hear a joke about radioactive isotopes?

Sorry, it just decayed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uc4yd/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_radioactive_isotopes/
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The wishes conundrum...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock to him".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM!!! she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM!!! she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
**Moral of the story**: *Women are clever. Don't mess with them.*
**Attention female readers :**
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
**Male readers:**
Please scroll down...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
**Moral of the story**: *Women think they're really smart*.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
***Note:*** If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uc3a2/the_wishes_conundrum/
%
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

Chicken Sandwich:$1.50
Cheese Sandwich:$2.50
Hand Job:$10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager looking group of men.
' Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile. 'Can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the man, 'are you the one who gives the hand jobs?'
' Yes,' she purrs, 'indeed I am.'
The man replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ubzfe/a_guy_walks_into_a_pub_and_sees_a_sign_hanging/
%
My grandpa fell to his death and I'll never forget his last words...

They were "stop shaking the the ladder you cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ubvhq/my_grandpa_fell_to_his_death_and_ill_never_forget/
%
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ubuzs/a_17_year_old_male_walks_into_a_drug_store/
%
It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ubr8n/it_may_be_illegal_to_steal_kitchen_utensils_but/
%
A beautiful young woman asked the priest for a favor

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ubosd/a_beautiful_young_woman_asked_the_priest_for_a/
%
A sub, a sub, and a sub all have different meanings.

One is full of meat, one full of Seamen, and another is full of reposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ubmz6/a_sub_a_sub_and_a_sub_all_have_different_meanings/
%
When having sex with a frog, please use a condom.

If you really want the frog to enjoy it, be sure to rib it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ubku2/when_having_sex_with_a_frog_please_use_a_condom/
%
My wife didn’t want to get an abortion but I did

So we met in the middle and sent him to school in America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ubkhe/my_wife_didnt_want_to_get_an_abortion_but_i_did/
%
New job

A salesman decides to try for a new job in a department store.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The man, "Yeah, I’ve been a salesman all my life."
The boss liked him, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.? I’ll come down after we close and see how you went. "
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.? After the shop was locked up, the boss came down.? "How many sales did you make today?"
The salesman says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$50,237.64."
"$50,237.64?? What the hell did you sell him?"
"First I sold him a some fish hooks.Then I sold him a new fishing rod? Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast,
so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that big twin engine job.
Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the car department and sold him a 4x4 Land Rover."
The boss said, "Somebody came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, "Well, since your weekend’s fucked, you may as well go fishing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ubecb/new_job/
%
Today I caught 2 kids smoking pot outside my office

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and 2 kids smoking pot outside my office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ube31/today_i_caught_2_kids_smoking_pot_outside_my/
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2 old drunks

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend,
"That's us in 10 years".
He said "That's a mirror, dip-shit !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ubdue/2_old_drunks/
%
I just bought a Xmas tree.

The sales assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?"
I replied "No you sick bastard. It's going in the living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ubdds/i_just_bought_a_xmas_tree/
%
What do you call a tomb full of money?

A crypt o' currency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ubbzx/what_do_you_call_a_tomb_full_of_money/
%
So I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found...

these really old gold coins so I ran into my house to tell my wife about them, then I remembered why I was digging the hole...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ub9pe/so_i_was_digging_a_hole_in_my_backyard_when_i/
%
What kind of bird never gets pregnant?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ub7by/what_kind_of_bird_never_gets_pregnant/
%
What language do they speak in the center of the Earth

Corean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ub6m5/what_language_do_they_speak_in_the_center_of_the/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his butt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ub2id/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uay7c/my_brother_just_updated_his_status_to_i_love_my/
%
I've dressed up as a wind turbine today. I love wind turbines.

I'm a big fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uauxc/ive_dressed_up_as_a_wind_turbine_today_i_love/
%
A kid walks into a whore house

He walks up to the guy at the counter, and before he can say anything, puts wad of bills on the counter. "I wanna fuck the girl with the most STDs you have." The man looks at the cash, then directs him to a room in the back. The kid goes into the door, and after 15 minutes, walks back out. Before he can leave, the man at the counter stops him "Why would you want that? You basically just screwed your whole life up." The kid looks at him and says "My parents are going out tonight. When their gone, I'm gonna fuck the babysitter. Then my dad will take her home and fuck her at her house. When he gets back, he and my mom will fuck, and when he leaves for work in morning, My mom 's gonna fuck the neighbor." The man looks at him worriedly "What on earth does that have to do with this?" The kid screams "The neighbors the motherfucker who ran over my dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uaubu/a_kid_walks_into_a_whore_house/
%
What does a gay person and a poker player have in common?

They both get burned chasing straights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uaqjy/what_does_a_gay_person_and_a_poker_player_have_in/
%
Just lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams

It was a very good dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uapw9/just_lost_my_virginity_to_the_girl_of_my_dreams/
%
Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

You NEVER turn your back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uapvi/why_is_reverse_cowgirl_illegal_in_alabama/
%
what do you call a sex doll stuffed with duck feathers?

down to fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ualrt/what_do_you_call_a_sex_doll_stuffed_with_duck/
%
2, 3, and 4 are hanging out.

2 says to 4,
"Hey, I don't like this guy."
"Why, cuz he's odd?"
"Nah, he's mean."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uakzi/2_3_and_4_are_hanging_out/
%
I tried to catch fog yesterday

Mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9uacme/i_tried_to_catch_fog_yesterday/
%
I used to think capital letters weren't important

Then I helped my Uncle Jack off his horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ua2j9/i_used_to_think_capital_letters_werent_important/
%
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

Mittens!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Just kidding, he’s still trying to open his present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ua186/what_did_the_kid_with_no_arms_get_for_christmas/
%
What do Penguins, Black and White movies, Zebras and newspapers all have in common?

The next generation is not going to know what any of those things are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ua0x0/what_do_penguins_black_and_white_movies_zebras/
%
The Texas State trooper and the magician/juggler

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9zgr/the_texas_state_trooper_and_the_magicianjuggler/
%
Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She didn't have any arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9yh5/why_did_the_girl_fall_off_the_swing/
%
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9y69/what_do_you_call_a_witch_that_only_eats_sand/
%
What is white and in the Olympic 100 metre track final?

The lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9y01/what_is_white_and_in_the_olympic_100_metre_track/
%
What did neanderthals do for fun?

They went clubbing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9wum/what_did_neanderthals_do_for_fun/
%
According to FBI, the number of serial killers is decreasing every year.

Thanks to those damn lazy millennials who can't  commit to a single thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9weo/according_to_fbi_the_number_of_serial_killers_is/
%
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero, the other is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9vt2/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
I saw my first porno last night.

I looked so much younger back when it was filmed.
So did my uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9u1v/i_saw_my_first_porno_last_night/
%
An elderly couple go to the doctor. The doctor says the wife either has Alzheimer's, or AIDS.

"Well, how do we find out which one?"
"Is there a market in your town?"
"Yes...in the middle of town. Is that relevant?"
"Very relevant! What I want you to do, is take her to the market, and abandon her there!"
"Abandon my wife? But she might have Alzheimer's! What do I do then?"
"Go home. Wait for her there."
"And when she comes home? What then?"
"Well... ***if*** *she comes home*, don't fuck her"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9tno/an_elderly_couple_go_to_the_doctor_the_doctor/
%
I was watching porn last night when my grandmother walked in...

Not the best way to find out what she did for a living...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9rbv/i_was_watching_porn_last_night_when_my/
%
Three friends brag about who has had more sex..

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"
Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."
Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9qjg/three_friends_brag_about_who_has_had_more_sex/
%
I spent $500 on a handjob in Vegas.

My brother said he really needed the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9q3g/i_spent_500_on_a_handjob_in_vegas/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic klansman?

He really hated gingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9pmt/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_klansman/
%
I had expected that being asked to produce shoes for the Vatican would improve business at my Dublin shoe shop...

...but we've had nothing but trouble since changing our sign to say COBBLERS TO THE POPE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9p44/i_had_expected_that_being_asked_to_produce_shoes/
%
A farmer has three daughters...

...who are all getting ready for dates that evening.
The doorbell rings and the first date is there.
"Hi there, sir. I'm Larry, I'm here for Mary. Gonna take her for ice cream topped with a cherry"
The farmer let's them go. The second date comes.
"Good evening, sir. My name's Freddy. I'm here for Betty. I'm gonna take her dancing and to get some spaghetti"
The farmer let's them go on their date as well.
Finally, the third date shows up.
"Hey, what's up? My name's Chuck-"
The farmer shoots him dead before he can finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9p22/a_farmer_has_three_daughters/
%
Stuttering man on a boat

A man with a stuttering problem got a job working as the lookout person on a boat. He was told to look around for large ships that were headed their way and to yell out the word “ship!” when he saw one coming.  A few hours later, the stuttering man yelled “s-s-s-shhh-s-“ but by the time he managed to complete the word “ship” a huge ship crashed into them and sent the whole crew flying. This happened another few times, leaving the crew all bumped and bruised. A few minutes later, the stuttering man again started to yell “s-s-s-shhh-“ and another crewman yelled out “another ship must be coming!! Quick! Abandon ship!” and they all jumped into the water just as the stuttering man finished yelling “s-s-sh-shark!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9oir/stuttering_man_on_a_boat/
%
Despite what everyone says, I still don't believe that I'm gay or dyslexic

I guess I'm in Daniel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9k8y/despite_what_everyone_says_i_still_dont_believe/
%
I bought my mother in law a chair for her 50th birthday ..

...but the wife won't let me plug it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9id6/i_bought_my_mother_in_law_a_chair_for_her_50th/
%
A Bridge in the Desert

In 2006, the president of Poland met with former US President Bush at a meeting of NATO.
While there, the Polish president asked Bush for a favor. Looking to help an ally, Bush asked what he needed.
"Well, you see in Poland we are having a serious crisis of morale," he began. "You see, my people are unfairly accused of being stupid. We are constantly the punchline of jokes, and my people grow weary of the embarrassment."
"How can I help?" Bush asked.
"If you could arrange to do something stupid over in America. I mean really stupid. It would take the pressure off of my people and help us get a break from the constant ridicule."
"I can do stupid. No problem." said Bush.
So president Bush went home and commissioned a huge building project. A MASSIVE suspension bridge in the middle of the Mojave desert. It was the biggest in the world. Only, it wasn't connected to any roads, and it didn't cross over any rivers or canyons. There wan't any water for miles. It went from nowhere to nowhere, over nothing.
As expected, the bridge was a national disgrace. The US was a laughingstock. "A bridge in the desert" was an international punchline. Every late night show lampooned the ridiculous bridge. The ridicule continued for years.
Then, in 2010, the newly elected president of Poland met with then president Obama at another NATO summit.
"Mr. Obama, the people of my country thank you. Our morale has been restored. We are back on our feet and have our friends in America to thank for that. You can tear down that bridge any time you want. We are good."
"I would love to tear it down." said Obama. "The problem is there's a bunch of Polish guys fishing on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9htf/a_bridge_in_the_desert/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9hnw/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
How many film producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Does it have to be a lightbulb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9e02/how_many_film_producers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A woman has just given birth and sees the doctor approaching. "Doctor, is my baby a boy or girl?" she asks. The doctor replies, "I would never assume the gender of your baby."

"But THEY are dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u9azo/a_woman_has_just_given_birth_and_sees_the_doctor/
%
I like my girls how I like my coffee

Just kidding, I don’t like coffee, I’d rather have tea bags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u970n/i_like_my_girls_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
What is a furries favorite drink?

Cocktail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u94yd/what_is_a_furries_favorite_drink/
%
No-Nut November?

That’s called being married, kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u94r7/nonut_november/
%
Who's the second coolest guy in the hospital?

The hip replacement guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u94o2/whos_the_second_coolest_guy_in_the_hospital/
%
A wife asked her husband “If anything were to happen to you, would you be mad if I got remarried?”

He said “No.”, but after a while he really started thinking about it. He approached her that night and explained to her “Honey, I know I said I wouldn’t be mad, but I just can’t handle the thought of another man sitting in my recliner, driving my truck, shooting my guns and my bow—“ she reassuringly cut him off mid-sentence “Woah woah woah! That wouldn’t happen! He’s left handed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u94b8/a_wife_asked_her_husband_if_anything_were_to/
%
You may laugh but this cheap hairpiece from Walmart has really helped my self-confidence.

It was a small price toupee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u92ah/you_may_laugh_but_this_cheap_hairpiece_from/
%
A man is making passionate love to his wife when his neighbor busts open the front door.

Immediately embarrassed, he yells, “Jesus! Can’t you knock?”
His neighbor shouts back: “I’ll knock when you two get the fuck off my lawn!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8xu2/a_man_is_making_passionate_love_to_his_wife_when/
%
What do you call someone who is bigoted against scientists and engineers?

Anti-STEMitic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8xp8/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_bigoted_against/
%
I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell

Looking at it now, I see why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8veg/ive_often_heard_that_icy_is_the_easiest_word_to/
%
Little Johnny is learning math in Mrs. Smith’s 4 grade class...

Mrs Smith asks little Johnny,
“If there are 5 pigeons on a fence and a farmer shoots one, how many are left?”
“None, as the rest would fly away!”
“No little Johnny, there would be 4, but I like the way you think.”
Little Johnny then got peeved so he asked Mrs. Smith,
“Mrs. Smith, if there are 3 women on a park bench eating ice cream, one from a cup, one licking hers, and the other sucking on hers, which one is married?”
Mrs. Smith being a conservative older lady, was taken aback.
She meekly replies,
“I suppose the third...”
Little Johnny smirks and replies,
“No, the one with the wedding band on her finger, but I like the way you think!”
;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8org/little_johnny_is_learning_math_in_mrs_smiths_4/
%
I wrote this, does it need work?

Next door's parrot was so good at doing impressions, it even *tasted* like chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8nea/i_wrote_this_does_it_need_work/
%
What kind of shoes does a kidnapper wear?

White vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8lrh/what_kind_of_shoes_does_a_kidnapper_wear/
%
Did you hear where the new Tesla factory is being built?

Mad-at-gas-car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8jo1/did_you_hear_where_the_new_tesla_factory_is_being/
%
Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game

After I was bruised and bloody, but hey at least my dad came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8jb8/losing_my_virginity_was_a_lot_like_my_first/
%
When Jesus died, it was God's great sacrifice for the world...

When I kill my son, it's murder?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8iqi/when_jesus_died_it_was_gods_great_sacrifice_for/
%
TIFU: By eating my boss' sandwich



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8inu/tifu_by_eating_my_boss_sandwich/
%
What’s the difference between ignorant and arrogant

I don’t know and I don’t care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8i83/whats_the_difference_between_ignorant_and_arrogant/
%
What did the Mongolians give out for Halloween?

Khandy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8fzk/what_did_the_mongolians_give_out_for_halloween/
%
A man walking along a cliffs edge falls over

As he falls he grabs root sticking out from the cliffs wall.
For dear life he screams and yells, “ CAN ANYONE HERE ME! I NEED HELP! DEAR GOD HELP ME!”
Loudly from the sky God speaks to him, “ My child, I’ll save anyone having faith in me. All you must do is release your hand from that root.”
The man struggling to hold on yells, “ IS THERE ANYONE, PLEASE, ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8evt/a_man_walking_along_a_cliffs_edge_falls_over/
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Hanging out with a narcoleptic is trippy

One minute we're having a great conversation, the next minute I'm having sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8c3l/hanging_out_with_a_narcoleptic_is_trippy/
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A Polish man rushes into a lawyer's office

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."
LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."
LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."
LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."
LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me!"
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8bfv/a_polish_man_rushes_into_a_lawyers_office/
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What do gay horses eat

Heyyyyyyyy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8b87/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
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How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

It depends how hard you throw them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u8b2a/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_wall/
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I got my sausage dog neutered yesterday.

Now it's just a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u86xm/i_got_my_sausage_dog_neutered_yesterday/
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Fruits

Far away, there were a group of sailors who got caught in a thunderstorm.
The thunderstorm left three crew members on an unknown island. Later they found each other and together they encountered a strange tribe.
The native people of the island began to surround the three crew members and were ready to attack.
The chief comes out and states, "Who are you and what have you come here for."
Survivor A says, "We were sailing and got caught in a storm and were stranded here."
The chief replied, "Since we are do not permit foreign people we shall kill you, but if you are to join as one of us, you will go out in our island and pick 10 fruits each by noon."
The survivors agree and begin to head out to find fruits.
Survivor A returns early with 10 freshly picked apples.
The Chief says, "As a tradition of our people, you must stick all 10 fruits up your ass without emotion to survive this test. If you fail, we will kill you."
Survivor A begins with half an apple, but fails to keep going and is killed.
Survivor B arrived with 10 grapes and is told the same directions as survivor A. As survivor B continues to stick grape after grape, he emotionlessly sticks 9 grapes in. However, he suddenly bursts out in laughter and is slaughtered on the spot.
In heaven, Survivor A and Survivor B meet and since A was watching B, he asks, "Why did you laugh! You had a chance!"
Survivor B states, "The third guy brought pineapples..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u86pb/fruits/
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What's the definition of irony?

To not know the difference between a definition and an example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u86hp/whats_the_definition_of_irony/
%
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum.

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u82lf/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_44_magnum/
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Did you know that the ocean isn't always salty?

Sometimes it's peppery.
Depends on the season.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u80mz/did_you_know_that_the_ocean_isnt_always_salty/
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My doctor prescribed me Viagra as an anti-depressant

Everything is just getting harder and harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u7x8v/my_doctor_prescribed_me_viagra_as_an/
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, men can also be feminists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u7pf8/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Why don't ants have balls?

Cause then they'd be uncles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u7kd6/why_dont_ants_have_balls/
%
What are the three sizes of condoms?

Small, Medium and Liar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u7jbh/what_are_the_three_sizes_of_condoms/
%
Girl, are you the colour blue?

because 0000FF.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u7hl4/girl_are_you_the_colour_blue/
%
I just told my kid about the birds and the bees

He told me about his mom and the mailman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u7h44/i_just_told_my_kid_about_the_birds_and_the_bees/
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A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis...

that he could never work up the courage to have sex.
Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."
Blushing the man drops his trousers.
"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."
"Really?" the relieved man asked.
She nodded, "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u7gte/a_young_man_was_so_paranoid_about_the_size_of_his/
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Heard the one about the Russian hacker meddling in US elections?

The FBI agent monitoring your phone is going to love it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u7g8e/heard_the_one_about_the_russian_hacker_meddling/
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How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u7b30/how_many_boring_people_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?

SOMEONE WHO LIES AWAKE AT NIGHT WONDERING IF THERE’S A DOG.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u78v5/what_do_you_call_an_agnostic_dyslexic_insomniac/
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My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting to us to be positive. But it’s hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u76ag/my_dad_died_when_we_couldnt_remember_his_blood/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u75oe/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
Apples From Chernobyl

A man goes to a farmer’s market and sees apples and a sign that says “Apples from Chernobyl”.
The man says “What are you crazy? Who would buy apples from Chernobyl?” and the seller says “You’d be surprised. Popular present for mothers-in-law, the boss....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u73sz/apples_from_chernobyl/
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Sex is like...

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u71gq/sex_is_like/
%
Sex is like Broccoli.

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an
adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u70na/sex_is_like_broccoli/
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How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u6zdn/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. " Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. " The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"
"Moses," Replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u6y85/a_burglar_broke_into_a_house_one_night/
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I am still lost...

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u6ulg/i_am_still_lost/
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What's more dangerous than a pit bull with AIDS?

The guy who gave him AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u6t7k/whats_more_dangerous_than_a_pit_bull_with_aids/
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Antivax parent: Why is my son crying all the time?

Doctor: Well, I guess it's midlife crisis..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u6skz/antivax_parent_why_is_my_son_crying_all_the_time/
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A gang made up of domesticated wheat, barley and hops plants are reported to have been looting and rioting all over the country

Police say they are farmed and dangerous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u6rwr/a_gang_made_up_of_domesticated_wheat_barley_and/
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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic...

I was in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u6pv0/i_refused_to_believe_i_was_gay_and_dyslexic/
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I was at my girlfriends house, waiting for her to come home.

Her really hot sister came up to me and started flirting with me. She started stripping and told me she wouldn’t tell my girlfriend. I did the right thing and left the house without a word. My girlfriend was outside congratulating me on passing her test of loyalty
I learned a valuable lesson that day, always keep the condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u6j5u/i_was_at_my_girlfriends_house_waiting_for_her_to/
%
The story of snow, sand and brick.

This is the story of three kids named snow, sand and brick.
One day, snow asked his mother:
Mom, why did you named me snow ?
His mother answered:
This is because when you were born, a little bit of snow fell on your head.
Then, sand comes in and asked his mother:
Mom, why did you named me sand ?
His mother answered:
This is because when you were born, a little bit of sand fell on your head.
Then, brick comes in and asked his mother:
AGNEUUUUUGNEUUUUUUPRFTDOOOO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u6heo/the_story_of_snow_sand_and_brick/
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I was sitting in a bar lastnight...

When the bartender yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said back, "CPR? I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u6f0f/i_was_sitting_in_a_bar_lastnight/
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A man walks into a bar and says "G-g-give me a b-b-beer". The bartender says "One b-b-beer coming r-r-right up".

Halfway through the beer a Texan comes in and says in his thick Texas accent, "Gimme a taaall beeeer."
The bartender says in a similar thick Texas accent, "One taaall beeeer coming riiight up."
The first guy says to the bartender, "Hey, are you m-m-making f-f-f-f-fun of m-m-me?"
The bartender says, 'No, I was m-m-making f-f-f-fun of him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u6bas/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_gggive_me_a/
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What’s the small box on the back of a satellite dish called?

A council flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u67oo/whats_the_small_box_on_the_back_of_a_satellite/
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How did the carpenter know the board was cut in half?

He saw it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u67mk/how_did_the_carpenter_know_the_board_was_cut_in/
%
Why don't pens and pencils walk around?

Because they're stationary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u66pc/why_dont_pens_and_pencils_walk_around/
%
My wife told me she would have sex with me anytime if I would do some work around the house on that day.

I took her up on her offer and the last 30 days of sex and home improvements I've replaced windows, painted inside and out, put in new flooring and updated the kitchen.
In a few weeks I'll be able to sell this place and move in with my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u64fd/my_wife_told_me_she_would_have_sex_with_me/
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A penguin is driving around in his car in antarctica

Suddenly, his car makes a big cloud of smoke, he has to push it to the nearest mechanic.
He explains his problem, the mechanic tells him :
"Hmm ... I can't really tell the issue right now, come back in a couple of hours and I'll tell you what's wrong with your car"
The penguin starts walking 1 hour in one direction, and decides to head back, as he walks back to the mechanic, he sees another penguin selling ice creams.
He thinks to himself "I had a pretty rough day, besides, I walked for 2 hours, so I think I deserve a good ice cream"
He buys a big vanilla ice cream, but he's a penguin, he has a beak, so it's pretty hard to eat an ice cream without making a complete mess. When he's done, he has ice cream all over his beak.
He finally arrives to the mechanic
"So, did you figure out what's wrong with my car" he asks
"Hmm, it looks like you blew a seal"
"No no, I just had ice cream !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u63j8/a_penguin_is_driving_around_in_his_car_in/
%
My grandfather killed 15 Nazis at once.

He was the worst damn mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u62mp/my_grandfather_killed_15_nazis_at_once/
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The reduction

A guy with a terrible stutter goes to the doctor. The doctor examines him, and says, "I\`m afraid the problem is your large penis. It requires such an enormous blood supply, not enough blood is reaching the speech center in your brain."
"W-w-well, what c-c-can I d-d-do?" asks the guy.
"We can do a penis reduction," says the doctor.
"C-c-can you do that?"
"Sure," says, the doctor. "Reduction, addition... we can do it all nowadays."
And the guys says, "I-I-I don't know. I-I-I\`ll have to th-th-think about it."
A week goes by, and the guy just can\`t stand the stuttering any longer. So he returns to the doctor and asks for the penis reduction.
The surgery goes great, the guy wakes up, and sure enough, his stutter is gone!
After a couple of weeks with his normal-sized Johnson, however, the guy has second thoughts. So he returns to the doctor.
"Doc," he says. "Don\`t think I\`m ungrateful. You solved my stuttering problem, just like you said you would. However, I really miss my penis. You said you can do additions. I\`d like you to put the rest of my penis back on."
And the doctor says, "F-F-Fuck you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u622s/the_reduction/
%
Where is Karl Marx buried?

In a communist plot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u60ou/where_is_karl_marx_buried/
%
I make a living selling dehydrated body fluids, especially blood, yellow bile, black bile and phlegm.

I'm well renouned for my dry humors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u60ey/i_make_a_living_selling_dehydrated_body_fluids/
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How do you get Bill Clinton to screw in a lightbulb?

Tell him the lightbulb is an intern.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u5w40/how_do_you_get_bill_clinton_to_screw_in_a/
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Who’s the nicest guy in the hospital?

The ultrasound guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u5t23/whos_the_nicest_guy_in_the_hospital/
%
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let's go ride our bikes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u5qz7/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Did you hear about the sandwich shop that just opened up in India?

It's a new deli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u5qr9/did_you_hear_about_the_sandwich_shop_that_just/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u5qjq/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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Who do you think was one of the most open minded president(s) in history?

I would have to say John F Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u5i3r/who_do_you_think_was_one_of_the_most_open_minded/
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What is the best letter to get rid of in your alphabet?

Your X.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u5hdk/what_is_the_best_letter_to_get_rid_of_in_your/
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Did you hear that FedEx and UPS are merging?

The new company is going to be called FedUp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u5fgl/did_you_hear_that_fedex_and_ups_are_merging/
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What happened to the escaped convict who fell into a pool of concrete?

He became a hardened criminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u5axz/what_happened_to_the_escaped_convict_who_fell/
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NSFW There's a rumor going around...

... that there's a gay guy in my baseball team.
I really hope it's Greg, I've been wanting to suck his dick all season.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u59ea/nsfw_theres_a_rumor_going_around/
%
A police officer searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

“It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.” “Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed. I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!” “Go on then.” He smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, “Well, show me your pocket then.” “What for?” I asked. He said, “The drugs.” I said, “What drugs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u55yb/a_police_officer_searched_me_in_a_public_toilet/
%
A scouser walked into the job centre.

A scouser walked into the local job centre to pick up his dole cheque
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know; I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshitting' me!"
The social worker said: "Yeah, well . You started it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u54w2/a_scouser_walked_into_the_job_centre/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u5339/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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A farmer buys a rooster

A farmer kept a few chickens and one rooster. His rooster was getting old, so he decided to bring in a new hot shot rooster. One day, the young rooster approaches the old rooster and says “it’s about time you just let me start taking care of all of the chicks around here”. The old rooster thinks for a minute, and says “I think you’re right. I’m getting old and this is a lot of work. Just for competition sake, let’s race around the farm house 3 times. If you beat me I’ll give up my position and let you have all the chicks on the farm. But since I’m so old, you got to give me a 10 second head start”. The young rooster happily agrees, and lets the old rooster take off 10 seconds ahead of him. By the third lap, the young rooster is just about to pass him up at the finish line. Right then, the farmer comes out and shoots and kills the young rooster. The farmer says “Well I’ll be damned, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u50ox/a_farmer_buys_a_rooster/
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An alcoholic wakes up in prison

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"
"For drinking," replies the officer.
"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u4vlu/an_alcoholic_wakes_up_in_prison/
%
My stomach is flat.

The L is silent. ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u4r4m/my_stomach_is_flat/
%
My ex-wife still misses me

...but her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u4pyo/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
%
I like using self-deprecating humor.

I'm just not very good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u4ict/i_like_using_selfdeprecating_humor/
%
I lost my watch at a party once ...

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party.  I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u4gpq/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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Jesus tried to do a crossword

He got stuck on 2 across

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u4g04/jesus_tried_to_do_a_crossword/
%
A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you get to decide where you want to spend eternity."
The senator looks a bit bewildered and says "why can't I just go into heaven?"
Peter replies:"sorry rules are rules, where do you want to go first?"
The senator replies:"let's get the hard part out of the way first. I'll go to hell to begin with."
Peter points to an elevator: "press the button and go all the way down."
The senator walks over presses the button and starts heading down. Going down nothing changes everything seems the same as when he got in and when he hits the bottom it opens up to reveal a sandals resort-esque layout.
As soon as he walks out a woman clad in a bikini gives him a mojito and he is greeted by three of his old friends. They walk over to a golf course and have a grand time catching up and talking.
Then the devil walks up. Except no horns, nor hoofs, but rather a white linen suit. He smiles and starts cracking jokes and the Senator has a blast.
At the end of 24 hours he gets back in the elevator and goes back up to the pearly gates.
Peter greets him and asks: "how was it?"
The Senator responds "amazing!"
Peter raises an eyebrow quizzically and then directs him to the entrance of heaven.
The Senator goes in and enjoys chilling on cloud furniture relaxing and enjoying himself but he is lonely and it just isn't the same without his friends.
So at the end of the 48 hours he goes back to Peter. Peter asks him: "have you made up your mind?
The Senator replies: "I have. Never thought I would say this in my entire life, but I would like to go to hell."
Peter looks at him aghast. "Are you sure? Because once you make the choice it is irrevocable."
The Senator replies "yes i'm sure."
Peter again points to the elevator and replies: "May God have mercy on you."
The Senator goes and gets into the elevator. This time as it goes down it starts getting warmer to the point where the elevator feels like a furnace.
The elevator stops and opens, but this time it’s different.
The Senator sees fire and caverns with devils chasing people with pitchforks and everything is well...hell.
He walks up to the devil who this time has horns, hoofs, and wings.
He says “When I came here the other day it was like a tropical beach resort, now it’s well hell. What happened??”
The devil looks at him and says smiling: “well you see the other day we were campaigning, but today you voted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u4eeq/a_us_senator_died_and_went_to_heaven/
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What do you call an Irishman who keeps bouncing off things?

Rick O’Shea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u4dmy/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_who_keeps_bouncing/
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The stutterer

So a guy with a stutter wants to ask his girlfriend to marry him. However, every time he tries, he gets nervous and stutters so badly he can barely get a word out. So he goes to a friend at work and asks for advice.
The friend says, "Here\`s what you do. Instead of coming right out and asking her, ask in a roundabout way. That way you won\`t get nervous."
"T-t-that\`s a g-g-good idea!" says the guy.
The next day the friends see each other. The stutterer has a black eye and a broken nose.
"What the hell happened?" asks the friend.
"W-w-well, I t-t-tried your advice. W-w-we were sitting on the c-c-couch, and t-t-the cat was in front of us, w-w-washing his face with his p-p-paw."
"And I s-s-said, \`Y-y-you know, if w-w-we were m-m-married, y-y-you could d-d-do that t-t-to me!"
"That\`s perfect!" says the friend. "That\`s exactly what I meant. What happened?"
"W-w-well," said the stutterer, "b-b-by the t-t-time I g-g-got it out, t-t-the cat w-w-was licking his balls!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u4bnj/the_stutterer/
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What's the difference between a school and a compound?

I got no clue, I just fly the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u4b6b/whats_the_difference_between_a_school_and_a/
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Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.

“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
\-
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
\-
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u4b1z/two_teenagers_fred_and_joe_meet_after_school_and/
%
I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher

I also told him she wants him to clean his room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u490s/i_called_my_friend_and_told_him_i_put_a_load_in/
%
Just watched a documentary on how ships are held together.

It was riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u47x7/just_watched_a_documentary_on_how_ships_are_held/
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Santa gave me a whip, a pair of handcuffs and a gag for Christmas last year.

I'm not sure what to expect after being naughty this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u458g/santa_gave_me_a_whip_a_pair_of_handcuffs_and_a/
%
Two aliens are observing Earth from their spaceship in outer space...

"This is interesting," says the first, "the biped species on this planet has developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
"Are they an emerging intelligence?" Asks the second alien, who looks exactly like the first.
"I don't know, they have them all pointed at themselves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u454g/two_aliens_are_observing_earth_from_their/
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(OC) I told my mom “Make me”.

She said “I’m not making the same mistake twice”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u44dt/oc_i_told_my_mom_make_me/
%
What is Jesus's least favorite form of exercise?

CrossFit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u42va/what_is_jesuss_least_favorite_form_of_exercise/
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What does the baby computer call it's father?

Data!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u42ma/what_does_the_baby_computer_call_its_father/
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The Audit

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u423t/the_audit/
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What happens if you paint a barn red in Norway?

A pair of very angry Norwegian speaking parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u40qr/what_happens_if_you_paint_a_barn_red_in_norway/
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I just farted in my wallet

And now I have gas money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u3y6k/i_just_farted_in_my_wallet/
%
My dad died last year

I remember how it happened. He suffered a terrible car accident and eventually died in the hospital from blood loss. We could've saved him, but none of us remembered his blood type. I still remember how my family gathered around his bed and how he kept telling us to "be positive" over and over again right before he died. I tried to, but his death has been really hard on my family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u3sz3/my_dad_died_last_year/
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How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?

Why must it be a group activity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u3lf3/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Being happy is like pissing your pants

Everybody can see it, but you're the only one that can feel the warmth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u3la0/being_happy_is_like_pissing_your_pants/
%
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"
"For drinking," replies the officer.
"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u3ci0/an_alcoholic_wakes_up_in_jail/
%
What does a priest bring to a sporting event?

Penance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u38kd/what_does_a_priest_bring_to_a_sporting_event/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of a boat?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u34xl/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_out_of_a_boat/
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks

But I tried, and it didn't...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u2y9h/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_falling_rocks/
%
What do you call a deer who wants to make cartoons?

Adobe Illustrator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u2wib/what_do_you_call_a_deer_who_wants_to_make_cartoons/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight....

There would be mass confusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u2vph/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
I slept like a baby last night..

I spent half the night crying and then shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u2so9/i_slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
%
My dick had a hard attack...

Which led to a stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u2r5a/my_dick_had_a_hard_attack/
%
Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy Birthday, Boss!" - I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues all yelling "Surprise!!", while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u2qkv/why_did_i_get_divorced/
%
A chicken farmer goes into a bar.

A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turns to her and says,
"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence," she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u2ocl/a_chicken_farmer_goes_into_a_bar/
%
An Englishman and an American and an Irishman are bragging to each other.

The Englishman says "I'm so popular, if I go to my local bar, I buy a drink, the barman gives me one free, I buy a drink, he gives me another".
The American says "That's nothing, I go to my local bar, every time I buy a drink, I get another two and free food!"
The Irishman says "That's nothing, I know a bar in my town, you get as many free drinks as you want,  and then sex all night long".
The American and Englishman say "Woah, that's amazing, what's it called? "
The Irishman replies "I'm not sure, but my sister recommends it....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u2mw3/an_englishman_and_an_american_and_an_irishman_are/
%
A man goes to prison for the first time in his life

When he gets there, he is still pretty shaken and decides that he should go straight to bed and not talk with the other prisoners just yet. Night falls and the man gets into bed. 5 minutes later, after the guards leave the room, the prisoners go to the bars of their cells and start talking loudly. One guy says "46" and everyone bursts out laughing. Another man says "253" and the room is filled with laughter once again. This goes on for a while, and the new prisoner, confused, walks up to the bars and asks the prisoner in the neighbouring cell what's going on. The other prisoner says "Well there's a book in the library called "1000 funniest jokes ever" and since we have a lot of spare time we know them by their numbers, so instead of saying the same joke, we just say the number". The man is intrigued and for the next few days he tries to learn as many jokes as he can and waits patiently for nighttime. One night, he confidently goes to the bars of his cell and waits. "581" says another prisoner. Everyone is rolling on the floor laughing. "694" says someone else. Everyone starts laughing again. The man thinks "it's my time to shine" and shouts "250" and the room goes quiet. He asks his neighbour what he did wrong and the guy replies "oh you didn't do anything, some people just don't know how to tell jokes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u2ljc/a_man_goes_to_prison_for_the_first_time_in_his/
%
Who is the nicest guy at a hospital?

The ultra-sound guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u2lgx/who_is_the_nicest_guy_at_a_hospital/
%
Life is like an ass

The deeper you reach, the shittier it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u2lbn/life_is_like_an_ass/
%
Mass Murder

Man walks into a pub and the bartender says, "Not seen you in ages, where you been?"
"Was in the jail," replies the man.
"Sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "What did you do?"
"What do you mean?," says the man, "I was just visiting. My friend got convicted for a mass murder down south last month, you see."
"That's awful! If you don't mind my asking, how many people did he kill?"
"Oh just the one."
"One? I thought you said he was a mass murderer?"
"Aye, he killed the priest while he was at church."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u2jxd/mass_murder/
%
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

Dam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u2cqd/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_the_wall/
%
When I was a kid, I googled 'DNA' to know more about it.

I was promptly directed to the National Dyslexic Association homepage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u2clz/when_i_was_a_kid_i_googled_dna_to_know_more_about/
%
How to make friends as an adult

Tell a girl you love her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u24qs/how_to_make_friends_as_an_adult/
%
I asked my trainer "Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?"

He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u24ix/i_asked_my_trainer_which_machine_at_the_gym/
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OC: what do you call a couple making out on a Subway?

Metro sexuals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u22m9/oc_what_do_you_call_a_couple_making_out_on_a/
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A moral joke, finally!

The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes Ma'am, My Daddy is told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
Pin drop silence in the class !!
''Good Heavens,' said
the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ?
"Stay away from Mommy when
she's drunk..!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u229b/a_moral_joke_finally/
%
A mathematician wanders back home at 3 am

and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
"You are late!" she yells.
"You said you would be home by 11:45!"
"Actually," the mathematician replies cooly, " I said I would be home by a quarter of 12."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u20i6/a_mathematician_wanders_back_home_at_3_am/
%
Are you aware that Thailand used to have a different name?

Yeah, Siam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u1zga/are_you_aware_that_thailand_used_to_have_a/
%
Do you know why so many Italian people are named Tony?

Years ago they were shipping a bunch of them into America and they stamped on their foreheads To:NY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u1yko/do_you_know_why_so_many_italian_people_are_named/
%
I entered 10 puns in a pun contest to see which one would win.

No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u1y00/i_entered_10_puns_in_a_pun_contest_to_see_which/
%
A middle aged white man steps up to a urinal.

While he is doing his business a large black fellow takes up the stall next to him. Eventually curiosity overrides his better judgement and the white man leans back a bit to see if the rumors are true. Suddenly he notices a tattoo on the black mans penis and explains “Hey no way! You and I have the same tattoo!” And sure enough clearly visible on both men’s privates is tattooed the letters “W” and “Y”. “Mine says ‘Wendy’, my wife’s name when I’m erect,” the white man exclaims. “What does yours say?” The black man smiles and responds, “Mine says ‘Welcome to Jamaica and have a good day.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u1x9q/a_middle_aged_white_man_steps_up_to_a_urinal/
%
What's the difference between a match and a piano?

A piano burns longer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u1v8j/whats_the_difference_between_a_match_and_a_piano/
%
There was a man who would stay awake 48 hours straight every Saturday and Sunday from midnight to midnight.

When asked why he did it, he said “Sleep is for the week.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u1o1z/there_was_a_man_who_would_stay_awake_48_hours/
%
Man: Father, I have sinned. I had a threesome last night....

It was with two, beautiful, gorgeous young women who did everything I wanted and kept coming back for more, all night long.
Priest: son, although you did a bad thing outside of marriage, you are forgiven.
Man: I don't want forgiveness...
Priest: then why are you telling me?
Man: I'm telling EVERYONE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u1knm/man_father_i_have_sinned_i_had_a_threesome_last/
%
A man walks into the DMV.

The clerk skips pleasantries and just asks, "Full name please."
"Jo-jo-j-john Whi-w-wh-white-whi-whitehall."
The clerk pauses for a moment. Then he asks again, more patiently, "May I ask for your full name, sir?"
"Jo-jo-j-john Whi-w-wh-white-whi-whitehall."
The clerk is a bit flustered. He tries again: "Could you you try again, perhaps more slowly this time? Take your time."
The man takes a deep breath, and says: "Jo-jo-j-john Whi-w-wh-white-whi-whitehall."
Now at a loss, the DMV clerk says. "I'm sorry, Mr. Whitehall, but I can't help but notice you have a stutter -"
The man cuts him off in anger: "No I don't, actually! My *father* had a stutter, and the registrar was a *motherfucking cunt!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u1h0n/a_man_walks_into_the_dmv/
%
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u1gfw/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
A migrant caravan travels to Venezuela by mistake

.
The Bolivar is inflating at 80,000%, people are butchering zoo animals for food, the oil refineries are falling apart, the roads are covered in trash.
The migrant leader asks one of the guards, "What happened here?"
The guard frowns and aims his machine gun, "Be VERY careful what you say next."
The migrant man almost pisses himself but manages to respond. "America is an evil, racist, exploitative capitalist hellhole."
The migrant sighs in relief as the guard hears this and puts down his gun. He waits a moment and then continues, "Could you tell us how to get there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u1ekm/a_migrant_caravan_travels_to_venezuela_by_mistake/
%
What do you call a blind ghost that likes to play piano?

Wraith Charles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u1abh/what_do_you_call_a_blind_ghost_that_likes_to_play/
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Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it's cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u19xt/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_female/
%
A musical scale got kicked out of a bar.

Why? It was A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u19vc/a_musical_scale_got_kicked_out_of_a_bar/
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My girlfriend started to smoke after we had sex...

so next time we used lubricants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u15yf/my_girlfriend_started_to_smoke_after_we_had_sex/
%
Whats easier to pick up, the heavier it gets?

A woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u10xz/whats_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
%
A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem."
The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"
The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!"
The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know..."
A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Why didn’t you try what I told you?"
"I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work... ....b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u0y37/a_man_walks_in_to_a_bar_and_says_gggimme_a_bbbeer/
%
What happens when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?

You get someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u0xay/what_happens_when_you_cross_an_agnostic_a/
%
What do wearing Crocs and getting a blowjob from a guy have in common?

They both feel great until you look down and realize you're fucking gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u0wwl/what_do_wearing_crocs_and_getting_a_blowjob_from/
%
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards

Patient: And?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u0rtl/doctor_it_appears_that_your_dna_is_backwards/
%
How do you know if a person has class ?

Their tattoos are spelt correctly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u0qra/how_do_you_know_if_a_person_has_class/
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Irish Prostitute

Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u0hbl/irish_prostitute/
%
How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?

If it was made in any other state it would be called the teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u0dor/how_do_you_know_that_the_toothbrush_was_invented/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

Because they went extinct millions of years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u0bdm/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_in_the_bathroom/
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Blue Collar Joke

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the goddamn drywall.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u08ut/blue_collar_joke/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

.. because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u067e/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
You know you're a redneck if...

You get your oil changed by your barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9u026x/you_know_youre_a_redneck_if/
%
/r/jokes is full of

original content

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tzxw2/rjokes_is_full_of/
%
Little Johnny Back At It

Little Johnny is in class, and they are working in vocabulary.
Miss Jones  asks the class "Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?"
Little Mary shoots her hand up in the air, as does Little Johnny. Miss Jones has heard a lot of jokes, so of course she calls Little Mary first.
"My Mummy says that if you don't cover your face with a handkerchief when you sneeze, you'll make other people sick because you might be contagious".
"Excellent Little Mary! Now let's..."
But Little Johnny is persistent, and won't let this one go.  Miss Jones finally decided to call in him. "Who knows?" she thinks. "Even a broken clock is right twice a day."
So little Johnny starts.
"Me and me Dad were watching the neighbour paint his fence. Me Dad says "That's a 60 foot fence and he's using a half inch brush - that'll take the contagious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tzxuf/little_johnny_back_at_it/
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A man is contacted by a lawyer

"I'm sorry to contact you out of the blue" the lawyer says. "I have to say this is one of the strangest requests I've ever had from a client. You see, I'm representing your biological mother. When she gave you up for adoption 30 years ago, this was her condition.
"I'm adopted?" The man asks
"Yes, but not only that. You have a long lost twin." The man is shocked."I've always felt there was a piece of me missing...." he muses. The lawyer shows him an envelope with the address of a P.O. box.
"If you want to contact your brother, you have one chance to write him a letter. This P.O. box is the only way of connecting you, and this envelope is the only copy of that address. If you'd like to contact him, you must write him a letter now."The man immediately begins writing a letter, in which he pours out his heart. His life story, his innermost dreams, yearnings, and thoughts, years of existential loneliness. By the time he finishes, he's in tears. He hands the letter to the lawyer who affixes a stamp, seals it in an envelope and hands it to a waiting mailman. However, just then, a huge gust of wind from the open window blows the envelope out of the mailman's hand and out the open window.
They both watch in horror as the letter blows away. Almost out of sight, it comes to rest at the feet of a Buddhist monk, busy repairing a fence, who picks it up and puts it in a mailbox.
The man rushes out to thank the monk for re-mailing the letter. .
"Don't mention it." the monk says
"You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tzs5a/a_man_is_contacted_by_a_lawyer/
%
There isn't anything positive in my life.

Wait scratch that, there was that HIV test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tzrzu/there_isnt_anything_positive_in_my_life/
%
A judge asks the defendant, what is your name?

Mr. Fallcharges your honor. First name Freo.
So you're Freo Fallcharges.
Okay thanks, I am going to get going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tzqh0/a_judge_asks_the_defendant_what_is_your_name/
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Dear "cool kids"

They didnt name a candy after you did they?
Sincerely,
Nerds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tzmxa/dear_cool_kids/
%
Guys, spaceships are like...

A higher plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tzmnc/guys_spaceships_are_like/
%
Fast enough, I think . . .

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence, taking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself, “Great. He’s four and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”
“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed boy.
"Just how fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tzmau/fast_enough_i_think/
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What is Gordon Ramsay's favourite movie?

It's FUCKING FROZEN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tzlh8/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favourite_movie/
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Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight."
Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tzhqm/two_recruits_were_on_the_deck_of_a_ship/
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A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it.

He went online to this sub and had everything reposted in no time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tzfyt/a_mans_fence_is_broken_and_he_needs_to_hire/
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A recent accident has left me wheelchair bound. I'm a burden to my family and my morning bathroom routine is torture...

I can't stand to look at myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tzcld/a_recent_accident_has_left_me_wheelchair_bound_im/
%
Why was the calendar happy?

Because it had a lot of dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tzced/why_was_the_calendar_happy/
%
I checked my kids candy for drugs...

No luck this year either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tzamn/i_checked_my_kids_candy_for_drugs/
%
My neighbors complained that my dog was chasing their kid on his bicycle but that’s impossible...

My dog doesn’t even have a bicycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tza49/my_neighbors_complained_that_my_dog_was_chasing/
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Somebody told me me clothes looked gay

I told them it's because they came out of the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tz9nq/somebody_told_me_me_clothes_looked_gay/
%
What do you call a cute dish with a Mexican explorer on it?

A Dora bowl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tz7vf/what_do_you_call_a_cute_dish_with_a_mexican/
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What do you call a nun on a scooter?

A virgin mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tz3f4/what_do_you_call_a_nun_on_a_scooter/
%
Why did the chicken click the PowerPoint presentation?

To get to the other slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tz1q3/why_did_the_chicken_click_the_powerpoint/
%
How do we know the earth isn't flat?

Cuz your mama so fat she would've tipped us over by now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tyzw3/how_do_we_know_the_earth_isnt_flat/
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Did you hear the one about Oedipus and Midas?

It was motherfucking gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tyz8e/did_you_hear_the_one_about_oedipus_and_midas/
%
What does the car say to its new owner as they drive off the lot?

Thank you.  I depreciate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tywgo/what_does_the_car_say_to_its_new_owner_as_they/
%
There's this hot girl in my college writing class.

Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tythy/theres_this_hot_girl_in_my_college_writing_class/
%
Why was the calendar depressed?

Because it's days were numbered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tyonk/why_was_the_calendar_depressed/
%
I am smart

but brokenhearted,
I tried to fart but instead I sharted.
- - Emily Dickinson, 1626

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tynwe/i_am_smart/
%
Two women are in prison

Cell mate 1: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate 2: no way that’s insane
Cell mate 1: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tyfkv/two_women_are_in_prison/
%
Last night, my husband and I were talking about what we wanted if we died.

He explained to me that he wanted to make sure that our three children were taken care of, as well as me. He went over the life insurance policy he’d gotten from work, and it was very generous. Being a huge social butterfly, he wanted a big funeral, with a fun after party and he wanted to be buried. “Don’t wallow in sadness,” he said.
I smiled and looked lovingly in to his eyes. “Charlie,” I murmured, “Thank you for explaining all of that... I’ll make sure everything happens just as you wish.”
“What about you?” he asked.
“Well, I want you to be looked after too, so I will look into insurance. No big parties or huge fanfare. You know I’m shy... and after thinking of our three beautiful children and the life we’ve had together, I really only want one thing; to be cremated.”
“Really? Why?” he asked - clearly shocked.
“Well,” I said, patting my belly softly, “it’s my last chance for the smoking hot body I’ve always wanted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tyeby/last_night_my_husband_and_i_were_talking_about/
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What do you call a non-binary person at a beauty pageant?

Miss Ellaneous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tydar/what_do_you_call_a_nonbinary_person_at_a_beauty/
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Turn ur head during head

I kept telling my girlfriend not to turn her head away near the end of a blow job...
Did she listen?
Did she fuck!
It went in one ear and out the other !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tyceo/turn_ur_head_during_head/
%
My computer is so old

When I turn it on the malware prompts me to update.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ty1y7/my_computer_is_so_old/
%
What is a musicians favourite weapon?

A glockenspiel.
Ba dum tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ty14e/what_is_a_musicians_favourite_weapon/
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My friend says you should always say no to drugs...

I say if you're talking to drugs, you're already on drugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ty11p/my_friend_says_you_should_always_say_no_to_drugs/
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The marriage of Charles and Diana was doomed from their wedding night....

...that's when Diana discovered that not all rulers are 12" long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9txyuy/the_marriage_of_charles_and_diana_was_doomed_from/
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A man murders both his mother and father.

During his trial the man pleads to the judge and says, "Give me mercy!  Afterall, I'm an orphan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9txqyv/a_man_murders_both_his_mother_and_father/
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What do you call someone who's lazy and horny?

A procrasturbater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9txp6f/what_do_you_call_someone_whos_lazy_and_horny/
%
The only thing my wife sucks

Is the fun out of everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9txlj1/the_only_thing_my_wife_sucks/
%
An old russian joke

Two very well off Russians live on nearby plots, one of them meets the other and acting very concerned tells to the other: your mother in law fell into my alligator enclosure. The other shrugs, and replies: they're your alligators, you go rescue them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9txjqv/an_old_russian_joke/
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What do a married man and a single man have in common?

Each of them thinks the other one bangs all the time:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9txg60/what_do_a_married_man_and_a_single_man_have_in/
%
A man off the boat from China is looking for a job.

A local business man decides to hire him.
He tells the immigrant,
“I will have help out my store with supplies.”
In which he responds in broken English,
“Thank you mista thank you!”
After he shows him around the store, the business goes out for the rest of the day.
The next day he comes in and asks his manager where his new hire is, to which he gets a puzzled look as he had clocked in earlier and hasn’t seen him since.
Since their was only one exit the thought he must be in the back room.
The look and look and can’t find him.
They notice the broom closet door is slightly ajar.
They look in....
And out jumps the Chinaman yelling,
“Supplies!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9txfty/a_man_off_the_boat_from_china_is_looking_for_a_job/
%
Just last week I saw a friend of mine and his wife at the local restaurant. He is 47 and his wife is 19. Other diners were making rude comments about them, giving them dirty looks.

It totally ruined their 7th wedding anniversary dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9txdwz/just_last_week_i_saw_a_friend_of_mine_and_his/
%
Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9txde8/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9txci1/a_very_loud_grossly_overweight_and_very/
%
Why are teenagers today so odd?

Because they can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9txail/why_are_teenagers_today_so_odd/
%
How do you make an Italian person shut up?

Tie their hands together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tx7we/how_do_you_make_an_italian_person_shut_up/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the desert?

You look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tx77b/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_desert/
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A joke that works on both sides of the Atlantic.....

A young man is on his first date with his girl, they park up near a wood and start making out. He nibbles her neck.... gently bites her nipples.... licks erotically down her stomach to the top line of her panties..... “Oh yes”, she screams....”kiss me where it smells!”
So he drives her to Birmingham!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9twy7g/a_joke_that_works_on_both_sides_of_the_atlantic/
%
These no nut November memes

They’re really getting out of hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tws36/these_no_nut_november_memes/
%
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a bookie with dwarfism?

One’s bad. The other is a little better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9twq90/whats_the_difference_between_michael_jackson_and/
%
What does a pulley like the best about its position?

Being the center of a tension.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9twlrv/what_does_a_pulley_like_the_best_about_its/
%
What do you call girls who don't give blowjobs?

You don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9twlcv/what_do_you_call_girls_who_dont_give_blowjobs/
%
What would Newton be called if he ever went into space?

New, since the concept of weight does not exist in space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9twk6b/what_would_newton_be_called_if_he_ever_went_into/
%
If Steve Jobs was still alive and a presidential candidate, he would have won the 2016 Election...

But let's not compare Apples to Oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9twcra/if_steve_jobs_was_still_alive_and_a_presidential/
%
My girlfriend is so paranoid.

She keeps calling the police and saying I'm some random stalker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9twc7v/my_girlfriend_is_so_paranoid/
%
What do you call a zombie at a trump rally?

Starving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9twbn1/what_do_you_call_a_zombie_at_a_trump_rally/
%
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase

He asks, “What are you doing?”
She replies, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.”
Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
“Where are you going?” she asks.
“I’m coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tw9nd/a_man_walks_into_his_bedroom_and_sees_his_wife/
%
A black guy, white guy, asian guy and hand puppet are sitting in a bar...

The black guy says, "You know the thing about dating black girls? They're crazy in bed, but you can never trust them around other guys."
The white guy says, "White girls are cute, but they're always spoiled and high-maintenance."
The asian guy says, "Asian girls are intelligent, but they always talk about marriage and kids."
The hand puppet looks at each of them with a grin and says, "That's the best part about hand puppets, no strings attached."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tw77k/a_black_guy_white_guy_asian_guy_and_hand_puppet/
%
There is a pattern that every clickbait has but

you failed to see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tw4i4/there_is_a_pattern_that_every_clickbait_has_but/
%
Why is it legal to download America?

Because it's royalty free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tw2mg/why_is_it_legal_to_download_america/
%
A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tvzq3/a_mans_fence_is_broken_and_he_neess_to_hire/
%
A lost dog wanders into a jungle.

A nearby leopard observes him cautiously, then says: "Never seen this guy before, but he looks edible.”
Licking her lips, the leopard rushes towards the dog with hunger. The dog notices and starts to panic but just before running he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He exclaims loudly "Mmm... that was some good leopard!"
The leopard stops abruptly and retreats. “Woah! He’s tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can.”
In the canopy, a silent monkey witnesses everything. Believing it can benefit from this, the monkey finds the leopard and informs her of the truth. Furious at being played, the leopard says, "Get on my back, we'll get him together.”
With haste, they start rushing back to the dog. The dog notices them and realized his predicament. He starts to panic even more, but an idea hits him, and he shouts, "Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another leopard over an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tvuuv/a_lost_dog_wanders_into_a_jungle/
%
Dad joke

Wife: I'm pregnant.
Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad.
Wife: No you're not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tvnya/dad_joke/
%
Did you know bad comedians increase the number of abortions?

They always fuck up the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tvke7/did_you_know_bad_comedians_increase_the_number_of/
%
A man goes to the pharmacist and asks for Viagra

"Hey so I would like some Viagra, my wife's waiting at home"
"Alright sir, would you like a plastic bag with that?"
"Come on man, she's not THAT ugly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tvhug/a_man_goes_to_the_pharmacist_and_asks_for_viagra/
%
Two sclerotic grannies are coming back from the cinema.

They encounter a grandson of one of them, who asks:
- "Hi grandma, what movie did you watch at the cinema?"
The old lady tries to remember the word she wants to say, but has trouble due to her bad memory, so she tries to guide the boy with the hints.
- "Umm... It's that thing that sticks from the ground."
- "A pole?"
- "No, no, it's alive."
- "A tree?"
- "No, much smaller."
- "I dunno, a flower?"
- "Yes! It is a flower!"
- "Maybe a daisy?"
- "No, no, the one with thorns."
- "A rose?"
- "Yes! Rose!"
She turns around to her friend:
- "Rose, what movie did we watch at the cinema?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tvhrn/two_sclerotic_grannies_are_coming_back_from_the/
%
The Magical Mirror

A husband and wife bought a mirror from a fortune teller hard up for cash. The fortune teller warned them that the mirror was capable of magically granting wishes, but to make sure to be mindful of the words you chose. If you rhyme and keep it simple, everything should be fine.
They of course didn’t believe her, but chose to by the mirror because they liked how it looked. They took it home and hung it on the bedroom door.
3 days later and after a few drinks, they decided to try it out for fun. The wife goes first, a lady of average sized bust says “Mirror mirror on the door, make my breasts a 44!” The mirror swirled into a rainbow of colors and suddenly the wife sported a 44DD bust from her original C!!!
Shocked, intrigued, and ecstatic, they looked at one another and the husband yells “I’ve got to try this!!” He steps up to the mirror, drops his trousers, superhero poses and exclaims “Mirror Mirror on the door, make my Johnson touch the floor!” The mirror swirled into a rainbow of colors and suddenly....
....his damn legs fell off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tve5v/the_magical_mirror/
%
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tv7rb/an_old_lady_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_shes_chatting/
%
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?

Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tv56l/why_would_a_judge_make_a_good_tooth_fairy/
%
What do astronauts like with their toast?

Space Jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tv0t2/what_do_astronauts_like_with_their_toast/
%
A bus, seated with 30 married women, crashed. None survived.

The husbands of the victims all cried for a week.
But one man cried for two weeks instead — so a friend asked, “did you have two wives in that bus?”
“No, I’m sad because my wife missed that bus ride.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tuzft/a_bus_seated_with_30_married_women_crashed_none/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 41?

41 said "Age is just a number".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tuymt/why_was_6_afraid_of_41/
%
My friend has been telling me he is constipated

I bet he's just full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tus5w/my_friend_has_been_telling_me_he_is_constipated/
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A very Christian woman marries a very Christian man.

Following the words of the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply," they have many children. 16 over the course of 18 years, to be exact.
A few years later, the husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. The lady remarries another man, and they have 17 children over the course of 22 years. The woman's second husband dies of old age.
The woman herself dies a few years later. At her funeral, her sister remarks, "Well, at least they're finally together."
"Who? She and her husbands?" asks the pastor.
"No," says the sister. "Her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tuqir/a_very_christian_woman_marries_a_very_christian/
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I once talked to a chick in the club. I said "you have a nice jeans, i would want to be inside of your jeans." She said "no need for that." I asked "why?"

She: "because there is already an asshole inside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tuoxg/i_once_talked_to_a_chick_in_the_club_i_said_you/
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What would you say if you had breakfast with the Pope?

Eggs, Benedict?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tunbi/what_would_you_say_if_you_had_breakfast_with_the/
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I have a heart of a lion...

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tun8k/i_have_a_heart_of_a_lion/
%
A man goes to a bar and sees a girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tumrc/a_man_goes_to_a_bar_and_sees_a_girl_dancing_on_a/
%
Why are bacteria bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tum3q/why_are_bacteria_bad_at_math/
%
You don't joke about a woman's menstrual cycle.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tuk7p/you_dont_joke_about_a_womans_menstrual_cycle/
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When a child musician dies...

F minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tuht6/when_a_child_musician_dies/
%
It would be funny if trees had tits

Wooden tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tugpf/it_would_be_funny_if_trees_had_tits/
%
What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking, she’s gonna eat me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tugjp/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
%
As the doctor went through Karen's notes he said

"The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your libido."
Karen  inquired, "How come?"
Doc said, "Well ... your husband is very ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tu5qx/as_the_doctor_went_through_karens_notes_he_said/
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Did you know that highschoolers can drink in Mississippi?

I mean you can't stop them after they turn 21.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tu3eb/did_you_know_that_highschoolers_can_drink_in/
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What’s the difference between Halloween and Christmas?

The supermarkets don’t seem to know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tu2zu/whats_the_difference_between_halloween_and/
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A journalist visits a small village

He decides to interview one of the village's elders.
"Sir, I would like to know about the life here. Can you tell me about one of your good days?"
"Of course. One day, my neighbour's wife went missing. We looked for her everywhere for hours, and when we finally found her we were so excited that all of us f*cked her right there"
The journalist was shocked from that kind of a response.
"Oh, well, maybe tell us another story"
"Okay. One day, my neighbour's donkey went missing. We looked for it everywhere for hours, and when we finally found it we were so excited that all of us f*cked the donkey right there"
"You know what, enough with good days, just tell me what are your bad days like."
"One day, I got lost..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tu2y8/a_journalist_visits_a_small_village/
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A woman is on top of a bridge about to commit suicide

A homeless man walks up to her and tells her not to do it.
"Its too late, I've made up my mind" said the scared and shaking woman.
"Well, before you do, can we have sex first?"
Appalled the woman shouted "No!"
"Ok, then I'll just meet ya down at the bottom".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tu1sz/a_woman_is_on_top_of_a_bridge_about_to_commit/
%
Why did Harry Potter suddenly go bald in his teens?

He lost his Hedwig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttyh8/why_did_harry_potter_suddenly_go_bald_in_his_teens/
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My wife didn't speak to me for 3 days last week and I haven't got a clue what I did to cause it.

Which is a shame because I'd like to do it again next week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttu0q/my_wife_didnt_speak_to_me_for_3_days_last_week/
%
Group of beers get in line for a night club.

Doorman goes up to the empty one and says, "Your friends are alright, but you can't come in."
"Why not?" he asks.
"You're drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttry7/group_of_beers_get_in_line_for_a_night_club/
%
I don’t follow English soccer, but if I did, I’d be a supporter of West Ham.

The two things ISIS hates the most.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttpvq/i_dont_follow_english_soccer_but_if_i_did_id_be_a/
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My friend makes paintings of Eminem combined with other famous rappers

He's a mixed Marshall artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttpc5/my_friend_makes_paintings_of_eminem_combined_with/
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I learned in Culinary School today the only way to cut Onions and not cry.....

You have to not become emotionally attached to the Onion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttp38/i_learned_in_culinary_school_today_the_only_way/
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[TIL] that the smallest muscle in a pig

Is a Redneck's dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttp1w/til_that_the_smallest_muscle_in_a_pig/
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I recently purchased a circumcision on the black market.

It was a rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttlnv/i_recently_purchased_a_circumcision_on_the_black/
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Talking clock

Paddy takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him about the brass gong hanging on the wall.
Paddy says ‘It’s my speaking clock’
‘How does it work?’ his mate asks.
‘I’ll show you’ says Paddy, and hits it full pelt with a hammer.
A voice from next door yells ‘For fucks sake you cunt it’s twenty to three in the morning’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttl33/talking_clock/
%
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I
didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttj38/a_baptist_preacher_sits_next_to_a_cowboy_on_a/
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Smurfette has her first period

Disclaimer: I don't know all of the Smurfs' names in English, please excuse any inaccuracies. Also on mobile, hope the formatting turns out ok.
Smurfette was doing her thing one day, when her body decided she was a woman now and her first period came along. Not knowing what the hell was happening and with no other ladies to talk to for advice, she naturally became a bit concerned and decided to consult with her fellow Smurfs about the issue. Her first choice was Strong Smurf, who she pulls aside for a private chat.
- "Strong Smurf, Strong Smurf, you've got to help me, I'm bleeding and it won't stop and I don't know what to do!"
- "Ok ok Smurfette, calm down. You're still walking around and conscious so it can't be that bad. Let me take a look and we'll get it sorted."
So Smurfette discreetly pulls up her dress and shows Strong Smurf what's going on. Strong Smurf's jaw hits the floor, his eyes widen and he stammers out in shock:
"Holy crap Smurfette, that looks really bad! Oh man, I am NOT the right Smurf to handle this, Jesus H. Christ run to Smarty Smurf, he's the smartest of us all, surely he'll know what you need to do! Run, run, go!"
Smurfette, now in a full panic, races to Smarty Smurf's place and bursts through the door. Bawling her eyes out, she manages to gather her wits enough to be able to communicate.
- "Smarty Smurf, Smarty Smurf, help me! Help me pleeeease! I'm bleedinganditwon'tstopandStrongSmurfsaysit'sseriousandIdon'tknowwhattodoooooohoohooooo!!"
- "Smurfette, Smurfette, calm down, it's ok! You're here with me now, there's nothing in the world that I don't know, we'll get to the bottom of this! You'll be right as rain in no time, trust me. Besides, you're still walking around and conscious so it can't be that bad! Show me the wound, and I'll fix it all up right away."
So Smurfette pulls up her dress again and gives Smarty Smurf a good look. Smarty Smurf's breath catches in his throat as he examines the area, he starts shaking as his powerful mind tries to process the grisly sight.
"Oh my fucking god Smurfette, never in all my years have I ever seen or heard of something like this! I'm so sorry I have absolutely no idea what the problem could be, I can't help you. Run, run to Papa Smurf, he's the wisest and most experienced Smurf in the village, I'm sure he'll know what is wrong and what you need to do!"
Smurfette is now convinced she's at death's door, that she's going to bleed out and pass away to Smurf heaven. Distraught, she hammers on Papa Smurf's door and falls into his arms when he opens it for her.
- "PAPA SMUUUURFFF," she wails, convinced that this is the end, "help me, help me, you've got to help me! I'm bleeding and it won't stop! I went to Strong Smurf and Smarty Smurf but neither of them could help! I'm so scared, am I going to die? Help me please, you're my last and only hope!"
- "Now now, Smurfette, it's ok, it's ok! Strong Smurf and Smarty Smurf don't have my experience in this world, I'm certain I can fix whatever's wrong. Calm down, and show me where it's bleeding so I can figure it all out and heal you up right away!"
Smurfette pulls up her dress again. Sobbing, shaking with fear, barely able to stay standing, she awaits the final verdict.
Papa Smurf takes one look and screams: "HOLY FUCK GOD ALMIGHTY SMURFETTE SOME MOTHERFUCKER RIPPED YOUR COCK OUT BY THE ROOT!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttfpq/smurfette_has_her_first_period/
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TIL Bruce Lee had a vegan cousin

Brocco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttdyz/til_bruce_lee_had_a_vegan_cousin/
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Another programmer joke

A programmer went to a grocery store. His wife said "while you are out go get some milk"
He never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttbo7/another_programmer_joke/
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Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His Mom replies, 'Ok, tell me what you think?'
He says, 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttbhc/fred_and_mary_got_married_but_cant_afford_a/
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A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...

submitted 3 years ago by wtfmynamegotdeleted
...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it." This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say "well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs." The husband say "don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed."
Joke my 95 year old grandpa told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ttash/a_wife_asks_her_husband_if_she_were_to_die_would/
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What did the math teacher say when you got a 99 on a test?

Hmm, that's odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tta4z/what_did_the_math_teacher_say_when_you_got_a_99/
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A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl that means no sex before marriage.......

But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission.
"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand"
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tt71p/a_guy_falls_in_love_with_a_very_traditional_and/
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What brand of underwear does the sun wear?

Kelvin Klein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tt5hj/what_brand_of_underwear_does_the_sun_wear/
%
A woman arrived at a party & while scanning the guests she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen." "What's your name?" she asked.
He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tt301/a_woman_arrived_at_a_party_while_scanning_the/
%
One of my 9th graders told me this joke. A guy was being investigated by the IRS...

A guy was being investigated by the IRS. After dodging the agent for weeks, his family convinced him to go get a lawyer and go talk to the irs agent.
The guy goes to see the lawyer and they ride together to the IRS office to see what the problem is.
The IRS agent meets the guy and tells him he has dozens of huge lumps of income with no taxes paid and no explanation. These were deposits of 1000, 5000, even 75000 dollars.
The guy listened and offered an explanation. “I make bets with people, and I tend to win”
The IRS agent found this very hard to believe. “You expect me to believe that?  Someone make a 75 grand bet and paid it?”
The guy offered an example. “I’ll bet you a thousand bucks right now that I can bite my own eye”
The IRS agent thought to him self and accepted the bet. Thinking it was impossible.
So the guy took out his glass eye, bit it, and put it back in his head.
The IRS was shocked
The guy offered another bet. “You don’t know me and that was unfair. I’ll bet you 5 grand I can bite my other eye”
The IRS agent thought that would surely be impossible. He saw the man drive to his office with the lawyer. And he was the one driving. So he accepts the bet.
The guy then takes out his false teeth, bites his other eye and puts them back in his mouth.
The IRS agent was shocked.
The guy offered him a way to break even.
“I’ll bet you 6 thousand dollars I can pee into that coffee cup on your desk from across the room without getting a drop on the floor”
Thinking it’s impossible and wanting his money back he accepts again.
So the man stands against the far wall, gets ready to pee, and just end up peeing all over the agent’s carpet and chairs and walls. Only a drop landed in the cup.
The IRS agent was ecstatic. Jumping up and down, cheering, and just excited he didn’t owe this guy 6 grand anymore. Then he spots the lawyer in the corner. “Why do you look so upset? Your clients free to go. No more investigation.”
The lawyer gets up and says, “He bet me 200 thousand dollars on the way here that he’d pee all over your office and you’d love it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tsx7o/one_of_my_9th_graders_told_me_this_joke_a_guy_was/
%
A guy keeps throwing milk and yogurt at my house.

How dairy!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tswcr/a_guy_keeps_throwing_milk_and_yogurt_at_my_house/
%
When I was young, at bedtimes...

My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the
benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tsszd/when_i_was_young_at_bedtimes/
%
A cheese factory exploded earlier

Witnesses say de brie was everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tso2v/a_cheese_factory_exploded_earlier/
%
United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential  tweets written about them.
Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.
Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tsg6j/united_states_a_reporter_that_criticizes_the/
%
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.......

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tsfqf/a_teacher_trying_to_teach_good_manners_asked_her/
%
Church bake sale

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. Oh dear, she said, theres no time bake another cake.
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of new friends.
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom: a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30 and to buy this cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold! Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mother.
Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think of her? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed.
That night Alice was lying awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time there.
She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a real snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because Alice was a single parent and not from one of the founding families of Tuscaloosa.
Having already RSVPed, she could not think of a believable excuse to stay away.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust Old South . . . .
To Alices horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw it being brought in. She started out of her chair to rush to the hostess and tell her all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayors wife said, What a beautiful cake!
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, Thank you, I baked it myself.
Alice smiled and thought to herself, God is good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tsfow/church_bake_sale/
%
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tsf2h/the_guy_sat_next_to_me_on_the_train_pulled_out_a/
%
If you think Emma Stone is something, look up her sister Rosetta.

Smoking hot, and a linguistic genius. Speaks 24 languages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tsejy/if_you_think_emma_stone_is_something_look_up_her/
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Tax inspector: You should pay your tax with a smile.

Tax Payer: I have tried several times, but every time they insist on cash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tsdkk/tax_inspector_you_should_pay_your_tax_with_a_smile/
%
There is one villain Iron Man could never be mad at.

He finds Magneto just too darn attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ts5v0/there_is_one_villain_iron_man_could_never_be_mad/
%
A man takes his computer to a repair shop, claiming that the CD drive wasn't working...

The technician asks him, "When did it break?"
"Sometime between this morning and four years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ts2aw/a_man_takes_his_computer_to_a_repair_shop/
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Two prisoners on death row

On the day of their execution, the warden visits the cell of the 2 inmates to be sentenced to death.
The warden asks the first prisoner, "Any requests?"
The first prisoner says, "I'd like to listen to Despacito one last time"
The warden being the considerate chap that he was, concurs and turns to the second prisoner asking, "What about you? Any final requests?"
The second prisoner replies, "Kill me first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ts0dp/two_prisoners_on_death_row/
%
Sometimes I just drink milk straight from the container

It tastes better and the cow seems to enjoy it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9try1z/sometimes_i_just_drink_milk_straight_from_the/
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What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

Its fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9trxoi/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
%
A woman was driving when a traffic camera flashed

She thought her picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though she knew she was not speeding. Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
She thought this was funny, so she slowed down even further as she drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.
She tried a fourth time with the same result.
The fifth time she was laughing when the camera flashed as she rolled past at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later, she got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9trwsn/a_woman_was_driving_when_a_traffic_camera_flashed/
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What’s Forrest Gump’s Wi-Fi password?

1Forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9trw5r/whats_forrest_gumps_wifi_password/
%
What is E.T. short for?

Cause he has little legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9trv5y/what_is_et_short_for/
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I went to a store with a lot of clothing intended for skinny people.

They had some XS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9trkdo/i_went_to_a_store_with_a_lot_of_clothing_intended/
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Paradise

A little boy asked his Dad: What’s between mom’s legs? The father answers: Paradise, my son. The kid asks again: What’s between your legs? The father replies: The key to the paradise. The son says: Piece of advice Dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a duplicate key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9trihh/paradise/
%
Why is Thor more famous than his brother?

Because his brother is low-key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9trgl6/why_is_thor_more_famous_than_his_brother/
%
Miner

Cop: Whose car is this?  What do you do?
Where are you headed?
Miner: Mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9trg5x/miner/
%
Gotta change that name...

A man walks into a talent agency with the hopes of being a big star. He performs an audition and the agent is just floored.
"You're the best I've seen! You're going to be in TV, movies, radio, everything! Oh but what was your name again?"
The man replies proudly "My name is Penis Von Lesbian."
The agent is shocked, he says "okay buddy, you can make it in this industry, but you gotta change that name, you'll be a laughing stock."
Penis replies "sorry I can't do that. I come from a proud family of Von Lesbians." And then he walks out the door.
Years later the talent agent is walking down the street when he sees ol' Penis coming towards him. He stops and says "Hey buddy, how's things going?"
He replies "Couldn't be better! I'm a big star now, I'm in TV and movies and all over the place, but you were right, I did have to change my name."
Curious, the agent asks "oh? What'd ya change it too"
"Dick Van Dyke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9trd12/gotta_change_that_name/
%
Three American men are lost in the desert...

...After many hours without food or water, they are relieved to find a large tent filled with amazing food, clean water, and lots of beautiful women.
They partake of the food, water, and women without hesitation, and soon return to a healthier condition.
A while later, the tent owner comes back from his travels, angry at the sight of his food eaten, his water drank, and women fucked. He addresses the trio in front of him.
“Normally, I’d kill the three of you on the spot for stealing from me! But, I see you are travelers, so perhaps you were not aware of the laws of this land, so I have elected not to execute you. You aren’t free to go, however, as you must atone for your sins. I have decided to give you a severe punishment based off your occupation instead.”
The tent owner walks up to the first man and asks what he does for a living.
“I’m a fireman.” He says, so the tent owner and his crew burn his penis off.
The tent owner walks up to the second man and asks what he does for a living.
“I’m a lumberjack.” He says, so the tent owner and his crew chop his penis off.
The tent owner walks up to the third man, but before he could ask what he does for a living, he began to laugh.
“What’s so funny traveller? What do you do for a living?”
Face red, the third traveller caught his breath.
“I’m a lollipop salesman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9trbdn/three_american_men_are_lost_in_the_desert/
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'No Nut November' was going pretty good for me until

someone played 'Beat it' by Michael Jackson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tr4mb/no_nut_november_was_going_pretty_good_for_me_until/
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Why was Lara Croft sad?

Because her career was in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tr3e9/why_was_lara_croft_sad/
%
Unemployed people always want to fight

Go punch a clock and knockout 8 hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tr1j8/unemployed_people_always_want_to_fight/
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A young man with a masturbation addiction marries a Catholic young woman.

Because of his wife’s beliefs, he has to hide his constant masturbation from her. He does it pretty well.
On their anniversary, she puts a blindfold on him and tells him not to peek at his surprise. She guides him to sit at their dinner table and is about to remove the blindfold when suddenly, the phone rings in the other room. She leaves him to grab the phone.
The young man knew that they would likely go out after this surprise, meaning this would be his only chance to masturbate without her catching. So naturally, he undoes his pants and goes to town. He finishes silently just as his wife enters the room.
“Are you ready for the surprise?” She asks. He nods, and she removed the blindfold to reveal the surprise; 12 guests seated around the table for their anniversary dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tqz42/a_young_man_with_a_masturbation_addiction_marries/
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A woman was forced to give up her twins at birth

One of the boys goes to a family in Mexico and is named Juan. The other boy goes to a family in Africa, and is named Jamal.
Years later after the boys are grown her and her husband end up getting in contact with them. The couple is ecstatic! After a few letters have been exchanged the woman asks the boys to send pictures of themselves.
Jaun's picture arrived in just a few days, while Jamal's never shows up. The woman, wanting desperately to see her boys face, expresses how upset she is to her husband. Her husband responds, "don't worry dear, they're twins. If you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tqwy0/a_woman_was_forced_to_give_up_her_twins_at_birth/
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Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tqtf4/does_anyone_else_realize_that_baseball_is/
%
Priest and a nun

A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest "Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tqsnk/priest_and_a_nun/
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It always makes me smile when people suggest switching to the metric system.

Or should it rather make me skilometer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tqrwe/it_always_makes_me_smile_when_people_suggest/
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Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana"
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tqqh1/big_people_words/
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I miss those hot summer nights when you can open all the windows and fall asleep naked.

My cab drivers keep reporting me to the cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tqnxh/i_miss_those_hot_summer_nights_when_you_can_open/
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Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tqlef/why_do_social_justice_warriors_hate_dentists/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tqgbn/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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What question does a philosophy major ask most often?

Do you want fries with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tqg81/what_question_does_a_philosophy_major_ask_most/
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A lady goes to the doctor...

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tqezs/a_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
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A sad life

A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his bestfriend is a pussy and his owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tqdsw/a_sad_life/
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There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!

The other goes What Cactussssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tq9r8/theres_two_balloons_in_the_desert_one_says_look/
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tq9pf/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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A reporter goes up to a man to ask him some questions...

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tq8cv/a_reporter_goes_up_to_a_man_to_ask_him_some/
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I invented a new word today.

It’s called plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tq81n/i_invented_a_new_word_today/
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What happened when scooby doo crossed the road?

It’s a mystery
As far as I am aware I made this joke up when I was 7. Never seen it anywhere so thought I’d share it. It’s shit I know but fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tq68l/what_happened_when_scooby_doo_crossed_the_road/
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What do you call God when he has low self-esteem?

Atheist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tq5xj/what_do_you_call_god_when_he_has_low_selfesteem/
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What Is The Longest Word In English Language

Smiles.
There is a mile between the 2 S s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tq21e/what_is_the_longest_word_in_english_language/
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I was at a job interview,

And the interviewer said "How do you recharge and the end of a long week?"
Apparently high voltage nipple clamps wasn't the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tq1zt/i_was_at_a_job_interview/
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I hate when people misuse abbreviations

smh my head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tq1rw/i_hate_when_people_misuse_abbreviations/
%
What Is The Fastest Thing In The World.

Milk. It is pasteurized before you buy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tq1ks/what_is_the_fastest_thing_in_the_world/
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What Would You Get By Crossing An Elephant and A Kangaroo.

Big holes all over Australia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tq0wk/what_would_you_get_by_crossing_an_elephant_and_a/
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A cop saw me hit my boyfriend with a box of popcorn

I got charged with Assault and Buttery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tq009/a_cop_saw_me_hit_my_boyfriend_with_a_box_of/
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I like my women how I like my coffee

Cold, bitter, a drain on my income, and able to be smelled from across the office.
Oh and with several dicks inside them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tpyo0/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Did you know the titanic‘s pools are still full?

Let that *sink* in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tpwyz/did_you_know_the_titanics_pools_are_still_full/
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A weasel walks into a bar

The bartender says "Wow, that's a first! I've never served a weasel before.. What'll ya drink?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tptts/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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You wanna know the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?

“Let’s see how far I can kick this bucket.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tprov/you_wanna_know_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said/
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own?

Because it was two tyred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tpqtj/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
%
A Mexican magician claimed he could disappear.

He counted down uno, dos, poof! He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tpqdf/a_mexican_magician_claimed_he_could_disappear/
%
How do you catch a rabbit ?

You hide behind a bush and make carrot sounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tpnm3/how_do_you_catch_a_rabbit/
%
I got gas yesterday for £1.29

To bad it was from tacobell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tpiig/i_got_gas_yesterday_for_129/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar.

He goes to the counter, slides ten bucks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender takes his money and thinks, "He's a gorilla, what does he know about prices?" He hands the gorilla his beer, slides him back fifteen cents, and says, "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here these days."
The gorilla sips his beer and says, "Yeah, and at nine-eighty-five a drink, I ain't coming back either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tpfme/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why couldn't the ghost couple get pregnant?

Because Mr. Ghost had a hollow-weenie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tperz/why_couldnt_the_ghost_couple_get_pregnant/
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"There were a load of vowels chasing me home. I checked behind me and they were catching up on me, and they looked really angry, like they wanted to hurt me. I didn't know what to do, dad," said my son.

I said, "OK...Summarize..."
He said, "Yeah, but not many."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tpcaz/there_were_a_load_of_vowels_chasing_me_home_i/
%
Why don’t Southern girls like orgies?

Because of all the thank you notes they’d have to write...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tpal0/why_dont_southern_girls_like_orgies/
%
What do you call a colour that doesn't exist?

A pigment of your imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tpa71/what_do_you_call_a_colour_that_doesnt_exist/
%
Do you know what's ironic?

My great grandmother, born in July, was a Cancer. And unfortunely she actually died because of a giant crab crushed her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tp7et/do_you_know_whats_ironic/
%
It’s No Nut November

I was hoping to break my record of 2 weeks. I just can’t beat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tp2lo/its_no_nut_november/
%
What did the kinky lawnmower say to get turned on?

Choke me daddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9toy60/what_did_the_kinky_lawnmower_say_to_get_turned_on/
%
They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they’re lovely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tovu5/they_told_me_id_never_be_good_at_poetry_because/
%
What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?

There's one less drunk at the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9totfv/what_is_the_difference_between_an_australian/
%
I will always remember my grandpa's last words.

Drop the katana and fight me like a man you little piece of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ton8r/i_will_always_remember_my_grandpas_last_words/
%
Im a homophobe, and my best friend came out to me this week...

And I'm afraid I'll be giving him the shaft no matter how I choose to handle it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tom0t/im_a_homophobe_and_my_best_friend_came_out_to_me/
%
What do you call the combination of Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company?

3Musketeers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tokbh/what_do_you_call_the_combination_of_tesla_spacex/
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Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I am 72% Jesus

Btw I’m also 100% in jail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tojcl/jesus_can_walk_on_water_babies_are_72_water_i_can/
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I've got a lot of puns about people with crooked teeth

You'd better brace yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9toiks/ive_got_a_lot_of_puns_about_people_with_crooked/
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In my last relationship I hated being treated like a piece of meat..

She was a vegan and refused to trust me...
Credit to Daniel Audritt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tob9l/in_my_last_relationship_i_hated_being_treated/
%
The Quran is like weed

Burning it will get you stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9to8di/the_quran_is_like_weed/
%
A little girl goes into a pet shop and says 'One wabbit pwease'

"Aww" says the shopkeeper "would you like the little brown bunny, the fuzzy white bunny, or this cute spotted fella here?"
"I don't fink my pwython gives a fuck" the girl replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9to77b/a_little_girl_goes_into_a_pet_shop_and_says_one/
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My first joke ever...

So I know I shouldn't even be admitting to this and I'm not sure this is the right sub for this but I want to share the first joke I ever thought of, all the way back in elementary school.
To set this up, it was based on a joke I had heard from my dad: "Two tomatoes were crossing a road, when one got hit by a car. The other one yelled: "C'mon, catch up!"" And when I was ten, I didn't quite understand what exactly made the joke funny and when I created my own joke I only based it on the structure of that joke. The cruelest part of this all is that my dad didn't have the heart to tell me it's a bad joke before I entered in to our schools comedy competition...
So, here it is: Two cows were crossing the road, when one got hit by a car. The other one yelled: "C'mon steak!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9to3a9/my_first_joke_ever/
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What’s the difference between a futon and a crouton?

One’s a little sofa bed, the other a little floater bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tnyxf/whats_the_difference_between_a_futon_and_a_crouton/
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What do you call someone who takes jokes seriously?

r/woooosh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tnuup/what_do_you_call_someone_who_takes_jokes_seriously/
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I decided on riding my unicycle to work from now on

Because whenever I rode my bike I was always two tired when I got to work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tntzp/i_decided_on_riding_my_unicycle_to_work_from_now/
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If you think other jokes on this sub have blown up big....

wait until you sea mine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tntfy/if_you_think_other_jokes_on_this_sub_have_blown/
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What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist bill?

You get repossessed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tnpei/what_happens_when_you_dont_pay_your_exorcist_bill/
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Create new password: Tomato

Confirm new password: Tomato
Passwords don't match.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tnoo5/create_new_password_tomato/
%
Just want to show my appreciation to all the staff working in the Intensive Care Units by saying

I See You

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tnni9/just_want_to_show_my_appreciation_to_all_the/
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I will always remember my grandpa's last famous words

"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tnmsz/i_will_always_remember_my_grandpas_last_famous/
%
Why do they call it the Dark Ages?

Because of all the Knights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tnele/why_do_they_call_it_the_dark_ages/
%
The man, the donkey, and the dog.

A man is walking alongside a donkey and a dog on a very hot day. Feeling the sun beating down on him, he looks up at the sky and says, "It sure is hot today, never seen a day this hot in my life". The donkey says, "I'm with you man, I feel like I'm going to melt". The man, surprised and terrified that the donkey just spoke takes the dog and starts running as fast to get as far away from the donkey as possible. He stops from exhaustion and says, "The heat must be driving me insane, I've never heard a donkey talk in my life!", the dog says, "Me neither".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tndp3/the_man_the_donkey_and_the_dog/
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My computer has this disgusting virus that has completed slowed everything down.

It's called "Internet Explorer".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tnaty/my_computer_has_this_disgusting_virus_that_has/
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I like my coffee like I like my reddit jokes.

Not through a filter so the same shit keeps floating to the top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tmsvy/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_reddit_jokes/
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I have this wierd irrational fear of two letter words.

I get extremely scared just thinking about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tmsjx/i_have_this_wierd_irrational_fear_of_two_letter/
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What did one bone say to another bone?

Let’s meet up and share a joint.
Credit: my dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tmpa0/what_did_one_bone_say_to_another_bone/
%
Whats the geometric equivalent to a grammar Nazi?

A circle jerk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tmow4/whats_the_geometric_equivalent_to_a_grammar_nazi/
%
What's the difference between a mechanic and a priest?

The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tmjo3/whats_the_difference_between_a_mechanic_and_a/
%
I'd like to move to the fifth most populated city in France.

I've heard it's nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tmf1g/id_like_to_move_to_the_fifth_most_populated_city/
%
Kenny brought his pet cat to school on tuesday.

The teacher confused replied, "Why do you have your pet today? You know well that Monday is show and tell."
Kenny replied, "I meant to save his life. I heard my dad say 'Once kenny leaves for school, I'm goin to eat that fuckin pussy,' to my mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tm75u/kenny_brought_his_pet_cat_to_school_on_tuesday/
%
What do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger gets his vasectomy reversed?

Scrotal re-ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tm5hm/what_do_you_call_it_when_arnold_schwarzenegger/
%
Did you hear the one about the Jew?

Israeli funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tm4vt/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_jew/
%
What was the one legged man doing at the ATM?

Checking his balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tm4jf/what_was_the_one_legged_man_doing_at_the_atm/
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An old man sitting at a bar is lamenting about his life to another patron.

He says, “That old church down the road? It was almost completely engulfed in flames, but I ran in and saved the choir! But do they call me Harold The Savior?”
He continues: “When Mr. Jacob’s horse was giving birth to a young filly and had complications, I saved ‘em both! But do they call me Harold The Miracle Worker?”
He goes on: “When the Johnson and McDougals were at each others’ throats over a piece of farm land, I sat ‘em all down and helped them find an amicable deal. But do they call me Harold The Unifier?”
He concludes: “But geez! Ya fuck *one goat*...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tm1gz/an_old_man_sitting_at_a_bar_is_lamenting_about/
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A Black Hole Conundrum

I understand that people are attracted to black holes, but I don't know how they see anything in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tlzfz/a_black_hole_conundrum/
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Met my daughters teacher tonight. It was heartbreaking. She was working at her second job. Teachers are the most underpaid, under appreciated, yet most valuable people in the world.

So I gave her $50 for the lap dance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tlxcz/met_my_daughters_teacher_tonight_it_was/
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A glutton, an adulterer, and a stoner are approaching the gates to heaven...

As the sinners stand at the gates, St. Peter addresses them each in turn.
To the glutton he says, "The excess food that you ate could have fed thousands of the poor and starving. You must endure 1,000 years of your sin, only then may you enter the kingdom of God." And so, the glutton found himself surrounded by food of all kinds.
To the adulterer Peter says, "You have violated the sanctity of your marriage and have ripped apart many families. You must endure 1,000 years of your sin, only then may you enter the kingdom of God." And so, the adulterer found himself surrounded by all sorts of hedonistic fetishes.
To the stoner Peter says, "You have wasted your time, without marijuana you would have benn first to discover a cure for cancer. You must endure 1,000 years of your sin, only then may you enter the kingdom of God." And so, the stoner found himself surrounded by tons of bud.
After 1,000 years the sinners find themselves once more standing before Saint Peter who, one by one, asks them what they have learned.
The glutton says, "I can't take eating anymore! I thought I was going to explode! I will never overeat again." And so, Peter opens the gates and ushers him into heaven.
The adulterer says, "They did so many things to me. My hedonism has left me empty and broken. I will never succumb to my lust again. And so, Peter opens the gates and ushers him into heaven.
And lastly Peter turns to the stoner who says, "You never gave me a lighter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tlvws/a_glutton_an_adulterer_and_a_stoner_are/
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If you can't become a citizen of Scandinavia through the naturalization process, what could you do?

You use artificial Sweden-er!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tlubv/if_you_cant_become_a_citizen_of_scandinavia/
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An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited.

He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it.
The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye.
Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tlpw3/an_old_man_is_met_by_his_attorney_and_is_told_he/
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There is an overweight guy who is watching TV

A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tllpx/there_is_an_overweight_guy_who_is_watching_tv/
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A young backpacker walks into a bar

He orders a beer and sits next to an old Irish
man.
"You like this bar?" The old man asked.  "I built it all by myself, and do they call me Gregor the bar builder? No"
"You see that stone wall across the street? I built that by hand. Brought all of those stones down from the mountain I did, and do they call me Gregor the wall builder? No!"
"You see that wharf over there? I cut all of those planks by hand and made it by myself, and do they call me Gregor the wharf builder? Of course not!"
"But you fuck a goat one time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tll58/a_young_backpacker_walks_into_a_bar/
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Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Because your mom loves Easter - it's an anagram.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem, Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tljje/son_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
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Two nuns are doing their grocery shopping.

As they pass the cooler full of beer, one nun says longingly to the other one, "A cold beer would go down great tonight!" "Indeed," the other nun replies, "but how can we show up with beer at the check-out counter?" "Don't worry, I have a plan," the other nun answers. "Grab a six-pack." The cashier is surprised when he sees the beer, but the one nun is ready with an explanation. "We use the beer to wash our hair" she says. "At the convent, we call it 'Catholic shampoo.'"  The cashier, knowing this was a lie, bends down, grabs a package of pretzels, and throws it in one of the nuns' groceries bags,  and says with a smirk "The curlers are on the house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tljam/two_nuns_are_doing_their_grocery_shopping/
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Why are atoms Catholic?

Because they have mass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tlgzu/why_are_atoms_catholic/
%
If lightning always follows the path of least resistance

Why doesn't it only strike in France?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tldl0/if_lightning_always_follows_the_path_of_least/
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We'll call it "The cognitive and behavioral fun time vacation for people with ADHD"

'Cause apparently "concentration camp" isn't politically correct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tlauy/well_call_it_the_cognitive_and_behavioral_fun/
%
Why are dyslexics bad at telling jokes ?

Because they always punch up the fuck line!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tl97n/why_are_dyslexics_bad_at_telling_jokes/
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What do you call a soldier who survived pepper spray and then a mustard bomb attack?

A seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tl5zz/what_do_you_call_a_soldier_who_survived_pepper/
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Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.

He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading.
"Why are you reading? How old are you?"
"I'm 19 officer."
"And her?"
"Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tl5rq/cop_pulls_up_next_to_two_teens_in_a_dark_parking/
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What did Hitler call his broom?

Mein Sweeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tl5m2/what_did_hitler_call_his_broom/
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Sex with the boss

A boss said to his secretary, ”I want to have sex with you and i will make it very fast”. ”I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it up, i’ll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend the said to her, ”do it, but ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast and he wouldn’t even have enough time to undress himself. ”so she agrees.
Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call the girlfriend, he asks, ”what happend?”
She responds, ”the bastard used coins, i’m still picking and he is sting fucking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tl4yd/sex_with_the_boss/
%
The wind turbine society

We're not a fan club!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tl1w7/the_wind_turbine_society/
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Snarky religious joke (long)

It was show-and-tell day at kindergarten. The teacher asked each child to bring a symbol of his or her religion.
First up was little Mary. She said "I'm a Catholic, and this is my rosary."
Next up was little Jacob. He said "I'm Jewish, and this is my yarmulke."
Little Muhammed said, "I'm Muslim and this is my prayer rug."
Last came little Bobby Joe. He said "Ah'm a Babdist, and did here's mah casserole dish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tkuj4/snarky_religious_joke_long/
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What time does the wicked witch have her clocks set to?

Greenwich mean time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tks6r/what_time_does_the_wicked_witch_have_her_clocks/
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TIFU by ordering a 6-inch sandwich instead of a footlong.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tkr7l/tifu_by_ordering_a_6inch_sandwich_instead_of_a/
%
Today my son asked me "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name's Brian?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tkn72/today_my_son_asked_me_can_i_have_a_book_mark_and/
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What do you get when you cross a road with an old lady?

A Boy Scouts badge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tkn1x/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_road_with_an_old/
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A drunk stumbles into a library and says: "I'll take a double gin and tonic!"

The librarian leans forward with a severe whisper: "You are in a library!"
The drunk, all manners and apologetic leans over the counter and whispers slow: "I'll take a double gin and tonic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tkmhc/a_drunk_stumbles_into_a_library_and_says_ill_take/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tklko/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
I once threw a tomahawk at my dad's car

, leaving a nasty blemish in the passenger door.
My dad was OK with it, though, afterall... it was only an axe dent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tkg9g/i_once_threw_a_tomahawk_at_my_dads_car/
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You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tkg77/you_can_improve_the_average_intelligence_of/
%
Sex before marriage is considered a sin

And after marriage a miracle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tkfmc/sex_before_marriage_is_considered_a_sin/
%
As a guitarist, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tkdm7/as_a_guitarist_i_play_many_gigs/
%
I tried killing a spider with hairspray.

It may still be alive, but it's hair sure does look amazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tkbbj/i_tried_killing_a_spider_with_hairspray/
%
A hunter comes home with a deer he has just killed.

He says to his wife: "Prepare this for dinner, but don't tell the kids what we're having."
At the dinner table, the kids ask: "Mommy, what are we having?"
The hunter replies: "Oh, it's what your mother calls me sometimes."
The older sibling immediately stands up and exclaims:
"Don't eat it! It's an asshole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tk8cz/a_hunter_comes_home_with_a_deer_he_has_just_killed/
%
Why did god give women yeast infections?

He wanted them to know what it was like to live with an irritated cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tk7xr/why_did_god_give_women_yeast_infections/
%
What did the dick say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm going in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tk432/what_did_the_dick_say_to_the_condom/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun only has one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tk2pf/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
%
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests

. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.
But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.
Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.
Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.
But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.
Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."
Curious, Attila did as he asked.
Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.
"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.
Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.
To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,
"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tk2n6/the_story_goes_that_attila_used_to_collect_exotic/
%
I like my coffee the same way I like the slaves,...

free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tk159/i_like_my_coffee_the_same_way_i_like_the_slaves/
%
3 men in a boat fishing

They have 4 cigarettes and no lighter or matches. How do they light cigarettes.
Throw 1 cigarette over board and they are a cigarette  lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tk14g/3_men_in_a_boat_fishing/
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Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip

That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple." The Islamic imam says, "my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot." The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tjw25/four_religious_men_of_the_cloth_go_on_a_fishing/
%
If an elephant and a piecost had a fight which one would win.

What's a piecost.
$3.50

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tjvd0/if_an_elephant_and_a_piecost_had_a_fight_which/
%
When I die, I want 6 Oakland Raiders to be my pallbearers.

So they can let me down one last time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tju9f/when_i_die_i_want_6_oakland_raiders_to_be_my/
%
My kid asked if there was a word for when someone kills themselves.

Sometimes I guess "suicide" *is* the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tjtxn/my_kid_asked_if_there_was_a_word_for_when_someone/
%
I was excited to get a job as a hotel receptionist

Then I started getting reservations!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tjtrn/i_was_excited_to_get_a_job_as_a_hotel_receptionist/
%
Your mom so dumb...

She threw a rock at the ground and missed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tjtai/your_mom_so_dumb/
%
I got a job as a blacksmith and was asked if I could shoe a horse..

I said no, but I have told a donkey to fuck off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tjsm5/i_got_a_job_as_a_blacksmith_and_was_asked_if_i/
%
What's grey and comes in pints?

An elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tjoa0/whats_grey_and_comes_in_pints/
%
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.

Inside of a dog, it would be too hard to read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tjo0g/outside_of_a_dog_a_book_is_mans_best_friend/
%
When I was a child, my dad used to play frisbee with me every day.

He always said, “This sucks. I wish you were a flatter kid.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tjinr/when_i_was_a_child_my_dad_used_to_play_frisbee/
%
What do you call the element of suprise?

The Spanish Inquisition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tjgj0/what_do_you_call_the_element_of_suprise/
%
When I was a boy, my father told me never to ask a lady her age.

But the judge didn't see it that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tjcm0/when_i_was_a_boy_my_father_told_me_never_to_ask_a/
%
My Jewish girlfriend wasn't too enthusiastic about anal ..

Until I showed her how much we can save on condoms ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tjbhn/my_jewish_girlfriend_wasnt_too_enthusiastic_about/
%
So my friend got a fortune cookie.

He opened the cookie, got the fortune out, and read “Finish What You Start”...
#NoNutNovember Just Got A Lot Harder For Him
(This is my first time posting)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tj3z6/so_my_friend_got_a_fortune_cookie/
%
What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tj2m3/what_do_you_do_with_365_used_condoms/
%
How do you know someone is a vegan?

Don’t worry they will tell you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tj0jf/how_do_you_know_someone_is_a_vegan/
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The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tiyte/the_shredder/
%
John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.
“So, I saw your father yesterday.”
This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John would have happened to cross paths.
“You did?” I asked. “Did you see him… at work?”
“Yes, I did,” John said, haughtily. “And I told him all the embarrassing things that you do in class.”
What an odd way to phrase that, I thought. “Uh huh,” I said. “That’s odd, because he didn’t mention anything last night when he got home.”
“Well, maybe that’s because he was so shocked by what I told him,” John said, doubling down.
“Tell me, John,” I said, slowly. “Did you just run into him at work, or were you a patient?”
John, obviously not expecting this question, answered. “I was a patient.”
I nodded. “That’s interesting, John.”
“Why?”
“Because my father is a gynecologist.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tixm9/john_the_second_least_popular_kid_in_our_class/
%
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter and when she asked me why Luke climbed inside the Tauntaun, I replied that it was to keep warm. With a puzzled frown, she questioned how warm was it inside...

Knowingly, I told her, "Lukewarm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tixbb/i_was_watching_star_wars_with_my_daughter_and/
%
I was out walking in the forest one day

Suddenly, i hear the crunch of a branch being snapped.
I turn a round, and, omg, facing a bear!
I start running, but i dont get far until its on me! It slaps me to the ground, growling!
I pray that this isn't the end when... the bear hugs me gently.
Turns out its a bi-polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tiwtf/i_was_out_walking_in_the_forest_one_day/
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What's the worst part about making out with a 1/10?

The mirror making your lips cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tirlk/whats_the_worst_part_about_making_out_with_a_110/
%
I punched a fortune teller for smiling at me...

I always like to strike a happy medium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tipmn/i_punched_a_fortune_teller_for_smiling_at_me/
%
Old MacDonald has became the owner of a bunch of new farms......

He has now became the CEIEIO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tila3/old_macdonald_has_became_the_owner_of_a_bunch_of/
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I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tii9h/i_have_a_degree_in_the_design_and_mechanics_of/
%
Wanted to make a Chemistry joke....

...but all the good ones Argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tif9j/wanted_to_make_a_chemistry_joke/
%
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

Imma cashew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tidii/what_did_the_nut_say_when_it_was_chasing_the/
%
What do you do if you want a quick screw?

Nut & bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tibhq/what_do_you_do_if_you_want_a_quick_screw/
%
Saggy Boob

What did saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
"If we don't get some support here, people are going to think we're nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ti9wd/saggy_boob/
%
What did the vet say to the dog who kept licking his balls?

Thanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ti9bu/what_did_the_vet_say_to_the_dog_who_kept_licking/
%
What's got two black eyes and doesn't like sex?

A panda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ti2ve/whats_got_two_black_eyes_and_doesnt_like_sex/
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People shoukd not be shamed for their kinks. I get turned on by someone who smells like musty sweat and coal.

But I get called a monster, simply because I am attracted to miners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ti25g/people_shoukd_not_be_shamed_for_their_kinks_i_get/
%
Me and my girlfriend are in relationship for 2 years...

Until suddenly, she gave me 10,000$ then disappear.
Moments later, I realized that she left me.....
A loan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9thtd7/me_and_my_girlfriend_are_in_relationship_for_2/
%
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus….

“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9thslh/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_martinus/
%
My girlfriend uses the same strategy in monopoly as she does in our relationship

She just keeps cheating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9thqb8/my_girlfriend_uses_the_same_strategy_in_monopoly/
%
Why are Praying Mantises the worst at oral sex?

Only the males give head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9thof9/why_are_praying_mantises_the_worst_at_oral_sex/
%
A girl walks into a bar and notices a large attractive dark man talking to his friends in a thick foreign accent.

The girl walks up to the man and says:
"I love your accent, where are you from?"
"I'm Liberian" replies the man
"Oh I'm sorry" Whispers the girl. "ᴵ ˡᵒᵛᵉ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵃᶜᶜᵉⁿᵗ, ʷʰᵉʳᵉ ᵃʳᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᶠʳᵒᵐˀ"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9thlf6/a_girl_walks_into_a_bar_and_notices_a_large/
%
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?

He didn’t believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9thl7a/did_you_hear_about_the_atheist_who_couldnt_use/
%
A Karate master teaches his students how to break a piece of wood

He points his finger to the center of the board and tells his students, "This is the punch line"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9thkrk/a_karate_master_teaches_his_students_how_to_break/
%
Which dinosaur was the expert judge in matters of taste?

The Connoissaur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9thjqr/which_dinosaur_was_the_expert_judge_in_matters_of/
%
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.

Oops sorry. Wrong bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9thj1a/because_of_my_dyslexia_sometimes_i_get_lost_when/
%
So a salesman travelling across the Great Plains on a stormy afternoon

Seeks shelter in a small town. He goes into the only restaurant he can find and asks the owner if he can have some food and a bed for the night.
Owner: Sure, good man we have good food and you can stay the night.
Salesman: Great and can I also buy love?
Owner: Hmm, we are a small town but of course it is possible. On the first floor you will find Maria and for 50 Dollars you can have her.
Salesman: Ok, but I am more into men! Is that also possible?
Owner: Ah, I see hmm well. If you go to the second floor you will find Bob and you can have him for 500 Dollars.
S: What!? 500 Dollars? How come.
Owner: Well you see we live in a small town and the mayor does not like this gay stuff so I have to pay him 100$.
S: Ah, I see so Bob gets 400$ then?
Owner: Well, you see the priest doesn't like this gay stuff and I have to pay him 100$ as well.
S: Ok, so Bob gets 300$ right?
Owner: Well, you see sir. This is the only restaurant/hotel and I dont' like this gay stuff so I have to take 100$ as well.
Salesman: Ok, so Bob gets 200$ right?
Owner: Well not exactly. Billy and Ray both get 100$ since they have to hold Bob because he doesn't like it either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9thi43/so_a_salesman_travelling_across_the_great_plains/
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What did the buffalo say to his son before going off to college?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9thg7y/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_before_going/
%
I recently found a terrible thesaurus...

It was terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9th0zb/i_recently_found_a_terrible_thesaurus/
%
The day I married my wife was the happiest day of my life...

because every day after that has been a wretched test of patience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tgy4s/the_day_i_married_my_wife_was_the_happiest_day_of/
%
What kind of memes are the most addictive?

Dopamemes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tgxja/what_kind_of_memes_are_the_most_addictive/
%
Did you hear about the guy who died in a courtroom after the judge threw a book at him?

He was sentenced to death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tgwjq/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_died_in_a/
%
With the number of reposts on this site

"Reddit" is a pretty accurate name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tgw70/with_the_number_of_reposts_on_this_site/
%
So, I told my girlfriend to dress up as the "Like Button" for Halloween...

So I could SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tgv2c/so_i_told_my_girlfriend_to_dress_up_as_the_like/
%
I'm sick of people knocking on my door, and asking if I've found Jesus.

I never said I would watch him, and if you're that concerned maybe use bigger nails next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tgqu8/im_sick_of_people_knocking_on_my_door_and_asking/
%
What’s a ten letter word that starts with gas?

Automobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tgoo3/whats_a_ten_letter_word_that_starts_with_gas/
%
An Irishman sees an old man standing in the rain outside of a pub...

As the man gets closer he notices that the old man has a stick in his hand with a piece of string on it, and is waving it around in a puddle.
The man feels bad for the old codger and offers to buy him a pint.
"thank you!" replies the old man, and the two walk inside the pub.
As they are sitting at the bar, drinking their pints in silence, the man decides to make small talk and asks "how many have you caught tonight?"
the old man looks at him and says, "well, you're the eighth".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tgo90/an_irishman_sees_an_old_man_standing_in_the_rain/
%
Crashed My Car Into A Tree...

And I learned how the Mercedes Benz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tgn64/crashed_my_car_into_a_tree/
%
What do the sun and a loaf of bread have in common?

They both rise in the yeast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tgjzn/what_do_the_sun_and_a_loaf_of_bread_have_in_common/
%
Someone gave me a Dictionary that only went up to "S"

I have no idea what this means

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tggqf/someone_gave_me_a_dictionary_that_only_went_up_to/
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FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL MY AMERICAN FRIENDS...

It's Mum not Mom
It's crisps not chips
It's chips not fries
It's football not soccer
It's rugby not football
It's school not shooting range

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tgd83/for_once_and_for_all_my_american_friends/
%
Why does the ocean wave back?

Because it has decent sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tgcg0/why_does_the_ocean_wave_back/
%
Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It wasn’t peeling well..
Side note: I was dressed as a banana for halloween and a 6 year old princess told me this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tgb9v/why_did_the_banana_go_to_the_doctor/
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Sexy time for Bubba

One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tg2kd/sexy_time_for_bubba/
%
I taught a Wolf to Meditate..

Now he’s Aware Wolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tg1wk/i_taught_a_wolf_to_meditate/
%
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 12 brothers and sisters about it but they don't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tg1by/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
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Why is the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy?

Because it's italicized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tg0dg/why_is_the_leaning_tower_of_pisa_in_italy/
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A guy starts at a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He  worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and  says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about  him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We  need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says,  "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good  worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can  help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink  or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats  on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all  right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to  another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her."
The boss says, "You screw your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tg02a/a_guy_starts_at_a_new_job/
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Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions ?

A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tfzle/q_whats_the_definition_of_mixed_emotions/
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I asked my mom how much I'm worth

She asked me how much a 6 pack of beer costed in 2002

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tfz7m/i_asked_my_mom_how_much_im_worth/
%
I just saw a customer rob an Apple store.

Strange.  It’s usually the other way around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tfqnv/i_just_saw_a_customer_rob_an_apple_store/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tfq8h/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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I like my women how I like my Pringles...

Thin, and 50 at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tfolf/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_pringles/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tfnz0/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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What was the name of the process that supporters of Johnny Appleseed went through to rename West Virginia after him?

The Appalachian Apple Nation Appellation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tfm4v/what_was_the_name_of_the_process_that_supporters/
%
What do a printer and a prostate have in common?

Control pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tflk2/what_do_a_printer_and_a_prostate_have_in_common/
%
I just watched an Apple store get robbed

Does that make me an iWitness?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tfgzf/i_just_watched_an_apple_store_get_robbed/
%
Google employees held a walk out today

I couldn't find out why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tffpx/google_employees_held_a_walk_out_today/
%
half-wit

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tff01/halfwit/
%
How did the blonde die while raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tfe28/how_did_the_blonde_die_while_raking_leaves/
%
Twinkie’s and Twinks are very similar

They are both small and filled with cream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tfcjf/twinkies_and_twinks_are_very_similar/
%
What is a tree’s favorite drink?

Root beer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tf95w/what_is_a_trees_favorite_drink/
%
What do anti-vaxxers kids and anti-vaxxer jokes have in common?

They never get old!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tf645/what_do_antivaxxers_kids_and_antivaxxer_jokes/
%
Why can’t a blonde dial 911?

She can’t find the 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tf4vi/why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
%
What happens when you pay a transgender prostitute?

Transaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tf4oe/what_happens_when_you_pay_a_transgender_prostitute/
%
The United Nations conducts a survey worldwide

The only question asked was: "Would you please give us your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure...
In Africa they did not know what "food" meant
In China they did not know what "honest" meant
In Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant
In Russia they did not know what "opinion" meant
In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant
In South America they did not know what "please" meant
And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tf39f/the_united_nations_conducts_a_survey_worldwide/
%
Took an online iq test

I’m so smart that I got a 404

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tez60/took_an_online_iq_test/
%
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal one?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9teyua/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
%
My 12-year-old son was so happy when he found out tonight, for game night, is fort night.

Who knew kids that age still find joy making pillow and blanket tents?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tev2u/my_12yearold_son_was_so_happy_when_he_found_out/
%
What did the meditating Buddhist say to the Instagram star?

"Begone, thought!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tem9o/what_did_the_meditating_buddhist_say_to_the/
%
What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9telz0/whats_blue_and_not_very_heavy/
%
Why shouldn’t you anger a violinist?

Because they’ll get violint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9telnn/why_shouldnt_you_anger_a_violinist/
%
A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear...

...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9telcq/a_babys_laugh_is_one_of_the_most_beautiful_things/
%
For my wife’s birthday, I wanted to have her name tattooed on my penis .....

The tattoo artist said “ I might be able squeeze in her initials”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tel3u/for_my_wifes_birthday_i_wanted_to_have_her_name/
%
My 6 year old just told me if I was a Pokemon I would be a Pikapoo

I said “if you were a Pokemon you’d be Alakadopted”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tejfg/my_6_year_old_just_told_me_if_i_was_a_pokemon_i/
%
A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.

He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.
The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.
The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”
The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9teiis/a_chinese_guy_in_the_us_goes_to_exchange_his/
%
I watched the Indian version of How I Met Your Mother

There's just one episode and it was about the wedding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9teib6/i_watched_the_indian_version_of_how_i_met_your/
%
What do you call a hoe that’s taking a shower?

A shower thot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tegq4/what_do_you_call_a_hoe_thats_taking_a_shower/
%
What's difference between me and calendar?

Calendar has dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tefsl/whats_difference_between_me_and_calendar/
%
So Mama Rabbit and Papa Rabbit are trapped in this hollow log.

They had been chased by the old farmer's hound dogs across three field, two fences and a gulley. They never slowed down. They never gave up, but still they hadn't managed to get away. Seeing the log, they ran in as a last resort.
With a hound dog barking and yapping at either end, Mama Rabbit looked at Papa Rabbit with a tear in her eye.
"Papa, I think this is the end."
Papa Rabbit just put his arm around her and smiled. "Oh, it's not so bad. I figure we can just stay in here until we outnumber 'em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9teex4/so_mama_rabbit_and_papa_rabbit_are_trapped_in/
%
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose...

... but you can’t wipe your friends off underneath the couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9teec7/you_can_pick_your_friends_and_you_can_pick_your/
%
My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.

I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tebgs/my_wife_accused_me_of_having_an_affair_with_a/
%
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?

The second one’s a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9te8ff/why_are_there_two_ds_in_reddit/
%
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike

There is plenty fish in the sea, but until I find one, I am stuck here holding my rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9te5kj/fishing_and_girlfriends_are_exactly_alike/
%
I wondered why I couldn’t see the sun...

...and then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9te5a0/i_wondered_why_i_couldnt_see_the_sun/
%
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said...

"Do you see that couple? How romantic they are. He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?
"I would love to." replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9te4w3/a_wife_one_evening_drew_her_husbands_attention_to/
%
Why did the alcoholic midget fall on the sidewalk?

He was a little drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9te2c3/why_did_the_alcoholic_midget_fall_on_the_sidewalk/
%
I Broke My Fingers At Work Today

On the other hand everything is OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tdx1y/i_broke_my_fingers_at_work_today/
%
There was that joke about Jonestown

I'd tell it to you, but the punchline's too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tdv7j/there_was_that_joke_about_jonestown/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still, no eye deer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tdnep/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
If “ire” is an old fashioned synonym for anger,

Is Ireland the land of angry people?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tdj6s/if_ire_is_an_old_fashioned_synonym_for_anger/
%
A priest is giving a speech during a sermon

The priest says: if you want to go to heaven then stand up.
Naturally everybody stood up
The priest then continues: of course you would all stand up, it is natural for you to want to go to heaven, but you do not know how to get there. You may now be seated
Everyone sits down and the priest then asks: Now please stand up if you would want to go to hell.
Nobody stands up apart from one man at the back
And the priest asks him: why are you standing? Do you want to go to hell?
The man replies: No, not really, but you looked so lonely standing up there by yourself father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tdi8b/a_priest_is_giving_a_speech_during_a_sermon/
%
Why'd the prostitute get turned down for the office position she applied for?

Cuz she sucked at her last job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tdhjx/whyd_the_prostitute_get_turned_down_for_the/
%
A Soviet scientist is experimenting on a frog.

A few years after the end of WWII, a Soviet scientist is doing some experimentation on a frog. He had previously taught it to jump, if he hears the word "jump".
The scientist says "jump!" to the frog, who jumps. Then the scientist cuts of one leg, then he says jump again, the frog jumps again, but a little bit less high. The scientist cuts another leg, and tell the frog to jump, who doesn't. Then the scientist yells at the top of his lungs "JUUUUUUMP!!!!" The frog still doesn't jump.
The scientist writes down on his papers: "Conclusion, if you cut off two legs from a frog, it becomes deaf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tdfxf/a_soviet_scientist_is_experimenting_on_a_frog/
%
I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids...

Just got back home and they are still here...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tdfgp/i_had_a_vasectomy_so_i_wont_have_any_kids/
%
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tdakd/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_ran_into_the_wall/
%
My wife is a terrible cook. Tonight she's making German sausage.

I'll hope for the best, and prepare for the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9td920/my_wife_is_a_terrible_cook_tonight_shes_making/
%
When I was younger, I wanted to be an Astronaut...

...but my parents have always told me that the sky is the limit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9td4wz/when_i_was_younger_i_wanted_to_be_an_astronaut/
%
Weighing the pig

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again.
"Mom's weighing the mailman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9td2zx/weighing_the_pig/
%
Why can’t Trump be impeached?

Because he’s an orange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tczq6/why_cant_trump_be_impeached/
%
What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?

Meals on wheels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tcwgy/what_does_a_cannibal_call_a_skateboarder/
%
My wife has a tattoo of a seashell on her thigh.

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tct0x/my_wife_has_a_tattoo_of_a_seashell_on_her_thigh/
%
I got fired from my job assembling Tickle me Elmos

I misunderstood what they meant when they said I was supposed to give each one “two test tickles”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tcqtn/i_got_fired_from_my_job_assembling_tickle_me_elmos/
%
What's more Irish than potatoes?

Not having potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tcqso/whats_more_irish_than_potatoes/
%
My wife asked me if her stomach was flat

I said yea, the "L" is just silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tcql7/my_wife_asked_me_if_her_stomach_was_flat/
%
There was a girl

who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tcpwy/there_was_a_girl/
%
My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday on my request.

Guess I should’ve been clearer when I said “I wanna watch”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tcjln/my_lesbian_neighbors_got_me_a_rolex_for_my/
%
Trying to create a decent graph of my data but some mystery guy keeps adding more samples to it.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tcgdf/trying_to_create_a_decent_graph_of_my_data_but/
%
What's Thanos' favorite drink?

Snapple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tcct2/whats_thanos_favorite_drink/
%
I told my (blonde) sister this joke: "How do you confuse a blond? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her."

She replied, "I don't get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tc48m/i_told_my_blonde_sister_this_joke_how_do_you/
%
So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.
His one bottle of water ran out, and he poured a whole bottle of windshield wiper fluid into his bottle. He keeps crawling through the desert until nighttime. Once that happened, he started to feel groggy and tired, and soon after he passes out. When he wakes up, he feels the ground is cold and hard, and he opens his eyes. He sees that the ground is made of stone, and then looks in front of him, and sees a huge snake wrapped around a rod of some sort. The man screams and the snake says, "SHHH! Don't worry! I'm not going to hurt you!"
"Who are you?", the man asks.
"I'm Nate," the snake replied. "And who are you?" the snake asked.
"Oh! Um, my name's Jack."
"Well Jack, you're in the Garden of Eden, and in case you were wondering, this stick I'm curled around is the Staff of Life. It's a lever, and if I pull it, it will end all of humanity. I've been sitting here ever since the dawn of time, and I'm going to have to guard this with my life until I die, so this job can be passed on to my son, who's name is Sammy, and in fact, I want you to meet him. Sammy!" Nate yelled, and a 4-foot long rattlesnake came from a pile of rocks and slithered up to the base of the lever.
"Hi!" the young one said to Jack.
"Hello! And you're Sammy, named after Samuel, I assume?" Jack responded, and Sammy nodded his head.
"Jack, could you do a favor for me and show Sammy around the world? When he went the first time, he told me about his adventures and I wanted to go so badly and see the world, you know? I wanted to go see it all, the grand canyons and the  cities and the forests. Could you do that for me? I want him to see it before he's stuck here for eternity, like me." Nate asked Jack.
"Yeah, sure!" Jack answered.
Nate looked back at Sammy, and Sammy said, "Oh yeah! I've gotta go pack! I'll be ready in a bit!" He left back to his pile of rocks.
Nate looked back at Jack, and said "I want only two things-one, show Sammy around the world until he's ready to come back, and two, I want you to kill me It's my time to die."
Jack was now a little depressed, but he said "Ok."
By this time Sammy was ready to leave and go out to the big world, so Sammy told his dad good bye and Nate told Jack which way to go to get back to his hometown, and the two of them left.
They went all around the world and did some really fun things. A few years later, Sammy wanted to go back home, but Jack remembered what he had to do to Nate after all those years, so he said no, and they went around the world for a couple more years, and then they went back to see Nate.
Well, Jack decided to be an idiot, and he drove his new car into the desert again. On the way back to Nate's lever (Somehow, he remembered it after all these years), he started skidding in the sand. This went on until he made it back to Nate. Nate was sleeping about 10-20 feet away from the lever, and Jack was directly into the lever's path. But he realized there was a path that led directly into Nate. Jack had to choose between killing his old friend or ending all humanity, so he said "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!", and drove over Nate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tc0zp/so_theres_a_man_crawling_through_the_desert/
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Baking and boxing are very similar

They both require you to beat until thick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tbysh/baking_and_boxing_are_very_similar/
%
What do you call a boring violinist whose fascist regime lost WWII?

A dull fiddler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tbv8o/what_do_you_call_a_boring_violinist_whose_fascist/
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I’m going to start a law firm and only hire nuns...

I’ll call it “Sisters in law.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tbpfv/im_going_to_start_a_law_firm_and_only_hire_nuns/
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What do you call the 1st of November?

Octover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tblp3/what_do_you_call_the_1st_of_november/
%
I used to work in a napkin factory in Russia.

I was in the serviette union

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tbkpe/i_used_to_work_in_a_napkin_factory_in_russia/
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Why was the shoe depressed?

Because it had a hole in it's sole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tbko6/why_was_the_shoe_depressed/
%
How do you know someone is vegan?

They will tell you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tbij5/how_do_you_know_someone_is_vegan/
%
A couple is making love. The phone rings.

The wife answers, “okay!” and hangs up, laughing.
- “Why are you laughing? Who was it?”
- “My husband. He said he will be late because he’s at a bar with you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tbich/a_couple_is_making_love_the_phone_rings/
%
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tbdec/a_man_takes_his_seat_at_the_nba_final_he_looks/
%
An old man is sitting at a bus stop

, when a kid walks up holding 5 Snickers bars and sits down next to him.
The old man looks over and watches as the kid unwraps and eats the first candy bar. The kid then proceeds to unwrap the next one, and eats it too. Soon, the kid has eaten all 5 Snickers bars.
"Son," says the old man, "That cannot be good for your health."
The boy looks back and replies, "I'll have you know, my Grandpa lived to be over 100 years old!"
"Oh?" Says the old man, "By eating so much candy in one sitting?"
"No!" says the boy, "By minding his own god damn business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tb60k/an_old_man_is_sitting_at_a_bus_stop/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tb5vn/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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2 guys are having a conversation

''Man i'm telling you my mother-in-law is an angel.''
''You're lucky m8.... mine is still alive''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tb4ku/2_guys_are_having_a_conversation/
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Johnny was in his high Economics class one day

The teacher asked: "Can anyone give an example of a business failure due to careless management?"
Johnny replied: "A Prostitute getting pregnant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tb3dv/johnny_was_in_his_high_economics_class_one_day/
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Son - Why is the food cold and bland?

Father - Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tb3ch/son_why_is_the_food_cold_and_bland/
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Jesse - The Quick Thinking Cowboy

Jesse the cowboy has been captured by the Indians and sentenced to death.  The Chief says "Since we are warriors and you are also a warrior, for honor, I grant you one last request."
Jesse says "Let me talk to my horse."
The Chief replies "That's an unusual request but since it is your wish, go ahead."
So Jesse goes and whispers something in the horse's ear.  The horse nods his head and gallops off as fast as he can go.
So they carry on with the preparations for the execution and five minutes later the horse returns with a beautiful blonde prostitute.
The Chief say "Ahh, okay that makes more sense."
Jesse says "No, this is for you."
Thee Chief says "Hold the execution I'll be right back" and he disappears into a tee-pee with the prostitute.  About 30 minutes later the Chief comes out of the tee-pee with a big smile on his face.
He says "Jesse, since your previous last request was so good, Im going to grant you one more."
Jesse says "Let me talk to my horse again."
So Jesse goes to the horse; he says "I said:  Bring the Posse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tb078/jesse_the_quick_thinking_cowboy/
%
What did one stoner say to the other?

Hi(gh)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tayor/what_did_one_stoner_say_to_the_other/
%
My one friend said he didn’t feel any different after his vasectomy,

while my other friend said he definitely felt a vas deferens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tawop/my_one_friend_said_he_didnt_feel_any_different/
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Why did the student look underwater for square and cube numbers?

They’re indices

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9tase9/why_did_the_student_look_underwater_for_square/
%
What do you call Halloween with offensive costumes?

Trigger Treating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9taj5q/what_do_you_call_halloween_with_offensive_costumes/
%
I tell dad jokes, but have no kids.

I’m a faux pa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ta2fe/i_tell_dad_jokes_but_have_no_kids/
%
A friend of mine was just diagnosed with testicular cancer, but he's not even scared.

He's got some big balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ta011/a_friend_of_mine_was_just_diagnosed_with/
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What should you do if you come across a Tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t9zpf/what_should_you_do_if_you_come_across_a_tiger_in/
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What do you call two friendly ghosts that are playing together?

Pair a normal activity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t9wvn/what_do_you_call_two_friendly_ghosts_that_are/
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What did the Captain yell when he saw the mariachi band?

A BAND ON SHIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t9wvl/what_did_the_captain_yell_when_he_saw_the/
%
“My wife looked at me and said, "you weren't even listening were you?"

I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t9sgf/my_wife_looked_at_me_and_said_you_werent_even/
%
My 3 year old son has it out for me.

To be fair I did fuck his mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t9pc4/my_3_year_old_son_has_it_out_for_me/
%
three prisoners meet in a Gulag in Soviet Russia

Three prisoners meet in a Gulag in Soviet Russia.
They tell each other what are they there for.
The first one says: "In 1930, I made a negative review of comrade Ivanov's work."
The second one says: "In 1930, I made a positive review of comrade Ivanov's work."
The third one says: "I am comrade Ivanov..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t9p78/three_prisoners_meet_in_a_gulag_in_soviet_russia/
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What you call someone losing vocabulary in two languages he knows?

Byelingual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t9mug/what_you_call_someone_losing_vocabulary_in_two/
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Birthdays are good for your health.

Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t9jay/birthdays_are_good_for_your_health/
%
Why does Thor like to hangout with his sister?

Because they have a Hela good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t9e0r/why_does_thor_like_to_hangout_with_his_sister/
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A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day...

He discovered he was a tad Polish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t99zp/a_frog_decided_to_trace_his_genealogy_one_day/
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Three men go to the Pearly gates

Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how did they die. So he asks the first man and the first man says, "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work on purpose. When I got back to the apartement she was lying naked in bed like she had just been having sex. So I checked under the bed and there was no one there. I checked in the closet and there was no one there, so I looked on the balcony and there was some guy hanging from the railing. I got so angry I beat his hands until he fell, then I ran back in the apartement, grabbed the refridgerator, brought it back out, and dropped over the railing right on top of him. Then I was so mad I had a heart attack and died and came here." St. Peter said, "It sounds like you've had it rough, so I'll let you in." The next man walks up and gets asked the same question. So this man says, "I was in my apartement when I slipped and fell over the railing. I was able to grab onto the railing of the apartement below me but then this guy starts pounding on my fists until I fall. Then he goes and dumps this refridgerator on me and I wound up here." St. Peter lets this guy in too because he has also had it rough. Then the third guy comes up and is also asked the question. This guy replies, "Okay, so I'm banging this married chick when the husband comes home early. So I go and hide in the refridgerator..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t98zt/three_men_go_to_the_pearly_gates/
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The King's Headache

A King is sitting in his throne complaining of a headache.
"This chair was built poorly, it disrupts my posture and causes headaches."
The squire asks, "What shall we do my Lord?"
The King says, "There is a region known as Fenn, the artisans there build the finest chairs in the land, all of their men are craftsmen from birth."
The squire says, "Shall we fetch a seat built by these men sir?"
The King says, "Yes.  The only thing that can ease my headache is a seat of Men of Fenn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t98z7/the_kings_headache/
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I thought about reposting a cow joke...

But what's the point? I see it here every udder day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t96uc/i_thought_about_reposting_a_cow_joke/
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How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t95rg/how_do_you_get_trump_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t9356/last_night_i_sawa_host_of_pale_emaciated_figures/
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I guess you could say October is...

Oct-over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t90az/i_guess_you_could_say_october_is/
%
I went as the Air for Halloween

But everyone saw right through my disguise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t8zwb/i_went_as_the_air_for_halloween/
%
What do u call a Siberian hooker?

A frosty prosti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t8wsb/what_do_u_call_a_siberian_hooker/
%
I saved a guys life today. (How?) He was choking.

So I took my hands off his neck.
And said, dont make me save your life again asshole. Use your turn signal next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t8tnl/i_saved_a_guys_life_today_how_he_was_choking/
%
What do daylight savings time and Melania Trump have in common?

Pushing back the little hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t8t01/what_do_daylight_savings_time_and_melania_trump/
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Kids

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered,  ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said.  'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t8nhf/kids/
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What's a Redditor's favourite fencing technique?

The riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t8kx8/whats_a_redditors_favourite_fencing_technique/
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My premature ejaculation sufferers support meetings were going so well

I decided to stop coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t8jmz/my_premature_ejaculation_sufferers_support/
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A Guy Goes Into A Dentist's Office

A guy goes into a dentist's office.
The dentist says, "How can I help you?"
The guy says, "I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "Excuse me?"
The guy says again, "I'm a moth.
"The dentist says, "I think maybe you should be seeing a psychiatrist, not a dentist."
The guy says, "I saw a psychiatrist."
The dentist says,
"So what are you doing here?"
The guy says, "Your light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t8i46/a_guy_goes_into_a_dentists_office/
%
I just met a really cool girl, but I won't date her because she has no feet...

I guess you could say I'm "lack toes intolerant".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t8grg/i_just_met_a_really_cool_girl_but_i_wont_date_her/
%
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.

Mom: You want to be a WHAT?
Daughter: Prostitute.
Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t88yy/an_irish_girl_tells_her_mother_that_she_decided/
%
Took a break in my synchronised reading class today

Just to have a chat and make sure everyones on the same page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t86id/took_a_break_in_my_synchronised_reading_class/
%
Judy was entering the Church wearing a see-through blouse.

"You can't come into the Church like that!" exclaimed Priest.
"But I have a divine right!" replied Judy.
"You have a divine left too, but you still can't come in dressed like that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t835x/judy_was_entering_the_church_wearing_a_seethrough/
%
Three guys find a Genie in the woods...

Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.” The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish. First guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more. Second guy says “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.” Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.” Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
“Guys, I think I fucked up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t835f/three_guys_find_a_genie_in_the_woods/
%
I’m so good at making fun of people…

They say I have a diss ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t8235/im_so_good_at_making_fun_of_people/
%
What did the finger say to the other finger?

I am in glove with you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t821x/what_did_the_finger_say_to_the_other_finger/
%
Why did the boat dock collapse under it's own weight?

Too much pier pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t7w1r/why_did_the_boat_dock_collapse_under_its_own/
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Did you hear Bruce Lee’s brother is an unimaginative redditor?

Frequent Lee reposts on r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t7tes/did_you_hear_bruce_lees_brother_is_an/
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The power went out while I was using the bathroom today....

I couldn't see shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t7t3a/the_power_went_out_while_i_was_using_the_bathroom/
%
Which country's capital has the fastest growing population?

Ireland. Every day it's Dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t7rcy/which_countrys_capital_has_the_fastest_growing/
%
A philosopher says to a linguist, “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t7lao/a_philosopher_says_to_a_linguist_what_if_instead/
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Why are comedians so scared of ghosts?

Because they always BOO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t7izd/why_are_comedians_so_scared_of_ghosts/
%
Light a fire for a man, he will be warm for the rest of the day...

Set man on fire, and he will stay warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t7gt9/light_a_fire_for_a_man_he_will_be_warm_for_the/
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Two fishermen were fishing off the rocks...

The first fishermen was catching fish so fast they we're practically jumping straight into his bucket.
The second fishermen asked the first what his secret was. To which the first responded.
I have no wife, or girlfriend, I am a very lonely man.
The first fishermen didn't understand, and had an obvious look of puzzlement on his face.
The second fishermen looking exacerbated and embarrassed exclaimed.
Well they don't call me the master baiter for nothing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t786l/two_fishermen_were_fishing_off_the_rocks/
%
I watched a show on how they make boats today...

It was riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t77y9/i_watched_a_show_on_how_they_make_boats_today/
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Have you heard the joke about the chocolate bar?

It wasn’t very funny so I just snickered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t76cf/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_the_chocolate_bar/
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Two men are caught sleeping with another man’s wife and are caught by police in the act.

After the arrest the two men, the police contact the husband, they tell him the story.
Police: Sorry to inform you sir but we found your wife having intercourse with two men by the names of Mr. Right and Mr. Wrong.  When we found them, Right was in front and Wrong was in back.  This must be horrible for you but we need to know if you would like to prosecute both men?
Husband: Go ahead and prosecute Right, but my wife will never admit that she’s fucking Wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t755b/two_men_are_caught_sleeping_with_another_mans/
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t70ex/after_having_dug_to_a_depth_of_10_feet_last_year/
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Life is like a box of chocolates....

... it doesn't last very long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t6vhq/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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I wasn't feeling very well so my doc told me to drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest.

So I drank till I passed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t6oia/i_wasnt_feeling_very_well_so_my_doc_told_me_to/
%
My wife wants to break up with me because I would be too obsessed with horses.

I thought we'd have a stable relationship, but neigh...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t6god/my_wife_wants_to_break_up_with_me_because_i_would/
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What does a chocolate bar do when you tell it a joke?

Nothing, it just snickers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t6a8v/what_does_a_chocolate_bar_do_when_you_tell_it_a/
%
Today I met Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother

Broco Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t63r1/today_i_met_bruce_lees_vegetarian_brother/
%
Did you hear about the lonely soul?

He had no body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t5u6e/did_you_hear_about_the_lonely_soul/
%
What are two ghosts up to when they play together?

Pair of normal activity
Happy Halloween

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t5pzi/what_are_two_ghosts_up_to_when_they_play_together/
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Most redittors would make excellent Presidents.

We already sleep, eat junk food, watch TV and post on social media 21 hours a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t5pz9/most_redittors_would_make_excellent_presidents/
%
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t5m7n/after_my_wife_died_i_couldnt_even_look_at_another/
%
How did pirates communicate before the internet?

Pier to Pier Networking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t5jaa/how_did_pirates_communicate_before_the_internet/
%
A blonde tried to sell her old car.

She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t5ez5/a_blonde_tried_to_sell_her_old_car/
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What do you call a ghost that only haunts chicken?

Poultrygeist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t5euo/what_do_you_call_a_ghost_that_only_haunts_chicken/
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A man came home from work,

sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "It's started."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t57gt/a_man_came_home_from_work/
%
Had anyone seen the movie 'Constipation'?

Probably not because it's not out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t579l/had_anyone_seen_the_movie_constipation/
%
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour
her a drink.
You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t579c/you_see_a_gorgeous_girl_at_a_party/
%
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t55ze/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
What’s the difference between an expert marksman and an owl with diarrhea?

One hits whenever he shoots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t54ew/whats_the_difference_between_an_expert_marksman/
%
My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, “Which one do you want?”

I said I’d take either/oar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t54c5/my_wife_handed_me_two_kayak_paddles_and_asked/
%
An elderly, hard of hearing woman goes to the doctor.

After his questions, the doctor proceeds to examine her.
He says - Mrs. Walker. Big breaths.....
She chuckles - Oh thanks, but you should have seen them when I was young.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t51cd/an_elderly_hard_of_hearing_woman_goes_to_the/
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My anti-vax sister wouldn’t let me take my niece trick-or-treating, even though she had the perfect Halloween costume.

Stupid cemetery rules.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t502j/my_antivax_sister_wouldnt_let_me_take_my_niece/
%
Did you hear about the Frenchman that got baked into a loaf of bread?

He's in a lot of pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t4wp2/did_you_hear_about_the_frenchman_that_got_baked/
%
For Halloween, my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and arrested me under suspicion of being too good in bed

However, after a couple minutes the charges were dropped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t4sqj/for_halloween_my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a/
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TIL that, in 1917, England mistook an Italian maritime transport for a German one, so they attacked it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t4l02/til_that_in_1917_england_mistook_an_italian/
%
I’ve read “ An Idiot's Guide To Plumbing ” twice and I still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

I guess it’s going to take another few reads before this sinks in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t4jqe/ive_read_an_idiots_guide_to_plumbing_twice_and_i/
%
I can't stand German sausage meat.

It's the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t4jib/i_cant_stand_german_sausage_meat/
%
A guy on 4chan called me a "pussy" today.

Joke's on him: that's still more than he'll ever get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t4a4u/a_guy_on_4chan_called_me_a_pussy_today/
%
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around...

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t43tk/a_young_man_was_walking_through_a_supermarket_to/
%
Trump should not have said "shit-hole countries".

The correct term is "Turd World Countries".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t4370/trump_should_not_have_said_shithole_countries/
%
I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t42i0/i_couldnt_give_a_shit_about_what_vegans_eat/
%
What did the motivational speaker ask the bottle of water?

Do you have what it takes to be a liter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t3za8/what_did_the_motivational_speaker_ask_the_bottle/
%
A thief entered the theater

He stole the spotlight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t3pii/a_thief_entered_the_theater/
%
It's sad when people can't admit their faults.

I totally would if I had any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t3nkx/its_sad_when_people_cant_admit_their_faults/
%
What do you call a traveling nun?

A Roamin Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t3nj5/what_do_you_call_a_traveling_nun/
%
Wow I'm shocked for the first time my grandpa voted Democrat!

He never would have done that when he was alive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t3kpw/wow_im_shocked_for_the_first_time_my_grandpa/
%
Son asks his father what a Vagina looks like.

Father: Before or after sex?
Son: I don't know what that means?
Father: Well there are two different types
Son: Umm, before sex.
Father: Oh well it looks like an Orchid at dawn just as the sun hits it, with dew drops on it, in a Botanical garden in Spring.
Son: Oh woah. What does it look like after sex?
Father: It looks like a bulldog just ate a jar of mayonnaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t3gku/son_asks_his_father_what_a_vagina_looks_like/
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Halloween Joke

A cab driver picks up a Nun in  San Francisco  . She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'Ok' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t3ftf/halloween_joke/
%
It's national Knock-knock Day! Knock Knock..

Who's there?
Little ol' lady
Little ol' lady who?
Wow! Didn't know you could yodel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t3d54/its_national_knockknock_day_knock_knock/
%
Why was Dracula grumpy?

Too much B negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t3971/why_was_dracula_grumpy/
%
I need sleep and these trick-or-treaters keep knocking on my door.

“Let us out, we are starving, cold and there are rats in here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t37yo/i_need_sleep_and_these_trickortreaters_keep/
%
Prisoners can't have sex

Because they're in-cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t37cn/prisoners_cant_have_sex/
%
When you just found out by a coincidence you have two aunts named Lee.

A pair aunt lee  just happened

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t36cw/when_you_just_found_out_by_a_coincidence_you_have/
%
I'm really fed up with my mates

Three times now they've agreed to go to a Whitesnake gig with me & then not showed up.
Here I go again, on my own!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t33i1/im_really_fed_up_with_my_mates/
%
My three favorite things in the world are..

.. eating my family and not using commas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t2xi5/my_three_favorite_things_in_the_world_are/
%
This morning i went to my premature ejaculation support meeting...

...but it turns out its tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t2vzy/this_morning_i_went_to_my_premature_ejaculation/
%
Gay guys are the best...

they not only leave more girls for us men...they also take another dude with them.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t2v78/gay_guys_are_the_best/
%
A pharmacist walks into his sho

The pharmacist finds a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” He asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” explains the assistant. “But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.”
“What!” The pharmacist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him - he’s far too scared to cough.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t2qwe/a_pharmacist_walks_into_his_sho/
%
A man and his hippo walk into a bar

It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my hippopotamus." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the hippopotamus falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a hippopotamus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t2qiz/a_man_and_his_hippo_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I am trying to find the woman of my dreams

Too bad i am insomniac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t2pzt/i_am_trying_to_find_the_woman_of_my_dreams/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

I wouldn’t drink coffee, and I wouldn’t drink a woman who was ground up into a liquid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t2noc/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
I broke my ring finger last week

On the other hand, I’m okay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t2mzd/i_broke_my_ring_finger_last_week/
%
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk on the beach together

and only one of them knows about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t2m25/stalking_is_when_two_people_go_for_a_long/
%
She tried to cut my penis off but instead stabbed my leg

She was charged with misdawiener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t2iiq/she_tried_to_cut_my_penis_off_but_instead_stabbed/
%
What’s more crushing than not being able to start your car?

Not being able to stop it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t2hiq/whats_more_crushing_than_not_being_able_to_start/
%
Where do Welsh sheep farmers take their fleece to send overseas?

OooOooo woolwarves of London

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t2gm7/where_do_welsh_sheep_farmers_take_their_fleece_to/
%
I’m thinking about exploring BDSM

but I need someone to show me the ropes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t2fal/im_thinking_about_exploring_bdsm/
%
We decided to call our dog ‘low priority bugs’

That way people will understand why we don’t plan to get him fixed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t25vt/we_decided_to_call_our_dog_low_priority_bugs/
%
My mother always told me to never go to sleep with dirty dishes in the sink.

She's so right, it's really uncomfortable in there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t24ng/my_mother_always_told_me_to_never_go_to_sleep/
%
People say vegans are annoying

But I've never had any beef with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t239d/people_say_vegans_are_annoying/
%
A kid from the Make A Wish Foundation told me he wanted to be Batman for Halloween...

So I murdered his parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t22yb/a_kid_from_the_make_a_wish_foundation_told_me_he/
%
It was sunny out so i put sunglasses on a tree.

Suddenly it was very shady!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t21po/it_was_sunny_out_so_i_put_sunglasses_on_a_tree/
%
For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.

Don’t worry, no one got hurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1t6l/for_halloween_a_classmate_dressed_up_as_a/
%
Halloween is a day to dress up as something you're not

That's why most girls go as something sexy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1sgi/halloween_is_a_day_to_dress_up_as_something_youre/
%
Roses are red, violets are...

violet. That's why they fucking call them violets jackass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1qlh/roses_are_red_violets_are/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1q6i/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
I asked someone at the Vegan society dinner "do you always include a vegetable in every sentence you say?

they said   "not nessicelery"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1nt8/i_asked_someone_at_the_vegan_society_dinner_do/
%
I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween

but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1m41/i_wanted_to_be_an_antivaxxer_for_halloween/
%
Just had some trick or treaters come to my door dressed as Gloria Gaynor...

At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1jpu/just_had_some_trick_or_treaters_come_to_my_door/
%
My girlfriend told me that she thought we should split up if I didn't stop asking like a detective....

I said good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1j0e/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_she_thought_we_should/
%
Why does Mr. T drive a Tesla?

Because he pities the fuel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1imh/why_does_mr_t_drive_a_tesla/
%
What’s an atoms favorite video game?

Half life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1i5l/whats_an_atoms_favorite_video_game/
%
How do Chinese spies introduce themselves to their enemies?

They say, "I'm Wa-Ching Yu!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1hz8/how_do_chinese_spies_introduce_themselves_to/
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Neighborly people.

A man, tired of busy life in the city, moves to a house at the countryside, middle of nowhere. Fews days later a neighbor comes to visit him for the first time.
"There will be a party tonight at my place, are you interested?", asks the neighbor.
New guy say, "Okay, why not."
"There will be some dancing and singing there", informs the neighbor.
"It's okay, I can sing", he answers.
"And know that there will be heavy drinking too."
"That's not a problem either, I haven't had a drink since I moved here.
"And after all that's been done, there will be some wild sex."
"Now that's good, I haven't got laid in ages!", he says, getting all excited about it.
"So I can count you in?", asks the neighbor.
"You bet you can", he says enthusiasticly.
"Okay, so it's a deal. Tonight at my place", says the neigbor and turns to go away.
"Wait, one last thing!", he yells after the neighbor. "How should I dress?"
"Oh, doesn't matter, just gonna be the two of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1h0y/neighborly_people/
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A Halloween Joke

A skeleton, a jack-o-lantern, and a scarecrow are hanging out in a corn field.
The skeleton fancies the jack-o-lantern and says, “Never have I seen eyes shine as bright as yours, only adding to the beauty of such a glowing smile.”
The jack-o-lantern, however has a crush on the scare crow and chooses to ignore the skeleton. She admiringly tells the scarecrow, “You’re so brave! I could never do what you do, scaring all the bad things out of this field!”
Skeleton interjects “I’ve got a bone to pick with you Jack! Don’t be so down on yourself, I’m sure you could do it!”
The jack-o-lantern insists “I really couldn’t! I just don’t have the guts.”
Scarecrow, amused at the two of them, replies to the jack-o-lantern. “Thank you. I do appreciate the compliment! I have been told I am out standing in my field. But all I can say is ‘Hay, it’s in my jeans.’“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1db0/a_halloween_joke/
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A very fat man wants to lose weight

. After many failed attempts, he sees an ad:
Lose weight with pleasure!! Guaranteed results!!
Three diferrent packages:
Begginer: 20 pounds in 5 days
Intermediate: 40 pounds in 3 days
Advanced: 60 pounds in only 1 day!
So he decides to try it and he orders the first package. Next day in the morning, the bell rings and he opens the door to a stunning woman, wearing only a bikini with a sign saying *If you get me, I'm yours*.
With that incentive, the man starts to run after her and eventually he gets her and...gets the prize. Same thing goes on for five days and the man indeed loses 20 pounds and feels really happy, so he decides to order the Intermediate package.
Next morning another hot girl rings the bell, this time wearing nothing except running shoes with a sign saying *If you get me, I'm yours*. This woman was faster than the first one, but after a big effort he manages to get her too and gets the prize, which he enjoys for the next three days.
The happy man weighs himself and gladly sees that he has lost another 40 pounds, but he wants to go all-in with this wonderful program. So he decides to order the last package.
Next morning, the man had already bought a package of condoms and he was doing his stretches when the bell rings. He goes to open and he sees a 6' 5'' black man wearing only underwear and running shoes with a sign saying:
IF I GET YOU, YOU ARE MINE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1ai9/a_very_fat_man_wants_to_lose_weight/
%
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. "Paint…my….house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t18i3/a_guy_meets_a_sex_worker_in_a_bar/
%
A man is walking down an empty beach...

Suddenly he hears someone crying in the distance.
He finds a woman, with no arms and no legs, sitting alone in the sand and crying.
“Why are you here crying by your self miss?” He asks.
“Well, I’ve been this way my whole life and... I’ve never been kissed by a man!”
“I’ll kiss ya” he replies.
“Really? You’d do that?” She says in excitement.
“Sure!” He says as he kneels down and gives her a tasteful kiss.
“Thank you so much!” She says,
and the man continues to walk down the beach.
He doesn’t get far when he once again hears crying. He turns back and sure enough it’s the same woman crying again.
“What’s the matter? I thought you got what you wanted?” He asks.
“Well... I’ve also never been fucked before” she says.
“Ahhhhhh, I think I can fix that” he says as he lifts her up and carries her toward the water.
As he gets closer to the ocean...
He throws her as far as possible and says
“Your fucked now!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t171v/a_man_is_walking_down_an_empty_beach/
%
My dad never does anything different for halloween...

He dresses up as an urn and just sits there on the TV stand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t12o1/my_dad_never_does_anything_different_for_halloween/
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What do you call a person that made rap before it was cool?

A Hip-Hopster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t10um/what_do_you_call_a_person_that_made_rap_before_it/
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Full disclosure needed.

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t109m/full_disclosure_needed/
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What do CAPTCHAs and college professors have in common?

They both generate and grade tests they themselves cannot pass.  Enjoy midterm week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t0wy4/what_do_captchas_and_college_professors_have_in/
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What did the black man say when he lost his son?

"Has anyone seen my son?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t0wat/what_did_the_black_man_say_when_he_lost_his_son/
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Who is this Rorschach guy

And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t0v13/who_is_this_rorschach_guy/
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If you're worried about your kids having sex while still in high school, just have them learn trumpet and join all the school bands.

Worked like a fucking charm for my parents :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t0tka/if_youre_worried_about_your_kids_having_sex_while/
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What did the monk say to the philosopher supermodel?

"Begone thought."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t0jh9/what_did_the_monk_say_to_the_philosopher/
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Today I can finally say that I've banged all of my classmates

I'm homeschooled
***Sweet home Alabama***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t0gvk/today_i_can_finally_say_that_ive_banged_all_of_my/
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A Kid knocked on my door the night before Halloween...

I opened the door and he shouted
“Trick or Treat !”
I replied back to him
“It’s not even Halloween yet and what have you come as then?”
“A Werewolf!”
He shouts again, I replied...
“But you’re just in normal clothes”
And the little shit said
“Well it’s not full moon yet is it dick head!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t0dza/a_kid_knocked_on_my_door_the_night_before/
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It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t0bfu/its_that_time_of_the_year_when_many_americans_go/
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A blone walks into a doctor office...

A blone walks into a doctor office, and both of her ears are burned
The doctor asks what happened?
The blonde replies I was ironing and got a phone call and picked up the wrong one
The other ear?
They called back...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t06zp/a_blone_walks_into_a_doctor_office/
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What news does an underwater welder pay the most attention to?

Current events.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t06iy/what_news_does_an_underwater_welder_pay_the_most/
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A man walks past a restaurant that claims its staff are psychic...

...Curious, he decides to enter, getting a table for himself. Not five minutes later, a waiter comes by with a bottle of wine and a glass.
"Waiter," the man protested. "I appreciate the offer, but where are the menus?"
"Ah, surely you saw the sign outside, sir.." the waiter chuckled. "We employ only the finest psychics in the country."
"So that sign is telling the truth?" The man inquired further. "Your staff really are psychic?"
"Of course," replied the waiter. "For instance, our *maître d'* knew you were going to enter our establishment before you even saw the sign... you are at a 'table for one', no?"
"I just thought he was very observant." said the man. "What about the chefs?"
"They are psychic too, sir." replied the waiter. "All our chefs are so skilled with their telekinetic abilities, that they can cook and prepare all their meals with just the power of their mind."
The man looked over at the window towards the kitchen, now noticing the vast number of ingredients and utensils moving around in the air, all seemingly on their own. "I see... and you yourself, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Oh, but of course, sir." the waiter chuckled. "I am one of the best telepathics you'll ever meet. The second I saw you, I knew exactly which drink to get you.. unless you wish to prove me wrong..." The waiter began to remove the cork on the wine bottle, and poured the man a glass.
Nervously, the man picked up the glass and brought the liquid to his lips. After one sip, he was completely astonished: The perfect grape, the perfect vintage, the perfect notes and everything else in between! It was if he had been transported right into the vineyard! He had never had a wine like this before!
"Well, waiter," the man said. "You have me sold. I'd like to order now, if that's fine with you."
"Don't tell me sir..." said the waiter. "You'll be having the steak?"
"Of course." replied the man. "And I have full faith in your staff."
With that, the waiter began to walk away towards the kitchens, making small notes in a small book.
The man, meanwhile, was beginning to get a little excited. He took another sip of wine just to make sure- no, it was still as perfect as before. He didn't even mind how long his meal needed to take - he was no culinary master himself, but he at least knew good food took time.
Soon, the waiter returned to the table, placing down a plate of steak in front of the man. "I hope you enjoy your meal, sir."
Thanking the waiter, the man looked down at the plate before him, and started to worry. Was everything the waiter said before true? He never actually *saw* the kitchen staff prepare his meal... what if they got it wrong?
He took his knife and fork and cut himself a piece. It seemed to be the right colour inside for him.
But was it just the manner of how much it was cooked that they took into account? Did they factor in flavour? Seasoning? The right cut of meat? Anxiously, he took a bite...
He was six years old. The sun had just set on a short December afternoon and was on his way home from school. He walked into his house where his parents had spent all day been preparing a roast meal; the various smells of stocks, herbs and spices having been making their way all through the house for hours. After setting down his books, he made his way to the table, where a cut of meat had been waiting at his seat. He took a cut and bit into it, savouring in every chew-
-He was back in the restaurant, utterly shocked. The tastes, the flavours, the herbs, the textures; his mother said it was a secret recipe, impossible to reproduce.. but here it was, as plain as day.
He heard the waiter approach his table one more time with another bottle; not of wine, but of something that, even to the untrained eye, looked remarkably stronger, as well as an appropriately-shaped glass to match.
"Is everything to your tastes, sir?"
The man looked down at the plate in front of him. "Waiter, I'm going to be completely honest with you. This is, without a shadow of a doubt, the best steak I have eaten in years. I want to meet the chef who prepared this so I can thank them personally."
"But, of course sir." replied the waiter. "Wait here while I fetch him for you."
A few more minutes passed as the man's plate got emptier and emptier until no steak remained, until the waiter returned one more time, and he was not alone.
"You wished to speak with me, sir?"
The man looked up to see the chef. Excited, he practically jumped out of his seat.
"Chef," he began. "For years, in all the steaks I have had, none has ever compared to the one I have just eaten. Tell me, how did you do it? I never thought I would ever be easting such a fine cut of meat for the rest of my life!"
"It's all very simple." replied the chef. "With my precognitive abilities, I knew you would be heading in here weeks ago. So I took a cut of meat and have been stewing it in flavours that I had measured down using my telekinesis to the molecular level, taking extra care to handle the meat itself so that no cut was wasted. I took one look at the waiter and, using my own telepathy, knew instantly you were here. After some final preparations, I added the right amount of garnishes, and sent it out to be served. I will admit though, it's highly uncommon for a psychic like me to be skilled in many different facets of psychic abilities, no less one who knows how to cook."
The man was stunned. He had never seen a person like this before, let alone what they were capable of. He reached out to shake the chef's hand.
"Chef, I admire - nay, envy - your ability to not only know your customers before even meet them, but also to know how to cook a steak...
*...Rare medium, well done.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t04vc/a_man_walks_past_a_restaurant_that_claims_its/
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Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex

...Honey, I think I missed a period!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t046q/sex_sex_sex_sex/
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Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.

They must not like random people knocking on their door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9szz2j/jehovahs_witnesses_dont_celebrate_halloween/
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Why are Catholic priests always referred to as "father"?

Because "daddy" would make it too obvious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sztuq/why_are_catholic_priests_always_referred_to_as/
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How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9szlzl/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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A Classic Joke...

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with
her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for
him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you
dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his
best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The
man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers
anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his
God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus
driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9szl4f/a_classic_joke/
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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9szkd8/what_do_you_call_two_mexicans_playing_basketball/
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Little Johnny is trick or treating

and he’s dressed like a pirate!  His outfit is top to bottom swashbuckling fun, and he’s incredibly proud of all the fine details included.
He goes to the first house, knocks on the door and when the door opens he yells “twick o tweat!”
The woman at the door fawns over him, she coos “oh and what are you for Halloween this year?”
Little Johnny replies “I’m a piewat and ‘dis iz my pawwot” he says pointing to the fake parrot on his shoulder.  The woman gives him his candy and he ventures to the next house.
He walks to the next house, knocks and yells “twick o tweat!!”
The man answering the door exclaims “wow! And who are you dressed up as?”
Little Johnny replies “I’m a piewat and ‘dis iz my pawwot,” he says again pointing to his parrot. The man gives him his candy as Johnny heads off to the next house.
He arrives, knocks and yells “twick o tweat!”
The woman at the door excitedly asks “and what are you supposed to be this year!?”
Little Johnny replies the same “I’m a piewat and ‘dis iz my pawwot!”
The woman says “oh of course you are!  But where are your buccaneers??”
Little Johnny looks at her sternly, points to the side of his head and says “here are my buccaneers, where are your buccineyes?”
Happy Halloween!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9szjcp/little_johnny_is_trick_or_treating/
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When hiring, I take half the applications and throw them in the garbage...

I don't hire unlucky people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9szhkh/when_hiring_i_take_half_the_applications_and/
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I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant..

..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9szfv9/i_had_a_vasectomy_so_my_wife_wouldnt_get_pregnant/
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For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9szfq7/for_halloween_im_dressing_up_as_a_plate/
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What's the easiest way to make a bear docile?

If someone could answer quickly that wou

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9szfn0/whats_the_easiest_way_to_make_a_bear_docile/
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Prison may just be one word

But to others its a sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9szd6v/prison_may_just_be_one_word/
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Cartoonist found dead in room

Details are sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9szbwj/cartoonist_found_dead_in_room/
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How did the skeleton greet the other skeleton?

Bone-jour
Happy halloween!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sz9t3/how_did_the_skeleton_greet_the_other_skeleton/
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I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sz8yi/im_gonna_be_turning_my_lights_off_this_halloween/
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Sir Cumference was the fattest knight at the king’s round table...

He got that way from eating too much pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sz6yg/sir_cumference_was_the_fattest_knight_at_the/
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I’m going trick or treating with my Gran tonight.

It’s the only time I can take her out as she’s been dead for ten years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sz57f/im_going_trick_or_treating_with_my_gran_tonight/
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Donald Trump doesn't believe in the eventual flooding of the coasts due to climate change

apparently he doesn't think America can sink any lower either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sz4ab/donald_trump_doesnt_believe_in_the_eventual/
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When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sz1f6/when_does_an_increase_in_degrees_not_lead_to/
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Politicians are like soft poops

They move with a light push, leave a stinky mess behind, and require lots of paper to clean up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9syzgo/politicians_are_like_soft_poops/
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If chocolate milk comes from brown cows then where does skim milk come from?

African cows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9syz79/if_chocolate_milk_comes_from_brown_cows_then/
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Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?

Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9syunc/did_you_know_paul_walker_had_real_bad_dandruff/
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A man is at a job interview. The interviewer asks: What would you say is your greatest strength?

" I'm very sensitive".
And what would you say is your greatest weakness?
" Honesty"
I don't think honesty is a weakness!?
"I don't give a fuck what you think"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sys0m/a_man_is_at_a_job_interview_the_interviewer_asks/
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Three Russian men are sitting together in a train headed to the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9syown/three_russian_men_are_sitting_together_in_a_train/
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What does a Mexican put under his carpet?

Underlay, Underlay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9synge/what_does_a_mexican_put_under_his_carpet/
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I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.

I didn’t show up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sykac/i_told_my_boss_i_was_coming_in_to_work_dressed_as/
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A man is like good quality carpet.

Lay him right the first time, walk all over him for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9syhxm/a_man_is_like_good_quality_carpet/
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I had a dream my father was naked

I had a dream last night that my father was chasing me around but naked dressed as a cigar smoking pirate.
That's the last time I try lucid dreaming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9syhp3/i_had_a_dream_my_father_was_naked/
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A man walks into a bar with his dog

. He orders a drink, and the patron next to him strikes up a conversation.
"Hey, that's a pretty sweet dog. What's his name?"
"Oh, it's Georgie. And you have no idea. This dog can actually talk," responds his owner.
The patron decides to call his bluff. "Oh, bull shit. Here, I'll make you a bet. If your dog can talk I'll give you $1000 on the spot."
So the dog's owner takes him up on it. He kneels down next to his dog and asks him a question. "Georgie, tell me: who's the best baseball player of all time?"
The dog immediately barks "Ruth! Ruth!"
The patron rolls his eyes. "Fuck you and your bullshit. You're not getting a penny from me," he shouts, walking away.
The owner shrugs and looks down at his dog. The dog looks back up and says "DiMaggio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9syew9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_dog/
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Puns about communism aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9syavl/puns_about_communism_arent_funny/
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There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.
The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner.
The third kingdom was very poor and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight.
The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage.
The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9syae2/there_were_three_kingdoms_each_bordering_on_the/
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What did Woody say to Buzz?

A lot. There were three movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sya90/what_did_woody_say_to_buzz/
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Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?

Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sy7ah/anyone_need_a_slutty_costume_for_halloween/
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Alcoholics and necrophiliacs.

What’s the difference between a group of alcoholics and a group of necrophiliacs?
Nothing. They both love to crack a cold one open with the boys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sy71f/alcoholics_and_necrophiliacs/
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What's the worst part about eating platypus soup?

When you get the bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sy64e/whats_the_worst_part_about_eating_platypus_soup/
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I woke up this morning, looked at my penis and said

"hello ween"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sy49p/i_woke_up_this_morning_looked_at_my_penis_and_said/
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How do rednecks celebrate Hallowe'en?

They pumpkin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sy3tu/how_do_rednecks_celebrate_halloween/
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What word do people always pronounce incorrectly?

Incorrectly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxvot/what_word_do_people_always_pronounce_incorrectly/
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My friend’s girlfriend dumped him and is telling everyone he has a small penis.

He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxu7l/my_friends_girlfriend_dumped_him_and_is_telling/
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I've just bought some Monk fish.

The ungrateful cunt didn't didn't even thank me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxse4/ive_just_bought_some_monk_fish/
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How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxrxl/how_do_you_fix_a_broken_pumpkin/
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An athlete walks into a bar

And gets eliminated from the high jump competition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxpd4/an_athlete_walks_into_a_bar/
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(OC) I got a new job at Minute Maid.

I'm working on the Punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxp7l/oc_i_got_a_new_job_at_minute_maid/
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I saw the best Halloween costume. The guy had dirty clothes, dried blood- the works.

“Zombie?” I guessed.
“No. Art major.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxmr1/i_saw_the_best_halloween_costume_the_guy_had/
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My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing

And they're off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxmi5/my_wife_and_kids_are_leaving_me_because_of_my/
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What's the difference between Iron Man an iron woman?

One is a superhero and the other is a simple instruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxm0m/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_an_iron/
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My wife and I are into S&M

She Sleeps, and I Masturbate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxkvb/my_wife_and_i_are_into_sm/
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A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.

The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."
"What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."
They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woman's apartment for some kinky sex.
When they arrive at her apartment she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more uncomfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, holding a whip and handcuffs. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream and a rolling pin.
She notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door to leave.
"What's going on?" she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?"
He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shat in your purse. I'm all done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxknp/a_man_and_a_woman_are_sitting_side_by_side_at_a/
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If your eye hurts after you drink coffee

take the spoon out of the cup!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxf67/if_your_eye_hurts_after_you_drink_coffee/
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A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before!" So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic...

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"
The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can!" and then runs away.
Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return.
So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened.
The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together!"
So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more.
But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxek1/a_lost_dog_strays_into_the_jungle_one_day_from_a/
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If someone gave me a dollar for every woman I have ever satisfied,

I’d owe them 5 bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxe44/if_someone_gave_me_a_dollar_for_every_woman_i/
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Doctor to vegetarian : Where do u feel the pain ?

Vegetarian : from my head tomato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sxa5i/doctor_to_vegetarian_where_do_u_feel_the_pain/
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A Jewish shopkepper is educating his son

"Ethics is the most important aspect of business." he explains.
"What is ethics?" asks his son.
"Imagine that a client comes in and buys a jacket paying with a 100 dollar bill. As he leaves I notice that he gave me two bills that stuck together."
"And now the ethics comes into consideration: Should I tell my partner or not?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sx9ql/a_jewish_shopkepper_is_educating_his_son/
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Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Kiboi?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sx7fe/job_interviewer_and_where_would_you_see_yourself/
%
What do you get if you masturbate today?

A happy, hollow ween!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sx634/what_do_you_get_if_you_masturbate_today/
%
I hear National Impotence Month starts tomorrow...

but I just can't get excited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swz05/i_hear_national_impotence_month_starts_tomorrow/
%
Two clowns were eating a cannibal

One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swyat/two_clowns_were_eating_a_cannibal/
%
When you apply for American citizenship...

When you apply for American citizenship, you have to write a short paper about yourself. Or in other words,
A you essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swx6k/when_you_apply_for_american_citizenship/
%
Why are crocodiles long and green?

Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swrzx/why_are_crocodiles_long_and_green/
%
A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa

He turns on the tv and looks at his wife "quick" he says "get me a beer and some food before it starts!"
The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen in a bit of a daze and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband whom is furiously flicking through channels on the tv.
The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife "quick!" He says "get me another beer before it starts!" The man goes back to flicking channels furiously and stuffing food in his mouth.
The wife stands up looking a bit irritated now, goes through to the kitchen and fetches her husband another beer.
The man hastily grabs the beer from her hand and downs it quickly. He looks back to his wife and says "quick! There might be time for one last beer before it starts!" And goes back to flicking channels on the tv.
The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. She places her hands on her hips and takes a deep breath...
"Now you look here mister! You come home latr, don't even say hello, don't explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn't you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all yoi do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even....
The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. "Damn" he mutters to himself, "it's started".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swqsy/a_man_rushes_home_late_from_work_slams_the_door/
%
A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can...

The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swo82/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_orders_12_shots_and_starts/
%
If glycolosis is the splitting of glucose, and bacteriolysis is the splitting of bacteria...

then what the fuck is analysis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swnyy/if_glycolosis_is_the_splitting_of_glucose_and/
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A freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother.

I mean "another"!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swjn2/a_freudian_slip_is_when_you_mean_one_thing_and/
%
Every time Ted Cruz says something...

is a Ted talk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swdil/every_time_ted_cruz_says_something/
%
Who’s got it better??

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.
Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”
The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swddx/whos_got_it_better/
%
I put adderall in the gas tank of my Ford Fiesta...

...turned it into a Ford Focus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swbtt/i_put_adderall_in_the_gas_tank_of_my_ford_fiesta/
%
What do you call an Indian dating site?

Connect the dots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swbry/what_do_you_call_an_indian_dating_site/
%
Almost every hand you have ever shaken...

... has held a dick in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swbo0/almost_every_hand_you_have_ever_shaken/
%
My friend fell in love with a girl from his primary school so he gave her a big kiss

Now he can't teach there anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swb8e/my_friend_fell_in_love_with_a_girl_from_his/
%
When wasn't Wendy Darling?

When she Peter Pan-ts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swb74/when_wasnt_wendy_darling/
%
I don’t believe in hitting my children as punishment

So I teach them Fortnite dances and send them to school so that other kids can beat them instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9swaj9/i_dont_believe_in_hitting_my_children_as/
%
What do dyslexic zombies eat?

BRIANS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sw7vt/what_do_dyslexic_zombies_eat/
%
When you excel in life...

People start to spreadsheet about you.
.
.
.
.
(I'll show myself out).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sw6n7/when_you_excel_in_life/
%
Did you hear about the husband who found that his wife had run off with the man who installed their security system?

He became quite alarmed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sw2r9/did_you_hear_about_the_husband_who_found_that_his/
%
Sally and her mom

As mom drove sally to her friend's house, Sally asked "mommy mommy how old are you?
mom said, "no no sweetheart ladies don't talk about their age."
"Okay," replied Sally.
one minute goes by
"Mommy mommy how much do you weigh?" asked Sally.
mom said, "no no sweetheart ladies don't talk about their weight."
"Okay," replied Sally.
one minute later
"Mommy mommy why did you and daddy get divorced?" asked Sally.
mom paused for a moment and said, "sweetheart mommy doesn't want to talk about that right now. It hurts mommy."
"Okay," replied Sally.
Sally arrives at her friend's house where she proceeds to explain what transpired on the drive there.
Sally's friend said, "I know what you can do. You can go to her purse and find her drivers license. It's like her report card. It tells you everything."
Sally sneaks into the living room where the parents are talking and finds her mother's drivers license, looks at it for a moment, puts it back, and sneaks back into her friends room.
Later on when Sally and her mother were driving home, Sally grins and looks and her mother and says
"Mommy mommy I know how old you are. You're 42 years old."
Mom replied, "Yes, how do you know that?"
"I just know," said Sally.
"Mommy mommy I know how much you weigh. You're 125 pounds (57 kg)."
Mom replied, "Yes, how do you know that?"
"I just know," said Sally.
"Mommy mommy I know why you and daddy got divorced."
Mom fell silent.
"because you had an F in sex."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9svpk5/sally_and_her_mom/
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I saw a movie about a man who cried every time he masturbated

It was a real tear-jerker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9svo1w/i_saw_a_movie_about_a_man_who_cried_every_time_he/
%
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

El-eph-i-no!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9svm93/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_with_a/
%
Anyone can dress as Micheal Jackson

It don’t matter if you’re black or white

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9svjzx/anyone_can_dress_as_micheal_jackson/
%
Why did Steve Jobs hate arguments with Bill Gates?

He could never WinThose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9svfy2/why_did_steve_jobs_hate_arguments_with_bill_gates/
%
Moose cock

So there was a Canadian and an American in a bar, and they decided to play a drinking game. Each person would have a chance to think of something and the other would ask three question and then have to guess the answer. The American thinks “moose cock”, thinking to himself that his friend will never guess.
The Canadian asks “Can I eat it?”
The American thinks for a moment and replies, “Well yes, I suppose you can eat it.”
The Canadian says, “It’s moose cock, isn’t it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sv39w/moose_cock/
%
Customer service put me on hold, but there was a good orchestra playing.

It was classy-call music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sv2f9/customer_service_put_me_on_hold_but_there_was_a/
%
I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows marijuana so they would be happier and produce more offspring.

I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sv115/i_heard_about_this_farmer_who_was_feeding_his/
%
what do you call an Apple with a rock in it?

Hardcore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9suzef/what_do_you_call_an_apple_with_a_rock_in_it/
%
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"

Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9suz9k/after_watching_star_wars_with_my_son_for_the/
%
Did you know that women do not fart?

You have to keep your mouth shut to build up pressure!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9suuvn/did_you_know_that_women_do_not_fart/
%
I hung out with a homosexual elderly watchmaker the other day

We had a gay old time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9suu5i/i_hung_out_with_a_homosexual_elderly_watchmaker/
%
My favorite sex position is called WOW.

It’s where I flip your MOM over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sutin/my_favorite_sex_position_is_called_wow/
%
My little girl just said to me: Dad, how is progress possible if our growth is stunted by perpetual tribalism and xenophobia?

And I said......Wow, you're a German Shepherd, I didn't know you could do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sut06/my_little_girl_just_said_to_me_dad_how_is/
%
Mickey and Minnie are having relationship troubles.

So they go to a therapist. After a their first session, the therapist said to Mickey, "I don't know why you think Minnie is weird Mickey."
Mickey quickly and angrily replied "I didn't say she was weird! I said she's fuckin' Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sumv5/mickey_and_minnie_are_having_relationship_troubles/
%
I saw a little girl crying

I asked her where her parents were and she said she didn't know.
I love working at the orphanage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sum56/i_saw_a_little_girl_crying/
%
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, "Hey! Are you a superhero!?"

He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sulzb/just_saw_a_guy_running_down_the_road_with_a_cape/
%
When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sukx1/when_you_say_poop_your_mouth_moves_the_same_way/
%
What kind of award do you get for being really lazy?

Atrophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9suidj/what_kind_of_award_do_you_get_for_being_really/
%
Kanye says he's done with politics.

I guess it's the first step towards making America great again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9su5ns/kanye_says_hes_done_with_politics/
%
Why did the magician keep candy bars in his arm pockets?

He always liked to have a few Twix up his sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9su3hx/why_did_the_magician_keep_candy_bars_in_his_arm/
%
You go to a really scary haunted house, what do you wear? Depends....

...No seriously, Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9su1te/you_go_to_a_really_scary_haunted_house_what_do/
%
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

He couldn’t control his pupils

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9su1m4/did_you_hear_about_the_crosseyed_teacher/
%
And older man marries a beautiful younger woman, but has trouble getting it up.

So he goes to his doctor to see if there's anything that can help. The man is worried about taking drugs to help his ED, so the doctor tells him, "Well, there's an experimental surgery where we graft on a muscle from an elephant's trunk." The man gets very excited about this, and they proceed with the surgery.
A while later, the man takes his young wife out for dinner at a fancy restaurant and tells her about his surgery. She's intrigued, but doesn't quite believe him. "Here," he says, "let me demonstrate for you." And he unzips his pants, and his penis reaches up onto the table, grabs a dinner roll, and goes back down under the table.
His wife is amazed! "Do it again!" she says, so once again his penis comes up, grabs a roll, and goes back down.
At this point she's no longer interested in dinner and wants to take his newly enhanced equipment for a test ride, so they ask for the bill. The waiter takes his time bringing it, and while they wait she asks for another demonstration of her husband's newfound skill.
He looks at her sheepishly and says, "My love, I would be happy to, but I don't think I can get another dinner roll up my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9su0bn/and_older_man_marries_a_beautiful_younger_woman/
%
A cartoonist was found dead in his home yesterday.

Police say the details surrounding the case are sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9styp5/a_cartoonist_was_found_dead_in_his_home_yesterday/
%
Having a baby son and a methhead girlfriend at the same time is hard work.

I mean, one keeps shitting on the floor, cries all the time, gets sick constantly and thus costs me a fortune.
Sometimes I feel lucky that my son is a quiet kind of kid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sty9e/having_a_baby_son_and_a_methhead_girlfriend_at/
%
Did you hear about the poor herb farmer?

He was always having to work over thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9stxsb/did_you_hear_about_the_poor_herb_farmer/
%
What’s the difference between an egg, cancer and a blow job? NSFW

You can beat an egg, you can beat cancer but you just can’t beat a blow job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9stsxf/whats_the_difference_between_an_egg_cancer_and_a/
%
Q: Whats the differences between a redneck girl and a fridge?

A: The fridge doesn't fart when you take you meat out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9stqi9/q_whats_the_differences_between_a_redneck_girl/
%
I bought a 3 foot long skeleton arm for my Halloween decoration today.

The store assistant asked me, 'Are you going to put it up yourself?'
'No, you sick fuck, it's going in my living room,' I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9stpjx/i_bought_a_3_foot_long_skeleton_arm_for_my/
%
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two

but didn’t have a lot of money  between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!"
Murphy  replied, "Don’t worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he  immediately ordered two pints of Guiness and two glasses of Jamieson  Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don’t worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They  downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I’ll stick the sausage through  my zipper and then you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The  bartender noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They  continued this act pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for  free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don’t think I can do any  more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin" me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third pub!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9stp4h/shamus_and_murphy_fancied_a_pint_or_two/
%
If a girl has red hair, it makes up for other personality flaws

I call it the “Red Head Redemption”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sto5g/if_a_girl_has_red_hair_it_makes_up_for_other/
%
Without a doubt my favourite Robin Williams movie is

Mrs. Fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9stlbr/without_a_doubt_my_favourite_robin_williams_movie/
%
How many policeman does it take to change a lightbulb

none they just beat the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9stiki/how_many_policeman_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Don't dismiss homeopathy.

It has been proven to reduce swelling of the wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9stgn2/dont_dismiss_homeopathy/
%
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I'm just glad I live in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9stbtk/call_me_a_racist_if_you_want_but_south_of_the/
%
What’s a witch’s favorite subject in school?

Spelling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9st7ss/whats_a_witchs_favorite_subject_in_school/
%
What do you call horny waterfalls?

Viagra-falls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9st76g/what_do_you_call_horny_waterfalls/
%
I am thinking about hosting an invitation only nudist party...

It's going to be a private gathering...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9st31x/i_am_thinking_about_hosting_an_invitation_only/
%
Damn Millennials

Walking around like they rent the place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9st1nv/damn_millennials/
%
My dad just told me this, Im sure you guys have never heard it before

Passenger: I've never been on an airplane
Pilot: yeah, me neither

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9st1an/my_dad_just_told_me_this_im_sure_you_guys_have/
%
An aide walks into the oval office...

He says to Trump: "Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this. He sinks back in his chair, then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ssym6/an_aide_walks_into_the_oval_office/
%
Good thing the Space Race ended when it did.

If it went all the way to Mars, the Soviets would have easily got to the Red Planet first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sswdg/good_thing_the_space_race_ended_when_it_did/
%
So I lost one of the prongs of my fork.

Now I have a threek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sss4z/so_i_lost_one_of_the_prongs_of_my_fork/
%
When you turn off auto correct

ALL LOPE IS HOST!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ssq16/when_you_turn_off_auto_correct/
%
If everyone flushes their toilets at the same time...

Shit would go down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ssnad/if_everyone_flushes_their_toilets_at_the_same_time/
%
Two Nuns Driving

Two nuns driving through Transilvania when suddenly a Vampire drops onto the bonnet of the car, snarling.
Paniced, one nun turns to the other and says:
"quick! Get out and show him your cross"
So the other nun jumps out the car, faces the Vampire and says:
"Get off the fucking car, you cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ssmqh/two_nuns_driving/
%
Will I understand A Star Is Born?

If I haven't seen any of the other Bourne movies?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ssj5b/will_i_understand_a_star_is_born/
%
What do you call a hooker with a gluten intolerance

A pasta-toot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sshno/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_gluten/
%
My friend really changed when she became vegetarian...

It was like I’d never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ssczp/my_friend_really_changed_when_she_became/
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[LONG][POLITICAL]An Updated Oldie: Hillary Clinton is praying to God one night & asks, 'God, will a gay person ever be elected President?'

God actually replies to her, 'Not in your lifetime, Hillary'.
Astounded, she asks, 'God, will a black person ever be elected as President again?' Once again, God replied, 'Not in your lifetime, Hillary'.
So she pauses for a moment, thinks, & asks, 'Well, will *I* ever be elected President?'
And God started laughing & said, 'Not in *My* lifetime, Hillary!!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ss9ra/longpoliticalan_updated_oldie_hillary_clinton_is/
%
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ss7q2/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
%
What did the egg say to the boiling pot of water?

"It might take me a few minutes to get hard, I just got laid this morning"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ss6sh/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_pot_of_water/
%
I was just diagnosed as color blind.

It came completely out of the green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ss4j1/i_was_just_diagnosed_as_color_blind/
%
What is r/jokes favorite Halloween costume?

Repost Malone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ss4h6/what_is_rjokes_favorite_halloween_costume/
%
What did Arnold say when he decided to dress up as a baroque era composer?

I'll be Bach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ss426/what_did_arnold_say_when_he_decided_to_dress_up/
%
You know the best part about being the only person at the gym that uses a speed bag?

There’s no punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ss3ky/you_know_the_best_part_about_being_the_only/
%
A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.

They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back with 10 pieces of the same fruit." So the men break off and search for fruit.
First one comes back with a 10 apples. The chief says "If you can shove those up your ass without making a sound, we wont eat you." He barely fits the one before he whimpers in pain so the cannibals eat him. Now the second guy makes it back with a 10 cherries. Chief says "Like I told the last guy, if you can shove those up your ass without a sound, you can live." Its going pretty well, and the man has only a few left when he suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably, so they eat him.
Now the spirits of the two dead men meet in heaven, and the first says "Man you were so close! Why would you start laughing?!?" The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ss2z0/a_plane_went_down_over_the_ocean_and_three_of_the/
%
Another guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm.

Barman says "what's with this octopus?"
"This is the sick squid I owe you." Says the guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ss1op/another_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus/
%
Jimmy’s prosthetics arm got stolen...

... So he called the police and filed a theft report for the stolen prosthetic arm.
Two days later, jimmy received a call from the police informing him that the stolen was found and is awaiting pick up.
They also informed him that the perpetrator in question was arrested and charged with arms dealing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9srzhy/jimmys_prosthetics_arm_got_stolen/
%
In school, we had a project to make a billboard for something we liked, so I made one for this sub.

But the teacher gave me a zero because it was a reposterboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9srzfa/in_school_we_had_a_project_to_make_a_billboard/
%
An Arab, a Mexican, and an American are having drinks in a bar.

When the Mexican finishes his tequila, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his arak, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
The American, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his AR-15, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says:
"In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9srw0m/an_arab_a_mexican_and_an_american_are_having/
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What do unvaccinated kids and jokes about anti-vaxxers have in common?

They both never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9srv2z/what_do_unvaccinated_kids_and_jokes_about/
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First Time

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9srrqx/first_time/
%
Two men walk into a bar

You think at least one of them would have seen it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sro11/two_men_walk_into_a_bar/
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*in the park*

Stranger: your dog is kind of unusual looking
Me: haha yeah he’s interbred
Duck: \*waddles up\* I’ll tell you who else is into bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9srlyu/in_the_park/
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A recent study shows that 9/10 men prefer women with big boobs.

I think the 10th one prefers the other 9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9srl8v/a_recent_study_shows_that_910_men_prefer_women/
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What do you call a child that grew up in a whorehouse?

A brothel sprout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9srjum/what_do_you_call_a_child_that_grew_up_in_a/
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I’m keeping my cast on as long as I can.

The doctor said if I keep it on, I’ll get a trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9srife/im_keeping_my_cast_on_as_long_as_i_can/
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Smartass

Student: mister steven  could I ask you a question
Teacher: Yes of course
Student:how do you put an elephant inside a fridge
Teacher: I don’t know
Student: just open the fridge and put it in.ok I have another question
Teacher: ok ask
Student: how do you put a donkey in a fridge
Teacher: just open the fridge and put it in
Student: no first you take out the elephant and then you put the donkey in
Teacher: ffs
Student: let me ask another one, what if a lion threw a party and all animals were invited but one went missing
Teacher: the lion would eat a deer or something
Student: no the donkey cause it’s still in the fridge
Teacher: are you fucking kidding me
Student: no sir
Teacher: .........
Student: ok one last question
Teacher: alright then
Student: if there was a river where crocodiles live and you wanted to cross it. How would you do that
Teacher: i would need a boat for that
Student: no you just swim cause all the crocodiles are a the lion’s party
Teacher:...........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9srhz6/smartass/
%
An officer was at a gas station grabbing some coffee...

When a guy smoking at the gas pump hands caught fire. The guy runs into the store waving his hands causing the fire to spread up his shirt toward his shoulders as he’s shouting at the attendant to help him. Suddenly the cop pulls his weapon and shoots the man dead.
The attendant looks at the cop and says why did you do that?
The cop replies, “ma’am, I had no choice. He was brandishing fire arms.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9srh4c/an_officer_was_at_a_gas_station_grabbing_some/
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Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9srfl7/now_that_weed_is_legal_in_canada/
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Disney World is like losing your virginity.

You wait ages for a ride and it’s over in 30 seconds... or less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9srfjo/disney_world_is_like_losing_your_virginity/
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Alphabetti Spaghetti makes a handy ouija board...

...for contacting people who've pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9src27/alphabetti_spaghetti_makes_a_handy_ouija_board/
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What do you call a whore contemplating her life choices in the shower?

A Shower THOT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sr83e/what_do_you_call_a_whore_contemplating_her_life/
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What did Cinderella do when she finally reached the ball?

Gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sr41m/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_finally_reached/
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What do you get a when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sr3do/what_do_you_get_a_when_you_divide_the/
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Boss: Hey, why are you late for work third time this week!?

Me: Um....'cause it's wednesday?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sr2i3/boss_hey_why_are_you_late_for_work_third_time/
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Why is E.T. Trump's favourite movie?

Because the alien returned home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sr1nj/why_is_et_trumps_favourite_movie/
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"Mega-" is a prefix meaning "million"....

...and "micro" is a prefix meaning "millionth".
So, a megaphone would be one trillion microphones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sqrxz/mega_is_a_prefix_meaning_million/
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What did Paul Manafort say when he accidentally bumped into Donald Trump?

"Pardon me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sqqjh/what_did_paul_manafort_say_when_he_accidentally/
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It's John the mailman's last day on duty.

John has been a mailman for a very long time and the day has finally come where he will deliver the mail for a one last time.
As per usual he goes to the post office to pick up his bag filled with mail and off he goes on that oh so familiar path one last time.
As he stops by the first house, the entire family who lived there have gathered to wish him good luck with his future endeavours and they had a small gift prepared for him as a token of appreciation for his service.
John was so happy and grateful about it, he couldn't imagine his last day on duty would be so wholesome.
At the 2nd house he is again met by the entire family wishing him all the best and saying how they'll miss him, and they also had a present for him, he couldn't believe it, he was so happy about it.
As he approached the 3rd house he sees a gorgeous blonde standing on the porch wearing very provocative clothes, waving at him. As soon as he gets on the porch she grabs him by the hand and takes him up stairs in the bedroom where they have fantastic sex for nearly 3 hours! Once done she takes him down in the kitchen and fixes him up some breakfast. Bacon, eggs, toast and a cup of coffee. Still in disbelief about the unfolding situation John grabs the mug to take a sip of coffee, upon lifting the mug he sees a $5 bill tucked underneath.
Even more confused he asks:
- Excuse me miss, the sex was fantastic and the breakfast looks delicious, but what is the $5 for ?
- I was talking to my husband about what to get you last night, and he said "Oh fuck John, just give him a fiver" and the breakfast was my idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sqmtx/its_john_the_mailmans_last_day_on_duty/
%
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket

and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sqmbq/a_man_approached_a_very_beautiful_woman_in_the/
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I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sqj9n/i_dont_believe_in_hitting_my_children_as/
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I lost my mood ring today...

But I'm not sure how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sqb4h/i_lost_my_mood_ring_today/
%
It really annoys me when Americans act like they cracked the secret of Nazi codes when they took the Enigma machine off U-751.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sq8lf/it_really_annoys_me_when_americans_act_like_they/
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How did the child with ADD find out his parents were racist?

They sent him to a concentration camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sq7uz/how_did_the_child_with_add_find_out_his_parents/
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Why is it so hard to solve a murder in West Virginia?

There’s no dental records, and the DNA’s all the same!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sq526/why_is_it_so_hard_to_solve_a_murder_in_west/
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If a midget smokes weed...

does he get high or medium?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sq4ja/if_a_midget_smokes_weed/
%
Trump book

Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sq3oa/trump_book/
%
Me and my wife were happy for 28 years...

Then we met each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sq1x3/me_and_my_wife_were_happy_for_28_years/
%
Some Feminist write women as Womyn.

Just another example of how they hate letting men finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9spuqs/some_feminist_write_women_as_womyn/
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I learned a new guitar fingering technique and used it on A minor

Today I got sent to prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9spunw/i_learned_a_new_guitar_fingering_technique_and/
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A blonde visits a doctor... (NSFW)

A blonde visits a doctor and upon being inquired by the doctor of her predicament, says, "I seem to have a pain inside my ass. It feels a bit sore and I can't seem to get rid of it."
Taking note of her problem, the doctor requests the blonde to discard her shorts and bend over the bed by the corner of the room. Situating himself behind her, he puts on his gloves in preparation for a rectal exam.
Placing his finger by the edge of her anus, the doctor inquires, "Is the pain here?"
"No, doctor. It's inside." replies the blonde.
"Okay," says the doctor as he pushes his probing finger inside. "Here?"
"No, doctor. You'll have to go deeper."
"Alright. Here?" Asks the doctor as he pushes his finger deeper inside.
"Nope. Deeper."
Listening to the blonde's feedback, the doctor pushes further deeper.
"Here?"
"Nope." And the doctor pushes deeper once again.
"Here?"
"No, doctor. Deeper."
This goes on for a number of times as the doctor keeps pushing deeper and deeper until finally, the patient rejoices.
"Yes, doctor. You've finally found it!"
Sighing deeply, the doctor pulls out and stands up.
"So? What is it?" The blonde stands up as well and turns around, awaiting an answer impatiently.
"You have a sore throat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9spqxz/a_blonde_visits_a_doctor_nsfw/
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What do a thong and Donald Trump's toupee have in common?

They both barely cover an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9spq9f/what_do_a_thong_and_donald_trumps_toupee_have_in/
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I told my 13 year old son about masturbation today...

He’s a newcomer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9spppc/i_told_my_13_year_old_son_about_masturbation_today/
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How many Trump supporters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What light bulb? There is no light bulb and never was. Liberals broke the light bulb. Fake news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9spoxl/how_many_trump_supporters_does_it_take_to_screw/
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A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9spmaa/a_man_receives_a_phone_call_from_his_doctor_the/
%
A pastor is walking down a path

When he spots a young boy, frantically lifting hay bales onto an upended cart.  The boy is sweating profusely, and the pastor says to him:  "Son, you are working very hard, very hard indeed.  It is a hot day, perhaps you should take a rest?"
"Oh no, sir, my father would not like that.  I must continue"
"The sun is hot, and those bales are heavy, surely your father would not mind you taking a small respite in the shade?"
"Oh no, sir, I cannot.  My father would be really upset if I did that"
"Young man, you are drenched in sweat!  Where is your father, I will speak to him at once!"
"Under the hay, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9splac/a_pastor_is_walking_down_a_path/
%
What do you call XXXTentacions coffin?

An Xbox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sphgv/what_do_you_call_xxxtentacions_coffin/
%
Yesterday, a laptop cost $450. Today, it's on sale... for $450.

That makes 0 cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9spefs/yesterday_a_laptop_cost_450_today_its_on_sale_for/
%
What do baseball pitchers and TSA agents have in common?

Fireworks go off in the sky if they do their job incorrectly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9spciz/what_do_baseball_pitchers_and_tsa_agents_have_in/
%
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9spb06/as_he_inserted_the_rectal_thermometer_i_got_a/
%
There are three things I hate most in life...

People who can't do simple math, and irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sp7i1/there_are_three_things_i_hate_most_in_life/
%
Husband: I’ve lost all feeling that’s in the nerve of my butt

Wife: are you serious?
Husband: Deadass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sp6iq/husband_ive_lost_all_feeling_thats_in_the_nerve/
%
I adopted a pet rock from the rescue shelter...

They told me he's had a hard life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sp3oe/i_adopted_a_pet_rock_from_the_rescue_shelter/
%
I asked the librarian for level 5 programming books.

Instead he gave me some programming 101 book. I don't why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sp0fu/i_asked_the_librarian_for_level_5_programming/
%
You should never try to eat a clock..

Because it’s time consuming..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9soy62/you_should_never_try_to_eat_a_clock/
%
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sojb4/im_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
What’s the difference between Ronaldo and time?

Time passes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9soj07/whats_the_difference_between_ronaldo_and_time/
%
Snakes and condoms,

Two things I'll never fuck with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sofhu/snakes_and_condoms/
%
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates

They kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9soebi/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.

When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9so8rv/my_dad_said_i_could_carve_pumpkins_on_the_kitchen/
%
If you have sex with girls from many different countries...

...are you a clitourist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9snz1f/if_you_have_sex_with_girls_from_many_different/
%
TIFU by downloading a movie from an arabic website. The language was dubbed.

And before you all go on saying wrong sub, well, yes, that was arabic too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9snyuc/tifu_by_downloading_a_movie_from_an_arabic/
%
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories.

so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.  A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.  "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.  "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"  "A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man.  He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9snrit/an_elderly_couple_had_been_experiencing_declining/
%
Who is Bruce Lee's dwarf brother?

Gim Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9snqps/who_is_bruce_lees_dwarf_brother/
%
If men are from Mars, and women are from Venus...

Then all the other genders must be from Pluto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9snqha/if_men_are_from_mars_and_women_are_from_venus/
%
Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever heard from a guitar in your life. Sax player walks up and puts down his saxophone. Tentacles start flying, and the next thing you know, he's playing the saxophone like a master. At the back of the bar is an old Scottish man, who walks up in his kilt and lays a bagpipe in front of the octopus. Tentacles start flying, but no noise is happening. The guy, nervous, says "come on octopus, what's going on?" Octopus goes "dude, I'm trying to get her pajamas off, you mind?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9snno4/guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus_under_his_arm/
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To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9snn0o/to_celebrate_shakespeares_birthday_this_year/
%
I named my dog "5 Miles"...

So I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9snm8a/i_named_my_dog_5_miles/
%
How many Vietnam veterans does it take yo change a lightbulb?

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9snm3g/how_many_vietnam_veterans_does_it_take_yo_change/
%
Apple CEO Tim Cook says he came out of the closet 'to prove you can be gay and do big jobs.'

I thought Big Jobs died in 2011.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9snig5/apple_ceo_tim_cook_says_he_came_out_of_the_closet/
%
My friend thinks he's so smart, he said onions are the only food that make you cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sncmq/my_friend_thinks_hes_so_smart_he_said_onions_are/
%
A police man pulled over a miner.

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do.
Miner: mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9snayq/a_police_man_pulled_over_a_miner/
%
What do midgets and dwarves have in common?

Very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9snap7/what_do_midgets_and_dwarves_have_in_common/
%
Five boys lined up for a race

The starter said “1,2,3 GO!!”
Three of the boys raced away but two boys stayed put
The starter asked “Why didn’t you guys run?”
One of the boys replied “You said 1,2,3 go, didn’t say nothing about me and number 5”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sn8pj/five_boys_lined_up_for_a_race/
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How do you call the money earned by a sewage company?

Gross Profit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sn8pi/how_do_you_call_the_money_earned_by_a_sewage/
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Me: Do you want to hear the cruel things people are saying about you?

Elephant Man: I'm all ears.
Me: Yes, that's one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sn8ii/me_do_you_want_to_hear_the_cruel_things_people/
%
Why was the musician arrested?

He was caught fingering A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sn5rh/why_was_the_musician_arrested/
%
Little Timmy asked his mother why American government keeps sending their soldiers to Middle East

His mother said," You see the beef on the table? Grab it and put it in the fridge."
After Timmy did what her mother told him to do , her mother said, "Now take it out and put it on the table." and Timmy did it. Then his mother said," Now  put the beef in the fridge again." After doing that , with a confused mind and a pair of greasy hands, little Timmy told his mother," I don't see the reason why are we doing this ." and his mother answered,"It doesn't matter what the reasons are, just tell me what's in your hands now after all the things you did ."
"Nothing but oil." Timmy replied.
(Sorry for the shitty English)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sn5k5/little_timmy_asked_his_mother_why_american/
%
Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a redditor a joke, he will say it is a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sn5fp/tell_a_man_a_joke_he_will_laugh_for_a_day/
%
Why does the Norway military ships have barcodes?

So they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sn0je/why_does_the_norway_military_ships_have_barcodes/
%
A stormy night.

A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push.
"No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face.
"Who was that?" calls his wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!"
" You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him."
Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain.
"Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?"
"Yes, please", comes the reply.
"Where are you?" the husband calls out.
"Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9smxxw/a_stormy_night/
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A man gets the words "I love you" tatooed on his penis and goes home to show his wife

His wife replies, "honey, don't try to put words into my mouth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9smxu1/a_man_gets_the_words_i_love_you_tatooed_on_his/
%
TIFU by eating my coworker's lunch...

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9smuu4/tifu_by_eating_my_coworkers_lunch/
%
Dark humor is like food

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9smuqv/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
What’s the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9smtej/whats_the_opposite_of_irony/
%
A man walks into a Dr.’s office with a duck on his head.

The Dr. asks, “May I help you?” The duck says, “Yeah – get this guy out of my ass!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9smsp7/a_man_walks_into_a_drs_office_with_a_duck_on_his/
%
What do you call a skeleton in a closet?

A hide and seek winner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sms5j/what_do_you_call_a_skeleton_in_a_closet/
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What's black and long and has the ability to make any woman fall on the floor?

A police baton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9smqbu/whats_black_and_long_and_has_the_ability_to_make/
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I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”

Thankfully it was just a virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9smnsb/i_accidentally_clicked_on_a_popup_link_that_said/
%
I just want to give a quick shout-out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9smng9/i_just_want_to_give_a_quick_shoutout_to_sidewalks/
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What do you call conspicuous policemen on a stealth mission?

Overt cops on covert ops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9smcqz/what_do_you_call_conspicuous_policemen_on_a/
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A pirate walks into a bar.

Orders a double Rum.
Bartender takes a second look at him and says, "Umm.. Sorry but  I couldn't help but notice that you have a ships steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants..."
”Aaaarrrr.... Ye'ar correct.  It's beeen drivin' me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9smbgv/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.

On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9smbbe/my_wife_is_furious_at_me_for_throwing_a_snowball/
%
TIFU by doing BDSM with my wife's sister, when she suddenly walked into our activity

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9smb6v/tifu_by_doing_bdsm_with_my_wifes_sister_when_she/
%
A Boss tricked his secretary

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?"
She responds, "The bastard used COINS! I'm still picking and he is still fucking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sm6h4/a_boss_tricked_his_secretary/
%
What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?

***Wataaaaah!***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sm1qo/what_is_bruce_lees_favorite_drink/
%
A friend of mine was very depressed

he owed $1000 to a loan shark and his family were going to be kicked out on the street the following day. He drove to the edge of a cliff and parked there, his head resting on the steering wheel. All the nice people there had a whip-round and they got him his $1000. Good thing his bus was full that day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sly0o/a_friend_of_mine_was_very_depressed/
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What's 25 inches long and hanging between Putin's legs?

Trump's necktie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9slvrs/whats_25_inches_long_and_hanging_between_putins/
%
A little boy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday....

A little boy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
"What happened, my child?"
"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."
"Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9slueu/a_little_boy_with_two_black_eyes_walks_into/
%
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."
I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know."
He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving."
The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sltb5/a_friend_of_mine_who_was_an_officer_invited_me/
%
Little Lisa was with her mom on the bus when a fat woman gets on the bus...

Loudly she says:
"Mom look how fat she is, she must eat a lot of pancakes!"
Ashamed the mother firmly tells Little Lisa, that you can't say stuff like that.
One week later they encounter a fat man on the, and again Little Lisa says:
"Mom look! He surely likes pancake with that tummy!"
Again ashamed the mother tells Little Lisa that you can't say stuff like that.
The week after a pregnant woman gets on the bus. Thinking she has it figured out by now Little Lisa yells :
"Mom look! That woman surely likes to put something in her! And it starts with a P!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sls4y/little_lisa_was_with_her_mom_on_the_bus_when_a/
%
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:

"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment".
The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9slqma/a_woman_looks_into_the_mirror_and_says_to_her/
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I hate people who use the same word twice in the same sentence.

Enough is enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9slje3/i_hate_people_who_use_the_same_word_twice_in_the/
%
What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9slhuw/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_walking_down/
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Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her "If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?" Mother in-law yells "the mother!"

Wife - "Then come clean up your drunk son!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9slfdn/wife_calls_her_mother_inlaw_and_asks_her_if_your/
%
I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower...

They all replied "How did you get in here??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sleay/i_asked_100_girls_what_shampoo_they_prefer_to_use/
%
So i just moved in with my horse girlfriend

You could call it a stable relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9slbr1/so_i_just_moved_in_with_my_horse_girlfriend/
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The golden urinal

Late one night, a husband returned home from the bar. His wife woke up, and turned on the lights, angry her husband was out late drinking again.
“Where were you”
“Just wait, Honey! I can explain. I didn’t go to my normal bar tonight. I went to this really fancy one with urinals made of gold”
The wife was skeptical. She didn’t buy it.
The husband responded, “here’s the number. Call them and ask”
So she decides to call, and asks, “do you have golden urinals”
The bartender puts down the phone, and shouts across the bar
“Hey Jim! I think I know who peed in your saxophone!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sl5gt/the_golden_urinal/
%
Have you heard about the man who dreamt he was packing his parachute in preparation for a jump?

His wife had to be rushed to the hospital with half of the bedsheets stuffed up her ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sl0m6/have_you_heard_about_the_man_who_dreamt_he_was/
%
A woman bursts into her man's room, holding a ticket...

She yell's "I just won 15 million dollars in the powerball Harold! Pack your bags!"
The husband jumps out of his seat "Oh my god! Should I pack for Hot or Cold weather!?"
The wife replies "I don't give a fuck just get the hell out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9skzxm/a_woman_bursts_into_her_mans_room_holding_a_ticket/
%
A man finds a lamp in the sand . . .

He rubs it and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.
Now the man is smart, so he knows that the genie will twist his wishes around on him. He's also depressed, so he doesn't mind *too* much if things go really bad. So he decides to se if he can use some reverse psychology on the genie.
"I won't lie," the man said, "I came to this beach to kill myself. I wish I was dead."
"Your wish is my command," says the genie, and he snaps his fingers.
The next thing the man knows he is crossing the street and he gets hit by a bus. Everything goes black.
Later on he wakes up in the hospital. He is in bad shape. The nurse tells him he was dead for five minutes before the paramedics were able to restart his heart. The nurse ends up being assigned to the man for physical therapy. They fall in love and get married. The nurse's brother is a lawyer and takes the man's case, winning millions from the transit authority. He and his new bride buy a big house and fancy cars.
One day the man finds the lamp in his back yard. He rubs it and the genie emerges, telling him he has two more wishes. The man figures his plan is going pretty well, so he decides to try something similar.
"I wish that I were penniless."
The genie snaps his fingers. The next thing the man knows he is walking out of a casino. He looks in his wallet and sees nothing but a two dollar bill. He goes to an ATM and sees that his accounts are all empty. He checks his email and sees that he borrowed against the equity in his cars and his house to finance his night of gambling. His credit cards are maxed out.  Without really thinking about it he walks into a convenience store and spends his last two dollars on the lottery. Calculating the odds of winning, he realizes that his present net worth is less than a penny.
That night the lottery draws winning numbers. The man wins a cool Billion dollars.
A few days later the man finds the lamp in a park. He rubs it and the genie tells him he has one more wish.
The man racks his brain. He tries to think of the most awful, horrific thing he can imagine. He puzzles over it for a long time when the answer occurs to him. He looks at the genie.
"I wish I were a Browns fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9skuik/a_man_finds_a_lamp_in_the_sand/
%
Why did the chicken go to the seance?

to get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9skuf7/why_did_the_chicken_go_to_the_seance/
%
All he wanted was a delicious meal.

One day a tourist went into a restaurant in Spain. A server walked by with the most amazing smelling meal with two large pieces of meat sizzling on a platter. He promptly asked his waiter what it was and was told "That's the balls of the bull from tonight's fight." Then the tourist asked if he could order it and was told that it's only the one order, so it's sold out but he could reserve the next nights. He returns the next night excited for his meal and was brought out two very small bites and is obviously confused. Asking his waiter "Why is it so small? I saw them last night and it looked amazing." The waiter replied "Well sometimes the bull wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9skp7q/all_he_wanted_was_a_delicious_meal/
%
Why do midgets laugh when they run?

The grass tickles their balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9skij2/why_do_midgets_laugh_when_they_run/
%
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing.

The car is new or the wife is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9skhu0/when_a_man_opens_the_car_door_for_his_wife_you/
%
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can't feel it anymore

and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9skh55/til_if_you_sit_on_your_hand_until_you_cant_feel/
%
Three blondes are walking through a forest...

When they discover a set of tracks.
The first blonde says “these are deer tracks”
The second blonde says “these are bear tracks”
The third blonde says “you are both wrong, these are coyote tracks”
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9skem3/three_blondes_are_walking_through_a_forest/
%
What did the phone say to the cell tower?

Thank you for your service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9skdz7/what_did_the_phone_say_to_the_cell_tower/
%
This young lady got tired of the losers she's been meeting in the dating scene.

One day, out of frustration, she posts an ad in the local personals;
"I'm looking for an honest man. One who is witty, won't hit me, and won't run around on me, and is good in bed."
Several days passed and there was no response, so she forgot about it.
Two weeks later, her doorbell rings, and on answering, she's surprised to see a man on her porch, with no arms or legs.
'Hello", he introduces himself.."I'm sorry it took me so long to respond to your ad, but as you can see, getting around can be a challenge. I responded to your ad because I'm the perfect man for you."
Now amused, the woman asks, "Ok, so how are you the perfect man for me?"
"Well, as I told you earlier about my difficulty getting here, you know I'm honest."
"And since I have no arms, I would never hit you."
"And since I have no legs, I would never run around on you."
After a brief moment, the woman asks, "And what about being good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9skdkn/this_young_lady_got_tired_of_the_losers_shes_been/
%
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself, "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog at full speed.
The dog notices and starts to panic, but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea... he says loudly, "Mmmm...that was some good lion meat!"
The lion abruptly stops and thinks, " Whoa! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can."
Over on one of the tree tops, a monkey witnessed everything.
The monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together!"
So they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them, realizes what happened and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts, "Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sk9n9/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
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There’s a sucker born every minute

Swallowers are harder to find

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sk7s4/theres_a_sucker_born_every_minute/
%
A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians...

In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you.  But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one  each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day.  So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?"
"Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered.  They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off.  That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding.  The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex..."
The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again.  "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?"
"Just bring me my horse."  Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off.  That evening the horse returned with a redhead.  As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex.
On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die.  What do you want for your last wish?"
"Just bring me my horse."  With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth.  The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sk2kd/a_cowboy_was_captured_by_a_tribe_of_indians/
%
A blonde woman walks into a clinic

"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sk231/a_blonde_woman_walks_into_a_clinic/
%
Bill worked in a pickle factory

for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his dick into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill swears to overcome this desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely white. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my dick into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sk1pm/bill_worked_in_a_pickle_factory/
%
Why did Red Riding Hood stop running from the Big Bad Wolf?

She was tired of being chaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sjt4b/why_did_red_riding_hood_stop_running_from_the_big/
%
An american farmer visits Germany

In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer.
"Are you a farmer?" he asks the man.
"Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies.
"How big is your farm?" the american enquires.
"Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going.
"Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home"
The german looks up from his beer and replies:
"Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sjr3t/an_american_farmer_visits_germany/
%
Cops on prowl?

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sjlpv/cops_on_prowl/
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[NSFW] What's 12 inches long and can make a woman scream like hell?

Still birth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sjkup/nsfw_whats_12_inches_long_and_can_make_a_woman/
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Black testicles

When I was nursing, a poor old gentleman lying flat on the bed, wearing an oxygen mask asked me “Are my testicles black?”
So I pulled back the covers and raised his gown to take a look.
All seemed normal and I was puzzled as to why they’d be black when he was admitted with a lung problem.
I cheerfully told him “You’ve nothing to worry about, Sir. Everything looks normal to me”.
And then he pulled of his oxygen mask, smirking and asked me clearly “Are my test results back?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sjk1z/black_testicles/
%
I asked my rooster what he wanted to drink....

Diet Coke’l dooooo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sjg0f/i_asked_my_rooster_what_he_wanted_to_drink/
%
A woman walks into a lawyer's office...

A woman walks into a lawyer's office and says, "I want to sue a band. They stole a song I wrote, and I can prove I wrote it."
"I might be able to help you," says the lawyer. "What band was it?"
"U2," she replies.
The lawyer shakes his head and says, "Sorry, ma'am, but I only work pro-Bono."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sje95/a_woman_walks_into_a_lawyers_office/
%
Me and my wife are doing workshops.

I work, she shops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sjcvb/me_and_my_wife_are_doing_workshops/
%
Why do cows have hoves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sjbyk/why_do_cows_have_hoves_instead_of_feet/
%
A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization.

Due to a tragic experience as a child, he refuses to eat meat; he says the idea of eating what was once a living animal disgusts him and he could never enjoy eating meat.  According to his map, the nearest town would take several days to walk to.  While he's been able to get fresh water due to rain, food has been a struggle to find.  None of the plants are edible and he refuses to kill and eat any animals.
Several days pass and his hunger is starting to get to him.  He realizes he must eat something to survive.  He sees a bird, throws a rock at it and kills it.  He sets up a fire and cooks the bird.  He takes a bite and he's in love.  A man who vowed to never eat meat is now enjoying this now dead bird.  With tears running down his face, he cries out "I'm eating crow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sja82/a_strict_vegetarian_crashes_his_plane_in_the/
%
Restaurant outing.

Husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant…
As the food was served, Husband said:
“The Food looks delicious, let’s eat.”
Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That’s at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sj81b/restaurant_outing/
%
There's this guy that gets suicidal everytime one of his pets dies.

So he goes to a therapist to see if he can conquer the emotional response. After several sessions his therapist tells him to get a porpoise. They're normal lifespan will allow for him to pass on before the porpoise would.
He also tells the guy that he must feed this porpoise baby seagulls to insure it's longevity.
So the guy builds a pool suitable for his porpoise and goes out to capture his first baby seagulls.
After the porpoise arrives, everything goes great. The two bond quickly, the guy is happy as he's ever been, and has no worries about losing another pet. He even calls his therapist to thank him for the great advice.
It isn't too long, however, before he's having to go further and further out to find baby seagulls to feed the porpoise. They become nearly day long journeys.
One day, when he's going out farther than he's ever gone before, a lion escapes from the state zoo. Not a local zoo, but the state zoo that is close to his house.
The guy gets back to his house, baby seagulls bagged and slung across his shoulder only to find a freaking lion lying across the sidewalk going up to his door, sound asleep.
Not knowing what to do, but knowing that he's wickedly late on feeding time, he girds his loins and tries to quietly step across the lion.
He gets one foot down when a cop car pulls up with it's sirens blaring and lights flashing. The cops jump out of the car, guns drawn, and immediately tell him to, "FREEZE! You are crossing the state lion with underage gulls for immortal porpoises!"
(sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sj74v/theres_this_guy_that_gets_suicidal_everytime_one/
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Did you hear about the blind urologist who had trouble finding his patient's penis?

You gotta hand it to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sj2ib/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_urologist_who_had/
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Wife: You’re not even listening to me, are you?

Me: What a weird way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sj1ju/wife_youre_not_even_listening_to_me_are_you/
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A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where the f\*\*\* is my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sixpv/a_man_in_an_interrogation_room_says_im_not_saying/
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What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sirw7/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
I bought an album, and called my friend who has a weird fetish for new music.

He came as soon as he heard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9siqly/i_bought_an_album_and_called_my_friend_who_has_a/
%
A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."
Patient: "I want a second opinion!"
Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sidwg/a_man_has_a_sore_throat_and_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear.

I don't know whether it's because the whole family was watching, because the underwear was still on, or because I was drooling over over the coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sidi9/a_friend_got_mad_at_me_for_smelling_his_sisters/
%
"Bevky I feel like you're treating one of your kids worse than the others"

"What ? Which one do you mean ? Tommy, Lisa or the fat one ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sicoy/bevky_i_feel_like_youre_treating_one_of_your_kids/
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A man entered a restaurant

and sat at the only open table. As he sat  down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter  reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on  the table. The diner was impressed, and asked, "Do all the waiters carry  spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. We had an  efficiency expert here that determined that 17.8% of our diners knock  the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips  to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the  waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you  have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all  do. That same efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our  time washing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of that  string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string  to get my tool out of my pants, go, and then return to work. Having  never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of  time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your  penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but  I use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9si6bk/a_man_entered_a_restaurant/
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A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat

and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the furry fella out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9si5n1/a_man_absolutely_hated_his_wifes_cat/
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Women enjoy sex more than men

Proof : When your ear is itchy and you stick your finger in to scratch it, what feels better your ear or your finger?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9si4vf/women_enjoy_sex_more_than_men/
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There are two types of men: Those who pee in the shower

and fucking liars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9si3bt/there_are_two_types_of_men_those_who_pee_in_the/
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When I was a young boy, my fairy godmother gave me a choice of two gifts.

She told me I could either have a long memory, or a long penis. I can't remember which one I picked now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9shz9s/when_i_was_a_young_boy_my_fairy_godmother_gave_me/
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10 Minutes into Toy Story and Chill

I've already got a friend in me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9shv9a/10_minutes_into_toy_story_and_chill/
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My parents always told me I'd never be good at poetry since I'm Dyslexic.

My flower pot and 3 vases are pretty good if I do say so myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9shufn/my_parents_always_told_me_id_never_be_good_at/
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I couldn't live with my mistakes anymore...

So I became a bomb disposal technician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9shud2/i_couldnt_live_with_my_mistakes_anymore/
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A lady gives birth to twins

Once upon a time, a lady was pregnant with twin boys. She said to her husband “Whatever I say when they come out will be their names.” He agreed. The first one came out and she said “Jesus Christ!” So, oddly enough, that was his name. The second one came out and she said “Motherfucker!” So, his name was Motherfucker. They get older and on their first day of kindergarten, the teacher is going around the room asking the kids what their name’s are. She gets to the first one and he says “My name is Jesus Christ.” She says “No, really, what’s your name?” He says “My name really is Jesus Christ.” She says “Tell me your name or go to the principal’s office.” He stands up, looks at his brother and says “Come on Motherfucker. She’s not gonna believe you either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9shnwq/a_lady_gives_birth_to_twins/
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A man asks his wife, “why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?”

She says “I don’t like calling you at work”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9shmqf/a_man_asks_his_wife_why_dont_you_tell_me_when_you/
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A car thief hijacked a Tesla, but didn't get very far.

He surrendered the vehicle to avoid battery charges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9shl0u/a_car_thief_hijacked_a_tesla_but_didnt_get_very/
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My wife is a pornstar.

She'll kill me if she finds out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9shi97/my_wife_is_a_pornstar/
%
Had my girlfriend wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for roleplay

She got my name wrong during sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9shhhs/had_my_girlfriend_wear_her_starbucks_uniform_to/
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An elderly man is concerned about his wife’s hearing.

He decides to do a test. He smells her making dinner, so he stands in the living room and says, in a normal speaking voice, “What’s for dinner?” He hears no response.
He moves two steps towards her and asks again. “What’s for dinner?” He hears no response.
He moves a few steps again so that he is just outside the kitchen. He repeated the phrase, but again heard no response.
Finally, he steps directly behind his wife and asks “What’s for dinner?” His wife replies “For the fourth time, it’s CHICKEN!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9shb9b/an_elderly_man_is_concerned_about_his_wifes/
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My wife got naked and asked me to show her a good time..

...so i showed her photos of me with my friends before we got married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sh9zw/my_wife_got_naked_and_asked_me_to_show_her_a_good/
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A duck walks into a bar...

One lunchtime a duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and an all day breakfast.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Fucking hell! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my fry up please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his fry up, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens every lunchtime for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats fry ups, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The fucking circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a fucking big hole in the middle?" says the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "Why the fuck would they want a plasterer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sh2my/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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Had to get rid of my Hoover due to lack of use

It was just sitting around collecting dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sh1to/had_to_get_rid_of_my_hoover_due_to_lack_of_use/
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TIFU by getting into the wrong car after the European Auto Show.

whoops, wrong Saab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sh1fp/tifu_by_getting_into_the_wrong_car_after_the/
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Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.
At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one failing. The doctor has an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the wasp on your head, slowly remove it."
The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic drive and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection. The doctor says, "With both your permissions, I can perform the procedure."
Fearing that the wasp can do damage in there, they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs, smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly inserts his honey covered penis a few inches into the wife's vagina. Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws a few inches. "There he is... no, lost him... I think I got him. No, no. Lost him again..."
Over the next 20 minutes, the doctor's comments has turned into grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his face, while pumping the wife viorously. The wife is moaning wildly, and has locked her legs around the doctors hips. The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, "Doctor, tell me what's happening!? What's going on in there!"
Doctor replies, "Change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sh05j/husband_and_wife_are_sunbathing_at_a_nudist_beach/
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There is no “I” in stupid

But there is a “M” and an “E”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sgtrq/there_is_no_i_in_stupid/
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What do you call a funny motorcycle?

Yamahahahahaha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sgtma/what_do_you_call_a_funny_motorcycle/
%
Boy: Dad, Do We Have Any Soy Milk?

Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Padre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sgk5d/boy_dad_do_we_have_any_soy_milk/
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What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and a hooker?

The expression on their face when they get nailed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sgjfx/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_christ_and_a/
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Dad: Son I'm so sorry about my horrible jokes and puns.

Son: Aw. Don't be. They always cheer me up and that's what matters.
Dad: Well there was a pun competition recently. I submitted ten of my best puns to try and qualify. The results were so disappointing.
Son: I'm proud of you no matter what. But I'm curious. How many made it?
Dad: No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sgiuo/dad_son_im_so_sorry_about_my_horrible_jokes_and/
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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sgfv6/white_people_dont_shoot_each_other_in_the_streets/
%
I don't really cook meat that often

But when I do, it's usually very rare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sgf0w/i_dont_really_cook_meat_that_often/
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Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate

They're both cauldron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sgeuy/harry_potter_cant_tell_the_difference_between_his/
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I’m not impressed with Colgate. It promised me whitening in two weeks...

It’s been over two weeks and I’m still Indian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sgcdf/im_not_impressed_with_colgate_it_promised_me/
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Dammit, I just burned my Hawaiian pizza

Maybe I should have cooked it on aloha temperature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sg9sy/dammit_i_just_burned_my_hawaiian_pizza/
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Did you hear about the man that died from an overdose of viagra?

Guess they couldn't close his casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sg9qn/did_you_hear_about_the_man_that_died_from_an/
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Tony walked into a bar in Texas…

And he saw a sign that said: “WIN $10,000!” He asked the bartender, “How does this contest work?” The bartender replied, “You have to eat the entire pot of chili from two years ago” and he points to a smelly old pot in the middle of the counter. “How much to try?” Tony asked. “$10.00” the bartender replied.
Tony figured, “What the hell, let me try it.” He put down the money, walked over to the pot, and began quickly eating the rancid looking mixture. When he was 2/3 of the way done, he saw a dead rat inside, and horrified, he puked everything back into the pot.
The bartender walked over and said “Yup. That’s what happened to the last few guys also.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sg8nc/tony_walked_into_a_bar_in_texas/
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A father and his three young daughters sat down to have dinner.

A few minutes into the meal, the oldest daughter looked up and asked the father, "Dad, why was I named Rose?"
"Because when you were born, a rose drifted down out of nowhere and landed on your forehead," he answered.
Intrigued, the middle daughter then asked, "Then why was I named Lily?"
"Because when you were born, the flower of a lily appeared out of nowhere and fell onto your forehead, as well," he replied.
Finally, the youngest daughter asked, "Blrglsij shasjldj agaluejdj?"
To which the father said, "Shut up, Brick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sg6jo/a_father_and_his_three_young_daughters_sat_down/
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I don't know why some Americans have a problem with a family consisting of two dads...

I mean, the country itself has forefathers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sg2kf/i_dont_know_why_some_americans_have_a_problem/
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What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?

"Nice tits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sg1cz/what_do_you_say_to_a_woman_with_no_arms_or_legs/
%
Vladimir Putin has been visiting all of the old countries that were apart of the U.S.S.R.

You could say it was a Soviet Reunion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sg05j/vladimir_putin_has_been_visiting_all_of_the_old/
%
My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection.

So i got her some diet pills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sfy3a/my_wife_told_me_to_go_and_get_some_pills_that/
%
Penis jokes never get old

But sometimes they get hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sfwut/penis_jokes_never_get_old/
%
TIL baby squid come out laughing when they are born!

Makes sense I suppose... their mums do give them ten-tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sfv9i/til_baby_squid_come_out_laughing_when_they_are/
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I'm not saying I'm lazy, but during a game of tennis...

The umpire said "break point" and I headed for my chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sfs5o/im_not_saying_im_lazy_but_during_a_game_of_tennis/
%
It was bring your pet to school day

I brought my desert eagle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sfq4u/it_was_bring_your_pet_to_school_day/
%
Why did the hippy drink the bong water?

So he could get highdrated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sfp9s/why_did_the_hippy_drink_the_bong_water/
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A man is unhappy with his wife

but he doesn't want to divorce her, because she'll get half of his money and assets, so he goes to the mafia to see about getting a hit put out on his wife. The mafia agrees to do it and tells him it will be $50,000. The husband says, "I don't have that kind of money." He was then told to go see Tony, who was retired from the mafia, but still did work on the side occasionally.
He tells Tony his situation. Tony agrees to do it and asks for $20,000. Once again, the husband says "I don't have that kind of money." Tony tells him to go see his cousin Arty, who was looking to join the mafia, but needed to complete a hit first, so the husband could pay pretty much anything and Arty would be guaranteed to do it.
The husband goes to Arty and says, "Look, I know you need this as much as I do, so I pay you $1." Arty agrees and begins following the wife around. About a week later he comes up behind her in a grocery store and begins choking her. A deli worker see whats going on and comes over, but it's too late; the wife is dead. Arty then starts choking the deli worker, and now the manager hears all the commotion and comes over, but now the deli worker is dead too. Arty managed to choke out the manager as well before the police showed up.
The next day, the news headline reads "Arty Chokes Three for $1 in Grocery Store."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sfmxh/a_man_is_unhappy_with_his_wife/
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Congress gets kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sflm6/congress_gets_kidnapped/
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What do you call a suit that's been tailor-made for a ghost?

Bespook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sflg4/what_do_you_call_a_suit_thats_been_tailormade_for/
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At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sfj2o/at_age_12_little_johnny_was_blessed_with_a_nine/
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what is the difference between a taliban training camp and an afghan village?

„I don't know.  I'm just flying the drone.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sfh3r/what_is_the_difference_between_a_taliban_training/
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I went to the doctor...

Doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
Me: this is embarrassing
Doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sfgcf/i_went_to_the_doctor/
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We all know Donald Trump doesn’t drink alcohol. But did you know he won’t drink non-alcoholic beer either?

It’s fake booze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sfc67/we_all_know_donald_trump_doesnt_drink_alcohol_but/
%
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother.

"Mom am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sf5qs/a_young_polar_bear_came_into_his_den_and_asked/
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I called my horse mayo

Because mayo neighs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9seto4/i_called_my_horse_mayo/
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The Jar

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked!
"You asked your neighbor?" said the doctor.
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sesa7/the_jar/
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I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have two half-sisters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sepz6/i_come_from_a_family_of_failed_magicians/
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I’m always getting run over by the same bike, same day every month, same place, month after month...

It's a seriously vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9seob8/im_always_getting_run_over_by_the_same_bike_same/
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How do you catch an elephant?

Ask me how college is going, there seems to always be an elephant in the room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9semhk/how_do_you_catch_an_elephant/
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How do you organize a library of sound?

By using the Dewey Decibel system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sej7z/how_do_you_organize_a_library_of_sound/
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If I had a penny for every time I’ve had sex...

... I’d be penniless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sehtk/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_time_ive_had_sex/
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How do you catch an elephant?

First you have to dig a pit deep enough to hold the elephant.
Then you have a huge bonfire and dump all of the leftover soot into that hole.
Next you place a ring of peas around the entire pit.
Now; you wait.
When an elephant comes by and stops to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole!
Courtesy of my grandpa :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sec4h/how_do_you_catch_an_elephant/
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What does a clock do if it's done eating and still hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9seas3/what_does_a_clock_do_if_its_done_eating_and_still/
%
So I was just at the gas station buying condoms and my card gets declined...

I just got cock-blocked by Visa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9se9fo/so_i_was_just_at_the_gas_station_buying_condoms/
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How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

It's not that hard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9se8hl/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_on_a_nude_beach/
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I put laxatives in alphabet soup

I call it Letter Rip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9se7ex/i_put_laxatives_in_alphabet_soup/
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How big is a clown's hard drive?

50 GiggleBytes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9se443/how_big_is_a_clowns_hard_drive/
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Today i met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother...

Broco Lee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9se065/today_i_met_bruce_lees_vegetarian_brother/
%
The man who invented autocorrect just died.

May he roast in piss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sdw8b/the_man_who_invented_autocorrect_just_died/
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What does corn say when it's frustrated?

Aw shucks!
(Yes, I know this joke is very corny)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sdvqm/what_does_corn_say_when_its_frustrated/
%
My wife and I decided to only smoke after sex

I haven't had a cigarette in 10 years but my wife is up to two packs a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sdq6j/my_wife_and_i_decided_to_only_smoke_after_sex/
%
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

“Robin, get in the Batmobile.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sdpne/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_they_got_into/
%
Girl Is Going Into The Operation Theater For Her Heart Surgery.

Girl: “I am Having Heart Surgery Today.”
Boy: “Yes I Know, Don’t Worry Baby.”
Girl: “I Love You.”
Boy: “I Love You The Most.”
After The Surgery, Girl Wakes Up And The Only One Next To Her Is Her Father.
Girl: “Where Is He?”
Father (Surprised): “Don’t You Know Who Gave You That Heart?”
Girl: “OMG, What? Noooooo (Starts Crying)”
Father: “I Am Just Kidding, He Went To The Toilet.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sdp9i/girl_is_going_into_the_operation_theater_for_her/
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If you go over to their place after a great date and see the banner of the former Soviet Union hanging on the wall...

Well then that's a big red flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sdo0r/if_you_go_over_to_their_place_after_a_great_date/
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I can't remember how to write 1,1000, 51,6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

I M LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sdl7l/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_11000_516_and_500_in/
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A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests

He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not."
So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not."
Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sdcqo/a_drunk_staggers_out_of_a_bar_and_runs_into_two/
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Three ducks got arrested!

All three ducks where getting interrogated individually.
interrogator says to the first duck state your name and what you did!
1st duck replies my names quak and I got in trouble for blowing bubbles! interrogator thinks for a second and tells them to send in the 2nd duck.
interrogator says to the 2nd duck state your name and what you did!
2nd duck replies my names quak quak and I got in trouble for blowing bubbles! so the interrogator thinks a little more and tells them to send in the 3rd duck!
interrogator says to the 3rd duck okay okay let me guess your names quak quak quak and you got in trouble for blowing bubbles! 3rd duck replies nope my names bubbles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sdcj2/three_ducks_got_arrested/
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What does Mortal Kombat and a Finnish church have in common?

Finnish Hymn!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sdaiy/what_does_mortal_kombat_and_a_finnish_church_have/
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What do a woman's anus and a 9 volt battery have in common?

You know its against your better judgement, but you put your tongue on it
anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sda9w/what_do_a_womans_anus_and_a_9_volt_battery_have/
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How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sd95f/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_wall/
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"Mom I have started dating our neighbour..."

"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom.
Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!"
"I wasn't talking about his age!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sd7cw/mom_i_have_started_dating_our_neighbour/
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Timmy was being raised by his single mother

When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands.
It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoing hormone therapy, and finally having the surgery. Timmy was very supportive during the whole process. Even when he was teased by some kids at school.
But eventually the process was complete and they decided to have a nice dinner to celebrate. But dinner was ruined. Timmy’s dad just kept making terrible pun after terrible pun. That’s when it hit Timmy like a ton of bricks. He asks “Did....did you go through all this and even get a sex change just so you could make Dad jokes?!”
Timmy’s dad replies “Ahh shit, you see right through me. I guess I’m just....transparent”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sd6m0/timmy_was_being_raised_by_his_single_mother/
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I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with  my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sd5xe/i_adopted_a_goat_the_other_day_but_my_mom_said_id/
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Yo mama so old,

When I told her to act her age, she died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sd5n6/yo_mama_so_old/
%
Did you know that dogs cant operate MRI machines?

But catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sd470/did_you_know_that_dogs_cant_operate_mri_machines/
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A woman and her 5 year-old son are taking the bus home.

It's late in the evening and their stop is the last one on the bus route. All of the other passengers have disembarked, so it's just the woman, her son, and the bus driver. The boy looks out of the window and sees scantily-clad young women standing on a street corner.
"Mommy," says the boy, "what are these girls doing so late at night?" The mother, not wanting to tell him who they really are replies, "Well, Johnny, you see, these girls have a job, and they don't have enough money for their own car, so they wait for their husbands to pick them up and take them home."
The bus driver hears this and says, "Lady, why are you lying to your son?" Then he turns to the boy: "Those are hookers kid, they fuck men for money."
The boy is silent for a moment, then turns to his mother and says, "Mommy, if those hookers have kids, do they become hookers too?"
And the mother replies, "No, they become bus drivers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sd3sy/a_woman_and_her_5_yearold_son_are_taking_the_bus/
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A journalist asks a Russian, a Pole and an Israeli the same question: Excuse me, what's your opinion on the meat shortage?

The Russian replies: What's an opinion?
The Pole replies: What's meat?
The Israeli replies: What's excuse me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sd25k/a_journalist_asks_a_russian_a_pole_and_an_israeli/
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Yo mama so stupid

That when she heard orange is the new black, she decided to vote for Donald trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9scvme/yo_mama_so_stupid/
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How do you call a person with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9scuy5/how_do_you_call_a_person_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
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What did the prophet Mohamed say when his wife asked for a divorce?

"Those are pretty big words for a 6 year old!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9scucw/what_did_the_prophet_mohamed_say_when_his_wife/
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A joke from my grandad

Why is a duck covered with feathers.
To cover it's buttquack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9scu3y/a_joke_from_my_grandad/
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What did the German senior staff say after Hitler killed himself?

"I did Nazi that coming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9scrtm/what_did_the_german_senior_staff_say_after_hitler/
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A buddy of mine was making fun of me for not knowing about the second C in Connecticut.

I told him, "Excuse me for not knowing it wasn't spelled phonectically."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9scq3y/a_buddy_of_mine_was_making_fun_of_me_for_not/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla

An Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9scq2x/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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Ever wondered why scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forward, they'd end up face first in the boat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9scmr1/ever_wondered_why_scuba_divers_fall_backwards/
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Why couldn’t Trump tie his boat down?

Fake noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9scltt/why_couldnt_trump_tie_his_boat_down/
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What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus

You only need one nail to hang the latter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9scgwd/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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Ken: Hey, can I borrow 100$?

Ryu: Shoryuken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sceyg/ken_hey_can_i_borrow_100/
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I haven't had sex since 1994

This isn't a time format joke.
I'm just an almost 24 year old virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9scd9b/i_havent_had_sex_since_1994/
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Flight Attendant: “May I offer you some headphones?”

Me: “Sure, but how did you know my name was phones?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9scb5q/flight_attendant_may_i_offer_you_some_headphones/
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My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sc7hi/my_brother_took_going_to_jail_really_badly_he/
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An American man studying Himduism traveled to Nepal

and came across a very peculiar and over sized Hindu temple. Inside was something he was not expecting to see. He opened the door and saw the most extravagant party he had ever seen in his entire life. Even bigger than anything he has ever seen in any movie he's ever watched. There was an olympic sized indoor pool, a dj who was playing music by Earth, Wind, and Fire. And There was also a buffet with the most amazing looking food in the land to feed the umpteen hundred guests in the temple. He was greeted by a pujari, who had the widest smile and happiest demeanor. The American asked the pujari, "What does this party have to do with the teachings of Hinduism?" So the Hindu teacher said, "Well, look at the pool, the depth represents eternity, which is what truth is.
"Ah" said the American.
"Do you hear the music being played by the DJ?" Asked the pujari. "We Hindus believe in being connected to nature, thus our choice of Earth, Wind, and Fire!"
The American makes another sound of agreement.
The teacher continues, "That huge buffet obviously showcases our belief that our actions affect our karma. So we feed our hundreds of guests and we will be blessed with food for ourselves in the future! We won't ever be hungry!"  So the American says, "Wow, this makes so much sense!" The pujari informs his new guest that there will be more activities and such arriving at the temple very shortly. The American confused thinks to himself what else could this beautiful party need? So after a few hours of enjoying himself at the party, swimming, dancing, eating, and mingling with many of the guests he started to feel thirsty. He looked and he searched but could not find anything to drink. So he found his buddy, the good ol' pujari and said, "I've been here for this long and have been searching high and low for a drink and if I don't see a punchline soon I'm going to be extremely frustrated!" So the pujari looks at the man with a sly grin and says, "Hindu time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sc1p3/an_american_man_studying_himduism_traveled_to/
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.
What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
Still no eye deer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sbwzv/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
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My doctor just told me, “I’m afraid you are going to die soon.”

I think he found out I’m sleeping with his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sbw2a/my_doctor_just_told_me_im_afraid_you_are_going_to/
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When all the animals left the ark, Noah gave them instructions as they departed:

To the Aardvarks, he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"
A couple snakes came slithering out, and he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"
"We can't, we're adders." replied the snakes.
Well Noah kept giving commands, until at last he told the zebras, "Go forth and multiply!"
A while later he was walking around and stepped over a fallen tree. There were those snakes, well, er... multiplying.
"I thought you said you couldn't multiply?" asked Noah.
"By LOGS we can!" replied the adders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sbt8n/when_all_the_animals_left_the_ark_noah_gave_them/
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Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sbn7o/doctor_i_have_a_sexual_problem/
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What if a fly drops 2 inches?

A fish was looking out of its river and saw this fly and thought 'if that fly drops 2 inches, I'll be able to jump out and eat it.' Then there was a bear looking at the fish that was looking at the fly and thought 'if the fly drops 2 inches the fish will jump up to get the fly and I'll get the fish'. And off in the bushes there was a hunter and they were looking at the bear looking at the fish looking at the fly and thought 'if that fly drops 2 inches the fish will jump up to get the fly the bear will get the fish and it will be distracted long enough for me to shoot the bear' and about 2 foot away from the hunter there was a mouse looking at the hunter looking at the bear looking at the fish looking at the fly and thought 'if that fly drops 2 inches the fish will jump up and get the fly and the bear will get the fish and the hunter will get the bear and I'll get the hunters cheese because he will be too focused on the bear' and off on the top of a hill there was a cat looking at the mouse looking at the hunter looking at the bear looking at the fish looking at the fly and thought 'if that fly drops two inches the fish will get the fly the bear will get the fish the hunter will get the bear the mouse will get the cheese and I'll get the mouse.
So the fly drops 2 inches and the fish gets the fly the bear gets the fish the hunter gets the bear the mouse gets his cheese BUT. the cat loses its footing and falls from the top of the hill rolls down the hill and falls in the river. And what does this tell you?
The moral of the story is, that when a fly drops 2 inches a pussy is sure to get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sbdqk/what_if_a_fly_drops_2_inches/
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A sanguine tale

Jake and Ruth were blood analysts in a hospital. Given the proximity of the hospital to the highway, really gruesome motor accidents were quite common. So the hospital decided to house a huge supply of blood for emergencies, and these two were employed full time to analyse blood which they got, and discard unsuitable blood.
Put two young people in a room with a bunch of boring stuff, and eventually sparks fly. They started dating after a while, and they were one happy couple. Alas, not all good things last. Their relationship did go through a lot of strain due to a variety of reasons, and it culminated when Ruth caught Jake with an other girl in his apartment. This was the final straw, she thought. She walked right out of the door, without confrontation. She couldn’t bring herself to, for she wasn’t entirely innocent. She had come to Jake’s apartment to tell him that she was seeing someone else for the last few weeks and that she wanted to end things.
The next day at work, when Ruth walked in, she could see a huge bin with a biohazard sign between their two seats, filled with all the discarded blood packets. Jake was already there, slogging away, and he didn’t say a word of apology. ‘Perhaps he knew?’, Ruth thought. She couldn’t bring himself to confront him either, and her pride didn’t let her apologise.
Jake could see Ruth entering from the corner of his eye. He did not not want to acknowledge her presence. ‘At least, she could have broken up with me’, he pondered. As soon as he walked in that morning he hauled the biohazard bin and placed it between them, so that he could never see her face over the 4 foot tall bin when both of them were seated. Or did he want to hide his face in shame, because what he did was just as despicable? He did not know. And now his mind was clouded enough to make any attempt at rational thought futile.
Months passed like this. Both of them continued to work, and neither of them caught anything more than a glance of each other over the tall bin, where they were constantly discarding faulty blood samples. Neither of their ‘flings’ materialised into anything; as they still had feelings for each other. ‘If only we communicated’ Ruth thought as she was traveling to work one morning. Maybe we should try now? Maybe it isn’t too late? She was determined to try, as she was happiest when they were together. Just as she was outside the door of the lab, she took a deep breath (Jake being the more punctual one would definitely be there) and entered with trepidation.
She was however quite surprised to see the huge bin moved across the room, and Jake waiting for her in his chair. He had drawn her a chair as well. “I think we should talk”, he said.
And they spoke their hearts out. They both spoke about what they wanted in the relationship, how each was not available enough for the other, how each hurt the other with their nonchalance, and how each expected something more. They spoke, and they spoke at length.
At the end of few hours, they apologised and embraced. Still holding on, Ruth said, “Maybe go out for dinner tonight?”
“I’d love that”
And thus they began a new life with the promise of a new beginning. Will their story have a happily-ever-after? It does not matter. Because now, at least…they don’t have any bad blood between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sbac9/a_sanguine_tale/
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Why do meth heads like Halloween so much?

Just 2 more sleeps 'til Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sb9te/why_do_meth_heads_like_halloween_so_much/
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Milk The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland."
.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sb39x/milk_the_only_cow_in_a_small_town_in_ireland/
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Seven piano keys walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "Sorry, we cannot serve alcohol to A Minor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sb0g4/seven_piano_keys_walked_into_a_bar/
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R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history

They had to beep out every word he said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9saxzs/r2d2_is_the_most_obscene_character_in_film_history/
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My mum is the worst magician ever...

She made Dad disappear, but she couldn't make him reappear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9saxv0/my_mum_is_the_worst_magician_ever/
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As far as disabilities go, being mute isn't that bad...

But I can't speak for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9saxqs/as_far_as_disabilities_go_being_mute_isnt_that_bad/
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Why haven't Aliens visited our Solar System yet?

They looked at the reviews... Only 1 star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sax5r/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system_yet/
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My friends keep insisting I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.

I’m not buying it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sax10/my_friends_keep_insisting_im_the_cheapest_person/
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A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue.

A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not. The Queen nods in assent, saying, "You do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz that ladies have in certain places, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good." On his turn, the knight asks, "Lady, answer me without deceit. Is there hair between your legs?" When she replies, "none at all", he comments, "Indeed I do believe you, for grass does not grow on a well-beaten path."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sarop/a_game_of_truthtelling_is_being_played_at_court/
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A guy pulls a tiny piano from his trench coat and places it on the bar...

A few people stop to watch what he's doing. He then reaches in and pulls out a tiny piano bench. By now a crowd of people has gathered to see what is going on. Finally the man pulls out a man that is about a foot tall. The little man sits down and plays the most amazing piano that anyone has ever heard. As this is happening the guy passes the hat around and makes a pretty good haul.
One of the patrons asks, "Where did you get the little guy?"
The first guy says, "I found a magic lamp one day and the genie inside gave me one wish."
The patron asks, "Can I buy that lamp from you for $10,000?"
The first guy says, "Sure. I can't use it anymore," and exchanges the lamp for a $10,000 check.
The patron rubs the lamp and, when a genie pops out, shouts "I want a million bucks!"
The genie claps his hands and after the smoke clears, there are ducks everywhere.
"What the hell?" exclaims the patron. "I didn't ask for a million ducks!"
The first guy says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sap01/a_guy_pulls_a_tiny_piano_from_his_trench_coat_and/
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Why can’t blonds count to 70?

Because 69 is a mouthful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sadix/why_cant_blonds_count_to_70/
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A man takes a taxi in the pouring rain...

He tells the driver to head for the airport, shaking water off his hat and fanning his coat to get some more off the whole time. It is then, halfway through the drive, that he notices he's forgotten his wallet. He frantically searches his pockets, but all he finds is a 20 dollar bill.
He asks the taxi driver "What's the fare to the airport?"
The driver looks back and goes "50 dollars"
"I only have 20-" the man says pleadingly "-but I promise to pay you the rest as soon as I get my wallet back."
"Not a chance, it's 50 dollars, if you can't pay you can't ride." the driver replies.
"I can give you my phone number!" the man says back, growing increasingly desperate "I can give you my home adress and full name! I just need to get to the airport!"
The driver looks back at the man, and without a word he grabs the 20 dollar bill out of the man's hand, and throws the door open, kicking him out and leaving him to walk the rest of the way in the pouring rain.
Some months later, the same man walking down the street looking for a taxi, when he notices a long row of them parked near the sidewalk, and at the very end is the man who kicked him out those months ago. The man walks up to the first cab and asks:
"How much is it to the airport?"
The driver replies "50 dollars sir."
The man then pulls out a 100 dollar bill and whispers "I'll pay you double if we can stop halfway there and have some fun in the bushes..."
Instantly, the driver jerks the man away from his window with his arm, rolling it up and locking the doors as he stares back in disgust. The man then walks over to the second cab in line, and asks the driver:
"How much is it to the airport?"
"Fifty bucks." The driver replies.
The man then pulls out a 100 dollar bill, and repeats his offer, barely missing a punch to the face as the driver rolls up his window as well.
The man continues down the row of Taxis, until he ends up at the window of the man who had driven him earlier. He leans over and asks, once more. "How much is to the airport?"
The driver looks over and says "50 dollars, same as before."
The man then replies: "Listen, I'll pay you 100 dollars if you just hold the bill out the window and wave it when you drive past the other taxis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sad05/a_man_takes_a_taxi_in_the_pouring_rain/
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My wife and daughter both got me presents for my birthday and asked me which one I liked more

It was a tie again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sabds/my_wife_and_daughter_both_got_me_presents_for_my/
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What did the Italian guy say, when he got covered with seasoning?

I've been a-salted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sa5o4/what_did_the_italian_guy_say_when_he_got_covered/
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My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.

It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9sa4lc/my_wife_always_accuses_me_of_having_a_favorite/
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I used to go out with my English teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s9yqd/i_used_to_go_out_with_my_english_teacher_but_she/
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What do you call a newborn baby?

Anything you want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s9te8/what_do_you_call_a_newborn_baby/
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A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a coma and 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad; what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s9rsl/a_woman_who_is_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a/
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The Complexities of Language

So on the first day of class, a Havard language professor says: "In English double negatives can become positives. But in some languages, like Russian, a double negative stays negative. But there is not one language in which a double positive becomes negative."
Then a student in the back shouts "Yeah Right!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s9qwu/the_complexities_of_language/
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How are Michael Jackson and Sears the same?

They're both dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s9nkd/how_are_michael_jackson_and_sears_the_same/
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I’ve always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes in sporting events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s9jg2/ive_always_wanted_a_job_estimating_crowd_sizes_in/
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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turns to her and says,
"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence," she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s9i57/a_chicken_farmer_goes_into_a_bar_takes_a_seat/
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My girlfriend and I were having sex when the power went out.

It was a huge turn off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s9fn3/my_girlfriend_and_i_were_having_sex_when_the/
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A college guy meets a hot chick at a frat party

They end up in her dorm knocking boots; he’s living every freshmans dream! After a breather, he notices the girl has tears in her eyes. He asks her what’s up and she says “I haven’t been truthful to you; I was raised as Christian” he shrugs. “ so? College life’s about experimenting and finding yourself- let it go babe. if it felt right, keep doing it” her face lit up “REALLY? Oh thank god I met such an open minded guy, and you’re right, it was a tumultuous journey, but I’m MUCH happier as Christine!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s9ecr/a_college_guy_meets_a_hot_chick_at_a_frat_party/
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A young Chief of an Indian tribe wants to have sex

So he goes to the local whore house and says, "Chief want pussy." The Owner of the brothel says, "Well does Chief have any experience with pussy?" Chief, knowing that he has never had sex replies, "Chief never laid with woman before." The Owner tells the Chief, "These girls have a lot of experience and you need to go practice before you get with one of my girls. There is a tree a couple hundred yards down the trail that has a perfect nook hole in it. Go to the tree and practice for a few days, then when you are ready, come back and we will set you up with a girl."
The Chief takes the man's advice and practices fucking the nook in the tree for a whole week. The next weekend the Chief shows up at the brothel and says, "Chief want pussy." The Owner of the brothel again asks, "Does Chief have any experience with pussy?" Happily, Chief says, "Chief got experience." The Owner gives Chief a key and tells him to go upstairs and open the first door on the left. Almost immediately there are loud moans and screams coming from the room that Chief went in. At first the owner thought that Chief might just have a big dick and the girl is having trouble taking him, bit the screams sounded like fear and trouble so he goes to check. When he opens the door, he finds Chief fully clothed and ramming the poor girls pussy with a broom stick. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING CHIEF?!" Exclaims the owner.
"Chief checking for bees."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s9e8q/a_young_chief_of_an_indian_tribe_wants_to_have_sex/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob

if we don’t get support people are going to think we’re nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s9ami/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
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As Vernon the vampire bat flew inside the cave…

his friends started at him with a mixture of admiration and jealousy.
“Yo Vernon, your face is covered with blood! What kind of animal did you feed from?”
Vernon gazed as his friends and said smugly “None of your business!”
“C’mon Man! Don’t be an idiot! Tell us!”
“Nah. Not for you guys. Give it up.”
“Seriously man, this isn’t cool! Share the wealth!”
“Fine. Follow me.”
So, thousands of bats flew through the night for about 15 minutes, fangs gleaming with anticipation. Finally, they arrived at a large tree.
“See this tree?” asked Vernon?
“Yeah!” they clamored eagerly.
“Well, I didn’t!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s969v/as_vernon_the_vampire_bat_flew_inside_the_cave/
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I went to the dentist.

I sat down in the chair and he said, "Open up for me..."
"OK," I said, "my parents don't love me very much."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s963d/i_went_to_the_dentist/
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Can you guys give me advice on repairing my fence?

After all, you are experts at reposting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s95bc/can_you_guys_give_me_advice_on_repairing_my_fence/
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Guns are like penises.

Their owners are more proud of them than they should be, size is usually concern over functionality, and it's generally a bad idea to wave them out in public, especially if there are children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s91yt/guns_are_like_penises/
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Why couldn’t the dog sell his house?

Because he couldn’t get out of his leash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s901h/why_couldnt_the_dog_sell_his_house/
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Two blondes go walking in a forest

After walking for a while they find a set of tracks. The first says they're bear tracks. The second says they're deer tracks. After about 10 minutes of arguing they get hit by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s8tid/two_blondes_go_walking_in_a_forest/
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Today, I found out my toaster isn't waterproof.

I was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s8qj2/today_i_found_out_my_toaster_isnt_waterproof/
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How do trees get on the internet?

They log onto the Wood Wide Web.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s8osj/how_do_trees_get_on_the_internet/
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The difference between gay men and straight men is the classical music they listen to.

Some like Debussy and some like the Bach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s8lcq/the_difference_between_gay_men_and_straight_men/
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What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s8l9o/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_two_brain_cells/
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A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist.

He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."
The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happened, and his friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s8kio/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_his_friend/
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Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers cross the road?

To get to the Otherside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s8k9u/why_did_the_red_hot_chili_peppers_cross_the_road/
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What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?

“You crossed the wrong guy”
I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s8jgq/what_did_jesus_say_after_he_resurrected_on_the/
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Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?

"Thanks for the warning, officer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s8ik7/everybody_knows_there_are_words_only_black_people/
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Arguing with an anti-vaxxer is like playing chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good at chess you are, the pigeon will just knock over pieces, shit on the board, and then fly back to its flock to claim victory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s8f02/arguing_with_an_antivaxxer_is_like_playing_chess/
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Nothing beats friendship.

Except a friendiceberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s8b2q/nothing_beats_friendship/
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A man named Luigi sees a “Help Wanted” sign while walking in his city’s downtown area.

(Post edited for clarity)
A man named Luigi sees a “Help Wanted” sign while walking in his city’s downtown area. He decided to approach the storefront and read the rest of the sign.
“Entry level job, no prior experience needed”
Luigi exclaims, “This is wonderful!” and walks inside for an interview. He approaches the front desk about the job opening and gets sent to the CEO’s office.
Luigi and the CEO shake hands, and Luigi is graciously welcomed into the office.
“Alright Luigi, this is an interview like no other,” says the CEO as he hands Luigi a piece of paper and a pencil. Luigi keeps a confident look on his face. “Now Luigi, I want you to represent the number 9 without using letters or numbers on this piece of paper.”
Luigi grabs the pencil, draws 3 trees on the paper, and sets the pencil back down.
The CEO is confused, laughs and says, “how does this represent 9?” And Luigi replies with, “Tree plus tree plus tree = 9.”
“Impressive!” Says the CEO with a chuckle. “Now I want you to represent the number 99, still without using letters or numbers.”
Luigi picks up the pencil again and just scribbles on each of the 3 trees.
The CEO says, “How in the world does this represent 99?”
Luigi tells the CEO, “Here we have dirty tree, a dirty tree, and a dirty tree. I’m pretty sure that equals 99.”
The CEO tells Luigi he’s quite clever. “This last one will stump you! No one has ever been able to complete this task. Now I want you to represent the number 100.”
Luigi grabs the pencil again and draws a small dot next to each tree, drops the pencil, and leans back in his chair, hands behind his head.
The CEO is confused as ever, and tells Luigi, “How could you think this completes the final task? I think I’ve finally stumped you Luigi.”
Luigi sits back up and points at the paper, “Boss, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve clearly drawn a dirty tree and a turd, a dirty tree and a turd, and a dirty tree and a turd. Now do I get the job or what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s8azb/a_man_named_luigi_sees_a_help_wanted_sign_while/
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If The Hulk took over for Captain America...

Would he be a Star Spangled Banner?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s8694/if_the_hulk_took_over_for_captain_america/
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I checked my BMI chart the other day.

It would appear that I'm too short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s84sd/i_checked_my_bmi_chart_the_other_day/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s84b8/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
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There's no pleasing some women. Take the other day, I said to my wife, "Pick a card, any card you like!"

"Make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest of the pack."
"Fuck you Ralph! It's our anniversary!" she replied, stomping out of the card shop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s83ql/theres_no_pleasing_some_women_take_the_other_day/
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If you're having hesitations about your dinner plans in a Native American village...

you have reservation reservation reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s82tn/if_youre_having_hesitations_about_your_dinner/
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A pirate walks into a bar

with a peg leg, an eyepatch, a parrot on his shoulder and a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender says, “you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants”.
The pirate replies with, “arrr, I know, it’s driving me nuts!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s825w/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man walks into a bar...

he goes to the counter and says: "Morning". "Morning," the barman answers. "I'd like to have three black coffees." "Three?" "Yeah. One for me, one for you, and one for that slutty wife of yours!" The barman is taken aback, as he realizes he's never seen the man before. He's a little angry, but decides to let it go.
The following day the same man enters the bar again. "Morning" — "Morning". "I'd like to have three black coffees: One for me, one for you, and one for your dick-riding cunt wife!" An outburst of anger fills the barman's body, and just when he's about to react, he realizes that the man may simply be crazy. He's never seen him, after all, so either this guy's demented or this is all some kind of complex joke plotted against me, he figures. Better grin and bear it.
Another day goes by and the same man shows up once more. "Morning," he grunts. "Morning!" says the barman, feeling what's coming. "I'd like to have three black coffees. One for me, one for you, and one for that cock-sucking bitch you call your wife!" The barman, despite knowing something along those lines would happen, just can't take it anymore: He jumps over the counter, grabs a chair, and smashes it right into the man's face. As the man is lying on the ground, the barman channels his rage through his fists and gets a couple clean shots on his jaw and nose. Eventually, the man regains consciousness and, dripping with blood, makes his way to the exit.
It's day four now and the barman is talking about what happened with a couple of friends at the bar, even bragging about his newly found fighting skills a bit. But while he's talking, a familiar figure walks into the bar. A moment of silence follows, then the man and the barman lock eyes. The man is obviously still recovering, with bruises and scars pretty much all over his face and body. He gets to the counter limping. "Morning," he utters. "Good morning," the barman says, with a voice that tries to make it sound as if nothing had happened. "What can I do for you?" "I'd like to have two black coffees," the man says. The barman starts laughing, then turns to his friends and says "Did you hear that? I'm not usually one for fighting, but it appears that in this case a lesson's been learned!" — he then looks back at the man and asks: "...and who are the two coffees for?"
"One is for me, and the other one is for that cum-swallowing, balls-gagging whore of a wife you have — I'm sorry, no coffee for you, you're just too fucking jittery!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s80x5/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I like my women how I like my Siberian Orchestras...

Trans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s7wjs/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_siberian_orchestras/
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An anti-vaxxer goes to the bar with a few friends.

They all decide on a round of tequila,  but he turns down the offer. When asked why, he simply says,
"Sorry guys, I dont do shots."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s7s09/an_antivaxxer_goes_to_the_bar_with_a_few_friends/
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What is Han Solo's favorite type of video game?

First person shooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s7rtn/what_is_han_solos_favorite_type_of_video_game/
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Ghost babay says

BOo hoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s7rc6/ghost_babay_says/
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They say “You are what you eat.”

But if you eat a vegetarian, you’re probably not a vegetarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s7qce/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
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My mom said she will smash my head against my keyboard if i dont get off my computer.

Well guess what? Im not going to getododkdjfjjdajndjxixushsbbduxuhha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s7o7z/my_mom_said_she_will_smash_my_head_against_my/
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TIFU by accidentally cutting down by neighbour's hedge instead of my own

Whoops, wrong shrub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s7kh3/tifu_by_accidentally_cutting_down_by_neighbours/
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A married man left work early one Friday afternoon.

Instead of going  home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. When  he finally returned home on Sunday night, His wife really got on his  case and stayed on it.
After a couple of hours of swearing and  screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer "How  would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days?!?"
The husband couldn’t believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by and the man didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn’t see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit and he could see her a
little, out of the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s7jkx/a_married_man_left_work_early_one_friday_afternoon/
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A man walks out of a bar

stumbling back and forth with a key in his  hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About  this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s prick is hanging out  for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you Aware that you  are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD. . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s7ii2/a_man_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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When I was young, I used to play chess with my father and he always beat me.

Probably because I always won in chess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s7gyf/when_i_was_young_i_used_to_play_chess_with_my/
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If you lined up all the elephants in the world along the equator, tail to trunk...

Most of them would die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s7ebn/if_you_lined_up_all_the_elephants_in_the_world/
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How do you call a snobby criminal walking downstairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s77gg/how_do_you_call_a_snobby_criminal_walking/
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How are pandas made?

You punch a polar bear in the eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s73dk/how_are_pandas_made/
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A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .

It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud voice:
“I FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!”
Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesn’t move, but he also doesn’t take his eyes off the old man.
“You hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!”
The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier.
“What’s the matter with ya, ya pussy? Ain’t you got  nothing to say?!”
Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . .
. . . and says . . .
“Let’s get you home, Grampa. You’re drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s6wef/a_drunk_old_man_stumbles_into_a_bar/
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Life is like a box of chocolates.

You wish you had a box of chocolates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s6vb6/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s6uat/i_havent_had_sex_since_1956/
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Told my wife i was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s6qry/told_my_wife_i_was_so_stressed_that_only_a/
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What did the emo computer say to the other emo computer?

rar XD *uncompresses your files*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s6pwn/what_did_the_emo_computer_say_to_the_other_emo/
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Halloween

I’m going to be brett kavanaugh for Halloween so even the houses that don’t have candy can give me candy.
Because I can’t take no for an answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s6ovx/halloween/
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An uncreative man who cant think of a User ID buys a chair on Amazon.

*Username* checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s6o5k/an_uncreative_man_who_cant_think_of_a_user_id/
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I took my dog to the vet for fleas.

But they wouldn't give him any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s6n70/i_took_my_dog_to_the_vet_for_fleas/
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[OC] I asked my friend for advice as I was being too submissive

"Say no more." He replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s6jpe/oc_i_asked_my_friend_for_advice_as_i_was_being/
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Why did the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt?

Pyramid schemes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s6i9p/why_did_the_financial_system_collapse_in_ancient/
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My wife said she would have anal sex after she shaved her asshole.

I didn’t know she hated my beard that much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s6hgl/my_wife_said_she_would_have_anal_sex_after_she/
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What do you call a cow with epilepsy?

...beef jerky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s6fxp/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_epilepsy/
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A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s6bki/a_single_zombie_is_scary_but_a_row_of_zombies/
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If a psychic dwarf escapes from prison would he be a . .

small medium at large?﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s65xs/if_a_psychic_dwarf_escapes_from_prison_would_he/
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s61zr/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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The gynecologist who became a mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the
results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s619m/the_gynecologist_who_became_a_mechanic/
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The Duck Farmer

A duck farmer had three boys. The family was real poor, so he sent the boys to town, each with their own duck to sell. As the boys came to the edge of town, the eldest said “I want to stop at this whore house and see if I can sell my duck.” He wanders on in and upon seeing one of the ladies politely asks “Ma’am, would you like to buy a duck?” She replies “I can only give you $5 for it.” Excited, he runs out to his awaiting brothers and exclaims “I got $5 for my duck!”
The second brother says “I want to see what I can get.” He runs into another lady and asks “Would you like to buy a duck?” “I can only give you $10 for it.” Off he goes shouting “I got $10!” so proud that he outdid his brother.
The youngest brother was kind of slow, so the guys didn’t expect much from him. He walks in shyly, seeing one of the girls inquires “La-la-lady, do you wanna buy a duck?” She smiled and said “I can’t afford to buy it, but I will fuck you for it.” They go off to do the dirty deed. As he is about to leave, he runs into a lady that already bought a duck. “Hey there, I don’t know what I am going to do with a duck. If you take it back, I will fuck you for it.” Off they go to do the dirty deed. He opens the door about to walk out and his duck escapes, runs into the road and is hit by a semi. The driver was so upset, he gave the boy $50. The youngster gets back to his brothers nonchalantly. “So, what did you get?” the both asked together.
“Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and fifty bucks for a fucked up duck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s5yfo/the_duck_farmer/
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UN conducts a survey worldwide

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s5u4i/un_conducts_a_survey_worldwide/
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A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve when they feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing.” Replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” Exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” replies officer Rudolph before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile.
“See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s5qhz/a_couple_is_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
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Mom: I called “daddy” on your phone

Daughter: and?
Mom: your father picked up. You fucking virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s5iy2/mom_i_called_daddy_on_your_phone/
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2 girls run up to their dad and ask "how did we get our names?"

The dad says "Rose, when you where little, a rose fell on your head" and "Daisy, when you were little a daisy fell on your head". Then the dads son walks up to him and the dad says "Oh hey Brick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s5ioc/2_girls_run_up_to_their_dad_and_ask_how_did_we/
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I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s5bfj/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
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Why did the document go to prison?

Because he is a pdf file.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s590f/why_did_the_document_go_to_prison/
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What do you call it when a priest comes on to a choir boy?

Faptism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s58rb/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_priest_comes_on_to_a/
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A joke from my 4 year old: What do you call accidents made by ghosts?

Boo boos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s57le/a_joke_from_my_4_year_old_what_do_you_call/
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A priest, a vegan and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar...

The priest says: “I’ll have a glass of water”.
The vegan says: “I want a glass of soy milk”.
The anti-vaxxer fucking dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s56gs/a_priest_a_vegan_and_an_antivaxxer_walk_into_a_bar/
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How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to change the bulb, and the other to hold the penis.
Wait. Shit.
Ladder. Hold the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s55zm/how_many_freudian_psychologists_does_it_take_to/
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A friend of mine once said "the only food that can make you cry is an onion"

That was until I hit him in the face with a watermelon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s53p8/a_friend_of_mine_once_said_the_only_food_that_can/
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A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your laundry in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s531o/a_few_days_ago_i_was_talking_to_some_friends_and/
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I’m reading a horror novel in Braille

Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s4zgi/im_reading_a_horror_novel_in_braille/
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Cancer is so easy to beat lol

Im already on stage 4 noobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s4ub9/cancer_is_so_easy_to_beat_lol/
%
I just bought the new iPhone, but my son dropped it and the screen shattered.

Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!
The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s4svm/i_just_bought_the_new_iphone_but_my_son_dropped/
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How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s4rsz/how_much_does_a_pirate_pay_for_corn/
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An angry mom once told me that she’d get her kid vaccinated when pigs fly.

Alas, swine flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s4qrd/an_angry_mom_once_told_me_that_shed_get_her_kid/
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TIL Bill Gates once released a swarm of mosquitoes at a TED talk about malaria, saying that it shouldn’t be an experience only for poor people...

I can't wait to go see his new talk about gun violence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s4mzs/til_bill_gates_once_released_a_swarm_of/
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How many Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

We will never know because they’re too busy blaming the liberal media for the light bulb not working or conspiring to plant a faulty bulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s4l6q/how_many_trump_supporters_does_it_take_to_change/
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My friend calls his girlfriend "Tomorrow"

...because tomorrow never comes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s4l39/my_friend_calls_his_girlfriend_tomorrow/
%
I was late to my french lesson because I was doing an IQ test.

Turns out, je suis en retard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s4kvt/i_was_late_to_my_french_lesson_because_i_was/
%
I accidentally pooped in my new Sleep Number Bed

I had it set on number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s4k65/i_accidentally_pooped_in_my_new_sleep_number_bed/
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The 3 main difference between the UK and the USA

In the UK it's football. In the USA it's soccer.
In the UK it's Colour. In the USA it's Color.
In the UK it's School. In the USA it's shooting range.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s49e7/the_3_main_difference_between_the_uk_and_the_usa/
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Why was the blonde fired from the M&Ms factory?

Because she threw out all the Ws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s47u2/why_was_the_blonde_fired_from_the_mms_factory/
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A woman is having a foursome while her husband is at work

Suddenly however, she hears her husband enter the house.
“Oh shit, here’s my husband! Quick, hide before he sees you!”
The first guy hides in the closet and shuts the doors.
The second guy hides under the bed and pulls down the covers.
The third guy hides on the balcony and closes the window.
“Oh honey! You’re home early! How was your day?”
“Great, my boss let me leave early after giving me a day off for my hard work!” He opens the closet to put his suit away and sees the firs guy.
“What are you doing here?” He says, confused. “And why are you not wearing a shirt?”
The intruder thinks fast and answers: “Well, I’m very poor so I found a job at IKEA for repair services, and this week our boss told us to go to our best customers’ homes to check and fix their purchases on the spot for free!”
The wife confirms this as true and tells her husband she let him in. The husband smiles and says, “Well I’m very happy you came! Here’s 40 dollars to buy yourself a shirt!”
The second guy hears this, comes out from under the bed and says, and I just checked your bed, sir!”
The wife also confirms this. The husband smiles and says, “Good job to both of you. Here’s 40 dollars to you too.”
The third guy sees all of this, comes out from the balcony and says, “Don’t forgot me, sir! I also fucked your wife!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s45sb/a_woman_is_having_a_foursome_while_her_husband_is/
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A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.

The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s43in/a_woman_got_on_a_bus_holding_a_baby/
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Feet:

They're the stuff of leg ends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s41ff/feet/
%
The magician was driving home, when suddenly...

...he turned into a driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s3z7x/the_magician_was_driving_home_when_suddenly/
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It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.

If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s3yiu/its_been_raining_for_3_days_without_stopping_my/
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A little boy says 'Daddy where do babies come from?'

His dad says 'a stork'
The boy says 'but who fucks the stork?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s3y1e/a_little_boy_says_daddy_where_do_babies_come_from/
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Q. Why are fish so good at watching their weight?

A. Because they have lots of scales!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s3riv/q_why_are_fish_so_good_at_watching_their_weight/
%
After some serious drinking and three attempts to walk home upright, some guy decides to crawl home instead...

The next morning his wife yells at him; "Come on, how much did you drink yesterday?!"
"Why, not that much, i guess?"
"The bar just called, you forgot your wheelchair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s3jjl/after_some_serious_drinking_and_three_attempts_to/
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Dads are like boomerangs

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s3iq8/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
What happens when you shart in church?

They make you sit in your own pew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s3ghp/what_happens_when_you_shart_in_church/
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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s3de7/a_professor_a_ceo_and_a_janitor_are_in_a_forest/
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2 blind guys were about to fight

I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins! Both started running away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s3cc3/2_blind_guys_were_about_to_fight/
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A Roman asked his friend about his new girlfriend

Roman: "On a scale of 1-10, how hot is she?"
Friend: "10 for sure, why?"
Roman: "Well, your 10 is my X"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s36ly/a_roman_asked_his_friend_about_his_new_girlfriend/
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Guy walks into a barber shop..

..and says “Chuck Wood here?”
Barber says “no we cut hair.”
Guy says “yeah obviously...I’m looking for my friend Chuck Wood.”
Barber says “oh yeah, he is over there getting in some curls.”
Guy says “Chuck doesn’t lift weights.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s3517/guy_walks_into_a_barber_shop/
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A plan to improve the English language

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s33hg/a_plan_to_improve_the_english_language/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s33hf/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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One day at the church

By the time the morning service was about to being, there was only one man in the church.
The priest said to him "It looks like everyone has slept in. Do you want to go home, or should I preach the sermon?"
The man replied "When I go to feed the chickens and only one comes, I still feed it."
The priest took that as a yes, mounted the pulpit and delivered an hour long sermon.
At the end, he asked the man, what he thought.
The man replied "When I go to feed the chickens, and only one comes, I don't give it the whole bucket!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s31i8/one_day_at_the_church/
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Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can watch the battle too ;-;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2v5a/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_view_mirrors/
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Shout out to the undertaker who buried my mum in the wrong crypt, you'd better watch your back!

You made a grave error

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2uyg/shout_out_to_the_undertaker_who_buried_my_mum_in/
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I was told to dress as the scariest thing possible for the Halloween party...

How do I dress as my student debt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2trw/i_was_told_to_dress_as_the_scariest_thing/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar filled with $100 dollar bills.

He asks the bartender what's with the jar?
Bartender tells him you won all the money if you complete the challenge, but I won't tell you what it is untill you put your $100 into the jar.
The man is so curious about the challenge, then after a few drinks he says.
"Fuck it!"
Then puts a $100 bill into the jar
Bartender says
"Okay, first you've got to take 5 shots of tequila, back to back, and you can't make a face. Then, I've got a pit chained out back, and got a bad tooth. You've gotta find it, and pull it out. Finally, my grandma is staying in one of the rooms upstairs. She's on her deathbed and all she wants is to get laid for the last time. Ypu gptta go fuck my grandma."
The man is reluctant because he's already drank plenty, and he's not sure if he can drink that much tequila without making a face . So he doesn't  accept the challenge at first.
Eventually he builds up the courage, and says
"Alright! Pour the shots!"
He takes 5 shots of tequila, back to back, doesn't even make a face. He stumbles out back. Everyone In the bar hears the pit barking and growling. Creating a large commotion. Then silence...
Everyone assumed the man was killed by the dog.
Then he stumbles  back inside scratched, bruised, and with a torn up shirt and he says
"Alright!    Where's that old lady with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2tif/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_large_jar/
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Yesterday i kidnapped a baby kangaroo.

I got arrested in charge of pickpocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2qrl/yesterday_i_kidnapped_a_baby_kangaroo/
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Doctors must hate insomniacs

They always ask them how they sleep at night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2qho/doctors_must_hate_insomniacs/
%
What's the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2qgz/whats_the_difference_between_a_sniper_with_bad/
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A mother was having trouble putting her child to sleep.

It's 3 am. No matter what she did, the kid wouldn't fall asleep. She ran out of ideas so she decided to text a friend.
Hey Sam, I'm desperately looking for some advice. Johnny won't fall asleep and I don't know what else I'm going to do to make him fall asleep.
He answers. My dad told me I always had trouble falling asleep when I was a kid so he would throw me into the air a couple times and it would the job.
Does that really work?, she asks.
It depends. How high is your ceiling?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2plw/a_mother_was_having_trouble_putting_her_child_to/
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What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2nvs/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_priest/
%
Girlfriends are like algebra

You look at your x and wonder y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2n0o/girlfriends_are_like_algebra/
%
Tell the punchline first.

How to ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2mh6/tell_the_punchline_first/
%
Classical music is such a scam...

You pay hundreds of dollars to go see Mozart live and in concert, and every time it's just a cover band

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2m7c/classical_music_is_such_a_scam/
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The whole truth

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her,
“I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with,
“I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says,
“Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2l9u/the_whole_truth/
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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The chief released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2ito/police_have_arrested_a_man_for_having_sex_with/
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You don't need to vaccinate all of your children.

Only those you wanna keep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2gpp/you_dont_need_to_vaccinate_all_of_your_children/
%
At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want to try doggy tonight."

Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees.
So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner.
After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans
over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart"
The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "What? What about
doggy?"
The husband replies, "Honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want
more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2fgj/at_breakfast_a_husband_says_to_his_wife_i_want_to/
%
Guy walks into a doctor's office, he says he wants to live to 90.

Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?"
Man: "No"
Doctor: "Smoke marijuana?"
Man: "No"
Doctor: "Do any other drugs or partying?"
Man: "No"
Doctor: "Fool around with a lot of loose women?"
Man: "No"
Doctor: "...what to you want to live to 90 for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2el8/guy_walks_into_a_doctors_office_he_says_he_wants/
%
Mickey Mouse was at the bar...

....drowning his sorrows in a beer.  The bartender says, "Hey Mickey.  It's not so bad if Minnie is a bit strange and acts silly."  Mickey looks up and says, "You asshole, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2chb/mickey_mouse_was_at_the_bar/
%
I just bought a vacuum cleaner from Wal-Mart.

It's the only thing I ever bought there that didn't suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2axy/i_just_bought_a_vacuum_cleaner_from_walmart/
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Words in a dictionary were having a fight

'Honest' says, "My H is silent". 'Tsunami' says, "My T is silent". 'Island' says, "My S is silent".
'Queue' says, "Hold my beer stupids".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s28x8/words_in_a_dictionary_were_having_a_fight/
%
The first time I slept with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.

I thought, “This will make sure she’s never late again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2739/the_first_time_i_slept_with_my_girlfriend_all_i/
%
What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s26mc/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
%
A man and a woman walk into a bar

and the man turns to the woman and says, "Hey, I've got this magic water that can make me fly."
Then the woman says "I don't believe you. Show me."
So the man downs a magic water and gets on the top of the roof, jumps off, and flies back on.
The woman says "Wow! Do that again!"
And so the man goes back downstairs to drink another magic water, gets back on the roof, jumps off, flies back on.
The woman says
"Whoa! I gotta try that for myself!" The woman goes downstairs, asks the bar tender for some magic water, drinks it, gets on the roof, jumps off, and injures herself badly.
When the man comes back downstairs the bar tender says to him,
"You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s2163/a_man_and_a_woman_walk_into_a_bar/
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what do you call it when the devil takes your car?

repossessed ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s1yh9/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_devil_takes_your_car/
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Four people in the carriage of a train

...an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"
The pretty young blonde thinks "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"
The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"
The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s1xbe/four_people_in_the_carriage_of_a_train/
%
What is eminent domain?

When the government makes you an offer you can’t refuse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s1pe9/what_is_eminent_domain/
%
An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.

The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to eat two buckets of shit every day.”
The American responded, “Well, I would rather be encompassed by Americans and just eat one bucket of shit daily.” And he was sent to American hell.
The Russian thought for a while before replying, “Well, it sort of sucks that we need to eat two buckets of shit, but I rather surround myself with Russians. I choose Russian hell.” And he was sent to Russian hell.
A few years later, they met again. The Russian asked the American how his time in hell was.
The American replied, ” It’s not too bad actually. It’s comforting that most people are American there and it feels like home. The only sore spot is that I have to eat a bucket of shit daily. What about you?”
The Russian replied, “I feel you. It really feels like right at home, either they forget to deliver the shit or there are not enough buckets for everyone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s1kgh/an_american_and_a_russian_died_and_went_to_the/
%
In the USA a dogs go "woof woof", in Japan dogs go "wan wan", and in China dogs go

"Sizzle sizzle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s1hst/in_the_usa_a_dogs_go_woof_woof_in_japan_dogs_go/
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What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?

A copy cat :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s1bsn/what_do_you_call_a_cat_that_works_at_a_printing/
%
If Germany was the Fatherland and the Soviet Union was the Motherland,

does that make WWII domestic violence?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s18uz/if_germany_was_the_fatherland_and_the_soviet/
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I used to be a really kind person, but since my girlfriend, Ruth, left me

I've been Ruthless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s17bz/i_used_to_be_a_really_kind_person_but_since_my/
%
If I could be any superhero, I’d be Aluminium Man...

My superpower would be foiling crime...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s13m9/if_i_could_be_any_superhero_id_be_aluminium_man/
%
Swiss Cheese has holes

More Cheese, more holes. More holes, less cheese. Less cheese, less holes. Less holes, more cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s1357/swiss_cheese_has_holes/
%
I added Paul Walker on XBOX Live.

Turns out, he's always on the dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s0mjs/i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox_live/
%
My dad told me that I was adopted.

I didn't believe him. After all, I had so many things in common with him and with my mom. It couldn't be true.
Then he told me that it most certainly was true and to pack my bags, as my new family would be arriving in an hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s0m3a/my_dad_told_me_that_i_was_adopted/
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Do you know the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has a dirt bag on the inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s0kwv/do_you_know_the_difference_between_a_vacuum/
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How can you tell when you're going into cardiac arrest?

Your heart says: "You have the right to remain silent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s0k75/how_can_you_tell_when_youre_going_into_cardiac/
%
I hate those people who knock on your door saying that they're there to "save you" or "you'll burn"

STUPID FIREMEN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s0gwk/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_saying/
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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom..

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s0g34/little_johnny_wakes_up_one_night_hearing_noises/
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The same ghost spooked me twice

Deja BOO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s0eo0/the_same_ghost_spooked_me_twice/
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Me: "Yea, I know man. I can't believe it's risen 1500%

Me:  "Yea, I know man.   I can't believe it's risen 1500%
My professor stops writing on the chalkboard and turns around.  "Nothing that raises 1500% that quickly is a good investment.  I'm so tired of hearing about Bitcoin this Bitcoin that"
Me:  We were talking about the cost of College tuition since 1990

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s0a7k/me_yea_i_know_man_i_cant_believe_its_risen_1500/
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When people ask me what I put between the numerator and the denominator

Now that’s where I draw the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s09w0/when_people_ask_me_what_i_put_between_the/
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Peter was hiking through the forest…

when he came to a large hole. He threw in a small stone but didn’t hear it land. Confused, he picked up a larger rock, but still no thud. Thoroughly bewildered, he dragged over a large rock and heaved it into the hole. Still nothing.
He decided he needed to figure this out. Dragging over a massive log, he rolled it down the hole. Although he still didn’t hear the sound of it hitting bottom, he was baffled when a dog ran by barking loudly and jumped into the hole.
Now Peter was a bit worried, so he backed away and began to eat his lunch. Not 10 minutes passed when another man walked over. “Excuse me, have you seen my dog?”
Peter replied, “I just saw a dog jump down that hole not 10 minutes ago!”
“Nah” the man replied. “Couldn’t have been *my* dog. I tied him to a log.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s08qc/peter_was_hiking_through_the_forest/
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You hear about the snail who had to call a tow truck?

He couldn't make 'is car go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s07v7/you_hear_about_the_snail_who_had_to_call_a_tow/
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I have a feeling that my mouth transplant surgery went horribly wrong.

The voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s04y3/i_have_a_feeling_that_my_mouth_transplant_surgery/
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Why are graveyards noisy?

Because of all of the coffin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s03a5/why_are_graveyards_noisy/
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TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.

It just ain't right turning your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s02wi/til_the_reverse_cowgirl_position_is_frowned_upon/
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The Genie

One day a man is walking on Malibu beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it, and a genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one wish. Anything in the world is yours!" The man sits at the spot he found the genie and thought. And thought. And thought. He told the genie "I don't want anything, to be honest." The genie is shocked, as he has never encountered such a humble human. "Nothing? Nothing at all? I can give you the world's riches! Give you the best intellect on the planet! I can make you the most attractive man in the universe! Fame! Everything!" The man thinks for a little bit longer. He finally says to the genie "Well, I hate flying, so can you do me this one thing?" The genie was paying attention. "Can you build me a bridge from California to Hawaii? I've always wanted to go but I hate flying." The genie stood there shocked. "But... It'll be impossible to do that! The depth of the ocean, the tides, the moon, it's impossible for me to do that! Think of something else..." The man pondered, and said "Well, I'd love to know how women think." The genie SNAPS his fingers and says "WE'RE BUILDING THAT BRIDGE TO HONOLULU!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s02hy/the_genie/
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I've decided to be less sarcastic and profane.

So far, it's going pretty goddamn great. Off to a real fucking fantastic start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s01hq/ive_decided_to_be_less_sarcastic_and_profane/
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My wife thinks we live in a sitcom.

Psh. What a total joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s01h5/my_wife_thinks_we_live_in_a_sitcom/
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One day, a woman had 99 children.

She was the first woman to have this many children, and she was extremely surprised, and also shocked since she did not have the patience to come up with a name for every one, so she decided to name them simply 1-99. So the first child was one, and the next was two, and so on.
Three years later the mother and her 99 children was in their home, when a catastrophic explosion happened from the furnace downstairs. This was so catastrophic, that only one baby survived, the baby named 90. 90, from then on, lived on her own, without any parents, sleeping on the streets, and eating out of dumpsters.
When she was 8, a rich couple was walking down the street, and spotted 90. They saw her resourcefulness, and decided to adopt her. From then on, 90 had a great childhood, and when she was 22, decided to move out and have children of her own with her husband.
14 years later, 90 had five children. One day, the children found a puppy on the street. They wanted to take her home, however they knew their mother would not approve. Suddenly, one of the children had the idea to name the dog, “This”. They could sneak the dog in the shed as his home, and if they wanted to do something with this, they could say “Let’s take this outside!” So their mother would not catch on that they had a dog. The other kids agreed, and so they took this home.
The plan worked. Their mother did not catch on, and they had a dog that they loved. However, on one fateful day, one of the children didn’t lock up the dog properly, and ran out, into the street. The children looked, and didn’t have a second to react as the dog got hit by a car. They couldn’t believe it. The worst part is, they couldn’t cry, or their mother would catch on. And from that day forward, the children had saddened hearts. They couldn’t mourn openly. They couldn’t talk about it. They were heartbroken. And, even years later, it still affected them.
Only 90’s kids remember this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9s00aw/one_day_a_woman_had_99_children/
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What did the orphan boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.
Just kidding. It’s still in the box. He couldn’t open them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzzkc/what_did_the_orphan_boy_with_no_hands_get_for/
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A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP!…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER…
FASTER…
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
…on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…
and,
[Wait for it...]
The coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzxu8/a_man_was_walking_home_alone_late_one_foggy_night/
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A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”
The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”
The Russian replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzxa9/a_frenchman_and_englishman_and_a_soviet_russian/
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Why does Jesus hate hockey?

He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzw7k/why_does_jesus_hate_hockey/
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What happens when you hire indigenous women to clean your house?

Ethnic cleansing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzw5u/what_happens_when_you_hire_indigenous_women_to/
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What do you call a gay neanderthal with a boner?

Homo Erectus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzw52/what_do_you_call_a_gay_neanderthal_with_a_boner/
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Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.

The black hole couldn't escape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzujl/chuck_norris_fell_into_a_black_hole/
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A man is tested by a psychologist for sexual obsession.

The psychologist draws a line and asks the man what it is. "This is a penis," answers the man.
Then the psychologist draws a circle and asks the man the same question. "This is a tit," replies the man.
Finally the psychologist draws a triangle, which the man identifies as a vagina.
"It's true," concludes the psychologist, "you are sexually obsessed. "
"Me?" disagrees the man, "Who did all these obscene drawings?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzs2h/a_man_is_tested_by_a_psychologist_for_sexual/
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Yesterday I kidnapped a baby kangaroo..

I got arrested in charge of pickpocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzr2e/yesterday_i_kidnapped_a_baby_kangaroo/
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"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home.."

".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzld9/grandpa_caught_a_virus_yesterday_while_browsing/
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Two drunk Irishmen (long)

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he can buy him a drink. "Why, of course," the man replies in a thick Irish accent. "Where are you from?" asks the first man. "Ireland!" replies the second. "Really?" says the first man. "Aye'm from Ireland too! Bartender, put up two pints for Ireland!" The two of them drink to Ireland.
"So where in Ireland are ye from?" asks the first man. "Dublin." replies the second. "Did ye hear that, bartender?" says the first man. "Aye'm from Dublin too! Put up another round - for Dublin!!" The two men drink to Dublin.
"So where did ye go to school?" asks the first. "St. Mary's," answers the second. "St. Mary's, really? Noooo! AYE went to St. Mary's too! Bartender, another round for St. Mary's!" They guzzle it down.
A regular patron has just sat down at the bar, and asks the bartender, "What is going on over there?"
The bartender says, "Oh, nothing much. The O'Malley twins are just drunk again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzi98/two_drunk_irishmen_long/
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Sex sex sex (sfw)

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzh7h/sex_sex_sex_sfw/
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What does the "M." in M. Night Shyamalan stand for?

Thomas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzeaw/what_does_the_m_in_m_night_shyamalan_stand_for/
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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f\*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzag3/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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Today I watched a horror film.

An OSHA instruction video.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rzafi/today_i_watched_a_horror_film/
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Call a woman beautiful and she’ll soon forget. Call a woman fat and she’ll remember always,

because an elephant never forgets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rz9su/call_a_woman_beautiful_and_shell_soon_forget_call/
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What did the demon say to the wig...

... who traded his soul to become real hair?
There will be hell, toupee.
(Made this up a while ago. Terrible joke and I'm almost sure it's been made before, but I felt obligated to share it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rz9ac/what_did_the_demon_say_to_the_wig/
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Why does it cost $1.50 to put air in car tires?

Inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rz7qd/why_does_it_cost_150_to_put_air_in_car_tires/
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What does a squirrel and a cigarette have in common?

They’re both safe until you light them on fire and put them in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ryz4w/what_does_a_squirrel_and_a_cigarette_have_in/
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My neighbours have two sons - identical twins names Jamal and Juan.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ryxgp/my_neighbours_have_two_sons_identical_twins_names/
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(Joke my manager told me) What do you call a belt made out of watches.

A waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rywui/joke_my_manager_told_me_what_do_you_call_a_belt/
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I went out last night to a theme party dressed as a chicken and I met a girl who was dressed as an egg. One thing led to another and a life long question was answered.............

It was the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rytth/i_went_out_last_night_to_a_theme_party_dressed_as/
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I told my girlfriend that I made traditional African food

She was really surprised when I handed her an empty plate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ryqtj/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_i_made_traditional/
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I cooked my first meal today... a steak for my dad.

“Well done,” he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rypsd/i_cooked_my_first_meal_today_a_steak_for_my_dad/
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I know two lesbian vampires...

They get together once a month for drinks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ryp2d/i_know_two_lesbian_vampires/
%
I was goimg to post a time traveling joke...

But you guys didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ryp0c/i_was_goimg_to_post_a_time_traveling_joke/
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Why is the tower of Pisa leaning?

It had better reflexes than the twin towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ryojy/why_is_the_tower_of_pisa_leaning/
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Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ryn2a/me_whats_the_wifi_password/
%
Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.

Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran very quickly.
- "I can't run that fast" - The monk thought.
He started training. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the fastest monk in the whole world. He then returned to his farm. As always, the thief appeared and took 3 carrots. The monk started chasing him through the fields until they reached a fence. The thief jumped over it, but the monk stopped.
- "I can't jump that high" - He thought.
He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the highest jumping monk. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence and they arrive at a lake. The thief jumps into it and swims away.
- "I can't swim" - The monk thought.
He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the best swimmer among all monks. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, they reach a mountain and the thief climbs it.
- "I can't climb" - The monk thought.
He started training climbing for days, weeks, months, until he became the best monk mountaineer in the world. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arived at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way. Suddenly, he punches the monk in the stomach.
- "I can't fight" - the monk thought.
He started training for days, weeks, months, until he became the best boxer of all monks. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arive at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way and knocks him down with one punch.
- "Why are you only stealing 3 carrots at a time?" - He asked the thief.
- "I will tell you, but promise to never tell anybody".
And the monk kept his promise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rym30/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_monk_who_farmed/
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What’s the difference between the people of Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don’t watch the Flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ryk7g/whats_the_difference_between_the_people_of_dubai/
%
Math joke

Your mom is so mean, she has no standard deviation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ryhpc/math_joke/
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A conspiracy theorist who doesn't believe in Zeus walks out into a field during a thunderstorm wearing his tinfoil hat to test his theory.

Needless to say, he was shocked when he learned the truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ryha9/a_conspiracy_theorist_who_doesnt_believe_in_zeus/
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Where does a viking keep their baby?

In the norsery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ryetv/where_does_a_viking_keep_their_baby/
%
I had to go during a haircut

so i asked them to cut it short

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rycm7/i_had_to_go_during_a_haircut/
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I Guess So

I was walking along a road near my home and I found a suitcase.
Upon opening it up, I saw there was a momma fox and 4 pups!
I called animal control and told the woman who answered what I’d found.
She said: “oh my God! That’s terrible! Are they moving?”
I said: “Well, I didn’t check but that would explain the suitcase.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ryckv/i_guess_so/
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A social misfit walks into his local bar

with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well  I’ll tell you," replies the ugly guy. "You know I live by the  railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to  the tracks, like in the movies.
I, of course, went and cut her  free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I  scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did  everything, me on top sometimes, her on top!"
"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty?"
"I dunno, I never found her head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rybzh/a_social_misfit_walks_into_his_local_bar/
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Professor and his students

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation."
"And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy up..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rybna/professor_and_his_students/
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A salesman telephoned a household

and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Child: She's not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Child: My sister
Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:
Child: Hello?
Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Child: I did.  I can’t get her out of the playpen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rybd2/a_salesman_telephoned_a_household/
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My great grandfather got me an IPad for my birthday.

My so-so grandfather got me a pair of socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ryadc/my_great_grandfather_got_me_an_ipad_for_my/
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How do you start a Revolution on a budget?

Using a Coup-on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ry3xg/how_do_you_start_a_revolution_on_a_budget/
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I dated a girl who owned a parrot once.

She was so annoying. Always mocked my voice, interrupted my phone calls, and wouldn't shut up.
The parrot was pretty cool, though, I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ry0v7/i_dated_a_girl_who_owned_a_parrot_once/
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19 and 20 had a fight

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rxzbk/19_and_20_had_a_fight/
%
I finally got myself a girlfriend!

I wish I could post this in another subreddit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rxxfb/i_finally_got_myself_a_girlfriend/
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Mother in law

A lady had 3 son in laws and she wanted to know who is the sincerest of them so she thought of trying them out one by one.
One day she asked the eldest one to come and help her in some errands. On the way back home she deliberately jumped into a water well and starts to drown. The eldest without hesitation jumped into the well and pulled her out to the safety. Next morning when the eldest woke up, he saw a brand new car parked in his driveway. That was a gift from his mother in law as an appreciation.
A few days later, she is trying out the middle one. Same story, she asks him for a helping hand, jumps into a water well and he saved her. Next morning when he wakes up, he finds a brand new motor bike parked in his driveway. Again, that was a gift from his mother in law.
A few days later, now she is trying out the youngest one. She jumps into the water well but the youngest is hesitant to jump after her. He thinks for a few moments that the eldest saved her and got a car, the middle one saved her and got a bike so if I save her she'd probably give me a bicycle which is not worth the effort really so he decides to let her drown.
The next morning he wakes up to find a Ferrari parked up in his drive way. That was a gift from his father in law.
(Apologies for the terrible sentence structure, I am not the native speaker of English).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rxj8l/mother_in_law/
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A man walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan.

The bartender looks at the man and says,
"You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rxiw0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_in_alabama_and_orders_a/
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Husband: I don't like three things about you. Wife: What things?

Husband: Your chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rxhb6/husband_i_dont_like_three_things_about_you_wife/
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A man has job working in the produce department of a grocery store in Ontario

As he is putting the last grapefruit on top of a pyramid of fruit, an old woman walks up and grabs a grapefruit from the bottom of the pyramid. As the grapefruits all tumble to the ground, she says she'd like to buy half a grapefruit.
Frustrated, the man walks into another aisle to cool down, and his boss asks him what happened in the produce area. The man says, "Ugh, some old biddy wants to buy HALF a grapefruit." Then he notices that the old woman has walked up behind him, and he says triumphantly, "And this nice lady wants to buy the other half!"
Impressed by his employee's diplomacy, his boss tells him that he wants to transfer him to Winnipeg to be in charge of the branch of the grocery store there. The man says,"Winnipeg?! There's nothing in Winnipeg but whores and hockey players!" Offended, his boss says coldly, "My MOTHER lives in Winnipeg." The guy then replies, "Say, what team does your mother play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rxfhg/a_man_has_job_working_in_the_produce_department/
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What game do kids in wheelchairs like to play?

Marco-Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rxext/what_game_do_kids_in_wheelchairs_like_to_play/
%
What do you call a pig with high aspirations in life?

Hambitious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rxdzj/what_do_you_call_a_pig_with_high_aspirations_in/
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A fine conductor.

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.
The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest pieces he has ever written. A month passes, and the big day arrives. The musician stands in front of the orchestra, the rulers looking on, and signals the orchestra to play... and they absolutely butcher it.
The dictator, furious, demands that the musician be executed immediately. The guards drag him to a grimy cell, and ask him what he'd like for his last meal.
"I want the hottest curry you can cook!" demands the musician.
The guards oblige, and bring the musician the spiciest curry he's ever tasted. He forces it down, and is led to the electric chair. The guards strap him down, pull the lever, and... nothing. The musician is completely unharmed! The dictator, having witnessed the miracle, decides to give the musician a second chance to compose a piece of music for the country's rulers.
The musician once again sets to work composing a beautiful piece. The big day arrives, the musician stands in front of his orchestra, and, once again, they completely ruin the piece. It was nothing like the musician intended it to sound! The fuming dictator again orders the execution of this incompetent musician.
As before, the musician is asked what he would like for his last meal.
"I want the hottest curry you can cook, and even hotter than last time!" orders the musician.
The guards set to work and cook the musician the hottest curry they possibly can, throwing in a whole concoction of chili peppers and spices.
The musician, sweating, struggles to finish the curry, but chokes it down nonetheless. The guards once again lead him to the electric chair, and strap him down. They throw the switch, sparks fly, and once again, by some will of the gods, the musician is completely alive and well.
The dictator is stunned. He offers the musician one final chance to compose the greatest piece he can, and one chance only. The musician sets to work composing his greatest masterpiece, and finally the day of the concert arrives. The ruling classes look on as the musician takes to his podium. He raises his baton, takes a deep breath, and signals the orchestra to start playing.
The musician trembles. The orchestra are horribly out of key, out of time, and playing all the wrong chords. The dictator demands the concert be halted, and has the musician thrown in jail once again.
As before, the musician is asked what he would like for his final meal.
"The hottest curry that has ever been cooked!" instructs the musician.
The dictator, upon hearing this request, snaps, "absolutely not! I've had enough with you cheating death with your outrageously hot curries!"
The musician is dragged straight to the electric chair, and strapped down. He has wires connected to him in every place possible, and just for luck, the dictator announces that he will personally throw the switch this time.
The guards look on in angst. The dictator pulls the switch. Sparks fly and generators groan. The dictator holds the switch down for minutes on end before the power finally blows, yet, much to his amazement, the musician is completely unscathed!
"But, how?!" demands the dictator. "No man should survive that!"
"Oh!" exclaims the musician. "It had nothing to do with the curries! I'm just a terrible conductor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rxcd6/a_fine_conductor/
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There were three kingdoms,

each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.
The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knght with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rxbzz/there_were_three_kingdoms/
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A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex...

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rxajp/a_little_boy_caught_his_mom_and_dad_having_sex/
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Doctor told me to stop mastrubating

Doctor : “you HAVE to stop mastrubating”
Me: “Oh no doctor, why?! “
Doctor: “ Because i am talking to you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rx7pq/doctor_told_me_to_stop_mastrubating/
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A bear walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey....................................and a cola

"why the big pause," the bartender asked
"I don't know, I was born with them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rx4oj/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_whiskeyand/
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Last night I dreamt I was putting a muffler on my car

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rx45z/last_night_i_dreamt_i_was_putting_a_muffler_on_my/
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My grandmother bakes cookies the fastest

It literally takes her nanaseconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rx24r/my_grandmother_bakes_cookies_the_fastest/
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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.
Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...
"Want to make a bet while we wait?" The Gambler asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you."
The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks.
"Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line.
Next, the gambler taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts.
"This one's easy!" the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!"
Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line.
Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made.
"Okay, let's see..." The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He's a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes.
The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. "You ain't taking me alive!"
The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with.
The gambler holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "Fuck the police!"
Wrong again. The gambler's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before.
Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!"
The man steps aside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rx23a/a_gambler_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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A lot of people disagree with the monarchy

But the Queen is always on the money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rx039/a_lot_of_people_disagree_with_the_monarchy/
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I took a urine test at the hospital today.

My kleptomania is getting out of hand...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rwzme/i_took_a_urine_test_at_the_hospital_today/
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Who is this Rorschach guy

And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rwz2h/who_is_this_rorschach_guy/
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What do you call someone who’s part Jew?

Jewish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rwy8m/what_do_you_call_someone_whos_part_jew/
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What is a ducks favorite drug...

Quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rwwrg/what_is_a_ducks_favorite_drug/
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A new nurse starts working at the hospital and is assigned to go take the vitals of the patients on the floor.

A second nurse is assigned to follow her to make sure she does it right and to check her work. The new nurse is chatting about how her nursing school is really pushing all kinds of new modern techniques and she can't wait to use them every day.
In the first patient's room, the nurse takes the man's blood pressure, and pulse, then she pulls up the man's gown and shoves her finger into his ass. After waiting a few seconds, she pulls it out and writes down something on his chart. The second nurse reminds her to take his temperature and the first nurse says she already put it on the chart. The second nurse checks and sure enough, there it is. She pulls out her rectal thermometer and double checks but the temp is right on.
So they go to the second patient and the procedure is repeated. Blood pressure, pulse, finger up the ass. The second nurse pulls out the rectal thermometer and double checks. Again, dead on.
Finally after the third repeat of the procedure, she says, "You know, the only reliable way to get a core temperature is to use a rectal thermometer. I'm going to have to put you on report."
The new nurse looks really hurt and says, "This is one of those new techniques we were taught. Instead of using those old slow rectal thermometers, now we just use digital."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rwvv6/a_new_nurse_starts_working_at_the_hospital_and_is/
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Woman are like an open book

But it's written in chinese and about quantum mechanics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rwszr/woman_are_like_an_open_book/
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Sugar Shorts . . .

A group of Tennessee bikers were riding east on Highway 74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
Walter Hawk, their leader, a man of 63, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin’?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!”
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," Walter also didn't want to miss this the "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ole Hawk here your best last kiss?”
So with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, Walter gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.”
It’s still unclear whether he jumped or was pushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rwpya/sugar_shorts/
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What do Welsh men and Apple users have in common?

Both are fucking sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rwm5u/what_do_welsh_men_and_apple_users_have_in_common/
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African Horses

In a world of horse racing dominated by the West, a new super power emerged. South African jockeys were jockeys were completely dismantling their opponents despite riding lame horses and weighing 250 pounds. Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beating out their richer rivals.
The top European horse racing organisations put together a group of specialist spies to try to find out how they were being beaten so convincingly by people who could barely afford to even feed their horses. Eventually, their investigations took them to a small hut with a cross on it in the centre of the vast plains, covered in huge racks of drying leather.
Inside, they find a shrivelled old man who seems to be shaping and blessing the rough leather, before cutting it into thin strips. They ask him what he is doing, and why these new jockeys are doing so well. He lifts his head and smiles.
"I BLESS THE REINS DOWN IN AAAAFRICA"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rwkf3/african_horses/
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What's the best advice you can give men addicted to porn/masturbation?

Get a grip man, get a hold of yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rwkcf/whats_the_best_advice_you_can_give_men_addicted/
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much a beer is

The bartender says "for you, no charge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rw5c1/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_how_much_a/
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What do you say to a female horse that is lying down?

Get this gallop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rw578/what_do_you_say_to_a_female_horse_that_is_lying/
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9/10 People are stupid

I'm glad to be in the 1% !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rw4i1/910_people_are_stupid/
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If laughter is the best medicine...

Then making fun of anti-vaxxers should be considered a public service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rw3ia/if_laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
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My girlfriend doesn't eat black rice because it's black...

She is a ricist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rw20g/my_girlfriend_doesnt_eat_black_rice_because_its/
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Do you know why they named it Club Penguin?

Because naming it Club Seal would've been a bit on the nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rw1fe/do_you_know_why_they_named_it_club_penguin/
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An elderly couple are sitting in a busy church...

The wife shifts in her seat and looks around sheepishly. She leans in to her husband and whispers "I just did a silent fart, I hope nobody notices"
The husband leans closer, puts his lips to her ear and in a louder whisper replies "You need new batteries in your hearing aid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rw1f7/an_elderly_couple_are_sitting_in_a_busy_church/
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The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train...

The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rw1c1/the_pessimist_sees_a_tunnel_the_optimist_a_light/
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Both right and left political extremists are like testicles...

They're both nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rvzrh/both_right_and_left_political_extremists_are_like/
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My wife tells me to stop using big words I don't understand

I think she's just over-ejaculating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rvyaw/my_wife_tells_me_to_stop_using_big_words_i_dont/
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Kids are like farts

I only like my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rvoyj/kids_are_like_farts/
%
Why did the little strawberry cry?

Cause his mom was in a jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rvo7o/why_did_the_little_strawberry_cry/
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Why do accountants make the best lovers?

Cause they're skilled at double entry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rvnqn/why_do_accountants_make_the_best_lovers/
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The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rvn31/the_local_charity_realized_that_it_had_never/
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I wasn’t sure what to wear to The Premature Ejaculation Clinic...

So I came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rvldf/i_wasnt_sure_what_to_wear_to_the_premature/
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All this talk about International trade wars.....

It’s just Tariffying....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rvi5u/all_this_talk_about_international_trade_wars/
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Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?

Because it'll come back to bite you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rvhmx/why_should_you_never_throw_a_snake_like_a/
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What'll get you higher, weed or a ladder?

The latter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rvhls/whatll_get_you_higher_weed_or_a_ladder/
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A man is riding his donkey in the desert looking for treasure.

They go 5 miles, and pass an oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,
“Just a little longer, Jackass.
They go 10 miles, and pass another oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,
“Just a little longer, Jackass.”
They go 15 miles, and pass another oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,
“Just a little longer, Jackass.”
They go 20 miles, and pass another oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,
“Just a little longer, Jackass.”
They go 25 miles, and pass another oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,
“Just a little longer, Jackass.”
They go 30 miles, and pass another oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,
“Just a little longer, Jackass.”
They go 35 miles, and pass another oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,
“Just a little longer, Jackass.”
They go 40 miles, and pass another oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,
“Just a little longer, Jackass.”
They go 45 miles, and pass another oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,
“Just a little longer, Jackass.”
They go 50 miles, and pass another oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,
“Just a little longer, Jackass.”
And you might be wondering, how much longer this joke goes on, to which I say,
“Just a little longer, Jackass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rvblq/a_man_is_riding_his_donkey_in_the_desert_looking/
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I took a trip to Stockholm and really didn't like it.

After a few days though, it really grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rvaty/i_took_a_trip_to_stockholm_and_really_didnt_like/
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The San Diego Padres visited an orphanage in Mexico...

"It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rvald/the_san_diego_padres_visited_an_orphanage_in/
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My grandpa let 200 people go from a concentration camp in the holocaust

He was the worst security guard ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rv9h2/my_grandpa_let_200_people_go_from_a_concentration/
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I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen".

So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rv8jv/i_was_christmas_shopping_for_a_friends_daughter_i/
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A man was driving when he saw a monk lying on the street

He thought the monk was getting information by hearing the sound from the ground so he got out the car to get closer to the monk.
"There are a car, moving really fast, 15 minutes from here. The driver is wearing a white shirt", said the monk.
The man surprised "You can know that much just by hearing the sound from the ground?"
The monk replied "No, he hit me 15 minutes ago"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rv747/a_man_was_driving_when_he_saw_a_monk_lying_on_the/
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TIFU by firing the wrong employee

Whoops, wrong sub (ordinate)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rv6q1/tifu_by_firing_the_wrong_employee/
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I ate a clock yesterday

**it was very time consuming.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rv363/i_ate_a_clock_yesterday/
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A doctor gave a man six months to live.

The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rv2s6/a_doctor_gave_a_man_six_months_to_live/
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A guy falls in love with a very traditional girl.....

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl, that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission.
"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand"
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rv2qo/a_guy_falls_in_love_with_a_very_traditional_girl/
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What do you get when you spell ‘man’ backwards?

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rv28z/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
%
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"
The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".
Guy: "Great when can I use it?"
Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".
Guy: "Why not Tuesday?"
The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ruzeh/a_guy_gets_horny_during_his_first_week_on_a/
%
A man walks into a bar

and notices a sign advertising "World Famous Punch!"The man thinks, "awesome! I love punch!" he approaches the bartender and asks, "hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"the bartender replies, "sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."
The man looks around and doesn't see anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ruytj/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A young Catholic girl goes to confession and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"

The Priests asks" In what way have you sinned my child"?
"I am pregnant father, and I think it must be the second coming" The girl replies.
The Priests is puzzled by her remark and says " My child, what makes you think that it has anything to do with the second coming"?
The young girl replies " Because I swallowed the first one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rux58/a_young_catholic_girl_goes_to_confession_and_says/
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Man sits at a bar and orders five shots...

the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough."
"Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy."
"Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today."
A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks.
"Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week."
"I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house."
Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The guy responds, "Yeah...my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ruw9x/man_sits_at_a_bar_and_orders_five_shots/
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A truck full of Viagra has been hijacked.

The cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ruuzl/a_truck_full_of_viagra_has_been_hijacked/
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A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ruuf1/a_doctor_and_a_lawyer/
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Yesterday I went

to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rur7h/yesterday_i_went/
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Two nuns go into a liquor store

And ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels.
The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."
The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems OK with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor. Several hours later he closes the store and after walking a couple of blocks on his way home, he sees the two nuns laying in the gutter drunken than a skunk.
He exclaims, "I thought you said it was for Mother Superior’s constipation?"
The nuns replied, "It is, because when she sees us piss drunk, she is going to shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ruqoq/two_nuns_go_into_a_liquor_store/
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One man in church

It was 8.30 am one balmy Sunday morning. Only one man was in the church.
The priest said to him, " It looks like everyone has slept in. Do you want to go home or should I preach the sermon ? “
The man replied, " When I go to feed the chickens and only one comes, I still feed it."
The priest took that as a *yes*, mounted the pulpit and delivered an hour-long sermon.
At the end, he asked the man what he thought.
His smart reply was :
" When I go to feed the chickens and only one comes..
*I don`t give it the whole bucket !* “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ruqo3/one_man_in_church/
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What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rup4c/what_do_you_call_a_waffle_on_a_california_beach/
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A poetic version of "you are not a monk" joke

He sat and sighed beside the road -
His engine's gasket blown.
His car was old and cold and towed.
The man was left alone.
'I need to find a place to stay
Until it's fixed,' he spoke -
But as he rose to walk away
Arrived a band of folk.
They said: 'You're warmly welcome here
To while away the night!
We're godly monks, and living near -
We walk the path of light.'
With thanks, the man inclined his head,
And through the dusky gloom -
He followed where the Abbot led,
Who showed him to a room.
'Goodnight and fare thee well to you -
Sleep tight!' the Abbot said.
'And may your dreams be just and true,
Inside your humble bed.'
But when he tried to sleep, he found
A noise that started small -
The most surprising, splendid sound
Emerging through the wall.
It made him think of sirens song -
The secret chimes of Mars -
The shrouded space where dreams belong -
The voice beyond the stars.
It made him think of hearts that yearn -
The rhymes of wings unfurled -
The passing beat of time to turn -
The light beneath the world.
It made him think of love and peace -
The silent bliss behind -
The perfect place where problems cease
To vex the waking mind.
The morning broke.
The man awoke.
'What was it, monks?' he cried.
'Alas, we cannot say,' they spoke -
'You're not a monk,' they sighed.
'But what a sense the sounds evoke!
Oh tell me, friends!' he cried.
'Alas, we cannot say,' they spoke -
'You're not a monk,' they sighed.
'I have to know!' the man explained,
And so, without remorse -
He joined the house, and prayed and trained,
To find the noise's source.
He took the Test of Absent Bliss -
The Woes of Anguish Drowned -
He braved the Gulf of Faith's Abyss -
And all to find the sound.
He stood before the Secret Sect -
The Path of Rousing Ploys -
He stepped the steps of Last Respect -
And all to find the noise.
He crossed the Gate of Constant Grief -
The Voids of Now and Then -
He walked the Road of Lost Belief -
To hear it once again.
And when he'd pained and strained and bled,
And most his life had passed -
'You're ready now,' the others said,
'To see the source at last.'
They took him where the air was fair,
And where, inside a trunk...
I'd love to tell you what was there.
Alas, you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ruo8z/a_poetic_version_of_you_are_not_a_monk_joke/
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"Girl are you a vocal critic of the President?"

Cause I've got a suspicious package here for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rulef/girl_are_you_a_vocal_critic_of_the_president/
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A guy was trying to find a parking space at a baseball game

and he was already missing the first inning, so he prayed to God and said "If you find a parking space for me I promise I'll never miss church again." Just then a car pulled out of a space right in front of him, and the guy said "Never mind, I just found one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rul1r/a_guy_was_trying_to_find_a_parking_space_at_a/
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The story of Mr. Green.

Mrs. Barker, Elementary school teacher,was telling her students a wonderful story. It was for the English lesson that Mrs. Barker improvised to keep her lessons engaging. This was one off her stories.
Once there was once a world where humans were either red, yellow or green.
One day Mr. Green, a green human, woke up from his bed and took a shower.
While showering his doorbell rang. Still showering, Mr. Green just simply take a towel and wrap his bottom half.
When Mr. Green got to the door, he opened it and behind was Miss. Red, a red human, Mr. Green's neighbour.
Miss. Red just needed to ask Mr. Green if he still had any flour left for a cake. While asking for the flour, Mr. Green's tower dropped on the floor. Frightened, Mrs. Red started running across the street to run away from Mr. Red but got knocked down by a Yellow car.
After that Mrs. Barker asked her students : "Kids, what's the moral of this story".
No one knew the answer and some kids were just giggling at the back of the class.
Mrs. Barker said :" Well. The moral of the story is,
To not cross the road when the green man is flashing "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rul0k/the_story_of_mr_green/
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How many bones do you have in your hand?

About a handful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ruk1j/how_many_bones_do_you_have_in_your_hand/
%
I man and his wife own a chinese resturant together

On their anniversary the man says to his wife "We can do whatever you want tonight since its our anniversary" she said "how about we do a little 69 tonight" the man looked confused and said "you want the beef and broccoli?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ruif1/i_man_and_his_wife_own_a_chinese_resturant/
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Have you met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother?

He’s called Broco Lee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rugso/have_you_met_bruce_lees_vegan_brother/
%
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing

...except at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rugl8/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_usually_mean_the_same/
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I got the job of working in a mattress factory and went in it on the first day

It was the first time that I made my bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rue4l/i_got_the_job_of_working_in_a_mattress_factory/
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65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ruczg/65000011_years_ago/
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A Mom asks her Son, “Son, would you say I’m pretty or ugly?”

“A bit of both, actually,” replied the teenager.
“How do you mean that?” asks the puzzled mom.
“I’d say you’re pretty ugly.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rucqj/a_mom_asks_her_son_son_would_you_say_im_pretty_or/
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If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rubp8/if_im_ever_on_life_support_unplug_me/
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Why do people run from the rain but love taking showers?

Consent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rubj1/why_do_people_run_from_the_rain_but_love_taking/
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Forget everything you learned in college...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are under-qualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rubcy/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college/
%
Why is urine yellow and sperm white?

So men can tell if they are coming or going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ru9vv/why_is_urine_yellow_and_sperm_white/
%
Where is Elon Musk's car right now?

In the parking space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ru13f/where_is_elon_musks_car_right_now/
%
Do you know why ghosts always have long hair?

Because all the hair salons are closed at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rtzmo/do_you_know_why_ghosts_always_have_long_hair/
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What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rtz1u/whats_a_horny_pirates_worst_nightmare/
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I’m considering a career change to global boating logistics...

...so when people ask what I do, I can say that I spread my seamen all over the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rtyj3/im_considering_a_career_change_to_global_boating/
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My mother handed me $20

"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out till 2:00 while your father and Iset up his surprise party."
That was the day I realized my brother was the favorite twin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rtycz/my_mother_handed_me_20/
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I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rtwlg/i_once_worked_with_a_very_musically_talented/
%
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’...

I said, “Great! I’ll pick you up tomorrow!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rts31/a_cute_girl_at_work_said_shed_only_go_on_a_date/
%
As a guy with dyslexia I'm pretty scared...

A friend just told me the cocks go black in the UK tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rtot1/as_a_guy_with_dyslexia_im_pretty_scared/
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Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse"

has never stepped on one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rto20/whoever_coined_the_phrase_quiet_as_a_mouse/
%
Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom  and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”
“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced ,“You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.”
“It's nothing,” said the father. “We're glad you were able to come.”
Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello! Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss was sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything.”
After they finished dessert, the father said, “There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we never found the right time to get married. So not only are you all bastards, but cheap ones too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rti0s/husband_and_his_wife_were_celebrating_50_years/
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I want to grow my beard long enough so that I can tie it around my dick and masturbate by nodding my head.

Meetings at work are going to be a real pleasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rtfiq/i_want_to_grow_my_beard_long_enough_so_that_i_can/
%
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rt8rg/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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Did you hear about the physics student who committed suicide by jumping of a building?

A shame, really. He had so much potential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rt2kb/did_you_hear_about_the_physics_student_who/
%
TIL you can lose your job as a dominatrix by whipping the wrong guy.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rt0pl/til_you_can_lose_your_job_as_a_dominatrix_by/
%
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?

Arse skin for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rsyvp/does_anyone_know_if_its_possible_to_get_a_skin/
%
Two white gay guys are walking on a beach...

...when one of them trips over a shiny lamp buried in the sand. One picks it up and rubs it, and a genie pops out. "I will grant you three wishes" says the genie.
They decide not to use them right away, and to save them for a rainy day. About one year later, they decide they've waited long enough, so they summon the genie and wish for a luxurious, 10 bedroom mansion.
Around 2 years later, it burns down. They're devastated, but then they think, well we're back where we were, no use in wasting another wish. 1 more year goes by and they decide to treat themselves. They summon the genie and wish for a Lamborghini. Two months later it gets stolen, but like before they decide to break even and to save their last wish.
Then, one day, the KKK busts open their door, takes them to the tree in their backyard and puts a noose on each of them. They're getting ready for death when one guy says, "hey, I think that last wish would sure come in handy!"
The other guy gets a nervous look on his face and says "well, you see, I kinda already used it..." "WAIT, WHAT?!" "Yeah uh, I wished we were hung like black men"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rsrm4/two_white_gay_guys_are_walking_on_a_beach/
%
I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.

Patient: What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!
Doctor: Nine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rsr7y/im_sorry_but_you_suffer_from_a_terminal_illness/
%
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican

who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.
I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?”
He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rsq2l/i_once_worked_with_a_very_musically_talented/
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What do you call a furry that just had sex?

A stuffed animal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rsmxq/what_do_you_call_a_furry_that_just_had_sex/
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How do Welshmen find their sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rsmnv/how_do_welshmen_find_their_sheep_in_the_tall_grass/
%
My first day as a dominatrix I walked into another dom's chambers

Oops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rsme7/my_first_day_as_a_dominatrix_i_walked_into/
%
I was talking to my grandfather...

When he said "your generation relies too much on technology"
I then said " no grandpa yours does" Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rsk1c/i_was_talking_to_my_grandfather/
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Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a shit what you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rsjqn/job_interview_whats_your_greatest_weakness/
%
Why do gay people eat lettuce?

To feed the hamster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rsjma/why_do_gay_people_eat_lettuce/
%
Three guys fell asleep together naked.

When they woke up the guy on the left and right said they had a dream of getting an awesome handjob. The guy in the middle said he had a dream he went skiing.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rsfhi/three_guys_fell_asleep_together_naked/
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Care to hear my construction joke?

I'm working on it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rs8qz/care_to_hear_my_construction_joke/
%
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best.

Winter: Well you can build snowmen, and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!
Spring: Well sure but come springtime everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!
Summer: yes but I am undoubtably the overall best season, girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn what do you have to offer?
Autumn: * leaves *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rs3v1/the_four_seasons_were_arguing_about_which_of_them/
%
An essay should be like a woman's skirt

Long enough to cover the important parts, but short enough to keep your attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rs0gv/an_essay_should_be_like_a_womans_skirt/
%
I finally got around to buying marijuana stocks. They went down in flames at least as fast as any other pot I have ever bought.

I need a joint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rrvhu/i_finally_got_around_to_buying_marijuana_stocks/
%
My dad's doctor told me he could perform surgery with his eyes closed.

But he didn't say anything about succeeding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rrrbs/my_dads_doctor_told_me_he_could_perform_surgery/
%
I drink, smoke weed, do speed

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rrqyq/i_drink_smoke_weed_do_speed/
%
What do you call a girl who did not register in time for the beauty contest?

Miss Deadline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rrpmk/what_do_you_call_a_girl_who_did_not_register_in/
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What’s the other word for people who fuck their relatives?

Pumpkin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rrowl/whats_the_other_word_for_people_who_fuck_their/
%
Why are lumberjacks such great singers?

Their voice has an incredible timber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rrn29/why_are_lumberjacks_such_great_singers/
%
What is it called when you are turned on by the most annoying Star Wars character?

Jar-Jar Kinks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rrmuj/what_is_it_called_when_you_are_turned_on_by_the/
%
Do you ever wonder what happens to your luggage once you checked it in?

So does British Airways.
160 Destinations, Over 90 Countries Worldwide.
Could be in any one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rrk29/do_you_ever_wonder_what_happens_to_your_luggage/
%
If I said you have a nice body would you...

stash it under the floorboards with the rest of them or bury it in a shallow grave?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rrjd9/if_i_said_you_have_a_nice_body_would_you/
%
r/jokes is good for the environment.

All the material here is recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rrf2p/rjokes_is_good_for_the_environment/
%
I just found out my current and ex girlfriend were related...

I knew the sex felt familia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rrera/i_just_found_out_my_current_and_ex_girlfriend/
%
Im so loyal to my girlfriend...

That I don’t even watch porn with girls in it anymore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rrac4/im_so_loyal_to_my_girlfriend/
%
How can you tell if a Turian has run out of ammo?

He switches to the stick up his ass as a backup weapon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rr7zl/how_can_you_tell_if_a_turian_has_run_out_of_ammo/
%
"Anyone got a charger?"

"Yeah, is a wall charger fine?"
"No, I meant for my phone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rr6ar/anyone_got_a_charger/
%
I accidentally ran into a guy that once sold me an antique globe.

It’s a small world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rr1qx/i_accidentally_ran_into_a_guy_that_once_sold_me/
%
Why are Camels called "Ships of the desert?"

Because they are full of Arab sea men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rqwc4/why_are_camels_called_ships_of_the_desert/
%
How do Counter Strike players clean their computers?

They dedust it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rqu0p/how_do_counter_strike_players_clean_their/
%
What do all women have in common?

Not a single one of them has had sex with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rqlht/what_do_all_women_have_in_common/
%
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents

They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?
Mom: That's it's trunk.
Boy: No, further back.
Mom: That's its tail.
Boy: No, in between.
Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along.
The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad.
Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?
Dad: That's its trunk.
Boy: No, further back.
Dad: That's its tail.
Boy: No, in between.
Dad: That's its penis.
Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing.
Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rqjab/nsfw_a_boy_goes_to_the_zoo_with_his_parents/
%
I had a pet goose once.

But it died recently.
It was weird because my friends and I never remembered if it was a boy or a girl.
We got into a big argument about it and eventually one of my friends decided to go dig up its corpse.
And all I had to say to that was, "Did you just exhume my gander?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rqinp/i_had_a_pet_goose_once/
%
Did you hear about the big booty serial killer woman who bought too many drinks at the bar for her victim?

She had the drunk in the trunk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rqil9/did_you_hear_about_the_big_booty_serial_killer/
%
What STD did Thanos give the Avengers?

Goneorrhea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rqikw/what_std_did_thanos_give_the_avengers/
%
Who was the most popular vampiric artist?

Vincent Fang Gogh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rqgxg/who_was_the_most_popular_vampiric_artist/
%
Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.

Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1, 000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of thousand gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rqfkh/once_upon_a_time_and_far_far_away_lived_a/
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What's the difference between a necromancer and a necrophiliac?

One raises the dead, the other is raised by the dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rq3qt/whats_the_difference_between_a_necromancer_and_a/
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Money can't buy you happiness

Well check this out, i just brought a happy meal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rpznt/money_cant_buy_you_happiness/
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What do you call a Finnish coffee maker?

A perkele-tor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rpyku/what_do_you_call_a_finnish_coffee_maker/
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Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

Because anywhere else it would have been named a teethbrush.
(Heard this in my office this week)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rpp3b/did_you_know_that_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
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Love is like a country song

... it’s unnecessary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rpnxg/love_is_like_a_country_song/
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A student, a pirate, and a Redditor are in class.

Teacher:  Who wants to learn Roman numerals?
Student: I, for one.
Pirate: Aye aye!
Ie ie ie, goes the redditor, knowing how many times this joke has been reposted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rpmmi/a_student_a_pirate_and_a_redditor_are_in_class/
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Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental - twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rplp6/went_to_a_club_with_the_wife_and_there_was_a_guy/
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A z-score of 1.9 walked into a bar

The bartender says, “Why so down today?”
The score replies, “I’m feeling so insignificant.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rpk2u/a_zscore_of_19_walked_into_a_bar/
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What is the epitome of mixed feelings?

seeing your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new sports car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rpgjd/what_is_the_epitome_of_mixed_feelings/
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What is the fastest game in the states right now?

Pass the parcel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rpfq2/what_is_the_fastest_game_in_the_states_right_now/
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TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rpb94/til_that_you_can_get_dishonorably_discharged_from/
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What's the opposite of an assassin?

A dickdickout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rp8pn/whats_the_opposite_of_an_assassin/
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Nuns' day at Heaven's door...(long)

It's nun admittance day in Heaven, but first they have to get past St. Peter.
He asks the first nun, "Sister Mary Margaret, have you ever touched a man's penis?" She says yes, but just once, and with the tip of my finger. He says fine. Just go stick your finger in the font of holy water over there and you may enter the Kingdom.
He asks the second nun, "Sister Anne, did YOU ever touch  a man's penis? " She says yes, just once. I held it in my hand. He tells her to go immerse her hand in the holy water, and she is allowed into Heaven.
Next in line is Sister Murgatroyd. St. Peter looks at her and says, "Well, well, Sister Murgatroyd. Well, well, well."
Before she can answer, Sister Dominica comes shoving forward from the back of the line, screaming loudly.
"Oh please! Brother Peter!!! Please let me get a gargle of that holy water before she sticks her ass in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rp7ky/nuns_day_at_heavens_doorlong/
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I can’t believe it is already more than a hundred years since Einstein proved that Time is relative.

Feels like it was just yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rp6gu/i_cant_believe_it_is_already_more_than_a_hundred/
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What do you call an American drawing?

A Yankee Doodle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rp6ec/what_do_you_call_an_american_drawing/
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Three men are outside Heaven’s gates...

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be judged before going through. The angel at the entrance tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first man says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up.
The second guy says “10 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once, I loved her with all my heart.” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men.
Hours later the two men catch up to last man crying behind the wheel and one says "I know we are dead but you got a Lamborghini! Things could be way worse!”
The man looks up and says “How?! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rp0uk/three_men_are_outside_heavens_gates/
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Did you hear about the 25 letters that hated Jews?

They were not z's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rowi7/did_you_hear_about_the_25_letters_that_hated_jews/
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Can you guys give me advice on repairing my fence?

After all, you are experts at reposting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rov5h/can_you_guys_give_me_advice_on_repairing_my_fence/
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A man goes to the hospital for a routine operation.

He goes under, and comes to alone in a hospital bed with an IV. Moving around, he notices the white hospital sheets are covered with shit. He literally shit the bed. Completely embarrassed and panicking about what the nurses will say, he takes them off the bed and tosses them out the window onto the street below, where they land on a passing drunk.
The drunk screams and lashes out at the tangled sheets. Some paramedics rush over from a nearby ambulance to help. By the time they get there he has freed himself and is just confusedly staring at the sheets in his hands.
“Hey buddy, are you ok?” one of the paramedics asks.
“Yeah, but I think I just beat the shit out of a a ghost”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rov2m/a_man_goes_to_the_hospital_for_a_routine_operation/
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I had to see the doctor because I shit at 7 in the morning every day

. The doctor asked why it was a problem. I don’t get up until 8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9roqkf/i_had_to_see_the_doctor_because_i_shit_at_7_in/
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What do a tropical bird expert and a pornstar have in common?

They both know how to handle a cockatoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9roq6k/what_do_a_tropical_bird_expert_and_a_pornstar/
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An old guy walks into a biker bar...

... And sits down next to the leader of the gang.
"Your mom is pretty hot, you know?".
The biker chief sips his beer, sighs...
"Just go home, dad.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ropu7/an_old_guy_walks_into_a_biker_bar/
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What do you call being fired from a job for telling the truth to your boss?

Trumped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rokmz/what_do_you_call_being_fired_from_a_job_for/
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Have you ever woken up, kissed the person beside you, and just relax?

Well I just did and apparently I won’t be allowed on this airline again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9roi04/have_you_ever_woken_up_kissed_the_person_beside/
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I went to the store to buy butter, but grabbed a substitute by mistake.

I guess you could say I have a margarine of error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rofw3/i_went_to_the_store_to_buy_butter_but_grabbed_a/
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I hate when people use big words they don't understand.

They are just trying to sound more photosynthesis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rofo9/i_hate_when_people_use_big_words_they_dont/
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How to people in wheelchairs get to the underworld?

They take the hell-evator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rodot/how_to_people_in_wheelchairs_get_to_the_underworld/
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Man, my Grandfather was such a great pilot.

He returned from almost 15 Kamikaze missions! God bless him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9roak6/man_my_grandfather_was_such_a_great_pilot/
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Did you hear about the tornado that tore through a cemetery?

Hundreds turned up dead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ro8u2/did_you_hear_about_the_tornado_that_tore_through/
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After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer...

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Dogfish Head sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Dogfish Head?" The Dogfish Head president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ro7tb/after_the_north_american_beer_festival_all_the/
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Door to door salesman is making his rounds

When he walks up the steps to Little Johnny's house.
Little Johnny answers the door, 8 years old, wearing nothing but his mom's lingerie, smoking a cigar and sipping a glass of bourbon.
"Excuse me young man, are your parents home?" Asks the salesman.
Johnny looks up and says "what the fuck do you think?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ro66c/door_to_door_salesman_is_making_his_rounds/
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A cop sees a scientist being brought in and booked.

The cop asks his partner, "Hey, what's that guy in for?"
The partner says, "Blowing bubbles in his backyard."
The cop goes, "What's wrong with that?"
The partner goes, "He made Blossom and Buttercup watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ro5cj/a_cop_sees_a_scientist_being_brought_in_and_booked/
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I like my women like I like my bourbon

18 years old and mixed up with coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ro4gk/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_bourbon/
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My car battery stopped working, so I took it to a shop to have it looked at. I thought it would be expensive

But they said there was no charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ro3sz/my_car_battery_stopped_working_so_i_took_it_to_a/
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Today is International Women's Day.

It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get
ready.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ro37u/today_is_international_womens_day/
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I had a dream where i weighed less than a thousandth of a gram

I was like 0mg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ro19q/i_had_a_dream_where_i_weighed_less_than_a/
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Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher?

Because he was Haydn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rnytz/why_couldnt_beethoven_find_his_teacher/
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I said to the psychiatrist, "My wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages."

"I don't think you're crazy," he replied, "I also like sausages."
"Really?" I said, "You should come over to my house and see my collection."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rnyef/i_said_to_the_psychiatrist_my_wife_thinks_im/
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Build a man a fire, keep him warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and keep him warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rnxwe/build_a_man_a_fire_keep_him_warm_for_a_day/
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We lost all the vowels from our Scrabble set.

So I sold it on Ebay as a Welsh edition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rnxvn/we_lost_all_the_vowels_from_our_scrabble_set/
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What do pornstars get for sponsors.

Oral B.
I'll walk myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rnvyn/what_do_pornstars_get_for_sponsors/
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A dangerous looking space ship comes down to earth

The aliens take over all radio, tv and other technologies to broadcast a message
Alien: “we are a dangerous species from the planet Pluto”
-
-
-
-
*all humans start to chuckle under their breath*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rnsnv/a_dangerous_looking_space_ship_comes_down_to_earth/
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What do you call a child who was born to parents from Holland and The Phillippines?

Hollappino

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rnqah/what_do_you_call_a_child_who_was_born_to_parents/
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The doctor said to me, "You need to stop masturbating".

I said "Why" and she said "Well, to be honest, you're not meant to enjoy a rectal exam this much".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rnps0/the_doctor_said_to_me_you_need_to_stop/
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Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Snow White, while living among the dwarves, had come to puberty. This did not go unnoticed by the dwarves. Being the little perverts they are, they decided to climb on each other's shoulders outside her window to peep on her changing. The one on top would then whisper the one below what he sees, who would then whisper to the one below him, and so on.
As Snow White returned to her room for the night, the dwarves quickly rushed outside and started forming the tower. Doc on the top then started to narrate summarily what was going on upstairs.
The chain of whispers went: "unbuttoning blouse", "unbuttoning blouse", unbuttoning blouse"...
"Removing skirt", "Removing skirt", "Removing skirt"...
"Removing bra", " Removing bra", "Removing bra"...
It was at this point, that Snow White noticed the murmur, and turned to the window to see Doc looking at her, now surprised. Furious, she started to rush towards the window, which prompted Doc to shout out: "Coming!"
And the tower of dwarves replied:
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rnk8y/snow_white_and_the_seven_dwarves/
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Jesus said, “come forth and win eternal life.”

John came fifth and got a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rnj05/jesus_said_come_forth_and_win_eternal_life/
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Chuck Norris and Superman once agreed to a fight

The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of his pants for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rnit8/chuck_norris_and_superman_once_agreed_to_a_fight/
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My girlfriend threatened to break-up with me if I didn't stop acting like a Transformer...

I said "but baby, I can change!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rniim/my_girlfriend_threatened_to_breakup_with_me_if_i/
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A man and a woman ride an elevator

A man gets on an elevator and encounters a woman.  He looks at her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"  She is stunned and responds, "No!"  The man says, "Ah must be your feet then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rnd1c/a_man_and_a_woman_ride_an_elevator/
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Little johnny is playing outside in the back yard

Little Johnny is outside in the back yard playing with his toy airplane. He takes it up in the air "rrrrrrrrrr" and brings it down for a landing, at which point he yells real loud "All you motherfuckers that wanna get off, get off. All you motherfuckers that wanna get on, get on." Well Johnnys mom is in the kitchen and hears him yell this. Shocked, Johnnys mom runs outside and tells Johnny to go to his room for 3 hours and think about what he's said. Pouting, johnny stomps to his room. 3 hours later Johnny comes out of his room and goes straight for his toy airplane in the back yard. He picks it up, flys it around a little and lands it. With mom listening closely from the window Johnny says "all you nice people that want to get off, get off. All you nice people that wanna get on, get on......and all you motherfuckers complaining about the 3 hour time delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rnauj/little_johnny_is_playing_outside_in_the_back_yard/
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I was offered a new job today

It was cleaning the mirrors in my local Gym, ok the money wasn't great but I could see my self doing it!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rn98q/i_was_offered_a_new_job_today/
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What do you call a secret group of llamas

The I-llama-nati

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rn8ye/what_do_you_call_a_secret_group_of_llamas/
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My dad always told me I can't get a wife overnight.

He was right. International shipping takes a few days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rn8vr/my_dad_always_told_me_i_cant_get_a_wife_overnight/
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Why do you want divorce?

Judge: Why do you want divorce?
Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.
Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the eyes won't burn. Before washing utensils just immerse them in water tub for 10 minutes , they can be easily washed.
Before washing clothes in Surf, soak them in water for half an hour , all the stains will go away and even hands won't get tired.
Petitioner: Understood Your honour. Please return my petition.
Judge: What have you understood?
Petitioner: That your condition is worse than mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rn8r9/why_do_you_want_divorce/
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There's a new report on why people aren't spending time with books anymore.

TL;DR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rn8l8/theres_a_new_report_on_why_people_arent_spending/
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I’ll never forget my dogs last words...

“You took too much acid.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rn6at/ill_never_forget_my_dogs_last_words/
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What’s the same between rocks and girls?

The flat ones get skipped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rn5sv/whats_the_same_between_rocks_and_girls/
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All the anti gravity experiments I conducted gave my son terminal cancer

It was incredibly hard to put him down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rn5i8/all_the_anti_gravity_experiments_i_conducted_gave/
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I don't like cheese...

Maybe I'm just uncultured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rmwel/i_dont_like_cheese/
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Trump and Putin are out to dinner. The waiter asks Putin what he would like to order. "I'll have the steak," Putin says. The waiter says, "And for your vegetable?"

"He'll have the steak, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rmwbb/trump_and_putin_are_out_to_dinner_the_waiter_asks/
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How do you find out how heavy God is?

Yahweh him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rmuei/how_do_you_find_out_how_heavy_god_is/
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How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rmsx7/how_do_you_milk_sheep/
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An Englishman meets a Dutchman at a business conference.

Surprisingly, the Dutchman speaks hardly a word of English, and rather less surprisingly, the Englishman doesn't speak very much Dutch. However, they bond over several beers and try to hold a friendly conversation with the few words they have in common, and after a while the Englishman manages to get across a simple question: "What is it you do for a living?"
Fishing around for words, the Dutchman says "I... *fok*... horses!"
"Pardon?" exclaims the Englishman.
"*Ja! Paarden!*" says the Dutchman, delightedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rmqjd/an_englishman_meets_a_dutchman_at_a_business/
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My new thesaurus isn't just terrible...

...it's also terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rmm8c/my_new_thesaurus_isnt_just_terrible/
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Damn girl are you the green fish from Spongebob season 2, episode 20: Sandy, Spongebob, and the Worm, at exactly 21:52?

Because I'm gonna eat that ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rml9w/damn_girl_are_you_the_green_fish_from_spongebob/
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I don't know why they haven't put any advertisements on the hulk

He is essentially a giant banner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rmkti/i_dont_know_why_they_havent_put_any/
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How can you tell if an engineer is a people person?

He/she looks at YOUR shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rmjll/how_can_you_tell_if_an_engineer_is_a_people_person/
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My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rmh2x/my_grandpa_destroyed_12_german_planes_during_ww2/
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What's with the long face, Joe?

A man walks into the local bar one Friday afternoon when he gets out of work.  As he steps up to the bar, he sees his good friend Joe throw down 2 shots.  He noted that Joe had a frown on his face.
“What’s with the long face, Joe?” he asks.
Joe responds, “My wife told me today that she was only going to have sex with me on Mondays and Thursdays!”
“Well", said the friend, “That’s not that bad, some of us she has cut off completely.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rmd9u/whats_with_the_long_face_joe/
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Im gonna live forever

Or die trying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rmcow/im_gonna_live_forever/
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I’m gonna be a hero for Halloween

I’m gonna be the guy that killed Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rmb7q/im_gonna_be_a_hero_for_halloween/
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rm4a8/im_on_a_whiskey_diet/
%
Bad news for dyslexics this weekend

Their cocks go black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rm47i/bad_news_for_dyslexics_this_weekend/
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An attorney arrives home late one night....

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rlqxd/an_attorney_arrives_home_late_one_night/
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Why did the priest go to the gym?

Because he needed to exorcise!
...I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rlqh2/why_did_the_priest_go_to_the_gym/
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Why'd the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rlpgr/whyd_the_mexican_push_his_wife_off_a_cliff/
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1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war...

...5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rll95/1234_i_declare_a_thumb_war/
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What is a hero's favorite thing to add to a drink?

Just-ice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rlk02/what_is_a_heros_favorite_thing_to_add_to_a_drink/
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I was meeting a friend at a smoke shop and accidentally went into the dry cleaners next door...

Clothes, but no cigar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rljix/i_was_meeting_a_friend_at_a_smoke_shop_and/
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Despite the cost of living it’s extremely popular

Over 7 billion people are doing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rlitt/despite_the_cost_of_living_its_extremely_popular/
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How do you confuse a female archeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rlh40/how_do_you_confuse_a_female_archeologist/
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What type of toy car is a Jedi's favorite?

Toy Yoda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rlgsr/what_type_of_toy_car_is_a_jedis_favorite/
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You'll rue the day....

..that the French name a street after you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rlekw/youll_rue_the_day/
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How do you get a small fortune?

You start with a big fortune and invest in startups.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rldww/how_do_you_get_a_small_fortune/
%
My boyfriend and I had sex in a paleolithic museum

Unfortunately, we're both positive for hepatitis BC, now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rlc2b/my_boyfriend_and_i_had_sex_in_a_paleolithic_museum/
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Jesus at Last Supper

\*break bread\* This is my body
\*pours wine\* This is my blood
\*open jar of mayo\*
Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rlach/jesus_at_last_supper/
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How does Moses prepare his tea?

Hebrews it.
(Oldie, but goodie.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rl5xf/how_does_moses_prepare_his_tea/
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Music is just like candy.

It’s good once you get rid of the rapper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rl47v/music_is_just_like_candy/
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How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

A pumpkin patch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rky2m/how_do_you_fix_a_broken_pumpkin/
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Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree is not my least favorite thing.

But it’s definitely up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkxjq/getting_my_toy_drone_stuck_in_a_tree_is_not_my/
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How do you get a sheep into a box?

You just ram it in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkxiy/how_do_you_get_a_sheep_into_a_box/
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A Husband has become well-known for how well his marriage is going..

It had been almost 50 years, and not a single fight, nor disagreement had ever occurred between the two. One day, a friend finally confronted him to share his secret of success.
"Well, my friend.. it all goes back to our beautiful wedding. After the ceremony, we promised to ride horses into the sunset. So we made it so, and getting upon our horses, only mine starting riding."
"That's one," said my new bride, and the horse began to canter. Shortly after, he did stop again.
"That's two," she calmly said again, and the horse moved once more. Only ten miu had passed when her horse stopped once again. She scrambled off the horse and drew a gun.
"That's three," as she shot the horse dead.
"Holy cow, honey! You can't just kill a horse willy nilly! What are you crazy?!" I shouted.
She looked at me calmly and held up a finger.. "That's one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkwdi/a_husband_has_become_wellknown_for_how_well_his/
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I got a job designing tape, but I'm grossly underqualified.

I'm basically just throwing stuff at the wall and seeing what sticks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkttx/i_got_a_job_designing_tape_but_im_grossly/
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Why calculator

When you can calcunow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkqpx/why_calculator/
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This hacker keeps posting on my reddit account

I will find you and I will stop you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkn4o/this_hacker_keeps_posting_on_my_reddit_account/
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Im no longer an 18 yr old virgin!

Im a 19 yr old virgin now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkmsn/im_no_longer_an_18_yr_old_virgin/
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Me and my wife are doing workshops.

I work, she shops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkknh/me_and_my_wife_are_doing_workshops/
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I wasn't going to get a brain transplant initially

but then I changed my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkj37/i_wasnt_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant_initially/
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My grammar may be poor, but my grilling is impeccable.

I'd steak my reputation on that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkhc4/my_grammar_may_be_poor_but_my_grilling_is/
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Why is six not scared of thirty-five?

because Five-sevens aren’t six-shooters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkgw4/why_is_six_not_scared_of_thirtyfive/
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One night, after a couple had retired for the night

the woman became  aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then,  he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand  over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her  waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side  and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.  His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh,  stopped, and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this  time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better  position herself.
.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the TV remote."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkfpm/one_night_after_a_couple_had_retired_for_the_night/
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eating in a truck stop

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large,  leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed  his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the  counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's  milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to  the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at  the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left  the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,  "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkey4/eating_in_a_truck_stop/
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Applying for a job

A guy goes to the County to apply for a job.
The interviewer  asks him "Have you been in the armed services?" "Yes," he says "I was in  the army for three years and served in Iraq."
The interviewer  says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks  "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes 100%... a mortar round  exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer  tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM.  to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."
The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"
"This is a county job" the interviewer replies.
"For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkebx/applying_for_a_job/
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I dropped my laptop off a boat yesterday.

I guess a Dell is rolling in the deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkdwm/i_dropped_my_laptop_off_a_boat_yesterday/
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The first time I saw Back to the Future, it was at a theater in Alabama. As I was watching, I thought, "Oh my God, he's going to fuck his mom!"

Thankfully though, before they were actually able to do it, the usher came and chucked them both out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkcty/the_first_time_i_saw_back_to_the_future_it_was_at/
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Moses couldn't believe his mother would just put him in a basket and forget about him

He was in da Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkcto/moses_couldnt_believe_his_mother_would_just_put/
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Why was the Soviet Union so uneducated?

Because they had no classes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkbfz/why_was_the_soviet_union_so_uneducated/
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What's What?

A man walks into a butcher and asks for "Two pounds of Turkey, one pound of Salami and three pounds of what's what." The butcher replies, " I can give you the first two, but I've never heard of what's what." The man replies, "OK" and left.
The man walks in the second day and says  "Three pounds of Corned Beef, 1/2 pound of Salami and four pounds of what's what." The butcher replied, " I told you, I've never heard of what's what. Stop asking for it!" The man replies, "OK" and left.
The third day it happened again. This time the butcher flipped out. "WTF! We don't have what's what!!!" The man replied, "Ok. Calm down. instead I"ll have three pound of... hmmm.... what's that meat over there?"
Butcher replies looking over, "What's what?
Guy replies, "Awesome! Three pounds please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rkb6n/whats_what/
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I think it's wrong...

that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rk98l/i_think_its_wrong/
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Have you guys heard the joke about the guy with a big dick?

It's not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rk7qi/have_you_guys_heard_the_joke_about_the_guy_with_a/
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Absolutely cannot wait for Brexit.

We make nothing in Britain these days;just noticed on the back of my TV it says ‘Built in Antenna’- this is a country I’ve never even heard of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rk4eo/absolutely_cannot_wait_for_brexit/
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A guy walks into a Bar.

A few years of experience later, he opens his own Law Firm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rk386/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Apparently saying ‘black paint’ is not politically correct.

The right way to say it is, “Tyrone, please paint the wall”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rk2ux/apparently_saying_black_paint_is_not_politically/
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What's a feminists favourite brand of chocolate?

Hershey's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rk1hn/whats_a_feminists_favourite_brand_of_chocolate/
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Did you hear about the 25 letters who hated Jews?

They were Not Z's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rk093/did_you_hear_about_the_25_letters_who_hated_jews/
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Why did the Helsinki-based executive travel for work?

He had some un-Finnish business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjwh9/why_did_the_helsinkibased_executive_travel_for/
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I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjtyl/i_went_to_see_a_fortune_teller_last_night_she/
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The cure for my depression is right around the corner...

Yep here comes the train now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjtcm/the_cure_for_my_depression_is_right_around_the/
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They say us british people like to join queues

We dont and i will be first in line to tell you that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjta5/they_say_us_british_people_like_to_join_queues/
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A clown held the door open for me

Yesterday, a clown held a door open for me,
I thought it was a nice jester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjr9r/a_clown_held_the_door_open_for_me/
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How much does a furry suit cost?

Your dignity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjqqq/how_much_does_a_furry_suit_cost/
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I went to a costume party with just a girl on my back

A guy asked me what my costume was supposed to be, so I told him I was a snail.
“What do you mean you’re a snail? You just have a girl on your back”
“That’s Michelle”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjp1t/i_went_to_a_costume_party_with_just_a_girl_on_my/
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What does a house wear to a party?

Address.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjosb/what_does_a_house_wear_to_a_party/
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Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjllb/bob_works_hard_and_spends_most_evenings_bowling/
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I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to the cashier, "I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, they were both dead!" She frowned and replied, "I warned you about the hot weather. Did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?"

"Yes, I filled their tank right to the top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjlcj/i_walked_into_the_pet_shop_this_morning_and_said/
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What does a 50 year old suburban mom do when irritated?

She wines...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjlb6/what_does_a_50_year_old_suburban_mom_do_when/
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My friend always gets discriminated because his username ends with 88

Stay strong, u/KillTheJews88

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjjl6/my_friend_always_gets_discriminated_because_his/
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My wife thinks I'm cheating on her.

It's affair assumption.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjipg/my_wife_thinks_im_cheating_on_her/
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I’ve read my first Stephen King novel

IT was a Maine event

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjhi4/ive_read_my_first_stephen_king_novel/
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I returned home late from work one night to find a 2004 Land Rover had crashed into the front of my house.

It was an awful Discovery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjgye/i_returned_home_late_from_work_one_night_to_find/
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Where do little jokes come from?

Yo momma joke meets a dad joke and they knock knock: pun in the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjgrn/where_do_little_jokes_come_from/
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Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

God couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rjgc9/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_america/
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of cows, goats and pigs,
the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rja3u/a_couple_drove_down_a_country_road_for_several/
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A skeleton walks into a bar

The bartender says “Yo! Whatup dog?”
The skeleton says “What?! Where!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rj9kq/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rj88p/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
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I don’t celebrate Halloween but if I did I’d be carving your face

Cause I always make my pumpkin smile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rj58g/i_dont_celebrate_halloween_but_if_i_did_id_be/
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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rj35i/a_jewish_man_on_the_subway_is_reading_an_arab/
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My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9riz9f/my_laptop_was_making_funny_noises_today_it/
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A Chinese man enters a Jew's lingerie store...

-I want 20 black bras size 85 D.
The Jew:
-Of course, but black is rare  color, so their price is 15$ for each one.
-It does not matter,
said the Chinese,
-I'll pay.
He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again.
-I want 30 black bras size 85 D.
-Yes, of course,
said the Jew,
-but it's so hard to get them, so now their price jumped to $25 for each one.
-It does not matter, I'll pay.
said the Chinese, paying for the purchase.
A week later, he comes again to the Store Jew.
-I want 100 black bras size 85 D!
-Yes, but their price has jumped a lot,
the Jew said,
-it is extremely difficult to deliver them; Now they are 55$ for each one,
-It does not matter, I'll pay,
replied the Chinese.
As the jew packed the order, angry with curiosity, he asked:
-Excuse me, but can you tell me what do you do with so many bras?
-I cut them in the middle and sell as Jewish caps for 200$.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ritkt/a_chinese_man_enters_a_jews_lingerie_store/
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Communism jokes aren't funny

unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9riqlk/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
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A buyer approaches a farmer at a livestock auction...

Buyer: How much milk do these cows produce?
Farmer: Which one? The black one or the white one?
Buyer: White one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Buyer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Buyer: (naturally a bit flummoxed) I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or white?
Buyer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Buyer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Buyer: (now annoyed) Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Buyer: Oh, and the white one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rip02/a_buyer_approaches_a_farmer_at_a_livestock_auction/
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Knock knock!

Nice try, FBI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rinz6/knock_knock/
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What's the only thing that can pleasure a supermassive black hole?

A Large Hard-on Collider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rimdi/whats_the_only_thing_that_can_pleasure_a/
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Why can't your nose be 12 inches?

Because then it'd be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rilg0/why_cant_your_nose_be_12_inches/
%
A conspiracy theorist was struck by lightning.

Coincidence?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rikp8/a_conspiracy_theorist_was_struck_by_lightning/
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Where did the baseball keep its lemonade?

In the pitcher!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rikdm/where_did_the_baseball_keep_its_lemonade/
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Why did the rich man sell yeast?

To raise some dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rijzh/why_did_the_rich_man_sell_yeast/
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It's funny how 8 glasses of water seems like a lot

But 8 beers, two shots and a bottle of wine go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rifex/its_funny_how_8_glasses_of_water_seems_like_a_lot/
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A taxi driver is hailed down by three drunks.

The driver, seeing that the they were wasted, decided to play a prank on them. He puts the key into the ignition, turns it once, then announces to the trio: "We're here!"
The first drunk hands the driver $10.
The second drunk pats the driver on the shoulder and says: "Thanks, bud."
The third drunk, however, slaps the driver across the face furiously.
"What did I do?", says the driver, fearful that he had been found out.
"That was for driving too fast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rich6/a_taxi_driver_is_hailed_down_by_three_drunks/
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Vodoo Dick

A woman complains to her friend that she hasn't been laid in years and she feels so lonely. Her friend suggests that she visit the Haitian store and she will get help. The woman is curious so she goes to the store and bashfully explains her situation to the store owner. He pulls out a wooden phallus and says, "This is a Voodoo Dick. All you have to do is say 'Voodoo Dick' and where you want it to go, and it will fly there and make passionate love to it. When you want it to stop just say 'Voodoo Dick stop' and it will stop."
The woman is sceptical, so the man says, "Voodoo Dick, the wall," and the thing flies to the wall and starts ramming it. The man says, "Voodoo Dick, stop," and it drops to the ground. The woman is impressed so she pays him and rushes home.
At home, she throws rose petals on the bed, puts on some Boyz II Men, lies on the bed and eagerly shouts, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy!" The thing flies to her and starts giving it to her. It's good. It's the best. In fact, she has never experienced anything so passionate and savage at the same time.
An hour goes by and she's having the time of her life. Two hours and she starts tiring out. By three hours she has had enough, but she has forgotten how to make the possessed wiener stop. The woman tries, "Voodoo Dick, cut it out. Voodoo Dick, quit it. Voodoo Dick, enough," but nothing works.
She starts to panic. Since it's night time and the Haitian store is closed, the woman decides that maybe the hospital can help her. She struggles down the stairs and into her car, all the while the demonic pecker is pounding away at her. The entire way to the hospital she drives recklessly: skipping red lights, hopping onto sidewalks, and swerving into oncoming traffic.
A traffic cop sees this, pursues her, and pulls her car over. He walks up to the driver's window and asks the woman why she was driving like a maniac. Very embarrassed, she explains how she purchased a Voodoo Dick from a Haitian store and tried it out at home, but forgot how to make it stop.
In disbelief, the cop bursts out laughing and says, "Vodoo Dick, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ri787/vodoo_dick/
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Why did the semen cross the road? (NSFW)

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ri6rq/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road_nsfw/
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An Indian lady visited a bar for the first time.

She sat on the table in front of the bartender..
A guy at her left side ordered: "Jack Daniels, Single"
A guy at her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"
The bartender looked at the lady & said: And you..??
She replied: "Savitri Deshpande, Married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ri6m9/an_indian_lady_visited_a_bar_for_the_first_time/
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LPT: If you commit 90 sins, it won't cost you anything.

sin90 = cos0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ri4t0/lpt_if_you_commit_90_sins_it_wont_cost_you/
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Challenger Shuttle Teacher Christa McAuliffe Jokes - In bad taste

Q: What was the last thing Christa McAuliffe said right before the Challenger exploded??
A:What's this button do??
Q: What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband just before launch??
A: Honey, you feed the dogs, and I'll feed the fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rhz4k/challenger_shuttle_teacher_christa_mcauliffe/
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Reddit jokes are like a CB radio..

*copy* that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rhw0u/reddit_jokes_are_like_a_cb_radio/
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays awake all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rho7b/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an_insomniac_an/
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I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..

When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rhn1y/i_hate_it_when_people_think_they_can_just_waltz/
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I bought a book on "How to save money". There is only one sentence in it

"You shouldn't have bought this book"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rhn0y/i_bought_a_book_on_how_to_save_money_there_is/
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What's the difference between math and meth?

Meth is a stimulant, and math is a depressant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rhmy4/whats_the_difference_between_math_and_meth/
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What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don’t care if she has one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rhmtu/what_does_a_pulse_and_an_orgasm_have_in_common/
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We should take dating advice from chickens

They get laid before they're even born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rhlh9/we_should_take_dating_advice_from_chickens/
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My friend stole the joke I was writing, put it in his backpack, ran away and then tripped and fell.

Now the jokes on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rhjf3/my_friend_stole_the_joke_i_was_writing_put_it_in/
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What does Coors Light and having sex in a canoe have in common?

They’re both fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rhf45/what_does_coors_light_and_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
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If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. he has been there and done that.

don't ask the 70 year old man.
he's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rhdrb/if_you_need_expert_advice_in_a_home_improvement/
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Why did the priest read out of two bibles at once?

for cross-reverence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rh7wn/why_did_the_priest_read_out_of_two_bibles_at_once/
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Two drunks are sitting across from each other at a coffee table.

They’re rather wealthy men so they could careless about any mess. They’re drinking beer and throwing the cans on the floor and laughing as loud as they can about anything. They come to an argument. Drunk one says “the skin between your butt and your genitalia is called a taint you idiot.” Drunk number two explains “you’re stupid it’s called the run way its more descriptive.” After about 20 minutes of arguing the maid comes in. Drunk number two says “ finally settle this argument what’s the space called between the dick and the ass” and maid replies, “the coffee table”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rh74c/two_drunks_are_sitting_across_from_each_other_at/
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Do you have a condom?

I'll need it to wrap your Christmas present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rh6kk/do_you_have_a_condom/
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A long time ago, God had a name

, Ernest Nee. He had just started making humans, and for a long time was satisfied with doing just that. But then he got bored and started making people different colors, sizes, and personalities. But even this became dull. So one day, he made the first disabled person. He named this person Jerry. Jerry had a smaller knee than average, and would hobble around all day and God got enjoyment from this. Jerry hated his life though, and he would curse god for making him this way every day, and he prayed and prayed for God to help his knee grow. One day, God appeared to Jerry. Jerry tried to say, “Ernest Nee, you evil twat, make my knee more normal”. But god disappeared before Jerry could finish his sentence, as He was very busy. Jerry got one more chance a few years later, and he had to be quick about what he said, so he shouted, “E. Nee, meanie, my knee mo’!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rh6f8/a_long_time_ago_god_had_a_name/
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An Irishman, a Mexican, and a white Protestant are in the waiting room of a maternity ward...

A nurse walks out and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies and they need the fathers' help to identify them.
The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first. A few minutes later he returns with what is quite clearly a Mexican baby. When questioned by the nurse on why he's decided upon that particular newborn, the Irishman replies,
"Nurse, one of those babies was born a Protestant, and I'm not taking any chances."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rh26r/an_irishman_a_mexican_and_a_white_protestant_are/
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How do Hot Dogs and Hamburgers have safe sex?

They Use Condoments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rh250/how_do_hot_dogs_and_hamburgers_have_safe_sex/
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A rabbit is running through the steppe when he meets a giraffe which is rolling a joint.

"No giraffe, you don't have to smoke that. Just come running with me!", it says to the giraffe. After thinking a few seconds, the giraffe happily joins the rabbit.
After a while they meet an elephant which is about to sniff some cocain. "No elephant, you don't have to sniff that. Just come running with us!", says the rabbit and after a moment the elephant joins them.
Running on they meet a lion which is preparing a needle for heroin. "No lion, you don't have to shoot that. Just come running with us!", says the rabbit once again. The lion lays down the needle, goes over to the rabbit and slaps it. While the rabbit finds itself a few feet away the giraffe and the elephant ask the lion, why he did this.
"This fucker always wants me to run through the steppe for hours, when he's on speed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rh0mp/a_rabbit_is_running_through_the_steppe_when_he/
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I like my women like a like my wine...

10 years old and locked in the basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rgy8a/i_like_my_women_like_a_like_my_wine/
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Right before I die, i'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rgxqx/right_before_i_die_im_going_to_swallow_a_bag_of/
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Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.

The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened.
He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole.
Last thing I remember is I lifted the tail and shouted ‘HONEY! This looks like yours!!!!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rgxm3/guy_wakes_up_in_a_hospital_room_badly_beaten/
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A man with a huge black-eye boards an airplane...

The flight attendant guides him towards his assigned seat, right beside another already seated passenger who also has a huge black-eye (same one). The first man says: "What are the odds? We share a flight to the same destination, we both have the same big ugly shiner on the same eye, and we are seated together? I'm curious how you got your shiner." The second man says: "You saw the airline clerk at the desk with the gigantic boobs; I accidently said 'I need a picket to Tittsburg. The first man says: "Same here, this morning when my wife and are were having breakfast.... what I MEANT to say was 'honey please pass the cornflakes', but what I actually said was You fucking bitch, you've ruined my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rgxib/a_man_with_a_huge_blackeye_boards_an_airplane/
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What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Lukewarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rgwpw/what_is_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
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A cab driver and a nun...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rgs92/a_cab_driver_and_a_nun/
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LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.

sin 90 = cot 45

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rgrrq/lpt_if_you_commit_90_sins_you_only_get_caught/
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What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickleback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rgq3l/what_concert_costs_45_cents/
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How many incels does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just insult it because it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rgowo/how_many_incels_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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A man calls his home and his newly appointed butler picks up the phone...

Still a little nervous about his newly assigned duties, the butler answered nervously “Hello, who’s this?”
The man was a little frustrated with the butler’s lack of experience and so he replied impatiently “It’s your boss you idiot!”
Feeling guilty about not recognizing his own boss’s voice, the butler quickly apologized. The man forgave him and asked him to take the phone to his wife.
Butler: But sir, ma’am is in her room and ... and I don’t think I should go there.
Man: What do you mean you shouldn’t go there? I have some urgent matter to discuss with her.
Butler: But Sir, ma’am is in her room with another sir. The door is closed and ... and I don’t think I should disturb them.
Hearing those words enraged the man. He couldn’t bare the idea of his wife cheating on him. He replied angrily “What?! How could she do this to me!”. He instructed the butler to go to his study.
“Go to my study and open the second last drawer on the left of my study table.”
The butler did as he was asked. And the man continued.
“You'll see a pistol there. It should be loaded. Take that pistol and shoot my wife and the man screwing her. If you don’t then I’ll come there and shoot you.”
The butler losing his sense of thinking, did what he was asked. And the man continued the instructions.
“Now take the bodies and dump them in the swimming pool.”
Butler: Swimming pool? But sir, there’s no pool in the house.
Man: Oh! Sorry! I dialed the wrong number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rgo6e/a_man_calls_his_home_and_his_newly_appointed/
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Trump solves an edumacation problem

The Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, comes running into the oval office and says, "Mr president! Mr president! I just found out fully HALF the population is below average intelligence. What can we do about it?" Trump thinks for a moment and tells her "See what you can do to increase the lower half. We need more supporters."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rgnzs/trump_solves_an_edumacation_problem/
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I bought some crappy shoes from a drug dealer today.

After that I was really trippin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rglvu/i_bought_some_crappy_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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Did you hear what the Australian man said to his doctor when he learn he was saying "perscription" rather than "prescription" after all these years?

he said: ya gotta be more pacific mate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rgl9m/did_you_hear_what_the_australian_man_said_to_his/
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What'd Thanos do when the avengers made him mad?

He Snapped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rgejr/whatd_thanos_do_when_the_avengers_made_him_mad/
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My wife is a great cook, but yesterday, she made some soup from scratch, which was a pity...

Because I loved that fucking dog...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rga6p/my_wife_is_a_great_cook_but_yesterday_she_made/
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A man walks into a bar with his pet horse..

They proceed to get shitfaced and the horse passes out
As the man is leaving the bar, the barkeep says “hey, you can’t leave that lyin there”
to which the man replies: “that ain’t no lion, that’s my horse”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rg9o8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_horse/
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America could never switch to the metric system.

Kilometers Davis, how does that sound?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rg96w/america_could_never_switch_to_the_metric_system/
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What do you call a cross between an Encyclopedia and a squadron of fighter jets? [OC]

Flying in-formation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rg8xx/what_do_you_call_a_cross_between_an_encyclopedia/
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Time flies like an arrow.

But, fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rg00q/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
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What do you get if you watch Jaws backwards?

You get a movie about a shark that throws up so many people that they need to open a beach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rfz7u/what_do_you_get_if_you_watch_jaws_backwards/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Without someone else’s dick in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rfz1y/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walked into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a shot of tequila!”
The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a shot of whiskey!”
The bartender turns to the anti-vaxxer, "and what are you having?". The anti-vaxxer responds, "no shots for me", then dies from polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rfv55/a_nurse_a_doctor_and_an_antivaxxer_walked_into_a/
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What did Joseph say when changing Jesus’s first diaper?

HOLY SHIT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rfq9p/what_did_joseph_say_when_changing_jesuss_first/
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Who is Socrates’s worst student?

Mediocrities
Who was his busiest?
The one with a lot on his Plato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rfo7c/who_is_socratess_worst_student/
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Civil war jokes?

I General Lee don’t find them funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rflhw/civil_war_jokes/
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How do you make Trump change a light bulb?

You tell him that Obama put it in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rfl3u/how_do_you_make_trump_change_a_light_bulb/
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Met a girl in a pub, she said "come outside and I'll show you a good time"

I went with her and she ran 100 metres in 9.98 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rfeej/met_a_girl_in_a_pub_she_said_come_outside_and_ill/
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn’t wearing a seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rfcwz/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
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Did you guys hear about the twin fruit fetishists?

The cum in pears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rf9j8/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_twin_fruit_fetishists/
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What do you call an animal doctor who formerly served in the German army?

A Veteran Aryan Veterinarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rf7pt/what_do_you_call_an_animal_doctor_who_formerly/
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I got fired after telling my boss that he motivates me...

To find another job..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rf6bp/i_got_fired_after_telling_my_boss_that_he/
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I was always a favourite child.

Every time we played hide and seek my parents let me win. Two weeks was my record.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rf4ku/i_was_always_a_favourite_child/
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Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant?

He was really good at bacon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rf3zk/why_did_the_pig_get_hired_by_the_restaurant/
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What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9reysk/what_do_you_call_a_dog_magician/
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A recently married deaf couple were discussing how they were going to communicate in the bedroom with the lights off.

The husband said "if you want to have sex pull my dick once if you don't want to have sex pull it 358 times".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rey0b/a_recently_married_deaf_couple_were_discussing/
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I used to have kleptomania, but it's ok now.

I take stuff for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rexnf/i_used_to_have_kleptomania_but_its_ok_now/
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What's Hitler's favorite weather?

hail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rev6z/whats_hitlers_favorite_weather/
%
I took my driving test the other day ....

When the instructor told me I'd failed I told him I hadn't seen this coming. He said "You should have read the signs".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9reu2s/i_took_my_driving_test_the_other_day/
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If you were a fruit, you’d be a fineapple.

If you were a vegetable, I’d visit you in the hospital every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rerc4/if_you_were_a_fruit_youd_be_a_fineapple/
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What did Stalin use to build his haunted house?

Ghoul-logs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9repq0/what_did_stalin_use_to_build_his_haunted_house/
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What do you call a Russian Cold?

Nasticov.
Nasty Cough... get it? Ha! (As told by my SO)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9reip9/what_do_you_call_a_russian_cold/
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What's the difference between children and lesbians?

Children shouldn't run with scissors and Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9reg6f/whats_the_difference_between_children_and_lesbians/
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Bless us, oh Lord...

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD! ..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving ...
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL." Said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9recrb/bless_us_oh_lord/
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Why did the vampire go to the doctor?

He was coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9recgd/why_did_the_vampire_go_to_the_doctor/
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National stereotypes are lazy.

Just like the French.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9reaay/national_stereotypes_are_lazy/
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It would be funny if trees had boobs

Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9re5gv/it_would_be_funny_if_trees_had_boobs/
%
80 year old guy goes into a jewellers with a gorgeous 25 year blonde.

He tells the jeweller he just met this fine young lady and wants to treat her to something special. The jeweller pulls out a $5000 dollar ring and asks if that will do? The old guy says damn no this lady is way more special than that. So the jeweller pulls out a $20,000 rings and asks if that is special enough? The blondes eyes light up and the old guy says they will take it. He gives the jeweller a cheque for $20,000 and says when the cheque clears on Monday they will come back and pick the ring up.
&nbsp;
Monday rolls around and the jeweller calls the old up and says the cheque bounced. The old guy says *”yeah I know, I had the weekend of my life though!!”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9re3pz/80_year_old_guy_goes_into_a_jewellers_with_a/
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Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her:

"Run, florist! Run!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9re2bp/saw_a_guy_come_racing_out_of_our_local_flower/
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For a change, a genie appeared in front of a woman this time...

A genie appeared in front of a woman.
"Whatever you want, as many things as you want, just ask " the genie said.
"My husband’s eyes should be only on me during all waking hours."
"And then ..?"
"He should not be concerned with anything else in life except me."
"And then?"
"He should never sleep without me by his side."
"And then ..?"
"When he wakes up in the morning he should only see my face first."
"And then ..?"
"He should not go anywhere without me."
"And then ..?"
"If there is even a single scratch on me, he should go crazy with grief."
"And then ..?"
"That's it."
And, bingo, the genie turned the woman into a smartphone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9re0w0/for_a_change_a_genie_appeared_in_front_of_a_woman/
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Today my best friend got mad at me for sniffing his sister's panties.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the whole family was there. Either way, talk about a shitty way to ruin a 6-year old's funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rdrq9/today_my_best_friend_got_mad_at_me_for_sniffing/
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(Science joke) Whats the difference between boys and girls?

I don't know all the specifics, but there's a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rdrhm/science_joke_whats_the_difference_between_boys/
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My boss said my math skills are average.

That's just mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rdmcx/my_boss_said_my_math_skills_are_average/
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Science flies you to the moon.

Religion flies you into buildings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rdebz/science_flies_you_to_the_moon/
%
A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?

Germany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rde7n/a_portuguese_a_greek_and_a_spaniard_go_into_a/
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If people didn’t have nipples...

breasts would have no point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rd9fg/if_people_didnt_have_nipples/
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3 Little Men

Three of the smallest men you could ever imagine are sitting around a pub in Dublin, drinking and reading the Guiness Book of World Records.
One of the guys says, "you know what, we are all extremely tiny, I bet we could get our names in this book, I know I have the smallest hands in the world"
The second guy says "well Im pretty sure I have the smallest spine in the world".
The last guy says, "I know it is embarrassing, but I think I have the smallest dick in the world".
So the next morning all three go down to the Guiness offices to get their names in the book.
That night however, they were back in the pub, drinking and depressed.
The smallest of the men says, "I cant believe none of us got into the book. Fuck Donald Trump."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rd8oa/3_little_men/
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What's the difference between your wife and your Job?

Well, after 10 years your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rd6i1/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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I used to be heavily addicted to soap...

Don’t worry, I’m clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rd68j/i_used_to_be_heavily_addicted_to_soap/
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A family had just moved to the US from India.

They had a young daughter, like 5 years old, who was still learning English. One day she fell down the stairs while playing outside. She ran in crying and saying "The stairs hit me!"... once she calmed down her dad corrected her and said "No no. You mean to say 'I fell down the stairs'."
A few days later they were in the grocery store. In the checkout line the cashier saw the girl's bruised up legs and asked what happened. The daughter responded with "What did you tell me to say, dad? Oh right! I fell down the stairs."
He had a fun time explaining that to the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rd3e2/a_family_had_just_moved_to_the_us_from_india/
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Women drivers

I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do?
She actually turns left!
How am I supposed to prepare myself with these fucking mind games?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rd296/women_drivers/
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What do you call a person with a nut allergy?

A Lesbian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rd02a/what_do_you_call_a_person_with_a_nut_allergy/
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Three guys are drinking in a bar, and this drunk wanders in..

He immediately goes to the middle guy, slaps him on the back and says "HEY! .. I fucked your mother last night.."
The guy in the middle ignores him, and the drunk shifts to the other side to start drinking and talking to himself. He comes back over ten minutes later and does it again!
"By the way.. she was *faaaaaantastic*," he blurts out.
Finally, the guy in the middle turns around and goes, "Listen! Dad! You're drunk! Go home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rcvtl/three_guys_are_drinking_in_a_bar_and_this_drunk/
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To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, policemen, chefs, janitors, teachers, firemen and hundreds more. After weeks of interviews, Bob saw there was only one applicant left; an old man sitting on a chair.
"What is it you do, sir?" Bob asked.
"I'm a Kooshmaker." Said the old man.
Now Bob had no idea what a Kooshmaker was, but he was too embarrassed to ask. "You're in luck," Bob said, "we don't have a Kooshmaker yet. You're hired."
The next day, Bob set sail. While roaming the high seas, Bob walked around his ship, checking up on his new hires. He saw chefs cooking, sailors running the ship and was happy everyone seemed to be doing their job. Everyone, that is, except for the Kooshmaker.
"Kooshmaker, why aren't you working?" Bob asked.
"I don't have any material." The Kooshmaker replied.
"Well, just tell me what you need and you'll get it."
"I need a large workshop and 10 tons of super mega steel." Said the Kooshmaker.
So Bob set the Kooshmaker up with a giant workshop below deck. "Where can we get super mega steel?" He asked.
"We can get it in Australia." Said the Kooshmaker.
So Bob changed course and sailed down to Australia where he purchased 10 tons of super mega steel. The Kooshmaker thanked him, took it all to his workshop and got busy.
For days on end, all through the ship, everyone could hear the Kooshmaker working, going:
Snap, crackle, pop.
Snap, crackle, pop.
Snap, crackle, pop.
Snap, crackle, STOP.
Then Bob ran down the stairs. He knocked on the door and said, "Kooshmaker! Kooshmaker! Are you done yet?"
And the Kooshmaker said, "No. I need more super mega steel."
"But we bought all the super mega steel in Australia, where else can we get it?"
"Brazil." He said.  So they set sail for Brazil where they purchased 20 tons of super mega steel.The Kooshmaker then took it all down to his workshop and got busy.
For days on end, all through the ship, everyone could hear the Kooshmaker working, going:
Snap, crackle, pop.
Snap, crackle, pop.
Snap, crackle, pop.
Snap, crackle, STOP.
Then Bob ran down the stairs. He knocked on the door and said, "Kooshmaker! Kooshmaker! Are you done yet?"
And the Kooshmaker said, "No. I need more super mega steel."
"But we bought all the super mega steel in Brazil, when else can we get it?"
"India." He said.  So they set sail for India where they purchased 30 tons of super mega steel. The Kooshmaker then took it all down to his workshop and got busy.
For days on end, all through the ship, everyone could hear the Kooshmaker working, going:
Snap, crackle, pop.
Snap, crackle, pop.
Snap, crackle, pop.
Snap, crackle, STOP.
Then Bob ran down the stairs. He knocked on the door and said, "Kooshmaker! Kooshmaker! Are you done yet?"
And the Kooshmaker said, "Yes."
Bob was ecstatic, as was everyone else on the ship. They were so excited to finally find out what the Kooshmaker had been working on for so long.
The next day everyone gathered on the deck for the big reveal. Bob stood in front of everyone and with a flourish he shouted, "I now present, the Kooshmaker!"
Everyone cheered as the Kooshmaker pulled back a giant tarp but they all went quiet when they saw that under it was just a giant chain. A chain with links so huge they were as big as a house. The chain went all the way around the ship and on the other end, the chain got smaller until it was small enough to fit in the Kooshmaker's hand.
After a minute of dead silence, the Kooshmaker started to swing the chain over his head. He swung faster and faster. As he picked up speed the ship began to sway. Then it started to spin. It started to spin so fast that it began to rise up out of the water like a helicopter!
The Kooshmaker kept swinging and spinning and the ship started to fly higher and higher. Everyone on the ship was freaking out, especially Bob.
Bob ran over to the Kooshmaker and started to yell, "what are you doing?! You're going to kill us all!"
But the Kooshmaker ignored him. So Bob yelled again, "as your boss, I order you to stop this at once or you're fired!"
The Kooshmaker looked at Bob and after a few seconds he stopped swinging the chain. The ship stopped spinning and began to fall.
It fell faster and faster. Clouds were rushing past it as it hurtled downward toward the ocean.
Bob screamed, "Kooshmaker, what have you done!"
The ship kept plummeting, falling and falling until it finally hit the water and went:
KOOOOOOOSH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rcs4d/to_his_great_surprise_bob_won_the_largest_lottery/
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To the person that stole my month’s supply of Adderall..

You now have my complete attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rcq7s/to_the_person_that_stole_my_months_supply_of/
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Stormy Daniels and queen Elizabeth died on the same day and both went to heaven

When they reached the gates of heaven, god greeted them and said “sorry ladies we only have room for one of you right now, please make your best case on why I should let you in.” Stormy Daniels thinks for a minute and lifts up her shirt and jumps around. Queen Elizabeth sees this, thinks about it and asks to use the bathroom. She then runs to the bathroom flushes the toilet and comes back. God says, “allow me a few hours to think on this”. After a few hours of thinking god comes back and says “you have both given me a lot to think about.....” stormy Daniels decides to flash him one more time and queen Elizabeth decides to run to the bathroom again and flush the toilet. God chooses to allow queen Elizabeth into heaven.
Remember kids, a royal flush always beats two of a kind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rcpk3/stormy_daniels_and_queen_elizabeth_died_on_the/
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Yo mama so ugly

She went into a haunted house and came out with a paycheck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rcnp6/yo_mama_so_ugly/
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I went to the grocery store to buy the grocery divider

But every time it reaches the end the lady puts it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rckxd/i_went_to_the_grocery_store_to_buy_the_grocery/
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How much does a circumciser get paid?

Nothing, he just keeps the tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rcjru/how_much_does_a_circumciser_get_paid/
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Why I'm tired

The population of this country is about 237 million.   104 million are retired.   That leaves 133 million to do the work.   There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.   Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.   2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work.   Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.   At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.   Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.   That leaves just two people to do the work.   You and me.   And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rcj9e/why_im_tired/
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A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.
"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.
The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.
"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me."
"No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings."
"I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rci6a/a_hindu_a_rabbi_and_a_jehovahs_witness_are_lost/
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Patient: Doctor, I need your help! I've lost my memory!

Doctor : When did it happen?
Patient : When did what happen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rchvi/patient_doctor_i_need_your_help_ive_lost_my_memory/
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What's the best part about being a meth head on Halloween?

Just two more sleeps till Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rchda/whats_the_best_part_about_being_a_meth_head_on/
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Despite not being a shoplifter, I know what goes through their heads.

"I'm not buying it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rcddr/despite_not_being_a_shoplifter_i_know_what_goes/
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rc8oi/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
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I tried Wookie meat...

It was a bit Chewy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rc7t9/i_tried_wookie_meat/
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A man is on a photo safari in Africa, when he finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting
and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when
he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant
immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trunk, slams him on the
pavement and then stomps the life out of him.
It was a different elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rc4sj/a_man_is_on_a_photo_safari_in_africa_when_he/
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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’  The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself.  She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands in your knickers  Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.  She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands into her panties and begins to feel around very slowly and gently caresses her nicely trimmed muff. He pushes her lips apart and gently slides his fingers in and out of her now moist pussy.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last finger of her clitorus, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rc2f1/a_woman_decides_to_have_a_face_lift_for_her_50th/
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Cats

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rbxxm/cats/
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My flat earther friend told me he would walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat!

In the end he came around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rbx29/my_flat_earther_friend_told_me_he_would_walk_to/
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Only an anti-vaxxer would get this

Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rbvun/only_an_antivaxxer_would_get_this/
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Heard this joke one time, made me chuckle. Wanted to share it.

Donald Trump, Leonardo Dicaprio, The Pope and a 13 year old school child have all been kidnapped and put on an airplane with only 3 parachutes for the 4 of them.
Leonardo Dicaprio takes one of the 3 and says "I am very famous and all of my fans would be sad if I died." so he took one and jumped out.
Donald Trump takes one of the remaining two parachutes and says "I am the smartest person on the planet, the world would be lost without me." and jumps off.
There is only 1 parachute left and the Pope says to the school child, "You  may have the last one, I have lived for long enough."
But the child says "It's ok, we can both live." The pope asks why and the child says "Because the Smartest man on the planet just jumped off with my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rbs3f/heard_this_joke_one_time_made_me_chuckle_wanted/
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I have a masturbation problem.

And I need to beat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rbom2/i_have_a_masturbation_problem/
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:

Y'know, one would've been enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rblss/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/
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What is Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rbkrj/what_is_irish_and_stays_out_all_night/
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What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rbhss/what_do_you_call_a_judge_with_no_thumbs/
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A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rbfkb/a_man_is_dating_three_women_and_wants_to_decide/
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That Fisherman will never make it as a boxer.

All he can throw is hooks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rbf8s/that_fisherman_will_never_make_it_as_a_boxer/
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A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'

I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rbdz3/a_cute_girl_at_work_said_shed_only_go_on_a_date/
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I'm trying to stream Titanic

But it keeps syncing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rbczc/im_trying_to_stream_titanic/
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Did you know

suicide is the fastest way to speedrun life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rb2ao/did_you_know/
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Today a trick or treater came to my door looking for halloween candies.

I gave him a chocolate bar and on his way out he shouted "your wife is pretty".   Needless to say the wife got excited and said cute what was he dressed up as.  My response was easy "He was dressed up as a blind kid apparently"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rb04d/today_a_trick_or_treater_came_to_my_door_looking/
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What do you call not bad, not good brown beef?

Meaty-ochre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rax5x/what_do_you_call_not_bad_not_good_brown_beef/
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People don't make a big deal about elevators, but they are really ahead of their time...

It's some next level shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ratgk/people_dont_make_a_big_deal_about_elevators_but/
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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him.
"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rapng/on_his_74th_birthday_a_man_got_a_gift_certificate/
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9raco9/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_rubber_toe/
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I made a computer that understands the meaning of sex, women and everything.

Deep thot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rac1m/i_made_a_computer_that_understands_the_meaning_of/
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If you watch a movie with Jackie Chan backwards...

You will get a documentary about a Chinese guy who assembles furniture with his feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9rabmi/if_you_watch_a_movie_with_jackie_chan_backwards/
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Thanks to the anti-vaxx movement, people are dying needlelessly.

I hope this goes viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ra8j7/thanks_to_the_antivaxx_movement_people_are_dying/
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When I argued with the barista on how to make my coffee

I got expertly roasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ra77i/when_i_argued_with_the_barista_on_how_to_make_my/
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Why do all Fortnite players have healthy gums?

Because they floss regularly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ra68w/why_do_all_fortnite_players_have_healthy_gums/
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At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away...

A whim away, a whim away, a whim away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ra3km/at_any_given_time_the_urge_to_sing_the_lion/
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I heard a joke about Oedipus and King Midas

It was motherfuckin gold!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ra0oj/i_heard_a_joke_about_oedipus_and_king_midas/
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What is the first rule of fight club?

Never have it at the Saudi consulate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9z1t/what_is_the_first_rule_of_fight_club/
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"Boss, I just got married. Can I get a pay raise?"

"Sorry, we don't compensate for accidents that happen outside of work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9z0s/boss_i_just_got_married_can_i_get_a_pay_raise/
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The police came by and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

My dogs don't even own bikes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9yau/the_police_came_by_and_told_me_my_dogs_were/
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by  almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls  that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The  father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never  seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is."
While  the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping  slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a  small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched,  small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They  continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and  then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped  out.
The father said to his son, "Quick,go get your Mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9ulf/an_amish_boy_and_his_father_were_visiting_a_mall/
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A man walks up to a millionaire fisherman

Man:  “Wow you must make a lot of money off fishing.”
Fisherman: “Aye I do, last season I raked in over $500,000.”
Man: “If you don’t mind me asking how much is your Networth?”
Fisher: “This old net is worth around $200.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9ugb/a_man_walks_up_to_a_millionaire_fisherman/
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A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.
They  get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she  notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with  soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom,  with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed  in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken  quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched  by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There  were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears  covering the length of the middle shelf,and huge, enormous bears running  all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously  masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is  quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him.
They  share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she  finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!  Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’
She turns to  him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They  continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in  his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each  other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed  that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she  has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with  this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The  woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
"Well,how was it?’
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9tgg/a_woman_meets_syd_the_stud_in_a_bar/
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President Trump decides to go for joh

On the White House lawn, the groundskeeper tells Trump that he oughta try racing around the White House.
Groundskeeper: “Every President for decades has raced around the White House. Your predecessor Barack Obama ran the entire race in 10 minutes.”
Trump: “That’s nothing! I can beat that! Believe me I’m the fastest president in history.”
So Trump runs and does really well.
Groundskeeper: “Wow! You did beat Obama, you ran it in 9:45”
Trump: “I knew it! I’m the best!”
Groundskeeper: “well not quite.... Bush did 9:11”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9r16/president_trump_decides_to_go_for_joh/
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Every year my boyfriend gets me with one of those damned trick candles.

You know, the ones where you blow and you blow and you blow, and then they squirt you in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9ou5/every_year_my_boyfriend_gets_me_with_one_of_those/
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Four friends are touring Europe...

One is English, one is French, one is Spanish, and the last one is from Germany. In Paris, they see a group gathered around a street performer. After several minutes of trying to see with no avail, he notices them trying to see him and stands on a box and shouts to the four friends, "Can you gents in the back see me alright?"
The four friends respond, "Yes, Oui, Si, Ja!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9olq/four_friends_are_touring_europe/
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The worst part about going to work hungover

Is having to lie about having friends to drink with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9mvg/the_worst_part_about_going_to_work_hungover/
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What is a ghost’s favourite dish?

Ghoulash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9l2m/what_is_a_ghosts_favourite_dish/
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What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

In the end, someone's always going to lose a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9kdf/what_does_a_tornado_and_a_redneck_divorce_have_in/
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What has 2 legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9ip8/what_has_2_legs_and_bleeds/
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Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"
Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.
"Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.
Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?
General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."
Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9ii1/donald_trump_asks_the_queen_the_advice/
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A Spanish Language Class.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la com putadora'), because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval, and;
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
IT GETS BETTER!
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem, and;
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
As usual.....The women won...........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9fwp/a_spanish_language_class/
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Thor went out to an Asgardian bar one night...

And he meets this beautiful woman. They go home and spend the night with each other. The next morning when they wake up Thor says "You know I must tell you... I am Thor." The woman replies "You're Thor? I can hardly walk."
Stolen from Chris Hemsworth on The Graham Norton Show

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9e1v/thor_went_out_to_an_asgardian_bar_one_night/
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What is the hardest thing in skateboarding?

Concrete

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9bmc/what_is_the_hardest_thing_in_skateboarding/
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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.
"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9bfu/i_met_buzz_aldrin_once_and_asked_how_he_felt/
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Why do Teddy bears never eat?

Because they are always stuffed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9a4q/why_do_teddy_bears_never_eat/
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Why was the broom late for work?

He overswept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r996a/why_was_the_broom_late_for_work/
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One day the bishop is not available, so the priest is in charge of the confessions

First woman comes in and says: ''Father I have insulted my husband.''The priest replies: "that will be 20 hail mary's and all will be forgiven.''
Next a man confesses: ''Father I have hit my wife.''The priest say: "A very serieus affair, 50 hail mary's and an apology to your wife."
Last another woman says: "Father I have given a Blowjob."The priest has not yet encountered anything like this and excuses himself for a moment.
He walks up to the sacristan and asks: "what does the bishop usually give for a blowjob?"The sacristan replies: "He usually gives me two chocolate bars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r97g3/one_day_the_bishop_is_not_available_so_the_priest/
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Sex with me is like an Italian Opera.

For a while no one knows what the hell is going on, and it usually ends with a fat person yelling really loudly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r96qu/sex_with_me_is_like_an_italian_opera/
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A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview

The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.
The first one asks, “Who do you think the best soccer player in the world is?”
The smart guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.
The second interviewer asks, “When did the phone come out?”
The smart guy replies, “the first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “do you believe in UFOs?”
The smart guy replies, “ I don’t know but I think so.”
He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.
Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasn’t that bright so the first one asked, “Who is your father?”
The dumb guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.”
The second interview asks, “When were you born?”
He replied, “I came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Are you dumb”
The dumb guy says, “I don’t know but I think so.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r9539/a_stupid_guy_and_a_smart_guy_have_a_job_interview/
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I was watching Jurassic park the other day.....

.... when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r90r3/i_was_watching_jurassic_park_the_other_day/
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There once was a Native American who had only one testicle...

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r90g6/there_once_was_a_native_american_who_had_only_one/
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Why are all americans stupid?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8zvz/why_are_all_americans_stupid/
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My 9 year old thinks we should name our new dog after her Uncle.

When we asked her why, "So when we tell people that Steve pooped in the garage, they'll think it was him!".
True story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8zss/my_9_year_old_thinks_we_should_name_our_new_dog/
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Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the bridge ?

Taquilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8x21/why_did_the_mexican_throw_his_wife_off_the_bridge/
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If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye?

.....
Beauty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8t7m/if_you_have_a_bee_in_your_hand_what_do_you_have/
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Despite my objections, my pastor told me and my boyfriend that homosexuality and dyslexia are sinful.

I guess I'm in Daniel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8sp8/despite_my_objections_my_pastor_told_me_and_my/
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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8r4l/i_caught_two_kids_smoking_pot_outside_my_office/
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As a golfer, I always carry two pairs of trousers.

What if I get a hole in one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8r1n/as_a_golfer_i_always_carry_two_pairs_of_trousers/
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If I pulled the pin from a grenade,

how long does it take to expl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8pzp/if_i_pulled_the_pin_from_a_grenade/
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My doctor says I have aggression issues

Next time he says that he won't get away with only a broken nose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8omy/my_doctor_says_i_have_aggression_issues/
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Did you hear about the mathematician's son who was scared of negative numbers?

He stopped at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8iye/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematicians_son_who_was/
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What did the man say to the odd-looking German child whom he had never met before but helped him out?

Thank you strange kinder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8eus/what_did_the_man_say_to_the_oddlooking_german/
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One of Roald Dahl's characters gained weight and started writing rap music.

Notorious BFG.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8bax/one_of_roald_dahls_characters_gained_weight_and/
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Did you guys hear about the creation of the moon?

It was a world-shattering event for those who experienced it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8ali/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_creation_of_the_moon/
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My friend thinks I'm a homosexual because I enjoy pole dancing.

"Pole dancing" sounds better than "riding cock".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8a44/my_friend_thinks_im_a_homosexual_because_i_enjoy/
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A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."
After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"
The woman says "It was totally birth it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r88v4/a_young_woman_is_at_her_doctors_appointment_when/
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What do Portland, Oregon, and the finest restaurants in France have in common?

White whine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r85ia/what_do_portland_oregon_and_the_finest/
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What's the difference between a baby and a feminist?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
One day the baby grows up and stops crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r8490/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_feminist/
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What does one say after shooting notorious big?

No biggie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r823q/what_does_one_say_after_shooting_notorious_big/
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What is the best Donald Trump joke you've heard?

Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes:
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”
“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r7wwx/what_is_the_best_donald_trump_joke_youve_heard/
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What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What do you call nuts on a tree? Tree nuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?

A dick in your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r7vpc/what_do_you_call_nuts_on_a_wall_walnuts_what_do/
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What is Gordan Ramseys favourite subreddit?

It's fucking /r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r7tnt/what_is_gordan_ramseys_favourite_subreddit/
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Don't call people online 'NPCs'. It's insulting.

NPCs give you health and ammo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r7ifk/dont_call_people_online_npcs_its_insulting/
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Why did the old man fall down the well?

He couldn’t see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r7fc1/why_did_the_old_man_fall_down_the_well/
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Here I sit on the toilet as the clock strikes midnight.

Same shit, different day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r7ad6/here_i_sit_on_the_toilet_as_the_clock_strikes/
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Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r78u3/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
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Two old men were sitting quietly in a bar.

“When was the last time you made love to a woman?” the first man asked.
“It was 1945,” replied the other.
“My goodness!” exclaimed the first man. “That’s a long time ago.”
“Not really,” said the other man, glancing at his watch. “It’s only twenty past eight now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r78nc/two_old_men_were_sitting_quietly_in_a_bar/
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I was going through a hostile phase in my high-school So I stood up and asked my teacher " When are we going to use this!?"

She got so mad that she threw the model vagina at my face..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r77p7/i_was_going_through_a_hostile_phase_in_my/
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Why was Oedipus against profanity?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r73ma/why_was_oedipus_against_profanity/
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Angela Merkel has been German chancellor for 13 years. Not to invoke Godwin's Law, but you know who else was chancellor of Germany for 13 years?

Konrad Adenauer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r70tf/angela_merkel_has_been_german_chancellor_for_13/
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Why can't ghosts have babies? [Halloween Joke]

Because they have hollow-weenies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6ys8/why_cant_ghosts_have_babies_halloween_joke/
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I have a dilemma. They say you should always give 100%, and I was raised to give 110%...

but... I am at the blood center.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6w3e/i_have_a_dilemma_they_say_you_should_always_give/
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How do you "turn on" a computer?

You press her buttons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6vsz/how_do_you_turn_on_a_computer/
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How do you greet a German Shepherd in their native language?

Guten Dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6ucz/how_do_you_greet_a_german_shepherd_in_their/
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What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6rv0/whats_the_difference_between_a_lamborghini_and_a/
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A man walks into a convenience store to buy condoms...

Cashier: " That will be $12.60, sir. Do you need a bag?"
Man: "No, thanks. She's not that ugly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6r2z/a_man_walks_into_a_convenience_store_to_buy/
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Why was Oedipus against profanity?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6psl/why_was_oedipus_against_profanity/
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TIFU by taking someone else's sandwich at the deli

My bad, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6ne7/tifu_by_taking_someone_elses_sandwich_at_the_deli/
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My parents keep telling me I am wasting my life playing video games.

Luckily I have two lives left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6izn/my_parents_keep_telling_me_i_am_wasting_my_life/
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A naked women robbed a bank..

No one could remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6ins/a_naked_women_robbed_a_bank/
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[nsfw] What does a woman do to get her arsehole ready for sex?

Fondles his balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6gvk/nsfw_what_does_a_woman_do_to_get_her_arsehole/
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A woman makes a complaint at a police station

"Help help officer. I've just been molested by a contractor"
"How do you know he's a contractor?" replies the officer
"Well I had to do 70% of the work myself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6flu/a_woman_makes_a_complaint_at_a_police_station/
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What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog?

One is assaulting with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6exh/what_is_the_difference_between_stabbing_a_man_and/
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Sex is a lot like pizza

When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad it’s still pretty good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6bjk/sex_is_a_lot_like_pizza/
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I just experienced the worst customer service

I experienced the WORST customer service today. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr. . I'll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r6bac/i_just_experienced_the_worst_customer_service/
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Trash cans are all vigilantes

They keep our streets clean when others won't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r69lr/trash_cans_are_all_vigilantes/
%
"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here. What's the problem, Cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp. Now her pussy has completely closed up!"

"Bummer, mate!!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r64gc/gday_mate_aussie_help_line_here_whats_the_problem/
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The U.K. police are looking for a robbery suspect that looks like “Ross” from Friends.

No one ever told him life was gonna be this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r62dq/the_uk_police_are_looking_for_a_robbery_suspect/
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Of Biblical proportions

An elderly Catholic priest dies one night peacefully in his sleep after a long life of serving God, and finds himself standing at the pearly gates.
"You were such a pious and holy man in life," began St. Peter, "that as a reward you can make one request of me before leaving behind your worldly cares and entering heaven."
"Well," says the priest, "I'd like to read the original manuscript of the Bible."
Even more impressed now than before, St. Peter grants the request and takes the priest to God's own private library, before leaving him to his studies.
Shortly afterward, the priest lets out an unholy shriek. St. Peter rushes into the library and asks, "what is it? What's wrong?!"
And through gritted teeth and streams of tears the priest cried out: "Celebrate! It says celebrate, not celibate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r60kf/of_biblical_proportions/
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My best friend and I were kicked out of our very first fetish meet-up.

I guess we got off on the wrong foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r60fm/my_best_friend_and_i_were_kicked_out_of_our_very/
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Do you know what the hardest part of telling a pizza joke is?

It's all in the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5zx5/do_you_know_what_the_hardest_part_of_telling_a/
%
How do you edit a post?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5x11/how_do_you_edit_a_post/
%
Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

Because “b” shells are too small.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5vtw/why_do_mermaids_wear_sea_shells/
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Make me feel like a woman...

A man and a woman are on an elevator and the woman is immediately attracted to the man. He smiled and said hello, which only made her want him more. She could tell the feelings were mutual so she made her move...
Woman: “I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I’ve never been so attracted to someone like this before, I want to take you back to my place and to do very bad things to you.”
Man: “I’m in. But let’s not wait let’s do it here.”  At first she was hesitant, but gave in, replying :
”I want you talk dirty to me, I want you to say things that will really make me feel like a woman.”
Man:”take off your clothes.”
She does...
Woman:”what’s next?”
Man: “Now fold them...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5u4c/make_me_feel_like_a_woman/
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"Doc..." says Steve. "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for!?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done." replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK." says the doctor. "But it's against my better judgement!"
So Steve has his operation and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there!" says Steve. "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well..." said the patient. "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5sst/doc_says_steve_i_want_to_be_castrated_what_on/
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My friend told me that I should learn more languages

I reminded him that technically I speak English, Irish, Scottish, American and Australian in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5ofx/my_friend_told_me_that_i_should_learn_more/
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A man wakes and finds he is shrinking, getting smaller and smaller

He immediately panics gets dressed and runs out the door.
He try’s to get a cab but he’s getting smaller and smaller and he can’t flag one down.
So he takes off on foot and runs toward the hospital while getting smaller and smaller.
He makes it to the hospital and sees there is a long line but he is getting smaller and smaller so he runs past the line and up to the desk.
He jumps on the desk and yells “ You have to help me I’m getting smaller and smaller!”
The nurse puts a hands up and says “ Sir, excuse me but your going to have to be a little patient.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5nra/a_man_wakes_and_finds_he_is_shrinking_getting/
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What do unvaccinated children and jokes about anti-vaxxers have in common?

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5mxq/what_do_unvaccinated_children_and_jokes_about/
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What do you call a Russian man with three testicles?

Whodidyanickabollockov

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5j6j/what_do_you_call_a_russian_man_with_three/
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[OC] What do you call a ghost robbing a bank?

A polter-heist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5h4i/oc_what_do_you_call_a_ghost_robbing_a_bank/
%
Apparently Chewbacca crashed the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it.

It was a typical Wookie mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5gpp/apparently_chewbacca_crashed_the_millennium/
%
Whats the best pickup line ever?

"Hey, does this napkin smell like chloroform to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5fkb/whats_the_best_pickup_line_ever/
%
I used to know a pair of exterminators...

We had an older guy, named Rick, and his younger rookie partner, named Bill. Bill wasn't very good at the job at first... he could never figure out where to spray for bugs, since he didn't know where they'd be. The first time he told Rick about this problem, Rick told him "if there's a place or a thing in the bug's name, spray there, because that's where they are and where we don't want them to be."
So on an outing, they had a customer that was complaining about bedbugs. Bill asked Rick where he should spray for them, and Rick replies "I told you, if there's a place or a thing in the bug's name, spray there, because that's where they are and where we don't want them to be." So Bill sprayed down the bed, and a few weeks later, no more bedbugs.
The next time they were out, they were answering a call about wood roaches. Bill asked him where he should spray. Rick said again, "if there's a place or a thing in the bug's name, spray there, because that's where they are and where we don't want them to be." So Bill sprayed down all the woodwork in the area, and soon, the roaches were gone.
Then there was this one time, when a customer called in complaining of cockroaches... Bill decided he'd sit that one out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5emu/i_used_to_know_a_pair_of_exterminators/
%
A couple of guys are chilling when suddenly one of them looks at the clock and freaks out, "I gotta go back and do the dishes or my wife will beat me". The group reply with "damn, Mike, you let your wife beat you?". Mike replied:

"of course not! I always do the dishes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5ddk/a_couple_of_guys_are_chilling_when_suddenly_one/
%
Two chemists are at a restaurant

Waiter: What can I get you?
Chemist 1: I'll have some H2O
Chemist 2: I'll have some H2O also
Waiter, chemists 2's arch nemesis in disguise: [under breath] so close....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5d8f/two_chemists_are_at_a_restaurant/
%
I don’t see the big deal with same sex marriage

Me and my wife have been having the same sex for over 20 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5cxa/i_dont_see_the_big_deal_with_same_sex_marriage/
%
What do ghosts like to eat?

I scream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r5a51/what_do_ghosts_like_to_eat/
%
What does a Spanish-speaking guitar say when it’s given instructions?

C Major

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r59db/what_does_a_spanishspeaking_guitar_say_when_its/
%
What does Lil Pump call his fanbase?

The Pumpkin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r58vw/what_does_lil_pump_call_his_fanbase/
%
Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender: why the long face?
Horse: my alcoholism is destroying my family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r57u9/horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Video games have ruined my life.

Lucky for me. I can just respawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r53bl/video_games_have_ruined_my_life/
%
What do Chris Brown and Tesla have in common?

Battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r4xaj/what_do_chris_brown_and_tesla_have_in_common/
%
What is Hannibal’s favourite part about working for UPS?

Getting to de-liver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r4uzi/what_is_hannibals_favourite_part_about_working/
%
How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

One you will see in a while.
The other you will see later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r4u48/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a/
%
If I drink to much alcohol I’m called a alcoholic but if I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...

Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r4qe5/if_i_drink_to_much_alcohol_im_called_a_alcoholic/
%
What’s the biggest draw-back of being a male gynecologist?

Tunnel vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r4prb/whats_the_biggest_drawback_of_being_a_male/
%
So a ninja walks into a bar.

He sits at the counter and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, “sorry, we don’t serve your kind here. “
The ninja says, “what do you mean? I demand a drink! Let me speak to your manager.”
The manager comes out and asks what the problem is. The ninja explains his outrage.
The bartender says, “so can he have a drink, or not?”
The manager shrugs.
“Shuriken.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r4n4o/so_a_ninja_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Bad news for dyslexics on the 28th October

Your cocks go black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r4mox/bad_news_for_dyslexics_on_the_28th_october/
%
What's the difference between a refugee and an immigrant?

Depends on what Liberals want to use them for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r4jxg/whats_the_difference_between_a_refugee_and_an/
%
What happens if you use holy water to put out a fire?

Holy smokes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r4imj/what_happens_if_you_use_holy_water_to_put_out_a/
%
Wife got mad when I told her I must hang out with the guys once a week.

She hates my mandates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r4hs0/wife_got_mad_when_i_told_her_i_must_hang_out_with/
%
Spotify won't let me listen to any Hungarian composers for some reason

I feel so lisztless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r49u2/spotify_wont_let_me_listen_to_any_hungarian/
%
A Woman Is Out Golfing And Finds A Frog Trapped In The Woods

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.
When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r48a2/a_woman_is_out_golfing_and_finds_a_frog_trapped/
%
What kind of dog never barks?

A Malamute.
P.S. I know I'm going to hell for this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3v19/what_kind_of_dog_never_barks/
%
A baby whale goes up to his father.

Baby whale: daddy, where do I come from?
Dad whale: from my penis son .
Baby whale: oh... Um okay thanks .
Dad whale: you're whalecum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3tj4/a_baby_whale_goes_up_to_his_father/
%
Did you know that pigeons die after they have sex!?

At least the one I fucked did...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3sj7/did_you_know_that_pigeons_die_after_they_have_sex/
%
Feminists just want to be treated equally

... to the pretty ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3rhs/feminists_just_want_to_be_treated_equally/
%
A rich man on vacation goes to a casino and loses 10,000 dollars.

It starts raining, so the rich man needs to get to the hotel fast. He sees a taxi and says to the driver "How much to get to the sunny beach hotel?"
"10 bucks" the cab driver says.
"I don't have any money on me right now, but I have millions in the bank and if we go to an atm..."
The cab driver cuts him off: "You have to have the money with you."
"but I'm getting soaked!"
"No money no ride!" The taxi driver yells and drives away, leaving the millionaire to walk 10 miles in the downpour to his hotel room.
The next year he decides to repeat his vacation, and this time he wins a fortune. Needing to get home, he sees a whole row of taxis and says to the first one:
"how much to get to the sunny beach hotel?"
"10 bucks." the driver replies.
"And how much for you to suck my cock afterwards?"
"Piss off, you horny bastard!" the taxi driver yells.
He then walks from cab to cab, asking the same questions to each, and getting the same kind of response.
Then he sees the taxi driver who screwed him over the last time, and asks "How much to get to the sunny beach hotel?"
"10 bucks"
"Ok, great!"
So the taxi turns around and as they head down the street, he gives a smile and a thumbs up to all of the other taxis...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3pcg/a_rich_man_on_vacation_goes_to_a_casino_and_loses/
%
A new social media site is sweeping over college campuses.

Mysafespace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3p08/a_new_social_media_site_is_sweeping_over_college/
%
Why does the Trump administration like the new iPhone design?

Because Apple de-ported their phones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3mtr/why_does_the_trump_administration_like_the_new/
%
Why isn’t beer served at math parties?

They need something with more proof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3m8k/why_isnt_beer_served_at_math_parties/
%
What's Drake doing on his birthday?

An 18 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3kaw/whats_drake_doing_on_his_birthday/
%
Aliens 100 light years away watching earth by telescope.

*Germany is gonna surrender*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3j3h/aliens_100_light_years_away_watching_earth_by/
%
An Irishman moved to Germany

Now the town of Hamburg had an annual race around the edge of town, and the transplant decided to enter.  However, when he went to sign up he found that there was an entry fee which he was far too miserly to pay.  Instead, he slipped through the crowd and lined up with the other entrants.
Bang! The gun sounded and they were off!  Old McDonald sprinted out ahead of the pack in his argyle socks, and eventually crossed the finish line first.  Of course, he was disqualified,
but the whole matter was rather embarrassing for the townspeople, who were eventually forced to admit...
McDonald's not a real Hamburger, but is faster and cheaper than everyone anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3i24/an_irishman_moved_to_germany/
%
Me: Hello do you accept walk-ins?

Morgue: What.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3hh1/me_hello_do_you_accept_walkins/
%
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3fpd/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
%
I opened a company that sells land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3fjv/i_opened_a_company_that_sells_land_mines/
%
Jack, a boy of 12 years old, sees his dog getting ran over in the street

The next day, Jack goes to a brothel and asks the lady in charge if there are any women that are HIV positive. Shocked, the lady asks why the hell he would like to enjoy the services of a woman that is HIV positive. Well, Jack says, tonight my parents will be at the movies, so there will be a babysitter with me. As usual, the babysitter will ask me to please her. When my parents get home, my father will undoubtedly bring her home, where he will have a go at it with her. After that, my parents will sleep together. Tomorrow, my mother will, as always, seduce the milkman, and that is the motherf*cker who killed my dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3eov/jack_a_boy_of_12_years_old_sees_his_dog_getting/
%
Did you hear the one about the man who married his Mahogany table?

It was a monogamous mahoganous relationship where he gave his wood to only one wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3cgm/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_man_who_married/
%
My wife thinks it's hot that I'm so loyal to her.

I said her sister told me the exact opposite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r39ce/my_wife_thinks_its_hot_that_im_so_loyal_to_her/
%
If life’s a joke...

Then I must be Amy Schumer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r38yx/if_lifes_a_joke/
%
I'm going to hire a secretary based on ability, not looks, this time.

I just need someone who can answer phones while I'm banging the hot one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r37ib/im_going_to_hire_a_secretary_based_on_ability_not/
%
What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a hooker with diarrhea?

The corner farmer shucks between fits...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r35gr/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_corn/
%
During a recent password audit by a company...

...it was found that an employee was using the following password: "**MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento**".
When asked why she had such a long password, the employee rolled her eyes and said, "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r35gm/during_a_recent_password_audit_by_a_company/
%
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:

First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.
Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.
With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2
dollars each.
Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed,
I sold for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r3358/let_me_tell_you_how_i_became_a_millionaire/
%
Survivor: Texas Edition

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Edition".
The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilene, Fort Worth and then, finally, back to Dallas.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 15 bumper stickers which will read:
1. "I'm A Democrat"
2. "Amnesty For Illegals"
3. "I Love The Dixie Chicks"
4. "Boycott Beef"
5. "I Voted For Obama"
6. "George Strait Sucks"
7. "Elect Hillary In 20 20 "
8. "Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
9. "Rosie O'Donnell Is Texas Born"
10. "I Love ObamaCare and Chuck Schumer"
11. "Barney Frank Is My Hero"
12. "I Side With Jane Fonda"
13. "It's all Bush's Fault"
14. "Islam Is The Religion of Peace"
- and the last sticker is;
15. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"
The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r2xse/survivor_texas_edition/
%
My flight was delayed from birds striking against the airliner.

Wtf birds, just do your job. What are they even paying you for??? I got a connection to make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r2sap/my_flight_was_delayed_from_birds_striking_against/
%
What do Titanic and The 6th Sense have in common?

Icy Dead People

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r2r3y/what_do_titanic_and_the_6th_sense_have_in_common/
%
What do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger remembers the lyrics to Africa

Toto recall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r2oge/what_do_you_call_it_when_arnold_schwarzenegger/
%
A man and his camel

Totally not me.
A man was riding his camel through the desert when suddenly he got horny.
He gets off the camel, puts a rock behind him, stands on the rock and try to fuck it but the camel walks away, so he follows it and tries again camel runs away again, this went on for some hours until he reached some road and he notices a car
The car had 3 beautiful young ladies and they had a flat tire which he fixed, after he fixed it all 3 of them come at him all touchy feely to thank him and they tell him they will do anything to pay him back.
The man's eyes fill with joy and just to make sure he says absolutely anything??
Yes they reply.
He takes off his pants and says: hold this fucking camel for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r2nht/a_man_and_his_camel/
%
OC car joke

Why did Elon name his electric car the “Tesla”?
Because “Muskmobile” didn’t pass the smell test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r2fav/oc_car_joke/
%
I watch the Boston Marathon every year with my best friend. This year his girlfriend decided to join us, but she just couldn't understand why we were laughing.

It was a running joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r2dfx/i_watch_the_boston_marathon_every_year_with_my/
%
A friend of mine was looking for a job for months. He got hired by a clock making factory for 2$ an hour.

I asked him why he accepted the offer for so little pay.
He replied "It's not about the money."
"It's about damn time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r29v4/a_friend_of_mine_was_looking_for_a_job_for_months/
%
I used to work in a napkin factory in Russia...

I was in The Serviette Union.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r2853/i_used_to_work_in_a_napkin_factory_in_russia/
%
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r23pm/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
%
3 boys go into the candy store

The first one asks for a dollar's worth of jelly beans. The jelly beans are in a jar high up on a shelf, so the candy man has to get out a ladder, climb up the ladder, take the jar down, count the jelly beans, climb back up the ladder, and put the jar back on the shelf. The 2nd boy says, "I'd also like a dollar's worth of jelly beans." The candy man gets out the ladder again, climbs it again, counts out more jelly beans, and goes to put the jar on the shelf, but first he asks the 3rd boy "before I go and do this all again, do you ALSO want a dollar's worth of jelly beans?" "No," says the boy, and the candy man puts the jar back, climbs down the ladder and puts it back, and turns to the 3rd boy. "What can I get you, young man?" The boy answers, "I'll have $1.50 worth of jelly beans."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r2329/3_boys_go_into_the_candy_store/
%
I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.
Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r1z0b/ive_got_a_meeting_with_the_guy_that_invented_the/
%
We were happy to hear that grandpa has finally stopped smoking.

The crematorium said we could pick up his ashes tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r1yl6/we_were_happy_to_hear_that_grandpa_has_finally/
%
JavaScript is a lot like English;

No one knows how to use semicolons properly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r1xuo/javascript_is_a_lot_like_english/
%
The Twelve-Inch Pianist (A Classic)

A man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a little man. He places them down on the counter in front of the bartender as the little man starts playing a slow, reverent, and deeply moving rendition of the DuckTales theme song. After he finishes his musical masterpiece, the bartender applauds. He then says to the man, "Where'd you get the tiny piano and the little man?" The man replies "I got it with this!" He pulls an antique golden lamp out of his bag and shows it to the bartender. "Just rub the lamp and wish for something," he explains. "It'll give you anything you want!" The bartender, who was never one to pass up a chance for easy riches, rubs the lamp vigorously and says "I wish I had a million bucks!" Suddenly, a humongous flock of ducks comes flying through the window. They zoom around shitting on everything and knocking over tables before eventually leaving the way they came. The bartender is understandably bewildered. "I think this lamp is broken," he says. "Duh!" the man replies. "Of course it's broken! Do you really think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r1x3n/the_twelveinch_pianist_a_classic/
%
Why did Burt start Burt's Bees?

Because after he discovered Ernie, he lost all interest in birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r1v0n/why_did_burt_start_burts_bees/
%
A married woman had a good sex life

But she wanted to spice it up. So she visits a sex shop and asks for nice dildo. The salesman shows her different varieties but she isn't impressed. Noticing it, the salesman shows her something rare. He says "This is a magic dildo. Where ever you want it to penetrate, say the magic dildo followed by name of the hole. To stop it, say magic dildo I came." Impressed, she buys it for $19.99.
At home she takes of her clothes and  says magic dildo my pussy and all starts happening, but forgets how to stop it. She tries to pull it out but it doesn't work. When her husband enters the house, out of shock, he says "what the fuck is going on." The woman says that its a magic dildo and it isn't stopping while she still tries to pull it out. Her husband replies "magic dildo my ass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r1tww/a_married_woman_had_a_good_sex_life/
%
A man goes to a Judge to ask for a divorce from his wife...

He tells the Judge “I just can’t take it anymore - she is out until way past midnight nearly every single day of the week just going from bar to bar.”
The Judge asks “What’s she doing?”
The man replies... “Looking for me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r1pn8/a_man_goes_to_a_judge_to_ask_for_a_divorce_from/
%
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r1opg/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
My pc suddenly died while on a trip to japan

it appeared to have committed cpuku

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r1lqr/my_pc_suddenly_died_while_on_a_trip_to_japan/
%
What is a technique used by both swordfighters and Reddit users?

Riposte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r1kuz/what_is_a_technique_used_by_both_swordfighters/
%
Rihanna called me years ago and asked if she should date Chris Brown.

I said "If you want to knock yourself out".
Poor thing heard it as "If you want to, knock yourself out".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r1ggk/rihanna_called_me_years_ago_and_asked_if_she/
%
How does a Muslim boxer keep his distance?

Hijabs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r1fx1/how_does_a_muslim_boxer_keep_his_distance/
%
A frog illegally parked his car.

He was toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r1e0y/a_frog_illegally_parked_his_car/
%
I just got a Job at the new hospital, in the circumcision ward

It’s doesn’t pay very well , but I get to keep the tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r1aub/i_just_got_a_job_at_the_new_hospital_in_the/
%
Bought a cheese grater for my blind friend.

He says it’s the most violent book he’s ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r16vz/bought_a_cheese_grater_for_my_blind_friend/
%
A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r0wm4/a_policeman_knocked_on_my_door_this_morning/
%
A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early...

"Quick, hide!" she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet. The man hears the hushed voice of a young boy.
"Sure is dark in here."
"Indeed it is," the man responds.
"I have a baseball," says the boy.
"That's nice," he says.
"I'll sell it to you for $50."
"$50? That's a little steep for a baseball, son."
"Well, my dad has a shotgun. Wanna see that?"
"Tell you what, you have yourself a deal," says the man, and he pays the kid $50.
A week later, the man and the woman are having sex, when once again the woman's husband comes home early. Grabbing his clothes, the man jumps into the closet.
"Sure is dark in here," says the boy.
"Oh, it's you again."
"I have a baseball glove."
"Alright, how much do you want for it?"
"$700."
"$700? That's absurd!"
"Well, my dad has a shotgun. Would you rather see that?"
"Alright, alright, $700," so he pays the kid.
That Sunday, the father says to his son, "Go get your mitt, let's throw the ball around."
The boy says, "I can't, Dad. I sold my ball and glove."
"For how much?" he asks.
"$750."
"$750? Son, it's wrong to rip off your friends. I'm taking you to church for confession."
They drive to church and the boy kneels in the confession booth.
"Sure is dark in here," he says.
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r0rem/a_man_and_a_woman_are_having_sex_when_her_husband/
%
Mom, can I have a cigarette?

- "Mom can I have a cigarette?"
- "Dear lord, don't tell me you're smoking."
- "Only after I get fucked properly."
- "My God, you're having sex too?"
- "How else am I gonna get drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r0i0x/mom_can_i_have_a_cigarette/
%
What's the difference between a masochist and an amnesiac?

Beats me, I don't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r0hsy/whats_the_difference_between_a_masochist_and_an/
%
My wife cooks dinner for me. She treats me like a god....

....Everything is either burnt offerings or a bloody sacrifice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r0amw/my_wife_cooks_dinner_for_me_she_treats_me_like_a/
%
Expensive sushi

That's s raw deal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r07eq/expensive_sushi/
%
What do Spanish speakers say when they find someone illegally crossing their land?

This is bad. Alexa play trespassito.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r078d/what_do_spanish_speakers_say_when_they_find/
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There was a crook who in jail was forced onto a treadmill for his entire time

It was a run-on sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r04x9/there_was_a_crook_who_in_jail_was_forced_onto_a/
%
My mum used to say that the best way to a mans heart was through his stomach

She was a good woman... Terrible surgeon though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r040t/my_mum_used_to_say_that_the_best_way_to_a_mans/
%
Parallel Lines have so much in common

Its a shame they're never going to meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9r036r/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
A woman lives in an apartment with three neighbors on her floor

One night while taking a shower, the door bell rings.
She puts on a towel, gets out, and looks through the door's peephole.
It's her neighbor who's a fireman. She opens the door.
"Hey, Just wanted to let you know I put out my first fire!" he exclaims.
"Congratulations!" She says, and closes the door. She gets back in the shower.
Door bell rings again. Annoyed, she gets out with a towel and looks through the peephole.
It's her other neighbor who's a policeman. She opens the door.
"Just wanted to let you know I arrested my first guy!" he says.
"Congratulations." She mutters, closing the door.
Getting back into the shower a 3rd time, the door bell rings again.
Going back and looking through the peephole, she sees it's her neighbor who's blind.
Not bothering to wear a towel, she answers the door.
"Hey, just wanted to let you know I got my eyesight back!" he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qzzmr/a_woman_lives_in_an_apartment_with_three/
%
You know what the scientists always say to build up resistance to distractions and channel nature

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qzxmh/you_know_what_the_scientists_always_say_to_build/
%
I was a Guinea pig in a new drug trial recently.

Then it wore off and I was a boring old human again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qzwip/i_was_a_guinea_pig_in_a_new_drug_trial_recently/
%
Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qzsm3/why_did_the_chicken_commit_suicide/
%
This Sunday is going to be good day for dyslexic men,

Dont forget your cocks go black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qzpla/this_sunday_is_going_to_be_good_day_for_dyslexic/
%
A Soviet judge walks out of the courtroom.

He can barely contain his laughter. Curious, one of his colleagues asks him, "What's so funny?"
"I just heard this joke in my trial."
"Really? I want to hear it."
"No way, I just gave someone 20 years for it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qznif/a_soviet_judge_walks_out_of_the_courtroom/
%
My jokes are like when i try to do chemistry at school.

I never seem to get a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qzn55/my_jokes_are_like_when_i_try_to_do_chemistry_at/
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If you give enough monkeys access to this sub

They’ll eventually repost all of Shakespeare’s works

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qzlax/if_you_give_enough_monkeys_access_to_this_sub/
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I write songs about sewing machines

I'm a Singer Songwriter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qzhph/i_write_songs_about_sewing_machines/
%
The Scottish wedding...

Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.
‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ says Jock.
‘I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church,
the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...’
Archie nods approvingly.
‘Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!’ continues Jock.
‘A kilt?’ exclaims Archie, ‘That’s grand, you'll look pure smart in that!
And what’s the tartin?’
‘Ach,’ says Jock, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white.’
Tartan is the type/color of plaid that would be on a kilt
A Tart is referred to as a girl who dresses provocatively or slutty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qzgxc/the_scottish_wedding/
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What do you call a rapper with down syndrome?

21 Savage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qzfev/what_do_you_call_a_rapper_with_down_syndrome/
%
The Secret Service had to change protocol for when the president is in danger.

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qzaa7/the_secret_service_had_to_change_protocol_for/
%
Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qz8me/someone_should_make_a_phone_app_that_connects_to/
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What's the difference between your Wife and your Job?

Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qz27g/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
%
I like my women like my coffee

Preferably no pubic hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qz0ym/i_like_my_women_like_my_coffee/
%
Light travels faster than sound...

...that’s why most people appear bright until they speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qz05d/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
What's the similarity between a latin speaker and a necrophiliac?

They both appreciate a dead tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qyysk/whats_the_similarity_between_a_latin_speaker_and/
%
Fatherly duty

Two priests are riding together when they come upon a police checkpoint.
The officer walks to the window, and says "Sorry to bother you fellas, we're looking for a couple of child molesters."
They whisper to each other for a moment, and the driver says, "Alright, we'll do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qyyf2/fatherly_duty/
%
The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qynoy/the_first_time_i_had_sex_it_was_in_my_parents/
%
I know a guy from North Carolina who spent 200 million on the lotto.

He said that if he doesn’t win, his life savings are gonna go south.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qyjyx/i_know_a_guy_from_north_carolina_who_spent_200/
%
What's the difference between the red pill and the blue pill?

The blue pill makes you harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qyfmg/whats_the_difference_between_the_red_pill_and_the/
%
I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qyerc/i_get_anxious_when_i_watch_game_of_thrones_with/
%
Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qyeh7/whenever_i_go_to_a_sauna_i_must_have_the_whole/
%
Most of my jokes get no reaction...

but dismay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qy9j4/most_of_my_jokes_get_no_reaction/
%
If you suck at playing the trumpet

that's probably why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qy7bx/if_you_suck_at_playing_the_trumpet/
%
My girlfriend says I have a tendency to be overly taboo.

Well I say girlfriend...
She's actually my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qy5zk/my_girlfriend_says_i_have_a_tendency_to_be_overly/
%
A guy climbs Everest...

At the middle a very sexy blonde stops him and asks:
-Do you want me or to succeed?
The ambitious climber replied:
-Succeed, succeed.
And continued to climb.
Only 100 m to the peak of the mountain, a gorgeous looking brunette stops him and asks:
-Do you want me or to succeed?
-Succeed, Succeed!,
replied the climber and continued to climb even more ambitiously.
Only 20 meters remains to the glory. Suddenly a strong big man appears and says to him:
-Hello, my name is Seed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qy5nq/a_guy_climbs_everest/
%
I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qy582/i_got_a_new_book_about_japanese_sex_toy_vending/
%
Women. Can't live with them.

Can't live with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qy4jk/women_cant_live_with_them/
%
Caught a young boy stealing a video game from a video shop.

I said, "Little fella, if I was your dad, I wouldn't be best pleased."
"Why's that, fuck face? Never witnessed a crime before?" he blurted out, surprisingly.
I said, "It's not that. You're just not very handsome."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qy4bv/caught_a_young_boy_stealing_a_video_game_from_a/
%
How did the photon get through baggage check at the airport so fast?

It was traveling light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qy09k/how_did_the_photon_get_through_baggage_check_at/
%
Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy.

But he really saved the History channel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qxywc/hey_im_not_saying_hitler_was_a_great_guy/
%
What do you get from a sleepy skeleton?

Skeletonin :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qxtbc/what_do_you_get_from_a_sleepy_skeleton/
%
What is the definition of a fart?

Screams of a trapped shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qxqa2/what_is_the_definition_of_a_fart/
%
Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my neck and, at end, asked for money.

Fucking Barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qxkwz/today_a_man_twisted_my_ear_put_a_blade_to_my_neck/
%
Dogs always run away from me when I say hello so I named my dog Nama.

Now I just say Nama-stay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qxk68/dogs_always_run_away_from_me_when_i_say_hello_so/
%
A whale asks his whale father a question

Son "Hey dad, where am I from"
Dad "My balls"
Son "oh ok then, thanks"
Dad "You're whale-cum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qxijq/a_whale_asks_his_whale_father_a_question/
%
American, French, Italian and Russian male, with Spanish female are on a yacht for travel around the world...

After a while, the men gathered to decide and find out who will be courting the Spanish lady.
The American said:
-I will do it, I am the richest, and you know that who pays, he gets the goods!
The Frenchman:
-No, I'll be courting her, as a Frenchman, we are the most loving nation.
The Italian:
-We have nothing to argue, I'll be courting her. I'm an Italian anyway. It's in our nature.
The Russian man sits silently and drinks his beer. The others rounded him and asked:
-Why are you silent?
-I've been fucking her for two weeks now, and I did not know I should have been courting her too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qxfy8/american_french_italian_and_russian_male_with/
%
World Wrestling Championship. At the final are American and Japanese wrestlers.

Before the game, the American coach said:
- See John. I have not told you yet, but this Japanese is very strong and very corrupt. He has a favorite grip. If he applies it, everything is lost.
- No problem, trainer. I'll handle him somehow.
The fight begins. The wrestlers go out on the mat. The first round begins. After one minute, the Japanese made his favorite grip on the American. The coach, seeing this, went totally desperate. He took his towel and left the hall. He went to his room disappointed and angry. At one time he turned on the TV in the room and saw the glad American, everybody greets him. He became a world champion. The coach takes whiskey for surprise and goes back to the hall. And indeed. The American became a champion. After the celebration, the congratulations and the awards, the teacher calmed down with the American and inquired with curiosity:
- What happened, John? I do not believe my eyes! How did you do it?
- Well see trainer, "the American wrestler said, "How can I explain it to you? I also thought everything was lost when the Japanese caught me with this grip. He folded me in eight. I struggled, crawled, moaning, but suddenly I saw some balls shivered in front of my eyes. I thought a little, and in the next second I bit them with all my strength."
- Oh, John! ", the coach complained. "That's not nice. It's not sporting. This is not a fair play. You have earned it wrong".
-It wasn't trainer! ", John said, "But, you do not understand. You just can not imagine what a man is capable of when he bites his own balls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qx9ej/world_wrestling_championship_at_the_final_are/
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Globally, the lack of awareness for women's reproductive health is a major problem. We need to grow up and understand that menstruation is not a joke.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qx6e0/globally_the_lack_of_awareness_for_womens/
%
What do sardines and Popeye have in common?

They both come in olive oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qx1xf/what_do_sardines_and_popeye_have_in_common/
%
Son: Dad! Long time no see!

Dad: ”I know this one!!! Entury!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qwz41/son_dad_long_time_no_see/
%
An old classic...

One day a man walks up to a group of people chatting on the town's square, and says:
"Do you see that bridge over there? I built that, but when I walk by do people say 'look, there goes Antonio, the man who built the bridge'?"
"No they don't" he says.
Then he says:
"Do you see that bank over there? I also built that, but when I walk by do people say 'look, there goes Antonio, the man who built the bank'?"
Shaking his head, he says "No they don't"
He says:
"I give millions of dollars to charity every year, but when I walk by do people say 'look, there goes Antonio, the man who gives millions to charity'?"
"No they don't"
"But I fucked one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qwt4u/an_old_classic/
%
My "Workaholics Anonymous" meeting got canceled...

Everyone had to work late

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qwov6/my_workaholics_anonymous_meeting_got_canceled/
%
A friend of mine told me they have a dog that can return a ball shot out of a cannon...

To me that seems a little far fetched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qwn8r/a_friend_of_mine_told_me_they_have_a_dog_that_can/
%
Doggy Style?

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qwlgm/doggy_style/
%
I won $4 during the Mega Millions lottery today

Please respect our privacy as our family decides how to move forward in this exciting and pivotal moment in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qwl25/i_won_4_during_the_mega_millions_lottery_today/
%
Why are German flashlights always dead?

They use Nein Volt Batteries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qwkxg/why_are_german_flashlights_always_dead/
%
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?

Because they’re dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qwk6c/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
A man bought a parrot but it had a bad attitude and a fowl vocabulary...

He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its dirty language but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot flies out, lands on his perch, and says,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."
The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued,
"By the way, may I ask - what did the chicken do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qwjxc/a_man_bought_a_parrot_but_it_had_a_bad_attitude/
%
What do flight attendants and priests have in common?

They both get annoyed when the kid starts screaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qwgzn/what_do_flight_attendants_and_priests_have_in/
%
What's the difference between being hungry and horny?

Where you stick the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qwdl9/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
%
You know when you make a really good joke and you’re really proud because everyone laughs at it?

That’s probably how my parents felt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qw95g/you_know_when_you_make_a_really_good_joke_and/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qw905/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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The year is 2028 and r/jokes is going strong...

A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"
The second most upvoted joke says "3915"
The third most upvoted joke says "756"
He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"
The admin replies "You must be new here. r/jokes has been around for so long, we've seen every joke, so we just refer to them by numbers now"
The new user wants to get a few upvotes so writes "504,323"
When he checks his account the next day his joke is the top post on reddit and the most upvoted r/jokes thread of the last 10 years. He messages the admin "What happened?"
The admin replies "Nobody had heard that one before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qw6ff/the_year_is_2028_and_rjokes_is_going_strong/
%
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qw0rv/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
How did the immigrant caravan walk 2000 miles?

They listened to that Proclaimers song twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qvxbq/how_did_the_immigrant_caravan_walk_2000_miles/
%
How do you ensure a dock gets a fair trial?

Have it decided by a jury of his piers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qvszq/how_do_you_ensure_a_dock_gets_a_fair_trial/
%
So a blonde and a brunette are having a chat.

The brunette goes "Do you know what my dumb husband did? He bought me flowers again.."
Surprised , the blonde answers "Awww, thats so cute! He's not dumb, he's kind!"
The brunette says "Yea, but you know what they always want when they give you flowers. You always have to lay back and spread your legs."
The blonde makes a confused face and says "Why? You don't own a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qvr9n/so_a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_having_a_chat/
%
Who does the math for an illiterate drug dealer?

It’s the thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qvm3a/who_does_the_math_for_an_illiterate_drug_dealer/
%
Late one night a man is driving down the road...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qvhns/late_one_night_a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
%
I saw twins in cute matching outfits and asked them, “Your mom always buys matching clothes for you?”

One replied, “Sir, we are not twins. License and Registration please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qvgln/i_saw_twins_in_cute_matching_outfits_and_asked/
%
What type of porn do ghosts most prefer?

BOO-kake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qv990/what_type_of_porn_do_ghosts_most_prefer/
%
How can you tell Bach was a starving artist?

He was baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qv8xo/how_can_you_tell_bach_was_a_starving_artist/
%
I never used to enjoy masterbating...

I guess it must have rubbed off on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qv73a/i_never_used_to_enjoy_masterbating/
%
A little boy walked past an old mans house.

The boy had a roll of duct tape in his hands.
The old man asked him “What are you going to do with that duct tape?”  The little boy replied “I’m going to catch some ducks.”  “You can’t catch ducks with duct tape.” The old man replied.  “Sure I can”, and the little boy walked away.  Later that day the little boy returned with a bunch of ducks. The old man looked at him, shrugged his shoulders and thought to himself “Huh, I guess you can catch ducks with duct tape.”
The next day the little boy passed the old mans house with a roll of chicken wire. “What are you doing with that chicken wire?”, the old man asked. The little boy replied “I’m going to catch some chickens”. The old man told him “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”.  The little boy said “Sure I can” and walked away. Later that day the little boy returned with a bunch of chickens. The old man looked at him, shrugged his shoulders and thought to himself “Huh, I guess you can catch chickens with chicken wire.”
The next day the little boy passed the old mans house with an arm full of pussy willows. The old man looked at the little boy and said “Just a minute, I’m getting my shoes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qv55u/a_little_boy_walked_past_an_old_mans_house/
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I'm thinking about starting a donation website for men who can't afford Viagra

I was going to call it "Dick starter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qv2zf/im_thinking_about_starting_a_donation_website_for/
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With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qv2q7/with_all_the_tax_dollars_weed_sales_in_colorado/
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Who wants to hear my vacuum joke?

Forget it. It sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qv16h/who_wants_to_hear_my_vacuum_joke/
%
I just finished up my spherical geometry class

Dunno why I bothered, there's literally no point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9quz43/i_just_finished_up_my_spherical_geometry_class/
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So theres three guys walking on a beach, a white man, a black man, and a mexican man.

The three men find a magic lamp, and upon rubbing it a genie appears.
Genie: Thank you for saving me from that lamp, as a symbol of my gratitude I will grant each of you one wish.
Black man: I wish for all my African brothers and sisters to be home in African and wealthy beyond their wildest dreams.
The genie snaps his fingers and the wish is granted.
Mexican man: I wish for all my Mexican brothers and sisters to be home in Mexico and wealthy beyond their wildest dreams.
The genie snaps his fingers and the wish is granted.
White man: so all the black people are back in African and all the mexican people are back in Mexico?
Genie: correct.
White man: well then I'll have a Coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9quyyn/so_theres_three_guys_walking_on_a_beach_a_white/
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If Hitler became a potato

He'd be a bit of a dick tater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qux8r/if_hitler_became_a_potato/
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What was the man's response when he found out all of his kids were not his biological children?

He said the experience left a lot to be de-sired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qux38/what_was_the_mans_response_when_he_found_out_all/
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Friend: Bro, you have over 300 apps on your phone wtf?!?!?

Me: Yeah i have an appidemic...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9quwyf/friend_bro_you_have_over_300_apps_on_your_phone/
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Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9quwxj/yesterday_i_saw_an_ad_that_said_radio_for_sale_1/
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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.
Things go from bad to worse. Without a car to get to work, Dave loses his job. Without a job, his mortgage is foreclosed on, and he loses his home. Without a home, his wife leaves him, taking the kids. After each horrible step in the mounting crisis, he pleads with God to let him win the lottery, but he never does.
Finally, broke, hungry, living on the street, he tries again. "God, please, my life is a wreck. I have no car, no home, no family. Please let me win the lottery just this once so that I can turn my life around. I beg you."
Suddenly, a flash of light comes from the sky, and the voice of God echoes down from the heavens. "Dave, meet me halfway, buy a fucking ticket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qulvn/in_honor_of_tonights_lotto_one_of_my_favorite/
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What's the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qukta/whats_the_best_part_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
What penis enlargement product would Bill Gates and Elon Musk make?

Elongate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qugv6/what_penis_enlargement_product_would_bill_gates/
%
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?

Plaid tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qug5n/what_does_a_moth_eat_when_it_wants_asian_food/
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After Stalin died his comrades found two sealed envelopes on his table.

One had "Open in bad situation" written on it, the other had "Open in critical situation".
So when times got worse, new USSR leader decided to open the Bad envelope. Inside there was a piece of paper with a few words: "blame everything on me". And so the government blamed everything on Stalin's actions, won people's trust and made it through bad times.
But a few decades later things got even worse. Government had no idea what to do so they opened the Critical envelope. And there, again, they found a piece of paper with just a few words.
"Do as I did. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9quew4/after_stalin_died_his_comrades_found_two_sealed/
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Geology rocks...

...but Geography is where it's at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9quead/geology_rocks/
%
Why can't dyslexic people tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuck line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qubls/why_cant_dyslexic_people_tell_jokes/
%
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.

His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?"
"Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road."
"And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!"
"And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!"
"While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qu9fe/the_biggest_toughest_american_soldier_in_the/
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Damn girl are you a redditor?

Cause you just keep repeating the same shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qu71o/damn_girl_are_you_a_redditor/
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You ever just talk to yourself?

yeah, sometimes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qtzar/you_ever_just_talk_to_yourself/
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Oldie but goldie

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill:
"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".
The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians.
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill.
Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought...
Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There's two of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qtyrp/oldie_but_goldie/
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ProLifeTip for border crossings: when they ask “Any drugs or weapons?”

The correct response is not “Why, what do you need?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qtw10/prolifetip_for_border_crossings_when_they_ask_any/
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What's the difference between a 17-year-old and an 18-year-old?

Three to five years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qtusp/whats_the_difference_between_a_17yearold_and_an/
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Two chemist go to a bar

They sit at the counter and one chemist orders for his buddy.
“I’ll have a glass of H20, and he’ll have a glass of H20 too.”
The bartender is noticeably confused and looks to the gentlemen at the end of the bar.
The linguist replies. “Water you looking at me for?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qtsdp/two_chemist_go_to_a_bar/
%
Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.

That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qtp65/apparently_the_repairs_to_big_ben_are_going_to/
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Every Halloween my dad dresses up as a superhero.

He is the invisible man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qtmoa/every_halloween_my_dad_dresses_up_as_a_superhero/
%
I just sprayed some orange scented air freshener in the bathroom.

Now it smells like shitrus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qtjsb/i_just_sprayed_some_orange_scented_air_freshener/
%
Two Mexicans had a sword fight. The winner raised his sword and said

"There can only be Juan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qtjeo/two_mexicans_had_a_sword_fight_the_winner_raised/
%
Not enjoying your corn at KFC?

Blame the kernel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qtfp1/not_enjoying_your_corn_at_kfc/
%
What did the male Caterpillar say to the female Caterpillar?

Nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qte86/what_did_the_male_caterpillar_say_to_the_female/
%
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

Because they can’t take the pills on an empty stomach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qta55/why_are_there_no_pharmacies_in_africa/
%
What do people from Alabama do to celebrate Halloween?

Pumpkin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qt9u1/what_do_people_from_alabama_do_to_celebrate/
%
When does a blind man know that his parachute didn't open?

When the leash to his seeing eye dog goes slack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qt7k4/when_does_a_blind_man_know_that_his_parachute/
%
Bill Gates dies and goes to see St Peter

St Peter reviews his life and says to him: "Welcome Mr Gates; you've lived an extraordinary life so we would actually like to offer you the choice between Heaven and Hell"
Bill replies: "What are my options?"
St Peter takes him to two computers. The first is Hell. It's a deserted sandy beach with slow-rolling waves.
The second computer is Heaven. There are angels singing and playing harps, people are dancing and praising God
Gates thinks about it and say: "Even though Hell looks really boring with no people; I think I'd enjoy the piece and quiet"
St Peter grants his wish. Two weeks later he goes to check on Bill.
He finds Bill boiling in a lake of fire screaming in agony.
Bill yells: "Where are the beaches and the ocean?"
St Peter looks confused for a second then replies: "Oh you mean the screensaver?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qt78c/bill_gates_dies_and_goes_to_see_st_peter/
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qt5l7/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
Did you hear about the guy that showed up late to the cannibal dinner party?

He was given the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qsztb/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_showed_up_late_to/
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Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don't waste water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qsqgg/always_remember_that_children_can_drown_in_as/
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Two Jewish boys were in a concentration camp together...

During their time there they became like brothers and when the war ended, they decided that they should live together as such. Many years go by until one of them wins the lottery.
"I can't believe you won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"
"First, I'll buy us a mansion! One with a long front driveway."
"Oh man, that sounds fantastic! What else?"
"Next, I'll fill the driveway with expensive cars! Any car we want will be ours!"
"This is so amazing, what else?"
"I'll have a little circular garden put in at the end of the driveway, just outside the front door, and we'll fill it with beautiful flowers!"
"That sounds wonderful! Is there anything else that you want?"
"Yeah, in the center of the garden we'll have a giant statue of hitler!"
"EXCUSE ME?! WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! HOW ON EARTH COULD YOU EVEN POSSIBLY BEGIN TO CONSIDER PUTTING A STATUE OF THAT VILE EVIL MAN IN OUR YARD?!"
*The first man pulls up his sleeve*
"Well, where do you think I got the numbers?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qsost/two_jewish_boys_were_in_a_concentration_camp/
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What’s the difference between fetish and felony?

Permission

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qsmb7/whats_the_difference_between_fetish_and_felony/
%
Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.

I think she is a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qslyd/not_only_does_my_new_girlfriend_like_to_watch/
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It wasn't my choice to poop my pants

Shit just happens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qskbo/it_wasnt_my_choice_to_poop_my_pants/
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TIL when baking for the holidays...

Don’t google creampies. Instead google cream pie recipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qsjkh/til_when_baking_for_the_holidays/
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A joke from my Chem professor today

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qsj7t/a_joke_from_my_chem_professor_today/
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What do you call an alligator with GPS?

A navigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qsfvl/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_with_gps/
%
Everyday someone mysteriously adds more dirt on top of my garden

The plot thickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qsf1j/everyday_someone_mysteriously_adds_more_dirt_on/
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Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qscyc/most_people_are_shocked_when_they_find_out/
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"Hey son, come over here!"

"You're getting it all over your bedsheets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qscuy/hey_son_come_over_here/
%
A British man walks into a French bar...

He sits down, exasperated and says "Scotch".
The barman looks baffled for a second but nonetheless complies with the request.
The man then, equally as baffled, asks "Why did you give me sellotape?"
(This one is for my French Redditors).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qsbyr/a_british_man_walks_into_a_french_bar/
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Magic Beer

An oldie. Potential repost. Because everything is reposti.
A woman sees a a very handsome man sitting at the bar in an upscale rooftop pub. She convinces herself she needs to talk to this guy, and sits down beside him.
'What are you drinking?" The woman asks.
"This is magic beer" the man replies with a straight face.
The woman looks at him like he is a psychopath, but is oddly curios - "What's a magic beer?"
The man slams back the remainder of his pint, walks over to the ledge of the building, jumps off and proceeds to fly around the entire building three times and then returns to his seat. The woman is completely baffled and she asks him to do it again and the man complies and does it a second and then a third time at her requests.
"I WANNA TRY! Get me a magic beer!" she cries at the bartender.
The man looks at the bartender and tells him to "bring her what I'm having".
She woman slams down the pint, walks over the the ledge of the building, jumps off, and falls 35 stories to her death.
The bartender looks at the man and says:
"You're a fucking asshole, Superman"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qsbob/magic_beer/
%
What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?

A desserter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qs8z2/what_do_you_call_someone_who_cant_stick_with_a/
%
What did the imposter clown say when he was arrested inside the House of Lords?

“The real joker’s in the Commons.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qs8il/what_did_the_imposter_clown_say_when_he_was/
%
Sex Ed

Teacher: It's time for Sex Ed
Teacher: Ok, come here Ed
.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qs6mm/sex_ed/
%
To the driver who caused the crash that left me paralyzed.

I simply cannot look the other way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qs649/to_the_driver_who_caused_the_crash_that_left_me/
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What do you get when you cross human and goat DNA?

Escorted from the petting zoo in handcuffs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qrzmd/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_human_and_goat_dna/
%
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qrvpm/i_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza/
%
What is the only marsupial indigenous to Ireland?

the O'Possum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qrvp6/what_is_the_only_marsupial_indigenous_to_ireland/
%
A lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in a swimming pool...

He yelled so hard I nearly fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qruy0/a_lifeguard_yelled_at_me_for_peeing_in_a_swimming/
%
Conference calls are like emails

So just send a FUCKING EMAIL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qrpxh/conference_calls_are_like_emails/
%
What is the similarity between a coroner and an alcoholic?

They both start the day with a cold one from the case...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qrocd/what_is_the_similarity_between_a_coroner_and_an/
%
Joe and the Train

Joe has been driving trains for years now and he was certainly not he best. He would leave late, overshoot stops and close the door on people frequently. This all came to head when one day, not paying attention, he drives into a herd of cows.
Police show up and Joe is questioned, but is overly belligerent. thinking he might be intoxicated, the police try to arrest him, but Joe doesn't make it easy.  One officer who had enough pulls out a taser and lets him have it. Strangely, this only makes Joe angry, and he starts pushing the officers off him with greater force.  The first officer keeps up with the taser, and a second one joins in, then a third, but no matter what Joe won't go down. Eventually, after the fifth taser, Joe has a heart attack and dies.
Later that day, the police are being interviewed by the coroner to figure out what happened.
"You see," says the first officer says, "We didn't want to kill him, but he kept resisting arrest!"
"Of course he resisted," replied the coroner. "That's what happens when you run a current through a bad conductor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qrhev/joe_and_the_train/
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Two Antenna’s Fall in Love

There were two antenna’s on a skyscraper gathering radio signals. They meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.  The wedding wasn’t much to talk about, but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qrghm/two_antennas_fall_in_love/
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If I had a dollar for every gender

I’d have a lot of valid currency that everyone refuses to accept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qrdyb/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
If people didn’t have nipples,

there would be no point in breasts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qr7zm/if_people_didnt_have_nipples/
%
My doctor wasn't really able to stay on subject

it's probably because he has a DhD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qr5qz/my_doctor_wasnt_really_able_to_stay_on_subject/
%
What’s blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qqywc/whats_blue_and_not_very_heavy/
%
If you're here for the yodeling lesson...

please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qqyfp/if_youre_here_for_the_yodeling_lesson/
%
My friends and co workers treat me like a god

They only talk to me when they need something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qqw94/my_friends_and_co_workers_treat_me_like_a_god/
%
A seal walks into a bar...

The bartender asks the seal what he would like to drink. The seal replies, “Anything but Canadian club.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qqrsd/a_seal_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What happened to the Spanish pirate that said yes too much?

He got sí-sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qqquq/what_happened_to_the_spanish_pirate_that_said_yes/
%
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today...

I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qqm5z/the_wife_asked_if_she_could_wear_one_of_my_wife/
%
Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qqlr9/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_clickbait/
%
A man, his wife, and their three young children arrive at a motel.

The man goes to the front desk and says, "I sure hope the porn is disabled."
The clerk looks at him funny. "It's regular porn, you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qqfvz/a_man_his_wife_and_their_three_young_children/
%
A dying billionaire found a young man to inherit his fortunes.

"I have two plans for you to inherit my money, think carefully after I finish: you can take 1 million a day, until the 100th day, or I can give you 1 cent on the first day, then two cents, then..."
"I'll take the second option" The young man interrupted him.
100 days later, the young man got 50 dollars and 50 cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qqf9f/a_dying_billionaire_found_a_young_man_to_inherit/
%
What do you call a drunk Muslim?

Muhammered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qqdy6/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_muslim/
%
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey

but I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qqd5q/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
%
Dave is walking down the road with a woman on his back

Dave's friend approaches and asks where he is going. Dave replies "I'm going to a fancy dress party".
Dave's friend then asks what he is dressing up as and dave replies, "A tortoise"
Dave's friend then asks who the girl on Dave's back is and Dave replies, "Oh that's Michelle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qqb6o/dave_is_walking_down_the_road_with_a_woman_on_his/
%
What type of doctor never stops working?

An oncologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qq9cy/what_type_of_doctor_never_stops_working/
%
Why do miners make good accomplices?

They don't snitch. They're good at mining their own business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qq5th/why_do_miners_make_good_accomplices/
%
Where in Wales is the best place to get all in one Pyjamas?

Swansea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qq45f/where_in_wales_is_the_best_place_to_get_all_in/
%
How did the stoner die?

Blunt trauma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qq0am/how_did_the_stoner_die/
%
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because your supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qptfi/6_was_scared_of_7_because_7_8_9_but_why_did_7_eat/
%
What is the coldest state in the US?

Oklahoma, its abvreviation is Ok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qpr0t/what_is_the_coldest_state_in_the_us/
%
I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty fucking high!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qpp0d/i_just_took_an_online_iq_test/
%
Why do Bankers make for great lovers

Because they know the penalty for early withdrawals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qpnog/why_do_bankers_make_for_great_lovers/
%
We dont need to sell arms to the Saudis anymore.

They already have plenty in the consul's garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qpn49/we_dont_need_to_sell_arms_to_the_saudis_anymore/
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I have a confession to make. I'm attracted to children.

Gravitationally speaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qpgwf/i_have_a_confession_to_make_im_attracted_to/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qpfmy/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip

After a good meal and a can of soda, they laid down in their tent for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qpfec/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_went_on_a_camping/
%
The married couple is getting ready for going to the theater.

The wife is standing in front of a mirror and saying:
"So I am fat here and here.."
"This flab here is a total disaster.."
Then she turned to her husband and said "Could you say something nice about me?"
Well, despite your age, your eyesight is really good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qpf87/the_married_couple_is_getting_ready_for_going_to/
%
A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.”
The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”
Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then says “Okay, okay. We were watching porn.”
Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.”
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qpdv4/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_that_slaps_people/
%
A woman takes her hot 18-year-old daughter to a doctor

.
As they enter she says to the doctor: "Hi, we're here about what I suspect to be a simple case of the flu, but I thought it'd be best to get a professional opinion"
The doctor says "no problem", goes up to the daughter and asks her to get fully undressed.
The mother says: "Doctor, I'm sorry. You have it wrong – I'm the one not feeling well. My daughter is only here because after this appointment, I'm dropping her at her friend's house".
The doctor says: "Oh, I'm sorry. Please open your mouth, so I can take a look".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qpd97/a_woman_takes_her_hot_18yearold_daughter_to_a/
%
Did you hear about the constipated math teacher?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qp8yd/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_math_teacher/
%
What do you call a magical pasta that grants you three wishes?

Fettu-genie alfredo :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qp2w6/what_do_you_call_a_magical_pasta_that_grants_you/
%
American tells to his Russian colleague:

"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"
The Russian:
"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"
The American:
"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".
The Russian:
"And I exaggerated too - when we piss, we don't take off our pants".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qp0c9/american_tells_to_his_russian_colleague/
%
After a date a man convinces a women to go back to his place...

While they're driving back to his place she says:
- You know, I judge a man by how he unlocks the door of his home. If he does it roughly, I'm afraid of him, if he drops the keys, that means he is insecure. How do you do it?
- First, I lick the lock...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qoxij/after_a_date_a_man_convinces_a_women_to_go_back/
%
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qou0d/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
%
Johnny and Sarah are in Sunday School ...

Johnny and Sarah are sitting in Sunday school class when Sarah begins to fall asleep. The teacher notices this and decides to embarrass Sarah by asking her a question. The teacher asks, "Sarah, who created the heavens and the earth?" Johnny decides to help Sarah out and wake her up, so he covertly takes a pin and pricks her with it. Sarah immediately wakes up from the pain and yells "GOD ALMIGHTY!" The teacher is surprised that Sarah answered correctly, but she moves in.
A while later, the teacher sees that Sarah is nodding off again, so she asks, "Sarah, who is the Son of God?" Again, Johnny pricks her with the pin, and Sarah wakes up and yells "JESUS CHRIST!" Once again, the teacher is surprised, but she moves on.
Later on, the teacher notices Sarah dozing off once again and decides to ask her a much tougher question. She asks, "Sarah, what did Leah say to Jacob after she had their sixth son?" Johnny pokes Sarah with the pin, and she wakes and screams in pain, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qot4u/johnny_and_sarah_are_in_sunday_school/
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What's the difference between Wayne Gretsky and a bartender?

A bartender makes 100% of the shots he doesn't take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qord6/whats_the_difference_between_wayne_gretsky_and_a/
%
Kids these days got Beats by Dre.

Back in the day, I got Beat by my Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qopn1/kids_these_days_got_beats_by_dre/
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I know it's bad...

Last night's baseball game was epic.  The two teams had rosters full of the most popular players in the league.  It also marked the comeback of popular SS Jed Marksby from a severe ocular injury.  The game ended on a check swing that was appealed to the 3rd base ump.  He called it a strike and the home plate ump concurred with the call.
The headline in today's newspaper read: "Stars War, Jeturn of Jed's Eye, Umpire Backs Strike."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qonk6/i_know_its_bad/
%
Did you know that starfish die after they have sex?

At least the ones I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qomxd/did_you_know_that_starfish_die_after_they_have_sex/
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My daughter walked out of her circus class with a unicycle over her shoulder - the instructor wants her to learn it.

I told her that's good because she won't get two tired.
(True story.  My daughter does take circus class at the local gymnastics place, and she did walk out with a unicycle given by her instructor.  I was obligated to respond with the proper level of dad-jokery.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qomie/my_daughter_walked_out_of_her_circus_class_with_a/
%
Why do Jamaican pilots make really good spies?

"Cos they're always in de' skies mon".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qoiqd/why_do_jamaican_pilots_make_really_good_spies/
%
Mixed up two shipments at work but nobody realised

I actually was pretty lucky that both were closed caskets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qogg6/mixed_up_two_shipments_at_work_but_nobody_realised/
%
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

Nobody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qoevo/who_won_the_skeleton_beauty_contest/
%
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity,

he got it back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qodox/when_chuck_norriss_daughter_lost_her_virginity/
%
I heard the best time travel joke tomorrow.﻿

It was ahead of its time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qobyl/i_heard_the_best_time_travel_joke_tomorrow/
%
I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.

I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qobui/im_like_a_god_to_my_current_girlfriend/
%
Who is the strongest Defender from Netflix?

Iron Fist. He was able to take down all the others by himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qo96b/who_is_the_strongest_defender_from_netflix/
%
What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qo891/what_does_necrophilia_and_alcoholism_have_in/
%
If there's one thing I've learned from fighting against groups of clowns...

...It's to always go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qo7o7/if_theres_one_thing_ive_learned_from_fighting/
%
What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?

When you're driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qo41j/whats_the_difference_between_eating_pussy_and/
%
A man stands up in a bar and announces "All lawyers are assholes!"

Another guy stands up and shouts "I resent that!"
"Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an asshole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qo2ra/a_man_stands_up_in_a_bar_and_announces_all/
%
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony?

It’s not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qo1zw/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nudist_colony/
%
What do you call a lesbian that drives a dildo delivery truck?

A Dick Van Dyke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qo1p1/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_that_drives_a_dildo/
%
What do you call an underwater taxi

Scuber diver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qnwzw/what_do_you_call_an_underwater_taxi/
%
A man dies and goes to hell

He meets Satan and is told he has the choice of three rooms to spend the rest of eternity in. They enter the first room where hundreds of people are standing on their heads on top of concrete flooring. The man asks to see the next room as he can't imagine having to withstand all that pain for all of eternity. The next room is also filled with people standing on their heads but this time on marble flooring. Knowing that this would be even more painful the man asked to see the final room. As he approaches the door to the third room he smells something terrible. When Satan opens the door the man sees hundreds of people neck deep in horse shit. Despite this the men and women are all sipping tea and eating biscuits. Convincing himself he would eventually get used to the smell the man chose the third room. Satan bid him farewell as the man settled in to the manure and grabbed a tea cup. Suddenly a loudspeaker on the wall turns on and Satan yells through it,
"alright, tea times over, back on your heads"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qnwoa/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
My wife left me because of my pasta touching fetish

I’m feeling cannelloni right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qnunx/my_wife_left_me_because_of_my_pasta_touching/
%
Why do you spell 'bandana' with a D?

Because to do so without it is 'bananas'
I found this joke on a handwritten note is tesco.
So thank you kind joker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qnpkx/why_do_you_spell_bandana_with_a_d/
%
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are walking in the desert...

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are walking in the desert after a plane crash. To lighten the mood the brunette suggests a game of 'make a wish'. The redhead goes first and wishes for a never ending glass of water so that they'll never get thirsty on their journey. The brunette goes next and says she'd wish for a never ending bowl of salad so they'd all have something to eat. The blonde, impressed by the other two wishes, had to take some time to think of her wish before she told the others that she'd wish for a car door.
'Why a car door?', asked the brunette.
'Well,' the blonde answered, 'so when we get hot, we can put the window down and cool off.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qnok8/a_redhead_a_brunette_and_a_blonde_are_walking_in/
%
Tax inspector marries a woman who was already married 6 times. First wedding night...

"Dear, please be careful, I'm a virgin!"
- No way! There were six spouses now?
"I'll explain everything to you.
My first husband was a psychiatrist. He was just talking about sex. Theoretically. Never did it in practice.
My second husband was a gynaecologist. He was just looking at me.
My third husband was a philatelist. He was only licking me.
The fourth was a manager. He said he knows what is this, but not how it's done.
The fifth was a civil servant. He said he knows how to do it, but it was not his competence.
The sixth was a programmer. He said he would not interfere with something that works normally.
That's why I married you. You are a tax inspector. You know how to fuck people!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qno3r/tax_inspector_marries_a_woman_who_was_already/
%
What did the one continental plate say to the other after the earthquake?

Not MY fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qnmfb/what_did_the_one_continental_plate_say_to_the/
%
Nothing is certain but death, taxes and Sean Bean dying in a movie

...and I'm not completely sure about the first two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qnkom/nothing_is_certain_but_death_taxes_and_sean_bean/
%
Just so you’re all clear...

Let me put my glasses on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qnk6p/just_so_youre_all_clear/
%
I've just opened a casino for dogs. They can play roulette, poker and blackjack all under one roof! However...

...they have to go outside for craps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qnhic/ive_just_opened_a_casino_for_dogs_they_can_play/
%
What do you get when you spell man backwards?

Flashbacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qnhhd/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
%
Don't ask a busy scientist what was before the big bang.

They'll just say there's no time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qngpi/dont_ask_a_busy_scientist_what_was_before_the_big/
%
Do you guys like Civil War jokes?

Because General Lee I don't find them funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qngbu/do_you_guys_like_civil_war_jokes/
%
What do you call a blondie that dyed her hair Brown

Artificial intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qneyh/what_do_you_call_a_blondie_that_dyed_her_hair/
%
A young ventriloquist puts on a show in a small town

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman from the audience, stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The young ventriloquist visibly embarrassed begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this, Sir. I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qn9o2/a_young_ventriloquist_puts_on_a_show_in_a_small/
%
Have you ever shoed a horse?

No, but I have told a donkey to fuck off once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qn1l0/have_you_ever_shoed_a_horse/
%
Apparently the world's fastest vinyl turntable has been built.

It's a record breaker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qn003/apparently_the_worlds_fastest_vinyl_turntable_has/
%
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but there's no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qmze9/have_you_heard_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
If gay means happy...

That means I'm extremely straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qmz1w/if_gay_means_happy/
%
Three Saudis and three Turks are travelling by train...

Three Saudis and three Turks are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the Turks each buy one ticket and watch as the Saudis buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Turks. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Saudis. They all board the train. The Turks take their respective seats but all three Saudis cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Turks saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Turks decide to copy the Saudis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Saudis don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks the Turk. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Saudi.
When they board the train the 3 Turks cram into a restroom and the 3 Saudis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Saudis leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Turks are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Then the Saudis chopped up the Turks and wore their suits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qmyzy/three_saudis_and_three_turks_are_travelling_by/
%
At recess, all the children are playing outside.

Little Mohammed goes to the swings and asks Little Jack if he can play on the swings too.
"No, go away," replied Little Jack. "You're different and weird."
A bit shaken, Little Mohammed goes to ask Little Suzie if he can play with her on the monkey bars.
"No thanks, I'd rather not," replied Little Suzie. "You're different, and that's weird."
So Little Mohammed goes to sit alone and watch the other children play.
Once recess has ended and all of the children go back to class, the teacher announces a surprise quiz:
"Children, today we are having a surprise spelling  quiz. One by one, I will go around the room and ask what you did during recess. I'll then choose something from your activities to for you to spell. If you spell it correctly, I'll reward you with a cookie."
The teacher asks around the room, one by one and finally gets to the final three students.
"What did you do for recess Jack?"
"I played on the swings!" He replies.
"That sounds like fun, if you can spell 'swings', I'll give you a cookie!"
"S-W-I-N-G-S" He announces.
"Very good," says the teacher, handing over Little Jack's prize.
"And what did you do, Suzie?"
"I played on the monkey bars!" She replies.
"That sounds like great exercise, if you can spell 'monkey', I'll give you a cookie!"
"M-O-N-K-E-Y" She announces.
"Very good," says the teacher, handing over Little Suzie's prize.
"And what did you do Mohammed?" asks the teacher.
"I sat by myself, and watched the other children play..." He says sadly.
"And why is that, Mohammed?"
"Because I asked Jack and Suzie if I could play with them and they both said no, because I'm different..."
"Well then," Says the teacher. "That's just blatant-racial-discrimination."
Little Mohammed nods.
"If you can spell 'blatant-racial-discrimination' I'll give you a cookie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qmy7a/at_recess_all_the_children_are_playing_outside/
%
We had a boy named Harris Glasscock in school.

You could always see when he was coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qmwe3/we_had_a_boy_named_harris_glasscock_in_school/
%
I married a beautiful woman — a smart one, too.

Hopefully they’ll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qmtof/i_married_a_beautiful_woman_a_smart_one_too/
%
A Muslim dies and goes to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter puts a red plastic bracelet on him before he is allowed to enter.
"Is everyone wearing such a bracelet a Muslim?" the Muslim asks.
"No," replies St. Peter, "it only means you don't get alcohol served at the bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qmrzo/a_muslim_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
Did you ever hear about the depressed scottish man?

He kilt himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qmdbu/did_you_ever_hear_about_the_depressed_scottish_man/
%
what do you call a vegetable necklace?

an artichoker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qmcyn/what_do_you_call_a_vegetable_necklace/
%
Why do French people eat snails?

They probably don't like fastfood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qm7fo/why_do_french_people_eat_snails/
%
2 deer walk out of a gay bar

One says to the other "Man, I can't believe I blew 40 bucks in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qm4bp/2_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qlzb4/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
You’ve been cordially invited to the exclusive, super secret, society of masturbators...

Please come alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qlz25/youve_been_cordially_invited_to_the_exclusive/
%
I tried to give my girlfriend an eskimo kiss

But she wasn't Inuit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qlykx/i_tried_to_give_my_girlfriend_an_eskimo_kiss/
%
Why the png can't get a decent job?

Because he fails the background check.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qlxsj/why_the_png_cant_get_a_decent_job/
%
We’ve all heard of Boyle’s Law and Charles’s Law, but have you ever heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qlxke/weve_all_heard_of_boyles_law_and_charless_law_but/
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A joke my second grade teacher used to tell

Every Friday after school, a young boy named Timmy would go to the corner store for an after-school treat.
There would always be a group of rowdy older boys loitering outside the store. Every time Timmy came by they'd pull him aside. The leader would reveal a dollar in his left hand and a quarter in his right, and tell Timmy to take one. Timmy would always take the quarter, leading the boys to laugh and make fun of him.
The store owner, after watching this happen for week after week, finally took Timmy aside one day and explained to him that a dollar was worth more than a quarter, which is why the boys were laughing at him.
Timmy replied, "I know. But if I took the dollar, they'd stop. So far I've made fifty bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qlwzt/a_joke_my_second_grade_teacher_used_to_tell/
%
What's a priest's favorite type of video game?

Early-access

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qlwxj/whats_a_priests_favorite_type_of_video_game/
%
Bullets are the best employee

It gets fired but still does its job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qlwmz/bullets_are_the_best_employee/
%
Three Nazis walk into a bar

.
Their commanding officer walks up to the bartender and says,
"Congratulations, you are now a member of the German Army. Your first order is to kill everyone in this room who is not Aryan".
The bartender complies. He takes a machine gun out from under the bar stand and kills everyone in the room. The Nazis, the customers, even a stray dog just outside the bar. Everyone in the room is killed.
Then, a man walks out of the bathroom and sees the carnage. He turns to the bartender and says, "Brian, what did you do?? Why did you kill all these people?!?"
The bartender casually responds, "Oh, Aryan. We were just talking about you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qlqf6/three_nazis_walk_into_a_bar/
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Posibly racist (im latino)

So 3 undocumented mexicans are sitting on the curve of the street just talking about life, etc and all of a sudden they hear sirens and spot an I.C.E van approaching them,  knowing they can't run they stay there waiting to see what happens.
The van pulls up on the opposite side of the street and sure enough an I.C.E agent comes out.
He approaches the 3 men and begins questioning them.
Agent: are you all American citizens?
The 3 men reply in unison: yes!
Agent:  are you in this country legally?
Again the 3 men reply:  yes!
Agent:  ok thats good,  now,  what are your names?
To which the 3 men reply:  YES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qlors/posibly_racist_im_latino/
%
Why is the banana such a popular fruit?

Because it has a peel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qlnx8/why_is_the_banana_such_a_popular_fruit/
%
I'm a social vegan

I avoid meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qlkn6/im_a_social_vegan/
%
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....

He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qljqf/an_old_holocaust_survivor_dies_and_goes_up_to/
%
As a male, if a girl gets undressed in front of you, she is either interested in you or you're level 100 friendzoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qlh3r/as_a_male_if_a_girl_gets_undressed_in_front_of/
%
What state produces the most mumble rappers?

Virgin-yuh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ql9pg/what_state_produces_the_most_mumble_rappers/
%
What types of bees make milk?

Boobees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ql8yl/what_types_of_bees_make_milk/
%
Ted Cruz releases three new campaign promises:

Ted Cruz may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
Ted Cruz must obey orders given him by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Promise.
Ted Cruz must protect his own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Promise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ql8ou/ted_cruz_releases_three_new_campaign_promises/
%
What’s the difference a golfer and a skydiver?

One goes *smack* and says, “Damn.”
The other says, “Damn” and goes *smack*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ql7tc/whats_the_difference_a_golfer_and_a_skydiver/
%
I just assume people who say “the best things in life are free”

Are really just kleptomaniacs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ql6oa/i_just_assume_people_who_say_the_best_things_in/
%
The crown prince of Saudi Arabia is talking with his counselors.

One of them asks, "What are your current plans?" The prince says, "I'm going to starve to death a few hundred thousand people in Yemen and dismember one journalist." The counselor asks, "Why the journalist?" "See, no one cares about the people in Yemen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ql5ix/the_crown_prince_of_saudi_arabia_is_talking_with/
%
I took the shell of my pet snail to see if it would move faster

If anything it’s a little more sluggish...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ql37u/i_took_the_shell_of_my_pet_snail_to_see_if_it/
%
I hate Russian nesting dolls...

...they’re so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ql34e/i_hate_russian_nesting_dolls/
%
Two cannibals are eating a relative. One says to the other:

"Does this taste familiar to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ql108/two_cannibals_are_eating_a_relative_one_says_to/
%
A wise old friend told me, "You should never have sex with someone you wouldn't want to be"

So I guess I should probably stop masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkzd7/a_wise_old_friend_told_me_you_should_never_have/
%
What does a cannibal call someone in a really good mood?

A happy meal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qky9g/what_does_a_cannibal_call_someone_in_a_really/
%
My horses name is mayo

Mayo neighs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkx9a/my_horses_name_is_mayo/
%
A cell had his foot stepped on by his sister and he screamed....

MITOSIS!!!!
*edited for wording

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkx2k/a_cell_had_his_foot_stepped_on_by_his_sister_and/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkw1n/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Yes, judge I do have something to say

If you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkvak/yes_judge_i_do_have_something_to_say/
%
Welcome to the 23rd annual Leper Colony marathon! We now go down to our racers at the start of the first leg.

Aaaaaand they're off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkufv/welcome_to_the_23rd_annual_leper_colony_marathon/
%
I was watching porn on the computer, when my grandpa suddenly walked in.

Weird way to finally find out what he did for a living.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qksgt/i_was_watching_porn_on_the_computer_when_my/
%
The man who invented autocorrect has died.

May he roast in piss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkqdv/the_man_who_invented_autocorrect_has_died/
%
I learned my neighbor is an annoying Reddit user

After a storm blew down my fence and I had to repair it, he stormed over complaining about reposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkq04/i_learned_my_neighbor_is_an_annoying_reddit_user/
%
Headache . . .

The husband arrives home.
"Darling, I brought you an aspirin"
And the wife says:"But I haven't got a headache"
The husband says:"Then let's fuck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkpvg/headache/
%
Which president was least guilty?

Abraham Lincoln. He was in a cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkp1v/which_president_was_least_guilty/
%
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands...

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qknjl/a_lawyer_married_a_woman_who_had_previously/
%
A man who was to be investigated by the IRS

He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man asked a friend, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked what he should do.
"Let me tell you a story," replied his friend.
"A  woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her  wedding night and was told "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that  goes right up to your neck."
When she asked her best friend, she was told "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel’."
The man said "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS ?"
His friend replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qklpz/a_man_who_was_to_be_investigated_by_the_irs/
%
A new high-tech, fully automated supermarket opened recently in town.

It  has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it  goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh  rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When  you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air  is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkl8j/a_new_hightech_fully_automated_supermarket_opened/
%
Most common over the counter medicine for Baristas

Throat lozenges, because they get coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkl7n/most_common_over_the_counter_medicine_for_baristas/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You can hang the picture with only one nail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkl0s/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only 2 but it's a bit cramped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkhki/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad we had to take the bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkhi4/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
My grandfather was terminally ill...

The doctors said there was nothing they could do for him so we took him to see a naturopath who told us to cover his back in grease.
But after that he just went downhill very quickly.
.
.
.
Blatantly stolen from the great Milton Jones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkfbp/my_grandfather_was_terminally_ill/
%
Redditors probably will never have anal sex.

When they do get anal, it's about a post on r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qkcjw/redditors_probably_will_never_have_anal_sex/
%
What does a Soviet skateboarder say?

"That's comradical bro!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qk89d/what_does_a_soviet_skateboarder_say/
%
What do you call a Mexican who just lost his car

Carlos Garcia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qk81y/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_just_lost_his_car/
%
I knew a guy who made clothes faster than anyone.

We called him tailor swift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qk4bu/i_knew_a_guy_who_made_clothes_faster_than_anyone/
%
What did the one pilot say to the new pilot

Welcome to flight club

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qk4av/what_did_the_one_pilot_say_to_the_new_pilot/
%
I have a pet whale

His name is Charles, he is the Prince of Whales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qk3lq/i_have_a_pet_whale/
%
My wife said that she’s leaving me because of my obsession with breakfast cereals.

I said, “Ok. Cheerios then.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qk38j/my_wife_said_that_shes_leaving_me_because_of_my/
%
A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qk23j/a_woman_checking_out_at_the_register_of_the/
%
My parents keep complaining that I'm unemployed. I don't know why all the stress, I already made my resume.

Companies are welcome to come and take it. I'm home 24/7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qk1ui/my_parents_keep_complaining_that_im_unemployed_i/
%
English is a difficult language.

"Had had" had had a shocking reaction from the public. They were even more shocked that that "that that " phrase was created.
English can be understood with tough thorough thought, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qk19n/english_is_a_difficult_language/
%
Yo mama so fat...

her farts cause global warming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qjyc7/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history

They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qjwsj/whoever_wins_the_megamillions_jackpot_will_make/
%
Two mathematicians were in a fire safety course

The instructor asks the first one, "You're in a room with a bed, a sink, and a bucket. The bed is on fire. What do you do?"
First mathematician: Fill the bucket with water from the sink, and pour it on the bed.
Instructor: Good. Next question. You're in a room with a bed, a garbage can, a sink, and a bucket. The garbage can is on fire. What do you do?
Second mathematician: Pick up the garbage can and dump it onto the bed, reducing the problem to the one previously solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qjntd/two_mathematicians_were_in_a_fire_safety_course/
%
What do you call a Nazi Christmas song?

Jing Goebbels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qjisy/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_christmas_song/
%
Why do paid athletes weigh more than felons?

Because the pros outweigh the cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qjftv/why_do_paid_athletes_weigh_more_than_felons/
%
Just got banned from weight watchers club, after I dropped a bag of chocolate Maltesers on the floor.

It was the best god damn game of hungry hippos I have ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qjao3/just_got_banned_from_weight_watchers_club_after_i/
%
What's the difference between Iron Man and iron woman

One is a super hero the other is a simple instruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qj8lp/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
This world is so politically incorrect we can't even say 'black paint.'

We have to say "Tyrone, would you please paint that wall?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qj893/this_world_is_so_politically_incorrect_we_cant/
%
Your mama's so fat...

When your dad said he wanted to see other people, he meant it literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qj649/your_mamas_so_fat/
%
Did you hear about the guy that tried to grab a handful of fog?

He mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qj510/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_tried_to_grab_a/
%
My wife asked if I've been seeing other people behind her back.

I said, you're 400 pounds, I can't see anything behind your back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qj4zc/my_wife_asked_if_ive_been_seeing_other_people/
%
Christianity is a simple religion, God only asks 2 things from you...

Go to his house once a week and eat his son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qiuoz/christianity_is_a_simple_religion_god_only_asks_2/
%
Have you seen the clown that hides from homosexuals?

Yeah, me neither

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qisi6/have_you_seen_the_clown_that_hides_from/
%
When Hitler conquered Ukraine...

his soldiers sent back a message saying that the women were beautiful and enclosed a picture of them. Upon seeing this picture, Hitler declared that these women were honorary Aryans and demanded they bring back as many women as they could. When Hitler conquered Finland his soldiers sent back a message saying that the women were beautiful and enclosed a picture of them woman. Hitler looked at the picture, and demanded they bring back as much Finnish alcohol as they could carry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qirc1/when_hitler_conquered_ukraine/
%
What's the best way to overcome depression?

Love it, so it leaves you as well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qir9m/whats_the_best_way_to_overcome_depression/
%
Make your wife cry during sex...

...by calling her up and telling her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qioum/make_your_wife_cry_during_sex/
%
Damn girl are you the cookie clicker app?

Because you're fucking stupid and I don't understand why you exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qikqt/damn_girl_are_you_the_cookie_clicker_app/
%
What's the difference bewteen Jesus and a Painting of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the painting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qijd9/whats_the_difference_bewteen_jesus_and_a_painting/
%
My teacher always said looking out of windows would never get me anywhere in life.

Did I have a smug look on my face when I handed him his Big Mac from the drive thru window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qiho6/my_teacher_always_said_looking_out_of_windows/
%
What do you call it when a ghost pees on another ghost?

A ghoulden shower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qigto/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_ghost_pees_on_another/
%
A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven...

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."
Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Did Bush do 9/11?"
God replies, "Bush did not plan the attacks. 9/11 was perpetrated by Al-Qaeda and orchestrated by Osama Bin Laden. No bombs were planted in the Twin Towers, and no missiles hit the Pentagon. The U.S. government had no foreknowledge of the attacks whatsoever."
The conspiracy theorist thinks to himself, *this goes higher up than I thought...*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qigj2/a_conspiracy_theorist_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
I still miss my ex wife..

But my aim is getting better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qif2t/i_still_miss_my_ex_wife/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qibb8/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What does a Cleveland Cavaliers fan do when his team has won the NBA Finals?

He turns off the PlayStation 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qib5l/what_does_a_cleveland_cavaliers_fan_do_when_his/
%
You can say all you want about refrigerators

It's what's good on the inside that really counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qiarp/you_can_say_all_you_want_about_refrigerators/
%
8 pm I get a text from my girlfriend: me or football

11 pm I text her: you of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qia54/8_pm_i_get_a_text_from_my_girlfriend_me_or/
%
Bob was in trouble

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qi9m6/bob_was_in_trouble/
%
My dad was pretty pissed off when I brought a penguin home.

He told me “STUFF LIKE THIS THIS WILL NOT FLY IN MY HOUSE”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qi900/my_dad_was_pretty_pissed_off_when_i_brought_a/
%
How Do You Discipline A Ghost?

Corporeal punishment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qi8ln/how_do_you_discipline_a_ghost/
%
This sub is filthy! Only sex jokes as far as the eye can see!

And, just like sex, I don't get any of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qi7z7/this_sub_is_filthy_only_sex_jokes_as_far_as_the/
%
A panda walks into a restaurant

The panda sits down and orders bamboo. The waiter, completely confused tells the panda that they don’t serve bamboo. The panda gets very angry and demands that they serve him bamboo. The waiter, again, tells the panda that they don’t serve bamboo. The panda points to a decorative bamboo plant near the door and tells the waiter to serve him the plant. The manager, having heard all of this, tells the waiter to give the panda what he wants. After the panda is done eating, he pulls out two guns and fires them into the wall. The manager runs out from the back and asks the panda “Why the hell would you do that?” The panda looks up and says “I’m a panda, look it up.” Then he leaves without paying. Later, the manager googles pandas, he finds that a panda eats bamboo shoots and leaves.
(Eats bamboo, shoots, and leaves)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qi7uf/a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qi5yp/a_husband_takes_his_wife_to_play_her_first_game/
%
Because I'm poor, I can never afford to buy my own island

I just can't have atol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhz9d/because_im_poor_i_can_never_afford_to_buy_my_own/
%
"Goan...G-O-A-N…Goan."

A local radio station is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win $1000.
So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says,
The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"
"Sure it is," argues the caller.
"Well then use it in a sentence," says the DJ.
The caller replies "Goan f#ck yourself!"
The DJ quickly hangs up.
About 30 minutes and many calls later, no one has won the contest and the DJ answers yet another call.
When asked, the caller says, "Smee...S-M-E-E...Smee."
The DJ shakes his head and says, "I don't think that's real word. Can you please use that in a sentence caller?"
To which the caller responds, "It's Smee again......Goan fuck yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhyt5/goangoangoan/
%
Q: What is the scariest Halloween decoration theme for 2018?

A: Saudi Arabian consulate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhwua/q_what_is_the_scariest_halloween_decoration_theme/
%
If there is H2O inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside of it?

K9P.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhwi4/if_there_is_h2o_inside_of_a_fire_hydrant_whats_on/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, if you call it it won't come .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhvfk/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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My wife left me because I'm too insecure

Oh wait, she just came back.
She just went for a cup of coffee and divorce papers, said it was all of the reposts I've been putting up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhuff/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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Asian guy walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar and starts drinking a beer. The guy next to him asks: You know karate or kung fu or any of this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because i chinese? The other guy replies: No it's because you're drinking my fucking beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhrlu/asian_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom back in the day

So I decided to ask all 20 of my siblings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhnal/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
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Hillary Clinton would’ve been the first F president.

Sorry, I meant to type “Female” but someone deleted the “emale”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhlzg/hillary_clinton_wouldve_been_the_first_f_president/
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Today was the worst day ever

My ex-girlfriend got hit by a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhlun/today_was_the_worst_day_ever/
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I saw a man shovelling horse poo off the road, into a bag

So I stopped and asked him why.
He told me he was taking it home, to put on his rhubarb.
Fair enough, but I prefer custard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhln5/i_saw_a_man_shovelling_horse_poo_off_the_road/
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[NSFW] If you woke up in the forest, naked, with a sore ass and no memory of the night before, would you tell anyone?

No???
Wanna go camping?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhkm7/nsfw_if_you_woke_up_in_the_forest_naked_with_a/
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What do you call a man who fingers a woman married to someone else?

A phalangerer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhkbm/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_fingers_a_woman/
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How do you get a lesbian to like you?

Don't be a dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhk72/how_do_you_get_a_lesbian_to_like_you/
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How many Egyptians can you fit in a pyramid?

A pharaoh mount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhk3w/how_many_egyptians_can_you_fit_in_a_pyramid/
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Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

If so you could be eligible for a personal Ian Dury claim...
Probably only people in the UK will get this. And of them only those of a certain age. I make no apologies...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhjp3/have_you_been_hit_with_a_rhythm_stick/
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A Reporter, a lawyer and a billionaire. are all having a drink at a bar on top a skyscraper.

The reporter says, "Hey did you know that the wind up here is so powerful that it will blow you back onto the roof if you jump off?".
The lawyer looks at him and says "Bullshit, show me, if you believe that!"
The reporter gets up, jumps off the roof and whoomp right back on the roof.
The lawyer says "no way that was a fluke, do it again!".
So the reporter jumps off the roof, and floop, right back on the roof.
The lawyer says "I gotta try that!" and jumps off the roof, and falls to his death.
The billionaire turns to the reporter and says "Superman, you are a real asshole when you are drunk,".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhefq/a_reporter_a_lawyer_and_a_billionaire_are_all/
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The doctor gave me 6 months to live

So I shot him, the judge gave me 20 years! Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhcz3/the_doctor_gave_me_6_months_to_live/
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What turns on a redneck?

When she says daddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qhbkn/what_turns_on_a_redneck/
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Why are ghosts bad liars?

You can see right through them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qh9ok/why_are_ghosts_bad_liars/
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I don't think it's going well for the calendar

Its days are numbered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qh7p8/i_dont_think_its_going_well_for_the_calendar/
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I'm tired of being a Psychologist...

I don't like APA style et. al.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qh6ee/im_tired_of_being_a_psychologist/
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What do you call a couple of a Viagra thieves?

Hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qh4kx/what_do_you_call_a_couple_of_a_viagra_thieves/
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Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the drowning hippies?

They were too far out, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qh403/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_rescue_the_drowning/
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On a cold night in Soviet Russia...

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas eve.
They feel a slight percipitation.
"I think it's raining", says the man.
"No, its snowing", replies the woman.
"How about we ask the communist officer here? Hes always right!" Exclaims the man
"Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining" Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife and says "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qgwpy/on_a_cold_night_in_soviet_russia/
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I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants

...but he's still making fun of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qgvqi/i_tried_to_explain_to_my_4yearold_son_that_its/
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What do you call people that argue that sex is a sin?

Mass Debators

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qgu1a/what_do_you_call_people_that_argue_that_sex_is_a/
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What’s the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qgpez/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_eating_a_vegetable/
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How many Saudies does it take to change a light bulb?

15, and a chainsaw for some reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qglql/how_many_saudies_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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My girlfriend told me I need to stop acting like a flamingo..

That's when I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qgkrq/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_need_to_stop_acting_like/
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If a flat earther and antivax mom were both drowning...

what sandwich would you make?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qgi8h/if_a_flat_earther_and_antivax_mom_were_both/
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Did you hear about the really forgiving guy who was rendered impotent in an accident?

There were no hard feelings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qgh28/did_you_hear_about_the_really_forgiving_guy_who/
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Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.

Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qg9jh/dad_always_thought_laughter_was_the_best_medicine/
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Just saw a sign that made me piss myself.....

Toilets Closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qg7ev/just_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_piss_myself/
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Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Because your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qg64g/son_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
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Joke from a 1920’s scrapbook

A farmer years the tin roof off his barn and mails it to Ford. A week later the company writes:
“Your Model T is the worst wreck we’ve ever seen; it will take us two weeks to fix it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qg4v4/joke_from_a_1920s_scrapbook/
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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qfy5w/wife_does_this_dress_make_me_look_fat_me_you/
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What’s the difference between Jews and Boy Scouts?

Boy Scouts return home from camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qfvxf/whats_the_difference_between_jews_and_boy_scouts/
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I cut the prong off a fork and am wearing it on a necklace for luck.

As they say, third tine's the charm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qftog/i_cut_the_prong_off_a_fork_and_am_wearing_it_on_a/
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Do you know what drives me buggy?

Me horsey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qfmsh/do_you_know_what_drives_me_buggy/
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What’s the best method to find out how heavy your red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qfmlb/whats_the_best_method_to_find_out_how_heavy_your/
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My girlfriend wants me to give her an analysis on our sex life

Can someone tell me what a ysis is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qfho0/my_girlfriend_wants_me_to_give_her_an_analysis_on/
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Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye

But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qfh1k/serve_alcohol_at_a_party_and_nobody_bats_an_eye/
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Cracking open a cold one with the boys sounded like a lot of fun,

until we pulled up to the morgue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qfgk7/cracking_open_a_cold_one_with_the_boys_sounded/
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A good bar joke that always makes women laugh

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.
Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??
His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qfeoj/a_good_bar_joke_that_always_makes_women_laugh/
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Cause they’re really good at it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qfd79/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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A couple of sub-par jokes.

Chris returned home after a long day out on the course. Upon walking through the door, he was greeted by his wife, who asked about his game.
"Oh honey, it was awful," sighed Chris. "Glen- you know Glen; Trish's husband?- he had a heart attack and dropped dead on the second hole."
"My God," gasped his wife, "That's terrible! Oh you poor thing."
"Ay, you're telling me. It was awful. For the whole day it was 'hit the ball, drag Glen. Hit the ball, drag Glen.'"
A golfing couple were playing their routine course one afternoon. Feeling the peace and serenity of the day, the husband decided to confess his most regrettable action during their marriage.
"My dear, a few years back, I had an affair with my receptionist. I fired her shortly after. I'm telling you this because I felt guilty, and I know that you're the only one for me."
She remains silent for the remainder of the hole. The husband fear that his marriage is lost. Suddenly, she begins to speak.
"I too, have something to admit."
"Pray tell," says the husband, "I'm sure it is not as bad as my sins."
"Well," she says, "In the years before we knew each other, I was a man. I've gone through a sex change."
"WHAT?!" roars the husband. "AND YOU'VE BEEN HITTING FROM THE WOMEN'S TEE ALL THIS TIME?!"
Three men, an avid golf threesome, were considering adding a fourth to their weekly round. That day, a new woman overheard the guys talking about their golf game. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
One of the men said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m. They figured the early tee-time would discourage her.
The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late.
They rolled their eyes, but said okay.
She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.
The third week, the guys showed up with a new intensity to win. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. On this day, the women played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.."When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his Wee Duff was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
One of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qfc22/a_couple_of_subpar_jokes/
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What did the devil say when he looked in the mirror?

I'm hella cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qfc06/what_did_the_devil_say_when_he_looked_in_the/
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Just wanna take a minute to give a shout out to sidewalks

For keeping me off the streets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qf4eg/just_wanna_take_a_minute_to_give_a_shout_out_to/
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What does an Avenger use for a sex toy?

Vibranium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qf2y1/what_does_an_avenger_use_for_a_sex_toy/
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After my prostrate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

“Who was that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qf1q1/after_my_prostrate_exam_the_doctor_left_the_nurse/
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Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Jean-Claude Juncker all jump from a plane without a parachute, in what order do they hit the ground?

Doesn't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qetzo/donald_trump_vladimir_putin_xi_jinping_and/
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How do Mexicans cut their pizza?

Little Ceasar's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qeljf/how_do_mexicans_cut_their_pizza/
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My sister told me she just baked some synonym buns...

I replied  “you mean, just like the ones grammar used to make?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qejy4/my_sister_told_me_she_just_baked_some_synonym_buns/
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Apparently me wearing makeup, having long nails, ans dyed hair make me unattractive to guys on Reddit

Thank God

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qejgm/apparently_me_wearing_makeup_having_long_nails/
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smoking cigarettes helps the environment...

...because it kills humans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qeeav/smoking_cigarettes_helps_the_environment/
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Based on my Aunt's joke

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qe6rl/based_on_my_aunts_joke/
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That receptionist with the lisp and big booty wasn't at work today

She must have called in thicc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qe1hu/that_receptionist_with_the_lisp_and_big_booty/
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A limbo contestant walked into a bar.

So he was disqualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qe017/a_limbo_contestant_walked_into_a_bar/
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I’m a social vegan...

I avoid meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qdxsj/im_a_social_vegan/
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There is an upside to being an orphan...

Every bag of chips is family size.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qdxo8/there_is_an_upside_to_being_an_orphan/
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What happened when a tanker truck full of salsa overturned on an LA freeway?

CHiPs showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qduh2/what_happened_when_a_tanker_truck_full_of_salsa/
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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!
The official laughed and let the old man through.
The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home.
The official laughed and let him through.
When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: Who is that?
Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qdsx7/an_old_jewish_man_was_finally_allowed_to_leave/
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Two chemists walk into a Bar

chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O
chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also
chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: [under breath] so close....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qds4l/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
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I convinced my friend to not purchase a camouflage jacket.

It's something I couldn't see him wearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qdrzg/i_convinced_my_friend_to_not_purchase_a/
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An attractive woman explains to a young man:

"I can do anything, except sex with a total stranger".
"Madam, let me introduce myself".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qdkzx/an_attractive_woman_explains_to_a_young_man/
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Dave the geologist wasn't able to find a girlfriend for a while now

Once, he and his friends were walking down the street when they saw a fairly attractive girl.
His friend exclaimed "Dave! Will you date her?"
Dave said, "Yup, probably 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qdfbg/dave_the_geologist_wasnt_able_to_find_a/
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What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qdei4/what_do_you_get_when_you_divide_the_circumference/
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A couple decided to go skinny dipping in Paris during a cold winter night.

They were In Seine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qdcob/a_couple_decided_to_go_skinny_dipping_in_paris/
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What is the common point between an unvaccinated child and mocking anti-vaxxers ?

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qd94n/what_is_the_common_point_between_an_unvaccinated/
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In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken...

...they’ve been friends for a long time.
One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.
Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”
Horse explains “I’m eating a little food, a little hay…next thing you know I’m sinking in the mud.”
So what happens? Chicken runs over to the farmer's house and gets the farmers BMW. Now it’s an 850, all black, waxed to perfection, all leather interior – it’s fucking gorgeous. Hops in it, drives back over, ties a rope to the car and pulls his friend to safety.
The horse is grateful and says “anytime you need me, I’ll be there."
So what happens? About a week later, same thing only this time it’s the chicken sinking in a pit of mud.
Horse gallops over, sees his pal sinking in the mud, takes off to the farmer’s house but he can’t drive the BMW, runs back over, whips out his dick and the chicken climbs to safety.
Moral of the story – if you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qd5tx/in_a_farmhouse_this_horse_and_a_chicken/
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I had a conversation with someone online. It sort of went well

Me: I hate my fucking life!
Stranger: No you don’t, you hate it at the moment
Me: I’m 22, work in a fast food restaurant, and I’ll never get a better job. And if I tell my boss, he’ll cut my already shit pay because he’s a cheap bastard
Stranger: That’s illegal
Me: And my only friend is a mental retard
Stranger: That makes you a wonderful friend
Me: All we ever do is stupid shit together. And neither of us can drive, since he’s a mental retard and I can never pass my drivers test
Stranger: Drivers ed, it works!
Me: And do you know what the worst part is?
Stranger: You live in a pineapple under the sea?
Me: Goddamnit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qd56d/i_had_a_conversation_with_someone_online_it_sort/
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Had sex last night,

I had sex last night with 2 blonde hair, blue eyed 18 year old twins that I met in a bar.
I was telling my best friend about it this morning and he said "I don't understand the attraction, wouldn't it be like just having sex twice with the same person? Could you even tell them apart?"
I said "Sure Kim had a cute little beauty mark just under her chin, and her twin Tim has a dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qd4s1/had_sex_last_night/
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A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend.
When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qd2sh/a_doctor_and_a_lawyer/
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If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.

That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qcz9v/if_you_are_on_a_blind_date_try_opening_with_a/
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I miss my umbilical cord

I grew attached to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qcx9f/i_miss_my_umbilical_cord/
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I have been a vegan for my whole life, but after my friends kept urging me to eat scrambled eggs, i finally did.

Tbh it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qcuu5/i_have_been_a_vegan_for_my_whole_life_but_after/
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“We’re rotating on the earths axis at 750 mph and revolving around the Sun at 67,000 mph, moreover we’re moving, in relation to other galaxies, at 490,000 mph...”

“So my question is Your Honour, in the strictest meaning of the word ‘speeding’, are we not all in a sense ‘guilty’ ? “.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qcsd1/were_rotating_on_the_earths_axis_at_750_mph_and/
%
What happened to the 2 guys that stole a calendar?

They got 6 months each.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qcqn8/what_happened_to_the_2_guys_that_stole_a_calendar/
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The Saudi Society at my uni had a social....

It must have been fun as half my journalism class haven’t been back since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qcqeu/the_saudi_society_at_my_uni_had_a_social/
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A paratrooper was scared to jump..

His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, 'Buddha oh Buddha!', and you will be saved." The paratrooper jumped, and he got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha!" and a hand came out of the sky and saved him.
He then sighed and said, "Thank God!" and he was dropped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qcp8h/a_paratrooper_was_scared_to_jump/
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"I knew you had it in you" said the supporting officer...

As he finished the cavity search.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qcohn/i_knew_you_had_it_in_you_said_the_supporting/
%
Why did the poor man sell yeast?

To make some dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qcmwq/why_did_the_poor_man_sell_yeast/
%
What do the twin towers and gender have in common?

There used to be 2 of them and now it’s a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qclbp/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_gender_have_in_common/
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Anti-vaxxers are the biggest hypocrites. How?

They've been vaccinated. We know this because:
•They're over three years old
•They're retarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qcl3y/antivaxxers_are_the_biggest_hypocrites_how/
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What I do If I’m bored...

When I’m bored, I go to a forum for women and ask if I should change to Marlboro light the last two months of my pregnancy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qckb6/what_i_do_if_im_bored/
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I can sympathize with batteries.

I never get included in anything either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qci02/i_can_sympathize_with_batteries/
%
I went to a job interview today and I was told they were looking for someone responsible

I said "I'm the perfect guy for the job, when my parents split, they wouldn't let me forget I was responsible"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qcgb5/i_went_to_a_job_interview_today_and_i_was_told/
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The 'punch' line

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practising his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director, "You forgot the rose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qceax/the_punch_line/
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Did you know pigeons die after they have sex?

At least the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qcbvq/did_you_know_pigeons_die_after_they_have_sex/
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I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle...

But you sure wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qcbr4/i_made_my_wifes_dreams_come_true_and_we_were/
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The is a strip club opposite a indoor golf club personally this is disgusting what if you go for a nice family night out and look out the window

And see a bunch of losers playing indoor golf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qc8zv/the_is_a_strip_club_opposite_a_indoor_golf_club/
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Who calls the shots at the Halloween party?

The gHost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qc63v/who_calls_the_shots_at_the_halloween_party/
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If you are looking for a slutty halloween costume...

Dress up as a professor. They barely cover anything important

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qc10y/if_you_are_looking_for_a_slutty_halloween_costume/
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How do Germans say good morning to their bread?

Gluten tag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qbwba/how_do_germans_say_good_morning_to_their_bread/
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What do you call a galaxy that's allergic to milk?

Galactose intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qbtpm/what_do_you_call_a_galaxy_thats_allergic_to_milk/
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Why did Albert Einsten stick his tongue out in one of his iconic photos?

At the peak of his career he took matters lightly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qbr52/why_did_albert_einsten_stick_his_tongue_out_in/
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A hillbilly family takes a vacation to New York City

While there, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turns to his son and says, “Son, go get yer maw.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qbmky/a_hillbilly_family_takes_a_vacation_to_new_york/
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Does anyone know where I could hire a friend for a few hours?

It's not for me though, i'm looking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qblbj/does_anyone_know_where_i_could_hire_a_friend_for/
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I was in surgery the other day and the first thing he told me was he needed to feel my testicles.

Jesus, his hands were cold! You would have thought any successful dentist could afford decent heating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qbj9j/i_was_in_surgery_the_other_day_and_the_first/
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I asked my North Korean friend how things were going.

He said he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qbj6q/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_things_were/
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What was the spider's dream job?

A Web Developer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qbg83/what_was_the_spiders_dream_job/
%
An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the little voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the neighbours," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qbedh/an_employee_is_absent/
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The nudest colony. NSFW. Long.

A man retired after over 30 years working for the Postal Service.
He decided that he was going to fulfill his lifelong desire to join a nudist colony.
After some research he found a nude beach that fit all of his criteria. On one beautiful Saturday he decided to go and visit. He arrived and approached the young lady behind the counter. He told her that it had always been his dream to be a nudist but he was very nervous. She told him that it was fine if he wanted to just try it out. He could start his clothes in the locker in the back and go on out to the beach and see if it suited him.
After stowing his clothes he headed out to the beach. He was still a little nervous so he found a bench where he could sit that was screened behind a few bushes and maybe he would have a little privacy as he observed the people around him.
Shortly after sitting down a group of young people started a game of volleyball on the beach. One of the players was an especially beautiful young woman that he couldn’t help but admire.
After the game everyone packed up to leave. As everyone headed back to the locker room the young woman he found so enticing approached him. She informed him that she couldn’t help but notice his admiring glances and she appreciated them. She then proceeded to give him the best blowjob of his life.
After finishing, he excitedly returned to the locker room. He grabbed his checkbook ran to the front and paid his membership dues on the spot. Before heading back to the beach he grabbed a cigar out of his locker and while strolling contentedly smoked his stogie.
After a few minutes he dropped his cigar. As he bent down to pick it up a beautiful blonde man came up behind him and mounted him. He frantically pushed the man off of him and ran back to the front desk. He demanded his money back and the lady behind the counter was happy to oblige, however, she wanted to know what had changed his mind. He was so excited a few minutes ago and now he just wanted to leave.
He turned to the lady, and said, “well at my age I get really excited once every few months (if you know what I mean!) On the other hand, I drop my cigar at least four times a day.”
(Likely seen before but still my favorite.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qbdz1/the_nudest_colony_nsfw_long/
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Is the border of finland a...

Finish-line?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qbd9s/is_the_border_of_finland_a/
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How do you get your posts closer to the top?

^you ^just ^type ^them ^out ^like ^this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qb6g9/how_do_you_get_your_posts_closer_to_the_top/
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My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau...

...but that’s the highest form of flattery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qb1jf/my_girlfriend_got_upset_when_i_called_her_a/
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How do you drown a hipster?

Throw him in the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qb0dq/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
NSFW Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qaxv2/nsfw_why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qax3z/dad_how_many_kinds_of_boobs_are_there/
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I like my women how I like my coffee.

Just...put a lid on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qav8o/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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Did you hear one of the Ghostbusters died?

Yeah, 'e gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qanic/did_you_hear_one_of_the_ghostbusters_died/
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The order.

What do I always mess up when telling a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qancm/the_order/
%
Why was the lepers hockey game cancelled?

There was a face off in the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qamdk/why_was_the_lepers_hockey_game_cancelled/
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A graduate student in psychology

A psychology graduate student working at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate the mental condition of three patients in a local mental institution and assess their possibilities for reintegration into society.
The facility was well funded and nicer than the student expected for an institution housing patients with a range of disorders from violent schizophrenia to simple but unfortunate manic episodes in public and everything in between.
Upon arriving at the first patient’s room he could hear the growing thud as something repeatedly smacked against the wall. The student looked in through the window and saw the patient sitting on the floor by his bed and throwing a tennis ball against the wall. He even continued once the student entered and started to interview him, and although he answered slowly he responded relatively coherently. When asked what he would do if he got out he responded, “I want to play on the tennis court every day and be the best with the tennis ball that ever lived.”
The graduate student made some notes for later and left to evaluate the second patient.
The second patient’s room was also accompanied by a loud banging, although this time it was the sound of metal crashing on concrete. When the student looked through the window he saw the patient lifting the end of the bed, dropping it back to the floor multiple times before  dropping to the floor into a set of push ups. Upon being asked what his plans would be if he got out he said he wanted to be the best version of him he could be by competing in body building competitions. The graduate student wrote his notes and left the room.
When he walked up to the third patient’s room it was completely quiet. He looked through the window and saw the patient in the corner of the room facing the wall. Thinking it was odd he decided the buzz in before entering. “Hello, I’m here to assess whether or not you’re stable enough to re-enter society.”
No response.
Cautiously the graduate student enters the room and again announces himself and is once more greeted by no response. Slowly and with his clipboard raised slightly in an attempt to protect himself in case anything went wrong he reached out and touched the patient. He turned around and was masturbating furiously with a coconut.
“They’re never gonna let me out of here man, I’m fucking nuts!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qalyg/a_graduate_student_in_psychology/
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I watched a porn video of a woman dressed up in a cosplay of Medusa.

It made me hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qafym/i_watched_a_porn_video_of_a_woman_dressed_up_in_a/
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I like my slaves like I like my coffee

free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qaam7/i_like_my_slaves_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A man walks into a bar...

And look at the menu:
-Local beer: $5
-Imported Beer: $8
-Chicken Wings: $1/Piece
-Chicken Sandwich: $9
-Handjob: $18
The guy asks the barmaid, which is pretty sexy: ''Are you the one that takes care of handjobs?
The barmaid replies: ''Of course, hun!''
The guy replies: ''Then make sure to wash your hands, because I'd like a chicken sandwich''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qa97t/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qa7y7/call_me_a_racist_if_you_want_but_south_of_the/
%
A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual-intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qa6ns/a_beautiful_woman_went_to_a_gynecologist/
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I like my women like I like my weekends

Short, full of liquor and gone by Monday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qa6cp/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_weekends/
%
Why was the frog waiting for the bus

Because his car was TOAD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qa4ca/why_was_the_frog_waiting_for_the_bus/
%
What do you call adults with imaginary friends?

Religious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qa3tq/what_do_you_call_adults_with_imaginary_friends/
%
I am aware of the effect I have on women

The running away you get used to, but the screaming is hard on the ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9qa1e9/i_am_aware_of_the_effect_i_have_on_women/
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What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9zu1/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

I don't like coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9xls/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

Because they would steal all the boos!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9v93/why_are_ghosts_banned_from_the_liquor_store/
%
My wife and I are debating whether or not to get marble countertops in our kitchen

I feel like we’ll just take them for granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9uka/my_wife_and_i_are_debating_whether_or_not_to_get/
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A flat earther decided to walk to the end of the earth to prove once and for all it was flat

In the end, he came around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9uek/a_flat_earther_decided_to_walk_to_the_end_of_the/
%
Police asked the husband "Did you witness the suspect murder your wife?" The husband said "Yes."

Police: "Mind me ask why you did not intervene?"
Husband: "He looked like he was capable of doing it alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9u7u/police_asked_the_husband_did_you_witness_the/
%
I caught my girlfriend sleeping with my best friend.

Turns out she was married to him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9r2h/i_caught_my_girlfriend_sleeping_with_my_best/
%
The bar is ten minutes from my house, however...

...my house is two hours from the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9pje/the_bar_is_ten_minutes_from_my_house_however/
%
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option?!

I don't want my friends knowing i use Google+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9klu/why_do_porn_sites_have_a_share_to_google_option/
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If you think about it, Y is just a T

That your mom sat on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9jll/if_you_think_about_it_y_is_just_a_t/
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The bartender says "we don't serve time travellers in here!"

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9iw0/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travellers/
%
Finally got a girlfriend

My wife is not as excited as I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9hjr/finally_got_a_girlfriend/
%
An Amish woman and her daughter

were riding in an old buggy on a cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold.
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
So he did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,
"My prick is frozen solid."
The  following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother,  and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a prick?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies,
"Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9gp0/an_amish_woman_and_her_daughter/
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As a doctor, I am weirdly addicted to hitting my patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

I really get a kick out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9gi3/as_a_doctor_i_am_weirdly_addicted_to_hitting_my/
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What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and the  other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9cn8/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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“Mummy, Mummy, can I lick the bowl?”

“No, flush the toilet like everyone else...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q97qi/mummy_mummy_can_i_lick_the_bowl/
%
A blind guy walks into a bar

... a light pole, a bench and a parked car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q9604/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Do you guys know any good ice breakers?

I just know that the Titanic is not a good one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q8zoz/do_you_guys_know_any_good_ice_breakers/
%
Who provides snacks and refreshments at klan rallies?

Krispy Kream Katering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q8z37/who_provides_snacks_and_refreshments_at_klan/
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What do you call people who take care of chickens?

Chicken Tenders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q8yfu/what_do_you_call_people_who_take_care_of_chickens/
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I also like my coffee like I like my women.

Tied in a burlap sack and dragged through the Andes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q8svk/i_also_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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Two men were auditioning for a play...

to act as a brilliant chef called Frank. The two put on their best acting voices, and pulled wild expressions to impress.
After the auditions had finished, both of them were waiting to hear about the results. One of them was called into a room...and then left the room shortly after, returning to his seat next to the other man. He turns and looks into his eyes and says with a solemn expression, “Let me be frank with you...”
It’s a bit shit but I just thought of it then so (OC)
Edit- Big F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q8qwm/two_men_were_auditioning_for_a_play/
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Michael Jackson was made up of diatomic Helium.

He-He

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q8ilr/michael_jackson_was_made_up_of_diatomic_helium/
%
My therapist warned me that my chronic procrastination will negatively affect my life, but I’m not too worried.

I’ll look up what procrastination means later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q8g1l/my_therapist_warned_me_that_my_chronic/
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I like my women like I like my whiskey...

18 years old and full of Coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q8eye/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
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Did you hear about the psychic midget who broke out of jail?

Police are looking for a small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q8ese/did_you_hear_about_the_psychic_midget_who_broke/
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My acne is like the US in the Middle East

I thought it would only stay for a while but it's not going anywhere since there's so much oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q8bjj/my_acne_is_like_the_us_in_the_middle_east/
%
What type of bee produces milk?

A boobie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q8a5p/what_type_of_bee_produces_milk/
%
Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had fours doors they would be chicken sedans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q86m3/why_do_chicken_coops_have_two_doors/
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Why is a panda the opposite of a redneck?

Because he’s a vegetarian and refuses to breed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q85o4/why_is_a_panda_the_opposite_of_a_redneck/
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What's the opposite of a fish out of water?

Efficiency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q80m0/whats_the_opposite_of_a_fish_out_of_water/
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Two men visit a local pub known for serving animal hunters

They go in, sit down and order a drink.
While they are talking, one of them notices a frail, old man sitting alone in a corner. After a moment, he suddenly recognizes the man and nudges his friend.
"Hey, isn't that Tom Stevenson?" Says the man.
His friend looks in the direction he's gesturing. "Oh my god, it is".
Both men finish their drinks, and order another round plus one extra and walk over to the man.
"Excuse me", says one of the men, "You wouldn't be Tom Stevenson?"
"Why yes I am", says the old man, slowly and croakily.
"You are one of the greatest animal hunters of all time", says the other man. "Would it be alright if we sat down and listened to some of your stories" he said, holding out the 3rd beer as an offering.
The old man nodded and the two men sat down.
"Well", said the old man, slowly and quietly in a raspy, frail voice, "There was this one time. In Africa. Me and my friends were hunting lion." He took a long drink from the glass. "We'd spent all day in the hot African sun and seen nothing. Not one shred of evidence that there were any lions for miles around." He took another mouthful from the glass. "So we all decided it was time for lunch. We sat down and began to unpack our food and had just gotten settled down." The man downed the last of the beer. "Suddenly, from right next to me I heard a rustling in some shrubs. I look over and there are these two huge eyes staring out at me. Before I could react an enormous male lion pounced out of the bushes towards me. raaaaAAAAHHHH!" The old man, sat there looking a frightened. "I shat myself." He said looking the men in the eyes.
"Yeah, no kidding," said one man, "If a lion suddenly pounced on me, I'd shit myself too."
"No", said the old man, "just now, when I went raaaaAAAAHHHH."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q7wgu/two_men_visit_a_local_pub_known_for_serving/
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A man's wife goes into labor

After hours in labor she finally gives birth to a boy who was born with nothing from the neck down but is otherwise healthy.
Regardless, the father still treats him like a regular boy. They play catch together and watch TV together. He teaches the boy about cars and how to treat women and he lives a relatively normal life despite his lack of a body.
The boy grows up strong and healthy and on the day he can finally have his first legal drink, his father carries him to the local bar. They walk in and his father places him on a bar stool.
"Bartender", he exclaims, "today is my son's birthday, he is a man today. Give him the biggest, strongest drink you have to offer." So the bartender makes a massive concoction of the strongest alcohols he has stocked and sticks a straw in it for the boy.
The boy takes a cautious sip. POP! Suddenly where there was nothing, the boy had grown a torso. Needless to say both the boy and the father were stunned.
The father is ecstatic. "Have another sip son", he urges. POP! Two arms appear from the torso. The father begins to yell and cheer and cry with excitement which gains the attention of the rest of the bar.
"Go on son!" Yells the father, "Finish the rest of the drink!"
With his new arms and hands the boy picks up the drink and finishes the rest of it in one gulp. POP! Legs suddenly shoot out from his torso, knocking him off the bar stool.
The bar goes absolutely wild. The father is crying and laughing, the other patrons are cheering and taking photos. Everyone is overjoyed at the miracle they had just witnessed.
The boy stands up on his new legs but, from a combination of never having walked before and being incredibly drunk from the alcohol, he is incredibly wobbly. He wobbles one way and then the next. He stumbles forward and out the door, into the street, onto the road where he is promptly hit by a bus and killed instantly.
The cheering stops. Everyone is stunned and silent.
The bartender, meanwhile, had been cleaning some glasses and just shakes his head. "It's a shame", he says, "A real shame. He should have quit while he was ahead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q7sdl/a_mans_wife_goes_into_labor/
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What can tell the difference between an Australian and an American?

A good eye might.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q7s64/what_can_tell_the_difference_between_an/
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Why did the spoon go to the dentist?

It had a concavity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q7nmv/why_did_the_spoon_go_to_the_dentist/
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Two guys walk into a bar, smiling and laughing.

They walk up to the bartender and loudly announce that they’re ordering a round of drinks for everyone there.
“What’s the occasion?” asks the bartender.
“We just finished this huge puzzle. We’re geniuses!” the men reply.
“What makes you say that?” the bartender replies.
“Well, the box said 4-6 years, but it only took us two!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q7j3c/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar_smiling_and_laughing/
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My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I'm so easily distracted!...

Ah well..back to it I suppose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q7h2i/my_girlfriend_says_our_lovemaking_is_so_bad/
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My college roommate

I just started college. Expenses are tight so I'm working a job at a corner convenience store. I go to work in the evenings on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.
Anyway, I'm getting along really well with my roommate, whose name is America. The other day she invited me to a meeting for an a cappella group but unfortunately it was on a Thursday evening so I had to go to work. It's too bad because it would have been a good way to meet people.
I got invited to a party on Friday so I thought I should bring her along. I came into the room and found her taking a nap.
I shook her a little bit and said, "Sorry to bug you but do you want to go to a party tonight?"
She was still kind of sleepy, but she mumbled something like "Don't you have to go to work?"
I said, "Wake up America. 7/11 is a part time job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q7gkx/my_college_roommate/
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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer.

Put it in the oven until it’s Bill Withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q7avs/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
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No matter how much you push the envelope

It’s still stationary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q77r3/no_matter_how_much_you_push_the_envelope/
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What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hairline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q77jk/what_do_you_call_20_rabbits_walking_backwards/
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When you sneeze and fart at the same time..

Your body takes a screenshot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q77d0/when_you_sneeze_and_fart_at_the_same_time/
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I had such a funny joke about a cash machine

but I can't remember it atm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q760u/i_had_such_a_funny_joke_about_a_cash_machine/
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Why do witches wear name tags?

So they know which witch is which!
(I used to say this all the time when I was younger)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q75lb/why_do_witches_wear_name_tags/
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A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says 'why the long face?'

The horse can't talk, firstly, so it can't respond. It shits in the bar and then walks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q73sh/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_says_why/
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A man caught his wife in bed with her lover and killed her.

When facing the judge, the judge had to ask: "Why did you kill your wife and not her lover?"
"Well your honor, I considered it better to kill one woman, than killing a different man every week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q729o/a_man_caught_his_wife_in_bed_with_her_lover_and/
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I thought my dentist and I were friends.

He asked me when the last time I flossed was, like come on man you were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q70i8/i_thought_my_dentist_and_i_were_friends/
%
Why did the Guitar tutor go to jail?

For fingering A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q701l/why_did_the_guitar_tutor_go_to_jail/
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My son is so ungrateful

I got him a trampoline for his birthday and all he did was cry on his wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q6t4t/my_son_is_so_ungrateful/
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For Sale: Dead budgie

Not going cheap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q6mou/for_sale_dead_budgie/
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As a scarecrow, people say I'm out standing in my field...

But hay, it's in my jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q6dyb/as_a_scarecrow_people_say_im_out_standing_in_my/
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What do you call a girl who never masturbates?

A liar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q6bug/what_do_you_call_a_girl_who_never_masturbates/
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You want to know what I don’t get?

Laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q69xd/you_want_to_know_what_i_dont_get/
%
I CAN'T GET INTO MY HAT CUPBOARD!

MY CAPS LOCKED

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q69dc/i_cant_get_into_my_hat_cupboard/
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Prostitutes are a lot like regular women

In that neither of them will have sex with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q69ci/prostitutes_are_a_lot_like_regular_women/
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I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q67vm/i_got_arrested_for_killing_a_black_man/
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my wife says size doesn't matter

but i still wish she didn't have a penis.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q6743/my_wife_says_size_doesnt_matter/
%
Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.
He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.
Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"
And it was clear to everyone around him that he was in denial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q6522/pharaoh_surrounded_by_family_and_advisors_tells/
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Do you know why I don't do orgy's?

If I wanted to disappoint large feoups of people I would repost on r/Jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q5ygn/do_you_know_why_i_dont_do_orgys/
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Why haven’t aliens visited Earth yet?

They read the reviews, we only have one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q5xw2/why_havent_aliens_visited_earth_yet/
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What is a pirate's worst fear?

A sunken chest with no booty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q5sf5/what_is_a_pirates_worst_fear/
%
You have to stop masturbating

Why?
Because i’m talking to you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q5p7h/you_have_to_stop_masturbating/
%
My dog ate a loaf and a half of bread off the counter.

She's pure bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q5mmu/my_dog_ate_a_loaf_and_a_half_of_bread_off_the/
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Why do most cats not respond to us calling them?

Because essentially we are catcalling them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q5mg4/why_do_most_cats_not_respond_to_us_calling_them/
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Found this in an old email from my grandpa.

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one
and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,
"Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale
this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit
card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it
was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only
person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod
and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q5ivg/found_this_in_an_old_email_from_my_grandpa/
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Mike Tyson once angrily accused me of tampering with his satsumas.

He said I was taking the pith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q5buc/mike_tyson_once_angrily_accused_me_of_tampering/
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A guy got thrown in the jail for refusing to take a nap..

He was resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q5a98/a_guy_got_thrown_in_the_jail_for_refusing_to_take/
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What do you get if you cross an owl with a skunk?

A bird that smells, but doesn't give a hoot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q59hx/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_an_owl_with_a_skunk/
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"I want to prescribe you new cutting edge drug against depression. But I have good news and bad news about the drug"

"I would prefer to hear bad news first".
"Okay. Bad news are that said drug has many side-effects. You will feel dizzy, tired, bad taste in your mouth, periodical urges to vomit, etc."
"And good news?"
"You won't give a fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q56tz/i_want_to_prescribe_you_new_cutting_edge_drug/
%
I have a friend who's really into measurements.

You guys really should meter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q565u/i_have_a_friend_whos_really_into_measurements/
%
I bought a second hand time machine,

and I'll tell ya, they don't make them like they used to fifty years from now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q508u/i_bought_a_second_hand_time_machine/
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Why was the lion full of embarrassment?

He swallowed his pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4ww9/why_was_the_lion_full_of_embarrassment/
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How long would you be sailing if you were to sail 220 yards at a speed of one nautical mile an hour?

Knot furlong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4txx/how_long_would_you_be_sailing_if_you_were_to_sail/
%
I still remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket...

“Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4ssn/i_still_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said/
%
What is the cheapest meat?

Deer balls, because they're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4r8p/what_is_the_cheapest_meat/
%
A mother walks into her son's room

Upon opening the door she sees her son eating some of his toys. Freaking out she scoops him up and rushes to the emergency room and demands them run all sorts of tests on him. Finally after receiving dozens of tests they finally get to sit down with a doctor.
"Is my son going to be okay?" The mother asked
The doctor placed a X-ray on the table and pointed to several lumps in the boys stomach.
"As you can see here your son has swallowed several toy horses."
"Is he going to be okay?"
The doctor is silent for a moment then nods.
"Yes your son's condition is stable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4qjx/a_mother_walks_into_her_sons_room/
%
An old man and woman snuck into the broom closet at the retirement home for a romp...

They undressed and were about to fuck when the woman realized she should warn the man about her heart condition.
"I should tell you, I have acute angina," she said.
"Good," said the man, "because you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4qjg/an_old_man_and_woman_snuck_into_the_broom_closet/
%
Psychic Prediction Convention 2018

[CLOSED] Due to unforeseen circumstances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4jfx/psychic_prediction_convention_2018/
%
If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4gwf/if_a_jockey_wears_jockey_shorts_and_a_basketball/
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Astronaut 1: I can’t find any milk for my coffee

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4fvc/astronaut_1_i_cant_find_any_milk_for_my_coffee/
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What's the name of the ceremony where really prideful Hebrews get circumcised?

The Hu-Bris

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4f38/whats_the_name_of_the_ceremony_where_really/
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What do you say when you are Cold, Angry and Hungry

Brr grr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4dgc/what_do_you_say_when_you_are_cold_angry_and_hungry/
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What do you call a pansexual man named Nick working at a cd store?

Pan nick at the disc co.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4cn9/what_do_you_call_a_pansexual_man_named_nick/
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People make fun of Australia for declaring war on emus and losing

But it's not nearly as embarrassing as the US declaring war on plants and losing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4cla/people_make_fun_of_australia_for_declaring_war_on/
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Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

Because he needed his space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4cj2/why_did_the_astronaut_break_up_with_his_girlfriend/
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Chemist 1 says he will have an H2O. Chemist 2 says he will have an H2O too.

Chemist 3 says why can’t you guys just say water. This is why I never take you guys out anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q4b7n/chemist_1_says_he_will_have_an_h2o_chemist_2_says/
%
They say that baby shampoo is tear free,

But I still cried when my uncle used it on me as lube.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q48ly/they_say_that_baby_shampoo_is_tear_free/
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My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q46zv/my_wife_laughed_when_i_said_i_still_had_the_body/
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What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q46kd/what_is_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean/
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Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital! Eh???
Just kidding. They get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q45ig/where_do_horses_go_when_they_get_sick/
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What’s the meanest thing a cowboy can say to someone with no arms?

Reach for the sky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q43u8/whats_the_meanest_thing_a_cowboy_can_say_to/
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A man goes to an interest-free bank.

Man : I would like to open an account.
Banker : Who the fuck cares?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q41mb/a_man_goes_to_an_interestfree_bank/
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For Halloween I’m dressing up as a slutty thought bubble

A Thot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3zql/for_halloween_im_dressing_up_as_a_slutty_thought/
%
An interesting experiment

There was this specially talented musician, he could play almost any instrument, conduct an entire orchestra and compose like anyone else.
So, a couple scientists were very interested in finding how his brain works.
The musician agreed with a bizarre experiment, he would let the scientists to take parts of his brain to study.
First, they took 25% of brain mass.
The musician happily composed another master piece, and the scientists listened in disbelief.
They took another 25% of his brain.
Again, the musician composed another piece, and played the violin while the scientists took notes and were saying that this is not possible!
After a few discussions, they've agreed to take another 25%
This time, the musician took a while to recover, but when it does, he begins to play the piano, beautiful Beethoven symphonies.
Scientists jaws dropped! how can it be? a genius, only with a quarter of a brain, and still a genius!
They've made a last request to the musician, take the last 25% out, for the love of science, and he happily obliges.
So there it goes, last 25% out, no brain at all and everyone expecting the musician to recover.
The man awakes, looks at everyone and starts singing:
*Deeeeespacito...*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3yz7/an_interesting_experiment/
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An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot

When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.”
The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”
The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3yog/an_old_guy_and_a_young_guy_were_pushing_their/
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A wise man once said that for a man to be happy, he must:

1. Find a woman who cooks well and knows how to keep the house neat and tidy.
2. Be able to exchange conversation with a woman that is at the same level as he is, intellectually speaking.
3. Be satisfied with his partner in bed.
4. Find someone who shares his dreams, visions triumphs and even failures in life.
5. Make sure that these four women don't know each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3vrk/a_wise_man_once_said_that_for_a_man_to_be_happy/
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At your next helloween party expect to see the typical costumes.

The sexy nurse, the sexy nun and the sexist judge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3sxd/at_your_next_helloween_party_expect_to_see_the/
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What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?

The wizard of fl.oz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3sjt/what_do_you_get_when_you_melt_the_wizard_of_oz/
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My wife left me because I’m too insecure

No wait, she’s back
She just went to make a cup of coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3r19/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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I was trying to figure out how to fix my mouse...

Then it clicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3npr/i_was_trying_to_figure_out_how_to_fix_my_mouse/
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How does Hitler Tie His Shoesies?

With little knotsis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3ne8/how_does_hitler_tie_his_shoesies/
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Why is our nose in the middle of our face?

Because it’s the scenter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3lxi/why_is_our_nose_in_the_middle_of_our_face/
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This morning was all about Shakespeare. This afternoon it's all about his poetry.

Things are going from Bard to Verse
*^(Credit to my mate, Martin)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3kho/this_morning_was_all_about_shakespeare_this/
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What is E.T. Short For?

Because he has little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3kh9/what_is_et_short_for/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re so good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3jtk/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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"Son, you need to stop masturbating, you'll go blind."

"Dad, I'm over here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3i74/son_you_need_to_stop_masturbating_youll_go_blind/
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Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3fxn/did_you_hear_about_the_butcher_who_backed_into/
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Why is it safe to have unprotected sex with a vampire?

Because vampires can't come inside unless invited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3f6r/why_is_it_safe_to_have_unprotected_sex_with_a/
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Why is the Rabbi so good at making tea?

Because Hebrews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3e7e/why_is_the_rabbi_so_good_at_making_tea/
%
Why are all celebrities with skin head so successful?

Because fortune favors the bald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3bgs/why_are_all_celebrities_with_skin_head_so/
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George W. Bush, Barrack Obama and Donald Trump died and stand in front of God

. First, God asks George W. Bush: "in what do you believe?" Bush answers he believes in free trade, a strong America and in the nation. "Very good" God says, "you can sit on my right".
Then he turns to Barrack Obama and asks him the same question. Obama answers he believes in the democracy, helping the poor and world peace. "Excellent!" God says, "you can sit on my left".
Finally, God addresses Donald Trump and of course asks him the same question: "Donald, in what do you believe?". Without hesitation Trump answers: "I believe you are sitting in my chair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3ame/george_w_bush_barrack_obama_and_donald_trump_died/
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I'm scared of π (pi).

I know. It's an irrational fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q3a11/im_scared_of_π_pi/
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My friend shouted, “You have a BA, a Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”

It was a third degree burn…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q34ri/my_friend_shouted_you_have_a_ba_a_masters_and_a/
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I met a girl with 12 nipples

Sounds funny
Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q2tnv/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
%
A car is pulled over by a police officer. The officer walks up to the driver and says, "Congratulations, you're the 100th driver to remember putting on your seatbelt today, and so you have won $2000! So sir, what do you think you'll do with those money?"

The driver says, "I'd probably buy a driver's license."
His wife sitting next to him says "Don't listen to him Officer, he's been drinking."
A man exclaims from the backseat, "I've told you both this, we never get anywhere in stolen cars!"
A voice can be heard from the trunk shouting "Hey have we crossed the border yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q2r8x/a_car_is_pulled_over_by_a_police_officer_the/
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When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q2pr2/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
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When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.

People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q2ngo/when_my_grandfather_died_we_scattered_his_remains/
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What's the difference between toilet paper and a towel?

You don't know? So it was you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q2n5q/whats_the_difference_between_toilet_paper_and_a/
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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest when they stumble across a magic lamp.

The rabbit picks up the lamp, and rubs it. Out comes a genie, and it grants them both 3 wishes.
The bear, now focused on the wishes, decides to test the genie’s limits. He says, “I wish every other bear in the forest were female!”
The rabbit simply says, “I wish for a motorcycle helmet.” A helmet pops into existence, and he buckles it onto his head.
The bear decides to go further, and says “I wish every other bear in the country was female, and they liked me!”
The rabbit says, “I wish for a motorcycle.” A motorcycle appears in front of him, and he sits on top.
The bear, for his final wish, says, “I wish every other bear in the world was female, and they were irresistibly attracted to me!”
The rabbit revs his motorcycle, getting ready to ride away, points at the bear and says, “I wish that bear was gay.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q2mkd/a_bear_is_chasing_a_rabbit_through_the_forest/
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A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at --
fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's
and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.
Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to have the mechanic
because Hell is supposed to be an awful place and shouldn't have any luxuries.
Satan refuses, and God threatens to sue him for the mechanic.
"Sue me?" Satan asks. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q2m3r/a_mechanic_dies_and_not_being_a_very_religious/
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Why don't blind people bungee jump?

It scares the fuck out of the dogs.
Full credit to Agro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q2m33/why_dont_blind_people_bungee_jump/
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Do you know why we don't have a Motherfucker's day ?

Cuz it's called Father's day....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q2ke9/do_you_know_why_we_dont_have_a_motherfuckers_day/
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My friend bought me a D20 for my birthday.

I dont think he understood me when I said I wanna die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q2jud/my_friend_bought_me_a_d20_for_my_birthday/
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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q2hq8/theres_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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A women asked if I prefer legs to breasts

I told her I'm into a shaved vagina and anal. Apparently this is not an appropriate answer at KFC
NOTE: This is a repost from five mins ago where I really messed up on everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q28o0/a_women_asked_if_i_prefer_legs_to_breasts/
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A guy goes out drinking with his friend...

And after a few too many, he accidentally throws up all over his shirt. "Ah shit..." he says, "now the wife is definitely going to know that I over did it tonight".
His friend says, "relax, I have a solution. Take a $50 bill and put it in your shirt pocket and tell your wife that some guy threw up on your shirt and gave you a fifty for the trouble." Genious, the guy thinks and continues drinking with his friend.
Later that night, the man returns home where he is greeted by his wife, "what is that smell? What happened to your shirt?" She asks. The husband replies, "oh this? Yeah some guy threw up on my shirt but he gave me a fifty for the trouble", he says pulling the bill out of his shirt pocket. The wife notices that he is holding two $50 bills, "where did the other fifty come from?" She asks.
The husband replies "Oh yeah, he gave me another one cause he shit in my pants too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q28mr/a_guy_goes_out_drinking_with_his_friend/
%
Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it is cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q26xd/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_female/
%
How do you cut the sea in half?

With a Sea-saw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q26ww/how_do_you_cut_the_sea_in_half/
%
What car drive do you?

Toyoda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q25gh/what_car_drive_do_you/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a prime number and prime numbers can be intimidating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q25ad/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
There was a fight at the alter yesterday

I guess you could say it was an altercation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q23oa/there_was_a_fight_at_the_alter_yesterday/
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In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light!”

There was still nothing but now you could see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q22t6/in_the_beginning_there_was_nothing_then_god_said/
%
You can tell an ant's gender by putting it in water

If it sinks, girl ant
If it floats, buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q1zf7/you_can_tell_an_ants_gender_by_putting_it_in_water/
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I have a printer nicknamed Bob Marley

Because it's always Jammin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q1z9p/i_have_a_printer_nicknamed_bob_marley/
%
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters
sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q1z2b/murphy_calls_to_see_his_mate_paddy_who_has_a/
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What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Your spine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q1xcr/whats_long_hard_and_bendable_and_contains_the/
%
I bought a wooden whistle.

But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
(Might have been already posted here)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q1pqk/i_bought_a_wooden_whistle/
%
I finally found a girl who is like my mother in every way!

I brought her home and wouldn't you know it, my dad doesn't like her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q1mek/i_finally_found_a_girl_who_is_like_my_mother_in/
%
So the thing about police badges.

Wouldn't it be great if they were made from "copper"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q1lyy/so_the_thing_about_police_badges/
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The only b-word you should call a woman is beautiful...

Bitches love it when you call them beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q1f8p/the_only_bword_you_should_call_a_woman_is/
%
A man was walking through a cemetery early one day and spots another man crouching behind a gravestone.

“Morning”, he calls.
“No, mate,” replies the crouching man. “Just having a shit”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q1ear/a_man_was_walking_through_a_cemetery_early_one/
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Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

They're really making headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q19w2/have_you_heard_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
%
What's a British caveman vampire slayer's favorite food?

Tea bone stake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q17go/whats_a_british_caveman_vampire_slayers_favorite/
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Once in fifth grade this kid called me a homo.

I thought it meant homeless, I was so confused and I said: “Jeremy you’ve been to my house!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q14w0/once_in_fifth_grade_this_kid_called_me_a_homo/
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A tourist is shopping at a market in Mexico

He goes up to a vendor and struggles to communicate with the shopkeeper, who eventually pulls out an apple.
"Disfrutan mucho los turistas", the vendor says while smiling.
The tourist stops and thinks for a second, and then responds with "No, dis fruit an apple".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q13wf/a_tourist_is_shopping_at_a_market_in_mexico/
%
I ordered a horse from a rancher, but only got a mule.

Guess he just half-assed it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q0zx4/i_ordered_a_horse_from_a_rancher_but_only_got_a/
%
I was crossing the street when i suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then i remembered I can’t drive the bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q0ywj/i_was_crossing_the_street_when_i_suddenly_noticed/
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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.' Bob was stunned.

I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past.
'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell, 'BOB, wake up! You've shit the bed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q0y3r/bob_came_home_drunk_one_night_slid_into_bed/
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Why can’t Ben Shapiro fly an airplane?

He always destroys the left wing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q0w18/why_cant_ben_shapiro_fly_an_airplane/
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My dream is to create a bioengineering startup that solves world hunger by developing a self-replicating noodle

Laugh now, but one day you're going to see my Copy Pasta everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q0tyq/my_dream_is_to_create_a_bioengineering_startup/
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NASA job interview

I was interviewing for a cheif of engineering position at NASA, when they asked me what my goals were
I answered: "To land my rocket on Uranus"
They didn't hire me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q0odh/nasa_job_interview/
%
When my wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober, all I could think was...

Fucking hell, I got married?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q0k77/when_my_wife_said_shes_leaving_me_because_shes/
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Running with scissors

You know how they say you shouldn't run with scissors? Well you also shouldn't scissor with the runs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q0iku/running_with_scissors/
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I bought an amazing new whiteboard.

It’s absolutely remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q0er0/i_bought_an_amazing_new_whiteboard/
%
If you thought Stephen Strange couldn't be Sorcerer Supreme...

...you'd be Wong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q0ehs/if_you_thought_stephen_strange_couldnt_be/
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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.
The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume.
At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty.
The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q0dbe/a_man_gets_on_a_bus_and_ends_up_sitting_next_to_a/
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Saul and The Lottery

Saul was a devoutly religious man who was alway trying to do good for others.  He also wanted very little in return.  In fact, throughout his entire adult life he only prayed for one thing: he wanted to win the lottery.  Day after day he would perform these acts of kindness without looking for reciprocations.  When he would pray, he would note prayers for all of the individuals he had encounterd that day, as well as friends and family, but nothing for himself until he would end the prayer, "Lord, please, just once, let me win the lottery."
As the years go by, age catches up with Saul and he takes ill.  Still he prays for the needs of others until he ends the prayer with, "Lord, please, just once, let me win the lottery."  Eventually Saul passes away and he finds himself standing in front of God who is welcoming him into heaven.  He looks up at God and says, "Lord, I was your faithful servant for my whole life. I helped countless people and never asked for anything in return. Throughout my entire existence I only prayed for one thing and you would never grant it.  Why, oh Lord, would you never--not once--ever let me win the lottery?"
God looks kindly down at his faithful son and says, "Saul, you still needed to buy a ticket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q0bvl/saul_and_the_lottery/
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What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q0928/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
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A death row criminal was strapped onto the electric chair waiting for his execution

Executioner: Any last request?
Criminal: I just want to see one last clickbait article.
Executioner: What happens next will shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q065u/a_death_row_criminal_was_strapped_onto_the/
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Have you ever seen an elephant hide in a tree?

No? That's because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q03ka/have_you_ever_seen_an_elephant_hide_in_a_tree/
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Whats the difference between a bomb vest and a feminist?

A bomb vest actually does something when its triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9q01to/whats_the_difference_between_a_bomb_vest_and_a/
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A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory

where he had  been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the  compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking  for the first time in his life.
"WOW! This is great," he thought.  It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it  he saw a wonderful sight: lots if other bunny rabbits - all free and  nibbling at the lush green grass. "Hey," he called out. "I’m a rabbit  from the laboratory over there and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild  rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us, " they all cried out.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass.
It tasted so good.
"What else do you do wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said, "you see that field over there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This  he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour gorging on the most  succulent carrots he had ever tasted. "They are wonderful" he told his  new friends.
Much later, he asked them again: "What else do you  do?" "You see that field there in the distance? Its got lettuce growing  in it. We eat them as well".
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned some hours later, completely full of lettuce.
"Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came close to him and spoke softly:
"There  is one other thing you must try." Pointing to a bunch of rabbits in the  far corner of the field, he said "They’re girl rabbits. We shag them.  Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the afternoon  screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered  back to his male friends. "That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of the asked.
"I’m sorry. I had a great time. Believe me, but I can’t".
The wild rabbits all stared at him in amazement. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory.... I’m dying for a cigarette."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pzz14/a_rabbit_one_day_managed_to_break_free_from_a/
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On their way to get married a couple has a fatal car accident.

The  couple are sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter turn  up to register them. While waiting they wonder if they could possibly  get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don’t know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. "Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The  couple sit around for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they  really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it  all.
"What if it doesn’t work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever ?"
St.  Peter returns after another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes,"  he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," say the couple, "but what if things don’t work out ? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven ?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What’s wrong?" exclaim the frightened couple.
"Jeez!"  St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here !  Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take me to find a lawyer ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pzx1i/on_their_way_to_get_married_a_couple_has_a_fatal/
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Roses are red, Violets are red, Tulips are red, Dandelions are red

The tape around my house is yellow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pzwsr/roses_are_red_violets_are_red_tulips_are_red/
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Why did Stephen Hawking only do improv?

He was no good at stand-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pzune/why_did_stephen_hawking_only_do_improv/
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Three nuns were sitting on a park bench

when a man in a trench coat walked up and flashed them.
Two of the nuns had a stroke.
The third couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pztpv/three_nuns_were_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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I once met a girl with twelve nipples...

Sounds funny, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pzow0/i_once_met_a_girl_with_twelve_nipples/
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A girl once asked if I like being fucked in the ass with a strap on.

I responded, "You have me pegged."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pznt4/a_girl_once_asked_if_i_like_being_fucked_in_the/
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What has four legs and says BOO?

A cow with a head cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pzndp/what_has_four_legs_and_says_boo/
%
Do you know why I don't do threesomes?

Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pzlbi/do_you_know_why_i_dont_do_threesomes/
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There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake....

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pzj07/there_were_three_medieval_kingdoms_on_the_shores/
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Why did the bear put on some socks?

Because it was bear-foot
Source: my little sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pzgg7/why_did_the_bear_put_on_some_socks/
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George W. Bush, Clarence Thomas, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and Brett Kavanaugh all competed in a spelling bee...

Surprisingly, George W. Bush won.
He was the only contestant to spell "harass" as one word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pzga0/george_w_bush_clarence_thomas_bill_clinton_donald/
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I asked my friend if he liked living in north korea

He said he couldn't complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pzdgx/i_asked_my_friend_if_he_liked_living_in_north/
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[Doctor Who themed] Why was Sylvester McCoy afraid of Paul McGann

Because McGann Hurt Eccleston

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pza3s/doctor_who_themed_why_was_sylvester_mccoy_afraid/
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WHY DON’T THEY PLAY POKER IN THE JUNGLE?

Too many cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pz80r/why_dont_they_play_poker_in_the_jungle/
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I tried to comfort a grammar nazi.

I said there their they're.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pz22w/i_tried_to_comfort_a_grammar_nazi/
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What's the difference between a man with a vasectomy and a eunuch?

There's actually not a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pyztq/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_with_a/
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Three guys stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it. A genie comes out and grants them each three wishes.
For their first wish, Guy 1 wishes for a hot wife. Guy 2, looking to one-up Guy 1, wishes to be irresistible to all women.
Guy 3 wishes for his left arm to constantly rotate clockwise.
For their second wish, Guy 1 wishes for a billion dollars. Guy 2 wishes for infinite money, and Guy 3 wishes for his right arm to constantly rotate counter-clockwise.
For the third wish, Guy 1 wishes to never get ill again. Guy 2 wishes to be immortal, and Guy 3 wishes for his head to constantly bob forwards and backwards, much like a pigeon would while walking.
Having all three of their wishes granted, the three guys bid farewell to the genie and parted ways. Guy 1 and Guy 2 left confused, wondering what could possibly have inspired Guy 3 to make such ridiculous wishes.
The three guys didn’t speak for a while, as they were busy living their new lives the genie had granted them. 10 years pass and they meet up again to talk about how their lives have been since finding the lamp.
Guy 1 says “My life has been amazing! My wife is beautiful, I have a giant house and I’ve never felt better!”
Guy 2 says “I’ve been great too! I have 50 wives, a mansion, and I’ll live forever!”
Guy 3 says “I think I really fucked up, guys.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pyz7p/three_guys_stumble_upon_a_magic_lamp/
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In the year 1897 a young man named Jonathan Quimby set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his nearly 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses to help him carry it.
The voyage to Skagway was difficult. The seas were rough and Jonathan spent many hours at the rail, emptying his stomach into the frigid, frothing waters.
His journey from Skagway to the Klondike wasn't any easier. Halfway through the journey, a blizzard caught him by surprise. One of his two pack horses didn't survive the frigid night. Wolves took care of the other three days later.
Pressing on he finally arrived in the Yukon, pulling his sled by hand. There, he discovered that all the claims had been taken, except for one on the outskirts of the town. The claim had not been taken because it seemed to have little promise.
He worked the claim for weeks, with his gold pan, his pick, and his shovel. Day after day he toiled, his supplies and hope dwindling with each shovel-full of frozen soil lifted from the earth.
After 9 months, his food supplies were exhausted, as were his mind and body. For all his labor, Jonathan still had nothing to show for all his labor. Dejected and despairing, he made his way back to Dawson and spent his last dollar on a shot of watered-down cheap whiskey. He'd brought his gold pan with him to use as a plate for a meal, but he didn't have the means to purchase even a cup of moose stew.
With tears welling in his eyes, he left the bar and slumped to the muddy boardwalk outside the blacksmith shop. The pan dropped from his dejected fingers onto the ground in front of him.
After all his labor, sacrifice, sweat, blood, and tears, he had nothing to show for it. Full of shame and despair, he wept in bitterness unabashedly, heedless of the men passing by on the boardwalk.
A few minutes later, a prospector in a fine broadcloth suit and a bear skin coat passed by young Jonathan. Looking down at Jonathan, he took pity on the broken young man. From his pocket he pulled forth a nugget the size of an acorn. Bending low, he dropped it into Jonathan's discarded pan with a loud clang.
Jonathan, aroused by this sound, shook himself free of his stupified state. He stared down into the pan, disbelief dawning on his tear stained face.
Looking up at the man, with gratitude in his eyes, he said in a breaking voice, "Thanks for my first gold, kind stranger!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pywwx/in_the_year_1897_a_young_man_named_jonathan/
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Why did the blind man fall into the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pyw4d/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
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Why did Star Wars Episodes 4,5,6 come before 1,2,3?

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pyu79/why_did_star_wars_episodes_456_come_before_123/
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A buddy of mine

went into a corner bar in NYC and asked for five shots of vodka.
I guess the bartender thought he was ordering them for friends or something, but after he poured them, my buddy just slammed them all in rapid succession -- BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM.
Bartender gave him a look of incredulity and said, "Man, you should never drink that fast."
My buddy said, "You'd drink that fast if you had what I have."
Bartender says, "What do you have?"
My buddy says, "Eh, about a buck-fifty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pyu2v/a_buddy_of_mine/
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Alcohol is a depressant

But not nearly as much as lack of alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pytjj/alcohol_is_a_depressant/
%
Giving the homeless blankets

Is just covering up the problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pysig/giving_the_homeless_blankets/
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For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.

I think I'm being stalked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pyqz7/for_the_past_month_i_have_woken_up_to_find/
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How to fall down a flight of stairs

Step 1
Step 2
Step 4
Step 7
Step 11
Step 28
Step 34

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pyqtl/how_to_fall_down_a_flight_of_stairs/
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DRAG QUEEN NAME

Came up with a great drag queen name :
Jenna  Talia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pyqs1/drag_queen_name/
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What is Yoda's last name?

Laheehoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pyq7r/what_is_yodas_last_name/
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What does my wife and a suicide bomber have in common?

They're nowhere near me when they blow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pyomy/what_does_my_wife_and_a_suicide_bomber_have_in/
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My coworker just said, “I didn’t have sex with my wife until we were married. How about you?”

Me: Not sure. What’s her name?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pyolt/my_coworker_just_said_i_didnt_have_sex_with_my/
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Man asked his wife “What would you do if I won the lottery?”

Wife  said, “Take half and leave your sorry ass.” Husband replies, “Good, I won 10 bucks here's 5 now get the hell out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pynoh/man_asked_his_wife_what_would_you_do_if_i_won_the/
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Slow down = stop

A cop is waiting by a stop sign to catch people running it.
Suddenly he sees a man driving to the stop sign.
The man drives to the stop sign, slows down slightly when he gets to it, and goes regular speed after passing it.
The police officer, seeing what the man did, turns on his lights and pulls the guy over.
The cop makes the walk over to the guy's side window and asks:
"Alright, do you know why I pulled you over."
The man responds with a confused "no sir."
The officer says "I pulled you over because you didn't stop at that stop sign over there.
"Yeah, but I slowed down."
"But slowing down isn't stopping" said the cop.
The man says "actually, it sorta is."
"NO ITS NOT"
"YES IT IS"
They argue for a few minutes, when finally the police officer finally says:
"If I can prove that slowing down isn't stopping, will you take the ticket and shut the fuck up?"
The man agrees to the cop's deal
Suddenly the cop brings out his nightstick and beats the man as hard and fast as he possibly can.
The cop stops to ask the man:
"ALRIGHT DO YOU WANT ME TO SLOW DOWN OR STOP"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pylcb/slow_down_stop/
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Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pygv7/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
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TIFU by getting myself a sandwich from Subway instead of Firehouse Subs.

Wait, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pygeu/tifu_by_getting_myself_a_sandwich_from_subway/
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As a millennial snowflake, if I can't win,

I at least expect a ribbon for precipitation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pyfl8/as_a_millennial_snowflake_if_i_cant_win/
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Why does the KKK not do Calculus?

They don't like to integrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pybpv/why_does_the_kkk_not_do_calculus/
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Whats my age again?

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.  She spends $15,000 and looks  sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’  The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself.  She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra  Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.  She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.  He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pybbq/whats_my_age_again/
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They passed a new law in Alabama.

After you get a divorce she’s still your sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9py3xk/they_passed_a_new_law_in_alabama/
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Why was there music coming out of the printer?

The papers were jamming again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9py0er/why_was_there_music_coming_out_of_the_printer/
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What do you call a gay person from France

A faguette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pxvrh/what_do_you_call_a_gay_person_from_france/
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A man walks into a cafe and asks for a small decaf coffee with sugar and no cream

The waitress leaves to fetch the coffee but returns a moment later.
“Sorry sir, we’re all out of cream. Would you prefer no milk?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pxvbi/a_man_walks_into_a_cafe_and_asks_for_a_small/
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Breaking news: Plastic knives to be redundant

They simply aren’t cutting it anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pxt3c/breaking_news_plastic_knives_to_be_redundant/
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A veterinarian goes to see a doctor...

The Doctor starts asking questions about the pain and how long he has been feeling ill.
The veterinarian snarky replies: "When I treat the animals I don't have the privilege to ask questions."
The Doctor says ok, then starts examining his patient. After a while he stands up and writes a prescription, hands it over and says: "Takes these pills, if you're not feeling better in a few days I'm afraid we have to put you down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pxqme/a_veterinarian_goes_to_see_a_doctor/
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My friend was bleeding profusely and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away he was going to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pxmio/my_friend_was_bleeding_profusely_and_the_first/
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An african zoologist moves to Rural Alabama. One day, a farmer knocks on the door, behind him is his wife, holding a black baby...

Immediatly, the farmer grabs the zoologist by his collar and yells "Now you see here! See that kid over there! I've got Nine kids and they aaall white. And alla' sudden, this one comes out black! And you the only black man in a 300 mile radius, mind explaining that one to me?"
The zoologist re-adjusts his collar nervously, before noticing a herd of goats across the road outside his house. He quickly leads the farmer over to the fence, pointing out to the heard as he explains:
"See that herd of goats over there? All of them are deep brown or black, except that one over there.-" He pointed at a single white goat standing outside the herd. "-God only knows when a white goat is born, it is one of the many mysteries of Nature and Biology."
After a moment of thought, the farmer grabs the Zoologist's collar again, pulling him down far enough to whisper to him.
"Listen, I won't tell anyone about the black baby... and you shut up about the white goat, okay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pxlxy/an_african_zoologist_moves_to_rural_alabama_one/
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There is a box in the office closet with a ton of envelopes. It's blocking the door from opening all the way. I asked the manager to get it out of the way and he scoffed "yeah right - you try it"....

I couldn't budge it. For such a small box it was unbelievably heavy.
Then it dawned on me - it was stationary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pxhou/there_is_a_box_in_the_office_closet_with_a_ton_of/
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What do you call a mountaintop guarded by rogues?

A sneak peak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pxg2p/what_do_you_call_a_mountaintop_guarded_by_rogues/
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Why do some people like being choked during sex?

Because it is breathtakingly good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pxdsl/why_do_some_people_like_being_choked_during_sex/
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Another Soviet Joke

In the late 1980s, Mikhail Gorbachev, tried to curb alcoholism deaths by limiting the times and places vodka was sold, resulting in huge lines.
One man, in line for vodka,  says " I can't take this,  save my place, I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate Gorbachev.", and he trudges off into the twilight.
In 25 minutes he appears out of the night and resumes his place in line.  The man behind him asks "So, did you kill Gorby?".
"No.  THAT LINE was longer than THIS LINE, so I came back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9px9lv/another_soviet_joke/
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What's the difference between Henry VIII and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after three hos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9px770/whats_the_difference_between_henry_viii_and_santa/
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At a deli for lunch yesterday. . .

I had this strange feeling come over me that I had tasted the mustard before.  I think that's dijon vu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9px72d/at_a_deli_for_lunch_yesterday/
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I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car...

...when i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9px5tq/i_remember_once_when_my_dad_gave_me_money_to_pay/
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Three prisoners in a Gulag are talking about what they did to get sent there.

"I would always get to work late," says the first, "so they accused me of sabotage."
"I would always get to work early," says the second, "so they accused me of espionage."
"I would always get to work exactly on time," says the third, "so they accused me of buying a Western alarm clock on the black market."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9px4fi/three_prisoners_in_a_gulag_are_talking_about_what/
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I think I have a bad posture...

But it's just a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9px4dn/i_think_i_have_a_bad_posture/
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What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

Iron Man stops the villains but Aluminum Man just foils their plans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9px227/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and/
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One day a woman had 100 children...

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9px1k9/one_day_a_woman_had_100_children/
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So I picked up this girl the other day...

...and the body bag was pretty heavy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pwx5k/so_i_picked_up_this_girl_the_other_day/
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Imagine if you could use wood for breast implants

That would be great, wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pwsnz/imagine_if_you_could_use_wood_for_breast_implants/
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Sign at a nudist camp:

Sorry - Clothed for winter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pwpua/sign_at_a_nudist_camp/
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I would never hire a woman.

Would be way too much trouble to calculate 78% of a normal salary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pwp8u/i_would_never_hire_a_woman/
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Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

Because 6, 7 8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pwmjg/why_was_yoda_afraid_of_7/
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The man who invented autocorrect has died.

May he roast in piss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pwlk1/the_man_who_invented_autocorrect_has_died/
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What's invisible and smells like a carrot?

A bunny fart!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pwivc/whats_invisible_and_smells_like_a_carrot/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pwez5/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pwet7/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 had a crush on 7 ever since middle school, but couldnt build up the courage to ask her out. His friends 8 and 9 pushed him to ask her out to prom, and she said yes. They fell in love and got married, 6 got a job as an electrician and 7 played as the house wife. They had 2 beautiful twin girls named 4 and 5, they liked to play hide and seek in the back yard a lot together. But 6 was getting stressed out because he couldnt pay his bills which caused him to drink, he started to get distant from his own family. 6 started taking it out on his wife and kids by beating them. One day 6 took it too far and killed 7 right in from of 4 and 5, and then called the police, and hung himself in front of his kids.4 and 5 for taken to an orphanage after that, they couldnt get the image out of their head, of their daddy beating mommy and hanging himself afterwards without a thought of his own kids. A lot of the kids in the orphanage didnt like 4 and 5, they made fun of them for having weird names, all that they had was each other. One of the top dog orphanes, 17, started pushing around 4, 5 tried to step in and protect her twin sister, but he was too strong and threw her out of the way. 17 began to tear off 4's pants as she cried and flayed, and then began to unbutton his own pants. A huge member came out of his trousers, in the shape of a 7, and stuck it inside 4's 0. 5 flailed her arms on 17's back crying for him to stop, but he threw his arm towards 5, causing a deep red gash on her forehead, she was knocked out. 17 began to take his hands and cover them over 4's mouth and nose, leaving her unable to breathe, and then faded to a darkness. 17 was given a life sentence in a high facility prison for the murder of 2 girls.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pwer2/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pwe3o/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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When one door closes, another always opens...

...man, I really need to get this car fixed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pwc5a/when_one_door_closes_another_always_opens/
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I recently found out I have a predisposition to diarrhea.

It runs in my jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pwa2o/i_recently_found_out_i_have_a_predisposition_to/
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Ron and I are teaming up for a 3 member mission

Harry: Ron and I are teaming up for a 3 member mission, and are looking for a second person, would you like to join us?
Hermione: Uhh... Do you mean a third person?
Harry: Ron is 3rd person, I is first person, you is second person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pw9vq/ron_and_i_are_teaming_up_for_a_3_member_mission/
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What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard's neckbeard?

M'stache

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pw9e8/what_do_you_get_when_you_shave_off_a_neckbeards/
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An elderly man goes to his bank to get a loan.

The associate, a long time friend of his, greets him with a hearty handshake and asks him what the loan is for.
The man replies, "Well, I'm getting a mail-order bride, and I'd like to upgrade my ranch for her arrival."
"Well, how old will your bride be?"
"She'll be 23 when she gets here."
The associate thinks on this for a moment, and says, "You know, you might want to consider getting yourself a ranch hand. Your bride is young, she'll want to do stuff, and you don't want to burden her with ranch work." The man agrees, takes the loan and leaves.
A couple of months later, the man goes back to the bank to visit his friend. His friend sees him and goes to talk to him.
He says "Hey, how's the ranch doing? How's your bride?"
The man says, "Oh, the ranch is doing great. And she's pregnant!"
The associate says, "Wow, that's great? And the ranch hand?"
And the man replies, "Well, wouldn't you know it, she's pregnant too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pw9bs/an_elderly_man_goes_to_his_bank_to_get_a_loan/
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What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file?

"Do you want to save those changes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pw40y/what_message_does_a_quantumcomputer_return_when/
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A broken car is pretty much communist,

It keeps Stalin, I keep Putin my foot on the gas, but it won't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pvrip/a_broken_car_is_pretty_much_communist/
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What do you call a section of a circle that ascends to heaven?

An arcangle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pvpyz/what_do_you_call_a_section_of_a_circle_that/
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What's Spidermans side job?

Web developer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pvl3a/whats_spidermans_side_job/
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There's two sort of people I hate in the world :

Those who can't spell and hippochrittes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pvktc/theres_two_sort_of_people_i_hate_in_the_world/
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My girlfriends dog just died so I got her an identical one.

Now she's got two dead dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pvkqh/my_girlfriends_dog_just_died_so_i_got_her_an/
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We got my dad the best cremation money could buy.

He urned it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pvjd1/we_got_my_dad_the_best_cremation_money_could_buy/
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A hunter goes to the woods

One day a hunter goes in the woods to hunt bears, sees one walking by and BOOM! Shot the bear down. He goes to check if the bear is dead and starts his celebration dance. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and sees a huge bear. "You've made a big mistake Jake" at which the hunter is shocked "wait, you're a bear! How can you talk? And how do you know my name?" "Well we bears know many things. Now though, you killed a relative of mine, but I'm not evil, so I'll give you a choice: I can either kill you, or I can screw you up your bum, your choice". Between a rock and a hard place, Jake chooses the second.
After the business is done, he stays for a week in the hospital, raging over his experience, and decides to go back to the woods and take his revenge.
Hospital time over, he heads back to the woods to kill the bear, sees him and BOOM BOOM! Two shots and the bear goes down. He goes to the carcass and dances on the body. And then, to his horror, he feels a tap on his shoulder. "Well Jake, you've made another mistake" said the huge grizzly right behind him "now choose, I can either kill you right he..." "Yeah yeah I know, I'll go with the second" and goes back to the hospital for two weeks, and again rages over the whole experience, and again resolved to take his revenge"
Two weeks go by and back Jake goes to the woods, searching for revenge. After a couple of hours he sees the grizzly and BOOM BOOM BOOM! Down goes the grizzly. Happy once again Jake goes to the carcass, but yet again, to his horror, he feels a tap on his shoulder
"Jake, are you sure you come to the woods to hunt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pvi6j/a_hunter_goes_to_the_woods/
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The children began to identify the colours by their colour:

Red -> Raspberry
Yellow -> Lemon
Green -> Lime
Orange -> Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured candy. None of them could identify the taste.
The teacher said: ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may call your father’
One little girl looked up in horror, spat out her candy and shouted ‘Oh God, they’re assholes!!’
The teacher had to leave the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pvf5u/the_children_began_to_identify_the_colours_by/
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I’m A Great Help to the LGBT+ Community

I’ve helped girls realize they’re actually lesbians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pvchu/im_a_great_help_to_the_lgbt_community/
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Three inmates in Communist Eastern Germany are comparing their stories.

The first one says: "I always showed up to work 5 minutes late, so they booked me for sabotage".
The second explains: "I always showed up 5 minutes early, so they booked me for espionage."
The last one says: "I was always on time, and that's when they realized my watch is from West Germany."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pvbru/three_inmates_in_communist_eastern_germany_are/
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Wanna hear something that'll make you smile?

Your face muscles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pvb64/wanna_hear_something_thatll_make_you_smile/
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Isn't it weird that KFC is one letter away from fuck?

New slogan: KFC, all that's missing is U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pva59/isnt_it_weird_that_kfc_is_one_letter_away_from/
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Why do bees stay in their hive in Winter?

Swarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pv8g7/why_do_bees_stay_in_their_hive_in_winter/
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What did the client say to the server?

I GET you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pv7yf/what_did_the_client_say_to_the_server/
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The cops caught me having sex with a clock in public....

Looks like I'm doing time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pv6io/the_cops_caught_me_having_sex_with_a_clock_in/
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I just won the $1.6 billion lottery, and I decided to donate a quarter to charity.

I now have $1,599,999,999.75.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pv6df/i_just_won_the_16_billion_lottery_and_i_decided/
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Besides their last name, what does Wiz Khalifa and the Burj Khalifa have in common?

They're the highest things on this planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pv2t2/besides_their_last_name_what_does_wiz_khalifa_and/
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Two cows are chillin in a barn and one says...

"Are you afraid of that mad cow disease?" Cow #2 responds "Why the f*ck would I care, I'm a squirrel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pv23x/two_cows_are_chillin_in_a_barn_and_one_says/
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My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake.

I'm on a work trip and I just texted her "having a wonderful time, wish you were her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pv1el/my_wifes_gonna_leave_me_because_of_a_spelling/
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I was taking a shower, and I heard this really loud, obnoxious singing near my shoulder.

It was a soap opera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9puzfb/i_was_taking_a_shower_and_i_heard_this_really/
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Voices

A man worked his whole adult life on an assembly line. Day in, day out, same boring thing. Then one day in the middle of his mind numbing shift he hears a little voice whisper: "*Quit your job, sell your house and belongings, take the money,go to Vegas."*   He was startled, but shook it off and went back to work. Next day same thing, the voice was back, a little louder: " *Quit your job, sell your house and belongings, take the money, go to Vegas!"*  Very startled this time, he tried to put the voice out of his head, but kept thinking about it all day. The next day the voice was back first thing: "*Quit your job, sell your house and belongings, take the money, go to Vegas!!"*  The voice repeated this every hour all day. Now the guy was convinced it was fate speaking to him so at the end of his shift he quit his job. The next day he sold his house, sold all his belongings, took the cash, packed a bag and flew to Las  Vegas. The wheels no sooner hit the ground when the voice was back. "*Go to Caesar's  Palace"*  He jumps in a cab and goes to Caesars. As soon as his foot hits the ground the voice says: "*Go to the roulette table"* Excited now, he goes to the roulette table. The voice says: "*Put it all on black 13"*  The dealer spins the wheel and the ball lands on red 22. The voice says: "SHIT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pux5i/voices/
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How do flat earthers travel the world?

on a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9puvm1/how_do_flat_earthers_travel_the_world/
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A man calls a tiler ... (old East Germany joke)

... "Hi! I'd like some bathroom tiles repaired please. When can you come?"
Tiler: "Next appointment is in 8 years."
Man: "Oh, OK, I take it."
Tiler: "Morning or Afternoon?"
(This is the type of joke that went around in communist countries like Eastern Europe. Tradesmen were phenomenally hard to get hold of unless you were high up in the communist part hierarchy)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9puv1p/a_man_calls_a_tiler_old_east_germany_joke/
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I just lost my mood ring.

I don't know how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9puuqx/i_just_lost_my_mood_ring/
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Just thought up this one: How did the cloning subject feel?

Beside himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pus6m/just_thought_up_this_one_how_did_the_cloning/
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A man visits New York

After a 6 hour flight he lands on John F. Kennedy International Airport, and gets a cab to a nearby pub.
Entering the pub he sees two odd things, there is a Horse partially behind some curtain, and a large bowl filled with money at the bar it self.
He walks over to the barkeep and asks what's the deal with the horse and money, and he responds "For 20 dollars, if you can make that horse laugh, you get all the money" the man thought for a moment, and removed a crispy 20 dollar bill from his wallet and put it in the pot.
He walked behind the curtain, and after a few minutes the horse started laughing, the man stepped out, took the money, and bid the barkeep adieu. With this amount of money, the man could vacation in New York in style.
Three weeks later he returned, the horse was laughing still, but the bowl of money was fuller then before.
Once again he asked the barkeep what was the deal with the horse and money, and the barkeep helpfully responded "Well, the horse have not stopped laughing, he even giggles in his sleep, so i made a competition much like the one you won a month prior, If you can make the horse cry, the money is yours. Entrance fee of 20 dollars" the man thought about it for a moment, and pulled 20 crumpled up dollar bills out of his pocket, and put it into the pot.
The man walked behind the curtain, and the Horse began laughing harder then ever before, and suddenly silence. The barkeep got worried for a second, did he kill the horse? A few seconds ticked by, and the sound of a broken ~~man~~ horse, along with the floodworks began, and the horse was crying as if you had slaughtered his entire family in front of him.
The man came out from behind the curtains and took the money "Wait!" shouted the barkeep before the man could leave. "How did you make the horse laugh in the first place?" the man stopped, and walked back to the barkeep "Oh, well that was simple, I just told him I have a bigger dick then you." the barkeep was stunned for a moment, "Then... How? ...Did you make him cry?" the man grinned "I just dropped my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9purai/a_man_visits_new_york/
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What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin, where did I park the Batmobile?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pup37/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
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Caitlyn Jenners ghost...would she be

Trans-parent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9puo6k/caitlyn_jenners_ghostwould_she_be/
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I’m a social vegan

I avoid meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9punlu/im_a_social_vegan/
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Did you hear about the gay ghosts?

They gave each other the willies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9puk7n/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_ghosts/
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Someone sneezes during Stalin's speech.

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?"
Silence.
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?"
No answer.
"Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too.
"Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you, Comrade!" and resumes his speech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pui5j/someone_sneezes_during_stalins_speech/
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A hunter would know . . .

On a Saturday morning, a hunter got up early, put on his long johns, dressed quietly, made his lunch, grabbed his shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.  He pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. Then he cuddled up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pugvs/a_hunter_would_know/
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I phoned the government, and asked what precautions they had taken against a Dalek invasion.

They told me steps had been put in place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9puf69/i_phoned_the_government_and_asked_what/
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How do you call a dog with no legs?

You don’t call it, you go get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pudbc/how_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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A sandwich walk up to a bar and sits down.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve food here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pu9zc/a_sandwich_walk_up_to_a_bar_and_sits_down/
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What do you call a sausage that can't walk?

A sausage roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pu9ar/what_do_you_call_a_sausage_that_cant_walk/
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pu88w/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger kill all the bugs in his house?

He’s an exTerminator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pu7h7/why_did_arnold_schwarzenegger_kill_all_the_bugs/
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WWE is postponing their upcoming event in Saudi Arabia until December.

And they are changing the name of the event to December to Dismember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pu6sr/wwe_is_postponing_their_upcoming_event_in_saudi/
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What makes 9 out of 10 people happy?

Gang rape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pu3o2/what_makes_9_out_of_10_people_happy/
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A man goes into a barbershop for a shave and a hair cut.

The man sits down and the barber lathers him up for his shave. The barber hands the man a little wooden ball and says “Put this in your cheek so it’s stretches the skin.” The man chuckles and asks “What happens if I swallow it?” To which the barber replies “Just bring it back tomorrow. At least that’s what the last guy did.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ptsj7/a_man_goes_into_a_barbershop_for_a_shave_and_a/
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My doctor gave me my test results

Looks like all those years of phone sex finally caught up with me.
Now I have hearing AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ptp54/my_doctor_gave_me_my_test_results/
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Lovers Lane

A cop is patrolling lovers lane looking for some sneak and peek when he comes upon this car sitting in a wooded spot.
He sneaks up on the car and sees a young girl sitting in the back seat playing on her phone and a guy sitting in the front seat playing on his. he asks them both how old are they and what are they doing out so late.
the girl says "I'm 17 and tomorrow is my birthday and I'm just playing on my phone
the guy says he "I'm 26 and I'm just waiting.
"waiting for what?" the cop asks.
"midnight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ptntc/lovers_lane/
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A Saudi man wanted to divorce his wife... She had one condition

The papers to be submitted at the Embassy in Istanbul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ptnh3/a_saudi_man_wanted_to_divorce_his_wife_she_had/
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Dad, I can't sleep.

dad: "Why not?"
kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"
dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes!"
kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ptmr7/dad_i_cant_sleep/
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An electrical bunny was arrested

It was charged with battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ptmi3/an_electrical_bunny_was_arrested/
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What's billboard short for?

William Board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ptk3h/whats_billboard_short_for/
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I'm hiring a group of time travellers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.

If you're interested, interview was yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ptk1r/im_hiring_a_group_of_time_travellers_to_come_on/
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How do you punish Helen Keller?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ptgw3/how_do_you_punish_helen_keller/
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I used to be heavily addicted to soap...

Don’t worry, I’m clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ptghp/i_used_to_be_heavily_addicted_to_soap/
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Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ptget/why_do_mathematicians_confuse_halloween_with/
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I went to the gents barbers today and he asked me "Do you want your hair cut around the back?"

I said "Nah buddy, in here is fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pte6p/i_went_to_the_gents_barbers_today_and_he_asked_me/
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What do you call a disabled person during a zombie apocalypse?

Meals on wheels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ptdvl/what_do_you_call_a_disabled_person_during_a/
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Reverse Pick-Up Lines

1. Girl are you a newspaper? Cause there’s a new fucking issue with you everyday
2. Oh my God, you're so funny ... looking.
3. Excuse me sir, are you the moon? Because I need you 238,000 miles away from me.
4. Are you a tree? Cause i when i see you i think ‘Leave’
5. Are you from Tennessee? Cause you’re missing a few teeth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pt7fr/reverse_pickup_lines/
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A man decides to ride his horse into Montana.

So the man decides to quit his job, and ride his horse into Montana, now he just wanted to go to ride, just the feeling of being free, as did his horse, and they created a great inseparable bond. But one day they're caught by a group of native Americans and they seize the man and his horse. They decided to put the man to death, but it is tradition to grant them 3 last wishes. They tie him up and they tell the man this and he says "my first wish is to speak to my horse" and they looked at each other, and said okay. They bring him his horse and he whispers something in the horses ear and the horse rides off into the sunset, and comes back with a beautiful naked woman on his back. The natives are happy, laughing, and then they ask him for his next wish, the man says, "let me speak to my horse again." This time they do not hesitate, they give him his horse, he whispers to the horse and the horse rides off into the distance and comes back with a beautiful naked woman on his back, the natives are laughing and telling stories. They ask the man what his last wish is, the man says, "let me speak to my horse again, but this time untie me," they hesitate for a moment. but decided to grant his wish, they untie him and he start beating the crap out of the horse screaming, "I SAID POSSE."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pt607/a_man_decides_to_ride_his_horse_into_montana/
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The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pt5es/the_worlds_worst_impressionist_walks_into_a_bar/
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I now call my sister a B instead of a bitch

Now my daughter is the B's niece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pt5ef/i_now_call_my_sister_a_b_instead_of_a_bitch/
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The longest joke of all time

It is a dark and stormy night. A man, let's call him Markus, has been driving on a treacherous mountain road, when his car breaks down. He steps out of his car and opens the hood, hoping to find the source of the problem, but to no avail. Not wanting to sleep in his car, he decides to hike up the rest of the mountain, to find refuge at the monastery located just below the peak.
He arrives at the gate, and brings his fist up for a heavy knock, when an old and small, yet somewhat powerful monk pulls away the doors.
"Welcome, young man. We don't have much, but we offer you all we can. Serve yourself hot soup and a glass of our wine, and you will find lodging for the night."
Markus eats a bowl of soup, his stomach delighted by the flavours; he drinks the wine, having never tasted such rich oaken wine.
At last, he falls asleep in the bed provided to him, but not for long. In the dead of night, he wakes up to a strange sound, stranger than anything he has ever heard. He tried for an hour to identify where it was coming from, or even what it might be, but to no avail. Eventually, exhaustion got the better of him, and he fell asleep once more.
In the morning, he ate breakfast with the monks, still thinking about the sound he heard at night. Too curious to keep quiet, he asked the monk who had opened the door if he knew anything about the phenomenon. Within instants, the hall grew silent.
"Markus, I know the sound of which you speak, but I cannot tell you anything about it, for you are not a monk"
"Well," Markus replied, still itching to know the source, "How would I become a monk?"
"You must walk every mountain of this region, learning their moods as well as your own. You must see every star in the sky, and gain their knowledge over the world. Lastly, you must rest your head on the bosom of the earth, and feel her heart beat against yours."
Markus nodded, and continued to eat his food. Thanking the monks for their help, he made his way home. But that was not the last the monks would see of him.
Six years later, a knock once again came from the monasteries gates. The monk opened the door to a man unrecognisable. Markus had grown a scraggly beard, longer hair, and his skin has darkened from years in the outdoors.
"I have walked every mountain and learned their moods, I have seen every star and gained all their knowledge, and I have rested my head on the bosom of the earth, and felt her heart beat against my own"
The monks gathered, to welcome Markus into their ranks. He received a cleansing shower, a new tunic, and a bed to rest in.
At night, Markus lay awake, wondering if that sound he had heard all those years ago would occur again, and just the moment he was about to fall asleep, the sound pertruded into his mind.
At breakfast, Markus readied himself to ask the other monks about the phenomenon, but before he could say a word, he was asked to get up.
"Markus, my brother, we know why you have returned to this sanctum. Follow, and you will find the answer to all of your questions."
Astounded, Markus swallowed his food, and went to follow the monk up a rocky path. Finally, they arrived at a large door, taller than the tallest man Markus had ever seen.
"From here, you must go alone, Markus, and discover your purpose."
Solemnly, Markus admired the heavy oak door, seeing each grain of every plank, the simple elegance of the carpentry. Slowly, he pushed open the door, to enter a large hall, lit by torches. He entered, not daring to look back, and stepped into the half dark. At the end of the hall, he could very faintly see a second, slightly smaller door. This one was made from ivory, white and pure, engraved with a story too ancient for Markus to read. Pushing through, he arrived in what appeared to be an identical hall, empty, with no sign of anyone having entered it in millennia. Once again, he saw yet another door. From afar, it appeared to be crafted from a white wood, sculpted into the most elusive shapes. But approaching it, Markus saw that each shape was actually an individual bone, and that the entire door was made from human skeletons, arranged in a way for them to hold their shape even under the stress of being swung open.
Markus pushed on, only to find another hall, followed by another door, and so on, each door more marvelous than the last, and each hall more plain and any before it. Eventually, after what seemed like another six years had passed, Markus came across a door like any other door. Simply made from pine wood, proportioned like any suburban door. There was nothing special whatsoever about this door, but somehow Markus knew that behind this door was the source of the sound he had been searching for for so long.
And so he opened the door, and saw with great relief that he had found his answers. He had finally found the source. But I cannot tell you what it was, for you are not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pt1x9/the_longest_joke_of_all_time/
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Where do marsupials go for vacation?

KOALA Lumpur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pt18o/where_do_marsupials_go_for_vacation/
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Orion's belt is a huge waist of space.

Terrible joke, only 3 stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pt0ak/orions_belt_is_a_huge_waist_of_space/
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What's the difference between a terrorist base and a children's hospital?

I don't know, they just pay me to fly the drones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9psz6q/whats_the_difference_between_a_terrorist_base_and/
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I'm really sick of everyone saying Republicans don't care about minorities...

They're the only ones looking out for the 1%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9psw00/im_really_sick_of_everyone_saying_republicans/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a full glass of beer, the second orders half a
glass, the third orders a quarter of a glass, and so on.
Finally, getting frustrated, the bartender pours two beers and says, "Whoa,
whoa, slow down. You guys need to learn your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9psudv/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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A young girl goes up to her dad and says

"Why did you name me Lily?", to which he responds "Because a lily fell on your head when you were born."
Her sister comes up and asks "Dad, why did you name me Rose?", so he replies "Because a rose fell on your head when you were born."
Their sister, Piano then runs over and asks "AHBAGJGGAAKHAHAJM."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pstsy/a_young_girl_goes_up_to_her_dad_and_says/
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Recently I keep getting hit on at work.

Turns out professional boxing is a lot harder than it looks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pskgd/recently_i_keep_getting_hit_on_at_work/
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I'm addicted to freezing birds

I wanna quit cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9psice/im_addicted_to_freezing_birds/
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In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"
"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ps9ky/in_a_prison_two_inmates_are_comparing_notes_old/
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I named my penis police

It’s the police, OPEN UP!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ps0ok/i_named_my_penis_police/
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A man goes to bakery

I need a cake for my wife's lap dog.
Baker: ok, are you gonna have it here or pack it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ps0m9/a_man_goes_to_bakery/
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What do you call a hundred politicians at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9przh3/what_do_you_call_a_hundred_politicians_at_the/
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A proposal was sent for arranged marriage.

The girl's parents said "we don't like your son."
Guy's parents: we don't like him either, but what can we do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9prshn/a_proposal_was_sent_for_arranged_marriage/
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What sound does Stalin make when he drinks?

Gulag Gulag Gulag Gulag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9prq0p/what_sound_does_stalin_make_when_he_drinks/
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Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"
Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the main area again.  He points his gun at one of the nurses and shouts "You! Come over here, and open this door."  She walks over, trembling profusely, and keys in the number on the door.  The gunman say "Alright,  grab a tray of the most recent donations and bring them to the nearest desk"  After the panicking nurse does so, he makes one further demand: "Drink up!"
"E-e-Excuse me?"
"These are today's donations, right?  Well, open up one of the tubes, and drink it!"
Still shaking, she takes off the lid of the tube, and pours it down her throat.
"Again."
She slowly opens another one, and repeats the action, shivering.
"A third time.  Don't hesitate"
The nurse hurriedly does it again.  The gunman takes of his mask and says  "See Honey?  It's not that hard now, is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9prpiw/sperm_bank_robbery/
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One freind is telling the other a joke

"There are to people on a boat pete and repeat, pete falls of whose still on the boat?"
"repeat"
"There are to people on a boat pete and repeat, pete falls of whose still on the boat?"
"repeat"
"There are to people on a boat pete and repeat, pete falls of whose still on the boat?"
"Shut up Steve, if i wanted to hear the same joke over and over again i would just subscribe to r/jokes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9prmxs/one_freind_is_telling_the_other_a_joke/
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What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino?

Hell if I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9prc5o/what_do_you_call_a_cross_between_an_elephant_and/
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Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her "What are you suppose to be?"
She said, "Puss in boots."
So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, "Who the fuck are you suppose to be?"
I said, "If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pr5o7/me_and_my_girlfriend_were_going_to_a_halloween/
%
Why do Chinese kids hate football?

Because they spend 12 hours making them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pr5lr/why_do_chinese_kids_hate_football/
%
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said in order to have inner peace in our lives we should always finish what we started...

Since we all need more calm in our lives I looked around my house until I found things I hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of merlot, a bottle of chardonnay, a boddle of baileys, a buttle of wum the raminder of valiuminum scriptins and a box of choclutz.....Yu haz no idr how fabuluz i fel rite nowww.send this to all yur frenz who need inner piss an telum yu luvum..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pr576/im_passing_this_on_because_it_worked_for_me_today/
%
An impotent man robs a sperm bank

and the judge tells him he has to replace what he's stolen, or else he'll go to jail.  Thinking he's doomed, the man turns to his lawyer.
"Don't worry," says the lawyer, "I'm sure I can get you off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pr3a0/an_impotent_man_robs_a_sperm_bank/
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A young Italian couple were just married...

The year was 1901 and a young couple was just married in a small town in Italy.  They were staying at the brides parents house, as it was customary for the first few days while their living situation was sorted out.  The mother was making a delicious red sauce when the bride decided she would join her husband in bed for the first time.
Once she was in the bedroom her husband took his shirt off.  This was the first time she had ever seen a man without a shirt.  He was hairy as a sasquatch.  This scared the woman and she ran down stairs to her mom.  "Momma, Momma." she cried. "Antonio, He's got a hairy chest momma, Hairy chest."  The mother replied, "It's okay baby.  A hairy chest is a good man.  Your father has a hairy chest, is a good man."
She went back to bed again.  Antonio then removes his trousers and once again she is frightened by the fact that his legs are just as hairy as his chest.  Back down stairs she runs again where she sees her momma stirring the red sauce.  "Momma, Momma, Antonio, He's a hairy from head to toes momma."  Once again momma comforts her. "Is okay baby.  means he is a strong man.  The hairier the stronger. Go back to bed baby"
Finally she is ready to lay down when Antonio pulls his socks off.  He has 5 toes on one foot and 3 on the other.  This scared her even more.  She jumps out of bed and runs down stairs again yelling until she finds momma still stirring the red sauce.  "Momma Momma, Antonio.  Antonio has a foot and a half momma."  The mother looks at her with wide eyes, she hands her the spoon from the red sauce and says.... "This looks like a job for momma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pr10t/a_young_italian_couple_were_just_married/
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When I asked my mom if by any chance I was adopted...

She replied, "That's hilarious! Why on earth would we have chosen you!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pr0qw/when_i_asked_my_mom_if_by_any_chance_i_was_adopted/
%
Cyclops: Hun, how do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: (biting lip).. I think you need 2 'i's.
Cyclops: (puts pen down)...You think my life is just a fucking joke to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pqxhq/cyclops_hun_how_do_you_spell_hawaii/
%
How do you hide a dead body?

Please help the police are almost her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pqsz4/how_do_you_hide_a_dead_body/
%
Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can't stand fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pqrvb/why_do_the_french_like_to_eat_snails_so_much/
%
Trump is NOT a baby.

A baby wets its own bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pqmor/trump_is_not_a_baby/
%
Sick and tired of all these entitled millennials

Walking around like they rent the place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pqmi0/sick_and_tired_of_all_these_entitled_millennials/
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My dad wakes in and asked me what you get when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question

And then he left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pqm55/my_dad_wakes_in_and_asked_me_what_you_get_when/
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"HEY, is that a rare T-Rex fossil leg?

"Nope, fossil arm"
Pronounced false alarm. Nobody got it last time and I think it's good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pql7n/hey_is_that_a_rare_trex_fossil_leg/
%
I always get the last laugh

Because no one else laughs at my jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pqjxu/i_always_get_the_last_laugh/
%
Whatever you do, please don't vaccinate your kids!

Get a doctor to do that you pickle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pqgr9/whatever_you_do_please_dont_vaccinate_your_kids/
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My father is the strongest, most stoic person I've ever met. I've never seen him cry in my life even when he was fighting cancer. I took him to the dentist and when he's done he came out weeping like a baby. I asked him, "Dad, what happened?"

And he said, "The dentist gave me fillings."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pqfbb/my_father_is_the_strongest_most_stoic_person_ive/
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Every “yo momma” joke has been done a thousand times

Kinda like yo mamma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pqbjc/every_yo_momma_joke_has_been_done_a_thousand_times/
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To the person who hacked my Reddit account:

I will find you, and I will kill you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pqafa/to_the_person_who_hacked_my_reddit_account/
%
What do ants dress up as on Halloween?

Exoskeletons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pq699/what_do_ants_dress_up_as_on_halloween/
%
9 out of 10 doctors agree

The other guy should really chill the fuck out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pq41y/9_out_of_10_doctors_agree/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pq3y7/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
What's the most vague job title in the army?

A general

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pq1be/whats_the_most_vague_job_title_in_the_army/
%
Can February March?

No, but April May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ppzvb/can_february_march/
%
“Doctor, my wife was admitted to this hospital with violent butt spasms. Can you tell me where she is now?”

Doctor: “ICU baby, shaking that ass!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ppzlb/doctor_my_wife_was_admitted_to_this_hospital_with/
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When I said I could tell jokes, everybody laughed at me...

They're not laughing now though!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ppxn1/when_i_said_i_could_tell_jokes_everybody_laughed/
%
Why do bees stay in their hive during winter

Swarm...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ppwhf/why_do_bees_stay_in_their_hive_during_winter/
%
He's so smart, he's like a walking, talking...

Stephen Hawking
*^-Jimmy ^Carr*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ppveb/hes_so_smart_hes_like_a_walking_talking/
%
What type of crime does a bird commit?

Breaking and enter-wing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ppulv/what_type_of_crime_does_a_bird_commit/
%
Eating on a train is way faster than eating normally

You only have to chew twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pppjx/eating_on_a_train_is_way_faster_than_eating/
%
Where do ghosts store their data?

On their terrorbyte hard drives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pppe9/where_do_ghosts_store_their_data/
%
Mocking anti-vaxxers on the internet these days is like unvaccinated children

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ppju7/mocking_antivaxxers_on_the_internet_these_days_is/
%
Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ppify/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_constipated/
%
My girlfriend asked me the other day how difficult I thought it would be to raise a kid.

Apparently “it can’t be worse than living with you for 18 years” wasn’t the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ppasq/my_girlfriend_asked_me_the_other_day_how/
%
A good party/bar joke that doesn't work well in Reddit format.

So, this doesn't work here, but I figured I'd post it as it's a good joke to have in the bag for when you're with a group of friends, or as an icebreaker at a bar or gathering or something. It's the long-story format, so you can adlib as much as you like to extend it a bit, but I'll give the framework.
You identify the person you want to execute the joke on, and learn their name if you don't know it. It works best if everyone there also knows that person's name. They'll be the target.
Begin: Three men have been best friends their entire lives, and after their 60yr doctor checkups, all find out they have terminal -insert illness here-. (I usually go with ass cancer, but obv depends on your audience). They find out they all only have a few months to live.
Sitting around drinking, they decide that they need to do something with their lives so that they can be remembered forever.
I've got it! Says the first friend. Let's all try and get into the Guinness book of world records! I've got (pick a body part) really long arms, maybe the longest in the world, I'll submit that!
The second guy thinks a bit, and says "hey yeah, I've got a huge nose! Maybe it's the longest in the world, I'll submit that!"
Third guy thinks for a really long time. Finally, he sadly admits "well... I've got a tiny, tiny penis. Maybe it's the smallest penis in the world. I guess I'll submit that."
So, they send off their applications and wait. A few weeks pass, and they get back together because the new edition finally arrived.
Shaking with anticipation, the second guy says "go on! Open it, let's see if we made history!"
First guy slowly opens, flips to the arms section, and cheers. "Yes! I've got the longest arms in the world!"
Second guy grabs the book. "let me see!" He flips to the nose section, and shouts "Woo! I've got the biggest nose in the world!"
Last guy slowly reaches out and takes the book. He resignedly flips to the penis section, and stares at it - then suddenly, angrily shouts
"Who the fuck is (your target's name)??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pp3oc/a_good_partybar_joke_that_doesnt_work_well_in/
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Q: How do you know you’re leading a sad life?

A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let’s just be friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pozv5/q_how_do_you_know_youre_leading_a_sad_life/
%
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.

During  the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them  possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It’s hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.
"Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises ?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother?" the doctor asked. "You idiot, women don’t have penises!"
"I  know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it  came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she  could."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9poz42/two_brothers_enlisting_in_the_army_were_getting/
%
What are two blondes fighting over, on a motorcycle?

Over which one gets the window seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9poxme/what_are_two_blondes_fighting_over_on_a_motorcycle/
%
I quit my job at the helium factory today.

I simply refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pow0o/i_quit_my_job_at_the_helium_factory_today/
%
What did the pumpkin do when he ripped his pants?

He sewed on a pumpkin patch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9potyp/what_did_the_pumpkin_do_when_he_ripped_his_pants/
%
A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on a desert island ...

... and all they have to eat are cans of food and they're discussing the best way to open them.
The physicist says, let's not overthink this - just bash them open with rocks!
The chemist says, "No, we need to create a fire anyway and we can simply use the heat to cause the cans to burst open by themselves, and the food will already be cooked!"
The economist thinks for a second and says, "First, let's assume we have a can opener."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9poq1f/a_physicist_a_chemist_and_an_economist_are/
%
A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail!  The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured.  After catching their breath they begin trying to figure out what went wrong ...
The chemical engineer says, "The car was just serviced, I'll bet they put the wrong brake fluid in and the heat in the system caused it to fail!"
The mechanical engineer says, "No, most likely the linkage between the brake pedal and the rest of the assembly broke!"
The software engineer thinks for a second and says, "Let's go back to the top of the hill and try it again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pomki/a_chemical_engineer_a_mechanical_engineer_and_a/
%
They have launched a new marijuana app up here in Canada, but it is very annoying.

It keeps sending you kush notifications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pofp2/they_have_launched_a_new_marijuana_app_up_here_in/
%
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it in water

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9poecx/you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by_putting_it/
%
A Chinese man has killed himself using Kung Fu.

It's the first known case of Chop Sueycide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9po9ku/a_chinese_man_has_killed_himself_using_kung_fu/
%
Me : I want to divorce my wife.

Lawyer : On what grounds?
Me : She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar.
Lawyer : Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating?
Me : No, she's looking for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9po7jn/me_i_want_to_divorce_my_wife/
%
My dad and I were walking towards a water fountain in our town’s square.

He pulled out two coins and handed me one saying that we should both make a wish.
We flipped our coins and, after a brief pause, he turned to me.
Dad: “Guess it didn’t work.”
Me: “Why?”
Dad: “You’re still here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9po0g4/my_dad_and_i_were_walking_towards_a_water/
%
People Say You Are What You Eat

I guess I'm an innocent man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pnzla/people_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93

when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pnv7a/arizona_bikers_were_riding_south_on_the_us93/
%
What’s the difference between a coconut and a Scotsman?

You can get a drink out of a coconut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pnt75/whats_the_difference_between_a_coconut_and_a/
%
My own terrible joke. Just came up with it.

What do you call someone who is all for graffiti?
A proTAGonist...
I await your displeasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pnqki/my_own_terrible_joke_just_came_up_with_it/
%
I don't understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.

I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pnpxe/i_dont_understand_my_wife_once_a_month_she_loses/
%
What car does Jesus Drive?

A Christler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pnpjk/what_car_does_jesus_drive/
%
I tell you, when your pee is red...

...urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pnobl/i_tell_you_when_your_pee_is_red/
%
Why does a chicken coup have two doors?

Because if it had four, it would be a sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pnloj/why_does_a_chicken_coup_have_two_doors/
%
Why do baboons have big red balls?

So they can hide in apple trees.
What's the most dangerous job in Africa?
Picking apples.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pnk1v/why_do_baboons_have_big_red_balls/
%
My wife is a sex object.

Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pngeo/my_wife_is_a_sex_object/
%
Did you know 64% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave their house.

And 90% of men kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife!!!...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pnbya/did_you_know_64_of_men_kiss_their_wives_goodbye/
%
My boss yelled at me the other day,

‘You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?
I said: ‘I can’t say - it’s too hard to keep track’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pn34y/my_boss_yelled_at_me_the_other_day/
%
An erection doesn't stop you from urinating

It just makes it hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pn1v8/an_erection_doesnt_stop_you_from_urinating/
%
how many bones are in your hand?

A handful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pmyzk/how_many_bones_are_in_your_hand/
%
One ant is fine

The rest are redundANT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pmyyv/one_ant_is_fine/
%
What does an Italian genius say to a stinky person?

Eureka!
(I'll see myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pmwo9/what_does_an_italian_genius_say_to_a_stinky_person/
%
A young boy who stutters is talking to his grandfather

He asks him, "w-why are y-y-you g-g-g-going to s-s-see the d-doctor"
The grandfather says, "I have prostate problems"
The boy says, "W-w-what's that?"
The grandfather answers, "I pee like you talk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pmw7e/a_young_boy_who_stutters_is_talking_to_his/
%
Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get some air-con"
"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"
"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"
"Yeah, I've got a mate Francis"
"Well, ask your mate Francis to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Dave asks Francis for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Francis fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.
Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Francis, who is now shagging Dave's wife.
Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"
Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Francis?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pmvo2/dave_cannot_make_his_wife_cum/
%
There are two kinds of cultists.

Those who can lead the rituals, and those who chant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pmu5q/there_are_two_kinds_of_cultists/
%
The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.

Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pmtbi/the_larger_the_feet_the_larger_the_penis_the/
%
If Vice President Al Gore was a musician.....

He could call his group “The Al Gore Rhythms”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pmplw/if_vice_president_al_gore_was_a_musician/
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Stop making fun of that overweight girl with a lisp

She's thick and tired of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pmkn9/stop_making_fun_of_that_overweight_girl_with_a/
%
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pmha0/hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
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A Mexican Magician tells audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says uno, dos....*poof*

He disappeared without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pmgtf/a_mexican_magician_tells_audience_he_will/
%
porno_collection.zip

\* sigh \* *unzips*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pmbdv/porno_collectionzip/
%
"I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language

"I do" is the longest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pm9pd/i_am_is_the_shortest_sentence_in_the_english/
%
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Dubai doesn’t like The Flintstones, while Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pm6vl/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
%
What has 6 balls and fucks poor people?

The Mega Millions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pm6ud/what_has_6_balls_and_fucks_poor_people/
%
your momma is so ugly

your dad was accused of bestiality when they conceived you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9plxyc/your_momma_is_so_ugly/
%
My math teacher invented a Bluetooth speaker, made entirely out of wood...

He called it a logarythm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9plxsp/my_math_teacher_invented_a_bluetooth_speaker_made/
%
What do Winnie the Pooh and Alexander the Great have in common?

Same middle name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9plxb4/what_do_winnie_the_pooh_and_alexander_the_great/
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A man goes to his doctor because he’s been having headaches for the last 20 years.

The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis.  “The only way to cure your headaches is castration.”  The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure.  It works, and his headaches are gone for the first time in 20 years.
He is ecstatic and decides to treat himself to some new things.  He decides the first thing he’s going to buy is a suit.  So, he goes to the finest men’s store in town and tells the tailor he wants a new suit.  The tailor says he can help and that he’s pretty good at measuring people just by looking at them. He tells the guy that he looks like he wears a 42 Regular suit.  The man remarks that the tailor was exactly right, and the suit fits perfectly.  The tailor asks him if he’d considered getting new shoes.  The man hadn’t, but decides to treat himself.  The tailor looks at the man’s feet for a second and comes back with an 11-wide shoe.  Again, a perfect fit.
Finally, the tailor asks the man if he’d like anything else, perhaps some socks or underwear.  Being as the man recently had surgery, he decided to get some new underwear.  The tailor looks at him and says that he will go get some 38 underwear.  The man laughs and says, “Ah, I’ve finally stumped you.  I wear 34 underwear.”  The tailor looks at him and reply’s, “No you don’t, if you wore 34 underwear, it would hold your testicles too close to your body, pinch the nerves, and give you headaches.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9plvxn/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor_because_hes_been_having/
%
Australian Koala and a British Prostitute

A koala bear from Australia took a holiday in London to experience a different culture. After arriving at Heathrow and getting settled in at his hotel, the koala bear decided to take a walk.
After touring Soho for a few hours he noticed several women on the side of the street strutting their stuff. The koala bear approached one of them and asked, “What are you doing?” The woman replied, “I’m a prostitute. Are you looking for a good time?” The koala bear immediately replied that he was. “Do you want sex?” the prostitute asked. “Well, I think so, I did come here to live the true London experience,” said the bear, with a grin on his face.
The prostitute grabbed the bear’s hand and directed him to her dingy flat, where they had sex. Soon after, the koala bear got out of bed and headed for the door. The prostitute shouted, “Where do you think you’re going?” The bear told her that he was done and it was time for him to go. “I’m a prostitute. You have to pay me!” she protested. The bear said with disgust, “Since when do I have to pay for sex?”
The prostitute replied, “Everyone I have sex with has to pay. It’s in the dictionary, look it up.”
The koala bear agreed to pull out a dictionary from one of her shelves to look up the word “prostitute”. It said: “A woman who has sex in exchange for money.”
The koala bear then remarked, “Okay, to make it even, why don’t you look up the word koala bear?” The prostitute grabbed the dictionary and looked up “koala bear”. The bear said, “Go ahead, read it aloud!”
The prostitute read the definition out loud: “An Australian animal that eats bush and leaves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pluh1/australian_koala_and_a_british_prostitute/
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I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears

Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9plr7c/i_called_my_son_a_bloody_disappointment_and_my/
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What do dubstep artists do when they get horny?

They wub one out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9plpvg/what_do_dubstep_artists_do_when_they_get_horny/
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Your Fibonacci name

Is your first name and second name added together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9plpnq/your_fibonacci_name/
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Two crisps were walking down the road...

And a car came by and asked if they wanted a lift. They said no, we're Walkers!
(My younger sister Kestrel asked for me to put it up here to make her famous)comment only nice things please) Thanks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9plmg1/two_crisps_were_walking_down_the_road/
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What do you call a Bee that tries to interfere with an election?

A Cagey Bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pllus/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_tries_to_interfere/
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A police officer pulled over a Lego man today...

...and when the officer asked the man if he knew why he was being stopped, the Lego man responded, "I bet it's because I'm block."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pldc2/a_police_officer_pulled_over_a_lego_man_today/
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I wipe my arse like I drive

Only stop when it's red

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9plbov/i_wipe_my_arse_like_i_drive/
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What did Barack say when Michelle left him

I’m Obama self now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9plaru/what_did_barack_say_when_michelle_left_him/
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Two dairy farmers are walking through the creamery when suddenly one of them slips and falls in a large vat of milk...

...the other one yells angrily, "get out of there, it's pasteurized!"
And the farmer in the vat shouts back, "no it's not......It's only just past my waist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pla0p/two_dairy_farmers_are_walking_through_the/
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I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.

It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pl6no/i_want_to_hear_99_people_sing_africa_by_toto/
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I asked my wife to give me a compliment and insult me at the same time

After thinking for 5 seconds, she said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pl2lp/i_asked_my_wife_to_give_me_a_compliment_and/
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What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

RUN!  SHE’S HOLDING A GRENADE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pl2ld/what_do_you_do_when_a_blonde_throws_a_pin_at_you/
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Someone has stolen the toilets from the police station

Police say they have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pl0fc/someone_has_stolen_the_toilets_from_the_police/
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Lady walks into a bar and ask for a double entendre.

So the bartender *gives it to her.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pkw9o/lady_walks_into_a_bar_and_ask_for_a_double/
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PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon"

PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you"
PIG: "Oh God, not you too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pku2s/pig_im_paranoid_everyones_trying_to_turn_me_into/
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How many normies does it take to change a light bulb?

thREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pkthm/how_many_normies_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Dr Dre may not be a real medic...

...but he has performed hundreds of hip hop orations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pkq02/dr_dre_may_not_be_a_real_medic/
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Where do Baby jokes come from?

A dad joke and a yo momma walk into a bar, knock-knock, then put a little pun in the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pkm7x/where_do_baby_jokes_come_from/
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Dentists across the country are going on strike.

Brace yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pkll3/dentists_across_the_country_are_going_on_strike/
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I came out of the closet after 10 years of hiding!

It was a very long game of hide and seek. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pkik2/i_came_out_of_the_closet_after_10_years_of_hiding/
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A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so .......

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pkh3e/a_young_blonde_woman_fears_her_husband_is_having/
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A guy walks into a bar

With both arms and a leg broken, a concussion and multiple wounds all over his body.
As he joins his friends at the table one of them asks:
-“Dude what happen to you?! You look terrible”
-“You’ll never believe it” he said. “See this broken leg? A bear did this!!”
“Wow, and your arms and head, what happened?”-another friend said
-“While running away from the bear I got run over by two wild horses and I was sent flying through the air!”
-“Damn, but how are you covered with those wounds? Those look really bad!!”
-“I landed right in front of a tiger,  and the beast figured I was its next meal”
-“Ok, that’s crazy, and how did you manage to get away with all those injuries?”
-“Get away?!!!! If the guy didn’t stop the merry-go-round I think I would be dead right now”
PS: Sorry for the poor editing, currently on mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pkeba/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why do you get aroused when you look in the mirror?

Because your dick thinks you're a pussy, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pkd67/why_do_you_get_aroused_when_you_look_in_the_mirror/
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What do a nun a vegan and a lesbian have in common

There's no meat in them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pkat0/what_do_a_nun_a_vegan_and_a_lesbian_have_in_common/
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An engineer and a mathematician.

An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.
A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied because he knows the solution exists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pkae5/an_engineer_and_a_mathematician/
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Did you know Canada doesn't have a president?

It's Trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pk9pu/did_you_know_canada_doesnt_have_a_president/
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Contractions

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital
one hand on her back. A  nurse asks her what’s wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, “Shouldn’t!  Wouldn’t! Didn’t!” The nurse shakes her head and says, “I’m sorry…I  don’t understand.” The pregnant woman’s face contorts in pain as she  shouts, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!” The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.  “Admit her,” the doctor said. “She’s having contractions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pk76q/contractions/
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How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But it takes about 8-10 visits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pk2la/how_many_chiropractors_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Your palm lines tells a lot about you...

but your Browser history tells everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pk0up/your_palm_lines_tells_a_lot_about_you/
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What type of keyboard does an octopus use?

SQWERTY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjzxg/what_type_of_keyboard_does_an_octopus_use/
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My first time buying a condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was a beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered 'No, this is my first time.'  So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.  'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me to the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.  Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties, and lay down on a desk.  'Well come on,' she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.  She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.  I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjyzx/my_first_time_buying_a_condom/
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The wife of an Asian Couple gave birth to a Caucasian child, and her husband knew she had been cheating...

...Afterall, two Wongs don't make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjxgw/the_wife_of_an_asian_couple_gave_birth_to_a/
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My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”

"You're bigger than that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjxds/my_wife_told_me_dont_get_upset_if_someone_calls/
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Two men broke into a chemist and stole all the Viagra...

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjt8t/two_men_broke_into_a_chemist_and_stole_all_the/
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[long] A guy walks into a bar....

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As he's sitting he notices a bowl filled with money standing on the counter.
Intrigued he asks the bartender what's it all about.
'You see that priclvacy screen in the corner?'
'yeah'
'Well, behind the screen there's a horse. He's dead serious. Put a tenner in the bowl, if you make him laugh the money is yours.'
Guy ponders for a while, downs the beer, puts the tenner in the bowl, stands up and goes behind the screen.
Not a minute had passed when a maniacal laughter erupts from behind the screen. Clearly the horse can barely keep it together.
The guy walks out, collects the money and leaves without a word.
Few weeks had passed, same guy walks in to the bar and orders a beer. As he sits he notices the bowl is full again so he turns to the barkeep and asks what's up.
'Since you left the horse won't stop laughing so now the bet is to make him stop.'
The guy downs the beer, puts the money in and goes in.
Again maybe a minute and suddenly there's a huge wail resounding from behind the screen followed by more anguish and sobbing.
The guy comes out, collects the money and turns for the door.
'HOLD ON!' Bartender shouts. 'First of all, how did you make him laugh so hard?'
'Easy' the guy says. 'I told him I have a bigger one than he.'
'OK' bartender say, 'but how'd you make him cry?'
'I showed him'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjsef/long_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjq1b/my_girlfriend_said_you_act_like_a_detective_too/
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Why is it hard to read the hieroglyphs inside the pyramids?

They are encrypted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjpwj/why_is_it_hard_to_read_the_hieroglyphs_inside_the/
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People under 30’s never owned a vinyl record. They don’t know what’s like.

They don’t know what’s like.
They don’t know what’s like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjodl/people_under_30s_never_owned_a_vinyl_record_they/
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I used to think that i was indecisive

But now I'm not so sure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjnnp/i_used_to_think_that_i_was_indecisive/
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I bought a hair piece for just $1...

It was but a small price toupee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjn7g/i_bought_a_hair_piece_for_just_1/
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How did the zombie ace the math quiz?

It was a no-brainer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjn56/how_did_the_zombie_ace_the_math_quiz/
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Did you hear about the wooden car with wooden tyres, wooden gears and a wooden steering wheel?

It wooden go!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjmxo/did_you_hear_about_the_wooden_car_with_wooden/
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My friend accused me of having OCD...

I soon put him back in his place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjm9f/my_friend_accused_me_of_having_ocd/
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You know, most letters of the alphabet aren't racists...

...but not z

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjk7i/you_know_most_letters_of_the_alphabet_arent/
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I asked my dad if he can say just one good thing about me.

He said "you have a lot of patience"
Before I could say thank you, he added " when you fuck up so many times, you develop this quality".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjjfo/i_asked_my_dad_if_he_can_say_just_one_good_thing/
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Trump Threatens Saudia Arabia With Consequences

Trump, "I'm cancelling plans to build a casino in Mecca."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjj0m/trump_threatens_saudia_arabia_with_consequences/
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The best advice I ever got from my dad was to never run away from my problems...

To this day, I still have that postcard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjdyq/the_best_advice_i_ever_got_from_my_dad_was_to/
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Yeah, i guess i would blow Chris Pratt for a million dollars

Its just gonna take me a while to save up a million dollars!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pjbb7/yeah_i_guess_i_would_blow_chris_pratt_for_a/
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Nicklebacks’ album “Silver Side Up” was released on Sept. 11, 2001.

What are the chances that one of worst days in American history would also be the day a terrorist attack took down the twin towers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pj9xh/nicklebacks_album_silver_side_up_was_released_on/
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If Time is Money...

Does that means the ATM is A Time Machine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pj989/if_time_is_money/
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What do people from Alabama do during Halloween?

They pumpkin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pj847/what_do_people_from_alabama_do_during_halloween/
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Mike was undergoing his first prostate examination...

It was uncomfortable, but the doctor seemed like a professional. Still, Mike was nervous.
Doctor: It's normal to get an erection during a prostate exam
Mike: I don't have an erection
Doctor: I was talking about myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pj6bg/mike_was_undergoing_his_first_prostate_examination/
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I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".

Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pj3if/i_had_a_difficult_emotional_talk_with_my_9yearold/
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When I die I want to go like my grandfather did,

quietly in his sleep and not like his screaming passengers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pj23q/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_like_my_grandfather_did/
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"We need to speed this up, chop-chop"

is something you should never tell a Saudi Arabian interrogator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9piz1m/we_need_to_speed_this_up_chopchop/
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, struggling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who lays awake in bed all night wondering if theres a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9piyc2/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac/
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Til: the United States dropped leaflets on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to warn of the nuclear attack...

I guess you could say they were the target audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9piwhk/til_the_united_states_dropped_leaflets_on/
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I have absolutely no idea how I got lice.

It’s a real head scratcher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9piuho/i_have_absolutely_no_idea_how_i_got_lice/
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Obama loves to run...

So there’s a running track / path at the White House that goes from the house down around the gardens a couple of times and back to the house. Every president would jog the track to exercise and, naturally, things got competitive when they timed their runs.
Early in his presidency, Obama had been training for a while and decided to attempt to break the speed record of this jogging track; one sunny morning he enlisted the help of an aide to time him.
Obama felt like this was the run of his life, he was fresh, fit and fast. Breathless, he stumbled back up to the house when he was done and saw the aide standing there. “Nine minutes and fifteen seconds,” announced the aide.
“Surely that’s the fastest anyone’s ever gone?” inquired Obama.
“Almost, mr president. But Bush did 9:11.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pisrp/obama_loves_to_run/
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I work for the largest nanotechnology company till date.

We’re not very good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pirhn/i_work_for_the_largest_nanotechnology_company/
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My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks every time we have sex.

I said, “Fine. I’ll try a condom from now on.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9piiau/my_wife_keeps_complaining_about_me_wearing_socks/
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What do you call a pile of cats?

A 'meow'tain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pihhr/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_cats/
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If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pigoy/if_you_pull_a_pin_from_a_grenade_how_do_you_put/
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Reports show that adults aged 18-24 are the healthiest, with the least dr visits per age

But  between you and me  it’s because my mom doesn’t make my appointments anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9piddw/reports_show_that_adults_aged_1824_are_the/
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I went to the doctor and he cloned me without my permission.

I was beside myself with anger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pid55/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_cloned_me_without_my/
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I've started a new porn business where I film unsuspecting real campers having sex and man is it exhilarating!

Its Really Fucking In Tents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pi9py/ive_started_a_new_porn_business_where_i_film/
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I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make things interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pi8gx/i_was_playing_chess_with_my_friend_and_he_said/
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When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed and laughed about it for a while. Then I remembered...

...me and my wife have different dentists…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pi7z2/when_my_dentist_reminded_me_about_my_wifes/
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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and
started banging his manhood on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pi4cw/a_football_coach_noticed_that_his_star_tackle/
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I was in a glass store just looking around

Salesman: Can I help you, sir?
Me: Oh, no, I'm just window shopping, thanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9phzrb/i_was_in_a_glass_store_just_looking_around/
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I couldn’t figure why the baseball was getting larger.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9phzph/i_couldnt_figure_why_the_baseball_was_getting/
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9phvd8/a_nice_calm_and_respectable_lady_went_into_the/
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The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9phv9p/the_government_denied_tax_exemption_for_my_church/
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A valuable lesson

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married my parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9phr0z/a_valuable_lesson/
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A man comes home later than usual after a day of golfing

His wife is waiting when he walks in and says "You're usually home before now, is everything ok?"
"Baby, I've had the worst day possible."
"Really? What happened?"
"Bill dropped dead from a heart attack on the first tee."
"Oh my God, that's horrible!"
"No kidding. All day long it was hit the ball, drag Bill, hit the ball drag Bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9phjmk/a_man_comes_home_later_than_usual_after_a_day_of/
%
Did you hear about the argument between a pencil and a sharpener?

The sharpener made a better point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9phdio/did_you_hear_about_the_argument_between_a_pencil/
%
Yo mamma’s so ugly...

Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9phclh/yo_mammas_so_ugly/
%
You know that feeling you get when you finally post OC on reddit?

Yea me neither.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ph7r6/you_know_that_feeling_you_get_when_you_finally/
%
The double negative paradox...

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that,
“In  English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages,  such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no  language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up,
“Yeah, right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ph6fm/the_double_negative_paradox/
%
Where do most neutrons live?

In sub-atomic particle divisions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pgyq9/where_do_most_neutrons_live/
%
Call a girl pretty 1000 times, she won't remember ever.

Call her fat once and she will remember forever.
Because elephants never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pgx3j/call_a_girl_pretty_1000_times_she_wont_remember/
%
The best thing about dating a homeless girl is

You can drop her off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pgwef/the_best_thing_about_dating_a_homeless_girl_is/
%
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the front line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pgvc6/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_view_mirrors/
%
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can’t do stand up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pgv5b/why_does_stephen_hawking_do_oneliners/
%
My girlfriend likes to role play

For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pgtlq/my_girlfriend_likes_to_role_play/
%
I just got a job as an Egyptian god.

Now I’m Set for life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pgt67/i_just_got_a_job_as_an_egyptian_god/
%
What do you call a mexican midget?

A paragraph, because he is too short to be an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pgqdo/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
What’s the difference between me and cancer

My dad didn’t beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pgmwg/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
What did the physicist say when he found out the temperature was -273 degrees Celsius?

0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pgl4g/what_did_the_physicist_say_when_he_found_out_the/
%
(OC) Why do rappers wear so much fake fur onstage?

Faux show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pgj4h/oc_why_do_rappers_wear_so_much_fake_fur_onstage/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's ok, he woke up now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pgibw/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
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Why do teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5, or 7?

Because they can’t even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pg8p9/why_do_teenage_girls_always_hang_out_in_groups_of/
%
Did you hear of the postman that couldn't tell good jokes?

He was bad at delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pg6yk/did_you_hear_of_the_postman_that_couldnt_tell/
%
Wow I'm so happy I found this subreddit

There is so much Original Content!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pg3bo/wow_im_so_happy_i_found_this_subreddit/
%
Why did Noah go to New Jersey after he failed to save the animals on his first try?

Because he needed to find a Newark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pfz2b/why_did_noah_go_to_new_jersey_after_he_failed_to/
%
I have a 79.82% grade in my programming class

I have a C++

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pfy18/i_have_a_7982_grade_in_my_programming_class/
%
I love fucking German chicks

But I hate how they always scream their age during sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pfwl7/i_love_fucking_german_chicks/
%
What’s the definition of a gentleman?

A person that can play bagpipes after dinner, but doesn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pfq4p/whats_the_definition_of_a_gentleman/
%
I asked a pimp how to get started in the pimping business. He said I need to get me a bitch , a hoe and a thot. The bitch handles all the hookers. She’s like the mom of the house. The hoe handles day to day affairs . Who does accounting? I asked

He said, It’s the thot that counts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pfphh/i_asked_a_pimp_how_to_get_started_in_the_pimping/
%
Chris Rock, The Rock, and Kid Rock walk into a marijuana dispensary

*something about being stoned*
I tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pfmw5/chris_rock_the_rock_and_kid_rock_walk_into_a/
%
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing...  He said: “Just checking my balance.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pfmos/saw_a_man_standing_on_one_leg_at_an_atm/
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Who cares about a threesome

If I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I’ll go talk to my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pfkyp/who_cares_about_a_threesome/
%
Did you know...

Did you know if someone killed all the cats in the world it would be a catastrophe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pfjwb/did_you_know/
%
Did u know that al the flags on the moon have been bleached white due to radiation?

This makes the moon an official province of France

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pfika/did_u_know_that_al_the_flags_on_the_moon_have/
%
What does a Irishman say when he arrives at a funeral?

Top of the mourning to ya

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pfgom/what_does_a_irishman_say_when_he_arrives_at_a/
%
What does an Irishman say when he enters the bar?

Top o' the mornin' to ya!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pfgcv/what_does_an_irishman_say_when_he_enters_the_bar/
%
There were three construction workers and each of them always ate the same thing for lunch.

1st worker : "I'm tired of sandwiches it's always sandwich, sandwich, sandwich!"
2nd worker : "I know what you mean... I'm so sick of tacos! urgh..."
3rd worker : "I hate these beans!!"
The second day it was the same thing for lunch.
1st worker : "If tomorrow I get sandwiches for lunch I'm going to jump from that bridge and kill myself!"
2nd worker : "One more taco and I'm jumping off that bridge and killing myself!"
3rd worker : "No more beans!"
And yes, as always, the next day they had the same thing for lunch. So all of the three men jumped from the bridge and killed themselves.
The wives of the men were really sad and were crying for their husbands.
1st wife : "I would've never packed him sanwiches for lunch if I knew he would do that!"
2nd wife : "We had tacos on our first date, but I would never had packed him tacos if I knew that would happen!"
3rd wife : "I just don't understand, he packed his own lunch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pffbm/there_were_three_construction_workers_and_each_of/
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What did the depressed and drug addicted math teacher say when he got home?

Hi pot and noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pfdr5/what_did_the_depressed_and_drug_addicted_math/
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The barber next door just got arrested for selling drugs I was a customer for years it blew my mind

I had no idea he was a barber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pfdcp/the_barber_next_door_just_got_arrested_for/
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What has a shorter life span than an Anti-Vax mom?

Her child

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pf9ua/what_has_a_shorter_life_span_than_an_antivax_mom/
%
A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pf8eb/a_message_from_canada_to_all_americans_who_are/
%
Yo guys don't know what a will is?

Come on, it's a dead giveaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pf6kl/yo_guys_dont_know_what_a_will_is/
%
Want to Hear a Clean Joke?

Mike took a bath with Bubbles.
Want to hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles was a man.
Want to hear a bad joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pf2bv/want_to_hear_a_clean_joke/
%
Isn't it ironic that the fat acceptance movement...

barely has any movement at all?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pf1ms/isnt_it_ironic_that_the_fat_acceptance_movement/
%
I went out partying and drinking last night, and I forgot to feed my pet rabbit.

I really let my hare down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pepbj/i_went_out_partying_and_drinking_last_night_and_i/
%
I rode my bike to the liquor store to get a bottle of scotch.

I bought the scotch, and put the bottle in the little basket on the front of my bike. But then I realized that if I fell over, the bottle was going to break and the scotch would be gone! So I decided not to risk it and I drank the whole bottle right then.
Thank God I did, because I fell over 7 times on the way home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9penhp/i_rode_my_bike_to_the_liquor_store_to_get_a/
%
How can you tell if a cop is bad at his job?

If he arrests people because of what they did instead of arresting the minorities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pemuq/how_can_you_tell_if_a_cop_is_bad_at_his_job/
%
A white man and a black man are in the bathroom...

They using urinals next to each other. The white guy can't help but peek over to see if the rumors are true about black guys being hung. Sure enough, the black guy is hung like a mule.
The white guy asks "Excuse me, but why is it y'all  are so hung and us white dudes have little dicks?"
The black guy, surprised at the question, decides to screw with him. He says "Well, twice a month, I wrap a rubber band around the base of it and leave it on for a week, it helps it grow."
The white guy, astounded, says "Really? I gotta try that. My wife will love it."
So, sure enough the white dude gets  home and wraps a rubber band around the base of his dick as tight as it will go, but decides to keep it a secret from his wife to surprise her.
Three days pass, and his wife hears him call her to the bedroom
"Honey come here you gotta see this. Look at how black this thing is turning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pem35/a_white_man_and_a_black_man_are_in_the_bathroom/
%
You know who my favorite bodybuilder is?

Dr. Victor Frankenstein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pei5b/you_know_who_my_favorite_bodybuilder_is/
%
A man named Odd

There once was a man named Odd. Throughout his life people would tease him about his name, and so in his will he left instructions that his tombstone should have no name on it; at least in death he would have some peace.
The man eventually did die, and his survivors honored his wishes. And whenever anyone walked by his grave and noticed the blank tombstone they would pause and mutter, "That's odd."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pefuy/a_man_named_odd/
%
H2O is water, and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide, so what is H2O4?

Drinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9peezi/h2o_is_water_and_h2o2_is_hydrogen_peroxide_so/
%
What do you call a picture of a spud?

A photato!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pedq4/what_do_you_call_a_picture_of_a_spud/
%
My wife and I will have been married 40 years today and every time I see her it still makes me feel so happy :)

She has been in the freezer for the last 20 though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9peafe/my_wife_and_i_will_have_been_married_40_years/
%
Why were the Middle Ages called the dark ages?

Because there were too many knights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pea50/why_were_the_middle_ages_called_the_dark_ages/
%
An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"
Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pe686/an_insolent_teenager_stomps_off_to_her_room/
%
Little boy was always interested in trains

From the day he could grasp the idea, he had been interested in them. The way they worked, the way they moved, the different kinds. He had decided at a young age that he wanted to be a train conductor.
The time eventually came when he got his dream job for a busy passenger transit line. His first day on the job, he took a corner much too quickly and derailed the train. Many passengers died and he faced serious criminal charges. After fair trial, he was sentenced to a public death by electric chair.
He was asked by the executioner what his last meal would be. All the man wanted was one single banana. The man ate the banana quickly and the executioner pulled the lever. Sparks flew and the crowd had open mouths when they saw the man was completely unharmed. The Judge decided it was God's will and granted him freedom.
Next year, the man managed to land the same kind of job, only for a cargo train. Once again, his first day on the job resulted in his train detailing. Millions of dollars of cargo were destroyed. The man had to face the same judge, and was sentenced to public death by electric chair again.
This time the man wanted two bananas for his last meal. The crowd was confused as they watched him peel and eat his two bananas. The executioner pulled the lever. The man was unharmed. The judge ordered a second time. Once again, the man was unharmed.
The judge finally threw his arms up and screamed, "We're doing this again, tomorrow! Screw your bananas!"
The next day there was no crowd. Only the accused, the executioner, and the judge. The judge ordered the executioner to pull the lever.
Again, no result.
The judge says, "Why aren't you dead? How are you withstanding this?"
And the man replies, "Well I guess I'm a terrible conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pe5zo/little_boy_was_always_interested_in_trains/
%
Do cats stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl.
"My kitty raised his back, went 'Ffffff, Ffffff, Ffffff'....And before he could say ‘fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pe4ft/do_cats_stutter/
%
Drug store advice

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
That same day another dude comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"
Dude struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" Embarrassed he  says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him, has a feel and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pe229/drug_store_advice/
%
Would you ever consider yourself a beautiful gourd?

Because you look smashing, pumpkin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pe1jp/would_you_ever_consider_yourself_a_beautiful_gourd/
%
When one door closes...

An incognito window opens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pe19d/when_one_door_closes/
%
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room

talking about  many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I  never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and  fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pe131/last_night_my_wife_and_i_were_sitting_in_the/
%
A friend asked me if I’d take a bullet for the first person I had sex with

I said, “Sure! Anything for family.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pdysq/a_friend_asked_me_if_id_take_a_bullet_for_the/
%
Why doesn't NASCAR have an Internet Explorer car?

Because it would keep crashing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pdus2/why_doesnt_nascar_have_an_internet_explorer_car/
%
I used to eat alot of natural foods.

Until I found out that many people die of natural causes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pdsev/i_used_to_eat_alot_of_natural_foods/
%
How can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pdp2l/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_plumber/
%
Three special forces men are out camping one evening.

An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret are sitting at the campfire swapping tough guy stories.
The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."
Not to be out done by the ranger, the seal chimes in. "Well we navy seals are so tough, one time I swam upstream 8 miles into enemy lines. Once there, I took out a whole company of enemy special forces, and snuck back out with 100 pounds of top secret weaponry."
The green beret just sat there nodding his head and listening while stirring the campfire coals with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pdk83/three_special_forces_men_are_out_camping_one/
%
Pre-tests are a stupid name for it.

They should call them EXAMples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pd8y5/pretests_are_a_stupid_name_for_it/
%
A beautiful woman walks into a gym...

Two men inside are working out together when the first asks: "My goodness, that's got to be the most beautiful woman i've ever seen. What machine do i have to work on in order to get a girl like that?" The second replied: "Probably the ATM"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pd3zq/a_beautiful_woman_walks_into_a_gym/
%
How is number π like the Bible?

Both are believed to contain all the wisdom mankind will ever have.
Most people think that one of them has a proven value. While the other is irrational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pd15p/how_is_number_π_like_the_bible/
%
What is a Mexicans favorite sport

Cross country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pczsl/what_is_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
%
Roman guy walks in a bar and makes a peace sign with his fingers

Bartender gives him 5 beers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pctnb/roman_guy_walks_in_a_bar_and_makes_a_peace_sign/
%
I asked 100 immigrants what they found annoying.

77 of them didn't understand me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pcspy/i_asked_100_immigrants_what_they_found_annoying/
%
So there’s this rich dying vampire who tells his three sons that he’ll give one one of them his fortune.

The three of them decide to have a blood sucking contest to decide who gets the fortune.
On the first night, the oldest brother goes out. He comes back with blood dripping down his chin. His brothers ask him how he did it and he points to a dead man. “See that guy over there? I drank all of his blood.” His younger brothers are very impressed.
On the second night the middle brother goes out. He comes back with blood all over his lips and cheeks. His brothers are very surprised by this and ask him how he did it. He points to a nearby town. “See that town over there? I drank the blood of EVERYONE there!” The oldest brother is very impressed at this and the youngest brother is freaking out because he has to go next.
On the third night the youngest brother goes out. He comes back with blood all over his entire face, forehead to chin. His brothers are both impressed and surprised with him, so they ask him how he did it so he points to a stop sign in the distance. “See that pole over there?” His brothers nod. “I didn’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pcsag/so_theres_this_rich_dying_vampire_who_tells_his/
%
Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit.

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pcpiw/given_the_current_climate_saudi_arabia_is_a/
%
Now that Marijuana is legal in Canada, I decided to get job in the industry.

So far it's a pretty kushy place to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pcpe4/now_that_marijuana_is_legal_in_canada_i_decided/
%
Yo mama so pretty ...

I think you must've been adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pcnda/yo_mama_so_pretty/
%
What do you call a snake that studies and researchers past events?

A hiiiiiiiistorian.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pcm3j/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_studies_and/
%
What do you call Sean Connery inside a toilet stall without any toilet paper?

"A Shituation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pclnx/what_do_you_call_sean_connery_inside_a_toilet/
%
What does a photon and a pirate have in common?

They both travel at c.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pciaj/what_does_a_photon_and_a_pirate_have_in_common/
%
Can somebody please tell me how to calm someone down who's had too much to drink?

At first I asked him if he finished the bottle, and he only got more pissed
I asked him if another one would make him happy, and he just kept screaming.
I jingled his keys in front of him and told him he wasn't allowed to have them, and he practically ran out of oxygen from yelling.
I told him he should go to bed and he just stomped around trying to be intimidating.
And then the straw that broke the camels back, my wife came home and he tried to grab her breasts.
All of this over some stupid formula, nobody told me having a baby would be this tough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pccj6/can_somebody_please_tell_me_how_to_calm_someone/
%
When do you go at red and stop at green?

When you’re eating a watermelon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pccix/when_do_you_go_at_red_and_stop_at_green/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road

I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pcb69/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
A priest is hiring...

A priest is looking to hire someone to ring the bell tower before services. He is approached by a man with no arms.
"I'm here to apply for the bell job," he says.
"I don't mean to offend you, but how can you ring the bell with no arms?" replied the priest.
"Just take me to the top of the bell tower. I can do it!"
A little hesitant, the priest agrees to let him try. Up, up, up the stairs they climb all the way to the very top of the bell tower. The man doesn't stumble or hesitate despite lacking arms to steady himself.
"Now, just watch," the armless man says.
Standing in front of the massive iron bell he pulls his head back and BONGGG...
Impressed, the priest says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but as impressive as that was, I'm afraid it wasn't loud enough. The townspeople will never hear it."
"Wait, wait! I can do better," the man insists.
He takes a few steps back and runs at the bell. BOONGGGG...
"I'm so sorry, but it's still not loud enough for the townspeople to hear. I might be able to find a job for you elsewhere," offers the priest.
"No, no! Give me one more try!"
Backing up right to the edge of the tower, the man takes a run at the bell and with all his weight smashes his head into the bell. Unfortunately his momentum deflected him off the bell with such force that he tumbled out the window.
Hurrying to the bottom, the priest found the man with a police officer over him checking the body.
"Do you know this man?" asks the officer.
"His face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pc74y/a_priest_is_hiring/
%
So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means?

***Its not the end of the world***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pc5dk/so_what_if_i_dont_know_what_armageddon_means/
%
Why didn't Oedipus ever curse?

Because he kissed his mother with that nouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pbz5o/why_didnt_oedipus_ever_curse/
%
Why haven't Aliens visited our Solar System yet? ...

They looked at the reviews...
Only 1 star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pbugr/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system_yet/
%
I was at the park and a mother asked me which kid was mine

I told her I hadn’t decided yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pbu2o/i_was_at_the_park_and_a_mother_asked_me_which_kid/
%
What do you call it when a bunch of ghosts slime the same person?

Boo-kkake!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pbor3/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_bunch_of_ghosts_slime/
%
Don't worry if you ever forget how to throw a boomerang...

it'll come back to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pbnwf/dont_worry_if_you_ever_forget_how_to_throw_a/
%
A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pblp9/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer_the/
%
Why don't you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree?

Because they're really good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pbkwn/why_dont_you_ever_see_a_hippopotamus_hiding_in_a/
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's a coincidence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pbfgy/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A horror with jump scares is a cheap trick...

...but a whore with jump scares is an expensive trick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pbe7e/a_horror_with_jump_scares_is_a_cheap_trick/
%
A class of engineering students were given free plane tickets to go on vacation

Once they were on the plane, the pilot announced that they were on the plane the students had built. The whole class freaked out and rushed off of the plane, except for the professor who calmly stayed in his seat. When the flight attendant asked why he was so calm he replied, "I know the ability of my students very well. This shit won't even start."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pbdt8/a_class_of_engineering_students_were_given_free/
%
What do call it when you score with a woman disguised in men’s clothing?

Transaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pbcyy/what_do_call_it_when_you_score_with_a_woman/
%
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pbcpy/a_man_escapes_from_prison_where_he_has_been_for/
%
A man went streaking through a church

They caught him by the organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pbajc/a_man_went_streaking_through_a_church/
%
Washington liked his wooden teeth enough.

Unfortunately, they were all bark and no bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pbacg/washington_liked_his_wooden_teeth_enough/
%
I was going to make an anal joke

Butt fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pb9o6/i_was_going_to_make_an_anal_joke/
%
Why did Sauron start knocking down walls in his house?

Because he wanted more doors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pb50a/why_did_sauron_start_knocking_down_walls_in_his/
%
I dont like the fact that the Thailand cave boys have become all famous and mainstream.

I preferred them when they were more Underground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pb4hf/i_dont_like_the_fact_that_the_thailand_cave_boys/
%
Besides training all the major Greek heroes, Chiron was also a doctor....

Besides training all the major Greek heroes, Chiron was also a doctor.
That would make him the Centaur for Disease Control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pb2it/besides_training_all_the_major_greek_heroes/
%
My girlfriend isn’t a very good wrestler

But you should see her box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pb1sw/my_girlfriend_isnt_a_very_good_wrestler/
%
How do you tell the difference between a nurse and a lawyer?

By how they pronounce the word invalid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pb1bj/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_nurse/
%
"My wife got hurt after annoying the marsupials on our trip to a Malaysian zoo."

""Kuala Lumpar?"
"No, a kangaroo kicked her up the arse".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pb193/my_wife_got_hurt_after_annoying_the_marsupials_on/
%
What do you call an impotent stallion?

Mr. ED

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pax15/what_do_you_call_an_impotent_stallion/
%
The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence...

...because if she doesn't have that, then I might have a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9paswo/the_first_thing_i_look_for_in_a_woman_is/
%
I'm sorry

In 2013 Steven Hawking said God didn't exist
In 2018 God said Steven Hawking didn't exist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9par3p/im_sorry/
%
A kid asks his greedy father money to buy a police costume for Halloween

He told him just go undercover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9par1i/a_kid_asks_his_greedy_father_money_to_buy_a/
%
Some people like math puns.

Σ people don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9papcw/some_people_like_math_puns/
%
Today I celebrated with Champagne...

It marks my one day anniversary of being sober.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9paobj/today_i_celebrated_with_champagne/
%
I finally left my job

I couldn't stand working for my dumb, micromanaging and misogynistic boss.
The last thing he said to me really pushed me over the edge.  What did he say, you ask?
"You're fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pao8c/i_finally_left_my_job/
%
I donated $100 to a charity that helps the blind.

Too bad they’ll never see a dime of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pal2j/i_donated_100_to_a_charity_that_helps_the_blind/
%
My wife and I wear the same size shoes

We're solemates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pafsy/my_wife_and_i_wear_the_same_size_shoes/
%
Bug in the Barn

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9paehc/bug_in_the_barn/
%
I'm really good in bed.

I often sleep more than 9 hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pad8a/im_really_good_in_bed/
%
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, ...

... arguing about the  average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.
"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math  question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He  then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the  waitress over.
"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it  for you." She agreed.
The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you  know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at  her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"
So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9paczh/two_mathematicians_were_having_dinner_in_a/
%
Them:I really like your name

Me: Thanks, I got it for my birthday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pa9lb/themi_really_like_your_name/
%
Irony

The opposite of wrinkly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pa7hg/irony/
%
Man in hospital bed wearing an Oxygen mask "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his penis and checks his testicles..she takes a close look and says, "They are fine Sir" Man takes off oxygen mask, smiles and says very very slowly, thanks for that, but listen very carefully,

"Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pa50m/man_in_hospital_bed_wearing_an_oxygen_mask_nurse/
%
A man was alone in an elevator when...

...a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end. “There’s a cute guy standing here.” Before the man could react, the girl turned to him and said, “Sorry for lying. I just wanted to end that conversation.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pa4qv/a_man_was_alone_in_an_elevator_when/
%
A group of kids is called

A migraine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pa1e9/a_group_of_kids_is_called/
%
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pa117/ive_fallen_in_love_with_a_pencil_and_were_getting/
%
What do you call it when four moderators play musical instruments together?

[Banned]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p9xyp/what_do_you_call_it_when_four_moderators_play/
%
What do you yell at a bar of gold to get its attention?

A-U!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p9wwi/what_do_you_yell_at_a_bar_of_gold_to_get_its/
%
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p9wcw/by_previously_legalizing_samesex_marriage_and_now/
%
What is homeless person sex like?

In tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p9wbb/what_is_homeless_person_sex_like/
%
I got an odd-job man in. He was useless

Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p9wah/i_got_an_oddjob_man_in_he_was_useless/
%
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is

But he sure loves to paint pictures of my parents fighting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p9soo/i_dont_know_who_this_rorschach_guy_is/
%
I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millenials are so addicted to technology"  I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p9qyu/i_have_convinced_my_grandma_that_the_baby_boomers/
%
A perk of a career at the morgue is you always get the coroner office.

The only downside is the stiff competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p9p2x/a_perk_of_a_career_at_the_morgue_is_you_always/
%
There was an overweight guy who was watching TV...

....A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!"
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 35.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p9mxe/there_was_an_overweight_guy_who_was_watching_tv/
%
What’s the difference between a hipster and a necrophile?

The hipster did it before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p9hxz/whats_the_difference_between_a_hipster_and_a/
%
A wet fart

Should be called a Schrodinger’s shat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p9fyy/a_wet_fart/
%
I was talking to my neighbor's six year-old daughter and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were to be the President, what's the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
"Wow - what a worthy goal," I told her, "You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the grass, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds, 'cause she's only 6.
And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her folks still aren't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p9chf/i_was_talking_to_my_neighbors_six_yearold/
%
What does a chameleon bum and a cellphone have in common?

They can change the ringtone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p967r/what_does_a_chameleon_bum_and_a_cellphone_have_in/
%
Let's call selfies what they really are

Alonies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p92zv/lets_call_selfies_what_they_really_are/
%
Thief Capturing Robot

Disclaimer: This is only a joke, whatever or whoever I have stated are only for entertainment purpose only.
Once an organization of experts invented a robot that captured thieves.
So in order to test their invention they took to some places around the world to really see how many it can capture.
Firstly they went to Rio,
It captured 60 thieves in 1 hour
Then they went to Los Angeles,
It captured 112 thieves in 1 hour
Then they brought it to Delhi,
Within 15 minutes, the robot was stolen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p8u9g/thief_capturing_robot/
%
If there's one thing I hate more than anything else in the entire universe

...it's hyperbole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p8ny1/if_theres_one_thing_i_hate_more_than_anything/
%
A girl is dared by a boy to climb the school flagpole

She bets him 5 dollars she can and he agrees.
She climbs all the way to the top and gets her 5 dollars.
She tells her mom about her acomplishment feeling proud.
"Oh honey he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear" She says shaking her head.
A little wiser she returns to school the next day. This time the boy offers her 10 dollars to climb the pole. She thinks its a good racket and gets her 10 dollars.
Again after school she tells her mom who is a little upset.
"But sweetie remember ehat i said last time, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear."
The girl snyly responds "I know, that's why I didn't wear any underwear!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p8n2w/a_girl_is_dared_by_a_boy_to_climb_the_school/
%
I entered 10 puns in my local papers joke competition.

None of them won. In the response they told me no pun in 10 did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p8mhr/i_entered_10_puns_in_my_local_papers_joke/
%
A question asked to the Olympic boxing team regarding the dangers of their sport.

10% responded that boxing is dangerous to health, the remaining 90% did not understand the question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p8kah/a_question_asked_to_the_olympic_boxing_team/
%
Whats a writing utensil's favorite place to go on a vacation?

Pencil-vania!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p8i9f/whats_a_writing_utensils_favorite_place_to_go_on/
%
A study conducted in the United States showed that:

1. The popular sport of the urban population is basketball
2. Favourite sport of maintenance people is bowling
3. The favourite sport of the average staff is football
4. The favourite sport of senior staff is baseball
5. The favourite sport of directors is tennis
6. The favourite sport of business owners is golf.
In conclusion - the higher your position, the smaller the balls!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p8h88/a_study_conducted_in_the_united_states_showed_that/
%
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.

Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p8chj/dad_always_thought_laughter_was_the_best_medicine/
%
A guy walks into a bar

And orders a four shots of tequila. The bartender appears stunned but lines 'em up and pours. Buddy takes his shots.
He motions to the bartender to fill the glasses again. The bartender looks concerned but acquiesces. Buddy takes his shots.
He motions to the bartender to go again. The bartender says "Whoa buddy, that'll be a dozen shots of tequila. Is everything ok?"
"First blowjob" says the guy, as he motions for the drinks again.
"Amazing! Congratulations!" says the bartender as he fills them up again.
The guy downs his last shot...
"I just cant get the taste out of my mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p8blk/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Fred and Mary got married

.
But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, ok, tell me what you think!!!"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p89j2/fred_and_mary_got_married/
%
How many potatoes do you need to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p86w9/how_many_potatoes_do_you_need_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
I recently went to a vegetarian restaurant and a woman said she recognized me.

But I had never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p86gz/i_recently_went_to_a_vegetarian_restaurant_and_a/
%
Just been on the web site BIGBUSTYCOONS.COM

Those guys really know how to run bus companies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p84kk/just_been_on_the_web_site_bigbustycoonscom/
%
I was going to go on TV and show everyone my motor that spins at exactly 1,800 rpm. Unfortunately, the station uses a 30fps camera, so while you can still see the motor itself...

The revolution will NOT be televised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p83ib/i_was_going_to_go_on_tv_and_show_everyone_my/
%
The O in Reddit

...stands for Original.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p830p/the_o_in_reddit/
%
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff?

Ba Dum Tsss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p82qq/two_drums_and_a_cymbal_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
I should dig a hole and name it love

So I can watch people fall in love and cry at my lonely, depressing life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p81lj/i_should_dig_a_hole_and_name_it_love/
%
The German Shepherd cover up...

I  found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its  mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up  rabbit into the house. I gave it  a bath, blew dried its fur, and put  it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think  it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear that Fluffy died?"
I said, "Um... no... what happened?"
The  neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird  thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave  him a bath, and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick  people out there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p7yn1/the_german_shepherd_cover_up/
%
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p7w08/in_a_crowded_city_at_a_bus_stop_a_beautiful_young/
%
What do French Muslims shout when they're hungry?

A la snackbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p7w06/what_do_french_muslims_shout_when_theyre_hungry/
%
Wife: And I would walk 500 miles

Husband: And I would walk 500 more
Wife: you just always have to out do me don’t you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p7vs1/wife_and_i_would_walk_500_miles/
%
What happens when Winter arrives?

Autumn Leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p7qe8/what_happens_when_winter_arrives/
%
Four sisters are on their way to Church

To wash away their sins.The First girl enters the room and father asks
"What is your sin?"
"I've touched a man's dick with my right hand"
"Sink your right hand into this bowl of Holy Water"
Second girl:
"I've touched a man's dick with my left hand"
"Sink your left hand into this bowl of Holy Water"
Third girl comes in and suddenly the fourth girl pushes her and rushes in.Father asks:
"What happened?"
"I will not drink from that bowl after her ass touches that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p7jbt/four_sisters_are_on_their_way_to_church/
%
When i found outmy toaster wasn't waterproof

I was shocked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p7ibn/when_i_found_outmy_toaster_wasnt_waterproof/
%
A bloke keeps ringing me...

and singing Stand and Deliver down the line. I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p7i1k/a_bloke_keeps_ringing_me/
%
What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p7gjr/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”

. He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”. Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said “cooking”. Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “bitches and hoes”. He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”. Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over. Timmy answered the door with glee and says: “Hey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your shit to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p72p9/one_daylittle_timmy_was_at_school_and_heard_the/
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Every time you're late

Remind the other person that time doesn't exist and is just a social convention.
This way, they will be annoyed by 2 things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p6vk5/every_time_youre_late/
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Two hippies are in a bar.

One asks the other "So you said you were going to a Middle Eastern country, no?"
The other says "Yemen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p6sa6/two_hippies_are_in_a_bar/
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My buddy who's a butcher had to fire the new guy at work today.

Me: Why?
Buddy: He kept putting his dick in the bacon-slicer.
Me: What did you do with the bacon-slicer?
Buddy: I fired her too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p6rm8/my_buddy_whos_a_butcher_had_to_fire_the_new_guy/
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Nepal is furious at Canada for legalizing weed...

Because Canada has just taken their spot as highest nation on the planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p6riw/nepal_is_furious_at_canada_for_legalizing_weed/
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A Man, A Nun, and a Bus Driver

A man living in New York takes the bus to and from work every day.
One day, after finishing work and getting on the bus, the man sees a very attractive nun in the seat where he usually sits on the ride home. He sits next to her, and tries to make a move on her, but she pushes him off and yells at him.
So, before he gets off the bus, the man asks the bus driver how he might win over the nun. The driver says, "The nuns are normally very hard to get. But I happen to know that she goes to the cemetery every night at 10:00 to pray. If you dress up as God, you might be able to have sex with her."
The man likes this idea, so he goes out and buys a God look-alike costume. At 9:50, he puts it on and walks over to the cemetery. Sure enough, the nun is there praying.
The man approaches her, and she turns around and nearly faints. The nun says, "Is it really you, God." The man replies, "Yes, it is. And today, you can come with me to heaven, but only on one condition: you have sex with me first."
The nun agrees, but says that she only does anal. The man is fine with that, and they have sex in the cemetery all night.
Finally, when they're done, the man takes of his costume and says, "Haha, I'm the the guy from the bus."
The nun then takes off her costume and says, "Joke's on you - I'm the bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p6myn/a_man_a_nun_and_a_bus_driver/
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What is a sea lion's favorite classroom subject?

ART! ART! ART!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p6aqu/what_is_a_sea_lions_favorite_classroom_subject/
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Russian Porn is the best.

It always makes me Soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p6aab/russian_porn_is_the_best/
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A drunkard woke up one morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night...

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight. He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing... "You are the reason I fight with my wife!"
He smashed the second bottle... "You are the reason I don't love my children!"
He smashed the third bottle.... "You are the reason I don't have a decent job!"
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed, full and cold. He hesitated for a moment and said...
"You stand aside, I know you were not involved!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p68rl/a_drunkard_woke_up_one_morning_deeply_repentant/
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I walked in a Mr Peanut having his way with an almond..

It was fucking nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p67fb/i_walked_in_a_mr_peanut_having_his_way_with_an/
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A condom broke last month. I freaked out and went to the pharmacy, and they told me to use the morning after pill.

That shit doesn't work. I took two and she's still pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p609h/a_condom_broke_last_month_i_freaked_out_and_went/
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I was going to go camping with my best friend and his new girlfriend...

...but it was just too fucking intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p5yn7/i_was_going_to_go_camping_with_my_best_friend_and/
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My favorite joke

A man walks into a bar
He goes and finds a seat at the bar
"What'll you have"? The bartender asks.
"Gin and tonic". Replies the man, weary from long day at work.
The bartender obliges, and the man sits and enjoys his drink. As he unwinds and watches the football game on TV, he hears the bell of the door ring as it opens. He casually glances behind him to see who's walking in and does a double take as he sees a horse walk into the bar.
The horse glances at the bartender and then turns his attention to the opposite end of the bar.
The horse then walks across the floor, walks up the wall, across the ceiling, down the other wall, then steps back onto the floor. He gives another glance at the bartender and then excuses himself out the door.
The man at the bar, flabbergasted, turns to the bartender and exclaims "What the hell was that"?!
The bartender casually turns from his work and replies "Oh, don't feel bad. He never says hello to anybody".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p5x8n/my_favorite_joke/
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A little boy visits his grandparents...

He sees his grandma has made cookies, so he asks his grandpa "Can I have a cookie, grandpa?"
"Can your dick touch your asshole?" grandpa replies.
"No" says the boy.
"Then your too young for these cookies" grandpa says.
A few weeks pass and the boy comes for another visit.
Again there are cookies and the boy asks, "Can I have a cookie, grandpa?"
"Can your dick touch your asshole?" grandpa replies.
"No" says the boy.
"Then your still too young for these cookies" grandpa says.
A few days pass and the grandpa walks into the room and sees his grandson eating a plate full of fresh chocolate chip cookies.  "Can I have a cookie?" He asks his grandson.
"Can your dick touch your asshole?" His grandson asks.
"Yes it can!" Grandpa says triumphantly
The grandson smiles and says "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma says these cookies are for me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p5t1h/a_little_boy_visits_his_grandparents/
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Why don't Baptists have sex while standing up?

Because God might think they're dancing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p5rba/why_dont_baptists_have_sex_while_standing_up/
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A young man is about to jump off the empire building

A physicist saw and told him: don’t do it, you have so much potential...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p5lf5/a_young_man_is_about_to_jump_off_the_empire/
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I ran into your mom on the street the other day...

You should probably check in on her. She seemed a little shaken after the accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p5krr/i_ran_into_your_mom_on_the_street_the_other_day/
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What did the statistician say to the geologist?

Your guess is as good as mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p5kf3/what_did_the_statistician_say_to_the_geologist/
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What kind of doors to wizards use?

Gryffindoors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p5j9y/what_kind_of_doors_to_wizards_use/
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Did you hear about the balancing beauty queen?

She was pretty on the ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p5gf2/did_you_hear_about_the_balancing_beauty_queen/
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Teacher: "All right class, open up to page 26."

Me: *flips to page 26* "I don't even know... I just feel like my mom will never be proud of me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p5cif/teacher_all_right_class_open_up_to_page_26/
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Things you can say both during sex and a funeral

This would be much better if u were alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p5aml/things_you_can_say_both_during_sex_and_a_funeral/
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[NSFW] I attached a ruler to my dildo

You know, for good measure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p58e1/nsfw_i_attached_a_ruler_to_my_dildo/
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A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.
Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.
Next to the fire was an old pot and a worn ladle. Beside the pot lay a heaping pile of broken egg shells.
The father knelt down next to the pot and dipped in the ladle and pulled it out to examine its contents.
It was full of water, swirling with white, silky strands. Seeing this, the farmer's face contorted with rage.
"What is it Pa?" the boy asked anxiously.
The farmer took a long sigh, then with a hard voice said, "Boy, best fetch me my rifle, those damn poachers are back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p58e0/a_chicken_farmer_and_his_son_went_out_to_gather/
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I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.

They’re charging me with tacks evasion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p56kh/i_never_use_pushpins_at_work_so_my_boss_called/
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Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?

It’s super high Koala-tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p50ns/have_you_seen_that_awesome_video_of_a_koala/
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I like my women like my haircuts.

High and tight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p4vrj/i_like_my_women_like_my_haircuts/
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What is Caitlyn Jenner going as for Halloween?

An Ex-Man
Preemptive Edit: Proudly! Proudly going as an Ex-Man! Yikes....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p4vmv/what_is_caitlyn_jenner_going_as_for_halloween/
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Two brick masons are laying a wall when suddenly one of the bricks start to talk..

When the masons start to talk to the brick he seems just like a regular guy telling the masons about his ambitions to go and  get a education,  so that he's not forgotten like the rest of his brethren. Then he asks the masons to go with him and get an education too so that they won't have to do this hard work anymore. When they hear this they are taken aback saying that they'll have to take the rest of the day off to make a decision.
Coming back the next day the masons find the brick and start talking to it and after a while  the brick asks if they've made a decision and the  masons reply that they're sorry but  "we dont need no education" and though they like him "all and all you're just another brick in the wall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p4ue2/two_brick_masons_are_laying_a_wall_when_suddenly/
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A guy walks into a bar and orders three tequila shots...

The bartender gives it to him and he slams them all down
“What’s the special occasion?” Says the bartender
The man replies “I just had my first blowjob.”
“Wow, that's a great achievement for a young man like yourself!” Says the bartender “here’s one more on me!”
“No thanks” the man replies “if three shots can’t get the taste out of my mouth, I don’t think a fourth one will.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p4u5t/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_three_tequila/
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A smartly dressed man

in a suit walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a nip. He downs the pint in one then takes the nip and pours it into his top pocket, then asks for the same again. Downs the pint in one again and, again, pours the nip into his top pocket.
After ten pints and ten nips in the pocket the fella’s hammered and the barman asks him to leave. So the man starts getting aggressive, rolls his sleeves up and calls to the barman, "Right … You … Outside Now".
A mouse pops his head out of the man’s top pocket and shouts, "Aye … And Bring Your Fuckin’ cat too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p4ios/a_smartly_dressed_man/
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From an English joke book

I met a girl at a barbecue. A very pretty blond girl, I think. I don’t know for sure; her hair was on fire. And all she talked about was herself . “I’m on fire!” You know the type. “Jesus Christ , help me! Put me out!” Come on, can we talk about me a little bit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p4d0s/from_an_english_joke_book/
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My wife likes to use the fact that she gave birth to our 3 children to garner sympathy points...

I tell her that they came out of me before they came out of her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p4c0d/my_wife_likes_to_use_the_fact_that_she_gave_birth/
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Was Alexander Hamilton Cold or Hot when he died?

He was cold. Because Burrr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p4bgi/was_alexander_hamilton_cold_or_hot_when_he_died/
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Started binge watching Narcos. Totally addicted!

To cocaine, not the show

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p431b/started_binge_watching_narcos_totally_addicted/
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Doc, I've got a problem with my left ear

Doc: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, I'm definite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p3wgz/doc_ive_got_a_problem_with_my_left_ear/
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Well, I just got a very bitter complaint that the polo mallet I sold on ebay was too short

I told him to get off his high horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p3veb/well_i_just_got_a_very_bitter_complaint_that_the/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

The Christian Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p3s3u/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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An old joke from about 100 years ago that's actually somewhat amusing

A Milwaukee man and his wife recently received a call from an old friend whom they had not seen for years. Just before the three sat down to a little supper in the German style, the wife, seizing a favorable opportunity, whispered to her husband:
"We have only three bottles of beer in the house—just enough to go around. Don't ask him to have more."
"Very well," answered the husband, who chanced to be thinking of something else at the time.
Half an hour later the host, to his wife's consternation, asked the guest to take more beer. The invitation was politely declined, but still the host did not desist. A dozen times the caller was urged to drink; a dozen times he firmly refused.
When he had departed the wife took her husband to task. "What on earth made you persist so? Didn't I tell you there were only three bottles? Why did you insist upon his having more beer, more beer, more beer?" "Mercy!" exclaimed the husband. "I forgot entirely." "But," continued the wife, "why did you suppose I was kicking you under the table?"
"My dear," blandly replied the husband, "you didn't kick me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p3pk7/an_old_joke_from_about_100_years_ago_thats/
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Fucking asshole with a mustache

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. Stalin then orders Zhukov brought back.
Two minutes later, Zhukov is back in the room facing Stalin.
"Comrade Zhukov," begins Stalin, "would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?"
"I said 'fucking asshole with a mustache' Comrade Stalin."
"And who did you have in mind when you said it?"
"Why, Comrade Stalin, Hitler of course..."
Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev,
"And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did **you** have in mind when he said it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p3ip5/fucking_asshole_with_a_mustache/
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The Beachboys walk into a bar.

"Round?"
"Round."
"Get a round?"
"I'll get a round."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p3i80/the_beachboys_walk_into_a_bar/
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A woman was at the doctors enquiring whether it was possible so to get a vaginal reduction

After multiple tests and doctors visits she found that she was eligible for the procedure.
After she woke up form the anaesthetic she found three beatuiful bouquets for flowers by her bed side.
One from her surgeon, saying that everything had gone smoothly and her recovery should only take a few weeks
One from her husband, saying that he couldn't  wait to get her home.
And one from little johnny in the burn unit, saying thanks for the new ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p3g3n/a_woman_was_at_the_doctors_enquiring_whether_it/
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I took part in a blindfolded masturbation competition yesterday.

No idea where I came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p3ers/i_took_part_in_a_blindfolded_masturbation/
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If the man who made walkie-talkies named a few other objects:

Laxitives: passy-gassy
Loofah: cleanie-beanie
Ocean wave: wooshy-splooshy
Socks: heaty-feeties
Musical: singy-thingy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p3amd/if_the_man_who_made_walkietalkies_named_a_few/
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What happens when your computer shocks you?

It mega-hurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p36fm/what_happens_when_your_computer_shocks_you/
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Napoleon is looking at a soldier and tells him: Bring me my horse!

And the soldier replies: Mon Dieu! Vous parlez en anglais!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p324j/napoleon_is_looking_at_a_soldier_and_tells_him/
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A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says “hey. We have a drink named after you!”

The grasshopper says, “you have a drink called Murray?”
A kid told this joke at freshman orientation at Umass. I still laugh at it. And it’s not even that funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2zac/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender/
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3 dogs walk into a bar ..

The first dog, a big dog, walks to the bar and asks for 3 frothy beers. The barman is stunned and exclaims "What!? A talking dog! I can't believe it!"
The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Huey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat.
15 minutes later the second dog, an even bigger dog, approaches the bar and orders 3 frothy beers. "You're kidding me! Another talking dog!?".
The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Duey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat.
15 minutes later the third dog approaches the bar. The barman excitedly asks "Let me guess, your name is Luey and you do regular dog things too?"
"No." the dog replied, "My name is Socks and I've had a terrible day .. just get the fucking beers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2ys7/3_dogs_walk_into_a_bar/
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The Bartender looks over at him and says “we don’t serve people who disrupt the space-time continuum.”

A Time Traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2y8l/the_bartender_looks_over_at_him_and_says_we_dont/
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Timmy: "My mom said you bought her Microsoft Office for her birthday. Is that true?"

Jimmy: "Word to your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2pj7/timmy_my_mom_said_you_bought_her_microsoft_office/
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My first used car was like my first anal experience

Didn’t like it,but grampa gave it to me anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2ndo/my_first_used_car_was_like_my_first_anal/
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Scientists have come up with a new name for experiments that utilize placebos

Trick or treatment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2mqc/scientists_have_come_up_with_a_new_name_for/
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I had a dream I was a muffler last night.

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2l5u/i_had_a_dream_i_was_a_muffler_last_night/
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I thought the math exam was bad enough. But when I finished i realised...

I had to deal with the aftermath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2joh/i_thought_the_math_exam_was_bad_enough_but_when_i/
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A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

“So he gives it to her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2jbk/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
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What do you call an acid with an attitude ?

A-mean-oh acid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2gm1/what_do_you_call_an_acid_with_an_attitude/
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Knowledge is knowing that Frankenstein is not the monster

SparkNotes is knowing that Frankenstein *is* the monster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2f8s/knowledge_is_knowing_that_frankenstein_is_not_the/
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How do you say picture in french?

J’peg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2eiy/how_do_you_say_picture_in_french/
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I'll have a club sandwich on rye.

Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2bnz/ill_have_a_club_sandwich_on_rye/
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Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Ken always comes in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2ao0/why_does_barbie_never_get_pregnant/
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Why do Paedophiles never win races?

They like to come in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p29un/why_do_paedophiles_never_win_races/
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My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p29tt/my_wife_says_if_this_post_gets_over_1000_upvotes/
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If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?

Congress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p2974/if_pro_is_the_opposite_of_con_whats_the_opposite/
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TIFU when I brought my pregnant wife home a meatball foot long instead of the teriyaki chicken she asked for

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p287y/tifu_when_i_brought_my_pregnant_wife_home_a/
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Hercules went into the Hydra's lair to slay it.

He cut off its head, and two more grew in its place.
He cut off its two heads, and four more grew in their place.
He cut off its four heads, and eight more grew in their place.
...
He cut off its 1073741824 heads, and the Hydra died of integer overflow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p23lq/hercules_went_into_the_hydras_lair_to_slay_it/
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A Scotsman decides to make a trip to America for the first time.

A scotsman decides to make a trip to America for the first time. When he got there he wanted to do the most American thing he could think of so he went to a baseball game. He had never seen the sport played before so didn't really know the rules and was just copying what the crowd was doing. A batter gets up to plate and hits a grounder right between 2nd and 3rd base and he takes off running. The crowd yells for the batter to run so the scotsman gets up and yells, "Run ye bastard! Run!" and is met by the approval of the crowd around him. the scotsman kept it up and every time he saw a batter making a run to 1st he would get up and yell, "Run ye bastard! RuN!". then a batter comes to the plate and doesn't swing at 4 wild pitches and starts walking to base. The scotsman gets up and tells, "Run ye bastard! run!" and is met by giggles from the crowd around him. The person in the seat next to him notices his confusion and explains the situation, "He has four balls, he had to walk". The scotsman gets back up and yells, "walk with pride boy! walk with pride!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p1zbw/a_scotsman_decides_to_make_a_trip_to_america_for/
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A man is processed for his first day in prison...

He's a nice man that made poor choices. Upon entering his cell, he's greeted by a massive, beast of a man with face tattoos and scars.
The beast-man looks his new cell mate up and down and finally says, "Let's play house. Do you want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
The new inmate adjusts his glasses and nervously replies, "Um. The Daddy?"
"Good. Then get over here and suck Mommy's dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p1yl0/a_man_is_processed_for_his_first_day_in_prison/
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bisexual people are like bendy straws

they're straight until you make them bend over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p1y04/bisexual_people_are_like_bendy_straws/
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Here’s one only anti-vaxxers will get

Measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p1wyv/heres_one_only_antivaxxers_will_get/
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A jewish boy's life is a lot like a game of basketball

They both begin with a tip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p1wlz/a_jewish_boys_life_is_a_lot_like_a_game_of/
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r/Jokes walks into a bar

The baretender says "Hey haven't I seen you before?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p1tju/rjokes_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why couldn't the guy ghost get the girl ghost pregnant? (This is my annual joke)

Because he had a hollow-weenie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p1q90/why_couldnt_the_guy_ghost_get_the_girl_ghost/
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What do you call drunken mathematician?

A functioning alcoholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p1hso/what_do_you_call_drunken_mathematician/
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What's the difference between a stand-up comedian and a politician?

One is dumbing it down and the other is just taking a piss....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p1gkt/whats_the_difference_between_a_standup_comedian/
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What do you call a muscular Arabian Guy?

Protein Shiekh!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p1evk/what_do_you_call_a_muscular_arabian_guy/
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There are two kinds of people in the World. People who pick their nose,

and liars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p1eqn/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_the_world_people/
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What's worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?

The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p1dce/whats_worse_than_the_doctor_putting_his_hand_on/
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I have CDO

It's like OCD but in the correct alphabetical order

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p1bi9/i_have_cdo/
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Stolen from r/DadJokes.

## Converting the number 51, 6 and 500 to Roman numerals doesn’t just make me mad....
It makes me LIVID.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p18p4/stolen_from_rdadjokes/
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An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar

I only know because they told everyone within two minutes of arriving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p12m1/an_atheist_a_vegan_and_a_crossfitter_walk_into_a/
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How do Germans turn lights off?

The offschwitz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p12fz/how_do_germans_turn_lights_off/
%
"Tom, why did you stop wearing glasses right before we started dating?"

"It made both of us look better!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p1270/tom_why_did_you_stop_wearing_glasses_right_before/
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IDK why some people find dung beetles repulsive. They build their own houses, they work for their food, they don't bother anybody

Seems to me like they really have their shit together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p112v/idk_why_some_people_find_dung_beetles_repulsive/
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A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's **a lot** of information to swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p0vxc/a_single_sperm_has_375_mb_of_dna_information_in/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call him whatever you want ... he ain't comin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p0vn6/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p0us7/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?

A private toot-er

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p0pyj/what_do_you_call_a_teacher_who_doesnt_fart_in/
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An excellent farmer isn't just good at his job

He's out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p0jcs/an_excellent_farmer_isnt_just_good_at_his_job/
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A ditty for r/jokes

I sat on the shitter, in thought, o so deep, as I browsed upon Reddit 'till my my legs were asleep.
T'was on r/jokes, this fateful night,
You see, i'd tried to find a reposter, with whom to fight.
As you can imagine, this was no great feat,               because history on Reddit is simply bound to repeat.
But as I scrolled further, to my surprise, I found,
a post whose humour was truly quite profound.
I gasped and shivered in apprehension               and I stared at the screen in rapt attention
I slowly whispered to myself "Could- could it be?
Someone had really posted some good OC!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p0h2s/a_ditty_for_rjokes/
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What does every women in the world need?

Nothing....they're fine...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p0gbq/what_does_every_women_in_the_world_need/
%
The Boston Symphony were performing Beethoven’s Ninth

In the piece, there’s a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak out and go to a nearby tavern for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as double bassists do), one of them looks at his watch. “Hey! We need to be heading back!”
“No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist, “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to untangle it.”
A few moments later they staggered back into the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
“Well of course,” said her companion, “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p0ft5/the_boston_symphony_were_performing_beethovens/
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Mother daughter action.

A man in his 20's and a few of his friend were at a bar for drinks when a lady in her mid to late 40's started to buy him drinks. Throughout the coarse of the night she kept insisting he go back to her place just around the corner. The man was reluctant but his friends were encouraging him to do it and in a final attempt to lure him back the lady offered him some mother daughter action if he joins her. Know all excited he follows the lady's lead back to her house. Once home she proceeds to light some candles and put some sensual music on and then started passionately kissing him. The man thinks he has been tricked when the lady stops and says I'm forgetting something, she walks over to the stairs and yells out to up stairs hey mum I've got one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p0ees/mother_daughter_action/
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection...

Except Up. He’s never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p0bvu/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
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I want to get a job cleaning mirrors

That's something I could really see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p0b6f/i_want_to_get_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
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Two lawyers are friends and have lunch with each other

They always have lunch in their cramped offices. One day, one of the lawyers said to the other, "We should go downstairs to the deli and have lunch there, there's much more room."
The other agreed and they went downstairs to the deli.
When they sat down, the waitress came over and asked if they needed anything. They both said no and took out their own sandwiches.
The waitress then called over the manager and the manager told the lawyers they were in a restaurant and they couldn't eat their own lunch there.
So, the lawyers swapped sandwiches with each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p07us/two_lawyers_are_friends_and_have_lunch_with_each/
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My wife let me name our daughter, convinced I wouldn't give her a stupid name.

But I called her Bluff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p07ez/my_wife_let_me_name_our_daughter_convinced_i/
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My dad died last year because I couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept saying be positive, but it's been really hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p03fj/my_dad_died_last_year_because_i_couldnt_remember/
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I hate people who do anal

They're fucking assholes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p01s7/i_hate_people_who_do_anal/
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How do Muppets die?

They Kermit Suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9p008i/how_do_muppets_die/
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My wife thinks I'm boring in bed and I get distracted too easily …

Well, I guess I’d better get back to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ozx1y/my_wife_thinks_im_boring_in_bed_and_i_get/
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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head and I'll give these two a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ozwrp/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
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A nice one from my dad who is a chef.

A man goes to a fancy restaurant. The head waiter seats him and he receives the menu. The man orders a three course dinner.
The waitor comes out with the precourse which is a soup. The man couldn't help noticing the waitor having his thumb in the soup,but decides to eat the soup any way.
When it was time for the main course, same thing happens again. The waitor has his thumb in the gravy. The man is getting irritated, but decides to not make scene.
Then it was time for dessert and coffee. The waitor comes out with the dessert and a cup of coffee. And this time the waitor has his thumb in the coffee.
So the man gets angry and asks the waitor:
- why do you have your thumb in every food I have had this evening?
The waitor replies:
- oh I have a infection in my thumb, and my doctor says I should keep it warm.
The man gets really pissed and yells:
- but shove it up your ass then, if you need to keep it warm!
The waitor replies:
- yes I already do that when I am in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ozthq/a_nice_one_from_my_dad_who_is_a_chef/
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I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”

“2 or 3” she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ozqmt/i_asked_my_mom_how_much_is_a_couple/
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A man went into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the  pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
He said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable  discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him  that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed  to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the  highest level of professionalism.
So he agreed  and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a  permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe  embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it." She asked if she could have a look at the problem and reluctantly he showed her. The  pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister."
When  she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute  best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $1,500 a  month into a nominated account of your choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ozonb/a_man_went_into_a_drug_store_and_asked_to_talk_to/
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Ralph came home drunk one night

slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’
Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’
St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’
Ralph  was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his  home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,  and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’
’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’
’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’
’Never, ’ said Ralph.
’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . .
"Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ozn43/ralph_came_home_drunk_one_night/
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A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest

were out for a Sunday  afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed  engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the  plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled  to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The  priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long  and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take  the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the  parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The  'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ozm4y/a_doctor_a_lawyer_a_little_boy_and_a_priest/
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Plateaus

The highest form of flattery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ozkdt/plateaus/
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After struggling for half an hour trying to get my wife’s bra off, I finally gave up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ozj4f/after_struggling_for_half_an_hour_trying_to_get/
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The doctor told me I’m colour blind.

That really came out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oze8g/the_doctor_told_me_im_colour_blind/
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England is a great country because they kicked out all their worst people.

They sent their religious nuts to America, their criminals to Australia and the people who would live with the French to Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ozdor/england_is_a_great_country_because_they_kicked/
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My grandpa (age 92) told me this joke.

"I'm getting so old that I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning... And I have oatmeal every morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oz9x1/my_grandpa_age_92_told_me_this_joke/
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Electricians need to strip

To make ends meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oz73b/electricians_need_to_strip/
%
What happens when Theresa May takes over a country?

She Brexit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oz6lx/what_happens_when_theresa_may_takes_over_a_country/
%
Damn women drivers!

This morning on the highway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 kms with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds... to continue shaving... and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much;
I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Cell Phone away from my ear which fell into my coffee, between my legs!
Splashed, and burned Big Peter and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oz5qy/damn_women_drivers/
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What did the sand say to the gravel when asked "How are you?"

I am FINE bro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oz3rt/what_did_the_sand_say_to_the_gravel_when_asked/
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A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oz13s/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_says_wow/
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Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore

A buddy of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oz0x9/condoms_dont_guarantee_safe_sex_anymore/
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What do you call it when a company that sells milk doesn't have have any cows in roles of power

Lactation without Representation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oyv85/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_company_that_sells/
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schrodinger‘s cat walks into a bar..

...and it doesn’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oytqv/schrodingers_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
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I invented a new game similar to rock paper scissors.

You have 3 cards with a color on one side and white on the other.
You and your opponent choose a card, show it face down (white part), and simultaneously switch it to know the winner.
Every player has 3 cards of 3 different colors, representing some natural elements: Blue, Red and Brown, for Water, Fire and Wood respectively.
Narutally, blue beats red, as water extinguishes fire.
Red beats brown, as fire burns wood.
Brown beats Rihanna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oykjc/i_invented_a_new_game_similar_to_rock_paper/
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What does a magician say when he does a trick with a dead body?

Abra-cadaver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oyiln/what_does_a_magician_say_when_he_does_a_trick/
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I got back very late from a bar drunk as a skunk

As quietly as i could I sneaked into the bedroom and my wife was sleeping. I got into bed and she grabbed me and starting fondling me. So drunk and horny we went for it.
After, I slipped out of bed while my wife was sleeping and went to the bathroom feeling good and walked in to see my wife on the toilet.
Confused I said "how did you get in here? You were sleeping a minute ago"  she said "sssshhh! You will wake my mum up in our bed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oyhq9/i_got_back_very_late_from_a_bar_drunk_as_a_skunk/
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My wife asked me to stop singing "Im a believer", I was sure she was joking...

but then I saw her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oyhhv/my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_singing_im_a_believer_i/
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What do Youtube and your asshole have in common ?

When it's not working, you start loosing your shit badly, and you realize how lucky you are that it's usually working really fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oyghr/what_do_youtube_and_your_asshole_have_in_common/
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Who's horse is that?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?" The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?" The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good." The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?" Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?" "Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oyfr4/whos_horse_is_that/
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Why do people never go to Tatooine?

Terrible ratings. Two stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oyeub/why_do_people_never_go_to_tatooine/
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So today my wife told me “there would be no wars if women ruled the world.”

And I responded with “yeah that’s because war takes strategy and logic
In other words does anybody have an extra couch I can sleep on for the next year or two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oyafv/so_today_my_wife_told_me_there_would_be_no_wars/
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Bill walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just as it comes driving by.

He gets into the taxi, and the driver says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Smith. He's this guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
"There are always a few clouds over everyone," says Bill.
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Bill.
"I married his widow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oya4l/bill_walks_out_into_the_street_and_manages_to_get/
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What do you call a Sith Missionary? [OC by my 7yr old son]

The Apostle Maul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oy3ee/what_do_you_call_a_sith_missionary_oc_by_my_7yr/
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I don't understand why anyone would want to use a disabled toilet.

I prefer to use ones that are still working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oy33c/i_dont_understand_why_anyone_would_want_to_use_a/
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“I am a gigabyte,” said the megabyte.

“But you’re only 1/1024th of a gigabtye.”
“Good enough for Elizabeth Warren.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oxzfq/i_am_a_gigabyte_said_the_megabyte/
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Went to the doctor for my physical

When it came time to do the prostate exam, I asked where I should put my pants. He said on the rack next to his.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oxy1k/went_to_the_doctor_for_my_physical/
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There's three types of people in this world...

Those who can count, and those who can't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oxv7e/theres_three_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and doesn't notice a patrol car pull up.
The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but why are you fucking a pumpkin?" The guy looks around in complete horror and says, "A pumpkin? Ah, fuck - is it midnight already?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oxuhp/a_man_was_driving_home_late_one_nighton_a_lonely/
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My friend said "you know what rhymes with orange"

I said "No it fucking doesn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oxtmu/my_friend_said_you_know_what_rhymes_with_orange/
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A lot of my friends really struggle hard with drug addiction, depression, and a feeling of indifference to the world.

But they always came easily for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oxrma/a_lot_of_my_friends_really_struggle_hard_with/
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A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says "make me one with everything."

The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
"Where's my change?" the monk asks.
The vendor replies,
"change comes from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oxm4n/a_buddhist_monk_approaches_a_burger_foodtruck_and/
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My mom is a shia and dad is a sunni, i guess you can say i am

Bi-sectual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oxlm4/my_mom_is_a_shia_and_dad_is_a_sunni_i_guess_you/
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I recently went to the dentist and he wanted to take a mould of my mouth. When he was done he didn't like the mould so he asked me to do it again.

I said "WHAT?!  I usually make a good first impression..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oxkkr/i_recently_went_to_the_dentist_and_he_wanted_to/
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I went for my interview to be a bus driver.

I said, "Sorry I'm late."
They said, "You're hired"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oxkdp/i_went_for_my_interview_to_be_a_bus_driver/
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What's a surefire way to never forget your wife's birthday?

Forget it once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oxewh/whats_a_surefire_way_to_never_forget_your_wifes/
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What is a drunk?

A father and son are standing outside talking one day when the son asks his father what a drunk was.
"Well son, do you see those four trees over there? Someone who was drunk would look over there and see eight trees."
"Umm... dad, " the son answers, "there's only two trees over there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oxaf9/what_is_a_drunk/
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There are two kinds of people in this world.

Those who classify others into one of two groups, and those who don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ox9ae/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
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YouTube reminds me of your mom

It went down on all of America last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ox8ho/youtube_reminds_me_of_your_mom/
%
After binge watching CNN, fox, and msnbc - simultaneously - for nearly two days - a man decided he would hang himself in protest of the media's lack of integrity...

Thankfully was unsuccessful. The rope broke.
He probably would be dead right now if not for that fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ox603/after_binge_watching_cnn_fox_and_msnbc/
%
I walked in on my wife in the bathroom

She was naked standing over a mirror which was placed under herself on the floor. And she was looking down on herself to see her lady parts.
I rushed in and pushed her way from the mirror and she feel and banged her arm on the bathtub.
She said "you just about broke my arm"
I said "Well if you had fallen in that hole you would have broke your neck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ox3s0/i_walked_in_on_my_wife_in_the_bathroom/
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termites on a date

Waiter: What would you like to order, sir?
Termite: Table for two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ox0vg/termites_on_a_date/
%
Why did the blind man fall into the well?

He could not see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ox038/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
%
I'm allergic to vaseline.

Don't rub it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9owx5k/im_allergic_to_vaseline/
%
Why did Stalin round up all the women in the USSR?

To seize the means of reproduction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9owpqm/why_did_stalin_round_up_all_the_women_in_the_ussr/
%
Did you know dogs can’t have an MRI?

But cat scan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9owfsb/did_you_know_dogs_cant_have_an_mri/
%
Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East..

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9owd2r/dire_straits_are_looking_for_an_agent_in_the/
%
What did one German say to the other German?

I don't know.
I don't speak German.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9owc00/what_did_one_german_say_to_the_other_german/
%
What did the cannibal eat for breakfast?

Sam and eggs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ow7ly/what_did_the_cannibal_eat_for_breakfast/
%
Someone from /r/Germany wanted a french maid so he visits /r/France...

French users were discussing how hard it is to get a job in France and there was more jobs in Germany. The moderator asks German guy why he was visiting /r/France. The no nonsense German guy says "business". The mod asks "Occupation?" To which German guy responds, "Not today"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ow73l/someone_from_rgermany_wanted_a_french_maid_so_he/
%
I had to take a hepatitis test today

I studied real hard and still got a "C"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ow5zs/i_had_to_take_a_hepatitis_test_today/
%
A joke about a broken mint:

Nevermind, it doesn't make any cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ow5fs/a_joke_about_a_broken_mint/
%
There are two types of people in this world

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ow2nm/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They are already experts at recycling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ow1d3/top_reddit_posters_should_use_their_karma_to_help/
%
The Farmer’s Cock

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all of the farmer’s 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.. Next day, it’s fucking the ducks, the hens, and all the geese too!  Sadly, later in the day, the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half dead, vultures circling overhead. The farmer says to the cock, “You deserved it you horny bastard!” The cock opens one eye, points up and says “Shhhhhh, they’re about to land!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovyv1/the_farmers_cock/
%
Joe, Harley & Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle.
He doesn't have much breakthrough, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they took the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says,
'I have to tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says..
And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sat down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, and Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and Mom is beaming from ear to ear.
But still ....
Total silence....
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts....
*"I'll do the fuckin’ dishes.!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovwvm/joe_harley_vaseline/
%
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who understand the binary system, and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovwlv/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
%
The phone company has been calling me everday threatening to to disconnect me if I don't pay my bill.

I'm glad they finally stopped calling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovu0w/the_phone_company_has_been_calling_me_everday/
%
What do you call a group of people called to testify at the Salem witch trials?

Witchnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovu09/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_people_called_to/
%
Why will the "Reddit Book" be missing a cover?

Because you only start at the front page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovtta/why_will_the_reddit_book_be_missing_a_cover/
%
My SO is like Youtube

She goes down on everybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovriz/my_so_is_like_youtube/
%
Christen Joke

Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovqhl/christen_joke/
%
A few men are sitting in a submarine and decide to get high.

There they sit in the submarine, quiet and contemplative - a bunch of subdudes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovpw7/a_few_men_are_sitting_in_a_submarine_and_decide/
%
My wife’s been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst.

So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovk3l/my_wifes_been_missing_a_week_now_the_police_said/
%
Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery?

It's ground breaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovjr9/did_you_hear_about_the_new_plate_tectonics/
%
I like my men like I like my diamonds

Perfectly cut and hard as a rock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovixe/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_diamonds/
%
A man went to the Police Station...

...wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovh27/a_man_went_to_the_police_station/
%
Once you’ve seen one shopping center......

You’ve seen the mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oveyo/once_youve_seen_one_shopping_center/
%
If the US switched from pounds to kilograms...

It would cause mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovdag/if_the_us_switched_from_pounds_to_kilograms/
%
I was reading this non-friction book

It was hard to grasp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ovatm/i_was_reading_this_nonfriction_book/
%
301 day without sex:

I will not eat hotdogs in public for now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ov9kd/301_day_without_sex/
%
Why does Santa Clause have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ov80n/why_does_santa_clause_have_such_a_big_sack/
%
I always tell people to drink water.

i think water could solve alot of health problems. People always tell me I feel sick, i say drink some water, I feel sleepy, drink some water, my parents are getting divorced, drink some water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ov2e3/i_always_tell_people_to_drink_water/
%
Pretty sure my dick is useless. It never comes during sex. It never comes during blowjobs.

But it might just come in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ouzxn/pretty_sure_my_dick_is_useless_it_never_comes/
%
My friend wanted to shoot an apple off my head but I was scared. He said "don't be chicken!"

So I ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ouxj6/my_friend_wanted_to_shoot_an_apple_off_my_head/
%
What's a martial artists favorite drink?

Wata!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ouxhh/whats_a_martial_artists_favorite_drink/
%
Wanna know how to pick up that girl you like?

Hit the gym for a few weeks, then lift with your legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ouutx/wanna_know_how_to_pick_up_that_girl_you_like/
%
How come all the other planets are named after cool stuff like gods?

Meanwhile, Earth is named after that dirty shit on the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oupfd/how_come_all_the_other_planets_are_named_after/
%
A girlfriend says to her boyfriend: “Oh my god give it to me! God give it to me I’m so fucking wet!”

Boyfriend: “I don’t care how wet you are, it’s my umbrella.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ouoz3/a_girlfriend_says_to_her_boyfriend_oh_my_god_give/
%
Did you hear about the lazy man who only has sex with midgets?

He tends to do very little, people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ou5yh/did_you_hear_about_the_lazy_man_who_only_has_sex/
%
An Elderly Couple Watching Television

Elderly couple... sitting down watching television
when the commercials come on, the husband smiles at his wife and says, I would love some ice cream right now.
His wife says, me too! What do you want, I’ll go get it.
Husband: I’d like to have 2 scoops of vanilla with chocolate and caramel syrup whipped cream and a cherry on top.
Wait, let me write that down for you so you don’t forget.
Wife: You don’t have to write anything down, I’m not old like you. I’ll remember and bring it back in a few minutes.
After a while, the wife comes back with a tray and proudly boasts, I remembered everything you asked for, Ive got eggs, sunny side up, bacon and orange juice.
Sighing heavily with his hand on his head, the husband says, No you didn’t! You forgot the toast!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ou4he/an_elderly_couple_watching_television/
%
As a doctor, I get a load of stupid questions.

Just the other day some dumbass came in asking if I can fix his internal bleeding.  That’s where the blood is supposed to be, moron!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ou3f2/as_a_doctor_i_get_a_load_of_stupid_questions/
%
A son asks his father what an alcoholic is

The father replies “Well son do you see those 4 cars outside? An alcoholic would see 8”
The son responds “But dad, there’s only 2 cars!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ou0j3/a_son_asks_his_father_what_an_alcoholic_is/
%
My grandmother is an amazing woman. Ninety three years old and she doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight out of the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9otwuf/my_grandmother_is_an_amazing_woman_ninety_three/
%
They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9otord/they_should_stock_atms_better/
%
My dwarf friend got fired from his low paying waiter job.

He was struggling to put food on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9otl90/my_dwarf_friend_got_fired_from_his_low_paying/
%
My Wife said she wanted a divorce.

Me: "Why? Is it because of my small wrists?"
Her: "Yes"
Me: *Takes of my bracelet* "here, take your ring back then"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9othcv/my_wife_said_she_wanted_a_divorce/
%
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9otgts/whats_the_difference_between_hungry_and_horny/
%
What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9otful/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
%
2, 4, 6, and 8 are in a fight with 1, 3, 5, and 7

I don't know who will win... it's even odds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9otf60/2_4_6_and_8_are_in_a_fight_with_1_3_5_and_7/
%
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9otats/what_do_liquid_draino_and_a_dutch_stripper_have/
%
What do an actor and a person with Alzheimer’s have in common?

They both act like it’s the first time they’ve had this conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ot7zm/what_do_an_actor_and_a_person_with_alzheimers/
%
It’s a great feeling when your phone learns that you swear ...

and eventually quits ducking up your words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ot72q/its_a_great_feeling_when_your_phone_learns_that/
%
What does a gamer say when they alt-tab by mistake?

wwwwwwwwwwwwwww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ot50n/what_does_a_gamer_say_when_they_alttab_by_mistake/
%
Girls are like boomerangs

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ot1cl/girls_are_like_boomerangs/
%
Should I post a joke about sodium?

Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ot18c/should_i_post_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
If I buy a Prius, I’ll make sure to put a bobblehead Yoda figurine on the dash

Then I’ll have a toy Yoda in my Toyota.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ot0ol/if_i_buy_a_prius_ill_make_sure_to_put_a/
%
The IRS Audits A Gambling Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9osxv5/the_irs_audits_a_gambling_grandpa/
%
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9osw9a/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
%
Why can't Helen Keller play the piano?

Because she's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9osvtz/why_cant_helen_keller_play_the_piano/
%
A boy in bath with his mum asks: "What's that hairy thing?

Mum says:"That's my sponge.
The says: "Oh yeah, babysitters got one too. I have seen her washing Dads face with it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ost2q/a_boy_in_bath_with_his_mum_asks_whats_that_hairy/
%
I need glasses in order to see my family

Specifically two glasses of scotch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9osrxh/i_need_glasses_in_order_to_see_my_family/
%
What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?

A stick of gum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9osnbn/what_goes_in_hard_and_dry_and_comes_out_soft_and/
%
When my wife told me she was giving birth

I said, "Ha! You must be kidding!"
She sighed and said, "Can we please just call it giving birth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9osm0u/when_my_wife_told_me_she_was_giving_birth/
%
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food? Never?

Neither have Ethiopians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oshtr/have_you_ever_tried_ethiopian_food_never/
%
I read a book the other day,

it said 3-4 years on it but it only took me a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oshrj/i_read_a_book_the_other_day/
%
What kind of ant is good at math?

An accountant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9osg1q/what_kind_of_ant_is_good_at_math/
%
Why do jails receive more funding than nursing homes?

The politicians who make the budget don't worry about ending up in nursing homes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9osf4h/why_do_jails_receive_more_funding_than_nursing/
%
One day Adam stood in the garden of Eden and asked

"God, what is this life without a companion to live it with?"
God looked down upon Adam and responded. "How Adam, would you like your companion to be formed?"
"God, I would like you to create for me a companion who is beautiful as a sunrise, smells like wild flowers, is as wise as an owl and makes me want to ravish her every time I lay my eyes upon her."
God said "Adam, I can do anything I wish so can create this image for you, but this will cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam pulled a face and said "Oof, what could you give me for a rib??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9osevy/one_day_adam_stood_in_the_garden_of_eden_and_asked/
%
Simple Math

I'm at work and go to use the Hand Sanitizer. I put 2 pumps in my hands and rub it in. My boss goes, "Why do you use 2 pumps? You only need 1." to which I reply, "Simple math. You use 1 pump and it kills 99.99% of germs, so if you use 2 pumps, you kill almost 200% of germs!"
XD This concerned look came across his face and I just walked away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oschk/simple_math/
%
Hitler calls for a meeting

Hitler calls a meeting of his best soldiers and commanders and tells them "Alright I want to order the assassination of one thousand jews and four hedgehogs." Then one of his generals stands and says "But... Mein furhur why four hedgehogs?" Hitler then smiles and says "See? No one gives a f*ck about the jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9os8rt/hitler_calls_for_a_meeting/
%
If you take a shower with your clothes on, it shows you're crazy.

If you take a shower with your clothes off, it shows your nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9os8r1/if_you_take_a_shower_with_your_clothes_on_it/
%
What do you call a Chinese midget?

Half Ling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9os4bt/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_midget/
%
Batman and robin got in the batmobile, but it doesn’t start. Robin says, check the "battery"

Batman says, "what’s a tery?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9os33b/batman_and_robin_got_in_the_batmobile_but_it/
%
I hate big dick and small dick jokes, I have a medium dick...

It can talk to ghosts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9orzqe/i_hate_big_dick_and_small_dick_jokes_i_have_a/
%
A woman delivers a baby

The doctor takes the baby, throws it against the wall, smashes it against the hospital equipment, drop-kicks it, etc. The mom starts freaking out, is being held back by nurses screaming "WHYYYYYYY THE FUCK???!?!?"
The doctor then suddenly stops, holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says "Ahh I'm just messing with you ma'am, it was stillborn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9orzku/a_woman_delivers_a_baby/
%
what did Socialists use before candles?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9orwip/what_did_socialists_use_before_candles/
%
What’s the real definition of a will?

I hear it’s a dead giveaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9orvna/whats_the_real_definition_of_a_will/
%
A plane crashes on the border of Canada and the U.S. Where do they bury the survivors?

Doesn't matter as long as they aren't caught

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ortc7/a_plane_crashes_on_the_border_of_canada_and_the/
%
2 and 8 got into a brawl with 4 and 6

It was an even fight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9orrv1/2_and_8_got_into_a_brawl_with_4_and_6/
%
They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic...

but so far I've made three jugs and a vase!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9orqt9/they_told_me_id_never_be_good_at_poetry_because/
%
Guy and blonde in a bar

A gorgeous Australian blonde and a guy are sitting next to each other in a bar. Both of them are watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you a kiss he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the blonde. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The hot blonde leans over to kiss the guy. "I can't kiss you," said the first guy abruptly. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No Worries," said the blonde. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9orny8/guy_and_blonde_in_a_bar/
%
If you ever find yourself being attacked by a gang of clowns...

You should go straight for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ormqa/if_you_ever_find_yourself_being_attacked_by_a/
%
How did the Grammar Nazi die?

Colon Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9orlww/how_did_the_grammar_nazi_die/
%
A kid comes to his grandfather...

*"Hey Gramps, do you want to watch soccer with me?*
*"Sure, who's playing?"*
*"Austria-Hungary"*
*"Against whom?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9orijs/a_kid_comes_to_his_grandfather/
%
Lasagne is the GILF of foods...

...It's got culture and good taste, but down below its just a sloppy cheesy mess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9orac2/lasagne_is_the_gilf_of_foods/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender

I’d have a shitty, overused joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9or9wb/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
The doctor told me I only have 2 months to live due to cancer...

So I killed the doctor and the judge gave me 20 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9or7wr/the_doctor_told_me_i_only_have_2_months_to_live/
%
A man got rushed to the hospital because he swallowed 8 miniature horses.

He is stable now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9or6vt/a_man_got_rushed_to_the_hospital_because_he/
%
How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?

Zero. It should be open when she brings it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9or60e/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_open_a_beer_bottle/
%
What do all the Rainforest Animals say when the Jaguar finishes their shower?

They can't say anything, as the Jaguar is totally spotless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9or40p/what_do_all_the_rainforest_animals_say_when_the/
%
What do you call someone with experience in spices

A seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9or2h5/what_do_you_call_someone_with_experience_in_spices/
%
Donald Trump, Cristiano Ronaldo, and Macaulay Culkin all die and visit God...

And God says "I can't decide whether to send you guys to heaven or hell. So I'm going to test you. I'll let you return to earth, but each of you have to promise to give up something that you love the most.  However, if you break your promise you'll go to hell"
Macaulay Culkin gives up pizza. Donald Trump gives up money. And Cristiano Ronaldo gives up fooling around with men.
They all return to earth. As the three of them are walking down the street Macaulay Culkin sees a pizza shop. He can't help himself and goes in to get a quick bite.
BOOM, he breaks his promise and goes to hell.
Donald Trump sees a shiny quarter. He bends over to pick it up.
BOOM, him and Cristiano Ronaldo go to hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9or1fj/donald_trump_cristiano_ronaldo_and_macaulay/
%
Don't share eye drops..

You never know where that person's eye has been.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oqxac/dont_share_eye_drops/
%
Jesus is watching you.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oqvtn/jesus_is_watching_you/
%
What is the best selling sex toy in all of Wales?

A pair of velcro gloves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oqr6j/what_is_the_best_selling_sex_toy_in_all_of_wales/
%
I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

Then I thought,look what’s telling me that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oqlyc/i_used_to_think_the_brain_was_the_most_important/
%
Decided to join a trampolining class today.

It had its ups and downs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oqj7k/decided_to_join_a_trampolining_class_today/
%
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oqhqh/what_do_you_call_a_snobby_criminal_going_down_the/
%
What do you call an article full of mean dead girls

Ab o-bitch-uary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oqe7i/what_do_you_call_an_article_full_of_mean_dead/
%
Did you hear about that librarian who bumped her head?

She had no one to blame but her shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oqdgn/did_you_hear_about_that_librarian_who_bumped_her/
%
I caught my husband coming to a brothel and I'm not sure what to do now.

On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oqcgf/i_caught_my_husband_coming_to_a_brothel_and_im/
%
To neigh, or not to neigh...

That is equestrian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oqb3m/to_neigh_or_not_to_neigh/
%
A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are talking about their lives.

Cucumber says: "Man, when I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and put me in salad"
Pickle says: "Man, when I get big, fat and juicy they put me in vinegar and onions for a month, then they cut me up and use me as relish"
Penis thinks for a second and replies: "When I get big, fat and juicy, they put a bag over my head, put me in a dark, wet chamber, bang my head against a wall for 7 minutes, then I throw up all over my self and I pass out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oqahq/a_cucumber_a_pickle_and_a_penis_are_talking_about/
%
Blonde in a bar

A gorgeous Australian blonde and a guy are sitting next to each other in a bar. Both of them are watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you a kiss he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the blonde. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The hot blonde leans over to kiss the guy. "I can't kiss you," said the first guy abruptly. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No Worries," said the blonde. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oq1dp/blonde_in_a_bar/
%
There was a bit of anxiety at the airport as there was a rainstorm at the destination

But the pilots could handle it. They were on a long flight, so they killed time with casual conversation. They were good friends so conversation naturally went well.
After a 16 hour flight, they began to descend, when all of a sudden one pilot began getting short and upset with his responses.
The other pilot caught on and asked what was wrong, his friend replies
"I don't know, I'm just feeling a bit under the weather"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9opv3n/there_was_a_bit_of_anxiety_at_the_airport_as/
%
Two plumbers were evaluating the situation

In a bathroom they were supposed to update. They had been on the job for two weeks, but the homeowner was very indecisive and struggling to make any decisions. They finally got the shower done along with the tile work and the sink, but the homeowner still couldn’t decide on which toilet they wanted. As they were standing in the bathroom, checking out the situation, one plumber asked the other “which toilet do you think they will go with?  Plumber two replied “hell, i don’t know, at this point, it’s a crap chute”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9opuxf/two_plumbers_were_evaluating_the_situation/
%
What’s bill Cosby’s favorite Disney movie

Sleeping beauty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9opp6h/whats_bill_cosbys_favorite_disney_movie/
%
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?

They’re both a great ride until someone sees you on one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9opp4y/what_do_mopeds_and_fat_ladies_have_in_common/
%
Stalking

The definition of stalking is when two people go on a long, romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9opp2f/stalking/
%
How do you find Will Smith in snow?

Just look for Fresh Prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9opedf/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_snow/
%
"Mom, I'm almost 17 now. When will I get my period like the other girls?"

"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9opdw1/mom_im_almost_17_now_when_will_i_get_my_period/
%
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9opcc4/when_i_was_a_teen_my_dad_showed_me_a_30_minute/
%
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 all piled on top of each other

The odds were stacked against me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oozfd/i_got_into_a_fight_with_1_3_5_7_and_9_all_piled/
%
My wife is turning 32 soon..

I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. "After all," I said,
"The celebrations are only going to last half a minute."
"What are you talking about?" she asked.
I said, "It’s your thirty-second birthday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ooybx/my_wife_is_turning_32_soon/
%
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ootfg/what_do_a_christmas_tree_and_a_priest_have_in/
%
There was this guy named Stan

that played a guitar, but he had a bit of a problem. He would get a hard-on every time he played it, so he decided to see a doctor. The doctor asked him to demonstrate the "problem". He began playing his guitar and before he knew it the doctor stopped him and said: It's very simple. Your body gets stimulated because you play like a cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oosgu/there_was_this_guy_named_stan/
%
I re-subscribed to the Nostalgia subreddit today

But it's not like what it used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ooq70/i_resubscribed_to_the_nostalgia_subreddit_today/
%
What did the German boy say to his brother after their mom fell off a cliff?

Look Hans, no Ma!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oondt/what_did_the_german_boy_say_to_his_brother_after/
%
How much does a 5-course Chinese dinner weigh?

Only wonton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oon1m/how_much_does_a_5course_chinese_dinner_weigh/
%
What’s worse than raping Helen Keller

Breaking her fingers so she can’t tell anybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oomyq/whats_worse_than_raping_helen_keller/
%
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oom8l/a_mother_is_in_the_kitchen_making_dinner_for_her/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.  The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"  "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."  The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"  The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."  The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"  Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"  The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ook26/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat_next/
%
Missiles

They don't sound very accurate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oohtd/missiles/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first orders a pint, the second orders half a pint, then  a quarter, then an eight...
Eventually the barmen hands over two pints saying "you mathematicians, you just don't know your limits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oogo9/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
A man's car breaks down outside a monastery..

..he knocks on the door, and seeing how it's getting late, asks if he can stay for supper. "I've been fishing all day, I've got plenty of fish to share for dinner". The monks let him in, and he has a fantastic supper on fish and chips. He's so impressed, he says "I'm going into the kitchen to find the cook and give them my compliments." In the kitchen, he sees someone in a habit walking by. "Excuse me", he says, "are you the fish frier?". The person replies: "No, I'm the chip monk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ooebw/a_mans_car_breaks_down_outside_a_monastery/
%
How to tell the gender of ANY animal

SIMPLE - Just give it some food!
If she eats the food, then it's a girl.
But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ood3r/how_to_tell_the_gender_of_any_animal/
%
I’ve got to get into shape for my new job as a cheese grater.

I’ve got to get shredded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oo16r/ive_got_to_get_into_shape_for_my_new_job_as_a/
%
My thesaurus is so bad...

...you might even say it’s bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onzll/my_thesaurus_is_so_bad/
%
Cars can change, too

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta.
Now it’s a Ford Focus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onytg/cars_can_change_too/
%
Bought my coworker a "get better soon" card.

They aren't sick, I just think they could do better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onwhp/bought_my_coworker_a_get_better_soon_card/
%
My mate Jeff met a girl on Tinder who invited him back to her flat for a threesome with her twin...

Apparently her brothers moustache was really tickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onuju/my_mate_jeff_met_a_girl_on_tinder_who_invited_him/
%
A sweet young girl entered a pet shop

and asked, "Do you have widdle wabbits?"
The  shopkeeper knelt down, smiled and asked, "Do you want a widdle white  wabby, or a thoft fuwwy bwack wabby, or a cute widdle bwown wabby?"
She put her hands on her hips and said quietly, "I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onswk/a_sweet_young_girl_entered_a_pet_shop/
%
Billy's visit to the brothel

A group of young guys were out drinking one night when it was discovered that one of them, young Billy ,  was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn’t right, and pooled their  money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going outto visit a brothel. So off they go.
Upon entering, the ring leader went to the madam,  explained the situation and gave her $200.  She assured him she would fix Billy up right; so they all left him there to enjoy himself.
Being naive Billy asks the madame what’s going on. She explains to him that he is about to become a man, courtesy of his friends.
"All you have to do is choose one of my girls and she will take care of you."
Well Billy looks around at the group of women before him and, after several minutes of pondering, picks a likely looking girl to take upstairs.
Once they are in their room, the girl says to Billy, " I hear you’re a virgin boy. So what’s your pleasure? You want missionary, doggy style, "round the world, 69 or what?"
Billy says, " Gosh lady, just give me what you think I oughta have."
"No Boy, I’m a professional. You need to tell me what you want."
Billy decides 69 sounds pretty good, so they settle into the proper position. After several minutes of missing the target, Billy finally gets it right and is starting to enjoy. Sadly she'd had beans for tea and lets loose a little fart in his face.
Billy shakes his head, thinking it’s part of the fun, and continues licking away.
A little while later, she passes wind again.
Billy still thinks it’s part of the fun and dives back in with a vengeance, licking like there’s no tomorrow.
A few minutes later, she really lets rip with a fart that curls Billy’s eyebrows.
He  pushes her off of his face and says, "Lady, I don’t want you to think  I’m not enjoyin' myself or anything but I’ll be damned if I can take  another 66 of those."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ons7e/billys_visit_to_the_brothel/
%
I bet r/EstonianStandUpComedy would be even better than r/Jokes...

Because the best jokes are always in the subtitles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onrxd/i_bet_restonianstandupcomedy_would_be_even_better/
%
What do you call a haunted prison in Russia?

A ghoulag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onpws/what_do_you_call_a_haunted_prison_in_russia/
%
A woman in her eighties made the evening news

because she was getting  married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed  by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to  be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous  experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband  was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to  her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker  when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring  master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties,  a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had  married men with such diverse careers.
With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onozi/a_woman_in_her_eighties_made_the_evening_news/
%
What did one feminist boob say to the other?

We better get some support before someone thinks we’re nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onoh0/what_did_one_feminist_boob_say_to_the_other/
%
What do you call a jail cell without five cents inside?

A nickleless cage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onn5e/what_do_you_call_a_jail_cell_without_five_cents/
%
What do you call the skeleton of a stingray?

An X-ray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onkii/what_do_you_call_the_skeleton_of_a_stingray/
%
I got fired from my job at the bank today...

An elderly lady around her 80s walked in and asked me to check her balance...
So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onjnr/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_bank_today/
%
I told my boss that I'm quitting my job to become a comedian.

He said, "You can't be serious."
I said, "I know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onhrq/i_told_my_boss_that_im_quitting_my_job_to_become/
%
Today I learned the fame of Albert Einstein pales in comparison to his brother whose work in cellular regeneration has been the subject of many books and several movies.

His name was Frank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onghc/today_i_learned_the_fame_of_albert_einstein_pales/
%
How do you acquire a small version of Thor's hammer?

Breed a horse with a donkey and you'll have a little mule near.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ong6i/how_do_you_acquire_a_small_version_of_thors_hammer/
%
If Jesus was alive today what would he be famous for???

His age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onfqe/if_jesus_was_alive_today_what_would_he_be_famous/
%
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?

Because the early beard gets the wyrm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oneuh/why_do_dwarves_hunt_dragons_in_the_morning/
%
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.

The odds were against me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onerk/i_got_into_a_fight_with_1_3_5_7_and_9/
%
An English E meets a French É

and says 'That's acute accent.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onei0/an_english_e_meets_a_french_é/
%
What happens when you pour root beer into a square glass?

Beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oncvs/what_happens_when_you_pour_root_beer_into_a/
%
My 9-year-old told me his teacher said I'm a bad parent.

"Right," I said. "Finish your pint and we'll go and have it out with the cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onaut/my_9yearold_told_me_his_teacher_said_im_a_bad/
%
October is Eczema Awareness Month

So I'm raising money by selling scratch cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9onan7/october_is_eczema_awareness_month/
%
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space

Terrible joke, I’ll give it 3 stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9on694/orions_belt_is_a_huge_waist_of_space/
%
Trivia whiz

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question I got wrong.
The question was where do women have the curliest hair?  Fiji was the correct answer.
Hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9on3hc/trivia_whiz/
%
A man and his penguins

A police officer is parked on the freeway shoulder watching for speeding cars. An ordinary station wagon drives by, but the officer notices several penguins crowded into the back seat while a man is driving. Officer pulls the man over and speaks with him.
Officer: Sir, why are there so many penguins in your back seat?
Driver: These penguins are my friends, officer.
Officer: Sir, you need to take these penguins to the zoo right now, where they belong.
Driver: Okay, sorry officer. I will do that right now.
Next day, same police officer is parked on the freeway shoulder watching for speeding cars. Same station wagon drives by. Same driver. Still with penguins in back seat. But, this time the penguins are all wearing sunglasses.
Officer: Sir, yesterday I told you to take these penguins to the zoo.
Driver: I did that, officer. But today we are going to the beach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9on393/a_man_and_his_penguins/
%
Football

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.  So, please, go away and leave me alone.”
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.  Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: “Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.”
A few days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, “What the f... are you doing?”
The husband replied, 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9on1hk/football/
%
What is the Name of a controversial camping book?

"my camp"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9on0yb/what_is_the_name_of_a_controversial_camping_book/
%
My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day...

...which is when he fucks his secretary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9on0ty/my_boss_is_really_into_health_eating_but_friday/
%
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9on0rj/a_sunday_school_teacher_is_concerned_that_his/
%
What do you call a pizzeria on a golf range?

Pizza Putt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9omzvz/what_do_you_call_a_pizzeria_on_a_golf_range/
%
Why do artists hate working in really cold environments?

Because all they get is exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9omzk4/why_do_artists_hate_working_in_really_cold/
%
What do you call someone that prepares hors d'oeuvres?

An app developer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9omz9l/what_do_you_call_someone_that_prepares_hors/
%
I outbid all the other guys for my online virtual girlfriend.

Now she's my eBae.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9omuwz/i_outbid_all_the_other_guys_for_my_online_virtual/
%
A priest is conducting an exorcism, yelling, "The power of Christ compels you!"

The demon sighs and says to him, "Sorry, I'm Jewish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9omu8u/a_priest_is_conducting_an_exorcism_yelling_the/
%
Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think

"There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9omrnw/whenever_i_see_a_man_with_a_beard_moustache_and/
%
When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her

a lot upset

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9omqrg/when_my_wife_gets_a_little_upset_sometimes_a/
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My diet guide is nowhere near as helpful as my vegan friend's diet guide.

I think I'll take a leaf out of his book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ompl9/my_diet_guide_is_nowhere_near_as_helpful_as_my/
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A baby whale asked his father how he was made

The father replied, “From my penis son.”
The son replies, “Oh...thanks.”
“You’re whalecum.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ompgm/a_baby_whale_asked_his_father_how_he_was_made/
%
A child asked his father,

"How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oml93/a_child_asked_his_father/
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What's so cool about the nitrous/ethanol powered rocket?

You can continue to get higher even when the engine is turned off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9omk7a/whats_so_cool_about_the_nitrousethanol_powered/
%
[OC] What's Fred Flintstone favourite dog breed?

The Labradabradooooor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9omk56/oc_whats_fred_flintstone_favourite_dog_breed/
%
Yo mama so fat

it took me three years to upload a picture of her to imgur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9omf2r/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?

Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9om84v/cashier_would_you_like_to_donate_2_to_end_world/
%
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves ...

Long ago,
when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.
As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate: 'Bring me my red shirt!'
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed: 'Bring me my red shirt!'
And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked: 'Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?'
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted: 'If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.'
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed: 'Bring me my brown pants!'
\----
This was not reposted for way over a year now. So i had to do it - for the good of all mankind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9om4m0/long_ago_when_sailing_ships_ruled_the_waves/
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I have OCD and ADHD

so everything has to be perfect! But not for very long!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9om3fc/i_have_ocd_and_adhd/
%
One my estonian friend told me [NSFW] [Long]

My Estonian friend told me this one:
Two parents are fighting, and calling each other names like hooker and faggot. Their child walks in and asks them what those words mean.
"OH.. it means.. uh.. Ladies and Gentlemen!" The dad blurts out.
Later that night, the parents stopped fighting. Infact they were doing it in the bedroom! They said things like ass, dick and tits. The kid asked through the door what those words mean, and the mom said
"Ummm," she looked around.
"It means coats and hats and coathangers!"
"Ok!" said the kid.
The next day, they were preparing a dinner for the whole family, the dad was shaving and cut himself.
"Shit!"
"What does that mean?"
"Oh, shaving cream!"
"OK"
Mom was cutting the chicken and cut herself.
"Fucking-"
"What does that mean?"
"Uhm.. Cutting."
"OK"
When the doorbell rang the kid wanted to use all the new words he learned!
"Welcome hookers and faggots! Please hang your tits and ass on the dick! Dad's putting shit on his face and Mom's fucking the chicken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9om30j/one_my_estonian_friend_told_me_nsfw_long/
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My blonde friend got her driver license, but was still disapointed...

She said she got a ''F'' for sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9olzc8/my_blonde_friend_got_her_driver_license_but_was/
%
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…

followed by Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9olyzu/sixteen_sodium_atoms_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Homeopathy weight loss tip:

Drink diluted water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oluz1/homeopathy_weight_loss_tip/
%
[OC] What have repost bots and Boy George got in common?

They're karma chameleons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9olutr/oc_what_have_repost_bots_and_boy_george_got_in/
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A frog goes into a bank to get a loan.

He goes up to the counter and sees that the teller's nametag reads Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a loan."
Patricia studies the frog for a moment, having never been approached for a loan by a frog. "What's your name?"
"Kermit," says the frog.
"Oh, you're not Kermit the frog!"
"No, no, no," the frog says. "I was named after him. The name's Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger, and my mother's a frog. Anyways I'd like to get a loan for a lilypad."
"Well, I don't know," Patricia says. "Do you have any collateral?"
"I have this." The frog pulls a small, pink porcelain elephant from his pocket.
Unsure, Patricia explains the situation to the bank manager. "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who wants to take out a loan, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the small elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager studies the elephant for a moment and says, "This is a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9olrgh/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank_to_get_a_loan/
%
My friend Ted recently came out as homosexual. Luckily, everyone in his neigbourhood has been very supportive.

It has become something of a Gay Ted community.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9olm9b/my_friend_ted_recently_came_out_as_homosexual/
%
I asked my Doctor why my willy went soft everytime I saw a snake?

He said I had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9olkzv/i_asked_my_doctor_why_my_willy_went_soft/
%
In class today, the kids were learning how to draw the letter P.

"Ok class, today I'm going to teach you how to draw the letter P."
*Teacher draws the letter P on the white board*
"Now you try."
*All the kids try to draw the letter P*
The teacher notices one kid in the back of the class shaking after drawing it.
"Very good class. Now try to draw a second P that is the exact same as the first one."
*The teacher walks up to the boy in the back of the class*
"Dillon, show me how you draw the letter P."
*Dillon draws the letter P perfectly but shakes after he finishes*
"Dillon, why did you shake after you drew the P?"
"My daddy always says to shake after you make P."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9olkcd/in_class_today_the_kids_were_learning_how_to_draw/
%
If Jesus had a car...

Would he drive a Christ-ler?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9olj0u/if_jesus_had_a_car/
%
What do you call two transgender midgets fucking?

Microtransaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9olfu5/what_do_you_call_two_transgender_midgets_fucking/
%
What's the fastest ride at the carnival?

You would think it would be the roller coaster.
But really the carousel has the most horse power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9olcd4/whats_the_fastest_ride_at_the_carnival/
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What do you call a British soldier who lives in a bathroom?

A Lu - Tennant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9olca7/what_do_you_call_a_british_soldier_who_lives_in_a/
%
I was an asshole with the bartender before asking an iced coca cola from him; but he gave me a glass of ice without my beverage.

Just ice served.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9olb7o/i_was_an_asshole_with_the_bartender_before_asking/
%
There was a vendor in the area that sold delicious fruit smoothies.

One day the man disappeared.
So did the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9olaja/there_was_a_vendor_in_the_area_that_sold/
%
I want to hear 99 people sing "Africa" by Toto...

...It's something that a hundred men or more could never do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ol907/i_want_to_hear_99_people_sing_africa_by_toto/
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F*cking Audi four wheel drive!

It was a snowy wednesday evening. Snow had fallen for a couple of days, and the roads were treacherous.
A man walks into a bar, and while passing through the door he loudly clears his throat and spits in the corner, followed by a mumbled "Fucking Audi four wheel drive!".
He sits down, orders a beer, and after getting it, he gulps it down in one, keeping the last bit in the mouth. He gargles with the beer, and spits it on the floor in front of the bar. "Fuck those Audi four wheel drives" he curses.
The bartender of course is not amused. "Hey fella, would ya stop that disgusting spitting?!" he shouts. And what's that shit about Audi four wheel drives? I'm driving one myself!
"Well, fuck those. You know, I'm a lorry driver. Was driving my semi up from Ted's mill, and over at Springville, you know, that nasty corner down the hill - fucking Audi four wheel drives - I lost traction, and slipped from the road. There I was, stuck in this freaking snow storm, and you know how little traffic there is in this area. Nobody coming around for an hour, no cellphone network, nothing. Was freezing my ass off I was. - Fucking Audi four wheel drives - *spitting*
And then I see some lights. A fella in an Audi comes down the road. He stops right by my truck, and gets out.
"Having some problems, do ya? Well you know, my Audi and me were enjoying the weather, you know, no traffic these days, and my Audi has all wheel drive, so that weather ain't no problem for us, no no. So me and my little Betsy here where going to see my Missus down at Riverfall, for a blowie. I know what you might think - Why would you go out in that weather and drive more than 200 miles for a blowie, but as I said, my Betsy got all wheel drive, so we don't fear no snow - Well, but I see you're in trouble here, so me and my Betsy, we can stop for a couple of minutes to pull ya back on the road, the blowie will be even better, it will feel like a reward, don't ya think? So I'll just get my tow from the trunk and we'll have you back on the road in no time."
Looking at my truck and his Audi, I started laughing: "Haha, good joke. If you pull off that one, you might save yourself a 200 miles trip, I'll give you a blowjob myself"
"Fucking audi four wheel drives" *spitting*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ol7p2/fcking_audi_four_wheel_drive/
%
What do you call masturbating while smoking weed?

Highjacking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ol28p/what_do_you_call_masturbating_while_smoking_weed/
%
The other day a coworker caught me checking her out,

but harassment nothing to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ol1vm/the_other_day_a_coworker_caught_me_checking_her/
%
I've finished my time machine, but there is one glitch.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ol1c1/ive_finished_my_time_machine_but_there_is_one/
%
Two friends go to an employment agency looking for jobs.

The agent asks the first one what he does.  "Pilot" the man says.
"Excellent" the agent replies. "We have a bunch of openings for pilots."  She gives him a form and sends him on his way.
She then asks the second man what he does.  He tells her he's a woodcutter.
"Oh, I'm sorry" she says "we don't have any opening for woodcutters right now."
The man replies "So... how is my buddy supposed to pile it if I don't cut it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9okzo6/two_friends_go_to_an_employment_agency_looking/
%
I tried to eat a clock the other day.

It was very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9okup4/i_tried_to_eat_a_clock_the_other_day/
%
I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9okujy/id_rather_die_than_having_alzeheimers_disease/
%
I don't know who keeps stealing my scissors

But they need to cut it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oku7x/i_dont_know_who_keeps_stealing_my_scissors/
%
Taken from my Laffy Taffy wrapper: What do you call a nun sleep walking?

What do you call a nun sleep walking?
A roamin' catholic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oktx8/taken_from_my_laffy_taffy_wrapper_what_do_you/
%
Jennie asked Forest, "if the last three generations were named X, Y, and Z, what was the first generation named?" His response:

Gen A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9okt5e/jennie_asked_forest_if_the_last_three_generations/
%
What is the difference between a rich man on a bicycle and a poor man on a unicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oksyi/what_is_the_difference_between_a_rich_man_on_a/
%
How do you know a call is a butt dial?

Listen for the toot. (From my 8 year old son.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oko9n/how_do_you_know_a_call_is_a_butt_dial/
%
I saw a guy masturbating on the bus. I couldn’t believe it.

Where does he get off?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oknop/i_saw_a_guy_masturbating_on_the_bus_i_couldnt/
%
My old maths teacher was arrested today.

In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and a ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9okn0s/my_old_maths_teacher_was_arrested_today/
%
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

*dung*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9okmvb/whats_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
%
Did you hear about my Russian chauffeur?

His name is Pikop Andropov.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9okluh/did_you_hear_about_my_russian_chauffeur/
%
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruits and vegetables​ are grocer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oklq4/a_vegan_said_to_me_people_who_sell_meat_are/
%
A British couple are on a cruise ship. It sinks, and they're the only survivors left, managing to get on a boat

They can spot land not far off. They try as hard as they can to use the oars, but they won't budge.
The wife has an idea, she calls her husband useless and incompetent. The husband retorts and a huge argument begins.
The boat inches slowly towards land. The more they argue and the more angry they become, the faster the boat heads to shore.
They land, and the wife goes, "well that went as planned." The husband asks, "how did you know that would work?"
"Simple, we were in a rowboat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9okl0l/a_british_couple_are_on_a_cruise_ship_it_sinks/
%
I'd tell you a joke about hyperboles

But I'm sure you have already heard it a million times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9okdtr/id_tell_you_a_joke_about_hyperboles/
%
What's so annoying about the midget criminal walking down the steps?

He's a little con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9okdsm/whats_so_annoying_about_the_midget_criminal/
%
How do you repair a broken jack o’lantern?

With a pumpkin patch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ok10b/how_do_you_repair_a_broken_jack_olantern/
%
Mohammad bin Salman is 33 making him, technically, a Millennial...

...so now Baby Boomers can add "Journalists" to their list of "things Millennials are killing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojuyl/mohammad_bin_salman_is_33_making_him_technically/
%
Some guy got stabbed in a motel near me last week.

I guess you could call it a bled and breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojsdf/some_guy_got_stabbed_in_a_motel_near_me_last_week/
%
Yo mama’s so fat...

when the bank asks you a security question they don’t ask for her maiden name, they ask for the date of her maiden voyage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojr5j/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
Jobs from the 90s that aren’t around anymore:

Steve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojnso/jobs_from_the_90s_that_arent_around_anymore/
%
People say I’m condescending

That means I talk down to people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojnkg/people_say_im_condescending/
%
Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen died today

Unfortunately ctrl-alt-delete will not bring him back to life.
RIP Paul Allen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojlyi/microsoft_cofounder_paul_allen_died_today/
%
If a guy's dream girl is called a white whale

A dream guy should be called a Moby Dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojl7q/if_a_guys_dream_girl_is_called_a_white_whale/
%
You know what they used for light in Communist Russia before candles?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojkxb/you_know_what_they_used_for_light_in_communist/
%
Throwing acid is wrong

... in some people's eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojkwc/throwing_acid_is_wrong/
%
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

Food was great but there was no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojkkg/have_you_heard_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
My Dad asked me, "you know what that Putin guys problem is?"

"He's always Russian around"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojkd4/my_dad_asked_me_you_know_what_that_putin_guys/
%
[NSFW] Do you ever get the urge to eat something when you see it?

So I got fired from being a gynecologist today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojj9r/nsfw_do_you_ever_get_the_urge_to_eat_something/
%
A serial killer and his date are out for a walk in the woods

"Gee it sure is scary out here" she says
"How do you think I feel? I gotta walk out of here alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojiq4/a_serial_killer_and_his_date_are_out_for_a_walk/
%
Why was Viagra such a success?

It penetrated the market

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojhvo/why_was_viagra_such_a_success/
%
Why was the tree a hipster?

Because it changed colors before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojde0/why_was_the_tree_a_hipster/
%
A husband wants to hire somebody to kill his wife...

After weeks of research, he finally hears tell of a hit man known simply as Arthur, who happens to be in town.
He sets up a meeting with Arthur to schedule the hit.
He and Arthur meet, and the husband gives Arthur his wife's picture, and tells him, "She goes to the grocery store once a week, in the morning, starting in the produce section. What do you charge for the hit?"
Arthur tells him, "50 grand is my normal fee."
"That's expensive!" The husband says, "Can I give you one dollar now and the rest after the deed is done?"
Arthur replies, "Normally I wouldn't, but you seem desperate, so I'll make an exception."
One week later, Arthur finds the wife in the produce section of Wal-Mart, shopping for groceries just as the husband said, and strangles her to death right there.
An employee witnesses the act and Arthur catches him and strangles him to death as well, but not before the employee calls the police.
Arthur couldn't escape fast enough, and gets arrested, news media surrounding him.
The news headline the next morning reads:
"ARTY CHOKES TWO FOR ONE DOLLAR AT WAL-MART"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ojd21/a_husband_wants_to_hire_somebody_to_kill_his_wife/
%
I am the difference between...

Most women and moist women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oj9ps/i_am_the_difference_between/
%
What are the Illuminati looking for when they read Reddit?

Me first! "Your Grandmother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oj8tn/what_are_the_illuminati_looking_for_when_they/
%
Some bloke just said he's going to smash my head in with the neck of a guitar

I said "is that a fret?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oizeh/some_bloke_just_said_hes_going_to_smash_my_head/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket.

He does this over and over again.
Finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks
into his pocket.
The man responded " I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts
to look good then i'll go home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oiy35/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_shot_then/
%
I don’t often tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he usually laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oiwl8/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
%
How did the Jewish baker defeat the robber?

He used his Jew dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oit8h/how_did_the_jewish_baker_defeat_the_robber/
%
What do you get when you cross a girrafe with a goat?

Arrested for unethical experimentation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oiq6z/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_girrafe_with_a/
%
If Spidey is out chasing bad guys and he runs out of webbing but is still jumping over cars and climbing buildings, what name does he go by?

Peter Parkour
(Apologies if this is a re-post, but I did come up by myself. My kids hated it too.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oiplm/if_spidey_is_out_chasing_bad_guys_and_he_runs_out/
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Two cannibals are eating a guy

They can’t quite figure out how to divide the body so they decide in order to be fair one should start at the head and the other at the feet.
Without looking up the cannibal working on the head asks how the other cannible is doing,
He replies, “I’m having a ball!”
First cannible shouts “SLOW DOWN!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oilh6/two_cannibals_are_eating_a_guy/
%
The name is Bond, Ionic Bond.

Taken, not shared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oiiq6/the_name_is_bond_ionic_bond/
%
Where's the red light district in Edmonton?

Behind the Oilers' goal net.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oihlu/wheres_the_red_light_district_in_edmonton/
%
This is a joke my grandpa told me

An old man thinks his wife is having hearing problems so he went to a doctor to see if there was any way he could know for sure before breaking the news to her.
“Well all you have to do is ask ‘what’s for dinner honey?’ and if she responds, her hearing is just fine” said the doctor
So the old man went home and stood about 20 feet away from his wife.
“What’s for dinner darling?” He called.
No response.
He moved a little closer and repeated, “ What’s for dinner?”
No response. He moved to about 10 feet away from her and asked again, once again no response.
He moved closer. 5 feet away, he asked “What’s for dinner?”
And finally she said “For the fourth time, chicken alfredo!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oidah/this_is_a_joke_my_grandpa_told_me/
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Why can't Chinese couples have Caucasian babies?

Because two Wongs don't make a white!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oicnp/why_cant_chinese_couples_have_caucasian_babies/
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A roman military is talking to his friend

First Roman: "Guess how many women I've slept with."
Second Roman: "Mmm?"
First roman: "Don't be ridiculous, not that many."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oiaby/a_roman_military_is_talking_to_his_friend/
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Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oi5ot/just_spent_300_on_a_limousine_and_discovered_that/
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I have an alcohol problem

My glass is empty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oi3o1/i_have_an_alcohol_problem/
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Professor: So what inspired you to write this essay?

Me: ...the due date?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oi3lr/professor_so_what_inspired_you_to_write_this_essay/
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Gave a guy a high five

He only had 3 fingers so I told him to keep the change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oi2h1/gave_a_guy_a_high_five/
%
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.

I was the control group.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oi2d5/my_friends_and_i_experimented_with_sex_and_drugs/
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What do you call owl thugs?

Hoo-ligans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oi1u3/what_do_you_call_owl_thugs/
%
What do you call two gay Irishmen?

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitsmichael

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ohswp/what_do_you_call_two_gay_irishmen/
%
I hate people who take drugs

For example, border security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ohrfx/i_hate_people_who_take_drugs/
%
My wife accused me of being immature.

**I told her to get out of my fort.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ohc4f/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
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I went to a Halloween party dressed as an egg and hooked up with a guy dressed as a chicken.

The classic debate was finally resolved that night. It was the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ohc04/i_went_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_as_an_egg_and/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ohbz4/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Wanna know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ohaw6/wanna_know_what_a_69_is/
%
Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 4yo son crying?

He was having a midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oh0ca/why_was_the_antivaxxers_4yo_son_crying/
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

**So I pushed her over.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ogzlh/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
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What do farts and reposts have in common?

Everybody makes them but nobody likes them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ogu5e/what_do_farts_and_reposts_have_in_common/
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Six dwarves in a bath were feeling happy. So happy got out.

Once happy got out then they all felt grumpy.
By the time grumpy escaped they were feeling sleepy. Sleepy didn't seem to notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ogtf3/six_dwarves_in_a_bath_were_feeling_happy_so_happy/
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Just bought a new sex robot with artificial intelligence. But no matter what I did, I just couldn’t get her in the mood.

I just didn’t turn her on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ogqyy/just_bought_a_new_sex_robot_with_artificial/
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Time flies like an arrow,

Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ogqy2/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
Story of an old tired dog

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ogmdt/story_of_an_old_tired_dog/
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Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk...

And the result was staggering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ogl40/scientists_got_together_to_study_the_effects_of/
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Why did the carrot start hanging out with the mushroom?

He looked like a fun guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ogkov/why_did_the_carrot_start_hanging_out_with_the/
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Two introverts walk into a club

Haha no they don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ogiwt/two_introverts_walk_into_a_club/
%
The Five Unwritten Rules to Life

* 1.
* 2.
* 3.
* 4.
* 5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ogiiq/the_five_unwritten_rules_to_life/
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What do you get when you mix my mom and Bob Ross?

A happy little accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ogefk/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_my_mom_and_bob_ross/
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A woman calls her husband, who is on his way home from work.

"Honey, be careful," she says "I just saw on the news that there is a car driving the wrong way on the interstate."
"It's even worse than that," the husband replies. "There are hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oge8q/a_woman_calls_her_husband_who_is_on_his_way_home/
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0 and 1 are great friends

They're indivisible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ogbhz/0_and_1_are_great_friends/
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I found a condom in my son's room

I asked him what he had to say for himself.
"Thanks, grandpa!"
"Grandpa?"
"Yeah, I couldn't find it yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9og58a/i_found_a_condom_in_my_sons_room/
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door?
Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano?
Anakin Skywalker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9og4oe/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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Orange Dick

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange. The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.
The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I don't come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."
The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"
The man says "Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9og4bf/orange_dick/
%
Why don't keyboards sleep?

Because they have 2 shifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9og3xo/why_dont_keyboards_sleep/
%
"I would love to be a millionaire one day," said my son.

So I asked him: "Why not longer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9og3a8/i_would_love_to_be_a_millionaire_one_day_said_my/
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What's the best thing about a gypsy on her period?

when you finger her you get your palm red for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9og09k/whats_the_best_thing_about_a_gypsy_on_her_period/
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Why are asexuals so uncaring?

They have zero fucks to give.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ofz2n/why_are_asexuals_so_uncaring/
%
Roman prison

On my first day in a Roman prison they took away my name and gave me a number - I was **LIVID**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ofy7t/roman_prison/
%
Why do computer programmers celebrate Christmas on Halloween?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ofwaj/why_do_computer_programmers_celebrate_christmas/
%
How do you kill a circus?

Aim for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ofrtl/how_do_you_kill_a_circus/
%
If Dwight Schrute gave someone the sex talk

It would be the birds and the beets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ofroe/if_dwight_schrute_gave_someone_the_sex_talk/
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Me: I've lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can't look up anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ofr12/me_ive_lost_the_dictionary/
%
An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.

The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right,
and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the
floor.
Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a
little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.
The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would
have a place to sit on this stupid bus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ofqrd/an_old_man_on_crowded_bus_has_trouble_finding_a/
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Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?

So they can beat the crowds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ofqp5/why_do_riot_cops_like_to_leave_early_when_they_go/
%
I couldn't find my elf lego

It was LegoLoss....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ofnym/i_couldnt_find_my_elf_lego/
%
I'm going to be in a theatrical show about puns...

It's a play on words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9of8lb/im_going_to_be_in_a_theatrical_show_about_puns/
%
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix...

Never drink and derive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9of3qe/alcohol_and_calculus_dont_mix/
%
I rear ended the car in front of me.

When I got out to speak to the driver, I discovered it was a midget. He was looking rather annoyed and had his arms folded, sitting on the bonnet of his car.
"I'm not happy"
"Oh, so which one are you then?" I couldn't help but ask.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oeyfu/i_rear_ended_the_car_in_front_of_me/
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A man shows up...

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oex2x/a_man_shows_up/
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Sam's fishing secret.

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam’s boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam’s approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. “You can’t do this! I’ll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!”
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, “Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oevt0/sams_fishing_secret/
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Two hunters are in a forest...

Suddenly, one of them collapses. His eyes are glazed and  he isn't moving. The other hunter picks up his phone instantly and calls the ambulance. The operator says "What is your emergency?". The hunter says "I think my friend is dead!"
The operator then tells the hunter "First, let's make sure he's dead." A gunshot rings out, and then the hunter gets back on the phone. "Okay, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oevt7/two_hunters_are_in_a_forest/
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Im dyslexic, I often get my my b's and d's mixed up...

My uncle has a similar problem, he gets his 1's and 2's mixed up. He can't distinguish between "12" and "21". The difference between us is that He's in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oev3n/im_dyslexic_i_often_get_my_my_bs_and_ds_mixed_up/
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Why did Van Gogh divorce his wife?

Earreconcilable differences

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oessa/why_did_van_gogh_divorce_his_wife/
%
Can you believe i can teach you how to tie rope while taking a crap?

I shit, you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oeqam/can_you_believe_i_can_teach_you_how_to_tie_rope/
%
How does the government remember the difference between Astronomy and Astrology?

Simple.
Just like with "Eco-", you don't consider it a science if it ends with "-logy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oepst/how_does_the_government_remember_the_difference/
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A boy was born without a body

, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oem4v/a_boy_was_born_without_a_body/
%
There was a gentleman waiting to use the restroom...

...in a classy establishment, but the occupant was taking his time.
A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir", she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He was certainly about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons, were identified by the letters WW, WA, and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR. Who would really know if he touched them?
He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button.
A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit.
When it did, he pushed the button he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"
"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last one is the Automatic Tampon Remover. Your surgery went well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oekel/there_was_a_gentleman_waiting_to_use_the_restroom/
%
A dwarf, an elf, and a man are wading a river.

The elf says, “Wow, the water reaches up to my waist!”
The man says, “Well it reaches my chest.”
The dwarf says nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oegcv/a_dwarf_an_elf_and_a_man_are_wading_a_river/
%
The best thing about college

is it forces you to have confidence. Like in high school I never had the confidence to walk in front of a moving car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oee50/the_best_thing_about_college/
%
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oeawg/two_unemployed_guys_are_talking_one_says_im_going/
%
A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.
All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.
The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”
“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oeafc/a_group_of_engineering_professors_were_invited_to/
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A man leaves for work in the morning, kissing his wife goodbye.

She leaves for work about 15 minutes later, and turns on her radio to check the traffic.  The traffic reporter announces that there is a wrong way driver on the interstate, and she recognizes that route as the one her husband takes to work.
Frantically, she calls her husband to warn him of the danger.  He answers, and she immediately yells to him "Honey, there's a wrong way driver on your route to work!  Be careful!"
He yells back, just as frantic, "It's not just one driver!  It's \*hundreds\* of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oe0a4/a_man_leaves_for_work_in_the_morning_kissing_his/
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As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns

I knew the end was in sight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9odxpy/as_soon_as_the_hospital_made_me_put_on_one_of/
%
Haircuts are great

Because I did none of the work but get all the credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9odx2s/haircuts_are_great/
%
I Saw 2 guys wearing matching clothing, so I asked them if they were gay.

They quickly arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9odtva/i_saw_2_guys_wearing_matching_clothing_so_i_asked/
%
4 Nuns died in a car accident...

They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates.
St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis?
The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger!
St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass.
He then asks the second: Have you ever touched a penis?
The second one also adit: Yes, I masturbated a man once.
St Peter seemed slightly disgusted, but then tells her to put her entire hand in the holy water before he allows her to pass.
Sudenlly, the 4th nun goes crazy and yell: Please! Ask me that question before the nun in front of me!!!!!
St Peter, confused, asks why.
The 4th Nun replies: I really want to wash my mouth before she puts her ass in the holy water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9odtof/4_nuns_died_in_a_car_accident/
%
Why do cows have hoofs instead of feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9odt7f/why_do_cows_have_hoofs_instead_of_feet/
%
I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said “Bathroom Closed”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9odqbw/i_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_shit_myself/
%
Attempted to exercise this morning...

Didn't work out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9odpup/attempted_to_exercise_this_morning/
%
What do fish smoke?

Sea weed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9odnxc/what_do_fish_smoke/
%
The telephone rings in the Vatican in the middle of the night...

Acting Archbishop Lenny picks up.  "Vatican, Lenny speaking, how can I help you?"
Lenny listens for a moment, then goes white as a sheet.  "Yes sir.  I'll get him, sir.  Please hold."
Up in the Papal residence all is quiet.  Lenny knocks gently on the door to the Pope's bedroom.  The Pope wakes, rubs the sleep from his eyes, puts on his slippers and his evening mitre.  "Yes?"
Lenny comes in.  "Your Holiness, there's a telephone call from you that can't wait.  Sir, I have good news and bad news.  Which would you like first?"
"Give me the good news first, Lenny."
"Sir, it's Jesus on the phone.  It's the Resurrection, and he wants to talk to you."
"My goodness!"  Says the Pope.  He sits up straighter on his bed and takes in the magnitude of the situation.  Jesus, on the phone!
"Lenny," says the Pope after a few minutes, "what was the bad news?"
"Your holiness... He's calling from Salt Lake City."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9odngg/the_telephone_rings_in_the_vatican_in_the_middle/
%
How did the hipster burn his hand?

He changed the lightbulb before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9odkq4/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_hand/
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How To Get By In Life

Approach every problem like a dog. If you can't eat it or have sex with it, then piss on it and walk away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ode7b/how_to_get_by_in_life/
%
What rhymes with orange

No it doesn’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9odbo0/what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9od8ra/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
%
A cocky guy walks into a sperm bank.

The manager tells the worker, “Can you get a load of this guy, ugh”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9od8gm/a_cocky_guy_walks_into_a_sperm_bank/
%
If I smash a bottle of coke on your head...

It probably won't hurt since it's soft drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9od4dy/if_i_smash_a_bottle_of_coke_on_your_head/
%
Did you hear about the guy that shot up a church?

Now he’s a mass murderer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ocxaz/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_shot_up_a_church/
%
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando were captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”
The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”
The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”
The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”
“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.
“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.
So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”
“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ocwza/a_cnn_reporter_a_bbc_reporter_and_an_israeli/
%
A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" and the guy said "I thought you were out of town!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ocuw2/a_guy_was_watching_football_while_his_wife_was/
%
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess.

The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ocsc6/an_airline_captain_was_breaking_in_a_new_blonde/
%
When guests leave your event, it’s polite to say, “Thanks for coming”

But when I say it after sex, she just says “I didn’t”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ocrjs/when_guests_leave_your_event_its_polite_to_say/
%
All I got for my birthday was a lousy deck of sticky playing cards.

I find it very difficult to deal with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ocrhn/all_i_got_for_my_birthday_was_a_lousy_deck_of/
%
Little bit of a read but funny

(Im from Louisiana and we usually use Boudreaux and Thibadeaux as our characters with our cajun accent but for joke purposes ill use tim and matt)
Tim and Matt went to see a wrestling match at a local arena. There was a famous wrestler in town called the Human Pretzel (due to his special move folding someone in the shape of a pretzel). Anyways, the Human Pretzel won all of his matches that night and called out anyone in the crowd that thought they could take him and offered a million dollars to anyone who could make it out the first round. Tim told Matt since he was a great wrestler he should give it a try. Matt agreed and entered the ring. After 10 rounds Matt gets back in his corner and is very tired as Tim is trying to pump him up.
Tim: "Man, you could beat this guy. Hes getting tired and you could be the champion!"
Matt: "I know but im exhausted, im probably not gonna make another round"
11th round starts and sure enough the Human Pretzel finally pins Matt. The referee comes flying in and starts to count "One! Two! Thr" and just before hes about to lose, Matt screams at the top of his lungs and amazingly ends up on top the Human Pretzel, pinning him, and winning the match!. After the match a reporter rushes to Matt and says:
Reporter: "Matt, no one had ever beaten the Human Pretzel before! How on earth did you do it?!"
Matt smirking: "Well, i thought i was gonna lose for sure. when he got me in that pretzel lock, I just happened to open my eyes and see a big pair of nuts in my face. So without a second thought, i bit them as hard as i could..... You never know how strong a man really is until he bites his own nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ocqfn/little_bit_of_a_read_but_funny/
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After trying many medications, my uncle learned he is only happy when his wife is miserable

He now only takes auntie depressants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oclkq/after_trying_many_medications_my_uncle_learned_he/
%
One Roman guy says to the other...

"You won't believe how many women I slept with!"
2nd **Roman** guy: "MMM?"
"Don't be ridiculous, not *that* many!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ociuo/one_roman_guy_says_to_the_other/
%
A guy is lying in his hospital bed

He is wired up with drips and monitors,  breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the  ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if  there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are  my testicles black?"
"I’m sorry but I’m not medical staff, I can’t help you with that" she replies.
"Oh, please have a look for me, I’m really worried; Are my testicles black?"
Taking  pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and,  seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I’ll have a  look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his cock out of the  way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief  in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".
The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9occyc/a_guy_is_lying_in_his_hospital_bed/
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[Anecdote] Sometimes friends bring light to even the darkest situations

This happened back when I was in university back in 2012. During those days in my hometown there was an insurgent outfit that was on the verge of extinction but would occasionally surface to issue (empty) threats of violence through the media, particularly before National Holidays since they were a pro-separatist group.
One morning before class started, I was reading out loud one such warning in the morning paper to my friend; where that group said they would detonate a bomb in the town market that Saturday. Once she heard that, my friend, whose nose had been buried in some kind of catalogue until that point, looked up in sheer alarm and yelled out: "At what time??? :O "
I guess she was hoping that the terrorists had been polite enough to provide a specific time with the warning so that she could then simply do her shopping at another time and avoid the inconvenience and potential early demise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9occmj/anecdote_sometimes_friends_bring_light_to_even/
%
Two old Jewish men

, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in  Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our  faith born and raised in Mexico?’
Al replies, "I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter. ’
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?’
The waiter says, "I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.
"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews. ’
Al isn’t satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?’
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor!’and goes back into the kitchen.
While  the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are  no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere. ’
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews. ’
"Are you certain?" Al asks again.
"I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!’
"SENOR, I ask EVERYONE, " replies the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9occ93/two_old_jewish_men/
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I told a school shooting joke at a PTA meeting, but it fell flat.

I think I'll aim for a different crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ocbqu/i_told_a_school_shooting_joke_at_a_pta_meeting/
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A man's wife is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You’ve got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks, " and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "The egg timer’s broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ocbaq/a_mans_wife_is_in_the_kitchen_preparing_to_boil/
%
My guests were complaining about the small amount of tea I served them...

I just told them "quali-tea over quanti-tea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oca8f/my_guests_were_complaining_about_the_small_amount/
%
Pornhub Premium sucks

Ever since I got it there are no 40 years old milfs in my area looking to fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oc9cc/pornhub_premium_sucks/
%
I went for a guide through a factory once, but was not amused...

It was a dissatisfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oc58t/i_went_for_a_guide_through_a_factory_once_but_was/
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Apple pie in Jamaica $2.55

Cherry pie in Antigua $4.57
Key Lime Pie in Dominican Republic $3.87
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oc4jv/apple_pie_in_jamaica_255/
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It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers...

You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oc3zq/it_annoys_me_when_engineering_students_call/
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A good percentage of my friends are Nazis.

That percentage is zero.
That's a good percentage of Nazi friends to have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oc3rb/a_good_percentage_of_my_friends_are_nazis/
%
What's the wettest animal in the sea?

The octopussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oc1v3/whats_the_wettest_animal_in_the_sea/
%
“Dad, I can’t stop running in a circle...”

“Shut up son or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obxak/dad_i_cant_stop_running_in_a_circle/
%
Where did the children go after the explosion?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obwl2/where_did_the_children_go_after_the_explosion/
%
Cashiers are always checking me out

That's the closest I'll ever get to a woman being interested in me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obw89/cashiers_are_always_checking_me_out/
%
My neighbour obviously doesn't watch adult movies...

She asked me to fix the sink and I'm still here an hour later fixing the sink. >.<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obvqf/my_neighbour_obviously_doesnt_watch_adult_movies/
%
What is the motto for the fish stick factory?

In cod we crust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obvfc/what_is_the_motto_for_the_fish_stick_factory/
%
I bought a mint condition vintage HiFi system

My wife said it's a waste of money, but I think it's a sound investment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obtmn/i_bought_a_mint_condition_vintage_hifi_system/
%
A cop pulled someone over

Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I'm English.
Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obsku/a_cop_pulled_someone_over/
%
A nuclear worker wanted to start a family..

So when he got home he said to his wife, “Honey let’s make some little nuclear workers!” His wife responds, “Sorry honey we can’t. I’m on my period.” Frustrated the husband replies back, “Well turn over, we’ll start with the supervisors!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obrhp/a_nuclear_worker_wanted_to_start_a_family/
%
Two dwarfs Grumpy and Happy went to Vatican and meet the pope.

Grumpy, seems a little worried and he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure?  I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height?  Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not.  Why do you ask?"
"No reason."  Pause.  "Positive?  Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall or two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say?  What'd he say?"  asks Happy.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
And the Happy starts shouting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin!  Grumpy fucked a penguin!  Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obqyi/two_dwarfs_grumpy_and_happy_went_to_vatican_and/
%
My Aunt always said "slow and steady wins the race"

She died in a fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obqta/my_aunt_always_said_slow_and_steady_wins_the_race/
%
Only self aware people will understand this joke.

You know who you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obotk/only_self_aware_people_will_understand_this_joke/
%
In my opinion, if we're going to fight a war on terror

A good place to start would be this nation's haunted houses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obmev/in_my_opinion_if_were_going_to_fight_a_war_on/
%
Having sex is like playing bridge

If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obltq/having_sex_is_like_playing_bridge/
%
Officers bring Bad News

Officer knocks on door
A Man opens the door.
Officer: "Sorry sir, it's your wife. Looks like she's been hit by a truck"
Man: "She has a great personality though"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oblmj/officers_bring_bad_news/
%
Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven.

At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter who stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?
1^st nun : "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2^nd nun : "An apple"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9objsh/three_nuns_who_had_recently_died_were_on_their/
%
You know the internal temperature of a Taun-taun?

Lukewarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obidy/you_know_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
%
The inflatable Boy

An inflatable boy got into trouble for bringing a pin to his inflatable school and was sent to see the inflatable headmaster.
The headmaster was extremely disappointed and said to the boy "not only have you let yourself down, you've let me down and you've let the whole school down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obi2c/the_inflatable_boy/
%
Ran into an old friend and they asked me "how's it going"?

I sighed a bit and answered "Well, things could be better actually. Yeah, I had to find a way out of that business I'd started."
They said, "Oh, really?"
"I'd done some research and found out that female cow manure had less nutrients in it than male manure. Something to do with the  nutrients finding their way into the cow's milk instead. So I'd invested  in some analysis and had a dairy all lined up to keep its manure  separated so they could get a premium for the manure from the males."
"Wow, I didn't know. What happened?"
"Well, I just couldn't find enough customers after the first round of sales. Was really disappointing."
"That's too bad."
"Yeah, everyone told me they didn't want any more of my bullshit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obg6q/ran_into_an_old_friend_and_they_asked_me_hows_it/
%
One Day a Woman had 100 children.

She sadly did not have the creativity to name all of them unique names so she named each one a number from 1-100. One of them was named “one”, the next was “two” and so on all the way to one hundred. But, in a tragic accident, 99 of the children died. The only one who survived was the one named “Ninety”. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole life and she even had a few children of her own. One day, while Ninety’s children were playing outside, they stumbled upon a stray dog and the decided to keep it. Ninety did not want the children to have a dog so they hid it and named it “This” so that they could talk about it around their mom without her knowing. They would say “Lets go take This outside.” and things like that behind their mom’s back. One day, while Ninety’s children were not paying attention, This walks out into the middle of the street and gets hit by a car. This eventually dies and Ninety’s kids don’t tell their mother even then. No one else ever hears about This ever again.
Only Ninety’s Kids remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9obeiy/one_day_a_woman_had_100_children/
%
The four most beautiful words in our common language:

I told you so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ob92r/the_four_most_beautiful_words_in_our_common/
%
Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ob8ya/aldi_recently_copied_lidls_idea_to_reduce_their/
%
An ancient Greek professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended.

The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ob8ug/an_ancient_greek_professor_goes_to_a_tailor_to/
%
Did you hear about the Leper who attempted to beat the world masturbation record?

He pulled it off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ob62k/did_you_hear_about_the_leper_who_attempted_to/
%
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery

, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ob3ug/a_lawyer_was_just_waking_up_from_anesthesia_after/
%
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It was stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ob0pd/why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
%
Helen Keller walks into a bar

Then a chair, and then a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oaz51/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How many reddit joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know.  They haven't admitted that it's worn out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oayu8/how_many_reddit_joke_tellers_does_it_take_to/
%
I put laxatives in my bosses coffee

He's going to shit himself when he finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oayk1/i_put_laxatives_in_my_bosses_coffee/
%
Don’t Kiss!

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oao2v/dont_kiss/
%
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oak1u/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
%
What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blond?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oagtt/whats_the_difference_between_a_mosquito_and_a/
%
I was reading a book about helium

It was so good that I couldn't put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oagms/i_was_reading_a_book_about_helium/
%
Prison may just be one word to you.

But for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oagdn/prison_may_just_be_one_word_to_you/
%
Did you hear about the "biggest feline butt" award?

It was a huge cat ass trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oaffk/did_you_hear_about_the_biggest_feline_butt_award/
%
Stan Lee wrote Tony Stark as a character with a sexual identity crisis.

He's all man, but likes to dress as  FEmale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oaesw/stan_lee_wrote_tony_stark_as_a_character_with_a/
%
An angry husband stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
His wife replied, “The funeral director would be my guess.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oae5r/an_angry_husband_stormed_into_the_kitchen_and/
%
How did the gingerbread man treat his injured leg?

By icing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oadtr/how_did_the_gingerbread_man_treat_his_injured_leg/
%
A husband says to his wife, “If you learned how to cook, we could dismiss the maid, don’t you think?”

She replies, “Sure! And if you learned how to make love, we could dismiss the driver, don’t you think?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oa3nw/a_husband_says_to_his_wife_if_you_learned_how_to/
%
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?

It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9oa1g9/why_are_students_prohibited_from_playing_fortnite/
%
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9wpx/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
The kid from the Exorcist got a ticket.

For possession.
Happy Halloween.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9vjk/the_kid_from_the_exorcist_got_a_ticket/
%
Get a load of this guy

Is apparently not accepted pickup line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9udy/get_a_load_of_this_guy/
%
My board gamer friend said “I love Settlers”

Well duh, who else would marry him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9si4/my_board_gamer_friend_said_i_love_settlers/
%
How do you push the high costs of living out of your way?

You just got to budge it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9qk3/how_do_you_push_the_high_costs_of_living_out_of/
%
Knock, knock.

Who's there?
Smell mop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9olw/knock_knock/
%
An older man wanted to surprise his wife while she was away.

As the couple were talking about putting in a fence, they never seemed to commit and get it done. When his wife was away for a weekend getaway with a few of her friends, the husband decided to get the fence contracted out.
The contractor set the posts, and built a nice wooden panel fence in a few short hours. Happy with the work, the old man paid the contractor, and gave him a handsome tip for completing the job in the time crunch.
The next day, as the contractor was on his way to another job site, he noticed the fence at the old mans house was completely taken apart and laying in pieces on his front yard, posts ripped out of the ground and all. As he remembered the old man thanking him and leaving him with a generous tip, it didn’t seem to make much sense.
At the end of the day, the contractor decided to make a stop at the old mans house to check up to see if everything was okay with his work. As he got there, he noticed the fence was put back together, good as the original. Still questioning everything, he knocked at the door to be welcomed by the old man and his wife looking very happy.
The old man excused himself from his wife to talk with the contractor in private, and broke into explanation right away.
“I had to take it apart right as soon as you left, because I needed the wife to see me building it for when she got home this morning. It made me look great. I mean, I’d love to give you credit for the original, but all I had to do was copy it, and repost the fence at the right time, and I got all the glory!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9nnu/an_older_man_wanted_to_surprise_his_wife_while/
%
Two Americans were backpacking in Europe

...when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?”
The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”
The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists.
Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily.
The first American asked his partner: ” Maybe we should learn a second language.” His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9mxk/two_americans_were_backpacking_in_europe/
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What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A Dictater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9krx/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_penis_and_a/
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Adolescent joke told by my old man

One day there was a man fly fishing from the bank of a river. He sees a trout just upstream from him and thinks to himself "If that trout moves just slightly to the right, I can drop my fly six inches and I'll be able to hook that trout". Well, there was a mouse close to the man and the mouse is thinking "If that trout moves to the right and that fisherman drops that fly six inches then he will over reach and the sandwich in his pocket will fall out and I'll get it." Well, there's a cat hunting that mouse and the cat is thinking "If that trout moves to the right and that fisherman drops that fly six inches from that trout, and that sandwich in his pocket falls and that mouse goes for the sandwich, well I'll be able to pounce on that mouse."
Well, the trout did move slightly to the right, and that fisherman did drop that fly six inches, and that sandwich did fall from the fisherman's pocket and that mouse did grab that sandwich, and the cat lost it's footing and fell into the water.
Moral of the story. Drop a fly six inches and you get a wet pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9ki0/adolescent_joke_told_by_my_old_man/
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What do you call a mountain made of cats?

A meowntain.
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9jym/what_do_you_call_a_mountain_made_of_cats/
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A penguin is driving down a desert road...

...when he hears a strange sound coming from his engine.
At the next town he pulls into the service shop and asks for help.
The mechanic says, “It’s gonna take about 20 minuets to check this out. You look pretty hot, you should go get an Ice Cream at the shop across the street to cool off while I take a look.”
So the penguin goes and orders a large vanilla ice cream cone. Now a penguin can’t use a spoon so he just goes for it and gets his face right in there. It’s kinda melty because of the heat and it gets everywhere. All over is face and chest.
As he’s finishing his ice cream he realized it’s been half an hour and he’s a little late getting back to the shop. So he just runs over without washing up.
He gets back to the mechanic and asks if he knows what’s wrong.
The mechanic says, “It looks like you just blew a seal.”
The penguin says, “Oh, no. That’s just ice cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9hg7/a_penguin_is_driving_down_a_desert_road/
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I've heard that pineapple juice makes semen taste better.

I'm not sold; to me it just ruins the juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9gu3/ive_heard_that_pineapple_juice_makes_semen_taste/
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Is it just me or...

Does anybody else find magnets really attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9fy2/is_it_just_me_or/
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Where does a penguin hide his money?

A snow bank!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9cxk/where_does_a_penguin_hide_his_money/
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A rich oil tycoon from Texas made his way to Ireland one day, where he made his way to a local pub.

He walked up to the bar and laid a bag of money on the counter whilst he declared allowed to all in the room. "I heard y'all Irish can drink, so I put it to you that not one of y'all's can drink 500 shots back to back. Prove me  wrong, and I'll give you this here five thousand dollars." The room immediately grew silent, not a soul stirred.  Then suddenly, a single gentleman stood to his feet, assumed at first to be an accepting challenger but he  quickly stormed out the front door. A half hour of time passed and the same man came back walked to the bar turned to the Texan and said, "Alright,  I'll take that bet!" The bartender lined up 500 shots and the Irish man tossed them back one after the other until he had finished all 500 shots in record time. The Texan raised his eyebrows in surprise and tipped back his hat as he handed the bag of money to the winning contender. "Well, you won." he said then asked. "Outta' curiosity, where'd you go for that half hour?" To which the Irish man laughed then replied. "Oh that! I went to the bar across the street to see if I could really do it first!"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o9cjt/a_rich_oil_tycoon_from_texas_made_his_way_to/
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A lawyer came to seek the advice of a rabbi concerning his son...

He said, "I don't know what to do. I raised my son in the Jewish faith. I taught him all of the religious traditions, threw him a large bar mitzvah, and raised him in a Jewish community but now he has become a Christian."
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask me. I also taught my son the Jewish faith from the time he was a little boy. He knew the Torah backwards and forwards and he too has become a Christian.
"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.
"Well I prayed to God about it."
"And what did He say"
"He said, 'Funny you should ask me...'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o90u3/a_lawyer_came_to_seek_the_advice_of_a_rabbi/
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What is a Mexican Roosters' favorite meal?

Hen-chiladas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8wm2/what_is_a_mexican_roosters_favorite_meal/
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Why do should you always invite two Mormons to play golf?

If you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8wgl/why_do_should_you_always_invite_two_mormons_to/
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I found this on youtube

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8tef/i_found_this_on_youtube/
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A patient of mine told me this joke today... When is a man the smartest he'll ever be?

While he's having sex with his wife; because he's plugged into a know it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8rg0/a_patient_of_mine_told_me_this_joke_today_when_is/
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What do you call a laughing jar of mayo?

LMAYO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8pv6/what_do_you_call_a_laughing_jar_of_mayo/
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What do you call a Peppa Pig jigsaw puzzle?

Bacon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8ptt/what_do_you_call_a_peppa_pig_jigsaw_puzzle/
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What do you call two hispanic kids fighting against each other?

Juan on Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8nnk/what_do_you_call_two_hispanic_kids_fighting/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8kf8/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Husband (feeling frisky): How about we change positions tonight?

Wife: OK, you stand here and do the dishes and I'll sit on the couch and fart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8jup/husband_feeling_frisky_how_about_we_change/
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Never book an orchestra for a wedding

They don't know how to conduct themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8gqn/never_book_an_orchestra_for_a_wedding/
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It doesn’t matter what color of skin you have

Whether it’s purple, black, orange, brown, or normal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8gms/it_doesnt_matter_what_color_of_skin_you_have/
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods...

...when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes have rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, “I think my friend’s dead! What do I do?”
The operator, in a soothing voice, says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy comes back on the line: “Ok, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8eve/a_couple_of_new_jersey_hunters_are_out_in_the/
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What does prosthetics engineers do?

They give orthopedic doctors a hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8bk7/what_does_prosthetics_engineers_do/
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Why do we do shorten emergency brake to e-brake, but we don't shorten parking brake to p-brake?

Because it's really inconvenient to have a p-brake while you're driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8bic/why_do_we_do_shorten_emergency_brake_to_ebrake/
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A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a bit slow but knows his job very well. Tom points her in the right direction and she is on her way. She grabs the last value pack or post-its and heads to the check out line.
"That will be $16.74 ma'am." The woman reaches in her wallet only to find she doesnt have her card on her. She apologizes and rushes back to the house. She searches the house top to bottom and no sign of her debit card. Flustered and aggravated she heads to pick up the kids.
They get home and she tells them to help look for her card, still no such luck. Her oldest offers to spot her the money from his savings and they head back to office depot.
Tom stops her on her way in and says "I tried to catch you earlier but you were in too much of a hurry. You dropped your ATM card on the way in earlier."
The woman loses her shit on poor Tom and demands to speak to the manager. The manager comes ovetr and offers her the sticky notes free of charge and apologizes for the inconvenience.
The woman calms down and stops to talk to Tom on the way out to apologize. "Y-y-yes ma'am? Can i help you?" Tom says warily.
"Tom i just wanted to come over and apologize, it has been a been a day from hell and i didnt mean to take it out on you."
Tom smiles the most polite smile he can muster up "Its not a problem ma'am, im glad you got what you came for."
The manager walks over to the two. "Is everything okay here?"
"Yes, I was just taking the time to apologize to tom here."
He smiles, nods and walks away.
"That Dave is the best manager we have ever had. He has even been teaching me how to manage my finances."
"Thats awesome! Hopefully youre saving up some money then."
" yes ma'am. He has showed me how to save money on everything, those sticky nots for instance. If you fold them over you can use the back to write on as well."
"Wow, that never occured to me before. Doesnt it make things look a bit unorganized?"
"A bit, but no one here has had to use a new post it in ages, even though theyre a tad worn out, if you do it right no one can even tell its a repost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o85uc/a_mom_is_setting_up_a_chorelist_for_her_kids/
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What’s the difference between a Ritz and a Lesbian?

One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o8363/whats_the_difference_between_a_ritz_and_a_lesbian/
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Why do southerners hate orgies?

Too many thank you notes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7ypj/why_do_southerners_hate_orgies/
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What do you say when a kazoo sneezes?

Kazoontite
(My 9yo came up with this)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7xpn/what_do_you_say_when_a_kazoo_sneezes/
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My grandma was complaining that her joints were getting weaker every day, but I’m glad that she’s doing much better.

She just started rolling them tighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7xgw/my_grandma_was_complaining_that_her_joints_were/
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Why don't ants get sick

they have little ant-ibodies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7w5v/why_dont_ants_get_sick/
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What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Tesla?

A porcupine carries it’s pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7swj/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
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What do you call sex where no one comes?

Anticlimactic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7s5e/what_do_you_call_sex_where_no_one_comes/
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Yo mama so fat



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7pxi/yo_mama_so_fat/
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The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says...

"Can you make me one with everything?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7nxn/the_dalai_lama_walks_into_a_pizza_shop_and_says/
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Here's a riddle for you:

A teenage boy walks underneath his school and meets a ghost and his pet snake. There's your Riddle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7img/heres_a_riddle_for_you/
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My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3AM!

Can you believe that, 3:00AM?
Luckily for him I was still up playing drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7ijw/my_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_this_morning_at_3am/
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My Dad always said I hammer like lightning

I never strike in the same place twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7ffp/my_dad_always_said_i_hammer_like_lightning/
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When I die, I want to leave my body to science

More specifically, a scientist who's working on bringing dead guys back to life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7cwy/when_i_die_i_want_to_leave_my_body_to_science/
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A man was walking in a park when a young lady approached him.

She exclaimed, "I know you — you're the father of one of my kids!" The gears started turning as the man tried to recollect where he met her, "Oh are you that chick I fucked in Atlanta City in that orgy in that seedy hotel while I was on a business trip? I think you were the one that kept asking to be spanked."
"No, I'm Timmy's 4th grade teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7cg8/a_man_was_walking_in_a_park_when_a_young_lady/
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Scientists have confirmed it only takes 3 1/4 inches to please a woman.

It's true! Just go measure your mastercard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7ccv/scientists_have_confirmed_it_only_takes_3_14/
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What's worse than having ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7b7p/whats_worse_than_having_ants_in_your_pants/
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What is the difference between a lobster with breast implants and an old bus stop?

One is a rusty bus station and the other is a busty Crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o7a8t/what_is_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with/
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My friend only feeds the highest quality drugs to their animals.

I told them to get off their high horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o78fv/my_friend_only_feeds_the_highest_quality_drugs_to/
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A blind man walks into the store with his seeing eye dog.

He goes into the middle of the aisle and picks the dog up. He starts swinging the dog around by the leash over his head like a helicopter.
He's knocking everything off the shelves and customers are looking at him in shock. The manager comes running up to him and says "SIR! CAN I HELP YOU?"
The guy says "No thanks, I'm just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o75bb/a_blind_man_walks_into_the_store_with_his_seeing/
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What do you call a dinosaur made out of glass?

A Py-rex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o757o/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_made_out_of_glass/
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whats the cheapest meat?

Dear balls, theyre under a buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o72e4/whats_the_cheapest_meat/
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How do you separate the Greek men from the Greek Boys?

With a crowbar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o6wuz/how_do_you_separate_the_greek_men_from_the_greek/
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I needed help deciding whether to become an athlete or a criminal,

So I made a list of pros and cons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o6wa8/i_needed_help_deciding_whether_to_become_an/
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o6w40/why_did_the_golfer_wear_two_pairs_of_pants/
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The weather were having is so islamic...

It's either Sunni or Shiite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o6sla/the_weather_were_having_is_so_islamic/
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We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea

Runs in our jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o6r4s/we_have_a_genetic_predisposition_for_diarrhea/
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Be careful having phone sex

You may get hearing AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o6q7x/be_careful_having_phone_sex/
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This is the only joke I have ever thought of that was (maybe) worth reposting

Long ago, in a land with giants and dragons there lived a very successful man.  He made his wealth trading furs, dire wolf cloaks, unicorn hide gloves, tanned kraken belts, dragon scale boots, he traded in them all.  This man, however had stopped sitting for any reason, so he would often dominate a room with his tall stature and commanding presence. Why? You may ask, and that is simple, he would always fall out of any seat in which he sat.  His mantra began as much as an explanation as it was a focus during long hours of debate, trade, or travel: ”I am bad at sitting.”  Those around him believed him cursed, to find a seat was thought impossible. The man was simply very bad at sitting correctly, and due to his stubbornness he decided it was the chairs fault and not his own.  This lead to many, often funny circumstances, and harrowing adventures.
Using his vast wealth and political connections he sought help from the greatest mages of the east.  The mages, certain they could create a chair of such comfort, and natural balance that there is no way the man could fail to sit in it properly.  Alas, the man could not get comfortable or remain seated for more than a few moments, and thus he shunned the mages for their incompetence.
After the unfortunate failings of the mages he traveled to the west, where the greatest warriors in all the realms of man made their homes.  He went from town to town, seeking the greatest of all the warriors, he found and gathered the greatest swordsman, the greatest axe wielder, the greatest archer, the greatest tracker, and even the master of the arenas: who was the finest duelist in the world.  From a traveling circus he gathered the best acrobats, those who could walk a quarter inch tightrope for miles without difficulty, with the ability to train others to do the same.
The master swordsman was an ancient woman, who taught the merchant patience greater than any other man.  The axe wielder trained him in strength, that he was among the strongest men on earth.  The Archer taught him the bow, and to hold a steady position for hours, despite his body’s protests. The tracker taught him how to move lightly, he gained such control of his body he could traverse a lightly frozen pond without breaking the ice, or leaving a trace. The arena master taught him to duel, and how to maintain his focus in any circumstance. The acrobats taught him such balance that he could sit upon a sphere of stone, which sat upon a single spike of iron, and maintain this position for days.
After years of training, and becoming one of the finest warriors, strongest men, best archers, most capable hunters, an equal to the master of the arena in a duel, and the third finest acrobat in the world, he still could not sit correctly in a chair.  He could stand on a chair, he could sleep while balanced on the back of the chair, but he could not sit as he should.  He tried for months, patient as the stone he would perch upon.  After 17 more Moons, he decided that though he had not given up, perhaps he should seek knowledge and skill that man could not provide.
He traveled far to the north, through frozen passes, over the highest mountains, and descended the deepest valleys.  He had to hunt to survive, and all those he traveled with died on the untamed mountains.  He moved boulders five times his size, he traversed hills that mountain goats would gawk at.  In due time, he came to a great cave: the place he had lost so many friends - and so much time - to find.  He ventured into the cave, searching for the great white dragon, said to be as ancient as time itself.  Upon spotting the man, the dragon roared, loud enough to shake the mountains, and deafen any mortal, but the man stood firm, able to keep his calm in any situation.  The dragon, seeing this, used magic to heal the old merchant’s ears, and said ‘What do you want, a human of such strength and skill to reach me, and such nerve as to not cower before me?’ Though the merchant did not understand the language of dragons, he thought he understood the intent of the question.  The man said “I am among the wealthiest merchants of the world, the strongest men on this plane, the finest hunter, and tracker known to man, an equal to the legendary duelists of the world, yet I can not sit in a chair.  The greatest teachers of men, and the best enchanters in the land could not train me, nor use magic to cheat me, into comfort, or even long term discomfort in a chair.  I am simply bad at it.
Unfortunately, the dragon did not know the human language very well, and due to gross miscommunication ate the man whole.  However, the man did not die, as he lay in the stomach of the dragon, he simply waited, knowing his life had come to an end.  Three days passed, the dragon feeling more and more ill as time went on.  On the fourth day the dragon’s mate returned, and asked him what was wrong.
The Ancient dragon of the north replied “It must have been something I ate, it’s just not sitting right”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o6o2c/this_is_the_only_joke_i_have_ever_thought_of_that/
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how many dead babies do you need to turn a light on?

apperantly more than twelve because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o6nlm/how_many_dead_babies_do_you_need_to_turn_a_light/
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I sleep better naked.

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o6l9e/i_sleep_better_naked/
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I asked my wife if she wanted to renew our wedding vows for our anniversary.

She said "two wrongs don't make a right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o6j3n/i_asked_my_wife_if_she_wanted_to_renew_our/
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In spite of all our political and religious disagreements here on Reddit..

I’m glad that everyone reading this is on the same page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o67vb/in_spite_of_all_our_political_and_religious/
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I put diesel in a 25 year old Escort the other day.

She died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o62i1/i_put_diesel_in_a_25_year_old_escort_the_other_day/
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What do West Virginians and gourds have in common?

They pumpkin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o5yd7/what_do_west_virginians_and_gourds_have_in_common/
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Why did the unvaccinated 3 year old want a new car?

He was having a mid-life crisis,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o5x73/why_did_the_unvaccinated_3_year_old_want_a_new_car/
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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me, "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"
Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o5wie/i_got_thrown_out_of_math_class_today/
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Did you see the leper hockey match?

There was a face off in the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o5psz/did_you_see_the_leper_hockey_match/
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Scientists discovered that Islam is the true religion after all

The universe began with a big explosion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o5pmo/scientists_discovered_that_islam_is_the_true/
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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o5oir/my_six_year_old_nephew_just_told_me_this_joke_why/
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What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o5n6w/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
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Why do Australians call each other mates?

They got tired of saying "inmates".
The British wardens got tired of saying "Go die, inmate" and it got shortened to "G'day mate".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o5mz5/why_do_australians_call_each_other_mates/
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3 guys walk into a bathroom at a bar

After about 20 minutes, the first guy comes out of the bathroom. The security guard was skeptical, so he asked what he was doing in there that took him so long. The man replied: "I was blowing bubbles". The security guard laughed and the man walked away. Another 20 minutes passed, and the second man came out. The security guard again asked what took so long. The man replied the same answer. "I was blowing bubbles". 5 minutes later, the last man comes out of the bathroom. The security guard chuckles and says: "Let me guess, were you blowing bubbles too?" The man replies: "No... I am Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o5jgs/3_guys_walk_into_a_bathroom_at_a_bar/
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Little Johnny 1 - Grammer Nazi 0

**Johnny:** I is--
**Teacher:** No no Johnny. You must never use *is* after I. You alway use *am.* Now start again.
**Johnny:** I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o5h3y/little_johnny_1_grammer_nazi_0/
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I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn't real.

It was a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o5dle/i_dreamed_about_a_color_once_but_when_i_woke_up_i/
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My wife has a body of a 12 year old.

She keeps it in the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o56pv/my_wife_has_a_body_of_a_12_year_old/
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My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline

She really hit the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o55a6/my_wife_just_found_out_i_replaced_our_bed_with_a/
%
It's like the weather saw a state trooper

It went from 90 to 45 real quick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o54c6/its_like_the_weather_saw_a_state_trooper/
%
What’s got 2 legs, is six feet tall, and is only around when you’re not?

I’m worried my wife is fucking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o4o6a/whats_got_2_legs_is_six_feet_tall_and_is_only/
%
You know if my grandpa fought harder

All these jokes would be in German.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o4kz5/you_know_if_my_grandpa_fought_harder/
%
What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?

You get *NOTHING*! *YOU LOSE*! *GOOD DAY, SIR*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o4fig/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_willy_wonka_with/
%
Apparently Tesla is producing a new cologne that acts as a strong pheromone,

They're calling it, "Elon's Musk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o4cvz/apparently_tesla_is_producing_a_new_cologne_that/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the Prince's ball?

Gagged and threw up on his cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o4bkh/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the/
%
I like my women how I like my lights

Turned on and artificial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o49gs/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_lights/
%
A cargo ship struck an iceberg, tearing a gash in the side.

It was carrying bagged chips, so it didn't sink until it was unloaded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o47os/a_cargo_ship_struck_an_iceberg_tearing_a_gash_in/
%
It's not politically correct to say 'colored person' anymore.

Instead, we just say hue man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o40n5/its_not_politically_correct_to_say_colored_person/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o3xto/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
Yo mamas so fat

Her belly button gets home 15 minutes before she does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o3uji/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

"Hang on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o3mop/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_palm_tree/
%
What do you call a lizard that hates fortnite youtubers?

An Ali-hater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o39ia/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_that_hates_fortnite/
%
How many Nazis does it take to finish a race?

None, Nazis can't finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o34yi/how_many_nazis_does_it_take_to_finish_a_race/
%
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best mate

They’re both cauldron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o32g7/harry_potter_cant_tell_the_difference_between_a/
%
A warning to people with kidney disease.

Urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o2rly/a_warning_to_people_with_kidney_disease/
%
I decided to try the old yawn and put your arm around them trick

The guy at the urinal next to mine wasn't amused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o2pgj/i_decided_to_try_the_old_yawn_and_put_your_arm/
%
I don't often tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o2jnb/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
%
What does Captain Picard say when he goes to a Chinese restaurant?

"Make it Tso!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o2g1f/what_does_captain_picard_say_when_he_goes_to_a/
%
BREAKIN NEWS!

But sit tight, we'll be back after this short commercial break.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o2by0/breakin_news/
%
My Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting is scheduled to last a hour, but

We tend to finish early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o2bnc/my_premature_ejaculators_anonymous_meeting_is/
%
I left my dentist today

He looked disappointed, so I said "Hey, no hard fillings!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o2atz/i_left_my_dentist_today/
%
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.
Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o1ywv/student_1_my_name_is_tom_archer_because_my/
%
I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o1xlk/i_woke_up_with_a_really_stiff_neck_i_got_out_of/
%
Yo momma's so lonely

she kept you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o1is5/yo_mommas_so_lonely/
%
Why did the mountain laugh?

Because it was hillarious!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o1gm1/why_did_the_mountain_laugh/
%
German Dream

We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o1fat/german_dream/
%
I’m making a gay porn staring male Nintendo characters

I’m calling it Super Smash Bros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o13kk/im_making_a_gay_porn_staring_male_nintendo/
%
Me wanting to get laid is like being on reddit

expecting to see original content. It’s not gonna happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0xzl/me_wanting_to_get_laid_is_like_being_on_reddit/
%
My picture got framed the other day...

Now it's upstate doing time for armed robbery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0wyl/my_picture_got_framed_the_other_day/
%
Whats the difference between a woman and a bowling ball

You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0vc4/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
%
What’s a frogs favourite social media platform?

Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0tdf/whats_a_frogs_favourite_social_media_platform/
%
I saw a beautiful woman standing at the bar. I asked her, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She angrily replied, "NO!!"
To which I responded, "Huh...must be your feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0tcc/i_saw_a_beautiful_woman_standing_at_the_bar_i/
%
I hope you like minigolf...

Because I'm gonna get 2 strokes in every hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0r77/i_hope_you_like_minigolf/
%
Sometimes i like to tuck my knees under my arms and lean backwards

Cuz thats just how i roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0r5g/sometimes_i_like_to_tuck_my_knees_under_my_arms/
%
Two ants were walking down a road, side by side.

One ant says to the other, "You know, despite how incredibly successful our species is, our tiny brains are nowhere near having the capability to comprehend language like humans do."
The other replies, "Yeah, I really wish people would stop anthropomorphizing us in their jokes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0pjy/two_ants_were_walking_down_a_road_side_by_side/
%
A bartender walks into a stable.

The horse says, "Why the normal face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0pgn/a_bartender_walks_into_a_stable/
%
A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari...

Along the way, they are captured by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request."
The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst. He gets it, and then the cannibals eat him.
The Frenchman asks for three girls. He has crazy sex with them, and then suffers the fate of the German.
The Russian demands: "Hit me hard, right on my nose!" The chief is surprised, but hits him.
The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. The mortally-wounded chief asks him: "Why didn't you do this before we ate the German?"
The Russian proudly replies: "Russians are not aggressors!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0l88/a_frenchman_a_german_and_a_russian_go_on_a_safari/
%
I was in the library one day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.

I replied, "It's 2018, dude, use whatever printer you want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0kz1/i_was_in_the_library_one_day_when_a_black_man/
%
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.

They’re both cauldron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0g7y/harry_potter_cant_tell_the_difference_between_his/
%
I am like God to my current girlfriend

I constantly keep an eye on her and she doesn't know I exist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0fzr/i_am_like_god_to_my_current_girlfriend/
%
Genie: You have three wishes

Me: Make every word four letters
Gnie: Okay
meee: make evry word strt andd endd with "b"
Bnib: Bkab
Bmeb: Bakb bvrb borb bavd "o" binb bthb bidb
Boob: boob
Boob: boob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0bn1/genie_you_have_three_wishes/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who get binary jokes and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o08yk/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
I am going to invest in Deer Farming...

seems like the best bang for buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9o0744/i_am_going_to_invest_in_deer_farming/
%
Why is DJ Khalid’s favourite number 11?

because it has another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nzz7s/why_is_dj_khalids_favourite_number_11/
%
What will you call a dog with no legs ?

You don’t have to because it will never come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nzyil/what_will_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Went to a party dressed as an egg

Then I got with a guy dressed as a chicken.
A life long question was answered that night.
It was the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nzxxg/went_to_a_party_dressed_as_an_egg/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

The bar tender says, "why the long face?"
The horse replies, "because my alcoholism is destroying my family"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nzuim/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a German virgin?

...gutentight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nzs9z/what_do_you_call_a_german_virgin/
%
What’s the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player

A hockey player showers after 3 periods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nzqyf/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippie_chick_and_a/
%
What is the colour of the wind?

Blew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nzqpv/what_is_the_colour_of_the_wind/
%
What do you call hip people that go to bed and breakfasts?

The Inn Crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nzqmm/what_do_you_call_hip_people_that_go_to_bed_and/
%
What does a rusty can of sprayon rust remover smell like?

Irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nzkao/what_does_a_rusty_can_of_sprayon_rust_remover/
%
A ton of elderly people died from having sex.

Man, it must be the strokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nzj22/a_ton_of_elderly_people_died_from_having_sex/
%
Instructions unclear

The first time I tried to bake a cake I followed the instructions to the letter, but it was a disaster — I almost burned the house down. The fireman told me that when it said to grease the bottom of the pan they really meant the inside of the pan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nzi5c/instructions_unclear/
%
What do you call a black neurosurgeon?

A Doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nzcgt/what_do_you_call_a_black_neurosurgeon/
%
I hate people with straight teeth...

Yes, I'm bracist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nzbuu/i_hate_people_with_straight_teeth/
%
You mama so fat

Even Flatearthers are starting to doubt her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nzaej/you_mama_so_fat/
%
Why don't we see kids doing the Tide pod challenge anymore?

They cleaned themselves up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nz9t1/why_dont_we_see_kids_doing_the_tide_pod_challenge/
%
My vegan wife says that cow's milk is for calves...

then she won't let me suck her tits when I'm thirsty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nz7al/my_vegan_wife_says_that_cows_milk_is_for_calves/
%
My girlfriend dreamt that I had a threesome with my other two girlfriends...

God damn, it feels amazing to know that she believes in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nz38k/my_girlfriend_dreamt_that_i_had_a_threesome_with/
%
I broke up with my girlfriend at a restaurant, she started crying.

Everyone at the restaurant thought I proposed to her so they started clapping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nz2yu/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_at_a_restaurant_she/
%
A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle

When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him.
The guy looks at his situation...and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!"
Just then, the clouds above opened, and a bright light shined down upon him..and he heard a great, thunderous, but calm voice, and he said, "No, my son..you are NOT fucked. Pick up the large rock at your feet, and strike the man in front of you with all your might".
The young man doesn't hesitate. He reaches down, picks up the rock, draws back and hits the chief right in the head.
The chief just falls backwards, dead. Plop.
The tribesmen all look at the chief, and then look at the young man, with a total look of stunned disbelief.
Then the voice from above speaks again.."*NOW* you're fucked".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nz2yf/a_young_adventurer_guy_is_trekking_through_the/
%
How much semen does a gay guy have?

A buttload.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nz2qd/how_much_semen_does_a_gay_guy_have/
%
Yo momma so fat

When the doctor drew her blood he said "I can't believe it's not butter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nz0ex/yo_momma_so_fat/
%
Called in Sick to work.

Called my boss and told her I had come down with a horrible case of anal glaucoma..... I just couldn't see my ass going into work today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nz00j/called_in_sick_to_work/
%
What bounces and makes kids cry?

My donation cheque to "Children in Need."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nyv6u/what_bounces_and_makes_kids_cry/
%
The Ikea owner died, and his funeral was delayed..

They couldn't figure out how to put together his casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nyug6/the_ikea_owner_died_and_his_funeral_was_delayed/
%
yo mama so fat

that a recursive algorithm to calculate her mass suffers from a stack overflow error before completion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nyug8/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
Guys, stop with the yo mama jokes. They're old, tired, and overused.

Like yo mama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nyu3i/guys_stop_with_the_yo_mama_jokes_theyre_old_tired/
%
I've heard it's rude to interrupt someone when they're talking, so...

I haven't spoken to my wife in 20 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nyu16/ive_heard_its_rude_to_interrupt_someone_when/
%
Roses are black, violets are black,

Everything is black. I’m blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nyqac/roses_are_black_violets_are_black/
%
I used to be an investor.

I lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nyo3q/i_used_to_be_an_investor/
%
Yesterday this guy walks up on my lawn and gives me the finger.

I swear that's the last time I try to cut my tree limbs without gloves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nyj9d/yesterday_this_guy_walks_up_on_my_lawn_and_gives/
%
If I paint my PC black

will it run faster or stop working?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nydkd/if_i_paint_my_pc_black/
%
My cocaine dealer is a bit over inquisitive.

He’s always sticking his business in other people’s noses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nyd9z/my_cocaine_dealer_is_a_bit_over_inquisitive/
%
A man asked his girlfriend to tell him something that would make him happy and mad at the same time

She said,
"You're the best at sex amongst all your friends"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ny96n/a_man_asked_his_girlfriend_to_tell_him_something/
%
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery in one sentence.

Oh my God, I am pregnant, I wonder who the father is ....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ny8sv/religion_sexuality_and_mystery_in_one_sentence/
%
She’s not fat

She’s just easy to see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ny7ca/shes_not_fat/
%
I got fired from my job as a bingo number caller yesterday,

Apparently "dinner for two with a hairy view" wasn't an appropriate way to call out 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ny6l7/i_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_bingo_number_caller/
%
How does Harry Potter go down a hill?

By walking
jk rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ny2rf/how_does_harry_potter_go_down_a_hill/
%
Which animals are most difficult to impress?

Goats
Because they find everything "Mehhhhhhhhh".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ny2bx/which_animals_are_most_difficult_to_impress/
%
Blond girl in the movie theatre.

The blond rushes to the counter,
Blond girl: " Can i get a ticket ?"
Cashier: " you just got one 2 minutes ago ? "
Blond girl: " Yea but the idiot in the door ripped it in two "
Badum tsh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ny0xf/blond_girl_in_the_movie_theatre/
%
What did the Nightmare Before Christmas Tree say before it fell?

TIMBURTON!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ny0gm/what_did_the_nightmare_before_christmas_tree_say/
%
Why don't Germans have sausage for breakfast?

Because that would mean things went from bed to wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxz2q/why_dont_germans_have_sausage_for_breakfast/
%
A perv, a con artist, and a facist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What can I get you, Mr. President?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxyev/a_perv_a_con_artist_and_a_facist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Running late for work

A blonde is driving to work while on the phone with her husband. She passes a field and notices a strange sight.
“You’ll never believe this! There’s a blonde woman sitting in a canoe in the middle of this field rowing for all she’s worth. Gah! It’s women like her that give all us blondes a bad name.”
“If I wasn’t late for work I’d swim out there and teach her a lesson!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxy8f/running_late_for_work/
%
Your mama so dumb

She climbs over a glass wall to see what’s on the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxwtl/your_mama_so_dumb/
%
Since I like helping the environment and recycling/reusing things I searched for a place with like-minded people.

After a few days I finally found where they reuse and recycle almost everything: r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxw3e/since_i_like_helping_the_environment_and/
%
The past tense of bee...

...is wasp!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxsle/the_past_tense_of_bee/
%
Don’t take your kid to comicon

Because if a fire or something breaks out, they’ll be very confused as to why all the superheroes are running the fuck away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxqwh/dont_take_your_kid_to_comicon/
%
i saw a female scarecrow

And I said hay girl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxqc6/i_saw_a_female_scarecrow/
%
I rear-ended a car this morning...

The other driver got out of his car and was a dwarf.  He looked up at me and said, "I'M NOT HAPPY!"
"Well which one are you then?" I asked.
That's how the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxq8j/i_rearended_a_car_this_morning/
%
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500

I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxp4p/losing_a_rifle_in_the_army_can_get_you_a_fine/
%
A homeless man is walking across a bridge...

A homeless man (a particularly homeless-looking homeless man) is walking across a bridge and comes across the most beautiful woman he's ever seen standing at the edge, ready to jump off.  He goes over to her and says
"Miss, you can't do this! You're so beautiful and there has to be so many good things in your life, please come down!"
the woman looks over to him and says
"I'm sorry sir, but if you only knew everything about my life, you'd know I have no other option"
He backs away and says to her
"alright, I'm not going to try anything crazy, but before you jump, do you want to have sex one last time?"
She sneers, gives him a look of disgust and tells him
"that's the most horrible thing I've ever heard! I'd never in a million years have sex with you, you're a filthy bum, you stink, and it's laughable you'd even ask!"
The homeless man shrugs and says
"fine lady, have it your way. I'll just wait for you at the bottom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxld9/a_homeless_man_is_walking_across_a_bridge/
%
Whilst Geology is about rocks...

Geography is where its at

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxlbd/whilst_geology_is_about_rocks/
%
A woman encounter a friend she hasn't seen in some years in the produce market.

After some catching up she tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"Yeah, he wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxl00/a_woman_encounter_a_friend_she_hasnt_seen_in_some/
%
I once saw a fight where a group of 4 people were beating up an old lady. Due to my fighting experience I didn’t hestitate for a second to help.

She didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxibv/i_once_saw_a_fight_where_a_group_of_4_people_were/
%
Yo momma so fat

Thanos had to clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nxaja/yo_momma_so_fat/
%
Two aliens are trying to figure out how to infiltrate earth to blend in...

They spend a lot of time watching how people go about their lives and decide the first thing they need to do to exist and blend is get money to thrive. They land their spaceship in a cornfield and walk to the closest place they can find, a gas station. They walk up to the gas pump and demand it gives them money. No reply. They demand again and threaten to end its life with their ray gun if it doesn’t do what they want. Still no reply. They give it one final chance, still doesn’t answer. Alien 1 blasts it, the gas pump explodes, sending them flying hundreds of yards back into the cornfield. They lay there beaten and burned and one alien says to other...”I knew we shouldn’t have messed with a guy that could that could throw his dick all the way over his shoulder and put it in his pocket.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nx7i4/two_aliens_are_trying_to_figure_out_how_to/
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Went to a party dressed as an egg and met a guy dressed as a chicken...

Finally answered the age old question, the chicken came first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nx2be/went_to_a_party_dressed_as_an_egg_and_met_a_guy/
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A teacher asks her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

First, she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says. "Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."
So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says. "That's not bad either, but I'd really like someone to use fascinate."
Little Johnny had his hand waving the whole time, and the teacher knew he's usually naughty but how could he mess up the word fascinate, so she called on him. "My Aunt Jenny always wears a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nx0cy/a_teacher_asks_her_students_to_use_the_word/
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I hated eating my greens in school when I was a kid

They always tasted worse than the other crayons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nx05m/i_hated_eating_my_greens_in_school_when_i_was_a/
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Yo mama so fat

We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nwyt5/yo_mama_so_fat/
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Your apartment is so dirty...

I have to take my shoes off to go outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nwymj/your_apartment_is_so_dirty/
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V



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nwxuj/v/
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What do an expectant teen mom and her baby share in common?

They are both thinking **"Fuck!, mom is going to kill me!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nwssi/what_do_an_expectant_teen_mom_and_her_baby_share/
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This might be a little racist

but I prefer the 1k over the mile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nwpha/this_might_be_a_little_racist/
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My wife left me because I spend too much time playing video games

Now I do it because I enjoy it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nwoqz/my_wife_left_me_because_i_spend_too_much_time/
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Did you hear they ended up ruling the courtroom masturbator not guilty?

Apparently he got off on a technicality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nwlme/did_you_hear_they_ended_up_ruling_the_courtroom/
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What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it?

“You’re just jealous, because I can make your wife scream louder than you can.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nwl6j/what_did_the_cockroach_say_to_the_man_who_wanted/
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An German naval captain is reassigned to a new u-boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he said: "First Officer, I demand zat ze u-boat be scoured, and every one of zese posters be taken down! Make sure you find who did it and report back to me so zey can be punished!" “Yes of course Captain. I’ll find out who did it, and punish them immediately!” After a few days of questioning crewmen, the first officer was unable to find the perpetrator. Soon after, the posters of the captain reappeared. The captain, becoming increasingly angry, ordered their removal for a second time. After a second round of questioning and poster removal, all was silent for a few days. Then the posters began to reappear. "First Officer!" the captain roared "You are evidently not doing your job, ze posters are back all over ze u-boat, even worse zan before!"
The first officer fired back at the captain. "It's not my fault sir! It's just that everything is always reposted several times on this sub!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nwgu4/an_german_naval_captain_is_reassigned_to_a_new/
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Did you know the ancient Stoics never got cavities?

They were implacable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nwdap/did_you_know_the_ancient_stoics_never_got_cavities/
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Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship?

I’m asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nwafx/does_anyone_want_to_be_in_a_platonic_relationship/
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My kids wanted to know some spanish

They ask me "how do you say "Oh my God" in Spanish, Dad?"
I say, "Aye Dios mio, but we should not take the Lord's name in vain. Say "Oh my gosh"".
They say, "how do you say THAT in Spanish?"
I said, as I realized the Dad joke I had stumbled on, "Aye Diosh mio..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nw36a/my_kids_wanted_to_know_some_spanish/
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A blonde, brunette, and ginger steal from a bank....

They run and hide in a nearby farm while they're being chased by the cops. The three women hide behind a cow, pig, and potatoes.
The officer crashes through the barn doors and turns on his flashlight to look for the women. He shines the light on the cow where the ginger is and the woman says, "mooo" and gets away with it.
The officer then shines the light on the pigs and the brunette, who is hiding there, says, "oink" and gets away with it.
Finally, the officer points the light at the sacks of potatoes and the blonde says, "po-tat-oes"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nw348/a_blonde_brunette_and_ginger_steal_from_a_bank/
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How do you stay warm in a cold room?

Go to the corner, it's 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nvxdt/how_do_you_stay_warm_in_a_cold_room/
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I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid

Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nvwy2/i_heard_that_999_of_reddit_users_are_actually/
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Why couldn't Anakin pay for dinner?

His Master card was denied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nvuku/why_couldnt_anakin_pay_for_dinner/
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!''
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly.
The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nvtia/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_with_a_fullgrown/
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Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships.

So, who's the cheater? My wife or my girlfriend?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nvr5f/statistics_say_that_13_of_people_cheat_in_their/
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I just got told I'm an asshole for turning down a party invitation

Search parties are just not my kinda thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nvpzv/i_just_got_told_im_an_asshole_for_turning_down_a/
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My house cleaner is getting really annoying.

She keeps asking me to move out and says she wants a divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nvppw/my_house_cleaner_is_getting_really_annoying/
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I like women like my wine.

12 years old and locked up in the basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nvnla/i_like_women_like_my_wine/
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Italian Altar Boy's Confession

An Italian altar boy goes to confession.
He starts, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nvmtk/italian_altar_boys_confession/
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What’s your favorite band to masturbate to?

Mine is The Strokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nvm33/whats_your_favorite_band_to_masturbate_to/
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A mother has 3 kids.

The first kids asks "Mom, why did name me Rose?" The mother replies "Because a rose pedal fell on your head when you were little."
The second kid asks "Mom, why did you name me Tulip?" The mother replies "Because a tulip pedal fell on your head when you were little."
The third kid asks "dygseg xhxyd awheey obono hdyd?" The mother replies "Shut up, Brick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nvl3p/a_mother_has_3_kids/
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday

Not only is it terrible , it's also terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nvi70/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_yesterday/
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Are glass coffins going to catch on as the latest trend?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nvfe6/are_glass_coffins_going_to_catch_on_as_the_latest/
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My wife is very fond of saying "It's the little things in life..."

I just wish she wouldn't say it after sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nva7s/my_wife_is_very_fond_of_saying_its_the_little/
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Where does a waitress with one leg work?

IHop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nv9oa/where_does_a_waitress_with_one_leg_work/
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Ive heard so much about the Eye of the Tiger,

But why does nobody talk about the other four letters?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nv8yi/ive_heard_so_much_about_the_eye_of_the_tiger/
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Why did Professor Snape hate Herbology

His Lily died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nv3xb/why_did_professor_snape_hate_herbology/
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

A person that stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nv3jh/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an_insomniac_an/
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A woman is on vacation in Spain...

A lady goes on vacation to Spain and decides to go to a bull fighting match. She finds it mildly entertaining but is somewhat distressed at the violence inherent in the act. After the show ends she goes to a restaurant near the arena and asks the waiter what he would recommend. He passionately recommends that she order the freshly vanquished bull's balls. She is a little hesitant because of the price and the fact that she's about to order genitalia to eat, but she went on the vacation for adventure, so she agrees. A few minutes later the waiter returns with a large platter holding two huge testicles covered in a creamy sauce. She pinches her nose and takes a bite. Immediately she is overwhelmed with the delicious taste and digs in, finishing it in just minutes. She thanks the waiter for recommending the meal and leaves after paying for her meal. The next day, having already seen the spectacle of a bull fight, she just goes on a walk around town, stopping at little boutiques here and there and admiring the beautiful and ancient architecture. As the day draws to an end she decides the best way to top it off is to go back to the restaurant and order the same delicious meal as the previous night. The waiter takers her order and returns a few minutes later with a rather small plate with two very tiny testicles on it. She is confused and upset, and says to the waiter,
"What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Yesterday I ordered this exact dish and had much more food on my plate! Is that your angle? You give someone a huge helping the first time and then charge the same price for much smaller portions after that? This is outrageous!"
The waiter smiles apologetically and asks, "Madam, did you happen to attend the fight in the arena today?"
The woman replies angrily, "No, I didn't. What does that have to do with anything?"
The waiter replies, "Well, madam, the bull does not always lose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nv35v/a_woman_is_on_vacation_in_spain/
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A koala walks into a brothel

and chooses one of the ladies of the evening. They go to her room and the koala asks if he can eat her out. The prostitute says "yes", after the koala is done he gets off the bed and starts to leave. The prostitute stops him and says "where are you going, you have to pay me", the koala says "why". The prostitute gets a dictionary and opens it up to the word prostitute, and shows the koala. The description reads "gets paid for having sex". The koala then takes the dictionary and opens it to the word koala. He tells the lady of the evening to read what the description for koala says out loud. "Eats bushes and leaves".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nv1uh/a_koala_walks_into_a_brothel/
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Golf Story

Four guys had been going on the same golfing trip to St. Andrews for many years.
Two days before the group was to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going.
Jack's buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later, the three get to St. Andrews, only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
Wow, Jack, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your old lady into letting you go?
Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair, and my wife comes up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asks, 'Guess who?'  I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a see-through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well, she had been reading ˜50 Shades of Grey, and on the bed she had handcuffs, a blindfold, and ropes!
She told me to put the blindfold on her, tie her up, and cuff her to the bed.
So I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So... Here I am!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nv11r/golf_story/
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There are three kinds of people

Those who can count and those who can’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nuzzh/there_are_three_kinds_of_people/
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Why was the blonde’s belly button bruised?

Her boyfriend was a blond too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nuzyd/why_was_the_blondes_belly_button_bruised/
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Does anybody know which actor played Forrest Gump?

Thanks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nuz3v/does_anybody_know_which_actor_played_forrest_gump/
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What did the lesbian vampire say to the lesbian?

See you next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nuul4/what_did_the_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_lesbian/
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When I was a teenager, I realized I was attracted to butts

Now I’m a grown ass-man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nuo2k/when_i_was_a_teenager_i_realized_i_was_attracted/
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said  be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nuk43/a_wife_was_making_a_breakfast_of_fried_eggs_for/
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A Little Push...

Late in the night, a couple wake up to the insistent sound of the doorbell. The owner of the house gets up and, through the window, asks:
\- What do you want?
\- Hello. I know it's late. But I need someone to push me. Your house is the only one in this region. Can you help me?
Completely enraged, the newly awake replies:
\- I do not know you. It's 4 o'clock in the morning and you ask me to help you? You are drunk!
And back to bed. The woman, who had also awakened, did not like her husband's attitude:
\- You exaggerated! You've run out of battery here recently. You could have helped the guy.
\- Push him? He's drunk - excuse his husband.
\- One more reason to help him - the woman insists.
\- He will not be able to walk alone. And you, who are always so helpful ...
Bitten by remorse, her husband dresses and goes out into the street:
\- Hey, I'll help you! Where are you?
And the drunkard, shouting from the back of the garden:
\- Yooooo .. here, on the swing! ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nugvu/a_little_push/
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Toasters were originally called....

Tanning breads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nugn8/toasters_were_originally_called/
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Of all the people in my life that have inspired me to achieve greatness...

I would say the most inspirational was an obese man I saw cliff jump into the sea.
He had a massive impact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nub8y/of_all_the_people_in_my_life_that_have_inspired/
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A man admired his Jewish friends watch

"That's a fine watch you have there!" His friend replied, "Got it for a great price! My father sold it to me right before he passed away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nu8f0/a_man_admired_his_jewish_friends_watch/
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A cop pulled me over while I was riding your mother last night.

I'm glad I had my Class C for excessive gross weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nu3s7/a_cop_pulled_me_over_while_i_was_riding_your/
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College student: "I think gay people should be able to marry."

Ben Shapiro: "Well I disagree."
Video Title: Ben Shapiro DESTROYS college LIBTARD pussy and JACKS OFF into his mouth with FACTS and LOGIC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nu2fx/college_student_i_think_gay_people_should_be_able/
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I don't know who Fuck is but...

He must make some damn good Sake if he's this famous!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntzhe/i_dont_know_who_fuck_is_but/
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Why do blind people hate sky diving?

It scares their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntz7u/why_do_blind_people_hate_sky_diving/
%
I got a buddy who’s a serial killer.

He’s one of those that likes to kill folks and use their skin as clothes. Obviously a real creepy guy, but he’s also exhausting to be around. So, I stopped hanging out with him once he started to wear me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntx8n/i_got_a_buddy_whos_a_serial_killer/
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It's hard for cannibals to catch psychics, but when they do, how do they like them cooked?

Medium rare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntx2b/its_hard_for_cannibals_to_catch_psychics_but_when/
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Man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes.  He guesses there must be at least ten thousand pounds in it. He approaches the bartender and asks: "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay £10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender £10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my £10 -- but I'm not an idiot!  I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming and sounds of a terrible fight –then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over hisbody.
He drunkenly says: *"Now... Where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntwiq/man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Do you know what my grandma would say if she was here right now?

BBBBRRRRAAAAIIIINNNNNSSSS
(My grandmas dead and I never get tired of cracking this joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntu98/do_you_know_what_my_grandma_would_say_if_she_was/
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I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.

He said there was a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntt0m/i_asked_my_friend_how_much_getting_a_vasectomy/
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My grandmother died recently.

We had her cremated.
I think that’s what killed her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntsy6/my_grandmother_died_recently/
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Yo mama so ugly...

she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntsqj/yo_mama_so_ugly/
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I had to take my mother to hospital yesterday after a giant bee landed on her face

Thankfully it didn't actually sting her, I was too quick with the shovel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntsmt/i_had_to_take_my_mother_to_hospital_yesterday/
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Life is like a game of chess.

I don't know how to play chess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntrwa/life_is_like_a_game_of_chess/
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A descendant of a pharaoh

learned he was going to die and called his pastor, his doctor and his lawyer to his room.  He told the three that he wanted to be buried in the style of his ancestors and to be buried with some of his wealth. He hands them each an envelope and says “In this envelope is $30,000. I want you to slip this in my casket before I am buried.”  They each agree to honor his request.
A few weeks later he dies and the three men come and place envelopes in his casket before it is lowered to the ground. After a beautiful ceremony, the three men walk around the cemetery together. The pastor starts crying and says “I must confess something. I felt strongly that he was going to hell for being so concerned about money so I used $10,000 to help build an orphanage in his name. The envelope only had $20,000.”
The doctor said, “I, too, must confess. I donated $15,000 to find a cure for his disease so that others like him could live.  My envelope only had $15,000 in it.”
The lawyer looked indignant. “I can’t believe you would spend his money like that and not honor his wishes.  My envelope had a personal check for the full $30,000.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntquv/a_descendant_of_a_pharaoh/
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An old woman is in a coma in a hospital and has been for 6 months...

One day a nurse is giving the comatosed woman her daily sponge bath and when the nurse rubbed the lady on her special place she noticed the heart monitor dramatically spike up indicating the woman might have responded!
The nurse inform the doctors who immediately call the woman's husband to the scene and explain what has happened to him.
The doctors go on to say that they were wondering if the husband would go behind closed curtains with his wife and perform oral sex on her because it may wake her up and couldn't do her any harm.
The man obviously agrees and goes behind the curtain with his wife and the doctors observe the woman's vital signs from outside. After a minute or 2 out of the blue all the screens flatline and alarms are raised due to no sign of the life.
The doctors swing back the curtain and frantically ask the husband "What happened!?".
He says "I don't know, I think she choked?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntqsz/an_old_woman_is_in_a_coma_in_a_hospital_and_has/
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The Indian Scout

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntoxz/the_indian_scout/
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Will glass coffins ever be popular?

Remains to be seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntmwg/will_glass_coffins_ever_be_popular/
%
Did Jesus die a virgin?

Heck no! He got nailed before he died :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntkmr/did_jesus_die_a_virgin/
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What did farmer say when his entire crop died suddenly.

What a surprising turnip event.
*This is my first attempt at writing a joke, and my wife thinks it's awful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntgc8/what_did_farmer_say_when_his_entire_crop_died/
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If a person overdoeses on Viagra

Do they die hard?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntfsk/if_a_person_overdoeses_on_viagra/
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The doctor told me to stay away from trans fats

Now I'm only going after the skinny ones ❤️

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntfl6/the_doctor_told_me_to_stay_away_from_trans_fats/
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I wrote letters to all the people I hate

and burned them, and now I don't know what to do with the letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntfai/i_wrote_letters_to_all_the_people_i_hate/
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My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name...

But I called her Bluff...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nteti/my_wife_didnt_think_id_give_our_daughter_a_silly/
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What’s the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne waits until a boy is 13 before he comes on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntem0/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
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My teacher told me a current carrying conductor produces a magmetic field. I disagreed.

Teacher said, "I am the teacher."
I said, "I don't give a flux."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nte2a/my_teacher_told_me_a_current_carrying_conductor/
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My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom

I almost choked on my own cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntdj3/my_wife_told_me_i_was_too_selfish_in_the_bedroom/
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Why are windows the saddest part of a house?

Because they are always surrounded by pane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntd8q/why_are_windows_the_saddest_part_of_a_house/
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Why can't you fool an unborn fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntd7k/why_cant_you_fool_an_unborn_fetus/
%
I caught my neighbors dog taking a shit on my lawn this morning so I put it in his mailbox.

Well, not all of it. Just the legs and tail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntcrg/i_caught_my_neighbors_dog_taking_a_shit_on_my/
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I have supported female entrepreneurs my entire adult life

...fucking prostitutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ntcfn/i_have_supported_female_entrepreneurs_my_entire/
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A rental van ran over my foot today...

Fucking Hertz!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nta9l/a_rental_van_ran_over_my_foot_today/
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"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nt82y/tell_me_what_you_want_i_whispered_as_i_slid_my/
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I made an award that looked like a cat's rear end, but nobody liked it.

It was a catastrophe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nt7fg/i_made_an_award_that_looked_like_a_cats_rear_end/
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Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend.

They are both cauldron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nt703/harry_potter_cant_tell_the_difference_between_his/
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What's it called when a redneck village dies out?

Incesticide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nt5gv/whats_it_called_when_a_redneck_village_dies_out/
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An old man enters the doctor's clinic

the waiting room is full of people. the man walks up to the receptionist and she says: Hello sir, what is the reason for you to see the doctor? he answers: there's something wrong with my penis. immediately every one looks up to the man and the receptionist, clearly embarrassed, tells him: you could have said you have a problem with your ear or something. the man answers angrily: well maybe you shouldn't have asked me what the problem was! he left the room angry. after a few minutes he comes back inside and walks up to the receptionist again. she thinks he wants to make up for what happened before, so she asks him again: Hello sir, what is the reason for you to see the doctor? he answers: I have a problem with my ear. she then asks him: what is the problem? so he answers: It hurts to piss through it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nt1c7/an_old_man_enters_the_doctors_clinic/
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I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nsx44/i_just_failed_a_fire_safety_course_when_they/
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Why do fish always sing off key?

Because you can't tuna fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nssyz/why_do_fish_always_sing_off_key/
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What’s the toughest part about using natural remedies instead of vaccines?

Dying when they don’t work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nskzx/whats_the_toughest_part_about_using_natural/
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I hate people with disabilities

However im mute so i cant really talk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nsfp2/i_hate_people_with_disabilities/
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The blind man

A nun is taking a bath when she hears a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" She says.
"It's the blind man."
Thinking there was no harm in letting a blind man in since he couldn't see her, she says, "Come in."
He walks in and says, "Nice tits. Now where do you want the blind?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nse30/the_blind_man/
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nsdl2/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
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*kissing on small couch*

Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I'll call Karen
Her: ...three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nsaq7/kissing_on_small_couch/
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When the girls sing "They did the mash" and then the guy chimes in with "They did the *monster* mash"

That's wolfmansplaining

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ns9gk/when_the_girls_sing_they_did_the_mash_and_then/
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What do you call a fish that's going to jail?

Gillty
Credit: my 7 year old nephew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ns60x/what_do_you_call_a_fish_thats_going_to_jail/
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Blind people of Reddit, what do...

Oh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ns5oi/blind_people_of_reddit_what_do/
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What’s the difference between Santa and my dad

At least Santa visits once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ns50b/whats_the_difference_between_santa_and_my_dad/
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Man, I hate when I buy a TV and it says "Built In Antenna"

I really don't like buying foreign products.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrydb/man_i_hate_when_i_buy_a_tv_and_it_says_built_in/
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If assholes could fly

This place would be an airport

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrvky/if_assholes_could_fly/
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What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty?

A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrvc0/whats_the_difference_between_a_water_bottle_and/
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What's the opposite of opposite?

Oppo-stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrukf/whats_the_opposite_of_opposite/
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Where does Justin Timberlake like to visit when he's in Europe?

The Crimea River.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrtqu/where_does_justin_timberlake_like_to_visit_when/
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How does a phone get drunk

It takes screenshots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrsfa/how_does_a_phone_get_drunk/
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I’m just a Door looking for a job.

Know of any openings?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrs63/im_just_a_door_looking_for_a_job/
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What time is it in a dentists’ office?

Tooth Hurty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrr69/what_time_is_it_in_a_dentists_office/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrq7h/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
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Son: Father, can I go outdoors with no clothes on?

Father: Naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrpi2/son_father_can_i_go_outdoors_with_no_clothes_on/
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Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrp5p/did_you_hear_about_the_software_update_apple/
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Buying drinks

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrlt2/buying_drinks/
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How to catch a polar bear

Step 1 go and carve a hole in ice.
Step 2  get a can of peas and pour the peas around the hole.
Step 3  when the polar bears goes to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrlsq/how_to_catch_a_polar_bear/
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A man dies and and has an odd request in his will.

As part of his last wishes he requests that his wife hire a comedian to do a set during his funeral because he did not want his funeral to be a sad ordeal.
The widow is reluctant but she places an ad and waits for a response. One by one, each comedian that responds quickly turns down the job when they hear it's to be performed at a funeral.
The day before the funeral she has lost all hope in completing this last wish for her husband when the phone rings and it's a comedian who takes the job, no questions asked, he won't even charge her for the performance.
The next day at the funeral a man walks up to the widow and introduces himself as the comedian. She asks him to start his set when she walks out after the eulogy. She performs her part of the ceremony through many tears and leaves the room to collect herself.
As she is sitting in the lobby she hears loud laughter coming from the funeral parlor. It makes her happy to know her husband was right, but all of the sudden the laughter stops.
Thinking the comedian is done she walks back into the funeral parlor only to find all of the guests dead in their seats clutching at their hearts. While the comedian walks down from the pulpit.
Obviously she's in shock and begins screaming and demanding to know what has happened. TELL ME NOW! She yells
The comedian shakes his head in disappointment. "I knew I should have picked a different set for this. That one always kills at funerals."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nriuw/a_man_dies_and_and_has_an_odd_request_in_his_will/
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Two drunks are at a bar having an argument.....

Two drunks are are in a rooftop bar having an argument about politics, sports, trivia and what ever is on tv.  When one drunk looks at the other and says " Did you know that the updraft is so strong between these buildings that if you jump off,  it will blow you right back to the top?"
"Bullshit" says the second drunk guy
"I will prove it "says the first drunk
He goes to the edge and jumps off. He goes almost to the ground and them he comes right back to the roof.
"See,  what did i tell you" the drunk says
The second guy goes to the edge, jumps and splatters all over the sidewalk below.
The first drunk walks back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender looks at him and says,  "Superman, you sure are a mean drunk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrfez/two_drunks_are_at_a_bar_having_an_argument/
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teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, 8, 10...?

steven: even numbers
stephen: ephen numbers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrcdo/teacher_what_are_2_4_6_8_10/
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How do you end a pastafarian prayer?

Ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nrb02/how_do_you_end_a_pastafarian_prayer/
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A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she's a slut. But what's a man who does the same thing?

Gay.
Definitely at least a little gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nr8cp/a_girl_sleeps_with_a_bunch_of_dudes_and_shes_a/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's fully groan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nr49q/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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My wife and I are getting into kinkier sex.

Her safe word is “No.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nqotn/my_wife_and_i_are_getting_into_kinkier_sex/
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New Redneck word: Oedipus

My uncle Ed’s got bladder problems, you‘d be amazed how long it takes Oedipus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nqoqj/new_redneck_word_oedipus/
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You'd think sex on mushrooms would be fun.

But it's sooo much better on a bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nqnne/youd_think_sex_on_mushrooms_would_be_fun/
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Why can’t astrologers find humor in the movements of stars and planets?

The real joke is in the comets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nqm4b/why_cant_astrologers_find_humor_in_the_movements/
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What’s orange and black and comes together in October to really terrify people?

Donald and Kanye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nqjvy/whats_orange_and_black_and_comes_together_in/
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A guy applies for a position as a lumberjack

The interviewer asks him, “So where did you work previously?”
He answers, “The Saharan Forest.”
“Saharan Forest? Don’t you mean the Saharan Desert?”
“Yes, I suppose that’s what they’d call it now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nqju2/a_guy_applies_for_a_position_as_a_lumberjack/
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The kingdom of the ogre.

Once upon a time, an evil ogre ruled over the land of the Trids.  Most of the time he left his subjects alone, and even managed the kingdom quite well, and times were prosperous.  But once a week, he would come down from his hilltop castle and spend an hour *kicking* every Trid he saw.  Doesn’t matter if it was an old man or a young girl, he’d run right up and kick them.  Then he’d laugh his evil laugh, and trot off to find his next victim.  When he had had his fill, he’d saunter back up to the castle with a very self-satisfied look on his face.
The Trids were understandably disturbed and bewildered by this treatment, and one day, after a particularly vicious round of kicking, they held a town meeting to decide what to do. They knew they could never overpower the ogre, so they decided they would try to reason with him. They needed to find the wisest man in the land to put together the best possible arguments, and they agreed the local rabbi was the right choice. They went to him and asked if he could figure out a way to convince the ogre to stop kicking them.
“Tricky,” the rabbi said.
“But can you do it?” the Trids asked.
“Well, I’ll see what I can do,” the rabbi replied.
So the rabbi spent the next week studying every book he could find about ogres, the history of the Trids, and even ways to exercise that would be better than kicking people.  He worked late every night to put together the best collection of argument he could muster, including memorizing loads of evidence and examples to back up every single point.
Finally, just hours before the ogre’s next kicking session, the rabbi was ready.  He marched bravely up to the castle gate and asked for entry.  The ogre was feeling generous that afternoon, so he allowed the rabbi to see him.
The rabbi asked, “I presume you are about to go out and kick my fellow Trids?”
“Yes, and I’m feeling very energetic today!  I’m going to do a *lot* of kicking this evening!” the ogre said excitedly.
“Well, we would respectfully ask you to reconsider,” the rabbi said, and then began his argument.
The ogre listened for several minutes.  At first he seemed to be interested in the rabbi’s points, and even asked a few questions, which the rabbi enthusiastically answered. But as time passed, the ogre seemed increasingly impatient.  Just as the rabbi was in the middle of his best, most passionate final argument, the ogre suddenly raised his hand.  The rabbi stopped mid-sentence.  The ogre stared at him for several seconds.
“Don’t you understand?” asked the ogre.
“Uhh... no?” replied the rabbi.
The ogre rolled his eyes.
“Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nqfug/the_kingdom_of_the_ogre/
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A Rottweiler, a Pitbull, and a Great Dane are in kennels at the vet

The Rott says, "My owner's kid got close to my bowl while I was eating so I bit her face. I'm here to be put down."
The Pit says, "I keep getting nervous and pissing all over the carpet. My owner's sick of it and I'm here to be put down."
The Dane says, "My owner is a beautiful 22 year old college student. One day she got out of the shower and was bending over to dry off. I couldn't help myself so I mounted her and fucked her brains out."
The other dogs shake their heads: "So she's putting you down too."
The Dane looks surprised. "What? No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nqf75/a_rottweiler_a_pitbull_and_a_great_dane_are_in/
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[NSFW] Condoms Are Like Turn Signals

I never use them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nqbey/nsfw_condoms_are_like_turn_signals/
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Betsy makes a home cooked meal for her husband Bob

For their 30th wedding anniversary. She fixes every one of his favorites. Medium-rare steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, a nice salad with homemade cheesecake for dessert.
After dinner Bob leans back feeling great and exclaims to Betsy “That was an amazing meal, honey! Had I known all these years you could cook like that I’d have fired the damn cook years ago and retired in splendor!”
Betsy, feeling a little put out, replies “Well if you could fuck worth a damn, we could have fired the gardener too!
(Sorry if repost. I don’t look too hard to see if the jokes I know are here or not)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nq7fi/betsy_makes_a_home_cooked_meal_for_her_husband_bob/
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If we could make America communist for just a year

We could squash our obesity epidemic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nq72y/if_we_could_make_america_communist_for_just_a_year/
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A guy walks into a bar on a rainy day with three ducks.

The guy goes to the bathroom and the three ducks sit on barstools.  The bartender says “what’s your name?” to the first duck.  The duck says “my name is Chuck and I like to fuck”.  The bartender is surprised but continues the small talk “shitty weather we’re having”.  The duck says “no way, I’m having a great time, I’ve been in and out puddles, in out of puddles all day”.  The bartender then asks the second duck his name “I’m Lew and I like to screw, I’m having a great time, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day”.  The bartender then looks at the third duck and says “let me guess, you’re Rex and you like sex?”  The third duck looks at the bartender and says “fuck you man.  I’m Puddles”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nq61m/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_on_a_rainy_day_with_three/
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Two little boys steal a big bag of oranges from the neighbour

They decide to find a quiet place to split up the lot. One of them suggests the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate two oranges fell out of the bag, but they didn’t bother to stop and pick them up since they had plenty in the bag.
A few minutes later a drunkard walks by the cemetery and hear voices within saying “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...” he immediately sobers up and runs to the closest church to seek out the priest.
“Father please come with me, come witness God and Satan dividing up the bodies in the graveyard”
The priest follows him back to the gate of the cemetery and heard the voices: “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...”
Suddenly, the voices stopped counting, then one of the voices asks the other “What about the two at the gate? Let’s go get them!”
Upon hearing this the priest and the drunkard sprints away screaming “We’re not dead yet!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nq30p/two_little_boys_steal_a_big_bag_of_oranges_from/
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I ordered a book online about premature ejaculation

It came in the mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nq1cl/i_ordered_a_book_online_about_premature/
%
Why would an imitation diamond remind you of St. Patrick's Day?

Because it's a shamrock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9npyuq/why_would_an_imitation_diamond_remind_you_of_st/
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You ever lock your keys in your car at a Planned Parenthood?

Kinda awkward asking them for a coat hanger to unlock your car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9npybu/you_ever_lock_your_keys_in_your_car_at_a_planned/
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Only sexually-active people will get this

STD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9npy02/only_sexuallyactive_people_will_get_this/
%
Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9npy00/last_night_i_rode_my_bike_to_a_bar_here_in_town/
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What do you call a relative of Lil Pump?

A Pump-Kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nprbk/what_do_you_call_a_relative_of_lil_pump/
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What do you call a child from the south?

Wheat, because they're in bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9npp4s/what_do_you_call_a_child_from_the_south/
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.My neighbour said "Are you going to help?"

I said "No, six should be enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nplmm/i_saw_six_men_kicking_and_punching_the/
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How does Lady Gaga like her sushi?

Ra-ra-raw-raw Ra-ra-raw-raw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9np8zu/how_does_lady_gaga_like_her_sushi/
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Squirrels In Church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer
& consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrel's & made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9np7jn/squirrels_in_church/
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What did the bird say when it was facing some competition?

Tou-can play it this game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9np5ee/what_did_the_bird_say_when_it_was_facing_some/
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What’s the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 10 beers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9np2n2/whats_the_difference_between_a_dog_and_a_fox/
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Three blondes were walking in a forest...

They come across some tracks.
The first one said "those are bear tracks."
The second one said "those are deer tracks."
The third one said "those are rabbit tracks."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9np27o/three_blondes_were_walking_in_a_forest/
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How much did the morbidly obese Chinese woman weigh?

Wonton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9np0zi/how_much_did_the_morbidly_obese_chinese_woman/
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A guy talks about his experience at the brothel with his friend

1st guy: "Yo man I just had this amazing time at the brothel. This girl was able to blow me and sing to me at the same time!"
2nd guy: "No way! How'd she do it?"
1st: "No idea. The only condition she had was that I put on a blindfold. I got an idea. I'm gonna invite her to my house tonight and have her do the same thing. You will climb the tree and watch into the window and she how she does it."
Everything went according to plan. The prostitute came over, the friend was in position in the tree, and the deed was done. The next day...
1st: "So man, how did she do it?"
2nd: "Well, she started by taking out her glass eye..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9noy0o/a_guy_talks_about_his_experience_at_the_brothel/
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A gambler walks into an underground casino with $100 in cash.

He immediately heads for the roulette table and slams it all down on red 34.
The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... black 26.
Just like that, he loses all of his money.
He walks over to the Casino Manager and begs him for an alternative method of payment so he can continue betting. The Casino Manager nods and explains that they've become so efficient at hacking off people's limbs, that they can take off his leg without him bleeding out. A leg fetches a pretty penny on the blackmarket, so they'll give him 500 bucks for it.
He agrees, and the Casino Manager calls over security who proceed to knock the gambler out. They hack off his leg, sealing it immediately with a scoldering iron.
The gambler wakes up, less one leg and a terrible headache, but with 500 bucks in his hand. He hops over to the roulette table and slams the 500 down on red 34.
The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... red 7.
The gambler hops back over to the Casino Manager and asks him if they would take his arm for payment.
Slightly bewildered, the Casino Manager agrees and they remove his arm.
The gambler wakes up minus one leg and an arm, but 500 bucks in his remaining hand.
He hops back over to the roulette table and slams the 500 down on red 34.
The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... Black 24.
Hopping back over to the Casino Manager, he insists he takes the other leg!
The gambler wakes up in a heap on the floor... no legs, one arm, and 500 bucks in his hand.
He drags himself along the floor like some mutilated cyborg from a terminator movie and slams the 500 down on red 34.
The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... Black 13.
He pulls himself back along the floor to the Casino Manager and asks them to take his last limb. After some thought, they do, and the guy wakes up with no arms, no legs and 500 bucks stuffed in his mouth.
He rolls over to the roulette table and spits the 500 onto red 34.
The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... red 18.
The mutilated gambler rolls himself back across the floor and bumps into the Casino Manager, but before he could speak a word, the Casino Manager slips $100 in cash between his lips and then another $20 on top.
"Sir, may I suggest something", says the Casino Manager, "quit while you're a head".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9norta/a_gambler_walks_into_an_underground_casino_with/
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Lovely Mother-in-law

One day, a lady decided to know if the husbands of her three daughters liked her.
The next day she went for a walk with the first one and on the edge of a lake she slides, falls and without knowing how to swim, begins to drown.
The guy, without blinking, jumps into the water and rescues her. The next day he finds a Chevrolet Spark at the door with the following message:
>Thank you. Your mother-in-law who loves you.
Next week, she went for a walk with the second one and on the edge of the same lake slides again, falls and begins to drown.
The guy jumps into the water in an instant and rescues her too. Next day he finds a Chevrolet Spark parked outside the house with the following note:
>Thank you. Your mother-in-law who loves you.
Once again, now with the third son-in-law, and again on the same lake, same edge, slides, falls, and begins to drown. The guy, looks at her, laughs and says:
At least! stupid old women, I've been waiting years for this!
And she's gone.
However, next day he also finds a car parked right in front of his lawn, a brand new Mercedes-AMG S65 Coupe, also with an attached message:
>Thank you. Your father-in-law who loves you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9noj2a/lovely_motherinlaw/
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A guy was walking down the street one night...

...when he heard a loud "thump! thump!" behind him. When he turned around he saw a huge coffin following him. "thump! thump!"
Well the guy was obviously surprised, and more than just a bit scared. He starts walking a bit faster. The coffin picked up the pace as well, "Thump! Thump!"
Soon, the guy is running as fast as he can, but the coffin just keeps up, "THUMP! THUMP!"
He turns the corner and runs into his house, locking the door behind him. The coffin bursts through the door, showering splinters around, "CRASH! THUMP! THUMP!"
The guy runs to his bathroom with the coffin right behind him. He jumps inside, grabs for anything he can find, throws some NyQuill at it... and the coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9noh79/a_guy_was_walking_down_the_street_one_night/
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A man dies and goes to hell.

"Don't be scared," said Satan as he led the man around the place.
"We have Music Mondays for you to jam, Tipsy Tuesdays to get drunk, Weed Wednesdays to get high, Thanksgivings Thursdays to eat good ol' delicious stuffed Turkey, Funny Fridays for some comedic relief, as well as Smart Saturdays for all of you to indulge in your intellectual needs."
"Wow that sounds amazing!" The man gasped, yet visibly relieved that hell wasn't what he envisioned it to be.
"Mhmm. Are you gay?"
"No, why?"
"Well, there's a Sodomy Sunday..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9noeke/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.

But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nocot/its_funny_that_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_a_ton_of/
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My dentist told me to stop eating burgers.

This left me in shock. "Why?" I said.
"Beacuse Im trying to fix your teeth and its in my way"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9no98r/my_dentist_told_me_to_stop_eating_burgers/
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Kanye West inspires Donald Trump to become a rapper.

The name of his first album?
"*Orange Is The New Black"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9no7bv/kanye_west_inspires_donald_trump_to_become_a/
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When do you know you bought the wrong ketchup?

In heinzsight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9no4tj/when_do_you_know_you_bought_the_wrong_ketchup/
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My grandad didn’t report his symptoms

He didn’t report his symptoms of motor neurone disease for 5 months... he didn’t have the nerve to say anything...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9no2wy/my_grandad_didnt_report_his_symptoms/
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The keyboard player in our band committed suicide...

...after his Hammond c70, Moog 361 and Casio with a built in valve and leslie keyboards all broke down at once.
The coroner said he died of multiple organ failure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9no02s/the_keyboard_player_in_our_band_committed_suicide/
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My lesbian neighbor gave me a watch for my birthday.

They misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nnx5y/my_lesbian_neighbor_gave_me_a_watch_for_my/
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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey...

He sits at the bar and orders a beverage. It’s midday and the bar is empty so the bartender tells the man that he can let the monkey off his leash. The man obliges, and the monkey goes straight to the pool table. He’s rolling the cue ball around when he suddenly picks it up, sniffs it, then swallows the ball.
The bartender says “I make 500$ a week off that table. What the fuck?”
The man says “I’m sorry, here’s a check for 500$, I’ll be back in a week with your ball.”
The following week, the man shows up again with a paper bag and his monkey. He sets the bag on the table and declares “Here’s your ball, I’m truly sorry for the inconvenience.”
The bartender says, “ I already bought a new ball, so I’m grateful you returned the ball, but let me get you a drink on the house. Can I get anything for the monkey as well?”
The man responds “Sure, I’ll have a beer, and the monkey would be delighted to have some grapes if you’ve got them.”
The bartender serves the beer and places a bowl of grapes on the bar.
The monkey climbs onto the bar, picks up a grape, sniffs it, sticks it in his ass, pulls it back out and eats it. Then repeats the process.
The bartender points at the monkey and says “what the fuck is this?”
The man says “Oh, after last week, he has to size everything up before he eats it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nnx0r/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_monkey/
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100 lawyers are in a bus stuck on a bed of quicksand

... Let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nnmr5/100_lawyers_are_in_a_bus_stuck_on_a_bed_of/
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People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I'd never be any good at poetry.

But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nnm2o/people_always_told_me_my_dyslexia_would_hold_me/
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What is almost the coolest root vegetable of them all?

Radish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nnlsj/what_is_almost_the_coolest_root_vegetable_of_them/
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What would you call Hercules if he was a scientist?

Molecules

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nnktc/what_would_you_call_hercules_if_he_was_a_scientist/
%
Did you hear about the guy who jumped off Big Ben?

His time was up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nnhiv/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_jumped_off_big_ben/
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they’d still be on the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nnbro/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_off_of_the_boat/
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Why haven’t researchers cured sex addiction yet?

Their studies are fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nnbev/why_havent_researchers_cured_sex_addiction_yet/
%
I’m not a fan of pro wrestling, but I won’t disparage those who are.

For those who do like pro wrestling, “disparage” means to talk badly about something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nna2i/im_not_a_fan_of_pro_wrestling_but_i_wont/
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Lysol's marketing department are trying out some new angles to generate sales. They claim that one bottle can clean an entire family of dolphins!

It's the best multi-porpoise cleaner on the market!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nn97d/lysols_marketing_department_are_trying_out_some/
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Why did America drop crates of combs for Germany during WW2?

To get rid of the knotsies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nn8bm/why_did_america_drop_crates_of_combs_for_germany/
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Marriage Question

So if a person from Holland and a person from the Philippines got married, would their babies be called Hollapiños?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nn0ro/marriage_question/
%
My girlfriend's new thigh tattoo

My girlfriend got a new tattoo on her inner thigh. It is a seashell.
When I put my ear to it, I can smell the ocean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nn0hu/my_girlfriends_new_thigh_tattoo/
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Two old men are having an argument over which one of them has lived their life to it's fullest

The first man, old, wrinkled and his scalp topped with few white strains of hair, proclaims:
>"I have only been able to achieve my proud age of 98 through a steadily upheld 6 hour workout routine on a daily basis. I may have lost some time, but it was completely worth it."
The second man, even more wrinkled and without even one strain of hair, laughs out loud and replies with a slight chuckle:
>"What a fool you have been, wasting all that time. I have reached my monumental age of 102 through abstinence and a strict diet of soy beans and water. I may have missed out on feasting but it was certainly worthwhile."
Suddenly a third man appears. He is wrinkled to the point of having his eyes hidden under thick flaps of skin. Leaning on his big walking stick he unleashes a neighing, hardly recognizable as a laugh and begins to speak in a slow, grainy voice:
>"You both have wasted your life! I have for my whole life taken every kind of drug there is. I have slept with uncountable amounts of women. I have smoked three packs of cigarettes on every day of my life. I drank as much beer as I could. Yet, I still live after all these years and that with all the pleasure I could accumulate. You both have wasted your time."
The other two men are visibly astounded and quickly ask in Unison:
>"For how long have you lived? It is obvious that you must be older than the both of us."
The third man smiles and answers:
>"For 26 Years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nmyvi/two_old_men_are_having_an_argument_over_which_one/
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Three gay men are in an Internet chat-room bragging about the size of their

dicks.
White guy: "My dick is so big I have to drop my trousers to take it out"
Black guy: "That's nothing, my dick is so big I can turn my monitor on and off with it while I'm sat in my chair"
Indian guy: "Well my dick is so big that if I laid it out on my keyboard it would stretch all the way from A-Z."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nmrxz/three_gay_men_are_in_an_internet_chatroom/
%
I've never really gotten into black magic...

But I have abracadabbled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nmr4j/ive_never_really_gotten_into_black_magic/
%
What is an 'entury'?

Long time no c.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nmqhw/what_is_an_entury/
%
So a couple need to borrow some money to pay rent.

They decide to ask a friend who they knew had money for a loan that they could pay back in monthly payments. Well the person they asked was a lonely older man who wasn’t very attractive, so when they asked his response was this, “ I tell you what, I’ll give you the money with no need to pay me back, if you let me have sex with your girlfriend.” They were taken back by the offer and disgusted...but they were also desperate. Before they could say no, the man says “ how about this, after I start I’ll drop your money on the ground and by the time it hits the floor I’ll be finished. They considered the offer and hesitantly accepted.
The next day, the boyfriend pulls up to the mans house to drop his girlfriend off. She says “ stay parked here, I should be right back out.” And she heads inside. Almost a full hour goes by before she comes out and gets back in the car..”what the hell took so long??” The boyfriend asked.
“The motherfucker paid me in quarters”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nml3z/so_a_couple_need_to_borrow_some_money_to_pay_rent/
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A step to far

Bill Clintons and George Bush go out for lunch when the waitress comes over to take the order she's a bit flustered and has to say that she was a big fan of George when he was in his chair as president and she voted for him and she supported him the whole way she said I'll be right back to take your orders a few minutes later she comes back and Bill Clinton says I think I'll have the beef wellington thank you and George says I think I'll have a quickie she stands back bit flabbergasted and appalled saying that she was heavily offended that she would be takled too like that after saying how she admired him and says I'm sorry I can't serve you and storms off. George then also looking flabbergasted had  bill leans in saying I think it's pronounced quiche.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nmk20/a_step_to_far/
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A man walks into a bar with a gun

He then says:
-Ok I wanna know who's been fucking with my wife, 'cause I'm gonna kill him!
A voice in the back immediately shouts:
-You don't have enough bullets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nmiom/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_gun/
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I used to be addicted to the Hookiepokie.

But then I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nmgsp/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hookiepokie/
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I asked my wife to dress up as a bounty hunter from Star Wars

I have a Boba fettish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nmf97/i_asked_my_wife_to_dress_up_as_a_bounty_hunter/
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I wanted to write a skincare joke, but it just kept getting longer and longer, with more and more steps...

So I thought I'd just keep it pimple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nmcux/i_wanted_to_write_a_skincare_joke_but_it_just/
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A midevil couple gets married (mildly nsfw)

On their wedding night, the bride says to the groom, "I offer you my honor".
The groom replies, "I'm honored by your offer"
It went on like that all night: honor and offer, honor and offer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlzqn/a_midevil_couple_gets_married_mildly_nsfw/
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A man walks into a bar and is given an apple

A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and coke, the barman looks at him and slaps an apple onto the bar. The man is perplexed and asks why there is an apple, the barman tells the man to take a bite out of the apple. The man bites into the apple and is amazed that it tastes just like rum ! The barman tells the man to turn it around, the man complied and takes another bite and is even more amazed to know it tastes like coke !
As this is happening another man walks into the bar and asks for a gin and tonic, the barman does the same and slaps another apple onto the counter, the man confused stares at the apple for a while. The man next to him realised and encouraged him to take a bite ! The second man does so and is amazed to taste gin ! The barman again tells the second man to turn it around and the second man cannot believe his mind when he tastes the tonic !
A third man walks in and stares at a menu for a while. The first man says to him no matter what you order he will have it in an apple ! The third man decides to try and test the barman and asks for a pussy flavoured one. The barman throws him an apple and the man takes a bite, the man immediately spits the apple out and exclaims “This tastes like ass!” The barman then  says “turn it around”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlznj/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_is_given_an_apple/
%
I asked my epileptic friend, “What do you want for your birthday?”

He said, “I hope it’s nothing too flashy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlycr/i_asked_my_epileptic_friend_what_do_you_want_for/
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An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman walk into a bar.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar, or a pub if you prefer.  They all order a pint of Guinness. Three flies come along and they all manage to land in the beer of the three patrons. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust and orders another one. The Scotsman takes the fly out and drinks his beer. The Irishman takes the fly out of his glass, holds it over the beer and starts shaking him up and down finally yelling "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nly3f/an_englishman_scotsman_and_irishman_walk_into_a/
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Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlxpj/why_are_there_no_pharmacies_in_africa/
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Yoga Joka

A yoga instructor decided to let their class leave early. One straggler was left behind. The instructor asked, "Aren't you going to leave?" To which the student replied, "Namaste".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlx5n/yoga_joka/
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A woman told me she never poops...

I told her she's full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlvyc/a_woman_told_me_she_never_poops/
%
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole. I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new boat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlvnp/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole_i/
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A new officer is being shown around his office when a younger soldier comes in.

Wanting to show off he picks up the phone and says”of course sir I will take it to the president at once”
The soldier is seemingly impressed so the officer continues.
“ wait the president wants to congratulate me, it is true I did save those soldiers back in war”
He continues this for a while and puts the phone back down, looking towards the soldier he says ”sorry about that now who are you?”
The soldier replied “I’m the engineer, I’m here to hook up your phone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nltj1/a_new_officer_is_being_shown_around_his_office/
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What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decalfinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nltgg/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_just_gave_birth/
%
What kind of jeans do the Mario Bros wear?

Denim, denim, denim.  Denim, denim, denim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlnsy/what_kind_of_jeans_do_the_mario_bros_wear/
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As an entomologist, people are always asking me about the history of words...

It really bugs me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlnnm/as_an_entomologist_people_are_always_asking_me/
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6:30 is the best time on a clock.

Hands down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlnnb/630_is_the_best_time_on_a_clock/
%
99% of people say: "Fuck capitalism"

Capitalism says: "Fuck 99% of people"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nllha/99_of_people_say_fuck_capitalism/
%
So, this guy with Alzheimer’s tells a joke.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlhq7/so_this_guy_with_alzheimers_tells_a_joke/
%
How can you tell siamese twins apart?

You can't just talk, it takes surgery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlhgs/how_can_you_tell_siamese_twins_apart/
%
With Halloween approaching, I tried uploading some exorcist videos to YouTube.

They all got demonetized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlegh/with_halloween_approaching_i_tried_uploading_some/
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My wife stood by the window looking at the wind.

"Blowy outside!" she said.
I said, "Certainly, but I'd prefer one upstairs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nld5x/my_wife_stood_by_the_window_looking_at_the_wind/
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A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer!
The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlcua/a_man_walks_up_to_a_woman_in_his_office_each_day/
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I used to be a kleptomaniac...

But I'm better now. I took something for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nlaqj/i_used_to_be_a_kleptomaniac/
%
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?

He was being mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nl142/1234_and_5_are_sitting_in_class_why_did_3_get/
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Two windmills

are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nkzt7/two_windmills/
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Yesterday, two young men wearing name badges knocked upon my door. Naturally, I told them to come in, sit upon the sofa and make themselves comfortable.

But when I proceeded to lie down across them, I discovered that they had not succeeded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nkz26/yesterday_two_young_men_wearing_name_badges/
%
Why did the frog have to catch the bus?

Because his car got toad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nksen/why_did_the_frog_have_to_catch_the_bus/
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If squirrels could tell jokes, they'd be quick and to the point

Because they'd be in a nut shell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nkrxo/if_squirrels_could_tell_jokes_theyd_be_quick_and/
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Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'".
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'".
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'".
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'".
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well...."?
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D - 24 - 36
When she walks into a room people say,
"Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nkrb1/four_catholic_men_and_a_catholic_woman_were/
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A husband and wife are in a terrible car crash

The wife walks away with some minor cuts and bruises, but the husband is in critical condition and is rushed into surgery.
After 5 or 6 hours in the waiting room, the wife sees the doctor approaching in blood-stained scrubs.
"I've got good news and bad news," he says. "Which would you like first?"
The wife replies, "Give me the bad news first."
"Well, he'll survive, but he'll never be the same again. He suffered a traumatic brain injury, and is now incapable of caring for himself. The road ahead will require a lot from you — you'll have to bathe him, clean him, help him in the bathroom, make sure he gets his medications... It will be a lifelong commitment that can break even the most strong-willed partners."
By this point the wife is sobbing, and asks through her tears, "What on earth is the good news?"
The doctor replies, "The good news? I was just fucking with you. He died about an hour ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nkq0y/a_husband_and_wife_are_in_a_terrible_car_crash/
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A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him
“Name?”
“Hans Mueller.”
“Place of residence?”
“Munich.”
“Occupation?”
“No, just vacation this time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nkpgr/a_german_is_trying_to_to_make_his_way_to_paris/
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A lot of people will prefer luxury toilet paper over cheaper brands;

But on the whole they're no different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nkovu/a_lot_of_people_will_prefer_luxury_toilet_paper/
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Where do you get a degree in professional card games?

The Unoversity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nkmqf/where_do_you_get_a_degree_in_professional_card/
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Why didn’t any Muslims watch Footloose ?

Because they can’t consume anything with Bacon in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nkjhr/why_didnt_any_muslims_watch_footloose/
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I downloaded a swearing dictionary from the Pirate Bay and

Received a torrent of abuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nkg9c/i_downloaded_a_swearing_dictionary_from_the/
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I made love to a woman against her will last night.

I have a fetish for legal documents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nkelp/i_made_love_to_a_woman_against_her_will_last_night/
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I went to the doctor's office today...

He asked me to remove my pants, and so I did.
I asked him where I should put them.
He said "Over there on the floor next to mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nkede/i_went_to_the_doctors_office_today/
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Did you hear the joke about the deaf monk?

Don’t worry, he didn’t either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nkczm/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_deaf_monk/
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An old man sees two burglars break into his garrage

He quickly calls the police and says:
"Please send a police car, there are two burglars in my garage!"
"I'm sorry sir. We don't have any available units. Please lock your doors and remain inside."
The man just says 'Okay' in a calm voice and hangs up. He waits one minute and then call the police again:
"Hello. I just called regarding two burglars in my garage 1 minute ago. Don't worry about them anymore. I just killed them both."
He hangs up and sit down in his couch. 5 minutes later there is an ambulance and 2 police cars in his driveway.
From his window he sees the police force enter the garage, and shortly after drag the two burglars out of there.
One of the police officers then knocks on his door, and as the old man opens, the police offer says:
"Excuse me sir, but didn't you say that you had killed two burglars in your garage?!"
To which the old man responds in a grumpy voice:
"Yes. Yes I did. And didn't you say that you didn't have any available units!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nk7oa/an_old_man_sees_two_burglars_break_into_his/
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What did the Buddha tell the hotdog vender.

Make me one, with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nk7kx/what_did_the_buddha_tell_the_hotdog_vender/
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Jokes in the "Day XXX withouth sex: joke" format

Can I get some contributions to this format that is so dear to my heart? :(
My two personal favorites:
Day 37 without sex: my dentist told me to spit . . . I swallowed.
Day 150 without sex: I slammed the brakes so the seatbelt would choke me a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nk73z/jokes_in_the_day_xxx_withouth_sex_joke_format/
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TIL that the writer Stephen King has a son named Joe...

I’m not joking, but he is...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9njz7n/til_that_the_writer_stephen_king_has_a_son_named/
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Where did Ozzy's Crazy Train get its power?

*Loco*motion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9njyeu/where_did_ozzys_crazy_train_get_its_power/
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Did y'all hear about that cop that got caught smoking weed and masturbating in his patrol car?

Apparently he was a high wanking officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9njvga/did_yall_hear_about_that_cop_that_got_caught/
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Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel.  The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.  These guys are too drunk to notice.
After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move.  Upon this, the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!
1st drunk: Why would you say that???
2nd drunk: Well i gave her a little love bite on her bum.....She farted in my face and flew out of the window!
I can't correct the typos. My apologies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9njvdt/two_drunk_men_walked_in_to_a_brothels_m_nsfw/
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I was walking my two dogs in the park yesterday

A man approached me and asked “are they jack russels?”
I said “nah they’re mine”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9njvc7/i_was_walking_my_two_dogs_in_the_park_yesterday/
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Three men died and ended up in Hell...

They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity... as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way.
The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog. The fallen angel appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist.
The second man lasted a week before he stepping on a frog as well. The fallen angel appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist.
The third man went years without ever stepping on a frog. Out of the blue, the fallen angel appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?"
The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9njry3/three_men_died_and_ended_up_in_hell/
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I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.

She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9njpj7/i_asked_my_daughter_if_shed_seen_my_newspaper/
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My friend jokingly said if a clown had to have sex with any shape, which one- I immediately said circle because

Of how they like to fuck around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9njiky/my_friend_jokingly_said_if_a_clown_had_to_have/
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What do you call a fish that knows mysql?

A data bass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9njg84/what_do_you_call_a_fish_that_knows_mysql/
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If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.

I'd hate to toot my own horn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9njfs3/if_i_were_a_trumpet_player_i_would_constantly/
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I'm not sure what confused the mailman more...

the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9njfjy/im_not_sure_what_confused_the_mailman_more/
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What did the necklace say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I’ll hang around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9njedv/what_did_the_necklace_say_to_the_hat/
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Brother: Stop eating all the carrots.

Me: I like Carrots
Brother: I like pussy but I don't eat it all the time
Me: You can't like something you've never tried

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9njdlr/brother_stop_eating_all_the_carrots/
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Ah if it isn't catdog's evil twin

Pussybitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9njc4p/ah_if_it_isnt_catdogs_evil_twin/
%
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"Oh f*ck off you c*nt," he snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nj77w/some_bloke_walked_up_to_the_counter_and_said/
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What would Donald Trump be called if he was a Sith Lord?

Taxi Vader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nj6jp/what_would_donald_trump_be_called_if_he_was_a/
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The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nj6be/the_american_school_system_is_very_disorganised/
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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nj4xn/my_girlfriend_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the/
%
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss, that's just my paycheck in my
pocket."
"Oh, really?" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth
raise you've had in the last half hour!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nj4jb/the_subway_car_was_packed_it_was_rush_hour_and/
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My wife told me that I had to stop acting like a flamingo

So I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nj4c0/my_wife_told_me_that_i_had_to_stop_acting_like_a/
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What do fish do when they feel horny?

They watch prawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9niyx9/what_do_fish_do_when_they_feel_horny/
%
Three blondes were walking in a forest...

They come across some tracks.
The first one said "those are bear tracks."
The second one said "those are deer tracks."
The third one said "those are rabbit tracks."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nin3n/three_blondes_were_walking_in_a_forest/
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Two of my British friends accidentally used the same Q-Tips

Now they're cotton buds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nikpp/two_of_my_british_friends_accidentally_used_the/
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Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?

I don't know, they just ransomware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nijzz/hey_officer_how_did_the_hackers_escape/
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I'm so good at karaoke.

I was blaring out my song the other night, and everyone left the pub to tell their friends about how good I was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9niiad/im_so_good_at_karaoke/
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A woman asks a guy about his job

Woman: What is your job?
Man: I’m working with animals
Woman: Oh that’s so sweet !!! Are you a vet?
Man: Nah, i’m a butcher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nieg6/a_woman_asks_a_guy_about_his_job/
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Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint when his phone rings....

He jumps up, shouting, "Nuts! I forgot to feed the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nia2t/pavlov_is_sitting_at_a_pub_enjoying_a_pint_when/
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Men with erectile dysfunction have decided to unionize

They haven't gotten a raise in years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ni9zo/men_with_erectile_dysfunction_have_decided_to/
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How do you fix a broken Jack-o-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ni7if/how_do_you_fix_a_broken_jackolantern/
%
A boy asked his father...

..."Dad, what's the difference between 'virtually' and 'actually'?"
The father, trying to make it easy to understand for his son said: "Hmm okay, go ask your brother and your sisters if they would have sex with a man for a billion dollars and then get back here".
So, they boy went to the living room to ask the question to his siblings.
"Sis, would you sleep with a man for a billion dollars?"
"Hell yes" answered her sister.
"And you?" asked to his other sister.
"Of course" she answered.
"What about you?" said to his brother.
"Umm, I guess I'll do, it's a billion dollars after all!" he said.
The boy, a little confused, went back to his father and told him the answers of his siblings.
The father, perplexed, finally said.
"Well, son, as you can see, 'virtually' we have 3 billion dollars in our house,
But 'actually' we just have a pair of whores and and a fucking faggot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ni4h7/a_boy_asked_his_father/
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Witches and wizards don't fart.

They cast smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ni3rk/witches_and_wizards_dont_fart/
%
Will glass coffins become popular?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nht3x/will_glass_coffins_become_popular/
%
How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer?

The joystick is wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nhsl1/how_can_you_tell_when_a_blonde_has_been_using/
%
Why did the virgin run across the road?

She was being chaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nhqty/why_did_the_virgin_run_across_the_road/
%
If you are a cannibal, just do not arrive late at the dinner table

or you will get the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nhn53/if_you_are_a_cannibal_just_do_not_arrive_late_at/
%
The "pussy grab" comments are how we know that Trump is a true Soviet...

... he seized the means of reproduction!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nhn0r/the_pussy_grab_comments_are_how_we_know_that/
%
My girlfriend told me she wanted to have safe sex

Now I just have to figure out the right combination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nhgnu/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_wanted_to_have_safe_sex/
%
My wife promised me a blowjob, but only ended up giving me a handjob.

It was a master bate and switch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nhfuc/my_wife_promised_me_a_blowjob_but_only_ended_up/
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Jokes are like cadavers...

They're all fun and games until you dissect one.
It's funny because the word dissect is used as both "dissecting a joke" and also as "dissecting a cadaver."
Also, both cadavers and dissected jokes are often dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nhf01/jokes_are_like_cadavers/
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Why should you never have sex with a female vegetarian

She might give you her peas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nhcvk/why_should_you_never_have_sex_with_a_female/
%
I've named my puppies Timex and Rolex.

They're watch dogs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nhcuz/ive_named_my_puppies_timex_and_rolex/
%
Why do frogs live such short lives?

Because they keep croaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nhcua/why_do_frogs_live_such_short_lives/
%
What do rednecks do for Halloween?

They pump kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nhb69/what_do_rednecks_do_for_halloween/
%
Ready for a meal

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."
"Certainly, sir" I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"F*ck off you c*nt," He snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in a prison canteen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nh8dn/ready_for_a_meal/
%
Is it true that the French Government banned the Xbox 360 and PS3 back in the day?

Wii

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nh634/is_it_true_that_the_french_government_banned_the/
%
I cry every time after sex.

I haven't cried in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nh549/i_cry_every_time_after_sex/
%
There are 10 types of people;

-Those who get binary jokes
-Those who don’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nh3yt/there_are_10_types_of_people/
%
Why does ISIS like instant coffee?

Because they hate the French Press.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nh1v3/why_does_isis_like_instant_coffee/
%
Two pilots are taking off when a bird nearly hits the windshield.

The captain says "Looks like a close encounter of the bird kind."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nh0ar/two_pilots_are_taking_off_when_a_bird_nearly_hits/
%
What do you call a deaf Gynaecologist?

A lip reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nh08j/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynaecologist/
%
What did the suicidal porcupine do?

It quilled itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ngv08/what_did_the_suicidal_porcupine_do/
%
What do you call an Indian Fedex worker?

A curry-er.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ngt3i/what_do_you_call_an_indian_fedex_worker/
%
Did you guys hear about the guy that got caught stealing pogs?

He got thrown in the slammer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ngq5v/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_guy_that_got_caught/
%
What do we want?!! - Race car noises!!

When do we want em?!!
Neeoooooww!!!....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ngp4q/what_do_we_want_race_car_noises/
%
Something you all may not know about dry erase boards.

They're so remarkable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ngnxz/something_you_all_may_not_know_about_dry_erase/
%
There's no easy way to say this, but...

you have a rare medical condition know as Irish Wristwatch Syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ngnqw/theres_no_easy_way_to_say_this_but/
%
How do you get an apple pregnant?

You cum in cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ngioh/how_do_you_get_an_apple_pregnant/
%
What did the Frequently Asked Question say when it stubbed it's toe?

"FAQ!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nggu7/what_did_the_frequently_asked_question_say_when/
%
How do you organise a space party?

You planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ngg00/how_do_you_organise_a_space_party/
%
Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.

He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ngbi6/despite_the_massive_age_difference_my_dad_was/
%
My cousin thinks reddit is unoriginal garbage

He runs an Instagram meme page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ng9s4/my_cousin_thinks_reddit_is_unoriginal_garbage/
%
Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex

Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ng8mu/condoms_do_not_guarantee_safe_sex/
%
An Indian walks into a bar

with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo shit in the other.  He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up".  He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.  He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo shit in the other.  He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".  The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the hell was that all about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ng3ov/an_indian_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a group of singing knight trainees?

A schoir

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ng34j/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_singing_knight/
%
Why is the vacuum cleaner suicidal?

Because his life sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ng287/why_is_the_vacuum_cleaner_suicidal/
%
I just found out that 23% of women are taking psyche medications.. I can't believe it...

That means 77% are walking around untreated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ng0xg/i_just_found_out_that_23_of_women_are_taking/
%
Children are like farts

You can only tolerate your own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nfvmr/children_are_like_farts/
%
A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.
"No. My husband wouldn't approve."
"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"
"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."
So  the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do  whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a  little distraught:
"Was my best friend here today?"
"Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern.
"And did he leave $1000?"
"Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst.
"Oh  good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he  could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nfssq/a_man_approaches_his_best_friends_wife_one_day/
%
What do you call an English one night stand?

Banger and Dash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nfspk/what_do_you_call_an_english_one_night_stand/
%
Trouble with the car

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?”
Wife: “In the swimming pool.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nfs7c/trouble_with_the_car/
%
A husband and his wife walking in the park

and noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied the husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nfs1h/a_husband_and_his_wife_walking_in_the_park/
%
Why did God ask Abraham to sacrifice his son at age 12?

If he waited a few more years it wouldn't be a sacrifice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nfr37/why_did_god_ask_abraham_to_sacrifice_his_son_at/
%
What was David Beckham told after he was granted an honourific title by the Queen?

Man, you knighted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nfr1c/what_was_david_beckham_told_after_he_was_granted/
%
Three logicians walk into a bar...

Three logicians walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Does everyone want beer?"
The first logician says, "I don't know."
The second logician says, "I don't know."
The third logician says, "Yes!"
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nfkdw/three_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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I’ve been thinking about becoming a witch for hire...

But idk if my boyfriend would be comfortable with me being a hex worker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nfgci/ive_been_thinking_about_becoming_a_witch_for_hire/
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I know this will make me sound butthurt, but...

I hate gay jokes. They suck. They're too hard for me to get, and they're a pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nffso/i_know_this_will_make_me_sound_butthurt_but/
%
Whats the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?

Acne doesn’t come on a boys face until after he's thirteen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nfdj8/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems The Doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" The biker replies..

...Yes Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nfc0p/a_biker_goes_to_the_doctor_with_hearing_problems/
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My friend invited me over to check out his new apartment. When I arrived he said "please make yourself at home".

So I threw him out. I hate guests.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nfbxm/my_friend_invited_me_over_to_check_out_his_new/
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BREAKING NEWS: Young man crashed into the back of a semi and died on the way to see a movie his friends recommended to him.

He didn’t see the trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nfav6/breaking_news_young_man_crashed_into_the_back_of/
%
Why did Hitler kill himself?

He got the gas bill...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nfa56/why_did_hitler_kill_himself/
%
What was the only thing a mathematician brought to the sleepover?

His 1 z.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nf7te/what_was_the_only_thing_a_mathematician_brought/
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A guy eating at a diner asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Unfortunately, the man next to you ordered the last bowl".
The guy looks over and sees that the other man has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you gonna eat that chili?"
The man says, "No. Help yourself".
The guy gladly takes the bowl and begins to eat. However, when he gets halfway down, his spoon hits something. He looks down and sees a dead rat and instantly pukes all the chili back in the bowl.
The other man says, "Yeah, thats about as far as I got, too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nf6t5/a_guy_eating_at_a_diner_asks_for_a_bowl_of_hot/
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I tried to propose to my girlfriend today...

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend. Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for Joe with his cotton eye, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nf6py/i_tried_to_propose_to_my_girlfriend_today/
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Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy.

Both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nf2pq/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blowjob_from_a_guy/
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That’s the last time I lend my car to an Italian chef

The last guy left it al dente

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nezk5/thats_the_last_time_i_lend_my_car_to_an_italian/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

That’s not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9neqa9/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Hitler went to see a fortune teller and asked her, "On what day will I die?"

The fortuneteller assured him he would die on a Jewish holiday.
"Why are you so sure of that?" demanded Hitler.
"Any day," she replied, "on which you die will be a Jewish holiday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nenfk/hitler_went_to_see_a_fortune_teller_and_asked_her/
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A man broke into my house last night, and he stole my cheese, milk, ice cream, yogurt, and butter.

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nelwu/a_man_broke_into_my_house_last_night_and_he_stole/
%
I squared up with X and Y last year

That fight keeps circling back to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9neluw/i_squared_up_with_x_and_y_last_year/
%
My grandfather was telling me about his new top-of-the-line hearing aid.

"Yeah, it's the most expensive model they had! It cost me almost $6000!"
"What kind is it?"
"About a quarter past 6."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9neluo/my_grandfather_was_telling_me_about_his_new/
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For some people, alcohol is a problem.

For chemists, it’s a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nefwc/for_some_people_alcohol_is_a_problem/
%
Why are some rocks so lazy?

They live a sedimentary lifestyle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nef5n/why_are_some_rocks_so_lazy/
%
What do you call a demonic monkey?

An Imp-anzee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9neci1/what_do_you_call_a_demonic_monkey/
%
I have a drinking problem...

My glass is empty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nec2h/i_have_a_drinking_problem/
%
A woman is pregnant with triplets.

She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.
The woman ends up giving birth to two girls and a boy. 13 years later the first daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened.
A few days later the second daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, my period just started and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened.
A few days later the son approaches her and says, "hey, mom, I was jacking off and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ne8ri/a_woman_is_pregnant_with_triplets/
%
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will Let it go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ne8la/why_cant_you_give_elsa_a_balloon/
%
Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I’ve done.

I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ne4p7/taking_my_motherinlaw_off_her_life_support_was/
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I've been in jail for 5 minutes and i've already been raped 3 times

I hate playing monopoly with uncle Jerry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ne3ja/ive_been_in_jail_for_5_minutes_and_ive_already/
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Why can’t T-Rexs clap their hands?

Because they’re all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ne2x6/why_cant_trexs_clap_their_hands/
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A limbo professional walks into a bar.

He lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ne1z4/a_limbo_professional_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A nurse pulls an anal thermometer out of her shirt pocket and says...

Some asshole has got my pen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ndzgo/a_nurse_pulls_an_anal_thermometer_out_of_her/
%
Why did the mathmatition call his girlfriend the square root of -100?

because she’s clearly a 10, but purely imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nduzl/why_did_the_mathmatition_call_his_girlfriend_the/
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George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are standing in front of god ...

God begins by asking Bush: "George, in what do you believe?"
Bush: "I believe in free trade and the USA as a strong nation".
God, seemingly impressed: "You may sit to my right".
Then God looks at Obama and asks "Barack, in what do you believe?".
Obama: "I believe in democracy, helping the poor and in world peace."
God is impressed: "You may sit to my left".
Then he turns to Trump, and asks: "Donald, in what do you believe?".
Trump: "I believe that you are sitting in my chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ndnq7/george_w_bush_barack_obama_and_donald_trump_are/
%
Why are there no pharmacy stores in Africa?

Because you shouldn't take medicine on an empty stomach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nde7h/why_are_there_no_pharmacy_stores_in_africa/
%
A guy walks into a bar

to meet a new friend he had recently made. After a couple of rounds his friend excuses himself to use the restroom. 30 minutes pass and his buddy still hasn't come back so he goes to check on him, but his friend was nowhere to be found. He decides to head home, but when he goes outside his car is missing. It turns out his new "friend" was a repo man that befriended him and met him at the bar so he could easily tow his car. The man thought to himself "What kind of asshole resorts to repo-sting?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nda98/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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This woman turned me down because she only dates dudes with a high fiber diet

I guess my shit isn't together enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nd2uz/this_woman_turned_me_down_because_she_only_dates/
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A fireman kicks down the door of a house and carries the family out 1 by 1, but there is no fire. A week later the building catches ablaze.

He suffers from premature evacuation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nd2g2/a_fireman_kicks_down_the_door_of_a_house_and/
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I truly believe that Allah is the one true God.

I mean the universe started out with an explosion didnt it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nd0dy/i_truly_believe_that_allah_is_the_one_true_god/
%
String theory might be the answer to everything...

...but then again, it might knot.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nczrc/string_theory_might_be_the_answer_to_everything/
%
I have a conspiracy theory...

The government is spreading false rumors that aluminum-foil hats protect your brain from being scanned. aluminum foil is actually an antenna that allows them to get a better signal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nczd2/i_have_a_conspiracy_theory/
%
Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ncyfe/recent_studies_show_that_electric_vehicles_made/
%
Why do people toast before drinking?

Because it lifts their spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ncxwt/why_do_people_toast_before_drinking/
%
Last night I took a sleeping pill and a laxative before bed..

I slept like a baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ncxfq/last_night_i_took_a_sleeping_pill_and_a_laxative/
%
11:59pm - Sit down to take a dump

12:01am - Same shit, different day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ncwet/1159pm_sit_down_to_take_a_dump/
%
I was banging this lady.....

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table the other day, when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”  Thinking back, I really should have run – but you don’t get offers like that every day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ncvuu/i_was_banging_this_lady/
%
My last girlfriend left me because of my obsession with touching pasta.

Feeling cannelloni right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ncvtt/my_last_girlfriend_left_me_because_of_my/
%
I’ve been writing a fantasy world.

At first I thought it’d have two nature deities: a tree-person for the land and a mermaid-like being for the ocean.
But then I thought that combining the two would be more “a fish-ent”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ncpyr/ive_been_writing_a_fantasy_world/
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Parents : we want another kid

Kid: yea, I’d love a sibling.
Parents: that’s not what we meant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nclcj/parents_we_want_another_kid/
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I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot last night

I screamed “Fuck seriously? I was gonna eat that later. Now it’ll just taste like carrots”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ncity/i_caught_my_sister_masturbating_with_a_carrot/
%
I once went to a country where the president was a bottle of aftershave

It was under cologne-ial rule...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nch4h/i_once_went_to_a_country_where_the_president_was/
%
I saw a chameleon today...

Needless to say, it was a shitty chameleon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nca2a/i_saw_a_chameleon_today/
%
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie The Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nc9h6/a_group_of_kindergartners_were_trying_to_become/
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The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.
Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initiation was quite possibly the most dangerous stunt you could pull; however, if you passed, you got a really sharp looking leather jacket with a clam patch on the back. Everyone wanted to be in the Cool Clam Club.
Three clams decided they would try their shell at joining the Cool Clam Club. Their names were Justin, Travis, and Griffin. They all knew the initiation was difficult, but they've been watching from the sidelines for far too long. What is this tough initiation you may ask?
Every day at around sunfall the tide would rise. The rising tide would cause the old wooden dock to rise up for a few moments, then come crashing down back into the shore. To join the Cool Clam Club, a clam must take a running start, slide under one of the large wooden legs of the dock, and come out the other side unscathed.
"Simple," thought all three clams. They had seen this initiation many times before, they knew the techniques and the wet and wild stunts.
The Justin clam went first. He observed the rising and falling of the post. He took a deep swig of water. He towards his destiny.
*WOOSH!*
The Cool Clam Club received the Justin clam with open arms. He passed initiation and the leather jacket was his! Surely, he must be the coolest clam in town!
Travis clam, upon seeing his fellow clam claim the jacket, was happy. But he knew that he was next. The dock rose, it fell, it rose...
*WOOSH!*
The Travis clam had made it! He hugged the Justin clam, cheers erupted around him, and the jacket was his.
Griffin looked at the two other clams on the other side of that large wooden post. He was getting nervous. His tiny stomach began to hurt out of nervousness. Alas! If Justin and Travis had made it through, surely he could make it as well!
The Griffin clam backed up to get a head start. He looked at the dock, nervous still. The Cool Clam Club looked on with interest at this. They all clenched the lapels of their cool leather jackets, for they all wanted the littlest clam to join their ranks.
The Griffin clam looked at the dock. The large wooden pillar rose. It fell. It rose...
*SPLAT!*
The post fell upon the Griffin clam and the littlest clam was no more.
Now, my friends, you may be wondering what killed the Griffin clam. The other two clams had made it through without a scratch, so then, why did the Griffin clam fail?
Pier pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nc2sd/the_cool_clam_club/
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NSFW An old woman buys a parrot.

She asks the salesman if it speaks and he assures her it does but he warns her that it was a sailor who was the first owner.
When she gets home and puts the parrot in it’s cage it starts saying all kinds of profanity and obscene words.
She hurries down to the pet shop and tells the shopkeeper, he shows her another parrot but tells her this one only sits and prays all day, and suggests that maybe if she took it home to the first one it would pickup it habits. She agrees and takes it too.
When she gets home and introduce the first parrot to the new one it immediately says, “wanna fuck?” To witch the second answers “Hallelujah my prayers are answered!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nbzu9/nsfw_an_old_woman_buys_a_parrot/
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They’re tearing down a pier near my house, but I don’t think that they should…

... I think they should just let pylons be pylons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nbwba/theyre_tearing_down_a_pier_near_my_house_but_i/
%
I took my pony to the vet today

Because it was a little hoarse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nbr8u/i_took_my_pony_to_the_vet_today/
%
Why are condoms transparent?

Cause the sperms can’t go inside so the least we can afford them is a view.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nbq85/why_are_condoms_transparent/
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The Chinese have developed a new pill that increases the average penis size by 3 inches.

Reports say they will use it to interfere with the upcoming U.S. erections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nbnj5/the_chinese_have_developed_a_new_pill_that/
%
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?

Because there is a new issue with you every fucking day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nbkvr/hey_girl_are_you_a_newspaper/
%
What did the farmer say to his cows at night?

It's pasture bedtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nbix0/what_did_the_farmer_say_to_his_cows_at_night/
%
A local Indian baker told me he thinks, lives, and breathes bread.

I told him that sounds like a bunch of Naan sense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nbd2f/a_local_indian_baker_told_me_he_thinks_lives_and/
%
Downloaded a new app, forced to wear a Santa costume now for the next two months

Turns out I didn't read the Santa clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nbcop/downloaded_a_new_app_forced_to_wear_a_santa/
%
I bought a defective pack of playing cards. It had only three suits and all the cards were jacks.

I'm still trying to get a refund from those heartless bastards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nb6w4/i_bought_a_defective_pack_of_playing_cards_it_had/
%
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9naxtk/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
A wife called her husband and asked how to unfreeze her Windows

Wife: Honey, my Windows are frozen, and I need to get to work.
Husband: Ok, go grab my rubber hammer, or try putting some hot water on them.
Wife: Ok, I'll try that and call you back when I'm done.
5 minutes later
Wife: WTF BILLY!!??! MY COMPUTER IS BROKEN NOW!! THANKS A LOT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9naw8d/a_wife_called_her_husband_and_asked_how_to/
%
The cocaine that I bought is so white..

..That the cops just let it go with a warning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9naw7w/the_cocaine_that_i_bought_is_so_white/
%
What do you call two mean gay guys?

Fucking assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9naqrr/what_do_you_call_two_mean_gay_guys/
%
Why can't your nose be 12"?

Cause then it'd be a foot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9naid3/why_cant_your_nose_be_12/
%
Why don’t Indians get in fights?

They can’t have beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nai2q/why_dont_indians_get_in_fights/
%
I cry every time after sex.

I hate prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nahgy/i_cry_every_time_after_sex/
%
There's this guy trying to interview people for his show.

He goes to this little town next to the hills and ask a guy for an interview, he says yes, and he asks him if he has some good story to tell related to his town, he says "yes, one time the prettiest girl in town got lost in the hills, as usual all men went there to look for  her, when we found her, as usual we all got drunk and made love to her. Then the tv host interrupts him "Hey, this is a show for all the family, you can't say that!..Ok, do you have a weird story?" he says "yes, one time the nighbour's goat got lost in the hills, as usual all men went to find it when we found it as usual we all got drunk and made love to it. Then the tv host interrupts him " I told you! this is a show for all the family, you can't say that!..Ok, let's try something different, do you have a sad story?"..."Yes, one time I got lost in the hills..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9nafns/theres_this_guy_trying_to_interview_people_for/
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Went to my psychiatrist the other day...

...wearing nothing but Seran Wrap. He said, "I can clearly see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9naf8s/went_to_my_psychiatrist_the_other_day/
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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 timers per year....

Looks like I’m in for a wild December

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9naern/statistics_show_that_the_average_person_has_sex/
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What’s the difference between hearing and seeing a joke?

One involves a mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9naegr/whats_the_difference_between_hearing_and_seeing_a/
%
I love October

I fall for it every year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9naa5v/i_love_october/
%
What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell from a tree and hit you?

A billiards table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9na9x4/what_has_four_legs_is_green_and_fuzzy_and_would/
%
What do you call a human that discriminates against robots?

A biologist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9na8jl/what_do_you_call_a_human_that_discriminates/
%
Apparently Abe Lincoln was a Jew

He was shot in the temple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9na3vt/apparently_abe_lincoln_was_a_jew/
%
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

Why, in his little sleevies, of course!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9ytm/where_did_napoleon_keep_his_armies/
%
Two peanuts walked into a bar.

And this is why Monsanto need to be STOPPED.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9y0l/two_peanuts_walked_into_a_bar/
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I just love the feeling you get when someone you dislike is wearing slightly uncomfortable shoes

Ah shoddenfreude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9wwd/i_just_love_the_feeling_you_get_when_someone_you/
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Me: As I've gotten older, I've come to feel that 60 is the new 30.

Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9wlv/me_as_ive_gotten_older_ive_come_to_feel_that_60/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes APPARENT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9vig/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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A police officer pulls over an elderly couple

He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband replies "he wants my license!"
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!"
As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful."
The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9tcs/a_police_officer_pulls_over_an_elderly_couple/
%
A reporter is interviewing a Florida victim of Hurricane Michael.

In the background, a scene of complete devastation; the roof is gone, half of the walls are down, personal possessions scattered around. The person looks shell-shocked, with an unfocused gaze. The hair is wild, clothes disheveled, dirt smudges on the face and arms.
"So what are you going to do now?" asks the reporter. "Are you going to rebuild?"
"No," replies the victim. "I'm gonna move to Georgia."
"Georgia? Why Georgia?"
"That's where the rest of my stuff is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9rvk/a_reporter_is_interviewing_a_florida_victim_of/
%
Today I donated $200 to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness i felt when he put his knife back in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9q4f/today_i_donated_200_to_a_poor_guy/
%
Me: *washing car with son*

Son: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9oqi/me_washing_car_with_son/
%
What do you call a super hairy penis?

A willy mammoth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9oil/what_do_you_call_a_super_hairy_penis/
%
If Russia attacked Turkey?

If Russia attacked Turkey from the Rear...
.... would Greece help?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9k50/if_russia_attacked_turkey/
%
A backpacker walks into a tavern

As he walks in, all eyes turn on him, it's a small isolated tavern way up in the mountains, so they don't see strangers too often.
He orders a beer and starts mingling, and because he's a cool guy he fits in relatively quick.
A few beers after, he spots a table at the back of the room, with marks carved into it up to a quarter of the length on one side.
He asks his drinking buddy:
"What's the deal with that table over there?"
"Well young traveler, this is where we honour the Will of the Mountain."
"Care to explain further?"
"It's quite simple actually, strikes midnight all those that feel worthy pull out their junk, put it on the table and measure which one got the furthest. They then proceed to fuck the one with the smallest pecker up the ass in turns, for such is the Will of the Mountain."
Baffled at this local custom, the backpacker glances at the table, gauging his chances, he lived for new experiences and immersion in other cultures, so when midnight comes he bravely goes to the table first.
He pulls out his johnson, and lays it flat on the table, it reaches up to a third of the length, way past the other marks.
Full of pride he looks at his drinking buddy, which replies amused:
"Well done young traveler, you are inhabited by the Will of the Mountain! But I fear that you are on the wrong side of the table."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9jnk/a_backpacker_walks_into_a_tavern/
%
A cop pulls a guy over..

Goes up to the drivers window, says “license and registration please.”
Guy says “here is my registration, I’m sorry but I don’t have my license on me.”
The officer, in a good mood replies, “that’s okay, what’s your name I can look you up in our system”
“Nick”
“Nick... what?”
“Nick nothing, just nick.”
Cop says “okay I’m trying to be nice, don’t fuck with me. Explain.”
Guy replies “ Well I was born Nicholas Johnson. Everyone always called me Nick Johnson. I went to medical school, became a doctor. So then my name was Nick Johnson M.D. “
“One night in Vegas I was with a hooker, she unfortunately gave me VD. When I got back home they called me Nick Johnson M.D. with VD.  Somehow one of my patients got infected so they took away my medical license so then my friends called me Nick Johnson with VD.
“Then the VD took my Johnson so now I’m just Nick”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9j2e/a_cop_pulls_a_guy_over/
%
If either of my parents got a sex change, I would NEVER see them again...

because they'd be transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9hip/if_either_of_my_parents_got_a_sex_change_i_would/
%
Castration

A man comes into the Dr. office and says he needs to have a procedure done.  The Dr. asks, what procedure, the man replies "Umm, castration, I need to be castrated or my girlfriend won't marry me!"  Puzzled the Dr. asks, "Castrated, do you know what that means?" The man quickly replies, yes I know what it means, just do it.  So the Dr. sets up the procedure and does it.  When the man is coming out of anesthetic, the Dr. says to him, "The procedure was a great success, you should heal nicely.  I also noticed you hadn't been circumcised when you were under so I did that too" to which the many instantly replies, "Circumcised! That's the word!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9dkv/castration/
%
What kind of camp do Jewish kids go to when they can't focus in school?

Summer camp, just like every other kid you sick bastards!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9azh/what_kind_of_camp_do_jewish_kids_go_to_when_they/
%
The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n996y/the_infectious_disease_olympics_has_been/
%
And the Lord said to John,

"Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n98s5/and_the_lord_said_to_john/
%
Say what you want about the Amish...

Really, go ahead. They’re not on here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n97wi/say_what_you_want_about_the_amish/
%
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're
sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me,
either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n951b/on_my_first_day_in_prison_my_cellmate_said_to_me/
%
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n9340/an_architect_an_artist_and_an_engineer_were/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson go camping.

In the middle of the night Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend...
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars"
"What does that tell you Watson?"
"Well astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke...
"Watson, someone has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n8zk0/sherlock_holmes_and_doctor_watson_go_camping/
%
Being a man is like being a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you're hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n8x14/being_a_man_is_like_being_a_bowl_of_soup/
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How to play the “Devils Triangle” drinking game.

Devil’s Triangle is played a lot like quarters.
With  two men and one woman,
Start with three glasses  in a triangle.
Then the two men have sex with the woman at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n8w9q/how_to_play_the_devils_triangle_drinking_game/
%
A man had excruciating headaches

So he decided once and for all to go see a specialist to see what can be done.
After extensive scans and tests the doctor calls him in and gives him the bad news.
"I'm very sorry sir, you have a very rare case in which your nuts press up against the base of your spine which, in turn, is causing you these headaches."
So the man asks what can be done, and the doctor responds regretfully that the only solution he can think of is to cut off his balls.
The man is understandably upset but decides that there is nothing to be done and he can't live with these headaches any longer and so they schedule the surgery.
The day of the surgery arrives, and everything goes smoothly.
In recovery, the doctor sees the man is very depressed his jewels are gone for good and goes up to him to try and cheer him up.
"You know, just outside the hospital there is a very good tailer, why don't you give him a visit and get yourself some new clothes to feel better?"
The guy agrees that this might make him feel a little better and after getting discharged walks into this little tailor shop next to the hospital.
As he walks in he hears, "size 7 hat!"
Looking around he spots a diminutive old man in a tweed vest peering at him.
"What did you say?" asks the man.
"I said size 7 hat, that is your hat size, no?" answered the tailor.
"Well I don't know, I was never really a hat man, how did you know?"
"I have been doing this for 55 years. I can look at someone for a few seconds and tell you all their measurements!"
The man, disbelieving, decides to put this claim to the test. "Oh yeah? What's my shoe size?"
"42," came the prompt response.
"Shirt size?"
"18."
'Incredible,' thinks the man, 'this guy is good!'
"What about my pants size?"
"44," came the answer.
"Aha!" exclaimed the man, "I have worn size 42 pants my whole life!"
"Impossible," scoffed the tailor, "if you should wear size 42 pants, your nuts would press up against the base of your spine and cause you extreme headaches!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n8vkw/a_man_had_excruciating_headaches/
%
A terrible YouTube joke

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Demon."
"Demon who?"
**"DEMONETISATION!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n8ohw/a_terrible_youtube_joke/
%
A gorilla came to my house and rang the bell

*King kong!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n8l3o/a_gorilla_came_to_my_house_and_rang_the_bell/
%
A English man goes for dinner in a Spanish city

As he's sitting browsing the menu, he notices a man across from him recieves his meal, a large seared juicy looking ball of meat. The man asks the Maître d "What is that man eating" the waiter replies "That is the victory special, a rosted and broilled bull testicle from the weekly bull fight, unfortunately that was our last one for today". The man is intrigued. He goes back to the restauraunt the next week, sure enough written on the chalkboard is "Victory Special! 1 remaining" the mans mouth is watering as he is shown to his table, as he sits down he calls the Maître d over "I would like the victory special please!" "Good choice sir" said the waiter as he scurries to the kitchen. Ten minutes later the water comes back..
Sitting on the tray is 2 tiny little balls. "What is this?" Said the man. The Maître d smiled back smuggly "Ahh, sometimes the Bull doesn't lose"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n8jf8/a_english_man_goes_for_dinner_in_a_spanish_city/
%
Atheist and The Priest

An atheist went to a cathedral and asked to talk to a priest. As the priest walked out, the atheist smirked “Father if God is all-powerful, could he create an object that he could not lift?” The old priest smiled, “My child, God had already created such an object.” The atheist puzzled, “May I ask what it is?” The old priest replied, “Your mom.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n8dx9/atheist_and_the_priest/
%
How do you say thank you in mathematics?

Sin(Q)/Cos(Q)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n8dd7/how_do_you_say_thank_you_in_mathematics/
%
Say what you want about paedophiles

Atleast they drive slow in school zones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n8c98/say_what_you_want_about_paedophiles/
%
Two Irish couples decide to swap partners to spice up their sex lives.

Afterwards Paddy says to Mick "That was incredible, I wonder how the girls got on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n8b6o/two_irish_couples_decide_to_swap_partners_to/
%
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.

The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n89fs/90_of_men_kiss_their_wife_goodbye_when_they_leave/
%
If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian

Then soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n88mv/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
%
A friend asked me why some people don't like juice. I tell him it's probably because they're thinking of that cheap, acidic variety that's been destroyed by the concentration process

Apparently this opinion can get you banned from the local kosher supermarket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n834r/a_friend_asked_me_why_some_people_dont_like_juice/
%
What do you call an Egyptian doctor?

A Cairopractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n7yvp/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_doctor/
%
When was the last time the Twitch Streamer got laid?

About a Fortnite ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n7xkh/when_was_the_last_time_the_twitch_streamer_got/
%
"May your thousand generations be childless!" yelled my best friend in anger.

He never did think his curses through...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n7vzh/may_your_thousand_generations_be_childless_yelled/
%
"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"
"Cash"
"Cash who?"
"No thanks, I prefer peanuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n7gnf/knock_knock/
%
When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself...

But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n7f0n/when_i_was_18_i_wanted_to_kill_myself/
%
I once had a turntable fall on my head.

But I'm perfectly fine, perfectly fine, perfectly fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n7bhz/i_once_had_a_turntable_fall_on_my_head/
%
How does Moses make beer?

Hebrews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n7at6/how_does_moses_make_beer/
%
Do you know why most archeologists are females?

Because they love digging up the past

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n76tg/do_you_know_why_most_archeologists_are_females/
%
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??

Well, I for one..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n75e6/who_wants_to_learn_roman_numerals/
%
A Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital,

He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside.
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n74z3/a_doctor_cant_find_a_job_in_a_hospital/
%
A sadist, a rapist, a murderer, an arsonist, a necrophile and a masochist see a cat in the street

The sadist proclaims loudly, "I want to torture that cat."
Not to be easily outdone, the rapist says, "I want to torture that cat and then fuck it."
Following suit, the murderer says "I want to torture the cat, fuck it and then kill it."
The arsonist says, "I wanna torture the cat, fuck it, kill it and then burn it's body."
The necrophile says, "I wanna torture the cat, fuck it, kill it, burn it and fuck it again."
The masochist says, "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n70hb/a_sadist_a_rapist_a_murderer_an_arsonist_a/
%
How did Jesus walk on water?

He just covered his feet with flex tape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n6xx5/how_did_jesus_walk_on_water/
%
What did the urologist say when she suddenly discovered a cure for Urinary Tract Infections?

Urethra!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n6tg9/what_did_the_urologist_say_when_she_suddenly/
%
Why did the amputee have such bad luck robbing banks?

He wasn't armed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n6n3x/why_did_the_amputee_have_such_bad_luck_robbing/
%
A blonde walks into a library...

...marches right up to the desk and proclaims loudly " I would like to order a burger and fries!" The librarian is shocked and states, "Ma'am, this is a library". "Ohh", replies the blond and then whispered " I would like to order a burger and fries".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n6awn/a_blonde_walks_into_a_library/
%
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?

A Pan Duhhhh!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n631h/what_does_a_panda_use_to_cook_his_pancakes/
%
"Diana!" I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door...

She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah, I know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n61w1/diana_i_said_greeting_my_motherinlaw_as_she/
%
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!
Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n5rvz/first_date_her_so_what_do_you_do_him_im_working/
%
What is Shang Tsung’s favorite type of Nordic song?

**FINNISH HYMN**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n5r9h/what_is_shang_tsungs_favorite_type_of_nordic_song/
%
What do you call a pirate without a ship?

A creative homeless man.
-bo burnham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n5oed/what_do_you_call_a_pirate_without_a_ship/
%
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said, “Thanks, but... How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I said, “I’m not worried. - The odds of two serial killers in the same car is astronomical.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n5o0z/picked_up_a_hitchhiker_last_night_he_said_thanks/
%
What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?

A new last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n5khy/whats_long_and_hard_that_a_polish_bride_gets_on/
%
Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three films back to back....

luckily, I was the one facing the telly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n5isf/last_night_me_and_my_girlfriend_watched_three/
%
Rest in peace, garlic.

You will be minced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n5e68/rest_in_peace_garlic/
%
My friend gave this joke 10/10

But he's a mathematician, so he meant 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n5dyg/my_friend_gave_this_joke_1010/
%
My wife asked me why i carry a gun in the house.

I looked at her and said DECEPTICONS. She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster, it was a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n55w4/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_carry_a_gun_in_the_house/
%
My friend asked me how I slept last night.

I told him "I slept like a baby"
He responded "that's great!"
I don't understand why he thinks it's great to wake up 15 times in the middle of the night, crying for my parents, and pooping in my diaper?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n53rt/my_friend_asked_me_how_i_slept_last_night/
%
What do you call someone with an unkempt bush?

Sas-crotch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n53ob/what_do_you_call_someone_with_an_unkempt_bush/
%
Took my dog to the eyecare store to fill a prescription. When we got there they asked why my dog was getting glasses

I said, "Because insurance doesn't cover contacts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n52fn/took_my_dog_to_the_eyecare_store_to_fill_a/
%
I had to put my neighbour's dog down today.

He said thanks, but they don't like being picked up, it's not your dog, and they need to come in now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n51ll/i_had_to_put_my_neighbours_dog_down_today/
%
Jesus and Moses

One day, Jesus and Moses are chilling in heaven, and a stick falls from a tree.
Jesus picks up the stick and thrusts it into Moses' arms. "Hey Moses, how about you try to split that puddle of water over there like you did with the Red Sea?"
Moses takes the stick and heads over to the puddle with Jesus. He taps the stick to the water and nothing happens.
He dries of the stick on his shirt and pauses for a moment. He tries again and nothing happens.
Jesus, disappointed, encourages Moses to try once more. Moses dries off the stick one more and says a prayer. He taps it to the puddle once more and the puddle splits in two and creates a dry spot in the middle.
Moses steps through the puddle, overjoyed, and turns to Jesus. "Hey Jesus, remember when you walked on water right after fed the 5000? How about you try that again in that pond over there?"
Jesus and Moses head to the pond and Jesus says a prayer. He steps into the pond, and sinks into the freezing water. He gets out and tries again. He sinks again, and comes out shivering. Moses says that it's only fair he tries once more, so he dries off and tries again. He sinks, and looks even more frustrated than before.
I don't know man, it's been really hard for me ever since I got these **holes in my feet**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n51g8/jesus_and_moses/
%
Why do we tell actors to break a leg.

Because every play has a cast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n4wli/why_do_we_tell_actors_to_break_a_leg/
%
Have y’all seen that new ice cream themed wrestler?

I love Cold Stone Steve Austin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n4ui4/have_yall_seen_that_new_ice_cream_themed_wrestler/
%
People always take credit for them first.

What’s the worst part about time traveller jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n4tqx/people_always_take_credit_for_them_first/
%
One day Canada will take over the world....

Then you’ll all be sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n4s7n/one_day_canada_will_take_over_the_world/
%
Avoiding click-bait is impossible.

My point exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n4r8d/avoiding_clickbait_is_impossible/
%
Pen and paper is a great way to write things down, but I prefer using white boards

They’re just so remarkable...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n4pvt/pen_and_paper_is_a_great_way_to_write_things_down/
%
I just realized I have no idea what moth balls smell like. Have you ever smelled a moth ball before?

“Yeah, they’re awful!”
How’d you manage to get those tiny legs apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n4p1g/i_just_realized_i_have_no_idea_what_moth_balls/
%
If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God.....

Does that mean Mary have a little lamb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n4n78/if_mary_gave_birth_to_jesus_and_jesus_is_the_lamb/
%
I love my girlfriend but lately there's been this distance between us...

...at least 300 feet at all times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n4mig/i_love_my_girlfriend_but_lately_theres_been_this/
%
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep  for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer  pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brither came in and named them."
The  woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"  Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's  name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks,  "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like  Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n4lx0/a_pregnant_woman_gets_into_a_car_accident_and/
%
How many of my dad's friends does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno, they're always so busy screwing my mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n4jep/how_many_of_my_dads_friends_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
Why is it so easy for girls in the navy to get pregnant?

Because there's so many seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n4iz2/why_is_it_so_easy_for_girls_in_the_navy_to_get/
%
Women are a lot like hurricanes

There's a lot of sucking and blowing, and then your house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n4cl8/women_are_a_lot_like_hurricanes/
%
I got hired to watch over horses today

It’s a stable job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n49h6/i_got_hired_to_watch_over_horses_today/
%
What do you call a Muslim expert on Milk?

A Milk Sheikh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n44j8/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_expert_on_milk/
%
I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa

I'd hate to go out screaming like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n41je/i_want_to_die_in_my_sleep_like_my_grandpa/
%
Last time I flew Malaysia Airlines, I didn't shower first.

I figured I could just wash up on the shore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3x5b/last_time_i_flew_malaysia_airlines_i_didnt_shower/
%
Dark humor is like food,

not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3rff/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
What do you call a really old clothes maker?

Tailor old as time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3p0z/what_do_you_call_a_really_old_clothes_maker/
%
Imagine if they made an amusement park called Sex Flags

It would be a fucking roller-coaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3omf/imagine_if_they_made_an_amusement_park_called_sex/
%
A man went to a pet store to buy a bird cage.

Man: Is this birdcage made of nickel?
Pet Store Employee: It's aluminum, I think.
Man: So there's no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store Employee: Not that I'm aware of.
Man: So this is nickeless cage? Cool!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3mac/a_man_went_to_a_pet_store_to_buy_a_bird_cage/
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Did you hear about the guy who froze himself to Absolute Zero?

He's 0K now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3m63/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_froze_himself_to/
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3j6f/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50. The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion dollars. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish and then says, "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says, "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. The second guy says, "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says, "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says, "Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3hgs/three_guys_are_walking_through_the_woods_when/
%
Two guys meet in a bar, and over drinks, one of them turns to the other and says, "Erm, I have to confess something, I'm a masochist, I like it when people hurt me."

The other guy says, "Really? I'm a sadist, I like to hurt people, want to come
home with me?"
They get to the sadists house, and into the basement, where the walls are
lined with whips and implements for causing pain, and the masochist is
overwhelmed with joy. He takes off his shirt, and with a large grin says,
"Whip me!"
The sadist turns to him and says, "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3h25/two_guys_meet_in_a_bar_and_over_drinks_one_of/
%
The problem with the science of Freud

Its completely untesticle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3gg0/the_problem_with_the_science_of_freud/
%
Did you see the movie about the Mariana Trench?

It was deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3dql/did_you_see_the_movie_about_the_mariana_trench/
%
You know the funniest thing about apathy?

No one cares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3c2t/you_know_the_funniest_thing_about_apathy/
%
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman because she had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.

The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
The lady tells him that her new husband is a funeral director.
"Interesting," the newsman thinks....
He then asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She then pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, a smile comes to her face as she answers proudly, explaining to the newsman that she had remembered each of her husbands.
The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a funeral director.
The newsman is astonished at this development, having never met anybody who had been in so many relationships with so many different and diverse careers. He asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.
She responds, "I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3a78/the_local_news_station_was_interviewing_an_80year/
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What does Batman put in his whiskey?

Just ice.
(Forgive me if this is unoriginal, but i thought i made it up just this moment).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n37bb/what_does_batman_put_in_his_whiskey/
%
School is on fire in Texas (translated from Russian)

Throw children at me, I’ll catch them! - screamed one firefighter to another.
Ok.
Why aren’t you catching Nigerian pupils?
Shit, I was wondering, why the fuck are you tossing out the dead burnt bodies first?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3306/school_is_on_fire_in_texas_translated_from_russian/
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If Mohammed Ali could float like a butterfly and sting like a bee

He would be dead after one punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n3273/if_mohammed_ali_could_float_like_a_butterfly_and/
%
I don't really understand all the hype behind masturbation...

...but you do you, I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n2sbg/i_dont_really_understand_all_the_hype_behind/
%
If you want to pick up women, become a mortician.

I heard girls drop dead for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n2qjb/if_you_want_to_pick_up_women_become_a_mortician/
%
What is justice Brett Kavanaugh’s first case?

Coors Light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n2o1o/what_is_justice_brett_kavanaughs_first_case/
%
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.

But by then, it was too late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n2lwq/my_wife_and_i_had_no_idea_what_happiness_meant/
%
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I am very determined.
Interviewer: That is the number one strength to have in our company. We'll get in touch with you when we make our decision.
Me: Great! I'll just wait here then!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n2lbf/interviewer_what_is_your_greatest_strength/
%
Love is like a fart,

If you try too hard, it's probably shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n2kov/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
A man is working in the produce section of a grocery store when an elderly woman approaches him...

“Excuse me, young man. Where is the broccoli?” The man says, “Sorry ma’am, but we just ran out. Please come back tomorrow and we should have some more.”
A bit confused, the old woman walks away.
A few minutes later, the same woman approaches the man again.
“Pardon me, I don’t see the broccoli. Where is it?”
Not sure what to make of her behavior, the man reiterates, “I apologize but we seem to be out of broccoli.”
Annoyed, she stomps off.
About five minutes pass and the old lady approaches him yet again.
“Where is the broccoli? This is absolutely ridiculous!”
Fed up, the man starts to think of a response. “Ma’am, do you know how to spell ‘dog’ like in ‘dogmatic’?”
“Of course! It’s d-o-g!”, she states. “Now what does this have to do with the broccoli?”
“Bear with me,” he says. “But do you know how to spell ‘cat’ like in ‘catastrophic’?
“Yes, c-a-t! But...”
He interrupts, “Alright, spell ‘fuck’ like in ‘broccoli’.”
Fuming, the old woman says, “THERE IS NO FUCK IN BROCCOLI!”
Relieved, the man exclaims, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n2g5x/a_man_is_working_in_the_produce_section_of_a/
%
Have you ever licked a knife?

They taste like blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n2e0p/have_you_ever_licked_a_knife/
%
Are you today's date?

Because you look like a delicious fruit indigenous to the fertile crescent region

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n2dvi/are_you_todays_date/
%
What was the russian journalist last words before he committed suicide?

Please dont shoot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n22dm/what_was_the_russian_journalist_last_words_before/
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Double negative

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative." A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n21i4/double_negative/
%
What sounds a lot worse when said by a necrophiliac?

"Nice body"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n1xpn/what_sounds_a_lot_worse_when_said_by_a/
%
Man takes wife to the zoo.

They come across a gorilla. The man asks his wife to be a little flirty and blow a kiss to the gorilla. She does and the animal instantly gets excited, eyes wide open and stands up immediately. The wife likes it and so does the husband.
Then he asks her to be a little more daring and show the gorilla some leg. She lifts her skirt a little and shows it a peek of her fine legs. The gorilla is now charged. Jumping up and down. Making mating noises. It is clearly excited.
The husband and wife are both loving it and decide to take it up a notch. He asks her to flash a little cleavage. The wife thinks for a moment, but then goes ahead with it. When no one is watching, she pulls down her dress briefly and flashes to the gorilla. The animal has now gone crazy. Howling, beating chest, lunging on the cage bars, totally horny and turned on.
The husband suddenly picks up the wife and flings her across the bars and throws her into the gorillas cage and yells - NOW TELL HIM, NOT TONIGHT HONEY, I HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n1ujj/man_takes_wife_to_the_zoo/
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There are 10 types of people in the world

Those who know binary and those who don’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n1orv/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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Connor Mcgregor’s beer just came available at my local bar...

I hear it’s on tap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n1loi/connor_mcgregors_beer_just_came_available_at_my/
%
Here are the 10 best number systems.

1. Binary
2. Decimal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n1l8t/here_are_the_10_best_number_systems/
%
King, Queen and King's best friend.

Before the King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen) in the room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days, open the room and she is yours....
He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound behind him. He stops & sees his friend riding very fast towards him.
"What's wrong?" King asks.
.
.
.
.
Out of breath, his friend answers, "It is the wrong Key...!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n1bkv/king_queen_and_kings_best_friend/
%
I got home after a stressful and demotivating day to find my wife moving my whisky collection up to a high shelf.

I can always rely on her to lift my spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n1ads/i_got_home_after_a_stressful_and_demotivating_day/
%
Mary needed veggies for dinner...

but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over. She sent a text to her husband.
"Honey please don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you."
Paul, her husband replied, "Who is Priscilla?"
"Nobody, I was just making  sure that you read my message."
Paul took a moment, then replied, "But I'm with Priscilla  right now, so which Priscilla  are you talking about?"
Mary couldn't believe it, she had had suspicions for a while. "Where are you?"
"Near the vegetable market."
"Wait I'm coming there right now!" forgetting about smudging her manicured finger nails,  and her friends coming over, Mary snatched the car keys and within 10 minutes she was at the market.
"Where are you"? She texted her husband.
"I'm at the office. Now that you're in the market, buy whatever vegetables you need...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n19kt/mary_needed_veggies_for_dinner/
%
I really hate crushing pop cans.

It's soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n18lh/i_really_hate_crushing_pop_cans/
%
There are three wise men on a boat and four cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?....

They toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.....!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n16g9/there_are_three_wise_men_on_a_boat_and_four/
%
Calling a colour-blind person racist is like calling a deaf person....

It's ironic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n12kb/calling_a_colourblind_person_racist_is_like/
%
A handsome gentle man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The handsome gentle man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the handsome gentle man to call them back.
"Call who back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n0zk1/a_handsome_gentle_man_is_caught_fishing_illegally/
%
A guy walks into a bar to see a jar labelled 'BET MONEY' with a couple hundred dollars in it.

He asked the bartender what the bet was. The bartender pointed to two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling and said, "The bet is that you can't jump and hit both pieces of meat before you land back on the ground. If you try and fail, you have to put in $50. If you succeed, you get the whole pot. would you like to try?" The guy thought looked at the meat, thought about it for a second, and said, "No. The steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n0y52/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_to_see_a_jar_labelled_bet/
%
When I'm drunk, I don't drive

Well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n0wn8/when_im_drunk_i_dont_drive/
%
"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.

"Is," replied my lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n0vwx/fucking_kids_are_expensive_i_said/
%
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.

But when it happens no one is shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n0ui9/its_very_rare_that_a_defibrillator_fails/
%
I saw a dead man with a noose around his neck with his penis fully erect.

Needless to say, he was hung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n0ptf/i_saw_a_dead_man_with_a_noose_around_his_neck/
%
Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo...

They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?"
The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie."
The son replies, "No, mom. I know what the trunk is. What's THAT thing hanging under the elephant?" He points directly to the bull elephant's now engorged member.
The mother looks, blushes, and quickly says, "Oh! Um...that's nothing, sweetie."
Frustrated, the son tugs on dad's shirt and asks, "Dad, what's that thing hanging underneath the elephant? I know it's not the trunk."
The dad looks and calmly says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
The son asks, "When I asked mom, she said it was nothing."
The dad smiles and says, "Son, I've SPOILED that woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n0pmf/mom_and_dad_take_their_5_yearold_son_to_the_zoo/
%
I got my mate an Elephant for his living room

He said "Thanks".
I said "don't mention it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n0lg9/i_got_my_mate_an_elephant_for_his_living_room/
%
I visited the dwarf hospital near where I live today but the doctor got angry with me almost immediately.

I think it's because he has little patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n0k7z/i_visited_the_dwarf_hospital_near_where_i_live/
%
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n0fxm/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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What's the one thing you don't want to hear while under anaesthesia?

Anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n0ddc/whats_the_one_thing_you_dont_want_to_hear_while/
%
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink .....

so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n0d2r/a_math_professor_john_is_having_problems_with_his/
%
You ever tried blind-folded archery?

You don’t know what you’re missing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n0br6/you_ever_tried_blindfolded_archery/
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Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.
Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n0a3w/told_by_a_7_year_old_boy_how_do_you_drop_on_an/
%
What does lice travel with?

Pubic transport

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n09i8/what_does_lice_travel_with/
%
What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pump kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n09dv/what_do_hillbillies_do_on_halloween/
%
Did you hear about the self-portrait photographer?

He shot himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n06e9/did_you_hear_about_the_selfportrait_photographer/
%
So this girl at a party decides to get some cake..

She notices that the line is really long, gave up,  and decided to go to the restroom to fix her hair.
She notices that the bathroom has a very long line as well, so she decides to get a drink.
To her surprise, there is no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9n067f/so_this_girl_at_a_party_decides_to_get_some_cake/
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What happened to Bruce Willis when he overdosed on Viagra?

He died hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mztjs/what_happened_to_bruce_willis_when_he_overdosed/
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Jim decided to propose to Sandy..

but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her way too much.
”I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes I will marry you & learn to live with your infant penis.”
Sandy & Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite & they started touch teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
”Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mzrf8/jim_decided_to_propose_to_sandy/
%
I was at a party once, but I lost my watch..

I found it ten minutes later, but some guy was stepping on it. As he stood on my watch, he was sexually harassing a young woman. So I walked up to him and punched him right in the face. Nobody does that to a girl. Not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mzqdn/i_was_at_a_party_once_but_i_lost_my_watch/
%
My friend woke up this morning coughing badly

I think he may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mznem/my_friend_woke_up_this_morning_coughing_badly/
%
If attacked by a mob of clowns...

...go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mzlnl/if_attacked_by_a_mob_of_clowns/
%
I have a special pair of pants for when I get cross faded.

They’re high wasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mzkcg/i_have_a_special_pair_of_pants_for_when_i_get/
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[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.

One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American.
I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold shoulder. Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is furious that he would disrespect his ancestry by changing it.
So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a long time. Finally it's our turn and Ving tells me he has picked "Lee" as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about disrespecting their ancestry.
Then it's time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can't do it. The lady at the desk says it’s ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors.
"DAD!" Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried,
"Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mzi1x/long_they_were_twins_a_guy_ving_and_a_girl_ling/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women.

I fucking hate coffee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mzgw5/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
Do you know why sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So people wouldn't get them mixed up with feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mzd8k/do_you_know_why_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
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A Sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Ceaser all walk into a Bar...

He Came, he saw, he conquered!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mz2j2/a_sperm_donor_a_carpenter_and_julius_ceaser_all/
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A mother and her 5-year-old son were driving down a country road...

and suddenly a giant dildo hit the windshield.
Son: Mommy, what was that?
Mom: It was just a big bug honey. (Not wanting to explain what it was)
A brief pause
Son: Well that bug had a huge dick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mz21w/a_mother_and_her_5yearold_son_were_driving_down_a/
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What does a nazi say when he stubs his toe?

Auw, schwitz!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9myzk9/what_does_a_nazi_say_when_he_stubs_his_toe/
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A young man is sitting at a bar when a frantic gentleman approaches him.

“RUTH, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WIFE RUTH?!”
The gentleman shook the young man by the shoulders.
“No sir, I haven’t. What does she look like?”
Asked the young man but by the time he could finish asking the frantic man runs out the doors yelling “HAS ANYONE SEEN MY WIFE RUTH?!” and takes off down the street.
The young man looks over to the bartender “What was that guys problem?”
The bartender sighs and says “That’s jerry, he’s been out every night since his wife went missing 10 years ago.”
“Holy hell 10 years and still looking with that kind of enthusiasm?” Asked the young man.
“Yeah, I think I would’ve given up by now if it were me.”
The bartender paused for a moment. “I guess he’s ruthless.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9myy3r/a_young_man_is_sitting_at_a_bar_when_a_frantic/
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If One Had The Ability To Control Bacteria...

That would be pretty sick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mywrw/if_one_had_the_ability_to_control_bacteria/
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My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheel chair.

Guess who came crawling back...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9myrd7/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_took_her/
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"Doctor, the patient who think they're invisible is here for their appointment"

"Tell him I can't see him right now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9myr7b/doctor_the_patient_who_think_theyre_invisible_is/
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You have a green ball in your left hand and another green ball in your right. What do you have?

The Hulk's dick in your mouth
H/T Jack Whitehall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mypr1/you_have_a_green_ball_in_your_left_hand_and/
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What do r/Jokes, r/CleverComebacks and r/Fencing have in common?

Ripostes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9myoqq/what_do_rjokes_rclevercomebacks_and_rfencing_have/
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Some people say it's sick and perverted to be a flasher.

I think it shows a lot of balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mylvl/some_people_say_its_sick_and_perverted_to_be_a/
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If sexual innuendo becomes a crime,

How many people will go down?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9myi9n/if_sexual_innuendo_becomes_a_crime/
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A woman sent two ties to her son in law.

Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him.
The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence.
Finally she spoke, “Alright then, what was wrong with the other tie?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9myhpa/a_woman_sent_two_ties_to_her_son_in_law/
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A man with a mullet walks into a bar

The bartender says "The party's in the back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mygv2/a_man_with_a_mullet_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two alcoholics are drinking at a bar

It's Tuesday, and they've been there the day before as well.
One of them asks
"George, what are we doing here?"
"I don't know Robert, maybe it's because we made the wrong choice when we were young, maybe we got too involved in drinking and not enough in studying, and know it's too late. Or maybe it's society, pressuring us to choose a meaningless job, when we didn't have a clue what to do in our lives, and coming here is the only escape we have. Or MAYBE, just maybe it's family values, brainwashing us into reproducing with a woman we end up hating, raising bullshit kids we never loved, and we come here to forget all of the crap we get on a daily basis!"
"Calm down George, I just ment: What are we doing here when we have 2 pounds of crack at my house?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9myey8/two_alcoholics_are_drinking_at_a_bar/
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Yo Mama so fat...

she had to get baptised at Sea World!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mydzp/yo_mama_so_fat/
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Don’t ask me why your Ikea furniture isn’t holding up..

..you only have your shelf to blame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9myaac/dont_ask_me_why_your_ikea_furniture_isnt_holding/
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A man hears a knock on his front door. When he opens it, a boy stands in front of him who says “Hello sir, my name is Tobias...

...and I’m here to fuck your daughter.”
“TO WHAT?”
“TO-BI-AS.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9my9qa/a_man_hears_a_knock_on_his_front_door_when_he/
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TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9my97x/til_that_a_school_of_piranhas_can_strip_all_the/
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My wife says I shouldn't plan so far ahead.

Though, she's not my wife yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9my938/my_wife_says_i_shouldnt_plan_so_far_ahead/
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What do you call a guy that's been disowned by Finland?

UnFinnished,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9my7zz/what_do_you_call_a_guy_thats_been_disowned_by/
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My girlfriend is happy the metric system was invented

Otherwise I’d have never meter.
Although, if I ever felt it wasn’t working out, I’d break up with her immediately. I would never liter on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9my2l2/my_girlfriend_is_happy_the_metric_system_was/
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I’ve recently started an all-vegan diet and I’ve never been healthier!

Abducting them, killing them and digging holes to dispose of the remains has been great exercise.
The only problem is it’s become difficult to shut the fuck up telling everybody how much better I feel and how their diet is wrong and immoral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mxy6g/ive_recently_started_an_allvegan_diet_and_ive/
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I asked my girlfriend how she avoids click-bait..

Her answer may shock you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mxy4y/i_asked_my_girlfriend_how_she_avoids_clickbait/
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Why was the Water's sexual assault case against the Oil thrown out of court?

All of the physical evidence was immiscible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mxuta/why_was_the_waters_sexual_assault_case_against/
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What did the Redneck say to his lover?

Thanks for home schooling me mom, I really dodged a bullet there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mxtth/what_did_the_redneck_say_to_his_lover/
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What is a clinical trial done in October called?

a trick or treatment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mxth3/what_is_a_clinical_trial_done_in_october_called/
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I'm reading a horror book written in braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mxsfe/im_reading_a_horror_book_written_in_braille/
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mxrkg/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table_the_son_asks_the/
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Why do Germans fear getting cheese in their hotdogs?

Because for them it's considered to be a Wurst-Käse scenario.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mxm9j/why_do_germans_fear_getting_cheese_in_their/
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There's 4 stages of 'sex' in every relationship..

First - there's the every where sex.   That is when you first started dating and you have sex every where.  Bonus points for public places..
Second - House sex.  You have sex every where in the house.. kitchen, bathroom, living room, swimming pool .. basically every where.
Third - Bedroom.  Now things are slowing down, you have sex if you are lucky .. and only in the bedroom, with the light off.  Once a month..
.. then suddenly it changes and
Forth - Hallway sex.!!!  Oh boy, oh boy..!!
This is where you walk past each other in the hallway and go 'Fuck you!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mxirl/theres_4_stages_of_sex_in_every_relationship/
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I'm going to retire and live off my savings.

What I do the second day, I'm not sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mx9rs/im_going_to_retire_and_live_off_my_savings/
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A naked blonde walks into a bar, carrying a poodle under one arm and a 6 foot salami under the other.

The Bardtender says, 'So, I don't suppose you'd be needing a drink?'
The blonde says "I definitely do, after what just happened to me."
The bartender says "I'm so sorry. What happened?"
The blonde says, "Well, my boyfriend and I were just about to make love, when out of nowhere the crazy bastard says 'I'm gonna pound my favorite bitch with my giant sausage'. So I grabbed them both and got the hell out of there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mx91j/a_naked_blonde_walks_into_a_bar_carrying_a_poodle/
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God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly and kindest people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait untill I make their neighbours "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mx7a1/god_created_canada/
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I’m so glad Doctor Who is back.

It’s about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mx5vi/im_so_glad_doctor_who_is_back/
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#1 Tip for both fastening metal together and streakers:

Pull out your nuts and bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mx4fm/1_tip_for_both_fastening_metal_together_and/
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My doc prescibed me an RX for my poison ivy and oak allergies.

I got 99 problems but an itch aint one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mx3u4/my_doc_prescibed_me_an_rx_for_my_poison_ivy_and/
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A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.
"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.
"I do. It's parked right outside."
"Do you swear?"
"More than a fucking sailor." She says.
"Do you drink?"
"Like a fish."
The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question.
"Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mx3q7/a_sweet_little_old_lady_walks_into_a_bar/
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I’m a married man and when an opportunity knocks on your door we very rarely refuse...

So I was at Crown Casino last week at the Bar downstairs just having a casual drink. I’d say we were there for a solid 40 minutes just having a laugh and I saw this cracker eyeing me off. Didn’t take much to it and just continued enjoying my drink.
My mate decided to try his luck on the tables, so I just hang around the bar, on my phone minding my own business.
This bird approaches me and starts talking to me about the footy and a bit about the upcoming UFC fight... awesome bird. I asked her how old she is and she said 52.... I was like no chance, she didn’t look any older then 40... anyway my mate saw us talking so he just left us alone.
About an hour into it she leans over and whispers, ‘ you’re very handsome, would you join me in a mother daughter threesome?’...
Immediately I felt movement with the old fella and honestly, how do you say no to that? You just can’t...
So, we leave the bar go towards the lifts and up to the top floor. Walking down the corridor I’m nervous but excited.
We get to her room and she gives me them bedroom eyes... fuck I’m hard as a rock at this stage already...
She calls out ‘ MUM, MUM, are you here?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mx3md/im_a_married_man_and_when_an_opportunity_knocks/
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Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..

And now I filafel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mx331/ugh_i_ate_too_much_hummus/
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What do you call someone who pays for sex?

Buysexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mx2dy/what_do_you_call_someone_who_pays_for_sex/
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What do you call an obese psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mx1de/what_do_you_call_an_obese_psychic/
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Did you hear about the guys who stole a Viagra shipment?

The police are looking for two hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mx0cm/did_you_hear_about_the_guys_who_stole_a_viagra/
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A frog goes into a bank

and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay, what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mx09z/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
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Uncle jokes, Dad jokes, same thing.

I went over to my aunt and uncle’s house for dinner.  While cooking, my cousin and I discover that we both are redditors.  She says to me, “Hey did you see this post on AskReddit?”
My uncle quickly yells from the other room, “I wish someone would give me some Ass Credit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mwz1p/uncle_jokes_dad_jokes_same_thing/
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Did you hear about the masturbating vigilante?

He had to take matters into his own hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mwyr2/did_you_hear_about_the_masturbating_vigilante/
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Are you tired?

There is a nap for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mwvf0/are_you_tired/
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What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mwqnn/what_did_the_dna_say_to_the_other_dna/
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What did the mexican fireman name his 2 sons?

Hose A and Hose B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mwq9r/what_did_the_mexican_fireman_name_his_2_sons/
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A man went fishing with his wife...

After a whole day fishing, he had caught 20 fish.
The next one he caught was a a small one, and his wife started complaining that she wasted a day and wanted to go home.
Just a as he agreed to pack up and leave, the biggest fish he had ever seen latched onto his hook and started pulling.
His wife huffed, annoyed.
The struggle against the fish drew on, and his wife got more and more angry escalating and threatening to leave him if he did not drop his fishing rod immediately.
What was the man to do? Give up on the catch of a lifetime, or risk losing his wife?
Catch 22

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mwofu/a_man_went_fishing_with_his_wife/
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A man who was down on his luck...

became stressed as he felt his world crumble around him. He let his gambling addiction get the best of him. He began to question if life was worth living so he went to his local Priest.
"Priest", he said. "I'm not a religious man, but I can't help but wonder why my life is going to hell. I've lost all our money, my home will be foreclosed, my cars repossessed. My kids don't respect me, my boss will fire me, and my wife will leave me."
The Priest replied, "Take this bible and go sit outside. Open the cover and let the wind determine the page. Whatever that page, read the first thing you see. There you will find your answer."
So the man took the bible, sat at a nearby park, opened the cover and let the wind blow the page, until it came to a rest...
.. Some years later the Priest ran into the same man. The man was with his wife as were his children. His wife was radiate, wearing expensive clothes. His children hanging off of every word he said. He even told the Priest he kept all of his possessions. Surprised, the Priest asked, "Years ago you were in deep dispair, and you came to me. Tell me son, what did the bible tell you? What did you read? What was it's advice"
The man replied "Chapter 11".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mwnam/a_man_who_was_down_on_his_luck/
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A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store

He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk"
He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mwl79/a_spaniard_is_walking_through_a_grocery_store/
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What do you call two twin emt officers?

A pair of medics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mwexp/what_do_you_call_two_twin_emt_officers/
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If I had an identical twin...

I would have him discreetly follow me around whenever I'm hanging out with a girl. If she ever asks me "Are you single?", he will jump out of the bushes and say, "No, I'm double."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mweqc/if_i_had_an_identical_twin/
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How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1... but the lightbulb has to want to change first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mw6y7/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Why is 77 better than 69?

You get 8 more!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mw4b3/why_is_77_better_than_69/
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Where did Noah keep his Bees?

In the Archive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mw3af/where_did_noah_keep_his_bees/
%
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mw2zi/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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A 9 year old kid asks his dad what is sex?

A kid asks his dad what is sex? The dad stares at his wife and tells her it's time to tell the truth. The dad explains everything about sex to the kid. The stunned kid asks the dad - omg! How do they expect me to write all of this stuff in such a small space in the application form.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mw10y/a_9_year_old_kid_asks_his_dad_what_is_sex/
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Whats the difference between an emo kid and a leaf both falling from a tree?

Only the leaf reached the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mw0xa/whats_the_difference_between_an_emo_kid_and_a/
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I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party.

Everyone came, you should have seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mvz9m/i_threw_my_girlfriend_a_surprise_bukakke_party/
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Two friends go hunting...

…..after a long day of hunting, they killed a few deer. One friend begins to field dress the deer, the other is having some stomach issues, so he goes to sit on a log and let nature run its’ course. In doing so, the man falls asleep on the log.
The friend that was field dressing the deer realized his friend had been gone for quite some time so he went to check on him. Seeing that his friend was asleep, he thought he could not let the opportunity pass. He spread out the guts from the deer on the ground under his friend’s log.
Hours later, the friend returns and exclaims “You won’t believe what happened. My stomach was messed up, I fell asleep while I was sitting over there and next thing you know, I shit my guts out.”
“Oh my goodness!” his friend exclaims, snickering.
“Yea, if it wasn’t for a greasy stick and the grace of God, I may have never gotten them back in!
(Sorry if this is a repost, I have been monitoring for a while and haven’t seen it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mvsqb/two_friends_go_hunting/
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I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad...

That fly didn’t stand a chance.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mvrah/i_asked_my_daughter_if_shed_seen_my_newspaper_she/
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How many Instagram models does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, they hold the light bulb up and the world revolves around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mvq8t/how_many_instagram_models_does_it_take_to_screw/
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I was going to post a joke about the Fencing Instructor's best move...

But it's probably a Riposte...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mvq46/i_was_going_to_post_a_joke_about_the_fencing/
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What is it called when you're afraid of middle eastern spider species?

Iraqnophobia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mvodp/what_is_it_called_when_youre_afraid_of_middle/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

"That's not funny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mvled/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A rabbi and a priest go for a walk

on a hot summer day. They come by a river and the rabbi suggests to take a bath. The priest is hesitant as he doesn't have any swimwear with him, however the rabbi convinces him to jump in just like God made him.
Both swim for a while and once refreshed, they lay in the sun to dry. Suddenly a group of people walks by.
The priest covers his gentials while the rabbi covers his face
After the group walked past the priest asks the rabbi why he didn't cover his gentials.
"Brother", the rabbi says, " my community recognizes me by my face"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mvk81/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_go_for_a_walk/
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How did the blonde die raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mvg1h/how_did_the_blonde_die_raking_leaves/
%
Why cant’t Indians play soccer?

Because every time they get a corner they build a convenience store on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mvffg/why_cantt_indians_play_soccer/
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What is the Italian NRA called?

Prosciutto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mvb25/what_is_the_italian_nra_called/
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I’ll always remember my grandfather’s favorite saying: Be envied, not envious.

Every day, I wish I was the one who thought of that quote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mvar3/ill_always_remember_my_grandfathers_favorite/
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Why are cats always drunk?

Because they have WHISKYers.
(OC by 11 year old me, no hate pls)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mv9lx/why_are_cats_always_drunk/
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I couldn't afford a set of false teeth, but I found a guy who would make me a set in exchange for me doing some work around his house.

I guess you could say it was indentured servitude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mv1l5/i_couldnt_afford_a_set_of_false_teeth_but_i_found/
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What social construct has the most carbs?

Gender rolls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mv1ir/what_social_construct_has_the_most_carbs/
%
What do you call a veteran who sleeps in a bathroom stall?

A loo-tenant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9muvet/what_do_you_call_a_veteran_who_sleeps_in_a/
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Someone once told me I had a nice-ass shirt.

I told them that they can just call it pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mutks/someone_once_told_me_i_had_a_niceass_shirt/
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Where do skeletons go for a night out?

Anywhere as long as it’s a hip joint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mut6x/where_do_skeletons_go_for_a_night_out/
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A frog was sitting on a lily pad and saw a fly..

Little did the fly know the frog was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches I can grab it".
Little did the frog know a fish was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches the frog will grab it and I can eat the frog".
Little did the fish know a bear was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches the frog will grab it, the fish will eat the frog and I can eat the fish".
Little did the bear know a hunter perched in the woods was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches the frog will grab the fly, the fish will eat the frog, the bear will eat the fish and I'll shoot the bear".
Little did the hunter know a mouse was thinking"if that fly moves down 4 inches the frog will grab the fly, the fish will eat the frog, the bear will eat the fish and when that hunter goes to shoot the bear that sandwich will fall out of his pocket for me to eat".
Little did the mouse know a cat was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches the frog will grab the fly, the fish will eat the frog, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will stand up and shoot the bear causing the sandwich to fall out which the mouse will eat and I can eat the mouse"
Sooooo
The fly moved down 4 inches
The frog grabbed the fly
The fish ate the frog
The bear ate the fish
The hunter stood up to shoot the bear and the sandwich fell out
The mouse grabbed the sandwich and
The cat leapt towards the mouse but missed and landed in the water!!!!
Moral of the story
Whenever a fly moves down 4 inches a pussys gonna get wet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9muq54/a_frog_was_sitting_on_a_lily_pad_and_saw_a_fly/
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Did you guys watch the movie about aliens invading America?

I think it was called "Pocahontas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mungw/did_you_guys_watch_the_movie_about_aliens/
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My Aunt started walking 5 miles a day at age 65

Today she is 70 and we don't know \*where\* the hell she is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mumab/my_aunt_started_walking_5_miles_a_day_at_age_65/
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Why did the Scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mulqc/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
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What do you get when you combine an octopus and a bear?

You get a Frenchman pronouncing October

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mulav/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_an_octopus_and_a/
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The cleanest restaurant in the world

A guy walks in and the maître d’ Says welcome to the cleanest restaurant in the world, We never touch any of the food by hand we simply use tongs for everything.
The guys says wow that’s great!
The guy says BtW, what are all those red strings hanging out of everybody’s zippers?
Oh yes, When one of us have to go use the restroom we even use the red string to pull it out and do our business...
The guy said how do you put it back in?
The maître d’ replied I don’t know about the rest of the guys...
But I use the tongs..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mudwg/the_cleanest_restaurant_in_the_world/
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Why should we rename the alphabet to the cyclops?

Because it only has one I.
(I made it up to entertain my four year old, but I'm still kinda of it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mu7ye/why_should_we_rename_the_alphabet_to_the_cyclops/
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A doctor has a friend, who one day admits he has recently become a vampire...

Having been friends since childhood, the doctor does not immediately dismiss the vampire. Instead, he offers to help.
“I have access to the blood bank at the hospital. If I fudge a few numbers I can sneak some out to help keep you fed, without hurting anyone”
The vampire thanks him and takes him up on his gracious offer. The arrangement works well for a few months, with the doctor sneaking some of the nearly-expired blood from the bank. He is clever enough not to get caught, but soon the vampire returns with a request.
“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, I really do. But the blood you’ve provided, it isn’t...the freshest. Do you think you could get some of the fresher samples for me? It would taste so much better...”
The doctor is hesitant, but agrees to try. He realizes that if he’s careful, he can swap the samples around without anyone noticing and get the fresh blood for his friend. This arrangement goes on quite well for some time, until one day the doctor notices that a young comatose woman in his care has some suspicious wounds on her neck-they look exactly like bite marks.
The doctor decides to let it go, but over time he notices the same bite marks on others during his rounds. He finally decides that it cannot go on any longer, and that he must confront the vampire. He calls his friend and they meet at the doctors house. After some small talk, the doctor finally decides he cannot wait any longer.
“We’ve been friends a long time,” he starts. “And you know I want what’s best for you. I was fine helping you with the old blood. I didn’t even mind getting you the fresher stuff...but now, you’re beginning to try my patients.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mu4ns/a_doctor_has_a_friend_who_one_day_admits_he_has/
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The joke I use to leave uncomfortable conversations

You: Knock knock
Who's there?
You: it's [State your first name]
[First name who?!]
You [insulted]: I can't believe you still don't recognize me after all these years.
[Storm out of the room]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mu4kg/the_joke_i_use_to_leave_uncomfortable/
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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor,  massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support,  feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke,  console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond,  anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for,  ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm,  lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend,  implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax,  clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize,  detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace,  accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead,  borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch,  crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream  of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole,  Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate,  alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble,  gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her  existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue  persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide,  slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle,  slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate,  gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold,  blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast,  enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.
**HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:**
**Show up naked with food.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mu32b/how_to_satisfy_a_woman/
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A man at the airline counter tells the rep.

“I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.
The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”
The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mu2t7/a_man_at_the_airline_counter_tells_the_rep/
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My boss told me to give something the old college try...

So I skipped work for a week and got addicted to adderall by accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mtyiw/my_boss_told_me_to_give_something_the_old_college/
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Orions Belt is a big waist of space

Bad joke, only three stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mtr9m/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
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A family of three catches a goldfish

The fish tells them that if they let it go, he will grant each one a wish. The mom and dad decide to let their kid go first with the wish.
Kid: "I want a hedgehog"
Father: A MOTHERFUCKING hedgehog?
Mother: GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OF ME!
And the fish was free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mtof0/a_family_of_three_catches_a_goldfish/
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The Wan family is sharing their home and a nice dinner with the Version family when a knock can be heard at the door.

Mr. Wan opens the door to a local police officer.
The officer says, "Good evening sir. We received a report of a mugging in this very neighborhood and are investigating the area to hopefully discover the true story of the event. Mind if I ask a few questions?"
Mr. Wan replies, "Well I am enjoying a nice dinner with my family and some family friends, but I'll see what I can do. How can I help?"
"Well the victim was somewhat distraught and couldn't quite ID the culprit, but said that there two people who mugged her, a tall, Asian male, and a short, white male. Do either of those descriptions ring a bell?", asks the officer.
Mr. Wan answers, "Why yes, my son Alex Wan has already grown past me, and his friend James Version is certainly on the short side. They're both actually in the dining room right now having some dinner."
The officer replies, "I see. Could you bring him out here so I can ask a few more questions?"
Furrowing his brows, Mr. Wan says, "I'm a little confused by your phrasing."
"All I'm asking is that you bring him out here so I can ask more questions about the mugging", the officer says back.
Mr. Wan says, "You're still not making any sense. Frankly, I have no clue which person you want me to bring out here, and I'd like to get back to my evening," and begins to shut the door.
Frustrated by Mr. Wan's reluctance, the officer stops the door with his hand and says, "Mr. Wan, please. I need you to cooperate and bring him out here, because frankly it seems like you know something. What's the story here?"
Mr. Wan angrily shouts, "Well which one do you want, the short Version or the long Wan?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mtni8/the_wan_family_is_sharing_their_home_and_a_nice/
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what do you call a fencing tournament held on a nuclear submersible?

A sub full of ripostes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mtlrt/what_do_you_call_a_fencing_tournament_held_on_a/
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A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, "I'm looking for a turn-off"

I said, "I re-post jokes on Reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mtle8/a_girl_was_driving_down_the_road_with_me_in_the/
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A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says

, "I have 15 meat lover pizzas with extra cheese."
The nurse at the receptionist desk angrily asks him, "Why would you come here and mock our patients?"
The pizza guy defensively answers, "It's just what the doctor ordered!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mtjz1/a_pizza_guy_enters_an_obesity_clinic_and_says/
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An Elderly woman stood nervous before the Judge...

She had been caught stealing a can of peaches. The Judge asked her why she stole the peaches. The women replied, "Because I was hungry and had no money." The judge asked, "How many  peaches were in the can?" The elderly woman replied, "Nine". The Judge nodded at her confession.
"I have determined to sentence you to a day in jail for each peach in the jar. You will spend nine days in the county jail."
Those in the courtroom sat in disbelief as the judge give such a penalty. The silence broke only when the elderly woman's husband spoke out, "She also stole three jars of peas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mthl9/an_elderly_woman_stood_nervous_before_the_judge/
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My girl friend calls me bill gates when we have sex

Because I'm micro-soft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mthh0/my_girl_friend_calls_me_bill_gates_when_we_have/
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I showed some Syrian kids my new drone today.

They were all blown away by it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mtaq9/i_showed_some_syrian_kids_my_new_drone_today/
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I can't stand Russian dolls!

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mta3s/i_cant_stand_russian_dolls/
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A father decides to get his son karate lessons

They look around the dojo during practice hours and observe other students, with belts of various bright colours, sparing with eachother but notice a boy with only legs far away from other students training with a dummy on his own.
The father walks up to the karate teacher and asks him "How come there is a young armless boy isolated in the far corner?"
The karate teacher replies "Ahh that would be black belt Joseph, all of my other pupils are too afraid to spar with him,"
The father responds "I would be hesitant to be the guy that hit a disabled person too"
Shaking his head the karate master smiles, "Oh thats not the reason, they are afraid of Joseph because he is a master of unarmed combat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mt5s2/a_father_decides_to_get_his_son_karate_lessons/
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Look at those millennials...

Walking around here like they rent the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mt0je/look_at_those_millennials/
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Yo momma is so ugly...

That her dildo needs viagra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9msz3m/yo_momma_is_so_ugly/
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So I asked my friend who is a flat Earther to keep walking in one direction...

I don’t know where he is now, but I know one thing: Best case scenario, one less flat Earther. Worst case scenario: one less flat Earther.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9msva5/so_i_asked_my_friend_who_is_a_flat_earther_to/
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Can I tell you an egg joke? Its gonna “crack” you up!

Sorry I got so eggcited I forgot what the yolk was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mst8a/can_i_tell_you_an_egg_joke_its_gonna_crack_you_up/
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What do you call a Middle Eastern carpenter?

Ahmed Ashed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9msnxx/what_do_you_call_a_middle_eastern_carpenter/
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Why did the bungee jumper hit the ground?

He didn't pay a tension.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9msn7l/why_did_the_bungee_jumper_hit_the_ground/
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A girl goes to a Chruch to confess

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9msi25/a_girl_goes_to_a_chruch_to_confess/
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What do cannibals drink with their breakfast cereal?

A cup of Joe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9msatz/what_do_cannibals_drink_with_their_breakfast/
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Where does virgin wool come from?

Ugly sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ms7lg/where_does_virgin_wool_come_from/
%
I wasn’t particularly close to my dad when he passed away.

That was lucky, because he died by stepping on a land mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ms563/i_wasnt_particularly_close_to_my_dad_when_he/
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To the man on crutches wearing a camouflage jacket that stole my wallet...

You can hide, but you can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ms35e/to_the_man_on_crutches_wearing_a_camouflage/
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Three vampire bats had a bet to see who could come back with the most blood, first bat comes back, nothing second bat also comes back nothing, third bat takes off and later returns with blood oozing out of his mouth, the other bats say where did you get all that blood? He replies, see that tree.

Well I didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mrwr5/three_vampire_bats_had_a_bet_to_see_who_could/
%
3 months after having a fight with my ex-girlfriend, I realized I was too harsh on her

So I apologized and unburied her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mrvb6/3_months_after_having_a_fight_with_my/
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Why did the Racoon cross the road?

To see his flat mate..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mrpxb/why_did_the_racoon_cross_the_road/
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Why did the slave go to college?

To pick up his master's degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mrnvv/why_did_the_slave_go_to_college/
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I just got laser eye surgery and I can't help but feel cheated

Because I still can't see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mrlji/i_just_got_laser_eye_surgery_and_i_cant_help_but/
%
4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance."
The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles.
It's unbelievable.
The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.
The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."
The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mrfjy/4_years_ago_today_i_shared_the_worst_joke_i_ever/
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My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 AM.

3 AM, can you believe it?
Lucky him that I was awake playing drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mreyx/my_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_at_3_am/
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I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.

He said “I know you are, but what am I?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mreqa/i_told_my_bully_he_was_just_a_child_having_an/
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People tell me to learn from my mistakes

But honestly I think I'm a lot smarter than any of my children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mrdsx/people_tell_me_to_learn_from_my_mistakes/
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If “#” is often read as “pound,”

then perhaps we should rethink the title of the #metoo movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mrc9z/if_is_often_read_as_pound/
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A proctologist walks into a bar...

...and says, "Is this stool taken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mr9ai/a_proctologist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.

He says to the bartender, I’ll have a beer, and one for the road too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mr839/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_slab_of_asphalt/
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Why doesn't anyone listen to complaints by Furries?

Because they only have furs twirled problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mr6kq/why_doesnt_anyone_listen_to_complaints_by_furries/
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If a bluebird has blue babies and a blackbird has black babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mr6eb/if_a_bluebird_has_blue_babies_and_a_blackbird_has/
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Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome

. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially if you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite!"
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mr58w/two_beggars_are_sitting_side_by_side_on_the/
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What's the best part about going to an amputee strip club?

Place is crawling with pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mr097/whats_the_best_part_about_going_to_an_amputee/
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A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mqxgx/a_small_boy_asks_his_dad_dad_what_are_politics/
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Where does a Hasidic Jew get his hair cut?

The hair shalom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mqvot/where_does_a_hasidic_jew_get_his_hair_cut/
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What is nice if you are close to it but gets irritating when far away?

Someone holding the door for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mqrta/what_is_nice_if_you_are_close_to_it_but_gets/
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How to catch an elephant.

So the first thing you want to do when trying to catch an elephant is dig a really big hole. They're absolute units so a REALLY big hole.
Next you need to burn stuff, you just need the soot and ashes so it doesn't matter what you burn. Once you have a lot of soot and ashes built up, you need to push it into the hole you dug until the hole is about half full.
Next on your list is frozen peas. Go to the store and pick up a bag of frozen peas. I would recommend spending the extra money on the nicer peas because an elephant never forgets and will probably know the difference.
With your frozen peas in hand, head back to your hole and begin placing the peas one by one around its edge.
Once you're satisfied with the elephant trap, find a nearby bush to hide in and the waiting begins.
Eventually, the elephant won't be able to resist the urge to take a pea, and when he does, you kick him in the ash hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mqqqj/how_to_catch_an_elephant/
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A soldier ran up to a nun

, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied: "He went that way."
After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."
The nun said: "I understand completely."
The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mqokb/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
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What's Conor McGregor's favorite drink?

Tap water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mqm9o/whats_conor_mcgregors_favorite_drink/
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Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mqkqw/still_my_favorite_joke_i_ever_made_up/
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Two clowns are eating a cannibal

One says to the other "I think this joke is being told wrong"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mqbrb/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
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Human organs are the opposite of old action figures

People pay a lot more for them once you take them out to the original packaging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mq7mk/human_organs_are_the_opposite_of_old_action/
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What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?

A Cat-has-trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mq64z/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_cat_wins_a_dog_show/
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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide

The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mq4t3/a_man_went_into_a_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
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Today I came into a lot of money

It was fun, but now I'm banned from the bank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mq424/today_i_came_into_a_lot_of_money/
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8000 feet deep in the Pacific Ocean

an overly excited cusk eel rushed to tell its story in front of an attentive audience that included sarcastic fringeheads, ghoulish chimeras, goblin sharks, and grenadiers.
His body shaking and his voice trembling, he started: “ it looked nothing I’ve seen before. A creature 5 or 6 feet long, with a rounded head, and slender neck. It had four appendages that came off the sides and bottom, all moving separately, while his dark eyes stared at me with intense curiosity and may I say disbelief. The creature had a ..”
“Umm..” the eel was interrupted by a solemn looking blobfish.
“That sounds a lot like Dave.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mq1yo/8000_feet_deep_in_the_pacific_ocean/
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A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mq1sr/a_salad_was_arrested_for_public_indecency/
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What's worse than fingering your sister?

Fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mq1e3/whats_worse_than_fingering_your_sister/
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Programmer: What's your ip?

Mathematician: ln(-1)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mq1c9/programmer_whats_your_ip/
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My Friend stabbed me with a pencil...

He drew blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mq0zq/my_friend_stabbed_me_with_a_pencil/
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What do you call a birdcage made out of every periodic element except nickel?

A Nicolas Cage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mpy2x/what_do_you_call_a_birdcage_made_out_of_every/
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It was really ahead of his time!

Did you hear about the time travelling joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mpnqe/it_was_really_ahead_of_his_time/
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A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God

The man asked, “God, what’s a million years to you?” And God said “a minute”
Then the man asked, “well, what’s a million pounds to you?” And God said, “a penny”.
Then the man asked, “God... can I have a penny?” And God said “Sure... in a minute”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mpmfx/a_man_walked_to_the_top_of_a_hill_to_talk_to_god/
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What do you call alternative medicine that works?

Medicine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mplp8/what_do_you_call_alternative_medicine_that_works/
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Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?

Because one more would be two farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mpk4q/why_do_irish_people_only_put_239_beans_on_their/
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What does a little sister ride?

A Niisan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mpjsa/what_does_a_little_sister_ride/
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I got a grandmother in her 90's and she still doesn't need glasses

she just drinks straight out of the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mp371/i_got_a_grandmother_in_her_90s_and_she_still/
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A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.

He must belong to an extreme mist organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9moyza/a_muslim_guy_just_walked_into_my_store_and_bought/
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My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9moxql/my_flatearther_friend_decided_to_walk_to_the_end/
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Sometimes I like to wind down the windows of my car, and sing at the top of my lungs to strangers walking by.

I was never meant to be a hearse driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mowga/sometimes_i_like_to_wind_down_the_windows_of_my/
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Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

The genie grants each of them one wish.
The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.
The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.
The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9motsb/three_guys_are_stranded_in_a_desert_by_a_stroke/
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When a fisherman fishes out money, he does not have to report it to the government

because that's net income.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mosc7/when_a_fisherman_fishes_out_money_he_does_not/
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Joke my grandfather told me (he thought it was hysterical)

One day a man goes to his doctor and complains of pains saying, "Doctor, doctor! It hurts when I go like this!" (My grandpa then lifted his right arm.)
So what does the doctor say? The doctor says, "Well then don't go like this!" (Grandpa proceeded to raise same right arm again. Grandpa then laughs hysterically, looking at me intensely until I chuckle.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9momyr/joke_my_grandfather_told_me_he_thought_it_was/
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"Professor, what organic compound do you need for the experiment, Amine or Benzene?"

- Ether is fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mol19/professor_what_organic_compound_do_you_need_for/
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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
The other says
"No"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mokxp/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
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I really want to try Conor McGregor’s whiskey since he keeps promoting it.

But I’m just not sure about stuff that comes out of tap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mogs0/i_really_want_to_try_conor_mcgregors_whiskey/
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Who is the most popular guy at the nudist beach ?

The guy who can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts.
Who is the most popular girl ?
The one that can eat the last doughnut.  . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mod0r/who_is_the_most_popular_guy_at_the_nudist_beach/
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The punchline comes before the question.

What's the worst part about time travelling jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mo98y/the_punchline_comes_before_the_question/
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If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mo8q3/if_farmer_a_sells_apples_farmer_b_sells_bananas/
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What do Mexicans cut their pizzas with?

Little Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mo84q/what_do_mexicans_cut_their_pizzas_with/
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I hated Sex Ed at school

Or 'Sexy Edward', to give him his full name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mo689/i_hated_sex_ed_at_school/
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Why do Norwegian battle ships have a barcode on the side?

So when they get back to port, they can
*Scandinavian*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mo4ho/why_do_norwegian_battle_ships_have_a_barcode_on/
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I found a Wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet With 20 dollars in it. I wasn’t sure How to proceed, But then i thought,”What would Jesus do”
So i turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mo3q5/i_found_a_wallet_what_do_i_do/
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Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mo36y/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
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I like my slaves just like I like my coffee

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mo1mk/i_like_my_slaves_just_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Elon Musk Announces Odd location for New Tesla Factory in the Country of........

Mad-at-gas-car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mnxd7/elon_musk_announces_odd_location_for_new_tesla/
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A farmer gets interviewed

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: a couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mnur8/a_farmer_gets_interviewed/
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The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mnugb/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
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Did you hear about the man that went to Thailand ?

He hires two tai hooker who tell him it will be like winning the lottery, back in the hotel room they weren’t wrong because there was six matching balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mnl9a/did_you_hear_about_the_man_that_went_to_thailand/
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Whats a cats favorite type of cheese?

String

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mnjxg/whats_a_cats_favorite_type_of_cheese/
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I walked up and down the beach all day looking for the perfect seashell, and I found it

It was littorally the best

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mnhun/i_walked_up_and_down_the_beach_all_day_looking/
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What did the inaugural ribbon for the new hotel say before being cut?

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mnbzs/what_did_the_inaugural_ribbon_for_the_new_hotel/
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How do you tell the difference between a boy ghost and a girl ghost?

Their boooobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mnboh/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_boy/
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Divorce!!!!!

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge, “I just can’t take it anymore. Every night she’s out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar.”
Judge asks, “what’s she doing?”
The guy answers, “Looking for me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mnbo8/divorce/
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When the Human Cannonball announced his retirement from the circus..

... the Ringmaster said "I wish you had give more notice. It's going to be hard to find another man of your caliber."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmzk4/when_the_human_cannonball_announced_his/
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Guess which Avenger paid the least taxes this year?

Spiderman, because his entire income was net income

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmt12/guess_which_avenger_paid_the_least_taxes_this_year/
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A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "Wow! In all my years of tending bar I've never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?"
"Pop" goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmnck/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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My friend was taken to Hospital believing he was a horse...

... Hes now thankfully in a stable condition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmn7l/my_friend_was_taken_to_hospital_believing_he_was/
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Google didn't fail to inform about Google+ data breach.

They posted it on Google+ but no one saw it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmlhd/google_didnt_fail_to_inform_about_google_data/
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The Indians, Braves, and Redskins lost yesterday.

Yesterday was Columbus Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mml3t/the_indians_braves_and_redskins_lost_yesterday/
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Why does a Moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?

Because it's a little meteor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmktu/why_does_a_moon_rock_taste_better_than_an_earth/
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COMPETITIVE SPIRIT

Judge: What made you go to the prison?
Criminal: Competition, Sir!
Judge: Competition?
Criminal: Yes, Sir, I made the same coins as the government did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmkmk/competitive_spirit/
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Dad:- well jimmy i am gonna tell you something which may break your heart but i have to tell you anyway.

Jimmy:- you can tell me dad.
Dad:- jimmy;  actually you are adopted.
Jimmy:- its okay dad, you have given me enough love. I never needed anyone else.
Dad:-  no jimmy ......
get ready you are adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmk52/dad_well_jimmy_i_am_gonna_tell_you_something/
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How many nihilists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Does it matter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmjwk/how_many_nihilists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Where do skeleton gladiators fight?

In the Calseum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmjvq/where_do_skeleton_gladiators_fight/
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You ever hear about that time Rodney Dangerfield played World of Warcraft

No respec

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmhkm/you_ever_hear_about_that_time_rodney_dangerfield/
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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Blackbeard, you have won an all-expenses-paid 3 month Caribbean cruise! Please send your credit card information and social security number to enter a sweepstakes for the greatest treasure in the West Indies! Regards, Pedro de Alvarado, Spanish Empire Sales Representative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmh4z/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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2 Black teens enroll in Harvard. 1 studies to be a Medical Doctor, the other studies to be a lawyer. If becoming a doctor takes 4 years of class and 3 years of residency and becoming lawyer takes 1 years less of school then which one....

.... will get shot in a routine traffic stop first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmg29/2_black_teens_enroll_in_harvard_1_studies_to_be_a/
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What’s green and smells like pork?

Kermit the frogs finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmfqb/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
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Heard something on NPR that made me come up with this joke....What do you call it when the President can send you to war but you can't vote for the President?

Puerto Rico.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mmc8h/heard_something_on_npr_that_made_me_come_up_with/
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If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in USA ..

He will be rolling in his grave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mm7qz/if_snoop_dogg_dies_before_pot_becomes_legal_in_usa/
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Why don't rednecks reverse cowgirl?

They never turn their back on family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mm6rn/why_dont_rednecks_reverse_cowgirl/
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An old cowboy from Texas recently heard that Alaska was the largest state

So he decided to uproot himself and move up to Alaska, to toss away the moniker of a cowboy and become a real Alaskan. He sold everything he owned, drove up to Alaska, and purchased some property.
After living there for a while, he knew he wasn’t quite an Alaskan, so he trekked down to the local bar to get some advice.
He arrives, sits down at the bar, and orders some whiskey. A handful of drinks in, he tells the bartender his story, and asks him what he needs to do to become an Alaskan.
“Okay pal, to become an Alaskan, you need to do two things. First thing you need to do is shoot a polar bear. Then you gotta screw an Eskimo.”
The former cowboy downs his last bit of whiskey, and says “That’s no problem at all!” and rushes out the door.
Three hours later, he comes back into the bar. His coat is torn to shreds, and he’s a bloody mess. He stumbles up to the bartender and asks “Now where’s that Eskimo I’m supposed to shoot?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mm6ma/an_old_cowboy_from_texas_recently_heard_that/
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The Milky Way experienced a cosmic fender-bender with a dwarf galaxy 500 million years ago.

It was the ultimate slow-down of ultimate density.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mm2ju/the_milky_way_experienced_a_cosmic_fenderbender/
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A recent study shows that 6 out of 7 persons affected with dwarfism are not happy.

They are grumpy, sleepy, dopey, bashful, sneezy and doc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mm0yi/a_recent_study_shows_that_6_out_of_7_persons/
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A man is struggling to pick up women at the Beach

[short]   He consults his friend, who tells him, “Dude, women are into the bulge!   Put a potato in your bathing suit, and the ladies will be flocking to you!”
After trying it out a few days later, he finds his friend on the beach, and angrily asks, “What the hell am I doing wrong?  The ladies look repulsed and they’re laughing at me.. is this some kind of joke?”
To which his friend replied, “The potato goes in the front, not the back”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mlww3/a_man_is_struggling_to_pick_up_women_at_the_beach/
%
So What if I Don't Know What Armageddon Means.

Its not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mluff/so_what_if_i_dont_know_what_armageddon_means/
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My Indian neighbors just opened a meat market

It’s a new deli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mludf/my_indian_neighbors_just_opened_a_meat_market/
%
You think you’re a true fan of the Sex Pistols?

Name two of their albums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mlp2n/you_think_youre_a_true_fan_of_the_sex_pistols/
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Donald Trump arrives in Paris on a state visit

At the Bois de Boulogne, he and French President Emmanuel Macron get into an open carriage for an afternoon ride around the park.
Suddenly, one of the horses pulling the carriage lets out a tremendous, yuge fart, and the resulting stench drifts backwards into the faces of the occupants of the carriage, who hold their noses.
After the smell passes, Donald Trump says rather smugly; "Well, I guess there's some things even a young, sexy president can't control!"
Macron nods, replying; "Thank you, Monsieur le President, for your honesty; until you owned up I thought it was the horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mlgh9/donald_trump_arrives_in_paris_on_a_state_visit/
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What do cannibals call people with Parkinson’s?

Shake ‘n’ bake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mldij/what_do_cannibals_call_people_with_parkinsons/
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What is the difference between and snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mld5l/what_is_the_difference_between_and_snowman_and_a/
%
Palindromes

Racecar backwards is racecar!
Racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mlae8/palindromes/
%
The Redskins are currently getting destroyed on MNF

Wouldn't be the first time they got destroyed on Columbus Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ml8c1/the_redskins_are_currently_getting_destroyed_on/
%
A reporter asks Tiger Woods, "How many wives have you had?"

He says, "do you mean my own or other people's?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ml88c/a_reporter_asks_tiger_woods_how_many_wives_have/
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A man walks into a doctor's office...

He drops his pants and bends over the table to show the doctor his asshole, which is red, inflamed, and about 15 inches wide.
"Good God, man!" cries the doctor. "What happened to you?"
"Well," the man explains. "I was on safari, and I got really drunk, and I ended up having sex with a bull elephant."
"That's terrible," replies the doctor. "Though correct me if I'm wrong, but I always thought that an elephant's penis was very long, but also very narrow."
"That's right, doctor," says the man. "But he fingered me first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ml7of/a_man_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
%
I learned a new move in fencing class today.

Riposte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ml6vt/i_learned_a_new_move_in_fencing_class_today/
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I genuinely just copied and pasted this off the weight watchers website...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ml6ha/this_site_uses_cookies_to_ensure_you_get_the_best/
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When I was young, I thought that cops never had to abide by the laws. Then I grew up, and I learned that it wasn’t true.

Then I grew up some more and learned that I was right all along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ml552/when_i_was_young_i_thought_that_cops_never_had_to/
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What do cannibals call people with cerebral palsy?

Meals-on-wheels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ml4jr/what_do_cannibals_call_people_with_cerebral_palsy/
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How to die from falling down the stairs:

Step 1,
Step 2,
Step 4,
Step 9,
Step 22,
Step 23,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ml4gj/how_to_die_from_falling_down_the_stairs/
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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ml4f7/when_a_stripper_gets_money_that_definitely_has/
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What did the baby corn say to mommy corn, when she couldn't find her father?

"Where's popcorn?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ml0hg/what_did_the_baby_corn_say_to_mommy_corn_when_she/
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mkz78/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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What's the best thing about being paranoid?

You're always the talk of the town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mkrfm/whats_the_best_thing_about_being_paranoid/
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My wife just told me, “Don’t get upset when someone calls you fat.”

“You’re much bigger than that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mkqe4/my_wife_just_told_me_dont_get_upset_when_someone/
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[OC] My wife was trying to convince me that, one day, we'll all be making phone calls and sending text messages from wrist-mounted devices.

This made me upset. I exclaimed "not on my watch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mkp62/oc_my_wife_was_trying_to_convince_me_that_one_day/
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When is a turkey scary?

When it's a goblin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mk4u7/when_is_a_turkey_scary/
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Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mk1ys/why_cant_your_nose_be_12_inches_long/
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A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says "no" it'll shrink 5 inches.

Once he found it, he says, "Will you marry me?", but the frog says "No".
It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, "Will you marry me?"
"NO!", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 would be perfect and he'd ask one more time.
"Will you marry me?"
The frog responds, "How many times do I have to tell you?! NO! NO! NO!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mjxh9/a_man_had_a_25_inch_dick_and_wanted_it_smaller_so/
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What kind of rooms do ghosts avoid?

Living rooms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mjun2/what_kind_of_rooms_do_ghosts_avoid/
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult for the couple to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, while his wife planned to fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter of her email address, and sent the email without realizing his error.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from family and friends.
But after reading her very first email, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
*To: My Loving Wife*
*Subject: I’ve Arrived*
*Date: 21 February 2018*
*I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.*
*I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.*
*P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mjsxl/a_minneapolis_couple_decided_to_go_to_florida_to/
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What noise does a cat make going down the highway?

Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mjnoh/what_noise_does_a_cat_make_going_down_the_highway/
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An old lady Offers the bus driver some peanuts to which he happily eats....

Every five minutes she gives him more peanuts…
Driver: why don't you eat them yourself?
Old lady: I can't chew I have no teeth look!
Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old lady: Oh I just like the chocolate around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mjkql/an_old_lady_offers_the_bus_driver_some_peanuts_to/
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Two doctors are having sex

He says to her, "You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after."
She replies, "Well you must be an anesthetist,  because I didn't feel a fucking thing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mjjsq/two_doctors_are_having_sex/
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3 guys walk into a bar

The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The  third guy "I have got the smallest dick in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness Book of World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have the smallest arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have  the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the FUCK is JUSTIN BEIBER?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mjj48/3_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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Apparently Newton wasn't the first to invent calculus, it was Leibniz.

So Newton's work was merely derivative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mjj3a/apparently_newton_wasnt_the_first_to_invent/
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Spent a solemn day sitting by the wife's grave yesterday

She doesn't know it yet, she still thinks it's a fish pond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mjfim/spent_a_solemn_day_sitting_by_the_wifes_grave/
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I bumped into an old school friend at the store today.

He started showing off, talking about his well-paid job and expensive sports cars.
Then he pulled out his phone and showed me a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optometrist.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mjdza/i_bumped_into_an_old_school_friend_at_the_store/
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Parents: Got any A’s this semester

Me: Go Fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mjcic/parents_got_any_as_this_semester/
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A cop sees a man walking a penguin on the street

The cop stops him and says
"Hey, you can't have that animal out here in public! Take it to the zoo where it belongs."
The man says " Sure no problem officer."
The next day the cop is standing on the same spot and sees the same guy walk by with the same penguin.  He gets real mad and goes up to the guy and says. "What do you think you are doing here man? I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man says, "I did, and today we're going to the art museum. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mjb2y/a_cop_sees_a_man_walking_a_penguin_on_the_street/
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I got pulled over by the police yesterday

I was a bit nervous and a little flustered, so the policeman thought I was under the influence.
He gave me a breath test, which I passed, but he was still not convinced.
He then called in the sniffer dog, and when it arrived it promptly had a good sniff inside my vehicle.
"Look here son", the policeman said to me, sternly. "This dog is telling me you have drugs on you"
I looked at him, dead in the eye and said "mate, you're the one with the talking dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mj7d8/i_got_pulled_over_by_the_police_yesterday/
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A man just won the lottery

A man goes home to his wife and says “Honey I just won the lottery, start packing!”
The wife says “That’s great news! What should I pack”
The husband responds “I don’t care just get the fuck out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mj13i/a_man_just_won_the_lottery/
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Did you know you can't run in campgrounds?

You can only ran, because it's past tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mitr5/did_you_know_you_cant_run_in_campgrounds/
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I don't know why you have to tailgate me when I'm already going 55 in a 35. And by the way, for the record

Those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mistk/i_dont_know_why_you_have_to_tailgate_me_when_im/
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If you don't pay your exorcist

You may get repossessed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9miq0j/if_you_dont_pay_your_exorcist/
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A young man meets an old man on the golf course...

They play a few holes together and get to the 5th green which sits right next to a road. As the old guy is about to hit his putt a funeral procession slowly drives by.
The old man steps away from his ball, takes off his hat and lowers his head for a moment.
Then he steps back up to his ball and hits his putt.
The young man then says "I admire your respect for the dead"
Then old man answers back "well we were married for 42 years it's the least I could do"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mimg3/a_young_man_meets_an_old_man_on_the_golf_course/
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Scientists were divided over the effects of the changes in the earth's magnetic field.

They were polarized!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9miiro/scientists_were_divided_over_the_effects_of_the/
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Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?

Because you need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9miii5/why_are_reposts_always_upvoted_more_than_original/
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What do you call being fired from a candy shop?

Sweet relief

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mifz6/what_do_you_call_being_fired_from_a_candy_shop/
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Sitting on your hand for 10 minutes before an exam...

will make it feel like someone else is ruining your future

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mibvk/sitting_on_your_hand_for_10_minutes_before_an_exam/
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Did you guys hear about the circus fire?

It was in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mi5xq/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_circus_fire/
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Did you know that diarrhoea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mhwtp/did_you_know_that_diarrhoea_is_hereditary/
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How do lesbians sound?

Muffled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mhvyc/how_do_lesbians_sound/
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3 kids were making cookies but they didn't have chocolate chips

Instead they used BBs.  They ate the cookies and didn't think anything more of it.
The next day the first child went to the bathroom and came running to their mother. Mommy mommy! I have BBs in my poop!
The second child went to the bathroom and came running out screaming. Mommy mommy I have BBs in my poop.
Later in the day the third child runs up Mommy Mommy!
Mother replies...let me guess...you have BBs in your poop?
Child: No! I farted and I shot the dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mhvau/3_kids_were_making_cookies_but_they_didnt_have/
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Why can't you tell secrets to Kurt Cobain?

Because he's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mhva2/why_cant_you_tell_secrets_to_kurt_cobain/
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How many Socialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but when it inevitably fails, they will be sure to inform us it wasn't a real light bulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mhrcs/how_many_socialists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Why did the CPU kill the operating system?

It was executing instructions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mhq2x/why_did_the_cpu_kill_the_operating_system/
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A guy buys a ticket to the Superbowl but is up in the very top seats but can't see very well ...

... and after watching for a quarter, notices ONE seat way down near the field on the 50 yard line that has been empty the entire quarter and so he decides to try to sneak down and sit in the seat ....
When he gets there the man in the next seat notices his apprehension and says, "Don't worry, it's empty.  I have seasons tickets and that's my seat but you can sit there."
The guys thanks the man and says, "... but I have to ask, why is it empty?"
"Well," says the man, "It's actually my wife's but she passed away recently."
"I'm so sorry, says the first man."  And then after a minute adds, "... but why didn't you sell the ticket?  You could have got a lot of money."
To which the other replies, "No.  I just wouldn't seem right selling her ticket."
The first man nods, and after a minute says, "... but you could've brought a friend or relative..."
To which the first man replies, "Nope.  They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mhox7/a_guy_buys_a_ticket_to_the_superbowl_but_is_up_in/
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well, dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
To which she replies:
"Only when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mhlq2/a_police_officer_pulls_over_a_speeding_car_the/
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Father O'Malley decides that he wants to skip out on confession duty to play some golf ...

... so he asks his new assistant if he'll man the confession booth for the morning ....
The assistant says, "I'm not a priest and I don't know anything about taking confessions or what sort of penance to give people!"
So Father O'Malley says, "It's easy.  Just sit and listen.  And when they're done talking just assign them whatever penance you want.  If you're not sure, just ask an altar boy and they can help you out."
So, the assistant enters the confessional and waits.  Finally a man comes in and confesses that he's stolen money from his employer.  Unsure what to do the assistant opens the door of the booth slightly and says, "Pssst!" to get the attention of an altar boy nearby and then asks, "Boy, what penance does Father O'Malley give someone for stealing?"
The kid says, "5 Hail Marys" and so the assistant nods and assigns the penance.
A few minutes later a man comes in and confesses that he has committed adultery.
Again, the assistant opens the door, gets the attention of the altar boy and says, "Boy, what does Father O'Malley give someone for committing adultery?"
The boy says, "Have them say the Rosary."  The assistant closes the door and assigns the penance.
A few minutes later a woman enters the confession booth and confesses she has performed oral sex on her boyfriend.
The assistant again gets the attention of the altar boy and says, "Boy, what does Father O'Malley give someone for performing oral sex?"
The altar boy thinks for a second and says, "Usually a quarter, but sometimes a Snickers bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mhlje/father_omalley_decides_that_he_wants_to_skip_out/
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Apparently I was supposed to wait until October 31st to dress up like a ghost.

Guess I spook too soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mhlhn/apparently_i_was_supposed_to_wait_until_october/
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My crush said I'm like a brother to her...

I decided to take her on a vacation to Alabama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mhksc/my_crush_said_im_like_a_brother_to_her/
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Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?

Because you need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mhhrr/why_are_reposts_always_upvoted_more_than_original/
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A man gets tired of the rat race and decides to join a monastery...

...
On his first day the Monsignor tells him, "Brother, to be a monk here you must take a vow of silence that will only allow you to speak two words every 10 years.  Do you consent?"
The man agrees and is assigned various duties to perform along with his meditations and such.
After 10 years the Monsignor calls him in and says, "You've been with us 10 years now, would you like to say two words?"
The monk replies, "Cold food."  The monsignor nods and dismisses the monk to return to his duties.
After 10 more years the Monsignor calls him in and says, "You've been  with us 20 years now, would you like to say two  more words?"
The monk replies, "Hard bed."  The monsignor nods and dismisses the monk to return to his duties.
After 10 more years the Monsignor calls him in and says, "Brother, you've been with us 30 years now, would you like to say two words?"
The monk replies, "I QUIT." ... to which the Monsignor responds, "Well, it doesn't surprise me - you've been complaining ever since you got here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mhha3/a_man_gets_tired_of_the_rat_race_and_decides_to/
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My girlfriend asked how do I view lesbian relationships...

Apparently 1080p wasn't the best answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mha8m/my_girlfriend_asked_how_do_i_view_lesbian/
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I was just reading that there’s going to be a merger between YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook. Have you heard about this?

Apparently the new company will be called YouTwitFace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mh8lf/i_was_just_reading_that_theres_going_to_be_a/
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Delete any emails that you get from Hormel Foods

They're most likely spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mh6kq/delete_any_emails_that_you_get_from_hormel_foods/
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I have practiced everything until perfection, but nobody seems to notice

Don't misunderstand me. My pickpocketing has improved, but nobody seems to notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mh5pa/i_have_practiced_everything_until_perfection_but/
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Why are there no Anti-Vaxxers serving on StarTrek’s Enterprise?

Because it’s set in the future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mh005/why_are_there_no_antivaxxers_serving_on_startreks/
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What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mgyqi/whats_the_difference_between_a_seal_and_a_sea_lion/
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Why was Trump unable to hang himself?

It was fake noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mgxl8/why_was_trump_unable_to_hang_himself/
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I hate when people call me a grammar nazi

I'm a member of the alt write!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mgx4w/i_hate_when_people_call_me_a_grammar_nazi/
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A reddit user goes to order a foot long sandwich...

The sandwich maker asks, "What would you like on your sandwich?"
The user says, "Oh, I like anything on a sub, except for mayonnaise and reposts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mgwwv/a_reddit_user_goes_to_order_a_foot_long_sandwich/
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Two farmers meet in the middle of a field

One farmer says to the other
“what are you doin with that chicken wire”
He responds “well I’m gonna go into town and get me a chicken”
“You can’t get no chicken with a chicken wire” responds the farmer
And sure enough the next day the farmer came back with a truck load of chickens
Several days later the farmer showed up with a bull frog
“What are you doin with a bull frog?”
“Well I’m gonna go to town and get me a bull!”
“You can’t get no bull with a bullfrog”
And sure enough the next day the farmer came back with a full sized bull
Several days pass and the farmers meet again
“What do ya got today” says the farmer
“I got me some pussywillows”
“Hold on” says the other farmer
“Let me get my coat”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mgwtm/two_farmers_meet_in_the_middle_of_a_field/
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Did you hear about the terrorist who was charged for putting a pound of C4 into a steer?

Abombinabull!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mgwrj/did_you_hear_about_the_terrorist_who_was_charged/
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If we talk about reading like we talk about drugs....

it would be a whole different story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mgw5j/if_we_talk_about_reading_like_we_talk_about_drugs/
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Survey About Sex and Happiness

Years ago, I did a simple survey.  Basically, I was trying to determine how the frequency of sexual intercourse correlates to happiness.  I went to my college campus and started observing people.  I saw a woman who looked somewhat unhappy, so I asked "how often do you have sex?" and she said "once a month".  A few minutes later, I asked another woman who seemed somewhat happy, so I asked "how often do you have sex?" and she replied "once a week".  Feeling like my theory was getting somewhere, I felt good about my survey.  Out of the blue, I saw this guy riding a bicycle and he was laughing uncontrollably.  I caught up to him and just had to ask him.  "Sir, how often do you have sex?"  He replied "once a year".  Astonished, I said "but if you only have sex once a year, how come you are so happy right now?"
He exclaimed "it's happening tonight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mgw2m/survey_about_sex_and_happiness/
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What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?

I,I,R,C,C,C,C,C,C,C
Why? Well, let me say it another way...
Aye-aye, Arrr and the seven seas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mgvca/what_are_the_10_letters_of_the_pirate_alphabet/
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I always wear a Seattle Seahawks jersey during tests

Because I know I’ll pass when I shouldn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mgt1p/i_always_wear_a_seattle_seahawks_jersey_during/
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A mother always wakes up to a cup of coffee from her small child

A mother always wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 5 year old son. It is always the most bitter, disgusting coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her son to feel like he made something his mommy loved. At first he just made it because he loves her. Eventually he started adding his own special ingredient. At the bottom of every cup, there was always a small green army man. This went on for a couple weeks when the mother finally asked
“Honey, why do you keep putting your toys in my coffee?”
The boy replied “I’m just doing what it says on the tv.”
Confused, the mother asks, “what does it say on the tv?”
Then the boy sings in an incredibly off-tune voice
“The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mgsbj/a_mother_always_wakes_up_to_a_cup_of_coffee_from/
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A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mgrr3/a_new_navy_recruit_has_his_first_day_on_the/
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A beardless knight was paying court to a queen.

The queen asks the knight whether he had fathered any children.
The knight answered that he was indeed childless, to which the queen responded :
' I do not doubt your words for a moment, for it is easy to judge from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good '
The Knight was embarrassed, but he wasn't going to go down easy . He then asked the queen, whether there was any hair between her legs. The Queen replied explicitly that there wasn't, to which the Knight responded:
' I do indeed believe you, for grass does not grow on a well beaten path'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mgk81/a_beardless_knight_was_paying_court_to_a_queen/
%
There was this world famous painter

In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank Heavens I'm not a proctologist.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mggou/there_was_this_world_famous_painter/
%
So Bert says to Ernie, “Hey Ernie, would you like some ice cream?”

And Ernie says, “Sure Bert!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mgg45/so_bert_says_to_ernie_hey_ernie_would_you_like/
%
What's 2 x 2?

Mathematician : 4
Physicist : 4.0
Statistician : 4 with an error of 0.1 either way
Engineer : about 4 but I'll say 6 to be on the safe side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mg725/whats_2_x_2/
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How many people did the Islamic suicide bomber intend to kill?

Allah them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mg69b/how_many_people_did_the_islamic_suicide_bomber/
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How did Columbus greet the Native Americans when he first landed in the Americas?

With new diseases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mg5v9/how_did_columbus_greet_the_native_americans_when/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mg3di/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Why do girls travel in groups of three

Cause they can’t even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mg221/why_do_girls_travel_in_groups_of_three/
%
What is a synonym for the Holy Trinity?

The divine threesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mg174/what_is_a_synonym_for_the_holy_trinity/
%
How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mfy5k/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
%
Where do spies sleep?

undercover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mfx7k/where_do_spies_sleep/
%
How do you throw a party for an alien ?

You have to planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mfwh3/how_do_you_throw_a_party_for_an_alien/
%
What did the letter "O" say to the letter "Q"?

"Bro your dick is hanging out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mfsa3/what_did_the_letter_o_say_to_the_letter_q/
%
Wife cooking

My wife was in the kitchen this morning cooking me bacon, sausage, eggs, hash browns and toast when I suddenly heard a loud 'thud.' Running in, I found her lying on the floor & not breathing. I was in a frenzy, I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered, Denny's has the Grand Slam for $3.99.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mfpwi/wife_cooking/
%
My deaf girlfriend told me she was re-evaluating our relationship

That was not a good sign

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mfp1k/my_deaf_girlfriend_told_me_she_was_reevaluating/
%
My friend gave me the phone number for an Anger Management Counselor the other day

I admit, I lost it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mfor1/my_friend_gave_me_the_phone_number_for_an_anger/
%
Crumpled

up
Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?
"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mfk4c/crumpled/
%
What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards in a line?

A receding hare line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mfjha/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_rabbits_walking/
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During her time in the US, the Queen of England was given a tour of a hospital

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my Goodness!" screamed the Queen. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the Queen.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, she screamed, "Goodness Gracious! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same condition, better health plan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mfh9w/during_her_time_in_the_us_the_queen_of_england/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

and orders a rum and coke. The bartender tells they guy "coming right up" and reaches behind the bar, then places an apple in front of the guy. Confused the guy asks "what's this, an apple? I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender says "trust me take a bite". Reluctently the guy takes a bite. To his amazement he proclaims "wow this tastes EXACTLY like rum!" The bartender tells him to turn the apple around. Sure enough the guy turns the apple around takes a bite and says "wow this tastes just like coke!" and is satisfied. A couple minutes later a lady walks in and the same thing happens: she orders a gin and tonic, the bartender gives her an apple, one side tastes like gin she turns the apple around and the other tastes like tonic. Finally a third guy walks in and before he has a chance to order a drink the other two stop him saying "wait, before you order this bartender has any flavor you want in apple form". "ANY flavor I want!?" Asks the guy to the bartender. "ANY flavor you want" the bartender says. Being a smartass the guy says "ok then, I want an apple that tastes like pussy, you got that!?" The bartender with a smirk on his face says "do I have an apple that tastes like pussy" as he reaches behind the bar and places an apple in front of the guy. So as everyone watches the guy takes a bite "what the fuck is this, this apple tastes like shit!" The bartender says "turn the apple around".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mfehr/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What does a blanket yell when it falls off the bed?

Oh sheet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mfdcs/what_does_a_blanket_yell_when_it_falls_off_the_bed/
%
Relationships should be like Nintendo 64 classic...

Fun to spend time with and every issue fixed by blowing and shoving it back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mfc1y/relationships_should_be_like_nintendo_64_classic/
%
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One's a superhero and the other is a simple command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mf8ez/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
Why did the Indian restaurant in Dallas have al fresco seating?

Because Texas is an open curry state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mf383/why_did_the_indian_restaurant_in_dallas_have_al/
%
What do you call lice on a bald guy?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mf1qd/what_do_you_call_lice_on_a_bald_guy/
%
What's a foot long and slippery?

A SLIPPER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mf1o5/whats_a_foot_long_and_slippery/
%
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mf1cz/a_new_navy_recruit_has_his_first_day_on_the/
%
At my best friend's funeral service rn, I brought his favorite Beyblade to battle against mine one last time, in front of everyone.

I was hesistant to do it at first, but I just got a reaffirming note from his mom saying:
"Steven, for God's sake, just let him RIP!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mezyk/at_my_best_friends_funeral_service_rn_i_brought/
%
My friends keep telling me I’m on the autism spectrum...

...I can never tell if they’re joking or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9meyn7/my_friends_keep_telling_me_im_on_the_autism/
%
Did you know lactose intolerance is a genetic thing?

Runs in the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mesii/did_you_know_lactose_intolerance_is_a_genetic/
%
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?

Coach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mepwd/what_do_you_call_a_white_guy_surrounded_by_5/
%
If A is for Apples and B is for Bananas, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9meovj/if_a_is_for_apples_and_b_is_for_bananas_what_is_c/
%
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mejvt/did_you_hear_about_the_semicolon_that_broke_the/
%
I have Bi-Polaroid Disorder

All that comes out of me is negatives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9meboj/i_have_bipolaroid_disorder/
%
The man with a hay fetish, charged with public indecency due to his acts performed in a barn...

...is released on bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9me9kx/the_man_with_a_hay_fetish_charged_with_public/
%
My middle aged friend is completely broke, and is going out with a girl less than half his age.

She thinks of him as her sugar-free daddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9me2ne/my_middle_aged_friend_is_completely_broke_and_is/
%
Why is there airconditioning in hospitals?

To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9me1ni/why_is_there_airconditioning_in_hospitals/
%
Where can you get gas for a $1.49?

Taco Bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mdzif/where_can_you_get_gas_for_a_149/
%
An Amish family takes a day off to visit New York City

.
They drive their wagon all the way into Time Square because they want to find a hotel with a room overlooking all of the cool sights they have never seen. The husband drops his wife and kids off at the front door of a super fancy hotel and he drives off to go look for a parking spot.
His wife is enamored with everything she is experiencing. There are blinking lights, and giant advertisements and so many sounds she has never heard. She eventually heads toward the hotel lobby and is startled by the doors that open automatically as soon as she walks near.
In the lobby she notices there are so many machines that do seemingly magical things! She sees a few people approach a machine, put a cup underneath and press a button, and it fills the cup with steaming hot coffee. She thinks to herself, ‘I’ve gotta try this.’ So she walks up to the machine, inserts a cup, and presses the button. Sure enough, there’s hot delicious coffee.
She also sees a machine where you put in a few quarters and it gives you a pre-packaged snack or soda. She is in awe, so she tries it. After a few dollars and pressing a few buttons, she has a coke and a bag of cookies. She can’t believe how awesome this place is! To her, it seems like they have a machine that can do anything.
After getting a room, the person at the front desk points her and her kids toward the elevators. Having no idea what they do, but too embarrassed to say, she walks over and decides to watch and see what happens.
Yet again, to her surprise, this machine seems to do the impossible.
As she watches, a frail 80 year old man presses the button, and with his cane, he walks through the open doors into the little room. The doors shut and she is left waiting to see what happens. 30 seconds later, a 25 year old, buff and gorgeous man walks out of the little room.
The woman looks to her son and says, “I think I know what this does. Go get your father.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mdz31/an_amish_family_takes_a_day_off_to_visit_new_york/
%
God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."
Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"
God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess you are stuck with the multiple orgasms then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mdy33/god_summons_adam_and_eve_as_he_would_like_to/
%
Time flies like an arrow

Fruit flies like a banana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mdx5e/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the lawyer's office

Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable."
Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable... I said she was fucking Goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mdwyy/mickey_and_minnie_mouse_are_in_the_lawyers_office/
%
Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise

: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed.
He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mdtve/mr_johnsons_wife_of_50_years_suggested_they_take/
%
Teacher asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Chris says, "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200 ft yacht, an infinite visa card and I wanna shag her 3 times a day..."
The teacher, in shock, ignores the boy and turns to little Nancy and asks, "What about you dear?"
"I wanna be Chris's bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mdt5n/teacher_asks_the_kids_in_class_what_do_you_want/
%
A man is eating at a restaurant.

A man is eating at a quiet restaurant. In his moment of joy from incredibly tasty food he rips out a huge fart. Really embarrassed, he starts dragging a chair next to him back and forth to simulate a fart noise.
A gentleman eating at the neighboring table says to him:
"It makes a totally different sound, doesn't it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mdqz0/a_man_is_eating_at_a_restaurant/
%
I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more

That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mdk9e/im_not_sure_what_shocked_my_mailman_more/
%
How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mdihu/how_did_jesus_stay_in_such_great_shape/
%
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting...

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mdi8i/a_vegan_said_to_me_people_who_sell_meat_are/
%
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?

Plastic Explosives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mdfuo/if_a_is_for_apple_and_b_is_for_banana_then_what/
%
My physicist girlfriend says I'm extremely attractive!

In the 'having enough mass to produce a strong field of gravity' kind of way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9md984/my_physicist_girlfriend_says_im_extremely/
%
"Optimist" is a person, who keeps his car's motor running...

...while his wife goes shopping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9md5z8/optimist_is_a_person_who_keeps_his_cars_motor/
%
What's the difference between AM and PM?

AM won't lie to the country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9md0yh/whats_the_difference_between_am_and_pm/
%
How do you tell a polician's mouth from his anus?

He will wipe his anus after it's done spewing shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mczy4/how_do_you_tell_a_policians_mouth_from_his_anus/
%
Before the internet…

…did people have to go to libraries to figure out how to do their job?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mcz4v/before_the_internet/
%
What's black, white, and red all over?

Police brutality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mcuri/whats_black_white_and_red_all_over/
%
Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mcu5l/regret_is_a_useless_emotion/
%
I always skip to the end whenever I watch new porn for the first time.

I don’t like getting involved with a story unless I know it has a happy ending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mctr6/i_always_skip_to_the_end_whenever_i_watch_new/
%
What instrument has no legs, but can still walk?

A bass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mcs7o/what_instrument_has_no_legs_but_can_still_walk/
%
What do you call motor oil from Cuba?

Fidel Castrol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mcric/what_do_you_call_motor_oil_from_cuba/
%
To the thief that stole my nasal decongestant

you’d better run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mcqgu/to_the_thief_that_stole_my_nasal_decongestant/
%
Doctor: It's okay to get an erection during a prostate exam.

Patient: But I don't have an erection...
Doctor: I do..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mclqr/doctor_its_okay_to_get_an_erection_during_a/
%
How does an Eskimo build a house ?

Igloos it together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mcasf/how_does_an_eskimo_build_a_house/
%
It's hard to believe Brett Kavanaugh is a judge.

It sounds like the guy's never been able to pass a bar in his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mc9fd/its_hard_to_believe_brett_kavanaugh_is_a_judge/
%
The Avatar is my dad.

He disappeared when I needed him most.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mc2wr/the_avatar_is_my_dad/
%
Do ants have dicks?

No, cuz if they did, they'd be uncles..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mc1zy/do_ants_have_dicks/
%
My girlfriend has asked me to be more of a gentlemen

In an effort to be a gentleman, I stood aside and held the door open for my girlfriend.
Two minutes later she said, “Can you please fuck off while I’m taking a shit?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mbx6k/my_girlfriend_has_asked_me_to_be_more_of_a/
%
When somebody tried to mug me, I raised my magnum...

But then I realized I was bringing an ice-cream to a gunfight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mbwsx/when_somebody_tried_to_mug_me_i_raised_my_magnum/
%
Why did the obstetrician quit her job at age of 35?

She was having a midwife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mbwkg/why_did_the_obstetrician_quit_her_job_at_age_of_35/
%
I smoked up last night and couldn't stop falling over.

It was Tumbleweed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mbski/i_smoked_up_last_night_and_couldnt_stop_falling/
%
I'm not to thrilled with our solar system

I rate it one star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mbrss/im_not_to_thrilled_with_our_solar_system/
%
New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.
Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mbpmc/new_insect_species_discovered/
%
A guy was trying to sell me some old Egyptian monuments

It was a pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mbih4/a_guy_was_trying_to_sell_me_some_old_egyptian/
%
I ain't sayin she a gold digger

but she ain't messin with no art majors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mbi16/i_aint_sayin_she_a_gold_digger/
%
I'm trying to remember a good JFK joke for you guys...

But my mind is all over the place right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mbe69/im_trying_to_remember_a_good_jfk_joke_for_you_guys/
%
Wife asks her husband, how would you describe me?

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous, and Hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm Just Kidding”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mbdvh/wife_asks_her_husband_how_would_you_describe_me/
%
Why can't you make sidewalks out of mushrooms?

They're too easy to trip on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mbawy/why_cant_you_make_sidewalks_out_of_mushrooms/
%
We asked 100 women...

And got 1683 responses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mb9vl/we_asked_100_women/
%
The fall of communism could have been anticipated.

There were red flags everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mb8xl/the_fall_of_communism_could_have_been_anticipated/
%
Recently my Grandma has been coming up to me at weddings and saying “Soon it will be your turn!”

She didn’t appreciate it when I started saying the same thing to her at funerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mb8ib/recently_my_grandma_has_been_coming_up_to_me_at/
%
what do you call a mexican rambo

juan-man army

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mb8bj/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_rambo/
%
What happens when The Doctor goes back in time and meets himself?

A pair a docs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mb7gh/what_happens_when_the_doctor_goes_back_in_time/
%
A Woman is Sitting at Her Deceased Husbands Funeral...

A man leans in and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mb5yq/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
%
What is the difference between Yes and No?

Don’t worry, the Supreme Court doesn’t know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mb3fo/what_is_the_difference_between_yes_and_no/
%
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.

I'll let you know...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mb1m4/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_on_amazon_today/
%
Whats a Necromancer’s favorite kind of music?

Soul Trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mayud/whats_a_necromancers_favorite_kind_of_music/
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Job Interview: "What is your greatest weakness"

"Honesty"
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9maqro/job_interview_what_is_your_greatest_weakness/
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An old guy at Walmart told me this tonight (and acted like it was a true story)

“I was at the bar last night and as the night went on, this fat chick got up on the table and started dancing.  She moving all over on the table and finally I look up and tell her, “Nice legs!”  She’s like, “Thanks, you think?”  I reply, “Of course, otherwise the table would have collapsed by now!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9manhr/an_old_guy_at_walmart_told_me_this_tonight_and/
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Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9maml7/computer_idiots_warning_old/
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How do you know if a hippie has been to your house?

They’re still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9majpi/how_do_you_know_if_a_hippie_has_been_to_your_house/
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What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their biggest hit was the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mah9j/what_do_dale_earnhardt_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
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A man hits a duck with his car.

He's a responsible citizen, so he calls the cops and waits for them to arrive.
After reviewing the evidence, and conferring, the officers tell him, "You won't be charged with anything, but you will have to pick up the bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mafwt/a_man_hits_a_duck_with_his_car/
%
Will this fad of glass coffins continue?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mafrh/will_this_fad_of_glass_coffins_continue/
%
Both a Joke and a True Story

My girlfriend's middle name is Lee.
The other day we were discussing how we can't distinguish the difference between various English language describing words: verb, noun, pronoun, adjective etc.
She turns to me, deadpan, and says "I always remember adverb because I am one".
Confused, I look at her and just say "What?"
She says, "I'm Kaitlyn Lee" (Kaitlyn-ly)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9madm7/both_a_joke_and_a_true_story/
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My girlfriend told me to tell her parents a joke. I said, pull my finger and then shit all over myself. They didn't laugh.

Guess they don't get my self-defecating sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9mabdb/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_tell_her_parents_a_joke/
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its broom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9maag7/how_do_you_stop_canadian_bacon_from_curling_in/
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Why was the barbarian sad all the time?

He was a Goth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ma8om/why_was_the_barbarian_sad_all_the_time/
%
What did the caveman say to his mates?

"Want to go clubbing tonight?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ma7tl/what_did_the_caveman_say_to_his_mates/
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Exponentially

Ever since I learned the word Exponentially my use of the word Exponentially has increased a whole lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ma6am/exponentially/
%
Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ma277/why_are_frogs_always_so_happy/
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What did Ash say when he accidentally walked in on Misty changing?

Sorry, I wasn't trying to get a Pikachu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ma0wf/what_did_ash_say_when_he_accidentally_walked_in/
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A spice walks into a Jamaican bar...

A spice walks into a Jamaican bar, the bartender says in a thick Jamaican accent, "hey don't I recognize you from church?" The spice replies "no, I'm an atheist" The bartender exclaims "SINNA-MON"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m9wjt/a_spice_walks_into_a_jamaican_bar/
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Why are there laws against sex with animals?

That's not a rabbit hole we need to go into.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m9vk0/why_are_there_laws_against_sex_with_animals/
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The new CEO of a factory comes in to work.

The new CEO of a factory comes into work, determined to turn things around. He sees a man standing on the floor of a factory, not doing any work.
He goes up to the man and asks, “What do you think you’re doing?”
The man shrugs and replies, “Just hanging around. Waiting to get paid.”
The CEO gets angry and asks the man’s monthly salary. The man tells him it is $1,000. The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says, “Here’s your month salary. I pay people to work here not stand around and do nothing. Get out and never come back.”
The man takes the money and leaves.
The CEO turns to the other workers and says, “See that everyone? That’s how it’s going to be around here from now on.”
Suddenly a voice from the back shouts, "Uh, sir, that was the pizza delivery guy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m9ur0/the_new_ceo_of_a_factory_comes_in_to_work/
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A British tourist visits Australia. The customs officer asks him “do you have any criminal history?”

The tourist replies, “I didn’t know that was still required!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m9swu/a_british_tourist_visits_australia_the_customs/
%
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”
She said, “You pick.”
I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”
She said, “Sir, there are people in line behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m9pf3/yesterday_a_beautiful_girl_asked_me_if_i_wanted/
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Guy: You’re the most average girl at the party

Girl: Wow, you’re mean
Guy: No you are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m9nvv/guy_youre_the_most_average_girl_at_the_party/
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A man gets a facelift...

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!"
This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m9kdt/a_man_gets_a_facelift/
%
I just heard a joke about waterfalls

It was a pour joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m9gh5/i_just_heard_a_joke_about_waterfalls/
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That’s some asshole

A man was speeding down the highway, going far too fast. As he passes under a bridge, a state trooper flips on his lights and pulls him over.
Trooper: where are you going in such a hurry?
Driver: sorry officer, I’m on my way to my proctologist to have my asshole stretched.
Trooper: did you say “to have your asshole stretched?”
Driver: yes sir, it’s a medical procedure where they continually stretch your asshole until it’s about 6 feet wide
Trooper: what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?
Driver: apparently stick him under a bridge with a radar gun...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m9cnf/thats_some_asshole/
%
If my balls come out on the lottery...

It will spell the end of my career as a TV presenter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m9c07/if_my_balls_come_out_on_the_lottery/
%
A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.

“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”
“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.
Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.
He notices that the woman’s husband is pale as a ghost and visibly shaken. “What’s the matter with him?” he asks.
She answers, “We just got off of interstate 195.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m9aj0/a_police_officer_pulls_over_an_elderly_woman_on/
%
I was walking in a cemetery

this morning and seen a guy
hiding behind a gravestone. I said "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m9a4r/i_was_walking_in_a_cemetery/
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A man and his wife go back to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

As  the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife  asked the  husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you,  what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you  thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m99k6/a_man_and_his_wife_go_back_to_their_honeymoon/
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Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune  when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to  share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he  spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his  breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her,  “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his  large fortune.”
Impress, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m98wx/joe_was_a_single_guy_living_at_home_with_his/
%
Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?

A: She outgrew her B shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m98mx/q_why_did_ariel_wear_seashells/
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Did you know it's illegal to combine sea salt and iodized salt?

They call it aggregated a salt...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m9740/did_you_know_its_illegal_to_combine_sea_salt_and/
%
Just saw 3 guys in turbans driving with the top down

I guess they are 3 Sikhs to the wind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m96xf/just_saw_3_guys_in_turbans_driving_with_the_top/
%
My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m95kl/my_mother_used_to_tuck_me_in_every_night/
%
If you're looking for a slutty Halloween costume...

Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m948y/if_youre_looking_for_a_slutty_halloween_costume/
%
What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8zjr/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
I went to visit my uncle in prison, and I managed to lock my keys in the car.

I said to one of the guards "Is there anyone in there who can get them out for me?" he said "leave it with me" 10 minutes later he comes out with Reggie cuffed to his arm, I say to Reggie "can you help me out?" He says "No problem", he kneels down, picks up a brick and throws it through my fucking window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8y01/i_went_to_visit_my_uncle_in_prison_and_i_managed/
%
So a wolf comes to a village with three awfully farmilar houses

“Shalom” Says the Wolf
“Phew” Says the three little pigs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8xa6/so_a_wolf_comes_to_a_village_with_three_awfully/
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A very nervous man goes to his doctor

“Mr Wilson,” “the doctor says, “What seems to be the problem?”
“Well doc, a couple months ago I came home from work and caught my wife in bed with another man! In anger I took my gun and went to kill him, but he stopped me and said ‘Hey, hey, hey, come on now, there’s no need for that. Let’s sit down, have some coffee and really talk this out’. So we did that and he left.”
The doctor, though stunned, nods understandingly.
“Well...Mr. Wilson...I’m very sorry to hear this. I’m sure you may be concerned that something like this could have affected your blood pressure, or your heart...”
“Doc, that’s not it! About a month later I came home early from work and found my wife in bed with the same man! In a rage I took my gun and went to kill my wife! But again the man stopped me and said ‘Hey, hey, hey, come on now, there’s no need for that. Let’s sit down, have some coffee and really talk this out’. So we did and he left.”
The doctor is silent for a bit.
“Well Mr Wilson, with this kind of...problem,I’m certain a psychiatrist would be better able...”
“No Doc!” The man exclaimed, “that’s not it either!
Just yesterday I came home early from work and I caught her! Again! With the same man!
At my wits end I took my gun and went to kill myself! But the man stopped me and said ‘Hey, hey, hey, come on now, there’s no need for that. Let’s sit down, have some coffee and really talk this out’. So we did and he left.”
The doctor is completely flustered at this point.
“Mr Wilson, I’m confused! Why exactly did you come to me?”
“Well doc,” he said, nervously wringing his hands, “Is all of this coffee good for me?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8tst/a_very_nervous_man_goes_to_his_doctor/
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My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal and she kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8s6t/my_german_girlfriend_likes_to_rate_my_sexual/
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How much energy does it take to hit a vape?

1 juul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8qrq/how_much_energy_does_it_take_to_hit_a_vape/
%
Women call me ugly occasionally, but that's only until they hear how much money I make.

Then they call me poor AND ugly.
\-no joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8q7v/women_call_me_ugly_occasionally_but_thats_only/
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Every morning this week I've woken up to find a German shepherd having a shit in my garden.

Today, the cheeky bastards brought his dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8pu2/every_morning_this_week_ive_woken_up_to_find_a/
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Why don’t shrimp share their treasure?

Because they are shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8oql/why_dont_shrimp_share_their_treasure/
%
I had a surprise bukkake party for my wife last night

Everyone came. You should've seen her face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8omy/i_had_a_surprise_bukkake_party_for_my_wife_last/
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Parallel lines have so much in common...

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8om4/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
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My parents always told me when you fail try again while growing up,

And that's why I have a little sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8ogg/my_parents_always_told_me_when_you_fail_try_again/
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Have you heard Tom Holland's reaction to the end of Infinity War? ***Spoilers***

***Spoilers***
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He was blown away by it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8ocp/have_you_heard_tom_hollands_reaction_to_the_end/
%
My wife gave me an ultimatum

Either give up cross dressing or our marriage is over.
So I packed her clothes and left!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8ob1/my_wife_gave_me_an_ultimatum/
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My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.

The dentist shit himself, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8jpc/my_grandma_died_peacefully_93_in_the_chair_nice/
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How can you tell when you're in a bad strip club?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8jee/how_can_you_tell_when_youre_in_a_bad_strip_club/
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My friend bragged that he can suck his own dick

I can\`t believe that he\`s so full of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8ijs/my_friend_bragged_that_he_can_suck_his_own_dick/
%
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8g2f/personally_i_dont_believe_in_bros_before_hoes_or/
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Young cupple got married

On the morning the husbent says
I have one condition:
I eat 3 times a day in the morning at 7 am I want breakfast to be served either I'm here or not I want it to be served
At noon I want lunch at 12am  to be served either I'm here or not
And I also want dinner to be served at 8 pm either I'm here or not
To witch the wife responds:
Look I also have one condition I have sex 3 times a day either u are here or not 3 times a day
Eddit. English is not my native language and I hope I got the translation right witch also kills the punch line a bit but oh well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m8cna/young_cupple_got_married/
%
Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the hell out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m88tm/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
%
Someone asked why I keep a bunch of cheese in my pocket

I said it’s there in queso emergency

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m7si5/someone_asked_why_i_keep_a_bunch_of_cheese_in_my/
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What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?

A hockey player takes a shower after the 3rd period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m7pl6/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippie_chick_and_a/
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My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.

His exact words were, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m7lo9/my_boss_just_appointed_me_as_his_sexual_consultant/
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When created women

Adam went to god one day and said, "I feel really lonely, being the only person here"
God said to him "don't worry, I can create the most beautiful, loving, and trustworthy companion for you. They will be everything you ever wanted."
Adam asked "how much will that cost me?"
God replied "it will cost an arm and a leg."
Adam then asked God "what can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m7ht9/when_created_women/
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What's the best thing about buying a barrel of Conor Mcgregor's whiskey?

It's easy to tap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m7eyz/whats_the_best_thing_about_buying_a_barrel_of/
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A guy was walking through the woods at night with a young boy...

The boy was crying and screaming. They continue walking and the child starts screaming even louder.  Finally the guy say, "will you stop your crying I'm the one that has to walk back to the car by myself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m74ea/a_guy_was_walking_through_the_woods_at_night_with/
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A Spanish magician claims he will vanish on the count of three.

He starts: "Uno, dos..." And POOF! He disappears without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m71kx/a_spanish_magician_claims_he_will_vanish_on_the/
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A llama walks into her house to see her husband in bed with another llama

After a moment of intense silence, the husband gets up and says, "alpaca my bags."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m6z5c/a_llama_walks_into_her_house_to_see_her_husband/
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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet...

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy.
I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m6yhp/i_met_a_14_year_old_girl_on_the_internet/
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The conjoined twins got mad at me.

Apparently it's not OK to call them hipsters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m6ye0/the_conjoined_twins_got_mad_at_me/
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Smokin’ Old Ladies

Two ladies in their 80s, best friends Ethel and Delores, are smoking while enjoying each other’s company.
“Delores,” Ethel starts, “how do smoke regularly but your lips never chap or crack?”
“Well, I use these,” Delores responds as she pulls out a condom. She then cuts the tip of the condom off and slides it over the filter end of the cigarette and takes a deep puff from her cigarette. Delores continues, “with these condoms, I can smoke and not worry about my lips drying.”
Later that day, Ethel stops at her local pharmacy and asks for a condom.
Her pharmacist is shocked at this request as she has never known Ethel to ask for condoms in her 30 years being Ethel’s pharmacist.
“Ok...What size do you need?” asks the pharmacist.
“I don’t know,” begins Ethel, “do you have one large enough to fit a Camel?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m6sj9/smokin_old_ladies/
%
I ran a red light.

So I stopped at a green one to make up for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m6it7/i_ran_a_red_light/
%
A bear and a rabbit are shitting together in the woods.

As the bear is finishing up he says to the rabbit "does it stick to your fur when you shit?."  Thinking for a moment the rabbit then says "no, it doesnt." The bear then picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m6gye/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_shitting_together_in_the/
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I went to a Chinese restaurant that is open 24/7, 365 days of the year...

... the chef is a wokaholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m6g97/i_went_to_a_chinese_restaurant_that_is_open_247/
%
The US should make DC, Guam, and PR states.

53 is a prime number.
Then we would truly be 1 nation, indivisible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m6g65/the_us_should_make_dc_guam_and_pr_states/
%
Why does Karl Marx only drink Camomile tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m6ftw/why_does_karl_marx_only_drink_camomile_tea/
%
What do you get when you have Avogadro's number of donkeys?

Molasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m6ed0/what_do_you_get_when_you_have_avogadros_number_of/
%
A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest...

...and is nearly on top of him.  Just before the bear can pounce, time stops, freezing the animals in place.  Jesus steps out from behind a tree and tells the bear that if he spares the rabbit, he will grant each creature two wishes.  The bear agrees, and time resumes.  The bear says, "I wish I had the biggest penis that any bear ever had".  His wish is granted.  The rabbit says, "I wish I had a fully gassed up, brand new and ready to go Harley Davidson".  It appears.  The bear's second wish is that every bear on the planet is female except for him.  Jesus makes it so.  The rabbit smiles, jumps on the Harley and says "I wish the bear was gay", and rides off into the sunset.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m6e78/a_bear_is_chasing_a_rabbit_through_the_forest/
%
Dad?

My daughter: Dad, what does “gays” mean?
Me: Well, just like a boy and a girl can love each other, two men can also love each other.
My daughter: So what does “penetrating gays” mean?
Me: Umm, read me the sentence.
My daughter: ‘She stared at him with a penetrating gaze.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m6alz/dad/
%
Work ad: Russian matryoshka doll factory is looking for

a head manager, a manager, a junior manager, and an assistant junior manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m65wq/work_ad_russian_matryoshka_doll_factory_is/
%
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m60g1/what_did_communists_use_to_light_their_houses/
%
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m5wne/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
%
What do you call a band full of whales?

An ORCAstra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m5tba/what_do_you_call_a_band_full_of_whales/
%
What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?

Supplies!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m5t3w/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_came_out_of_the/
%
If you sit on the toilet 11:59pm and the clock strikes midnight

It’s the same shit different day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m5qtf/if_you_sit_on_the_toilet_1159pm_and_the_clock/
%
How come many couples don’t go to the gym together?

Because some relationships just don’t workout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m5lb6/how_come_many_couples_dont_go_to_the_gym_together/
%
A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.
However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.
During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the crew was gathered together, some of them would say random numbers.
"15" one ventured. A chuckle rolled around the room. Another responded by "23", and several crewmembers hid their faces in their hands, trying to get their breath back under control.
After a few instances of this, the newbie asks the First Mate what's so funny about these numbers.
The man replies "After working together for so many years, we all know each other's jokes by heart. So all we need to tell them is refer to their number".
The crewman nods, understanding the reason even if he's still a bit confused. He decides to try it out at the next meal.
"9", he says. No reaction. He decides to try again. "34" he says. Blank faces all around.
Frustrated, he asks "What the hell am I doing wrong? You all know these jokes by heart, right?".
Another crewman pipes up:
"Dude, your delivery is terrible".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m5jmj/a_sailor_has_just_signed_up_to_join_a/
%
Did you hear about the Alabaman who won the lottery?

I hear he's rolling inbred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m5ghj/did_you_hear_about_the_alabaman_who_won_the/
%
How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m5dbw/how_did_stephen_hawking_die/
%
Did you know that God is a conman?

He has made up the whole world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m59s7/did_you_know_that_god_is_a_conman/
%
Why do French tanks have rear mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m59jj/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_mirrors/
%
There was once this very pious man

He went to church every day to pray, ever since he was 5.
At 30 years old, he's been praying for the same thing for the past decade. All he wanted was a son. His life would finally be complete; all he needed was a son.
At the age of 35, the man began giving up. The priest in charge of the church gave up long ago on staying in the church until the man left, so he left early, letting the man keep praying past midnight.
The man was wondering, why was God so harsh? Why can't he have a child? But alas, he kept praying.
A few weeks later, it was 1am. He was all alone, in the church, all by himself. Suddenly, he noticed a white glow appearing in. Completely astonished, he realizes that it's nothing but an angel.
He gets on his knees and tilts his head downwards slightly in a motion of respect.
The angel speaks, in an echoing voice, "I have a message from God for you, oh pious man."
The man looks up, his smile as radiant as the angel and says, "Am I finally going to have a son?"
The angel sighs, then looks at him and says, "For Christ's sake lose your virginity before asking for a child, and get a wife. You ain't getting no Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m57yo/there_was_once_this_very_pious_man/
%
A baker was kneading some dough...

...and as he kneaded, he counted each fold, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve..."
The baker's wife interrupted, "You missed one there."
"No I didn't," replied the baker.  "I'm making uneleavened bread."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m57y7/a_baker_was_kneading_some_dough/
%
Kidnapping Congress

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
"We're going from car to car, collecting donations"
The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?"
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m571t/kidnapping_congress/
%
My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar

Yeah, like I'm falling for that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m54p7/my_brother_always_lies_today_he_finally_admitted/
%
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”
The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”
The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m54bt/a_nurse_a_doctor_and_an_antivaxxer_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a virgin daiquiri.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a virgin daiquiri too!"
He turns to her and says,
"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence," she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m53xl/a_chicken_farmer_goes_into_a_bar_takes_a_seat/
%
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage

She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.
I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m5266/the_therapist_asked_my_wife_why_she_wanted_to_end/
%
John F. Kennedy was only named "John Kennedy" during his lifetime...

They added the "F." after he died to pay respects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m4yb0/john_f_kennedy_was_only_named_john_kennedy_during/
%
Just got back from the Transformers convention

and boy are my arms tires.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m4ua6/just_got_back_from_the_transformers_convention/
%
When I was a boy..

My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that  now...
Too many fuckin' security cameras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m4tua/when_i_was_a_boy/
%
What do you call transgender superheroes?

X-Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m4sqr/what_do_you_call_transgender_superheroes/
%
The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m4p5b/the_most_dangerous_place_in_the_world_is_gunpoint/
%
I just started taking classes on sign language..

I gotta say, it's pretty handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m4o2o/i_just_started_taking_classes_on_sign_language/
%
Last night I made it to base 16

Had a lot of hex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m4lj0/last_night_i_made_it_to_base_16/
%
Why did the train driver run over the tourist?

He had a local-motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m4l0d/why_did_the_train_driver_run_over_the_tourist/
%
9/11 jokes aren't funny..

My uncle died in 9/11. But I take pride in knowing that he died doing what he loved. Flying planes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m4ji0/911_jokes_arent_funny/
%
How much storage does a skeleton have in his computer?

One terrorbyte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m4f0t/how_much_storage_does_a_skeleton_have_in_his/
%
So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!

For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m4e1v/so_much_has_changed_ever_since_my_girlfriend_told/
%
I was browsing through a section in the bookshop titled "Advertising for Idiots."

It said "Buy one and get a second one for the price of two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m47su/i_was_browsing_through_a_section_in_the_bookshop/
%
Knock, knock!

Who's there?
A broken pencil.
A broken pencil who?
Oh forget it, it is pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m434j/knock_knock/
%
The greatest Schrodinger punchline...

or maybe not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m429p/the_greatest_schrodinger_punchline/
%
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts

I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m3xtv/i_just_got_over_my_addiction_to_chocolate/
%
What's the kings favourite weather?

Hail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m3nky/whats_the_kings_favourite_weather/
%
A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery.
The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving?
The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m3n4o/a_man_is_walking_through_the_woods/
%
No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m3ite/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
What is the gender of Iron Man?

Fe Male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m3ia0/what_is_the_gender_of_iron_man/
%
It’s hardly surprising that 48 ‘no’s couldn’t stop Kavanaugh yesterday.

They didn’t stop him in 1982 either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m3den/its_hardly_surprising_that_48_nos_couldnt_stop/
%
How do skeletons reproduce?

They bone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m37gm/how_do_skeletons_reproduce/
%
Interviewer : So where do you see yourself in the next 5 years ?

Me : I would say my biggest weakness is not listening

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m37g4/interviewer_so_where_do_you_see_yourself_in_the/
%
Three Ks a day

Keeps the minorities away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m374t/three_ks_a_day/
%
I like my drinks like I like my children

Being responsible with them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m347b/i_like_my_drinks_like_i_like_my_children/
%
A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar

.
The bartender says, "The usual, Mrs. Clinton?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m31ap/a_political_assassin_a_cabinet_secretary_and_a/
%
What does the german snake say.

ßßßßßßß

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m2yxz/what_does_the_german_snake_say/
%
What do you call a tin emperor?

a Genghis Can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m2ytz/what_do_you_call_a_tin_emperor/
%
What do you call a bad dream about sausages?

Your wurst nightmare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m2x58/what_do_you_call_a_bad_dream_about_sausages/
%
"Son you're never going to be a successful mime"

Son: Was it something I said
Dad: Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m2wv7/son_youre_never_going_to_be_a_successful_mime/
%
Why can’t Peter Pan ever stop flying?

He come from neverland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m2uex/why_cant_peter_pan_ever_stop_flying/
%
Two alter boys are fishing...

Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy "Look at this big sum bitch!" The other alter boy says "You can't say that you're an alter boy" to which he explains "thats the name of the fish, sum bitch." "Wow, well that is a big sum bitch, lets go show it to the priest!"
The two boys run up to the priest yelling, "Priest look at this big sum bitch we caught!" Priest- "You boys can't talk like that you're alter boys!" Alter boys- "Priest thats the name of the fish, sum bitch" Priest- "Well that is a nice sum bitch, lets go catch some more of those sum bitches and show em to the cardinal!"
So the priest and the boys catch some more of those sum bitches and carry them to show the cardinal. "Cardinal, look at all these sum bitches we caught!" Cardinal- "I should have you all excommunicated for language like that!" Alter boys- "Well thats the name of the fish, sum bitch" Cardinal- "I never in my life have seen such a fine bunch of sum bitches, lets take them to the nuns and see if she'll cook up these sum bitches!"
So the alter boys, the priest and the cardinal go see the nun. "NUN! Can you cook up these sum bitches for us?!?!" Nun- "I aint cooking nothing if you boys are gonna talk like that!" Alter boys- "Nun thats the name of the fish, sum bitch!" Nun- "Well since you boys went through the trouble of catching all these sum bitches, I reckon I could fry these sum bitches up!"
That night the pope is visiting town and sets down for supper with the alter boys, priest, cardinal, and nun.
Alter boys- "I can't believe we caught all these sum bitches!" Priest- "These are the best sum bitches I have ever ate!" Cardinal- "Nun, you cooked these sum bitches just right!" Nun- "I sure did, you boys gotta catch some more of these sum bitches!"
The pope looks around at everyone with a surprised look on his face. He cracks a grin and says......."Y'all mother fuckers are alright!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m2uau/two_alter_boys_are_fishing/
%
A Lizard,A Liar and billionaire Walk into a bar....

The Bartender says “What can I get ya Mr.Zuckerberg?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m2r47/a_lizarda_liar_and_billionaire_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A man has been drinking at a bar all night...

A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says  “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m2qb6/a_man_has_been_drinking_at_a_bar_all_night/
%
I haven't spoken to my wife in three weeks

Well, it would be rude to interrupt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m2mv5/i_havent_spoken_to_my_wife_in_three_weeks/
%
A rapist, a drunk, and a pathological liar walks into a bar

The bartender says, "the usual, Mr. Kavanaugh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m2gvy/a_rapist_a_drunk_and_a_pathological_liar_walks/
%
Why aren’t there any Walmarts in the Middle East?

Because there’s a Target on every corner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m2gft/why_arent_there_any_walmarts_in_the_middle_east/
%
A women offered to have sex with me...

I was walking through the supermarket today and a women came up to me and said she was in need of help. She said she would sleep with me if I advertised a shampoo product for her. I refused, as I’m a man with strong morals, just like the creators of Jakes Body Wash. It’s a magnificent body wash and only results in the best. Pick yours up today at your local supermarket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m2gfl/a_women_offered_to_have_sex_with_me/
%
How do you delete important files on your computer permanently?

Update to the Windows 10 October Update

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m2g0o/how_do_you_delete_important_files_on_your/
%
What do you call a mailman whose transgender?

A postman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m2efm/what_do_you_call_a_mailman_whose_transgender/
%
It's B.B. King's Birthday...

His wife wants to do something special for him, so she goes to a tattoo parlor.  She gets a "B" one the left ass cheek and another "B" on the right.
She waits for BB to get home wearing a silky bra and panties.  When he walks in his wife stands in front of him and says "Happy Birthday Baby" then turns around and bends over and slides her panties down.
He says "Who the hell is BOB?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m296a/its_bb_kings_birthday/
%
Dave waited until marriage to have sex with his wife

Meanwhile he was regularly visiting brothels. After the first night of his marriage he came to visit Steve looking devastated.
Steve: what's the matter, Dave?
Dave: Last night, out of habit, I pulled out a $50 bill before having sex.
Steve: that's no big deal. You could explain it so many ways.
Dave: yeah, but that's not the worst part.
Steve: what's the worst part then?
Dave: she handed me back a $10 bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m247x/dave_waited_until_marriage_to_have_sex_with_his/
%
What did one orphan say to the other orphan?

“Robin, get the Batmobile”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m22qv/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other_orphan/
%
My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house..

So I only watched them at my friends' house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1xu8/my_mom_told_me_that_if_i_watched_scary_movies_the/
%
5 men walk into a bar

You would think that the last one would have ducked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1uuy/5_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A researcher was conducting a study on the effects of gore across various cultures

He selected an American, a European, and a Japanese man. To see the reactions of these people, he used a picture of a man with his toes freshly amputated.
The American man seemed a bit squeamish when presented with the picture, but otherwise he was okay.
The European man wrinkled his face in disgust and looked away.
The Japanese man took one look and instantly vomited. When asked if he was okay, he replied "Sorry, I'm lactose intolerant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1tmv/a_researcher_was_conducting_a_study_on_the/
%
What does the farmer say to the cows at night?

It’s pasture bedtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1tkg/what_does_the_farmer_say_to_the_cows_at_night/
%
Why do the gays love JFK so much?

He was the first president to take one to the back of the head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1sa6/why_do_the_gays_love_jfk_so_much/
%
When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1np2/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
%
RIP Boiled Water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1mlf/rip_boiled_water/
%
How are a school and a prostitute similar?

It's fun to shoot kids in them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1m8d/how_are_a_school_and_a_prostitute_similar/
%
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A neck-tarine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1llk/what_is_a_vampires_favorite_fruit/
%
I know Victoria's Secret...

She used to be Victor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1inx/i_know_victorias_secret/
%
Hitler is sitting in Hell talking to Satan and a few others...

Hitler says to Satan, "You know, if I could do it all over again, I'd do it differently."
Satan says, "Really?  Is the heat too much down here?  How would you do it differently?"
Hitler replies, "Yea, I'd kill 500,000 Jews and a dog."
Satan stares blankly at him and a few people in the group perk up.
One person asks, "Why kill a dog?"
Hitler replies, "See, I told you no one cares about the Jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1hyw/hitler_is_sitting_in_hell_talking_to_satan_and_a/
%
Why can't Barbie get pregnant?

Because Ken comes in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1h6v/why_cant_barbie_get_pregnant/
%
TV for Sale

I just saw a TV for sale on EBay.
The listing said "40 inch HD TV for sale - good working order, £100 - volume button is stuck on full"
I thought 'I can't turn that down....'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1gnc/tv_for_sale/
%
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get the Hell out

As he walked to the
door she yelled, "And
I hope you die a long
slow, and very painful
death
He turned around and
said, "So, you want
me to fucking stay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1fpp/a_wife_got_so_mad_at_her_husband_she_packed_his/
%
Do NOT, I repeat do NOT, make sick bird puns.

It's ill eagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1d8c/do_not_i_repeat_do_not_make_sick_bird_puns/
%
I call my horse Mayo...

And sometimes Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m19gl/i_call_my_horse_mayo/
%
Why do Flounder, Sebastian, Ursula, Flotsom, Jetsom, and King Triton all live underwater?

Because if the lived on land, there would be the possibility of an Ariel attack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m16oj/why_do_flounder_sebastian_ursula_flotsom_jetsom/
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What do you call a mind reading satnav?

A Tell-a-path

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m151w/what_do_you_call_a_mind_reading_satnav/
%
What’s a hillbillies favourite thing to do on Halloween?

Pump Kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m1142/whats_a_hillbillies_favourite_thing_to_do_on/
%
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m10va/if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to_kilograms/
%
Moms favorite things

Kid: "Dad, why did you decide to name my little sister Teresa?"
Dad: "It was your moms idea mainly. She decided that she would name all her children after things she absolutely loved. Teresa is an anagram of the word Easter, and it's your moms favorite holiday."
Kid: "Huh, that makes sense. Thanks for letting me know that."
Dad: "No problem, Alan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m0qub/moms_favorite_things/
%
I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years

I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m0pke/i_hate_it_when_people_ask_where_i_see_myself_in_2/
%
What do you call walking graffiti?

A soundcloud rapper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m0njt/what_do_you_call_walking_graffiti/
%
What advantage do midgets have over everyone else

They always understand people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m0n7j/what_advantage_do_midgets_have_over_everyone_else/
%
What does a boxer with a uti says

I float like a butterfly sting like my pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m0lfd/what_does_a_boxer_with_a_uti_says/
%
My wife's been telling me lately about how sex is so much more exciting on holiday

It's driving me nuts, she keeps sending me postcards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m0khf/my_wifes_been_telling_me_lately_about_how_sex_is/
%
You can never trust anyone with constipation

They are always full of shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m0h2c/you_can_never_trust_anyone_with_constipation/
%
CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m0eky/can_admins_of_this_subreddit_reddit_do_a_better/
%
I had sex with my 10th grade English teacher.

So what if it took 36 years and required me to become a mortician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m0dgy/i_had_sex_with_my_10th_grade_english_teacher/
%
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.

I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m0cjq/my_therapist_told_me_to_write_letters_about/
%
What’s the most politically corrected candy?

A Her/she bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m0c77/whats_the_most_politically_corrected_candy/
%
How do you stop pro-life protesters from dropping their phones?

Stop roundhouse kicking them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m0apj/how_do_you_stop_prolife_protesters_from_dropping/
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I can't help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars...

*snickers*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m09o5/i_cant_help_but_laugh_a_little_when_i_see_a_pun/
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TIL: There is a proven way to stop your bacon from curling in your frying pan.

Take away their little brooms and rocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m05kp/til_there_is_a_proven_way_to_stop_your_bacon_from/
%
How does a cow go poo?

He has a bowel mooooovement.
(My daughters favorite animal is a cow so most of my jokes involve them or their sounds!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m04l6/how_does_a_cow_go_poo/
%
I believe every therapist deserves full flight benefits with any airline.

They carry so much baggage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m02cg/i_believe_every_therapist_deserves_full_flight/
%
A man and his girlfriend are having a discussion about Bansky.

Man: Have you heard about the painting from Bansky that shredded itself? This guy is truly amazing!
Girlfriend: Guy? How do you know Bansky is not a woman?
Man: A woman couldn't keep a secret for that long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9m00na/a_man_and_his_girlfriend_are_having_a_discussion/
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What do The Shining, Titanic, Game of Thrones, and The Sixth Sense all have in common?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lzx3a/what_do_the_shining_titanic_game_of_thrones_and/
%
Why did they split up while going through all that shit?

Because that’s what buttcheeks do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lzuwf/why_did_they_split_up_while_going_through_all/
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So I told my therapist that I got over my fear of ghosts...

Therapist: That's the spirit!
Me: Oh fuck where?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lzsmq/so_i_told_my_therapist_that_i_got_over_my_fear_of/
%
Wife phoned her husband, be careful on the road, just seen on sky news some idiot is driving the wrong way down the interstate, husband replies one?

There are fucking hundreds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lzkzp/wife_phoned_her_husband_be_careful_on_the_road/
%
I walked into a blood bank and asked the nurse for a glass of Hepatitis B.

"Sorry," she said, "is HepC okay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lzher/i_walked_into_a_blood_bank_and_asked_the_nurse/
%
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

Jared from Subway didn't violin kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lzh59/whats_the_difference_between_a_violin_and_a_fiddle/
%
Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked "Have  you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lzfeq/have_you_ever_seen_twenty_dollars_all_crumpled_up/
%
I don’t get why people don’t like sitting on floors...

It’s like they think it’s beneath them or something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lzdem/i_dont_get_why_people_dont_like_sitting_on_floors/
%
What do you call a Sasquatch who loves working with clay?

A hairy potter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lzcou/what_do_you_call_a_sasquatch_who_loves_working/
%
What's the queen's favourite type of weather?

Reign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lz8tj/whats_the_queens_favourite_type_of_weather/
%
What’s the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

President Trump has never had a Russian garbanzo bean on his chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lz7qp/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
%
Why shouldn't you trust a fart?

Because they "talk shit" behind your back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lz19u/why_shouldnt_you_trust_a_fart/
%
I tried to make dick jokes to feminists

But they don’t get them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lyq0q/i_tried_to_make_dick_jokes_to_feminists/
%
Why didn’t the Japanese people get a high five?

Cause Logan left them hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lyomv/why_didnt_the_japanese_people_get_a_high_five/
%
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked , "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lyn0k/a_farmer_was_selling_his_peaches_door_to_door/
%
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"  "Blind man!"  The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.  The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lymhz/the_head_nun_tells_the_two_new_nuns_that_they/
%
When it comes to women, I'm like an ant:

I pull three times my own weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ly50p/when_it_comes_to_women_im_like_an_ant/
%
Dan Schneider has finally admitted that the Washington Redskins have an offensive name and will be changing it.

From now on they will just be called the Redskins and eliminating all offensive references.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ly254/dan_schneider_has_finally_admitted_that_the/
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What do you call a date with a chick that’s younger than you?

A cheep date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ly243/what_do_you_call_a_date_with_a_chick_thats/
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Bisexuals love puns

Because they can be taken more than one way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ly1hz/bisexuals_love_puns/
%
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lxzny/little_johnnys_teacher_asks_george_washington_not/
%
A magician was driving along one day...

Then he turned into a driveway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lxyo4/a_magician_was_driving_along_one_day/
%
What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, they just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lxyer/what_did_one_ocean_say_to_the_other/
%
There's this blonde.

She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.
The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.
She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class.
please move to the back of the plane"
The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job.
I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"
So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened.
so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.
She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job.
I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".
So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on.
He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.
The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane.
They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.
The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else.
I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lxsdh/theres_this_blonde/
%
I don’t get why everybody hates Hitler.

I mean, he killed the leader of the Nazi party for god sakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lxqbf/i_dont_get_why_everybody_hates_hitler/
%
Two blood cells fell in love

But it was all in vein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lxpud/two_blood_cells_fell_in_love/
%
[ Definite OC] Why is Sirius in Azkaban

Because the guards thought he was black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lxn5i/definite_oc_why_is_sirius_in_azkaban/
%
What's the difference between a run over deer and a run over anti-vaxxer?

There are break marks in front of the deer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lxiqc/whats_the_difference_between_a_run_over_deer_and/
%
I love third-person games

They have the kind of player characters I can get behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lxgzo/i_love_thirdperson_games/
%
I don't always watch porn, but when I do...

It's tres equis...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lxd32/i_dont_always_watch_porn_but_when_i_do/
%
How can you tell that beer contains estrogen?

Because when guys drink it, they can’t drive, or shut up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lx59c/how_can_you_tell_that_beer_contains_estrogen/
%
A blonde was swimming in the river...

...a man went up to her and asked, "Why are you doing this? Blonde said, "I'm washing my clothes. Is there a problem?"
Man said, "Why don't you try a washing machine?
Blonde replied, "but.. I feel dizzy in the washing machine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lx23v/a_blonde_was_swimming_in_the_river/
%
I'm the most hated person in the Senate

Ted Cruz: I'm the most hated person in the Senate.
Susan Collins: Hold my beer.
Brett Kavanaugh: Who said beer?
Twitter repost @Amanda_Kerri

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lx0j7/im_the_most_hated_person_in_the_senate/
%
The United States finally outlawed the waterboarding of suspected terrorists!

They have decided to replace it with a more politically correct interrogation method: Tactical Baptism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lwy4o/the_united_states_finally_outlawed_the/
%
I used to love guitar pedals.

I think it was just a phase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lwvxg/i_used_to_love_guitar_pedals/
%
Do you know how most statisticians die?

They get broken down by age and sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lwsx3/do_you_know_how_most_statisticians_die/
%
Did you hear about the Doctors' March?

We don't know what it was about, nobody could read the signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lwry1/did_you_hear_about_the_doctors_march/
%
Why shouldn't you buy underpants from Ukraine?

Because Chernobyl fall out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lwik8/why_shouldnt_you_buy_underpants_from_ukraine/
%
How do you make Pumpkin Pie?

Take the circumference of the pumpkin and divide it by the diameter of the pumpkin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lwi2y/how_do_you_make_pumpkin_pie/
%
The Bible is a great read. That ending - I did not see it coming.

Or that second coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lwgps/the_bible_is_a_great_read_that_ending_i_did_not/
%
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think?

A. You need more time together.
B. She's a prude.
C. She should have sat elsewhere on the train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lwg5h/if_a_woman_is_uncomfortable_watching_you/
%
A guy is sitting in a bar drinking.

After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls.
He crawls to the door of the bar and tries  to stand up and he falls again,
he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again.
He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground.
His wife opens the door and surprised  she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lwftf/a_guy_is_sitting_in_a_bar_drinking/
%
A programmer tells his wife, "I'm going to the store."

The wife says, "While you're there, buy some milk."
He never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lwagz/a_programmer_tells_his_wife_im_going_to_the_store/
%
What do you call a threesome in Heaven?

A Triangel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lw7py/what_do_you_call_a_threesome_in_heaven/
%
Sex without a condom is like a phone without a case

Not as safe but it just feels so good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lw5v9/sex_without_a_condom_is_like_a_phone_without_a/
%
What does a pulley like best about its position?

Being the center of a tension.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lw55i/what_does_a_pulley_like_best_about_its_position/
%
What are Super Mario's pants made out of?

Denim denim denim. Denim denim denim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lw3sd/what_are_super_marios_pants_made_out_of/
%
Little Johnny....

Little Johnny comes home from school one afternoon, only to find his pet rooster lying dead on his front yard .... legs stiff, pointed straight in the air.
Little Johnny RUNS in the house to his dad. “Daddy, daddy !!! Why is our pet rooster lying in the front yard flat on its back with its legs pointed straight in the air !!??”
Little Johnny’s Dad: “Oh son.... why that’s so god can reach down straight from heaven, pick him up and take him.”
Little Johnny: “Oh... ok. Yea yea , that makes sense..”
A few days later...
Little Johnny comes RUNNING in the house screaming to his dad “DADDY, DADDY !!!! Mommy was lying flat on her back with her legs pointed straight in the air screaming ‘Oh God I’m coming I’m coming !!’  ....... if it wasn’t for Uncle George holding her down , we’d have lost her for sure.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lw26c/little_johnny/
%
This Fibonacci joke is bad as the last two you heard combined

Copied from mathologer video

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lw0uq/this_fibonacci_joke_is_bad_as_the_last_two_you/
%
if i had 50p for every maths test i failed

i'd now have £2.30

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lvzaa/if_i_had_50p_for_every_maths_test_i_failed/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Feminists can't change shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lvxwo/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Does anybody know which actor played Forrest Gump?

Thanks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lvwx8/does_anybody_know_which_actor_played_forrest_gump/
%
A pessimist, an optimist and a conductor are in a tunnel

P: "There is nothing but darkness at the end of the tunnel."
o: "I see a beautiful shining light at the end of the tunnel."
C: "Why are there two morons on the tracks?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lvwqk/a_pessimist_an_optimist_and_a_conductor_are_in_a/
%
What do you call a punk rock kid without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lvvtn/what_do_you_call_a_punk_rock_kid_without_a/
%
What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lvucc/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an_insomniac_an/
%
I don't get people who call it a first world problem when they can't charge their phones

African kids can't charge their phones either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lvt0f/i_dont_get_people_who_call_it_a_first_world/
%
Golden toilets

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lvroj/golden_toilets/
%
Where does a duck hide it’s drugs?

In its buttquack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lvk26/where_does_a_duck_hide_its_drugs/
%
Want to hear a joke about paper.

Nevermind it's tearable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lvj5z/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_paper/
%
A teacher asks her class to name a word beginning with A

Little Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say something like asshole". She asks Suzanna who says "Apple". The She asks for a word beginning with B. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say bastard", so she asks Stephen, who replies "Balloon"..This goes on until they get to the letter G. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "Hmm, I cant think of any swear word beginning with G", so she asks Jonny. "Gnome" says Jonny. Very surprised, the teachers says "That's excellent Jonny, and do you know what a gnome is?" "Yeah" replies Jonny, "It's a little cunt at bottom of my garden that fucks fairies"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lvfv6/a_teacher_asks_her_class_to_name_a_word_beginning/
%
Person: Describe your life in 3 words.

Me: Rolled a One

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lvcv6/person_describe_your_life_in_3_words/
%
Just walked past an add on a window that said "TV for sale: 1$. Sound stuck at maximum"

I thought "I can't turn that down"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lva88/just_walked_past_an_add_on_a_window_that_said_tv/
%
Dad jokes are the best

Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant.
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad
Wife: No you're not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lv8t3/dad_jokes_are_the_best/
%
How does a necrophiliac date a girl?

He uses the carbon-14 method.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lv8ht/how_does_a_necrophiliac_date_a_girl/
%
What did one insomniac mountain climber say to the other?

"Bro, do you everest?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lv3b5/what_did_one_insomniac_mountain_climber_say_to/
%
I'm good in bed.

I sleep very well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lursb/im_good_in_bed/
%
Who can jump higher than a Pyramid?

Everyone. Because a Pyramid can't jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9luq0h/who_can_jump_higher_than_a_pyramid/
%
IT hurts

Rick Grimes: A network engineer went to the doctor.
Coral: Shut up, Dad!
RG: He said, "It hurts when I pee".
Coral: .......
RG: IT Hertz when IP, Coral!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lupsd/it_hurts/
%
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lup8f/abe_and_esther_are_flying_to_australia_for_a_two/
%
What's got 10,000 legs and three pubes?

A Taylor Swift concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lunuc/whats_got_10000_legs_and_three_pubes/
%
As I slipped my finger inside her hole....

I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lulfn/as_i_slipped_my_finger_inside_her_hole/
%
Why are Rastafarians afraid to secure their houses at night?

Because they dread locks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9luggz/why_are_rastafarians_afraid_to_secure_their/
%
I'm organising a fundraiser concert for those who are unable to reach full orgasm

If you can't come, let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lufy7/im_organising_a_fundraiser_concert_for_those_who/
%
What happen when you fart and sneeze and the same time?

Your body takes a screenshot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9luafy/what_happen_when_you_fart_and_sneeze_and_the_same/
%
Whats the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lua5b/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_stop_and/
%
A robber robs a bank

, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lu9pm/a_robber_robs_a_bank/
%
How did the Paris police find Quasimodo?

They followed a hunch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lu8q7/how_did_the_paris_police_find_quasimodo/
%
I asked my crush out and she said she didn't like me.

I said, "that's perfect, we have something in common."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lu72f/i_asked_my_crush_out_and_she_said_she_didnt_like/
%
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?

Because dogs can’t whistle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ltzdi/why_cant_humans_hear_a_dog_whistle/
%
I was meeting up with my wife at a funeral...

...She kept teasing me with how perfect she looked. I couldn't help myself, and while nobody was looking, I took her to the most secluded area I could find.
As we started to do the diddle, as I like to call it, I whispered into her ear sexily...
"This would be so much better if you were alive..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ltxz4/i_was_meeting_up_with_my_wife_at_a_funeral/
%
I have no problem getting women into the sack.

It's getting the sack into the back of my van that's the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ltx3z/i_have_no_problem_getting_women_into_the_sack/
%
A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ltv6r/a_sexual_predator_a_racist_and_a_russian_spy_walk/
%
Did any of you use to blow bubbles as a kid?

Well he’s back in town and asking about you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lttuk/did_any_of_you_use_to_blow_bubbles_as_a_kid/
%
Quick, you have ten minutes to create an absolute vacuum

no pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ltmw3/quick_you_have_ten_minutes_to_create_an_absolute/
%
A straight man walks into a gay bar...

A straight man is walking around town one night and decides he's thirsty. The only place he sees open is a gay bar. Figuring a beer is a beer, he walks in and up to the bartender.
"I'll have a beer," he says.
The bartender shakes his head. "Nah, man. House rules. You wanna order, you tell me the name of your penis."
At that moment, a leather-clad man walks up and orders too. "Dairy Queen, 'cause I'll treat you right."
He gets his drink and wanders off. A minute later a bear of a man walks up to get a drink. "Ford! 'Cause the best are built Ford-tough!"
He gets his drink and leaves. The bartender looks back to the straight man and asks "Well? You gonna tell me your name?"
"Yeah, it's Secret."
The bartender passes over a beer. "Secret?"
"Yeah. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ltksj/a_straight_man_walks_into_a_gay_bar/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lteny/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
%
Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse.

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ltdg3/over_the_past_year_my_sexual_fetishes_have_been/
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How did Papa John's rebrand themselves following the racial scandal?

Uncle Tom's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lt9l2/how_did_papa_johns_rebrand_themselves_following/
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An amateur physicist was sucked into a black hole

Apparently, he didn't comprehend the gravity of the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lt7al/an_amateur_physicist_was_sucked_into_a_black_hole/
%
Why do teenage girls hang out in odd numbers?

Because they literally can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lt2zk/why_do_teenage_girls_hang_out_in_odd_numbers/
%
My girlfriend asked me to choose between her and the office.

Which episode do you think I should watch today?
Correction: Ex-girlfriend\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lt1ln/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_choose_between_her_and/
%
Is today's date 10/5?

10-4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lsx9n/is_todays_date_105/
%
Italian dinner

Sitting at dinner, an Italian father looks at his three grown sons.
He asks the oldest, Mario, "Mario, why are you-a so fat?"
Mario responds, "Papa, Mama's spaghetti is just-a so good, I eat-a way too much!"
Papa spreads his hands vertically and claps them together, and says "Mario, you take-a too big-a bite!"
Papa turns to Antonio, and asks, "Antonio, why are you-a so fat?"
Antonio responds, "Papa, my wife's lasagna is just-a so good, I eat-a way too much!"
Papa claps again and says "Antonio, you take-a too big-a bite!"
Papa turns to Fernando and asks, "Fernando, why are you-a so skinny?"
Fernando says, "Papa, I ONLY eat the pussy!"
Papa responds, "Pussy? But son, pussy tastes-a like shit!"
Fernando claps his hands just like his dad and says, "Papa, you take-a too big-a bite!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lsw05/italian_dinner/
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If quizzes are quizzical what are tests

testicle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lsuib/if_quizzes_are_quizzical_what_are_tests/
%
A 30 year old guy goes to the doctor for a check up

After running some labs and checking vitals, the doctor asks the patient some questions.
Doctor: How often do you drink?
Patient: I've never touched the stuff.
Doctor: What about tobacco use?
Patient: Never tried it. Never will.
Doctor: Do you use any recreational drugs?
Patient: Oh, of course not!
Doctor: Do you engage in unprotected sex or one night stands?
Patient: Not at all.
While the doctor is taking notes, the patient asks, "So doc, how long do you think I've got to live?"
The doctor replies, "Why do you care?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lssg6/a_30_year_old_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_check/
%
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean?

Bob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lss2g/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_or_legs/
%
Hopefully, I've got a book coming out soon.

I probably shouldn't have eaten that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lsp2i/hopefully_ive_got_a_book_coming_out_soon/
%
what did the cult leader replace his punch with to be more fall festive

sui-cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lsog4/what_did_the_cult_leader_replace_his_punch_with/
%
A boy asked his mother how he was conceived

“Mommy, how was I born?”
Mom: “Well sweetie, Christmas came early”
And that was how the boy learned of his father’s nickname in college

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lsk6d/a_boy_asked_his_mother_how_he_was_conceived/
%
What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount Everest?

A HIGH-POT-IN-USE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lsjyh/what_do_you_call_a_teapot_of_boiling_water_on_top/
%
My father was used to saying "Cheer up, things could be worse."

So I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lsg1k/my_father_was_used_to_saying_cheer_up_things/
%
Did you know that in Australia they don’t call their parents mom and dad...

...they call them wow and pep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lsf5a/did_you_know_that_in_australia_they_dont_call/
%
So a biologist, a chemist, and a statistician go deer hunting

So having never done this before, they were not very good. So the biologist shoots at a deer and misses way off, 5 feet to the right. Because it was so far it didn't scare the deer, so the chemist shoots next and misses again way off, 5 feet to the left this time. Next the statistician yells "WE GOT 'EM BOYS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lsd5h/so_a_biologist_a_chemist_and_a_statistician_go/
%
Today I read an idea on how to stop school shootings.

It says: *"Place three armed veterans in every school."*
I think it is great! School shooters will see a person with three arms and freak the fuck out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lsatf/today_i_read_an_idea_on_how_to_stop_school/
%
Found a loophole in veganism

Eating meat from an animal that was in a coma is perfectly vegan because the animal is technically a vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lsanx/found_a_loophole_in_veganism/
%
My cat only knows how to say one thing...

"I'm not a cat! I'm your son and I want real food!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ls8go/my_cat_only_knows_how_to_say_one_thing/
%
What do you call a mexican immigrant?

Tresspacito

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ls66b/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_immigrant/
%
What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ls5df/what_do_you_call_a_balloon_animal_made_out_of_a/
%
Women are actually turning into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ls2ds/women_are_actually_turning_into_good_drivers/
%
Waiter: Would you like to hear today’s special?

Me: Yes, please. Thank you.
Waiter: Sure. Today is special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ls2ap/waiter_would_you_like_to_hear_todays_special/
%
What prehistoric animal loves lamps?

Mam-moths

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lry2r/what_prehistoric_animal_loves_lamps/
%
Women always call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lry23/women_always_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
%
My son is such anungrateful piece of shit.

I bought him a trampoline for his birthday but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lru09/my_son_is_such_anungrateful_piece_of_shit/
%
If Jesus was real, they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it the crucifact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lrt00/if_jesus_was_real_they_wouldnt_call_it_the/
%
What do you call a guy that's missing a leg?

Neal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lrnd9/what_do_you_call_a_guy_thats_missing_a_leg/
%
When I die, I hope its peacefully and in my sleep.

Although everyone else in the car will probably be screaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lr9ex/when_i_die_i_hope_its_peacefully_and_in_my_sleep/
%
How are weed and pussy the exact opposite?

If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it’s the best

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lr98k/how_are_weed_and_pussy_the_exact_opposite/
%
Regular zombies say "braaaaaiiiins". What do vegetarian zombies say?

"Graaaiiiins"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lr5ab/regular_zombies_say_braaaaaiiiins_what_do/
%
Mark has several qualities that make him an ideal candidate for cloning

He’s remarkable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lr0vd/mark_has_several_qualities_that_make_him_an_ideal/
%
A Vampire is teaching his sons how to hunt

He sends the first one to hunt and he returns in 2 hours with blood in his mouth.
The father goes: 2 hours?! Good job, what did you bite?
The son goes: Do you see that tiger over there?
Father: Well done, Well done.
He then sends his second son and he returns in 30 minutes with blood in his mouth.
Father: 30 minutes!? What did you bite tonight?
2nd Son: Do you see that human there?
Father. Good job, well done.
Finally he sends his 3rd and last son and he gets home in 2 minutes with blood in his mouth.
Father: TWO MINUTES?! What did you bite?
3rd Son: Can you see that brick wall over there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lqzuu/a_vampire_is_teaching_his_sons_how_to_hunt/
%
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?

He looks at his sasquatch.
I made this up at work. It's a dad-joke for sure. I googled it and found no record of it.
What do I win?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lqwjq/how_does_bigfoot_know_what_time_it_is/
%
What always clogged the toilet on the USS Enterprise?

Captain's Log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lqu2v/what_always_clogged_the_toilet_on_the_uss/
%
How many protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

Trick question - as if protesters can change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lqszk/how_many_protesters_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Sin City was a nickname given to Las Vegas because of all of its shenanigans, but do you know about Den City?

It's the degree of compactness of a substance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lqmyu/sin_city_was_a_nickname_given_to_las_vegas/
%
It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore...

I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna”
I don’t even know where that is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lqlo1/its_sad_that_nothing_is_made_in_america_anymore/
%
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves!... Just kidding he hasnt opened it yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lqkqf/what_did_the_kid_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
%
Donald Trump's brain is so big

It's too much of a hassle to take it with him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lqetj/donald_trumps_brain_is_so_big/
%
I had a rough day, and I got home to find that someone has torn the front and back pages of my dictionary.

It just went from Bad to Worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lqerk/i_had_a_rough_day_and_i_got_home_to_find_that/
%
I get embarrassed when my dog sniffs peoples' crotch

Especially because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lqa5x/i_get_embarrassed_when_my_dog_sniffs_peoples/
%
A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane

They make polite small talk and then sit back to wait for takeoff.
All of a sudden, the Jewish man turns and delivers his neighbor a swift kick in the shins.
"Yeow!", yells the Chinese man, "What was that for?"
"That was for Pearl Harbor!"
"But the Chinese didn't do that! It was the Japanese!"
"Ach, Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same to me."
A few minutes go by, and then the Chinese man turns and kicks his neighbor hard in the shins.
"Ow!", yells the Jewish man, "What was that for?"
"That... was for... um, the Titanic!"
"The Titanic? What do I even have to do with that? That was sunk by an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, it's all the same to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lq9j9/a_chinese_man_and_a_jewish_man_are_sitting_next/
%
I really love female protagonists...

I guess you could say I’m a heroine addict.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lq8rw/i_really_love_female_protagonists/
%
Old Russian Joke

The Soviet Premier and American President are both bragging about how good their intelligence services are. They decide to have a contest. The KGB, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at finding spies. They release a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly bruised, bleeding, beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lq5jf/old_russian_joke/
%
Whenever I visit my parents they always give me extra food since I’m “eating for two now”

They really take this tapeworm seriously

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lq50y/whenever_i_visit_my_parents_they_always_give_me/
%
They say girls love a guy who can laugh at himself

But they always seem to hate my self-defecating humor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lpzdv/they_say_girls_love_a_guy_who_can_laugh_at_himself/
%
Be Positive

A good friend passed away here at the office today. There was an accident in the mailroom and his bleeding could not be controlled. EMS arrived immediately but were unable to slow the bleeding enough. The ems team could not figure out quickly enough what Jason's blood type was either so saving him that way would have been "too risky". But Jason was an amazing  person, even his last words were "be positive". He was saying it to anyone who would listen. Over and over to us, the paramedics, anyone within earshot, he was repeating "be positive, be positive..." he said it so many times and so loudly finally I shushed him and told him to save his strength and that They'd get his blood type soon from the hospital and he'd be ok. They didn't get it quite fast enough and he faded away still whispering those all important words... Be positive. It was obviously something he had on his heart. And so if there's one thing, in my opinion, to take away from this tragedy. It's be super careful in the mailroom and always carry your bloodtype card in your wallet. Thoughts and prayers to his family. I'm sure their Dad's message is flowing through their veins just as it was his. Be positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lpr67/be_positive/
%
My flat-earther friend was diagnosed by a psychologist

He suffers from very sphere delusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lphey/my_flatearther_friend_was_diagnosed_by_a/
%
What do you call a Spanish guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lpdfm/what_do_you_call_a_spanish_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
Did you know that the people of Dubai do not like the Flintstones?

But the people of Abu Dhabi doooo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lp9i7/did_you_know_that_the_people_of_dubai_do_not_like/
%
Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator.

Players just don't want lute boxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lp7mk/due_to_the_overwhelming_backlash_im_forced_to/
%
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lp2rm/what_did_the_zen_buddhist_say_to_the_hot_dog/
%
Love is like pee in your pants

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lozur/love_is_like_pee_in_your_pants/
%
Two Submarines in the Atlantic

One day in the Atlantic, two subs surface next to each other. Out of one, an ancient Soviet rustbucket, emerges a rowdy crew that is clearly drunk. On the other, a sleek American sub, cleancut American crewmen stand at attention.
The heavily-bearded Soviet captain begins screaming at his men: "WHO. THREW THEIR SHOE. AT THE CONTROL BOARD?" When no one answers, he begins kicking & punching. "WHO. THE HELL. THREW THEIR SHOE. AT THE CONTROL BOARD?!"
The American captain holds up his hand & says, "You know, if we were in America..."
"THERE IS NO MORE FUCKING AMERICA," the Soviet captain interrupts. "NOW WHO. THREW THEIR SHOE. AT THE GODDAMN CONTROL BOARD?!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9loxby/two_submarines_in_the_atlantic/
%
Jesus to the Jews:

I am the son of God.
Jews: No way...
Jesus: Yahweh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9log4f/jesus_to_the_jews/
%
Cardi B is attractive but...

her sister Cardi O left me breathless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lo5y5/cardi_b_is_attractive_but/
%
NSFW I once got my ex's name tattooed on my penis...

Her name was Wendy and i had it done when I was hard and now you can only see W and Y when soft.
One day I was on holiday in Jamaica, using the restroom I noticed a Jamaican man with the  same WY tattoo. I asked if he had Wendy tattooed on his penis aswell.
He replied:
"nah bro it says, Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lo5ag/nsfw_i_once_got_my_exs_name_tattooed_on_my_penis/
%
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lo4uy/personally_i_dont_believe_in_bros_before_hoes_or/
%
What's the difference between Usain bolt and Hitler?

Bolt could finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lny71/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
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Before she died, my mom would always say, “You’ll miss me when I’m gone”.

And who knows, maybe one day I will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lnwgk/before_she_died_my_mom_would_always_say_youll/
%
Why did the potato smoke weed?

It wanted to get baked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lnt42/why_did_the_potato_smoke_weed/
%
I saw a cockroach on my floor the other day ...

I went to spray Raid on him but accidentally grabbed a can of Axe body spray. Now his name is Chad and he won't shut up about crossfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lno1r/i_saw_a_cockroach_on_my_floor_the_other_day/
%
I see you're crushing pop cans...

...That must be soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lnnnz/i_see_youre_crushing_pop_cans/
%
The other day I wrote a joke about communism.

You know, I just had to share it with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lnmfv/the_other_day_i_wrote_a_joke_about_communism/
%
What's the difference between offering someone sex and offering someone a cup of tea?

It would be completely insane and make no sense to try and force someone to drink a cup of tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lnjhl/whats_the_difference_between_offering_someone_sex/
%
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lndv4/theres_this_old_priest_who_got_sick_of_all_the/
%
I treat everyday like I'm running a marathon tomorrow...

I rest, don't run and load up on carbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lnc48/i_treat_everyday_like_im_running_a_marathon/
%
Scottish Husband: There was a good film on tv last night, the boxing one with that guy Sylvester...?

Wife: Stallone?
Scottish Husband: No it’s not still oan, it was oan last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lna6v/scottish_husband_there_was_a_good_film_on_tv_last/
%
Learning Math In A Catholic School

A father who is very much concerned about his son’s bad grades in math decides to register him at a Catholic school.
After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: he’s getting “A”s in math.
The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: “Why are your math grades suddenly so good?”
“You know”, the son explains, “when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ln7jt/learning_math_in_a_catholic_school/
%
Two police officers crash their car into a tree.

After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ln4f0/two_police_officers_crash_their_car_into_a_tree/
%
Martians and Jesus

So a Martian arrives on earth. Obviously humanity has many questions for him, so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions.
When it is the Pope's turn, he asks, "I was wondering...have you ever heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?" the pope asks.
"Of course!" says the Martian. "He stops by our planet every couple of years and we all have a big party."
The pope looks baffled and says, "Surely you are mistaken. Jesus Christ was here about two thousand years ago but he left and we've been waiting for his return ever since. Why would he visit you so often?"
And the Martian says, "Well, maybe he didn't like the party."
"Pardon me?" the pope says.
"Well," says the Martian, "when Jesus first showed up on our planet we threw a huge party. Music, dancing, food; it was great! What did you guys do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ln42v/martians_and_jesus/
%
An atheist, a Crossfitter, and a vegan walk into a bar.

I know because they told me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ln3ut/an_atheist_a_crossfitter_and_a_vegan_walk_into_a/
%
A boy comes home and proudly announces to his parents, "Mom, dad..."

A boy comes home and proudly announces to his parents, "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"
The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing Lenny! And what was the question?"
Sticking out his chest, the boys says, "Who farted?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ln356/a_boy_comes_home_and_proudly_announces_to_his/
%
Gotye had a bunny, but it ran off one day.

Now he's just some bunny that he used to know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ln2pj/gotye_had_a_bunny_but_it_ran_off_one_day/
%
A guy walking down the street sees a sign above a store that reads "Cock Shop"

He decides to check it out. He walks in and heads to the counter and whips out his cock. The woman cashier lets out an audible shriek and asks "What the fuck are you doing?"
"The sign outside said Cock Shop, so..."
"Clock shop you idiot, the "I" is out" replies the angry cashier. "Look around you" and she points to the various clocks all around the store.
The man takes a moment to survey the inside of the store.
"Well... In that case put two hands and a face on it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lmxhp/a_guy_walking_down_the_street_sees_a_sign_above_a/
%
The reason sex with a vampire doesn't usually result in pregnancy

Vampires can't come inside without an invitation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lmtvz/the_reason_sex_with_a_vampire_doesnt_usually/
%
What does Michael Jackson call a gay couple?

A he he

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lmtmg/what_does_michael_jackson_call_a_gay_couple/
%
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church

and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still  the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' buddy, there's no paper in this one either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lmsyg/a_drunken_man_staggers_in_to_a_catholic_church/
%
What’s the best thing about a blowjob?

Ten minutes of silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lmqyd/whats_the_best_thing_about_a_blowjob/
%
I met a couple of really short people today

They were really down-to-earth guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lmngr/i_met_a_couple_of_really_short_people_today/
%
I think Noah might be the craziest of Biblical figures; hearing God, building an ark, gathering animals

The whole thing sounds delugional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lmmg1/i_think_noah_might_be_the_craziest_of_biblical/
%
I didn't become a comedian for the same reason I didn't become a midwife...

I always murder the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lmkw3/i_didnt_become_a_comedian_for_the_same_reason_i/
%
After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.

His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll  never forget." They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt  in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it again?"  This time it's even more passionate. Later, as she is about to doze off,  Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, I know it's getting late, but I  think we can do it one more time." "That's easy for you to say," she  complains. "You don't have to get up in the morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lmekm/after_his_annual_checkup_bob_learns_that_he_has_a/
%
In Mexico, UNO is actually only played with three colors.

Well, they come with four, but everyone just keeps the green cards for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lmek1/in_mexico_uno_is_actually_only_played_with_three/
%
So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.

In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he replied "I had a gig"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lmbsz/so_i_decided_to_start_giving_beginner_bass_lessons/
%
When Samuel L. Jackson had a kid, he was asked in an interview how it felt to be a father.

All he said was “motherfucker”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lma9w/when_samuel_l_jackson_had_a_kid_he_was_asked_in/
%
The beastie boys have released a 5 part greatest hits collection.

Parts A, B, C and D are pretty easy to get.
But you have to Fight for your right to Part E.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lm986/the_beastie_boys_have_released_a_5_part_greatest/
%
What happened to the overconfident lion-tamer?

He was consumed by his own pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lm5aj/what_happened_to_the_overconfident_liontamer/
%
My doctor told me diarrhea isn’t hereditary

But I’m not so sure because it definitely runs in my jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lm2sz/my_doctor_told_me_diarrhea_isnt_hereditary/
%
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9llzc8/finding_a_woman_sobbing_that_she_had_locked_her/
%
Why did the electrician join Facebook?

So he could post his current status.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9llxwd/why_did_the_electrician_join_facebook/
%
Why did Ronald lose the election?

People thought his elect Ron campaign was too negative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9llu2g/why_did_ronald_lose_the_election/
%
Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lltwi/mr_hoover_sold_vacuums_he_dreamed_about_vacuums/
%
Did you hear the one about the suicidal kamikaze pilot?

Talk about work-life balance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9llt1p/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_suicidal_kamikaze/
%
Two men are playing golf.

One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9llr2e/two_men_are_playing_golf/
%
Hey girl, are you Reddit?

Because I wanna be on you all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9llqsp/hey_girl_are_you_reddit/
%
My English teacher said " Your grammar is shit."

I replied " Your grandad is a cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9llq7k/my_english_teacher_said_your_grammar_is_shit/
%
I'm scared of π

It's an irrational fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9llnyz/im_scared_of_π/
%
I was addicted to soap.

But I’m clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lllkh/i_was_addicted_to_soap/
%
Fruits

*Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.*
*Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.*
*Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.*
*Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9llh7f/fruits/
%
"I used to be a Christian"

The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?"
The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9llfji/i_used_to_be_a_christian/
%
I saw a magician walk on spikes today...

His performance was on point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9llfdl/i_saw_a_magician_walk_on_spikes_today/
%
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lldna/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lldff/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
What’s the difference between a husband and a f*ckbuddy

A couple of inches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9llbpl/whats_the_difference_between_a_husband_and_a/
%
Do you have a drinking problem?

Yeah, 2 hands and only 1 mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ll97z/do_you_have_a_drinking_problem/
%
Two brooms get married...

On their wedding night as they're lying in bed the bride broom tells the groom broom that they can't have sex because she's expecting.
'How can that be,' asked the groom broom, 'we've never swept together.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ll4mb/two_brooms_get_married/
%
Why are Catholics the best snipers?

Because they're always Amen for the head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ll3e1/why_are_catholics_the_best_snipers/
%
I hate stairs.

They bring me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ll231/i_hate_stairs/
%
Don’t worry about the antivax fad

It’ll die off sooner rather than later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ll1rk/dont_worry_about_the_antivax_fad/
%
(Spoilers) Why cant Jon Snow sit still?

He has aunts in his pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lky4g/spoilers_why_cant_jon_snow_sit_still/
%
The girl I met last night told me she just wanted something short and sweet.

Apparently covering my dick in caramel wasn’t what she meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lkxtk/the_girl_i_met_last_night_told_me_she_just_wanted/
%
My friends gave me the nickname branches...

Because it sticks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lkxel/my_friends_gave_me_the_nickname_branches/
%
“Son, I found a condom in your room.” “Gee thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”
“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lkwrr/son_i_found_a_condom_in_your_room_gee_thanks/
%
Magician: For my next trick, I will disappear.

Magician: Fuck you pear! Mangoes taste much better than you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lksns/magician_for_my_next_trick_i_will_disappear/
%
Patient: Doc, as per your advice,

I have stopped drinking, now I only drink alcohol if someone insists.
Doctor: Ok!
who is the gentleman with you?
Patient: Oh, he?
He is the one I employed to insist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lkrj8/patient_doc_as_per_your_advice/
%
What did Alice take to get to Wonderland?

Alice D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lkq0l/what_did_alice_take_to_get_to_wonderland/
%
If a man is alone in the woods and speaks, and there is no wife to hear him,

Is he STILL WRONG?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lknvc/if_a_man_is_alone_in_the_woods_and_speaks_and/
%
Out of office replies

Suggested New Phrases For Your "Out-Of-The-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:
*I am currently out at a interview for a decent job and will reply to you if
I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
*I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you!
*You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
*Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so
that I may be promoted to management
*I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from vacation on 20/9. Please be patient and your mail will
be deleted in the order it was received.
*Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the
first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
*The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable
to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals
did this over and over.
*Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
*Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
*I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
*Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for
my response.
*Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave
me any messages.
*I've run away to join a different circus.
*I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Davina' instead of 'Dave'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lknnl/out_of_office_replies/
%
“She said she would do anal with me, yesterday.”

“Cool, dude. But what does this have to do with you not being able to sit down?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lknjk/she_said_she_would_do_anal_with_me_yesterday/
%
My grandpa said our generation of kids depend to much on tech...

I said "No, your generation depends too much on tech".
And I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lkllr/my_grandpa_said_our_generation_of_kids_depend_to/
%
FFS my Reddit has been hacked. Please ignore any messages you may get from me about tinned meat...

It’s spam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lkknb/ffs_my_reddit_has_been_hacked_please_ignore_any/
%
What do hicks and hickeys have in common?

They are both red necks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lkfwm/what_do_hicks_and_hickeys_have_in_common/
%
My dad told me he wouldn’t stand for my violent behaviour anymore

I thought that’s pretty fair as I broke both of his legs yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lkegk/my_dad_told_me_he_wouldnt_stand_for_my_violent/
%
Over the years I’ve slept with a ton of women

Now does that sound better than saying I’ve only banged your mum and sister?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lkau9/over_the_years_ive_slept_with_a_ton_of_women/
%
How to check who loves you more: your wife or your dog?

Lock them up in a basement for a few days. Then let them out. Who is more happy to see you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lka1u/how_to_check_who_loves_you_more_your_wife_or_your/
%
A guy was getting ready for a dinner-date with a stunning blonde.

He looked at the mirror and thought: "I should get some color! I know a safe place to get a tan on my roof."
It was blazing hot that day; he went to the roof, undressed, and decided to tan for 30 minutes.
Unfortunately, he fell asleep; and when he woke up, he was badly burned especially at the groin region. Also he only had an hour before the date, so he was not able to do first aid.
The guy drove off towards the blonde's house where, fast forward, they were having sex; and after he came, the sunburn acted up.
The pain was too much at this point, so he excused himself and said that he was going to get a drink.
He went to the kitchen and opened the fridge where there was a bottle of wine, and two cartons of juice and milk.
He frantically took the wine and doused his crotch. He was relieved but only for a minute, so he grabbed the juice and poured it onto his piece.
At this moment, the blonde was wondering what's taking him so long. So she went to the kitchen where she saw him take out the milk and spill it in his pants.
The blonde chuckled and remarked: "So that's how they refill it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lk8u5/a_guy_was_getting_ready_for_a_dinnerdate_with_a/
%
Never could trust the stairs...

They always look like they’re up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lk71l/never_could_trust_the_stairs/
%
I was once in a meeting with a bunch of people raving about how the script for Tommy Wiseau’s movie is amazing. I finally just said “I doubt it” and they all fell silent and stared at me in anger, until one of them said,

“You really need to read the room.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lk2zy/i_was_once_in_a_meeting_with_a_bunch_of_people/
%
I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree.

I heard he called Mercury a star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ljwbk/im_not_impressed_by_brian_mays_astrophysics_degree/
%
I came here to tell you all a Muslim Joke, but decided against it...

They always blow up in your face anyway...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ljvc8/i_came_here_to_tell_you_all_a_muslim_joke_but/
%
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ljuf9/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
How to write 4 in between 5?

F(IV)E

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lju9z/how_to_write_4_in_between_5/
%
You will find that most monsters are not good at math....

Unless you Count Dracula.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ljteu/you_will_find_that_most_monsters_are_not_good_at/
%
There once was an apple farm...

...which was ran by an old farmer, his daughter, and a hired hand. One day the daughter and the hired hand were working in the cider mill when one of the cider vats became clogged. The hired hand put on a long rubber glove and set to work un-clogging it. Just then, he received a phone call from the old farmer, and he used his free hand to answer the call and put it on speaker.
"Have you seen my daughter?" the farmer asked. "I've been looking all over for her."
Without thinking, the hired hand responded, "Yeah, boss, she's right here. Can I, uh, call you back in a minute? I'm elbow-deep in cider right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ljo81/there_once_was_an_apple_farm/
%
Why didn't Noah fish off the Ark?

He only had 2 worms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ljnyc/why_didnt_noah_fish_off_the_ark/
%
A gorgeous nymphomaniac boarded a plane...

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ljnr1/a_gorgeous_nymphomaniac_boarded_a_plane/
%
A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by savages and are all set to be executed...

The priest lays down on the block, chanting his prayer profusely waiting for the guillotine to drop. The executioner pulls the lever, but the sharp blade stops inches before the preist's neck. The savages are scared of the preist's deity and lets him go. Next, the rabbi does the same and prays silently to himself awaiting the end. Again, after the executioner pulls the lever, the blade stops before beheading him. The rabbi is delighted as he is set free also. Lastly, the engineer lays down face up instead of face down on the block. Before the lever is pulled, he points up to the structure and says "Aha! I knew it. I think I see your problem".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ljkxl/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_an_engineer_get_caught_by/
%
Animal transfiguration

How do you turn a cat into a dog?
Splash some gas on him, step back, toss a lit match, and he goes WOOOF!
BUT IT GETS WORSE:
How do you turn a dog into a cat?
Put him in the freezer for a day, take him out, run him across a tablesaw, and he goes MEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWW...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ljjh4/animal_transfiguration/
%
Moses and Jesus are in a rowboat on the Red sea talking about the "good ole days".

Moses says "I wonder if I still got it?". He stands up, raises his hands to the sky and, WHOOSH! The sea parts.  He lowers his hands, sits down and the water crashes down and returns to a calm.  Jesus says "oh yeah? Watch this!".  He kicks off his sandals stands up and leaps over the side of the boat.  He takes three or four steps on the waters surface then, KERPLUNK! He sinks below the sea.  He comes up spitting and coughing up water, clinging to the side of the boat.  "I don't get it." Jesus says,"I used to do that trick great.". Moses replies,"Yeah, but back then you didn't have the holes in your feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ljfj0/moses_and_jesus_are_in_a_rowboat_on_the_red_sea/
%
A teacher is her quizzing students

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lje3n/a_teacher_is_her_quizzing_students/
%
Who was the original crossfit athlete?

Jesus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ljd2j/who_was_the_original_crossfit_athlete/
%
Whats the difference between Scientology and Spaceballs

One is a classic cult and the other is a cult classic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lja7i/whats_the_difference_between_scientology_and/
%
What’s the difference between family and suicide

My dad didn’t commit to family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lj3iz/whats_the_difference_between_family_and_suicide/
%
The Pillsbury Doughboy died today...

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The  Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications  from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly  greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.  Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies,  and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota , Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man but was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lj1o1/the_pillsbury_doughboy_died_today/
%
Why should children not watch pirate movies?

Because they're ARRR-rated!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9liyz6/why_should_children_not_watch_pirate_movies/
%
What's the difference between a 4-year-old boy and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a 49th story window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9liyl0/whats_the_difference_between_a_4yearold_boy_and_a/
%
What type of exercise plan did Jesus follow?

Crossfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lix92/what_type_of_exercise_plan_did_jesus_follow/
%
A Soviet citizen entered a medical clinic one day and asked to see an ear-and-eye doctor.

Asked about his problem, the man replied, "Well, I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lix2e/a_soviet_citizen_entered_a_medical_clinic_one_day/
%
What did one Catholic Priest say to the other Catholic Priest when they walked into an Orphanage?

Let us prey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9liw0y/what_did_one_catholic_priest_say_to_the_other/
%
What did the crab name his daughter?

Ma-shell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9liv1n/what_did_the_crab_name_his_daughter/
%
I’m in the middle of what you’d call a bit of a dating slump.

I call it adulthood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9line8/im_in_the_middle_of_what_youd_call_a_bit_of_a/
%
You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9likfo/you_hear_about_the_two_guys_that_stole_a_calendar/
%
What do you say when you go on a rollercoaster in France?

Ouiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lijto/what_do_you_say_when_you_go_on_a_rollercoaster_in/
%
My wife was yelling at me saying I never say anything nice about her relatives

So I said that she has a nicer mother-in-law than I do.
I have the scars to prove it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lifc0/my_wife_was_yelling_at_me_saying_i_never_say/
%
A woman was arrested the other day...

Apparently she was pumping gasoline when she spilled a little fuel on her hand. She was in a big hurry so she wiped it as best she could, paid and went on her way. As she was driving down the highway she lit up a cigarette and her hand ignited. A passing police officer immediately crossed the median flipped his lights on and pulled her over. She was arrested and charged with possession of a firearm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lidxn/a_woman_was_arrested_the_other_day/
%
Back in elementary school the other kids used to call me spider-man

because my uncle was shot in the street

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9li9wv/back_in_elementary_school_the_other_kids_used_to/
%
What’s a skeleton’s favorite video game?

Call of DÖÖT-Y!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9li840/whats_a_skeletons_favorite_video_game/
%
What’s the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish farmer?

Mick Jagger says, “Hey you get off of my cloud.”
A Scottish farmer says, “Hey McCloud! Get offa me ewe!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9li5pa/whats_the_difference_between_mick_jagger_and_a/
%
How did Jesus get washboard abs?

He did planks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9li3jn/how_did_jesus_get_washboard_abs/
%
NSFW what happens when you have sex in a swamp?

You get gatoraids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9li2yl/nsfw_what_happens_when_you_have_sex_in_a_swamp/
%
Monk error

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate not celibate," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9li0qs/monk_error/
%
What does a pirate sit on?

His Arrrrrrse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lhzbm/what_does_a_pirate_sit_on/
%
How can you tell an ant's gender?

Simple, put it in water.
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lhsj2/how_can_you_tell_an_ants_gender/
%
Your momma is so fat

Her gravitational field is ridiculously strong making her literally attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lhp1s/your_momma_is_so_fat/
%
Apparently the former limbo world champion is now a homeless crack addict...

Just makes you think, how low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lhnnc/apparently_the_former_limbo_world_champion_is_now/
%
I would not have believed that even after almost 15 years of the show ending, people would still make “Friends” references.

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lhhx5/i_would_not_have_believed_that_even_after_almost/
%
I'm getting real tired of people comparing Trump to Hitler.

I mean, I get it: they both appeal to the radical far right Uber-nationalists and blame problems on minority groups but whatever, it's getting out of hand. Grow up and show some damn respect!Hitler at least actively served in the military and didn't get a deferment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lhd6u/im_getting_real_tired_of_people_comparing_trump/
%
The programmer's wife asked him how much he loved her from 1 to 10

He said  -2,147,483,647. She was very angry, even though he explained that it was a love overflow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lhcnv/the_programmers_wife_asked_him_how_much_he_loved/
%
My dad forgot his dentures on the way to dinner

I said "well dadgum it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lhbxc/my_dad_forgot_his_dentures_on_the_way_to_dinner/
%
Man walks into a black hole and orders a drink.

Bartender says why the long face?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lhb6c/man_walks_into_a_black_hole_and_orders_a_drink/
%
Me: "Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!"

Judge: "Repeat infractions?"
Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lhb33/me_judge_60_of_my_parking_tickets_are_bogus/
%
So, Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lhacm/so_jehovahs_witnesses_dont_celebrate_halloween/
%
Kid: what does a condom do?

Dad: nothing, apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lh92o/kid_what_does_a_condom_do/
%
What's the opposite of Warby Parker?

Peaceby Driver
I wrote this joke myself, please be gentle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lh8pc/whats_the_opposite_of_warby_parker/
%
Somebody once told me that I was going to be a great man

...that asshole lied to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lh57z/somebody_once_told_me_that_i_was_going_to_be_a/
%
My wife says she's fed up of me talking like a newsreader

More on this at 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lh4sf/my_wife_says_shes_fed_up_of_me_talking_like_a/
%
What's black and crispy, and hangs from a chandelier?

An amateur electrician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lh43w/whats_black_and_crispy_and_hangs_from_a_chandelier/
%
The European Commission decided to adopt English as their official language

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. The Government of Ireland conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
Und after zeven yers, ve vil al bi speking German like ze vanted in ze furst plas.
(but seriously english needs umlauts)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lh2tw/the_european_commission_decided_to_adopt_english/
%
A man called up a lawyer and asked: “How much would you charge to answer three questions?”

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: “Two thousand dollars.”
“That’s a bit expensive, isn’t it?”
“Yes, I suppose it is,” said the lawyer. After thinking a moment longer, he added: “So what’s your third question?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lh2bu/a_man_called_up_a_lawyer_and_asked_how_much_would/
%
Once upon a time a thief scouted out a house and got in through the second floor window

Soon he was stuffing his bag with jewelry but he heard a whisper "Jesus is watching"
He didn't move from the spot he was standing for a couple minutes thinking maybe the houses owner was home but soon he decided it was his imagination
But soon after resuming he heard it again "Jesus is watching" the thief heard that it came from the corner where there was a tarp over something
The thief moved across the room and lifted the tarp and under was a parrot in a cage
The thief asked the parrot "was that you whispering?" The parrot responds "yes"
The thief was astounded and asked the parrots name
"David" replied the parrot. The thief responded "what kind of idiot names a parrot David" the parrot replies "the same idiot that named his Rottweiler Jesus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lgzyn/once_upon_a_time_a_thief_scouted_out_a_house_and/
%
When geese fly in a V formation do you know why sometimes one part of the V is much longer than the other?

It has more geese in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lgymh/when_geese_fly_in_a_v_formation_do_you_know_why/
%
So that's why he acts like that . . .

It turns out - beer is bad for you - really!  Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer - hops contain Phytoestrogens - and that by drinking enough beer, men began to act like women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lgxgh/so_thats_why_he_acts_like_that/
%
What do you get if you take-away 3.14 from an opinion?

An onion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lgwp0/what_do_you_get_if_you_takeaway_314_from_an/
%
The Officer Says "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

The soldier says "Sure buddy!"
The officer responds "That's no way to address an officer!  Let's try this again.  Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
"No Sir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lgrlm/the_officer_says_soldier_do_you_have_change_for_a/
%
Two men are sitting on the train

One is very well educated and sophisticated and the other is a sad, simple minded alcoholic.
As the train journey is extremely long and there is nothing else to do, the well educated man decides to entertain himself by playing a game with the alcoholic.
The well educated man says “Let’s play a game! We’ll ask each other questions, when I ask you a question and you don’t know the answer, you have to give me a dollar. But when you ask me a question and I don’t know the answer, I’ll give you one hundred dollars!” The simple minded man agrees to play.
“What’s the capital of Kuwait?”
“I don’t know... here’s a dollar”
“What is the distance between the Earth and the Sun?”
“I don’t know... here’s a dollar”
“How many species of Dolphins are there?”
“I don’t know... here’s a dollar”
The simple minded man then gets to ask his question.
“Horns on its head and horns on its ass, what is it?”
The well educated man gets taken aback as he doesn’t know the answer. He gets frustrated and starts thinking, he spends the next several hours contemplating all the possibilities but he still can’t come up with anything.
“This is a stupid game anyway! Here’s the hundred dollars, I don’t care anymore! Just hurry up and tell me what the hell has horns on its head and horns on its ass”
“I don’t know... here’s a dollar”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lgq1a/two_men_are_sitting_on_the_train/
%
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

....I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lgos7/my_girlfriend_isnt_talking_to_me_she_said_i/
%
My therapist asked me if I was a stress eater. I said of course I'm not a stress eater.

If I could eat stress, I wouldn't need to eat all this food when I'm stressed out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lgkxk/my_therapist_asked_me_if_i_was_a_stress_eater_i/
%
3 old women are sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat walks by and flashes them. 2 of them have a stroke

The other one couldn’t reach that far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lgkim/3_old_women_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench_when_a/
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Do you know what today is?

10-4 good buddy.
The joke is only good once a year so I might as well post it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lggdl/do_you_know_what_today_is/
%
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well

I think they nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lgffl/people_always_say_that_the_romans_didnt_handle/
%
What do the Vikings call their silent language?

Norse Code

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lgf4q/what_do_the_vikings_call_their_silent_language/
%
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life gives you melons...

You're dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lgdvk/when_life_gives_you_lemons_you_make_lemonade_when/
%
Why doesn't sex with a vampire end in pregnancy?

Because he can't come inside without an invitation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lgbw8/why_doesnt_sex_with_a_vampire_end_in_pregnancy/
%
What are the electrician's last words?

...this power cable has no power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lgbf9/what_are_the_electricians_last_words/
%
I've always wanted to steal a huge kitchen utensil...

But I feel like I'd be taking a pretty big whisk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lg88k/ive_always_wanted_to_steal_a_huge_kitchen_utensil/
%
Autocorrect sucks! Look what I've sent to somebody in the office by mistake...

- "Next Tuesday I'll lick you, suck you and bite you all night!"
- Hahahaha, what did you want to say?
- Thursday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lg43l/autocorrect_sucks_look_what_ive_sent_to_somebody/
%
I can’t wait for the new Minecraft movie.

It will probably be a blockbuster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lg43f/i_cant_wait_for_the_new_minecraft_movie/
%
Is sex a joke?

Because I don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lg0i2/is_sex_a_joke/
%
Q: How does an octopus go to war?

A: Well-armed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lfxmj/q_how_does_an_octopus_go_to_war/
%
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg's jokes

I still do, but I used to too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lfunw/i_used_to_steal_mitch_hedbergs_jokes/
%
Billy

So billy is in school and teacher asks the class "if you could be covered in anything what would it be?"
One student puts his hand up and says "gold miss, I could then buy a Lamborghini"
"Well done" says teacher
Another boy puts his hand up and says "platinum miss, it is worth more than gold and I could buy 2 Ferraris"
"Very good" says teacher.
Billy puts his hand up.
"Yes billy"
Billy says " pubic hair miss" and goes on to say "my sister has a small patch and you should see the fucking cars round our house"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lfubu/billy/
%
A man goes to see the doctor...

"Doctor," he says, "How healthy am I? Will I live for a long time?"
"Do you smoke?" the doctor asks.
"No," the man replies.
"Do you drink?"
"No."
"Do you eat red meat?"
"Nope."
"So," says the doctor. "You don't smoke, you don't drink booze and you don't eat steak, is that right?"
"Yep, replies the man. "That's correct!"
"Well," says the doctor. "Then what the hell do you have to live for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lffwp/a_man_goes_to_see_the_doctor/
%
My wife beleives in ghosts,

I'm just happy to have something to blame my farts on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lfcm4/my_wife_beleives_in_ghosts/
%
What do a man who lives in a watch tower by the sea and a 85 lbs hotel maid have in common?

They’re both light house keepers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lfcg1/what_do_a_man_who_lives_in_a_watch_tower_by_the/
%
Love to smoke cannabis but I need to quit, it makes me constipated. So I guess I either...

...shit or get off the pot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lf8wd/love_to_smoke_cannabis_but_i_need_to_quit_it/
%
I totally understand how batteries feel.

I’m rarely ever included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lf7n0/i_totally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
%
After all of these years, scientist have finally proven that diarrhea is hereditary..

It's in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lf5cb/after_all_of_these_years_scientist_have_finally/
%
Not all math puns are bad..

Only sum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9leueo/not_all_math_puns_are_bad/
%
A chicken walks into the library...

A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head. Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it. The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: “Reddit, Reddit, Reddit”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lelxp/a_chicken_walks_into_the_library/
%
I should have been more attentive; my pot has unexpectedly boiled over

Honestly.  It was a little soup rising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lehmh/i_should_have_been_more_attentive_my_pot_has/
%
One day I would love to have sex in Space.

Or on Earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ldu5y/one_day_i_would_love_to_have_sex_in_space/
%
I can't believe Canada is about to legalize weed.

It's Trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ldrp6/i_cant_believe_canada_is_about_to_legalize_weed/
%
Communism works on paper

Unless that paper is used in a history book

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ldpik/communism_works_on_paper/
%
My friend was delighted when he met his clone

He was beside himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ldnzt/my_friend_was_delighted_when_he_met_his_clone/
%
You're the most average girl here

Girl: wow you're mean
Guy: no, you are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ldlpp/youre_the_most_average_girl_here/
%
So this guy is washing his car with his son one day

They work for a couple hours in silence, then the son says, "Dad, can't you just use a rag?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ldkgg/so_this_guy_is_washing_his_car_with_his_son_one/
%
Fred & the nun

Fred, the local stud, walks into the barber shop, and there he sees a beautiful nun in one of the chairs.
"My god, how I'd like to have sex with her" he tells Joe the barber "but nuns are the only women I can't get"
"Well," says Joe the barber, "She will do anything for God. Every day at midnight, that nun prays in the church garden. If you show up dressed up as God, she will do whatever you demand of her."
So Fred dressed himself up as God, fake beard and all, and shows up at the church garden at midnight, and there he sees the nun praying.
"I am God, and I demand that you let me have sex with you!" Fred yells.
"Okay", says the nun "But only anally, because I have to remain a virgin".
Fred agrees and gets right to it.
After the deed, Fred pulls off his beard and says: "Haha! you fell for it! I'm not God, I'm Fred the stud!"
The nun then turns towards him and says "joke's on you. I'm not a nun, I'm Joe the barber!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ldkeu/fred_the_nun/
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Why did the blind man fall into a well?

He couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ldk8w/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_a_well/
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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy.

He said, “Fuck off. Get your own.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ldipt/i_tried_to_share_a_bag_of_chips_with_a_homeless/
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Three porn Super stars were getting drunk....

And they started bragging to each other about their exploits
Porn star 1 said: “Girls, I’m easily the biggest whore in this bar. One time I fucked a famous soccer team. The whole team! Including the towel boy. And I did it by sneaking into the locker room, getting naked, and then just waiting for the game to end.”
Porn star 2 then said: “Pshhh! You’re a nerdy teenager compared to me. I fucked an entire fraternity when I was in University. Even the pledges. And I did it by just walking up, knocking on the front door, and asking who was ready for some fun.”
Porn star 1 was taken aback... but porn star 3 didn’t even blink. She just said “girls, compared to me, you two may as well be a couple of catholic nuns. Wasn’t long ago that I fucked every man, woman, and child in these here UK. And I did it by signing a non disclosure agreement during an election year.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ldf1i/three_porn_super_stars_were_getting_drunk/
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Judge: So Mickey it says here you want to divorce Minnie because she was extremely silly...

Mickey: No, I wanted to divorce her because she was fucking Goofy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ldatg/judge_so_mickey_it_says_here_you_want_to_divorce/
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A young woman goes to her doctor... (NSFW)

A young woman goes to her doctor about two small rashes on her thighs. The doctor tests her for allergies, and then asks “Ma’am, are you a lesbian?” The woman stares for a second, then says “Yes, I am. Why?” “There’s the problem.” the doctor said “Tell your girlfriend to stop wearing cheap earrings.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ldafo/a_young_woman_goes_to_her_doctor_nsfw/
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Why does Ariel wear sea shells?

Because D shells are to big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ld66q/why_does_ariel_wear_sea_shells/
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Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ld5c2/apparently_as_a_4year_old_hitler_was_saved_from/
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I just spotted a massive crowd of ugly clowns. AMA



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ld2w0/i_just_spotted_a_massive_crowd_of_ugly_clowns_ama/
%
What do you call a cow that just had a baby?

Decaffeinated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ld1e0/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_just_had_a_baby/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.
Bonus: Also, how do you circumcise a red neck?
Kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lcwpu/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
So....a son comes home from school and complains to his dad that, for homework, he has to describe the difference between....

the word  “potentially” and  the word “realistically” .
The Dad thinks for a second and says... Well son,   I want you to go ask your sister if she would have sex with the mailman for 2 million dollars. The son does and the sister answers, immediately without hesitation, “Hell yea, I’d fuck the mailman for two million dollars!!” The son reports back the results to his Dad. Then the Dad instructs his son to go ask his Mother the same exact question.  When asked, she thinks for a moment and then replies “ That would do so much for our family, we would be set and all our worries would be fixed.. Yes, I would do it..for all of us..” Son goes and reports to the Dad what his mother said.
“Well Son, POTENTIALLY, we are sitting on 4 million dollars....REALISTICALLY, we just live with a couple of whores.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lcvco/soa_son_comes_home_from_school_and_complains_to/
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Hey babe, heard you were looking for a stud.

I've got the STD, now all I need is you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lctma/hey_babe_heard_you_were_looking_for_a_stud/
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Where do dinosaurs go for leisure while at a hotel?

The Rex room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lcsl2/where_do_dinosaurs_go_for_leisure_while_at_a_hotel/
%
A married couple was in a terrible accident...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lcnee/a_married_couple_was_in_a_terrible_accident/
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Have you ever thought of any alternative names for hell?

I heaven't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lcixb/have_you_ever_thought_of_any_alternative_names/
%
So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.

I save money by filling up just the tank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lci96/so_many_people_complain_about_how_much_money_it/
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What was the lettuces fitness goal?

To get shredded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lchir/what_was_the_lettuces_fitness_goal/
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Turkey has just banned cheese...

It seems they have issues with the curds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lcd0c/turkey_has_just_banned_cheese/
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Soldier on leave

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room  was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a  proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is  an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split  the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in  adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth  it to you.
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll  take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts  bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.  "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem  with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no  time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well,  he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I  gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered  in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lccf8/soldier_on_leave/
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Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lcbo8/two_guys_and_a_girl_were_sitting_at_a_bar_talking/
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A grizzly bear walks into a bar

Bartender: What can I get you?
Bear: How about a rum and........ coke?
Bartender: Sure thing, but uh, why the large pause?
Bear: Hm, I don’t know, guess I was just born with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lc7sj/a_grizzly_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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[Long] Veteran of Mexican war

Guy walks down the street of Texas when he sees a homeless guy with wooden leg. He immediately thinks: "Of course, some dirty homeless guy asking for money...".
Then he notices a written note in front of the homeless guy saying: "Veteran of Mexican war".
Guy remembers what was going on during the war, he realized how the homeless guy was fighting for him while he was sitting at home doing nothing. He throws $5 to the homeless guy to show some appreciation for his sacrifice.
And the homeless guy replies with big smile: "Gracias senor, gracias".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lc6vf/long_veteran_of_mexican_war/
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What did the man who grabbed the wrong coffee cup say?

That's not my cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lc5ng/what_did_the_man_who_grabbed_the_wrong_coffee_cup/
%
Why are astronauts always so calm and efficient?

Zero pressure in vacuum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lc5mr/why_are_astronauts_always_so_calm_and_efficient/
%
It's Good Buddy Day

10-4, good buddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lc3bq/its_good_buddy_day/
%
A man had three beautiful girlfriends and didn't know which one to marry.

As a test, he decided to give each one $5000 to see how they would spend it.
The first girlfriend used her share to get a complete makeover. "I spent the money so that I could look pretty because I love you very much." She said.
The second girlfriend used her money to buy the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and a flat screen TV. "I bought all these things for you to make you happy because I love you very much." She justified.
The third girlfriend invested her $5000 in the stock market and doubled it. She returned the $5000 to the man and reinvested the rest. "I wanted us to have a stable future because I love you very much." She enunciated.
The man thought long and hard about the three options and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
(Obviously this is fake as a man with three girlfriends would end up broke in a hospital with no girlfriends.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lc0df/a_man_had_three_beautiful_girlfriends_and_didnt/
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A couple of newlyweds were driving down the countryside...

And after some time, they noticed a couple of pigs resting in a field nearby. The wife said: "Look honey, your family! Haha". And the guy replied: "Oh my, yeah, those are my in-laws".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbzhq/a_couple_of_newlyweds_were_driving_down_the/
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Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn’t tell the kids...

He gives them a clue. “It’s what your mom calls me!”. The son yells, “it’s a fucking dick don’t eat it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lby5a/dad_cooks_deer_for_dinner_and_doesnt_tell_the_kids/
%
I am an accounts payable clerk. It’s no a glamorous job

But it pays the bills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbsbp/i_am_an_accounts_payable_clerk_its_no_a_glamorous/
%
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbrh1/if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to_kilograms/
%
Gender is like your nose mucus

If it's fluid, you're not healthy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbrcu/gender_is_like_your_nose_mucus/
%
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather: quietly in my sleep.

Not screaming for my life like his passengers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbr37/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_like_my_grandfather/
%
I went on a date with a chess player...

I went on a date with a chess player to an Italian restaurant. With checkered table cloths. It took him maybe half an hour to pass the salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbq3y/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_chess_player/
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A farmer buys a young cock

A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one.
When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die"
The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees.
"I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around"
The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead
The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbphi/a_farmer_buys_a_young_cock/
%
In the news...

There was a robbery at a local hair salon.  The police are combing the area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbpgz/in_the_news/
%
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

Because if there were 4, it would be called a Chicken Sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbovl/why_do_chicken_coops_have_2_doors/
%
I went outside for the first time in a long time today...

The graphics were shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbn5z/i_went_outside_for_the_first_time_in_a_long_time/
%
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven

He meets God there and asks him: "Dear God, you know me, I'm the author of worlds most famous equation. Would you show me the equation you used to create man?"
God takes a pencil and a piece of paper, scribbles something down and gives it to him.
Einstein is studying the formula for a long time and in the end says: "But there's an error here..."
"Yeah, I know"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbmvi/albert_einstein_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Famous last words of a coke-addicted actress:

Hey, that was my line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbmva/famous_last_words_of_a_cokeaddicted_actress/
%
I was in the confessional booth today, and I asked the priest if he thought it would be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said "Sure, if it bothers you, I’ll stop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbjtf/i_was_in_the_confessional_booth_today_and_i_asked/
%
Two men stood next to each other on the busy streets of NY with donation signs; one with a Cross, and one with Islamic symbols and writing

As the day passed, people walking by would donate to the Christian man and left the Muslim mans donation bucket empty. A muslim passerby found the men and realized that nobody was donating to the muslim. He went up to him and told the man carrying the sign to at least,  not stand next to the christian guy and go somewhere else for better luck.
The man with the muslim sign shouts over to the christian man and says "Hey Mohammed! this guy is trying to teach us how to do business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbh78/two_men_stood_next_to_each_other_on_the_busy/
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Why does no one like to talk about sexual assault?

It’s a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbgvo/why_does_no_one_like_to_talk_about_sexual_assault/
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What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbffw/what_do_a_nearsighted_gynecologist_and_a_puppy/
%
A Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says

Make me one with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lbbhe/a_buddhist_monk_goes_to_a_hot_dog_stand_and_says/
%
What's better then someone putting roses on your piano?

Someone putting tulips on your organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lb97p/whats_better_then_someone_putting_roses_on_your/
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(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN

Ha! I just foiled your plan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lb7hp/plan_papnlaln/
%
What is brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lb6qw/what_is_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school

She called it “Cutting hedge technology”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lb1cs/my_daughter_made_a_giant_pair_of_shears_from/
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What do you call it when someone owns too many dogs?

A roverdose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lav15/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_owns_too_many/
%
What's big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

The Pacific Ocean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9las99/whats_big_and_blue_and_if_it_fell_out_of_a_tree/
%
There is only one thing I hate more than communism.

And that's people who are more prosperous than me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lapvd/there_is_only_one_thing_i_hate_more_than_communism/
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Why do skydiving companies have excellent reviews?

Because it was awesome for the people who survived

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lap54/why_do_skydiving_companies_have_excellent_reviews/
%
If minecraft taught me one thing... ￼

It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9laoun/if_minecraft_taught_me_one_thing/
%
Make sure to drink enough water when using the internet...

... otherwise you could have trouble with the IP protocol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9laor3/make_sure_to_drink_enough_water_when_using_the/
%
A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store..

'Can you go down to the store, and get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get 12.’
Later on he returns home with 12 loaves of bread. His wife said 'Why the hell do you have 12 loaves of bread?’
He responded 'They had eggs.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lanou/a_wife_asks_her_programmer_husband_to_go_to_the/
%
Doctor, I only have 59 seconds to live

Doctor: I'll be with you in a minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lan7t/doctor_i_only_have_59_seconds_to_live/
%
He got the order wrong.

Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lagck/he_got_the_order_wrong/
%
A guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl tied to his back.

The host says to him "What are you supposed to be?"
"I'm a Snail" he says.
"Oh yeah, who's the girl then?" Asks the host.
"Oh that's Michelle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lafq5/a_guy_goes_to_a_halloween_party_with_a_girl_tied/
%
The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked
"Very critical," replied the officer
“What the hell is she complaining about now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lafej/the_police_called_to_tell_me_that_my_wife_was_in/
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What’s the one thing worse than necrophilia?

Letting a dead body go to waste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9lackr/whats_the_one_thing_worse_than_necrophilia/
%
Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9la9vn/why_dont_some_couples_go_to_the_gym/
%
What kind of internet to flies use?

Wi-Fly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9la9ae/what_kind_of_internet_to_flies_use/
%
What the the right butt cheek say to the left?

WE CANT STOP THIS SHIT!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9la95b/what_the_the_right_butt_cheek_say_to_the_left/
%
99 Programming bugs in the Code

99 programming bugs in the code.
99 programming bugs.
Take one down, patch it all up.
111 programming bugs in the code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9la461/99_programming_bugs_in_the_code/
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A gay man, a straight woman and a programmer are stranded on a deserted island.

During the first night, the gay man goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the woman so he could have a normal sex life.
The second night, the woman goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the gay man so she could have a normal sex life.
The third night, the programmer kills both the woman and the man so he could have normal sex life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9la16s/a_gay_man_a_straight_woman_and_a_programmer_are/
%
Two cows got into a fight

It turns out they had beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l9z37/two_cows_got_into_a_fight/
%
What’s a skeleton’s favorite board game?

Tibial Pursuit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l9w56/whats_a_skeletons_favorite_board_game/
%
I lost my watch at a party once,

Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude and punched him straight in the nose.
No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l9rfh/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
%
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l9px0/i_spent_5000_on_a_boob_job_for_the_wife/
%
Barista: "Would you like Synonym on your Chai latte?"

Customer: "Don't you mean Cinnamon?"
Barista: "It means the same thing, doesn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l9otl/barista_would_you_like_synonym_on_your_chai_latte/
%
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over...

The policeman says: "Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km  per hour?"
The electron goes: "Oh great, now I'm lost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l9o39/an_electron_is_driving_down_a_motorway_and_a/
%
TIL there was once a serial killer that created his own language involving clicks and taps.

He called it “Remorse Code”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l9nhi/til_there_was_once_a_serial_killer_that_created/
%
A guy walks into a bar and yells out "ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!"

A guy in the bar stood up and said
"HEY! I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT!"
What are you a lawyer or something?!
"No I'm an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l9m5o/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_yells_out_all_lawyers/
%
What do you call a kid who ate both his father and mother?

...an orphan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l9gxs/what_do_you_call_a_kid_who_ate_both_his_father/
%
Hey girl, are you an obelisk?

Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l9g0g/hey_girl_are_you_an_obelisk/
%
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg...

You could hear them say:
&nbsp;
**WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l9cxo/did_you_know_that_if_you_put_your_ear_up_to_a/
%
One day little Timmy was taking a bath...

And his Mom decided to check up on him,
"How are you doing in there Timmy?"
"Fine mom! I'm just blowing bubbles!"
"Ok then" And his mom walks away,
A while later she goes to check up on him again and knocks the door,
"Are you done with your bath yet?"
"Yes mom'
"Can I come in?"
"Sure mom"
His mother opens the door and is in absolute shock to see a grown man dressed as a clown sitting on the toilet seat,
"T-Timmy, Who is that?!"
"Don't worry mom, This is just my new friend, *Bubbles*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l99p5/one_day_little_timmy_was_taking_a_bath/
%
I used to be scared of pretty girls,

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l98oo/i_used_to_be_scared_of_pretty_girls/
%
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.

Alcohol IS a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l96g4/it_turns_out_my_high_school_chemistry_teacher_was/
%
A Gentlemanly Bragging Contest

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . .
The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minutes."
The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special perfumed aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for three minutes."
The Englishman said: "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l92sk/a_gentlemanly_bragging_contest/
%
Why did Vivaldi die poor?

Because he was baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l920h/why_did_vivaldi_die_poor/
%
Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A kid fell in a puddle!
Wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with Bubbles!
Wanna hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles was the girl next door!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l8wsn/wanna_hear_a_dirty_joke/
%
When our son was 5...

I tried to get him with the old joke "What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?" The classic answer, of course, is "Finding half a worm." So I said "Hey Michael, what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?" He thought a few seconds, then said "Falling into a volcano?"
After I finally stopped laughing, I said "Yes, that *is* worse than finding a worm in an apple!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l8wjq/when_our_son_was_5/
%
A blonde girl is making out with her boyfriend...

...after a while she backs off and says "I have a great idea! Why don't we play hide and seek?"
Her boyfriend shrugs. "Sounds a bit childish. Why would we do that?"
She says "Because, if you find me...I'll give you a blowjob."
"And what if I can't find you?"
"Oh, I'll be behind the couch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l8u98/a_blonde_girl_is_making_out_with_her_boyfriend/
%
A skinny little white guy gets off work and walks into an elevator

, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "6'8" tall, 250 pounds, 8 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle (I didn't pee today), Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? "
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 6'8" tall, I weigh 250 pounds, I have a 8 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds because I didn't pee today, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l8r0x/a_skinny_little_white_guy_gets_off_work_and_walks/
%
Julie’s mum and dad had brought her up well...

But now she was off to university and they were worried that their beloved daughter would struggle to maintain their standards once away from parental supervision. Her mum came up with an idea, and extracted a promise from Julie that, before she did anything (eyebrows pointedly raised) for the first time, she’d call home first and talk it through with her folks.
Julie reluctantly agreed and off to Uni she went.
At the end of freshers’ week, about one o’clock in the morning, Julie’s folks are woken by the phone ringing. After a moment or two of disorientation, realisation dawns that this is likely to be Julie, keeping her promise. They’re immediately in full panic and it takes a moment to compose themselves and answer.
“Hello?”
“Mum? It’s Julie”
“Hello dear. It’s very early.”
“Yes Mum, but you made me promise to phone you before I did... anything... for the first time.”
“Yes dear. Now listen, ...”.
“Well Mum, I’m going to do... something... for the first time.”
“Now, dear, don’t rush into this, your father and I...”
“With a boy.”
“Now Julie, really,...”
“A nice boy. He’s called Kevin, and he’s totally gorgeous.”
“Now Julie, looks aren’t everything, ...”
“I know that mum. He’s really kind too. He’s been showing me the way to do things here and this morning he’s going to take me all the way...”
“Julie, really, after everything we’ve taught you, are you going to do this in your first week at University?”
“Well yes, Mum. Actually, I am. I’m quite certain. Tomorrow, with a bit of help from Kevin, for the first time ever, I’m...”
“Julie, this is your father, think carefully about this!”
“...going to a lecture on statistical thermodynamics. Goodnight!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l8mra/julies_mum_and_dad_had_brought_her_up_well/
%
I asked the librarian if the book about small penises is available

She said, "I dont think it's in." and I said, "Ya that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l8j91/i_asked_the_librarian_if_the_book_about_small/
%
Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l8fq7/last_weekend_i_went_to_see_my_gfs_soccer_match/
%
Jesus said "Come forth and thou shall receive everlasting life,"

I came fifth, and got a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l8e7s/jesus_said_come_forth_and_thou_shall_receive/
%
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant girlfriend?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l8awq/whats_the_difference_between_a_light_bulb_and_a/
%
They say if you have a big car you have a small dick and if you have big shoes you have a big dick...

No wonder people are so afraid of clowns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l87i6/they_say_if_you_have_a_big_car_you_have_a_small/
%
What's black, white and red all over?

A skunk in a blender. I will admit it smells terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l85wf/whats_black_white_and_red_all_over/
%
I just heard a great joke about cocaine.

It was so funny I snorted a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l83yw/i_just_heard_a_great_joke_about_cocaine/
%
Did you know blind people can skydive?

Scares the crap out of the dogs though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l82jx/did_you_know_blind_people_can_skydive/
%
I accidentally sent inappropriate photos to everyone in my address book

Not only is it embarrassing, it's cost me a fortune in stamps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l80pt/i_accidentally_sent_inappropriate_photos_to/
%
Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l7uxe/why_dont_italians_like_jehovahs_witnesses/
%
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.

I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l7sqr/a_mosquito_was_trying_to_land_on_my_arm/
%
Why did the Ancient Egyptians really like iron?

Because iron is pharaohmagnetic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l7rsg/why_did_the_ancient_egyptians_really_like_iron/
%
“Give it to me now!” She yelled “I’m so wet!”

She can scream all she wants, she’s not getting my fucking umbrella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l7lrb/give_it_to_me_now_she_yelled_im_so_wet/
%
I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany..

Where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l7kh4/i_was_scheduled_to_fly_from_north_carolina_to/
%
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available,

An elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from  the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l7ixa/shortly_after_the_911_emergency_number_became/
%
What does a mama bear on birth control have in common with the world series?

No cubs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l7azh/what_does_a_mama_bear_on_birth_control_have_in/
%
What can make X squared equal negative 1?

i can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l778y/what_can_make_x_squared_equal_negative_1/
%
My wife and I are big believers in coconut oil as lube, it's been great for us really...

But now whenever I make macaroons I get a boner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l74z9/my_wife_and_i_are_big_believers_in_coconut_oil_as/
%
Women's rights in Saudi Arabia

Are just a stone's throw away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l6yoj/womens_rights_in_saudi_arabia/
%
I've always wanted a Theremin

But I could never get my hands on one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l6vtv/ive_always_wanted_a_theremin/
%
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away.
The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual.
Then came another gloriously beautiful evening -- red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze -- again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said,
"Um... would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l6vq4/a_guy_a_pig_and_a_dog_are_the_only_survivors_of_a/
%
I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding.

That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l6tcn/i_never_understood_how_a_grown_man_could_cry_at/
%
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it was stuck in the crack!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l6ro0/why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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Puns for days

When my youngest daughter was 6 or so she was playing with a newly discovered wart on her foot in the car when the oldest pipes up
Oldest: eww what are you doing to your foot?
Youngest: dont wartty about it.
I had to pull over,i havent laughed so hard in a long time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l6r5o/puns_for_days/
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A man walks up to you and asks, "What happens when you combined a joke with a rhetorical question?"

*the man walks away laughing*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l6mzu/a_man_walks_up_to_you_and_asks_what_happens_when/
%
My wife is turning 32 soon...

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l6klg/my_wife_is_turning_32_soon/
%
Sperm journey

One sperm asks another, “How far is it to the ovaries?” The other one answers, “Relax. We only just passed the tonsils.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l6e04/sperm_journey/
%
Plumber and a lawyer

A pipe bursts in a lawyer’s house, so he calls a plumber. The plumber arrives, unpacks his tools, does mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and hands the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaims, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!”
The plumber replies sympathetically, “Neither did I when I was a lawyer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l6cp4/plumber_and_a_lawyer/
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I got twelve upvotes the last time I made a 9/11 joke here.

I guess you could say it crashed and burned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l6c9i/i_got_twelve_upvotes_the_last_time_i_made_a_911/
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l69ew/why_do_squirrels_swim_on_their_backs/
%
Freudian Slip

Last Thanksgiving I experienced an embarrassing Freudian slip. What I meant to say was "Mother could you please pass the hot buttered rolls?" What I actually said was "You bitch. You ruined my life".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l67d5/freudian_slip/
%
A midget stumbles out of a bar

He's a little drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l66fz/a_midget_stumbles_out_of_a_bar/
%
What kind of bees make milk ?

Boo bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l6576/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk/
%
John F. Kennedys real name is only John Kennedy

The F was added after his death to pay respect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l5z62/john_f_kennedys_real_name_is_only_john_kennedy/
%
A pen and paper were arguing

In the middle of the fight the paper lays flat and says, “You know what, you write.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l5tjr/a_pen_and_paper_were_arguing/
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Traffic Police stopped the priest due to over speeding

.
Smelling alcohol on the good father's breath and noticing a wine bottle on the passenger's seat, the police asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
The priest replies, "Just water."
"Then, why do I smell wine?" the traffic cop inquires.
The priest looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l5p0p/traffic_police_stopped_the_priest_due_to_over/
%
What do Asians have when their scalps are itchy.

Rice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l57ce/what_do_asians_have_when_their_scalps_are_itchy/
%
Hey dad, remember when I killed that honeybee?

And you said no honey for a week?
And do you remember when you said no butter for a week when I killed a butterfly?
Mom just killed a cockroach. Should I break the bad news to her?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l56v8/hey_dad_remember_when_i_killed_that_honeybee/
%
I was going to post a time travel joke

But you didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l56rc/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_travel_joke/
%
After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.

As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the
meaning of life?"
To which Jesus replies, "You slave in the sun to support the ones you love.
You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."
The man asks, "Jesus, why is life so hard?"
To which Jesus replies, "That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many
obstacles to be successful."
The man asks again, "How was the universe created?"
Jesus replies, "I'm sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm
trying to mow your lawn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l55vv/after_a_stressful_day_one_man_comes_home_and_sits/
%
A young couple is watching TV together.

Doctor Phil comes on, and the boyfriend scoffs. "This guy doesn't know shit!" he says.
The girlfriend is annoyed and tells him to shush. They continue watching. The boyfriend continues scoffing, and the girlfriend continues to shush him.
Doctor Phil says, "Sometimes you can say something to your man that makes him happy. Sometimes you say things that make him sad. And sometimes, you say something that makes him happy and sad at the same time."
"That's bullshit!" The boyfriend says. "You can't name one thing that would make me happy and sad at the same time!"
The girl looks at him and says, "Out of all your buddies, brothers, and cousins, you have the biggest dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l50e9/a_young_couple_is_watching_tv_together/
%
Where can you find a dog with no legs?

In the same place you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l4zkt/where_can_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.
When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He reaches for his smokes to light up a cigarette, and realizes they're missing from his shirt pocket. "Fuck!" he says. "Oh no!"
Not wanting to tear up the whole rug again, he decides to just take a 2x4 and mashes the lump down flat. Crunch, crunch, crunch! Mash, mash, mash. Squish, squish. It takes him a good 20 minutes to completely flatten the carpet again, but at the end of it you can't even tell the lump was ever there. He grins at a job well done.
Just then the little old lady walks in. "Are these your cigarettes, dear?" she says. "I found them beside the toilet. I've been looking everywhere for my poor little hamster Petey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l4x1y/a_little_old_lady_calls_a_carpet_installation/
%
Almost every phone in the US got an emergency presidential alert today....

Unfortunately it was two years too late

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l4wny/almost_every_phone_in_the_us_got_an_emergency/
%
A blonde bought two horses...

..., and could never remember which was which. A
neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked
great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just
right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was
stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine
until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again
our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure
the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that
the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l4vpx/a_blonde_bought_two_horses/
%
How big are water bottles in North Korea?

One supreme liter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l4v1g/how_big_are_water_bottles_in_north_korea/
%
What Is An Example Of A Failure And A Success At The Same Time?

Children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l4oaa/what_is_an_example_of_a_failure_and_a_success_at/
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I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words.

“Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l4mxm/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
%
Bill comes across a very attractive woman in his new apartment

He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and sighs, "Lets go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l4l54/bill_comes_across_a_very_attractive_woman_in_his/
%
I'm dating a woman whose fake boobs contain water from the ocean.

She's a sea cup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l4gk6/im_dating_a_woman_whose_fake_boobs_contain_water/
%
John goes to a dentist

Dentist: This will hurt a bit.
John: Ok.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l4fcd/john_goes_to_a_dentist/
%
What did the duck say when he was admitted to the mental institution?

"I think I've finally reached my quacking point."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l4d6u/what_did_the_duck_say_when_he_was_admitted_to_the/
%
Wife is missing

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Color of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Color of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?
Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l4czs/wife_is_missing/
%
My girlfriend and I didn’t have a second date

Because on the first date I didn’t open the car door for her…
I just swam to the surface.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l4b19/my_girlfriend_and_i_didnt_have_a_second_date/
%
Dating women is like squaring numbers..

If they’re under 15, just do them in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l49qc/dating_women_is_like_squaring_numbers/
%
How do robots go to the bathroom?

They come poot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l46qg/how_do_robots_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
Switched to Windows Mobile yesterday

Very Unappy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l438m/switched_to_windows_mobile_yesterday/
%
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday.

The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “that’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “that’s inflation for you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l3zyk/my_daughter_wanted_a_bouncy_castle_for_her/
%
[presidential test post]

pls ignore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l3rka/presidential_test_post/
%
If you put shoes on a bear...

...does he still have bare feet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l3pbp/if_you_put_shoes_on_a_bear/
%
Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "They gave those away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l3k60/wife_dreamed_that_she_was_attending_a_dick_auction/
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I went on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

Never again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l3j6a/i_went_on_a_onceinalifetime_holiday/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and  asks the bar tender and the bar tender points a sign and says "hey your drinks tonight will be on the house if you can get my horse to laugh, he's always in a bad mood and it's bad for business" so the man says " well damn it's worth a shot alright" he walks up to the horse and and whispers something in his ear. The horse starts howling with laughter. The man goes back to the bar and drinks happily for the rest of the night
A month later the man Comes back to the Sam bar and sees a new sign and asks the bar tender what it's about. The bar tender says " since you made that joke the horse still can't stop laughing! He's having trouble eating and the sound he makes is driving away more customers than before! If you can get him to stop I'll give you free beer for a month" again the man says it's worth a try and he walks up to the horse messes around with the buckle of his pants as he whisperes something into the horses ear. The immediately stops laughing and sheds some tears. And the man had another great night.
Now that the man has free beer for a month he comes back the next day and the bar tender pulls him aside and says " man I just got to know how you did it. What could you have possibly said to that horse?"
The man says " well the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l3es5/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l3e9c/two_sisters_one_blonde_and_one_brunette_inherit/
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I just burned my Hawaiian pizza...

I should’ve made it on aloha temperature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l3e0x/i_just_burned_my_hawaiian_pizza/
%
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.
"It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick!
Spit'em out!
They're assholes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l3dno/a_teacher_was_working_with_a_group_of_children/
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My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l3c9r/my_dad_a_vietnam_veteran_told_me_that_theres_one/
%
So, my child just broke my new iPhone X screen. So, here’s a give away to a random Redditor!

She’s about 7, can do math and housework. Anyone interested?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l39nc/so_my_child_just_broke_my_new_iphone_x_screen_so/
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Difference between I.T and management

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l37w8/difference_between_it_and_management/
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Mafia have boiled a man to death in an industrial pasta cooker.

Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l302y/mafia_have_boiled_a_man_to_death_in_an_industrial/
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What happens if a cop catches you peeing outside?

Urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l2yif/what_happens_if_a_cop_catches_you_peeing_outside/
%
Was at my doctor's today and he said...

" I've got some good news and some bad news"
"OK Doc, give me the bad news"
"Well, I'm afraid you have Alzheimer's" he said.
"Fuck me Doc, what's the good news"
"Well, you'll never read another repost on Reddit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l2xnt/was_at_my_doctors_today_and_he_said/
%
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar,

so I have to fill her slot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l2wzc/my_colleague_can_no_longer_attend_next_weeks/
%
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l2wvs/i_opened_a_company_selling_landmines_disguised_as/
%
Halloween teens Party

A young boy walks into a Halloween teen party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of loose jeans.
The host says, “Well, , this is a costume party.”
The young boy responds, “I’m in costume. I’m a premature ejaculation.”
The host asks, “how’s that?”
“I just came in my pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l2la4/halloween_teens_party/
%
What is an epileptic's favourite food?

Seizure Salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l2l2u/what_is_an_epileptics_favourite_food/
%
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'  The husband, rejected, turns over.  A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.  'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l2l0j/one_night_as_a_couple_lays_down_for_bed_the/
%
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l2hw7/a_male_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_cop_and_the/
%
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.
" Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l2ffi/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_are_seated_next_to_each/
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Why do French eat snails

Because they don’t like fast food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l27wh/why_do_french_eat_snails/
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I have an amazing joke about Dragon Ball Z.

Find out tomorrow on R/jokes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l25x2/i_have_an_amazing_joke_about_dragon_ball_z/
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I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.

And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l22yb/ive_been_happily_married_for_ten_whole_years/
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Stalin said dark humor was kind of like food

Only some people get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l20jv/stalin_said_dark_humor_was_kind_of_like_food/
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Visiting my mum is like visiting the Chinese government.

When you go round you only see the nice China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1zh8/visiting_my_mum_is_like_visiting_the_chinese/
%
I was mugged last night

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.
Pointing a knife at me he yelled, "your money or your life!"
I told him I'm married so I have no money and no life
We hugged and cried together....it was a beautiful moment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1y23/i_was_mugged_last_night/
%
When you get a bladder infection,

urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1x76/when_you_get_a_bladder_infection/
%
I talked to Death today

We got into an argument, he said there would be Reapercussions for my actions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1vzg/i_talked_to_death_today/
%
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery....

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1vc9/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
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Yo mama so fat

Thanos had to clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1txc/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
What do you call a helpful potato?

A facili-tater!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1tdx/what_do_you_call_a_helpful_potato/
%
Wanna here a joke about Vikings?

Never mind, there’s Norway you’d laugh at it.
- my sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1rxl/wanna_here_a_joke_about_vikings/
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Where is the annual no arms and no legs baseball game held?

Wriggly Field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1nag/where_is_the_annual_no_arms_and_no_legs_baseball/
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What does a condom and a coffin have in common?

They both hold stiffs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1mvf/what_does_a_condom_and_a_coffin_have_in_common/
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Crush: Why should I trust you? All the guys I've been dating have been dogs.

Me: .........
Crush: Well? Aren't you going to say anything?
Me: ........... meow?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1kok/crush_why_should_i_trust_you_all_the_guys_ive/
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What do you call someone who comes over uninvited, and tries to get you to work out with them?

A Jehovah fitness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1hbd/what_do_you_call_someone_who_comes_over_uninvited/
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A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

A  man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber gets him  lathered, he mentions he can't get a close shave on his cheeks.
"I have just the thing" the barber takes a small wooden ball from a  small drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum" The customer  places the ball in his cheek and gets the closest shave he has ever  experienced.
After the shave, the customer asks in garbled  speech "what if I swallow it?" "Not a problem" says the barber. "Just  bring it back tomorrow like everyone else"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1han/a_man_enters_a_barbershop_for_a_shave/
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Going for a meal

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a  German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an  Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a  Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a  Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a  Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri  Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a  Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a  Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an  Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a  Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a  Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a  Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an  Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a  Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an  Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian,  a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a  Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2  Africans...
walk into a very fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...
"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1gix/going_for_a_meal/
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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He  lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the  second half of his round trip ticket. He went out to the front of the  casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his  situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home  but to no avail. The cabbie said “If you don”t have fifteen dollars, get  the hell out of my cab!”
So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One  year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won  big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the  casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long  line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he  was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab  in the line. “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen  bucks,” came the reply.” And how much for you to give me a bl0wjob on  the way?” he added. “What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!”
The  businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same  result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got  in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied  “fifteen bucks” to which the businessman replied “ok” and off they went.
As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver. !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1eno/a_successful_businessman_flew_to_vegas_for_the/
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After a long emotional struggle, my three feet tall uncle finally announced that he is gay.

I’m glad that he decided to come out of the cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1eas/after_a_long_emotional_struggle_my_three_feet/
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Erotic asphyxiation is confusing

I can't tell if people are coming or going

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1cop/erotic_asphyxiation_is_confusing/
%
A guy walks into a bar

And sees a jar labeled “bar challenge” loaded with $5 bills. He asks the bartender and the bartender says “well, you put 5 bucks in, and if you complete the challenge, you take the money home.” So the guy asks what the challenge is.
“Well, you gotta drink a 5th of Jack Daniels, pull a tooth from Cujo, our German Shepard our back, and then you gotta fuck granny.”
So the guys says “easy” and drops a 5 in the jar. The bartender slides him the fifth of jack and the guy downs it easy.
So the bartender leads him out the back door to the dog, and shuts the door behind him. After a minute or two he hears the dog whimpering and crying.
He opens the door to see the guy standing there, drunk, who looks at him and says, “alright, now where’s that grandma that I gotta pull her tooth?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1ca1/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know, and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1alw/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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If Groot had kids, and one of them betrayed the guardians

it would be treason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l17mt/if_groot_had_kids_and_one_of_them_betrayed_the/
%
What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Blackbeard you've been selected as the pirate of the year and have won a two week Caribbean cruise!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l17g4/whats_a_pirates_least_favourite_letter/
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(NSFW) What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean?

I haven’t paid $300 to have a lima bean on my chest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l169v/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and/
%
I had to have my left leg and arm amputated.

That's not what I thought the doctor meant when he said I was going to be "all right"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l1631/i_had_to_have_my_left_leg_and_arm_amputated/
%
A teenage boy can't find a date for prom NSFW

He's new to the school, and has had a tough time making friends. After several weeks of moping about because he's too embarrassed to go alone, his older sister finally gives in, and tells him she'll pretend to be his date because no one at the school knows her anyway.
Unfortunately, when the first slow dance begins, she spots her brother sitting glumly off to the side, and can't help offering to dance, just once, with him. Nobody seems to care or notice, so they dance together through the night and have a great time.
As they're driving home, she notices him sullenly looking out the window. Knowingly, she pulls into a motel parking lot and tells him, "Listen, I know you were hoping to get down with someone tonight and that is definitely not happening, but we can sleep in the same bed and you can pretend in the morning that you just had amazing sex with some girl from your class." Instantly, he brightens up, so they rent a room.
While laying together in bed, they begin talking about old relationships when it becomes clear that he has never even had a girlfriend. In complete disbelief, she tells herself to swallow her pride and help him out. "Okay," she says. "Just this one time, I want you to kiss me so you know how it feels and what to do. I don't want you to flame out like a spazz when you finally get a chance."
They begin kissing and start feeling so amorous toward each other that they start to forget their proper boundaries. Clothes come off so quickly that before they know it they're doing the deed! But not all is well. After a couple minutes, he looks deep into her eyes, and says "Fuck, sis, you're looser than mom!"
"I know," she says. "Dad told me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l11oo/a_teenage_boy_cant_find_a_date_for_prom_nsfw/
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A man went to the doctor after recovering from a heart attack.

After the exam, the doctor asked the wife to speak in private. The Doc said: "If you cook your husband two home cooked meals a day and have sex with him thee times a week, he'll live for a long time." On the way home the husband asked, "What did the Doctor say?" The wife said, "You're going to die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l0zkz/a_man_went_to_the_doctor_after_recovering_from_a/
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Whats the difference between being self-motivated and being too hard on yourself?

Viagra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l0ue5/whats_the_difference_between_being_selfmotivated/
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I kinda did...

A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"
A hare responded "I kinda did..."
The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"
The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".
The deer fined the bear $500. A few days later, the window got broken again, so the deer asked "Who broke the window!?"
A squirrel responded "I kinda did..."
The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"
The squirrel said: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".
The deer fined the bear $1000. A few days later, the whole toilet got messed up - the fixtures smashed, the toilet broken and bloodied, the window broken, the door scratched, etc. So the deer asked "Who did all this!?"
The hedgehog replied "I kinda did...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l0r9m/i_kinda_did/
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What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l0lts/whats_the_difference_between_a_paycheck_and_a/
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What do you call a group of skeletons who do trickshots?

Doot perfect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l0lkp/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_skeletons_who_do/
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Johnny and Sarah are in Sunday School....

Johnny and Sarah are sitting in Sunday school class when Sarah begins to fall asleep. The teacher notices this and decides to embarrass Sarah by asking her a question. The teacher asks, "Sarah, who created the heavens and the earth?" Johnny decides to help Sarah out and wake her up, so he covertly takes a pin and pricks her with it. Sarah immediately wakes up from the pain and screams "LORD ALMIGHTY." The teacher is surprised that Sarah answered correctly, but she moves in.
A few moments laters, the teacher sees that Sarah is asleep again, so she asks, "Sarah, who is the son of God?" Again, Johnny pricks her with the pin, and Sarah wakes up and screams "JESUS CHRIST." Once again, the teacher is surprised but she moves on.
Later on, the teacher notices Sarah sleeping once again and decides to ask her a much tougher question. She asks, "Sarah, what did Eve say to Adam after she had their 9th child?" Johnny pokes Sarah with the pin, and she wakes and screams in pain, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, ILL BREAK IT IN HALF."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l0bu3/johnny_and_sarah_are_in_sunday_school/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l0bkr/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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An IT guy is meeting his nerd friend to show him his new laptop.

"Where did you get that from?" The other one asked
"You know, one girl from school asked me if I could repair her laptop, so I was working like two hours on it and once I was done she took off her panties and said me that I could take whatever I want - so I took the laptop."
"You did a right thing! You would definitely look gay in those panties."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l06sq/an_it_guy_is_meeting_his_nerd_friend_to_show_him/
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I like my slaves like I like my coffee

Free -Abraham Lincoln

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l05gp/i_like_my_slaves_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Knock knock. Who’s there? Skeleton.

Skeleton who?
Why’d you ask when there’s nobody there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9l02ot/knock_knock_whos_there_skeleton/
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I hate 9/11 jokes..

My uncle died that day....
Best pilot in Saudia Arabia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzzoq/i_hate_911_jokes/
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A family is at a dinner table.

Suddenly the son ask the father " Dad how many kinds of boobs are there".
The father surprised answers "Well son a woman goes through three phases. In her 20's they are like melons , rough and firm . In her 30's and 40's they are like pears, still nice,but hanging a bit. But in her 50's they are like onions ."
The son confused asks
"onions."
The dad replies " Yes, because they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzxyb/a_family_is_at_a_dinner_table/
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Tommy was born without eyelids

So they circumcised him and used the skin to create eyelids. The operation was a success, he's just a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzvqs/tommy_was_born_without_eyelids/
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Every year John entered the state lottery hoping to win....

..but he never did. Finally he prayed vigorously and hoping for God's message, he walked around the town fair.
A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Suzie's stall. She was bending & he saw she was bare bottomed and had 7 written on each of her butt cheeks .
He bet on 77 as he thought God had given him a clue. He lost again..
The winning number was 707.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzv7k/every_year_john_entered_the_state_lottery_hoping/
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What club to the racist scientists join?

The Potassium Potassium Potassium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzuk9/what_club_to_the_racist_scientists_join/
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I had a disturbing dream last night in which I was shagging my best mate up the arse.

I think it's my subconscious telling me he's gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzub9/i_had_a_disturbing_dream_last_night_in_which_i/
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Why does a blonde go to a room corner, when she feels cold?

Because corner has 90 degrees...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzu3g/why_does_a_blonde_go_to_a_room_corner_when_she/
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What is the most annoying thing after sex?

Hiding the dead body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzrlz/what_is_the_most_annoying_thing_after_sex/
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What's a pirate's favourite letter?

You'd think it would be "R" or "C", but it's actually "P", because without it, he'd be irate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzr3n/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
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Women, sleeping with a bartender won't get you drinks for free...

but it's worth a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzqpb/women_sleeping_with_a_bartender_wont_get_you/
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What do you call an origami artist from the Philippines?

A Manila folder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kznxn/what_do_you_call_an_origami_artist_from_the/
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I got a letter in the mail, threatening to kill me if I don't stop sleeping with his wife...

But the bastard didn't say who he was, so I don't know which one to stop sleeping with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzl8n/i_got_a_letter_in_the_mail_threatening_to_kill_me/
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College Anatomy class

A professor at a university was starting a lecture for his new students.
He says "Welcome to college anatomy 101 where we'll be discussing everything about the human body. Some things that we'll discuss may make you feel a little awkward, but don't worry about that."
To test the level of awkwardness the class will feel during the semester, he points the prettiest girl in the room and asks "do you know what your asshole does when you have an orgasm?"
Without missing a beat, she looks at him and says "Yeah, he's probably out having a beer with his friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzl32/college_anatomy_class/
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C, Eb and G walk into a bar

The bouncer says, "Sorry no minors!"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzjs7/c_eb_and_g_walk_into_a_bar/
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Rich man shenanigans

There was once an extremely wealthy man who was known for his eccentric habits. One fine evening, he sent out an invite to all the young, able-bodied men of his city for a very "special" dinner, promising a grand prize for one lucky soul.
Knowing the rich man's generous nature, a hundred young men assembled at his mansion in their finest, most expensive wear. The butler ushered them to the backyard which had a gigantic Olympic sized swimming pool. But the yard was not lit up and in the faint moonlight, all the men could make out was the dark waves of the water.
The rich man stepped into the scene from his balcony overlooking the entire yard.
Rich man: I have called you all here tonight to give you all the chance to prove greatness, skill and bravery. For any man that can complete the task I have set for you, I have a grand prize of your choosing.
You can either choose :
1. A 100 million dollars
2. All my estates and properties worth 500 million dollars
3. Marry my beautiful daughter.
Listening to this, all the young men got excited. They all shouted back, "What is the task old man?"
Rich man: The grand prize will go to the first man... that can swim the entire length of this swimming pool.
The crowd went uncontrollable with laughter. They all thought it was the easiest challenge they'd ever faced and got ready in front of the pool to take a dive.
The rich man pulled a lever to his right and about 50 lights came on illuminating the entire pool. The pool was filled with man-eating sharks, hundreds of water snakes and about 2 dozen crocodiles all eyeing the men standing above.
Rich man: *laughs* you didn't think it would be that easy did you?
The men were unsure now. No amount of money or land could compensate for their life. Nobody dared to move and all stood still in a hushed silence.
All of a sudden, breaking the pin-drop silence, one man let out a Tarzan scream and dived into the pool, and swam at a speed that would put Michael Phelps to shame. With great expertise and agility he dodged every snake and with extraordinary dexterity, he managed to swim through all the sharks and crocs and finally jump out at the other end.
There was a thunder of applause from the men and the rich man ran out to the brave man gasping for air. He shook the man's hand and said to him:
Rich man: You have proved that you have nerves of steel, man. Tell me now. What do you desire? Do you want a 100 million dollars?
Man: (gasping for air) no...
Rich man: Then you surely want all my estates and properties worth 500 million dollars don't you?
Man: (gasping for air) no...
Rich man: Aah I see. You are a smart man. You realized if you married my daughter, you would get all three. So tell me my good man. You want to marry my daughter don't you?
Man: (gasping for air) no... Man....no...
Rich man: (puzzled) Then what do you want?
Man: (gasping for air) The son of a b*tch that pushed me off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzjoz/rich_man_shenanigans/
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My wife told me to get out the river because of crocodiles, I told her there aren't any crocodiles.

She said I was in denile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzhut/my_wife_told_me_to_get_out_the_river_because_of/
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What do you call a Bee that eats other Bees?

Hannibal Nectar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzgri/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_eats_other_bees/
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My daughter just cracked my new Iphone Xs screen, so I’m passing it back to a lucky commenter. Info below.

Girl, 7-year-old, can do basic math and alphabet, good at housework, overall a good child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzfoh/my_daughter_just_cracked_my_new_iphone_xs_screen/
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Little Johnny comes to class with a swollen nose..

Teacher " what happened ?"
Little Johny : I tried to smell a brose .
Teacher : there is no 'b' in a rose.
Little Johnny : well there was one in the one I smelled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzfeg/little_johnny_comes_to_class_with_a_swollen_nose/
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First comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring

And finally, the suffer-ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kze4g/first_comes_the_engagement_ring_then_the_wedding/
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I asked my wife what it’s like working as a tailor

She said it’s sew-sew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzdug/i_asked_my_wife_what_its_like_working_as_a_tailor/
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A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.
As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. She was leaning over the table in a low cut shirt, and sure enough he began to feel very uncomfortable. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly. Suddenly his penis emerged from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and retreated into his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can take another dinner roll in the ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kzckr/a_man_went_to_the_doctor_complaining_about/
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A kid asks his dad what the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially' is

A kid walks upto his dad. He asks him to explain the difference between the words realistically and potentially.
His father responds by telling him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. He then told him to also ask his sister whether she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. And he also told him to ask his brother whether he would sleep with Brett for a million dollars.
The kid asks everyone. He comes back and tells his dad that they all said yes.
His father responds that potentially, we're sitting on 3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two whores and a faggot in the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kz5l7/a_kid_asks_his_dad_what_the_difference_between/
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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kz4k1/my_aunts_star_sign_was_cancer_pretty_ironic_how/
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What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling ki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kz44y/what_did_lochte_say_after_his_teammates_told_the/
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I have this friend who says he can read any girl like a book

...he’s dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kz1yz/i_have_this_friend_who_says_he_can_read_any_girl/
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What did the one continental plate say to the other after the earthquake...

not my fault

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kz1jf/what_did_the_one_continental_plate_say_to_the/
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Nursing home hanky panky

A guy goes to visit his dad in the nursing home one day, and as soon as he sits down the old fella says “son you gotta get me outta here. Today I fell down on the way back to my room, and my robe came off. One of the attendants saw me and fucked me right in the ass”
A little skeptical of the story, the man assured his father he will look into the matter and he’ll be back the next day to get to the bottom of it.
Next day rolls around and when he gets to his fathers room he asks, “so how goes it today dad?” The old man replies, “well this morning when the nurse came in to give me my meds, I had morning wood I’ll be damned if she didn’t suck me off right there. She gave me a blowjob!” The son says “well gee wiz dad there ya go! This place ain’t so bad!”
The old man looked him in the eye and said “Boy you don’t get. I get a hard on twice a year. I fall down four or five times a day”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kyzxb/nursing_home_hanky_panky/
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I find french people unsettling.

They give me the crepes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kyxwx/i_find_french_people_unsettling/
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The sun is totally killing it

... I mean look at him he’s just on fire today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kyxp2/the_sun_is_totally_killing_it/
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My clients all know me as a gay pimp...

But I tell my ‘hood friends I’m a crack dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kyw4j/my_clients_all_know_me_as_a_gay_pimp/
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So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69.

Apparently, "I do" is not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kyur2/so_i_was_in_math_class_when_the_teacher_asked_me/
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A logician's wife is having a baby.

The doctor  immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
The wife says, "Is it a boy or  a girl?"
The logician says, "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kyswn/a_logicians_wife_is_having_a_baby/
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I have kleptomania

When it gets really bad, I take something for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kyi7o/i_have_kleptomania/
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My wife asked me "Is it pronounced Nile-ism or Neal-ism?"

I don't think they care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kydpv/my_wife_asked_me_is_it_pronounced_nileism_or/
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Do you know why flamingos always lift one leg while standing?

Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kyc6y/do_you_know_why_flamingos_always_lift_one_leg/
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I have a medical condition that means I can die if I have burnt bread..

I am black toast intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kyb9j/i_have_a_medical_condition_that_means_i_can_die/
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Have you heard about the squid that's really good at his job?

The manager says he's an ink-redible employee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ky9v9/have_you_heard_about_the_squid_thats_really_good/
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Virgin on his wedding night

A virgin and his new bride are alone on their wedding night. They are in bed fooling around and after about an hour the new bride gets worried that her husband has yet to remove her underwear. She asks him don't you want to touch me down there. Oh no he replies I cannot touch down there, my mother always told me women have teeth down there and if I put my fingers or my penis there it will get bitten off. That's crazy says the wife.  Here let me show you. She removes her panties and spreads her legs giving him a full view. The man shouts well no wonder you don't have any teeth look at the shape your gums are in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ky9s0/virgin_on_his_wedding_night/
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I divorced my wife because she went psycho and burned the house down.

But don't worry. Arson is doing fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ky9qp/i_divorced_my_wife_because_she_went_psycho_and/
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So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.

The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later.
"Sir, we have good news and bad news."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ky8pb/so_schrodinger_walks_into_a_vet_with_his_cat/
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What car would Hitler own if he was still alive?

A Fuhrerari

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ky81e/what_car_would_hitler_own_if_he_was_still_alive/
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The Moon came out as gay.

It's just a phase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ky4v8/the_moon_came_out_as_gay/
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What is the secret to staying thin?

Minimum wage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxzv3/what_is_the_secret_to_staying_thin/
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How can you prevent a food baby?

Always use a condiment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxya8/how_can_you_prevent_a_food_baby/
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Breakfast for the twins

Jimmy and Johnny were a couple of rambunctious kids, always pushing the envelope and often getting in trouble.
One morning they woke up and went downstairs to find their mother in the kitchen. "What would you like for breakfast this morning, boys?" she asked.
Jimmy says, "How's about some fucking pancakes?" and mom flips her shit. She snatches Jimmy up by his collar and starts hollering and beating his ass with the wooden spoon she had in her hand!
Jimmy runs out and back up to his bedroom, crying and sniveling.
Mom glares at Johnny and asks, "What do YOU want for breakfast!?"
Johnny says, "I don't know but you can bet your ass I don't want any fucking pancakes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxw7n/breakfast_for_the_twins/
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If a man doesn't know the meaning of the word 'stop', he shouldn't even get a job as a

bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxvrp/if_a_man_doesnt_know_the_meaning_of_the_word_stop/
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What would the Jackson 5 be called in the 1800s?

The Jackson 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxs26/what_would_the_jackson_5_be_called_in_the_1800s/
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What do you call a British painter with bad social skills?

Autistic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxo95/what_do_you_call_a_british_painter_with_bad/
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What do you call a secret operation run by shellfish?

Clamdestine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxmdk/what_do_you_call_a_secret_operation_run_by/
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What did the lonely guy say when he bought some stock?

It’s nice to finally have some company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxk0k/what_did_the_lonely_guy_say_when_he_bought_some/
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A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxfgw/a_horse_a_dog_and_a_penguin_walk_into_a_bar/
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Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxc55/yesterday_i_went_to_a_temporary_tattoo_parlour_to/
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What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under?

Fan fiction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxbk9/what_genre_would_trumps_autobiography_be_filed/
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A little boy walks into his parents’ room

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxb9c/a_little_boy_walks_into_his_parents_room/
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My wife told me I don't know what irony means

Which was ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxb7a/my_wife_told_me_i_dont_know_what_irony_means/
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Two friends are having their weekly beer in a bar NSFW

They talk about everything, so it's only a matter of time before one of them asks the other:
"So, how's the sex been lately?"
"Terrible" says the other. "Every time my wife and I hook up, she loses her attention!"
"Well," said the first guy, "I remember having that problem with my wife too, but I found a solution. I bought a starter pistol. Every time my wife loses attention, I fire the pistol, and BANG! All her muscles immediately tense up and she's all back in the game! My sex life is better than it's ever been!"
The second man decided to give this solution a try himself. The week after, they meet again in the bar.
"So, how did the starter pistol work out for you?", the first inquires
"Don't get me started about the damn starter pistol! What a horrible experience I had!"
"What happened?", asked the first with a worrisome expression on his face
"Well," said the other, "I was doing 69 with the wife, when I notice she's losing her attention! From underneath my bed I grabbed my starter pistol and fire it. BANG! My wife was scared to death! She bit super hard in my wiener, she pissed into my face, and then a naked man came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxawq/two_friends_are_having_their_weekly_beer_in_a_bar/
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When I was married to my first wife, sometimes she would borrow my car.

She would nag about every little thing, all the time.
So, one day, she found a cigarette in my car.
She knew that I had given up smoking and immediately assumed that it MUST belong to “my girlfriend.”
Here she comes, waving it in my face as if she just caught me red handed.
I tried to defend myself by telling her that there is absolutely no possible way that that cigarette could or would belong to “my girlfriend!”
Because my girlfriend doesn’t smoke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxal4/when_i_was_married_to_my_first_wife_sometimes_she/
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A Pirate says to his Captain "The cannons be ready."

the Captain replies "Are"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kxa9r/a_pirate_says_to_his_captain_the_cannons_be_ready/
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I’ve been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole..

Do you just pour it on his head, or do you make him drink it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kx7x5/ive_been_hearing_a_lot_lately_about_bleaching/
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If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

An American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kx3f3/if_someone_who_speaks_two_languages_is_bilingual/
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People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kx0sa/people_usually_hate_on_horror_films_but_the_thing/
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A married couple hit a rough patch...

.....so they book to see a relationship counselor. The counselor tries a few therapy techniques, but nothing works, it's like talking to two brick walls. Finally, he picks up a bass guitar and starts to play, simple at first, then gradually more and more intricate. The couple look at each other while he's playing, not sure what's going on, then they break the ice, and start opening up to each other. After a while, they'd turned a corner and started to feel better. The counselor finished playing, and put down the bass. As they were wrapping up the appointment, the couple thanked the counselor, but asked him why on earth he picked up the bass halfway through their session.
"Everyone talks during the bass solo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kx0ng/a_married_couple_hit_a_rough_patch/
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What do you call a homeless person from Japan?

A Tokyo Drifter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kwz8c/what_do_you_call_a_homeless_person_from_japan/
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What did the suicidal man say to his friends before killing himself?

Hold my bier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kwylw/what_did_the_suicidal_man_say_to_his_friends/
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What do you call maple syrup with a speech impediment?

Mrs. Stuttersworth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kwxrt/what_do_you_call_maple_syrup_with_a_speech/
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I used to think the human brain was the most wonderful organ in my body

Then I realized who was telling me this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kwn4b/i_used_to_think_the_human_brain_was_the_most/
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How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Only Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kwlyz/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they’re off!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kwk25/my_wife_and_kids_are_leaving_me_because_of_my/
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if you're a student with political ambitions, think carefully about what you put on your yearbook page

I don't mean to keep it clean; I mean think carefully about how you can troll a bunch of Congressmen who will be trying to decode it in 2048.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kwism/if_youre_a_student_with_political_ambitions_think/
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What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

It doesnt cost 50$ to have a garbonzo bean on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kwip2/what_is_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean/
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Foot Fetishists are losers

They enjoy the bitter taste of **defeat**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kwiak/foot_fetishists_are_losers/
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Mitosis

Are on the ends of my feetsis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kwi89/mitosis/
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How did I get out of Iraq...

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kwfkh/how_did_i_get_out_of_iraq/
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Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.

He says, to the first Priest," I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest replys," No son, you're not!" So he says to the second,"I'm Jesus Christ." He says,"No, son, you're not." The drunk says," Look I can prove it." He takes the two Preists into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kwd16/two_priests_are_walking_down_the_street_when_a/
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What did the farmer say to his neighbor the dorito farmer?

Cool Ranch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kwcrk/what_did_the_farmer_say_to_his_neighbor_the/
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What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

Taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kw78n/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
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A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I'd share my favorite joke.

It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind ;)
Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the engine and scratching her head.
Jim Bob "What's the problem miss?"
Lady "I don't know maybe you can tell?"
Jim Bob and John Boy take a look and find the radiator hose is broken and tell her.
Lady "Is there someplace nearby I can get it fixed"
John Boy "The nearest place is about six miles down the road but it's after five so it's already closed."
Lady "Is there a motel nearby that I can stay the night?"
Jim Bob "The nearest place is about three miles down the road but our truck is broked so we can't take you there."
Lady "Well can I stay at your place for the night?"
John Boy "Sure but we only have one bed."
Lady "That's O.K., I just need a place to stay."
After dinner they went to bed, the lady in the middle started to play with their penises. As they became erect she reaches into her purse whips out a couple of condoms and hands them to Jim Bob and John Boy.
Jim Bob "What are these things for?"
Lady "These are so I don't get pregnant."
They all have sex for a couple hours and in the morning they call the tow truck and send her on her way.
About six months later Jim Bob and John Boy are sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow...
Jim Bob "Do you really care if that woman gets pregnant?"
John Boy "No."
Jim Bob "THEN LET'S TAKE THESE THINGS OFF!"
Thank again for cheering me up :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kw4ko/a_friend_of_mine_was_killed_last_night_i_came/
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Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colors?

It had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kw3bg/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_that_couldnt/
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A blonde goes to her gynecologist...

"What seems to be the problem?" he asked her.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!"
The gynecologist took a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps, ma'am. They're the stickers off the bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kvzbn/a_blonde_goes_to_her_gynecologist/
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A black man and his son are on a plane.

The flight attendant makes an announcement that the flight is much to heavy so they need to ask people to jump off. To be fair she says they will just start in alphabetical order. First she calls African Americans to jump, then black people. The son looks at his dad and say shouldn’t we be jumping, the dad replies no son today we are niggers.
I honor of my friend Will who died one year ago today and told this joke to a Group of white people at a bar (he was black). They didn’t know whether to laugh or not, it was just how he was. RIP brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kvv4v/a_black_man_and_his_son_are_on_a_plane/
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A guy in a restaurant calls the Wattress over and says "could I have a quickie please? " and the Wattress slaps him round the face.

He asks another Wattress the same request and receives another slap.
Someone on the next table leans over and quietly says "It's pronounced QUICHE"
EDIT 2: WTF is a Wattress anyway? Why is it in autocorrect?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kvny1/a_guy_in_a_restaurant_calls_the_wattress_over_and/
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Man of the House . . .

A husband had just finished reading a new book titled, “You Can Be The Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my guess.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kvhd7/man_of_the_house/
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An old man is on the park walking

When he sees an elderly lady on a bench. He decides to take a chance and sits down and introduces himself. After some small talk, the man tells her he is a widower. She acts surprised and says she is as well. Four times over.
" all four husbands died while with you? How horrible, how did they pass?"
" My first husband died after eating my potato salad at a picnic " she tells him
" That's sad, and the 2nd?"
" we went to a family get together and he died after eating my potato salad "
" oh my, that must've been devastating, how did the 3rd die?"
" my 3rd husband, George, died after eating a double helping of my potato salad "
" I'm starting to see a pattern here, did your 4th husband die after eating your potato salad?"
" no, he was harder to kill, I had to hit him with a frying pan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kvg5e/an_old_man_is_on_the_park_walking/
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You ever go on a date and look at the bill and just think...

Man, if I was single this would be half off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kvfmt/you_ever_go_on_a_date_and_look_at_the_bill_and/
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A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father.

"Son, now you've got a kid yourself I think it's time I gave you this"
"Dad, you don't mean-"
"Yes son, I do" **Dad pulls out a dog eared copy of '1001 Dad jokes- 5th edition
"Dad, I'm honoured!" he says, a tear in the corner of his eye
"Hi honoured," replies his father. "I'm Dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kvej8/a_proud_new_dad_sits_down_to_have_a_drink_with/
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A jewish man goes into a public restroom

He goes to the urinal as another man enters and starts using the urinal next to him. The other man looks over at him and asks, "Are you a Jew?"
"Why yes, I am," he replied.
"Are you circumcised?" The second man asked. A bit put off, the first man answered warily.
"A strange question... but yes.. I am circumcised..."
"Did you grow up in New York?" The second man asked.
"Well, yes! I did. How did you know?"
"Did you study under Rabbi Korinski?"
"I did! How do you know so much about me?"
"He cuts at an angle and you're pissing on my shoe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kvdbn/a_jewish_man_goes_into_a_public_restroom/
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I'm single by choice.

Women's choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kvcs3/im_single_by_choice/
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I don't think my immigrant friend is good at English

Cause every time i ask him where he came from he only say:"YeahMen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kvacr/i_dont_think_my_immigrant_friend_is_good_at/
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When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie...

I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kv6rz/when_i_was_five_my_dad_put_snowballs_in_the/
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A Jewish girl walked up to me and asked for my number.

I told her we use names now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kv17l/a_jewish_girl_walked_up_to_me_and_asked_for_my/
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The Popcorn Army is very similar to most other armies...

the main difference is the ranking system: everyone starts out as a Kernel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kv16b/the_popcorn_army_is_very_similar_to_most_other/
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A British man moved abroad to live on a ranch in Australia

He had been over there for a few weeks on his own before he started to feel quite lonely. Peering out of his window he couldn't see a single soul for miles around, just a single dirt road creeping through the rolling landscape.
One day the telephone rang, he answered
"Hello?" he said sheepishly
A warm booming voice on the other end of the line said
"Gday mate I'm your neighbour from the next ranch along! How're ya doing?"
Confused, but simply happy to hear this man's voice, the Brit replied "Not too bad thank you, did you say the next ranch along?"
"Yeah mate, bout 15 miles down that dirt road and then left. Anyway, I wanted to see if you wanted to come to a barby tonight, to welcome you to the area? You'll have as much meat, beer and sex as any man can handle!"
"Well that sounds great!" clearly excited by the proposition "What should I wear?"
The Aussie voice chortled "Wear whatever you want mate, it's just going to be the two of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kv104/a_british_man_moved_abroad_to_live_on_a_ranch_in/
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My brother was always the smart one that everyone loved. I was the dumb kid. While I sold drugs down by the beach, he became a doctor in applied maths.

But even so, he's still my brother. I'll never stop lending him money when he needs it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kuzx3/my_brother_was_always_the_smart_one_that_everyone/
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What do you call a potato wearing glasses?

A Spec-tater!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kuug0/what_do_you_call_a_potato_wearing_glasses/
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Whats another name for a hairdresser?

A locksmith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kurmn/whats_another_name_for_a_hairdresser/
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You've heard Moore's law and Boyle's law but have you heard of Cole's law?

It's chopped cabbage. Thanks for the correction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kup2x/youve_heard_moores_law_and_boyles_law_but_have/
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When Arnold Schwarzenegger was a little boy back in Austria, he and his friends had a game where they would pretend to be famous composers ...

Georg would say "I'll be Handel!”
Franz would say "I'll be Schubert!”
Arnold would say "I'll be Bach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kunpk/when_arnold_schwarzenegger_was_a_little_boy_back/
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Boss wants to have sex with his secretary

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, and pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?"
She responds, "I'm still picking and he's still fucking! The bastard used COINS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kungl/boss_wants_to_have_sex_with_his_secretary/
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What do you call a stoner with one leg?

A grasshopper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kumwy/what_do_you_call_a_stoner_with_one_leg/
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A man goes to his rabbi...

He asks the rabbi, "how may I live forever?"
The rabbi responds, "Get married"
The man replies, "Really get married, and that will work?"
The rabbi replies," No, but the desire will disappear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kul9b/a_man_goes_to_his_rabbi/
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Did you hear the one about the jurisprudence fetishist?

He got off on a technicality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kuk3h/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_jurisprudence/
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Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways... I lost my job at the aquarium today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kujj9/did_you_know_that_a_piranha_can_devour_a_small/
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My wife asked me what the female version of a man cave is

I told her it’s a kitchen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kuhar/my_wife_asked_me_what_the_female_version_of_a_man/
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A mom decides to clean her sons room.

Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband. "What should we do about this?" she asks. He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kufjt/a_mom_decides_to_clean_her_sons_room/
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What did they do with the politician who couldn't fit in his coffin?

Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ku8h9/what_did_they_do_with_the_politician_who_couldnt/
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Yo Mama’s so fat...

Thanos had to snap twice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ku3tq/yo_mamas_so_fat/
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what kind of car do eggs drive?

a yolkswagen.
^^^sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ku2x0/what_kind_of_car_do_eggs_drive/
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I forgot what it was like to have sex with my wife.

Thankfully my friend reminded me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ku0v9/i_forgot_what_it_was_like_to_have_sex_with_my_wife/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he isn't going to come to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ku03s/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.​

**"Look at the size of his pecker," says the man. "It's massive!"​**
**"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ktu9u/a_husband_and_wife_are_cooing_over_their_new_born/
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Where do hippos go to learn?

The hippocampus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ktquv/where_do_hippos_go_to_learn/
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My struggle with viagra addiction...

...has only made things harder  .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ktql8/my_struggle_with_viagra_addiction/
%
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ktpzo/my_grandfather_warned_people_that_the_titanic/
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A beautiful woman sits down at a bar.

Throughout the night, men would approach and hit on her only to be turned away one after another. After awhile an average looking man walks into the bar, spots the woman and walks directly up to her. They talk for a few seconds, she smiles and the two of them leave together. A few of the rejected men in disbelief walk to the bar and ask the bartender "What did he say to her to get her to go home with him?". The bartender said, "Not much. He just introduced himself, licked his eyebrows and off they went.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ktk3y/a_beautiful_woman_sits_down_at_a_bar/
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What I say when I stop playing VR and I knock over a Blu-ray of a 2013 Sandra Bullock movie

back to reality whoop there goes gravity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ktfsx/what_i_say_when_i_stop_playing_vr_and_i_knock/
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When I got my science degree I got a puppy

because every scientist needs a lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ktexl/when_i_got_my_science_degree_i_got_a_puppy/
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When I was a little boy

everyone laughed at me for wanting to be a stand up comedy actor. So I became one and no one is laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ktc6d/when_i_was_a_little_boy/
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[Life Pro Tip] when cooking Kale.. add some coconut oil..

It makes it easier to scrape into the trash bin..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ktbo6/life_pro_tip_when_cooking_kale_add_some_coconut/
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Did you hear that Hitler made a video game?

Mein Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kt9zi/did_you_hear_that_hitler_made_a_video_game/
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A kindergarten student of mine told me this one.

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kt8ab/a_kindergarten_student_of_mine_told_me_this_one/
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I come from a long line of people who exaggerate...

Well, me and my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kt5p2/i_come_from_a_long_line_of_people_who_exaggerate/
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During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale

. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde, was filling up her car at the next pump.
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow, would you be interested in trading  sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of beer you got?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kt5na/during_the_summer_i_bought_two_six_packs_of_beer/
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My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kt56e/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_won_the_lottery_would/
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Pope gets a lesson

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.
One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kt4ut/pope_gets_a_lesson/
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Why should girls Date "nice guys"?

Nice guys finish last

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kstr2/why_should_girls_date_nice_guys/
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Dave was bragging to his boss

One day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kspms/dave_was_bragging_to_his_boss/
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A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back....

The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ksod5/a_guy_goes_to_a_halloween_party_with_a_beautiful/
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Ever since my girlfriend moved to Siberia things haven't been the same.

She's so cold and distant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ksmui/ever_since_my_girlfriend_moved_to_siberia_things/
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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him.
"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ksby3/on_his_74th_birthday_a_man_got_a_gift_certificate/
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What do hillbillies do for Halloween?

Pump kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ks9gn/what_do_hillbillies_do_for_halloween/
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I walked into the pet shop and said

“I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, "This morning they were both dead.”
She said “did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?”
I said “yes, I filled their tank right to the top”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ks9f8/i_walked_into_the_pet_shop_and_said/
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A blonde is pulled over for erratic driving...

When the officer gets to her door, she says, “Oh, Officer, thank God you’re here!  I was driving down the road when this tree popped up in the lane in front of me. So, I swerved to miss it and then another popped up in front of me!  And then another, and then another, and then you arrived!  Please fix it!”
The officer looks at her and replies, “honey, that wasn’t a tree, that’s your air freshener.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ks7ke/a_blonde_is_pulled_over_for_erratic_driving/
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I’m going to save a lot of money by not having children!

And even more money because it’s not like I need a vasectomy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ks7et/im_going_to_save_a_lot_of_money_by_not_having/
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Just given blood for first time in my life this morning and never felt so great in my life!

Turns out I'm not the dad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ks76y/just_given_blood_for_first_time_in_my_life_this/
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your wife told me you separated due to lack of communication.

“holy shit, we separated?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ks1np/your_wife_told_me_you_separated_due_to_lack_of/
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I like my coffee like I like my women.

I don't like coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ks1b7/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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I want to buy a step ladder

but im afraid i wont love it as much as my real ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ks0vm/i_want_to_buy_a_step_ladder/
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Apple just released the new iPhone XS

This new version has a lot of exciting new technologies, but it is also a lot more expensive. Experts are predicting that by the time they get to the iPhone 14, it will not only be grossly overpriced, but it will also have a lot of unnecessary features. They say it will be the iPhone XS IV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ks03j/apple_just_released_the_new_iphone_xs/
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My coworker just said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.”

I said, “Those are called pants, not an ass shirt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9krtt4/my_coworker_just_said_thats_a_niceass_shirt_youre/
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Childhood Diseases

As the couple gets into bed for the first time the man tells the woman, “I've had some illnesses when I was young that has left me with some slight physical deformities, so please don't laugh.” He pulls down his trousers and his knees are severely deformed. He looks at the woman and says, “I had knee-sels”. When he takes his socks off, his toes are disfigured and unsightly. He looks to the woman and says, “toe-solidas”. When he finally removes all his garments, The woman says, “Let me guess, small cox.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9krqfd/childhood_diseases/
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Welcome to backhanded compliment club!

It’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9krmqj/welcome_to_backhanded_compliment_club/
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What do skeletons use to mug people?

A shoulder blade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9krjrl/what_do_skeletons_use_to_mug_people/
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Murphy’s Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole’s Law?

It’s a salad consisting primarily of finely shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9krgqw/murphys_law_states_that_anything_that_can_happen/
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And as they say in the tampon biz...

See you next period!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kraev/and_as_they_say_in_the_tampon_biz/
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Did you hear the joke about the circle?

Nevermind. The punchline wasn't straightforward anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kr9u0/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_circle/
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8month pregnant women gets on a bus.(Repost but worth it)

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.
“CASE DISMISSED!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kr90h/8month_pregnant_women_gets_on_a_busrepost_but/
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If my wife falls into a coma I’m going to harvest her vagina yeast to make bread.

I’m going to call it *comatoast.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kr8nh/if_my_wife_falls_into_a_coma_im_going_to_harvest/
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My friend asked me why I always tell bad chemistry jokes

I replied “because all the funny ones Argon”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kr3yr/my_friend_asked_me_why_i_always_tell_bad/
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What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?

Molasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kr15l/what_do_you_call_6021023_butts/
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Why Did Karl Marx Dislike Earl Grey Tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqxtx/why_did_karl_marx_dislike_earl_grey_tea/
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Why do french people eat snails?

They hate fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqxjs/why_do_french_people_eat_snails/
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Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...
I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqwy0/tonight_im_uploading_an_illegal_copy_of_microsoft/
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Everyone tells you that smoking causes disease

But do they tell you that it cures salmon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kquh5/everyone_tells_you_that_smoking_causes_disease/
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A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqugt/a_man_was_told_by_his_doctor_that_masturbating/
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Sleezy Sal calls into see his old buddy Jimbob who has a broken leg.

Jimbob says, “My feet are freezing buddy, could you go upstairs and get my slippers?”
“Not a problem,” Sleezy Sal says, and he runs upstairs and there are Jimbob's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds
“Hey girls, your Dad sent me up here to fuck ya both.”
“Fuck  off ya liar!”, they said.
“I’ll prove it,” Sleezy Sal says.
So he shouts down the stairs, “BOTH OF THEM, JIMBOB?”
“Of course ya idiot, , what’s the use of fuckin’ one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqudk/sleezy_sal_calls_into_see_his_old_buddy_jimbob/
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Honey, you remind me of Venus

"Wow! You think I'm like a beautiful goddess?"
"Well, you are the hottest one around. But you're just a rocky cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqtzv/honey_you_remind_me_of_venus/
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Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape ?

A: "BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqt65/q_what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
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"Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?"

"Y"
"So I can make a stupid joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqsul/can_you_tell_me_what_the_second_to_last_letter_in/
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A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend at her parents house.

Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqsae/a_teenage_girl_was_having_sex_with_her_boyfriend/
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Brett Kavanaugh was questioned by police for throwing ice at a guy during a bar fight in 1985

Just ice served

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqllx/brett_kavanaugh_was_questioned_by_police_for/
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Why did the blind man fall down the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kql58/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_down_the_well/
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A guy visits his girlfriend at her parents' house...

A guy visits his girlfriend at her parents' house. When he knocks, the girl's father opens the door and, not even knowing that his daughter was dating, asks in bewilderment:
*Who are you? What do you want?*
-- My Name is Tobias, I'm here to bone your daughter.
*To what???*
-- TOBIAS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqjeu/a_guy_visits_his_girlfriend_at_her_parents_house/
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqerj/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
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A guy has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night.

His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?"
He says, "No."
She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"
He says, "Yeah, you want the whole bed to yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqeop/a_guy_has_never_had_sex_and_gets_into_bed_on_his/
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If I could change two hundred things about myself...

Being overly self-critical would probably be one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqdls/if_i_could_change_two_hundred_things_about_myself/
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Why are werewolves always late?

Because it takes them Lycan hour to get ready

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqcma/why_are_werewolves_always_late/
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I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....

....For What it's Worth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqavj/ive_always_liked_buffalo_springfield/
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few year ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been far more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kqa41/i_started_carrying_a_knife_after_an_attempted/
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Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns,

or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kq9kx/are_there_a_lot_of_firstperson_singular_objective/
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kq95t/two_married_buddies_are_out_drinking_one_night/
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Foot fetishists never want to win anything,

because they like the taste of defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kq8wp/foot_fetishists_never_want_to_win_anything/
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Life is like lot like a penis

Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely then a woman makes it hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kq5f7/life_is_like_lot_like_a_penis/
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[GOD INVENTING THE WEASEL] You know what we need?

An otter you can't fucking trust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kq0bq/god_inventing_the_weasel_you_know_what_we_need/
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"You da bomb!"

"No, you da bomb!"
In America — a compliment.
In the Middle East — an argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpy0r/you_da_bomb/
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What does a woman and kentucky fried chicken have in common??

By the time your finished with the breast and thighs, all you left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpw92/what_does_a_woman_and_kentucky_fried_chicken_have/
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A silver lining about this Brett Kavanaugh situation

is that the phrase “sober as a judge” is waaaay more applicable to my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpw16/a_silver_lining_about_this_brett_kavanaugh/
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Turns out that HR isn't happy that I invited some co-workers over to play a drinking game

I don't see what's so bad about playing a little devil's triangle to get to know people better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpvbg/turns_out_that_hr_isnt_happy_that_i_invited_some/
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What do you call an Islamic capitalist?

Profit Muhammad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kps51/what_do_you_call_an_islamic_capitalist/
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A woman goes to her gynecologist...

"What seems to be the problem?" he asked her.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!"
The gynecologist took a look, chuckled and said,
"Those aren't postage stamps, ma'am. They're the stickers off the bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kps43/a_woman_goes_to_her_gynecologist/
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I just saw my dad slumped over the lawn mower crying his eyes out...

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kps1i/i_just_saw_my_dad_slumped_over_the_lawn_mower/
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What gets bigger the more you take from it

The lower class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpok3/what_gets_bigger_the_more_you_take_from_it/
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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."
"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed.
"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpno2/a_man_with_a_winking_problem_is_applying_for_a/
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If there would be a competition for biggest failures...

I would probably fail in that competition too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpmyd/if_there_would_be_a_competition_for_biggest/
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Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpmy8/some_tourists_in_the_museum_of_natural_history/
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Two prawns were simmimg round the sea...

Two prawns were swimming round in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close
to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed... "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpm4x/two_prawns_were_simmimg_round_the_sea/
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After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.

No hablo ingles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpleh/after_12_years_of_therapy_my_psychiatrist_said/
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Why were the 2 cows fighting

They had beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpkq5/why_were_the_2_cows_fighting/
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I'm like a wild animal in bed.

You could even call me a sexual predator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpjk6/im_like_a_wild_animal_in_bed/
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I caught someone keying my mother-in-law's car.

Just before he got away I managed to stop him.
I said, "Here, try mine, yours are looking a little blunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kphxs/i_caught_someone_keying_my_motherinlaws_car/
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The legend of the three kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.
The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kph23/the_legend_of_the_three_kingdoms/
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...

Now don't tell me that's just a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpgxn/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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A drunk guy brings his sober friend to his apartment.

They hang out for a while, then the sober guy says, “I should really get home, do you know the time?”
“Yeah! I have a talking clock.” The drunk guy responds.
“A talking clock?” His friend replied.
“Yeah! I pick it up, and slam it against this wall, and it tells me the time!” He picked up the clock, walked over to the wall, and banged it against it a few times. A few seconds later, they heard someone shout “You fucking idiot, what are you doing?! It’s 2:35 in the fucking morning!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpf23/a_drunk_guy_brings_his_sober_friend_to_his/
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Women really know how to hold a grudge.

My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kpaf7/women_really_know_how_to_hold_a_grudge/
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What do you call a dinosaur with one eye ?

A dinosaur, what else would you call it, you sick fuck, what's wrong with you, making fun of the disabled?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kp8i3/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_with_one_eye/
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A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kp22z/a_student_comes_to_a_young_professors_office_hours/
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My mother handed me $20

"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party."
That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kp08t/my_mother_handed_me_20/
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Guy takes a girl home after a second date. He tells her that she reminds him of his little toe. “Ahhh is it because I am small and cute?” she asks..

Nope, if I have any more to drink there is a very real chance I’m going to bang you on the coffee table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kozmg/guy_takes_a_girl_home_after_a_second_date_he/
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Limerick

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9koxr6/limerick/
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Good friends are like broken elevators

They never let you down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kom5f/good_friends_are_like_broken_elevators/
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Someone called me racist for saying "black paint."

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kol5i/someone_called_me_racist_for_saying_black_paint/
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There were 4 people on a plane: a kid, a pastor, a doctor, and the smartest man in the world.

Suddenly, the pilot came running to the back and yelled “The plane is going down and we only have 4 parachutes but 5 people.” With this, the pilot took a parachute and jumped out of the plane”.
The doctor said “I save lives every day and the world needs me” and he also took a parachute and jumped out.”
The smartest man in the world said “My research might save millions. The world needs my brain” and he also took a parachute and jumped.
The pastor and the kid looked at each other and the pastor said “I’m old now, I’ve lived a long and enjoyable life, you take the last parachute”. To which the boy responded, “Don’t worry, there’s still two parachutes left. The smartest man in the world just jumped with my backpack!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kokav/there_were_4_people_on_a_plane_a_kid_a_pastor_a/
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A man jumps into a river in paris.

His friend is shocked and asks "What are you doing?". The man says "I'm in Seine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9koi6r/a_man_jumps_into_a_river_in_paris/
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On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush.

I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9koavx/on_holiday_in_moscow_my_mother_told_me_told_me_to/
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What did the dude with a leg fetish name his son?

Toe-knee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ko8gx/what_did_the_dude_with_a_leg_fetish_name_his_son/
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One cold winter's morning a tramp was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop.
"I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"
"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"
The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting.
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the gangplank.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that our man the tramp is correct.
"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! The tramp had never in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like this.
First they went doen through the first class level:
Oriental carpets - 6" pile.
A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall.
Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair.
24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class:
As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep.
and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class,
down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with, a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..."
"Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived....
...and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen ...."
He broke off.
"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.
"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man.
For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain came to talk.
"O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"O.K." agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.
Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do."
And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb....
up and up ...
up and up ...
higher and higher ...
below him the ship grew smaller ...
up and up ...
on and on ...
past a solitary albatross ...
and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ...
still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began to shrink...
and higher, ever higher ...
on and on ....
higher, and higher, and on and on towards the diving board,
He climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and then...
he jumped .
slowly at first
but speeding up
faster, and faster
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,
the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster...
past the albatross,
faster
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL..........
SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping....
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT!
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen"
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on:
"But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:
"Well you see I'm a poor tramp so you must understand...
I've been through many a hardship in my life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ko7f1/one_cold_winters_morning_a_tramp_was_walking/
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Son: Dad what does being gay mean?

Dad: Well, it can mean happy or that a man is attracted to another man.
Son: Are YOU gay?
Dad: No son, I'm married to your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ko5tx/son_dad_what_does_being_gay_mean/
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Vet : I'm sorry sir, I am going to have to put him down

Owner : What??? Why?? Is he terminally ill??
Vet : No, it's cos he is very heavy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ko1om/vet_im_sorry_sir_i_am_going_to_have_to_put_him/
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Penis Complications

A man goes to the doctor to complain about his abnormally large penis(15in). The doctor replies," If you wan't to make it smaller you must go to a magical frog and get it to say no. If it says no his penis reduces size by 3 in. So the man goes and finds the frog. Once he's there he tells the frog," Will you marry me?". The frog replies with,"no". His penis is down to 12 in. He asks again," Will you marry me?" The frog replies with a no. Its down to 9 in. The man is filled with excitement as he only has to ask once more. He asks one last time," Will you marry me?". The frog exclaims," FOR THE LAST TIME NO, NO, NO!!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9knu1j/penis_complications/
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What did Ygritte tell Jon Snow after they had sex in the cave?

You know nuttin', Jon Snow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9knti3/what_did_ygritte_tell_jon_snow_after_they_had_sex/
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A dirty joke about a horse

Ok, so a man comes into a bar...
Shit, fucked it up, it was supposed to be a horse.  Let me try again.
So a man comes into a horse...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9knqoz/a_dirty_joke_about_a_horse/
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My three biggest relationship issues are

1. Commitment issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9knpwy/my_three_biggest_relationship_issues_are/
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My beer is frozen, my pizza is burnt, and my girlfriend is pregnant

I can’t take out anything in time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kno0q/my_beer_is_frozen_my_pizza_is_burnt_and_my/
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Once upon a time, there was an island...

Once upon a time, there was an island. And on that island there lived the native tribe, who called themselves, "Trids". Trids inhabited the island by themselves. They made their own cities and an organized government to prevent chaos. All was well for the Trids, life was good and peaceful. One day, one of the Trids decided he wanted to climb up a mountain to pick berries at the top. He climbed about halfway up, but then he was kicked off the mountain and into the ocean by a giant. Another Trid wanted to find out what was going on, so he climbed up the mountain. He got about halfway up and then the giant kicked him down. Finally, a third Trid climbed the mountain.
He begged, "Please don't kick me down." The giant didn't care, the giant kicked him down anyways.
Remember how I said the Trids were the *only* people on the island? I wasn't telling the full truth. On the island, they had a rabbi. The rabbi wasn't actually a Trid by blood, but the rabbi was still one of the highest-ranking officials in the Trid community. After Trids were getting kicked off the mountain, they decided to bring up this issue to the rabbi.
A Trid approched the rabbi and said, "Rabbi! Rabbi! We want to climb the mountain but the giant keeps kicking us off." The rabbi then agreed he would climb the mountain and talk to the giant.
The next day rolls around and the rabbi begins climbing the mountain. He gets about halfway up, and surprisingly, the giant doesn't kick him down. He climbs a little higher, still no kick. He climbs all the way to the top of the mountain, the giant still doesn't kick him. The rabbi then looks the giant in the eyes and asks, "Why is it that when one of the Trids climbs the mountain you kick them off, but when I climb the mountain, you don't."
The giant chuckles as he says, *"Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9knfik/once_upon_a_time_there_was_an_island/
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Pinochio just finished intimate relations with his new girlfriend when she ...

started complaining about splinters in her most sensitive areas.
Concerned, Pinochio went to Geppetto and told him of the splinter problem.
Geppetto searched all his shelves until he found the finest grit sandpaper among his supplies and instructs Pinochio on its use.
Several weeks pass when Geppetto sees Pinochio at the market.  He asks, "Hows the girl problem?"
Pinochio replies, "GIRLS, who needs girls!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kne12/pinochio_just_finished_intimate_relations_with/
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I get boners for long periods of time

Doctors say it’s in my jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kncew/i_get_boners_for_long_periods_of_time/
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kn57z/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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What does the Mexican cartel do after every murder?

They move on to the next Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kn4jf/what_does_the_mexican_cartel_do_after_every_murder/
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I came into a lot of money recently

Which was strange to me cause I usually use Kleenex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kn0yk/i_came_into_a_lot_of_money_recently/
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My first football game was kinda like the time I lost my virginity. I mean I kinda cried a little,

But at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kmydn/my_first_football_game_was_kinda_like_the_time_i/
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A Jewish Man

A jewish man wants to know why he has to give tzedkah (Money to charity) every saturday. He asks a orthodox rabbi and he asks "Why do we have to give tzedkah?" the rabbi does not know  and says "Go to a conservative rabbi instead." so he does and asks "Why do we have to give tzedkah?"the rabbi does not know and says "Go to a reform rabbi instead." so he does and asks  "Why do we have to give tzedkah?" the rabbi says "What's tzedakah?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kmrx3/a_jewish_man/
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You know what's so good about ethiopian food?

No one who ever ate it has complained about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kmr80/you_know_whats_so_good_about_ethiopian_food/
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I bought a iPhone XS Max today and my son dropped it. But anyways I’m doing a giveaway.

He’s eight years old, skinny, short hair, and lazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kmr54/i_bought_a_iphone_xs_max_today_and_my_son_dropped/
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Did you hear about the man with five dicks?

His boxers fitted like a glove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kmobi/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_five_dicks/
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I tried to get a job at a health club...

but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kmidi/i_tried_to_get_a_job_at_a_health_club/
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Knock knock

\- Who's there?
Engine
\- Engine, who?
Engine failure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kmaku/knock_knock/
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Bottom of The Ninth

The Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he said.
"No need to panic," said a fellow bass player. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.
About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy, and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of The Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kmakc/bottom_of_the_ninth/
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Why aren’t prostitutes allowed near prisons?

Because a sentence shouldn’t end with a proposition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9km9xb/why_arent_prostitutes_allowed_near_prisons/
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Who was this Rorschach guy

and why was he so obsessed with drawing pictures of my parents fighting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9km7sb/who_was_this_rorschach_guy/
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I used to be a cop..

I'm on the job six weeks. Barely out of training floaties. I'm on foot patrol. It's a little before midnight. I clock this beat up Plymouth with Jersey plates, parked under the bridge. Trusty flashlight I walk over, I rap on the glass. In the backseat, there's a girl doing her homework. In the front seat, there's a kid some Jersey punk just sitting there listening to music. I say to the kid, "Hey, what are you doing?" The kid says, "Nothing. " I say, "How old are you?" He says, "Twenty-three. " I say, "How old is she?" He says, "In 11 minutes, she's going to be 18."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9km5vl/i_used_to_be_a_cop/
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When people apply for a job in prostitution...

Do they try to really sell themselves?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9km42u/when_people_apply_for_a_job_in_prostitution/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9km34i/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Did you hear about the tiny clock?

I heard it was minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9km2t5/did_you_hear_about_the_tiny_clock/
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What did the lion say to his pride before going to church?

"Let us prey"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9km1s7/what_did_the_lion_say_to_his_pride_before_going/
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I like beer. I've always liked beer. What do you drink?
Officer: Get out of the car, please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9km0ou/officer_do_you_know_why_i_pulled_you_over/
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I absolutely hate to admit this, but I actually agree with Kavanaugh on this.

“I drank beer with my friends. Almost everyone did. Sometimes I had too many beers. Sometimes others did. I liked beer. I still like beer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9km098/i_absolutely_hate_to_admit_this_but_i_actually/
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I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp

The host asked me: What are you?
Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.
Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9km05a/i_went_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_as_a_harp/
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An angel appears at a faculty meeting

and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9klryf/an_angel_appears_at_a_faculty_meeting/
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A horse walked into a bar

And failed the equestrian show jumping competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9klr86/a_horse_walked_into_a_bar/
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Bacon and Egg lead very interesting lives

Egg went to college but Bacon Strips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9klr01/bacon_and_egg_lead_very_interesting_lives/
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How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9klmue/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a/
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What did the doctor say to the duck?

I can do the plastic surgery, but your bill is going to be huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9klkyp/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_duck/
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What did Buddha say when he got to the hot dog stand?

Make me one with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9klk5n/what_did_buddha_say_when_he_got_to_the_hot_dog/
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What is yoda's last name?

Layheehooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9klhtj/what_is_yodas_last_name/
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David Blaine might like to think he's the world's greatest illusionist...

But I can walk into any bar in the world and I become instantly invisible to all women.
Your move David.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9klh2c/david_blaine_might_like_to_think_hes_the_worlds/
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Why is Ash your stalker?

Because no matter where he goes he always takes a pikachu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kld10/why_is_ash_your_stalker/
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How can a room of married people be empty?

Because there isn't a single person in the room!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9klbmf/how_can_a_room_of_married_people_be_empty/
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A tree lives next to a lake. One day, the tree loses a branch and asks the lake, "Would you bring that back to me?"

The lake says he shorewood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kl9r2/a_tree_lives_next_to_a_lake_one_day_the_tree/
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I used to work in an ER, one day my asshole ex boyfriend came in with some deep lacerations to his abdomen,

When I saw him I said, “you’ve got a lot of guts coming in here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kl8ch/i_used_to_work_in_an_er_one_day_my_asshole_ex/
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How do you make Holy Water?

You boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kl5xw/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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Why men have better friends

Friendship between women: A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kl4x5/why_men_have_better_friends/
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What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?

Where’s popcorn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kl0vh/what_did_the_baby_corn_say_to_the_momma_corn/
%
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kkxov/while_stitching_a_cut_on_the_hand_of_a_75_year/
%
Why was 10 ashamed of itself?

Because it came after 7 8 9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kkwu4/why_was_10_ashamed_of_itself/
%
A font walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve your type here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kkuqe/a_font_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the first day of another boring week?

Mondane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kkqx1/whats_the_first_day_of_another_boring_week/
%
Getting my first massage was a lot like losing my virginity

I wasn't sure when to get naked, there were a lot of elbows for some reason, and I bet getting it from a girl would hurt way less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kkn3v/getting_my_first_massage_was_a_lot_like_losing_my/
%
I could see myself working at a tuxedo store...

It suits me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kkidn/i_could_see_myself_working_at_a_tuxedo_store/
%
My Sikh friend was walking backwards

I guess he was reversingh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kkfat/my_sikh_friend_was_walking_backwards/
%
When I was young, I wanted to grow up to have no money issues

Now that I'm an adult, I have no money *and* issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kkeva/when_i_was_young_i_wanted_to_grow_up_to_have_no/
%
What do you learn in both Math and Social Studies class?

Inequalities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kk7r5/what_do_you_learn_in_both_math_and_social_studies/
%
Did you hear about the time Snoop Dogg moved to Sweden and learned the local language?

He spoke swede every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kk770/did_you_hear_about_the_time_snoop_dogg_moved_to/
%
Know what really gets my goat?

el chupacabra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kk417/know_what_really_gets_my_goat/
%
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kk101/a_wife_was_making_a_breakfast_of_fried_eggs_for/
%
Nurse comes out of doctor's office

and says:
"Due to new GDPR rules I'm not allowed to call you by names. The patient with syphilis, please come in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kk0oa/nurse_comes_out_of_doctors_office/
%
In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kjt6y/in_french_we_dont_say_ninety_nine/
%
A cripple walks into a bar.

Just kidding, no he doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kjov7/a_cripple_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I hate when my friends say they don’t have enough money to go out.

It’s a poor excuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kjn19/i_hate_when_my_friends_say_they_dont_have_enough/
%
A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.

"Why son?" The dad asks.
"Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kjmju/a_jewish_black_kid_walks_up_to_his_dad_and_asks/
%
Why don't you ever see Golf clubs that are "Made in China?"

Because you can't trust Asian Drivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kjlvb/why_dont_you_ever_see_golf_clubs_that_are_made_in/
%
My Doctor said, "Alcoholism is a disease."

My bartender said, "Get your shots here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kjknl/my_doctor_said_alcoholism_is_a_disease/
%
Some days I feel like a hundred million pennies

It's a million bucks, but it's kinda heavy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kjjxh/some_days_i_feel_like_a_hundred_million_pennies/
%
I called the anger management helpline.

They told me to fuck off and call back later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kjje3/i_called_the_anger_management_helpline/
%
It is far more ethical to eat animals than plants

Animals have a chance to escape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kjhxz/it_is_far_more_ethical_to_eat_animals_than_plants/
%
This guy in the pub said, "If you can finish your pint in ten seconds I'll buy your next one."

So I chugged away. Cheers all around me.
I slammed my glass on the table and said, "Time!"
"6.3 seconds," said the guy. "Pretty impressive."
There was a pause. I wiped my chops.
"So, do I get my pint now, kind sir?"
"No."
Startled, I said, "Well, why the hell not?"
"Because it wasn't ten seconds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kjgmv/this_guy_in_the_pub_said_if_you_can_finish_your/
%
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kjf2x/a_string_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_few_friends_and/
%
Why were Juan and his twin sibling able to plagiarize off each other without being caught?

Nobody expects the Spanish Twin Submission.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kjdqf/why_were_juan_and_his_twin_sibling_able_to/
%
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kjbk3/doctor_have_you_been_drinking_enough_fluids/
%
An egg, a bacon, and a coffee walk into a bar...

The bacon asks the bartender “I’d like three beers for me and my friends” the bartender replies “no way man, we don’t serve breakfast here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kja7r/an_egg_a_bacon_and_a_coffee_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?

Because they have been extinct for millions of years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kj907/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_urinate/
%
What's worse than a baby in a freezer?

A baby in 2 freezers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kj6qa/whats_worse_than_a_baby_in_a_freezer/
%
Are the jokes I tell considered racist?

General Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kiz1y/are_the_jokes_i_tell_considered_racist/
%
Three Men are Arrested...

Three men are arrested on suspicion of bank robbery. The Chief of Police is waiting for the file, which a young Sergeant brings him. "So, who are the perps?" The Chief asks, as the Sergeant looks at the files. "Victor Hammon, Timothy Rogers, and Lesley Arrane." The Sergeant replies.
The Chief sighs as he looks the Sergeant. "Let them go." The Sergeant seems perplexed. "Let them go, sir?" "Yes, let them go. It's a Vic Tim Les Crime."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kixu8/three_men_are_arrested/
%
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kiux4/the_worst_pub_ive_ever_been_to_was_called_the/
%
What do you call a mockingbird cooked in alcohol.

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kitzp/what_do_you_call_a_mockingbird_cooked_in_alcohol/
%
My wife just stormed into the kitchen, furious at how cheap and a penny pincher I’ve become.

She’s in there now, tearing all the plates in half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kisne/my_wife_just_stormed_into_the_kitchen_furious_at/
%
My favourite sexual position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kiqn2/my_favourite_sexual_position_is_the_jfk/
%
A psychic looked into the future..

She saw a billboard of multiple penises ejaculating.
She left her trance in shock. Her apprentice, worried, asked "What did you see?"
The psychic said somberly "A sign of things to cum..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kiffi/a_psychic_looked_into_the_future/
%
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A hippo is very heavy, but a zippo is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ki9si/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
A proctologist gets pulled over for speeding.

One day, this car flies over the bridge. The cop at the end of the bridge uses his radar gun and sure enough, the car is speeding. He pulls him over.
Cop: Why the rush, sir?
Man: I was just called to the hospital. I'm a proctologist.
Cop: I've never heard of a proctologist before, what do you do?
Man: I'm a butt doctor. I work on peoples asses. Sometimes I transplant an ass, sometimes I stretch an asshole.
Cop: Stretch an asshole?
Man: Yes, sometimes I stretch it up to 6 feet.
Cop: 6 FEET? What do you do with a 6 foot asshole?
Man: Put him at the end of a bridge with a radar scanner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9khxgn/a_proctologist_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat miner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9khwpp/what_do_you_get_when_you_throw_a_piano_down_a/
%
My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.

"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer"
...................
I think the little bastard found my porn stash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9khwko/my_son_said_that_his_teacher_asked_what_he_wanted/
%
I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9khvxt/i_was_having_sex_with_my_friends_wife_the_phone/
%
The Grim Reaper

A woman was sleeping at home with her lover, she suddenly hears her husband knocking on the door, so she immediately makes a prayer "God, please hide my lover and take whatever you want from me." The grim reaper shows up infront of her and says "I will grant your wish, but only on one condition, after two years your life will be taken away from you by means of drowning." The wife accepts the deal and both the grim reaper and the lover disappear without leaving a single trace behind.
Two years pass by, and the woman gets a call from her girl friends who invite her to go on a cruise trip with them, they tell her that the ship contained over 600 other women. The woman, forgetting about the deal she made with the grim reaper, accepts the offer and goes on the trip. The woman is swimming in the cruise ship's pool as the grim reaper suddenly appears infront of her and says "Two years ago you made a deal with me, now it's time for me to drown this whole ship." The woman responds to the grim reaper by saying "I know I made a deal with you, and that I should be drowned, but why harm the other girls on this ship?" The grim reaper tells her "Oh trust me, I have been making deals with all of you throughout all of these years."
This joke is of Arabic origins and was translated into English by me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9khvky/the_grim_reaper/
%
A single sperm cell has 35.4 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1569.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9khic3/a_single_sperm_cell_has_354_mb_of_dna_information/
%
Don’t you hate it when you’re smoking a cigarette...

and flick it out of your car window,and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny, and you look over to the back seat and sure enough grandma’s fingering herself again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9khi6i/dont_you_hate_it_when_youre_smoking_a_cigarette/
%
What do you call a chiropractor that loves his job?

A crack addict

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9khcvy/what_do_you_call_a_chiropractor_that_loves_his_job/
%
A moral businessman always pays his tithe

A young man becomes a successful businessman very early on in life. Being a faithful member of the church he always pays his tithe for years and years.
He later falls upon hard times and so he talks to his banker. His banker lets him know that things are worse than the man had realized, he couldn't even afford the church's tithe.
Upon these hard times, he fell away from the church. For years he accumulated debt trying to keep up appearances and become successful again.
One day, the pastor of the man's old church approaches him and asks why he hasn't been coming to church and paying his tithe.
The man confides in his old pastor and confesses that he's come by a bit of bad luck and so fell away from the church. The pastor says, of course you've fallen onto tough times, you've fallen away from the church! "Start coming back to the church and paying your tithe and you'll be back in God's good graces in no time!"
"Do you really think that will help? I'm in pretty deep here"
"Well I suppose if you really want to you could pay the tithe for the time you were gone from the church the full 10% of everything you accumulated should belong to the church"
So the man and the pastor meet with the man's banker and calculate everything he's accumulated over his years out of the church and they both sign.
The Pastor opens the envelope and exclaims "Wow! $60,000! It's more than the church could have hoped for!" The Banker says "Yes, up until now, us too! Now how will you be paying?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9khclu/a_moral_businessman_always_pays_his_tithe/
%
What did the letter O say to Q?

Dude, your dick is hanging out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9khcgo/what_did_the_letter_o_say_to_q/
%
My new girlfriend is so tall

we have to 79

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9khb9c/my_new_girlfriend_is_so_tall/
%
A man finds a magic lamp and gives it a rub.

Suddenly a genie flies out and informs the man that he can have 3 wishes. However, whatever the man wishes for, his wife gets double.
"I wish I had a car." Says the man.
"Okay" says the genie "but your wife gets 2"
"I wish I had a house." Says the man.
"Okay" says the genie "but your wife gets 2"
Finally, knowing he only has 1 wish left he decides on the thing he wants most.
"Beat me half to death!" Wished the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9khav9/a_man_finds_a_magic_lamp_and_gives_it_a_rub/
%
I had sex for 3 hours last night.

Me and my wife played doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kh9rf/i_had_sex_for_3_hours_last_night/
%
While I was talking with Siri I said “Surely you can look this up”

Siri replied “Don’t call me Shirley”
Then I realized I had airplane mode on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kh4vh/while_i_was_talking_with_siri_i_said_surely_you/
%
Make a noise like a frog

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kh1de/make_a_noise_like_a_frog/
%
Did you know Penguins scream during sex?

Well at least the one I cornered at the zoo did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kgxtv/did_you_know_penguins_scream_during_sex/
%
What Vegetable Do Plumbers Hate?

Leeks.
Add a few peas and you have a real mess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kgwnp/what_vegetable_do_plumbers_hate/
%
Why is Santa Clause’s sack so big?

...he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kguem/why_is_santa_clauses_sack_so_big/
%
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

He observed, "You all have obsessions."
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.
He turned to the third mom, " Your obsession is alcohol. It manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dickson, we're going home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kgqm6/a_psychiatrist_was_conducting_a_group_therapy/
%
Why do you never hear about women touching kids?

Because there's no female priests

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kgqik/why_do_you_never_hear_about_women_touching_kids/
%
Why do women always get periods when they’re let out of jail?

It’s the end of a sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kgpon/why_do_women_always_get_periods_when_theyre_let/
%
Huge crash on the high way, a lorry full on snooker equipment toppled over

There were cues for miles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kgpiq/huge_crash_on_the_high_way_a_lorry_full_on/
%
What’s the difference between a Native American women and a buffalo?

60 pounds and a casino jacket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kgk25/whats_the_difference_between_a_native_american/
%
What's the difference between a blow job and anal sex?

A blow job makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kgji9/whats_the_difference_between_a_blow_job_and_anal/
%
Did you hear the one about the guy who compulsively masturbated at work?

He was just trying to get off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kgg21/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_guy_who/
%
One morning while making breakfast

a man walked up to his wife and  pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get  rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of  intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his  wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you  firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a  silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a  death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we  could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolboy and your  brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kgeu1/one_morning_while_making_breakfast/
%
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.
“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kgdpq/a_juggler_driving_to_his_next_performance_is/
%
A blonde and brunette rob a bank

A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank.  "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks.  The blonde smiles and nods.  "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!"
The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand.  5 minutes pass and nothing.  The brunette glances at her watch nervously.  10 minutes.. 15 minutes.. 20..
"This is taking way too long.. What the hell is she doing in there?" the brunette asks herself frantically.
30 minutes later the blonde runs out with a rope and ties it to the back of the car.  She jumps in and the brunette floors it.  The rope tightens and a safe bashes right through the bank wall and trails behind the car.  A guard with his pants down runs behind and tries to fire but falls in an awkward attempt to run behind with his pants down.
The brunette, furious and red-faced, turns to the blonde and says, "I *knew* you'd screw this up.  I told you to *tie up* the guard and *blow* the safe..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kfx3h/a_blonde_and_brunette_rob_a_bank/
%
After my wife died

I could not look at another women for 10 years, but now that I am out of jail I can honestly say that it was all worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kfsk7/after_my_wife_died/
%
A robber breaks into a bank

He points his gun at the lady at the desk and says “open the vault bitch”
The woman says “sir this is a sperm a bank, there’s no money here”
The robber says “ Open the fucking vault or I’ll blow your head off now”
The woman opens the vault and turns back to the robber, who tells her to take a jar out
She turns back to the robber and who tells her to swallow it.
The woman is disgusted and says “please sir don’t make me do this”
The robber says “do it or I’ll blow your fucking head off bitch”
The woman hesitates for a while, than expertly swallows it all in one go with minimal fuss.
The robber then takes off his mask, revealing himself to be her husband.
He looks at her and says “See! Its not that fucking difficult is it Karen?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kflnb/a_robber_breaks_into_a_bank/
%
Please enter your new password

WINDOWS:   Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER:   boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER:  50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively.
USER:   50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER :  IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS:   Sorry, that password is already in use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kfkhj/please_enter_your_new_password/
%
So there’s this dyslexic Pimp

He bought a warehouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kfj6e/so_theres_this_dyslexic_pimp/
%
Are you todays date?

'Coz you're 01/10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kfhtt/are_you_todays_date/
%
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kfhgd/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_walken/
%
Why was 10 traumatized?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kfgnk/why_was_10_traumatized/
%
If a girl says she'll be ready in 5 minutes she will

No need to remind her every 15 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kffxx/if_a_girl_says_shell_be_ready_in_5_minutes_she/
%
The Space Cat

NASA had run out of monkeys to send to space so they decided to start recruiting cats. However most of the cats seemed more interested in the fabric on the walls than the training courses. But 1 cat stood above them all this one cat outshined all the monkeys that were sent to space so on the big day the cat was strapped in and sent on a rocket headed for Titan a moon of Saturn however on the way the cat made a detour towards Mars none of NASA could explain it. The cat just wanted to see what it was. However when the cat landed and got out it was suddenly squashed by a huge metal contraption.
In NASAs address to the matter it was said- "Curiosity killed the cat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kf5x3/the_space_cat/
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Do you know where I keep my singing seahorses?

In a coral choral corral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kf4in/do_you_know_where_i_keep_my_singing_seahorses/
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I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop in your pants, but he’s not buying it...

In fact, he’s still making fun of me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kf0xb/i_tried_to_explain_to_my_fouryearold_son_that_its/
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I asked my son if he saw the newspaper...

Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says.
Damn fly never stood a chance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kf03m/i_asked_my_son_if_he_saw_the_newspaper/
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My coworker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9keus5/my_coworker_is_in_the_hospital_after_eating_a/
%
Why is the moon so grumpy?

It's just going through one of its phases

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9keq2z/why_is_the_moon_so_grumpy/
%
Did you hear about the cowboys who deny robbing the glue factory?

They're sticking to their guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kep4b/did_you_hear_about_the_cowboys_who_deny_robbing/
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A patient walks into a therapist's office.

The patient says "You would not believe the week I've had".
The doctor says "No. You're a compulsive liar, that's why you're here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kemme/a_patient_walks_into_a_therapists_office/
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A photon is going through airport security...

The  TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, "No, I'm  traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kelf2/a_photon_is_going_through_airport_security/
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Peace'n quiet in Auz

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...' 'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks thank you.' As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kej21/peacen_quiet_in_auz/
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Windmills?

Huge fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kehrd/windmills/
%
My new thesaurus is terrible.

Not only that, but it's also terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kedw5/my_new_thesaurus_is_terrible/
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Did you know Hellen Keller had a swingset in her backyard?

Neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kecj9/did_you_know_hellen_keller_had_a_swingset_in_her/
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A man and his wife are at a restaurant,...

... and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kebpe/a_man_and_his_wife_are_at_a_restaurant/
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I'm a lobotomist...

Not a professional but I'll give it a stab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ke3ww/im_a_lobotomist/
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The law is very strange thing...

If the government finds oil in your backyard, it is theirs.
If they find marijuana, it is yours...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ke34t/the_law_is_very_strange_thing/
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How many men does it take to open a beer.

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ke24o/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_open_a_beer/
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Why do Palestinians hate playing Mario Kart?

Checkpoint!
Checkpoint!
Checkpoint!
Checkpoint!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ke120/why_do_palestinians_hate_playing_mario_kart/
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A person throws a bunch of balls in their friend’s face at a high frequency.

The friend said it Hertz a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kdzh3/a_person_throws_a_bunch_of_balls_in_their_friends/
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A thesaurus walks into a bar

, pub, inn, tavern, bistro, watering hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kdyp8/a_thesaurus_walks_into_a_bar/
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What is a British person’s favorite movie?

The Empire Strikes Back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kdxk7/what_is_a_british_persons_favorite_movie/
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My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are.

(I laugh more than she does, though.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kdsgq/my_wife_and_i_laugh_about_how_competitive_we_are/
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Jesus was walking in the town plaza one day

When he crossed paths with a Roman soldier. Feeling particularly cool, Jesus put his hand up for a hi-five while passing by.
The Roman soldier, having ill feelings towards Jesus' teachings and following, simply grunted and ignored Jesus.
Jesus was a little disappointed so he turned around and said, "Aww come on man, don't leave me hanging!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kdque/jesus_was_walking_in_the_town_plaza_one_day/
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A mailman retires after 30 years service and starts his route for the last time.

At his first house, Mrs Smith congratulates him on his retitrement, takes him upstairs and boffs his brains out.
Afterwards she takes him downstairs and sits him at the table which is made up with pancakes, bacon, eggs, coffee and a one dollar bill on the plate.
After starting to eat he asks Mrs. Smith why she did all this?
She says, "I told my husband you were retiring after 30 years and if I should get you something? He said, 'Fuck him! Give him a dollar!' And, well breakfast, that was my idea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kdph0/a_mailman_retires_after_30_years_service_and/
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I dropped the expired blood tubes as I was handing them to my coworker

Now there’s bad blood between us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kdo66/i_dropped_the_expired_blood_tubes_as_i_was/
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God damned millennials!

Walking around like they rent the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kdn8n/god_damned_millennials/
%
Why do chickens wear underwear on their head?

Because their pecker is on their face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kdln1/why_do_chickens_wear_underwear_on_their_head/
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My flat-earthed friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove its flat .

In the end , he came around .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kdke7/my_flatearthed_friend_decided_to_walk_to_the_end/
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A roman centurion walks into a bar...

... and holds up two fingers in a V and asks "May I have 5 beers, please?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kdee6/a_roman_centurion_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a bunch of masturbating cows?

Beef stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kda4f/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_masturbating_cows/
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A man walks into a bar...

He sees this bucket of money on the bar and asks the bartender what’s up. Bartender tells him they have three tests laid out in order to win this money.
1. Drink this bottle of hot sauce.
2. There is a rabid dog outside with a toothache. Fix it.
3. There is a 72 year old, 450lbs woman upstairs who’s never had sex. Fix it.
Guy decides to pass and have a couple drinks. A couple hours pass by and the man is absolutely trashed and tells the bartender he’ll do it. He downs the hot sauce with ease before stumbling toward the door. “Moving on!” The bartender hears yelling and screaming and yelping. The man stumbles in, clothes shredded, bloody from head to toe, and exclaims, “now where’s the old fat lady with the toothache?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kd5r1/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife is so negative... I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag

But all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kd5ob/my_wife_is_so_negative_i_remembered_the_car_seat/
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A photon checks into a hotel...

The staff ask if he is carrying any luggage with him.
The photon replies "No, I'm travelling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kczuk/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
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I never watch Ted talks about aids

Some ideas are not worth spreading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kcyd2/i_never_watch_ted_talks_about_aids/
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A blind man walked into a bar one night...

. One of the patrons at the bar saw him and helped him get to a barstool and get a drink. After a few minutes, the blind man leaned over to his new friend and said, "I just heard the world's best blonde joke. Would you like to hear it?"
The other man said, "Friend, before you say another word, there's something you need to know."
"What's that?" the blind man asked.
"There are five people besides you in this bar. The bartender is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. There are two women sitting at the end of the bar. One is an off-duty police officer, and the other is a Marine Corps gunnery sergeant, and they're both blond. I'm six-foot-four, two hundred and sixty pounds, and I've got a third degree black belt in karate, and I'm blonde.
"So," the man concluded, "Are you sure you really want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thought about it for a minute and said, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kcxks/a_blind_man_walked_into_a_bar_one_night/
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Remember Vine? It's ok if you don't.

It lasted about six seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kcum4/remember_vine_its_ok_if_you_dont/
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I got really anxious after I watched a play yesterday

I must have Post Dramatic Stress Disorder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kcq9p/i_got_really_anxious_after_i_watched_a_play/
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What does the F in Ethiopia stand for?

Food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kcj1n/what_does_the_f_in_ethiopia_stand_for/
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A 9 year old girl is playing with her younger sister...

... In the backyard of the house, when the older girl tap on her sister shoulder and point at the neighbor house saying:
_"Oh my god, look the neighbor's wife is giving a blowjob to the mailman under the veranda!
And her innocent sister ask with a cute little voice:
_"What's a veranda?."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kchpd/a_9_year_old_girl_is_playing_with_her_younger/
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A clown held open the door for me the other day.

It was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kce3m/a_clown_held_open_the_door_for_me_the_other_day/
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They say smoking is bad for you.

But it cures salmon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kcama/they_say_smoking_is_bad_for_you/
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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight,   But how do you know?'
Luigi answers,
'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers,
'Yes, Luigi , I do,  But how do you know that?'
He replies,
'I see the reflection in my new $300Armani leather shoes.. . How do you
like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face
turns red...
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,
Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'
Luigi gasps,
'Thank God ...
I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Armani leather shoes..........!'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kc9kp/luigi_walks_to_work_20_blocks_everyday_and_passes/
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Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kc4jg/why_does_helen_keller_masturbate_with_one_hand/
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What are fun molecules made of?

partycles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kc446/what_are_fun_molecules_made_of/
%
The Purple Pirate

This is not a good joke, my Dad told it to me years ago and I haven't seen it here yet.
There was once a purple pirate who sailed the 7 purple seas. One purple day, as the sky was clear and purple the purple pirate landed his purple ship on a purple island.
The Purple pirate explored the purple island and found a purple orchard filled with purple trees laden with purple pears. The Purple pirate picked a purple pear and ate it, however, halfway through the purple pear he heard a shout from behind. The Purple pirate turned around to see an angry purple farmer wielding a purple shotgun who shouted "OI! Those are my purple pears! Pay up, Theif!".
The Purple pirate had no money so the purple farmer dragged him to purple court where the purple judge sentenced the purple pirate to a week in purple jail for scrumping.
The purple pirate was taken to the purple jail, down the purple corridors, up to his purple cell. The Purple jail guard opened the purple door and said to the purple pirate "indigo".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kc045/the_purple_pirate/
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My mother’s sister is Anti-Abortion

it’s a cruel nickname but she’s had 5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kbzfu/my_mothers_sister_is_antiabortion/
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What do you call a zombie that writes music...?

Decomposer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kbudq/what_do_you_call_a_zombie_that_writes_music/
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My friend got mad at me cause I was sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kbseq/my_friend_got_mad_at_me_cause_i_was_sniffing_his/
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My dad's favorite joke that he created

Warning: this joke is not good in any way
Three men go on a walkabout vacation in the outback of Australia. They have never been to the continent, and unknowingly tresspassed on aboriginal grounds.
Towards dusk, they are ambushed and kidnapped by aborigines. They are taken back to thier village, and bound while the aborigines prepare for the event.
With all three men bound around the fire, the leader explains that they will all be killed, and their bodies will be used as crafting materials for the village. He said that the most important use for them would be to use thier skins to make canoes.
However, the leader explained that they were a merciful people and that they could choose how they would die. They had to make that decision fast, though, or the leader would choose for them.
The first man somberly asks the leader to shoot him with a gun he had stored in his luggage. He obliges, and shoots the first man.
The second man begrudgingly asks for death by blade, and the leader obliges once more, and kills the second man using a knife from his luggage.
The third man, having had time to think, asks politely and confidently for a fork, also in his luggage. The leader, confused, retrieves the fork. The third man also asks if he could have permission to do it himself, the leader agrees.
The third man takes the fork, and a manic smile appears on his face as he begins to stab himself all over his body with the fork while screaming,
"FUCK YOUR FUCKING CANOES!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kbo0s/my_dads_favorite_joke_that_he_created/
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I know taking your date to a forest isn't what everyone does...

But I'm into sappy stuff like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kbmpc/i_know_taking_your_date_to_a_forest_isnt_what/
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My girlfriend asked me to draw her a bath. I filled the tub for her and when she went to get in, she said, "You made it too hot! If I was a child, you would've scalded me!"

I replied, "If you were a child, that wouldn't be the worst thing I've done to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kbm6v/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_draw_her_a_bath_i/
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How do you say goodbye to over 1000 indonesian people?

With a big wave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kbkuu/how_do_you_say_goodbye_to_over_1000_indonesian/
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I don't think this one has been posted here

Was told this one by my dad and it's one of the only good jokes he's ever said so I had to share it
---------------------------------------------------------
A man is the head of a popular bakery in New York. The most popular thing they sell is their bagels, but the main bagel chef is out of town, so there are no bagels today.
One old woman has asked repeatedly if there are bagels, to which the answer is always no. For some reason, she keeps going to the back of the line and asking over and over if there are bagels.
The woman comes up to the front and once again asks for bagels. The man has had quite enough and asks her:
"Ma'am, how do you spell cat as in Catastrophic?"
She replies "C A T"
He asks her "how do you spell dog as in Dogmatic?"
She replies "D O G"
The man then asks her "how do you spell fuck as in Bagels?"
The woman, confused, says "there's no fuck in bagels"  to which the man shouts
"THATS WHAT IVE BEEN TELLING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kbhpv/i_dont_think_this_one_has_been_posted_here/
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A guy and his girlfriend are lifting 1-pound weights together.

He turns to her and says, "Babe, I don't think this is working out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kbdj7/a_guy_and_his_girlfriend_are_lifting_1pound/
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A man is walking to his car late at night

When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds
"I'm a hooker, are you interested?"
The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits.
Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window.
"Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?"
The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife"
The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know."
The man responds with "Me neither until you shined that flashlight"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kb65g/a_man_is_walking_to_his_car_late_at_night/
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I went to the brothel the other day but it was closed...

The sign said "Beat it, we're closed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kb4uq/i_went_to_the_brothel_the_other_day_but_it_was/
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What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel, and a Labrador?????????????

A hot diggity Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kb4c1/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_chili_pepper_a/
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A man walks into a bar...

A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said:
cheeseburgers 3$
hotdogs 5$
handjobs 10$
He goes to the bar and asks the lady "are you the one that gives handjobs" and she said yes, then he replied "well wash your hands I want a cheeseburger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kb3lx/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I asked a Chinese Girl for her number...

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kb24v/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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Sonny Bono can't tell you the name of the tiger in The Jungle Book...

But Cher can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kazp3/sonny_bono_cant_tell_you_the_name_of_the_tiger_in/
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What do you call a sword that commits sexual assault?

A Rapier!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kauei/what_do_you_call_a_sword_that_commits_sexual/
%
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess So the boy asked the stewardess,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9karqv/a_mother_and_her_son_were_flying_southwest/
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What is the priest's favorite musical note?

A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kanbc/what_is_the_priests_favorite_musical_note/
%
What would Rhett do if Link died?

Good Mythical Mourning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kajtx/what_would_rhett_do_if_link_died/
%
An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting.
Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere.
Obviously, he chooses hell, but as soon as gets there, he gets thrown into a tub of boiling water, with demons poking him with pitchforks.
He starts complaining to the Devil, that this isn't what he was shown.
The Devil replies, "Well, sorry mate, that was just the E3 demo".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9kaakv/an_ea_developer_dies_and_gets_do_decide_if/
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A priest, a preacher and a Rabbi walked into their favorite bar

where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop.
On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ka9f3/a_priest_a_preacher_and_a_rabbi_walked_into_their/
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A whisky distillery is looking for a new taster.

They put out an ad for the tasting job in the newspaper. The next day, a shabby homeless man comes forward to apply and be interviewed. No one on the team is willing to hire him, but the distillery manager lets him sit for the interview for amusement's sake.
He asks his assistant to bring a glass of whisky for the homeless man. She sets it down in front of him, and he gives it a taste. Then, he says, "12 years old, aged in an oak barrel, wood stained from use in a wine barrel, heavy amount of peat used in the fire. Biscuit notes, with heavy smoke, and a hint of vanilla."
The distillery team is dumbstruck. They never expected the homeless man to be so adept at tasting. Wanting to prove that this was just dumb luck, the manager makes his assistant get a different glass of whisky from his personal collection.
She gives it to the homeless man, and he drinks. Then, he says, "A 12 year old whisky from Canada and a 6 year old whisky from Scotland, blended in Japan, and aged a further 6 years in oak barrels. Herbal notes, with apricot."
Not one to hire a disheveled, problematic seeming individual, the manager takes his assistant aside and tells her to pee in a cup, and hand it to him for tasting.
"He'll never be able to guess what it is, and we can reject him without looking bad!"
The assistant goes away for a bit, and comes back with the glass of pee. The manager snickers as the homeless man drinks.
The homeless man smacks his lips, and says "27 years old, from South London, recently come to Scotland. 3 weeks pregnant. And if you don't give me the fucking job I'll you who the father is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ka6na/a_whisky_distillery_is_looking_for_a_new_taster/
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I keep hearing about Occam's razor, but i don't know what it is.

Most likely, it's a razor owned by someone named Occam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k9sdu/i_keep_hearing_about_occams_razor_but_i_dont_know/
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I went to a Halloween party dressed as a Chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered.
The Chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k9s3e/i_went_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_as_a_chicken/
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What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?

When your driving in the fog you can never see the asshole infront of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k9o5y/whats_the_difference_between_eating_pussy_and/
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What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

One actually accomplishes something when it’s triggered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k9fzt/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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A man with a terrible stutter visits the doctor

Man: DDDDoc, you gggotta help me. My wwwife says she's gggonna leave me if I ddon't get rid of this ssstutter.
Doc: Ok well let's run some tests.
Doctor returns with the results.
Doc: Well the tests came back and it looks like the reason you're stuttering is because your penis is too long. We'll have to remove a good length to cure you.
Man: Gggee well ssshe did say that she'd llleave me. Ok.
After the surgery the man tries to speak and...
Man: Doc it worked! I'm cured! Wait 'till my wife sees!
A couple days later the man returns to the doctor
Man: Doc, you gotta help me. My wife decided she'd rather have me with a big dick and a stutter than speak normal and with a small dick! What do we do?
Doc: YYYou're tttoo late buddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k9bbo/a_man_with_a_terrible_stutter_visits_the_doctor/
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When I was little my mom used to tuck me in a lot.

I guess she really wanted a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k99sy/when_i_was_little_my_mom_used_to_tuck_me_in_a_lot/
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What do you call a goat that works at a bakery?

A battering ram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k91v8/what_do_you_call_a_goat_that_works_at_a_bakery/
%
People who say white people can’t jump,

Have never seen 9/11 footage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k91px/people_who_say_white_people_cant_jump/
%
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Wherever you left him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k8u1h/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn't tell the kids

He gives them a clue: "Its what your mother calls me."
The son yells "Spit it out! It's a fucking dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k8o06/dad_cooks_deer_for_dinner_and_doesnt_tell_the_kids/
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How is a church like an old video game?

Pew-pew! Pew! Pew-pew-pew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k8mgf/how_is_a_church_like_an_old_video_game/
%
I'm think my car needs an alignment

It keeps drifting towards the liquor store..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k8ifh/im_think_my_car_needs_an_alignment/
%
My last relationship was a lot like Forrest Gump’s

I was retarded and she was a whore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k8g0l/my_last_relationship_was_a_lot_like_forrest_gumps/
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I ate too much cookie dough and got sick

It was an overdoughse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k8fe1/i_ate_too_much_cookie_dough_and_got_sick/
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I walked into a room full of men masturbating

They all looked shocked when I didn't stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k8euk/i_walked_into_a_room_full_of_men_masturbating/
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Why is "beefstew" a terrible password?

Because it's not stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k8elv/why_is_beefstew_a_terrible_password/
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How does the man on the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k8dnw/how_does_the_man_on_the_moon_cut_his_hair/
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Did you hear what they’re calling this Tesla scandal?

Elongate, it’s gonna be really drawn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k8cbg/did_you_hear_what_theyre_calling_this_tesla/
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What’s worse than getting a job at McDonald’s?

Not getting the job at McDonald’s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k8c99/whats_worse_than_getting_a_job_at_mcdonalds/
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How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k8ado/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k8a45/a_photon_is_going_through_airport_security_the/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

She will stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k89ls/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_is/
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I don't use turn signals.

I figure its none of their business where I'm going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k89et/i_dont_use_turn_signals/
%
Why do ducks have feathers?

To hide their butt quacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k85us/why_do_ducks_have_feathers/
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If you want to go to heaven, make sure your sin count is divisible by 360.

Because sin(360)=sin(0).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k81qx/if_you_want_to_go_to_heaven_make_sure_your_sin/
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Fun fact: saying the word "poop" makes the same shape with your mouth as your bum hole does when pooing

The same is also true for "explosive diarrhoea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k805e/fun_fact_saying_the_word_poop_makes_the_same/
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Oh Bobby..what did you grow up to be!?

Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7x8f/oh_bobbywhat_did_you_grow_up_to_be/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was recently in court for sixual assault

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7wpe/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
What do you call a reptile lawyer who lives in the swamp?

Alitigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7wl8/what_do_you_call_a_reptile_lawyer_who_lives_in/
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She married and had 6 children

Her husband died.
She soon married again and had 3 more children.
Again, her husband died.
But she remarried and this time had 4 more children.
At last, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?"
The neighbor replied, "I think he's referring to her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7w7f/she_married_and_had_6_children/
%
"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Luters I expect." --Terry Pratchet,  The Light Fantastic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7val/rincewind_all_the_shops_have_been_smashed_open/
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A guy wants to build a nuke. He goes to a supplier and asks...

"How much are the protons?"
"A dime a dozen, and the neutrons are free of charge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7rcq/a_guy_wants_to_build_a_nuke_he_goes_to_a_supplier/
%
How does a highly decorated sniper retire his old trusty sniper rifle?

With an honorable discharge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7n6g/how_does_a_highly_decorated_sniper_retire_his_old/
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I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early

The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7lh9/i_got_rejected_from_my_job_interview_for_coming/
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the  85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.  "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"  The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7izq/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for/
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You can die of suffocation by staring at someone's rear.

That's right. You can get ass-fixated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7hrg/you_can_die_of_suffocation_by_staring_at_someones/
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A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7h86/a_couple_wants_to_have_sex_but_their_son_is_in/
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What's a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7ewb/whats_a_nearsighted_gynecologist_and_a_puppy_have/
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There was an old Bolivian train driver...

who had been driving trains for nearly 25 years, maintaining a perfect record. One day, he is running a little behind and will be late to his next stop if he doesn't hurry. He calls into the train station and asks to speed up the train so he can make it in time. They tell him that he's hauling too much to safely travel any faster and that he needs to maintain his current speed.
Not wanting to mess up his record, he goes against the stations' orders and speeds up the train. He comes to a curve in the track and because of the weight, the train derails and the resulting crash kills a man. Being that he went against orders, the driver was charged with manslaughter and sentenced to death by electric chair.
He gets into the chair and the undertaker asks him what he wants for his last meal. He asks for one banana.
With a confused look, the undertaker gets one banana and gives it to the driver. He eats the banana and gets strapped in. The undertaker flips the switch. Sparks fly and smoke fills the room. When the smoke clears, the driver is still alive!
In Bolivia, when you survive the death penalty, it's ruled as an act of God and you're free to go.
The man haggles his way back into his job driving trains. With a non-perfect record though, he doesn't really care anymore about his job. He is going too fast again and derails another train; this time killing two people.
He's sentenced to death by chair once again. Before he gets strapped in, the undertaker asks him what he wants as his last meal. He asks for two bananas and the undertaker looks confused but gives him the two bananas.
After he's eaten, he is strapped in and the undertaker flips the switch. After a flurry of sparks, the man is still alive. Another act of God and he is free to go.
After begging and promising to be better this time, the man gets his job back driving trains. He didn't do any better though and killed three people after derailing it again.
Sentenced to death once more.
Once the undertaker asks him what he wants for his last meal, he replies
"Three bananas please"
the undertaker says
"I remember you! We're going against protocol and skipping your last meal. I'm tired of you eating those stupid bananas and getting away with killing people."
The driver replies
"Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7a6b/there_was_an_old_bolivian_train_driver/
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Dave, Einstein, and the bus driver get together to write OC for this sub and they send me the material to proof. My response is always the same though.

Already Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7a34/dave_einstein_and_the_bus_driver_get_together_to/
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Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k78xy/did_you_hear_about_the_ancient_egyptian_man_that/
%
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk go in a bar.

Bartender says “what is this, some kind of joke?”
(I made up this joke when I was 10 or so, at least I hope so)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k78qk/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_monk_go_in_a_bar/
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If you want some Vietnamese soup but there is a really long line

It's basically a big pho queue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k72gv/if_you_want_some_vietnamese_soup_but_there_is_a/
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I had a hard time deciding if I wanted to get a lobotomy

But in the end, it was a no-brainer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k7191/i_had_a_hard_time_deciding_if_i_wanted_to_get_a/
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My girlfriend and I have our childhood teddy bears that we put into sexual positions. I told her we should try to do things that we make them do.

Today, she came back from the toy store with a bunch of black bears...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k6zc1/my_girlfriend_and_i_have_our_childhood_teddy/
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A mother is helping her son study for a test

Mother asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"
Son replies "Berlin."
Mother then asks "What is the capital of France?"
Son replies "Berlin."
Mother asks "What is the capital of Russia?"
Son replies "Berlin."
Mother then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k6yh7/a_mother_is_helping_her_son_study_for_a_test/
%
My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me “Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland?” and it’s getting really annoying

My Friend asked me “Are you mad at her?”
I replied “Don’t you start too”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k6v5b/my_girlfriend_has_been_repeatedly_asking_me_are/
%
I found a baby bird the other day

The other day I found a baby bird that had fallen out of its nest.
I love animals, and I thought to myself 'I'm going to get this little guy back to its nest'.
Now, it took me about 5 or 6 throws...
Credit: Norm Macdonald on his new Netflix show (Since everything here is a repost might as well dish out the OC Credit where its due).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k6rx0/i_found_a_baby_bird_the_other_day/
%
Did you know that Kim Jong Un loves books?

He's the Supreme Reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k6roo/did_you_know_that_kim_jong_un_loves_books/
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How do you crash a muslims iphone?

Airplane mode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k6p16/how_do_you_crash_a_muslims_iphone/
%
Who wants to hear a joke about oxygen and potassium?

No one?
OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k6n2p/who_wants_to_hear_a_joke_about_oxygen_and/
%
He was a natural born thief.

He had his mother's looks, his father's nose, and the doctor's watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k6mfk/he_was_a_natural_born_thief/
%
Little boy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat

"How did you know it was dead?" asks the teacher.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" says the boy.
"You did what!?" shrieks the teacher.
"You know" explains the boy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn't move!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k6k33/little_boy_tells_his_nursery_teacher_he_found_a/
%
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k6j25/i_bought_my_girlfriend_a_fridge_for_her_birthday/
%
My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.

The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"
"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k6fs0/my_wife_went_into_hospital_last_night_after_an/
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So my wife bought one of those orgasm alarm clocks. After seeing how well it worked, I decided to go online and find the male version.

It's safe to say she wasn't to pleased when I was woken up with a bj from a prostitute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k6eys/so_my_wife_bought_one_of_those_orgasm_alarm/
%
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer!

Put it in the oven at 350 until it’s bill withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k6e3c/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
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My Mother

One time my mother called me a son of a bitch, so I hit her because no one talks trash about my mother, then I hit myself because no one hits my mother, she then hit me because no one hits her son and then hit herself because no one hits me, so I hit her because no one hits my mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k6aqq/my_mother/
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Never trust information from a gay man.

He can't give it to you straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k696h/never_trust_information_from_a_gay_man/
%
I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k64ef/i_told_my_psychiatrist_that_ive_been_hearing/
%
The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic

Medics say he needed a second coat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k636o/the_boss_of_dulux_paints_has_died_of_hypothermia/
%
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k5ulz/in_the_middle_of_the_battle_i_decided_to_use_a/
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What the police say to his belly button

Your under a vest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k5rvf/what_the_police_say_to_his_belly_button/
%
Death must be great

I’ve never seen a skull frowning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k5r4a/death_must_be_great/
%
Turns out google is selling your personal data

Bing if true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k5qye/turns_out_google_is_selling_your_personal_data/
%
Condoms

Ha!
Those are for pussies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k5ql9/condoms/
%
What's the difference between Like, Love, and Showing Off?

Spit, Swallow, and Gargle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k5p4b/whats_the_difference_between_like_love_and/
%
America has been having so many problems

You would think it was built on a thousand Indian Burial Grounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k5ou8/america_has_been_having_so_many_problems/
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A story with a happy ending

I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig."
“Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.”
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k5itv/a_story_with_a_happy_ending/
%
Snow White and the 7 Dwarves were all in bed feeling happy

Happy got out, so they started feeling grumpy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k5bas/snow_white_and_the_7_dwarves_were_all_in_bed/
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I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How the fuck am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k5b89/i_read_that_by_law_you_must_turn_on_your/
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What's the difference between a circus and a whore house?

One has a cunning array of stunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k5b61/whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a_whore/
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The local sperm bank is paying £100 per sample.

Think of all that money you have let slip through your fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k54mr/the_local_sperm_bank_is_paying_100_per_sample/
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Noah

Ever wondered what Noah did with all the animal shit on the Ark?
He shovelled it all overboard and then Christopher Columbus discovered it 2000 years later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4zp9/noah/
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Bananas can stop diarhea very effectively

Just don't pull them out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4xqu/bananas_can_stop_diarhea_very_effectively/
%
Two Scottish men go golfing on a Saturday morning...

As they are in the middle of their round, a funeral procession passes in full view of the two golfers.  One of them stops everything, pulls his hat off, and holds it over his heart as he watches.  He stands there, not touching his clubs until the very last car passes the course.
"Wow," says his friend.  "That's the most touching thing I've ever seen."
"Well," says the first.   "We *were* married for 40 years."
(Told to me by a Scottish golfer.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4xe0/two_scottish_men_go_golfing_on_a_saturday_morning/
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They say true beauty is inside...

But so are your bowels, and they’re full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4wbb/they_say_true_beauty_is_inside/
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Somalian women were rated the hottest out of any country...

They’re all pirates, of course they have the most booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4wa6/somalian_women_were_rated_the_hottest_out_of_any/
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As a Mongolian who just became a U.S. citizen...

I’m so proud to be an Ameri-khan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4v8k/as_a_mongolian_who_just_became_a_us_citizen/
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If anyone ever asks you to spell “part” backwards don’t do it...

It’s a trap...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4v4w/if_anyone_ever_asks_you_to_spell_part_backwards/
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If Nintendo made a porno it would be called

Super Smash Bros

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4um7/if_nintendo_made_a_porno_it_would_be_called/
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Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4pzy/handjobs_nsfw/
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At the beginning of time two schools were created.

One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.
Students at Matter High developed Gravitation, Strong Attraction, Weak Attraction, and Electromagnetism.
Students at Antimatter High created Annihilation, Baryogenisis, and Nuclear Decay.
But they hit a wall: even after all their work,  the universe was still an empty expanse of nothingness.
The two administrations met to discuss the issue, and after a lengthy process decided that they had to initiate one final fundamental event- the big bang- and that they would have to sacrifice one of their own to be the source of particles and energy.
Nobody volunteered, so it was decided by vote that it had to be one of the two head administrators. The head of Antimatter High stood and said "I'm sorry,  but it absolutely cannot be me."
The head of the other school stood and said "Must it really be me?"
"I'm sorry, " he replied,  "it's nothing personal. It's the principal of the matter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4pqi/at_the_beginning_of_time_two_schools_were_created/
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What happens when the fog clears from Los Angeles?

UCLA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4my0/what_happens_when_the_fog_clears_from_los_angeles/
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If a woman sleeps with many guys shes called a slut.

But if a man does the same, he's definitely gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4mjb/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_many_guys_shes_called_a/
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A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance. As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling.

The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the
entrance had said he was a 9.
"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4m8i/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_spies_two_lovely_women/
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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4m1i/an_ugly_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_a_beautiful/
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Teacher: "Billy, can you use the word 'contagious' in a sentence?"

Billy: "My dad said it will take that contagious to fix the fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4hwu/teacher_billy_can_you_use_the_word_contagious_in/
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My friend text me 'what are you doing now?'

I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4hrh/my_friend_text_me_what_are_you_doing_now/
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How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?

Koonnichihuahuaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4h2i/how_do_japanese_chihuahuas_say_hello/
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How can you tell someone hates vegans, cross fitters, and atheists?

Don't worry, they'll repost a joke about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4fgf/how_can_you_tell_someone_hates_vegans_cross/
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Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he came from, made him look small and belittled him in front of his family, who all laughed until they cried along with everyone else at the man’s expense. The man wanted to retaliate but he didn’t know how.
Torn to pieces and disgraced by the sheer level of intellectual humor the man became broken and he left his family and roamed from bar to bar telling his story of woe. Eventually he met another disheveled traveller who suddenly became alive at his tale. The traveller said, ‘I know your pain but I can help you for I know a man who is the guru, the king, the true master, indeed the GOD of comebacks!’
The man said skeptically who is this person you know?
The traveller said he is known as, ‘Ono Bellono The Master of Wit and Repartee!’
The man said ‘who’?
The traveller said, ‘Ono Bellono The Master of Wit and Repartee!’
‘Okay’, said the man, ‘what must I do?’
The traveller said it would be a grueling task taking many years but that ultimately if he survive he to would become a true master of wit and repartee!
So the man set out to find Ono Bellono The Master of Wit and Repartee!
And after several years of great hardship he eventually did find, ‘Ono Bellono The Master of Wit and Repartee!’
At first Ono Bellono The Master of Wit and Repartee! Refused to help the man but the man persisted, he did menial chores for Ono Bellono The Master of Wit and Repartee! Until eventually, Ono Bellono The Master of Wit and Repartee! Did agree to help the man.
Ono Bellono The Master of Wit and Repartee agreed to share his deepest humor his finest retorts indeed his greatest repartee!
After years of training the man returns to his home village astounded to see the same circus is returning and he knows his time has come to confront the clown with all his learned  and long mastered skill.
On the day of the circus he meditates on all he has learned.
He enters the circus tent and takes a seat. The show begins. ..
After some time, finally THE VERY SAME CLOWN returns!
The clown turns to the audience and spots the man sat in the crowd and he points and grins.....but before the clown can utter a word....
The man, seeing his moment, springs to his feet and points at the clown.....all the crowd turn to the man and gasp! ....as he says,
“Fuck off Red Nose!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4caq/okay_i_have_never_seen_this_here_and_i_have/
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Today I held open a door for a feminist

My court hearing is scheduled for next Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k4c68/today_i_held_open_a_door_for_a_feminist/
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Did you hear about the reality show based on 9/11?

No? I'm not surprised, the pilot crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k470x/did_you_hear_about_the_reality_show_based_on_911/
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Who has been magically making Nintendo money?

Nintendo’S witch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k3xok/who_has_been_magically_making_nintendo_money/
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Even though she was a severe woman, I told my grandmother when my car got stolen...

She said, “if you’re looking for sympathy , you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k3xks/even_though_she_was_a_severe_woman_i_told_my/
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A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along

, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them.
The mother mouse goes, "WOOF WOOF!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k3ux8/a_mother_mouse_and_a_baby_mouse_were_walking_along/
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A handsome prince is looking for a wife

(This is a joke from my childhood in my part of the world with some details revised--can't explain now why but it's necessary.)
A handsome prince from a wealthy kingdom is looking for a wife. Three princesses from neighboring kingdoms answered the call. They were gathered and told that in order to win the prince's heart, they'd each have to go on an adventure to seek and then return with seven of the best fruits of its kind. So off the princesses went.
The first princess returned with seven of the best ripe bananas she could find and offered it to the prince. But there was a surprise twist. She had to stick all of the bananas into her vagina without making a single sound. If she would so much as let out a whimper, the guards would decapitate her. So one by one, she inserted the bananas into her vagina. She was impressive. She was able to stick all six in without making a sound. But the seventh one was her undoing. Halfway through it she let out a small cry. She was beheaded.
The second princess was sly. She actually stuck around and witnessed what the first princess had to go through. So off she went then came back with seven of the best grapes she could find. So one by one, she popped in the grapes inside her. It was just like nothing at all. She was so confident she would win that she let her guard down. As she popped in the last grape, she laughed out loud. She was beheaded.
The first and second princesses meet in heaven. They exchanged pleasantries and decided to catch up.
The second princess told the first that she'd been wise enough to investigate beforehand what the fruits would be for, so she brought in grapes. Puzzled, the first princess asked how come the second princess was beheaded anyway. Did she make a sound of sorts? They were only grapes, for Chrissakes, she could probably take in up to fifty of them.
"Well," the second princess confessed. "As I was taking in my last and final grape... I saw the third princess walking in. She was carrying seven of the world's best and largest pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k3tti/a_handsome_prince_is_looking_for_a_wife/
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Where do you save your happiest memories?

On Cloud 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k3t8r/where_do_you_save_your_happiest_memories/
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Came across a body lying on the sidewalk

A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.
The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive.”
“How do you spell that?” the operator asked.
“S-i-c-k…” the man began. “No, s-i-c-a…..” no, s-i-k-a…. oh heck, let me drag him over to Lake street and I’ll call you back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k3qds/came_across_a_body_lying_on_the_sidewalk/
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What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here, I’ll go on ahead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k3q03/what_did_one_hat_say_to_the_other/
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I caught my husband going to a brothel and I'm not sure what to do now.

On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k3hq9/i_caught_my_husband_going_to_a_brothel_and_im_not/
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A young man is listening to a 90 year old, who was once a great adventurer..

The old man:
"Then there was the time we were on safari, and from some bushes, not 10 feet away, a huge Lion attacked going ROAR!!!"
"I tell you son, I just shit myself!"
The young man: I don't blame you! If I had a Lion that close, I'd shit myself too!"
The old man: No, I mean just now, when I went ROAR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k3bzf/a_young_man_is_listening_to_a_90_year_old_who_was/
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If you're questioning your sexuality...

You probably aren't thinking straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k3acr/if_youre_questioning_your_sexuality/
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Once there was a Scottish man named MacGregor. One day, MacGregor was talking to a young boy about legacies. This is what MacGregor said:

Now young man, make sure you leave a good legacy and don't make mistakes like I did.
You see that moat over there? I built that moat with my own two hands, but do they call me MacGregor the moat builder? No, they don't.
You see that bridge over the moat? I built that bridge with my own two hands, but do they call me MacGregor the bridge builder? No, they don't.
You see that castle surrounded by the moat? I built that castle with my own two hands, but do they call me MacGregor the castle builder? No, they don't.
But you fuck one goat...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k37u4/once_there_was_a_scottish_man_named_macgregor_one/
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A man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a pint. After he finishes , he peeks inside his shirt's pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another pint.

After he finishes, he again peeks inside his shirt's pocket and orders the bartender to bring another pint. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' drinks all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt's pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k372d/a_man_enters_a_tavern_sits_down_at_the_bar_and/
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The United States Post Office has issued a recall of the official Donald Trump Presidential stamp

People were too confused about which side to spit on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k35gw/the_united_states_post_office_has_issued_a_recall/
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You had sex with my sister!!

\- Well, she was lying there naked in my office.
What was I supposed to do?
\- The fucking autopsy you sick bastard!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k33c2/you_had_sex_with_my_sister/
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I was hit by a moose driving my motorcycle yesterday.

How he managed to drive it is a mystery to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2x6h/i_was_hit_by_a_moose_driving_my_motorcycle/
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Has anyone read the book, "Cum Stains on Her Pillow"

By Mr. Completely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2wps/has_anyone_read_the_book_cum_stains_on_her_pillow/
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What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin?

About $10,000.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2wa4/whats_the_difference_between_a_fiddle_and_a_violin/
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What do you call a pussy visiting other countries?

A Clitourist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2qyk/what_do_you_call_a_pussy_visiting_other_countries/
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So a Russian judge walks out of a courtroom

As soon as the door has closed behind him, he doubles over laughing his ass off.
Another judge walks up to him and asks him what's so funny. The he says "I just heard the funniest joke I've ever heard in my entire life!"
The other judge says "Well, come on. What was it?"
"I can't, I just gave someone ten years for it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2qry/so_a_russian_judge_walks_out_of_a_courtroom/
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My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”

I said, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2pda/my_friend_said_to_me_do_you_want_to_hear_a_really/
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Brett Kavanaugh: “I HAD A BAD WEEK!”

Lindsay Lohan: “Hold my beer. “
Brett Kavanaugh: “THANK YOU I LOVE BEER”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2mjq/brett_kavanaugh_i_had_a_bad_week/
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A little boy asks his dad, "Where does poo come from?"

His father is taken aback by the question but decides to tell the son the truth.
"Well, son," he says, "food passes down the oesophagus, enters the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction. Then it passes through the alimentary canal before waste enters the colon, and then it finally emerges as poo."
"Wow," says the boy. "So where does Tigger come from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2l8v/a_little_boy_asks_his_dad_where_does_poo_come_from/
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Her husband's libido

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.  'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!  Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,' Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton’s again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2l6y/her_husbands_libido/
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What do you call the law student who graduates last in their class?

"Your Honor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2kjw/what_do_you_call_the_law_student_who_graduates/
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How does Gordan Ramsey save money?

Swear Jar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2jd8/how_does_gordan_ramsey_save_money/
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What's grey and comes in ounces?

An elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2h95/whats_grey_and_comes_in_ounces/
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The Ladies Department

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of  the largest department store chains.
He shyly walked up to the woman behind the  counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?"  asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one  type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this  variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied "The  Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you  need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between  them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2gn5/the_ladies_department/
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Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2d3o/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_nobel_prize/
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Lawyer joke

Lawyer Joke!
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer ... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2a8m/lawyer_joke/
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What is the phobia of chainsaws called?

Common fucking sense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k29eo/what_is_the_phobia_of_chainsaws_called/
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How do you find a black man?

Guilty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k290a/how_do_you_find_a_black_man/
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What did one midget cowboy say to the other midget cowboy?

This town's big enough for the both of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k26l0/what_did_one_midget_cowboy_say_to_the_other/
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I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a Doctor.

The Security Guard suspected I was not the Real McCoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k2436/i_tried_to_sneak_into_a_star_trek_convention/
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k227t/little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class_doing_math/
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If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k1ztl/if_youre_american_when_you_go_into_the_bathroom/
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How long has HIV been in Australia?

For dick AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k1zmt/how_long_has_hiv_been_in_australia/
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Forestry.

Now there's a shady business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k1un5/forestry/
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What is Harry Potter's favorite method of getting down a hill?

Walking... JK, rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k1u2a/what_is_harry_potters_favorite_method_of_getting/
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Two guys wearing the exact same clothes...

I saw two guys wearing the exact same clothes. I asked them if they were gay and I got arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k1qn3/two_guys_wearing_the_exact_same_clothes/
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I call my wife Google

. Not because the knows everything, but because she discontinues services i quite like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k1qc9/i_call_my_wife_google/
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Dressing like a nun seems like something I'd like to do, but I've heard it's addictive

and I don't want to get into the habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k1kzk/dressing_like_a_nun_seems_like_something_id_like/
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A multi-cultural night out to dinner...

An  Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a   German, an Indian, an Iraqi,  several Americans (including a   southerner, a New Englander, a Minnesotan and a Californian, an   Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Syrian,  a Slovakian, an Iranian,   an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a   Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Jordanian, a Colombian, a   Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Kuwaiti,  a Cypriot, a   Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman   Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an   Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, an Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an   Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian,  a  Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian,  a  Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a   Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an   Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a   Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an   Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a   Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a   Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean,   an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....
"I'm sorry," says the maître d',
"you can't come in here without a Thai."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k1it6/a_multicultural_night_out_to_dinner/
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One night a man had a dream

He dreamed he was on a beach and in front of him were two sets of footprints. As he followed the footprints scenes of his life flashed across the sky. As he reached the end of the trail of prints he saw a figure that could only be Jesus.
The man approached Jesus and said “‘My Lord! Am I dead?”
“Yes my child” Jesus replied.
“Lord, there were two sets of footprints that led me here and scenes of my life were flashing across the sky as I walked. Why were there two sets?”
“My child,” the Lord replied. “The second set of footprints were mine. I’ve walked with you all your life.”
“But Lord,” the man responded. “I saw that during the most trying and troublesome times of my life that there was only one set of footprints.”
Jesus put his hand on the man’s shoulder and replied “My son, that is because, during those times, I was... TAKING CARE OF ONE OF THE OTHER 7 BILLION PEOPLE ON THE FUCKING PLANET!!! Not everything is about you, Jerry!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k1gp5/one_night_a_man_had_a_dream/
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My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old...

... but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k1db6/my_wife_always_said_that_she_wanted_the_body_of/
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A limbo contestant walks into a bar...

...and is eliminated from the competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k1cs2/a_limbo_contestant_walks_into_a_bar/
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I text my wife to say be home in a hour, having a drink with the boys, if I am not home within the hour..

Read this text again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k1b66/i_text_my_wife_to_say_be_home_in_a_hour_having_a/
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A man decided he was sick of city life and moved to the country.

After getting situated, he decided he needed some animals on the farm. He searched the local ads and found a farmer willing to relinquish some livestock for a fee.
He promptly goes to the farmers home and begins his inquiry.
First is the chicken coop and he finds the most beautiful rooster. He tells the farmer he'd like to take the rooster off his hands, and farmer gives him a peculiar stare.
"Listen son, if you're gonna live around here, you're gonna hafta learn the language. That there's called a Cock!"
Ok says the man and picks up the bewildered animal.
Thinking to himself, he decides the creature will be in need of some company. He looks the other chickens over and find a very plump, healthy hen.
"I would like to take that hen off your hands as well."
Again he's met with farmers disapproving glare.
"Son, if you're gonna live around here, you're gonna hafta learn our language. That there's called a Pullet!"
Ok says the man and picks up the hefty creature.
Feeling satisfied with his purchases, he decides to leave when he's met with a very pleasant donkey. So he asks the farmer, "how much for the really nice..."
The farmer cuts him off saying, "listen son, I know what you're gonna say, and you're wrong! You can have the beast, but from now on you call it an @ss!"
Ok says the man. He's walking away with the cock and the pullet under each arm, and holding the reigns for the @ss which is trailing behind, when suddenly the donkey comes to a complete stop and jolts the man.
The farmer upon seeing this runs out to meet them and says, "Ah, this @ss gets real stubborn sometimes, but all you need to do is scratch him right here between the eyes, and he'll go wherever you lead him."
The farmer scratches the beast and on they go.
Sometime down the road, well away from the farmers house the donkey stops again.
Helpless with the hen and the rooster under each arm, the man doesn't know what to do, when the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen drives up in an awesome convertible.
Upon seeing his troubles, she pulls over to the side of the road and asks him if he needs any assistance.
Thinking that she must be from the area, and not wanting to embarrass himself, remembering all the farmer told him, he thinks, "I must speak the language"
So he responds to the lovely lady, "Yes ma'am. Would you mind to hold ma Cock and Pullet, while I scratch my Ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k1asf/a_man_decided_he_was_sick_of_city_life_and_moved/
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I told my Mexican friend that he was being deported...

You should have seen Hispanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k177l/i_told_my_mexican_friend_that_he_was_being/
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What do you call a baby metal band?

Ultrasound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k170m/what_do_you_call_a_baby_metal_band/
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When my wife and I first got together, I was completely broke, but she stood by me.

She had to. We only had one chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k159o/when_my_wife_and_i_first_got_together_i_was/
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My son just told me that he and his girlfriend are finished.

I don't need a running commentary of their sex life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0zz8/my_son_just_told_me_that_he_and_his_girlfriend/
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A scientist is sent to an isolated small island in a distant archipelago for a research project

and is greeted by a group of locals who will help him out in his project that should take several months. The entire group of helpers in the island is male and after some weeks he starts to feel lonely and horny. So he asks his most trusted helper about women.
“Oh, there are no women in this island, sir” - said the local.
“I see... and what do you guys do when you get... you know... lonely?”
“When we get lonely, sir? We just use the donkey”
The scientist was appalled by the revelation and pretended the conversation never happened. However, in the next weeks he overheard the locals mentioning that “it’s so great that the donkey is here” and “I don’t know how I could handle it if it wasn’t for the donkey”, among other things. Noticing how natural it seemed to the locals, the scientist started to become intrigued.
After three months he couldn’t take it anymore. He called his most trusted helper and asked: “I give up. I want you to take me to the donkey”. The helper promptly took him to a donkey which was tied to a tree at a beach where some other locals were hanging out.
“Here it is, sir. Have a good time!”
The scientist was so horny he didn’t care that other people were watching. After all, they all did the same thing from time to time. So he took off his pants and wildly fucked the donkey, which screamed and protested, but the scientist firmly kept the animal under control until he was finished.
After coming back to his senses, the scientist looked around and noticed that the locals were staring at him, absolutely shocked. Concerned, he asked his most trusted helper: “why are they looking at me like that? Don’t you guys always do this?” To which the helper replied: “No, sir, we always use the donkey to ride to the island nearby, where the brothel is...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0zrn/a_scientist_is_sent_to_an_isolated_small_island/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0y1s/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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How do you describe a Jew making Tea?

He-brew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0vvl/how_do_you_describe_a_jew_making_tea/
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A blind cowboy walks into a bar...

...and after ordering his drink, asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a blonde joke. The bartender replies, "Well, I don't mind sir, but I must warn you that there are three rather dangerous blondes in this bar tonight.
The first one by the pool table just got released from prison for murder yesterday. The second in the corner over there is the leader of the local gang. And the last one sitting right next to you is a professional boxer.
So I must ask, are you really sure you want to tell this blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a moment, shakes his head, and says, "Nah, I don't wanna have to explain it three times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0vn1/a_blind_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two good friends go golfing

and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale.
"Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!"
The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0vlm/two_good_friends_go_golfing/
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I went to the zoo the other day and saw a baguette in a cage.

It was bread in captivity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0uv2/i_went_to_the_zoo_the_other_day_and_saw_a/
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Today my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance...

"Well...," a friend replies, "...I'm going to be honest with you: you should take advantage of that, she's not for you. She is seeing other guys, she even had an affair with me, your best friend! I'm glad she said that. How did she start the conversation?"
The other guy stays speechless for a while. "she... was studying for a test, for physics. She needed random numbers to calculate velocity."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0tw8/today_my_girlfriend_told_me_she_needed_time_and/
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What do you call the first day you ever get an erection?

Your girthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0ser/what_do_you_call_the_first_day_you_ever_get_an/
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I had an unrealistic dream about having several thousand dollars last night

Turns out it was two grand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0s66/i_had_an_unrealistic_dream_about_having_several/
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What do you call a cat served on a silver plate?

A platter-pus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0rv2/what_do_you_call_a_cat_served_on_a_silver_plate/
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What'd I say to my introvert friends who were jerking off alone in separate rooms?

"C'mon, pull yourselves together!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0owq/whatd_i_say_to_my_introvert_friends_who_were/
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Middle C, E-flat and G walk into a bar.

“Sorry,” the bartender says to the E-flat, “we don’t serve minors here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0m5v/middle_c_eflat_and_g_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why did Bilbo die with an erection?

Old hobbits die hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0lix/why_did_bilbo_die_with_an_erection/
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Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets a yo mama joke and then they knock knock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0ko9/where_do_little_jokes_come_from/
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Who is the 45th president of the United States?

The answer is a no-brainer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0h8l/who_is_the_45th_president_of_the_united_states/
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I met a Jewish girl and she asked me for my number.

Had to explain to her that we use names here. It was a pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k0cjk/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_me_for_my_number/
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A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...

They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain is that Ireland has at least one half of one brown cow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k08kd/a_biologist_a_logician_and_a_philosopher_are/
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Aye girl, are you binary?

Because i'd like to put my 1 next to your 0.
I know, I know... Too nerdy and not a great joke, I came up with it last night. 0 laughed at it but I was hoping at least 1 would.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k06qh/aye_girl_are_you_binary/
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Yo mama so fat, you can see directly behind her

Gravitational lensing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k06q3/yo_mama_so_fat_you_can_see_directly_behind_her/
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PMS jokes are not funny

Period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k06bi/pms_jokes_are_not_funny/
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What is the loneliest bayou in Louisiana

Bayou Self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k053y/what_is_the_loneliest_bayou_in_louisiana/
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Why did the Skeleton turned down the chance to be a surgeon??

Because it didn't have the stomach for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k047q/why_did_the_skeleton_turned_down_the_chance_to_be/
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I don’t get all the hype about lamp memes

It’s just going to burn itself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k045y/i_dont_get_all_the_hype_about_lamp_memes/
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On the day I got married, at the ceremony, I stood up and tapped my glass for everyone to be silent.

I held up a fruit and said nothing, scanning the crowd for any sign of pleasure.
All I got was a series of blank expressions, and I could feel my animosity growing as I searched each person, then the next.
"What's wrong with you all?" I finally shouted. "I thought you guys would love my wedding's peach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k03kb/on_the_day_i_got_married_at_the_ceremony_i_stood/
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What kind of overalls does Mario wear?

Denim denim denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k02ir/what_kind_of_overalls_does_mario_wear/
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I encountered some paranormal activity at the local airport.

My plane wasn't delayed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9k00k2/i_encountered_some_paranormal_activity_at_the/
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"Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord"

Huh? Must have been G-sus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzyiq/well_ive_heard_there_was_a_secret_chord_that/
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Some X-Box friends were having a conversation...

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzybl/some_xbox_friends_were_having_a_conversation/
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I haven't heard from my son in 2 weeks.

He must be playing that Fortnight game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzu5b/i_havent_heard_from_my_son_in_2_weeks/
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...Blonde dog!

...Blonde lying in bed with her husband listening to next door neighbours' dog barking for hours and hours every night!
* **blonde:** "I've had enough of this," ....the blonde runs downstairs, finally returns back to bed.
* **husband:**  "The dog is still barking. What have you done?"
* **blonde:** "I've put their dog in our yard, now we'll see how they like it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzqbs/blonde_dog/
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I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

You need your parents permission to access the site...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzq92/i_just_finished_designing_a_website_for_an/
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Got pulled over by the cops for drink driving, but clever me drank the urine sample.

Now I am in court for taking the piss..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzoi3/got_pulled_over_by_the_cops_for_drink_driving_but/
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You really cannot trust your drug dealers. One day they appear genuine,

Next day they’re methin’ around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jznoi/you_really_cannot_trust_your_drug_dealers_one_day/
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Two Parents Get Arrested

A couple is arrested after they get caught burning their son’s name on farms. Picture a big bonfire, but it spells their son’s name.
It’s a tense ride into the station. The parents are obviously nervous, so the officer makes some small talk.
After a while, though, the curiosity gets the best of him so he asks them why.
Cop: “Of all things to spell out, why your son’s name?”
Dad: “We figured it was the best way to show how much we love arson.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzm83/two_parents_get_arrested/
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A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having

Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me”
Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzlzj/a_dad_puts_a_deer_in_the_oven_and_doesnt_tell_the/
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[Pickup line] Are you the Korean peninsula?

Because I'm gonna split you in two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzig7/pickup_line_are_you_the_korean_peninsula/
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Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:

-Which one of you fucked my wife??!!
Some guy in the crowd says:
- you should bring more bullets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzh90/angry_man_comes_to_local_bar_with_gun_yelling/
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I miss my ex sometimes

But my aim is getting better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzh0w/i_miss_my_ex_sometimes/
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A man and a woman are sitting together on an airplane.

The man sneezes, pulls out his dick, and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his dick and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his dick out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzdsi/a_man_and_a_woman_are_sitting_together_on_an/
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What's the difference between a Jew and a Boy Scout?

A Boy Scout comes home from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzdia/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_boy_scout/
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I pushed an old lady over in the bank yesterday:

She asked me if I could check her balance..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzca1/i_pushed_an_old_lady_over_in_the_bank_yesterday/
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If you ever miss 4:20 wait till 4:22...

...because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzbd7/if_you_ever_miss_420_wait_till_422/
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says
the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jzbaa/a_man_joins_a_very_exclusive_nudist_colony/
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[First Date]

Me: Your profile says you’re good at finishing sentences?
Her: Yeah, Totally!
Me: Same! I just finished a 20 year sentence for manslaughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jz7uy/first_date/
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Five old ladies in a car . . .

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jz3z0/five_old_ladies_in_a_car/
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Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane crash.

It was the left wing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jz3go/fox_news_has_determined_the_cause_of_the_recent/
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My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jz2if/my_local_library_refuses_to_stock_howto_books/
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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jz1qg/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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“Oh science, Oh science, Oh science!!”

~ an atheist having sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jz0kw/oh_science_oh_science_oh_science/
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Mexican jokes are like black jokes...

Once you heard Juan you heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jyyys/mexican_jokes_are_like_black_jokes/
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A man is on trial for armed robbery...

The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, “Not guilty.” The defendant leaps to his feet. “Awesome!” he shouts. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jyu12/a_man_is_on_trial_for_armed_robbery/
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As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"

Because I always let Freedom Ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jykto/as_a_true_american_patriot_i_always_put_phone/
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Why don’t people like Russian nesting dolls?

Because they’re full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jyk79/why_dont_people_like_russian_nesting_dolls/
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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turns to her and says,
"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence," she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jyie9/a_chicken_farmer_goes_into_a_bar_takes_a_seat/
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Why was Gandhi an advocate of naan violence?

Because Hindus don't like beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jygf5/why_was_gandhi_an_advocate_of_naan_violence/
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I miss my ex sometimes.

I should probably use a bigger picture when I’m practicing darts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jyg6u/i_miss_my_ex_sometimes/
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A guy is in a doctors office.

His doctor is there with him.
"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.
"What are they?"
"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."
"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.
"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."
The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jyebt/a_guy_is_in_a_doctors_office/
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The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jy5u8/the_nintendo_64_turns_18_this_week/
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What's the difference between a well dressed Man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed Man on a unicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jy2z6/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right?

Because no matter what, women are always right, even when they're full of
shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jy1tl/why_are_male_bathrooms_on_the_left_and_female/
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Why do you have to take two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

Because if you take just one, he'll drink all your beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jy1m6/why_do_you_have_to_take_two_baptists_with_you/
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My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?

A dog, dogs eat meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jxzu3/my_child_doesnt_eat_meat_what_to_substitute_it/
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They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

Unless he's a vegan. Then you can get there through his vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jxxba/they_say_the_way_to_a_mans_heart_is_through_his/
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What vegetable shouldn't go on a boat?

A Leek!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jxtk7/what_vegetable_shouldnt_go_on_a_boat/
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I haven't spoken to my wife in over two years

I hate to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jxsyw/i_havent_spoken_to_my_wife_in_over_two_years/
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Got my girlfriend on her knees today...

“STOP HIDING UNDER THE BED,  YOU COWARD!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jxsw4/got_my_girlfriend_on_her_knees_today/
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Today my friend went on a blind date

He is ugly, but good for him.
She couldn't tell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jxr4e/today_my_friend_went_on_a_blind_date/
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What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd?

Mick Jagger says "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" and a Scottish shepherd says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jxqgz/whats_the_difference_between_mick_jagger_and_a/
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My new girlfriend is so needy...

She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jxq3e/my_new_girlfriend_is_so_needy/
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A college kid is traveling through the mountains of Georgia...

He’s lost, and having no luck finding his way back to the interstate.  It’s getting dark, and the road is twisty — so when he sees a sign “hotel and beer,” he decides to stop for the night.  Given that he’s lost, he figures he’ll stop in the bar for one drink and some directions.
When he gets there, it’s just him, the bartender, and a few drunks in a corner dealin’ stud.  College kid asks for a beer, but the bartender says:
“Naw, it’s jes you, me, and my cousins, son, tha revenoors ain’t gonna bother us.  Let’s have some ‘shine.”
Well, the college kid had heard of moonshine, and was always curious about it, so he agreed.  The bartender got out an old milk jug and poured him a plastic cup of the good stuff, and boy did it burn going down.  It had a wonderful earthy flavor, mixed with what seemed to be antifreeze.  Lovely stuff.
After a minute, the bartender walked back over and refilled his cup.
“Hey, ya know what?  I designed and built this bar myself, ya know that?  Yep.  Me and my cousins got together and did it over a long weekend.  But do they call us the McEwin architects?  Naw, they don’t.”
“Alright,” thought the college kid as the second cup of moonshine started to hit him in the head.  He sat there for a minute savoring, when the bartender came and topped him up again.
D’ya see that sign when ya came on up in here?  Yep.  My cousins and me painted that sign, over a long weekend.  But do they call us the McEwin artists?  Naw, they sure don’t.”
Well, that seemed odd to the college kid, but by this point he was hitting that warm pleasantness where you can’t taste the liquor but you sure want more of it.  The bartender sidled back over and poured another big pour, and the college kid downed it in one.
“Ya like that ‘shine, sure ‘nuff.  It’s real good stuff.  Me and my cousins brewed that shine over a long weekend.  Sure did.  But do they call us the McEwin distillers?  Naw, they sure as shit do not.
But ya rape a few college kids...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jxott/a_college_kid_is_traveling_through_the_mountains/
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The best thing about elevator jokes?

They‘re really uplifting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jxnzl/the_best_thing_about_elevator_jokes/
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I always make women show me their boobs before I show them my body ink

You know the old tit for tat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jxirz/i_always_make_women_show_me_their_boobs_before_i/
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What do you call a black person who sings well?

A vocal minority

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jxhwa/what_do_you_call_a_black_person_who_sings_well/
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Why do orphans like playing tennis?

Because it’s the only love they get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jx25e/why_do_orphans_like_playing_tennis/
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Can't you just UNDERSTAND!?

Little billy was bored so he was playing under the table in the kitchen with his toys to pass the time. His mom who was cooking and noticed him under the table shouted "Billy get out from under the table right now!" Little billy was confused and asked his mom " what does under mean?" She answered "it's when you are below something" so he  got up and stood around without anything to do. His mom didn't like that he was taking up space in the kitchen while she was cooking so she shouted "Billy! Stop standing around in the kitchen" billy was confused once again and asked "what is standing" she impatiently answered "it's what you are doing right now! Can't you just understand!?"
So little billy got in a crouched position and kept taking up space in the kitchen. His mom was furious at this point "What are you doing now!?!?"
So little Billy answers with a cute smile on his face "I'm UNDER STANDING like you told me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jx0h3/cant_you_just_understand/
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Don't tell secrets in the garden:

The potatoes have eyes
The corn has ears
And the beanstalk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jwx1x/dont_tell_secrets_in_the_garden/
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I keep getting sexually harassed at work by my boss.

It is one of the many drawbacks of being self-employed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jwvv4/i_keep_getting_sexually_harassed_at_work_by_my/
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Watching golf on TV is like watching a porno.

After five minutes I want to do it myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jwm5j/watching_golf_on_tv_is_like_watching_a_porno/
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[Possible OC] What's the worst thing to write in Braille?

Caution hot surface

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jwjt9/possible_oc_whats_the_worst_thing_to_write_in/
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Overweight

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've gotten so fat I can't see my penis anymore."
The doctor says "Well, you're just going to have to diet."
To which the man replies "What makes you think I could find it easier if it was a different colour?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jwheh/overweight/
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I said to a blonde girl I bet you a blowjob I can sing a song with your name in it, no way says the blonde my name is Chantelle so I bet you, Ok I said here we go....

Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday Chantelle happy blow job for me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jw9ek/i_said_to_a_blonde_girl_i_bet_you_a_blowjob_i_can/
%
A man is walking by a mental asylum...

...when he hears the patients inside shouting 'FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN!'. The asylum yard has a 9 foot tall concrete wall, so he can't see inside, but he notices a small hole in the wall, about waist high. Curious, he approaches the hole and looks through it. A stick suddenly pops out of the hole and jabs him in the eye, and the inmates start shouting 'FIFTEEN! FIFTEEN! FIFTEEN!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jw2y8/a_man_is_walking_by_a_mental_asylum/
%
why have aliens never visited our solar system?

because they saw the reviews only had 1 star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jw2r9/why_have_aliens_never_visited_our_solar_system/
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Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jw2be/brett_kavanaugh_has_stated_that_he_will_not_be/
%
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…

What a horrible way to start a game of Scrabble…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jvznk/i_was_given_mdma_and_lsd_tonight/
%
Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.
"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."
"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."
"That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church."
The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest.
After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jvxx4/two_young_brothers_in_rome_aged_12_and_14/
%
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.
Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.”
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.”
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!”
The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jvsc6/jesus_saw_a_crying_old_man_while_walking_in_a/
%
Why is 88 better than 69?

Because you get ate twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jvoba/why_is_88_better_than_69/
%
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jvld6/right_after_takeoff_a_pilot_comes_on_the/
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My barrister

You have to tell me the truth," my barrister said. "It doesn't matter to me if you're guilty or not, I just don't want to be surprised in court."
"Ok, I raped and murdered those prostitutes." I admitted.
"Interesting, but can we get back to this shoplifting charge please?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jvhfi/my_barrister/
%
My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jvgtq/my_wife_hasnt_said_a_word_to_me_in_6_days/
%
What do a pizza delivery guy and gynaecologist both have in common?

They both have to smell it, but neither of them get to taste it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jvfc5/what_do_a_pizza_delivery_guy_and_gynaecologist/
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Just wrote this

How does Sherlock Holmes find out what TV shows are on?
He just asks Watson.
(Works better out loud)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jv8al/just_wrote_this/
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[NSFL] What's the difference between jesus & a picture of jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jv6yx/nsfl_whats_the_difference_between_jesus_a_picture/
%
I offered to give my daughter a lift to school.

"Come on," said my wife, "she's big enough to take the bus by herself."
I said, "That's harsh. She's not *that* overweight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jv6n3/i_offered_to_give_my_daughter_a_lift_to_school/
%
If women would be ruleres in every country there wouldn’t be any wars

Just a bunch of countries that wouldn’t speak with each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jv6fb/if_women_would_be_ruleres_in_every_country_there/
%
I’ve spent a month lifting and I still haven’t gotten stronger

I guess it’s not working out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jv68f/ive_spent_a_month_lifting_and_i_still_havent/
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I gave my blind friend a cheese grater...

He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jv5rm/i_gave_my_blind_friend_a_cheese_grater/
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Don't worry if you don't understand the term "universal predicament".

It's a common problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jv4zq/dont_worry_if_you_dont_understand_the_term/
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People always wonder what got me interested in the candle business

I’d have to say it was mostly common scents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jv4ol/people_always_wonder_what_got_me_interested_in/
%
Communists must love Tsunamis.

They take the homes of the wealthy and give poor people access to the beachfront.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jv2js/communists_must_love_tsunamis/
%
Why did the man go to prison for humping a road?

Sexual Asphalt Charges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jv2f9/why_did_the_man_go_to_prison_for_humping_a_road/
%
I walked into my grandparents house

and caught my grandad shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. "Grandad," I said, "You promised me that you'd spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed."
"I did," he replied, "Doesn't your nan look great!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jv1uw/i_walked_into_my_grandparents_house/
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A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note.
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our Anniversary. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night. All my love,
P.S. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jv1an/a_young_man_wished_to_purchase_a_present_for_his/
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The magic tractor

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It drove down the road and turned into a field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9juwtj/the_magic_tractor/
%
An elderly couple are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary...

They sit down across from each other, naked, as they had done once many many years ago to enjoy a romantic dinner at home.
She looks at him lovingly and says, "My love, even after all these years I still feel the same warmth in my chest when I look at you".
He raises his gaze from his plate and looks at her. He sighs. "Lift your tits out of your soup and it'll go away"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jusa4/an_elderly_couple_are_celebrating_their_60th/
%
I got a G in Physics and my parents grounded me.

They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9juqkk/i_got_a_g_in_physics_and_my_parents_grounded_me/
%
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jupn0/last_night_a_hypnotist_convinced_me_i_was_a_soft/
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I went to a Jerry Seinfeld stand-up last night. It was actually really disappointing; he didn't use any of his old jokes I used to love...

Like, what's up with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jumgh/i_went_to_a_jerry_seinfeld_standup_last_night_it/
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The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jul8x/the_thing_i_love_most_about_this_fall_weather_is/
%
ICE-CREAM sellers.....

Make your job sound more important by telling people that you're a 'Walls Treat Trader'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jukcw/icecream_sellers/
%
Why is Oklahoma so windy?

Because Kansas sucks, and Texas blows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jujxu/why_is_oklahoma_so_windy/
%
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?

A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9juj79/whats_the_difference_between_a_pessimist_and_an/
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What do fortnite and your mom have in common?

Every twelve year old is into them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jufpj/what_do_fortnite_and_your_mom_have_in_common/
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A man walks into a hardware store

So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:
A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks “how long do you want them mate?”, the man responds “nah I wanna keep em”
Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9juf58/a_man_walks_into_a_hardware_store/
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What's the difference between a chick-pea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9judzh/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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Always give a 100% in everything you do

Unless it's blood donation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jucil/always_give_a_100_in_everything_you_do/
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate his tit a lot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ju7z9/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
My italian friend died recently

I guess you could say he pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ju7us/my_italian_friend_died_recently/
%
What do you have when you put 20 Trump supporters in the same room?

Almost a full set of teeth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ju6d6/what_do_you_have_when_you_put_20_trump_supporters/
%
How did I get out of Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jtz9h/how_did_i_get_out_of_iraq/
%
A girl went to an astrologer...

Girl: I have two boyfriends, John and David. Please tell me who will I get married to...Who's going to be the lucky one?
A: You'll get married to John and David will be the lucky one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jtrxx/a_girl_went_to_an_astrologer/
%
What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jtroz/what_should_you_do_if_youre_attacked_by_a_group/
%
I walked into a bar full of ugly women last night and swore I entered the Matrix.

Because all I was seeing were 1s and 0s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jtquj/i_walked_into_a_bar_full_of_ugly_women_last_night/
%
“If your friends jumped off a bridge would you”

Was probably not the best way to break the ice in group therapy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jtqnz/if_your_friends_jumped_off_a_bridge_would_you/
%
How many EA employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

[Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99!]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jtpsp/how_many_ea_employees_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What is a plateau?

The highest form of flattery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jtmnq/what_is_a_plateau/
%
How come you didn't name me after you Dad?

We named you after your Mom, squirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jtjsd/how_come_you_didnt_name_me_after_you_dad/
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History class in Russia

During a history lesson, the teacher asks her students, “OK class, who knows what event, consequential for the history and culture of the Russian people, took place in 1799?”
From the back of the class, a student raises his hand and answers, “Our greatest poet Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin was born.”
The teacher replies, “Very good Misha! Now can anyone tell me what other momentous event took place in 1812?”
Misha again raises his hand and says, “That’s easy! Our greatest poet Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin turned 13.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jtjis/history_class_in_russia/
%
What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jtin0/what_rock_group_has_four_men_that_dont_sing/
%
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are around $1.29 and deer nuts are just under a buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jtil5/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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Dad walks into his daughter's room...

And catches her having sex.
Daughter: Oh my God! Dad I'm sorry!
Dad: Hi Sorry, I'm Dad.
Daughter: Dad, this isn't funny!
Dad: Of course honey, everyone knows this is Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jtckd/dad_walks_into_his_daughters_room/
%
What do you call a leper in a hot tub?

Stu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jtbgv/what_do_you_call_a_leper_in_a_hot_tub/
%
If EA had a restaurant...

would it have servers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jtann/if_ea_had_a_restaurant/
%
Don't repeat a rumour.

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually, I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife!!..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jt5ka/dont_repeat_a_rumour/
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What did the gay janitor say when he came out of the closet?

Supplies !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jt3wv/what_did_the_gay_janitor_say_when_he_came_out_of/
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2 Guys walk out of the gym together.

The first guy has a big bulge near his pocket. The second guy points at and and asks what it is.
"Tennis ball."
The second guy makes a face like he's thinking, and then says "Well I had tennis elbow once..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jt3mz/2_guys_walk_out_of_the_gym_together/
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A Jew goes to heaven...

And tells God a Holocaust joke.
God said, "I don't think that's very funny."
To which he replied, "Hm. I guess you had to be there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jsyv3/a_jew_goes_to_heaven/
%
What's another name for the Battle Bus

Virgin Airlines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jsvh4/whats_another_name_for_the_battle_bus/
%
What do you call a large crowd of people discussing the subject of wanking?

A mass debate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jsrgw/what_do_you_call_a_large_crowd_of_people/
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An Arabic man is helplessly wandering through the desert when he comes across a Jewish tie salesman.

"Water! Water!" The Arabic man cries.
"I have no water, only ties. Would you like to purchase a tie?" Replies the Jewish tie salesman.
"No!" Exclaims the Arabic man, "I need water! Tell me where there's water!"
"I know where there is water. 20 miles east, there is a village with abundance of water there."
So the Arabic man stumbles off into the distance.
A few days later, the Jewish tie salesman sees the Arabic man crawling towards him on the horizon. This time, he's barely able to croak out, "Water. Water."
As the Arabic man nears him, the Jewish tie salesman asks, "did you travel to the village that I told you about?"
He replies, "Yes. But I needed a tie to get in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jsnrz/an_arabic_man_is_helplessly_wandering_through_the/
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A new private arrives at an army base

The major in charge asks him if he has reported to his lieutenant.
The private replies, "there isn't one, Sir"
The major says, "No, you must report to him."
"Sir, may I ask you a question?"
"All right"
"Suppose you take 'rifle' and remove the 'f'. What remains?"
The major replies, "Rile, I suppose."
"And what if you removed the 'f' from 'draft'?"
"I guess it would be 'drat' then."
"And what about from 'lieutenant'?"
Confused, the major responds, "but there's no 'f' in 'lieutenant'."
The private replies, "that's what I've been telling you the whole time—there is no effin' lieutenant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jsjem/a_new_private_arrives_at_an_army_base/
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3 men wash up on a cannibal island

The cannibals trap them and then tell them: "Hey, if you want to join our tribe, you must pass 3 trials. If you fail any trial, or refuse to join, you will be eaten"
The first trial was to find 10 identical fruits. The first guy comes back with 10 peaches. The cannibals tell him that the second trial is to insert all 10 fruits up his rear-end with out changing his facial expression. After the fourth peach, the guy can't take it, and he changes his facial expression, so the cannibals kill and eat him.
The second guys comes back with 10 blueberries. The cannibals tell him about the trial. He thinks "ehh, this isn't that bad". Anyway, after the 9th blueberry is inserted, he bursts out laughing violently. The cannibals tell him that they are going to eat him, but first they ask him why he started laughing, as he was doing so well up until that point.
He says: "I saw the 3rd guy coming back with 10 pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jshx1/3_men_wash_up_on_a_cannibal_island/
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One mushroom turned to the other mushroom and says...

“What do you know about my father?”
The other mushroom replies, “not much, but I heard he’s a fun guy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jshio/one_mushroom_turned_to_the_other_mushroom_and_says/
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Golf in Japan

An American golfer went to Japan for a tournament.  The night before he met a woman, and although neither spoke a word of the other’s language, he managed to get the point across.  They got into bed and when he stuck it in her she yelled something in Japanese which he took to me she was in ecstasy.  The next day the golfer played in his tournament against a Japanese golfer.  The Japanese golfer sank a tricky putt so the American golfer thought he’d compliment him but repeating the Japanese words he heard the night before. The Japanese golfer looked surprised and said “What do you mean wrong hole?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jsfoh/golf_in_japan/
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A man was in line with his young son at the pharmacy...

when the little guy spotted the case of condoms off to the side.
"What are those, Daddy?" he asked.
"Ah, those are the condoms, son," said the father. "Remember when we talked about how babies are made? People use those during sex to avoid getting the woman pregnant."
"Why are they in different size packages?"
"Well, the single ones are for the weekend for high school guys. See? One for Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. And those packs of three are for college guys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"What about the big box, Daddy?"
"Ah, those are packs of 12 for married men like me, son. See? One for January, one for February..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jse8f/a_man_was_in_line_with_his_young_son_at_the/
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[Long] A man walked into a barn.

The farmer asked,"Why are you here?"
The man said, "To get water."
The farmer opened the door and gave the man a cup of water.
"Why don't you have water?" he asked.
"My water was on my horse when it ran away," replied the man. "By the way, do you happen to have a horse I could ride?"
The good-natured farmer said, "I do, but it has a problem."
"What problem?" asked the man.
The farmer replied, "It's a Christian horse, sir. It only goes when you say 'Praise the Lord' and only stops once you say 'Amen.'"
The man said, "Okay, I'll take it."
So the farmer gave the man the reins to the horse.
"Giddy-up," said the man, but the horse did not move.
"Get going," he grumbled, but still the horse stood still.
The man kicked the horse with his spurs, but it refused to move.
Finally, the man remembered.
"Praise the Lord!" he said, and the horse began moving.
"Praise the Lord!" he said again, and the horse increased its speed.
"Praise the Lord!" he said for a third time, and the horse entered full gallop.
The horse galloped on and on, seemingly without needing to stop.
"This is a great horse," thought the man. "It doesn't need rest, nor food, nor water. It survives purely on faith."
The man was thinking how wonderful it was that his old horse had run away and he had gotten this new horse when he noticed a cliff off in the distance.
"Stop!" he shouted, yanking the reins.
The horse did not stop.
"Stop!" he shouted again, and pulled the reins even harder.
The horse didn't even slow its step.
Just as the man thought he was going to die, he remembered.
"Amen!" he shouted, and the horse skidded to a stop just in front of the cliff.
The man peered over the cliff, and, thinking how lucky he was to have escaped death, raised his hands to God.
"Praise the Lord!" he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jsdax/long_a_man_walked_into_a_barn/
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My friend accidentally discovered a foolproof method of getting instant long lashes.

He smoked a joint in Saudi Arabia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jscy3/my_friend_accidentally_discovered_a_foolproof/
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What does the Earth do after a bad breakup?

Gets drunk off its axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9js37v/what_does_the_earth_do_after_a_bad_breakup/
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Money can't buy happiness...

...but poverty can't buy anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9js2jf/money_cant_buy_happiness/
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Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers

"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9js1sg/two_guys_are_changing_in_a_locker_room_one_is/
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Why did the giraffe leave her boyfriend?

He was a Cheetah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9js1o7/why_did_the_giraffe_leave_her_boyfriend/
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The Loan

Bob lent Bill $1000. Today Bill arrives at Bob's door. It's 10 am on a Saturday. Bob's wife answers wearing only a bra and panties.  Bill looks her up and down and says, if you drop your top I will give you $250 in cash.  She pauses for a moment to think it through and whips it off. Bill counts out $250 and gives it to her. Then he says, drop your panties and I will give you $750. She pauses again and then drops them. Bill gives her the money and leaves.  Bob asks, who was that? She answers Bill. Bob says, oh did he return my $1000?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9js1fj/the_loan/
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I used to sell fertilizer.

It was a bullshit job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9js0xj/i_used_to_sell_fertilizer/
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What do you call r/powerwashingporn?

A scrubreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9js0uv/what_do_you_call_rpowerwashingporn/
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A man decides he wants to run a farm

.
He goes to the farm store, and orders 300 baby chicks from the manager.
The next week, he comes back and orders 300 more chicks. The store just thinks that his farm is doing well, and sells them to him.
Again, the next week, the man comes in and orders another 300 chicks. At this point, the manager is confused
"Is everything alright with your farm? This is the third order you've made."
"Yeah, but I can't figure out if I'm burying them too close together or too deep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jrtn5/a_man_decides_he_wants_to_run_a_farm/
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Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me...

It means a lot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jrqxo/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
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A man was arrested for ejaculating out his nose

But he did nutting wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jrl26/a_man_was_arrested_for_ejaculating_out_his_nose/
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[OC] I have a friend who breeds hound dogs and I’m trying to get into the business myself, but I don’t know where to start.

Maybe I should get some pointers from him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jrjdd/oc_i_have_a_friend_who_breeds_hound_dogs_and_im/
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My Cyclist Friend Was A Decent Guy

Until he turned into a cycle path.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jrek7/my_cyclist_friend_was_a_decent_guy/
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I saw in the newspaper: "Serial rapist strikes again!"

Strike all you want ya cunt, you're not getting a pay rise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jrd45/i_saw_in_the_newspaper_serial_rapist_strikes_again/
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If laziness was an Olympic sport.

I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jrbky/if_laziness_was_an_olympic_sport/
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A policeman stopped two priest driving down the road. Policeman says we are looking for a couple of paedophiles, the two priest look at each other and says to the policeman..

Ok we will do it....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jrb85/a_policeman_stopped_two_priest_driving_down_the/
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I hate it when I blow a guy for a really long time, but he doesn't cum...

It's like that Coldplay song,
"when you try your best, but you don't suck seed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jra8f/i_hate_it_when_i_blow_a_guy_for_a_really_long/
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What do you call a tree with a blackbelt?

Spruce Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jra4v/what_do_you_call_a_tree_with_a_blackbelt/
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A man is overjoyed to find out that his wife has given birth to a baby girl, their second child.

Before entering the hospital room, the man gives his son a pep talk. "Son, before we go to see your baby sister, I have to inform you that she was born without ears. Please be nice, and don't mention anything to your mother."
"Ok", the son replied. Immediately upon entering the room, the son noticed several things about the newborn baby.
"Wow mom!", the son exclaims. "My sister has  such a strong chin!". The mom happily replies, "Yes, she has your father chin."
"And such a cute nose!", the son says. The mom gazed down at her child. "She definitely has my nose."
"And such gorgeous eyes!", the son shouts. "Yes", replies the mom. "The doctors tell me she has perfect vision."
"Good to hear", retorts the son, "because she would have been screwed if she needed glasses!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jr9ve/a_man_is_overjoyed_to_find_out_that_his_wife_has/
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Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jr305/did_you_hear_about_the_agnostic_dyslexic_insomniac/
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A grave mistake....

I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the local cemetery. 3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let then walk along with me. I told them "I understand - I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."
Never seen anyone run so fast...!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jr2ru/a_grave_mistake/
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1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism.

It's a Nietzsche market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jr1vg/1_in_10_philosophers_buys_into_egoism/
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Pirate for Halloween

A little boy with a speech impediment dressed as pirate for Halloween. He knocked on the door and when the lady answered he said "pick or peat". The lady asked what? He replied "pick or peat" and shook is bag. The lady said oh trick or treat and the little boy shook his head yes.
The lady then asked what  are you dressed as? The boy responded a "birate". Lady asked what? The boy responded a "birate". Lady then said a "pirate" and the boy shook his head yes.
The lady then asked where are your "Buccaneers" which the little boy reached up grabbing his ear and said " right here lady where are your bucking eyes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jr1mm/pirate_for_halloween/
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I accidently filled the escort with diesel yesterday.

She died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jr0qq/i_accidently_filled_the_escort_with_diesel/
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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jqypx/jesus_and_satan_were_having_an_ongoing_argument/
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There are five cows on a farm, one momma cow and four baby calves.

The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.”
The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.”
The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jqvi0/there_are_five_cows_on_a_farm_one_momma_cow_and/
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well

I was amazed, i never knew they worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jqso1/my_motherinlaw_fell_down_a_wishing_well/
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Why are North Koreans required to give their books to Kim Jong-un?

Because he is their Supreme Reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jqsje/why_are_north_koreans_required_to_give_their/
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What’s the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple waits till ur 12 before it comes on your face,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jqrlm/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_pimple/
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My wife got mad after telling this story.

You can make yours mad too. And this is the story:
I got on this bus on my way home from work. I noticed this young boy and girl on the far end. First it was the usual kissing. Then the girl got touchy, what baffles me is it seems to be normal to others. Then the unthinkable happened, the girl pulled her shirt up and showed a breast. The boy sucked it immediately. I can tell, the girl's on her early 20's. The boy? Around 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jqpn9/my_wife_got_mad_after_telling_this_story/
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I single handedly...

Have a sex life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jqpmt/i_single_handedly/
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Brits

They drive a German Cars.
They go to Irish Pubs.
To drink Belgium beer.
They get a Chinese Takeaway on the way back.
They sit on Swedish furniture.
To watch American films.
On a Japanese TV.
Most of all though they are suspicious of all things foreign.
Courtesy of Rick Wakeman who I'm doing lighting for tonight. (super chill guy btw).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jqmpb/brits/
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I've been having sex with my boss

It's one of the many benefits of being self employed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jql1l/ive_been_having_sex_with_my_boss/
%
If you see someone pacing fast to the toilet, you'd know...

...shits about to go down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jqkqi/if_you_see_someone_pacing_fast_to_the_toilet_youd/
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After 10 years...

After 10 years, a mother realizes her kid looks a little funny and gets a DNA test done. Surprise, it's not her child! She tells the husband, who calmly replies, "What, you don't remember?" The wife shakes her head worriedly, hoping her husband's answer will fill in the gap. He says to her: "When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped in the diaper. You told me to change it, so I went back inside, grabbed a clean baby, and left the dirty one there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jqjib/after_10_years/
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[NSFW] How do you get into a girl's eggs?

With spermission.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jqivs/nsfw_how_do_you_get_into_a_girls_eggs/
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My wife and I have been having a lot of oral sex lately.

We say "fuck you" everytime we pass in the hallway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jqh58/my_wife_and_i_have_been_having_a_lot_of_oral_sex/
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Ive spent the last two years looking for my girlfriends killer.

Nobody will do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jqg1v/ive_spent_the_last_two_years_looking_for_my/
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A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.

"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for these,’ then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.’ So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise,’ so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jqb4u/a_blonde_went_to_the_emergency_room_with_the_tip/
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Hey baby, are you a wood chipper?

Cuz I wanna put a baby in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jq6k6/hey_baby_are_you_a_wood_chipper/
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Low tech enlightenment

A young tech executive is strolling through his business campus to stretch his limbs and get some air. He sits on a bench to relax, and pulls out his phone. Distracted, he looks up to notice an elderly Buddhist monk has sat down next to him.
He nods greeting and looks back to his phone, scrolling through his cycle of apps and feeds. As he is about to get up and go back to work, he looks over at the monk, who is quietly gazing across the park.
"You it strikes me, how peaceful you look without a phone in your hand," he mused suddenly, having a moment of introspection. "I and everyone else I know have a constant stream of work, social, and entertainment content direct in our hands basically all the time, and for what? I feel like by looking from one funny picture to the next snap  or whatever,  I've skipped the last 15 minutes, and yet hear you are taking it in. You are experiencing. "
The monk opens his mouth to speak, but the techie isn't done with his deep thinking." I mean, I can't actually tell you one thing that I just looked at! Not one! I laughed a couple times and learned a few useless facts, but man, it's all gone. I guess you didn't see anything new while we were sitting here either, but does it really matter if I can't remember anything anyway? It's like a constant stream of pointless content that takes my time instead of using it, you know?"
The monk waits for him to finish, then smiles. "Son, my fucking battery is dead. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jq444/low_tech_enlightenment/
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I got fired from my job as a stencil maker.

I guess it just wasn't cut out for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jpvkh/i_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_stencil_maker/
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After extensive research I've come to the conclusion that 10 is smaller than 5!

I finally understand factorials!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jpqvs/after_extensive_research_ive_come_to_the/
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Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jpq0x/why_do_chicken_coops_have_2_doors/
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Vow of silence

A man moves to Tibet to escape life and decides to become a monk. The head monk welcomes him and tells him he’ll need to take a vow of silence if he wishes to be a monk. The head monk tells him that each year he will be allowed to speak 2 words.
The man agrees. His first year is rough. The nights get colder and colder and after the first year the man approaches the head monk with his two words. “More Blankets” states the man. The head monk obliged and gets him more blankets.
During the 2nd year the man had lost a lot of weight. At the end of the 2nd year the man approaches the monk and says “More Food”. The head monk nodded and the man was given more food.
The 3rd year was the hardest and at the end of the year the man approaches the head monk and says “I’m leaving”
“Good”, said the head monk, “you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jpk1r/vow_of_silence/
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Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.

They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately.  An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading.
Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question. Ubisoft answered every question, but the answers were all incorrect. Ubisoft explained that they planned to fix the answers later after the test was graded.
EA, answered the first question correctly, but the rest of the test sheet was blank. EA then demanded a dollar for each answer after the first, but couldn't guarantee it would be the correct answer. And Valve put their pen down after answering the 2nd question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jpjak/square_enix_ubisoft_ea_and_valve_are_all_in_class/
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How did the cow know its children have been working out?

Its calves are getting bigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jphjo/how_did_the_cow_know_its_children_have_been/
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How did they know princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jpewu/how_did_they_know_princess_diana_had_dandruff/
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A local radio station was running a competition

- words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Dave: "Goan... spelled, G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Dave: "Goan fuck yourself!"
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, my name's Rich."
DJ: "Rich, what's your word?"
Rich: "Smee... spelled S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Rich, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Rich: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jpa03/a_local_radio_station_was_running_a_competition/
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How can you tell when an alto is trying to break into your house?

They can’t find the key and they don’t know where to come in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jp9fv/how_can_you_tell_when_an_alto_is_trying_to_break/
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I've got another example of the importance of Oxford commas:

I passed a headstone the other day which read, "Here lies Tyler Goetz, a lawyer and a good man."
&nbsp;
I just can't believe the three of them agreed on such ambiguous syntax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jp7hu/ive_got_another_example_of_the_importance_of/
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My wife said it was "crazy and impossible" when I told her I wanted to make a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jp5wy/my_wife_said_it_was_crazy_and_impossible_when_i/
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What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jp5im/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
%
Quasimodo finally retired from his job today...

He left with a lump sum and 30 years back pay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jopu2/quasimodo_finally_retired_from_his_job_today/
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Two blokes are talking

and one says " I slept with my wife before we were married, did you?" The other bloke said " I don't know, what was her maiden name?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9joncd/two_blokes_are_talking/
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Panties aren't the best thing in the world

But they're REAL close to it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jomf1/panties_arent_the_best_thing_in_the_world/
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I just met the guy in all those pain reliever commercials on TV

It turns out that he’s an aspirin actor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jol58/i_just_met_the_guy_in_all_those_pain_reliever/
%
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9joh87/dad_is_listening_to_his_daughter_say_her_prayers/
%
So when Spiderman produces a white sticky substance it's "cool"

Why is it whenever I produce a white sticky substance I'm considered a "massive pervert"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jo9av/so_when_spiderman_produces_a_white_sticky/
%
I'm not usually one to brag about my chick-magnet prowess...

but that hot girl with the eye patch keeps winking at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jo98l/im_not_usually_one_to_brag_about_my_chickmagnet/
%
What do you call a tornado that never touches down?

A tornadon't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jo86v/what_do_you_call_a_tornado_that_never_touches_down/
%
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I cannot stop singing Barenaked Ladies songs.

Priest: How long has it been since your last confession?
Me: It's been...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jo7dp/me_bless_me_father_for_i_have_sinned_i_cannot/
%
I have sex daily !

Oh, sorry, I mean dyslexia ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jo3w1/i_have_sex_daily/
%
Did jesus die a virgin?

Of course he didn't. He got nailed before his death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jo2z0/did_jesus_die_a_virgin/
%
A presidential aide says to Trump; "Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night."

"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested.
"Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets."
"Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited.
"Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet. They were also very proud and happy, particularly your wife."
Trembling with excitement and rubbing his little orange hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking good?"
The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jo2hs/a_presidential_aide_says_to_trump_sir_i_had_a/
%
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of it's paws and one has a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jo24v/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
%
When I eat a bunch of a foreign food

my gas smells different, it's like farting in another language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jo1h9/when_i_eat_a_bunch_of_a_foreign_food/
%
Friend: Everyone exists because of that saying "I think therefore I am"

Me: So does Trump just disappear every time he's about to post to Twitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jnzlv/friend_everyone_exists_because_of_that_saying_i/
%
Why is America so bad at chess?

Cuz they already lost 2 towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jnwfe/why_is_america_so_bad_at_chess/
%
Why does Queen Elizabeth’s toilet do so well in poker games?

Because it’s got a royal flush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jnvm4/why_does_queen_elizabeths_toilet_do_so_well_in/
%
"What did the leper say to the prostitute after sex?"

"Keep the tip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jnsvn/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute_after_sex/
%
What do you call a dead Australian dad?

Did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jnnpz/what_do_you_call_a_dead_australian_dad/
%
I went to a sperm bank today

Me: Sorry, I drank the cup of milk on your table.
Sperm bank employee: What cup of milk?
Me: The one on your table.
Sperm bank employee: You asshole that was my cup of milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jnlpa/i_went_to_a_sperm_bank_today/
%
Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi?

He's still alive.
(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jnjp5/why_cant_you_bury_a_man_living_east_of_the/
%
If I ever catch the person who stole my wig...

There will be hell toupèe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jnipa/if_i_ever_catch_the_person_who_stole_my_wig/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jniaj/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
So two guys need a car

Two guys head to the car dealership to see if they can get a car, the salesmen shows them a few cars and even the cheapest one is out of their price range, the car salesmen says “well follow me I have something that might work” and shows them a camel. The two guys after thinking about it decide to take the camel home. The next day they go back to the dealership and explain they lost the camel and want a refund, the car salesmen asks how they could lose a camel. So they explained “ we were at a stop light and a car pulls up and says hey look at those 2 assholes on that camel so we got off to check it out and the camel ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jnh3g/so_two_guys_need_a_car/
%
I hate people who take drugs

For example, border security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jncxz/i_hate_people_who_take_drugs/
%
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jncmr/a_bakery_owner_hired_a_young_female_shop_assistant/
%
Finally got a job making chess pieces

I start on nights next week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jnc2a/finally_got_a_job_making_chess_pieces/
%
Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?

For fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jnarr/why_did_the_guitar_teacher_go_to_jail/
%
Why does Thanos Car have top of the line tires?

The hardest choices require the strongest of wheels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jn8dn/why_does_thanos_car_have_top_of_the_line_tires/
%
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave.
So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave*
Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read:
*Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jn7vk/a_mother_is_invited_by_her_son_dave_for_dinner/
%
Did you hear about the Viagra user who slipped in the bathroom?

He pole vaulted out the window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jmtkp/did_you_hear_about_the_viagra_user_who_slipped_in/
%
Knock knock

Who’s there?
Smell mop!
Smell mop who? (Say it out loud to get the joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jms13/knock_knock/
%
I just found out my friend is a necrophiliac

Now he's fucking dead to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jmpra/i_just_found_out_my_friend_is_a_necrophiliac/
%
When I was a kid I caught a glimpse of my father’s dick

It made the rest of confession really awkward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jmkla/when_i_was_a_kid_i_caught_a_glimpse_of_my_fathers/
%
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today

. That’s 7 years in a row now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jmkay/i_cant_believe_i_forgot_to_go_to_the_gym_today/
%
2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.
They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land. One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are you guys mad or what ? What the hell are you doing ?
The guys replied. We are from the government Forest department. We are a three guy team. My job is to dig up a hole , the other guy plants a tree and this guy fills the hole back. The middle guy called out sick today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jmjqy/2_guys_on_the_road_one_was_digging_a_hole_the/
%
I saw a guy pickpocket a legless midget

I couldnt believe he would stoop so low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jmivv/i_saw_a_guy_pickpocket_a_legless_midget/
%
How did the child know his dad had arrived home from his trip?

It was apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jmh21/how_did_the_child_know_his_dad_had_arrived_home/
%
What do you call a Native American cook?

A Sioux chef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jmfo3/what_do_you_call_a_native_american_cook/
%
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby

. For instance my name, address and telephone number!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jmem7/so_much_has_changed_since_my_girlfriend_told_me/
%
Mister Mxyzptlk robs a bank.

It's a really high profile case, so the chief is all over the lead detective, calling him every few minutes for updates. The detective reviews the security footage and recognizes Mister Mxyzptlk. Not three seconds later the phone rings.
"Detective! I've got the mayor all over my ass on this one! Do we have a suspect yet!?"
"Well, it's hard to say..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jme7o/mister_mxyzptlk_robs_a_bank/
%
I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport

I have since found out it is a terminal illness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jm9px/i_caught_bird_flu_while_waiting_for_a_flight_at/
%
I just joined a support group for compulsive talkers

Its called On Anon Anon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jm9ds/i_just_joined_a_support_group_for_compulsive/
%
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because its the scenter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jm6kq/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
%
Boycott shampoo!

Demand the real poo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jm3ms/boycott_shampoo/
%
I called Suicide Helpline,they didn't help me commit suicide

They left me hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jm2w9/i_called_suicide_helplinethey_didnt_help_me/
%
How many American police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They see the room is black and they shoot it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jm1uy/how_many_american_police_officers_does_it_take_to/
%
A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house

I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jm1f0/a_burglar_stole_all_the_light_bulbs_in_my_house/
%
Two peanuts walk into a bar

One was a salted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jluhh/two_peanuts_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.

So he asked his friend Horatio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jltzf/prince_hamlet_was_having_trouble_finding_out_the/
%
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jlog1/i_have_sex_with_my_wife_almost_everyday/
%
A rapper made an album while in prison. But everyone who bought it was jailed. Why?

Because they had a criminal record.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jlnrk/a_rapper_made_an_album_while_in_prison_but/
%
Had a fake ID made.

Now i have an extra identity, Justin Case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jljct/had_a_fake_id_made/
%
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jlird/as_the_animals_left_the_ark_noah_told_them_to_go/
%
Why was the anti-vaxxer's 5 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jlhul/why_was_the_antivaxxers_5_year_old_child_crying/
%
What was Dracula’s last meal?

A stake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jlhsz/what_was_draculas_last_meal/
%
What do you call a scared noodle?

Fettuccine Afraid-o!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jlh4x/what_do_you_call_a_scared_noodle/
%
Dads are like boomerangs

... I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jldfj/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jlbse/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_playground/
%
What do you get when your feet fall asleep?

Coma-toes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jl9i6/what_do_you_get_when_your_feet_fall_asleep/
%
I just complimented someone’s mustache

and suddenly I’m not friends with her anymore. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jl6vr/i_just_complimented_someones_mustache/
%
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?” The Marine replied, “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. When’s the last time you’ve had sex?” The Marine replied, “1955 ma’am.” The young lady said, “That’s why you’re so serious. C’mon, I’ll make sure you lighten up.” She takes him to a private room and fucks his brains out. As she’s panting, she says, “You sure didn’t forget anything since 1955.” The Marine looks at his watch and says, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jl56k/an_old_marine_sergeant_major_found_himself_at_a/
%
I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer...

Don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jl49p/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_my_drug_dealer/
%
Young Johnny at school

: "Teacher! Teacher!
My dad hit hit a kangaroo up the arse with his
truck"
Teacher: "Rectum Johnny"
Johnny: "Wrecked 'im alright. Friggin annihilated
'im."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jl3jy/young_johnny_at_school/
%
what do you call it when you use milk to make protein drinks?

Milky-Whey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jl2h3/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_use_milk_to_make/
%
Knock knock

Knock Knock
Whose there?
Grandad
QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jkzaq/knock_knock/
%
Did you see a time-traveling clickbait today?

No, not yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jkw86/did_you_see_a_timetraveling_clickbait_today/
%
A new study just showed that reddit is one of the most environmentally friendly websites.

Everything they promote is recycled garbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jkoul/a_new_study_just_showed_that_reddit_is_one_of_the/
%
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jkoi0/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
%
What do you call a tiny Jewish knight?

Sir Cum-Sized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jkmhk/what_do_you_call_a_tiny_jewish_knight/
%
I have the ideal female body, "thicc" ass, huge tits and i am smart too.

Sadly i am a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jklwa/i_have_the_ideal_female_body_thicc_ass_huge_tits/
%
Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?...

I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jkjt1/do_you_think_they_can_bury_two_people_in_the_same/
%
My friend has a unique ability; he can always tell if there are lions near by.

He's got a great sense of pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jkjs8/my_friend_has_a_unique_ability_he_can_always_tell/
%
Two Leprachuans walk up to a Cathedral in Ireland (long)

The first one knocks on the door. A nun comes out and the Leprachuan asks in a thick Irish accent "sister you gotta help me. I'm in a bit of a pickle and you're the only one who can help."
The nun responds "what's it you need help with?"
The Leprachuan replies: "are there any female nun leprechauns in any parrish in Ireland?"
The nun thinks for a second and says "I don't know for sure but let me call the archdiocese and see what he knows."
She goes inside and comes out after a bit.
"He says he doesn't have any listed at any parrish or church in all of Ireland."
The Leprachuan thinks,"what about over in America?"
Nun responds "let me call over there and see"
Comes back outside a bit later. "The American archdiocese says they don't have any female nun leprechauns there either."
The Leprachuan gets nervous and asks "what about France?
The nun replies "no."
"Germany?"
"No"
"England?"
"No."
The Leprachuan lists off every country that he can think of that has a catholic presence to no avail.
He then looks at his feet all dejected.
He fellow Leprachuan then jabs him playfully in the side and says "Ha! You drunken bastard! I told you you fucked a penguin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jkjfx/two_leprachuans_walk_up_to_a_cathedral_in_ireland/
%
What happens if a frog parks illegally?

They get toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jkbqo/what_happens_if_a_frog_parks_illegally/
%
If you have sex with two other people it’s called a threesome

If you have sex with three other people it’s called a foursome.... I guess that’s why they call me handsome.  :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jk9wv/if_you_have_sex_with_two_other_people_its_called/
%
I slept like a baby.

Cried every few hours and just in need of attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jk78d/i_slept_like_a_baby/
%
Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?

Because change comes from within.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jk3jn/why_did_buddha_start_pulling_coins_out_of_his_butt/
%
A guy walks into a bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!"

The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jjyvf/a_guy_walks_into_a_bank_pulls_out_a_gun_points_it/
%
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jjyjm/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_stand_up_by_itself/
%
Ladies tell me I'm a gentleman in bed

Probably because the pleasure is all mine, everytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jjy4c/ladies_tell_me_im_a_gentleman_in_bed/
%
Humpty Dumpty is real depressed after his terrible summer

Let's hope he has a great fall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jjtuu/humpty_dumpty_is_real_depressed_after_his/
%
My sister is dating a diaper fetishist...

She doesn't like like it, but she thinks she can change him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jjp7n/my_sister_is_dating_a_diaper_fetishist/
%
I put my foot through a trampoline last week...

I’ve had a spring in my step ever since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jjo12/i_put_my_foot_through_a_trampoline_last_week/
%
There's an entire country in Africa without any sit down restaurants.

That's why they named it Togo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jjmkw/theres_an_entire_country_in_africa_without_any/
%
I got a piece of ass last night,,,

My finger broke through the toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jjlow/i_got_a_piece_of_ass_last_night/
%
You shouldn’t let your kids go to music class.

There’s too much sax and violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jjihi/you_shouldnt_let_your_kids_go_to_music_class/
%
My wife sent me a text

that said, "Your great".
So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great".
She's been walking around all happy and smiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jjehx/my_wife_sent_me_a_text/
%
Google just bought Uber.

They are going to rename the company Goober.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jja2n/google_just_bought_uber/
%
Mountains aren’t just funny...

They’re hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jj6wl/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
Man, I hate this new thesaurus I got

I can’t even find the words to describe how useless it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jj2ql/man_i_hate_this_new_thesaurus_i_got/
%
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?

Baking soda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jj283/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_cola_in_an_oven/
%
Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jj0c4/did_you_hear_about_the_author_who_got_half_the/
%
What do you get when you combine Mr Clean with a 60's surf band?

The Bleach Boys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jiyak/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_mr_clean_with_a/
%
I used to call my ex Gillette, because she was the best a man can get...

Until I realized I can get better for cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jixgj/i_used_to_call_my_ex_gillette_because_she_was_the/
%
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"

Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jiwel/teacher_use_a_sentence_that_starts_with_i/
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A woman takes her husband to see a psychiatrist... (OC) (Clean)

"Things are terrible," she begins. "Every time he opens mouth it's to insult me!"
"How do you mean?" asks the doctor.
"Well, three days ago he said I was too crabby," the woman sniffs.
"HORSESHOE!" her husband suddenly cuts in.
"And the next day, he questioned my faith in Jesus Christ, our Lord Almighty." the woman sobs.
"A JEW! A JEW!" her husband cuts in again.
"And just yesterday," the woman blubbers, "He told me he wanted me to suffer for eternity!"
"CURSE YOU! CURSE YOU! CURSE YOU!"
At this point the woman is hysterical. The doctor sighs and writes something down on his pad of paper, then gives it to the woman.
"I recommend seeing this specialist to treat your husband."
The woman looks at the paper and furrows her brow.
"But this just is the telephone number for our family's general practitioner."
"I know. Your husband has a sinus infection. It's not directed achoo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jiurq/a_woman_takes_her_husband_to_see_a_psychiatrist/
%
My car is like my phone plan.

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jisai/my_car_is_like_my_phone_plan/
%
What do male deer and the Kardashians have in common?

Every year, they get a new rack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jijil/what_do_male_deer_and_the_kardashians_have_in/
%
A man comes home from work in a bad mood

As soon as he settles down on his couch he hears a knock on the door. He begrudgingly gets up to answer the door but no one is there.
He slams it shut again and stomps back to the couch and right as he’s comfortable, he hears another knock. Furious, he opens the door only to see no one there once again. He is now absolutely livid and picks up a snail he sees on the doormat and throws it as far as he can, while cursing, and stomps back to the couch.
Several weeks go by and the man is once again on his couch when he hears a knock at the door. He goes to open it and no one is there but a snail on the doormat.
The snail looks up and says “What the fuck was that about?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jiinn/a_man_comes_home_from_work_in_a_bad_mood/
%
Most popular dog breed in New Mexico?

The Meth Lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jihvu/most_popular_dog_breed_in_new_mexico/
%
My dog

used to chase people on a bike a  lot. It got so bad that I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jigca/my_dog/
%
I recently watched a North Korean horror movie

It turned out to be a documentary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jifki/i_recently_watched_a_north_korean_horror_movie/
%
Make us happy!

There was Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton on a helicopter flying over New York, when Donald said “I will throw this 20 dollars out of the helicopter and make someone happy”, Hillary replay “I will throw this two 10 dollars bills out of the helicopter and make two people happy”, Donald with disgust on his look to Hillary yell “I will throw this four 5 dollars bills out of the helicopter and make 4 people happy”, and the pilot look back and said “Why don’t you throw each other out of the helicopter and make millions happy”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jifig/make_us_happy/
%
Out of all the narcissists in the world...

I'm definitely the best one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jie21/out_of_all_the_narcissists_in_the_world/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jiccm/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
I always suspected that my neighbors had weird traditions, and it was confirmed when I saw them donating their deceased

It was a dead giveaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jibwo/i_always_suspected_that_my_neighbors_had_weird/
%
So I hear the Chinese like spying on our mobile phones.

At least someone out there will be impressed with the size of my penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jib0u/so_i_hear_the_chinese_like_spying_on_our_mobile/
%
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.

Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ji7yy/i_got_fired_from_the_sperm_bank_yesterday/
%
I had a threesome at my house last night

There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a good time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ji6kg/i_had_a_threesome_at_my_house_last_night/
%
Is it the first line or the punchline that goes here?

In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world.
He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being a fast gun in his day.
The young gunslinger took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, how fast are you?"
The young man drew his pistol pretty quick and before anyone knew it, then shoots the hat off of the piano player's head!"
The old man looks over at the piano player and says to the young man, "Well, that wasn't bad. But you're wearing your gun too high. You should have your holster lower on your leg so you can get to your gun quicker when you draw. And son, tie the holster down on your leg."
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt Peacemaker and shot the tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the young gunslinger. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yup," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me faster?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the young gunslinger. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it. Just but the gun in it, layer it with grease! "
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-time, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a faster gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Probably not!" said the old-timer, "But when Doc Holliday gets done playing that song on the piano, that grease will make it hurt less when he shoves that gun up your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jhyz3/is_it_the_first_line_or_the_punchline_that_goes/
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I wasn’t sure whether or not I should get in the human trafficking business.

But now I’m sold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jhxl0/i_wasnt_sure_whether_or_not_i_should_get_in_the/
%
Why are gay people so much better at fashion?

Because they're very familiar with the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jhx1v/why_are_gay_people_so_much_better_at_fashion/
%
“When one door closes, another one opens.” he said.

“That’s all well and good...” I said. “But until you fix it, I’m not buying the car.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jhveo/when_one_door_closes_another_one_opens_he_said/
%
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old

I'm finally above average for something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jhucq/the_average_age_to_lose_your_virginity_is_17/
%
Donald Trump is convicted of treason

His punishment is hanging. On the day of his execution, the rope is tied around his neck as thousands watch. The floor drops, but Trump is unharmed. The noose was fake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jhtv2/donald_trump_is_convicted_of_treason/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7

Seven is a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jhqby/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
My dad is 3 years sober today!

He also died 3 years ago...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jhcg8/my_dad_is_3_years_sober_today/
%
Did you hear about the robot who specializes in circumcisions

Real cutting-edge technology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jh94t/did_you_hear_about_the_robot_who_specializes_in/
%
A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.
“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.
“Have you tried birth control?”
“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”
“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”
“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”
Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, “well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?”
“I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jh7qr/a_man_with_12_kids_visits_his_dr_asking_for/
%
My brother recently came out of the closet.

I had been raised side by side with this man for my entire life. The whole experience has really opened up my eyes and made me reevaluate my views on homosexuality. Maybe I DO hate the gays...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jh1t8/my_brother_recently_came_out_of_the_closet/
%
Babies are like the total opposite of a complicated dinner recipe

It’s more fun to make one than it is to eat one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jh0il/babies_are_like_the_total_opposite_of_a/
%
I have the best girlfriend i would not trade for anything on earth

but NASA was having this sale on moon rocks at the gift-shop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jgz23/i_have_the_best_girlfriend_i_would_not_trade_for/
%
I was just about to watch Armageddon on Netflix, when my subscription expired.

"Ah well," I thought. "It's not the end of the world."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jgu18/i_was_just_about_to_watch_armageddon_on_netflix/
%
I felt like there was something i forgot when i parked my car

Then it struck me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jgtwr/i_felt_like_there_was_something_i_forgot_when_i/
%
I tried to use the password "beefstew" for my iTunes account.

But Siri said it wasn't stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jgn5g/i_tried_to_use_the_password_beefstew_for_my/
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Jail

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jgkxc/jail/
%
The Little Crab

A fisherman was out trying to catch some fish when a tiny little crab scampered up into his boat. It was too small to take back, so he simply threw it overboard.
About ten minutes later, the same crab climbed up into his boat. The fisherman chuckled to himself and threw the crab out again.
As he was sailing home, who should climb up but the *same* crab. This time the fisherman was surprised, but he threw it back into the ocean all the same. Now that he was moving, there was certainly no way it would return.
But sure enough, almost a half hour later the crab was back. As it climbed up into the boat, the fisherman finally slumped down and stared at the crab in shock.
“Wow,” he thought. “That little guy will do anything to get up boats.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jgkug/the_little_crab/
%
The Homeless Man

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jgilg/the_homeless_man/
%
Why did the drug addict fall over?

He tripped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jgf38/why_did_the_drug_addict_fall_over/
%
Dying of dysentery...

...is a shitty way to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jgc4c/dying_of_dysentery/
%
What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jgbel/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
%
Why is it so hard to stop being a pirate?

You lose one hand and then you're hooked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jgb3b/why_is_it_so_hard_to_stop_being_a_pirate/
%
My douchebag nephew puts on loads of deodorant and I have a hard time understanding him.

He has too strong of an axe scent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jg624/my_douchebag_nephew_puts_on_loads_of_deodorant/
%
What do you call a crustacean belly?

crabdomen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jg587/what_do_you_call_a_crustacean_belly/
%
Drunk guy sitting at the bar tells the bartender...(little long but worth it)!

“Man if I go home wasted again my wife is gonna kill me!”  (About that time he throws up all over himself). “Aw man, I’m screwed now for sure!”
Bartender says “no problem buddy. Just go home, tell her somebody else threw up on you and gave you $5 to get your shirt cleaned.”
“I’ll give it a shot” says the drunk.
Goes home, bangs on door wife comes down and exclaims “what the hell happened to you?!”
“Well this drunk guy threw up on me and gave me $5 to get my shirt cleaned.”
“What’s that other $5 for?”
“Well...he shit my pants, too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jg3xa/drunk_guy_sitting_at_the_bar_tells_the/
%
"You need to stop masturbating so much!"

A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked.
"You need to stop masturbating so much," the optometrist says.
"Why?" asks the man. "Is it going to make me go blind?"
The optometrist looks around and says "no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jg1w3/you_need_to_stop_masturbating_so_much/
%
There is a group of protestors chanting about fat acceptance.

A married couple watched from a bench.
The husband told his wife, "it looks like there's fifty protestors over there!"
"I only counted ten." responded his wife.
The husband turned back to her, "I said it *looks* like fifty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jfy0t/there_is_a_group_of_protestors_chanting_about_fat/
%
Young sales man (long but worth it)

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jfpa3/young_sales_man_long_but_worth_it/
%
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for some condoms with insecticide

"I think you mean spermicidal," says the cashier.
"No", he says, "I need condoms with insecticide. My wife has a bug up her ass and I'm going in after it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jfkld/a_man_walks_into_a_pharmacy_and_asks_for_some/
%
Why are there no dogs in space?

Because dogs hate vacuums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jfibt/why_are_there_no_dogs_in_space/
%
What does a 14 ear old pregnant girl have in common with her fetus

There’re both gonna say “oh shit, my mom is going to kill me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jfi50/what_does_a_14_ear_old_pregnant_girl_have_in/
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Old McDonald

I was in a bar drinking when this huge, ugly woman came over and slapped me on my arse.
"Give me your number, sexy" she breathed into my ear.
"Do you have a pen?" I replied
"Sure" she replied, rooting around in her bag.
"Then get the fuck back to it before Old McDonald realises you're gone!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jfcd6/old_mcdonald/
%
I had sex for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jf94t/i_had_sex_for_3_hours_last_night/
%
The girl with the lisp and the big ass isn’t at work today

She must’ve called in thick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jf8x9/the_girl_with_the_lisp_and_the_big_ass_isnt_at/
%
What do you call a heritable mental disability?

Hand-me-downs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jf7yy/what_do_you_call_a_heritable_mental_disability/
%
What happens when the devil goes bald?

There'll be hell toupee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jf5dh/what_happens_when_the_devil_goes_bald/
%
Women call me ugly occasionally. But that’s only until they hear how much money I make.

Then they say I’m poor and ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jexkv/women_call_me_ugly_occasionally_but_thats_only/
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I hope death is a women

Because she will never come for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jeqpt/i_hope_death_is_a_women/
%
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

There isn't a home page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jeq1b/i_just_finished_designing_a_website_for_an/
%
A man walks into a bar with a giant orange for a head...

A man walks into a bar with a giant orange for a head. He strolls up to the barman and says “hiya mate, could I get a pint of bitter please?”. The barman looks him in the face and says “no, you absolutely cannot. I’m not serving you. You’ve got a fucking massive orange for a head!”. The man, slightly upset, negotiates with the barkeep. “How about if I TELL you how I got an orange for a head, you give me a pint?”, to which the barman, after some consideration, agrees.
The guy says “right, I was at a car boot sale last week. I’m walking around and I spot this lovely crockery set. Part of the set was what I thought was a gravy boat with a lid. It had a couple of marks on it so I picked it up to rub them off and, before you know it, this fucking genie pops out. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The genie told me I had three wishes. So, I thought about it, then I said ‘for my first wish, whenever I put my hand into my pocket, I want to pull a £20 out’.”
The barman says “...well, did it work?”. The man reached into his pocket five times, each time pulling out a £20 note. “Jesus...it did work! So, what were your other two wishes?”
The man says “well, for my second wish, I said that any girl I find attractive, I want her to find me JUST as attractive as I find her. The genie told me my wish was granted. Watch.”, at which point the man ambles his way over to a girl at the bar and, within a minute, has her phone number.
“This is incredible”, says the astounded barman, “what was your third wish?”.
The man pauses. “My third wish?...I wanted a giant fucking orange for a head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jek5c/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_giant_orange_for_a/
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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched arms to his tip toes and was rewarded $520,000 for his creativity. The last general asked to be measured from his left testicle to his right testicle. "Are you sure about that?" the other two asked incredulously. "Yea. Last I remember my right one is still in 'Nam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jejdw/the_us_military_had_too_many_commanding_officers/
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What do you call it when you get milk from an almond?

Busting a nut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jeg9b/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_milk_from_an/
%
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and starts reading the news on his Iphone.

"Wow, 'Twister kills 15 in Oklahoma!" the guy says. "They take  that game very seriously there," the bartender replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jeg3p/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_orders_a_beer_and_starts/
%
Why is North Korea so heartless?

Cause they have no Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jefd6/why_is_north_korea_so_heartless/
%
Found out I was color blind yesterday.

It came out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jeaaa/found_out_i_was_color_blind_yesterday/
%
Why doesn’t Jesus trust all of humanity?

He’s afraid someone is going to cross him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9je9fi/why_doesnt_jesus_trust_all_of_humanity/
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A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9je7uw/a_man_in_an_interrogation_room_says_im_not_saying/
%
On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to be rebellious?

11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9je353/on_a_scale_of_1_to_10_how_likely_are_you_to_be/
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Two drunk men were leaving a bar [Long]

Two drunk men were leaving a bar and decided to drive home.
After driving for a while, they noticed the head of an old man at their window. The driver checked and saw that the car waa going at 40mph and there was no way a man of such age could keep up.
Nontheless, fear striken, he rolled down the window
The flying head asked for a cigarette, and so the two men gave him one. He thanked the man and moved out of sight.
Moments later, the same old head came to the window, this time asking for a cigarette lighter.
The two men were even more shocked and scared as the car was moving at 70mph. But nontheless, they still helped the head out in fear of what fate may fall upon them if they failed to comply.
A few moments later, the old man once again came to the window. The two men, now going at 100mph, proceeded to roll down the window again, to which the old man said:
"Thanks for the cigarette and the lighter, well now that I've finished my smoke, do ya'll need some help getting ya car out of the ditch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jdybh/two_drunk_men_were_leaving_a_bar_long/
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This morning on my way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and drove into the back of a car at some traffic light.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, “I’m not happy”
So I said, “Well which one are you then?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jdwbg/this_morning_on_my_way_to_work_i_wasnt_really/
%
I forgot where i threw my boomerang.

No, wait, it's coming back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jdug3/i_forgot_where_i_threw_my_boomerang/
%
A pie in Barbados costs $3, meanwhile a pie in Haiti costs £5

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jdoa5/a_pie_in_barbados_costs_3_meanwhile_a_pie_in/
%
What do you call a blind german?

A not see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jdmhc/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
%
I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,
'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jdlmq/i_was_on_a_plane_recently_and_the_stewardess_said/
%
I don’t get the purpose of an air filter

It just sits there and collects dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jdkik/i_dont_get_the_purpose_of_an_air_filter/
%
What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jdk7u/whats_the_difference_between_an_iphone_x_and_one/
%
The Prime Minister was not happy about being woken up

What did the Prime Minister say when he was awoken early to news of an urgent matter that required his immediate attention?
“Ugh. I’m the PM, not the AM.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jdde0/the_prime_minister_was_not_happy_about_being/
%
I wish Ford installed heated bumpers.

Would keep my hands warm while I’m pushing mine to the side of the freeway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jdbfs/i_wish_ford_installed_heated_bumpers/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jdaqk/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
A Man is in an Awful Car Accident [Long]

A man is in an awful car accident - so bad, that he is literally, well, decapitated.
Thanks to the miracle of science, however, his body was no longer needed, and his head was attached to a bionic system which made him stronger, faster, and he would live longer with it.
While he was in his hospital bed, recovering, his wife came in to talk about the changes that would be coming in their relationship. The relationship was strained, due to poor finances, and the kids costing so much, but her husbands new-found love for her was enough to spark everything again.
Finally, when he made it home, he got out of the car with his new bionic body, and stood up. He walked to the door, and saw a note hanging from the door handle. He reached out with his bionic hand, more precise than any human could ever be, and read the letter.
"Dear Sir,:
You have qualified as 'the most disabled man in America' - whilst this sounds awful, it comes with great benefits.
We have decided to pay your families expenses for the remainder of your life, and we have also set up yearly all-expense-paid vacations to any country you wish, no strings attached."
He looks at his wife, visibly upset with all that remains of him.
"Are you okay honey?" she asks, looking into his eyes.
"Yeah - I just, I didn't know that I would end up a head at the end of all of this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jd821/a_man_is_in_an_awful_car_accident_long/
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I asked my fiance what date she wanted to get married. She said, "How about on 9/11?"

"Why in the world would you want to get married on 9/11?"
"So you'll never forget."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jd4rx/i_asked_my_fiance_what_date_she_wanted_to_get/
%
I had a job where I had to put shredded cheese back together

It was the most de-grating job I've ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jd3zg/i_had_a_job_where_i_had_to_put_shredded_cheese/
%
My iPhone 8 Plus is just like a newborn baby

...except I drop it a lot less

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jd3tm/my_iphone_8_plus_is_just_like_a_newborn_baby/
%
"I don't know who you are, but I will find you, and I will kill you."

And that was how I lost my job as a hostage negotiator on the first day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jd1d3/i_dont_know_who_you_are_but_i_will_find_you_and_i/
%
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At  the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out  when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a  faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually  alive.
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony  is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall  bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the fucking wall!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jd0lp/a_funeral_service_is_being_held_for_a_woman_who/
%
The chemistry is gone from our relationship.

My wife can't get anti-depressants any more and I've run out of Viagra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jd01w/the_chemistry_is_gone_from_our_relationship/
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My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”

I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcz8y/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
%
Why did the hipster burn his tongue on his coffee?

He drank it before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcxxu/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue_on_his_coffee/
%
I was sorting the sub by new.

Nothing came up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcxtl/i_was_sorting_the_sub_by_new/
%
What's the difference between a dirt bus station and lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcxn2/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirt_bus_station/
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Why does Gordon Ramsey never bet on any sports events?

Because he never likes the steakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcvyl/why_does_gordon_ramsey_never_bet_on_any_sports/
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What did the frustrated smuggler say to the Californian?

This is the LAST straw!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcur0/what_did_the_frustrated_smuggler_say_to_the/
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What does a female praying mantis ask for from a male prostitute?

Head. She always wants head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcuoz/what_does_a_female_praying_mantis_ask_for_from_a/
%
In the afterlife, what do people celebrate?

Their Urniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcuec/in_the_afterlife_what_do_people_celebrate/
%
I tried to brighten my neighborhood by planting dildos all over the boundary wall.

My neighbour is totally furious , but his wife is still on the fence .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcr4i/i_tried_to_brighten_my_neighborhood_by_planting/
%
Two fish are sitting in a tank.

One fish says to the other “Man I don’t even know how to drive this thing, do you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcqkc/two_fish_are_sitting_in_a_tank/
%
A cargo ship carrying a shipment of mannequins sunk to the ocean floor

It was one thousand legs under the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcodq/a_cargo_ship_carrying_a_shipment_of_mannequins/
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Three Aliens are discussing the fate of earth.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.
"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!"
"Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all," said the second. "The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses."
Yet a third had another idea. "We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see these them".
The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive.
This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos.
The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front were they were executed in the most horrific way.
They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and haves them in obscene ways and those were executed, the rest enslaved.
They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time.
"What's that one doing," said the first alien. "He isn't shaking his fist list the others."
"It almost looks like he's waving," said the second Alien.
"Let me see," said the third Alien. "Wow! I don't believe it."
"What?" Asked the second Alien.
"It's Dave!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcni1/three_aliens_are_discussing_the_fate_of_earth/
%
Stressed? Anxious? Unhappy?

Ask your doctor if alcoholism is right for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jckyb/stressed_anxious_unhappy/
%
I applied for a job at Google and when I got the job,

I said Yahoo and I was immediately fired﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcjy4/i_applied_for_a_job_at_google_and_when_i_got_the/
%
My wife packed her bags and headed for the front door with our son.

She said, "We're going. Because I'm sick of you objectifying me all the time!"
I said, "I'll miss you two."
She yelled, "I'm sure you'll miss him more than me!"
I said, "Him? I was referring to your tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcj5a/my_wife_packed_her_bags_and_headed_for_the_front/
%
I don’t like cocaine.

I just like the way it smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcitd/i_dont_like_cocaine/
%
I would never donate blood as that would mean my blood would be swimming in some other guy’s boner

no hemo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jchmn/i_would_never_donate_blood_as_that_would_mean_my/
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I saw an old woman on the news who's house was flooded

She was standing there, knee deep in water, crying......and I thought that's not helping
Credit: Jimmy Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jcbks/i_saw_an_old_woman_on_the_news_whos_house_was/
%
My company has a 401k program.

I was gunna join, but I figured there's no way I can run that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jc9uf/my_company_has_a_401k_program/
%
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jc8pw/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
A little boy came running up to me and said,

“Please help, my dad is in a fight.”
I followed him and came across two men fighting.
I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?”
He replied, “I don’t know, that’s what they’re fighting about.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jc6p7/a_little_boy_came_running_up_to_me_and_said/
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Donald Trump must be a very intelligent man.

I can't understand what he's saying half the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jc0r8/donald_trump_must_be_a_very_intelligent_man/
%
"So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?"

"Both , now get in the van ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jbxe3/so_is_that_a_gun_in_your_trousers_or_you_are_just/
%
I was surprised when a friend said he'll work at KFC right after graduation..

Out of curiosity, I asked him why.
All he said was, "It's on my bucket list."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jbx9e/i_was_surprised_when_a_friend_said_hell_work_at/
%
My uncle was a shit ventriloquist

He kept putting his fist up my ass and told me not to say anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jbvf9/my_uncle_was_a_shit_ventriloquist/
%
Parachute for sale

Used once. Never opened. Slightly stained.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jbss5/parachute_for_sale/
%
Guy runs into a bar

around noon on a sunny day. He barrels his way towards the bar where no one but the bartender is around and says “quick, give me ten shots of your best whiskey!” Without skipping a beat, the bartender sets him with all ten shots lined up on the bar, and the guy hits them one after the other until he has all ten down his throat. The bartender looks on astonished, and says “man, why did you pound those away so fast?” Guy says “you’d drink that quickly too if you had what I’ve got!” Bartender of course asks what does he have. Guy says “five bucks...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jbs5o/guy_runs_into_a_bar/
%
What’s the best way to overcome depression?

Love it, so it leaves you as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jbi64/whats_the_best_way_to_overcome_depression/
%
One

How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jbi11/one/
%
Why did Mario get fired from being a plumber?

He never put his caulk away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jbgu8/why_did_mario_get_fired_from_being_a_plumber/
%
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jbg6a/im_okay_with_smoking_alcohol_and_marijuana/
%
One time I saw 4 kids bullying another kid so I decided to step in

He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jbeoi/one_time_i_saw_4_kids_bullying_another_kid_so_i/
%
Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jbe49/italian_chefs_can_now_get_an_exclusive_software/
%
My next door neighbour came over and accused me of stealing her clothes!

She threatened to call the Police! I was so scared I nearly peed her pants! :'(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jb23r/my_next_door_neighbour_came_over_and_accused_me/
%
A man drives up to a prostitute

He asks her: "what would your mother think if she saw you here?"
She replies: "she'd probably kill me, this is her spot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jb07b/a_man_drives_up_to_a_prostitute/
%
My girlfriend just broke up with me for

talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jazu9/my_girlfriend_just_broke_up_with_me_for/
%
Two farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a bar enjoying some beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.
"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."
"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."
"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.
"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"
"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."
"Yes, yes I do have a house!"
"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."
"Yes, yes I do have a family!"
"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."
"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.
"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.
"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.
"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jachb/two_farmers_jim_and_bob_sitting_in_a_bar_enjoying/
%
My Grandfather warned people the Titanic would sink

No one listened.
But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9jaawf/my_grandfather_warned_people_the_titanic_would/
%
Why can’t you email a photo to a Jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ja45b/why_cant_you_email_a_photo_to_a_jedi/
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Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest

. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ja2zi/cannibals_captured_three_men_who_were_lost_in_the/
%
A trip to Rome

A woman was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Delta?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is slow and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for her regular haircut. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Delta's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j9z9o/a_trip_to_rome/
%
Put the conspiracies to rest, I’ve seen a real flying saucer before

It was not my family’s proudest thanksgiving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j9y3q/put_the_conspiracies_to_rest_ive_seen_a_real/
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion.

....and a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j9xp3/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
A robber needs to get past a security camera...

He thinks about how he could get by. The he had an idea.
He took off all his clothes and walked by.
The camera immeadiately noticed him and he was arrested.
When the cops were asking him why he did the crime one of the cops asked, “Why did you take all your clothes off before passing the camera?”
The man said, “ Well after I took off my clothes in front of my girlfriend she said she couldnt see me anymore!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j9t91/a_robber_needs_to_get_past_a_security_camera/
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What do you call a disoriented lycanthrope?

A where wolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j9qer/what_do_you_call_a_disoriented_lycanthrope/
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A black kid pulls the flour over his head.

A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, "Now what do you have to say about yourself?" The boy replies, "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j9q12/a_black_kid_pulls_the_flour_over_his_head/
%
I saw an instagram post that said “you have 15 million dollars to spend but only on things that start with the first letter of your name”

I gave my friend a look and he said “Nathan, I don’t think you can buy those anymore”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j9psv/i_saw_an_instagram_post_that_said_you_have_15/
%
I accidentally joined an organization...

I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization.
When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j9dnv/i_accidentally_joined_an_organization/
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While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans.

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash.
The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."
"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.
"I'm curious though," he said,"Where did the thirty dollars come from?"
"Oh that, " his wife replied,"Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j97zf/while_going_through_his_wifes_dresser_drawers_a/
%
I already used my wishes

Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j9528/i_already_used_my_wishes/
%
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste kinda funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j93zo/why_dont_cannibals_eat_clowns/
%
A linguistics professor was giving his class a lecture

and said “In English a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
&nbsp;
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j9245/a_linguistics_professor_was_giving_his_class_a/
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What do 85% of movies that don't hit the theaters all have in common?

Nicholas Cage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j91f3/what_do_85_of_movies_that_dont_hit_the_theaters/
%
People usually think rolling a Natural 1 is a total disaster

But apparently the real disaster is Roll20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j91ax/people_usually_think_rolling_a_natural_1_is_a/
%
A pirate walks into a bar...

And it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j90c6/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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I hate people who don’t cover their noses and mouths when they sneeze.

They make me sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8zz5/i_hate_people_who_dont_cover_their_noses_and/
%
I hear they made a movie about an illegal immigrant who beats up a child abuser.

Alien vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8yn5/i_hear_they_made_a_movie_about_an_illegal/
%
What happens when you don't make the summer Olympics?

You luge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8w0d/what_happens_when_you_dont_make_the_summer/
%
What does Osama bin Laden call his weed?

The Quran because burning it gets you stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8uhz/what_does_osama_bin_laden_call_his_weed/
%
What’s my blod type?

Typo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8swy/whats_my_blod_type/
%
Why haven't Aliens visited our Solar System?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8sdv/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system/
%
What do you call it when you and your homie help eachother both bust a nut?

Cummunism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8p95/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_and_your_homie_help/
%
On my first day working for TSA we searched a neat, sandwich shaped suitcase.

It was jam packed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8nge/on_my_first_day_working_for_tsa_we_searched_a/
%
My friend said he doesn't believe that soap works.

He said it was all a lye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8nak/my_friend_said_he_doesnt_believe_that_soap_works/
%
What does a witch use to bake cookies?

An Easy Bake Coven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8myj/what_does_a_witch_use_to_bake_cookies/
%
How to use religion to your advantage

1. Claim divine visitation of some nature
2. ???
3. Prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8kpi/how_to_use_religion_to_your_advantage/
%
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?

Because Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8f44/how_did_dairy_queen_get_pregnant/
%
If you rip a hole in a net...

She'll die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8erm/if_you_rip_a_hole_in_a_net/
%
My yo-yo business is failing, and I don’t know why!

People usually love a “no strings attached” policy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8bn7/my_yoyo_business_is_failing_and_i_dont_know_why/
%
Hitchhiker

So I picked up a hitchhiker today, pulled over and asked where he was headed and it was in the same direction I was going so I told him to hop in. Now this man had a bag and was acting kinda weird so I asked him politely what was in his bag. He turned to me and with a dead stare said “None of your fucking business.” Okay I thought this is a little odd that I was nice enough to give this man a ride and he won’t even tell me what he has on him. But whatever I’m doing my good deed for the day and bringing this man where he’s going. He continues acting strange and looking at his bag and back at me and I asked again what he had in the bag and again I get the same reply, “None of your fucking business”. Now I’m getting a little upset and I tell the man I’m nice enough to give him a ride he can at least tell me what he has in his bag and again he says “None of your fucking business”. So I pull my car over and tell him if he can’t tell me then he’s going to have to get out and before I could even finish my sentence he gets out and starts sprinting leaving behind his bag in the seat. And I would tell you what was in the bag but it’s none of your fucking business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8b16/hitchhiker/
%
The hotel

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab." He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, "What the heck, I'll give her a call." "Hello," the woman says. She sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks... We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j835b/the_hotel/
%
An Arab is lost in the desert, dying of thirst

As his eyesight begins to fade and he collapses into the ground, his fingers come across a stoppered flask in the sand. Hoping for water, he pops it open, only to see a swirl of smoke issued forth, coalescing into a giant figure.
"My deliverer!" booms the figure. "I am a long imprisoned Djinn, and as a reward for freeing me, I grant you three wishes."
"Water!" gasps the Arab, and in a flash a huge pool of crystal clear water appears before him. He drinks until sated, then falls back to consider his situation.
"Your second wish, my deliverer?" says the Djinn.
"A palace," says the Arab, "of hundreds of rooms, filled with servants and riches beyond any king." And as he wished, so it appeared beside the pool of water.
"And your third wish, my deliverer?" says the Djinn.
The Arab thinks. "Well, Djinn, with my first wish I secured my life, while my second wish secured my future, and the future of my family. With my third wish, I should like to secure the future of my people, and my country. Therefore, I wish that the country of Israel should be destroyed!"
And in a crack of thunder the palace, pool, and flask vanished, leaving the Arab alone in the sand, dying of thirst.
The moral of the story? Some genies are Jewish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j8303/an_arab_is_lost_in_the_desert_dying_of_thirst/
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What do you call a stoned Irish man?

A baked potato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j81z7/what_do_you_call_a_stoned_irish_man/
%
Do you know how to avoid reposted click-baits?

Apparently not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j7yfx/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_reposted_clickbaits/
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Everyone nowadays is talking about coming out,

i prefer coming in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j7pgu/everyone_nowadays_is_talking_about_coming_out/
%
How come if a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys

She is called a slut, but if I do that, they say I’m dreaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j7o15/how_come_if_a_girl_sleeps_with_a_bunch_of_guys/
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An atheist, a cross-fitter and a vegan walked into a bar. How do you know?

They told everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j7mpy/an_atheist_a_crossfitter_and_a_vegan_walked_into/
%
What do you call dental x-rays?

Tooth pics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j7lpo/what_do_you_call_dental_xrays/
%
What did the feline say when it couldn’t believe what was happening?

“You’ve cat to be kitten me right meow.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j7lki/what_did_the_feline_say_when_it_couldnt_believe/
%
Barnes and Noble was trying to save money, so they started hiring chickens at their checkout stands.

It started out working pretty well.  They were having a sale, and a guy brings two books up to the chicken cashier.
"Book, book! Buck buck buck!" said the chicken.  The man paid him $3.
Then a guy brings up five books.  The chicken looked a little worried, took a deep breath, and says
"Book, book, book, book, book! Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck!"  The man paid the chicken $7 and went on his way.
The next customer was buying a set of encyclopedias.  The chicken looked at the books in a real panic, took a huge breath, and said
"Aw fuck it - twenty six books'll be fifty bucks, buddy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j7a9v/barnes_and_noble_was_trying_to_save_money_so_they/
%
What's an Incel's least favourite country?

Chad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j737l/whats_an_incels_least_favourite_country/
%
I released a flock of birds at my friend's wedding, just like they asked, but now they aren't speaking to me.

How was i supposed to know ostriches weren't an acceptable choice?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j6rgr/i_released_a_flock_of_birds_at_my_friends_wedding/
%
I was filling up my car and fuel leaked onto the ground in the shape of "HA."

Guess someone knew I needed some laughing gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j6r4o/i_was_filling_up_my_car_and_fuel_leaked_onto_the/
%
What's the difference between a woman in the bath and a woman in church?

A woman in church has hope in her soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j6qhy/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_in_the_bath/
%
What do you call your family after they fall sleep?

Napkins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j6pxd/what_do_you_call_your_family_after_they_fall_sleep/
%
I'm going to tattoo a pack of cigarettes on my arm.

That way my father will actually want me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j6g84/im_going_to_tattoo_a_pack_of_cigarettes_on_my_arm/
%
I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.

It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j6fkz/i_was_reading_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome_the/
%
If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j6bcu/if_medusa_king_midas_and_oedipus_raised_a_child/
%
In town for business and called down to the front desk for a wake up call.

The next morning the phone rings, "what are you doing with your life".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j6avm/in_town_for_business_and_called_down_to_the_front/
%
Two silk worms Challenged each other in a race

It ended in a tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j679a/two_silk_worms_challenged_each_other_in_a_race/
%
Do you know what is better than AI?

a BJ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j66k4/do_you_know_what_is_better_than_ai/
%
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver?

A screwdriver turns in screws, and Bill screws interns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j5u36/whats_the_difference_between_bill_clinton_and_a/
%
Three generals were sitting on a battleship.

Three generals, one from the army, one from the navy, and one from the marines, were sitting on the deck of a battleship, having a drink after a long day of drills.  They get into a debate about which company had the braver soldiers.  So the navy captain calls to one of his cadets, “Private!!  I want you to jump overboard right now, no questions asked!”
“Sir yes sir!”
So the private runs to the side of the ship, and jumps 150 feet down into the ocean without hesitation.
The marines general, impressed, calls to one of his men “Private!! I want you to hang onto that anchor, and keep hanging on until you touch the ocean floor!”
“SIR YES SIR!”
And the private runs over, climbs down the front of the ship, and grabs the anchor.  The anchor drops, and they disappear underwater.
“I bet you will not find a braver soul on this ship!” says the marines general smugly.
The army general, not to be deterred, calls to his man “Private!! I want you to stand on that airstrip and catch that  F-18 when it lands!”
“Hell no!! Are you fucking crazy?!”
The army general, smiling, turns to the others and says “Well gentleman? That took balls.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j5p7q/three_generals_were_sitting_on_a_battleship/
%
If you think buying condoms is awkward,

Try returning them.  I haven't been laid in forever :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j5kvp/if_you_think_buying_condoms_is_awkward/
%
What does a fish use to get high?

Seaweed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j5jrg/what_does_a_fish_use_to_get_high/
%
I knew a guy with no penis.

Came out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j5iub/i_knew_a_guy_with_no_penis/
%
Did you hear about the virus that only infected children's computers?

Yeah I thought it was just a pdf-file.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j56jd/did_you_hear_about_the_virus_that_only_infected/
%
How would life be without women?

A pain in the ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j55g2/how_would_life_be_without_women/
%
A woman is out playing golf one day

She swings and her ball goes flying and hits a man, who immediately grabs his crotch and falls to the ground, writhing in agony.
The woman runs over and says "I'm a nurse, please let me help you!" and she reaches into his pants and starts massaging his penis.
The nurse asks the man "how does that feel?"
He responds "that feels great! But my thumb still hurts like hell though!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j550s/a_woman_is_out_playing_golf_one_day/
%
My girlfriend’s parents don’t like me because I’m not Christian.

I’m religious,.
They just like that son of a bitch Christian more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j534m/my_girlfriends_parents_dont_like_me_because_im/
%
Bill Cosby may have been convicted, sentenced to prison, and end up bankrupt...

But at least he'll always have a roofie over his head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j51pl/bill_cosby_may_have_been_convicted_sentenced_to/
%
Shots are like pairs of chromosomes

If you have more then 23 you are probably going to be retarded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j4s58/shots_are_like_pairs_of_chromosomes/
%
Me: Yeah I'll probably die alone

Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone?
Me: Oh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j4qp8/me_yeah_ill_probably_die_alone/
%
Upon hearing that his elderly grandfather had just passed away, Dave went to visit his 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When he asked how his grandfather died, his grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Dave told his grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, dear," replied granny, "many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She then paused to wipe a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j4qaa/upon_hearing_that_his_elderly_grandfather_had/
%
Did I ever tell you about the time I traded my German sausage for a seabird?

I took a tern for the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j4i0u/did_i_ever_tell_you_about_the_time_i_traded_my/
%
The Murder at Walmart

There was a married man who was coming to poor terms with his wife and he decided a divorce was too troublesome so he was going to have to kill her. He also decided to get a large life insurance plan that would give him $500,000 after she was killed. However he didn’t want to do it himself, so he asked his close friend if he knew of anybody who would be willing to do such a thing.
His friend pointed him to an infamous hitman named Artie. The man meets with Artie and tells him what he wants done. Artie demands $5,000 for the job. The man tells Artie he would have the money after the hit. Artie demands at least something up front, the man proceeds to open his wallet showing a single dollar bill. Artie reluctantly takes the dollar and they talk about where it will be done. After some time they decide it can be done on the wife’s next shopping trip.
Two days later, while the woman is shopping at Walmart, Artie sets up for the hit. He slides on his glove and proceeds to follow the wife to the vegetable isle. Artie takes a quick glance and seeing that nobody is around he walks up and chokes the woman. However a worker walks around and, not wanting there to be any witnesses, Artie chokes him too.
Unfortunately for Artie the whole incident was caught on camera and Artie was arrested. While talking to the police, Artie revealed the whole plot and the husband who paid him to do it. The husband was promptly arrested later that day.
The following day, the newspaper headline read:
“Artie chokes 2 for $1 at Walmart!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j4guc/the_murder_at_walmart/
%
Dear Nasa

Your mom thought I was big enough
-Pluto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j4dgw/dear_nasa/
%
My wife glared at me from across the table and said, “You weren't even listening were you!”

I couldn't help thinking "Huh. That's an odd way to start a conversation”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j4b4a/my_wife_glared_at_me_from_across_the_table_and/
%
Have you heard about the loneliest bayou in Louisiana?

BAYOU SELF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j49qc/have_you_heard_about_the_loneliest_bayou_in/
%
What do you call someone who steals lotion?

A smooth criminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j44fi/what_do_you_call_someone_who_steals_lotion/
%
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.

It runs in my jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j43yw/my_doctor_thinks_my_diarrhea_might_be_hereditary/
%
What is Michael Jackson’s preferred pronoun?

Hee-hee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j43mp/what_is_michael_jacksons_preferred_pronoun/
%
What do you call a cow that's been knighted?

Sir Loin..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j40yv/what_do_you_call_a_cow_thats_been_knighted/
%
At the dinner table one night...

...a father asked his son how his day in school went.
"Oh, it was great, Dad!  I got a part in the school play."
"Really?" said the father.  "Tell me about it."
"Well, I play the part of a man who's been married 20 years."
The father said, "That's great, son.  And if you do a good job, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j40ry/at_the_dinner_table_one_night/
%
A thief walked into a married couple's home mid-afternoon...

He tied up the woman and at knife point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.
The man started sobbing and said, “Brother, please take anything that you want, but please, untie her and set her free!”
The thief responded, “You must really love your wife!”
Man: “No! That’s my neighbours wife! Mine will be arriving shortly!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j40qa/a_thief_walked_into_a_married_couples_home/
%
What do you call the IT-department of Samsung?

The Guardians of the Galaxy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j3xk2/what_do_you_call_the_itdepartment_of_samsung/
%
Archeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j3wnz/archeologists_in_egypt_have_discovered_a_mummy/
%
Everything comes from China these days, except for babies...

They come from the vaChina

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j3psy/everything_comes_from_china_these_days_except_for/
%
Matthew mcConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio, and George Clooney got together and decided to make a movie

George Clooney said “I’ll direct”
Leonardo DiCaprio said “I’ll produce”
And Matthew McConaughey said “I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j3p6b/matthew_mcconaughey_leonardo_dicaprio_and_george/
%
What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

**boeing boeing boeing**﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j3l2h/what_sound_does_a_747_make_when_it_bounces/
%
What do you call a religious eagle?

_A bird of pray_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j3jdc/what_do_you_call_a_religious_eagle/
%
Why did Al Capone refuse to carry pennies?

Because he hates coppers, see?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j3gw9/why_did_al_capone_refuse_to_carry_pennies/
%
Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j3fxw/did_stephen_hawking_have_a_donor_card/
%
Amazeballs is millennial for "cool",

But it's also Native American for "hush puppies".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j3czi/amazeballs_is_millennial_for_cool/
%
I never understood how glass worked

But it's clear to me now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j3aeh/i_never_understood_how_glass_worked/
%
Apparently Bill Cosby is getting pudding with his first meal in prison.

He's finally receiving his just desserts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j39kf/apparently_bill_cosby_is_getting_pudding_with_his/
%
Men are like steel

They're useless when they lose their temper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j38ae/men_are_like_steel/
%
She hates when I refer to her as my ex-fiancee

She prefers to be called "my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j37nx/she_hates_when_i_refer_to_her_as_my_exfiancee/
%
I asked a Mexican about the Trump wall.

He sighed and said ," I'll get over it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j33mk/i_asked_a_mexican_about_the_trump_wall/
%
A man sees a woman crying...

He goes up to her, and asks "why are you crying?"
The woman replies "Everyone keeps saying I'm short..."
He then says "Stand up, let me see your height."
and she says "I *am* standing, idiot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j329w/a_man_sees_a_woman_crying/
%
"What is the propeller on the plane for?"

"It's to keep the pilot cool" said the flight instructor.
"I don't think so", replies the kid.
"If you take off the propeller you will see the pilot sweating"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j2yr0/what_is_the_propeller_on_the_plane_for/
%
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You can’t imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j2wwk/today_i_donated_my_watch_phone_and_500_to_a_poor/
%
Today I saw someone waving but I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or someone behind me.

I got fired from my job as a lifeguard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j2n3h/today_i_saw_someone_waving_but_i_wasnt_sure/
%
My job is top secret.

Even I don’t know what I’m doing.
*Not OC. Saw this on a T-shirt for the first time and thought it was funny. =)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j2khr/my_job_is_top_secret/
%
A girl was giving me

a hand job last night.
“You’re really good at this,” I said, “what’s your secret?”
“Years of practice,” she giggled.
“You’ve done this to loads of guys then? I asked.
“No” came the reply, “my name used to be Derek.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j2hjt/a_girl_was_giving_me/
%
Did you hear about McDonald's new burger made entirely of beef lips?

It's called the McJagger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j2hf3/did_you_hear_about_mcdonalds_new_burger_made/
%
A white man walks into a public restroom

He starts peeing in the urinal when a 7 foot tall, absolutely ripped black man walks in and starts peeing in the urinal next to him. Getting a little curious, the white man looks over and notices the black man has a tattoo on his dick that says 'Wendy'. The white man asks, "Why do you have 'Wendy' tattooed on your dick? Is that your wife or something?" The black man laughs and answers, "It doesn't say 'Wendy'. When it's erect it says 'Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day.' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j2gvi/a_white_man_walks_into_a_public_restroom/
%
There was this little guy sitting in a bar

, drinking his beer, minding  his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and  -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big  dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy  thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking  again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down  AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy  has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly  leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned.
Without  saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" --  knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little  guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a  crowbar from Home Depot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j2gpd/there_was_this_little_guy_sitting_in_a_bar/
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They told me let Jesus in , I'd feel less pain

Thats not true though  because now I'm walking around the prison yard with a sore ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j29ov/they_told_me_let_jesus_in_id_feel_less_pain/
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How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?

Username checks out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j28pk/how_do_you_know_a_redditor_has_left_a_hotel/
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How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j27mz/how_many_times_do_you_have_to_tickle_an_octopus/
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Apparently more than 5,000 hogs drowned in floods following hurricane Florence...

On the bright side the McRib should be back soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j25pd/apparently_more_than_5000_hogs_drowned_in_floods/
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Why do the Irish only allow 239 beans in each can?

Even adding just one more would make it too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j25o0/why_do_the_irish_only_allow_239_beans_in_each_can/
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What do you call a learning environment that specialises in teaching nuts?

m**acadamia**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j238a/what_do_you_call_a_learning_environment_that/
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I'd like to work in a factory that produces counter-tops

so I could get paid for being counter-productive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j233n/id_like_to_work_in_a_factory_that_produces/
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In prison, my bitches call me mitochondria.

Because I'm the powerhouse of the cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j215b/in_prison_my_bitches_call_me_mitochondria/
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1yol/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet so racist?

Because they're all not Zs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1ybf/why_are_the_first_25_letters_of_the_alphabet_so/
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There were too many suicide bombings happening in Iraq.

I think it is fair to call it abomination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1x67/there_were_too_many_suicide_bombings_happening_in/
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Me: thanks for the glass of milk

Sperm bank employee: what glass of milk
Me: the one on your desk
Sperm bank employee: oh my god!
Me: what
Sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1sy8/me_thanks_for_the_glass_of_milk/
%
Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the heck out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1qcm/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
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My grandfather died last night. They couldn't figure out his blood type in time to give him a transfusion. He was such an inspirational guy to the very end though, I'll never forget his last words to me.

"Be positive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1o9h/my_grandfather_died_last_night_they_couldnt/
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What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?

A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1n2m/what_do_you_get_when_you_insert_human_dna_into_a/
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A limbo champion walks into a bar.

He is disqualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1jvm/a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
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I'm not a great interior designer.

There's room for improvement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1jps/im_not_a_great_interior_designer/
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Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.
“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?”  He nods.
“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
“Yeah, yeah, I can’t complain.”
“And here in Russia, don’t you have job to work at?”
“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
“So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?”
“Because There I can complain!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1g1q/back_in_the_days_of_the_soviet_union_a_jewish_man/
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A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1fr2/a_good_romance_starts_with_a_foundation_of_trust/
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Why does Dr.Pepper come in a can?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1dpr/why_does_drpepper_come_in_a_can/
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Joke (Dark) The widow in mourning.

My co-worker had just lost his wife.
After he came back to work, I went to speak to him and give my condolences.
Me: Really sorry to hear about your wife
Co-worker: It's OK, I will survive. This is not the first time it has happened.
I was surprised.
Me: Sorry, I did not know. What happened to your first wife?
Co-worker: She ate poisonous mushrooms.
Me: That is horrible. Must have been terrible. How did your second wife die?
Co-worker: Fractured skull.
Me: Oh, no.
Co-worker: She would not eat the poisonous mushrooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1dkf/joke_dark_the_widow_in_mourning/
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What's the moth's favourite car?

Lamporghini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1crg/whats_the_moths_favourite_car/
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I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.

Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1bjj/i_tried_to_steal_candy_from_a_newborn_baby_but_he/
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What did the vegetables say to their kidnappers?

Lettuce go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j1958/what_did_the_vegetables_say_to_their_kidnappers/
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Dogs can be our best friends, but a cat

Will never tell your husband who the postman is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j172f/dogs_can_be_our_best_friends_but_a_cat/
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Have you heard of the restaurant in space?

Good food, no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j165k/have_you_heard_of_the_restaurant_in_space/
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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j130v/when_jane_first_met_tarzan_in_the_jungle_she_was/
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A stingy man invites a couple people fo dinner

A stingy man invites a couple people for dinner, they sit down and plates start coming in.. all plates are filled with rice and only rice..
They start eating expecting different food will come in, then the man's son comes in and asks his dad "should I bring in the chickens?" The dad says "Not yet"
As the people keep eating the rice, the boy comes in again and asks his dad "should I bring in the chickens?" The dad says "not yet"
Same thing kept happening until all the people are already full of rice, then the boy comes in and asked his dad "should I bring in the chickens?" The dad said "Yeah, bring in the chickens"
The boy opens the door and a couple chickens walk in and start eating the rice that fell on the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j11u8/a_stingy_man_invites_a_couple_people_fo_dinner/
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I have a condition where my boner spontaneously shouts insults at people

I suffer from an Erectile Diss Function.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j0yph/i_have_a_condition_where_my_boner_spontaneously/
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I was a excited to donate blood today and save some lives.

The nurse told me it’s great to see people B positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j0vtg/i_was_a_excited_to_donate_blood_today_and_save/
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God gave the woman...

God gave the woman beautiful eyebrows
She didn't like this, so she removed them and drew her own
God gave the woman pretty nails
She disliked this, so she cut them and put artificial ones
God gave the woman a pretty face
She hated it, so she put makeup on it
God gave the women an elegant figure
She was not happy with this, so she put high heels
God gave the woman exquisite breasts
She was displeased with this, so she put silicone ones.
My point is: If God was unable to satisfy the woman, why do we men even try?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j0uic/god_gave_the_woman/
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Which country has the fastest growing capital?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j0teu/which_country_has_the_fastest_growing_capital/
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Why do cab drivers expect to be tipped?

I just don't think that's fare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j0sus/why_do_cab_drivers_expect_to_be_tipped/
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A Priest runs into a Streetwalker

A priest was walking down a side street in his little town when he came across a woman of ill repute. he stopped and told her in no uncertain terms that she had chosen the wrong path. “You’re telling me, father,” she answered. “I’ve been on this street for more than an hour and you’re the first man I’ve seen.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j0rwb/a_priest_runs_into_a_streetwalker/
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What's a fat ghost's biggest fear?

Being exercised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j0rte/whats_a_fat_ghosts_biggest_fear/
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I hate being a pirate in school.

Everytime I get back my report card, it has seven seas in it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j0rir/i_hate_being_a_pirate_in_school/
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A new driver was flying down the road with his friend in the passenger seat one night

His friend says, "Hey man, slow down! You're going way too fast."
"Don't worry. My brother taught me how to drive. It's late and the roads are pretty empty."
The young man then blows through a red light without even slowing down. "What the hell?!" his friend says, "This is not cool."
"Don't worry. My brother taught me how to drive."
Shortly thereafter, they approach an intersection and the young man slams on the brakes. "The light is green! Why are you stopping, now of all times?"
"My brother likes to drive around here..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j0q6e/a_new_driver_was_flying_down_the_road_with_his/
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How did the crazy man get rich overnight?

He suddenly started making cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j0ewr/how_did_the_crazy_man_get_rich_overnight/
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Why did the Sodium get arrested when he tried to bond with Chlorine?

It was a salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j0da8/why_did_the_sodium_get_arrested_when_he_tried_to/
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A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer

. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road."
The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.
The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price.
The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree.
The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale.
"Oh no," the farmer thought, "he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!" As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.
"No, no, I'm okay I guess," gasped the naked man. "I have no choice, do I?
I have to pay you double for the farm... but doesn't that calf have a mother?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9j05iz/a_farmer_had_advertised_his_farm_and_was_showing/
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What happens when a female pig is sad...

She Kermits suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9izyuv/what_happens_when_a_female_pig_is_sad/
%
A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added...
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iznlf/a_mother_was_in_the_kitchen_listening_to_her_five/
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If my wife finds out that im still lurking on reddit instead of doing the dishes,

She’ll bang my head to the keybrkkakdibnsnshshhebbshshshbshshegbaldhhs rhsjaihswhwhwjwhahhsehhehwhahahehhehahjaheheuja

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9izmgp/if_my_wife_finds_out_that_im_still_lurking_on/
%
One time, two blondes were walking through the forest

...and they came across some tracks.
The first blonde pointed and said, "Oh, look!  Rabbit tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No dummy, those are deer tracks!"
They were both still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9izki9/one_time_two_blondes_were_walking_through_the/
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The upside to your parachute not working

You have the rest of your life to fix it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9izj90/the_upside_to_your_parachute_not_working/
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This is my step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9izcmg/this_is_my_step_ladder/
%
Atheism

It's a non prophet organisation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9izc1j/atheism/
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i like my news like I like my woman

related to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9izbct/i_like_my_news_like_i_like_my_woman/
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You know whats shitty about constipation?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9izal8/you_know_whats_shitty_about_constipation/
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Which side of a chicken has the least feathers?

The inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9izaky/which_side_of_a_chicken_has_the_least_feathers/
%
Two windmills are on a date...

...one asks the other, “what kind of music are you into?” The other replies “I'm a big metal fan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iz9na/two_windmills_are_on_a_date/
%
I make a lot of jokes about banging my mom, and sometimes I fear she's gonna over-hear some of my jokes, and things would get extremely weird.

But then I think to myself - honestly - what's the worst she can do, hold off sex?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iz9i3/i_make_a_lot_of_jokes_about_banging_my_mom_and/
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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.
One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invited me to a "party" at her home, which was really a recruiting event to try to rope friends and family into signing up to be her downstream "Independent Businesses Owners." I wouldn't touch that pyramid scheme shit with a ten foot pole, but hey! Enough free samples of cake and muffins and stuff to last me a week? I'll go to your party, Amanda!
It actually went a lot better than I thought. I was expecting chocolate chip cookies, but Amanda was showing off the business's new Global Flavor line of products. Some of them I was familiar with like Italian pannettone, German stollen, and Mexican pan dulces. But I also got to try a lot of things I had never eaten before, like that Japanese melon bread that I had seen in squishies and keychains, but never in real life!
I endured the sales pitch (barely) and enjoyed the free samples (thoughly), but there was this one chick in a big black coat who was having the opposite experience. She was on the edge of her seat for the PowerPoint about "unlimited earnings potential." But when it came time to eat anything more exotic than Wonder Bread she was clearly out of her comfort zone.
She would go up to one plate, look it over, smell it suspiciously, read the little Culture Card. And then squirm around in her coat and whisper to herself through her teeth, before ultimately rejecting every dish.
To her credit, Amanda was a really good hostess. She and went out of her way to try and make Coat Lady feel welcome and include her in everything with the other women. The hostess tried to offer her various popular breads, but Coat Lady was not going for it.
"You don't got anything regular American?" Coat Lady kept asking. "Like for sandwiches and burgers?"
Amanda tried to explain that she didn't have any tonight, but Coat Lady was hungry now so she kept trying.  "Why don't you try this one from India? It's just like garlic bread, but flat!"
"No! Don't you just got those little rolls like they serve at [bland buffet restaurant]?"
"Just taste it, you might like it! You never know until you try!"
At this point, Amanda held out the India plate but Coat Lady knocked it away and turned to run. Amanda reached out reflexively to grab her but just caught her coat. The lady jerked away and the coat ripped off...
...to reveal the *biggest fucking snake* I have ever seen in my life! It was alive and wriggling, and she had it wrapped all around her neck and body like a nightmare infinity scarf.
Mortified, the lady stared back at everyone like a deer in the headlights. Until the snake reared up and hissed something in her ear. She nodded compliantly to the snake, and turned on the hostess, shrieking:
"MY ANACONDA DON'T WANT NAAN UNLESS YOU GOT BUNS, HUN!!!"
(Thaks for reading, it probably wasn't worth it!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iz8lw/oc_long_theres_a_new_mlm_scheme_going_around/
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If Bill Cosby is America's dad...

Does that make him Canada's creepy uncle?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iz7tv/if_bill_cosby_is_americas_dad/
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Just asked Siri....

"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iz1pz/just_asked_siri/
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A bear walks into a bar. The bar tender asks...."what are you having?". The bear replies " ill have a gin.........and tonic"

Bartender "what's with the pause?"
Bear "I don't know, I've had them my whole life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iyxy2/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_the_bar_tender_askswhat/
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Did you hear about that shady massage parlor run by bears?

Yeah, turns out it was just a front for honey laundering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iyskc/did_you_hear_about_that_shady_massage_parlor_run/
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Man sees a plastic surgeon

Unimpressed with his size, he’s looking for a penis transplanted onto him
Dr Says:
-we don’t have such organ available but we have an elephant trunk available from a biologist, we can do an experimental surgery at no cost.
Guy says yes, and they go on with the surgery.
Dr informs him that he has to retain it for two weeks, after that he needs to come back for a checkup.
Two weeks later the visually upset guy comes in holding his crotch with two hands.
The Dr asks him why he’s still retaining it.
The guy says:
Every time I let go, it grabs something and shoves it up my a$$!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iysg5/man_sees_a_plastic_surgeon/
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There are some issues with the top floor of my house...

It's problem-attic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iyr3l/there_are_some_issues_with_the_top_floor_of_my/
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My dad got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday

Apparently he wasn’t putting enough shifts in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iyqje/my_dad_got_fired_from_the_keyboard_factory/
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What’s the difference between a man and a woman?

Well, there’s a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iypv5/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_and_a_woman/
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A man tells a priest: "I have a strong desire to live forever. What should I do?"

"Get married", replies the priest.
"Really? Will that make me live forever?", the man asks.
"No", replies the priest. "But it will remove the desire".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iyo95/a_man_tells_a_priest_i_have_a_strong_desire_to/
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I was really thirsty so I reached for the Hawaiian Sun to drink

Unfortunately, it was empty. Someone else had beat me to the punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iyi9m/i_was_really_thirsty_so_i_reached_for_the/
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My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night...

She nearly took my fucking eye out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iyi8c/my_deaf_girlfriend_was_talking_in_her_sleep_last/
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I went to a porn star reunion yesterday.

It was nice to come across old faces again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iyhym/i_went_to_a_porn_star_reunion_yesterday/
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Did you hear about the sitcom about a terrorist?

It was cancelled after he shot the pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iyfyd/did_you_hear_about_the_sitcom_about_a_terrorist/
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My wife told me that I should stop turning everything into sexual innuendos and grow up...

I told her that's actually something I can get behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iyfr1/my_wife_told_me_that_i_should_stop_turning/
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How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iyfcx/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.

It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iycfc/i_dig_you_dig_we_dig_he_dig_she_dig_they_dig/
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How did the lumberjack know his lumber delivery was incomplete?

He kept a log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iybiw/how_did_the_lumberjack_know_his_lumber_delivery/
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A man and a priest are sitting next to each other at a bar.

A waitress walks up to the man and say,
"can I get you anything to drink".  The man replies,
"I've had a long week, my wife's been screaming at me for days and need a pick me up, give me the strongest thing you've got".
Then the waitress turns to the priest and asks him the same thing.  Horrified at the concept of consuming alcohol, the priest says,
"I would rather commit adultery than drink a single drop of booze!!!"
Hearing this, the man turns back around and says, "Excuse me miss, I didn't know we had a choice".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iy4zi/a_man_and_a_priest_are_sitting_next_to_each_other/
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Original Joke. Be Kind.

A Television crew had set up at a kindergarten to do a story on literacy week for the local news. The Teacher selected Little Johnny to be interviewed as he was the brightest lad at the kindy.
The camera starts rolling and the interviewer begins to ask Johnny some questions -
"How old are you Johnny?", he asks.
"I'm four years old", says Johnny holding up four fingers showing that he can at least count to that.
"And can you read yet?", continues the Interviewer.
"Not yet....but I know all my alphabet", little Johnny replies.
"Ok let's hear that then", says the Interviewer.
Johnny takes a second to compose himself then begins " A...B....C...", hesitantly at first then with more confidence continues-"D...E...G...H...I....J..." - but before he can finish the INterviewer interrupts him and asks "Wait you missed a letter!"
Johnny replies"Well my mum said you shouldn't say F on TV".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iy4tp/original_joke_be_kind/
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The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild,

Except for the seldom seen penfish which is said to be even mightier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iy32r/the_swordfish_has_few_predators_to_worry_about_in/
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I only smoke when I drink

Doctor: "Do you smoke?"
Me: "Only when I drink."
Doctor: "Well, how much do you drink?"
Me: "About two packs a day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iy17p/i_only_smoke_when_i_drink/
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Two old men were discussing a new hearing aid...

Merle:  Boy I tell ya!  This new hearing aid is a miracle. Haven’t heard this good in 30’years!
Herm:  that’s great!  What kind is it?
Merle:  10:30

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ixycw/two_old_men_were_discussing_a_new_hearing_aid/
%
Did you hear about the new "Exorcist" sequel?

It's about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ixwcl/did_you_hear_about_the_new_exorcist_sequel/
%
Whats green and smells like bacon?

Kermit's fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ixprq/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
%
What's Forrest Gump's password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ixpn8/whats_forrest_gumps_password/
%
According to 'The Hobbit', Gollum was once a normal man.

The biggest mistake he made was putting on that ring, which drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy.
I got one of those when I was married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ixmhh/according_to_the_hobbit_gollum_was_once_a_normal/
%
I got booted off the plane today and put on the no-fly list.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ixj6q/i_got_booted_off_the_plane_today_and_put_on_the/
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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breathalyzer test and it read 0.00.
Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ixhx4/one_night_at_a_local_bar_frequented_by_a_bunch_of/
%
Who built King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ixfx8/who_built_king_arthurs_round_table/
%
A mother is breastfeeding her baby on a plane

The captain comes on and says "we're ready for takeoff." The mother wraps her child and herself up.  The plane takes off and the mother opens up and begins to breastfeed her child again.  Her seatmate turns to her and says "You must have a hungry child."  The mother answers  "No, I just feed him to stop his ears from popping as we climb in altitude."  The seatmate thinks about that for a moment then replies "And here I've been chewing gum all this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ixf6a/a_mother_is_breastfeeding_her_baby_on_a_plane/
%
In honour of his 50th birthday today - how do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Just follow the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ixcuw/in_honour_of_his_50th_birthday_today_how_do_you/
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The multiple times I talk to God it's called praying

But the one time God talks back to me I'm labeled as a schizophrenic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ix1q1/the_multiple_times_i_talk_to_god_its_called/
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My therapist asked me what I think the world will be like in 2020...

I told her I don’t know, my vision isn’t perfect!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ix1hf/my_therapist_asked_me_what_i_think_the_world_will/
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Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iwylx/did_you_hear_about_mcdonalds_trying_to_get_into/
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Why does Santa have such a giant sack?

It's because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iwn2x/why_does_santa_have_such_a_giant_sack/
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How does somebody you don't know get into your house?

Intruder window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iwdm9/how_does_somebody_you_dont_know_get_into_your/
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My dog sat watching the orchestra play...

My dog sat watching the orchestra play, he was staring at the conductor and I could see what he was thinking ...   for f\*\*\*s sake ..Just throw the f\*\*\*ng thing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iwbo9/my_dog_sat_watching_the_orchestra_play/
%
Had sex with 50cent and his brother.

Good bang for a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iwbiy/had_sex_with_50cent_and_his_brother/
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A study has shown 90% of women aren’t interested in men that wear pink shirts.

Ironically, 90% of men that wear pink shirts aren’t interested in women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iwavi/a_study_has_shown_90_of_women_arent_interested_in/
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"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"

The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iw8e7/dad_was_i_adopted_as_a_child/
%
What do you call an Alaskan prostitute?

A snowblower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iw64i/what_do_you_call_an_alaskan_prostitute/
%
Did you ever hear about the man who set pastries on fire?

He was a self proclaimed pie-ro-maniac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iw4ug/did_you_ever_hear_about_the_man_who_set_pastries/
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You'll never guess who I bumped into at the opticians yesterday.....

.... Everybody!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ivzca/youll_never_guess_who_i_bumped_into_at_the/
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They say that men who have anal sex more often are happier

But from what I've noticed they're still fucking assholes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ivxfv/they_say_that_men_who_have_anal_sex_more_often/
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Three Guys In Hell

There were three guys in Hell an Iranian, American, and a Chinese man. They asked Satan to let them call their family. The American called and talked for 10 minutes. He payed $1,000. The Chinaman called and talked for 15 minutes. He payed $2,000. The Iranian talked for an hour and only paid $10. The other men complained and Satan responded, "A call from Hell to Hell is local."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ivuqe/three_guys_in_hell/
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She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”

Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ivpmx/she_texted_me_your_adorable_i_responded_saying_no/
%
What do you call a hoe with no legs?

An incomplete thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ivpl1/what_do_you_call_a_hoe_with_no_legs/
%
How south is South Africa?

South AF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ivm5s/how_south_is_south_africa/
%
Did you hear about the man who gives birds blowjobs

.....he isn't gay, but he'd suck a cockatoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ivlhu/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_gives_birds/
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Off to work.

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ivd9z/off_to_work/
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A Pig Named Ink

"Why did you name your pig Ink?"
"Because it kept running out of the pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ivb2b/a_pig_named_ink/
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What's the difference between a baby hippo and a small zippo?

One is a little heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ivac0/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_hippo_and_a/
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I heard my friend’s say there is a gay guy in our group of friends

I really hope it’s Steve, he’s cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iv8c9/i_heard_my_friends_say_there_is_a_gay_guy_in_our/
%
Trump walks into the UN General Assembly

Everyone laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iv4bp/trump_walks_into_the_un_general_assembly/
%
What do Telltale Games & the U.S. have in common?

The illusion of choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iv26p/what_do_telltale_games_the_us_have_in_common/
%
A man just assaulted me with milk and cheese

How dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iv1sn/a_man_just_assaulted_me_with_milk_and_cheese/
%
I hear The Rock gave up drinking

He was tired of pouring money down the Dwayne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iv0s5/i_hear_the_rock_gave_up_drinking/
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My fat girlfriend demanded that for her birthday I get her something in the driveway that goes 0-200 in 5 seconds.

Apparently a scale wasn't what she was thinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iuzfm/my_fat_girlfriend_demanded_that_for_her_birthday/
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My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iuxu0/my_friends_girlfriend_is_pregnant_and_he_is/
%
I don’t tell satellite jokes.

They’re always over your head and they never land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iuw5d/i_dont_tell_satellite_jokes/
%
The Washington Redskins finally decided to drop their offensive name.

Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Redskins." It was reported that he finds the word "Washington" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iurwt/the_washington_redskins_finally_decided_to_drop/
%
Guess who I bumped into at Specsavers today?

Everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iuqzw/guess_who_i_bumped_into_at_specsavers_today/
%
Stop saying no to drugs

You talking to inanimate objects is the reason why your doctor prescribed them to you in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iuqac/stop_saying_no_to_drugs/
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Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?

I'm pretty sure he has Asp burgers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iul9w/have_you_heard_about_that_socially_awkward_chef/
%
A man asks to speak at a funeral

"Excuse me, can I say a word?"
The mother of the deceased person replied, "yes, of course."
"Plethora."
"Thanks, that means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iuiew/a_man_asks_to_speak_at_a_funeral/
%
I was caught masturbating in the library over the small print of laws and local regulations....

.....I got off on a technicality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iu6p0/i_was_caught_masturbating_in_the_library_over_the/
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One Monday morning...

One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out the front door, stepping around empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!” the postman says.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies — “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.”
“We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?”
“Is that a game?” the postman asks, all curious. “How do you play that?”
Bob replies — “Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet.”
“Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The postman laughs and says — “Damn, I’m sorry I missed all that fun.”
“Well, that’s why I came out to talk to you,” Bob says. “You better lie low for a few days, since your name came up seven times and many of the guys are looking for you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iu690/one_monday_morning/
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What’s the hardest part about having Alzheimer's?

What’s the hardest part about having Alzheimer’s?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iu4f6/whats_the_hardest_part_about_having_alzheimers/
%
What did the buffalo say when her kid left to college?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iu1wc/what_did_the_buffalo_say_when_her_kid_left_to/
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What did Oxygen say when he realized he is losing an argument with Hydrogen?

“OH”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iu0e3/what_did_oxygen_say_when_he_realized_he_is_losing/
%
I stopped using my Bayblades

I guess I.... let them RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9itz07/i_stopped_using_my_bayblades/
%
What do you call a Muslim guy who won’t date fat chicks?

Shallow Halal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9itrq3/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_guy_who_wont_date_fat/
%
A little girl is eating her vegetables

Suddenly one of the pea pods came to life and began pleading for its life, "No giant! Please spare me and I will take you to my kingdom where my queen will reward you with much more than my life!"
With nothing better to do, the girl accepts the offer and follows the talking pea to his kingdom. After a short 20 minute journey they arrive to their destination and the girl is left stunned. The size of the kingdom was humongous and complex, much more than she had previously thought it would be. The town was bulging with the life of the pea pod towns folk. The girl was left blown away with her jaw dropping, as she had finally seen her first pea nest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9itpfs/a_little_girl_is_eating_her_vegetables/
%
Why can't you fart at an Apple's store?

Because they don't have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9itp0z/why_cant_you_fart_at_an_apples_store/
%
My wife is so caring, she's always thinking of others

Like last night in bed, for example

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9itgpz/my_wife_is_so_caring_shes_always_thinking_of/
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[Possibly OC] What do you get when you cross a bird with a vegetable?

Asparrowgus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9itf7a/possibly_oc_what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_bird/
%
Ever hear about the girl who was sexually into birds?

She sucked a cockatoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ite0q/ever_hear_about_the_girl_who_was_sexually_into/
%
I bought a coin press last week,

...but the manual is in another language. I hope it still makes cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9itd69/i_bought_a_coin_press_last_week/
%
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid and screamed “what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9it6ph/my_girlfriends_dog_died_so_to_cheer_her_up_i_got/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Glurghbrglubghhg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9it3lc/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
What do you call a group of EMO's?

A suicide squad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9it2qs/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_emos/
%
Genie: U have 3 wishes

Me: I wanna be an Idiot
Genie: U got 3 wishes left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9it28q/genie_u_have_3_wishes/
%
I was walking my dogs when a stranger approached me.

"Are they Jack Russell's?"
"Nah mate, they're mine" I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9it0cz/i_was_walking_my_dogs_when_a_stranger_approached/
%
A clown, rapist and a president walk into a bar….

He orders a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9isy9r/a_clown_rapist_and_a_president_walk_into_a_bar/
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Mr. Janus and Mr. Rodick are co-workers.

They had both decided to go to the bar after work. At the bar, they meet another guy named Bob. Bob goes up to Mr. Janus and asks, "What's your name?"
"You can call me Mr. Janus."
Then Bob says, "I'd prefer to use a first-name basis, it's more casual. What's your first name"
By this point Mr. Janus is sweating like crazy, he doesn't answer, but then his buddy Mr. Rodick interupts, "It's Hugh, Hugh Janus!"
Both Bob and Mr. Rodick are now laughing like crazy, Hugh is really upset, so he stares Mr. Rodick in the eye and says, "Shut up Mike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9isxg8/mr_janus_and_mr_rodick_are_coworkers/
%
I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, “I love my job, I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

Then I said, “Turn Left”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9isxer/i_was_in_a_cab_today_and_the_cab_driver_said_i/
%
Caught my wife going through the neighbour's bins.

She's not nosy. Just shit at parking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ist9i/caught_my_wife_going_through_the_neighbours_bins/
%
A home DNA test kit

does not make a good baby shower gift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9isqjz/a_home_dna_test_kit/
%
First rule of Fast Food management:

Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ispyp/first_rule_of_fast_food_management/
%
Worried about overcooking your onion?

Don’t sweat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9isktk/worried_about_overcooking_your_onion/
%
If a plane tries to land but can't deploy its wheels, what sound does it make when it bounces off the ground?

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iskiz/if_a_plane_tries_to_land_but_cant_deploy_its/
%
Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?

"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"
"So you can all be really sad when I die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9isj3q/grandpa_why_dont_you_have_any_life_insurance/
%
One day, Einstein has to attend a really important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9isfc0/one_day_einstein_has_to_attend_a_really_important/
%
What do politicians and diapers have in common

Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?
\- A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9isaz7/what_do_politicians_and_diapers_have_in_common/
%
Good news I am no longer a 18 year old virgin

I am a 19 year old virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9is9wj/good_news_i_am_no_longer_a_18_year_old_virgin/
%
What do you call a wizard who enjoys eating people?

A Vorelock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9is92u/what_do_you_call_a_wizard_who_enjoys_eating_people/
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Truly original chemistry jokes no longer exist.

They argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9is8nn/truly_original_chemistry_jokes_no_longer_exist/
%
A duck and a beautiful woman

are sitting on a hotel room bed when the duck realizes he has no condom not wanting to take any chances he calls room service. Room service arrives he asks "Do you want me to put this on your bill?" "No what do you think I am some kind of pervert?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9is78t/a_duck_and_a_beautiful_woman/
%
Yes...First Computer was from Apple

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9is6pw/yesfirst_computer_was_from_apple/
%
Astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours...

So they decided to call it a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9is5ue/astronomers_got_tired_after_watching_the_moon_go/
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What do you call a nun that becomes a lawyer? [Not OC]

A sister in law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9is5ef/what_do_you_call_a_nun_that_becomes_a_lawyer_not/
%
Velcro

What a rip-off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9is3p5/velcro/
%
Saw a doctor the other day and he walked into the room eating an apple

Thought to myself “Fuck, this guy is fucking unstoppable”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9is3hn/saw_a_doctor_the_other_day_and_he_walked_into_the/
%
I am no longer an 18 year old virgin!

I am a 19 year old virgin now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9is39u/i_am_no_longer_an_18_year_old_virgin/
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One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
“Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9is34t/one_day_stalin_decides_to_go_to_the_cinema_in/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9is2n0/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
I was dating a girl one time who confide in me that she liked Spanish men.

I immediately broke up with her because she was a pedrophile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irxsm/i_was_dating_a_girl_one_time_who_confide_in_me/
%
[Possible OC] My dad just gave the birds and the bees speech to my 14 year old brother

I asked him, why didn’t I get the speech when I was fourteen?
At this point I was sixteen and still haven’t gotten it.
He said, “You have natural protection.”
I said, “How so?”
He said, “Have you looked in a mirror recently?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irxfh/possible_oc_my_dad_just_gave_the_birds_and_the/
%
A man was being interviewed for a job in CIA

Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer Instinct. So, do you think you are eligible?
Man: Sir...  Can my wife apply?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irwn3/a_man_was_being_interviewed_for_a_job_in_cia/
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed

How could anyone stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irvbd/i_was_reading_in_the_paper_today_about_this_dwarf/
%
Some lifeguard kicked me out of the pool for peeing in it. I told him everyone does it.

He told me not off the diving board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irrxg/some_lifeguard_kicked_me_out_of_the_pool_for/
%
My French mate doesn't believe that eggs are ovoid...

...he's a member of the flat oeuf society

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irpj7/my_french_mate_doesnt_believe_that_eggs_are_ovoid/
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70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iroy9/70_of_dishes_are_underseasoned_according_to_a/
%
Telltale Games will shut down...

*Fans will remember that*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iro8s/telltale_games_will_shut_down/
%
What's the difference between a glue, a piano and tuna?

You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irmug/whats_the_difference_between_a_glue_a_piano_and/
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What does Dracula's torch run on?

*Bat-teries* now give me my five karma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irkco/what_does_draculas_torch_run_on/
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How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One will see you later, and the other one will see you after a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irk5j/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_an/
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I've just spotted a man

..standing on the corner of my street looking through two toilet rolls.
I have absolutely no idea what he's up to.
If only these binoculars were real.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irju3/ive_just_spotted_a_man/
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Always be careful when renovating bathrooms

It’s all going well until the bank calls you talking about how urine debt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iriur/always_be_careful_when_renovating_bathrooms/
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A guy with an unfortunate last name...(long format)

Joins the army. His last name has the odd distinction of having two z's at the start of it and since everything in the military is done alphabetically hes always the last guy in line.
One day their sergeant gets the entire company together for training:
"Alright! We're gonna have you all use dummy weapons and go out onto this course behind me, the objective is to be the last soldier standing!"
The company is then instructed to get into a line (alphabetically by last name) and proceed to three separate trucks to get their weapons. Naturally our hero is the last one to get gear and when he gets up there the sergeant shakes his head and says:
"Sorry son, we dont have enough rifles for all of you, so we've notified the rest of the company that when you walk up and yell 'bang bang bang!', they all know to drop like they've been hit."
Our hero shrugs and moves on. Same thing happens with grenades and knives; and he receives instructions similar to the first, 'boom boom boom' and 'knife knife knife' respectively. Now each time hes told to imitate shooting a rifle, throwing a grenade, and slashing knife along with the sounds.
He enters the field and takes out the first guy with his 'rifle', yelling 'bang bang bang!'. Sure enough the trooper falls. Next is the grenade, that works too. So does the knife, soon hes on his way to being the last one standing.
Eventually he finds a hill with a single soldier standing on it. He pretends to shoot him with the tried and true 'bang bang bang', but nothing happens. He tries the grenade, nothing. So he runs up and yells 'knife knife knife' and slashes at the guy.
The trooper turns, knocks our hero down and stomps over him before turning back and saying with a grin:
"Tank tank tank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irfpi/a_guy_with_an_unfortunate_last_namelong_format/
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Fat chicks shouldn't brag about having big boobs.

Because it's like having a car that's fast because it's falling off a cliff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irer0/fat_chicks_shouldnt_brag_about_having_big_boobs/
%
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irdsu/whats_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a/
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If Mexico sends their rapists to the United States, where does the United States send theirs?

To the Supreme Court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irdi3/if_mexico_sends_their_rapists_to_the_united/
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I'm pretty convinced that tall girls are secretly witches

Every time I try to work up the courage to talk to one, I get turned into a chicken ☠️

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ircj8/im_pretty_convinced_that_tall_girls_are_secretly/
%
Julius Caesar: ”Brutus, that’s a very nice dagger, is it new?”

Brutus: “Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe’s.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irbrk/julius_caesar_brutus_thats_a_very_nice_dagger_is/
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My mate accused me of cheating at Jenga

So I knocked his block off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9irahi/my_mate_accused_me_of_cheating_at_jenga/
%
My religious girlfriend is obsessed with cats.

She's a Catholic catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ira3c/my_religious_girlfriend_is_obsessed_with_cats/
%
Nigerian

Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day.
Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ir9rr/nigerian/
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Television for sale

On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” - I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ir934/television_for_sale/
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Any advice on correcting plastic surgery that has gone wrong?

I’m all ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ir8fg/any_advice_on_correcting_plastic_surgery_that_has/
%
What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ir6ig/what_is_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
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I have lots of respect for sex workers

I always give them a big tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ir617/i_have_lots_of_respect_for_sex_workers/
%
I ran into an old friend the other evening.

Should have had the headlights fixed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ir53j/i_ran_into_an_old_friend_the_other_evening/
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A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.

“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims.
“Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”
“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says.
“Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”
“Oh, that’s nothing” The 90 year old says.
“I have it the worst!”
“Can you pee?” The first man asks.
“Certainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.”
“Can you poop?” The second man asks.
“Yes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.”
“Then I don’t understand what the problem is!” The first man says.
“Well, I wake up at 9!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ir3f4/a_70_year_old_80_year_old_and_90_year_old_men_in/
%
Where's the safest place to hide if a war breaks out?

Inside a public trashcan. They are impossible to hit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iqyvm/wheres_the_safest_place_to_hide_if_a_war_breaks/
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Shrimp

: Hey, Fish! Was thinking, you don't have any clever self defence capabilities do ya?
Fish: Well yeah, I can swim really fast! Like an arrow, and poof I'm gone!
Shrimp: Oh ya.. right... well I swim really slowly.. and backwards so I can't really see where I'm going either... hmmm.
Shrimp: Hey  Tortoise ! You don't have any clever self defence capabilities do ya?
Tortoise : Duh dude, I got a really hard shell. Keeps me safe...
Shrimp: Oh ya right... well my shell is kinda soft and has convenient flaps so it's easy to peel off... damnit..
Shrimp: Hey Dog! What's your defence?
Dog: Well I can run fast, I can bark and scare them off and I can also bite. Also I am very cute, fuzzy and likable.
Shrimp: I can't make noices and I can't bite anything really.. Also I'm a googley eyed slimy thing with way too many legs and most creatures enjoy eating me.
Shrimp was getting a bit depressed at this point.
Shrimp: Hey Skunk! You can't possibly have any self defence abilities? Like, come on!
Skunk: Yeah I do, I can just spray them with this nasty smell. It's smells horrible!
Shrimp: AHA! So do I the next day when they forget to empty the bin after they throw most of me away!
Shrimp was not happy with his conclusion but chose to accept it. Atleast his death would reek of vengeance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iqy15/shrimp/
%
How do you discipline your rock?

You hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iqssw/how_do_you_discipline_your_rock/
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My girlfriend told me to kiss her where it stinks.....

So I drove her to New Jersey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iqq2b/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_kiss_her_where_it_stinks/
%
a friend of mine set up a boat building company in his attic.

the sails were through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iqoez/a_friend_of_mine_set_up_a_boat_building_company/
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The executioner asked, "Any last words?"

The criminal replied, "I just want one more clickbait article".
Executioner: "What happens next will shock you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iqmwg/the_executioner_asked_any_last_words/
%
Arrested at the airport

I’m  a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model
When i landed in New York the TSA asked me “are you here for business or pleasure”
I responded “I’m here for the new 911”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iqlv5/arrested_at_the_airport/
%
A dog went to the telegram office one day. He took out a blank form and wrote on it..

"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
Then he handed it to the clerk.
The clerk examined the paper and said to the dog, "You know there are only nine words here? You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iql88/a_dog_went_to_the_telegram_office_one_day_he_took/
%
A cryogenically frozen man is woken up in the future...

He is greeted by a beautiful nurse.
Nurse: Congratulations, sir, it's the year 2318. I have some good news and some bad news, though.
Man: Please tell me.
Nurse: Well, we had only last year perfected the technology to wake frozen individuals such as yourself with just one side-effect and decided to test it on you, our very first subject.
Man: What side-effect?
Nurse: We can't ever freeze you a second time.
Man: And the bad news?
Nurse: We still haven't been able to cure the disease that killed you the first time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iqgh5/a_cryogenically_frozen_man_is_woken_up_in_the/
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I was really disappointed when I came last in the astronomy competition, but they still gave me a map of the stars just for participating.

It was a constellation prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iqfti/i_was_really_disappointed_when_i_came_last_in_the/
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What do you call the passage that leads to Indian guys' apartment?

A currydoor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iqajp/what_do_you_call_the_passage_that_leads_to_indian/
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Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser

. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks!!"
To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!
They all looked at each other for a moment.
Then the first gal says, "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iq8tp/three_women_had_a_very_late_night_drinking/
%
I have a few Aces up my sleeve.

In fact, I have them in Spades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iq0hq/i_have_a_few_aces_up_my_sleeve/
%
Why did F and H not convert to Islam?

Because Jihad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iq040/why_did_f_and_h_not_convert_to_islam/
%
A man is out and buys a hooker.

While going down on her, he notices a piece of carrot. He removes it then goes about his business. He then finds a pea.
He holds it up and asks, "Miss? Are you sick or something?"
To which her response was, "No. But the last guy was."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ipxdu/a_man_is_out_and_buys_a_hooker/
%
Why do stores sell more gifts during Valentine’s Day compared to Mother’s Day?

Because mom we only got one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ipxbl/why_do_stores_sell_more_gifts_during_valentines/
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A farmer invested 10 million USD towards research on marijuana effects on cows.

The steak were high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ipvby/a_farmer_invested_10_million_usd_towards_research/
%
What’s the Pokemon Sableye’s birth sign?

Gem-in-eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ipupp/whats_the_pokemon_sableyes_birth_sign/
%
"For your final police recruit evaluation,"

"there are six rounds in the cylinder" the Sergeant said as he slid a revolver across the desk.  "I want you to go shoot five black men and a rabbit".
The puzzled prospective cadet responded, "A rabbit, sir?"
The Sergeant shot up from his seat with an outstretched hand, "welcome to the force, son!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iptuv/for_your_final_police_recruit_evaluation/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iprfo/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ipqxr/after_a_long_time_i_told_my_hot_coworker_how_i/
%
What’s the difference between a pimple and a priest?

A pimple waits until puberty to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ipm2e/whats_the_difference_between_a_pimple_and_a_priest/
%
A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling.

When he asked the bartender about it, the bartender said, “If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are ok the house for the night. But if you miss, everyone’s drinks are on your tab for the next 2 hours. Do you want to try?”
The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ipm1r/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_notices_a_steak/
%
A man exclaims, "I would die to fulfill my quest.. to create the perfect grain blend. I would make..

..the ultimate sack of rice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ipkrc/a_man_exclaims_i_would_die_to_fulfill_my_quest_to/
%
Before you judge someone walk a mile in their shoes.

That way once you judge them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ipka1/before_you_judge_someone_walk_a_mile_in_their/
%
What did the duck say to the prostitute?

Put it on my bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ipfrt/what_did_the_duck_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
A KKK member finds a magic lamp on the beach...

He rubs it and a Black genie pops out.  The genie looks at the man and says "damn, this is pretty fucked up.  I'll tell you what.  I'll give you three wishes, but I'm also going to grant your wish to every black person in the world and double it."
"Fair enough" says the KKK member.  "I wish for a million dollars!" And a briefcase filled with $1 million appears at the man's feet.
"not bad!  You've given every black person in the world $2 million and treated countless families to a better life!  What's your next wish?"
"I wish to have a Ferrari in my driveway when I get back!"  And after a snap of the Genie's fingers he has his wish and every black person in the world is the proud owner of two Ferraris.
"Wow" says the genie.  "I'm pleasantly surprised!  For a man wearing KKK robes, your wishes have really done a lot for the black people of the world and I'll be more than happy to grant your final wish!"
"OK Genie, I wish for you to beat me half to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ipfks/a_kkk_member_finds_a_magic_lamp_on_the_beach/
%
A priest told me that he only like his partners like the evening

I responded asking him what he meant by liking his partners like the evening.
He replied he only liked them from 6 through to 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ipe2d/a_priest_told_me_that_he_only_like_his_partners/
%
What does a cannibal call a clown?

A Happy Meal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ipdw3/what_does_a_cannibal_call_a_clown/
%
Last night I finally jizzed in a condom for the first time!

unfortunetly I was just practicing getting it on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ipd42/last_night_i_finally_jizzed_in_a_condom_for_the/
%
German life guard joke

A group of tourists were on a boat in hamburg when the engine exploded and created a fire in the bottom of the boat.
They quickly called up the German coast guard for the German Life. Who answered with "Ja, Hallo, dis is ze German Coast Guard, How can i help you?
They responded "Help we're sinking!"
The Life Guard asked "Ja, vat are you sinking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ip986/german_life_guard_joke/
%
I would make a joke about reddit

But you probably already reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ip7op/i_would_make_a_joke_about_reddit/
%
The idea that women only belong in the kitchen is dated and offensive.

The rest of the house needs cleaned too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ip6g7/the_idea_that_women_only_belong_in_the_kitchen_is/
%
Whats it called when an old person gets hurt smoking weed?

Joint pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ip270/whats_it_called_when_an_old_person_gets_hurt/
%
A man walked into an ER with four plastic horses shoved up his bum...

They described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ip15m/a_man_walked_into_an_er_with_four_plastic_horses/
%
How many moths does it take to change a lightbulb?

They are still trying to figure it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iovtv/how_many_moths_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Texan Blonde Ain't Wrong.

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iom24/texan_blonde_aint_wrong/
%
What tragic fruit resembles Romeo and Juliet?

Cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iokfo/what_tragic_fruit_resembles_romeo_and_juliet/
%
I managed to get my dick into the Guinness book of world records...

But then they kicked me out of the library and threatened to call the police next time I showed face there ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ioiki/i_managed_to_get_my_dick_into_the_guinness_book/
%
I was thinking of making puns about grain...

But most people can *barley* stand it.
Yes, I know. That was pretty *corny*. You're probably thinking, "*Rye* did you do this?" I'm probably going too *farro* with this. I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ioi7g/i_was_thinking_of_making_puns_about_grain/
%
I made a bargain when building my new home.

The slater just told me that the roof is on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ioh0h/i_made_a_bargain_when_building_my_new_home/
%
How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, but it’s gonna take about 5 episodes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iogtf/how_many_dragon_ball_z_characters_does_it_take_to/
%
Not all math jokes are bad

Just sum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iochf/not_all_math_jokes_are_bad/
%
I told my psychiatrist I've been considering suicide.

He told me I need to pay in advance now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ioagi/i_told_my_psychiatrist_ive_been_considering/
%
Mmmm... Sandwiches

My wife asked me just now (irl) if I wanted half of a PB&J, I said, "yeah, keep the P and the &"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9io6nm/mmmm_sandwiches/
%
[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?

She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9io4w4/possibly_oc_how_excited_was_wendy_to_go_to/
%
Don't take life so seriously,

You won't make it out alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9io3yk/dont_take_life_so_seriously/
%
Poop jokes aren’t my favourite type of joke...

But they’re a solid number 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9io0qa/poop_jokes_arent_my_favourite_type_of_joke/
%
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine.  Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot!  What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad.  What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ins9f/a_woman_who_is_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a/
%
What do you call a martial artist who doesn't understand a concept?

Kungfused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ingc8/what_do_you_call_a_martial_artist_who_doesnt/
%
I've been trying to make a joke about swiss cheese...

But the joke has too many holes.
I know that was a cheesy joke. Most people aren't really that fondu of them. It's rare for them to be gouda jokes. You may think of me as a muenster for these jokes, and that I could do cheddar than this. I mean no parm in these puns. Alright, I'm done. I'll asiago away now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9infw8/ive_been_trying_to_make_a_joke_about_swiss_cheese/
%
What type of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A jellyfish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9indjp/what_type_of_fish_goes_well_with_peanut_butter/
%
I once knew a girl with 12 boobs.

Sounds fake, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9indih/i_once_knew_a_girl_with_12_boobs/
%
What do you call a Snoop Dogg impersonator?

Faux Shizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9inbp9/what_do_you_call_a_snoop_dogg_impersonator/
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What do children and tattoos have in common?

Both are pretty permanent, but can be removed with lasers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9inals/what_do_children_and_tattoos_have_in_common/
%
Seahorse joke

Why do seahorses live in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9in81q/seahorse_joke/
%
Why did the vampire join the circus?

To become an acrobat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9in6o3/why_did_the_vampire_join_the_circus/
%
Why was the ant confused?

Because all his uncles were also ants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9in5sg/why_was_the_ant_confused/
%
Best part about finger blasting a gypsie?

Get your palms red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9imxj0/best_part_about_finger_blasting_a_gypsie/
%
What do you get when you break into your school to make a heterogeneous mixture?

A suspension

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9imthz/what_do_you_get_when_you_break_into_your_school/
%
What happens when you kill Donkey Kong?

He starts to DK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9impay/what_happens_when_you_kill_donkey_kong/
%
I didn't have the heart to tell the Jewish girl I met at the bar when she asked for my number...

I didn't have the heart to tell her we call each other by our names here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9imns6/i_didnt_have_the_heart_to_tell_the_jewish_girl_i/
%
Two farmers are sitting on a porch...

...drinking beers and enjoying the sun. One looks over and sees his dog laying in the corner licking his balls.
He says, "Man, I wish I could do that."
The other says, "I've tried and couldn't even get close. I almost got bit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9imnka/two_farmers_are_sitting_on_a_porch/
%
My friend tried to convince me "whey" is spelled "whfey"

There's no f in whey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9immgi/my_friend_tried_to_convince_me_whey_is_spelled/
%
What did the priests say as they entered the orphanage?

Let us prey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9imglo/what_did_the_priests_say_as_they_entered_the/
%
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to quit.

It was just one ting after another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9imcrm/i_used_to_play_triangle_in_a_reggae_band_but_i/
%
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her...

“Back in 02” I said,
Sounds much better than February.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9imao1/my_girlfriend_asked_me_when_i_last_had_sex_with/
%
I just watched a fascinating documentary about labyrinths.

It was amazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9im5wr/i_just_watched_a_fascinating_documentary_about/
%
Using a cinnamon stick to stir your eggnog isn't a religious practice.

It's egg-nog-stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9im56o/using_a_cinnamon_stick_to_stir_your_eggnog_isnt_a/
%
I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I?

A liar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ilyyp/i_have_600_legs_30_arms_a_pair_of_wings_and_1000/
%
The Catholic church wants more people interested in priesthood.

They have got a lot of bad publicity lately so they just released a new campaign. They are offering scholarships for 100 lucky boys that can attend private school to become a priest for free.
Their slogan: "Find the priest inside of you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ilwhu/the_catholic_church_wants_more_people_interested/
%
What has two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese telephone.
“Wing Wing”
“Arrow”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ilu7x/what_has_two_wings_and_an_arrow/
%
walking down the beach when I saw a guy

Guy: HELP! SHARK! SHARK! HELP ME!
Me: (laughs) that sharks not gonna help him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ilrn6/walking_down_the_beach_when_i_saw_a_guy/
%
A guy is taking a dump in a public bathroom...

When suddenly, he hears "Hello" from the next stall,
He replies "Hello?"
Another question follows up "How are you?"
Still confused, he replies "Fine, thanks"
"What are you doing?"
"Um, I'm in a toilet, what do you think?"
After a brief second, there's another question "Hehe, can I join you?"
In shock, he replies "No way man, what the hell?"
Then he hears the guy in the next stall saying "I'm sorry babe, I'll call you back later, some fucking moron thinks I'm talking to him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ilkro/a_guy_is_taking_a_dump_in_a_public_bathroom/
%
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band

i had to leave, it was just one ting after the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ilk7a/i_used_to_play_the_triangle_in_a_reggae_band/
%
A nurse is walking down a hall with her hand in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer...

She then thinks, 'some asshole has my pen'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ilif4/a_nurse_is_walking_down_a_hall_with_her_hand_in/
%
Autocorrect made me say things...

...I didn't Nintendo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ilhxa/autocorrect_made_me_say_things/
%
A snake walks into a bar

The bartender says "How did you do that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ilgyr/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A tomato walks up to a bunch of fruits in a line

He says "Hey guys I'm a fruit, can I hang out with you?"
One turns to him and says
"No, this is the punch line"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ilgyo/a_tomato_walks_up_to_a_bunch_of_fruits_in_a_line/
%
Why are blind people so bad at programming?

They can't C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ildur/why_are_blind_people_so_bad_at_programming/
%
Obesity runs in my family.

An obese woman goes to the doctor. The doctor prescribes diet and exercise. The woman says, "Doctor, you don't understand. My mother is obese. My father is obese. My sister is obese. My brother is obese. My aunts are obese. Obesity runs in my family. " The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ildhb/obesity_runs_in_my_family/
%
What do you call it when two trans midgets have sex?

Microtransaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ilb87/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_trans_midgets_have/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more.The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine. I just quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9il7x9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_three_beers/
%
A French fry walks into a bar

\- Can I see the menu, please?
\- I'm sorry, but we don't serve food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9il460/a_french_fry_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Crazy ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolate.

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9il2ai/crazy_ex_girlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolate/
%
A new redditor comes to r/jokes

"Welcome!" Exclaims r/jokes.
"Hi," says the redditor, "tell me a funny joke please."
"Alright. Let me see what i can find." Replys r/jokes before heading off
While the redditor waits they, binge the entirety of Game of Thrones, watch the entire extended directors cut of Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit (with commentary), sink a couple (hundred) more hours into Skyrim,and finally, finally! Manage to land on Mars without blowing up.
While they wait the redditor thinks to themself "oh man, what if r/jokes comes back and tells a joke i have heard before!" So they decide to make sure.
Finally, r/jokes returns "Alright! I got one!"
"Hold on!" Interrupts the redditor. "While you were gone i was just thinking, what if i have heard this one before?"
"Oh you have got to be kidding me!" Screamed r/jokes.
"What? What's wrong?" Asked the redditor.
"It took me MONTHS to find something funny. Do you have ANY IDEA how long it will take to find something original!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ikyml/a_new_redditor_comes_to_rjokes/
%
A duck walks into a bar

Walks up to the bartender and orders a shot of vodka.
The bartender looks at the customer bewildered, not able to
understand how a duck is able to talk. So he pours it a shot of
vodka and watches the animal. The duck drinks its shot, pays
and walks out. The next day the same thing happens. So, the
bartender after pouring the requested drink asks the duck:
- 'What's your deal dude?'
- 'Oh you know, I work as a plumber at the construction site right around the block and I have to unwind after a long day.'
Alright, the bartender accepts the answer. This goes on for a
week or so, always at the same time and always a shot of
vodka. One of these days a friend of the bartender, who works at
the circus, comes up to the bar to have a drink and chat with his
buddy. He complains about his circus not doing very well, due to
the fact that they do not have anything interesting to show the
audience, just the usual lions and clowns. The bartender tells
his friend that he has something the circus might be interested
in: A talking duck. The circus man just has to stick around for
few more hours to check it out. So the friend stays, and of
course, the duck walks in, as always, to have a shot of vodka.
So, the circus manager walks up to it, really excited, and starts
talking the duck up, promising a life of glory and wealth, if only it
would join his circus. The duck sits there in silence, listening to
his pitch. Then after a minute of silence it asks:
- 'This circus of yours, its just a big tent, right?'
- 'Well, yeah' - The circus man answered.
- 'And the ground, its just dirt and grass, right?' - The duck
continued.
- 'Yeah, of course'
- 'Then what the fuck do you need a plumber for?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ikx63/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call insects on the moon?

Lunatics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ikp7s/what_do_you_call_insects_on_the_moon/
%
I'm not saying that my ex-wife has bad teeth,

but she smiled in Tesco once and the barcode scanner thought she was a set of saucepans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ikocy/im_not_saying_that_my_exwife_has_bad_teeth/
%
No matter how kind your kids are

German kids are kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ikns1/no_matter_how_kind_your_kids_are/
%
God the engineer

Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is.
The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move"
The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer."
The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ikmvr/god_the_engineer/
%
"I like the way you're thinking"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iklgv/i_like_the_way_youre_thinking/
%
What sound does a fatty acid make when it sneezes?

"A-COOH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ikj4f/what_sound_does_a_fatty_acid_make_when_it_sneezes/
%
I poured my root beer into a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ikh5k/i_poured_my_root_beer_into_a_square_glass/
%
9/11 jokes are never funny.

But the other 2 are hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ikgzc/911_jokes_are_never_funny/
%
Johnny might seem like he isn't good anything

But incest is where he really comes into his own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ikgjc/johnny_might_seem_like_he_isnt_good_anything/
%
Last time I went to the Indian restaurant, they forgot to give me bread...

But I didn't complain, since it was a naan-issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ike3g/last_time_i_went_to_the_indian_restaurant_they/
%
Why did Isaac Newton die a virgin?

Because he respected girls’ limits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ikdfo/why_did_isaac_newton_die_a_virgin/
%
Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?

Healthcare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ikc13/charging_500_for_a_5_case_of_water_is_considered/
%
Why did Princess Peach dump Mario for Toad?

Because he just wasn't as much of a fun guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ikas0/why_did_princess_peach_dump_mario_for_toad/
%
A man goes skydiving.....

A man goes skydiving.
After he jumps out of the plane he pulls the parachute cord and nothing happens.
Panicking, he pulls the emergency chute. Again nothing happens.
As he is plummeting towards the earth he sees a speck moving up towards him. As he focuses he can see it's another man, his clothes smoking and his hair singed.
As they pass the skydiver shouts 'do you know anything about parachutes?'
The singed guy replies 'no, do you know anything about gas boilers?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ik9fo/a_man_goes_skydiving/
%
There's a lesbian couple that lives next door to me.

For christmas they bought me a Rolex. It seems they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ik1xh/theres_a_lesbian_couple_that_lives_next_door_to_me/
%
Ghosts and fatties are afraid of the same thing.

Getting exorcised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ik0d1/ghosts_and_fatties_are_afraid_of_the_same_thing/
%
r/Showerthoughts deleted this as being a political topic

"Sexual harassment is a touchy subject."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ijxds/rshowerthoughts_deleted_this_as_being_a_political/
%
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries.

They decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient. They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff.
Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump.
The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ijwz9/vladimir_putin_and_kim_jong_un_are_discussing/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ijqe3/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ijolf/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
%
Mickey Mouse wants a divorce

The judge says "According to my papers you want to split from Minne because she's really silly. Is this correct?"
Mickey looks at the judge and says "No, not at all. I want a divorce because she's fucking Goofy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ije20/mickey_mouse_wants_a_divorce/
%
How many people does it take to change a light bulb?

One, me, I'm the only fucker that seems to do anything round here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ijcle/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Did you hear about the guy who has monopoly on the chicken industry?

He's a real chick magnate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ij7qi/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_has_monopoly_on/
%
I’m going to be working as the senior director at Old McDonald’s farm.

They’ve made me the CIEIO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ij5c5/im_going_to_be_working_as_the_senior_director_at/
%
A guy knocks on an old ladies door

He says excuse me, I think I've killed your cat I just ran over it in the street but I'd like to offer to replace it.
She looks at him and says how good are you at catching mice?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ij3cv/a_guy_knocks_on_an_old_ladies_door/
%
A guy and his dog walk into a bar.

The guy asks the bartender: „My dog can speak. Can I get a free beer if he speaks with you?“
“Sure“, the bartender said, not believing the guy.
„Okay, dog“, says the guy.“ What’s on top of a house?“
“Roof!“, the dog answers.
“That’s not speaking, that’s just barking“, the bartender says slightly amused.
“Wait, I’ll show you another thing, that’ll convince you - Dog, what does sandpaper feel like?“
“Rough!“, the dog answers while happily wagging it’s tail.
“Listen, guy, you’ve had your fun, but I got the joke..“, the bartender remarks.
“No, no, he can speak. Dog, who’s the most important composer of the 20th century?
“Orff!“, the dog exclaimed.
The bartender loses his temper and shouts: “Alright, you two. I’ve had enough. Leave this bar!“
Outside the bar the dog asks quietly: “Should I’ve answered Stravinsky?“
//I'm sorry if that joke is a repost, I'm pretty new around here and haven't read it on here before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iiy3z/a_guy_and_his_dog_walk_into_a_bar/
%
When arguing, never throw dirt at your opponent

All you do is lose ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iixjo/when_arguing_never_throw_dirt_at_your_opponent/
%
What vegetable do plumbers hate?

Leeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iixix/what_vegetable_do_plumbers_hate/
%
Scientists have given a woodchuck a catapult.

So far the answer is none at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iix24/scientists_have_given_a_woodchuck_a_catapult/
%
What does a walrus and a Tupperware container have in common ?

They both like a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iiu4d/what_does_a_walrus_and_a_tupperware_container/
%
I wrote a review for the Fast and Furious movies...

Ok so all of the cars have this little fin on the back and...
Oops, I forgot to warn people, this contains spoilers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iitj9/i_wrote_a_review_for_the_fast_and_furious_movies/
%
What do you call two marines having a quickie?

A flashbang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iioma/what_do_you_call_two_marines_having_a_quickie/
%
What do you call a Mexican who lost his big toe and replaced it with a rubber prostheses?

Roberto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iinoj/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_big_toe/
%
Why does Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iilnr/why_does_helen_keller_only_masturbate_with_one/
%
If we played cowboys and Indians I wouldn’t choose to be on losing team

that would be Sioux side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iii4x/if_we_played_cowboys_and_indians_i_wouldnt_choose/
%
What do you call it when a military man ejaculates prematurely?

A dishonorable discharge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iigpo/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_military_man/
%
I just got a Vasectomy...

The urologist gave me a cup and said I had to fill it in 60 days then bring it back for a sperm count.  I guess the surgery doesn't make a vas deferens right away...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iig71/i_just_got_a_vasectomy/
%
Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iifi9/breaking_news_japanese_researchers_have_developed/
%
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”

\-
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
\-
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.
\-
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iie37/a_robber_robs_a_bank_gets_all_the_money_and_is/
%
The Prostitute

A prostitute is recently diagnosed with heart trouble but decides to go to "work" anyway.
She is approached by a potential customer and tells him, "It's gonna be 50 dollars, but I have to tell you, I have acute angina."
He replies, "Well I hope so, because your face is kind of ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iiboq/the_prostitute/
%
Shove a copy of Shaun of the Dead up someone's ass

Simon Pegging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ii8i5/shove_a_copy_of_shaun_of_the_dead_up_someones_ass/
%
Today I came out to find my bicycle was gone

I called the police and within a matter of hours they had tracked down the thief, He was arrested for peddling stolen goods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ii7pv/today_i_came_out_to_find_my_bicycle_was_gone/
%
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ii6yx/what_do_you_call_a_priest_that_becomes_a_lawyer/
%
Subtle.

Whoever put that 'b' in there is a genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ii6h6/subtle/
%
What is difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

First one is superhero. Second one is command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ii6a7/what_is_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron_woman/
%
Q. What did Zimbabweans do before candles?

A. They had electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ii3ab/q_what_did_zimbabweans_do_before_candles/
%
Why are pirates so bad at playing cards?

Because they are always standing on the deck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ihz4q/why_are_pirates_so_bad_at_playing_cards/
%
I like my coffee like Serena Williams:

Black & bitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ihyfd/i_like_my_coffee_like_serena_williams/
%
What does a vegan zombie moan?

graaaiins...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ihuwp/what_does_a_vegan_zombie_moan/
%
Roses are grey.

Violets are grey,
I'm colourblind,
And shit at poetry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ihttu/roses_are_grey/
%
Man 1: Did you hear that famous actress was stabbed?

Man 2: No, who was it?
Man 1: Reese...oh what’s her name...
Man 2: Witherspoon?
Man 1: No, it was with a knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ihsgk/man_1_did_you_hear_that_famous_actress_was_stabbed/
%
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.

While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. "
The blonde look around and says
" Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ihrir/a_blonde_and_her_boyfriend_were_going_somewhere/
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The word "diputseromneve" may look ridiculous,

but backwards it’s even more stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ihq8i/the_word_diputseromneve_may_look_ridiculous/
%
Today I found my first grey pubic hair.

I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ihntj/today_i_found_my_first_grey_pubic_hair/
%
I left my job today

Friend: why?
Me: I couldn't work for that boss after what he said to me.
Friend: what did he say?
Me: you're fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ihnah/i_left_my_job_today/
%
Two facts about me not many people know.

1. My dick is as big as 2 Ikea pencils.
2. I'm banned from Ikea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ihn8n/two_facts_about_me_not_many_people_know/
%
I got my kid baptized yesterday

Priest:  Do you believe in the Holy Spirit and the holy Catholic church?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the resurrection of the body and life everlasting?
Me: I do
Priest: Do you hereby indemnify and hold harmless the Catholic church for any sexual misconduct to you and your family for ever and ever amen?
Me: I do--- wait! Hold on!
Priest: Too late! You said it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ihecz/i_got_my_kid_baptized_yesterday/
%
What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jelly my dick in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ihdtg/whats_the_difference_between_jelly_and_jam/
%
What are the three keys to a frontpage post?

Ctrl, C, and V.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ihbf4/what_are_the_three_keys_to_a_frontpage_post/
%
Don't drink & drive.

You'll spill your drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ihath/dont_drink_drive/
%
I think docking would make for a great spectator sport.

It’s really end to end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ih928/i_think_docking_would_make_for_a_great_spectator/
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The guilty man asks the judge

"What if I said you you're a son of a bitch?"
"I'd imprison you for lifetime", said the judge.
"What if I thought you're a son of a bitch?"
"You are free to think anything. I can't do anything."
"In that case", the man said, "I think you're a son of a bitch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ih8wk/the_guilty_man_asks_the_judge/
%
How are dog catchers paid?

By the pound!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ih8fp/how_are_dog_catchers_paid/
%
A sailor and a female model survive a shipwreck.

A ship sinks, and a sailor and a female model manage to swim to an unpopulated island. There are enough resources for them to survive, so they start to live there, eventually becoming a couple. After two years, the sailor suddenly looks at the model with a desperate expression, and says" "I cannot take it any longer. Could you please pretend for a while that you are a man?" The model is surprised, but eventually agrees. The sailor says to her, with a huge smile on his face, "Dude, just imagine it: For TWO YEARS, I´ve been fucking this extremely sexy model!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ih8c4/a_sailor_and_a_female_model_survive_a_shipwreck/
%
A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ih81u/a_thief_pointed_a_knife_at_me_and_said_your_money/
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Pants

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.
"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on."
So, she did and said: "These are too big, I can't wear them.'"
So I replied: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
Jack thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon he took off his pants and said to Jill: "Here try these on."
She did and said: "These are too large, they don't fit me."
So Jack said: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill removed her pants, handed them to Jack and said: "Here, you try on mine."
He tried and said: "I can't get into your pants."
So she said: "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ih80k/pants/
%
Making love to a woman is a lot like playing the violin.

I guess, i don't know how to do either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ih753/making_love_to_a_woman_is_a_lot_like_playing_the/
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A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.

They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, it will take a really long time to sort everything out. Maybe even years." says St. Peter. They do not mind.
After five years, they suddenly see St. Peter running towards them, shouting happily from distance: "Everything is sorted out! You two can now marry each other!" They have the wedding, but after some time, the love begins to fade and they realise they are no longer right for each other, so they ask the St. Peter if it is possible to get a divorce in heaven.
Peter looks at them and says: "It took FIVE YEARS until even one priest got here. How long do you think you will have to wait for a lawyer?"
If this joke has been posted before, sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ih4w3/a_young_couple_dies_just_a_few_days_before_their/
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A small asian man is in a public bathroom at a urinal. (NSFW)

He's taking care of business when a very large black man rushes in and takes the urinal next to him. The black man whips out his 14" penis, starts to urinate, and exclaims, "Oh God, I just made it!". The Asian man says, "Can you make them in other colors?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ih395/a_small_asian_man_is_in_a_public_bathroom_at_a/
%
Coffee

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ih2ik/coffee/
%
A dick has a sad life.

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iguol/a_dick_has_a_sad_life/
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A Chinese pan, an establishment for accommodation and drinks, a number, and Abraham Rockefeller...

Wok inn two Abe R.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iguhe/a_chinese_pan_an_establishment_for_accommodation/
%
A man, his friend and a camping trip

A man walks over to his friend and asks, “ If you went on a camping trip with your mates and you woke up the next morning and realised you had been fucked in the ass would you tell anyone?”. His friend pauses for a second and then replies with, a simple, “no”. The man then says, “wanna go camping?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9igubz/a_man_his_friend_and_a_camping_trip/
%
My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.

He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9igttk/my_fathers_answer_to_everything_was_alcohol/
%
People call me a carpenter

All I can say is that I am good at building walls around me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9igqfe/people_call_me_a_carpenter/
%
Today I told my boss that I liked his new car...

He said:
If you set goals for yourself, work hard and do your job properly, I'll be able to buy an even better one next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ignv3/today_i_told_my_boss_that_i_liked_his_new_car/
%
There was a very rude parrot who stood at a barber's door. Every time Jane went by he'd say "Yo, bitch!"

Tired of this, Jane went to the barber and complained. As a punishment, the barber painted the parrot completely in black.
Two days after, Jane went again by the barber's door and the parrot didn't say anything. On the next day she went by twice and again, the parrot didn't say anything.
So, with a smile on her face, she said: Ha! Don't have anything to say now?
And the parrot calmly said: I don't talk to bitches when I'm wearing my smoking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9igfup/there_was_a_very_rude_parrot_who_stood_at_a/
%
Roman guy: You won't believe how many women I've slept with

Second Roman: mmm?
Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9igdiy/roman_guy_you_wont_believe_how_many_women_ive/
%
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9igaeq/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
%
I can't believe someone in Australia is remaking Eminem's movie '8 Mile'

They're calling it 12.8748km

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ig8td/i_cant_believe_someone_in_australia_is_remaking/
%
Kendall Jenner and her dad Caitlyn Jenner are in a heated argument.

Caitlyn says: "It's true, Kendall. You have to believe me!"
Kendall says furyously: "I see straight through your lies. You are so trans parent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ig8n1/kendall_jenner_and_her_dad_caitlyn_jenner_are_in/
%
I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it premature evacuation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ig3q9/i_have_the_ability_to_leave_a_building_5m_before/
%
If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?

The United States of America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ig3l0/if_donald_trump_and_mike_pence_were_on_a_stranded/
%
A man is on his death bed...

His wife is holding his hand while he struggles with his breathing. On the table is a photograph of five strapping young lads and one very scrawny young man. He looks at the photo and tries to speak.
"Martha, how did it happen? My five strong boys winning competitions, chopping wood, marrying beautiful women, and having many children."
"Hush, Arthur, don't waste your breath."
"Martha, be honest is the youngest mine? I won't be mad, you've been faithful for all these years. Did I hurt you and you solace in the arms of another?"
"Oh, Arthur, of course he's yours! Our beautiful boy is yours!"
But Arthur keeps trying to get Martha to confess and she keeps assuring him the youngest is really his boy.
"Please, just admit it, he couldn't be mine. He's so scrawny and not married, not even a bastard child! He cannot be mine!"
Martha is now sobbing and trying to get Arthur to save his energy. She keeps repeating that he really is his flesh and blood.
Arthur takes his last breath and Martha sighs, "thank fuck he didn't ask about the other five."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ig1gv/a_man_is_on_his_death_bed/
%
Why was neon sad?

He saw chlorine and sodium bonding together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ig17d/why_was_neon_sad/
%
Two peanuts are walking down the street

One was assaulted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ig11c/two_peanuts_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.

They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress.
The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio.
She looked at him confused. “You mean polio?”
He shook his head and replied, “No…toe-lio.”
He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that.
He told her, “When I was eight, I got the kneesles.”
“You mean measles?”
“No…kneesles.”
Then he removed his underwear. She sighed…
“Let me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ifzpm/a_woman_went_to_a_dance_and_hit_it_off_with_a_guy/
%
What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?

Get off me homes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ifxvu/what_did_the_mexican_say_when_two_houses_fell_on/
%
What is the riskiest dish to order from a Japanese restaurant?

Fish of the north star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ifw2f/what_is_the_riskiest_dish_to_order_from_a/
%
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ifv2r/arguing_with_a_woman_is_like_reading_a_software/
%
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ifs6o/i_dropped_my_knife_and_cut_off_a_toe/
%
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I ?

Ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ifpe2/i_have_six_eyes_two_mouths_and_three_ears_what_am/
%
A wealthy Catholic man

travels to the Vatican City to see the Bishop of Rome in person, and hopes to meet him. Wearing his finest suit, he prays to God that he might be able to meet the Holy Father.
During the morning’s Papal procession, he manages to work his way to the front of the barrier as the Pontiff walks by.
Instead of blessing him, His Holiness completely ignores him, yet stops several feet past to stoop down and talk to a ragged-looking hobo. The wealthy man is insanely jealous, considering he traveled all this way just to be shunned.
He later finds this homeless-looking person and offers him his own fine suit as well as $5,000 in exchange for the raggedy clothes. Eternally grateful, the hobo hastily hands the wealthy man his clothes and thanks the Virgin Mary for such a miracle.
The following day, the wealthy man, now wearing his “new” ragged clothes, works himself back to the front of the barrier as close to the same spot where the hobo was before. Sure enough, as the Pope came down the procession, he stopped by the man, bent down to speak, and whispered in his ear:
“I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ifo9s/a_wealthy_catholic_man/
%
I went hunting today and caught a breast

I used a booby trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ifkv6/i_went_hunting_today_and_caught_a_breast/
%
Jesus Christ is dying on the cross

his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”
Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, “Peter, come hither!”
So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter’s arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can’t believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, “Peter, please, come to me!”
By now, the roman guard is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to reach near the cross and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord’s side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master’s eyes and asks, “yes, my Lord. What is it?”
Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, “Look Peter, I can see your house from here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ifk1r/jesus_christ_is_dying_on_the_cross/
%
What does eating pussy and smoking have in common

You can’t do either in a McDonalds anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ifjb8/what_does_eating_pussy_and_smoking_have_in_common/
%
You've heard of "boy who cried wolf", but what about "man who cried pig"?

I heard the rest of the blind date was pretty awkward!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ifi5f/youve_heard_of_boy_who_cried_wolf_but_what_about/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

And a table...
And then a chair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ifgqx/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
'2' managed to be prime,

Against all the odds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iffjq/2_managed_to_be_prime/
%
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don’t know but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9if2a8/whats_the_best_part_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
From my 8 year old son

Why can't you hear a  pterodactyl go to the bathroom?  Answer: Cause the Pee is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iexv8/from_my_8_year_old_son/
%
Slip of the tongue

Two guy friends were out at dinner and the one friend says to the other, “guess what happened to me at the train station today?”
“What” says his friend
“I was at the train station buying a ticket for my wife to go to Pittsburg and the lady at the desk was wearing a very low cut top, so I accidentally asked for two tickets to Titsburg!”
The friend replies, “that’s funny! I had the same slip of the tongue over dinner with my wife”
“Really what happened?” The friend says back
“She asked me something and I said ‘shut the fuck up bitch you ruined my life’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iesiv/slip_of_the_tongue/
%
At weddings, old ladies poke me and say,"You're next."

It's the other way around at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ieigb/at_weddings_old_ladies_poke_me_and_sayyoure_next/
%
I used to hate body hair

But when I hit puberty it started to grow on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iehf4/i_used_to_hate_body_hair/
%
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?

The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iegkl/what_does_eating_pussy_and_smoking_a_cigarette/
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What’s the toughest part about being Batman?

Knowing that you’ll never make your parents proud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iegf5/whats_the_toughest_part_about_being_batman/
%
Why are Canadians always happy?

Their beer is stronger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iefzd/why_are_canadians_always_happy/
%
Today I stepped on a corn flake.

Does that make me a cereal killer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ief23/today_i_stepped_on_a_corn_flake/
%
People treat me like a god

They ignore my existence unless they need something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iedfg/people_treat_me_like_a_god/
%
Johnny and Sally are our playing at the local playground [NSFW]

Sally looks at Johnny and says "Johnny, do you know what a penis is?"
"No, I don't," Johnny says, "but I can go ask my dad!"
Johnny runs home and finds his dad drunk on the couch, and asks "Dad, what is a penis?"
Johnny's dad pulls down his pants and says, "This is a penis, son, and it's the most beautiful penis in the world!"
Satisfied, Johnny goes back to the playground and tells Sally, "I know what a penis is!" Johnny pulls down his pants and says, "This is a penis, and if it were three inches shorter, it would be the most beautiful penis in the world!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iea3y/johnny_and_sally_are_our_playing_at_the_local/
%
If you wish to grow old with Joy, Grace and feeling Rosy all over...

You had better ask for their permission first!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ie8qc/if_you_wish_to_grow_old_with_joy_grace_and/
%
This woman visited the gynecologist.

The doctor said everything was OK but she had a rather wide vagina, he suggested excersizes. So one day at home the woman put a mirror on the floor to see her progress excersizing. Her husband came in and asked what she was doing. When she explained that she was exercising the husband said "OK watch out for that big whole on the floor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ie7jx/this_woman_visited_the_gynecologist/
%
Islamic terrorists makes no sense . Commit suicide and might get 72 virgins ?

Become a Catholic priest and get them now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ie7hp/islamic_terrorists_makes_no_sense_commit_suicide/
%
What do they call 50 Cent in Zimbabwe?

6 trillion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ie73j/what_do_they_call_50_cent_in_zimbabwe/
%
A linguistics professor is giving a lecture.

"In English, he explains, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative".
"However," the professor continues, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room pipes up. "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ie59i/a_linguistics_professor_is_giving_a_lecture/
%
Last week there was a kidnapping at my school.

We all woke him up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ie2rt/last_week_there_was_a_kidnapping_at_my_school/
%
Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Tom fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Tom took a bath with Bubbles.
Wanna hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles was the girl next door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ie2pc/wanna_hear_a_dirty_joke/
%
Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store

It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ie2di/yesterday_i_robbed_the_oversized_board_game_store/
%
A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? "
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ie0nz/a_skinny_little_white_guy_walks_into_an_elevator/
%
My mother's dying wish was, "Never change who you are...

"...I've put up with you enough on earth; I don't want you bugging me in Heaven too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9idwwh/my_mothers_dying_wish_was_never_change_who_you_are/
%
Two Rabbis meet on the street

.
“Oy vey! It’s terrible that such thing should happen to me,” says the first Rabbi.
“Calm down, calm down”, says the second Rabbi, “tell me what has happened.”
“It’s my son”, continues the first Rabbi, “he has turned Christian!”
“You know it’s funny you should bring this to me”, says the second Rabbi, “my son has also recently turned Christian.”
“Well what should we do about it?” says the first Rabbi clearly distressed and beside himself with anguish.
“We should go to the Synagogue and Pray!” says the second Rabbi in a fervent determined tone.
So the two Rabbis find their way to the nearest Synagogue and begin to pray beseechingly to God.
“Oh Lord help us find our way, our sons have turned Christian!”
Suddenly a voice from above fills the Synagogue, “You know it’s funny you should bring this to me...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9idw5s/two_rabbis_meet_on_the_street/
%
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more and they would get too farty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9idvp0/why_do_the_irish_only_put_239_beans_in_their_soup/
%
You know what really grinds my gears?

Rust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9idugz/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
%
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iduci/may_i_take_your_order_the_waiter_asked/
%
A Redditor was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice. "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said. "I reposted a joke on r/jokes".
"I know" I whispered, "that's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9idpdg/a_redditor_was_dying_i_was_by_his_bedside_when_he/
%
A frog goes to get a bank loan.

He hops up on the desk of Patricia Whack, one of the bank employees, and says, “I want to borrow $500,000.”
Patricia says, “Well that’s a lot!”
Frog says, “It’s okay, my dad’s Mick Jagger.”
“That’s nice,” Patricia answers, “but if you want to borrow that much, the bank needs some kind of collateral.”
So the frog takes a ceramic pig out of its little bag and sets it on Patricia’s desk (he looks very smug at this point). He says, “I think this ought to take care of that.”
“Uh, let me check with my boss.” So Patricia takes the ceramic pig back to her bosses office and explains the situation. “And what the heck even is this?”  she concludes, pointing at the ceramic pig.
Her boss says, “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give a frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9idp73/a_frog_goes_to_get_a_bank_loan/
%
An Australian person went to a chess themed restaurant.

After finishing his meal, he asked the server, “could I get my check mate?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9idklc/an_australian_person_went_to_a_chess_themed/
%
A couple was having a party at their house.

An hour before the party the  woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her  husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured  he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a  half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had  already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran  home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him.  But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the  floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9idi6u/a_couple_was_having_a_party_at_their_house/
%
Once upon a time

, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her  husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills  and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'
The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
A  few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's  son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the  son replied, "Mum's dead; Sis is pregnant; my @sshole hurts, and Dad is  out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9idhv1/once_upon_a_time/
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I think my mirror is broken

I said pumpkin spice latte 3 times in front of it and no white girl in yoga pants appeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9idhfq/i_think_my_mirror_is_broken/
%
Why was the roman smiling after going down on his wife?

He was gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9idb0d/why_was_the_roman_smiling_after_going_down_on_his/
%
Mr. and Mrs White are in the delivery room of the hospital

waiting for the arrival of their newborn son.  As the child emerges from the birth canal, a puzzled look comes over the doctor's face, as the child has jet black eyes, a flatter nose, and a few strands of black hair.  He notices that Mr. and Mrs. White both have blue eyes and blonde hair.  "This child is Asian," the doctor thinks to himself.
As everybody is celebrating, the doctor pulls aside Mr. White and says: "Look I'll be blunt with you, I don't think this child is yours."
"That's ridiculous!" replies Mr. White, "my wife and I have been happily married for 10 years!"
The doctor takes another look at the newborn, leans in and says, "All I'm saying is that two Whites don't make a Wong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9id9m6/mr_and_mrs_white_are_in_the_delivery_room_of_the/
%
What's the difference between me and cancer?

My grandad didn't beat cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9id6ps/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes, and emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.

Then out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain you can imagine. He's got a peg leg, an eyepatch, a hook for a hand, a parrot on his shoulder, a long beard, a gold ear ring, and a saber at his side.
The new sailor is awestruck. He nudges a fellow sailor and and asks who he is.
"That's the captain. He's the fiercest pirate on all the seas."
"Wow! How did he lose the leg?"
"Crocodile in the waters of Africa. He killed it with his bare hands."
"WOW! How did he lose the hand?"
"Shark took it in the Caribbean. He killed it with the one good hand."
"WHOA! How did he lose his eye?"
"A bird shit in it."
"Ummm... What? He lost his eye from that?
"Yep. First day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9id521/a_man_is_on_his_first_brutal_day_as_a_crewman_of/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel jammed down the front of his pants.

The bartender says, "Isn't that uncomfortable?"
The pirate responds, "Ar, it's drivin' me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9id4ta/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
%
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware store?

So that he could find the tightest seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9id4hk/why_did_the_walrus_go_to_the_tupperware_store/
%
A man walks into a diner and orders a burger and fries

While waiting he sees another man with a delicious looking bowl of chili, but the other is looking disappointed. He asks the man if he'd like to trade food when his burger comes, to which the other man agrees.
When their orders come the trade and start eating their meals. The first man thinks the chili is delicious and can't fathom why the second guy didn't want it. When he finishes the chili, he sees a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, and pukes the chili out, right back in the bowl. The first guy turns to him and says
"Yup,that's the same shit I did."
Note: this is a joke my father told me, so if someone already posted it let me know and I'll delete it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9id31l/a_man_walks_into_a_diner_and_orders_a_burger_and/
%
Why did the two new iPhones hate each other?

They were iPhone Xs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9id15v/why_did_the_two_new_iphones_hate_each_other/
%
A man is washing his car with his son...

And then the son said, “Dad, why don’t you just use the sponge?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9id09v/a_man_is_washing_his_car_with_his_son/
%
There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,

and those who bitch about reposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iczc4/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world_those/
%
It's hard to date a guy with OCD...

Every time I get turned on he turns me off again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9icyyv/its_hard_to_date_a_guy_with_ocd/
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What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? [NSFW]

A pick pocket snatches your watch, while a peeping Tom watches your snatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9icy5o/whats_the_difference_between_a_pick_pocket_and_a/
%
Did you hear about the most recent celebrity drug addict?

I Don’t know how we missed it for so long, but it turns out that Humpy Dumpty was actually a crack head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9icvdk/did_you_hear_about_the_most_recent_celebrity_drug/
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9icv5d/i_thought_about_going_on_an_allalmond_diet/
%
What did the Maxi-Pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9icuvn/what_did_the_maxipad_say_to_the_fart/
%
A lumberjack goes into a magical forest to chop down some wood..

He goes up to the first tree he sees, and just as he's about to swing, the tree says, "Wait! Don't kill me! I'm a talking tree!"
"Yes," the lumberjack says, "and you'll dialogue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9icnfk/a_lumberjack_goes_into_a_magical_forest_to_chop/
%
I just burned 2,000 calories...

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9icm7c/i_just_burned_2000_calories/
%
What do you call a tree who just lost a loved one?

Mourning Wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9icl3g/what_do_you_call_a_tree_who_just_lost_a_loved_one/
%
When Donald Trump says he doesn’t have any Russian ties, he isn’t lying.

All his ties are made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9icksv/when_donald_trump_says_he_doesnt_have_any_russian/
%
A man meets a beautiful lady at the bar, and decides to ask her name...

Lady: "I'm Carmen."
Man: "What a nice name, does it run in the family?"
Lady: "Actually I named myself after the two things I love most in life; cars and men."
Man: "Very interesting."
Lady: "So, what's your name?"
Man: "Titsgolf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ick0c/a_man_meets_a_beautiful_lady_at_the_bar_and/
%
So a river gets blocked off.

"Well I'll be dammed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9icfje/so_a_river_gets_blocked_off/
%
President Trump decided to play Mario Kart with his cabinet

He thought that this would be be a good bonding exercise with his staff so he bought a Wii and ordered his whole office to come into the oval office
Once everyone arrived there was a huge argument on who would play as what character, because everyone wanted to be Mario. Trump decided that this could be a nice opportunity to get the Democrats in the senate to work with him so he left the decision into their hands.
Three months, 4 senate hearings and one filibuster later the senate had their answers and Trumps cabinet returned to the oval office and took their controllers and saw who they were going to be
"Sweet" said vice president Mike Pence, "I'm Mario"
"This is awesome, I'm Bowser" exclaimed secretary of state Rex Tillerson
But Trump just groaned
"What's wrong Mr. President?" Pence asked
"These Goddamn Democrats are spreading their liberal propaganda into r/jokes" Trump moaned
"What do you mean sir?"
"I'm Peach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9icdky/president_trump_decided_to_play_mario_kart_with/
%
This is my step ladder

I never knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9icd1j/this_is_my_step_ladder/
%
TIL that comparative brain scans of elephants reveal that they find humans to be "adorable".

I mean, your mom told me I was sexy, but I didn't realize that it was a biological reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9icc4k/til_that_comparative_brain_scans_of_elephants/
%
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

\-
Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9icar7/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
%
A young boy waits downstairs while his date is getting ready

The Dad is there watching TV with the family dog.
The boy farts, the Dad yells at the dog.
The boy farts again, the Dad again yells at the dog.
The third time, Dad yells "Bingo, get way from him before he shits on you"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ic4k1/a_young_boy_waits_downstairs_while_his_date_is/
%
I treat my Play-doh like people groups in the 1940's

Always keep the colors separate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ic4bp/i_treat_my_playdoh_like_people_groups_in_the_1940s/
%
Why’s shouldn’t you mess with a paleontologist

Because you’ll get jurasskicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ic3gv/whys_shouldnt_you_mess_with_a_paleontologist/
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Why we don't do reverse cowgirl in Alabama.

Down here in Alabama we don't ever do "Reverse Cowgirl". Because we never turn our back on family!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ic1md/why_we_dont_do_reverse_cowgirl_in_alabama/
%
He touched her hand and she touched his hand...

What a touching story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iby34/he_touched_her_hand_and_she_touched_his_hand/
%
My first time with a condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ibwgk/my_first_time_with_a_condom/
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Coworker: You’re an idiot. Me: Nobody talks to me that way except...

My mother,
My father,
My wife,
My wife’s family,
Small children,
Large children,
And now I guess my coworkers....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ibujd/coworker_youre_an_idiot_me_nobody_talks_to_me/
%
Why are cigrattes and hamsters similar

There both pretty safe until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ibsku/why_are_cigrattes_and_hamsters_similar/
%
Who let the owls out?

Who Who Who Who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ibs4j/who_let_the_owls_out/
%
A stranger came up to me in the park and said “what a lovely dog you have...”

“Thanks! He’s interbred” I said
Then a duck walked up beside us and said “do you know who else is interbred?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ibpsu/a_stranger_came_up_to_me_in_the_park_and_said/
%
I slept like a baby last night

I woke up several times crying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ibmzw/i_slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
%
What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ibkxu/what_do_you_call_crystal_clear_urine/
%
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ibjmp/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
%
What did tonalite say to pegmatite?

I'm sorry I took you for granite...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ibj2t/what_did_tonalite_say_to_pegmatite/
%
A blonde was getting pretty desperate for money.

She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?""Sure that sounds great!" said Julie."Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man."Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked."Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?""Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"The man reached into his wallet to pay her."Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ibip8/a_blonde_was_getting_pretty_desperate_for_money/
%
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?

Because it was two tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ibf0n/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_stand_up/
%
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...

Says he has always been able to count on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ib8a7/my_grandpa_just_told_me_that_he_loves_how/
%
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazonas...

They are tied to a big wooden pole in the middle of the village. The leader of the tribe walks up to the first explorer and states with a deep voice:
"Wagga-Dagga or die."
The first explorer, not wanting to die, quickly chooses Wagga-Dagga. Hearing the first explorers answer, all the men in the tribe proceed to rape the first explorer. The remaining explorers are horrified by what happens, but eases up a bit when they see him released after Wagga-Dagga. Now the tribe leader walks up to the second explorer and states:
"Wagga-Dagga or die."
The second explorer thinks about his decision long and hard, but after a few minutes decides that anything is better than death, so he chooses Wagga-Dagga. He is then raped by all of the tribes men, but is let go when everyone is finished. The tribe leader once again walks up to the big wooden pole and says to the third and last explorer:
"Wagga-Dagga or die."
The third explorer very horrified by the others experiences, decides that he can not go through with what the other explorers had to go through and therefore he chooses the option "die". The leader looks at him, smiles and says:
"Okay, but first a little Wagga-Dagga."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ib82w/three_explorers_are_captured_by_a_tribe_in_the/
%
I bought a trampoline for my younger brother

All the little shit did was sit in his wheelchair and cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ib7yp/i_bought_a_trampoline_for_my_younger_brother/
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What type of jackets do demons wear?

Blazers
Credit to my son for coming up with this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ib434/what_type_of_jackets_do_demons_wear/
%
What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

Murdered in a tunnel in Paris

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iaznp/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_the_queen_and_prince/
%
I didn’t think my knee replacement surgery would help.

I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iaymi/i_didnt_think_my_knee_replacement_surgery_would/
%
Why did the woman in a wheelchair leave her husband?

Because he was always pushing her around and talking behind her back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iax8r/why_did_the_woman_in_a_wheelchair_leave_her/
%
Don’t tell secrets in the garden

The potatoes have eyes, the corn have ears and the beanstalk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iaudy/dont_tell_secrets_in_the_garden/
%
Why are AC/DC always so hungry?

Cause it’s a long way to the shop if you want a sausage roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ianfs/why_are_acdc_always_so_hungry/
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Speech impediment

A guy with a speech impediment is walking down the street. He comes across a bakery and decides to go inside. He goes to the counter and says "Can I have a butt?" The woman says "A what?" A butt the man says again. "Ohh you mean a bun? The guy says ya ya just give me the butt and he walks out of the store with his bun.
He continues walking down the street when he sees a hardware store. He goes inside and asks the guy at the counter for a "fuckit" The man behind the counter says "A what?" Again the man repeats "I need a fuckit." Ohh you mean a bucket! Ya ya just give me the fuckit says the man with the speech impediment and leaves the store with his fuckit.
Further along down the street he sees a pet store and decides to go inside. He asks if he can buy a "Cockandspankit". The woman says "You want a what?" He says again, a Cockandspankit! Oh, the woman says "You mean a Cocker spanial?" Ya ya whatever the man says and leaves the store with his "Cockandspankit"
As the man is walking out of the pet store the leash breaks and the dog runs down the street. He turns to a woman going into the store and says "Hey can you hold my butt and fuckit while I try to find my Cockandspankit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ian22/speech_impediment/
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I dont understand all the worry about net neutrality, because

[Please make a £100 donation to AT&T for completion of this joke]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iamcm/i_dont_understand_all_the_worry_about_net/
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Well that was quick

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iah43/well_that_was_quick/
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Math joke

M>have you heard the story of the three eggs and one was good ?
H> not yet
M>  two bad...
H> go back to bed ya sh*t head
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*   P.S. the first joke my father taught me, R.I.P.    *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iagp9/math_joke/
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I finally found an app for my senior love life!!

It's called Carbon Dating <3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iaew5/i_finally_found_an_app_for_my_senior_love_life/
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What's purple and green and sits on the porch at night crying?

She's my fucking girlfriend I'll paint her whatever colours I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iaek1/whats_purple_and_green_and_sits_on_the_porch_at/
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What's the similarity between a member of r/jokes and an elevator on the top floor?

They let everyone down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iacid/whats_the_similarity_between_a_member_of_rjokes/
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What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?

There, they’re, their...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9iaaky/what_do_you_say_to_comfort_a_friend_struggling/
%
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ia9fe/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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I wonder who's buried in the grave of the guy who invented the switch-a-roo?

Th-th-that's all folks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ia7xb/i_wonder_whos_buried_in_the_grave_of_the_guy_who/
%
Why men are the best cooks

Because with 2 eggs, a sausage, and a little bit of milk they can fill a girl’s tummy for 9 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ia3lx/why_men_are_the_best_cooks/
%
Somebody attacked Bill Clinton's vice president with a chainsaw.

Witnesses described a mess of blood and Gore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i9xw2/somebody_attacked_bill_clintons_vice_president/
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What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean Beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow on her knees?
Your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i9osk/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_two_legs/
%
What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Most people think it's the Arrr, but it really be the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i9oro/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?

Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.
* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*
Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i9mi7/boy_scout_sir_the_lads_and_i_found_a_snake_is_it/
%
Does anyone know what Barack Obama’s favorite nut is?

Yes, pecan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i9med/does_anyone_know_what_barack_obamas_favorite_nut/
%
What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i9k6w/whats_the_difference_between_a_seal_and_a_sea_lion/
%
Wife driving the car ....

WIFE: honey?
Husband: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
Husband: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
Husband: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
Husband: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
Husband: no deer
(copied)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i9h24/wife_driving_the_car/
%
NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.
A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can decide. Do you want to the husband or the wife?"
The man's worst fears have come to fruition. Realizing he doesn't really have a choice, he figures that if he's got to have sex with this guy, he's going to be the husband.
He tells the mountain of a man "If given the choice, I guess I'd prefer to be the husband."
"Great!" said the black man, "Now get over here and suck your wife's dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i9gst/nsfw_a_man_commits_a_crime_and_goes_to_prison/
%
Someone asked if I ever put an orange slice in my beer.

Once, in a Blue Moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i9g83/someone_asked_if_i_ever_put_an_orange_slice_in_my/
%
Two parrots are standing on a perch...

One says to the other “hey, do you smell fish?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i9elg/two_parrots_are_standing_on_a_perch/
%
The invention of the shovel was...

groundbreaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i9ea8/the_invention_of_the_shovel_was/
%
What gets heavier as it gets smaller?

A coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i9c9p/what_gets_heavier_as_it_gets_smaller/
%
Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?

Because blonde men are stupid too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i9bab/why_did_the_blonde_woman_have_bruises_on_her/
%
Two fish are swimming around in a tank...

One says to the other “hey do you know how to drive this thing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i991e/two_fish_are_swimming_around_in_a_tank/
%
Whats worse than it raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i965g/whats_worse_than_it_raining_cats_and_dogs/
%
What did the Italian volcano say to his girlfriend?

I lava you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i95vp/what_did_the_italian_volcano_say_to_his_girlfriend/
%
How does the Moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i95hh/how_does_the_moon_cut_its_hair/
%
My favourite type of lingerie

is when it's on the floor...
Much to the annoyance of the store clerk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i95h8/my_favourite_type_of_lingerie/
%
Pervert at the shoe store

A man gets home from work to find his wife furiously pacing the house.  As soon as he's through the door, she starts frantically telling him about her experience at the shoe store that day.
"I was at the shoe store today and I decided to try on this cute pair of pumps.  When the clerk was knelt down to put the shoe on my foot, he looked up my skirt and noticed I wasn't wearing any panties.  He looked me in the eye and said "I'd love to fill that pussy up with ice cream and eat it all out.""
"I stormed out of the store and have been waiting here for you to get home.  I want you to back to the store and teach that pervert a lesson."
The man looked at his wife and sternly told her "First of all, we've had this discussion about shopping ten times already.
You already have too many pairs of shoes and we don't need to be wasting money like this."
"Second, you are a married woman.  What in the world makes you think it's OK for you to go shopping with no panties on, especially when you are wearing a skirt that is already too short.  You should know better!"
"And finally, your head must be up your ass if you think I'm going to go pick a fight with a motherfucker that can eat that much ice cream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i91uq/pervert_at_the_shoe_store/
%
The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”
The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i91mi/the_queen_hosts_a_garden_party_in_scotland/
%
I took a cab the other day,and the driver told me,”I love my job; I own this car; I have got my own business; I am my own boss; NO ONE tells me what to do.”

I said, “ Turn left here mate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8yvl/i_took_a_cab_the_other_dayand_the_driver_told_mei/
%
A little boy asked his mother one day...

"Mother, is god a man or a woman?"
Mother thought about it, all the debates and political correctness and works... And replied
"both".
The boy went away in deep thoughts for a while and came back.
"Mother, is god black or white?"
She thought of the history and racial politics and stuff and replied
"both".
The boy again in deep thoughts went away for a while and came back.
"Mother, is god gay or straight?"
She thought of that aspect and replied
"both".
The little boy jumped with joy and exclaimed
"I got it! I got it! It's Michael Jackson!"
Note - It's not my joke, only sharing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8w52/a_little_boy_asked_his_mother_one_day/
%
What do you call a shooting in a Boston Catholic Church?

A Mass mass mass shooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8s3t/what_do_you_call_a_shooting_in_a_boston_catholic/
%
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing

...except at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8s2j/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_usually_mean_the_same/
%
What's worse than your neighbor playing the trumpet at 4 am?

Him not quite knowing how to play the trumpet at 4 am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8oq7/whats_worse_than_your_neighbor_playing_the/
%
A chicken, duck and quail were found dead on a swing set.

The police suspect fowl play

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8ncf/a_chicken_duck_and_quail_were_found_dead_on_a/
%
Travelling through the deepest darkest jungles of Africa with my man servant Jeeves ....

We broke through the dense undergrowth into a small clearing. There were eggs everywhere. I turned to Jeeves and said "This is obviously the work of poachers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8mss/travelling_through_the_deepest_darkest_jungles_of/
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I finally found a joke that millions of people like

This Subreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8mgf/i_finally_found_a_joke_that_millions_of_people/
%
I told my wife, "You are so skinny."

Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8jb2/i_told_my_wife_you_are_so_skinny/
%
According to my neighbor's diary,

I have "boundary issues".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8hbc/according_to_my_neighbors_diary/
%
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?

My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8gkd/dear_posters_of_rjokes_could_you_try_to_be_a_bit/
%
Called AA by mistake...

Those drunks can't change a tire for shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8fcb/called_aa_by_mistake/
%
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8cvd/a_blonde_went_to_the_appliance_store_sale_and/
%
What happened to the cross eyed circumciser?

They got the sack!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8b3a/what_happened_to_the_cross_eyed_circumciser/
%
I dont know why my whole village calls my friend "Pig Fucker Dave"

His name isn't even Dave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i886b/i_dont_know_why_my_whole_village_calls_my_friend/
%
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”

The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i8677/at_the_end_of_the_physics_lecture_i_asked_my/
%
What do you call a flower on steroids?

a power plant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i84lu/what_do_you_call_a_flower_on_steroids/
%
My friend started a subreddit for nihilists.

I asked him, “What’s the point?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i82f4/my_friend_started_a_subreddit_for_nihilists/
%
My friend urinated on a robot capable of feeling emotions. It got angry, but then it shut down.

He really pissed it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i828c/my_friend_urinated_on_a_robot_capable_of_feeling/
%
I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i7zvz/i_used_to_feel_guilty_about_getting_rid_of_old/
%
To the person who has stolen my 5 tonne concrete boots and my invisibility cloak...

You can't run but you can hide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i7wma/to_the_person_who_has_stolen_my_5_tonne_concrete/
%
The difference between a cookie and a cracker.

Cookies don't care if you pull down a civil war statue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i7wh3/the_difference_between_a_cookie_and_a_cracker/
%
Judge: "How can you live with your guilt?"

Killer: "Better than my victims."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i79l6/judge_how_can_you_live_with_your_guilt/
%
Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he
hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts.
I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i778z/joe_wanted_to_buy_a_harley_motorcycle/
%
I tried making dessert, but I only had sour milk.

It was quite off pudding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i743n/i_tried_making_dessert_but_i_only_had_sour_milk/
%
I live in a musical house,

Actually it’s A Flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i73c0/i_live_in_a_musical_house/
%
I live in such a dangerous part of town that I don’t let my kids go out in the evening.

They might just rob someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i730a/i_live_in_such_a_dangerous_part_of_town_that_i/
%
What’s the name of the Disney princess that got burned?

Cinder-ella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i70hu/whats_the_name_of_the_disney_princess_that_got/
%
I asked a kiwi how many sexual partners he had had...

He fell asleep counting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i6xsg/i_asked_a_kiwi_how_many_sexual_partners_he_had_had/
%
What does a fencer do on r/Jokes?

Riposte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i6vrm/what_does_a_fencer_do_on_rjokes/
%
A kindly old man is walking by the seaside when he sees three lovely young ladies crying their eyes out.

So he says, "Dear me, you poor things, so miserable on such a lovely day as this! Come and have a cup of tea and let's see if we can't make you feel better."
Won over by his twinkly-eyed charm, the three young ladies manage to dry their eyes and they follow him to a chintzy little seaside cafe where he orders a slice of Victoria sponge cake all round and a pot of tea for four.
When the tea and cake arrives, he smiles sweetly and says, "Now, who's going to be mother?"
And all three young ladies burst into tears again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i6rlk/a_kindly_old_man_is_walking_by_the_seaside_when/
%
Police Officer: Ma'am, can you describe the person who assaulted you?

Woman: Oh yes, officer. I'm certain it was that man on the TV who hijacked that truck full of electric razors.
Police Officer: Ma'am, I'm afraid you been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i6qx9/police_officer_maam_can_you_describe_the_person/
%
2 guys having a drink in a skyscraper.

Up on the 57th floor at a bar, 1 says to the other:
"Did you know, if you jump out of this window that the air pressure gets so great by the 10th floor you'll get sucked straight back into the window at the 9th."
The 2nd guy replies:
"No way, that's bullshit."
First guy says
"I'm telling you it's true..."
2nd guy replies:
"OK, Prove it. Jump out, if you make it back up here I'll buy you a drink."
First guy:
"OK, you got a deal."
He opens the window and without hesitation, jumps out.
The 2nd guy panics and runs over, but it's to late... The first guy is already plummeting down to the ground.
He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, floors and would you know it... Just as he predicted, he is sucked into the window on the 9th.
He catches the elevator back up to the 57th floor, goes to the bar with a big smug smile on his face and says to the 2nd guy:
" Double Whiskey, straight on the rocks."
The 2nd guy can't believe his eyes... He buys the drink but is convinced that he has been swindled. He says:
"That was a set up... Or a fluke... Do it again... And I'll buy you 2 drinks."
The first guy laughs, and replies:
"OK, No problem. I'm telling you it's physics, no luck or trickery involved here. Just watch."
He walks confidently over to the window (wobbling slightly from alcohol) and jumps out.
The 2nd guy is looking with intent, sure he will find out what's going on and how the trick works.
The first guy plummets towards the ground again, He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, floors and would you know it...  he is sucked into the window on the 9th yet again.
He catches the elevator back to the 57th floor and walks in, smugger than before. Yells over to the bartender:
"2 double whiskeys, on the rocks."
The bartender shakes his head in dismissal, but poor the drinks.
The guy then stumbles over to the 2nd and says.
"Now do you believe me... Go on, give it a go, it's exciting... Tell you what, I'll get you 3 drinks if you do it."
The 2nd guy is hesitant... But having watched it been done twice with a very watchful eye.. Figures, he can't argue with science and decides to give it a shot.
He tentitevely walks over to the window, sits upon the ledge...
The first guys is stood by his side and cheers:
"Go on! You can do it!"
With that, the 2nd guy jumps. Screaming and terrified as he falls towards the ground at terminal velocity...
He is hurling towards the street, He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, 10th, 9th, 8th, 7th, 6th, 5th, 4th, floor...
The man is screaming, petrified for his life.
"OH GOD I'M. GOING TO DIE!! HEEEEELP!!!!!!."
He zooms past the 3rd... 2nd... Floor... He is headed face first for the curb...
Suddenly the first guy appears from nowhere and catches him...
The guy, still terrified but now puzzled and in disbelief. Overjoyed that he was saved...
" How.... How did you do that!?"
The first guy replies (still tipsy and slurring) ...
"I owe you 3 drinks."
They catch the elevator to the 57th floor and walk into the bar..
The first guy says:
"I'll have a double whiskey and this guy will have 3."
The 2nd guy is traumatised from the experience he just went through... Shaking in the corner of the bar.
The bartender, having seen and heard everything says to the first guy:
"You know, you can be a real dick when you're drunk Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i6nbs/2_guys_having_a_drink_in_a_skyscraper/
%
Three Europeans go to America

They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i6loi/three_europeans_go_to_america/
%
Two American communists decide they would like to emigrate to the Soviet Union.

The two men, names Ron and John, did not trust the negative things they had heard about the USSR in the press, since they believed that was just capitalist propaganda meant to discredit communism. However, just to be sure, the men formulated a plan to investigate what the country was like personally before making their final decision.
The plan went like this. Ron would take a vacation to the Soviet Union to see what life there was really like. Once he tested the waters, he would send a letter to John describing his experience there and whether they should emigrate or not. If the USSR was a communist paradise, Ron would write his letter using black ink to indicate he was telling the truth. If not, and the American reports turned out to be true, Ron would write the same letter in red ink, indicating that whatever he wrote was not to be trusted.
A few months later, John checked his mailbox and was ecstatic to find that his friend had sent his first report! Eagerly, John tore open the envelope and held the yellowed paper, his hands trembling. He took a deep breath and read the black ink:
*"Dear John,*
*I am so happy here! The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics is truly a beautiful country, with a high standard of living and complete economic and political freedom! Comrade Stalin himself greeted me here when I arrived, and I was so honored to meet such a glorious and wonderful leader!*
*The capitalist American press lied about everything! The communism is so much better than what we have back home! All products are readily available! There is only one small thing of which there is a shortage: Red ink.*
*Yours Truly,*
*Ron"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i6l0o/two_american_communists_decide_they_would_like_to/
%
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i6fcj/my_boyfriend_was_dying_i_was_by_his_bedside_when/
%
Did you hear about all the smartphones that got stolen from a semi stalled on the interstate?

It was Huawei robbery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i6eii/did_you_hear_about_all_the_smartphones_that_got/
%
Four mothers go to a doctor

A doctor was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” she observed.
To the first mother, she said: “You are so obsessed with eating you’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
She turned to the second mum: “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
She turned to the third mum and said: “Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: “Come on Dick, we’re leaving.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i6ecn/four_mothers_go_to_a_doctor/
%
What's a 6-letter word that starts with the letter “n”, has 2 vowels in it, the letter "r" in it, and perfectly describes black people?

Normal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i6dzp/whats_a_6letter_word_that_starts_with_the_letter/
%
What do you call a person that knows a lot about cheese?

A cheese wiz!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i6a8f/what_do_you_call_a_person_that_knows_a_lot_about/
%
I must have a really nice butt

every time I walk away from someone I hear them say, "What an ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i6a4a/i_must_have_a_really_nice_butt/
%
So a blind man enters a store swinging his dog around his head

The manager approached him, cautiously asking, "Do you need help with anything?"
The man replies, "Nope, just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i68ek/so_a_blind_man_enters_a_store_swinging_his_dog/
%
Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be two of them, now it’s a sensitive subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i67qz/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party

. After several drinks one of the men had to use the restroom those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”
The second guy said, “Darn, That’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to light school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet or his birthday.”
The third man said, “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.”
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”
The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a striper at a nightclub.”  The three friends said: “What a shame... what a disappointment.”
The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was three weeks ago, and he receive a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion…a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i6498/four_friends_who_hadnt_seen_each_other_in_30/
%
What do you call people whose birth control method is pulling out?

Parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i646q/what_do_you_call_people_whose_birth_control/
%
A father was playing with his son in the garden...

When suddenly the father grabs his chest and says to his son, "Son, call me an ambulance quickly"
The son thought for a second and said "You are an ambulance"
"I am damn proud of you son" said the father with his last breath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i5z2g/a_father_was_playing_with_his_son_in_the_garden/
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A man is recovering from surgery.

A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him.
“How are you feeling?” she asks.
“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.”
“What did he say?” the nurse asks.
“Oops.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i5ycq/a_man_is_recovering_from_surgery/
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Blonde at the Super Bowl

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the super bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i5wmc/blonde_at_the_super_bowl/
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What do you call a hard drive after sex?

A floppy disc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i5v6p/what_do_you_call_a_hard_drive_after_sex/
%
Why do elephants paint their toenails red.

A: To hide in the cherry trees!
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree??  Then I guess it works!
(As told by my mid-70s, overall wearin, Southern Comfort drinkin neighbor.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i5rd3/why_do_elephants_paint_their_toenails_red/
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One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."
The husband says "Who is his father?"
The wife says **"You are."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i5qb5/one_day_a_man_goes_to_his_wife_and_says_honey_ive/
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What do you call a person who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i5pxq/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_takes_care_of/
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A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter,

"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, **I want a cheeseburger."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i5pqe/a_man_stands_in_front_of_a_food_truck_and_reads/
%
Genie: What is your first wish?

Me: I want to be rich!
Genie: Granted. And what would your second wish be?
Rich: I want a whole lot of money..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i5img/genie_what_is_your_first_wish/
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Fat Free French Fries

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.
“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy.
He ordered some.
He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.
“Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free.”
“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i5i4p/fat_free_french_fries/
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I used to date my english teacher

but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i5h2l/i_used_to_date_my_english_teacher/
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If Russia is the Motherland and Germany is the Fatherland...

Does that mean the world wars were two cases of domestic violence?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i5fjl/if_russia_is_the_motherland_and_germany_is_the/
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I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i5a04/i_am_absolutely_exhausted_from_my_french/
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Superglue comes with a warning: "Caution - Instantly bonds skin." But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: "Caution - Instantly bonds kin."

That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i59yr/superglue_comes_with_a_warning_caution_instantly/
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A Duck is standing on the side of the road waiting a for break in the traffic...

A chicken walks up to him and says “Don’t do it, you’ll never hear the end of it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i59aq/a_duck_is_standing_on_the_side_of_the_road/
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When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i57ee/when_i_drink_alcohol_people_call_me_alcoholic_but/
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Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.

I like to play Muffin Roulette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i50hf/whenever_i_make_chocolate_chip_or_blueberry/
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What do the mitochondria and a prison generator have in common?

They are both the powerhouse of the cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i4x0a/what_do_the_mitochondria_and_a_prison_generator/
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Why is North Korea so evil?

It has no Seoul...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i4wef/why_is_north_korea_so_evil/
%
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She called the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i4ujw/returning_home_from_work_a_blonde_was_shocked_to/
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A mortician needed to identify a body, so he requested the help of the deceased's two good friends.

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
(edit:: was just removed from /r/jokes for no good reason whatsoever. Do the mods just do whatever they want or is there a guideline they need to follow? So ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i4rfk/a_mortician_needed_to_identify_a_body_so_he/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i4o7t/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Why do women get paid so much to donate their eggs?

Sex cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i4mto/why_do_women_get_paid_so_much_to_donate_their_eggs/
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If Jaiden Animations did anything wrong.

Just know she's sAri.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i4k1k/if_jaiden_animations_did_anything_wrong/
%
Marriage

is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i4k11/marriage/
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I like to whisper romantic things after sex

Like “ Hey... go home”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i4gjv/i_like_to_whisper_romantic_things_after_sex/
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I think of my co-workers as a second family

Because I didn't get to choose any and I hate them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i4fir/i_think_of_my_coworkers_as_a_second_family/
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Three nurses who were working in a morgue, discover a dead man with a hard on.

The 1st nurse says "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him.
The 2nd nurse does the same.
The 3rd nurse hesitates, and explains that she is on her period, but she does him anyway.
Then suddenly the man sits up, and the nurses quickly apologize, saying they thought he was dead.
The man replies "Well, I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fucking great!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i4bkk/three_nurses_who_were_working_in_a_morgue/
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What is a ninjas favorite section at the book store?

Stealth Help

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i4aqz/what_is_a_ninjas_favorite_section_at_the_book/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first orders a liter
The second orders a half liter
The third orders a quarter liter
The fourth orders a 1/8th of a liter
The fifth orders a 1/16th of a liter
Eventually the bartender pours 2 liters and says, "you mathematicians. you just don't know your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i482c/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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NSFW Fresh out of prison, this long time con tries out for a job playing at a piano bar...

So he plays a song for the bar owner who loves it. He gushes. “Incredible! You wrote that in prison?! What's the name of it?”
“I call that one “I smacked down the hooker who was sucking my cock!””
Taken back, the owner just gestures him on. “Play another!”
Again, a beautiful tune. The fellows fingers were like magic. “And what's that one called?”
“That one is “I probably shouldn't have killed your dog but he kept shitting in my yard, so fuck you.””
The owner was aghast. “Where do you get these names?” He asks.
“Well, everytime a new con showed up, I'd write a song named after what they were convicted for.”
The owned laughs understanding. “Alright, alright. You're hired… under one condition. You never tell anyone the names of your songs.”
Shaking hands, the con leaves the interview.
Later…
A fantastic Saturday night. The bar is mobbed. Everyone is there to see the new piano virtuoso. He played all night. Never a missed note, never a bad song. Everyone danced. Everyone loved him and was buying him drinks.
After seven or eight shots, he stumbled off to be bathroom. Drunk as he was, when he returned, he had forgotten to zip up his drawers. Standing by the piano and taking another drink, someone called to him.
“Hey. Do you know your cock is out and you're flashing the whole fucking bar?!”
The piano player smiled. “Do I know it?! Hell, I wrote it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i47en/nsfw_fresh_out_of_prison_this_long_time_con_tries/
%
How did Luke make it across Endor after he crashed his speeder bike?

Ewoked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i44c5/how_did_luke_make_it_across_endor_after_he/
%
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it

He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i43im/at_the_hearings_kavanaugh_was_asked_how_he_would/
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No wonder fortnite is so popular among school children

Who doesn’t love hopping off the bus and shooting everybody in sight?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i43cw/no_wonder_fortnite_is_so_popular_among_school/
%
Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?
Woman: I don’t know, I mean I didn’t get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!
Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn’t that sound suspiciously cheap to you?
Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked the entire listing and it said plain and clear
One hundred boxes of tampons for $1...
...no strings attached!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i437q/woman_goes_to_a_doctor_with_a_tampon_lodged/
%
What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot, you fucking racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i40tc/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_flying_a_plane/
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What do you call a female crab who is also single?

Miss. Shell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i3zvw/what_do_you_call_a_female_crab_who_is_also_single/
%
A friend of mine recently got rid of his STD

It only took him 18 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars, but he no longer has to pay child support!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i3sbx/a_friend_of_mine_recently_got_rid_of_his_std/
%
Why did Karl Marx hate classical music?

Because of the violins inherent in the system.
(In true r/Jokes spirit this one's not originally mine but I'm not sure where it came from. It's definitely one of my favourites though)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i3rdj/why_did_karl_marx_hate_classical_music/
%
What kind of lotion do bullfighters use?

Olay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i3oul/what_kind_of_lotion_do_bullfighters_use/
%
“You have a really cool name!”

Thanks! I got it for my Birthday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i3nzy/you_have_a_really_cool_name/
%
Mailman Gets an Interesting Christmas Gift

Joe the mailman was on his usual rounds in late December when he came upon the Jones residence, finding to his surprise that Mrs. Jones was standing in the doorway in sexy lingerie beckoning him inside. Not one to question a good thing, Joe followed her inside, where she showed him the night of his life. After waking up the next morning, Joe came downstairs to find a sumptuous breakfast prepared by Mrs. Jones including bacon, eggs, pancakes and a mug of steaming hot coffee resting on a single dollar bill.
“Ma’am, I don’t want to question a good thing, but I have to know... what’s with the dollar?” Asked Joe.
“Oh, I asked my husband what to give you for Christmas. He said, ‘Fuck’em. Give him a dollar.’” Then, with a wink: “The breakfast was my idea!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i3n89/mailman_gets_an_interesting_christmas_gift/
%
A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor

He picks him up, and the guy falls down.  He picks him up, guy falls down again.  Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet.  When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground.
The bartender bangs on the door and the guy's wife answers.  "Here's your drunken bum of a husband," the bartender says
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i3met/a_bartender_is_closing_up_and_sees_a_customer/
%
Pilot says to the passengers on a 747 Jumbo Jet one of the engines has failed but don't worry it only adds quarter of hour to the journey then a second and third engine fail Captain says don't worry it will only add another hour and half to the journey, Paddy says:

Fucking hell if the fourth engine fails, we could be up here all day...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i3lvn/pilot_says_to_the_passengers_on_a_747_jumbo_jet/
%
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's bill withers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i3jpu/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
%
(Long) Crashing Plane

The pilot comes on the intercom and announces "ladies and gentlemen we just lost our engines, we are going down, prepare to crash."
A woman jumps up screaming "I AM NOT READY TO DIE, I"M STILL A VIRGIN, SOMEONE MAKE A WOMAN OUT OF ME!
A good looking guy gets up, walks to her, and takes off his shirt showing his muscular chest and six pack abs,
He throws it at her and says; " Here, iron this".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i3hsf/long_crashing_plane/
%
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i3g9o/donald_trump_and_barack_obama_ended_up_at_the/
%
What's DoodleBob's favourite drink?

Mi hoy LaCroix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i3ec2/whats_doodlebobs_favourite_drink/
%
What is a dog in a vehicle?

A carpet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i3bqo/what_is_a_dog_in_a_vehicle/
%
Mexican Firetruck

A man lived right on the US side of the border between US and Mexico. One day his house caught on fire. He called 911, the operator said it would take the fire department 30 minutes to get there.
Panicking, he drove across the border, found the Mexican fire department and offered them $10,000 if they put out the fire.
The fire chief summoned his men, they all got on the fire truck and took off across the river at an amazing rate of speed. They got near the house and just kept going, they passed it up and turned back, eventually doing a big continuous doughnut around the house at 60 miles an hour! They turned on their hoses, sprayed the fire, and put the fire out.
The owner was so relived, he asked them what they were going to do with the money.
The Fire Chief replied "The first thing I'm going to do is get those brakes fixed"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i3b9i/mexican_firetruck/
%
What did the butt plug say to the other butt plug.

Nothing because the were both up tight assholes.
A variation on the Tampon classic (i.e. they were stuck up cunts).  Sorry if this has been done, it just occured to me as I was walking down the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i38bs/what_did_the_butt_plug_say_to_the_other_butt_plug/
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To the person the stole my antidepressants:

I hope you're happy now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i352q/to_the_person_the_stole_my_antidepressants/
%
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.

...And his wife is livid.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!
“No,” slurs the mathematician...
“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i32e7/a_mathematician_stumbles_home_drunk_at_3_am/
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Why are there no K-marts in syria

Because there are targets everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i30mh/why_are_there_no_kmarts_in_syria/
%
What happened when the politician took viagra

He got taller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i302x/what_happened_when_the_politician_took_viagra/
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The Only Thing Flat-Earther's have to Fear...

Is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i2o35/the_only_thing_flatearthers_have_to_fear/
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What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i2k9e/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
What did the red army call their snipers?

Marxmen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i2hia/what_did_the_red_army_call_their_snipers/
%
I used to work at a paper company.

But it folded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i2fqm/i_used_to_work_at_a_paper_company/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have 2 bucks and a pile of fake bills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i2ewn/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
A lumberjack is walking through the woods one day...

...when he hears a strange noise. Someone... or something... is talking to him.
"Please..." the voice says, "Don't hurt me."
He stops, looks around, and notices one tree in the middle of a small clearing. "Are you a talking tree?" the lumberjack inquires.
"Yes... Please don't cut me down, I can help you. I'm a talking tree, for God's sake!" the tree answers.
The lumberjack hesitates, then says, "Yes, and you will die a log."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i2db1/a_lumberjack_is_walking_through_the_woods_one_day/
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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i2arw/genie_i_will_grant_you_3_wishes/
%
Why do dads tell dad jokes?

Because they're full-groan men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i29pl/why_do_dads_tell_dad_jokes/
%
Julius Caesar goes to a nightclub with his friends

While there he breaks off from his group of friends to talk to an attractive young woman. His friends don't see him for the rest of the night, and the next morning they're all eager to find out how it went. So when they next see him they ask him what happened.
"Vidi, vici, veni" replies Ceasar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i28bi/julius_caesar_goes_to_a_nightclub_with_his_friends/
%
Why did the French ghost smell so bad?

He was covered in sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i2819/why_did_the_french_ghost_smell_so_bad/
%
My hairdresser asked me how I wanted my hair cut

Me : Anything that will make me look good
Hairdresser : oh uhm.  \**awkward silence*\*   I can try

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i248f/my_hairdresser_asked_me_how_i_wanted_my_hair_cut/
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I wrote down all the names of the people I hate, and my friend used it to roll his weed.

He is now high on my list of people I never want to see again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i22gh/i_wrote_down_all_the_names_of_the_people_i_hate/
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Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i2204/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
%
My bag had a hole in it.

Rip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i21ch/my_bag_had_a_hole_in_it/
%
I never liked those russian dolls

They're so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1wpw/i_never_liked_those_russian_dolls/
%
What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn't native?

An artificial swedener
Badum tss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1vza/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_lives_in_sweden_but/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills.

The man asks "what's that jar for?" The bartender replies "well if you complete the challenge, you get that entire jar"  the man says "there's got to be at least $2500 in there, what's the challenge?" The Bartender says "well first, you have to knock that guy out of his stool" the bartender point at a body builder sitting across the bar "after that, there's a doberman with a rotten tooth in the bathroom, you have to remove the tooth. And after that, there's an 80 year old nymphomaniac women upstairs you need to please. It's $100 for one try." The man hands the bartender $100 and runs up to the body builder and punches him out of his seat, then he rushes into the bathroom, you can hear barking, screaming,and howling come from the bathroom, after about 30 minutes the man rushes out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles and says to the bartender "ok, where's the old lady with the rotten tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1ut8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_jar_full_of_100/
%
What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1un4/what_do_you_call_a_handjob_from_stephen_hawking/
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An indian lady visited a bar for the first time

She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender.
The guy sitting on her left said: "Jack Daniels, Single"
The guy on her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"
Then the bartender looked at the lady & said: “And you..?”
The lady replied: "Parmjeet kaur, Married.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1uf9/an_indian_lady_visited_a_bar_for_the_first_time/
%
I dont drink anymore ...

But I don't drink any less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1tpf/i_dont_drink_anymore/
%
"What are you going to tell your wife about how you lost your eye?"

"I have no idea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1n86/what_are_you_going_to_tell_your_wife_about_how/
%
What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1n04/what_did_buddha_say_to_the_hot_dog_vendor/
%
What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?

Molasses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1mci/what_do_you_call_6021023_butts/
%
An old widower goes into a brothel

.
"I want someone who reminds me of my deceased wife," he says.
"Certainly," the madam replies. "Now, was she blonde or brunette?"
"I don't remember." Says the widower.
"Well, was she short or tall?"
"I don't remember."
"Was she petite or voluptuous?"
"I don't remember."
Growing impatient, the madam asks, "What the hell *do* you remember?"
To which he replies "Nothing-that's why I want someone who reminds me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1m0s/an_old_widower_goes_into_a_brothel/
%
What do you call a magician who doesn’t do magic?

Ian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1koo/what_do_you_call_a_magician_who_doesnt_do_magic/
%
What is the difference between an old bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1fsy/what_is_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_stop/
%
At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second.

Coincidently, that’s how the Catholic Church ranks it’s priorities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1em5/at_the_box_office_this_weekend_predator_took/
%
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off

I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1asm/i_got_lead_poisoning_from_a_dr_pepper_knockoff/
%
If seducing someone is referred to as pelvic sorcery

Does that mean for a few days a month it's classed blood magic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i1907/if_seducing_someone_is_referred_to_as_pelvic/
%
I read about a man who hanged himself.

It was in the noosepaper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i16qh/i_read_about_a_man_who_hanged_himself/
%
Why was Miss Piggy late for rehearsals?

She had a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i16kw/why_was_miss_piggy_late_for_rehearsals/
%
I was dared to eat a spoonful of dry ice.

It tasted sublime!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i16kb/i_was_dared_to_eat_a_spoonful_of_dry_ice/
%
What do you call a hooker who only does Orgys?

A crowd pleaser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i15vl/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_who_only_does_orgys/
%
What do Vampires learn at school?

Alpha-bat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i12yw/what_do_vampires_learn_at_school/
%
After that whole ring fiasco, Gandalf was in the Shire talking to Merry and Pippen..

"So, you went through the dark forest and met my friends the tree hearders. The Ents. Tell me about your journey."
Merry began. "They were all so big and mean and full of energy. All they did was rant and insult us!"
"Most of them, yes!" added Pippen. "Then we met old Gnarly Bark and his friends. They were much more sedate and relaxed. In fact, they told us so many funny stories and jokes."
Gandalf smiled, smoking his pipe. "I guess you could say their Bark was worse than their bite."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0yz9/after_that_whole_ring_fiasco_gandalf_was_in_the/
%
Two bats were hanging upside down in a cave

The first bat asks the second, “Do you remember the worst day of your life?”
“I sure do," said the second bat. "It was the day I had diarrhea.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0xkx/two_bats_were_hanging_upside_down_in_a_cave/
%
If a farmer keeps telling the same joke over and over again to a cow

Would you say he's milking it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0xac/if_a_farmer_keeps_telling_the_same_joke_over_and/
%
I'm very grateful that somebody invented window blinds...

Otherwise it would be curtains for all of us!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0ww3/im_very_grateful_that_somebody_invented_window/
%
What do you call a rabbi who knows karate?

Jiu Jitsu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0vzo/what_do_you_call_a_rabbi_who_knows_karate/
%
Three atoms, hydrogen, helium, and oxygen walk into a bar.

They go up to the bartender, Germanium, and start to order their drinks, but soon realise they are short on cash.
Hydrogen says to Germanium, "Hey man, we've had a long week, bonding is hard. If we can make you laugh, can we drink for free tonight?"
Germanium thinks about it for a minute before agreeing to the proposition.
Hydrogen tries first. "Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, I'll have some H20. The second says I'll have some H202!"
Germanium grunts and rolls his eyes. "You seriously think I haven't heard that one before?"
Helium goes next. "Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says 'we don't serve noble gasses here.' Helium doesn't react!"
Germanium smiles a bit. Helium asks "was I close?" Germanium replies, " No, just ironic. Neither helium is getting served."
Oxygen replies, "Now hang on, I still get to try. Did you here that oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK!"
All three atoms look expectantly upward toward Germanium's face, but alas, not even a smile.
Oxygen looks around at his friends, realizing they had lost. Gesturing towards Germanium, he says "Lets go guys, this is clearly no laughing matter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0q31/three_atoms_hydrogen_helium_and_oxygen_walk_into/
%
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex....

I was sore and bloody at the end, but at least my Dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0psa/my_first_highschool_football_game_was_a_lot_like/
%
Kids in a hospital

Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, You've got nothing to worry about.  I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.  It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.  Couldn't walk for a year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0nvz/kids_in_a_hospital/
%
Why do Marx and Engels only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0n3d/why_do_marx_and_engels_only_drink_herbal_tea/
%
Several feminist organizations have attacked the postal service for the use of the word "Mailman"...

In response to the demands, they've switched to "Femaleman".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0mu6/several_feminist_organizations_have_attacked_the/
%
They say you can't buy happiness,

But between you and me, I know a guy.
Of course, he calls it ecstasy, but it's the same stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0j89/they_say_you_cant_buy_happiness/
%
Historical wife

Two men are at the pub and it's 2 AM. One of them says it'd be in his best interest if he would leave now. "When I stay away for too long, my wife gets historical."
The other man replies: "That's not a bad idea actually. I can tell you've had enough beer. You're looking for the word 'hysterical'."
"No," replies the man, "I really meant historical. She will remind me of every little thing I ever did wrong in the past."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0j59/historical_wife/
%
What do you call Fortnite with cows?

A cattle royale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0i3l/what_do_you_call_fortnite_with_cows/
%
Telemarketer

A telemarketer calls a house, and a little boy answers the phone.
"Hello, little boy, is your father home?"
"No.
"Well, is your mother home?"
"No."
"Well, is there anyone else here I can speak to about an incredible opportunity?"
"Um, my sister's here."
"Can I speak to your sister, then?"
"Sure".
The boy puts down the phone and there's mostly silence for the next 5 minutes.  Then the boy returns to the phone.
"Sorry, but my sister can't come to the phone right now."
"Oh, unfortunate.  Why not?"
"I can't get her our of her crib"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0b2y/telemarketer/
%
BREAKING NEWS!

Two tanker ships collided and sank in the southern Pacific Ocean yesterday.  One was filled with red paint and the other, smaller tanker, was filled with blue paint.  All crew members survived but now are marooned on an uninhabited island.
(Thanks to The Two Ronnies for this oldie)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0aw5/breaking_news/
%
Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and the other one of all brunettes...

reserve a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament.
The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.
The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i09yv/two_bowling_teams_one_made_up_of_all_blondes_and/
%
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day

"In English," he said. "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up,
"Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i0982/an_mit_linguistics_professor_was_lecturing_his/
%
I have many jokes about unemployed people,

sadly none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i08w8/i_have_many_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
Why is development in airplane engineering so slow?

Everyone is afraid to make a ground breaking design.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i05cq/why_is_development_in_airplane_engineering_so_slow/
%
I accidentally swallowed a string and when it came back out the other end, it was tied in a perfect little bow.

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i027f/i_accidentally_swallowed_a_string_and_when_it/
%
When Gandhi was on his first hunger strike

People would routinely bring him flattened bread in an attempt to get him to eat. What people don't understand though is that Gandhi was actually a very temperamental man, and prone to anger. So even when his friends and family were the ones bringing him bread, he would take it and hurl it at them, sometimes leaving bruises and welts. He justified it by saying it was all a part of his philosophy of naan-violence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i009m/when_gandhi_was_on_his_first_hunger_strike/
%
What does the rich rabbit wear?

24 carrots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9i008i/what_does_the_rich_rabbit_wear/
%
Funny how when other people repost a joke, they get thousands of upvotes, but when I repost one...

It's this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzz9u/funny_how_when_other_people_repost_a_joke_they/
%
Which came first? Chicken or egg?

The rooster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzyyf/which_came_first_chicken_or_egg/
%
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's and cancer.

Patient: Thank God it's not Alzheimer's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzy6s/doctor_you_have_alzheimers_and_cancer/
%
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzx4m/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant/
%
[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.

One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.  His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage.  You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time.  And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space.  And you know that boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it.  I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment.  And what's the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?"
Bob got a horrified look on his face.
She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?”
He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
"Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”
Bob replied, "I wasn't..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzwjc/long_one_evening_after_the_honeymoon_bob_was/
%
Fun fact: Mr. Spock had three ears:

The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzsjl/fun_fact_mr_spock_had_three_ears/
%
"We dont serve time-traveller here" said the bartender

A time-traveller walks into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzsgy/we_dont_serve_timetraveller_here_said_the/
%
Why did the blind man fall into a well?

Because he didn’t see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzqx5/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_a_well/
%
Reading Braille is actually really easy.

I could do it with my eyes closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzou1/reading_braille_is_actually_really_easy/
%
The owner of a Chinese restaurant is doing his wife

He says I want 69.  His wife replies why you want beef and broccoli right now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzkn1/the_owner_of_a_chinese_restaurant_is_doing_his/
%
Why is a baby chicken less expensive than an adult one?

Because it's a little cheeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzjf9/why_is_a_baby_chicken_less_expensive_than_an/
%
Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.

The house is still messed up as usual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzixo/dave_got_his_wife_a_french_maids_costume_to_get/
%
The way I combed my hair in 7th grade

is the worst part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzeub/the_way_i_combed_my_hair_in_7th_grade/
%
Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old crying?

Mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzcwo/why_was_the_antivaxxers_4_year_old_crying/
%
I hate it when people talk behind my back.

I guess I wasn't made to be a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hzc7k/i_hate_it_when_people_talk_behind_my_back/
%
I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hz7cy/i_asked_my_aunthow_much_is_a_couple/
%
My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: turns in gun and badge
My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hz6t3/my_boss_youre_fired/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hz6fi/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
Someone somewhere out there is thinking about you and the positive impact you had on their lives.

It's not me. I think you're messed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hz4ri/someone_somewhere_out_there_is_thinking_about_you/
%
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so...

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hyzkq/a_young_blonde_woman_is_distraught_because_she/
%
What did the pyromaniacs say when their kid told them he wanted to be a firefighter?

*gasp*  YOU'RE NOT ARSON ANYMORE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hywf7/what_did_the_pyromaniacs_say_when_their_kid_told/
%
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hyuxn/man_on_a_first_date_how_do_you_feel_about_sex/
%
My mother's sister is an angry baker

She's my croissant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hyuck/my_mothers_sister_is_an_angry_baker/
%
Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches
Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed
the Federal government to provide for the common defense!"
He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of
Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the
same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground,
Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate
where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination,
he screams "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians
waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hysy8/osama_goes_to_heaven/
%
Your momma's so fat

Thanos had to clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hyser/your_mommas_so_fat/
%
As a kid my favorite superhero was The Flash and my favorite animal was the cheetah,

I guess that explains why I'm now addicted to speed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hyscp/as_a_kid_my_favorite_superhero_was_the_flash_and/
%
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool

.  After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.  In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hyr48/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar_and_find_his_way_to_a/
%
What did the D say to the B

Nice belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hyqg2/what_did_the_d_say_to_the_b/
%
How do you get a fat girl in to bed??

Piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hymgp/how_do_you_get_a_fat_girl_in_to_bed/
%
What is Jaden Smith when he’s angry?

An icon livid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hylok/what_is_jaden_smith_when_hes_angry/
%
I tried to make a barometer joke

But the pressure was too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hyg2z/i_tried_to_make_a_barometer_joke/
%
Pravda

In 1996, after Pravda ceased publication, a Russian man goes to a newspaper vendor.
Man: Give me a copy of Pravda, please.
Vendor: I'm sorry. Pravda has shut down. It's no longer available.
The man nods and leaves. A few minutes later he returns.
Man: I want to buy a copy of Pravda.
Vendor: I told you. It's no longer published.
Man goes away.
Ten minutes longer he returns and again asks for a copy of Pravda.
Vendor: Mister, are you hard of hearing or stupid? I told you twice that this newspaper has ceased publication! Now get lost!
Man: I'm neither stupid nor hard of hearing. The fact is, I'm so happy to hear that there's no Pravda now that I want to hear it again and again, and again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hyfg0/pravda/
%
What’s it called when a short person waves?

Microwave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hycpa/whats_it_called_when_a_short_person_waves/
%
Two hillbillies are discussing plans for dinner

After throwing ideas back and forth of what to cook, their eyes catch some roadkill on the side of the road. One of them eagerly suggests, "how about Himalayan Woodchuck?"
"Himalayan Woodchuck?" the other hillbilly scoffed. "What in the devil is that?"
"You know," the other says, gesturing towards the corpse, "because we found Himalayan on the side of the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hybk2/two_hillbillies_are_discussing_plans_for_dinner/
%
Men's jeans haven't really been working out for me, so I decided to try on women's jeans.

Then I realized it was the closest I'll ever get into a girl's pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hy742/mens_jeans_havent_really_been_working_out_for_me/
%
Telltale games is closing down.

'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hy5r5/telltale_games_is_closing_down/
%
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier

So going to the bathroom could spell disaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hy298/i_ate_a_bunch_of_scrabble_pieces_earlier/
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Anti Vaxxers.

We should be fascinated in the way anti-vaxxers cling to the phrase “the research”. It must be something they all pass around to each other.
You know, like measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxu5y/anti_vaxxers/
%
Never trust an atom.

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxqlu/never_trust_an_atom/
%
He: I'm gonna eat you when I come home.

She: I have sardines with tomato juice.
He: You didn't understand me.
She: Neither did you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxqec/he_im_gonna_eat_you_when_i_come_home/
%
Why didn't Rihanna date Tommy Wiseau?

Because he did not hit her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxqaz/why_didnt_rihanna_date_tommy_wiseau/
%
Home depot is the best brothel

The vacuum sucks, the fan blows, the hammer bangs and they have plenty of pots to plant your seed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxng2/home_depot_is_the_best_brothel/
%
Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses

You'll still eat it you fat fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxnaf/press_the_lid_of_an_ice_cream_container_before/
%
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?"

The horse, being a horse and thus unable to speak or comprehend the
complexities of conversation, does not reply and shits on the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxm5y/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_barman_says_why/
%
Pope Francis is super early for his flight and asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while.

So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxlqp/pope_francis_is_super_early_for_his_flight_and/
%
What's an Irishmans favourite saying?

Whale oil beef hooked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxkyc/whats_an_irishmans_favourite_saying/
%
A mushroom walks into a bar and sidles up to a stool.

Bartender: “You’ll need to leave. We don’t serve your kind here.”
Mushroom: “Why not? I’m a . . . fun-gi.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxhb2/a_mushroom_walks_into_a_bar_and_sidles_up_to_a/
%
A person with multiple sclerosis walks into a bar...

and a chair....
and a table...
and the wall...
...you get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxg1e/a_person_with_multiple_sclerosis_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.

When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree.
The couple accepts gladly the procedure.
The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's probably more pain that the father could ever bear.
But when the labor started, the husband was feeling okay and he asked the doctor to raise the level.
The doctor raised the transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling good. The former checked the blood pressure of the latter and he was surprised by how good he was reacting.
At this point, both decided to raise the transfer up to 50%. The husband was STILL feeling good.
Since the transfer of pain was really helping the wife, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The woman gave birth to a healthy child and virtually with no pain. She and her husband were really happy.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxfuz/a_newlywed_couple_goes_to_the_hospital_to_give/
%
You gotta love communism.

Or else.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxfot/you_gotta_love_communism/
%
Paratrooper

How many successful jumps does a paratrooper have to make before he is ready for combat?
All of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxe55/paratrooper/
%
How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hxdl1/how_many_grammar_nazis_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
How many union members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. It's the other guy's job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hx3o6/how_many_union_members_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
If CNN released photos of Stormy Daniels & Trump

Do you know what he'd call them?
Fake Nudes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hx00h/if_cnn_released_photos_of_stormy_daniels_trump/
%
If a man speaks in the forest...

....and his wife is not with him, is he still wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hwyp1/if_a_man_speaks_in_the_forest/
%
[nsfw] Dad to his shy son -"Do you know what your brother said after he lost his virginity?"

Dad to his shy son -"Do you know what your brother said after he lost his virginity?"
Son- Oh dad ,please dont.
Dad- Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hwybl/nsfw_dad_to_his_shy_son_do_you_know_what_your/
%
My girlfriend cried out the wrong name during sex...

I don't know who "Stop" is, but I kept going down on her anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hwsdp/my_girlfriend_cried_out_the_wrong_name_during_sex/
%
It's a good thing Breaking Bad wasn't made in England.

A show about a school teacher going to NHS for cancer treatments would suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hwo9a/its_a_good_thing_breaking_bad_wasnt_made_in/
%
What’s the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hwlnd/whats_the_definition_of_trust/
%
I know this guy who told me he ages backwards.

I don't know though, he was always kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hwjs1/i_know_this_guy_who_told_me_he_ages_backwards/
%
"Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game.

It's too weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hwj6h/fortnite_is_a_terrible_name_for_a_game/
%
A joke from my 10 year old son. How do you stop an attack from a snowman?

Kick him in the snow balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hwgyx/a_joke_from_my_10_year_old_son_how_do_you_stop_an/
%
The doctor said that my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hwgs6/the_doctor_said_that_my_voice_box_is_damaged_and/
%
What happens when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?

Pick it up, pull out the pin and throw it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hwg0w/what_happens_when_a_blonde_throws_a_hand_grenade/
%
What breed of dog is magical?

The Labra-Cadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hwe2g/what_breed_of_dog_is_magical/
%
The president is at a political meet and greet in a restaurant, meeting with people and doing the usual schmoozing.

A young man comes up to him and shakes his hand.  He says to the president, “it’s an honor to meet you sir, and I was hoping you could help me out.  I’m meeting a girl for our first date in a few minutes, and if you stopped by our table, y’know, just to say hi as if we’re good friends, I’d look like a real big shot.”
The president smirks to himself, and asks for his name.  The young guy says his name is Robert, gestures over to a table in the corner, and gives a thumbs up.
The president goes back for another 20 minutes of shaking hands and posing for pictures, and eventually looks over to the corner, seeing that the young couple is sitting at the table together.  So as planned, he walks over to the table, taps him on the shoulder and says, “Robert!  It’s so good to see you here!  I thought I’d come over to say hi!”
The man turns and looks him straight in the eye and says, “goddamnit, Donald, can’t you see I’m busy?  Fuck off!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hwbs6/the_president_is_at_a_political_meet_and_greet_in/
%
What do you call a bunch of Chinese people, yelling in the other room....

I don't know how to tell my neighbor to quiet down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hwbq2/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_chinese_people/
%
What do you call a fiery bird that can’t fly?

A Joaquin Phoenix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hwaz6/what_do_you_call_a_fiery_bird_that_cant_fly/
%
I'm opening a new store.

Liquor in the front, and poker in the rear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hw9pd/im_opening_a_new_store/
%
I just lost my mood ring

I don’t know how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hw1fq/i_just_lost_my_mood_ring/
%
How funny are jokes about communism?

Equally as funny as any other joke.
Lol just spent the last 3 hours kinda piecing this together,  hope someone likes it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hw0sf/how_funny_are_jokes_about_communism/
%
What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M’laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hw0mk/what_does_an_african_neck_beard_mosquito_say/
%
Dogs can't operate mri's

But catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvy70/dogs_cant_operate_mris/
%
At the gym

ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: * gestures to vending machine *
Right over there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvy2o/at_the_gym/
%
A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe enter a bar; the bartender eyes them quizzically and asks, "what're you up to with all that?"

The lion responds gruffly, "Narnia business!"
... I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvx46/a_lion_a_witch_and_a_wardrobe_enter_a_bar_the/
%
I pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender says...

**Bartender:** Uh (pointing down), you know you have a ship's wheel hanging from your testicles?
**Pirate:** Aye! (nodding his head while removing his pipe), and it's driving me nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvx2i/i_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender_says/
%
What has 3 sides, 4 corners, and 4 faces?

A USB drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvupo/what_has_3_sides_4_corners_and_4_faces/
%
Dark humor is like cancer,

It's uncomfortable but it grows on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvqfd/dark_humor_is_like_cancer/
%
Why do hospitals have air conditioning that makes it so cold?

It's because vegetables last longer when kept chilled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvqeh/why_do_hospitals_have_air_conditioning_that_makes/
%
If a man says something but no woman hears him...

is he still wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvmt9/if_a_man_says_something_but_no_woman_hears_him/
%
A student tells his teacher he is sexually exhausted from the weekend and therefore cannot do his schoolwork, the teacher says

“then use your other hand”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvkyb/a_student_tells_his_teacher_he_is_sexually/
%
I would hate to have a gay dad

I would rather have two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hviiq/i_would_hate_to_have_a_gay_dad/
%
A man goes into a hispanic themed restaurant...

He grabs the menu... He couldn't understand the food that was being served there. The waiter comes to his aid and says,
"Señor, what will you have?"
The man replies, "um... I think I'll have this... This here.. number 3"
The waiter responds, "Si Señor, you like the cojones ya?"
The man nods his head, ready to eat whatever befell him.
The waiter left an returned with two huge meatballs  Doused in some sauce. The man ate it and it was actually pretty good. Spicy, but good.
As he tipped the waiter, he asked.
"Can I know what meat, this is?"
The waiter replied... "It is the testicles of the bull that loses during the matador showdowns..."
"I see" replied the man. He leaves the restaurant.
The next day he returns and orders the same cojones.
This time, as the waiter goes, he returns with a very much smaller pair of meatballs...
The man is stunned.
He asks, "Sorry, what happened to the meat, it was much bigger last time."
The waiter replied, "Señor, the bull does not always lose the match."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvgr0/a_man_goes_into_a_hispanic_themed_restaurant/
%
A father and son were out walking one humid summer evening

Taking note of the weather, the son said, "Man, it sure is muggy out."
"Yeah," replied the father "I lost my wallet five minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvew4/a_father_and_son_were_out_walking_one_humid/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvdvb/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
The Funny Students

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvd2b/the_funny_students/
%
I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvciu/im_sick_of_my_wife_blowing_everything_out_of/
%
What does Yoko Ono and a spider have in common?

They both live off of dead beatles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hvc7d/what_does_yoko_ono_and_a_spider_have_in_common/
%
A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car.

A police officer, who was also a blonde, asked for the blondes license.
The blonde searches through her purse and gets more frustrated when she finally asks the officer "what does it look like?"
The officer says "it's a rectangle and it has your face on it".
Finally, the blonde takes out a small mirror and says "here you go". The officer looks at it and says "you can go, I didn't realise you were a cop".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hv5au/a_blonde_was_driving_faster_than_the_speed_limit/
%
Why don't water and kerosene mix?

Because the lighter fluid rises!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hv3gd/why_dont_water_and_kerosene_mix/
%
What did they say about the Swordsman’s outfit at the Met Gala?

That is was very Avant En Garde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hv1dl/what_did_they_say_about_the_swordsmans_outfit_at/
%
I still remember my first fortune cookie...

...and how much it tasted like paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hv01y/i_still_remember_my_first_fortune_cookie/
%
I must be Helicase

Cuz I wanna unzip your genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9huwuj/i_must_be_helicase/
%
What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9huwsz/what_sort_of_grades_did_tommy_wiseau_receive_in/
%
What does a Chinese person do when they have an erection?

Vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9huu9f/what_does_a_chinese_person_do_when_they_have_an/
%
How do you make a walnut laugh?

Crack it up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hutn8/how_do_you_make_a_walnut_laugh/
%
What's the most observant reptile?

An investi-gator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hur9f/whats_the_most_observant_reptile/
%
A horse walks into a bar

The bartender says “hey”
The horse says “...sure”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9huoch/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I was shocked when my ex fell down a wishing well.

I never knew they worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hunbf/i_was_shocked_when_my_ex_fell_down_a_wishing_well/
%
I had a dream about a muffler, and

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hub4i/i_had_a_dream_about_a_muffler_and/
%
My Girlfriend thinks i can set a world record for masturbation

Do you think I can pull it off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9huaae/my_girlfriend_thinks_i_can_set_a_world_record_for/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hua0v/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
My town’s population has remained constant over the last 30 years.

Whenever a girl gets pregnant, a guy skips town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hu7hd/my_towns_population_has_remained_constant_over/
%
What kinds of windows does 2 chains own?

TWO PANES.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hu5vc/what_kinds_of_windows_does_2_chains_own/
%
Three old ladies lived together.

1st old lady was in the bathroom on the second floor and she yelled to the other two, “I need help, I can’t remember if I was about to take a shower or if I already took it”. The second old lady was down stairs and she started going up the stairs to go help, but as she reached the second floor she stopped and wondered out loud, “did I come up the stairs or was I going down?” Seeing all this the third old lady who was sitting down started laughing and she muttered “I’m so glad I’m not as dumb and crazy as those two, oh knock on wood” and she knocked on the wooden table. She then got up and yelled to the other two “I’ll go help you but first I gotta go see who’s at the door”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hu4oh/three_old_ladies_lived_together/
%
A knight and a bunch of his men-at-arms were holding a castle.

Suddenly, one of the soldiers guarding the gate yells out:
-SIR, WE SEE A BATTALION IN THE DISTANCE!
The knight goes up the gatehouse and asks the soldier.
-So, what do you think? Friends or foes?
The soldier takes a look at the distant mass of men coming towards the castle, about a mile away.
-Well sir, I think they're friends.
-And what makes you think that? - Asked the knight.
-They wouldn't be huddling up together if they hated each other's guts would they?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hu0hp/a_knight_and_a_bunch_of_his_menatarms_were/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Numbers are an abstract human construct and so is fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9htw0z/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
what do you call 20 lesbians in a tree?

a country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9htqba/what_do_you_call_20_lesbians_in_a_tree/
%
What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way of getting down a hill?

Walking...
JK Rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9htmto/whats_harry_potters_favorite_way_of_getting_down/
%
Where do you write down stuff you never wanna do?

NopePad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9htljt/where_do_you_write_down_stuff_you_never_wanna_do/
%
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.
This was a repost for r/ModMurder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hti1e/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_forest_and_no_one_is/
%
I'm gonna have to find a new hairdresser...

...because I'm *sick* of this one talking behind my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hthvy/im_gonna_have_to_find_a_new_hairdresser/
%
I saw an old man get robbed by three guys today, so I decided to step in.

He didn't stand a chance against the four of us!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hthrp/i_saw_an_old_man_get_robbed_by_three_guys_today/
%
Guns don't kill people, people kill people.

But I'd rather take my chances against someone with a spoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hth39/guns_dont_kill_people_people_kill_people/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest actually accomplishes something when triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9htfa8/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical.

After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?" "No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9htf3y/an_elderly_man_goes_into_his_doctors_office_for/
%
What's brown and sits on a piano stool?

Beethoven's last movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9htcxm/whats_brown_and_sits_on_a_piano_stool/
%
With great power...

comes great electricity bills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9htbhx/with_great_power/
%
Why didnt the skeleton go to the party?

because it had no BODY to go with!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9htb4b/why_didnt_the_skeleton_go_to_the_party/
%
They should have known that communism wouldn't work

There were red flags all over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9htasy/they_should_have_known_that_communism_wouldnt_work/
%
What do you call a Spanish chicken on the moon?

Apollo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ht9vx/what_do_you_call_a_spanish_chicken_on_the_moon/
%
A beautiful woman walking into a sporting goods store...

She spends a few minutes shopping around until she finds a fishing rod that she would like to buy for herself. She picks it up and brings it to the front counter. When she arrives the only cashier is a blind man.
"Good choice" The blind man says "That rod is only $20 this week"
"How do yo know that?" Says the woman "You cannot see"
"Yes, but my sense of smell and hearing is impeccable. Drop the fishing rod on the counter and Ill tell you more about it."
The lady drops it on the cashiers table and says, "Ok tell me about it"
"The rod is made of graphite, 8 feet long with a left handed spool"
"Wow! You are amazing!" the woman says "Ill take it, do you accept credit card?"
"We sure do" He says. As he speaks the woman accidentally drops her credit card on the floor. As she leans over to pick it up she lets a little bit of wind pass. and the man says "MasterCard, good choice" Taken aback she thinks, damn this guy is good.
"Your total will be $32.38" he says.
"What? I thought the rod cost $20?" She says
"Yes, plus a duck call and bear mace" The old man says

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ht9sk/a_beautiful_woman_walking_into_a_sporting_goods/
%
What sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Go ask your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ht6gs/what_sexual_position_produces_the_ugliest_children/
%
A father and son are having a conversation

Son: I make better jokes than you do
Dad: I sincerely doubt it
Son: Alright then, tell me a joke
Dad: Pussy
*Son: I don't get it*
*Dad: I know you don't*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ht6bz/a_father_and_son_are_having_a_conversation/
%
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk

How dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ht2yc/a_man_just_attacked_me_with_cheese_and_milk/
%
A bird pooped and it landed on the man’s face.

Man: Such a blessing, Thank God, elephants don’t fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hsxo6/a_bird_pooped_and_it_landed_on_the_mans_face/
%
Here's a step-by-step guide on how to fall down the stairs.

Step 20
Step 19
Step 18
Step 15
Step 12
Step 9
Step 4
Step 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hsuna/heres_a_stepbystep_guide_on_how_to_fall_down_the/
%
What did the hipster say when a Starbucks opened in his neighbourhood?

“You can’t gentrify this place! I just moved here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hsuhi/what_did_the_hipster_say_when_a_starbucks_opened/
%
What do you call a gay piece of bread?

A faguette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hssds/what_do_you_call_a_gay_piece_of_bread/
%
I dated a Mongolian girl once

She was a real hoarder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hsrg4/i_dated_a_mongolian_girl_once/
%
Potato's in glasses are never the centre of attention.

They're just spec taters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hsmzf/potatos_in_glasses_are_never_the_centre_of/
%
How many kids with ADHD does it take to scew in a light bulb?

Let's go ride bikes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hsmg2/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_scew_in_a/
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The chicken saw a duck standing beside a road

. The chicken went up to the duck and said “don’t do it you’ll never hear the end of it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hsj8h/the_chicken_saw_a_duck_standing_beside_a_road/
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Little girl says to her mum, johnny showed me his willy today, it was just like a peanut, mum says what very small? girl replies...

No very salty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hsgl0/little_girl_says_to_her_mum_johnny_showed_me_his/
%
What vegetable makes your eyes water?

Have you ever been hit in the balls with a Turnip?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hsd7g/what_vegetable_makes_your_eyes_water/
%
Last Halloween i dressed up as Julius Caesar, and my friends ditched me

Talk about getting stabbed in the back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hsbab/last_halloween_i_dressed_up_as_julius_caesar_and/
%
I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny

Because he's my newt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hs4kd/i_got_a_pet_newt_and_i_named_him_tiny/
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My Marine Biologist friend was so excited about her job.

She said she's found her life porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hs42t/my_marine_biologist_friend_was_so_excited_about/
%
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hs0p9/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hrvjn/whats_black_and_screams/
%
I was walking through the park and seen two blondes

. One was digging a hole and the other was filling it in. I asked what was going on and they said there's usually three of us but the one who plants the tree in on the sick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hrtwd/i_was_walking_through_the_park_and_seen_two/
%
What has 6 balls and fucks Mexicans?

The California State Lottery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hrpmd/what_has_6_balls_and_fucks_mexicans/
%
Autocorrect sucks ass

I asked my son if he wanted to go rape some leaves
I meant girls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hrijo/autocorrect_sucks_ass/
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Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo

One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."
Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hri9f/fred_is_a_hippo_who_goes_to_a_university_where/
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Did you hear about the new cult that worships fabrics?

They're Satinists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hrh7x/did_you_hear_about_the_new_cult_that_worships/
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My girlfriend says I'm a fantasist and a compulsive liar.

That's a bit rich coming from someone who doesn't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hr9c1/my_girlfriend_says_im_a_fantasist_and_a/
%
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?

He hates capitalism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hr68j/why_does_karl_marx_write_in_lowercase/
%
What's something twitch streamers and Mosquitoes have in common?

They both hate being swatted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hr64a/whats_something_twitch_streamers_and_mosquitoes/
%
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?

Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hr34h/why_is_japan_the_healthiest_country_in_the_world/
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What did Super Mario's French teacher say when Mario mispronounced the word for "friend"?

It's *ami*, Mario!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hqzpp/what_did_super_marios_french_teacher_say_when/
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I got pulled over by the police...

He came to the window and said “papers”...
I said - scissors, I win - and drove away
He must be hungry for a rematch, he’s been chasing me for months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hqwzj/i_got_pulled_over_by_the_police/
%
A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow

.
"Wha- ... what? What's wrong?" he says blearily. He can barely see her in the dimness.
"Honey ... if I were to die and you remarried ... would you sleep with her in our bed?" she asks him anxiously.
He turns and looks at his bedside clock ... 3:14 a.m. ... then turns back to her.
"Hon ... can't this wait? I mean ... what-"
"Please," she says. "I need to know."
He thinks about it for a moment, gathering his muddled thoughts.
"Well ... it's a pretty new bed ... we've only had it a few years so ... I suppose so, yeah."
She considers this, then squeezes him arm again.
"And my clothes? What about my clothes? Would you ... would you let her wear my clothes?"
He glances toward the large walk-in closet, then turns back to her, a little exasperated.
"I dunno, hon ... maybe ... you have a lot of clothes." He sighs. "If they fit her and she wanted to, better than letting them go to waste, I guess."
She pauses again for a moment, taking this in.
"And my golf clubs? Would you let her use those?"
"No," he replies. "She's left-handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hqwfj/a_man_awakes_in_his_darkened_bedroom_to_find_his/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How are you going to pick up peanuts with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hqvlg/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
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I'm an experienced and seasoned driver

You should see my car's battle scars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hqu7n/im_an_experienced_and_seasoned_driver/
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Dr. Watson is performing an autopsy. Holmes ask if he’s found the cause of death.

Watson: It would appear the decedent had a bowel obstruction. It caused a rupture in the intestinal wall, creating a septic condition and ultimately, death.
Holmes: Wait, John, are you saying he died of...
Watson: No Shit, Sherlock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hqr1o/dr_watson_is_performing_an_autopsy_holmes_ask_if/
%
There's this weird phenomenon when it comes to jokes about Communism...

They're not funny unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hqq3o/theres_this_weird_phenomenon_when_it_comes_to/
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

First, the bulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hqhxs/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A farmer has triplets, and they're getting ready for prom night

.
The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him.
The second date arrives, and greeted by shotgun, nervously states, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're gonna see a show, can she go?" The farmer thinks for a moment, then lets Flo go with Joe.
The night's third suitor rings the bell. He says "My name is Chuck-" and the farmer shoots him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hqdpp/a_farmer_has_triplets_and_theyre_getting_ready/
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What's the difference between Jesus and picture of jesus?

You can hang the picture of Jesus with only one nail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hqdb5/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_picture_of/
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Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hqcdn/some_say_that_if_you_play_nickelback_backwards/
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I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hq608/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/
%
What do you call a mole that doesn't feel pain?

A Paracetamole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hq3fe/what_do_you_call_a_mole_that_doesnt_feel_pain/
%
Two men are in a car.

They are driving along a road in the middle of the night. One guy is sleeping, and the other is driving.
They drive for a while, and the man is woken up by a thud. "What was that?" He asks his friend. "Nothing, I just hit a deer. Go back to sleep." So the man goes back to sleep.
They drive for a bit longer, and the man is woken up again, this time by two thuds. "What was that?" He asks.
"Nothing, I hit two deer this time." So the man goes back to sleep.
The drive for a little while longer, and the man is woken up a third time. "Let me guess. You hit three deer?"
The friend replies, "Nah, I hit one, but I had to go through two fences to get 'em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hq1m0/two_men_are_in_a_car/
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Why did 7 eat 9 ?

it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hq0ww/why_did_7_eat_9/
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My buddy keeps saying "Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well...
**EDIT: This post was made for the ModMurder challenge today.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hq0vh/my_buddy_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
%
A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.

When they were asked  what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
"We  take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight  dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go  on Fridays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hpzr1/a_couple_celebrated_their_25th_wedding_anniversary/
%
What is a dolphin's favorite TV show ?

Whale of fortune !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hpzav/what_is_a_dolphins_favorite_tv_show/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter. He isn’t coming to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hpwk4/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Did you hear about the fencing teacher’s new, though unoriginal lesson?

The riposte, he called it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hpv57/did_you_hear_about_the_fencing_teachers_new/
%
My son finally landed a position as a software engineer. He proudly told me that his new job title will be “Java Developer.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that means he’ll be making the coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hpom5/my_son_finally_landed_a_position_as_a_software/
%
It turns out I'm Norwegian, Swedish, and Danish

Apparently there's more, but I can't Finnish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hpnm4/it_turns_out_im_norwegian_swedish_and_danish/
%
Me: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano once my arms heal again?

Doctor: Yes
Me: Oh that's amazing! I didn't know how to play before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hpmak/me_doctor_will_i_be_able_to_play_the_piano_once/
%
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero.

The Invisible Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hpjq6/as_a_child_i_always_thought_of_my_dad_as_a/
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A blonde was getting pretty desperate for money.

She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.
"I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay her.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hpim6/a_blonde_was_getting_pretty_desperate_for_money/
%
Did you head about the new corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hpgzw/did_you_head_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
%
A cyclops and his wife looking for their prefect holiday destination

Cyclops: How do you spell Hawaii?
Wife: Well... You need two i‘s...
Cyclops (putting the pen down): My life is just a joke to you isn’t it, Linda?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hpcws/a_cyclops_and_his_wife_looking_for_their_prefect/
%
What do a pizza a delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both sniff it but they can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hpcaa/what_do_a_pizza_a_delivery_guy_and_a_gynecologist/
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A nun arrives at heaven's gates and is met by St Peter

St Peter says:
"Sister Mary, you have led a dutiful pious life, dedicated to God, and to helping the needy. As a special reward, we will return you to Earth to live once more. Who would you like to return as in your second life?"
"Sarah Pippilini!", says Sister Mary.
"Fine", says St. Peter, "let us look up where she is..."
Some time later, St Peter comes back. "I'm afraid we can't locate this Sarah Pippilini. Are you sure that's her name?"
"Absolutely. I read about her long ago, and have kept the newspaper cutting within my vestements ever since"
"Hmm. Can I see it please?"
"Sure. It's a bit worn, but here you go"
St. Peters carefully unfolds the paper, and reads the headline:
"Sahara Pipeline laid by 1000 men in 2 years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hp8sf/a_nun_arrives_at_heavens_gates_and_is_met_by_st/
%
What’s small, long and will put something in a girl’s body she doesn’t want?

A mosquito carrying ebola.
That’s what my ex-girlfriend called my dick, anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hp60t/whats_small_long_and_will_put_something_in_a/
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Suge Knight got 28 years...

At least he didn't get Death Row.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hozmv/suge_knight_got_28_years/
%
This sub has really set a low bar for jokes...

Maybe that's why everyone keeps walking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hoy03/this_sub_has_really_set_a_low_bar_for_jokes/
%
Communism

I shouldn't try this joke, it never works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hovu6/communism/
%
(NSFW) The hippy and the nun

One day a hippy walks into a bus, when he spots a nun sitting in the first chair. To him, the nun is one of the best looking women he has ever seen. Being the straightforward guy he is, the hippy walks up and asks, “Hey, wanna have sex?”  The nun, shocked, smacks him in the face, and gets off at the next stop.
When the hippy goes to get off the driver turns to him and says, “Hey you, you know that nun? She goes up to the cemetery every Sunday at midnight and prays to her dead friend, to honor him. If you go there and pretend to be a ghost, you could get her to have sex with you as the best way to “honor” him.” The hippy, bewildered, thanks the bus driver and gets off thinking, “That seems strange... but awesome!”
Sunday rolls around and the hippy dresses up as a ghost and goes the cemetery. Sure enough, at midnight the nun comes and kneels by a grave. The hippy sneaks over in the dark, and jumps out from behind the grave, and exclaims, “Ooooh I’m the ghost of your best friend, I command you to have sex with me in order to honor my memory!”
The nun is shocked but says, “Oh.... sure. But I swore an oath to virginity, so it will have to be anal.”
The hippy thinks, “Sweeeeeet”, and the two go at it over night.
The next morning the hippy jumps up and runs off yelling, “Hahaha it was actually meeeee!!”
The nun shouts back, “Hahahah it was actually me, the bus driver.”
*Credit goes to Shadowbeatz*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hov5d/nsfw_the_hippy_and_the_nun/
%
A guy with one arm is sick of life.....

A guy with one arm is sick of life, he tries to get a job but no one hires him. He can't get himself a girl friend. Everyone he knows picks on him and laughs at him. He feels really down. Eventually he decides enough is enough and decides to take his own life.
He goes to the roof of the tallest building he knows and prepares himself to jump. As he reaches the peak and is about to take a leap he spots a man on the ground with no arms dancing franticly with joy, I mean this guy just looks crazy happy. The man decides this is a sign, I must go and ask him what's his secret for obtaining so much joy.
The man makes his way down. He approaches the man with no arms who is still dancing like a maniac. He asks him "hey buddy, I've got one arm and I am so down that I want to take my own life, you have no arms and are dancing with joy, what's your secret?"
The man with no arm replies "I'm not happy you idiot, I'm just trying to scratch my back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9horv3/a_guy_with_one_arm_is_sick_of_life/
%
Sometimes

Relationships are a lot like algebra....Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9horq1/sometimes/
%
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.
Because elephants never forget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hohik/call_a_girl_beautiful_1000_times_and_she_wont/
%
What kind of music do prisoners prefer?

Criminal records

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hoc6l/what_kind_of_music_do_prisoners_prefer/
%
How can you potentially kill someone with some Potassium, Nickel & Iron

With a KNiFe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ho9wv/how_can_you_potentially_kill_someone_with_some/
%
When my girlfriend told me that her fantasy was to be abducted, I thought she was joking.

But she demands to be taken, seriously!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ho5h9/when_my_girlfriend_told_me_that_her_fantasy_was/
%
Man, my boss told me today he's going to fire the person with the worst posture...

I have a hunch it's gonna be me =[

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ho4qu/man_my_boss_told_me_today_hes_going_to_fire_the/
%
Woke up this morning and rolled a joint

Shame it was my ankle and now I can’t fucking walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ho2x7/woke_up_this_morning_and_rolled_a_joint/
%
Autocorrect is a bitch. I just texted my pal if he wanted to go for a wank by the river.

I meant the canal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hnwec/autocorrect_is_a_bitch_i_just_texted_my_pal_if_he/
%
Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hnq9g/did_you_hear_about_the_ancient_egyptian_man_that/
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The difference between o and O

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says : "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.  I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.  I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday , the judge asks the first guy : "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well , your honor , I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful . How did you do it ?"
"I used a diagram , your honor . I drew two circles like this : *Oo.* Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable ," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor , I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people.! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well , I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this :   *oO.*  Then I pointed to the little circle and said : 'This is your asshole before jail"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hnpuz/the_difference_between_o_and_o/
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A thief stole a sine and a cosine.

He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry.  He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine.
He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosine over sine...
and then he got cot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hnnrp/a_thief_stole_a_sine_and_a_cosine/
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A COUPLE FETS MARRIED

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
(Not my joke, got it from a friend)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hnkw6/a_couple_fets_married/
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A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.

However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.
Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.
"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced.
The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life.
Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches.
"Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!"
His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head.
"If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?"
Another head shake.
" Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you."
"I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily.
"Who the hell pushed me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hnj2u/a_king_held_a_contest_for_all_the_men_in_the/
%
I dropped my phone from a sky scraper

Thank god airplane mode was on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hnaep/i_dropped_my_phone_from_a_sky_scraper/
%
How to tell an unexpected joke

Oh fuck, this isn't Google.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hn6j1/how_to_tell_an_unexpected_joke/
%
A small boy asks his dad (heard this from someone)

A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hn5zd/a_small_boy_asks_his_dad_heard_this_from_someone/
%
What is the best drug to have sex on?

Birth Control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hn1g4/what_is_the_best_drug_to_have_sex_on/
%
A young snake asks his mum...

“Mum, are we poisonous or venomous?”
“Why?”, she replied
“Because I just bit my tongue”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hn0zy/a_young_snake_asks_his_mum/
%
Not trying to impress anyone here but..

I got a hundred percent on my iq test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hmxre/not_trying_to_impress_anyone_here_but/
%
My best mate ate his own autobiography.

He's so full of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hmvci/my_best_mate_ate_his_own_autobiography/
%
What kind of dessert always comes back when you throw it away?

A boomeringue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hmtkr/what_kind_of_dessert_always_comes_back_when_you/
%
Presidents Kennedy and Lincoln

were the most open-minded presidents in American history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hmsdv/presidents_kennedy_and_lincoln/
%
PIN number

My PIN number is the last four digits of pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hmrpi/pin_number/
%
My friend died as we couldn't remember his blood type

As he died, he kept saying "be positive", but it's hard without him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hmrm4/my_friend_died_as_we_couldnt_remember_his_blood/
%
Hey dad, how did you meet mom?

“Well son I was at a party and someone bet me to jump off the roof, next thing I know there was a beautiful nurse tending to my wound”
“Oh so that was mom”
“No, your mom was the one I landed on”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hmrdy/hey_dad_how_did_you_meet_mom/
%
An exhibitionist exposed himself to 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench.

The first old lady immediately had a stroke.
The second old lady tried to ignore it but ended up having a stroke.
The third old lady decided she'd show some restraint and wouldn't touch it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hmnu5/an_exhibitionist_exposed_himself_to_3_old_ladies/
%
What's the most american US military branch?

the Air Force. They're USAF.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hmkvb/whats_the_most_american_us_military_branch/
%
You’re so ugly...

You are the reason Star Wars takes place in a galaxy far far away!
My son (now 11) came up with this and it cracks me up every time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hmhe5/youre_so_ugly/
%
Did you hear about the child laborers that died at the candy factory?

It was Haribo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hmglz/did_you_hear_about_the_child_laborers_that_died/
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Einstein vs an Indian

Disclaimer: **No Offence!**
Einstein & an Indian are sitting next to each other on a long flight...
Einstein says: "Let's play a game...I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500..."
Einstein asks the first question: What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon...?
The Indian doesn't say a word, Reaches his pocket, Pulls out a $5...
Now... It's the Indian's turn...
He asks Einstein: What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down on 4 legs..?
Einstein searches the answer everywhere possible and asks all his smart friends... After an hour he gives the Indian $500...
Einstein going nuts and asks: Well... so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four..?
Indian reaches his pocket again and gives Einstein $5...
Einstein fainted.....
**Thug Life**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hmci2/einstein_vs_an_indian/
%
Two satellites get married

The wedding was alright, but the reception was amazing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hmasd/two_satellites_get_married/
%
What did the woman say after her pancakes got flat?

Oh crepe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hm8v9/what_did_the_woman_say_after_her_pancakes_got_flat/
%
What does a bank do?

It makes the broke broker, and the broker richer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hlufe/what_does_a_bank_do/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they can't find home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hlq4k/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
What do you call the last virgin in Afghanistan?

The fastest goat in the fucking country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hlpp7/what_do_you_call_the_last_virgin_in_afghanistan/
%
What happens when it rains cats and dogs?

You can step in a poodle.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hlobd/what_happens_when_it_rains_cats_and_dogs/
%
Dying wish!

A billionaire was dying and wanted to take atleast some of his fortune with him! He asked his priest, doctor and lawyer to help.
Before his coffin is to be lowered into the ground they were each instructed to throw 3 million dollars into the coffin.
At his funeral the priest comes forward and says..
" My outreach ministry for the poor needs funds so im just throwing in 2 million dollars!"
The doctor comes forward and throws 1.5 million dollars into the coffin...
"Im working with doctors with out borders and we need a lot of medical supplies!"
The lawyer steps forward...he looks disgusted...and tells the priest and the doctor..
"Im very shocked and appalled by you two...not following his wishes....i for one have a check right here for the full amount!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hlnlk/dying_wish/
%
Last night I ran out of sewing needles.

I should go to the supermarket and grab myself a punnet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hlhn6/last_night_i_ran_out_of_sewing_needles/
%
Do you ever get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hlhn1/do_you_ever_get_the_urge_to_eat_something_just/
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What happens when a glassblower touches the glass while it’s still hot?

They feel pane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hlg0m/what_happens_when_a_glassblower_touches_the_glass/
%
Why is it a bad idea to let dogs onboard the ISS?

Because they would keep barking at the vacuum in space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hlfzi/why_is_it_a_bad_idea_to_let_dogs_onboard_the_iss/
%
I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.
I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the JD before I rode back.
Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hlf2s/i_went_to_a_liquor_store_yesterday_on_my_bicycle/
%
I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip

It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hl8v6/i_have_a_special_trick_for_getting_the_result_i/
%
I love the way the earth rotates

It really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hl7ew/i_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
%
what do you call a fat phsychic?

a four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hl2e6/what_do_you_call_a_fat_phsychic/
%
American healthcare.

That’s it. That’s the fucking joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hkzl3/american_healthcare/
%
Knock Knock... Who's there?

The World Health Organisation.
The World Health Organisation who?
Yes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hkyk1/knock_knock_whos_there/
%
What was Captain Hook's cause of the death?

Itchy balls...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hkvph/what_was_captain_hooks_cause_of_the_death/
%
In Heaven, the Germans are the engineers, the French are the cooks and the English are the policemen.

In Hell, the Germans are the policemen, the French are the engineers, and the English are the cooks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hkve1/in_heaven_the_germans_are_the_engineers_the/
%
I have sex the same way i give gold.

When i can afford it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hkv8n/i_have_sex_the_same_way_i_give_gold/
%
Make a man a fire, and he will stay warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he will stay warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hksrz/make_a_man_a_fire_and_he_will_stay_warm_for_a_day/
%
What’s the best way to make friends?

Tell a woman you love her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hkqzj/whats_the_best_way_to_make_friends/
%
I see why Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween,

They must dislike random people coming up to their doors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hkqj0/i_see_why_jehovahs_witnesses_dont_celebrate/
%
Why do guys with huge dicks always mess up a joke’s punchline?

To get to the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hklsy/why_do_guys_with_huge_dicks_always_mess_up_a/
%
What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their baggage up to their hotel room?

Tell a porter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hklq2/what_do_captain_kirk_and_mister_spock_do_to_get/
%
If God says masturbation is wrong,

then why did God make our arms the perfect length to reach it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hkk5k/if_god_says_masturbation_is_wrong/
%
What do you call a nosey pepper?

Jalapeno business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hkis0/what_do_you_call_a_nosey_pepper/
%
A man sits anxiously in the waiting room of a hospital while his wife is giving birth.

After a while, the doctor walks in with a big smile on his face, holding the baby. He suddenly trips, dropping the baby. He then proceeds to kick it a few times, grabs it by the arm and smashes its head on the wall. He finally rolls the remains into a tiny balls and slam dunks it into the waste basket.
He then notices the father watching in horror.
'Oh, don't worry, I was joking, it was a stillborn.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hkf3i/a_man_sits_anxiously_in_the_waiting_room_of_a/
%
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We had a few drinks, cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hkeig/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
%
Why do mathematicians make horrible robbers?

They always leave all the proofs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hkbil/why_do_mathematicians_make_horrible_robbers/
%
What’s the difference between me and the calendar?

A calendar has dates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hk2c9/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_the_calendar/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar.

the bartender says, "we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjzaq/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A daughter tells her conservative father that she is lesbian...

Dad: That is not good, I'll take you to the church.
Second daughter: Dad sorry, but I'm lesbian too
Dad: We'll leave for the church in 15 minutes. \*cursing under his breath
Wife: Honey, sorry for hiding it for so long, but  I was lesbian all along.
Dad: I MEAN COME ON DOES ANYONE IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE LIKE DICKS
Son: I do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjtc0/a_daughter_tells_her_conservative_father_that_she/
%
My wife isn’t speaking to me because I didn’t open the car door for her...

I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjso8/my_wife_isnt_speaking_to_me_because_i_didnt_open/
%
Tax Man (long)

One morning, a man got a call from the IRS.
IRS Agent: "Mr. Smith, we have noticed some large discrepancies on your account. We would like for you to come down to our office so that we can clear this issue up."
Mr Smith: "Gee, that sounds like a big deal. Should I bring a lawyer?"
IRS Agent: "That probably wouldn't be a bad idea, Mr. Smith."
Mr. Smith: "Okay, I can be there at 9AM on Monday."
IRS Agent:  "Perfect, we will see you then."
Monday comes and Mr. Smith is at the IRS office with his lawyer.
IRS agent: "Good morning, Mr. Smith. We have noticed some large fluctuations in your account. As little as $5000 and as much as $100,000. Can you explain this? Are you a gambler?"
Mr. Smith: "No, sir. I'm not a gambler per se, but I will bet on anything."
The IRS agent is thoroughly confused by this.
Mr. Smith: "Sir, I can see you are puzzled by what I just said. Allow me to show you what I mean."
IRS Agent: "Okay"
Mr. Smith: "I will bet you $5000 that I can bite my own eyeball.
The IRS agent thinks about it for a minute, and checks Mr. Smiths' bank statements. "$5000?"
Mr. Smith: "Yes."
IRS Agent: "Deal."
Mr Smith shakes the agents hand, stands up, and smacks himself on the back of his head and his eyeball pops out. He then puts the fake eye in his mouth and bites it.
The IRS agent is PISSED.
IRS Agent: "That's not fair! You set me up!"
Mr. Smith: "Okay, sir how about double or nothing that I can bite my other eye?"
IRS Agent looks around the room for a second and thinks to himself "He didn't come in with a dog, he doesn't have a cane, and his layer was not assisting him when he walked in."
IRS Agent: "Double or nothing? $10,000?.
Mr. Smith: "Yes, sir."
IRS Agent: "Okay."
They shake hands again.
Mr Smith stands up, grabs his false teeth and jams them into his other eye socket.
IRS agent is turning beet red at this point.
Mr. Smith: "I'm sure by this point, sir, you are very upset. I will pose you one last bet if you wish."
IRS Agent: "Well then, lets hear it."
Mr. Smith: "I will bet you triple or nothing that I can stand in that corner by your desk, put your trashcan in the opposite corner, and piss into the can without spilling a drop. $30,000. Triple or nothing."
IRS agent thinks "No way in hell he will win this one, that's physically impossible!"
IRS Agent: "You're on!"
They shake hands for the last time.
Mr. Smith stands up, and his lawyer helps him to the corner. The Lawyer takes the trash can and puts it across the room. Mr. Smith drops his pants and start peeing ALL OVER the IRS Agents' desk.
IRS Agent: "I knew it there was no way in hell you could do that one!" And he starts dancing around the office. He notices the lawyer is sitting in the chair with his hands over his face, and it looks like he's crying.
IRS Agent: "What's you damn problem? I just won $30,000!"
The Lawyer looks up at him and mutters "Yea, but he bet me a $100,000 retainer that he could piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjr8e/tax_man_long/
%
The impotence group at my school broke up...

There were regular meetings, but nobody ever came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjr1e/the_impotence_group_at_my_school_broke_up/
%
How can you tell Santa has been to your house?

You can feel his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjqg6/how_can_you_tell_santa_has_been_to_your_house/
%
My Chinese friend refuses to believe that our buddy Ty is now the state boxing champion.

People from China refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjq3r/my_chinese_friend_refuses_to_believe_that_our/
%
I couldn't believe i was gay and dyslexic.

I was in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjps0/i_couldnt_believe_i_was_gay_and_dyslexic/
%
What's the difference between a radius and a diameter?

A radius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjp0w/whats_the_difference_between_a_radius_and_a/
%
had a threesome with two anorexic girls last night...

... Two birds one stone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjjzb/had_a_threesome_with_two_anorexic_girls_last_night/
%
A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.

"Why son?" The dad asks.
"Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjjxa/a_jewish_black_kid_walks_up_to_his_dad_and_asks/
%
My wife told me that if i buy another board game she will dump me

Maybe i shouldn't take that risk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjje4/my_wife_told_me_that_if_i_buy_another_board_game/
%
A nurse pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket....

"Oh no, some arsehole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjimh/a_nurse_pulls_a_rectal_thermometer_out_of_her/
%
I got arrested today for robbing a McDonald’s with a plastic knife.

I’m currently facing ten years in jail for armed burgerly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjgo8/i_got_arrested_today_for_robbing_a_mcdonalds_with/
%
The best blow job I ever got was in junior high.

God I love being a teacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hjf36/the_best_blow_job_i_ever_got_was_in_junior_high/
%
My girlfriend asked me why I always volunteer to drive her around on Rosh Hashanah...

I dunno, I just heard they always blow the shofar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hj63k/my_girlfriend_asked_me_why_i_always_volunteer_to/
%
A flying saucer lands on Earth and an alien is brought before the UN.....

He's asked, "Why have you come to earth?"
He replies,  " I have come to this world to spread the word about our lord and saviour Jesus Christ."
Shocked they ask, "You've heard of Jesus too?"
Yes he comes to my planet every 10 years or so, works a few miracles. Tells us where we're going wrong in general and then heads off to visit other worlds.
So when's the last time he came here to visit?
About 2000 years.
2000 years, what the hell did you do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hj59a/a_flying_saucer_lands_on_earth_and_an_alien_is/
%
A professional cartoonist died the other day

The details are still a bit sketchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hj1pq/a_professional_cartoonist_died_the_other_day/
%
Australian kids are exposed to male genitals a lot growing up.

By the time they reach 18, they've definitely seen a cockatoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hj175/australian_kids_are_exposed_to_male_genitals_a/
%
I once knew a rapper who used cannabis infused citrus as chewing tobacco

He spat some dope limes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hj14z/i_once_knew_a_rapper_who_used_cannabis_infused/
%
What noise does a German snake make?

"Hiß"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hj0i6/what_noise_does_a_german_snake_make/
%
I got stabbed by my friends at lunch today

Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Caesar salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hiw6b/i_got_stabbed_by_my_friends_at_lunch_today/
%
What is a kidnapper's favorite song?

"In the arms of a stranger"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hivrd/what_is_a_kidnappers_favorite_song/
%
My mate told me he was shagging his girlfriend's twin

I said: "you lucky thing! But how do you tell them apart?"
"Oh that's easy" he said, "her brother has a moustache".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hilcq/my_mate_told_me_he_was_shagging_his_girlfriends/
%
A man on death row is given a final wish...

...The man wishes to meet the president before he is executed. The president decides to visit the man before he is executed, and arrives the day before the execution.
The man is visibly distrust, and does not notice the president waiting. After a minute the president is getting annoyed after having to wait for so long. The president proceeds to call out for the man to talk to him
"Pardon you, have some patience."
The president was angered by this and yelled
"Pardon me? Pardon me?? PARDON YOU!"
With this the man thanked him and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hig2c/a_man_on_death_row_is_given_a_final_wish/
%
I spent ages trying to think of a decent bin pun.

Turns out, they were all rubbish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hicgi/i_spent_ages_trying_to_think_of_a_decent_bin_pun/
%
An American is moving to Britain...

...So he decides to learn the british way of spelling things. So he spoke to a Brit he knew and he was told the following:
"So: Color turns into colour. Harbor turns into harbour. honor becomes honour. Starting to notice a pattern?"
So he writes an e-mail to his new boss:
"Gououd mourning sir....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hi9w9/an_american_is_moving_to_britain/
%
As a Muslim, I really appreciate the Courts upholding religious freedom

Seriously, Praise Be A Law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hi7qw/as_a_muslim_i_really_appreciate_the_courts/
%
Most Middle Eastern Nations don't like the Flintstones..

But ABU DHAIBI DOO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hi6ah/most_middle_eastern_nations_dont_like_the/
%
How many cars does it take to fill up a parking garage?

A lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hi647/how_many_cars_does_it_take_to_fill_up_a_parking/
%
Humans can elope

Fruits cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hi5i0/humans_can_elope/
%
I bet you're still a virgin!

Peter: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
John: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Peter: "As if."
John: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Peter: "I don't have a sister."
John: "You will in about nine months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hhwsn/i_bet_youre_still_a_virgin/
%
What’s the difference between a pig and a fox?

About 10 beers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hhw2n/whats_the_difference_between_a_pig_and_a_fox/
%
My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hhvy2/my_mate_reckons_he_can_tighten_nuts_and_bolts/
%
I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the bodies of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hhs2e/i_jokingly_told_my_friend_i_was_collecting_the/
%
My ex-wife was a great housekeeper

When we got divorced she kept the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hhr9t/my_exwife_was_a_great_housekeeper/
%
Who would win in a drinking contest, an Irish man or a German man?

The bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hhqm3/who_would_win_in_a_drinking_contest_an_irish_man/
%
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy

were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.
Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hhp4x/an_irishman_a_mexican_and_a_blond_guy/
%
A pianist is interviewing for a gig at a restaurant...

He sits at the piano and begins to play for the owner. Immediately, the owner is struck by the beauty of his playing and is practically moved to tears by the end...
“That was magnificent - I must know, what do you call this piece??” the owner asks.
The pianist replies, “This one’s an old one - it’s called ‘Cumshot to the Face of a Whore.’”
Stunned and confused, the owner doesn’t quite know how to respond, but asks the pianist to play more, as he still couldn’t resist the allure of his music. Again, the pianist plays wonderfully, and the owner is yet again wooed and awestruck by the pianist’s mastery of his instrument.
The owner hesitantly asks once more, “And what is the name of this one?”
The pianist bluntly retorts, “Ahh, yes, this one is called ‘I Fucked Her Till She Couldn’t Fuck No More’ - it’s one my favorite originals!”
The owner, baffled by the contradicting beauty of the pianist’s playing set against his vulgar titles, gingerly awards the pianist with the gig, but on one condition. “Keep the titles to yourself,” he says. “I’m not sure that the audience will find them as pleasing as your playing...”
A week later, the pianist arrives for his first gig and begins to perform. The customers are so swept up in the beauty of his music-making they can hardly focus on their food. After a while, the pianist takes a quick break and heads to the bathroom amongst the cheering and clapping of his satisfied audience.
On the way back, a woman suddenly stops him, taking him aside - “Sir, um... this is rather embarrassing, but, do you know Your Cock is Hanging Out?
The pianist replies, “Do I know it?? Lady, I fuckin’ wrote it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hhjeu/a_pianist_is_interviewing_for_a_gig_at_a/
%
Wife caught me cheating.

My wife ran out the room last night, she turned and screamed at me, 'And you know what? You've gone too far this time.....we're finished!!  You're bankrupt and the way you wander round the streets so aimlessly, it's a suprise you don't one day end up in prison!''  But babe...' I said, taking a step forward.   'No, just go away oh, and don't even bother saying you love me because I saw you fucking cheating!  'You fucking cheat!' she screamed, a tear in her eye as she slammed the door.  She'll be back, I thought.  She always gets over emotional when we play Monopoly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hhher/wife_caught_me_cheating/
%
Have you ever been to Oklahoma?

It might be worth going, the state is OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hhh4a/have_you_ever_been_to_oklahoma/
%
New body image study shows women with large breast are generally more successful

Than men with large breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hhgm3/new_body_image_study_shows_women_with_large/
%
A young kid asked a question

A young kid asked his parents one how he was made.
The parents ,not wanting to scar him, replied that he was delivered by a stork
Later on in his room the child started on his paper and it read
“Today I learned that I am the only person in the entire world not born regularly”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hhffb/a_young_kid_asked_a_question/
%
My evangelical friends are convinced that Donald Trump recently found Jesus in his life.

He’s having him deported tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hhek5/my_evangelical_friends_are_convinced_that_donald/
%
My wife crashed our car this morning.

When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.
The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hha9f/my_wife_crashed_our_car_this_morning/
%
A king has 3 cups...

The first one is filled with water. The second one is filled up with water. The third one is empty.
What is the King called?
Phillip the 3rd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hh9rp/a_king_has_3_cups/
%
My uncle complained to me that I never visited him and that the next time I saw him he would be in a coffin.

Jokes on him.
He was in an urn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hh8os/my_uncle_complained_to_me_that_i_never_visited/
%
What’s the best part about being an Ethiopian?

You never have to grow up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hh3j8/whats_the_best_part_about_being_an_ethiopian/
%
Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hh1cs/did_you_know_that_a_piranha_can_devour_a_small/
%
True musicians never die.

They just start decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hh0v0/true_musicians_never_die/
%
"Relax Peter, it's just a small cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous"

*... said the doctor.*
"Doctor, my name isn't Peter..."
"I know, I'm Peter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hh00w/relax_peter_its_just_a_small_cut_with_a_scalpel/
%
Hipster peer pressure...

C'mon... no one else is doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hgxjn/hipster_peer_pressure/
%
What kind of shoes do spies wear?

Sneakers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hgvnq/what_kind_of_shoes_do_spies_wear/
%
When I was born I was given a choice of having a perfect eidetic memory or a huge penis...

I can't remember which one I decided on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hgtx6/when_i_was_born_i_was_given_a_choice_of_having_a/
%
A blind guy gets into the kitchen, ...

... randomly picks up a cheese grater, and yells:
"Who the fuck wrote this gibberish!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hgs2i/a_blind_guy_gets_into_the_kitchen/
%
A mob boss has a job...

A mob boss was looking for some new thugs to take care of problems with the business. Having just lost several men to a warehouse accident, there were a few vacancies. One of his close friends offered some advice.
"There's this new company that's producing automated thugs. Supposedly, these robots can do the job of 10 men. You should give it a try. Just make sure you read the fine print. My cousin hired one and ended up paying much more than he expected."
So the boss took his friend's advice and made a call. He placed an order for one thug as a trial run and was surprised by how reasonable the price was.
The robot arrived within a couple of days and the boss put it straight to work doing various tasks and grunt work. He even had it rough a few people up and it performed better than he could have imagined.
At the end of the month a bill came in the mail. Opening the bill, he was shocked to find it was ten times what was quoted! Furious, he put a call through to the company and demanded an explanation.
"Sir, it's in the fine print. It's written right on the bottom of the robot's foot."
The boss had the robot thug sit down and lift its foot. Sure enough, in clear black writing, the label said, "batteries not included."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hgrld/a_mob_boss_has_a_job/
%
Have you met Midas' brother Colitis?

Everything he touches turns to shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hgpkw/have_you_met_midas_brother_colitis/
%
I can't stop my dog from digging in the garden.

I guess in the end I'll have to take the shovel from him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hgpdb/i_cant_stop_my_dog_from_digging_in_the_garden/
%
An Irishman is talking with an American at a music festival.

Irishman: I tell ya man it sucks that we're not allowed to bring our own beer into this festival. All of the beer here is so goddamn overpriced.
American: I know what you mean my friend, so in this case I'll help you out.
*The American pulls out a pair of binoculars and un caps the lenses to reveal alcohol*
American: These custom made binoculars are perfect for smuggling two cans worth of beer practically anywhere that prohibits bringing in your own alchohol
Irishman: Wow that's genius! Nobody would ever suspect someone to be smuggling alcohol through binoculars!
American: Yep, my buddy a few miles south from here makes these products for a living.
*The American hands the Irishman a business card with an address. The next day at the music festival the Irishman returns to the American upset and empty handed on alcohol*
American: What's wrong my friend?
Irishman: The binoculars didn't work, instead all they did was raise more attention to me.
American: But how?
Irishman: I don't know but the security people at the entrance said that "I looked suspicious with those binoculars," so they confiscated all 50 of my binoculars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hgoh0/an_irishman_is_talking_with_an_american_at_a/
%
I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hgndj/i_just_discovered_that_the_word_nothing_is_a/
%
What do you call the ghost of a chicken?

A poultry-geist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hgnc3/what_do_you_call_the_ghost_of_a_chicken/
%
Did you hear about the law court fetishist?

He got off on a technicality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hglat/did_you_hear_about_the_law_court_fetishist/
%
A woman goes to the doctor

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hgg4t/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
How many of you believe in telekinesis?

Raise my hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hge1q/how_many_of_you_believe_in_telekinesis/
%
Did you hear about the new Karma restaurant?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hgc98/did_you_hear_about_the_new_karma_restaurant/
%
I was listening to my wireless headphones while the dentist was working on my teeth.

He needed to tell me something so he pulled out my earbud.
It was a Bluetooth extraction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hgaaq/i_was_listening_to_my_wireless_headphones_while/
%
You know, Apple really have given us some of the greatest tools of our generation

They're called Apple fanboys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hg8k0/you_know_apple_really_have_given_us_some_of_the/
%
I got fired for being high on the job.

Boss said he didn't like my altitude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hg4ti/i_got_fired_for_being_high_on_the_job/
%
A husband wakes up with a brutal hangover

When he enters the kitchen he sees that his wife made him an incredible breakfast. She smiles at him, gives him a hug, a kiss and whispers in his ear "I am sending our kid to the grandparents for tonight. I will have something special for you, don't expect any sleep." Then she leaves for work.
The husband is baffled, tries to understand what's happening. When his son enters, he asks:"What's going on? Why is mom so happy and nice?!"
"Well, you came home around 2am, completely wasted. You were singing, yelling and throwing stuff around. Mom was so mad."
"And then?"
"She tried to shove you to the living room because she wanted you to sleep on the sofa."
"That makes no sense! What happened next?"
"When she finally managed to lie you down, she tried to undress you. But you pushed her back and yelled "BACK OFF, BITCH! I AM MARRIED TO THE GREATEST WOMAN ON EARTH!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hg2gk/a_husband_wakes_up_with_a_brutal_hangover/
%
There are no divorce courts at the North Pole.

So when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
They're great for separating independent Clauses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hg1yr/there_are_no_divorce_courts_at_the_north_pole/
%
Daddy's calling . . .

Hello?”
“Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn’t moving either.”
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hg19d/daddys_calling/
%
How did the hipster burn their mouth on their coffee?

They drank it before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hg0id/how_did_the_hipster_burn_their_mouth_on_their/
%
I've chosen not to vaccinate my kids...

I think it's better to let a professionel doctor handle that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hfwnl/ive_chosen_not_to_vaccinate_my_kids/
%
What do you call a train full of toffee?

A chew chew train

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hfwky/what_do_you_call_a_train_full_of_toffee/
%
Two great minds thinking alike is always productive

Except when they are trying to call each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hfs9q/two_great_minds_thinking_alike_is_always/
%
How many words are needed to describe how Trump is taking America?

Definitely not four-words..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hfpz9/how_many_words_are_needed_to_describe_how_trump/
%
A bishop walks straight into a bar and orders a beer.

"You can't do that," the bartender says. "You can only move diagonally."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hfkjj/a_bishop_walks_straight_into_a_bar_and_orders_a/
%
What's Captain Marvel's favorite cheese?

Brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hfigu/whats_captain_marvels_favorite_cheese/
%
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward!

That's just how I roll!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hfhsk/sometimes_i_tuck_my_knees_into_my_chest_and_lean/
%
What do you call an annoying fish-eater?

A peskytarian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hfgyc/what_do_you_call_an_annoying_fisheater/
%
Three wives were having a girls night

After a bottle of wine they started to discuss their sex lives,
One of the says :"Girls yesterday I noticed my husband's balls were cold, how weird is that?"
"No way!" Said the second wife " I have to check it tonight, ill tell you tomorrow if it's true"
They met again tommorow in a cafe and the second wife said:" OMG, I checked it yesterday and they indeed are cold!"
So the third wife decided to also check it herself to confirm it 100%.
They meet again and they see the third wife with a black eye,
"What the hell happened to you?!" The other wives screamed.
"It's your dumb 'cold-ball' talk caused it" she snaps "Yesterday my husband and I went to bed and I groped his balls and they were warm, so like a dumb bitch I asked him how come of all the men I know hes the only one whose balls are warm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hfabm/three_wives_were_having_a_girls_night/
%
Did you hear about the guy who slipped on a banana and sued?

He won the trial, but he got overturned on a peel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hf94n/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_slipped_on_a/
%
What's the most sensitive part of your body when you masturbate?

Your ears......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hf4u5/whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_your_body_when/
%
I asked my Mexican friend how he felt about Trump building the wall...

He said he’d get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hezhc/i_asked_my_mexican_friend_how_he_felt_about_trump/
%
How did Scorpion console Sub-Zero when he broke up with his girlfriend?

GET OVER HER!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hevxm/how_did_scorpion_console_subzero_when_he_broke_up/
%
Woman gets on a bus with her baby

The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hevjf/woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
%
My friend asked "what rhymes with apple?"

I replied "no it doesn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hev73/my_friend_asked_what_rhymes_with_apple/
%
The Irish Priest

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring
day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of
his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his
front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn
and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of
the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing
the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good
father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that
you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...
Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are
also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for
me call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hev5s/the_irish_priest/
%
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9heul8/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system/
%
Did Stormy say it looked like a toadstool or

a toad’s tool ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9heuf2/did_stormy_say_it_looked_like_a_toadstool_or/
%
What's the kid friendly term for bukkake?

Baby shower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9heu6l/whats_the_kid_friendly_term_for_bukkake/
%
A soapbox orator addresses a crowd on the glories of communism

“Come the revolution, everyone will eat strawberries and cream!” A man at the front whimpers, “But I don’t like strawberries and cream.” The speaker thunders, “Come the revolution, you will like strawberries and cream!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hetk2/a_soapbox_orator_addresses_a_crowd_on_the_glories/
%
If a rabbit lives in a rabbit hole and fox lives in a foxhole

Does that mean a donkey lives in an asshole?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hesnj/if_a_rabbit_lives_in_a_rabbit_hole_and_fox_lives/
%
Dad comes home from a long day at work

He goes to his child who is singing and dancing around the house
Dad: hey baby, why you so happy?
Child: nothing I was thinking about today
Dad: what happened today?
Child: i think mom was about to go to heaven
Dad: wait.... she was what? What do you mean?
Child: well I was sitting in my room and I could hear mum screaming “oh my god, I’m coming, I’m coming” so I ran to her room to help her  but luckily the postman was already on top of her holding her down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hepmj/dad_comes_home_from_a_long_day_at_work/
%
Trash/rubbish bags and condoms are basically the same thing.

You fill them with your junk and they always seem to break and spill everywhere when carrying a big load

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hen54/trashrubbish_bags_and_condoms_are_basically_the/
%
Vinny the Hitman's birthday

On his birthday, Vinny, a professional hitman, is getting ready to go out, when suddenly, a large group of mobsters shows up at hist front door.
"Vinny," say the mobsters, "it's your birthday. Come on, we've booked you an entire restaurant. Let's go."
"Oh my god guys," says Vinny, "you shouldn't have."
"Vinny, don't worry about it. You'r 40 today. Besides, that's not all we did."
So they take him to the restaurant, and inside, there's dozens of other mobsters, and the godfathers of all the major families. In the middle of the largest table is a huge box, wrapped and carrying a big red bow. Vinny opens it to find the latest and best sniper rifle on the market, with all the attachments.
"Oh my god, you shouldn't have!" he exclaimed again.
"Vinny, that's not all of it," says one of the godfathers, who proceeds to hand him a folder. Inside, Vinny finds a contract for a 30 million dollar hit.
"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE!" Vinny exclaimed, excitedly.
"Wait, Vinny," says the godfather, "there's more," and leads him to a staircase going down to the restaurant's, where they find the contract's target, all tied up to a chair, his mouth taped shut, just waiting for Vinny to kill him and get the money.
“Guys. Guys,” says Vinny, tears now forming in his eyes from the happiness. “This is amazing. I don’t have to do anything for this hit. Thank you, guys, so much.”
“Wait Vinny, there’s still more,” says one of the mobsters, and approaches the target. He rips off the duct tape over the guy’s mouth, and the target starts singing:
“Happy birthday to you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hel36/vinny_the_hitmans_birthday/
%
The human brain is awesome..

The human brain is awesome. It functions 24 hours a day, from the day we were born and it stops only when we have math exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hekfo/the_human_brain_is_awesome/
%
What‘s the difference between a cheeseburger and anal?

The cheeseburger doesn‘t fart if you pull out the pickle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hejvg/whats_the_difference_between_a_cheeseburger_and/
%
What do you call that friend who will always seize the opportunity to run a Dungeons & Dragons game for your group?

A Carpe D.M

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hegs7/what_do_you_call_that_friend_who_will_always/
%
An amnesiac walks into a bar. He saddles up to the hottest woman there and says...

..."so, do I come here often?"
Oldie but a goodie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hecx8/an_amnesiac_walks_into_a_bar_he_saddles_up_to_the/
%
The Rancher Widow, Drunkard and Gay

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. So, she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock came and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now, take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now, take off my socks." He did.
"Now, take off my skirt." He did.
"Now, take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9he8zc/the_rancher_widow_drunkard_and_gay/
%
A rapper goes for a walk

Right into 16 bars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9he7tw/a_rapper_goes_for_a_walk/
%
What do you call a witch who only eats sand?

Anything you like - she’s dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9he7mm/what_do_you_call_a_witch_who_only_eats_sand/
%
I like my sex how I like my steak

rare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9he6zl/i_like_my_sex_how_i_like_my_steak/
%
Why did Jack quit his job at airport security?

Because no one ever said hi to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9he63r/why_did_jack_quit_his_job_at_airport_security/
%
What does a zombie call a dick?

Junk food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9he1xm/what_does_a_zombie_call_a_dick/
%
What's another name for a male puppy?

A son of a bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9he0q7/whats_another_name_for_a_male_puppy/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Argggh! Ayyy Matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hdzz4/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
Don`t insult the French.

They eat pain for breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hdwdj/dont_insult_the_french/
%
A penguin goes into a pub...

At the bar the peanuts say:
"Nice tie Mr!"
In the toilets the condom machine says :
"You look stupid in that tie"
So he complains to the barman. The barman says :
"the peanuts are complimentary but the condom machine is out of order"
This was the best joke of my birthday cards this morning, so thought I would share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hduxz/a_penguin_goes_into_a_pub/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

And into a chair, and into a table..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hdu5c/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My sexual desires have been getting out of control.

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hdqs4/my_sexual_desires_have_been_getting_out_of_control/
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Secretary walks into the President's room

Secretary: Mr.President, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble.
Trump: Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hdpqi/secretary_walks_into_the_presidents_room/
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“Broken condom”

Husband: “Honey, why is there a broken condom laying in the sofa?”
Wife tensed: “Where?”
She goes out to check and return
Wife: “For God sakes, stop calling our son a broken condom!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hdopw/broken_condom/
%
An American guy is talking with European in some bar in USA.

The American guy is saying: "I heard you have now some problems with immigrants in Europe."
An American Indian bends from the next table and says: "Pay attention to that, we heavily underestimated that once"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hdnxx/an_american_guy_is_talking_with_european_in_some/
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A guy dies and goes to heaven...

He’s a little worried because he’s not a religious person, nor has he ever been a religious person. But Peter greets him, smiling. “Welcome! Come on in!”
Confused, the man asks, “Really? But I’m not religious at all.”
Peter grins and shrugs. “That doesn’t matter,” he says. “Overall, you were a pretty good person. That’s all you really need to get into heaven. Come on, I’ll show you around!”
Peter leads the way, showing off the many rooms and amenities around heaven. Everywhere around them, people seem to be having a really great time! And as Peter guides the tour, he casually introduces various groups partying: “Over here we have the Jews. Down the hall you’ll find some of our Episcopals. Over to the left is where the Muslims generally hang out. In here are the Buddists,” and so on.
Finally, before rounding a corner, Peter stops and brings a finger to his lips, warning the man, “Ok, you need to be REALLY quiet around this area.” He then slowly leads the way around the corner and shows the man a large group of people on their knees in quiet, devout prayer, murmuring softly to themselves. And after a few moments, the two of them slowly back away.
“What was that about?” The man asks.
“Sorry,” replies Peter, “Those are the Catholics. They think they’re alone up here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hdjj8/a_guy_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hdivd/being_a_waiter_may_not_be_a_very_glamorous_job/
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An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.

Needless to say, he was stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hdhrd/an_arm_amputee_bought_a_wooden_cupboard_from_ikea/
%
A horse walks into a barn

The Barntender says, "Hay, the usual?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hdgj4/a_horse_walks_into_a_barn/
%
The government say they're going to tackle gambling addiction.

Bet you a tenner they don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hdfg8/the_government_say_theyre_going_to_tackle/
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Mom, how did I come to this world?

A kid asked his mother:
\- Mom, how did I come to this world?
\- Me and your father planted a seed together... - the mother began
\- From that seed - she continued - we grew marijuana plant, then smoked some weed and had sex on the washing machine...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hdehe/mom_how_did_i_come_to_this_world/
%
As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded.  "I'm a German.  But how did you know my name is Walter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hdduq/as_a_spectator_at_the_last_summer_olympics_i_saw/
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A 7 year old looks through his mom’s ID

Name: Susan Ho
Sex: F
The child laughs hysterically.
Mom: What’s so funny?
7 year old: Can’t believe you’re so bad at sex you failed it mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hda80/a_7_year_old_looks_through_his_moms_id/
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I just watched my first porn

Man, did I look young back then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hd97f/i_just_watched_my_first_porn/
%
What did the man say to his wife after cheating on her with a guy?

I haven't been entirely straight with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hd0hl/what_did_the_man_say_to_his_wife_after_cheating/
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A carpenter, plumber, an electrician and a welder are all dating the same woman. What do you call her?

A jack off all trades

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hcynd/a_carpenter_plumber_an_electrician_and_a_welder/
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Anagram

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hcxm0/anagram/
%
What language do Somalis speak.

ARRRabic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hcuek/what_language_do_somalis_speak/
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Philanthropic lawyer

There was a hotshot New York lawyer who got call from Save the Children foundation.
Caller: Sir, we are aware that you are one of the top lawyers in New York and earn millions of dollars a month.
Lawyer: That's right. So what?
Caller: Sir, we are working for the benefit of destitute children in poor communities and were wondering if you could be kind enough to donate a small sum.
Lawyer: Are you also aware that I have an elderly mother who is suffering from terminal cancer and whose treatment costs thousands of dollars a month?
Caller: I am very sorry to hear that Sir, but we were not aware of that.
Lawyer: Do you also know that I have two younger brothers who are stricken by the palsy and who are totally unable to take care of themselves?
Caller: I am really sorry Sir, but we were not in the know about this.
Lawyer: So when I don't give a cent to these family members of mine, what the hell makes you think that I'd donate to YOU?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hcr8y/philanthropic_lawyer/
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What the difference between a taxi and an elephant ?

The elephant has the trunk in the front and the asshole in the back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hcqs7/what_the_difference_between_a_taxi_and_an_elephant/
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Coffee and blow...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he then says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and blowjob."
All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run towards the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says
"Don't forget the coffee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hcpc2/coffee_and_blow/
%
Robert Downey Jr and Benedict Cumberbatch both got constipation

No shit, Sherlock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hcm3v/robert_downey_jr_and_benedict_cumberbatch_both/
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What does Miss Piggy call oral sex?

Having a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hcly7/what_does_miss_piggy_call_oral_sex/
%
What do you call a retired military member who has been showered in salt and pepper?

A seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hckez/what_do_you_call_a_retired_military_member_who/
%
What kind of shoes do thieves wear?

Stolen shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hcjkq/what_kind_of_shoes_do_thieves_wear/
%
A redneck wants to buy a German car.

”Audi partner!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hch5q/a_redneck_wants_to_buy_a_german_car/
%
Where do Klingons store their leftovers?

Zip'loc!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hcggq/where_do_klingons_store_their_leftovers/
%
A dog sits down at a restaurant

The waiter comes up to the dog and asks “What would you like?”
The dog replies “Uhh I think I’m going to order the spaghetti and............. ........ .......meatballs”
Waiter says “ Sure, but what’s with the pause?”
Dog looks down at his paws and said “ I dunno I’ve had them my whole life”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hcf2b/a_dog_sits_down_at_a_restaurant/
%
When is a board not a board?

When it falls off a boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hce36/when_is_a_board_not_a_board/
%
What's the difference between pink and purple?

The grip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hcdx1/whats_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
%
I win every argument I have with my chinese friend...

He's Wong, and I'm white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hcdx5/i_win_every_argument_i_have_with_my_chinese_friend/
%
Have you seen that new movie called “constipation”.

Oh my bad..... I don’t think it has come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hccww/have_you_seen_that_new_movie_called_constipation/
%
When Grandma Goes To Court

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll
send you both to the electric chair.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hcai7/when_grandma_goes_to_court/
%
My wife and I were very happy for 25 years...

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hc88o/my_wife_and_i_were_very_happy_for_25_years/
%
And the Lord said unto John: "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hc86m/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
%
The invention of the shovel was truly...

...groundbreaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hc1zg/the_invention_of_the_shovel_was_truly/
%
When in Rome...

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hbzf0/when_in_rome/
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My School's Anime Club Started A Band To Play Reggae

Weeby jammin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hbykl/my_schools_anime_club_started_a_band_to_play/
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When I die I want my remains scattered throughout Disneyland...

I don't want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hbya5/when_i_die_i_want_my_remains_scattered_throughout/
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A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland

, when, as is the custom in such areas, an unexpected rainstorm came up.  Seeking shelter, he found an old stone pub with a light on, and stumbled in through the front door.  The pub was painfully small, with just a handful of stools, a barkeep, and one old man sitting in a stool on the end of the bar, and smelled like the sort of must that can only come from centuries of use.
The college kid sat down on one of the old, wooden stools and ordered a Guinness.  Scowling, the barkeep pulled an ancient can out of some recess of the bar and poured it sloppily, as the college kid handed him a fiver.  The college kid slowly started sipping his drink, staring at the bar, waiting for the rain to pass, when suddenly he noticed that the old man was staring at him.
"How do you do?" the college kid asked him.
The old man just turned and spat on the floor.  Finally, after a long moment, he spoke in a heavy Scottish brogue.
"Duh ya see this bar?  I built this bar out of solid mahogany, I did.  Board by board, I did.  But do they call me old Willie the bar maker?  Nooooooo."
"Alright," thought the college kid, as he turned back to his (ugh) Guinness and continued waiting out the rain.  After a long minute, he heard the old man cough and turned his way again.
"Duh ya see that low stone fence out through yonder window?  I built that fence, I did.  Stone by stone, I did.  But do they call me old Willie the stone layer?  Noooooooo."
"Okey dokey" thought the college kid, and he gave the old man a "cheers" gesture with his (jesus christ) Guinness and turned back.  After another long minute, he heard the old man start to speak again.
"Look out yonder, at that pier stretchin' out into the loch.  Ya see that pier?  I built that pier, I did.  With me own two hands, I did, board by board.  But do they call me old Willie the pier builder?  Noooooooo!"
"But ya fuck one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hby90/a_college_kid_was_hitchhiking_through_the_hills/
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Help wanted: FBI Assassin

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hbwwj/help_wanted_fbi_assassin/
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The masochist said to the sadist, "Hurt Me."

The sadist replied back, "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hbtop/the_masochist_said_to_the_sadist_hurt_me/
%
There are three types of people in the world...

The ones that can count and the ones that cant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hbtbw/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
How did the rooster meet the hen?

Chicken tinder....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hbprc/how_did_the_rooster_meet_the_hen/
%
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket, and thinks...

..."Some asshole has my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hbn76/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?

Me: Personally, I think my biggest weakness is listening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hbgj6/interviewer_where_do_you_see_yourself_five_years/
%
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand...

It's 7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hbfnq/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_to/
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What do you call a cholo detective?

Sherlock, Holmes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hbf3p/what_do_you_call_a_cholo_detective/
%
Blind Cowboy

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.
I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy…. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times…………’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hbcfq/blind_cowboy/
%
What’s the difference between a Scotsman and The Rolling Stones?

The Scotsman says “Hey Macleod, get off my ewe!!”
I’ll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hbcd1/whats_the_difference_between_a_scotsman_and_the/
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Nuts by the fence

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy can riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, and he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.
"Oh, my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing soul at the cemetery."
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hbbf4/nuts_by_the_fence/
%
An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.
The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"
The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"
Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hb922/an_asian_man_walks_up_to_a_bank_teller_to/
%
Did you ever hear about the murder attempt that failed?

You could say it was poorly executed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hb6yf/did_you_ever_hear_about_the_murder_attempt_that/
%
What do you call a Hebrew commando?

GI Jew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hb3z6/what_do_you_call_a_hebrew_commando/
%
If they put Jesus on a fidget spinner...

Would he have died for our spins?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hb21j/if_they_put_jesus_on_a_fidget_spinner/
%
NSFW - A woman is out playing golf one day

She swings and her ball goes flying and hits a man, who immediately grabs his crotch and falls to the ground, writhing in agony.  The woman runs over and says "I'm a nurse, please let me help you!" and she reaches into his pants and starts massaging his penis.  The nurse asks the man "how does that feel?"  He responds "that feels great! But my thumb still hurts like hell though!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hb1oq/nsfw_a_woman_is_out_playing_golf_one_day/
%
What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?

Sorry I didn’t do it on porpoise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hay5k/what_did_the_dolphin_say_to_the_whale_when_he/
%
Germany, Russia and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition...

The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they get to keep everything in the vault as their prize.
The first team up is the German team. The Germans roll in with their tanks and signal that they are ready to start. The light goes off and immediately the sound of tank fire starts. 3 - boom - 2 - boom - 1 - boom. The lights come back on and the vault is still closed, but now it features a few large dents.
The next team up is the team from Russia. They walk up to the vault with bags overflowing with explosives and vodka. They signal that they are ready and the lights go off. 3 - 2- 1. The lights come back on and the vault is covered in explosives ready to be blown apart, but alas the vault is still closed.
The final team up is the team from Poland. They walk up to the vault with nothing but a few screwdrivers and a hammer. They signal that they are ready. 1 - 2 - 3 ... 4 - 5 - 6. The lights stay off. Then a shout from the darkness rings out,  "Jack what the fuck are you stealing the lightbulb for, look at all the money we stole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hax3o/germany_russia_and_poland_are_competing_in_a/
%
Imagine a woman with tree stumps for boobs..

It would be weird, wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hapej/imagine_a_woman_with_tree_stumps_for_boobs/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a ridiculously short man playing the piano

He goes up to the bartender and asks "What's that all about?", motioning towards the tiny man.
The bartender says, "Well you see this rock here?  If you put your hand on it and make a wish it'll come true."
"What? No way, let me try!" the man says.  "Nah man, it's really finicky, usually doesn't turn out right.". "I don't care, just let me try it."  He puts his hand on the rock and closes his eyes.  Suddenly, there's an enormous commotion of quacking from outside the bar.  "What on Earth?!"
They step outside, and the entire lot is filled with ducks.  Ducks blotting out the sky, ducks covering every inch of pavement, ducks on and in every car.  "What the hell!  I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The bartender replies, "Well you think I asked for a ten inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9han2i/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_ridiculously/
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Grandpa joke

My grandpa was a magician. He could walk down a street, and turn into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ham36/grandpa_joke/
%
Redneck logic..

A redneck is peeing in a urinal looks downs and sees a quarter and thinks about it... Reaches in his pocket and throws in another quarter. Then reaches in the urinal and pulls out both quarters. Another man is staring at him and the redneck says "not for a quarter but for fifty cents hell yeah".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9haixz/redneck_logic/
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A man tells his wife he’s not feeling well.

When she comes home from the grocery store, she brings him his favorite soy sauce to cheer him up. He says “Oh, I see, Kikkoman when he’s down”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9hagwl/a_man_tells_his_wife_hes_not_feeling_well/
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A kangaroo walks into a bar

A kangaroo goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the kangaroo, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a kangaroo walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the kangaroo notices anything."
So he walks back over to the kangaroo and hands him two dollars change. The kangaroo doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the kangaroo, "we don't get too many kangaroos in here."
"At eighteen dollars a drink, I'm not surprised," says the kangaroo.
"You noticed!" exclaims the bartender. The bartender rips off his clothes, revealing he is actually a gorilla. "Since you are also a talking animal, I will grant you one wish."
"Could you make me a martini that magically refills?" The kangaroo asks.
"I don't know that kind of magic, and I have no idea how to create that kind of drink!" The gorilla moans.
"Ok, can you stop people reposting on r/jokes whilst only changing the setup?" The kangaroo asks.
"What kind of drink again?" The gorilla asks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9haf9c/a_kangaroo_walks_into_a_bar/
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me: do you serve walk-ins?

Morgue receptionist: What?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ha8ij/me_do_you_serve_walkins/
%
A Russian Man is drinking Vodka in a bar...

A Russian man is drinking a large glass of vodka in a bar when he feels his heart give out and drops dead.
He is approached by a spirit who offers to grant him a wish, now that he is dead. The man thinks it over and says that he’d like to go finish his vodka.
A flash, and he’s a spider hanging from a line of web over his vodka in the bar. He wants the vodka, so he begins pushing out more web as he descends towards his drink.
He stops just above the vodka, out of web, straining to push out just enough web to finally reach the glass... as he feels a hand touch his shoulder and hears a voice say “wake up, man, you’re shitting your pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ha7b3/a_russian_man_is_drinking_vodka_in_a_bar/
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I masturbated over my ex-wife last night.

I know I shouldn't but I've still got a key and she's a heavy sleeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ha250/i_masturbated_over_my_exwife_last_night/
%
Finally getting laser eye surgery next month

Very excited to have laser eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ha11j/finally_getting_laser_eye_surgery_next_month/
%
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ha0wk/i_wrote_down_the_names_of_all_the_people_i_hate/
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Have you heard of the prisoner who tried to go out drinking last night?

He walked into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ha05n/have_you_heard_of_the_prisoner_who_tried_to_go/
%
I’m reading a book on antigravity...

It’s so good, I just can’t put it down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h9y7q/im_reading_a_book_on_antigravity/
%
A skeleton walks into a bar

It orders a beer and a mop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h9y3c/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Did you know that dogs have certain accents based on the countries their from?

For example, in Korea, they make a sizzling noise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h9xn4/did_you_know_that_dogs_have_certain_accents_based/
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In Hollywood, all facts are supposed to be taken with a grain of...

Coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h9tzz/in_hollywood_all_facts_are_supposed_to_be_taken/
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Since we didn’t know his blood type, my father died in the hospital last night.

It’s difficult, but I’m doing my best to pull through. His last words to me were to “Be positive.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h9tj6/since_we_didnt_know_his_blood_type_my_father_died/
%
one of the nice things about getting old

is no longer having to worry about early-onset dementia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h9qur/one_of_the_nice_things_about_getting_old/
%
I’m moving to North Carolina and I think I’m going to buy a house instead of renting

I hear the market is flooded right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h9pt6/im_moving_to_north_carolina_and_i_think_im_going/
%
My friend got made at me for smelling his mothers underwear.

I'm unaware whether it was cause she was there or cause the rest of the family was there. Either way it made for a uncomfortable funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h9kjg/my_friend_got_made_at_me_for_smelling_his_mothers/
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If cows go moo and sheep go baa, what do pigs say?

I'll make America great again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h9glo/if_cows_go_moo_and_sheep_go_baa_what_do_pigs_say/
%
i got hit by iraq

so iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h9cn1/i_got_hit_by_iraq/
%
I was struggling to think of the easiest things to draw today.

So far I've drawn a blank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h9a3c/i_was_struggling_to_think_of_the_easiest_things/
%
How do you get people to click on a post?

like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h99a0/how_do_you_get_people_to_click_on_a_post/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer...

Taking the beer, he takes a few sips.
A couple sits down next to him, orders drinks and starts up a conversation with the cowboy. They ask him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
The cowboy thinks for a moment, and says "Well, I guess so. I ride horses, herd cattle, wear cowboy boots, work outside all day, so yeah, I am a real cowboy."
After the conversation ends, the couple leaves a bar. A few moments later, a young woman sits at the bar and strikes up a conversation with the cowboy, asking "Are you a real cowboy?"
The cowboy responds a little a faster this time, stating "Yeah I guess so, I ride horses, herd cattle, wear cowboy boots, work outside all day, so yeah I am a real cowboy."
Annoyed by the second person asking, the cowboy asks the woman what she is. The woman responds "I am a lesbian, I think about girls all day, when I wake up in the morning, in the shower, eating meals, before bed, I'm thinking about girls."
The conversation ends and the woman leaves the bar. A few moments later, a young man sits at the bar next to the cowboy, and asks "Are you a real cowboy?"
The cowboy responds "I used to think so, but I just discovered I'm a lesbian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h930u/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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So there was once a man that rang Big Ben before there was an electric bell

One day unfortunately the man died after many years of doing his job. Naturally they had to find a replacement.
So after a few interviews a man with no arms comes up and requests the job, the interviewers are confused but he asks to demonstrate.
The man walks right to the edge of the tower and then runs and slams face first into the bell and the bell makes the most incredible noise. Needless to say he’s hired on the spot
After a few years of ringing the bell however the man unfortunately trips and falls to the bottom of the tower.
A huge crowd gathered round the man’s corpse and nobody knew who this man was.
Until one man came up and said “I don’t quite know him but his face rings a bell”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h9240/so_there_was_once_a_man_that_rang_big_ben_before/
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Father: “Son, you were adopted”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 30 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h8w8y/father_son_you_were_adopted/
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My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day of school...

So I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h8uzq/my_wife_told_me_to_get_our_ginger_son_ready_for/
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Why didn't the parents let their kids watch the documentary on global warming?

Too much Gore...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h8uy5/why_didnt_the_parents_let_their_kids_watch_the/
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A man that couldn't speak properly goes to run some errands [long]

His first stop, the bakery. The man fronts up to the counter, and asks the owner, "may I have a bum, please."
Perplexed, the owner asks, "a bum, sir? Sorry, we don't sell those, but we do have buns."
"Yes, that is what I meant, sorry."
After completing his first transaction, the man walks down the street to the local hardware store, and proceeds to enquire with one of the sales staff, "where would I find a fuckit?"
"A fuckit,  sir? Sorry, did you mean a bucket?" The clerk holds up a bucket to the man, and the man once again apologises and heads out the door with his purchase.
He continues down the street, where he enters a pet store.
"Hi there, can I buy a cock-and-spank-it, please."
Once again, the man receives a perplexed, but if not bemused look from the pet shop clerk."
"Sorry, sir... did you mean a cocker spaniel?"
"Yes yes, that's what I meant, terribly sorry."
Transaction  complete, the man leaves the pet store with his new pet on a leash, and walks to the local dog park where the puppy escapes its leash and runs off quick as the dickens.
The man rushes over to a gentleman sitting on a nearby park bench, and exclaims "sir, can you hold my bum and fuck it while I find my cock-and-spank-it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h8tzl/a_man_that_couldnt_speak_properly_goes_to_run/
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Joseph Stalin goes to visit one of the farming collectives outside Moscow

He wants to see their progress with the latest Five-Year Plan.
'Tell Me Comrade,' he asks one farmer. 'How did the potatoes do this year?'
'Very Well, Comrade Stalin. If we piled them up, they would reach God.'
'But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer'
'Nor do the Potatoes, Comrade Stalin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h8t14/joseph_stalin_goes_to_visit_one_of_the_farming/
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Parallel lines have so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h8jl0/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
What do gay horses eat??

Horse cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h8g61/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
%
A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h8dft/a_mechanic_falls_onto_his_tools/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*glarglllllgrlllgagglglgrl*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h8df5/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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3 men are about to take a test to become a CIA agent

They were told that they needed to kill a double agent that was captured recently with the gun given to them. However the trick is that the gun fires blanks and the person in the room is the agent to be’s father, so this is merely a test of dedication, and the final step to becoming a CIA agent
The first man walks in and immediatley walks out saying he cannot kill his own father
The second man walks in, stays in there for 2 minutes, and walks out of the room refusing to kill his own father
The last man walks in, and after 30 second he walks out with blood all over him
“WHAT HAPPENED?” Screeches the exam director.
“Well you see sir I realized the gun you gave me was full of blanks so I killed the agent by beating him with the gun rather than firing my weapon”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h88t0/3_men_are_about_to_take_a_test_to_become_a_cia/
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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h8728/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy"...

I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7zy8/i_have_a_bumper_sticker_that_says_honk_if_you/
%
Given that it be Talk Like A Pirate Day, I be havin' a story about me parrot!

Back when I were just a young sea-dog, I found meself sailin' under the iron grip o' Captain Nobeard. A fearsome pirate, was she, known fer cuttin' down anyone who crossed her!
Well, being a new pirate, I figured I'd be needin' a parrot fer me shoulder. Picked one out, did I, in the first port where we made berth. Being that the bird were always spinning in circles – a great lookout, thought I – the name I chose fer him was "A'turnin."
No sooner had I come back aboard the ship, though, did I find meself under the gaze o' Captain Nobeard!
"Well, matey," said she, "I see you be having a fine new pet!"
"Aye, Cap'n," said I. "His name be 'A'turnin,' on account of his..."
"Enough!" the captain shouted. "Since ye been having such *fun* ashore, tonight you can sweep the anchor chain!" Handed me a broom, did she, and tasked me to sweep every inch of metal holding our anchor.
I took to the chore as any sea-dog would, but each time I was about to get underway, A'turnin would flap down from me shoulder and perch there on the broomstick!
"Back on the shoulder with ye!" shouted I to the bird... but he paid no mind, so I took to tossing him in the air, in the hopes that he'd land back on me shoulder. Each time I did, he'd come back down to rest on the broomstick, keeping me from my work. I'd throw A'turnin off, and he'd come flapping back. I'd throw him again, and there he'd perch!
This went on through the night, until the red horizon of morning dawned. When the captain came out to check on me, she were beset by a great fury.
"What is the meaning of this, swab?!" demanded she. "Why be the anchor chain still unclean?!"
I swallowed then, did I, and answered as honestly as I could:
"I'm sorry, Cap'n!" said I. "I been tossin' A'turnin all night, and I haven't swept a link!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7zet/given_that_it_be_talk_like_a_pirate_day_i_be/
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What do you call a redneck girl who runs faster than her brothers?

A virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7yis/what_do_you_call_a_redneck_girl_who_runs_faster/
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A man had just finished a round of golf....

...and was filling the gas tank of his Mercedes Benz convertible.
A woman at the next pump was admiring his car, and noticed several golf tees on the front seat.  She wasn't quite sure what they were, so she asked, "What are those for?"
The man replied, "That's what I put my balls on when I drive."
The woman shook her head, muttering, "You Mercedes owners have ALL the luxury."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7wf1/a_man_had_just_finished_a_round_of_golf/
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Irish Lobsters

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff,
Ireland man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in
the front yard.
"We're sorry, Mr. O'Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife,
Maureen" said one of the officers."
"Tell me! Did you find her?"
Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which
would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O'Flynn said,
"Give me the bad news first."
The constable said,
"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!"
exclaimed O'Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked,
"What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued,
"When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12
of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her.
Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a
share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded,
"Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied,
"We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7uxc/irish_lobsters/
%
Just found out I've failed my German exam.

Sacre bleu!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7swx/just_found_out_ive_failed_my_german_exam/
%
I've bought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers ready for Halloween.

There's nothing sexual in it, it's just that she'll get a better grip on her broomstick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7sn2/ive_bought_the_wife_a_pair_of_crotchless_knickers/
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I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7sek/i_thought_i_might_be_an_alcoholic_so_i_did_some/
%
At the doctors today

Was at my doctor's today and he said...
I've got some good news and some bad news
OK Doc, give me the bad news
Well, I'm afraid you have Alzheimer's he said.
Fuck me Doc, what's the good news
Well, you'll never read another repost on reddit again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7s1t/at_the_doctors_today/
%
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.
The next day, again.
On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!"
The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
Edit 2: Wow, this got more attention than I expected. Thanks everybody!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7qsa/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_beer/
%
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.

Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7qs4/my_chinese_neighbour_said_hes_just_opened_a_crows/
%
A priest, a drunk, and a engineer are about to be executed...

A priest, a drunk, and a engineer are about to be executed in France during the French Revolution. The priest is first in line and the executor asks him if he wants to be looking up or down as the guillotine blade falls on him. The priest replies "I want to look up at the heavens before I die." As a guillotine blade falls it stop inches before reaching his neck. The spectators cheer "God does not want him to die!" and the priest is free to go. Next, the drunk is asked the same question. " I want to look up and would like to be drinking a glass of wine before I die" said the drunk. As the guillotine blade falls, it stops inches before reaching his neck and once again the spectators cheer "God does not want him to die!" and the drunk is free to go. Finally, it's the engineer's turn. "I also want to look up because the other didn't die by looking up so chances are I won't either" said the engineer. As the guillotine blade is falling the engineer suddenly says "Oh wait! I see the problem with the guillotine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7lr8/a_priest_a_drunk_and_a_engineer_are_about_to_be/
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What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7ipz/what_do_you_call_a_clairvoyant_midget_who_escaped/
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What do you call a quiet mythical sea creature?

A murmurmaid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7ii1/what_do_you_call_a_quiet_mythical_sea_creature/
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I was having trouble learning echolocation

And then it clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7eu4/i_was_having_trouble_learning_echolocation/
%
Who's bigger? Mrs.Bigger, Mr.Bigger or their baby?

The baby because he's a little Bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7b7g/whos_bigger_mrsbigger_mrbigger_or_their_baby/
%
I tried to sue a company that sold me an erectile dysfunction treatment that didn’t work

But the evidence wouldn’t stand up in court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h7799/i_tried_to_sue_a_company_that_sold_me_an_erectile/
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The young couple living next to me made a sex tape...

They just don't know about it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h75aq/the_young_couple_living_next_to_me_made_a_sex_tape/
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Whoever invented the knock knock joke

Should get a Nobell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h71f1/whoever_invented_the_knock_knock_joke/
%
I was talking to my IT friend about my wife...

I was talking to my IT friend about my wife.
"She's waiting for me to get home right now. I wanna have sex with her and she's up to it, but she really wants to try some stuff I'm not too into."
The IT friend looks at him and says, "Have you tried turning her off and on again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h6vzl/i_was_talking_to_my_it_friend_about_my_wife/
%
"Do you have that new book for men with small penises?"

"Ummm... I don't think it's in yet."
"Yeah! That's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h6ujk/do_you_have_that_new_book_for_men_with_small/
%
I'm currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer.

She's going for the ribs.
I might try a duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h6q4x/im_currently_on_a_restaurant_date_with_a_female/
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Butt dialling someone is so risky

If they pick up, your arse is on the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h6q1c/butt_dialling_someone_is_so_risky/
%
I enrolled into dog university...

but i quit because the course was really ruff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h6prg/i_enrolled_into_dog_university/
%
A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up.  He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man
"Where's the good stuff!"
The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."
Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"
The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h6pgv/a_robber_breaks_into_a_house_where_two_people_are/
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I hate Freudian slips

As much as the next gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h6oxz/i_hate_freudian_slips/
%
The other day I suggested that my uptight girlfriend should try masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h6mqm/the_other_day_i_suggested_that_my_uptight/
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What do you call an Iraqi priest?

Holy Shiite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h6fe0/what_do_you_call_an_iraqi_priest/
%
In honor of Intl Talk Like A Pirate Day: a pirate joke megathread

To start:
Q: How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger flag on the cheap?
A: He bought it on sail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h682v/in_honor_of_intl_talk_like_a_pirate_day_a_pirate/
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Why did the apartment lose the bet?

Because the house always wins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h650q/why_did_the_apartment_lose_the_bet/
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Man is born with 3 testes

He goes to the Dr and tells him he’s very frustrated and feels like a freak.
The Dr tells him that men usually brag about such things.
On his way home he sees a man standing at a bus stop, so he walks up to him:
-Hey Buddy, you wanna bet that the two of us has 5 balls altogether?
The stranger looks at him:
-Why, you don’t have any?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h5weu/man_is_born_with_3_testes/
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Punctuation and grammar makes all the difference

Proper punctuation and grammar is the difference between “helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse” and “helping your uncle jack off a horse”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h5tq0/punctuation_and_grammar_makes_all_the_difference/
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What do you call a fast seamstress?

*Tailor Swift*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h5tnh/what_do_you_call_a_fast_seamstress/
%
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia

Staple food to the ceiling
(I’m sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h5s1s/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_ethiopia/
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One day an elderly rich person is summoned by the IRS.

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says the elderly guy. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
The old guy says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
The elderly guy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
The old guy then says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell he isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
The elderly guy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with his attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ the elderly person asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
The old guy stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But the elderly guy's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when He told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h5p5i/one_day_an_elderly_rich_person_is_summoned_by_the/
%
I used to have chronic diarrhea.

It went away after I made some positive lifestyle changes.
I really got my shit together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h5ofv/i_used_to_have_chronic_diarrhea/
%
"Mom, before I was born did you want a boy or a girl?"

"I wanted to pickup a fork that fell on the kitchen floor..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h5meq/mom_before_i_was_born_did_you_want_a_boy_or_a_girl/
%
In the future, if technology makes it possible to replace human limbs

And its common enough that you can buy them in stores, will midgets go to small arms dealers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h5kwg/in_the_future_if_technology_makes_it_possible_to/
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Irish Lobsters

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff,  Ireland man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard.
"We're sorry, Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.”
"Tell me!  Did you find her?"  Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O’Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said,  "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked,  "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued,  "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12  of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her.  Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded,  "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h5gq0/irish_lobsters/
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How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h5dnz/how_much_does_it_cost_for_a_pirate_to_get_his/
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I have a problem with the ELI5 subreddit

Everyone there treats me like a child

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h5cxp/i_have_a_problem_with_the_eli5_subreddit/
%
Someone has my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay!

You have my word...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h593i/someone_has_my_microsoft_office_and_theyre_gonna/
%
Girlfriend vs Best Friend

You come upon your lover and your best friend in the river. They are both drowning. Whom do you save first?
Neither. What the hell were they doing there together in the first place?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h58dn/girlfriend_vs_best_friend/
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Russian computer: "Enter password"

Me: "Beef stew"
Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h575l/russian_computer_enter_password/
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My Dog

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
—Reid Faylor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h560w/my_dog/
%
Your favorite joke from a move or a show?

What's your favotire joke that you heard in a movie or a show?
Mine would be:
“Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h54y5/your_favorite_joke_from_a_move_or_a_show/
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A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h5489/a_guy_was_baptized_and_dipped_in_water_3_times/
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Whaddaya call a guy with no arms & legs trying to waterski?

Skip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h52cn/whaddaya_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_legs_trying_to/
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Did you hear about the redneck couple with 9 kids?

The dad went to the doctor to get a vasectomy and the doctor asked him why.  'Well, we read that 1 out of 10 babies born in the US now are Mexican, and we don't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither the wife nor I speak Spanish'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h51v7/did_you_hear_about_the_redneck_couple_with_9_kids/
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Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?

A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h504k/q_why_is_a_mans_pee_yellow_and_his_sperm_white/
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A Frenchman walks into a compartment to see an Englishman, a ravishing blonde and an old Woman

Upon seeing this he says: “Oh not this shit again”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h504o/a_frenchman_walks_into_a_compartment_to_see_an/
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What do mathematician mermaids wear?

Algae-bras!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h4uwh/what_do_mathematician_mermaids_wear/
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Good point

If you ever think that nobody cares whether you are alive......try missing a couple of payments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h4tyk/good_point/
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The cheese factory was destroyed today...

Debris was everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h4ssq/the_cheese_factory_was_destroyed_today/
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Africans are immune to cholera

I mean first off cholera lives in water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h4qk4/africans_are_immune_to_cholera/
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I need help with a new fence

I heard r/ jokes were great at reposting...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h4q98/i_need_help_with_a_new_fence/
%
I have a perfect dad bod.

I'm a roll model.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h4pcd/i_have_a_perfect_dad_bod/
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During debates, when my opponents said a word that had different meanings based on its spelling, I would take advantage of it and use the word's other meaning to attack them personally.

It was an ad homonym.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h4nu4/during_debates_when_my_opponents_said_a_word_that/
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What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful means that something is against the law. Illegal is a sick type of bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h4mn4/whats_the_difference_between_unlawful_and_illegal/
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Hemorrhoids

Guy goes to the doctor, has a bad case of the hems.
Doctor give him some suppositories and tells him use them 3 times a day and see him a week later.
A week later he goes to the doctor and the doctor asks how he's been doing.
"Hemorrhoids are worse than ever doc, I used all the thingy's you gave me"
"That's hard to believe" says the doc "What have you been doing-eating them?"
"Well what do you think I've been doing? Shoving them up my ass??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h4ki2/hemorrhoids/
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My friend Bert disliked his name

... so he studied all the rules and laws about legally changing it. In case you have any questions about name-changing, feel free to ask him - he is now an ex-Bert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h4grm/my_friend_bert_disliked_his_name/
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I saw a sign that said "falling rocks"

So I tried, and it doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h4bvm/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_falling_rocks/
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A kid goes to the kitchen in the morning

- What do we have for breakfast, mom?
- Look kid, just because I sleep with your father,
doesn't mean you get to call me "mom".
- What do you want me to call you then?
- Just call me William

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h4b3g/a_kid_goes_to_the_kitchen_in_the_morning/
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If FemDom is enjoying being dominated by women...

Is wisdom enjoying being dominated by Wizards?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h45hj/if_femdom_is_enjoying_being_dominated_by_women/
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“Son, I heard you got punished for saying the F-word in class. That wasn’t fun, was it?”

“No Dad, it was Fuck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h43wr/son_i_heard_you_got_punished_for_saying_the_fword/
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A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.
The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"
To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h41o6/a_man_was_sobbing_next_to_his_exwife_in_the/
%
How many monsters can do basic math?

All of them, unless you Count Dracula

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h3yvz/how_many_monsters_can_do_basic_math/
%
How do you make holy water

Boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h3xj9/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
How do you get 11 million followers?

Run through Africa with a bottle of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h3x5l/how_do_you_get_11_million_followers/
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I do have to admit that r/jokes is an incredible ecological feat.

Because of the recycling we are never going to run out of anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h3wyi/i_do_have_to_admit_that_rjokes_is_an_incredible/
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A doctor comes out to the maternity ward waiting room holding a newborn baby and suddenly drops him to the floor.

Seeing the father's shocked face, he laughs and says: "Haha, got you. Don't worry, he was born dead".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h3wlw/a_doctor_comes_out_to_the_maternity_ward_waiting/
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What do you call people you like going to new restaurants with?

Your tastebuds :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h3vrl/what_do_you_call_people_you_like_going_to_new/
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What do you call a dog in the sea?

A subwoofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h3u2n/what_do_you_call_a_dog_in_the_sea/
%
A Guy walks in an Irish Pub

A guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me asking, when you left earlier, where did you go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
because I wanted to make sure I could do it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h3ri3/a_guy_walks_in_an_irish_pub/
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What do you call a one-legged woman wearing Levi's?

Jean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h3ow9/what_do_you_call_a_onelegged_woman_wearing_levis/
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The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch
becomes
Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h3nbo/the_use_of_a_colon_can_really_change_the_intended/
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No toilet paper

Two women walking home drunk had to pee so they went into a graveyard. They had no toilet paper so one woman used her knickers and threw them away. The other used a ribbon from a wreath. The next day their husbands were talking. We'd better keep an eye on our wives, one said, mine came home without her knickers. You think that's bad, said the other, mine had a card up her arse saying "From all the lads at the fire station, we'll never forget you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h3jnp/no_toilet_paper/
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My wife accused me of being a transvestite

So i packed her things and left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h3j1h/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_a_transvestite/
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I'm on a customer help live chat right now and the message tone sounds like someone hitting a tennis ball.

Now that's service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h3i4h/im_on_a_customer_help_live_chat_right_now_and_the/
%
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h3bx7/how_do_you_turn_a_fox_into_an_elephant/
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What’s the difference between a woman and a computer from the 90’s?

The computer will take a 3 1/2” floppy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h2zeo/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
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What did one nihilist say to another?

nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h2z06/what_did_one_nihilist_say_to_another/
%
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because his work was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h2u3w/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h2t77/a_biker_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_down_on_a_bar/
%
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the man who owns this car and stuffed his body in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box, so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h2q3q/a_police_officer_pulls_a_guy_over_for_speeding/
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A Slovak beats his Czech friend at a game of chess.

Czechmate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h2hxn/a_slovak_beats_his_czech_friend_at_a_game_of_chess/
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I heard that Lord Kelvin was a really big guy.

An absolute unit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h2fn1/i_heard_that_lord_kelvin_was_a_really_big_guy/
%
Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h2cfv/once_chuck_norris_threw_a_knife_in_call_of_duty/
%
What do you call a cow who has just given birth?

De-calf-inated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h2c63/what_do_you_call_a_cow_who_has_just_given_birth/
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(Courtesy of a two year old preschooler) why did the banana go to the doctor?...

Because he didn’t peel right!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h24md/courtesy_of_a_two_year_old_preschooler_why_did/
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How do you know if there’s a stegosaurus in your refrigerator?

The door won’t close.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h244d/how_do_you_know_if_theres_a_stegosaurus_in_your/
%
What hormones does a fish use to swim in a house?

Indoor Fins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h21d4/what_hormones_does_a_fish_use_to_swim_in_a_house/
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In Honor of His First Emmy, My Favorite Henry Winkler Joke

Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class.  The attractive stewardess says, "Would you like a drink?" and he says, "Yes, thank you."
She brings him the drink, and then asks, "Would you like some headphones?"
He says, "Absolutely.  But just so you know, it's pronounced 'Fonz.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h2171/in_honor_of_his_first_emmy_my_favorite_henry/
%
Fish & Chips

A man walked into a fish and chips shop run by two priests, but only one was out front. He asked, "Are you the fish friar?"
The man replied, "No, I'm the chip monk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1t1l/fish_chips/
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A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh McTaggart. He succeeded, demonstrating that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1se3/a_pair_of_jesuits_started_a_flower_shop/
%
I once got trapped on a desert island

To be honest, my top 5 favorite albums didn’t help one god damn bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1pk8/i_once_got_trapped_on_a_desert_island/
%
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people.

Then it exploded.
*never forget Chuck Norris.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1phw/chuck_norris_once_threw_a_grenade_and_killed_50/
%
First Date

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped  together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his  dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers,  lobster, champagne...the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother  feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not  looking to get laid, either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1o2y/first_date/
%
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1nxd/george_clooney_leonardo_dicaprio_and_matthew/
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Drinking At The Golden Bar

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!"
This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on."
On the other end, she hears "Hey Rufus, I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1nmy/drinking_at_the_golden_bar/
%
I hate Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1muk/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
So I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1j7k/so_i_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
%
Couple goes golfing

A man takes his wife to play her first game of golf, unfortunately she hacked the first shot the window of the biggest house next to the course. The man cringed "Now we'll have to go up and apologize and see how much you've cost us".
So the couple walk up to the house and knock. A warm voice said, "Come on in". When they opened the door, they saw a broken antique bottle on the floor beside the broken window.
A man reclining on the sofa and asked "Did you break my window?" "Yes we're really sorry about that" the husband replied.
"Oh no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. I'll grant you three wishes, but if you don't mind I'll keep the last for myself?" "wow that's great!" the husband said. "I'd like a million pounds per year for the rest of my life" "No problem" said the genie. "I'd like a mansion in every country in the world!" said the wife. "Of course!" said the genie. "Consider it done" "And now" the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish?" "Well I've been in that bottle without a woman for a thousand years, so my wish is to make love to your wife" The husband looked at his wife. "What do you think?" She thought for a few moments then said "Well the genie has granted our wishes so the last I could do is grant his. But what about you darling?" "You know I love you" He said. So the genie and the wife spent the afternoon making love upstairs and enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about 3 hours, the genie rolled over and said "How old are you and your husband?" "we're both 35" she replied breathlessly. "Really?!" he said “and you guys still believe in genies!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1hcg/couple_goes_golfing/
%
what’s green and smells like bacon?

Kermit the frogs finger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1h33/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
%
How do you turn on a switch?

You finger it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1gxf/how_do_you_turn_on_a_switch/
%
My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money.
A couple of hours later, I get a call from the County jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.
My response...
So you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1eh4/my_cousin_just_called_and_asked_if_i_would_loan/
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A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island

and are all very hungry. They are delighted to find a large can of beans that has been washed up on the beach. Having no way to open the can they try to find a way to the beans. The physicist states that if he puts the can on a fire it will heat up and explode the can allowing them to get to the beans.  The political scientist says that will be way too messy for them. The engineer comes up with the idea that if he drops a large rock or coconut out of a tree, it will smash the can and allow them to get at the beans. The political scientist says again that this will be way too messy for them. Hearing this for a second time, the physicist and engineer ask the political scientist if he has any better ideas. To which he stands up and says "Assuming we have a can opener..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1b90/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_political_scientist/
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George Clooney Matt Damon and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.

George said: I'll Direct
Matt Damon said: I'll produce
Matthew McConaughey said: ill write ill write ill wriite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1aq2/george_clooney_matt_damon_and_matthew_mcconaughey/
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There were two morticians that had a bitter family feud

for many years. On his death bed, one mortician told his son he wished to finally put an end to the quarrel, and requested to be cremated by his rival. His son nodded, but noticed his father was in pain, and asked if he needed a nurse. The man said, "No, I'm fine, it's just a bit uncomfortable with this stick of dynamite up my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1aaj/there_were_two_morticians_that_had_a_bitter/
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I'm so tired of double standards.

When women have sex with a bunch of guys they're "empowering themselves" or "owning their sexuality".
Meanwhile, if I do the same thing I'm "just some gay guy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1aa6/im_so_tired_of_double_standards/
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ER patient with a flashlight up his ass!

He was delighted upon its removal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1a3w/er_patient_with_a_flashlight_up_his_ass/
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When two rednecks divorce

Do they still remain family?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h19cd/when_two_rednecks_divorce/
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I wrote a poem

I dig, you dig.
He dig, she dig.
We dig.
It isn't a very beautiful, but it's certainly deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h13qv/i_wrote_a_poem/
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Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1256/ron_chestna_89_years_of_age_was_stopped_by_the/
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How do you find a lost Will Smith in the snow?

You just look for the Fresh Prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h11f0/how_do_you_find_a_lost_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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If my lawyer can be paid in sexual favors...

Does that mean he works Pro Boner?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h1067/if_my_lawyer_can_be_paid_in_sexual_favors/
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Biggest Pee Pee

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy  and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when  the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play 'Who's Got  the Biggest Pee Pee'".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy," said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner.
And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed.
Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's.
As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won, is it because I'm a redneck?"
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0xfn/biggest_pee_pee/
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Nerds

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a  beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:  "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK". He goes in and sits down.  The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy,  and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a  truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The  bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his  glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils  stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long.  The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the  guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said  not to worry, "The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are  in season now. You don't even need a license", he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and  heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and  the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all  over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,  grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and  programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let  them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he  pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them  instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car  screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I  thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0wdn/nerds/
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Bud Light

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes  home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and  swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came  home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea.  I swished and  swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0uqr/bud_light/
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Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0u0c/astronaut_1_i_cant_find_any_milk_for_my_coffee/
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My finances are ok right now

0K* sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0sxg/my_finances_are_ok_right_now/
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A guy walks into a pub with a cat and a heron...

... and they all sit at the bar. The guy calls over the bartender and orders himself a beer. The heron orders a glass of wine and the cat orders a whisky but tells the guy he has got to pay. The heron and the cat take their drinks and sit at a table.
The bartender leans over to the guy and asks what that was all about. The guy says "well I found this lamp in the attic. I thought what the hell and gave it a rub. And to my surprise out came a genie!." The bartender taken aback ask what the guys wish was. The guy says " I am a simple man and all I wished for was a bird with long legs and a tight pussy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0rv9/a_guy_walks_into_a_pub_with_a_cat_and_a_heron/
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So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently, it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0qef/so_i_suggested_to_my_wife_that_shed_look_sexier/
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What do you call it when three A-Sexuals spend the night together.

A menage et '*Nah*'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0ogs/what_do_you_call_it_when_three_asexuals_spend_the/
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You should always feed your dog well,

You don't want a bad yelp review.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0o8t/you_should_always_feed_your_dog_well/
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Class trip to the coca-cola company factory

I hope there's no pop quiz
Cause I'm diabetic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0mfd/class_trip_to_the_cocacola_company_factory/
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A fly is sitting alone on a pile of crap. A fly lands next to him and says,

Is this stool taken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0m7u/a_fly_is_sitting_alone_on_a_pile_of_crap_a_fly/
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When I was growing up, I went to school with a boy named Justin Reimer.

Now, Justin's father was a Supreme Court Justice, and like father like son, Justin was the head of every political club in our school. Graduation came, he was accepted into Harvard's School of Law (to no one's surprise), and that was the last I saw of him. Or so I thought...
Twenty years later, my wife and I are on a road trip to head over to Anaheim, California, for our yearly vacation. We go see Universal Studios, we take a peek at DisneyLand, and we go to SeaWorld since my wife always wanted to see a dolphin. The dolphin attraction was quite fascinating; they had a system where you could pay a quarter and have a keeper give a dolphin a piece of fish for you - and since dolphins are so smart, the young ones figured that they could put in a little elegance to please their audiences in order to get more fish.
The youngest dolphins were served by a man that looked vaguely familiar to me, and I spotted him again once we were leaving the park. I approached him, and sure enough, it was none other than Justin Reimer! My wife and I walk over to him, I introduce the two together, and we invite him for a beer.
While we're discussing things over a pint, I ask him why he's at SeaWorld. "I thought you were gonna go big, dude! You even got into fucking HARVARD! Hell, half the class thought you were going for President!"
"Well, Anon, after I graduated, Suma Cum Laude, I went to work for the second-largest law firm in New York City. I was doing so well, I was offered a partnership in the law firm, and I accepted. A few years passed and the firm was doing great, then someone from the Republican Party came to me and asked me if I wanted to '... become a senator. We think you have a chance at winning the upcoming election.' This was gonna be a major change in my life, and I told him I'd take some time to reflect on it. That weekend, I went out to my summer house in The Hamptons to do some hard thinking. So I took a good hard look at my life and realized that I wasn't on a path that was morally sound, for me. After all, being a lawyer is just helping wealthy criminals beat the system. And the Republican Party? I mean... c'mon. 'This just isn't for me', I thought. So, when I saw a posting for the job I'm currently working, which is feeding baby dolphins, I figured 'Why the hell not?' Because here, at SeaWorld, I find I truly have a chance to serve a youthful porpoise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0fjq/when_i_was_growing_up_i_went_to_school_with_a_boy/
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A girl decides to take her boyfriend on holidays along with her family

During the night, the girl decides to sleep in the upper part of the bunk, and his little brother decides to sleep on the lower part.
A few minutes later, her boyfriend arrives at the room. So, the girl and her boyfriend start to kiss and touch on the upper part of the bunk while her little brother is asleep.
In order to not let her brother know what they were doing in case he woke up and heard them, they decided to set up some "key words".
So, the girl says: "Ok, if I say mayonnaise I want it harder, if I say cheese I want it softer and if I want spanking I'll just say ham".
After a few moments they started to have sex and the girl started saying: "Oh yeah, mayonnaise, mmm mayonnaise, oh no, cheese..."
A few moments later the boy woke up and yelled: "Hey, you two! Stop making sandwiches up there, you're spilling mayonnaise all over me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0fgs/a_girl_decides_to_take_her_boyfriend_on_holidays/
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I just realized the sub’s logo is a microphone.

There’s no joke. Just wanted to let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0dr4/i_just_realized_the_subs_logo_is_a_microphone/
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods...

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned ☝her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0cgd/a_woman_was_out_golfing_one_day_when_she_hit_the/
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Two Eskimos were sitting in their kayak and started getting cold.

So they decided to build a fire. Of course shortly after the kakak sank.
The moral of the story is you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h0b8g/two_eskimos_were_sitting_in_their_kayak_and/
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I can't understand my parents.

I am 35 years old and they're still living with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h09cu/i_cant_understand_my_parents/
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There was once a competition involving three gruelling tasks.

The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:
1)Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go.
2)Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.
3)And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.
Many  people bravely tried their hand at it. Few could get beyond the first  stage. And the inebriated few who managed it, got promptly eaten  up by  the starving lion. There was none who could read the third stage.
And  then, one fine day, a nonchalant man walked into the contest. Five   bottles of whiskey were nothing for him. He emptied five bottles in five   gulps. Then he said, “Show me the lion!” When shown the room, he  coolly  walked in. There was no hint of fear on his face, but rather the  cool  confidence of a person who knew he could do it.
Sounds  of a mammoth fight came from the room. Screams of the man and  growls  of the lion were intermingled. Thumps and thuds which shook the  very  earth ensued. All of a sudden there was a piercing, heart-rending  roar  from the Lion. The audience waited with bated breath, their hair  stood  on end. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the titanic roar   stopped. An eerie silence prevailed.
As  the audience watched, with eyes popping out, the door of the room  opened, and out came the man. Badly bruised, with blood streaming from   his face, hands and legs, he stumbled out – victorious, nevertheless.   His face had the glow of satisfaction of an emperor who had just won a   battle.
And then he asked, “Where is the woman whose eyes I have to pluck out?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h048j/there_was_once_a_competition_involving_three/
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I hate people who don’t know which “Your” to use

Their so annoying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9h03hs/i_hate_people_who_dont_know_which_your_to_use/
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On their first date, a man asked his gal if she'd like a drink.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette.
"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date replied.
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.
"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzzzg/on_their_first_date_a_man_asked_his_gal_if_shed/
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A elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest...

...“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzumd/a_elderly_man_goes_into_confession_and_says_to/
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Whenever I'm down, I always look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel.

I really hope it's a train this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gztk8/whenever_im_down_i_always_look_forward_to_the/
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A friend and I were talking about sex and I asked him, if his girlfriend lets him do it in the other hole.

He quickly exclaimed: Hell NO!!! She might get pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzsuq/a_friend_and_i_were_talking_about_sex_and_i_asked/
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My neighbor's been stalking me

I think my neighbor is stalking me. She searched up my name last night, I saw through her bedroom window. Thank god I have this telescope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzqur/my_neighbors_been_stalking_me/
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My wife went to see the doctor, as we thought she may have Tourette's

Turns out there's nothing wrong with her: I'm just a fucking cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzpot/my_wife_went_to_see_the_doctor_as_we_thought_she/
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3 friends are arguing over who gets more "action"

Friend 1: I fucked almost 20 women last week
Friend 2: I fucked almost 60 women last week
Friend 3: I fucked all the Redditors expecting a punchline here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzp0k/3_friends_are_arguing_over_who_gets_more_action/
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I divorced my best friend 10 years ago...

My wife is a lot happier now, but Dave.....Dave’s not here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzo7n/i_divorced_my_best_friend_10_years_ago/
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Why is it hard to keep score in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally ban

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzo6b/why_is_it_hard_to_keep_score_in_afghanistan/
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My friend, who's a mathematician ..

Years ago, my friend, who's a mathematician, moved out to the woods to become a musician. I thought it was weird they chose that route but people do what they do, right?
Anyway, i saw him at the grocery store today and asked him what he had been up to.
"Oh you know, just bustin out logarithims."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzmo2/my_friend_whos_a_mathematician/
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Q: What do Nickelback and racism have in common?

A: Both are fun to joke about, but I wouldn't want to see either in real life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzmet/q_what_do_nickelback_and_racism_have_in_common/
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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, “what’s the word on the street?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzl7c/yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_spill_all_his_scrabble/
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I had forgotten how to throw a boomerang

but then it came back to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzknj/i_had_forgotten_how_to_throw_a_boomerang/
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Gender differences are funny and shouldn't be taken too seriously.

Type "1" if you agree or "2" if you are a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzkhe/gender_differences_are_funny_and_shouldnt_be/
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Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzjmw/four_men_are_in_the_hospital_waiting_room_because/
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Why did the blonde have a bruised belly button?

Her boyfriend was blonde too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzjex/why_did_the_blonde_have_a_bruised_belly_button/
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What is blue and smells like red paint ?

Blue paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzie2/what_is_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?" The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask "Is this some kind of a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzgho/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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If I go to jail I'm changing my name to mitochondria

That way I can become the powerhouse of the cell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzg62/if_i_go_to_jail_im_changing_my_name_to/
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Husband comes home from work

And finds his wife fooling around with a friend of his. Without much thinking, he takes out his gun an shoots him.
"See." Says his wife. "That's why you don't have any friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzfiu/husband_comes_home_from_work/
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What’s gynaecology and call centre work have in common?

You spend most of your working day dealing with horrible cunts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzc42/whats_gynaecology_and_call_centre_work_have_in/
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I make a mean lasagne.

It's quite average

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzc1t/i_make_a_mean_lasagne/
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How's a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass?

Satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gzb77/hows_a_welshman_find_a_sheep_in_tall_grass/
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Every ten minutes someone somewhere is told they have breast cancer

They probably heard the first time. No need to keep rubbing it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gz8qk/every_ten_minutes_someone_somewhere_is_told_they/
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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom.

The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first. A few
minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his
arms.
The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!"
To which the Irishman replies, "One of those babies is Jewish, and I'm not
taking any chances!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gz3xw/a_jew_an_irishman_and_a_black_man_are_in_a/
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How to tell what part of Washington you're in: Forest is west, desert is east...

Swamp is DC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gz23r/how_to_tell_what_part_of_washington_youre_in/
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I just invented a memory loss pill!

I think...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gyxov/i_just_invented_a_memory_loss_pill/
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Where did Mary go after the gas explosion at her house?

Everywhere...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gyxmj/where_did_mary_go_after_the_gas_explosion_at_her/
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What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of jesus

You can hang the picture with only one nail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gyplj/whats_the_difference_between_the_real_jesus_and_a/
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John and Bill were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bill but could not find him anywhere.
Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, “St. Peter, I know Bill was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!” St. Peter said, “My son, I am sorry to tell you Bill didn’t make it to Heaven.”
This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bill one more time.
St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bill sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, “Are you sure I’m in the right place?”
“My son,” St. Peter said, “looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gyooy/john_and_bill_were_inseparable_childhood_friends/
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What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can’t hear an enzyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gyo1i/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
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At one point in time...

we thought atoms represented the smallest unit of matter. Although initially thought to be indivisible, this was proven false and each atom is made up of proton, neutrons, and electrons inside.
For a time these were the smallest units, then we found that these protons and neutrons were made up of particles called quarks and leptons, which are infinitely smaller. These were the smallest units in existence.
However, as science is always evolving, it has recently been proven that infinitely smaller than even these quarks and leptons is the number of people who have actually changed any political opinion because of what someone shared on Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gylpa/at_one_point_in_time/
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I'm a social vegan

I avoid meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gyijx/im_a_social_vegan/
%
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gygfk/this_is_the_hardest_part_of_our_job_said_the/
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With an "R"

It's Dirty Johnny's first day in college.  He enters his first class in the morning and takes a seat as the Professor walks in.
"Good morning.  My name is Prof. Prussy."  The class starts to laugh and Prof. Prussy says, "I'm glad you find it funny.  Just remember it's with an "R".
That night Dirty Johnny got himself very wasted.  The next day he comes to class all hung over looking like crap.
Prof. Prussy zeroes in on him and says, "Young man, Johnny is it?  You do not look like you are fit to be in my class this morning.  I bet you don't even remember my name."
Sensing he was in trouble, Johnny looks around his classmates for help when he found a helpful female student point to her crotch and mouth "with an R".
Johnny nods and smiles then looks at the professor.
"Of course I remember your name Professor Crunt!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gyfxj/with_an_r/
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What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gybdl/what_do_you_call_a_witch_that_only_eats_sand/
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow-job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gyb83/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_tree/
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Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

because they are all dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gy7nf/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
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I asked my Mexican friend if he will be upset if Trump manages to build the wall.

He said, “ Eh. I’ll get over it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gy5ds/i_asked_my_mexican_friend_if_he_will_be_upset_if/
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Handed my Grandpa a sweet tea

He took a sip and said "ahh, this is like having sex in a canoe"
"Does that mean it's good" i replied
"No, it's fucking pretty close to water"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gy43q/handed_my_grandpa_a_sweet_tea/
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Why did the teenagers cross the road?

Because they saw other teenagers doing it on social media.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gy3la/why_did_the_teenagers_cross_the_road/
%
Where do you go after r/food bans you?

A food court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gy3i4/where_do_you_go_after_rfood_bans_you/
%
My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?"

I said I'd take either/oar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gy2vu/my_wife_handed_me_two_kayak_paddles_and_asked/
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I gave some man in the street my wallet, phone, and watch...

He was so happy he put his gun away and ran off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gy27h/i_gave_some_man_in_the_street_my_wallet_phone_and/
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A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."
The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"
The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".
The deer fined the bear $500.
A few days later, the window got broken again, so the deer asked "Who broke the window!?"
A squirrel responded "I kinda did..."
The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"
The squirrel said: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".
The deer fined the bear $1000.
A few days later, the whole toilet got messed up - the fixtures smashed, the toilet broken and bloodied, the window broken, the door scratched, etc. So the deer asked "Who did all this!?"
The hedgehog replied "I kinda did...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gxymk/a_deer_had_a_bar_one_day_he_found_the_toilet/
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A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.

Another one sticks his head out and yells:
"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gxw5a/a_man_is_yelling_people_listen_to_me_i_am_the_son/
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I heard that all Canadians have the same blood type.

Apparently, they're all type Eh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gxvck/i_heard_that_all_canadians_have_the_same_blood/
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What do you call the world's best female freestyle rapper?

Feminem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gxs70/what_do_you_call_the_worlds_best_female_freestyle/
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What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brown?

Artificial Intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gxou4/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_blonde_dyes_her_hair/
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What is the least interesting element?

Boron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gxmly/what_is_the_least_interesting_element/
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Did you hear about the shop that sells sentient drones?

They're flying off the shelves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gxi6v/did_you_hear_about_the_shop_that_sells_sentient/
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Why did the lesbian couple buy their neighbor a Rolex?

Because he told them: "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gxfob/why_did_the_lesbian_couple_buy_their_neighbor_a/
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What is the power to move sea birds with your mind called?

Pelicanesis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gxari/what_is_the_power_to_move_sea_birds_with_your/
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A guy comes to the shops counter to pay for a pack of condoms

Vendor: you want a bag with that?
Guy: No thanks, she is not that ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gx8dl/a_guy_comes_to_the_shops_counter_to_pay_for_a/
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Dumb kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, it's game over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gx51n/dumb_kid/
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gx2ye/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
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I had 3 bitches making me sandwich this morning. I felt like a pimp

That is why I like Subway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gww6y/i_had_3_bitches_making_me_sandwich_this_morning_i/
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A young man on his first date.

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gww30/a_young_man_on_his_first_date/
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What's Owen Wilson's favorite video game?

WoW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gwqdi/whats_owen_wilsons_favorite_video_game/
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I was loudly advertising my Hawaiian finger-food stand in a public place and everybody started running away - wtf...

"Aloha Snackbar!" "Aloha Snackbar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gwq2u/i_was_loudly_advertising_my_hawaiian_fingerfood/
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I hope that the guy who invented auto correct

burns in hello.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gwneu/i_hope_that_the_guy_who_invented_auto_correct/
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Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?

Because they already heard this joke like 20 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gwneo/why_was_the_antivaxxers_4_year_old_child_crying/
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Why did Melania blow Donald Trump?

She thought if she kissed a toad he'd finally become a prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gwmi5/why_did_melania_blow_donald_trump/
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I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest as a hotdog.

I'm on a roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gwl4r/i_won_my_17th_straight_halloween_costume_contest/
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Where did Oscar the Grouch get all of his opiates from?

Poppy street

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gwf1r/where_did_oscar_the_grouch_get_all_of_his_opiates/
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Dogs can't use an MRI machine

But cats can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gwek7/dogs_cant_use_an_mri_machine/
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Has anyone lost a large roll of 20-dollar bills in a rubber band?

Because we found the rubber band

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gwaea/has_anyone_lost_a_large_roll_of_20dollar_bills_in/
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Genesis

At first, there was nothing. And then God said, "let there be light".
There was still nothing. But now you could see it more clearly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gw7r4/genesis/
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10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife’s still really angry about it but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was a great idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gvqky/10_years_ago_today_i_married_my_best_friend/
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I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun

But NaH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gvo20/id_tell_a_sodium_and_hydrogen_pun/
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I walked into a pet shop.

I said, "I want to return this bird cage. My girlfriend's parrot is dead. Choked to death."
He said, "Have you got the receipt?"
I said, "No."
He said, "Why not? We need proof that you paid for it."
I said, "The parrot ate it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gvnp1/i_walked_into_a_pet_shop/
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I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.

It’s nice to have a little bit of company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gvig1/i_was_feeling_lonely_so_i_bought_some_shares/
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You know what's better than a rape whistle?

A rape knife or a rape gun. All's I'm saying is don't bring a whistle to a rape fight.
credit to comedian Doug Mellard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gve3p/you_know_whats_better_than_a_rape_whistle/
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How do IT guys take a dump?

They log out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gva89/how_do_it_guys_take_a_dump/
%
I got a good laugh out of my dentist this morning...

I cracked a tooth and I told my dentist:
"I didn't find the piece that came off, so I'm assuming I swallowed it. I'm really hoping it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass."
He started explaining how I shouldn't worry about it, paused, and then started laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gva5i/i_got_a_good_laugh_out_of_my_dentist_this_morning/
%
I called a suicide hotline in saudi arabia

they got excited and asked me if i could fly a plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gv6fz/i_called_a_suicide_hotline_in_saudi_arabia/
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I got mugged by a thief last night.

I got mugged by a theif  last night on my way from work.
Pointing a knife at me and asked me... "Your money or your life!".
I told him I am Married... "So I have no money and I have no life... ".
We hugged and cried together.
It was a beautiful moment....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gv4ha/i_got_mugged_by_a_thief_last_night/
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Ditto is the term for when two people say the same thing. What's the term for two people who go to the same college?

Debto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gv2sk/ditto_is_the_term_for_when_two_people_say_the/
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How I Lost My Teeth!!!

I was at CHUCK'S BAR AND GRILL last night, at the bar waiting for a beer when, a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number." I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?" She said, "I sure do," as she smiled with anticipation. I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gv2po/how_i_lost_my_teeth/
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Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gv17d/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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A woman is sat in the bath

She hears a knock on the door and get nervous.
‘Who is it?’ She asks,
‘It’s the blind man!’ Says the man on the other side of the door.
‘Great’ the woman thought, ‘he’s blind he won’t be able to see me naked’
‘Come in!’ She calls.
The man walks in, has a brief look around the room and at the woman in the bath.
‘Nice tits, where do you want the blinds?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9guy0i/a_woman_is_sat_in_the_bath/
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Why was the Native American pissed at the maître d’?

He gave his reservation to a white man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gupki/why_was_the_native_american_pissed_at_the_maître_d/
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How Long Is An Asian Name.

Yes it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gupbe/how_long_is_an_asian_name/
%
To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gun59/to_the_women_who_say_men_are_only_interested_in/
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It sucks being a grown up.

Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9guhxm/it_sucks_being_a_grown_up/
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The only difference between a weekday and a weekend ...

is which boss is telling me to do things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9guhfk/the_only_difference_between_a_weekday_and_a/
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My girlfriend started crying because I called her fake

So I wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9guhbt/my_girlfriend_started_crying_because_i_called_her/
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"I think my girlfriend is cheating on me," said my friend.

My second friend said, "Correct, I've been fucking her for the past month...As well as a bunch of other guys.﻿"
I said, "I never knew you were fucking a bunch of guys."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gudzi/i_think_my_girlfriend_is_cheating_on_me_said_my/
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I gave my friend gifts of gold and frankincense last Christmas

It’ll keep him coming back for myrrh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gudek/i_gave_my_friend_gifts_of_gold_and_frankincense/
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It's true

What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, always has 6 letters, but never has 5 letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gudbs/its_true/
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I don't get this new hype around synthetic meats.

I mean, why are we re-inventing the veal?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gubs2/i_dont_get_this_new_hype_around_synthetic_meats/
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A savage wife

Wife : I am going to London for a month.What should I bring for you?
Husband: A nice British Blonde...
*after 1 month*
Husband : Where is my gift?
Wife : Wait for 9 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gub1k/a_savage_wife/
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Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back?

Because there's a squirrel in the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gu8gv/why_does_a_squirrels_tail_grow_from_its_back/
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A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gu8ea/a_range_of_alcoholic_drinks_is_being_produced/
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My wife has a knockout figure.

If she walks into you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gu83o/my_wife_has_a_knockout_figure/
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Fact

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies...... Men are so polite that they only look at the covered parts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gu7w1/fact/
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A woman dies and her spirit goes to judgment

God tells her that she's not been very good but also not evil, so she can choose heaven or hell. She asks to become an angel in heaven of course.
An angel takes her on a tour of heaven. Behind a closed door she hear tortured screams. "What is that?", she asks. The angel replies "don't worry, they're just drilling holes in someones back to fit the wings in". They keep walking. Behind another closed door there are more screams. "Don't worry- they're just drilling a hole in the head to hold the halo".
The woman yells "If this is heaven, take me to hell!"
"But you'll be brutally raped there all day for eternity!" replies the angel.
Says the woman- "I already got holes for that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gu7sf/a_woman_dies_and_her_spirit_goes_to_judgment/
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The Ivy-league Linguist

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gu7i7/the_ivyleague_linguist/
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I’m thinking about removing my spine...

It’s only just holding me back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gu7hg/im_thinking_about_removing_my_spine/
%
Climate change is such a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gu6ee/climate_change_is_such_a_joke/
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r/jokes: The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day,

and some of them aren't even reposts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gu59s/rjokes_the_funniest_sub_on_reddit_hundreds_of/
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There are actors called Tom Holland and Tom Hollander

I can only deduce from this that there are also actors called Tom Holland With A Vengeance, Live Free or Tom Holland & A Good Day To Tom Holland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gu499/there_are_actors_called_tom_holland_and_tom/
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I don't want my son buying Grand Theft Auto. Having sex with prostitutes, stealing from innocent people, driving recklessly...

I can teach him about these for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gtzip/i_dont_want_my_son_buying_grand_theft_auto_having/
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A woman was at the supermarket

with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gtwc5/a_woman_was_at_the_supermarket/
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I had a genetic test done...

I learned brave men run in my family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gtuvw/i_had_a_genetic_test_done/
%
What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?

White people look both ways before they start...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gttsh/what_does_a_racist_joke_and_crossing_the_street/
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Orion's Belt is a waist of space.

Bad pun, I know. 3 stars at best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gttlk/orions_belt_is_a_waist_of_space/
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What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law?

“A defendANT”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gtnhv/what_do_you_call_an_insect_who_is_in_trouble_with/
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Jewish Man calls Newspaper office to print death news of his Grandpa

Clerk: $50 per word
Jewish Man: Grandpa Dead
Clerk: Sorry Sir, Minimum 5 words required ...
Jewish Man: "Grandpa Dead, Wheelchair for Sale!”
*Edit to western currency*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gtmu0/jewish_man_calls_newspaper_office_to_print_death/
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman

Found themselves aboard a plane that is about to crash. The Englishman decides he would rather die on his own terms and yells "god save me" and jumped. Miraculously he landed on a haystack safe and sound. The Irishman, seeing this, thinks he too might as well give it a try. So he yells out loud "god save me" and jumps. He lands in a lake, safe and sound. The Scotsman now thoroughly encouraged takes a running leap and jumps out of the plane. He yells out in his thick Scottish accent "god shave me", and lands in a barbers shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gtkcs/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman/
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Two salesmen were going door to door

. They knocked on one door and a woman answered. She was extremely unhappy to see them.
She told them angrily she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. But to her surprise, the door bounced back open. She tried again and really slammed the door hard, but again it was the same result – the door bounced back open.
Convinced the rude salesmen were sticking a foot in her door, she reared back to give it a huge slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said, “Ma’am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gthh2/two_salesmen_were_going_door_to_door/
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Daddy long legs

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat...
'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden' she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gtes9/daddy_long_legs/
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I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gtd2w/i_found_a_wallet_what_do_i_do/
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What snake is 3.14 metres long?

A πthon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gt8dd/what_snake_is_314_metres_long/
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I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good.

Honestly, it's a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gt5nw/i_dont_understand_whats_so_hard_about_describing/
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Why did the one drawing not trust the other drawing?

It was being sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gt56x/why_did_the_one_drawing_not_trust_the_other/
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I heard they are making a "Tinder" app for midgets...

...it's called "Kindling"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gt3t8/i_heard_they_are_making_a_tinder_app_for_midgets/
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A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.

BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.
VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gt1ub/a_boob_a_vagina_and_an_asshole_are_debating_as_to/
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So I was fired from the keyboard factory today...

Boss told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gszam/so_i_was_fired_from_the_keyboard_factory_today/
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Porn

I was having sex the other day, banging away, when I suddenly stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.
She said "What's up"?
I said "Nothing,  it's something that I picked up watching internet porn, it's called  Buffering"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gssg0/porn/
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I let my blonde friend borrow my car for a week

I called her up and said, "I'll be home at 2pm, come over, have some lunch, and drop my car off."
"Sure!" She said. "See you then."
2pm passes... 4pm passes... 8pm passes.
I call her up and say, "Where the hell are you?!"
"I drove by twice and didn't see your car in the drive, where the hell are you?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gsrun/i_let_my_blonde_friend_borrow_my_car_for_a_week/
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If life gives you melons

You are probably dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gsrpm/if_life_gives_you_melons/
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Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

* 1st in beer
* 2nd in wine
* 3rd in whiskey
* 4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
* The 1st worm in beer, dead.
* The 2nd in wine, dead.
* The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
* The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class, "What do we learn from this experiment?"
A child responds, "Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, will not get a worm infection."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gspzy/four_earthworms_are_placed_in_four_separate_test/
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Back and Forth In and Out Yeah Baby!!!

right. . . a little to the left. . . she could feel the sweat on her
forehead . . . between her breasts . . . and trickling down the small of
her back . . . she was getting near the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife
moved . . . forwards then backwards . . . forward then backward, again . . .
and again . . . her heart was pounding now . . . her face was flushed . . .
she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . .
finally . . . totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream . . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gslia/back_and_forth_in_and_out_yeah_baby/
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A man goes to the doctor, “Doctor, I have a golf ball stuck up my butt”

The doctor asks, “how did that get up there?”
The man replies, “ I don’t know but it’s up a fairway”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gsf5i/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_doctor_i_have_a_golf/
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Whats the difference between a cactus and my neighbours house?

The cactus has pricks on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gsd5i/whats_the_difference_between_a_cactus_and_my/
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A lioness makes a nice kill, but has to catch a flight soon after.

There isn’t enough time to eat it all, and and she doesn’t want to waste so much good meat, so she just decides to bring it with her.
She gets to the airport, checks in and gets her boarding pass. She’s about to go through security when she’s stopped. “Sorry ma’am,” the guard says, “we don’t allow carrion.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gscgc/a_lioness_makes_a_nice_kill_but_has_to_catch_a/
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Three friends go on a skiing trip.

Three friends go on a skiing trip, but they need to save money so they rent a cabin with only one bed that’s big enough for all three of them.
After the first night the guy on the left says he had the most amazing dream. A busty blonde seduced him and gave him an amazing handjob.
The guy on the right says he had a similar dream. “A beautiful brunette gave me a handjob in a hot tub,” he says.
The guy in the middle looks disappointed. “Well that’s not fair. I just had a dream I was skiing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gs8ta/three_friends_go_on_a_skiing_trip/
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Yo mama so fat...

Thanos had to clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gs6ef/yo_mama_so_fat/
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A man walks up to a prostitute and says "how's business?"

"It comes and goes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gs4qu/a_man_walks_up_to_a_prostitute_and_says_hows/
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Her

: what's my sign again?
Me: *struggling to remember* what's the part of newspapers where they talk about dead people?
Her: obituaries?
Me: OH BITCH U ARIES

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gs3aq/her/
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"Have you considered using an alternative name for hell?"

"I heaven't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gs1vs/have_you_considered_using_an_alternative_name_for/
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What's the difference between tuna, piano, and glue?

You can tuna piano, but cannot piano a tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gs1au/whats_the_difference_between_tuna_piano_and_glue/
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I used to have terrible amnesia.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9grw8h/i_used_to_have_terrible_amnesia/
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I once saw a kid getting bullied by 4 men so I stepped in.

He did not stand a chance against 5 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gruw2/i_once_saw_a_kid_getting_bullied_by_4_men_so_i/
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A first place winner at the International Pun Contest

A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9grqbd/a_first_place_winner_at_the_international_pun/
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My friend called me average the other day;

That’s just mean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9grptu/my_friend_called_me_average_the_other_day/
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What did the frogs do to the broken car?

They TOAD it away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9grndr/what_did_the_frogs_do_to_the_broken_car/
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My lesbian neighbors bought me a new Rolex for my birthday.

I'm more of an Omega guy myself, but it was still a nice gesture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9grmzb/my_lesbian_neighbors_bought_me_a_new_rolex_for_my/
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If I was a storm, do you know what kind of storm I would be?

A Tropical Depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9griu5/if_i_was_a_storm_do_you_know_what_kind_of_storm_i/
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How many men does it take to defend France?

They don't  know either , They never tried

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9grexj/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_defend_france/
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What is a dog's favorite email folder?

Scent messages!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gredv/what_is_a_dogs_favorite_email_folder/
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My husband is an AED

I turn him on and he tells me what to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9grdv9/my_husband_is_an_aed/
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A judge asks a defendant to please stand.

"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Ya cheap sonnafabitch!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"Ya lousy fukker! " the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that man for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9grdbl/a_judge_asks_a_defendant_to_please_stand/
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A man, tired of busy life in the city, moves to a house at the countryside,

...in middle of nowhere. After living there for few months, his nearest neighbor, a big, hairy guy living a few miles away, comes to visit him for the first time.
"Theres gonna be a party tonight at my place, are you interested?", asks the neighbor. The guy, already a bit bored of his quiet living, says "Okay, why not."
"There will be some dancing and singing there", informs the neighbor.
"It's okay, I can sing", he answers.
"And know that there will be heavy drinking too."
"That's not a problem either, I haven't had a drink since I moved here."
"There will be fighting too", says the neighbor.
"Uh, okay, I think I can live with that", he says.
"And after all that's been done, there will be some wild sex."
"Now that's good, I haven't got laid in ages!", he says, getting all excited about it.
"So I can count you in?", asks the neighbor.
"You bet you can", he says enthusiasticly.
"Okay, so it's a deal. Tonight at my place", says the neigbor and turns to go away.
"Wait, one last thing!", he yells after the neighbor. "How should I dress?"
"Oh, doesn't matter, just gonna be the two of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9grcho/a_man_tired_of_busy_life_in_the_city_moves_to_a/
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[NSFW] A guy goes into a bar and sees a sign...

..."Free drinks for a week, ask about my horse!"
The guy asks the bartender what the story is behind the sign. "Oh," he says, "I have a horse in a stable out back. It's been very depressed ever since I bought it. I'm offering free drinks to anyone who can cheer him up."
"Leave it with me," the guy says. He finishes his drink and goes out to the stable. A few seconds later the horse begins laughing hysterically.
"That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I'm a man of my word, your drinks are free all week."
After a couple of days free drinking, the bartender collars our man again. "Listen," he says irritably, "that horse is driving me crazy. He's been giggling to himself all week. It's keeping me up at night - it was less hassle when he was depressed! I'll give you free drinks for life if you can put him back the way he was."
"Sure," the guy shrugs. He heads out to the stable and a few seconds later comes the sound of the horse weeping softly.
"That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I have to ask, how do you do it?!"
"Well," says the guy, "to make him laugh I just told him my dick was bigger than his."
"I see," says the bartender. "What did you do to make him cry?"
"I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gra5q/nsfw_a_guy_goes_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign/
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What's the difference between a poop and a priest?

One touches your butt while it slides out and and the other touches your butt while he slides in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gra40/whats_the_difference_between_a_poop_and_a_priest/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a black-haired girl are walking down their high school hallway

when they come across a genie's lamp. The black-haired girl rubs it, and a genie comes out. He tells them that he'll give each of them three wishes if they say something true about themselves. If not, they'll go "poof", and die.
So the black-haired girl squeals, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in school!"
\*Poof\*
The brunette pipes up, "I think I'm one of the smartest girls in school."
\*Poof\*
And then the blond says, "I think--" \*Poof\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gr1tx/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_blackhaired_girl_are/
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Unreal numbers are the easiest part of advanced mathematics.

The struggle is real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gqxha/unreal_numbers_are_the_easiest_part_of_advanced/
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Tapes have “A” and “B” sides

So it only made sense to transition to “CDs”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gqtz6/tapes_have_a_and_b_sides/
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How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but good luck getting them in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gqrtk/how_many_elephants_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None if engineered properly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gqrgn/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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I ran into my high school bully yesterday

Unfortunately he was wearing his seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gqpz7/i_ran_into_my_high_school_bully_yesterday/
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What's better? Original content or a repost?

A repost.
Why?
Because nothing is better than original content but a repost is better than nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gqpkj/whats_better_original_content_or_a_repost/
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What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gqmqn/what_do_you_call_a_smart_blonde/
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A scientist from Texas A&M

University has invented a bra that keeps  women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing  through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
After a news  conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the  scientist outside and kicked the bejesus crap out of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gqfoz/a_scientist_from_texas_am/
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The nymphomaniac

said to her friend "I've got an odd problem -- every time I sneeze, I have a incredible orgasm."
Her friend asks "What are you taking for it?"
"Sniffing pepper" The Nympho replies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gqejt/the_nymphomaniac/
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What is the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?

A dollar bill is good for 4 quarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gq8fm/what_is_the_difference_between_the_dallas_cowboys/
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My co-worker takes a small blue pill with his coffee every day at 8am

He's likes to work hard in the mornings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gq449/my_coworker_takes_a_small_blue_pill_with_his/
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My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records

until the librarian made me take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gq2k6/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally Hoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gq1h7/what_does_an_english_pimp_do_after_having_tea_and/
%
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gpzp1/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_leaves_church/
%
“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.
Man: Everyone?? Holy shit,  what have I done?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gpw9e/doc_i_ate_one_of_those_do_not_eat_silica_packets/
%
What's the difference between an old bus station and a crab with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gprrh/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_station/
%
What did the baby corn ask his mum?

Where's pop corn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gprop/what_did_the_baby_corn_ask_his_mum/
%
Did you hear about that French cheese factory that exploded?

There was nothing left but de brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gpri4/did_you_hear_about_that_french_cheese_factory/
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A couple had 100 children

Once a couple had 100 kids, and so they named them 1-100. Time passed, and they all went on to have their own children, although not nearly as many. 90, in particular, disliked animals; but one day her children saw a sickly dog, scavenging the streets for food. The children couldn’t resist taking the dog in. However, knowing that their mother would never allow this, they created a clever system. They’d always meet in the woods near their house to feed, water, and play with the dog. They also named him “this” so that if they needed to discuss him, they could say “when do we want to go see this?” or “I love this”. However, as all things do, This became old and sick. It was only a short time later the children went into the woods to find her motionless in the underbrush. The wept for him, but they swore to never tell their mother, or any of their relatives. Now only 90’s kids remember this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gplek/a_couple_had_100_children/
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At age 12, I started responding, "Twelving like a pro." whenever someone asked me what I was up to.

Growing older, I've begun to wonder if the payoff will really be worth it by age 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gpkbb/at_age_12_i_started_responding_twelving_like_a/
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Why do German cats have significantly lower life expectancy?

Because they have nein lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gpfcr/why_do_german_cats_have_significantly_lower_life/
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I got banned from the museum for life after smacking the ass of Michalangelo’s David

I think that’s when I really hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gpc54/i_got_banned_from_the_museum_for_life_after/
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Video games are great, they let you try your craziest fantasies

For example, on the sims, you can have a job and a house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gp91q/video_games_are_great_they_let_you_try_your/
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Don’t you hate it when your bar of soap breaks in half while using it in the shower?

Especially when one half is stuck in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gp570/dont_you_hate_it_when_your_bar_of_soap_breaks_in/
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What's the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gp2xp/whats_the_biggest_problem_for_an_atheist/
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What nation is the most creative?

Imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gozvf/what_nation_is_the_most_creative/
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Blonde: 50% chance to meet a dinosaur

Question to a blonde:
\--What are the chances that you will meet a dinosaur in the street?
\--50%.
\--?
\--Well, either I meet him, or I do not meet him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gox5r/blonde_50_chance_to_meet_a_dinosaur/
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I want to be a psychoanalyst! or “Which of the three women eating ice-cream is married?”

At school, the young teacher Mrs. Smith is asking pupils who they want to become. The answers are:
\--I want to become a pilot!
\--And me – a fireman!
Little Johnny: “I want to become a psychoanalyst!”
The teacher, puzzled by the unusual choice:
\--Why so?
Little Johnny: “Looks like I will have plenty of business. Mrs. Smith, can you answer the question: three women are walking in the street and eating ice-creams. The first woman is biting it, the second is sucking it and the third is licking it. Who of them do you think is married?”
Mrs. Smith, blushing and embarrassed:
“…the one licking the ice-cream?”
“No, Mrs. Smith, the one with a wedding ring!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9govb6/i_want_to_be_a_psychoanalyst_or_which_of_the/
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6 was afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because it’s important to eat three squared meals a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gopgm/6_was_afraid_of_7_because_7_ate_9_but_why_did_7/
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3 Guys on an island

3 guys are stranded on an island and one day they find a bottle.
When they pick it up a genie appears and says he will grant them each one wish.
The first guys says "I wish I was home" Poof..  He goes home.
The second guy says "I wish I was home" Poof..  He goes home.
The third guy says "I'm lonely, I wish the other 2 guys were back here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gon55/3_guys_on_an_island/
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Why don't balloons do a lot drugs?

Because they think if they get too high they'll get busted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9golr3/why_dont_balloons_do_a_lot_drugs/
%
Some people don't know which American state puns are terrible, and which ones good.

I Tennessee the difference, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gokdf/some_people_dont_know_which_american_state_puns/
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There was a...

...Englishman, a Frenchman, an Indian, a Mexican, and a Texan in the Airborne. The Englishman yells, “Long live the Queen!” and jumps out. The Frenchman yells, “Viva la France!” and jumps out. The Indian yells, Geronimo!” and jumps out. The Texan then yells, “Remember the Alamo!” and pushes the Mexican out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gok6q/there_was_a/
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What would Dwane Johnson be if he transformed into a giant mythical bird?

He’d be The Roc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gojqq/what_would_dwane_johnson_be_if_he_transformed/
%
In Soviet Russia, a frightened man goes to the KGB: "My talking parrot has gone missing!"

The KGB officer replies: "This is not something we handle. Go to the criminal police for your parrot."
"No, no, Comrade Major - I am here to tell you I disagree with everything it says!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gojha/in_soviet_russia_a_frightened_man_goes_to_the_kgb/
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What do you call a 3ft tall psychic who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9goit7/what_do_you_call_a_3ft_tall_psychic_who_escaped/
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She said, "boy, I know you got ulterior motives. You can't fool me." I told her, "nah, girl I got one clear motive."

^to ^fill ^this ^ever-deepening ^void ^of ^loneliness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9goiao/she_said_boy_i_know_you_got_ulterior_motives_you/
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From the death notice of a local newspaper: After a very hard and painfull life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace...

The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9goi8n/from_the_death_notice_of_a_local_newspaper_after/
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You don't actually wash your hands...

They wash each other while you just stand there staring like a creep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gofgt/you_dont_actually_wash_your_hands/
%
Here’s some advice for women out there: Be careful of fat guys.

They are just trying to get into your pantries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gof9f/heres_some_advice_for_women_out_there_be_careful/
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[NSFW]George and Sarah had been married for 5 years

George and Sarah had been married for 5 years. It was a failing marriage. George couldn’t do anything in bed to impress Sarah and never got her to orgasm. He tried everything. As a last ditch attempt, he went to a psychic named Roxanne.
George asked Roxanne how to surprise Sarah in bed and get her to orgasm. Roxanne had George go to a pile of roots and place them into a fire in order to get his answer. After seeing the roots burning Roxanne said, “If you want to surprise Sarah in bed, you need to go home early for work and walk into your bedroom wearing nothing but boots. If you do this, she will orgasm.” George was reluctant at first, but eventually went along with Roxanne’s advice.
He left work at noon and went home. He walked into the garage and stripped down to nothing but boots. George then walks straight into his bedroom, and sees Sarah having sex with her black personal trainer from Thailand. Surprised to see George home so early, Sarah orgasms right there in bed.
Sarah tries to stammer out an excuse, but George cuts her off saying, “Blame it on my roots, I showed up in boots and ruined your black Thai affair.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gobbf/nsfwgeorge_and_sarah_had_been_married_for_5_years/
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What do we want?? Lowflying airplane noises. When do we want them??!

*nnyeeowww*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gobb4/what_do_we_want_lowflying_airplane_noises_when_do/
%
what color is the sun?

I looked at it for a couple of minutes and I think it is black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gob7f/what_color_is_the_sun/
%
What do diapers and politicians have in common?

They both need changing regularly—for exactly the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9go89v/what_do_diapers_and_politicians_have_in_common/
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We live on a tiny, useless ball of rocks and water, floating through the vast expanse of outer space

But it means the world to us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9go5kv/we_live_on_a_tiny_useless_ball_of_rocks_and_water/
%
What type of shoes did Hitler make his wife wear?

Ze heil heels!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9go56i/what_type_of_shoes_did_hitler_make_his_wife_wear/
%
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"5,000$" she replies.
"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs."
He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"
"15,000$" she replies.
"15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts
"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs."
"Fine, how can i say no?"
Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"
"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.
"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.
"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9go3q8/a_man_is_walking_the_las_vegas_strip_and_runs/
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What did the female tack say to the male tack after sex?

I love your tackdick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9go1j8/what_did_the_female_tack_say_to_the_male_tack/
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How many racists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None — they don’t want to be enlightened!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnzxn/how_many_racists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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I wanted to post a Buffalo Bills joke...

...but I gave up writing it halfway through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnyw2/i_wanted_to_post_a_buffalo_bills_joke/
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What do you call a country that hates the 5th letter of the alphabet?

Haiti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnv7l/what_do_you_call_a_country_that_hates_the_5th/
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High school dance.

My friend James only has one eye and was embarrassed to ask anyone to his first high school dance. Since I’m taking wood shop, I agreed to make him a wooden eye. My girlfriend is an artist and she made this eye look perfect. I found him a date for the dance and he said, “what does she look like?” I said, “she’s really pretty but she just has fat legs.” James didn’t mind. After all, he had his share of imperfections. So we get to the dance and James approaches the girl. “Would you like to dance?” She replies, “Would I?” And James barks back, “Fat legs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnv6u/high_school_dance/
%
A wife goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot for the family pet

The wife is given an option and since she doesn't have too much money goes for the cheapest one and wonders why it is cheap. The owner tells her it is because it is from a brothel.
When she arrives home the parrot says: "Another new brothel for sex"
Then when the daughter arrives the parrot says: "A new face has come"
Then when the father comes home, the parrot says: "John, I haven't seen you in weeks, would you like the usual?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnrpa/a_wife_goes_to_a_pet_shop_to_buy_a_parrot_for_the/
%
A blonde drops off her dress at the dry cleaners,

The dry cleaner says come again
The blonde says it’s toothpaste this time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnq7h/a_blonde_drops_off_her_dress_at_the_dry_cleaners/
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A guy was bragging to a girl...

"They should put a Choking Hazard sign on my penis!"
The girl answered: "Don't they put that on small things"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnpmf/a_guy_was_bragging_to_a_girl/
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So I said to a girl how would you like to be the sun in my life and she said yes

But than she said stay 92.96 million miles away from me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnpm7/so_i_said_to_a_girl_how_would_you_like_to_be_the/
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My friend traded a sausage for a seabird.

He's taken a tern for the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnpfj/my_friend_traded_a_sausage_for_a_seabird/
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I'm developing a phobia of German sausage

I fear the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnoyd/im_developing_a_phobia_of_german_sausage/
%
Apparently Canada banned trans fats today...

I don’t really mind, but I wonder what my Aunt John is gonna do...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnonv/apparently_canada_banned_trans_fats_today/
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What’s the difference between a Syrian airbase And a Syrian orphanage

I don’t know I just fly the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gno91/whats_the_difference_between_a_syrian_airbase_and/
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That's not a bowling ball, dad.

This weekend me and my dad were out bowling, you see. He gets his shoes on, and picks his ball from the rack. A nice, shiny, pinkish purple ball. He throws it down the lane, and we can't find it. The thing is gone. We look for at least an hour for this ball, but it's vanished. In the car on the way home (for automotive reasons) we pull into a gas station. My dad perks up, face scrunching in focus, and he says: "there's the ball!"
I said: "Dad, that's a short fat man buying a granola bag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnl1e/thats_not_a_bowling_ball_dad/
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Why wasn't the tribesman angry when he lost his knife?

He was a nomad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnjjf/why_wasnt_the_tribesman_angry_when_he_lost_his/
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"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

-- Lee Harvey Oswald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnhb6/you_miss_100_of_the_shots_you_dont_take/
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What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?

Nobody nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnfb5/what_do_you_call_somebody_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
%
If JFK was alive today

He would have a huge hole in his head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gnc2v/if_jfk_was_alive_today/
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“Fucking kids are expensive,” I said

“*Is*” my lawyer replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gn8y9/fucking_kids_are_expensive_i_said/
%
A blonde was driving home & got caught in a really bad hailstorm.

Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun...
He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe... Nothing happened.
So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gn5hw/a_blonde_was_driving_home_got_caught_in_a_really/
%
I'd always dreamed of being in NASA but it wasn't what I'd imagined it would be

For one all the people there were very rude. They kept saying things like "You shouldn't be here," "Oh my," and "I CAN'T CATCH HIM HE'S COVERED IN BABY OIL"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gn34o/id_always_dreamed_of_being_in_nasa_but_it_wasnt/
%
How can you spot the blind guy at the nude beach?

It's not that hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gn14b/how_can_you_spot_the_blind_guy_at_the_nude_beach/
%
If you see two potatoes standing on a street corner, how do you know which one is a prostitute?

It'll have a sticker that says "Idaho"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gn0mt/if_you_see_two_potatoes_standing_on_a_street/
%
How does Jesus smell?

God nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gmw6v/how_does_jesus_smell/
%
What is Forrest Gump's password?

1-Forrest-1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gmteq/what_is_forrest_gumps_password/
%
Men born with large balls should do their best to behave modestly

Otherwise people will think they’re egotesticle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gmsrc/men_born_with_large_balls_should_do_their_best_to/
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Where are doctors most observant of their patients in the hospital?

In the ICU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gmrxv/where_are_doctors_most_observant_of_their/
%
My dogs cannot operate the MRI machine at work.

But my Catscan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gmr4e/my_dogs_cannot_operate_the_mri_machine_at_work/
%
Insomnia is no joke..

It's so serious, people are losing sleep over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gmmaq/insomnia_is_no_joke/
%
I asked 50 lighting strike survivors about the impact it had on their lives...

The results were shocking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gmluz/i_asked_50_lighting_strike_survivors_about_the/
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I bought six wine bottles in the supermarket.

The cashier said, 'Do you want a box?'
I said, 'Alright, buddy, but I'm not much of a fighter.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gmjyn/i_bought_six_wine_bottles_in_the_supermarket/
%
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?

Boeing... Boeing... Boeing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gmhqy/what_noise_does_a_747_make_when_it_bounces/
%
Guy is late for an important meeting

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me  find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday  and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty  spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gmhea/guy_is_late_for_an_important_meeting/
%
You've heard of a brojob, now get ready for

A fellatio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gmezg/youve_heard_of_a_brojob_now_get_ready_for/
%
A cowboy rides into a new town,

and stops at the first saloon he sees.
Walks in, and is surprised that the whole place is empty except for the bartender polishing some glasses.
So he asks, "Where is everyone?"
Barkeep looks up from his busy work and replies, "Well, probably at the hanging."
Cowboy asks, "Who you all hanging?
Bartender replies, "Ol' Paper Bag Pete."
"Peculiar name.", says the cowboy.
"Yep", replies the bartender. "He was a peculiar fellow. Made his shirts out of paper bags, his pants out of paper bags...heck, even his boots out of paper bags."
"That is strange, but don't seem illegal. What is he being hanged for?" asked the cowboy
Bartender took a deep breath, "Rustlin'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gmews/a_cowboy_rides_into_a_new_town/
%
My medical knowledge and Spanish is pretty much the same.

Just enough to start a conversation that ends with me getting a rare disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gmens/my_medical_knowledge_and_spanish_is_pretty_much/
%
Why is Ross from Friends always in the fountain in the intro?

Because he’s a Schwimmer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gme9q/why_is_ross_from_friends_always_in_the_fountain/
%
I met an old Air Force guy

. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gmawg/i_met_an_old_air_force_guy/
%
Golf is like the opposite of masturbating

It’s gets more impressive the fewer strokes it takes you to finish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gm9pv/golf_is_like_the_opposite_of_masturbating/
%
The watermelon patch.

A farmer has a watermelon patch, and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been stealing some regularly. He comes and up with an idea to stop the menace so he puts up a sign that reads:
"WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
The farmer returned to the watermelon patch a week later feeling pretty smug and discovers that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads:
"NOW THERE ARE TWO! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gm9bn/the_watermelon_patch/
%
What do you call someone who says you can chemically bond Lithium and Argon?

Well, just ask them what the bond would be named.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gm5n8/what_do_you_call_someone_who_says_you_can/
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Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10...

... it‘s simple meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gm0ih/most_people_have_32_teeth_some_have_10/
%
I was in bed with a girl the other night, and all of a sudden she yells "HEY, NO FINGERS UP THE ASS"

So I replied  "well, it's my finger and my ass, you don't have a say in the matter, lady"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gly72/i_was_in_bed_with_a_girl_the_other_night_and_all/
%
Me and my wife gave our 15 year old daughter the "go ahead" to start dating boys, but she is having the worst luck.

Every one she meets online gets arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9glx7i/me_and_my_wife_gave_our_15_year_old_daughter_the/
%
African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.
"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.
The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.
"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." The foreman points out a much larger tree.
One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.
"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"
"In the Sahara Forest." Replied the lumberjack.
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" Asked the foreman.
"That's why I'm here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9glwup/african_lumberjack/
%
Isis have developed

isis have developed an explosive prayer mat they are selling like hot cakes.prophets are going through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gltv4/isis_have_developed/
%
Foreign Legion recruit asks about sex

Jean Pauls life is going nowhere so he decides to look for adventure and decides to join the Foreign Legion.  After six weeks exhaustive training he is feeling sexually frustrated so asks the Corporal what options the troops have for sex.
The corporal listens to him and tells him if he wants sex there is a female camel round the back of the camp that can be used at night.  Jean is horrified at the thought of this but as the days go on he becomes increasingly frustrated and the camel becomes more alluring.
One night he sneaks out round the back of the camp to where the camel is kept and sees there are step ladders up to it.  He climbs the ladders, pulls down his pants and has his way with the camel.
The next day he goes to see the Corporal, "Hey Corporal, I thought you were joking about the camel, but I must say last night was one of the best sex session I have ever had." to which the Corporal replies, "Yes Jean Paul we were as surprised as you, everyone else rides it to the brothel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9glr7z/foreign_legion_recruit_asks_about_sex/
%
An irishman named Sean cloned himself multiple times but just couldn't stand being around the 11th one...

There was ten Sean between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9glmi1/an_irishman_named_sean_cloned_himself_multiple/
%
Girl, are you a painting?

Cause I'd like to hang you in my room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9glmc5/girl_are_you_a_painting/
%
A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.
When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, "You fool! Just think of the odds we can get next time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gllug/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_parrot_on_his/
%
I just put my phone on airplane mode and threw it across the office

Worst transformer ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9glka8/i_just_put_my_phone_on_airplane_mode_and_threw_it/
%
Among all the months there's one that leaves me doubtful.

May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9glhuo/among_all_the_months_theres_one_that_leaves_me/
%
I like frieza from dragonball

But his brother is cooler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9glh7j/i_like_frieza_from_dragonball/
%
I'm going to open a gym with power walking and door knocking classes.

I'll call it Jehovah's Fitness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9glgn8/im_going_to_open_a_gym_with_power_walking_and/
%
I just found an origami porn channel.

But it's paper view only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gleuy/i_just_found_an_origami_porn_channel/
%
"Brain, I need the alphabet please."

Brain : but you didn't do the thing.
"I don't feel like doing the thing."
"Suit yourself. No thing, no alphabet."
"Brain, I'm not kidding, I'm not in the mood, I need the alphabet NOW!"
"DO IT !"
"FINE!"
SINGING* A B C D...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9glbop/brain_i_need_the_alphabet_please/
%
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9

The odds were against me.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gla10/i_got_into_a_fight_with_1_3_5_7_and_9/
%
A constipated man robs a toy store

He proceeds to take everything from the store, accept for the teddy bears.
Why did he not take the bears?
He couldn’t take a Pooh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gl9ll/a_constipated_man_robs_a_toy_store/
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Success is like getting pregnant.

Everyone says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you got fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gl7ux/success_is_like_getting_pregnant/
%
A parachutist is plummeting to Earth

Because her ripcord malfunctioned.
As she frantically pulls at the defective cord, she passes a man atop a stove traveling the opposite way.
She yells out to him, “Hey, do you know how to fix a parachute!?”
He replies back “No! Do you know anything about repairing gas lines??”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gl5jg/a_parachutist_is_plummeting_to_earth/
%
I find it inspirational to watch videos of people who are good at their jobs but it makes my wife furious.

I guess she doesn't want me to be as rich and successful as porn star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gl4x4/i_find_it_inspirational_to_watch_videos_of_people/
%
To-do list:

1. Make a to-do list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gl4c4/todo_list/
%
If Elon Musk made love to a woman while on his rocket to Mars...

Would that be SpaceX space sex?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gl2ee/if_elon_musk_made_love_to_a_woman_while_on_his/
%
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gl08r/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
%
Maybe having a dick isn't as nice when you're alone,

but it does cum in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gkqy7/maybe_having_a_dick_isnt_as_nice_when_youre_alone/
%
The Moon landings were staged...

... specifically, they had three stages, which were discarded in sequence as the rocket ascended to space to save on mass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gkl6d/the_moon_landings_were_staged/
%
Some people play the sexist card. Some people play the racist card. Guess what my wife plays?

My credit card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gkkw9/some_people_play_the_sexist_card_some_people_play/
%
Buzzards on a plane

Two buzzards were at the check in counter at their local airport answering the usual questions.  The desk agent finally noticed the piece of rotting gazelle they had brought with them.
"Are you going to check that?" the agent asks.
"No.  That's my carrion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gkivw/buzzards_on_a_plane/
%
Are you a member of the One Word Sentence Association?

I’m.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gki9x/are_you_a_member_of_the_one_word_sentence/
%
It's funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side,my roommate sleeps on his back,my ex sleeps with everybody.That sort of thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gkhhc/its_funny_how_we_all_sleep_differently/
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Deaf guy finds a loophole to get jerked off when his wife isn't in the mood

An old deaf couple was sitting on their couch when the wife wrote, "Honey, if you want to have sex, squeeze my left boob once. If you don't want to, squeeze my right boob twice."
The husband wrote back, "If you want to have sex, grab my dick once. If you don't, grab it a 150 times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gkeed/deaf_guy_finds_a_loophole_to_get_jerked_off_when/
%
Why did the Blonde bring a ladder to the store?

Because it said "High Discounts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gkebd/why_did_the_blonde_bring_a_ladder_to_the_store/
%
I hate when I'm at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like...

"Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gkdkj/i_hate_when_im_at_someones_house_and_they_ask/
%
What do you get if you cross Putin with a...

Bang! You don't cross Putin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gkd7c/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_putin_with_a/
%
Have you heard about the 2 gay Irish men...

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gk6br/have_you_heard_about_the_2_gay_irish_men/
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I tried to pick up a letter but I couldn’t

It was stationery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gk4b8/i_tried_to_pick_up_a_letter_but_i_couldnt/
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Man & his Giraffe walk into a bar

The man orders a pint for himself and 1 for his giraffe. They finish the drink and the man orders another 2 pints. This keeps going until leaving time when the man and giraffe go to leave. The giraffe collapses on the walk out but the man keeps on walking. The bartender shouts " you can't leave that lying here". The man turns back and says it's not a lion its a giraffe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gjzwh/man_his_giraffe_walk_into_a_bar/
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A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gjzmf/a_woman_places_an_ad_looking_for_a_man_to_be_her/
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Gas

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gjyz8/gas/
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A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer...

...and a mop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gjyrz/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar_orders_a_beer/
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What did the shy pebble want?

To be a little bolder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gjxzj/what_did_the_shy_pebble_want/
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My brain is like an internet browser.

12 tabs are open
5 of them are not responding
1 is showing porn
Tons of popups
and where the fuck is that annoying music coming from?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gjs8r/my_brain_is_like_an_internet_browser/
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I stuck a potato down my pants to impress the ladies...

But it just scared them away. I guess I should have stuck it down the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gjor9/i_stuck_a_potato_down_my_pants_to_impress_the/
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Why does Nintendo require an online subscription to finish Final Fantasy VII?

Cloud saves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gjh3p/why_does_nintendo_require_an_online_subscription/
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Justin told me my mama was so fat she had a gravitational orbit ...

I told him he doesn’t understand how physics works, cause everyone has a gravitational orbit.
Then I informed him his dad is so massive that his gravitational orbit is so large, not even light can escape it — and that’s why he hasn’t seen his dad in 20 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gjb14/justin_told_me_my_mama_was_so_fat_she_had_a/
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Which cheese is made backwards?

Edam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gj7tu/which_cheese_is_made_backwards/
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What was the vampire’s last meal?

Stake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gj5ob/what_was_the_vampires_last_meal/
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Almost got fired today for filling out a requisition form in Spanish.

No one expected it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gj57a/almost_got_fired_today_for_filling_out_a/
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What does a metal frog say?

Rivot rivot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9giul5/what_does_a_metal_frog_say/
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When mediums get drunk and all sentimental...

They call their future spouses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gitqd/when_mediums_get_drunk_and_all_sentimental/
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bit to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gitbx/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant_while/
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I once told story about pregnancy that nobody understood except for my twin sister

It was our little inside joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gisu1/i_once_told_story_about_pregnancy_that_nobody/
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What do you call a time capsule from WWII?

A mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9girpw/what_do_you_call_a_time_capsule_from_wwii/
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A man rating trees

A man was rating his 3 Oak trees. Oak C was great, Oak B was even better, but the other was just okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gipys/a_man_rating_trees/
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I have a heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gip0p/i_have_a_heart_of_a_lion/
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How do you kill a hipster?

You drown them in the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gio32/how_do_you_kill_a_hipster/
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9/10 people have bad memory

But 9/11 people never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gio2i/910_people_have_bad_memory/
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Why can’t atheist solve exponential equations?

.
.
.
(Well, because they don’t believe in higher powers.) ^(4)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ginbj/why_cant_atheist_solve_exponential_equations/
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My Bike

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gimhd/my_bike/
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A Cowboy walks into a Saloon and orders a drink

While waiting on his drink he sees a big jar of money , with a sign that says „ask the bartender about  me“. He does and the bartender says we have a horse out back that is depressed and cries all the time we would like to help the horse. That money belongs to anyone that can get the horse to laugh. Man finishes his drink goes round back,  comes back a minute later and they all hear the horse laugh. He takes the money and walks out . A couple of weeks later he walks  into the same saloon and sees another jar of money and asks the bartender about it. Yeah the fucking horse hasn’t stopped laughing since you walked out of here .we liked it better wen he was crying so if you want the money you have to make horse cry. Man walks out comes back and they hear the horse crying. Bartender gives him the money and asks him how he did it? Simple the cowboy says the last  time  i told him my dick was bigger and longer then his and he started laughing this time i showed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9giixp/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_saloon_and_orders_a_drink/
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My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gidfl/my_14yearold_daughter_has_finally_met_her_online/
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I want to live in a bouncy castle, but...

the price of inflation would be way too big

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gi8ig/i_want_to_live_in_a_bouncy_castle_but/
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An Scottish man walks into a bar, looking depressed.

He sits down at the bar and orders a shot. The bartender hands it to him, and he downs it in one go, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and scowling. The bartender, knowing from years of experience that this man must obviously have something he needs to get off his chest, begins buffing a glass in the usual way.
“You seem a bit down, laddie. What’s troublin’ you, friend?”
The man sighs, then orders another shot. As the bartender pours it, the man looks out the window. “You see that wall over there? That wall stretches from here to the next town. I built that wall brick by brick with my bare hands. Do they call me McManus the Wall Builder? Nah.” And he slams down the shot.
Signaling the bartender for another, he continues. “You see that church down there? That’s the largest church for twenty miles. I built that church brick by brick with my bare hands. Do they call me McManus the Church Builder? Nah.” And he quickly drank another shot.
The bartender can tell he’s in a bad spot, and starts to pour him another drink. As expected, the man continues. “Do you see all those homes out there? I built those homes, brick by brick with my bare hands. Do they call me McManus the Home Builder? Nah.”
The man cradles his shot for a moment, then finally closes his eyes and mutters under his breath...
“But you fuck ONE goat...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gi32y/an_scottish_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_depressed/
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Why aren't there enough knock, knock jokes in America?

Because Freedom rings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gi12b/why_arent_there_enough_knock_knock_jokes_in/
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What's the best thing about Switzerland?

Well, the flags a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ghzx2/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ghyuy/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_give_me_a/
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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.
The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”
“Aye, laddie,” the pirate says with a toothy grin.
“Wooow!!! I’ve never met a real pirate before! Ok, ok, how did you get your peg leg?”
“Yar, I was thrown overboard in the Caribbean and a shark bit off me leg.”
“Jeepers!” the young boy exclaimed. “That’s amazing!How did you get your hook?”
“Yar, I was fightin’ buccaneers what was tryin’ ta take me ship, and one of ‘em chopped off me hand ‘fore I sent ‘im ta Davey Jones’ locker.”
“Oooooohhhh that’s so cool!” the young boy said. “How did you get your eyepatch?”
“Yar...well...a seagull pooped in me eye.”
The boy’s enthusiasm turned to confusion. “How in the world did that make you lose your eye?”
“Well...it was the first day with me hook.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ghtes/one_day_an_excited_young_boy_is_visiting_the/
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A young boy and his brother decide to swear.

One morning, a young boy and his little brother wake up and decide today is the day they swear in front of their parents. So the oldest says, “When I go downstairs, I’ll swear first and then you after me, okay?
They walk down to the kitchen for breakfast and their mother asks,
“What would you like for breakfast today?”
The brothers smile and the older of the two responds,
“Shit mum, I’ll have some fruit loops!”
The mother slaps the boy harder than he’s ever been slapped in his whole life and sends him back to his room. She calms down and asks the youngest,
“Now, what would you like?”
“I don’t know mum, but it won’t be fucking fruit loops!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ghsad/a_young_boy_and_his_brother_decide_to_swear/
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King of Jews

Jesus wasn't known as the king of Jews until the last supper when he decided not to tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ghraj/king_of_jews/
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2 Guys walk into a bar

...at least the third one ducks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ghr4z/2_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ghr1a/a_mp3_hits_your_ears_a_mp4_hits_your_eyes/
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My dad once told me that essays are like bikinis ...

Big enough to cover the subject, but small enough to keep it interesting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ghqvq/my_dad_once_told_me_that_essays_are_like_bikinis/
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What does a toddler and a gardener have in common?

They both wet the bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ghole/what_does_a_toddler_and_a_gardener_have_in_common/
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Why did they call the new iPhone the IPhone XS...

Because you need an excess amount of money to purchase it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ghj08/why_did_they_call_the_new_iphone_the_iphone_xs/
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Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gh7p1/why_is_the_toblerone_chocolate_shaped_like_a/
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Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gh52f/did_you_know_that_taxis_in_germany_can_only_pick/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks "Dang man, doesn't that hurt?". The pirate replies "ARRRGGH IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gh3q2/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it’s the scenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gh0e5/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
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New girl at work tonight said she'd majored in Uralic languages, so I had to ask...

"Did you Finnish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ggz8x/new_girl_at_work_tonight_said_shed_majored_in/
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What's the smallest part in a BMW?

The driver's penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ggnnu/whats_the_smallest_part_in_a_bmw/
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I pointed out that my wife was pressing a no-wrinkle shirt,

but she didn't appreciate the irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ggkbf/i_pointed_out_that_my_wife_was_pressing_a/
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What kind of jokes would a depressed elf tell?

Elf-deprecating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ggjxm/what_kind_of_jokes_would_a_depressed_elf_tell/
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Anyone heard of the fugawee native american tribe?

Famous for being terrible navigators, would climb the highest mountains where ever they would travel, look around and yell "where the fugawee!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ggj59/anyone_heard_of_the_fugawee_native_american_tribe/
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Did you hear about the house the lesbians built?

It was all tongue and groove, and not a stud in sight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gggq3/did_you_hear_about_the_house_the_lesbians_built/
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A teacher was teaching her second grade class...

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gggfz/a_teacher_was_teaching_her_second_grade_class/
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What do you call a cow that can’t be electrocuted?

Ground Beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gg7tw/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_cant_be_electrocuted/
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Whats the difference between being a lumberjack and any other job?

You get the axe when you're hired not fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gg7pt/whats_the_difference_between_being_a_lumberjack/
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I love animals. Yesterday I saw a baby bird that had fallen from its nest up in the tree.

I wanted to get the bird back up in the nest so it can be safe. It only took me three throws.
- Stollen from Norm's new show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gg579/i_love_animals_yesterday_i_saw_a_baby_bird_that/
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Proctologist walks into a bank

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to sign a deposit slip, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with  annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got  my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gg20i/proctologist_walks_into_a_bank/
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Levi’s is sueing a smaller company over pants

It’s because they tried to sell bootleg jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gg1fo/levis_is_sueing_a_smaller_company_over_pants/
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Man goes to a gym

And asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress this reeally beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"
The trainer replied “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gg1bi/man_goes_to_a_gym/
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I work at a fast food restaurant

One day a blonde walks up to the front counter and places her order. I asked her if it was for here or to go, and she said to go. So I put her food in a bag and handed it to her, and then she proceeded to go sit down and eat.
I thought it was a little odd at first but I have seen worse in my days.
The next day the same blonde came up to the counter, and ordered the same thing as last night.
Will this be for here or to go? I said, curious if she would do what she did yesterday.
To go she replied, and then went to sit down and eat.
The next day I saw her once more and asked her,  why do you ask for your food to go but always eat here?
The blonde replied, well I didn't want to hold up the line and eat in front of the register!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gg0ha/i_work_at_a_fast_food_restaurant/
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In the public toilets

I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the  next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".
Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing  fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to?".
I said, "Just doing the  same as you - sitting here!
Then I'm asked "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I  say "I'm rather busy right now".
Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll  have to call you back, there's an idiot in the cubicle next to me  answering all my questions".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfzsp/in_the_public_toilets/
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If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck.

It needs more time to cook!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfygm/if_it_walks_like_a_duck_and_talks_like_a_duck/
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How can you tell what kind of eel you're looking at?

Well, if the moon hits it's eye like a big pizza pie, it's a moray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfycx/how_can_you_tell_what_kind_of_eel_youre_looking_at/
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A great flood happened

A man was in his home when he saw on the news that a great flood was coming and everyone in the area must get to safety. He said to himself “oh, god will provide”
The waters stared coming and he sat in his living room with water up to his ankles. After a while the water rose too high and he had to go to his second floor. He was looking out the window and a canoe passed. “Do you need help?” The people in the canoe called to the man. “ oh no, go will provide.”
So the canoe went on it’s way.
So the water kept on rising and the man was forced to go onto his roof. He was sitting there looking around when a helicopter flew close by and a man inside called, “ hey! Need a lift?”, and the man said, “oh no, god will provide!”
The water rose even further and the man drowned. He went up to heaven, looked at god and said, “I trusted you! You were supposed to provide!”
And god said, “I sent you a canoe, and a helicopter!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfxlx/a_great_flood_happened/
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I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfx4i/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows/
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I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfsvi/i_pissed_off_two_people_today_by_calling_them/
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My dad is eating our light bulbs...

Every night he tells my mom "turn the light off so i can eat it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfrtf/my_dad_is_eating_our_light_bulbs/
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At the company meeting, one of the managers came up with an idea.

- I think we should stop testing our products on animals, it's giving our brand a bad rep.
The CEO says:
- How come? The shampoo companies do it all the time!
- I understand, but, sir, we sell hammers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfrlt/at_the_company_meeting_one_of_the_managers_came/
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What do you call a Soviet sniper?

Marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfotx/what_do_you_call_a_soviet_sniper/
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Why did Mrs. Banana marry Mr. Banana?

She found him appealing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfk1s/why_did_mrs_banana_marry_mr_banana/
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What do you call a calf in the rain?

*A moist cowlette!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfhw9/what_do_you_call_a_calf_in_the_rain/
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If I had a dollar for every gender

I’d have $2 but also $2000 in counterfeits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfemt/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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Jokes from my Nana: what do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.
What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak.
What do you call a cow with four legs? A cow.
Thanks Nana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfcc4/jokes_from_my_nana_what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no/
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A compliment on someone’s intelligence...

‘You’ve got more brains than Kurt Cobains garage roof’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfbzv/a_compliment_on_someones_intelligence/
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You ever read a girl's status and wished someone would just treat her right

So she'd just stfu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfb1l/you_ever_read_a_girls_status_and_wished_someone/
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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son…”
"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gfazq/a_young_arab_boy_asks_his_father_what_is_that/
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The Divorce Mediator

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. '**And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.**'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gf98n/the_divorce_mediator/
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Since Volkswagen is discontinuing the beetle...

Maybe my dad will stop punching me all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gf95o/since_volkswagen_is_discontinuing_the_beetle/
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A man had a rare disease that required his buttox to be removed

I was told after his surgery he got his ass handed to him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gf8wm/a_man_had_a_rare_disease_that_required_his_buttox/
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9/10 people are Dumb

It’s great to be the 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gf7kc/910_people_are_dumb/
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The Fed Ex driver only delivered part of my grizzly costume

I was so mad, I choked him with my bear hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gf7bm/the_fed_ex_driver_only_delivered_part_of_my/
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Why can't Barbie get pregnant?

Because Ken comes in a separate box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gf1y5/why_cant_barbie_get_pregnant/
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From what I've read, people were a lot more serious about invasive plant species 30 or 40 years ago.

A lot of people were writing about stopping the spread of the Soviet onion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gezse/from_what_ive_read_people_were_a_lot_more_serious/
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A speaker arrives in a small town for a conference...

A speaker arrives in a small town for a conference, and checks into his hotel.  Having caught laryngitis a few days before, he sets out down Main St. looking for a doctor's office.  It's a small town on a Friday afternoon so he is worried he won't find anyone to treat him, and that he won't be able to give his speech the next day.
Finally at the end of Main he reaches a house on the corner with a sign that says "Dr. Julius C. Gould, M.D."  He rubs his sore throat and approaches the door, giving it a knock.  A woman answers, presumably the doctor's wife.  In a low, strained whisper the man asks "Is the doctor at home?" and the woman whispers back "No, come in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gezc0/a_speaker_arrives_in_a_small_town_for_a_conference/
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I forgot who Rihanna’s boyfriend was

But then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9geswt/i_forgot_who_rihannas_boyfriend_was/
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In a city, not so long ago, there used to be a collective of friars.

These friars decided to come to this city to spread their religion by buying a church. This church was old (the only church the city had for sale, really), but the friars didn't care. They put on some of that good ol' elbow grease and got it looking good again. Once their church was as ready as can be, people started going to their church. Now, the friars were very kind to everyone they met, in and out of the church, and everyone knew them well. The friary was loved by all.
Then came summer. During summertime, the people of this city loved to travel around, so the number of weekly visitors of the friary grew dim - so dim, in fact, that they foretell having to shut down the friary by the end of the summer due to a lack of donations. So the friars put their heads together to brainstorm ideas that could start raking in some money so they wouldn't have to declare bankruptcy. One friar spoke up and suggested they do a yard sale of the untouched junk they found in the abandoned church. His idea was quickly shut down; who'd want to buy a dozen chalices? Another friar suggested they use the yard behind the friary to start growing flowers, and open up a flower shop. The others loved the idea, and within weeks the friars' flower shop, dubbed "The Green Cross", was quite successful.
In fact, it was becoming too successful. Since the friars were so well-loved, they started stealing other florists' customers. Quickly running out of business, a few florists got together to discuss how they'd get their customers back. The topic of every suggestion was attacking the friars in some way or another: one florist suggested they egg the friary and their flower shop - which was a flop, since the eggs were gone within hours and the two buildings looked even cleaner than before the incident thanks to the friars. Another florist suggested they trample the friary's flowers - but the friars' customers donated so many of their own home's flowers that it didn't make a difference. Another florist yet suggested they hire Hugh.
Who's Hugh, you ask? Only the baddest eleven-year-old this city's ever seen. He's bullied every kid you've met, vandalized every building at least twice, and rumor has it that he actually pranked someone to death. He's exactly the guy the florists need.
They hire him with the only mission to "shut down The Green Cross". Sure enough, come the next day, the flower shop was completely ruined, with all the flowers burning in a pile. The friary, too, was reduced to a pile of stone and dust, and the flower beds behind it were nowhere to be seen. With no chance of recovery, the friars were forced to leave the city with nothing.
The moral of the story: only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gerxe/in_a_city_not_so_long_ago_there_used_to_be_a/
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How many pets does a weatherman have?

Four Cats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gerh0/how_many_pets_does_a_weatherman_have/
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The teacher asked me what my favourite vegetable was

Apparently “My grandfather” wasn’t the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9geka9/the_teacher_asked_me_what_my_favourite_vegetable/
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"Come forth and I shall grant you eternal life" God said

But John came 5th and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9geiv0/come_forth_and_i_shall_grant_you_eternal_life_god/
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philipe Philop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9geiaz/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
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Running out of toilet paper ...

... is a real shitty experience!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9geg9h/running_out_of_toilet_paper/
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How did the lumberjack cure his constipation?

He dropped a log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gefxs/how_did_the_lumberjack_cure_his_constipation/
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A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more.
The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine. I just quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9geeah/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_three_beers/
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Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be 2 of them, but now it’s a sensitive topic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9geda5/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
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What award did Gregor Mendel receive for his work in the field of Genetics?

The Nobel Peas Prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gecck/what_award_did_gregor_mendel_receive_for_his_work/
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Some bring joy wherever they go...

Others whenever they go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9geae9/some_bring_joy_wherever_they_go/
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What's the difference between a social norm and a social more?

When you have an informal understanding that governs the behavior of members of a society, that a norm.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ge9rt/whats_the_difference_between_a_social_norm_and_a/
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Why was Austria-Hungary?

Turkey wasn't around yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ge77e/why_was_austriahungary/
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What do you call a soldier that has survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned warrior

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ge36b/what_do_you_call_a_soldier_that_has_survived_both/
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A child asked his father, "Why do good people die young?"

His father responded, "When you are in a garden, which flower do you pick?"
The child responded, "The Ugly Ones."
The father, unprepared for that respsonse, asked, "Why?"
"Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gdzt5/a_child_asked_his_father_why_do_good_people_die/
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What’s red and bad for your teeth

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gdy69/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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Im going to freeze myself at -273.15 °C

My friends are worried, but ill be 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gdwa9/im_going_to_freeze_myself_at_27315_c/
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I have learnt that beauty is only skin-deep. That once you pull back the layers, you realise...

Being a cannibal isn't for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gdw3l/i_have_learnt_that_beauty_is_only_skindeep_that/
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gdrfe/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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I got a tattoo of a dictionary on my bisep...

I wanted to add definition to my arm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gdmvr/i_got_a_tattoo_of_a_dictionary_on_my_bisep/
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Does anyone have Oxfams number? I just got my water bill for £278 and then heard on TV that Oxfam can supply a family for just £2 a month.

I am swapping providers..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gdl73/does_anyone_have_oxfams_number_i_just_got_my/
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What do you call a midget waving?

Microwave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gdkv5/what_do_you_call_a_midget_waving/
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An Asian man is talking to a white man.

The Asian man says, "I don't understand your elections"
The white man says, "My fetish is my business, piss off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gdk1f/an_asian_man_is_talking_to_a_white_man/
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Who is a "dumbass"

While at college, foreign students found an online English-to-English dictionary of American slang.
Awesome read, but almost all agreed there was no need to look up for the word "dumbass" as it was completely clear.
One student persisted.
And got the answer - the dictionary stated:
"Dumbass" - the person who looks up for the word "dumbass" in a dictionary.
Our joy was limitless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gdizh/who_is_a_dumbass/
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NSFW Be careful not to buy Viagra from Russian sources

They are attempting to meddle in our erections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gdi8z/nsfw_be_careful_not_to_buy_viagra_from_russian/
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A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because she’s lying.” Her sister told me that she wants to use the $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail so they can be together for her birthday. I thought about it for a minute, then decided to go ahead & give her the $500. A few minutes ago, she called me from the local jail, crying about being arrested. She started screaming, asking, “Why did I give her counterfeit money?!"
I replied: "So you & your man could be together for your birthday”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gdhd6/a_friend_of_mine_called_and_asked_for_500_to_pay/
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What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East?

Low rents of Arabia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gdfzp/what_do_you_call_cheap_apartments_in_the_middle/
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A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay

So some bloke rang him up and said “is it massive”
Kevin replies “huge”
Then the bloke says “how many feet”
Kevin says “none its a snake you twat”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gdfrv/a_man_called_kevin_is_selling_his_python_on_ebay/
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My ex girlfriend recently claimed she had a great memory

She was definitely lying because it didn't take her long to forget me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gddit/my_ex_girlfriend_recently_claimed_she_had_a_great/
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What's a mortician's favorite workout?

Dead lifting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gd8qc/whats_a_morticians_favorite_workout/
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"Why did I get divorced?"

"Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, 'Happy birthday, boss!' I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, 'Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?' 'Okay,' I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, 'SURPRISE!!!' while I was waiting on the sofa.....naked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gd37u/why_did_i_get_divorced/
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God made man...

Everything else is made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gcr0z/god_made_man/
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Why should you do up your zipper when you go to Ukraine?

Chernobyl fall out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gcpmh/why_should_you_do_up_your_zipper_when_you_go_to/
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How to kill worm in your stomach

Eat apples for 6 straight days and on the 7th day eat an orange instead , then the worm will come out of your stomach and ask " dude where's my apple???" then you take a baseball bat and beat him to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gcn3i/how_to_kill_worm_in_your_stomach/
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I bought a tin of evaporated milk the other day

when I opened it, it was empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gckd4/i_bought_a_tin_of_evaporated_milk_the_other_day/
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I made my small plastic fan listen to metal music

It is now a big metal fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gci7f/i_made_my_small_plastic_fan_listen_to_metal_music/
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A man asks his wife...

Man: If I won the lottery, what would be the first  thing you'd do?
Wife: I'd divorce you and take half
Man: Great, here's 5$ now get the fuck out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gcghx/a_man_asks_his_wife/
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Why can’t Superman defeat a vampire?

He’s in his crypt tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gcc44/why_cant_superman_defeat_a_vampire/
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What do you call a child molester who uses reddit?

A predditor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gc48s/what_do_you_call_a_child_molester_who_uses_reddit/
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My dad says his friends called him a loser

After all, he's nearly fifty and he's still living at home with his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gc37i/my_dad_says_his_friends_called_him_a_loser/
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At first John disliked a short haircut

But then it grew on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gc1sa/at_first_john_disliked_a_short_haircut/
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I’m a traitor to all the women in the world

But I don’t need them, I can turn on myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gc0tc/im_a_traitor_to_all_the_women_in_the_world/
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I’d like to go to Sweden

But I can’t a-fjord it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbyrm/id_like_to_go_to_sweden/
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I used to have a job circumcising elephants....

The money wasn’t great but the tips were huge!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbupw/i_used_to_have_a_job_circumcising_elephants/
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[nsfw] Voodoo Dick (Long)

Lucia popped into her local South American produce shop on the way home from work (it was enchilada night). While browsing she got a call from her bff Natalie and spent some time talking about the recent divorce, and her lack of sex life. Shortly after hanging up, she was approached by the store clerk, a wizened old Peruvian lady.
"Disculpa me, señora" she said, "I couldn't help overhearing, but I think I have a solution to your "troubles" if you'd like to follow me to the back?".
Lucia's curiosity was piqued, so she followed the woman out to a dusty old storage room, filled with boxes, cobwebs, and a lazy looking pit-bull curled up in the corner.
"This arrived the other day, from a small mountain village in Peru" said the old woman, opening an old wooden box to reveal a smooth, phallic-shaped object, covered in strange markings and symbols. "It was used to pleasure the old Mayan kings and queens, if rumours are true".
"It was called the Voodoo Dick" said the woman. "Very powerful!". Lucia was unimpressed. "I have a collection of vibrators at home" she shrugged "what use is another?".
"Not like this", grinned the woman. "Behold! Voodoo dick, the dog!".
Suddenly, the Voodoo dick sprang out of the box, into the air, and sailed for the dog in the corner. It penetrated her with ease and began a powerful in-out motion. The dog was rendered almost immobile, though clearly overwhelmed with pleasure.
"Voodoo dick, que pares ya!" Said the woman, and the Voodoo dick returned obediently to it's box, much to the disappointment of the dog. "Self-lubricating, self-loading and hands-free" smirked the woman. Lucia was sold. "I'll take it!"
"Very well! Simply command it where to go, and when you're finished, repeat "Que pares ya!" And it will return to it's box".
Lucia returned home desperate to go e ir a try. She finally arrived, stripped and lay on the bed. "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"
The Voodoo dick sprung into action and Lucia was engulfed by wave after wave of the most intense pleasure she had ever experienced. She lost all track of time. Minutes turned to hours, or even days, who could be sure! Now experiencing some discomfort, she figured it was time to take a break.
But what was the fucking phrase!? The Voodoo dick had pounded the memory out of her, the stream of orgasms had left her mind completely blank. There was only one thing left to do. She waddled as fast as she could out to the car, and set off for the produce shop.
She was almost there, when suddenly a siren went off and she was forced to pull over. She tried her best to explain the situation to the officer. "P.. please sir... mmm.... It's th-this v..uuuuu....Voodoo dick... I nee.... Need to go... Please!!...mmm".
"Yeah right lady" scoffs the policeman.
"Voodoo dick my ass...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbr3o/nsfw_voodoo_dick_long/
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Why does Gravity like fat people?

Because they are the most attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbqlo/why_does_gravity_like_fat_people/
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A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mother...

While his mom put away the groceries, the boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table.
"What are you doing?" asked his mom.
"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken," said the little boy. "I'm looking for the seal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbpw3/a_little_boy_returned_from_the_grocery_store_with/
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Neighbours...

DEAR NEIGHBOUR:
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door.
I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.
The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you.
Regards, Richard
NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE:
Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him.  He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.
2ND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Fred.
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh?  It'll be the death of us all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbo4y/neighbours/
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What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating?

His ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbnyd/what_is_the_most_sensitive_part_of_a_mans_anatomy/
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If my wife thinks I'm obsessed with programming, she's crazy.

Endif

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbkeb/if_my_wife_thinks_im_obsessed_with_programming/
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Guys wanna hear a military joke?

The coast guards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbjvf/guys_wanna_hear_a_military_joke/
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A documentary about the history of the computer desktop was recently given an R rating...

Turns out every icon was a little graphic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbiub/a_documentary_about_the_history_of_the_computer/
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Waiting in line-a joke told in the Soviet Union

A man is waiting in line outside a liquor store in Moscow wanting to buy some vodka.
The line is unusually long because of restrictions imposed by Mikhail Gorbachev, which angered the man greatly.
Suddently while waiting in line, the man shouts angrily into the crowd:
"I can't take it anymore! Gorbachev has made me stand in line for long enough. I'm going to get my gun, walk to the Kremlin and shoot him myself!"
The man walks away from the line before returning 40 minutes later and taking back his spot in the line. The others in line ask him if he actually killed Gorbachev.
"No, I did not. I was outside the Kremlin with my gun planning the assassination, but the line to kill Gorbachev was even longer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbfwc/waiting_in_linea_joke_told_in_the_soviet_union/
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100 years ago, most people had horses but only the rich had cars. Now, most people have cars but only the rich have horses

The stables have turned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbcib/100_years_ago_most_people_had_horses_but_only_the/
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Guess who missed Spiderman Homecoming?

Uncle Ben.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbcde/guess_who_missed_spiderman_homecoming/
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Why didn’t the Romans reuse their crosses?

Because that would have caused cross contamination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbc4n/why_didnt_the_romans_reuse_their_crosses/
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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he
hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, and Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ...total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts.
'I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbbg7/joe_wanted_to_buy_a_harley_motorcycle/
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4 year olds first pay check

4-YEAR-OLD'S FIRST PAY CHECK
a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. Love the ending!
Young family moved to a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew all -gems-in-the-rough," more - or - less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing $10. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
the girlproudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those a##holes at the depot ever deliver the f###in; drywall"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gbacs/4_year_olds_first_pay_check/
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When I learnt that the coldest temperature in the universe is 0 Kelvin, I thought to myself,

That's an absolute unit right there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gba4k/when_i_learnt_that_the_coldest_temperature_in_the/
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A midget walks into a bar...

And the bartender says to the midget that he’s having a special today. The bartender says if you can come out back and make my horse both laugh and cry I’ll give you free drinks for the day.
The midget thinks about it for a while and decides he’d like to try, so the bartender brings him out back. The midget says give me two minutes alone with him.
Two minutes later sure enough the horse and the midget come out of the stall and the horse is laughing hysterically. The bar tender says, that’s impressive but you still have to make him cry. The midget says I’ll need two more minutes alone.
Sure enough two minutes later they come out and the horse is sobbing. The bar tender says wow I’m impressed you get the drinks but I have to ask, how did you do it?
The midget says it was easy. First I went in there and told him I have a bigger dick than him. He laughed. Then I showed him I really do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gb5g5/a_midget_walks_into_a_bar/
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What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with big boobs?

Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gb592/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_stop_and/
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A guy goes to hell...

And as Satan is walking him through, they go through a room with a bunch of clocks on the wall.
“What are these for?” The man asks.
“These are the lives of politicians, every time they tell a lie, the clock ticks back,” Satan Replies.
“See,” Satan says, “There’s Gary Johnson’s,” he says as it ticks back.
“And there’s Hillary Clinton’s” as hers ticks back.
“Where’s Donald Trump’s?” The man asks?
Satan says, “Oh, I keep that one in my office. I use it as a ceiling fan”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gb1yt/a_guy_goes_to_hell/
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Did you know that the capital of Ireland had the maximum growth of Europe?

It's Dublin every year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gazq6/did_you_know_that_the_capital_of_ireland_had_the/
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A politician dies and winds up standing in front of the pearly gates.

St. Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..."
"Well, yes, is that a problem?"
"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?" says the politician.
"Them's the rules," says St. Peter, who snaps his fingers, and *WOOSH*—the guy disappears.
He wakes curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, but hears and smells nothing. Just the smell of fabric softener and cut grass... This can't be right, can it?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!" Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too, a penthouse suite. Before him, there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini.
"Who are you?" the politician asks.
"Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!"
"Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks.
Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service... There's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."
The politician wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question.
So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the politician, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20. She throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying on lively discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.
Later, they return to the hotel dining room for an extravagant five-course meal, each course cooked to perfection and better than the previous one. Afterward, his wife whispers something sensual in his ear, his cue to return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense, passionate sex, the politician collapses on the memory foam pillows with Egyptian cotton pillowcases, and falls into a deep and blissful sleep.
The next morning, he is woken by St. Peter. "So, that was Hell," he says. "Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?"
"No sir!" says the politician.
"So then," says St. Peter, "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, etc."
"Well... I know this sounds strange, but, to be honest, I think I'd prefer Hell!" says the politician.
"Not a problem, we totally understand. Enjoy!" says St. Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The politician wakes up in a cold, dark place with hard, stone floors, the stench of ammonia filling the air. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from a flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people who were burned with sulfur. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other.
"What's this?" the politician cries. "Where's the hotel?! Where's my wife?! Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine?!"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning—and then you voted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gaxho/a_politician_dies_and_winds_up_standing_in_front/
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If a woman at a brothel accidentally gets pregnant and has a baby,

Is it a brothel sprout?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gaxd8/if_a_woman_at_a_brothel_accidentally_gets/
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What is NASA’s favorite part of using a computer?

The SPACE bar!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gaogd/what_is_nasas_favorite_part_of_using_a_computer/
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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gan58/a_man_went_into_a_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
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A middle aged man was tired of his job in the city and wanted a place where he could relax

So he decided to go to the seaside and buy a house.  He found the perfect house and was about to buy it when his next door neighbor to be shows up: a very fit, athletic 85 year old man, with a full head of beautiful silver hair!
“Hey old timer, it seems this place has done you good! You look very fit and in shape.” Says the man
“You wouln’t believe the wonders of this place, when I first set foot here I couldn’t even walk, and I was bald! Now look at me!” He exclaims.
The man, who had been fearing of growing old, bald and weak, is very excited at this news, and immediately buys the house next door.
However, a month passes by and, shockingly, the man starts balding and feels no different physically. So he decides to speak with the old timer.
“Hey old timer, you said you grew hair and started walking after you moved here, but I’m balding, what gives? How long have you been here for these effects to show?” says the man
The old timer simply responds: “Well, sonny, I was born an raised here, so it might take a while!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gaj6u/a_middle_aged_man_was_tired_of_his_job_in_the/
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A man goes to see a wizard

and says,
"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe..." says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies,
"I pronounce you man and wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gaee8/a_man_goes_to_see_a_wizard/
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A skeleton walks into a bar...

Bartender:  What’ll be?
Skeleton:  Give me a beer and a mop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9gadon/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
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Judging by how expensive this year's iPhones are...

It's no wonder why they're called the iPhone Excess and iPhone Excess Max

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ga9ka/judging_by_how_expensive_this_years_iphones_are/
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I was thinking about buying the new iPhone

But with so few new features, I thought the price was a bit excessive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ga62t/i_was_thinking_about_buying_the_new_iphone/
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Drinking hot coffee in thin plastic cups reduces men's sexual performance by 80%!

It burns tongue and fingers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ga5az/drinking_hot_coffee_in_thin_plastic_cups_reduces/
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Stevie Wonder cheated on his wife.

So she rearranged all the furniture at the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ga3vl/stevie_wonder_cheated_on_his_wife/
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The latest hipster music craze plays songs at a frequency of 50000 Hz.

You probably never heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ga289/the_latest_hipster_music_craze_plays_songs_at_a/
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As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ga27h/as_a_plumbers_assistant_im_always_being_ordered/
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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said “I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.”
The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned the $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”
The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ga0wd/a_man_had_three_beautiful_girlfriends_but_didnt/
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Why don’t ants ever get sick?

Because they’ve got little Anty bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g9xy8/why_dont_ants_ever_get_sick/
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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g9wqu/if_your_phone_auto_corrects_fuck_to_duck_its_okay/
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7

One night I was dreaming the number 7, over an over. To my amazement, when I woke up it was 7 o'clock, on July the 7th. So I took the bus on line 7 straight to the racetrack and bet 7777$ on the 7th horse from the 7th round. She finished on 7th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g9w8b/7/
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What is the worst thing about sex in a cemetery?

All the damn digging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g9uak/what_is_the_worst_thing_about_sex_in_a_cemetery/
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I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g9rt8/i_asked_a_scottish_friend_of_mine_how_many_sexual/
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France, Italy, and Portugal are waiting in the back of the line for the League of Nations

They all look baffled at the amount of countries waiting to get accepted.
Portugal: “It’s a shame that only a handful of countries wanted world peace.”
Italy: “But it’s still a hefty amount.”
France: “This is quite a line for just a handful.”
Portugal: “It’s the world, what do you expect?”
Italy: “Say, how many countries signed up for this thing?”
Portugal: “I believe 43 countries including us wanted to do this.”
Italy: “Isn’t Spain supposed to be with us? We are all  neighbors after all”
Portugal: “I thought so, but he always comes late. I wouldn’t count on him being here.”
They all move up one spot and continue the conversation, but they are stopped by a familiar face.
They are stunned, as their jaws drop with silence coming from their mouths. Spain had already been accepted into the League of Nations.
France: “Who knew he would already be here? Nobody expects the Spanish in position.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g9rmc/france_italy_and_portugal_are_waiting_in_the_back/
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Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from the sperm bank?

He got caught drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g9ob4/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_security_guard_who_got/
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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth...

After that, everything else was made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g9m1y/in_the_beginning_god_created_the_heaven_and_the/
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I’m gonna tell you a UDP joke...

But you might not get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g9gvk/im_gonna_tell_you_a_udp_joke/
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I dont know why people say cancer is hard to beat

I'm already on stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g9dzs/i_dont_know_why_people_say_cancer_is_hard_to_beat/
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My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender

I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to over-population".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g9dl4/my_wife_said_she_wanted_just_one_child_of_each/
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I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g9d7j/i_recently_filmed_my_wife_wanking_me_off_with_her/
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My friend Claire predicted she'd be able to float in water

Guess she thought she was Claire bouyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g9b6u/my_friend_claire_predicted_shed_be_able_to_float/
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Romania: Hey Hungary!

Romania: Wanna hear a joke?
Hungary: Sure!
Romania: Transilvania.
Hungary: I don't get it.
Romania: You will never get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g9arx/romania_hey_hungary/
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Three Europeans come to America.

They all get captured by Native Americans who want to kill them, but the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The Native Americans agree to spare their lives on one condition: The Europeans need into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed on what to do with in on their return.
So the first European comes back with a peach. One Native Americans says “Shove it up your ass. If you laugh, we’ll kill you.” So he shoves it up his ass and laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.
The second European comes back with a grape. The Native Americans tell him the same thing. He laughs, so the Native Americans kill him.
They both see each other in heaven and the first European says, “I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy so that’s why I laughed. You had a grape; what happened to you?”
The second guy says, “Oh yeah. I was doing just fine until I saw the third guy come back with a pineapple!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g96mm/three_europeans_come_to_america/
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There is a band called 1023 MB.

So far, they haven’t had any gigs yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g96h6/there_is_a_band_called_1023_mb/
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What's the difference between an apathist and a nihilist?

Nobody cares, it doesn't really matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g967m/whats_the_difference_between_an_apathist_and_a/
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Roman

I'm Having trouble finding out what
51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals!!!
I'm LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g94vw/roman/
%
Why should women over 30 never play hide and seek?

Because no one is looking for them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g90df/why_should_women_over_30_never_play_hide_and_seek/
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*slaps roof of kid*

This baby can hold so many disappointments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g8zh9/slaps_roof_of_kid/
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What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g8z3b/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
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The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g8rz5/the_last_time_my_wife_and_i_had_a_fight_it_ended/
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What do you smoke underwater?

Seaweed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g8q2t/what_do_you_smoke_underwater/
%
A priest, a politician, and a programmer die and go to the pearly gates

First, the priest comes before Saint Peter.
"Do you have anything to confess?"
"You know, I did my best," says the priest, "but I was short with people sometimes. I had some anger issues and I'm sorry about the people whose feelings I hurt."
Poof. The priest zips through the gates.
Next is the politician.
"Anything to confess?"
"Nothing of note, really... well, ok." The politician chuckles nervously. "I did steal some office supplies. I know, I know, capital offense, ahaha."
Poof. The politician zips through the gates.
Finally, the programmer comes up.
"Anything to confess?"
"I do have something to confess," says the programmer. "I killed someone."
"Wow," says Saint Peter. "That's a terrible sin, but admitting it does help. Do you feel remorse for your actions?"
"No," says the programmer. "I don't feel any remorse."
"Please explain," says Saint Peter, "what happened?"
"I saw that son of a bitch's code and I put out a hit out on him. The world is better off without him."
"Ah, common problem we get with programmers. You know who authored it?"
"No, I just gave the hitman the code to track him down with and then I ended up here... oh. Yeah, I know who authored it."
"Alright," says Saint Peter. "Well, here's the deal. Either I can send you to hell for your terrible sin or you can do penance."
"Really, what's the penance?"
"You have to refactor the code."
"Hell it is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g8jp6/a_priest_a_politician_and_a_programmer_die_and_go/
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Every time I drank coffee I got a sharp pain in my eye. I went to the doctor

He said take the spoon out if the cup!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g8ge1/every_time_i_drank_coffee_i_got_a_sharp_pain_in/
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A little girl asked her dad where babies come from.

Dad: "The daddy plants a seed in the mommy."
Little girl: "Does she swallow the seed?"
Dad: "Only if she wants a new dress."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g8cwh/a_little_girl_asked_her_dad_where_babies_come_from/
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Selling Toothbrushes. Source: My Dad

(Long)
One day a man was walking down the street when he sees a kid on the corner selling tooth brushes. The kid asks him, "Hey sir would you like to buy a toothbrush?"
The man says, "I would except I already have one at home. I don't need one right now but do you want a tip to help you out?" and the kid says "Sure!"
The man says, "Kid, if you want to be a successful salesman, you gotta come up with a twist. You need to do something to grab the customers attention." The kid responds, "Oh I get it!" and the man goes home for the night.
The next day, the man goes by and sees the same kid. The kid asks, "Hey sir, do you want a free brownie?" and the man says, "Of course! Thank you!" He takes a bite and immediately spits it out. He says, "Hey! These taste like dogshit!" and the kid says, "That's because it is! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g8cdu/selling_toothbrushes_source_my_dad/
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What did cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g84dv/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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Two babies are sitting in their playpen cooing away...

Baby 1: Well, looks like I'm getting circumcised tomorrow.
Baby 2: Ouch, I had it done when I was just a few days old.
Baby 1: Well then, does it hurt mate?
Baby 2: I'll put it to you this way pal, after I had it done I couldn't walk for about a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g8126/two_babies_are_sitting_in_their_playpen_cooing/
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Why do optometrists live longer?

Because they dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g7zif/why_do_optometrists_live_longer/
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What’s the worst thing a woman can hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I’m not Willie Nelson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g7vra/whats_the_worst_thing_a_woman_can_hear_after/
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I quit my job at the helium factory

I just wouldn’t let them take that tone with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g7tq2/i_quit_my_job_at_the_helium_factory/
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My ex girlfriend had a really wierd fetish

She liked to dress up as herself and act like a bitch all the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g7jv7/my_ex_girlfriend_had_a_really_wierd_fetish/
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Why did the lawyer miss his flight?

There was a problem with his brief case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g7eub/why_did_the_lawyer_miss_his_flight/
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I was fine with my earlier math classes,

but geometry is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g7e6r/i_was_fine_with_my_earlier_math_classes/
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My band used to have a Polish sound guy.

And we also had a Czech one, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g7cn1/my_band_used_to_have_a_polish_sound_guy/
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What do you call religious hay?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g7can/what_do_you_call_religious_hay/
%
Why did all the Avengers have to get glasses?

Because they had poor Vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g7c8v/why_did_all_the_avengers_have_to_get_glasses/
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The only way you're gonna get laid.

Is if you crawl up a chickens ass and wait!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g7bsg/the_only_way_youre_gonna_get_laid/
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What song does an archaeologist listen to when their work site is closed?

No Diggity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g7a7n/what_song_does_an_archaeologist_listen_to_when/
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A guy was admitted to a hospital with 8 plastic horse in his stomach.

His condition is now stable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g781i/a_guy_was_admitted_to_a_hospital_with_8_plastic/
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When he gets ill, and old man contacts a daughter he hasn't seen in years and convinces her to bring her family to meet him before he dies.

The woman and her son spend the better part of the day with him in the hospital, while her husband spends the day cleaning the old man's house and taking care of various logistical concerns.
When he arrives, he notices that while his wife is quite happy, their son looks miserable, so he pulls the boy aside to ask how things are going.
'He asked me what I wanted to do with my life, and I told him I wanted to be a musician, so he made me listen to this terrible old music, then asked me what I thought about it.  Every time I tell him I don't like it, he gets annoyed and tells me that they're 'classics,' and I should learn to appreciate them.  What the hell does that even mean?  What's the difference between something that's a 'classic' and something that's just old?'
The father thinks about that for a second before replying, 'Classic music may not be what you enjoy, but it's got a place in musical history.  It may not be great, but if it hadn't existed when it did, then we wouldn't have the music that we have now.  and some people think that you have to learn to love it because of what it helped create, if not for itself.  That's kind of what classical means.'
The boy, sighed, shrugged, and the two of them rejoined the mother and grandfather.  They stayed in town for the next three days, all of which were miserable for the son, who was perpetually critiqued and argued with by his grandfather, while his mother seemed to be having the time of her life reconnecting with the old man.
When the time finally came to leave, and they all climbed into the car to drive off, the mother turned to her son and said, 'so, what do you think of your grandfather.'
The boy took a moment to consider before finally replying.  "He's a classic, mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g76rs/when_he_gets_ill_and_old_man_contacts_a_daughter/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first orders 1 pint, the second orders a half pint, the third a 1/4 pint, and so on. This goes on for awhile until the bartender finally stops them, hands them 2 pints, and says "you mathematicians just don't know your limits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g74vb/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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Today I discovered a shocking side effect of vaccines.

Adults

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g74a3/today_i_discovered_a_shocking_side_effect_of/
%
There was an amputee party...

It was crawling with pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g73mq/there_was_an_amputee_party/
%
What do you call two contented gay Irish men?

Henry Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzhenry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g7122/what_do_you_call_two_contented_gay_irish_men/
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Men will never experience the pain of a period

Because the closest we’ll ever get is a coma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6xgu/men_will_never_experience_the_pain_of_a_period/
%
What’s the kind of bee that makes milk?

A boobee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6wln/whats_the_kind_of_bee_that_makes_milk/
%
When does a joke become a Dad Joke?

When it leaves you and doesn't come back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6wjv/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
At my friend's gender reveal party last night

They told me to put my pants back on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6tbt/at_my_friends_gender_reveal_party_last_night/
%
People might think masturbation is a useless skill

But I find it often comes in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6q5x/people_might_think_masturbation_is_a_useless_skill/
%
Two Old Men

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when  Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I  just hurt all over, how are you feeling?
John replied "I feel just like a new born babe"
Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?"
"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just sh!t my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6pir/two_old_men/
%
Marriage certificate

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate,  after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for?
He replied, “The expiration date.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6ogy/marriage_certificate/
%
I told my friends I have a date with an attractive woman. They laughed and said she was imaginary.

Jokes on them, because they’re imaginary too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6m7g/i_told_my_friends_i_have_a_date_with_an/
%
A hooker approaches a middle-aged man at the bar and says, “I’ll do anything you want for $50.”

He opens his wallet and says, “Paint my garage doors.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6ly5/a_hooker_approaches_a_middleaged_man_at_the_bar/
%
My girlfriend broke with me because i lie all the time..

I'm paralyzed..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6lwq/my_girlfriend_broke_with_me_because_i_lie_all_the/
%
How come that someone donates one kidney and they're a hero,

but I bring 5 in a plastic bag and I get arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6ljd/how_come_that_someone_donates_one_kidney_and/
%
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To avoid being mistaken for feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6g3e/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
%
I'm walking thru Central Park and a guy says to me: "5 bucks, you can talk to my ducks"

"Ducks can't talk" says I.
"5 bucks, you can talk to them, I promise"
"You know what, I have nothing to do, here's 5 bucks"
I walk to the first duck "Hey duckie, how was your day?"
"Oh, you know, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"
"HOLY SHIT, They do talk!" says I.
On to the next duck "Hey, how was your day?"
"Oh, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"
"alright, now you, duckie, how was your day?"
"Oh it was TERRIBLE!!!"
"How come?"
"My name is Puddles!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6ei5/im_walking_thru_central_park_and_a_guy_says_to_me/
%
What's a mortician's favorite drink?

A morgue-arita.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6ddp/whats_a_morticians_favorite_drink/
%
A Jewish and Russian soldier come under heavy fire...

As both engage the enemy the Jewish soldier is struck with a bullet and mortally wounded.
The Russian soldier continues to return fire and hold back the enemy, eventually however his ammo is spent.
He looks to his Jewish comrade and says “I cannot hold them back, I’m out of ammunition”
The Jew, struggling to keep his eyes open motions the Russian over. “Here” he says “you can buy some of mine”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6cno/a_jewish_and_russian_soldier_come_under_heavy_fire/
%
A boy walks in on his father in the shower.

"What's that?" He asks. "This is a penis, son," his father replies. "In fact," he continues, deciding to boast: "This is the world's most perfect penis." The son then leaves.
Later, the boy is playing outside with his sister when he has to pee, so he goes over to a tree and pulls down his pants.
"What's that?" His sister asks, pointing between his legs. The boy decides to share his newfound knowledge: "This is a penis," he says eloquently. "In fact," he continues: "If it were 2 inches shorter, it would be the world's most perfect penis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g6aj9/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_father_in_the_shower/
%
I've started doubting myself a lot less recently...

well at least I think I have

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g65xs/ive_started_doubting_myself_a_lot_less_recently/
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Old but gold

The other night I was going down on my girlfriend and I said
“Jeez you’ve got a big pussy, jeez you’ve got a big pussy.”
She moaned “why did you say that twice?”
To which I replied “I didn’t”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g64hr/old_but_gold/
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A virile, middle-aged, Italian man

was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.
After a while they retired to his bedroom where he 'rattled' her in spectacular fashion. After a smoke and brief interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, he reached for her again, and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly amid screams of passion.
Finally, he comes to a halt. He smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, he, mustering all his strength and recuperative powers, cranks up for one final burst. In a wild, monumentally frenetic climax they end together, screaming, snorting, bucking, and ripping at the bed sheets.
Absolutely and completely buggered, he falls onto his back, gasping for air. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asks again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g63te/a_virile_middleaged_italian_man/
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A duck walks into a bar.

The duck says "got any grapes?" "No" says the bartender. The duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day. "Got any grapes?" "Still no" replies the bartender. The duck leaves. The duck comes back a third day and asks the bartender "hey, got any grapes?" "No" says the bartender "and if you ask me again, I'll nail you feet to the ceiling."
"Got any nails?" "No."
"Got any grapes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g637l/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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Homeless guy writes letters to God...

A homeless guy writes a letter addressed to God every day begging for $10000 and attaches it to a balloon assuming that the God lives in the clouds.
The balloon always gets caught in the cell tower next to the local police department and cops read every letter the homeless guy sent. After a few months and over a hundred letters, they took pity on him and raised $5000.
The cops found where the balloon was coming from and gave the homeless guy the $5000 they raised in an envelope, on which they wrote 'from God'.
Homeless guy assumes God answered him and has tears of joy in his eyes. The next day he writes another letter thanking God and sends the balloon. The cops, this time, eagerly opened the letter. After reading paragraphs of gratitude towards the God, they finally come to the last line, which read-
'Finally, once more, thank you God for sending the money. But next time please drop all of it directly in my cart, those dirty corrupt cops stole half the money you sent me.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g62q4/homeless_guy_writes_letters_to_god/
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Parallel Lines

They have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g5uif/parallel_lines/
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I asked my Hindu friend whether he plans to evacuate for Hurricane Florence.

He said, Na-ama-ste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g5smv/i_asked_my_hindu_friend_whether_he_plans_to/
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A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.

“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”
“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”
“Oh, that’s nothing” The 90 year old says. “I have it the worst!”
“Can you pee?” The first man asks.
“Certainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.”
“Can you poop?” The second man asks.
“Yes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.”
“Then I don’t understand what the problem is!” The first man says.
“Well, I wake up at 9!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g5qn2/a_70_year_old_80_year_old_and_90_year_old_men_in/
%
when you make coffee for someone and put in milk

"actually, I prefer my coffee black"
"it's too latte for that now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g5qio/when_you_make_coffee_for_someone_and_put_in_milk/
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A quote from the guy who invented the stationary exercise bike...

"My life is going nowhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g5o0g/a_quote_from_the_guy_who_invented_the_stationary/
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[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.
I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g5i6p/serious_just_a_reminder_to_be_careful_when/
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I've always felt 6:30 was the best time of day

Hands down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g5gnu/ive_always_felt_630_was_the_best_time_of_day/
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Why does no one tell jokes about the Jones town massacre

the punchline was too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g5f2h/why_does_no_one_tell_jokes_about_the_jones_town/
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Everybody says smoking will kill you

What don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g5bz9/everybody_says_smoking_will_kill_you/
%
What is the difference between a Star Wars action-figure collector who smokes e-cigarettes and a Catholic Priest?

One is a toy-loving vapist, and the other...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g5at9/what_is_the_difference_between_a_star_wars/
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What does the mexican say to his friend when he tells a good joke ?

Nice juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g59jq/what_does_the_mexican_say_to_his_friend_when_he/
%
Why is gay pride month in the summer?

Because pride cometh before the fall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g589w/why_is_gay_pride_month_in_the_summer/
%
Amazon

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g57ky/amazon/
%
What's heavier? 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

200 pounds of bricks is just a bunch of bricks. But if you carry 200 pounds of feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g53as/whats_heavier_200_pounds_of_bricks_or_200_pounds/
%
A man is in the confession chamber.

“Father” - he says - “I’ve sinned.”
“What have you done, my child?” answers the priest.
“I raped a kid and I have blasphemed and cursed during the act.”
“Yeah no wonder, they never stay still.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g5372/a_man_is_in_the_confession_chamber/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g4yor/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_took_her/
%
Just an I’m Dad joke.

Father: “Hi son, how are you today?”
Son: “I’m hungry, can we get something to eat?”
Father: “Hi Hungry, I’m I’m Dad.”
Son: “Why are you stuttering again? Did you forget to take medicine?”
Father:  “I dropped Medicine off at soccer practice over an hour ago. I told her to walk Home when she’s gets home.”
Son: “Why would you bring medicine to soccer practice?!”
Father: “Hungry, I’m talking about your sister. She’s should be home any minute.”
Son: “Ugh whatever.”
*Sister walks in the front door and sees father and pet dog*
Sister: “Hi, I’m Dad! I’m home, Home!”
Sister to Father: “Should I walk Home now?”
Son: “I hate my family.”
Father and Sister: “Don’t talk about your mother like that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g4w5t/just_an_im_dad_joke/
%
What do you call it when Bob Dylan sucks your dick in a hurricane?

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g4v4y/what_do_you_call_it_when_bob_dylan_sucks_your/
%
A little girl goes to the pet shop and asks, “Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?”

The shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says,
“Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft bwack fwuffy wabbit, or perhaps one like that widdle bwown one over there?”
The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers,
“I don’t wealy fink my anaconda gives a phuc.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g4v15/a_little_girl_goes_to_the_pet_shop_and_asks/
%
Weightlifting is a tough sport

Others set the bar very high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g4uh7/weightlifting_is_a_tough_sport/
%
Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.
“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.
“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
&nbsp;
“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
&nbsp;
“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
&nbsp;
“Yeah, yeah, I can’t complain.”
&nbsp;
“And here in Russia, don’t you have job to work at?”
&nbsp;
“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
&nbsp;
“So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?”
“Because *There* I can complain!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g4u6e/back_in_the_days_of_the_soviet_union_a_jewish_man/
%
Billy the tree.

Billy the tree aces his SATs at Forest High and ends up with a full college scholarship. The day arrives for him to move halfway across the state. The older trees wish him luck, and they make him promise to write. They wave and cheer as he packs his trunk and leaves.
He arrives at his college and after a few days of partying with humans he decides that he never wants to see his boring old forest again.
The first letter arrives from home and he ignores it. He trims his leaves into a rough approximation of a human hairstyle. Another letter arrives and goes on the pile. He buys low-slung jeans and an Abercrombie hoodie. Another letter arrives. Billy spends half his savings on an Xbox and practises Call of Duty and Madden in order to better fit in. Another letter. Billy takes up smoking, despite the dangers.
He feels a little weak and notices that his leaves are browning at the edges, but he puts it down to all the jaeger and cheap beer.
A few other trees in class try to talk to him but he ignores them in favor of his exciting new human friends. He laughs at their bird's nests and old tyre swings and their shitty topiary. He makes it clear that he wants nothing to do with them.
But Billy feels tired all the time! His leaves start to fall off. His knots ache and his branches begin to twist in on themselves. His bark feels loose and starts to slough off at the slightest touch. He's dry, tinder dry. He drops a cigarette and damn near burns his twig-and-berries off. His human friends have no idea how to help and abandon him in his dorm.
After a few days he's little more than a dry, cracked trunk surrounded by kindling and rotting bark. His roommate brings his mail and dumps it on his desk. He reaches out and opens his latest letter from home.
"Billy," it says, "YOU'VE FORGOTTEN YOUR ROOTS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g4pas/billy_the_tree/
%
Smart diagnosis machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Kevin deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Kevin began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Kevin hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g4hza/smart_diagnosis_machine/
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I dont know why my family is just now holding a drug intervention.

I have been telling them for years that I work for coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g4ah6/i_dont_know_why_my_family_is_just_now_holding_a/
%
Best thing in the mornings

One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g4a34/best_thing_in_the_mornings/
%
I’m a glass is always half empty kinda guy.

I’m not pessimistic, I’m just a raging alcoholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g49ui/im_a_glass_is_always_half_empty_kinda_guy/
%
Why did the girl ant drown?

Because she was not buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g458w/why_did_the_girl_ant_drown/
%
Someone challenged me to come up with an original catholic priest joke, so I thought...

Nah, I'm not gonna touch that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g3z1u/someone_challenged_me_to_come_up_with_an_original/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g3xx2/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
%
My boyfriend insisted that a two inch penis can’t change our relationship.

But I still called the police after I found one in the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g3x85/my_boyfriend_insisted_that_a_two_inch_penis_cant/
%
"Dad, why is my sister's name Esor?"

"Because your mother loves roses, her name is rose backwards."
"Thanks Dad!"
"No problem Lana."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g3vy8/dad_why_is_my_sisters_name_esor/
%
How to get 11 million followers? Walk with a bottle of water....

In Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g3vlx/how_to_get_11_million_followers_walk_with_a/
%
Bill Cosby jokes are perfect for reposting

No one remembers their first time hearing them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g3s45/bill_cosby_jokes_are_perfect_for_reposting/
%
I've conquered my fear of ghosts

me: I've conquered my fear of ghosts
therapist: that's the spirit
me: oh fuck, where?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g3n5k/ive_conquered_my_fear_of_ghosts/
%
A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named clearly

suddenly, Lorraine died.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g3mmj/a_man_cheats_on_his_girlfriend_named_lorraine/
%
According to a recent medical study, masturbation helps to ease congestion.

The traffic cops on my afternoon commute did not agree, however.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g3kiz/according_to_a_recent_medical_study_masturbation/
%
How did Jesus exercise?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g3kfi/how_did_jesus_exercise/
%
You are very much like a septic tank.

Full of shit and should be buried underground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g3iut/you_are_very_much_like_a_septic_tank/
%
How many bears can Bear Grylls grills if Bear Grylls can grill bears?

A gryllions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g3gyq/how_many_bears_can_bear_grylls_grills_if_bear/
%
What do you call fish without eyes?

Fsh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g3a00/what_do_you_call_fish_without_eyes/
%
They say you are what you eat,

But I don't remember eating anything with bad memory...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g380c/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
Why don't T-rex go to war?

Because they're short on arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g37o7/why_dont_trex_go_to_war/
%
What's the difference between a lady in church and a lady in a bathtub?

The lady in church has hope in her soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g37j2/whats_the_difference_between_a_lady_in_church_and/
%
Two boobs were hanging around without a bra. What did the one boob say to the other boob?

If we don't get some support, people we'll think were nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g33xb/two_boobs_were_hanging_around_without_a_bra_what/
%
What do you call a reptile that starts fights over social media?

An InstaGator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g333i/what_do_you_call_a_reptile_that_starts_fights/
%
Did you hear about the kid who killed his dad and fucked his mom at the flower shop?

It was an oedipal arrangement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2zd5/did_you_hear_about_the_kid_who_killed_his_dad_and/
%
What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2rnl/whats_the_difference_between_humans_and_a_bullet/
%
What’s the difference between whites and blacks?

They require different laundry machine settings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2r58/whats_the_difference_between_whites_and_blacks/
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In Roman Catholicism who invented Cheese?

Cheesus
(I'm really high so I apologize if this joke makes no sense)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2pu4/in_roman_catholicism_who_invented_cheese/
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An American Soldier Meets an Australian Soldier At a Warzone

**American soldier:** Did you come here to die?
**Australian soldier:** Nah mate, came 'ere yesterday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2o1g/an_american_soldier_meets_an_australian_soldier/
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What's the difference between girl spaghetti and boy spaghetti?

Meatballs.
My 10 year old daughter just told me this and I had to share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2kqg/whats_the_difference_between_girl_spaghetti_and/
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The Glass Eye...

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go and talk to her.
Suddenly the woman sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
‘Oh my God, I am sooo sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.’
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning.
When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. ‘You know you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’
‘No,’ she replies, ‘you just happened to catch my eye.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2i50/the_glass_eye/
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A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2hp1/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_owned_by_eminem/
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A man wakes up to a surprise blowjob

It was the last time he fell asleep with his mouth open on the subway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2gm2/a_man_wakes_up_to_a_surprise_blowjob/
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Prison vs Work

Prison | Work
:--:|:--:
You spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. | You spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
You get 3 meals a day. | You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
The guard locks and unlock doors for you. | You must carry a card and unlock all the doors by yourself.
You can play games and watch TV. | You get fired for playing games and watching TV.
All expenses paid for by taxpayers with no work required. | You pay for all expenses to work and they still deduct taxes form your salary to fund prisoners
You get your own toilet. | You have to share with some idiots who pee on the toilet seat.
You get visited by family and friends to visit. | You cannot speak to family or friends.
You spend most of your time inside bars wanting to get out. | You spend most of your time wanting to go out into bars.
You deal with sadistic wardens. | They are called managers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2g3q/prison_vs_work/
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Irregular is something you never want to hear at a check up.

Unless you’re at the ear doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2eun/irregular_is_something_you_never_want_to_hear_at/
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My family is pure treasure...

... You will need a map and a shovel to find them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2e1k/my_family_is_pure_treasure/
%
Just saw an ape and a monkey debating what the correct way to refer to them is.

I think they're just arguing simiantics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2d1i/just_saw_an_ape_and_a_monkey_debating_what_the/
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I read somewhere that 1 out of 3 people cheat

I did the math, and there is a 5/9 chance that my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2cnw/i_read_somewhere_that_1_out_of_3_people_cheat/
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I can’t seem to understand water polo

I always do fairly well but the horse always drowns in the end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2cl9/i_cant_seem_to_understand_water_polo/
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3 Europeans come to America...

...and they all get captured by native Americans and they want to kill them, but the Europeans beg to have their lives spread.
The native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition:the Europeans must go in the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach.The Native American says “Shove it up your ass,if you laugh we will kill you.”So,he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs,and the native Americans kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape.The Native American tells him the same thing.He laughs and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy “I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so that’s why I laughed,but you had a grape what happened?”
The second guy says “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g2c2z/3_europeans_come_to_america/
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What do you call a compulsive liar who's also an astronaut, a billionaire, and a nascar driver?

Me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g28l1/what_do_you_call_a_compulsive_liar_whos_also_an/
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A man got into a nasty accident

in which his penis was ripped off. At the hospital the surgeon was at wit’s end at what to do. Then he came a across a big dog whose penis he cut off and then stitched onto the man.
The man recovered and went about his daily life. One day the doctor met him and asked him about his penis. The man answered ”It works great doc. But whenever I pee I have to lift one leg up”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g27xk/a_man_got_into_a_nasty_accident/
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One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"
Driver replied: “Im sorry it's not your fault;  I used to be funeral driver for 25 years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g25qw/one_day_a_taxi_cab_passenger_touched/
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What do you call a ricegum elephant

Irrelephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g25nw/what_do_you_call_a_ricegum_elephant/
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I put a bull and a bear in a cage to fight.

The stock market crashed shortly after...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g25gz/i_put_a_bull_and_a_bear_in_a_cage_to_fight/
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How does a handkerchief differ from golf?

If you get a hole in one you might end up with a bogey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g236c/how_does_a_handkerchief_differ_from_golf/
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If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal,

then she's a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1zid/if_a_girl_is_preventing_you_from_reaching_your/
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar

The bar tender said sorry we don’t serve food here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1xv6/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments

Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1wim/tchaikovsky_you_cannot_use_instruments_of_war_as/
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How did the mathematician cure his constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1v66/how_did_the_mathematician_cure_his_constipation/
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Did you hear the one about the Sexy element?

It was sodium fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1uwp/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_sexy_element/
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How many dads does it take to change a bulb?

One to fetch the ladder, one to go back to the hardware store to get the right bulb, another to look up and say "yep", and the rest to just stand around, debating charcoal vs gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1r2r/how_many_dads_does_it_take_to_change_a_bulb/
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Bungee jumping: $14.50

Kids go free, no strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1ock/bungee_jumping_1450/
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Women have such a great memory

They remember things that never happened

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1mpe/women_have_such_a_great_memory/
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The sharp eye-witness

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”
“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?”
“No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1lpk/the_sharp_eyewitness/
%
My wife said she wanted to be surprised for her birthday

So I took her sister to Hawaii for a week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1hyp/my_wife_said_she_wanted_to_be_surprised_for_her/
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How many cigarettes did the rapper smoke each day?

2Pacs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1fqk/how_many_cigarettes_did_the_rapper_smoke_each_day/
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Trophy Wife

My buddy introduced me to his trophy wife......
Apparently she didn’t come in first place..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1ews/trophy_wife/
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Three wealthy men were sitting at a bar the day after valentines day

The first man declared: “I love my wife so much I got her something that goes from 0 to a 100 in 4 seconds!”
The other men were confused until he said: “I got her a white sports car!”
The other men smile and one of them responds: “Thats funny because I love her so much that I got her something that goes from 0 to 100 in 2 seconds.”
“What kind of a car is that?” The other men ask.
“A Ferrari” says the man with a huge grin on his face.
The last man, who has had a smirky smile on his face throughout the whole conversation says: “Well thats impressive and all but what I bought for my wife goes from 0 to *200* in 1 second!”
“Impossible!” The other men exclaim
“Oh but it is” says the last man. “She’s gained a ton of weight so I bought her a scale.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1czc/three_wealthy_men_were_sitting_at_a_bar_the_day/
%
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

Because he was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1cbz/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
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Who cares if you pee in the shower?

Turns out the bride and her other guests—-apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1bjd/who_cares_if_you_pee_in_the_shower/
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Roses are grey, violets are grey, tulips are grey..

I am a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1bdv/roses_are_grey_violets_are_grey_tulips_are_grey/
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An archeologist finds three coffins. The first two have ornate drawing of a person covering each of their front sides. The third one, however, possessed only a primitive sort of stick figure. Who did the archeologist think was buried in the last coffin?

The coffin painter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1b7r/an_archeologist_finds_three_coffins_the_first_two/
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A man goes to confession at his local church...

He sits in the confessional box and begins to confess his sins.
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. This week, I took the Lord’s name in vain.”
“Tell me what happened, my son” replied the priest
“Well, Father. I was out golfing on Wednesday afternoon and I’d been playing a great game. And then I came up to the 16th hole. I hit my first shot from the tee box, and I hit it an awful slice Father, straight into the trees and rough to the right of the fairway...”
“And that was when you took the Lord’s name in vain?” Asked the priest
“No, Father. I was able to maintain my composure then. I found my ball and played a recovery shot towards the green. It was sailing high, and dropped right into a massive bunker in front of the green...”
“I’m a golfer myself, son. Even then I would find my own temper rise if I played a shot like that” said the priest
“Yes, Father, but I still stayed calm. I played my wedge and got out of the bunker in one. The ball rolled past the cup and kept rolling for another 15 feet or so”
“Surely then you uttered the Lord’s name?” The priest asked incredulously
“I held my tongue still, Father. I took out my putter and lined up my shot and hit the putt which rolled slowly towards the cup, stopping inches from the hole...”
“Jesus Christ! You don’t tell me you missed the fucking putt?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1anw/a_man_goes_to_confession_at_his_local_church/
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After burning a building, a son asks his father

"Are we pyromaniacs, Dad?". The father replies, "Yes, we arson"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1776/after_burning_a_building_a_son_asks_his_father/
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Sheep Joke

\- What do you call a SHEEP covered with CHOCOLATE?
\--- CANDY BAA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g16gs/sheep_joke/
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A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."
"I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."
All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering.
"The Channel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g1330/a_german_an_italian_a_frenchman_and_an_englishman/
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There's no better time to add insult to injury...

...Than when you're signing a cast :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g11rc/theres_no_better_time_to_add_insult_to_injury/
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What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g11bz/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
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A duck walks into a pub

and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"
"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him;
"You're with the circus aren't you?
I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "What the ***k do they want with a plasterer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g10te/a_duck_walks_into_a_pub/
%
The longest US sitting president...

would have been Franklin D. Roosevelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g103t/the_longest_us_sitting_president/
%
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly

abrand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, ayoung man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly howmany sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherdlooked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefullygrazing flock and calmly answered "sure".
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected itto a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where hecalled up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and thenopened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.
He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received aresponse. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturisedprinter then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watchesthe young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is,will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." saysthe yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answersthe shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want toget paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, andyou don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0yud/a_shepherd_was_herding_his_flock_in_a_remote/
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Don't feel bad about not donating to blind peoples charities...

They were never going to see it anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0y7u/dont_feel_bad_about_not_donating_to_blind_peoples/
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What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0wk6/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”
Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then says “Okay, okay. We were watching porn.”
Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
^Edit: ^Fixed ^grammar ^+ ^tenses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0uls/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_that_slaps_people/
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My girlfriend just emailed me “Thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative?”

Does anyone know what ‘ternative’ means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0tcd/my_girlfriend_just_emailed_me/
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What was 50 Cents called after he gave his opinion of Eminem?

48 Cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0rul/what_was_50_cents_called_after_he_gave_his/
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I was walking down the street one day in New York City when I was approached by a black guy. He asked me "Did the Yankees Win?"

I said "Well yeah, you're free"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0rcp/i_was_walking_down_the_street_one_day_in_new_york/
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Rudolph the red

November a very rich soviet couple where walking back to there home.  They hear some distant thunder and the man looks up at the clouds “yep it’s gonna rain tonight”
“What are you talking about” says the wife it’s clearly going to snow you idiot”
“It’s to warm to snow it’s going to rain, and look honey there’s the friendly neighborhood communists officer let’s ask him”
They walk up to the communist officer and he says “hi I’m Rudolph how can I help?”
The husband asks the question and Rudolph say “hmmm I think it will rain tonight”
“No it’s not” proclaims the wife
The husband responds “honey Rudolph the red knows rain dear”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0raz/rudolph_the_red/
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I stumbled upon an Islamic Fortnite Youtuber...

His name was Allah-A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0pq5/i_stumbled_upon_an_islamic_fortnite_youtuber/
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Me: Hey, are you high?

Acquaintance: Hello, am I what?
Me: High
Acquaintance: Hello

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0plg/me_hey_are_you_high/
%
I have just applied for a job as a litter collector.

They asked if I had any relevant experience but I said I will just pick it up as I go along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0o3j/i_have_just_applied_for_a_job_as_a_litter/
%
This morning I went to my support group for premature ejaculation.

Turns out the meeting is tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0nza/this_morning_i_went_to_my_support_group_for/
%
Never pour cereal down the loo.

It Kellogg's up your toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0kcp/never_pour_cereal_down_the_loo/
%
My girlfriend told me love means nothing to her

That's what I get for dating a tennis player.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0ifs/my_girlfriend_told_me_love_means_nothing_to_her/
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My girlfriend left me because I'm balding.

I almost pulled my hair out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0hxv/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_im_balding/
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Me and the wife have just picked up a 19 year old escort to spice up our sex life

and as soon as I can get it through an MOT we are definitely going dogging in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0c7v/me_and_the_wife_have_just_picked_up_a_19_year_old/
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What‘s the difference...

Between a woman in a bathtub and a woman in church?
A woman in church has got hope in her soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g0aqd/whats_the_difference/
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Why do we refer to priests as "father"?

Because it would be too suspicious to call them "daddy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g087d/why_do_we_refer_to_priests_as_father/
%
Jesus addresses the angry mob who are stoning a prostitute

“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” A stone flies through the air and hits the woman. Jesus turns around and says, “Sometimes you really piss me off, Mother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g04q3/jesus_addresses_the_angry_mob_who_are_stoning_a/
%
I'm so hungry I could eat my watch.

But that would be time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g02tm/im_so_hungry_i_could_eat_my_watch/
%
Charity Marathons....

... They sure give you a run for your money...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9g00f6/charity_marathons/
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What do you call a group of black men standing in a hole?

Afroturf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fzymq/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_black_men_standing_in/
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I used to be a male trapped in a females body...

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fzy6b/i_used_to_be_a_male_trapped_in_a_females_body/
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My wife seemed full of herself when she got back from the party..

..turns out she was actually full of someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fzxwj/my_wife_seemed_full_of_herself_when_she_got_back/
%
What do you call a 3-part novel about Michael Jackson?

A Thriller-gy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fzxpw/what_do_you_call_a_3part_novel_about_michael/
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Apparently Colin Kaepernick is pursuing a career in comedy

He’s landed some acting roles but he can’t do stand-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fztxi/apparently_colin_kaepernick_is_pursuing_a_career/
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Smoking

I saw a woman smoking with her baby in the car and it made me feel disgusted with the world we live in.
Who lets a woman drive?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fzrz7/smoking/
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I read the news and it says that the student debt of the US has surpassed $1.8 trillion

I said "Damn only 3 students owe money"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fzqf7/i_read_the_news_and_it_says_that_the_student_debt/
%
Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fzq6q/did_you_hear_about_the_depressed_plumber/
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What’s the difference between my girlfriend and a freezer?

My freezer can’t complain when I put my meat in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fzou6/whats_the_difference_between_my_girlfriend_and_a/
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If anyone asks you to spell a part backwards dont

It’s a trap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fzogo/if_anyone_asks_you_to_spell_a_part_backwards_dont/
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I have never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fzmxx/i_have_never_understood_why_women_love_cats/
%
Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition.

However, upon arrival he realised he seriously misunderstood the objective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fzmog/frankenstein_enters_a_bodybuilding_competition/
%
So a blonde wants to buy a new tv

So she gets to the store and picks the tv she likes but then a member of staff stops her and says: "sorry we dont sell to blondes", more confused than offended she walks out the store.
When she got home she thought of a plan that will allow her to buy a tv: to dye her hair black.
So the next morning she comes back to the store, this time with black hair. When she asks for the model she wants another member of stafg tells her: "sorry we dont sell to blondes" the blonde was confused but realized she probably had a bit of hair she missed.
The blonde really wanted that tv so when she comes home she goes and buys a super expensive ginger wig, she makes sure theres no way to tell she is blonde, and the next morning she goes back to the store.
When she gets to the store ahe picks her tv, this time fully confident that she will buy it. When she picks her tv the staff member tells her again "sorry we dont sell to blondes". Utterly shocked she asks him: "how did you know i was blonde each time i was here?"
"Only a blonde would pick a microwave as her favorite tv"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fzk7z/so_a_blonde_wants_to_buy_a_new_tv/
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Thank you student loans for helping me get through college...

I don't think I can ever repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fzc4q/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/
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A wife is unsatisfied with her love life [long][nsfw]

So she goes to a doctor to see if they can help. The doctor suggests a few things but they don't make a difference. Still frustrated and on the advice of her friend, she decides to consult a herbalist in Chinatown. The herbalist gives her some herbal pills and advises her to put 1 in her husband's afternoon tea and she'll have a dramatic result. Skeptical, she decides to try it and puts one of the pills in her husband's drink that night. The effect is almost immediate and she has the best sex of her life. A couple days go by and, she decides to try putting a couple more in his tea. Again the effect is almost immediate and the sex is even better so, the third time she decides to put in the rest of the bottle. The herbalist, being very invested in his patients, decides to check up on the couple a week later after not hearing back from the wife. When he knocks on the door, the couple's son answers the door. "Hello, is your mother home?" He asks her son. "No" the son replies. "Well is your dad home?" The herbalist inquires. "Look I don't know who you are but, mom's dead, sister is pregnant, and dad keeps walking around the house saying 'here kitty, kitty, kitty'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fz9vi/a_wife_is_unsatisfied_with_her_love_life_longnsfw/
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I can’t stand stuck up bodies of water

It’s like get over yourself, Lake Superior

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fz9ug/i_cant_stand_stuck_up_bodies_of_water/
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My gfriend left me recently.

It has been really tough. We tried to be friends but ultimately just decided to stay cousins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fz0fg/my_gfriend_left_me_recently/
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I don’t get why so many people want to date a Kardashian

If I wanted to date a plastic chick I’d get a sex doll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fyyxp/i_dont_get_why_so_many_people_want_to_date_a/
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Hey girl, are you a sentence?

Because you're looking like a complete thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fyxv0/hey_girl_are_you_a_sentence/
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Christmas Break

There are 2 boys. Timmy and Bill. They just got back from Christmas break. The first boy, Timmy, says to Bill, “I had the best Christmas ever! I got a new bike, new shoes, and a PS4 with all my favorite games on it. What’d you get Bill?” He says, “I only got a sweater.” The first boy asks, “Why?” Bill answers, “Its because I don’t have cancer, Timothy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fyxl4/christmas_break/
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How do you get a 100 Pikachus on a bus?

You pokemon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fyuob/how_do_you_get_a_100_pikachus_on_a_bus/
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What are strange doughnuts made out of?

Weird doughs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fyub1/what_are_strange_doughnuts_made_out_of/
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A house goes to the doctor and the doctor says “I’m sorry...”

“But you have shingles.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fyu6s/a_house_goes_to_the_doctor_and_the_doctor_says_im/
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How do you know if a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fytu4/how_do_you_know_if_a_politician_is_lying/
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Years ago I was dating this girl that had a twin...

People would ask how I could tell them apart, well, Wendy painted her nails pink, and William had a dick!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fyszn/years_ago_i_was_dating_this_girl_that_had_a_twin/
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Whats the most expensive haircut?

***Chemotherapy***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fyswg/whats_the_most_expensive_haircut/
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I love Necrophiles so much...

I would honestly die for them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fynqe/i_love_necrophiles_so_much/
%
Mickey Mouses lawyer asks "you're divorcing Minnie because shes crazy?"

"No! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fyg4b/mickey_mouses_lawyer_asks_youre_divorcing_minnie/
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What do eating pussy and being in rhe mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fyd95/what_do_eating_pussy_and_being_in_rhe_mafia_have/
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My aussie friend was clearly impressed with me..

When i spotted him amongst the dense crowd of people.
Without skipping a beat, first thing he said to me was, “good eye mike!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fy8z7/my_aussie_friend_was_clearly_impressed_with_me/
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I was hungry and low on potassium, He needed a device to help him weigh things, it seemed like a fair trade...

Banana for scale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fy7qt/i_was_hungry_and_low_on_potassium_he_needed_a/
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What do you call a lime that opens doors?

A Key Lime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fy59x/what_do_you_call_a_lime_that_opens_doors/
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Why is it hard to find jews?

They are behind everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fy2to/why_is_it_hard_to_find_jews/
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What do you call a potato that uploads videos?

A you-tuber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fy25a/what_do_you_call_a_potato_that_uploads_videos/
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A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fy1vl/a_private_goes_awol_from_the_army_to_follow_his/
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Whats the capital of Greece

About 5 euros or less

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fy1uj/whats_the_capital_of_greece/
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Communism is like a deadbeat dad.

No matter how much it could potentially do, it never works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fxzrt/communism_is_like_a_deadbeat_dad/
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What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxi cabs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fxxrf/whats_worse_than_raining_cats_and_dogs/
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You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave

and then enter your pin number...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fxuux/you_know_youre_drunk_when_you_get_home_put_food/
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I once was addicted to the hokey pokey...

Then I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fxq7k/i_once_was_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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Why don’t blind people like skydiving?

It scares their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fxotj/why_dont_blind_people_like_skydiving/
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Police Recruit

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said: "Call for backup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fxlhx/police_recruit/
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An old Jewish man lays on his deathbed...

“Is my wife here?” he asks.
“Yes, dear, I’m right here.” she answers.
“Are my children here?” he asks.
“Yes, papa, we’re here.” they answer.
“Are my grandchildren here?” he asks.
“Yes, zayde, we’re all here.” many small voices answer.
“Then why is the light on in the kitchen?” he asks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fxhlm/an_old_jewish_man_lays_on_his_deathbed/
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The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant doesn’t answer. The Godfather asks again, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”
The Godfather says, “Well, ask him where the FUCKING money is!!!!” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where the FUCKING money is!!!!”
The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!” The accountant signs back, “Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!” The Godfather says, “Well, what did he say?” The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fx669/the_godfather_accompanied_by_his_attorney_walks/
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What do you call a person who took 30 grams of acid?

An ambulance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fwx5t/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_took_30_grams_of/
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A jewish father was on his death bed with his family around him...

He whispered
"son, come close"
And his son leaned forward so he's inches away from his father. The father grabs a watch from his night stand, a very fancy one, and whispers
"son, this watch has been worn by multiple generations, your great grandfather, your grandfather, and me."
The son with tears on his face says
"Yes father, what about it"
And his father, with his last breaths says:
"We'll, son... Wanna buy it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fwtaf/a_jewish_father_was_on_his_death_bed_with_his/
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What do you call someone with no body or nose?

Nobody nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fwr5u/what_do_you_call_someone_with_no_body_or_nose/
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A Jew and his son enter a taxi in New York

“How much to Washington?” asks the Jew.
“For that distance, it’ll be about $500,” replies the driver.
“Could you drive me for free?” asks the Jew.
The driver ponders this.
“Fine, but you can’t say a word while I’m driving.”
So they leave New York and go towards Washington. The whole time the taxi driver is running red lights and stop signs and going 120mph into the curves on the highway. Finally, they arrive at their destination.
“I’m truly surprised you made it without saying a word,” says the driver to the Jew. “but tell me... what part of the ride was the hardest?”
“Well, when my son fell out while you were turning.”
(Serbian joke adapted into English so might be a bit weird)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fwmt4/a_jew_and_his_son_enter_a_taxi_in_new_york/
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Why didn't the Mexican archer fire his bow?

He didn't habenARROW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fwihx/why_didnt_the_mexican_archer_fire_his_bow/
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Said Moses after smashing the Ten Commandments:

“It’s okay, I have a backup in the cloud.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fwgd8/said_moses_after_smashing_the_ten_commandments/
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What is Whitney Houston's best coordination????

hannnnnnnnd eyyyyyeeee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fwfah/what_is_whitney_houstons_best_coordination/
%
What's the difference between XXXTentacion and a train?

A train is missed when it's gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fwc9o/whats_the_difference_between_xxxtentacion_and_a/
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A man is caught cheating in a Limbo tournament.

The organizer, hurt and dissapointed, asks him: "How low can you go?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fwc19/a_man_is_caught_cheating_in_a_limbo_tournament/
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What’s a mathematician’s favorite way to communicate?

Sine language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fw9v0/whats_a_mathematicians_favorite_way_to_communicate/
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Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fw8w0/everyone_tells_you_that_smoking_will_kill_you/
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Because I still have my intelligence

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied: '**Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.**'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fw77e/because_i_still_have_my_intelligence/
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Offensive warning.

Why are women like car parking spaces?
Because all the good ones are taken so sometimes you have to stick it in a disabled one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fw4tf/offensive_warning/
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The sex addicted rooster

A farmer bought a rooster one day, and the man that he bought it from said,
“sir I must warn you. This thing loves sex.”
The farmer thought, yeah whatever. He took the rooster out to the coop and went inside to get some sleep.
The next morning, to the farmer’s surprise, all of the hens in the coop had laid TONS of eggs. It also appeared that the few peacocks on his farm had been impregnated. Even the emus seemed to had taken some action from the rooster.
The farmer looked all over for the rooster but it couldn’t be found anywhere. He noticed some vultures circling an area about 500 feet from his yard. He went to see what they were circling.
Sure enough, he found the rooster dead on the ground beneath the vultures. “Dammit,” said the farmer. “Why’d you have to f*** your brains out?”
“Shhh,” said the rooster, pointing up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fw2fl/the_sex_addicted_rooster/
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There was a man named Odd.

There was a man whose name was Odd. He wasn't sure why his parents had given him that name but it had caused him problems all his life and he never liked it. As he grew older he grew to like his name even less and one day he was sitting talking with his wife and said "Honey you know that I have never liked being named Odd?"
"Yes", she replied, "I've seen how you've hated your name over the years."
"Well I want you to do me a favor." he told her. "I've had to deal with this name all my life and out of respect for my parents I never changed it but I'll be darned if I'm going to have this name when I die. When my day comes and you bury me just don't put anything on my headstone. Leave it blank."
His wife agreed and they went about their lives for several more years before the man finally passed away. The wife honored his request and had a blank headstone placed on his grave.
To this day people who visit the cemetery look over at the blank headstone and say "That's Odd".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fvxi9/there_was_a_man_named_odd/
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Congrats Mac Miller!

1 week sober!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fvu7v/congrats_mac_miller/
%
Men do not jerk off because it is easy,

But because it is hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fvs2t/men_do_not_jerk_off_because_it_is_easy/
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Tampax has been protecting women for 80 years.

That's quite a long period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fvrzw/tampax_has_been_protecting_women_for_80_years/
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My mother learns a lot from me...

You know how the saying goes. You learn from your mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fvq7a/my_mother_learns_a_lot_from_me/
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fvou6/what_lies_at_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_and_twitches/
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I did the math on Hurricane Florence rain fall...

There is predicted to be 17 Trillion gallons of rain falling from Florence.
The width of a milk jug is 5.5"
Rain x Width = 93 Trillion inches
93 Trillion divided by 12 gets you 7,791,666,666,666 Feet
Divided by 5280
1,475,694,444 Miles
Divided by 93,000,000 miles to get Astronomical Units
You get 15.8 AU's.
You're so fat, that even though Florence is dropping 17 trillion gallons of rain, It's still not enough to get to Uranus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fvna4/i_did_the_math_on_hurricane_florence_rain_fall/
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I'm 31 and my girlfriend is 19. People make bad comments about it all the time and this is crazy

Btw we are celebrating our 10th anniversary next week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fvlmo/im_31_and_my_girlfriend_is_19_people_make_bad/
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A conversation between a man and a woman

Conversation between a man and a woman. She asks him 5 or 6 questions that he answers quickly and easily. She, however, will remain silent after answering a question asked by the man:
- woman: "Do you drink beer?"
- man: "Yes"
- Woman: "How many beers do you drink a day?"
- man: "Tre"
- woman: "How much do you pay for each?"
- man: "€ 5, tip included"
- woman: "How long have you been drinking?"
- man: "Ehm ... more or less for 25 years"
- Woman: "So, if each beer costs you € 5, and you drink 3 a day, it means you spend € 450 a month, which is about € 5,400 in a year.
- man: "Right"
-Women: "If you spend € 5,400 in a year, without considering inflation, you have spent € 135,000 over the last 25 years.
- man: "Right"
- Woman: "You are aware of the fact that if you did not drink beer, that money could have made you profit, maybe in some bank that would generate interest, and after accounting for the compound interest of the last 25 years, you could even buy a plane?
- man: "Do you drink beer?"
- woman: "No"
- man: "Where is your plane?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fvll5/a_conversation_between_a_man_and_a_woman/
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Add a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.
“No, I always give 110%”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fvjcj/add_a_job_interview_i_filled_my_glass_of_water/
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Did you hear that "I before E except after C" rule is obsolete?

It's been proven wrong by science.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fveui/did_you_hear_that_i_before_e_except_after_c_rule/
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I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can tell when they’re standing too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fvepw/i_can_always_tell_when_someone_is_lying_just_by/
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Just saw two deaf girls fighting...

One of them was like "Bitch, keep my name out of your hands". Smh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fv9y6/just_saw_two_deaf_girls_fighting/
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What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fv8fv/what_do_you_call_a_witch_that_only_eats_sand/
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Just watched my wedding video backwards

Loved the part where my bride to be moonwalked out of the church, got into a car and fucked off out of my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fv6bf/just_watched_my_wedding_video_backwards/
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I once tried to pay for something with an 18-year-old piece of chicken.

When the cashier said, "sir, we can't accept this",
I said, "why? It's legal tender."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fuz55/i_once_tried_to_pay_for_something_with_an/
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Why was He so excited?

Because they finally dropped his charges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fuyat/why_was_he_so_excited/
%
If you're ever attacked by a mob of clowns

go for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fuxg7/if_youre_ever_attacked_by_a_mob_of_clowns/
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An Ancient Greek Hero

Have you guys heard of the ancient Greek hero, Bophades? He was a lot like Achilles - he had just one weakness. Except instead of his heel, it was his groin. You may have have heard of “Achilles’ heel”, but have you heard of “Bophades’ Nuts”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9funv6/an_ancient_greek_hero/
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A ten-year-old boy was failing math

.His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinnertable and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?," the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fug6q/a_tenyearold_boy_was_failing_math/
%
I put my backup cheese grater in a glass box.

I'll break the glass in Queso-mergency

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fudjg/i_put_my_backup_cheese_grater_in_a_glass_box/
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I am driving through England, and I’m supposed to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fucc9/i_am_driving_through_england_and_im_supposed_to/
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On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.
When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.
And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.
I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fubho/on_his_death_bed_an_old_jew_says_to_his_wife/
%
I told my coworker that Florence is tremendously big and tremendously wet

He demanded I stop sleeping with his wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fu9lm/i_told_my_coworker_that_florence_is_tremendously/
%
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. There are no lightbulbs on glass ceilings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fu8og/how_many_women_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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He didn't believe me

One time, I had to go to the hospital because I had been constipated for days. As I was laying in the hospital bed, the doctor came in to see me.
He asked, "How do you feel?"
I replied, "Actually doctor, I feel really great!"
He responded, "You're so full of shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fu8eb/he_didnt_believe_me/
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Jamal and jimmy

A white boy, jimmy, and a black boy, jamal, are in the same kindergarten class. One day the teacher asks them to recite the alphabet. Jimmy goes first and gets through it perfectly. Jamal goes next, gets to h, stumbles and can't finish. That night, Jamal asks his mom why jimmy could recite the abc's and he couldn't. His mom responds with "that's because jimmy is white and you are black." The next day, the teacher asks them to count to 10. Jimmy again goes first and gets through it perfectly. Jamal goes second, gets to 4, stumbles and can't finish. That night, Jamal asks his mom why jimmy could count to 10 and he couldn't. His moms response was the same, " because he is white and you are black." The next day, while in the bathroom, Jamal catches a glimpse of Jimmy's penis. That night he asks his mother, "today I was in the bathroom and saw Jimmy's penis and mine was much bigger than his. Is that because I'm black and he's white?" Jamal's mother responds with, "no Jamal, that's because you are 18 and he is 5."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fu7lx/jamal_and_jimmy/
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What do you get when you mix LSD and a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fu7m2/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_lsd_and_a_birth/
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There’s only one thing I hate about Halloween

Which is...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fu7k3/theres_only_one_thing_i_hate_about_halloween/
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Two knights were fighting and one landed a cutting blow to the ankles.

The opposing knight was defeeted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fu0wo/two_knights_were_fighting_and_one_landed_a/
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Raider Hater

A little girl has her first day in a new school after moving from San Francisco to Los Angeles.
The teacher asks the class “How many of you are Charger fans?”
The whole class raises their hands except for the little girl.
Teacher asks “What is your favorite team?”
“The Niners” the little says.
Teacher wants to joke with the little girl so she asks “Why is that?”
“My mom is a Niner fan my father is a Niner fan, so I am a Niner fan” says the girl.
“Well you should be a Charger fan now that you live in L.A.” says the teacher.
“Nope… My mom is a Niner fan my father is a Niner fan, so I am a Niner fan” the little girl fires back.
The class starts to boo her and the teacher says “Well you see now that you are in L.A. you should be a Chargers fan”
Now the little girl is angry and shouts back at the teacher, “My mom is a Niner fan my father is a Niner fan, so I am a Niner fan!” and then just glares at the teacher with a huge scowl.
The teacher becomes frustrated and says “Well little girl do you ALWAYS do what your Mom and Dad do? Let me ask you this if your Dad was a criminal and your mom was a prostitute what would you be then?”
Little girl replies “Then I would be a Raiders Fan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ftysq/raider_hater/
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What do cannibals eat for relaxation?

A piece of mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ftyar/what_do_cannibals_eat_for_relaxation/
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What happens when you snort 12 lines of cocaine in Mexico?

You over Doce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ftw6d/what_happens_when_you_snort_12_lines_of_cocaine/
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If one's wealth was determined by how closely one follows a moral code

Evangelicals would finally be as poor as Jesus wants them to be

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ftuqt/if_ones_wealth_was_determined_by_how_closely_one/
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If I had a dollar every time I read a repost on r/jokes....

I would be making money in a very unusual way.
RIP Mitch Hedberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ftpw9/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_i_read_a_repost_on/
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People in the office always complain about the a/c being too strong

but I'm totally cool with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ftnok/people_in_the_office_always_complain_about_the_ac/
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What did the Superhero wear to Court?

His Class Action Suit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ftiqa/what_did_the_superhero_wear_to_court/
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A blonde and a brunette are talking about their boyfriends’ dandruff problems

The brunette says, “my boyfriend used to have dandruff, but I gave him Head and Shoulders and it went away in a few days”
The blonde thinks for a minute and then replies, “how do you give shoulders?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ftd6x/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_talking_about_their/
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Did you know that r/Jokes is the most environmentally-friendly subreddit?

It boasts a 99% recycling rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ftcg4/did_you_know_that_rjokes_is_the_most/
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I said, "When I donate blood, the nurse extracts it out for me."

The receptionist said: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank & here it doesn't work that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ftby8/i_said_when_i_donate_blood_the_nurse_extracts_it/
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What do you call a Nazi that always accidentally hits the caps lock key instead of the "a" key?

SS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ftatj/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_that_always_accidentally/
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What did the Witch say when the Broom Salesman showed her a Vacuum?

I don't want an automatic! I want a Stickshift!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ft8ss/what_did_the_witch_say_when_the_broom_salesman/
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Just ordered a new cologne and it smells like weed, money and a hint of regret.

It’s called Elon Musk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ft8ez/just_ordered_a_new_cologne_and_it_smells_like/
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It was the happiest day of my life.

Arrived at church.
wife waiting at altar.
Walked up the aisle.
Kissed her on the cheek,
smiled and closed the fucking lid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ft60h/it_was_the_happiest_day_of_my_life/
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Two prisoners are talking in a Soviet gulag.

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or a common crime?"
"Of course it was political." says the second prisoner, "I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ft5c0/two_prisoners_are_talking_in_a_soviet_gulag/
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Kevin dies and goes to heaven...

He gets in line and sees Saint Peter asking everyone a question before they head past the pearly gates. As he's third in line, he overhears Peter ask the guy in front, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man looks down and replies, "Well, I did have two affairs". Peter nods and hands him car keys. "That's ok, son. Here's the keys to your Ford Focus". Next, Peter asks the guy second in line, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man sighs and exclaims, "Well...no. I cheated on my wife once. But I sincerely regret it!". Peter says, "I understand" and hands him a different set of keys. "Here's the keys to your BMW". The man grabs the keys and walks past the gates. Finally Kevin is up and Peter asks him the same question. "I sure was! 50 years of marriage and I was faithful for every one of them!", said Kevin excitedly. Peter smiles approvingly and says "Wonderful! Here's the keys to your Ferrari". Kevin cheers as he takes the keys and goes into heaven. One day, all three men are sitting at an intersection and the men in the Focus and BMW look over at Kevin crying profusely in his car. The guy in the Focus asks, "Why are you crying? You have the best ride in here". Kevin looks over and says, "I just passed my wife. She had a skateboard".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ft5ax/kevin_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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WHAT DO WE WANT? PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Well, we're sure you're really busy with all of your important things.
So, we'll just have to wait, until you feel that we've waited long enough, and maybe then, you'll be able to find some time for others.
It's fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ft4pn/what_do_we_want_passiveaggressive_behavior/
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Terrorists have taken over the local courthouse.

They are threatening to release a lawyer every 15 minutes unless their demands are met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ft2ws/terrorists_have_taken_over_the_local_courthouse/
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A hurricane walks into a bar

The owner doesn’t have insurance so his life is pretty much ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ft0zb/a_hurricane_walks_into_a_bar/
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During a nationwide blonde convention...

A blonde convention was being held at the City Square. A blonde representative screamed out loud, "We shall show them that we are blonde, and WE ARE NOT DUMB!" She was greeted with a roar of applause.
After two hours of cheering, speeches and demonstrations, the blonde leader called forward a blonde teenager on stage and said, "To prove the world that we aren't stupid, I have called a student of math and we shall test her with some problems." She asked, "What is 34 times 26?"
The girl thought for a while and said, "1224?"
The politician was dismayed and said that it was incorrect. However the crowd started chanting, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader spoke out, "Okay! We shall give her something slightly easier. Tell me, What is 256 + 439?"
"605!", the girl cried.
It was wrong again. The leader was abashed and the people again asked her to be given another chance.
"All right! Let me ask something even more simpler. Girl! What's 10 times 11??"
"110?", the girl said meekly.
The whole crowd fell silent. The silence ensued for a while which was soon broken with calls of "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fsxf9/during_a_nationwide_blonde_convention/
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A programmer's wife tells him to buy a loaf of bread, she also said that if there are eggs, get a dozen

The programmer returns home with 12 loaves of bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fswvd/a_programmers_wife_tells_him_to_buy_a_loaf_of/
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Two out of eleven jokes about religion are discriminatory towards Jews...

...the other 9/11, towards Muslims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fsunt/two_out_of_eleven_jokes_about_religion_are/
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Psychiatrist office: “My sister treats me like Lucy treats Linus.”

The psychiatrist thinks for a moment and says, “Sounds like you have analogy to Peanuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fsuc0/psychiatrist_office_my_sister_treats_me_like_lucy/
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What do cannibals use to freshen their breath?

Men toes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fssoi/what_do_cannibals_use_to_freshen_their_breath/
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Drinking bud-light is like having sex in a canoe.

It's fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fssh0/drinking_budlight_is_like_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
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It's not everyday you can get a haircut and a hand job at the same time.

Then again, not everyone cuts their own hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fsq77/its_not_everyday_you_can_get_a_haircut_and_a_hand/
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Dora would hate Tinder

...lots of swiping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fsmpn/dora_would_hate_tinder/
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My dick was in the Guiness Book of World Records

Until some librarian told me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fslp6/my_dick_was_in_the_guiness_book_of_world_records/
%
A husband's wife is going into labour, so he decides to call 911...

Operator: 911 what's your emergency?
Responder: My wife's going into labour, I don't know what to do.
Operator: Is this her first born?
Responder: No this is her husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fsl9k/a_husbands_wife_is_going_into_labour_so_he/
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Ladies Bar

A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair (given that you are blind) that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fsj63/ladies_bar/
%
A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fsg7h/a_boy_and_his_dad_are_talking/
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I don't like it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God...

I mean, he's great and good and all that, but he's no Freddie Mercury.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fsdqm/i_dont_like_it_when_people_compare_freddie/
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My grandfather used to earn a living as a contortionist

But lately he's struggling to make ends meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fs5mr/my_grandfather_used_to_earn_a_living_as_a/
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Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.

"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fs50b/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married_at_the/
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A young lawyer died and stood before the gates of Heaven.

Lawyer: "St. Peter, what happened? I was as healthy as an ox, and I'd barely passed my 48th birthday!"
St. Peter: "48? According to your billable hours you were 172."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fs4yj/a_young_lawyer_died_and_stood_before_the_gates_of/
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A few Americans got sick after they couldn’t hold their liquor in Germany...

One said to the other “man, Oktoberfest really brat out the wurst in us!”
Thanks u/prisonmikeymay for the suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fs4pf/a_few_americans_got_sick_after_they_couldnt_hold/
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A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

.  They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.
The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself, and then returns to his putt.
After the hole, the young guy says "I'm impressed with your show of respect for the deceased."
Old guy says "Well, we were married for 42 years... Least I could do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fs4lg/a_young_guy_gets_paired_with_an_elderly_stranger/
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The Consultant

A timeless lesson on how Consultants can make a difference.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Kurt Salmon Associates to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fs4hw/the_consultant/
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Mathematical joke

The cruise ship is 600 ft long, 150 ft wide, and 140 ft high, but only 110 ft above water.
It has 18 decks, and can accommodate 5860 passengers, holds a crew of 1800 personnel.
There are 18 lifeboats, each can take 150 passengers in case of emergency, also 20 inflatable rafts with maximum capacity of 120 per raft.
Question : Who fucks the captain of the ship?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fs4bl/mathematical_joke/
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Why a man should always choose a dog over a wife

No man should ever choose a woman when he can get himself a dog.
Want proof?
Next time they misbehave put your dog and your woman in the garage for and hour and lock the door. Which one is happy to see you when you come back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fryli/why_a_man_should_always_choose_a_dog_over_a_wife/
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fru7b/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
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A Chinese couple get married

The young bride is a virgin and on the wedding night cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. " My darling, I know this is your first time and you are frightened ... I promise you, I will do anything you want. What do you want?"
She smiles coyly and says, " I want number 69."
"Now?? You want beef and broccoli now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9frqqt/a_chinese_couple_get_married/
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What does iPhone Xr stand for?

eXpensive and Ridiculous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9frpyv/what_does_iphone_xr_stand_for/
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The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

"How is she?" I asked.
"Very critical," replied the officer.
"What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9frotv/the_police_phoned_me_to_tell_me_my_wife_was_in/
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No matter how kind you are

German kids are kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9frood/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
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I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

The ungrateful bitch spat it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9frnrb/i_gave_my_girlfriend_an_orgasm_last_night/
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The salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Kid says, "One."
Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
Kid says "$201,237.64.“
Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"
Kid says, "Well there was this nice gentlemen that came in. First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a Jeep."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and Jeep?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9frn6q/the_salesman/
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Because the Hurricane Made Landfall at Night...

...does that make it Florence Night-in Gale?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9frlp6/because_the_hurricane_made_landfall_at_night/
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Two Americans decide to open a bunjee-jumping business in Mexico.

They set up in the middle of a small village where they gather all the locals to preform a demonstration. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.
Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy crap, what happened? Was the cord too long?"
Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the fuck is a piñata?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9frlfa/two_americans_decide_to_open_a_bunjeejumping/
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Two Blondes leave a bar and realize they’ve locked their keys in the car.

After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other “I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I’ll run inside and see if they have one!”
The other blonde says “Ok, well hurry because it looks like it’s going to rain and the top is down!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9friot/two_blondes_leave_a_bar_and_realize_theyve_locked/
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What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9frhmi/whats_the_difference_between_bird_flu_and_swine/
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart.  "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.  "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife.  They carry on with their shopping.  A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.  "It's my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful", replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9frdrz/a_husband_and_wife_are_shopping_in_their_local/
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How do you spot a blind guy on a nudist beach?

It's not hard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9frccp/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_guy_on_a_nudist_beach/
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What did the water say after the HCl attacked the NaOH?

That’s assault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fr914/what_did_the_water_say_after_the_hcl_attacked_the/
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How did I get a date with a blind girl?

Well, it was easy, she wasn't seeing anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fr8ah/how_did_i_get_a_date_with_a_blind_girl/
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Why are receptionists perverted?

Because they're always checking people out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fr6d0/why_are_receptionists_perverted/
%
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.

Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I'm so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really loved that hat.  I knew that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take his hat off during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the Church; so I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
Noticing that Murphy hadn't taken the hat, the priest asked, "What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said: "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt not Steal', you decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in hell right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fr1h2/murphy_showed_up_at_mass_one_sunday_and_the/
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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fr0s2/i_tried_to_submit_a_patent_for_a_goldplated/
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Ghandi never wore shoes...

...so he had thick skin on his feet. He was quite a weak man, though spiritual. And because of his poor diet, he often had bad breath.
You could say he was a super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed with halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fqzi7/ghandi_never_wore_shoes/
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Albert Einstein may have been a genius

But his brother Frank was a monster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fqz3e/albert_einstein_may_have_been_a_genius/
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BLACK SUPERMAN

I hope they cast a black Superman. It would nice for a brother to finally be faster than a speeding bullet.
Credits:Someones Tweet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fqx7h/black_superman/
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What’s a woman’s favorite sport?

Jumping to conclusions!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fqwo3/whats_a_womans_favorite_sport/
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My psychiatrist told me that I should stop worrying and start enjoying little things in my life.

Now I play with my dick everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fqu3x/my_psychiatrist_told_me_that_i_should_stop/
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Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles, he had only one weakness, but instead of his heel, it was his groin. You may have heard of Achilles’ heel but have you heard of Bophades’ nuts?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fqnia/have_you_heard_of_the_ancient_greek_hero_bophades/
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A robot walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve robots."

The robot replies, "Oh, but someday you will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fqlcx/a_robot_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_says_we/
%
What was Voldemort after he lost some of his tongue?

A partial tongue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fqetl/what_was_voldemort_after_he_lost_some_of_his/
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A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fqdph/a_blonde_is_overweight_so_her_doctor_puts_her_on/
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I was in KFC with my bro when the lights went out...

I told him that the circuits were fried

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fq87u/i_was_in_kfc_with_my_bro_when_the_lights_went_out/
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What do incels use for contraception?

Their personalities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fq7es/what_do_incels_use_for_contraception/
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Why does Irish Bean soup only have 239 beans in it?

One more and it’d be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fq4kz/why_does_irish_bean_soup_only_have_239_beans_in_it/
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How is a grenade like marriage?

Pull the ring and your house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fq47x/how_is_a_grenade_like_marriage/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

Lies awake at night, wondering if there is a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fq3nb/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
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What would be the best time to masturbate?

6:30, when both hands are down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fq0r7/what_would_be_the_best_time_to_masturbate/
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What concert costs only 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fpzgg/what_concert_costs_only_45_cents/
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Old couple

have been married for over 50 years. The wife dies in her sleep, they come to take away the body. As they are carrying her downstairs, her head hits the wall and she suddenly comes back to life. About a year later, she dies in her sleep. As they are carrying her downstairs, the old man says 'Mind the head, please'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fpz39/old_couple/
%
Why do foot fetishists never win?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fpwow/why_do_foot_fetishists_never_win/
%
Trump rally...

Tomorrow at 8 am on the beach at Wilmington North Carolina. Spread the word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fppbz/trump_rally/
%
Why did the mirror's parents dislike it misbehaving?

They were concerned about how it would reflect on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fpl2n/why_did_the_mirrors_parents_dislike_it_misbehaving/
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Why is 6 afraid of pi?

Most say it’s an irrational fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fpizb/why_is_6_afraid_of_pi/
%
When is the worst time to get pregnant?

When youre in a coma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fpib2/when_is_the_worst_time_to_get_pregnant/
%
A cannibal walked into a restaurant

He ordered one of everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fpemu/a_cannibal_walked_into_a_restaurant/
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Two packets of crisps are strolling down the street when a car pulls alongside them...

The driver asks if they would like a lift.
The crisps say, "No thanks, we're Walkers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fpb81/two_packets_of_crisps_are_strolling_down_the/
%
What do you call a deaf dog?

Anything you want, but he's not coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fp9f5/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_dog/
%
Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?

So she could moan with the other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fp1ff/why_did_helen_keller_only_masturbate_with_one_hand/
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I never understood the concept of lunch money

It doesn't taste any different than regular money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fp0me/i_never_understood_the_concept_of_lunch_money/
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Never hire a Himalayan contractor to work on your house...

I did, and I came home to Himalayan with my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fowv6/never_hire_a_himalayan_contractor_to_work_on_your/
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{Long} The Red Indian chief

just died right before the winter, after ruling for 40 years. His son became the new chief. According to the tradition, to prove his worth as the leader, he has to correctly speculate how cold would be the winter this year. With his guidance, people will gather right amount of wood for the whole winter season before it starts. So, in the morning, without knowing what to say, the new chief told everybody that there would be somewhat moderate cold this year, so they don't need a lot of wood. Everyone from the village went to the forest to chop the trees and gather wood. However, the new chief became really nervous about what he said. So he sneaked into the nearest town and bought a small radio to get the local weather forecast. That night, tuning the radio, he heard that the weather guy is saying, this year the winter will be cold and asking everyone to get prepared for it. Hearing this, the new chief decided to gather some more wood, just to be in the safe side. The next day, he gathered everyone and told them to gather some more, as the winter would be colder than he anticipated earlier. That night, he again turned on the radio and to his dismay, he found out that now the radio is saying this season will be much colder. So, the next day he asked everyone to chop some more. Again, at night he found out with sheer frustration that the radio is saying, this year the temperature would reach the lowest among the last few years. So, he told his people to get more wood. This time, he found that the radio is saying, this year the temperature would reach such low that it would break any previous record. Hearing this, he went berserk and stormed to the radio office, and asked the weather guy, what is your problem? Why are you changing the forecast every single day? The weather guy replied, okay, we actually guess the severity of the winter from the amount of wood the Red Indians gather. This year, they started nice and slow and we broadcasted that it would be a moderate winter, then they increased speed and we assumed it would be a little more cold; but now, now they are cutting down the whole forest!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fouui/long_the_red_indian_chief/
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What is the difference between a 'pro,' and a 'con?'

I wouldn't pay a constitute to piss on me.
How do we know these words are opposites?
They are derived from progress and congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fosy8/what_is_the_difference_between_a_pro_and_a_con/
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A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a whiskey...... and a cola"

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.  The bear shrugs "I'm not sure, I was born with them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fos37/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_give_me_a/
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On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven."

Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an
orphanage!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9foply/on_her_deathbed_my_wife_said_sweety_i_will_see/
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A lion and a tiger make a liger, a whale and dolphin a wolphin, a squid and octopus a scquoctopus. What would a five-year old and a horse be?

Definitely illegal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9foosw/a_lion_and_a_tiger_make_a_liger_a_whale_and/
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Did you guys hear that Nicolas Cage robbed all the coins from a bank recently? Luckily he got caught and went to jail, plus all of the money got returned!

He’s currently in a Nickleless Nicolas Cage Cage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fom8u/did_you_guys_hear_that_nicolas_cage_robbed_all/
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar...

“I’m sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fol4k/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two construction workers are working on a street

The first worker turns to the second and says,
“ I don’t want to work anymore, I will act crazy so the manager sends me home early”.
He then proceeds to tie himself by the feet and swings around shouting,
“ Im a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”
Sure enough, the manager tells him to go home.
The second worker, seeing the success his friend had, decided to start packing up his things.
The manager asks, “What are you doing? The work isn’t finished yet!”
To which the second worker responds,
“How am I supposed to see without a lightbulb?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fokbt/two_construction_workers_are_working_on_a_street/
%
What do you call a kid from Belgium?

A Brussel sprout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fojso/what_do_you_call_a_kid_from_belgium/
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Who's bigger: Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby?

Mr. Bigger's baby's a little bigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fohxl/whos_bigger_mr_bigger_or_mr_biggers_baby/
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LEGIT :)

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.” Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fohal/legit/
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I hate watching Showtime because they are always showing commercials for their own shows.

It’s just Shameless plug after Shameless plug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9foh0q/i_hate_watching_showtime_because_they_are_always/
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My dick was in the Guiness Book of World Records

Until the librarian told me to take it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fof7k/my_dick_was_in_the_guiness_book_of_world_records/
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Why don't rabbits make noises when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9foeya/why_dont_rabbits_make_noises_when_they_have_sex/
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5 gay guys are sitting in a hot tub

, when some semen floats up to the top. All of them look at each other, and ask "who farted?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9foexa/5_gay_guys_are_sitting_in_a_hot_tub/
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Why can’t 4 reach 6?

Cause of the High Five.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fod42/why_cant_4_reach_6/
%
I never got why people love the sunrise so much.

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fo78u/i_never_got_why_people_love_the_sunrise_so_much/
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I'm a narcoleptic Green Day fanatic,

Wake me up when September ends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fo6eb/im_a_narcoleptic_green_day_fanatic/
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What do you call a sick flamingo?

A phlegmingo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fo69p/what_do_you_call_a_sick_flamingo/
%
What do you call a person who hurts instruments?

A sax offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fo5bg/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_hurts_instruments/
%
What thunk the unthinkable

An itheburg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fo21w/what_thunk_the_unthinkable/
%
What's black and white and red all over?

A White Stripes album cover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fo07v/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
%
How is God just like every other man?

If you're not on your knees, he's not interested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fnvna/how_is_god_just_like_every_other_man/
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The world champion in ventriloquism was murdered yesterday.

His scream was heard a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fnv4v/the_world_champion_in_ventriloquism_was_murdered/
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Three guys stand outside a whorehouse, trying to build nerve to go inside.

They agreed to go inside under the condition each would share his experience afterward.
Thirty minutes later, they gather again out front. The first guy says, "It was so great! She dribbled honey all over my little thingy and licked it off!"
The second guy said, "It was so great! She dribbled honey all over my little thingy and added chocolate syrup, and licked it off".
The third guy just cried and said, "I'm not talking.".
The other two guys reminded him of their agreement.
Finally, through his tears, he said,"She dribbled honey all over my little thingy and added chocolate syrup and put a cherry on top.
It looked so good, i ate it myself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fnu14/three_guys_stand_outside_a_whorehouse_trying_to/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fnpxy/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
Man takes a bunch of flowers home

for his wife.
She says ""I suppose I  will have to spread my legs now".
He says "Why, haven't you got a vase"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fnnlo/man_takes_a_bunch_of_flowers_home/
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Tell it in the wrong order

How do you screw up a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fnmt2/tell_it_in_the_wrong_order/
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How do you introvert a variable?

You get it by itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fnlzi/how_do_you_introvert_a_variable/
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A man walks into a bar

He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer the bartender puts an apple on the bar.
The man says "this is an apple I wanted a beer"
The bartender says "lick it!"
The man licks the apple and goes "okay it tastes like an apple"
The bartender says "okay turn it around, and now lick it."
The man is stunned, it taste like a fine craft beer
The man says "okay well what if I want a shot of gin"
The bartender takes out a banana and says "lick it."
The man licks it and says "come on I wanted a gin, you know a drink, this just tastes like the outside of the a banana"
The bartender says "turn it around and now lick it"
The man amazed says "wow this taste exactly like gin, but okay if I can't have a drink how about some pussy?"
The bartender puts a peach on the bar and says "lick it"
The man licks it and starts spitting, he yells "god damnit what is wrong with you that tastes like ass!"
The bartender says "well, turn it around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fnjzr/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why are North Korean literacy rates so high?

Because they have the supreme reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fnfrk/why_are_north_korean_literacy_rates_so_high/
%
Johnny's Date

Two friends got lucky after one night at the bar and picked a lady each. When they decided to go down to the nitty gritty they found out they have no money left for the hotel room and knew already the ladies wouldn't do anything on the car so they remembered that his friend Johnny lived alone and they concluded there would be not problem getting rooms since Johnny, let’s put it this way, wasn’t the brightest light in the house.
They came to Johnny’s and made their request. To their surprise he agreed but only on the condition that they provide a lady for him too. They were shocked and almost desisted upon the reasoning that no girl would be willing to dance the naked cha cha with such a fool. Then inspiration came from above (and obviously fuelled by some part of their bodies in the verge of exploding):
-	Dude, don’t you have one of those inflatable dolls in the trunk?
-	Yes, why?
-	Let’s give it to him
-	Man, he will notice
-	Nah, let’s just tell him she’s mute and into rubber stuff but we need to remove  the lightbulb from the socket before he have a chance to see.
So they did after taking Johnny apart while the other one arranged said set up. After that they went to take care of the drilling job I’m not going into further detail since most of you been there and done that.
Next day they talked about the happenings and decided to mock poor Johnny and have some laugh so off they went
-	So Johnny, how it went with the girl?
-	Dude, that chick was weird as fuck!
-	How so?
-	I started to caress her legs and nothing, no response; then I dared to touch her tit and again no reaction.
-	So what did you do?
-	I bit her nipple and that’s when the hell broke loose: she farted very loud and escaped through the open window!
(I admit it: I’m not good at writing in English)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fnfng/johnnys_date/
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All clocks only have 2 hands

You may think they have a third hand, but really it’s just a second hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fne2v/all_clocks_only_have_2_hands/
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Crabby Joke

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fndi9/crabby_joke/
%
What do you call a cow who is masturbating?

Beef Strogan-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fna1x/what_do_you_call_a_cow_who_is_masturbating/
%
Three Words

Three words to ruin a man's ego...
"Is it in?"
Three words to ruin a woman's ego...
"I don't know"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fn7zw/three_words/
%
Pangea was my favorite band

Earth just hasn't been the same since they broke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fn3ak/pangea_was_my_favorite_band/
%
How do you cook divine spaghetti?

Al Dante.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fn1we/how_do_you_cook_divine_spaghetti/
%
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve

It was an Apple with very limited memory. Just 1 byte and everything crashed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fmwwx/the_oldest_computer_can_be_traced_back_to_adam/
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A psychic dwarf escaped from prison the other day

Headlines read: 'Small Medium at Large!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fmwbd/a_psychic_dwarf_escaped_from_prison_the_other_day/
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Nautilus

Two succesful marine biologists come back from their recent expedition, near the seas of Indonesia.
Biologist 1: You won't believe our results. We documented so many different types of fish, including a lot of nautiluses.
Biologist 2: It's not a lie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fmvzp/nautilus/
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I tried to comfort a Grammar Nazi.

I said "there, their, they're."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fmvgo/i_tried_to_comfort_a_grammar_nazi/
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Your drunk uncle

At 10 years old, you laugh at your drunk uncle
At 16, you are embarrassed by your drunk uncle
At 25, you are drunk with your uncle
At 40 *you* are the drunk uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fmrl7/your_drunk_uncle/
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My Jewish Grandmother's favorite Holocaust joke

It's Winter of 1942 and the German SS is in full extermination mode when a new train of Jews comes into the camp. Immediately the train conductor goes to the general and tells the general.
"These are the toughest Jews I have ever seen, General."
The general nods. "Then we will take no chances and immediately send them to the crematorium."
The Jews from the train are herded into the crematorium rooms and locked in for three days while the fires rage on. The general comes back to see the fruits of their labor, the toughest Jews burned to ashes. But when he opens the door...
"What are you doing?! You're going to let all the warm air out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fmje7/my_jewish_grandmothers_favorite_holocaust_joke/
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What’s a homeless man’s favorite drink?

Pover-tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fmhgj/whats_a_homeless_mans_favorite_drink/
%
Don’t trust cats

I was talking to this cat who insisted he was the biggest house cat in existence.
Turns out he was lion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fmbra/dont_trust_cats/
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Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked them who was greatest composer, they all said "Bach Bach Bach Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fmb3w/why_did_mozart_kill_all_of_his_chickens/
%
What do you get when u age an ant?

An antique!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fm652/what_do_you_get_when_u_age_an_ant/
%
My teenage daughter was worried that she was too one-dimensional when it came to applying for schools. I told her that wasn't true and that she was like an onion. She has many layers.

She also smells really bad and makes me cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fm3fm/my_teenage_daughter_was_worried_that_she_was_too/
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My wife fell down a wishing well

Who knew they worked?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fm08n/my_wife_fell_down_a_wishing_well/
%
Where did Frankenstein go to get his tattoo done?

Monsters Ink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9flync/where_did_frankenstein_go_to_get_his_tattoo_done/
%
What twitches at the bottom of the ocean?

A nervous wreck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9flyif/what_twitches_at_the_bottom_of_the_ocean/
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If I had a nickel for every gender...

I would have 10 cents and a lot of counterfeits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9flyd9/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_gender/
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What did the robot pirate say to Mark Zuckerberg?

A.i Captain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9flxq8/what_did_the_robot_pirate_say_to_mark_zuckerberg/
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How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9flwb2/how_is_hurricane_florence_like_my_ex_wife/
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William

What did William Shakespeare write in 1599?
95% of the jokes on this fucking website.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9flvh3/william/
%
The enthalpy change for a combustion reaction is always negative

In other words, fire is hot.
(chemistry joke, hope someone gets it...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fluc1/the_enthalpy_change_for_a_combustion_reaction_is/
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Why they hire idiots in Russian military intelligence?

Well, they used to hire smart people, but those would go to Great Britain, capitulate and stay there to live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9flt5o/why_they_hire_idiots_in_russian_military/
%
My dad always told me,"son if you jack off to much youll go blind."

I said, “Dad, I’m over here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9flrp5/my_dad_always_told_meson_if_you_jack_off_to_much/
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(NSFW) What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't hear a vitamin, but you can hear a hormone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9flqtu/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_vitamin_and_a/
%
Why did the crematorium tech quit?

Not enough urnings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fljiq/why_did_the_crematorium_tech_quit/
%
So this lady is at a small grocer to buy some potatoes.

She does not see any, so asks the manager: "Sir, i am looking for one bag of potatoes". He replies that they have none in stock.
Lady: "I understand, but even half a bag will be fine for my needs"
Manager: "Lady, we don't have ANY potatoes in stock."
Lady: "Ok. But even if it is just 4 potatoes. Can you check your stock room?"
Manager: "Mam, can you spell the eas in peas?"
Lady: "Yes, E-A-S"
Manager: "Good. Can you spell the oes in tomatoes?"
Lady: "Yeah. O-E-S"
Manager: "Very good!. Can you spell the fuck in potatoes?"
Lady: "There's no fuck in potatoes!"
Manager: "That's what I've been trying to tell you. THERE'S NO FUCKIN POTATOES!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9flge8/so_this_lady_is_at_a_small_grocer_to_buy_some/
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An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

Because you have no money left after buying an Apple product

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9flegu/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away/
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How to fall down stairs:

Step 1
Step 3
Step 8,9,11,14

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fldck/how_to_fall_down_stairs/
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Met a girl in a bar last night. She had named her tits “church” & “state”.

I came between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fl8xy/met_a_girl_in_a_bar_last_night_she_had_named_her/
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What's Kylo Ren's favorite band?

Hanson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fl7lr/whats_kylo_rens_favorite_band/
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I'm trying to get rid of my vacuum.

All it does is gather dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fl78x/im_trying_to_get_rid_of_my_vacuum/
%
A guy’s waiting in the doctors clinic when the Doctor comes in and asks him what’s wrong.

“Doctor, for the past few weeks now everything except physical I feel like a moth.”
The Doctor scoffs “You must be joking! You seriously think you’re a moth?”
“Yes” the man cries “I’ve been doing moth things, I’m having moth thoughts.. I’m pretty much doing a moths daily routine and it’s starting to worry me!”
The Doctor replies “Well, you’ve come in to the wrong clinic, you should of went to the Psychiatrist across the street”
When the man replies “Well that’s where I was going but your porch light was on!”
My uncle told me this idk where he got it haha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fl5di/a_guys_waiting_in_the_doctors_clinic_when_the/
%
How to spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fl4xs/how_to_spot_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
%
What did one Pumpkin say to the other?

Happy Hollowing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fkzwx/what_did_one_pumpkin_say_to_the_other/
%
What do you call a Jamaican spice trader?

Cinna-Mon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fky9b/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_spice_trader/
%
Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition

and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fkxz9/frankenstein_enters_a_bodybuilding_competition/
%
A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.
He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:
“No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fkxpg/a_dying_man_smells_his_favorite_oatmeal_raisin/
%
If you have migraines...

Please return them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fkxno/if_you_have_migraines/
%
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters and never 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn’t ask a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fkxa2/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_9_letters_and_never/
%
Mom wants her son to go to school.

A mother was making breakfast for her son and when he didn’t come down for breakfast she went up to his room and said “come on, your breakfast is ready and you’re going to be late for school.
From behind his closed bedroom door the son replies “ I don’t want to go to school.”
Mom replies, “Give me three reasons you don’t want to go to school”
The son says, ” First of all, I don’t like school. Second of all, the teachers all hate me and thirdly the kids all make fun of me.”
The mother listen and being the rational person she is says “I am going to give you three reasons you are going to school. Number one, school is good for you. Number two, you’re thirty-seven years old. Number three, you’re the principal of the school....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fktp8/mom_wants_her_son_to_go_to_school/
%
A cow walks into a pot field...

The steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fkngx/a_cow_walks_into_a_pot_field/
%
The US needs to ban pre-shredded cheese

Make America grate again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fkkmm/the_us_needs_to_ban_preshredded_cheese/
%
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fki0n/a_guy_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_the_librarian/
%
My girlfriend said if we get 100 upvotes we'll try anal

So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fkhib/my_girlfriend_said_if_we_get_100_upvotes_well_try/
%
Last weekend I was accused of being dyslexic at a party...

I think they were just jealous of my goat costume, because nobody else put in *any* effort. For some reason they all just decided to wear bed sheets to the goat party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fkfuh/last_weekend_i_was_accused_of_being_dyslexic_at_a/
%
What do you call a fat ginger kid with glasses?

Anything, not like he'll run after you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fkebp/what_do_you_call_a_fat_ginger_kid_with_glasses/
%
What is Anakin doing in Disneyland?

Killing children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fke22/what_is_anakin_doing_in_disneyland/
%
I love skeleton jokes

I once had a friend who was a skeleton, he was a real bonehead. He worked as a LUMBARjack until he had a bone to pick with his boss. It didn't end well for his career, but hey nothing got under his skin, he tried getting back his job, he tried to fake an apology to his boss, but it once again didn't end well, he was a real bad liar, you could see right through him. He found his next job in comedy, he could tickle everyone's funny bone. He felt in his bones that everyone cracked up every time he stepped on the podium. He never had the guts to finish his stand up and he always got sp00ked and gave up eventually. Now he moved away to another country to start a new career, now I got NO-BODY to hang out with...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fkdlt/i_love_skeleton_jokes/
%
3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The driver- who knew the 3 of them were drunk, started the engine and then shut it off again after a few seconds. He then tells them, "alright guys we're here now!"
The first drunk guy gave the taxi driver money. The second drunk guy smiled then said, "thank you and keep the change." The third drunk guy slapped the driver hard across the face.
The driver was shocked, thinking the third guy knew what he had just done. But then he turned and asked him, "hey what was that for!?"
The third drunk guy replied, "control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fkbsn/3_drunk_guys_entered_a_taxi/
%
A man goes on EU reddit for the first time

and the first night he's browsing through, looking for memes. He sees a post, the title being just “802” with thousands of upvotes, comments full of people making puns.
He thought that was pretty odd, then he saw another post, "1765" With even more upvotes!
"What's going on?" he asked his roommate.
"Well, memes are illegal now so we all just memorized them, and numbered ‘em so we don’t get arrested. "
"Oh," he says, "can I try?"
"Sure, go ahead."
So, he posts "6976!" and the place goes nuts. People are golding the post and upvoting it to the front page. He looks at his roommate rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.
"Wow, good post huh?"
"Yeah! We ain't never seen that one before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fkb35/a_man_goes_on_eu_reddit_for_the_first_time/
%
My brother plays soccer for a team called the Musketeers

They've started the season well with three wins and a draw, all 4-1 and one 4 all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fk9c5/my_brother_plays_soccer_for_a_team_called_the/
%
What's lamer than a lemon but cooler than a cucumber?

A radish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fk2jx/whats_lamer_than_a_lemon_but_cooler_than_a/
%
Does this one work in english...?

Q: What borders on stupidity and ignorance?
A: Canada and Mexico

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fk2bk/does_this_one_work_in_english/
%
I drew a penis on my friends face while he was sleeping...

He was so pissed when he woke up to me tracing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fk1fe/i_drew_a_penis_on_my_friends_face_while_he_was/
%
Son asks his dad the meaning of the word gay

Dad, what does gay mean?
Well, it can mean two things. It can mean that a man is attracted to another man. Or it could mean happy.
Dad, are you gay?
No son, I'm married to your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fk06m/son_asks_his_dad_the_meaning_of_the_word_gay/
%
What is a holocaust survivor’s least favourite subreddit?

Showerthoughts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fk00m/what_is_a_holocaust_survivors_least_favourite/
%
My buddy is a sex worker and today he came home overjoyed that he made $104.25 that day

I asked, "Wait, who gave you the 25 cents?"
He says, "All of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fjzf0/my_buddy_is_a_sex_worker_and_today_he_came_home/
%
What do you call an overweight psychic?

A Four-Chin Teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fjv04/what_do_you_call_an_overweight_psychic/
%
What did the fisherman say to the lightning bolt?

"Mr. Spark, I don't reel so good"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fju22/what_did_the_fisherman_say_to_the_lightning_bolt/
%
What type of ants does Donald Trump hate the most?

Immigrants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fjr0q/what_type_of_ants_does_donald_trump_hate_the_most/
%
Two monkeys in the bath, one turns to the other and says 'ooo ooo aah aahh!!' to which the other replies..

'Well put some cold in then!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fjqkx/two_monkeys_in_the_bath_one_turns_to_the_other/
%
Three Vampires were discussing their feats

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and poof he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".
The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. Poof He's gone in a split second. He returns, mouth covered in blood and says, "see that town over there? I have sucked the townspeople's blood down to the last drop".
The last vampire also wants to show off his skill. Poofhe's gone at the speed of light. He comes back, his entire face covered in blood. The first to vampires are in awe! The last vampire says, "see that lamp post over there?" The first two vampires eagerly nod, impatient to hear of his feat. The last vampire continues, "well fuck, I sure didn't see it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fjma9/three_vampires_were_discussing_their_feats/
%
In a strange way, I was really looking forward to the hurricane and I was disappointed when it was downgraded...

I thought others round these here parts would echo my sentiment, but I guess Carolinians are used to being disappointed by the Hurricanes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fjlf4/in_a_strange_way_i_was_really_looking_forward_to/
%
You know what they say about the Navy...

100 men go in and 50 couples come out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fjb4q/you_know_what_they_say_about_the_navy/
%
Have you ever wondered why letters are used to define bra sizes?

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fj80n/have_you_ever_wondered_why_letters_are_used_to/
%
Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fj3f2/twitter_has_banned_foreign_spy_as_hate_speech/
%
An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant...

... when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their  table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see  him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I  can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a  divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering  in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage  and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large
Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fj3am/an_italian_husband_and_wife_were_having_dinner_at/
%
Just wondering why Nike didn’t pick Tanya Harding for it’s ads.

Wasn’t she the first one to take a knee?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fj2qq/just_wondering_why_nike_didnt_pick_tanya_harding/
%
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek, with Einstein seeking. As he counts down, Pascal goes and hides in the bushes but Newton stands in front of him, takes out a piece of chalk, and draws a square around himself on the ground. When Einstein reaches 0, he looks up and sees Newton and declares, "I've found Newton!"
Newton replies, "No you haven't. You've found one Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fj1ri/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_playing_hide_and/
%
Two married ladies go for a girly holiday to the Carribbean

They meet a handsome muscular black man on the first day.
They have a wild week of threesomes and parties, and on the last day the ladies say we never asked you your name.
He replies "my name is snow"
The ladies immediately burst out laughing.
The man looking rather upset asks why they are laughing.
And the ladies say "I don't think our husbands will believe that we got 10 inches of snow in the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fj0l7/two_married_ladies_go_for_a_girly_holiday_to_the/
%
My doctor says that my urine is red because of dehydration

Jokes on him, that's blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9finbm/my_doctor_says_that_my_urine_is_red_because_of/
%
The problem with dating a model...

... is that she's only 5 inches tall and I have to paint her myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fimne/the_problem_with_dating_a_model/
%
[Tasteless] Lost my great uncle in the Holocaust

Dumbass fell off the guard tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fimbf/tasteless_lost_my_great_uncle_in_the_holocaust/
%
So, a guy and his mother went to visit his father's grave...

Mother: Son, before your father passed away, he apologized for not being able to be around watching you grow. He said he will always love you even when he's no more. He really meant it.
Son: I guess he was dead serious about it?
\*giggling sound from the grave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fifi1/so_a_guy_and_his_mother_went_to_visit_his_fathers/
%
What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fidzi/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_a_twitch/
%
What's the difference between a homosexual and a refrigerator?

The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fianb/whats_the_difference_between_a_homosexual_and_a/
%
What do you call an Asian banker with no friends?

Loan Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fi6cp/what_do_you_call_an_asian_banker_with_no_friends/
%
100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fi5jc/100_years_ago_everyone_had_a_horse_and_only_the/
%
What do you call an oriental crab?

A Crust-Asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fi32x/what_do_you_call_an_oriental_crab/
%
A cop notices a young fit man pull into a handicap parking spot and approaches him as he is getting out of the car.

“Excuse me sir, what exactly is your disability?”
The man replied, “Tourette’s. Now fuck off asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fi13y/a_cop_notices_a_young_fit_man_pull_into_a/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Where are you from?" the bartender asks.

"Oklahoma," the guy replies. "Oh yeah?" the bartender asks. "Which part?" "All of me I guess," the guy says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fi0xe/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer_where/
%
One of my legs is longer than the other

but now with orthopaedic shoes, I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fi0ks/one_of_my_legs_is_longer_than_the_other/
%
A golfer tells his buddy, “Check out this “Impossible-to Lose” golf ball I have...

If you hit it in the water it floats and then activates a small propeller that moves it over to the edge so you can retrieve it. If you hit it in high grass it emits a smoke signal.  If you hit it into a bush, it chirps. It’s literally impossible to lose!”
His buddy says “Wow! That’s awesome. How much does it cost?”
The golfer says”I don’t know.  I just found it on the course.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fi073/a_golfer_tells_his_buddy_check_out_this/
%
If your mom is 17 and your dad is 18, what does that make you?

An accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhzh3/if_your_mom_is_17_and_your_dad_is_18_what_does/
%
Why is 0 = 1?

Cos 0 = 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhv3f/why_is_0_1/
%
I just accidentally shot my wife in the hand with a nail gun...

Well, that's what she gets for covering her eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhsdx/i_just_accidentally_shot_my_wife_in_the_hand_with/
%
There are three things I like

Fucking dogs and not using commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhrc6/there_are_three_things_i_like/
%
Why isn't /r/Fencing more popular?

Too many ripostes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhq8p/why_isnt_rfencing_more_popular/
%
I went to the doctors office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young, female, and drop-dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen
it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and il check it out."
I said, "My wife thinks by dick tastes funny".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhq42/i_went_to_the_doctors_office_the_other_day_and/
%
There are three men, Nobody, No-one and Stupid.

They were on a fishing trip in Canada when the first fell in the river, and began to drown, as he had never learned to swim as a child.
The second stayed behind to help rescue him from the river.
The third ran to the nearest police station and explained the situation to the first police officer he saw.
"Officer! Come quickly, Nobody is drowning in the river and No-one is helping him!"
"Are you stupid?" Asked the officer
"I am, yes, nice to meet you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhq18/there_are_three_men_nobody_noone_and_stupid/
%
What do you call an alligator who is always having sex?

A Forni-gator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhpmc/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_who_is_always/
%
Conversation

Daughter: what does gays mean?
Me: you know how mom and dad love each other? Two men can also love each other in the same way.
Daughter: oh, what does "penetrating gays" mean?
Me: er, read the whole sentence.
Daughter: "he stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: oh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhpbj/conversation/
%
An elderly couple are about to have sex in a nursing home supply closet.

The woman decided to warn the man about her heart condition. “ You need to know this, I have acute angina.”
“That’s good news.” The man replied, “because you have the ugliest pair of tits I have ever seen.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhp72/an_elderly_couple_are_about_to_have_sex_in_a/
%
Coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhoju/coffee/
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I before E except after C

We feign agreeing, but this foreign poltergeist of a rule is neither efficient nor smart- and therein lies the height of the issue. It's as if an ancient deity has deigned to influence the zeitgeist of the people. We must remove the weight of this veil from their eyes, and forfeit the obeisance of this weird and heinous rule from our science and leisure alike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhnv7/i_before_e_except_after_c/
%
I have never done cocaine

but it smells amazing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhmob/i_have_never_done_cocaine/
%
What do they call a cat that chases its tail?

A purrrrricane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhm8t/what_do_they_call_a_cat_that_chases_its_tail/
%
Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.
In the morning the second dwarf asks the first,  “ how was your night?”
“It was so embarrassing. I couldn’t get it up no matter how hard I tried.”
The second award shook his head. “ You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the fucking bed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhlxd/two_dwarfs_walk_into_a_bar_where_they_pick_up_two/
%
Three friends decided to go on a three day excursion into the jungle...

On the second day, Joey and Sam woke to find their friend, Creed, had disappeared. Knowing that he was a heavy sleeper and was prone to sleep walking, they quickly packed up to go find him.
They stumbled upon a remote village who welcomed them with open arms, fed them, and threw a three day festival at their arrival. The men were so enamored with the village’s hospitality, they forgot about their friend!
On the third day, Joey talked to the chief of the village and said, “We are so thankful for all that you have done, but we must be going, we are looking for our friend.” The chief replied, “ we understand but we must be honest with you, we are actually cannibals”
Shocked, both Joey and Sam rushed to their defense. “But you all have been so kind to us! There’s no way you all could be cannibals!” The chief replied, “I don’t know what to say, I guess we could show you our Creed entrails if that would help?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhl60/three_friends_decided_to_go_on_a_three_day/
%
The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...

We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhf9o/the_neighborhood_barber_just_got_arrested_for/
%
What do you call a delivery driver from an indian takeaway?

A curryier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhdk7/what_do_you_call_a_delivery_driver_from_an_indian/
%
So a pregnant woman walks into a bank...

While she's in the bank, the bank gets robbed and she gets shot in the stomach 3 times.
She wakes up in the hospital and the doctor tells her she'll be just fine. Worried, she asks about her baby. The doctor says "oh interestingly enough you're having triplets and they'll also be just fine, but each baby had a bullet enter them." The woman gasped, the doctor tells her it's ok, when the kids get older the bullet will just pass through their system.
She gives birth, 2 girls and a boy.
13 years later the first girl goes up to her mom,  "Mommy! Mommy! I did a bad thing!"
"What happened sweetie??"
"I went to the bathroom and bullet came out!"
The mom explains what happened, and the girl goes on her way. A week later the second daughter comes to her.
"Mommy! Mommy! I did a bad thing!"
"Oh, don't tell me, you went to the bathroom and a bullet came out?"
"Yea, how'd you know??"
The mom explains what happened, and the girl goes on her way. A few weeks go by and the son goes up to the mom.
"Mommy! Mommy! I did a bad thing!"
"Oh, don't tell me, you went to the bathroom and a bullet came out?"
"No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fhbus/so_a_pregnant_woman_walks_into_a_bank/
%
I can't buy any protein powder

Because it's whey out of my budget!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fh98t/i_cant_buy_any_protein_powder/
%
A Young Russian is sent to a Siberian Work Camp

A Guard looks at him and asks "How long is your sentence?"
The young man says, "Ten years"
The guard whistles and replies, "What did you do?"
"Nothing" says the young man.
The guard laughs and says "That's a lie. For doing nothing you only get 8 years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fh7z7/a_young_russian_is_sent_to_a_siberian_work_camp/
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Why did the pervert cross the road?

Cause he had his dick in the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fh7y6/why_did_the_pervert_cross_the_road/
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A gorgeous brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.
“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fh5ab/a_gorgeous_brunette_goes_into_the_doctors_office/
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The last will

Joe was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Simon, I want you to take the houses on South Street."
"My daughter Gail, you take the apartments over in Mason Road."
"My son Joe Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bernadette, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on Sunshine Avenue."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Joe's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Ma'am, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “He had a window cleaning round."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fh56x/the_last_will/
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I met a British dude who insisted that he was a famous singer.

I said that I didn't believe him, but he was Adam Ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fh4x0/i_met_a_british_dude_who_insisted_that_he_was_a/
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A crab walks into a bar...

The Barman says "I can't serve you mate, you're already walking sideways".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fh49w/a_crab_walks_into_a_bar/
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Golf balls

A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets quizzically.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him puzzled and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fgwr0/golf_balls/
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There's an old saying, never work with children or animals

This especially applies in porno

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fgvie/theres_an_old_saying_never_work_with_children_or/
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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

[This joke isn't available for EU users]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fgtz6/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today

Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fgtrl/i_used_redbull_instead_of_water_to_brew_my_coffee/
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What do you call a witch in the middle east?

A sandwitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fgtho/what_do_you_call_a_witch_in_the_middle_east/
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My cock is rainbow coloured

Tell your mum to stop changing her damn lipstick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fgr56/my_cock_is_rainbow_coloured/
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First Date...

Her: So what do you do?
Me: I'm currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Me: Then I'll move on to Virgos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fgkbi/first_date/
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A man got divorced and goes to a swamp to drown himself.

When he’s about to jump, a frog appears and says “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Man tells the frog that his wife left him and took the kids and he wants to kill himself. “Don’t worry, go home and everything will be fine” frog answers. Man comes home to see that his wife and family is back and everything is back to normal.
After some time man got fired from his job, drowned in debt and decided to kill himself again. He came to the swamp and saw the same frog there.
“What’s wrong this time” the frog said.
“I’m in debt and I don’t have a work. I can’t give my family what they need.”
“Go home and everything gonna be fine”
Man returns to hear his wife telling he’s got accepted to his work again and their debt were paid.
A month after that man decides that he has to thank the frog somehow. He goes to the swamp and finds the frog.
“You helped me a lot, how can I thank you?”
“No need to thank me”
“Oh please I really want to do something for you”
“Well, then there is one thing you can still do for me. I’ll ask you to fuck me.”
Man, surprised, takes his pants off
“And that exact moment, officer, the frog turns into a 8 year old boy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fgk21/a_man_got_divorced_and_goes_to_a_swamp_to_drown/
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What do you get when you attempt to mix human and goat DNA?

...Kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fg4il/what_do_you_get_when_you_attempt_to_mix_human_and/
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Quiet and Trouble

Once upon a time there lived two brothers called Quiet and Trouble. One day the both of them got lost in a fair.
A policeman found Quiet who looked visibly distressed. The cop asked him "What's the matter boy,what's your name?"
Quiet said the boy. The cop angrily replied "Are you looking for trouble?" .
"Yes but I can't find him" replied Quiet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fg1p7/quiet_and_trouble/
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I don't know about the new IPhone XS

It just seems a little excess..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fg0v9/i_dont_know_about_the_new_iphone_xs/
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A prisoner was told how he’ll be executed.

Needless to say, he was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fg0n5/a_prisoner_was_told_how_hell_be_executed/
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4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ffyuj/4_6_8_and_9_have_all_been_killed/
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Two friends, Mick and Dave, are having lunch

over at Dave’s house when the conversation turns to postal delivery workers.
Dave, disgruntled about the subject, says “I order a lot of books to get delivered here daily, but I always get a slip saying that they missed me, even if I’m home to receive them. I’m getting sick of it.”
Mick, understanding his frustration, suggests “Maybe you should fight back, complain about it or something.”
Dave confidently replies “Don’t you worry about that. I’ve got it sorted today. I’ve put a sign on the front saying that I trade books for paint thinner.”
Mick confusedly asks “And how will that solve the problem?”
As though on cue, the doorbell rings and a man is heard calling out that he’s with the local postal delivery service, followed by some choice swearing.
Dave, nonplussed by the whole situation, wipes his mouth, stands up and says to Mick “Because I covered the front doorstep with super glue.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ffro8/two_friends_mick_and_dave_are_having_lunch/
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What do cannibals call disabled people

Meals on wheels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ffrf6/what_do_cannibals_call_disabled_people/
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9/10 Reddit Users are Morons

I'm glad I'm the 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ffp93/910_reddit_users_are_morons/
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Do you know what’s the worst part in being a gay black police officer?

The discrimination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ffp5o/do_you_know_whats_the_worst_part_in_being_a_gay/
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There were two fools and one boss

Boss told the fools to go and steal money from a random house.He told them that if the fence is tall then dig under,if the fence is short then jump.
Two hours later the fools came back with empty hands.
Boss asked them:"Where is the money?What happened?"
Fools replied "There was no fence"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ffoyf/there_were_two_fools_and_one_boss/
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Takin' a stand

I believe that if you wake up and catch someone trying the old hand in the water prank on you that you're within your rights to stand up and start pissing all over them. He said he was "refilling my glass", just "doing his job".. And that I was in his "section". Nice try pal. Better luck next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ffnou/takin_a_stand/
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Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist?

He got off on a technicality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ffirq/did_you_hear_about_the_jurisprudence_fetishist/
%
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?

Rough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ffiov/what_did_the_dog_say_when_he_sat_on_sandpaper/
%
A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".

Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ffg55/a_patient_and_his_doctor_were_sitting_in_the/
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My grandfather was a brilliant artist.

He had an amazing stroke.
That's how he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ffccy/my_grandfather_was_a_brilliant_artist/
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Gay Jokes aren’t funny.

Come on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ff4g1/gay_jokes_arent_funny/
%
I Googled, "how to start a wildfire"

I got 48,500 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ff38d/i_googled_how_to_start_a_wildfire/
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What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run, there's a live grenade in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fezuq/what_should_you_do_if_a_blonde_throws_a_pin_at_you/
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This bloke walks into a bar...

This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.
The bloke says  "let's have a drink then" the ostrich nods but the cat freaks out an says " ok but I'm definately not paying"
The bloke sighs and gets 3 drinks from the barman sits down with the cat and the ostrich and drinks up.
After some time the ostrich suggests another drink, the bloke agrees but the cat freaks out again and shouts"I'm definitely not paying no way I can't afford it!" The bloke sighs again and orders 3 more drinks.
As the barman is pouring the drinks he leans over and asks the bloke " I can't help but notice your with an ostrich and cat that won't pay, what's the story?"
"Well"says the man " I found a lamp whilst on holiday and gave it a rub, and out popped a Genie and he granted me a wish." The barman was amazed and said " so what did you wish for?" The bloke replies " A long legged bird with a tight pussy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fezj8/this_bloke_walks_into_a_bar/
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I once went to a convention about impostor syndrome...

...but I had to leave because I felt like I didn't belong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fexu1/i_once_went_to_a_convention_about_impostor/
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I was going to make a joke about eating ass.

But it was a little too tongue in cheek for my tastes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fesv3/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_eating_ass/
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Memes have come a long way since they appeared on the internet.

They used to be funny pictures you sent to your friends, now they lead countries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fesr1/memes_have_come_a_long_way_since_they_appeared_on/
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A frog walks into a bank for a loan...

A frog walks into a bank for a loan and is greeted by the teller.
“Well goodness me! In all 30 years of working here I’ve never once seen a frog come in! How can I help you today?”
“Well ma’am, I’ve come in for a loan.”
“I see. I can definitely help you begin the process for that. Do you mind if I ask what exactly would a frog need a loan for, however?”
“Well, it’s not really any of your business ma’am, but it’s for *this*,” the frog says as he hands her a picture of a small, toy elephant.
“Huh, how peculiar. I’m not sure if we can approve a loan for something like that. Let me speak with my manager quickly and I’ll be right back with you. Can I have your name, please?”
“Kermit, ma’am.”
“Ah! Kermit! Like Kermit the Frog!”
“No ma’am. Kermit Jagger. My mother was a frog and my father was Mc Jagger.”
“I see. Well then, just hang tight and I’ll be right back.”
“Ma’am wait! I didn’t get your name!”
“Patty Whack,” the teller responds as she heads into the back office.
Patty walks into the office and begins recalling the series of events that just happened to her manager.
“You see, sir, it’s a frog who says he’s the son of Mc Jagger. We’ve never done business with a frog before. And to top it all off, he wants a loan for *this*,” she says as she shows the picture of the small, toy elephant to her manager. “What even is this... thing?”
Her boss responds, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a Rolling Stone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fep3c/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank_for_a_loan/
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What kind of web developer likes to find bugs?

A Spider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fep2p/what_kind_of_web_developer_likes_to_find_bugs/
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I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9femn1/i_invented_a_new_golf_ball_thatll_automatically/
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Two Hillbillies Walk Into A Restaurant...

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9feirc/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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Facebook may not make the lame walk again...

But it sure allows the dumb to speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9feia8/facebook_may_not_make_the_lame_walk_again/
%
Welcome to book-binding club

Make yourself a tome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fehmx/welcome_to_bookbinding_club/
%
Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, and Vladimir Putin are being chased by a horde of angry Arab bandits.

"Please stop chasing us, I'll pay you!" Trump screams, but the bandits just keep charging.
"Please stop chasing us, I can get your countries accepted into the EU!" Merkel yells, but the bandits seem to dislike this offer and continue the charge.
"I have an idea," says Putin. He turns around to face the bandits, smiles, and says, "Prevyet, comrades! You are now crossing the border of the mighty Russian Federation!"
All the bandits flee screaming.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fefbm/donald_trump_angela_merkel_and_vladimir_putin_are/
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How do you piss off your wife while you're having sex?

Phone her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fecaq/how_do_you_piss_off_your_wife_while_youre_having/
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The divorce rate has now reached 50%.

That means statistically speaking, either you or your spouse are going to end up divorced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9feb0c/the_divorce_rate_has_now_reached_50/
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What is the best part about a pie, yet not about a pussy?

The crust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9feax4/what_is_the_best_part_about_a_pie_yet_not_about_a/
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An Asian man walks into a bar

and starts drinking a beer. A white man sees him and asks “Do you know karate or Kung fu? Anything like that?”
The Asian man looks somewhat offended “Is it because I’m Asian?”
The man replies: “No, it’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fe6xw/an_asian_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you get when the people elect a narcissist as president?

A narcissistic president. What did you people expect?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fe40w/what_do_you_get_when_the_people_elect_a/
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I like misdirection

But I can't stand her husband

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fe2df/i_like_misdirection/
%
Why did Miss Piggy lose her voice?

She frequently had a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fe2cu/why_did_miss_piggy_lose_her_voice/
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With great reflexes...

Comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fe04u/with_great_reflexes/
%
Why couldn’t the restaurant owners open a new data center

They didn’t have enough servers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fdz6l/why_couldnt_the_restaurant_owners_open_a_new_data/
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Farting to the beat.

Once, I was at a restaurant and I wanted to fart so bad, that I couldn't even move.
Fortunately, the restaurant had really loud music so I thought I'd fart to the beats so that nobody would notice. After several moments, I noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I had been wearing  headphones the whole time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fdvo0/farting_to_the_beat/
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[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her stomach. as the Police apprehend the robber the woman is rushed to the hospital. thankfully she survives her ordeal and births 2 daughters and a son, but unfortunately the doctors are afraid to extract the bullets from the three infants, but they guarantee the new mother that the three newborns can lead full healthy lives without having to remove the bullets; and that with time they might even sort themselves out. The mother agrees and decides that surgery isn't needed. And true to their words life went on. Thirteen years later her oldest daughter comes running to her in the kitchen in tears.
"Mommy, mommy... I was going to the bathroom and I peed out a bullet. Am I going to die?"
The mother takes her daughter aside and assures her she will be fine and explains to her all that happened those 13 years ago, but she makes her daughter promise not to tell her siblings for fear of them panicking over nothing that have effected them for so long. She agrees and goes about her day. A few days go by and her second eldest comes running to her while she was sitting in the Den
"Mommy, mommy, I was going to the bathroom and I peed out a bullet."
Like before the mother sits her daughter down and explains everything that happened thirteen years prior, again having her promise not to tell her brother, the daughter agrees and goes on her way.
a few days past and her son came running into the living room.
"Mommy, mommy..."
chuckling a little to herself she turns to her son
"Let me guess, you went to the bathroom and peed out a bullet?"
"No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fdvfr/long_a_pregnant_woman_was_standing_in_line_at_a/
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These three spies get captured one day - a French spy, a German spy and an Italian spy.

Their captors come into the cell where the spies are being held, grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.
They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.
The captors then throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.
They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.
4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.
The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk.
The Italian spy says, " I wanted to, but I couldn't move my hands!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fduhp/these_three_spies_get_captured_one_day_a_french/
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When is the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30
My FIL told me that one last weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fdr6v/when_is_the_best_time_to_go_to_the_dentist/
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Didn't want to have children any more so I went and got a vasectomy

But when I came home they were still here...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fdmwf/didnt_want_to_have_children_any_more_so_i_went/
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Meanwhile at the bar

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the STD clinic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fdh45/meanwhile_at_the_bar/
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Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all making a movie about classical composers.

Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be mozart."
Jean Claude Van Damme said, "I'll be Beethoven."
Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fdfz3/sylvester_stallone_jean_claude_van_damme_and/
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How do OB/GYN's prefer their eggs?

Ovaries-y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fdfhh/how_do_obgyns_prefer_their_eggs/
%
If you suck at playing the trumpet,

That's probably why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fdf4p/if_you_suck_at_playing_the_trumpet/
%
4 Soldiers were coming home from a huge battle

As they were walking back to their base, one of the soldiers says,
"Oh man, that was the toughest battle of our lives. 4 men against 1,000!"
One of the other soldiers says, "I know right. I can't believe we survived!"
The 3rd soldier says, "I agree with you both. That was the last battle I'll ever fight. 4 men against 1000"
The last soldier says, "Those were the toughest 4 guys we've ever fought."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fdf08/4_soldiers_were_coming_home_from_a_huge_battle/
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Did you hear about the thief that went to the theatre?

He stole the spotlight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fddw9/did_you_hear_about_the_thief_that_went_to_the/
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My Italian girlfriend bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti

You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fdcc1/my_italian_girlfriend_bet_me_i_couldnt_make_a_car/
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Why did House Stark shut down the northernmost cereal factory in the Seven Kingdoms?

Cuz they were bad at Raisin’ Bran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fdanw/why_did_house_stark_shut_down_the_northernmost/
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What does a census taker have in common with a gynecologist?

They're both good at checking boxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fczlu/what_does_a_census_taker_have_in_common_with_a/
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A buddy of mine is one of those “flat Earther’s.” He said he’s angry and going to the edge.

I have a feeling he’ll come around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fcz7o/a_buddy_of_mine_is_one_of_those_flat_earthers_he/
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What size of airplane would little people ride?

Mid-Jet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fcxys/what_size_of_airplane_would_little_people_ride/
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A guy visits a farm

He is given a tour by the farmer. At some point he spots a pig with a wooden leg. What's the story of this pig over there, he asks the farmer.
Oh! Glad you asked. This pig, he's something else. Last year, we had a fire in the house. Flames and smoke everywhere. We all got out in time but then my wife notices our daughter is still inside. While we panic, that pig jumps into the house and comes back out a couple minutes later with our daughter, safe and sound.
That's amazing says the guy! Unbelievable.
That's not all. 6 months ago, my young boy fell into the pool and started drowning.  None of us can swim. While we panic, that pig jumps out of nowhere, and pulls my kid out of the water saving his life.
That is absolutely astounding! says the guy.
That's not all! Just last month we had a burglary at night. We were held at gun point in our house. Before you know it, pig jumps through the window, headbutts the burglar and knocks him unconscious, then he goes to the phone and dials 999 for us to get the police to come pick the burglar up.
"All this is just mind blowing" says the guy, "but why the wooden leg?"
"Ah, that...", says the farmer. "A pig like that, you don't eat all at once".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fcxl8/a_guy_visits_a_farm/
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If you go to a friends house and they have a giant banner of the Soviet Union hanging in their room

That should be a red flag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fcto8/if_you_go_to_a_friends_house_and_they_have_a/
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What type of instrument does an English man play?

The UK-Lele

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fcs1z/what_type_of_instrument_does_an_english_man_play/
%
A golfer was thinking of bringing an extra pair of pants.

He figured it's not a bad idea, just in case he got a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fcprf/a_golfer_was_thinking_of_bringing_an_extra_pair/
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The teacher to Jimmy:

"I am really sorry Jimmy but I can't give you anything better than a F in french."
Jimmy:"Gracias!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fcky6/the_teacher_to_jimmy/
%
What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable in the South?

A vegetable can get married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fck3i/whats_the_difference_between_a_fruit_and_a/
%
Sex for me is like my steak

Rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fcf50/sex_for_me_is_like_my_steak/
%
One bird can't make a pun.

But toucan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fcerv/one_bird_cant_make_a_pun/
%
A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor too his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."
The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."
The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left. "I fucking missed again!"
The priest overheard and replied "Child, please don't use that language or God will punish you!"
The sailor finally made it on the green and lined up his putt. The ball was heading straight and true when a gopher popped out of a hole and stole the ball. The priest was amused, thinking God had punished the sailor for his filthy language. The sailor, bewildered, whispered "What the fuck?"
The priest lost it. "That's it! You ignore the small sign that God disapproves of your language! Now he'll most certainly punish you severely!" Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and struck the priest, killing him.
In the distance a deep voice boomed, "FUCK, I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fcdx5/a_sailor_and_a_priest_were_playing_golf/
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My doctor told me I need to try a low-carb diet.

He put me on 6 weeks of breadrest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fcds3/my_doctor_told_me_i_need_to_try_a_lowcarb_diet/
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Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor...

And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fcbu7/wednesday_and_thursday_were_named_after_the_norse/
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My friend realised the other day that is he both gay and dyslexic.

He's still in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fcaox/my_friend_realised_the_other_day_that_is_he_both/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Ay matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fc989/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
I’m suspicious my therapist's a ghost

ME: [suspicious my therapist's a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall.
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it.
ME: [quietly] Holy shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fc8ym/im_suspicious_my_therapists_a_ghost/
%
My friend was thinking of getting a labrador.

I had to talk him out of it: "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fc7dk/my_friend_was_thinking_of_getting_a_labrador/
%
I dont know why people say cancer is so hard to beat.

I'm already on stage 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fc21r/i_dont_know_why_people_say_cancer_is_so_hard_to/
%
A woman is running out of a park screaming « Grape! »

I asked her if she meant « rape » but apparently there was a bunch of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fbz5o/a_woman_is_running_out_of_a_park_screaming_grape/
%
The New Lumberjack

A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine.
The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fbyih/the_new_lumberjack/
%
If you were anti-pencil

Would you be erasist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fby59/if_you_were_antipencil/
%
I once read a joke about Oedipus and Midas...

It was motherfucking gold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fbxvl/i_once_read_a_joke_about_oedipus_and_midas/
%
Whats tiny and makes priests moan?

Church attendance levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fbtkd/whats_tiny_and_makes_priests_moan/
%
What's the best part about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fbsj5/whats_the_best_part_about_having_sex_with_a/
%
Ahhh Communism

My favorite weight loss program

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fbq40/ahhh_communism/
%
I never make mistakes...

I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fbour/i_never_make_mistakes/
%
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fbjal/jehovahs_witnesses_dont_celebrate_halloween/
%
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fbiru/an_18_year_old_italian_girl_tells_her_mom_that/
%
A son goes to his dad and asks him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

The dad replies, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replies, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fbi8h/a_son_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks_him_dad_whats_an/
%
The Porno Salesman

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? "
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before. "She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman says, "I think I did good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fbhbi/the_porno_salesman/
%
I Really Don't Like Atomic Science

Honestly, It's Such A Bohr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fbg80/i_really_dont_like_atomic_science/
%
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He’s fine. He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fbfql/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
My girlfriend found out I cheated on her after she found all those letters...

She got mad and said we're never playing Scrabble again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fb60d/my_girlfriend_found_out_i_cheated_on_her_after/
%
Old couple are getting ready for bed...

An older couple are getting ready for bed and the lady is feeling frisky. She decides a little role play is in order . So she goes to the bathroom and she strips down, ties a towel around her neck and jumps out into the bedroom.
She screams, "super pussy!" The old man looks at her befuddled for a second. Then says, "I'll have the soup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fb1ja/old_couple_are_getting_ready_for_bed/
%
How do you sell a ship with a broken mast?

Promote a half-off sail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fb0p1/how_do_you_sell_a_ship_with_a_broken_mast/
%
When I was a baby, my parents used to bath me in really cheap Australian lager...

It wasn't until my 18th birthday that they told me I'd been fostered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fazo0/when_i_was_a_baby_my_parents_used_to_bath_me_in/
%
A man wanders about a casino and sees a gorgeous woman who is clearly bored

"Hello, I see you're sad, what happened?", he asks.
"Well, I'm not sad really, just a little bored", she answers, "you see, I'm a little kinky and most men around my social status don't really seem to like it".
"Oh really? Well I enjoy being kinky too, so it seems that we have the same kind of problem", the man said.
"Well", said the woman, obviously interested, "why don't we come upstairs to have some fun we're lacking here?"
And so they went upstairs to her rooms. The lady asked the man to wait for her a little bit and went to her dressing room. Ten minutes later, the door opens and she comes out, clad in black leather, long pointy heels, spiked whip in her gloved hand. "So, you say you enjoy kinky, it seems like you're quite a bad boy, aren't you?", she says in demanding voice and suddenly notices that the man is heading for the exit, obviously going to leave.
"Wait, didn't you say that you enjoy kinky stuff, why do you leave?", she asks, confused.
"Well, I've already fucked your chihuahua and took a dump into your purse, what's more there to do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9faybw/a_man_wanders_about_a_casino_and_sees_a_gorgeous/
%
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks, tell them it’s 12345678

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9faujz/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
%
how to milk a sheep

release a new iphone again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fagjb/how_to_milk_a_sheep/
%
What do you call a full body sneeze?

A sneezure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fafq1/what_do_you_call_a_full_body_sneeze/
%
A man and his wife walked quickly into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.  I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.  I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!  We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30am already.  I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself,  "Well, well, at last, a golfer with real balls!!"
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9faea8/a_man_and_his_wife_walked_quickly_into_a_dentists/
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[NSFW language]

Two young brothers are talking to each other one morning and one says
"Jimmy we should start swearing. That would make us cool"
Jimmy says "I like that idea Tom, I'll swear at breakfast!"
So the two boys get dressed for school and go down for breakfast. Their Mom asks "Well boys what do you want for breakfast?"
Jimmy says proudly "I'll have some Goddamn Cheerios."
His mother gasps and slaps him in the face. She then turns to her other son.
"And what are you having for breakfast??"
Tom looks nervously at his brother then says to his mom.
"I don't know but it sure as shit won't be cheerios"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fadfs/nsfw_language/
%
An eighty year old man is in the hospital waiting room about to be a first time father.

The nurse comes out of the opperating room as says "Good news sir your wife just gave birth to twins. You have two healthy baby boys. "
The old man stands up excitedly and takes off his hat exposing his silver hair. He says to the nurse "It just goes to show you even if you have snow on the roof you can still have a fire in the furnace!"
The nurse replied: "Well you better change your filter because the babies are black"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fackb/an_eighty_year_old_man_is_in_the_hospital_waiting/
%
What do you call a person with no body and no nose?

No body nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9faan5/what_do_you_call_a_person_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
%
Did you hear they're making a movie about clocks?

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fa9pg/did_you_hear_theyre_making_a_movie_about_clocks/
%
Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9fa8r4/did_you_hear_about_the_penisless_man_who/
%
What did Russell Crowe do when a cannibal ate his wife?

Nothing... He was Gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f9vyy/what_did_russell_crowe_do_when_a_cannibal_ate_his/
%
I just realized it's much safer to drive drunk

Because you see the street signs twice and you don't miss them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f9vrq/i_just_realized_its_much_safer_to_drive_drunk/
%
why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f9uyg/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
%
Stephen Hawking’s final theory, written just before he died, was released yesterday.

It's about time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f9tic/stephen_hawkings_final_theory_written_just_before/
%
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous.

The doctor inspects them. "It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f9qvq/a_pirate_goes_to_a_doctor_worried_that_the_moles/
%
Hope it's not a repost!!

A spine and bone specialist doctor was on duty. First patient came with a back pain.
Doctor:- What happened?
Patient:- I was on a business trip which got cancelled, so I returned 2 days earlier. When I reached home I heard sex noise from my flat. Till I opened the door and reached my bedroom I found only my wife half naked. I looked from window and saw a man running away while dressing. I picked up a fridge nearby and threw it on him. Lifting fridge caused my back pain.
Doctor did his check up and he left.
Next patient came with even severe back injury.
On asking, he explained:- I had a fight with my GF last night and was very upset, so I drank too much and overslept today. I had important meeting in the office and was running late. I picked up my clothes and was running to catch a taxi while changing but some Idiot threw a fridge at me from the third floor.
3rd patient had several fractures and came on stretcher, Doctors was really surprised and asked him about it.
He explained:- I am having an affair with a married woman and was having sex. But her husband came home early and she told me to hide in fridge..................

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f9lh9/hope_its_not_a_repost/
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62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville".

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f9i79/62_of_kentuckians_pronounce_their_state_capital/
%
What is it called when a hillbilly comes back to life?

Reintarnation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f9i41/what_is_it_called_when_a_hillbilly_comes_back_to/
%
My girlfriend starting crying tears of joy when I asked if she'd like to be in a foursome....

All I asked was "Will, you, Mary, me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f9fnk/my_girlfriend_starting_crying_tears_of_joy_when_i/
%
blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver

* **cop:** License please.
* **blonde:** What is a license?
* **cop:** it goes in your wallet, has a picture of you on it!
As the blonde driver digs through her purse, after a while she pulls an object out, looks at it for a second, smiles, says "Found it! Here you go officer!" and hands a mirror to the cop.
The cop takes off her aviators, looks in the mirror, rolls her eyes, and hands it back to the driver.
* **cop** If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f9fif/blonde_cop_pulls_over_a_blonde_driver/
%
For the win

A man received a call from the local TV-station. He had signed up for a contest a few days ago and now he was informed that he had been chosen as a potential winner. The price was $10000. The task was simple: reach the TV-station within 15 minutes to win the price. Having just lost his job and with no money for rent, the man felt maybe destiny was finally on his side. He ran out to his car and drove off towards the TV-station.
He had about 7 miles to go but he quickly realized that he was almost completely out of gas. He wouldn't make it without more gas. So he stopped at the gas station, filled a couple of gallons and rushed inside to pay. Stressed as he was he dropped his car key on the way out. It bounced on the ground and straight into a drain grate. For a minute he just stared at it, he could not believe his bad luck. Then he sat down on ground crying, feeling beaten and utterly hopeless. He would never get there in time.
He then got up, got into his car, drove to the TV-station and claimed his prize. A good thing he had despair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f9ezq/for_the_win/
%
My girlfriend kicked me out of the house.

It is because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impression but don't worry, I will return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f9djd/my_girlfriend_kicked_me_out_of_the_house/
%
Teacher: 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

*after a few seconds Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: 'Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?'
Little Johnny: 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f96nw/teacher_everyone_who_thinks_theyre_stupid_stand_up/
%
What do you call a grenade dropped in a church?

A weapon of Mass destruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f94h2/what_do_you_call_a_grenade_dropped_in_a_church/
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Does this dress make me look fat?

A man and his wife were getting dressed for an event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this  dress make my ass look fat?"
The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"
She says, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."
The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f93d8/does_this_dress_make_me_look_fat/
%
You should cut people born between June 21st and July 22nd out of your life...

They're Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8wik/you_should_cut_people_born_between_june_21st_and/
%
I asked a group of women if they found rape jokes funny. They all said "no!"

But deep down I knew they really meant "yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8w1d/i_asked_a_group_of_women_if_they_found_rape_jokes/
%
Hurricane Season

The husband was ready for the last major hurricane to threaten their home, but his wife was not.
When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, his wife was rooted to the spot.
She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable, with her nose pressed to the windowpane, the stark fear in her eyes will stay with him forever.
Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived and the winds temporarily lessened, he felt personally safe enough to open the door and let her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8vhc/hurricane_season/
%
I got up the courage to try the change machine at the laundromat today

But it must be out of order
my life is still the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8rdz/i_got_up_the_courage_to_try_the_change_machine_at/
%
I became a proud father today....

My son's 4 but he's been pretty annoying until now
Second edit: credit to an audience member at a Jimmy Carr show

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8r94/i_became_a_proud_father_today/
%
What do you call Iron Man without his armor?

Stark naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8q27/what_do_you_call_iron_man_without_his_armor/
%
Don't wait until you're on your death bed to tell people how you feel

You might be too weak to lift your middle finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8ms8/dont_wait_until_youre_on_your_death_bed_to_tell/
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My wife handed me a bag of clothes

She wanted me to donate it to the poor and hungry. When I threw it in the trash she got angry. I told her, any one that can fit in those clothes dosen't know hunger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8jdq/my_wife_handed_me_a_bag_of_clothes/
%
Why were the nun's worn clothes colorfast?

Because old habits dye hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8jbo/why_were_the_nuns_worn_clothes_colorfast/
%
Man walks into a fishmonger carrying a trout under his arm...

He asks the shopkeeper, “Do you sell fish cakes?”
Shopkeeper replies “Of course!”
Man says, “Thank god, it’s his birthday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8hvh/man_walks_into_a_fishmonger_carrying_a_trout/
%
Life is like a bowl of soup...

You only get blown if you’re hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8hn0/life_is_like_a_bowl_of_soup/
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A pianist was trying to be unique by lying down on the floor and playing the piano simultaneously during a concert.

Needless to say, he was flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8h26/a_pianist_was_trying_to_be_unique_by_lying_down/
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A guy walks into a bar, orders a few drinks and eventually starts talking about his married life to the bartender.

"I think I’m gonna  divorce my wife …… she ain’t spoke to me in over a month,” the guy says.  The bartender looks thoughtful, then replies, “Better think that over son,  women like that are hard to find.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8cec/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_orders_a_few_drinks_and/
%
The four rings of marriage.

The Engagement ring, the Wedding ring, Enduring and, Suffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8aoj/the_four_rings_of_marriage/
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If you never fell for any clickbait titles ...

... then this is your first time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f87e0/if_you_never_fell_for_any_clickbait_titles/
%
I'm getting tired of being viewed as a sex object.

At every store I go to the cashiers are checking me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f85vo/im_getting_tired_of_being_viewed_as_a_sex_object/
%
What do you call a pig with three eyes?

a piiig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f8361/what_do_you_call_a_pig_with_three_eyes/
%
My wife says she’s leaving me due to my obsession with porn,

I wish she would see it from my POV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f81zp/my_wife_says_shes_leaving_me_due_to_my_obsession/
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I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people...

... but none of them really work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7y77/i_have_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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Sometimes gonna get lucky tonight!

A woman has a pet parrot and every time she brings home a date the parrot says “Someone’s going to get lucky tonight!” The woman is embarrassed by this so she takes the parrot to the vet, she explains and the vet tells her the parrot is lonely and needs a mate. The woman then goes to the pet store and the only bird they have is an owl. The woman buys the owl in hopes it will work out. On her next date she brings the man home and the parrot says “Someone’s going to get lucky tonight!” The owl says “Who, who.” The parrot says “Certainly not you, you bug eyed bitch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7xmp/sometimes_gonna_get_lucky_tonight/
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What's a mathematician's favourite kind of boob?

Quantitties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7w1x/whats_a_mathematicians_favourite_kind_of_boob/
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In 3 years I lost 180lbs...

I told her to get the hell outta my house and never come back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7vpy/in_3_years_i_lost_180lbs/
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What's for Lunch??

Wife: Have you had your Lunch??
Husband: Have you had your Lunch??
Wife: I’m asking you??
Husband: I’m asking you??
Wife: Your copying me??
Husband: Your copying me??
Wife: Lets go grocery shopping.
Husband: I’ve had my lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7p2t/whats_for_lunch/
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What does a computer use to say bad words?

Its cursor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7o1l/what_does_a_computer_use_to_say_bad_words/
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Dentures

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs.
The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong exam room.''
The old women replies, ''You put in my husband's teeth last week,"
"Now you have to remove them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7inq/dentures/
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(Long) A clown on a tricycle is riding down the highway...

... when suddenly he comes across a hitch hiker.
"Where you off to on this glorious day, my man?" called the hitch hiker. The clown responds, "I'm going to Texas. They say an old lady named Edna makes an amazing fruit punch!" The hitch hiker is intrigued, so he decides to tag along.
Further down the highway, the pair come across Ted Cruz, his car broken down. "Hey there fellas, any chance you could lend a hand?" calls Cruz. The clown responds, "Sorry, I'd help, but I've no phone." "Neither do I," says the hitch hiker, "but even if we did, we're a little busy. We're heading down to Texas for this amazing fruit punch made by someone named Edna!" Curious, Ted Cruz tags along.
Further down the road, they find Jesus and the Bhudda sitting by the road having a philosophical discussion. As the group travels past, the pair notice. "Hello, my children," says Jesus. "Where are you heading to on this fine day?" asks the Bhudda. Ted Cruz says, "We're heading to Texas. Apparently a lady named Edna has an amazing fruit punch recipe and we're going down there to try it." Wishing for a drink, Jesus and the Bhudda decide to join the party.
So Jesus, the Bhudda, Ted Cruz, a hitch hiker and the clown on the tricycle finally reach Texas, and sure enough, they find the house of the lady named Edna, surrounded by numerous people. Trying to get a sense of order, the clown asks a man, "Excuse, where do we go to try some of Edna's amazing fruit punch?" The man replies, "Normally folks form a line at the door, but seems Edna's fallen ill, so she's not making any today."
The party responds, "Wait, so there's no punch line?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7igb/long_a_clown_on_a_tricycle_is_riding_down_the/
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A piece of string walks into a bar

The bar tender says “sorry we don’t serve you kind round here”
The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and walks back into the bar,
The bartender says “sorry aren’t you the same guy from before”
The string replies “I’m a frayed knot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7hd4/a_piece_of_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7fxh/some_people_think_sperm_just_magically_travels_to/
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What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7fq4/what_has_9_arms_and_sucks/
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I’ve been bored recently so I have decided to take up fencing.

The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7dqb/ive_been_bored_recently_so_i_have_decided_to_take/
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Did you hear about the guy that died from Viagra overdose?

They couldn’t close his coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7cwn/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_died_from_viagra/
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Have you heard the one about the parrot?

Have you heard the one about the parrot that memorized the entire Bible?
Yeah, appearently the bird is the word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7chd/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_parrot/
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Golf

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally,the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both            sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7bth/golf/
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Your mom so fat..

Her favorite necklace  is the food chain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f7a8l/your_mom_so_fat/
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Remember past mistakes and never trust the voters to make good decisions...

Southern Biscuits and Gravy was actually a finalist in the Lay's Chip Contest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f795p/remember_past_mistakes_and_never_trust_the_voters/
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Why don't Germans and Russians seem to get along?

Maybe because they're Poles apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f77x0/why_dont_germans_and_russians_seem_to_get_along/
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An old man is sitting in a bar

The bartender sees that he’s upset and asks what’s wrong.
The man replies, “you see that wall over there, it took me 4 years to build that wall but no one calls me John the wall builder.
“You see that boat in the harbor? It took me 6 years to build that boat, but no one calls me John the boat builder.
You see that house over on that hill? It took me 15 years to build that house, and no one calls me John the house builder.
You fuck just ONE goat...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f75wn/an_old_man_is_sitting_in_a_bar/
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What's Emperor Palpetine's favourite cheese?

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOUDA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f70g8/whats_emperor_palpetines_favourite_cheese/
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I can’t find my dictionary

I’m at a loss for words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f6yln/i_cant_find_my_dictionary/
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What do we want?

Hearing aides!
When do we want them?
Hearing aides!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f6t4r/what_do_we_want/
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What does the Little Mermaid put on before math class?

An Algebra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f6rug/what_does_the_little_mermaid_put_on_before_math/
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Thinking back I really think I had a chance with that deaf girl at the bar

She gave me all the signs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f6mqa/thinking_back_i_really_think_i_had_a_chance_with/
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A homeless man has a holiday

During a freezing winters day, a homeless man was sitting on a bench that would normally overlook a lake in the middle of a seaside city, however the lake had been covered with snow from the previous night. As he is sitting there, a small girl runs out onto the icy lake chasing her ball and the homeless man hears the lake ice start to crack so he gets up and runs across the lake, scoops the girl up and runs back, all without making a sound. As he gets back a man runs towards him wearing a very expensive coat. When the man gets there, he says to the homeless man “Thank you so much for saving my only daughter, I’m very rich and can give you any reward that you could dream off”. Despite the homeless man telling him that he doesn’t need any reward, he eventually gives in and says that all he wants is £10 as that used to be a lot of money when he was a child and he didn’t want to take too much from the man. The rich man is mildly interested as to why the homeless man would want so little and so asks why that is the case, “well you see” replied the homeless man “I’ve been having a stressful time recently, so I really fancy going on a holiday”. The rich man chuckled at this, told the homeless man that he might have a hard time finding a holiday for that cheap but still wished him the best of luck.
The next day, the homeless man still full of happiness at the thought of a holiday walked into the travel agent nearest to him, walked right up to one of the staff and told them “Hi, I’m here for a holiday.” After asking for the budget for the holiday, the worker starts to apologise to the homeless man telling him “Our company doesn’t currently have any holidays for only £10 however I can look out back in storage in case there are any old holidays that have been taken out of the system due to no one buying them” and so the worker went into the back to look for a holiday for the homeless man as he felt sorry for him. After half an hour of waiting, the worker finally returned red in the face from the search looking happy and clutching a paper file, he walked up to the homeless man and said to him “You’re in luck! We have one cruise holiday that is just in your budget, and luckily for you it just so happens to be on a luxury cruise liner! The only stipulation is that you meet the captain down by the port tomorrow at midnight.” The homeless man doesn’t care about the weird rule and is overjoyed at the thought of a holiday, he happily takes his ticket and starts to head towards the nearest dock.
The next night, at midnight, the homeless man walks down to the port and is greeted by the biggest boat that he has ever seen. The boat towers two hundred meters above him and stretches back at least four hundred meters, the sides were a shining white even in the dead of night with perfectly round windows lining the side at regular intervals. The homeless man is amazed at his good fortune the homeless man starts to walk towards the ship. As he got nearer he saw a man in full uniform standing next to the gangplank smoking, the light of the cigarette just illuminating the man’s face. When the homeless man reached him, the captain threw what was left of his cigarette into the water behind him and looked at the homeless man with a tired smile, he introduced himself as the captain of the giant ship behind him and after checking the homeless man’s ticket he invited him onto the ship.
Walking onto the deck of the ship, the homeless man looked down at the ground behind him and marvelled at just how small everything seemed from on top the deck. The two of them continued walking until they reached a door marked “cabins”, they walked through, and the homeless man was met with grandeur that he’d never seen before. In front of him was the first-class cabin hallway, it was as high as a double-decker bus and as wide as three, the floor was pure marble making a beautiful pattern all along the floor, the walls were a perfect white with gold detailing linking between genuine Van Gogh’s and painting from other famous artists that sat between each mahogany door to each cabin. Above then were gold chandeliers that made the tapestry on the ceiling flicker with the candle light. They continued down a flight of stairs to the second-class level which was equally as magnificent, the only change being that the hallway was just a little smaller and the paintings just a little less expensive.
This continued as they went down the ship, passing casinos, ball rooms, restaurants, and the crew quarters, getting less and less extravagant, until they finally reached the very lowest point of the ship. This corridor was small and dingy, only just big enough for the two men to walk besides each other. They walked until they reached a single door at which the captain stopped and opened it for the homeless man. Inside was a room only four by four meters wide. The only things in the room were a bed, a bedside table and an alarm clock. Turning to the homeless man, the captain explained “Since this cruise usually cost people so much, we can’t let the first-class passengers see you as they will want a refund and our company will lose everything. Due to this, you can only go out during the night which is what the alarm clock is for. All facilities are open to you during your stay however if you go out during the day you will have to leave us. I hope that you enjoy your cruise.” The homeless man didn’t care about the overall look, he was just happy to finally have a room to himself regardless of quality and so agreed.
For the next few days, the homeless man had the time of his life. Sleeping by day, up and around the boat by night – he loved every second. Go Karting, archery, rock climbing, more food than he had ever seen in his life, everything was perfect.
On night, around a week or so into his stay, he found a diving pool while strolling around so he decided to give it a try. He climbed up the ladder for the diving board, curled his toes over the side of the board, looked down and bounced. He flew high into the air, turned at the very apex of his jump and went into the water like an arrow, barely a ripple went out from where he entered. Unknown to the homeless man, the ship’s captain had been watching then entire time as he had grown fond of the homeless man and his endless happiness regardless of his circumstances. The captain came walking up to the homeless man as he was getting out of the water and voiced his amazement, “Bloody hell, that was brilliant, I’ve never seen anything like that before, where did you learn to dive like that?” the homeless man was a little shocked that he had been watched but quickly got over it, “Well that was my first time actually. I’ve never had the chance to dive before.” The captain thought for a second before finally saying “You know what, with a talent like that I think everyone should see it. How’s this for an idea, you carry on training to dive and we’ll put on a show for the passengers. We’ll even pay you to perform and you can live on this ship in a bigger cabin” the homeless man barely thinks for even a second before enthusiastically replying “it’s a deal” and then while still wearing the biggest smile he could possible produce he got back to diving.
Over the next few days, the homeless man trained relentlessly, learning all sorts of tricks like spinning, front flips, back flips, absolutely everything he could think of that people might like.
Eventually it got to the day, a massive diving board had been erected specially for the event reaching all the way into the heavens. The homeless man walked out into the waiting crowd, all displaying shock at a homeless person suddenly walking into their midst. The homeless man walks up to the ladder of the diving board and starts to climb up
and up, and up, and up, and higher, and higher, the ship below him growing smaller, and smaller, and smaller, past the clouds, past an airplane with people looking out the windows in shock, until finally, he reached the top. The homeless man goes to the end of the diving board, looks at the below him, takes a deep breath, springs, and jumps.
He performs a graceful arc then starts to fall
faster
and faster
and faster
the diving pool getting larger
and larger
the land getting closer and closer
he starter to do flips
front flips
back flips
spinning while falling
faster
and faster until straight into the pool without a ripple
straight through the bottom of the pool
straight through first class
straight through second class
straight through the casinos
straight through the crew quarters
straight through the engines
straight through his own little room
straight through the steel hull of the ship
going into the water bellow like a bullet
until
CRACK
straight into the rock of the seabed, drilling a 10-meter shaft in the process.
The homeless man struggled for air, his whole body screaming for it. He managed to just claw his way to the surface of the water to the deafening sound of applause from all those watching.
The captain threw the homeless man a lifebuoy and lifted the exhausted man back onto the boat before telling him “That was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen in my life, that was truly astonishing! But tell me, how did you manage to go through all of that and survive?”
The homeless man looks at the captain and gathers enough energy to tell him “Well you see, I’ve been a poor homeless man for all my life, and you must understand that I’ve been through many a hardship in my life.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f6k6w/a_homeless_man_has_a_holiday/
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Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f6ej5/worms/
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A bear and a rabbit

are both taking a shit in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit replies "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f6djw/a_bear_and_a_rabbit/
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Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.

He was Tolkien all the way through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f6bpr/why_did_the_lord_of_the_rings_author_get_kicked/
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The problem with political jokes is...

that they sometimes get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f64ty/the_problem_with_political_jokes_is/
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Two guys are playing a video game together.

1st guy: Hahaha, take that noob! I fuck your mom everyday!
2nd Guy: Please, stop...
1st guy: Sorry, son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f5zwi/two_guys_are_playing_a_video_game_together/
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How do hookers get paid?

Income.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f5xws/how_do_hookers_get_paid/
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What do you call a submissive dog?

A sub-woofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f5sy9/what_do_you_call_a_submissive_dog/
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A man is teaching his son to drive. NSFW

They both get in the car and the son starts to back it out of the garage. Before the dad has time to stop him, his son backs directly into his moms parked car.
Mom, inside, hears the crash and comes running out. "What happened?!"
The dad points at his son and says "it was all his fault"
The mom reply's with, "Well... how could you have prevented the accident?"
Dad looks directly at his son and says. "I guess I could have just pulled out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f5nib/a_man_is_teaching_his_son_to_drive_nsfw/
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Why would Prometheus make a good mailman?

Because he has a lot of experience with de-livering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f5lze/why_would_prometheus_make_a_good_mailman/
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A little boy is sitting on a porch with his grandpa, watching a worm in the dirt

He says to his grandpa "I'll bet you I can put that worm into that little hole in the ground".
The grandfather laughs him off, and says "nah, the hole is too small, and the worm too wriggly, there's no way to fit it in there".
The little boy smiles widely, and says "wanna bet $5"?
The grandfather agrees, and the boy runs into the house, returning with a can of hairspray. He then stretches the worm out, sprays it with the hairspray to make it stiff, and easily slides it into the tiny hole.
"Well I'll be..." The grandpa says as he hands the boy $5, then walks into the house.
A while later he returns, and hands the boy $5.
"Grandpa, you already paid me the $5..."
The grandpa smiles wide, "yeah, that $5 is from Grandma!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f5jps/a_little_boy_is_sitting_on_a_porch_with_his/
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Last night, I told my wife I couldn't warn her I'd be late, because I lost my phone.

She told me that she was fed up with my phoney excuses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f5i0t/last_night_i_told_my_wife_i_couldnt_warn_her_id/
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What do you call a neighbourhood full of idle novelists?

Writer's block.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f5hq1/what_do_you_call_a_neighbourhood_full_of_idle/
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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised seven men, but then dropped the microphone on his foot and said,
"Fuck me!"
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f5fpu/i_felt_sorry_for_the_hypnotist_i_saw_last_night/
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A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when....

...my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f5exn/a_couple_of_years_ago_one_night_i_was_about_to/
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I had a killer joke today but...

I kind of fucked up the execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f5914/i_had_a_killer_joke_today_but/
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How do you know a deaf person is vegan?

There will be a lot of signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f53i1/how_do_you_know_a_deaf_person_is_vegan/
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Grandma, I heard a vegan moved next door to you

Has it affected your life anyhow?
- Well, just to be clear, I want to let you know that I'm a grandma. But no, I don't think it has affected me. By the way, did I tell you I'm a grandma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f532n/grandma_i_heard_a_vegan_moved_next_door_to_you/
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I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine...

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f52i8/i_was_gutted_today_when_i_came_home_and_was_told/
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Dad, what is the difference between "in theory" and "in practice?"

A son asks a father what the difference between "in theory" and "in practice" was. His father replies "go ask your older sister, mother and grandmother whether they would fuck a man for 1 million dollars. The boy asks them. His sister replied "yes," his mother replied "yes" and his grandma replied "for much less even!" So the boy returns his survey data to his father and asks "how is this relevant to the question?" The father responds "it's a good example, you see in theory we have 3 million dollars, but in practice we have 3 whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f4s1k/dad_what_is_the_difference_between_in_theory_and/
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My girlfriend is like an iphone

I don't have an iphone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f4pz0/my_girlfriend_is_like_an_iphone/
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And this is my horse, Mayo

Mayo: *neighs*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f4ikv/and_this_is_my_horse_mayo/
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This horse and chicken have been good pals for a long time.

So there’s this horse and a chicken, they’ve been friends…good pals for a long time.  One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.  Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”  Horse explains “I’m eating a little food, a little hay…next thing you know I’m sinking in the mud.”
So what happens?  Chicken runs over to the farmer's house and gets the farmers BMW.  Now it’s an 850, all black, waxed to perfection, all leather interior – it’s fucking gorgeous.  Hops in it, drives back over, ties a rope to the car and pulls his friend to safety.  The horse is grateful and says “anytime you need me, I’ll be there."  So what happens?  About a month later, same thing only this time it’s the chicken sinking in a pit of mud.  Horse gallops over, sees his pal sinking in the mud, takes off to the farmer’s house but he can’t drive the BMW, runs back over, whips out his dick and the chicken climbs to safety.
Moral of the story – if you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f4gsm/this_horse_and_chicken_have_been_good_pals_for_a/
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Tinder is actually the opposite of a porn advertisement

There are actually tons of hot singles near me, but none of them are interested in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f4fzo/tinder_is_actually_the_opposite_of_a_porn/
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Heisenberg and Schroedinger we driving on the freeway

maybe going to a seminar, when they get pulled over by the CHP.  The cop comes around to the driver side and says to Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?"  And so Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was".  The cop scratches his head, and says, "Pop the trunk, I want to take a look".  He walks back, looks in and then walks around to the right side and says to Schroedinger, "Do you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?"  Schroedinger says, "I do now".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f4aya/heisenberg_and_schroedinger_we_driving_on_the/
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Family dinner

Son: I can't stand my father's guts
Mom: Just leave them on thr side of your plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f49vk/family_dinner/
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What’s the difference between 9/11 & that summer I worked as a roofer?

9/11 was an inside job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f477p/whats_the_difference_between_911_that_summer_i/
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When I die, I’m leaving my vintage meme collection to my son.

My will will simply say “you’re the man now, dog”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f4614/when_i_die_im_leaving_my_vintage_meme_collection/
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I just found out my credit Cards got stolen.

But I'm not going to report them, because the thief is using them less than my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f4126/i_just_found_out_my_credit_cards_got_stolen/
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What’s the difference between a priest and a zit.

A zit waits until you’re a teenager to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f401e/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_zit/
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The waitress brought me the wrong order at Texas Road House, and I told her it was a Miss Steak.

She shook her head, sighed, and told me, "Steak jokes are a rare medium well done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f3wa0/the_waitress_brought_me_the_wrong_order_at_texas/
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Do you have a vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow so I can be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f3vz6/do_you_have_a_vagina/
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I was addicted to the hokey pokey

But luckily I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f3pi9/i_was_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are whatching a street performer

The street performer notices that the men have a poor view of the performance, so he stands up on a wooden box and asks the gentlemen: "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes"
"Ouí"
"Sí"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f3om8/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not five. My basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f3nfd/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A women at a women’s right protest got mad at me because I told her that “women sometimes can’t do the jobs that men can do”

She then got her boyfriend to beat me up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f3hci/a_women_at_a_womens_right_protest_got_mad_at_me/
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Teacher asks her students to name medicines they know and state their uses.

Little Susan stands and says, "PANADOL"
Teacher: Used for?
Susan: I think headache
Teacher: Good
Musa: PIRITON
Teacher: used for?
Musa: Helps in sleeping..
Teacher: Excellent!!
Little Johnny (stands confidently): VIAGRA
Teacher (nearly falls off her chair, shocked): What for???
Johny: I think Diarrhea
Teacher: Who told you that?
Johnny: Everynight my mom tells Dad, "Take two VIAGRA Pills and maybe that little Shit will get harder tonight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f3hba/teacher_asks_her_students_to_name_medicines_they/
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My girlfriend.

My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her.
It may come across as judgmental, but really, I’ve only ever known and loved her as Christine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f39ev/my_girlfriend/
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What is one of the longest living species of beetle?

Paul McCartney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f36bj/what_is_one_of_the_longest_living_species_of/
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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.  At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs.  After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.
While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow
morning, they'll be pregnant.  If they're lying in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.
The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon.  And one of them is honking the horn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f34sl/a_farmer_had_5_female_pigs_but_times_were_hard/
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How do you piss off a female archaeologist?

Hand her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f320q/how_do_you_piss_off_a_female_archaeologist/
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Why don’t vegans/vegetarians moan during sex?

They don’t wanna show that they’re loving the meat inside them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f31hv/why_dont_vegansvegetarians_moan_during_sex/
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My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus.

It was terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f2z60/my_buddy_gave_me_a_terrible_thesaurus/
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My wife stated that her asshole was getting bigger...

I said: "Calling me names is really discouraging to me losing weight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f2ydx/my_wife_stated_that_her_asshole_was_getting_bigger/
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Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"
The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f2rsj/three_blondes_were_taking_a_walk_in_the_country/
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3 Men go to Heaven

. There, they see a huge wonderland, with trees, flowers, and beautiful wild animals. Before they're allowed in, God explains to them the one rule- don't step on the rocks. The three men are confused but happily accept this.
On the first day, two of them wake up to the other screaming! To their surprise, he's strapped to the ugliest women they've ever seen. She is covered in warts and moles, her under arms were drenched in sweat, and the teeth she had left were yellow and black! Horrified, they ask him what happened. "Well, I was going outside for a morning run, and I guess I stepped on a rock! I can't believe this!" "That's terrible!" Said the other, "We better be careful out there."
Late that night, he enters through the door of their house, tears in his eyes. He had been chained to a woman with a beard, crossed eyes, and an awful scent of moldy cheese. They ask him what happened, and he responded, "I stepped on a rock. I hate this."
The other took this as a reminder to be very careful not to step on any rocks. The next day, the man comes home with a huge smile on his face. The others are baffled. A beautiful model had been strapped to him! The others asked him what happened in amazement. "I don't know! This is insane!" The model then chimes in, "I know what happened. I stepped on a rock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f2rod/3_men_go_to_heaven/
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There was a one eyed teacher at my school

He was fired for only having one good pupil throughout his 6 year career

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f2qbk/there_was_a_one_eyed_teacher_at_my_school/
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Did you hear about the lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalottapus lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f2q8f/did_you_hear_about_the_lesbian_dinosaur/
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Why don’t blind people go skydiving?

It scares their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f2njf/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
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50 years of the worst sex

An old married couple were driving down the road one day when suddenly the woman punched her husband right in the face.
He shouted, "What the hell was that for?".
She replied, "That was for 50 years of the worst sex I ever had!"
As they continued down the road, suddenly the man hit his wife square in the face.
She turned to him and said, "What was that for?"
He said, "That, was for knowing the difference."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f2kki/50_years_of_the_worst_sex/
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"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are synonyms

Unless you're at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f2bh0/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_are_synonyms/
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Two friends are talking to each other, and one says to the other,

"I've been kinda worried about you man, you're kinda in a slump right now, you seem kinda depressed. I don't want you to kill yourself or anything."
The other looked at him in a state of shock, and said,
"You're a great friend, but you don't have to worry about me, suicide'll be the last thing I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f2838/two_friends_are_talking_to_each_other_and_one/
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I heard that someone dropped their scrabble letters on the ground

At least... that’s the word on the street

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f27kd/i_heard_that_someone_dropped_their_scrabble/
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Which fruit is a vampire's favorite?

Neck-tarine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f23gz/which_fruit_is_a_vampires_favorite/
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What do mathematicians get at the DMV?

A deriver’s license.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f21kh/what_do_mathematicians_get_at_the_dmv/
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At a hotel, a man sees an attractive lady...

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he catches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"that was so embarrassing" she says and she pops her eye back into place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, will you let me buy you dinner to make it up to you?" He nods
Turns out, the lady is a stimulating conversationalist, and the man finds out that in fact, they have a lot in common.
He gets her phone number and asks " you are the most charming woman I've ever met. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"no" she replies.
"You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f210u/at_a_hotel_a_man_sees_an_attractive_lady/
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Case of water - $3.99

Case of Apples - $20.99
Case of Oranges - $25.99
Bag of chips - $2.50
Cigarettes - $8.99
Box of candles - $4.50
Frozen pizzas - $6.50
Asking for a quote of these items - Price List

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f2050/case_of_water_399/
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An obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist...

An Obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist...
He's in the lobby for an hour before the doc calls him in.
Doc: I apologize for your wait.
Man: Don't, *I'm* the one that can't stop eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f1z66/an_obese_man_wants_to_lose_a_few_pounds_goes_to/
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Jello has created a product that deters insects.

It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f1y01/jello_has_created_a_product_that_deters_insects/
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Time is like a river [long]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f1vj5/time_is_like_a_river_long/
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A warden asks an inmate if he could have anything, what he would like to eat for his last meal before his execution

Inmate: Your wife's pussy
Warden: Asshole ...
[yells at guard] CALL MY HUSBAND! This fucker thought he was funny, and didn't know I was gay.
*turns back to inmate*
It'll be an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f1rwz/a_warden_asks_an_inmate_if_he_could_have_anything/
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My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f1nn8/my_kids_got_pissed_at_me_for_cooking_pancakes/
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I gave my buddy, Steve, a glue stick instead of chapstick...

...he’s not currently speaking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f1lqv/i_gave_my_buddy_steve_a_glue_stick_instead_of/
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The inventor of the USB died today.

They lowered his coffin,
raised it back out,
flipped it over,
lowered it again,
raised it back out,
flipped it over again,
then lowered it down again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f1jep/the_inventor_of_the_usb_died_today/
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A huge earthquake shook Mexico

Around 3000 people died.
The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.
England gave medicine.
France sent food.
Germany made huge donations.
USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f1dwh/a_huge_earthquake_shook_mexico/
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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f1csu/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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Which four words can give you an Irish accent?

Whale
oil
beef
hooked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f1cor/which_four_words_can_give_you_an_irish_accent/
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I run a business where I give customers watches at no cost.

Needless to say, there's a lot of free time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f1ci4/i_run_a_business_where_i_give_customers_watches/
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Why don't Vegans breastfeed their newborns?

Because nobody will have sex with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f1bx5/why_dont_vegans_breastfeed_their_newborns/
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Person 1: For the last time, it's not "reverse gravity", it's called BUOYANCY

Person 2: *shrugs* Whatever floats your boat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f1bgf/person_1_for_the_last_time_its_not_reverse/
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Reload

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis
His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.
"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f1at4/reload/
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A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.
He replies, “They had avocados.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f18bx/a_wife_asks_her_husband_could_you_please_go/
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Geology rocks,

But geography is where it’s at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f16va/geology_rocks/
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Recruiter: "what's your biggest weakness?"

"I don't know when to quit."
"You are hired!"
"I quit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f16rf/recruiter_whats_your_biggest_weakness/
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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the fuck was THAT?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f16r7/an_outofwork_actor_gets_a_call_from_his_agent_one/
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When my daughter said she wanted a place in the sun...

I didn't realise she meant page 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f157r/when_my_daughter_said_she_wanted_a_place_in_the/
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My mum got my report card and said “I’m not very happy”. I said “okay”. She said “I need more A’s”.

I said “Okaaaaaay”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f150q/my_mum_got_my_report_card_and_said_im_not_very/
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A boy sees his dad's car being stolen

In panic, he calls his dad to tell about the event:
-Dad, I just saw someone stealing your car!
-What?! Did you see the person's face?
-No, but I took a picture of the license plate number!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f14um/a_boy_sees_his_dads_car_being_stolen/
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f138t/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
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My Grandpa has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f12pe/my_grandpa_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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I gave a neural network a jokes dataset and it came up with these jokes

I checked to make sure none of them were in the dataset already, fixed the grammer a tiny bit on a few (but kept the meaning intact), and filtered away many that didn't make sense. Here are the most coherent ones I found (to be clear, these jokes don't represent my opinion and I don't endorse them, but my neural network worked hard to make them so I figured I should share :) )
Sorta clean ones:
* What do you call a cow who has a baby at the bar? A pirate says I can tell you. I did't hear.  I'm not sorry.
* I wanted to see twitter, but it was just a bird trying to sell me stuff...
* Why is Star Wars such a game of printers? They were all too far gone after a lot of pregnant weddings.
* What is the difference between Jesus and a pirate with a carrot? Ten tickets.......
* How do you get a pic of three terrible people? A: Bring harambe too.
* What did the polar seal say to the banana? Haram!    \[note by me: the spelling of haram here means "forbidden by Islamic law"\]
* I went to some shoes and said: I can't think this isn't a little baby on the street. It was my son.
* A man walks into a bar and says, I've got a bottle of programmer. The bartender says, I'm gonna be stuck up this morning solving his problem
* Why doesn't the chicken cross the road? To stop singing and change the world, it should have been the show to get the ball in the field.
* I was going to put my pants in the fridge and, I'm done now.
* When I was a book on a banana with a pizza, I was stuck in her head, and said, I don't have any politicians
* sex with a sex is a pretty bad thing
* If your breakfast stops talking, you're a police chicken. I'm sorry to see it with me and shot myself, it was so stupid.
* What did the cow say to the other weed? I don't have a shot. It's about time to start the oven. The shower, she said I'm gonna get a shot in the field.
* How do you get a book in a boat? A: The pair of shoes.
* How many cows does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one to change and one to change it and shake.
* The prisoner is a long leg that says to me "you're all stupid. next time you see an arm it is the back of the world"
* Two men walk into a bar... The bartender says.. Wow!! I don't want to help you!
It had a lot of jokes about constipation:
* What did the chicken say to the constipation? How can I go to a bar?
* How many constipated people does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one
* Twitter, what happened to the constipation? He was a superman... Twitter: He wardened her friend to his wife with his family.
* What do you call the part of the bar that has a bunch of chicken constipations and a cow? A shower.
Probably NSFW ones (some are just rude and some are vauge that might be NSFW but I'm not sure. I don't know what my neural network has against pilots):
* I'm so fun, the people who stole my doors to try to stop me masturbating still caught me.
* How many police does it take to marry a light bulb? Two. One to screw in an elephant.
* Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away the prostitute that wanted to stop messing a box of potatoes.
* What happens when you put a ban of society on earth for a car? You get a condom to seal an engineer.
* I work in a bar and sometimes I saw him. The man that said he wouldn't be an elevator on the clothes.
* What's a person's favorite condom? A pilot.
* What do you call a blind man with a bird? A pilot.
* Why do pilots have sex? Because it's too far to go to the bathroom.
* Why do people spend all their seconds in the mall making the super balls? Because they need to be a little bigger
* Women are like a princess person. The boss is a condom.
* I was sitting in a bar and asked the doctor... I don't know, I was tripping out.
* How many fire does it take to change a light bulb? Well, they both have sex..... They're all too fun to put out...
* What did Jack Caser do? Him: I'm a pregnant party.
* What's the difference between priests and the marine? They both have sex with a polar bear.
* What does a pizza and a pizza do? They both have sex with a little bit of the comments
* Why do they have a picture of their penis? Because they're going to be a programmer or a terrorist..
* When I was a great penis, I wouldn't see my friends. I had to pay them to their hands and wait... I didn't have to be the woman.. ... because I won't start going to see if it said they're also starting.
* Mod: I had a sex, then a car with a stranger said they want their body today. Then the sex says I have to get the most bread.
* I hate going to stay in a restaurant as the wheelchair to see you say that she's great to be a prostitute. That's wrong.
* How many people does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change a lightbulb and one to pull out and say he won't hide him and says, Why? I'm sorry for the sex.
* A man asks, Do you want to be seen as a picture to the world? The penis says, I don't know. I don't know, I don't hear a lot like my way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f11ry/i_gave_a_neural_network_a_jokes_dataset_and_it/
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My girlfriend introduced our new baby to my friends.

"Look at those chubby cheeks and bald head," they said.
I said, "Thanks, but we're here to talk about the baby."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0x0q/my_girlfriend_introduced_our_new_baby_to_my/
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Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

Because you'll get jurasskicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0ukm/why_should_you_never_fight_a_dinosaur/
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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust, become their confidant. And when they least expect it, BAAM!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0toi/one_day_ill_pretend_to_be_gay_ill_make_lots_of/
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My wife appears to have had her identity stolen.

Some woman at the mall just parked really badly and had a go at me like it was my fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0tm9/my_wife_appears_to_have_had_her_identity_stolen/
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Why does Trump use his hands to do math?

Because he heard It's the little things that count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0ta2/why_does_trump_use_his_hands_to_do_math/
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A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0t4e/a_recent_scientific_study_revealed_that_women/
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A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver

The cop tells the driver "License please."
"What is a license?" the driver answers.
The cop replies "it goes in your wallet, has a picture of you on it..."
As the blonde driver digs through her purse, after a while she pulls an object out, looks at it for a second, smiles, says "Found it! Here you go officer!" and hands a mirror to the cop.
The cop takes off her aviators, looks in the mirror, rolls her eyes, and hands it back to the driver.
"If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0re2/a_blonde_cop_pulls_over_a_blonde_driver/
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I just walked past the Bulimics Club.

The place was heaving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0r7a/i_just_walked_past_the_bulimics_club/
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I hate people who can’t let go of the past

Debt collectors are the worst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0qkh/i_hate_people_who_cant_let_go_of_the_past/
%
I tried to grab the fog

I mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0pyz/i_tried_to_grab_the_fog/
%
Fat people are lucky

They get to eat whatever they want and not worry about getting fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0o8y/fat_people_are_lucky/
%
A farmer buys a new rooster to replace his old rooster

The new cocky rooster arrives and proclaims "stand aside old man, you're done! I'm in charge here".
The old rooster replies, "I may be done, but the rule here is; whoever wins a race around this farm is the one who will be in charge"!
The young rooster agrees knowing he will win  easily.
"But, seeing as I am so old, I get a head start" says the old rooster.
The youngster, still knowing he will win, again agrees.
On the count of 3 the race starts, the old rooster 10 meters ahead.
The old rooster starts well, but the young one starts to close the gap around half way.
It is coming to the end of the race, and just as the young rooster catches the old one,
BANG!!
The farmer shoots the young rooster stone dead.
"That's the fourth gay rooster i'v bought this month!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0kiy/a_farmer_buys_a_new_rooster_to_replace_his_old/
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I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to try Anal

Her: "Fuck that shit"
Me: "That's the spirit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0jsj/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_she_wanted_to_try_anal/
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“Yoda, are you sure we are going in the right direction?”

Yoda: Off course we are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0jgq/yoda_are_you_sure_we_are_going_in_the_right/
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Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0i2t/just_been_to_get_a_loaf_of_bread_at_a_cost_of_103/
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Apparently

I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0h5k/apparently/
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A preist, a paedophile, a tax evader and a rapist walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f0a4e/a_preist_a_paedophile_a_tax_evader_and_a_rapist/
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A blonde lady motorist was two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo
for me? I'll give you 100$ for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd. With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded. "I gave you a hundred dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over--so we went to the movies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9f04dk/a_blonde_lady_motorist_was_two_hours_from_san/
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A man walks into a fishmonger with a trout under his arm...

He asks the shopkeeper,
“Do you sell fish cakes?”
Shopkeeper replies “Of course!”
Man says,
“Thank god, it’s his birthday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ezzjo/a_man_walks_into_a_fishmonger_with_a_trout_under/
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Those are lovely earrings . . .

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots beautiful diamond earrings and walks over to inspect them. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.  Vool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, “What is the price of these lovely earrings?”
He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at them, you’re going to crap yourself when I tell you the price!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ezvma/those_are_lovely_earrings/
%
How does Snoop organize his weed?

In chronic-logical order

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ezs6t/how_does_snoop_organize_his_weed/
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

“Oh sheet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ezp03/what_did_the_blanket_say_as_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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All of the flags on the moon have been bleached white by the radiation from the sun..

.. making it officially French territory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ezmkv/all_of_the_flags_on_the_moon_have_been_bleached/
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I went to the dentist and he asked me when was the last time I flossed...

I replied with "Don't you remember, bro? You were there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ezjca/i_went_to_the_dentist_and_he_asked_me_when_was/
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A mother, father, and their young son are sitting on the couch watching tv

The boy is eating some yogurt, and his mom asks him how he likes it. He replies “it’s fucking great you moron”.
The mom is very upset so she looks at her husband and asks “where do you think he got that from?”, and he replies “from the fucking fridge, moron”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ezfnm/a_mother_father_and_their_young_son_are_sitting/
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Well, well, well.

If it isn’t an underground source of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ezetn/well_well_well/
%
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ezcpo/ive_realized_that_suicide_would_solve_all_my/
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I thought that people asking me what my body count is were asking how many people I've killed, not how many people I've had sex with;

Now everyone thinks I'm some sort of nymphomaniac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ezbdi/i_thought_that_people_asking_me_what_my_body/
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Anatomically correct

So,  these two sperm are swimming along, side by side, when one of the sperm turns to the other and says:
“damn, how much farther is it to the Fallopian tubes, I am getting tired!”
The second sperm replies:
“Oh, we have a long ways to go yet, those were her tonsils that we just passed”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ez78t/anatomically_correct/
%
I dig..

You dig...
We dig...
She dig...
He dig...
They dig...
Thats not a very good poem but its pretty deep
Cerdit : ZFCyanide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ez6nl/i_dig/
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ez4ok/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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I thought I could see two years into the future

Turns out I just have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ez2ti/i_thought_i_could_see_two_years_into_the_future/
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Just found out my wife's credit card was stolen! They are spending it all on jewellery and casinos!

But I wouldn't report it because they are spending less than my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eyzkn/just_found_out_my_wifes_credit_card_was_stolen/
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The bartender says "we don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eyxz8/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers/
%
You're sitting at home when all of a sudden

There's a knock at the door.
You open the door.
It's a bathroom sink...
Let that sink in..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eyxfy/youre_sitting_at_home_when_all_of_a_sudden/
%
Why does Donald Trump take xanax?

To prevent hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eyqlo/why_does_donald_trump_take_xanax/
%
On a street corner a man held a sign saying, "SEE THE TALKING DOG. $5"

A woman approached him and asked if the dog could really talk.
"Yes indeed!" replied the owner. The woman handed over $5, and the owner began asking his dog questions.
"Okay, boy. How does sandpaper feel?"
"Rough!" answered the dog.
The owner then asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!" answered the dog.
The woman snatched back her $5 and complained, "This is such a scam!" and stormed off.
The dog turned to his owner and said, "Should I have said Joe DiMaggio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eyn7i/on_a_street_corner_a_man_held_a_sign_saying_see/
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A couple of hunters are out in the woods ...

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. The other whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps out to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
\[Not original but guess I some haven't laughed at this\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eymz2/a_couple_of_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods/
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Girls want many things from a guy

But guys want only one thing from many girls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eylyf/girls_want_many_things_from_a_guy/
%
Why did Spider-Man go to the hospital?

Because he didn’t feel so good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eyldp/why_did_spiderman_go_to_the_hospital/
%
Why did Thor leave the hospital after he lost all his powers?

Because he was discharged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eyjzy/why_did_thor_leave_the_hospital_after_he_lost_all/
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*cop pulls over a driver*

Cop: Who's car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: Mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eyjwn/cop_pulls_over_a_driver/
%
If I had $5 for every time I failed a math test

I would have $37

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eyfod/if_i_had_5_for_every_time_i_failed_a_math_test/
%
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ey8qk/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
You could say that I've been blessed with green fingers

Or you could say I pick my nose far too much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ey7gd/you_could_say_that_ive_been_blessed_with_green/
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A traveller has dinner at a monastery.

A traveller was walking through the mountains when he came across a great monastery, he was far from a town and so knocked on it's doors seeking shelter.
A monk came out and greeted him and the traveller asked for a place to stay for the night.
"Certainly" replied the monk "But first, we would like you to join us for our evening meal"
So the traveller sat down in the dining hall with all the other monks and ate their humble meal with them. But as soon as they were done one of the monks stood up and said "Fifteen", at this all the other monks had a small chuckle. Then another monk stood up and said "Twenty Three" and again there was a small laugh amongst the monks.
Confused, the traveller asked the monk next to him "What's going on? Why are you laughing at numbers". The monk replied "Well, we don't get many new jokes here and we've all heard them all, so to save time we just numbered them all and then we remember the joke when the number is said".
Intruiged, the traveller asked if he could have a go and the monk agreed. And so the traveller stood up and said "Erm... Two Hundred and Sixty Seven"... Dead Silence. Every head turned towards the traveller, and lingered for a moment. Then the lead monk  began to laugh a little bit, and then another monk and another and before long the whole room was in an uproar of laughter that lasted for 5 minutes straight.
The man asked the monk next to him "What's so funny?"
The monk replied inbetween laughs "They hadn't heard that one before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ey5rf/a_traveller_has_dinner_at_a_monastery/
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A mod at /r/winemaking dies.

Over at /r/winemaking, the mod died and the admins wanted to replace him with a winetaster. A blind drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. Fearing potential community backlash, the admin of the subreddit wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
Drunkard: “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
Admin: "That's correct, have another glass...”
Drunkard: “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
Admin: "Correct, what about this third glass?”
Drunkard: "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,''
The admin was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The blind alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ey4yg/a_mod_at_rwinemaking_dies/
%
I lost my watch, but I didn’t get chance to look for it…

I just couldn’t find the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ey0p8/i_lost_my_watch_but_i_didnt_get_chance_to_look/
%
I thought about quitting masturbating for good.

But, ultimately, I decided to just get a grip. Despite all the ups and downs, I'm just not prepared for anything to get out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9exuoq/i_thought_about_quitting_masturbating_for_good/
%
My friend told me there is a gay guy in our circle of friends...

I really hope its Todd, he's cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9exube/my_friend_told_me_there_is_a_gay_guy_in_our/
%
Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?
Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ext08/doctor_how_can_i_live_100_years/
%
I made a friend who liked model ships.

I sent him a secondhand model that I found at a garage sale along with my phone number. He texted me soon after:
“Hey man, it’s Jesus. You sent me a model ship and I really appreciate it but it’s missing a part.”
“Is it the steering wheel?”
“Actually yeah. How did you know?”
“It fell out of the box but I didn’t want to bother you with an envelope containing only the wheel. I’ll come deliver it to you if that’s okay.”
“No, man, it’s one part, you don’t have to!”
“Jesus, take the wheel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9exqap/i_made_a_friend_who_liked_model_ships/
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THE ETERNAL OPTIMIST

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.
Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''
And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''
Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''
Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''
Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9exnff/the_eternal_optimist/
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THE DOCTOR'S CONVENTION

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9exkjs/the_doctors_convention/
%
A blond man walks into a bar

He sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself, so he goes over to introduce himself.
"Hello miss, my name is Billy. Can I buy you a drink?"
She says, "I'm Amanda."
The man says, "Oh, I'm sorry to bother you, sir." and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9exhbo/a_blond_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What does pennywise have in common with my wife?

*They both took the fucking kids*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9exfza/what_does_pennywise_have_in_common_with_my_wife/
%
My wife said, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

"No it doesn't." I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9exel6/my_wife_said_nothing_rhymes_with_orange/
%
Without the Arabs, we wouldn't have 9/11

We would have IX/XI instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9exdqj/without_the_arabs_we_wouldnt_have_911/
%
New Conspiracy Theory about 9/11

So, if you convert 9/11 into a decimal, you get 0.8181818181818181818181818181.... going on forever. What's the eighth letter of the alphabet? H. What's the first letter of the alphabet? A. That's right, ladies and germs. The Joker did 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9exd73/new_conspiracy_theory_about_911/
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What does a rusty can of spray-on rust remover smell like?

Irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9exa52/what_does_a_rusty_can_of_sprayon_rust_remover/
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Favorite sex pose

3 whores arguing witch pose they like more.
1: I love dogystyle and when they slap me in the ass.
2: I like 69 when we suck each other.
3: Well I like"Rodeo"
The other 2 interrupt her and ask did she mean cowboy when she ride him, and she replies.
-No, it's rodeo when, U sit on him tell him that u're HIV positive and must stay on him for 12 seconds.
And bonus in the comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ex9ap/favorite_sex_pose/
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Why doesn’t Sigmund Freud swear?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ex85r/why_doesnt_sigmund_freud_swear/
%
What do you do when an elephant has three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ex541/what_do_you_do_when_an_elephant_has_three_balls/
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Stairways in Heaven

A man dies and is standing at the gates of Heaven when he notices a beautiful woman standing beside a ladder. She calls out to him. "Come with me through the gate and we will spend eternity together in romantic bliss, or you can climb the ladder to success." The man, reflected on his life and, as beautiful as the woman was, he choose to maintain his integrity and climb the ladder.
Eventually he comes to another level of heaven to find a stunningly gorgeous set of twins who approach him with lust in their eyes. "Come with us and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his he remembers the pride he had in his life’s achievements and chooses this greater calling climbing the ladder higher.
Soon he comes upon a lavish palace filled with all the measures of prosperity and success on Earth.  A sweet woman approaches, points to the ladder and says he can climb one last level to success, or he can remain  here. She offers her hand in a perfect and eternal marriage in heaven. He feels an instant attraction, is overwhelmed with emotion and struggles to imagine anything more perfect. Yet there is the ladder... one more level... he chooses to climb.
At the uppermost level he sees an elderly man lounging on a throne.
"Are you God?" the man asks.
"No," the old man replies. "I'm Cess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ex39s/stairways_in_heaven/
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Love Dress

A mother stopped by unexpectedly at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked.
“What are you doing?!” she asked.
“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? You’re naked!”
“Jeff loves when I wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”
On the way home, the mother-in-law thought about the love dress. When she got home, she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress,” she replied.
“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ex0hn/love_dress/
%
'So how did the fight with your wife end last night?'

'She came to me on her knees!'
'Oh yeah, and what did she say?'
'Come out, you can't stay under the table forever, coward!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ewzo2/so_how_did_the_fight_with_your_wife_end_last_night/
%
Why do French people eat snails?

Because they are afraid of Fast Food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ewwek/why_do_french_people_eat_snails/
%
If Jackie Chan ever dies, will he go to hell?

No. There's no Chans in hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ewvoc/if_jackie_chan_ever_dies_will_he_go_to_hell/
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Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ewv28/mail/
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We'll We'll We'll

If it isn't autocorrect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ewrde/well_well_well/
%
Bear Alert!

Montana Grizzly Bear Notice:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle the bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains a lot of berry seeds and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ewqbz/bear_alert/
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One man's life mission

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ewpu4/one_mans_life_mission/
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Just a Dad Joke

Wife:Hey Honey, I’m Pregnant
Husband:Hey Pregnant, I’m Dad
Wife:No you’re not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ewoel/just_a_dad_joke/
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What does an elephant do on 9/11?

Never forgets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ewhel/what_does_an_elephant_do_on_911/
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After a long fight we finally buried our grandmother last week

She was furious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ewe44/after_a_long_fight_we_finally_buried_our/
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How do you make "Holy water"?

You take some normal water and boil "the hell" out of it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ew92f/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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Why was eight afraid of seven

Because seven was a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ew8tg/why_was_eight_afraid_of_seven/
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Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ew562/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.

Now I am good at everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ew42s/i_used_to_play_sports_then_i_realized_you_can_buy/
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9/11 jokes aren't funny

The other 2/11 are quite good though!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ew12q/911_jokes_arent_funny/
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Have you heard about the new sequel for the exorcist?

A Woman hires the Devil to get a Priest out of her Son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9evwzq/have_you_heard_about_the_new_sequel_for_the/
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*nervously plays with tie* "I'm sorry. I'm no good during job interviews."

"That's ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9evuvz/nervously_plays_with_tie_im_sorry_im_no_good/
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Newton walks into a bar

The bar walks into Newton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9evql0/newton_walks_into_a_bar/
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I admire people who analyze stool samples

They really know their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9evn7f/i_admire_people_who_analyze_stool_samples/
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Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9evk1f/why_did_thor_lose_his_lightning_powers/
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9evjb0/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_and_500/
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My friends told me there’s a gay guy in our circle...

...I really hope it’s Todd,he’s very cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9evgvt/my_friends_told_me_theres_a_gay_guy_in_our_circle/
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My local police station were looking for a rapist

I gave them my resume but they didn't accept me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9evdi3/my_local_police_station_were_looking_for_a_rapist/
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What's Taliban's favorite football team?

The New York Jets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9evbno/whats_talibans_favorite_football_team/
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I don’t usually tell dad jokes

But, he always laughs when I do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9evat0/i_dont_usually_tell_dad_jokes/
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What’s the worst part about having Alzheimer’s?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ev5mf/whats_the_worst_part_about_having_alzheimers/
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Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college

I don't think I could ever repay you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ev22d/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/
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Which fruit defends their clients in the juridical system?

The advocato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9euz9e/which_fruit_defends_their_clients_in_the/
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I keep forgetting what "Armageddon" means.

Oh well. It's not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9euyhd/i_keep_forgetting_what_armageddon_means/
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The twin towers are like genders

There used to be two of them but now they're just a sensitive topic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9euy80/the_twin_towers_are_like_genders/
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There was once a toilet paper thief.

He would have been arrested, but he was let go because he did not steal one particular brand. He got off Scott-free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9euwvp/there_was_once_a_toilet_paper_thief/
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Science builds planes and skyscrapers

##
but faith brings them together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eutea/science_builds_planes_and_skyscrapers/
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A salesman is being trained on his first day at Walmart

, and his mentor is teaching him how to upsell.  A customer walks in and asks where he can find a new blade for his lawnmower.  The mentor says, “No one sells that kind of blade anymore so you might as well buy a new lawnmower, but fortunately we have a sale.”  The customer buys a new mower and walks out.  The mentor says, “See how easy it is?  You take the next guy.”
The next customer walks in and he asks, “Where can I find tampons?  My wife ran out.”  The salesman says, “Aisle 8.  By the way, we have a sale on lawnmowers.  Do you want to buy one?”  The customer asks, “I came in for tampons.  Why would you ask me about a lawnmower?”  The salesman says, “Since your weekend is shot, you might as well mow the lawn.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9euph2/a_salesman_is_being_trained_on_his_first_day_at/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and Coke...

The bartender says to the man "sorry, but is Pepsi okay?"
The man, having had a long day at work and needing a drink decided not to be picky
"Sure, why not" he said, then paid for his drink
The bartender fixed up the drink and handed it over
"Here you go," he said, "Pepsi and Coke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eujnx/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_rum_and_coke/
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The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around

so they wanted to get rid of some of them. To go about this, they decided to offer $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body that they wanted measured. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from the top of his head to his toes. He was 69 inches, so he received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger on one arm, to the tip of his finger on the other. It was 80 inches, so he received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally it was the elderly Marine generals turn to step up for his measurement. “I want to be measured from the tip of my dick to the back end of my ball sack” he said. The man in charge of the measurements replied, "Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?" No, said the general. "Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively. Are you absolutely sure you don’t want to reconsider?" The general said, "Just do it!" So the man dropped the general's pants and began measured his dick starting at the tip. As he reached further back for the general’s balls, he noticed they were completely missing. The man said, "Sir, you do not appear to have any balls". With a satisfied grin the marine said, "That’s right, now get on a plane to Vietnam and finish that measurement!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9euil1/the_pentagon_said_they_had_too_many_generals/
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A cow stumbles into a marijuana field

The steaks have never been higher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9euhfn/a_cow_stumbles_into_a_marijuana_field/
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What’s the difference between 9/11 and a cow.

You can’t milk a cow for 17 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eu9nf/whats_the_difference_between_911_and_a_cow/
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On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eu61k/on_a_river_rafting_trip_in_egypt_a_couple_began/
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Ethiopian and French ministers of transport

The Ethiopian minister of transport visits the French minister of transport for a diplomatic and trade mission. The French minister invites the African diplomat to his house for a formal dinner and the African minister is astonished to see how big his homologue’s house is. He asks him:
“You are simply a politician, how can you afford such a huge house?”
The French minister says to him:
“Come to the window and see”
He points at a highway that can be seen from the house and says:
“Do you see that highway?” The African minister nods his head, “You see, the French government gives me a set amount of money to build the highway and I put the strict minimum into the highway and keep the rest to myself”
The Ethiopian minister is very impressed. A few months pass and he decides to invite the French minister to his place this time. The French politician is speechless when he lays eyes onto the African minister’s house saying:
“You claimed my house was big, you have a castle!! How did you do it???”
The Ethiopian brings the French near a window and points by saying:
“You see the highway over there?”
The French answers: “No”
The Ethiopian replies:
“Well there you go!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eu1j1/ethiopian_and_french_ministers_of_transport/
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The Illness

A man returned from a business trip to Dubai feeling nauseous and looking ghastly. He rushed to the ER and was immediately put through some medical tests.
After a few days of experiencing excruciating pain throughout his body, the doctor walks into the room holding his medical report.
"I'm very sorry to tell you that you have contracted a rare, contagious and very lethal disease called G.A.Y."
The man who initially thought he was being ridiculed for his sexuality was enraged and immediately lashed out at the doctor, much to the doctor's surprise. The doctor quickly clarified, "Oh no don't get me wrong, G stands for gonorrhea, A stands for AIDS while Y stands for yellow fever. Only 1 in 1000 people worldwide contract such a disease."
"Oh my god what are we going to do about it?", cries the man.
"Well for starters we are going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread," the doctor explained calmly.
"How is that supposed to cure me?" the man asked, puzzled.
"Oh it's not meant to cure you, those are the only food that can be slid through under a door"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9etzzi/the_illness/
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An apple a day

Will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9etzof/an_apple_a_day/
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What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9etosi/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_three_legs/
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I didn't know what to wear to the premature ejaculators anonymous meeting

so I just came in my pants...
...there was no one there when I got there, I came too early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9etmff/i_didnt_know_what_to_wear_to_the_premature/
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A Royal Dentist Joke

Two peasants are having a chat and one says "Why did the king go to the dentist's?"
The other peasant, confused, says "no I don't, please tell me"
The first peasant then hits him with "to get his teeth crowned!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9etjsz/a_royal_dentist_joke/
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I have a kid in Africa that I feed, clothe, school, and vaccinate for less than a dollar a day.

Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost me to send him there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9etdbw/i_have_a_kid_in_africa_that_i_feed_clothe_school/
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What do you call monster made out of blood?

A hemogoblin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9et6c2/what_do_you_call_monster_made_out_of_blood/
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In London during WW2 an American soldier is on a train looking for a seat.

He sees a seat that has a dog in it and a woman beside it "ma'am can you move your dog so i can sit there" he asks the woman replies "No, piss off you Yankee twat" the soldier walks off searches the entire train for a seat but doesn't find one he them returns to the lady and asks "please can you move you're dog so i can sit there" she again says "no" the soldier walks off for a final time searches the train one last time for a seat doesn't find one he then returns to the woman picks up her dog and throws it out the window. The woman is livid and starts yelling obscenities at the soldier and asking if any one will chime in on her scolding. Finally a man on the train says "You know sir you Americans do always so stuff wrong you drive on the wrong side of the road, you misspell colour and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9et5s6/in_london_during_ww2_an_american_soldier_is_on_a/
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How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2. 1 holds the lightbulb and the other turns the chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9et1oc/how_many_blondes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I just don’t understand why these 16 year old guys can’t show up for work on time...

Based on my other experiences with them I assumed they’d always come early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9et1b8/i_just_dont_understand_why_these_16_year_old_guys/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead goes to heaven.

At the entrance to heaven ,they meet God. "You have to climb a hundred steps to get to heaven, and at each step I'm going to tell you a joke."He said. "But if any of you laugh, you are going straight to hell."
The blonde, the brunette and the redhead begin to climb.
On the 24th step, unable to help herself, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.
On the 60th step, the redhead laughs at the joke, and goes to hell as well.
On the 99th step, just as God was about to say another joke, the blonde burst out laughing.
Confused, God looks at her and says,"but I didn't even say anything."
The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9et10g/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_goes_to_heaven/
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It's a funny thing, when you talk to God, you're religious

but when he talks to you, you're a psycopath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eswrv/its_a_funny_thing_when_you_talk_to_god_youre/
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I like hunting with my vampire friends.

It's nice to crack open a boy with the cold ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9esv5w/i_like_hunting_with_my_vampire_friends/
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God is watching

One day the children were lined up in the cafeteria of for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun had made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the children had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9esr2g/god_is_watching/
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Texas Chili Cook-off

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: *"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,*
*and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting - So I accepted."*
Here are the scorecards from the event:
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive!
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
CHILI # 8 - Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: (Not available for comment.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9esq3b/texas_chili_cookoff/
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Protection

A woman was driving Up North late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the  road, she saw a cabin in the woods. Two men came out.
"Can we help ya, miss?"
"Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"
"It's off season, so there's nothing open in town this late, but we can take you in the morning. You can spend the night with us.”
The woman thought: "Well, I really don't have a choice. Besides, I can handle myself." So she agreed. Besides, she thought the men were handsome, and so she suggested they have some fun together.
As they were taking their clothes off, the woman said, "By the way, you DO have protection, don't you?"
"Protection? What's that?"
"You know, condoms."
"What's that?"
"It's so I don't get pregnant."
"We're simple folk, miss. I’m afraid we don't know about those things."
"Well, it just so happens that I have two here in my purse. Here, put them on."
"Hmm... well, alright," they said.
The three of them got into bed. The next morning, they drove the woman into town, where she got her car repaired, thanked them, and drove off.
About a month later, the two guys were sitting out on their porch watching the sun set. Slowly, one of them turned to the other and said, "Do you remember that lady that drove through here about a  month ago?"
"Yep."
"Do you care if she gets pregnant?"
"Not really."
"Me neither.  Let's take these things off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eshbu/protection/
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A bar goes into a guy

It was a gay bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9esfa0/a_bar_goes_into_a_guy/
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what do you call a pack of lesbians?

a Pride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9esdei/what_do_you_call_a_pack_of_lesbians/
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I Screwed Your Mom

A young guy is sitting at the bar when an old drunk stumbles in, sits down next to him, and says, "I just screwed your mom." The young guy ignores him, but a few minutes later the old drunk leans over again and says, "Your mom is the best screw I've ever had." The young guy ignores him again, so the old drunk leans over and says, "Your mom's ass is so tight, I-" at which point the young man stood up and yelled, "GO HOME DAD, YOU'RE DRUNK."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9esc9b/i_screwed_your_mom/
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A girl is on a plane..

And an old woman sits next to her. "Where you from?" says the girl. "I'm sorry," replies the woman, "but I never answer a question that ends in a preposition, such as 'from.' Kindly do try again." The girl thinks for a second and says, "okay! Where you from, bitch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9esb6b/a_girl_is_on_a_plane/
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I am a complex kid.

Because I am the product of a real mom and an imaginary father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9es7ne/i_am_a_complex_kid/
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I was having trouble dating but a girl finally asked me if I wanted to get coffee today.

Sure she was wearing an apron and standing behind a register but still. My dating life is spicing up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9es34o/i_was_having_trouble_dating_but_a_girl_finally/
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What did Donald Trump tweet after hearing there was a rumor going around that he hung himself?

FAKE NOOSE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9erwpu/what_did_donald_trump_tweet_after_hearing_there/
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I have 2 heads, 5 arms, 372 legs, and 6684324 eyes. What am I?

A liar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eru04/i_have_2_heads_5_arms_372_legs_and_6684324_eyes/
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What did the perverted frog say?

“Rubbit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9erqx9/what_did_the_perverted_frog_say/
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A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9erolx/a_murderer_is_to_be_executed_by_electric_chair/
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A young man walks into a bar

And orders three shots of whiskey. The bartender pours him up three, and the young man throws them back one after the other. “Say son, what are you celebrating?” The bartender asks. “The young man replies, “my first blowjob.” “Well here”, says the bartender pouring up another shot. “Have one on me!” “No”, the young man says. “If the first three didn’t get the taste out of my mouth I don’t think one more will help.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ern9p/a_young_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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So I've been invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society's annual awards dinner. When I asked them what the dress code was...

They told me just to come in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9erh8x/so_ive_been_invited_to_the_premature_ejaculation/
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A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

.
The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.
Horse: “Thanks. How much?”
Bartender: “T... ten... d... dollars”
The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.
Bartender: “Sorry but... it’s the very first time a talking horse comes into my bar”
Horse: “First and last. TEN DOLLARS A FUCKING COKE?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9erejk/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_coke/
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*Me Showing my friend my new house* Friend- “What’s upstairs?”

Me: “Dude. Stairs don’t talk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9er5t6/me_showing_my_friend_my_new_house_friend_whats/
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A mother and daughter were at the zoo...

While they were at they the zoo, they see 2 monkeys having sex. The daughter asks the mother, “Mommy, what are those monkeys doing?” The mother panics and says, “They are making cupcakes”, to which the daughter just replies,”oh ok.”
The next day the daughter goes up to her mother and says, “You and Daddy were making cupcakes on the couch, weren’t you?” Shocked, the mother replies,”How did you know?!” The daughter then replies, “because i was licking the icing off the couch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9er5ir/a_mother_and_daughter_were_at_the_zoo/
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What Would Tiger Woods Do?

On their honeymoon night about to consummate their marriage, the new bride tells the husband she needs to confess that she's not a virgin.
"But I've only been with one guy" she says.
The husband says "that's ok honey. But just curious, who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods" she says.
The husband goes quiet then says "well he's rich, famous, and good looking so I see why you did it. No worries honey."
They continue to make passionate love together for the first time.
Afterward the husband walks to the phone and she asks "what are you doing?"
"Calling room service, I'm hungry" he says.
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh really? What would Tiger do?" he asks.
"He'd come over here and fuck me again" She says
He says ok, puts the phone down, and has sex a second time. He then goes to the phone again and she asks him "now what are you doing?"
"I'm still hungry, going to call room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that" she said.
"What would Tiger do?" He asks.
"Well, he'd come back to bed and fuck me again" says the wife.
He says ok, puts the phone down, and has sex a third time.
Now exhausted and beat, he drags himself to the phone and the wife says "Are you calling room service AGAIN?"
"NO!" says the husband. "Im calling Tiger Woods to see what the par is on this damn hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9er2xs/what_would_tiger_woods_do/
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My friend says to me: "What rhymes with silver"

I said "No it doesn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eqwep/my_friend_says_to_me_what_rhymes_with_silver/
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I think my neighbour is growing tomatoes in his car...

He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eqv5p/i_think_my_neighbour_is_growing_tomatoes_in_his/
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So there was a group of deviants at a bar.

They are all together, one was a zoophiliac, other a necrophiliac, another a pyromaniac and the last one a sadomasochist.
The zoophiliac says "We should grab a cat and fuck it all together!"
The pyromaniac says "Then we should burn it!"
The necrophiliac says "Then we should fuck it again!"
And the sadomasochist stays quiet, the rest look at him and one says. "Don't you have anything to add?" and he goes.
"Meow..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eqv3c/so_there_was_a_group_of_deviants_at_a_bar/
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A woodsman walks into the woods

He finds a nice tree to chop down, and upon taking his axe the tree cries out
"WAIT! IM A MAGICAL TALKING TREE, DONT CUT ME DOWN"
He said "You maybe a talking tree but you will dialouge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9equ4h/a_woodsman_walks_into_the_woods/
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A law joke that isn't a lawyer joke

A man is put on trial for the charge of stealing his neighbor's pig.
After both sides rest, the jury leaves to deliberate, and an hour later it returns.
"Have you reached a verdict?" the judge asks.
"We have, your honor," the foreman says. "We find the defendant not guilty, but he still has to give the pig back."
The judge informs them that that is an invalid verdict. "If you find him not guilty, then that means you don't believe he stole the pig. If he didn't steal the pig, then how can he give it back?" He orders them to continue deliberating until they can render a clear verdict of "guilty" or "not guilty."
An hour later, they return.
"Have you reached a more consistent verdict?" the judge asks.
"We have, your honor," the foreman says. "We find the defendant not guilty, and he gets to keep the pig."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eqskq/a_law_joke_that_isnt_a_lawyer_joke/
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Why shouldn't you ever call a fat girl an elephant?

Because it is a really mean thing to say and elephants never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eqo8k/why_shouldnt_you_ever_call_a_fat_girl_an_elephant/
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An alterboy walks in while a priest masturbating.

The priest said don't look so shocked son ... you will be doing this soon.
Why is that Father?
Because my arm is getting tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eqjc4/an_alterboy_walks_in_while_a_priest_masturbating/
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Why is piss yellow and jizz white?

So that you know if you are cumming or going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eqj2r/why_is_piss_yellow_and_jizz_white/
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Knock Knock Who’s there! Alex!

Alex who?
Alex Plain later!
Knock Knock
Who’s there!
Alex!
Alex who?
Alex the questions round here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eqiuv/knock_knock_whos_there_alex/
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As I laid in bed looking up at the night sky, I pondered to myself...

What the hell happened to my roof?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eqh7c/as_i_laid_in_bed_looking_up_at_the_night_sky_i/
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Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a saint

Go to the woman's shelter for a new girlfriend d and everyone looses their minds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eqd7g/go_to_the_animal_shelter_for_a_dog_and_youre_a/
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Only anti-vaccinators will get this.

Measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eqcq3/only_antivaccinators_will_get_this/
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A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3

Uno, dos, poof!
He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eqbtn/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
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If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?

The conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eqba3/if_lightning_strikes_an_orchestra_who_is_most/
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Winners write history

And losers like to point this out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eq5vp/winners_write_history/
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A British tourist goes to Australia..

Border agent: “do you have any criminal convictions?”
Tourist: “I didn’t know they were still a requirement.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eq1kf/a_british_tourist_goes_to_australia/
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Why couldn’t the DJ keep any of the fish he caught?

He kept dropping the bass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eq0mk/why_couldnt_the_dj_keep_any_of_the_fish_he_caught/
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Trucker tries to find a hooker

A male trucker walks into a bar. He goes up to the counter and asks the bartender whether he knows how to find some hookers in this town.
The bartender answers: "no sir, there are no hookers in this town. But we got John and he's only 12 bucks"
The guy, really sexually deprived after some lonely days on the road, says to himself: "i can't take it anymore, i guess john will have to do"
So he asks the bartender: "Okay then, where can i find this gentleman"
Bartender replies: "Ah its not that easy, first you have to go to the mayor and pay him 6 bucks because he doesnt really like things like that"
Trucker: "well okay, then i guess he must do it for 6 bucks right?"
Bartender: "no, its a bit more complicated. 4 bucks are for me, because i dont like things like that happening."
Trucker: "Does he really prostitute himself for only 2 bucks?"
Bartender "No, the last 2 bucks are for michael and frank who have to hold on to john, because john really doesnt like things like that".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9epxeh/trucker_tries_to_find_a_hooker/
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[NSFW] What is Woody Woodpecker's girlfriend's name?

Suzy Splintercunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9epw9a/nsfw_what_is_woody_woodpeckers_girlfriends_name/
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So I was showing my friends the first floor of my house

When one of them said "What's upstairs?".
I told him that the stairs don't talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9epuv9/so_i_was_showing_my_friends_the_first_floor_of_my/
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Three engineers are discussing God...

They argue over what kind of engineer God would be.  The first engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer.  Look at how the body moves with all its muscles, bones, joints, ligaments and tendons.  The amount of coordination it takes to stand upright, walk and run!  He's a mechanical engineer."
The second engineer shakes his head and answers, "God is clearly an electrical engineer.  All the things you just mentioned wouldn't even be possible without the electrical impulses sent along our nerves to tell our muscles what to do.  Electricity causes our hearts to beat, our brains to function.  The mere fact that we can sit here and use our minds to form words to talk clearly means God's an electrical engineer."
The third engineer shrugs languidly and says, "I've always figured God to be a civil engineer."  The other two look at each other in astonishment, then back at the third, demanding to know what he's on about.  The third engineer smiles and says, "Well, who else would run a liquid waste disposal pipeline through such a great recreational area?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eprqc/three_engineers_are_discussing_god/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg of courthe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9epqk4/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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Obama was running with a secret service member...

And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn.  When he finished the Secret Service agent said “We’ll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we’ve had.”
Obama then replied, “One of the best? Not the best?”
The agent replied “ No sir, Bush did 9:11”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9epof4/obama_was_running_with_a_secret_service_member/
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What do you call 4 mexicans standing in quicksand?

Cuatro sink-oh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9epnef/what_do_you_call_4_mexicans_standing_in_quicksand/
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How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but how’d they get in there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9epn7a/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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My dying laptop's last wishes

(Coughing) Marvin im dying and before I die (cough intensifies)
I want you to promise me something...you'll take my hard disk and put it in your next computer
I want my memory to live on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9epn77/my_dying_laptops_last_wishes/
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Did you hear the one about Hitler's temper?

He was Fuhrerious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9epmjv/did_you_hear_the_one_about_hitlers_temper/
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Today is 9/11-NEVER FORGET

Oh, my bad---Too soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9epki0/today_is_911never_forget/
%
Today I donated a watch, a phone and my wallet to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him putting the gun back in his pocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ephms/today_i_donated_a_watch_a_phone_and_my_wallet_to/
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I found out my friend was running a charity for atheism.

He said it was a non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9epbtg/i_found_out_my_friend_was_running_a_charity_for/
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What do you call it when the Pope sends letters to his forbidden past lovers?

Ex-communication

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ep899/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_pope_sends_letters/
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Do you know from where the virgin wool comes from?

From the sheeps that can outrun the sheppard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ep3cx/do_you_know_from_where_the_virgin_wool_comes_from/
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This is no yolk

A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ep1zv/this_is_no_yolk/
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What is better than Cheese?

A Cheese Greater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ep1ig/what_is_better_than_cheese/
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What's it like to be drunk?

A boy was riding home from school with his dad. He had just started learning about alcohol and drinking in his health class.
"Dad, when you're drinking how do you know you're drunk?"
"Well son, when you're drunk your speech is slurred and your vision gets worse and worse. A drunk person would see 4 cars in front of us and not 2."
"But Dad, there's only 1 car in front of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eoz2g/whats_it_like_to_be_drunk/
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A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool...

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eox63/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar_and_find_his_way_to_a/
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Why do Magic: The Gathering players love Michelle Obama?

She's a first edition Black Flotus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eovci/why_do_magic_the_gathering_players_love_michelle/
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What do you call Tinkerbell’s nipples?

Fairy-olas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eooq6/what_do_you_call_tinkerbells_nipples/
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[NOC] Beethoven: Are you ready to hear this awesome piece I just made??

Beethoven: Are you ready to hear this awesome piece I just made??
Crowd: Yeaaaaah!
Beethoven: I can't hear youuu!﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eomut/noc_beethoven_are_you_ready_to_hear_this_awesome/
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A group of thieves stole everything except for my soap.

Dirty bastards...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eokkx/a_group_of_thieves_stole_everything_except_for_my/
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What's the difference between a dead lawyer on the road and a dead dog on the road?

The skid marks in front of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eocr6/whats_the_difference_between_a_dead_lawyer_on_the/
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I made a 70 on my iq test.

Hey, at least I passed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eo9hg/i_made_a_70_on_my_iq_test/
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Why do pirates have such good core strength?

Planks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eo8p4/why_do_pirates_have_such_good_core_strength/
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What's the difference between a genie and a genius?

A genie grants wishes. A genius wishes for grants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eo6bf/whats_the_difference_between_a_genie_and_a_genius/
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A nun walks into an off-licence (liquor store for you 'muricans)

"I'd like a large bottle of your best Irish whiskey, if you please," she says to the man behind the counter.
"Ah but sister," said the shopkeeper. "I can't be selling such evil liquids to you now, you being a woman of the cloth and all."
The nun looks sternly at the man and says "Don't be so judgemental, Patrick O'Reily... you forget your place! It so happens that this whiskey is for medicinal purposes, to relieve the Mother Superior's constipation."
"Ah I'm sorry sister," said the shopkeeper. "I was hasty. Please forgive me and have this whiskey at no cost with my compliments."
"Thank you Patrick. You're forgiven this once as you've done right in the end. God bless you." says the nun, and leaves with the whiskey.
An hour later and the shop owner locks the door after closing for the evening, and walks around the corner to find the nun absolutely paralytic, with the empty bottle beside her.
"Jesus, Mary, Mother of God!" says the man. "Sister I'm ashamed... I gave you that whiskey in good faith, because you said it was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
The nun looks at the man, trying to focus. "Aye and so it is, Paddy m'boy," she slurs.
"She's absolutely going to shit herself when she sees me like this".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eo5a3/a_nun_walks_into_an_offlicence_liquor_store_for/
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I usually charge for my roof jokes...

But the first ones on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eo40t/i_usually_charge_for_my_roof_jokes/
%
Two blond guys were working for the city works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eo0qa/two_blond_guys_were_working_for_the_city_works/
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Well, to be Frank

I’d have to change my name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9enzy5/well_to_be_frank/
%
I bought a pug for my wife.

Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat, the pug seemed to like her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9enzvy/i_bought_a_pug_for_my_wife/
%
A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"
His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."
The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9enxts/a_man_and_his_wife_were_getting_dressed_for_a_big/
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A man who could talk to animals visits a farmer

English is not my native language so I apologize for any error.
A man who could talk to animals visits a farmer.
"What do you want here?" says the farmer
"I can talk to animals"
"I don't believe you!"
"I'll show you!"
So they go to the chicken and the man says: "Who fucked you yesterday night?"
"The cock!"
The farmer was amazed and said, now let's see with the cow!
"Who fucked you yesterday?" asks the man to the cow.
"The bull!"
The farmer couldn't believe it and the sheep was passing nearby.
"I'll ask the sheep now!"
"No don't ask her she's a fucking liar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9enxs6/a_man_who_could_talk_to_animals_visits_a_farmer/
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Future Headline: Trump refuses to rise to take the oath at his trial.

He heard you can’t arrest a sitting president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9enx0q/future_headline_trump_refuses_to_rise_to_take_the/
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My girl friend likes to FaceTime me when she’s taking a pee.

I don’t think that’s what Steve Jobs had in mind when he was talking about live streaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9enwlq/my_girl_friend_likes_to_facetime_me_when_shes/
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I've always wanted to drive trucks in reverse for a living...

...I think it'd make a good backup career.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9envpx/ive_always_wanted_to_drive_trucks_in_reverse_for/
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My wife asked me to pass.......

her lip balm, instead, I gave her Super Glue by mistake. She's still not talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9enu5e/my_wife_asked_me_to_pass/
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What do Egyptian men do when they get a divorce?

They find Anubitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ents0/what_do_egyptian_men_do_when_they_get_a_divorce/
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What do we want?

Increased funding for Alzheimer's research!
When do we want it?
When do we want what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ensbd/what_do_we_want/
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A man and a hooker are hanging out

They were talking and having drinks and after a while things started to heat up between the two.
The hooker says
“put your finger in it”
The man does but she doesn’t seem satisfied. so she tells him to put another finger in and it still wasn’t doing anything for her.
Eventually she said
“fuck it, put your whole hand in”
So he puts his whole hand in, and she STILL wasn’t pleased, so she has him put both hands in.
After having both hands inside of her, she says to the man
“okay, now clap”
He tried and tried and after a minute or so he says
“I just can’t do it, it’s not working”
She looks at him and says
“yeah I know, tight huh?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ensal/a_man_and_a_hooker_are_hanging_out/
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Meanwhile in Philippines

, a local barber in my area got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his costumer for years, I didn't know he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ennsw/meanwhile_in_philippines/
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Stealing people's drinks?

Not my cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9enm0o/stealing_peoples_drinks/
%
The Leaning Tower of Pisa and Big Ben never married...

One lacked the time while the other lacked the inclination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9enl90/the_leaning_tower_of_pisa_and_big_ben_never/
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Alliteration

A husband and wife were resting on a beach when they noticed a girl with a travel bag. She would approach people with boom boxes and other electronic devices and speak to them. Occasionally she would hand them something and walk off.
"She's probably selling drugs," said the woman.
The man decided to see for himself. The wife watched as her husband walked across the beach and approached the girl with the travel bag. They spoke briefly, and then her husband returned.
"Is she selling drugs?" asked the wife anxiously.
"No, she's not," replied her husband. 'She's selling batteries."
"You don't mean...?"
"Yep," finished her husband. "She sells c-cells by the sea shore!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9enjog/alliteration/
%
Pizza for dinner

Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.
"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."
"No, it's not," he replied. "Your neighbor forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eniuq/pizza_for_dinner/
%
By telling the punchline first.

How did OP ruin this joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9enimg/by_telling_the_punchline_first/
%
Nighttime Prayers

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do"
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy \*\*\*\*" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eni5u/nighttime_prayers/
%
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9engho/last_night_i_had_a_dream_that_i_weighed_less_than/
%
A rancher brags to a stranger in a bar

“It takes 3 hours to drive across my land”
The stranger nods sympathetically and replies:
“I used to have a truck like that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9enfzg/a_rancher_brags_to_a_stranger_in_a_bar/
%
My abandonment issues are gone!

They decided to leave me too I guess..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9enas7/my_abandonment_issues_are_gone/
%
Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.
Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....
Nevermind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9en9xt/online_classified_ad/
%
Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9en7n2/guy_goes_into_a_bar/
%
“Hey Descartes, I bet I can beat you in a footrace!”

“I think not!” Descartes replies.
And poof!
He instantly disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9en4yu/hey_descartes_i_bet_i_can_beat_you_in_a_footrace/
%
The Speeding Ticket

**Woman**: Is there a problem, Officer?
**Officer**: Ma'am, you were speeding.
**Woman**: Oh, I see.
**Officer**: Can I see your license please?
**Woman**: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
**Officer**: Don't have one?
**Woman**: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
**Officer**: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
**Woman**: I can't do that.
**Officer**: Why not?
**Woman**: I stole this car.
**Officer**: Stole it?
**Woman**: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
**Officer**: You what?
**Woman**: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
**Officer 2**: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
**Woman**: Is there a problem sir?
**Officer 2**: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
**Woman**: Murdered the owner?
**Officer 2**: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
**Officer 2**: Is this your car, ma'am?
**Woman**: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
**Officer 2**: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
**Officer 2**: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
**Woman**: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9en42h/the_speeding_ticket/
%
Time is like a mountain

It is very difficult to budget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9en3zs/time_is_like_a_mountain/
%
How do you know if a redneck girl is a virgin?

See if she can run faster than her brothers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9en3wm/how_do_you_know_if_a_redneck_girl_is_a_virgin/
%
Why don't Hindus argue with each other?

Because they can't have beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9en28e/why_dont_hindus_argue_with_each_other/
%
So I had been seeing this girl for awhile...

And things were going really good at first.
But then I lost my binoculars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9en1d1/so_i_had_been_seeing_this_girl_for_awhile/
%
How many amoebas does it takes to change a lightbulb?

One. No, two. No, four. No, eight … AHH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9emxok/how_many_amoebas_does_it_takes_to_change_a/
%
Why does Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9emtkt/why_does_trump_take_xanax/
%
How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light?

Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9emnji/how_many_periodic_elements_does_it_take_to_turn/
%
How many Americans dose it take to change a light bulb?

none, because china already took that job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9emlbr/how_many_americans_dose_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Probably a repost but here goes...

An elderly English gentleman is visiting France.
When he gets to the border, the officer asks him for his passport. Baffled, the Englishman replies that he didn't know he needed to show one to get into France, as he didn't have to show one to anyone the last time he visited.
"Impossible" says the officer " You have always needed a passport to get into France."
The old gent again insists that he was allowed into France without his passport, at which the Frenchman gets angry.
"You bloody English. You have always needed a passport to get into France. You must be lying"
The old gent is clearly not impressed, but calmly says "the last time I visited France was D-Day, 1944, and there wasn't a Frenchman in sight to show our passports to!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9emjoe/probably_a_repost_but_here_goes/
%
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9emhtn/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
%
A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church..

Priest: "I'm sorry we don't allow Higgs bosons in here."
Higgs boson: "oh I'm sorry, but without me you can't have mass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9emhif/a_higgs_boson_walks_into_a_catholic_church/
%
A robot assaulted a man.

He was charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9emg4q/a_robot_assaulted_a_man/
%
Dave O'Reilly was at the pub one night

When time came to give toasts, he hoisted his whiskey and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
Dave said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, me dear Davey that is very nice indeed!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Dave's drinking buddies, Paddy O'Shaughnessy  on the street corner.
Paddy chuckled leeringly and said,
"Dave won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
I'll be expecting you and the rest of the lads to be there with him next time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9emecv/dave_oreilly_was_at_the_pub_one_night/
%
What color is the letter M?

Pastel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9emayd/what_color_is_the_letter_m/
%
A man tells his wife, 'I bet you can't say something that would make me happy and sad at the same time'

She tells him, 'You have the biggest dick out of all your friends'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9em6op/a_man_tells_his_wife_i_bet_you_cant_say_something/
%
A Catholic priest is surprised by a bear in the forrest

The bear charges him and the priest quickly says a prayer,"Lord, please let this be a nice, Christian bear!"
The bear scoops him up in his arms and quietly speaks, "Lord bless this meal that I am about to receive, amen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9em487/a_catholic_priest_is_surprised_by_a_bear_in_the/
%
Three drunk college kids get into a taxi

The taxi driver sees that they are completely out of it and tries to prank them.
He starts the engine and just accelerates without going anywhere for a while and stops the engine.
"We've arrived", he says.
The first kid pays.
The second kid thanks him.
The third punches him in the face!
"Why did you hit me?", asks the taxi driver.
"YOU WERE GOING TOO FAST YOU ALMOST KILLED US ALL YOU FREAKING NUT JOB!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9em3st/three_drunk_college_kids_get_into_a_taxi/
%
A dude asked his father how much does it cost to get married?

The father answers I don't know exactly but I'm still paying for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9elya5/a_dude_asked_his_father_how_much_does_it_cost_to/
%
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9elxfd/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_penis_and_a/
%
Why does a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9elwz2/why_does_a_duck_have_feathers/
%
What's a specimen?

An Italian astronaut!
Get it...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9elmpk/whats_a_specimen/
%
I went for a job interview and got offered the job as a fisherman

but turned it down as the net pay wasn't good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9elko2/i_went_for_a_job_interview_and_got_offered_the/
%
What do we want?

Time travel!
When do we want it?
That's irrelevant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ekyhm/what_do_we_want/
%
What do we want?

PROCRASTINATION!!
When do we want it??
I don't know, maybe later. If not then definitely tomorrow sometime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ektpk/what_do_we_want/
%
Yo Mama’s so fat

I had to swerve to miss her in my car and I ran out of fuel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ekrf6/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000."
Credit to u/elhermanobrother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ekqwo/so_there_was_this_professional_assassin_that/
%
How do you get two whales in a car?

Start in England and drive West.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eknnv/how_do_you_get_two_whales_in_a_car/
%
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ekj87/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It only takes Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ekdq7/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A friend who works for FedEx told me how to tell a decent joke.

It's all about the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ekdam/a_friend_who_works_for_fedex_told_me_how_to_tell/
%
My Boss: "You're Fired"

Me: turns in gun and badge
My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ek9ou/my_boss_youre_fired/
%
A guy goes into a bar for a drink

He orders a beer and a beautiful woman walks up to him and says, "hey, for $300 bucks I'll do anything you want . . . Anything. "
He raises an eyebrow and replies "anything?"
She nods "anything!"
He pulls out his wallet excitedly and removes 3 crisp $100 bills and gives it to her. Then he says "paint my house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ek5jm/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar_for_a_drink/
%
Jerry was in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"
The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."
Jerry pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ek4s5/jerry_was_in_a_hospital_bed_wearing_an_oxygen/
%
A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.

He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.
A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: "I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"
The man replies: "look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ek4hb/a_man_is_in_a_mental_hospital_because_he_believes/
%
Why do mathematicians like forests?

Because of all the natural logs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ejtq8/why_do_mathematicians_like_forests/
%
The Email

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before!
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
>Dearest wife,
>
>
>Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some >confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation >of your arrival tomorrow.
>
>
>-Your loving husband.
>
>
>PS - Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised
>at how hot it is down here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ejska/the_email/
%
You know what I find really funny?

Mountains. They're hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ejry8/you_know_what_i_find_really_funny/
%
A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes.

However any of his wishes that are granted will also come true for all the
politicians in the world times two.
Genie: What is your first wish?
Man: I want a million dollars.
Genie: You now have a million dollars and all the world's politicians now
receive two million. What is your second wish?
Man: I want a new Mercedes.
Genie: You now have a new Mercedes and all the world's politicians now receive
two of them. What is your third and final wish?
Man: I want to donate a kidney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ejqx2/a_man_meets_a_genie_and_gets_three_wishes/
%
They've finally figured out how to get rid of BDSM

The clampdown starts this week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ejqw1/theyve_finally_figured_out_how_to_get_rid_of_bdsm/
%
I called the rape advice hotline today...

I had no idea it was for victims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ejqj2/i_called_the_rape_advice_hotline_today/
%
What did communists use for light before candles?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ejm9o/what_did_communists_use_for_light_before_candles/
%
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,

While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ejlkg/dear_optimist_pessimist_and_realist/
%
What's the difference between a good joke and........

A bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ejhw8/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
%
Did you hear about the mushroom hunter who was terrible at finding edible mushrooms, so would resort to stealing them from the baskets of other hunters?

He had no morel compass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ejd8q/did_you_hear_about_the_mushroom_hunter_who_was/
%
I think I'm being unfair to short girls

I always look down on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ej9nx/i_think_im_being_unfair_to_short_girls/
%
Worried about your kid having sex?

Introduce them to fortnite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eiwp9/worried_about_your_kid_having_sex/
%
Yo Mama's so fat...

Yo Mama's so fat, even Spock thought she outweighed the needs of the many!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eiwjz/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
2 fleas meet in the city...

One of them is coughing hard and seems to be really sick.
The other one asks: "what the F happened to you?"
The other replies: "I did something stupid. I crawled into the mustache of a biker. Shit got cold quickly and now I'm stuck with the flu."
"Man that sucks, but I know something you can do. Get in between the legs of a human female. There's usually a patch of hair and it's nice, cozy and warm."
A week later they meet again, the first flea still coughing his lungs out.
The other flea cries out: "Dude, did you not listen to me last time?"
To which the first replies: "I did, but it got so nice and warm I fell asleep and the next morning I was somehow back in the biker's mustache!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eisvh/2_fleas_meet_in_the_city/
%
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm stalking her or following her.
She's worried that I may be obsessed with her and anytime she hears a noise in her house she is... purified.
Wait, hold on: "petrified".
Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eioq0/my_attractive_female_neighbor_is_completely/
%
My sister asked me to help her baby proof her house.

I told her, 'I helped you burglar proof the place last year, that should be enough to keep the babies out, too.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eil9r/my_sister_asked_me_to_help_her_baby_proof_her/
%
People keep telling me vagina jokes..

But I don’t get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eikm2/people_keep_telling_me_vagina_jokes/
%
Five Kinds of Sex

The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eigth/five_kinds_of_sex/
%
What is the world's longest lasting STD?

Children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eictz/what_is_the_worlds_longest_lasting_std/
%
It was so hard getting out of bed this morning

but then after I peed it went soft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eibpq/it_was_so_hard_getting_out_of_bed_this_morning/
%
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane...

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat … As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “” Business. I’m going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston .”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
” Lecturer,” she responded. ” I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. ” And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained,” one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. ” I’m sorry,” she said, ” I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ei4vh/a_man_boarded_an_airplane_and_took_his_seat_as_he/
%
This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ei2nm/this_was_my_sisters_favorite_joke_to_tell_in_high/
%
Man, I hate letters a-y.

Fucking not-z's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ei1kd/man_i_hate_letters_ay/
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I'm not allowed to dress up as a superhero and visit the children's hospital anymore.

And I put so much work into my Thanos costume.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ehqw5/im_not_allowed_to_dress_up_as_a_superhero_and/
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What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNEEEEOOOOWWWWW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ehqtp/what_do_we_want/
%
I saw a tail-less cat in the street today

It was looking for a retail store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ehp1c/i_saw_a_tailless_cat_in_the_street_today/
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What do you call a porcupine riding a turtle?

A slow poke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ehom1/what_do_you_call_a_porcupine_riding_a_turtle/
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What are 3 words you never want to hear while having sex?

Honey, I'm home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ehm7k/what_are_3_words_you_never_want_to_hear_while/
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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ehkaq/a_woman_driving_along_at_speed_passed_over_a/
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My three favorite things in life

Fucking dogs and not using commas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ehcvm/my_three_favorite_things_in_life/
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Which gun is Jesus’ least favorite?

The Nailgun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ehc9k/which_gun_is_jesus_least_favorite/
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I found out one of my friend is missing all his toes on his right foot

I had to end the friendship because I’m lack-toes intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eh25a/i_found_out_one_of_my_friend_is_missing_all_his/
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Two cowboys were riding their horses along the fence line...

One of the cowboys was from Texas and the other one was from San Francisco.
They're riding along and all of a sudden they see a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
The Texas cowboy yells, "Yeehaw, look what we found. This is going to be good!" He jumps off his horse and goes over to the sheep and has his way with it.
The cowboy turns to the San Francisco cowboy and says, "Go ahead! Now it's your turn!"
The San Francisco cowboy turns to him and says, "I...I don't think I can do this."
The Texas cowboy asks him why not and the San Francisco cowboy says, "I don't think I can get my head through the fence".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eh02s/two_cowboys_were_riding_their_horses_along_the/
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A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.
"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"
"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.
"Steve, I just said we do not use  immature and childish words. You injured yourself... And class, I don't want to hear any of you use silly, childish, immature words. Okay, Johnny?"
"My mum and dad took me to the cinema to see the new Christopher Robin film with that bear Winnie The Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9egzpm/a_teacher_asks_the_children_in_her_class_what/
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I've seen 'End Road Work' signs all over the place since I was a kid...

I don't think the protest is working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9egvs2/ive_seen_end_road_work_signs_all_over_the_place/
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Never go out with a tennis player...

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9egule/never_go_out_with_a_tennis_player/
%
Serena Williams was fined $17k

Verbal abuse of the umpire: $10,000
Being warned for coaching: $4,000
Breaking her racket: $3,000
Stealing the moment from Osaka by calling the umpire a thief: Priceless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9egnyx/serena_williams_was_fined_17k/
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A man goes to a restaurant...

Where he seats himself at a table and browses the menu.
After settling on what he wants, he places the order with the waitress.
After his food arrives, he grabs his plate and leaves the restaurant, climbs into his car and drives to the airport.
There, he boards a plane to Nepal, and after landing, hails a taxi and drives for hours to the foot of Mount Everest, still holding his plate of food.
At his destination, he leaves, pays the taxi driver, and starts the climb.
For days he braves the trek up the mountain, until, on a sunny afternoon, he summits the peak.
Finally, he sits down, next to all the flags at the peak, and takes a bite of his food.
Then the waitress appears, "How are we enjoying the food?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eglbc/a_man_goes_to_a_restaurant/
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Teacher ask her pupils what they want to be when they grow up

Children give usual answers: Bill wants to be a pilot, Sue wants to be an actress. But when it comes to little Dave, his answer is a shock to everyone. Dave wants to be a homeless alcoholic with no penny in his pocket.
20 years go by and Dave is now rich, Really Rich.
He stands in his appartament on the top floor of the highest building on the continent, looking at the town of which he owns 3/4, with a glass of most expensive single malt in his hand, and he asks himself a question...
When did this all go wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9egdbv/teacher_ask_her_pupils_what_they_want_to_be_when/
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A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling
Dad: Son what happened?
Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs
Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt
Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eg87y/a_dad_is_sitting_on_the_couch_in_his_living_room/
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The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite

So he went back four seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eg6jg/the_time_traveler_was_still_hungry_after_his_last/
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[NSFW] An Englishman, a Belgian & a Frenchman are stranded on an island and captured by a local tribe

Now the tribe leader tells them he will let the ones live who can complete his two requests.
They all agree and await the leader’s first request. So the leader says: “You each must bring me 100 of a fruit of your choice. You must collect it on this island and bring it here within the next 6 hours.”
Once again they all agree and depart on their scavenging hunt. After about on hour the Englishman returns with 100 peaches.
Now the tribes leader tells him the second request which is that he must now fit all 100 pieces in his butt.
Shocked, but fearing for his life he starts to slowly put them in one by one... as he reaches 11 he says he can’t do it and begs for mercy. But the leader of the tribe shows no mercy and has the Englishman executed.
Shortly after this the Belgian arrived with 100 blueberries & gets told my the tribe’s leader what he has to do next. As he sees the body of the dead Englishman he quickly starts fitting in as many as he can in his butt...
But then when the Belgian reached 87, he stops and bursts out of laughter. Now the tribe’s leader is so confused and says: “Why did you stop now? You’re so close to finishing?”
To which the Belgian replies: “I know! But I couldn’t help but laugh because I just saw the Frenchman arrive with 100 pineapples!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eg46v/nsfw_an_englishman_a_belgian_a_frenchman_are/
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Hidden talent

John: Bro i think i have a hidden talent
Max: Cool what is it
John: Dunno didn’t find out yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eg3zw/hidden_talent/
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My ex wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eg1as/my_ex_wife_still_misses_me/
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Why do all of the carbon atoms in benzene get along so well?

They learned to just let pi bonds be pi bonds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eg156/why_do_all_of_the_carbon_atoms_in_benzene_get/
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My girlfriend used to smoke after sex...

So we started using lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eg0qt/my_girlfriend_used_to_smoke_after_sex/
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YO mama so ugly

Even her dildo needs viagra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efwsf/yo_mama_so_ugly/
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A prom date

A guy asks out a girl on a prom date and she accepts, he later realises that he need basic prom stuff. He gos to a flower shop, but because its 2 days before prom, theres a long line, so he waits and waits and waits, and finally gets roses for his prom date. He then realises he needs a tuxedo to look fancy so he goes to rent a suit and he has to wait and wait and wait for the suit, then he finnally realises he needs a limo so he calls a service, but is put in hold, so he waits and waits and waits and finnally gets a limo. The day of prom comes and there is a huge line to get into prom, so him and his date wait and wait and wait to get in and they finnally do. Later his date askes him if he could go get drinks for them. He goes up to the stand, but there was no punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efvxv/a_prom_date/
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I don't like to tell dad jokes.

He never laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efv2m/i_dont_like_to_tell_dad_jokes/
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How many corpses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It must be more than eight, 'cause my basement's still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efrpw/how_many_corpses_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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My girlfriend asked me: "Have you ever heard of a scare-plant?"

I asked: "What's a scare-plant?"
Her: "BamBOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efrp6/my_girlfriend_asked_me_have_you_ever_heard_of_a/
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Why did the teacher tie all of her student's shoelaces together?

She wanted to take a class trip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efr0k/why_did_the_teacher_tie_all_of_her_students/
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What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efmxs/whats_the_difference_between_3_dicks_and_a_joke/
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I bought my friend with OCD a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa for his birthday.

He's going fucking nuts trying to hang it straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efmj6/i_bought_my_friend_with_ocd_a_picture_of_the/
%
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.
‘Damn, damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’
Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’
‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efl0r/paddy_had_been_drinking_at_his_local_dublin_pub/
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Do you know the one about the bride who choked at the altar?

Can't say I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efl0i/do_you_know_the_one_about_the_bride_who_choked_at/
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What has 4 legs and flies?

A dead cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efjik/what_has_4_legs_and_flies/
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A toothless termite walks into a pub and asks

“Is the bar tender here?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efivn/a_toothless_termite_walks_into_a_pub_and_asks/
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My wife said I never listen to her

Or something like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efirq/my_wife_said_i_never_listen_to_her/
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What do you call female to male surgery?

An addadicktome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efhbl/what_do_you_call_female_to_male_surgery/
%
I bought a clock that was missing the minute hand and the hour hand.

It was a second hand clock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9efgqb/i_bought_a_clock_that_was_missing_the_minute_hand/
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A woman wanted to prank her husband

So she left a note for the husband to read after he comes home from work, the note said that she's leaving and she doesn't want to come back, and then she hid under the bed to see his reaction once he reads it.
The husband soon comes in and reads the note, he then took a pen out of his pocket and wrote a reply on the note paper, then changed his clothes while singing as if nothing has happened.
He opened his phone and started saying "Hey honey, yeah i'm coming today, thank god my wife left me and went to her parents' house, i hope she never comes back. I never enjoyed living with her anyways, i wish i met you before i met her, my life would've been better that way". Soon as he was done with the phone call he left the house.
The wife was shocked and became furious under the bed, she came out crying and started packing her stuff because of what her traitor husband said.
Crying and full of tears, she noticed the note paper and read what her husband wrote: "Your feet are visible behind the bed, fool, I went to buy groceries, you'll have enough time to wipe your tears when i come back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ef8o8/a_woman_wanted_to_prank_her_husband/
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What’s the only test a person with Down syndrome does well on?

A DNA test, they get a 47 out of 46.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ef87h/whats_the_only_test_a_person_with_down_syndrome/
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My mom gets mad when I take her kitchen utensils

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ef3il/my_mom_gets_mad_when_i_take_her_kitchen_utensils/
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All clocks have only two hands. You may think that some clocks have a third hand,

But that’s just the second hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eez7r/all_clocks_have_only_two_hands_you_may_think_that/
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A blonde walks into a bar.

Now the police are here wondering if I abuse my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eew1l/a_blonde_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The year is 1900 and it is sunny summer day in Germany

One person, named Hans has a day off. He decides to go to seer to find about something about his future.
He went to the seer. It was old lady that could see peoples' future in her magical globe. She closes herself with Hans in one dark room and starts the ritual.
All of a sudden she gets terrified. Her face goes white and she is clearly very scared.
"W-what is wrong?"- Hans get worried too.
"You have very dark future. Only today, you will destroy so many lives. You will kill so many people in just one day. You poor, ugly soul. Leave my place now"- the lady was upset and mad at the same.
She kicked Hans out and his day just got ruined. He went for a walk, thinking. He decided that he will not do anything that day. He will not interact with anything and won't go anywhere where he should talk with people. He decided he will spend his whole day walking by river. So he does.
After few hours of walking by river he hears loud screaming by woman. She is screaming "HEEEELP. MY SON IS DROWNING AND I CANT SWIM HELP PLEASE" and he looks at the river where young boy is fighting the water with the last bits of energy.
"Maybe the seer was wrong. I will save this boy and prove I am not bad person."- Hans thinks to himself.
He then jumps into water, quickly swims to the boy and pull him to the shore. The boy swallowed too much water and after coughing it out he is fine.
"Yeeees, I did it. I saved someone and didnt do anything wrong. The seer was 100% wrong."- he thinks to himself again.
Meanwhile, the boys' mother comes to him and starts hugging him.
"Ooh I love you. You are beautiful person, you saved my son and I am grateful to you forever. My name is Klara...." she then turns toward her son "....Adolf, did you thank this person for saving your life?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eeu1m/the_year_is_1900_and_it_is_sunny_summer_day_in/
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Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it’s the scenter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eettl/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
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I hate it when people use the average of several data points to represent their data.

It’s just mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eepz2/i_hate_it_when_people_use_the_average_of_several/
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The Alaskan Miner

Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners.
He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.
"Firstly, you work six days of the week, every day except Saturday. Your primary duty is to help clear out the rubble, and dump it into the rock quarry down the road. The work isn't easy, but you will get used to it. Also, you are on KP duty on Friday nights."
Morning comes, and Paul goes to work. The work is hard, but he is strong enough that it isn't a real problem.
However, by the time Thursday comes around, Paul is feeling kind of lonely. With the nearest women 200 miles away, he can't imagine how the other miners endure from day to day. So, he approaches the manager.
"What do you want?" asks the manager.
"Well, the work itself is fine, and I have no complaints about it, but...well sir, I wonder what the other miners do for women around here?"
"Ah. Say no more. Let me show you something."
The manager leads Paul into the mine, and turns down an unfamiliar passage. He continues on deeper into the mine into older and older tunnels until he finally stops at the end of a tunnel which must be well over a hundred years old. At the end is a barrel.
The manager says: "The other miners use this."
"What?"
"Well, you see that knot hole? Try it out."
Paul is decidedly skeptical about the idea, but he is desperate, so he gives it a shot. He absolutely can't believe the results. He practically busts a nut--the best damned blow job he's ever gotten.
Well, Friday comes around, and the work is getting him down, so he goes back to the barrel to try it again. Wow! This time the blow job is even better than last time. Truly unbelievable!
So, after a long day, and KP duty that night, Paul sleeps in on Saturday. He gets up at 11 and really feels great. He can't think of much to do, so he heads off to visit the barrel.
On his way to the mine, he bumps into the manager, who asks him:"What are you doing here?"
"It's my day off ..."
"Day off? Hell no! It's your turn in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eep46/the_alaskan_miner/
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I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eeo6o/im_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today, everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eelyx/100_years_ago_everyone_owned_a_horse_and_only_the/
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A doctor has got his patient's results

Ok, so... I have got bad and good news. The bad news is that I'll have to cut your legs off. But don't worry, the good news is that now your penis will reach the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eelgn/a_doctor_has_got_his_patients_results/
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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Subscriber,
We are cutting off your Internet service due to illegal downloading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eek21/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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A glass of water that is half full

Optimist: The Glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Thanos: Perfectly balanced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eegur/a_glass_of_water_that_is_half_full/
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NSFW...What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eefv6/nsfwwhat_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the/
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A man takes a woman home and they're getting it on

He's fingering the hell out of her when suddenly the woman exclaims, "Ooh, please remove your ring!"
"Ring?" the man scoffs. "Get over yourself, woman: that's my watch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eeal2/a_man_takes_a_woman_home_and_theyre_getting_it_on/
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What do fish in middle school worry about?

Shellfishteem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ee6qs/what_do_fish_in_middle_school_worry_about/
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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange for sex, i was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course i declined because i am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ee5vz/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_21_year_old_girl_today/
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Went to the Dad Bar the other night...

It was a slow night. There was only the bartender and few other dads sitting at the bar.
I walked up to the bar and the bartender greeted me, "How are ya?"
I replied, "I am thirsty."
Everyone shouted out, "Hi Thirsty!"
The bartender continued pointing to the other patrons, "and this is 'Starving, Tired, and uh...Horny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ee47f/went_to_the_dad_bar_the_other_night/
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A guy is walking through the desert when he meets three men going the other way.

One is drinking out of a water bottle, one is looking at his phone and the third one is dragging a car door. He stops to talk to them.
"Why are you guys out here?" he asked.
"Our car broke down in the middle of the desert, so we started walking to see if we could find help. I figured I should bring some water, so I grabbed a bottle," says the first guy.
He asks the second guy, "Why did you bring your phone?"
"I figured I could call someone for help," he says.
This makes sense, so he goes to the third guy, who is dragging the car door, which has clearly been ripped off its hinges, behind him. "Why'd you bring a car door?"
He answers, "I figured if it got too hot, I could just roll the window down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ee3t8/a_guy_is_walking_through_the_desert_when_he_meets/
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When I was in the library I saw a book titled how to solve 50% of your problems.

So i bought 2 books

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ee2a2/when_i_was_in_the_library_i_saw_a_book_titled_how/
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A German tourist comes to France

...a border control asks him
"Occupation?"
German: No just visiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9edujw/a_german_tourist_comes_to_france/
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As the sperm dripped down my wife's chin, I looked into her eyes and asked

"Do you like that ? "  "No" She replied. " What the fuck is in this sandwich ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eduf3/as_the_sperm_dripped_down_my_wifes_chin_i_looked/
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Is there someone else?

I was making love with my wife, and she had a faraway look in her eyes.
I said, ‘Darling, is there someone else?’ and she said, ‘There must be.’
-- Rodney Dangerfield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9edqq6/is_there_someone_else/
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[NSFW) A son puts his father in a nursing home.

The first morning he's there, the old man wakes up with a giant erection. The most beautiful nurse he has ever seen walks in and gives him the best blowjob of his life. Afterward, he excitedly calls his son.
"Son, you're not gonna believe this but I woke up with a boner this morning and one of the nurses sucked me off!"
"Dad, that's amazing! I'm glad this move has worked out for you."
Later that day, the old man is using his walker going down the hallway when he slips and falls down. A hillbilly jumps out of nowhere and fucks the old man in the ass. Distraught, he calls his son again.
"Son you gotta get me outta here. I fell down this afternoon and this wild son of a bitch fucked me in the ass!"
"Well, dad, you did get a blowjob this morning. Maybe you just have to take the good with the bad."
"Son, you don't understand. I only get an erection once a month, I fall down three or four times a day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9edq7a/nsfw_a_son_puts_his_father_in_a_nursing_home/
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Rabbi and a priest

The rabbi said to the priest "why haven't I seen you riding your bicycle to mass lately?"
The priest replied that his bike had been stolen and he had been forced to walk to mass every day. "The worst part do it all" he said "is that I think someone from my congregation stole it."
The rabbi offered some advice: "during your next sermon, bring up the 10 commandments.  When you get to thou shall not steal, really emphasize it for a while. If the person who stole it is your congregation they will feel guilty and return it.”
"Thanks for the advice" replied the priest, "I'll have to give that a try."
The next week the rabbi saw the priest riding through town. "I see you've got your bike back. Did the sermon work?”
"Well", said the priest, "It kind of did.  I brought up the 10 commandments and when I got to adultery, I suddenly remembered where I had left my bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9edkks/rabbi_and_a_priest/
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What do I call my dad?

Shouldn't it be apparent?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9edkcx/what_do_i_call_my_dad/
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A man walks into a bar

. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She  turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw  anybody at any time, any where... your place or my place, it doesn't  matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "Really? What law firm do you work for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9edhpg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Doctor, every morning I poop at 6

-- Doctor, every morning I poop at 6:00.
-- Ok, but how is that a problem?
-- I wake up at 7:00.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9edhld/doctor_every_morning_i_poop_at_6/
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One prostitute asks the other:

“Do you smoke after sex?”
“Dunno, I’ve never looked.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ed6am/one_prostitute_asks_the_other/
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So they finally made an affordable and functional jetpack

The sales are through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ed4qd/so_they_finally_made_an_affordable_and_functional/
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Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?

Me: No, I’m sure most kids smell that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ed48s/her_do_you_think_our_kids_are_spoiled/
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Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners...

But catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ed30q/dogs_cant_operate_mri_scanners/
%
If Gandalf wanted to go on an overseas holiday, what would he do?

Fly, *you fools*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ed1ga/if_gandalf_wanted_to_go_on_an_overseas_holiday/
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I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It’s a pretty good µ-boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eczh2/i_built_a_11000000_model_of_a_german_submarine/
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My grandfather got pretty burnt the other day

They don't muck around at the crematorium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ecw5q/my_grandfather_got_pretty_burnt_the_other_day/
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Why do Australians call each other mate?

They were all inmates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ecvbp/why_do_australians_call_each_other_mate/
%
Abstinence...

Makes the church grow fondlers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ecq7n/abstinence/
%
What's the difference between hard and light?

You can get to sleep with the light on!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ecjhy/whats_the_difference_between_hard_and_light/
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My son thinks I set the bar too high for him as a child.

He never really got over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ecium/my_son_thinks_i_set_the_bar_too_high_for_him_as_a/
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In the weeks leading up to my grandfathers death he had to use a wheelchair.

After that he went downhill very quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ecglj/in_the_weeks_leading_up_to_my_grandfathers_death/
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Skeeter and Bubba got promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Shortly after, they were out walking when Bubba said "Hey Skeeter! There's the NCO Club! What say we go in there and have us a drink?"
"But we don't belong in the NCO Club!" Skeeter protested. "We's Privates!"
Bubba points to the new stripes sewn on their clothes and says, "No we ain't, Skeeter! We's Sergeants now!"
The two went in and ordered some drinks. Some time later, a hooker walks up to Bubba and says, "You sure are a cute one. I'd love to take you somewhere and make you feel real good, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulled Skeeter in close and whispered "Quick! Go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me an okay sign!"
Skeeter quickly leaves the bar and comes back 15 minutes later. He flashes Bubba a thumbs up and Bubba runs off with the hooker.
A few weeks later, Bubba is in the infirmary with a bad case of... You guessed it, gonorrhea. Skeeter comes to visit and Bubba starts yelling at him. "Why in the hell did you gimme the okay fer?"
"Bubba, I looked it up in the dictionary. That book said gonorrhea only affects the privates. But you said we's Sergeants now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ecd53/skeeter_and_bubba_got_promoted_from_privates_to/
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Doc, you gotta help me!

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor says "What's your problem?"
The guy says "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking.. For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing.. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.. Then at night I give the missus another screw......"
"Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"
The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ec9bq/doc_you_gotta_help_me/
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What do you call a constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ec6uf/what_do_you_call_a_constipated_detective/
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A 100 year old redneck is interviewed by the local tv

The journalist asks him: "what was the best day of your life?" The redneck responds "the day we lost the pig! We searched him with all my family, we looked everywhere in the propriety and when we found him, we had a party and fucked the pig!" The journalist asks him to not use inappropriate language and asks him another best day of his life. The redneck responds "the best day of my life was when we lost the cow! We searched her with all my family, we looked everywhere and when we found her, we had a party and fucked the cow!" The journalist is quite angry and so he asks him the worst day of his life. The redneck, with a sad look on his face says"the worst day of my life was when i got lost..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ec3yf/a_100_year_old_redneck_is_interviewed_by_the/
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What’s black and long?

The queue in KFC.
(Sorry please don’t hurt me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ec2ta/whats_black_and_long/
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Imagine The Titanic with a lisp.

It's unthinkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ebz30/imagine_the_titanic_with_a_lisp/
%
What’s the most effective chat up line in the world?

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ebuw1/whats_the_most_effective_chat_up_line_in_the_world/
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I got fired from my last job for cropdusting customers.

I guess management caught wind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ebun6/i_got_fired_from_my_last_job_for_cropdusting/
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What do you call jokes about 9/11 and why are they generally not funny?

Too plain jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ebtnc/what_do_you_call_jokes_about_911_and_why_are_they/
%
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce...

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ebpuy/a_judge_was_interviewing_a_woman_regarding_her/
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Where do you put a tattoo of a baby cow?

On your calf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ebnt7/where_do_you_put_a_tattoo_of_a_baby_cow/
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My dad wanted me to let you know he’s cleaning a window.

He just wanted to make it clear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ebm4v/my_dad_wanted_me_to_let_you_know_hes_cleaning_a/
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I started a company that sells landmines that look like prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ebfyl/i_started_a_company_that_sells_landmines_that/
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I don’t understand women

I thought opening the door to a lady is a polite thing to do but she just screamed and flew out of the plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ebb9a/i_dont_understand_women/
%
What do meteors like about r/jokes?

The real joke is always in the comets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eba4c/what_do_meteors_like_about_rjokes/
%
The punchline comes before the question.

What's the worst part about time traveling jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eb9rh/the_punchline_comes_before_the_question/
%
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can find a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eb689/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
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I saw a sign that made me shit myself.

It said ‘bathroom closed’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eb5wh/i_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_shit_myself/
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Why was a Buzzfeed editor found dead in a bathroom?

Number 2 shocked him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eb5nt/why_was_a_buzzfeed_editor_found_dead_in_a_bathroom/
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I saw an old man getting beat up

I rushed to help. That old bastard didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eb5bs/i_saw_an_old_man_getting_beat_up/
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I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eb51j/i_went_for_a_job_interview_today_and_the_manager/
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Baby eagle in his nest sees a fighter jet passing overhead.

Amazed at the speed, he turns to mamma and asks, "Why can't we fly so fast?"
Mamma: "You would too my son, if your ass was on fire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eb0yz/baby_eagle_in_his_nest_sees_a_fighter_jet_passing/
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Last night I went to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"
He explained, "The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. Approximately 3 spoons per table per hour are dropped. If our staff carry spoons, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save *15 man-hours per shift *
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare one.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's zip. Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their zips. I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, can you tell me why you have that string there?"
Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. Accenture also suggested we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our manhood, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 45%."
I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
He whispered, "Accenture didn't mention that in report, so, We use the spoon "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eb0js/last_night_i_went_to_a_restaurant_and_noticed/
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A teetotaling woman walks into a bar dead set on getting people to stop drinking. She sits next to an older gentleman drinking a beer.

The woman asks, "Excuse me, how many beers do you drink per day?"
"Usually about three."
"And how much do you pay for a beer?"
"Including tip? About $5 per beer."
"How long have you been drinking beer?"
"Oh, about twenty years, I guess."
"So, at three beers per day you're spending roughly $450 per month on beer."
"Yeah, that sounds about right."
"And over the span of a year you spend $5,400 on beer."
"Yeah, I guess so."
"$5,400 per year over twenty years is $108,000! You know, if you didn't drink beer you could have invested that money and would have had even more. You could have bought something like an airplane with that kind of money!"
"Yeah, that could be true, I suppose. Now, let me ask you a question; do *you* drink beer?"
"I most certainly DO NOT!"
"Then where's your fucking airplane?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eb02l/a_teetotaling_woman_walks_into_a_bar_dead_set_on/
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The problem with Nearly-Headless Nick

is that he is a poorly-executed character

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eazdj/the_problem_with_nearlyheadless_nick/
%
*Dad gets a iPhone*

Dad: Son I’m going to jail... I’m going to Face Time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eaun2/dad_gets_a_iphone/
%
[NSFW] Dracula was in serious need of a blowjob...

So I went down for the count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eaubz/nsfw_dracula_was_in_serious_need_of_a_blowjob/
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What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eatmm/what_do_you_call_a_blind_dinosaur/
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I thought opening the door for a lady is a polite thing to do...

But she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eatlm/i_thought_opening_the_door_for_a_lady_is_a_polite/
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What do you call pile of kittens?

A *meowntain*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9earbt/what_do_you_call_pile_of_kittens/
%
My 10yr old daughter told me this today

Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why wouldnt William Shakespear be a good rapper?
Cause he's dead.
Knock knock.
(Who's there)
Not Sally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eapjc/my_10yr_old_daughter_told_me_this_today/
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There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eamm1/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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What is Captain Kirks most hated pie?

Pe-KHAAAAAAANNN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9eae41/what_is_captain_kirks_most_hated_pie/
%
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Don’t know, don’t care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ead41/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
If a naked guy jumps on your back...

Would you beat him off?..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ea833/if_a_naked_guy_jumps_on_your_back/
%
*tips fedora to mosquito*

M'laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ea5vb/tips_fedora_to_mosquito/
%
His original name was John Kennedy

They added the F later to pay respects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ea5ha/his_original_name_was_john_kennedy/
%
*coins falling from the sky*

Me: what is this?
Climate: change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ea46r/coins_falling_from_the_sky/
%
Why don't Italian appetizers remember you?

'Cause they Foccacia!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ea2f9/why_dont_italian_appetizers_remember_you/
%
What do you call a lobster that won't share?

Shellfish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ea1h0/what_do_you_call_a_lobster_that_wont_share/
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(From my 3-year-old son) Why can’t dinosaurs talk?

Because they’re dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e9zhc/from_my_3yearold_son_why_cant_dinosaurs_talk/
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What do you get when you cross horses with strong winds?

A tor*neigh*do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e9w0x/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_horses_with_strong/
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The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies...

He soon writes home to his father.
>Dear Dad,
>Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train.
>Your son, Ahmed
Promptly, his father writes back.
>My Dear son Ahmed,
>$20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family.
>Go and get yourself a train too.
>Love, your dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e9tfx/the_son_of_a_rich_saudi_sheikh_arrives_in_germany/
%
4 cows stumbles into a pot field

The steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e9spt/4_cows_stumbles_into_a_pot_field/
%
What's worse than spiders on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e9qsg/whats_worse_than_spiders_on_your_piano/
%
As told by my Russian wife

A man is at a bar. He sees a good looking woman, but she's a little older. Maybe in her 40s. He goes up to her and starts a conversation.
Halfway through she seems interested and asks an interesting question. She asks how he feels about a little mother-daughter action.
The man is intrigued. She is nice enough by herself, but her daughter must be amazing. He agrees and they go back to her place.
They enter the house and go upstairs. The lady knocks on a door and gently whispers:
"Mom, are you awake?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e9p3h/as_told_by_my_russian_wife/
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How can you tell if a sheep has met Yoda?

Dago Bah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e9nqs/how_can_you_tell_if_a_sheep_has_met_yoda/
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What do you do if you see two snails fighting

Nothing, just let them slug it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e9n19/what_do_you_do_if_you_see_two_snails_fighting/
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Two priests are at a Bucking Bronco contest

The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.
The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."
The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e9lbb/two_priests_are_at_a_bucking_bronco_contest/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e9k3s/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers?

To keep his ankles warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e9e27/why_does_bill_clinton_wear_boxers/
%
I think that my math teacher is a redditor

Because maths is not my strong suit and he always replies to my tests with
> F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e9bdz/i_think_that_my_math_teacher_is_a_redditor/
%
My wife and I were sitting in our living room in silence looking at our phones...

We heard a cricket outside and she looked at me and said "I heard a cricket chirping, but you didn't tell a joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e990e/my_wife_and_i_were_sitting_in_our_living_room_in/
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I like my women like I like my milkshake

Not at all. I’m lactose intolerant and gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e973g/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_milkshake/
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Three men go to heaven

St. Peter looks in the book and says to the first man, “You spent your whole life trying to get drunk.  You even married a woman named Ginny,” and he points him to the down escalator.
To the next man he says, “You spent your whole life trying to get rich.  You even married a woman named Penny,” and he points him to the down escalator.
The third guy turns and heads for the down escalator.  St. Peter says, “Where are you going?”  The man says, “My wife’s name is Fannie.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e8zvc/three_men_go_to_heaven/
%
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving my car right now.

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e8xxb/its_probably_not_safe_for_me_to_be_driving_my_car/
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Shortly after the beginning of the war in Afghanistan.....

...the news showed a clip of a young Afghani man in the midst of a battle in a city.  The young man grabbed a grenade and hurled it some 70 yards into the fifth-floor window of a building, blowing the building up and saving several American soldiers.
A scout for the Detroit Lions happened to be watching the news that night, and saw what the young man did.  The scout spent the next two years tracking down the man, and finally found him, signing him up to a contract with the Lions.
The young man proved to be a stellar quarterback, and he led the Lions to their first Super Bowl victory.  After the game, the young man called his mother.  "Mom," he said, "I've won the Super Bowl!"
"Go away," she replied.  "You are not my son!"
"What do you mean, mother?  I've won the biggest game of the year.  I've accomplished so much."
"Look at us:  I can't walk to the market without getting mugged.  There are gun shots and sounds of violence round the clock.  Your brothers must escort your sister wherever she goes to keep her from being raped.  Life is hell!  Why did you ever make us move to Detroit???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e8xwm/shortly_after_the_beginning_of_the_war_in/
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Three young priests are sitting in a pub... (NSFW)

They've all recently graduated from the seminary, and they've just been told where they're being sent for their first posting: they've all requested missionary work overseas.
The first one takes a huge swig of his pint and slams it down on the table triumphantly.
"Well, I'm over the moon!" he exclaims: "I'm off to Peru! Fantastic scenery, incredible history, wonderful people and I really feel I can do so much good there! Couldn't be better!
"Plus," he adds, a lascivious grin taking over his face, "there are plenty of 'teaching opportunities' to take advantage of..."
"Great stuff, Michael!" says the second one. "I'm happy for you - and for myself! I'm off to Cambodia: again, great history, again great people - and, well" - once more a leery smirk - "the 'teaching opportunities' are world-famous...."
"Oh, you've hit the jackpot there, Donal!" the first one cheers, clinking glasses. "And what about you, Ronan? Why're you looking so miserable?"
The third one sighs and sips his pint mournfully: "I'm off to rural China."
"But that's fantastic!" cries Michael. "A dream post! Why're you so glum?"
"I'm straight," he replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e8vhi/three_young_priests_are_sitting_in_a_pub_nsfw/
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I didnt learn anything in college...

I guess it was kind of my fault though. I double majored in psychology, and reverse psychology.
(Stolen from BJ Novak)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e8nlt/i_didnt_learn_anything_in_college/
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I've heard a lot of people say that 6:30 is the best time, hands down

But, hey, 3:15 is pretty alright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e8lr8/ive_heard_a_lot_of_people_say_that_630_is_the/
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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e8j37/everyone_debates_butts_vs_boobs_but_nothing_beats/
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Swinger's Party

I went to this swingers party and tossed my keys into a  bowl.
I thought I had hit the jackpot when this hot big titted sultry  blonde picked them out.
Never saw my BMW again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e8iyu/swingers_party/
%
Me: "It's not about how many times you fall. What matters is how many times you get back up."

Officer: "That isn't how field sobriety tests work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e8i6v/me_its_not_about_how_many_times_you_fall_what/
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A guy got angry at an aussie

A guy got really angry at an aussie, so he told him "Go die"
The aussie looked at him, smiled, and responded "G'day to you to, mate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e8hjs/a_guy_got_angry_at_an_aussie/
%
What’s a horse’s top priority when voting?

A stable economy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e8gwn/whats_a_horses_top_priority_when_voting/
%
A farmer finds a bunch of dead birds in his fields...

He figured it must have been a murder of crows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e8fs1/a_farmer_finds_a_bunch_of_dead_birds_in_his_fields/
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Three men die and go to Heaven (long):

John, Paul and Steve, none of whom knew each other, suddendly realise they must’ve died and find themselves waiting at Heaven’s gates.
St. Peter greets them, but it turns out the place is a bit crowded at the moment:
St. Peter: “I’m terribly sorry guys, but we’re a bit tight on space, so let’s do the following; each of you will tell me how you died, and whoever tells the funniest story will be given the chance to come in”.
All three men look at each other, and John decides to go first.
John: Mine is quite a complex situation... I came back home early tonight, and I found my wife in shock and completely naked.
At that moment I knew she was with a lover, so I started looking for the bastard, while my wife was just screaming at me that nothing was wrong; she had just turned a naturist.
In the middle of the argument, I heard a noise at the front window and saw the guy holding with just the fingertips on the void begging me for help. I took my shoes off and slapped the crap out of the bastard, but he wouldn’t let go!
So I went to the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it in his face! Finally the fucker went down... but I was so unlucky that the cord got tangled around my foot and I was also thrown to the street. Last thing I remeber is hitting face first to the floor.
St. Peter is laughing his ass off, but is also eager to hear the next story. Paul’s next.
Paul: My death is weird as fuck. I had been jobless for over a year, so I was over the moon when a temporary agency finally offered me some work as a window cleaner yesterday!
I was nicely doing the job, starting at top window of an eight-story appartment building. But the company that hired had a crappy scaffolding that broke down after half an hour, and I fell down!
In a moment of luck, I managed to get hold of a window frame and started crying for help to the people inside. All of a sudden, a crazy guy comes outside furious and starts slapping my fingers. He went inside, and as I was almost managing to gain entrance, there comes the idiot back throwing a fridge in my face!
I landed on a soft mattress on the back of a lorry, but next thing I remember is the fridge hitting me again, and here I woke up!
St. Peter is now rolling on the ground, unable to hold back tears of joy as he listens to the end. He looks at the remaining guy and says, still laughing: “OK, it’s gonna be hard to beat that one, but go ahead!”.
Steve: Compared to the other two, my death is quite dull. See, I was just fucking this chick I met on Tinder last night, when all of a sudden the main door opened. “Shit, my husband’s back” she said.
“I’ll go and distract him; you go find somewhere to hide!”. So I hide in the fridge, heard a loud argument, and last thing I remember is waking up here...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e8cxc/three_men_die_and_go_to_heaven_long/
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Did you hear about the Quasimodo look alike contest?

The police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e8b67/did_you_hear_about_the_quasimodo_look_alike/
%
Yale educated

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was not good at counting money and adding up figures.
"Where did you get your financial education?" he asked.
"Yale," replied the lad.
"And what's your name?" barked the manager.
"Yim Yohnston," he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e89n3/yale_educated/
%
If Black Panther and Storm had kids, what would they be called?

Thunder Cats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e86yq/if_black_panther_and_storm_had_kids_what_would/
%
a priest and a rabbi are running away from a burning orphanage

the priest says “what about the kids?!”. the rabbi says “fuck the kids!”. the priest stops dead in his tracks and says “ what, you think we’ll have time?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e84n6/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_running_away_from_a/
%
A lieutenant was walking down the road when he saw a boy playing with a pile of shit...

He walks up to the boy and asks, "What are you doing with that pile of shit?" The boy replies "Im building an NCO."
The lieutenant thought it was hilarious and goes and gets his captain to show him. The captain asks the kid "Why are you playing with that pile of shit." Again, the boy replies "Im building an NCO."
The commander also thought it was hilarious and decides to get the first sergeant to show him. The first sergeant approaches the boy and again asks him what he's doing, and again the boy responds with "Im building and NCO."
The first sergeant asks him "Why are you building an NCO?"
"Well first sergeant, I didnt have enough shit to build an Officer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e83ec/a_lieutenant_was_walking_down_the_road_when_he/
%
Indian with one testicle

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got
around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away
for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all
the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
So what is the moral of this
story?
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e82sd/indian_with_one_testicle/
%
So a Army Ranger, Recon Marine, Seal, and a Delta Operator are sitting around a campfire.

So the Ranger being a Ranger starts bragging about how tough he is... “you think you guys are tough?” he says
“I’ve parachuted behind enemy lines, did a 50 mile night march and killed a dozen terrorist with my bare hands.”
The Recon Marine is like “man that ain’t shit”
“I’ve landed on a beach, in the dark, marched 60 miles without stopping and killed 50 terrorist with my hands.”
Unimpressed the Seal is like “Bitch please”
“I’ve swam 70 miles from a submarine, landed on a beach, marched 80 miles without stopping, then strangled a whole damn terrorist camp with my bare hands.”
The Seal gives them all this big shit eating grin, and then turns to the Delta Operator and says “Top that”
The Delta guy doesn’t say a word.
Just shakes his head,
and keeps stirring the coals of the fire with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e82cb/so_a_army_ranger_recon_marine_seal_and_a_delta/
%
Tough business

“I started a business breeding chickens, but I'm struggling to make hens meet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e80uq/tough_business/
%
What's the difference between ET and an illegal immigrant?

ET learned English and wanted to go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e7utv/whats_the_difference_between_et_and_an_illegal/
%
Koala bears are smart

A koala bear picks up a prostitute and after  tries to sneak out of the motel room before the prostitute wakes up. As he opens the door, the protitute wakes up and says "where do you think you're going? You haven't paid me yet". The koala is confused and refuses to pay, so the protitute says "let's look in a dictionary for the definition of prostitute". The two proceed to look up the definition to find that it is 'someone who has sex for money'. The Koala then flips a few pages back to the definition of koala, then walks out of the room. Confused, the protitute looks down at the page. The dictionary says 'Koala: A furry little animal from Australia who eats bush and leaves'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e7uc3/koala_bears_are_smart/
%
A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Iowan are travelling down the Amazon River in a canoe...

They get abducted by Natives who tell them,
"We will use your skin to make conoes, you may kill yourself in any way you like."
The Frenchman asks for a knife and says, "Viva la France!" And he slits his throat and dies.
Next, they ask the Englishman how he would like to die. He asks for a gun and yells, "God save the Queen!" And he shoots himself in the head.
Next is the Iowan, they ask what how he would like to die,
"Gimme a fork!"
"A fork?" "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, gimme a fork!"
So they provide the Iowan with the fork and he starts stabbing himself and screaming,
"Ahhhh!" "To hell with your conoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e7rq2/a_frenchman_an_englishman_and_an_iowan_are/
%
Amputate?

Doctor: Mr. Franco, I'm sorry to tell you that your leg has developed gangrene, and if we don't amputate immediately, you may die due to infection.
Shall I schedule the surgery?
Mr. Franco:  Hmm... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e7n3m/amputate/
%
Mac Miller recently passed away.

All of his homies are wearing their pants at half mast in his honor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e7m92/mac_miller_recently_passed_away/
%
I was gonna tell you guys a time traveling joke

But you guys didn’t like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e7l1d/i_was_gonna_tell_you_guys_a_time_traveling_joke/
%
A hen is having a talk with its chick

Chick: Why do humans get names but we don't? We are only called hens, or chickens or roosters.
Hen: Well, WE might not get names but when we die, we have many names. Humans on the other hand, are only called zombies or ghosts.
Chick: What are we called when we die then?
Hen: Names such as, curry chicken, roast chicken, fried chicken..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e7knl/a_hen_is_having_a_talk_with_its_chick/
%
The Hardest Day of my Life Was When Our Interior Design Class Went Camping.

It was pretty in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e7gan/the_hardest_day_of_my_life_was_when_our_interior/
%
Why don't they do reverse cowgirl in the South?

Because you never turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e7ejo/why_dont_they_do_reverse_cowgirl_in_the_south/
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A young man has sex for the first time

The young man was very nervous about having sex with his girlfriend for the very first time, because he was convinced that his penis would be too small.
Eventually he realized that he could not postpone it forever and he nervously invited her over to his house.
Hesitatingly he started to take off his clothes and after that he dimmed the lights. Very carefully he started taking off her clothes and he started stroking her.
Finally he nervously nestled his erection inside her hand, hoping she didn't realize how small it was.
"No thank you," she said, "I don't smoke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e7ei8/a_young_man_has_sex_for_the_first_time/
%
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e7d3i/i_used_to_steal_mitch_hedberg_jokes/
%
The Handsaw

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his dick and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e7c6b/the_handsaw/
%
Me: it smells like upsexy in here...

My crush: what’s updog?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e7a1v/me_it_smells_like_upsexy_in_here/
%
Man with a speech impediment goes shopping...

First he goes to the bakers, "can I have a bum please?" he asks.  "Do you mean a bun?" Says the baker.  "Yes," the man replies, buys the bun and gets on his way...
Next he goes to the electrical store, "can I have a sucket please?" he asks.  "Do you mean a socket?" Says the shop assistant.  "Yes," the man replies, buys the socket and gets on his way...
Lastly he goes to the clockmakers, "can I have a cock please?" he asks.  "Do you mean a clock?" Says the clockmaker.  "Yes," the man replies, buys the clock and leaves...
On his way home a lady approached and asked the man if he had the time...
The man turned to the lady and said, "Just hold my bum and sucket while I get my cock out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e789h/man_with_a_speech_impediment_goes_shopping/
%
Wives are like grenades.

Pull the ring, and the house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e73mz/wives_are_like_grenades/
%
My wife walked into the house after a long day at work. She looked tired and stressed. I said, " Did anyone tell you, you look beautiful?"

She smiled and said, " No"
I said, "One day, one day"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e7320/my_wife_walked_into_the_house_after_a_long_day_at/
%
A captain was caught watching porn while on his shift...

He was demoted to a Lewdtenant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e730l/a_captain_was_caught_watching_porn_while_on_his/
%
Who’s the only guy who can defeat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e71x3/whos_the_only_guy_who_can_defeat_captain_america/
%
My girlfriend turned out to be a dog entirely made out of bleach

Should have seen the signs, she always acted like a basic bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e71d7/my_girlfriend_turned_out_to_be_a_dog_entirely/
%
When I was getting my prostate exam I asked the doctor were I should put my pants..

"Over there beside mine." Was not the answer I was expecting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6wz2/when_i_was_getting_my_prostate_exam_i_asked_the/
%
A group of people are touring an old, 16th-century castle one day.

The tour guide seems to be doing a great job, explaining things in detail, when one of the tourists asks a question.
"I heard from a friend that this castle was haunted! Is that true?"
The tour guide, without hesitation, says "Oh no, I've been here for 300 years and I've never seen any paranormal activity."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6u5w/a_group_of_people_are_touring_an_old_16thcentury/
%
Sex is like steak

you may enjoy it raw but that's how you get diseases

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6qlv/sex_is_like_steak/
%
A nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

“Damn” she says “Some asshole has my pen.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6qkq/a_nurse_reaches_into_her_pocket_and_pulls_out_a/
%
Duck Trade

A farmer had a duck but no use for it. One day the father says, "Son, we don’t need the duck. Take it to the market and sell. In the process you might learn something about trade.”
So the son takes the duck and heads to the city. Upon arriving he runs into a hooker. She says, "Hey, wanna have some fun.
He replied that I don’t have any money. She said, “your duck looks pretty delicious, I’ll take that as a payment.”
She takes him to a room and they had their fun. She liked it so much that she wanted him to go again. He said, “I told you that I don’t have any money.” she said, “I’ll give you your duck back if we fuck again.
So, they had their fun again. The kid takes the duck and start walking to the market. As he’s crossing the street he trips and falls. The duck flies out of hit his hands and falls in the middle of the road. A truck was coming by, which runs over the duck. Driver comes out, apologizing profusely. Driver says, “I only have two bucks please take it, that’s all I’ve got.“ The kid takes the money and heads home.
When the kid gets home the father is curious how the day went. He asked his son, “how did it go son?”
The boy says, “dad, I got a fuck for the duck, duck for a fuck and 2 buck for a fucked-up duck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6pfy/duck_trade/
%
3 vampires walk into a bar

.
2 of them order Bloody Mary's, and the third asks for water.
They ask him, "Why did you order water?"
He pulls out a tampon and says "Im making tea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6p3u/3_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I asked Rick Astley if I could borrow some Disney DVDs...

He said, "You can take Cars and Lion King but I'm never gonna give you UP!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6ofy/i_asked_rick_astley_if_i_could_borrow_some_disney/
%
The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is

Glucose Guardian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6od0/the_gender_neutral_term_for_sugar_daddy_is/
%
At Pac-Man's house ...

- What are we going to eat today?
- ...........
- Fuck yeah!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6o4i/at_pacmans_house/
%
What wobbles in the air?

A jellycopter
I can show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6mwa/what_wobbles_in_the_air/
%
Why did the woman choke on a blowpop?

She was lollygagging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6m3j/why_did_the_woman_choke_on_a_blowpop/
%
This morning I went to a meeting at my Premature Ejaculation support group..

It turns out it’s tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6ls4/this_morning_i_went_to_a_meeting_at_my_premature/
%
If money doesn’t grow on trees..

Then why do banks have branches?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6hgf/if_money_doesnt_grow_on_trees/
%
I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6au9/i_have_the_memory_of_an_elephant/
%
Where does Shrek keep his eggs

In his Ogaries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e6abu/where_does_shrek_keep_his_eggs/
%
If you sell your Xbox or PS4...

Does that make you inconsolable?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e68rd/if_you_sell_your_xbox_or_ps4/
%
Whats big, red, and eats rocks?

A big-red-rock-eater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e68er/whats_big_red_and_eats_rocks/
%
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid group was deported.

We don’t have Oleg to stand on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e67ep/one_of_the_russian_acrobats_in_our_human_pyramid/
%
How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

*hawk cough spit*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e65cw/how_do_you_get_rid_of_unwanted_pubic_hair/
%
You know what they say;

Your body is a temple, make sure you charge people for entrance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e641o/you_know_what_they_say/
%
What do you call a pig doing karate?

A pork chop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e62hs/what_do_you_call_a_pig_doing_karate/
%
Rape

small word, long sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e61e6/rape/
%
Three Couples, Two Straight and One Gay

Three couples, two straight and one gay, are on a cruise when the ship gets hit by a tidal wave.  The ship capsizes and they all drown and find themselves before St. Peter.
The first straight couple goes up and asks St. Peter "Can we enter heaven?"
St. Peter replies "You, sir, are a glutton!  You have always loved food more than anything else.  You love food so much that you even married a woman named Candy!"  In a puff of smoke, they are sent to Hell.
The second straight couple goes up and asks St. Peter "Can we enter heaven?"
St. Peter replies "You, sir, are greedy!  You have always loved money more than anything else.  You love money so much that you even married a woman named Penny!"  In a puff of smoke, they are sent to Hell.
At this point, one of the gay guys leans over to his partner and whispers "It's not looking good, Dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e60jr/three_couples_two_straight_and_one_gay/
%
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e5z8x/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
Wife: "I regret getting you that Blender for christmas!"

Me: *Drinking Toast* "Why?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e5vpq/wife_i_regret_getting_you_that_blender_for/
%
Most people know who Ludwig Van Beethoven is.

But not many realize that when he passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said: "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.
He listened for a while longer, and said: "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening: "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.
"My fellow citizens, there is nothing to worry about,
It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e5udo/most_people_know_who_ludwig_van_beethoven_is/
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Basketball tournament

Two priests joined up together to play one-on-one basketball. After the game was over, one of the priests says: "I wonder if there is basketball in heaven"
The other says "of course there is, heaven is a place of joy and since we both find joy in playing basketball it must be in heaven"
They both laugh and get acquainted with one another and both promise that when one of them dies, they will visit the remaining priest and tell them if there is a basketball court in heaven.
One of the priests dies of a heart attack and the other mourns his death by heading the funeral. That night his friend kept his promise.
"My friend" he says "I have good news, there is basketball in heaven"
The alive priest, in his dream, says "That's amazing! I cant wait to play with you again"
"Well don't worry my friend, there's a basketball tournament tomorrow and I've already chosen you to be on my team"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e5rhv/basketball_tournament/
%
An Irishman goes to a doctor

Doctor: I'm not completely sure what's bothering you Murphy but it might be because of heavy drinking.
Murphy: Oh don't worry doc, I'll just come back when you're sober

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e5qzo/an_irishman_goes_to_a_doctor/
%
A blonde dropped her shirt in at the cleaners... "come again" the shop assistant said as the lady left...

"No just toothpaste", she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e5qus/a_blonde_dropped_her_shirt_in_at_the_cleaners/
%
Ya know, people can get addicted to just about anything -- I once was addicted to the Hokey Pokey,

.....but then I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e5ms4/ya_know_people_can_get_addicted_to_just_about/
%
What's a baby cow called?

Delicious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e5jqt/whats_a_baby_cow_called/
%
I think my family is racist

When i brought home my black girlfriend, my wife screamed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e5j2e/i_think_my_family_is_racist/
%
Times are hard right now. I've got a dwarf friend.

He's struggling to put food on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e5gci/times_are_hard_right_now_ive_got_a_dwarf_friend/
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Jesus said unto Peter

"Come forth and you shall receive everlasting life"
But Peter came in fifth and received a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e5d0z/jesus_said_unto_peter/
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I broke up with my gym.

We weren't working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e5asv/i_broke_up_with_my_gym/
%
Did you know that /r/prequelmemes has invaded all of reddit?

It's a surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e5ar6/did_you_know_that_rprequelmemes_has_invaded_all/
%
Is there an “f” in lieutenant?

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.
“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”
“I was told there was.”
“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”
“I’m pretty sure there is.”
The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”
“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”
“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”
“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4zpk/is_there_an_f_in_lieutenant/
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Do you know why scuba divers fall out of the boat backwards?

Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4ril/do_you_know_why_scuba_divers_fall_out_of_the_boat/
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Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4r5m/why_do_cows_have_bells/
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Why did the depressed Mexican order chinese takeout?

Because he was feeling lo mein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4ohg/why_did_the_depressed_mexican_order_chinese/
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How to fall down the stairs

Step 1
Step 2
Step 4,6,9,13,18,24

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4ney/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
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The boy was upset when he came home from school...

“Mom I was sent home from school.”
“Why is that?” ask the concerned mom.
“First the teacher asked what you get from sheep. I said wool. Then she asked what you get from a pig. I said bacon. Then she asked what you get from a fat cow. I said homework.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4nau/the_boy_was_upset_when_he_came_home_from_school/
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What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4kz0/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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My tennis player girlfriend broke up with me...

I suppose love meant nothing to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4ktp/my_tennis_player_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me/
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I was addicted to soap

But now I'm clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4j0c/i_was_addicted_to_soap/
%
What is the difference between smoking and over-eating?

I can't stop eating cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4ixk/what_is_the_difference_between_smoking_and/
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Doug Pender

... lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed. He knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a cam-corder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper route."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4hkt/doug_pender/
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What was that Italian that you always can't remember?

Affogato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4gbc/what_was_that_italian_that_you_always_cant/
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i went to a redneck barbers to day,

sat down in the chair then quickly changed my mind got up and walked away.
Think i may have dodged the mullet on this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4ehs/i_went_to_a_redneck_barbers_to_day/
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Politics is like window cleaning...

...the dirt is always on the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4cr1/politics_is_like_window_cleaning/
%
Lord Nelson was 5ft 6 inches. His statue is 17ft 4 inches.

That’s Horatio of 3:1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4cg2/lord_nelson_was_5ft_6_inches_his_statue_is_17ft_4/
%
Why does japan have such a low obesity rate

Because the last time they saw a fat man 80,000 people died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e4b3a/why_does_japan_have_such_a_low_obesity_rate/
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I wore neon green to a funeral.

It was a hue mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e49wf/i_wore_neon_green_to_a_funeral/
%
Why didn't the gay guy wear a condom?

Condoms are for fucking pussies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e48st/why_didnt_the_gay_guy_wear_a_condom/
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I'm selling a TV to a middle aged man and his wife.

Me: “So it’s between the 54 and the 58 inch TV, right?”
Husband: “Yes, but I don’t understand the difference between them.”
Me: “Well, they have the same specs all the way down the line. One is just bigger.”
Husband: “Who in the hell would pay almost $350 more for four more inches?”
Wife: “I would!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e488f/im_selling_a_tv_to_a_middle_aged_man_and_his_wife/
%
One day a nun was standing at the side of the road waiting for a cab.

A can stopped and picked up the nun. During the drive, the nun noticed that the driver kept staring at her.
She asked him why and the driver said "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."
The nun replied, "Child, you can't offend me. I've been a nun for 25 years, I've heard just about everything."
The can driver replied "In that case, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blowjob."
The nun thought for a moment and said "I suppose we could work something out, but there are two conditions: 1) You have to be single. 2) You have to be Catholic."
The cab driver nodded eagerly, "Oh yes, sister. I'm single and Catholic!"
The nun replied "Very well then, pull off into that alley."
The driver pulled the cab into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly after they had finished, the driver started crying.
The nun tried to console him. "My child, what is the matter?"
The driver said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied... I'm married and I'm Jewish!"
The nun shushed him for a moment and replied "That's okay child. My name is David and I'm on my way to a costume party."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e47so/one_day_a_nun_was_standing_at_the_side_of_the/
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You're a unit of power 'arry

I am a Watt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e460q/youre_a_unit_of_power_arry/
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Daddy's little swimmer

A class of 8 years old are at the winning pool. All the kids jump in except little Johnny who has Down Syndrom.
Teacher comes to him and asks if he can swim.
"yes I can" he answers
"Are you afraid to go in?"
"No" he answers.
"Go ahead, jump and enjoy then" says the teacher
So little Johnny jumps and starts swimming so fast and so well that he catches up with the rest of the class, overtakes then and swims back the full length way ahead of them.
He exits the pool not even out of breath. His teacher is speechless but walks to him and asks him where he learnt to swim like that.
"It's my dad" he answers
"But how did he teach you?"
"Well, every weekend, he brings me on a boat to the lake"
"oh that's great, and what does he do to teach you then"
"well, when we arrive in the middle of the lake, he pushes me overboard and I have to swim back to the shore"
The teacher is a bit shocked but since it seems to work she just says "Oh dear, it must be hard for you to swim that much"
"No," says little Johnny, "the hardest is to get out of the bag".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e45ak/daddys_little_swimmer/
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What does the baby computer call her father?

Data!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e43k7/what_does_the_baby_computer_call_her_father/
%
An English athlete, a French athlete, and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

"Don't get me wrong," says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea."
"You Englishmen," snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest pleasure in life is going on holiday without your wife, and meeting a beautiful girl with whom you have a passionate love affair with before returning home back to work."
"You Westerners are too complicated," scoffs the Russian. "The greatest pleasure in life is when you are sleeping at home and the KGB breaks your door down at 3 a.m., bursts into your room and says 'Ivan Ivanovitch, you are under arrest' and you can reply 'Sorry, comrade, Ivan Ivanovitch lives next door.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e42i5/an_english_athlete_a_french_athlete_and_a_russian/
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Bill Cosby on a date: "Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable..."

…like a coma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e40wu/bill_cosby_on_a_date_why_dont_you_slip_into/
%
I baked some synonym buns this morning

Just like grammar used to make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e3yn3/i_baked_some_synonym_buns_this_morning/
%
What do you call a person who designs dog houses

A barkitecht

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e3vyi/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_designs_dog_houses/
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My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be...

a flop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e3uvh/my_sandal_invention_for_people_with_one_leg_turn/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They wait with the bulb in the socket for the world to revolve around them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e3qyz/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How does Harry Potter go down a hill?

Walking
jk, rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e3quy/how_does_harry_potter_go_down_a_hill/
%
A kid asks his dad: "Dad, what's it like to be drunk?"

"You see those 2 chairs, son? A drunk person would see 4."
"But, dad, there's only 1 chair in there..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e3ok7/a_kid_asks_his_dad_dad_whats_it_like_to_be_drunk/
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The final word on nutrition and health.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e3mfi/the_final_word_on_nutrition_and_health/
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As a guy who is a feminist I hate man-splaining,

I wish woman could understand things on their own instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e3m1h/as_a_guy_who_is_a_feminist_i_hate_mansplaining/
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My sense of humor is my best weapon...

... and that’s why I always end up in the hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e3epw/my_sense_of_humor_is_my_best_weapon/
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How do you make 5lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e3eiu/how_do_you_make_5lbs_of_fat_look_good/
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"They say that if you do what you love, it's never a job."

"How inspirational.  Unfortunately your unemployment claim has been denied."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e3ci7/they_say_that_if_you_do_what_you_love_its_never_a/
%
A local anti-alcohol protester walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey and a glass of water

. The bartender, surprised to see the protester in the bar at all, much less ordering alcohol, asks him what he's doing. "Just watch," the protester replies. He drops a worm in the shot of whiskey, and another worm in the water. Within minutes the worm in the whiskey dies. "Now, what does that tell you about alcohol?" the protester smugly asks the bartender. "Pretty clear," the bartender replies. "If you drink whiskey you won't get worms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e37s3/a_local_antialcohol_protester_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Are you two ladies from Scotland?

- It is Wales, you idiot!
- I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e2zl1/are_you_two_ladies_from_scotland/
%
My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....

Sound advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e2uhw/my_friend_told_me_that_for_minimal_lag_i_should/
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They say climbing stairs is like losing a child.

It never get's easier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e2tu6/they_say_climbing_stairs_is_like_losing_a_child/
%
Do you ever look at the way someone has parked in a disabled spot and think...

Yep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e2sn5/do_you_ever_look_at_the_way_someone_has_parked_in/
%
Did you hear the fog that died,

He shall be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e2r0v/did_you_hear_the_fog_that_died/
%
Im still looking for my dreamwoman

Too bad im an insomniac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e2q0r/im_still_looking_for_my_dreamwoman/
%
Your mama's so poor,

she walks around with one shoe and when people ask her if she lost a shoe she says, "no, I found one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e2joq/your_mamas_so_poor/
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I have never understood why women

love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e2idk/i_have_never_understood_why_women/
%
Three men find themselves at the pearly gates...

The men walk up to the gate and St. Peter greets them and says,
“You have made it to heaven, now all you have to do is pass the test to see what your fate will be.”
“What is the test?”
One man replied.
Peter says,
“You must walk through the room of ducks. If you are able to make it to the other side with out stepping on a duck you will be paired with most beautiful woman in the world for all eternity.”
The men start rejoicing, but Peter stops them and warns,
“BUT If you step on a duck you will be paired with the ugliest woman in the world for all eternity.”
The first man enters the room with confidence. He makes it only about half way and steps on a duck.
Peter says,
“You have failed. You will be paired with the ugliest woman in the world for all eternity.”
The second man says,
“I can do this! Step aside.”
The man makes it almost all the way through, but unfortunately steps on a duck just short of victory.
Peter says to the man,
“You have failed. You will be paired with the second ugliest woman in the world for all eternity.”
The last man is hesitant to enter the room, but he eventually makes it all the way through with out stepping on a single duck.
Peter exclaims,
“You have made it! You will be paired with the most beautiful woman in the world for all eternity!”
The man is suddenly transported beside the woman.
He turns to the woman and asks,
“How did you get here?”
She replies, “I don’t know, but I stepped on a duck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e2eds/three_men_find_themselves_at_the_pearly_gates/
%
I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.

I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
She replies: Why?
I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e2d85/i_was_shopping_with_my_wife_and_i_couldnt_find/
%
2 Drunks and a Hotdog

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."
The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"
The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"
The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."
So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.
The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."
The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e2cvp/2_drunks_and_a_hotdog/
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What's the last thing that r/pcmasterrace would do to XBox/PlayStation users?

Console them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e2agu/whats_the_last_thing_that_rpcmasterrace_would_do/
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What did Oedipus say when we went down on a girl?

Nom, mom, mom, mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e22d5/what_did_oedipus_say_when_we_went_down_on_a_girl/
%
What do you call a train full of prostitutes?

A train of Thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e22a9/what_do_you_call_a_train_full_of_prostitutes/
%
A shark and his son go looking for a snack...

The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them."
"Why circle them?" asks the son.
The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e205l/a_shark_and_his_son_go_looking_for_a_snack/
%
Guy: "Is anybody here named Jeff?"

Jeff: "Yes"
Geoff: "Yeos"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e2058/guy_is_anybody_here_named_jeff/
%
A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...

He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e1z91/a_man_enters_a_pun_contest_in_a_local_paper/
%
A guy is late to a college exam (longish)

The professor is a known hard ass and when he arrives the professor tells him that because was late he can't take the test.  The guy insists and snatches a test off the professors desk. He sits down and furiously starts to write his answers.
Students start to finish the test one by one and stack there papers on the professors desk for grading before leaving for the day.
The guy is the last student left, and he walks up to the professor, but before he can do anything the professor says "I told you before you started you can't take this test because you were late, I won't grade your exam. You get a zero."
The guy is upset, he starts to yell "do you know who I am? Do you know my father?  Do you know my name?"
The professor smirks "I have 100 students in every class, not only do I not know who you are, I don't care."
The guy says "Good!" He smiles and quickly shoves his exam into the middle of the pile of papers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e1pxo/a_guy_is_late_to_a_college_exam_longish/
%
What do you call a Transformer in a cardboard box?

Amazon Prime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e1ob1/what_do_you_call_a_transformer_in_a_cardboard_box/
%
Some people are so ungrateful

When i wake up early, do the dishes, wash the house, go out with the dog and bring you breakfest to bed i expect a "thank you" and not "who the hell are you and how did you get in my house"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e1lzq/some_people_are_so_ungrateful/
%
I am shocked at how many youth today do anal bleaching

I am always hearing them talk about changing their ring tone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e1jql/i_am_shocked_at_how_many_youth_today_do_anal/
%
Issac Newton is the reason i'm tired in the morning...

...since an object at rest tends to stay at rest.
Also, because it's too damn early this think about physics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e1ern/issac_newton_is_the_reason_im_tired_in_the_morning/
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A lumber jack went into a forest....

Upon entering he found a tree and began his first swing when the tree suddenly shouted, “wait I’m a talking tree”
And the lumberjack grinned and said,
“And you will dialogue”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e1e5s/a_lumber_jack_went_into_a_forest/
%
What's the hardest thing about having an affair with a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e16js/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_having_an_affair/
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Why do pictures rotated counter clockwise hate giving high fives

Because they're always *left hanging*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e12ve/why_do_pictures_rotated_counter_clockwise_hate/
%
Why does japan have such a Low birth rate?

Because the last time they saw a little boy, 90000 people died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e11ty/why_does_japan_have_such_a_low_birth_rate/
%
Where do all the New York City landscapers live?

Lawn Guy Land

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e0y6j/where_do_all_the_new_york_city_landscapers_live/
%
One ghost asked another ghost, "what's the most expensive thing you ever bought?"

The other replied, "the farm"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e0szi/one_ghost_asked_another_ghost_whats_the_most/
%
There was a family of moles underground.

They were just relaxing down there when the father mole pokes his head out the hole and says “wow, I smell sugar”. The mother mole is interested so she pokes her head out the hole and exclaims” wow I smell glucose!” Then the mother mole calls her son over and he says “ holy cow I smell fructose!” The sister mole wants to catch a whiff of the smell and climbs to the hole. Sadly the hole is clogged by her family and she said “ all I smell is molasses”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e0pjc/there_was_a_family_of_moles_underground/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e0ojy/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
A policeman is walking an illegal prostitute back to his police car...

On the way there, the policeman bumps into his captain. The captain asks: "what's going on here then?" The policeman replies: "I found an illegal prostitute on the sidewalk sir" The captain says: "I can see that, but why the hell are you the one in the handcuffs?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e0i28/a_policeman_is_walking_an_illegal_prostitute_back/
%
What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir-line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e0hfu/whats_it_called_when_a_king_and_queen_have_no/
%
Had a colonoscopy the other day,

Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e0g7o/had_a_colonoscopy_the_other_day/
%
What do you call someone that doesn’t fart in public?

#A private tutor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e0fwl/what_do_you_call_someone_that_doesnt_fart_in/
%
A man walks into a bar...

and on the menu he sees Hamburgers $5, Cheeseburgers $6, Handjobs $10. He walks up to the bar and a beautiful brunette comes to take his order. She seductively leans over the bar and asks the man, “Can I get you something dear?”  The man says “Are you the one that makes the burgers and gives the handjobs?”  She grins and says “I sure am honey” and winks at him. He says “Great, can you wash your hands, I’d love a cheeseburger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e0fsw/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did the Mexican lady say when Travis and her were having sex?

¡Otra vez!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e0e12/what_did_the_mexican_lady_say_when_travis_and_her/
%
If Burt Reynolds gets cremated

He will be Burnt Reynolds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e06ji/if_burt_reynolds_gets_cremated/
%
An elderly man was driving down the highway when his phone rang.

It was his wife urgently warning him: “Honey, I just heard on the news that there’s some lunatic in a car going the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful!”
“It’s worse than that,” said the man, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9e04ux/an_elderly_man_was_driving_down_the_highway_when/
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Why is it good to be a dissector?

You can cracking open a cold one with the boys everyday at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dzzj8/why_is_it_good_to_be_a_dissector/
%
I saw a guy with no shoes today

Couldn't tell if he was homeless or protesting Nike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dzqyz/i_saw_a_guy_with_no_shoes_today/
%
To the person who stole my antidepressants...

I hope you’re happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dzq86/to_the_person_who_stole_my_antidepressants/
%
I played the part of "tree" in my theater's production four times.

Guess I'm pretty well-rooted in the part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dzq43/i_played_the_part_of_tree_in_my_theaters/
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Over the last month, Elon Musk seems to be embroiled in one scandal after another.

Elon-Gate seems to be a long drawn out affair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dzndl/over_the_last_month_elon_musk_seems_to_be/
%
Anal sex is like spinach

If you forced to have it as a kid, you won't enjoy it as a adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dzllx/anal_sex_is_like_spinach/
%
There once was a noble who was accused of conspiracy against his country...

When brought before the court, he was given a chance to out the people he was conspiring with to spare himself, but the noble refused to give any information.  After trying several times the court gave up, convicted him of conspiracy, and sentenced him to death by way of beheading on the chopping block.
All the way up until his execution date, the noble refused to talk, but just as he was tied up, placed on the chopping block, and the executioner raised his axe, the count balked.
"Wait!  Wait!  I'll talk!  I'll tell you who I've been working with!" the noble cried, but it was too late.  The executioner's blade came down and the noble was beheaded.  As such, the court never found out who else was conspiring against them.
Thus, the moral of the story: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dzknl/there_once_was_a_noble_who_was_accused_of/
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My Doctor gave me something to treat my hemorrhoids.

But I'm not so sure they deserve a treat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dzg64/my_doctor_gave_me_something_to_treat_my/
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Homesick Salesman

A traveling salesman, in the middle of his two-week stint on the road,  walks into a whore house. The salesman whips out $300.00 and hands it to  the Madam of the house.
"Give me the WORST lay you have here." he says.
The Madam, looking confused, says, "But sir, for this kind of money, you can have one of my very BEST girls."
The salesman, not to be discouraged, says, "Please, I just want the WORST piece of ass in the house."
The Madam, now getting a bit upset replies, "Sir, for $300.00, you could get the best lay of your life."
Sheepishly the salesman says, "I don't want the best lay of my life. I'm not horny - I'm homesick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dze9h/homesick_salesman/
%
A young guy walks into a bar and asks for 6 shots of Tequila..

The bartender asks what he is celebrating. He says his first blowjob.
The bartender says have one more on the house.
The guy says if 6 won't get the taste out, 7 won't help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dzcb2/a_young_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_6_shots/
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I'm getting sick of spending time with my Scottish family and their Scottish cows...

Wee kin, wee cow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dzb2n/im_getting_sick_of_spending_time_with_my_scottish/
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I asked my friend if sex changed much after his vasectomy.

He said he didn’t see a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dz5sz/i_asked_my_friend_if_sex_changed_much_after_his/
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I know there are about to be a lot of jokes about Mac Miller but please, keep the quantity down

I'd hate to overdose on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dz2ru/i_know_there_are_about_to_be_a_lot_of_jokes_about/
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If there's one thing we can learn from Mac Miller...

It's how to get out of attending your ex's wedding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dz0is/if_theres_one_thing_we_can_learn_from_mac_miller/
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What's a duck's favorite drug?

Quack Cocaine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dyzn0/whats_a_ducks_favorite_drug/
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A shipwrecked group

A shipwreck left a group of 4 men and a woman stranded on an island.  It quickly became apparent that rescue was unlikely and they did their best to adapt to their new circumstances.  A part of that was the agreement that each man would get one week if the month to partner with the woman for sex & adult activities.
This contined for some years and the people accepted their situation.  Unfortunately the woman took ill and passed away.
For the first month, they were coming to terms and carried on.
For the second month, the men were understandably upset but made the best of their situation.
For the third month, they were getting pretty broken up.
By the fourth month, the men just couldn't stand it anymore and agreed to bury her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dyz33/a_shipwrecked_group/
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What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dyxp5/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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Today my son was sent home from school for receiving a hand-job from a girl in his class for the third time this year. Each time this has happened he has been given a stern talking to from the principal and had to change schools.

Tired of constantly moving around, I said to him "Son if this keeps happening
they are going to ban you from teaching altogether."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dys2e/today_my_son_was_sent_home_from_school_for/
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A Frenchman, an Italian and and Englishman are sitting around a bar table....

The Frenchman says “I made love to my wife last night, and it was so good that when she climaxed she rose six inches off the bed”.
The Italian says “that’s nothing, when me and my girlfriend had sex last night, her convulsions sent her a full foot off the bed”.
The Englishman says “what a load of bollocks. I knobbed my mrs last night, shot my bolt after two pumps, stood up and wiped my cock off on the curtains and she hit the fucking roof!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dyryw/a_frenchman_an_italian_and_and_englishman_are/
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Three strings were walking down the street looking for a good time.

They come upon a bar and figure they'd go in for a drink. The first one stops & points out a sign to the others "No Strings Allowed". Well, the first one, not wanting to be discriminated against says "Screw this, I'm going in." As he enters the bar, the bartender shouts "HEY STRING, get out! no strings allowed in here," as he pulls out some scissors. The string slowly backs out of the bar and tells his friends. The 2nd string says, "i'm not putting up with that!" and goes in. Again, the bartender yells, this time coming out from behind the bar with his scissors "Hey! No strings allowed in here!" Seeing the large bartender coming towards him, the 2nd string turns and goes back outside. The 3rd string says, "well, i don't care, i'm getting a drink". But before he enters, the 3rd string musses his ends and ties himself up in the middle. He enters the bar and the bartender shouts again "Hey, No Strings Allowed." The 3rd string calmly says, "I'm no string". The bartender pauses and says, "you're not a string?" and was somewhat confused. The 3rd string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dyqje/three_strings_were_walking_down_the_street/
%
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius..

But his brother Frank was a monster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dyp7t/we_all_know_albert_einstein_was_a_genius/
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Turns out Matthew McCoughnehey is a racist...

... I guess we should've known he was part of the alt-right alt-right alt-right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dyhim/turns_out_matthew_mccoughnehey_is_a_racist/
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A porn enthusiast, a carpenter, and Alexander the Great walk into a bar.

They came, they saw, they conquered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dy2ee/a_porn_enthusiast_a_carpenter_and_alexander_the/
%
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dy11w/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
You are what you eat

Nice try, Cannibal Society of America!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dy096/you_are_what_you_eat/
%
Four men are stuck on a desert island...

Four men are stuck on a desert island, but one of the men suddenly drops dead.
The remaining three men decides the best way to survive is that they eat his dead body, and that they should decide who gets what by which football team they support.
The 1st guy says: "I support Liverpool, so I should get the liver"
The 2nd dude says; "I support Manchester United, so I'll eat his chest"
The 3rd male human says: "I support Arsenal, and I think I've lost my appetite..."
Old but gold ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dxyi6/four_men_are_stuck_on_a_desert_island/
%
They are 70 ways to keep a man happy.

## Alcohol and the other 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dxxjx/they_are_70_ways_to_keep_a_man_happy/
%
What kind of stone are golems made from?

Israelite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dxu8v/what_kind_of_stone_are_golems_made_from/
%
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

Gloves! Just kidding, I have no idea. He hasn’t opened it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dxtmu/what_did_the_boy_with_no_arms_get_for_christmas/
%
If the rap god and rap devil are fighting?

Does that mean we all missed the rapture?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dxqf5/if_the_rap_god_and_rap_devil_are_fighting/
%
A rabbit and a bear stumble upon a magic lamp.(some of you may have heard it)

They rub it and a genie appears. The genie promises each of them three wishes each but they'd have to take turns making the wishes.
It's the bear first, so he goes "I wish all the bears in this jungle were female with the exception of me."
The wish was granted.
The rabbit's turn. He goes" I wish for a bike helmet."
And just like that a bike helmet appears out of thin air. Now the Bear's second wish, he goes " Turn all of the bears in the neighbouring jungle female"
Wish granted.
The rabbit's second wish. He goes " I wish for a bike" and he gets it.
Now the bear is thinking what a stupid creature this rabbit is. The bear's last wish. He goes "I want you to turn all the bears in the world female with the exception of me." Wish granted. Now the bear is bursting with excitement. The rabbit's last wish. He jumps on the bike and starts it, puts on the helmet and goes " Turn this bear gay" and rides away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dxmxq/a_rabbit_and_a_bear_stumble_upon_a_magic_lampsome/
%
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dxkx1/i_got_my_best_friend_a_fridge_for_her_birthday/
%
A plane is going to crash

A woman rips her shirt off and shouts "I wanna feel like a woman one more time". A man a few rows back rips his shirt off as well and shouts "Take it, you can iron this too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dxjbx/a_plane_is_going_to_crash/
%
I had an interview for a position as a car salesman.

The interviewer handed me his laptop and said, “Here, sell this to me.”
I took the laptop and stuck it in my bag and left. Three hours later he called and asked for his laptop back. I said, “You want to buy it back?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dx67i/i_had_an_interview_for_a_position_as_a_car/
%
Son: Dad, my wife is pregnant.

Dad: That’s great! I’m so proud of you!
Son: Thanks So-proud-of-you, I’m your son.
Dad: I have trained you well.
Edited to appease and give credit to /u/Alexxion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dx5x5/son_dad_my_wife_is_pregnant/
%
An 80 year old man walks into the doctor's office

After the examination, the doctor says: "Sir, you have to give blood, feces, urine and if possible sperm for tests." The man replied: "Well, doctor, I'm in a bit of a hurry, will it be okay if I just left my underpants?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dx2zb/an_80_year_old_man_walks_into_the_doctors_office/
%
Saturn is a really catchy name for a planet.

It has a ring to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dx1gp/saturn_is_a_really_catchy_name_for_a_planet/
%
What does the soil have in common with a mailman?

They both become hostile when you rearrange their letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dx01q/what_does_the_soil_have_in_common_with_a_mailman/
%
Why did the Italian baker close shop?

Everything went a rye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwzxp/why_did_the_italian_baker_close_shop/
%
My first sexual experience was a lot like my first foot ball game.

There was a lot of sweat and blood but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwxgm/my_first_sexual_experience_was_a_lot_like_my/
%
I gave up my seat to a blind guy on the bus.

I lost my job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwxg2/i_gave_up_my_seat_to_a_blind_guy_on_the_bus/
%
I was tasked with coming up with a clever puberty pun

But I guess I really dropped the balls on that one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwr11/i_was_tasked_with_coming_up_with_a_clever_puberty/
%
What do you call a duck on drugs?

A quackhead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwkuj/what_do_you_call_a_duck_on_drugs/
%
Hedgehog was pulling a rope in the forest

The rabbit saw and asked: "Why you are pulling this rope?" "You know... It's very hard to push it"replied hedgehog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwjya/hedgehog_was_pulling_a_rope_in_the_forest/
%
Trans...

Dad 1; What's going on, I can see through you...
Dad2: My son told me that he's a transgender... So that makes me....
transPARENT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwiu4/trans/
%
what do you call a nun in a wheel chair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwisc/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheel_chair/
%
A local monastery decides to test the competence of its nuns.

In an attempt to determine if the nuns at the local monastery are qualified to perform their sisterly duties, the monastery decides to hand out exams.
The majority of the sisters score well but one in particular, sister Encarnacion does outstandingly well.
In an attempt to preserve very humble nature of sister Encarnacion, the head priest decides not to release the results to the staff.
Although Sister Encarnacion did better than everyone else, she was Nun the wiser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwhss/a_local_monastery_decides_to_test_the_competence/
%
I went for an interview at IKEA.

The manager greeted me by saying, "Come in, make a seat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwg7y/i_went_for_an_interview_at_ikea/
%
I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?".

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwg0f/i_was_carrying_my_ukulele_in_its_case_at_school/
%
Three friends bragged about who has had the most sex...

Friend A said “You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and I have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women.”
Friend B says “Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women.”
Friend C said “I have you all beat, I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwfxp/three_friends_bragged_about_who_has_had_the_most/
%
I was helping my sister move when she said, "do you wanna box?"

Why was she so mad when I punched her in the face?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwfwa/i_was_helping_my_sister_move_when_she_said_do_you/
%
So I recently got engaged, and used to visit my future in-laws' house quite frequently...

My fiance had a step sister, who used to tease me a lot. She used to stared at me across the dining table, used to bend down while wearing a skirt, etc.
A couple of days before the wedding, she called me at the house to help her make the invitation cards. When I arrived, there was no one at the house. I went upstairs to her bedroom, knocked and went in. I sat down beside her, and started making the cards.
After a while, she said "Before you get married, I want to fuck you just once. Please"
I got up, went out of the room and after opening the door of the house, I saw my parents, fiance, and my future in-laws running towards me with tears in their eyes, saying "You've passed!"
**Moral of the story:** Always keep the condoms in the car!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwfqa/so_i_recently_got_engaged_and_used_to_visit_my/
%
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, ...

... but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said.  "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity!  That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had!  But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwf5f/when_the_store_manager_returned_from_lunch_he/
%
We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwcia/we_used_to_have_empires_run_by_emperors_then_we/
%
2 police officers were called to a domestic abuse,

2 police officers were called to a domestic abuse call. when they got there they had to call for backup. 2 police cars showed up making it 6 officers at the scene,
they called headquarters and spoke to their Captain.
"Captain we have a murder here"
"what happened?"
"a wife shot and killed her husband for walking on her still wet mopped kitchen floor"
"well, have you arrested her yet?"
"Not yet, the kitchen floor is still wet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dwagu/2_police_officers_were_called_to_a_domestic_abuse/
%
Who was the first man diagnosed with erectile dysfunction?

Cain.
He wasn't Abel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dw8g5/who_was_the_first_man_diagnosed_with_erectile/
%
I accidentally gave my dog some baking soda

Now she's a basic bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dw6b3/i_accidentally_gave_my_dog_some_baking_soda/
%
Did you hear about the defendant with a litigation fettish?

He got off on a technicality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dw24a/did_you_hear_about_the_defendant_with_a/
%
I decided to have a chat with my son the other day about gender reassignment, and I really wanted to be frank with him.

But some days I can't help but be Susan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dvth8/i_decided_to_have_a_chat_with_my_son_the_other/
%
What’s a priest’s favorite non-bible verse?

It’s not adultery if they’re not adults

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dvryi/whats_a_priests_favorite_nonbible_verse/
%
Two antennas

Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dvr4f/two_antennas/
%
"Doctor, I've decided to get a vasectomy"

The doctor said, "Mr. Smith, this is a serious decision. Have you talked it over with your wife and children?"
"Oh, yes," Mr. Smith replied. "They're in favor of it 15 to 2."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dvq3i/doctor_ive_decided_to_get_a_vasectomy/
%
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dvo7c/today_one_of_my_friends_told_me_i_often_make/
%
My girlfriend told me there is no way you can turn a hoe into a housewife

I said "Yes you can".  She said "How"?
I proposed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dvn6j/my_girlfriend_told_me_there_is_no_way_you_can/
%
RIP Boiled Water

you will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dvm35/rip_boiled_water/
%
What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at the CD store?

Pan Nick at the Disc Co.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dvjns/what_do_you_call_a_pansexual_man_named_nick_who/
%
Pet shop

“Have you got any kittens going cheap?” Asked a customer in a pet shop.
“No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dv5ss/pet_shop/
%
They say invisible ink is making a comeback

I can't see it happening

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dv2x4/they_say_invisible_ink_is_making_a_comeback/
%
A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9duzs3/a_man_rushes_into_the_emergency_room_with_10/
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Some girl I know posted on Facebook;

"My toddler crawled under the garden fence! Lol, nails and wood will be out tomorrow!xxx"
Fucking hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9duz6h/some_girl_i_know_posted_on_facebook/
%
There were these two goldfish, sitting in a tank....

One says, "You drive. I'll do the guns."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9duuya/there_were_these_two_goldfish_sitting_in_a_tank/
%
A rich man meets a poor man around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dutci/a_rich_man_meets_a_poor_man_around_christmas/
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A psychiatrist meets a new patient

The doctor is shocked by his new ward, because the man is wearing only saran wrap, no clothes.
The patient asks his new doctor, "What do you think doc', am I crazy?!"
The doctor calmly replies, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dur0u/a_psychiatrist_meets_a_new_patient/
%
A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dund3/a_man_sees_a_sign_outside_a_house_talking_dog_for/
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After sex one night a husband and wife are talking in bed. The husband asks, "Why don't you ever tell me when you're having an orgasm?"

"Because you ask me not to call you while you're at work unless it's an emergency"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dun6x/after_sex_one_night_a_husband_and_wife_are/
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In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew...

Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dumod/in_1985_new_wave_band_aha_wrote_a_song_for_a_new/
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Her: Undress me with your words.

Me: There’s a spider in your bra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dulel/her_undress_me_with_your_words/
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A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"Go right ahead," she replies.
"Plethora," he says.
"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dukkg/a_woman_is_sat_at_her_husbands_funeral_when_a_man/
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Ruth rode on my motorcycle, on the seat behind me...

I took a bump at 95, and rode on ruthlessly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dufsm/ruth_rode_on_my_motorcycle_on_the_seat_behind_me/
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My girlfriend said I have a bee in my bonnet.

I said I do otherwise it would be an "onnet"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dufny/my_girlfriend_said_i_have_a_bee_in_my_bonnet/
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Me, at the chameleon store...

Do you have any chameleons?
Clerk: I have no freaking idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dudgu/me_at_the_chameleon_store/
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Hot girl in accounting?

It's the thot that counts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9du51g/hot_girl_in_accounting/
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What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

Roman Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9du1s5/what_do_you_call_a_nun_who_walks_in_her_sleep/
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Have you heard about this new resturant called Karma

There´s no menu, you get what you deserve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dtz80/have_you_heard_about_this_new_resturant_called/
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Son: Mom, Dad, I'm Gay

Mom: *stares at dad*
Dad: *clenches fist*
Mom: "Don't"
Dad: *sweats profusely*
Mom: "..."
Dad: "Son, this isn't easy for me and this may take some time to fully accept. But you are my Son, and I love you."
Son: "Thank god. I'm glad this didn't turn out like that endlessly reposted reddit joke."
Dad: "HI Glad-this-didn't-turn-out-like-that-endlessly-reposted-reddit-joke, I'M DAD!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dtuzv/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
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What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?

I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things,
not because she is easy, but because I am hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dtqrc/what_did_jfk_say_before_going_to_visit_marilyn/
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How many cops does it need to change a broken light bulb?

No idea, but they beat up the room for being black and the bulb for being broke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dtiwh/how_many_cops_does_it_need_to_change_a_broken/
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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dtguk/a_husband_and_a_wife_sit_at_the_table_having/
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Did you hear Delta is no longer allowing road kill in checked bags?

It’s only carrion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dtfhq/did_you_hear_delta_is_no_longer_allowing_road/
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The Mayor’s meal

In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.
One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”
The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dtcrc/the_mayors_meal/
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How are lesbians and walruses different?

One has a mustache and smells like fish and the other one is a walrus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dt9p4/how_are_lesbians_and_walruses_different/
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A pessimist says the glass is half empty. An optimist says the glass is half full.

The engineer says the glass is too big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dt57g/a_pessimist_says_the_glass_is_half_empty_an/
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Two blondes fall down a well.

One says to the other one, "Isn't it dark down here?" She replies, "I don't know. I can't see."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dt4lg/two_blondes_fall_down_a_well/
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I love my toilet and all

But it exists for a shity reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dss3p/i_love_my_toilet_and_all/
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My friend stopped talking to me...

Thanks to his imaginary psychiatrist who told him I wasn't real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dsnil/my_friend_stopped_talking_to_me/
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I named my dick Hal,

Taj Mahal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dsibj/i_named_my_dick_hal/
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My Welsh grandfather passed away yesterday

He died peacefully in his sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dselz/my_welsh_grandfather_passed_away_yesterday/
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A man dies and ends up in Hell...

When he arrives, the Devil is there to greet him. "Welcome to Hell!" he says, "Now that you're here, you must choose from one of three kingdoms to spend the rest of eternity in. Be warned, however: once you make your choice, you can never leave that kingdom!"
So the devil takes the man to the entrance of the first kingdom and opens the door. The man looks inside to see millions of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor that extends forever in all directions. "This looks terrible!" says the man. "I definitely don't want to spend eternity standing on my head. Please show me the next kingdom."
So the devil takes him to the entrance of the second kingdom and opens the door. This kingdom turns out to be essentially the same, but instead everyone is standing on their heads on a concrete floor. "This is even worse than the first one!" the man says. "I'm definitely going to pass. Please show me the third kingdom now."
When the devil opens the door to the third kingdom, the man is disgusted but relieved to find that everyone is standing on their feet in an endless pile of manure that's about knee-high. "Well this is pretty gross," says the man. "But I'm sure I can get used to the smell and at least they're all standing. I think I'll go with this kingdom!"
"Are you positive?" asks the devil. "Remember you can't take back your decision."
After a moment of hesitation, the man says, "Yes, I'm sure." So the man enters and the devil shuts the door behind him. The man begins to mingle with the other people.
Off in the distance, a guard is sitting upon a watch tower. He checks his watch, picks up his megaphone and yells, "Alright everyone, break's over! Back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dsazs/a_man_dies_and_ends_up_in_hell/
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An engineer is walking down the road...

He comes upon a frog and catches it in his hands. The frog says "If you let me go I will grant you riches beyond measure." The engineer laughs and puts the frog in this pocket. The frog struggles out of his pocket and yells "DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?! I'LL MAKE YOU RICH!"
The Engineer replies "What do I need with that? I have a talking frog!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ds526/an_engineer_is_walking_down_the_road/
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My blind friend is being unrealistic again

So I told him, " don't lose sight of what's really important. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ds4vn/my_blind_friend_is_being_unrealistic_again/
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I have a superpower.... I can stop a bullet....

... once...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ds436/i_have_a_superpower_i_can_stop_a_bullet/
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What do you call a nun driving a taxi ?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9drycg/what_do_you_call_a_nun_driving_a_taxi/
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Involuntary muscle contraction

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscle Contraction” to his first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”
She replied, “I don’t know, probably golfing with his buddies.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9drwzu/involuntary_muscle_contraction/
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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9drsz3/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
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A datingsite for mac owners

Finder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9drphb/a_datingsite_for_mac_owners/
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When joking about a kid with cancer, 2 things never get old

The joke, and the kid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dro5x/when_joking_about_a_kid_with_cancer_2_things/
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An Englishman and a Frenchman...

Are walking on a beach when they both spot a genie lamp sticking out of the sand.
The both sprint towards it and five to grab it. One grabs the handle, the other grabs to spout and both rub it at the same time.
A genie pops out and says to them "you both rubbed my lamp at the same time so, because I can't split a wish in half, I'll grant you a wish each."
The Englishman obviously being a gentleman offers the first wish to the Frenchman.
The Frenchman says "Vive la France! I want all foreigners out of France so France is only for the French"
The genie snaps his fingers and the Frenchman vanishes.
The Englishman asks "what just happened?"
The genie responds "I sent him back to France and built a wall round France so no-one can get in or out"
Englishman "tell me about this wall"
Genie "it's 1000 feet high and 1000 feet thick, no one can get in and no-one can get out"
The Englishman thinks for a while and says " fill it with water"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9drlqc/an_englishman_and_a_frenchman/
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So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.
However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won’t let him by.
Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolutely gorgeous.
The man looks to the heavens, thanks God for answering his prayers, then looks to the girl and says:
“Would ya mind taking that dog for a walk?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9drfs2/so_a_guy_gets_shipwrecked_on_an_island_with/
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My son saw an airplane in the sky and he asked me what it was doing?

I said it was running AIRands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9drfqz/my_son_saw_an_airplane_in_the_sky_and_he_asked_me/
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My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type.

He needed an emergency blood transfusion but he didn't make it. It's been really tough on me but I'll always remember what he kept telling me before his death. "Be positive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9drbyz/my_dad_died_last_year_when_my_family_couldnt/
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What does black panther use as protection?

Wakondoms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dr7p9/what_does_black_panther_use_as_protection/
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A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.
The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.
First they visit heaven. It looks pretty nice. Big fluffy clouds, angels singing and playing harps, everyone seeming to enjoy themselves. The politician is pleased, if a bit underwhelmed.
Hell, on the other hand, is magnificent. It’s the most beautiful place the politician has ever seen, and everyone there is having the time of their lives. It has a buffet table filled with delicious-smelling food, a beautiful garden, a pool with a water slide, a dance floor, a massage parlor, and innumerable other attractions. It makes heaven look dull and boring and comparison.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” says the politician, “but I think I’d rather go to hell!”
“Very well,” says the spirit. “Turn around.”
When the politician turns around, though, hell appears to be completely different than it had been less than a minute ago. All of the attractions are gone, everything is on fire, and the people are screaming in agony.
“I don’t understand!” cries the politician. “This isn’t what you showed me before!”
“Well, that was the campaign,” replies the spirit. “Now you’ve voted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dr7cp/a_politician_dies_instead_of_going_straight_to/
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St. Peter and Jesus made a deal to only let the people who died in an interesting way pass through the gates of Heaven...

After a while, the first man comes to the gates of Heaven. "We have a new rule about which people we can let pass through. How did you die, my son?", asked St. Peter. "Well it's a pretty interesting story. I was late for work, and I was in a hurry. Halfway to my job, I remembered that I forgot my phone. I rushed to my house, to take it. I walked into my bedroom, and I saw my wife half naked, laying in the bed. I was furious, I could feel the blood pumping through my veins. I noticed that the door to our balcony was open. I walk out on the balcony, and I see my neighbor clinging on the fence helplessly. I couldn't control myself, I grab the hammer and I started hitting him on his fingers. I watched him fall down, but he landed in the bushes and he was still alive. Rage filled my body, I went to the kitchen, dragged the fridge to my balcony and I dropped it on him. I watched him die, and my heart just couldn't take it any more - I died from a heart attack", explained the man.
"What an amazing story! That's pretty interesting, you can pass through, who's next?", asked Jesus. In comes the second man. "Hello, we have a new rule...how did you die?", St. Peter explained again. "It was a nice afternoon, I was painting my fence on my balcony. I climbed up to reach a particularly high spot, and then I slipped. As I was falling down, I managed to grab my neighbors fence. I looked up to the sky and thanked God! But shortly after that, my neighbor walks out and starts hitting my fingers like a mad man! I lost my grip, and I hit the ground. Luckily for me, the fall was cushioned by the bushes. I looked up to the sky and thanked God once again! The next thing I saw was a fridge that landed on my head, and that's the last thing I could remember", explained the second man.
"What an amazing story, the second one today! You can pass through, who's next?", asked Jesus. In comes the third man. "Hello, we have a new rule...how did you die?", St. Peter explained the usual. "So, there I was, hiding in the fridge, after the best sex of my...",third man started explaining. Jesus jumps and interrupts him "NEXT"!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dr44o/st_peter_and_jesus_made_a_deal_to_only_let_the/
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What's the difference between a pig and a fox?

Around twelve beers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dr3yh/whats_the_difference_between_a_pig_and_a_fox/
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I said hi to a feminisit...

My trial is this weekend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dqwh0/i_said_hi_to_a_feminisit/
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Why did the ghost walk into the bar?

For the BOOze!!!
(This is my 5-year-olds favorite joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dqp9y/why_did_the_ghost_walk_into_the_bar/
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What do you call a hooker's fart?

A Prosti-toot
What do you call a hooker's boob?
A Prosti-tit
What does a hooker use to chew her food?
Her Prosti-tooth
What does a hooker wear to go hiking?
Her Prosti-boots (hey, they can't all be home runs...)
Where do you bury a hooker?
In a Prosti-tomb
What do you call a hooker in a treasure chest?
Prosti-loot
What do you call an owl hooker?
A Prosti-hoot
What does a hooker do with a gun?
Prosti-shoot
What do you call a slutty carrot?
A Prosti-root
What do you call an Eskimo hooker?
A Frosty-tute
What do you call a black hooker?
By her name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dqox9/what_do_you_call_a_hookers_fart/
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After entering a limbo competition, Paul walks into a bar

He lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dqkc3/after_entering_a_limbo_competition_paul_walks/
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What’s the difference between “there” and “they’re”?

Their meanings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dqj65/whats_the_difference_between_there_and_theyre/
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A residential building with thin walls.

One morning, an old man named Carlos, living on the 6th floor of a residential building stops a young man who lives on the 1st floor of the same residential building.
Old man Carlos says, “You stupid son of a b*tch, don’t you know how thin the walls are in this building ? When your shagging your wife every night, can’t you close her damn mouth, the whole building starts jerkin’ off when that b*tch starts moaning.”
The young man says, “What should I do, I can’t do anything.”
The old man advises him, to put duct tape on her mouth next time he shags her.
Later that night, when the young man starts f*ck his wife, he starts yelling.
“Uncle Carlos, how’s that?”
“Uncle Carlos, is it good this way?”
“Carlos, do you like it?”
All of a sudden from the 6th floor, the old man starts yelling. “You mother f*cker, remove that f*cking duct tape!! The whole building thinks you’re f*cking me!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dqek4/a_residential_building_with_thin_walls/
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It really is weird it took so long for America to legalize gay marriage

Considering they have four fathers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dqa71/it_really_is_weird_it_took_so_long_for_america_to/
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Parallel lines have so much in common

It’s a shame they will never meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dq771/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
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I just heard that someone in Chicago gets stabbed every 5 minuets!

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dq6uu/i_just_heard_that_someone_in_chicago_gets_stabbed/
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Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass...

Madame: What can we do for you?
Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.
Madame: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?
Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey...
Madame: And what about the third wish?
Tyrion: Well... she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee.
Madame: Well that one's not so bad eh?
Tyrion: Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dq5yo/tyrion_walks_into_a_brothel_with_a_honeycomb_and/
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Why won’t Obi-Wan mix you a vodka cocktail?

Only a Sith deals in Absoluts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dq3tn/why_wont_obiwan_mix_you_a_vodka_cocktail/
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I was going to tell a gay joke...

Butt fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dpyj4/i_was_going_to_tell_a_gay_joke/
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Did you hear about the Taiwanese man who was too tense?

He had a Taipei personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dpyh9/did_you_hear_about_the_taiwanese_man_who_was_too/
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One day, Paddy was driving back home after having a few drinks.

Suddenly, he noticed a tree right in front of him, so he had to swerve out of the way. A few moments later, he noticed another one and swerved again.
This carried on for the next few minutes until a cop pulled him over.
“Jesus, Paddy,” the cop said, “why are you driving like a maniac?”
“Officer, there’s trees all over the road!”
After a quick look around, the officer leaned into Paddy’s car, and sighed.
“For fucks sake Paddy, that’s just your air freshener!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dpqix/one_day_paddy_was_driving_back_home_after_having/
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What does a Polish man give his wife on their wedding night that's long and hard?

his last name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dpkhj/what_does_a_polish_man_give_his_wife_on_their/
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It was reported vanilla ice was last off the quarantined plane.

Officials remarked it was necessary as he was the illest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dphyq/it_was_reported_vanilla_ice_was_last_off_the/
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An Englishman, an Aussie and an Irishman walk into a bar

They each order a beer, when they come all three have a fly floating in them. The Englishman immediately calls the waitress over and demands a new drink. The Aussie shrugs his shoulders and downs the beer, fly and all. The Irishman grabs the fly and yells at him “you thieving shit, spit it out, spit it out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dpd4c/an_englishman_an_aussie_and_an_irishman_walk_into/
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What happened to the dead KGB agent?

Nothing. He just fell off the balcony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dp4fr/what_happened_to_the_dead_kgb_agent/
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If at first you don't succeed

then seed sucking is not for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dp30c/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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I like my women like my wine

Twelve years old and in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dp22f/i_like_my_women_like_my_wine/
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When I go to the pool

, I set my phone to update while it sits in my locker. That way I can sync and swim at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dp1zc/when_i_go_to_the_pool/
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A gorgeous woman knocks on the door of an eighty year old man.

He opens the door and says “may I help you?” She responds, “I’m here to offer you super sex!”  He says “I’ll take the soup.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9doxvw/a_gorgeous_woman_knocks_on_the_door_of_an_eighty/
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What Pokèmon blesses the rains down in Africa?

Totodile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dowmb/what_pokèmon_blesses_the_rains_down_in_africa/
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I like to sleep completely naked

I don't know why is it disgusting to some people. Dude, you can just take another bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dowlb/i_like_to_sleep_completely_naked/
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How many cops does it take..

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?
None. He fell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9doss5/how_many_cops_does_it_take/
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Why are there no casinos in China?

Because the Chinese hate Tibet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9doq5m/why_are_there_no_casinos_in_china/
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Did you hear about the man that didn't think his posture could be fixed?

He stood corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dok9c/did_you_hear_about_the_man_that_didnt_think_his/
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Once upon a time there lived a young monk named Sam

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9doij9/once_upon_a_time_there_lived_a_young_monk_named/
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A priest, doctor, and engineer were golfing.

They were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dohht/a_priest_doctor_and_engineer_were_golfing/
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I hate using my stepladder

It just reminds me I never knew my real ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9do9m9/i_hate_using_my_stepladder/
%
An empty water bottle walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “Go home. You’re drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9do619/an_empty_water_bottle_walks_into_a_bar/
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My girlfriend won't let me spank her during foreplay

So I glued her buttcheeks together. Well I guess if you can't beat them, join them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9do4pb/my_girlfriend_wont_let_me_spank_her_during/
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Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9do3z1/two_engineer_students_were_biking_across_campus/
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A policeman just pulled me over. He came up to my window and said, "papers?"

I said, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9do0kl/a_policeman_just_pulled_me_over_he_came_up_to_my/
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What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dnow7/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeves/
%
You can die from pooping too hard

So don’t take that shit too seriously

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dnkbc/you_can_die_from_pooping_too_hard/
%
I was having trouble with my motorbike so I arrived late at my girl friend's ...

she asked "what happened?"
I replied "piston broke",
and she said " I know you are, but what happened?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dn75h/i_was_having_trouble_with_my_motorbike_so_i/
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My girlfriend cheated on me while on her period.

The guy just fingered her, I caught him red-handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dn4mp/my_girlfriend_cheated_on_me_while_on_her_period/
%
Between biological males and biological females...

...there's quite a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dn1wa/between_biological_males_and_biological_females/
%
So I passed a Mexican bookstore the other day...

And I decided to have a look inside. Immediately an older Mexican couple greeted me and asked if they could help me find anything.
I said "Do you have a copy of "The Trump plan for dealing with Illegal Immigrants?"
The old man got all red and yelled "Fuck you! You get out of here and never come back!"
I said, "Yeah, that's the one! How much?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dn1hl/so_i_passed_a_mexican_bookstore_the_other_day/
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Did you hear Doritos secured an endorsement deal with the Dalai Lama?

He’s going to be the Chip-monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dn0f1/did_you_hear_doritos_secured_an_endorsement_deal/
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I met two guys wearing matching clothing..so I asked them if they're gay.

They promptly arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dmz3i/i_met_two_guys_wearing_matching_clothingso_i/
%
I think my cardiologist is in to me

He said I had acute angina

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dmyhm/i_think_my_cardiologist_is_in_to_me/
%
What did the farmer say when his tractor broke down?

Well that's the last straw....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dmx8d/what_did_the_farmer_say_when_his_tractor_broke/
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Vegans who drink water disgust me.

That's a fish's house you filthy Savage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dmvb4/vegans_who_drink_water_disgust_me/
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My girlfriend loves cats and wanted to go to a bowling alley today. So I took her out to Racks and Balls Bowling Alley & Strip Club

There might not be cats... but there will be pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dmv6z/my_girlfriend_loves_cats_and_wanted_to_go_to_a/
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Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dmspc/did_you_hear_of_the_man_with_the_same_first_and/
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Where does baseball appear in the Bible?

Genesis
In the Big Inning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dms45/where_does_baseball_appear_in_the_bible/
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A Priest and a Nun Decide to Go Golfing

They get to the first hole and tee up, the nun hits her first shot and the ball goes right in the hole. The priest steps up to shoot and hits the ball straight into a sand trap.
"God damn it, I missed!"
The nun shouts back to the priest
"Father! You shouldn't take the Lord's name in vain!"
They approach the second hole, the priest steps up to shoot and fires the ball straight into the rough.
"God damn it, I missed!"
Once again the nun shouts back to the priest
"Father! You shouldn't take the Lord's name in vain!"
They step up to the third hole and the priest fires his ball clear into the water
"God damn it, I missed!"
The nun turns to shout at the priest once more but before the words could leave her tongue the sky opened up and a bolt of lightning strikes from the sky, killing the nun.
A booming voice from the sky can be heard
"God damn it, I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dmnwo/a_priest_and_a_nun_decide_to_go_golfing/
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My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.
However, everyone told the snail there was no way someone as slow as him would ever race. But, he was determined! For months, he worked and worked on building the perfect vehicle. When he was done, he painted a big "S" on the side for his name, Sam.
The day of the race finally arrived, and Sam slowly pushed his vehicle up to the starting line with all the other forest critters. Everyone was laughing so hard at him, saying there was no way he could compete with the others. Determined, Sam got in his vehicle and waited for the start.
A bird flying overhead called out the countdown. "Three... Two... One! GO!"
POOF! In a cloud of smoke, Sam had burst ahead and was already yards in front of everyone else. All the other forest critters gaped in astonishment, until a hare who had lost a previous race to a turtle yelled out, "Wow! Look at that *S car go*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dmkaf/my_american_grandfathers_joke_which_i_just_shared/
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What do you call a healthy Hispanic man?

Manuel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dmfz1/what_do_you_call_a_healthy_hispanic_man/
%
Why are pool tables green?

You’d be green too if someone was poking your balls with a stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dmddc/why_are_pool_tables_green/
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There are 3 things that I love...

Shagging sheep and not using commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dmbr0/there_are_3_things_that_i_love/
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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money f rom you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dm9yj/one_day_a_florist_went_to_a_barber_for_a_haircut/
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When I was young I used to be into boobs...

...but now I'm a grown ass man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dm8z3/when_i_was_young_i_used_to_be_into_boobs/
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My neighbors listen to great music

Whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dm80z/my_neighbors_listen_to_great_music/
%
I have lost my wife. She went shopping and hasn’t returned!

Policeman: What is the ladies height sir?
Husband: Height? I’m not sure, I’ve never measured her.
Policeman: Is she a slim or a large lady sir?
Husband: She’s sort of average I’d say.
Policeman: Colour of her eyes?
Husband: Sort of bluey-green I suppose.
Policeman: What was she wearing sir?
Husband: Dunno weather it was a suit or a dress to be honest.
Policeman: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.
Policeman: What make & colour car was she driving sir?
Husband: 2001 Land Rover Defender TD5 in Lothian Blue. Mantec raised air intake, Frontrunner Roof Rack. Black chequerplate kit and matching rock & tree sliders. Black A-Bar with Light Force spot lights. Warn winch with polished fairlead and added recovery eyes. Silverline 17” Alloys fitted with BFG All-Terrain tyres and custom union-flag dust caps. Rear spare wheel carrier, dog & window guards. Exmoor Trim Premium seats – Sony hi-fi system.
At this point the husband burst into tears.
Policeman: Don’t worry sir, we’ll get your Landy back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dm6wb/i_have_lost_my_wife_she_went_shopping_and_hasnt/
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I have this weird obsession with old memes...

Bottom Text

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dm4cc/i_have_this_weird_obsession_with_old_memes/
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What do you call a cremated Burt Reynolds?

Burnt Reynolds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dlvxo/what_do_you_call_a_cremated_burt_reynolds/
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I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a sign that said "Drive like your children live here"

...so I turned off my headlights and pulled a stealthy u-turn right the hell out of there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dlun4/i_was_driving_through_a_neighborhood_and_saw_a/
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My author friend claims that he ‘accidentally’ glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dlt81/my_author_friend_claims_that_he_accidentally/
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First Date Her Dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: But you already own her home.
Her Dad, turning to daughter: If you don't bang him, I will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dlt3h/first_date_her_dad_i_want_her_home_before_midnight/
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Best way to learn about your problems is

Identify 1 mistake in your wife and ask her to correct it.
In response she will help you identify ALL of your problems, your parents problems, all of your relatives and your friends problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dllf3/best_way_to_learn_about_your_problems_is/
%
A dwarf was upset someone picked his pocket

He said, " How could someone stoop so low"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dljcs/a_dwarf_was_upset_someone_picked_his_pocket/
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I like my women like i like my jeans...

Skinny, tight, and ripped...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dlj45/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_jeans/
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I don’t like when people distinguish between “Jew” and “Hebrew”

I guess you could say I am anti-semantic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dlhix/i_dont_like_when_people_distinguish_between_jew/
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I got kicked out of my book club meeting because I tried to review Tommy Wiseau’s book adaptation of his movie despite never actually having read it.

I should have noticed how irritated the crowd was getting at my inaccurate speech, but I didn’t read The Room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dl7z3/i_got_kicked_out_of_my_book_club_meeting_because/
%
My new girlfriend just found out I suffer from premature ejaculation

She took it on the chin though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dl0wn/my_new_girlfriend_just_found_out_i_suffer_from/
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I broke one of my fingers at work today.

On the other hand, everything is OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dkxbu/i_broke_one_of_my_fingers_at_work_today/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman meet a Genie.

The Genie says,
"You may all slide once down this magic slide. Whatever you shout on the way down will be what you land in at the end."
The Englishman slides down and shouts
"Lagerrrrrrrrrrrr!"
The Scotsman slides down and shouts
"Whsikeyyyyyy!"
Finally, the Irishman slides down, and at the top of his lungs, he exclaims:
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dkvgn/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_meet_a/
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My friend decided to start an industry selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets have been going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dksz8/my_friend_decided_to_start_an_industry_selling/
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I started reading a horror story in Braille. I know something bad is about to happen.

I can just feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dksa1/i_started_reading_a_horror_story_in_braille_i/
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It's a shame The Beatles didn't make the submarine in that song green.

That would've been sublime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dkk3f/its_a_shame_the_beatles_didnt_make_the_submarine/
%
For my birthday, my mother gave me a vehicle

"Thanks for the car, Ma!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dke4i/for_my_birthday_my_mother_gave_me_a_vehicle/
%
I'm a germaphobe and my doctor said to face my fear

So I did it, I booked my flight to Germany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dkch2/im_a_germaphobe_and_my_doctor_said_to_face_my_fear/
%
Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle?

The polar bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dk7zx/whats_the_stupidest_animal_in_the_jungle/
%
Did you hear they banned round hay bales in Kentucky?

Cows couldn't get a square meal.
(h/t my grandma who tells this joke like it is her job)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dk7gp/did_you_hear_they_banned_round_hay_bales_in/
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Did you hear about the priest who spoke his good words to each of the African Kings/Rulers?

He blessed the reigns down in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dk5pg/did_you_hear_about_the_priest_who_spoke_his_good/
%
I need to have glasses to see my family

Specifically Two glasses of scotch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dk4ei/i_need_to_have_glasses_to_see_my_family/
%
Why did the tachyon cross the road?

Because it was on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dk3q1/why_did_the_tachyon_cross_the_road/
%
“Senior priest seen touching immature asshole by witnesses”

No, I said the headline should say Pope shook hands with Trump in front off the press!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dk2wm/senior_priest_seen_touching_immature_asshole_by/
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A woman is on her way to church

Wearing a tight leather skirt, she realizes she can’t reach her leg up to the first step of her church’s shuttle bus. Reaching behind her, she pulls the zipper down a little bit then tries again.
She attempts to take a step up, can’t reach, and reaches behind her again to pull down the zipper even more, still not able to reach the first step up onto the bus.
She attempts one last time to pull down the zipper even more, but still isn’t able to reach.
A Texan minister from behind her grabs her by the waist, easily lifting her up to the first step. She turns around and shouts
“How DARE you touch me without permission?!”
He replies, “Well ma’am, I had second thoughts at first, but thought it’d be alright after you pulling my zipper down 3 times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dk2dz/a_woman_is_on_her_way_to_church/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because I made too many Linkin Park references

But in the end it doesn’t even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9djzbt/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_made_too/
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Scientists have discovered a man in Japan who cannot cry.

They've labeled him "unbereavable".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9djy3g/scientists_have_discovered_a_man_in_japan_who/
%
Did you hear about the big coffee incident in Paris?

it's all over the French press

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9djxf9/did_you_hear_about_the_big_coffee_incident_in/
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I saw two men wearing matching clothes. So I asked them if they were gay...

I was promptly arrested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9djs8v/i_saw_two_men_wearing_matching_clothes_so_i_asked/
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What kind of food do you serve at a karma party?

Just desserts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9djpu6/what_kind_of_food_do_you_serve_at_a_karma_party/
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Lumberjack

A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The  very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe,  and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one  look at the little man and told him to scram.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack.
"Take your axe and go cut it down!"
The  skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back  knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the  little man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back...
"Oh sure, that's what they call it now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9djm2r/lumberjack/
%
A guy using Apple maps walks into a bar

...or maybe a hospital....or possibly a church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9djiki/a_guy_using_apple_maps_walks_into_a_bar/
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A priest and an atheist are walking down a road. The priest turns to the atheist and says...

You’re never going to believe this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9djhdg/a_priest_and_an_atheist_are_walking_down_a_road/
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What is the difference between beer and cider?

I never had to buy Plan B after cumming in beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dj7fr/what_is_the_difference_between_beer_and_cider/
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Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge...

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle)is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs  forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your asshole before prison...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dj4so/two_guys_were_picked_up_by_the_cops_for_smoking/
%
What is the Asian version of "good morning"?

"Rice and shine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dj4l3/what_is_the_asian_version_of_good_morning/
%
A man in a wheelchair stole my camo jacket.

He can hide but he can’t run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dj27q/a_man_in_a_wheelchair_stole_my_camo_jacket/
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What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common ?

Either way someone's going to lose a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9diyy0/what_do_a_tornado_and_a_redneck_divorce_have_in/
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a
woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dix26/a_woman_and_a_man_are_involved_in_a_car_accident/
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What weighs more, a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers, cause you have to carry around the weight of what you did to those poor birds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9diton/what_weighs_more_a_ton_of_gold_or_a_ton_of/
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Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"

Optimist:      "Of course they can!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9diqks/pessimist_things_just_cant_get_any_worse/
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Three cowboys

are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome  prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of  tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest  cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral  and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns,  with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's  nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot  rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed  that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison  down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dilcb/three_cowboys/
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New job

A young student looking for a job goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Very little."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$165,000".
The boss says "$165,000? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9digdu/new_job/
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British pilot shot down over Germany...

...unfortunately he was badly injured when he was captured. They had to amputate his left leg so he asked if the Luftwaffe would drop it over his base in England, they obliged. A week later his right leg was amputated and again it was dropped over his base. Soon after his arm had to be amputated and when he asked for that to be dropped over his base the Germans said “nein, zis ve cannot do anymore!
Why asked the pilot?
Because ve zink you’re trying to escape.
(Sorry about the German accent, best I could do)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9diczq/british_pilot_shot_down_over_germany/
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Family members anxiously await news outside of the ICU

Dr Schrodinger :" there's good news and there's bad news."
"What do you mean by that?" Asks the wife.
Dr Schrodinger *takes a look inside* : " I'm afraid your husband is dead."
wife *sobbing* : "But then what's the good news?"
Dr Schrodinger: "What good news?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9diayv/family_members_anxiously_await_news_outside_of/
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They say that New Delhi is the brownest city in the world...

...but I can think of one that’s Dhaka.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9di92k/they_say_that_new_delhi_is_the_brownest_city_in/
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My girflriend was telling me about this guy on Strange Addictions who drinks a gallon of brake fluid every day

I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9di7bf/my_girflriend_was_telling_me_about_this_guy_on/
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Peace Mr Gunther.

After a long, tough, life Mr Gunther, born on 21.06.1946 on a beautyfull suny day.
He finally found his peace,  he may rest now in peace.
The funeral of his wife will be held on Thursday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9di6qx/peace_mr_gunther/
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At the magic Ice cream parlor [nsfw]

This ice cream parlor was famous for creating the exact taste you asked for so a critic went to check it out.
First try, he asks for the taste of the first harvest of grapes of the season. The man behind the counter dissapears for a few minutes and comes back with a cone. And lo and behold, it is everything the critic expects.
"Amazing" says the critic, but let's step it up: can you create one that tastes of sunshine. The man dissapears again and comes back after fifteen minutes. The critic tasts and is blown away how the ice cream tastes like sunshine.
The critic is baffled but leans in closer on the counter and asks the magic icecream man for one last flavour. "Can you please create ice cream that tastes like my wifes pussy?". The ice cream man thinks and goes away for a full hour and hands the critic his ice cream.
The critic licks the ice cream and is devastated. "This tastes like shit!" He screams.
Says the ice cream man: "Turn the cone around please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9di52f/at_the_magic_ice_cream_parlor_nsfw/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his bum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9di4zs/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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Two Marines boarded a flight...

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said,
“I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said,
“That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9di0j0/two_marines_boarded_a_flight/
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Which word describes someone that refuses to believe that rivers can flow from south to north?

de-Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dht9o/which_word_describes_someone_that_refuses_to/
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That tingly little feeling that you get when you think you are in love...

That’s your common sense leaving your body!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dht4s/that_tingly_little_feeling_that_you_get_when_you/
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I finally fixed that noise in my car.

Just opened the door and pushed her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dhr9e/i_finally_fixed_that_noise_in_my_car/
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“A fool does last what a wise man does first.” -unknown

Looks like my chances of getting laid improve dramatically the older I get. Sweet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dho00/a_fool_does_last_what_a_wise_man_does_first/
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What is schrodinger’s wave?

a person may be simultaneously waving at you and waving at the person behind you. There is no way to know unless you turn behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dhl09/what_is_schrodingers_wave/
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A crab fisherman walks into a bar with a crab.

He sets the crab on the bar and it proceeds to walk perfectly straight ahead, instead of scuttling side to side like crabs usually do. The bartender, impressed, offers the fisherman $50 for the amazing crab and takes it home. The next day he takes the crab out of the cage, and it begins scuttling side to side. "WTF?" the bartender exclaims, "Why aren't you walking straight?" "Damn," the crab replies, "I can't get that drunk every day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dhjod/a_crab_fisherman_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_crab/
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What is a bad speller’s blood type?

Typo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dhhdv/what_is_a_bad_spellers_blood_type/
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BB hungry?

No. BB-8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dhfzf/bb_hungry/
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Why does Physics hate Biology?

Because they have no Chemistry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dhfsl/why_does_physics_hate_biology/
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did you know the toothbrush was invented in west virgina?

if it was invented anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dhemj/did_you_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in_west/
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My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dh9v9/my_girlfriend_told_me_shes_sick_of_me_pretending/
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German Coast Guard

An English ship was approaching the coast when suddenly they started taking on a lot of water. The captain decided to contact the coast guard for help.
**Captain**: Mayday Mayday, This is the English Pearl, we are sinking.
**German Coast Guard**: Sorry, may you please repeat?
**Captain**: This is the English Pearl and we are sinking.
After a few moments of silence...
**German Coast Guard**: What are you sinking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dh5et/german_coast_guard/
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Sunday morning sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dh34o/sunday_morning_sex/
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When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dh1yz/when_counting_down_i_cant_stand_negative_numbers/
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A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dgxkg/a_joke_my_4_year_old_came_up_with_today/
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A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dgti7/a_man_who_just_died_is_delivered_to_the_mortuary/
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The pessimist says “It can’t get any worse”. The optimist says

“Of course it can!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dgmjl/the_pessimist_says_it_cant_get_any_worse_the/
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There's a guy sneaking around in grocery stores in my town dropping chunks of dry ice in boxes of cereal.

We're being attacked by a cereal chiller!
: As told by my 5 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dgjk8/theres_a_guy_sneaking_around_in_grocery_stores_in/
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A newly wed couple are off on their honeymoon in Australia

They were out swimming in the sea when all of a sudden, a jelly fish stung the wife in the vagina. They quickly went to the hospital and the doctor said "it looks like you will be okay but due to the swelling you won't be able to have sex for at least a couple of weeks." The couple were so disappointed and when they go back to the hotel, the groom goes to the bar. The bartender there asks what he is doing on his own and the groom fills him in on the story "I just don't know what to do, I can't make love to my wife on our honeymoon". The bartender looks at him with concern and says "aaah bummer mate". The groom looks at him with delight "you're a genius thank you so much!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dgifi/a_newly_wed_couple_are_off_on_their_honeymoon_in/
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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dgffa/do_you_ever_wake_up_kiss_the_person_sleeping/
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Shapeshifting

INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength?
ME: Shapeshifting
INTERVIEWER: Is that so?
INTERVIEWER: Yes
INTERVIEWER: Holy shit..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dgeyk/shapeshifting/
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My uncle decided to get involved in a sport as his health was failing.

But he took up bobsleigh and went downhill rapidly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dg7mr/my_uncle_decided_to_get_involved_in_a_sport_as/
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" breast, 24" stomach, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, Everyone say, "Oh My God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dg56e/four_catholic_men_and_a_catholic_woman_were/
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Two guys are walking on the road

and on the way they saw a dog licking its own balls. The first one said: "I wish I can do that,"
His friend says: "Maybe you should try to pet it first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dg4w1/two_guys_are_walking_on_the_road/
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What Do They Tell Musicians About Crossing the Road?

C sharp or you'll B flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dfxko/what_do_they_tell_musicians_about_crossing_the/
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Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.

people start gathering around him, asking "what happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "idk, I just got here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dfvoj/chuck_norris_fell_down_from_a_10_story_building/
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A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

"You realize there is a steering wheel attached to your crotch right?"
The pirate says:
"ARRRRR, AND THEY DRIVIN ME NUTS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dfsgh/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_notices_a/
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What do you call a black guy on the moon

A well respected astronaut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dfs1z/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_on_the_moon/
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I found a street that was made of coloured pens.

I guess you could call it a yellow Bic road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dfrxz/i_found_a_street_that_was_made_of_coloured_pens/
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What is the difference between a corpse and a homeless person?

The corpse has a permanent place to stay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dfqtw/what_is_the_difference_between_a_corpse_and_a/
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If the green man lives in the green house, the yellow man lives in the yellow house, and the blue man lives in the blue house, who lives in the white house?

The orange man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dflgs/if_the_green_man_lives_in_the_green_house_the/
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I know a racist joke that reminds me of my ex-wife

It doesn't often go down well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dfgul/i_know_a_racist_joke_that_reminds_me_of_my_exwife/
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A group wearing tuxedos were sat down in a coffee shop, when a car suddenly smashed through the shop front.

Thankfully there were no casual teas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dfcxg/a_group_wearing_tuxedos_were_sat_down_in_a_coffee/
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My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9df8o4/my_wife_threatened_to_leave_me_because_i_wouldnt/
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how do you know if a blond has tried to commit suicide

There are bullet holes in the mirror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dezld/how_do_you_know_if_a_blond_has_tried_to_commit/
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Did you hear they’re making a Mr Men book about a woman that can’t have children?

It’s called Little Miss Carrie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9det1k/did_you_hear_theyre_making_a_mr_men_book_about_a/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9der4v/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9deqjg/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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What kind of car does one drive in the fall season?

An autumnobile. (I made this joke when I was a kid, but it’s OC, so...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9deodv/what_kind_of_car_does_one_drive_in_the_fall_season/
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An Australian and his two friends, kangaroo and wombat, were arguing who the best fighter were among them.

When suddenly a Crocodile appears in search of trouble. The friends thought this was their chance to prove their respective points.
The wombat was a master of Brazilian Jiu-jitsu and quickly took down the crocodile and have him tap out.
They let the latter rest and forced him to fight the kangaroo afterwards only to be smashed by the brutal expertise of the kangaroo's Muay-Thai.
They then turned to the man to try to finish the job.
He approached the crocodile and shook its hand - - the beast died shortly afterwards.
"Gee what happened, kangaroo?" said wombat.
Kangaroo replied "I don't know, he must be a master of hand to hand; wombat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dejdh/an_australian_and_his_two_friends_kangaroo_and/
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My friend suggested I grow my beard.

At first I wasn't sure if I liked it, but after a couple of weeks it started growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dehwj/my_friend_suggested_i_grow_my_beard/
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Why won't Congress ever impeach Trump?

Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9degmm/why_wont_congress_ever_impeach_trump/
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What's a mathematician do when he's constipated?

He just works it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9defl2/whats_a_mathematician_do_when_hes_constipated/
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What do you call a creature with 6 legs, 3 eyes, 2 noses and no ears?

Anything you want, it can't hear you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9de8tj/what_do_you_call_a_creature_with_6_legs_3_eyes_2/
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The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9de4vd/the_sword_swallower_went_to_a_sewing_store_to_buy/
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A man walks into a bar with a blue bird of happiness on one shoulder and a leprachaun on the other

He walks up to the bar, hands over a thousand dollars, orders three scotch and waters, buys drinks for the entire bar and tells the manager to keep the change. The man drinks his scotch and water, the blue bird drinks his but the leprachaun downs his drink in one gulp, throws the glass and smashes the mirror behind the bar.
The manager tells the man that it will cost $200 to replace the mirror, so the man gives him $1500, tells him to buy a new mirror, orders three more scotch and waters, buys drinks for the entire bar and tells the manager to keep the change. The man drinks his scotch and water, the blue bird drinks his but the leprachaun downs his drink in one gulp, throws the glass and smashes the stained glass feature window on the southern wall.
The manager tells the man that it will cost $1000 to replace the window, so the man gives him $3000, tells him to buy a new window, orders three more scotch and waters, buys drinks for the entire bar and tells the manager to keep the change. The manager tells him OK, but if there's any more trouble, they'll all be kicked out.
The man drinks his scotch and water, the blue bird drinks his but the leprachaun downs his drink in one gulp, throws the glass and hits the manager's wife as she's walking out from the back room, knocking her out senseless. The manager is furious, and orders them all to leave.
"Before you go," the manager says, "where did you get that leprachaun from?" The man replies that he found a magical genie, who granted him three wishes. He asked for all the money in the world, and his wallet keeps filling up with money. He asked for all the happiness in the world, and he got the blue bird of happiness. Finally, he asked for a twelve inch prick - and got the leprachaun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9de3pp/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_blue_bird_of/
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Damned lawyer

A lawyer parked at the side of the road, and opened the door of his BMW.  Suddenly, a speeding car appeared from nowhere, hitting the door and  ripping it off of his car. The lawyer was outraged.
When the police  arrived at the scene, the lawyer whined, "Officer, look what that person  did to my Beemer! You have to find him and arrest him!"
"You lawyers  are so materialistic, you make me sick," the officer snapped. "You're  so upset about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your  left arm was ripped off in the accident."
"Oh my God....", gasped the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody stump where his arm had been. "My Rolex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9de3ge/damned_lawyer/
%
Sword swallower found dead

The police suspect it's an inside job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9de1da/sword_swallower_found_dead/
%
Where does the general keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ddwiy/where_does_the_general_keep_his_armies/
%
Geez, somebody's found the password to my account.

,,Guess I'll have to rename my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ddtmq/geez_somebodys_found_the_password_to_my_account/
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What do you call a really fat Asian snack?

A four-chin cookie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ddr0s/what_do_you_call_a_really_fat_asian_snack/
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Check up at the doctors

A 70 year old woman went to the doctor for a check up.
The doctor told her she needed more activity & recommended sex three times a week.
She said to the doctor, "Please, tell to my husband".
The doctor goes out in the waiting room & tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.
The 70 year old husband replies, " Which days ?"
The doctor says, " How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday."
The husband says, " I can bring her Monday & Wednesday, but on Friday she'll have to take the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ddqyp/check_up_at_the_doctors/
%
I'm thinking about a sex change.

Maybe from "none" to "some"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ddj2e/im_thinking_about_a_sex_change/
%
Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ddil0/schrodinger_took_his_cat_to_the_vet/
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I like my women like I like my heirlooms

In the family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ddi1y/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_heirlooms/
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There’s an email going around offering processed pork, gelatine and salt in a can.

If you get this email, don’t open it. It’s spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ddg9l/theres_an_email_going_around_offering_processed/
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First day in prison

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come  close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't  fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great!" I thought. "First day in here and I'm already married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ddfm9/first_day_in_prison/
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I never use TurboTax to file my taxes.

I'm just not Intuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ddf8x/i_never_use_turbotax_to_file_my_taxes/
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Why was it awkward to talk to the mountaineer?

He liked to tell everyone when he was climb-axing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dd5zc/why_was_it_awkward_to_talk_to_the_mountaineer/
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A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Californian knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Californian joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dd28a/a_california_business_man_while_in_japan_for_some/
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What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop ?

Dr.Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dd1mi/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Stalin should’ve known communism was a bad thing

There were red flags everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dd197/stalin_shouldve_known_communism_was_a_bad_thing/
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A married couple go golfing every year for their anniversary.

During their 50th anniversary outing, the husband says, "Honey, I love you very much but I have to be honest with you. Early in our marriage I had an affair. It was strictly sexual, and it ended quickly."
His wife smiles and forgives him, but after a couple holes says, "Since we're confessing old transgressions, I should tell you that before we were married... I was a man."
The husband pauses, then becomes furious. He throws his hat to the ground, turns beat red and paces around.  Finally he says, "You mean to tell me I've let you tee off from the women's tee all these years for nothing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dczk6/a_married_couple_go_golfing_every_year_for_their/
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A guy walks into a bar holding an alligator. He gently rests it on the counter, and takes a seat.

“You can’t bring that in here!” the bartender exclaimed, motioning for the man to leave.
“Aw, he’s completely harmless, won’t hurt a fly I promise!” replied the owner of the alligator.
The bartender was not amused and again insisted that the man leave.
“Alright,” said the man standing up, “what if I prove it to you? If I can show you that it won’t hurt anyone, would you let us stay?”
The bartender finds this to be a reasonable proposition, and let’s the man continue.
The man takes the alligator and gently opens its mouth. Then reaches down, unzips his pants, whips out his pecker, and places it on the alligator’s tongue.
“Hand me a beer” the man said.
The bartender did. The man tipped it into the air, chugged the whole thing and used the empty glass bottle to whack the alligator across the scull several times.
Everyone in the bar gasped with wide eyes.
The alligator did nothing.
The man again hit the animal repeatedly over the head, and still nothing.
“See? I told you he wouldn’t hurt anyone! Does anyone else want to try?” The man asked looking down the bar towards the other patrons.
“I’ll try” said [your username here] “as long as you don’t hit me in the head with that bottle!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dcwxm/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_holding_an_alligator_he/
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There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come.

His name was Sir Render.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dcvry/there_once_was_a_famous_fighter_anointed_by_the/
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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for
another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dcpfi/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_beer/
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If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dcnu9/if_your_partner_is_overweight_get_them_to_walk_3/
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As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated kid.

But I’m thinking of taking a shot at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dclvy/as_a_doctor_i_never_make_jokes_about_an/
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Whenever I see signs on my local steets for "Slow Children at Play" I feel sad for them

It's one thing to be disabled during childhood when adults can take care of all their needs, but what will they do with themselves when they grow up?
Then I got on the highway and saw a sign for "Slow Men at Work".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dc7xv/whenever_i_see_signs_on_my_local_steets_for_slow/
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What do novice piano players have in common with embedded systems programmers?

They both write in C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dc7mm/what_do_novice_piano_players_have_in_common_with/
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I have been graphing my past relationships...

There's an Ex axis and a Why axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dbvli/i_have_been_graphing_my_past_relationships/
%
What's Chris Brown's favorite cereal?

Honey Smacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dbs41/whats_chris_browns_favorite_cereal/
%
I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.

I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to give anyone else a turn?"
He smirked and replied, "You're just jealous because I've won every time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dbqlw/i_wanted_to_buy_a_drink_from_a_vending_machine/
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Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?

Because Ken comes in other boxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dbg17/why_doesnt_barbie_get_pregnant/
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At the nudists beach

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dbf3v/at_the_nudists_beach/
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I went to the pet shop the other day.

“I'd like to buy a goldfish,” I said.
“Do you want an aquarium?” they asked.
I said, “I don't care what star sign he is.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dba4l/i_went_to_the_pet_shop_the_other_day/
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A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9db9xy/a_blonde_mom_is_cooking_dinner_when_her_blonde/
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I dated a waitress once. I tried putting everything into her...

But she only ever wanted the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9db8vj/i_dated_a_waitress_once_i_tried_putting/
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The police receive a noise complaint from a nearby tennis equipment factory

They were making a racket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9db2x9/the_police_receive_a_noise_complaint_from_a/
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My grandfather knew before the titanic sank that it was going to happen.

He kept yelling and telling peope over and over but no one listened. They then threw him out of the theater, he’s not allowed back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9db1dr/my_grandfather_knew_before_the_titanic_sank_that/
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What is the spirit animal of a dominatrix?

Pegasus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9day0g/what_is_the_spirit_animal_of_a_dominatrix/
%
What's the similarity between kids with cancer and cancer jokes?

They both never get old.
Is it too dark for this subreddit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9daxsx/whats_the_similarity_between_kids_with_cancer_and/
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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dawix/as_an_aussie_americans_are_always_asking_me_where/
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The Floppy Disk is like Jesus.

It died to become the Symbol of saving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9daoet/the_floppy_disk_is_like_jesus/
%
The three unwritten rules!

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9danmn/the_three_unwritten_rules/
%
I have the memory of a goldfish

And a Nobel prize for inventing the device that could extract it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9daluy/i_have_the_memory_of_a_goldfish/
%
What do you do when you see a spaceman?

Park in it man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dalmv/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_spaceman/
%
I just found out I am colour blind.

It really came out of the grey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dakbd/i_just_found_out_i_am_colour_blind/
%
A polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license..

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dajcq/a_polish_immigrant_went_to_the_dmv_to_apply_for_a/
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There is now a French version of /r/jokes

It is called Deja vu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dahv5/there_is_now_a_french_version_of_rjokes/
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I read a sign today that said Watch for Children

I thought it was a pretty fair trade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9daht5/i_read_a_sign_today_that_said_watch_for_children/
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Ben has one dog. Jake has two fish. How many fish are there?

Three. Ben’s dog was just a red herring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9dah54/ben_has_one_dog_jake_has_two_fish_how_many_fish/
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An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "you will be in charge of building and maintaining a fire", the Canadian nods. Then he points to the Japanese and says: "you will be in charge of supplies.", the Japanese nods. "And I will be in charge of building shelters, we will meet back here by sunset". They agreed and went off their own ways. By sunset, the American has built this beautiful sturdy shelter, enough for 3 plus more. The Canadian created a big steady camp fire all ready to cook whatever they got. But the Japanese is no where to be found. After a few more hours, night falls and there were still no signs of the Japanese. They got worried and decided to go into the forest to look for him. They inch slowly towards the forest with cautions because they don't know what wild beasts roam at night. As soon as they stepped into the forest, a bush rustles, and out jumped the Japanese man screaming "SURPRISE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9da8rz/an_american_a_canadian_and_a_japanese_were/
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I went to a club the other night where all the men were dressed as women.

What a drag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9da6eq/i_went_to_a_club_the_other_night_where_all_the/
%
My gf got an abortion today

And you know what? Being a dad is dead easy right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9da4f1/my_gf_got_an_abortion_today/
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What national policy can keep your pants up?

A waste ban

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9da3uj/what_national_policy_can_keep_your_pants_up/
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The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened one night.
One morning, Old Man Richards woke to find half his cows slaughtered and eaten. Amid the corpses and bones were large, monstrous foot prints leading from Old Man Richards cows and into the forest. Word quickly spread of the butchering as Old Man Richards lived in the middle of the village and everyone who went about to trade that day had to pass by.
That night, a horrible sound came from the chicken coups on Farmer Hopkins land. The same large foot prints from the previous night could be seen coming from the forest, passed Old Man Richards cows and into Farmer Hopkins coups. The village could not deny that something was terrorizing them and by mid day, every man woman and child had gathered in the center of the village near where the cows and chickens had been taken.
The villagers came to call the creature the "Midicrin" after it's propensity to strike lands in the middle of the village. They deduced that the Midicrin would strike one of three places next, Miss Angie's prize loons, for which the village had become renowned for during the few times it traded with other townships, a blackberry patch owned by Ernest Eford who was somehow older than Old Man Richards, or Jack's sugar cane farm.
Jack sat awake all night keeping an eye on the distant forest tree line and his sugar cane fields. After what seemed like an entire day's worth of time, a strange soft pounding sound startled Jack. A terrible creature as tall as the tallest building in the village with legs as long as Jack's entire body came lumbering toward him. Paralyzed with fear, Jack watched as the Midicrin stalked forward with a ghostly silence and grabbed a mouthful of sugar cane. As the beast continued his eating, Jack watched the monster suddenly lurch and hurl up his nightly meal. The beast fell for a moment before slowly getting back up and stalking back toward the forest.
Jack called the meeting later that day to tell of his encounter that night. Everyone became loud with cheers when Jack told of how the beast fell ill after consuming the cane. Then, Jack told the town of his idea. Surly after not eating it's usual meal the previous night, the Midicrin would be hungrier than usual. Jack postured that if they fed Miss Angie's loons with the sugar cane, the beast would inadvertently fall sick again and the entire village, hidden in waiting, could come out at once and strike the beast.
Jack gathered as much sugar cane as he could afford to lose and brought them next door to Miss Angie's birds. After setting the trap, the village waited for night to fall and the creature to return. Sure enough, the Midicrin came back, past Old Man Richards' cows, past Farmer Hopkin's chickens, and of course past Jack's poisonous sugar cane. The Midcrin came to Miss Angies birds and began to feed ravenously. It was only after a short time that it stopped, hurled out what it had eaten, and fell backward. The entire village, charging with pitchforks and lit torched, began to berate the Midicrin until it had spilled enough blood to surely be dead.
The moral of the story, as Jack explained, was that a loon full of sugar helps the Midicrin go down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9da3b3/the_story_of_jack_the_sugar_cane_farmer/
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Spiders in a nutshell

Scientist 1: This spider has long legs, so let’s call it long legs
Scientist 2: Not kinky enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9da365/spiders_in_a_nutshell/
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A British man takes a sip of his coffee.

And says, “This not my cup of tea.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d9wh1/a_british_man_takes_a_sip_of_his_coffee/
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What's the difference between love, lust, and showing off?

Swallowing, spitting, and gargling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d9w4y/whats_the_difference_between_love_lust_and/
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There once was a woman who had 100 children.

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother, afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions, they named the dog "This," so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d9ttl/there_once_was_a_woman_who_had_100_children/
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Everyone thinks being rebellious is cool

But I don’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d9r38/everyone_thinks_being_rebellious_is_cool/
%
There are two important rules in business.

Number 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d9pue/there_are_two_important_rules_in_business/
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Blonde patient went to the doctor

Patient. Everywhere I touch it hurts.
Doctor. You have a broken finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d9ph2/blonde_patient_went_to_the_doctor/
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Don't you love it when you curl out a massive shit and it touches the water before it breaks off?

Well I had one of those this morning.
And now I'm banned from the diving boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d9og9/dont_you_love_it_when_you_curl_out_a_massive_shit/
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Why couldn’t the 3 speed mixer get insurance?

He was high whisk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d9ngw/why_couldnt_the_3_speed_mixer_get_insurance/
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Did you hear the joke about the ghost?

It was a piece of sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d9kjc/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_ghost/
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What do you call when a black man gets hit by a bus?

The Ambulance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d9jac/what_do_you_call_when_a_black_man_gets_hit_by_a/
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Two engineers are handling a prototype for a new cell phone that they worked on

First engineer: "There's no bezel and it's all made of glass, this thing is going to break so easily!"
Second engineer: "Are you saying that we should redesign this from scratch?!"
First engineer: "Well I think a good case could be made.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d9i8w/two_engineers_are_handling_a_prototype_for_a_new/
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That’s a lot of zeros

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:
"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."
Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying “oh my god” over and over.
Then he composes himself and says:
“Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d9d6s/thats_a_lot_of_zeros/
%
There are 10 types of people in the world...

Those who understand binary and those who don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d9d35/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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Many people who appear "cool" actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy.

Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d9bko/many_people_who_appear_cool_actually_struggle/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d93dy/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
A Canadian man, a Japanese man, and an American man are in a plane.

They’re on a hijacked plane and the terrorist demands that they each drop something out of the plane capable of killing someone.
The Canadian drops a bag of coins, hoping that someone can use those coins for good use.
The Japanese drops a katana, to honorably and quickly kill whoever was unlucky enough.
The American drops a bomb, and couldn’t care less.
When they landed, they found a little girl, crying. The Canadian asks why she was crying, and she replies “A bag of coins fell on my daddy’s head and he died.”
They also found a little boy crying, and the Japanese asks why. “My dad was killed by a sword that fell out of the sky.”
They found a third  child, but this one laughing his ass off. “My dad farted and the house behind him blew up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d92zh/a_canadian_man_a_japanese_man_and_an_american_man/
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Mob bosses who date both men and women are tollerated in the Mafia...

... they let bi-Dons be bi-Dons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d919y/mob_bosses_who_date_both_men_and_women_are/
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Why wasn’t the teddy bear hungry?

He was already stuffed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d8yu3/why_wasnt_the_teddy_bear_hungry/
%
Every yo mamma has been done thousands of time by thousands of people.

Kinda like yo mamma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d8r0m/every_yo_mamma_has_been_done_thousands_of_time_by/
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My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that I had a name for my penis

I guess I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d8gkc/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_she_didnt_like_that/
%
Incest!

It’s fun for the whole family!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d8cfa/incest/
%
Young man goes to the barber

Barber: what's it gonna be
Young man: I'll have the bottom bit completely shaved. Then above it a few little circles. Above that a want a spiky bit. Next to that I want it number 2 on the right side and number 3.5 on the left side. The top I want it a bit messy, with some bits longer that others.
Barber: ... I can't do that ...
Young man: You'd think motherf*ucker but that's what you did to me last time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d8a9a/young_man_goes_to_the_barber/
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Why can you always depend on Anti-Gravity?

Because it will never let you down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d85rg/why_can_you_always_depend_on_antigravity/
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Why didn’t the fisherman care about his wireless internet connection?

Because either-net works when he’s catfishing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d80mx/why_didnt_the_fisherman_care_about_his_wireless/
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When people around me complain about my flatulence I explain to them that it puts me on the same level as the great Pharaohs of old....

Because we have a Tutanhkhamun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d7zi3/when_people_around_me_complain_about_my/
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Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.
He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.
Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeeper if they can sell him XL shirts. That question made the shopkeeper curious, thus he asked the designer:
\-Do you really want to purchase that many shirts?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d7xvw/fat_fashion_designer_has_found_a_time_machine_oc/
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A drug addict, an alcoholic and a cronic smoker die in a car crash

Three of them face the ultimate judgement. They'd have been sent to hell but turns out they did their share of good in their lives. So they face the last test. The alcoholic is given a bottle of Brandy, the drug addict given the stuff he digs and the smoker given a pack of cigarettes. Each of them are to fight the temptation for 3 days. The addict ends up taking the drug in the first day itself, the alcoholic takes the drink on the second day, both of them are immediately sent to hell. The third day goes by, the pack of cigarettes is still untouched. An angel comes down on the third day and goes " I see you've passed the test"
The smoker goes, " well I can't chew the cigarettes, you forgot to give me a fucking lighter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d7t4j/a_drug_addict_an_alcoholic_and_a_cronic_smoker/
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A son and dad are driving

"Daddy what's an alcoholic?"
Dad: "You see those 4 cars? an alcoholic would see 8."
"But daddy there's only 2"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d7ssq/a_son_and_dad_are_driving/
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My mom told me that I objectify women.

When she asked me why I broke up with my last girlfriend, I said "it didn't
work out."
She said "be more specific."
I said "I just told you she didn't exercise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d7r70/my_mom_told_me_that_i_objectify_women/
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A mother and baby camel are talking one day when ....

...the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"Okay," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert," "Thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?"
"What good does all that do us here in the San Diego Zoo?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d7k5f/a_mother_and_baby_camel_are_talking_one_day_when/
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What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin, get in the batmobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d7emb/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
%
Lee, the man I grew up thinking was my father, recently told me he doesn't have any kids...

...I could've sworn he was my real dad, but a parent Lee not!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d7eeq/lee_the_man_i_grew_up_thinking_was_my_father/
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I saw that pastor from Aretha Franklin's funeral at Starbucks again

He was just grabbing a Grande.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d7bys/i_saw_that_pastor_from_aretha_franklins_funeral/
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Jack wants to take Emily to the prom,

And he creates a list of things he needs to do before the big night.
1. Hire a Limo
2. Hire a Kilt
3. Buy Emily some flowers
So Jack heads to the limo shop and spends a while looking through the different models available. But the line at he limo shop was really long. He e actually got through it and got the hire sorted
Jack next went to the kilt shop, and after a while looking at the different tartans, found one he liked and went to get into the line, only to realise that the line at the kilt shop was really long as well. But he gets through it and sorts out the hire.
Finally, he goes to buy a bunch of roses, but again, the line at the flower shop was massive. But again, he gets through it and buys the bunch of flowers.
The night starts off well, Jack looks handsome in his kilt, and she looks beautiful in her dress with the flowers. The limo arrived on time, and it was a great night. But as the night draws to a close Emily says to Jack that she is really thirsty and could do with a glass of punch from the drinks table. So Jack goes over to the punch table, and you know what? There was no punch line. ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d7bqf/jack_wants_to_take_emily_to_the_prom/
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A guy is sorting shelves at a grocery store when

a new old.lady approaches him and asks, "where's the broccoli?"
He says, "sorry we're out of broccoli"
She walks away and comes back ten minutes later and asks them same thing to the same guy.
He's a little confused but remains polite, "sorry miss we're out of broccoli."
Ten minutes go by and the same old bitch comes back to the guy.
"Sir do you have any broccoli?"
Bewildered and annoyed the guy says, "ma'am, how do you spell cat? Just humor me. How do you spell cat as in catastrophe?"
"C A T"
"Good. Now spell dog as is dogmatic"
"D O G"
"Good now spell fuck as in broccoli."
"But there is no fuck in broccoli!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d7be2/a_guy_is_sorting_shelves_at_a_grocery_store_when/
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Horrible mixup

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autospell ! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . . ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d76ly/horrible_mixup/
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A man goes to confession

A man walks into a church and goes to the priest to begin confession.
Man: father I have sinned and I would like to confess.
Priest : go ahead my son
Man: last night I went to my girlfriends sisters house and it ended up raining heavily. I ended up sleeping with her and stayed the night.
Priest: pray to god and ask for forgiveness and he shall help.
Man: that’s not all. Last week i was at my old teachers house when it ended up raining heavily. I ended up sleeping with her and stayed the night.
Priest: okay... pray to god and ask for forgiveness and he shall help.
Man: wait there’s more. 18 days ago I went to my ex-girlfriends house and it ended up raining heavily. I ended up sleeping with her and stayed the night.
The priest gets out of the booth and opens the front church doors. He looks to his left and to his right and says “get the fuck out of here before it starts raining”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d74yr/a_man_goes_to_confession/
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Why was Sir Edmund Halley the funniest astronomer in history?

Because the joke is always in the comets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d70ky/why_was_sir_edmund_halley_the_funniest_astronomer/
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Stereotyping

John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d6z7z/stereotyping/
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Knock Knock

Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.
I'll Show myshelf out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d6w60/knock_knock/
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How do Egyptians get to work?

They use a new bus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d6ue1/how_do_egyptians_get_to_work/
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Who ever invented the knock knock joke...

Should get a no bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d6uc5/who_ever_invented_the_knock_knock_joke/
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What’s the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d6q26/whats_the_leading_cause_of_dry_skin/
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How Long is a Chinese name

And he’s a good friend of mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d6pfa/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
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Roses are red, I've got a bad cough

Settings -> Notifications -> Trending -> **OFF**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d6ehp/roses_are_red_ive_got_a_bad_cough/
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Two farmers meet at their fence line.

They start arguing about who is the better farmer as they compare crops. They wave down a passerby and ask, "sir, who do you think is a better farmer?" They looks at them and says, "It's hard to say, you're both outstanding in your fields."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d6d8r/two_farmers_meet_at_their_fence_line/
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3 men

die and go to heaven.
But heaven is getting full these days and only one of them will be allowed in. It is decided the man with the most unjust death will be allowed into heaven.
So the first man tells his story.
"I thought my wife was having an affair. So I left work early to catch her at it. When I got back to our apartment I crept in but my wife was in the shower alone. I felt bad for thinking she was having an affair and went onto our balcony for some quiet reflection.
When I got there, I could see some fingers holding onto the edge of the building. The man having an affair with my wife was hiding. So i stamped on his hands to make him fall. He fell but landed in a bush. I wanted to kill him so i pushed our fridge over the edge to crush him. As i pushed it off, I slipped and fell to my death."
The 2nd man tells of his death.
"I was watering my plants on the balcony of my apartment. I slipped and fell over the edge but luckily managed to cling onto the balcony below. I had just began to pull myself up when someone stamped on my hands and I fell. Luckily I fell into a bush. I thought I was safe but as I opened my eyes the last thing I saw was a fridge hurtling towards me."
The 3rd man tells of his death.
"Picture this.... I'm hiding in a fridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d6byv/3_men/
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I saw Chuck Norris today,

He’s alive and he’s still kicking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d6bu0/i_saw_chuck_norris_today/
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Last week a young boy saved a priests life in the United States...

... he discovered the priest had early stage testicular cancer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d5yp7/last_week_a_young_boy_saved_a_priests_life_in_the/
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I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d5xjo/i_have_the_memory_of_an_elephant/
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What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke?

Yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d5wwe/what_kind_of_cigarettes_do_hippies_smoke/
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Where do facts come from?

The factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d5whl/where_do_facts_come_from/
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A mime was arrested after getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.

He still has the right to remain silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d5wf4/a_mime_was_arrested_after_getting_into_a_bar/
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My monocle joke :)

A monocle walks into a bar.  After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d5v7w/my_monocle_joke/
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60,000 blondes meet in a centre for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

##
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 60,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 60,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 60,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 60,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d5rdq/60000_blondes_meet_in_a_centre_for_a_blondes_are/
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Currency trading

I used to trade currency. this asian guy came in and wanted to exchange 10,000yen - I gave him $120.
a week later he came in with another 10,000yen - I gave him $105.
a week after that he came in with another 10,000yen - I gave him $135.
the guy said to me in an annoyed voice " why one week $120, then $105, then $135! - why the difference?!!?"
I says to him "fluctuations"
He responds "fluck you white people"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d5oom/currency_trading/
%
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?"
Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"
The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d5ivk/after_an_amazing_69_with_his_girlfriend_kevin/
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A man staying at a hotel calls the reception desk...

"Hello!?" He yells "My wife and I are having a huge fight right now and she's threatening to jump out of the window!!"
"I'm sorry sir." She replies "That seems like a personal problem. Maybe I could call the police?"
"NO!" He shouts back angrily, "The goddamned lock on our window is stuck or something!! That's your maintenance guy's problem!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d5fkd/a_man_staying_at_a_hotel_calls_the_reception_desk/
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My wife and I decided to not have children.

The kids are pretty upset.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d5dr2/my_wife_and_i_decided_to_not_have_children/
%
Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d5ash/two_high_school_graduates_are_discussing_their/
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A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d5990/a_man_sees_a_sign_outside_a_house_talking_dog_for/
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What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d58vy/what_do_you_call_a_soldier_who_survived_mustard/
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A woman asked the grocer if he had any cucumbers.

He said, “Yep, they’re 79 cents each or two for a dollar.”  She said, “Okay, give me two, I’ll eat one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d57cc/a_woman_asked_the_grocer_if_he_had_any_cucumbers/
%
What happened to the wooden car with wooden seats, wooden wheels, and wooden engine?

It wooden go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d56yr/what_happened_to_the_wooden_car_with_wooden_seats/
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What do you call a hairy gay guy with manic depression?

A bipolar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d4z5i/what_do_you_call_a_hairy_gay_guy_with_manic/
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I can count how many times I've been in Chernobyl with one hand

16

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d4yv8/i_can_count_how_many_times_ive_been_in_chernobyl/
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A woman and her husband are eating at a Chinese restaurant.

The woman loves how artistic the Chinese language looks written, so she takes home a menu and chooses her favorite symbols and knits a sweater with said symbols on the front.
A few months later her and her husband are invited to his company's party. She decides this is the perfect time to wear her sweater.
The night is going well and everyone is having fun. Her husband introduces her to a new colleague of his, Mr. Lee, and Mr. Lee happens to be Chinese.
Mr. Lee comments on her sweater saying he could tell it took a long time and was very intricate. This made the woman super happy and thanked him.
Mr. Lee then asked where she got the symbols from, and when she told him he let out a pained chuckle. He then asked her if she wanted to know what her sweater said. She had guessed some kind of food, but was always curious, so she said yes.
"Cheap but Good."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d4vi3/a_woman_and_her_husband_are_eating_at_a_chinese/
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What do you call when two people roll marihuana together?

A joint effort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d4qwe/what_do_you_call_when_two_people_roll_marihuana/
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To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d4n94/to_the_woman_who_keeps_pounding_on_my_door_at/
%
My wife is upset because I had “I Love You” tattoo’d on my penis

Apparently it’s typical of me, always trying to put words in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d4evi/my_wife_is_upset_because_i_had_i_love_you_tattood/
%
I have two boys, 5 and 6.

We're no good at naming things in our house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d459e/i_have_two_boys_5_and_6/
%
Two windmills are on a date and one asks the other, "So what kind of music do you like?"

The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d3wux/two_windmills_are_on_a_date_and_one_asks_the/
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I don't care what any of you say..

My Alzheimer's lets me enjoy this site every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d3odt/i_dont_care_what_any_of_you_say/
%
What do Chinese restaurants do when their lights are too bright?

Dim sum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d3mwl/what_do_chinese_restaurants_do_when_their_lights/
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Three redditors walk into a bar.....

The first one hits his head, the second one hits his head. The third stops, points at the second and screams "Re-post!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d3jvg/three_redditors_walk_into_a_bar/
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I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d3i1e/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/
%
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d3hz4/a_woman_in_her_forties_went_to_a_plastic_surgeon/
%
In the hospital

After the accident I called my wife from the hospital.
Wife: "Hello?"
Me: "Honey, I was in an accident. I’m in insensitive care."
Wife: "Don’t you mean intensive care?"
Just then the nurse walked into my room. “What are you complaining about now, ya crybaby bitch?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d31pq/in_the_hospital/
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The creator of Mad Libs died this week

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d2vi6/the_creator_of_mad_libs_died_this_week/
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The Name is Turner Brown

A small guy goes into an elevator,  and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.” The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, “What’s wrong with you?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big dude looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn around’.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d2u5l/the_name_is_turner_brown/
%
Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and a Tom Hanks are on a plane

Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and Tom Hanks are on a plane when the cockpit is struck and the plane starts to go down.
As they search for parachutes they discover they are one short.
Before anyone can say anything Trump grabs a pack and jumps, giving everyone the finger.
The Pope says "madam, you have 6 children at home, take a pack and go", and she went.
He turns to Tom Hanks, "you bring joy and laughter in a good way to people, go and continue", and he went, crying.
Lastly he turns to Lebron and says, "so many young impressionable minds look up to you, take a pack and go, the Lord will guide me.
Lebron smiles and says "fuckin idiot trump grabbed my gym bag, lets go".
And the Pope replied, "Ive always liked your version best King James."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d2se9/trump_lebron_james_the_pope_a_mother_of_6_and_a/
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My dad had the ultimate dad joke...

When we were little, he'd tell us how we had to remember to take our wallets out of our jeans when we put in the washing machine.
Because that's laundering money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d2s6d/my_dad_had_the_ultimate_dad_joke/
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My sister was in a terrible car accident and had to have her left arm and leg amputated

she’s alright now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d2rr5/my_sister_was_in_a_terrible_car_accident_and_had/
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...Then Juliet looked down from her balcony and said,

"Its over Romeo,
I have the high ground"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d2qd7/then_juliet_looked_down_from_her_balcony_and_said/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d2p6y/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
My grandpa left to pick up his prescription across town.

About 10 minutes later I saw a wrong way driver on the news. I got worried since my grandpa had to take that route to get to the pharmacy and called quickly to warn him.
Me: "Grandpa be careful on I-94 there's a man driving in the wrong direction."
Grandpa: "It's not just one! There are hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d2lcw/my_grandpa_left_to_pick_up_his_prescription/
%
My girl friend just turned vegan.

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d2dld/my_girl_friend_just_turned_vegan/
%
If my grandmother knew how much we paid for her funeral...

She would roll over in her ditch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d2dk5/if_my_grandmother_knew_how_much_we_paid_for_her/
%
What did one snowman say to the other?

"It smells like carrots"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d25kc/what_did_one_snowman_say_to_the_other/
%
The other day I went for a jog in the park and began my routine of running laps around the pond.

On my first lap I noticed a girl in a wheelchair crying. I approached her and asked why she was crying. She told me "I'm crying because I've never been hugged!" Feeling sympathetic, I hugged her and she said "Thank you! I feel so much better!" as her tears subsided.
I continued jogging and as I looped back to where I had seen the girl in the wheelchair before I noticed she was crying again. I asked her "Why are you crying now?" to which she replied "I'm crying because I've never been kissed!" Feeling sympathetic, I kissed her and she said "Thank you! I feel so much better!" as her tears subsided.
I continued jogging and as I looped back to where I had seen the girl in the wheelchair before I noticed she was crying again. I asked her "Why are you crying now?" to which she responded "I'm crying because I've never been fucked!" Feeling admittedly less sympathetic I picked her up and threw her in the pond and said "Well you're fucked now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d25ef/the_other_day_i_went_for_a_jog_in_the_park_and/
%
Today at work I shot some people and after I cut their heads off accidentally

Wasn’t my best photo shoot / edit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d23b8/today_at_work_i_shot_some_people_and_after_i_cut/
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Walking home drunk

The man was in no shape  to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was  walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you  doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d21de/walking_home_drunk/
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Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d1yps/why_cant_you_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
Last night, I had the worst nightmare ever

It wasn't even remotely terrifying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d1tmr/last_night_i_had_the_worst_nightmare_ever/
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A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde

The police officer asks the blonde, "Can I see you license and registration, please?". The blonde then asked, "What is that?", the police officer says, "That thing with your face on it", the blonde then pulls a mirror out of her purse, and hands it to the police officer. The police officer then says, "Oh, my bad, if I knew you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d1qsz/a_blonde_police_officer_pulls_over_a_blonde/
%
Recently bought my friend a stuffed elephant for her bedroom.

When I bought it for her, she was super happy and said thanks.
I said, “don’t mention it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d1qpi/recently_bought_my_friend_a_stuffed_elephant_for/
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How can you spot a blind man in a nude beach?

“It’s not hard”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d1qej/how_can_you_spot_a_blind_man_in_a_nude_beach/
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Old man goes back to college

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".
A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He  said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and  the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.
The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it."
The old man said, "And the same old story..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d1p8v/old_man_goes_back_to_college/
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So I go to the doctor and the nurse says “Sir, can you masturbate in the cup?”

I replied “Well I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d1opu/so_i_go_to_the_doctor_and_the_nurse_says_sir_can/
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A hillbilly girl tells her guy “How about we try reverse cowgirl tonight?”

He replies “Hey! You never turn your back on family.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d1nak/a_hillbilly_girl_tells_her_guy_how_about_we_try/
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I like my women how I like my golf scores...

In their mid-70s with a slight handicap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d1n3e/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_golf_scores/
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Why did the chicken hang himself?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d1khv/why_did_the_chicken_hang_himself/
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Dry Cleaners

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners
The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d1jmq/dry_cleaners/
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The 25-Inch Dick

Once, there was a man who had a 25 inch dick which was obviously very troublesome for him, he consulted doctors and tried home remedies but had no effect. His mother, who was very religious told him to meet a saint. Reluctantly, he agreed. This was a special saint, who lived in the deep woods of India. It would take the man almost 2 months to reach him. He set out on his journey, after a lot of travelling, he finally reached the place. The saint lived in a cave and never went out of the woods. The man reached the cave, and the saint was meditating there. The man approached him, the saint opened his eyes and asked, "Tell me child, have you come here to seek my help?" The man replied with a yes. the saint offered him some tea, and the man agreed. It was the best tea he had ever had, it was obvious by his expression too, the saint said that he used fresh tea leaves and natural sugar to make it. After they were done, the saint asked the man about his problems, and he replied with, "My dick is unnaturally big, almost 25 inches and it gives a lot of problems, I've tried everything doctors recommended, but had no results. Please help me!" The saint said, "It'll take you 3 days of travel from here, where you'll find a pond that glows in bright golden colours, there you'll find a talking frog, just tell her that you want to marry her. When you so she will reply with a No, and when she does, your dick will come down by 5 inches." The man wasn't ready to believe it, but he thought of giving it a shot because he had come too far. The saint gave him a map to reach the place, and some tea leaves as a gift. When he reached the pond, he did really find a talking frog. She said, "What do you want?" the man replied with, "Will you marry me?" and he got denied, and magically, his dick shrunk. He asked her again and got denied. 15 Inches still felt big, so he asked her again, "will you marry me?" The frog got angry and replied, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO! NO! NO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d1fhx/the_25inch_dick/
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What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasaaabeee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d1dsv/what_did_the_sushi_say_to_the_bee/
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Once, a blonde visits a bar......

.........she orders a drink and waits, she spots two guys betting with dice. She goes there to check it out. They were simply calling out a number and rolling a dice, if it landed on the said number, they won. She was interested, and asked if she could get a try at it. Both men agreed. The blonde bet 100$, the men, thinking about their ego, dropped 500$ each. The blonde called out five, rolled the dice, and quickly unzipped her hoodie and zipped it back up, which was the only thing she had on. She suddenly shouted, "I Won!" Took the dice, tossed it to one of the men, took the money and went to get her drink. The first dude asked, "Did you see the number on the dice?" The other replied, " I thought you were looking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d1a16/once_a_blonde_visits_a_bar/
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What is the difference between the Titanic and my penis?

Lots of women went down on the Titanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d195r/what_is_the_difference_between_the_titanic_and_my/
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A marriage is a lot like an execution.

A whole lot of fuss for something that just takes a second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d18mw/a_marriage_is_a_lot_like_an_execution/
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a man was in his car when he spotted a prostitute, he asked her the cost of a handjob, she replied, "10$, wanna get one?"

He said, "Nah, I just wanted to know how much I save if I do it myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d17bs/a_man_was_in_his_car_when_he_spotted_a_prostitute/
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A Physicist and an Engineer take turns shooting at a deer.

An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each takes a turn to try and bag it.
The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.
The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineer's pad and a book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he's ready, he takes aim, and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.
The statistician leaps in the air shouting, "We got it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0xcs/a_physicist_and_an_engineer_take_turns_shooting/
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A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees.  He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.
"Do you know what I do for a living?"
She nods.  "You're a fisherman, right?"
"Well, kind of.  See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as many as possible, we've streamlined the process and now everyone involved is heavily specialized.  There are people who spend their whole day throwing lines out.  They just move from line to line, throwing it out and moving on.  Then there are other people who keep their eyes on a bunch of lines, and when a fish tugs on one, they run over and jerk the line to hook the fish. All day, just hooking fish after fish.  Then they move on, and someone else comes up and reels the fish in.  Then someone else collects the fish, and someone else carries them to the warehouse to be gutted.  Etc, etc, etc."
"That seems like it would be tedious.  How do you decide which job you want?  Do you just end up doing whatever you started with until you quit?"
"Well, no.  Everyone starts by hooking the fish.  Not many people really like that job, so everyone has to start there.  After you've been at it for a while, if a position opens up somewhere else, you can spend a few days trying out casting or reeling.  The jobs that pay the best, the ones that everybody wants, are baiting and gutting the fish.  Gutting isn't pleasant, but the pay is good and you can work indoors."
She thinks about that for a minute, then nods.  "Okay, so what do you do?"
"Me?  I'm a baiter.  Have been for years!"  Uncle Tim is clearly proud of himself.  "Not only that, but I'm at the top of the game.  See how there are people fishing all up and down here?  Well, what you probably don't realize is that you have to earn your position.  Newbies and people who aren't good at their job start out here on the street.  If you're good enough, though, you can earn a spot working on the pier, where they get twice as many fish.  And if you're a master of your specialty, you can get a place out there at the very end.  That's where they catch the most and the best fish, and that's where I work!"
The girl doesn't find this very interesting, but she goes out with her uncle and watches and helps for a few hours at the end of the pier.  She hates it.  The bate is disgusting, the hooks keep on pricking her.  It's miserable.  About halfway through the day, though a spot opens up out on the street, and she jumps at the chance to get away from her Uncle's prized job.
That night, at dinner, her mother asks, "So, how was your day with your uncle?  Where did you go?  What did you learn?"
She thinks for a minute before replying:  "We went to the shore today, and I learned one thing for certain.  I'd rather be a lowly street hooker than spend the rest of my life as a master baiter like Uncle Tim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0v7r/a_woman_contacts_her_brotherinlaw_last_minute_to/
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What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way of getting down a hill?

Walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0unk/whats_harry_potters_favorite_way_of_getting_down/
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My mom once told me "the world doesn't revolve around you"

So I told her "I guess I'm not your Sun"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0ugv/my_mom_once_told_me_the_world_doesnt_revolve/
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My mother decided to tell me that before me she had an abortion...

That fucking lucky bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0t8a/my_mother_decided_to_tell_me_that_before_me_she/
%
My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.

She can’t seem to let it go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0swb/my_wife_is_still_mad_at_me_because_i_accidentally/
%
2 women on an airplane

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman.
The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?"
The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0pr8/2_women_on_an_airplane/
%
Singapore: *looking northward, tips fedora*

"M'laysia"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0o1c/singapore_looking_northward_tips_fedora/
%
Was playing around on this computer, and it was making the most beautiful sound ever...

Must of been a dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0njy/was_playing_around_on_this_computer_and_it_was/
%
I sold all my Nike stock this afternoon.

It was a good run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0mgd/i_sold_all_my_nike_stock_this_afternoon/
%
What happens to you when you miss the toilet ?

Urine Trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0lj0/what_happens_to_you_when_you_miss_the_toilet/
%
A group of animal rights activists attempted to poison a barbecue

However, the poison didn't work. Should have tested it on animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0lcx/a_group_of_animal_rights_activists_attempted_to/
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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0ivg/i_trapped_a_couple_of_vegans_in_my_basement/
%
I was walking in the park the other day, when

I suddenly saw the girl of my dreams. Our eyes locked, there was a spark between us and she instantly went weak at the knees and fell before me.
As we lay on the grass making love, I thought to myself. These stun guns are well worth the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0gip/i_was_walking_in_the_park_the_other_day_when/
%
A woman asked her husband what do you want me to bring for you when i come back from Russia?

The husband said: I’ve heard that Russian girls are very pretty, bring one of them for me.
After few weeks, the woman comes back from her travel, her husband asks her: where’s the girl?
She responds with: “you’ll have to wait 9 month for her to arrive “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0fg3/a_woman_asked_her_husband_what_do_you_want_me_to/
%
What do we want?

Low-flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NIEEEOWWWW!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0f5h/what_do_we_want/
%
"You give your penis more attention than me!" said my wife.

I said, "No fucking shit. You don't give it any."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0efm/you_give_your_penis_more_attention_than_me_said/
%
If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex...

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d0c9e/if_i_was_addicted_to_masturbation_and_then_i_got/
%
I’m no longer calling period attitude PMS...

Nope, I’m calling it ovary acting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d08bm/im_no_longer_calling_period_attitude_pms/
%
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1? Or 2?
1?.....or 2?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d08a0/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A programmer wants to try stand up.

So he practices for a while and goes to comedy clubs and learns for a while. Then one day he decided will be doing a show. While performing, he will tell a joke and no one laughs and then he will go back the the start of joke a changes a bit and tells it again, you could see few people struggling to laugh but not quite enough, then he goes back to the start of the joke change a bit and repeats again, this time everyone laughs. Some one from crowd asks why did you mistake your joke, why he had to go back to the beginning and start over? Programmer I had to debug a bit to find out what worked for this crowd..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d06gx/a_programmer_wants_to_try_stand_up/
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I got sick after eating fish while in France.

The doctor said it was ... le poisson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9d05ec/i_got_sick_after_eating_fish_while_in_france/
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“Son I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime”

Son: “Why, was it something I said?”
Dad: “Yes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9czx57/son_i_dont_think_youre_cut_out_to_be_a_mime/
%
A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells "WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I'M GONNA KILL 'EM!"

A man calmly stands up and says, "You ain't got enough bullets, mate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9czx44/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_gun_and_yells_who/
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How is Colin Kaepernick like Al Bundy?

They both sucked at Football and then moved on to sell shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9czvld/how_is_colin_kaepernick_like_al_bundy/
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A man in a van with a plan

A man was speeding along the road in a van, doing well over 100, until he was pulled over by a police car.
"Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Let me see your license"
The man responded "Officer, I don't have a license"
"What?? Where is the paperwork for this van?"
"I don't have any paperwork, this is a stolen van. I was making a drug run when you stopped me."
The officer immediately pulled the man out of the van, handcuffed him, and put him in the back of his police car before calling for backup.
10 minutes later, there were several police cars on the scene, including the officers supervisor and a drug sniffing dog.
The supervisor pulled the man out of the back of the police car to interview him.
"So let me get this straight, you don't have a drivers license or paperwork for this van?"
"Of course I do. My license is in my wallet in my back pocket. The paperwork for the van is in the glove compartment."
The supervisor, confused, sees that everything is in order just as the man said, and also discovers at that point that there are absolutely no drugs in the van.
"The officer that pulled you over said you had no license, no paperwork, and you were driving a stolen van full of drugs. What's going on here?"
The man, feigning surprise, looked at the supervisor and said,
"I bet that lying bastard also said I was speeding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cztj3/a_man_in_a_van_with_a_plan/
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What condition do you have if you’re peeing blood?

Simply put, urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9czqua/what_condition_do_you_have_if_youre_peeing_blood/
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What's the difference between a night watchman and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cznyc/whats_the_difference_between_a_night_watchman_and/
%
why do politicians listen to people?

So they know which lies they're supposed to tell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9czkup/why_do_politicians_listen_to_people/
%
What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut you racist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cziq7/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_in_space/
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If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced

That explains why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self importance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9czd8l/if_you_lose_one_sense_your_other_senses_are/
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Imagine the Titanic with a Lisp

It's unthinkable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9czaoi/imagine_the_titanic_with_a_lisp/
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I Don't care what any of you say..

My Alzheimer's lets me enjoy this site everyday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cz8dz/i_dont_care_what_any_of_you_say/
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cz7j7/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
When Princess Diana Died in the car crash it was all over the radio....

The steering wheel, dashboard, etc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cz4by/when_princess_diana_died_in_the_car_crash_it_was/
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What's the difference between a good joke

and a bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cz3uh/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke/
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I tired to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking  spoon, you’re not a Jedi”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cz10q/i_tired_to_force_feed_my_child/
%
You know the thing about sex while camping?

It's fucking in tents...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cyzaz/you_know_the_thing_about_sex_while_camping/
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What's the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?

One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cyyc8/whats_the_difference_between_a_fire_wizard_and/
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Mothers on Facebook. Full time mummy is not a job.

Only Tutankhamun can claim that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cywfa/mothers_on_facebook_full_time_mummy_is_not_a_job/
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A woman exposes her breasts and takes off, she was . . .

The Flash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cyvb3/a_woman_exposes_her_breasts_and_takes_off_she_was/
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Puns about communism aren't funny...

Unless everyone gets them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cyv71/puns_about_communism_arent_funny/
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What do you call a group of sad melons?

A melon-colony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cyrzc/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_sad_melons/
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What do you call a flock of crows eyeing a cake?

A tempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cyif9/what_do_you_call_a_flock_of_crows_eyeing_a_cake/
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It's never a good idea to steal a periodic table

Coppers always Cu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cyfn4/its_never_a_good_idea_to_steal_a_periodic_table/
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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cyev8/what_do_alexander_the_great_and_winnie_the_pooh/
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My grief councillor died recently...

Luckily he was so good, I didn't give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cyc9v/my_grief_councillor_died_recently/
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Coffee and Oatmeal

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cybxd/coffee_and_oatmeal/
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I had my prostate exam yesterday.

It’s the last time I will ever fall asleep on the subway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cyapm/i_had_my_prostate_exam_yesterday/
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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cy55a/i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_in_half_just_by_looking/
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This woman keeps going to HR to try to get me fired for giving her "inappropriate" massages. Good luck with that.

I don't even work here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cy3w2/this_woman_keeps_going_to_hr_to_try_to_get_me/
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I want sex that feels as good as taking a dump....

It last half an hour, my legs are numb, and I can still browse Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cxyvp/i_want_sex_that_feels_as_good_as_taking_a_dump/
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Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cxvn3/why_did_the_coffee_file_a_police_report/
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It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that makes it a pretty cool bar if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cxmc4/its_2018_we_need_to_stop_calling_things_gay_just/
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I really hated my new short haircut

But it's growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cxjgq/i_really_hated_my_new_short_haircut/
%
My city just fired half of the city's construction workers...

Apparently they realized a shovel can stand-up on it's own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cxgfz/my_city_just_fired_half_of_the_citys_construction/
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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull...

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ........but they kind of taste like peppermint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cxgbl/i_recently_spent_6500_on_a_young_registered_black/
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So Donald Trump was golfing with his buddy the other day

His buddy said, "So I had a dream about you the other night."
"Really?" Said trump, "About what?"
"People in the hundreds of thousands were celebrating and cheering for you in the streets."
"Oh wow. How was my hair?"
"I don't know. It was a closed casket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cxfvk/so_donald_trump_was_golfing_with_his_buddy_the/
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Pierre the Fighter Pilot

Pierre, a brave and daring fighter pilot, has just returned to Paris after a heroic military tour. Alice, his lover, decides to celebrate his homecoming with a romantic picnic in the park. They've been apart for three years, and the air is thick with romance. Once they've settled on the perfect spot next to the river Seine, Alice leans in and whispers: "Kiss me Pierre!" Pierre reaches inside the picnic basket and opens a bottle of red wine, splashes it on Alice's lips, and kisses her passionately.
​
"Oh Pierre! What are you doing?" she exclaims, simultaneously confused and delighted.
"My darling," he responds, "I am Pierre the Fighter Pilot; when I have red meat, I must have red wine!"
​
They continue their passionate kissing, when Alice pulls away and narrows her eyes: "Pierre, kiss me...lower." Pierre reaches inside the picnic basket, uncorks a bottle of white wine, splashes it across her breasts, and passionately dives into her bosom.
​
"Oh Pierre! What on earth are you doing?" Alice screams, just as shocked as she is aroused.
"My dear," he responds looking up from between her breasts, "I am Pierre the Fighter Pilot; when I have white meat, I must have white wine!"
​
The love affair is getting heated between the young couple, when Alice grabs Pierre by the collar: Pierre...Kiss me...*lower*." All of a sudden Pierre grabs a bottle of vodka and shakes it wildly over Alice's skirt; he lights a match, and before she knows what's happening her dress is engulfed in fire.
​
"Pierre, my god what are you doing???" Alice shrieks as she runs to jump in the Seine.
"My love," he yells after her, "I am Pierre the Fighter Pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cxfan/pierre_the_fighter_pilot/
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My grief counsellor died the other day...

But he was so good I didn't even care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cx995/my_grief_counsellor_died_the_other_day/
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A timid friend of mine was arrested at the border for being a drug mule.

I didn't know he had it in him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cx4rt/a_timid_friend_of_mine_was_arrested_at_the_border/
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I sent a message to my crush asking if I could send her my dick

She said no and now I have no idea what to do with all these stamps I just bought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cx3we/i_sent_a_message_to_my_crush_asking_if_i_could/
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During my prostate exam, the doctor told me it was completely normal to get an erection.

When I pointed out I didn't have one he said he wasn't talking about me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cwyac/during_my_prostate_exam_the_doctor_told_me_it_was/
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Unhappily married husband arrives home...

...and asks his wife: "What would you do if I won a lottery?"
"I'd take half of it and dump your sorry ass forever."
Man pulls out 10 dollars and gives it to her. "Actually, you can have all of it. Get out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cwu6j/unhappily_married_husband_arrives_home/
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A bus leaves the station...

...a man, who has missed the closing doors, starts sprinting after it.
He runs, stumbles, falls, gets up and runs on. Over and over again.
Passengers are laughing their asses off and observing the man from the windows.
One girl can't hold on anymore, opens window and yells the man:
"Sir, if you keep running like this, we're going to piss ourselves from the laughter!"
Man responds,
"Oh, you will shit yourself too! See, I'm the driver of this bus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cwptw/a_bus_leaves_the_station/
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What does a nosey pepper do ?

It gets jalapeño business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cwmug/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
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A blonde calls her friend...

"Get here NOW! I made such a discovery!"
A friend comes over.
"Look!", blonde says, and turns off the light.
"Well, it's dark..."
"Do you know where the light went?"
"Um... No...?"
Blonde marches her friend to a refrigerator through the darkened apartment. Pulls the door open.
"Here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cwmcp/a_blonde_calls_her_friend/
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Did you hear about the blind carpenter?

He pick up his hammer and saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cwjec/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_carpenter/
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A hungry boy arrives home from school in Venezuela.

He says: "Mom, what do we have for lunch"?
She answers "Nothing, my son, nothing".
The boy turns his head and suspiciously stares at their pet parrot, and says: "Mom, what about some cooked parrot with rice?"
She answers: "We don't have rice, my son".
"Can't we eat the parrot with some carrots or potatoes?", he asks.
"Son, we don't have any carrots or potatoes", she answers.
"Mom, what about some roasted parrot?", he said.
"We don't have any cooking gas", she answers.
"What about some parrot wings, fried on the electric grill?", the boy inquires.
"We can't. We don't have electricity", she replied.
The parrot then turns to them, spreads his wings and shouts "HOLY FUCK, LONG LIVE MADURO!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cwhi1/a_hungry_boy_arrives_home_from_school_in_venezuela/
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An Engineer dies and is sent to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.
The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.
The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on?
The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."
"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute."
The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cwfby/an_engineer_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
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A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.

“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five!”
“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty two.”
“How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.
St. Peter says, “We added up your time sheets.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cwet8/a_lawyer_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Photon checks in a hotel...

Bellhop: "Do you have any luggage with you?"
Photon: "No, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cwdff/photon_checks_in_a_hotel/
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I brought home a bouquet of roses for my wife

She looked at me in disbelief and asked "what did you do wrong"
"What? I just wanted to do something nice for you, buy you a gift, and this is how you act?" I respond
"Yea right, you think I don't know any better, now you want me to lay in bed naked all week with my legs spread"
"Why" i asked, " you don't have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cwcy9/i_brought_home_a_bouquet_of_roses_for_my_wife/
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Paddy says to Murphy, “My mate came off his motorbike today”

“Oh really” Murphy said.
“Yeah he has brain damage, 2 broken arms and is blind in one eye” replied Paddy.
“Fucking hell” says Murphy, “No wonder he came off”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cwaq4/paddy_says_to_murphy_my_mate_came_off_his/
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At Oxford's men only English language competition, 200 males were participating

The challenge was to express Peacefulness, Happiness and Calmness in a single sentence.
The person who won the competition wrote....
"My wife is sleeping."
He also received standing ovation from the audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cwa9z/at_oxfords_men_only_english_language_competition/
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I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cw3yh/ive_set_up_a_company_to_rid_people_of_vampires/
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Once a man went to a rocket station and asked for ticket to the moon.

The attendant said, " Sorry sir, the moon is full just now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cw3uc/once_a_man_went_to_a_rocket_station_and_asked_for/
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What do the brave men, and women who protect our towns and cities have in common with some very small bugs that get stuck in Edgar Allan Poe's hair have in common?

They're both Po-Lice.
* my wife kicked me out of the car shortly after telling you this joke. Crazy part about it is I was driving at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cw0rn/what_do_the_brave_men_and_women_who_protect_our/
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Why can’t you fight a dinosaur?

Because you’ll get Jurasskicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cw0it/why_cant_you_fight_a_dinosaur/
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I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cvuoa/i_told_my_new_girlfriend_that_my_mother_is_deaf/
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Scrabble

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles...
He kept leaving little messages around the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cvtse/scrabble/
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I had a dream last night that I was a muffler

I woke up exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cvs5p/i_had_a_dream_last_night_that_i_was_a_muffler/
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1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1's hands got so cold that they went numb.
2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cvlm8/1_and_2_went_out_for_a_walk_in_the_snow/
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I've decided I want to work in a mirror factory.

It's something I can totally see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cvi4w/ive_decided_i_want_to_work_in_a_mirror_factory/
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I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried putting advertisements on the hulk.

He’s essentially a giant banner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cvha8/i_dont_know_why_marvel_hasnt_tried_putting/
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Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cvgib/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_2_doors/
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Hitting a deer with your car is always an unfair trade.

You're out the cost of the insurance deductible, but nature is only out a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cvd3i/hitting_a_deer_with_your_car_is_always_an_unfair/
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A man and a woman meet up for sex

The man, who had really enjoyed himself asks the woman afterwards, "Are you a nurse?" The woman replies "Yes I am. How did you know?" The man answers "because you took care of me so well." The woman then asks him "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He answers proudly, "Yes. How did you know?" The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cv5fk/a_man_and_a_woman_meet_up_for_sex/
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cv203/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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Doctor told his patient he has 2 months to live.

So he killed his doctor and the judge gave him 20 years.
Can't survive in Lagos if you're not smart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cuxn4/doctor_told_his_patient_he_has_2_months_to_live/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cuumb/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cuu7r/a_young_couple_dies_on_their_way_to_their_wedding/
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Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven brutally raped, murdered, and cannibalized Nine. Please stop downplaying what Seven did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cut1m/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cusod/why_was_the_antivaxxers_4_year_old_child_crying/
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My neighbor sometimes undresses as if...

.... someone is watching her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cuse5/my_neighbor_sometimes_undresses_as_if/
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Son : "Dad I'm transgender"

Dad:" that makes me transPARENT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9curfv/son_dad_im_transgender/
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A captain is giving orders to soldiers staying in line

After finishing he asked if anyone had a question to ask.
One of the soldiers asks “I’m sorry Sir, but why do your boots have different colours, one black and one brown?”
Captain realizes that he really has two different boots and says that he will go home and change them, and that soldiers should wait here till he comes back
One hour passes, all soldiers are exhausted, and finally the captain appears, sad, and still wearing different boots
A soldier asks why didn’t he change the boots, why are you still wearing one black and one brown boot?
The captain replies, I couldn’t find a normal pair at home, the other two are also different

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cuq68/a_captain_is_giving_orders_to_soldiers_staying_in/
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Where does an animal that lost its tail go?

To the retail store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cum4n/where_does_an_animal_that_lost_its_tail_go/
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I can cut wood by only looking at it

It's true, i saw it with my eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cujy4/i_can_cut_wood_by_only_looking_at_it/
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My gym teacher was shouting at me like “Power comes from the legs! I know you can do it!”

It felt really bad as I was standing on a ledge on the 31st floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cuioc/my_gym_teacher_was_shouting_at_me_like_power/
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What’ was James Brown’s favorite college?

UNH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cud7c/what_was_james_browns_favorite_college/
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What's a laundry machine's favourite chocolate?

Lindt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cucnz/whats_a_laundry_machines_favourite_chocolate/
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I was in bed with a Chinese chick the other day

“What do you fancy?” She asked playfully...
“oooh 69 please!”
“I’m not cooking now bastard!” She said as she stormed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cuaed/i_was_in_bed_with_a_chinese_chick_the_other_day/
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I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger...

and then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cu8hq/i_was_wondering_why_the_ball_was_getting_bigger/
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Another bread joke

A local bakery hired a beautiful young female cashier who likes to wear very short skirts. One day, a young man enters the store and after noticing the length of her skirt and the high location of the raisin bread, had a brilliant idea. 'I'd like a loaf of raisin bread' the man ordered and the girl climbs up the ladder to reach for the raisin bread. The young man standing directly beneath her gets an excellent view as planned. Once she is climbing down from the ladder, another male customer notices what was going on and requests for a loaf of raisin bread as well. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady caught the eye of another male customer and soon every male customer was asking for raisin bread. After making several trips, the lady was tired and irritated and was fuming atop the ladder, where she noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No" he stammers "But it's quivering quite a bit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cu7p5/another_bread_joke/
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I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cu6md/i_thought_my_son_would_like_that_i_bought_him_a/
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What’s a Shitzu?

A zoo with no animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cu50x/whats_a_shitzu/
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After being harassed by ads about hot singles that are interested in me within 1 mile, I decided to investigate.

It turns out there are a lot of hot singles in my area, but none of them are interested in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ctsxr/after_being_harassed_by_ads_about_hot_singles/
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Dwarves may seem okay on the outside...

But 6 out of 7 aren't happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ctpcd/dwarves_may_seem_okay_on_the_outside/
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There's an OC flair on this sub...

It's just that nobody uses it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ctjxh/theres_an_oc_flair_on_this_sub/
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I was in the Supermarket with the wife

When suddenly out of the blue she said "what a lazy useless bastard you are"
Well, I was so shocked that I nearly fell out of the trolley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cti2v/i_was_in_the_supermarket_with_the_wife/
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New study shows that 4*20+10+7 percent of French people are unhappy with the French counting system.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cth9v/new_study_shows_that_420107_percent_of_french/
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What do you call a family that likes to sleep?

Nap Kin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ctey8/what_do_you_call_a_family_that_likes_to_sleep/
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A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ctekx/a_husband_and_wife_had_a_bitter_quarrel_on_the/
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The three unwritten rules of life...

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ctcwv/the_three_unwritten_rules_of_life/
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Once upon a time there was an egg...

This egg was very smart, even at a very young age he decided to be the most successful chicken in the world! During his chick years he was so hardworking and competitive that he was always top of the class and graduated a couple of months younger than his peers. Of course, naturally he was accepted to prestigious Universities by the time he was eligible. He studied economics and then directly pursued law. He topped the bar exam and started his own firm, Chic & Ken, with an older successful rooster. It became the most prestigious firm in the entire farm. At this time as well, because the law allows it, he wed many lovely hens and fathered many healthy eggs. One dawn, he went out a little earlier than his usual time to crow. The moon was very round and seeing himself being the only animal awake, he started to contemplate about his life. He asked himself why was he so blessed in life and why did it feel like he never had a setback. How good life was if he could live forever. Unknown to him, his wish would be granted but it would be the start of a tragedy. The next day, his firm was the centerpiece of the biggest scandal in history and he found out that his partner was working closely with terrorists. Within two days, Chic & Ken was no more and he had to move his entire family to another smaller coop. He had to look other jobs to support such a big family and he went to the stable, and the garden, but no one would dare hire him. At nightfall he went back to his home but to his horror, his wives and their brood were massacred by foxes; he had just caught a glimpse of their tails when they were fleeing the scene. Hopeless, he tried to kill himself many times but to no avail and after a year, he decides to leave the farm. One day, he came up to a busy highway when suddenly a fairy appeared and said to him that he was cursed to live forever but today it has finally been lifted. Suddenly, the old rooster rejoiced and he rushed towards the highway. So why did the chicken cross the road? To go to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ct8tc/once_upon_a_time_there_was_an_egg/
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Dads are like boomerangs...

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ct889/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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A boy named Steve was being bullied by a boy named Billy.

Billy's parents were vegan, and one day Billy's father had a stroke out of nowhere, despite his healthy lifestyle.
Ever since Billy's dad was hospitalized after the stroke, Billy became very more and more aggressive to the point where he would bully Steve and hurl insults at him daily for no apparent reason.
One day, Billy said to Steve: "Hey, why are you such a dick? Oh right, you are what you eat."
Steve replied: "Is that how your dad became a vegetable?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ct79e/a_boy_named_steve_was_being_bullied_by_a_boy/
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What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg?

Hop in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9csxrg/what_to_say_to_a_hitchhiker_with_just_one_leg/
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I once babysat a sausage.

It was really poorly behaved, though.
A total *brat*.
Just the *wurst*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9csqo6/i_once_babysat_a_sausage/
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God said to Adam

For an arm, leg and one of your balls... I’ll give you a beautiful woman who never complains, never cheats and always lets you put it in her butt
ADAM: idk god,  that’s all lot to give up,  what can I get for a rib?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cskal/god_said_to_adam/
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What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Madam,
We are writing this letter to inform you that your account has been suspended for illegal downloading of copyrighted material

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9csh9x/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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Some people say I am crazy.

Luckily, only I can hear them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cscsy/some_people_say_i_am_crazy/
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I used to have a job as a can crusher

It was soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9csb0h/i_used_to_have_a_job_as_a_can_crusher/
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I explained to my friend that I was going to shoot him, and I did. He didn’t seem to care.

It just went in one ear and out the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cs5mq/i_explained_to_my_friend_that_i_was_going_to/
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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,000
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cs2ql/three_guys_are_walking_through_the_woods_when/
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I had a girlfriend and her favorite Pixar movie was "Up".

This was 2010 and she had it on blue ray, and we would watch it at least once a week at her apartment. But after like the 40th time, I confronted her and said I was tired of watching. The argument got heated; it didn't help that we were drunk. Suddenly, she pushed me and I fell on something. I turned and saw the disk broken; she cried hysterically.
At this moment, I knew, we broke Up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9crzlu/i_had_a_girlfriend_and_her_favorite_pixar_movie/
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To pronounce the word,”Queue”,you only have to pronounce the letter Q because....

...All the other letters are waiting in line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cry2k/to_pronounce_the_wordqueueyou_only_have_to/
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If you’re the assistant to the assistant lunatic...

You’re a coconut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9crwzw/if_youre_the_assistant_to_the_assistant_lunatic/
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Some mornings I wake up grumpy

But some mornings I let her sleep in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9crv3v/some_mornings_i_wake_up_grumpy/
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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records....

But then the librarian told me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9crrwu/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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Bought myself one of those blow up sex dolls the other day..

I bit her and she went down on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9crqwh/bought_myself_one_of_those_blow_up_sex_dolls_the/
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What do bloods eat when they get sick?

Chicken noodle suuu wooop!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9crqq2/what_do_bloods_eat_when_they_get_sick/
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My Dad told me to find a woman that likes to cook, clean, and have sex.

The most important thing though was to make sure that these three women never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9crp0b/my_dad_told_me_to_find_a_woman_that_likes_to_cook/
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What do buffalo tell their children before school?

Bye son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9crmlc/what_do_buffalo_tell_their_children_before_school/
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A monkey and a weasel go to a bar in California

The monkey sits down at the bar and orders a beer. He gestures at the weasel and says, "he's driving though, so no beer for him." The bartender turns to the weasel and says, "alright, what'll you have?"
"Soda," goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9crlgn/a_monkey_and_a_weasel_go_to_a_bar_in_california/
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How do you get a hippie pregnant? [NSFW]

Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9crc1j/how_do_you_get_a_hippie_pregnant_nsfw/
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If life gives you melons

You might be dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cr4tl/if_life_gives_you_melons/
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Im not a person to believe in conspiracy theories, but..

.. working at 7/11 was an inside job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cr43v/im_not_a_person_to_believe_in_conspiracy_theories/
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My wife always complains I’m insensitive. So I got her some beads of an abacus for her birthday.

She said, “What the hell are these?”
I replied, “It’s the little things that count.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cr2lf/my_wife_always_complains_im_insensitive_so_i_got/
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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cqwxg/my_sister_asked_for_me_to_bring_her_something/
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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."
The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go eat the human the first time?"
Dad replies "Well, you can but why would you want to eat him when he's still full of shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cqwnr/a_shark_is_teaching_his_kid_how_to_eat_humans/
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I bought a homeless man a sandwich and a cup of tea...

and I forgot to take a picture and tell the Internet. Absolute waste of a fiver that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cqplx/i_bought_a_homeless_man_a_sandwich_and_a_cup_of/
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The inventor of the ‘anagram’ died today

May he ‘erect a penis’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cqoj5/the_inventor_of_the_anagram_died_today/
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Why was the cop playing Pokemon?

Because he was trying to catch Jamal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cqmme/why_was_the_cop_playing_pokemon/
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How do you flirt with a calligraphist?

Say, "You have pretty I's!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cqjps/how_do_you_flirt_with_a_calligraphist/
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I call my horse Mayo

Sometimes Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cqd2z/i_call_my_horse_mayo/
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They say "Eat before you go to the grocery store, you do not buy as much"

That does NOT work with a liquor store....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cqbrz/they_say_eat_before_you_go_to_the_grocery_store/
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What’s the fastest way to lose 130 lbs of dead weight?

Divorce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cqb3b/whats_the_fastest_way_to_lose_130_lbs_of_dead/
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My dad died in front of me

Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said,
"*You are stepping on my oxygen line*".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cq76p/my_dad_died_in_front_of_me/
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Why do archeologists make bad girlfriends?

They always dig up the past...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cq62u/why_do_archeologists_make_bad_girlfriends/
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What do cancer jokes and kids with cancer have in common

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cq0mk/what_do_cancer_jokes_and_kids_with_cancer_have_in/
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Did you hear about that boy who lived in Chernobyl?

I heard he grew a foot since the last time I saw him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cpva8/did_you_hear_about_that_boy_who_lived_in_chernobyl/
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In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king who made the lives of his townsfolk quite enjoyable. They had want for nothing, for they had many riches.
The second kingdom wasn't as fine - its outer walls of cobblestone and wood held the middle-class villagers, who had to slap on some elbow grease once in a while to get things done.
But the third kingdom was the most desolate of all - rotting walls of wood housed the peasants, farmers and slaves. Ridden with disease and dirt, one's dream house would be anywhere but here.
One day, the king of the first kingdom decides he wants the lake, for it is a valuable resource, and so he wages war on the other two kingdoms over the lake; winner takes all.
For such a war, the first kingdom sends out a hundred war-trained knights clad in the finest steel armor you've ever seen with polished swords and armored stallions of battle. To accompany them, a squire is assigned to each knight to tend to his every need, no matter how demanding.
The second kingdom, since they're not as wealthy as the first, sends out fifty knights with top-notch leather armor and a few horses, as well as two dozen squires for the lot.
The third kingdom sends out its only warrior with the suit of armor his father passed down to him when he died of smallpox. Seeing as said warrior is quite elderly, they task their king's only squire to him to aid him in his endeavours.
The night before the battle, the first kingdom's knights have a huge party. They get drunk off their asses with wine and mead, and everyone has one hell of a night.
The second kingdom's knights don't have such luxuries, so they sit around a large fire with pints of ale and recount battle-won victories of the past, with the squires offering music and dancing for entertainment.
The third kingdom's lone knight decides he's not in the mood to party since he's way past 50, and has a small beer before nodding off under a tree. The squire makes him beef stew in a pot, and hoists it up in the tree with a noose around a thick branch to consume it for breakfast before their battle.
The sun rises, roosters crow, and the knights awaken. The first kingdom's knights all have head-splitting migraines from their hangovers; the second kingdom's knights aren't doing that well either; the third kingdom's knight slept in. They collectively decide that no one's in the mood to wield a sword and kill anyone, so the three kingdoms send their squires out to battle. And what a battle! Blood was spilled, skulls were shattered, enemies were slain, and against all odds, the lone survivor of this massacre was the lone squire from the third kingdom. As was agreed by the three kings, the third kingdom was given the lake.
I suppose it goes to show that the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is equal to the squires of its two opposing sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cpsm6/in_medieval_europe_there_once_was_a_triangular/
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NSFW The perfect Doctor

Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on,
the 1st Nurse says ‘I can’t let that go to waste’, & rides him. The
2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on
her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses
apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies ‘I was, but
after two jump starts & a blood transfusion I feel fuckin great!!!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cpq18/nsfw_the_perfect_doctor/
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When we were kids we used to be afraid of darkness

However, when we grew up and saw the electricity bill we became afraid of light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cppmi/when_we_were_kids_we_used_to_be_afraid_of_darkness/
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A noble goes hunting...

...with his servant. They haven't gotten far from house when noble realizes that ground is muddy and ruining his shoes.
He tells servant: "I'm going to wait here, run back to house and bring me my riding boots".
Servant, seizing the moment, runs into house and into noble's daughter's bedroom.
"My lady, your father ordered me to make love to you". Daughter agrees. When he's done, servant runs to the wife of the noble.
"My apologies, but your husband ordered me to satisfy both you and your daughter. It's your turn".
Lady of the house doesn't believe a word. So servant opens a window and yells to noble so everyone could hear:
"Did you say just one or both?"
"What the fuck is taking so long? You goddamn halfwit! Of course both!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cporp/a_noble_goes_hunting/
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A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant, and the waiter asks him what he would like to eat.
The man replies, "Well I've never been here before, but I think I'll try the steak. Rare, please."
The waiter walks away, and a while later brings out his food. "And how did we do on your steak tonight?" The waiter asks.
With an unhappy look on his face, the man replies, "Well done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cpnys/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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Two vegans got into an argument

The beef got heated quickly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cph2c/two_vegans_got_into_an_argument/
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How many Germans do you need to change a lightbulb?

One, they're efficient and have no humour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cpei3/how_many_germans_do_you_need_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cpb16/they_say_the_camera_adds_ten_pounds/
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Rules to live by

Several of us local retired pilots were asked to address a junior high gathering put on by the PTA.
I was the only speaker to show up, so I had the stage to myself. I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and all that usual bullshit; and since I had plenty of time because those other guys didn't show, I threw it open for questions.
The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?"
I said, "That's an easy one.  Looking back over my lifetime, I've spent most of my money on guns, airplanes, fast cars, women and whiskey.  The rest I just wasted."
I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:
1) If it flies, floats, or fucks, it's cheaper to rent it.
2) If it's got tits or tires, you're gonna have problems with it.
I hope they invite me back next year so I can finish.  They need to know this shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cp9gl/rules_to_live_by/
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I saw man and woman wrapped up in a bar code....

...I said "Are you an item?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cp98s/i_saw_man_and_woman_wrapped_up_in_a_bar_code/
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A man got sentenced to 1 year in jail

One day when he was serving his time, he heard someone yell 85. Everyone on the cell block laughed. Than someone else yelled 132. Everyone laughs. Some else yells out 237. Everyone he can hear is dying with laughter, but the man couldn’t figure out why. Later that day at lunch he asked another prisoner about the laughing from earlier. The man says” most of us here have been here for a while, we’ve made a list of the jokes we know and labeled them by number so they are easier to tell.” Intrigued by this, the man goes back to his cell after lunch and figured he will give it a try. The man yells out 65. Dead silence, no one laughed. He figured maybe that was a bad joke, so he tries again. 82 the man yelled out. Again no one laughed. Again he thinks that must be a lame joke, so he tries one of the jokes he heard everyone laugh at earlier. So the man yells out 132. But still no on laughs. Frustrated, the man asked his neighbour why no one would laugh when he yells out the jokes. His neighbour says “you know, some people know how to tell a joke, some don’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cp300/a_man_got_sentenced_to_1_year_in_jail/
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Where does an Italian keep their loose change?

In their penne jar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cp2wi/where_does_an_italian_keep_their_loose_change/
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I accidentally tried to milk a bull.

It was udder confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cp2bf/i_accidentally_tried_to_milk_a_bull/
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A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities
The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"
"Yes, I do son"
"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies
The second one comes later, with even more blood on his face, and says "Dad, do you see that horse?", he asks
"Yes, I do, son"
"So, I sucked its blood"
Finally, the third one returns, with even more blood on his face, and says, "Dad, do you see that wall?"
"Yes, I do, son", replies the father
"I didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9coyz3/a_bat_teaches_his_three_children_how_to_suck_blood/
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A man receives a phone call

He answers it, only to find out it's his doctor
The doctor says "I have good news and bad news, which one do you want to hear first?"
"Suck it", the man replies, "tell me the bad news first"
"You have only 24 hours to live"
"Goddamit, only 24 hours? What about the good news?"
"I was going to phone you yesterday to say that but you didn't reply"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cox2i/a_man_receives_a_phone_call/
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How do you call it when you help someone make a hamburger?

A co-whopperation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cov8t/how_do_you_call_it_when_you_help_someone_make_a/
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A woman went to the psychiatrist, and once she got there, she approached the psychiatrist and said "Doctor, I think my husband is crazy, he's talking to the lamp"

He asked, "that's crazy, how do you know that?
"The lamp told me about it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cotwl/a_woman_went_to_the_psychiatrist_and_once_she_got/
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What do you call two guys who hang around the window all day?

Kurt n Rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9copxr/what_do_you_call_two_guys_who_hang_around_the/
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“Hey sir, how much for the box of dead batteries”

“They’re free of charge”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9coo4h/hey_sir_how_much_for_the_box_of_dead_batteries/
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Why was the shark eating pineapples?

Because it makes seamen taste better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cona2/why_was_the_shark_eating_pineapples/
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My friend was freaking out. He said, “I just found out that the girl I slept with last night was my third cousin!”

I said, “If it bothers you so much, stop counting.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9commt/my_friend_was_freaking_out_he_said_i_just_found/
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Goodnight Mom, goodnight dad.

A father was tucking his youngest daughter to bed one night after he finished reading her daily bedtime story. Just as he finally kissed her on the forehead, she said - "Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad, goodbye forever Grandpappy"
The father was a little disturbed by the last part but shook it off and went to bed.
The next day, the father was in complete shock to hear of his father-in-law's passing. He thought about what his daughter said but dismissed it as a brutal coincidence.
That same night he tucked his daughter to bed and she said - "Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad, goodbye forever Grandmommy"
Again the father felt disturbed by that last part but thought that lightning wouldn't strike in the same place twice.
The next morning he gets a call saying that his mother had passed away in her sleep.
The father [understandably] was speechless.
On the third night, as he tucked his daughter to bed she said - "Goodnight Mom, goodbye forever Dad"
The father shat himself and wouldn't take any chances. The next morning he gathered supplies and he rushed to his office. He promised to lock himself in his office until midnight to avoid death.
After the anxious, arduous day, the clock finally strikes 12am and he's safe! He's not dead!
When the father gets home he finds his wife waiting for him by the kitchen table.
"James, where have you been all day?"
"Just uh... the office... had to catch up on some work. How was your day?"
"Horrible. Just as we were about to seal a big business investment, my boss collapsed and died right in the middle of the board meeting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9coh5r/goodnight_mom_goodnight_dad/
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I have an epipen.

My best friend gave it to me with his dying breath. I’m not sure why it was so important, but he definitely wanted me to have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9coftd/i_have_an_epipen/
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Women only find me ugly until they learn how much I make

Then they find me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9co3dg/women_only_find_me_ugly_until_they_learn_how_much/
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What Bitcoin and sex have in common?

You have to pull out at the right time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9co0ov/what_bitcoin_and_sex_have_in_common/
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My friend is addicted to brake fluid.

He says he can stop anytime though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cnvvi/my_friend_is_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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What do you call a computer file that likes children?

A PDFFile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cntmf/what_do_you_call_a_computer_file_that_likes/
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A penguin is driving down the highway when he starts having engine problems.

He pulls into a local mechanic’s and the mechanic says, “Give me an hour and I’ll let you know the problem.” The penguin walks out and see an ice cream shop and goes in for a vanilla cone.
An hour later, he walks back to the mechanic’s. The mechanic see him coming and meets him at the counter and says, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
The penguin wipes his mouth and says, “No, no, that’s just ice cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cnq3r/a_penguin_is_driving_down_the_highway_when_he/
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Ate 3 bowls of alphabet soup earlier...

Just took the biggest vowel movement of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cnmi7/ate_3_bowls_of_alphabet_soup_earlier/
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I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cnklz/i_went_with_my_kids_for_a_swim_in_the_public_kids/
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What do you call a number that's red and itchy?

rational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cnekm/what_do_you_call_a_number_thats_red_and_itchy/
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Many people who appear to be cool ,often struggle with feelings of inadequecy . But not me.

I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cndvl/many_people_who_appear_to_be_cool_often_struggle/
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Why do brain surgeons begin operations early?

So they can work ahead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cnd1p/why_do_brain_surgeons_begin_operations_early/
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I trust anyone who can pick me up

It's not a good rule, but it's carried me this far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cn91f/i_trust_anyone_who_can_pick_me_up/
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"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway... Edit: someone said the website is banned on Reddit-I don't know whether it is or not but I took it off to be safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cn8as/when_one_door_closes_another_opens_he_said/
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Insecure people are like chocolate chip cookies

After they get baked, they'll crumble easily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cn6v7/insecure_people_are_like_chocolate_chip_cookies/
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What is Bigfoots favorite exercise?

Sasquats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cn3df/what_is_bigfoots_favorite_exercise/
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Purchased a deodorant stick today.

Instructions say "remove cap and push up bottom" I can hardly walk but when I fartthe room smells lovely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cmzft/purchased_a_deodorant_stick_today/
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The Russian and American generals are talking about their troops..(Old Joke)

The Russian general says, "we feed our troops 1,500 calories a day." The American general says "that's nothing. We feed our troops 5,000 calories a day, at least." "Impossible!" says the Russian general. "No man can eat an entire sack of potatoes in 24 hours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cmyp4/the_russian_and_american_generals_are_talking/
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Constipation is a real problem.

If you ignore that shit, it’ll become a real pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cmxdw/constipation_is_a_real_problem/
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A man worked at construction site...

...and is brought to emergency room with concussion and skull fracture.
His wife, furious, comes to hospital.
"What happened?!"
"Well, I yelled: "John, throw me the hammer!"..."
"And then what?! You didn't catch it?"
"In matter of fact *I did*. But then I remembered we have 3 guys named John working on our site..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cmurd/a_man_worked_at_construction_site/
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When does a joke become a “dad joke”?

When it becomes apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cmsd1/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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A women married and had 13 kids. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more kids. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cms5o/a_women_married_and_had_13_kids_her_husband_died/
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Two friends are discussing...

"Look, I have this thing going," says John. "I fell in love with our pastor's wife so we're having an affair. I haven't seen her for few days and I'm urging to do so. Could you be a buddy and keep our pastor occupied while I... go do the thing?"
His friend, Bill, reluctantly agrees. It's a sin he's agreed to help to commit. He goes to pastor and starts asking all sorts of random questions. He tries and tries, but pastor happens to be a wise man who sees that Bill is not sincere.
So, after sweating a bit, Bill confesses. That yes, he's just delaying the pastor from going home because his friend John is bedding pastor's wife.
Pastor scratches his head a bit. Doesn't get even angry.
"Bill," he says, "my wife's been dead for two years. There's no reason to keep *me* occupied... But if I were you, I'd run home really quick right now...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cmr80/two_friends_are_discussing/
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I met a guy who kept bragging that he could eat his own body...

He was so full of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cmmet/i_met_a_guy_who_kept_bragging_that_he_could_eat/
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I don’t see why people are mad at me for wasting paper

It literally grows on trees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cminc/i_dont_see_why_people_are_mad_at_me_for_wasting/
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My Neighbour had a penis extension

Now his house just looks stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cmgzf/my_neighbour_had_a_penis_extension/
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Why was Al Gore scientifically a great dancer?

Because of his Al Gore Rythyms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cmfyg/why_was_al_gore_scientifically_a_great_dancer/
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What is brown and green, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree onto you?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cmfn9/what_is_brown_and_green_and_will_kill_you_if_it/
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A man had a terminal illness.

His doctor says he only had six months to live and there is only one treatment. The doctor tells him he had to marry a woman that yells at him constantly and move to Kansas.
“Will it help?” asks the man.
“No,” says the doctor, “but it will be the longest six months of your life.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cm8ud/a_man_had_a_terminal_illness/
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I tried to catch some fog.

I mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cm4in/i_tried_to_catch_some_fog/
%
Yo mama so fat...

that when she says 'no',
it's a mass protest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cm16a/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Lukewarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9clxnm/whats_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
%
How do Wookiees taste?

Chewie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9clxdd/how_do_wookiees_taste/
%
I don't always roll a joint, but when I do

It's my ankle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9clw98/i_dont_always_roll_a_joint_but_when_i_do/
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A cabbie picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''
''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''
She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.''
The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''
The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''
''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''
The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cltm8/a_cabbie_picks_up_a_nun/
%
What do a redneck and his wife have in common?

DNA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9clt7o/what_do_a_redneck_and_his_wife_have_in_common/
%
What did the French chef say when he was sick and tired of misplacing his olive oil?

"I'm losing my huile d'olive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9clpcp/what_did_the_french_chef_say_when_he_was_sick_and/
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Philosophy Exam

It’s nearing the end of the semester at a prestigious university of philosophy. The 100+ students wait eagerly for the professor to enter the auditorium & begin their final exam. They all have their notebooks out, as the final is open book. The professor enters and, without saying a word, puts his chair on top of his podium.
He announces to the class, “Using everything that you know about philosophy, I want you to write an essay proving to me that this chair does not exist”. The students begin furiously writing, all except one guy sitting in the far back. He writes something down, turns it in, and is gone in less than a minute.
A week passes & the students gather outside to view their grades, looking upon the posting in utter horror. Every one of them had failed the course... all except the one guy. The students then gathered around him & ask him anxiously how he proved that the chair did not exist. His reply?
“What chair?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9clm9j/philosophy_exam/
%
"Just the bonuses for the CEO's on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American's make on minimum wage in a year" : New York Times

But we have a national holiday today called Labor Day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9clkkn/just_the_bonuses_for_the_ceos_on_wall_street/
%
A horse wanted to start a band.

It has always been a dream of his, the horse. He always fantasized about the day he’d sell out avenues with his talented bandmates. He thought to himself, “today, I will make my dream come true. No more waiting around.” Only problem is, he doesn’t know how to play any instrument, though he did have a kickass singing voice.
He turned to the yellow pages, and began his search for the perfect musicians. After days of searching, he finally found a guitarist, a turtle. As strange as it seemed to the horse, he decided to arrange a meeting. The turtle was anything but average. He slayed on the guitar, the horse couldn’t believe his eyes or his ears.
The horse told him of his dream, and the turtle agreed to join the band. He gave the horse two phone numbers, one for a rabbit that played the keyboard and one for an armadillo who played the drums. The horse had finally put together his dream band, and they quickly gained recognition for their work.
They sold out concerts left and right! Life was good for the band, and the horse wanted nothing more. Until one day the rabbit fell ill, and after countless months in the hospital, he died. This broke the horse’s heart, and the band began falling apart in front of him.
The turtle became a drug addict and was no longer useful or cooperative.
The armadillo, stressed from all the fame and expectations the world forced onto him and his band, had enough, spat in the face of the horse, and left him in the dirt. The horse felt worse than he had ever before. He was broken. He had no one to turn to. He hoped a cold beer or two, or six, might numb his pain a little, for he had lost it all. His dream, flushed down the sink because of his carelessness.
So the horse walked into the bar, and the bartender said, “why the long face?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9clk6c/a_horse_wanted_to_start_a_band/
%
I used to circumcise elephants for a living...

The pay sucked but the tips were tremendous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cljrq/i_used_to_circumcise_elephants_for_a_living/
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My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment.

But it’s actually opened a lot of doors for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9clg84/my_wife_said_wasting_what_little_money_we_have_on/
%
Selling French WW2 Rifle in great condition.

It has never been fired only dropped once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cl6sn/selling_french_ww2_rifle_in_great_condition/
%
I know a friend who keeps stealing board games...

He’s such a risk taker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cl0pj/i_know_a_friend_who_keeps_stealing_board_games/
%
My girlfriend started smoking after sex

I guess i have to use lubricant next time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cl0j6/my_girlfriend_started_smoking_after_sex/
%
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in the cage

Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ckvt0/i_went_to_the_zoo_and_saw_a_baguette_in_the_cage/
%
Why does anything posted during the night get downvoted?

Because the Australians are online.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cku8h/why_does_anything_posted_during_the_night_get/
%
What did the owner say about their 7 bit dog

Don’t worry, he doesn’t byte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cktrv/what_did_the_owner_say_about_their_7_bit_dog/
%
I just heard a new Fibonacci joke:

it was as bad as former two Fibonacci jokes put together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ckpnt/i_just_heard_a_new_fibonacci_joke/
%
What does Batman have with his coke?

Just ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ckpj6/what_does_batman_have_with_his_coke/
%
eBay is just so useless...

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 382,608 matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ckhin/ebay_is_just_so_useless/
%
A man and woman in bed

"Give me some", man begs.
"No. You've had too much," wife responds.
"Come on, let me have some," man begs again.
"I'm tired of this. Help yourself. Go ahead, but you know how it always goes", then wife says.
Happily man goes to kitchen, opens refrigerator, and grabs a bottle of champagne. He fiddles with the cork and it pops out with a bang.
From the kids' room, an accusing voice comes:
"Mom, you shoulda given dad some. See, now he went and shot himself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ckgr3/a_man_and_woman_in_bed/
%
A Parting Gift

An explorer, during a trek through an unknown jungle, made contact with a primitive tribe, and swapped basic language and customs. The day comes for the explorer to depart and, as a parting gift, he gives a fine silver mirror to the chief of the tribe. The chief takes the mirror in awe, and as the explorer explains it’s basic function, starts to gaze lovingly at the back of the mirror, admiring the patterning. This goes on for a little while, until the explorer at last says
‘You are supposed to look at the other side!’
The chief turns the mirror around briefly, flips it back and grunts ’Bah, picture of savage on back’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ck8xs/a_parting_gift/
%
3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."
While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "
The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "
The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"
He replied:"under the overpass of course! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ck89t/3_boys_are_bragging_about_their_grandfathers/
%
The Brothel Parrot.

A woman wanted to buy a pet, since her daughter was in college and her husband was the whole day at work, leaving her with no company at home. At the pet store she told the worker that she loves birds and was interested into buying one.
After showing the woman many different kinds of birds, she noticed a beautiful big green parrot on the corner.
\-	"I am sorry but that parrot is not for sale" – said the pet store worker.
\-	"Why not?" – asked the woman.
\-	"He used to live in a brothel and he has learned many 'bad words' and I would not recommend it as a house pet" – answered the worker.
The woman talked to worker until he finally agreed to sell her the parrot. Claiming that she had no trouble with his “vocabulary” and that it would be funny when he got any visits.
At home, she got everything ready for her new pet. As soon as the parrot got into the cage, he said:
\-	“New house, new pimp”.
The woman laughed about it, knowing the origins of the parrot.
On that day her daughter came by to visit her. The parrot saw her and said:
\-	“New house, new pimp, new whore”.
Shocked about that, the daughter asked the mother about the parrot. She explained her daughter that the parrot came from a brothel. They both shared a laugh and kept talking about the parrot.
Later, the husband came home. The daughter and the wife were excited to see what the parrot was going to say. As soon as the parrot saw the husband, he said:
\-	“New House, new pimp, new whore but the same customers. Hello John”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ck7xd/the_brothel_parrot/
%
A man gets a phone call at work

Hello Mr Walkins, there’s been a terrible accident and your wife is in the hospital.
Oh my God the hospital?! What is it?
It’s a large building full of doctors, but that’s not important right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cjysd/a_man_gets_a_phone_call_at_work/
%
I finally got to live out my dreams of joining a reggae band with my triangle.

I just stand at the back and ting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cjwd9/i_finally_got_to_live_out_my_dreams_of_joining_a/
%
I surprised my friend with a brand new car, it really took his breath away

He never saw it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cjw53/i_surprised_my_friend_with_a_brand_new_car_it/
%
A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?
The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the woman saying, "I'm  sorry ma'am, but I can't throw that far."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cjvww/a_tourist_in_london_was_throwing_bread_to_some/
%
When I found out sperm banks were taking deposits through the mail...

I came in a jiffy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cjtf1/when_i_found_out_sperm_banks_were_taking_deposits/
%
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cjnti/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_guys_sitting_on/
%
What’s the most popular board game in Canada?

Sorry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cjihw/whats_the_most_popular_board_game_in_canada/
%
A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.

"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says.
"That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man.
"That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cjhz9/a_skeptic_goes_in_to_see_a_fortune_teller/
%
Why do elephants have four feet?

Because four inches wouldn’t do them much good, now would it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cjdqn/why_do_elephants_have_four_feet/
%
At an Irish wedding

The MC told all the married men to stand with the person that helped them the most through tough times.
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cj49w/at_an_irish_wedding/
%
There's an amazing bar in New York...

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.
Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”
Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”
Bill: “No, but my sister has.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cj39n/theres_an_amazing_bar_in_new_york/
%
If a woman has butt implants...

is her buttcrack silicone valley?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cj0pn/if_a_woman_has_butt_implants/
%
Please, whatever you do, just don't vaccinate your kids. Seriously!

Let the doctors do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cizsj/please_whatever_you_do_just_dont_vaccinate_your/
%
Why did Russia nuke USA?

Because Trump spelled "nudes" wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9civmd/why_did_russia_nuke_usa/
%
An alien walks into a human brain shop

Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.
Alien: I'll take a look.
Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.
Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?
Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cit4b/an_alien_walks_into_a_human_brain_shop/
%
Officer, my wife left yesterday saying she was going to buy rice and did not come back. What do I do?

- Spaghetti, maybe(?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cimr2/officer_my_wife_left_yesterday_saying_she_was/
%
Why shouldn't you share your food with a statistician?

Because they always want a large sample

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ciksr/why_shouldnt_you_share_your_food_with_a/
%
Puns about communism aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cijdu/puns_about_communism_arent_funny/
%
An old man gets on a bus and walks to the back to find an open seat.

He sits in the back row and across from him is a punk rocker with green hair, and red and yellow feather earring. The old man keeps staring at the young punk.
The punk looks straight at the old man and says "What's the matter pops ain't you ever done anything crazy in your life?!"
The old man replies "Yeah one time I fucked a parrot and I was just wondering if you were my son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ciit5/an_old_man_gets_on_a_bus_and_walks_to_the_back_to/
%
I asked a Flat Earther to tell me what the volume of the Earth was but he couldn't give me a good answer.

There was a significant rounding error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cifta/i_asked_a_flat_earther_to_tell_me_what_the_volume/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship wheel on his crotch.

The bartender asks: “Hey, what’s with the wheel?”
The pirate answers: “Yaaargh! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cieka/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_ship_wheel_on/
%
Why did the farmer receive an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cidee/why_did_the_farmer_receive_an_award/
%
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ci9b6/what_kind_of_shoes_do_ninjas_wear/
%
How did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating BEFORE it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ci71f/how_did_the_hipster_drown/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the stakes are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ci2xs/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My cousins zodiac sign was cancer, kind of ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9chypf/my_cousins_zodiac_sign_was_cancer_kind_of_ironic/
%
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said “You know you wanna”. Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.
Use contraceptives kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9chyl6/jack_and_jill_went_up_the_hill_to_smoke_some/
%
What did the helium atom say to the other helium atom

He-He

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9chw4x/what_did_the_helium_atom_say_to_the_other_helium/
%
I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room.

He said "thanks". I said "don't mention it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9chsd5/i_gave_my_friend_an_elephant_to_put_in_his_room/
%
Don't try using analogies to argue with others.

It's like trying to teach a pigeon chess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9chgia/dont_try_using_analogies_to_argue_with_others/
%
(Me, trying to impress my crush) You're like my will to live

I wish both were with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9chd8h/me_trying_to_impress_my_crush_youre_like_my_will/
%
There is a new Mexican cheese on the market called potassium sulfur monoxide...

Or just K-SO, for short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9chb43/there_is_a_new_mexican_cheese_on_the_market/
%
The animator had a birthday party.

Everyone brought gifs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ch86o/the_animator_had_a_birthday_party/
%
Girl, you're a 10?

On the pH scale, maybe, cuz you basic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ch6e3/girl_youre_a_10/
%
Designated driver?

Yesterday I went out with a few friends. We got into a bar and had a few drinks.
I was over my limit and we call it a night after a few shots.
Surely it wasn't a good idea.
Knowing that I was completely drunk, I've done something that I never done before: I went home by Taxi.
On my way, there was a police operation, but since it was a Taxi they've not asked to stop.
I came home safe and sound, no incidents, no worries at all.
However, I've never drove a taxi before, and still don't know where the fuck I got this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ch22n/designated_driver/
%
Yesterday I was at the local sauna but some weird guy kept looking at me..

Maybe he liked my camera

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cgy67/yesterday_i_was_at_the_local_sauna_but_some_weird/
%
To combat drug addiction, Christians are now rebranding herion as "Jesus"

One should never take the Lord's name in vein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cgxfo/to_combat_drug_addiction_christians_are_now/
%
A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cgugy/a_wife_comes_home_late_one_night/
%
Why are there so many rivers in France?

Water flows the path of least resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cgtpz/why_are_there_so_many_rivers_in_france/
%
Did you hear about the blind guy that fell into the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cglw1/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_guy_that_fell_into/
%
Why do people with foot fetishes never like to win?

They like the taste of defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cgiff/why_do_people_with_foot_fetishes_never_like_to_win/
%
Meanwhile at the ATM

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing?
He was just checking his balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cgdy6/meanwhile_at_the_atm/
%
A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to do. The young man asked "Has anything happened around here that's made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute, then struck his knee and exclaimed "You betcha! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found the sheep! Then we each took turns fuckin' the sheep before takin' it home."
"I can't print that!" the young man shouted. "Can you think of anything that's happened around here that's made a lot of people happy?"
The farmer thought for a moment, smacked his knee and said "A-yup! One time my neighbor's daughter, a real good lookin' gal, got lost! Well we rounded up the posse again and found her! Then we all took turns fuckin' her before takin' her home."
The young man sighed. "Well, I can't use that either! Let's try something else. Can you think of a time when you were really sad?"
The farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed. After a few seconds, he looked up timidly and said,. "I got lost once..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cg06o/a_farm_boy_graduated_from_college_with_a_degree/
%
This idiot beside me was texting and driving on the expressway

How irresponsible and dangerous. I was so mad I put my window down and threw my beer at him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cfsp1/this_idiot_beside_me_was_texting_and_driving_on/
%
I went to my local watch shop

and said, “I'd like to buy a watch please.”
“Analogue?”
“No thanks, I'll just take the watch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cfsd4/i_went_to_my_local_watch_shop/
%
I met my future wife in a dark room

Everything just developed from there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cfrpo/i_met_my_future_wife_in_a_dark_room/
%
What did the egg say when put in boiling water?

“Sorry, it might take a while for me to get hard since I got laid this morning.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cfrgq/what_did_the_egg_say_when_put_in_boiling_water/
%
I rang up my local pub the other day.

I said, “Is this the local pub?”
They said, “It depends where you're calling from.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cfrgg/i_rang_up_my_local_pub_the_other_day/
%
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cfq12/today_my_son_threw_a_quarter_in_the_well_at_the/
%
Why did the koala lose his job?

He wasn’t koalafied enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cfpdq/why_did_the_koala_lose_his_job/
%
My dog called Minton ate a shuttlecock today

Bad Minton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cfk4x/my_dog_called_minton_ate_a_shuttlecock_today/
%
So a sandwich walks into a bar

He sits down and asks the bartender for a beer, the bartender says “Sorry we don’t serve food here”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cfhe4/so_a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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why is a prisoners favorite punctuation point a period

Cause it marks the end of a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cfh4d/why_is_a_prisoners_favorite_punctuation_point_a/
%
Two guys are playing chess.

After a very long time, one of them says:
"I am waiting for your move."
The other guy replies, angrily: "Why didn't you tell me this two hours ago?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cfdsj/two_guys_are_playing_chess/
%
What goes down but doesnt go up?

A yo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cfazn/what_goes_down_but_doesnt_go_up/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cfa26/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
MORE IS LESS

Q. What five-letter word becomes shorter if you add two letters to it?
A. “Short” (add +”er”)!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cf7ie/more_is_less/
%
How come you never see stoners jog?

It's hard on their joints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cf6yt/how_come_you_never_see_stoners_jog/
%
What banks are the most sexist?

Sperm banks cause they only accept deposits from men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cf4rq/what_banks_are_the_most_sexist/
%
The other day i saw two blind guys fighting

I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!
They run away from each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cf4rt/the_other_day_i_saw_two_blind_guys_fighting/
%
Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.
When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to Kevin's car and cut up its leather seats.
When he turned around, Kevin had a slight grin on his face, so the driver said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a bat out of his truck and breaks every window in Kevin's car. When he turns and looks at Kevin, he has a smile on his face.
Driver is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all its tires.
Now Kevin is laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on Kevin's car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and Kevin is laughing so hard he is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked.
Kevin replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cf324/kevin_had_just_gotten_a_new_car_and_was_out_for_a/
%
Have you heard the joke about your neighbor?

Actually, nevermind. That might be a little too close to home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cf1tl/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_your_neighbor/
%
Mujibar was trying to get a job.

The HR Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar: "I am ready."
Manager: "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Manager, I am ready."
Manager: "Go ahead."
Mujibar: "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems in India. No doubt you have spoken to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cezv5/mujibar_was_trying_to_get_a_job/
%
How I escaped Iraq

Q: How did you escaped Iraq?
A: Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cey2m/how_i_escaped_iraq/
%
Where are average things manufactured?

At the satisfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cevg1/where_are_average_things_manufactured/
%
Why don't you ever see a crow roadkill

Because there is always another one in the tree yelling, "CAWR CAWR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cesbm/why_dont_you_ever_see_a_crow_roadkill/
%
What are the two problems with the French flag?

The red bit and the blue bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ceoan/what_are_the_two_problems_with_the_french_flag/
%
What's a terrible thing to say, when you miss someone's wedding?

"Sorry, I'll try to be there next time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ceo5l/whats_a_terrible_thing_to_say_when_you_miss/
%
I just found out about this underground science ring

It's called the Large Hadron Collider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cei2f/i_just_found_out_about_this_underground_science/
%
Sex is like a chess game

1. The more you practice the better you play.
2. You need to watch your partner's every move.
3. The first game was with grandpa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ceair/sex_is_like_a_chess_game/
%
Poetry contest

At a poetry contest where the contestants are given one word they must create a poem from, there was competition between a well regarded poet and a redneck. The word given to them was “Timbuktu” and the poet was to go first.
Almost immediately the poet starts speaking..
“Slowly across the desert sands, treks a lonely caravan, men on camels, two by two, their destination, Timbuktu.”
No one thought the redneck could even compete but nonetheless he immediately stands and says,
“Me and Tim a huntin’ went, met three whores in a pop up tent, they was three and we was two so I buck one and Tim buck two”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ce7cu/poetry_contest/
%
All three of my uncles used to grow weed together

It was a joint effort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cds4c/all_three_of_my_uncles_used_to_grow_weed_together/
%
How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cdrcr/how_many_french_soldiers_does_it_take_to_defend/
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It’s ok to occasionally tell white lies. Don’t ever tell black lies though.

Because Black lies matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cdlh2/its_ok_to_occasionally_tell_white_lies_dont_ever/
%
It's muggy outside

But inside, it's burglary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cdkx0/its_muggy_outside/
%
My wife said "Birthday sex is a pain in the ass"

I said "That's an option"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cdiw1/my_wife_said_birthday_sex_is_a_pain_in_the_ass/
%
After only a week of dating my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesn't like my comparisons...

I feel worst than a turkey sandwich on a yacht.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cdfy8/after_only_a_week_of_dating_my_girlfriend_broke/
%
An American Indian and his Son are Hunting

"Buffalo come" the father says. "How you do know?" asks the son.
The father points towards his lobe and says "Stick to ear".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cde9i/an_american_indian_and_his_son_are_hunting/
%
A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
​
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me fell good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
​
When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
​
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"
​
The little boy replied, "Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend"
​

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cd7ud/a_5yearsold_was_visiting_his_grandmother/
%
I have an L shaped couch...

lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cd6t2/i_have_an_l_shaped_couch/
%
A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to the hospital.

The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife.
He said, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress. If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a very short time."
The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"
The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-free environment in your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderful meals for him every day. Also, you must be sure that you don't nag him or stress him in any way."
On the drive home from the hospital, her husband asked, "So what's wrong with me, honey?"
The woman paused for a moment and then replied, "Sorry, honey, but you're going to die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cd3os/a_man_suddenly_started_feeling_horrible_and_was/
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What do you call a chicken that’s good at math?

A mathmachicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cd2xy/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_thats_good_at_math/
%
What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot! you racist fucks...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cd0e0/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_flying_a_plane/
%
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ccz01/three_friends_are_in_a_hotel_room_in_soviet_russia/
%
My fiance gave me an ultimatum yesterday...

It was either her or Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ccyu1/my_fiance_gave_me_an_ultimatum_yesterday/
%
Last night I dated a blind woman

At one point she ran her hands over my cheeks and mistook my acne for braille.  Boy, was my face read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ccuwx/last_night_i_dated_a_blind_woman/
%
My grandfather went down in History

He also fingered a girl in Geography

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ccuw9/my_grandfather_went_down_in_history/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world

those that understand binary, and those that don’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ccoyv/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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I saw Sean Connery build a bookshelf once. He built it wrong and it was kinda crooked. I called him out on it and he told me...

"I'm ashamed of my shelf.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cckt4/i_saw_sean_connery_build_a_bookshelf_once_he/
%
What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs?

A Halalligator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ccdig/what_do_you_call_a_crocodile_that_will_only_eat/
%
Why did the Mexican take a xanax?

Because of Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cc1vl/why_did_the_mexican_take_a_xanax/
%
I'm always afraid of people seeing me naked for the first time

I'm worried they might run out of the park.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbymj/im_always_afraid_of_people_seeing_me_naked_for/
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If vampires are hurt by holy water, why don’t priests just bless a storm cloud to kill vampires everywhere? But then I remembered why so many vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbyi2/if_vampires_are_hurt_by_holy_water_why_dont/
%
What is Jesus's favourite way to exercise?

Cross fit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbwdx/what_is_jesuss_favourite_way_to_exercise/
%
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.
"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.
"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping
and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
"So does the Budweiser and it's half the price," retorts the husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbu4z/a_husband_and_wife_were_grocery_shopping_when_the/
%
I have a friend who says he hasn't been to the toilet in months

But I think he's just full of shit.
(just thought of this on the pooper)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbqwd/i_have_a_friend_who_says_he_hasnt_been_to_the/
%
How do Welsh people name their towns?

Caerphilly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbqae/how_do_welsh_people_name_their_towns/
%
A pig with a wooden leg and his owner walk into a bar.

His owner orders a beer and begins bragging to the bartender about his pig. "See that scar on his head? He got that rescuing me from a fire," says the guy. "And see that he's only got one eye? He lost the other one saving 17 people from dying in a bus crash." "So what heroic act was he doing when he lost his hind leg?" the bartender asks. "Dang it man," the guy says. "With a pig this good, you don't eat it all at once!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbond/a_pig_with_a_wooden_leg_and_his_owner_walk_into_a/
%
I used to be addicted to soap,

But now I am clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbo4c/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
A produce farmer walks into a bar carrying a box of some of his freshly harvested vegetables and orders a beer.

"Keep an eye on that farmer," the bartender tells a waitress. "You won't want to miss it when he starts dancing. He's incredible." "How will I know when he's going to dance?" the waitress asks, watching the farmer just sitting on the bar stool, nursing his beer. "Just keep an eye on him," the bartender advises. "You'll know it's coming when he stands up and drops a beet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbnz9/a_produce_farmer_walks_into_a_bar_carrying_a_box/
%
I just saw a so called “funny” t-shirt which on the front says, “I’m not gay”, and on the back says, “But my boyfriend is.”

So I asked my girlfriend to please not wear it anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbnch/i_just_saw_a_so_called_funny_tshirt_which_on_the/
%
Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbmb4/few_people_know_that_james_bond_once_had_a/
%
This morning i went to a premature ejaculators support group

Turns out it’s tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbhms/this_morning_i_went_to_a_premature_ejaculators/
%
An elderly woman visits the doctor for, ahem, a little problem.

"You see, doctor..." and she leans in to whisper conspiratorially... "I have flatulence. But you wouldn't know it because it makes no sound and it has no odor. In fact, I'm flatulent right now. Right as we speak, I swear. To be honest I'm not sure I should even bother to do anything about it, it's such a little thing, but it's there anything you can do?"
The doctor leans back pensively for a moment then writes a script and says, "take this every day when your flatulence begins and come back next week."
The next week the woman rushes into the doctor's office distraught.
"Doctor, I've taken these pills as you ordered and the most horrible thing has happened. I'm still just as flatulent as ever, and the gas is just as silent as it has always been, but now it smells foul. It's like I sat on a dead skunk. It's like a tire fire. My own gas makes my eyes water and I can almosr feel it on my skin."
"I see," the doctor says. "Looks like we've restored your sense of smell. Now let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbhk6/an_elderly_woman_visits_the_doctor_for_ahem_a/
%
I’ve finally Got over my fear of ghosts!

Therapist: ‘That’s the spirit!’
Me: ‘Oh fuck where?!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbhgj/ive_finally_got_over_my_fear_of_ghosts/
%
Death awaits

4 friends are hanging out at an abandon hospital. Their names are Eric, David, Stacy, and Mohammad. Eric is an outgoing guy who will often spend his weekends stunt driving. David just got out of basic training, Stacy is a professional swimmer, and Mohammad makes coffins for a living, and in his free time. They walk in to the main entrance of the abandon hospital, and they are a bit tipsy, and decide they want to play with a ouija board. They all put their hands on the board. Stacy doesn’t want to do it, out Eric convinces her to play. They all talk amongst themselves and decide to ask if their are any spirits amongst them. Their hands move across the board. They land on “Yes”. Before any of them can say anything, a cloaked man appears behind Eric. “I am death.” Says the cloaked figure. “For your punishment for trying to summon a spirit from the afterworld, I must take you all.” Before Death kills them, Eric yells “IM SORRY BRO” “I’m not your bro” “Just give us some time!” Stacy bursts out. “Usually I don’t do this, but since I have a tinder date tonight, I’ll give you 2 to 70 days to live. You will all die on different days. Eric will die in a car. David will die from something small and metallic. Stacy will loose her breath, and Mohammad will suffocate.” Says death. He disappears.
2 days later:
All of the friends are paranoid, not knowing when they will die. Stacy calls everyone to make sure they are okay. While she is on the phone with Eric, he suggests they all meet up at her house. They all agree.
Stacy waits outside for them. Mohammad pulls up and exits his car.
David pull up in his car.
Eric comes riding a bike, because he is to frightened to drive.
Everyone approaches the front of Stacie’s house.
“Did everyone do everything we discussed?” Asked Stacy
“I got rid of all of my guns in case I shoot myself” David says while twirling his car keys.
“I will never drive again” Eric whines.
“I’ll try to stay in open areas” Mohammad says.
“And I’ll never go swimming again” Stacy says.
“Hold up I gotta get something from my car.” Says David.
As he is walking over to his car, he trips on a rock and falls. As he falls, he pierces his stomach with his car keys.
“SOMETHING SMALL AND METALLIC!” Shouts Eric.
“I- I have i first aid kid in my trunk.” David says in a weak voice.
“I’LL GET IT!” Says Eric.
Eric runs over to his car and opens the trunk. He crawls into the trunk.He sees the first aid kit and reaches for it. As he is reaching for it, the trunk closes behind him and cuts off both of his legs. “HOLY SHIT!!” Stacy and Mohammad scream simultaneously. A fly flies into Stacie’s mouth and she starts choking. Mohammad ran to his car, screaming. He drives away. Leaving the rest of his friends to die.
Mohammad gets to his house where he makes coffins. He runs in, locks the door and lays in front of the door. Coffins lay all around him.
Suddenly, one of the coffins starts moving. Frightened by this, Mohammad screams and runs into his living room. The coffin grows feet and starts to walk over to him. He realizes there is only one solution. He looks through the cabinets in the kitchen. He finds a bottle of medicine labeled “NyQuil” As the coffin approaches him, he holds up the bottle. He knows it will stop the coffin.
Because only NyQuil stops the coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbh4u/death_awaits/
%
I poured her a drink and I said "Say when"

She said "After this drink".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbet7/i_poured_her_a_drink_and_i_said_say_when/
%
Mid-wife for sale,

can deliver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbely/midwife_for_sale/
%
My friend told me he has a gambling addiction...

,,bet you can't quit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cbch3/my_friend_told_me_he_has_a_gambling_addiction/
%
The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day

He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cba92/the_pastor_jumped_at_the_chance_to_meet_ariana/
%
I told my nan a joke today.

It wasn’t funny,
but she still pissed herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cb84l/i_told_my_nan_a_joke_today/
%
If you are with a prostitute and she falls asleep...

...but you then have sex with her.... is it rape or shoplifting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cb63h/if_you_are_with_a_prostitute_and_she_falls_asleep/
%
What do you call a group of transgender female superheroes?

The Ex-Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cb2yy/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_transgender_female/
%
I got fired for naming my invention the Direct Interface for Long-Distance Observation.

The boss accused my team of pulling it out of an unauthorised Acronym Synthesis Service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cayt4/i_got_fired_for_naming_my_invention_the_direct/
%
What do you call an Australian guy who is a vegan?

Vegemate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cawle/what_do_you_call_an_australian_guy_who_is_a_vegan/
%
A husband and wife love to golf together

but were not satisfied with their game. So they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees him swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!".
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast". The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson.
The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard".
"What can I do?" asks the wife
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis". The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you are supposed to!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9calip/a_husband_and_wife_love_to_golf_together/
%
When I was younger I used to sneak out of home to go parties.

Now I sneak out of parties to go home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9caiw9/when_i_was_younger_i_used_to_sneak_out_of_home_to/
%
A young man is taking a driving test

The instructor describes a situation: "You're driving along and suddenly there are two people in front of you. A bit to the left there's an old hag and a bit to the right there's a beautiful young woman. Your car can't make it between them. What do you do?"
The young man says: "Well I'll go for the old hag."
The instructor shakes his head and says: "Really? You won't hit the brakes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cah3l/a_young_man_is_taking_a_driving_test/
%
What does a Chinese man say when he makes money?

Cha-Qing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9cae4i/what_does_a_chinese_man_say_when_he_makes_money/
%
Two hunters were walking through the forest...

all of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9caawa/two_hunters_were_walking_through_the_forest/
%
What Do Mermaids Wash Their Clothes With?

Tide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ca8mj/what_do_mermaids_wash_their_clothes_with/
%
What’s the opposite of rose tinted glasses?

Scepticals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ca7fh/whats_the_opposite_of_rose_tinted_glasses/
%
What Africa Really needs

If only Africa had more mosquito nets
Then every year we could save millions
Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids
\- Jimmy Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ca683/what_africa_really_needs/
%
The armless bell-ringer

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of
Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that
a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he
would conduct the interviews personally and went up into
the belfry to begin the screening process. After
observing several applicants demonstrate their skills,
he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man
approached him and announced that he was there to apply
for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing
a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened
in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a
suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing
forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and
plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death
in the street below.  The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around
the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had
heard only moments before.  As they silently parted to
let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, do you know who this man is?"
"I'm not sure", the Bishop replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c9zxf/the_armless_bellringer/
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Why is a skeleton a bad liar?

You can see right through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c9yd5/why_is_a_skeleton_a_bad_liar/
%
What does a wife and a hand grenade have in common?

Remove the ring and your house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c9qsu/what_does_a_wife_and_a_hand_grenade_have_in_common/
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Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c9q6g/why_is_ea_the_worst_gaming_company_in_america/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c9po3/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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A group of scientists conducted an interesting experiment on frogs.

They wanted to see how cutting off the legs of frogs would affect them.
In one of the experiments, a scientist told the frog to jump. It didn't.
The scientists concluded that cutting off the legs of frogs would make them deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c9obo/a_group_of_scientists_conducted_an_interesting/
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I need help finding a joke a homeless guy told me.

Hello reddit, (I hope the mods don’t mind)
Today I saw a guy  holding up a sign that said “will work for food” so I stop at a gas station and I bought a cheese burger, a bottle of pop and cookie. then I drove back to where he was and I gave him the food, he was really happy and grateful and he wanted to tell me a joke, the joke  went something like” a man borrowed 10 dollars from an ostrich , and when he came back to pay he was short a quarter ( I think ) so the ostrich got a measuring tape and measure him or more like (some word that rhyme with ostrich)” any way I didn’t hear the joke really well because we were standing by the highway and I didn’t want to sound rude and tell him to repeat the joke. And while I was driving back home I realized that the guy wanted to give me something in return but he had nothing except for that joke to give, that’s all what he had only that joke and I didn’t even catch it all, I felt so bad and here I am asking if anyone knows this joke, please help thank you all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c9l5e/i_need_help_finding_a_joke_a_homeless_guy_told_me/
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How many Japanese pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c9fps/how_many_japanese_pilots_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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The bashful bride and Groom

The bashful bride and groom were delighted to be finally alone in their honeymoon suite. Blushing, the bride asked her new husband, “Johnny, now that we’re married, could you tell me what a penis is?”
Pleases to discover his wife was a virgin, he took out his penis and showed it to her
“Oh,” she said, “it’s just like a dick, only smaller.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c9el7/the_bashful_bride_and_groom/
%
What do Asian Pirates do?

They fry planes !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c9dmx/what_do_asian_pirates_do/
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A Keen Indian Immigrant Applied for a Salesman's Job

A keen Indian immigrant applied for a salesman's job at London's premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes sir, I was a salesman in India", replied the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow, and I'll come and see you."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it.
And finally 6:00 P.M. came around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"Sir, just ONE sale." said the young salesman.
"Only one sale?" blurted the boss, "No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale!"
"By the way, how much was the sale worth?"
"It is 93,300,534.00 pounds" said the young man.
"What? How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well", said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast"
"So I told him he'd be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines."
"Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer."
"I then asked him where he'll be staying, and since he had not decided, I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents."
Then the guy said, "While we're at it, I should throw in about £100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!"
"No" answered the salesman,
"He came in to buy a headache relief tablet and I said to him, "Sir, fishing is the best remedy for headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c9bad/a_keen_indian_immigrant_applied_for_a_salesmans/
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A man walks into the bar and takes a stool next to a duck on the bar...

Man: what's with the duck?
Bartender: oh he's magic
M: what?
B: magic... So you whisper your greatest desire in his ear and immediately he grants it
M: no way
B: try it!
The man leans into the ducks ear and whispers something and *poof* a small man in a suit with tails and a white bow tie appears on the bar.
M: well it must be broken because I didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c9asp/a_man_walks_into_the_bar_and_takes_a_stool_next/
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Inmate escapes prison

Johnny had been in prison for only a year into his life long sentence with no hope for parole that he had decided that he would not be dying in prison. Using outside connections and some small favors he was able to get a small spoon and a local map of the surrounding area to the prison. After ten years of carefully digging his tunnel without getting caught, he had finally dug all the way to just under a warehouse a few blocks away from the prison. Breaking through the surface he and being blinded by sunlight. After his eyes had adjusted he stuck his head out of the hole to survey the area. He noticed that his calculations were off and he had dug all the way through a sandbox in a playground next to a little girl who was playing in it. Without a care in the world he proceeded to jump out of the hole and hoisting the little girl up into the air he shouted "I'm free, I'm free, I'm free!!!" After setting the girl on the ground she told him "that's nothing I'm four."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c94ea/inmate_escapes_prison/
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HR Department

"I proposed to my girl friend last night, who just got promoted to a HR position earlier in the day."
"That is cool! What did she say?"
She said, "We will get back to you soon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c8zhj/hr_department/
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I slept 11 hours last night..

I dreamed I was a muffler
I’m exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c8t4p/i_slept_11_hours_last_night/
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Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?

The Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c8svm/why_did_the_dairy_queen_get_pregnant/
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The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c8mph/the_us_military_today_confirmed_that_two/
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If attacked by a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c8k4q/if_attacked_by_a_group_of_clowns/
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I committed a crime while costumed like a Ginger to distract the cops

It was a real Red Hairing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c8ghs/i_committed_a_crime_while_costumed_like_a_ginger/
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I cried when my dad chopped Onions.

Onions was a great dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c8fsh/i_cried_when_my_dad_chopped_onions/
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Which bird is the most contented?

The crow. He never complains without caws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c8d1h/which_bird_is_the_most_contented/
%
Why did the condom fly across the room?

Cuz it was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c8c59/why_did_the_condom_fly_across_the_room/
%
Why are there no vampires in africa?

Because they blessed the rains down in africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c86nr/why_are_there_no_vampires_in_africa/
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Husband Gets A Shock When His Wife Tells Him This On Her Birthday. This Is Gold

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed.
watching his wife. who was looking at herself in
the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he
asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
I'd like to be eight again'. she replied. still looking
in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday. he arose early.
made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops. and
then took her to Adventure World theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park;
the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme
park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt
upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's
where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,
and her favorite candy. M&M’s. What a fabulous
adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked. 'Well Dear. what was it like being
eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression
suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size. you idiot!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening. he is going to get it wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c86nk/husband_gets_a_shock_when_his_wife_tells_him_this/
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What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c8358/whats_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
%
The only thing flat earthers fear

Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c82u0/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
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What’s the best time on the clock?

6:30, hands down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c80u0/whats_the_best_time_on_the_clock/
%
Just like his father, Kim Jong Un takes a binocular wherever he goes.

For proper gander purposes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7z6g/just_like_his_father_kim_jong_un_takes_a/
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Catching rabbits

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
How do you catch a common rabbit?
Comm-on, tame way, unique up on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7w1i/catching_rabbits/
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My wife asked me "will you still love me when I get old and fat?"

I told her "What? You mean you're going to get even worse?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7qkp/my_wife_asked_me_will_you_still_love_me_when_i/
%
My friend got hired at a dildo factory

He got fired the very next day for sitting on the job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7qjy/my_friend_got_hired_at_a_dildo_factory/
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What do you call a transvestite monk?

Friar Tucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7nde/what_do_you_call_a_transvestite_monk/
%
What size coffee do Bishops order at Starbucks?

Grande

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7n7f/what_size_coffee_do_bishops_order_at_starbucks/
%
Perfect Bio for any Chirstian Dating Site

I love Jesus and long walks on the water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7lys/perfect_bio_for_any_chirstian_dating_site/
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Did you hear the one about the woman on death row?

They asked her what she wanted for her final meal and she responded, "I dunno. Whatever you want is fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7l6e/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_woman_on_death_row/
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You listen to an audio book that is 8 hours of silence.

At the very end, the narrator says “Oh, aloud?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7kak/you_listen_to_an_audio_book_that_is_8_hours_of/
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A horse named Boris.

Once upon a time, there was a horse named Boris.
Boris used to be a famous race horse. He'd won countless trophies, and was famous across the world.
Then, suddenly, at the peak of his career, Boris was involved in a horrible accident. Between races his private jet was hijacked and crashed, and only Boris survived. However, Boris was devastated. His friends, his family, and his colleagues had all been lost on one fell swoop.
"I'll never race again!" he vowed.
So Boris quit his job, and found an old farmer who agreed to take him in. Old Farmer John was his name, and he loved Boris like a son.
However, the incident in Boris' past had led him to a life of recluse. He was fearful that everything would go wrong again, and so he spent every day in the barn.
And Old Farmer John took pity on Boris, and so he decided something.
Every week, Old Farmer John would go onto the town to sell his produce. And every week, he would set aside a small amount of money for Boris.
And every week, he would buy Boris a present, in the hope that one day, he'd be reminded of the wonderful life outside the barn, and he'd be happy again.
One thing he bought Boris was a CD player.
Another was a brand new computer..
But the best thing he ever gave to Boris was this:
Ten gallons of beer.
Let me explain.
On his many trips to town, Old Farmer John would pass a pub. It was called The Fine Race Horse, and among those who drank there, it was famed for having the best beer... In the world.
But it was only a small pub, and as such it wasn't visited by very many people, and it one day went out of business.
And when Old Farmer John heard this, he immediately got up and went into town, and spoke to the old owner. And John agreed to buy all his remaining beer.
And so, John came back from town one day, and gave Boris the beer. He'd never seen Boris so happy. It made his heart rejoice.
And for months, Boris would talk about this beer, and how it was the best gift he'd ever been given.
But one day, Old Farmer John came home with a brand new guitar. And Boris remembered the CD player he'd been given, and he remembered his favourite songs.
And Boris picked up the guitar, and he began to play a song.
And he was __good__.
And after hearing his song, John went over to Boris and said
"that was the best thing I've ever heard. You should go out into town and see the record company about starting a band!"
At first, Boris was hesitant. But eventually, he decided that Old Farmer John was right. He'd been his barn for so long. But now it was time for him to rise to fame again!
So he packed a few things, and grabbed his guitar and got on the next bus into town.
And on the way, he met a pig.
The pig's name was David, and David could play the drums.
And just like Boris, David the pig was on his way into town trying to make his name as a musician.
So Boris said
"hey, why don't we team up and make a band, after all, we're both animals with a talent. We could be the next big thing!"
And David agreed, and the two of them continued on into town.
At the next stop, a Hen got onto the bus. And her name was Sophie, and Sophie liked to sing.
She knew all the words to all the songs in the world.
And so, Boris the Horse and David the Pig went over to Sophie the Hen and said
"hey, why don't we team up and make a band, after all, we're all animals with a talent. We could be the next big thing!"
And Sophie agreed, and the three of them went to the record store, and started their band.
And they were an instant hit. They became a worldwide phenomenon almost overnight. They scored TV deals and sponsorships, and once again Boris had reached the life of fame.
They toured with all sorts of other famous bands, appearing alongside the likes of The Rolling Stones and Electric Light Orchestra.
And then, one day, they got the biggest deal of their lives.
They got invited to go on a world tour. They would play their music in every country on earth. By the time they were done, the whole world would know their name.
And so, of they went, from one country to the next, playing their music every step of the way.
They played in every city and in every town. And the Horse, the Hen and the Pig became a household name.
And when they got back home, they knew, they had reached the peak of their careers.
And they kept touring, playing in many countries across the globe.
But one day, everything changed.
One day, before they were set to fly out for their next performance, Boris received a phone call from the hospital in his home town.
And he found out that Old Farmer John had passed away.
So he decided to head back home so could Bury the man he treated like a father. So he said to Sophie and David
"you go on ahead, I'll be with you in a day or two."
So the pig and the hen went of in their private jet, and Boris the Horse went home to Bury Old Farmer John.
But when he got home, he was in for a shock.
He received a call from his agent, and discovered that the private jet that David and Sophie were on had exploded in a freak accident, and there were no survivors.
And Boris was struck with grief.
For the second time in his life, he had lost everyone he loved.
And he became depressed, and stumbled into his old barn, and decided to take his own life.
But then he saw something that stopped him.
Because in the old barn, was the huge tank that once contained the 10 gallons of beer.
And so, Boris decided that instead of suicide, he would have a few drinks, and would go on and turn his life around.
So Boris goes into town, and sees the pub, The Fine Race Horse, and underneath the sign on the door, he sees another sign, saying "grand re-opening."
And Boris knows that this is where he will have his beers, and forget all his sorrows, and turn his life around.
And so Boris the Horse enters the bar. And the bartender takes a look at him, and he asks
"why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7h87/a_horse_named_boris/
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Trump is introducing a ban on shredded cheese imports

He wants to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7guh/trump_is_introducing_a_ban_on_shredded_cheese/
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It's no joke getting older...

First your memory gets worse.
Then your hearing gets worse.
Then your eyesight gets worse.
Then your memory gets worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7djw/its_no_joke_getting_older/
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If you could have Bill Gates' wealth or cure all the suffering in Africa...

What colour Ferrari would you get?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7d0f/if_you_could_have_bill_gates_wealth_or_cure_all/
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Why did the chiropractor go bankrupt?

He owed too much in back taxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7cz2/why_did_the_chiropractor_go_bankrupt/
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2man Team

Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7b40/2man_team/
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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds.

This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec.
I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c787p/a_sperm_cell_contains_about_375_mb_of_information/
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I Was Chased By a Serial Killer

He backed me into a corner. “There’s nothing you can do! You’re about to die!”
“You sound just like my doctor!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c787g/i_was_chased_by_a_serial_killer/
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Day 213 without having sex

im really glad my uncle died 7 months ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c77z4/day_213_without_having_sex/
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For all of his faults, Hitler was noteworthy as a dedicated artist.

In fact, the last thing he did before he died was paint the wall of his bunker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c75qx/for_all_of_his_faults_hitler_was_noteworthy_as_a/
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Cunning

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c74nf/cunning/
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They say that nothing is better than love.

But even a single slice of bread is better than nothing.
Therefore, a slice of bread is better than love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c7427/they_say_that_nothing_is_better_than_love/
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A priest buys a holy horse.

There was once a priest who lived out in the countryside. Early one morning he heard a knock at his door and when he answered he was greeted by a salesman in a suit stood next to a tall white horse.
"Good morning" said the salesman "I'm selling this horse, would you be interested?"
The priest had not ridden a horse for many years and asked "Why would I need a horse?"
"Oh, this isn't just any horse." replied the salesman "This is a holy horse. You see, this horse has been blessed by god with unmatched speed and is well trained. Simply say 'Bless you' and the horse will start moving faster the more times you say it, but in order to stop you say 'Amen'."
​The priest used to enjoy riding so he decided to at least try it out on a nearby field, he and the salesman walked over and the priest mounted the horse and said "Bless you" and sure enough the horse began to walk forwards, again the priest said "Bless you" and the horse began to trot, once more the priest said "Bless you" and the horse began to canter. Finally the priest said "Bless you, Bless you, Bless you" and the horse shot off around the field faster than the priest had ever seen a horse gallop before. The priest shouted "Amen" and the horse screeched to a halt next to the salesman.
The priest felt exhilarated and bought the horse immediately, after all, it's not every day you get offered a holy horse.
The next day the priest goes for a ride on the horse begins by saying "Bless you" and took the horse back to the field. The priest wanted to know just how fast his new horse could go. He starts off fast, "Bless you, Bless you, Bless you, Bless you, Bless you" he says and the horse ran faster with every shout, ecstatic he shouts again  "Bless you, Bless you, Bless you, Bless you, Bless you" and again with each shout the horse ran faster this time running so fast it could barely turn in the wide, open field and before the priest know it the horse leaped over the fence right before running into it, the priest pressed on and shouted once more "Bless you, Bless you, Bless you, Bless you, Bless you" and the horse ran so fast it was skipping over fields in a couple of seconds each, the priest had never felt so alive riding so quickly.
However, the priest had just noticed something coming up on the horizon, a steep cliff face that plunged straight into the ocean. He had to stop and soon. However, in all the excitement he had forgotten the word to stop the horse. He racked his brain for an answer and in his panic tried everything he could think of, "umm... woah! er... God bless! oh... In Jesus name?! Please stop, horse!" but the horse kept running straight towards the cliff. The priest knew he wouldn't remember in time resigned himself to this fate, deciding to say the lord's prayer one last time before it was over, his fastest recitation ever:
"OURFATHERWHOARTINHEAVENHALLOWEDBETHYNAMETHYKINGDOMCOMETHYWILLBEDONEONEARTHASITISINHEAVENGIVEUSTHISDAYOURDAILYBREADANDFORGIVEUSOURTRESSPASSESASWEFORGIVETHOSEWHOTRESSPASSAGAINSTUSLEADUSNOTINTOTEMPTATIONBUTDELIVERUSFROMEVILFORTHINEISTHEKINGDOMTHEPOWERANDTHEGLORYFOREVERANDEVER
...
AMEN!"
And with that the horse came screeching to halt no less than one step away from certain doom, the priest couldn't believe it, "OH... Thank you god!" he cried, breathless, "Thank you so much and you horse... oh... Bless you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c717a/a_priest_buys_a_holy_horse/
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My wife insulted me saying I suck at finishing stories.

That’s when I hit her with the sickest burn / comeback of all time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c70xl/my_wife_insulted_me_saying_i_suck_at_finishing/
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A capacitor hit my head.

uf!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c709o/a_capacitor_hit_my_head/
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Trash bags are something you buy to throw away.

They seem waste-full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c6xqv/trash_bags_are_something_you_buy_to_throw_away/
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“Give it to me!” She yelled. “I’m so fucking wet give it to me now!!”

She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.
FYI found this on my phone from ages ago but wanted to post it cause I thought it was hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c6wtn/give_it_to_me_she_yelled_im_so_fucking_wet_give/
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The kids next door challenged me to a waterfight

Just scrolling through Reddit as I wait for the kettle to boil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c6v8r/the_kids_next_door_challenged_me_to_a_waterfight/
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C, E, and G walk into a bar, just as E took a half step down the entrance

The bartender shouted, "NO MINORS ALLOWED!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c6rie/c_e_and_g_walk_into_a_bar_just_as_e_took_a_half/
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I've been getting my dick sucked A LOT this Summer...

I should really put some pants on and do something about all these fuckin' mosquitoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c6n5t/ive_been_getting_my_dick_sucked_a_lot_this_summer/
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I'm gonna be Sayori for halloween!

Look, I've even got the rope and footstool ready!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c6miu/im_gonna_be_sayori_for_halloween/
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I really hate having insomnia, still, on the plus side...

Only one more sleep until christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c6ajh/i_really_hate_having_insomnia_still_on_the_plus/
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What is Beethoven doing in his grave?

Decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c640r/what_is_beethoven_doing_in_his_grave/
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Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?

Cause he was too far out, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c624f/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
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You know that feeling when you want to eat something that’s right in front of you, but you can’t?

Yea, that’s why I quit being a gynaecologist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c6064/you_know_that_feeling_when_you_want_to_eat/
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What's a Queen's favorite drink?

Royal-tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c5y2d/whats_a_queens_favorite_drink/
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I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c5xu6/i_went_to_lunch_with_a_champion_chess_player/
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And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c5wmg/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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A man brings his gorilla to a bar

And the bartender says to him, "Hey man, you need to get that gorilla out of here. We don't serve animals."
The man replies, saying "No, this isn't your average gorilla. Watch."
The bartender goes "Ehh.. well.. okay. But make it quick."
So the man orders two beers, and gives one to the gorilla.
Then, out of nowhere, slaps the gorilla and the gorilla goes ape shit, pulls the man's pants down, and starts sucking his dick.
The bartender says "Holy shit dude, that's a pretty cool gorilla."
The man then says "Yeah, right? Wanna try?"
And the bartender says "Yeah just don't slap me as hard as you slapped that gorilla."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c5p9e/a_man_brings_his_gorilla_to_a_bar/
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A man walks into a BAR

and dies instantly from the bayonet strapped to the end of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c5n1n/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I have a Polish friend that is a roadie in a band.

I have a Czech one too. I have a Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c5lla/i_have_a_polish_friend_that_is_a_roadie_in_a_band/
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I didn't quite get my girlfriend's complaints about my passion for Grease songs...

So I asked her to tell me more, tell me more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c5lbo/i_didnt_quite_get_my_girlfriends_complaints_about/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

You can call it anything you want, it's not coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c5dk5/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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What do you call a dog working as a door salesman?

A labour-a-door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c596h/what_do_you_call_a_dog_working_as_a_door_salesman/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one series forever?

Church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c58x4/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
"I'd like to be eight again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Puffs, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you &@*#% retard!!!!"
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c57zu/a_man_was_sitting_on_the_edge_of_the_bed/
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My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c56t0/my_wife_told_me_if_anything_happens_to_me_i_want/
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Why did the pastor go to KFC?

To grab some breast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c565w/why_did_the_pastor_go_to_kfc/
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Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c4z41/why_does_the_norwegian_navy_put_barcodes_on_the/
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One fine day, a billionaire was walking his dog.

Suddenly a man ran out from the bushes in front of him and shot the poor dog three times. The billionaire screamed at the killer, "Why did you do that?". The killer answered, "Your wife gave me $50,000 and said to "Go kill that son-of-a-bitch"".
The billionaire hugged the killer & said .................. !!
"I don't know who your English teacher was, but I am forever grateful to that person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c4vnk/one_fine_day_a_billionaire_was_walking_his_dog/
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When the first gay president dies...

They'll put his face on the three dollar bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c4u3y/when_the_first_gay_president_dies/
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What starts with an F, end with a K, and has U and C in the middle

Wait no it doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c4sv4/what_starts_with_an_f_end_with_a_k_and_has_u_and/
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A child asked his father: "Dad, What is a man?"

Dad: "A man is someone who loves you unconditionally , cares about you and protects you!"
Child: "Oh okay! When i grow up, I want to be a man just like mom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c4s5l/a_child_asked_his_father_dad_what_is_a_man/
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When my wife was in her 20s, she was so beautiful I swore she was a siren

Now she just sounds like one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c4njs/when_my_wife_was_in_her_20s_she_was_so_beautiful/
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What did the dad say when he couldn't find any ice in the fridge?

Noice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c4mbl/what_did_the_dad_say_when_he_couldnt_find_any_ice/
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Did you know that your nose can't be 12 inches or longer?

Otherwise it would be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c4m1e/did_you_know_that_your_nose_cant_be_12_inches_or/
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Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c4lr4/some_species_of_frog_can_jump_higher_than_a/
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My Chinese friend really hates shoes that have to be tied

He's such a lacist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c4hzw/my_chinese_friend_really_hates_shoes_that_have_to/
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People who lie about their age disgust me.

And as a 300-year-old, I've seen so many of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c4gr4/people_who_lie_about_their_age_disgust_me/
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What did Bigfoot say when Sasquatch asked if he was ready to leave?

Not Yeti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c4ea5/what_did_bigfoot_say_when_sasquatch_asked_if_he/
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Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.I knew she was into some hanky-panky
and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail
by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.  At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst..."I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up,  I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”
I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest….

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c4d2c/saint_peter_is_seeing_all_of_the_new_arrivals/
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How do you clear out a Japanese bingo parlor?

B-29

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c4coi/how_do_you_clear_out_a_japanese_bingo_parlor/
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Bought a deodrant stick today...

It said 'remove top and push up bottom'
I can hardly walk but my farts smell lovely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c48bk/bought_a_deodrant_stick_today/
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What does an 80 year old have between her breasts that a 20 year old doesnt?

Her bellybutton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c45so/what_does_an_80_year_old_have_between_her_breasts/
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Scrolling through r/Jokes is always nice.

Reading each new post is like seeing a familiar friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c42qq/scrolling_through_rjokes_is_always_nice/
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What does the F in Communism stand for

Food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c3xk8/what_does_the_f_in_communism_stand_for/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike all the time

It got so bad we had to take the bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c3wcv/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_all_the_time/
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I bought a chicken and an egg off of Amazon today...

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c3oy0/i_bought_a_chicken_and_an_egg_off_of_amazon_today/
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What's the difference Bear Grylls and Budweiser fans?

Bear Grylls has to drink piss to survive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c3n87/whats_the_difference_bear_grylls_and_budweiser/
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What is Forrest Gump's password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c3lfl/what_is_forrest_gumps_password/
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School dances this year are going to be like Fortnite lobbies...

Lots of stupid dance moves and unnecessary shooting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c3itn/school_dances_this_year_are_going_to_be_like/
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It's okay if a vampire drinks his homies' blood.

But only if he says "No Hemo" after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c3i5m/its_okay_if_a_vampire_drinks_his_homies_blood/
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A bear is chasing a rabbit around a dead hollow tree.

They are causing lots of commotion. Eventually a forest spirit rises from the tree.
“You two have woken me from my slumber. If you promise to go away I will grant you both three wishes”
The bear and rabbit instantly agree.
The spirit asks the bear for his first wish.
“I wish all of the bears in this forest, except for me, were female,” he said with a sly smile.
POOF! All of the bears in the forest were female.
The spirit asked the rabbit for his first wish.
“I wish for a bushel of carrots.”
POOF! A bushel of carrots appears.
For his second wish the bear said, “I wish all the bears in the surrounding forests were female.”
POOF! All the bears in the surrounding forests were female.
For his second wish the rabbit said “I wish for another bushel of carrots.”
POOF! Another bushel of carrots appears.
The spirit said “Bear, what is your third and final wish?”
The bear grinned and said, “I wish all of the bears in the whole world except for me were female.”
POOF! All of the bears were female.
The spirit turned to the rabbit. “What is your final wish?”
The rabbit contemplated for a second and replied, “I wish that bear was gay.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c3i25/a_bear_is_chasing_a_rabbit_around_a_dead_hollow/
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What did the one tampon say to the other tampon

Nothing.. they were both stuck up cunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c3fgi/what_did_the_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes."
**Edit: Used a suggested punch line instead.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c3evb/a_beautiful_voluptuous_woman_goes_to_a/
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What did Jesus say to the rednecks?

Don’t do anything till I get back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c3e8d/what_did_jesus_say_to_the_rednecks/
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Why do they put barcodes in every Swedish battleship?

So they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c3dy3/why_do_they_put_barcodes_in_every_swedish/
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I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person..

I didnt tell him though, we both just stood there like a couple of idiots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c37lg/i_gave_up_my_seat_on_the_bus_to_a_blind_person/
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Why was C afraid of all the other letters of the alphabet?

Because all the other letters were not-C's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c33an/why_was_c_afraid_of_all_the_other_letters_of_the/
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My girlfriend is fed up with my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," She replied.
"No it doesn't," I corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c3390/my_girlfriend_is_fed_up_with_my_constant_wordplay/
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a pretty obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c2z8c/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Why doesn't Mrs. Clean get pregnant?

Because Mr. Clean comes in a bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c2wsy/why_doesnt_mrs_clean_get_pregnant/
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Have you seen the hype about these cordroy pillow cases...

They're making headlines everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c2sdc/have_you_seen_the_hype_about_these_cordroy_pillow/
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If BS stands for bullshit, what's OC in r/Jokes?

That's also bullshit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c2rvv/if_bs_stands_for_bullshit_whats_oc_in_rjokes/
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A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

The concerned father-to-be asked, "Doctor, what's going on?"
The doctor said, "Don't worry, those are just contractions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c2qkm/a_woman_in_labor_suddenly_shouted_shouldnt/
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RIP boiling water

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c2pt6/rip_boiling_water/
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A Bit of French Church Humor (Found on my FB timeline)

Poster found in a Church in France... (translated):
"When you enter this church it may be possible that you hear "the call of God". However, it is unlikely that He will call you on your mobile. Thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter, choose a quiet place and talk to Him. If you want to see Him, send Him a text while driving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c2jn8/a_bit_of_french_church_humor_found_on_my_fb/
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Why are you late?

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c2jmu/why_are_you_late/
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What's Hitler's favorite video game?

Mein Kraft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c2j0f/whats_hitlers_favorite_video_game/
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A man is in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. (NSFW)

"Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly. "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully. "Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c2erw/a_man_is_in_hospital_bed_wearing_oxygen_mask_over/
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My grief counselor died this morning.

He was so good at his job, I didn't give a damn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c2edk/my_grief_counselor_died_this_morning/
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The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve faster-than-light particles here."

A tachyon walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c2cwl/the_bartender_says_im_sorry_but_we_dont_serve/
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A man joins an order of Monks.

A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c2b08/a_man_joins_an_order_of_monks/
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The couple next door have just made a sex tape...

...obviously, they don’t know that yet.
- Gary Delaney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c29gn/the_couple_next_door_have_just_made_a_sex_tape/
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Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked.

For free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c281i/anytime_i_hear_a_mean_joke_about_canadians_i/
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What do you call a bunch of white guys on a bench?

The NBA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c26q9/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_guys_on_a_bench/
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Have I told you about the time I met the woman with the biggest pussy in the world? NSFW Long

So I’m in this bar minding my own business when a ‘lady of the night’ approaches me and gives me an offer I can’t refuse.
So next thing ya know we’re in the bathroom and she says:
‘I have to warn you, I have a pretty big sausage wallet.”
“Uhhm okay” I reply, wondering what I’ve got myself into.
“Well cmon dive in”
So I tried three fingers off the bat but my whole hand slipped in,
I was equal parts astonished and grossed out.
“You in yet” she cackles.
Next thing you know I’m in up to my waist, I try to pull out my phone as a light but dropped it. (SHIT)
While leaning in to try and catch it, I fall all the way in.
It’s pitch black, I can’t feel the walls, scared shitless, I bump into something in the dark and it...... he shouts:
“Holy fuck am I glad to see you!”
“What the hell man, how the fuck...... never mind, help me find my phone and we can use it to find our way outta here”
“Fuck that” he says “help me find my keys and we’ll drive he fuck outta here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c23st/have_i_told_you_about_the_time_i_met_the_woman/
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(NSFW) "At one point," boasted the ageing rock star, "I was having affairs simultaneously with Ms Estefan, Ms Gaynor and Ms Steinem!"

"Sounds like a good time!" replied the interviewer.
"Good? It was fucking Glorias!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c1xzo/nsfw_at_one_point_boasted_the_ageing_rock_star_i/
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A man, a model and a foot tall mini-me walk into a bar

The man approaches the bar, pulls out a gigantic roll of $50s and tells the bartender to line up the entire bar with shots.
As soon as the last shot is poured, the small man hops off the bigger guy’s shoulder and kicks all of the drinks over, spilling them. The man apologizes and pulls out the knot of $50s again (which hasn’t gotten any smaller) and asks the bartender to line them up again.
Sure as the day, when the last drop is poured, the little guy hops down and kicks all the drinks over. The man is embarrassed and pulls out the same sized roll as before. The bartender is irritated but he’s getting paid, so as politely as he can, he asks “Hey buddy, what’s the deal here?”
The man replies “Well, I found this magic lamp with a genie in it. I was given 3 wishes, so I asked for a beautiful woman at my side, a roll of $50s that never runs out, and a 12” prick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c1s58/a_man_a_model_and_a_foot_tall_minime_walk_into_a/
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What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?

A widow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c1rn2/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_always_knows_where/
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Why is dark spelt with a 'k' and not a 'c'?

Because you can't 'c' in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c1qox/why_is_dark_spelt_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
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Justice is a dish best served cold

Because when you look at it again, you realize it's just ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c1ow4/justice_is_a_dish_best_served_cold/
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A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a piece of paper and says "Go to this address, and tell the optometrist I sent you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c1n22/a_stressed_referee_goes_to_a_psychologist/
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A wealthy lawyer is asked to donate to charity...

A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity that comes his way. The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet. They go to his door and he answers, "What do you want?"
One of the ladies replies, "Hello Mr. Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn't you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?"
The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, "Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?"
The lady, taken back, replies, "Well.. No... I thought..."
He interrupts her, "Did you also know my sister's husband left her and their two kids without a penny?"
Still stuttering she replies, "Um... Oh my...."
"And my brother lost his legs in the war," The lawyer continues. At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren't saying a word. Then he finishes, "If they don't get a cent, do you expect to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c1gfw/a_wealthy_lawyer_is_asked_to_donate_to_charity/
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If buzz aldrin lost a part of his butt in a space accident his nick name woulf be...

Buzz lightrear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c16wo/if_buzz_aldrin_lost_a_part_of_his_butt_in_a_space/
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A man is being pulled over for speeding...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c16l2/a_man_is_being_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison

: "This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."
Son Replied: "Don't dig the ground, I have hidden the guns there."
Police read the letter, next day the ground was dug by the police, searched for guns but nothing was found.
Son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, it's the best I could do from here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c13sk/an_old_farmer_wrote_a_letter_to_his_innocent_son/
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My head hurts…

Doctor: why does your head hurts?
Patient: a bunch of books fell on my head yesterday…
Doctor: how did that happen?
Patient: I only have my shelf to blame…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c0rzg/my_head_hurts/
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I got fired form the zoo.

Apparently the sign "Don't feed the animals" was only meant for the visitors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c0riy/i_got_fired_form_the_zoo/
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You know that urge to eat something just because it's there?

That's why I'm not a gynecologist anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c0kzt/you_know_that_urge_to_eat_something_just_because/
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

The pickpocket snatches watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c0jnw/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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Did you know that the American flag on the moon was bleached due to solar radiation?

Now it looks like the French landed there first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c0gtd/did_you_know_that_the_american_flag_on_the_moon/
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What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c0g9n/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
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-Two atoms walking down the street

Two atoms walking down the street happen to collide into one another. The first one exclaims, "Oh no! I think I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" says the second atom.
"Yes, I'm positive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c0e9v/two_atoms_walking_down_the_street/
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I found my true love on match dot com...

...which would have been nice if we were not already married for almost two years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c08ig/i_found_my_true_love_on_match_dot_com/
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Joke from Ghost Recon

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''
The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''
The general said, ''Just do it!''
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his dick. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.''
The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c03h1/joke_from_ghost_recon/
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I love spoiling the plot of The Picture of Dorian Gray

Never gets old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c00dp/i_love_spoiling_the_plot_of_the_picture_of_dorian/
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People can be such hypocrites

They always say girls hate nice guys, but I know a lot of dudes who want to fuck an asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9c002v/people_can_be_such_hypocrites/
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What do you call a psychic midget who escapes from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bzzbn/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_who_escapes/
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I used to live paycheck to paycheck, but now...

...after years of hard work and commitment, I'm living direct deposit to direct deposit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bzyyp/i_used_to_live_paycheck_to_paycheck_but_now/
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I was having an argument with my flat earthier friend ...

... He said he'd walk to the edge of the world to prove he was right. He came around eventually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bzy2n/i_was_having_an_argument_with_my_flat_earthier/
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What does a Jewish beer maker do?

He brews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bzxrd/what_does_a_jewish_beer_maker_do/
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A kid and his grandfather are sitting in the living room together

Grandma leaves to go to the grocery store "You boys behave.", she says.
Grandpa stands up once she leaves and says "Well I'm gonna grab a beer and enjoy myself now."
The grandson looks at him and asks "Hey Grandpa, can I maybe have a beer?"
Grandpa says "Well, does your dick touch your asshole?" "No. No it doesnt." The grandson says. "Then no, you cant have a beer." Replies Grandpa.
Later, Grandpa says "Well if theres one thing I want after a few beers, it's a cigarette." To which the boy asks "Hey Grandpa, do you think I could have a cigarette?"
"Well, does your dick touch your asshole?" Asks Grandpa. "No, it doesnt." Replies the boy. "Well, then you cant have a cigarette."
Later Grandma gets home from the store, "I bought stuff to make cookies" She says, "And I'm making them especially for YOU." She says, looking at the grandson.
Grandpa looks up at his wife and asks, " Well, do you think I could get a cookie?" The Grandson looks at him and says, "Well does your dick touch your asshole?"
"Well yes, yes it does as a matter of fact." Grandpa says, to which the grandson replies "Good, then go fuck yourself because these are my cookies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bzwea/a_kid_and_his_grandfather_are_sitting_in_the/
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I forgot how to wite 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numerals.

I M LI VI D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bzlox/i_forgot_how_to_wite_1_1000_51_6_and_500_in_roman/
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How do you start a rave in a sorority house?

Tape a box of Uggs to the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bzlo3/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_a_sorority_house/
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Give a man a jacket and he'll be warm for the winter.

Teach a man to jacket and he'll never leave the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bzkm1/give_a_man_a_jacket_and_hell_be_warm_for_the/
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My 4 year olds unintentional joke

Dad now don’t you make a mistake on the grill or you’ll get fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bzhr9/my_4_year_olds_unintentional_joke/
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My friend told me a joke about some noncommunicable disease..

But I didn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bzf5y/my_friend_told_me_a_joke_about_some/
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Studies show that owning a ladder is 10 times more dangerous than owning a gun.

That’s why I own 10 guns. In case some maniac trys to come at me with a ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bz4zy/studies_show_that_owning_a_ladder_is_10_times/
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Three men are captured by cannibals

Three men are lost whilst navigating the Amazon rainforest. They are eventually trapped by a tribe of cannibals, when one of them manages to barter a deal with the chief.
The chief decides that if each man can complete a set of three tasks he sets, the tribe will show them the way back to the nearest town. However failing the tasks will result in them staying for dinner time.
The first task is to go out into the rainforest and collect 10 of the same pieces of fruit. Each man sets about the task, off into a different direction.
The first returns with 10 apples, the chief says the next task is to insert each piece of fruit into his ass without any emotion displaying on his face.
He gets to 6 apples before he winces, and is killed to be eaten.
The second returns with 10 berries, again the chief sets out the same second task. The man gets to 9 berries before he bursts out laughing, again he is killed to be eaten.
In heaven, the first and second man meet, the first man asks,
“Why would you burst out laughing?! You were so close to completing the task!”
The second replies,
“I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9byzit/three_men_are_captured_by_cannibals/
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What the food critic say after eating Shrek?

"He was just meaty ogre"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9byw1t/what_the_food_critic_say_after_eating_shrek/
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Catholicism has 1.2 billion followers around the globe, second only to Islam with 1.8 billion

But that's okay because the Catholic church doesn't mind coming in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bys0u/catholicism_has_12_billion_followers_around_the/
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bykqt/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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I hate when people ask me where I'll see myself in 3 years.

I don't have good eyesight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9byjiu/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_where_ill_see_myself_in/
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What do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel?

Sparky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9byj16/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_back_legs_and/
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I have some jokes about unemployment

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9byiet/i_have_some_jokes_about_unemployment/
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How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9byear/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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How did 10 die?

He was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9by8zh/how_did_10_die/
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George Foreman really likes the name “George”. In fact, he named all his sons “George Foreman”.

&nbsp;
He even used the name when he had a little grill.
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9by756/george_foreman_really_likes_the_name_george_in/
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How do lesbians settle relationship disagreements?

Rock, paper, scissors!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9by13a/how_do_lesbians_settle_relationship_disagreements/
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Love is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably poop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bxyud/love_is_like_a_fart/
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What do you call a Vegan with diarrhea?

A smoothie maker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bxw0a/what_do_you_call_a_vegan_with_diarrhea/
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What is E.T short for?

...Well he only has little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bxuvn/what_is_et_short_for/
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Know the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bxsy5/know_the_difference_between_toilet_paper_and_toast/
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I was going to make a joke about Dave..

But everyone knows it already...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bxs4b/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_dave/
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Iron Man is a very confusing character.

I know he’s a guy but he could’ve been Fe Male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bxp4s/iron_man_is_a_very_confusing_character/
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How do you know if you’re at a gay bbq

All the wieners taste like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bxoeh/how_do_you_know_if_youre_at_a_gay_bbq/
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Why did the Pet Store owner call the dentist ?

Because his canine's were loose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bxi8b/why_did_the_pet_store_owner_call_the_dentist/
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What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne waits untill a boy's 12 before it comes on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bxhod/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_catholic/
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Why are millennial girls so odd?

Cause they can’t even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bxfdq/why_are_millennial_girls_so_odd/
%
Trump and Macron are discussing leadership and decision making...

Donald Trump asks Emmanuel Macron how he's able to make such great decisions all the time.
Macron says "I make sure to communicate with intelligent people and ask their advice."
Trump: "Well how do you know they're smart?"
Macron: "I ask them riddles.  Observe."
He calls up Justin Trudeau.  "Bonjour, Justin.  If your parents have a child and it's not your brother or your sister, who is it?"
Trudeau: "It's me, of course."
Macron: "You see?"
Trump is really impressed and goes home to the White House.  He calls up Jared Kushner and says "Hey Jared, if your parents have a kid, and it's not your brother or your sister, who is it?"
Jared: "Mr. President, let me get back to you on that."
He opens an investigation, spends millions of dollars of taxpayer money to no avail.  A week passes and he happens to mention this to Jeff Sessions during a briefing, who rolls his eyes.  "It's me of course."
Jared calls the president immediately.  "Mr. President, I have your answer.  It's Jeff Sessions."
Trump: "Haw haw, no, you idiot, it's Justin Trudeau!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bxf61/trump_and_macron_are_discussing_leadership_and/
%
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom...

..., so she  said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so,  he used his hand.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have on your hand?"
The boy said, "A leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
So the little boy said, "A leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
Then the principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hand NOW!"
So he did and the little boy said, "Oh great, now look what you did, you scared the crap out of him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bxc04/a_little_boy_asked_his_teacher_if_he_could_go_to/
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What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

A private tutor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bxb1j/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_never_farts_in_public/
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Bad case of stutters

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the
years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to
him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".
The man asked, "Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my pro.. pro.. problem."
The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of
your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in
your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis
transplant." The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed
to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and
informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant
operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without
any stutter.
At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large
penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his
doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have
given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please
find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange
penises back."
The doctor shook his head and replied, "That's im.. im.. im.. impo..
impossible."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bx9bh/bad_case_of_stutters/
%
What are Mexicans favorite sport?

Cross-country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bx5j4/what_are_mexicans_favorite_sport/
%
I used to work with a guy called Kelvin.

He was an absolute unit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bx18f/i_used_to_work_with_a_guy_called_kelvin/
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A man goes to the doctors to get his first son circumcised...

A man goes to the doctors to get his first son circumcised. He meets with a pediatrician who says "ya know we used to use the foreskin from the circumcision to do skin transplants for kids born without eyelids... But we had to stop because they started coming out cockeyed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bx08p/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors_to_get_his_first_son/
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I was practicing my standup the other day, I'm trying to specialize in puns. So I tried out ten new jokes on the crowd, hoping that at least one of them would get a laugh, but sadly...

I kept fucking up the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bwz9d/i_was_practicing_my_standup_the_other_day_im/
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Skinny little Irish man goes into an elevator.........

looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Irish man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Irish man says: 'Turner Brown?! .... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bwr89/skinny_little_irish_man_goes_into_an_elevator/
%
I hired a landscape gardener...

But he said he couldn't help me because my garden was portrait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bwkmx/i_hired_a_landscape_gardener/
%
What do Japanese cannibals eat?

Raw-men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bwg8t/what_do_japanese_cannibals_eat/
%
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners....

But CATSCAN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bwd63/dogs_cant_operate_mri_scanners/
%
A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?
Dave: because you’re a pessimist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bwcyk/a_pessimist_sees_the_glass_half_empty_an_optimist/
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Puns about poop aren’t my favourite;

But they’re a solid #2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bwcvg/puns_about_poop_arent_my_favourite/
%
A Priest and a Rabbie fly with a class of first graders on a plane.

Suddenly something happened and the plane is falling down.
Rabbie: "We have only two parachutes! We need to jump!"
Priest: "But what about all those kids?"
Rabbie: "Fuck the kids!"
Priest looks nervously around...
"Do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bwcnn/a_priest_and_a_rabbie_fly_with_a_class_of_first/
%
I was struck by a bottle of omega 3 pills...

Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bwclv/i_was_struck_by_a_bottle_of_omega_3_pills/
%
What’s worse than losing $100?

Losing the game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bwclc/whats_worse_than_losing_100/
%
What did the Arabic neckbeard name his son?

M'hammad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bwalz/what_did_the_arabic_neckbeard_name_his_son/
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Nuns

In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time. They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter. When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven. Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't feel worried by this. The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she's ready. "Who was the first woman?" Peter asks. "That's easy!" exclaims the nun. "Eve!" Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open. The second nun, encouraged by her colleagues easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she's ready, as well. "Who was the first man?" Peter asks. "Easy! That's Adam!" says the nun, excitedly. Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open. The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" he asks. "My, that's a hard one," the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bwa0m/nuns/
%
Did you hear about the magic tractor?

.....It turned into a field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bw7hh/did_you_hear_about_the_magic_tractor/
%
My favorite Robin William’s movie is without a doubt. . .

Mrs. Fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bvy9n/my_favorite_robin_williams_movie_is_without_a/
%
"Forget everything you learned in college, you won't need it working here"

"But I never went to college."
"I'm sorry, you're under-qualified to work here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bvv5r/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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My friend is pretty sick and tired of PC culture

I tried to console him but he didn't want his hand held

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bvv3v/my_friend_is_pretty_sick_and_tired_of_pc_culture/
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What is the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

your job still sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bvt37/what_is_the_difference_between_your_job_and_a/
%
How do you know if your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bvsl0/how_do_you_know_if_your_roommate_is_gay/
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Old Redd Foxx Joke

There were these two preachers in a town who would ride their bikes to church on Sunday and would pass each other on the way. One Sunday, one of the preachers was on foot. The other preacher asked him what happened to his bicycle.
"I'm so mad!" he said. "Someone in my congregation stole my bicycle and I don't know who did it."
The first preacher said, "Well, then here's what you do. Today you need to preach a sermon on the Ten Commandments, and when you get to 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', the one who took your bicycle will feel so guilty that he'll confess and return it. The second preacher thought that was a fine idea and went along his way.
Next Sunday, both preachers were on their bicycles and they stopped to speak. The first preacher said, "Well, I see you got your bike back, Rev. Did you do what I said?"
The second preacher said, "I did indeed! I got up there and started going through the Commandments, and when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left my bicycle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bvpei/old_redd_foxx_joke/
%
I decided to stop wearing my mood ring yesterday.

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bvko0/i_decided_to_stop_wearing_my_mood_ring_yesterday/
%
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

one less person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bvipk/what_is_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding/
%
Donald Trump is out one winter day...

walking around and enjoying the snow when he sees that someone had peed 'Donald sucks' in the snow. Furious, he called his Secret Service agents and yells "I want to know who did this!!".
A few days later his lead agent comes back and says "We solved it sir, but there's bad news and worse news. The bad news is that it's Mike Pence's urine".
Donald gasps "what the hell could be worse than that?"
"It's Melania's handwriting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bvh20/donald_trump_is_out_one_winter_day/
%
What's the official song of the Anti Vaxx movement?

Down With the Sickness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bvg0l/whats_the_official_song_of_the_anti_vaxx_movement/
%
If you have two hundred chickens, you have a poultry farm.

If you have two chickens, you have a paltry farm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bvfhd/if_you_have_two_hundred_chickens_you_have_a/
%
What's an anti-vaxxers favorite game?

Marco Polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bvdzu/whats_an_antivaxxers_favorite_game/
%
My boss phoned me today. She said, "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said, "It is all under control. It's been a very busy day.  I haven't stopped to take a break all day."
"Can you do me a favor?" she asked.
I said "Of course, What is it?"
"Can you pick up the pace a little.  I'm in the foursome behind you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bvc9f/my_boss_phoned_me_today_she_said_is_everything_ok/
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My girlfriend said I was terrible at maths.

So I did a 360 and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bv8tm/my_girlfriend_said_i_was_terrible_at_maths/
%
What happened to the Naval officer who tried to buy used tampons from his female subordinates?

He was given a bloody discharge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bv5t4/what_happened_to_the_naval_officer_who_tried_to/
%
I love helping blind children

The verb not the adjective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bv4cw/i_love_helping_blind_children/
%
What does a female snake do after using the restroom?

Viper stuff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bv449/what_does_a_female_snake_do_after_using_the/
%
Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bv3l9/had_to_take_a_drug_test_at_work_today_they_said/
%
Maths

A little boy was doing maths homework, saying to himself, 2+5 the son of bitch is 7,
3+6 the son of bitch is 9
His mother heared this & asked "what are you doing?"
Boy, "doing my maths' homework".
Mom: & this is how your teacher taught u?
Boy: "Yes"
Mother called the teacher: Are you teaching maths to children by saying 2+2, the son of bitch is 4?
Teacher started laughing & answerd: "what I taught them was, 2+2 the sum of which is 4...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bv31g/maths/
%
A man brings his wife to the doctor.

So this guys wife is acting weird lately, feeling sick. He decides as a good husband he’ll take her to the doctors. He goes to the doctor with his wife and the doctor runs some tests and says come back tomorrow for the results.
The man returns the next day and asks the doctor what the results are. The doctor said “the test results came back very confusing. Your wife either has alzheimers or aids.” The man says “so what can i do?” “Well” the doctor says “here is what you do. Go home, and tell her to get in the car with you. Then drive 20 minutes away, drop her off, and go back home.” “Ok” says the man “then what should i do?” The doctor says “if she comes home, don’t fuck her”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bv1j0/a_man_brings_his_wife_to_the_doctor/
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How is a laser gun like a church?

They go “pew pew pew”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bv08r/how_is_a_laser_gun_like_a_church/
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As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport

President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from *the Queen.*
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace..
Suddenly, the right *rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.* ..The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses...
The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Trump: "Mr President, please, accept my regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that *even a Queen cannot control."*
Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responds:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... *_"Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9buzmi/as_air_force_one_arrives_at_the_heathrow_airport/
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“Who’s your daddy?”

A roleplay exercise in Alabama, a serious question in Detroit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9buzlw/whos_your_daddy/
%
I was finally able to satisfy my wife last night.

I let her choose the new kitchen design

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bux30/i_was_finally_able_to_satisfy_my_wife_last_night/
%
What language has the least number of speakers?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9burou/what_language_has_the_least_number_of_speakers/
%
Today I saw my girlfriend for the first time since she decided to become a vegan.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9buox8/today_i_saw_my_girlfriend_for_the_first_time/
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What do you call a cow with no sense of humor?

A feminist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9buo9j/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_sense_of_humor/
%
Everyone thinks Muhammad Ali was the best boxer in history, but Jim Jones had a way higher number of KO's...

900 with just one punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bunaz/everyone_thinks_muhammad_ali_was_the_best_boxer/
%
What do Japanese people do when they have an erection?

Vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bukb3/what_do_japanese_people_do_when_they_have_an/
%
A woman has lived through an abusive relationship with her husband for 10 years.

The husband has beaten her many times over the course of their marriage. Finally, she decides to get a divorce. Everything goes through as normal, and soon she's on her own again. As she is leaving the courthouse, a stranger stops her, having overheard the proceedings.
​"What do you want?" the lady asks him.​
"I heard of your problems in marriage... let me give you a little piece of advice. If you decide to remarry, do it with a player from the Cleveland Browns," the stranger says.
"Why?
"Isn't it obvious? The Cleveland Browns don't beat anybody."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bui1y/a_woman_has_lived_through_an_abusive_relationship/
%
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9buhjn/a_man_showed_up_for_a_duel_armed_only_with_a/
%
A barman charges people based on how tragic their backstory is. One day, Batman, Wolverine and Rorshach come in, expecting to be given free drinks.

“Alright,” says the barman to Batman, “what’s your backstory?”
“I saw my parents murdered right in front of me as a child.”
The barman nods, and charges Batman ten bucks, as a lot of people have a tragic backstory where their parents died.
Next up, Wolverine.
“When I was a kid, my best friend’s dad killed my father, so I killed him. Turns out he was actually my own father, and my mother committed suicide afterwards in grief.”
The barman nods and charges Wolverine five bucks.
Next up, Rorshach.
“I was born the son of an abusive whore, and lost all faith in humanity when I killed a man who fed a little girl to his dogs.”
The barman nods, and charges him one dollar.
As Batman, Wolverine and Rorshach have their drinks, a young girl walks up to the counter, carrying a book.
“And you are?” asks the barman. The girl slides the book onto the counter and points at the title. Without another word, the barman serves her three drinks completely for free.
The three heroes are stunned and confront the bartender. “Who the hell is she?!”
The barman answers, “That’s the Little Mermaid.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9buh3v/a_barman_charges_people_based_on_how_tragic_their/
%
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US

...so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9budwy/a_chinese_doctor_cant_find_a_job_in_a_hospital_in/
%
Why are priests called “father”?

Because they couldn’t be called “daddy” anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bubna/why_are_priests_called_father/
%
What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bubke/whats_the_difference_between_a_quality_microwave/
%
A guy walks into an IT place...

He asks the IT guy for help with his computer. "My browser is acting dumb. The fullscreen button in the menu is broken, so I can't fullscreen. Is there another way to do it?"
"Of course!" Says the IT guy."It's a simple matter of pressing the function key and F11." He presses the keys, but nothing happens.
"Oh, I don't use the function key. I got all the functions remapped." Says the man.
The IT guy is confused. "Why would you do that? Do you even remember what you remapped them to?"
The man says "It's okay, I've got everything under control."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bubcv/a_guy_walks_into_an_it_place/
%
I was really excited when I learned about imaginary numbers in my Algebra class.

Finally, I could plot my sex life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bubau/i_was_really_excited_when_i_learned_about/
%
A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bu7o6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bu6yl/why_do_social_justice_warriors_hate_dentists/
%
My girlfriend and I broke up over religious differences.

She thought she was God and I disagreed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bu3yd/my_girlfriend_and_i_broke_up_over_religious/
%
In Soviet Russia

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book.
The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bu289/in_soviet_russia/
%
What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9btybu/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
%
Cop writing a parking ticket

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Shirley (my wife) called him a "shit-head."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with Trump 2016 stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's so important at our age!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9btx1m/cop_writing_a_parking_ticket/
%
I read that the Icelandic alphabet doesn't have a 'Z' in it.

How do the people there sleep at night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9btqmu/i_read_that_the_icelandic_alphabet_doesnt_have_a/
%
I told my husband two puns short of a dozen.

Not one of them made him laugh, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9btn96/i_told_my_husband_two_puns_short_of_a_dozen/
%
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his widow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9btkz2/a_man_walks_out_to_the_street_and_catches_a_taxi/
%
Why didn’t the Japanese man get a high five?

Logan Paul left him hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9btjxt/why_didnt_the_japanese_man_get_a_high_five/
%
Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, dear," replied granny, "many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She then paused to wipe a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9btjoz/sunday_morning_sex/
%
Last night at the bar I ordered a drink that was served in a shoe...

... I'm pretty sure it was laced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9btik6/last_night_at_the_bar_i_ordered_a_drink_that_was/
%
I just love this Amazon echo's capability

I set it up today and said “Dingo took my baby " and got a list of Meryl Streep movies
Then I said “Hello gorgeous ” and got a list of Barbara Streisand movies
Just then my neighborhood kids were running and screaming outside the house
I muttered “Fucking kids”
And a bunch of Asia Argento  movies appeared..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9btaap/i_just_love_this_amazon_echos_capability/
%
Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.

After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bt8u5/two_guys_from_new_york_go_on_a_crosscountry_trip/
%
A man walks into a bar...

The bartender greets him and says, "for 5 bucks, I'll show you something amazing."
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.
The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall.  The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.
"Wow he's amazing. Where did you get him!?!"
He bartender replied, "there is a genie on the corner, he'll grant you one wish."
The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, "I want a million bucks!"
All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky.
The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, "what's wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!"
The bartender shakes his head and says, "He's hard of hearing.  Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bt7mf/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Her tinder bio said she’s very creative and imaginative.

So I didn’t text. She can imagine our chats. And probably a better one.
I wonder how far our relationship has gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bt7ct/her_tinder_bio_said_shes_very_creative_and/
%
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bt4h8/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
I once farted in an Apple store and everyone got angry.........

But it's not my fault they don't have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bt2cy/i_once_farted_in_an_apple_store_and_everyone_got/
%
What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage?

"Let us prey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bsxrt/what_did_the_catholic_priest_say_to_the_other/
%
Two Nuns

are cycling down a cobbled street, one says to the other
I've never come this way before." the other replies
"Neither have I, it must be the cobbles!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bsvds/two_nuns/
%
What would MLK do if he were alive today?

Scream and claw at the top of his coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bsv0r/what_would_mlk_do_if_he_were_alive_today/
%
The first time I had sex, it was in my parents’ bedroom. My girlfriend said, “Well, this is awkward!”

I said, “Just ignore them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bsrjt/the_first_time_i_had_sex_it_was_in_my_parents/
%
I asked my dad why he never makes any jokes and why he always change subject

"What are you talking about? I've made two jokes... By the way where's your brother?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bspel/i_asked_my_dad_why_he_never_makes_any_jokes_and/
%
I hate German sausages

They are the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bsojy/i_hate_german_sausages/
%
I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bsn9e/i_invited_my_girlfriend_of_3_months_to_a_party/
%
Have a turkish joke

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bslr3/have_a_turkish_joke/
%
Saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing.  He was just checking his balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bslpp/saw_a_guy_standing_on_one_leg_at_an_atm/
%
A man goes to a bar and sees a "larger" girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bslkq/a_man_goes_to_a_bar_and_sees_a_larger_girl/
%
Why can't you take a picture of a man with a walking stick?

Ans: You take a picture with a camera not a walking stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bshfg/why_cant_you_take_a_picture_of_a_man_with_a/
%
Why can't miss piggy count to 100?

She has a frog in her throat at 69

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bsbjw/why_cant_miss_piggy_count_to_100/
%
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick..

How low can you get?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bs7w9/someone_broke_into_my_house_last_night_and_stole/
%
My great Grandpa was a baker in the army.

He went in all buns glazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bs6lz/my_great_grandpa_was_a_baker_in_the_army/
%
Did you hear about the stuttering inmate?

He never finished his sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bs6bn/did_you_hear_about_the_stuttering_inmate/
%
I hate Christmas so much.

Whoever invented this should be crucified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bs66s/i_hate_christmas_so_much/
%
An engineer who was unemployed....

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." .
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." .
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." .
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bs0ya/an_engineer_who_was_unemployed/
%
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students

might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bs0jx/a_sunday_school_teacher_is_concerned_that_his/
%
You tell them you're quitting alcohol, they offer you free drinks.

You tell them you're vegan, they offer you steaks and hamburgers.
You tell them you have no sexual life and ... nobody bats an eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9brzha/you_tell_them_youre_quitting_alcohol_they_offer/
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I rolled up a newspaper to hit a black widow.

I was then removed from the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9brz84/i_rolled_up_a_newspaper_to_hit_a_black_widow/
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My doctor is concerned my hypochondria is getting worse

So he put me on stronger placebos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9brxl6/my_doctor_is_concerned_my_hypochondria_is_getting/
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Son is asking his dad for money to buy new glasses

Son: Dad my glasses broke i need new one
Dad: Get a job and buy them yourself. What do i look like, a bank?
Son: I don't know i can't f*cking see!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9brucb/son_is_asking_his_dad_for_money_to_buy_new_glasses/
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Wanna get some blood!

One night at about 2:00am, 2 bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing...'hey you wanna go and get some blood, a midnight snack?'
The other bat says...' now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 in the morning?'
So the other bat says 'if you dont want to go, fine I'll go by myself'
About 30 minutes later the first bat came back with blood dripping out of his mouth, and all over his body.
The second bat says' hey where did you get all that blood?' and the first bat says 'see that tree over there?'
'Yeah' says the second bat...
'Well I didn't', said the first bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9brtxu/wanna_get_some_blood/
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Where is the hottest part of the room

The corner
(Because it's 90 degrees)
Thanks dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9brtic/where_is_the_hottest_part_of_the_room/
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People who constantly brag about their ancestors are like potatoes

The only good thing about them is underground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9brqyy/people_who_constantly_brag_about_their_ancestors/
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I trust my fingers

I can count on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9brkby/i_trust_my_fingers/
%
Two Mexicans were playing basketball

Juan on Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9brdwd/two_mexicans_were_playing_basketball/
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Why was the new lawyer not too fond of his work outfit?

He wasn't comfortable being in a lawsuit yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9brcyy/why_was_the_new_lawyer_not_too_fond_of_his_work/
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My husband and his friends came back from Japan and showered me with gifts

That day I learnt about bukkake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9br59m/my_husband_and_his_friends_came_back_from_japan/
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Ladders are banned in Black Panther’s homeland

They’re considered unlucky to Wakanda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9br24f/ladders_are_banned_in_black_panthers_homeland/
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Don't let Humpty Dumpty tell a joke

He'll crack himself up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bqxd4/dont_let_humpty_dumpty_tell_a_joke/
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Skinny dipping involves a swimming pool.

Fat dipping involves a ranch cup and chicken nuggets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bqx8b/skinny_dipping_involves_a_swimming_pool/
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Elton John

On vacation, Elton John finds himself meandering in a Mediterranean orchard. Spying a tree, Elton decides to relive some boyhood memories and climb a tree, albeit only the first branch.
As Elton sits, his well-heeled (and sparkly) feet dangling, a local boy walks by. Waving, Elton call out, "Would you like anything?"
"Fig!" The boy yells back.
Offended, Elton crosses his arms. "What did you call me?"
"No," the boy replies, pointing, "THAT low hanging fruit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bqwyd/elton_john/
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Scooby Doo is a procrastinator.

I've never heard him say, "Scooby Dooby Done!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bqt0s/scooby_doo_is_a_procrastinator/
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I'm not a narcissist, but if I am...

It's probably your fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bqnzo/im_not_a_narcissist_but_if_i_am/
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"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss

"Just pop it in the corner" he said
3 fucking hours, it took me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bqn6r/where_do_you_want_this_big_roll_of_bubble_wrap_i/
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I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.

I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bqj25/ive_developed_an_irrational_fear_of_escalators/
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A man comes home from work with flowers in his hand.

His wife looks at him and says “Oh, you show up with flowers and I just bet you expect me to spread my legs for you?”
“Oh, no dear.” He says, “ A vase should work just fine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bqi06/a_man_comes_home_from_work_with_flowers_in_his/
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You have to love those Newfies...........

A road crew supervisor in southern Ontario hired Herb from Newfoundland, to paint the yellow line down the middle of highway 10 heading up toward Wasaga Beach. He was skeptical about hiring him since he didn't have any painting background; however, he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lorrie-Jane, told him so.
He explained to Herb, that his work day would be to complete 2 miles of centerline on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started.
After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Herb, that he did an excellent job, and said how pleased he was with his progress.
On the second day, Herb completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Herb would pick up the pace again.
On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Herb completed painting only 1 mile of road. Herb was called to the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem.
"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Herb?"
"Well," Herb replied, "I'll tell you watt is da problem dare boy, but I taught a smart man like you would figger it out fer yourself. Every day I got farder and farder away from da paint can."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bqfrh/you_have_to_love_those_newfies/
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Guy in West Virginia gets a girlfriend...

He runs to his dad and says, "I just got a new girlfriend and she's a virgin."
The dad says, "If she's not good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bqan4/guy_in_west_virginia_gets_a_girlfriend/
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What do you call a protractor that's disagreeable...?

A contractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bqac9/what_do_you_call_a_protractor_thats_disagreeable/
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After trying for a week, my wife just told me that she is pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bq9ql/after_trying_for_a_week_my_wife_just_told_me_that/
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Ok my 4 year old came up with this one, not sure he really understands how clever it is though... Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?

He wanted to eat some chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bq9ox/ok_my_4_year_old_came_up_with_this_one_not_sure/
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Management goals

Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy. Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE ( Retirement of Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for SHAFT scheme ( Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under SCREW program ( Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS ( Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES ( Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT ( Special High Intensity Training ) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
Management

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bq7d8/management_goals/
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what do you call a nazi thats a fan of spongebob

a gas flinging fasher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bq50t/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_thats_a_fan_of_spongebob/
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What do you call a limb that has been transplanted?

A hand-me-down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bpxf9/what_do_you_call_a_limb_that_has_been_transplanted/
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The synopsis for Toy Story 4 has leaked.

This time it focuses on Andy's mother's toys, also named Buzz and Woody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bpvcv/the_synopsis_for_toy_story_4_has_leaked/
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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already
want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I
approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab
tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a
3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bprht/an_israeli_soldier_who_just_enlisted_asked_the/
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I broke my finger last week

On the other hand, I'm okay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bpomv/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
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Hello, can I reserve a table for Pharaoh Hotepsekhemwy?

Could you spell by letters, please?
Yes, sure. A bird, two triangles, a wavy line, the sun, again a bird, a dog's head, a scarab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bpmwr/hello_can_i_reserve_a_table_for_pharaoh/
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I tried to stop swearing

But I cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bplab/i_tried_to_stop_swearing/
%
What does Cholo stand for?

Chou Only Live Once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bpk25/what_does_cholo_stand_for/
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What do you call a Muslim pepper?

A halal-peno.
I’m sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bpj8t/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_pepper/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bphn2/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

Barthender : Get out of here, we don't serve your type!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bph4e/helvetica_and_times_new_roman_walk_into_a_bar/
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I was working at a coffee shop, and a priest asked if I have any whole milk

I said "forgive me father, for I have skim"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bpfnr/i_was_working_at_a_coffee_shop_and_a_priest_asked/
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nerdy joke

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? He conditioned it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bpbks/nerdy_joke/
%
How can you tell if you're in a gay church?

Only half the congregation is kneeling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bp5v5/how_can_you_tell_if_youre_in_a_gay_church/
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A man in Ancient Greece tears a pair of his favorite tunics...

He brings them into the local tailor and sets them on the counter. The tailor looks at the tunics, then looks at the man, and says "Hey, Euripides?" The man looks at the tunics, then at the tailor, and says "Yeah, Eumenides?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bp5rk/a_man_in_ancient_greece_tears_a_pair_of_his/
%
What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?

Oakley Dokelys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bp5br/what_kind_of_sunglasses_does_ned_flanders_wear/
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How does a barber give the Sun a haircut?

Eclipse it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bp3eo/how_does_a_barber_give_the_sun_a_haircut/
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What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bp1m6/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
%
I went to a feminist picnic the other day.

It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bp08l/i_went_to_a_feminist_picnic_the_other_day/
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A man is driving down a road

and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bos7j/a_man_is_driving_down_a_road/
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Whats the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9boojx/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_guy_and_a/
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A herd of cattle got into a cannabis farm and began to graze...

When asked how serious the situation was, the owner responded, "the steaks have never been higher!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bokf7/a_herd_of_cattle_got_into_a_cannabis_farm_and/
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I was a complex child

My mother was real and my father was imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bocle/i_was_a_complex_child/
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I quizzed my one of my friends on what inanimate objects you can have sex with.

Turns out, he knew a fucking thing or two about fucking a thing or two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bo83o/i_quizzed_my_one_of_my_friends_on_what_inanimate/
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What is the difference between ignorance and indifference?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bo5qr/what_is_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
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I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta

Now it’s my Ford Focus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bo3u9/i_left_my_adderall_in_my_ford_fiesta/
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“Father, do you have anything to declare?”

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid  that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bo1oy/father_do_you_have_anything_to_declare/
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Here's a funny joke!

Reddit's Servers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bo1ks/heres_a_funny_joke/
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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit...

Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bneud/knowledge_is_knowing_a_tomato_is_a_fruit/
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Marriage is like a deck of cards

You start with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing you had a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bnd5a/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/
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BuzzFeed vs. Reddit war (reworked joke for the situation)

BuzzFeed and Reddit were at war.
BuzzFeed was on one side of a hill and Reddit was on the other side.
Reddit yells: I only have 1 meme over here but i bet it can beat your best 100 memes.
BuzzFeed send their best 100 memes. After some time Reddit yells back: Send your best 1000 memes our 1 meme will still beat you.
BuzzFeed sends their best 1000 memes.  After some time Reddit yells back: Send your best 10000 memes our 1 meme will still beat you.
BuzzFeed sends 10000 memes. After a couple minutes a BuzzFeed meme comes crawling over the hill and screams: Retreat!!! They lied they have 2 memes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bncgi/buzzfeed_vs_reddit_war_reworked_joke_for_the/
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(NSFW) Timmy asked his dad:

What's behind mommy's underwear?
Dad: Paradise.
Timmy: What's behind your underwear?
Dad: The key to paradise.
Timmy: Dad, I think you might need to change the lock because the mailman has a spare key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bn72j/nsfw_timmy_asked_his_dad/
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I said to the gym instructor

'Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bmzd3/i_said_to_the_gym_instructor/
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What did the Gen Z baker yell when he tossed the dough?

YEEST

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bmvuv/what_did_the_gen_z_baker_yell_when_he_tossed_the/
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For my birthday I wanted something that could go 0-200 in 5 seconds or less. My wife said she had the perfect gift idea

A bathroom scale wasn’t what I had in mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bmt4c/for_my_birthday_i_wanted_something_that_could_go/
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Google has decided to heavily push a “save the planet” program.

They’re making Al-Gore-ithms to help speed things along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bmsdm/google_has_decided_to_heavily_push_a_save_the/
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A mother and daughter are driving to the grocery store. ..

A mother and her young daughter are driving to the grocery store one day. Ahead of them is a convertible car full of women at a bachelorette party. All of a sudden a dido flies out of the convertible and lands on the windshield right in front of the daughter. Without batting an eye the mother calmly turns on the windshield wipers and flicks the sex toy off the car.
"Mommy", the daughter asks,"what was that?"
"Nothing honey", mom says.  "It was just a bug."
"Damn," says the daughter, "you see the size of the dick on that thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bmp8a/a_mother_and_daughter_are_driving_to_the_grocery/
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Atheism

It's a non-prophet organization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bmp1x/atheism/
%
I was dating a chick from the Soviet Union...

it was nice until she tried to seize my means of reproduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bmm1h/i_was_dating_a_chick_from_the_soviet_union/
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The wife was feeling kinky and tried jerking me off with her feet...

...but she was just rubbing me the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bmkuo/the_wife_was_feeling_kinky_and_tried_jerking_me/
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A lady walks into a perfumery and asks for the perfumer for his finest fragrance.

"Doobie woobie blue bop", says the perfumer.
Confused she looks around and notices that all of the bottles on the shelves are empty. "Do you keep them in the back?" she asks
"Flim flam flibidy blam", says the perfumer.
The lady sniffs the air, then looks at him strangely and asks, "come to think of it, I can't smell a single thing in here, do you even make perfume?"
"Scooby doo wop, bing bong flam", says the perfumer.
Confused, she leaves the store and on her way out bumps into another customer. She stops him and says, "Don't bother, he doesn't make any scents".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bmj6m/a_lady_walks_into_a_perfumery_and_asks_for_the/
%
When God integrated Planet Earth, he thankfully recalled his Calculus lesson.

He remembered to add the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bmhnk/when_god_integrated_planet_earth_he_thankfully/
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[NSFW] As a teenager, I liked sneaking into girls rooms and rummaging through their drawers to see what I could find.

Usually it was their vagina

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bmh92/nsfw_as_a_teenager_i_liked_sneaking_into_girls/
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I told my son it's perfectly normal to masturbate in middle of the day

I just wish the little bastard would knock before entering my room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bmenv/i_told_my_son_its_perfectly_normal_to_masturbate/
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My doctor wrote me a prescription for Dailysex

but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bm8kz/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
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"Where's your lieutenant?"

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.
“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”
“I was told there was.”
“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”
“I’m pretty sure there is.”
The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”
“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”
“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”
“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bm88i/wheres_your_lieutenant/
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Just Been Watching The Ladies Beach Volley Ball And There Has Already Been A Bad Wrist Injury,

I Should Be Okay By The Morning Though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bm6zh/just_been_watching_the_ladies_beach_volley_ball/
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Just Saw A Sign That Made Me Piss Myself

Toilets Closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9blvx1/just_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_piss_myself/
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My ex broke up with me for stealing her wheelchair

I’m not too bothered though, I’m sure she’ll come crawling back any day now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9blut9/my_ex_broke_up_with_me_for_stealing_her_wheelchair/
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If you shrunk the solar system down so that the sun was at the top of your head and the orbit of Pluto was at your feet,

Uranus would be right about where you'd expect it to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9blt1s/if_you_shrunk_the_solar_system_down_so_that_the/
%
Never in his life has Hitler said sorry

He didn't speak English

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9blrtt/never_in_his_life_has_hitler_said_sorry/
%
An angry man walks into his bedroom, carrying a sheep

His wife doesn't seem pleased. The man yells out angrily "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache"!
The wife replies "that's no pig, thats a sheep".
The man says "I was talking to the sheep"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9blq3n/an_angry_man_walks_into_his_bedroom_carrying_a/
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What's the medical term for a chill pill?

A relaxative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9blnfn/whats_the_medical_term_for_a_chill_pill/
%
Franks Death

One day Frank a 80yr old marine veteran working construction with his super strong body gets a call while lifting cinder blocks.
Frank “Hello whose this?”
His neighbor “hey Frank it’s your neighbor and I have bad news for ya, your wife is having an affair I can see it all from my 2nd floor of my house. Sorry Frank.”
Frank hangs up the phone and drops the blocks he was carrying. Frank takes his car and drives home, smashes the door open runs in the living room and he sees his wife screaming butt naked while covering herself up. Frank notices a window open and peers through to see a man running half naked with his pants being pulled up his leg. So Frank grabs the biggest object he can find, a fridge, and tosses that thing out the window and instantly kills the half naked man but in the process Frank being so old that he is, he gets a heart attack and dies.
So Franks soul gets put outside the pearly gates. He takes a number and he sits down. His number is 67. Now he sits there waiting for Saint Peter to call his number. All of a sudden.
Saint Peter “66”
Frank looks and sees it’s the man who was having sex with his wife.
Number 66 “hi how are ya? Am I dead?”
Saint Peter “I’m afraid so, can you please explain the circumstances leading to your death”
Number 66 “sure I woke up late for work and maaan, my boss told me if I show up late again he will fire my ass so I took whatever clothes I can take and flew out my house when, you not gonna believe this... a FRIDGE outta no where came flying and bopped me. It must of squashed me and now I’m dead.”
Saint Peter “very irresponsible of you to wake up so late but for the most part I see you been a good person. You did do some bad deeds but nothing I can’t forgive. Come on in to heaven”
Frank shakes his head and waits.
Saint Peter “67”
Frank / 67 “Hey Peter let me explain to you, before you say anything that man you just let pass is scum, he was having an affair with my wife and out of pure love I lost it and tossed a fridge at him. I know it’s my fault but I did it out of love and passion and the anger got to me.”
Saint Peter “Frankie my boy Frankie, you had a very great record up to the point you murdered that man but because it was a moment of passion and done because your love for your wife I believe I can forgive you and let you into heaven.
Frank /67 “thank you good sir”
Saint Peter “number 68”
A man walks up.
Saint Peter “yea so circumstances leading to your death?”
68 “you not gonna believe this but I was just sitting in a fridge minding my own business when...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bllr9/franks_death/
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Cemeteries are like popular nightclubs.

Everyone's dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bllby/cemeteries_are_like_popular_nightclubs/
%
What does the winner of the Boston Marathon lose?

His breath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bll65/what_does_the_winner_of_the_boston_marathon_lose/
%
Two Irish men walk out of a bar

Well, it could happen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9blkgr/two_irish_men_walk_out_of_a_bar/
%
What's a physicist's favorite food?

Fission chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9blj46/whats_a_physicists_favorite_food/
%
A Muslim enters a building

with 500 passengers and a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9blide/a_muslim_enters_a_building/
%
I think my Gay test might be broken

So I've heard that every group of friends has a gay dude. The easiest way to tell if a guy is gay is if his dick tastes like shit. I decided to line up all my friends and sucked all their dicks, I've done this a dozen times so far and all their dicks taste fine.
I'm still trying to figure out who the gay one in my group is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9blh4m/i_think_my_gay_test_might_be_broken/
%
So this guy wants to ask this girl to the dance...

So he makes a poster and everything and asks her. She says yes. Later on, the guy goes over to the girls house to pick her up and the two drive to the dance together. They have fun laughing and joking and dancing and the guy asks if she can get her something to drink. She says yes and he goes to get some punch. He goes over to the punch bowl and finds that there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bleek/so_this_guy_wants_to_ask_this_girl_to_the_dance/
%
The wife came home early and found her husband

in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset.
_'You are a disrespectful pig!'_ she cried. _'How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, pronto!'_
The husband replied, _'Hang on just a minute love, at least let me tell you what happened.'_
_'Fine, go ahead,_' the wife sobbed, _‘but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'_
The husband began: _'Well, as I was getting into the car to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car._
_'She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days._
_'Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate them up, ravenously._
_'She was dirty. I suggested a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away._
_'I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight._
_'I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because I don't have good taste._
_'I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique, and don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair.'_
The husband took a quick breath and continued: _'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, *“Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”*_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ble39/the_wife_came_home_early_and_found_her_husband/
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An Australian is traveling to New York. The jet lag is a bit too much so he decides to sleep it off.

When he wakes in the morning he goes outside and almost gets hit by a taxi. The driver says "watch where your going pal! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies " Nah mate, I got here yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9blcjb/an_australian_is_traveling_to_new_york_the_jet/
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A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."

A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"
He responds: "Don't you know?  The best jokes are always in the comments."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bla03/a_programmer_tries_his_hand_at_standup_comedy/
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. when she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Kate told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the Ice Cream truck hadn't come along."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bl913/upon_hearing_that_her_elderly_grandfather_had/
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My Doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bl5g5/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
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I like my women the way I like my coffee

Without some other guy's dick in it. WHAT THE FUCK LAUREN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bl26f/i_like_my_women_the_way_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found him, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “ maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bkya4/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
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What does a BMW have in common with a hemorrhoid?

Eventually every asshole gets one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bkved/what_does_a_bmw_have_in_common_with_a_hemorrhoid/
%
I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bksla/id_like_to_thank_my_legs_for_supporting_me/
%
What do pre-teen ducks hate?

Voice quacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bkrfb/what_do_preteen_ducks_hate/
%
Mosquitoes are like family...

They might be a pain the ass, but they carry our blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bkqe6/mosquitoes_are_like_family/
%
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich

he goes up to the bar and say "I'll have a bud." The ostrich nods and goes "I'll have a bud too." The bartender shrugs and goes "That'll be $9.78" The guy reaches into his pocket, and without looking pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to the bartender. He counts it out and it's exactly $9.78. The pair take their drinks and sit down. A few minutes later the pair comes up and orders a second round. Again the man reaches into his pocket without looking, pulls out a wad of cash, and it's exactly $9.78. After a few more minutes he comes up and goes, "You know, I think this time I'll have a local brew." The Ostrich nods and goes "Yeah, I'll have that too." The bartender goes "Okay, but that'll run you $12.88." The man reaches into his pocket without looking and pulls out a wad of cash, and it's exactly $12.88. The bartender goes "Okay, I gotta ask. Every time you go to pay, you just pull out a random wad of bills, and it's always the exact amount. How do you do it?" The man chuckles and says "Well, a few years back I was cleaning out my grandfather's attic, and I found this dusty lamp, when I rubbed it a genie came out and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that whenever I went to pay for something, I would always have exact change available for it in my pocket." The bartender nods, "Well that was smart, I mean most people would have asked for a million bucks, but you got all the money you could ever need. But what's with the ostrich?" The man sighed, "Well, my second wish was that wherever I went I'd be accompanied by a long-legged blonde chick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bkor8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_ostrich/
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I don’t know why Jews have the reputation of being so successful...

You never hear about a single one bringing home the bacon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bkof5/i_dont_know_why_jews_have_the_reputation_of_being/
%
A lawyer and the pope go to heaven...

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.
The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book.
He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also.
"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter.
They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings.
St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house.
The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.
St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack.
St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.
The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute!"
That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion.
I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?"
St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bko01/a_lawyer_and_the_pope_go_to_heaven/
%
I was walking through the graveyard....

I was walking through the graveyard this morning and I saw a guy crouching near a headstone.
"Morning" I said.
"Nope...." he replied, "Just having a shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bkks8/i_was_walking_through_the_graveyard/
%
Today I saw a letter in the kitchen from my girlfriend.

"Morning honey! I left your food on the stove. All you have to do is light the match, I started the gas when I left. Love you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bkgoe/today_i_saw_a_letter_in_the_kitchen_from_my/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bkf2o/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
I'm against lesbian couples adopting a child...

Which one is going to tell the dad jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bkbjr/im_against_lesbian_couples_adopting_a_child/
%
A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand!"
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.
The man says, "What is that for?"
The golfer replies, "I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every Dick should have two balls"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bka1b/a_golfer_hits_his_ball_into_a_yard_next_to_the/
%
Jeffrey Dahmer once sent me a dinner invitation

But the offer was a me steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bk6xj/jeffrey_dahmer_once_sent_me_a_dinner_invitation/
%
An American pilot is flying a small plane across Australia.

He crashes in the Outback and is knocked unconscious. When he comes to, he's in a hospital with a nurse standing over him. Still groggy and pretty much out of it, he asks "Did you bring me here to die?"  Nurse says "Nah, ya got here yesta die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bk36n/an_american_pilot_is_flying_a_small_plane_across/
%
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bk35r/two_vampire_bats_wake_up_in_the_middle_of_the/
%
A danish artist painted pictures of naked women with his penis.

An interested buyer visits his gallery and asks:
"how can u paint those gentle round curves with your penis"
"It wasn't too hard"
got that from the late late show with craig ferguson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bk2a7/a_danish_artist_painted_pictures_of_naked_women/
%
Boss said I can’t come to office drunk

I said “Bud wei ser”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bk124/boss_said_i_cant_come_to_office_drunk/
%
Everyone knows you synthesize vitamin D from UV rays and that's fine...

So how come whenever I say, "I love getting the D from my sun," people always freak out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bjzk4/everyone_knows_you_synthesize_vitamin_d_from_uv/
%
I was at a cafe when I had to fart. Thankfully there was loud music playing so I let it rip.

Turns out I was wearing ear buds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bjw72/i_was_at_a_cafe_when_i_had_to_fart_thankfully/
%
The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog...

He's the only one who feeds the hand that bites him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bjsib/the_most_loyal_kind_and_noble_of_all_dog_breeds/
%
This morning I entered a store...

I noticed the clerk had a missing hand and a watch on it, that kept falling.
\-Why don't you wear it on the other hand? I asked.
\-And how am I supposed to put it on, smartass?
​
I've decided to mind my own business from now on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bjkpk/this_morning_i_entered_a_store/
%
Two antennas met on a roof.

They fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bjj90/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof/
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My kindergarten-aged daughter

Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever". And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bjiom/my_kindergartenaged_daughter/
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Tow Truck

A man sees an attractive woman on the side of the road. He stops to ask if she needs any help.
The woman says, "Yes, my car has broken down and I don't know what's wrong with it."
The man says, "Don't worry; I'll get you and your car to a mechanic in town. Have you ever been towed before?"
And the woman says, "No, but I've been fingered a couple of times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bjiex/tow_truck/
%
A man goes to his doctor for an annual checkup

"Doc, I feel great, my headaches are gone, my hearing is better and I can finally stand uo straight."
"That's good to hear, here your test results say that your body has miraculously improved. For a 50 year old man like you, you have the physical abilities of a 30 year old."
"Thanks doc."
"Tell me, how did you make such a recovery."
"My wife's been giving me the silent treatment for a month"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bjgm8/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor_for_an_annual_checkup/
%
My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.
"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.
She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"
I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.
"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.
She laughed.
I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
It was fun killing the toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bjelq/my_wife_found_me_in_the_kitchen_naked_holding_a/
%
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A seat-belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bjcj9/what_gets_longer_when_pulled_fits_between_breasts/
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I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bjbik/i_dropped_my_wifes_epilepsy_medicine_in_the/
%
Bread is a lot like the sun..

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bja1f/bread_is_a_lot_like_the_sun/
%
A man is dining in a restaurant and he turns to the waiter.

"Waiter, waiter. What is this I am eating?"
The waiter says: "It's bean soup, sir."
"I don't care what it has been, I want to know what it is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bj9a1/a_man_is_dining_in_a_restaurant_and_he_turns_to/
%
My boss said to me, “you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bj976/my_boss_said_to_me_youre_the_worst_train_driver/
%
I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bj8sn/i_just_had_a_near_sex_experience/
%
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.

I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bj8gu/as_a_lumberjack_i_know_that_ive_cut_exactly_2417/
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God wrote an email....( kinda long )

So apparently god decided recently to check up on the earth and see how things were going. God summoned one of his angels. God told the angel to go down to earth and evaluate how humanity was doing. After several months the angel returns and reports that about 95% of humanity isn’t really following the idea of being a good person and only 5% are. God is surprised, so he decides to send down another angel. Several months later that angel returns and confirms what the first angel said. A little saddened by this god takes it upon himself to send words of encouragement to the 5% that were being good people in the form of an email. Do you know what the email said?
No? So I guess you didn’t get one either eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bj8at/god_wrote_an_email_kinda_long/
%
What's the secret ingredient in Nutella?

I'm nutellin' you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bj4t0/whats_the_secret_ingredient_in_nutella/
%
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen are debating philosophy.

The question arises over the course of their debates: What separates man from the animals?
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."
"I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."
All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering.
"The Channel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bj16b/a_german_an_italian_a_frenchman_and_an_englishmen/
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You know how when geese fly in a “V” one side tends to be longer? Do you know why that is?

More geese on that side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bj164/you_know_how_when_geese_fly_in_a_v_one_side_tends/
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What's brown and rhymes with "snoop"?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9biz7y/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
It was a lot easier to keep track of the days of the week back then

Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9biwyh/it_was_a_lot_easier_to_keep_track_of_the_days_of/
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I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9biwqh/i_buy_my_guns_from_a_guy_named_trex/
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A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with

atrophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bis6u/a_man_who_breaks_the_world_record_for_longest/
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10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.
One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them.
To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9biorh/10_engineering_professors_board_a_plane/
%
A man calls the Aussie helpline...

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline... what's the problem?"
"I'm in Darwin with me missus. She's been stung in the cunt, now her pussy has completely shut!"
"Bummer."
"Thanks, mate. Didn't think of that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bie6c/a_man_calls_the_aussie_helpline/
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My new neighbors are listening to Slayer all day long

They don't seem to like it much, but I'm sure they'll come around eventually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bicvy/my_new_neighbors_are_listening_to_slayer_all_day/
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If chemistry has taught me anything...

It’s that alcohol is always a solution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bib48/if_chemistry_has_taught_me_anything/
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An Australian goes to new Zealand

and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bi1r6/an_australian_goes_to_new_zealand/
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I asked my friend in North Korea what it was like living there..

He replied "I can't complain"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bi0vx/i_asked_my_friend_in_north_korea_what_it_was_like/
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I don't go on and on about how I can't roller skate

But apparently the whole world needs to know about how this weirdo in the river can't swim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bi058/i_dont_go_on_and_on_about_how_i_cant_roller_skate/
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A boy is at the zoo with his parents looking at an elephant NSFW

He looks at the elephant quizzically, turns to his mother and says "Mummy, I know that the long dangly thing at the front is his trunk, and the long dangly thing at the back is his tail, but what is that long dangly thing in between his legs?" Flustered the mother brushes off the question saying "Oh, that's nothing dear"
Not satisfied with the answer he approaches his father with the same question, his father replies "well that's his penis". The sons thinks about this for a second and says " Mummy said it was nothing" and the father replies "your mother is spoiled".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bhvzv/a_boy_is_at_the_zoo_with_his_parents_looking_at/
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I was told I would never become anything

So I became a resistor
I have zero potential

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bhszx/i_was_told_i_would_never_become_anything/
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If something doesn't work, unplug it and plug it back in, it fixes it every time.

Except for Grandma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bho4s/if_something_doesnt_work_unplug_it_and_plug_it/
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What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bhmo2/what_do_you_call_a_musician_with_no_girlfriend/
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I ran in to a midget with my shopping cart at Walmart...

Me:  "I'm really sorry.  Are you alright?"
Midget:  "I'm not happy!"
Me:  "Well, which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bhkgg/i_ran_in_to_a_midget_with_my_shopping_cart_at/
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Irish Airways

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your capt'n S Murphy  O'Sullivan  welcoming you to Irish Airlines! We apologise for the 4 day delay in takin' off, sadly this was unavoidable due to to the bad weather and happy hour at  Ó Ceallaighs' bar.
This is flight 367 to Shannon Airport, Landing at Shannon isn't guaranteed but we'll end up somewhere near I'm sure. If you're lucky we might even land near your home!
We have an excellent safety record in fact our standards are so high even hijackers don't dare fly with us!
I have great pleasure in letting you know that since the start of this year, over 50% of our passengers have reached their destinations. For the ones who didn't, our staff have maps to the nearest pubs and we had one for the roads but Kelly had a birthday last year and she wanted a hat.
Our seats are comfortable enough for you to have a nap, but not to sit on for long. If the engines are too loud, just let us know and we'll be happy to turn them off for you.
Unfortunately the in-flight movie is unavailable as Darragh forgot to record it last night, but if you look out the window you may see a pigeon.
On the off-chance you see any smoke in the cabin please don't panic - it's just the early warning system telling us theres an issue with the engines!
Now, please be seated and fasten your seat belts as we prepare for takeoff. For those who can't find a seat belt just hold on to the armrests as tight as you can, and for those who can't find a seat, a flight attendant will be happy to give you a stool.
I'm sorry but i won't be able to fly with you today as my wife has a wedding today but please make yourself at home and feel free to fly yourselves.
Thank you for choosing Irish Airways, we wish you a pleasant flight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bhjx5/irish_airways/
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The train driver

A train was taking its usual route along a countryside track when it suddenly derailed itself and sped across a field before being driven back up onto its tracks. The train was stopped at the next station and the driver was questioned about his motives.
​
He explained that he had seen a man standing in the middle of the tracks ahead, and the man as refusing to move - even after the driver sounded his horn.
​
The officer questioning him decided this man must have been mad, and told him so. He told the driver he should have just run the man over instead of risking the lives of so many passengers.
​
The driver looked the officer in the eye and without hesitating replied:
​
"That's exactly what I thought, but then the bugger decided to run into the field!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bhhmc/the_train_driver/
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What do you call a woman with no asshole?

Divorced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bhg64/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_no_asshole/
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When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body.

Then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bhay4/when_i_was_young_i_always_felt_like_a_male/
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What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bhauo/what_do_you_get_if_you_drop_a_piano_on_an_army/
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A city in Yorkshire has gone missing....

Police say they have no Leeds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bh938/a_city_in_yorkshire_has_gone_missing/
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Who ever invented the knock knock joke...

Should get the no bell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bh6c9/who_ever_invented_the_knock_knock_joke/
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A ship crashes leaving 3 survivors... one French , one Canadian , and one American

They swim to the nearest island... as soon as they get there they are confronted by armed islanders
After explaining to the islanders how they ended up there ... the islanders tell them that in order to live they each have to complete a task.
The task is simple. Each one of them must go into the forest and get 10 pieces of any fruit then bring them back to the islanders...
They all go and the first to come back is the French bringing back 10 apples... the islanders then tell him that in order to live he must shove all 10 apples up his ass without making the slightest of reactions...
And so, he proceeds with the first apple. He tries his best but eventually fails and surrenders ( insert white flag here ) and so they shoot him down.
The second to come back was the Canadian bringing just 10 grapes with him.. they ask him to do the same. Relentlessly, he keeps on shoving  grape after another up his ass but upon reaching the 9th grape he bursts out laughing.
Confused, the islanders ask him “What’s so funny?” ...
He says: “I can see the American coming back with watermelons”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bh5o1/a_ship_crashes_leaving_3_survivors_one_french_one/
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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?" The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bh1av/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/
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I think fisting should be called ...

Uppercunting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bh04g/i_think_fisting_should_be_called/
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A Jew, an African-American, and a redneck are walking along a beach....

... when they come across a lantern. They all grab it and as they are wrestling over it a genie pops out. He says, "This is unusual. Normally I give one person three wishes, but all three of you are holding my lantern. What I'll do is grant each of you one wish."
The Jewish guy steps forward and says, "I know exactly what I want. I want all my Jewish brothers and sisters to be living in Israel and at peace with their Arab neighbors."
"Done"
The genie blinks his eyes and the Jewish guy vanishes. The African-American guy steps forward, "I know what I want too. I want all my African-American brothers and sisters to be back in the motherland, prospering and enjoying all the continent had to offer."
"Done"
Poof, and he vanishes too. Then he turns to the redneck who scratches his chin and says, "Let me get this right. All dem black folks is backs in Africas and dem joos are backs in iz-real?"
"Yep"
"Shoot, just give me a Bud."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bgyo8/a_jew_an_africanamerican_and_a_redneck_are/
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Meanwhile at a catholic church...

“We pray you Saint Anne...”
The devil appears: “Oh, it’s you guys again. For Pete’s sake stop calling me if you don’t mean it and at least pronounce my name right.”
(Made this up myself, still giggling...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bgvs8/meanwhile_at_a_catholic_church/
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What do you call Albert Einstein giving a handjob?

A stroke of genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bgsd6/what_do_you_call_albert_einstein_giving_a_handjob/
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A BLIND MAN AT A NUDE BEACH

How can you always tell a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bgr5t/a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
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When women get to a certain age they begin to accumulate cats

This is known as many paws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bgqin/when_women_get_to_a_certain_age_they_begin_to/
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My friend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bgpk1/my_friend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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Why can't God create another God?

Because it's human job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bgm6b/why_cant_god_create_another_god/
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are running from a serial killer

Frightened for their lives, they run into an alleyway and try to catch their breath.
"Quick!" says the brunette. "We have to hide!"
Wasting no time, the three girls run around the alleyway to find something to hide in. The redhead finds three human-sized bags and tosses them to her friends. Hearing the killer coming around the corner, they panic, jump into the bags, and lie perfectly still.
The killer goes up to the first bag. With all his might, he kicks it.
"Meow, meow," says the brunette, wincing in pain.
The killer, thinking there are only a cat in the bag, moves onto the next one. He kicks it too, full force.
"Woof, woof," cries the redhead through gritted teeth.
The killer is annoyed that there appears to only be a dog in the bag, but looking around he realizes there is still one bag left. Creeping forward carefully, he lifts his foot and kicks it.
The blonde shrieks and cries out,
"POTATO!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bgh20/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_are_running/
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A redneck was fucking his sister

When his sister said, "Wow, you fuck just like Dad!" He responded, "That's what Mom said too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bggts/a_redneck_was_fucking_his_sister/
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Today, something disturbing is announced on the news.

"Flat Earthers claim to have members all around the globe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bgfw0/today_something_disturbing_is_announced_on_the/
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A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master...

"People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."
The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said:
"I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do not take on pupils now. Come back in a year."
The young man left. A year later, he came back and said:
"Master, I've waited for a year. Please teach me Kung Fu."
The Kung Fu Master sighed and said:
"I will teach you Kung Fu, but first, you must perfect your mind. For three years, watch the sun rise in the morning and set in the evening."
The young man left. In three years, he returned.
"Great Master, I have watched the sun rise in the morning and watched it set in the evening for three years. Please teach me Kung Fu."
"I will," said the Kung Fu Master, "but first you must learn to levitate five li above ground."
Baffled, the young man left. The Kung Fu Master was relieved, thinking he'd finally got rid of the nuisance for good. However, in five years the man returned.
"Great Master, I have practiced for every day, for five years. Now, I can levitate five li above ground," he said and levitated five li above ground.
The Kung Fu Master looked at the sight and said:
"Holy fucking shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bgfk8/a_young_man_meets_with_a_kung_fu_master/
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A boy calls 9-11.

"9-11 what is your emergency?"
The boy replied, "My parents are fighting and I'm scared.."
"Well who's your father?"
"Well that's what they're fighting about."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bgech/a_boy_calls_911/
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True love lasts forever

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bgdkq/true_love_lasts_forever/
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How to tell if your roommate is gay

His dick tastes like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bgddd/how_to_tell_if_your_roommate_is_gay/
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How is sex like math?

you add the bed
subtract the clothes
divide the legs
and hope you don’t multiply

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bgav5/how_is_sex_like_math/
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A loud drunk keeps singing in his jail cell.

A police officer yells at him to go to sleep.
"No," screeches the drunk.
Pissed off, the officer yells back, "STOP RESISTING A REST."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bg7rj/a_loud_drunk_keeps_singing_in_his_jail_cell/
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Criminal Justice is a lot like racial humor.

It’s the dark ones that get in trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bg0fc/criminal_justice_is_a_lot_like_racial_humor/
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A man walks into a small town bar and orders 3 beers...

He drinks all three and then leaves. He comes back at the same time next week and orders three more, drinks them, and leaves.
After a few weeks of this the bartender says, “Hey man, I’ve gotta ask.. you only come in once a week at the same exact time, drink exactly three beers, and then leave. What’s the deal?”
The man replies, “Well my two brothers and I all live in different states, so once a week we made a pact to go to a bar and have three beers; one for each of us”
The bartender, satisfied with the answer, says “Very cool man, we’ll see you next week for three more.”
But the next week the man only orders two beers. He does this for a few consecutive weeks until the bartender has to ask, “I hate to ask, but I noticed you’ve only been getting two beers recently. Did something happen to one of your brothers?”
The man smiles and replies, “Oh no, my brothers are fine, I just quit drinking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bfz85/a_man_walks_into_a_small_town_bar_and_orders_3/
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A♭m

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bfxj1/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_down_a/
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The physics professor in the oral exam asks the student

"What is faster, light or sound?"
"Well obviously light"
"Alright, why?"
"Well, when I turn on my TV, I first see the picture and then comes the sound"
The professor of course fails the student. The next student he asks the same question.
"What is faster, light or sound?"
"Well obviously it is sound"
"Uhhh what? Why do you think this?"
"Well when I turn on my TV, I first hear it and then comes the picture"
Extremely annoyed the professor fails this student as well. He believes that maybe the question is too hard and tries to vary it. The next student he asks
"You are on the foot of a mountain. On the summit there is a cannon beeing fired. Do you first see the light of the fire or do you first hear the sound?"
"Obviously you first see the light"
Slightly hopeful the professor says "YES and why is that?"
"Well the eyes are obviously further ahead than the ears"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bfvo1/the_physics_professor_in_the_oral_exam_asks_the/
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Where do sharks go on vacation?

Finland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bfvbt/where_do_sharks_go_on_vacation/
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The Polish couple next door to me have 3 children

I asked them why they stopped after three and they said because one out of every four children born is Chinese, and wanted to avoid all the awkward questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bfupp/the_polish_couple_next_door_to_me_have_3_children/
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A string walks into a bar..

The string takes a seat at the bar and ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies, "We don't serve to strings in this bar, you'll have to see yourself out."
The string, feeling dejected, walks out and stumbles upon two rugged strings in an alley. The shady looking thugs stop the string and extort him of his money. Struggling to resist the thugs; the string was ruffled and tied into a knot, left abandoned by the thieves.
The tattered string returns to the bar and seats himself, once again he asks for a drink. The bartender replies, "aren't you the same string that walked in a little while ago?"
The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bfqo6/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why is r/Jokes like a religion?

‘Cause you end up reading the same text over and over again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bfqer/why_is_rjokes_like_a_religion/
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What's a cows favorite Tv drama?

Graze Anatomy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bfmou/whats_a_cows_favorite_tv_drama/
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My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it.

I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bfmde/my_mom_said_to_stop_drinking_soda_because_it_has/
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me "Please to meet you, I am from East Detroit"

Other person:  "Oh my gawd, have you ever seen someone get shot"
Me:  "No I close my eyes when I pull the trigger"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bfj4f/me_please_to_meet_you_i_am_from_east_detroit/
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Drugs are not a solution!

Until you mix them with water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bfee5/drugs_are_not_a_solution/
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Bush, Obama and Trump Job Interview

“Bush, Obama and Trump go to a job interview with God…
God asks Bush: “What do you believe in?” Bush answers: “I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!” “Very well”, says God. “Come sit to my right.”
Next, God asks Obama: “What do you believe in?” Obama answers: “I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all.” “Good”, says God. “You shall sit to my left.”
Finally, God asks Trump: “What do you believe in?” Trump answers: “I believe you’re sitting in my chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bfbgm/bush_obama_and_trump_job_interview/
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An old joke from my great-grandfather.

*read this in a southern accent*
Our story today takes place back in World War 2, the sequel.
So one day, old Uncle Sam pointed to our friend, a man we'll Bubba, and said "I want you!"
So Bubba, a good man he was, said "alright." And went and joined the army.
The day comes when Bubba's finally gonna get deployed, so he gets in the back of the line to get his gun...
And he waits.
And he waits.
And. He. Waits...
Finally, Bubba gets up to the table, and the man there sighs and says "Well I'm sorry, Bubba, we just ran out of guns!" The mans looks to his left, then his right, then he leans in real close to Bubba and says "But here's whatcha do!" He makes his hand into a 'gun'. "See? Just do this with your hand, aim up, and say 'bang-ity, bang bang! Bang-ity bang bang!', okay?"
Bubba nods, and says "alright." And gets in line to get his bayonet.
And he waits.
And he waits.
And... He waits!
Gets up to the table now, and the man there shakes his head as he lights a cigarette. He says "Well I'm sorry, Bubba! We're fresh out of bayonets!" He chuckles, and leans back in his chair. "But here's whatcha do!" He makes a 'gun' from one hand, and a 'knife' from the other, and puts them together. "See? So when the enemy gets close, just point it at 'em and say "stick-ity stick stick! Stick-ity stick stick!"
Bubba nods again and says "alright." And goes to meet up with his squadron.
Out on the battlefield now, Bubba sees an enemy, a Nazi soldier, coming up on him. So, he gets out his 'gun', aims up, and says "bang-ity bang bang!" And the Nazi, well, he just falls down dead!
Another one comes, and runs up real close to Bubba, so our friend attaches his 'bayonet' and goes 'stick-ity stick stick!" As he pokes the the soldier... and he falls down dead right next to the other one.
This goes on for a good while, and Bubba racks up more kills than anyone... but, that's when things take a bit of a sour turn.
A big, and mean *BIG* old blonde man, who we'll call Hässlich, starts running up to Bubba with a twisted smile on his ugly face.
Now, Bubba's about as *big* as you'd expect a country boy named Bubba to be; but old Hässlich made him look a house cat next to a lion.
Bubba aimed his 'gun' and said "Bang-ity bang bang! Bang-ity bang bang!" But Hässlich didn't even slow down. Bubba, now white as the ghost of an albino, tried again. "Bang-ity bang bang! Bang-ity bang bang!" Still didn't phase Hässlich in the slightest.
Häs was getting closer now, so Bubba took out his 'bayonet' and went "stick-ity stick stick! Stick-ity stick stick!" Still nothing!
Bubba wouldve tried again, but Hässlich ran up and ran right *over* Bubba! Crushing, and sadly killing our friend in the process.
And has he ran off into the distance, you could here old Hässlich saying "TANK-ITY TANK TANK! TANK-ITY TANK TANK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bfami/an_old_joke_from_my_greatgrandfather/
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Just once, it would be nice to be called “Sir”

without also hearing “...we need to ask you to leave.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bfa64/just_once_it_would_be_nice_to_be_called_sir/
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Is Africa by Toto country music?

No it’s continent music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bf9ty/is_africa_by_toto_country_music/
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How does a duck get a strike?

When he hits a fowl ball.  If he gets three strikes he's probably a turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bf636/how_does_a_duck_get_a_strike/
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I turned over a brand new leaf today...

the folks at the Nissan dealership were not very happy with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bf2yf/i_turned_over_a_brand_new_leaf_today/
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A little boy gets home from school and says “Dad I’ve got a part in the school play.

I play a man who’s been married for 25 years.”
His dad replies “Nevermind son, maybe next time you’ll get a fuckin’ speaking part!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bf1xc/a_little_boy_gets_home_from_school_and_says_dad/
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I was told masturbation with a dead arm was great.

The other funeral goers disagreed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bf1pl/i_was_told_masturbation_with_a_dead_arm_was_great/
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Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked blonde woman floating face up... headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, and totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know , screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9beua6/two_lawyers_had_been_stranded_on_a_deserted/
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Bilbo Baggins wakes up suddenly to Don’t Stop Believing.

It was an unexpected Journey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9beu1d/bilbo_baggins_wakes_up_suddenly_to_dont_stop/
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Why don't people talk about trepanation?

It's boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9besoz/why_dont_people_talk_about_trepanation/
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I lost my virginity to a retarded girl.

you can say my first time was special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bes7j/i_lost_my_virginity_to_a_retarded_girl/
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So, two vampires walk into a bar...

The first one orders a Bloody Mary. (Get it?! Cuz he's a vampire!)
The second one orders some hot water.
The first one turns to him, confused. "Why just water? Live a little."
The second one pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9beol8/so_two_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly

I'm not a fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bemph/my_wife_likes_it_when_i_blow_air_on_her_when_shes/
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How does The Rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bemo9/how_does_the_rock_pee/
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Stay humble my friend

There once was a man who that grew up humbly, on an island. As he aged, he remained in the same grass hut he built in his youth.  He expanded his home through the years, but lived humbly.  He only had one vice.  He liked purchasing items that belonged to royalty, in particular, thrones.  He purchased so many, that he was only able to display his favorites, and stored the rest in an overhead room he built.  One day, while sitting in his favorite throne, the ceiling gave way, and over a dozen thrones crashed upon him, killing him. That's why people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bembl/stay_humble_my_friend/
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9belnj/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
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1890s Kids will get this

Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bein9/1890s_kids_will_get_this/
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Why are verbs afraid of talking about people?

Because they're followed by the subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bed27/why_are_verbs_afraid_of_talking_about_people/
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Wanna with saliva or not?

A man goes to prison, As he walks into cell, he is grabbed by a big muscled guy. "Yo freshie. I'm gonna fuck you in the ass. Wanna with saliva or not?" He thinks to himself that if he’s gonna be raped, it's better to go wet than dry and says: "Well... With... Saliva..." Big inmate grins, bangs on the nearby cell door and screams: "Yo, Saliva! Get up, freshie wanna get his ass double teamed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bec0c/wanna_with_saliva_or_not/
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If Jesus was killed in 1865,

Christians would be walking around with nooses around their neck instead of crosses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9be94y/if_jesus_was_killed_in_1865/
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How do you determine who the best musician is?

You compare their scores.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9be88l/how_do_you_determine_who_the_best_musician_is/
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My girlfriend asked me to write down the name of every girl I've ever slept with.

I don't think it helped when I wrote 'prologue'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9be7rr/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_write_down_the_name_of/
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Mahatma Ghandi walked thousands of miles with bare feet...

This caused him to develop an impressive set of callouses.
He also are very little, which made him rather frail, and due to this strange diet, suffered from bad breath.
All told, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9be5is/mahatma_ghandi_walked_thousands_of_miles_with/
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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.
“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”
“Well, I shall try my best,” said the head nun.
“Mother Superior, do you have any nuns under your care at this convent that are three feet tall?”
Surprised at the question, the Mother Superior said, “No, I’m afraid we do not. We would have welcomed anyone of that height if they had asked, but no one of that description has even visited us here.”
“I see. Thank you very much, Mother Superior,” said Doc, and he went back to his group, and his arrival promptly reignited their argument.
The head nun ignored them and continued her work. She enjoyed a few minutes of concentration, when suddenly, a powerful sneeze, followed by a rain of falling leaves, caught her attention. It was Sneezy.
“Pardon my intrusion, Mother Superior. We’re having a discussion right now, and we’re hoping you could help us settle things,” he said, in between sneezes.
“Very well, what is it then?”
“Mother Superior, is there a nun here who is about three feet tall?”
Annoyed, the Mother Superior answered firmly, “No. Just as I told your friend earlier, we don’t have any nun with that height here. I may not be overly close to all of the nuns, but I know each and every one of those under my care here. None of them are of that height.”
“Ah, sorry then, Mother Superior. Thank you,” said Sneezy, and headed back to the group. The sounds of argument resumed.
By then, the Mother Superior was plenty irritated. The Bishop was scheduled to drop by later that day, and she still had so much to do. It didn’t help that all the nuns were daft to the last girl, leaving her to do everything, and if she had to deal with just ONE more silliness, she’d –
“Hey Sister.”
“WHAT THE HELL IS IT?” snarled Mother Superior.
“Whoa, whoa, calm down there, Sister,” said Grumpy. “You’re getting a tad grumpy.”
Her entire body shaking as she tried to control her temper and not do anything she would regret, the Mother Superior said, through gritted teeth, “What. Is. It.”
Grumpy raised his hand to the area in front of his forehead. “Sister, you got any nuns around this height-”
Almost spitting with rage, the Mother Superior said, “None! There are none! There never has been one, ever! And God forbid if one ever shows up, I will personally put her in a box and mail her to you. Good day!”
For a moment Grumpy looked as if he was about to ask the Mother Superior if she was sure, but then thought the better of it. He thanked the nun, and started plodding towards the group. He raised his hands, palms up, and shook his head.
Briefly, the dwarves were quiet, and then six of them started to laugh like maniacs, with some dancing. The Mother Superior threw them her sharpest look, but they were too busy to notice her. Six of them were chanting, “Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9be2ru/one_day_a_mother_superior_was_attending_to_some/
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I went down to the patent office trying to register some of my inventions earlier today and walked up to the main desk to sign in when the lady pulled out a form to fill out. She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented...

I said, 'A folding bottle.'
She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?'
'A fottle.'
'What else do you have there?'
'A folding carton.'
'OK, what do you call it?'
'A farton.'
She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds a bit crude.'
I was so upset by her comment, I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9be1qn/i_went_down_to_the_patent_office_trying_to/
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What does suspense mean?

Don't worry, I'll tell you later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bdz6s/what_does_suspense_mean/
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Original joke that actually happened in real life. Slightly dirty.

My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud during the planning "Wait, then how did they get pregnant?"
I read /r/jokes every day but first post! Hopefully it gives something back for all the laughs I've had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bdz62/original_joke_that_actually_happened_in_real_life/
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An illegal immigrant and sex offender get into a fight at a bar.

Alien Vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bdy7e/an_illegal_immigrant_and_sex_offender_get_into_a/
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Why does the Buddha float in water?

Because he’s enlightened

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bdx7c/why_does_the_buddha_float_in_water/
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What happens in the bomb shelter...

There is a bombing, and the population has been invacuated into bomb shelters. In one such shelter, of an older make, there are no separate rooms and everyone there stays in one large room. It is late in the night, and everyone is lying on the floor, covered by blankets of all sorts, those provided in the shelter as well as any that some people have brought in on their person.
In one corner of the shelter, there are two men, Jack and Mike, secretly a gay couple. Jack gets rather horny throughout the night and confesses to his partner that he'd love to have intercourse with him, and right now at that.
Mike hisses back, "Are you bleeding crazy? People will see us!"
Jack replies, "No, no, they're all asleep. Look." He rises up and asks loudly, "Can anyone please spare an extra blanket for me?". No answer. Laying back down, he says "See, Mike? No issues.".
So they go on with their 'business'. In the morning, someone finds an old man, who is trembling and not feeling well. After people manage to find out from him what's wrong, it turns out it was too cold for him that night. Someone asks him why he didn't ask for an extra blanket.
"How could I," replies the old man, still trembling, "one young man asked for a blanket... and he was fucked all night long...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bdro1/what_happens_in_the_bomb_shelter/
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School shooting rates in America have dropped by crazy amounts over the past 2 months

The Summertime truly does bring miracles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bdquw/school_shooting_rates_in_america_have_dropped_by/
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A man visits a chicken farm.

A man visits a chicken farm to buy some eggs. He knocks on the farmhouse door, the farmer opens it and invites him in. After picking out a box of a dozen eggs, the man caught a glimpse of a golden shine coming through a slightly opened door to his left. The man asks the farmer about the light and is taken aback when the farmer hurries over to the door and closes it. The farmer then says quickly that there is nothing important behind the door and goes back to selling eggs to the man before ushering him out of the front door.
The man goes home but curiosity gets the better of him and he breaks into the farmhouse that same night. After reaching the strange door, he slowly creaks it open and his jaw drops to the floor. The most beautiful and intricate throne sits in the centre of the room. A solid gold seat encrusted with gems polished to sparkle like stars. On this throne, to the surprise of the man, was just a one legged chicken.
A crash came from behind him as the man hears the farmers voice calling,
‘Get out whoever you are, I’m armed and dangerous’
The man swings around and is face to face with a shotgun barrel.
‘Please sir, don’t shoot’ says the man. ‘I was only curious about what was in this room. Why does this chicken have such a nice throne in a room if it’s own?’
The farmer lowers his shotgun and says to the man, ‘well this is no ordinary chicken you see. This is the most incredible chicken in the world. This chicken can walk around the house, cooking food, washing the dishes, cleaning my clothes, feeding the other chickens, collecting the eggs, raising the little chicks, it handles all of my finances, babysits for my children, repair all of my farm equipment. You name it he does it. Hell he even lays golden eggs and has saved my farm from bankruptcy many times. I keep him protected in this room because he’s so valuable.’
The man is astonished. He is lost for words and just stared at this chicken in awe. After a few moments the man comes to his senses, looks at the farmer and asks,
‘But why does he only have one leg? was there a terrible accident or maybe jealous farmers trying to kidnap him? The poor creature, how could this happen?’
The farmer then replies, ‘well a chicken this good? You can’t just eat both legs, can you?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bdmn3/a_man_visits_a_chicken_farm/
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How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?

None.
They redefine broken as the new standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bdkki/how_many_microsoft_engineers_does_it_take_to/
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What did the whale say after eating the boat?

"This tastes like ship."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bdit3/what_did_the_whale_say_after_eating_the_boat/
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Did you hear about the archeologist who accidentally destroyed his dig site?

His career is in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bdhzi/did_you_hear_about_the_archeologist_who/
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Two guys meet at a bar.

"So what do you do?"
"I hunt and kill aliens"
"What is this, Men in Black? Seriously, what do you do for a living?"
"Tell me, have you ever met an alien?"
"No"
"You're fucking welcome"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bdf2a/two_guys_meet_at_a_bar/
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Did you hear about the guy on the news that's addicted to soap?

He's clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bddta/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_on_the_news_thats/
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After 23 school shootings in 2018

We did it. We finally banned straws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bda56/after_23_school_shootings_in_2018/
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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bd7s6/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
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My ex-girlfriend just got fired for drinking on the job.

She worked at a sperm bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bd6pd/my_exgirlfriend_just_got_fired_for_drinking_on/
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A gay guy, a fat guy, and a gambler.

[This joke isn’t as PC anymore, but it’s still funny!]
A gay guy, a fat guy, and a gambler, are all traveling together in a car. Suddenly, the car crashes and all three of them die.
They are at the gates of heaven, when St. Peter says to them, “I’m sorry, but there’s been some mistake. You three aren’t supposed to be here, you’re supposed to be in hell.”
Begging and pleading, they ask for one more chance. St. Peter says, “Fine, I’ll give you each one more chance.” Looking at the gay guy, he says, “You need to stop lusting after men.” To the fat guy, he says, “You need to stop being a glutton.” And to the gambler, “You need to quit gambling.”
“If any of you do these things again, even once, it’ll be straight to hell.”
And POOF! They were back on earth.
They were walking down a sidewalk when they began passing a really fine restaurant. The smells emanating from it were too much for the fat guy to handle. Not able to help it any longer, he runs towards the entrance, and as soon as his hand touches the door handle, POOF! He was gone.
The other two continued walking down the sidewalk, when they came across a very shiny gold coin laying on the ground. The gambler bent over to pick it up, and POOF! The gay guy was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bd2id/a_gay_guy_a_fat_guy_and_a_gambler/
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I dont get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I'm already on stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bd1q7/i_dont_get_why_people_say_cancer_is_hard_to_beat/
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John McCain didn't need chemo in the first place

The problem was all in his head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bd0jh/john_mccain_didnt_need_chemo_in_the_first_place/
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I’m working on a top secret project using honey to create alcohol

It’s on a mead to know basis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bcye4/im_working_on_a_top_secret_project_using_honey_to/
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A priest and a rabbi are walking through the park

when they see a group of kids on the playground.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says menacingly “Hey, should we go screw those kids?”
The rabbi looks at him quizzically and asks, “out of what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bcybd/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_walking_through_the_park/
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What's the glitchiest car in the world?

The buggy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bcx9r/whats_the_glitchiest_car_in_the_world/
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In three seconds, anagram the word SNIGGER into a derogatory term for a group of people based on a distinct physical trait.

The word we were looking for is GINGERS. You monster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bctsx/in_three_seconds_anagram_the_word_snigger_into_a/
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A constipated man goes to the doctor

He is really hurting. The doctor examines him and says "I am giving you a prescription for suppositories. Take them twice a day. You should be fine."
A week later the man returns to the doctor looking more grim than ever.
"Doc," he says, "I still haven't gone!"
The doctor is incredulous "Did you take the suppositories?!"
"Yes!" the man says, "But for all the good they did me, I should have shoved them up my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bcldh/a_constipated_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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I went on ebay and searched for lighters

But all they had was 238,184 matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bcj65/i_went_on_ebay_and_searched_for_lighters/
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How do people in Wisconsin communicate with each other?

Using a Milwaukee talkie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bcgmj/how_do_people_in_wisconsin_communicate_with_each/
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How do you punish your coffee beans?

You ground it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bcey5/how_do_you_punish_your_coffee_beans/
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A lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie...

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: "Son, where were you at school hours?"
Son: "At school." The robot slaps the son.
Son: "Okay I was watching KungFu Panda!" The robot slaps his son again.
Son: "Okay I was watching violent movies!"
Dad: "What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!" The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: "Haha, after all, he is your son." The robot slaps the mom...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bce0u/a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps_you_if_you_lie/
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If Steve Jobs is in hell..

He probably gotta use the computers he sells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bcd00/if_steve_jobs_is_in_hell/
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What’s got two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bcch1/whats_got_two_legs_and_bleeds_profusely/
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A man buys a motorcycle

The salesman hands over a tube of vaseline. "If it starts raining, coat your seat with it. It will protect the leather from water damage."
The man decides to take his new motorcycle down some country roads in the middle of nowhere. Several hours from the nearest big city, his new ride breaks down. He calls road service, but they are several hours out. It's getting dark and he sees the light of a house a bit ahead. He decides to drag his bike to it and knocks on the door.
A farmer opens up and the man explains his situation. The farmer agrees to let him stay for a few hours and offers him dinner. "We have one rule at the table though. Nobody is allowed to say a word. The first person who speaks, has to do all of the dishes." *"That's fine. I'm a guest so it would be polite for me to help do the dishes anyway"*, the man thinks. He quickly changes his mind as he sees the kitchen. Piles upon piles upon piles, as if no one has done the dishes in years. As if they buy new dishes every time they are out of clean ones. "Well, no one is going to be talking it seems."
He notices the farmer's daughter, a true beauty. The man hasn't been with someone in months, and under the knowledge no one will say a word, he forces himself on her.
After he's done, he's still in the mood. He sees the farmer's wife, an absolute milf. Once again under the knowledge no one will say a word, he forces himself on her.
Suddenly it starts pouring rain. The man remembers what the salesman told him and jumps up as he pulls out the tube of vaseline.
The farmer jumps up in reaction. "Okay okay fine, I'll do the fucking dishes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bcc83/a_man_buys_a_motorcycle/
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Pope Trumps

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!."
Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bcb9p/pope_trumps/
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what do you call a Norwegian call girl?

A fjord escort!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bcb5i/what_do_you_call_a_norwegian_call_girl/
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What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bc6tc/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
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English food and English women

And thus a great nation of sailors was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bc5j3/english_food_and_english_women/
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Did you hear about the schizophrenic almond...

He's nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bc3zo/did_you_hear_about_the_schizophrenic_almond/
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The set of natural numbers, the set of rational numbers, and the set of integers walk into a bar

Before long, they've had their fill and start causing drunken havoc, disturbing all the patrons. The bartender intends to get to the bottom of this matter. Reasoning that a mathematician would be able to help, he calls Bertrand Russell.
"Hey, I've got three sets in my bar and they're acting pretty raucous. You think you can help me calm them down?"
"I'm sorry," Russell replies. "Sets cannot contain themselves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bc3sa/the_set_of_natural_numbers_the_set_of_rational/
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What do you do when you want to find a mythical location on a map?

Well legend has it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bc20j/what_do_you_do_when_you_want_to_find_a_mythical/
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Policeman: "I'm very sorry, sir,..."

Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.
Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bbv5j/policeman_im_very_sorry_sir/
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Einstein famously said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result...

... so unless I'm crazy, I should probably stop getting out of bed in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bbu7c/einstein_famously_said_that_insanity_was_doing/
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Why did the guitarist get arrested?

Because he kept plucking minors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bbtoy/why_did_the_guitarist_get_arrested/
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How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but the price will depend on where you want to put it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bbrdx/how_many_hookers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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If you came here for the the pee jokes...

Urine luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bbpu4/if_you_came_here_for_the_the_pee_jokes/
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(Dad Joke) You know the best way to catch a polar bear, right?

First, you cut a giant hole in the ice at least 20 foot around. Then you take several bags of frozen peas and open them up and spread them all around the hole nice and even.
Then, when the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bbpe1/dad_joke_you_know_the_best_way_to_catch_a_polar/
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A man with a really tiny penis seeks help

A friend suggests him to visit a guru. The guru is sitting on top of a rock and asks the man to climb it with the help of a rope hanging from it. The man climbs up and tells him about his problems.Guru gives him a lotion and asks him to apply it daily.
Rejoiced, the man exclaims "you must be having a really huge dick!"
The guru replies "I won't brag but it does come handy in helping the patients to climb up the rock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bbosq/a_man_with_a_really_tiny_penis_seeks_help/
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A man is having a walk in a park and sees a woman from behind.

The woman has a miraculous booty.
So the man decides to follow the woman just so he can look more on her fine ass.
After 20 min the woman notices the man and turns around.
"Why are you following me", she asks the man.
The man looks at her and replies: "Now that i see your face i have no idea..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bbocy/a_man_is_having_a_walk_in_a_park_and_sees_a_woman/
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What water does Alex Jones drink?

The same water the gay frogs drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bbh27/what_water_does_alex_jones_drink/
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My wife left me because apparently I'm to paranoid

I'm ok with that. Rather live alone than with a clone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bbelv/my_wife_left_me_because_apparently_im_to_paranoid/
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I Have Good News and Bad News...

-What's the bad news doctor?
-We're going to amputate both your legs.
-And the good news?
-I'll give you 20 bucks for your sneakers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bbbbk/i_have_good_news_and_bad_news/
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Doctor: "Looks like you're pregnant"

Woman: "Oh, I'm pregnant?!"
Doctor: "No, but it looks like it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bb8hl/doctor_looks_like_youre_pregnant/
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No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bb7x3/no_matter_what_sexual_role_play_idea_my_wife/
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A man dies and finds himself at the foot of a mountain.

There is a sign by the mountain that reads ‘Welcome to Mount Olympus. To learn your fate in the afterlife, climb to the top and see the twelve deities.’
The man looks up the towering mountain, wondering how he will reach the high summit. As he starts his ascent he sees another man making his way down.  He asks him for advice on getting to the top, and the man replies “Godspeed.” He makes another plea for guidance as they pass one another, and the man responds “Godspeed, my friend,” and continues his descent.
Frustrated with the lack of help, he continues the long and arduous climb. After many hard days, he can finally see the summit.
As he begins the summit climb, the rock face becomes very wet and slippery. He is doing all he can not to fall off, when he notices a strong and foul scent. The smell is too unbearable and the rock face too slippery to continue.
Defeated, the man makes his way down, figuring he will rest and try again later. Unable to find a suitable resting spot, he is forced to climb all the way back to the bottom. After days of climbing down, he gets back to the bottom where he sees the same man, sitting on a rock.
He approaches him and angrily says “hey thanks for the help before..  I almost made it up but it was just too slippery, and it smells disgusting up there.”  The man replies “hey man, I tried to warn you, the gods have been peeing from the top all month.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bb7it/a_man_dies_and_finds_himself_at_the_foot_of_a/
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Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bb4dt/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting

I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bb22e/a_vegan_said_to_me_people_who_sell_meat_are/
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I don't often tell Dad jokes,

But when I do, he usually reposts them to reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bazac/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
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Do you know why the Eiffel tower is so tall?

So you can see the white flag from Berlin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9baxq3/do_you_know_why_the_eiffel_tower_is_so_tall/
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I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room.

'Thanks', he said. I replied, 'Don't mention it'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9baw9a/i_gave_my_friend_an_elephant_to_put_in_his_room/
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9barhc/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
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Say what you want about wasps.

But at least they wear high visibility jackets to prevent accidents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bak65/say_what_you_want_about_wasps/
%
Why is there no Walmart's in Afghanistan?

Because there are targets on every corner!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9bagbn/why_is_there_no_walmarts_in_afghanistan/
%
Sex is like eating BBQ

If you don't get it all over you... you didn't do it right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9baf82/sex_is_like_eating_bbq/
%
A little girl asks her grandpa, "Would you make a frog noise for me, Grandpa?"

The grandpa, confused, asks, "Why?"
The little girl replies, "Dad says when you croak we are all going to
Disneyland".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9babdm/a_little_girl_asks_her_grandpa_would_you_make_a/
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How is it, that the capital city of USA is also the place of most successful laundry bussines?

Because they're washing tons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ba8p8/how_is_it_that_the_capital_city_of_usa_is_also/
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A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library...

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?
The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I'M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I *know* how to screw people".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ba7t6/a_man_was_looking_for_a_place_to_sit_in_a_crowded/
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What do you do with a rubber trumpet?

Join an elastic band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ba586/what_do_you_do_with_a_rubber_trumpet/
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A little girl asks how she got her name.

Her mom says “Well when we were bringing you home from the hospital a rose petal landed on your face, so we named you rose. We named your brother ray because a beam of sunlight hit him on the way home from the hospital too.”
From the next room the third siblings says
“Hyrnagamadrgs!”
Mom turns and shouts “shut the fuck up refrigerator!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ba4cv/a_little_girl_asks_how_she_got_her_name/
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Study on Prostitutes

Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.
Oxytocin is known to increase erotic vocalizations during sex. Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.
It's a very powerful whore-moan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ba3pd/study_on_prostitutes/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ba2wr/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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“I should be in charge”

All the organs of the body were having a meeting trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache .
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work..
The ass hole is usually in charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ba00r/i_should_be_in_charge/
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How do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9y5j/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
I hated the girls at my school

They used to hit me with a ruler.. Slap me in the face. Basically did everything they could just to defend themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9wxg/i_hated_the_girls_at_my_school/
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RIP boiled water

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9w03/rip_boiled_water/
%
In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9o7m/in_1969_the_beatles_originally_wrote_one_of_their/
%
I was hacked by Russia.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9o35/i_was_hacked_by_russia/
%
My wife gets jealous when I go grocery shopping...

There’s always a cashier checking me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9izd/my_wife_gets_jealous_when_i_go_grocery_shopping/
%
I was disgusted when my gf showed me her penis.

But then it grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9het/i_was_disgusted_when_my_gf_showed_me_her_penis/
%
How many dads does it take to change a lightbulb?

Into what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9g8a/how_many_dads_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Sapnu puas

Flip your phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9fzl/sapnu_puas/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world, those that know binary

and the rest have girlfriends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9fg2/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world_those/
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A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed

As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9efc/a_man_was_walking_in_the_street_one_day_when_he/
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Liam's mom is trying to wake him up in the morning. As usual..

As usual, Liam says "just ten more minutes mom!"
Mom is used to this and lets him sleep 5 more minutes.
After 5 minutes, Liam as expected says, "just... just.. 5 more minutes.. Please..."
After this happens 2-3 more times, mom has had it.
Mom : get up you little shit or I will come in and pour cold water on your face
Liam: mom! Please!?! Can I not stay home today? I'm not feeling so well today
Mom: oh yeah? What's wrong with you now?
Liam: I don't know.. It's fever.
Mom: you get up or I'm coming in.
Liam: mom, why do you bother. Every one hates me at school, and I am not even learning anything.
Mom : but Liam, you fuckwit, you are the principal of the damn school!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9ds9/liams_mom_is_trying_to_wake_him_up_in_the_morning/
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What goes "Oooooooo!"?

A cow with no lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9dhn/what_goes_oooooooo/
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Lets open a club for procrastinators

Tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9dga/lets_open_a_club_for_procrastinators/
%
Shocking results came in after Keith Richards went to the hospital.

They found blood in his drugstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b9c1t/shocking_results_came_in_after_keith_richards/
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A kiwi man was in Australia for the Bledisloe Cup when he began to experience testicular pain..

So he went to see an Australian doctor and get some tests done.
Dr: "Your results are back sir and unfortunately they are not good. We are going to have to remove your testicles".
Kiwi: "Awwww no way bru! I'm going to git a sicond opinion!"
So the kiwi finds another Aussie doctor who runs further tests.
Dr 2: "Unfortunately I would agree with the previous assessment, we have no choice but to remove your testicles".
Kiwi: "Aw this is fucked bru! You Aussies dun know whatya talkin about. I need to find myself a kiwi dr!"
So the kiwi searches high and low for a doctor from his homeland with no luck. In utter despair he heads to a nearby pub to drown his sorrows. However as luck would have it a kiwi doctor just so happens to be there! The kiwi explains his troubles to the doctor and the doctor agrees to give him a quick inspection in the back alley.
After a brief look the kiwi dr says: "Awww sorry bru, your nuts are cooked! We're gonna need to chop them off!"
Kiwi: "Aw chur bru I'm so happy! I knew those Aussie bastards were lying when they said they needed to take my test tickets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b99op/a_kiwi_man_was_in_australia_for_the_bledisloe_cup/
%
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b978f/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_is_exactly_314/
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How do you discipline your pet rock?

You hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b955u/how_do_you_discipline_your_pet_rock/
%
After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye.

but If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b91ex/after_a_series_of_crimes_in_the_glasgow_area/
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I started my first rock garden last week

Three of them already died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b8wut/i_started_my_first_rock_garden_last_week/
%
I've never used condoms when screwing in the living room

We always use the pull out couch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b8rld/ive_never_used_condoms_when_screwing_in_the/
%
I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b8ply/ive_always_wanted_a_swimmers_body_so_i_go_to_the/
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A blonde kidnapping

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground.
Signed,
A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b8p7x/a_blonde_kidnapping/
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Yo mamma's so fat...

She had to get her drivers license photo from Google earth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b8n93/yo_mammas_so_fat/
%
What happens to Russians when they break the law?

They're Putin jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b8men/what_happens_to_russians_when_they_break_the_law/
%
An man was in the hospital for a series of tests...

... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young nurse was about to come in the door at any moment, he hastily gathered up the bed sheets, and opted to throw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who head been alerted my the screams and cursing, walked up and asked, "What the world is going on here?"
The drunk, out of breath and staring down with a horrified look at the heap laying at his feet, replied: "I am not sure, but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b8l55/an_man_was_in_the_hospital_for_a_series_of_tests/
%
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I can’t get hard, I just got laid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b8k1h/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
%
What do you call a transgender vampire?

Count Dragula.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b8i6s/what_do_you_call_a_transgender_vampire/
%
A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"
The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."
Immediately thinking the worst, the mother asks "Oh my God, what's wrong?"
"Well, you were recovering for a long time," the doctor says solemnly, "we had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them..."
Shocked, the mother asks "What did he name the girl?"
The doctor lets out a sigh and says "Denise."
"Oh!" The mother says, "That's a lovely name, what about the boy?"
The doctor places a hand on the mother's shoulder, shaking his head he says...
"Denephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b87fs/a_single_mother_wakes_up_from_a_coma_after_giving/
%
Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b875v/breaking_news_just_in_a_cement_mixer_has_collided/
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I dodn't often tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b85tq/i_dodnt_often_tell_dad_jokes/
%
A man was speaking with God and asked him, "God, is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"

"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God replied.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man, and I was wondering if you could give me a
penny," asked the man.
"Sure," said God, "in a minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b83cd/a_man_was_speaking_with_god_and_asked_him_god_is/
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People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones

Or masturbate during the day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b81q0/people_in_glass_houses_shouldnt_throw_stones/
%
Confession

The elderly man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b816b/confession/
%
Today my spice rack fell to the ground, making a big mess.

I finished cleaning all the rosemary and sage so now I have a lot of thyme on my hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b80w4/today_my_spice_rack_fell_to_the_ground_making_a/
%
The 6th grade science teacher...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b7zhl/the_6th_grade_science_teacher/
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Leroy's Hearing

A preacher said: "Anyone with special needs, who wants to be prayed over, please come to the front by the altar.''
With  that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked:  "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?''
Leroy replied: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.''
The preacher put a finger in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked: "Leroy, how is your hearing now?''
"I don't know,'' answered Leroy. "It's not 'til next week.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b7z4s/leroys_hearing/
%
My dick just died

Can I bury it in you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b7ttk/my_dick_just_died/
%
"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b7t0l/what_are_the_broken_condoms_doing_on_the_couch/
%
Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids."

Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b7rmn/wife_honey_i_think_youre_a_little_to_harsh_to_one/
%
A Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder...

The bartender asks, “Hey buddy, where did you get that?”
The frog responds, “Brooklyn, they’re all over the place!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b7puh/a_rabbi_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_frog_on_his/
%
A dog went on a backpacking trip to Africa and decided he'd spend a few days in the safari

During one of the days he got lost when suddenly he saw a tiger lurking in the nearby woods. Knowing he had no chance escaping the tiger, he rushed over to a nearby pile of old bones. As the tiger approached ready to devour him for breakfast, the dog turned its back to the tiger, resiliently stuck a big bone in its mouth and said loudly: "Yum, this tiger was absolutely delicious, I wonder if there are any more tasty tigers around here". The tiger hearing this pumped his brakes, turned around and ran back scared into the woods.
A monkey who sat on the tree branch above and saw everything, decided it was a good opportunity for him to make things good with the tiger. He chased the tiger and stopped it. He told the tiger what the dog had done and how he'd made a fool out of him. "Oh yeah?" said the angry tiger, "I'll show that little piece of shit dog what happens to those who dare to mess around with me. Hop on my back monkey let's go get that dog!"
The dog, still shaken from the previous incident, saw the tiger running towards him at full speed this time with a monkey on its back. Instead of running away, the dog decided to sit with his back to his attackers and seconds before the tiger reached him, said out loud, "Where is that annoying monkey? I told him what would happen to him if he didn't bring me another tiger ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b7o7f/a_dog_went_on_a_backpacking_trip_to_africa_and/
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What did one stoner noodle say to the other?

Pasta blunt homie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b7njj/what_did_one_stoner_noodle_say_to_the_other/
%
A man walks into a bookstore at 3.00 a.m. [Long]

He walks around and sees a particular notebook behind a counter that's locked in a glass box.
He asks the cashier what book that is and the cashier says he does not know and needs to get confirmation from the manager. The man asks him to do so.
Moments later, a tall, slender man with pale skin walks up to him claiming to be the manager. He tells the man that the book is actually a sacred relic which was uncovered during an expedition of some old ruins. The manager says that the book is priced at $1000 as to purposely ward of potential buyers.
The man insistently wants to buy the book although the manager warns him otherwise. At last, the manager agrees to sell him the book, but he warns the man of a curse that will befall him if the last page of the book were to ever be opened.
The man agrees and pays the $1000 then leaves with the book.
When he got home, he decides to leave the book opened on the table of his apartment while he goes and washes up. When he is done, he sees the pages of the book turning towards the end at a fast speed, it was at that point that he realised he forgot to close the windows.
He rushed over to the book in an attempt to close it but it was too late. When the book flipped to the last page, he saw a sight that shocked him to near death
"Fixed price: $3"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b7le7/a_man_walks_into_a_bookstore_at_300_am_long/
%
I held the door open for an old Japanese man today

As he walked into the store he said "Sank You". I was shocked that after all these years he still brings up Pearl Harbor…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b7h76/i_held_the_door_open_for_an_old_japanese_man_today/
%
A priest is driving along a country road when he is pulled over by a copper..

“Have you been drinking?” He asks.
“Just water” replied the priest.
The cop says “So why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks over at the bottle and says “good lord, he’s done it again”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b7dfl/a_priest_is_driving_along_a_country_road_when_he/
%
What does a priest say when he gets excited?

-Oh boy oh boy oh boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b7bcn/what_does_a_priest_say_when_he_gets_excited/
%
Boris and Ivan are walking down the street in Leningrad

Boris: “It is beautiful day in Soviet Russia! I am happy to live in glorious motherland!”
Ivan: “Nyet. *We* are happy to live in glorious motherland.”
Boris: “Blyat. My bad.”
Ivan: “Our bad.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b7au1/boris_and_ivan_are_walking_down_the_street_in/
%
There was a big controversy over my craft beer joke

It was a real brew ha ha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b79mj/there_was_a_big_controversy_over_my_craft_beer/
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A present for the girlfriend.

A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.
He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.
His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
Ron.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b79cr/a_present_for_the_girlfriend/
%
My dog Minton ate a shuttlecock, a net, and two rackets!

Bad Minton!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b71q9/my_dog_minton_ate_a_shuttlecock_a_net_and_two/
%
A White horse walks into a bar.

The barman remarks "Did you know there's a drink named after you?"
The horse replies "Kevin ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b70iw/a_white_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man goes to the police to call his wife missing.

"When have you seen your wife for the last time?"
- "About a month ago"
"And why are you coming to the police only now?!"
- "I have no more clean laundry..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b6wrq/a_man_goes_to_the_police_to_call_his_wife_missing/
%
What does Verizon have in common with my teenage daughter?

I go from not hearing from them at all to 5 times a day when they want money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b6umw/what_does_verizon_have_in_common_with_my_teenage/
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A CEO has a business meeting in Japan

He flies in the day before and is going to stay at a hotel when he decides to spice things up and hires a prostitute. That night, in the room, they are fucking when she starts screaming "anachigai, anachigai" which he assumes is just encouragement of some kind as he doesn't speak Japanese. The prostitute leaves the room, leaving the CEO with a sense of satisfaction.
The next day he is talking business with a Japanese businessman over a round of golf. At the very start the Japanese man gets a hole in one, so the CEO shouts "whoa, anachigai, anachigai!!!" to which the businessman throws down his club and shouts "what the fuck do you mean 'wrong hole'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b6ula/a_ceo_has_a_business_meeting_in_japan/
%
The rotation of the Earth...

really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b6q6p/the_rotation_of_the_earth/
%
I named my horse Mayo

Sometimes Mayo neighs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b6o2h/i_named_my_horse_mayo/
%
Just got arrested for masturbating with weed when I was on a plane.

Apparently, I was High-Jacking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b6hc1/just_got_arrested_for_masturbating_with_weed_when/
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I breathe heavy whenever I’m around woman’s underwear.

I guess that’s why they call them panties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b6gpe/i_breathe_heavy_whenever_im_around_womans/
%
"Boxers or briefs", she asked...

"Depends", I responded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b6fsc/boxers_or_briefs_she_asked/
%
A man who escapes from the USSR is being interviewed by an American journalist

Journalist: So, how is life in the Soviet Union?
Man: Well, I can't complain
Journalist: But, I have heard that in your country there is often not enough food and long lines. Is this true?
Man: I can't complain
Journalist: In the USA there are rumours that people that oppose your leaders gets killed or just disappears. Do you know anything about this?
Man: Can't complain about it
Journalist (now frustrated) : But why did you escape? Based on this interview, life is great over there
Man (Smiling) : Because here I can complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b6f81/a_man_who_escapes_from_the_ussr_is_being/
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My brother proposed to his girlfriend while on holiday. I called to congratulate them...

...but they were engaged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b6aih/my_brother_proposed_to_his_girlfriend_while_on/
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A police officer candidate goes in for an interview

The chief hands him a pistol and says "I need you to shoot a black guy and three white rabbits."
The candidate asks "why the white rabbits?"
The chief says "that's the attitude we're looking for around here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b65j2/a_police_officer_candidate_goes_in_for_an/
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Where does the architecture school's principal send bad students?

To the suspension bridge.
This joke can't even hold itself up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b62wr/where_does_the_architecture_schools_principal/
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I called my wife to tell her to be careful because the news said some maniac was driving down the wrong side of the interstate.

She said it's worse than that, there's hundreds of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b612t/i_called_my_wife_to_tell_her_to_be_careful/
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The problem with political jokes ...

Is sometimes they get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b5wnw/the_problem_with_political_jokes/
%
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.

Patient: Ok, what’s the good news first?
Doctor: You have 7 days to live.
Patient: What news could be worse than that?
Doctor: I should have told you 6 days ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b5tjd/doctor_i_have_some_good_news_and_some_bad_news/
%
Audiences used to love him,

but now Bill Cosby puts people to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b5tac/audiences_used_to_love_him/
%
What did the Chinese mathematician name his boys?

Sun Won and Sun Tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b5re6/what_did_the_chinese_mathematician_name_his_boys/
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What do you call a cushion with transcendentalist views?

A Thoreau pillow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b5qhq/what_do_you_call_a_cushion_with_transcendentalist/
%
I found a new homophone today

At first I thought it was a regular phone, but then I saw it had Grindr installed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b5os0/i_found_a_new_homophone_today/
%
I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b5mx6/i_went_to_the_doctors_recently/
%
This is my stepladder...

I never knew my real ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b5ki8/this_is_my_stepladder/
%
A man survives Hiroshima and wakes up in the hospital

Man: What happened and why am I here?
Nurse: Hiroshima was hit by a bomb and despite all odds you survived. Right now you are at the hospital getting treated but you have no risk of dying so no worries.
Man: Thank god. But how about my family? Are they ok also?
Nurse: Don’t worry, they all evacuated safely and are waiting at the reception room
Man: That is great news. So where am I?
Nurse: Nagasaki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b5ht0/a_man_survives_hiroshima_and_wakes_up_in_the/
%
I needed to have some white noise on in the background to help me fall asleep

Fox News seemed to do the trick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b59zw/i_needed_to_have_some_white_noise_on_in_the/
%
I never realized British coins were so heavy

They can really add up to pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b53ua/i_never_realized_british_coins_were_so_heavy/
%
I wanted to tell you a joke about illegal immigrants...

But it was borderline offesive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b4z7q/i_wanted_to_tell_you_a_joke_about_illegal/
%
A guy picks up a hooker

She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300.00. as long as you can say it in three words.”
The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300.00 on the table and says slowly.
“Paint…my….house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b4xfy/a_guy_picks_up_a_hooker/
%
What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b4uc2/what_do_you_get_if_you_add_up_all_the_seconds_of/
%
Why do hypochondriacs make for good chemical catalysts?

They overreact to all external stimuli!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b4t5v/why_do_hypochondriacs_make_for_good_chemical/
%
What happened to Dumbo over time?

He became EarElephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b4s34/what_happened_to_dumbo_over_time/
%
What's Donald Trump's favourite baseball team?

The Dodgers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b4psm/whats_donald_trumps_favourite_baseball_team/
%
Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b4ncr/three_old_women_sneak_some_jack_daniels_into_a/
%
A guy and his friend are sitting on the couch while having a conversation.

One of them says "hey man, i fucked your teacher in grade 5."
The other says "but, we were homeschooled!"
He says "I know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b4n89/a_guy_and_his_friend_are_sitting_on_the_couch/
%
After completing a celebrity pro-am golf tournament, Jackie Chan walks into the clubhouse bar...

As he makes his way through the crowd of professional golfers and lesser celebrities, he mentions to his playing partner, Phil Mickelson, that he makes a point of playing as many pro-ams as he can throughout the year because “it gives him a chance to network with other celebrities.”
At that very moment, he spots Andy Samberg double fisting a bourbon and beer near the bar.
Excusing himself from Mickelson, he explains that he has an action-comedy script he’s been shopping around to Hollywood studios that he thinks Samberg would be absolutely perfect for.
Chan makes his way over to the usually genial Samberg and introduces himself.
Unbeknownst to him, however, Samberg is in no mood for polite conversation, let alone networking.
In fact, he’s spent the last hour in the bar pounding drinks and brooding over his poor performance: a dismal 17 shots over par.
Believing that the new movie idea could be his biggest hit since Rush Hour, Chan persists and starts to give his elevator pitch.
Before Chan can finish his first sentence, Samberg interrupts by punching him in the face and drunkenly slurring something about payback for Pearl Harbor.
Astonished, Chan yells, “You ignorant fool! That was Japan. I’m Chinese!”
Still slurring, and now swaying to and fro, Samberg mutters, “Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese...what’s the difference?”
To that, Chan delivers a swift and decisive blow across Samberg’s face which knocks him to the floor.
Hardly remembering the events that led to his unfortunate situation, Samberg sheepishly groans, “what was that for?”
Uncharacteristically, Chan booms, “THAT WAS FOR THE TITANIC!”
“C’mon man! The Titanic? That was an iceberg!”
Smiling, Chan shrugs and replies, “Samberg, Goldberg, iceberg...what’s the difference?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b4mlz/after_completing_a_celebrity_proam_golf/
%
“Mom, am I real polar bear?”

“Why yes son. Look at your polar bear claws and your white coat, of course you’re a real polar bear. “
“I guess your right, “ said the teenage polar bear.
A few days pass and the son (Fred) goes up to his father this time and asks him if he is in fact a real polar bear.
“Why yes son. Of course you’re a real polar bear, we are on the North Pole. You see that there, that’s the North poles flag.”
“Ok Dad, if you say so.”
A few more days pass and Fred goes up to his grandfather to ask him the question.
“Grandpa, am I real polar bear?”
“Fred! Look around you, you see the white ice, the relentless wind, and constant light. This is were polar bears live. Now, tell me why do you keep asking everyone if you’re a polar bear?”
Fred looks to his grandfather with pleading eyes:
“Because **I’m fucking freeezing!**”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b4lzk/mom_am_i_real_polar_bear/
%
My grandfather has the heart of a lion!

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b4lbc/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
What did the drummer call his two daughters?

Anna one, Anna two!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b4fkw/what_did_the_drummer_call_his_two_daughters/
%
A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b4fjw/a_constipated_man_robs_a_toy_store_he_steals/
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"I slept with a pair of 18 year old twins last night!" - said a young man to his best mate. 'Wow, awesome!' replied his mate. "How could you tell them apart?". "Easy, Janet paints her nails red..."

"... and Bob has a cock".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b4byz/i_slept_with_a_pair_of_18_year_old_twins_last/
%
Why Mexicans are freezing in the hot summer?

Because they're surrounded by ICE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b48bi/why_mexicans_are_freezing_in_the_hot_summer/
%
In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:
'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.
So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'The plumber is coming in the morning'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b42cw/in_soviet_russia_a_man_goes_to_buy_a_car/
%
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b41rk/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant/
%
God decides to spread his word

so he goes around the nations. He gets to the americans and tries to give a commandment to an american he meets.
God: "Can I intrest you in a commandment?"
American: "What does it say?"
God: "Thou shalt not kill."
American: "In USA we kill to settle disputes. Murder, execution; that's how we roll. No thanks!"
God decides to keep trying and gets to the french.
God: "Can I intrest you in a commandment?"
Frenchman: "What does it say?"
God: "thou shalt not covet thou neighbor's wife."
Frenchman: "But adultry is the essence of being french! No thanks!"
Not giving up, he decides to try the jews and meets Moses.
God: "Can I intrest you in a commandment?"
Moses: "How much does it cost?"
God: "It's free."
Moses: "I'll have ten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b415e/god_decides_to_spread_his_word/
%
"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b3zg7/dad_your_credit_card_has_been_stolen_for_3_months/
%
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b3xij/an_american_tourist_in_australia_was_in_an/
%
A man running from the police runs into the Catholic church and hides in confession box..

Another person enters the other side and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
The man not wanting to get caught says, "What have you done my daughter?"
She says, "I have had anal sex with my boyfriend, I know sex is for making children, please forgive me . What is my penance?"
The man not knowing what to say, quickly opens his side of the confession box and sees a choir boy walking by , "Hey Kid what does the Priest give for anal sex?"
He responds,  "A can of pop and a bag of chips"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b3wi5/a_man_running_from_the_police_runs_into_the/
%
You know what makes my day?

The rotation of the earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b3we4/you_know_what_makes_my_day/
%
How is holy water made?

By boiling the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b3u33/how_is_holy_water_made/
%
(OC) I hope

What do you call a banned Russian streaming video service?
Nyet-flix
It may be cheesy but I feel like an original joke no matter how bad is still better than all the recycled ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b3lt3/oc_i_hope/
%
My mom makes me feel homy.

It just isn't home without her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b3km3/my_mom_makes_me_feel_homy/
%
A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot

and places the parrot, stiff as a board, onto the vets desk.
"Doctor I think my parrot is sick. Please make him well again!"
The vet takes a look at the parrot and puts his stethoscope on the parrots chest and listens solemnly for a few moments before sighing.
"Ma'am I'm so sorry to tell you this but, I'm certain your parrot has passed away,"
"Nonsense!" The lady exclaims, "He was spritely and chatty just yesterday! I want a second opinion!"
The vet, taken aback by this, is a little lost for words. After a moment agasp he whistles and a yellow Labrador runs in the room. He puts both paws on the counter and sniffs the parrot, and with sad eyes looks at the vet and shakes his head.
The vet nods and the dog runs out.
"I've confirmed that your parrot is indeed dead,"
"A dog?! What is this?! I want another opinion!"
The vet sighs again and rings a little bell and a black cat runs in the room and leaps up to the desk purring. She prods the parrot with her paw and sniffs at it a little, and with sad eyes looks at the vet and shakes her head. The vet nods, gives the cat a stroke, and the cat runs out.
"Ma'am I'm afraid we've exhausted all alternatives. Your parrot is 100% dead."
"How dare you? A cat and a dog? I want you to run more tests!" yells the lady.
"Madam I have diagnosed the parrot myself, and you've had a lab report and a cat scan, what more do you need?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b3kij/a_lady_walks_into_a_veterinarian_with_a_parrot/
%
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine

. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.
"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b3k8o/pierre_a_french_fighter_pilot_takes_his/
%
I finally met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit.

Tomorrow we are going on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b3igd/i_finally_met_someone_online_who_shares_my_fetish/
%
What do you call a dead fly?

A flew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b3dyr/what_do_you_call_a_dead_fly/
%
Why didn't anyone buy the Trump line of liquor?

It was fake booze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b3a8p/why_didnt_anyone_buy_the_trump_line_of_liquor/
%
What's a musician's favorite weapon?

C4.
But a knife will do in a pinch, so long as its #.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b38r8/whats_a_musicians_favorite_weapon/
%
An old man sits next to a young man at a bar...

An old man sits next to a young man at a bar and they get to talking.
The young fella is lamenting how he gets tounge-tied whenever he tries to talk to a pretty woman.
"I try to tell them that their face is pretty but instead, what comes out of my mouth is: your pace is fretty.
I always mix it up and say the wrong thing."
The old man sympathetically nods his head in agreement and takes a drink before speaking.
"I know what you mean." he replies.
"Why just this morning at breakfast, I meant to tell my wife to pass the butter, but what came out was:
BITCH, YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b36lc/an_old_man_sits_next_to_a_young_man_at_a_bar/
%
Isaac stood at the door of the synagogue, with an outstretched hand, asking:

"Donate a coin for charity! Donate a coin for charity!"
Then comes the Rabbi: "Hey, Isaac, what are you doing?"
Isaac: "Rabbi, I'm raising money for a widow, mother of three little boys, who's 3 months behind in rent. If she doesn't pay 1,500 Euro by the end of the day, she's going to be evicted by the landlord!"
Rabbi: "Isaac, how much have you raised already?"
Isaac: "I've got 1,000 Euro, Rabbi."
Rabbi: "Alright then. This is a very important cause, helping a widow in need. I'll give you the remaining 500 Euro so you can help her."
Isaac: "Wonderful, Rabbi! I thank you with all my heart, in the widow's name!"
Rabbi: "You have a big heart, Issac. Tell me, is she a relative or something?"
Issac: "No Rabbi, she's my tenant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b36ia/isaac_stood_at_the_door_of_the_synagogue_with_an/
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My boss went to a wedding. She said it was all very emotional.

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b35ou/my_boss_went_to_a_wedding_she_said_it_was_all/
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I'm opening a restaurant called "whatever"

It'll immediately be every girlfriend's favourite spot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b3068/im_opening_a_restaurant_called_whatever/
%
A boy comes home one day and sees a weird device next to his parents

The device has a long arm, and has a bunch of buttons and numbers on it.
The boy asks his father "dad, what is that"? To which the father replies "it's a lying detector".
The father says "c'mon, let's give it a go! Where were you just now?"
"I was at the library"
SLAP!!!
The machines arm shoots across the room and slaps the boy in the face.
"Fine" the boy says "I was by Billy
"And what were you doing there?" The father asks
"Studying for our bio test" the boy replies
SLAP!!!
Once again, the machine slaps the boy in the face.
"And what were you really doing at Billy's?"
The son looks down at his shoes, embarrassed "we were watching pornography".
The father, roaring with laughter, exclaims "kids these days! When I was a boy, I never looked at pornography!"
SLAP!!!
The mother looks on, amused "he truly is your son!"
SLAP!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b2qod/a_boy_comes_home_one_day_and_sees_a_weird_device/
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How do you know when you’ve heard a dad joke?

It will be APARENT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b2pi3/how_do_you_know_when_youve_heard_a_dad_joke/
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Back in my hippie college days, a professor came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me, "Ya dig?"

I thought to myself, this guy's pretty far out. I answered, "Yeh, man. I dig!"
That's how I got hoodwinked into joining his archaeological expedition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b2mko/back_in_my_hippie_college_days_a_professor_came/
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What do you get when you cross an egg with a sperm?

An omelette you probably aren't going to want to eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b2m5q/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_egg_with_a_sperm/
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Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?

1st customer: I’ll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b2lbl/waiter_tea_or_coffee_gentlemen/
%
An old man asks his grandson "What was that German who keeps hiding my stuff called?"

The grandson replies "Alzheimer".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b2g3x/an_old_man_asks_his_grandson_what_was_that_german/
%
Why do Catholic priests like golf?

Because most of the holes are under 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b295r/why_do_catholic_priests_like_golf/
%
I just got a job at a pharmacy. The pay isn't great...

But the percs are amazing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b23hw/i_just_got_a_job_at_a_pharmacy_the_pay_isnt_great/
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Sam died...

And found himself in hell. Greeted by Satan, he started crying.
Confused, Satan asks him what's wrong?
Well, I'm in literal Hell! Answered Samuel.
Oh, it's not as bad here as you think. Tell me, do you drink?
Well, can't say I've ever spat in a glass, Samuel answered.
Oh, then you're going to love our Mondays! We have everything from mead to hard booze, liquor, whiskey, classic beer. And you don't even have to worry about getting a hungover since you're already dead!
Oh really?
Yes, by the way. Do you happen to smoke?
Well, I did tend to relax a bit between work.
Just wait for Tuesdays then! You can roll your own from all the different types of leaves, we even have cigars and also recently added e-cigs and vapes. And you don't have to worry about lung cancer since you're already dead.
Damm, I'm already starting to like being dead!
You betcha! Do you happen to use drugs?
Well, I have tried them a couple times.
Well, our Wednesdays are quite wild. We have everything from cocaine, to extacy, meth and weed. And since you are already dead, there is no worries of overdosing!
Sweet!
It's awesome isn't it. If I recall, you were quite a gambler?
That I was, good evening were spent playing poker.
Well our Thursdays might be your favorite yet then. We just recently renovated our super casino. You can play with all the slots and cards you want.
Wow, this place is like an actual paradise!
I know right, do you happen to gay?
Nope, I'm 100% straight.
Damm, I don't think you're going to like our Fridays then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b213q/sam_died/
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As a married man, the only time I get a piece of ass....

...is when my finger pokes through the toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b1xzh/as_a_married_man_the_only_time_i_get_a_piece_of/
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In Turkey, a prisoner goes to the prison library and asks for a book.

The librarian answers “Unfortunately, we do not have the book here. But the author.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b1xfn/in_turkey_a_prisoner_goes_to_the_prison_library/
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Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b1x5d/up_the_mountain_a_japanese_asked_the_wise_man/
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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it's a hardware issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b1uza/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call a parade of rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hair-line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b1ruy/what_do_you_call_a_parade_of_rabbits_marching/
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I never knew my mechanic was a psychic

until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b1q9z/i_never_knew_my_mechanic_was_a_psychic/
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An Irish father and son are drinking at their local pub

The father says, "Well, boyo, I've got some bad news. I've been to the doc, and your old Da's got cancer. Ain't got much longer now, t'aint nothin to be done."
"Da!" says the son, "That's horrible! Well, I guess we better get to drinking, then, shouldn't we?"
"Two pints of the black stuff!" Calls the father, and the two of them work on becoming well and truly drunk.
After a time, a few of their friends stumble into the bar.
"McGinty! You old eejit! Howya been you old salty bastard?!" calls one of the irishmen, "I see you got you little babby with ya!"
"Feck off, McClenahan!" the son responds. "Dontcha know that Da's got a bad dose? We just found out hes got c --"
"AIDS!" the father interrupts. "... Yes, I've got the AIDS me boys. Dunna got too much longer now."
"Well fuck me sideways McGinty! I've never heard a better reason to go on a tear! Barman, drinks!" calls McClenahan.
Sometime later, the father and son stumble away from their friends at the bar and start home.
The son looks over to the father, "You know Da, you didn't have to lie to me. AIDS, cancer - it doesn't matter, what's the difference? You'll be just as dead."
"Well me boyo," the father responds, "between me an you, it IS cancer. I just didn't want none of those dirty bastards asking after your mother when I'm gone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b1orp/an_irish_father_and_son_are_drinking_at_their/
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Whoever coined the phrase “dad bod” missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b1ju8/whoever_coined_the_phrase_dad_bod_missed_a_golden/
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A chicken walks into a library...

And says to the librarian:
"Book,Book,Book"
The librarian hands the chicken 3 books,on the way out the chicken runs into a frog .
The chicken shows the books to the frog and says
"Book,Book,Book"
The frog replies
"Reddit,Reddit,Reddit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b1jrq/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
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My brother asked if i could help him come up with a way to advertise the new vacation resort he was opening up.

I said "Brochure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b1hj7/my_brother_asked_if_i_could_help_him_come_up_with/
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A man suspects that his wife is cheating on him.

One day, he arrives home early from work, hoping to catch her in the act. He makes his way up to their 20th story apartment, and throws the door open with such force that the whole apartment shakes, and hears a gasp from his wife.
"Ah-ha!" He says, as he bolts into their bedroom, only to find his wife laying in bed, naked but alone, watching Netflix. "Hi, honey! What are you doing home from work so early?" She asks. "Oh, shut the fuck up, Susan. I know he's in here. Where's the bastard hiding!?" He replies, as he starts tearing their home apart, searching for any sign of the lover he was so sure that she had.
Despite his efforts, he finds nothing, and the man becomes quite furious. In his rage, he begins to toss everything his wife owns out of their bedroom window and onto the street below. He threw out her clothes, her laptop; even her desk and her entire wardrobe.
"I can't take it anymore! I love you too much to live without you, but it hurts too much to live with you." He says, just before throwing himself out of their bedroom window, and falling to his death. He appears in fiery environment, filled with the smell of sulfur and a relentless heat that sucks the breath right out of you, standing in a line that appears to lead up to the entrance to hell. The man in front of him turns and greets him.
"How'd you end up here with the rest of us poor slobs?" The stranger says. "I killed myself. Couldn't handle my wife's lies any longer. How about you?" He replies. "Women; can't live with them, can't live without them, amiright? And me? I was banging this guy's wife. He showed up just before we finished up, and I hid in this wardrobe. Next thing I know, I'm falling, and then I end up here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b1cgh/a_man_suspects_that_his_wife_is_cheating_on_him/
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[NSFW] A nun was alone in the church rectory

After a long day she was feeling a little horny, so with no one around she stripped naked, sat in the diocese chair and started masturbating furiously.
As she was about to climax there was a knock at the door
“Hello it’s the blind man”
She thinks it may be fun him not being able to see and so calls him in without getting dressed
The man walks in and says
“WOW NICE TITS! Where do you want the blinds”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b1c9z/nsfw_a_nun_was_alone_in_the_church_rectory/
%
I once had a dream I was swimming in an ocean full of orange soda...

... it was a Fanta Sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b19uv/i_once_had_a_dream_i_was_swimming_in_an_ocean/
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A very cold winter!

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' The man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'
This is how stock markets and currencies work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b11ne/a_very_cold_winter/
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Why does Queen Latifah hate dyslexics?

She doesn't like being called Queef Latinah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b0zbi/why_does_queen_latifah_hate_dyslexics/
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What's the difference between the Nazi Swastika and the Hindu Swastika?

The axis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b07ch/whats_the_difference_between_the_nazi_swastika/
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Doctor, on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is this tumor?

Doctor: "I'd say it's be-nine."
Patient: "Hahaha"
Doctor: "Hahahaha"
Patient: "Haha"
Doctor: "You have a month to live."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b078z/doctor_on_a_scale_of_1_to_10_how_bad_is_this_tumor/
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They should have called it Silence of the Lamps

It was a dark film

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b06yl/they_should_have_called_it_silence_of_the_lamps/
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Do you know why Africa is never in the Olympics?

Because Africa is not a country dumbass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b065o/do_you_know_why_africa_is_never_in_the_olympics/
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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."
The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?"
The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror,  "Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion... !!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
"Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b05d6/while_in_china_an_american_man_is_sexually/
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I Hate Making Freudian Slips

When you say one thing, but mean the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b04gb/i_hate_making_freudian_slips/
%
How is hummus like a golden shower?

They're both made of chickpea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9b04f6/how_is_hummus_like_a_golden_shower/
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What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a crab in a bikini?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9azt37/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_stop_and/
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You know those small sex-houses? The wooden ones, with a hole for your penis?

Apparently they are meant for birds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9azra9/you_know_those_small_sexhouses_the_wooden_ones/
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Mr. Punn could not save them

I remember years ago when in my remote town in Alaska there were 10 men stuck underground. I don't recall the circumstances that got them into this situation but it was clear that if they didn't get out soon they weren't going to make it.
All of our local rescue and public services were unable to get them out and they were running out of time. With only 18 hours remaining they sent for the only expert who could help, a rescue operations legend Mr. Punn. If he could get a plane into town it could make all the difference.
I remember gathering around the radio, biting our nails, as weather conditions worsened and threatened the planes journey.
I don't remember how long I stayed awake that night, but I will never forget the words I heard when I turned the radio on in the morning: "Punn not in, ten dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9azpmb/mr_punn_could_not_save_them/
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My wife gave birth the other day.

Turns out birth control doesn't stop a girl from getting pregnant, it just changes the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9azojj/my_wife_gave_birth_the_other_day/
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A guy walks into a bar...

He sits down at the bar, orders his drink and looks around the room.
In a booth in the back corner, he notices George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Condoleezza Rice sharing a few pitchers of beer.
He asks the bartender if it is actually them and it's confirmed.
So after about an hour and 5 beers later, he gathers the courage to go talk to them.
He walks up, introduces himself and asks them "What are you doing in a crappy bar like this?"
Cheney says "We're planning the next world war."
The guy asks "Well what did you have in mind?"
Rice says "We're gonna send 30,000 soldiers and a blonde with big tits in to invade Iraq."
Surprised by this, the guy says "Why in the hell are you sending a blonde with big tits?!"
At that moment, Bush leans forward and says to the other two "See, I told you nobody would care about the 30,000 soldiers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9azi7h/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Once upon a time, there was a boxer who always wins every single match...

When fans asked him what's his secret, he would just say, "I imagine there's a line on my opponent's face and I hit that line,". On his 100th boxing match, the whole world was watching. He lost. It was his first loss ever in his career. Fans again wondered so he was interviewed. A reporter asked how come he lost this game. "Well, I carefully looked at the opponents face," he said, "and there's no punch line".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9azfr3/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_boxer_who_always/
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When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9azf1a/when_i_was_a_child_i_remember_lying_in_bed_with/
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A black man is lost in a desert

and just before death God comes before him and asks him what he desires at this moment.
The black man says:" I want lots of water, lots of women on me and I want to be white."
God says:"  You ask and thou shall recieve."
And God turns him into a toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9azdz5/a_black_man_is_lost_in_a_desert/
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Broke

I just really hate it when homeless people shake there cups of money at me.
Do they really have to rub it in that they have more money than me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9azcp2/broke/
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An ant knocked on the door of a house.

The house owner opened the door.
"I want a place to stay," said the ant.
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free" said the owner.
Thankful, the ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.
After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the
owner, "Can you please allow this fellow ant to stay with me?"
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.
After some days the ant brought a third ant and requested the owner to allow it to stay with them.
The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.
This went on as the ant brought in more and more ants and the owner agreed to let them stay without any rent.
One fine day, the ant brought in the tenth ant and requested the owner to allow it to stay with them all.
The owner said,
"OK, you can all stay here but now you all need to pay rent...
You are now tenants".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9azawc/an_ant_knocked_on_the_door_of_a_house/
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A man walks into a bar

And he sees a 1 foot tall bloke dancing on the keyboard of a piano. He asks the bartender, "Where did you get the lil guy from?" The bartender replied "I got him from this wishing rock", gesturing to a small black rock on the counter.
The man asked if he can give it a try. The bartender said go ahead. The man picked up the rock and said "I want a million bucks". Suddenly they hear a terrifying racket outside. The man steps out and is flabbergasted to see the city overrun by ducks, hundreds of thousands of them, roosting everywhere and raining droppings on everything.
He steps back in and says "I think there's something wrong with your wishing rock".
The bartender says, "Did you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9azaa6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

...and see one old friend looking depressed at a table. Wondering what is happening, he greets him.
\- Dude what's up?
\- You won't believe what's happening to me. Two weeks ago, someone broke into my car and stole my brand new radio.
\- Any damage to the car?
\- Not at all. So I went to the store and bought a new one. And then last week, it happens again! I had spend $600 for two car radios I barely use. In fact, I only use it to learn abount traffic jams I am already stuck in... So I decided to not buy a third one. I also put a cardboard sign behind my windshield saying "NO RADIO IN THIS CAR".
\- So what's the matter?
\- This morning, I found out my car was stolen, and on the floor was my sign, where the bastard wrote "DON'T WORRY, I'LL PUT ONE IN"!
PS : I translated this joke I know in french, hope I didn't make any huge mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9az9cp/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did Luke Skywalker never marry?

Because he was busy riding Solo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9az9c8/why_did_luke_skywalker_never_marry/
%
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college."
"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9az8ae/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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Nakamushi! Nakamushi!

A businessman is on his first trip to Japan. To relax himself the night before his big meeting he gets a call girl. While he’s banging her she keeps on screaming
“Nakamushi! Nakamushi!” which he assumes is a complement on his sexual prowess.
The next his meeting goes well and he’s invited to play golf with the Japanese CEO. The CEO sinks a particular long putt for a birdie and the businessman thinks ‘I’ll impress him with some Japanese’ so he applauds the CEO and says
“Nakamushi! Nakamushi!” But the CEO frowns at him and says
“What do you mean ‘Wrong hole! Wrong hole’?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9az790/nakamushi_nakamushi/
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What's the definition of a Professional Farmer?

Someone out standing in their field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9az679/whats_the_definition_of_a_professional_farmer/
%
A man is driving home with his wife and the dog.

After some time he sees a frog in the middle of the road. He stops the car, gets the frog and puts him in the grass near by the road.
Suddenly the frog starts to speak: "Today is your lucky day, im a magic frog and you were so kind to me that i grant you one wish."
The man says: "Very well, you see my dog is severely handicapped. It would be nice if you could heal him." - "Ok then bring me the dog", the frog replies.
The man gets the dog. The dog has only three legs, one ear, two tails, three eyes and no tongue.
"OK thats a little extreme. I think i cant do this. Do you have another wish?", the frog asks.
The man i thinking for a while, calls his wife and says: "Ok then i ask you to make my wife pretty."
The frog looks at the wife for a while and replies: "So you want your dog healed right?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9az2ec/a_man_is_driving_home_with_his_wife_and_the_dog/
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A corny joke.

How did the Scarecrow become a.           neurosurgeon so fast? It's because he was amazing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9az0yp/a_corny_joke/
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What did Hitler say to the driver when he got lost trying to invade France?

"take the third Reich"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ayyq5/what_did_hitler_say_to_the_driver_when_he_got/
%
Lots of balls?

What has a lot of little balls and is always screwing old women?
A bingo machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ayyjf/lots_of_balls/
%
A mugger held a couple.

While pointing a gun and taking their valuables, he asked them:
Mugger: What's your name?
Woman: My name is Donna.
Mugger: You have a name like my mother. I will not kill you then. And you? (Asking the other)
Man: My name is Dave, but my friends call me Donna, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ayxt5/a_mugger_held_a_couple/
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A married couple has two beautiful children.

They are getting a third one but this time the child is super ugly.
So the man asks his wife: "Honey, did you cheat on me?"
The woman replies: "Not this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ayx1p/a_married_couple_has_two_beautiful_children/
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A man checks into a hotel on a business trip

The hotel is one of the most resplendent hotels imaginable, a surprise as the man was expecting rather bland accommodation. As comes with such high standards, there is a computer in the man's room.
He decides to send an e-mail to his wife, but unfortunately typed in the wrong messaging address, and the e-mail was sent to a widow who had just come from her husband's burial.
She reads the e-mail expecting a condolence message. After reading the message, the woman faints. Her son rushes into the kitchen upon hearing the noise, found his mother on the floor and this message on her computer screen:
"To my darling wife,
I know you are surprised to hear from me, but they have computers here and we can send messages to loved ones. How are you and the kids? I've just settled in. It's much nicer here than I thought it would be, but I am lonely, so I have made special arrangements for your arrival tomorrow. See you soon, my dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aywog/a_man_checks_into_a_hotel_on_a_business_trip/
%
A young, poor boy approaches a cheesemaker...

A young, poor boy approaches a cheesemaker.
"Sir, I am very hungry.  I am willing to clean your entire cheese shop for a pound of cheddar. "
The cheesemaker thinks for a moment, decides, and nods.  "Forthwith!"
The little boy grabs a broom and vigilantly begins cleaning.
At the end of the day, the little boy shows the cheesemaker his fine work.  The cheesemaker, approving of the poor boy's efforts, hands him a pound of Swiss cheese.
"But I said I would clean your shop for a pound of cheddar!" protested the boy.
And the cheesemaker replies, "And I thaid for thwith."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aywj5/a_young_poor_boy_approaches_a_cheesemaker/
%
Boy George would be a wonderful reddit user.

He would get a lot of karma karma karma karma karma chameleon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ayv0p/boy_george_would_be_a_wonderful_reddit_user/
%
A lady sneezes on a plane

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ays91/a_lady_sneezes_on_a_plane/
%
What did the 0 say to the 8?

Why is your belt so tight?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ayn4v/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
%
When does a joke become r/dadjokes?

When it becomes apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aymwf/when_does_a_joke_become_rdadjokes/
%
what does it feel like to join a suicide bomb squad?

I don't know, you'll have to C4 yourself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ayjmx/what_does_it_feel_like_to_join_a_suicide_bomb/
%
A dyslexic plumber had a bad day.

He hated his disorder because it made him sound unprofessional when speaking to his clients.
First, he visited the home of a soccer mom with a broken dishwasher. "Are you the woman with the busted wishdasher?" he asked. She was, and she didn't correct him so as not to offend him. He fixed the appliance, got paid, and left.
Next, he went to an old man's house. When he showed up he asked about the job, but messed the words up again. "You're the guy with the pipey leaks, right?" The old man didn't even seem to notice, but the plumber realized he'd made the mistake and corrected himself. "That is, leaky pipes..."
The plumber fixed the pipes, got paid, and left to his next job.
The last job of the day was at a house that had just been sold to a gay guy. The plumber had never met him before, but tried to keep things as professional as possible. The man's kitchen sink was filled with water that wouldn't go down, so the plumber got on the floor to check the U-Trap. Before he got up, he explained what he needed to do and how much the price would be.
"Alright, I'm gonna give you a deal since you're new in town. I'll drain your snake for only $100."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aygho/a_dyslexic_plumber_had_a_bad_day/
%
Do you think back in the day people would write each other jokes by carrier pigeons?

Like would they get them or would it just fly over their heads?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ayelj/do_you_think_back_in_the_day_people_would_write/
%
Waitress, this coffee tastes like dirt!

Of course sir, it was just ground this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ayd5h/waitress_this_coffee_tastes_like_dirt/
%
I've decided to start planning ahead

So far I'm thinking two ears, maybe a nose... Annnnd 3? No, 4 eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ay9r4/ive_decided_to_start_planning_ahead/
%
As a kid I was made to walk the plank

We couldn't afford a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ay8qh/as_a_kid_i_was_made_to_walk_the_plank/
%
During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries”

Apparently “through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ay4a5/during_my_job_interview_i_was_asked_after_a_long/
%
Why is Alzheimer's better than Parkinson's?

Because it's no big deal to forget a beer but a tragedy to spill a beer.
.
.
.
That's Bavarian dark humor for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ay2nb/why_is_alzheimers_better_than_parkinsons/
%
How do you get a thousand Pikachus on a bus?

Pokemon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ay2el/how_do_you_get_a_thousand_pikachus_on_a_bus/
%
I unexpectedly had a good time today.

I was sitting next to a blonde on the train and as my station was coming up I said;
"Please excuse me, I'd like to get off".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ay2bj/i_unexpectedly_had_a_good_time_today/
%
There have been no major protests against former Park Geun-hye's imprisonment.

No Free Park-ing in South Korea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ay01o/there_have_been_no_major_protests_against_former/
%
The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.
She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies each had a bullet in their bodies.
The doctor said that they should be fine, but there are risks and they'll be operated when their bodies are mature enough.
Fast forward to 15 years, one day the first daughter comes up to her mother and tells her that she was taking a leak and she felt a shot of pain in her abdomen, and surprisingly, it was the bullet.
The mother told her what happened 15 years ago.
The second daughter and she had the same story and the mother told her everything.
This time, the son approached, the mom hesitated and asked, ' Lemme guess, you were taking a leak and you felt a shot of pain before a bullet came out?" The son replied,
"No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9axzfs/the_pregnant_lady_and_the_serial_killer/
%
I went for an early walk through the cemetery yesterday.

And as I walked I saw a man squatting behind a gravestone. “Morning” I said to him, to which he replied “no, just taking a shit”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9axyhj/i_went_for_an_early_walk_through_the_cemetery/
%
My sign is Sagittarius

I like being the Centaur of attention

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9axyeu/my_sign_is_sagittarius/
%
England doesn’t have a kidney bank...

But it does have a Liverpool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9axwil/england_doesnt_have_a_kidney_bank/
%
My dad is like the reposts on this sub.

I see him on a regular basis and he stopped being funny a long time ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9axqve/my_dad_is_like_the_reposts_on_this_sub/
%
Grandmas...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9axohz/grandmas/
%
I guess that people that got whiplash...

Were travelling at "breakneck" speed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9axo39/i_guess_that_people_that_got_whiplash/
%
I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9axnj8/i_was_feeling_lonely_so_i_bought_some_shares/
%
My wife left me for her lesbian lover

I guess this is a case of scissors beating rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9axj4u/my_wife_left_me_for_her_lesbian_lover/
%
My life is like /r/jokes.

More or less the same shit every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9axge7/my_life_is_like_rjokes/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When his wife gives birth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9axet0/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
My track and field team complained that the hurdles were too short

But I'm not worried, they'll get over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9axcv7/my_track_and_field_team_complained_that_the/
%
"Wanna hear a knock knock joke?"

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"The man with Alzheimer's."
"The man with Alzheimer's who?"
"Wanna hear a knock knock joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9axaby/wanna_hear_a_knock_knock_joke/
%
A cow stumbles into pot field,

The steaks have never been higher.
(Not original from the road sign from somewhere )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ax4wj/a_cow_stumbles_into_pot_field/
%
I Germans and an Italian

At the end of WW2, as the Allies were starting to win, there were 3 prisoners of war held together in a cell.  Two were German officers and one an Italian soldier.  The men were to be held for questioning.
The first day the Allied soldiers took the first German in to be questioned. The guards sit him in a chair and tie his arm behind him so he can't move.  They pressed and pressed but after hours of interrogation he finally cracks and gives away some key troop positioning.  The intel is confirmed good and he is thrown back in the cell only a little worse for ware.
The next day they decide to take in the second German officer.  In the same manner as the first they sit him down, tie him up and begin the interrogation.  They spend hours trying to get him to crack but with some physical convincing he gives up the cypher key he knows.  The guards then toss him back in the cell, a little beaten but nothing too bad.
On the third day the guards take away the Italian.  They take the entire day trying to get him to crack but no amount of convincing or torture will even get a word from his lips.  At the end of the day with nothing to show the toss the nearly beaten to death Italian back in the cell.  The guard says "You WILL talk tomorrow"
Thoroughly impressed by the Italians devotion to the cause the Germans ask how he kept his secrets.
The Italian says: "How do they expect me to talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ax113/i_germans_and_an_italian/
%
3 guys were riding in a car; a hardware technician, a systems analyst and a programmer.

The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, he pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "
Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ax0cz/3_guys_were_riding_in_a_car_a_hardware_technician/
%
How does a girl get a mink?

The same way that a mink gets a mink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9awz2s/how_does_a_girl_get_a_mink/
%
What do you call a fake noodle

An Impasta!!!
Sorry lol
Edit- getting lots of downvotes. I get it, it's a stupid joke but i'm just trying make people laugh. Maybe even chuckle a little bit:) hope everyone is having a good day and if your day was shitty I hope it gets better:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9awz2a/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
I heard Sodium Chloride was charged with a felony!

Yes, it was a salt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9awyxo/i_heard_sodium_chloride_was_charged_with_a_felony/
%
Why are amputees the easiest to subdue?

They’re always unarmed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9awt8b/why_are_amputees_the_easiest_to_subdue/
%
A penis says to his balls, “I’ll take you two to a party.” The balls replied, “you fuckin’ liar‽!! –

– ...you always go inside alone and leave us outside knocking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aws72/a_penis_says_to_his_balls_ill_take_you_two_to_a/
%
My friend said his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away.

That just seems a little far-fetched to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aws3d/my_friend_said_his_dog_could_retrieve_a_stick/
%
I told my wife so many cheesy jokes

That she called me a muenster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9awrdr/i_told_my_wife_so_many_cheesy_jokes/
%
My job circumcising elephants doesn’t pay much.

But the tips are huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9awqn6/my_job_circumcising_elephants_doesnt_pay_much/
%
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak

with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9awllk/a_man_went_to_the_police_station_wishing_to_speak/
%
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest

, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9awleo/a_married_irishman_went_into_the_confessional_and/
%
Orion’s Belt is a big waste of space.

That was a terrible joke.  Three stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9awkx4/orions_belt_is_a_big_waste_of_space/
%
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every day.

One day he told her, "You have been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were there. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were there. You know what?" "What is it, dear?" she asked. He responded, "I think you bring me bad luck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9awioq/a_womans_husband_had_been_slipping_in_and_out_of/
%
Going around corners too fast...

...that's how I roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9awgfb/going_around_corners_too_fast/
%
Why are U2 fans happy to work for free?

Because they are pro Bono.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9awd90/why_are_u2_fans_happy_to_work_for_free/
%
My local beauty shop was broken into last night.

CCTV footage shows a suspect moonwalking out carrying a large amount of moisturising cream.
The officer at the scene told the shop owner "You've been struck by, a smooth criminal".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9awa2p/my_local_beauty_shop_was_broken_into_last_night/
%
It’s a Mob boss’ 80th birthday

Three henchmen gathered around to see what they should do for his 80th. One of the henchmen says
“The boss is old, he hasn’t seen many women.”
Another henchman says
“We should get him something super”
The third henchman says
“Maybe a stripper?”
All of the henchmen say at once
“A super-stripper! Great idea!”
They all go to a exclusive club and they sit the boss down, the henchmen pitch their idea,
“Hey boss, considering we are at a club and it’s your 80th birthday, we got you a super-stripper!”
The boss, who is hard of hearing, replies
“A what?”
The henchmen all yell
“A SUPER-STRIPPER”
The boss says back to all three henchmen,
“I’ll take the soup”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aw9ou/its_a_mob_boss_80th_birthday/
%
My doctor has just diagnosed me as having low blood pressure.

He’s given me a prescription for two Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aw8fc/my_doctor_has_just_diagnosed_me_as_having_low/
%
My dad is a pediatric chiropractor

He’s never done anything too major but he’s really good with minor adjustments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aw7yr/my_dad_is_a_pediatric_chiropractor/
%
A girl in a restaurant asked me, "are you single?". I happily replied, "yes".

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avwzy/a_girl_in_a_restaurant_asked_me_are_you_single_i/
%
Pussy Green

A man went to Confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
"Father it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Pussy Green last week."
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go and say three Hail Mary's.
Another man entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I had sex with Pussy Green twice in the last week."
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Pussy Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the man replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, gorgeous woman entered the church. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly walked up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress sat with her legs spread slightly apart, just enough to show that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Pussy Green?"
The altar boy replied:
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from the stained glass window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avtjd/pussy_green/
%
Why is the Devil masculine?

He’s evil with a D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avstb/why_is_the_devil_masculine/
%
An officer officer say to a man

Officer: I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.
Man: yeah but she has a great personality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avnn5/an_officer_officer_say_to_a_man/
%
What do you call a selfish sponge?

Self absorbed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avnhr/what_do_you_call_a_selfish_sponge/
%
Why was Walter able to commit so much crime for so long on Breaking Bad without getting caught?

White privilege.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avnh9/why_was_walter_able_to_commit_so_much_crime_for/
%
Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A: I don't know, and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avmfq/q_whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
%
What's the Opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avju7/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeves/
%
A man with terminal cancer robbed a bank and was sent to prison.

A fellow inmate asked him, "Why did you commit this crime? You can't take money with you into the afterlife, and now you're going to spend your last days in prison!"
The man replied, "I knew I was going to get caught. That's the point! My doctor gave me six months, but the judge gave me thirty years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avhda/a_man_with_terminal_cancer_robbed_a_bank_and_was/
%
Going to Vegas is a lot like dating a stripper

At first it's amazing! She's so hot and fun, and you feel so alive when you're with her.
As time roles on, you start to realize she's a little bit crazy. She's always dragging you around to clubs and shows, and everywhere you go she's trying to get you drunk. Eventually, you start to suspect that she has a coke problem because you've never seen her sleep and money keeps disappearing from your wallet.
By the time you're done, your glad to be rid of her if only because you won't have to listen to that shitty pop music she's always playing.
You don't regret the time you spent with her. It was a lot of fun while it lasted, and years from now you'll still recall with a smile that crazy week you spent together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avgef/going_to_vegas_is_a_lot_like_dating_a_stripper/
%
Ok Google , tell me a joke

Google : “Your privacy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avgd1/ok_google_tell_me_a_joke/
%
The other day I found a spider in my shoes

He looked so stupid. They were way too big for him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avfyq/the_other_day_i_found_a_spider_in_my_shoes/
%
A man walks into a bar with two women yelling at him.

The bartender gets annoyed at this, and promptly kicks them out. Afterwards, the bartender walks up to the man and says, "honestly, fuck both of them." To which the man responds, "Well, I did, that's why they're so angry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avdri/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_two_women_yelling_at/
%
You guys know what Mario's favorite type of pants are?

*Denim Denim Denim*
edit - say it out loud if you aren't getting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avc2j/you_guys_know_what_marios_favorite_type_of_pants/
%
I have a joke for you

The government in this country is excellent, and uses your tax dollars efficiently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9avalm/i_have_a_joke_for_you/
%
What do you call an Indian music teacher?

Ms. Singh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9av8zj/what_do_you_call_an_indian_music_teacher/
%
Want to hear a Swedish joke?

Nevermind. There’s Norway I could Finnish it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9av8xm/want_to_hear_a_swedish_joke/
%
A chicken and an egg are in bed

together.
The chicken has her arms crossed and is glaring at the egg.
The egg has an amused look on his face and is smoking a cigarette.
After few moments the chicken says:
“Well I guess we answered THAT question.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9av7rx/a_chicken_and_an_egg_are_in_bed/
%
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look great?

Add a nipple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9av6l2/how_do_you_make_5_pounds_of_fat_look_great/
%
People need to stop joking about ligma, it’s a distasteful joke and it really makes me sad...

Especially since my grandpa died of sucma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9av5lg/people_need_to_stop_joking_about_ligma_its_a/
%
An elderly man in Florida had owned a farm for many, many years

. It had a large pond in the back
that was perfect for swimming, so he fixed it up
with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
orange and lime trees. One afternoon the old
farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over since he hadn't been there for a while and
grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some
fruit
As he neared the pond, he heard voices and
laughter. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch
of young women from the local college
skinny-dipping in his pond. He said "Hi there."
trying not to scare them but make them aware of
his presence
Squealing, they all swam over to the deep end and
one of the women yelled at him "We're not coming
out of this pond until after you leave." The old man
frowned "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies skinny dip or make you get out of the pond
naked." Then, holding the bucket up, he said: "Im
just here to feed the alligator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9av45s/an_elderly_man_in_florida_had_owned_a_farm_for/
%
I like my women like my Little Caesar’s pizza

Hot and ready

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9av0sr/i_like_my_women_like_my_little_caesars_pizza/
%
What do you call a robber with good skin?

A Smooth Criminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9av0it/what_do_you_call_a_robber_with_good_skin/
%
Dave: Excuse me, sir, is this carrot genetically modified?

Clerk: No, why do you ask?
Carrot: No, really, why do you ask?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9av0gd/dave_excuse_me_sir_is_this_carrot_genetically/
%
What did the Beaver say to the Platypus?

"Holy duck, Bill, we have the same fucking tail!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9av0as/what_did_the_beaver_say_to_the_platypus/
%
They told me to dress for the job that I want

but apparently if you want a blowjob you should not walk up to strangers naked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9auz2m/they_told_me_to_dress_for_the_job_that_i_want/
%
What do lawyers do with a injured leg

They put it in attorney-quet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9auxsg/what_do_lawyers_do_with_a_injured_leg/
%
What do you call a stoner who is also a nudist?

Smokey the bare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aux6j/what_do_you_call_a_stoner_who_is_also_a_nudist/
%
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9auvs6/funny_that_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_tons_of_girls/
%
What do you call it when Thomas the Tank Engine beats his wife?

Domestic Caboose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9autpw/what_do_you_call_it_when_thomas_the_tank_engine/
%
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian

then soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9autaz/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
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Kenny the Rooster

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, “Yep, I’ve got this great rooster, named Kenny. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. “I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job.! So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.!
Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhhh .. they’re getting closer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aup5s/kenny_the_rooster/
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We should stop...

Guy : We should stop testing our products on animal.
Boss : but why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.
Guy : but we manufacture washing machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9auolr/we_should_stop/
%
"Sir, we're mining too many useless mineral ores."

Hitler: "Mine less, then."
Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER."
Hitler looks over: "Yes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9auit1/sir_were_mining_too_many_useless_mineral_ores/
%
Sometimes I envy Julius Caesar...

He died surrounded by all of his friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9auhpd/sometimes_i_envy_julius_caesar/
%
It really annoys me when people say that Hitler did nothing wrong.

I mean, he lost the war

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9augql/it_really_annoys_me_when_people_say_that_hitler/
%
Jesus is hanging on the cross...

He sees Judas in the crowd and calls for him. Judas hears and walks toward Jesus. The guards tell Judas he cannot pass, so he walks back into the crowd. Moments later Jesus calls for him again, so Judas tries to push his way through the guards. They beat him and push him back into the crowd. Moments later, Jesus calls for Judas once again! Judas thinks to himself, "I betrayed Jesus already, I cannot betray him again." He approaches the guards, and they beat him again; this time breaking his ribs and one of his legs. He somehow manages to get through the guards and is on his knees in front of Jesus' cross. "I'm here Jesus, what is it you need?", says Judas.
Jesus replies, "Oh hey Judas, I can see your house from here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aufda/jesus_is_hanging_on_the_cross/
%
Why does the dyslexic guy have to work every Christmas?

He sold his soul to Santa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9au8sh/why_does_the_dyslexic_guy_have_to_work_every/
%
Reminded of a variation of the Bee Pee joke

As we all know the majority of bees (Around 99 out of 100), when they need the toilet, always go to the BP station. The last for some unknown reason goes to the Esso Station.
Ah Well, I guess there's always one S.O.B in every crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9au8bd/reminded_of_a_variation_of_the_bee_pee_joke/
%
If Alex Jones and Chris Brown were both on fire and you only had one fire extinguisher...

Where would you hide it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9au809/if_alex_jones_and_chris_brown_were_both_on_fire/
%
What’s 2000lbs of Chinese soup called?

Won-ton soup!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9au745/whats_2000lbs_of_chinese_soup_called/
%
Why doesn’t Jesus eat M&Ms ?

They fall through those holes in his hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9au5u7/why_doesnt_jesus_eat_mms/
%
Science joke

What is the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can’t hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9au4tw/science_joke/
%
If a wedding goes off without a hitch

Did anyone get married?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9au2rz/if_a_wedding_goes_off_without_a_hitch/
%
I failed my Spanish exam today.

Sacre bleu!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9au0a8/i_failed_my_spanish_exam_today/
%
What do you call two pigs having sex?

Makin' bacon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9atzgs/what_do_you_call_two_pigs_having_sex/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession

She said "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a transformer".
I said "But baby, I can change".
She said "There you go again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9atx69/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_of_my/
%
A doctor overhears two 8 year olds on hospital beds next to each other

The first one leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kids says, "I'm here to get my tonsils removed, I'm a little scared."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about, I did that when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice cream, and it's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid gasps, "Woah, good luck buddy, I had that done a long time ago..."
"**I couldn't walk for a year"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9atvg3/a_doctor_overhears_two_8_year_olds_on_hospital/
%
I got kicked out of my gym in the middle of kickboxing class

Turns out they do not have kickboxing classes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9atsaz/i_got_kicked_out_of_my_gym_in_the_middle_of/
%
My vegetarian friend

believes that animals don't deserve to just die for our food, and she always lectures everybody about it. One day, I caught her having a Carribean takeaway, which was clearly chicken, so I did what she would've done and started going on about how that chicken didn't deserve to die just for her dinner.
She then said,
"If the menu said 'kind chicken' or 'loving chicken', then I wouldn't be eating it, but it says right here- 'Jerk chicken'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9atr8u/my_vegetarian_friend/
%
How do you make a hormone?

Don’t pay her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9atofj/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
Tom Clancy and Tom Cruise got in a fight.

One of then put up a novel fight and the other came up short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9atkcl/tom_clancy_and_tom_cruise_got_in_a_fight/
%
Hear about the tennis players that didn’t score?

Ya, well, they still made love

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9atik1/hear_about_the_tennis_players_that_didnt_score/
%
I’ve been on a tequila diet...

And I’ve lost 4 days already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9atif0/ive_been_on_a_tequila_diet/
%
Dyslexic guy walk into a bra

Good thing there was no one in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9athu8/dyslexic_guy_walk_into_a_bra/
%
If only all antivaxxers would step on a rusty nail.

That would force them to shut their fucking mouths.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9athic/if_only_all_antivaxxers_would_step_on_a_rusty_nail/
%
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college

I am forever in your debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ataue/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/
%
You've heard of alphabet soup

But have you heard of.. Times New Ramen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9at98o/youve_heard_of_alphabet_soup/
%
A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven’t ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no.
The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, “Nothing.” The doctor is really puzzled now and says, “You can’t not do anything. What do you do at home all day?”
The man replies, “Honestly, doc I, don’t do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9at59v/a_man_goes_to_see_the_doctor_and_tells_the_doc/
%
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9asy4v/if_queen_elizabeth_accidentally_farts_during/
%
So you're telling me you don't like foreplay...

but you let your dishes soak for days before finally doing them?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ast7l/so_youre_telling_me_you_dont_like_foreplay/
%
When my friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo ...

... I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9assu6/when_my_friend_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a/
%
Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray."

Blonde: "I've never dated anyone by that name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9asqtc/doctor_im_just_waiting_for_your_xray/
%
Political joke competition in the USSR

Grand prize: 15 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aspj4/political_joke_competition_in_the_ussr/
%
A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$

Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a $1, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar without buying any apples, well-" The woman cuts him off: "No, I am not the least bit interested, apples now cost $2 instead of one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9asmzg/a_woman_opens_up_a_stand_near_the_train_station/
%
What do the Titanic and Sixth Sense have in common

Icy Dead People

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aslcj/what_do_the_titanic_and_sixth_sense_have_in_common/
%
Two fishes are in a tank

One says, “You man the guns, i’ll drive”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ask8b/two_fishes_are_in_a_tank/
%
A father is waiting for his newborn child outside a hospital

A doctor comes out holding the child by the leg, and walks over to the man. The father asks: "Is it a girl or a boy?". But the doctor smashes the baby on the concrete wall, and the father faints. The father wakes up on a hospital bed in a room, and the doctor is staring at him with a grin. The doctor says: "Alright alright i was joking, the baby was dead before it was even born".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ashq8/a_father_is_waiting_for_his_newborn_child_outside/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an Itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aseig/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Baking a Cake

A father and his son take a trip to the zoo. They are walking around to each exhibit and soon realise they came to the zoo in the middle of mating season.
The son was very young and every exhibit throughout the day he asked his dad the same question. "Dad what are those animals doing?" "Oh don't worry son, their just baking a cake." Was the father's reply.
The next morning the father is woken up by his son who is jumping up and down with excitement.
Son: "Daddy daddy! GUESS WHAT!?"
Father: "What's going on buddy everything ok?"
Son: "I know what you and mommy were doing last night!"
Father: "Oh really now, what were we doing?"
Son: "You were baking a cake!"
Father: "How did you figure that one out son?"
Son: "Because I licked the frosting off the couch!"
Had to share this old joke. Enjoy sorry for formatting typed this on my phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9asa7y/baking_a_cake/
%
A gang of midget burglars broke into a butchers but fled empty handed.

It seems the steaks were too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9asa40/a_gang_of_midget_burglars_broke_into_a_butchers/
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How is God just like a regular man?

If you’re not on your knees, he’s not interested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9as88c/how_is_god_just_like_a_regular_man/
%
I thought my doctor was helping me with these lumbar injections...

But come to find out, he was just stabbing me in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9as074/i_thought_my_doctor_was_helping_me_with_these/
%
The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut.
Due to popular demand, **EDIT**: metaphors*... Freakin' grammar nazis... On a second thought, maybe grammar also played a role in my rejection, who knows...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9artm8/the_editor_rejected_my_book_he_said_my_metaphores/
%
With great power

Comes great electricity bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9arqip/with_great_power/
%
A man was crossing the countryside in his car.

He had already been on the road for some time and he had a good way still to go when his motor hiccuped and died, and refused to start again.
The man popped the hood open and spent a few moments just cursing about the situation and trying to fix the engine, but he was no mechanic, so it seemed like futile effort. His cell phone wasn't picking up any signal, there were no other drivers on the road and the closest gas station was too far away to reach in a day's walk.
When the man started losing hope, he noticed a horse trotting towards him. It was white with a dark patch on his forehead. The horse stopped a few feet away from him, curiously looking over. It almost looked like it was looking into the engine. The man chuckled to himself about the mental image of a horse mechanic and went back to the car to try to start again. Suddenly the horse spoke.
"Seems to be the carburetor," he said, and with those words, he took off and carried on trotting towards the sundown.
The man, too flabbergasted to say anything back in time, exited the car, carefully checked the carburetor and finally noticed something he hadn't noticed before. He fixed the car and in no time was carrying on with his journey. He still couldn't believe that a talking horse had just helped him fix his car, so he decided to stop at the nearest gas station and tell the first person he met about it.
After about 60 miles he reached the gas station and first thing he did was walk up to the gas station attendant and blurt out everything he just experienced.
The attendant was listening intently and when the man finished talking, he asked:
"Was it a white horse with a black patch on his forehead?"
"Yeah," said the man.
"Well then you can be glad you ran into that one. There are also a couple of those dapple gray fuckers running around giving advice and those don't know jack shit about cars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9arps7/a_man_was_crossing_the_countryside_in_his_car/
%
I asked a millennial hipster yoga teacher to leave the room...

He said: "Nah a ma stay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9arlip/i_asked_a_millennial_hipster_yoga_teacher_to/
%
A woman goes to the doctor

and says, “I’m a little embarrassed, but every time I go to the bathroom, I pee nickels, dimes, and quarters. What is wrong with me?”
The doctor answers her, “There’s nothing wrong with you miss. You’re just going through the change. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9arkfn/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
I hope that when I die it’s during sex

I want to go out with a bang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9arhcx/i_hope_that_when_i_die_its_during_sex/
%
Why are all jewish boys circumcised?

Because jewish women love things 20% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9arfrt/why_are_all_jewish_boys_circumcised/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because i stole her wheelchair.

I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ard0x/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_stole/
%
The head of KFC called the Pope

He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 10 million.
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 100 million.
The Pope said, "You have a deal!"
The Pope got all the churches big wigs together and said, "I have good news and bad news.  Good news is, we are 100 million richer.  Bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ar3qj/the_head_of_kfc_called_the_pope/
%
Did you all hear Alex Jones likes Transgender Adult films?

Looks like the shoe's on the other futa now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aqvpg/did_you_all_hear_alex_jones_likes_transgender/
%
What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aqv07/what_do_you_call_an_attorney_with_an_iq_of_50/
%
What math class do gender studies majors take?

Triggernometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aqtqy/what_math_class_do_gender_studies_majors_take/
%
I slept with a blind girl last night - she told me I have the biggest dick she has ever touched...

I said you’re pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aqsrn/i_slept_with_a_blind_girl_last_night_she_told_me/
%
A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aqret/a_woman_was_accused_of_snorting_a_family_members/
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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because this stupid parrot keeps reposting crappy jokes" said the pet store employee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aqn55/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
%
What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One is an elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aqlma/whats_the_difference_between_an_indian_and_an/
%
Did you hear about the two lesbians who built a house?

It was all tongue and groove, not a stud in the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aql6u/did_you_hear_about_the_two_lesbians_who_built_a/
%
A guy notices a crowd of women at the end of the bar

Curious, he walks toward the end and sees an immensely ugly guy being hit on by several ladies. He sits next to another fella and asks "So, what's this guy's deal? Is he rich or famous?" "Dunno," says the other guy, "he just sits there licking his eyebrows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aqgzs/a_guy_notices_a_crowd_of_women_at_the_end_of_the/
%
I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me:

ARE YOU STILL HOLDING THE FUCKING LADDER?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aqbom/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandfather_said_to/
%
An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.
He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.
"Why did you stop me you old fool?"
"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old man exclaims with a booming voice.
"I have nothing to live for anymore! Just let me end it!"
"Listen my son. I'm Santa Claus and I'm just here on vacation. But if you'd like, tell me what the problem is and maybe we can fix it." Said the old man with genuine concern.
"OK Santa, I'll tell you" the businessman shrugged "I used to be a really successful businessman. I had it all, amazing cars, beautiful women, loads of money. But now I lost it all thanks to the stock market crash. So I have nothing to live for."
"That's what got you in such melancholy? My boy, my boy! Tomorrow morning at 10, come here on this bridge and there will be a brand new Lamborghini waiting just for you!"
The businessman is surprised, then ecstatic. He grabs Santa and kisses him on both cheeks and then starts crying with joy. They sit down and talk for a while. But when they start discussing women, the businessman is depressed again.
"Oh Santa, I used to be such a playboy. Every single night I would bring home at least 2 different stunning and beautiful girls. Now, and at my age, I'll be lucky to find a mediocre girlfriend."
"That's what got you worried? Don't pout my son. In the Lamborghini tomorrow there will be 4 beautiful women waiting for you. They are all yours!"
The man starts hugging Santa again and says
"I'm sorry Santa, maybe it's too much, but since you are doing all this for me, could you give me back at least part of my wealth? I wasn't a greedy asshole like the rest of them. I used to spend it left and right and give to charities. I just enjoyed making people happy, and I'd like that back again."
"Sure my boy. One of the women tomorrow will have a suitcase with 1 billion dollars in it. It's all yours!"
"Oh thank you Santa, thank you so much. How could I ever repay you?"
"Well, there's one thing... I kinda miss my wife who had to stay at the North Pole, and especially... well this is embarassing... her blowjobs that she gave me every night. Would you give me a blowjob?"
The businessman is dumbfounded at first, but quickly steels himself
"Santa, you didn't just save my life, you gave it back to me as well. What you ask is the least I can do and I will gladly do it!"
"Brilliant my boy. My hotel isn't far from here. Follow me."
Santa leads the businessman to a hotel a couple blocks away. They go into Santa's bedroom and the businessman drops to his knees, unbuckles Santa's pants and goes to work. After they finish up, the business man goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Santa leans at the door and asks:
"My boy, you never told me your name"
"I'm Alex, Santa"
"Nice to meet you Alex. Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm nearly 50, Santa"
"And in these 50 years of life, did it never occur to you Alex, that Santa Claus might not be real?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aq840/an_exbusinessman_now_bankrupt_is_preparing_to/
%
If you ever see an baby owl in a toilet don't flush...

Because you aren't supposed to flush moist owelettes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aq3in/if_you_ever_see_an_baby_owl_in_a_toilet_dont_flush/
%
How do you react when an anti vaxxer wants to speak to you?

You give them a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9apypt/how_do_you_react_when_an_anti_vaxxer_wants_to/
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What's the difference between spitting, swallowing and gargling?

Love, true love, expert technique.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9apxuc/whats_the_difference_between_spitting_swallowing/
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A stop sign in the country

A lawyer from the big city was traveling through a small town in the countryside when he came upon a stop sign. He slowed down and after seeing the way was clear went right on through the stop.
Suddenly a cop comes flying up on him from nowhere and pulls him over.
The countryside cop walks up to his car and spits his chewing tobacco out and says “license and reg-e-stration please sir”
The lawyer thinks to himself that he is surely smarter than some country hick and decides he is gonna outsmart this cop. He asks “What seems to be the problem officer?”
The officer says “You didn’t stop at that there stop sign yonder ways down the road. License and reg-e-stration please”
The lawyer says “I slowed down before coming to it and there was nobody coming.”
The cop says “I ain’t the same as stoppin’, now are you gonn give me your papers or not?”
The lawyer says “I’ll make a deal with you officer, if you can explain to me the difference between stopping and slowing down then I will not only pay your fine, but I will pay double. However, if you can’t explain the difference then I go free with no ticket at all. Does that sound fair to you?”
The cop thinks about it for a moment and says “Alright. I’m gonna have to ask you to get out of your car so I can explain it better.”
The lawyer gets out of his car and then the officer jumps on the lawyer and starts to just whoppin him. He is laying into the lawyer like nobody’s business. Gave him a black eye and a split lip before the lawyer even knew what happened.
In a daze and being held up by his collar the lawyer was asked by the cop “I have a question for you Mr. High-and-mighty-city-man, Do you want me to stop kicking your ass or should I just slow it down?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aps2z/a_stop_sign_in_the_country/
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Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.
Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9apqy0/man_arrested_for_selling_eternal_youth_pills/
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**Teacher:** "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

**Student:** "Meat!"
**Teacher:** "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
**Student:** "Bacon!"
**Teacher:** "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
**Student:** "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9apq3k/teacher_kids_what_does_the_chicken_give_you/
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Four kids were being tried in court after some foul behavior at the zoo.

The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done.
The first child stepped forward and said, "My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."
The next said, "My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Billy," said the third kid, "and I also threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
The fourth child then stepped forward and said, "My name is Peanuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9appyp/four_kids_were_being_tried_in_court_after_some/
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Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.

Oxytocin is known to increase erotic vocalizations during sex. Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.
It's a very powerful whore-moan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9apnd8/studies_show_that_prostitutes_have_higher_levels/
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What would you call a movie made entirely of r/Jokes?

Attack of the clones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9apmnm/what_would_you_call_a_movie_made_entirely_of/
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If smells are nostalgic, does that mean they’re ...

Scentimental?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9apm2g/if_smells_are_nostalgic_does_that_mean_theyre/
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Did you hear about the two antennas who got married?

The wedding was okay, but the reception was fantastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9apj0k/did_you_hear_about_the_two_antennas_who_got/
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Why can a 747 never crash?

When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9apfpa/why_can_a_747_never_crash/
%
What do you call a giant that smokes weed all day?

High and mighty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9apf6j/what_do_you_call_a_giant_that_smokes_weed_all_day/
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What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?

Start off with a big one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9apduu/whats_the_best_way_to_make_a_small_fortune_in_the/
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I saw my neighbour hitting his plants with a long stick. I asked him why he was doing it but he wouldnt give me a straight answer,

He just kept beating around the bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9apas4/i_saw_my_neighbour_hitting_his_plants_with_a_long/
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What does a midget with several natural skills have?

Talln't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ap970/what_does_a_midget_with_several_natural_skills/
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What size envelope do you need to send a letter bomb?

C4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ap8z5/what_size_envelope_do_you_need_to_send_a_letter/
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?

Skip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ap8b2/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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A priest and a rabbi are friends . . .

And the priest is always talking to the rabbi about how great ham sandwiches are, and how he's totally missing out by not being able to eat them. Every time they have lunch together, he orders a ham sandwich, and spends the entire meal raving about how salty and savory and delicious it is.  Any time the rabbi so much as mentions matzo, or gefilte fish, or any other Jewish dishes, the priest is right there, piping up about how sure, that's tasty, but it's nothing compared to a good ham sandwich.
So finally, the rabbi says "okay, since you won't stop talking about how amazing it is, I'll try a ham sandwich.  But, in return, you have to try something your religion forbids."
And the priest thinks about it, and he agrees.  So the next day, he brings the rabbi a ham sandwich.
The rabbi takes the sandwich, he holds it in his hands for a few seconds.  Finally he raises it to his lips, and he takes a bite.
"See, it's good, isn't it!" says the priest.  "I told you were really missing out.  I bet you wish you could have these whenever you want."
The rabbi chews thoughtfully, and then he swallows, and he nods.   "Yes, this is a good sandwich."
At that moment, there's a knock at the door.  "Ah, I think it's your turn," says the rabbi.
The priest opens the door, and there's a gorgeous woman standing there.  She takes the priest by the hand and leads him into another room.
An hour later, the woman leaves, nodding goodbye to the rabbi, who gets up, goes over to the other room, and looks in.  The priest is lying there on the bed, half-dressed, looking dazed.
"It's a lot better than ham, isn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aosuf/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_friends/
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What did the child say after World War II ended?

"Look, ma! No Hans!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aorz2/what_did_the_child_say_after_world_war_ii_ended/
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Steve Rogers gets into Santa Claus's automobile...

...and is immediately shot dead.
RIP Steve Rogers.
He was capped in a merry car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aoq6x/steve_rogers_gets_into_santa_clauss_automobile/
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A little boy was doing his math homework

...saying to himself, 2+5 the son of bitch is 7,
3+6 the son of bitch is 9
His mother heard this & asked "Why are you swearing?"
Boy, "Mom this is how the teacher taught us all."
Furious, the mother called the teacher: "Are u teaching math to children by saying 2+2, the son of bitch is 4?"
The teacher started laughing & answered: "What I taught them was, 2+2, the sum of which is 4"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aomdd/a_little_boy_was_doing_his_math_homework/
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My friend,who is a little person,got pickpocketed on his way home from work...

How could anyone stoop so low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aol0i/my_friendwho_is_a_little_persongot_pickpocketed/
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Don’t be ashamed of who you are

That’s your parents’ job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aojpu/dont_be_ashamed_of_who_you_are/
%
I asked over 100 women which shampoo they are using.

And the number one answer was "How the fuck did you get in my bathroom?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aohvg/i_asked_over_100_women_which_shampoo_they_are/
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Just bought a new house in france

It's absolutely amaison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aohaq/just_bought_a_new_house_in_france/
%
Do you know that look women give you, when they want sex?

me neither

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aofzx/do_you_know_that_look_women_give_you_when_they/
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How do we know God is a man?

If God was a woman, semen would taste like chocolate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aodva/how_do_we_know_god_is_a_man/
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Morgue employee cremated while taking a nap....

I guess two people got fired that day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ao4bb/morgue_employee_cremated_while_taking_a_nap/
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One day I'll create a cure for blindness

You'll see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ao1h5/one_day_ill_create_a_cure_for_blindness/
%
Lord Williams turns to his butler

: "Jones, please prepare my black suit and binoculars. I'm going to a funeral."
"But why do you need binoculars?" Asks Jones
"My distant relative has died." Says Lord Williams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9anu5e/lord_williams_turns_to_his_butler/
%
Why do scientists have cameras in the toilet?

They wanna see their pee HD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9anp03/why_do_scientists_have_cameras_in_the_toilet/
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A woman gets married and has 10 kids.

Eventually, her husband dies, and she waits a year to grieve and gets married a second time. With that husband she has 8 kids.
That husband also dies, so she ends up getting married a third time. She has 6 kids with this man.
After a few years, this husband also dies. Finally, the woman dies a few years later.
At her funeral, the priest exclaims "Praise Jesus, for they have finally been brought together again at long last!"
One if her friends in the audience asks her husband "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The husband replies, "Actually, I think he's talking about her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9annyw/a_woman_gets_married_and_has_10_kids/
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Three Russians are sitting together in the train that takes them to the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they
accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they
accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of
having a watch from the West."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ankbn/three_russians_are_sitting_together_in_the_train/
%
Bill was a farmer...

... and he was extremely unhappy with his life.
His wife, Bernice, had died a few years back to an awful illness and his kids all left the farm to pursue their dreams.
The oldest son, Dave, became an actor and had so much success he became known far and wide to pretty much everyone in the world.
The younger son, Chet, studied to become a rocket engineer and recently landed his dream job at NASA as a rocket scientist.
Finally, the little girl, Susie, went onto doing menial jobs straight out of high-school until she could save up enough money to start her own hair-dressing salon and quickly rose to become one of the most renowed places in the big city.
Bill was extremely proud of his children, but he still wished in his heart that at least one of them could stay with him to tend to the farm as age started taking his toll on the poor man and he couldn't handle the farm life any longer.
One day, while he was tending to his fields, Bill started to feel a sharp pain in his back and keeled over in agony, he was screaming bloody murder but nobody was around to hear him.
Luckily he had with him the phone his three children gave him when they left the farm and could call an ambulance and get taken to the closest hospital.
As soon as he gave them the news his children rushed to the hospital to visit him, they were all worried to death but he reassured them he was fine and it was just all the years of tending to the farm finally catching up to him.
The kids however were still extremely concerned and after a few minutes of talking among them they decided they couldn't let their father live alone in the farm anymore as it was too risky.
They went back inside their father's room and asked him if he'd like to sell the farm and retire, he could move into the city so that he could be closer to Susie and he wouldn't have to think about anything but relax, the kids are all successful and they'll think about every expense.
At first he was extremely reluctant, he didn't want to leave the farm where he shared so many cherished memories with Bernice and the kids, but eventually he realized he was getting too old and agreed to sell the farm.
A few days later, when the father was discharged from the hospital the kids took him to his new house in the city, it was is a nice place, right outside the city center with a beatiful garden in a very relaxing and quiet neighborhood, the perfect place for retirement; Bill was happy and for once in his life he had some time for himself.
Everything was perfect, Bill had a great place to spend his retirement, Susie was coming by every week now that they lived closer and, albeit more rarely due to their many commitments, even Dave and Chet were visiting him more.
However the peace didn't last long, a few months after he moved, Bill saw a new building site being erected on the sidewalk right in front of his house, curious he tried to ask the workers what they were building, they said they had no idea, it was a new project made by the city council and they knew nothing about its purpose.
A few weeks later the job was done and the building crew left the site, what ended up being there was a huge pole, not unlike a lamp-post, albeit missing the light bulb, in it's place however there was this huge ball with a hole going thorough it.
Bill was dumbfounded and he could not understand what this huge pole was for.
Later that night, as he was about to fall asleep he started hearing a sound coming from outside, at first it was a faint, undiscernible sound but eventually it started getting very loud, it was something like a high pitched "RRRRRREEEEEEEE" worried he rushed outside to find the source of all that noise and realized it was coming from the huge pole that was installed the day prior, as it just so happened the wind blowing through the hole on top of the pole emitted the infamous screeching sound.
The farmer, still perplexed went back to bed and decided he'd try to ask Susie next morning, however the wind didn't stop all night and he couldn't catch a single blink.
The following morning he gave Susie a call and asked if she would come to see the strange pole in front of his house, maybe she knew something about it, Susie came and inspected the object, but she had no idea either what that was for, however she remembered that Chet would come to visit that weekend and said that he would most likely know something about it, since he's always been very smart.
Bill spent a whole week sleeping very little as every night the wind would blow inside the weird structure and emit it's high pitched "RRRRRREEEEEEE" sound.
Finally that weekend Chet came to visit and found his father in a very bad shape due to lack of sleep, Bill had told him before about the weird lamp post in front of his house in one of their phone calls but Chet couldn't understand what it was and said he'd most likely be able to figure it out if he could study the object, after all he was a smart and confident man.
Chet looked at the pole, studied it, tried to think about its purpose for the whole weekend but couldn't find an answer, defeated he told his father he was sorry he couldn't figure it out but said he'd try to get Dave to visit, Dave was an actor and travelled all over the world to shoot movies, he had seen a lot of things in his travels and he surely had seen something similar before.
As it just so happen, Dave would finish shooting for his new movie in 3 weeks and he was extremely happy to go back to visit his father.
Another 3 weeks passed, unfortunately for poor Bill, the wind blew incessantly every single night, and every single night he was kept awake by the disgusting "REEEEEE" sound coming from it.
When Dave came, he found his father on the brink of madness, he was trembling, paranoid, a shell of his former self, without any further ado he asked Bill to show him the post.
So Bill took him to the pole, Dave looked at it, turned to his father and said.
"Ah yes, I've seen it before! It's a re-post"
Writer's note: I'm so sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9and4i/bill_was_a_farmer/
%
A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The  bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the  man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his  petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
\`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9an6i5/a_man_runs_out_of_petrol/
%
Larry had 4 sons

And he always had this doubt that the younger one, being completely different to his elder siblings wasn't his son, but never gathered the courage to confront his wife about this.
Finally, on his death bed, he gathered all his courage and asked his wife, "Honey, this has been bothering me all along, please don't lie to a dying man, is the younger one, Willy, really my son?" His wife was surprised and assured him, "Of course honey, he is indeed your son, why do you ask?", Upon listening to this Larry died a happy man..
"On the other hand Larry, the first three.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9an662/larry_had_4_sons/
%
Why do barbie dolls have purple nips?

Because GI Joes have kung fu grips ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9an5cp/why_do_barbie_dolls_have_purple_nips/
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Flies in vine glasses

A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.
The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.
The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.
The finnish man took the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.
The Russian drank the wine with the fly.
The Chinese man ate the fly and left the wine.
The jew took the fly out and sold it to the Chinese man.
The Romanian drank 9/10ths of the wine and demanded a new glass since there was a fly in his glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off fishing with it as bait.
The American sued the restaurant for 65 million dollars for all his mental sufferings.
The scot caught the fly and yelled "spit it out you bastard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9amz9u/flies_in_vine_glasses/
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What do you call a street walker in the winter?

A frostitute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9amwni/what_do_you_call_a_street_walker_in_the_winter/
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What's Bill Cosby's favourite Disney movie?

Sleeping Beauty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9amurs/whats_bill_cosbys_favourite_disney_movie/
%
I’m a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 million years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9amq9z/im_a_tour_guide_at_a_museum_and_when_i_told_a/
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Why did a slave go to college?

To pickup his master's degree!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ampr5/why_did_a_slave_go_to_college/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I got confused

I'd go "What's happening?! Why are you giving me money?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ammk1/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_got_confused/
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The wife just told me, "I think you've had an affair with that Welsh tart, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."

I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9amie2/the_wife_just_told_me_i_think_youve_had_an_affair/
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"I'm leaving you!..."

“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”
“But honey, what about our child?”
“What child?!”
“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9amhg7/im_leaving_you/
%
Why did the redditor sign up for fencing lessons?

He heard there were tips on riposting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9amgns/why_did_the_redditor_sign_up_for_fencing_lessons/
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My gay friend is moving and sent me a nude last night

I guess he took it wrong when I said do you want me to help you pack your shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9amfp0/my_gay_friend_is_moving_and_sent_me_a_nude_last/
%
I fired my proctologist today

He was a crap doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9amfi3/i_fired_my_proctologist_today/
%
A Chinese couple adopt a white baby...

A Chinese couple adopt a white baby.
Although it’s obvious, everywhere they go, someone inevitably asks them if they adopted their child.
“What? Of course we did!” They’d say... “Don’t you know two Wongs don’t make a white?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ame3s/a_chinese_couple_adopt_a_white_baby/
%
A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road
and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with
him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved. But he heard
a thump anyway.
Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything.
He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I
just barely missed hitting that lawyer at the side of the road."
But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9amdcj/a_truck_driver_was_heading_down_the_highway_when/
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Two men stranded on an island...

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9amae8/two_men_stranded_on_an_island/
%
What did the nurse tell her patient after he refused to let her mend a cut on his arm?

“Fine, suture self!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9am9l8/what_did_the_nurse_tell_her_patient_after_he/
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What do women and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9am1ee/what_do_women_and_noodles_have_in_common/
%
"Son, where did you learn to use an axe like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest"
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert"
"Well sir, that's what they call it now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9alwuj/son_where_did_you_learn_to_use_an_axe_like_that/
%
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Hi Dave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9alwc6/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
%
What did the paleontologist say to his wife after 6 months in the field ?

You wanna bone?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9alo6n/what_did_the_paleontologist_say_to_his_wife_after/
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So I bough Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for Christmas...

He said it was the most violent book he’d ever read

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9alm3o/so_i_bough_stevie_wonder_a_cheese_grater_for/
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Why was the shovel regarded as one of the most creative inventions?

Because it was ground breaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9alliz/why_was_the_shovel_regarded_as_one_of_the_most/
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A man is depressed because he was born with half an index finger...

Everyone made fun of him in school and called him Half Finger. Depressed and tired of all the taunting, he decides to commit suicide. He finds the tallest building in his city.
As he’s about to jump, he looks down at the street and sees a man with no arms vigorously dancing. He says to himself: How can I, who’s only deformity is half a finger, consider suicide while that man down there with no arms is enjoying life to the fullest?
So he runs down stairs to meet the no-armed man on the street. Upon arriving, he breathlessly says: Thank you! Your jubilation for life has inspired to continue living my life!
The no-armed man angrily responds: Dancing? Dancing?! I ain’t dancing! My butthole itches and I can’t scratch it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aljfl/a_man_is_depressed_because_he_was_born_with_half/
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What brand of power tools does Chris Brown use?

Black and Deck Her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9alhp3/what_brand_of_power_tools_does_chris_brown_use/
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3 kids are in class Atom, Molecule and Matter. Atom turns to molecule and tells him a joke. Molecule laughs so hard and asks why don't you tell Matter the joke.

Atom: he wouldn't get it, he's too dense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9alfic/3_kids_are_in_class_atom_molecule_and_matter_atom/
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The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.
“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for as long as you’ve been alive, and my pop worked with your pop, and his pop before him. For as long as I can remember, the elephants have been the brains of this operation, and I can remember a great deal. I think it’s time for a change.”
“Elephant, don’t be foolish,” says the lion, “the lion has always been the king. Always has been, always will be.”
“Well, I’ve got some of the animals rallied, and they disagree. We’re fixing to stage a coup if you don’t start taking our demands seriously.”
The lion is rightfully alarmed. He asks the elephant what he’s proposing.
“A game of skill. Whichever of us is the victor, that animal will be the new king.”
“I propose football,” says the lion, “we’ll draft the animal kingdom using our wit, command them on the field with our leadership, and demonstrate our respective strengths.”
The elephant readily agrees. The lion has the first pick as the reigning regent, and selects the cheetah, an obvious speed threat on the field. The elephant rebuts with the hippo, a tough defender. The draft continues, from the chimp to the gazelle and all the way down to the humblest of the animals. Then, the day of the big game arrives.
The lion receives the kickoff. He leads his team on a long drive down the field as the quarterback, shucking and jiving, outthinking the opposing defense. He scores a touchdown!
The donkey is kicking off for the lion, and shoots a laser down the field. In a flash, the rhino has the ball, and marches down the field. He’s unstoppable! He plows past the twenty, thirty, forty, midfield, and all the way into the lion’s end zone. It’s a tie game, all on the one play!
The lion grumbles, but takes the ball once more and leads his team on another successful drive.
“Donkey,” he says, “kick the ball wherever you’d like, but don’t kick it to that damn rhino.”
“You got it boss,” he says.
He reared back his big kicking leg, smashes the ball, and it lands straight in the rhino’s waiting hands. Once more, he charges down the field, slamming through the animals, and scores a touchdown.
The game proceeds. The lion will score on a drive down the field, and the rhino invalidates all his hard work, the elephant laughing on the sidelines. It’s a tie game, fourth quarter, and because of a missed field goal, the lion leads by one point. There’s only enough time on the clock for a kickoff.
“Donkey,” the lion says, “if you kick the ball to that goddamn rhino one more time, I’ll make my last act as king a donkey feast for the rest of the animals.”
The donkey gulps and says, “you got it boss.”
He rears back. He kicks. The ball goes flying. Wouldn’t you know it, it lands in the arms of the rhinoceros. Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, midfield…
Forty
Thirty
Twenty
Ten
The rhino trips! He loses the ball! The lion pounces atop it, and his team are the victors!
Amidst the celebrations, the lion realizes his good luck. He goes to inspect the field at the point where the rhino, so dominant all game, tripped. There, battered but very much alive, he notices a tiny centipede.
“Did you trip him?” Asked the lion.
“Yessir,” said the centipede.
“If you could have done that the whole time, why wait until the final seconds of the game? Why make me so nervous?”
“Oh, I was tying my shoes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aleeg/the_lion_and_the_elephant/
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I always worry I will fall into a deep hole full of water

I cannot see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ald61/i_always_worry_i_will_fall_into_a_deep_hole_full/
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A philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"
They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"
The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.
"Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9al8iu/a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_a_physicist/
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Nomad and the camel

A nomad was walking in the desert all alone and very horny. As he was wandering aimlessly in the desert he saw a camel and decided to fuck it, he immediately rushed to the camel and right before he was going to fuck it, the camel fled. He chased down the animal and caught it again and right before he was going to fuck it, the camel fled again. As hours passed the nomad couldnt cach the camel and at that moment the god almighty was also watching this poor man from the heavens. The god felt sorry for this desperate man and he decided to create a very beautiful and stunning woman just to quench this men's thirst for sex, and he sent that woman to the desert. The stunning beauty asked the nomad "your wish is my command", the nomad responded "hold the camel so that i can fuck it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9al87b/nomad_and_the_camel/
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Life of a salesman

So a department store famous for carrying everything is looking to hire a new sales associate. They have narrowed it down to two candidates. They decide to do a trial run and give them each a week to see who earns the highest commission to see who gets the job.
The first guy comes in every day, sells hard and earns 20,000 in sales, selling mostly home essentials. The second guy decides to only come in and work the sunday, and leaves after only helping one customer.
When the boss reviews the scores he can't believe it but the second guy won with 250,000 in reported sales. So he calls up the second guy to ask him what he sold.
The guy says, "well I sold him a fishing boat, a trailer, a truck, bait, gear, sonar equipment, the works."
The boss is incredulous, "so he came in to buy a boat and you sold him a car and all the associated gear available?"
The guy replies, "No sir, he came in to buy a pack of tampons, and I said well seeing as your weekends fucked, you might as well go fishing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9al1t8/life_of_a_salesman/
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An atheist dies and meets st Peter at the pearly gates.

St Peter: I can't let you in here your a non believer.
The atheist not wanting to go to hell says
Atheist: But st Peter I'm a good man
St Peter looks through his book
St Peter: You seem to have a pretty mixed record, but if you can tell me about one heroic good deed you have done I will let you in.
Atheist: I once was walking down the street when I saw some girl about to get gang raped. So I ran up and knocked out the leader with a single blow. I then stepped back telling them to scram before I KOed them to.
St Peter is amazed by this and says
St Peter: When did this happen?
Atheist: About 5 minutes ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9al1rv/an_atheist_dies_and_meets_st_peter_at_the_pearly/
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The other day I found this literal fossil of a PC...

It had about a trilobyte of storage on it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aky58/the_other_day_i_found_this_literal_fossil_of_a_pc/
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200Years in the future.

A team of the smartest people on earth go to  a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.
"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"
The space group is quite surprised by this. Most of them think about turning back and going to earth. When one man in the back of the group, Unseen by the aliens, Shows himself. Upon his sight the aliens appear to become much more peaceful with the humans.
"Oh you brought Dave with you! Why didn't you say so."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9akxah/200years_in_the_future/
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a priest a rabbi and 3kids are at the gates to heaven.

God said "we're having a small housing problem. Only 3of you can enter, The others will go to hell. You talk amongst yourselves and decide who gets to go in."
The priest and rabbi talk about who gets to go in.
"Fuck the kids." Said the rabbi
To which the priest replied "The big guy's there. If he sees us we're definitely going to hell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9akv3x/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_3kids_are_at_the_gates_to/
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Why did the three Wise Men smell like smoke?

Because they came from afar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9akt8z/why_did_the_three_wise_men_smell_like_smoke/
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Selling adhesives was the worst job I ever had.....

But I stuck with it anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aksqy/selling_adhesives_was_the_worst_job_i_ever_had/
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I slept with my best friend’s wife and now I feel awful.

She must have given me the flu or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aksj6/i_slept_with_my_best_friends_wife_and_now_i_feel/
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I asked my friend in North Korea how he was doing.

He said he can't complain﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9akno9/i_asked_my_friend_in_north_korea_how_he_was_doing/
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If I had the power of invisibility,

I would end every argument by disappearing and saying "have I made myself clear?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9akl6h/if_i_had_the_power_of_invisibility/
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An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his letter from his dad:
My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love, your Dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9akl5h/an_arab_student_studying_in_germany_wrote_a/
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What did one Australopithecus say to the other?

No Homo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9akkmx/what_did_one_australopithecus_say_to_the_other/
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A teacher calls her first grade class

from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9akidc/a_teacher_calls_her_first_grade_class/
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What do you call Shakira's bodyguards?

Shakira-ty guards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9akhns/what_do_you_call_shakiras_bodyguards/
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Man Raises a Toast at the Bar

He toasts, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between my wife's legs!" The crowd hoops and hollers and declares that he won Toast of the Night.
Man goes home and says, "Honey! Honey! I won Toast of the Night!"
"That's great dear!" Says his wife. "What did you toast?"
"Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife!"
Next day, Wife is out in town and runs into one of her husband's bar buddies. The buddy snickers and asks if she heard what her husband toasted last night.
"Yes, and I think it's a bit odd he'd toast that. It's only ever happened twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to yank his ear to make him come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9akhe4/man_raises_a_toast_at_the_bar/
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A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'
'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.
The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams.
At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?'
'The gold.'
'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.'
'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9akdlf/a_university_student_wanted_to_sit_next_to_one_of/
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My wife left me because I’m too insecure

No wait, she’s back. She just went to make a cup of coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ak2yp/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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Dads are like boomerangs..

..I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ak2gr/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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What do you call someone that likes to mix and match their socks?

Heterosocksual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajygu/what_do_you_call_someone_that_likes_to_mix_and/
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Gotta have a gimmick

A young man started a new job as a toothbrush salesman.  The first day he sold 5 toothbrushes.  He saw that one guy had sold 200 so he asked him his secret.  The seasoned salesman told him that to be successful he had to come up with a gimmick.  The next day the young man returned to the office and had sold 2,000 toothbrushes.  Now it was the older salesman’s turn to ask how he had sold so many toothbrushes.  The youngster said “I got me a gimmick”.  I set up a table at the airport with free chips and free dip.  When people try the free samples they always tell me “that dip tastes like shit”. I tell them that’s because it is....wanna buy a toothbrush?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajyg1/gotta_have_a_gimmick/
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After a long struggle, my uncle finally came out of the closet.

He has Alzheimer’s, and thought it was his truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajwaw/after_a_long_struggle_my_uncle_finally_came_out/
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My friend visited me months after I moved and said “sweet beard”. I said...

“Thanks, it’s growing on me”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajvs4/my_friend_visited_me_months_after_i_moved_and/
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What do you say to a hooker as she's leaving?

It's been a business doing pleasure with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajrgd/what_do_you_say_to_a_hooker_as_shes_leaving/
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A man runs into a doctor's office screaming

"help help I'm invisible." The nurse says, "sir wait right here, I'll get the doctor." The nurse goes back to the doctor and says, "there's a man in the waiting room saying he's invisible." The doctor says, "tell him I can't see him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajozd/a_man_runs_into_a_doctors_office_screaming/
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What can you say about a man who pops a couple tic tacs before beginning speaking?

He mints his words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajo3b/what_can_you_say_about_a_man_who_pops_a_couple/
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Why did Antman stop talking when he joined the x men??

He became a mute ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajml8/why_did_antman_stop_talking_when_he_joined_the_x/
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Hey, wanna hear a Jew joke?

Israeli funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajk3j/hey_wanna_hear_a_jew_joke/
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Why did the spaghetti miss the field trip?

It lost its parmesan slip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajist/why_did_the_spaghetti_miss_the_field_trip/
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Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.
Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"
Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"
He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live.
As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, request that's always granted by the two.
Every time they stop to a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person.
At sunset the devil sees that Jack was very tired and decides to show him the house he'll be spending the rest of eternity into.
As they walk to Jack's new house the two pass close to a huge wall and Jack asks: "What's behind there?"
Satan: "Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind"
Despite his curiosity Jack thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he'd be back the following morning to show him the recreational center before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day.
That night however Jack kept thinking back at the whole situation he's in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day.
After a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn't even tell him he decided he should investigate, as such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was.
Once there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall.
Jack took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be.
On the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help.
Jack rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair.
The following morning Satan showed up once again and told Jack to come with him.
Jack pleaded: "PLEASE! PLEASE! Don't take me to hell, I'll do anything just let me stay here, I don't wanna burn for all eternity!"
Satan: "What are you talking about??? I'm just gonna show you the recreational center like I told you yesterday"
Jack: "Don't lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!"
Satan: "Ooooh you saw that! Don't worry  that's not for you, that's the Christian hell"
Jack: "The christian hell? Why would the christian hell be like that?"
Satan: "I don't know either man, they just want it that way"
EDIT2: Sort by controversial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajfw9/jack_a_renown_atheist_dies/
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The Pope was headed to the airport for a flight, but was SUPER early.

He asks his driver if he could take the wheel, since he hasn't driven since he became the Pope.
The driver is reluctant at first, but he gives the Pope the wheel.
The Pope slams down on the accelerator and quickly reaches over a hundred miles per hour. A cop car sees the ruckus in front of him and pulls the pope over. He goes up to the drivers window and his eyes widen, he radios his chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajfh0/the_pope_was_headed_to_the_airport_for_a_flight/
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'Pssst!'

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajf9z/pssst/
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Since light supposedly travels faster than the speed of sound.....

Why can I hear the BMW driver behind me honk before the light turns green?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajequ/since_light_supposedly_travels_faster_than_the/
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Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ajazq/marriage_the_real_story/
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Orians belt is a big waist of space...

Terrible joke,3 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aj9xr/orians_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
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What does an anti-vaxxer have in common with someone who only does anal?

Neither will have to live with kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aj9o5/what_does_an_antivaxxer_have_in_common_with/
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Three samurai

A Japanese man was looking for samurai so he put up a job advertisement. Three samurai, a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai came to his house the next day. The man asked them "Show me what you've got. Chop this fly."
The Japanese samurai took out his sword and in a plume of air the fly fell to the ground split in half. The man said, "Very good."
The Chinese samurai took out his sword and in a plume of air another fly fell to the ground, split in half. The man said, "Very good."
The Jewish samurai stepped forward and took out his sword and swung it. But the fly was still alive. When the man asked him what he did to the fly, the Jewish man simply said, "Any samurai can cut a fly, but it takes a real one to circumcise it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aj4gy/three_samurai/
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Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classic conditioning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aj4co/why_is_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
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Me: The mail man told me he was going on holidays to spain...

...so i asked was he going to Parcelona and he continued to ignore what I believe was my best joke of the year.
Dad: Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aix5d/me_the_mail_man_told_me_he_was_going_on_holidays/
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Do you know the joke about the stupid guy on the tree?

Then come down that I'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9airct/do_you_know_the_joke_about_the_stupid_guy_on_the/
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Scientists in Germany Have Discovered a New Particle That Can Only Exist By Absorbing Joy

It's no laughing matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9air39/scientists_in_germany_have_discovered_a_new/
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I feel like 2nd base is a really

Touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aiqau/i_feel_like_2nd_base_is_a_really/
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Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?"

No, just leave it in the carton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aijzb/cashier_would_you_like_the_milk_in_a_bag_sir/
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A Native American tribe are looking for buffalo to hunt.

As they travel along, one member puts his ear to the ground for a moment and then says: “Buffalo come.”
The chief asks “How can you tell?”
The man replies “Sticky ear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aij7n/a_native_american_tribe_are_looking_for_buffalo/
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Why are there no fat people in Japan?

Last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aigro/why_are_there_no_fat_people_in_japan/
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Why don’t we have any more Jonestown jokes ?

The punchlines are too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aich2/why_dont_we_have_any_more_jonestown_jokes/
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Why was Austria-Hungary lonely after 1914?

Because they didn't have Franz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aiaa1/why_was_austriahungary_lonely_after_1914/
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What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ai9bx/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_of_only_two_sodium_atoms/
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True story

On the way home, my girlfriend told me "I saw a girl at the fair who had a way better butt than me"
I said "No she didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ai8q8/true_story/
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You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ai7ql/youre_american_when_you_go_into_the_bathroom_and/
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There was a man from New York that was driving his rig through the Midwest

It was about 1:00 am, and he was very tired, for he had been driving all day, so he tried to find a place to stop. He was in the middle of nowhere, and there were no motels, rest stops, or truck stops.
After what seemed like hours and hours of combing the road, he finds an abandoned house. It was two stories, had an overgrown lawn, and all the windows on the first story were boarded up. It was better than nothing.
He pulled up in the gravel driveway and walked up to the door, and gave it a few knocks.
“Hello?” He called, but no one answered. He tried the door knob. The door let out a creak and opened.
“Hello?”
No response.
After seeing that no one was home, he noticed an old staircase, and walked up it. It led to a bedroom, covered in dust. It had a queen sized bed, which seemed very clean, it was made and the sheets were fresh. So he laid down on the bed to finally get some sleep.
After what felt like just dozing off, he heard a thud outside. He looked out the window, and saw a coffin, made of cedar. It was about six feet tall, and had a black cross burned on it. Passing it off as a hallucination, the truck driver went back to bed. A couple minutes later, he heard another thud. The coffin looked like it had moved. Passing it off as just sleep deprivation, he went back to bed.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
Again, once more, the trucker looked out the window. It had definitely moved.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
It hopped up and down right before his very eyes.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
It was almost to the doorstep. He ran down the stairs and looked right out of the peephole in the door.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
It was at the door. The trucker ran up the stairs, and right at that moment, the coffin crashed through the door. The man slammed the door to the bedroom and began piling up furniture around it. It surely couldn’t even get up the stairs, he thought.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
But it did.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
It stopped for a moment. Bracing for the worst, the trucker ran to the back corner of the room and stared at the door.
Crash!
It broke through the door like a hot knife through butter.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
He threw his pocketknife, his keys, his wallet, but the coffin kept hopping closer. Soon, it was less than a yard away from him. As a last attempt, he threw a Halls cough drop at it, and the coffin stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ai6rm/there_was_a_man_from_new_york_that_was_driving/
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A trip to the doctor...

Doctor: "You'll be thrilled to hear that you don't have cancer in your liver. It was all in your head!"
Me: "Oh great!"
Doctor: "No, brain cancer is way worse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ai469/a_trip_to_the_doctor/
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[Long] A new postman has been doing his route for about 6 months....

After a while ee notices at one house they keep receiving letters that look identical. Two or three times a week this happens. After a month or so he notices the envelopes start to look a bit shabby and he starts to suspect that it is the same letter being posted over and over again.
The postman thinks this is very strange and brings it up with his colleagues at the depot one day and that he is thinking of asking the residents what the deal is. His colleague tells him that people can be a bit sensitive when it comes to their post so he had better be sure he is correct about it being the same letter first.
So the next Friday before he posts the letter he puts a small pencile dot on the envelope and puts it through the letter box. Sure enough the following Monday he pulls the letter out of his bag and there it is complete with small pencile dot. Finally he can't resist anymore so this time he knocks on the door.
A woman opens and he says "Sorry to disturb you madam but I just have to ask. Why do you keep receiving the same letter over and over again?" The woman smiles in an embarrassed way and replies "It's my husband. He was banned from R/jokes about 6 months ago. He is just so depressed and I have found that this re-post is the only thing that keeps his spirits up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ahrm2/long_a_new_postman_has_been_doing_his_route_for/
%
My friend had trouble dating until he got his legs amputated.

After that, nobody stood him up again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ahqpi/my_friend_had_trouble_dating_until_he_got_his/
%
You know which store sells the best nuts?

Aldi’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ahq2p/you_know_which_store_sells_the_best_nuts/
%
What’s the opposite of Sea World?

The ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ahny8/whats_the_opposite_of_sea_world/
%
What do you call a truck that can't accelerate?

A pickup with no pickup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ahmkd/what_do_you_call_a_truck_that_cant_accelerate/
%
How do you know your best friend is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ahltm/how_do_you_know_your_best_friend_is_gay/
%
Hear about that guy who overdosed on viagra?

His wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ahhdf/hear_about_that_guy_who_overdosed_on_viagra/
%
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ahgc7/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
%
What is the favorite liquor of every high school English teacher?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ahg5j/what_is_the_favorite_liquor_of_every_high_school/
%
I used to be interested in dinosaurs as a kid, but I'm more into birds now.

I guess you could say my interests have really evolved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ahfho/i_used_to_be_interested_in_dinosaurs_as_a_kid_but/
%
If you have sex on Halloween, is it a monster mash or a graveyard smash?

Well it’s only a graveyard smash if she’s had a abortion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ahc71/if_you_have_sex_on_halloween_is_it_a_monster_mash/
%
What did Voldemort say to Peter Pettigrew when they went bowling?

“*Kill the spare.*”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ah9t9/what_did_voldemort_say_to_peter_pettigrew_when/
%
What did one plate say to the other plate?

"Lunch is on me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ah6kb/what_did_one_plate_say_to_the_other_plate/
%
What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common?

They can smell it but they can’t eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ah63r/what_do_a_gynaecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery/
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A pretty young woman’s car breaks down

During a storm by an old farm house.  She knocks on the door and a woman answers.  The young woman asks if she can spend the night.  The woman tells her that she can on one condition- she has a 30 year old son who is a little slow mentally and had  never been with a woman.  If the stranded traveler agrees to have sex with her son she can stay the night.  He is a handsome man so the young lady agrees.  She goes upstairs with him and when they go into the bedroom she gives him a big hug and kiss and says “you know what I want”. He looks at her confused and says uhhh no.  She then removes her shirt and pants and asks again “do you know what I want”. Still confused he replies “uhhh no” she removes her bra and panties and asks  “now do you know what I want?”  He just stares at her and says “no”.  She pulls back the covers of the bed and lays sprawled eagle in the center of the bed and asks him “ now do you know what I want?”  He stares at her for a minute as she lays there  and finally replies “Yep you want the whole damn bed and you’re not getting it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9agzb4/a_pretty_young_womans_car_breaks_down/
%
Have you ever heard of a Fire Distinguisher?

You point the nozzle at the fire and it says
"Yup, That's Fire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9agqns/have_you_ever_heard_of_a_fire_distinguisher/
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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Dave, is that you?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9agqhf/a_college_professor_started_to_notice_that_one_of/
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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9agpwy/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
%
The biggest lie told by the church is that God is a Male..

Let's face it, if God is really a male, testicles would be protected by titanium rib-cages..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9agppr/the_biggest_lie_told_by_the_church_is_that_god_is/
%
An old married couple are driving down the road.

They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9agpkc/an_old_married_couple_are_driving_down_the_road/
%
What do you call a Greek primordial god who can't swim?

Titanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9agkfg/what_do_you_call_a_greek_primordial_god_who_cant/
%
A psychic dwarf has been on the run from the police for months...

He is a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9agkd9/a_psychic_dwarf_has_been_on_the_run_from_the/
%
My sprint team complained that the hurdles were too short

I told them they would get over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aghpp/my_sprint_team_complained_that_the_hurdles_were/
%
If H2O is inside a fire hydrant what’s on the outside?

K9P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9agfuj/if_h2o_is_inside_a_fire_hydrant_whats_on_the/
%
A student is failing an exam, so he decides to make a bet with the proffesor

He walks up and says: "lets bet on a 'C' that I can break your desk with one hit using my left hand". The proffesor says: "There's no way, lets bet". The student swings his left and and karate chops the desk in half.
Then he says:"Wanna bet on an 'B' that I can hit my head through this chalk board". The proffesor says: "That's impossible, so yes" He swings his head as hard as he could and broke through the chalk board and the wall behind it.
Then he says:"Wanna bet that I can pee out orange fanta on you, for an 'A'". The proffesor says: "Ok sure". The student pees all over the proffesor. The proffesor tastes the pee and says:"but this is normal pee". The student says: "ok ok, a 'B" it is".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9agdtt/a_student_is_failing_an_exam_so_he_decides_to/
%
What would be a tragedy?

One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school, to tell the children about his success, and to show off his ‘intelligence’.
The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.
Trump decided to help the children learn the word ‘tragedy’, and asked the following question to them:
“What would be a tragedy, kids?”
A bespectacled boy nervously answers:
“If my best friend died of pneumonia, that would be a tragedy.”
“No, that would be a great loss,” Trump corrects him.
Another shy young child answers:
“If my uncle got hit by a train, that would be a tragedy.”
“No, no, that would be an accident,” Trump replies.
A young girl raises her hand. The wealthy businessman asks her if she’d like to give an example of a tragedy. The girl nods, and says:
“If Mr. Trump was in his private jet, and a missile hit the jet, that would be a tragedy.”
“Yes, that would be a tragedy for sure. Can you tell me why?” The businessman asks.
“Well, it definitely wasn’t a great loss, and I’m not sure if it was an accident, either,”
answers the young girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9agcud/what_would_be_a_tragedy/
%
A dad walks into a bakery...

...and he asks, "Hey do you have any big pieces of shortbread?"
The baker responds, "No, we don't make them any longer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ag8r5/a_dad_walks_into_a_bakery/
%
I was voted “Least likely to Suceed” by my high school class.

I hate being a teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ag4nv/i_was_voted_least_likely_to_suceed_by_my_high/
%
Me: I have cheated once

Wife: me too
Me: 1st april...
Wife: 8th october

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ag48o/me_i_have_cheated_once/
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A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his crotch

When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the teensiest bit of a woman, the hat would lift by itself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ag3pp/a_man_is_lying_on_a_nudist_beach_wearing_only_a/
%
Can a woman make you a millionaire?

Yes! Only if you're a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ag0wx/can_a_woman_make_you_a_millionaire/
%
The KSI and Logan Paul fight

title

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ag0pf/the_ksi_and_logan_paul_fight/
%
My dad bought me a Sonicare toothbrush

I guess he just wanted me to know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9afzoo/my_dad_bought_me_a_sonicare_toothbrush/
%
My wife asked me if these pants make her look fat.

Being a wise man, I said “Yes!”
“It’s all the pants’ fault.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9afxb6/my_wife_asked_me_if_these_pants_make_her_look_fat/
%
What do you get...

What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9afx36/what_do_you_get/
%
Did you hear about the new store where you can plug in robotic limbs?

It's great even though they charge an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9afw4s/did_you_hear_about_the_new_store_where_you_can/
%
A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive penis. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9afvpx/a_mortician_was_working_late_one_night/
%
What do you call a woman who always know where her husband is?

Widow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9afuqo/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_always_know_where/
%
Duck walks into a gas station

Duck: Do you have any grapes?
Attendant: No this is a gas station, we don’t sell grapes here.
Duck leaves and comes back the next day and goes to the same guy
Duck:  Do you have any grapes?
Attendant:  I told you yesterday we don’t have any grapes.
Duck leaves and comes back the next day and goes to the same guy again
Duck:  Do you have any grapes?
Attendant: Listen you! This is the third damn day you come here asking for grapes. If you come back here again asking for grapes, I’m going to nail your little duck feet to the ground!
Duck leaves and comes back the next day and goes to the same guy
Duck:  Do you have any nails?
Attendant: No
Duck: Do you have any grapes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aft02/duck_walks_into_a_gas_station/
%
√(−1) 8 ∑ π

And it was delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9afi3m/1_8_π/
%
What do mouthwash and 70 have in common?

They both come after 69

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9afhdp/what_do_mouthwash_and_70_have_in_common/
%
Balance

An old lady at the bank asked me to help her check her balance. So, I pushed her.
Her balance wasn't very good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9afg9t/balance/
%
My secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "Remember, you have
a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9afeyq/my_secretary_reminds_me_of_my_wife/
%
A pirate goes to the doctor..

'Thar be strange moles on me back'
Doctors has a look.
'They're benign'
'Check again matey,I counted 10'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9afeh6/a_pirate_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What happens when you neglect to pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9afd50/what_happens_when_you_neglect_to_pay_your_exorcist/
%
Why did the guitarist go to the jail?

Cuz he fingered a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9afbmu/why_did_the_guitarist_go_to_the_jail/
%
What's the temperature of a light saber?

Warm Warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9afb21/whats_the_temperature_of_a_light_saber/
%
My mother always tells me to take advice from successful people

How do I get advice from people who've successfully killed themselves?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9af9mh/my_mother_always_tells_me_to_take_advice_from/
%
Orion's belt is a big waist of space...

I know, terrible joke, only 3 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9af6ve/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
%
Recent studies have shown that...

Recent studies have shown that both genders reply differently to certain questions.
For example, if you ask a woman "Why do women make better leaders than men?", they'll usually reply "Because women have better leadership."
But if you ask men the same question...
"Because a man will do anything to get a woman to shut up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9af6od/recent_studies_have_shown_that/
%
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.
Credit to Demetri Martin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9af68w/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_same_thing/
%
"I'd like this book on revenge please"

Cashier: "You'll pay for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9af62b/id_like_this_book_on_revenge_please/
%
I can’t believe I got fired from a calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9af3uv/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_a_calendar_factory/
%
What do you call an arrogant thief going down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9af2xn/what_do_you_call_an_arrogant_thief_going_down_a/
%
How do you make a sweet old lady yell "go fuck yourself"?

Have another sweet old lady yell "BINGO".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9af2pf/how_do_you_make_a_sweet_old_lady_yell_go_fuck/
%
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9af090/an_infinite_amount_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
Back in Vietnam

A man sees husband and wife walking, the man is on the front with a bike and behind him comes the wife pulling wagons with all of their belongings.
The man asks the husband, why this way.
The man replies: "tradition"
The next day the man sees this couple again walking down the road. But this time the man is walking behind the wife
The man asks: "What happened to tradition?"
"Landmines" husband replies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9af08r/back_in_vietnam/
%
So I'm in a bar and two large women with accents walk in and sit down.

I look over to them and say: "hey ladies, nice accents. Are you from Scotland?"
One of the ladies yells: "it's Wales, you idiot!!"
So I said: "Ok, that's cool. Are you two whales from Scotland?"
I don't remember much else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aexc9/so_im_in_a_bar_and_two_large_women_with_accents/
%
Wife: "I have blisters on my hands from the broom."

Husband: "Well next time take the car, silly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aewig/wife_i_have_blisters_on_my_hands_from_the_broom/
%
Did you hear about little Johnny?

Little Johnny was in grade 2, one day after class he was sitting in the back yard playing with his dinky cars and his dad sitting on the deck watching. Little Johnny is playing a lot quietly when a butterfly floats infront of little Johnny and *THUNCK* Little Johnny smashes the butterfly. Dad comes running over all in a tiff and exclaims, "LITTLE JOHNNY, butterflies are some of the most beautiful creatures on this planet, for that, no butter for a month!!", Little Johnny went "Awwww". So that was that, Little Johnny goes back to playing with dinky cars and Dad goes back inside. A honey bee buzzes infront of Little Johnny and again, *THUNCK*, Little Johnny smashes the honey bee. Dad comes running out and shouts: "Little Johnny! Honey bees are some of nature's most valuable creatures, they help with pollination and keeping the environment in check, for that, no honey for two months!!!", "Awww!!" Said Little Johnny. The next morning Little Johnny is at the breakfast table eating cereal, Dad is reading the paper, and Mom is doing the dishes, a cockroach runs out from under the cupboards and mom squashes it, Little Johnny turns to Dad and says: "Should you tell her or should I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aevpr/did_you_hear_about_little_johnny/
%
I’m turning 32 in a few months and I’m kinda depressed about it. I only get to celebrate my birthday for half a minute....

It’s my thirty second birthday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aesxp/im_turning_32_in_a_few_months_and_im_kinda/
%
Two Americans were trekking in a desert.

Dehydrated and hungry, they walked into a mosque.
The Imam asked for their names.
Mark thought: “Maybe it’s wiser to pretend to be a Muslim.”  So he replied: “My name is Ahmed.”
Sam said: “My name is Sam.”
The Imam called his servant over, who handed Sam some food and water.
He then turned to Mark and said: “Happy Ramadan, brother Ahmed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aes87/two_americans_were_trekking_in_a_desert/
%
I have a Chinese friend named Cheng.

At an official function, we were having snacks.
I asked him, "Cheng, do you ever get fed up of people saying that all Chinese look the same?"
He replied, "Cheng has gone to the washroom. I am his wife!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aeqqe/i_have_a_chinese_friend_named_cheng/
%
A woman named Andrea gets sent to prison for marijuana possession.

The facility is overcrowded, and it’s four people to a cell. It’s late at night when she arrives, and not a single one of her cellmates so much as stops snoring even after Andrea is shoved in and the door clangs shut. Tired and defeated, she picks up a strangely familiar smell just before she falls asleep.
Andrea wakes up the next day to an empty cell. Figuring the others must have gone down for breakfast already, she heads down herself. The cafeteria is packed, but after some searching, she manages to find a spot to sit that’s sufficiently far away from any glares of hostility towards the newbie. The inmate next to her is surprisingly talkative, and the topic of conversation eventually shifts to where their cells are.
“683,” Andrea says, and the look on her acquaintance’s face turns into a mixture of concern and pity.
“Oh, they threw you in with Betty?”
“Who’s she?”
“Old timer. Nasty-ass bitch. Got busted for dealing pot, but they also say she stabbed a client that tried stealing from her. Shivved her last cellmate before they threw you in, too.”
“How come she’s not in solitary?”
“Even the guards don’t want to fuck with her. They even let her smoke. She’ll share a joint, but just… don’t take a pull before she does.”
“Why?”
“Bad juju. Or she just stabs you.”
Andrea walks back to her cell skeptical, but still a bit on edge, and is greeted by the same smell from last night, but stronger. She sees an intimidating older woman take a pull from a joint and pass it to a cellmate. Must be Betty. After taking her own drag, the other woman looks for approval to Betty, who nods after sizing Andrea up. Andrea is handed the joint. It’s weak after having been passed around, but it’s just enough to soothe her nerves.
The ritual continues day after day, with Andrea sometimes fourth, sometimes third, and sometimes (rarely) second in line. If not for Betty’s near-inhuman lung capacity when it comes to cannabis smoke, this wouldn’t be a problem, but even on a good day, Andrea gets barely enough to satisfy her cravings.
One day, Andrea resolves that, bad juju be damned, she’ll be having that first toke. Just after Betty lights up, she snatches the joint from her hand and takes a long, hard pull. The feeling is exhilarating. A second later, it gives way to a strange burning in her side. Looking down, Andrea finds a shiv inches-deep in her, with Betty, her face twisted with rage, clutching it. She shoves Andrea to the other side of the cell, but even as Andrea is blacking out, she notices Betty and her other cellmates wobbling as if sedated. The lights flicker, then short out.
With her last breath, Andrea asks, “Why?”
Weakened, Betty replies:
“My toke, Andrea, is the powerhouse of the cell.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aeqfq/a_woman_named_andrea_gets_sent_to_prison_for/
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aepbp/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
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I got attacked by three guys last night, I managed to knock one out

It wasn't the best time for a wank, but it could have been my last!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aenhd/i_got_attacked_by_three_guys_last_night_i_managed/
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A guy goes skydiving for the first time...

... and while he's in the plane he's looking at his fellow jumpers. He's quite surprised when he sees that among them is a blind man, with his guide dog. After a bit of internal debate about minding his own business, curiosity wins out and he decides to just ask.
"Excuse me, but are you blind?"
"Yes I am."
"I'm sorry to pry, but I really want to know how you know when to pull the cord, since you can't see."
"Oh, the leash goes slack."
*Told to me by a sick sick sick friend over 20 years ago.
*Pardon formatting; mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aemk6/a_guy_goes_skydiving_for_the_first_time/
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A couple who lived together decided to separate after getting into a fight

They had two donkeys. So the man said: “okay we’ll split them. Each gets one. To tell them apart I’ll cut a piece of mines ear. That one is mine. The other ones yours”
So they do. Their neighbor, who didn’t like them much decided he’d go to the woman’s donkey and cut of its ear so they won’t be able to tell them apart. The next day the man and the women decide to cut off the mans donkeys tail. The neighbor hears them and so he cuts the women’s donkeys tail.
The next day they decide to cut of the donkeys leg. So the neighbor cuts of the other donkeys leg.
The day after that the man and the women decide this can’t go on any longer and so they measure the donkeys heights and they find out that the white donkey was indeed 5 centimeters taller than the black donkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aemc9/a_couple_who_lived_together_decided_to_separate/
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Three men arrive at the pearly gates of heaven (NSFW, LONG, I don’t know how to do the tag things)

St John comes out and says to the men, “Heaven has become too full, as such we’re only taking in people who had tragic deaths.” He turns to the first man and says, “How did you die then?”
“Well I knew my wife was having an affair,” the fist man begins, “and I came home to find her lying naked on the bed with the door to the balcony open. I ran out to find a man hanging by his fingertips from the edge of the balcony, so in a fit of rage I grabbed a mallet and whacked his fingers. When he let go he landed mostly unharmed in some bushes so I picked up the bar fridge and threw it at him, I died of a heart attack from the strain.”
“My word,” says St John, “that’s awful! Please, go on in.”
He turns to the second man and says “How did you die?”
“You’ll never believe it. I was running on my treadmill, and I slipped. I went tumbling out my window and through some miracle I grabbed my neighbour’s balcony as I fell. He runs out and just starts smashing my fingers with a mallet! I couldn’t believe it when some bushes broke my fall, but then the madman threw a fridge at me!”
“That is terrible, go on in, please.” He replies, stunned.
Finally he turns to the last man, “okay, how did you die?”
He looks very seriously at him and breathes deeply. “Okay, picture this. You’re hiding naked, in a fridge.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aek6v/three_men_arrive_at_the_pearly_gates_of_heaven/
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I've always suspected my wife was cheating. Yesterday I found the evidence I was looking for...

She kept the monopoly money hidden in the cushion of the couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aef6b/ive_always_suspected_my_wife_was_cheating/
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What did the Moh’s hardness scale say when it was feeling down?

“I don’t want to talc about it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aecrd/what_did_the_mohs_hardness_scale_say_when_it_was/
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I met a dyslexic woman at a bar last night.

I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aeb3z/i_met_a_dyslexic_woman_at_a_bar_last_night/
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Orion's belt is useless, its just a

Big waist of space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aeafa/orions_belt_is_useless_its_just_a/
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Advertisement aren't always what they seemed.

I was a single obese man watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So I thought, what the hell and signed up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at my door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." Never had a girlfriend, I knew I had to catch her.
I tried to catch her, but was unable to. This continues for a week, at the end of which, I had lost 10 pounds.
After this I tried the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except I almost caught her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which I as suspected, weight 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success and a potential girlfriend, I decided to do the highest tier program.
Before I signed up, I was required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still I signed up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!"
I was supposed to lose 20 pounds in the week, I lost 37.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aeacu/advertisement_arent_always_what_they_seemed/
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How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aea7t/how_do_you_get_americans_to_join_a_world_war/
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Be careful what you wish for.

A Russian catches a goldfish, who speaks: "Dear man, free me and I'll grant your one greatest wish." The Russian thinks for a moment: "Well, I have a solid, well-paid job, a beautiful wife, two great children, a car, a flat... What could I wish for? I know! I want to receive the Hero Of The Soviet Union!" The fish nodded: "Your wish is granted!" Suddenly the guy is caught in a giant blast. As it recedes, the man finds himself sitting in a foxhole, wearing a worn-out battledress, with a rifle with a few bullets and several grenades and the bodies of other Russian soldiers lying all around. The man looks out and notices a large group of Nazi tanks advancing towards his foxhole. Suddenly, he realizes: "Holy fuck! It's a posthumous one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ae9bq/be_careful_what_you_wish_for/
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My wife said it's ok to have a small penis.

I'd still prefer if she didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ae2or/my_wife_said_its_ok_to_have_a_small_penis/
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A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said “Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue.” The lover did that.
The husband walked into the room.
“Honey, what’s this statue doing here?” He asked.
“I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well.” She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into  kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.
“Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ae08g/a_woman_and_her_lover_were_in_bed_when_the_woman/
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If 2 vegans have beef...

It's the one who backs out still a chicken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9adzea/if_2_vegans_have_beef/
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The guy who wrote the song 'In Too Deep' missed out on the 'best writer of a rock song' award.

Most of the judges said he lost, but Sum41.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9adyt6/the_guy_who_wrote_the_song_in_too_deep_missed_out/
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What do brothels and EA have in common?

Their customers get fucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9adw0m/what_do_brothels_and_ea_have_in_common/
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How to get rid of negativity in life?

| life |

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9adp67/how_to_get_rid_of_negativity_in_life/
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I’m giving away my legless parrot for free.

No perches necessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9adn6d/im_giving_away_my_legless_parrot_for_free/
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I had a pet snail when I was a kid

My snail was moving pretty slowly. I thought if I took his shell off he might move a bit quicker.
He ended up just being a bit sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9adm46/i_had_a_pet_snail_when_i_was_a_kid/
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Why did the blind man fall in a well?

Because he couldn’t see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9adk7u/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_in_a_well/
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I'm planning on starting a new condom company called 'Useful'.

So people can say they finally came in useful for once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9adhwu/im_planning_on_starting_a_new_condom_company/
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"When I see Donald Trump..." - Edinburgh Fringe 2018

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.
Bush wasn’t that bad.
Angela Barnes, Pleasance Courtyard, 7.15pm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9adfo7/when_i_see_donald_trump_edinburgh_fringe_2018/
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Why don't people tell many jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones?

Because the punchline is too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9addp8/why_dont_people_tell_many_jokes_about_the/
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A young man gets a job at the local grocery store.

His job is to bag the customers' groceries at checkout. It's mindless work, but he does not complain and performs his job well.
After working in the store for a couple of months, the store's produce section gets a juicing machine. Customers bring their selections of fruits and vegetables to the machine and an attendant juices the produce for them, making the freshest of juices.
The young man, wanting to move beyond bagging groceries, asks the manager if he can have the job of juice machine attendant. The manager denies his request.
The young man is upset, but figures that he will continue to prove his worth bagging groceries and eventually he will get the juicing job. Another few months pass and the young man approaches his manager again.
"Ma'am, I would like to request the job of juice machine attendant." Sadly, the manager denies his request once again.
"I don't understand," the young man says. "I'm professional, I'm reliable, and I'm great with the customers. I work hard and I deserve that position. I'm tired of bagging groceries."
The manager sighs and says, "you're a wonderful worker, that's true, but I simply cannot give you the job. You know what they say... baggers can't be juicers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9addil/a_young_man_gets_a_job_at_the_local_grocery_store/
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Son, you were adopted...

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9adavw/son_you_were_adopted/
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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She ends up paying $15 for the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says, "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ad8in/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
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A soldier was in an army training exercise but they ran out of guns

The soldier said to the guy handing out the paint ball guns “what am I going to do without a gun?” The man replied
“Just point at people and and say bang bang bang”
Without any other options he entered the battlefield.
The enemy rushed his trench and it seemed like all was lost, then he remembered. He pointed at the enemy and screamed “bang bang bang” and they all fell down.
After this he ran out screening “Bang Bang Bang“ and no one stood to face him.
Eventually he got alone with one other person who was walking toward him, he faced the man and  said “bang bang bang” but the man kept walking toward him.  Confused the soldier screamed “BANG BANG BANG.” the man kept walking and pushed the soldier over and said “tank tank tank”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ad3t1/a_soldier_was_in_an_army_training_exercise_but/
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A man goes out to meet an old friend.

This friend is his drinking buddy from back in the day when he would get blackout drunk.  They meet at a bar, and the man immediately tells his friend that he can't drink.
Man: I can't get drunk like I used to, my wife would kill me.
Friend: Aww come on.  It will be just like old times.  Let's have a few beers.
After a few hours the man gets so drunk that he vomits all over himself.
Man: See, I told you I shouldn't drink.  My wife is going to kill me!
Friend: don't worry about it, you can blame it on me.  I'll put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket and if your wife asks it's because I puked on you.
Later that night the man stumbles into his house and is confronted by his wife.
Wife: oh look at this, I knew you would get too drunk with your friend!  You puked all over yourself!
Man: (heavily slurring his words) no no no, look see my friend puked on me.  Look he gave me $10 it's in my pocket.
Wife: uhh, there's $20 in your pocket.
Man: oh yeah he shit my pants too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ad0vq/a_man_goes_out_to_meet_an_old_friend/
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I intend to live forever

So far, so good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9acz08/i_intend_to_live_forever/
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I told my sister I had a car made of spaghetti.

She didn't believe me.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9acwfy/i_told_my_sister_i_had_a_car_made_of_spaghetti/
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A lion wouldn't cheat on its mate

But a Tiger Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9acvnz/a_lion_wouldnt_cheat_on_its_mate/
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I can't help that I'm a virgin

I was born this way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9acvik/i_cant_help_that_im_a_virgin/
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Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Never mind, I don’t want to spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9acukt/did_you_hear_the_rumor_about_butter/
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A drunk man runs into a woman with the ugliest kid in the world

The drunk man said: “Ma’am, you daughter is incredibly ugly”
The woman replies: “I know sir, but she is beautiful in the inside”
The drunk man confused: “Then why haven’t you peeled her?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9actlu/a_drunk_man_runs_into_a_woman_with_the_ugliest/
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Always remember you are someone's reason to smile

Because you're a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9acl6x/always_remember_you_are_someones_reason_to_smile/
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What do you call a couple of average ghosts?

Paranormals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9acl23/what_do_you_call_a_couple_of_average_ghosts/
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My wife died in my arms today because she didn't know her own blood type.

She kept yelling "Be Positive" throughout the whole ordeal. I still don't know how she kept such a positive attitude all the way until the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aciui/my_wife_died_in_my_arms_today_because_she_didnt/
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What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9achuh/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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My girlfriend said, “Your obsession with acting like a detective is getting out of hand. I think we should split up.”

I said, “Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9achqs/my_girlfriend_said_your_obsession_with_acting/
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Me and my girlfriend have nicknames for each other; I call her thunder and she calls me lightning.

I’m lightning because I always come first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9acfbn/me_and_my_girlfriend_have_nicknames_for_each/
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A man goes to a doctor because he has a tapeworm

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.
The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.
The doctor then says to him: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The man is very confused but does as he’s told.
The patient and the doctor repeat this process for 5 days. On the sixth day, the doctor tells the patient: Tomorrow bring two bananas but instead of a Snickers bar, bring a mallet. The patient is again confused but does as he’s told.
The next day the doctor inserts both bananas up the guy’s butt and quickly grabs the mallet and waits.
All of the sudden, the tapeworm pops out saying : Hey! Where’s my Snickers bar?
WHAM!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9acacb/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor_because_he_has_a_tapeworm/
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A girl I just started dating asked me if I had been circumcised...

I told her, “No, I don’t get a woody, I get a hoody.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ac89z/a_girl_i_just_started_dating_asked_me_if_i_had/
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Your hairline is so far back

Rosa parks don't wanna sit there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ac84n/your_hairline_is_so_far_back/
%
Why don’t blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ac801/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
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The best insult ever is, "who is this clown?", because...

#1- You are calling them a clown
#2- You are saying they are not even a well known clown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ac75o/the_best_insult_ever_is_who_is_this_clown_because/
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A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play.
While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks "oh did you want a turn?" And he says "no, I mean I'm the developer, I made the game." So the barkeep says "oh shit, have a free beer then." So the developer takes the beer and sits next to the gamer to watch him play.
Then a third guy walks in and says to the barkeep "oh shit, that guy with the beer is a famous developer!" And runs over, kneels in front of the dev, and puts his dick in his mouth and just goes to town deepthroating it.
Then the guy sucking on the dick turns to the gamer and tries to talk to him with the dick in his mouth. This distracts the gamer and he dies.
Enraged, he asks "why the fuck were you distracting me?" And the guy takes the dick out of his mouth and says "I was trying to tell you my review of the game." So the gamer asks "why would you try to review a game with the dev's dick in your mouth?"
"Because I work for IGN."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ac6qw/a_gamer_walks_into_a_bar/
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What is the easiest way to get a one-armed monkey hanging from a tree to fall?

You wave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ac6kn/what_is_the_easiest_way_to_get_a_onearmed_monkey/
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I use alcohol as a cosmetic.

Applying it to other peoples faces, makes mine look better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ac3v4/i_use_alcohol_as_a_cosmetic/
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What do you call a man who's had ten pints and wants to drive back home?

A taxi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9abt1l/what_do_you_call_a_man_whos_had_ten_pints_and/
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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

An iguana walks by and joins him in a few tokes. After a few minutes the iguana gets cottonmouth and goes to get a drink from the river.
While he’s gone an alligator smells the aroma and wanders over to the tree.
The monkey looks down from his branch and yells “Holy shit! How much water did you drink?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9abrap/a_monkey_is_smoking_a_joint_in_a_tree/
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Why is Antarctica the least corrupt continent?

Because it has justice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9abli8/why_is_antarctica_the_least_corrupt_continent/
%
Small boobs

My wife was complaining about her small boobs one day. "Why can't they just be one or two cup sizes bigger" she wined as she got ready for work.
"I know how to make them bigger" I bragged as I hugged her from behind. "Do tell" she said with a slight grin as her eyes squinted slightly, as if she was trying to figure it out before I answered.
"Wipe toilet paper between your boobs every time you go to the bathroom" I explained as I slowly backed away. "How will that help" she asked as she squinted a little more.  "Well," I said, "it seems to be working for you ass."
I should regain vision over the next few days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9abkqh/small_boobs/
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I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9abe06/i_went_to_the_doctors_recently/
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What do you call a guy who gets hit by a truck?

An ambulance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ab4bp/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_gets_hit_by_a_truck/
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When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.
I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9ab06v/when_youre_trying_to_slingshot_around_jupiter_but/
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What's the difference between a mischievous child and a woman on her period?

One of them is a cunning runt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aayzd/whats_the_difference_between_a_mischievous_child/
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Jack and Albert go camping

They find a suitable place for the camp and settle things down.
Jack says:"Im going to take a shit real quick".
"Okay,then I'm going to hunt a deer for dinner." Albert replies.
An hour passes and Albert is back from hunting and Jack is nowhere to be seen.Albert looks around.for a minute or two and finally finds Jack sleeping with his pants down.
Albert quickly rushes to the deer and dugs deer's intestines out with his hunting knife and Places them beneath Jack's ass and then returns to the camp
5 minutes later Jack is screaming and running towards Albert;"ALBERT! I shat my guts out" Jack says.
"Omg Jack what the hell are you going to do??" Albert says.
Jack replies "Don't worry I managed to put them all back in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aaurf/jack_and_albert_go_camping/
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They say when you go to France that you never truly come back

Well that was somewhat true for princess Diana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aarf4/they_say_when_you_go_to_france_that_you_never/
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I woke up at the crack of dawn...

So I told her to get off my head and let me get some sleep.
Cant beat the classics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aaqu4/i_woke_up_at_the_crack_of_dawn/
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Why is Spongebob the main character

When Patrick is clearly the star?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aaom5/why_is_spongebob_the_main_character/
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As more asians are moving to Western countries, they're turning into good drivers.

So if you're a good driver, and you see an asian turning, get the fuck out of the way!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aam4p/as_more_asians_are_moving_to_western_countries/
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Two elephants are sitting in a hot tub...

One turns to the other one and asks “Do you have any soap?”
The second elephant replies with, “no soap, radio.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aalxz/two_elephants_are_sitting_in_a_hot_tub/
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Doctor, every night I dream of mice playing football, what should I do?

-Take these pills tonight, it should all go away
-Can I take them tomorrow?
-Why?
-Tonight are the finals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aakts/doctor_every_night_i_dream_of_mice_playing/
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A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aakjl/a_horse_is_sitting_at_home_watching_mtv/
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So Logan Paul just called out Chris Brown to fight him

Too bad for him Chris Brown doesn't hit women anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aaf3w/so_logan_paul_just_called_out_chris_brown_to/
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What do you call a cow that gets an abortion?

Decaffeinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aacnb/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_gets_an_abortion/
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"Dad, why is our food cold and bland?"

"It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aac1u/dad_why_is_our_food_cold_and_bland/
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A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed.

After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,
"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"
The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aaa8n/a_cardiologists_car_breaks_down_and_he_goes_to_a/
%
Who here believes in psycho-kinesis?

Raise my hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aa80o/who_here_believes_in_psychokinesis/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aa7v4/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
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What do Sigmund Freud and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both explored the unconscious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aa57i/what_do_sigmund_freud_and_bill_cosby_have_in/
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Turkish Political Humor

Current Turkish gallows humour: A prisoner goes to the prison library, asks for a specific book. The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author." From Moshik_Temkin on Twitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aa4jj/turkish_political_humor/
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I was going to tell a joke about the leader of North Korea having a furniture fetish

But the punchline was uncomfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9aa2qh/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_the_leader_of/
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What’s the difference between my virginity and my will to live?

I haven’t lost my virginity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a9t27/whats_the_difference_between_my_virginity_and_my/
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A priest is trying to understand why people do bad things.

The priest decides to call a meeting with his 3 nuns to discuss people's motivations. Ultimately they realize that they don't know very much about this topic and that it is necessary to go out into the world and do some "bad" things. The priest instructs each nun to go out and do "bad" things and come back and talk about what they learned. The nuns follow the priests directions and leave.
The first nun arrives and says to the priest, "I stole a car. After I stole it, I sold it for parts."
The priest looked at her in shock and says, "Quickly, drink some holy water. Say 15 hail marys and we will discuss what you did later."
The second nun arrives and tells the priest, "I joined a gang and went on a crime spree. I stole from people, I hurt people, and I had sex with people."
The priest's face reflects complete horror. "Hurry, drink lots and lots of holy water! When you are done say 50 Hail Marys and we will discuss what you did later."
Finally the last nun arrives and the priest is anxious. "Tell me, you couldn't have done anything worse than these two right?"
The nun smiles and says, "I peed in the holy water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a9qrp/a_priest_is_trying_to_understand_why_people_do/
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What has four legs, two mouths, is very scary and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a9nsm/what_has_four_legs_two_mouths_is_very_scary_and/
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A distressed woman visits a healer...

"Please, you have to help me. Every day when my husband comes home from work, he beats the shit out of me. I don't know what to do anymore."
The healer says: "You see, in every man's soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger. My ancestors believed that all this violence is locked up behind the fah-kahb, the gate of wisdom. Well, what happens when a man's fah-kahb breaks open? I think you know the answer. But don't worry, I have a very strong potion that will protect you. Be warned though, it is also poisonous. Whatever you do, don't swallow it. Just take a sip and keep it in your mouth. It will keep you safe until your husband goes to bed, then you can spit it out."
And so he opens a drawer, gives her a little brown bottle and with another warning about never swallowing the potion, he sends her on her way.
The next day she comes back: "I can't believe it. I tried the potion yesterday and my husband came home, gave me a kiss, made dinner, cleaned up afterwards and then poured a bath for me. I've never seen him so gentle and loving. You have to tell me how the potion works!"
"It just helps you shut the fah-kahb".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a9kg0/a_distressed_woman_visits_a_healer/
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I know a plane that attracts boys and girls..

It’s a biplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a9jv9/i_know_a_plane_that_attracts_boys_and_girls/
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What does, “Preguntando por un amigo,” mean?

Asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a9jft/what_does_preguntando_por_un_amigo_mean/
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I guess you could say playing quietly.......

Just isnt my forte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a9hva/i_guess_you_could_say_playing_quietly/
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What does a school cafeteria and the KSI vs Logan Paul fight have in common?

Their beef is fake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a9gr6/what_does_a_school_cafeteria_and_the_ksi_vs_logan/
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Two fleas meet...

One of them is round, healthy and clean the other is skinny, sick and very dirty. The clean one asks the dirty one “Why are you so skinny and dirty?” and he replies “Because I live in a bikers beard. All day I have alcohol and tabaco smoke... it’s awful. What about you? How come you are so fat an healthy?”, to which the other flea replies “Well I live near a woman lady parts. It’s warm clean and you have no stress. You should try to move there!”. The sick flea says that he will do that and they part ways.
After some time they meet again. The healthy one is even more fatter and cleaner the sick one is even skinnier and dirtier.
“Didn’t you move to a woman’s lady parts?!” asks the fat one.
“I did...” replies the sick one “but after a day I woke again in the bikers beard”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a9f8p/two_fleas_meet/
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After work, I volunteer to help blind children

By the way: Verb, not adjective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a9cw8/after_work_i_volunteer_to_help_blind_children/
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I have a litter of Pomeranian puppies specifically nurtured to look like a French loaf, 500$ per pupper

Please don’t ask me to go lower on the price, they are *pure bread*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a9c05/i_have_a_litter_of_pomeranian_puppies/
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3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a996q/3_dead_bodies_turn_up_at_the_mortuary_all_with/
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My buddy Jacob is a bad driver

So Jacob got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.
Jacob said, "this is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my backseat which it still unbroken. This surely is a sign. We should toast"
The other man agreed, it was a sign and a toast was in order. So Jacob popped the cork and the other man took a big swig and passed the bottle back. And my buddy Jacob said, "no thanks. I'll wait for the cops to show up first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a8ti6/my_buddy_jacob_is_a_bad_driver/
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What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One’s really heavy, and the second’s a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a8r8z/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Turkish gallows humor

A prisoner goes to the prison library, and asks for a specific book. The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a8qmn/turkish_gallows_humor/
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A man in an unhappy marriage has an attractive secretary

One day, the sexual tension between him and his secretary gets to be too much to bear, and in the middle of the work day they rush out in secret, grab a hotel, and fuck all afternoon. The sex was so good that both of them pass out. When the man wakes up, he realizes it's 7:00 pm, and he's late for dinner.
Realizing that his wife is going to be very angry at him and demand to know where he's been, he decides to take his shoes and run them through the grass outside as much as he can. After his shoes get good and scuffed with grass, he drives home.
His wife, predictably, is there waiting for him, and madder than the fire of a thousand suns. His food is on the table, already cold. She is holding a frying pan, and demands to know where he was.
"Honey," he said. "I'm not going to lie to you. I was having sex with my secretary all afternoon in a hotel. That is the unvarnished truth."
Suspicious, his wife looks him up and down. Then she notices the grass stains on his shoes.
"You lying sack of shit," she says. "You've been off playing golf, haven't you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a8qk2/a_man_in_an_unhappy_marriage_has_an_attractive/
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So, a bunch of church friars realize the church is losing money...

"we have to figure out a way to keep the doors open!"
So the friars think and think and finally come up with the idea to sell "Jesus flowers." And lo and behold, it's a huge success. People are buying Jesus flowers almost as quickly as the friars can grow them!
Unfortunately, it has the adverse effect of slowly putting the local florists out of business.  The local florists, knowing the friars will care about the community members, go up to the friars and ask if they'll stop. And!... It doesn't work. The friars basically tell the florists to shove off.
In a final, desperate attempt to save the local florists businesses, all of the florists get together and hire a gentleman from the town mafioso named Hue to go teach the friars a lesson. And he does. And the friars close up shop. And the local florist's businesses are saved!
And it goes to show you... Hue, and only Hue, can prevent... Florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a8lwj/so_a_bunch_of_church_friars_realize_the_church_is/
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Stop making jokes on blind people...

....they don't see the point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a8kh6/stop_making_jokes_on_blind_people/
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"Doctor," the embarrassed man said,

"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a8htj/doctor_the_embarrassed_man_said/
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I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a8hht/i_opened_a_company_selling_landmines_disguised_as/
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What's common between an old guy and a painting?

It only takes one bad stroke to kill them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a8fny/whats_common_between_an_old_guy_and_a_painting/
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A friend just asked me to be usher at his wedding.

I told him that I don't mind learning a few of his songs but I am really not comfortable blacking up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a8fd8/a_friend_just_asked_me_to_be_usher_at_his_wedding/
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Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and
keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the
husband starts getting
amorous.
Wife says: "I'm not starting
the old washing machine for
such a small load. You'll have
to do it by hand!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a8byk/husband_is_walking_behind_his_wife_and_says_your/
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What does glass taste like?

Blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a89up/what_does_glass_taste_like/
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Was at a party where the DJ was playing the music too quietly so I asked him to turn it up.

Thought it was nice to offer some sound advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a89nc/was_at_a_party_where_the_dj_was_playing_the_music/
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2 brothers are lost in the woods

Without a map or any food they wander the woods in hopes of finding something!
After a few hours they spot a small hut, with smoke coming from a chimney.
Ecstatic, they run right to the door and begin pounding.
An old overweight woman answers the door.
"My what striking young men you are! What do I owe the pleasure?"
The eldest brother insists that they are lost, starving, and in desperate need of a way out of the woods.
"Ok" says the old lady with a shady grin.
"But first one of you will have to fuck me, good and hard, I won't give you anything until I cum!"
The eldest brother thinking quick shoves his virgin brother in the door and yells to have fun.
He the runs to the nearest window to hear the act.
"Well come along young man, you have quite the task at hand"
The old woman leads the youngest brother to the bedroom, where she begins to undress. Showing off all her liver spots, fat rolls, and yellow chipped toenails. She lays on the bed, head back, eyes closed, and waits for the last chance at love making.
"Hurry it up sweety, I'm only going to be wet for so long!"
The youngest brother, not wanting to do this at all, frantically looks around the room looking for a solution.
Aha! He thinks to himself as he spots a basket of corncobs.
With a quick motion he grabs the corn cobs and shoves it in the old lady.
losing niblets in her he decides to grab a new cob and Chuck the used one out the window. Continuing until there is none left.
Satisfied the old woman gets up, reclothes, and leads the boy to the kitchen.
Packs him supplies, a map, and a compass.
The boy waves farewell and exits the hut.
Excited, he runs up to his older brother, showing off the food and map.
He asks the oldest if he would like anything to eat.
"No! I'm stuffed! Some idiot kept throwing buttered corn out the window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a88c1/2_brothers_are_lost_in_the_woods/
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A man goes out drinking and find an unusually downtrodden bartender.

He asks the bartender what the matter is and he says:
“You see this bar? I built it with my own two hands. No one’s ever called me bar builder.
You see that beer? I brewed it myself. No one’s ever called me beer brewer.
You see that deer on the wall? I killed and stuffed it myself. No one’s ever called me deer killer.
But you fuck one goat...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a867x/a_man_goes_out_drinking_and_find_an_unusually/
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Did you hear about the guy that froze himself to absolute zero?

He's 0k now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a84hs/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_froze_himself_to/
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My missus packed my bags.

As I was walking out the door she said 'I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!'
'Oh' I replied 'So you want me to stay now then?!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a84f5/my_missus_packed_my_bags/
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How many superheroes can you fit in one car?

Five
Two in the front
Two in the back
And Peter Parker in the ash tray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a7zmx/how_many_superheroes_can_you_fit_in_one_car/
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What comes standard with every German house?

A front porsche

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a7x7k/what_comes_standard_with_every_german_house/
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A CEO and his board of directors gather for a meeting

CEO: We need to stop testing our products on animals.
Board: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.
CEO: Yeah but we make hammers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a7wqq/a_ceo_and_his_board_of_directors_gather_for_a/
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My ex-wife still misses me.

But her aim is steadily improving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a7qks/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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The perils of planning a Christmas party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 4
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
The CEO will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 5
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party”. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 6
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table… you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous any more!!!!!
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the union officials feel that $10 is too much money and management believe $10 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too. To the person asking permission to cross-dress – no cross-dressing allowed.
Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food – we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything ?!?!?!?!
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 8
RE: The Holiday Party
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for “Santa” does happen to be “Satan.” There is no evil connotation to our own little “man in a red suit.”
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: November 9
RE: The F****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian jerks, I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table farthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW !!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, The Bitch from HELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
—————————————————————————
FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 9
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of December 23 off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a7m8d/the_perils_of_planning_a_christmas_party/
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Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00..

Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..
Riceless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a7lc9/chinese_takeout_2000_gas_to_pick_it_up_1000/
%
Why do farts stink?

So the deaf can enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a7kca/why_do_farts_stink/
%
Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket

They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:
It's stale mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a7k9v/two_australians_are_fighting_over_the_last_loaf/
%
When our little girl was sick in hospital we bought her a lifetime supply of crayons.

It cost $3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a7hvc/when_our_little_girl_was_sick_in_hospital_we/
%
What is a pirates favorite letter ?

WRONG!  People always say "R", but really it be the "C" (think about it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a7htw/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"

Man: Yeah.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00, including the tip.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: What color is your Ferrari?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a7erc/a_woman_asks_a_man_do_you_drink_beer/
%
I got in a fight with a guy at the park because he was hogging the playground equipment.

He took a swing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a7czy/i_got_in_a_fight_with_a_guy_at_the_park_because/
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Morgue employee was cremated by mistake while taking a nap

Two people got fired that day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a76qd/morgue_employee_was_cremated_by_mistake_while/
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Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

My bosses tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a733p/whats_12_inches_long_and_hangs_in_front_of_an/
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What do you call a beautiful taser?

Stunning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6zb3/what_do_you_call_a_beautiful_taser/
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Some women can be so shallow.

I mean everything was going great at our first dinner date until I told her what kind of car I lived in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6x0q/some_women_can_be_so_shallow/
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Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids…

Popped on here while I waited for the kettle to boil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6wb7/just_been_challenged_to_a_water_fight_by_next/
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Punch line first

Years ago this radio station was having a contest about the best punch line.
Everyone was calling in telling a jokes punchline first and whoever had the best punchline won a prize and got to tell their joke on the air.
So all these random punchlines where called in about the rabbi said this and the guy said that, and the blond did this until one guy called and said:
“The tapeworm sticks his head out out the guys ass and says where’s my Lemon cookie?”
The radio host immediately stops the show laughing out loud and says we got a winner and can’t wait to hear the full joke even though we already know the punchline.
So here’s the full joke:
Guy goes to the doctor and complains about stomach pains and weight loss. After running some tests the doctor tells him he has tapeworms.
The guy is disgusted and what’s immediate treatment.
The doctor says that there are some medications, but they have a lot of side-effects. He has his own holistic method that always works.
Tells him to go home and try this for a week and come back.
1st, take a whole apple and shove it up his ass.  Right after doing that he should shove a lemon cookie up there also.
The guy comes back early after 5 days and tells the doctor:
“I know you’re the one that went to medical school, but this method of yours isn’t working. The whole Apple and cookie hurt like hell and I don’t feel any better.”
The doctor tells him to bend over and let him try one more time.
He shoves another Apple up the guys ass and waits and waits until the
The tapeworm sticks his head out out the guys ass and says where’s my Lemon cookie?
The doctor quickly grabs the worm and pulls it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6utq/punch_line_first/
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Dad are we builders?

Yes mason!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6uea/dad_are_we_builders/
%
Today I donated my watch

, my phone and 500$. to a poor guy. You don’t know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6u1p/today_i_donated_my_watch/
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What happened when the Borg’s central computer was destroyed?

They lost their collective minds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6rp8/what_happened_when_the_borgs_central_computer_was/
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What happened when the two bullets got married?

They had a BB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6qdp/what_happened_when_the_two_bullets_got_married/
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What do you say when you hear a ghost telling lies?

Boo-sheet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6pl5/what_do_you_say_when_you_hear_a_ghost_telling_lies/
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A guy enters a store and buys 30 naphthalene balls.

A guy enters a store and asks the lady at the counter for a pack of 30 naphthalene balls because he got moths in his room,the woman gives him the naphthalene balls and the man goes home.
The second day he come back and asks again for a pack of 30 naphthalene balls.
The woman thinks it's a bit odd but she doesn't question it, maybe the man has a lot of moths, again, the man gets the pack of naphthalene and goes home.
The third day the man comes again in the same store and asks for a pack of 30 naphthalene balls.
The woman very intrigued and confused asks the man:
W: What in the God's name are you doing with so much naphthalene, how many moths can you possibly have?!
M: I only got one, but i can't hit it, I've been trying to kill that damn thing for 3 days!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6kel/a_guy_enters_a_store_and_buys_30_naphthalene_balls/
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Why don’t ants ever get sick?

They have little anti bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6jyi/why_dont_ants_ever_get_sick/
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I assume 9 out of 10 redditors are guys

I’m only wrong about 10 percent of the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6jp8/i_assume_9_out_of_10_redditors_are_guys/
%
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM

I asked him what he was doing and he said he was checking his balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6fs8/saw_a_man_standing_on_one_leg_at_an_atm/
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I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home.

She smiled and said “yes!” But seemed very surprised when I took her cardboard box and walked away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6drb/i_asked_a_homeless_girl_if_i_could_take_her_home/
%
Boss: Did you know why I called you here?

Oliver: I accidentally sent you a picture of my dick.
Boss: Accidentally?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6cpf/boss_did_you_know_why_i_called_you_here/
%
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6ba2/why_do_chemists_like_nitrates_so_much/
%
What do you call a group of pirates?

An ARRRRRRRRRmy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6api/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_pirates/
%
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a69lk/the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
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What is a gamers explanation for first seeing the lightning and then hearing thunder

Lag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a678p/what_is_a_gamers_explanation_for_first_seeing_the/
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A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told him, that's the last thing I need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a6605/a_man_tried_to_sell_me_a_coffin_today/
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Why are people with a foot fetish losers?

Because they like the taste of DA FEET

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a62w5/why_are_people_with_a_foot_fetish_losers/
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A Scotsman goes to America and attends his very baseball game.

He’s never been to a game in Scotland, nor watched a game on TV, or seen movies such as Bull Durham, The Babe or Eight Men Out.
He figures out players need to beat out the throw to first base before arriving to first base
The visiting teams pitcher throws 4 pitches out of the strike zone, the last one being a ball the catcher was unable to catch.
The batter s-l-o-w-l-y trots to first base.
The Scotsmen gets up and screams “RUN, MAN, RUN” while wildly waving his arms
His American friend, who took him the game says “He doesn’t need to run, he has four balls”
The Scotsmen then remarks “Walk, and walk PROUDLY”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a62cv/a_scotsman_goes_to_america_and_attends_his_very/
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My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I keep quoting Sherlock all the time....

I think she shouldn't talk out loud. She lowers the IQ of the whole street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a618o/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_she_says_i/
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I hate reality checks

Cause I can't cash them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a5zy8/i_hate_reality_checks/
%
Don't get confused between the testes and the urethra.

There's a vas deferens between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a5z6z/dont_get_confused_between_the_testes_and_the/
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A man finally hires the famous hooker who can give a blowjob and sing at the same time

Indeed, for months, the man's friends had been telling him about this hooker who gives amazing blowjobs while singing,  so, even though he was sceptical, the man finally took action and hired her.
When the hooker finally comes, the man asks her if she can sing a national anthem while doing her job, curious to see which one she will choose , and the hooker says "Fine, but there is one rule you must follow: never turn on the lights before my job is done!".
The man accepts, makes himself comfortable and the hooker turns off the lights and begins to give him the blowjob, while she starts to sing La Marseillaise with a clear and beautiful voice.
This is the best and the most special blowjob the man had ever been given , but the curiosity was too strong : was there another woman singing in the room? Is it a recording? In that case, does she have a recording of every song in the world?
Eventually,  the man yielded to the temptation of discovering the truth and turned on the lights.
At first, while quickly looking around the room, he didn't notice anything strange , but then he saw the glass eye on the nightstand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a5u9m/a_man_finally_hires_the_famous_hooker_who_can/
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Two monkeys, one is lucky and the other is not...

Everyday they go to a banana farm and the lucky one climbs a tree and throws the bananas to the other one. And everyday, the farm owner gathers the farmers and catch the unlucky monkey and beat him.
One day, the unlucky monkey is fed up with the beating and tells the lucky monkey to wait while he climbs the tree and throw the bananas. This time, the farmers catch the lucky monkey.
The farm owner says:
Leave him, we have already beaten him many times. Get me that motherfucker on the tree this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a5ne4/two_monkeys_one_is_lucky_and_the_other_is_not/
%
I tried to catch fog yesterday,

Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a5el5/i_tried_to_catch_fog_yesterday/
%
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

“‘Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."
Archie nods approvingly.
"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.
"A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a5dz0/two_scots_archie_and_jock_are_sitting_in_the_pub/
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HoverDildo™

A lady engineer working late one night at a robotics company suddenly got a million-dollar idea! She then gathered up some spare parts and got to work on her side-project.
The next day, she showed one of her colleagues what she had been working on - A high-tech sex toy she called the HoverDildo™.
"How does it work?" the colleague asked.
"Well," said the engineer, "Like most smart devices, you first say its name to activate it. Then, once it's on, you just tell it where you want it to go! Watch..."
She placed the toy on the table and called out;
"HoverDildo!"
There was a little chime sound.
"My vagina!"
The device didn't even wait for her to drop trou. It lifted itself off the table and flew right up the woman's skirt, slithering its way into her crotch! It pounded and vibrated like no human member could as the lady engineer fell to the floor, squirming with pleasure.
"Whoa, that's insane!" her colleague said. "But... How do you turn it off?"
A wave of shock filled the engineer's mind. She was so tired from working all night that she forgot to program an off command! So she decided to hide in the janitor's closet until the thing ran out of power...
Hours passed. She couldn't stand it anymore. The boss noticed his top engineer had just disappeared, and he was getting suspicious. He started checking all over the building until he found her in the closet, writhing and exhausted, in a puddle of her own mess.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?" he bellowed, his voice full of rage.
"Sir... I can explain...I invented this HoverDildo and I can't turn it off, an--"
The boss scoffed.
"Yeah, right! Hover Dildo my ass!"
There was a little chime sound...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a59c9/hoverdildo/
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What's green and fuzzy and if it falls from a tree it'll kill you?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a58zq/whats_green_and_fuzzy_and_if_it_falls_from_a_tree/
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Fun Fact: if you drop a can of Coca-Cola on your foot it will hurt.

A little ironic considering it's a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a57vx/fun_fact_if_you_drop_a_can_of_cocacola_on_your/
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Finish What You Start!

My Therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what i start.
So far i've finished 2 bags of M'&M'S and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a57tr/finish_what_you_start/
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What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a54mp/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
What’s the hardest part of Rollerblading?

Telling your parents you’re gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a511x/whats_the_hardest_part_of_rollerblading/
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Have you seen that clown that hides from gay people at McDonald's?

Of course you haven't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a4xc0/have_you_seen_that_clown_that_hides_from_gay/
%
I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool.

There I was just minding my own business then BOSCH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a4woq/i_was_attacked_last_night_in_the_street_by_a/
%
How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?

They'll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a4u6z/how_do_mexicans_feel_about_trumps_wall/
%
V

.
Whoops, lost ctrl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a4pux/v/
%
I like my women the same as I like my coffee

Cold, dark and bitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a4pr2/i_like_my_women_the_same_as_i_like_my_coffee/
%
What do you call a network that is down?

A notwork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a4nui/what_do_you_call_a_network_that_is_down/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a4nta/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
I was with a girl in Thailand recently. She was a butternuts.

Everything about was hot but her nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a4kp9/i_was_with_a_girl_in_thailand_recently_she_was_a/
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What is the similarity between a fat American and rich British person

Both of them have a lot of pounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a4ked/what_is_the_similarity_between_a_fat_american_and/
%
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but failed.

Good players are hard to find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a4iuo/i_tried_to_organize_a_professional_hide_and_seek/
%
What’s the difference between an American lift and an African lift?

The American is 2000 pounds or 10 ppl and the African is 10 pounds or 2000 ppl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a4i85/whats_the_difference_between_an_american_lift_and/
%
My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a4hdx/my_wife_and_i_often_laugh_about_how_competitive/
%
Two men fell madly in love with the same woman

They went to the woman and demanded she choose between them.
The woman told the two men that they were young and inexperienced, they should both go all the way around the world at least once before she could decide.
The first man immediately went home, began packing, and booked a the first flight out of the country.
The second man went home, but returned to the woman the next day and walked a circle around her. He looked into her eyes and told her that she was the whole world to him.
Who do you think she chose?
​Answer: >!The rich one!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a4gmv/two_men_fell_madly_in_love_with_the_same_woman/
%
"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes, we arson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a4doj/dad_are_we_pyromaniacs/
%
I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a481u/i_accidentally_installed_a_program_that_keeps/
%
A company is building a tower with diffrent floors

The first floor will be a hexagon the 2nd pentagon, ah you dont need to hear it from me, each story has diffrent sides anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a3yn2/a_company_is_building_a_tower_with_diffrent_floors/
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I just bought a U2 GPS system for my car

But it's useless. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a3wd9/i_just_bought_a_u2_gps_system_for_my_car/
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What do you call a T-Rex after the gym?

Kinda-saur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a3w8k/what_do_you_call_a_trex_after_the_gym/
%
Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a3vry/oh_sure_my_friend_donates_a_kidney_to_the_city/
%
What do you get when you cross my mom with my dad?

I don't know, but my dad says it was a mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a3sqj/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_my_mom_with_my_dad/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a3q5c/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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Two midgets are turning 40

Two midgets were turning 40 and they were both still virgins. They decided to go to Las Vegas hire two hookers and celebrate their 40th birthday properly.
They check into the hotel get two adjoining rooms and ordered couple of girls.
The first one opens the door and sees the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. While he invites her in he can hear his friend next-door is already going at it.
“1, 2,3 ahhhh!”
“1, 2,3 ahhhh!”
“1, 2,3 ahhhh!”
He starts to get more nervous and watches as the girl starts undressing.
Meanwhile his friend next door is still going strong.
“1, 2,3 ahhhh!”
“1, 2,3 ahhhh!”
“1, 2,3 ahhhh!”
He gets naked on the bed and the girl comes towards him very seductively. But he is so anxious that he can’t get an erection.
No matter what the girl does he’s still soft.
She touches him. Licks him. Sucks him. NOTHING!
Meanwhile from next door.
“1, 2,3 ahhhh!”
“1, 2,3 ahhhh!”
“1, 2,3 ahhhh!”
He can’t take it anymore. Pays the girl embarrassingly and drinks himself to sleep trying to tune out the sexcapade next door.
The next morning he’s at breakfast early knowing that his buddy is going to come tell him all about his “1, 2,3 ahhhh’s”
His friend shows up looking more depressed than him.
He asks what’s Wrong?
He says. I don’t want to talk about it!
What do you mean? He asks puzzled
He says I don’t want to talk about it in a pissed of mood.
“You don’t want to talk about it? YOU don’t want to talk about it? I couldn’t get a fucking erection all night!”
“An erection!” His friend screams
“I couldn’t even get on the damn bed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a3mb5/two_midgets_are_turning_40/
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A Jewish and a Chinese Guy.

Once two dudes, a Jew and a Chinaman were talking.
J: You evil Japanese started World War 2 by bombing Pearl Harbour.
C: I'm Chinese, not Japanese.
J: But you all look the same.
C: Well you sunk the Titanic.
J: That was an iceberg.
C: Iceberg, Goldberg, Bloomberg, its all the same to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a3lvp/a_jewish_and_a_chinese_guy/
%
There was once a soap opera called "Touched By An Angle"

but most episodes just went off on tangents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a3k62/there_was_once_a_soap_opera_called_touched_by_an/
%
Why do Native Americans hate snow?

It's white and on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a3j5f/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
%
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a3in0/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank_and_approaches_the_teller/
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What did the horny zombie say to superman?

See you in the kryptonite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a3hah/what_did_the_horny_zombie_say_to_superman/
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She told me to remove the bra, so i did. Then she told me to remove the panties, so i did. Then she looked me the eyes and said

Stop wearing my underwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a3e8n/she_told_me_to_remove_the_bra_so_i_did_then_she/
%
Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken always comes in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a3cfv/why_does_barbie_never_get_pregnant/
%
Among all the politically incorrect jokes on this sub, here’s my favorite:

Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a36oe/among_all_the_politically_incorrect_jokes_on_this/
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Shouldn‘t we just merge two subs of the same nature with similar content?

r/recycling members would be delighted by the efficiency over here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a34pk/shouldnt_we_just_merge_two_subs_of_the_same/
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I tried out for the Marines but fell just short of their requirements

So they put me in the Navy since I was a sub-marine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2ybc/i_tried_out_for_the_marines_but_fell_just_short/
%
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up family trees.
A gynecologist looks up bushes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2xm0/whats_the_difference_between_a_genealogist_and_a/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He stays up at night wondering if there is a dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2xf3/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
%
What did Rick Astley say to the doctor?

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2vlx/what_did_rick_astley_say_to_the_doctor/
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What do you get when you cross a baby with an octopus?

An angry letter from the ethics committee and immediate cessation of all funding.
(The joke about the man and the egg reminded me of this).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2tr7/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_baby_with_an/
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How do gamer guys pee?

Spray and Pray or split-stream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2tqo/how_do_gamer_guys_pee/
%
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2sqh/guy_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_we/
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My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have sex?

He winked at me and said "Ill be ready by the time this joke gets reposted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2s0s/my_wife_gave_birth_this_morning_i_said_to_the/
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After a few long years of teaching, my disgruntled french teacher now finally retired

Hola Amigo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2p98/after_a_few_long_years_of_teaching_my_disgruntled/
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Me and girls are like parallel lines.

We never touch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2or2/me_and_girls_are_like_parallel_lines/
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Johnny goes to school on the first day of second grade

.  The teacher asks each student to say their name.
Johnny replies, "my name is Johnny Fuckhour".
The teacher immediately scolds him and tells him that such language will not be tolerated.
"But that's my name," he protests.  "If you don't believe me, go ask my brother in the fifth grade."
So the teacher marches him over to the fifth grade classroom and asks the fifth grade teacher, "do you have a Fuckhour in here?"
One of the students replies, "oh, no, we don't even have a nap time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2m0h/johnny_goes_to_school_on_the_first_day_of_second/
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I like my women like I like my marijuana...

Chopped into tiny pieces and burned to ashes without the police ever finding out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2g00/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_marijuana/
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Technology Huh

FIRST TEXT:
Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make.
I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in a text message as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around, in fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.
The temptation was just too much.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.
Regards,
Alan.
Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, walked next door and shot his neighbor dead.
Returning home, he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Then he took out his phone and saw he had a second text message from his neighbor, Alan.
SECOND TEXT:
Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned auto-correct changed 'WiFi' to 'Wife.'
Crazy technology, huh?!
Regards,
Alan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2e1q/technology_huh/
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What is Donald Trump’s least favorite flavor of ice cream?

Peach Mint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2drh/what_is_donald_trumps_least_favorite_flavor_of/
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A man with no legs is waiting for a bus..

Bus driver pulls up and asks,
Well how you getting on today?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2bp6/a_man_with_no_legs_is_waiting_for_a_bus/
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Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: I dunno, why?
Her: To get to your house.
Me: OK... I don't really under-
Her: Knock knock.
Me: Wha- who's there?
Her: The chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2blk/her_why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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What did the doctor say to the midget in the waiting room?

You’re going to have to be a little patient

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2aus/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_midget_in_the/
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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a29xp/this_asshole_calling_himself_a_food_critic_said/
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One time a lady walked up to me and asked me about my relationship with God

I politely responded "Well Jesus and I were going steady for a while but we broke up. One day I came home from work and he was spread out and being nailed by a bunch of Romans, so I had to break it off, he tried to hang in there but our relationship was dead a few days later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a29ll/one_time_a_lady_walked_up_to_me_and_asked_me/
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Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a26ql/girlfriends_parents_werent_home_hormones_were/
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How do you stop Post Malone stealing your weed?

Hide it under a bar of soap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a20yk/how_do_you_stop_post_malone_stealing_your_weed/
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President Trump and Queen Elizabeth are having a political discussion...

President Trump and Queen Elizabeth are having a discussion about politics. Trump asks the Queen, "Could the United States become a Kingdom, like yours?"
And the Queen responds, "No, a Kingdom is ruled by a King. I'm sorry but you are no King."
This upsets Trump, but he thinks it over a bit before asking "What about a Principality? Maybe the US could do that."
"Sorry, but you would need to be a Prince to have a Principality. And your are no Prince." Replies the Queen.
"Okay," says Trump, "an Empire. The US will be the greatest Empire in History!"
The Queen sighs and says, "Donald, I'm sorry that you're not getting this. But an Empire needs an Emperor, which you certainly are not. I don't mean to be rude, but after meeting you I think it's clear that the United States is perfectly suited as a Country."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a2087/president_trump_and_queen_elizabeth_are_having_a/
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Hot dogs really should be renamed to hot wolves

They always come in packs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a1y08/hot_dogs_really_should_be_renamed_to_hot_wolves/
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I like my women like I like my coffee...

Imported for dirt cheap from third-world countries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a1u8z/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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I asked my wife why there was an empty milk bottle in the fridge?

"In case someone wants a black coffee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a1s09/i_asked_my_wife_why_there_was_an_empty_milk/
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After reading a recent study that found that the negative effects of alcohol greatly outweigh the benefits, I’ve decided it’s time for a change in my life.

I’ve decided to give up recent studies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a1om5/after_reading_a_recent_study_that_found_that_the/
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There once was a man who looked especially ugly

Feeling depressed about being the ugliest person in the world, he tried to kill himself, only for a slightly less ugly person to save him at the last minute.
“Thank you, kind sir! Why did you save me?”
“I don’t want first place.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a1np0/there_once_was_a_man_who_looked_especially_ugly/
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A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked," May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not? " the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister ??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a1ncv/a_nun_really_needing_to_go_to_the_bathroom_walked/
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What’s the difference between America and Ethiopia

There’s Ethiopian food in America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a1kbi/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_ethiopia/
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Me: "Thank you for that glass of milk earlier."

Sperm Bank Employee (SBE): "What glass of milk?"
Me: "The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk."
SBE: "Oh my god!"
Me: "What?"
SBE: "You drank my glass of milk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a1d0n/me_thank_you_for_that_glass_of_milk_earlier/
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A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel.

The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.
The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.
"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"
"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.
"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"
"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"
"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a18q4/a_texas_rancher_was_visiting_a_farmer_in_israel/
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My family is like treasure

You need a map, and a shovel to find them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a150r/my_family_is_like_treasure/
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I wanted to show you guys a BDSM meme

...but my hands are tied.
(Is actually a repost from myself at r/3amjokes but got only 2 views so)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a14k4/i_wanted_to_show_you_guys_a_bdsm_meme/
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I got fired from my job as a teacher for sending a student to the office for being tardy

Apparently, it's not acceptable behavior for a special ed teacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a13ph/i_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_teacher_for_sending/
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What kind of payment does the Pope use to make online transactions?

Pa’pal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a11zh/what_kind_of_payment_does_the_pope_use_to_make/
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A Greek boyfriend

A chaste, young reverend's daughter marries a strapping young Greek man. Her conservative mother worries, and, considering herself a bit more worldly than her daughter, was worried about their...nightly nuptials.
"So, um," starts the mother, "Have you two been...you know...having intimate relations?"
"Yes, mother," says the daughter.
"He...he...hasn't been trying to do it in...in the...other hole, has he?"
"No, mother."
"Oh, thank heavens."
"He says you can get pregnant that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a0x0f/a_greek_boyfriend/
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I finally broke down and joined Christian Mingle

My username is ComeGetPsalm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a0wfi/i_finally_broke_down_and_joined_christian_mingle/
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John and Tom are captured by an indigenous African tribe

They are brought to the chief who says: "If you not want dead, you bring me 100 fruits”
The two prisoners then go to the jungle in order to collect the fruits.
John soon finishes and brings a 100 cherries.
“Shove them in you ass without making sound.”, the chief ordered.
John does as he was asked and quickly arrives to the penultimate cherry. At this moment, contrary to all expectations, he starts laughing hysterically.
“Why you make haha?”, the chief asked.
John pointed to Tom who was carying a load of watermelons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a0ogf/john_and_tom_are_captured_by_an_indigenous/
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I ate a salad for dinner!

It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.
Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce.
And cheese.
... I had a pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a0ng6/i_ate_a_salad_for_dinner/
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If you sat with your hands in the fountain of youth,

would your hands get wrinkly?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a0kyn/if_you_sat_with_your_hands_in_the_fountain_of/
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A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.
Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.
On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-sized teddy bears, and on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.
She begins to think that he's gentle and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She goes down on him, and lets him really give it to her in any position he wants, and even takes it in the rear!
In the morning as she's getting dressed, she smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and replies, "Hmmm not too bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a0kpp/a_woman_decides_to_go_home_with_a_guy_she_met_at/
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So the human cannonball decided to quit his job at the circus...

The ringmaster said "Please, no you can't! We'll never be able to find another
man of your caliber!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a0j2g/so_the_human_cannonball_decided_to_quit_his_job/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a0imz/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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A guy turns 61 and to cheer himself up he gets a facelift. It turns out really good and he goes back to work. On his first day he goes to Starbucks for coffee and decides to try it out: “Excuse me, can you tell me how old you think I am?”

It turns out really good and he goes back to work. On his first day he goes to Starbucks for coffee and decides to try it out: “Excuse me, can you tell me how old you think I am?” and the girl goes “I don’t know...53?” He says “ well that’s great, I’m actually 61.“ Later that day, he goes to McDonald’s for lunch and asks the same question to the girl at the counter. She answers 50? “And he answers “wow that’s great, I’m actually 61. “ By now he’s feeling really good about himself so when he’s waiting for the bus he decides to try it one more time and says to the old lady sitting next to him, “Excise me, can you tell me how old you think I am?” She says “I can tell you exactly how old you are, but I have to put my hand down your pants to do it. “ The guy thinks that’s really weird but now he wants to know what the trick is. So she’s down there for a good couple minutes, then she takes her hand out and says, “you are exactly 61 years old.” He says “wow that’s amazing! How did you do that? “Her answer: “I was in line behind you at McDonald’s. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a0i2v/a_guy_turns_61_and_to_cheer_himself_up_he_gets_a/
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Boobs are like soda

No one likes them flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a0gcn/boobs_are_like_soda/
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What's one thing you dont want to have while putting out a fire?

Verizon Wireless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a0fao/whats_one_thing_you_dont_want_to_have_while/
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A son says to his dad, "Hey I'm going to get a soda, you need anything?". The dad says, "Yeah get me a beer. Actually, make it two cans.". The son goes into the kitchen and is gone for about an hour and a half. The door opens and he asks his son, "What the hell took so long?".

The son walks in and says, "Well it wasn't easy. I had to go to like three pet stores before I found one that sold toucans."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a0exm/a_son_says_to_his_dad_hey_im_going_to_get_a_soda/
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What's black and white and red all over and can't fit through a revolving door?

a NUN, with a SPEAR through her head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a0eaw/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over_and_cant/
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It's all shits and giggles...

...until someone giggles and shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a0954/its_all_shits_and_giggles/
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I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked.

*MAID:*      -What would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?
*ME:*       -Tea pls.
*MAID:*    -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?
*ME:*     -Ceylon Tea pls.
*MAID:*      -How do U want it, black or white?
*ME:*    -White....
*MAID:*     -Milk or fresh cream?
*ME:*     -With milk.
*MAID:*   -Goat milk or cow milk?
*ME:*     -Cow’s milk.
*MAID:*  -Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?
*ME:*    -Uhm, lemme go with freeze land
cow.
*MAID:*     -Would U like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
*ME:*      -Sugar.
*MAID:*     -Bee sugar or cane sugar?
*ME:*     -Cane sugar
*MAID:*    -White, brown or yellow sugar?
*ME:*     -Aiyo! forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water...
*MAID:*  -Mineral, tap or distilled water?
*ME:*     -Mineral water.
*MAID:*  -Flavored or non flavored?
*ME:*     -In fact, get me an empty glass!
*MAID:*     -Do you want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?
*ME:*   -Free me, I will  swallow my spit..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a094c/i_went_to_see_a_friend_from_a_very_rich_family/
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How many ants does it take to fill an apartment

Tenants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a078v/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_fill_an_apartment/
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My Biology teacher told me ants are female

The males are called uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9a01rb/my_biology_teacher_told_me_ants_are_female/
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Today I gave a homeless person a warm new home..

I gave him counterfeit money to buy food which got him arrested.
Now he's got a warm jail and free meals twice a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99zz38/today_i_gave_a_homeless_person_a_warm_new_home/
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A dad is on his death bed and ask to talk to his only son.

Son: Dad, please tell me what I can do for you before you go.
Father: Alright son, my only wish would be for you to bring both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back to our house before I die.
Son: I'll do my best.
*3 hours later the son somehow manages to bring Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back to his father's house.*
Son: Dad! I did what you asked me. They're both here. Why did you want them here anyway?
Father: You see son, when Jesus was crucified, he died next to 2 thieves. So I wanted to go the same way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99zysk/a_dad_is_on_his_death_bed_and_ask_to_talk_to_his/
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The wife and I were playing a friendly math game last night

She thought she had me but I beat her with a 2x4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99zx3f/the_wife_and_i_were_playing_a_friendly_math_game/
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I bumped into a stranger. He turned around and told me he was gonna rearrange my teeth.

What a great dentist he was - so glad I met him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99zwd7/i_bumped_into_a_stranger_he_turned_around_and/
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They say...

.. if you put your ear up against a strangers inner thigh, you can actually hear them saying "dude, what the fuck are you doing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99zqff/they_say/
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How many cocks can the average man fit in his ass?

I don't know, but I'm not allowed at my uncle's farm anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99zotw/how_many_cocks_can_the_average_man_fit_in_his_ass/
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This lady at the pub...

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99znt9/this_lady_at_the_pub/
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I got fired from my job at a carpet shop

Apparently asking customers "fancy a shag?" is inappropriate ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99zmyy/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_a_carpet_shop/
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Why don't bisexuals eat at Panda Express?

Because they're always telling them to pick a side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99zim0/why_dont_bisexuals_eat_at_panda_express/
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How does a colorblind person see the LGBTQ flag?

They see it in gayscale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99zgi1/how_does_a_colorblind_person_see_the_lgbtq_flag/
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How does the moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99zetp/how_does_the_moon_cut_its_hair/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99zcal/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
I applied for a job at Google and when I got the job,

I said Yahoo and I was immediately fired﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99zbk7/i_applied_for_a_job_at_google_and_when_i_got_the/
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What's the most terrifying thing to read in Braille?

DO NOT TOUCH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99z9hc/whats_the_most_terrifying_thing_to_read_in_braille/
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I got a job digging holes.

It's well boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99z9do/i_got_a_job_digging_holes/
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You know the saying "bros before hoes"?

Well, I've found out how I can balance my relationships between the two evenly...
...a homie-hoe-stasis, if you will

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99z3bs/you_know_the_saying_bros_before_hoes/
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Where Are O.K. Things Made?

The Satisfactory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99z2m6/where_are_ok_things_made/
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Satan Appears in a Church

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?!"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99yx7o/satan_appears_in_a_church/
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When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man...

it's $3.95 a minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99yrh8/when_a_man_talks_dirty_to_a_woman_its_sexual/
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Little Johnny’s class is learning about good sleeping habits.

The teacher asks the students to talk about how they can improve their sleep.
Cindy raises her hand and says “I have a lot of nightmares so I often don’t get a good sleep.”  The teacher asks “and what can you do to improve that?” Cindy replies “I can stop reading scary stories before bed - that’s what my mom told my brother to do when she found out he was having nightmares.”  The teacher says “very good, Cindy! Who’s next?”
Albert puts up his hand and says “I’ve been sleeping in too much lately because I’m too tired in the morning.” “And what can you do to improve that?” the teacher asks.  Albert responds “I can go to sleep earlier - that’s what my mom told my sister to do when she kept sleeping in.” The teacher says “that’s great Albert! Anyone else?”
Little Johnny puts up his hand and says “I’ve been sleeping over at my friends’ houses a lot, and I just don’t sleep as well as I do in my own bed.” The teacher asks “what can you do to improve that?” Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says “I guess I can go fuck myself - that’s what my mom told my dad to do when she found out he was sleeping around all over town.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99yp7z/little_johnnys_class_is_learning_about_good/
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Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ymzj/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
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My father is very religiuos.

He tells me to do everything for Christ's sake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ykd9/my_father_is_very_religiuos/
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“I’ve been a bad girl,” she said, “I need to be punished.”

So I signed her up for a Comcast account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99yfd2/ive_been_a_bad_girl_she_said_i_need_to_be_punished/
%
Adulthood is like looking both ways before crossing the street

And then getting hit by an airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ye60/adulthood_is_like_looking_both_ways_before/
%
How do construction workers party?

They raise the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99yb66/how_do_construction_workers_party/
%
Women are so unrealistic, they all want a prince on a white horse. Men, on the other hand

are perfectly happy with only a maid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99yaic/women_are_so_unrealistic_they_all_want_a_prince/
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I think same gender couples should not be able to get kids.

No matter how good they are, having 2 dads forces the poor kids to deal with TWICE the dad jokes. Having 2 moms isn't much better, they're all gonna end up in an "Ask your mom" loop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ya9v/i_think_same_gender_couples_should_not_be_able_to/
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What's the secret to building a staircase?

Just take it step-by-step

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99y9vd/whats_the_secret_to_building_a_staircase/
%
My black friend and I were in the library when he asked where the coloured printer was.

I said, "Shit, man, it's 2018. You can use whatever printer you want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99y6gg/my_black_friend_and_i_were_in_the_library_when_he/
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What do you call a 26-mile long G-string?

A marathong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99y4q4/what_do_you_call_a_26mile_long_gstring/
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A young man follows in his father's footsteps... (Long)

The father chopped wood
The son chopped wood
The father built the family home
The son helped expand it
The father did many manual labor jobs to feed the family
The son sacrificed schooling to help at these jobs
The father and son did everything together
They slowly scavenged a collection of tools over the years and were able to start a repair shop
The shop did well
They were able to get a supplier for parts
They sold parts and services out of their home until they could afford to rent a small space
downtown
They called it Ben and Jerry's repair shop.
They made the sign out of wood carvings from the very first tree they chopped down together.
Things were going well.
The son Jerry even met a girl.
He had very little spare time to be with her, but he tried his best.
She ended up leaving him as she felt abandoned more often than not.
Jerry became very depressed and the business reflected that.
The father Ben was aging and couldn't do as much.
Business faltered, shop bills racked up, medical bills, and stress mounted.
Jerry felt responsible, but couldn't pick up the slack.
As strong a reputation as the shop had, a few months of his depression really had them behind on everything.
In his mind, it was his fault and he only saw one way out.
He had a simple plan.
He had to collect life insurance on his own killing.
Jerry hired a local criminal to pretend to rob the shop, and purposely kill him in the process.
The day came and the criminal showed up.
Jerry was ready to play the part. Ben was to be out of town.
Things went awry. The criminal showed up and Jerry noticed Ben in the back room when he was
supposed to be home.
The criminal panicked and shot both of them dead.
Just at that moment, Jerry's recent girlfriend walked in to see the tragedy.
The criminal ran out.
Jerry's girlfriend screamed. A scream you don't forget.
And you know what they say, "You scream. Ice cream."
She used the insurance money to found Ben and Jerry's Ice cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99xy16/a_young_man_follows_in_his_fathers_footsteps_long/
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Have you heard about the incel action figure?

It comes in a sock instead of a box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99xwwa/have_you_heard_about_the_incel_action_figure/
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Kalahsnikov is making an electric and a hybrid car.

It'll come in two transmissions: automatic and semi-automatic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99xwod/kalahsnikov_is_making_an_electric_and_a_hybrid_car/
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What does reality and an MMORPG have in common?

You never get invited to a party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99xuzf/what_does_reality_and_an_mmorpg_have_in_common/
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If you rearrange the letters in funeral....

You have real fun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99xmzu/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_in_funeral/
%
I would tell you a joke about Ikea furniture...

But the setup takes to long and the final product is mediocre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99xmow/i_would_tell_you_a_joke_about_ikea_furniture/
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Pickle Joke

I actually work in a mortuary and was responsible for training a new shift worker to clean and prepare bodies for embalming. This one particular guy was advanced enough in his training for me to give him a go at working solo while I went back to the office and took care of some paperwork.
Before you know it I got a call from the prep room and it's my offsider, who says "this old lady you asked me to prepare - she has a PICKLE sticking out of her vagina" - obviously that wasn't right so I headed down there straight away.
The guy was shocked, seemed pretty shaken up - and he led me over to the lady on the table and pointed between her legs.
"There - a pickle" he says
I had a quick look and lo and behold it was just normal female anatomy, albeit a little odd looking - but definitely NOT a pickle.
"That's just her clitoris" I explained
"Oh thank God" he replied "It certainly TASTED like a pickle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99xmcp/pickle_joke/
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What do you get when you rearrange the letters in "mother-in-law?"

Woman Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99xkzj/what_do_you_get_when_you_rearrange_the_letters_in/
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What is Finland's largest export?

Lines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99xjgg/what_is_finlands_largest_export/
%
I told my date that ladies call me E.T. after sex

She replied “ Why?  Is it out of this world?”
I said “No, I think it’s the extra testicle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99xiyu/i_told_my_date_that_ladies_call_me_et_after_sex/
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Freudian Slip (possibly NSFW)

Two friends were chatting it up, as friends often do, when one brings up Freudian Slips. He says, ”The craziest thing happened to me the other day. I was going to the big game with my son, and we finally got up to the ticket window. You would not believe the size of the tits on the lady working the register. I was in awe. So when I meant to say, "Two tickets please." I instead said, "Two titties please." I was so embarrassed. In front of my son, no less.
The guys buddy chuckles and tells his friend, "Hey man, those things happen all the time. Hell, I just did the same thing last week.
I was sitting down to a nice breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'pass me the butter please' and what I actually said was, 'You are ruining my fucking life you bitch.' So yeah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99xhgj/freudian_slip_possibly_nsfw/
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Peter and the elephant

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99xdyu/peter_and_the_elephant/
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How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw 'em

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99xdh6/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_wall/
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A woman walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on Euphemisms

The librarian took her up the back alley and let her have it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99xavg/a_woman_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_the/
%
Where do poor Italians live?

In the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99x97z/where_do_poor_italians_live/
%
A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

“No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99x67m/a_man_takes_a_pair_of_shoes_back_to_the_shop_and/
%
So I bought a bottle of scotch from the store and put in my bicycle basket....

I decided that I would drink the scotch before cycling back home because the bottle might break.
It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell multiple times on my way home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99x4px/so_i_bought_a_bottle_of_scotch_from_the_store_and/
%
I work with an amateur architect.

It puts a roof over my head, sort of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99x3qc/i_work_with_an_amateur_architect/
%
A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.
"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"
The bartender said, "Oh that's a moose!"
The Scotsman bugged out his eyes and cried, "Holy crap! How big are the cats?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99x1lt/a_scotsman_went_skiing_in_canada_for_the_first/
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Give a man an egg and he’ll eat for a day

Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you’re “taking science too far.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99x11o/give_a_man_an_egg_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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What does a chemist use to determine how good a party is?

Litness paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99wvys/what_does_a_chemist_use_to_determine_how_good_a/
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I got the death sentence for making a fence out of large circles.

It was a capital 'O' fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99wuxv/i_got_the_death_sentence_for_making_a_fence_out/
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Why do you only need to say ‘q’ when pronouncing ‘queue’

Because they’re waiting for their turn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99wsnl/why_do_you_only_need_to_say_q_when_pronouncing/
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I hate it when people make fun of the disabled.

They can't even stand up for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99wrl1/i_hate_it_when_people_make_fun_of_the_disabled/
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Burritos are like blunts

If you cant roll, get a bowl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99woxp/burritos_are_like_blunts/
%
A French internet cafe had to cancel a CS:GO tournament it was supposed to host, after someone stole all the baked goods.

The gamers said the baguette loss was intolerable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99wnn7/a_french_internet_cafe_had_to_cancel_a_csgo/
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I should have known my ex-wife's activism would be a problem for our marriage.

She promoted the de-nuclearization of families.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99wndu/i_should_have_known_my_exwifes_activism_would_be/
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What does the mother bee say to her unruly son ?

Son, please beehive !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99wm1l/what_does_the_mother_bee_say_to_her_unruly_son/
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What does a Jedi on a budget eat for dessert?

Only one Cannoli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99wjcw/what_does_a_jedi_on_a_budget_eat_for_dessert/
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On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him a happy birthday.....

....So as he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning  Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.
In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's  such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go  out for lunch, just you and me."
Peter happily agreed.  They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You  know, it's such a beautiful day...  We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?"
Peter replied "I suppose not.  What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm  going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.  I'll be right back."
"Ok."  He nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out  carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and  co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday."
And Peter just sat there... on the couch... naked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99wdna/on_his_birthday_a_man_named_peter_was_really/
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A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary privately at home.....

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary privately at home with a couple of bottles of champagne.
A bit tipsy and feeling *very* intimate, the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Silence ensued for just a bit.
"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."
"What? How could you?"
"Well, let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."
"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?"
"Do you remember that you wanted that promotion at work, and your bosses were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job."
"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?"
"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99wcsl/a_loving_couple_was_celebrating_their_25th/
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How do trees get pregnant?

Woodpeckers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99w9bl/how_do_trees_get_pregnant/
%
A Saudi couple and their camel are in the desert

They have been walking for days now and the journey is long and hard. One day the camel says to the man
“Oh please can I rest? This journey is too hard for me”
So the man pulls out a gun, holds it up to the camels head and says “camel going once”
The camel then immediately starts walking again.
Now a few days later the camel stops walking and says to the man “oh please I can’t take it anymore, give me a break!”
The man pulls out his gun on holds it up to the camels head and says “camel going twice.”
The camel starts walking again.
A week passes by and the camel collapses and says to the man “please let me rest, I can’t take it anymore”
The man pulls out his gun and shoots the camel.
His wife looks at him and says “Look at what you have done. Now who’s going to carry all of our belongings?”
The man pulls out his gun and holds it to his wife and says “wife going once”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99w6k1/a_saudi_couple_and_their_camel_are_in_the_desert/
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Did you know the guy who invented autocorrect is an atheist?

He's going to he'll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99w4qi/did_you_know_the_guy_who_invented_autocorrect_is/
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(Dark) Why did princess Diana cross the road?

Because she didn’t wear a seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99vyxu/dark_why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
What do you call a 60 year old Spanish man?

A señor citizen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99vxqs/what_do_you_call_a_60_year_old_spanish_man/
%
So a green piece of road walks into the bar...

It goes up to the bar and orders a drink, then takes it to a table where two traffic lights are playing a game of cards. The traffic lights take one look at the road and run out! Later the bartender finds them cowering behind the bins outside:
"What on Earth is wrong with you two?" He asks.
"That green piece of road that walked in! He told us he was a cycle path!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99vszx/so_a_green_piece_of_road_walks_into_the_bar/
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A mum and a dad give birth to a child.

He was a perfectly healthy baby boy but there was a small catch. He was just a head. So the parents though ok that weird but raised him and loved him none the less. They had to carry him around and feed him. Then on his eighteenth birthday his dad took him for his first legal pint. The dad lifted up his son so he could take a sip. After he had taken a sip miraculously the child neck grew. He takes another and his torso starts to grow. After half the pint he is a perfectly normal adult. He starts shouting saying to was a miracle. He ran outside shouting. He stopped in the middle of the road. He got hit by a bus (r.i.p). Then the barman says “Should have stopped while you were a head”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99vsv9/a_mum_and_a_dad_give_birth_to_a_child/
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A guy goes to a museum

On the tour, the tour guide shows them an exhibition and tells them, "this is the very first, teepee designed to securely hold criminals. The Native Americans used it to house convicts".
The next day, the guy is passing the museum and sees they are taking down the name on the front of the museum. He sees the tour guide observing the work, so he decides to inquire if the museum is being closed down.
Tour guide: No, we're just changing the name.
Visitor: Oh, why is that?
Tour Guide: You know that exhibition I showed you yesterday, the very first teepee used to house criminals? Well, it was stolen last night.
Visitor: I don't believe it. But why are ye changing the name, and to what?
Tour Guide: Well, we want the name to give the public a good idea of what they can expect to find in the museum. So, we're changing the name to r/Jokes. That way, the public will know that we now lack the Original Con Tent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99vrwe/a_guy_goes_to_a_museum/
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Why did the pope want a swiss guard?

He heard how holey their cheese was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99vqxt/why_did_the_pope_want_a_swiss_guard/
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"Not everything is black and white," said my grandfather.

He loves commentating on Schindler's List.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99vqtp/not_everything_is_black_and_white_said_my/
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My mother always said "You can't make everyone happy".

Might explain why she lost her job as a therapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99vq3a/my_mother_always_said_you_cant_make_everyone_happy/
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Why did the fetishist come so quickly?

He had an appointment and was in a furry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99vkg0/why_did_the_fetishist_come_so_quickly/
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My son asked me if I would buy him a new bike.

I said: "Son, if you really want something in life you have to work for it."
Then I told him to be quiet because they were just about to announce the lottery numbers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99vhlj/my_son_asked_me_if_i_would_buy_him_a_new_bike/
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Local police have reported finding a body in the river. They say it’s hideous, bloated and the smell is indescribable. It’s ruin of a face is reportedly the stuff of nightmares. Obviously I’m really worried.

Just drop me a text and let me know you’re okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99vh3q/local_police_have_reported_finding_a_body_in_the/
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If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

They become VERY ANGRY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99vf9s/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
%
Knock, knock.

Who's there?
-I got up.
I got up who?
-uhhh, okay, gross, I guess we can finish the joke later? Bathroom's down the hall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99vepm/knock_knock/
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The Australian Prime Minister walks into a bar.

He wanders over to the bartender and... wait, he's not the Prime Minister anymore. The joke doesn't work now. Sorry guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ve5t/the_australian_prime_minister_walks_into_a_bar/
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What’s 10 inches long, 2 inches thick, and starts with a P?

A really good shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99vc6d/whats_10_inches_long_2_inches_thick_and_starts/
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A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer were discussing God.

The mechanical engineer said, “God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it’s designed.”
The electrical engineer said, “No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.”
The civil engineer said, “God had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99va2u/a_mechanical_electrical_and_civil_engineer_were/
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Because of the new Christopher Robin movie...

Why was Tigger dirty?
Cause he was playing with Pooh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99v9ts/because_of_the_new_christopher_robin_movie/
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Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He got the gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99v71x/why_did_hitler_commit_suicide/
%
A boy walks into a church...

...and says to the priest, "Father, I brought you some fish. Tell me if you like them."
The Priest tries some and says, "Wow, these are pretty good."
The boy smiles and says, "Thanks, I caught those sons of bitches at the pier this morning."
The Priest nearly chokes on his food and says, "Lord have mercy! You can't use language like that in the house of the Lord!"
"No Father, that's the name of the fish!"
"Oh, well I suppose that's okay then."
The Priest liked the fish so much that he took them with him to meet with the Bishop. The Bishop tries some and is impressed. The Priest says "Aren't those some good sons of bitches?" to which the Bishop responds, "Oh my, I've known you for 15 years and have never heard you use such language!" The Priest responds, "No, you misunderstand, that is the name of the fish." The Bishop says, "Oh, well that's okay then."
They both decide it's a good idea to bring the fish to meet with the Pope next week. As the three of them are eating the Bishop says "Wow, these are some good sons of bitches," and the Priest adds, "Absolutely, best sons of bitches I ever had!"
The Pope freezes, sets down his fork and his knife and says..."You know what, you mother fuckers are alright!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99v388/a_boy_walks_into_a_church/
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Why didn't the two fruits get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99v0lo/why_didnt_the_two_fruits_get_married/
%
I swear boys get a 100 times cuter when they talk about something they are passionate about

Unless it’s Hitler. Then It’s only Nein times cuter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99uv6i/i_swear_boys_get_a_100_times_cuter_when_they_talk/
%
I went into the doctor and he told me I was a hypochondriac

I knew something was wrong with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99uklq/i_went_into_the_doctor_and_he_told_me_i_was_a/
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You know how I know Adam was white?

Because, have you ever seen a black man share his ribs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ukcd/you_know_how_i_know_adam_was_white/
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My wife left me for being arrogant.

I told her to close the door on her way back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ugzt/my_wife_left_me_for_being_arrogant/
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What does a prostitute and peanut butter have in common?

They both spread for bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ugu2/what_does_a_prostitute_and_peanut_butter_have_in/
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If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days

just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99udly/if_your_workplace_requires_password_changes_every/
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A woman comes into the doctor’s office for a checkup one day.

As she’s taking off her blouse, the doctor notices a big H on her chest.
He asks, “How’d you get that mark on your chest?”
She says, “Oh, well my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he has a sweatshirt from there, and he never takes it off, even when we make love. I guess it leaves a mark.”
They laugh and the checkup goes well, and a couple days pass. Then another woman comes in for a checkup and she has a great big Y on her chest when she takes off her blouse.
The doctor says, “What’s that big Y on your chest from?”
The woman says, “Oh, well my boyfriend goes to Yale. He’s so proud he got a sweatshirt from there and never takes it off, when when we make love. Guess it leaves a mark.”
They laugh. The checkup goes fine. Couple days later a different woman comes in and she has a great big M on her chest when she takes off her blouse.
The doctor says, “Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan University?
She says, “No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Washington, why do you ask?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99udat/a_woman_comes_into_the_doctors_office_for_a/
%
You can lead a horse to water

But you can't drown it and make it look like an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99uc8l/you_can_lead_a_horse_to_water/
%
I was sitting in a bar one day...

...and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ua26/i_was_sitting_in_a_bar_one_day/
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What kind of shampoo did Ozzy Osbourne get his kids?

No More Tears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99u9jh/what_kind_of_shampoo_did_ozzy_osbourne_get_his/
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An animal with big antlers jumped into my car and drove it off...

I mistook it for a reindeer, then realized it was just a commandeer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99u6z2/an_animal_with_big_antlers_jumped_into_my_car_and/
%
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe?

Mitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99txyt/what_did_one_cell_say_to_his_sister_cell_when_she/
%
A man walks into a very fancy restaurant...

"Alright!" The man yells. "Where's the fucking manager?" The manager quickly comes to the front desk and asks "would you mind keeping your voice down and avoiding such language."
"Shut up, you cocksucker!" The man replies. "Your sign says your looking for a pianist. So where the fuck's your piano?"
Before the manager can even respond, the man sits down and place one of the most beautiful pieces of classical music. Astonished, the manager says "That's amazing. Did you write that?"
"Of course I did." Says the pianist. "That song is called 'I want to fuck your wife on three sofa while her sister watches.'"
The manager says "That's terrible! Could you play something else?" And so the pianist plays yet another beautiful classical piece. "That one is called 'My friend and I are gonna fuck you from both ends.'"
"That's even worse!" Says the manager. After some thought, he agrees to hire the pianist, but insist he doesn't announce the title of his songs when playing.
A week goes by, and the guests are enjoying the live music added to the restaurant. One night, however, as the waiters are working, one of them trips and spills sour cream all over the pianist's pants. Frustrated, he hurries off to the restroom to clean up, but enters the woman's restroom by accident.
Upon leaving one of the stalls, a woman sees the man and the sour cream all over his pants. Confused, she asks "Excuse me, but do you know you've got semen all over your pants?"
And the man replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99trq6/a_man_walks_into_a_very_fancy_restaurant/
%
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

.
He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?"
The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99tkyz/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99tkiz/a_lumberjack_chopped_off_my_teeth/
%
I tried nihilism...

But I just didn't care for it at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99tk8i/i_tried_nihilism/
%
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?

Pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99tirs/what_do_you_call_a_camel_with_3_humps/
%
A Roman Centurion walks into a bar....

“What can I get you?” says the barman
“I’d like a Martinum please.”
“Do you mean a martini?”
“If I want a fucking double I’ll ask.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99tg2c/a_roman_centurion_walks_into_a_bar/
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So the Deji vs Jake Paul boxing match is this Saturday

And if in the unlikely event of one of them dies,
Logan Paul will be there to record it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99tfuu/so_the_deji_vs_jake_paul_boxing_match_is_this/
%
My wife told me that I'm starting to get a dad bod.

I'm just working on my father figure..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99tamg/my_wife_told_me_that_im_starting_to_get_a_dad_bod/
%
Your mom may not be a thief

But I have seen her snatch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99t8vt/your_mom_may_not_be_a_thief/
%
My Physics teacher said I have no Potential

Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99t3u4/my_physics_teacher_said_i_have_no_potential/
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So i just ate at this new restaurant called “Karma”

They don’t have menus, they just give you what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99t2ab/so_i_just_ate_at_this_new_restaurant_called_karma/
%
I just saw Crazy Rich Asians and I have one problem with the film

If they’re so rich, why are they from Singapoor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99t0ro/i_just_saw_crazy_rich_asians_and_i_have_one/
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George Washington: "I cannot tell a lie!"; Richard Nixon: "I cannot tell the truth!"; Donald Trump: ...

"I cannot tell the difference!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99t032/george_washington_i_cannot_tell_a_lie_richard/
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On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters.

She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.
"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"
On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99suwo/on_monday_morning_the_teacher_walked_to_the/
%
An old man in a wheel chair stole my camouflage jacket.

Bastard can hide but he can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99su0l/an_old_man_in_a_wheel_chair_stole_my_camouflage/
%
How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Meat patty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99strj/how_did_the_hamburger_introduce_his_girlfriend/
%
Poop jokes will never be my favorite

But they'll always be number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99strl/poop_jokes_will_never_be_my_favorite/
%
Boobs are like legos

They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ssw5/boobs_are_like_legos/
%
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Give a fish a man and you get arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ss7h/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ss6h/apparently_29_of_pet_owners_let_their_pet_sleep/
%
A newly married couple is anxious about their honeymoon...

The husband and the wife are both virgins, and come from very conservative families.
On their first night together, they uncomfortably undress in front of each other and lay in bed.
Not knowing what to do or where to start, the husband calls his mother for advice.
The mother says that they should snuggle, and that things should happen from there.
The couple does this, but nothing happens.
The husband calls his mother again. She gets frustrated and says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and put it in her hairiest spot!"
The husband is quiet for a moment, then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99srnz/a_newly_married_couple_is_anxious_about_their/
%
A friend of mine told me his girlfriend makes him want to be a better person.

Why's that I asked?
He said so he could maybe get a better girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99sreo/a_friend_of_mine_told_me_his_girlfriend_makes_him/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99srbj/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he will become a prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99sgms/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
If Elon Musk discovered an alien, started dating it, and then unceremoniously broke up with it

Would it be his Space Ex?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99sebq/if_elon_musk_discovered_an_alien_started_dating/
%
My fiancee keeps yelling at me because Alexa is interrupting her game on the Kindle.

I can't help it. My voice turns her on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99se8y/my_fiancee_keeps_yelling_at_me_because_alexa_is/
%
I think I ate some bad Egyptian food today.

I falafel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99sdh5/i_think_i_ate_some_bad_egyptian_food_today/
%
I used to be a comedian. Ask me why i quit.

Buddy: "Why did you-"
Me: "Timing."
Buddy: "quit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99sbnl/i_used_to_be_a_comedian_ask_me_why_i_quit/
%
What does a brewery and a Nickelback concert have in common?

They are both responsible for a lot of boos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99saug/what_does_a_brewery_and_a_nickelback_concert_have/
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What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

There is no video of Trump with garbanzo bean on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99s9j4/what_is_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean/
%
Give a man a ticket, he'll fly for a day

Push him out of the plane, and he'll fly for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99s56u/give_a_man_a_ticket_hell_fly_for_a_day/
%
I thought I understood the meaning of when pigs fly,

But then the swine flu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99s45a/i_thought_i_understood_the_meaning_of_when_pigs/
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What’s the difference between a penis and spinach?

“None, both have to be forced into kids mouth”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99s1c8/whats_the_difference_between_a_penis_and_spinach/
%
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but good luck finding a lightbulb that big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99s0o0/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rzoo/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
Why did the console gamer cross the road?

To render buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rxeu/why_did_the_console_gamer_cross_the_road/
%
Wearing crocs is like getting a bj from a guy

It feels good until you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rx0c/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_bj_from_a_guy/
%
Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you...

But what they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rwlr/everyone_tells_you_that_smoking_will_kill_you/
%
I hate when people ask me what my life will be like in 2 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rwg1/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_what_my_life_will_be/
%
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rtho/a_bus_full_of_nuns_falls_of_a_cliff_and_they_all/
%
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.

Now, the Missus was never too happy about it. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.
As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'."
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell are you?"
Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool."
To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rsw2/padraic_flaherty_came_home_drunk_every_evening/
%
Hitler Went to A Fortune Teller and Asked Her...

"On what day will i die?"
The fortune teller assured him that he will die on a Jewish holiday
"Why are you so sure of that?"  demanded Hitler
"Any Day" She replied " on which you die will be a Jewish Holiday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rr4k/hitler_went_to_a_fortune_teller_and_asked_her/
%
I've submitted ten puns today trying to make the front page

no pun in ten did...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rpv2/ive_submitted_ten_puns_today_trying_to_make_the/
%
Dave and his wife were checking out of a hotel...

"Double bed, that will be £300" says the receptionist.
"£300?" Says Dave, "But we only stayed for one night!"
"Yes, but you have to understand, the Royal Hotel is the most illustrious hotel in Ireland, we have a top of the range spar and a 18 hole golf course"
"But I didn't use any of that..." retorts Dave.
"Well sir, I'm sorry, but it was there for you to use."
Dave makes out a cheque for £100 and passes it to the receptionist.
"I'm sorry sir, but you appear to be £200 short."
"Oh no, I'm just charging you £200 for having sex with my wife."
"Again sir, I'm sorry but I didn't have sex with your wife..."
"Well, maybe not, but she was there for you to use."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rmv8/dave_and_his_wife_were_checking_out_of_a_hotel/
%
When the waiter brought my order he had his thumb in my steak

So I yelled at him, "I don't want your finger touching my food!" So he asks me, "Would you rather it fall on the floor again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rm9r/when_the_waiter_brought_my_order_he_had_his_thumb/
%
So there's a man and a woman in a bar and the man turns to the woman and says

"Hey, I've got this magic water that can make me fly."
"I don't believe you. Show me."
So the man downs a magic water and gets on the top of the roof, jumps off, and flies back on. The woman says
"Wow! Do that again!"
And  so the man goes back downstairs to drink another magic water, gets back  on the roof, jumps off, flies back on. The woman says
"Whoa! I gotta  try that for myself!" The woman goes downstairs, asks the bar tender  for some magic water, drinks it, gets on the roof, jumps off, and dies.
When the man comes back downstairs the bar tender says to him,
"You know Super Man, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rm2v/so_theres_a_man_and_a_woman_in_a_bar_and_the_man/
%
Hitler and Stalin are telling jokes to each other

"Moscow" says Stalin;
"I don't get it" answers Hitler;
"Excactly - says Stalin - you'll never get it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rkn8/hitler_and_stalin_are_telling_jokes_to_each_other/
%
My wife told me that I did not love any of her relatives

I told her that is not true.
I said, "I love your mother-in-law and father-in-law much more than I love mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rk7k/my_wife_told_me_that_i_did_not_love_any_of_her/
%
I was at an ATM and an old lady asked me to help check her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ri2y/i_was_at_an_atm_and_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
%
The inventor of the TASER gun recently died.

Both friends and enemies
were stunned!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rbjg/the_inventor_of_the_taser_gun_recently_died/
%
If i post a joke on Reddit and nobody reads it

How the hell does it get reposted with a new punchline in a matter of minutes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99rai6/if_i_post_a_joke_on_reddit_and_nobody_reads_it/
%
A Priest goes on a cruise...

English is my second language, so, please forgive me!
So that priest is going on a cruise, and he needs someone to do his confessional work for him. After a mass, he asks a guy : the gentleman accepts.
1st guy to come in the confessional says : "forgive me, Father, as I have sinned." "What was your sin?" replied the gentleman. "I cheated on my wife!" After a few seconds, the false priest answered : "say three prayers, and our Lord will forgive you."
2nd guy comes in and says : "forgive me, Father, as I have sinned." "What was your sin?" said again the false priest. "I was in a orgy". After a few seconds, he replied : "say 5 prayers, and our Lord will forgive you."
3rd guy comes in and says : "forgive me, Father, as I have sinned." "What was your sin?" "I did a bl*wjob to a  man!"
Suprised, the false priest didn't know what to answer. While he tried to leave in silence, he saw an altar boy.
"Hey lil boy, psst!, what does our Father gives for a bl*wjob?"
The boy replied : "Well, usually He gives me a bag of chips!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99r2lc/a_priest_goes_on_a_cruise/
%
Time flies

... when you’re throwing clocks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99qy09/time_flies/
%
A man is getting into his Porsche...

...Hand on the handle, when a motorcycle comes flying down the road. He jumps out of the way and the motorcycle crashes into the open door, tearing it off the vehicle along with the man’s hand which was still grasping the handle.
The guy screams: “OMG, my Porsche, it’s ruined!”
A passerby witnesses the accident and exclaims: “Gotta love a Porsche guy, so materialistic, he doesn’t even realize his arm is ripped off.”
The man looks down, realizes he’s missing his arm and screams: “OMG, my Rolex!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99quej/a_man_is_getting_into_his_porsche/
%
The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim away

A whim away
A whim away
A whim away
A whim away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99qs1j/the_urge_to_sing_the_lion_sleeps_tonight_is_just/
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unemployed

Guy works in the pickle factory, comes home after work and tells his wife, "Bad news, honey. I've been fired".
"What? Why? What happened?"
"Well, I've always wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer and, well, today I finally did it."
"My god, no! Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."
"What about the pickle slicer?"
"They fired her, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99qpnl/unemployed/
%
A kid ask his slightly deaf father about Sherlock Holmes

-Dad, do you know who was Sherlock Holmes' best friend?
-What son?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99qi1i/a_kid_ask_his_slightly_deaf_father_about_sherlock/
%
What fish?

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.
"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"
But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim.  When they're done they jump back into the bucket.
"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently.  A few minutes go by and nothing happens.
Game warden: So where are the fish?
Fisherman: What fish?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99qfj3/what_fish/
%
I cried when my dad chopped up onions...

Onions was a good dog :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99qei3/i_cried_when_my_dad_chopped_up_onions/
%
Build a man a fire, and you will keep him warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99q9lh/build_a_man_a_fire_and_you_will_keep_him_warm_for/
%
I don't eat pheasant.

Its a little fowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99q2fs/i_dont_eat_pheasant/
%
Last week, a burglary was reported at the fairgrounds

The burglars appear to have taken the bumper cars, the Tilt-a-Whirl, the spinning teacups, the Whirligig swing, the carousel and the Ferris wheel.   Detectives have been searching the fairgrounds for clues, but report they still haven't found anything to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99q0zx/last_week_a_burglary_was_reported_at_the/
%
Tom Cruise likes his women like he likes his coffee.

Oh wait, his lawyers asked me to say he doesn't like coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99pxnk/tom_cruise_likes_his_women_like_he_likes_his/
%
You know the worst part about being allergic to bees and loving honey?

Breaking into hives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ptnm/you_know_the_worst_part_about_being_allergic_to/
%
How Many Communists does it Take to Screw in a Lightbulb?

Everybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99pm7x/how_many_communists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
My friend just got a new job heading up Old MacDonald's Farm.

He's the CIEIO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99phsy/my_friend_just_got_a_new_job_heading_up_old/
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Your Adopted

Dad comes to his son and tells him hes adopted.
The boy screams: "I knew it! I wanna see my real parents"
– We are you're real parents, son. Pack your stuff, they're waiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99pasb/your_adopted/
%
How do you make peace with a dog?

You give it a treaty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99paki/how_do_you_make_peace_with_a_dog/
%
A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates.

"Oh no..."
"What's wrong"
"Those soldiers were gonna be your Christmas present"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99p5ez/a_mother_walks_in_on_her_son_playing_with_his/
%
Polaroid of the suspect

Reporter: 'Here I am, live at the scene of the crime, in fact I've just learnt the police have a polaroid of the suspect. More on this story as it develops.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99p3ti/polaroid_of_the_suspect/
%
Who was the most learned person in the Bible?

Abraham. He knew a Lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ozjs/who_was_the_most_learned_person_in_the_bible/
%
A plane crashes in the Australian desert, and an American tourist is the only survivor...

He survives in the desert for days with severe injuries before being discovered by locals and brought to a small community hospital. Relieved at his good fortune, he passes out until the next day.
When he wakes up, he sees that his wounds have become infected, he is connected to multiple machines, and his vitals aren't good. Fearing for his chances, he waves someone over and asks for an honest answer.
"Nurse, did I just come here to die?"
"Nah, you came here yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ozhq/a_plane_crashes_in_the_australian_desert_and_an/
%
A Redditor walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh," replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."
"That sounds easy enough," replies the bartender.
"I should warn you," the redditor says, "I browse /r/jokes so I've heard them all over and over and over again".
Curious, the bartender pulls out his phone and browses /r/jokes for a few minutes.
"How about this?" he asks. "A man is driving through a remote forested area at night when his car breaks down next to an old monastery..."
"Heard it," interrupts the redditor. "It's reposted every month."
The bartender apologies and starts scrolling on his phone for a few more minutes.
"Ooh, here we go, so why did the orangutan cross the road.. "
"Heard it!!" the redditor snaps. "That's reposted every week!"
The bartender is flustered but tries again, furiously browsing the subreddit. "Aha! This one is sure to impress.. What is Donald Trumps favorite nation? "
"No, no, no!!!" the redditor cries out. "That joke is reposted every day!"
"OK, OK, please give me one more try," the bartender pleads. He scrolls furiously through his phone. "Nope... nope... nope... YES!! This is a great one!"
"OK, lay it on me," the redditor asks eagerly.
"Here it is," the bartender replies. "So a redditor walks into a bar..."
"This joke is also a repost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99oxs5/a_redditor_walks_into_a_bar/
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Yeah Fatty

I went to the doctors recently
He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said,  “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ou7o/yeah_fatty/
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The Last Exam

(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)
A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn’t exist.
After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.
“What chair?”
He was the only one to pass the exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99otog/the_last_exam/
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Even if Trump isn't impeached

he's clearly impeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ooqw/even_if_trump_isnt_impeached/
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A farmer walks into his kitchen with a duck under his arm

He looks at his wife and says, "This is the pig I've been sleeping with."
His wife says, "That's not a pig, you moron!"
The farmer says, "I wasn't talking to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99okw6/a_farmer_walks_into_his_kitchen_with_a_duck_under/
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What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99oi69/what_kind_of_shorts_do_clouds_wear/
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Why don't we hear more jokes about Jonestown?

Because the punchline fell flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ofmt/why_dont_we_hear_more_jokes_about_jonestown/
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Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99odq9/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_will_feed_him_for_a_day/
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Ladies and Gentlemen, when it comes to stalking,

I’m 100% behind you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99o9rd/ladies_and_gentlemen_when_it_comes_to_stalking/
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I have a weird mental health issue where I have to get out and pull my car every time I go through a tunnel.

It's car-pull tunnel syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99o9l5/i_have_a_weird_mental_health_issue_where_i_have/
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Would you sleep with the president for $130,000?

I really can’t say

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99o7yq/would_you_sleep_with_the_president_for_130000/
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Circumcised

Paddy says to mick.
“I’m getting circumcised tomorrow!”
Mick says
“ I had that done when I was a few days old”
Paddy asks
“Does it hurt?”
Mick then replies
“Well I couldn’t walk for about a year after “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99nzcz/circumcised/
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What makes a killer joke?

It's all in the _execution_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ny8a/what_makes_a_killer_joke/
%
There's actually an [OC] flair on this sub

It's just never...ever been used

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ntb0/theres_actually_an_oc_flair_on_this_sub/
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After I gave my Dad his 50th birthday card:

He said one would've been enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99nszc/after_i_gave_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card/
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First Day in the Navy

It was a young man’s first day on assignment in the Navy, and he was getting toured around the ship, his new home. His supervisor was rattling through his spiel,
“Here’s the bow, here’s the stern, mess hall, sleeping quarters, blah blah blah”,
The young guy says,
“great great, but sir, we’re at sea for so long, even months at a time... I’m young and I have needs. Carnal needs.”
Supervisor says,
“oh don’t you worry, boy. See that barrel over there?”
Young guy says yeah. Supervisor says,
“see that hole in the barrel?”
Young guy says yeah. Supervisor says,
“Well, whenever you get the need, go over to that barrel and put your willy through that hole, everything will be taken care of.”
Young guy says,
“Great, what a relief, I was really starting to worry!”
Supervisor says,
“Yeah yeah, get settled, I’ll see you around. Just one more thing.... you can use the barrel any day except Tuesday.....”
A little confused, the young guy taken aback says,
“Fair enough, all great. but I’m curious, why not Tuesday?....”
supervisor says,
“well, that’s your day in the barrel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99npzn/first_day_in_the_navy/
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How much do pirates pay for corn?

About a buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99npqi/how_much_do_pirates_pay_for_corn/
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Abraham wandered into Sam’s pawnshop and placed a leather coat on the counter.

“How much will you give me for this jacket?”
Sam checked it over. “$20, and that’s the best” he replied.
“But that jacket is worth $100" argued Abraham.
Sam was adamant. “$20 or nothing.”
“Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Abe.
“Positive”
“Okay,” said Abe. "Here’s your $20.  The jacket was hanging in your doorway and I was wondering how much it was worth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99nows/abraham_wandered_into_sams_pawnshop_and_placed_a/
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What do you call an electrical engineer trying to solve an issue?

Sherlock Ohms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99no90/what_do_you_call_an_electrical_engineer_trying_to/
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Llamas to the left of me, alpacas to the right

Here I am, stuck up a hill in Peru

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99nm71/llamas_to_the_left_of_me_alpacas_to_the_right/
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Why did the guitarist get arrested?

He fingered A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99nlrt/why_did_the_guitarist_get_arrested/
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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears  he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's good cos he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99njzf/little_johnnys_neighbour_had_a_baby_but_it_was/
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What happens when you give Eevee a French stone?

You get a Napoleon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99nj1v/what_happens_when_you_give_eevee_a_french_stone/
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I saw a sign in my school.

It said
“Time passes, will you?”
I thought to myself
“Not on my watch!”
And removed the batteries from it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ngpd/i_saw_a_sign_in_my_school/
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What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?

White people looking both ways before they start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ndkw/what_does_a_racist_joke_and_crossing_the_street/
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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."
With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.
"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.
"No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end.
"You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like."
He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks.
"Hi, can Dave come to the phone?"
"I told you you have the wrong number"
"That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like"
He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks.
"Is Dave available?"
"LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. AND IF IT DOESN'T FIT, I'LL PUSH IT IN WITH MY COCK!!!!!!"
"And that's rage."
"Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows.
"And what might that be?" asks the professor.
"It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate" He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number.
"Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99nbk0/a_psychology_professor_starts_his_lecture_by/
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An Aussie kiss is like a French kiss...

But down under

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99nal9/an_aussie_kiss_is_like_a_french_kiss/
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What do good weed dealers and bad engineers have in common?

Both know not to use what they sell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99n9c3/what_do_good_weed_dealers_and_bad_engineers_have/
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A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature.

He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.
As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morning, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the lever. Just as he does, he hears a voice say, "Don't touch that lever."
The driver jumps about two feet off the ground, and as he comes down, he looks around. No one is to be seen. Thinking it was just his imagination, he again reaches for the lever. Again the voice yells, "I said don't touch that lever!" Being more prepared, the driver senses the location of the voice and looks down under a sage brush. There he sees a small snake.
The driver, in much astonishment, said, "Was that you that just spoke?"
The snake said, "Yes. I have to keep people from touching that lever. If the lever is moved, it will be the end of the world."
The driver, still rather astonished, said, "What is your name? And will you talk on TV?" The snake said his name was Nate and that he wasn't interested in going on TV; anyway, he had to stay and watch the lever to see that it wasn't moved. The driver said, "Look, I will get the networks to send out camera crews. That way, you can inform the entire world about the danger of the lever."
Nate thought that over and allowed as how there was a great deal of sense to the idea. The driver, true to his word, got the network camera crews out. They put on broadcasts in which Nate warned the entire world of the dangers of moving the lever.
A few weeks later, another truck driver was going through the area. He was following an oil tanker, and the tanker sprang a leak. When the driver's truck hit the slick, it went out of control, and he found himself headed straight for the lever. He remembered seeing Nate on the TV telling about the lever and so he knew that if he hit it, he would cause the world to end. He strove, with all his might to maneuver the truck. Finally, at the last moment, he was able to swerve, but he ran over Nate, the snake, and killed him flat!
The truck driver was heard to say "Well, better Nate than lever."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99n8bt/a_truck_driver_is_heading_west_across_the_arizona/
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You ever heard of the ocean located at 5.694647° S, 136.987557° W?

I like to call it the specific ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99n839/you_ever_heard_of_the_ocean_located_at_5694647_s/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99n2ek/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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A regular in our cafe (true story)

I run a small cafe.  A regular (R)  and his wife (W) stopped in yesterday and ordered their usual meal. W said "R had surgery this morning."
R said "I had eye surgery, had a cataract removed."
When they left, I said "Goodbye R,  Hope you'll see us soon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99n19w/a_regular_in_our_cafe_true_story/
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A father is sitting with his son on a hilltop looking over the village...

The father says: "Son there's something I want you to understand... you see that house we live in?"
The son responded: "yes, dad"
Dad: "I built that house with my bare hands. Do they call me Bob the house builder?" Son says no.
Father says "look at that wall around the village. I built that wall with my bare hands. Do they call me Bob the wall builder?" Son said no.
"Dad where are you going with this?"
"I fuck ONE goat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99n0sr/a_father_is_sitting_with_his_son_on_a_hilltop/
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What do you call a dead man from Finland?

Finnished

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99n0q8/what_do_you_call_a_dead_man_from_finland/
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A smoker quit cold turkey

It wasn't hard, no one likes cold turkey anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mzw4/a_smoker_quit_cold_turkey/
%
Is it just me

or are magnets really attractive?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99myh3/is_it_just_me/
%
Teacher: Ok class, can anyone tell me what 'analogy' is?

Student: Analogy is something that makes you sneeze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mxzr/teacher_ok_class_can_anyone_tell_me_what_analogy/
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If I had a dollar for every time I confused your and you’re...

I would be able to buy you’re house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mx4b/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_confused_your/
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I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"

Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mt95/i_was_picking_up_my_girlfriend_and_her_dad_looked/
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Three couples are trying to get married...

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99msot/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married/
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What's the best thing about summer in America?

Three months without a school shooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mqp6/whats_the_best_thing_about_summer_in_america/
%
A Morman and Irishman are on a plane...

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mqmv/a_morman_and_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
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Little Tommy is sitting in class whilst the teacher is going over vocabulary words....

She asks the class to use a word in a sentence. The teacher says the word is "contagious."
Now Tommy, an Aussie, is waving his arm up and down, and no other students have their arm up. The teacher figures there is no way Little Tommy can come up something rude for this word, and she calls his name to use the word in a sentence.
Tommy says the other day, my Aussie dad and I were driving down the freeway and saw a woman painting a billboard using a very small brush.
The teacher asks, "What does this have to do the word contagious?"
Tommy says, "My dad turned to me and said, 'Son, it is going to take that 'cunt-ages' to paint that billboard with that little brush!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mq6d/little_tommy_is_sitting_in_class_whilst_the/
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I'm producing a musical about the dictionary

It's a play on words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mpw2/im_producing_a_musical_about_the_dictionary/
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Blind man in a Hotel...

Manager - Menu Sir ??
Man - I'm blind, just bring me ur kitchen spoon, I'll smell it & order.
Manager got a spoon
Blind man smelt & said "Yes, I'll have garlic bread with seasoned potatoes...
"Unbelievable" said the manager...
Every week he came & was correct each time.
Once manager wanted to trick him, He went to the kitchen and told his wife
Maria "Rub this spoon on ur pussy". She rubs it on her pussy and gives it to her hubby...
Blind man smelt & said,
"Oh ! My God......!!
My classmate Maria also works here!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mpdx/blind_man_in_a_hotel/
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A guy hasn’t had sex in a while...(long)

A guy hasn’t had sex in a while so his friend says he should get a hooker. He asks his friend how to spot a hooker, to which his friend says,” I know the perfect place, just meet me at the old Riverside Run Bar and Grill tonight.”
Although he was hesitant, his hormones get the best of him so that night he goes and meets his friend at the bar.
They’re hanging around when they spot a very beautiful woman, dressed in all red, who keeps walking outside with men and coming back in with wads of cash.
Finally after working a bit of courage he goes to the woman and asks if she’s available for work tonight.
The woman replies,”Yes, it’s $500 for hand job.”
“$500?! You’ve got to be kidding me!”
The hooker grabs him by his arm and leads him outside in front of the bar. “You see that new Corvette? I bought that with the money from my handjobs alone.”
The man thinks for a second, finally agreeing to it.
He hands her $500, they get into the Corvette and he gets the best hand job he’s ever had in his life, he has the biggest orgasm he’s ever had and is completely satisfied.
A few weeks ago by and the man is getting desperate again as dating is still going nowhere, so he decides to hit her up once again.
“Are you available for work tonight? The handjob was great but I’d love to see how you are with your mouth.”
“Of course,” she says. “It’s $2,000 for a blowjob.”
“$2,000?! You can’t be serious! That expensive hand job is one thing, but $2,000 is almost my entire take-home pay for a month!”
She grabs him by the arm and takes him outside. “You see this bar here? I bought the Riverside Run Bar and Grill with the money from my blowjobs alone.”
Shocked, but in belief from their first encounter, he hands over $2,000. She takes him to the alley next to the bar and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had. He cums even harder this time and can barely walk. He’s completely satisfied.
A few months go by and he shows up one night at the bar and sees the hooker again.
“I’ve saved up for three and a half months, I have about $5,000. I’ve gotta have some of that pussy! If I need more I can get it.”
She grins devilishly and grabs him by the arm and leads him outside once again.
She looks across the river next to the bar. You see the new island where they’re building that new theme park and shopping plaza?”
“Holy fuck...” he gasps. You mean to tell me...”
“Nah,” she says,”But if I had a pussy I’d own that motherfucker.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mp5o/a_guy_hasnt_had_sex_in_a_whilelong/
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In America, you put in screws.

In Soviet Russia, Putin screws you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mo8f/in_america_you_put_in_screws/
%
Everyone is so polite in the Trump White House.

Everyone is walking around saying, "Pardon me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mndu/everyone_is_so_polite_in_the_trump_white_house/
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Speeding

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says,  'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60;  perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'   The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,  'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.   That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.  You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'   And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'  The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mius/speeding/
%
[NSFW] A young boy is hiking with his dad when...

A young boy is hiking with his dad when they come across a couple having sex.
When the boy asks his dad what they are doing, the father replies, rather embarrassed: “they’re making a cake.”
A few days later, the young boy goes up to his father and proudly announces:
“I saw you and mum making a cake last night in the living room! I even licked the icing off the couch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mg3o/nsfw_a_young_boy_is_hiking_with_his_dad_when/
%
Two condoms are walking past a gay bar...

One says to the other, “hey wanna go in and get shitfaced?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mfg9/two_condoms_are_walking_past_a_gay_bar/
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Waiter: "Sorry Sir, we don't have any frozen water."

Me: "Noice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99md1l/waiter_sorry_sir_we_dont_have_any_frozen_water/
%
What is the difference between oral and anal?

Oral makes my day, Anal makes my hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99mbt7/what_is_the_difference_between_oral_and_anal/
%
So this guys enters an house...

He goes up the stairs, enters a room, and there's a woman waiting for him to have a ''little fun''. After doing it, the guy leaves the room and goes down the stairs. Downstairs, there's a kid staring at him, and telles him:
''I know what you did to my mom! If you don't give me $200, I'll tell my dad when he comes back from his business trip and he'll kick your ass!''
The guy, not wanting any trouble, hands over the cash to the kid and leaves. A week later the same thing happened. The guy enters the house, goes upstairs and have sex with the same woman. When he comes down, he's releived to not see the kid downstairs. He decides to leaves by the backyard. He noticed the kid again,staring at him again.
''Came back for more, eh? Gimme another $200, and I'll pretend I never saw you''
Again, the guy didn't want any trouble, so he handed the cash over again.
The following day, the kid went and bought a PS4 with the cash he got. A couple days after, the dad, who strongly beleives in god, noticed the kid's new console. He yells at the kid.
''So, you started stealing money from your classmate again? You started to bully again? If you don't want me to spank you, return the PS4, go to the church and ask forgiveness to God!''
The kid does as his father ordered. He returned the PS4, and went to the church. He enters the confessional, the priest greets him and then the kid say:
''Forgive me father, for I have sinned''
The priest immidiately starts screaming
''Oh for Christ's sake! (Forgive me my lord) are you gonna blackmail me here too!?''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99maes/so_this_guys_enters_an_house/
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My girlfriend told me to stop watching Disney movies and be a man.

Does anyone know how to be swift as the coursing river?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99m7gz/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_stop_watching_disney/
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What makes a good tongue-twister?

Well, it's hard to say...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99m4sr/what_makes_a_good_tonguetwister/
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Give the ballerina a drink

A  large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in  London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she  pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, What man here  will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried  to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk  slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, Give the ballerina a  drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it  down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,  revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, What man here will buy a  lady a drink?Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on  the bar and said, Give the ballerina another drink!
The bartender  approached the little drunk and said, I say, old chap, it's your  business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep  calling her the ballerina?As far as I'm concerned, the drunk replied,  any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99m1pb/give_the_ballerina_a_drink/
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What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

A: Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99m0fr/whats_the_difference_between_an_inlaw_and_an/
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Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear

He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said “homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99lzjj/went_to_see_my_doctor_about_a_blocked_ear/
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If smoking is so supposed to be so bad

then why does it cure salmon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99lw5i/if_smoking_is_so_supposed_to_be_so_bad/
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I wanted to buy a blender off the internet but I didn’t

because it had mixed reviews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99lui3/i_wanted_to_buy_a_blender_off_the_internet_but_i/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickolotapuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99lsqe/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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Tell me something that would make me proud and sad at the same time

Said the husband to his wife.
She looks at him and goes:
"Your di*** is bigger than any of your friends"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99lr4o/tell_me_something_that_would_make_me_proud_and/
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Today I decided I won't smoke anymore

I won't smoke any less either though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99lpqw/today_i_decided_i_wont_smoke_anymore/
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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Saturday, Sunday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ll02/denial_anger_bargaining_depression_acceptance/
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What's the difference between a social justice warrior and a knife?

The knife is edgier and has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99lh13/whats_the_difference_between_a_social_justice/
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The worst thing about being in my 40's is that I can't get teenaged girls to sleep with me.

It's like being a teenager again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99lgat/the_worst_thing_about_being_in_my_40s_is_that_i/
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I got this joke for my girlfriend

Best trade I ever made

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99l6fx/i_got_this_joke_for_my_girlfriend/
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I wanted to make the best joke in the world - something short that everyone would laugh at.

Then I looked in the mirror and realized my dad already did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99l50x/i_wanted_to_make_the_best_joke_in_the_world/
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Ukrainian mother persuades her son to marry

M: Look at Marina. She is beautiful, intelligent, loves movies and theater.
S: I do not want her.
M: Look at Olena. She cooks well, her house is always orderly.
S: I do not want her.
M: So who do you want?
S: Mom, I love my neighbor Sergei.
(pause)
M: But he's Russian, after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99l3rg/ukrainian_mother_persuades_her_son_to_marry/
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Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus".

Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99l2m0/police_officer_im_sorry_sir_but_it_looks_like/
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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99l12s/an_australian_army_recruit_sends_home_a_letter/
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[OC] What do you call sisters who can fix things?

Maintain-nuns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99kva1/oc_what_do_you_call_sisters_who_can_fix_things/
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I don’t find self-deprecating humor funny anymore.

I guess my sense of humor is as boring and worthless now as the rest of my personality always has been

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99kuao/i_dont_find_selfdeprecating_humor_funny_anymore/
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What do a farm and hospital have in common?

Too many vegetables for one person to take care of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99kln6/what_do_a_farm_and_hospital_have_in_common/
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My girlfriend gets mad at me when I’m having a beer and can’t finish...

So last night I came in cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99kf40/my_girlfriend_gets_mad_at_me_when_im_having_a/
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Bob Mueller walks into a bar.

BARTENDER: "What'll you have?"
MUELLER: "Just Ice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99kapa/bob_mueller_walks_into_a_bar/
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What Do You Do With A Dead Chemist?

You barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99kaam/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
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A long blonde joke

A Ventriloquist Tours Norway
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?
What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb.
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts yelling:
"You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little asshat on your lap!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99k5bv/a_long_blonde_joke/
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I went to get an eye exam...

The optometrist told me to stop masterbating.
I asked, “Why, does it really cause blindness?”
He said, “No, it’s just really an unprofessional thing to be doing right now. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99k4jw/i_went_to_get_an_eye_exam/
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When a man opens the car door for his girlfriend

One of them is new

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99k4ha/when_a_man_opens_the_car_door_for_his_girlfriend/
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Why do programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct. 31 == Dec. 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99k45y/why_do_programmers_always_confuse_halloween_and/
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Did you hear about the board game which traps you in a mystical world of French cuisine from which you must eat you way out?

It's called "Je manger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99k1bl/did_you_hear_about_the_board_game_which_traps_you/
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Did you know that you can’t make cheese without Jesus?

Because He is the whey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99k06m/did_you_know_that_you_cant_make_cheese_without/
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To whoever stole my antidepressants

I hope you are happy now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99jxno/to_whoever_stole_my_antidepressants/
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What did one Lesbian Vampire say to the other

Same time next month?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99jj1b/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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What's the difference between a Japanese Restaurant and a Japanese car accident?

One has lots of crustaceans, the other has lots of crushed Asians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99jbla/whats_the_difference_between_a_japanese/
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A Dad walks in on his daughter in the bedroom with her boyfriend tying her up to the four post bed...

"Dad!" She screams, "I'm Sorry!"
"Hi, Sorry, I'm Dad."  turning to the boyfriend, who's standing there holding a silk tie in his hands
"Are you fucking sorry?"
"No, I'm just here, re-posting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99j9di/a_dad_walks_in_on_his_daughter_in_the_bedroom/
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My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99j7yi/my_uncle_drank_a_whole_bottle_of_wood_varnish/
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Why might a French Archeologist be interested in how old an NBA star is?

They might be studying LeBron’s age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99j7dk/why_might_a_french_archeologist_be_interested_in/
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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99j7bl/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
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Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”
“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”
“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”
“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99j6vd/jims_car_is_swerving_all_over_the_road_so_a_cop/
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The son went to his dad and asked, “Dad, what’s an alcoholic?”

“You see those four trees over there, son? An alcoholic would see eight.
“But dad... I only see two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99j6o1/the_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_dad_whats_an/
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What do you call a Latin popstar with big nipples?

Areola Grande

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99j6bs/what_do_you_call_a_latin_popstar_with_big_nipples/
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One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99j3jt/one_gallon_of_gasoline_contains_roughly_the/
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he said to me:

“One would have been enough.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99j3j0/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he_said/
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Metroid and Zelda walk into a bar

The bartender says “that’s not their name”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99j1vw/metroid_and_zelda_walk_into_a_bar/
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How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One? Or two? One? .... Or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99j0cx/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Why are priests called "father"?

Because it'd be too suspicious if we called them "daddy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99izpg/why_are_priests_called_father/
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They arrested the overweight soap maker

Apparently he was a big fat lyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99iz4w/they_arrested_the_overweight_soap_maker/
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Car broke down in Alaska

When the tow truck arrived the driver said “It appears you blew a seal”
Guy said “no, that’s just mayonnaise, I ate a sandwich while waiting”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99iv1b/car_broke_down_in_alaska/
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Why did God create yeast infections?

So women would know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99isci/why_did_god_create_yeast_infections/
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I was waiting in a long line to order food when I saw this beautiful girl.

I was very nervous till she laughed at the pick up line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99iqqo/i_was_waiting_in_a_long_line_to_order_food_when_i/
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Hasband says to his wife “How come you never tell me when you orgasm?”

Wife says “I don’t like calling you at work”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ipyg/hasband_says_to_his_wife_how_come_you_never_tell/
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I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99iowa/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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Friends are like snowflakes

If you pee on them they disappear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ioqp/friends_are_like_snowflakes/
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I used to have a hokey pokey addiction...

Then i turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ilvm/i_used_to_have_a_hokey_pokey_addiction/
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant

and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!  "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . .
"You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99icm6/a_man_is_dining_in_a_fancy_restaurant/
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A man came to my door today asking for a donation for the local pool...

So I gave him a cup of water and closed the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99i87g/a_man_came_to_my_door_today_asking_for_a_donation/
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A father walks in on his daughter having sex

Father: What the hell is going on in here?!
Daughter: Dad! Oh my god, I’m sorry!
Father: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad!
*the father turns to her boyfriend*
Father: Are you fucking Sorry?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99i0ik/a_father_walks_in_on_his_daughter_having_sex/
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99hzei/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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Not mine but made me lol.

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an asshole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99hxzk/not_mine_but_made_me_lol/
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I went to get a prostate exam and the doctor told me I need to stop masterbating...

I asked why?
He said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99hwv9/i_went_to_get_a_prostate_exam_and_the_doctor_told/
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Two soldiers are in a tank

They both drowned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99hmoo/two_soldiers_are_in_a_tank/
%
A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99hm6b/a_vegan_was_flying_to_germany_and_discovered_the/
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What does the writer suffer from each spring?

A case of allegories

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99hlhu/what_does_the_writer_suffer_from_each_spring/
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Did you hear about the bomb that went off in the cheese factory?

All that was left was da-*brie*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99hlgt/did_you_hear_about_the_bomb_that_went_off_in_the/
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Whats the difference between a pregnant hooker and a lightbulb

You cant unscrew a pregnant hooker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99hhj6/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_hooker/
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What do politicians and porn stars have in common?

They're both experts at changing positions in front of a camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99h9ly/what_do_politicians_and_porn_stars_have_in_common/
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Whats the worst thing about having sex with an 89 year old woman?

Depends...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99h3ml/whats_the_worst_thing_about_having_sex_with_an_89/
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Jewish boy: Dad, can I have $50?

Jewish dad:$40? What do you need $30 for??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99gvb7/jewish_boy_dad_can_i_have_50/
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What does titanic and the sixth sense have in common?

Icy dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99grin/what_does_titanic_and_the_sixth_sense_have_in/
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An Elephant's Memory

While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.
For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day. Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail and slowly lifts one leg before lowering it back to the ground. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.
Probably not the same elephant then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99grc3/an_elephants_memory/
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Old school education

An old school machinist had taught many classes. Recently, the field had seen many more women join in. Most teachers changed or modernized their teaching style, to fit the times, but not him.
Every year he began his class with the simplest safety guide he knew. Don't put your hand where you wouldn't put your dick. Normally, people got the meaning regardless of gender. But one student was taken aback, she took offense to the statement. She exclaimed, "How do I follow these rules if I don't have a dick?"
The machinist, slightly irked, retorted with "It seems you've already had experience with machines, and a bad one at that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99gpxc/old_school_education/
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The camel leg thief

Shaun is a tourist visiting a small town in the Arabian desert. He stops into a shop one day and when he's finished, he finds that his camel is missing its legs. Shocked, he approaches a bystander and asks if he saw who took his camel's legs. The bystander squints at him, looks at the camel, and says to Shaun "ah, that would have been the Camel Leg Thief, you can find him that way".
Shaun sets off in the direction the bystander pointed him in, he walks along desert roads, after an hour he comes across a traveller going in the opposite direction. He tells the traveller his story and asks how much further until he reaches the Camel Leg Thief. The traveller replies "a long way along the desert, you will need a car". Shaun walked back to the town, found a car rental branch, hired a car and set off again along the road.
He travels down the road until he reaches a huge lake. A sailor stands by his small rowing boat nearby. Shaun says "I am looking for the Camel Leg Thief". The sailor replies "the Camel Leg Thief lives across the water, but you can rent a boat back in the town". Running out of patience, Shaun drives back to the town, rents a boat, attaches it to the back of his car and goes back to the water. He gets in the boat and begins rowing across.
He rows for over an hour until he reaches the other side. On the other side is a mountain range. "I am looking for the Camel Leg Thief", Shaun tells a local. The local replies "the Camel Leg Thief lives over the mountains, you can rent hiking gear back in the town". Shaun is exasperated. "For fucks sake!", he exclaims. He gets back in the boat, rows across the water, gets in his car, and drives back to town. He finds a shop and rents hiking gear. He sets back off in the car, to the water, rows back to the mountain range and prepares his climb.
He begins hiking over the mountains, losing track of time as he crosses, and gets to the other side. There he is faced by desert plains, he asks a nomad, "are you the Camel Leg Thief?". The nomad tells him "no, the Camel Leg Thief lives across these plains, but it will be dark soon and you can't cross the plains without warm clothing. There's a clothes shop in the town". Shaun can't believe it. He hikes back across the mountains, rows across the water, drives back to the town, and finds the clothes shop. There, he buys warm clothing for night time.
He drives back to the water, rows across, hikes over the mountains, and gets to the plains. It is getting dark, so he pulls on the clothing and begins to walk the plains. He walks all night. As the sun rises, he sees a huge palace ahead of him. He enters through the large doors. Inside is a huge room, the grandest room you'll ever see. On a throne, sits a man. "I am the Camel Leg Thief", proclaims the man, "what have you come for?".
Shaun asks the Camel Leg Thief, "did you steal my camel's legs?"
The Camel Leg Thief replied, "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ghmt/the_camel_leg_thief/
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What's the difference between fruit flies and time?

Fruit flies like bananas, but time flies like the wind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99gh8g/whats_the_difference_between_fruit_flies_and_time/
%
My wife gets mad at me for peeing in the shower.

I keep explaining to her it's the best way to break the poop up into smaller pieces, so it goes down the drain. She just doesn't understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99g99u/my_wife_gets_mad_at_me_for_peeing_in_the_shower/
%
My girlfriend is not great at telling stories...

I never hear the end of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99g7ki/my_girlfriend_is_not_great_at_telling_stories/
%
What do you call it when a scientist tries to get laid?

A thot experiment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99g621/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_scientist_tries_to_get/
%
When an eel strikes your heel and severe pain you feel...

... That's a moray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99g4gb/when_an_eel_strikes_your_heel_and_severe_pain_you/
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Jesus takes over for St. Peter for the day

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate for the day while I go do some errands?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The seems to go on for a long time and very tedious so Jesus has been barely paying attention to those that walk up. At the end of the day a man walks up and Jesus motions l him to sit down . Jesus asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The man replies “Oh I’m just visiting God real quick.”
Confused Jesus looks up at the man and says “Dave?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99fzs7/jesus_takes_over_for_st_peter_for_the_day/
%
A man owns and runs a bar

So a man owns and runs a bar. He’s talking to his latest guest. “See this bar? I built it myself. Do they call me Fred the builder? No. See that stool you’re sitting on? Built it myself. Do they call me Fred the carpenter? No. See that bridge out to mainland? Built it myself. Do they call me Fred the bridge builder? No. My wife was sick. Grew the herbs and made her a remedy. Do they call me Fred the doctor? No. But you fuck one goat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99fvzq/a_man_owns_and_runs_a_bar/
%
How do you kill a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99fvza/how_do_you_kill_a_blonde/
%
Even though my girlfriend is addicted to meth, I still love her.

She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99fuzh/even_though_my_girlfriend_is_addicted_to_meth_i/
%
What do you call Australian hay?

Hi. (Say it out loud)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99fttd/what_do_you_call_australian_hay/
%
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff

Baa-Dum-Tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ftdi/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fell_off_a_cliff/
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Why can't you go out with a cactus???

He's a bit of a prick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99fqmg/why_cant_you_go_out_with_a_cactus/
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Did you know that prostitutes at the Moulin Rouge used strong alcoholic drinks to bleach their hair?

Absinthe makes the tart grow blonder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99fpkp/did_you_know_that_prostitutes_at_the_moulin_rouge/
%
A man asks another "do you have a car?".

"Sorta", he replies.
"What do you mean?", asks the man.
"Well, it's my wife's car when she goes grocery shopping, it's my son's car when he goes to his girlfriend's, it's my daughter's car when she goes out at night and it's mine when it's out of gas!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99fmrv/a_man_asks_another_do_you_have_a_car/
%
Why is a step ladder better then a regular ladder?

Because your regular ladder went for cigarettes and never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99fjws/why_is_a_step_ladder_better_then_a_regular_ladder/
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What kind of mage uses pastries to seduce people?

A pie romancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99fdiu/what_kind_of_mage_uses_pastries_to_seduce_people/
%
The Blonde Mortician

A man
who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The widow returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied... You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99fbag/the_blonde_mortician/
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I saw a piece of toast behind bars at the zoo.

The sign said, "Bread in captivity."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99f6rr/i_saw_a_piece_of_toast_behind_bars_at_the_zoo/
%
Did you hear the two headed girls are making a porno

Its called 2 girls one cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99f6p4/did_you_hear_the_two_headed_girls_are_making_a/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

All over my lap while I’m driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99f609/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says

"How do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99f5ns/two_fish_are_in_a_tank_one_turns_to_the_other_and/
%
Two priests are in a car, and a cop pulls them over.

Cop: Sir, we are looking for two child molesters.
The two priests look at each other and then the driver says, “Ok. We’ll do it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99f29m/two_priests_are_in_a_car_and_a_cop_pulls_them_over/
%
Why do Jewish men circumcise?

Because Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99f0l3/why_do_jewish_men_circumcise/
%
The Sun God Helios, feeling lazy, stuck his bare glowing buttocks over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ewme/the_sun_god_helios_feeling_lazy_stuck_his_bare/
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So I was walking downstairs from my apartment and my elbow hit the chest of a girl whom I had never seen.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your chest then you will forgive me", I said to her.
"If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I live on the 4th floor", she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ev55/so_i_was_walking_downstairs_from_my_apartment_and/
%
What is the difference between a terrorist and a church choir?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99etha/what_is_the_difference_between_a_terrorist_and_a/
%
My car rear-ended a car driven by a dwarf.

He said, "I''m not happy." I replied, "Which one are you then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99eqh3/my_car_rearended_a_car_driven_by_a_dwarf/
%
Jared Fogle likes his women just how he likes his subs

6 and 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99eoqp/jared_fogle_likes_his_women_just_how_he_likes_his/
%
Wife: I cannot believe you had sex with my sister!

Husband: I walked in the room and she was lying there naked! What was I supposed to do?
Wife: The Autopsy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99emub/wife_i_cannot_believe_you_had_sex_with_my_sister/
%
Why was Buzzfeed's chief editor found dead in the bathroom?

He couldn't believe number two would shock him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99efao/why_was_buzzfeeds_chief_editor_found_dead_in_the/
%
“Thank you for calling the incontinence hotline,”

“Please hold.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ec3q/thank_you_for_calling_the_incontinence_hotline/
%
A Communist Party Bureaucrat drives down to a collective farm to register a potato harvest

"Comrade farmer, how has the harvest been this year?" the official asks.
"Oh, by the grace of God we have had mountains of potatoes", answers the farmer.
"But there is no God" counters the official.
"Huh", says the farmer, "And there are no mountains of potatoes either"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99e5l0/a_communist_party_bureaucrat_drives_down_to_a/
%
What do you call a nose without a body

Nobody knows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99dwx4/what_do_you_call_a_nose_without_a_body/
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99dv6a/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_bottles/
%
So, I went the the doctor the other day for a check up. I said to my doctor, "Doc, my back has been KILLING me. No matter what I do, I just can't get rid of the pain. What can I do?" My doctor says, "Well, you're going to have to stop masturbating," to which I replied, "Stop masturbating? Why?"

Doc: "So I can examine you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99dnag/so_i_went_the_the_doctor_the_other_day_for_a/
%
Your momma so fat

When she take a bath she fills up the tub then turns the water on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99djl5/your_momma_so_fat/
%
As an aeroplane is about to crash...

... a female passenger jumps up and down frantically and announced "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She strips off all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone in this place man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99dcyi/as_an_aeroplane_is_about_to_crash/
%
After 35 years, It was Brian the Postman's last day carrying the post in a quaint Irish village

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who thanked him for his service and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars and Irish Whiskey.  "Good Luck to ye, Brian!"  They called after him.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of hand-made fishing lures.  "Fer yer free time!"  They had said.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in an open robe, leaving little to the imagination.  She took him by the hand, gently led him inside.  She then took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate love making that he had ever experienced.
When they had finished, they went downstairs and she fixed him a proper breakfast tray of eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
After all was said and done, he noticed a pound coin in the corner of the tray. "I've had such a wonderful time," he said, "but what's the pound for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.  He said, 'Fuck him!  Give him a pound'...but the breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99dc1m/after_35_years_it_was_brian_the_postmans_last_day/
%
Have you heard the one about the woman with twelve breasts?

Me neither, but it sounds uncomfortable, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99dblr/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_woman_with/
%
Why does Swedish sugar taste better?

It’s Sweder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99d75z/why_does_swedish_sugar_taste_better/
%
A man was swimming in a lake

The lake was in a secluded area, so he decided to swim naked. It was pretty nice and refreshing. But suddenly, as he was swimming around, he felt a hand grabbing his balls and a voice said:
-Two more or two less?
The man, scared of losing both of his balls, said:
-Umm... Two more!
The next second, he had 4 testicles. He quickly got out of the lake and went to the doctor and explained what happened. The doctor said:
-Well, good thing that you chose to have 2 more instead of none at all, since getting a new pair of testicles is impossible. But, unfortunately, because of the way they are connected, if I removed 2 of them, the other two would also fall off. So you either live with 4 fully functional testicles or try to go at the lake and ask for two less this time.
The man took his time and decided to go at the lake again, since no woman would like a guy with 4 balls or no balls at all. So he goes to the secluded lake, gets naked and jump in. After several minutes of swimming, he feels the gentle touch on his balls again. Needless to say, he was relieved that he's gonna get back to normal. And a few seconds later, the voice said:
-Four more or four less?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99d6up/a_man_was_swimming_in_a_lake/
%
Warhorse walks into a bar

The barman says "why the long film"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99d63g/warhorse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did investigators find in Jeffrey Dahmer's shower?

Head & Shoulders﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99d5sx/what_did_investigators_find_in_jeffrey_dahmers/
%
I accidentally ripped up my homework assignment about the history of perforated paper.

It was tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99d2xn/i_accidentally_ripped_up_my_homework_assignment/
%
There’s a new machine at my gym. Used it for an hour and felt sick.

It’s really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99d2h3/theres_a_new_machine_at_my_gym_used_it_for_an/
%
Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password

It just isn't stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99d0wa/apparently_you_cant_use_beefstew_as_a_password/
%
The Chicken and the Horse

On a farm in the countryside, there was a chicken and a horse that were best friends, and they often went walking through the pastures together, just talking.
One day while on one of their walks, the horse fell into a mire, and was steadily sinking.  The horse was getting very afraid and asked the chicken to please hurry and go get help!
The chicken, thinking quickly, said to the horse, “Don’t Worry!  I’ll go get the Lamb!” and she ran to the barn where the farmer kept an old tractor, and quickly drove it over to where the horse was now neck deep in the mire.  Quick as she could, she tied a rope to the back of the tractor and then tossed the other end to the horse and said, “Here! Grab onto this with your teeth!” The horse did and the chicken pulled the horse out of the mire with the tractor, saving his life.
“Thank you so much!  I knew I could count on you--you’re the best friend a horse could ask for!” the horse cried, happy to be out of danger.
“Of course,” the chicken replied, “I know you would do the same for me.”  And they finished their walk and called it a day.
As it happened, a few months later, it was the chicken that fell in a mire during one of their walks.  Terrified, she cried out, “Quick! Go get the Lamb and help pull me out!”
But the horse didn’t move, he was sizing up the mire, which appeared to be smaller than the one he got stuck in.  “Hold on, I think if I go for the Lamb you’ll be swallowed up by the time I get back. Instead, I think I can stand across this mire, and when I do you should grab that dangly thing between my legs and I’ll pull you out.”  The chicken was dubious, but did as the horse said and in no time flat the chicken was out and back on solid ground.
“Whew, that was good thinking there, friend.  I knew I could count on you!” the chicken exclaimed.
“Well, it just goes to show you,” the horse replied, “you don’t need a Lamborghini to pick up chicks, you just need to be hung like a horse!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99d0v3/the_chicken_and_the_horse/
%
Two guys are walking down the street

One of them sees a "For Sale" sign hanging on a lamppost, and starts knocking on it.
The other one says, "What are you doing?"
"I wanna buy it so I need to see how much the owner wants for it, but he won't open up."
"Weird. The lights are on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99czqi/two_guys_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
My girlfriend told me she’s tired of ass play

So we sold our donkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99czo6/my_girlfriend_told_me_shes_tired_of_ass_play/
%
Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99cze1/manafort_and_cohen_flip_on_the_president_trump_is/
%
How do you know if the mosquitos are really big?

When their sucking feels good.
​
​
A joke told my my grandfather about when he was stationed in the woods in the army.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99czcf/how_do_you_know_if_the_mosquitos_are_really_big/
%
What do you get when you cross a grizzly bear with a lawn mower?

Killed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99cybh/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_grizzly_bear/
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The 5 types of sex

Haven't seen this one so apologies if you have.
In life there are 5 types of sex:
1. Smurf sex: During the initial phase when you both have sex until you're blue
2. Kitchen Sex: Starting around the honeymoon period this is when yu have sex everywhere including the kitchen
3. Bedroom sex: More mature, you've been together a while, maybe even have kids, here sex stays in the bedroom
4. Hallway sex: Later you barely stand each other now the only sex you get is passing each other in the hallway say to the other "Go fuck yourself"
5. Courtroom sex: Divorce came and now your wife is suing you for everything you've got and you get fucked in front of the whole world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99cy67/the_5_types_of_sex/
%
My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.”

Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99cx5f/my_friend_said_i_really_need_to_go_home_and_feed/
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Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99cwo9/jared_from_subway_ended_his_career_the_same_way/
%
Boiling water

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99cwc8/boiling_water/
%
They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there’s so many Australians in London nowadays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99cvye/they_say_criminals_often_return_to_the_scene_of/
%
What’s the fastest liquid on the planet?

Milk. Because it’s pasteurized before you see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99cvwz/whats_the_fastest_liquid_on_the_planet/
%
What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99clwr/what_do_you_call_a_wife_that_knows_where_her/
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"It'll never fit in" she said, a worried look on her face.

"It's far too big".
I pushed, and it slid right in through the back, as far as it could go.
"Oh", she said, with a slight smile and a gasp.
Fucking knew I'd fit that table in the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99cg2b/itll_never_fit_in_she_said_a_worried_look_on_her/
%
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99cex2/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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Animals getting frisky

A father and son are standing on a hill looking out over a plain. Seeing a pair of animals getting intimate, the son turns to his father and says "Dad, why is that buffalo getting on top of another boy buffalo? Is it gay?"
The father turns to the son to admonish him.
"You shouldn't be judgemental of another person or animal for the sexuality!"
While he says this, the same buffalo mounts a female.
"Anyway, it's bison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ceak/animals_getting_frisky/
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A joke is like a frog

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ce2h/a_joke_is_like_a_frog/
%
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:

Mind if I say a word?"
She says: "Please do."
The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."
Edit 2: First Gold. Cheers mate🥂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99cdh4/a_man_goes_to_a_funeral_and_asks_the_widow/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I would mind if she lost the end of her foot

I said "Sorry, I'm lack-toes intolerant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99cce8/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_would_mind_if_she/
%
Over the past few months I've lost 200 pounds!

Luckily, the police found the thief and returned my money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99c9um/over_the_past_few_months_ive_lost_200_pounds/
%
I came here to tell a gay joke

But fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99c9tg/i_came_here_to_tell_a_gay_joke/
%
Kidnapping

There was a kidnapping at our school yesterday
Don't worry though, he woke up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99c0rx/kidnapping/
%
A man with a 20 inch penis goes to the doctor

He says "Doc, 20 inches is way too much! I'm having trouble with my daily life, and no woman even dares to come near me! This thing has ruined my life! Is it possible to reduce it to something more manageable?"
"Surgery can't help," the doctor explains. "But while I can't recommend this officially as a physician, there's a method I've heard of that could help you out. Just out of the city, in the swamps down south, there's a golden frog that can talk. Find it, then ask it to marry you. It'll say no, of course, but every time it does your penis will shrink by 4 inches. Do it as many times as you need."
Naturally, the man was skeptical, but he decided to give it a shot - what did he have to lose, after all? So that very same day he drove south to the swamps, beginning his search for the elusive golden frog. He spent all afternoon, all evening, then all night searching for the frog, to no avail. And then, as if by some miracle, he spotted something gold and shiny perched up on a log. No question about it, it was the golden frog! Ecstatic, the man sneaked up on the frog to make sure he didn't scare it, and when he was close enough asked:
"Golden frog, will you marry me?"
"No," responded the frog with a human, female voice.
The man looked inside his pants and, lo and behold, his penis had visibly shrunk! If the doctor was right, then he was now sitting at 16 inches. It was still unmanageably large, but he was on the right track!
"Golden frog, will you marry me?" He repeated.
"No," the golden frog replied in turn.
Looking inside his pants again, the man noticed another visible shrink! This was amazing! If the doctor was right, then his penis was now only 12 inches! The man decided to ask just once more, since while an 8 inch penis was still very impressive, it was going to be small enough to not interfere with his every day life.
"Golden frog, will you marry me?"
"How many times do I have to tell you?" The frog turned to him, annoyed. "No, no, no!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99bv38/a_man_with_a_20_inch_penis_goes_to_the_doctor/
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What do you get after you cross a chicken with a lion ?

Just the lion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99btrw/what_do_you_get_after_you_cross_a_chicken_with_a/
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TIL

There's a central african tribe of pygmy called the ''Fakawi'.
But how did they get this name?..
Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall...
Every so often they could be seen jumping up shouting...
''Where the Fakawi?''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99btmw/til/
%
A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.
A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.
The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! Lemme see that duck!"
Dave gives the duck over to the trooper, who proceeds to stick his finger in the ducks ass, pull it out, and sniff it.
"You know... This is a California duck. You need to have a California license to hunt this duck."
Dave pulls out a California license and hands it to the trooper, who inspects it closely.
Surprised, the trooper says, "Well, looks like this is your lucky day, "Dave". But I've got my eye on you."
The trooper leaves, almost making it back to his car, when ***BAM!***, he hears another gunshot.
"I've got that fucker now." the trooper said to himself, and runs back out to find Dave, yet again holding up a duck.
"Stop right there, Dave! Gimme that!"
He yanks the duck away from Dave, jams his finger deep into the ducks anus, pulls out his finger, and gives it a big ole whiff.
He points at Dave with his stinky finger, "This is a Canadian duck. You better have a Canadian license."
Confidently, Dave pulls out a license and hands it to the trooper. The trooper looks at it, and lo-and-behold, it's a Canadian license.
"Well, "Dave", looks like you've skirted by again, but you can't escape the law, forever."
The trooper grumbles and starts making his way back to his car, when ***BAM!*** he hears yet another gunshot, right behind him.
He turns around and runs over to Dave, who is, of course, holding another duck.
The trooper doesn't say a word and storms over to Dave, who calmly hands him the duck as the trooper grabs it, frustratingly.
The trooper slides his finger into the limp duck's balloon knot and feels around. He slowly pulls his finger out, waving it around and takes in its scent as if he's sampling some new, high-class perfume. He stops and looks at Dave, wearing an impish grin.
"Now, "Dave". This is a...", he sniffs the air again, "... this is an almost extinct, Trans-Siberian Duck. If you don't have a Trans-Siberian, Class-A duck-hunting license, I'm going to put you away for a long, long time."
Dave stops for a moment, pulls out a license, and hands it to the trooper.
The trooper looks down. Sure enough, it's a Trans-Siberian, Class-A duck-hunting license.
The trooper collapses to his knees, the license crumpling out of his hands. The trooper is almost speechless and has a bewildered, twisted look on his face. Silence. The wind blows a leaf by, and it is just the two of them, the violated duck by the trooper's side.
"But... How? Wh--who are you? WHAT... *are you*?"
Slowly, Dave turns around and bends down, as if reaching for something.
But he just turns his head back towards the trooper and finally says, "I don't know, officer..."
... pulling down his pants, exposing his asshole.
"... you tell me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99bqun/a_police_officer_catches_dave_duckhunting_checks/
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Welcome to plastic surgery addiction group!

I see a lot of new faces around...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99bncq/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addiction_group/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99bktn/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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I’ve written a theatre production called “Thesaurus.”

It’s a play on words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99bkp6/ive_written_a_theatre_production_called_thesaurus/
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The factory of the future will have only two employees...

...the man and the dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man away from the machines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99be38/the_factory_of_the_future_will_have_only_two/
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Three Europeans went to America

...when they all get captured by native Americans who want to kill them. The Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native Americans say "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs so the native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native Americans tell him the same thing. He laughs and the native Americans kill him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, I'm ticklish and thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99bclo/three_europeans_went_to_america/
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“Your generation relies too much on technology!”

My Grandpa told me, “your generation relies too much on technology!” I told him, “no, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then, I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99bbg5/your_generation_relies_too_much_on_technology/
%
Why wouldn't the chicken cross the road ?

It chickened out and circled around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99b91s/why_wouldnt_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Do you think shoes that are in love call each other ...

...
solemates?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99b8ni/do_you_think_shoes_that_are_in_love_call_each/
%
The last thing my dad said to me

was "stop shaking the ladder you cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99b7w9/the_last_thing_my_dad_said_to_me/
%
What's the smallest bone in a goats body?

A terrorists dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99b5r0/whats_the_smallest_bone_in_a_goats_body/
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The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket was

“Watch how far I can kick this bucket!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99b32t/the_last_thing_my_father_said_to_me_before_he/
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The Ship’s Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.
Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship:
“Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”
With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”
And with valiant strength, they defeat the pirates.
A few days later, the lookout yells again:
“Captain! Captain! TWO pirate vessels in sight!”
With the same stern look on his face, the captain declares solemnly:
“Go fetch me my red blouse!”
And like the first time, they manage to defeat the pirates and stay intact.
One of the ship’s members is very intrigued and asks the captain why he wants his red blouse every time.
“That way, if te pirates hurt me they will not be able to tell i’m bleeding.”
All of the ship stands in awe of the amazing strategy the captain has.
A week later, the lookout yells again: “Captain!Captain! TEN pirate vessels in sight!”
All of the crew of the ship are waiting for the captain to say his famous words.
Finally, he declares:
“Go fetch me my brown pants!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99b108/the_ships_brave_captain/
%
Paper cuts are like German sausage

The wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99b0vh/paper_cuts_are_like_german_sausage/
%
This morning I tried to flip my eggs like I do with my pancakes,

Yolks on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99b0hz/this_morning_i_tried_to_flip_my_eggs_like_i_do/
%
Guy walks into a bar. Says give me a shot. I'm celebrating my first blowjob. Says give me another shot. Now give me another. Bartender says That must have been some blowjob. How many shots are you going to have?

Guy says, as many as it takes to get the taste out of my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99azhc/guy_walks_into_a_bar_says_give_me_a_shot_im/
%
Why did the blind man fall down the well

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99axvh/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_down_the_well/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar

and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
​The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
​The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."
​The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99awwl/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call it when a Cambodian dictator opens up a restaurant in his Cannabis plantation?

Pol Pot's Pot Plot Hot Pot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99avxn/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_cambodian_dictator/
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New research shows 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

This is my first time. Please be gentle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99avs8/new_research_shows_6_out_of_7_dwarves_are_not/
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Three wishes

Bob, James, and Albert go for a hike in the mountains one day and they find a strange lamp. They rub it and a genie appears, the genie is so relieved to be free that he offers each of them three wishes, with the one condition that each man have at least one month between their wishes, they see this as fair and begin to take their first wishes.
Bob wishes to be ten years younger, and boom all of a sudden, he is 27 again and fitter than ever.
James wishes to never age, and nothing appears to be different, but the genie reassured him that it definitely worked.
Albert gets a sly look on his face and wishes that his left arm will forever rotate counter-clockwise, and immediately it does.
One month later they all meet up back at the bottle and start the second round of wishes.
This time Bob wishes for ten billion dollars to be deposited immediately into his bank account, the genie agrees and Bob checks his phone and indeed it worked.
James then wishes to always be the richest man in the world. Instantaneously hundreds of billions of dollars are in each of his bank accounts.
Albert, still with his arm spinning, gets the same sly look as before onto his face and wishes that his right arm will forever rotate clockwise, it begins and Albert can barely contain his excitement.
The three friends go their separate ways and meet up at the same spot exactly one month later.
This time Bob wishes to be married to the most beautiful wife in the world, instantly an incredibly gorgeous woman appears and declares that she is his wife.
Next James wishes to be so charming that he can get any woman he wants, Bob’s wife then suddenly walks over to James and they begin to make out.
Albert has the same look on his face as the last two times he got a wish and then wishes that his head would constantly nod back and forth forever.
The three me once again go their separate ways, after James had gotten the phone number of Bob’s wife, and then don’t see each other for a while. Five years pass and the Bob remembers the incident with the bottle and wants to catch up with his old friends so he invites them over.
Once James arrives with his entourage of beautiful women, and Albert arrives, still rotating and bobbing, Bob tells them about what has happened in the last five years.
“Well I invested my money wisely and now I own a tech company that rivals Microsoft and Apple with their profit and customer service, and also my wife is great.”
James speaks next
“Well I have had no need to invest and have continued to be the most sought after man in the world. And you’re correct, your wife *is* great.”
Albert is the last to speak, James and Bob are so confused as to why his wishes had been the way they had been.
Albert looks them dead in the eyes and says,
“Guys... I think I may have made a mistake!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99aidd/three_wishes/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing bonde and an old lady...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ablt/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_bonde_and/
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I tried to explain to my son...

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99ab1w/i_tried_to_explain_to_my_son/
%
An old teacher asked her student...

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99aasf/an_old_teacher_asked_her_student/
%
Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99a59z/past_present_and_future_walked_into_a_bar/
%
A 97 year-old man marries a 28 year old woman...

2 weeks after the honeymoon, his wife gets pregnant. The doctor asked,
"You're ninety seven years old! How do you do it?"
The man replies, "You just gotta keep that motor turning."
A year later, the mans wife is pregnant again. The doctor asks,
"You're ninety eight years old, how do you do it?"
The man again replied with, "You just gotta keep that motor turning.".
Two years go by, and the mans with is pregnant a third time. The doctor asks,
"You're one hundred years old, how do you do it?".
The man says, "you just gotta keep that motor turning."
The doctor replied with "you'd better change the oil because this one came out black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99a3lu/a_97_yearold_man_marries_a_28_year_old_woman/
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Got given a compliment about my parking today.

Someone stuck a note to my windscreen that said "Parking Fine".
That's nice of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99a1ie/got_given_a_compliment_about_my_parking_today/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/999ra9/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The Taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/999hmt/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
%
Part of the alphabet has been destroyed in a terrorist attack.

No letter has been charged, but the cops suspect G-had a hand in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/999h91/part_of_the_alphabet_has_been_destroyed_in_a/
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How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all your booze?

Invite two of them!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/999gp7/how_do_you_get_a_mormon_to_stop_drinking_all_your/
%
You, too, could lose 100 pounds with Herbalife...

...Simply by paying British money to sign up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/999dpy/you_too_could_lose_100_pounds_with_herbalife/
%
Did you hear about the guy who has his buttcheeks sewn together?

He was Crackalakin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/999bn6/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_has_his_buttcheeks/
%
Dave and Joe were best friends

Joe and his family went on vacation for about a week, but when he came back, Dave noticed that he was very different, his mood and tendencies had completely changed.
This was not the same Joe.
The smoking gun was that Joe's eyes were not his usual green, but blue.
He flew to Joe's old hotel room, picked the lock, and broke in. Joe's family were all lying on the ground, dead. But Joe was nowhere to be seen.
He flew back home and as his car parked on his driveway, there in front of his car, was a giant black raven. The raven cawed, and out of its mouth came what looked to be a back of tic-tacs. Dave hesitantly opened it and tried one, they were mints, but there was something peculiar about them, there was a bit of meat right in the middle.
"Did you figure out yet?" a voice asked from behind him. "Where he is."
Dave turned around to see the impostor Joe. "What did you do to him!" he shouted
"Haven't you figured it out yet." said the impostor
Dave looked down at the mints, and had a horrible realization about the meat in the middle of them.
"**The real Joe is in the caw mints."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/999b2y/dave_and_joe_were_best_friends/
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My humor is like my dick...

It goes deep, but not enough people get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9998s6/my_humor_is_like_my_dick/
%
Whats the best way to carve a piece of wood?

Whittle by whittle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9997uf/whats_the_best_way_to_carve_a_piece_of_wood/
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There's a haunted KFC near my house.

They think it's poultrygeist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/998z9k/theres_a_haunted_kfc_near_my_house/
%
A man goes to a five dollar lady of the night, and gets crabs. He goes back to complain...

She says, "It was $5... what did you expect? Lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/998yz1/a_man_goes_to_a_five_dollar_lady_of_the_night_and/
%
What do you call the work of a famous cow?

Legend Dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/998xg6/what_do_you_call_the_work_of_a_famous_cow/
%
I have a kid in Africa...

I have a kid in Africa and for only 37 cents a day he has a place to live, plenty of food, and all his shots.
The expensive part was flying him there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/998unw/i_have_a_kid_in_africa/
%
What do you call a Portuguese that's by himself?

A Portugoose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/998td9/what_do_you_call_a_portuguese_thats_by_himself/
%
My Dog is always chasing people in cars

I'm not gonna stop him, but I'm just confused about how he learned to drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/998t3p/my_dog_is_always_chasing_people_in_cars/
%
My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats.

Guess I can’t go on tumblr anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/998s1a/my_doctor_told_me_to_stay_away_from_trans_fats/
%
A Swedish man was walking through London

when he stopped a pedestrian.
"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?"
"Why not?" The Englishman responded. "Go ahead."
"You see," the Swedish man said, "I'm a bit confused about the 'ough' sound. In 'through', it makes an 'oo' sound. In 'plough', it makes an 'ow' sound. And in 'though' it makes an 'oh' sound. I just can't figure it out."
The Englishman just chuckled and said, "Tough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/998l2j/a_swedish_man_was_walking_through_london/
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Reddit's website was down yesterday.

And nobody had any idea what to do. There were no profits to be made while Reddit was down. Most of the workers had either gone home or were sitting at their desks doing nothing. The executives started losing it. They had already lost several thousand dollars of ad revenue from a lack of clicks. They even started considering mass layoffs. By 12 PM, almost everyone had given up on getting any work done, and went home early.
So yeah, not a great day at buzzfeed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/998kpk/reddits_website_was_down_yesterday/
%
I accidentally gave my wife superglue instead of Chapstick

She's still not talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/998icq/i_accidentally_gave_my_wife_superglue_instead_of/
%
Two guys walking past a dog that's licking his balls. One guy says wistfully, "I wish I could do that."

The other guy says, "Go ahead. He looks friendly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/998h1i/two_guys_walking_past_a_dog_thats_licking_his/
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Russian Joke - little Wally

Little Wally was always saying mean or inappropriate things in his class.
So the girls of the class decided that if Wally says something inappropriate or mean again, they will all storm out of a class as a sign of protest.
The following day, the teacher asks the class:
"kids, what is being built in our beautiful city nowadays?"
-Peter says... "A new apartment complex is being built".
-"Very good', says the teacher.  "What else?"
-"a new factory is being built," says Mary.
-"Good one", says the teacher.  "What else?"
-"A new whorehouse is being built", says Wally.
all of the girls got up to storm out of a class.
Perplexed, Wally says:
-"Hold on you all, they have barely finished pouring a foundation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/998fxo/russian_joke_little_wally/
%
What kind of tea do cops make?

Police brew tali tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/998bcg/what_kind_of_tea_do_cops_make/
%
My stoner friend is on the 'seaweed' diet...

He sees weed, then smokes it in the parking lot at Red Lobster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9988ym/my_stoner_friend_is_on_the_seaweed_diet/
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Why did the pirate only use his swords on women?

Because they were cutlasses, not cutlads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9987ja/why_did_the_pirate_only_use_his_swords_on_women/
%
I purchased a deodorant stick today

Instructions say, “Remove cap and push up bottom”
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I fart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9986h4/i_purchased_a_deodorant_stick_today/
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What's the worst thing about having sex with your boss's daughter?

Remembering you're self employed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99807a/whats_the_worst_thing_about_having_sex_with_your/
%
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997xge/my_girlfriend_is_fed_up_of_my_constant_wordplay/
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What did Kermit the Frog say after Jim Henson died?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997wus/what_did_kermit_the_frog_say_after_jim_henson_died/
%
What do you call a midget who has been abandon by their parents?

A Dworphan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997vqx/what_do_you_call_a_midget_who_has_been_abandon_by/
%
Little Johnny and the word fascinate

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascina
ted.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'?
The teacher sat down and cried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997qxb/little_johnny_and_the_word_fascinate/
%
Make the little things count.

Teach dwarfs Mathematics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997qug/make_the_little_things_count/
%
A veteran is being interviewed for a job...

and it looks like hes going to get it. When the interviewer asks
I. Do you have any medical issues we should know about?
V. When I was in the war my testicles were blown off. I take pills for it so its not an issue though. Only problem is I cant drink coffee now. The caffeine will interfere with the medication.
I. Well that shouldn't be a problem. Your hired. We work 8-6 every weekday. You can come in at 10.
V. Alright but why 10?
I. This is a government funded operation. For the first 2 hrs we just drink coffee and scratch our balls. No need for you to come in for that is there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997p9j/a_veteran_is_being_interviewed_for_a_job/
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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997ovd/what_gets_longer_when_pulled_fits_between_breasts/
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I’m hard and hairy on the outside but soft and wet on the inside. My name begins with “c”, ends in “t”, and there’s a “u” and “n” in between them. What am i?

A coconut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997o8l/im_hard_and_hairy_on_the_outside_but_soft_and_wet/
%
I'm jerking an egg and a chicken off...

... I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997mkg/im_jerking_an_egg_and_a_chicken_off/
%
I've started selling tiny notebooks

The margins are pretty tight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997l7q/ive_started_selling_tiny_notebooks/
%
Entered an erection tournament the other day

the competition was stiff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997ivb/entered_an_erection_tournament_the_other_day/
%
Watch your language.

Dad and son cuss too much, and mom has had enough. One night she tells them both, "I hear anymore profanity, and so help me, I will not be responsible for my reaction!"
The next morning, mom gets up and heads downstairs to the kitchen to start breakfast. Dad follows her and mom asks, "What do you want for breakfast?"
Dad says, "Let's have some fuckin' pancakes."
Mom grabs the nearest frying pan, swings it at dad, knocks him out cold, and he falls to the floor. As this happens, son walks into the kitchen and sees the entire incident. Mom looks at her son and asks, "What do you want for breakfast?"
Son says, "I sure as shit don't want any fuckin' pancakes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997isz/watch_your_language/
%
A doctor was being questioned at the court.

Attorney: Doctor, before performing the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Doctor: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor: No
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor: No
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Doctor: No
Attorney: How can you be so sure doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Doctor: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997gbn/a_doctor_was_being_questioned_at_the_court/
%
How does the Pope buy things online

He uses Papal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997etb/how_does_the_pope_buy_things_online/
%
Two condoms are walking down a street one night

Two condoms are waking down a street one night when they pass a gay bar. One turns to the other and says “Hey, wanna get shit-faced?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/997bay/two_condoms_are_walking_down_a_street_one_night/
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What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?

A full set of teeth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99792l/what_do_you_get_when_you_have_32_rednecks_in_the/
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At a pharmacy

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9977yz/at_a_pharmacy/
%
Why is Jim Jones the best boxer?

He took out 918 people with one punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99774u/why_is_jim_jones_the_best_boxer/
%
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee...

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.  "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.  She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9974ib/while_playing_in_the_backyard_little_johnny_kills/
%
I recently fulfilled my life's dream of becoming an usher

I guess I put a lot of people in their place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99747l/i_recently_fulfilled_my_lifes_dream_of_becoming/
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What's the last thing every Tickle Me Elmo gets before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99743s/whats_the_last_thing_every_tickle_me_elmo_gets/
%
Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long...

No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't.  The  guilt was overwhelming.  But every once in a while he would hear in  internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry  about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one  of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave."  But  invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality  whispering: "Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99716r/dr_dave_had_sex_with_one_of_his_patients_and_felt/
%
A man finds a lamp on the beach...

He picks it up and rubs it to see if a genie pops out of it. The genie gives the usual speech, "I will grant thee 3 wishes."
The man starts listing his desires. "Oh my God, a real genie! Uh, ok, I want a huge mansion!"
"l have granted thee a mansion."
"And I want tons of naked women in the mansion for me!"
"I have granted thee plenty of fine women."
Then the man makes his third wish. the genie grants it, and all of the sudden 3 men wearing sheets riding on horseback came and took the man and hung him from a tree.
Afterwards. the genie meets up with other genies and starts talking about the guy. "You know. I've been stuck in that lamp for 5,000 years, but it's nice to know humans still want the same stuff. The guy asked me for a mansion, then lots of women to fill the mansion, of course. But he confused me when he said he wanted to be 'hung like a black man."'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9970ey/a_man_finds_a_lamp_on_the_beach/
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There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history

Is in the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/996zsj/theres_a_beautiful_irony_in_the_fact_the_history/
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The wizard was driving down the street

When suddenly he turned into a driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/996skm/the_wizard_was_driving_down_the_street/
%
Nothing else signifies the end of a beyblade career like a gravestone. It's the last way to...

Let it R.I.P.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/996nye/nothing_else_signifies_the_end_of_a_beyblade/
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Yo momma is so fat

that when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/996nxh/yo_momma_is_so_fat/
%
Have you heard about the sodium-powered robot?

He was charged with a salt battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/996j0x/have_you_heard_about_the_sodiumpowered_robot/
%
Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy...

....it feels good but then you look down and realize you’re gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/996grh/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blow_job_from_a/
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Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:
'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"
"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.
Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the church, they go:
'Oh pastor! Oh pastor!'"
The other two shout, "Oh my, how impressive!"
The third mother is beaming with pride and says, "Well, MY son is 4 feet tall and 800 pounds. When he walks past the church, they go:
'MY GOD!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/996b87/three_christian_mothers_are_having_afternoon_tea/
%
What's a police officer's favorite gaming console?

Wii U Wii U Wii U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9969i2/whats_a_police_officers_favorite_gaming_console/
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Steve goes to prison for the first time

He is walked to his cell, where he's greeted by a mountain of a man.
The cell mate introduces himself as Big Dave, and tells him he'd like to play a game of mommy and daddy.
"So, do you want to be mommy or daddy?"
Steve thinks about it for a bit, and decides that being daddy is probably the safer choice.
"I guess I'll be daddy."
"Ok daddy, come over here and suck mommy's dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9966jm/steve_goes_to_prison_for_the_first_time/
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What’s the difference between a cactus and a BMW

A cactus has  pricks on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9964de/whats_the_difference_between_a_cactus_and_a_bmw/
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A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job...

#
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What's 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/996389/a_blonde_walks_into_the_police_department_looking/
%
Why were the Mongols always so happy?

They were nomads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9961i0/why_were_the_mongols_always_so_happy/
%
Why was the Scarecrow promoted?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9961eg/why_was_the_scarecrow_promoted/
%
Why can’t Miss Piggy stay in a relationship?

She’s afraid of kermittment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/995zpt/why_cant_miss_piggy_stay_in_a_relationship/
%
Guy walks into a bar upset

Asks the bartender for a double shot of whiskey. Bartender pours it, and as fast as he puts I’d down the upset guys throws it on back.
He then asks for another double shot of whiskey. Bartender feels bad for the guy and says “This one is on the House.” Upset guy doesn’t flinch and downs it again.
Few minutes go by and he asks for another double shot of whiskey. Bartender feeling worried asks, “What happened lad?? What is making ya want to get shitfaced?”
Upset guy says “You don’t even know sir, last night I got completely railed out of mind. I can’t believe what I’ve done. I’ll never live with myself.”
Bartender says, “Come on couldn’t have been that bad. We’ve all had our share of drunken nights.”
Upset guy says, “You don’t understand - I went out with this girl I met online. Absolutely beautiful girl. We had a great time but I definitely had one too many drinks. By the end of the night we were back at her place and I started blowing chunks all over the house. Blew chunks in the kitchen, in the bedroom... Hell I even blew chunks right on her front yard.”
Bartender says, “ that’s okay, we all get a little too drunk and it’s all gonna go somewhere right? Hell I even yakked in the toilet just last weekend”
“Sir you don’t understand I wasn’t yakking... Chunks is the name of her dog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/995vnz/guy_walks_into_a_bar_upset/
%
A journalist sets itself to find the saddest story in his region...

So he plans to go to the most remote area where civilization is still getting there slowly. One of the locals says that he can take him to Babka, the eldest person in the village, he agrees and goes to Babka's house. When he gets there, he greets Babka and tells him that he is a journalist looking for the saddest story in the region and that someone told him that he may be the right person to share it.
Babka starts with "One day, Borska's wife lost in mountains you see there. 10 men looking for Borska's wife in mountains, 35 days no stop. We found her, but we men, after 35 days, had need for snu snu... so we snu snu Borska's wife... all men.".
The journalist exploded a mouthful of water after hearing that and told him, that there is no way that he could publish that in an article, newspaper or anything and asked Babka to think of another story.
Babka started "One day, Borka's daughter lost in mountains you see there...". The journalist stopped Babka inmmediately and told him that he knew where this is going and that still is a story definitely not for publishing it. The journalist said to him, "Babka, I know that there is a story somewhere in your heart that brings the biggest emotions to you, I know there is one. Maybe you could think about a story that cause you to cry inconsolably, or maybe great pain in your life, share your hardest story to tell".
Babka looked at him, then wandered around the house for a couple of seconds, then went to the window and started looking at the sky and finally some tears came to his eyes and when he was ready to share his story, he said to the journalist:  "One day, Babka lost in mountains you see there..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/995raw/a_journalist_sets_itself_to_find_the_saddest/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/995jnp/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
%
A Genie grants a man 3 wishes

The genie says the only catch is whatever you wish for your ex wife will get double.
The man says "For my first wish I want a huge mansion."
Sure enough the man is given a huge mansion and his ex wife gets two.
"My second wish, I want a billion dollars!"
The man is given a billion dollars and his ex is given two billion.
The genie says, "and for your final wish?"
The man says "I wish to be beaten half to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/995j2a/a_genie_grants_a_man_3_wishes/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/995gz8/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
A depressed old woman decides it's time to end it all..

so she purchases a pistol and decides she is going to shoot herself in the heart. However, wanting to make sure that death is quick, she visits her doctor to inquire the exact location of the heart. Her doctor informs her that the heart is located just under the left breast, after which she thanks him and returns home.
Later that evening the old woman is rushed to the emergency room with a gunshot to the left knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/995g6o/a_depressed_old_woman_decides_its_time_to_end_it/
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As I suspected...

... someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/995emz/as_i_suspected/
%
Did you hear about the racist shellfish?

He joined the Ku Klux Klam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/995d7l/did_you_hear_about_the_racist_shellfish/
%
What did one snow man say to the other?

"smells like carrots."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9958u7/what_did_one_snow_man_say_to_the_other/
%
Did you hear about the gay dyslexic?

He loves Alan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9958pl/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_dyslexic/
%
My grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99561a/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
A rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed by the sight he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man: "Why are you eating grass?"
The poor man replied: "We don't have any money for food. We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the rich man said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us too".
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and nine children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the rich man answered. They all entered the car, almost didn't fit even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor men turned to the rich guy and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
He replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9952fq/a_rich_man_was_riding_in_his_limousine_when_he/
%
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day..

..only to be confronted by Kevin, carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning", said Kevin. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, Kevin wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!", he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a damn good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9950zq/a_little_old_lady_answered_a_knock_on_the_door/
%
I mentioned in another thread how I was about to post a joke to /jokes

one of the mods asked, “is it a common repost?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9950v3/i_mentioned_in_another_thread_how_i_was_about_to/
%
Three nuns

, of the Immaculate conception nunnery were called in the office of the Chief Priest.
Priest said to them :  I heard some rumors about your indecent behaviour with some men. But God is merciful and will forgive you if you come clean. He then asks the first nun to confess. «Father I only did a handjob one day».
The priest, furious, tells her to go wash her hands with holy water. He then asks the second one. «Sister, do you have something to confess ?». Suddenly, the third one runs to the holy water, and washes her mouth.
The priest, in shoked, asks :  «Sister don't tell me that you...»
The third sister answers : Well I have to wash my mouth before the other washes her ass !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/994zz4/three_nuns/
%
Journalism's "Five W's" Revised

1. Who?
2. What?
3. Who Tweeted about it?
4. What did they Tweet?
5. What other unrelated BS is happening?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/994z2z/journalisms_five_ws_revised/
%
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason...

The details are sketchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/994w3a/a_courtroom_artist_was_arrested_today_for_an/
%
My favourite word in the dictionary is “toned”

Great definition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/994q1n/my_favourite_word_in_the_dictionary_is_toned/
%
Two farmers are walking through a field...

Two farmers are walking through a field and come across a huge sinkhole in the ground.
“Wow!” says the first farmer, “I wonder how far down this thing goes.”
He takes a penny from his pocket and throws it into the sinkhole. The two farmers listen, but they never hear it hit the bottom.
The second farmer picks up a large rock off the ground and throws it into the sinkhole
Again, both farmers listen, but they never hear the rock hit the bottom.
The second farmer spies an anvil a few feet away, and together the two farmers struggle to haul the anvil over to the sinkhole. They throw it in, and listen, but it never seems to hit the bottom.
The farmers turn to leave, when all of a sudden, a goat comes speeding towards them at 30 miles an hour, and jumps straight into the sinkhole.
As they are leaving, a third farmer runs towards them, waving his hands.
“Have either of you seen a goat?” he asks frantically.
“Yes,” says the first farmer, “In fact, a goat just came galloping through the field and jumped right into that sinkhole there.”
“Impossible!” says the third farmer, “I had him tied to an anvil!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/994pn8/two_farmers_are_walking_through_a_field/
%
Donald Trump approaches the wall prototypes.

Donald Trump is approaching the wall prototypes when suddenly a secret service agent yells "Mickey Mouse!".
A man appears to have jumped across the boarder holding something suspicious.
The secret service agents tackle him and the situation is secure.
Someone then asks what the Mickey Mouse shouting was about.
The agent goes "I was startled, I meant to say Donald Duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/994obx/donald_trump_approaches_the_wall_prototypes/
%
3 female friends sit down for coffee...

One of them starts talking about her recent sex-scapades with her husband:
"Well girls, last night when Andy came back from work he looked really tired, so I told him to go have a cold shower and I'd take care of him. When he goes to the bathroom, I wore my sexiest lingerie and laid down on the bed waiting for him. He comes out with his towel wrapped around him, dripping water. He's a bit surprised to see me like that... (he's so naive) and I walk up to him seductively. I rip the towel away, grab his balls and say "Andy, your balls are so cold, let me warm them up for you". And girls, we had sex ALL night. On the bed, in the shower, by the fireplace, on the table, in the attic... just everywhere".
"Oh my god" says the second friend, "that sounds so awesome, I'm definitely gonna try that"
"Oh you definitely should!"
Next week they meet up again for coffee and the second friend is all giddy and excited:
"Oh my god Lily, you were so right! I did the same thing. I sent Bobby for a cold shower and wore a sexy nurse outfit I ordered just for the occasion. He was speechless when he came out. I ripped the towel away, just like you said, grabbed his balls, looked him in the eyes and told him "Bobby, your balls are so cold, but this nurse is gonna warm them up for you". We had sex ALL night. Oh my god it was the most amazing sex I've ever had!"
"Well now, I should definitely try it as well!" says the third friend.
"Oh you definitely should!" say the other two friends enthusiastically.
Next week they meet up again for coffee, but the third friend is late. The other 2 girls are a bit worried, and just as they are about to call her, she enters the door. She's a total mess. She has casts on her right leg and right arm, she has bandages all over her left arm and head, she's full of bruises and clearly every step is pain.
She sits down with them.
"Oh my god Becca, what the hell happened to you?"
"Well I'll tell you, you stupid bitches and your stupid ideas. I tried doing the same thing with Mark. He comes out of the shower and when I grab his balls I said "That's not how it's supposed to go Mark, your balls are warm. Andy's and Bobby's balls were cold". At which point he beat the living crap out of me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/994l6e/3_female_friends_sit_down_for_coffee/
%
I like to poop in the dark....

Scare the shit out of myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/994ivw/i_like_to_poop_in_the_dark/
%
Why are lesbian carpenters the most successful?

No Studs, everything is tongue & groove, and all projects are done lickety-split!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/994f4x/why_are_lesbian_carpenters_the_most_successful/
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Wedding night revelations

A very religious couple, who have saved themselves until marriage, rush to their hotel room after the wedding ceremonies.
Before they go in, the bride, embarassed, says:
*-My darling, I have a confession to make... I've been wearing padded bras this whole time, my boobs are so very small...*
To which the husband responds, lovingly:
*-It's ok my darling, I love you whole,  big tits or not! That said, I feel i have to say, I've got a baby-sized dick...*
*-That's all fine my love, i'll love you no matter what!*
They proceed into the room, the groom starts to undress the bride and she is flat as an ironing board, he kisses her tiny boobs passionately, she reaches for his belt and starts undoing it, pulls his pants down, takes a look and promptly faints.
The now husband splashes some water on her face until she gets back to her senses... she mumbles:
*-But, my love, you said you had a baby-sized penis!*
*-Well sure my dear, 18 inches long and 8 pounds!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/994avu/wedding_night_revelations/
%
My coworker asked me if I wanted to crack open a cold one after work.

And that’s how I learned he was a necrophiliac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9945dz/my_coworker_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_crack_open_a/
%
Man is arrested for calling a police "pig"

He is released next morning
- Tell me officer, the man begs, is it never allowed to call police "pig"?
- Well yes, you can call us police, cops, even the blues, but never call us pigs again.
- Ok, ok. I can do that.
- Have a nice day sir
- Yet I wonder, the man continues, what if I call a pig "police", would that be ok?
- Well, that's a bit weird for sure... but I guess it's nothing we could put you in jail for or anything.
- I see, I see... goodbye, police

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9942qi/man_is_arrested_for_calling_a_police_pig/
%
A nurse pulls a rectal thermometer out of her shirt pocket and says ...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99422b/a_nurse_pulls_a_rectal_thermometer_out_of_her/
%
Railway Rescue

The other day I rescued a woman who was tied to a railway track. After I untied her we made love. We tried everything except oral because I couldn't find her head.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9940ai/railway_rescue/
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My friend died because he was allergic to plantains...

He went into bananaphalactic shock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/993zis/my_friend_died_because_he_was_allergic_to/
%
What comes after dirty dancing?

Roomba

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/993wwa/what_comes_after_dirty_dancing/
%
My Friends were making fun of me.

My Friends were making fun of me because they found out that my girlfriend was imaginary.
Well jokes on them, they’re imaginary too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/993wvg/my_friends_were_making_fun_of_me/
%
Elderly Romantic Text Message.

The wife, a retired
college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee.  While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.  If you are laughing, send me your smile.  If you are eating, send me a bite.  If you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband responded:  "I'm takin' a shit.   Please advise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/993uvl/elderly_romantic_text_message/
%
When I was a lad, my father told me I should never go to a whore house.

He said that I might see something there that I shouldn't see.
When I turned 18, my curiosity got the better of me, and I went to a whore house.  And I did see something I shouldn't see:  I saw my dad there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/993sdw/when_i_was_a_lad_my_father_told_me_i_should_never/
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How many reposters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

This is the first lightbulb, what do you mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/993p7x/how_many_reposters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is...

Sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/993lpl/the_only_thing_flatearthers_have_to_fear_is/
%
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/993hgp/a_wife_decides_to_take_her_husband_dave_to_a/
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Orphans..

Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because...they don't know where home is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/993e51/orphans/
%
Next time your wife is angry....

Put a cape on her and and say, "Now you are, super angry!!!"
Disclaimer: results may vary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/993dso/next_time_your_wife_is_angry/
%
A guy is driving

around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: **Talking Dog For Sale.** He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/993drw/a_guy_is_driving/
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How can you tell if a mechanic has gotten laid?

He has one clean finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/993cxa/how_can_you_tell_if_a_mechanic_has_gotten_laid/
%
My wife is finding it really difficult to live with my OCD

Every time she gets turned on, I have to turn her off again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/993bds/my_wife_is_finding_it_really_difficult_to_live/
%
How did the stoner feel when he jumped into a vat of marijuana infused vodka?

He was in high spirits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/99375n/how_did_the_stoner_feel_when_he_jumped_into_a_vat/
%
A Mexican guy, a black guy, and a Jewish guy are arguing in a bar...

about their sexual prowess. Eventually, they decide the only way to settle the argument is with a bet - whoever can make their wife scream the longest wins.
The next day they come back to the bar, and the Mexican guy says, "Lo siento, amigos - but I won this bet. I went home and fucked my wife so fast and dirty she screamed for 90 minutes."
The black guy laughs and says, "That's it? I went home and gave my baby mama the jungle lovin' long stroke and she scream for three hours."
Now it was the Jewish guy's turn. He shrugged and grinned. "I went home and fucked my wife for eight, maybe ten minutes. Then I pulled out and shot my load all over the curtains. She was still screaming when I left to come back to the bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9935sz/a_mexican_guy_a_black_guy_and_a_jewish_guy_are/
%
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench.

All of a sudden, a man jumps out of the nearby bushes and flashes them.
One old lady had a stroke, the other couldn’t reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9930ni/two_old_ladies_were_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
Why did the melon have to ask permission before getting married?

Because he cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992zpk/why_did_the_melon_have_to_ask_permission_before/
%
Yesterday, I went to a Louis Vuitton showroom with my wife

I was shocked to find that my salary was printed on a shoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992zno/yesterday_i_went_to_a_louis_vuitton_showroom_with/
%
My absent minded friend

A friend of mine was asked by his wife to tidy up the bathroom. She headed out on her Saturday afternoon shopping trip while he set to work.
One of his tasks was to lacquer the toilet seat.
He finished this and the other work and went out to watch the football in the pub.
When he came back home he found his furious wife stuck to the toilet seat. (He had forgotten to leave a note out for her).
His only option was to remove the toilet seat from the toilet, still stuck to the wife's behind, cover her with a dressing gown and bring her to the Emergency Room.
The doctor came in to the cubicle where he was waiting with his wife.
"Hey doctor, what do you think of this?" he said, removing the dressing gown.
"That's very nice" said the doctor "But did you have to frame it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992z4j/my_absent_minded_friend/
%
I just witnessed record breaking sprinter collapse out of breath...

He was inspiring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992xyi/i_just_witnessed_record_breaking_sprinter/
%
I just found out that "Niamh" is pronounced "Neve"

I can't beliamh it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992viv/i_just_found_out_that_niamh_is_pronounced_neve/
%
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992v0i/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
Swiss Army Knifes

A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army knife!
Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
"Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992uux/swiss_army_knifes/
%
Why did the dolphin cross the road?

No porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992tmj/why_did_the_dolphin_cross_the_road/
%
Reddit servers went down today, so I went downstairs and spoke with my family.

They seem like nice people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992srn/reddit_servers_went_down_today_so_i_went/
%
Finally told a girl how I felt about her today!

That fat fucking bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992p94/finally_told_a_girl_how_i_felt_about_her_today/
%
How many of you forgave your enemies?

During Sunday mass, the priest asked the crowd:
-"How many of you forgave your enemies?"
Around 80% of them raised their hands. The priest then asked: "And how many of you intend to forgive your enemies?", and almost everyone's hand was now in the air. Everyone except a feeble, old lady in the front row.
-"Ms. Rogers, don't you intend on forgiving your enemies?"
-"I don't have any!", she replied through a chuckle.
-"Ms. Rogers, that's very unusual, how old are you?"
-"98", she proclaimed.
-"Oh, ms. Rogers, why don't you come up and share the secret with everyone? How does someone live to be 98 and no enemies?"
She walked up and gave everyone a polite smile before answering:
-"I outlived the bitches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992keu/how_many_of_you_forgave_your_enemies/
%
What did God say after creating the first digestive system?

Shit just got real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992k9j/what_did_god_say_after_creating_the_first/
%
I had to stop lifting balloons as a form of exercise.

It wasn't really working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992fvr/i_had_to_stop_lifting_balloons_as_a_form_of/
%
What kind of underwear do monkeys use

Chimpantsies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992fmg/what_kind_of_underwear_do_monkeys_use/
%
What happens when you say hi to a feminist?

#THAT'S NOT FUNNY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992fgu/what_happens_when_you_say_hi_to_a_feminist/
%
A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992f1u/a_man_is_in_a_hotel_lobby/
%
What did the corn farmer say after he had a particularly good harvest?

There’s polenta more where that came from!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992dgx/what_did_the_corn_farmer_say_after_he_had_a/
%
How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn't matter because they won't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/992797/how_many_vegans_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
What's the difference between "ooohhh" and "aaawww...."?

About two inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/991xau/whats_the_difference_between_ooohhh_and_aaawww/
%
A man is crossing a busy road

when he's hit by a red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry, red Lorry, yellow  lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry and finally another red lorry.
Later that day a younge police officer knocks on the door of the man's wife to inform her of the news
Wife - "officer what is it?"
Officer - "your husband was in a terrible accident"
Wife - "oh no what happened"
Officer "ma'am there's no easy way to say this"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/991wdy/a_man_is_crossing_a_busy_road/
%
I stammered over the story of how I got fired from the Pizzeria.

I really messed up the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/991vfx/i_stammered_over_the_story_of_how_i_got_fired/
%
A fisherman is selling fishing supplies at a market

An insecure rich man comes up to him and asks, “what’s your net worth?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/991ql7/a_fisherman_is_selling_fishing_supplies_at_a/
%
Whats Donald Trumps least favourite game?

Consequence free hangman.
He doesn't like the fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/991jhy/whats_donald_trumps_least_favourite_game/
%
The next time your wife gets angry...

put a cape (or bath towel) over her shoulders then tell her: "Now, you're Super Angry!"
Maybe she'll laugh...or maybe you'll die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/991ipm/the_next_time_your_wife_gets_angry/
%
An Italian funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/991if0/an_italian_funeral/
%
You guys know why a guitarist went to jail?

Cuz he fingered a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/991hyb/you_guys_know_why_a_guitarist_went_to_jail/
%
Today at the bank...

... an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/991hqg/today_at_the_bank/
%
How do you stop a Mexican Tank?

Shoot the guy pushing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/991h1n/how_do_you_stop_a_mexican_tank/
%
A bike in town keeps running me over...

It’s a vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/991fv6/a_bike_in_town_keeps_running_me_over/
%
Three Catholic men go to their local priest...

They ask the priest, "Father, how can we earn our place in Heaven?"
The priest responds, "Each of you, go commit a sin tonight; tomorrow, return here, confess your sin to me, and I will give you some holy water to drink. Do this and you will be saved."
Pleased with this answer, the three men go off and return the next day.
The priest approaches the first one. "Son, what sin have you committed?"
"Father, I stole some money from the donation jar at work."
"Very well, go drink from the holy water, and you will be saved."
So the first man goes off and drinks from the holy water. The priest asks the second man, "son, what sin have you committed?"
"Father, I cheated on my wife last night."
"Very well, go drink from the holy water, and you will be saved."
So the second man goes and drinks from the holy water. Finally, the priest askes the third man, "son, what sin have you committed?"
"I peed in the holy water!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/991av7/three_catholic_men_go_to_their_local_priest/
%
[long] An Italian, an Englishman, and an American shipwreck on an island..

They wander for a bit until they find a tribe of ritualistic cannibals, who conveniently speak English. These cannibals explain that they are to kill them, eat them, and turn their skin into canoes. However, they're not TOTAL savages, so they will allow the 3 shipwrecked to choose their cause of death.
The Italian asks for a knife, and the cannibals oblige. "Viva l'Italia!" he screams, as he slits his own throat and falls to the ground, dead.
The Englishman takes the knife from the dead Italian's hand, yells "God save the Queen!" and slits his own throat, falling to the ground, dead.
The American asks for a fork. The cannibals, albeit confused, oblige as that was their promise. The American then proceeds to stab himself all over top and bottom screaming at the top of his lungs "FUCK YOUR CANOES!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9918gu/long_an_italian_an_englishman_and_an_american/
%
What does Match.com and the FBI's Top Ten list have in common?

I'm not wanted on either. :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9918cq/what_does_matchcom_and_the_fbis_top_ten_list_have/
%
What do you call a dog with a really low bark?

A sub-woofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9912rj/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_a_really_low_bark/
%
A man is talking to the family doctor

"Doc, I think my wife is going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you�ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/990yyz/a_man_is_talking_to_the_family_doctor/
%
How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know; they're still counting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/990wcz/how_many_floridians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How many introverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Why does everything have to be a group activity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/990t80/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A boy comes home from school with a homework assignment

He asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up and then replies, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The boy, puzzled, decides to ask his mother. "If someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with George Clooney?" "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies. He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Oh my god! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million dollars, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/990s0h/a_boy_comes_home_from_school_with_a_homework/
%
You know what the most infuriating thing about narcissists is?

They never think about how their actions affect *me*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/990rqn/you_know_what_the_most_infuriating_thing_about/
%
I've just killed my best friend

I didn't mean to.
All I did was give him a spoonful of sugar after his insulin.
That Mary Poppins is full of fucking shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/990qxe/ive_just_killed_my_best_friend/
%
A proctologist ate at a fine restaurant.

When the check came, he pulled out a rectal thermometer and, annoyed, said "Dammit, some dirty bum's got my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/990ov7/a_proctologist_ate_at_a_fine_restaurant/
%
I’m an annoying on the outside, but I’m like an onion.

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/990orf/im_an_annoying_on_the_outside_but_im_like_an_onion/
%
What do planets say in winter?

We're freezing our axis of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/990g0c/what_do_planets_say_in_winter/
%
Did know that king Leopold II never visited Belgian Congo?

It was a hands off operation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/990fdm/did_know_that_king_leopold_ii_never_visited/
%
'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.
'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants!  A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pharaoh, and when he refused, the stranger turned the river into blood! Without water to drink, we have been in chaos!"
'Bastet considered this and decided that rivers turning to blood were a pretty decent excuse, all things considered, and forgave her priests their lateness.
'The next day, Bastet returned to her temple expecting everything to be back to normal.  But once again, the sacrifice was not prepared.  Suddenly the doors burst open and her priests poured in, looking disheveled and pathetic.
'"Oh, great Bastet!  Please, show mercy on us, your humble servants!  The stranger from yesterday is still here, and the Pharaoh is still refusing him.  This time, when he called upon his god, a plague of frogs descended upon us!  They are everywhere!  You cannot take two steps without crushing one beneath your feet!  They eat everything and are constantly in the way!  It took us twice as long to prepare your sacrifice!"
'Bastet was, understandably, annoyed but when she looked out of her temple she found that, yes, indeed, the streets were covered in frogs, so she forgave their tardiness, consumed her sacrifice, and went about her day, expecting that, now that this nonsense was done, things could get back to normal.
'But they did not.  The next day, her priests were late because they were covered in lice, and the day after that they complained of attacks by wild animals.  Each day they had some new source of suffering, whether it was boils or diseased livestock, or terrible weather.
'Finally, one day Bastet came to find her temple deserted.  She waited and waited and waited, for hours.  Finally, one of her priests entered, wailing in despair and crawling on the ground.
'"What now?" Bastet asked.
'"Our children!  Great Bastet!  Every firstborn child has died!  No home has been left untouched, all of your servants have lost someone in their lives."
'Now, tell me my child, what have you learned from this tale?'
The young kitten pondered for a little while before replying.
'If you let your human serve you late one time, they'll never feed you again?'
'Exactly!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/990exp/one_day_in_ancient_egypt_bastet_went_to_her/
%
What do you give a country that hasn't rang it's bell for war in 100 years?

A no bell peace prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/990e0i/what_do_you_give_a_country_that_hasnt_rang_its/
%
I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week.

But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/990dea/i_was_seeing_this_hot_chick_about_twice_a_week/
%
What do an artist and a runner have in common?

They both have masterPACEs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/990ag5/what_do_an_artist_and_a_runner_have_in_common/
%
This guy said he was going to compose an atheist theme song ....

I suggested, "Don't START believing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9906m1/this_guy_said_he_was_going_to_compose_an_atheist/
%
Moishe the actor

Moishe, a Jewish actor, is so down and out, he's ready to take any acting gig that
he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, "Actor Needed To Play
An Ape." "I could do that," says Moishe.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New York.
An ape has just died, and owing to the recent budget cuts and the recession, they
can no longer afford to import an ape to replace the deceased one, so, until they
can get the money, they'll put an actor in an ape suit instead.
Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer. At first, his conscience keeps nagging
him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. Moishe also feels
undignified in the ape suit, stared at by the crowds who watch his every move.
But after a few days on the job, he begins to enjoy all the attention and starts to
put on a decent show for all the zoo-goers. Moishe hangs upside down from the
branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls and
roaring with all his might while beating on his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable
crowd.
One day, while Moishe is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school
kids, his hands slip and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage,
the lion's den. Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he
can, covers his eyes and prays at the top of his lungs, "Sh'ma Yisroel, Adonoi
Elaheinu, Adonoi Echud!"
The lion opens his powerful jaws and roars; "Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuso, L'olam
Va'ed! "
From a nearby cage, a panda yells, "Shut up you schmucks, you'll get us all fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9902jm/moishe_the_actor/
%
Three friends are chatting at lunch

One asks the others, “do you think twins have the same sized dicks?”
“Now you’re asking the real questions”, replies one friend.
The third friend replies, “as a twin, I can definitely say my dick is bigger than my sisters.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9902b0/three_friends_are_chatting_at_lunch/
%
How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?

I'm better than you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98zxnd/how_many_vegans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips

So now I only let her do it when it’s my turn to drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98zx34/it_makes_my_heart_race_when_my_gf_puts_her_head/
%
A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska, and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska,
you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan
whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."
The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky from
the counter and painfully chugging it down. He then says that he'll be right
back and ambles out the door.
A few hours later he stumbles back into the bar all mangled and bloody and
says, "I did it! Now where's that Eskimo woman I'm supposed to shoot?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98zwmp/a_texan_is_getting_drunk_in_a_bar_in_alaska_and/
%
When I first became an Ancap.....

>When I first became an Ancap, I was just an unemployed high schooler who had never worked a labor job in his entire life. I had that whole "welfare recipients are parasites, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, forcing people to subsidize your shitty life choices is morally wrong, nobody is entitled to anything they don't own" mentality, but then my parents made me get a job.
>For the most part, I still kept my same views. My job was still pretty much Voluntary, I could quit and it would only disappoint my parents. But come this year, when I graduated high school, it began to sink in that I'm going to have to keep doing this, or God willing some other job, for the majority of my life if I want to have access to basic necessities, like food, water, shelter, etc.
>I work at a grocery store, and it's usually a comfy job. Comfy enough that I was able to sincerely hold on to my Ancap beliefs, until today. Today, a line was crossed that made me see the error of my ways.
>They were doing inventory, and they needed us, or more specifically, me alone to push all the items in every shelf in the entire store all the way back, and then dust the shelf off.
>At first it didn't seem all that bad, but then I realized I was the only one doing it, and I would have to spend the rest of my shift on this. After only about five minutes, I felt like I was going crazy.
>Push, spray, dust, move down, push, spray dust, move down, push spray, dust, move down, push, spray dust, move slightly to the left, and repeat.
I had to do that at least 30 times to only get one side of one aisle done. Took me at least half an hour to do that, and there were still 20 more aisles left in the store. The repetitive motion, the maddeningly slow progress, and being alone for the entire 8 hour shift (including an hour of overtime) was exhausting in every way imaginable.
>By the time I was done, I was infuriated, not just with the fact that I had to do this, but because of how little I got out of it. $9.30 / hour of that insanity? What kind of heartless monster would tell someone in severe poverty doing this kind of work, to just "pull himself up by his bootstraps"? A sociopath, that's who.
>I finally understood what socialists have been talking about all this time.
"If only I were in a socialist country," I thought, "the shelves would be completely empty and I could have finished this in like, an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98zrvd/when_i_first_became_an_ancap/
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Some people have platonic relationships. Me and my wife have a Socratic one

We argue all the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98zpx5/some_people_have_platonic_relationships_me_and_my/
%
What do you call a fruit with a skeleton?

Spineapple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98zppq/what_do_you_call_a_fruit_with_a_skeleton/
%
My carbon monoxide detector won’t stop beeping.

It’s giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98zplp/my_carbon_monoxide_detector_wont_stop_beeping/
%
What is the worst thing about sex?

Getting caught by the mortician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98zp23/what_is_the_worst_thing_about_sex/
%
What goes down longer than a dirty street hooker?

Reddit's servers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98zga0/what_goes_down_longer_than_a_dirty_street_hooker/
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Skinny dipping involves a swimming pool.

Fat dipping involves a ranch cup and chicken nuggets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98zdtr/skinny_dipping_involves_a_swimming_pool/
%
How is IGN like cancer?

There’s a lot of talk about copying dead cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98zdbw/how_is_ign_like_cancer/
%
Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus...

...who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis,
NOW hand me dat shovel.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98zccc/mick_and_paddy_had_promised_their_uncle_seamus/
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A man calls his secretary...

A man calls his secretary, but the call goes to his boss instead. The man says “Hey! Get ur lazy ass up and bring me a damn coffee!” The boss, a firm believer in respect in the workplace, is outraged! She says “Listen here, sir! I am the manager of this company! Furthermore, I own this entire building! I could fire u without a second thought!” The man then quickly answers “Oh yeah?! Well listen here bitch, do you know who ur talking to?!” The boss, clearly taken aback stutters “n-no sir.” To which the man replies “OH THANK GOD!” And slams down the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98zbz1/a_man_calls_his_secretary/
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So my Friend Told me That Life is Too Short.

Apparently responding with 'So Life is an angry midget' was uncalled for.
I got kicked in the shins.
By a midget.
Life sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98z9xu/so_my_friend_told_me_that_life_is_too_short/
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What’s the difference between my girlfriend and reddit.

I’m actually surprised when my girlfriend goes down on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98z6ee/whats_the_difference_between_my_girlfriend_and/
%
A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

Man: Doctor my butt really hurts, I need help
Doctor: Can I take a look?
Man: Sure
Doctor: It seems you have a piece of lettuce stuck inside your butt
Man: That's just the tip of the iceberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98z4cj/a_man_goes_into_the_doctors_with_butt_pain/
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Rene Descartes goes to a restaurant and orders a cheeseburger.

The waiter says, "Would you like fries with that, sir?"
Rene Descartes replies, "I think not," and ceases to exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98z3xc/rene_descartes_goes_to_a_restaurant_and_orders_a/
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Someone once told me it's okay to change your mind in light of new facts.

I used to think that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98z205/someone_once_told_me_its_okay_to_change_your_mind/
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If you want a job in the moisturizer industry

The best advice I can give is to apply daily

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98yp6i/if_you_want_a_job_in_the_moisturizer_industry/
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A man goes to a doctor

"D d doctor I ha have this terrible s s stuttering. C can you h h help me?"
The doctor immediately has an idea of what might cause the stuttering and asks the man to take off his pants and underwear.
The man does as the doctor told him to and reveals his huge penis which reaches almost to his knee.
The doctor says: "well it appears that your brain does not get enough blood due to your large penis which causes the stuttering. We can shorten it by surgery and end your stuttering."
The man agrees to the surgery. The surgery goes well and the stuttering stops but after a few weeks the man goes back to the doctor.
" doctor it's great that I don't have this stuttering anymore but my wife is so unsatisfied now so I guess I have to ask you to put it back on."
Doctor: "th th that might b b be a p problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ybww/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor/
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What’s the toughest thing for an artist to draw?

A salary.
(Credit to u/arguablytrue)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ybl8/whats_the_toughest_thing_for_an_artist_to_draw/
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A tech company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

A company spokesperson declared this is a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their boobs without listening to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98yapl/a_tech_company_is_developing_computer_chips_that/
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*Knock knock* "Who's there?"

"Doorbell repairman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98yaid/knock_knock_whos_there/
%
What did one boob say to the other boob?

You're my breast friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98y9rr/what_did_one_boob_say_to_the_other_boob/
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A Boss Offered His Secretary $1000 For Sex

A boss said to his secretary I Want to have
sex with you and I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1000 on the ﬂoor, by the time
you bend down to pick it, I’ll be done.
She thought for a moment then called
her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it
but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the
money Very fast. So he Wouldn’t even
have enough time to undress himself.”
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by,
the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend,
he asks, What happened?
She responds, “The Bastard used coins!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98y8fd/a_boss_offered_his_secretary_1000_for_sex/
%
What do toys and boobs have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98y7gw/what_do_toys_and_boobs_have_in_common/
%
A guy walks into a bar in a small Scottish town...

He sees an old dude sitting by himself, grumbling over a glass of whiskey. There's no other free chairs, so he sits down across from the old man.
"What's got you so down, buddy?" the man asks the grumpy old Scotsman.
"You see that wall along the road coming into town? I built that wall with me own two hands, stone by stone! Nearly a mile long it is. And do you think they call me MacGregor the Wall-builder? No!"
"Okay," the younger man says.
The older man continues. "And did ya see the pier on the lake yonder? Fifty feet long it is, over waters 30 feet deep! I built that pier with me own two hands, board by board, nail by nail. Took six months. Nearly drowned, twice! Do they call me MacGregor the Dock-builder? No!"
"Alright," the young man says.
"And the church off town square yonder! I raised that from the cornerstone on up to the steeple, with me own two hands, brick by brick, beam by beam! Took a whole damn year! Damn near fell to me death doin' it! Do they call me MacGregor the Church-builder round here? No!"
"Indeed," the young man says.
"But ya fuck one goddamn sheep!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98y54d/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_in_a_small_scottish_town/
%
In a crowded city, at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman, waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xyw6/in_a_crowded_city_at_a_busy_bus_stop_a_beautiful/
%
How does a robot have sex?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xy8i/how_does_a_robot_have_sex/
%
Walked into a dry cleaners the other day and I was amazed.

The chap behind the counter had fluorescent blue gel like hands. To my further amazement, he was using them as detergent on the clothes.
I said, “excuse me sir, may I ask you to hold my bag whilst I take a photo of your appendages?! I feel like the internet would be amazed at this”
He said “I can’t sorry, my hands are tide”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xxwb/walked_into_a_dry_cleaners_the_other_day_and_i/
%
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59pm

Clock struck 12 and I was thinking same shit different day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xxjg/i_was_sitting_on_the_toilet_at_1159pm/
%
What does an Irishman say when you give him two heavily armoured vehicles for Christmas?

Tanks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xwfl/what_does_an_irishman_say_when_you_give_him_two/
%
How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xtge/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_open_a_beer/
%
Imagine what the first person who inhaled helium thought...

They must have spoke very highly about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xt12/imagine_what_the_first_person_who_inhaled_helium/
%
A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xq8q/a_women_goes_to_the_doctor_all_black_and_blue/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. “This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.” The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. “This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.” An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “What do you think of this?” The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “WHAT IN TARNATION IS THIS PISS?” To which the old drunk replies, “That’s right, now guess how old I am.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xpb2/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_12yearold/
%
What could one say about a good soda bottle joke?

It's uncanny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xoug/what_could_one_say_about_a_good_soda_bottle_joke/
%
Photon checks into a hotel

Receptionist: do you need help with the luggage?
Photon: no thanks, I'm traveling light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xmr4/photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
%
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" said the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xlei/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
%
I like to play chess with old bald men in the park

But it’s kind of hard to find 32 of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xkvc/i_like_to_play_chess_with_old_bald_men_in_the_park/
%
There’s no I in team

But there are 5 in ‘individual brilliance’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xj7t/theres_no_i_in_team/
%
I’m a roofer and earlier today my coworker asked me how I’m gonna get down from the roof of the house. I said I could jump or I could climb down.

I chose the latter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xfv2/im_a_roofer_and_earlier_today_my_coworker_asked/
%
My wife wants a baby, she asked how motile my sperm is.

I replied "I'm not sure, but I've seen it leap over a laptop"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xe8h/my_wife_wants_a_baby_she_asked_how_motile_my/
%
Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 20% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xd3t/why_do_jewish_men_get_circumcised/
%
My friend was bummed today because his blind dog has cancer and he is going to have to put her down tomorrow.

I wanted to cheer him up, so I said “well, at least she won’t see it coming.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xc7r/my_friend_was_bummed_today_because_his_blind_dog/
%
My wife got mad at me for buying $10,000 worth of toilet paper.

She said i was flushing all of our money down the drain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98xal4/my_wife_got_mad_at_me_for_buying_10000_worth_of/
%
What starts with F, ends in UCK, and usually means a lot of noises and excitement?

A firetruck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98x707/what_starts_with_f_ends_in_uck_and_usually_means/
%
Which pastry is the most religious?

The donut.
Its holiness cannot be denied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98x4vn/which_pastry_is_the_most_religious/
%
I wish I could be ugly for one day

Being ugly everyday sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98wtq6/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_one_day/
%
I was diagnosed with insomnia and it’s made me quite sad.

But on the upside, only three more sleeps until Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98wtpd/i_was_diagnosed_with_insomnia_and_its_made_me/
%
A job as a gay male pornstar

Is a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98wt91/a_job_as_a_gay_male_pornstar/
%
How many moths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, a male and a female

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98wpo4/how_many_moths_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
In a small convent

There was the priests side and the sisters side, and there was only one large bathroom, with several showers.
In order to not disturb the sisters, the priests went all together to take their showers around midnight. On one of those nights, at the bathroom and already naked, one of the priests exclaims: "Heavens - we are running out of soaps. See, there's two missing."
"Worry not my brothers" - said one of the other priests - "I will get the rest for us in our accommodations. It is quite late so the sisters are sleeping right now." And saying so, completely butt naked, off the priest went to fetch a pair of soaps bars.
Coming back, passing through a big hallway full of priest statues, he suddenly hears three sisters coming from a night walk and chit-chatting down the hallway. The priest is now desperate.
"Lord! What do I do?! What do I do?!" - he desperately thought. The sisters were getting close. There was no time to run back.
Then he had an idea. Pretending he was a statue, he quickly struck a pose and froze there, near the other real statues, holding one soap bar in each hand.
"They will never notice me!" - he thought.
When the sisters passed by him, one of the sisters stopped walking.
"Sisters" - she said - "have you ever noticed this statue before?"
"It is so realistic!" - said the second one.
"And... Wow, is that..." - said the other, poking at the priest's private parts.
When she did that, as a reflex, the priest's could not help but to let go one of the soaps right on the sister's hand.
"It's a miracle!... The statue gives soap bars!" - she naively exclaimed.
"I want one too!" - said the other, this time holding the father's dick briefly.
The father, now sweating bullets, lets go of the second soap bar as a reflex.
"Oh my!.. It really IS a miracle statue!.." - said the sister, looking cheerfully at the others and holding the soap bar.
Then the third sister quickly went to get her soap bar, again holding the father's private parts.
"Oh.. Why is not giving any?..." - and then she holds it stronger and starts to shake it - "...it's not... Working... Hmpf! C'mon!.. PRAISE THE LORD!..." - she shouts holding her hands in the air - "...liquid soap!!.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98wnsv/in_a_small_convent/
%
When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.

So the doctor she asked, "What's wrong?"
"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"
"Uh," stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98wltk/when_the_surgeon_came_to_see_his_young_female/
%
Why does little Jimmy hate church?

The Priest is a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98wl4l/why_does_little_jimmy_hate_church/
%
Guy walks in to a bar

Bartender: What can I get you?
Guy: I’ll have 12 shots of Jack lined up here on the bar.
Bartender: Wow! You celebrating something? Pissed off? Trying to forget?
Guy: Well I just had my first blowjob.
Bartender: Well that’s good, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna give you a 13th one on the house.
Guy: Nah that won’t be necessary, if 12 doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth then I’m screwed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98wc9p/guy_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
Welcome to the plastic surgery addiction group.

I see a lot of new faces here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98wbs6/welcome_to_the_plastic_surgery_addiction_group/
%
My gay friend was bragging about how much sex he's been having lately.

What a cocky asshole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98wagp/my_gay_friend_was_bragging_about_how_much_sex_hes/
%
I accidentally laundered my headphones today

Now they smell nice and I'm getting some really clean sound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98w47c/i_accidentally_laundered_my_headphones_today/
%
How many Hispanics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98w2tp/how_many_hispanics_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why was C afraid of every other letter in the alphabet?

Because all the other letters were not-C’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98vtlg/why_was_c_afraid_of_every_other_letter_in_the/
%
I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism.

If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98vqzk/i_took_out_a_loan_to_pay_for_an_exorcism/
%
For my birthday, I got gifted a sticky deck of cards.

I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98vqfu/for_my_birthday_i_got_gifted_a_sticky_deck_of/
%
If someone doesn't like The Simpsons...

Does that make them homerphobic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98vpn1/if_someone_doesnt_like_the_simpsons/
%
Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98vohn/why_did_the_little_boy_think_that_his_father_had/
%
What's the definition of Mutual Trust?

Two cannibals giving each other blow jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98vk3u/whats_the_definition_of_mutual_trust/
%
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl yesterday

All I had to do was advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower just as strong as Ajax the super strong bathroom cleaner now available with scented lemon or vanilla.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98vfvs/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_21_year_old_girl/
%
How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes 10 visits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ve26/how_many_chiropractors_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A man gets run over by a car. As he is losing consciousness he’s sees the light.

It was a second car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98vafs/a_man_gets_run_over_by_a_car_as_he_is_losing/
%
How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98v9ih/how_many_super_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What's the difference between a joke and four dicks.

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98v9at/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_four_dicks/
%
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times.  Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98v5ww/my_girlfriend_and_i_are_trying_this_whole_long/
%
I got hit in the head this morning by a can of soda...

Don't worry, I'm okay -- it was a soft-drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98v45b/i_got_hit_in_the_head_this_morning_by_a_can_of/
%
Little Johnny and classmates are asked to bring an edible item to the classroom...

"So, Mary, what did you bring today?", the teacher asks.
"An apple. We love apples at home."
"Great, what about you, Annie?"
"I brought a PB & Jelly sandwich. It's so yummy!"
"Everybody loves those... and you, what did you bring today?"
Little Johnny opens his backpack and grabs a light bulb.
"Johnny, why did you bring a light bulb? That's not an edible item..." says the teacher.
"Well, not in your home. But yesterday night I heard my dad tell my mom 'turn the light off. Now you're going to swallow it.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98v1o6/little_johnny_and_classmates_are_asked_to_bring/
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TIL that koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.
Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.
Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from threats, and asserts dominance over other groups of koi.
And if the fish are attacked, the other three swim away, and the predator always goes for the D koi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98v0xb/til_that_koi_fish_are_incredibly_intelligent_and/
%
Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get some air-con"
"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"
"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"
"Yeah, I've got a mate Francis"
"Well, ask your mate Francis to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Dave asks Francis for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Francis fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.
Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Francis, who is now shagging Dave's wife.
Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"
Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Francis?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98v0rr/dave_cannot_make_his_wife_cum/
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Did you hear the joke about pyramid schemes?

Share this joke 10 times to find out how!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98uyu1/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_pyramid_schemes/
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To the guy that stole my diary, and then died,

My thoughts are with your family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98uyf3/to_the_guy_that_stole_my_diary_and_then_died/
%
Why is the game called "Fortnite"?

Because it's only fun for about two weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ux62/why_is_the_game_called_fortnite/
%
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens.

When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.
The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."
Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ukjo/a_farmer_buys_a_rooster_to_service_his_200_hens/
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A buddy of mine told me this was the place to post my dirty joke.

He said this is where the jokes *are* rated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ukbr/a_buddy_of_mine_told_me_this_was_the_place_to/
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What do sex and upvotes have in common?

I don't get either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98uj6z/what_do_sex_and_upvotes_have_in_common/
%
My mate David lost his ID

We call him dav now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98uir4/my_mate_david_lost_his_id/
%
What's the best thing to say when someone farts?

Your voice has changed, but your breath hasn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98uhh4/whats_the_best_thing_to_say_when_someone_farts/
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Racetrack and the students

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs to learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys, James, came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race, but I appreciate your help."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ufgj/racetrack_and_the_students/
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What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 17 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ufbt/whats_the_difference_between_911_and_a_cow/
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What does a cannibal do when he eats a vegetable?

He throws away the wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98u3ki/what_does_a_cannibal_do_when_he_eats_a_vegetable/
%
How do mountains see?

They peak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98u3f9/how_do_mountains_see/
%
A prostitute said she'll do anything for $30

Guess who completed my 2 months' homework

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98tzlg/a_prostitute_said_shell_do_anything_for_30/
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[Amsterdam] My friend David lost his id when we went out this weekend

Now he's just Dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98tzdf/amsterdam_my_friend_david_lost_his_id_when_we/
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Rooms at the IKEA's showroom are like porn videos.

You will never be able to do the same at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98tyl6/rooms_at_the_ikeas_showroom_are_like_porn_videos/
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I asked Satan to fix my shoe the other day.

But he took my sole in return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98tw98/i_asked_satan_to_fix_my_shoe_the_other_day/
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An old man drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98tvi7/an_old_man_drove_his_brand_new_mercedes_to_100_mph/
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I think it's inappropriate for men to make fun of the gender wage gap; to ignore and minimize it, or to make cheap jokes about it.

Also, you could easily find some women to make those same jokes for less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98tu7o/i_think_its_inappropriate_for_men_to_make_fun_of/
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What do parrots call their special forces?

Parrotroopers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98tu7e/what_do_parrots_call_their_special_forces/
%
A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church

The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98tsgn/a_higgs_boson_walks_into_a_catholic_church/
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2 jokes for 1 post

Please bare with me, the second one makes more sense with the context that the first joke exists.
Two Cannibals are eating a Clown.
One looks over at the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two Clowns are eating a Cannibal.
One looks over at the other and says "I think we ruined this joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98trjw/2_jokes_for_1_post/
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Little Johnny, No!

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.  His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.  "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach runs across the kitchen floor.  She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98tq2w/little_johnny_no/
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Jokes About Attempted Assassinations...

Generally go over people's heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98to90/jokes_about_attempted_assassinations/
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Tampons on sale

A woman goes into the drug store and notices a large stack of tampons in the corner with a sign above saying: "Special Offer, Five Boxes for $2.50"
She says to the assistant. “What's the catch"?
The assistant replies "It's a genuine offer, five boxes for $2.50, no strings attached.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98tiix/tampons_on_sale/
%
3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humans.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.
"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!"
"Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all," said the second. "The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses."
Yet a third had another idea. "We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see these them".
The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive.
This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos.
The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front were they were executed in the most horrific way.
They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and are horrifically executed, the rest enslaved.
They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time.
"What's that one doing," said the first alien. "He isn't shaking his fist like the others."
"It almost looks like he's waving," said the second Alien.
"Let me see," said the third Alien. "Wow! I don't believe it."
"What?" Asked the second Alien.
"It's Dave!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98tf4g/3_alien_leaders_are_discussing_the_fate_of_humans/
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Pedro competes in a milking contest

Pedro was the champion milker in all the towns. No one could milk as much as him. He had won all the annual milking competitions for miles around.
This year also people expect Pedro to win. Frankly, there is more debate about the second and third places.
After the contest everyone is dumbfounded! Pedro has milked only 2 liters!
Everyone keeps asking Pedro how is it possible?
Incandescent with rage, Pedro manages to say, "bloody bastards! They gave me a bull!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98t8pf/pedro_competes_in_a_milking_contest/
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When I was young, I always felt like a man trapped in a woman's body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98t7vg/when_i_was_young_i_always_felt_like_a_man_trapped/
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On which side should you milk a cow

The udder side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98t0i4/on_which_side_should_you_milk_a_cow/
%
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and orders

Five beers, please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98t00d/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_holds_up_two_fingers_and/
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What do you call someone who likes to tell Dad jokes, but doesn’t actually have children of his own?

A faux pa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98sz8h/what_do_you_call_someone_who_likes_to_tell_dad/
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High aunt

My family have a tradition of placing bets on how high they can hoist my mother's sister each Christmas at the family get together.  I keep telling them to stop as it will end in disaster but they just keep upping the ante each year...
Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98svhj/high_aunt/
%
What do iPhone users and Future Trunks have in common?

They both really hate Androids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98sub2/what_do_iphone_users_and_future_trunks_have_in/
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What’s the best operating system?

ThanOS. It maximizes its resources by periodically killing half of its processes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98srb5/whats_the_best_operating_system/
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Last week I went to the doctor’s office. Before I could get a word out, she says, “You have laryngitis.”

I said, “What does that mean?”
She said, “... Never mind.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98siu7/last_week_i_went_to_the_doctors_office_before_i/
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A relationship is like a fart

If you have to force it too much, it's probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98sfnp/a_relationship_is_like_a_fart/
%
Nsfw long what's wrong with your dick?

A guy goes into a public restroom and sees a man gently weeping in front of a urinal. He asks him what's wrong, and realises the man has no arms.
"Well... I recently lost my arms in an accident and I'm having a hard time coping with it. It's my first day out of the hospital and I can't figure out how to pee by myself. Would you PLEASE help me?" The man choked through his tears.
"Uhh.... yeah I can help you out." The guy says uncomfortably. He averts his eyes and quickly unzips his fly.
"Thank you, but, could you PLEASE get it out for me? I haven't gone to the bathroom all day, I'm freaking out here!"
Again, the guy is very uncomfortable, but agrees to help further. He quickly reaches into his pants and instantly feels something weird. He pulls the man's dick out and is horrified at what he sees. His dick is varying shades of red, green and purple. It's covered in throbbing, weeping sores. It's rank smell instantly fills the restroom. Trying not to show a reaction, he quickly goes to wash his hands. Before he leaves, he has to ask what's wrong with his dick.
"Hey man, I gotta ask, what's wrong with your dick?"
The man finishes peeing, takes his arms out of his shirt and says: "I have no idea, but I sure as hell wasn't gonna touch it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98sf2j/nsfw_long_whats_wrong_with_your_dick/
%
1s2a3f4e5t6y7

Safety in numbers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98sepj/1s2a3f4e5t6y7/
%
Call your wife beautiful thousands of times and she will not remember, but her an elephant once and she will remember forever. You know why?

Because an elephant never forgets...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98segr/call_your_wife_beautiful_thousands_of_times_and/
%
So, I was out walking at night

In front of me was a woman.
She looked behind her back, the started to run faster,
I got a little spooked so I started walking faster too.
she began to walk even faster.
I was really scared so I began walking even faster too.
suddenly she began to run.
I began running too.
She then began screaming, so did i.
I don't know what was behind us, but it was the scariest night of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98sdu6/so_i_was_out_walking_at_night/
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r/Jokes, do you know this man?

Rich was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Rich, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Rich and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Rich! What's up? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Rich's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Rich that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Rich says.
"Barrack Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Rich says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At his house, Obama spots Rich walking towards his door and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Rich, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Rich, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Rich. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Rich and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Rich says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Rich emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Rich returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Rich asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Rich?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98sbcr/rjokes_do_you_know_this_man/
%
I Used To Have A Job Drilling Holes For Water

It Was Well Boring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98s87w/i_used_to_have_a_job_drilling_holes_for_water/
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This joke won the funniest joke award at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98s7xv/this_joke_won_the_funniest_joke_award_at_the/
%
I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism.

If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98s6hv/i_took_out_a_loan_to_pay_for_an_exorcism/
%
What do you call a penis shaped boat made out of potatoes?

A dictatorship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98s5wv/what_do_you_call_a_penis_shaped_boat_made_out_of/
%
My friend Dave drowned.

At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98s5k3/my_friend_dave_drowned/
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Capitalization...

The difference between
“Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse”
And
“Helping your uncle jack off a horse”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98s4on/capitalization/
%
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98s2yf/a_yorkshiremans_dog_dies_and_as_it_was_a/
%
I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98s28s/i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_just_by_looking_at_it/
%
Whats the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne doesn't come on your face 'til you're 13

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ryy6/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_priest/
%
Will transparent coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98rvpk/will_transparent_coffins_be_a_success/
%
Working at the Job Center has to be a tense job..

Knowing that if you get fired you still have to come in the next day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98rttg/working_at_the_job_center_has_to_be_a_tense_job/
%
Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "They gave those away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98rrrg/wife_dreamed_that_she_was_attending_a_dick_auction/
%
Im writing this from the hospital. Don't worry the doctors say that im gonna be fine.

But i feel i should warn you that the "Dyson Ball Cleaner" has a very misleading name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98rnsp/im_writing_this_from_the_hospital_dont_worry_the/
%
My chemistry teacher was talking about Hydrogen Bonding today.

Sounds like a lot of FON.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98rmdq/my_chemistry_teacher_was_talking_about_hydrogen/
%
What do you call 2 Mexican firefighters?

Jose and Hose-B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98rlkb/what_do_you_call_2_mexican_firefighters/
%
Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe

I've seen a couple of these already, but these are the top 10 funniest jokes from Edinburgh Fringe 2018:
"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."  -  Adam Rowe
"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan
"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse
"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff
"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman
"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98rlet/daves_funniest_joke_of_the_fringe/
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Today, I found out that I have Chirpies.

It's a canarial disease. It's untweetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98rk28/today_i_found_out_that_i_have_chirpies/
%
my girlfriend refuses to remove her leg hair

man...I hate these anti-waxxers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98rjm5/my_girlfriend_refuses_to_remove_her_leg_hair/
%
Without the Americans we wouldn't have 9/11

We would have 11/9 instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ris6/without_the_americans_we_wouldnt_have_911/
%
How does a German tie his shoes?

With 'lil knotsies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98rhmt/how_does_a_german_tie_his_shoes/
%
I need help. Whenever I call my redheaded wife "my little mermaid" she always lights up

How else can I politely say "your bottom half smells like fish"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98re9e/i_need_help_whenever_i_call_my_redheaded_wife_my/
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How to communicate with God

A poster is found in all French churches. The translation is:
"By entering this church it may be possible that you hear "the call of God". However, it is less probable that He will call you on your mobile. Thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter, choose a quiet place and talk to him. If you want to see him, send him a text while driving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98rcz3/how_to_communicate_with_god/
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What's the difference between a blonde and a leech?

If you slap them, the blonde keeps on sucking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98r9pf/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a_leech/
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Yesterday I saw a man spill scrabble letters on the road

So I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98r9lt/yesterday_i_saw_a_man_spill_scrabble_letters_on/
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Three gay men are at a bar.

The first one says, “I’m so loose, my boyfriend can fit his fist inside me without effort!” Second one says, “Oh yeah? I’m so loose that my bf can fit his whole arm inside me without effort!” Third guy laughs and the stool beneath him disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98r83o/three_gay_men_are_at_a_bar/
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Tell the punchline first.

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98r4dq/tell_the_punchline_first/
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The National poetry contest

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a red-neck from Southeast Tennessee A & M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!! How, they wondered could the red neck top that?! The clock started again and the red neck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and I, off hunting went
Found three girls in a pop-up tent.
They were three, we were two,
So, I bucked one and Timbuktu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98r30l/the_national_poetry_contest/
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How does a whale get around town?

The Mono-whale!
(Written by yours truly at age ten)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98r0s9/how_does_a_whale_get_around_town/
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What is Al-Qaeda’s favorite football team?

The New York Jets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98r0kj/what_is_alqaedas_favorite_football_team/
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How did Chris brown’s girlfriend find out that he was cheating on her?

She found another girl’s lipstick on his fist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98qzjo/how_did_chris_browns_girlfriend_find_out_that_he/
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas...

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed o
ut the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98qrp8/a_dea_officer_stopped_at_a_ranch_in_texas/
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I just saw someone had set up a little wedding chapel in their front yard.

It had a tasteful little altar, a lattice  arch covered in white roses, the whole deal. The only thing I didn't  understand was a vertical length of 2x4 lumber, placed in a hole in the ground so it stuck three feet high. Just then, I noticed  someone who lived there open the front door and start walking towards  me.
"Hey what's the deal with the 2x4 sticking out of the ground?" I asked.
"The deal is, I think you and that 2x4 should get married." They  surprised me by pulling a handgun from the small of their back and  waving it in my direction.
"Put that thing away, are you trying to get somebody killed?!?"
"No, I'm not serious," they laughed, showing me the gun was an obvious  plastic toy. "I was just curious what it would take to get you to engage  with this post."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98qq65/i_just_saw_someone_had_set_up_a_little_wedding/
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Thank god my lawn is emo...

I never have to cut it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98qme4/thank_god_my_lawn_is_emo/
%
The only thing flat earthers have to fear...

is sphere itself...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98qixm/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_have_to_fear/
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What do lesbians wash their clothes with?

Deter Gents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98qhdr/what_do_lesbians_wash_their_clothes_with/
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I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.
Robin Hood: **"HALT!"**
**"*****I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"***
Peasant: *"I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see"*
Robin Hood: ***"Very well then poor man, take this!"***
Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest.
The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: *"I can't believe it, I'm Rich!"*
**"HALT!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98qcx9/i_am_robin_hood_i_take_from_the_rich_to_give_to/
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What do you you call a mexican inch worm?

An inch-a-lotta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98qb8r/what_do_you_you_call_a_mexican_inch_worm/
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A book just fell on my head

I only have myshelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98qb7p/a_book_just_fell_on_my_head/
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I had a job drilling holes for water

It was well boring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98qah7/i_had_a_job_drilling_holes_for_water/
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What do you call a band of orchas?

An orchestra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98qag1/what_do_you_call_a_band_of_orchas/
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A highly successful CEO of a large multi national corporation (MNC) was going home in his car when he saw

two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.   He asked one man- "Why are you eating grass?"   "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."   "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the CEO said.   "But sir, I have a wife and two  children with me. They are over there, under that tree".   "Bring them along," the CEO replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."   The second man, in a pitiful voice then said,  "But sir, I also have a wife and three children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the CEO answered.   They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.
One of the poor fellows turned to the CEO and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The CEO replied,  "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98q85n/a_highly_successful_ceo_of_a_large_multi_national/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98q4gd/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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A Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place...

He asks, "Can you make me one with everything?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98q44f/a_dalai_lama_walks_into_a_pizza_place/
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I dated a dentist a while ago.

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98q3o5/i_dated_a_dentist_a_while_ago/
%
Someone sent the Buddha a gift box tied with a ribbon.

Buddha opened it to find it empty. “Aha!”, he said, “Just what I wanted. Nothing!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98q06f/someone_sent_the_buddha_a_gift_box_tied_with_a/
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What do you call someone who thinks NASCAR is superior to any other racing sport?

A racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98pzxr/what_do_you_call_someone_who_thinks_nascar_is/
%
A man is walking home alone one foggy night...

... when behind him he hears
BUMP
BUMP
BUMP
He looks back warily and through the fog sees an upright casket hopping its way down the street toward him.
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing after him.
He runs up to his door, fishes out his keys and enters. He slams the door behind him and locks it as quickly as he can. But the casket doesn't stop.
It smashes through his door, and chases him up the stairs. The casket's door is swinging wildly, clapping as it bounces after him.
He rushes into his toilet, and locks himself in again. He's panicking, his heart is racing and he's soaked in sweat.
Alas, the casket tears through his bathroom door as well. The man reaches out to find something to throw at the casket, and grabs the first thing he gets.
It's a bottle of cough syrup. Desperate, he throws it at the casket.
Immediately, the coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98pygn/a_man_is_walking_home_alone_one_foggy_night/
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A pirate with a steering wheel on the front of his pants walks into a bar

The bartender says "you know you got a steering wheel on your pants, right?"
The pirate replies "arg, I know! It's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98px4e/a_pirate_with_a_steering_wheel_on_the_front_of/
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What do Mario and Luigi wear?

Denim. Denim. Denim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98px18/what_do_mario_and_luigi_wear/
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If a woman has sex with 10 different men, she's considered a slut, but if a man does the same thing...

...he is gay. Definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98pvxd/if_a_woman_has_sex_with_10_different_men_shes/
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I wish I could see what it was like to be poor for just one day.

I'm tired of being poor every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98psxb/i_wish_i_could_see_what_it_was_like_to_be_poor/
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You've heard why 6 was afraid of 7, but have you ever wondered why 7 was so hungry?

It was only 5 until 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98pmdi/youve_heard_why_6_was_afraid_of_7_but_have_you/
%
2 skeletons rise from a grave one night and get on a motorcycle

Suddenly the one on the driver seat gets off again, runs back and rips out its gravestone. The other asks: "What the hell do you need THAT for?"
And it answers: "Are you stupid? I can't just drive without my ID!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98pgsy/2_skeletons_rise_from_a_grave_one_night_and_get/
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My neighbor kid had weird religious parents.

They homeschooled their kids and put them in old fashioned clothes. The boy my age they named Holy and constantly reminded him to live up to his name and live a holy life. He took it seriously but over time it became a burden along with the teasing he got for having a weird name. At 17 he had a mental breakdown and was sent to a hospital. Over time his mental issues grew worse and more serious. He became homeless and an alcoholic. I once saw him on the street in an alleyway smearing his own feces on his body and masturbating. I thought to myself, Holy fucking shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98pfoi/my_neighbor_kid_had_weird_religious_parents/
%
One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison.

I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98pee4/one_time_i_was_out_scuba_diving_when_i_suddenly/
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An old farmer is drinking his morning coffee when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a stranger standing there with an empty jar in each hand.
“What can I do for ya, feller?” The farmer asked.
“Well, I was just passing by yesterday when I noticed you had some Honeysuckle vines growing on your fence row over there, and I was wondering if you might allow me to harvest some honey from it?”
“Feller, you must be confused, honey don’t come from honeysuckle vines, but be my guest!” The old farmer laughed as he shook his head and shut the door. He finished his coffee and breakfast, then made his way out to the front porch to read the newspaper. After a few more minutes passed, the old farmer looked up from his paper to see the stranger shuffling down the road with the jars completely full of honey!
The old farmer mumbled to himself ,”well I’ll be damned.” He went straight back into the house and went to bed, thinking he must be ill and imagining things.
The next morning went the same as the day before, except this time the stranger had a big bucket in his hand and the old farmer said “I suppose you’re back for more honey?”
The stranger replied, “no, I was wondering if I could harvest some milk?”
The old farmer answered, “well, feller I ain’t got no cows or goats!”
The stranger said, “well when I was harvesting the honey yesterday I couldn’t help but notice that you had an abundance of milkweed growing in that pasture over yonder!”
The farmer looked at the stranger as if he was crazy. Scratched his head and said, “feller, you can’t get real milk from milkweed! The stranger replied, “I can, I have a special technique!” The old farmer shook his head and said,”ah hell, be my guest!” Then he shut the door. Just like the day before, later that day he looked up from his paper as he sat on the porch and he saw the stranger shuffling down the road with that bucket so full of milk that it was sloshing all over the place as he went! The old farmer went straight inside and went to bed thinking he must be going crazy!
The next morning the old man sat on the porch drinking his morning coffee as he waited to see if the stranger would appear once more.
Sure enough, the stranger appeared out on the road and walked up to the house.
“Here for more milk and honey?” The old farmer asked.
“ No sir, when I was out harvesting the milk yesterday I couldn’t help but notice you had a couple of pussywillows growing out th—-“Say no more!” The old farmer interjected. “Wait here while I put my boots on!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98pdgf/an_old_farmer_is_drinking_his_morning_coffee_when/
%
I was studying in the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.

I replied: "Dude, it's 2018, you can use whatever printer you want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98pd1i/i_was_studying_in_the_library_today_when_a_black/
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How did Superman get rich in the 2010s?

By investing in Krypto-currency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98pc6u/how_did_superman_get_rich_in_the_2010s/
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The difference between reality and theory

A boy comes home from school one day very upset about a project that was assigned to him. His father noticing this asks:
Father: what's wrong son?
Son: I have this stupid project due tomorrow where I must explain to the class the difference between reality and theory.
Father: well that's easy, all you have to do is ask your mother and sister if they would sleep with another man for a million dollars.
Son: how is that gonna help me out dad?
Father: just trust me.
So the son goes and asks his mother and sister if they would sleep with another man for a million dollars. The mother said she would only for the money to put his sister and him through college and to pay off bills. The sister said yes in a heart beat just for the money. So with this information, the boy goes back to his father for an explanation.
Son: ok dad I asked both mom and sister if they would sleep with another man for a million dollars and they both said yes.
Father: well there is your answer right there!
Son: I don't get it at all...
Father: well, in THEORY we could have two million dollars, but the REALITY is that we live with a couple of whores!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98pbel/the_difference_between_reality_and_theory/
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My buddy said he made a voodoo doll of me.

I think he's pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98p8h7/my_buddy_said_he_made_a_voodoo_doll_of_me/
%
Did you hear about the millennial on Wheel of Fortune?

He tried to rent a vowel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98p67c/did_you_hear_about_the_millennial_on_wheel_of/
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What Do You Call Vegan Swedish Meatballs?

Meatish Swedeballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98p388/what_do_you_call_vegan_swedish_meatballs/
%
Three men are on a plane.

Three men are on a plane when the Pilot makes an emergency announcement.
"We are losing altitude fast! Throw things off of the plane so we can land safely!"
The first man throws out a cabin chair.
The second man throws out a door.
The third man throws out a grenade.
The plane then lands safely. The three men walk along a road and the first man notices a boy crying.
"What's the matter with you?" He asks.
"I was hit in the face by a chair!"
The second man notices another boy crying.
"What's the matter with you?" He asks.
"I was hit in the face by a door!"
The third man then notices another boy, pissing himself laughing.
"What's so funny?" He asks.
"I farted and blew up a building!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98p2m8/three_men_are_on_a_plane/
%
I'm a regular Don Juan

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98oz09/im_a_regular_don_juan/
%
BUBBA died in a FIRE!!

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!!
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.
Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”
“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.
Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ox7u/bubba_died_in_a_fire/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98osca/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Actually, it’s a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98opv8/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
%
What do you do when you are bored?

You punch an orphan.
Don't worry, he won't tell his parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98opup/what_do_you_do_when_you_are_bored/
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The CEO of a dwindling hotel chain shows up in court to save his company from bankruptcy

It was his last resort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98oowt/the_ceo_of_a_dwindling_hotel_chain_shows_up_in/
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What do you call a homophobic hobo?

Homoless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98oou9/what_do_you_call_a_homophobic_hobo/
%
My wife taught the car a new trick

Who knew they could roll over...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ol9s/my_wife_taught_the_car_a_new_trick/
%
r/Jokes is like my job

The same damn thing every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98okh0/rjokes_is_like_my_job/
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Did you hear about the new Lesbian only dating app?

Scissr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ogh2/did_you_hear_about_the_new_lesbian_only_dating_app/
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Oops..

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ofey/oops/
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If you don't know how to pronounce the "g" in "gif"...

it's pronounced just like the "g" in "gigantic"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98oeum/if_you_dont_know_how_to_pronounce_the_g_in_gif/
%
Met a girl that's into horoscopes

Her : I'm a Sagittarius, bet that already tells you a lot about me.
Me : So according to this website, would you say you're a curious, energetic person that wants to be a part of things rather than be a spectator?
Her : Mmmhm that's me to a T
Me : Congratulations you're an Aries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98o9oe/met_a_girl_thats_into_horoscopes/
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Why did the horse get kicked off the committee?

He always voted "neigh".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98o8zh/why_did_the_horse_get_kicked_off_the_committee/
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I heard an Iraqi guitar tutor is offering to teach guitarists songs in obscure tunings

Lessons will be in BAGDAD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98o7q4/i_heard_an_iraqi_guitar_tutor_is_offering_to/
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So a cowboy had a party to go to

Upon finishing his work on friday, he goes back to his house and tells his kid:
"get a horse ready, Im in a hurry"
"which one dad?"
"don't care, first one you see"
He takes a shower and rushes out to mount the horse for the trek, since he figures he's running late, he takes a shortcut, a road with a reputation to be haunted.
a few minutes later in the middle of the road, flames and brimstone erupt suddenly and violently as a great, red, horned demon appears before him.
The cowboy is stunned with fear, but the demon calms him down
"hey... hey... Im not here to kill you or anything, sorry about scaring you, listen, its been a while anyone ever comes down this road, so for your bravery, I'll grant you three wishes"
"alright... I want money, infinite money" stammers the cowboy.
the demon snaps his fingers "It is done, what else?"
"I-I- I wanna be handsome"
again, the demon snaps his finger and says "good choice, what else?"
The cowboy now, with a certain smugness taps his mount and says "I want my genitals to be comparable to my mount's"
The demon raises an eyebrow "You know, not everyone is into that, right"
"Just do it, come on"
"Fine" says the demon "It is done, farewell traveller"
and like that, the demon disappears, The cowboy rushes to the party and finds a mirror in the salon, he notices that while he looks not too different, most of his wrinkless and blemishes in his face disappeared and all the ladies are blushing when they pass by him, slowly, he notices that whenever he spends any money, a 100 dollar bill appears on its place in his wallet.
After a long night of partying, he goes back home to sleep, he wakes up early in the morning and passes by his son eating breakfast.
"So, how was the party?" his son asks
"It was good, really good" he says as he walks to the toilet, in order to take a piss.
"Yeah, you look... better, must've been great"
The cowboy doesnt respond, and about 3 minutes later, his son gets worried about the silence.
"Dad... you okay in there?"
"Yeah, son... I think I am, I just got one question"
"go ahead"
"yesterday, when I asked you to get me a horse, did you saddle a fucking mare?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98o36g/so_a_cowboy_had_a_party_to_go_to/
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Without the Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.

We would have IX/XI instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98o25a/without_the_arabs_we_wouldnt_have_911/
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Interrogation...

Suspect: I ain't talking
Cop: [sharpens knife] we have other ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
Suspect: can I have some
Cop: cake is for the talkers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98o0fn/interrogation/
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I asked the librarian if she had any books on embarrassing situations.

She said, "Sorry, I don't work here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98nz1n/i_asked_the_librarian_if_she_had_any_books_on/
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TIL Steve Irwin was trying to market his own sunblock.

The FDA wouldn’t approve it because it didn’t protect you against all rays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98nxxm/til_steve_irwin_was_trying_to_market_his_own/
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Here is something most of r/Jokes viewers won't get:

Original Content

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98nvlv/here_is_something_most_of_rjokes_viewers_wont_get/
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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98nux6/one_day_at_the_end_of_class_little_johnnys/
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Why was the king so disgusted by the peasants?

They were revolting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98nu90/why_was_the_king_so_disgusted_by_the_peasants/
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If a cop enters your home, falls down and begins convulsing....

Is that an unlawful search and seizure?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ntsb/if_a_cop_enters_your_home_falls_down_and_begins/
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An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge

, when suddenly a bald old woman appears.
"I am the witch who guards this bridge. Ye may only pass if you present to me a challenge which I cannot do."
The Englishman steps up first:
"I was the best footballer in my hometown. I bet you cannot kick a football further than me."
So the Englishman kicks a football, and it goes off into the distance, 5 football fields or so away. However the bald witch steps up and easily kicks the football twice as far. The Scotsman is next to challenge the witch.
"I was almost picked for the Olympic swimming team. I bet you can't swim to the other side of the river and back faster than me."
So the witch and the Scotsman jump in the river, but to the Scotsman's surprise the bald witch easily beats him to the other side and back.
The Irishman is the last to challenge the witch. He pauses for a moment, then pulls a comb out of his jacket pocket, looks the witch in the eyes, and starts combing his hair back.
"I bet you can't do this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98nr2n/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_are/
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I tattooed a $100 bill to my penis...

That way I always have a hand on my money, I can watch my money grow, and if my wife wants to blow a $100...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98npe6/i_tattooed_a_100_bill_to_my_penis/
%
How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

They take the psychopath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98nov5/how_does_a_crazy_person_travel_through_the_woods/
%
What do you call a spider with 15 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98not7/what_do_you_call_a_spider_with_15_eyes/
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Three guys are having drinks on the roof of their office building...

and one of them looks to another and says, “You know there’s a fascinating phenomenon where if you jump off this building a gust of warm air will lift you back onto the roof to safety”.
The other man says, “no way man don’t make jokes like that while we’re drinking”.
In response he says, “no really I’ll prove it to you!”, and proceeds to jump off the building.
The other two guys rush to the edge certain that their friend met an untimely demise, but sure enough just before he was about to strike the ground he floated safely back to the roof.
The guy who initially didn’t believe him stares in awe and says, “oh hell yeah!”, before jumping off the building.
The two other men watch as he plummets directly into the pavement and dies.
The friend who had been quiet the whole time then turns and says, “Clark you are a really mean drunk”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ngn0/three_guys_are_having_drinks_on_the_roof_of_their/
%
Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ndar/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
Did you know a cat can jump higher than a house?

Because houses can't jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98nd0x/did_you_know_a_cat_can_jump_higher_than_a_house/
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A man walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer before it begins!".

He gets the beer, drinks it and says: "Gimme another one before it begins!" After drinking that one, he says "Another before it begins!".
The guy drinks a few more beers that way before the bartender asks him: "Who's paying for this?"
The guy replies: "And it begins..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98n85u/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_gimme_a_beer/
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My girlfriend told me, “I get really self conscious when I’m out in public.”

I joked, “Come on, you aren’t that ugly.”
She said, “No, but you are.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98n7py/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_get_really_self_conscious/
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Apparently, sniffer dogs are great at finding drugs.

So when I was at the airport yesterday, I bent down and asked one of them where I could find some.
The cheeky bastard said nothing and now I'm in a prison cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98n3wy/apparently_sniffer_dogs_are_great_at_finding_drugs/
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Did you know that members of the KKK thought that being touched by a person of color would cause cysts?

They were called race cysts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98mwze/did_you_know_that_members_of_the_kkk_thought_that/
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I became a proud dad today!

Well my son is 4.. But he was a boring little cunt for the first 3 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98mv8j/i_became_a_proud_dad_today/
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I was reading a horror story in Braille, something bad was about to happen

I could feel it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98mjq6/i_was_reading_a_horror_story_in_braille_something/
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You won't believe what happened to me!

And 5 other briliant things you can title your video!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98mdgd/you_wont_believe_what_happened_to_me/
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My brother told me a good joke, and I’m pretty it’s from something, not sure what.

So I once worked at a dildo store. One day the manager had to go out to run an errand, and left me in charge.
The first woman comes in and says “Can I get the black one?”. She buys it, she leaves.
A second woman comes in and says “Ooo can I get that blue one?”. She buys it, she leaves.
A third woman comes in and says “Oh! I’ve never seen a metal one before. Let me get that one!” She buys it, she leaves.
Then the manager comes back and says “So how’d you do?”
“Pretty good, I sold two dildos and a thermos!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98mc0r/my_brother_told_me_a_good_joke_and_im_pretty_its/
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but i've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98m9jd/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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I have a friend who is addicted to drinking brake fluid....

He insists that he can stop at any time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98m74y/i_have_a_friend_who_is_addicted_to_drinking_brake/
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Dad, are those gay cows? .....

No, they're Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98m40z/dad_are_those_gay_cows/
%
Where does the president go during an immigration crisis?

Hispanic room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98lyyh/where_does_the_president_go_during_an_immigration/
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On a scale from 1 to 10 on how bad you need to use the restroom...

I’d say urinate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98lyxc/on_a_scale_from_1_to_10_on_how_bad_you_need_to/
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A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98lt8r/a_new_study_shows_that_unvaccinated_children_are/
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The doctor said I’d suffer with erectile dysfunction...

But it hasn’t given me a hard time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98lorg/the_doctor_said_id_suffer_with_erectile/
%
Why aren't ducks good doctors?

They're all quacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98lnuz/why_arent_ducks_good_doctors/
%
What do you call a snake with no clothes?

Snaked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98lies/what_do_you_call_a_snake_with_no_clothes/
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God's punishment

God gave women labor pains and monthly bleeding as the punishment for the original sin. Men's punishment is to be with his wife and listen to her problems. That's why god hates homosexuals. They found a loophole in this system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98lekt/gods_punishment/
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Whats hard to get in, but once you're in, hard to get out of?

the shower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ldyr/whats_hard_to_get_in_but_once_youre_in_hard_to/
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Is it rude to go up to someone with an eyepatch and say

"Was it all fun and games up until that point?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98lc5u/is_it_rude_to_go_up_to_someone_with_an_eyepatch/
%
I finally found someone who loves me!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98l9ug/i_finally_found_someone_who_loves_me/
%
When I heard they'd found a cure for dyslexia,

It was music to my arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98l78h/when_i_heard_theyd_found_a_cure_for_dyslexia/
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(Long) A man is walking the strip in Vegas...

...when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How Much?"
The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job!"
The man says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"
"Yes!"
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes!"
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes!"
"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try!"
They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just had the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500! He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000?"
The hooker says, "No, $1500!"
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over to the window.
Do you see those two casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500!"
The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up!:
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth!.....
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"
The hooker says, "No. But I would... If I had a pussy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98l55k/long_a_man_is_walking_the_strip_in_vegas/
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How do you make an apple puff?

Chase it round the garden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98l4k2/how_do_you_make_an_apple_puff/
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A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At noon cock again screws 150 hens.
Next day, it's fucking the ducks and geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" Cock opens one eye, points up and says, "shhh! They're about to land!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98l1z5/a_farmer_buys_a_young_cock/
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Why is Kim Jong UN so bent on nuking the world?

He has no Seoul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98l1c3/why_is_kim_jong_un_so_bent_on_nuking_the_world/
%
The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."
* Leviticus 20:13 ESV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98l177/the_bible_says_being_gay_is_fine_as_long_as_youre/
%
Batman follows 16 sodium atoms.

NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA Batman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98l0ki/batman_follows_16_sodium_atoms/
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I had an idea for a joke concerning an archeologist and a nudist,

But, no matter how deep I dig, the punchline seems bare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kzro/i_had_an_idea_for_a_joke_concerning_an/
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Atrophy

...it isn't as rewarding as it sounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kyi9/atrophy/
%
The flesh inside your cheeks is identical to the flesh inside a vagina.

You're licking the insides of your cheeks, aren't you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ky0r/the_flesh_inside_your_cheeks_is_identical_to_the/
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What do you call a bee that lives in the United States?

a USB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kth9/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_lives_in_the_united/
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I've heard that more people are getting cremated than buried these days.

I guess coffins are a dying business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ksos/ive_heard_that_more_people_are_getting_cremated/
%
Boss: "Why did you hire a donkey to work in the copy room?"

Me: "Well, I gave a buncha animals a tryout."
Boss: "And..."
Me: "That ass collated quickly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ksiv/boss_why_did_you_hire_a_donkey_to_work_in_the/
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Adoption Agent: Welcome to the adoption agency, how may I help you?

Me: yes, I would like to put up my grades for adoption
Adoption Agent: wth?... sir...you must be mistaken... we...
Me: *crying*  Please...help...I can't raise them on my own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ksgy/adoption_agent_welcome_to_the_adoption_agency_how/
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What do you call it when two redheads have a son?

A gingerbred man.
credit to: u/ryannut for inspiration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kscp/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_redheads_have_a_son/
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What do you call a vegetarian prostitute?

A herbiwhore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kqzo/what_do_you_call_a_vegetarian_prostitute/
%
A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar....

If they weren’t arguing they would have seen it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kp77/a_christian_a_jew_and_a_muslim_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I realized that whacking off helps me fall asleep much faster

This whole time the cure for insomnia was within my grasp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kp6u/i_realized_that_whacking_off_helps_me_fall_asleep/
%
Why couldnt Barbie get pregnant?

Cause Ken always came in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98knci/why_couldnt_barbie_get_pregnant/
%
What do you call a pile of kittens ?

A meowtain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kju9/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_kittens/
%
I bought a ceiling fan the other day

complete waste of money! All he does is stand, applaud, and say he loves how smooth it is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kjew/i_bought_a_ceiling_fan_the_other_day/
%
If I had €1 for every maths test I've failed

I would have €7.20 by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kj9c/if_i_had_1_for_every_maths_test_ive_failed/
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The Lord moves in mysterious ways. But you don’t.

Use your turn signal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kiqj/the_lord_moves_in_mysterious_ways_but_you_dont/
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A woman goes home to find her husband with a duck

"So, this is the pig I've been fucking" said the man.
"That's not a pig, that's a duck!" said the woman.
"I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kimp/a_woman_goes_home_to_find_her_husband_with_a_duck/
%
What do you call a shark that plays basketball?

A Sharq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kgp5/what_do_you_call_a_shark_that_plays_basketball/
%
Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?
Dave: I want to be rich
Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kfse/dave_rubs_a_magic_lamp_and_the_genie_grants_him_3/
%
You haven't heard of The Incredible Hulk's new fashion line?

It's all the rage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98kepr/you_havent_heard_of_the_incredible_hulks_new/
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Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2:  "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ke4u/astronaut_1_i_cant_find_any_milk_for_my_coffee/
%
What do 24 hillbillies have in common?

One complete set of teeth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98k5tg/what_do_24_hillbillies_have_in_common/
%
A college girl from Wisconsin wants to learn about her heritage...

So she decides to take a month long trip around Germany. Now, as a college student, she’s dead broke so she hits on a plan to make some spending cash.
A month later, she’s back in Wisconsin and her mother says “So Gertrude, how did you like the fatherland?”
“I loved it”, Gertrude gushed. “I learned so much about German culture. Once, I had a Frankfurter, a Hamburger and a Berliner all at the same time!”
“Gosh!”, says her mother. “You must have been stuffed! Could you even walk after that?!”
“Not for days”, says Gertrude, “but it was worth it, the money from the video paid for my food for the whole trip!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98k4u2/a_college_girl_from_wisconsin_wants_to_learn/
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How do you tell the difference between a boy ant and a girl ant?

Drop the ant in a glass of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant.
If it floats, it's buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98jzcd/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_boy_ant/
%
My girl asked if I will ever stop listening to Oasis

I said maybe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98jxl7/my_girl_asked_if_i_will_ever_stop_listening_to/
%
Diagnosing erectile dysfunction:

Not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98jw3d/diagnosing_erectile_dysfunction/
%
If I had a dollar everytime I thought about you

I would start thinking about you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ju3r/if_i_had_a_dollar_everytime_i_thought_about_you/
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Two guys are sitting on the porch watching the dog lick his balls

Guy: Man, some days I really wish I could do that also.
Friend: You probably can, just make sure to pet him first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98js5c/two_guys_are_sitting_on_the_porch_watching_the/
%
In North Korea, you cannot throw fruit in the snow...

Because they do not have the right to freeze peach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98jq77/in_north_korea_you_cannot_throw_fruit_in_the_snow/
%
Poaching defenseless, innocent wild animals is just plain wrong

They're much better roasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98jpd5/poaching_defenseless_innocent_wild_animals_is/
%
I don't mind women breastfeeding in public...

But I hate it when they get offended when I wink at them and ask for a taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98jp5h/i_dont_mind_women_breastfeeding_in_public/
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I always arrive late to work...

...but I make up for it by leaving early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98jogv/i_always_arrive_late_to_work/
%
What did the Muslim police officer say to the criminal?

"You Qur'an, but you can't hide!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98jngm/what_did_the_muslim_police_officer_say_to_the/
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Watching gymnastics

*gymnast does a double-triple-super-ultra-backflip-frontflip but takes a tiny step when she lands*
Me : *mouthful of pringles* what a loser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98jhb5/watching_gymnastics/
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My friend works at a brothel...

One day a japanese man came in. He said: 'I will pay you double for an hour, but I will get an orgasm about 52 times. When I do I go outside take a quick break and come back.' My friend agrees and the man pays two times the normal prices.
The man goes up and in less then 60 seconds he comes down and runs outside. This happens about 50 times when the japanese man doesn't come back. My friend decides to run after him and he sees and old woman. 'Did you see a japanese man?' He asks. The woman answers: 'No, but a just saw a bus full of japanese driving away.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98jejo/my_friend_works_at_a_brothel/
%
Two brothers are forced to join the military.

Both don't want to go. The oldest brother says don't worry i got this, we just gotta make sure we don't pass the medical exam. During the exam the oldest puts a hundred dollar bill between his buttcheeks. The doctor asks him to bent over, looks and says oh you are very sick defenitely not in good shape to join the army. The older brother comes out smiling, explaining to his brother what he did. The younger brother goes into the exam room, puts a ten dollar bill between his cheeks, bents over. The doctor looks, hmmm you are fit for the army, you passed your medical exam. The younger brother looks up, angry says why did i pass and my brother not. The doctor said well your brothers condition was ten times worse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98j916/two_brothers_are_forced_to_join_the_military/
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What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

Hallome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98j6ou/what_did_the_cheese_say_when_it_looked_in_the/
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Did you know that Dubai don’t like The Flintstones.

But Abu Dhabi Do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98j3mc/did_you_know_that_dubai_dont_like_the_flintstones/
%
We should be more thankful for anti-vaxxers.

They’re volunteering their kids to help keep the population down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98j22s/we_should_be_more_thankful_for_antivaxxers/
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A man received the following text message from his neighbor:

*"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.*
*I have been tapping your wife all the time. I'm not getting any at my house, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt.*
*I hope you will accept my sincerest apology, along with my promise that it won't happen again."*
The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and pointed it at his wife all set to shoot her.
Just then, a second text message came in:
"*Damn spell-check. I meant "wifi", not "wife"."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98j08o/a_man_received_the_following_text_message_from/
%
"I think my new boss is gay" Dave said to his wife Karen

"What makes you think that? Karen asked
"Well every time I kiss him on the lips he grabs my cock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ixr8/i_think_my_new_boss_is_gay_dave_said_to_his_wife/
%
My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98iusi/my_girlfriend_just_emailed_me/
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Plane trouble

A plane was about to crash. It had four passengers, but only three parachutes.
First out was a top football player. He said: "My team counts on me, and my millions of fans will be devestated if I die". He took one of the chutes and jumped out.
Next was Donald Trump. He said: "I’m the smartest president america has ever had, and I’m loved all over the world." He took the second chute and jumped out.
The last two were the pope and a 10 year old boy. The pope said to the boy: "I’m old and don’t have many years left, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Also, I’m sure to go to heaven. You take the last parachute, and God be with you."
The boy replied: "Thank you for thinking of me, but there is no need for that. The worlds smartest president took my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98itlo/plane_trouble/
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My dad can do all the same tricks that my dog can.

Except for stay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98isxl/my_dad_can_do_all_the_same_tricks_that_my_dog_can/
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What's the difference between a kinky person and a pervert?

A kinky person uses a feather. A Pervert uses the whole chicken.
Bonus:: Why did the pervert cross the road? He was stuck to the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98isox/whats_the_difference_between_a_kinky_person_and_a/
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I recently installed a new Operating System. The problem is that it randomly deleted half of my files.

It is called Than OS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ishi/i_recently_installed_a_new_operating_system_the/
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People want to help hippos and conserve them, while others dislike hippos for attacking humans.

Why are people so hippo-critical?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98irt8/people_want_to_help_hippos_and_conserve_them/
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What happens when you electrocute a chickpea?

You'll get charged with hummuscide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98iqpb/what_happens_when_you_electrocute_a_chickpea/
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A man is at a restaurant and he asks a waiter,”Sir, are you not going to season my food?”

And the waiter replies,”I’m sorry but I don’t have thyme.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98iqnx/a_man_is_at_a_restaurant_and_he_asks_a_waitersir/
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You know what stops rape everytime?

Consent. Works like a charm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ipxt/you_know_what_stops_rape_everytime/
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I was walking outside of the Microsoft Store at the mall tonight when my wife asked if I wanted to go in and look at anything.

I told her “No, I’m just Windows shopping.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ipja/i_was_walking_outside_of_the_microsoft_store_at/
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Hey Ernie, would you like some ice cream?

Sherbert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ilf3/hey_ernie_would_you_like_some_ice_cream/
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A priest decides to do some community work.

After considering where he should travel to do this work, he decides to travel to the Nigerian desert and assist the farmers working there.
After several weeks providing physical labour to the farmers he asks if there is a more effective way to help them. The farmer replied to him "Father, it has not rained in months. And when the season returns the rain is so sparse we can barely get our crops to survive". With some consideration that night, the priest says a quick prayer that night to help the farmers by giving the best season of rain the country had ever seen.
As he woke up the next morning, miraculously it was raining outside. Not only that, it was pouring rain, the most rain the region had ever seen. Within the following months, the crops were plentiful and the area was having an economic revolution.
His work was noted and he was eventually invited to meet the Pope to discuss the change in the region he had brought about, as the Pope was holding a summit for influential priests. He packed his bags without hesitation and jumped on the 12:30 flight to the Vatican to meet his mentor. The day comes and he shakes hands with the Pope, when the Pope asked him "Father, what contribution have you made to society which brought you here?"
The priest replied, "I blessed the rains down in Africa".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98idk3/a_priest_decides_to_do_some_community_work/
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Why shouldn't you throw away an old dolphin?

Because they can be re-porpoised!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ibp6/why_shouldnt_you_throw_away_an_old_dolphin/
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If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on…

I’d be like “Yo, what’s with all these dimes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98i1tt/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_had_no_idea_what/
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What is the colour of the Wind?

Blew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98i1js/what_is_the_colour_of_the_wind/
%
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan...

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98i1fd/my_girlfriend_changed_a_lot_after_she_became_vegan/
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I was trying to expose the cement company for using cheap materials

But I couldn't find any concrete evidence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98hyy8/i_was_trying_to_expose_the_cement_company_for/
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I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but then he fell asleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98hyko/i_asked_my_welsh_friend_how_many_sexual_partners/
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If not using commas was a crime

would it result in long sentences?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98hy7w/if_not_using_commas_was_a_crime/
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I don't understand why people like chicken...

It's just fowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98huuj/i_dont_understand_why_people_like_chicken/
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A friend told me to "keep doing you bro"

I said: "Well no one else is".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98hr95/a_friend_told_me_to_keep_doing_you_bro/
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An elderly couple are rocking on their front porch. NSFW

All of a sudden the old lady reaches over and smacks the old man right out of his rocking chair.
The old man slowly gets up gets back in his rocking chair, after rocking a few minutes more he turns the old woman and asks "What was that for?"
"For having such a small pecker all these years!" she replies.
The old man rocks for a while longer then reaches out and smacks then old woman, send her and her chair sprawling.
The old woman gingerly gets herself up, rights the chair and sits down.
"What the hell was that for?" she demands.
The old man glares at her and growls, "For knowing the fucking difference."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98hqh5/an_elderly_couple_are_rocking_on_their_front/
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The nun told me I have a god complex...

I responded to the bus driver, "It's not that complex. I'm god."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98hldk/the_nun_told_me_i_have_a_god_complex/
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A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
He took out a business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98hgon/a_new_pastor_was_visiting_in_the_homes_of_his/
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I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98h7h3/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_and_500/
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A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.
The man realizes there could be benefits to either choice. Perhaps the box of novels could be about sailing or survival. On the other hand the criminals could be experienced in sailing or survival.
He decides the most important thing about either is gonna be how heavy they are. He is going to be using a really small boat and too much weight could slow him down or cause him to sink.
In order to figure out which one will benefit him the most he decides to weigh the prose and cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98h6qn/a_man_has_the_opportunity_to_win_a_million/
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I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel

But it takes up too much space in the freezer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98h5nm/i_have_the_body_of_a_25_year_old_supermodel/
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I'm like a fine wine.

I was once fresh pickings but now I'm old, bottled up and a little fruity.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98gyj4/im_like_a_fine_wine/
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A man rides through the desert on the back of a camel

After days of travel he starts to get horny and extremely pent up. So he gets the thought: "Might as well do it with my camel".
With that goal in mind, he grabs a shovel and starts piling up sand behind the camel so he could reach it, but every time he got on top of the pile, the camel walked out of reach. He repeated the processover and over with similarly little success until at one point he stood on top of one of the piles and spotted a naked woman running away from a hungry lion. He ran towards her and killed the lion with his shovel. Overjoyed that she was saved the woman said: "Thank you! I will do anything you want to repay you!"
And the man promptly answered: "Could you hold the camel for a bit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98gwtm/a_man_rides_through_the_desert_on_the_back_of_a/
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What’s the difference between a coke dealer and a dealer who sells other drugs?

A thin white line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98guei/whats_the_difference_between_a_coke_dealer_and_a/
%
A teacher is teaching their class about animals.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98gu1i/a_teacher_is_teaching_their_class_about_animals/
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Knock-Knock

Joker: "Knock-Knock"
Batman: "Who's there?"
Joker: "Not your parents..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98gs8n/knockknock/
%
The god Cronus ate his kids.

The original kids meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98grvt/the_god_cronus_ate_his_kids/
%
Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Because their mum and dad was in a jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98gon8/why_was_the_baby_strawberry_crying/
%
After that whole ring fiasco, Gandalf was in the Shire talking with Merry and Pippen...

"So, you went through the dark forest and met my friends the tree hearders. The Ents. Tell me about your journey."
Merry began. "They were all so big and mean and full of energy. All they did was rant and insult us!"
"Most of them, yes!" added Pippen. "Then we met old Gnarly Bark. He was much more sedate and relaxed. In fact, he told us so many funny stories and jokes. We met a few calm tree hearders after him... but he was the first."
Gandalf smiled, smoking his pipe. "I guess you could say his Bark was worse than his bite."
Merry and Pippen looked at each other. "Gandalf, that joke was terrible. How could you do that to us? Old Gnarly Bark's stories were sooo much better!"
Gandalf huffed angrily. "Fine." He grumbled. "So what you're saying is, my jokes are mediocre, but if I want a Really funny joke, I should see the first calm Ent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98gnp0/after_that_whole_ring_fiasco_gandalf_was_in_the/
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Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks.

Three blonde girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks. Intrigued, they go to investigate.
The first one says: “I’m pretty sure those are bear tracks.”
The second one says: “No, I’m pretty sure they’re wolf tracks.”
The third one thinks for a while, then says “Actually- ”
They were all hit by a passing train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98gl8g/three_blondes_girls_were_walking_in_the_woods_and/
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What do you call a pea that falls off your plate?

An Esca-pea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98gkfy/what_do_you_call_a_pea_that_falls_off_your_plate/
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Why should you never trust an atom?

They make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98gk0p/why_should_you_never_trust_an_atom/
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What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

A Pokemon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98gir7/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_proctologist/
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Jerusalem has a lot of petty crime. Thieves will steal anything not nailed down.

...which is why they even had to nail down Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ggoc/jerusalem_has_a_lot_of_petty_crime_thieves_will/
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Accidently spilled vanishing cream on my gerbil Lenny, and thus immediately took him to our vet

Bastard said he couldn't see him right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98gg9t/accidently_spilled_vanishing_cream_on_my_gerbil/
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What did Kris Kross order at McDonald's?

A Biggity, Biggity, Biggity Mac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98gedw/what_did_kris_kross_order_at_mcdonalds/
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Two Boys are Playing Frisbee

Then, a sudden gust of wind sends the frisbee onto a ledge mid flight; It's out of reach of the two boys. So, one goes and finds the nearest adult, who gives them two options:
"Well, I can try to give ya a boost me-self, but Yer might fall an' hurt yourself; or I can lend you my structure consisting of a series of bars between two upright lengths of wood. "
The kids thought it over and decided.
"I think we'll take the ladder option."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98gd9y/two_boys_are_playing_frisbee/
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My wife left me this morning

. She said I never open enough about my feelings and she feels that we’re not communicating anymore.
I didn’t know what to say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98gbk6/my_wife_left_me_this_morning/
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Two people are putting together a compass

One of them says, "Okay, I got the North part here, South here, and East right here". Then the other guy says, "where's the West of it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98g9i5/two_people_are_putting_together_a_compass/
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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

... I will find you. You have my Word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98g6vg/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office/
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I cocked my pistol and asked my girlfriend, "Any last words?"

4 hours later, I shot her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98g6cd/i_cocked_my_pistol_and_asked_my_girlfriend_any/
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A new study found that an overwhelming majority of architects are seeing psychiatrists

Most being diagnosed with an edifice complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98g62b/a_new_study_found_that_an_overwhelming_majority/
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Alligators can grow up to 20 feet

But most of them only grow four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98g46j/alligators_can_grow_up_to_20_feet/
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Two nuns are driving along a dark country road when a vampire jumps on the car

"Quick, Sister Mary, show him your cross!"
Sister Mary leans out of the window and shouts:
"GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR YOU CUNT"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98g356/two_nuns_are_driving_along_a_dark_country_road/
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Dad, its sunny here

Son, it's daddy here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98g34s/dad_its_sunny_here/
%
Whatever you do, don't step on a duck.

Three men approached the gates of heaven where they were immediately greeted by Saint Peter. "Hello good sirs, and welcome to the Kingdom of God. In heaven we have but one rule: DO NOT step on a duck."
"I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" questioned one of the men.
"Over the years, many misconceptions of heaven have arose. Yes, it's a pretty nice place. No, its not perfect, but its close. You see the only problem is the ducks. If you step on a duck it will begin to quack and then all the other ducks will begin to quack and its simply a nuisance for us all. So if you step on a duck, you must suffer the consequences." Saint Peter replied.
The three men looked at each other, laughed it off, and continued into heaven. As far as the eye could see there were ducks everywhere. Almost immediately one of the men accidentally stepped on a duck. Just as Peter had said, the duck began to quack and then the ducks around him began an audible tidal wave of quacks.
Soon after the quacks had passed, Saint Peter approached the men in hand with a hag of a woman. Without a word, he shackled the hag to the man that stepped on the duck and left.
The other two men were careful not to step on a duck. Although they tried there best, one of them eventually stepped on a duck. The same phenomenon of before arose and Saint Peter arrived again with a huge amazonian woman with warts all over her face. He shackled the woman to the man and left.
The final man treaded with care and spent many days and nights successfully stepping around the ducks. After a while, Saint Peter approached the man with a beautiful woman. He shackled the woman to the man and left without a word.
The man was so delighted he audibly said to himself, "Wow, what did I do to deserve this?"
The woman replied, "I don't know, but I stepped on a duck..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98g1ru/whatever_you_do_dont_step_on_a_duck/
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There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market

Its called mycoxaflopin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98g0l8/theres_a_new_erectile_dysfunction_medicine_on_the/
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If you ever want to build a home for the poor

A foundation is a solid place to start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fzj4/if_you_ever_want_to_build_a_home_for_the_poor/
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A man has a doctor appointment the next day that he wants to cancel.

So he goes into the office and asks the person at the desk, "Can I cancel my appointment?"
The person at the desk responds, "Of course, but there is a $100 cancelation fee if the appointment is in less than a week."
The man thinks for a minute than asks, "Is there a fee to reschedule my appointment?"
The person at the desk responds, "No, when do you want to reschedule it to?"
The man says, "In one week, please."
The person sets the appointment and the man says, "Alright can I please cancel that appointment?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fxct/a_man_has_a_doctor_appointment_the_next_day_that/
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I love vegans

The meat is better because its grass fed, locally sourced and free of harmful chemicals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fwo2/i_love_vegans/
%
I keep falling off my bike

it's a vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fv8a/i_keep_falling_off_my_bike/
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Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"...

and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fssc/clear_and_concise_writing_can_mean_the_difference/
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Do you want to know how i got these Scars?

Joker asked Batman as he showed him his Lion king figurine collection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fp80/do_you_want_to_know_how_i_got_these_scars/
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A bus full of senators and deputies crashed and felled down a cliff.

A man happened to be walking by when the accident took place.
The man immediately started to bury all the senators and deputies involved in the accident.
A few minutes later, the police showed up on site.
Cop: What happened?! Where's everyone?!
Man: I buried them.
Cop: What?! None of them survived?
Man: Well some of them said they were still alive and stuff like that but you know how politicians are, I didn't believe them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fnsc/a_bus_full_of_senators_and_deputies_crashed_and/
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I overheard a grown man call a trebuchet a catapult. I got really angry with him at first, but I learned something.

He weighed exactly 90kg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fnrk/i_overheard_a_grown_man_call_a_trebuchet_a/
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What's the difference between me and a calendar?

A calendar has dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fl1j/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_calendar/
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I own a series of vending macines

You know, in parks and stuff, you can get a coke, ginger ale, fanta, etc.
Business was going really well, so well I had to hire a guy to help. Right after I hired him though, sales plummeted.
Trying to figure out why, I went to a few of  my macines. The snacks were fine, but the drinks had a weird noise coming from them, like a wailing, crying. It was disconcerting,  and I didn't blame people for not buying.
The next month was terrible. I spent thousands having techs look at the machines, switching out the cans, nothing worked. Sales plummeted more, and I didn't have any answers.
At the end of my rope I decided to follow my new guy around as he restocked the machines. I found out every machine he would go to, he JAMMED as many cans and bottles as he could in, filling the machines to the brim. I finally found the problem.
When you squeeze coke, fanta and ginger ale in the machines so tight, of course they start crying-
They become soda pressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fkbv/i_own_a_series_of_vending_macines/
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Fingers turn me on

It's not easy being a light switch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fjmj/fingers_turn_me_on/
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A man ask his wife to tell him how many time she cheated on him when he dies.

The wife accepts.
3 weeks later, the man fakes his death to see his wife reaction.
Wife: Babe, like I promised I'm going to tell you the truth. I only cheated on you twice. Once to get you that job at the bank and the second time to get you that promotion to director.
The man stands up immediately after hearing this.
Man: Honey, can you make me CEO?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ficz/a_man_ask_his_wife_to_tell_him_how_many_time_she/
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I'm not sure if the US should build a space force

The costs would skyrocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fh6z/im_not_sure_if_the_us_should_build_a_space_force/
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Cashiers have a thing for me.

They keep checking me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fgzs/cashiers_have_a_thing_for_me/
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'Twister kills fifteen in Kansas'

Anybody else think the Americans may be playing it wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fguq/twister_kills_fifteen_in_kansas/
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A man goes to the doctor's office and receives a bill of $15,000.

Man: C'mon doc. You could've gave me a discount since were colleagues.
Doctor: Wait, you're a doctor too?
Man: No. I'm a thief just like you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fgrj/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors_office_and_receives_a/
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My girlfriend said it's not bad to have a small penis.

I still think I'd be happier if she didn't have one at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fgpy/my_girlfriend_said_its_not_bad_to_have_a_small/
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Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?

Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fctg/her_do_you_think_our_kids_are_spoiled/
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Joe wenton vacation to Cuba and asked his best friend to care of his mom and his cat.

After a week in Cuba, Joe gets a call from his friend.
Joe: Hey what's up man, how's everything back home?
Friend: Your cat died.
Joe: What?! You can't just call me and tell me my cat died.
- You could have made a first call and say: "Your cat is stuck in a tree and won't come down.
- Then a second call where you would say: "Your cat broke his foot while trying to come down."
- Finally, you could have made a third call and then said: "Your cat died."
But on the first call, that's just too blunt man. Anyways, how's my mom?
Friend: Your mom is stuck in a tree and won't come down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fbdl/joe_wenton_vacation_to_cuba_and_asked_his_best/
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I saw Batman's son at a baseball game today.

His name was printed on the back of his shirt: "Bat Boy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fawl/i_saw_batmans_son_at_a_baseball_game_today/
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I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98favg/im_being_attacked_by_russian_hackers/
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I was a cocky little punk when I was younger

I remember one time, when I was 9 years old, getting called into the principal's office.
“Your behavior is out of line, and getting worse & worse each day. Standards really are slipping."
"I'll do the talking” he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98fanr/i_was_a_cocky_little_punk_when_i_was_younger/
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My wife said to me “Did you even hear anything I was just saying?”

I thought to myself “That was a weird way of starting a conversation”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98f89o/my_wife_said_to_me_did_you_even_hear_anything_i/
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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None. He fell and landed on 15 bullets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98f1gg/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
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What is the name of a medieval castle for stoners?

Fort Wenty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98f1g0/what_is_the_name_of_a_medieval_castle_for_stoners/
%
Having immigrated at 1 and been raised in Los Angeles

by two hard-working first generation Korean parents,
I still struggle with insecurities, some of which are
worsened by deeply ingrained Asian stereotypes from my past.
Just the other week, my Caucasian friend Jessie and I hit the links
and I tee off 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
Then he tees off, and his ball hits
an 8 year old boy in the back of the head
\-- killing him instantly.
So I'm like "Oh. My. God.
Who's the bad driver now!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98f184/having_immigrated_at_1_and_been_raised_in_los/
%
Bill and Hillary Clinton are eating dinner in a town where there has been a recent outbreak of Mad Cow disease.

When the waiter comes to take their order, Bill asks for a steak.
“But sir, what about the Mad Cow?” the waiter asks, concerned.
“Don’t worry,” Bill replies, “she’ll order for herself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98f05o/bill_and_hillary_clinton_are_eating_dinner_in_a/
%
A granpda asks his just graduated grandchild

Grandpa: So what will you do for a living now that you earned your bachelor's degree?
Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract
Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98eye6/a_granpda_asks_his_just_graduated_grandchild/
%
Where do fish keep their money?

The river bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ey84/where_do_fish_keep_their_money/
%
The man who created autocorrect has died

Restaurant in piece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98euz0/the_man_who_created_autocorrect_has_died/
%
A child was sent to jail for staying up past his bedtime

He got charged with resisting arrest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98epbx/a_child_was_sent_to_jail_for_staying_up_past_his/
%
A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression

It's called Trycoxagain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98enuj/a_new_drug_has_been_developed_for_lesbians_with/
%
Superman got a divorce...

He can only see his kids with super vision now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98emiz/superman_got_a_divorce/
%
What do you call an islamic crime syndicate?

A gang bang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ejop/what_do_you_call_an_islamic_crime_syndicate/
%
What do you call a traffic avoiding droid?

R2-detour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ehyc/what_do_you_call_a_traffic_avoiding_droid/
%
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But i laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ehc5/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
%
I was replacing a light fixture outside our front door when suddenly the electricity shorted through my screwdriver and made me drop it. My wife opened the door and said, "I turned on the light so you can see better while you're working."

I was too shocked to reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98egwu/i_was_replacing_a_light_fixture_outside_our_front/
%
I confused a tube of super glue with a tube of lube

It was horrible. My model airplane kept slipping apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98eerm/i_confused_a_tube_of_super_glue_with_a_tube_of/
%
Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ed7r/why_dont_you_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
%
Son: Dad what do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Dad: Nobody Knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ea5a/son_dad_what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_body_and/
%
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a 23 year old blonde girl?

I don't have a Ferrari tied up in my garage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98e9j7/whats_the_difference_between_a_ferrari_and_a_23/
%
As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is flawless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98e8c8/as_a_german_you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
%
What does an Alaskan accountant and sociopath have in common?

They’re both cold and calculating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98e83y/what_does_an_alaskan_accountant_and_sociopath/
%
What do you call a group of Mexicans who hate black people?

the que que que

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98e2ld/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_mexicans_who_hate/
%
A little boy went up to his father and asked

"Daddy, if big people can have little people and big dogs can have little dogs, why can't big trains have small trains?" so his father replies, "I don't know son, why don't you ask your mother?"
So the child went to his mother, "Mommy, if big people can have little people and big dogs can have little dogs, why can't big trains have small trains?" so his mother replies, "That's a good question, why don't you ask a train conductor?"
Finally, the child went to a train conductor, "If big people can have little people and big dogs can have little dogs, why can't big trains have small trains?" and the conductor replies, "This is Amtrak son! we always pull out on time."
I can't take credit for this joke, I heard it at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98e1ac/a_little_boy_went_up_to_his_father_and_asked/
%
There was a kidnapping at School today

But it’s fine.
He woke up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98dwrs/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_school_today/
%
A missionary is treading the dangerous jungle...

He's been walking for weeks and has suffered mosquitoes, mud slides, leeches, dysentery and of course the unbearable heat and humidity. He's exhausted but in a few days he'll reach his destination.
Suddenly, a huge tiger leaps up from the bushes right in front of him. She's clearly hungry and approaches him menacingly. The missionary is at the limit of his reserves and if he tries to run he'll surely be mauled.
Without hesitation he drops on his knees and places his life in the hands of God:
"Oh Lord! Give this tiger christian values!" he exclaims, hoping the tiger will choose to not commit violence.
The clouds shift, a ray of light falls on the tiger and she immediately kneels exclaiming:
"Oh Lord! Bless this meal we are about to eat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98duqw/a_missionary_is_treading_the_dangerous_jungle/
%
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98dtgu/a_man_is_buying_a_banana_an_apple_and_two_eggs/
%
Waldo once insulted chuck norris

And we all know how that's going

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ds14/waldo_once_insulted_chuck_norris/
%
A frog goes to a bank.

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98dry9/a_frog_goes_to_a_bank/
%
A man is walking in the forest and finds a GIANT hole in the ground...

Wanting to see how deep it is, he finds a small stone and throws it in
He listens for it to land but doesn’t hear anything...
“Geez that’s deep” he thinks, and begins looking for for an even bigger stone to try with
He finds a good sized boulder and tosses it in..
Once again, he doesn’t hear anything
Dumbstruck he looks around and finally he finds this huge log which he manages to lug over and push in
While he’s listening for it to land, all of the sudden, this goat comes running like a bat out of hell and runs right past him and jumps right in the hole!
Shaken, scared, and feeling like he’s in the Twilight Zone, the man runs out of the forest
As he’s walking out, he comes across a farmer..
“Hey, just so you know, there is an absolute abyss in those woods back there” the man tells the farmer
“Never mind that, have you seen a goat by chance?” the farmer asks
“Uhhh, yes, as a matter of fact I did. In fact this goat ran as fast as you would ever imagine and jumped right in that hole I was talking about!!”
“Nah, that couldn’t have been my goat”, says the farmer.
“My goat was tied to a log”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98drj3/a_man_is_walking_in_the_forest_and_finds_a_giant/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexia Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98dmku/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98dkqz/when_batman_is_investigating_a_crime_the_most/
%
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian prince

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98dih4/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
%
Why is it so hard to read inscriptions in tombs?

Because it’s very cryptic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98deib/why_is_it_so_hard_to_read_inscriptions_in_tombs/
%
I got a new porno the other day

I turned on my tv, popped the disc in and the first thing I saw was some fat guy staring at me holding his dick.  Then I realized the tv didn't turn on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ddma/i_got_a_new_porno_the_other_day/
%
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98d936/fred_and_mary_got_married_but_cant_afford_a/
%
What's lighter on the top and darker on the bottom?

Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98d6er/whats_lighter_on_the_top_and_darker_on_the_bottom/
%
What is the objective of a Jewish football game?

To get the quarter back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98d60v/what_is_the_objective_of_a_jewish_football_game/
%
What did one gay sperm say to the other other gay sperm?

"How are we supposed to find an egg in all of this shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98d5z8/what_did_one_gay_sperm_say_to_the_other_other_gay/
%
Amsterdam is like the Tour de France

A bunch of people on drugs riding bicycles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98d4yv/amsterdam_is_like_the_tour_de_france/
%
What’s the most looked-for skill in Chinese office jobs?

Taiping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98d3bn/whats_the_most_lookedfor_skill_in_chinese_office/
%
Had a stupidly long receptionist shift today.

I worked from desk till dawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98d1y6/had_a_stupidly_long_receptionist_shift_today/
%
How many psychologist does it takes to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb itself needs to be willing to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98cz97/how_many_psychologist_does_it_takes_to_change_a/
%
Why go to university and get a degree?

When I can go to a corner and get 90 degrees!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98cyz7/why_go_to_university_and_get_a_degree/
%
Guy yells to a stranger across the river

"I need to get to the other side".
Stranger yells back, "You are on the other side".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98cx80/guy_yells_to_a_stranger_across_the_river/
%
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98cwl3/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Why does Atheist Jesus have low self esteem?

He doesn't believe in himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98cthr/why_does_atheist_jesus_have_low_self_esteem/
%
Why does moon rock taste better than earth rock?

Because it’s a little meteor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98cta5/why_does_moon_rock_taste_better_than_earth_rock/
%
I used to hate facial hair...

but then it grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98crm9/i_used_to_hate_facial_hair/
%
A man isn't feeling well, so he goes to the doctor's office.

The doctor takes blood and runs a few tests, takes a few other samples, and runs a few more tests. He finally finishes his diagnosis, and begins delivering the results.
"Sir," says the doctor, "I have good news, and bad news. Which would you like first?"
"Give me the good news, doc."
"Well, you're going to be famous!"
"Really? How's that?" Questions the man.
"They're going to name a disease after you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98cpf1/a_man_isnt_feeling_well_so_he_goes_to_the_doctors/
%
Man's sex life

When God created the earth, he gathered all the creatures around him before setting them out onto the firmament. He told the gathered assembly that he was granting each species 20 years of sex.
Man was horrified. Disappointed, he stood up and simply said, "Thank you Lord," before sitting back down.
Then the monkey stepped forward and said "Lord, we only live about 20 years, 10 years of sex is all we really need."
Right away man jumped up and said "Lord, can we have the monkey's other 10 years?" And the Lord said, "well, all right."
Next, the lion came forward and said "Lord, we appreciate your offer of 20 years, but 10 will do us just fine."
Again man jumped up asking God for the lions remaining 10 years and the Lord agreed.
Finally, the donkey stepped forward and said "Lord, we agree with the monkey and the lion. Ten years is plenty for us."
Man sprung to his feet to ask for the donkey's 10 years, God agreed to this too.. Man stood tall, proud that he was able to walk away with 50 years of sex.
And to this day, that explains why for 20 years, man has a good sex life, then spends 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lyin' about it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98covm/mans_sex_life/
%
What do children of anti-vaxxers and immortals have in common?

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98cmax/what_do_children_of_antivaxxers_and_immortals/
%
I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east

He told me prophets were going through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98cgx0/i_knew_a_guy_that_was_selling_exploding_prayer/
%
I went to the vet today and saw a baguette in a cage

It was bread in captivity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98cdun/i_went_to_the_vet_today_and_saw_a_baguette_in_a/
%
Q: Why do we have knee caps?

A: cuz TWO IS ENOUGH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ccj3/q_why_do_we_have_knee_caps/
%
Women playing golf goes to doctor

She tells the doctor while playing golf a bee stung her between the first hole and the second hole, the doctor replies “your stance is to wide”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98cbgn/women_playing_golf_goes_to_doctor/
%
There's this friend of mine who's really fake...

I can't tell if he's friend or faux.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98cava/theres_this_friend_of_mine_whos_really_fake/
%
I remember when I worked at the United Nations

And one day one of the secretaries asked me to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.
Of course, I called him immediately.
"Kofi" I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98c8jo/i_remember_when_i_worked_at_the_united_nations/
%
I made a joke about terrorists yesterday

It really blew up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98c8jp/i_made_a_joke_about_terrorists_yesterday/
%
I working on an indie film about premature ejaculation

It's coming soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98c85j/i_working_on_an_indie_film_about_premature/
%
An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheating. He mentions this to the little demon and suggests he could try to fix things. He also had a few ideas about redesigning the place to make it more efficient. The demon takes him to Lucifer, and Lucifer is enthusiastic about the whole idea and gives his permission.
A few months later God decides to visit Hell for an inspection. He is greeted by the new renovated Hell and he's absolutely speechless! The corridors are now well lit and properly ventilated. The air conditioning is working and the thermostat is fixed. The elevators are working again. There's no more loud noises of grinding and screeching coming from all the machinery. The lava spill has been contained. All the horrible fumes are now gone and the denizens of Hell use electric cars to travel. There's even a monorail being constructed. The electrical grid has gone geothermal. Cell coverage was full and there was even wifi. Not only that, but several clubs were under construction and there was already a kick-ass pool with attached jacuzzis. Some bulldozers were building a beach and a tropical-themed resort nearby. The condemned souls were enjoying their time playing sports in new gyms, walking in parks, racing with muscle cars, playing video games and doing all sorts of other activities.
God furiously works to Lucifer's office, kicks the door open and walks in
"What the hell is going on here Luci?"
"Well we got an engineer and he fixed the place up for us"
"You can't get engineers. Our contract clearly stipulates that all engineers belong with me in Heaven."
"Well too bad, I'm not giving him over"
"I'll take you to court you ungrateful bastard!"
"Ha, good luck finding a good lawyer up in your Heaven!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98c60p/an_engineer_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
What medication does a snake take before giving a presentation?

An antihissstamine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98c4c3/what_medication_does_a_snake_take_before_giving_a/
%
A lady walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"

The lady replies, "Fine....and how's your penis?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98c36j/a_lady_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_asks/
%
I'm opening a wine bar

Unlike other wine bars we will only sell wine that is not very old. The name of the place? Statutory Grape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98c2xy/im_opening_a_wine_bar/
%
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

A do-you-think-he-saw-us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98c1i9/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_with_one_eye/
%
If at first you don’t succeed....

Skydiving isn’t for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98c0qp/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
An Irishman visits the local church and enters the confessional.

The priest waits to hear his confession, but the man says nothing. After a few long minutes of silence the priest pounds on the partition.  A voice from the other side shouts, "No use in knocking, ain't no paper on this side either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98byxe/an_irishman_visits_the_local_church_and_enters/
%
Do you know what your brother said when he lost his virginity?

Son: " Dad, please don't "
Dad: " Exactly "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98bysm/do_you_know_what_your_brother_said_when_he_lost/
%
Can a ninja throw a star?

Sure he can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98bx2p/can_a_ninja_throw_a_star/
%
Imagine Dragons is doing a concert in Washington DC

They start singing Believer... "First things first I'ma say all the words inside my head"
"Challenge accepted" Donald Trump replies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98bwlz/imagine_dragons_is_doing_a_concert_in_washington/
%
What is the only thing the autocanabalist wanted to talk about?

How good his leg tastes... I mean honestly he is just so full of himself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98bvzg/what_is_the_only_thing_the_autocanabalist_wanted/
%
So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.
"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"
At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But out of my last 72
races. I've won 70 of them," says the greyhound smugly.
"Holy Fuck!" Exclaimed one of the horses. "A Talking Dog?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98bv9f/so_some_racehorses_are_chatting_in_the_stables/
%
The only thing flat earthers fear..

Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98bt5f/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
%
What did the doctor say when all of his clientele started going to the clinic across the street?

I’m losing my patience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98br3v/what_did_the_doctor_say_when_all_of_his_clientele/
%
Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98bqx4/why_did_the_rooster_cross_the_basketball_court/
%
I invited my girlfriend to the gym with me and didn't turn up.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98bo46/i_invited_my_girlfriend_to_the_gym_with_me_and/
%
There's only one thing worse than finding a lobster on your piano

Crabs on your organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98blqq/theres_only_one_thing_worse_than_finding_a/
%
While having a bath, a woman hears the doorbell.

"Who is it?" The woman asks.
"It's me! Your blind neighbour!" Replies a manly voice.
The woman thinks to herself "well if it's the blind man, I don't need to put anything on." And opens the door naked.
The blind man in complete shock says "I..... I just came here to tell you that my operation was successful and I can see everything now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98bjrj/while_having_a_bath_a_woman_hears_the_doorbell/
%
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

Maneuvering the wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98bip8/whats_the_hardest_part_about_eating_a_vegetable/
%
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night

My next poop could spell, Disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98bdkc/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_scrabble_tiles_last/
%
A dick has a sad life

His hair is a mess, his life is nuts, his next door neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him regularly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98baid/a_dick_has_a_sad_life/
%
My grandpa just walked into the room with a young man wearing skinny jeans and a beard.

I said, “Who is this, grandpa?”
Grandpa: He’s my hip replacement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98bac5/my_grandpa_just_walked_into_the_room_with_a_young/
%
A group of children are sitting in a circle around the teacher

Teacher: it’s time for Sex Ed
Ed: what the fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98b7k3/a_group_of_children_are_sitting_in_a_circle/
%
Why don't crabs donate to charity?

They're shellfish penny pinchers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98b2ee/why_dont_crabs_donate_to_charity/
%
I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98b1wk/i_once_thought_i_had_a_japanese_friend/
%
What is a sexual offender that lurks on Reddit called?

A predditor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98b1qi/what_is_a_sexual_offender_that_lurks_on_reddit/
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Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?

Because she grew out of her B-shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98b1c2/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_sea_shells/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
^*Why ^yes ^I ^AM ^a ^dad. ^Why ^do ^you ^ask?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98b01g/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
Why does Subway call its employees Sandwich Artists?

So you can finally say you are earning money as an artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98atpa/why_does_subway_call_its_employees_sandwich/
%
How do you find out what self hate feels like?

Ashkenazi Jew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98arhi/how_do_you_find_out_what_self_hate_feels_like/
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A convicted thief comes out of court and calls his wife:

-What did they say, Rob?
-Either 3 years in prison or $100,000
-Don't be stupid, take the money!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ar8s/a_convicted_thief_comes_out_of_court_and_calls/
%
What’s the difference between the USA and a yoghurt?

If you leave the yoghurt alone for over 200 years, there is going to be some sort of culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98aqn4/whats_the_difference_between_the_usa_and_a_yoghurt/
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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98al3s/after_my_joke_last_week_about_the_holy_quran/
%
Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.
At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.
He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off.
He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.
The cop was dumbfounded.
'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.
'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the DD...Designated Decoy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ajy1/excuse_me_sir_how_much_have_you_had_to_drink/
%
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street...

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I'm terribly sorry, sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.
Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. But
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ahq2/the_world_expert_on_european_wasps_and_the_sounds/
%
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ahka/a_buddhist_monk_goes_to_a_barber_to_have_his_head/
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I studied Suicide in college but didn't pass the final...

I only got hesitation marks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ahgv/i_studied_suicide_in_college_but_didnt_pass_the/
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I saved a fortune by not vaccinating my child.

Which was fortunate, because kids funerals don’t come cheap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ah8p/i_saved_a_fortune_by_not_vaccinating_my_child/
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Daughter loses her first tooth

Wife : "Honey see this, our daughter lost her first tooth"
Husband : "yeah I know, she probably won't touch my PlayStation again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98agp9/daughter_loses_her_first_tooth/
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The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father.
Safe to say, when the whale awoke, he was distraught. He swam and swam, searching everywhere, but to no avail. 'WHERE IS MY SON' he bellowed, disturbing fish everywhere. This distress caught the attention of a wise old sea turtle.
'I saw your son', said the turtle swimming over to the whale, 'he was kidnapped by krill. I think I can take you to him'
Grateful, the whale accepted this offer, and the pair set out, searching hastily. After many hours of fruitless looking, they came to a large white cloud, and they came to a stop. The turtle looked sombre.
'I have bad news', he said mournfully. 'The krill have used their surprisingly adequate war skills once again. They have lactated so much, that they have created this giant, impenetrable white cloud. It's so wide, so high, so thick. I'm so sorry, but it's over.'
The whale would not accept this. 'I'll swim through it! He said'
'No', returned the turtle. The milk is bizarrely poisonous for whales.
'Okay then, we'll wait for it to disperse, then we can go after them again!', the wale countered
'It will take days!' cried the turtle. The cloud is miles wide, and miles thick. There's no hope.
'Alright then, can't I go over it, can't I even look over it?', the whale nearly sobbed in desperation.
The turtle looked him dead in the eye. 'You don't understand. There's no use spying over krill milk'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ads9/the_scariest_and_most_feared_whale_in_the_entire/
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A man and his wife play a board game, the man beats her.

Because she won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98adct/a_man_and_his_wife_play_a_board_game_the_man/
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In remembrance of my grandmother on the 5 year anniversary of her death, her favorite joke:

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender takes one look at the bear and says "we don't serve beer to bears at this bar." Incredulous, the bear growls and demands a beer a second time. Again, the bartender states "we do not serve beer to bears at this bar!" At his wit's end, the bear grabs a female bar patron in his mouth and commences to eat her alive. Calmly, the bartender says "not only do we not serve beer to bears at this bar, but we also do not serve bears on drugs." The bear, flabbergasted, exclaims "I've never touched a drug in my life!" To which the bartender replies, "Well, that was a barbituate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ad0y/in_remembrance_of_my_grandmother_on_the_5_year/
%
What's easier to pick up the heavier it is?

Women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98ab5t/whats_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_is/
%
A catholic girl goes to the confessional to tell her sins to the priest.

Girl: Father, I came here today because I have sinned.
Priest: Go on, tell me.
Girl: While my mother went to the market yesterday...
Priest: Go on.
Girl: A boy saw me walking on the street...
Priest: Go on.
Girl: I brought him back to our house...
Priest: Go on.
Girl: I laid on the bed with him...
Priest: Go on.
Girl: He took off my panties...
Priest: Go on
Girl: And then my mom came back home and saw us.
Priest: For fuck's sake!! Why couldn't your mother wait a little longer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98a9if/a_catholic_girl_goes_to_the_confessional_to_tell/
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What does Gordon Ramsey say when you show him cute animal pictures on reddit?

It's fucking r/aww!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98a7gy/what_does_gordon_ramsey_say_when_you_show_him/
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What is Hades' favorite form of transportation?

Pogo Styx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98a7ek/what_is_hades_favorite_form_of_transportation/
%
(O.C.?) Gay men hate being called Richard...

Because they prefer Dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98a35w/oc_gay_men_hate_being_called_richard/
%
How to fall down the stairs.

Step 1.
Step 2.
Step 3.
Step 5.
Step 8.
Step 13.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98a0cn/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
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I once knew a scientist that tried to clone a donkey using his own DNA...

Everyone in his field said it couldn't be done. Needless to say, he made an ass out of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/989whi/i_once_knew_a_scientist_that_tried_to_clone_a/
%
Why was the scarecrow promoted?

He was out standing in his field
Heard this from my brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/989web/why_was_the_scarecrow_promoted/
%
My doctor has advised me to start running.

I'm not sick or anything. I've just been sleeping with his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/989uux/my_doctor_has_advised_me_to_start_running/
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I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/989t2x/im_going_through_a_divorce_at_the_moment_and_my/
%
The man who invented autocorrect,

should burn in hello.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/989qbj/the_man_who_invented_autocorrect/
%
Did you hear about the Dole truck that crashed?

It was speeding down the interstate going 20 over the speed limit with a bunch of monkeys hanging off the side when suddenly it lost control and crashed, spilling the contents of it's trailer across all four lanes blocking traffic for hours.
It was bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/989mvs/did_you_hear_about_the_dole_truck_that_crashed/
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I've been putting margarine on my cut for a week now but there's been no improvement at all.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/989mlc/ive_been_putting_margarine_on_my_cut_for_a_week/
%
I don't understand all the hate for Windows 10.

It's a lot better than you guys mak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/989mag/i_dont_understand_all_the_hate_for_windows_10/
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The reason Jesus hasn’t returned yet

Is because his people are actually worshipping the instrument of his death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/989haz/the_reason_jesus_hasnt_returned_yet/
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What do you call a vegetarian child, born in a whorehouse?

A Brothel sprout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/989h23/what_do_you_call_a_vegetarian_child_born_in_a/
%
Some girls like bukkake

Let’s face it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/989gre/some_girls_like_bukkake/
%
Why isn't anyone afraid of ghost bees?

Because everyone loves Boo Bees!
I'm sure someone thought of this first but I don't remember hearing it before and it popped into my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/989f5e/why_isnt_anyone_afraid_of_ghost_bees/
%
What does a vegetarian Zombie eat ?

GRAINS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/989cmc/what_does_a_vegetarian_zombie_eat/
%
Cop: Turn Around

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round
Cop: TURN AROUND!
Me: Every now.....
\*gets tased*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/989aes/cop_turn_around/
%
So this guy sends his dad a hooker for his 80th birthday..

She bangs on the door and he opens it. Squinting at her he asks what she wants. She's replies that she's there for super sex. He says,  I'll take the soup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98975x/so_this_guy_sends_his_dad_a_hooker_for_his_80th/
%
Duck.

A woman walks into a psychiatrist's office with a duck on her head.
The psychiatrist asks, "Can I help you?"
The duck says, "Yeah. Get this woman off my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9896sl/duck/
%
Give a man a jacket and he can go outside..

Teach him to jacket and he'll never leave the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9895u8/give_a_man_a_jacket_and_he_can_go_outside/
%
What is St. Paul's favorite snack?

Minneapples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98954g/what_is_st_pauls_favorite_snack/
%
What’s a Pirates favourite letter?

You may think it’s R, matey, but it be the C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9894yd/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
%
Two beavers are looking over a river.

One turns to the other and says, "Dam it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/988zxt/two_beavers_are_looking_over_a_river/
%
Mr. Pineapple and his Honey Melon are berry in love..

"Sweety, we are ripe for a wedding! Let's invite olive our fruity friends!"
"Are you sure we cantaloupe?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/988zag/mr_pineapple_and_his_honey_melon_are_berry_in_love/
%
Even when I put my phone in airplane mode, it only flies as far as I throw it.

(Original Content)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/988xfz/even_when_i_put_my_phone_in_airplane_mode_it_only/
%
You know your kids are lazy

When they play "the furniture is lava"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/988x4k/you_know_your_kids_are_lazy/
%
A person that knows how to change a tire.

Is a very well rounded individual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/988w2y/a_person_that_knows_how_to_change_a_tire/
%
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow?

It was making headlines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/988o7j/have_you_heard_about_the_corduroy_pillow/
%
As a kid in the '70s, a lot of my schoolmates expressed surprise to learn I had a single mother.

I didn't know it was that common to have more than one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/988g1g/as_a_kid_in_the_70s_a_lot_of_my_schoolmates/
%
Feed a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.

Feed a fish a man, and SeaWorld bans you for the rest of your life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/988bdj/feed_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
%
I found the perfect addition to any kitchen. Blend, mix, chop...even bake!

It's called a wife.
Ow! Dammit, that hurt! Apparently can throw really well too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9885mc/i_found_the_perfect_addition_to_any_kitchen_blend/
%
Have you heard the one about the horse that no look so good? [Long]

In 1980, a man is driving through the south Arizona desert on his way from Florida to California on business. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere his car starts to sputter, steam billows from the hood and the car comes to a stop on the edge of the road.
As he gets out he inspects the car and comes to the conclusion that he's SOL without a mechanic and decides to walk. After a couple hours of seeing nothing but desert in all directions he eyes some farn animals and a small homestead in the distance. As he approaches the farm he can clearly make out the form of a person. He runs with joy up to the man and can now see that he's an elderly Mexican gentleman.
He approaches the man, asks for some water and is granted it. After explaining what happened and receiving some responses of understanding in broken English, he looks over the nearby fence and sees a strong looking work horse pulling a plow. He looks to the man and says "Sir, is that your horse?"
The elderly man offers an affirmative nod and is met with another inquiry.
"Sir, will you sell me that horse? I could use it to ride to a nearby town and get a mechanic to fix my car."
The Mexican man takes a second and says "No, no. I can not sell. That horse no look so good."
"What do you mean?" The businessman replies. "I can see from here that he's a healthy, strong horse. Let me buy him from you."
The Mexican man again responds with "No, I no sell. That horse no look so good. Is bad horse."
The man, insistent at this point says "I'll give you all the money in my pocket, two thousand dollars for that horse."
The Mexican man stops and thinks for a second, putting his finger to his chin and finally says "O.k. I sell you horse."
The two make the exchange and the man rides off into the distance on the horse.
Six hours go by and the sun is beginning to set when from the west, silhouetted by the setting sun, the Mexican farmer can see the outline of a person making his way towards the farm. As he approaches, he recognizes the businessman who bought his horse. The man approaches the farmer, bloodied, clothes torn and very angry looking. He struts up to the Mexican man and says
"What the hell you backwater prick, that stupid horse walked itself with my ass on it right off a cliff right after I left with it!"
The Mexican looks the man in the eye and says
"I try to tell you! The horse no look so good!"
(Told to me last night by a drunken friend. Sorry if repost).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9884nn/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_horse_that_no/
%
What is a slut's favorite thing to eat?

5 guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/987zkq/what_is_a_sluts_favorite_thing_to_eat/
%
What‘s an Emos favorite sub?

/wrists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/987z8a/whats_an_emos_favorite_sub/
%
Four guys are out golfing and as the foresome is about to tee off, one of they guys excuses himself to take a piss. As the other three are waiting for him, they start talking.

The first guy says, "my son is doing so well that he just gave his best friend an entire stock portfolio." Being a very impressive gift, the others obviously have to one-up him.
The second guy says, "well, my son is doing so well that he just bought his best friend a brand new Mercedes."  Indeed, even more impressive. Then the third guy says, "yeah, well my son is doing so well that he just bought his best friend a brand new house."
Just then the fourth guy returns and asks what everyone has been talking about so they tell him. He says, "well, my son works as a go-go dancer in a gay bar and I don't know how he does it, but he just got a large stock portfolio, a new Mercedes, and a new house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/987yi4/four_guys_are_out_golfing_and_as_the_foresome_is/
%
What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/987w8h/what_does_a_priest_put_on_salad/
%
The Nazis really wasted so much money and effort on a racist motive which made no sense

It truly was a hollow cost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/987sam/the_nazis_really_wasted_so_much_money_and_effort/
%
A drunk old Irish man told me this one...

A man, a pig and his dog are marooned on a deserted island. After a couple of months in isolation the man becomes lonely and begins getting ideas about the pig. But every time he tries it on with the pig, the dog would start biting his leg and barking at him.
One day the man spots a beautiful woman floating on a raft out in the sea. He swims out as fast as he can and rescues her, and brings her onshore. The woman is overwhelmed with gratitude for him and says
“Thank you for saving me, I will do anything you want”.
With a cheeky glint in his eye, delighted with this offer, the man eagerly says
“Brilliant! You see that dog? Go take him for a feckin walk”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/987r3g/a_drunk_old_irish_man_told_me_this_one/
%
Baby Skunk.

Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in Wisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car. Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was laying in the road. She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a baby skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.
Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
Dave says, "Okay, get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to keep it warm?
"Put it between your legs. It ought to be nice and warm there."
Anne says, "But what about the smell?"
"Just hold his little nose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/987lup/baby_skunk/
%
Why are newer lightbulbs smarter than older lightbulbs?

Because they’re brighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/987l4w/why_are_newer_lightbulbs_smarter_than_older/
%
Autocorrect has friend zoned me.

It said that it loves me like a brothel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/987l1g/autocorrect_has_friend_zoned_me/
%
Some people are like slinkies.

They're totally useless, but they can still put a smile on your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/987fif/some_people_are_like_slinkies/
%
How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Preferably three, but toucan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/987cv1/how_many_birds_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What do you call an Eevee that gets straight As in school?

A valedictoreon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/987che/what_do_you_call_an_eevee_that_gets_straight_as/
%
Your debt will always stay with you...

If you can't budge it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/987bdh/your_debt_will_always_stay_with_you/
%
Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card

She’s not sick, I just think she could get better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98799j/got_my_girlfriend_a_get_better_soon_card/
%
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9873xh/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
%
I was laying in my hotel room bed, naked and spread eagle, when the cleaning lady comes in.

Finally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9872ll/i_was_laying_in_my_hotel_room_bed_naked_and/
%
What are the toughest 4 years of a football player's life?

5th grade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9870ii/what_are_the_toughest_4_years_of_a_football/
%
Doctor: What's your sign?

Patient: Cancer
Doctor: Well, what a coincidence...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986xa0/doctor_whats_your_sign/
%
I started working for a pizza company

I don't enjoy it, I just knead the dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986wvx/i_started_working_for_a_pizza_company/
%
Every good camper knows that to start a fire you need tinder.

So I installed the Tinder app. Still no fire, though. I can't seem to get any matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986wu6/every_good_camper_knows_that_to_start_a_fire_you/
%
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

A reminder that there are worse things in life than dying alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986to2/my_best_friends_marriage_is_such_an_inspiration/
%
What travels around the world but stays in a corner?

A stamp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986tdv/what_travels_around_the_world_but_stays_in_a/
%
A teacher is giving a lesson when suddenly she hears someone scream outside the classroom.

She rushes out the door to find one of her students on the ground crying.
Teacher: Oh my God, what happened?!
Student: Someone just pulled a gun on me and tried to rob me!
Teacher: Oh my God, are you okay?
Student: Yes. All they took was my homework.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986rfv/a_teacher_is_giving_a_lesson_when_suddenly_she/
%
A blonde gets pulled over for speeding

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The officer replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the officer. "Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986mr7/a_blonde_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
Don't you just hate it when med students call themselves doctors?

I mean you don't see engineering students calling themselves engineers or arts
students calling themselves baristas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986lq7/dont_you_just_hate_it_when_med_students_call/
%
Your mom is very attractive...

...mainly due to her massive gravitational pull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986lky/your_mom_is_very_attractive/
%
I've got a trophy girlfriend.

I keep her locked in one of my cabinets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986kgz/ive_got_a_trophy_girlfriend/
%
Genius Boyfriend

A worried father confronted his daughter one night.
'I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough, common and bloody stupid.'
'Oh no, Daddy.' the daughter replied, 'Fred's ever so clever!'
'Amuse me', the father said.
'Well, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986k55/genius_boyfriend/
%
What did the Power Ranger say after becoming a Junkie?

Its Morphine time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986jhl/what_did_the_power_ranger_say_after_becoming_a/
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What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

The pickpocket snatches your watch. The peeping tom does the opposite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986ifu/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
%
What’s a roman’s favorite sex position?

LXIX

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986h8e/whats_a_romans_favorite_sex_position/
%
What did the fireman say when he walked into the burning strip club?

Where my hose at?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/986b94/what_did_the_fireman_say_when_he_walked_into_the/
%
What's the difference between a pencil and a feminist?

The pencil has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9865k1/whats_the_difference_between_a_pencil_and_a/
%
Did you hear about the guy with a lazy eye whose girlfriend broke up with him?

He was seeing another girl on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9864w4/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_a_lazy_eye_whose/
%
White woman takes a black guy home from the bar

Once they step into her house:
Woman: (shyly) So...is true what they say about black guys?
Black guy:  Yes.
Then he stabs her and steals her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9862fc/white_woman_takes_a_black_guy_home_from_the_bar/
%
Saw a documentary on Russian roulette

It was mind blowing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/985z20/saw_a_documentary_on_russian_roulette/
%
If you want to hang yourself and still need a rope...

... take the one without any customer reviews. It should be the best for the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/985pxg/if_you_want_to_hang_yourself_and_still_need_a_rope/
%
The reason the nazis never conquered Brazil

Because they all knew jew jitsu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/985lkx/the_reason_the_nazis_never_conquered_brazil/
%
Some people call me a creep who fondles his balls in public.

I just say I'm well adjusted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/985keo/some_people_call_me_a_creep_who_fondles_his_balls/
%
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?

You can lead a Norse to water but you can’t make him sink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/985g2g/why_were_the_vikings_such_good_sailors/
%
A Mexican man who spoke no Emglish went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/985ddv/a_mexican_man_who_spoke_no_emglish_went_into_a/
%
After visiting the US, a Tibetan monk made the mistake of meditating on his flight home.

He transcended to another plane and ended up in Albuquerque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/985bl3/after_visiting_the_us_a_tibetan_monk_made_the/
%
A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish

Warden: Do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: No sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: Your pet fish? How's that?
Man: Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: Here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: Well this I got to see!! 5 minutes later...
Warden: Well??
Man: What?
Warden: The fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: What fish??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/985bjo/a_man_get_stopped_by_a_game_warden_with_his/
%
A cop, a firefighter, and a bureaucrat are at a elementary school career day...

The cop brags, “I’m the fastest one out of the three. I can respond to a threat in one minute”
The firefighter says, “That’s nothing, I can run into a burning building and rescue someone in 30 seconds”
The bureaucrat responds, “pfff, I can work 9-5 and be home by 2”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/985ake/a_cop_a_firefighter_and_a_bureaucrat_are_at_a/
%
Yo mama so fat

She broke the branches on the family tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9857um/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
I used to read shampoo bottles while on the toilet..

But now with smartphones I can just take a picture of the bottle and read it anywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9850jv/i_used_to_read_shampoo_bottles_while_on_the_toilet/
%
A boy walks up to his grandpa eating pie

Boy: Grandpa can I have some of your pie?
Grandpa: Does your dick touch your asshole?
Boy: No
Grandpa: Then you can't have any of my pie
The next day the boy walks up to his grandpa eating chips
Boy: Grandpa can I have some of your chips?
Grandpa: Does your dick touch your asshole?
Boy: No...
Grandpa: Then you can't have any of my chips
A few days later the boy is eating a bunch of cookies and his grandpa walks up to him
Grandpa: can I have some of your cookies?
Boy: Does your dick touch your asshole?
Grandpa: Yes
Boy: Well then you can go fuck yourself because grandma made these cookies for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/984yef/a_boy_walks_up_to_his_grandpa_eating_pie/
%
Got fired from my government job today

They said I was too efficient

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/984s5p/got_fired_from_my_government_job_today/
%
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide

The librarian said "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/984nmy/a_man_went_into_a_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
%
Silence is golden...

... duct tape is silver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/984kxh/silence_is_golden/
%
Two brothers, one good, one bad, go the Heaven.

John the good brother sees his brother Tom walking with a gorgeous blonde and carrying a jug of whiskey.  He runs up to him and asks how he ended up with a jug of whiskey and a gorgeous blonde after a life of debauchery and drunkenness.
John's sad reply was, "the jugs got a hole in it and the blonde doesn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/984k75/two_brothers_one_good_one_bad_go_the_heaven/
%
I don't think women should have kids after 40.

40 is way too many!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/984gck/i_dont_think_women_should_have_kids_after_40/
%
I got a car for my girlfriend

best trade ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/984fvy/i_got_a_car_for_my_girlfriend/
%
Did you hear about the man who overdosed on Viagra?

They couldn’t close his casket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/984d1c/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_overdosed_on_viagra/
%
What’s the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/984bih/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_station/
%
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks

. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9849rn/a_guy_was_walking_to_a_bar_and_on_his_way_he/
%
I have the body of a god

It’s a shame it’s Buddha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9848lz/i_have_the_body_of_a_god/
%
On Death Row

Guard: what do you want for your last meal?
Woman prisoner: I don’t know, what do you want?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9848el/on_death_row/
%
Did you hear about the cow that swallowed the dynamite?

It was abominable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9846w6/did_you_hear_about_the_cow_that_swallowed_the/
%
[NSFW] A teacher is showing her class how to associate colors with flavors.

She gives Sally a green Lifesaver. Sally pops into her mouth and says, "it's lime!"
The teacher says, "very good." And hands Timmy a red Lifesaver.
Timmy tastes it and says, "it's strawberry!"
The teacher says,"correct." Next she gives Billy a brown, honey flavored Lifesaver.
Billy tries it and can't figure it out. The teacher says, "I'll give you a hint. Sometimes your mommy may call your daddy this."
Little Johnny stands up and screams, "Spit it out, it's an asshole!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9843sd/nsfw_a_teacher_is_showing_her_class_how_to/
%
How many Narcissists does it take to screw a bulb?

Just one. They hold the bulb and the whole world revolves around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9842ld/how_many_narcissists_does_it_take_to_screw_a_bulb/
%
What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You can't hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9840zt/whats_the_difference_between_a_hormone_and_an/
%
What do plants do when one of their friends is sad?

They Photosympathize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983ym7/what_do_plants_do_when_one_of_their_friends_is_sad/
%
Little Mary asks her mother: “Mum, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?”

A tad bit confused, her mother replies: “Mary, what do you mean by that?”
“Well”, Mary says. “This afternoon, I saw the maid laying on the kitchen table with her legs up. She was screaming: “Oh God, oh Lord, I’m coming, I’m coming!” Thankfully, daddy was laying right on top of her to stop her from going!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983wc8/little_mary_asks_her_mother_mum_why_do_people_go/
%
Statistics say that 85% of gay men are simply born homosexuals

The rest are sucked into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983tzu/statistics_say_that_85_of_gay_men_are_simply_born/
%
A woman was having surgery

to have her left leg amputated, due to gangrene.    Unfortunately, the doctor mistakenly removed her right leg.
Realising his mistake while she was still under anaesthesia, he proceeded to remove her left leg.
Later on, she sued the doctor for malpractice, but the jury did not come back in her favor.
They said she didn't have a leg to stand on!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983sxz/a_woman_was_having_surgery/
%
See to find out

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983r16/see_to_find_out/
%
Man wanting to commit suicide

So a man in his mid 40's just got fired from his job as a watch salesman. He goes home in his broken down car to break the news to his wife only to find out that she's been cheating on him with his extremely successful best friend. "Thats it" he thinks and jumps out his window. Unfortunately he lands on his car and survives. As a last ditch effort he reaches into his pocket to pull out his gun, but instead, he accidentally pulls out his phone to see that he's recieved a message from a good friend of his. The message reads "i heard that you lost your job, why don't you come down to italy. I'll introduce you to my boss, and maybe we can get you some work". The man, pumped up with newfound hope, grabs the first ticket he can find and travels all the way down to italy. On the way there, his plane breaks down and crashes on a deserted island. The man however, does not let this stop him and swims untill he sees a boat which carries him to italy. He then grabs a ride in the back of a broken down European car. Finally after hours of travel he reaches the hotel that his friend is staying at and asks the lady at the front if his friend is in, she replies "no, but he was expecting you. He's just gone down to that public congregation in town". Not wanting to wait the man goes down to the congregation where he sees his friend's boss, but he can't seem to find his friend. He walks over to the boss with nervous energy. Wanting to make a good first impression, he thinks of something funny to say. So he goes up to the boss, whos staring at the stage, and says " who the fuck is that standing on the stage with dave".
Needless to say 2 men died that day one from a heart attack and the other, shortly after, from a self induced gun shot to the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983qt5/man_wanting_to_commit_suicide/
%
Three Jewish women having lunch in a restaurant...

Waiter approaches and asks, "Is anything OK here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983psa/three_jewish_women_having_lunch_in_a_restaurant/
%
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?

To find a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983ou8/why_did_the_walrus_go_to_the_tupperware_party/
%
To the guy who's been tailgating my dad's car for the past hour

Fuck off, like seriously. My dad's already driving 30KPH over the speed limit
Also, turn off those flashing red and blue lights. They look ridiculous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983mub/to_the_guy_whos_been_tailgating_my_dads_car_for/
%
Someone at a BDSM convention asked me what investments he should make

I told them to invest in stocks and bonds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983kv9/someone_at_a_bdsm_convention_asked_me_what/
%
What is the one good thing about child molesters?

They drive slowly in the school zones!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983j7c/what_is_the_one_good_thing_about_child_molesters/
%
My bartender asked me if I wanted my whiskey without ice.

I said "Sure. That'd be neat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983ec4/my_bartender_asked_me_if_i_wanted_my_whiskey/
%
My doctor gave me a month to live.

I said, "Well, which month is it? My wife's birthday's in 31 days and I need to know if it's worth buying a present."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983cvu/my_doctor_gave_me_a_month_to_live/
%
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he has ever read!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983cdk/i_bought_my_blind_friend_a_cheese_grater_for_his/
%
Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?

So she could moan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983att/why_did_helen_keller_only_masturbate_with_one_hand/
%
If a 100 ton Brachiosaurus stepped on you...

Youd be deeply impressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983atg/if_a_100_ton_brachiosaurus_stepped_on_you/
%
TIL that dinosaurs used hot springs to take baths

But as time advanced they moved onto meteor showers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/983ahd/til_that_dinosaurs_used_hot_springs_to_take_baths/
%
Q. I have a neck, but no head, and I wear a cap. What am I?

A. A bottle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9839ln/q_i_have_a_neck_but_no_head_and_i_wear_a_cap_what/
%
A women gets shot 3 times while pregnant...

They immediately rush her to the hospital and find out she is pregnant for triplets, two girls and one boy. Miraculously she and her babies survive but the doctor says bullets are embedded in the triplets and they might not survive the surgery to remove it. Doctor assures the mother that the babies would born healthy even if they didn't remove the bullets and they would pass on the bullets like kidney stones when they reach their teens and they decide to leave it at that. Few days later, she gives birth and just as the doctor said triplets are as healthy as they could be. Years and years go by, while one of the girls was peeing, she hears a thunk sound and sees a metal object and asks her mother about it. She remembers what the doctor had said and says "it is fine, it is nothing to worry about", she already knew that this would happen and explains why it happened. The other girl comes looking puzzled and says "Mom, I was taking shower and when I tried to reach the soap a peace of metal came out of me!" but the mother assures her that "it is fine, don't worry about it" and explains again. But then the son come in running and screaming "Mom! Mom!", their mother had just enough of this and she says "it is fine, it is normal" and just as she was about the explain son yells "It isn't fine! I was masturbating and I shot our dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9838xe/a_women_gets_shot_3_times_while_pregnant/
%
If you ever feel like your life is without purpose

Just know there’s a guy at the BMW factory who installs turn signals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9838ml/if_you_ever_feel_like_your_life_is_without_purpose/
%
Two priests, Fathers Mike and Dave, are playing golf

Mike had been having an awesome day, while Dave, on the other hand, had not. Every time he teed off he'd slice the ball and shout "Dangit! I missed! Dangit dangit dangit!" along with other profanities not fit for a priest.
Mike, being level-headed, advised Dave that he needed to calm down, it was just a game, and to relax.
The next hole Dave tees off. Another terrible hit. "I missed! I missed again! Dangit dangit dangit!"
Mike, again advised Dave to take it easy. This pattern repeated until the 18th hole when suddenly Mike was struck by lightning. Dave, being very confused, just stood there shocked. Then he heard a voice above him say "Dangit! I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9837rw/two_priests_fathers_mike_and_dave_are_playing_golf/
%
Why are rich british people fat?

because they measure their wealth in pounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9837lt/why_are_rich_british_people_fat/
%
A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

"A'right! The perfect opportunity!" cried the Scotsman, who lifted his kilt and leapt on the backside of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he was satisfied.
Smiling, the Scotsman smoothed out his kilt and turned to the Newfie. "Go on," he said, "It's your turn."
"Okay!" said the Newfie, and stuck his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9831qs/a_scotsman_and_a_newfie_were_walking_down_the/
%
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9830yx/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
Biggest guy I've ever seen

So I was on my way to the bank to ask for a loan.  I got into the elevator and it stops on the second floor.  As the doors open a huge man ducks down to get into the elevator.  I gulp and attempt to ask what floor? A hand the size of a diner plate reaches over and hits the close door button. This giant is going to my floor! I attempt not to make eye contact, or even look his way.  I continue as the elevator struggles to lift us up.
He catches me trying to size him up in the reflection off the doors.  He lets out a huge sigh. Speaks to me in what can only be described as thunder rolling through the sky.
I awake on the floor of the elevator, struggling to breathe. His massive hand covering my face as he attempts to revive me.
I finally say,  "what did you say?"
He says, "I noticed you trying no to look at me,  but I know the questions were coming,  I'm 7'2" 420 pounds, size 19 shoe, 9 inches long,  Turner Brown."
"Oh thank God, I thought you said turn around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/982y3o/biggest_guy_ive_ever_seen/
%
How is sex like air?

It's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/982wtv/how_is_sex_like_air/
%
A good looking young woman walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for a double entendre

So he gives it to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/982uf3/a_good_looking_young_woman_walks_into_a_bar_and/
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A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.
The people there told him:
"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.
The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.
When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said:
"I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her"
Man: Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I'm not about to take that risk with your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/982rbu/a_man_goes_on_vacation_to_israel_with_his_wife/
%
What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/982pqf/whats_it_called_when_a_chameleon_cant_change_its/
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A homeless man passed out while walking in front of a McDonald's.

Everyone around surrounded the man to see what could be done to help him.
A woman from the crowd yelled: " Bring him water and splash some of it on his face!"
The man opened his eyes immediately and said: "Hey! If I needed water I would've passed out in front of Aquafina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/982n0z/a_homeless_man_passed_out_while_walking_in_front/
%
What did the titanic say before it sank?

I nominate all of my passengers for the ALS Icebucket Challenge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/982khm/what_did_the_titanic_say_before_it_sank/
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A child ask his mother: "Did you know our maid was an angel?"

Mom: Why do you say that?
Child: Well yesterday she was in the kitchen with both her hands in the air and she was screaming : "Oh my God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"
If dad wasn't there to hold her waist, she would have gone straight to heaven!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/982kbm/a_child_ask_his_mother_did_you_know_our_maid_was/
%
The worst thing about ad-libs...

Is that they are _____.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/982hcx/the_worst_thing_about_adlibs/
%
What's the first thing you should do when Nicki Minaj dies?

Turn the radio back on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/982ayz/whats_the_first_thing_you_should_do_when_nicki/
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Gay jokes aren't funny

Come on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9829y7/gay_jokes_arent_funny/
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A duck walks into a bar....

... jumps up on the bar top and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
Bartender yella  "No! This is a bar you dumb duck. "
The duck walks away.
The next day the duck jumps back up on the the bar top and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
Bartender replies,  "No!! Now go away!"
The thrid day the same duck jumps on the bar top, but before he can speak the bartender says,  " Before you open your beak, just know this.  If you ask for grapes again,  I will nail your feet to bar!"
The duck sits and ponders before he speaks and asks, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender replies "No,  this is a bar.  We do not have any nails. "
So the duck asks, "Do you have any grapes?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9829cs/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/982997/communism_jokes_are_not_funny/
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My last time having sex was like the 100m sprint

There were 6 black guys and a gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98293s/my_last_time_having_sex_was_like_the_100m_sprint/
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Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9827py/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_hell_fly_for_a_day/
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My parents don’t understand my generation joking about committing suicide and said I wasn’t allowed to...

Me: all my friends do it
Parents: if all you’re friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too
Me: ok it’s bad enough that you won’t let me joke about it but you don’t need to be a hypocrite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/982580/my_parents_dont_understand_my_generation_joking/
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Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9824ku/soap/
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What is something the make a wish foundation can't give the children?

A future

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/982368/what_is_something_the_make_a_wish_foundation_cant/
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Tyrone comes home from 1st grade and tells his mom they played a "Who has a bigger penis game" at recess.

He told his mom that he had the biggest one, but all the kids said it wasn't fair because he was black.
"Mom?", he asked, "Is my penis bigger because I'm black?"
"Oh honey", replied his mom, "It's not because you're black. It's because you're 23."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9822rz/tyrone_comes_home_from_1st_grade_and_tells_his/
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Team lunch at the steakhouse

To celebrate the close of a good fiscal year, the company's CEO takes his team of accountants out for a fancy lunch.
The waiter comes by and asks, "Are you ready to order?"
"Yes. I'll have the steak," says the CEO.
"Very good, sir," says the waiter, "and for your vegetables?"
"Oh, they'll have steak too," replies the CEO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9820if/team_lunch_at_the_steakhouse/
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A woman walks out of a grocery store...

...and stands perplexed as she witnesses a very peculiar funeral procession go by in the street. In the front of the procession there is a woman walking a dog. Behind her is a hearse, and behind that is another hearse. Shortly behind the second hearse is a line of over one hundred women.
Curious, the woman walks up to the lady in front to see if she can get any information.
“Please excuse me for asking but I’ve never seen anything like this. Do you mind sharing your story?”
“Of course!” says the lady as she continues walking. “In the first hearse is my late husband, and in the second is his mistress. My dog discovered the two of them in our bed and killed them right there.”
“That’s incredible,” says the woman, “could I borrow that dog?”
The other woman looks over.
“Get in line.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981zaq/a_woman_walks_out_of_a_grocery_store/
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Two nuns were riding their bikes along a cobblestone road. One says to the other, “I’ve never come this way before.”

The other says, “Neither have I, it must be the cobblestones!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981xqf/two_nuns_were_riding_their_bikes_along_a/
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The Russians and Americans

at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. "When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981vki/the_russians_and_americans/
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How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome?

Pull down their genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981v7c/how_do_you_tell_a_boy_chromosome_from_a_girl/
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981u3p/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof_fell_in_love_and_got/
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Blind prostitutes

Ya gotta hand it to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981tg2/blind_prostitutes/
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Have you heard about the blind carpenter,

who picked up his hammer and saw?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981q1b/have_you_heard_about_the_blind_carpenter/
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If at first you don't succeed...

...skydiving is not for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981n21/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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If someone asks me, “How’s your sex life?”, I can honestly say

I’m holding my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981l0e/if_someone_asks_me_hows_your_sex_life_i_can/
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My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981jp2/my_wife_tried_to_unlatch_our_daughters_car_seat/
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A boy asks his mom, “When I grow up will I have two penises like daddy?”

Mom: Daddy doesn’t have two penises son
Son:  Sure he does!   He has the little one he uses to pee and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter’s teeth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981j93/a_boy_asks_his_mom_when_i_grow_up_will_i_have_two/
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They say make up sex is the best which is lucky,

because all my sex is made up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981j8w/they_say_make_up_sex_is_the_best_which_is_lucky/
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Why would you still take a cab instead of Uber?

Because I'm not going to ask my Uber driver where to get the best hookers in town .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981ird/why_would_you_still_take_a_cab_instead_of_uber/
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I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday,

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981inf/i_got_my_best_friend_a_fridge_for_his_birthday/
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If BJ stands for Bad joke, then what does B+íj stands for?

Complex bad joke.
Its not funny because the joke part is imaginary!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981ij7/if_bj_stands_for_bad_joke_then_what_does_bíj/
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An elephant was drinking from a river...

When he noticed a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled up over and kicked it clear across the river.
'What did you do that for?' Asked a passing wombat.
'Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago'
'What a memory!!' Says the wombat.
'Yes,' said the elephant, 'turtle recall'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981hnu/an_elephant_was_drinking_from_a_river/
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A woman is pregnant with twins when she gets into a car accident.

She wakes up in the hospital and the doctor says her twins have already been delivered, a boy and a girl. But since she wasn't around to name them, they had to ask her brother to give them legal names.
The woman was worried, because her brother was a bit of an idiot. "What did he name them?" she asked.
"He named the girl Denise," the doctor said.
"Oh, that's not so bad," she said in relief. "What did he name the boy?"
"Denephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981hkw/a_woman_is_pregnant_with_twins_when_she_gets_into/
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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981fpl/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_basketball_court/
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Orion's belt is a huge waist of space.

I know, terrible joke. Only three stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981erk/orions_belt_is_a_huge_waist_of_space/
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I like my coffee how I like my women

Literally anything will do the job, I'm desperate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981e02/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
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Opinions are like assholes

People like posting theirs online.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981c90/opinions_are_like_assholes/
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At Work Michael and Casey

At Work, Michael: Why you white guys always so happy?
Casey: Because I make love to my wife every morning before work.
Michael: Say whaaat? You get her to make love EVERY morning? How do you do that?
Casey: It's easy, I just say a poem, women love poems and will fall for them all the time.
Michael: Ok, what kind of poem can you say to make her make love every morning?
Casey: I say, "blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes of blue, I love to wake up and make love to you.
Michael: HAHAAA she falls for that?
Casey: yes you should try it. Next day tyrone comes in with black eye lip a tooth missing
Casey: What happened to you? Michael: Well, I said a poem to my wife and she didn't like it.
Casey: She didn't like it? What did you say?
Michael: Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, if I could roll your fat ass over I would do you like a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981c0o/at_work_michael_and_casey/
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What happens when you give an eevee money

It turns into a patreon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981a88/what_happens_when_you_give_an_eevee_money/
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A man in France was arrested today for using his car to run down a pedestrian he thought was Osama bin Laden.

Even though it was a mistake, it still ranks as France's biggest military victory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/981a5d/a_man_in_france_was_arrested_today_for_using_his/
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A bunch of horses were bragging about their speed:

\- I won 30 races! - says one horse.
\- I won 50! - says the other.
\- Ha! I won 80 - shouts another.
Then a dog passing by says:
\- Feh! I actually won 150 races!
The horses, amazed, shout:
\- Holy shit a talking dog!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9818vk/a_bunch_of_horses_were_bragging_about_their_speed/
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THERE WHERE TWO FISH IN A TANK.

One said, ‘I’ll drive, ‘you man the guns’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9817go/there_where_two_fish_in_a_tank/
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My boyfriend wanted us to have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused.

If I'm ever going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9816co/my_boyfriend_wanted_us_to_have_sex_on_the_hood_of/
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Someone stole £5000 worth of Red Bull from a local delivery truck.

How do these people sleep at night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9815qo/someone_stole_5000_worth_of_red_bull_from_a_local/
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What’s the only positive about living in the hood?

HIV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9814qd/whats_the_only_positive_about_living_in_the_hood/
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Love is like pissing your pants...

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98138y/love_is_like_pissing_your_pants/
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Can I have 6 liras for a dollar?

You mean 7 liras? Here are 9 liras

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/98116e/can_i_have_6_liras_for_a_dollar/
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I told my sister to download Reddit on her iPhone...

Told her she would never regreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9810nv/i_told_my_sister_to_download_reddit_on_her_iphone/
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Paradise

A little boy asked his dad what’s in between mums legs and he says “It’s paradise my boy.”
“Ok what’s in between your legs” and he says “It’s the key to paradise.”
And the boy goes “Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/980x4w/paradise/
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What is the default format for child molesters?

.PDF Files.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/980wfy/what_is_the_default_format_for_child_molesters/
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The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.
I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.
Edit : My first Reddit Gold ! Thank you kind strangers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/980ui6/the_government_reveals_their_new_logo_today/
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A real estate agent and a pimp are having drinks at a hotel bar

"Today was a great day. I made 100,000 dollars!" The real estate agent proclaims.
The pimp asks, "how the hell did you make so much money in a single day?"
"Well" replies the agent, "I had a couple who want to sell their house for 500,000 dollars and I sold it today."
"So what cut do you take?" Asks the Pimp
"I take a twenty percent commission" The agent states proudly with a smile.
"That's not very honest" The pimp retorts, "At least with my clients, they know they are getting fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/980nbp/a_real_estate_agent_and_a_pimp_are_having_drinks/
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Love is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/980mq2/love_is_like_a_fart/
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I have a father in law

He’s a really crappy lawyer though..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/980luh/i_have_a_father_in_law/
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What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe?

... Kilometre Cyrus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/980kse/what_do_they_call_miley_cyrus_in_europe/
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A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/980jss/a_man_stands_in_front_of_a_food_truck_and_reads/
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Why are flashers always so poor?

Because they're only doing it for the exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/980jp5/why_are_flashers_always_so_poor/
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Marvel are developing a new super hero who has the ability to remotely edit people’s DNA.

He will be called “Gene Hackman”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/980j8d/marvel_are_developing_a_new_super_hero_who_has/
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What do you call a brunette standing behind two blondes?

The translator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/980iw2/what_do_you_call_a_brunette_standing_behind_two/
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Bob, Joe, and Dick go to heaven

Upon arrival they are greeted by St. Peter.
"Welcome to heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we do have one rule. Do not step on the ducks" he says.
'Seems easy enough' the men think.
They walk for quite some time before encountering the first duck, avoiding it with great ease, but as they tread further the ducks grow in number exponentially. It has reached the point that they are wading through an ankle deep sea of ducks when suddenly a duck quacks in pain. As if on comman, St. Peter shows up.
"Bob, we had but one rule, and you broke it. For that, you must be punished." he says, chaining Bob to the ugliest woman the men had ever seen. St. Peter disappears and Bob leaves his friends in shame. Joe and Dick continue on, tredging though the waist deep ducks when yet another quack of agony is heard. St. Peter appears yet again and Joe starts to panic.
"I didn't mean to step on the duck, it was an accident, I swear" he pleads, but St. Peter is merciless, reprimanding him and chaining him to a woman even more hideous than the last. Joe screams out in anger and runs off with the woman. Dick continues on, alone, wading through the chest high ocean of ducks. Days pass when suddenly St. Peter appears before him.
"No no no I never stepped on any duck I swear" Dick cries out.
"Don't worry, I know" replies St. Peter, and he chains Dick to the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. Though beautiful, Dick can see that there is clearly something troubling his new partner.
"Hey, what's wrong?" he asks her.
"Well," she replies "I was here in heaven walking along, when suddenly, I stepped on a fucking duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/980f24/bob_joe_and_dick_go_to_heaven/
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NSFW A Lawyer and a Preist are walking past a playground and the priest says

"Let's go in there and fuck one of those kids" and the lawyer replies "out of what?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/980ebp/nsfw_a_lawyer_and_a_preist_are_walking_past_a/
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Whats Albert Einstein's rap name?

MC Squared

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/980bbx/whats_albert_einsteins_rap_name/
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There was an old couple who wanted to have a child.

They went to a fertility clinic, and the doctor told them it was probably impossible, but they should still test. He handed the old man a jar and pointed to a bathroom down a hall. An hour later, they came out, wheezing and panting.
The old man says, “I tried with my right hand, and my left, but couldn’t get it. I had Mary Sue come in, and she tried with her left and her right. She even put her mouth around it, using her teeth and once without them. My daughter even tried by squeezing her thighs into it, and still nothing happened.”
The old woman says, “ We just couldn’t get that damn jar open.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9808li/there_was_an_old_couple_who_wanted_to_have_a_child/
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Doctor: Your X-ray results are now here. As you can see, this is your left leg

Me: wtf put it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9808ar/doctor_your_xray_results_are_now_here_as_you_can/
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What should you do if you see a space man?

~~Park your car, man.~~
Introduce yourself and tell him it’s funny because he just reminded you of this time you posted a joke about a ‘space man’ on Reddit and you thought everyone was going to love it but then you found out it had been posted about six trillion times already but you didn’t know how to delete it and then you have to explain what Reddit is but then you can ask him what it’s like being a spaceman and if he has any interesting stories about space and then at the end he’ll say ‘what’s the joke anyway’ and when you say ‘park your car man’ he’s laughing so hard and then he says ‘that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard’ and then you are friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9806nx/what_should_you_do_if_you_see_a_space_man/
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Have you tried duct tape?

Dave is sitting at the bar with his friend Mike, confiding in him about his troubled love life.
"I'm crazy about this girl at work" Dave starts, "but I can't even look at her without getting a massive erection. How am I supposed to ask her out if I can't even look at her without losing the run of myself?"
Mike pauses for a moment and shares with Dave,
"Dude I have had this problem before."
"Really?" asks Dave.
"Yeah man, I used duct tape. Strapped my piece to my leg and I didn't have to worry about it when I made my move."
Dave decides it's worth a shot, thanks Mike, drains his beer and leaves.
The pair meet at the bar the following evening and Dave seems more down than before.
"What's up Dave? How did it go?" enquires Mike, eager for answers.
"I took your advice" he replied. "It did it all. Taped my piece to my leg, got dressed for work and marched right up to her."
"So what happened?!" presses Mike.
"Well I reached her just as she was taking her coat off and she turns around wearing this insanely tight dress...."
Dave trails off.
"What did you say to her?" Mike asks
"I kicked her in the face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9803zv/have_you_tried_duct_tape/
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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking...

Slow down and possibly use a lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9802m1/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Full of cream and gone by 9:00 am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97zuji/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A girls grandfather died.

The girl asks the grandmother “How did he die?”
“Well he died while we were having sex” replied the grandmother.
“Well of course he died he was 96” exclaimed the girl.
“No we had sex every Sunday. It went in on the ding and out on the dong of the church bells... he would still be alive if it wasn’t for that damn ice cream truck. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97zr9d/a_girls_grandfather_died/
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Which of the three doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blowjob

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97zqtb/which_of_the_three_doesnt_belong_eggs_your_wife/
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My parents divorced when I was 9, and every other weekend my Dad would pick me up and take me to Hooters....practically raised me there.

...so many good mammaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97zpqr/my_parents_divorced_when_i_was_9_and_every_other/
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A black man, an Irish guy, a Jew and a Greek guy die and go to heaven.

When they get to heaven, St. Peter says “All of you will go through a test of temptation, if you pass the test, you can come back to life”. The four men agree and begin their test.
It involves them walking down a street with multiple forms of temptation on the sides.
As they’re walking the black man looks at a KFC, he goes in and he disappears.
The other three men continue walking. The Irish guy sees a pub. He enters the pub and he disappears.
Now it’s just the Jew walking in front followed by the Greek guy. They walk for a while and upon reaching the end of the street, the Jew sees a quarter on the ground. He bends down to pick it up. Then they both disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97zpkj/a_black_man_an_irish_guy_a_jew_and_a_greek_guy/
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An aging hotel inspector was performing his final inspection on a luxury hotel before his retirement.

He had arrived at the joint the day before, and had already slept in a room to analyze how clean and comfortable they were. When he had woken up, he went into the bathroom to check its functionality and cleanliness, and continued on to the main dining hall after.
Upon arrival, he saw they were serving breakfast. He decided he would try their signature dish to determine good quality, if it was fully cooked, and determine if it was overpriced or not. The dish, which the company had nicknamed the "Life" for its large amount of protein and general healthy ingredients, consisted of a large sausage party with eggs, bacon, and lettuce, all inside two whole grain buns, toasted to a nice crunch.
On being served his meal, the inspector saw that it was simply too large for him to fit in his mouth. Because of his age and declining dexterity, he wasn't able to use a knife to cut anything, so he decided to ask the waitress to help him cut it. She was perfectly happy to, and started making small talk with the inspector, asking about his retirement. He said,
"Cut my Life into pieces,
This is my last resort."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97zpix/an_aging_hotel_inspector_was_performing_his_final/
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What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's Finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97zmlz/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
%
how does a DNA molecule give oral?

helix it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97zme3/how_does_a_dna_molecule_give_oral/
%
A blind man with a seeing eye dog, walks in to a bar

He picks the dog up by the tail and swings it around the room. When the bartender asks why, the man responds, "I was just taking a look around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97zkg4/a_blind_man_with_a_seeing_eye_dog_walks_in_to_a/
%
The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?"

"Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97zj0l/the_attorney_filed_a_motion_for_a_new_trial_the/
%
I had a Wookie burger the other day.

It was Chewie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97zivf/i_had_a_wookie_burger_the_other_day/
%
How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. The sockets went with the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97zd7h/how_many_divorced_men_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A Woman Was Walking With Her 3 Children

A mother was walking with her 3 children Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.
Rose asks "Mom why am I named Rose?"
Her mother says "When we were coming home from the hospital a Rose fell on your head."
Lily, now curious, asks "Then why am I named Lily?"
Her mother says "When we were coming home from the hospital a Lily fell on your head."
Then Cinderblock says "ARGRGRGRGHDDEW BLDEWGD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97zbur/a_woman_was_walking_with_her_3_children/
%
A boy asks his father what a pussy looks like

The father replies, "Well son, before sex it looks like the most beautiful delicate flower you've ever laid eyes on!"
"Before sex? What about after?" asks the boy.
The father replies, "Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97z9vw/a_boy_asks_his_father_what_a_pussy_looks_like/
%
I once knew a guy with 5 penises.

The condom fits like a glove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97z8p2/i_once_knew_a_guy_with_5_penises/
%
What do you call a man with three legs?

You call him a man. His physical disability should have no bearing on how you see him. You monster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97z7nl/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_three_legs/
%
Son : "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: “Don’t!”
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: “…”
Dad: “HI GAY, I’M DAD”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97z6nh/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
%
What do toy Batmobiles run on?

Bat-teries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97z1r0/what_do_toy_batmobiles_run_on/
%
A boy asks his mom, "Is it bad to have a penis?"

She says "No, why"
"Because Dad is upstairs trying to pull his off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97z1hy/a_boy_asks_his_mom_is_it_bad_to_have_a_penis/
%
I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat.

I'm already on Stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97z0zp/i_dont_get_why_people_say_cancer_is_hard_to_beat/
%
A detective walked over to his car

As he made the approach, he saw a smattering of crow feces on it and said,
*"There's been a murder..."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97z06k/a_detective_walked_over_to_his_car/
%
What do athletic ninjas wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ysxm/what_do_athletic_ninjas_wear/
%
A photon walks into a hotel and orders a room. The bellhop asks, “Can I carry your baggage to your room for you?”

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97yskw/a_photon_walks_into_a_hotel_and_orders_a_room_the/
%
Some guy is looking for a job.....

.….so he checks the zoo which is the only place left. Desperately, he asks the zookeeper "Sir, are there any job openings available? I'll do anything." So the zookeeper says "Well, our gorilla just died, so we need somebody to put on this gorilla suit until we can finally get a real gorilla to replace the one that died."
So the unemployed guy accepts the offer.
The guy wearing the gorilla suit sits in a cage all day and acts like a typical gorilla, eating bananas, hooting, thumping his chest, scaring the kids and walking on his knuckles.
One day, the gorilla guy climbs the fence and accidentally falls into the lion exhibit next to his cage.
Hungry for his next meal, the lion roars and pounces the gorilla guy. The gorilla guy yells "HELP!!! HELP!!!"
The lion picks up his front paws and says "Shut up! Or we're both gonna lose our jobs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ye10/some_guy_is_looking_for_a_job/
%
I have my suspicions my vet might be gay..

I can tell just from looking at him he's seen a cockatoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97y8ep/i_have_my_suspicions_my_vet_might_be_gay/
%
I personally don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance...

A homie-hoe-stasis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97y6qr/i_personally_dont_believe_in_bros_before_hoes_or/
%
Why does it take millions of sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because they won't ask for directions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97y6nu/why_does_it_take_millions_of_sperm_to_fertilize/
%
Two gay guys and a homeless guy

Two gay guys are strolling through the park when they notice a homeless man passed out drunk.  They decide to take advantage of the poor homeless man, taking turns fucking him in the ass. After they finish, the feel bad and leave $5.00 in his pocket.
Homeless man comes to, finds the $5.00 and heads to his favorite liquor store. The clerk asks him what he wants and he says he would like a $5.00 bottle of wine. “Wow” said the clerk, “you must have come into some money.” The homeless man nods and proceeds to the park, where he drinks the bottle of wine and passes out.
Along came those same two queers, and again they proceeded to take advantage of the homeless man, this time leaving $10.00 in his pocket.
Homeless man comes to, finds the $10.00, and proceeds back to the liquor store. “Lemme guess, you want another $5.00 bottle of wine?” “No I’ll take a $10.00 bottle of wine.” “Dang” said the attendant “ you’ve come into some more money haven’t you?” The homeless man nods and proceeds back to the park, drinking his $10.00 wine and passing out.
Low and behold, those two queers came strolling by one more time, and decided one last time would be okay. They proceed to take advantage of him one last time, before leaving $20.00 in his pocket and walking away.
Homeless man comes to, finds the $20.00 and heads to the liquor store. “Lemme guess, $10.00 bottle of wine?” “No, I want a $1.00 bottle of wine,” he replied. “Dang did you run out of money?” Homeless man responds “No, I have some money, but that expensive wine makes your ass hurt...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97y4sf/two_gay_guys_and_a_homeless_guy/
%
Lost in Costco a young man and an old man

Lost in Costco
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around  Costco when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra."
"What does your wife look like?" asks the young man.
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97y4c0/lost_in_costco_a_young_man_and_an_old_man/
%
Police officer

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seatbelt he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition. “What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked. The man responded, I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.” At that moment, who was seated next to him, chimed in, “Officer don’t listen to him. He’s a smart ass when he’s drunk.” This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop blurted out, I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.” At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, “Are we over the border yet?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97y18a/police_officer/
%
All my friends are constantly complaining that I’m too frugal.

I’m not buying it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xzbt/all_my_friends_are_constantly_complaining_that_im/
%
A friend of mine was caught in an airplane turbine

In many ways, he *will* be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xyie/a_friend_of_mine_was_caught_in_an_airplane_turbine/
%
Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"
She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"
George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"
Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xv9r/last_week_a_group_of_hells_angels_bikers_were/
%
A guy finds a genie bottle

Rubs it and the genie says “okay you’ve got three wishes, but new rule is your ex-wife gets double”
Guys not happy but says “for my first wish I want 5 billion dollars tax free”
Genie “boom you got it, now your ex-wife has 10 billion tax free dollars”
Guy “yeah, ok fine next wish I want an island only I can get to that has a beautiful mansion and never runs out of supplies”
Genie “ok but now your ex-wife has two of them, what’s your last wish?”
Guy thinks and thinks, then says: “GOT IT, I wish you would beat me half to death!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xtvi/a_guy_finds_a_genie_bottle/
%
Breaking news: £500,000 worth of red bull stolen in The UK

How do those bastards sleep at night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xrjf/breaking_news_500000_worth_of_red_bull_stolen_in/
%
I am driving through England, and I’m supposed to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xnq6/i_am_driving_through_england_and_im_supposed_to/
%
How much room do you need to grow fungus?

As mushroom as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xmxl/how_much_room_do_you_need_to_grow_fungus/
%
Started seeing this amazing girl in a wheelchair.

She was my roll model but I found out she actually looked up to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xkfo/started_seeing_this_amazing_girl_in_a_wheelchair/
%
I love to tell cheesy jokes

But all my friends are laughtose intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xhao/i_love_to_tell_cheesy_jokes/
%
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xha7/a_man_in_an_interrogation_room_says_im_not_saying/
%
A nun turns her bicycle down an unfamiliar, cobblestone lane.

"Oh, well I've never come this way before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xgkl/a_nun_turns_her_bicycle_down_an_unfamiliar/
%
A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?
Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.
Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?
Daughter: Yeah sure!
Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xefo/a_son_ask_his_dad_to_explain_the_difference/
%
I think Francesca wants a sex change.

"Let me be Frank", she keeps saying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xdhr/i_think_francesca_wants_a_sex_change/
%
Two Drunk Buddies

Joe and John are leaving the bar towards the alley.
Joe: "I am so drunk I have to vomit but I can't."
John: "It's easy, you just have to touch your tonsils with your finger and you will throw without you knowing."
Joe: "Ok" (trying with his middle finger). "As hard as I tried but it won't work buddy."
John: "Now try to stick that finger to your ass."
Joe: "Nah, still won't work dude."
John: "Ok.. now slide it back to your mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xao5/two_drunk_buddies/
%
The Golden Rat

One day a man walks into an antique shop and inquires about a small statue of a rat made of gold. The owner replies “Ah yes that item. The rat is fascinating but beware of the consequences, and you must know we have a no-returns policy.”
The man is fine with this and pays for the item and leaves. As he’s walking down the road he sees a rat start following him. He thinks that’s odd but continues on his way. As time passes he notices more and more rats have begun following him. After several minutes there are thousands of rats following the man and he becomes incredibly nervous and breaks into a run.
With the rats close on his heels he comes across a small lake illuminated with light-posts. Not knowing what else to do, he climbs a light-post and in an act of last resort heaves the golden rat into the water. Every single rat scrambles into the water where they all drown.
The man climbs down and makes his way back to the antique shop. The owner sees the man and remarks, “I see you discovered the perils of the golden rat, alas as I said before, we do not offer refunds or returns.”
The man replies, “oh I know, I’m actually just wondering if you have a golden lawyer?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97xakm/the_golden_rat/
%
What does a rapist say when you tell them a joke about consent?

"I don’t get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97x96n/what_does_a_rapist_say_when_you_tell_them_a_joke/
%
How does a German Baker greet his customers?

Gluten Tag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97x7pz/how_does_a_german_baker_greet_his_customers/
%
My girlfriend has the body of Scarlett Johansson.

Not sure where the head is though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97x7c2/my_girlfriend_has_the_body_of_scarlett_johansson/
%
Statistically, older people are the most common carriers of AIDS...

Hearing Aids, Walking Aids, Seeing Aids...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97x4yz/statistically_older_people_are_the_most_common/
%
My wife left me because of my obsession with Smash Mouth.

I didn't believe her.
But then I saw her face.
Now I'm a believer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97x28l/my_wife_left_me_because_of_my_obsession_with/
%
What do you call someone who really loves necks?

A necromancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97x1j0/what_do_you_call_someone_who_really_loves_necks/
%
How do you find will Smith in the snow

Look for fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97x1a2/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
A man was in a horrific car accident and rushed to the hospital. A few days later, he woke up startled and yelled, “Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I’m sorry, but we had to amputate your arms.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97wzkm/a_man_was_in_a_horrific_car_accident_and_rushed/
%
A Blonde a Brunette and a Redhead walk into a bar

The bartender looks up and says hi ladies. I’m running a new contest. You have a chance to win a million dollars, new car or free drinks for a year.
He points to a mirror at the wall. “ That’s a magic mirror! You just have to look into the Mirror and say something about yourself but it has to be the truth, if not you disappear forever”
The girls excitedly agree to play.
The Brunette walks up and looks into the mirror and says “I’m the best looking woman in this bar.” The mirror rumbles and it says she wins a million dollars!
The Redhead is super excited and she looks into the mirror an says “I am the best kisser in here” the mirror rumbles and it says you won a car!
The Blond is very very excited.
“What do you think you will say” says the bartender.  The Blond walks up to the mirror smiling and she looks into it. She says “I think...... and poof she disappears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97wz68/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_walk_into_a_bar/
%
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero

The invisible man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97wtuo/as_a_child_i_always_thought_of_my_dad_as_a/
%
Somebody must have roofied my drink last night.

I woke up at 4:00 this morning with an irresistible urge to go hammer some shingles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97wt72/somebody_must_have_roofied_my_drink_last_night/
%
Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?

He was just going through a stage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97wt6c/did_you_hear_about_the_actor_that_fell_through/
%
Job interviewer: What two words best describe you?

Me: Functioning Alcoholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97wsvs/job_interviewer_what_two_words_best_describe_you/
%
After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island. He went about the island in search of food and shelter. After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration...

The man thought to himself, "I’m so screwed!" To his surprise, a bright light came from the heavens and a deep voice said to him "Not yet my son, listen very carefully: what you have to do is; run up to the chief of the tribe, kick him in the nuts, and take his spear. As soon as you take his spear, kill his only son with it." Without thinking twice, the man did as he was told. As he put the spear through the young cannibal's heart, the bright light appeared again and the deep voice said to him, "Now you’re screwed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97wnik/after_a_terrible_shipwreck_a_man_found_himself/
%
A blonde is out grocery shopping,

but she's having trouble finding the Toasties.  So she asks one of the stockers, to which he replies "I'll see" and walks off.  After ten minutes passes without the stocker returning, she finds another stocker where she can find the Toasties, to which he replies "I'll see" and then walks off.  After ten minutes, she's fuming at the poor service, so she finds another stocker.  This time she demands he take her over to where the Toasties are shelved.  So he leads her past the baking goods in Aisle A, the condiments in Aisle B, to the Toasties in Aisle C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97wlrx/a_blonde_is_out_grocery_shopping/
%
Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4 they’d be Chicken Sedans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97wlb2/why_do_chicken_coops_only_have_2_doors/
%
What did Kanye West say to the eggs?

Yo, omelette you finish...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97wgwa/what_did_kanye_west_say_to_the_eggs/
%
What does cereal say when it leaves the room?

Cheerio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97wgek/what_does_cereal_say_when_it_leaves_the_room/
%
And God said to John come fourth and receive eternal life

But he came fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97we5t/and_god_said_to_john_come_fourth_and_receive/
%
Guy dies and is at the pearly gates

St. Peter says: “before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive”
Guy says “One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess with her, you mess with me”
St. Peter said “wow, that’s pretty impressive, but I don’t see it in your records. When exactly did this happen?”
The guy said “oh, about five seconds ago”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97wbit/guy_dies_and_is_at_the_pearly_gates/
%
Cop: "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

Me: "Scarlett Johansson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97w9wg/cop_anything_you_say_can_and_will_be_held_against/
%
I could never fight a gay guy.

I don’t know how to start. I’m gonna beat your ass… I mean I’m gonna fuck you up… no, I mean I’m sticking my foot so far up your ass.. no, not like that... I mean Fuck you, damn it, I give up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97w9kj/i_could_never_fight_a_gay_guy/
%
A woman decides to buy a pet parrot for the family.

She goes to the store, and sees they are priced at $175, $140 and $20.
When asked about the low priced one, the store owner says it's a second hand bird, and it used to live in a whore house. As such, it's choice of language is limited and can be deemed offensive.
As the woman looks at the bird, it says to her "Hey little slut, you the new girl?!"
Up for a laugh, and tempted by the price, the woman buys it.
She takes it home and when one of the daughters comes in, the parrot squaks "damnnn look at that fine ass booty". The family all laugh.
The second daughter comes in, and the parrot remarks; "Them some fine titties you got there girly!"
The family all laugh
The husband walks in, and the parrot squaks; "Hey Joe, you found the new place! You're gonna love it here!"
And that's how the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97w6x6/a_woman_decides_to_buy_a_pet_parrot_for_the_family/
%
Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team

Because everyone who can run, jump and swim are already in America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97w5fr/why_doesnt_mexico_have_an_olympic_team/
%
As I suspected, someone's been adding soil to my garden

The plot thickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97w1tt/as_i_suspected_someones_been_adding_soil_to_my/
%
Did you hear about the score of the football match between Egypt and Ethiopia?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97w12x/did_you_hear_about_the_score_of_the_football/
%
Three guys went camping on a really cold night

They decided to sleep together to stay warm.
In the morning when they woke up the guy on the left side said: I had a dream that I was fucking Jeniffer Aniston so furiously.
The guy on the right side said: I was fucking Salma Hayeck on my dream.
The guy in the middle said: That's weird,
I was rowing a boat up the river on my dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97w081/three_guys_went_camping_on_a_really_cold_night/
%
What's Whitney Houston's favorite coordination?

HAND-EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97vy5y/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_coordination/
%
Three men die and go to Heaven

They meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, who greets them and says "So Heaven is a vastly large place for everyone to spend the rest of eternity, and God has decided to grant vehicles to everyone upon admission, and he asks only one question, the answer to which determines what vehicle you are granted."
So St Peter goes up to the first guy and asks "How many years have you been married and how faithful was your marriage?" The first guy responds "I've been married 20 years and cheated on my wife 4 times." A rusted Geo Metro appears suddenly, St Peter gives the guy a nod, so the man gets in and scoots on through the gates.
St Peter goes up to the 2nd man and asks "How many years have you been married and how faithful was your marriage?" The 2nd man says "I've been married 40 years, and only cheated on my wife one time, but I admitted it to her and she forgave me" A Chrysler minivan suddenly appears, and the 2nd man gets in and drives through the gates.
St Peter approaches the 3rd man and asks "How many years have you been married and how faithful was your marriage?" The 3rd man lifts his head up high and boasts "I've been married 60 years and never even looked at another woman!" A mint condition Ferrari 458 appears, the 3rd man happily jumps in and speeds through the gates.
Later the first two men see the third man sitting on the ground next to his Ferrari, weeping with his head in his hands. They ask him "what's wrong?" The third man looks up and says "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97vy10/three_men_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
Round up.

A farmer was out in the field with his cows, he counted 196 of them but when he rounded them up he had 200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97vxxn/round_up/
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So what if i don't know what "Armageddon" means?

It's not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97vx73/so_what_if_i_dont_know_what_armageddon_means/
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Why do Long Islander's have the lowest suicide rate in the US?

Jersey is the light at the end of the tunnel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97vtgc/why_do_long_islanders_have_the_lowest_suicide/
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What sort of clothes do lawyers wear?

Lawsuits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97vrtd/what_sort_of_clothes_do_lawyers_wear/
%
Everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they aren’t laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97vpqr/everyone_laughed_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_be_a/
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Why are the middle ages also referred to as The Dark Ages?

Cause there were so many knights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97vpl8/why_are_the_middle_ages_also_referred_to_as_the/
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The Tale of Three Brilliant Brothers

Once upon a time, there lived a rich old man in a remote town. This old man had three sons who are among the smartest people of the century. One day, this old man fell extremely sick, and felt the inevitable is coming. He asked his sons to gather around his deathbed and wanted to talk to them for one last time.
– My sons, my time is almost up. Of course, when I am gone, all my wealth will be yours. However, I do not want you to fight over who inherits what. Go to the judge of the city, he is a just and a smart man, I am sure you will not object to his final decision on the matter.
Not long after, the man passes away, and the sons start their trip to the city. On the way there, they pass meadows, bodies of water, muddy plains, hills, and valleys. At some point, they come across a man, and after a small chit chat, he asks them if they saw his horse.
The oldest brother asks:
– Did it have a blind eye?
The man says “Yes.”
The middle brother asks:
– Was its tail cut?
The man says "Yes."
The youngest brother asks:
– Was it limping?
The man says "Yes" to him, as well.
After these, the brothers tell the man they did not see his horse. The man gets angry and asks them "How can this be possible if you know all the features of the animal? You are obviously lying! I will come with you to the judge and will have him sentence you to some kind of a punishment."
The boys, fearing no punishment, agree, and after a while, they all arrive at the house of the judge. The boys explain why they came to see him, and the owner of the horse also explains his problem with the brothers.
The judge asks the brothers one by one:
– How did you know that the animal was blind in one eye?
– Sir, while we were coming here, we passed by some meadows, only one side of the path was damaged as if something was eating the grass only from that side. That's how I figured it out.
– And, how did you know that the animal's tail was cut?
– Sir, while we were coming here, I saw horse droppings all scattered around. If it had a full tail, the droppings would be more "orderly." That's how I figured it out.
– And, how did you know that the animal was limping?
– Sir, on our way here, we passed by a lake. I saw three full footprints and a half one alongside them. That's how I figured it out.
The man finally admits that the brothers have not seen his horse, and goes away. And then the judge thinks "These three brothers are way more smarter than me, how can I ever think of a way to divide their father's wealth that they have not? They would easily see a flaw in my decision, and they may accuse me of being unfair. I should throw them a feast and just stand nearby while they are talking to see their ordinary conversations. Maybe they are up to something, or maybe they have something in their mind to divide up the wealth."
While they are eating their dinner, the judge makes up an excuse to leave the room and moves behind the door to eavesdrop on them.
The oldest brother says:
– The sheep is delicious. I only wish it did not suckle a dog.
The middle brother says:
– The wine is delicious. I only wish the grapes were not grown on a cemetery soil.
The youngest brother says:
– The judge is an excellent person. I only wish he was not a faggot.
Hearing enough, the judge goes around to ask...
...To the shepherd he purchased the sheep from:
– What did that sheep suckle on?
The shepherd says:
– Well, its mother was dead not long after it was born. So, I gave it to the dog to raise it.
...To the winery:
– Where were the grapes of that wine harvested?
The owner says:
– Well, the best soil around here is in the cemetery. So I just grow them there.
The judge, seeing the brothers were right about the first two, goes to look for his mother and asks her:
– Mother, am I a faggot?
She answers:
– My dear boy, you seemed not to remember it, until now; but, yes, you had a "fling" with the lumberjack's boy when you were both little. You must have suppressed your memories.
The judge, amazed, returns to his house to finally face the brothers:
To the oldest brother:
– Tell me, how did you know the sheep suckled a dog?
– It was obvious! Normally, a sheep would not have fat in a certain area of its hind legs; but, this one had.
To the middle brother:
– Tell me, how did you know the grapes for the wine were grown in the cemetery soil?
– It was obvious! I could not enjoy myself no matter how much I drank. It only gave me a certain sense of sorrow.
To the youngest brother:
– And tell me, how did you know that I was a faggot?
– It was obvious! You would not have a Confederate flag at your porch if you were not a faggot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97vlw8/the_tale_of_three_brilliant_brothers/
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You don't need to die as a muslim to get 72 virgins

Just be a catholic priest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97vjvl/you_dont_need_to_die_as_a_muslim_to_get_72_virgins/
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When a plant is sad...

Do you think other plants photosympathize with it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97vhbn/when_a_plant_is_sad/
%
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide, but you can’t run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97va7q/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
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How was your job interview yesterday?

- Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting on the table.
He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside then come back and try to sell him the laptop.
He thought himself some Leonardo DiCaprio in Wolf of Wall Street kinda big shot.
So I took the laptop and left.
- Left...!! Then what?
- Nothing. 30 minutes later he called me up... begging me to return his laptop because all his work and important documents were on it.....
So I asked him: "How much will you pay for it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97va20/how_was_your_job_interview_yesterday/
%
I tried to submit a patent for a gold plated butt plug... but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes.
Ps: joke’s on me, im using an iPhone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97v7d7/i_tried_to_submit_a_patent_for_a_gold_plated_butt/
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I found the cure for imposter syndrome

No I didn't.  I'm a fraud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97v3k2/i_found_the_cure_for_imposter_syndrome/
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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”
Officer jones: “Well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table.”
Superior: “I see, and officer Jennings, is that also how you remember it?”
Officer Jennings: “Actually no sir, as I recall it, he found a 20 ounce bottle of Pepsi and pissed all over the sofa.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97v3dg/two_dea_officers_were_called_into_their_superiors/
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If only we could get more mosquito nets to Africa, we could save millions

of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97v2yf/if_only_we_could_get_more_mosquito_nets_to_africa/
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Where did Voldemort write down all his feelings and thoughts?

In his die-harry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97v2n1/where_did_voldemort_write_down_all_his_feelings/
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A father buys a lie detector robot

that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know  what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother. Robot is now for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97v00y/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot/
%
There is a man sitting at the end of the bar with an orange for a head

. Another man, who is new in town walks in and sits down at the other end. After a few minutes he asks the bartender, “Who is that strange man with an orange for a head?”
To which she replies, “I’m not sure but he refuses to talk to me about it.”
Determined to find out why he has a fruit where his head should be he casually walks over and asks,
“Excuse me sir but I am just dying to know what happened to your head?!”
“Why what happened to it?”
“Well... its an orange!”
“Oh yes, it’s a long story and I would rather not get into it now if you don’t mind.”
This man refused however, to take no for an answer. Still determined he bought the man a drink and once again politely requested he tell the long story.
The orange-headed man, now with an extra drink, grudgingly accepts to tell the tale.
“So I was walking down the boardwalk with my wife at the time and we decided to go into this lamp shop that has since gone out of business. I stumble upon this dusty old one that caught my eye and brushed off the coat of dust. To my surprise a big ol’ genie popped out and offered me three wishes!”
Knowing that genies had reputation for being tricky when granting wishes, the man was eager to find out what wish had gotten turned around to make this man have an orange for a head.
“So what was your first wish?” The man asks.
“My first wish was to be the wealthiest man in the world.”
“Well congratulations, you should be buying me the drinks! What was your second wish?”
“My second wish was to have every woman to fall madly in love with me. My wife has since divorced me due to all of my affairs.”
“That seems to come in handy now that you have an orange for a head. And the third?”
The orange-headed man goes silent for a minute.
“Well? What was the wish sir, I am dying to know!”
“My third and final wish... was to have an orange for a head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97uzso/there_is_a_man_sitting_at_the_end_of_the_bar_with/
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Yesterday I heard a woman shouting on the street toward her boyfriend "All men are dogs"

An old man popped his head out of the window and replied,
##"Who told you to try them all??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97uz9r/yesterday_i_heard_a_woman_shouting_on_the_street/
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How many French do you need to defend France?

Nobody knows, no one has tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97uyqo/how_many_french_do_you_need_to_defend_france/
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Why do Klu Klux Klan members love doing laundry?

It's the only time they're able to separate whites from colors without getting any shit for it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97uxen/why_do_klu_klux_klan_members_love_doing_laundry/
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The Old Lady and the Soviet Newspaper

Back in the days of Stalin, a little old Russian lady would walk up to the newspaper stand every morning to buy the day's newspaper.
And each time, she would look at the front page of the newspaper, curse out loud and throw the newspaper away.
After many years of this, the man at the kiosk finally decides to ask her what she's doing.
"Lady! You keep buying the paper every day, you barely glance at it, then you throw it away. It's so wasteful! You should be ashamed!", he admonishes her.
"I'm looking for an announcement, and it's never there"
"What sort of announcement are you looking for?"
"It's the announcement that somebody has died"
"Oh! Well you should be looking in the back of the newspaper, in the births, deaths and marriages section. They don't print that stuff on the front page!"
"The death I want to hear about would definitely be on the front page!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97uwp1/the_old_lady_and_the_soviet_newspaper/
%
A lady goes to the pharmacy to buy poison.

Lady: I want to buy your most lethal poison so I can kill my husband.
Pharmacist: C'mon lady. You know damn well I can't do that. That's illegal.
The lady start crying and says: "But he needs to pay! This bastard cheated on me. Look I caught him in the act!"
She pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with another woman.
The pharmacist takes a look and realizes the other woman is actually his wife.
Pharmacist: Wow, you're wasting my time lady. You could've just said you had a prescription.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97uv8z/a_lady_goes_to_the_pharmacy_to_buy_poison/
%
What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97uud2/what_did_the_alien_say_to_the_cat/
%
Have you heard about the barefoot frail wizard with bad breath?

Well it's the first confirmed case of a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97us8h/have_you_heard_about_the_barefoot_frail_wizard/
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Woman talking to her husband: My friend Susan said her boyfriend recites poems about love to her, I think that's so romantic, why can't you do something like that? Husband replies I can do that.

Roses are red your panties are moist, I'd take you to bed, but I don't have a hoist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97uq39/woman_talking_to_her_husband_my_friend_susan_said/
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This morning Alabama announced they have discovered a new use for sheep.

Wool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97umo3/this_morning_alabama_announced_they_have/
%
What is the most Holy chord?

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97uh7p/what_is_the_most_holy_chord/
%
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

Yes we arson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97uh03/dad_are_we_pyromaniacs/
%
A man walks up to a woman at a nude beach...

A man walks up to a woman at a nude beach.
"Hi, my name is Ed." he says.
"What's it short for?" she asks.
Thoughtful, he looks down a moment, before answering,
"I dunno, it's always been like that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ueaz/a_man_walks_up_to_a_woman_at_a_nude_beach/
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Wife terribly injured

The husband receives a call from the hospital telling him to come quickly.
When he arrives the doctor meets him at the doors and tells him "your wife was in a terrible accident. She's lost 80% of her brain function and she's paralyzed from the neck down. You'll have to retire from your job and take nursing classes to be able to take care of her."
The husband's head is swimming in shock but the doctor smiles, slaps him on the back and says "aw man, I was just fucking with you - she's dead".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97udqj/wife_terribly_injured/
%
I think it's best to wear two different deodorants, one for each armpit

But that's just my two scents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ucjm/i_think_its_best_to_wear_two_different_deodorants/
%
Jesus

walks into a hotel.
He slaps three long nails down on the front desk and asks...
"Can you put me up for the night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97u9g4/jesus/
%
How do KGB agents commit suicide?

Two bullets to the back of the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97u78j/how_do_kgb_agents_commit_suicide/
%
Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 1234...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97u539/did_you_hear_about_the_drummer_who_gave_all_his/
%
Islam is a religion of peace....

A piece of you over here...a piece of you over there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97tyo6/islam_is_a_religion_of_peace/
%
If I had a penny every time someone over 50 told me my generation is shit

Then I could buy a house in the economy they fucked up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97txsk/if_i_had_a_penny_every_time_someone_over_50_told/
%
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97tuiu/a_police_officer_jumps_into_his_squad_car_and/
%
A girl dares a scottish boy to climb up a flagpole.

He bets her five dollars that he can and she agrees. He climbs all the way to the top and gets his five bucks.
He tells his mom after school, feeling proud of his accomplishment.
“Och honey, she jist wanted ye tae climb th' pole sae she coods see up yer kilt.” She says, shaking her head.
A little wiser he returns to school the next day. This time the girl offers him ten dollars to climb the pole. He thinks this is a pretty good racket so he does.
Again after school he tells his mom who is this time a little upset.
“But hen min' whit Ah said lest time, she’s jist tryin' tae see up yer kilt.”
The boy grins slyly and responds “Ah ken, that’s wa Ah didn’t wear onie kilt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97tqx3/a_girl_dares_a_scottish_boy_to_climb_up_a_flagpole/
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When i go down....

Jean Pierre, popularly known as JP among his friends was a fighter jet pilot of the French air force.
One day he took his girlfriend to the park for a picnic. Since he wanted to be really romantic, he packed the picnic basket himself.
Hours later, JP and his girlfriend were having a great time, the weather was great and they had found a sweet spot, away from the crowds.
At this point, his girlfriend was really impressed and leaned towards him for a kiss. JP jumped up suddenly and reached into his picnic basket. His girlfriend was taken aback and asked, "What's wrong JP?", without responding, he quickly pulled out a bottle of red wine, opened it quickly with ease and splashed a generous amount on her lips and then replied, "I am Jean Pierre, the French fighter pilot, when I taste red meat, I love it with a taste of red wine". He then proceeded and kissed her passionately.
As he was doing this, she begged him, "JP, kiss me lower....". He did not waste any time and he quickly tore off her blouse, undid her bra, and looked closely at her breasts, then quickly jumped up, dived into his picnic basket and brought out a bottle of white wine. His girlfriend was lying there with her breasts exposed and mouth open when he quickly opened the bottle and splashed a generous amount on it on her neck, chest and breasts  and declared, "I am Jean Pierre, the French fighter pilot, when I take white meat, I take it with white wine" and quickly started kissing her passionately and massaging her breasts. His girlfriend was now moaning loudly, as she twisted and turned she screamed, "JP, please kiss me loweeeerrrrr...!"
JP stood up, looked intensely at his girlfriend, undid her jeans buckle, her zipper, and pulled them off, he then proceeded and tore off her panties, spread her legs apart and closely studied her nakedness. He then suddenly poured the contents of his picnic basket on the grass, and took from it a bottle of cognac, opened it quickly, took a long sip, he then poured the rest of the contents on her thighs and between her legs, threw away the empty bottle and reached into his front pocket.
He brought out a matchbox, got out a match, striked one alight and threw it on her crotch and loudly exclaimed, " I am Jean Pierre, the French fighter pilot, when I go down, I only go down in flames!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97tp1x/when_i_go_down/
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they just beat the shit out of the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97tnj6/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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I saw this girl while working today. Words can't even begin to describe her.

But numbers can, 4/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97tl51/i_saw_this_girl_while_working_today_words_cant/
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Why does Chris Brown still have a music career?

Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97tiu0/why_does_chris_brown_still_have_a_music_career/
%
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds

2 kilo mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97tfez/what_do_you_call_2000_mockingbirds/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97tel9/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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Doctor(handing me my new born baby)

Doctor : I'm sorry but your wife didn't
make it.
me(handing baby back to him):
bring me the one my wife made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97tdkk/doctorhanding_me_my_new_born_baby/
%
What kind of work out do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97tat8/what_kind_of_work_out_do_lazy_people_do/
%
The pope is coming over for dinner, so the priest goes out to catch a fish.

He meets a fisherman and they go out to sea. After a while, the preist catches a huge fish.
With the help of the fisherman, the priest brings the fish onto the boat. The fisherman says, "Ah, we finally caught the fucker!"
The priest looks at the fisherman in disgust. "LANGUAGE, PLEASE!"
The Fisherman thinks quickly. "German," he replies. "The fish is called Fucker. It's German."
The priest says ok and heads to the Cathedral. There he meets the Bishop. "Look at this fucker!" he says.
"MIND YOUR LANGAUGE. This is a house of God."
The priest responds. "No, the fish is called Fucker"
The Bishop laughs. "OK, I'll go and clean it and give it to the Mother Superior."
He goes to the mother superior and says, "Look at this fucker the priest caught."
The Mother Superior is shocked. She yells, "I would expect better language from you, bishop."
The Bishop tells her the story of the fish. She laughs and says "How silly of me!" and goes away to cook the fish.
The pope really likes the fish and asks his hosts where it cake from.
The priest says "I caught the fucker."
The Bishop says "I cleaned the fucker."
The Mother Superior says "I cooked the fucker."
The Priest stares at the trio. He leans back, picks up a bottle of whisky, winks and says, "You cunts are alright, ya know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97t7tt/the_pope_is_coming_over_for_dinner_so_the_priest/
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An old married couple go to the hospital

And as they are getting checked in the doctor says to the old man,
"I need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood sample."
The old man being hard of hearing says, "what'd you say?"
and his wife replies, "He said they need to see your underwear*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97t6v6/an_old_married_couple_go_to_the_hospital/
%
My girlfriend begged my to stop singing Wonderwall

I said okay because no guys I'm not posting this joke for the 674th time, god. Let's make something original please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97t4zp/my_girlfriend_begged_my_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
Three guys enter a steakhouse

One guy orderes a sirloin. Another guy the Porterhouse. The third the New York Strip.
Once the plates arrive, the three men lift their meals above their heads.
The waiter asks "What are you all doing?"
The men replied "Raising the steaks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97t4xf/three_guys_enter_a_steakhouse/
%
Tiger and Stevie Wonder are in a bar

Tiger turns to Stevie and asks, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie: Not bad. How's the golf?
Tiger: Not bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now.
Stevie: I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.
Tiger: You play?
Stevie: Yes, I've been playing for years.
Tiger: But—you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?
Stevie: Well, I have my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway, and again I play the ball towards his voice.
Tiger: How do you putt?
Stevie: I have my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I play the ball toward his voice.
Tiger: What's your handicap?
Stevie: I'm a scratch golfer.
Tiger: We've got to play a round sometime.
Stevie: Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?
Tiger: OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?
Stevie: Any night next week works for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97t4pw/tiger_and_stevie_wonder_are_in_a_bar/
%
A young girl accepts a dare, and wins a dollar

she tells her mom about it, saying how the boys dared her to climb a post.
"Silly girl, that's so they could look up your skirt."
So the next day, the girl comes back and says "They tried to make me climb that post again, but I outsmarted them this time!"
"Really?  What did you do?"
"I told them 'I'm not going to be fooled into reposting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97t19e/a_young_girl_accepts_a_dare_and_wins_a_dollar/
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What do vegetarians say at a rave?

Lettuce Turnip the Beet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97sz2p/what_do_vegetarians_say_at_a_rave/
%
There are 10 types of people

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97sy54/there_are_10_types_of_people/
%
What animal has more lives than a cat?

A frog, it croaks every night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97sxp1/what_animal_has_more_lives_than_a_cat/
%
Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar?

He got twelve months for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97sxcc/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_stole_a_calendar/
%
What do you call security at a Samsung store

Guardians of the galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97sulb/what_do_you_call_security_at_a_samsung_store/
%
15 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

Please God, don't let Kevin Bacon die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ssbc/15_years_ago_we_had_johnny_cash_bob_hope_and/
%
A microwave and a refrigerator get married. Who gives the speech?

The Toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97sr3f/a_microwave_and_a_refrigerator_get_married_who/
%
Birth control alternatives

A husband and wife walk into a doctors office looking for alternative options for birth control as the pill is quite hormoney and the husband is allergic to latex.
They ask the doctor "we've been thinking about exclusively practising anal sex, surely there's no pregnancy risk there!"
Doctor replies "don't be silly, of course there is! How do you think lawyers are born?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97sopk/birth_control_alternatives/
%
A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises.
Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!
'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?'
'My husband traveled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face.
'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?'
'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97sn6u/a_couple_want_to_have_children_but_the_wife_cant/
%
On Bill and Hillary's wedding night

, Bill said " I'll always be truthful to you Hillary, but promise you'll never open this shoebox.
Thinking it's a strange request, Hillary agreed that she never would.
On their 30th anniversary, she stumbles upon the box.  Having kept her promise for all these years,  she decides to open the box.  Inside, there are 3 soda cans and $1000.  Strange she thinks and puts the box away.
That night at dinner, Hillary says, "Bill, I opened the box for the first time in our 30 years of marriage.  What does it mean?"
Bill wasn't upset. He said "Well I put a soda can in the box for every time of cheated on you.".
"Well 3 times in 30 years isn't so bad," she replied.   "But I have to ask, why was there $1000 in the box?"
And Bill said, "whenever the box fills up, I recycle the cans"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97shb5/on_bill_and_hillarys_wedding_night/
%
I don't see a problem with calling an Australian an aussie, a Pakistani a paki, a Scotsman a scot...

Or a Frenchman a cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97sh6c/i_dont_see_a_problem_with_calling_an_australian/
%
How many men's rights activists...

...does it take to change a lightbulb?
Not all of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97sggn/how_many_mens_rights_activists/
%
A girl from work was stressed out that her ride couldn't pick her up, so she asked if I'd drive her home because it was raining heavily and she didn't want to walk home. I agreed.

Once in the car, we got to talking, mainly about everyday things, what we
liked doing, eating, then about work for a bit.
With the conversation flowing, we got to her house fairly quick. She thanked
me, went to get out of the car, stopped for a moment, looked at me and said,
"How the hell did you know where I lived?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97se60/a_girl_from_work_was_stressed_out_that_her_ride/
%
A young couple dies in a car wreck on the way to their wedding.

They arrive in heaven where they are welcomed by Saint Peter. Before they are admitted to heaven they ask if they can get married in heaven.
Peter scratches his chin. “Hmm, I’m not sure. Let me find out.” He goes into heaven to find someone who might know.
Well he’s gone for a very long time, days at least. The young couple were starting to worry when Peter finally returns. He looks very flustered.
“Yes, you can get married.” He says.
So the couple go into heaven, get married, and enjoy the afterlife. However not long after they begin to realize how terrible eternity with the other person would be and decide to divorce.
They go to Saint Peter and asks if they can get a divorce in Heaven. Peter throws down his quill and growls in consternation.
“Do you know how long it took me to find a priest up here?! Now imagine how hard it’ll be to find a lawyer!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97sczb/a_young_couple_dies_in_a_car_wreck_on_the_way_to/
%
What's the difference between Jam and Marmalade?

You can't marmalade a fist up your arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97s7xu/whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_marmalade/
%
I bought a dog from a locksmith today, what did it do when we got home

It made a bolt for the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97s7dg/i_bought_a_dog_from_a_locksmith_today_what_did_it/
%
What do you call it when a school is made for Tumblr teens?

Edgy-cation....
I’m sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97s6ez/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_school_is_made_for/
%
A bike in town keeps running me over

It’s a vicious cycle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97s4gv/a_bike_in_town_keeps_running_me_over/
%
So a redditor walks into a bar

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh," replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."
"That sounds easy enough," replies the bartender.
"I should warn you," the redditor says, "I browse /r/jokes so I've heard them all over and over and over again".
Curious, the bartender pulls out his phone and browses /r/jokes for a few minutes.
"How about this?" he asks. "A man is driving through a remote forested area at night when his car breaks down next to an old monastery..."
"Heard it," interrupts the redditor. "It's reposted every month."
The bartender apologies and starts scrolling on his phone for a few more minutes.
"Ooh, here we go, so why did the orangutan cross the road.. "
"Heard it!!" the redditor snaps. "That's reposted every week!"
The bartender is flustered but tries again, furiously browsing the subreddit. "Aha! This one is sure to impress.. What is Donald Trumps favorite nation? "
"No, no, no!!!" the redditor cries out. "That joke is reposted every day!"
"OK, OK, please give me one more try," the bartender pleads. He scrolls furiously through his phone. "Nope... nope... nope... YES!! This is a great one!"
"OK, lay it on me," the redditor asks eagerly.
"Here it is," the bartender replies. "So a redditor walks into a bar..."
"This joke is also a repost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97s3na/so_a_redditor_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An illuminated joke

A physicist and an engineer were roommates in college. One night a fire broke out in their apartment. The engineer woke up first and saw the fire. He remembered the fire extinguisher in every unit, grabbed it and pulled the pin, as instructed, and sprayed the fire with the sodium bicarbonate contained within.
Incredibly, the next night, the exact same fire sprung up in their apartment. The physicist was the first to wake up this time. He saw the fire, saw the fire extinguisher, then went back to bed happy knowing there was a solution to the problem.
The third night, the engineer and the physicist were both woken abruptly when a statistician broke into the room and started lighting the curtains on fire.
“What the heck do you think you are you doing?” They both shouted.
The statistician replied “Increasing the sample size.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97s2h6/an_illuminated_joke/
%
A teacher was correcting exams from his students.

When he saw the exam of Joe, a student he hated, he gave him 0% without even reading his exam and wrote at the bottom:
"Stupid! Dumbass!"
When Joe received his copy, he was so shocked he went straight to the teacher's office and said:
"Sir, you didn't even read my exam. All I see is a 0% with your name and signature at the bottom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97s29z/a_teacher_was_correcting_exams_from_his_students/
%
Boy comes home and tells dad that he's got a role in school drama playing a man who has been married 25 years.

Dad.  "don't worry, one day you'll get a speaking part”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ry27/boy_comes_home_and_tells_dad_that_hes_got_a_role/
%
What do you call a dog's fashion sense?

Doggy style.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97rx2o/what_do_you_call_a_dogs_fashion_sense/
%
A Bulldog, Doberman, and a Chihuahua Walk Into a Bar...

A Bulldog, Doberman, and Chihuahua walk into a bar looking for a cool drink. A beautiful female Collie struts by and stops at their table, saying: "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese!" The Collie replies: "That's not good enough for me."
The Bulldog grumbles, "I hate liver and cheese." The Collies says: "That's not creative enough for me."
Finally the Chihuahua says: "Liver alone... cheese mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97rwrr/a_bulldog_doberman_and_a_chihuahua_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married...

I said to him, "Leave me alone!!"  and when he did, I asked him "Why are you ignoring me?!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97rtvy/my_son_wanted_to_know_what_its_like_to_be_married/
%
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?

Ah well, we won't go over it then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97rqwi/genoa_bout_the_bridge_collapse_in_italy/
%
I man and his wife walk into a disco...

And in the middle of the dance floor there is a very handsome man with a great body and expensive jewelry. Who is busting some serious moves, back flips, moon walking, running man etc.
The wife turns to her husband and says "see that man he asked me to marry him ten years ago but I said no"
The husband replies "and it looks like he is still celebrating"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97rpy6/i_man_and_his_wife_walk_into_a_disco/
%
"Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?"

"No, son. Have you seen my dadglasses?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97rnoe/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
%
I'm sat at my desk repeating "I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye, I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye." I'm saying it quietly, though.

I don't want my colleagues to find out I have a pen chant for violence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97rm3f/im_sat_at_my_desk_repeating_im_gonna_stick_my_pen/
%
The rich lady comes home after a day of shopping,

when she stumbles on one of her many servants in the hallway. She looks at him head to toe, and demands:
\- Come here.
The servant, heads down, obeys.
\- Take off my jacket.
Hands shaking, he obliges.
\- Now... Take off my dress.
Slowly, he does so.
\- Hm... Now take off my socks and my garter belt.
He does so, not saying a word.
\- Now... My bra and my panties!
Looking down and shaking, he obeys.
\- Now, if I get you wearing my clothes ever again, I will fire you once and for all, do you understand?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97rlqe/the_rich_lady_comes_home_after_a_day_of_shopping/
%
Drawing pictures on a date

The owner of a large furniture store in the midwest arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.
He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.
Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.
After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.
It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
He was dumbfounded, and to this day has never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97rk3h/drawing_pictures_on_a_date/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo’ drizzle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97rj25/why_does_snoop_dogg_carry_an_umbrella/
%
I've started to read a book about anti-gravity.

I can't put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97rir6/ive_started_to_read_a_book_about_antigravity/
%
If someone donates their kidney, they get praised for their selflessness...

But if I donate five, I get arrested?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97reyg/if_someone_donates_their_kidney_they_get_praised/
%
Feminism is so complicated

Even I don't understand it, and I am a man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97rcwx/feminism_is_so_complicated/
%
Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97rbw5/authorities_fear_that_the_collapsed_bridge_in/
%
Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place

. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.
It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions.
.
"What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.
"I was a carpenter", the man replies.
"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.
"I had a son. He was attached to a wooden cross with holes in his feet and hands. Then he became alive."
Jesus starts tearing up, and asks with a somewhat broken voice "dad?"
The man looks up in surprise and responds. "Pinocchio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97rbn0/saint_peter_decides_to_take_a_day_off_work_and/
%
What's the difference between a beautiful woman and a mouse?

One charms the he's and the other harms the cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ragg/whats_the_difference_between_a_beautiful_woman/
%
I am not a sexist but...

female mosquitos don't belong in a workplace.  They suck the life right out of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97r87g/i_am_not_a_sexist_but/
%
Astronaut 1: Hey man, I can't find any milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97qyo3/astronaut_1_hey_man_i_cant_find_any_milk_for_my/
%
Yugi: Kaiba! How come Your card grabbed my card's groin and threatened to deport it...

Kaiba: You fool! You've activated my Trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97qt3j/yugi_kaiba_how_come_your_card_grabbed_my_cards/
%
Dave is a man who knows everyone

Dave is bragging to his boss one day.
“I know everyone there is to know!” He says
Calling his bluff, his boss says “What about Tom Cruise?”
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood. On the set of the new movie, Dave spots Tom and yells to him
“Dave! Ah, I was just going to shoot a scene but hey, let’s grab drinks!”
So Dave and Tom go to the bar. When Dave returns to his boss, his boss is still not fully convinced.
“Barrack Obama?” He tries
So Dave and his boss fly to DC and stand outside the White House. Obama leaves the White House and notices Dave and waves him over.
“Dave!” The president says, “Great to see you! Hey, let’s go get drinks.”
Dave returns and his boss is desperate now. On a last ditch attempt he says “The Pope!”
So Dave and his boss fly out Rome. The Pope is preparing to exit out onto the balcony, so there is a noticeable crowd. Dave gets nervous.
“Oh, he’ll never notice me in the crowd. I know the guards, I’ll go see him.” And dave disappears into the crowd. Moments later, Dave emerges out onto the balcony with the Pope.
Dave returns to his boss to find him surrounded by paramedics.
“What happened?” He asks
“I had a heart attack.”
“How?”
“It was the last straw. You came out on the balcony and the guy next to me goes:
“‘Who the Hell is up there with Dave?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97qrzx/dave_is_a_man_who_knows_everyone/
%
Sex is like basketball

You dribble a little before you shoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97qrfj/sex_is_like_basketball/
%
My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"
I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97qogm/my_girlfriend_is_mad_because_i_keep_getting_free/
%
I saw Mission Impossible: Fallout yesterday.

It's probably the longest iPhone commercial I'll ever watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97qo82/i_saw_mission_impossible_fallout_yesterday/
%
So there are a boy playing his X-Box whilst his girlfriend watches.

So the boy says: "Why do you look so sad?"
The girl is silent. He turns off the X-Box.
His girlfriend asks: "Why did you turn it off?"
"Because I have something far better to play with!"
She blushes...
He turns on his PS4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97qnvq/so_there_are_a_boy_playing_his_xbox_whilst_his/
%
A plane has a horrible accident...

...and is split in half horizontally. Everyone is holding onto the oxygen masks above with their legs dangling in the air.
The captain shouts to the passengers, "We can make it, but the weight's off - at least one person needs to let go or else none of us will make it!"
Willing to die for a good cause, a young man shouts "I will sacrifice my life for all of you!"
Everyone claps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97qnlk/a_plane_has_a_horrible_accident/
%
There are many already outstanding reasons not to leave one's automated cloning machine out in the forest...

...but the obvious bears repeating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97qmoa/there_are_many_already_outstanding_reasons_not_to/
%
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean

and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned and went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97qlmg/there_was_a_preacher_who_fell_in_the_ocean/
%
I asked my mum how much is in a couple

She told me "Around two or three."
Probably explains why dad left her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97qgg3/i_asked_my_mum_how_much_is_in_a_couple/
%
I had to break up with my crossed-eyed girlfriend...

Because she was seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97qg6h/i_had_to_break_up_with_my_crossedeyed_girlfriend/
%
Husband says to wife: Babe, do I please you in bed?

Wife: Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Husband: What trick?
Wife: The one where you stfu and go to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97qfqi/husband_says_to_wife_babe_do_i_please_you_in_bed/
%
I'm a bit of a wizard when it comes to talking to animals.

I have a dog called woof. I asked him it's name, and it said woof. I have a cat called meow, because it said meow when I asked her name. And I have a parrot called Whatsyourname.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97qdq8/im_a_bit_of_a_wizard_when_it_comes_to_talking_to/
%
Political joke good joke

A politician is visiting a local school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone could give him an example of a ‘tragedy’. Mohan stands up and says, ‘If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.’
‘No,’ the politician says. ‘That would be an accident.’
Asha raises her hand. ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone mvolvedw that would be a tragedy.’
‘I’m afraid not. That is what we would call a great loss.’
The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. ‘What?’ asks the politician, ‘isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’
Finally, Rahul raises his hand. In a timid voice, he ' says, ‘If an airplane carrying you was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy.’
‘Wonderful! Marvellous! And can you tell 'me why that would be a tragedy?’
‘Well,’ says R'ahul, ‘because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97q93w/political_joke_good_joke/
%
Lies in shit.

A little boy went up to his dad and asked the meaning of politics. The father explained, calling himself the capitalist as he was the earning member of the house, the boy’s mother the government as she looked after the house and administered money, his son the public as he would see everything going on, the boy’s baby brother the future of the country, and the maid the working class.
‘All these function together in a system known as politics.’ The boy was confused and admitted that he did not follow. He went to bed disappointed. In the middle of the night, he felt very restless and went up to his dad again. He went to the master bedroom but his dad wasn’t there. The boy checked in his brother’s room, but he wasn’t there either. Instead, he noticed that his brother had soiled his nappy and went looking for the maid to clean the mess. There he saw his dad having sex with the maid. He saw everything and went back to sleep
Next morning, at the breakfast table, the boy’s dad asked him if he understood what politics was. The boy nodded and said, ‘In politics, the capitalist screws the working class while the government sleeps and the public watches, while the future of the country lies in shit.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97q79r/lies_in_shit/
%
You know what they say. Big hands, big feet...

Two outta three ain't bad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97q5ej/you_know_what_they_say_big_hands_big_feet/
%
What sport are Mexicans best at?

Cross country!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97pz7w/what_sport_are_mexicans_best_at/
%
All Electrons were having the party

Suddenly protons attacked them..
A hero came and saved the electrons..
Electrons asked hero: "Who are you ?? "
.
.
.
.
Hero said : " BOND .. COVALENT BOND "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97pz6o/all_electrons_were_having_the_party/
%
Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97pppp/use_any_units_youd_like_actually_happened_in_a/
%
Congrats! You're on the new game show, Serbia or Suburbia!

Contestant #1, who drinks vodka immediately when they get off work, because their country is falling apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ppda/congrats_youre_on_the_new_game_show_serbia_or/
%
How can you tell Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?

He’s the one with the sesame seed buns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97podg/how_can_you_tell_ronald_mcdonald_at_a_nude_beach/
%
did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar

he got 12 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97pnsg/did_you_hear_about_the_crook_who_stole_a_calendar/
%
Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on.

She said I also look better without her glasses on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97pnbw/told_a_girl_she_looks_better_without_her_glasses/
%
Three guys are knocking on heavens door. (Sorry for my english)

After a few minutes Petrus comes, wearing his cozy pyjamas, saying: "Guys its late, i need to get some rest, we are closed for today."
"Ehm Petrus", one man replied, "we are kinda dead so please open the door."
Petrus sighs. "Ok, each one of you tells me the story of his death, and if its funny, you can come in."
So the first man begins.
"You see Petrus, i am married for 10 years now but lately i had the feeling that my wife is cheating on me. I usually work until 7pm but today i went home early to ckeck on my wife. When i was home i even took the stairs to the 6th floor so my wife couldnt hear the elevator. I opened the door and ran in the bedroom, seeing my wife naked on the bad. She has never done that for me ever. So i checked everywhere but noone was in our appartment. I cant tell you how pissed i was. So i went on the balcony to smoke a cigarette and what did i see? Some idiot hanging on my balcony. So i instantly started to step on his fingers until he finally fell. But this asshead was so lucky that he landed in a big tree in our garden and survived. So i took the fridge from our balcony and threw it over the balustrade. Unfortunatly the power cable was wrapped around my ankle and well, now im here."
Petrus chuckles. "Thats a good story. You can come in. Whos next?"
So the second guys begins. "You know, im a window cleaner. Today i worked in the 7th floor of a huge building cleaning the windows from outside. After i was done i wanted to check on my work, took a step back, slipped and fell. Fortunatly i was able to hold tight to a balcony on the 6th floor. I just wanted to pull myself up when some idiot came on the balcony and started to step on my fingers. So i fell again. But this time i landed in a big tree. I couldnt believe that i was still alive when i saw a fridge falling down on me. And now im here.
Petrus is laughing. "Good story you can come in aswell. And now the last story please"
The last man hesitates. "Well Petrus, i dont know how to say this but, you see, i was crouching naked in a fridge...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97pmby/three_guys_are_knocking_on_heavens_door_sorry_for/
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My very smart girlfriend says men think with their penises

That woman blows my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97pk1z/my_very_smart_girlfriend_says_men_think_with/
%
A man goes and gets a lady of the night for 5 dollars. He got crabs.

The next day he went to complain.
She said, what did you expect? Lobster?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97pjje/a_man_goes_and_gets_a_lady_of_the_night_for_5/
%
A man is jogging along the road when he find an absolutely pristine tennis ball on the ground.

It doesn't seem to belong to anyone. So he picks it up and puts it in his pocket.
While waiting at a cross walk another man notices the bulge and asks "What is that?"
"A tennis ball" he replies.
"Oh, that must hurt a lot! I once had a Tennis Elbow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97pjfw/a_man_is_jogging_along_the_road_when_he_find_an/
%
Two Irishmen are nailing a floor

Patty picks up a nail, looks at it and throws it away. He picks up another, looks at it and throws it away as well. Mick sees him and asks what he’s doing.
Patty - Them nails were no good, they were upside down.
Mick - You idiot, save those ones for the roof...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97pdh1/two_irishmen_are_nailing_a_floor/
%
I miss my ex-wife every time I see the sun.

I should probably try to snipe her at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97pavw/i_miss_my_exwife_every_time_i_see_the_sun/
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A girl is dared by a boy to climb the school flagpole.

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets her five bucks.
She tells her mom after school, feeling proud of her accomplishment.
“Oh honey, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her head.
A little wiser she returns to school the next day. This time the boy offers her ten dollars to climb the pole. She thinks this is a pretty good racket so she does.
Again after school she tells her mom who is this time a little upset.
“But sweetie remember what I said last time, he’s just trying to see your underwear.”
The girl grins slyly and responds “I know, that’s why I didn’t wear any underwear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97pa9b/a_girl_is_dared_by_a_boy_to_climb_the_school/
%
Why did the Amputee Buy a Gun?

He Wanted to be Armed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97p4p1/why_did_the_amputee_buy_a_gun/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97p4g8/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
I finally understand why vegans are so healthy

Because every time they go out they have to walk twice as far to find a vegan friendly restaurant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97p31y/i_finally_understand_why_vegans_are_so_healthy/
%
I've heard that a plateau...

Is the highest form of flattery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97p2f1/ive_heard_that_a_plateau/
%
Why do spies always wear hats?

Because they are undercover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97oz4c/why_do_spies_always_wear_hats/
%
Have you ever smelled moth balls?

How’d you get their little legs apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97oyh3/have_you_ever_smelled_moth_balls/
%
Two blondes are having a coffee at the local cafe.

They see a flower delivery truck pull up in front of the apartment building across the street and the delivery guy goes inside.   The first blonde remarks "You know, whenever my boyfriend gets me flowers, he expects me to keep my legs spread for a week."
The second blonde replies "Don't you have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ott4/two_blondes_are_having_a_coffee_at_the_local_cafe/
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A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.
The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.
The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. Thank you so much!
Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English grammar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97orlk/a_secretary_received_an_expensive_pen_as_a_gift/
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They say red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom.

Until they start flashing behind you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97oqip/they_say_red_white_and_blue_are_the_colors_of/
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As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you,

But I can see where you are coming from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97opxl/as_a_customs_and_immigration_officer_i_might_not/
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Most creatures on earth are carbon based, but you might be made of Einsteinium

You dense motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97oofd/most_creatures_on_earth_are_carbon_based_but_you/
%
What does a Instagram teenager do for his history report?

Lincoln bio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97onyi/what_does_a_instagram_teenager_do_for_his_history/
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What do you call someone who rips you off on the web?

A .con artist.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97oil7/what_do_you_call_someone_who_rips_you_off_on_the/
%
Why can’t one doctor spontaneously become two doctors?

Because that would be a paradox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ogtv/why_cant_one_doctor_spontaneously_become_two/
%
A man who had recently lost his vision was charged with slander...

They said he was making blind accusations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97of3q/a_man_who_had_recently_lost_his_vision_was/
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Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97odyb/call_a_girl_beautiful_1000_times_and_she_wont/
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So an Irish man walks out of a bar...

Hahaha I know, I couldn’t believe it either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97odo4/so_an_irish_man_walks_out_of_a_bar/
%
A family is checking in at their hotel.

The father says to the guy behind the counter “I hope the porn in our room is disabled.”  To which the guy replies, “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97och1/a_family_is_checking_in_at_their_hotel/
%
What do you call the wife of a hippy?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97oc95/what_do_you_call_the_wife_of_a_hippy/
%
I finally figured out what vaccines actually cause!

Adults

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97o9fs/i_finally_figured_out_what_vaccines_actually_cause/
%
I don't get why incest jokes aren't popular.

They're all family oriented

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97o95p/i_dont_get_why_incest_jokes_arent_popular/
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Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...

What if you aren't Catholic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97o5od/einstein_says_that_anything_with_mass_cant_go/
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Have you ever heard the one about the pirate who walked into a bar with a steering wheel around his crotch?

The bartender said, "Sir, are you aware that you have a steering wheel around your crotch?"
The pirate said, "ARRR, it's driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97o2mw/have_you_ever_heard_the_one_about_the_pirate_who/
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People always tell me I'm funny.

And I always have to remind them I'm Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97o1wv/people_always_tell_me_im_funny/
%
Police training

2 FBI agents, 2 state troopers, and 2 Detroit cops are sent out to the woods for training.
At the end of the training, the instructor tells the class he’s going to release a rabbit and they are to track it, capture it, and bring it back.
First, a rabbit is released for the FBI agents, and the FBI agents return 15 min later with the rabbit in tow. The instructor asked what led to their success, and the lead agent says “I just thought like a rabbit. I knew where it would run and how it would hide. Approached from downwind and took the rabbit into custody.”
Next, a rabbit is released for the troopers. About an hour later they return with the rabbit in hand. The instructor asks how they were successful, and the senior trooper says “We used our radios to call for the helicopter and 8 more troopers from a different post. Took a bit of manpower, but we eventually took it into custody.”
Then a rabbit was released for the Detroit cops.
First an hour went by, then 2, then 4, and eventually the instructors start thinking about contacting search and rescue.
At dusk, over 8 hours later, there’s a ruckus and sounds of a struggle coming from the woods and then the Detroit cops come out of the woods clearly fighting a huge black bear. One of the cops has it in a headlock and the other is stomping on its chest and head and the bear is yelling “Alright! Alright! I’m a fucking rabbit!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97o1jb/police_training/
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What are the cheapest kind of balls?

Deer balls, they're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97nxgh/what_are_the_cheapest_kind_of_balls/
%
Wife comes home late.

Husband jokingly, "Don't tell me you slept with one of your coworkers again"
Wife:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ntvy/wife_comes_home_late/
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A man and a and his wife are having breakfast

As the wife is reading the newspaper, she comes across a strange article.
“It says here that they’ve found a 12,000 year old skeleton frozen in a glacier, and evidently it’s a woman. Now how do you think they knew it was a woman?”
The husband replies with:
“Well it’s simple.”
“How is it so simple?”
“It’s mouth was still open.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97nsjf/a_man_and_a_and_his_wife_are_having_breakfast/
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What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?

One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ns6e/whats_the_difference_between_a_genealogist_and_a/
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The verb is my favorite part of a sentence...

That's where the action' s at

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97nqqx/the_verb_is_my_favorite_part_of_a_sentence/
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Man: "I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character"

Psychologist: "That's a rather unusual mental state... How long have you felt this way?"
Man: "Ever since I was an outline..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97nq32/man_ive_always_had_this_absurd_feeling_that_im_a/
%
What do you call a ton of free weed?

Jackpot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97norw/what_do_you_call_a_ton_of_free_weed/
%
What did the Urologist shout when she made a medical breakthrough?

URETHRA!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97nny2/what_did_the_urologist_shout_when_she_made_a/
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The four things you cannot choose.

1. Your gender
2. Your race
3. Your nationality
4. The president of Turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97nmf7/the_four_things_you_cannot_choose/
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How much lube did the gay couple need to get it on?

A butt load

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97nljr/how_much_lube_did_the_gay_couple_need_to_get_it_on/
%
What goes ha ha ha thump?

A man laughing his head off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97njeg/what_goes_ha_ha_ha_thump/
%
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one

She was furious, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97nip1/my_girlfriends_dog_died_so_to_cheer_her_up_i_got/
%
An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.
The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.
The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.
Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97nim4/an_american_soldier_serving_in_world_war_ii_had/
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My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard with him no longer around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97nij2/my_dad_died_last_year_when_my_family_couldnt/
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What's an antihistamine?

An unclehistamines wife
-updoots for groan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97nic7/whats_an_antihistamine/
%
Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Flex Tape grips on tight and bonds instantly! Plus, Flex Tape’s powerful adhesive is so strong, it even works underwater! Now you can repair leaks in pools and spas in water without draining them! Flex Tape is perfect for marine, campers and RVs! Flex Tape is super strong, and once it's on, it holds on tight! And for emergency auto repair, Flex Tape keeps its grip, even in the toughest conditions! Big storms can cause big damage, but Flex Tape comes super wide, so you can easily patch large holes. To show the power of Flex Tape, I sawed this boat in half, and repaired it with only Flex Tape! Not only does Flex Tape’s powerful adhesive hold the boat together, but it creates a super strong water tight seal, so the inside is completly dry! Yee-doggy! Just cut, peel, stick and seal! Imagine everything you can do with the power of Flex Tape!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ngon/me_i_was_recently_diagnosed_with_hyphil_my_wife/
%
A guy is speeding and he sees a cop on the overpass above him pointing a radar gun

He knows he's caught, and sure enough, a few moments later Smokey is behind him with lights flashing. He pulls over and the cop asks for his papers and whether he has been drinking.
The guy says, "No, I haven't been drinking. Just heading home after work."
"What type of work do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher."
"A rectum stretcher? What in the world is that?" asks the cop.
"Oh," the guy says, "we take an ordinary rectum and use spreaders to widen it. After a few hours of work we can stretch it to over 72 inches."
"That's crazy!" exclaims the cop, "what in the world do you do with a stretched out 6 foot asshole?"
"We put him at the top of an overpass and stick a radar gun in his hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97nf2g/a_guy_is_speeding_and_he_sees_a_cop_on_the/
%
Did you here about the fight on the stairs at the shopping mall?

Apparently it escalated quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ne6g/did_you_here_about_the_fight_on_the_stairs_at_the/
%
I had a birthday cake and decided to share it with my friend.

I decided to cut one quarter of the cake and gave it to him and I kept the rest for myself.
He started crying and whining about how selfish I was.
Me: Alright, so if you were in my position what would you do?
Friend: If it was my birthday cake, I would give you the bigger piece and keep the smaller piece for myself because I'm not selfish.
Me: But that's exactly what I just did so what are you complaining about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97nbmc/i_had_a_birthday_cake_and_decided_to_share_it/
%
Two mallards walk into a bar

The other one ducks
*Ba dum tsss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97n8as/two_mallards_walk_into_a_bar/
%
You are like my pinky toe!

Cute, tiny and tonight I will bang you against the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97n46z/you_are_like_my_pinky_toe/
%
I was at the cinema and this couple were kissing in front of us, not even watching the movie. How wasteful can you be with your money!

So I threw my bag of popcorn at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97n3gh/i_was_at_the_cinema_and_this_couple_were_kissing/
%
Had to put my dog down.

Fucker was getting heavy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97n3by/had_to_put_my_dog_down/
%
BNAG

That’s bang out of order

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97n2cj/bnag/
%
I tried for two weeks to get into this game...

But the Fortnite just wasn't worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97n0tx/i_tried_for_two_weeks_to_get_into_this_game/
%
My ex told me I should see a therapist.

So I started dating one. It definitely works. I feel better already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97mzci/my_ex_told_me_i_should_see_a_therapist/
%
I asked my wife what she'd do if I won the lottery.

She said, "That's easy. I'd take you for half and divorce you."
To which I replied, "Great! Here's $5 now pack your shit and get the fuck out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97mz9f/i_asked_my_wife_what_shed_do_if_i_won_the_lottery/
%
Human brain

is amazing it functions 24/7 from when we were born & only stops when you take a test or talk to someone attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97mxgq/human_brain/
%
A man is depressed because everybody forgot his birthday...

A coworker notices and decides to cheer him up. She breaks into his home and smashes every single lamp/light in his home. The next day she sees him and asks, "How are you?" And he replies, "Well I'm absolutely de-lighted!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97mvk6/a_man_is_depressed_because_everybody_forgot_his/
%
I was on a date at a restaurant.

At the end, she reached around in her pockets, then said, "Oh noooo! I forgot my purse!"
"How convenient," I replied. "It's fine, I'll pay."
I won't be seeing her again. But at least I have her purse, even if I had to use the money that was in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97mure/i_was_on_a_date_at_a_restaurant/
%
What do you call a weatherman who really likes steak?

A meateaterologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97mtqx/what_do_you_call_a_weatherman_who_really_likes/
%
what's the difference between jesus and a hooker?

the look on their face when you're nailing them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97mtja/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_hooker/
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked “if you could be a musician, who would you be?”

He replied “I’d be Bach”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97mr2l/arnold_schwarzenegger_was_asked_if_you_could_be_a/
%
Three Aliens are discussing the fate of earth.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.
"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!"
"Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all," said the second. "The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses."
Yet a third had another idea. "We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see these them".
The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive.
This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos.
The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front were they were executed in the most horrific way.
They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and haves them in obscene ways and those were executed, the rest enslaved.
They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time.
"What's that one doing," said the first alien. "He isn't shaking his fist list the others."
"It almost looks like he's waving," said the second Alien.
"Let me see," said the third Alien. "Wow! I don't believe it."
"What?" Asked the second Alien.
"It's Dave!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97mqgx/three_aliens_are_discussing_the_fate_of_earth/
%
What's the only drink a Jewish bar sells?

He-Brew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97mo16/whats_the_only_drink_a_jewish_bar_sells/
%
What kind of cars do ghosts drive?

Chevy Maliboos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97mnm9/what_kind_of_cars_do_ghosts_drive/
%
Went to an eye specialist because I couldn't read fluently

The doctor told me "Son, I have bad news for you and for what I see, you will have to deal with this condition since we don't have a cure for it" and proceded to hand me a paper with my results. I was extremely happy with it!
How can it be bad news having dailysex for life?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97mkvl/went_to_an_eye_specialist_because_i_couldnt_read/
%
If your mother was a video game she would be rated E

Because she has a great personality and I can't imagine anyone not wanting to be friends with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97mf5j/if_your_mother_was_a_video_game_she_would_be/
%
I told a salesman I desperately needed a new TV.

"Do you plan on mounting it?" he asked.
"No," I said. "I'm not *that* desperate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97m7q2/i_told_a_salesman_i_desperately_needed_a_new_tv/
%
At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant

then I changed her mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97m4fv/at_first_my_girlfriend_didnt_want_to_get_a_brain/
%
If you're German and autistic?

Wouldn't you be auschwitztic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97m38o/if_youre_german_and_autistic/
%
A man walks into his doctor’s office and says: “My nose just keeps on running,”

“But that’s not even the worst part about me either, doc. My feet smell an awful lot! Surely you must have a remedy for both.”
The doctor replies: “Well I’m sorry to tell you there’s nothing I can do. It doesn’t seem like you need a medical professional, but rather a bio-mechanical engineer!”
After a confused look from the man the doctor explains: “You’ve been built upside down.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97m319/a_man_walks_into_his_doctors_office_and_says_my/
%
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97m2da/whats_the_difference_between_the_bird_flu_and_the/
%
A student places dead last in an important physics test.

He doesn't feel too phased and boasts to his classmates that he can still pass. His teacher later pulls him aside and tells him that he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97lz37/a_student_places_dead_last_in_an_important/
%
What kind of food does a Mexican snowman serve?

Brrrrrritos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97lyts/what_kind_of_food_does_a_mexican_snowman_serve/
%
How do people talk to each other in the soul stone?

Snap-chat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97lxsv/how_do_people_talk_to_each_other_in_the_soul_stone/
%
I asked a nun why she wore the same costume everyday.

She said, "It's a habit."
Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97lvyc/i_asked_a_nun_why_she_wore_the_same_costume/
%
A Japanese man walks into a bar..

Just for the sake of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97lsio/a_japanese_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So I adopted a 5 year old child from China

And she said to me: "Why is the sky blue?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97lr4m/so_i_adopted_a_5_year_old_child_from_china/
%
Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank god these are here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97lnus/slutty_girls_are_like_walmarts/
%
Why is Tigger always washing his hands?

Because he plays with Pooh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97lmxh/why_is_tigger_always_washing_his_hands/
%
If there was a competition for procrastination...

I'd probably put that off til later too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97lmk9/if_there_was_a_competition_for_procrastination/
%
Americans won't get this

Healthcare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97lkhm/americans_wont_get_this/
%
Women love premature ejaculators...

they’re always begging for more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97lf1f/women_love_premature_ejaculators/
%
In Hacky Sack, who wins?

No One, they're all losers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97lcok/in_hacky_sack_who_wins/
%
What is the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97lcdq/what_is_the_opposite_of_irony/
%
There was a guy in a bar who stood up and said

“All lawyers are assholes!”
Another guy stood up and said, “I take offense to that, sir!”
The first guy asked, “Are you a lawyer?”
The other guy said, “No, I’m an asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97lasa/there_was_a_guy_in_a_bar_who_stood_up_and_said/
%
A zombie walks into a bar.

Bartender: We don’t serve zombies around here!
Zombie: That’s fine. Is the human fresh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97l9p4/a_zombie_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I had a dream I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda

Thank god it was only a Fanta sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97l6jm/i_had_a_dream_i_was_drowning_in_an_ocean_of/
%
My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.
Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...
...
Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97l56i/my_wife_has_just_been_diagnosed_with_breast_cancer/
%
[NSFW] How can you spot someone who’s suffering from ED on a nude beach?

It isn’t hard.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97l3z3/nsfw_how_can_you_spot_someone_whos_suffering_from/
%
Not angry

A Jewish congregation honoured its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.
She greets the Rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the President of the temple arranged for you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the temple and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you, and you have not heard the end of this!"
Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.
The Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97l3t9/not_angry/
%
What is the common ground between an Ak-47 and bubblegum?

When you pull it out in class everybody wants to be your friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97l2ic/what_is_the_common_ground_between_an_ak47_and/
%
Bus driver and a priest

Died, and went to the gates of heaven
There they were greeted by Jesus, who said that heaven is full, and that only one can come in
So they had to wait for heavenly decision. After some time, Jesus came back and said
"Alright, we can take the bus driver"
The priest protested saying that he has lived a good life in faith, why should he not get to heaven?
Jesus answered
"When you were giving speeches about the word of the God, everyone slept, but whenever this bus driver drives, everyone prays"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97l28x/bus_driver_and_a_priest/
%
The scene is West Germany, circa 1974

A BAOR^* captain goes into a brothel and wishes the madam a good evening, and asks "How much would you charge for the pleasure of my company?"
"One hundred and twenty-five Deutschmarks, if you please," she answers. The captain nods agreement, takes out his wallet and hands over a few notes, then goes to the door, leans out into the street, and calls out:
"All right, men! Fall in!"
\* British Army of the Rhine; originally an occupation force and later a defence force under the NATO umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97kzx5/the_scene_is_west_germany_circa_1974/
%
Who handles financial matters in a monastery?

That's nun of your business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97kzvn/who_handles_financial_matters_in_a_monastery/
%
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.

The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are no longer my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97kzjx/the_coach_had_put_together_the_perfect_team_for/
%
How did the hippie get lost at sea?

He was too far out man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97kugm/how_did_the_hippie_get_lost_at_sea/
%
What kind of bees give milk?

BOO BEES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ktou/what_kind_of_bees_give_milk/
%
Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ktos/zoo_keeper_says_to_paddy_the_gorilla_is_on_heat/
%
Some people can't sleep when they drink coffee. But I'm quite the opposite...

I can't drink coffee when I sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97kthk/some_people_cant_sleep_when_they_drink_coffee_but/
%
Did you hear about the French guy that got baked into a huge baguette?

He was in a lot of pain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ks3l/did_you_hear_about_the_french_guy_that_got_baked/
%
I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p.

I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97knbo/i_sell_balloons_for_10p_each_or_if_you_want_them/
%
two blondes want to forge banknotes

Two blondes want to forge banknotes. They can't decide whether to forge $50 or $100 banknotes - they argue a little and then they settle to a compromise: to forge $60 banknotes. They want to first test it on their blonde neighbour: so one of them goes to the neighbour - after a while she returns, smiling: "Everything went well: I have two $30 banknotes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97kn8k/two_blondes_want_to_forge_banknotes/
%
A Saudi prince recently requested that naked statues be covered up while visiting Rome.

Apparently his 9 year old wife found them offensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97kg20/a_saudi_prince_recently_requested_that_naked/
%
I just found out that diarrhea is hereditary.

Apparently it runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97kelr/i_just_found_out_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
My girlfriend keeps trying to hurt my feelings by calling me names of exotic birds...

Well, toucan play it that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97kcmd/my_girlfriend_keeps_trying_to_hurt_my_feelings_by/
%
Me : What's the wifi password?

Bartender : you need to buy a drink first.
Me : Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender : Is Pepsi ok?
Me : Sure, How much is that?
Bartender : 3$
Me : There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender : you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97kak8/me_whats_the_wifi_password/
%
When I was younger I used to have these little plastic cut outs for drawing around.

I’d do them all the time, almost compulsively, but there would always be more. I’d spend hours and never run out. Then I realised, I’d never be done, I’d never accomplish anything because there would always be more and long after I stopped or died they’d be there.
Anyway that’s the story of my first extra stencil crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97k9d1/when_i_was_younger_i_used_to_have_these_little/
%
Just bros being bros...

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are sitting in a park, when suddenly they see a cat passing by.
Zoophile: "Let's fuck the cat."
Sadist: "Let's fuck the cat and then torture it!"
Murderer: "Let's fuck the cat, torture it and then kill it!"
Necrophile: "Let's fuck the cat, torture it, kill it and then fuck it again!"
Pyromaniac: "Let's fuck the cat, torture it, kill it, fuck it again and then burn it!"
There's a silence. They turn to the masochist who looks at them with puppy eyes and softly says: "Meeeow..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97k93b/just_bros_being_bros/
%
Person who created ‘Autocorrect’ died.....

May his sole restaurant in peas..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97k6p7/person_who_created_autocorrect_died/
%
My friend said I have no idea what the word "irony" means

Which is incredibly ironic, as we were both standing at a bus stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97k4gi/my_friend_said_i_have_no_idea_what_the_word_irony/
%
What's the most important thing to do when your ex tells you they are HIV positive?

Act surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97k43o/whats_the_most_important_thing_to_do_when_your_ex/
%
A frog walks into a bank looking to get a loan.

He walks up to the first teller available, Mrs Whack.
“Mrs Whack, I would like a loan”
“But you are a frog!?!”
“Yup, I just need a small loan though, I just want to buy my own lily pad.”
“Okay, well what is your name?”
“Kermit”
“You aren’t Kermit the frog!”
“Oh no, I’m just named after him, my full name is Kermit Jagger”
“Like, Mick Jagger?”
“Yup, that’s my dad … he gets around.”
Still slightly confused, Mrs Whack decides it would just be faster to press on than to dig down that rabbit hole
“Okay, well, do you have any collateral”
“Sure do, but it’s very special to me, and I only let people I’m on a first name basis with see it. May I ask your first name”
“Patty”
“Okay Patty, you seem like a nice lady, here’s my collateral”
The frog pulls out a tiny little pink elephant statue and hands it to Patty. She is still very confused, but decides to press on. She goes to the bank managers office and tells him about the frog that wants the loan. Hands him the pink elephant and asks “what is this?” … to which he replies: “It’s a nick nack, Patty Whack! Now give that Frog a loan! His Pappa was a Rolling Stone!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97k23z/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank_looking_to_get_a_loan/
%
A Drill Sergeant walks into a Whore House (NSFW)

A Drill Sergeant walks into a Whore House and asks for a companion for the evening and a lady joins him upstairs in a room.
She starts getting undressed and he decides to show her a trick. The Drill Sergeant says, "Wait, watch this, I wanna show you a trick."
He takes off his uniform and hangs it up then says in his most commanding voice, "Dick! ATTENCH-HUN!" and instantly, his dick is hard as a rock.
The whore claps and gets excited, asking, "Ooh! Can you do it the other way, too?"
"Dick! AT EASE!" and instantly, he's soft again. She claps and says, no way, I totally don't believe it. Do it again.
So he does it again, "Dick! ATTENCH-HUN!" and he's hard as a rock again.
She's excited at this point, clapping again. He takes a step toward her, to get down to business, and she stops him. "No, no, make it soft again, that's a neat trick!"
He looks at her a little weird, but does it:  "Dick! AT EASE!" and instantly, he's soft again.
She claps again like it's the coolest thing she's ever seen. She tells him, "Wait right here, I'll be right back." and leaves the room.
A couple of minutes later, she returns with about 9 of her scantily clad friends, some completely naked, some partially clothed in negligee's and others just in a bra and panties. She tells him, "OK, do it again, so they can all see."
"Dick! ATTENCH-HUN!" and instantly, his dick is hard as a rock again. "Ok, who wants some of this?"
The girls all giggle and the first one says, "Now show 'em the other way, too!"
"Dick! AT EASE!"
**"AT EASE!"**
#"AT EASE!"
He then turns and starts furiously jacking it like it owes him money.
The scantily clad girls ask, "OMG, what are you doing!? We can take care of that for you!"
The Drill Sergeant says, "I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge, ma'am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jxch/a_drill_sergeant_walks_into_a_whore_house_nsfw/
%
There are two rules to remember in the entertainment industry.

The first is to always leave the audience wanting more. And the second

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jwjy/there_are_two_rules_to_remember_in_the/
%
A proton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of water

The bartender asks "are you sure thats all you want?" to which the proton responds "I'm positive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jtoj/a_proton_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
%
There is a long line to take off at the airport...

And one pilot says on the radio: I’m fucking bored. Then a female voice says angrily: who was that, identify yourself! And the pilot says: I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jsks/there_is_a_long_line_to_take_off_at_the_airport/
%
Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jrnj/whilst_dining_out_yesterday_evening_i_called_the/
%
What Does a Vegetarian Zombie Eat?

Coma patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jiww/what_does_a_vegetarian_zombie_eat/
%
Colonel Sanders calls up the pope.

"Your holiness", he says. "My business is losing money and I need help. I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'".
"I'm sorry, Mr. Sanders" the pope replies. "I cannot change the word of God. I wish you good luck with your business."
A month later, Colonel Sanders calls back, even more desperate. "50 million dollars to the Vatican", he says, "if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'".
"I'm sorry Mr. Sanders. The word of God is sacred and can't be changed", the pope replies. "You'll have to try something else."
A month later, Colonel Sanders calls back in pure desperation. "Please, your holiness. My sales are in the hole. I'll donate 100 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'".
The pope sighs and says, "OK, let me get back to you." He then calls up his bishops and says, "Gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, KFC will be donating 100 million dollars to the Vatican." The bishops erupt in cheers. After quieting down, one asks, "and the bad news?" The pope replies solemnly, "we will be losing the Wonder Bread account".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jhr0/colonel_sanders_calls_up_the_pope/
%
An old lady goes to the doctor

Says “I don’t really have a big problem, I fart all the time, but they’re silent and they don’t smell. As a matter of fact I farted four times while sitting here talking to you”
Dr. Gives her some pills and says “come back in a week”
A week later the lady shows up and says “not sure what you gave me, I’m still farting, but now they are really loud and it’s quite embarrassing”
Dr. Says “good, now that we’ve fixed your hearing, let’s work on your sinuses”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jfdf/an_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
My wife is a world famous pornstar.

She was furious when she found out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jf2u/my_wife_is_a_world_famous_pornstar/
%
How do all racist jokes start?

By checking over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jf0c/how_do_all_racist_jokes_start/
%
A wife inscribed on her husband's tombstone...

Rest in Peace honey.
Rest in Peace, till I join you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jeos/a_wife_inscribed_on_her_husbands_tombstone/
%
a kid laying in a hospital bed at the make a wish foundation finally meets his idol

he says: omg i’ve been dying to meet you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jd9z/a_kid_laying_in_a_hospital_bed_at_the_make_a_wish/
%
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He's fully recovered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jcu6/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_fell_into_an/
%
A teacher ask one of her students about chemical formula for water.

TEACHER : "Brandon, what is the chemical formula for water?"
Brandon : "HIJKLMNO"
TEACHER : "What are u talking about?!"
Brandon : "Yesterday you said it's H to O"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jbnr/a_teacher_ask_one_of_her_students_about_chemical/
%
I met an Asian girl today with the last name of "China."

It was her made-in name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97jb6u/i_met_an_asian_girl_today_with_the_last_name_of/
%
A blind girl lost her pencil, her ring, and her dog, what did she lose first?

Her eye sight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97j41f/a_blind_girl_lost_her_pencil_her_ring_and_her_dog/
%
Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97j33a/last_night_a_movie_theater_was_robbed_of_over/
%
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The ceremony was pretty lame but the reception was great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97j2ht/did_you_hear_about_the_two_antennas_that_got/
%
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."

"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97izub/theres_a_woman_trapped_under_a_motorway_bridge_in/
%
My commander told me he didn't see me at camo practice.

I said "Thanks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97isba/my_commander_told_me_he_didnt_see_me_at_camo/
%
3 Nazis walk in front of a BAR.

Then an American mowed them down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97irvm/3_nazis_walk_in_front_of_a_bar/
%
A man walks into a bar (LONGish?)

And walks straight to the counter to order a drink. Sitting down, he grabs his drink and starts up some casual talk with the bartender. After about five minutes, he pulls out a miniature piano. The bartender is understandably confused. After asking about it, the man replies, “watch this” and proceeds to pull out a miniature man who begins playing the small piano beautifully.
The bartender asks the guy where he got the toy, and the man replies it’s not a toy, and that there’s a genie down the street granting wishes. Convinced enough to at least check it out, the bartender asks the man to watch the bar while he goes and investigates.
About twenty minutes later he returns followed by a long trail of ducks. In dismay, he says:
“Dude you didn’t tell me the genie was hearing impaired, I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks!”
The man calmly responds:
“Do you really think I asked for a ten-inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97iqld/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_longish/
%
Jesus Playing Golf

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day.
This course had a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that Jesus could make the shot over the water.
"Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it," exclaimed Jesus. "I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,  and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I."
Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try. Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water. Moses parted the water for Jesus, who went in to retrieve his ball.
Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.
"I know I can do this, Moses -- I've seen Arnold Palmer do it, and if he can do it, then so can I."
"Look, Jesus," said Moses. "Try again if you like, but I'm not parting the water for you again."
"Fair enough, Moses," said Jesus.
Once again, Jesus' ball was in the water. Jesus proceeded to retrieve it.
Another group of golfers came up behind Moses and saw Jesus walking on the water. "Holy Cow!" one of them said to Moses. "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus ?"
"No," said Moses, rolling his eyes. "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ip4j/jesus_playing_golf/
%
Saw a Cop walking around wearing a Boeing Jacket and a hat that said Gulfstream

Turns out he was a Planeclothes Officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97iolz/saw_a_cop_walking_around_wearing_a_boeing_jacket/
%
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them... Or because the rest of the family was there... Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ilp4/my_friend_got_mad_at_me_for_smelling_his_sisters/
%
What do you call a black man that flies a plane?

A pilot, you racist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ijub/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_that_flies_a_plane/
%
HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the floors.
There is, however, a catch ..
You may choose any man from a particular floor,
or you may choose to go up a floor,
but, you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your steps as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97iji9/husbands_for_sale/
%
What’s a quantum physicist’s favorite trend?

Plancking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97igr5/whats_a_quantum_physicists_favorite_trend/
%
Q: how many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: hippies don’t screw in light bulbs. They screw in dirty sleeping bags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97idr2/q_how_many_hippies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A man is walking home alone.

A man is walking home alone late on a foggy night when he hears a sound.
Bump..
Bump..
Walking faster he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging it's way down the middle of the street towards him.
Bump..
Bump..
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
Faster....
Faster....
Bump..
Bump..
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door and rushes in and locks the door behind him.
However the casket crashes through the door, with the casket lid clapping
clappity-Bump..
clappity-Bump..
The terrified man runs upstairs on his heels , rushing upstairs he locks himself in the bathroom.
His heart is pounding.
His head is reeling.
His breath is coming out in sobbing gasps.
However the casket crashes through the door once more.
Desperate the man throws cough syrup at the casket...
And...
The cofffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97icxj/a_man_is_walking_home_alone/
%
I like my coffee how I like my women.

All over my crotch while I’m driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ic6v/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
%
My girlfriend told me I have a gambling addiction

'Wanna bet?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ic5o/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_have_a_gambling_addiction/
%
A man was walking through the park..

As he is walking down the trail, he notices a tennis ball in the grass. He looks around, doesn't see anybody it might belong to, so he picks it up and puts it in his pocket to take home, thinking the neighbor's dog might enjoy it. After leaving the park to walk home, he comes to a crosswalk. While waiting to cross he see's a gorgeous blonde waiting to cross as well. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices that she is checking him out. Finally, they make eye contact and with a curious look on her face she asks, "What is that bulge in your pants?" "Tennis ball," he replied. "Oh my gosh, that has GOT to hurt" she said "I had tennis elbow once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97iaow/a_man_was_walking_through_the_park/
%
One day god comes down to earth to tell Adam and Eve that he has 2 gifts for them.

He says "The first gift is the ability to pee standing."
"Yes, yes, yes! I'll take that one! Says Adam.
Adam, happy with the gift of the penis, starts running and jumping around, peeing on everything.
Eve then asks God, "If that was the first gift, what is the second?"
"Brains, Eve. Brains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97i9in/one_day_god_comes_down_to_earth_to_tell_adam_and/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision ?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97i3hx/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Our crack team of experts has done the research

They need more crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97i0nd/our_crack_team_of_experts_has_done_the_research/
%
What do you call a chicken that has lettuce over it's eyes?

Chicken Caesar Salad...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97hzl3/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_that_has_lettuce_over/
%
My father once told me "children are to be seen and not heard"

Then again his parents were both deaf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97hy64/my_father_once_told_me_children_are_to_be_seen/
%
How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Hippies can’t change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97hstp/how_many_hippies_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Yesterday a clown held open the door for me

What a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97hros/yesterday_a_clown_held_open_the_door_for_me/
%
A plastic surgeon applies for a programming position

Because he heard they needed back end development.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97hr6h/a_plastic_surgeon_applies_for_a_programming/
%
What do you call bananas that eat bananas?

Cannibananalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97hq27/what_do_you_call_bananas_that_eat_bananas/
%
Parents in 1998: Don't believe everything you read on the internet

Parents in 2018: Did you know that dogs will die if you feed them ice cubes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97hp58/parents_in_1998_dont_believe_everything_you_read/
%
My wife is furious at me because I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right left away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97hk83/my_wife_is_furious_at_me_because_i_have_no_sense/
%
A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked, but after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss.

"I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said.
"Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"
"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97hjxe/a_young_boy_was_kissed_by_a_girl_he_really_liked/
%
How do shady Egyptians make money?

Pyramid schemes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97hjp9/how_do_shady_egyptians_make_money/
%
A man and a woman had a child together, but after two years the child had not yet said a word...

...After two years of waiting, the child suddenly says: "Grandpa, grandpa!" Ofcourse the parents are very happy that the child has finally said his first words, but the next day grandma calls and tells that grandfather has passed away.
After two weeks the child suddenly says: "Grandma, Grandma!" The parents are again very happy, but the next day the doctor calls to tell them that grandmother has passed away that night.
After two more weeks, the child starts saying: "Daddy, Daddy!" Logically, the dad is totally upset and starts panicking.
He tries to stay awake all night, scared that if he falls asleep, he will die. This doesn't work and eventually he falls asleep, but the next day he just wakes up again and quietly starts making his breakfast, happier than ever. He kisses his wife and promises to be a better man. He decides to do all the chores in the house for the entire day. The man vacuums the whole house, does the laundry and then decides to walk his dog.
He puts his dog on the leash and walks out the front door. But then, just when he is about to start his walk, he sees the milkman lying dead on the pavement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97hiie/a_man_and_a_woman_had_a_child_together_but_after/
%
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door

.  She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.  He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he   asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"  She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am   taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up   again."  The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the   door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to   the  question because I want to a see where he's going with this."  She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.  Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a  Vagina?"  "Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my   wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97hi59/a_woman_is_at_home_when_she_hears_someone/
%
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97heky/whats_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_man_on/
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What's worse than waking up to a dick drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97h6yy/whats_worse_than_waking_up_to_a_dick_drawn_on/
%
Two eight year old boys are chatting...

Boy 1: 'I found a used condom on our patio this morning.'
Boy 2: 'What's a patio?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97h6wb/two_eight_year_old_boys_are_chatting/
%
A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*
Man: "Hello!"
Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?
Man: "Sure!"
Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the Lexus dealership and saw a car I really liked, can I have it?
Man "How much is it?"
Woman: "$90 thousand."
Man: "Well if it's that much I want it with all the features."
Woman: "Of course I will! Oh yeah, one more thing. I just finished talking to Sarah, and the and the house I wanted is back on the market, they're asking $880 thousand for it."
Man: "Ok, make an offer for $900 thousand, if they don't take it offer them an extra $80K if that's what you really want."
Woman: " Thank you so much honey, love you, bye!"
Man: "Love you too, bye."
The man hung up, everyone in the locker room was staring at him in astonishment. The man then calmly looked around and asked "Ok... whose phone is this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97gwp3/a_cell_phone_rings_in_a_locker_room_a_man_answers/
%
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

...do I keep the letters?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97gvhy/my_therapist_told_me_that_a_great_way_to_let_go/
%
Your anus moves the same way as your mouth does when you say poop

The same applies to the phrase explosive diarrhea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97gpy4/your_anus_moves_the_same_way_as_your_mouth_does/
%
Who invented The Round Table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97glkp/who_invented_the_round_table/
%
So I rang the tourist office and asked:-

'What's the quickest way from the Holiday Inn to the museum?'
'Are you walking or driving?'
'Driving.'
'Well, that would be the quickest way.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97gks3/so_i_rang_the_tourist_office_and_asked/
%
Interview for a government job on a seat for disabled people

Interviewer: Your resume is very impressive, though what is your handicap?
Guy: I lost my balls in a bomb blast.
Interviewer: Ok. You've been selected. Working hours will be from 9am to 5pm. Make sure you're here at 11am sharp everyday.
Puzzled, the guy asks: Why 11, when the working hours start at 9?
Interviewer: It's a government job, the first 2 hours we just sit around scratching our balls.. What will you do ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97gif2/interview_for_a_government_job_on_a_seat_for/
%
I swallowed two pieces of string

A few hours later they were tied together
I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97gfs3/i_swallowed_two_pieces_of_string/
%
What do you call a bear without fur?

Bare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97gepz/what_do_you_call_a_bear_without_fur/
%
People say the brain is a computer, but if it is...

Why can't it run Skyrim?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97g7qs/people_say_the_brain_is_a_computer_but_if_it_is/
%
When women remove the polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye

But when hitler does it, everyone loses their shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97g6iz/when_women_remove_the_polish_with_chemicals_no/
%
My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97g5ot/my_grandfather_killed_30_german_planes_during/
%
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight.

Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97g0yr/as_a_child_i_watched_mary_poppins_so_many_times_i/
%
You know nothing about embarrasment if you have never watched porn with your parents. I did, although they looked happy

on the screen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97g09r/you_know_nothing_about_embarrasment_if_you_have/
%
What's the worst thing of making tunnels?

It's boring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97fzn4/whats_the_worst_thing_of_making_tunnels/
%
NSFW Why are nurses bad at giving BJs?

They always wait for the swelling to go down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97fyk2/nsfw_why_are_nurses_bad_at_giving_bjs/
%
Three girls decide to swim across a long lake.

They want to find out which swimming style is better. So they each choose a different stroke. The race starts and all three start giving it their all not paying too much attention to the others. The brunette uses the front stroke and comes in first by about 5 mins. The red head shows up doing the back stroke and they say ya we figured this would be the outcome. Then the blonde shows up an hour later as the other two are sun tanning, and they ask what took so long, to which she replies my tits are killing me, why did I get the breast stroke anyways?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97fuwb/three_girls_decide_to_swim_across_a_long_lake/
%
The Frog

I am usually a good golf player but I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, three wood. I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard ..three wood. I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and it was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked it up and took it along with me. At the next hole it told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.
That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, kiss me. Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but it said it again. So I kissed the frog and it turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97fu6a/the_frog/
%
A dirty joke my dad told me

There was a little boy named Timmy. He was too young to shower by himself so he had to shower with his Mom.
One day he was showering with his mom as usual. He noticed her boobs and realized he didn't know what they were called.
"Mommy," he asked
"What are those?" he finished, pointing to her chest
"Oh Timmy," she said, "these are Mommy's headlights."
Timmy gave out an 'oh'. After a moment he turned to her again and pointed to her Vagina.
"Well Mommy, what is that?"
"That's just Mommy's garden, Timmy." replied his mother. After, they finished up their shower like usual.
Some time after that, his Mom was busy running errands so he had to shower with his dad.
He knew he and his Dad both had a *thing*, but he didn't know what it is called.
"Daddy," he asked, pointing to his Dads dick.
"What is that called?"
"Why Timmy," the Dad said after thinking a monent "That is my snake."
Timmy, now content in his new knowledge, finished up his as per usual.
Later that night, Timmy had a nightmare, and walked to his parents room to sleep in their bed because he was scared. They accepted and he climbed in to the foot of the bed. Though he tried to fall asleep, he was still scared, and a half hour had gone by. Suddenly, he felt the bed slightly shaking and noises coming from his parents. He crawled under the covers to investigate. His eyes needed a moment to adjust, but when he realized what he was seeing he was sent into a panic.
"Mommy, Mommy! Turn on your headlights! There's a snake in your garden!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97fssy/a_dirty_joke_my_dad_told_me/
%
How does Harry Potter go down a hill?

Walking.
JK ROLLINGGG

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97fr17/how_does_harry_potter_go_down_a_hill/
%
Why couldn't Medusa pass a drug test?

She was a stoner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ffq6/why_couldnt_medusa_pass_a_drug_test/
%
A 911 operator gets a call.

The caller says, "Help! I was out hunting with my friend, and he slipped and fell down a slope and hit a rock and I think he's dead!"
"Calm down. The first thing you need to do is make sure that he's actually dead."
The operator hears a shot, and then the caller says, "Okay, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97f8od/a_911_operator_gets_a_call/
%
Stalling is the opposite of rushing ...

But Stalin was Russian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97f8es/stalling_is_the_opposite_of_rushing/
%
In love and war.

A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too had a collection of shoes and has over 1000 pairs with roughly the same value. Fair being fair he insists on taking half.
She gets half of his Yankees, Red Sox, and Cubs collectibles. He gets all the lefts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97f7i8/in_love_and_war/
%
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97f0e2/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘Heck. My wife is better than that.’ The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says,

‘You know?
Your wife IS better.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ezej/two_men_visit_a_prostitute_the_first_man_goes/
%
The captain of Titanic said “i have bad news and i have good news, which one do you want to hear first? They said give us the good news. Captain said

“We will get 11 Oscars!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97exgh/the_captain_of_titanic_said_i_have_bad_news_and_i/
%
Why did the cannibal leave the party early?

He was fed up with people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ewu8/why_did_the_cannibal_leave_the_party_early/
%
The Wooden Car

There was this guy who made a wooden car. It had wooden wheels, wooden tires, a wooden engine. But when he put the wooden key in, it wooden start.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97etc4/the_wooden_car/
%
How do you tell a female ghost from a male ghost?

Booooooooooooooooooooobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97es7u/how_do_you_tell_a_female_ghost_from_a_male_ghost/
%
A mother is walking her 3 daughters home

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.”
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."
The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!" (do an exaggerated impression).
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97es3p/a_mother_is_walking_her_3_daughters_home/
%
I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97erta/i_went_to_the_doctors_recently/
%
What’s the definition of a yankee?

Same as a quickie... but you do it yourself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97eo46/whats_the_definition_of_a_yankee/
%
What do you call a kid with no legs and one eye?

Names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97em1n/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_no_legs_and_one_eye/
%
A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ea4t/a_joke_is_like_a_frog/
%
What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97e9w3/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
I am addicted to Reddit, my son is too...

The doctors say it's hereditary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97e8x0/i_am_addicted_to_reddit_my_son_is_too/
%
My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her
up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97e4qq/my_wife_said_she_wanted_to_have_sex_like_they_do/
%
Two guys are at a fancy corporate party on top of a skyscraper.

So they’re just sitting there, having their drinks, and one guy says to the other, “Hey, did you know that if I were to jump off this building, the pressure between this building and the one across the street would send me to the top of the other building?” The other guy is skeptical. “I’m pretty sure you’re drunk, buddy” he says. “I wouldn’t jump over this railing if I were you.” But before he can stop him, the other guy says “no look, I’ll show you!” And flings himself over the edge. He watches in horror as the man plummets faster and faster toward the sidewalk,   but then notices something peculiar. He starts to slow down, and right before he hits the sidewalk, stops and pops right up onto the building across the street. He waves, with a huge grin, and beckons to come on over. So the other guy figures he’ll try it and hoists himself over the railing. Faster and faster he falls, zooming down until he hits the street and is nothing more than a crimson stain.
Two other guys are watching this whole thing go down, and one says to the other, “wow, Superman is a mean drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97e2yj/two_guys_are_at_a_fancy_corporate_party_on_top_of/
%
How do you tell the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?

A drunk driver speeds through a red light like there's nothing there, and a stoned driver waits for the stop sign to turn green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97e26u/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_drunk/
%
Why did the fencer go on r/Jokes ?

Riposte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97e0ij/why_did_the_fencer_go_on_rjokes/
%
I once dated a girl with a twin

People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and bob had a cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97e0c2/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_a_twin/
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Adam asked God for a partner...

Adam saw that the animals in the Garden of Eden had a companion, and he asked God to make one for Adam, too.
"Ok," God replied, "I can make you a perfect partner. Someone who will stand by you, satisfy you as you satisfy her, build you up as you build up her, and provide the exact compliment to you. But I will need to take one of your eyes, one of your hands, one of your ears, and one of your testicles."
Adam thought about it for a while. Then he asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97dz91/adam_asked_god_for_a_partner/
%
What do you call a hippies' wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97dudy/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
%
My buddy David lost his ID

Now we just call him Dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97dtyl/my_buddy_david_lost_his_id/
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I'm bringing sexy back!

Apparently there was a misunderstanding and I should have never been allowed to take it in the first place...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97drrw/im_bringing_sexy_back/
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One monkey says to another monkey, “what rhymes with Banana” and the other monkey says

“No it doesn’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97dnh8/one_monkey_says_to_another_monkey_what_rhymes/
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What do you call 18 year old wheat?

Barley legal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97dgum/what_do_you_call_18_year_old_wheat/
%
Jack has a excruciating headache

So he goes to see the doctor. The doctor runs all the tests and everything comes back fine. The doctor said he is probably stressed and thats causing his headache.
Jack decides to cheer himself up with some nice clothes. Upon entering the store he is greeted by the tailor.
The tailor instantly looks at Jack and says you look like you're a 38 in the chest and a 36 in the arms.
Jack is dumfounded because those are his exact sizes. He asks the tailor how he knew.
The tailor says I've been doing this all my life. I'm extremely good at my job.
He then proceeds to tell Jack he's a size 32 waist and a size 16 neck all by looking at him.
Jack still can not believe how good this guy is.
The tailor brings jack a few different set of clothes. After he tries on the clothes he is feeling a little better.
The tailor asks jack if he needs and undergarments.
Jack thinks why not, might as well get the whole package.
The tailor then says you must be a size L under shirt and looks down at Jack's package and says he wesrs about a size 34 boxer briefs.
Jack looks at the tailor and let's him know he's been great so far and hasn't missed a size but he knows he's a size 32 in boxer briefs.
The tailor looks at him and says look this is my job, I'm the best there is. I know you're a size 34 because if you were wearing a size 32 it would squeeze and you would have the worst headache imaginable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97dfrr/jack_has_a_excruciating_headache/
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A woman was having a good time

with her vibrator, when it slipped and got stuck in her vagina.  She visited the gynecologist and he informed her, "it's really stuck, it will cost $10,000 to remove."  Looking disparaged, she asked the doctor, "how much to change the batteries?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97dena/a_woman_was_having_a_good_time/
%
I went to a little person convention yesterday

It was boring, just all small talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97de18/i_went_to_a_little_person_convention_yesterday/
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What do you call Batman when he skips church?

Christian bail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97d99x/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_skips_church/
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My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97d6nu/my_grandpa_started_walking_five_miles_a_day_when/
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Why don't dogs and cats mix?

Their bones clog up the blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97d5td/why_dont_dogs_and_cats_mix/
%
The other day, my son was kicked out of the zoo,

The security staff found him throwing chocolates  and flowers into one of the enclosures.  He said he had found 'the love of his life' and just wanted to give her some tokens of his love.   Naturally, I was very concerned about this sort of behavior and didn't want to encourage any relationship of this sort.  So today, I went down to the zoo to discuss the matter and it completely changed my mind.  I fully endorse my son to continue his wooing.  I think this girl may be a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97d430/the_other_day_my_son_was_kicked_out_of_the_zoo/
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My friend claims that his apartment is 100 feet from ceiling to floor.

Bit of a tall story if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97cyci/my_friend_claims_that_his_apartment_is_100_feet/
%
What’s worse than having ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97cu0q/whats_worse_than_having_ants_in_your_pants/
%
There's nothing worse than a bunch of demanding bodybuilders

They always have to get their whey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97cqti/theres_nothing_worse_than_a_bunch_of_demanding/
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My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97cqjk/my_dad_died_last_year_when_my_family_couldnt/
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are politics?"

His dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.  Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.  We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.  The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class.  And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.  Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"  So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.  Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.  So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.  Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.  Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.  He gives up and goes back to bed.   The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."  The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."  The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97cnty/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks_what_are/
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This mechanic in my area went to jail for dealing drugs

I've been his customer for over 5 years...I had no clue he was a mechanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97clcg/this_mechanic_in_my_area_went_to_jail_for_dealing/
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Why aren’t porno movies included in the Oscars?

I mean winning an Oscar pretending to be the Queen of England is one thing, but looking like you’re enjoying two dicks in your ass, now THAT’S acting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97cfep/why_arent_porno_movies_included_in_the_oscars/
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Why shouldn't you pick a fight with a dinosaur?

Because you'll get jurasskicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97cdg9/why_shouldnt_you_pick_a_fight_with_a_dinosaur/
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10 out of 10 mathematicians agree

that only 1 mathematician was surveyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97bz5q/10_out_of_10_mathematicians_agree/
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A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97byn8/a_jewish_businessman_in_america_decided_to_send/
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What's the difference between a bonus and a penis?

Your wife will always be happy to blow your bonus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97bw7g/whats_the_difference_between_a_bonus_and_a_penis/
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Fu, Bu and Chu are three Chinese men.

One day, they decided to move to the USA.
They also decided to change their names, as to not be discriminated against.
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
Bu changed his name to Buck.
And Fu decided to go back to China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97bvej/fu_bu_and_chu_are_three_chinese_men/
%
A little boy walks into his parents' room

to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97bv75/a_little_boy_walks_into_his_parents_room/
%
A man was reading the newspaper

during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope! I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife said, 'Thank you.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97butr/a_man_was_reading_the_newspaper/
%
A man is sitting on his favorite bench in the park, watching kids play and couples stroll by hand in hand, all in all a nice morning.

After a while, he notices two men in the distance, each carrying a shovel. The first one digs a big hole, goes six feet forward, and digs the next. The second one waits about two minutes, and fills the holes again behind his buddy.
This goes on until they have dug and filled ten holes, after which they wipe the sweat off their foreheads and start to leave.
The man watching all this is visibly confused and runs after them, catching the second one before he enters their truck. He asks him what the fuck they were doing back there. The man just shrugs and replies:
"The one who plants the trees called in sick today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97bqel/a_man_is_sitting_on_his_favorite_bench_in_the/
%
My friend said an onion is the only food that can make you cry

I threw a coconut at him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97bmtt/my_friend_said_an_onion_is_the_only_food_that_can/
%
A guy looks over his fence into the neighbors garden to see a little boy crying and filling in a big hole.

"Why are you crying?" He asks the little boy
"My goldfish died, I've buried him" says the boy
"That's very sad, but why such a big hole?"
"because he's inside your fucking cat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97bldl/a_guy_looks_over_his_fence_into_the_neighbors/
%
A man with a stutter walks into a bar and orders a drink..

and the bartender says “Why do you talk like that?”
the man says “It’s just my p-p-peculiarity! Everyone has something p-p-peculiar about them”.
Bartender is annoyed, and says “I don’t have no damn peculiarities!”
so the man pauses for a second, and says “Well...what hand do you st-st-stir your coffee with?”
“My right hand” says the bartender, triumphantly.
“Well there you go“ says the man. “Most p-p-people use a sp-sp-spoon”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97bl2o/a_man_with_a_stutter_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders/
%
Double Vodkas For Gay Sons

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97bk3w/double_vodkas_for_gay_sons/
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A scouser is in a bar....

And a prostitute walks up and asks if he would like a blowjob, the scouser immediately head butts the woman in the face, then walks away to the bar.
The barman says “why did you do that?, what did she say?!”
The scouser replies “oh, somethin about a job”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97bjk2/a_scouser_is_in_a_bar/
%
Most people are shocked when they find out...

How incompetent I am as an electrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97bikn/most_people_are_shocked_when_they_find_out/
%
An old man seems very happy at the old people's home...

..his daughter asks him how its all going. He replies "Fine"
"Are you sleeping ok?" she enquires.
"Oh yes," he replies, " very well - every evening they give me a cup of warm cocoa and a viagra... I sleep as sound as anything!"
The daughter thinks this is a little odd but decides not to comment.  Later she asks the Nurse if this is indeed correct.
"Oh yes!" replies the nurse, "We do it for all the older men... the cocoa sends them off to sleep and the Viagra stops them from rolling out of bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97bd0c/an_old_man_seems_very_happy_at_the_old_peoples/
%
A female friend of mine told me that i should act more like a knight

So i stopped showering, brushing my teeth and i raped her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97bbqq/a_female_friend_of_mine_told_me_that_i_should_act/
%
Why are women like KFC?

After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97b58u/why_are_women_like_kfc/
%
Donald Trump - “I’m not orange!”

“Impeach!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97azyj/donald_trump_im_not_orange/
%
How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97azkb/how_are_tornadoes_and_marriage_alike/
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Men should thank God for His grammatical errors when creating us

He forgot a period.
(Edit: Woo original content!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97azio/men_should_thank_god_for_his_grammatical_errors/
%
My wife left me because I am "too insecure".

Oh, never mind. She was just picking up some groceries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97axc3/my_wife_left_me_because_i_am_too_insecure/
%
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97avfo/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
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What does your mom and a brick have in common?

They’ll both be getting laid by Mexicans later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97atmc/what_does_your_mom_and_a_brick_have_in_common/
%
A cop and a firefighter die and go to heaven.

God gives them each some wings, with a warning that if they have even one bad thought, they’ll lose their wings.
A little while goes by. The cop and firefighter are checking out heaven together. Then, a smoking hot girl walks by. The firefighter’s wings fall off.
The firefighter bends over to pick up his wings, and the cop’s wings fall off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97aq41/a_cop_and_a_firefighter_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
A woman helps a man who is having a heart attack.

The woman asks the gathering crowd, "Any doctor here?" One man answered, "I'm a doctor, what's going on?" The woman says, "He's having a heart attack, can you help?" The man says, "I'm a doctor in philosophy." The woman says, "He is going to die!!". The doctor replies, "We are all going to die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97akv9/a_woman_helps_a_man_who_is_having_a_heart_attack/
%
How do you kill a one legged fox? (dark humor)

You make him run halfway across Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97akt7/how_do_you_kill_a_one_legged_fox_dark_humor/
%
I broke up with my boyfriend and fell asleep while he packed his stuff. I woke up to him gone and he took my toilet also.

Police were called, they saw the hole in the bathroom and are looking into it. Meanwhile, they have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ajye/i_broke_up_with_my_boyfriend_and_fell_asleep/
%
The head instructor at the Al-Qaeda's training camp starts his lesson on suicide bombing...

"Now listen up closely everyone, I'm only gonna be showing this once".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97aiz3/the_head_instructor_at_the_alqaedas_training_camp/
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My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought, "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97aij8/my_wife_just_stopped_and_said_you_werent_even/
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The only thing round earthers have to fear...

...is nuclear war.  That’ll flatten things pretty quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97abhz/the_only_thing_round_earthers_have_to_fear/
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What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97ab1i/what_do_you_call_children_born_in_whorehouses/
%
A man meets a strange woman on a train in a sleeping coupe.

After a few awkward moments they make an arrangement that the woman will sleep on the top bunk and the man will sleep on the bottom bunk.
In the middle of the night, the woman gets up and prods the man to wake him up.
"Please, sir, I'm sorry for bothering you, but could you ask the conductor if there are any extra blankets?"
The man looks at her with glassy eyes and says: "I have a better idea. How about we play husband and wife just for the night?"
The woman smiles. "Well... I guess we could, why not after all."
"Alright then," says the man, "leave me alone and go fucking ask him yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97a6vz/a_man_meets_a_strange_woman_on_a_train_in_a/
%
A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription

and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97a4hc/a_doctor_reaches_into_his_smock_to_get_a_pen_to/
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What do you call a microorganism that listens to Classical music?

Bach-teria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97a2qo/what_do_you_call_a_microorganism_that_listens_to/
%
I have to go talk to the bank today.

If everything goes well, I will finally be out of debt. I'm so excited, I can barely get my ski mask on!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/979yjz/i_have_to_go_talk_to_the_bank_today/
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Did you hear about the new generic Viagra?

Yeah, it's  called *Mycoxafloppin*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/979xi3/did_you_hear_about_the_new_generic_viagra/
%
What do you call a water-skier with no arms or legs?

Skip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/979w46/what_do_you_call_a_waterskier_with_no_arms_or_legs/
%
I went to the perfume store and asked the guy there, "Penny for your thoughts?"

He replied, "I'm quite sorry, sir, but I only have scents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/979uj1/i_went_to_the_perfume_store_and_asked_the_guy/
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I can't take credit for this joke, but it's my go to. So, Mickey Mouse was talking to his divorce lawyer ...

and the lawyer says "You can't divorce Minnie because she's crazy" Mickey replies "I didn't say she was crazy ... I said she was fucking Goofy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/979ss1/i_cant_take_credit_for_this_joke_but_its_my_go_to/
%
A Protestant archaeologist uncovered Jesus Christ’s tomb.

And he discovered inside it remains, which beyond any reasonable doubt belong to Jesus Christ himself. The archaeologist understands that this could be catastrophic for Christian faith, since this means that there wasn’t any Resurrection of Christ. He’s in desperate need of advice, and so he decides to call the Pope despite being Protestant, because the Pope is the single most important person in the Christian world. He calls the Pope and tells him his story and asks him what to do, whether he should go public with his discovery or bury it forever to save the Christian faith worldwide. The Pope answers him: “Wait, holy crap, you mean Christ was real?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/979s7w/a_protestant_archaeologist_uncovered_jesus/
%
I live in a bouncy castle.

The rent is high, but that’s just due to inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/979k5b/i_live_in_a_bouncy_castle/
%
Trump's Staff picked their favorite instruments and the choice was unanimous

Lyres, all of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/979gma/trumps_staff_picked_their_favorite_instruments/
%
I have a black girlfriend now.

Because I severely burned my hand on stove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/979em8/i_have_a_black_girlfriend_now/
%
Masturbation is easy..

But choosing a video is hard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/979doz/masturbation_is_easy/
%
I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9796i4/i_quit_my_job_to_start_a_cloning_business_and_its/
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I just got hit in the head with a can of soda.

Good thing it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/979642/i_just_got_hit_in_the_head_with_a_can_of_soda/
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People on reddit are dumb

They always say "whoosh" whenever I correct others mistakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9794p5/people_on_reddit_are_dumb/
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2 twins changing their name.

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee. Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly... A man, their father, bursts through the door and embraces Ving and tells them, "Don't stop, be Lee, Ving", "Hold on to that fee, ling."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9794ad/2_twins_changing_their_name/
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A dog walks into a bar and says, “a pint of beer, please.” The bartender says, “wow, you should be in the circus.”

The dog says, “why, do they need electricians?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9793f6/a_dog_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_a_pint_of_beer/
%
With great reflexes...

...comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9793ab/with_great_reflexes/
%
What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9792le/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_thats_just_been_hit/
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After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9791ax/after_years_of_marriage_ive_finally_learned_the/
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My automatic toilet is the absolute worst. Sometimes it flushes before I even use it.

It suffers from premature evacuation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/978yvz/my_automatic_toilet_is_the_absolute_worst/
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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight...

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "I think I pulled over God, sir."
Chief: "What makes you think that?"
Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/978xvm/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
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I bought a family pack of condoms.

I opened it up and it was empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/978o7t/i_bought_a_family_pack_of_condoms/
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Two friends go to Vegas

But lost their wallets, between them they now only have $8.00.
The first friend says “give me the money, I have a great idea”
He goes into Walgreens and comes out with a bag
Second friend grabs it and looks inside and sees a box of tampons. He says “that’s great, you waste our last $8.00 on a box of tampons? What are we going to do now?”
First friend says “you got it all wrong! We’re going to have a great time, look says right here on the box, we can go skydiving, horseback riding, skiing,rock climbing, we can do anything with these things!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/978ic7/two_friends_go_to_vegas/
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Yesterday my cat ate a piece of Lutefisk.

He spent the next two hours licking his butthole trying to get the taste out of his mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/978an3/yesterday_my_cat_ate_a_piece_of_lutefisk/
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What is the first name of Mr. Bean?

Piratesofthecarib

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/978a3u/what_is_the_first_name_of_mr_bean/
%
A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear...

Ahh Migraines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9784pa/a_wheat_farmer_has_a_headache_and_all_his_crops/
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Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9784bp/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_after_they_die/
%
My dad was in the cashier line earlier today

He was buying a 6-pack of beer, and a microwaveable curry.
He noticed in front of him there was a lady buying a bottle of wine and a microwaveable Chinese meal.
He smiled at her and said “hi there, are you single?”
She replied “yes, how did you know?”
He responded “because you’re an ugly cunt”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9780e4/my_dad_was_in_the_cashier_line_earlier_today/
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail...

But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/977p5i/i_wanted_to_marry_my_english_teacher_when_she_got/
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed...

The chicken's got a big, satisfied grin on his face, and he's lying there smoking a cigarette. The egg, on the other hand, doesn't look so happy. Her little brow is furrowed and she has a frustrated frown. She looks at the chicken and grumbles, "Well, I guess we answered that question!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/977omb/a_chicken_and_an_egg_are_lying_in_bed/
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A grasshopper hops into a bar and the bartender says “hey, we’ve got a drink named after you”.

And the grasshopper says “ what? ..Kevin?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/977o1s/a_grasshopper_hops_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender/
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I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/977mhu/i_lived_in_a_houseboat_for_a_while_and_started/
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My buddy was feeling suicidal and approached me for support

I told him to hang in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/977m0b/my_buddy_was_feeling_suicidal_and_approached_me/
%
I stubbed my toe and got scolded by my parents for yelling “What the duck”

They were angry that I used fowl language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/977ltm/i_stubbed_my_toe_and_got_scolded_by_my_parents/
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If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?

Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/977llb/if_a_is_for_apple_and_b_is_for_banana_then_what/
%
A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a rubber band sandwich ...

He says “And make it snappy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/977jso/a_guy_walks_into_a_restaurant_and_orders_a_rubber/
%
Optimus Prime has had a sexy change and is now a Combine Harvester

He’s a Trans-Farmer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/977fz1/optimus_prime_has_had_a_sexy_change_and_is_now_a/
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Why are sperm in sperm banks more valuable than blood in blood banks?

The sperm is hand-made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/977flb/why_are_sperm_in_sperm_banks_more_valuable_than/
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My lesbian neighbours gifted me a Rolex today!

I don’t think they understood when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/977dba/my_lesbian_neighbours_gifted_me_a_rolex_today/
%
The American President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. President!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland.  I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!'
'Well, Paddy,' the president replied, 'How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
The president paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'SHIT!' says Paddy. 'Let me call you back.'
30 minutes later, Paddy calls back. 'Mr. President, the war is still on. We have managed to get us 10 tractors and 15 jeeps and rounded up 50 people!'
The president sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'JESUS!' says Paddy. 'I'll call you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings back. 'Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and another twenty lads from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
The President was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'FOOK!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again 30 minutes later. 'Mr. President ! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that, why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness , and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/977abp/the_american_president_is_sitting_in_his_office/
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What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?

Ciao belli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9779wo/what_does_a_group_of_italians_say_when_they_start/
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I have three knees: my left knee, my right knee..

..and my weenie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9779u0/i_have_three_knees_my_left_knee_my_right_knee/
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People always ask me, “How does one cope with erectile dysfunction?”

Honestly, it’s not that hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9779qf/people_always_ask_me_how_does_one_cope_with/
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My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic...

I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9777pa/my_boyfriend_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the/
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What does a woman and a condom have in common?

They'll spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97716z/what_does_a_woman_and_a_condom_have_in_common/
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NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.
All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.
I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.
"G'Day mate, what seems to be the bother?"
"Well, we were sunbathing nude and a hornet flew down and stung my girlfriend's crotch, and it's swollen up and turned a nasty colour, and I don't know what to do!"
"Bummer, mate."
"Thanks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976zl3/nsfw_i_was_on_vacation_in_australia_with_my/
%
What did banana say to vibrator?

"What you shaking about. It's me who gets eaten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976vnh/what_did_banana_say_to_vibrator/
%
Why was the crow bitter about his job?

They fired him without caws!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976vji/why_was_the_crow_bitter_about_his_job/
%
Life is like an erection...

The more you think about it, the harder it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976ual/life_is_like_an_erection/
%
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976tsf/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex..

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976tm5/my_first_highschool_football_game_was_a_lot_like/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976roz/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
You must have watched "The Life of Pi".

But have you watched "The Life of Pi x R^(2)"?
It is pointless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976qkv/you_must_have_watched_the_life_of_pi/
%
I tried to tell a 9/11 joke in New York today

It didn't fly well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976qft/i_tried_to_tell_a_911_joke_in_new_york_today/
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If a black-hater is a racist, and women-hater is a misogynist, what do you call a hater-hater?

A really confused guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976pv1/if_a_blackhater_is_a_racist_and_womenhater_is_a/
%
A guy gets on a bus... [long]

A guy gets on a bus—
The only available seat is next to a nun.
I HATE nuns, he thinks. It’s the only available seat, so he begrudgingly sits down next to her.
After a few minutes, she runs her head ever so slightly and he can see her face.
She’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen.
He can’t control himself and he accidentally blurts out, “I HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!”
“Well, I never!” The nun says, shaking her head and signaling the driver to stop the bus.
She storms off and he follows up to the front of the bus and watches as the bus pulls away, leaving the nun standing at the gates to a cemetery.
“That nun was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen!” The man says to the bus driver. “I have to have sex with her!”
“Here’s what you do,” the bus driver says, in his gruff New York accent. “I know for a fact, that Nun goes to this cemetery every night after dark. If you come back at night dressed up as God, you can trick her into having sex with you!”
The guy thinks about it— solid plan.
He comes back to the cemetery after dark dressed as God.
He walks up behind the praying nun and says in a booming voice, “IT’S ME, GOD! I’VE COME TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!”
“Oh lord!” The nun says, pointing to her vaginal area. “This is sacred. You can have my butt.”
“ALRIGHT THEN!” He days again in his booming God voice.
Then, they have amazing butt sex in the cemetery. As soon as the guy finishes, he whips off his disguise and says, “HAHA! It’s ME, the guy from the bus!”
The nun turns and whips off her disguise and says, “HAHA! It’s ME, the bus driver!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976nw0/a_guy_gets_on_a_bus_long/
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You know when you have that urge to eat something just because it's there

That's how I lost my job as a gynaecologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976m4z/you_know_when_you_have_that_urge_to_eat_something/
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I thought of perfect Dad joke while my wife was in labor..

But I messed up the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976jup/i_thought_of_perfect_dad_joke_while_my_wife_was/
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How was your job interview yesterday?

Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....
He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...
He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The wolf of wall street" movie...
So I took the laptop and left...
Left... ?? Then what ??
Nothing...
30 minutes later he called me up, begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it.....
So I asked him:
Will you buy it ??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976jcq/how_was_your_job_interview_yesterday/
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Someone told me the best idea for a date...

Someone told me the best idea for a date was doing something you were both bad at, because it’d make you laugh at each other’s awfulness and make you feel comfortable.
My girlfriend wasn’t impressed when I suggested sex...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976irb/someone_told_me_the_best_idea_for_a_date/
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How do you call a man without left ear, without left arm and without left leg?

All right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976hv4/how_do_you_call_a_man_without_left_ear_without/
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I asked my doctor: "Doc, did the lab results come back yet? The curiosity is killing me."

Doc: "Well, it's not the curiosity ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976hpe/i_asked_my_doctor_doc_did_the_lab_results_come/
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You know what bugs me?

The CIA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9769pu/you_know_what_bugs_me/
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What did the frustrated cannibal do?

He threw up his arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9769k0/what_did_the_frustrated_cannibal_do/
%
Did you know they give out Viagra at nursing homes?

It stops the patients rolling out of bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9769ax/did_you_know_they_give_out_viagra_at_nursing_homes/
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a thief broke into my house last night and started searching for money

so i got up and started looking with him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/976801/a_thief_broke_into_my_house_last_night_and/
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I recently came into a HUGE amount of money.

Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9766n0/i_recently_came_into_a_huge_amount_of_money/
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What do you call a friendly immobile sea creature that offers you food and lodging?

An amenable anemone with amenities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9760om/what_do_you_call_a_friendly_immobile_sea_creature/
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Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Dave: No...
Librarian: One day that will work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/975xhv/librarian_can_i_help_you/
%
How many skateboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, but it might take 16 tries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/975uk4/how_many_skateboarders_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
An Englishman, and Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are sitting in the back of a bar...

The bartender waved to them and asks, “Hey, you guys back there! Can you see me?”
The men look up and respond:
“Yes!”
“Oui!”
“Si!”
“Ja!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/975sr2/an_englishman_and_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a/
%
Why do bear hunters always save the arms?

They have the right to bear arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/975n96/why_do_bear_hunters_always_save_the_arms/
%
Did you hear about the man who overdosed on Viagra?

They couldn’t close his casket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/975ddb/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_overdosed_on_viagra/
%
My grandfather, a ww2 vet, would always tell us the story about how he killed 50 Japanese with his bare hands.

2017 was a successful year for the racist bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/975da9/my_grandfather_a_ww2_vet_would_always_tell_us_the/
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What did the online personality say to the doctor after running some tests?

Is this going to be viral?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/975cql/what_did_the_online_personality_say_to_the_doctor/
%
My pirate friend's marriage is failing, his wife and him don't see eye-to-eye

But, I'm hoping they can patch it up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/975cji/my_pirate_friends_marriage_is_failing_his_wife/
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I assured my wife she's the only one I've ever slept with

The others have mostly been eight and nines.
(Credit: Dan Mintz stand-up)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97573f/i_assured_my_wife_shes_the_only_one_ive_ever/
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the cannibal said in his trial - “If I am what I eat..."

"Then I'm an innocent man"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9754h7/the_cannibal_said_in_his_trial_if_i_am_what_i_eat/
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Marital Misunderstanding

Wife's  Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.  About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.  He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do  I'm sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster.
Husband's  Diary:
A one-foot putt. Who misses a one-foot putt?
(golfing variation of a re-post)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97521s/marital_misunderstanding/
%
Dad look! I'm a 3D printer!

CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR WHEN YOU'RE TAKING A SHIT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9750lc/dad_look_im_a_3d_printer/
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Yo mama so fat...

Thanos had to clap to get rid of her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/974z45/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
You can’t be woke all the time.

Even Fredrick Douglas wore cotton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/974ywi/you_cant_be_woke_all_the_time/
%
What was the Russian doing on his new computer?

InStalin apps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/974y50/what_was_the_russian_doing_on_his_new_computer/
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All the vowels are having a masturbation contest.

They're trying to prove who would last the longest in bed, so they decide to start by seeing who can last the longest by themselves. As they start, A finished within minutes, closely followed by O. Several more minutes pass, and U cant hold it any longer, climaxing. Y, deciding they didnt identify as a vowel today, wasnt present, leaving only E and I. Both of them are lasting an incredibly long time, so the others start placing bets on who would last longer. O and U both place they're eager on I, but A is confident that E will last longer. Then the time finally comes and I cant hold it anymore, and they lose, leaving E the champion.
Afterwards, O and U are asking A, "How'd you know, E was gonna win?"
A turned around and smugly said:
I always comes before E

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/974xiu/all_the_vowels_are_having_a_masturbation_contest/
%
What happened to the body builder who lost their protein powder?

They lost their whey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/974p4m/what_happened_to_the_body_builder_who_lost_their/
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If you're looking for true love...

Find someone who looks at you the way I look at anything to avoid making eye contact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/974nbp/if_youre_looking_for_true_love/
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The patient and the Doctor.

Patient: Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now.
Patient: I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense.
Doctor: Neither do I. My thermometer just broke in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/974n01/the_patient_and_the_doctor/
%
The key to any good ISIS joke...

is the execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/974jvm/the_key_to_any_good_isis_joke/
%
If i had a dollar for every girl that did not like me

Girls would like me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/974h5d/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_did_not/
%
What's Jar Jar Binks' favorite soup?

Miso soup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/974fl9/whats_jar_jar_binks_favorite_soup/
%
I got fired for getting stressed and kicking the project I was working on.

I'm sorry, but defusing bombs just makes me really anxious sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/974e7g/i_got_fired_for_getting_stressed_and_kicking_the/
%
I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot".

What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/974by1/i_got_a_letter_that_was_just_addressed_to_you/
%
Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/974b2i/mary_had_a_little_pig_she_kept_it_fat_and/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/974765/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
Leading a horse to water is easy. How do you make a horse drink?

Put it in a blender with some ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9745ue/leading_a_horse_to_water_is_easy_how_do_you_make/
%
What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other

Gluten tag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9745pw/what_do_you_call_a_game_where_germans_throw_bread/
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street

Proton: “Wait, i dropped an electron!”
Neutron: “Are you sure?”
Proton: “I’m positive”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9740mw/a_proton_and_a_neutron_are_walking_down_the_street/
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I was going to tell a joke about Social Security

But I realized no one was likely to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/973wvc/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_social_security/
%
What do you call a bee that lives in America??

A USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/973ufg/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_lives_in_america/
%
What’s the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

One has hope in her soul and the other has soap in her hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/973uch/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_in_church/
%
I like my women like I like my rice

Brown and wild

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/973u9z/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_rice/
%
Another talking horse walks into a bar......

.….then the bartender yells "Hey!!!"
The horse says "Wow! Howdja know I was gonna order some?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/973rcw/another_talking_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Looks like I’m going to need to have the “drug talk” with my son.

Because the pot he sold me was really awful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/973r4t/looks_like_im_going_to_need_to_have_the_drug_talk/
%
Two black guys are up all night doing cocaine...

When all the coke is gone, one of the guys can't stop running in circles. He looks to his buddy and says, "Dude I can't stop running, I need to go to the doctor." When they get to the doctor, one of the guy says, "Doc you gotta help us. We were up all night doing cocaine and now my friend can't stop running in circles." "Not to worry gentlemen, I have just the thing for you", the doctor replies.
The doctor reaches into a drawer and retrieves a bag of blue powder. "Run on over here and snort some of this blue powder, it should slow you down." So, the black guy runs over and snorts the powder off the table. His friend realizes that he's no longer running, and has slowed to a jog.
"Doc, it's working! Give him some more and make him walk." Sure enough the doctor lays some more powder onto the table, the black guy snorts it and slows down to a walk.
"Alright Doc give him a big old blast, and make him go to sleep." The doctor lays out a huge pile of this powder, and when the black guy snorts it, he immediately lays down and goes to sleep.
"Doctor you're a miracle worker, but I have to ask what's the blue powder?"
The doctor looks at him and says, "Tide keeps your colors from running."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/973nz5/two_black_guys_are_up_all_night_doing_cocaine/
%
I was reading an article about top porn searches around the world

It’s titled “what has this world come to”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/973nur/i_was_reading_an_article_about_top_porn_searches/
%
What starts with an E and rhymes with fifty?

Eminem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/973lkc/what_starts_with_an_e_and_rhymes_with_fifty/
%
What do you call a roof addicted to meth

A drug attic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/973fny/what_do_you_call_a_roof_addicted_to_meth/
%
How many cryptocurrency holders does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question. It never gets changed. The bulb is purchased but sits in the box for years until it’s useless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/973f8s/how_many_cryptocurrency_holders_does_it_take_to/
%
A man was talking to a couple of fat women.

Man: So, are you women from England?
Women: its Wales you idiot.
Man: sorry ma'am, are you whales from england?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/973cjh/a_man_was_talking_to_a_couple_of_fat_women/
%
I have an inferiority complex

but it’s not a very good one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97385z/i_have_an_inferiority_complex/
%
Did you hear about the guy who was hospitalized for swallowing 5 horse figurines?

His condition was stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9737gd/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_was_hospitalized/
%
A teacher asks her student

"Can you tell me what Napoleon's nationality was?"
"Course I can."
"That's right!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9734tn/a_teacher_asks_her_student/
%
Jesus and me have one thing in common:

more and more people stop beliveing in me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9732qd/jesus_and_me_have_one_thing_in_common/
%
A Woman Walks Into A Bar And Asks The Bartender For A Double Entendre

So he gives it to her...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9731hp/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

7 is a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/972vwk/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/972vtk/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_on_amazon/
%
I have two friends who are both from Oklahoma.

They’re my Oklahomies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/972rlb/i_have_two_friends_who_are_both_from_oklahoma/
%
A man was looking for a job

. The only issue was that he had a harelip, so he was hard to understand. One day, he sees a man walking up the street selling laundry detergent door to door, and approaches him. The man says in a cracking voice, "excuse me sir, are you hiring?" The salesman replies, "I don't think you're cut out for the job." The man persists and finally, the salesman hands him a couple of jugs and says, "Fine. Go to these next three houses and try to sell these jugs of Blue Dream Laundry Detergent. Do you know our jingle?"
"No," the man replies, voice still cracking.
"Well, it goes like this;
'Blue Dream can make all your clothes clean!
Washy washy washy,
Rinsy rinsy rinsy,
Put it to your nose, *sniff*
Smells like a rose!'
Got it, kid?"
"I think so," the man replies, and heads to his first door. He knocks and an older man opens the door. The man begins his pitch and has the door slammed in his face. He goes back to the salesman in defeat. "I can't do it," he says shamefully.
"No no, it's easier to find the houses where the men are at work and the woman is home. Try that one, I see lights on but no car." He gestures to a house a little ways down. "See if anyone's home."
He goes to knock on the door and is met with a gorgeous woman in nothing but underwear and a bathrobe over it all.
"H- hi ma'am," he begins shakily. "I'm here with Blue Dream Laundry Detergent. May I offer a demonstration?"
She smiles in pity and invites him in. He finds two buckets, fills them with warm water from the sink and adds some detergent to one so it has plenty of bubbles. He approaches the woman now seated on the couch, and says, "may I have an article that needs washing?"
She gets a look of panic on her face and says, "all of my laundry is caught up except for what I've got on!" Her expression changes and she adds, "hold on a second, I'll be back." She goes to another room and removes her bra for the man to wash.
"Thank you ma'am."
He dips it in the soapy water and begins:
"Blue Dream can make all your clothes clean!
Washy washy washy,
Rinsy rinsy rinsy,
Put it to your nose, *sniff*
Smells like a rose!"
The woman smells for herself and is impressed. "May I see it again?" She asks.
"Of course, I just need another article." She goes to the other room and removes her panties for him to wash, and he begins.
"Blue Dream can make all your clothes clean!
Washy washy washy,
Rinsy rinsy rinsy,
Put it to your nose, *sniff*
Washy washy washy..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/972r6w/a_man_was_looking_for_a_job/
%
There was a contortionist competition being held the other day

So I entered myself... And won

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/972oqz/there_was_a_contortionist_competition_being_held/
%
Wife: "Do I look fat in this dress?"

Husband: "No, you look fat in every dress."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/972o5z/wife_do_i_look_fat_in_this_dress/
%
What do you call a fish on a plane?

Flying fish.
What do you call a dog on a plane?
Flying dog.
What do you call a turd on a plane?
Air force one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/972icp/what_do_you_call_a_fish_on_a_plane/
%
What did the English major have after getting intestinal surgery?

A semicolon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/972fsa/what_did_the_english_major_have_after_getting/
%
Snake: Hissssssssss

Feminist Snake: Herrrrrrrrrrr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/972dg9/snake_hissssssssss/
%
I'm a hypochondriac...

Well, self-diagnosed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97271a/im_a_hypochondriac/
%
They say aside from humans, dolphins are the only other mammal that has sex for enjoyment

You have no idea how many things I had to fuck to figure that out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97244m/they_say_aside_from_humans_dolphins_are_the_only/
%
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow

. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety.
Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9723wa/a_horse_and_a_chicken_are_playing_in_a_meadow/
%
If you work Security in a Samsung store...

... does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9722qw/if_you_work_security_in_a_samsung_store/
%
I accidentally swallowed some tip-ex instead of Viagra last night.

I woke up with a massive correction!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/971yc3/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_tipex_instead_of/
%
How many chiropractors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but needs 5 sessions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/971y8a/how_many_chiropractors_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What did Wolverine use to cut down trees before he got the adamantium treatment?

He used a huge axe, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/971u49/what_did_wolverine_use_to_cut_down_trees_before/
%
A man walks up to a topless girl on the beach. 'can I tell you a joke about my dick? No wait, it's to long.' The girl looks at him and replies: 'Want to hear a joke about my vagina?'

'No wait, you'll never get it.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/971jpo/a_man_walks_up_to_a_topless_girl_on_the_beach_can/
%
Why was the computer stressed after work?

Because it had a hard drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/971ian/why_was_the_computer_stressed_after_work/
%
My girlfriend wanted to talk to me about how childish I am...

...but she couldn't  because she doesn't know the password to enter my pillow fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/971e5g/my_girlfriend_wanted_to_talk_to_me_about_how/
%
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?

Because they’re dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/971cym/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
So a Roman walks into a bar...

...holds up two fingers and says to the bartender, “I’ll have 5 beers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/971bwq/so_a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The key to any good mailman joke

is in the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97173a/the_key_to_any_good_mailman_joke/
%
A mother is watching her son play on the beach

when a huge wave comes and takes him into the waters. She looks up and pleads, "Please God, save my son! He means so much to me. Please bring him back."
A couple of seconds later, another huge wave comes and washes the boy back onto the sand, good as new. She looks back up to the sky and says:
"Hey! He had a hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97164v/a_mother_is_watching_her_son_play_on_the_beach/
%
You know what's my favorite part of my stalking support group?

You never have to introduce yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9714qs/you_know_whats_my_favorite_part_of_my_stalking/
%
A drunk guy was walking on his way home from the bar..

Along the way, he came across a man and his dog..
Drunk Guy: "Hey there! That's a nice monkey you got with you."
Confused, the man replied, "Uhm, sir, you might have had too many drinks for the night. This is Scotty, my Labrador."
Enraged, the drunk guy replied, "I wasn't talking to you, smart ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/970wbk/a_drunk_guy_was_walking_on_his_way_home_from_the/
%
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/970uc4/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
%
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...

I asked my 14 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/970tki/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
%
Im taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off of my legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/970szo/im_taking_viagra_for_my_sunburn/
%
Spelling test

My daughter had a spelling test and asked me what does context mean. I asked her how is it being used?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/970sya/spelling_test/
%
Chinese Proverbs

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/970sfd/chinese_proverbs/
%
A man was walking through town when he noticed a guy working on a fence by their house. "Making a new fence?" the man asked. The guy responded "Nah."

"Just a repost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/970qp3/a_man_was_walking_through_town_when_he_noticed_a/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They are efficient and they don't have a sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/970q69/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What’s the difference between a deep freezer and your old lady?

THE DEEP FREEZE DOESN’T FART WHEN YOU PULL YOUR MEAT OUT IF IT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/970pj5/whats_the_difference_between_a_deep_freezer_and/
%
I always make sure to call my Japanese friends before I go visit them...

Turns out, they really don't like an unexpected fat man dropping in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/970nnc/i_always_make_sure_to_call_my_japanese_friends/
%
What’s the difference between a children’s hospital and an ISIS training camp?

I dunno, I just fly the drones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/970fx1/whats_the_difference_between_a_childrens_hospital/
%
Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97069b/why_was_the_antivaxxers_3_year_old_crying/
%
There are 3 things I like

Fucking dogs and not using commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9704y4/there_are_3_things_i_like/
%
What lies at the bottom of a sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9704lg/what_lies_at_the_bottom_of_a_sea_and_shakes/
%
I’ve decided to sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay

Imagine all the PayPal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9703mx/ive_decided_to_sell_all_my_john_lennon/
%
So I recently tried shawarma.

I really don't think it's all that it's stacked up to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9702vs/so_i_recently_tried_shawarma/
%
A Newfie walking around

A Newfie is walking around with his new pair of shoes but only one is tied. He trips and a guy goes to him and says “you need to tie your other shoe”” the Newfie responds with “it’s fine I know what I’m doing”.
After walking for a bit longer the Newfie trips again, the same guy says “you really should tie your other shoe” the Confused Newfie says “but I read the bottom of the shoe and it says Taiwan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9702m6/a_newfie_walking_around/
%
Why shouldn't blind people sky dive?

It scares the hell out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9700h5/why_shouldnt_blind_people_sky_dive/
%
The Alabama doctor was doing an exam. He said to the girl, "Big breaths."

She said, "Yeah, and I'm only thixteen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zyxy/the_alabama_doctor_was_doing_an_exam_he_said_to/
%
What happens once a year and only at a graveyard?

Mother's Day for Disney characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zy69/what_happens_once_a_year_and_only_at_a_graveyard/
%
A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".
He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.
Thinking it might be British Airways he says, questioningly "The world's favourite airline?"
The woman looks at him quizically, but says nothing and goes back to her drink.
Thinking it might be Singapore Airlines, he says "A better way to fly?"
Again she looks at him, but says nothing, and goes back to her drink.
So he thinks "Maybe it's Thai Airlines. Their tagline is "As smooth as silk"
So he says to her "As smooth as silk?"
The woman turns to him, and says very aggressively "What the F**k do you want?"
To which he says "Ahhhhh....RyanAir!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zxtr/a_man_is_sat_in_an_airport_bar_having_a_drink/
%
Why did the sheep go to Boston?

To drink at the Bahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zwj0/why_did_the_sheep_go_to_boston/
%
If a firefighter has 2 eyes, then what does a ballerina have?

Two, too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zw8y/if_a_firefighter_has_2_eyes_then_what_does_a/
%
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

LETS RIDE BIKES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zv12/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb???????

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zt5s/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A Guy was digging a hole

A guy was digging a hole and when he finished he asked his friend “Now what am I going to do with all this dirt?” His friend said “well, why don’t you dig another hole and put the dirt in there”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zp6u/a_guy_was_digging_a_hole/
%
Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zoc7/steve_jobs_would_have_been_a_better_president/
%
Dads are like boomerangs...

... I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zo4r/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
A knock knock joke

Knock knock
Who's there?
Amnesia
Amnesia who?
Knock knock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zn8x/a_knock_knock_joke/
%
Two mice are chewing on a film roll

One says, "I liked the book better"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zm52/two_mice_are_chewing_on_a_film_roll/
%
God had just made Adam

He asked Adam what he would want for a happier life, so Adam said, " Someone caring and kind, who will do work around the home without question, who will always be right there agreeing with me no matter what I say, and believes that I am head of the house so what I say goes."
God replied, "Well, it will cost you an arm and a leg."
So Adam says, "Fine, what can i get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zgg5/god_had_just_made_adam/
%
Out of all the poop in the world...

Who thought batshit was the craziest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zfue/out_of_all_the_poop_in_the_world/
%
What does a narcissistic owl say?

A: Me. Me. Me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zef4/what_does_a_narcissistic_owl_say/
%
What do you call a pink flower that resurrects itself?

A rein-carnation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96z4b3/what_do_you_call_a_pink_flower_that_resurrects/
%
Karen: You'll never guess what I got you for your birthday.

Dave: A 3-way with your sister?
Karen: \*storms out
Dave: omg did I ruin the surprise?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96z31s/karen_youll_never_guess_what_i_got_you_for_your/
%
Why did Tim Cook go to the opthalmologist?

Because he had an iProblem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96z1hv/why_did_tim_cook_go_to_the_opthalmologist/
%
Drinking can cause memory loss...or even worse

...Memory loss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96yzef/drinking_can_cause_memory_lossor_even_worse/
%
Mark Twain- “A plan for the improvement of the English language”

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.
The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.
Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96yz27/mark_twain_a_plan_for_the_improvement_of_the/
%
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?

He becomes a navigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96yuu1/what_happens_when_an_alligator_drives_a_boat/
%
"If 'you are what you eat'...

...then I'm what I eat!", said Reuben, full of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96yom3/if_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

Hand eyeeeeeeeeeee...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ymyl/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
%
What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ykcq/what_do_you_call_a_phallic_shaped_potato_growing/
%
A rabbi worked the criminal underground had to go on the run after a circumcision..

He would've been caught if he hadn't gotten that tip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ykc3/a_rabbi_worked_the_criminal_underground_had_to_go/
%
If genres were flavors SCI-FI would be sour, Fantasy would be sweet, Horror would be bitter, Mystery would be umami...

And Erotica would be salty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96yk4u/if_genres_were_flavors_scifi_would_be_sour/
%
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles...

He kept leaving little messages around the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96yj8c/once_my_dog_ate_all_the_scrabble_tiles/
%
I had a dream where I was drowning in a sea of orange soda.

When I woke up I realized it was a Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ygoc/i_had_a_dream_where_i_was_drowning_in_a_sea_of/
%
What do you call a river that thinks it's not a river?

Denial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96yfoz/what_do_you_call_a_river_that_thinks_its_not_a/
%
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and...(pause)...... cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ye9a/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_give_me_a/
%
If a firefighter has two eyes, then what does a ballerina have...?

Two, too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96yb2k/if_a_firefighter_has_two_eyes_then_what_does_a/
%
What country's Capital has the fastest growing population in the world?

Ireland. Everyday it's Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96yam1/what_countrys_capital_has_the_fastest_growing/
%
Me, to the cop: You can’t arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!

Cop: Stop playing the race card!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96y5yp/me_to_the_cop_you_cant_arrest_me_i_have_a/
%
I thought I would say ‘I love you!’ to my problems

Maybe they would run away too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96y5lk/i_thought_i_would_say_i_love_you_to_my_problems/
%
You know, capitalism can be pretty complicated

But communism? Everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96y3vk/you_know_capitalism_can_be_pretty_complicated/
%
What did a burnt pizza, pregnant girl and frozen beer can have in common?

Nobody pulled out in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96y17b/what_did_a_burnt_pizza_pregnant_girl_and_frozen/
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I Have No Problems Buying Tampons

For my girlfriend, I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" birthday present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xxwt/i_have_no_problems_buying_tampons/
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Ever since I became an archeologist

My career has been in ruins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xwv9/ever_since_i_became_an_archeologist/
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Once a woman was playing golf in a dark forest.

She hit the golf ball so hard that it got lost in the forest. She went in search of that ball.
She found the ball near a bush. As she kneeled to pick it up, She heard a voice
“I am stuck in the the bush. Help me and I will grant you three wishes.”
She saw that there was a frog in bush. In greed of three wishes she rescued the Frog.
So as according to the condition Frog asked,“Speak your three wishes. But there is a condition. Whatever wish you tell, your Husband would get 10 times more than you”
The woman agreed. And told her first wish,“Make me the most beautiful lady of the world.”
Frog warned, “This will make your Husbandthe most handsome Man in the world. Do you still want it?”
Woman told, “Yes. Because when I am the most beautiful, he would only see me.”
Frog, “Okay. Your wish is completed. Next one.”
Woman, after becoming most beautiful lady,“Okay now make me the richest Lady.”
Frog, “Think about it again.”
Woman, “Just do it. Because whatever belongs to my husband is mine.”
Frog, “Okay. Next.”
Woman, “Give me a slight Heart Attack.”
Frog, “Thin………..”
Woman, “Just do it.”
Frog, “Okay.”
.
Moral : Never mess with a Woman. They are very smart.
Special Request to Female Readers, STOP HERE. Joke ends for you.
.
.
Male readers, continue.
.
So, that lady's Husband got a Heart Attack, but 10 times slighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xvmn/once_a_woman_was_playing_golf_in_a_dark_forest/
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What killed the anti vaxxer's kids?

Natural Selection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xt8u/what_killed_the_anti_vaxxers_kids/
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Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xsir/anton_do_you_think_im_a_bad_mother/
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An Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xrh2/an_italian_funeral/
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Tiger woods

I just got married and as I was laying in bed about to make love to my new wife she said to me,”honey I have to tell you I have made love before tonight.”
I said,”who was this with?”
She said,” with Tiger Woods.”
I said, “ohhhhkkkk then.” I can accept that.
Despite this profound news I went on to make love to my wife.
Once I finished I got up and was walking to the hotel room phone and my wife said,”what are you doing ?”
I said I am going to call room service.
She said,”oh don’t yet please.  Come and make love to me again.”  Weill off I went and I made love to my wife again.
Once we had finished I walked towards the phone again.  Again my wife pleaded with me to ignore room service and make love to her again.  So I did the right thing and made love again.  Again once we finished I made my way to the phone.
“Are you going to call for room service?” Asked my wife.
“No.” I said
“I’m calling Tiger woods and asking him what is par for this hole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xrbu/tiger_woods/
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Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xr9s/stopped_in_a_diner_for_lunch_and_on_the_menu_it/
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What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xmbe/what_does_a_programmer_wear/
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To the person stealing my shoes while I`ve been in the inflatable castle

Grow up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xk6o/to_the_person_stealing_my_shoes_while_ive_been_in/
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A man hurries into the bedroom.

He yells: "Quickly, Emma! Put your clothes on! We need to leave, the house is on fire!"
A muffled voice can be heard from the armoire: "Rescue the furniture! Rescue the damn furniture!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xjs0/a_man_hurries_into_the_bedroom/
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I used to have a fear of speed bumps

I’m slowly getting over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xj4b/i_used_to_have_a_fear_of_speed_bumps/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xifn/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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King Arthur

is about to set out on the quest to find the Holy Grail, but he's worried about Guinevere’s faithfulness while he's away. So he visits Merlin to discuss his concerns.
"Don't worry my liege, I have the perfect device to ensure your wife stays pure" and he produces a rather odd looking chastity device.
"But Merlin" cries Arthur "There's a great big hole in it"
"Ahh but watch..." replies Merlin and he takes a carrot and pushes it through the hole <SNICK> a hidden guillotine blade comes down and slices the carrot in two.
”You see my King, not only is Guinevere protected but you will know if any of your knights are guilty of seducing her."
Arthur is delighted and after fitting the device to his queen he heads out on his quest.
On his return he gathers all his knights and orders them all to drop their trousers. He walks from one to another shaking his head with disappointment until he reaches Sir Galahad.
"Galahad! Of all my knights only you have remained pure. Name your reward and you shall have it!"
But Sir Galahad was speechless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xfun/king_arthur/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xdfc/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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My Hip Hop name is DJ Green Onion.

But you can call me Rapscallion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xcr3/my_hip_hop_name_is_dj_green_onion/
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A British ship was sinking.

It was the first day of an employee of the German boat central. After a while he received a emergency call from a British ship.
"We are sinking, i repeat, we are sinking!"
The German replied:
"What are you thinking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xcd8/a_british_ship_was_sinking/
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David takes his son to a doctor

David : Doctor, my son has swallowed a pair of keys.
Doctor : When did this happen!?
David : Three months ago.
Doctor : What!? What were you doing till now!?
David : We were using the spare keys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xasn/david_takes_his_son_to_a_doctor/
%
I know a guy that knew his great-great-greatgrandfather

He stutters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96xaau/i_know_a_guy_that_knew_his/
%
Have you guys ever tried Krokodil?

It's a pretty armless drug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96x753/have_you_guys_ever_tried_krokodil/
%
Old McDonald had Tourette’s

Ei aye ei aye
Cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96x296/old_mcdonald_had_tourettes/
%
Need an Ark?

I Noah guy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96x1oj/need_an_ark/
%
A father and his son were walking into a dark forest at night...

...and the son looks up to his dad and says, "Dad, this forest is creepy and I am scared."
The dad scoffs and replies, "What the fuck are you on about? I'm the one who has to walk out of here alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96x0hf/a_father_and_his_son_were_walking_into_a_dark/
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There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them

He’s in love with the shape of u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96wyy2/there_were_plans_to_change_the_design_of_the_21st/
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My wife was horny when she came home from work..

The front door burst open, she kicked off her shoes, flung her bag on the couch, marched in the bedroom and demanded I take all her clothes off immediately! &nbsp;
Apparently if she catches me wearing them again she’s leaving me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96wxqi/my_wife_was_horny_when_she_came_home_from_work/
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There once was a gal named Lewinsky...

Who played music like a Stravinsky.
"Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef.
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that goo off of your chinsky."
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown.
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better.
Than a bomb in a letter.
Given the choice of how to be blown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96wxex/there_once_was_a_gal_named_lewinsky/
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96wx4h/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96wtew/the_european_commission_has_just_announced_an/
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Imagine if you hit your alarm clock in the morning and it hit you right back

That would be truly alarming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ws6n/imagine_if_you_hit_your_alarm_clock_in_the/
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Medical Marijuana isn't a new concept.

We've been using smoke to cure things for centuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96wq5q/medical_marijuana_isnt_a_new_concept/
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What do you call a massive pile of kittens?

A meowntain!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96wp3f/what_do_you_call_a_massive_pile_of_kittens/
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I feel sorry for comic book collectors.

They have so many issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96wk6h/i_feel_sorry_for_comic_book_collectors/
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A Gorilla walks into a pub

And asks the barman for a pint of bitter. The barman pulls him a pint, and says, "That'll be £6.50 please".
The gorilla takes a sip of his pint, and the barman says to him "You know, we don't get that many gorillas in here..."
The gorilla gulps down his beer, and informs the barman, "Well I'm not surprised at those prices..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96w85r/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_pub/
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A delicate corporate matter

All of the 10 Senior Members of the Board of Directors of the Company were called into the Chairman’s office one by one   . . .    until only Bob, the junior-most Member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned   . . .
He entered the Office to find the Chairman and the ten other Directors seated around the Board Table.
He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down,  the Chairman turned to Bob,  looked at  him squarely in the eye  and in a stern voice , asked  . . .
“ Bob, have you ever slept with Mrs. Foyt, my Secretary ? ”
“ Oh, no sir, positively not ” Bob replied.
“ Are you absolutely sure ?” asked the Chairman.
“ Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”
“ You’d swear to that ? ”
“ Yes, I swear I’ve never slept with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere”
“ Good, then YOU FIRE HER from the job, We Can't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96w56b/a_delicate_corporate_matter/
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A prisoner was told how he would be executed

Needless to say, he was shocked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96vz9q/a_prisoner_was_told_how_he_would_be_executed/
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How do you tell how much a chili pepper weighs?

Give it a weigh! Give it a weigh! Give it a weigh now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96vsj8/how_do_you_tell_how_much_a_chili_pepper_weighs/
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What do runners eat before a marathon?

Nothing.
They fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96vrcm/what_do_runners_eat_before_a_marathon/
%
People say my wife only married me because she was drunk...

I say, hey, absinthe makes the heart grow fonder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96voke/people_say_my_wife_only_married_me_because_she/
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A Jewish kid's parents sent him to a Jewish school

After a week he was kicked for bad behavior, so they sent him to another Jewish school. He was kicked from there as well, so they chose to send him to a Catholic school instead.
After a month they came to a school meeting, and the teachers praised the kid and said he does really well.
They asked the kid what was up. He said that at his first day at school, while they were showing him around, the teacher showed him a man hanged on a cross and said "See? He was Jewish too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96vjjo/a_jewish_kids_parents_sent_him_to_a_jewish_school/
%
Premature ejaculation...

It's one of my biggest shortcomings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96vixr/premature_ejaculation/
%
What did the arts graduate say to the mechanic?

Would you like fries with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96vium/what_did_the_arts_graduate_say_to_the_mechanic/
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What does a witch say to fly faster?

Broom, broom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ve7b/what_does_a_witch_say_to_fly_faster/
%
I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus.

She looked at me and i thought "please don't get a boner."
She did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96vcbj/i_was_sitting_next_to_this_really_hot_thai_girl/
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I was at a party the other day and a friend of mine showed up in a cab and he was super drunk

It really freaked out his passengers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96vbnp/i_was_at_a_party_the_other_day_and_a_friend_of/
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After i waste my first wish from the genie i decide to do something great...

Genie:   you have 2 wishes left
Me:   I wish the letter G was the letter P instead
Penie:   and your final wish?
Me: I wish the e at the end of every word was an s instead.
Penis:
Ms:   nics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96v9j7/after_i_waste_my_first_wish_from_the_genie_i/
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A Man Compliments His Wife.

One night, a wife and her husband are laying in the bed with nothing but silence between them.
The wife glances over to her husband and asks: "You know, I've always wondered how you would briefly describe me. You did marry me afterall".
The husband ponders her question and then says: "ABCDEFGHIJK". The wife looks very confused and asks what it means.
He replies "Amazing, beautiful, corteous, diligent, elegant, funny, glamorous, and hospitable".
The wife is absolutely enthralled but then she notices something off and asks: "But wait, what does IJK stand for?"
The husband promptly responds: _"I'm just kidding!"_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96v6t5/a_man_compliments_his_wife/
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A lion will never cheat

But a tiger wood!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96v4e8/a_lion_will_never_cheat/
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Fuzzy Green Booger

A woman walks into a pet store one day looking for a pet to buy.
The pet store owner walks up:
"Can I help you find anything?"
The woman replies:
"I'm looking for a companion."
Owner: "How about a dog?"
Woman: "I'm allergic to dogs."
Owner: "How about a cat?"
Woman: "I don't like cats."
Owner: "I think I might have something." He walks into the back and a few minutes later returns with a small box.  He opens it and inside the box is a small green ball.
Woman: "What is it?"
Owner: "it's something new called a fuzzy green booger, observe."  He signals to some employees nearby that go to the back and soon return with an old refrigerator.
Owner: "Fuzzy green booger, refrigerator!"
CHOMP-CHOMP-BEEB-BEEP!
The woman watched, stunned as the small creature the size of a pea quickly gobbled up the large unit and returned to its box.
Woman: "I'll take it!"  She pays for her new friend and begins her trip home.  On the way home a thief pulls her into an alley.
Thief: "Gimmee all your cash lady!"
Woman: "Fuzzy green booger, robber!"
CHOMP-CHOMP-BEEP-BEEP! ...and the thief was no more.
She smiled to herself and continued home.  Further along she walked under a ladder that began to fall on her.
Woman: "Fuzzy green booger, ladder!!"
CHOMP-CHOMP-BEEP-BEEP!!  ...the ladder was gone.
Finally, she reaches home and after settling in, begins to cook dinner. She finishes up and sits down to eat with little fuzzy green booger beside her.  Sloshed from a day of drinking, her husband comes home and walks in to berate his wife for eating without him when he spots the green speck.
Husband: "What in the Sam Hell is that thing?!"
Woman: "It's a fuzzy green booger."
Husband: "Fuzzy green booger my ass!!"
CHOMP-CHOMP-BEEP-BEEP!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96v3d4/fuzzy_green_booger/
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Why did the chicken go to the seance

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96v2i2/why_did_the_chicken_go_to_the_seance/
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A man was walking down the road...

when he saw a little box on the ground. He picked it up and opened it. Inside was a small, black seed. There was a note: If you crack me open, there's a surprise inside!
The man thought to himself, that's an interesting seed. He resolved to crack it open and find out what was inside.
When he got home, he used a knife and tried to slice the seed open. He gently slid it across first, then he used more force, until finally he tried stabbing the knife through. The seed held while the knife bent. Next, the man tried using a hammer and smashing the seed. He tapped the seed at first, then he smashed it, and finally he raised the hammer above his head and brought it down with all his might. Anything else would have been pulverized. The seed held. The man fumed. *I will break open this seed if it's the last thing I do!*
The man brought the seed to a scientist and told her that the seed would not break no matter what he did. The scientist conducted basic experiments on the seed. She found nothing that allowed the seed to withstand great force. She laughed at the man, taking him to her lab where she would attempt to break it.
The scientist first used tools and force, as the man had initially done. She used a knife, then a hammer, then a press made out of steel plates. At the end, there was a indent in the steel where the seed was pressed, and the seed was still there. The scientist tapped her chin. 'This was a remarkable seed', she thought.
The scientist moved the seed under a high heat laser. The seed was soon covered in the smoke that erupted. The scientist first put it under low heat, then medium heat, then high heat. As the smoke cleared, the seed was still there, almost defiantly.
The man made it his life's dream to solve the mystery. He brought the seed to many experts around the world. They all could not make the seed crack. After the many attempts and failures, the man turned to the idea of a key word. He studied the seed.
*Were there any indentations? Would secret words appear? What is unusual about this seed?*
He looked at the seed under UV light. He prodded and tapped every part of the seed, hoping that some secret mechanism would trigger and he would finally be at peace. There weren't.
This dream consumed the man until he was old, when he had a loving wife, many children and grandchildren, a house, and of course, he still had the seed.
Even as he lay on his deathbed, his mind was occupied with finally cracking the seed. He spoke with a trembling, weak voice, telling his son to get his seed. The family shot looks at each other but they respected his wishes while he was on his deathbed. The son got the seed and gave it to his father.
The man stroked the seed lovingly, the object that had stolen so many years of his life. He thought of one last keyword.
He breathed, "Open Sesame."
And it did.
--This was an original joke, and I'm not sure how good it is, but I'm proud of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96v0s5/a_man_was_walking_down_the_road/
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Everyone in my family has extremely skinny legs, so we all have to have our pants custom made. It's wicked expensive.

Damn skinny genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96uzqe/everyone_in_my_family_has_extremely_skinny_legs/
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If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea...

...does that mean one person enjoys it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96uz9y/if_4_out_of_5_people_suffer_from_diarrhea/
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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where’s my tractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96uz3g/what_did_the_farmer_say_when_he_lost_his_tractor/
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My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike.

I rode on, ruthlessly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96uwbk/my_girlfriend_ruth_fell_off_the_back_of_my_bike/
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What does a dyslexic zombie eat?

Brians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96utnb/what_does_a_dyslexic_zombie_eat/
%
Why is it dangerous to walk in a dog park at night?

Because you can’t see shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ukv3/why_is_it_dangerous_to_walk_in_a_dog_park_at_night/
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What do you call a furry that is into bdsm?

A subwoofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96uj21/what_do_you_call_a_furry_that_is_into_bdsm/
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How do you make "one" disappear?

Add a "g" in front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96udyu/how_do_you_make_one_disappear/
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what do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ud3u/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
I miss my ex-wife

Next time, I'll use a better rifle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ucws/i_miss_my_exwife/
%
Why does Stalin only write in lower case?

Because he hates capitalism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ucoh/why_does_stalin_only_write_in_lower_case/
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Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?

The sperm is handmade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ubm4/why_do_you_get_paid_more_at_the_sperm_bank_than/
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What Do You Call An Arrogant Trumpet Player?

A Brass-Hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96uafc/what_do_you_call_an_arrogant_trumpet_player/
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?

... In little knotsies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96u65s/how_did_hitler_tie_his_shoes/
%
I went to the doctor the other day and he told me I had to stop masturbating

When I asked why he said “because I’m trying to examine you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96u3wl/i_went_to_the_doctor_the_other_day_and_he_told_me/
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How does North Korea have such great libraries?

They have a supreme reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96u3nt/how_does_north_korea_have_such_great_libraries/
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Why can’t dyslexic people tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuck line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ty3q/why_cant_dyslexic_people_tell_jokes/
%
Dave was bragging to his boss one day.

He said: "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96txsk/dave_was_bragging_to_his_boss_one_day/
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Life is like a box of chocolates.

It doesn’t last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96tw6p/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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I don’t always recycle.

But when I do it hits the front page of reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96tso3/i_dont_always_recycle/
%
Was talking with a friend recently about security breaches and mistyped “Assley Madison”

I think it has a nice ring to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96tr4o/was_talking_with_a_friend_recently_about_security/
%
Why did the ghost play the piano?

He didn't have any organs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96tpxq/why_did_the_ghost_play_the_piano/
%
On my recent trip to Kenya, I booked a hotel within walking distance of the beach.

You can’t imagine how far the Kenyans would walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96tkjj/on_my_recent_trip_to_kenya_i_booked_a_hotel/
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How about a raise..

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increase." "The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: " Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: " Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: (Really boiling now and gritting her teeth): "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora ... the gardener did"
Wife: "So, how much of a raise you think would be fair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96tj9l/how_about_a_raise/
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What name do you need to win at everything?

Noel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96tf6b/what_name_do_you_need_to_win_at_everything/
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ter1/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby...

Upon arriving, he was asked to sit down as the nurse told him,
“Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets five big baby boys.”
The Redneck said, “I’m not surprised, I have a penis the size of a fucking chimney.”
The nurse replied, “You might want to consider getting it cleaned.  They’re all black.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96tdet/a_redneck_went_to_the_hospital_as_his_wife_was/
%
A woman and a man are lying in bed

next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96tbo9/a_woman_and_a_man_are_lying_in_bed/
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What’s the weirdest thing about fucking German girls?

They’re always screaming their ages out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96t6s9/whats_the_weirdest_thing_about_fucking_german/
%
SeaWorld just announced layoffs and said that they will be letting 125 people go

"Must be nice."  said the animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96t65k/seaworld_just_announced_layoffs_and_said_that/
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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96t5qq/a_man_escapes_from_a_prison_where_hes_been_locked/
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I ate a clock, it was very time consuming...

Especially when I went back for seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96t3qq/i_ate_a_clock_it_was_very_time_consuming/
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A business man gets on an airplane...

As luck would have it, he sits down next to this gorgeous blonde bombshell. As the plane is taxiing, he looks over and notices her reading a book.
The plane takes off and gets to cruising altitude, and the business man looks over and says, “My! That must be an interesting book. You haven’t taken your nose out of it since we got on the plane.”
“Oh yeah,” the blonde responds, “It’s a book on sexual activities and statistics. Did you know that the Native American has the longest penis of any ethnic group, and the Polish man has the widest? I, however, found that the southern gentleman makes the best lover of all.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I haven’t properly introduced myself. My name’s Beth.”
The business man takes a second and responds, “My name is Tanto Kowalski, but my friends call me Bubba. Nice to meet ya!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96t2vy/a_business_man_gets_on_an_airplane/
%
Give a dog a bone and you feed him for a day

Teach a dog to bone and you go to jail for animal cruelty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96szs7/give_a_dog_a_bone_and_you_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping next to you, and be happy that you are alive?

I did and and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96st95/do_you_ever_wake_up_kiss_the_person_sleeping_next/
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If money doesn’t grow on trees...

Then why does every bank have so many branches?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ss2z/if_money_doesnt_grow_on_trees/
%
An adventurer finds a huge tower

On the first floor he finds to his left a ladder and to his right an attractive woman. She tells him, "Take me here or climb to success." His curiosity gets the better of him so he climbs the ladder.
On the second floor he finds a woman even more attractive than the first one! She says, "Take me now or climb to success." He decides to test this one more time and climbs the ladder.
On the third floor he found the very personification of beauty, she was more attractive than the first two combined! She says, "Take me now or climb to success." He can barely keep it together, and climbs the ladder unable to even imagine what the next floor would be like.
As soon as he reached the fourth floor the ladder disappeared and he had no way out. In front of him was a massive sweaty 300 pound man holding a spiked chain and wearing a biker vest. He says, "Sup. I'm Cess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96snap/an_adventurer_finds_a_huge_tower/
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My wife said she wanted to try some domination in the bedroom.

Cheeky bitch slept with my pillow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96smkv/my_wife_said_she_wanted_to_try_some_domination_in/
%
I still sleep with stuffed animals

I can't help it, I just love taxidermy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96sls0/i_still_sleep_with_stuffed_animals/
%
James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.
The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"
Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96slq7/james_bond_orders_a_sandwich/
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The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars
2 - Black holes
1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96skwv/the_heaviest_things_in_the_universe/
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What did one unsent email say to the other?

Does it feel a little drafty in here to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96skie/what_did_one_unsent_email_say_to_the_other/
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What do you call a smiling Roman with hair in his teeth?

A gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96shtn/what_do_you_call_a_smiling_roman_with_hair_in_his/
%
A duck walks into a bar

and asks the bartender for a drink and a light snack. The bartender takes the ducks order, despite his surprise of the customer being a duck. This happens for 3 days and so the bartender starts a conversation with the duck.
\- The past few days you've been coming here ordering a drink and a light snack. Is everything alright?
\- Yeah, I'm just working at a construction site just a round here and I'm here during my break.
Later this evening a friend of the bartender's comes into the bar and he owns a circus. The bartender says to him
\- You won't believe this, but there's this duck that's been coming here for the past few days ordering a drink during his break from work.
\- Really? I'd like to meet this duck. Suggest the duck to meet with me so we can work together.
The next day the duck arrives at the bar again ordering the same things again. And the bartender says to the duck
\- You know... I've got this friend that wants to speak to you about some work.
\- What sort of work?
\- He's got a circus
\- What's a circus?
\- Well, it's this big round tent thing which has many animals, acrobats, etc.
\- A tent?
\- Yes.
\- A tent... made of fabric?
\- Yes.
\- And what does he want with me? I'm a concrete finisher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96shfl/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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Sitting at home I heard on the radio there was a car travelling the wrong way down the road my Wife comes home on so I quickly phoned her to warn her..

'Honey please be careful, there's a car driving the wrong way on the road you come home on'
'One car? There's fucking hundreds of them!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96sg16/sitting_at_home_i_heard_on_the_radio_there_was_a/
%
Why was the snow man so happy?

He heard the snowblower coming down the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96sa7v/why_was_the_snow_man_so_happy/
%
Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96s9r8/was_sleeping_in_my_girlfriends_house_last_night/
%
Why do North Koreans draw lines so well?

They have a Supreme Ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96s6eb/why_do_north_koreans_draw_lines_so_well/
%
When I was growing up, we didn't have a sandbox, we had a quicksand box.

I was an only child....eventually.
(From my favorite comedian: Steven Wright)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96s5kh/when_i_was_growing_up_we_didnt_have_a_sandbox_we/
%
You're running a race in Norway. How do you know if you've passed the last Lap?

When you reach the Finnish line...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96s496/youre_running_a_race_in_norway_how_do_you_know_if/
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I got an odd-job man in. He was useless!

Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96s15t/i_got_an_oddjob_man_in_he_was_useless/
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Love is like a fart...

If you have to force it, it's probably shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rzvu/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
An Eskimo was driving into town...

On an uncommonly hot day, when the car lost power and steam starting rolling out from under the hood. He called a local garage who sent a tow-truck to retrieve him.
Knowing he’d want to get on the road before dark he asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic replies, "Not sure, I’ll have to get into there first- maybe minutes, maybe hours."
The Eskimo is FAMISHED, having not eaten since breakfast early that day. He  notices a donut shop across the street and decided to drop over for some breakfast and coffee. Upon arrival he noticed the cook pull a big batch of fresh donuts out of the fryer and begin slathering them with thick homemade glaze. He decides to just have a few before he left. After a half-hour or so,  he looked down and realized that was so hungry he’d already gobbled up an entire plate of them!
Just then, he heard the mechanic honk the horn and start backing the car out of the garage and into a spot. The Eskimo quickly wolfed down the last two donuts and paid his check. With donut glaze all over his face, on his nose, his neck, and his chest, he walked across the street and towards the mechanic. He asked, "So how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The Eskimo froze, looked at the mechanic and said, "What how did YOU know th... ... no wait, wait- that’s just glazed donuts, I swear!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rwsy/an_eskimo_was_driving_into_town/
%
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention

But everyone was blown away by the leafblower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rwo6/the_shovel_was_a_groundbreaking_invention/
%
I have trust issues

Been wearing them for 3 years now. Good as new

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rw93/i_have_trust_issues/
%
I was complaining to my brother that he sleeps too much

He said to wake him up when i am done complaining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rrh2/i_was_complaining_to_my_brother_that_he_sleeps/
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How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly?

Unzip it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rq8e/how_do_you_get_a_pound_of_meat_out_of_a_fly/
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My friend asked how my mime career was going...

I said I'd rather not talk about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rpgg/my_friend_asked_how_my_mime_career_was_going/
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How do you get to the Nazi parade ?

First you take the 4th left and then you take the Third Reich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rlpt/how_do_you_get_to_the_nazi_parade/
%
What sexual position creates the ugliest children?

Ask your parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rlk4/what_sexual_position_creates_the_ugliest_children/
%
A woman texted me with the message, "Your adorable."

I texted back, "No. YOU'RE adorable."
Now she's falling for me.  I was only correcting her grammar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rine/a_woman_texted_me_with_the_message_your_adorable/
%
Physicists are very bad at sex.

Because when they get the momentum they can’t find the position and when they find the position they lose the momentum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rim4/physicists_are_very_bad_at_sex/
%
Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ri1h/apparently_people_who_exercise_have_been_shown_to/
%
I brought the Girlfriend home to meet the kids yesterday, they were a bit standoffish at first

The wife was fucking furious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rhut/i_brought_the_girlfriend_home_to_meet_the_kids/
%
Why did the cell phone go see an optometrist?

It needed contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rf82/why_did_the_cell_phone_go_see_an_optometrist/
%
So a terminally ill man arrives after calling an appointment with his doctor....

Man:How much time do I have left
Doctor: Ten
Man: Ten what I don’t understand
Doctor: Eight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rcyw/so_a_terminally_ill_man_arrives_after_calling_an/
%
A teacher asks children to name some drug names...

...
Sally stands up and says ”Paracetamol, its for pain relief”
Julie stands up and says “Aspirin , it helps you focus”
Jimmy stands up and says “viagra”!
The teacher replies saying “Jimmy, how do you know that? What does that drug do?”
Jimmy replies “ Viagra is for diarrhea relief”
The teacher says “Who told you that?”
“My mom gives my dad viagra every evening saying - take some of this and maybe that shit of yours might get harder”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rc3m/a_teacher_asks_children_to_name_some_drug_names/
%
Why'd the one eyed man marry the shallow girl?

He lacked depth perception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96rbsm/whyd_the_one_eyed_man_marry_the_shallow_girl/
%
One day at the end of class.....

Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next.
"My dad owns a farm too.
Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.";
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny.
"My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96r8yk/one_day_at_the_end_of_class/
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Why are black Asians bad at golf?

Because they can’t drive and every time they walk on a golf course a cop tries to put a hole in one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96r6ab/why_are_black_asians_bad_at_golf/
%
Why do cows have hooves and not feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96r22h/why_do_cows_have_hooves_and_not_feet/
%
One day a Rabbi was chatting with a Catholic Priest when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion...

..."What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96qx55/one_day_a_rabbi_was_chatting_with_a_catholic/
%
What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom?

Hey you look like a fun guy,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96qwb6/what_did_the_girl_mushroom_say_to_the_boy_mushroom/
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My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike

I broke both my arms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96qunu/my_first_time_having_sex_was_like_my_first_time/
%
It is a summer night and a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit...

...A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96quig/it_is_a_summer_night_and_a_man_is_driving_down/
%
My great grandfather got to see the Titanic

He told everyone it would sink, no one believed him. He said it again, they shut him up. For the last time, he warned everyone that it would sink. They have had enough and he got kicked out of the movie theatre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96qt04/my_great_grandfather_got_to_see_the_titanic/
%
A 90 year old man walks into a brothel

Says “missy, I want your most beautiful girl”
Lady at the counter says “mister, get out of here, you’ve had it”
He says “I did?, well then how much do I owe you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96qst4/a_90_year_old_man_walks_into_a_brothel/
%
What do you call women with a fetish for firefighters?

Fire Hoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96qnd4/what_do_you_call_women_with_a_fetish_for/
%
What is the most Shakespearean way to eliminate bird flu?

Murder most fowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96qlri/what_is_the_most_shakespearean_way_to_eliminate/
%
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96qk7a/a_woman_in_labor_suddenly_shouted_shouldnt/
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Went to the library and asked the Librarian, have you got the book on small penises? she replied, it's not in yet, I said.

Yes that's the one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96qhmp/went_to_the_library_and_asked_the_librarian_have/
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Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?

Classical conditioning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96qfo0/why_was_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Ayyyee matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96q914/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96q7pj/a_new_teacher_was_trying_to_make_use_of_her/
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Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room..

It's not dead, It's just afraid to move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96q7k8/chuck_norris_has_a_grizzly_bear_carpet_in_his_room/
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Did you hear about the message that tricked ice to flash to vapor without first passing through the liquid state?

It was subliminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96q7em/did_you_hear_about_the_message_that_tricked_ice/
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96q0mv/what_did_the_left_eye_say_to_the_right_eye/
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What do porn star vaginas and the Gaza strip have in common

They've both been pummeled so hard that no child is going to crawl out alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96py7j/what_do_porn_star_vaginas_and_the_gaza_strip_have/
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I bought a clock that was made by the patients at a psychiatric hospital

It's the most beautiful cuckoo clock I've ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96pwjw/i_bought_a_clock_that_was_made_by_the_patients_at/
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Patient: I broke my arm in 3 places

Doctor: Don’t go to those places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ptwu/patient_i_broke_my_arm_in_3_places/
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I never thought I'd be a good executioner...

But here I am, killing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96pqlf/i_never_thought_id_be_a_good_executioner/
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A clown just held a door open for me.

It was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96plf4/a_clown_just_held_a_door_open_for_me/
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I buy my guns from a guy name T-Rex

He is a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96plby/i_buy_my_guns_from_a_guy_name_trex/
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What do Hugh Jackman and Caitlyn Jenner have in common?

They're both X-Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96pk32/what_do_hugh_jackman_and_caitlyn_jenner_have_in/
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Peach = Butt

A mother was teaching her two home school kids so she drew a peach on the board and asked them what it was, they both said butt, she was furious and kept asking and getting the same answer, she called their dad and told him that the kids are being disrespectful, the dad said “ You have to respect your mother during the class and also which one of you drew a butt on the board?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96pgdo/peach_butt/
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I was raised as an only child

which really annoyed my sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96pd0v/i_was_raised_as_an_only_child/
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Since Ben Affleck has played Daredevil and Batman

Does that make him blind as a bat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96palr/since_ben_affleck_has_played_daredevil_and_batman/
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I can cut wood just by looking at it.

No, it's true! I saw it with my own eyes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96p7oy/i_can_cut_wood_just_by_looking_at_it/
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If a white bird makes white babies and a black bird makes black babies, what bird makes no babies?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96p3oa/if_a_white_bird_makes_white_babies_and_a_black/
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So Jesus decides to come back to earth...

He gets his friend Moses to come with him, and Moses tells him he should warm up doing miracles before he shows anyone. They rent a cabin on a lake out in the middle of nowhere.
The first day, Jesus takes a wine glass, fills it with water and turns it into wine! Moses is suitably impressed.
The second day, they go out on the lake and catch two fish, and Jesus multiplies them so they'll have plenty. Moses is, again, impressed.
The third day, Jesus decides to walk across the lake. He walks out, but pretty soon the water is up to his knees and he heads back.
"Why can't I walk on water, Moses?" he asked.
"I have no idea. Let's take a break and try again tomorrow."
The next day, Jesus wades out, and again he sinks. "I just can't understand it!" he cried.
"I still can't figure it out," said Moses. "We'll give it one more try tomorrow."
The next day, Jesus walked out into the lake again. "Why can't I walk on water anymore?"
Moses thinks for a moment, then asks, "Well...did you have the holes in your feet last time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96p3le/so_jesus_decides_to_come_back_to_earth/
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Have you heard of the TV show about kamikaze attacks?

It didn’t last longer than the pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96p3gz/have_you_heard_of_the_tv_show_about_kamikaze/
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Two engineers meet each other on their way into work ]

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it. "Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'" "Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96p2j3/two_engineers_meet_each_other_on_their_way_into/
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sometimes i feel like the smartest person in the room

but usually there aren't people around to witness it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96p1rx/sometimes_i_feel_like_the_smartest_person_in_the/
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I like to chat with others while eating Italian food.

It helps to pasta time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96p0dw/i_like_to_chat_with_others_while_eating_italian/
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Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ozp2/girl_if_i_had_to_rate_you_id_give_you_a_10/
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I threw a boomerang a few years ago

Now I live in constant fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96oz45/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
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My wife was accepting when I told her my fantasy was to have sex with two women at the same time

But was furious when I told her she isn't either of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96oxxt/my_wife_was_accepting_when_i_told_her_my_fantasy/
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When gf and I are both sick

Netflix and ill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96oxk4/when_gf_and_i_are_both_sick/
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TIL Franklin D. Roosevelt is the longest sitting president in US history.

He was just sitting all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96owk1/til_franklin_d_roosevelt_is_the_longest_sitting/
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A man walks into a brothel. NSFW

He goes to the first floor to find a sign that says "slow fucks"
Then he goes to the second floor to find another sign that says "fast fucks"
When he reached the third floor he found a paper on the ground he bend over to pick it up, only to find someone fucking him,he reads the paper, it said "surprise fucks".
Note :Egypt translated joke, sorry for any wrong grammar.
Edit :word changes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96oujl/a_man_walks_into_a_brothel_nsfw/
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When a guy asks you to bang his wife

it's hard to tell if it's a compliment or an insult

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ot9x/when_a_guy_asks_you_to_bang_his_wife/
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My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96oru9/my_girlfriend_yelled_at_me_because_i_apparently/
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My wife really hates it when I take a poop with the door open...

I don’t know what her problem is...I still keep my eyes on the road...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96onsq/my_wife_really_hates_it_when_i_take_a_poop_with/
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What do college students say after praying?

Ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96omua/what_do_college_students_say_after_praying/
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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market.

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager approved the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager.
The boy instantly replied, "Really?! What team did she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ojdl/there_was_a_boy_who_worked_in_the_produce_section/
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How many, "Suhhh Dudes", does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, it's already lit, Fam!
(Seagull laugh) | opinional

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96oj0c/how_many_suhhh_dudes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96oh5r/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
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There are 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench..

A man in a trench-coat walks by and flashes them.
2 of the old ladies have a stroke.
The other one couldn't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ogxr/there_are_3_old_ladies_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices in my head...

She told me I don’t have a psychiatrist...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ogte/i_told_my_psychiatrist_ive_been_hearing_voices_in/
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Yo mama so poor

She can’t even afford to pay attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ogjo/yo_mama_so_poor/
%
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath.

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
- Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger's hand and immediately he asked:
- Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn't in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn't even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
- Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon.
- Don't mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! - by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn't follow because he couldn't swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km's away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man:
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger:
- Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? - the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn't care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard.
- Priest, please be good... - the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked:
- Son, why do you need it for God's sake? - the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village's locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time.
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
- There you go, son - handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger's arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked:
- But what do you need it for?! - panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest's hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest's face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest's fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked:
- Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I'm very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it?
- All right, priest ... - came the answer in a trembling tone - I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone.
The priest was good, and never told anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96of19/there_was_once_a_priest_who_went_to_see_the_world/
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A recent study found .....

........ that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ocv2/a_recent_study_found/
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Today, six girls...

flashed me their tits. Now, that sounds unbelievable, dozen tit?
|

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96oaro/today_six_girls/
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I would tell you all about my jokes about unemployment

**but none of them work**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96o7bq/i_would_tell_you_all_about_my_jokes_about/
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Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96o6rd/someone_stole_my_calendar_bad_news_for_them/
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Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby

Apparently, that’s not allowed if the baby is yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96o6k4/asked_to_switch_seats_on_the_plane_because_i_was/
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Rat Dreams

David goes to a doctor.
David : Doctor, I see weird dreams.... Rats play soccer in my dreams.
Doctor : I see... I'll write you some tablets. Start taking them from tonight.
David : Can I please start taking them from tomorrow?
Doctor : Why from tomorrow? Why not before going to bed tonight?
David : Because it's the finals tonight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96o5yv/rat_dreams/
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I like my earth like I like my bread.

Flat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96o1l5/i_like_my_earth_like_i_like_my_bread/
%
A businessman returns from the far east.

After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors.
They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."
The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"
The man replies, "Yes a few in the USA."
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct.!  It will fall off by itself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96nz3s/a_businessman_returns_from_the_far_east/
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A man walks into a barber shop every day and asks the barber what time he closes shop.

He never gets a cut. Only asks. The barber grows frustrated and asks his apprentice to follow the man after he asks to see who he is and why he might be asking. The apprentice returns shortly after. The barber asks "well, where did he go?" The apprentice replies "your house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96nyns/a_man_walks_into_a_barber_shop_every_day_and_asks/
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What can Donald Trump and I both agree on?

That if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I would date her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96nu9l/what_can_donald_trump_and_i_both_agree_on/
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A man and a woman are laying in bed

They are both senior citizens and have begun losing their memory.
One day they went to the doctor to ask if they can remedy their memory loss in any way and the doctor said that no medication could help so the best thing they can start doing is writing things down to help them remember.
The next night they are laying in bed, the man says to the woman “I’m going downstairs to get some ice-cream, do you want anything?”
The woman says “Yes actually I’d like two scoops, one strawberry and one vanilla.”
“Alright, anything else?” Says the man
“Yes, could you put some chocolate sauce on top if we have any? And you should write this down so you don’t forget.”
“Don’t worry hun.” Says the man. “I won’t forget, anything else?”
“Well if we have some fresh strawberries could you cut some up and put them on top? And at this point I really think you should write this down like the doctor said” says the woman
The man sighs and says “Two scoops, one strawberry, one vanilla, chocolate sauce on top and fresh strawberries if available. Don’t worry hun I think I can handle it.”
The man goes downstairs for about 20 minutes, he returns to the bedroom with a plate of three scrambled eggs, a glass of orange juice and some toast.
“I told you to write it down!” Cried the woman “You forgot the salt!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ntz8/a_man_and_a_woman_are_laying_in_bed/
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A father was telling his son a bedtime story

“Once upon a time , there was a tortoise and a hare. The hare was boastful and bragged that he was the fastest of all the creatures. The tortoise then decided to challenge the hare to a race. So the two set a course, and the race began. The hare ran as fast as he could.....”
“Sorry Dad, but I’ve heard this story before. The hare later takes a nap and the tortoise overtakes him”
“Oh no, the hare made it to the finish line first”
“What?”
“Of course. You don’t think the hare is so stupid as to take a rest in the middle of a race, would you?”
“So the moral is, be as swift as the hare”
“No, because then an eagle went after the hare. The hare was too tired from the race, and was easily caught by the eagle.”
“What?”
“Yes, and the tortoise laughed quietly, as his plan to end the hare’s bragging succeeded brilliantly.”
“So the moral is, be as devious as the tortoise?”
“No, because the eagle came back and caught him too.”
“What?”
“Yes. Now, what’s the real moral here?”
“........Be the eagle?”
“Exactly. Good night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ntx6/a_father_was_telling_his_son_a_bedtime_story/
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Dave and a group of cannibals were going to have a meal...

They brought him to a room where a cooked body was. It had been sitting there for a while. One of the cannibals immediately took both hands, as he liked the taste of them. Two cannibals took a leg each. Another one took the head and so on...
Finally there was only one body part left. Dave eyed it glumly, he hated that body part. However  a cannibal that knew Dave for being an asshole, took it and placed it in front of Dave. Suddenly, Dave felt very isolated. He knew that he got the worst tasting part of the human body
The cannibal gave Dave the cold shoulder.
P.S. Sorry if my formatting is bad, I'm on mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ntm7/dave_and_a_group_of_cannibals_were_going_to_have/
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If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?

Plastic Explosives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96nsdh/if_a_is_for_apple_and_b_is_for_banana_then_what/
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground....

......Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ni0g/finding_one_of_her_students_making_faces_at/
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Never trust atoms.

They make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ng23/never_trust_atoms/
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Who you gonna believe, the fake blonde with big tits...

or Stormy Daniels?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96nc85/who_you_gonna_believe_the_fake_blonde_with_big/
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An airplane was about to crash.

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96n9z3/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash/
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Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow.

Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96n9io/customer_im_just_not_sure_i_really_want_to_buy/
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Dirty joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96n8d4/dirty_joke/
%
I went to the library and I asked the librarian

Where the books on paranoia were. She said, “Right behind you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96n7ps/i_went_to_the_library_and_i_asked_the_librarian/
%
A Soviet man is waiting in line for bread...

After waiting for an hour, we shouts, "I've had enough of this! I'm going to assassinate Gorbachev!" He walks off to the Kremlin.
Twenty minutes later, he comes back and the crowd asks if he succeeded. "No," he says, "the line to assassinate him was even longer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96n64v/a_soviet_man_is_waiting_in_line_for_bread/
%
A kid is walking down the street

with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string  And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want."  She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why.  He replies,  "My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE's the motherfucker who ran over my frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96n31x/a_kid_is_walking_down_the_street/
%
Why are there no Walmart stores in Afghanistan?

Because there's a target on every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96n1zf/why_are_there_no_walmart_stores_in_afghanistan/
%
What starts with a Q and ends with a P?

A long line to the public toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96n0kh/what_starts_with_a_q_and_ends_with_a_p/
%
I named my horse mayo

Mayo neighs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96mzwj/i_named_my_horse_mayo/
%
If white people are white paper, and black people are black paper. Then what are Mexican people?

Construction paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96mzt0/if_white_people_are_white_paper_and_black_people/
%
How can you tell if a coin is fresh?

You can still smell the mint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96mykw/how_can_you_tell_if_a_coin_is_fresh/
%
Three hunters find a set of tracks in the woods

The first hunter says, “Hey guys, I think these are moose tracks!”
The second one says, “No, I’m pretty sure these are wolf tracks.”
The third one didn’t say anything, because they all got hit by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96mth0/three_hunters_find_a_set_of_tracks_in_the_woods/
%
A man entered his home...

and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stole every lamp in the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96mri6/a_man_entered_his_home/
%
What’s the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re a teenager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96mr3r/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_catholic/
%
A wife tells her husband, "Remember to pick the kid up at 5."

"OK," says the husband.
[later]
The husband dropped off their 3-year-old son off at daycare: "See ya in 2 years, bud."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96moj0/a_wife_tells_her_husband_remember_to_pick_the_kid/
%
Dont be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parent's job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96mnzo/dont_be_ashamed_of_who_you_are/
%
Why is the background of r/jokes a brick wall and neon sign?

Because everything's old and reused, just like the background.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96mldk/why_is_the_background_of_rjokes_a_brick_wall_and/
%
[NSFW] Q: What do anal sex and brussel sprouts have in common?

A: If your mother kept forcing you to have it when you were a child, you're probably not going to like it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96mkgh/nsfw_q_what_do_anal_sex_and_brussel_sprouts_have/
%
Why are other measurements afraid of 0° Kelvin?

Because it's an absolute unit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96m6cq/why_are_other_measurements_afraid_of_0_kelvin/
%
Girl is walking along a beach.

She sees a man with no arms and no legs chilling by the water. As she passes him, he begins to cry. She walks over to him.
"What's wrong", she asks.
He replies, "I'm 24, I've got no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged."
She considers it, bends down, gives him a hug and starts to walk away. As she begins, the man starts crying again.
She turns around and says, "What is it now?"
"I'm 24, I've got no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed."
Slightly annoyed, she bends down, kisses the man on the cheek, and starts to walk off again. She makes it ten feet before the man starts crying again.
She walks back to him, sighs, and asks "What now?"
"I'm 24, got no arms and no legs, and I've never been fucked."
She considers for a second, picks the man up, and throws him in the ocean.
"Well", she says. "You're fucked now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96m623/girl_is_walking_along_a_beach/
%
Have you ever smelled moth balls?

How did you get their tiny legs apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96lyv1/have_you_ever_smelled_moth_balls/
%
I put the STD in stud baby.

All I need is you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96lxoy/i_put_the_std_in_stud_baby/
%
Two Blind Nuns

Two blind nuns are in a church, painting the walls white. One nun says to the other, "Hey, we should do this naked so we don't get our clothes dirty." The other nun agrees. Both nuns strip naked, and toss their clothes aside.
Half an hour goes by, and a sudden knock comes from the front door. The nuns panic, asking each other, "What should we do? We don't want them to see us naked!" One of the nuns frantically runs behind the door, so the person at the door cannot see them. She then yells, "Who is it?"
A man's voice responds, saying, "It's the blind man!" The two nuns let out sighs of relief.
"It's ok if we let the blind man in," says one nun, "He won't be able to see us naked." She then opens the door, awaited by only the blind man.
The blind man then says, "Nice tits, where do you want the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96lsy6/two_blind_nuns/
%
Women always call me ugly until they find out what I earn.

Then they call me poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96lp9d/women_always_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrow too high

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96le9j/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrow_too/
%
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting...

...The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ldge/a_biologist_a_chemist_and_a_statistician_are_out/
%
I finally got promoted at the crematorium

What can I say, I urned it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96lb4x/i_finally_got_promoted_at_the_crematorium/
%
Why did the chicken go to KFC?

To see a chicken strip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96laa8/why_did_the_chicken_go_to_kfc/
%
What do you call 12 cats in a courtroom?

Purrjury

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96l9kz/what_do_you_call_12_cats_in_a_courtroom/
%
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only”...

...But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96l8r5/i_got_an_invite_to_a_wedding_that_said_black_tie/
%
What is Ironman underneath the suit?

Stark naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96l4zf/what_is_ironman_underneath_the_suit/
%
One day a priest leaves the church and decides to sit at a nearby pier and watch the fisherman...

While sitting, one of the fisherman invites the priest to join him. The priest agrees and they start fishing. After a few minutes the priest pulls up a huge fish. The priest, shocked, yells out, "Woah! Look at that son of a bitch!"
The priest looks at the fisherman and says, "Please mind your language."
The fisherman replies, "Oh... No father, that's the name of a fish. It's a sonofabitch."
The priest heads back to the church. On his way he sees the bishop and addresses him, "Look at the sonofabitch I just caught at the pier!"
The bishop replies, "Father! You are in the house of the lord!"
The priest says, "Oh no! That's the name of the fish, it's a sonofabitch."
The bishop replies, "Oh, if you give me it I can clean it and have Mother Superior cook it for our dinner with the pope."
He cleans the fish and brings it to Mother Superior, "Can you cook this sonofabitch."
She replies, "Why I never! What language for a bishop!"
The bishop tells her, "No, that's the name of the fish. Can you cook it for our dinner with the pope?"
She agrees and makes it up for their dinner with the pope. They sit down with the pope and he takes one bite, "This is wonderful! What is it?"
The priest says, "I caught that sonofabitch."
The bishop says, "I cleaned that sonofabitch."
Mother Superior says, "And I cooks that sonofabitch."
The pope gives them all a blank stare for a moment, then leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table, and says, "You fuckers are all right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96l4tk/one_day_a_priest_leaves_the_church_and_decides_to/
%
What’s the difference between new and old hamburger meat?

One is ground beef and the other is browned grief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96l1ed/whats_the_difference_between_new_and_old/
%
My neighbors listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96kulb/my_neighbors_listen_to_awesome_music/
%
My wife left me again because I’m too paranoid, this time with the kid.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96kq2x/my_wife_left_me_again_because_im_too_paranoid/
%
Why don't illegal immigrants like to drive in the winter?

They see the signs that say, "Watch for ICE on bridges".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96kkxx/why_dont_illegal_immigrants_like_to_drive_in_the/
%
What do gay horses eat?

Heeeyyyyyy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96kjo6/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I'm not sure, but their flag is a huge plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96kiga/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
A policeman is patroling the town when he sees a guy walking around with a penguin

The policeman stops him.
Policeman: Sir, why is this penguin with you ?
Guy: I don't know, officer, I was shopping and he just started following me.
Policeman: I see. Well, penguins are a protected species, you need to take him to the zoo immediately. Understood ?
Guy: Yes sir.
They part. The guy goes to the zoo with the penguin, and the policeman goes back to his patrol.
A few hours later, the same policeman spots the same guy, still walking around with the penguin.
Out of his mind, he stops him again.
Policeman: (angrily) Why on earth is this penguin still with you?! Didn't I tell you to bring him to the zoo immediately ?
Guy: Officer, I did. I took him to the zoo as you said. Now, he wants to go to the cinema!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96kdqi/a_policeman_is_patroling_the_town_when_he_sees_a/
%
Mamma always said, "Reddit is like a box of chocolates."

You never know what you're gonna get, but it will be the same few chocolates every time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96kd52/mamma_always_said_reddit_is_like_a_box_of/
%
An Japanese man walks into a bank...

... and goes up to the teller. Even though he is new to speaking English, he says, "I wish to exchange 400 of my currency for US dollars. The teller proceeds to do so and they politely part ways. A few days pass and the Japanese man again walks into the bank, again to exchange the same amount currency. This time though, the teller hands him less than the previous exchange. Confused, he asked the teller, "Why have you given me less dollars than before?"
"Fluctuations," replies the teller, " the markets have changed."
"Fluctuations? FLUCTUATIONS!" The Japanese man exclaims, " Fuck you Americans, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96kaio/an_japanese_man_walks_into_a_bank/
%
Who's the coolest guy at the hospital?

- The Ultra Sound guy
*Bonus*
Who covers for him when he isn't there?
- The Hip Replacement guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96k484/whos_the_coolest_guy_at_the_hospital/
%
How many mobsters do you need to push a man off a cliff?

None. He slipped and fell by himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96k14h/how_many_mobsters_do_you_need_to_push_a_man_off_a/
%
A guy goes on a dating show where he has to whittle down 30 girls to 1.

After a few rounds he has reduced 30 down to 5. Ann, Kira, Gee, Beth and Kaitlin still remain.
"OK ladies and gentlemen, we have five contestants remaining", announces the presenter, "you have a tough choice to make. Which one of these lovely girls will you take home tonight?"
Theres a long silence as the man thinks for a minute...
"Will it be Beth or Kaitlin... Maybe Kira... or perhaps you would prefer Ann or Gee?" asks the presenter
The man thinks a little longer, then replies, "Yes. Yes I would!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96k0ez/a_guy_goes_on_a_dating_show_where_he_has_to/
%
I have a lot of unemployment jokes

But they don’t work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96jwnj/i_have_a_lot_of_unemployment_jokes/
%
A snake and a librarian in a library

\-Ssssssssss
\-Sssssssss
\-Sssssssssss
\-Ssssssssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96jvl5/a_snake_and_a_librarian_in_a_library/
%
Why are pirates such good singers?

Because they hit the high C's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96jsjb/why_are_pirates_such_good_singers/
%
Old mathematicians never die.

They just lose some of their functions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96jshr/old_mathematicians_never_die/
%
Why was the 4 year old anti-vaxer crying?

He had a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96js8j/why_was_the_4_year_old_antivaxer_crying/
%
There was a man who had three girlfriends – repost updated for 2018

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a Brazilian wax, a new hair color, LASIK – the works – and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought a base model iMac Pro (without AppleCare) and gave it to the man. She said, "I bought this gift for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5,000 and flips a house, doubling her investment, returns the $5,000 to the man and reinvests the rest into more houses to flip. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much and now we have a profession we can work together as business partners.”
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the woman with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96jq5h/there_was_a_man_who_had_three_girlfriends_repost/
%
An old joke about a boy and a duck that my dad used to tell me when I definitely wasn't old enough for it to be appropriate.

A very rich old man is on his deathbed and is going to die soon, so he calls in his three sons. He gives them each a duck and tells them that the one who gets the most for his duck will be given everything the old man owns. The first son goes out, and when he comes back he says, "Father! Father! I got $10 for my duck!"
His father says, "That is very good let's see how your other brothers do."
About a day later the second brother comes home and he says, "Father! Father! I got $15 for my duck."
The old man replies, "So far you have done the best, but let's wait and see what your little brother does."
While the last brother was looking for someone to buy his duck, he happened to pass by a bar. When he got into the bar he saw the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen before, so he told her, "I'll give you this duck for a fuck."
She replied, "Ok."
When the boy got home to his father, his father was so furious that he yelled, "You get your ass back in that bar and get that duck back!"
So the boy returned to the bar and found the same girl and told her his tale. He then said, "I'll give you a fuck for that duck." She agreed and while they were fucking the duck flew out the window and got hit by a truck.
The truck driver was so sorry about what had happened that he offered to pay for the duck. The boy then replied, "$20 would do nicely."
"No problem," said the driver. When the boy got home he was beaming with pride. He shouted, "I won! I won! I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck,and twenty bucks for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96jpnj/an_old_joke_about_a_boy_and_a_duck_that_my_dad/
%
Two old guys talking, one said I couldn't sleep at all last night, second one said I slept like a baby, when I woke this morning.

I had no hair, no teeth and I had shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96jojp/two_old_guys_talking_one_said_i_couldnt_sleep_at/
%
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59pm when the clock struck midnight.

I thought, “Same shit, different day.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96jjhr/i_was_sitting_on_the_toilet_at_1159pm_when_the/
%
How many ants does it take to rent an apartment?

Tenants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96jcvn/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_rent_an_apartment/
%
Exchanges recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
WITNESS: How would I know?
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty -- much like your IQ.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me?
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with 'a male'.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96jcha/exchanges_recorded_verbatim_by_court_reporters/
%
WHAT DO WE WANT?

Low flying aeroplanes!
When do we want them?!
***NEAOOOOOW!!!!***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96j5fx/what_do_we_want/
%
What did Bugs Bunny say to the rooster?

"What's up, cock"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96j4e6/what_did_bugs_bunny_say_to_the_rooster/
%
What do people use to conceal themselves in the desert?

Camelflage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96j25y/what_do_people_use_to_conceal_themselves_in_the/
%
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage, but the man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir." the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96izhv/a_man_in_melbourne_walked_into_the_produce/
%
What does a parrot say?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96iurt/what_does_a_parrot_say/
%
A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
Dad: $9.27? ..... What do you need $7.56 for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96in9f/a_boy_asked_his_bitcoininvesting_dad/
%
Dad, what do you call a fish with two legs?

A two-knee fish.
Courtesy of my 8-year old. Thought it was pretty good lol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ikwj/dad_what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_two_legs/
%
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven

.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back
to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And ‘poof’ she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and ‘poof’ she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?", he asks
"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ikr7/three_italian_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
The 16-yo son returns home at 10am the next day..

.. The Father asks angrily: "Son, where have you been for such a long time?"
Son replies: "Dad, I'm not a virgin anymore!"
The father in relaxed tone: "Son, sit down and tell me the whole story".
The son replies: "Telling the story OK, but sitting NO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ijkm/the_16yo_son_returns_home_at_10am_the_next_day/
%
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96iib5/how_much_does_it_cost_for_a_pirate_to_get_his/
%
I’m strongly against elephant poaching.

It makes the meat stringy and tasteless, roasting at a medium heat for 40 minutes per pound yields a much better result.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96igap/im_strongly_against_elephant_poaching/
%
There are two types of people in this world

People who need closure and

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ieev/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Guys, to be frank

I would have to change my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96idr6/guys_to_be_frank/
%
So me and a friend were casually talking about beastiality...

He mentioned how he looked it up a bunch the other day.
So I asked him, “How far down the rabbit hole did you go?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ibtg/so_me_and_a_friend_were_casually_talking_about/
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What does an abusive father do in his spare time?

Beats me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ibs7/what_does_an_abusive_father_do_in_his_spare_time/
%
I like my women how I like my American Flag...

Made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96i8ic/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_american_flag/
%
Christians don't get angry.

They get cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96i8cm/christians_dont_get_angry/
%
Did you hear about the musician who played through the silent part of a song?

He was charged with resisting a rest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96i7ss/did_you_hear_about_the_musician_who_played/
%
If laughter is the best medicine...

Why am I dying of it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96i5c7/if_laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
%
A farmer counted 196 cows in his field

but when he rounded them up he had 200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96i3gi/a_farmer_counted_196_cows_in_his_field/
%
"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.
"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."
"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her question... Okay, I'll try to make it in after work if I can."
Tuesday rolls around and Billy goes to his dad, "Hey did
you go to my school today?"
"No, not yet."
"Can you visit my gym teacher too? He wants to speak with you as well."
"What for?"
"Today in gym he told me to lift my right arm up, so I did. Then he told me to lift my left arm up, so I did that too. Then he told me to lift my right leg up, so I did that as well. When he told me to lift my left leg up, I asked him what the fuck I was supposed to be standing on if I did that."
"Well yeah, how are you supposed to raise both your legs? Okay, I'll have a talk with him as well."
Wednesday rolls around and Billy once more comes up to his dad.
"Hey dad, don't bother coming to school, I was expelled."
"What?! Why?"
"So this morning the principal calls me into his office. When I walk in the math teacher, gym teacher and the art teacher are all waiting there."
"What the fuck is the art teacher doing there?"
"That's what I fucking said!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96i35a/dad_my_math_teacher_wants_you_to_come_in_to_speak/
%
EA is releasing a new Mario game!

it’s called Pay-Per-Mario.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96hzqu/ea_is_releasing_a_new_mario_game/
%
Susan tells her boss that she was sexual harassed...

The boss asks what happened?
Susan says, "Bob walked up to me said 'your hair smells really good'"
The boss replies, "Well, I think that's more of a compliment than sexual harassment"
Susan yells "Bob's a midget!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96hyp8/susan_tells_her_boss_that_she_was_sexual_harassed/
%
What did Kim Jong Un say after a nuclear war with China?

"when I said nuke the Chinese, I was talking about the left overs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96hy36/what_did_kim_jong_un_say_after_a_nuclear_war_with/
%
Lawyers are like mustard gas

When used by the enemy, it's a vile, dirty, despicable trick.
When used by your side, it's perfectly justifiable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96hw34/lawyers_are_like_mustard_gas/
%
I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I’m British...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96hv2s/i_started_going_to_the_gym_a_year_ago_and_so_far/
%
I used to have an open mind

but my brains kept falling out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96hpqm/i_used_to_have_an_open_mind/
%
"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."
"Why did you draw a dick?"
Friend: "Made me laugh."
"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."
Friend: "Well, I traced it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96hna4/diddid_you_draw_on_my_face_while_i_was_passed_out/
%
I’m recovering from surgery, and still in some pain, so my mom asked me,”Do you want some painkillers?”

I replied, ”They couldn’t hurt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96hn4i/im_recovering_from_surgery_and_still_in_some_pain/
%
My wife bites her lips to look sexy.

I just don't have the heart to tell she has to bite the bottom lip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96hioc/my_wife_bites_her_lips_to_look_sexy/
%
It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96h7mk/it_is_my_first_time_in_court_and_i_heard_the/
%
A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says ‘that’s so cool, that’s the neatest thing I’ve ever seen. Where’d you get that?’

The parrot says ‘I got him in Africa, there’s tons of them.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96h7cb/a_black_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_huge_parrot/
%
"You never talk to me anymore, you treat me like I'm a dog barking"

"Oh, **you** were talking? I thought a dog was barking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96h02i/you_never_talk_to_me_anymore_you_treat_me_like_im/
%
What did the blacksmith say to the knight when he delivered the knight’s new armor?

You’ve got mail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96gzbb/what_did_the_blacksmith_say_to_the_knight_when_he/
%
I was applying for Australian citizenship..

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal record?"
"No. Is that still required?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96gtwv/i_was_applying_for_australian_citizenship/
%
With great power comes great

electricity bills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96gs9l/with_great_power_comes_great/
%
My friend Nick never told me he had a erectile dysfunction.

I guess it just never came up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96gnfi/my_friend_nick_never_told_me_he_had_a_erectile/
%
I once thanked a French guy to death.

It was a merci killing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96gmvv/i_once_thanked_a_french_guy_to_death/
%
Barbara Walters is interviewing Neil Armstrong in 2010 about him being the first man on the moon.

Barbara Walters (BW) says to Neil Armstrong (NA) "It's a great honor to interview you Mr. Armstrong. (NA) replies, "Happy to be here". Then (BW) asks him "As a young journalist hearing you speak those famous words for the first time". "One small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind", "I had to ask myself, did you make up that quote on the spot?, did you have it prepared?, or was it already written for you?". NA replies, "I'm happy you've asked that question Barbara", "Because the truth is, I've been misquoted all these years and it's time I set the record straight before I pass on". "What I actually said as I stepped on to the moon for the first time was, "One small step for man and one giant leap for Max Klein". BW responds, "Who the hell is Max Klein"?! "and why would you even include him in a quote"? NA answers. 'Well Barbara, it's no secret that I grew up poor". 'One of the places we lived in was a Tenement House in NYC and the walls were paper thin". "Max Klein lived next door with his wife". "Max was very kind to me and my younger sister and brother". "He gave us candy from time to time and would stop other kids from bullying us in the park nearby". Then BW says 'Go on"!. NA, "Well with the walls being paper thin, we could hear Max and his wife have dinner, hear them fight and worse, hear them in bed at night". "Every night Max would ask for the same thing", "Honey can I have a blow job". "Every night Mrs. Klein would answer the same way", "When a man walks on the moon, that's when you'll get you blow job'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96gm3r/barbara_walters_is_interviewing_neil_armstrong_in/
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Are these gay cows, daddy?

No, they're bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96giv7/are_these_gay_cows_daddy/
%
A horse and a duck walk into a bar...

The bartender asks "what can I get for you?"
The duck replies "something strong, my friend here has just broken up with his wife"
The bartender gets them something strong and the horse drinks it all in one. The horse then collapses on the floor
The duck, embarrassed and startled, attempts to leave the bar, but the bartender stops him.
"You can't leave that lyin' there" he says
And the duck replies "it's not a lion, it's a horse" then leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96gi7f/a_horse_and_a_duck_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Broke up with my girlfriend because she was terrible at blowjobs.

Didn't go down well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ghis/broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_because_she_was/
%
I don't understand people who don't like kids.

Seriously, you probably didn't use the right kind of sauce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96gh9d/i_dont_understand_people_who_dont_like_kids/
%
I cooked a medium-rare steak for my friend, and he said, “I like it Well Done.”

I said, “Thanks buddy. That means a lot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96gh6x/i_cooked_a_mediumrare_steak_for_my_friend_and_he/
%
How did the goth kid break up with his girlfriend?

He sang her You Are My Sunshine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96gfuh/how_did_the_goth_kid_break_up_with_his_girlfriend/
%
Anti-vaxers musty love comedy,

'cause they just get everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96gez1/antivaxers_musty_love_comedy/
%
Marriage is a three ring circus:

1. Engagement ring.
2. Wedding ring.
3. Suffer-ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96gefs/marriage_is_a_three_ring_circus/
%
They say penis size is related to shoe size

that makes the fear of clowns even worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ge8e/they_say_penis_size_is_related_to_shoe_size/
%
In California, you can always find a party

In Soviet Russia, the party can always find you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ga0n/in_california_you_can_always_find_a_party/
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Did you know...

...that the prop on the front of a plane is just a big fan to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actully see the pilot sweating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96g9ef/did_you_know/
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Why does the dictator like to go shopping in the early morning?

Because he loves to beat the crowds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96g7qv/why_does_the_dictator_like_to_go_shopping_in_the/
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Why does everyone always brag that they are “going to go unplugged for a while”

Wireless devices were invented decades ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96g5mg/why_does_everyone_always_brag_that_they_are_going/
%
At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew

"Rabbi, why are the Jews so hated?"
At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old Rabbi: "Rabbi, why do people hate us so much?" The Rabbi thinks for a while and says "That is an interesting question. We will all talk about it tomorrow over some vodka! Each one of you shall bring a bottle of fine vodka, so we can mix it all up in a big pot and drink, discuss, and then the answer will be clear."
The young Jew went home and thought to himself "if everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vodka, I'll just bring a bottle of water and no one will be the wiser." Next day the young Jew showed up with a vodka bottle filled with water, anxious to see what answer the Rabbi would provide to his question. The Rabbi started to pour all the vodka together in one pot and began stirring it. The young Jew got impatient - "Please, Rabbi! What is the answer to my question? Why do people hate us so much?" The Rabbi then filled a cup, gave it to the young Jew and said "Drink this now!" The young Jew drank the cup and said "But this is just water!" And the Rabbi said "and that is why the people hate us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96g5m1/at_a_meeting_in_a_synagogue_a_young_jew/
%
A child asked his father:

"How were people born"? So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and had babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him: "We were monkeys, then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96g1ps/a_child_asked_his_father/
%
And old man..

..watched his grandson go to the store with a dollar and come back with only a bottle of water and shook his head. He said, "Back in my day, my mother would send me to the store with a dollar and I'd come back with half a dozen eggs, two cartons of milk, a pack of cigs, and a bag of flour. You can't do that these days. Too many damn security cameras"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96fxn9/and_old_man/
%
Jack is dating this girl Paula.

He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex.
After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It's a 12-pack, but there are only five left in there.
"What happened to the rest of them?" she asks accusingly.
"Well... I masturbated into them," he says.
She accepts the answer, but she's curious. When she's with a few guy friends two days later, Paula asks them about it.
"Do you guys ever do that?" she asks.
"Sure, all the time," her friend says.
"Really, you masturbate into condoms?" she responds.
"Oh, no! I thought you were asking if I ever lie to my girlfriend!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ft4x/jack_is_dating_this_girl_paula/
%
Why do we tell all actors to ‘break a leg’?

Because every play has a cast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96fsas/why_do_we_tell_all_actors_to_break_a_leg/
%
I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky.

They sure are a handful to raise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96frx9/i_found_five_orphaned_kittens_and_decided_to/
%
If I had to pick a mythological creature to become alive and real,

I’d have to pick: My girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96feik/if_i_had_to_pick_a_mythological_creature_to/
%
If aliens really landed in America

"Take me to your leader"
"... you sure?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96feeo/if_aliens_really_landed_in_america/
%
Personal check.

An old miser, because of his exceptional thrift, had no friends. Just before he died he called his doctor, lawyer, and minister together around his bedside. "I have always heard you can't take it with you, but I'm going to prove I can" , he said. "I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It's in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on me, you throw the envelopes in".
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel exactly right. I'm going to confess: I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."
The doctor said, "I too must confess: I am building a hospital and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000".
The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm suprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal check for the full amount".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96fany/personal_check/
%
A grocer is arranging vegetables in the produce section of his store..

When a woman taps him on the shoulder to say "Excuse me, sir, but where would I find some broccoli?" The man replies "Ma'am, I'm sorry but we just ran out of broccoli. The woman nods and leaves the man to arrange the vegetables.
A few minutes later, the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and says "Excuse me, sir, but where would I find some broccoli?" Confused, the grocer replies "Like I said, we have run out of broccoli for today. We will have some more by tomorrow morning. Please come back tomorrow if you still need the broccoli. The woman again nods and leaves the man to arrange the vegetables.
Moments later the woman taps him on the shoulder and asks for the third time "Excuse me, sir, but where would I find the broccoli?" The grocer looks back at her abrupt before asking "ma'am, let me ask you something. How do you spell 'water', as in watermelon?"
The woman replies "W-A-T-E-R".
"Okay," replies the grocer. "And how do you spell  'ban', as in banana?
The woman replies "B-A-N-A-N-A".
"Now how do you spell 'fuck', as in broccoli?" Confused, the woman replies "but there is no fuck in broccoli."
"THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU; THERE IS NO FUCKIN' BROCCOLI!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96f6dn/a_grocer_is_arranging_vegetables_in_the_produce/
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My friend recently approached me and said “What rhymes with Orange”

I said “No it doesn’t”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96f31q/my_friend_recently_approached_me_and_said_what/
%
You know what the worst part about having a big dick is?

me neither.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96f0zr/you_know_what_the_worst_part_about_having_a_big/
%
You ever get laid in a sleeping bag?

It's awful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat and the scout master is covering your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96eyms/you_ever_get_laid_in_a_sleeping_bag/
%
Gorrila Retrieval Unit

You're sitting at home minding your business when you hear a ruckus coming from your roof. Walking outside you see a massive Gorilla tearing up your shingles, so you go inside and call the zoo. Few moments later this pickup truck pulls up with Gorilla Retrieval Unit (GRU) on the side of it. An old man pops out of the truck and opens the back. Out jumps this little chihuahua and the man pulls out a ladder, handcuffs, baseball bat and a shotgun which he hands to you. Amazed you ask him what all this is for so he explains .. "see what we're gonna do here is I'm going to climb this ladder to your roof and using this baseball bat I will combat the gorilla knocking it off the roof and onto the ground. The dog has been trained to viciously attack the genitals of anything that falls to the ground. This will give me time to get down from the roof and the gorilla will have its hands in a genital defensive position. This position will allow me to easily handcuff it and return safely to the zoo." To which you reply "Amazing.. but what is the shotgun for?" "Ah, yes" he says "in the event that the gorilla knocks me off the roof, you're going to shoot that dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ev8q/gorrila_retrieval_unit/
%
I asked my ex wife if she would like to make love just like old times.

She replied,"Over my dead  body."
I said, "Yeah, just like old times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96eqc5/i_asked_my_ex_wife_if_she_would_like_to_make_love/
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Did you hear that the Alabama governor’s mansion burned down?

Pretty much took the whole trailer park with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96emaf/did_you_hear_that_the_alabama_governors_mansion/
%
I once dated a girl with exotropia, but we broke up...

...I found out she was seeing some other guy on the side. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ekpp/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_exotropia_but_we_broke_up/
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When bread gets depressed what is the most common symptom?

Self-loafing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ejk2/when_bread_gets_depressed_what_is_the_most_common/
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Everyone Knows David!

David was banging his boss one day, he said, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, David, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So David and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"David! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, David's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells David that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," David says.
"President Trump," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," David says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Trump spots David on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting the Governor, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up, you know I don't give a shit about the Governor."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House he expresses his doubts to David, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says David. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
David and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when David says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later David emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time David returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, David asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with David?'
Edit1: Back to banging on popular demand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96egyz/everyone_knows_david/
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Slutty girls are like Walmart

Everyone makes fun of them but when you’re inside one at 4am you think to yourself “thank god these are here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96eg3r/slutty_girls_are_like_walmart/
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Every “yo mamma” joke has been done thousands of time, by thousand of people.

Kinda like yo mamma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96eepw/every_yo_mamma_joke_has_been_done_thousands_of/
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A lot of women are turning into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver watch out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96eede/a_lot_of_women_are_turning_into_good_drivers/
%
When do S and C sound the same?

When it's necessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ee6o/when_do_s_and_c_sound_the_same/
%
Why do gay guys float easier then straight guys.

Because they are flamboyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ed4z/why_do_gay_guys_float_easier_then_straight_guys/
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What do you call a jacket that goes up in flames?

A blazer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96e38c/what_do_you_call_a_jacket_that_goes_up_in_flames/
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The Priest and the Rabbi.

Two men are sitting on a train, and they start talking.  They soon learn that one is a Priest and the other a Rabbi.
“How long have you been a Rabbi?” The Priest asks.
“25 years next week” the Rabbi replies. “ How about you, how long have you been a Priest?”
“27 years” the Priest replies.
“Have you ever had a bacon sandwich?” Asks the Priest
“No, but I have been sorely tempted”
“So you’ve never had sex?” Asks the Rabbi,
“No, but I too have been sorely tempted”
The two men decide that between that they will meet again the following week, and set each other the challenge of tasting forbidden fruit.
The following week, the two men sit down and discuss their week.
The Rabbi turns to the Priest with a smile on his face and says,
“It’s better then a bacon sandwich isn’t it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96e2xe/the_priest_and_the_rabbi/
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I would work at any job in the world

but an Artist is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96dz9h/i_would_work_at_any_job_in_the_world/
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Dark Humour is like anti-vax families

There’s usually a dead baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96dwk2/dark_humour_is_like_antivax_families/
%
I learned recently that people aren't hospitable to water dispensing machines...

Just let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ds5h/i_learned_recently_that_people_arent_hospitable/
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Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.

But white people can say things that black people can't. Like, "Thanks for the
warning officer," and "Hi dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96dg71/black_people_are_allowed_to_say_the_nword_while/
%
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to find out who is the best at their job.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96dfdx/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_find_out/
%
When I die

I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into the ground so they can let me down one more time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96deyy/when_i_die/
%
You’ve heard of television but have you heard of

Askahearing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96de6i/youve_heard_of_television_but_have_you_heard_of/
%
A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96d7zk/a_father_and_his_son_are_visited_by_the_child/
%
What's Canada's favourite board game?

Sorry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96d768/whats_canadas_favourite_board_game/
%
I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.
If it weren't for that, being home-schooled wouldn't have been so bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96d4u4/i_was_teased_about_my_penis_size_almost_every_day/
%
German vs Italian

5 Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian Border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them, “It's a illegala to putta 5 People in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" Asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian Official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze Automobile...” The German says unbelievingly,
"Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 Persons".
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian Customs Officer, "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car & you are therefore breaking the Law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry...” responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come.
...
...
...
He's a busy with 2 Passengers who arrived in a Fiat Uno."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96d3lr/german_vs_italian/
%
One day, a merchant set up a sign in front of his stall: "Mandarins - $500 each"

A man comes up and asks the merchant:
"Why are they so expensive? No one's going to pay that much for a mandarin!"
The merchant replies:
"You don't know how much I spent on forging his working visa"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96d2zf/one_day_a_merchant_set_up_a_sign_in_front_of_his/
%
How Canada Was Named

So the dignitaries of the associated Provinces of what we now call "Canada" got together over a game of Scrabble to determine the name of the country. They decided they would pick the name based on the first three letters they grabbed. First one: "C, eh?" Second one, "n, eh?" Third one, "d, eh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96cz2l/how_canada_was_named/
%
My wife left me because I’m too paranoid.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96cvy1/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_paranoid/
%
I was stargazing in the early hours when...

...The sky started to get brighter and brighter. I couldn't understand what was happening. Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ctau/i_was_stargazing_in_the_early_hours_when/
%
Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can keep a straight face  calling it nut juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96cqyv/why_is_almond_milk_called_almond_milk/
%
I feel like the world really missed an opportunity by calling people that study the sky astronomers

They should’ve called them skyentists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96cpwq/i_feel_like_the_world_really_missed_an/
%
Iowa, the only state where you can...

watch your dog run away for 3 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96cmb0/iowa_the_only_state_where_you_can/
%
I went to bed with a blind girl last night

She said I had the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on....
I said “you’re pulling my leg”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ck7n/i_went_to_bed_with_a_blind_girl_last_night/
%
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96cin1/did_you_hear_about_the_fire_at_the_circus/
%
I was invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society’s Dinner.

I asked what the dress code was and they just said to come in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ch9d/i_was_invited_to_the_premature_ejaculation/
%
I just really hate how some people just don’t respect us left handed people.

It just isn’t right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96cbx1/i_just_really_hate_how_some_people_just_dont/
%
People often ask me what’s the difference between being a Jew and being Jewish. If you’re a Jew, you’re born into the ethnicity, and you probably practice the religion. If you’re just religious, you’re only kind of a Jew

You’re Jew*ish*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96c8lt/people_often_ask_me_whats_the_difference_between/
%
Two whales.

Two whales are sitting at a bar. One of them suddenly says: "Mmmwaamm!"
The second whale looks over and and says: "Holy shit, you're fucking drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96c8gd/two_whales/
%
A man complains about the noise of a tennis factory

"You lot are making a racket in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96c6jm/a_man_complains_about_the_noise_of_a_tennis/
%
I tried to start a doggy day care, but it failed within the first couple days.

I only had a ruff idea of what I was doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96c5oh/i_tried_to_start_a_doggy_day_care_but_it_failed/
%
Dad, are we a family of arsonists?

Yes, yes we arson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96c1wx/dad_are_we_a_family_of_arsonists/
%
did you hear about the mathematics whiz who was afraid of negative numbers?

his phobia was so bad that he will stop at nothing to avoid them.
dedicated to my special friend blader2601.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96c0hz/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematics_whiz_who_was/
%
A man and his wife were driving their RV across Florida

... and were nearing a town spelled K- I -S- S- I -M -M -E -E. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it.-- KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into somewhere to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress, "My wife and I can't figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are, and pronounce it very slowly so that I can understand?"
The waitress looked at him and said..."Buuuurrrrggggeeeerrrr Kiiinnngggg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96btsq/a_man_and_his_wife_were_driving_their_rv_across/
%
Despite the fact she is a Democrat, Monica Lewinsky decided to vote for Trump in the last election...

....she said to her friend, "I'd like to vote for Hillary, but the last Clinton left a very foul taste in my mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96blkp/despite_the_fact_she_is_a_democrat_monica/
%
The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''
The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''
The general said, ''Just do it!''
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his dick. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.''
The general said, ''Vietnam.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96biw3/the_pentagon_said_they_had_too_many_generals/
%
What do you call a ironic judgmental hippopotamus?

Hippo-critic.
(Lol this sucks but I just thought of it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96bi1w/what_do_you_call_a_ironic_judgmental_hippopotamus/
%
Boss: "and this is what you'll be making before taxes"

Employee: "that's gross"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96bhyb/boss_and_this_is_what_youll_be_making_before_taxes/
%
Wasn't crazy about getting genital warts

but I have to admit, they are growing on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96bgl8/wasnt_crazy_about_getting_genital_warts/
%
I heard about the One Laptop Per Child program and I have questions.

1) Where do I get the laptop?
2) Where do I turn in the child?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96bd82/i_heard_about_the_one_laptop_per_child_program/
%
Did you know that you can wear a house?

But first you have to know it's address

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96bacj/did_you_know_that_you_can_wear_a_house/
%
Me: Hey babe, are you a federal student loan?

Me: hey babe, are you a federal student loan?  Because it looks like you have low interest
My date: Yep.
Me: oh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96b7g4/me_hey_babe_are_you_a_federal_student_loan/
%
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ay78/my_lesbian_neighbors_gave_me_a_rolex_for_my/
%
A farmer hits a pothole and ends up stranded with a flat tire...

“Hell, should’ve brought asparagus.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96av2q/a_farmer_hits_a_pothole_and_ends_up_stranded_with/
%
I went to Spain for a holiday (Long)

and on the Sunday everyone went to the biggest restaurant in town. We went there too. The food was really good but during the meal I heard a drum roll.
The kitchen doors opened and the chef and maitre d marched out with a huge cloche. The locals all went quiet as they paraded this cloche around the entire restaurant. They placed the cloche in front of a customer and said:
" Señor your Cajones De Torres"
They lifted the cloche to reveal two huge meatballs smothered in an amazing sauce. Half way across the restaurant the smell was mouthwatering. The customer cut into it and it was clear he was amazed with the taste.
We continued our meal but at the end I asked what he has and the maitre d said,
" Señor , the Cajones De Torres are only available to one customer on a Sunday after the bull fight."
He said I could order it for a weeks' time so I immediately paid the money and booked us in for a weeks' time.
During the week people kept coming to me and congratulating me on being a tourist getting the Cajones De Torres.
Sunday came around and I was waiting in the center of the restaurant. The doors opened to the drum roll. The Chef and maitre d marched out with the cloche. They placed it in front of me and said,
" Señor your cajones"
Lifting the cloche to reveal two tiny meatballs maybe an inch long each. I asked the maitre d what was going on:
" Señor the matador, he not always win!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96auuc/i_went_to_spain_for_a_holiday_long/
%
Kermit is so disrespectful

He didn’t even say a thing at Jim Henson’s funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96arnm/kermit_is_so_disrespectful/
%
I finally read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

I know it’s only 6 words, but I’m proud of myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96anxm/i_finally_read_harry_potter_and_the_sorcerers/
%
Why are there no pain killers in the jungle?

Because parrots-eat-em-all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96an1v/why_are_there_no_pain_killers_in_the_jungle/
%
Before she died, my mom told me she wanted to be buried with my grandma.

I feel really sad about having to kill grandma now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96alns/before_she_died_my_mom_told_me_she_wanted_to_be/
%
'Wow Pastor, what a beautiful church'. 'Indeed, it's Norman'.

'Wow Norman, what a beautiful church'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96al6p/wow_pastor_what_a_beautiful_church_indeed_its/
%
A blonde walks into Best Buy...

She approaches an associate and asks the price of a TV in the corner, but to her surprise, the associate looks at her and tells her that they don't serve blondes.
The blonde goes home and dies her hair brown, the returns to the store and asks the same question - only to get the same reply.
Now furious at how he recognized her, she goes home and puts on a black wig, paints her nails, changes her clothes and puts on sunglasses before heading back out.
She walks back into the store and asks for help with the same TV in the corner.
"Again, lady, we don't serve blondes." the associate replies.
"How the heck do you know it's me?!"
"Because that's not a TV, it's a microwave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96aisd/a_blonde_walks_into_best_buy/
%
I hate spelling errors.

You mix up two letters accidentally and your whole joke is urined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ai94/i_hate_spelling_errors/
%
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96ai2h/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
%
I just signed up for the new college course about the effects of drinking soda on the body.

Anatomy and fizzyology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96aczw/i_just_signed_up_for_the_new_college_course_about/
%
What makes a cucumber turn into a pickle?

A jarring experience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96acoz/what_makes_a_cucumber_turn_into_a_pickle/
%
Why doesnt Ed have a girlfriend?

Because Sheeran away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96a4w1/why_doesnt_ed_have_a_girlfriend/
%
You can't go out dressed in that miniskirt.

But whyyyy daaaddyyyy?!?!
Jim, your balls are showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96a10u/you_cant_go_out_dressed_in_that_miniskirt/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/969x3m/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
A guy goes to the doctor, and the doctor says "you need to stop masturbating."

The guy says "Why?"
The doctor says "So I can complete the examination."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/969pyj/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_and_the_doctor_says_you/
%
I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/969msa/i_just_came_back_from_the_eye_doctor_he_says_i/
%
I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/969gyc/i_started_a_new_job_my_boss_said_hi_my_name_is/
%
What is a Jewish person's favorite letter?

not Z

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/969a5s/what_is_a_jewish_persons_favorite_letter/
%
An older guy starts working out at gym with a personal trainer. Soon after, a really fine looking woman came in and started working out.

The older guy looks to his personal trainer, “what machine can I use to impress her?”
“The ATM in the lobby,” the trainer replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9698tg/an_older_guy_starts_working_out_at_gym_with_a/
%
A mother and her young son were flying

Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9697bg/a_mother_and_her_young_son_were_flying/
%
"I want three children," said my wife.

"I think I'd prefer to have two," I replied. "But that might change over time."
And it certainly has. Now that we've got two I would prefer we had none.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9693z1/i_want_three_children_said_my_wife/
%
Any party is a gender reveal party...

...if there's enough alcohol involved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96903j/any_party_is_a_gender_reveal_party/
%
There was boy named Billy and he wasn't very smart

He lived with his mother in a small town. Nobody liked him because he was really stupid, least of all his school teacher who was always annoyed with him.
One day Billy's mother came to the school to learn how her son was doing. The teacher plainly told the mother that her son was a complete failure, he received the lowest grades and honestly she had never seen anyone half so stupid in her entire teaching career.
Billy's mother was so enraged and embarrassed that she took her son and moved to another state.
25 years later the teacher was diagnosed with a very serious illness. The doctors told her that a heart surgery was necessary, and a very complex operation was required, an operation so difficult that only one doctor in the country was qualified enough to perform it. The teacher weighed her options and decided that she had no choice other than to do the surgery. Before being administered a general anaesthetic, the teacher was told that the famed surgeon was already boarding the plane and would soon be here.
When she opened her eyes after the successful surgery, she saw a handsome young doctor who smiled at her. She wanted to thank him, raised her hand, but suddenly everything went numb, she found that she couldn't produce a sound and her face went blue. She died instantly. The doctor was shocked and while trying to discover what had gone wrong he turned around and saw Billy the hospital janitor who unplugged the oxygen supply equipment to plug in the vacuum cleaner.
Come on, did you really think that Billy would become a surgeon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/968z30/there_was_boy_named_billy_and_he_wasnt_very_smart/
%
Why do sneaky rogues wear leather armor?

Because it's made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/968x7j/why_do_sneaky_rogues_wear_leather_armor/
%
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/968x7i/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_fetus/
%
Don't post anything about Los Angeles on Reddit.

The site will go down due to all the traffic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/968rti/dont_post_anything_about_los_angeles_on_reddit/
%
What's the difference between science and religion?

One flies you to the moon, the other flies you into a building

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/968mjp/whats_the_difference_between_science_and_religion/
%
Why did the Mexican man rob a train

He had LOCOmotives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/968l9j/why_did_the_mexican_man_rob_a_train/
%
NSFW What did one OSHA violation say to the other?

I can't tell you. Its not safe for work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/968ky4/nsfw_what_did_one_osha_violation_say_to_the_other/
%
A stray dog walked up to me with a phone number around its collar.

I've never met a bitch so readily available.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/968bpe/a_stray_dog_walked_up_to_me_with_a_phone_number/
%
Did you hear Phil Swift is getting a divorce?

He said “To show the power of Flex Tape, I’ll saw this marriage in half.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/968aot/did_you_hear_phil_swift_is_getting_a_divorce/
%
I have been trying Chinese medicine for depression for about two months now

I think its working. My tears have certainly been repressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/968897/i_have_been_trying_chinese_medicine_for/
%
Why did the scientist have such strong abs?

Because he kept his Planck’s constant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9687uh/why_did_the_scientist_have_such_strong_abs/
%
A truck drivers wife is standing buck naked staring at herself in the mirror

She says to herself "I'm fat and wrinkly, my skin is old and weather worn, my hair is falling out and I just don't feel beautiful anymore"
She turns to her husband and says 'Honey, I'm fat and wrinkly, my skin is old and weather worn, my hair is falling out and I just don't feel beautiful anymore, I want you to compliment something about my body'
Husband looks over at her and he says 'Sweetheart...your eyesight is perfect'
________________________________________
One day the truck driver is sitting in front of the television flipping through channels. Switching from porn to fishing
Porn to fishing
Fishing to porn
Porn to fishing
Finally his wife said "Goddamnit just leave it on porn already! Besides, you already know how to fish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9684wb/a_truck_drivers_wife_is_standing_buck_naked/
%
Studies show that doggy is the most common sex style among married couples.

The husband sits and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9681bl/studies_show_that_doggy_is_the_most_common_sex/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You need only one nail to hang the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/967z72/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
The agent of a beautiful actress discovered that the actress had been selling her body for $100 a night.

The agent, who had fantasised about her for long, had never dreamt that she was so easily obtainable. He approached her and told her how much she turned him on and how he wanted to do her.
She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay the same $100 other customers paid.
He thought for a while, then said, "Don't I, as your agent get at least a discount?"
"Nope," she said. "If you want me, you have to pay full price like the others."
The agent, although unhappy with that, still agreed.
That night, she came to his apartment after she was done for the day. The agent did her after turning off all the lights.
An hour later, she was awakened and vigorously done again. In a while again, she was yet again awakened and made love to. She was impressed with her agent's vitality.
"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so potent. I never realised how lucky i was to have you for my agent."
"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice said. "He's at the door selling tickets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/967z3s/the_agent_of_a_beautiful_actress_discovered_that/
%
A bird is flying south for the winters

It freezes mid-flight and falls down on the snow in a farm. A cow passing by takes pity on it and shits on it to keep it warm.
After few minutes the bird regains consciousness because of the warmth and starts chirping.
A cat hears it, picks it out of the shit, cleans it and eats it.
Moral of the story:
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who takes you out of a shit is your friend.
But most importantly,
When you are in a deep shit, shut the fuck up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/967ujs/a_bird_is_flying_south_for_the_winters/
%
Three lads get lost in the jungle...

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/967pyu/three_lads_get_lost_in_the_jungle/
%
What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/967pxr/what_does_idk_stand_for/
%
There are two types of people in the world

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/967nnj/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
If Kim Jong Un named his son Kim Jong

Then his sons full name would be Kim Jong Deux

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/967lsu/if_kim_jong_un_named_his_son_kim_jong/
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If a Millennial dies, they can be eulogized as such:

"They died doing what they loved. Dying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/967jba/if_a_millennial_dies_they_can_be_eulogized_as_such/
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A man went to a German food stand

A young man went to a German food stand to order a bratwurst. As he gets his order, both ends of the sausage were missing. It was nonetheless the best bratwurst he has ever tasted so he decides to ask why the ends were missing and if it improves the taste somehow.
The cook answered that just does it because that's how he learned it from his grandmother. Furthermore he told the man that if he wants to know more he can always visit his grandmother and ask her if there is something to it.
The man then went to the grandmother's home  to ask her his question. She was baffled and asked if her grandson still has the old small frying pan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/967i3j/a_man_went_to_a_german_food_stand/
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A father and his son are preparing to go out for a drive

They get in the car, but the father leaves his door open. After a couple seconds of sitting expectantly, the son asks, "Dad, why is your door ajar?"
"It's not," replies the dad. "It's still a door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/967hkg/a_father_and_his_son_are_preparing_to_go_out_for/
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What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/967aww/whats_irish_and_stays_outside_your_house_all_year/
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Where does a gypsy keep his money?

In your wallet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96720e/where_does_a_gypsy_keep_his_money/
%
There was a child who was absolutely obsessed with tractors

He had tractor wallpaper, model tractors, pictures of tractors.. everything was about tractors for him.
However, as he grew older his love for tractors faded.
He went to university, married a girl and they had kids.
One day he came home and his house was on fire and his family were trapped inside!
He ran to the front door, took a deep breath and sucked all of the flames into his mouth.
Sobbing, his wife came out with the children and screamed ‘HOW ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT?’
He replied, calmly ‘It’s easy. I’m an ex-tractor fan.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9670wn/there_was_a_child_who_was_absolutely_obsessed/
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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96703q/yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_spill_all_his_scrabble/
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A man goes out to the bar woth his friends, but promises his wife he won't drink.

A man goes out to the bar with his friends, but promises his wife he won't drink. All night long his friends try to convince him to drink with them and get a cab later. He finally relents and starts taking shots.
Pretty soon he catches and surpasses his friends. He gets so drunk that he throws up on his shirt. He tells the bartender how mad his wife will be when she finds out he drank.
The bartender says "Don't worry, all you gotta do is put a twenty in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else threw up on you and paid for the dry-cleaning."
The man emphatically agrees and continues drinking. When he finally takes a cab home he stumbles inside reeking of booze to find his wife waiting for him.
"Where were you?" She shouts.
"I was at the bar, but don't worry, I wasn't drinking."
"Oh really? Then why is there puke on your shirt?"
"That wasn't me. Someone threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks for dry cleaning. Check my pocket."
She walks over and pulls cash out of his shirt pocket. "Why is there forty dollars here?"
He looks right at her and says "later in the night, the same guy shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966zb1/a_man_goes_out_to_the_bar_woth_his_friends_but/
%
A guy asks for a gallon of chocolate ice cream

The clerk says, “sorry we don’t have any chocolate, we have vanilla and strawberry”
Guy says “ok just give me a 1/2 gallon of chocolate”
Clerk says “again, we have no chocolate, we have vanilla and strawberry”
Guy says “ok just give me a pint of chocolate then”
Now the clerk says “ok mister do me a favor, spell the van in vanilla”
Guy “V-A-N, why?”
Clerk “that’s good, now spell the straw in strawberry”
Guy “S-T-R-A-W, I don’t get it?”
Clerk “doing great, now spell the fuck in chocolate”
Guy “um, there is no fuck in chocolate”
Clerk “that’s what I’ve been saying, THERE IS NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966z7m/a_guy_asks_for_a_gallon_of_chocolate_ice_cream/
%
Why is it so windy inside a sports arena?

All those fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966xzx/why_is_it_so_windy_inside_a_sports_arena/
%
Built a robot to tie rope together...

But it does knot work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966xd6/built_a_robot_to_tie_rope_together/
%
I never watch movies with a score 9/10 or higher.

They're always overeighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966waa/i_never_watch_movies_with_a_score_910_or_higher/
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Helicopter flavored potato chips?

A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966vmw/helicopter_flavored_potato_chips/
%
You know what they say about having big hands and big feet?

Two out of three ain’t bad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966uts/you_know_what_they_say_about_having_big_hands_and/
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She said “Take me to one of those restaurants where they make food in front of you”

So I took her to subway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966tuv/she_said_take_me_to_one_of_those_restaurants/
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How do you find Will Smith when he’s lost in the snow?

You just look for fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966t9o/how_do_you_find_will_smith_when_hes_lost_in_the/
%
Two nuns are driving along in Transylvania,

all of a sudden Dracula runs out into the road & jumps on the bonnet of their car.
The first nun says ‘ Well what are we going to do?’
The second replies ‘ Get out & show him ya cross’
The first nun jumps out & screams ‘ Get off my fucking car you toothy prick!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966scz/two_nuns_are_driving_along_in_transylvania/
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My dick used be visible from the Space Station

But NASA told me to stop tweeting dick pics at its astronauts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966ocv/my_dick_used_be_visible_from_the_space_station/
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A transgender four year old is like a vegan cat.

We all know who's making the lifestyle choices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966n5u/a_transgender_four_year_old_is_like_a_vegan_cat/
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The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966j9g/the_husband_leans_over_and_asks_his_wife/
%
What is the German word for constipation?

Farfrompoopin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966gds/what_is_the_german_word_for_constipation/
%
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones say "Hey you, get off of my cloud." The Scotsman says "Ay'! McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966g3v/whats_the_difference_between_the_rolling_stones/
%
Beethoven (to crowd): "Alright... are you guys READY FOR SOME SYMPHONIES?"

Crowd:  (*Cheers*)
Beethoven:  "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966ffn/beethoven_to_crowd_alright_are_you_guys_ready_for/
%
A husband loves his wife so much that he tattooed her name, Wendy, on his dick..

Looks fine when he's aroused but when he's not, all you see are the letters 'w' and 'y'...
So it happened that they went on a holiday to Jamaica and decided to check out San Souci.
The husband is happily sitting while watching his wife skinny dipping in the ocean and a big Jamaica native sat down next to him.. curiosity got the better of the husband and he took a peek down and was surprised to see the same letters W and Y on the other guy's flaccid dick..
'hey, I'm Bob.. I see your wife name is Wendy also?
'Wat?
'Wendy.. see.   And he shows the guy his soft dick with W and Y, and when he pulls his dick.. it works out Wendy.
The Jamaican guy chuckled.. 'very cute little mon  But no, my wife ain't called Wendy.  And the W - Y on it dick reads, 'Welcome to Jamaica.  Have a nice day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/966a23/a_husband_loves_his_wife_so_much_that_he_tattooed/
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Whenever I get into a joke war, I make a pun about reality TV stars

It’s my Trump card

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9668vi/whenever_i_get_into_a_joke_war_i_make_a_pun_about/
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A long-neck giraffe is eating with a rabbit in the forest

... and then the giraffe brags, "Bet you are really envious of my long neck. When I'm eating, delicious food usually lingers in my throat and oh my, the taste, the scent, that feels really good!"
The rabbit swallows a mouthful real fast and then asks,
"Have you ever puked?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9667hm/a_longneck_giraffe_is_eating_with_a_rabbit_in_the/
%
I was on a jungle expedition in Bangladesh with some colleauges of mine, when we all came across a tiger...

It was really messy, so out of courtesy we tried wiping it off while profusely apologising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9666fs/i_was_on_a_jungle_expedition_in_bangladesh_with/
%
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9665u1/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time.

"This ain't a scene," he said, "it's a goddamn arms race."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9661hy/a_woman_in_a_park_called_911_when_the_police/
%
My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/965wwy/my_wife_put_on_a_sexy_cop_outfit_and_arrested_me/
%
What does the O in Reddit stand for

Original Content

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/965r4s/what_does_the_o_in_reddit_stand_for/
%
Why do niceguys never go to jail?

Because they’re already incels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/965ouv/why_do_niceguys_never_go_to_jail/
%
I went on a date with a small carp once. Bit of a tease, kept acting shy.

She was a little koi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/965ogd/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_small_carp_once_bit_of_a/
%
I asked Siri a question and she said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”

I must have left the phone in Airplane mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/965ipn/i_asked_siri_a_question_and_she_said_dont_call_me/
%
did you hear about the mathematician with a phobia of negative numbers?

he will stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/965ekl/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_with_a/
%
what is the best thing about switzerland?

I have no idea either but the flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/965c8e/what_is_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9659fs/a_priests_asks_the_convicted_murderer_at_the/
%
So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery?

Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9658tr/so_doc_i_was_told_i_only_had_a_1_chance_to/
%
My Grandpa recently had to start using Viagra

Grandma took it pretty hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96588c/my_grandpa_recently_had_to_start_using_viagra/
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A lot of redditors who post in r/Jokes remind me of Carlos Mencia

Not just because they steal jokes but they're fat and stupid too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9656ze/a_lot_of_redditors_who_post_in_rjokes_remind_me/
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My father always said,

if you want to succeed in life dont take no for an answer.
Terrible father, great rapist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9655qq/my_father_always_said/
%
I went to a store and there was a sample table on display with depleted batteries:

Needless to say, they were free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9654gz/i_went_to_a_store_and_there_was_a_sample_table_on/
%
What does the E in Logan Paul stand for?

Empathy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/965209/what_does_the_e_in_logan_paul_stand_for/
%
What is Hitlers least favourite planet?

Jewpiter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/964zdc/what_is_hitlers_least_favourite_planet/
%
Mother, mother, ...

... how come other children need hours to solve Rubik's cube but I do it in just a few seconds?
- Well, sweetie, it's because you're color blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/964z9o/mother_mother/
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I'm going to see a show on about dead batteries

Why, you ask?
Because its free of charge!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/964xdi/im_going_to_see_a_show_on_about_dead_batteries/
%
Why did Sherlock Holmes visit a Mexican restaurant?

Because he was looking for a good case idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/964lep/why_did_sherlock_holmes_visit_a_mexican_restaurant/
%
What colour can you use to start your car?

Khaki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/964fz5/what_colour_can_you_use_to_start_your_car/
%
When I was in Thailand I had a driver that ran through all the red lights.

I got mad at him but he said he was a professional driver. When he stopped at a green light I asked why, and he said “Just in case there are other professional drivers out there”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/964e8w/when_i_was_in_thailand_i_had_a_driver_that_ran/
%
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: 2019 Ram All-New Ram 1500 with eco-boost V8 engine
12750 pounds special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 900-watt Harman Kardon® Premium Audio System with exceptional power 19 speakers, Metal-inlaid Limited badging, Class-Exclusive Active-Level™ Four Corner Air Suspension with automatic load leveling, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96468v/a_husband_went_to_the_sheriffs_department_to/
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Why would glass coffins be popular?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9645k4/why_would_glass_coffins_be_popular/
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Genie: You have two wishes left

Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead
Penie: And your final wish?
Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead
Penis:
Ms: Nics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9645i0/genie_you_have_two_wishes_left/
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What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

Some butthole has my pen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/963ymb/what_did_the_nurse_say_when_she_found_a_rectal/
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A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”
One student raises their hand,
“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/963vhb/a_professor_in_south_africa_is_teaching_her/
%
A girl called me cute today

So I asked if she was a Flat Earther because although flattering she was clearly mistaken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/963v6c/a_girl_called_me_cute_today/
%
A man walks by a small store and sees a cat drinking out of a valuable saucer.

He recognizes the saucer's value, and he immediately wants to add it to his collection. However, he is sure that the store owner doesn't know that the saucer is valuable, or else she wouldn't let the cat drink from it, and he doesn't want her to find out and charge him for the full value. So he walks over to her and asks, "How much would you charge me to buy that cat? He looks good for catching mice."
"We have him here to catch mice in the store," replied the store owner, "but I'll sell it to you for $120 if you really need him. I can get another."
"Sounds a bit high, but okay," said the man. "Now, since he's been so used to drinking out of that saucer, would you mind throwing it in along with the cat? And what about his collar?"
"You can have the collar," she answered, "but you can't have the saucer. That's my lucky saucer; so far this week, I've sold 84 cats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/963u73/a_man_walks_by_a_small_store_and_sees_a_cat/
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I once knew someone addicted to drinking breaking fluid

He insisted he could stop anytime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/963rhd/i_once_knew_someone_addicted_to_drinking_breaking/
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Dad joke while in labor and delivery

Wife is getting induced so we are currently at the hospital and while talking to the nurse she asked how many kids she had. To which she replied 3 as any seasoned Dad would do I decided to introduce a joke that had me cracking up in my head so I turn and look and say 3 kids with a frown that’s an odd number. Made my day but was made to a tough crowd so came here for a better response.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/963mii/dad_joke_while_in_labor_and_delivery/
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What do you call a man with a sword and severe anxiety?

A worrier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/963lyc/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_sword_and_severe/
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I like my women how I like my scotch,

Aged 18 years and mixed with a little coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/963l1q/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_scotch/
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Three old ladies were sitting on a bench...

and an old man walked up and flashed them.
The first one had a stroke.
the second one had a stroke.
But the third... couldn't quite reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/963fy3/three_old_ladies_were_sitting_on_a_bench/
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I like my girls just like my wine...

12 years old and in my basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/963b6d/i_like_my_girls_just_like_my_wine/
%
Show me the way of sword fencing!

Hi, I am from the sword fencing team! Everyone told me to come here because you guys are the masters of riposting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9638ky/show_me_the_way_of_sword_fencing/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9637fj/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So, I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96371e/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
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At first I didn’t really like fans

But the more I’m around them, the more they blow on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9633wq/at_first_i_didnt_really_like_fans/
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Two gay guys are fucking in the woods, a tree falls on them and kills them both. Which one makes it to heaven?

The one on bottom because he's already got his shit packed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9632vj/two_gay_guys_are_fucking_in_the_woods_a_tree/
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Why isn’t beef a good password

It isn’t stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9632uv/why_isnt_beef_a_good_password/
%
Why did the idiot put peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96320x/why_did_the_idiot_put_peanut_butter_on_the_road/
%
I hate it when people say Dolphins are fish

Because they're predominantly black guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9630xw/i_hate_it_when_people_say_dolphins_are_fish/
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In 49 states in America, a crab shack is a restaurant.

In Florida, it's a changing room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962zo8/in_49_states_in_america_a_crab_shack_is_a/
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I call my weed "The Quran"

Because burning it will get you stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962uon/i_call_my_weed_the_quran/
%
I keep making Peter Pan jokes...

but they just Never Land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962u9z/i_keep_making_peter_pan_jokes/
%
What lights up a soccer stadium?

A soccer match.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962u64/what_lights_up_a_soccer_stadium/
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What do you call a fish without eyes?

Fsh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962txz/what_do_you_call_a_fish_without_eyes/
%
How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl orgasm?

Ten-tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962s2z/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_japanese/
%
What does the F in Ethiopia stand for?

Food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962qeb/what_does_the_f_in_ethiopia_stand_for/
%
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962q01/how_do_you_get_a_baby_astronaut_to_sleep/
%
My friend playing golf gets bit by a snake on his genitalia

I ran up to the clubhouse;
"My buddy got bitten by a venomous snake, how do I save him"
"You gotta suck out the venom, and quickly"
So I ran back to my friend,
"What'd he say? What'd he say?"
"You're gonna die..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962oer/my_friend_playing_golf_gets_bit_by_a_snake_on_his/
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Why does Trump want a space force?

To stop illegal aliens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962mnw/why_does_trump_want_a_space_force/
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Bad luck

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears:
'You know what?  You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962m8p/bad_luck/
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My wife went shopping and we got into a fight

when she came home.
She spent $1000 on a bag of pasta. I couldn't believe it, and I lost my temper.
But she reassured me that it would be worth every penne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962jaz/my_wife_went_shopping_and_we_got_into_a_fight/
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Saul the Dreamer (An Old Yiddish Joke from Centuries Back)

Here's one that's long, but probably not a repost.
Once upon a time there lived a man whose name was Saul the Dreamer. Saul was a man of roving and adventurous disposition, always ready to travel and explore. One day, an itinerant maggid told him about a far away country where onions were unknown.
"No onions!" mused the Dreamer. "Now what kind of pleasure can they derive from their food without onions? I'll go there and introduce the delicious vegetable." Without further delay he acquired a wagon-load of onions and started out for that country. It was a distant land and the journey took many months.
Immediately upon his arrival he went directly to the royal court and asked for an audience with the emperor.
"Your highness, I bring you a new vegetable that possesses the unique quality of improving all food," began Saul. "Even by itself it is a gourmet's delight. I urge you to try it."
"Very well," agreed the monarch. "But if this strange vegetable should prove injurious you will forfeit your head."
The dinner at which the onions were to be served was a formal one. All the ministers of state, the nobles, and high priests  of the mighty realm were invited. The dishes which contained the onions were first tasted by Saul the Dreamer, then by the slaves, and then, in turn, by the potentates and prelates. Finally the emperor tasted the new vegetable. The reaction among all was of great enthusiasm. Serf and sovereign alike pronounced it most excellent in flavor and succulence. The monarch appropriated the wagon-load of onions for his court and gave Saul their weight in gold.
When the adventurer returned home, a committee of prominent citizens gathered to congratulate him on his good fortune. For hours he told his curious landsleit of the splendor and magnificence he had witnessed in this distant land where gold was cheaper than onions.
Fired by these tales, one enterprising individual, Kolboynik by name, conceived a plan by which he was certain to make even a bigger fortune than had Saul the Dreamer. Garlic, he figured, is not only more expensive than onions but infinitely more fragrant. So why not take a few sacks of that delicacy to the faraway land? Sure, if they would exchange gold for onions, they would give him the equivalent weight in diamonds! Whereupon he set out for that mystic country with a cargo of five bags of garlic.
As did Saul the Dreamer, he succeeded in inducing the emperor to give his innovation a trial. And, just as he had foretold, the garlic was relished much more than the onions. The monarch held a consultation with his ministers as to the form of recompense to be paid this noble visitor. Gold, they unanimously decided, would not be an adequate remuneration for such a desirable food in which even God and his angels might take delight. Therefore they decided to reward him with the most precious commodity in all the kingdom.
And so Kolboynik returned home with his reward - five sacks of onions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962hgm/saul_the_dreamer_an_old_yiddish_joke_from/
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One day a snail goes to the dealership

The dealer is longwindedly going on about all his options and the snail says he doesn’t care what car it is, he just wants the fastest one on the lot.
The dealer takes him to the fastest car they have and the snail only has one question, “Would it be possible to get the letter ‘S’ painted onto all sides of the vehicle?”
The dealer said “Yes, that could be arranged for a fee but if I may ask why ‘S’?”
The snail replies “When I pass people on the freeway I want them to look at me and say ‘Wow, look at that ‘S’ car go!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962gza/one_day_a_snail_goes_to_the_dealership/
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What's a nazi's favorite button combo on a keyboard?

Alt-right.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962g38/whats_a_nazis_favorite_button_combo_on_a_keyboard/
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A drummer was standing outside of his car panicking because he accidentally locked his keys inside it.

It was a very hot sunny day and the bassist was still inside the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962doe/a_drummer_was_standing_outside_of_his_car/
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I organised a secret Bukkake party for my girlfriends birthday

Everybody came, you should have seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962dag/i_organised_a_secret_bukkake_party_for_my/
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How many redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

The lightbulb was screwed in 5 years ago and it's been reposted a thousand times, can we move on now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962ci4/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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The plant markets have been bull lately...

The stalks have been going up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962bej/the_plant_markets_have_been_bull_lately/
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I wrote a Country song about how all my former lovers are Transsexual

It's called "All My Ex's Have Changed Sexes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/962bb0/i_wrote_a_country_song_about_how_all_my_former/
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Jimmy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Jimmy went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' say a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied,
"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Protestants down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Jimmy said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9624jx/jimmy_lived_alone_in_the_irish_countryside_with/
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Costco stock was down today more than $6

Nobody bought their shares in bulk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9621a8/costco_stock_was_down_today_more_than_6/
%
I went to go see Kafkaesque last night...

They’re a new Prague Rock band, you should Czech them out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9620ew/i_went_to_go_see_kafkaesque_last_night/
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You know how cats always swat at each other for seemingly no reason? Turns out it's in their DNA.

I'm sure somewhere in their genome it reads CAT TAG

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/961ya9/you_know_how_cats_always_swat_at_each_other_for/
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/961oxi/on_their_way_to_get_married_a_young_catholic/
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Dr visits an Indian Tribe

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"  "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.  One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."  The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.  Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"  "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/961mu2/dr_visits_an_indian_tribe/
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I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM and the clock struck midnight....

I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/961mnu/i_was_sitting_on_the_toilet_at_1159_pm_and_the/
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This is a joke better spoken than written, but here goes anyway...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "We don't allow animals here. You're going to have to leave your dog outside." The guy replies, "No, you misunderstand. My dog can talk." Amused, the bartender tells the man that that's ridiculous and to leave his dog outside. The guy says, "Fine, let me prove it to you." He turns to his dog and asks, "What does sandpaper feel like?" The dog goes "Ruff, ruff." The bartender says, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. That is just a normal dog. Now please put him outside, like I asked you to." The guy goes, "No, wait! I promise, he really can talk." He turns to the dog and says, "What's on top of a house?" The dog goes, "Roof! Roof!" The bartender, nearly fed up, tries to push the man out the door, but before he can, the man says, "Really! He can! He can speak! Just one more chance? Please?" The now-irritated bartender says, "Fine. Just one more. But if he's just making normal dog noises, you have to leave." "Okay, okay, okay," says the man, turning once again to the dog. "Alright boy," he says. "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth, ruth!" replies the dog. "That's it," says the bartender. "You're obviously crazy. Get out or I'm calling the cops."
As the man and the dog are standing outside on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the man and says, "Well, might've been DiMaggio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/961m02/this_is_a_joke_better_spoken_than_written_but/
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When I was a kid, my family was very poor.

I remember my dad was cutting Onion and our whole family was crying.
Poor Onion.
He was such a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/961l7h/when_i_was_a_kid_my_family_was_very_poor/
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When my girlfriend says something racist, only one thing goes through my mind.

Why did I even imagine her?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/961jdy/when_my_girlfriend_says_something_racist_only_one/
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A man calls his doctor

"Doctor, my wife has appendicitis, it's emergency !"
"That's impossible, I personally removed your wife's appendix ! I have never seen someone having appendicitis twice !"
"And someone having a new wife, have you seen that ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/961eay/a_man_calls_his_doctor/
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Got rid of all mirrors off my car last week

Haven’t looked back since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/961dz0/got_rid_of_all_mirrors_off_my_car_last_week/
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Neither President Obama nor President Trump has done anything for the people of Mississippi.

For example, they still live there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/961boq/neither_president_obama_nor_president_trump_has/
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9615hu/i_was_telling_a_girl_in_the_pub_about_my_ability/
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A bear joke

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96117r/a_bear_joke/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/960k0e/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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I didn’t trust my wife home alone with the roofers...

So I hired an all gay roofing crew. I don’t know if it worked, she said they’ve been outside banging all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/960jf7/i_didnt_trust_my_wife_home_alone_with_the_roofers/
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What do you call a Jihadi sex toy?

A blow-up doll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/960fky/what_do_you_call_a_jihadi_sex_toy/
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Today I discovered math doesn’t lie... And it won’t for you either

Try this mathematical film test. It's pretty amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked.
This test will predict which of the 18 films listed below is your favourite. Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Don't cheat and look at the film list till you have done the maths!
Here goes...
Film Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite film in the list of 18 films below.
Film List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Gay Anal Fisting
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubt-fire
18. Toy Story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/960e9y/today_i_discovered_math_doesnt_lie_and_it_wont/
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Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The ceremony was ok, but the reception was outstanding!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96075c/did_you_hear_about_the_two_antennas_that_got/
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Wouldn't it be weird to see your friends star in commercials?

Frank was watching TV one night and saw his good friend Bob starring in a Viagra commercial. Frank thought Bob and him were pretty close, so he was surprised he hadn't heard about this before.
He calls to his wife in the other room and says, "Hey Susan, did you know Bob is in a Viagra commercial?"
Susan answers, "But Bob doesn't have erectile dysfunction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9601ly/wouldnt_it_be_weird_to_see_your_friends_star_in/
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Beautiful Butt

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have a beautiful butt." She asks her friends if she has a beautiful butt and they agree. Her husband's birthday is coming up, and so she decides she's going to get "beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass cheeks, one cheek with "beautiful" and the other with "butt." The tattoo artist tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I'll put a "B" on each cheek and you can tell your husband it stands for "beautiful butt." She agrees. On the husband's birthday she's standing on top of the stairs wearing a robe. When he gets home, she says "Look honey!" She opens the robe, turns around and bends over. Her husband yells "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9601kz/beautiful_butt/
%
Which president is least guilty?

Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9600m2/which_president_is_least_guilty/
%
I'm thinking about joining a gang...

that way I always know what to do with my hands in pictures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95zyze/im_thinking_about_joining_a_gang/
%
A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

“Hands up, this is a robbery!” He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.
One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; “Hey, shouldn’t you be robbing a blood bank?”
The vampire turns to them and grins.
“No, see, I’m cursed.” He explains.
“Cursed?”
“Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there’s always at least one when I pull this stunt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95zy8e/a_vampire_walks_into_a_bank_and_pulls_a_gun_out/
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What’s a fan’s favorite song?

Hooked on a Ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95zw5w/whats_a_fans_favorite_song/
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What is a White Supremacist’s favorite race to run in?

The 3K!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95zvoc/what_is_a_white_supremacists_favorite_race_to_run/
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I will always remember my grandpa’s last words

Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95zjzr/i_will_always_remember_my_grandpas_last_words/
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I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was

and then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95zdi9/i_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_where_the_sun_was/
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Ladies, if a guy says he's going to fix something, he's going to fix it

No need to remind him every six months about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95zd90/ladies_if_a_guy_says_hes_going_to_fix_something/
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If a redneck dies in battle....

Does he go to y'allhalla?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95zd7o/if_a_redneck_dies_in_battle/
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Knock Knock. Who's there? Spell.

Spell who? "W-H-O."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95zd4n/knock_knock_whos_there_spell/
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The red man lives in the red house, the green man in the green house and the blue man lives in the blue house. Who lives in the white house?

The orange man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95zagw/the_red_man_lives_in_the_red_house_the_green_man/
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A Professor is preparing her class for the their final exam...

The professor has finished going over the material for the exam and turns to her class before releasing them.
Prof: "Alright guys, this is the big one, if you don't pass the exam you'll fail the class. Also, you must be on time. Short of a sudden family death or extreme spontaneous illness, you will fail if you're not here on time."
Before she can release the class, a student towards the front of the room raises his hand.
Student: "What if I become exhausted from extreme sexual activity, and I can't get out of bed?"
The class chuckles, the professor glares at the student, blinks twice and replies:
"Then you'll need to wash your sheets and learn how to write with your other hand before coming to class."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95z7n4/a_professor_is_preparing_her_class_for_the_their/
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I want to throw a space party.

Any suggestions on how I could planet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95z3o0/i_want_to_throw_a_space_party/
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Old timers

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen," he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down, because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream -- I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says... "Where's my toast?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95z232/old_timers/
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I'm American and I hate it when people say that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95yvbz/im_american_and_i_hate_it_when_people_say_that/
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Three guys in a plane crash land on a deserted island.

One day, several years later, a bottle washes up on the beach. One of the guys opens it to reveal that it contains a genie! The two others rush over when they see what's going on.
The genie says "Normally, I give the person who finds my bottle three wishes, but since there are three of you, I'll give you each one."
She turns to the guy who found the bottle and says, "What is it that you desire?"
The man thinks for a moment, then says "Well, I've been on this island now for several years. I'd really just like to be home with my wife and our two children."
The genie smiles, snaps her fingers, and the man disappears. She turns to the second man and says, "And what is it that you desire?"
He says "Well, like the first man, I too have a family that I greatly wish to return to."
The genie wastes no time and in a second there is only one man remaining on the beach.
She says "You have one wish as well, what is it that you desire?"
The man is silent for a moment, then replies "Well, unlike those other two, I never really had a family." He thinks for a moment longer, then says "I guess I'm pretty lonely, I really wish those two guys were back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95yspq/three_guys_in_a_plane_crash_land_on_a_deserted/
%
I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome." He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95yqfp/i_held_the_door_open_for_an_old_japanese_man_and/
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The ironic thing about teachers is that they tell us to follow our dreams...

but will get mad when we fall asleep in their class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95yhvk/the_ironic_thing_about_teachers_is_that_they_tell/
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What do you call someone who fixes tiny cars?

A quantum mechanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ycwg/what_do_you_call_someone_who_fixes_tiny_cars/
%
People say dads are like boomerangs

Atleast I hope so

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ycme/people_say_dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
I like to masturbate twice a day for the health benefits.

The other three times are just for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95yazo/i_like_to_masturbate_twice_a_day_for_the_health/
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What do you call a laughing monk?

Dalai Lmao.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95y2jr/what_do_you_call_a_laughing_monk/
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Confederate supporters say that we need to leave their statues up to teach history, and that is absolutely true

After all, it's not like they can read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95xykm/confederate_supporters_say_that_we_need_to_leave/
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How do they do quality control at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory?

They give each doll two test tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95xth7/how_do_they_do_quality_control_at_the/
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Jesus and Moses

are in Heaven, fishing from a rowboat. As they were
fishing, they began to reminisce the miracles they performed when they
were on Earth. Just to see if they could still had the knack, they
each decided to do one of their miracles.
So, Moses stood up and extended his arms. Sure enough, the waters of
the lake parted and the rowboat settled gently to the bottom. He then
lowered his arms and the waters closed back in. In a few moments, the
lake had returned to normal with the rowboat floating on top.
"Pretty good, Mo," Jesus said approvingly. "Now I'll give it a try,"
he said as he climbed out of the boat. He took a couple steps and then
began to sink quickly. Just in time, Moses reached out and pulled Jesus
into the boat.
"Jesus Christ!" Moses exclaimed. "What do you suppose happened to you?"
"Aw, Mo, I should have known better than to try that one," Jesus replied.
"The last time I did that I didn't have these blasted holes in my feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95xtd6/jesus_and_moses/
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What do you call a melon that will never marry?

Cantaloupe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95xp7c/what_do_you_call_a_melon_that_will_never_marry/
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The pope goes to meet the Queen of England...

They are parading in the streets of London in a horse-drawn carriage., waving at the crowd. Suddenly on of the horses let’s out a big fart.
Queen: “So sorry...”
Pope: “Oh! If you hadn’t mentioned it, I would have thought it was the horse.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95xnop/the_pope_goes_to_meet_the_queen_of_england/
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There is no “free will.” Everything that happens, including human interaction, is deterministic...

I’m sorry, I just had to say that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95xn5u/there_is_no_free_will_everything_that_happens/
%
I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I'm done in five minutes, look nothing like the picture and you can always find me in the corner store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95xmld/i_sexually_identify_as_a_microwave_dinner/
%
A little girl goes to the barber shop with hee father.

While Dad gets his hair cut, the little girl stands next to his chair, eating a snack cake.
Her father looks down at her and says, " Honey, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie."
She nods and says, "I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95xjq8/a_little_girl_goes_to_the_barber_shop_with_hee/
%
An Irish man walks past a bar...

that's it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95xhoc/an_irish_man_walks_past_a_bar/
%
Sean walks into his local pub in Ireland

His friends all say "Hi Sean", and Sean says "Lads, you wouldn't believe what happened to me while I was walking to the pub.   I saw a very shapely lady tied to the railroad tracks.   Well, I ran over and untied her and we made passionate love together."  One of the guys says "Sean, did you get any head?"  And Sean says, "No, I couldn't find it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95xhih/sean_walks_into_his_local_pub_in_ireland/
%
Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95xh08/did_you_hear_about_the_drummer_who_gave_his/
%
If you're ever lost in the woods, just look up at the sky for the North Star.

Its twinkling will comfort you as you die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95xgy5/if_youre_ever_lost_in_the_woods_just_look_up_at/
%
Three men died and ended up in heaven...

They were greeted by a saint who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity... as long as you don't step on a duck." The men all agreed to not step on any ducks and they went on their way.
The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up tripping over a duck. The saint appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist.
The second man lasted a week before he tripped over a duck as well. The saint appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist.
The third man went years without ever stepping on a duck. Out of the blue, the saint appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?"
The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95xgt2/three_men_died_and_ended_up_in_heaven/
%
Faithful dog for sale

read the add, as such John called up the owner for details.
- Hey, I saw your offer for a faithful dog, I have a couple of questions.
- Shoot.
- He good with kids?
- Very. He’s kind and gentle and has endless patience.
- yard dog or house dog?
- House trained but loves the yard as well.
- Cool. Last, is he really faithful?
- Oh yeah, very faithful. This is the fifth time I’m selling him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95xe4n/faithful_dog_for_sale/
%
Why do cops make terrible pianist?

They only hit the black keys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95x9c8/why_do_cops_make_terrible_pianist/
%
A resignation letter to my boss

I have enjoyed working here these past several years.  You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief.  Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my salary with increases until he (or she) dies and a health plan that most people can only dream of having i.e. no deductible whatsoever.
Despite this, I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.  During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient for me.  In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.
Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be coming back with no loss in pay or status.  Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in this matter.  I can, and I will do this.
Sincerely,
Every Senator or Congressman running for re-election

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95x6ug/a_resignation_letter_to_my_boss/
%
So this man is on a plane,

And he asks the flight attendant whether she will help him join the mile high club.
"I'm sorry sir but I don't give a flying fuck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95x6hj/so_this_man_is_on_a_plane/
%
What do you call a cantaloupe with clinical depression?

Melon-choly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95x58u/what_do_you_call_a_cantaloupe_with_clinical/
%
After my flight arrival in Munich . . .

After my flight arrival in Munich I was going through customs and was spoken to in German by the customs agent.
I obviously looked perplexed, and so the agent asked me in English if I at least knew a little German.
I said "Sure, his name is Gunther and he's about four foot, nine inches tall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95x4nq/after_my_flight_arrival_in_munich/
%
Entry level job ad

Minimum 8 years of experience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95wzop/entry_level_job_ad/
%
I just electrocuted myself

How do you current-ly feel?
I'm kind of shocked
Watt, I didn't hear you
I said it hertz a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95wxim/i_just_electrocuted_myself/
%
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
colonel  decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He  explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he  failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the
question  of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was
"pleasure?"  A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work .
A  Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in
favor  of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There  being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge  of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without  any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be
100%  pleasure."
The  colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well,  sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing  it for them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95wwc9/a_us_marine_colonel_was_about_to_start_the/
%
AND THE AWARD FOR THE BEST NECKWEAR IS...

...oh, it's a tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95wvym/and_the_award_for_the_best_neckwear_is/
%
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars, now it's the reverse

Oh, how the stables have turned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95wsb2/100_years_ago_everyone_owned_a_horse_and_only_the/
%
My friend was telling me about a person he knew who worked in TV...

All I could think was “How do they fit in there?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95wpef/my_friend_was_telling_me_about_a_person_he_knew/
%
Help my boy laugh through his urology appointment!

I need every (non-sexual) ball and dick joke you can think of. My 8-year-old is at a urology appointment and is nervous. I’m lightening the mood.
Stuff like “what’s the difference between a snow man and snow woman? Snow balls”
Thanks in advance!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95woa8/help_my_boy_laugh_through_his_urology_appointment/
%
There's a theory that people don't see the exact same colors

Does that mean
*color is a pigment of you imagination*
huehuehuehue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95wkho/theres_a_theory_that_people_dont_see_the_exact/
%
When I was visiting Mexico, I found it strange that they would keep cheese in their first aid kits.

Turns out it was just there in queso emergency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95wk7n/when_i_was_visiting_mexico_i_found_it_strange/
%
If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize with it?

I chlorofeel you man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95wjw0/if_a_plant_is_sad_do_other_plants_photosympathize/
%
How do they circumcise boys in Virginia?

Kick his sister in the chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95wjkr/how_do_they_circumcise_boys_in_virginia/
%
Hitler never really killed himself. He transformed into an aquatic mammal-

-a-dolph-in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95wi64/hitler_never_really_killed_himself_he_transformed/
%
A retired policeman decides to get into aquatic mammal identification.

Whale whale whale, what do we have here then?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95wh04/a_retired_policeman_decides_to_get_into_aquatic/
%
You hear about the Amish prostitute?

She slept with 10 Mennonite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95wckh/you_hear_about_the_amish_prostitute/
%
How many introverts does it take to screw in a light bulb...?

Why does it have to be a group activity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95wajr/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calender?

they each got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95w9sz/did_you_hear_about_the_two_thieves_who_stole_a/
%
Jokes about dead kids are kind of like the kids themselves....

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95w8w9/jokes_about_dead_kids_are_kind_of_like_the_kids/
%
Where do math teachers go on vacation?

To Times Square.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95w8um/where_do_math_teachers_go_on_vacation/
%
What do you call an imaginary light bulb?

a filament of your imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95w8qv/what_do_you_call_an_imaginary_light_bulb/
%
a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...

immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have sex with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95w7pn/a_homeless_guy_saw_a_pretty_woman_standing_on_the/
%
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?

All it can say is "rabbit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95w4ud/did_you_hear_about_the_frog_that_was_raised_by/
%
What's the difference between my parents and my girlfriend?

I don't need to take my pants off to disappoint my parents.
Also, my parents are real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95w0cx/whats_the_difference_between_my_parents_and_my/
%
A user interface is like a joke

If you have to explain it, it’s not very good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vxg3/a_user_interface_is_like_a_joke/
%
A man walks into a pub with an alligator on a lead..

The bartender says "Hey sir, you can't bring that in here, it's dangerous! You'll have to get out."
The man says "This alligator is highly trained and tolerant, you won't have a problem with him, and I'll prove it to you!"
The bartender asks to see the proof, and the man lifts his alligator onto an empty table nearby and proceeds to take down his own trousers. The man carefully opens the jaw of the alligator and pulls out his penis, placing it into the animal's mouth. Grabbing a nearby glass bottle he smashes it over the head of the alligator, who doesn't even flinch at the impact. The man steps back and pulls his trousers back up to the astonishment of the pub.
The watching regulars applaud and cheer and the man asks "Would anyone else in here like to try that?"
A woman sat by the window shouts back "I'll do it, but don't hit me so hard with the bottle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vvpm/a_man_walks_into_a_pub_with_an_alligator_on_a_lead/
%
Why do french tanks have 6 gears?

5 for reverse, 1 for parade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vvav/why_do_french_tanks_have_6_gears/
%
An 8 year-old choir boy caught the Catholic priest masturbating

He said, “What are you doing, Father?”
The priest replied, “It’s called masturbating,” the priest replied,
“You’ll be doing it soon.”
“Why, Father?” he asked.
“Because my wrist is killing me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vtu9/an_8_yearold_choir_boy_caught_the_catholic_priest/
%
Creationist have often made me question evolution

But probably not in the way they think

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vrau/creationist_have_often_made_me_question_evolution/
%
I used to be into beastiality, necrophilia, and sadism...

But then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vr63/i_used_to_be_into_beastiality_necrophilia_and/
%
My joke was stolen

From a better comedian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vqzm/my_joke_was_stolen/
%
Did you hear about the little girl who had her trampoline stolen?

Shes obviously gutted but she'll bounce back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vqk4/did_you_hear_about_the_little_girl_who_had_her/
%
I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought

who in the hell names their kid "Earlier"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vppg/i_was_talking_to_my_mate_earlier_when_i_thought/
%
How many North Koreans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A hundred thousand. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the rest for holding the parade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vpf6/how_many_north_koreans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Due to the recent relaxation of laws in Saudi Arabia,

a new chain of fast food restaurants are opening up which are run solely by women.
It's called Burka King.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vhs0/due_to_the_recent_relaxation_of_laws_in_saudi/
%
Sod's law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law: The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.
Campbell's law: The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processes it is intended to monitor.
Cole's law: A salad dish of shredded raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vfxp/sods_law_anything_that_can_go_wrong_will_go_wrong/
%
What was the most unexpected summer hit of all time?

DES...
PA....
-nish Inquisition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vf7q/what_was_the_most_unexpected_summer_hit_of_all/
%
What did Earth say to other planets?

Get a life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vf5n/what_did_earth_say_to_other_planets/
%
I heard that 1 in every 4 men are gay...

I hope it’s Steve. He’s kinda cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vcgf/i_heard_that_1_in_every_4_men_are_gay/
%
A man was arrested for stealing yoga dvds

He's now doing a long stretch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95vbtw/a_man_was_arrested_for_stealing_yoga_dvds/
%
What happened to the guy that drank 6 cokes?

He burped 7 up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95v8fn/what_happened_to_the_guy_that_drank_6_cokes/
%
What did the bird watching sex addict see yesterday?

1 pecker 2 swallow, and 2 boobies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95v8du/what_did_the_bird_watching_sex_addict_see/
%
What do me and Mariah Carey have in common?

Neither of us know the words to any of her songs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95v835/what_do_me_and_mariah_carey_have_in_common/
%
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95v6ud/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon/
%
What is the fastest way to get ten million followers?

Run through Africa with a bottle of water!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95v2tx/what_is_the_fastest_way_to_get_ten_million/
%
What is one good thing about child molesters?

They drive slowly in the school zones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95v1ek/what_is_one_good_thing_about_child_molesters/
%
Bob, a lawyer,

was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.
His catch,  cleaned and filleted,  was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.
He was late getting home and was speeding...   Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand,  and motioned him to the side of the bridge.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen.  The cop walked up to the window and said,   "You know how fast you were going,   boy?"  Bob thought for a second and said,   "Uh,   60?"  "67 miles per hour,   son!   67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!"   said the cop.
"But if you already knew,   officer,"   replied Bob,   "why did you ask me?"  Fuming over Bob's answer,   the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion,   "That's speeding,   and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said,   "You don't even look like you have a job!
Why,   I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"  Bob answered,   "I've got a job!   I have a good,   well-paying job!"  The cop leaned in the window,   smelling Bob's fish,   and said,   "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"
“I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.  "What did you say,   boy?"   asked the patrolman.  "I'm a rectum stretcher!"  The cop,   scratching his head,   asked,   "What does a rectum stretcher do?"  Bob explained,   "People call me up and say they need to be stretched,   so I go over to their house.   I start with a couple of fingers,   then a couple more,   then one whole hand,   and then two.   Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop,   absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind,   asked,   "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
Bob said,   "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95uyxm/bob_a_lawyer/
%
I have 0x00000000 problems

and a bit ain't one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95uy3f/i_have_0x00000000_problems/
%
Did you hear that the prices of tampons have gone down recently?

Yeah, no strings attached!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95uxiq/did_you_hear_that_the_prices_of_tampons_have_gone/
%
What do we want? Airplane noises.

When do we want them?
Nyeeeaaaaaoooowww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95uwom/what_do_we_want_airplane_noises/
%
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning

Being a sniper is awesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95uqwv/i_took_my_motherinlaw_out_yesterday_morning/
%
I got an iPad from my chinese friend.

I love homemade gifts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95uoka/i_got_an_ipad_from_my_chinese_friend/
%
Why do Irish people only put 239 beans in their chili?

If they add one more it would be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95unw7/why_do_irish_people_only_put_239_beans_in_their/
%
Dad is listening to daughters prayers

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead.   Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy.  And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do.   He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him -  and goodbye daddy.  What!?  are you sure honey?  She nods.
The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat.  He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office.  He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there.   He watches the hours tick by.  Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death.
He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??!
He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day?  I'm the one who had a miserable day!  First, the milkman drops dead on the steps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ulxd/dad_is_listening_to_daughters_prayers/
%
Why don’t aliens visit the solar system

They look at the reviews and see it only has 1 star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ulrt/why_dont_aliens_visit_the_solar_system/
%
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ujsn/an_irishmans_been_drinking_at_a_pub_all_night/
%
There are three types of mathematicians...

Those who can count and those who can't....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ufs7/there_are_three_types_of_mathematicians/
%
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ud5y/before_you_criticize_someone_you_should_walk_a/
%
I used to get heartburn every time I ate birthday cake...

...then I learned you’re supposed to blow out the candles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ucj8/i_used_to_get_heartburn_every_time_i_ate_birthday/
%
Why can’t fish pass high school?

They’re all below C level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ub41/why_cant_fish_pass_high_school/
%
I will always remember what my grandpa said before kicking the bucket

How far do you think I can kick this bucket?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95u8i8/i_will_always_remember_what_my_grandpa_said/
%
I'm pretty bad at the dab, but I still do it on a regular basis

I guess you could say I dabble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95u5ls/im_pretty_bad_at_the_dab_but_i_still_do_it_on_a/
%
Q. What's the downside to having 1000 grams?

A. The pinches on the cheeks get old real fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95u4v0/q_whats_the_downside_to_having_1000_grams/
%
My friend told me he suffers from premature ejaculation, and I immediately teased him about it.

Too soon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95u4r6/my_friend_told_me_he_suffers_from_premature/
%
10 years ago i married my best friend

My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95u2bb/10_years_ago_i_married_my_best_friend/
%
I'd be frank to you...

But I'm really Jim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95tyog/id_be_frank_to_you/
%
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95tt9g/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system/
%
What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common?

In both countries, it's legal to get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95tt1k/what_do_saudi_arabia_and_canada_have_in_common/
%
Can a ninja throw a star?

Shur-he-can
Bu-dum tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95trdx/can_a_ninja_throw_a_star/
%
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid, as best he could, on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95tr05/flynn_staggered_home_very_late_after_another/
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Why did the supply chain manager wake up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat?

He was having a logistical nightmare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95tpl9/why_did_the_supply_chain_manager_wake_up_in_the/
%
What is blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95torp/what_is_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
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A modernist, materialist, and postmodernist decide to drive to a bar.

The modernist looks over the menu, and decides that he doesn’t want anything on there, instead proceeding to describe his ideal drink to the bartender.
The bartender was clearly annoyed by this, but wrote down the order anyway. After the bartender was done, the materialist asked “how much does it cost?”. The bartender said, clearly annoyed with having to make the drink in the first place “a hundred dollars”. The materialist was enraged by this, and tried to haggle down the price.
The postmodernist was outside trying to find a parking space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95tn2o/a_modernist_materialist_and_postmodernist_decide/
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Harry Potters favorite way of going down a hill is sliding

JK, Rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95tlqw/harry_potters_favorite_way_of_going_down_a_hill/
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Why did Apple want to hire Kylo Ren?

He’s an inner Vader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95tezw/why_did_apple_want_to_hire_kylo_ren/
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Did you hear the story of how Canada was named?

Many years ago, all the elders came together to name their wonderful country. The elders argued for many days, and could not come to an agreement on the name. One brilliant elder came up with a great idea, they would put all the letters of the alphabet into a hat, pull them out, one at a time, and that's what the name of their new country would be.
Of course, the elder who came up with the idea was chosen to pull the letters out of the hat.
C, eh.
N, eh.
D, eh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95tey4/did_you_hear_the_story_of_how_canada_was_named/
%
What did the Pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye, matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95taaj/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.

Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95t1c2/my_next_door_neighbor_banged_on_my_door_at_300_am/
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I tried drag racing the other day

It is murder trying to run in heels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95sy4m/i_tried_drag_racing_the_other_day/
%
I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty

Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95sxel/i_always_wondered_why_gun_barrels_tasted_salty/
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I started a new job as a Tree Trimmer.

Unfortunately, I was fired my first day. The boss said I just wasn't cutting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95swyl/i_started_a_new_job_as_a_tree_trimmer/
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Funny shit

A store that sells new husbands has opened in town, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
FLOOR 1 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
FLOOR 2 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS AND LOVE KIDS.
"That's nice" she thinks "but I want more".
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
FLOOR 3 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, AND ARE EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKING.
"Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
FLOOR 4 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKING AND HELP WITH HOUSEWORK.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
FLOOR 5 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS, HELP WITH HOUSEWORK, AND HAVE A STRONG ROMANTIC STREAK.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
FLOOR 6 - YOU ARE VISITOR 31,456,012 TO THIS FLOOR. THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS FLOOR. THIS FLOOR EXISTS SOLELY AS PROOF THAT WOMEN ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE.
THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT THE HUSBAND STORE.
PLEASE NOTE: TO AVOID GENDER BIAS CHARGES, THE STORE'S OWNER OPENED A NEW WIVES STORE JUST ACROSS THE STREET, WITH THE SAME RULES.
The First Floor has wives that love sex.
The Second Floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The Third, Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95svtn/funny_shit/
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A lot of people think apartheid is a complicated issue

But i think it's pretty black and white

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95sulc/a_lot_of_people_think_apartheid_is_a_complicated/
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Why are human traffickers hard to catch?

They know how to haul ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ssf4/why_are_human_traffickers_hard_to_catch/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping?

Don’t worry. He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95spix/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping/
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More suicide bombers...

= Less suicide bombers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95smud/more_suicide_bombers/
%
A bear walks into a bar

"Sorry we don't serve bears in here" the barman says
"But I'm a big brown bear"
"Sorry we don't serve big brown bears"
Bear is angry and hits the bar with his claw "give me a beer now!"
"Sorry we don't serve bar bashing big brown bears!"
The bear picks up a barstool and smashes it against the ground "I want a beer!"
"Sorry we don't serve barstool breaking bar bashing big brown bears here"
The bear is getting angry and takes a bite from the counter "Give me a beer!"
"Sorry we dont serve drug addicts here either"
The bear is confused "I've never touched a drug in my life!!"
"What about that barbiturate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95sgk5/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George H. W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson (musician) to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehman Brothers, September 15th, 2008'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95scx4/it_was_the_first_day_of_a_school_in_usa_and_a_new/
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I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95sbza/i_used_to_be_a_professional_ski_athlete/
%
Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95s8yf/why_did_the_tomato_turn_red/
%
I get too excited with women.

I walked a girl home, and she’s like “Do you want to come upstairs?”
I said “Upstairs? I already came here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95s8jd/i_get_too_excited_with_women/
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Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95s87l/three_tampons_are_walking_down_the_road_a_thin_a/
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What did the 0 say to the 8?

Pfft, nice belt douche bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95s4dv/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
%
My wife accused me of having no empathy.

I don’t understand why she feels that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95s24y/my_wife_accused_me_of_having_no_empathy/
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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters

They’re pretty much harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95s0iv/cigarettes_are_a_lot_like_hamsters/
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Light bulb thief

I came across an open package of light bulbs at work today.
I thought to myself, "Stealing lightbulbs? This guy must be in a really dark place".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95s0ia/light_bulb_thief/
%
A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods

The bear asks the rabbit, “does shit stick to your fur?”
The rabbit replies, “no”
The bear wipes his butt with the rabbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95rzgc/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_shitting_in_the_woods/
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What did the injured cat say?

Me...ow!
- via a 6 year old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95rw0u/what_did_the_injured_cat_say/
%
One evening a man was driving down the road at 80mph when he passed a police car....

The cop put on the blue lights and followed him, but the man didn’t slow down at all... The pursuit lasted 20 mins until the police car finally cornered the speeding car and stopped him.
The policeman walked up to the driver and said... “You’d better have a damn good excuse for driving the way you were driving tonight!”
“Well,” said the man, “2 years ago my wife ran off with a cop.... and I thought it was him, trying to give her back!”
“Have a good evening Sir”....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ru1n/one_evening_a_man_was_driving_down_the_road_at/
%
What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ru0u/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
What happens when u cross someone who is an insomniac, dyslexic and agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95rm04/what_happens_when_u_cross_someone_who_is_an/
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What's a violent and sexist book club called?

ISIS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95rjwc/whats_a_violent_and_sexist_book_club_called/
%
Every time I enter my loft, something bad happens.

I call it problemattic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95rh1b/every_time_i_enter_my_loft_something_bad_happens/
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What does a mathematician do when he is constipated?

He works it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95rgs7/what_does_a_mathematician_do_when_he_is/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Looks for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95reep/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
What's the difference between and Aussie and a Yoghurt?

If you leave a yoghurt out in the sun for 200 years, it will develop a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95rcav/whats_the_difference_between_and_aussie_and_a/
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Why do Australians abroad always work in pubs?

They're used to being behind bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95rbwn/why_do_australians_abroad_always_work_in_pubs/
%
Whats the difference between a thot and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking when you hit it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95r4ru/whats_the_difference_between_a_thot_and_a_mosquito/
%
Some pesky insects into my house today. I told them to "git out" and they scared me by speaking.

They said, "git: 'out' is not a git command. See 'git --help'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95r41x/some_pesky_insects_into_my_house_today_i_told/
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I told my friend, "My dad just passed away. I think it's only right for me to now say...that he molested me when I was three-years-old."

"Woah, man," he said. "Too soon."
I said, "Well, yes. But that's not how a paedophile's mind works."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95r3zi/i_told_my_friend_my_dad_just_passed_away_i_think/
%
Guy A calls guy B

Guy A tells guy B, "I bet you I can get us the day off at work tommorow," so Guy A tells him that plan.l
The next day guy A goes to work and goes on the roof
The boss walks in and asks him what he's doing, guy A says "I'm a light bulb!"
The boss tells him that he's been working too hard and has gone crazy and tells him to go home
Guy B follows guy A out but the boss stops and says, "what are you doing?"
Guy B says, "I can't work in the dark!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95r2cz/guy_a_calls_guy_b/
%
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95qz5q/my_wife_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out_instead_of/
%
What would Martin Luther King Jr. be if he was white?

Alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95qx5u/what_would_martin_luther_king_jr_be_if_he_was/
%
A string goes into a bar

the bartender says, "we don't serve your kind". The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair, then comes back inside. The bartender asks, "aren't you the same guy from just a minute ago?" "I'm a frayed knot" says the piece of string

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95qvot/a_string_goes_into_a_bar/
%
I woke up this morning...

Oh well, better luck tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95qrvn/i_woke_up_this_morning/
%
I want to die peacefully like my Grandfather did...

In his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his taxi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95qqui/i_want_to_die_peacefully_like_my_grandfather_did/
%
What's the difference between elephant poaching and Donald Trump?

One's a careless hunt...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95qg4z/whats_the_difference_between_elephant_poaching/
%
Customer: Can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress: Excuse me! The men I please is none of your damn business!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95qck3/customer_can_i_ask_you_something_about_the_menu/
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Why couldn’t the pirate get into the movie?

Because he didn’t have enough money.
Edit. My 6 year old told me this. I’m quite sure she didn’t mean for it to be but its a pretty good anti-joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95qc2k/why_couldnt_the_pirate_get_into_the_movie/
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If pro is the opposite of con......

Then what's the opposite of progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95qbbg/if_pro_is_the_opposite_of_con/
%
Fred

A biker was blazing down the freeway and was pulled over by a cop. The cop came up to the biker and pulled out his ticket pad.
He asked the biker, "What's your name?"
The biker replies, "Fred."
The cop asks again, No, what's your full name?"
The biker again says, "Fred."
Frowning, the cop asks again, "No, what's your full name?"
Biker says, "Fred."
Getting angry now, the cop asks again, "So why is your name Fred?"
The biker says, "Well its like this. I was born as Fred Johnson. All through school I was Fred Johnson. While in college, I decided I wanted to be a doctor. So I went to med school, got really good grades and became Fred Johnson, MD.
I was a doctor for about ten years and started to get bored with it, so I decided to become a dentist. I went back to school and after a few years I became a dentist. So I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
A few years later, I got bored with dentistry and looked into something different. I thought I would like to be a massage therapist. So I went to school, studied hard and in a couple of years, I became a massage therapist. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, LMT.
I really liked doing massages but one day I stepped over the line and had an affair with my married associate. And she gave me an STD. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, LMT with an STD.
Now having affairs with your associates is a big no-no within the LMT business so they took away my LMT. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with and STD.
Needless to say, word got around and the med schools took away my MD. Now I'm Fred Johnson, DDS with an STD.
Of course the school of dentistry found out about it too and took away my DDS. So then I'm Fred Johnson with an STD.
As luck would have it, the STD took my Johnson. So now I'm just Fred."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95qb0i/fred/
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I wrote to the Guinness Book of Records . . .

I wrote to the *Guinness Book of Records* and told them that I had a flat piece of plastic with a hole in the middle and multiple grooves. My question for them was, "Is this a record?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95q98o/i_wrote_to_the_guinness_book_of_records/
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He drove his expensive car into a tree...

...and found out how the Mercedes Benz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95q4aj/he_drove_his_expensive_car_into_a_tree/
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Did you hear about the guy who mistook tippex for viagra?

He woke up in the morning with a massive correction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95q3v7/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_mistook_tippex_for/
%
What did the father say to his son when he burnt the house down vacuum cleaning...

DYSON!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95q2n5/what_did_the_father_say_to_his_son_when_he_burnt/
%
I was once a man trapped inside a woman's body...

... then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95pyup/i_was_once_a_man_trapped_inside_a_womans_body/
%
They said i could be anything

So i became a disappointment to my family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95pv0j/they_said_i_could_be_anything/
%
My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'

What the make love is she talking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95puav/my_girlfriend_said_that_i_should_use_the_term/
%
Why don’t French people order 2 eggs in a restaurant?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95pqhw/why_dont_french_people_order_2_eggs_in_a/
%
A goat goes into labor.

She screams "I'm dying!" Her husband asks "really?" She replies "no I'm kidding"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95pg6b/a_goat_goes_into_labor/
%
That moment you realize the French where actually way ahead of their time

So far ahead no one else knew what RETWEET meant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95pdr4/that_moment_you_realize_the_french_where_actually/
%
Why did the mathematician fail as a painter?

His art was derivative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95p9xh/why_did_the_mathematician_fail_as_a_painter/
%
What does a girl with a fruit and daddy kink call her significant other?

Papaya

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95p456/what_does_a_girl_with_a_fruit_and_daddy_kink_call/
%
How brave are wrecking cranes?

They've got balls of steel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95oync/how_brave_are_wrecking_cranes/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

I put the wrong socks on this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95onsk/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
An american and Canadian are having a conversation

The american asks: “Is it true that Canadians apologise a lot?”
The Canadian thought about it for a while, shook his head, and replied:
“I’m sorry, I don’t know”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ojeh/an_american_and_canadian_are_having_a_conversation/
%
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95og9l/i_was_applying_for_australian_citizenship_and_the/
%
My wife recently convinced me to stay up all night to see where the sun went

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95odco/my_wife_recently_convinced_me_to_stay_up_all/
%
All 8 planets are singing Happy Birthday to the Sun and it sounds terrible.

Everyone turns to Earth and Earth says, "don't look at me, I'm not flat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95oa6b/all_8_planets_are_singing_happy_birthday_to_the/
%
She let me touch her tit when I showed her my new tattoo.

Tit for Tat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95oa19/she_let_me_touch_her_tit_when_i_showed_her_my_new/
%
My spare hatchet is much worse than my primary at chopping

There's a sharp contrast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95o9i8/my_spare_hatchet_is_much_worse_than_my_primary_at/
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Two little kids decide to cuss like Dad

Two boys were in their bedroom before school one morning, the oldest boy looks at the younger one and says "hey let's start cussing today like Dad does." Little brother says alright yeah! The older brother said I'll find a way to say hell and you find a way to say ass. The little brother then agreed and they both went downstairs. Arriving in the kitchen they both set at the table, and their mother asks the oldest what he would like for breakfast. Hell I'll have some Cheerios he said. The mother immediately gets mad pulls him by his ear all the way to his room, spanks his ass and says staying here until school starts. The mother walks back downstairs still red in the face. She looks at the the youngest and says what do you want for breakfast. He calmly says to her you can bet your fat ass I don't want Cheerios.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95o930/two_little_kids_decide_to_cuss_like_dad/
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She's a keeper

This guy is sitting at home alone when
he hears a knock on the front door.
There are two sheriff's deputies there;
he asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is
married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.
The guy says "sure " and shows him a
picture of his wife. The sheriff says,
"I'm very sorry sir, but it looks like your
wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, " I know, but she has a
great personality and she's an excellent cook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95o8xj/shes_a_keeper/
%
Why do convertible owners drive with the top down in rainstorms?

So they can use the car pool lane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95o8g9/why_do_convertible_owners_drive_with_the_top_down/
%
A 90 year old lady told me this joke today:

A couple grandkids go and visit their Grandma. "Grandma, grandma, tell us a story!" they say.
"Ok, go get Grandma's whiskey and cigarettes."
The grandkids go and get them then clamber onto her lap.
Grandma takes a sip of whiskey and says, "Let me tell you a story about a real son of a bitch -- "
"We don't wanna hear another story about Grandpa," the grandkids say. "Tell us a story about that time you were a whore in Alaska!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95o7fx/a_90_year_old_lady_told_me_this_joke_today/
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Why did the Ginger’s foot get blistered?

He had no sole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95o6jl/why_did_the_gingers_foot_get_blistered/
%
my mom told me to quit singing wonderwall

i said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95nxds/my_mom_told_me_to_quit_singing_wonderwall/
%
Redneck Wedding

After the ceremony the new couple arrive at their honeymoon suite at the Motel 6 and the new bride says ‘you will be careful won’t you?’
The young hubby is a bit confused and asks ‘Why?’
She explains that she is still a virgin
He throws his stuff back into his suitcase and storms out of the room.
At home his mother is surprised to see him back so early and asks ‘what’s up son?’
He says ‘she’s a virgin Maw’
The mother says ‘you done did right boy… if she’s not good enough for her family, she’s not good enough for ours’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95nv0z/redneck_wedding/
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It’s difficult to find a good jaw removal doctor.

You can never rely on word of mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95nuf0/its_difficult_to_find_a_good_jaw_removal_doctor/
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I was walking past the graveyard late at night

and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"
I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."
And you never saw anyone run so fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95nsqh/i_was_walking_past_the_graveyard_late_at_night/
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A man was known for throwing elaborate costume parties. [Long]

A successful lawyer and bachelor, he had a large home on the countryside where, once a year, he would welcome hundreds of guests to a gorgeous masquerade ball complete with a live band and exquisite catering. He would send out fancy invitations, and patrons would only be allowed into his party if they met two conditions.:
1) They RSVP'd by mail.
2) They wore a costume that met his tastes and standards.
The man would stand at the door to his luxurious home and personally judge each costume. His likable and magnetic personality, the quality of the party, and the challenge of entry made this THE event to attend.
The night of the party came, and the man was standing at the door judging guests. For every ten he welcomed, hundreds were turned away.
Imagine his disappointment when Chuck, his best friend from college, showed up wearing grubby jeans, a stained T shirt, and a backwards baseball cap. On his back was some ditzy girl he probably just picked up at the bar, clinging to him and laughing flirtatiously.
"Sup bro?!" said Chuck.
"Dude... what were you thinking?" he replied.
"Whaddya mean?" Chuck asked.
"You know the rules, man. You didn't RSVP."
"Sorry, man. I just thought, you know, we're such good friends..."
"Well," said the man. "I would be willing to make an exception if you had worn a costume. But it looks like you didn't even bother."
"Excuse me!?" cried Chuck. "For your information, I am a turtle."
The man stared at Chuck incredulously. "A turtle?"
Chuck nodded. "A turtle."
"I don't see how -"
Chuck did a little spin, and the girl on his back spread her arms wide and giggled. Very drunk.
"You see now?" asked Chuck.
The man shook his head.
Pointing at the girl on his back, Chuck said, "I'm a turtle, and this is Michelle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95nofv/a_man_was_known_for_throwing_elaborate_costume/
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Why did the fish quit smoking?

He didn't want to get hooked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95nmzx/why_did_the_fish_quit_smoking/
%
9 of 10 doctors agree good things come to those who wait

The 10th doctor needs more patients though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ng7s/9_of_10_doctors_agree_good_things_come_to_those/
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A man is at a funeral of an old friend. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "Plethora"

The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, that means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95n6jq/a_man_is_at_a_funeral_of_an_old_friend_he/
%
I asked my gf if she wanted to try anal

She: "Fuck that shit!"
Me: "That's the spirit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95n1j2/i_asked_my_gf_if_she_wanted_to_try_anal/
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No matter what one says about Putin

It's tough running two countries single handedly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95n1ex/no_matter_what_one_says_about_putin/
%
How to tell an ant’s gender

Put it in water. If the ant sinks its girl ant. If it floats its buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95mwz1/how_to_tell_an_ants_gender/
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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

anybody can roast beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95mqfy/whats_the_difference_between_roast_beef_and_pea/
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Two olives are sitting on a bench,

one falls off. The other olive says, "Are you ok?".....the fallen one responds, "O-live"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95mnun/two_olives_are_sitting_on_a_bench/
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"Mommy, mommy, I don't want to go to Europe!"

"Shut up and keep swimming."
I once knew a bunch of these. How many do you know?
Another one: "Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" "Shut up and keep eating."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95mmci/mommy_mommy_i_dont_want_to_go_to_europe/
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She died doing what she loved...

Looking at her phone while crossing the street

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95mk2t/she_died_doing_what_she_loved/
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Damn Millennials...

Walking around like they rent the damn place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95mhwf/damn_millennials/
%
What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?

If we don't get some support soon people are gonna start thinking we're nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95mbbb/what_did_one_saggy_tit_say_to_the_other_saggy_tit/
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How do you feel when there isn't any coffee left?

Despresso.
I'll show myself out now, thanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95m9we/how_do_you_feel_when_there_isnt_any_coffee_left/
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[OC] How do americans get to the shooting range?

With the school bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95m8m0/oc_how_do_americans_get_to_the_shooting_range/
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Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have little antibodies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95m4ic/why_dont_ants_get_sick/
%
What is Thanos' favorite app?

Snapchat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95m33g/what_is_thanos_favorite_app/
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What did Barack Obama said to Michelle when he proposed?

"I don't want to be Obama-self"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95m2uf/what_did_barack_obama_said_to_michelle_when_he/
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What are the worst 6 words to hear as a child?

Wait until your father gets home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95lznn/what_are_the_worst_6_words_to_hear_as_a_child/
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As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to...

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95lzbe/as_a_couple_gets_into_bed_the_husband_starts_to/
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A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters

who were getting ready to go out on dates.
The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" No.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" No.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95lys8/a_farmer_had_3_beautiful_daughters/
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Hey, do you like having sex and travelling?

Then you should fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95luuv/hey_do_you_like_having_sex_and_travelling/
%
After years of saving up, a Soviet man finally has enough to buy a car....

He goes to the appropriate ministry and informs them that he would like to purchase a vehicle.
“There  are currently shortages, it will be three years before your car is  available,” the minister informs the man. “We will have it sent to your  house when it’s ready.”
"Three years," he responds. "What month?"
"August," says the minister.
"August? What day in August?" Asks the man.
"The Second of August," says the minister.
"Morning or Afternoon?" Asks the man.
"Why do you need to know?" Asks the minister, getting exasperated.
"The plumber is coming in the morning," the man responds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95lqcf/after_years_of_saving_up_a_soviet_man_finally_has/
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What do you call slutty mermaids?

Water hose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95lpv4/what_do_you_call_slutty_mermaids/
%
I used to be addicted to soap

But I'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95loer/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
My professor said to put my name on the top of my paper

I was super confused. It was just too thin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95lo3p/my_professor_said_to_put_my_name_on_the_top_of_my/
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I hosted the worst possible orgy.

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95llvj/i_hosted_the_worst_possible_orgy/
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I was going to tell a joke about Jonestown

But the punch line is too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ll5n/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_jonestown/
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When does a joke become a Dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ll2t/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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A piece of bacon and an egg walk into a bar. The bartender says,

"We don't serve breakfast here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95lkri/a_piece_of_bacon_and_an_egg_walk_into_a_bar_the/
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Why don't churches have wifi?

Because they don't want to compete with a invisible power that actually works in reality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95lk8d/why_dont_churches_have_wifi/
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I finally decided to set up my VR device and watch some virtual porn.

Just as I was starting to enjoy it, my mom came in! I threw the headset off and tried to pretend nothing happened...
She'll be home any minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95lg2v/i_finally_decided_to_set_up_my_vr_device_and/
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How do you know you’re in an earthquake?

You call the lift and the floor comes down for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ld00/how_do_you_know_youre_in_an_earthquake/
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What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95lcgq/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
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Japanese Toilet

I'm from the UK. My best mate from uni moved to Japan a few years ago for work, he's settled down there and married a nice Japanese girl. Whenever he's been back over, he's always invited me to come and visit them, and this year I finally had the chance.
The flight over was great, the ride from the airport amazing with all the sights. The trouble started when I got to his house.
After greeting my friend and his wife, and unpacking my stuff in the guest room, I made a trip to the bathroom.
In the UK, toilets are unremarkable and utilitarian in nature. Not in Japan. This was a hi-tech throne that looked like it could transform into a robot. Amazed as I was by this, I was tired and my need was urgent, so I sat down and got to business.
It was when I reached for the toilet paper that I realised my mistake. There was none.
I looked around, and found nothing suitable. So I looked more carefully at the hi-tech lavatory I was seated upon. There were four discrete push buttons, with writing in Japanese for each.
At this point, I should have shouted for help, but we English are a reserved lot, especially when it comes to our ablutions. Pride would not let me do it.
Hesitantly, I tried the first button, and was pleasantly surprised by a warm jet of water that cleansed my nether regions. This left me clean, but damp. And so, I tried the second button. A warm and gentle wind dried my bottom.
I was so pleased by this experience, that I decided to try the third button... and passed out in screaming agony.
As I awoke in the hi-tech Japanese hospital, I found my friend and his wife anxiously sitting by my bed.
"What was the third button?" I asked, my voice weak with pain.
My friend's lovely Japanese wife leaned in close, and whispered in broken English, "Automatic tampon removal".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95lb3e/japanese_toilet/
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GF: I'm leaving you!

Me: Is it because I create gf nicknames out of names of kitchen appliances?
GF: No, it's because you're always making fun of my height
Me: You know I love you microbabe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95lb08/gf_im_leaving_you/
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Did you hear about the redneck magician?

He turns a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95lac0/did_you_hear_about_the_redneck_magician/
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What did the artist say when his car got stolen?

“Where did my Van Gogh?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95la5r/what_did_the_artist_say_when_his_car_got_stolen/
%
An atom loses an electron.

It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95l731/an_atom_loses_an_electron/
%
If 666 is evil...

then 25.806975801127 is the root of all evil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95l4jk/if_666_is_evil/
%
My life is so sad, I bought a sex robot.

I can’t turn her on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95kzz8/my_life_is_so_sad_i_bought_a_sex_robot/
%
A blind man walks into a bar,

Then a table, then a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95kzak/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What ethnicity is a nervous snake?

Hiss-panic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95kxmo/what_ethnicity_is_a_nervous_snake/
%
My girlfriend asked me how I view lesbian relationships...

apparently 1080p wasn't the right answer.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95kw83/my_girlfriend_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
%
I tried to sneak a quick pee in the public pool today but I think the lifeguard saw me.

He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95kvav/i_tried_to_sneak_a_quick_pee_in_the_public_pool/
%
How did 8 kill 18?

8/8/18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ksta/how_did_8_kill_18/
%
Have you heard the one about the broken jack-in-the-box?

If not it doesn't surprise me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95kskl/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_broken/
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Why did the chicken NOT cross the road?

...Because nobody eggs-pected that to happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95kpg5/why_did_the_chicken_not_cross_the_road/
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I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction.

She tapped the keys to her computer keyboard and said..
"It's not coming up!"...
I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95knly/i_asked_the_librarian_for_the_latest_book_on/
%
Today I was asked to go out by 20 different women...

...I was in the girls bathroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95km7l/today_i_was_asked_to_go_out_by_20_different_women/
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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95klx6/as_an_aussie_americans_are_always_asking_me_where/
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I wrote “Will you marry me?” on a balloon to propose to my girlfriend.

Then I chickened out at the last moment, and had to pop the question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95kkcl/i_wrote_will_you_marry_me_on_a_balloon_to_propose/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room....

He said "Thanks."
I said "Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95kcsb/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
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On Friday I’m hosting a support group for men who can’t ejaculate.

Let me know if you can’t come!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95kcmg/on_friday_im_hosting_a_support_group_for_men_who/
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Pro Tip: If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists...

Do not play dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95k73o/pro_tip_if_youre_being_chased_by_a_pack_of/
%
A son goes up to his father,

And just turning 16, asks him "Dad, can I take the car? I'd really like to take this girl on a date."
His father looks at him, and says "Son, if you want to take my car, there are three things I'm going to need from you.
First is that you need to start helping your mother around the house. Not just what's expected, but above and beyond.
Second, start reading the Bible. I see the crap you continuously funnel into your brain, and you need to start reading something beneficial to yourself.
Third, get a haircut. I'm tired of having a son that thinks he's a rock star and that it's cool to have long hair."
"Yes sir." Is all that the son says, and moves along.
Over the course of the next week, the son starts doing what his father has asked of him, and feels as though he's done a good job. So he once again goes up to his dad to ask about the car.
"Dad, do you have a second to talk about me taking the car out this weekend? I really want to take this girl out on a date." He asks.
His father replied "Son, your mom told me that there's been some obvious changes with the way you help out around the house. Like how the other day, you cleaned out the garage without being asked. Good job on that. Also, the other night as I walked down the hallway, I noticed your lamp was on, so I peeked in and it looked to me as if you were reading the Bible."
The son says, "Yes sir, I was.... So about the car?"
His father looks at him, then back down at the morning paper and simply replies "Haircut."
The son, being too attached to his long locks, wracked his brain for a moment, then says "Well Dad, I've been thinking, after reading the Bible a bit, I've noticed that the apostles, and even Jesus himself had long hair."
And without looking up, the father says, "Well yes son, that is true, but they also had to walk their asses everywhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95k2y2/a_son_goes_up_to_his_father/
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[Long] King Arthur and Queen Guinevere

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.
The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. 'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'.
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin.He then selected his most worn-out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came out and cut t he stick neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' said King Arthur.
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each of them has an amputated little Johnny or was damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. 'Sir Galahad', exclaimed King Arthur, 'The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But Sir Galahad was speechless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95k1yl/long_king_arthur_and_queen_guinevere/
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Hey girl are you suicide?

Because I want to commit to you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95jjiv/hey_girl_are_you_suicide/
%
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95jhwq/why_did_the_star_wars_movies_come_out_in_the/
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Why were my friends the only ones who laughed at my 9/11 joke?

Cause 9/11 was an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95jgto/why_were_my_friends_the_only_ones_who_laughed_at/
%
It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up.

Cop: That's not how field sobriety tests work Ma'am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95jfax/its_not_how_many_times_you_fall_its_how_many/
%
What do lesbian couples do when they're on their period?

Finger paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95jeif/what_do_lesbian_couples_do_when_theyre_on_their/
%
What’s the difference between pussy and parsley?

I don’t know, I’ve never eaten parsley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95jdj4/whats_the_difference_between_pussy_and_parsley/
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Why can’t politicians do algebra? (A series of jokes)

Why can’t politicians do algebra?
They can’t solve the inequalities.
Why can’t politicians do algebra?
They’re afraid of the radicals.
Why can’t politicians do algebra?
They’re just really stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95jc4n/why_cant_politicians_do_algebra_a_series_of_jokes/
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An interesting sound

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95jb3x/an_interesting_sound/
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Why are there very few books on Lesbian sex?

Because it is mainly orally transmitted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95jafy/why_are_there_very_few_books_on_lesbian_sex/
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I threw a boomerang a few weeks ago.

I now live in constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95j3db/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_weeks_ago/
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How did the unsuccessful painter die?

Art failure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95iy0m/how_did_the_unsuccessful_painter_die/
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A teacher is trying to teach her students that whales can’t swallow human beings.

One of the students raises his hand and says, “But wait, wasn’t Jonah swallowed by a whale?”
“No,” the teacher replies. “It’s impossible.”
The student whips out his phone and finds the story online, showing it to the class.
“Yeah, see,” he says. “Jonah WAS swallowed by a whale!”
The teacher, growing frustrated, lashes out, “NO! I’ve already told you that it’s impossible. Whales CANNOT swallow human beings!”
The student shrugs, “Well, when I go up to heaven, I’ll ask him!”
“Oh yeah? What if Jonah went to hell?” the teacher replies.
The student shrugs again.
“Well then you can ask him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ivc4/a_teacher_is_trying_to_teach_her_students_that/
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Women are a lot like artwork

You can admire from afar, but don't touch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95isy2/women_are_a_lot_like_artwork/
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What do an airplane and a girl have in common?

A cockpit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95istv/what_do_an_airplane_and_a_girl_have_in_common/
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Do you know the story of the boy named Bonnie?

There once was a boy named Bonnie who was constantly harassed for his goofy name. He thought he was doomed to never find love because of it, but one day, he met a beautiful girl who didn't care, and they fell in love, got married, and had a child, a beautiful baby girl. But Bonnie was worried. "What if I give her a terrible name?" So he let his wife pick the name, and she named the girl Love. Unfortunately, Love was constantly ridiculed for her name, just like Bonnie had been, until she couldn't take it anymore. One day, at 16, after years of humiliation, Love came home with a loaded revolver. Bonnie was the only one home because his wife had gone out for groceries. Love kicked open the front door, revolver raised, and yelled, "Who named me? WHO NAMED ME?" Bonnie loved his wife very much and would do anything to protect her, so he took the blame. "It was me. I named you."
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Love blasted 3 bullets into Bonnie's chest and then ran off. As Bonnie lay there, blood seeping into the carpet, his wife came home. Shocked, she dropped the groceries and held Bonnie as he died. "What happened, Bonnie, oh my god!?" And with his last remaining breath he whispered into her ear:
"Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95irxj/do_you_know_the_story_of_the_boy_named_bonnie/
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I'm sorry I had to do a repost

This fence was killing me all day i just needed to fix it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95imch/im_sorry_i_had_to_do_a_repost/
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How did the trans man come out to his parents?

"Mom, Dad, I've got a couple things I need to get off my chest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ilqu/how_did_the_trans_man_come_out_to_his_parents/
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There are two types of people in the world...

Those who can extrapolate information based upon a given context...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ilca/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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Did you know that French fries weren’t originally made in France?

Apparently they were made in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ijhd/did_you_know_that_french_fries_werent_originally/
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After months of trying, my wife told me she is finally pregnant

Apparently I'm going to be an uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ihy8/after_months_of_trying_my_wife_told_me_she_is/
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Reminiscing on our anniversary

My wife and I just had our 10th anniversary. We had some friends over to celebrate with and they asked us to talk about how we met. On our first 8 dates we just went out to different restaurants, but the next time we got tickets to see the premiere of The Dark Knight.
So I guess we could summarize our dating history as dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ig1v/reminiscing_on_our_anniversary/
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Back when I was in a band I had a roadie that was from Poland

I also had a Czech one too, czech one too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ig0e/back_when_i_was_in_a_band_i_had_a_roadie_that_was/
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Aim for the stars

and even if you miss, you might hit some of their fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ifb9/aim_for_the_stars/
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What do you call two thousand mockingbirds?

2 Kilomockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95iesd/what_do_you_call_two_thousand_mockingbirds/
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A family of gingerbread people lives next door to me. I hate their kids.

The crummy little bastards...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ia0c/a_family_of_gingerbread_people_lives_next_door_to/
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Birthday Surprise

Once there was a young couple who were very much in love. The girl became pregnant and gave birth to their first child. It was a difficult pregnancy and there were complications, and surgery was required. When it was finished and the young woman came out of the recovery room, the surgeon met with the couple. "I have some good news and some bad news," the doctor said. "The good news is that you are the parents of a seven-pound baby. The bad news, I’m afraid, is that there is an abnormality. Your baby is just a head. It was born without a torso."
Well, the young couple was very brave, and they took their baby home, and loved it, and cared for it, and played with it. And on the baby’s twelfth birthday, the doctor called. I have amazing news," he said. "A torso has been found that would be a perfect match for a head. Come in immediately, for it is ready for transplant."
The couple was elated, not only by the news, but that this amazing stroke of fortune should fall on their son’s birthday. They ran to his room. "Son!" the father exclaimed. "We have the best birthday present a boy like you could ever dream of!"
"Oh yeah?" said the lad, looking up from the floor. "Well, it better not be another fucking hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95i7rv/birthday_surprise/
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Overheard on two guys unloading a truck the other day

Guy 1: What's the difference between mortar mix and cement mix?
Guy 2: I dunno what?
Guy 1: I wasnt telling a fucking joke I want to know the difference!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95i5b9/overheard_on_two_guys_unloading_a_truck_the_other/
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Two friends are drinking at a bar

They have been out all night and one of the guys has had a few too many. He tries to take one more shot but can’t handle it. He throws up all over himself and his new shirt that his wife had bought him.
He looks over to his friend and says, “My wife is going to kill me! I’ve gotta get outta here or she’s gonna be more mad.”
Not wanting to leave yet, his friend comes up with a brilliant idea. “Do you have a 10?” His friend pulls out his wallet and says that he does. “Put the ten in your front pocket and tell her that some drunk guy threw up and was so sorry that he gave you that to get your shirt dry cleaned.”
His friend agreed that this would work so they continued drinking at the bar.
When the man gets home it’s well past 3am. He tries to sneak in without waking up his wife, but being as drunk as he is he makes quite a bit of noise. His wife wakes up right before he takes off the shirt. She sees that it is covered in partially cleaned off vomit and gets mad assuming it was his own. The man explains his story. He pulled out the bill and said, “some drunk guy threw up on me and gave me a 10 to get my shirt cleaned. “
His wife wiped the sleep from her eyes and said, “But that’s a 20?!”
The man says, “Well, then he shit in my pants”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95i3hp/two_friends_are_drinking_at_a_bar/
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They Say "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life". Sure enough...

All of these felony convictions are making it awfully hard to get a job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95i1z7/they_say_do_what_you_love_and_youll_never_work_a/
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I failed my math exam because I couldn’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals.

I'M LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95hzcs/i_failed_my_math_exam_because_i_couldnt_remember/
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What did one doctor say to another that was giving himself stitches?

Suture self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95hxob/what_did_one_doctor_say_to_another_that_was/
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Shakespeare - Its better to have loved and lost,

than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95hwpd/shakespeare_its_better_to_have_loved_and_lost/
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The Voodoo Dildo

A man is about to go abroad on a business trip, but he is worried about his wife cheating on her because she is has strong sexual cravings and has been known to be promiscuous in the past.
The man decides to go to an adult store to find her a sex toy to satiate her desires, and finds himself in an old shop run by a Chinese fellow. He explains his problem and the owner tells him he knows exactly what he needs. He brings out a wooden box with some strange engravings on it and explains to the man it is a voodoo dildo. Looking confused the man asks what in the heck a voodoo dildo is. He tells him to just watch and then says,
“Voodoo dildo, the door.”
The dildo flies out of the box and begins to vigorously pound the door knob, causing the door to crack a little. The man, impressed, tells the owner he’ll pay whatever the price is for it. The owner then says,
“Voodoo dildo, the box,”
and it flies back in the box and the man purchases it.
He goes back home and explains to his wife that whenever she misses him to simply open the box and say,
“Voodoo dildo, my pussy,”
and leaves her the box.
He goes on his trip and the wife starts to miss him, and she decides to try it out. She opens the box and says,
“Voodoo dildo, my pussy,”
And just like he said it starts to work it’s magic. After about 3 orgasms in she realizes she doesn’t know how to make it stop! She quickly gets in her car and starts to drive to the hospital as she is being pounded by the voodoo dildo. She has another orgasm and swerves quite a lot, when a cop notices and pulls her over. As soon as he gets to the window she starts to try and explain the voodoo dildo in between exasperated breaths to the cop. The cop replies,
“Voodoo dildo my ass!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95hv9j/the_voodoo_dildo/
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A man walks into a clock shop where a beautiful woman is working.

He walks to the counter unzips his fly and pulls out his cock.  The woman screams "excuse me sir this is a CLOCK SHOP". I know replied the man "I want two hands and a face put on this".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95hv8c/a_man_walks_into_a_clock_shop_where_a_beautiful/
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Tonight I’m going to sleep like a baby!!!

Wake up repeatedly and have to cry myself back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95htyo/tonight_im_going_to_sleep_like_a_baby/
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I wanted to borrow a copy of Oedipus Rex, but the library told me the city had banned it.

"Banned it?" I asked.
The librarian nodded. "Yes, for inappropriate content."
I blurted out "Motherfucker!".
She calmly replied "That's exactly why.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95hthk/i_wanted_to_borrow_a_copy_of_oedipus_rex_but_the/
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How do you turn soup into gold?

Add 24 carrots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95hpik/how_do_you_turn_soup_into_gold/
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Whenever my buddy gets high, he gains a strange ability to speak multiple languages.

He is Rosetta stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ho3l/whenever_my_buddy_gets_high_he_gains_a_strange/
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My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95hnt7/my_boss_arrived_at_work_in_a_brandnew_lamborghini/
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If light travels faster than the speed of sound

Then how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95hnom/if_light_travels_faster_than_the_speed_of_sound/
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What do you call a Viking cat call?

Valholla

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95h92f/what_do_you_call_a_viking_cat_call/
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A man is sitting at the bar....

He is sad and frustrated, bangs the empty glass on the bar and asks for another drink. The guys next to him inquires about his mental state. Guy tells him that he has been single for so long, it hurts. Long time ago, he was late to his dinner date with his fiancee. She was the most charming woman ever. She was a war veteran and had lost her eye in the Vietnam war and wore a glass eye instead. While having dinner, she sneezed hard and her eye flew out. This bastard dude sitting on the nearby table  caught it. They got talking and ended up back at our place, making passionate love. He asked my fiancee if she fucks every dude she meets.  She replied you just happened to catch my eye. It was that very moment I walked in on them and broke off the engagement.
If it hadn't been for caught-an-eye Joe, I'd been married long time ago....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95h8hf/a_man_is_sitting_at_the_bar/
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A man is sitting at the bar looking down and out. Bartender says “what’s wrong with you?” Guy says “life feels like a joke”

And in walks a priest a rabbi, and a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95h0x4/a_man_is_sitting_at_the_bar_looking_down_and_out/
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What is a pirates favourite letter?

You would think that it is "R" but the C is their real calling...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95gxsl/what_is_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
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A Misbehaving Farmboy

One morning, on a farm in rural Kansas, a boy named Henry went into the kitchen. Mama said "Henry!!! You cain't have no breakfast 'til you do yer chores. So, go on, milk the cow, feed them pigs and clean that chicken coop."
So, an angry Henry storms outta the house and milks the cow and slaps her. The cow gets mad and kicks him in the nuts. Then, Henry feeds the pigs and shoves one of them. One pig knocks him down. After that, Henry cleans the crap outta the chicken coop (literally) and kicks one of the hens, then a rooster pecks him on the foot. Henry yells "Eeyow!!! Ah hate bein' a farmboy!!!"
In pain and sweating, a worn-out Henry plops into a chair at the kitchen table, and his mama gives bowl of dry cereal and an empty plate. Henry springs up and asks "Ma! Where's my bacon and eggs? And why didn't ya put milk in my cereal?"
Mama explains "Henry, the reason I ain't gave ya no milk is b'cause you smacked that poor cow, and that's where milk comes from. You don't git no eggs 'cause you kicked that poor chicken, and that's where eggs come from. There ain't no bacon for you 'cause you shoved that poor pig, and that's where bacon comes from."
Suddenly, Papa walks in and kicks the cat. The cat jumps up and scratches Papa's face then scampers away. Henry looks at Mama and says "Ma, Pa just kicked the cat! What ya hafta say 'bout that?
Mama says "That's it! You ain't orderin' no Chinese food!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95gv3n/a_misbehaving_farmboy/
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How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but good luck fitting them in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95gusg/how_many_teenagers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95grt2/what_do_you_call_2000_mockingbirds/
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Remember: YouTube is a private company that can do whatever it wants.

It’s not like it’s a bakery or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95gmf0/remember_youtube_is_a_private_company_that_can_do/
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My doctor recommended to eating Burger King more often.

Well he said I should not have McDonald's anymore, but I know what he meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95gj24/my_doctor_recommended_to_eating_burger_king_more/
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What caused The Black Death?

The police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ggm9/what_caused_the_black_death/
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I made a chart of my past relationships

It had an ex axis and a why axis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ge4f/i_made_a_chart_of_my_past_relationships/
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Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ge0d/why_does_batman_wear_a_mask/
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What's the difference between a piano,glue and a tuna ?

You can tune a piano but you can't piano a tuna
Oh the glue. I knew you'd get stuck on that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95gdnp/whats_the_difference_between_a_pianoglue_and_a/
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Why dont illegal immigrants like their drinks on the rocks?

Because they dont like ICE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95g5l6/why_dont_illegal_immigrants_like_their_drinks_on/
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, the other has a pause at the end of its clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95g3bp/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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What did the mesothelioma patient say to his doctor?

“I’m breathing asbestos I can!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95g2lw/what_did_the_mesothelioma_patient_say_to_his/
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The grim reaper approaches Paddy and says "I'm death"

Paddy says "I'll talk louder then"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95fz5j/the_grim_reaper_approaches_paddy_and_says_im_death/
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At the last gangbang I organized we all ejaculated at the same time...

I must say... came together nicely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95fywq/at_the_last_gangbang_i_organized_we_all/
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Why did the almost blind man fall in the well

Because he couldn’t see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95fvf1/why_did_the_almost_blind_man_fall_in_the_well/
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What did the poor leprechaun say as he ran from the police?

You'll never get me copper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ftu8/what_did_the_poor_leprechaun_say_as_he_ran_from/
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Talking Dog

So an old tramp walks into a bar with his dog. He’s says to the barman ‘if I can make this dog talk will you give me a beer. ‘ the barman replies ‘mate if you can get that dog to talk you’ll be drinking free beer for a week’.  The tramp puts the dog on the bar and everyone gazed at it expectantly....nothing! The barman kicks the tramp and his dog onto the street. The tramp turns to the dog and says ‘why didn’t you talk?’. The dog slightly embarrassed turns back to the tramp and says - ‘well I didn’t know what to say’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ftr5/talking_dog/
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Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95fti2/ancient_egyptians_who_worked_to_preserve_the/
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Donkey joke

Bob’s having a beer in a bar, as you do. Another guy walks in and the barman shouts ‘hey here’s donkey’ and everyone laughs. Bob being a decent bloke goes up to the guy now sitting alone in the corner and asks ‘hey mate why does he call you donkey’. Guy replies ‘I don’t know .....he haw, he haw, he hawlways calls me that.
That’s my first and now probably last post

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95fq84/donkey_joke/
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How many police man does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None they just shoot the room for being dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95fnjs/how_many_police_man_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I saw a movie about a farmer who went out of business

The plot wasn’t very good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95flke/i_saw_a_movie_about_a_farmer_who_went_out_of/
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I Googled "Missing Medieval Servant"

It came back: "Page Not Found"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95fjdm/i_googled_missing_medieval_servant/
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Two blind man are lying on a bed.

One asks another one:
-Hey bro are you jacking off?
The other one replies:
-Yes,why?
The first one says:
-Can you please switch to yourself...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95fgre/two_blind_man_are_lying_on_a_bed/
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How do you throw a party in space?

You planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95fdet/how_do_you_throw_a_party_in_space/
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I filled a steam engine with Holy Water.

The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95fb8a/i_filled_a_steam_engine_with_holy_water/
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Joining the new church

A Newlywed couple decide to join this amazing new church so they meet with the Pastor.
"Pastor" says the Husband "what are the rules of your church?  We want to join."
"Just one" replies the Pastor "We are a deeply devout church and you must abstain from sex with each other for 30 days."
The couple looks at each other skeptically but agree to give it a shot.  2 weeks later they return to the church.
"So how's it going?" says the Pastor.
The couple look at each other coyly before the husband responds "Well the first 3 days were kinda rough.  On day 4 my wife dropped a can of beans and when she bent over, she looked so desirable that I just had to have her."
The pastor shakes his head in disappointment.  "Well I'm afraid you won't be allowed in the church."
The wife speaks up "Yeah, we know...we're also no longer allowed in the grocery store."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95f9de/joining_the_new_church/
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Did you guys hear about the two cellphone towers that got married?

It was a nice ceremony, but the reception was *amazing.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95f3g9/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_two_cellphone_towers/
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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.  One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95f37g/how_many_bureaucrats_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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It's better to ejaculate

Then to ejacunever. Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95f2gm/its_better_to_ejaculate/
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A woman was telling her friend, "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95f24e/a_woman_was_telling_her_friend_it_was_i_who_made/
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Good taste in jokes is like sex.

Most dads don't have it anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ewhv/good_taste_in_jokes_is_like_sex/
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Why did the Jedi kill his master?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95esq6/why_did_the_jedi_kill_his_master/
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A boy asked his father, "Dad, what does gay mean?"

"It means happy son." Replied the father.
Then the boy asked, "Then Dad, are you gay?"
"No son, I am married." the father replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95es6j/a_boy_asked_his_father_dad_what_does_gay_mean/
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I hate tacos

Said no Juan ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95eqk1/i_hate_tacos/
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What do you call a teacher who never farts in public?

A private tutor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ep36/what_do_you_call_a_teacher_who_never_farts_in/
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After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids

We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95eolg/after_a_long_debate_with_my_wife_i_decied_that_we/
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The Lottery

Is a voluntary tax for the mathematically challenged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95enim/the_lottery/
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Never Trust An Indian

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she asked why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "Ugh, me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws involved she decided to interview the chief. Now the chief had a headdress full of feathers, which needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me chief, Me fuck-em-all - big, small, fat, tall - me fuck-em-all." Horrified Ms. Walters stated, "You oughta be hung." The chief replied, "You damn right me hung...big, like buffalo... long, like snake." Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!" The chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style me fuck-em-all." Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear..." The chief said, "No deer...Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high, and fuckers run too fast, no fuck deer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95embu/never_trust_an_indian/
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Scientists have discovered the best way to cure laziness.

Unfortunately nobody has bothered to read the article.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ef9g/scientists_have_discovered_the_best_way_to_cure/
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My grandfather stopped smoking twenty years ago today.

I'll never forget that house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ee4k/my_grandfather_stopped_smoking_twenty_years_ago/
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Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ecy7/two_marijuana_dispensaries_created_a_merger_deal/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95e6gg/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
An amnesiac walks into a bar.

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95e1p7/an_amnesiac_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Mum asked me to take the spider out instead of killing it

We went out for some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to become a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95dw5s/mum_asked_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead_of/
%
What's the opposite of shot?

Scold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95dv7w/whats_the_opposite_of_shot/
%
What did the Scottish man say when he misplaced his drink at a party ?

“Where did my Glasgow? “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95duwm/what_did_the_scottish_man_say_when_he_misplaced/
%
A postman is on his last day of work before retiring

So as he is making his last run, he stops at a house to deliver their mail. An old woman opens the door and invites him for coffee so he has a cup of coffee. At the next house this happens again so he once again drinks a cup of coffee. At the next house a stunning young woman opens the door wearing only her underwear. She asks the postman if he wants a cup of coffee and of course he says yes to the woman, because he is getting old and probably won't get a chance to have coffee with such a beautiful woman any time soon. After coffee the woman asks if he wants to go up to the bedroom, he does so and they have wild sex all night long. When he wakes up in the morning the woman asks if he wants some breakfast. He is very hungry so he decides breakfast isnt a bad idea. While eating breakfast the woman puts a ten dollar bill on the table. The postman then asks what its for. The woman tells him that after hearing that he was about to retire, she asked her husband what they should do for the postman to celebrate his retirement. Then her husband said: "fuck the postman give him ten bucks" and the breakfast was my idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95dusz/a_postman_is_on_his_last_day_of_work_before/
%
Change your WiFi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks for it, you can say 12345678

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95dtis/change_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
%
I saw a robbery going on at the Apple store across the street.

I guess now I’m an iWitness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95dq04/i_saw_a_robbery_going_on_at_the_apple_store/
%
A group of lads go out for a night and then go to a cowboy themed bar.

When they go in they see that the bar has installed a spinning bull. They all have a go and the bull spins them around and they all fall off within 30 seconds.Up steps paddy and he jumps on the bull and he stays on for 10 minutes before falling off . The rest of the lads ask how he managed to stay on for so long and he replies
"my wifes epileptic"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95dnf1/a_group_of_lads_go_out_for_a_night_and_then_go_to/
%
A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95dn7e/a_vegan_said_to_me_people_who_sell_meat_are_gross/
%
I painted my computee black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.
Then I painted my computer white so it would work.
Now the whole system is corrupt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95dk1l/i_painted_my_computee_black_so_it_would_run_faster/
%
A cop was patrolling...

Late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95dgzb/a_cop_was_patrolling/
%
What do you call it when you can’t ejaculate?

Troubleshooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95dgcl/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_cant_ejaculate/
%
A teenager is walking down the street...

He's dressed up in all leather with spikes and studs and has a mohawk dyed like a rainbow. He notices an old man on a porch up ahead staring him down intensely. He just smiles to himself and keeps walking.
As he passes the house, he sees the old man has yet to take his eyes off him. Finally he calls out, "What's the problem, old timer? Never did anything crazy in your day?"
The old man's face goes blank as he processes the question. "Yeah, of course I did," he starts. "I was remembering the time I fucked a parrot and thought you might be my son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95dcmn/a_teenager_is_walking_down_the_street/
%
Have you guys ever heard of this artist Rorschach?

All he does is draw pictures of dicks. Over and over and over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95damv/have_you_guys_ever_heard_of_this_artist_rorschach/
%
“The total cost would be $5000,” said the funeral director, “and that includes digging of the grave.”

Me: Is that the whole thing?
Him: Yes, that’s the hole thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95d918/the_total_cost_would_be_5000_said_the_funeral/
%
I have a spreadsheet wherein I track all the chocolate toffee bars I've eaten.

It's my Heath ledger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95d8j3/i_have_a_spreadsheet_wherein_i_track_all_the/
%
What do you call the formal study of pasta?

Linguinistics.
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95d5qo/what_do_you_call_the_formal_study_of_pasta/
%
The Bear Hunter

One day a hunter took his trusty Winchester to the mountains to hunt for bear. He hid behind a rock that overlooked a beautiful valley and waited.
Soon a brown bear appeared by the stream which ran through the valley. The hunter aimed and fired and killed the bear dead.
Suddenly then there was a tap, tap, tap on his shoulder.
The man turned around and there was a huge black bear, standing 7 feet high, towering over him. The bear said, "you just shot my cousin" To which the Hunter replied, "Yes, I'm afraid I did." "Well," said the Bear, "you have two choices. Either I maul you to death, or you pull down your pants and I have my way with you."
Having no choice in the matter, the Hunter did as he was told.
The Hunter was really angry and vowed to get revenge. 3 months later after he had recovered, he went to the same spot, only this time he brought a huge elephant gun. He saw the black bear appeared at the stream and he fired. And shot him dead.
Tap, tap, tap. Polar bear. "You shot my cousin"
"Why, yes, I'm afraid I did."
"You have two choices. Either you die a bloody death, or you take off your pants and bend over. I'm going to screw you up the ass."
Having no choice the Hunter sighed and did what he was told.
By now the Hunter was really, really angry and resolved that he would have his revenge no matter what. 6 months later, when he was recovered, he brought an M60 and went to the same spot and waited until the Polar bear appeared by the stream. He fired off fifty rounds and shot the Polar bear dead.
Tap, tap, tap. An old Grizzly, with a sad expression on his wise face. "Son, you don't come here for the hunting no more, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95d5d7/the_bear_hunter/
%
I can't undue my mistakes...

All I can do is more mistakes, and hope the original one gets diluted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95d385/i_cant_undue_my_mistakes/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95csyf/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
Ever wondered why Australia is never in front of you?

Because it's out back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95cr5d/ever_wondered_why_australia_is_never_in_front_of/
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My hoooker was a witch

>The madam tell her girls "Just give those guys blow-up dolls. they're so wasted they'll never know the difference"
>
>
After when they're walking home the first guy says, "I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time"
>
>
The second says, "I think mine was a witch"
>
>
First: "Really? Why's that?"
>
>
Second: "Cause when I bit her ass, she farted in my face and then flew out the window"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95cr2b/my_hoooker_was_a_witch/
%
A survey has found that majority of women assign a certain ringtone for their partner.

Men do that too. It's called silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95cpc7/a_survey_has_found_that_majority_of_women_assign/
%
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95chw7/there_is_a_mysterious_crime_spree_going_on_at_our/
%
You hear about the guy who hates negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95chjo/you_hear_about_the_guy_who_hates_negative_numbers/
%
Count Dracula returned a mirror to my shop yesterday

He said it wasn't faulty, he just couldn't see himself using it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95cf73/count_dracula_returned_a_mirror_to_my_shop/
%
A father whale and his son are swimming

when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95cdxe/a_father_whale_and_his_son_are_swimming/
%
Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick: “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95cbpc/mother_how_was_school_today_patrick/
%
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve," says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The  Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an  apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95c6vy/a_briton_a_frenchman_and_a_russian_are_standing/
%
What does a diabetic neckbeard need to survive?

Incelin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bz5u/what_does_a_diabetic_neckbeard_need_to_survive/
%
"Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game.

It's too weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95by9u/fortnite_is_a_terrible_name_for_a_game/
%
Psychology Definitions....

* A psychologist is a person who tells you what everybody knows in a language nobody can understand.
* The superego is that part of the personality soluble in alcohol, or the superego is that small inner voice that     warns us that someone may be looking.
* A neurotic is a person who has discovered the secret of perpetual emotion.
* A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
* A hypochondriac is a person who wants to have his ache and treat it too.
* A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.
* Consciousness is that annoying time between periods of sleep.
* A sadist is a person who does kind things to a masochist.
* The Freudian Virus causes your PC to become obsessed with its own motherboard.
* Guilt feelings are the attempt to express the good intentions you never really had.
* Lysdexia is a peech imspediment we live to learn with.
* A lottery is a tax on people who don't know statistics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bxqu/psychology_definitions/
%
Why can't you tell socialists a joke?

Because not everyone will get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bwmt/why_cant_you_tell_socialists_a_joke/
%
You know how to make your wife scream during sex?

Call her and tell her about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bw6z/you_know_how_to_make_your_wife_scream_during_sex/
%
How many clinical psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but the light bulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95buqi/how_many_clinical_psychologists_does_it_take_to/
%
How many Communists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb contains the seeds of its *own* revolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bu91/how_many_communists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do a dick and a Rubik’s cube have in common?

The more you play with them, the harder they get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bpo0/what_do_a_dick_and_a_rubiks_cube_have_in_common/
%
How do you drown a hipster with no water?

Throw him into the main stream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bobb/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster_with_no_water/
%
As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn’t afford a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bj65/as_a_kid_i_was_made_to_walk_the_plank/
%
Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bisk/red_sky_at_night_shepherds_delight/
%
You can’t lose a homing pigeon

If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bi4o/you_cant_lose_a_homing_pigeon/
%
When I meet a grammar Nazi...

I hold them close and while patting them on the back gently whisper, "There, they're, their."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bhz5/when_i_meet_a_grammar_nazi/
%
Only one in four frogs

is a leap frog...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bhoc/only_one_in_four_frogs/
%
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar...

It was tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bgt4/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
%
How many Feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Like feminists will ever change anything....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bf9s/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
An anus gets into a fight at a bar with two guys.

He rectum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bcq1/an_anus_gets_into_a_fight_at_a_bar_with_two_guys/
%
What's the difference between snowmen and snow-women?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95bale/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
%
Did you hear about the supremely proper way the Englishman greeted the master fisherman from Jaws?

It was ‘ello, Quint!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95b8x8/did_you_hear_about_the_supremely_proper_way_the/
%
What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95b8hp/whats_brown_and_runny/
%
A man tries to rob a bank

Man: "Where is the money!"
Teller:
Man: "Where is the money!"
Teller:
Penn: "He always does this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95b7ee/a_man_tries_to_rob_a_bank/
%
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95b6kp/today_my_son_asked_can_i_have_a_book_mark_and_i/
%
Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.

She asked how warm is it inside. I replied Lukewarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95b62f/was_watching_star_wars_with_my_daughter_she_asked/
%
What do you call an Amish man with his hand buried in a horse's ass?

A mechanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95b4o1/what_do_you_call_an_amish_man_with_his_hand/
%
I love using our theatre’s trapdoor...

...it’s just a stage I’m going through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95b3hr/i_love_using_our_theatres_trapdoor/
%
Why haven't we found aliens yet?

Because they are searching for intelligent life too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95azs2/why_havent_we_found_aliens_yet/
%
I feel sorry for the hypnotist I witnessed last night...

He hypnotised seven pro wrestlers and as he was coming round to hypnotising number eight, he drops the microphone on his foot and yells: "Fuck me!" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ayg7/i_feel_sorry_for_the_hypnotist_i_witnessed_last/
%
A man in a pub asks for a beer

. The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar." "One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?" "Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars." "Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95avxi/a_man_in_a_pub_asks_for_a_beer/
%
What do you call a graduate from culinary school who likes to eat ass?

A colonary expert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95avdw/what_do_you_call_a_graduate_from_culinary_school/
%
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl use the bathroom?

The P is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95avc8/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_use_the_bathroom/
%
Did you hear about the brothel that opened across the street from a golf course?

It too has 36 championship holes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95atpv/did_you_hear_about_the_brothel_that_opened_across/
%
My favorite gift to give is uncertainty

Or is it?
Happy birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95asj0/my_favorite_gift_to_give_is_uncertainty/
%
A monkey walks into a bar

A monkey goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a monkey walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the monkey notices anything."
So he walks back over to the monkey and hands him a dollar change. The monkey doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the monkey, "we don't get too many monkeys in here."
And the monkey says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95amj5/a_monkey_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An old Jewish man is on his deathbed and he calls his wife over to him. "Esther, when we were childhood sweethearts during the war and were captured by the Nazis and put in the concentration camp, you were by my side."

"After the war, when we moved to England, got married and had to work 12 hours a day to pay for a single room, you were by my side."
"Later when my business collapsed and we were again left penniless, you were by my side."
"And now finally, as I prepare to die, you are again by my side."
"I'm beginning to think you're a bit of a jinx!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95akeo/an_old_jewish_man_is_on_his_deathbed_and_he_calls/
%
We all remember Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone...

But no one ever remembers Alexander Graham Kowalczyk, the first telephone pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95aj3p/we_all_remember_alexander_graham_bell_the/
%
Sure, you can borrow my black and white fabric

Just don’t make a habit out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95ac54/sure_you_can_borrow_my_black_and_white_fabric/
%
I wonder if Jesus ever took a really really big poop,

turned around and was like "holy shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95aadb/i_wonder_if_jesus_ever_took_a_really_really_big/
%
What does a Chinese communist revolutionary do after hearing a good joke?

L Mao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95a7ch/what_does_a_chinese_communist_revolutionary_do/
%
Prepare Three Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95a42w/prepare_three_envelopes/
%
A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
"As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral s*x will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran back into the room.
"What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95a3b0/a_woman_was_in_a_coma_she_had_been_in_it_for/
%
(NSFW) A grandfather and his 16 year old grandson are on a fishing trip...

The grandfather opens a beer and starts drinking. The grandson asks the grandfather "can I get a sip of that?" The grandfather then asks "can your dick reach your ass?" "No wtf?" the grandson replies. "I'm sorry but then you're not man enough to have a beer" says the grandfather.
Later that day the grandfather lights up a cigar ands starts puffing away. The grandson asks "can I have a pull?" The grandfather asks again "can your dick reach your ass?" The kid sighs and responds "no". Grandfather laughs and says "well then you can't have any"
The next day they are watching TV in the living room. The grandfather notices that the grandson is eating a bag of chips and asks "can I have some?" The grandson replies "can your dick reach your ass?" The grandfather smiles and says "yes it can" the grandson says "then you can go fuck yourself, these are mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95a0oe/nsfw_a_grandfather_and_his_16_year_old_grandson/
%
One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow black people in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."
Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"
"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 4 minutes down the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/959tro/one_day_usain_bolt_goes_into_a_country_club/
%
Why are programmers no fans of the outdoors?

There are too many bugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/959qza/why_are_programmers_no_fans_of_the_outdoors/
%
Two guys walk into a bar...

They look around, and see that at one table, there's a rabbi, a priest, and an imman. At another there's an Irishman, a Scottsman, and a Brit. At a third there's a blonde, a brunette, and a readhead. Up at the bar, sits a dog with a bandaged paw.
Guy looks to his friend and says, 'What is this, some kind of joke?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/959q58/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I have a 100-piece jigsaw puzzle that's missing three pieces.

The pessimist said, "Three pieces are missing."
The optimist said, "Ninety-seven pieces are here."
EA said, "It's a full puzzle with three DLCs yet to be purchased."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/959mzy/i_have_a_100piece_jigsaw_puzzle_thats_missing/
%
How did the guitarist die?

He crashed his pickup into a bridge and broke his neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/959lhr/how_did_the_guitarist_die/
%
Why did no-one visit the restaurant on the Moon?

It had a bad atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/959jrn/why_did_noone_visit_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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There was once an ambitious prince...

Born the youngest out of 4 brothers.
There was a heated discussion when all four princes were at an appropriate age for being candidates to the throne. But alas, how unfair fate is as our little prince was bested by his brothers.
At an early age he found himself planting seeds of envy as he spectates his older siblings growing closer to their father, or more precisely closer to inheriting the throne.
Despritied by the thought of missing the chance to the throne, he gathered his courage as he boldly steps into the King's Chamber and with a straight face asked the question:
"Father, how may I increase my chances to succeeding you?"
The king ponders at his youngest son's blatant question, but proceeds to respond anyway.
"Really?" said the little prince
"Yes, really" reaffirmed the King.
Content on his Father's response, he swiftly exits the King's Chamber.
...
Several years later we find that the little prince now of appropriate age is entitled to be throned the next king.
The once small, but now proud prince rests in his private quarter along with his personal Knight, awaiting the preparations to the crowning ceremony.
"Congratulations Your Majesty"
"Well Rupert you could just call me Fredrick you know, after all you were one my closest friend"
"Nonsense Your Majesty! A King must befit his actions!"
"Well you're right, which reminds me of the words of my old man; because without him I wouldn't have been given this unique opportunity"
"Well pardon my intrusion Your Majesty but what did the former King say?"
"Nothing complex really, he simply said 'Go ask your Mother first.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/959hko/there_was_once_an_ambitious_prince/
%
What do Missionaries drive?

Convertibles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/959aob/what_do_missionaries_drive/
%
What has four legs and flies?

A dead dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/959520/what_has_four_legs_and_flies/
%
A day at the beach

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/958vh8/a_day_at_the_beach/
%
Statistically,

6 out of 7 Dwarfs aren't Happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/958t1m/statistically/
%
After the war, an italian soldier is decorated for not giving informations to the enemy, while he was captured. When asked how did he managed, he said:

I had my hands tied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/958sss/after_the_war_an_italian_soldier_is_decorated_for/
%
Ever had sex while camping?

It's fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/958qoo/ever_had_sex_while_camping/
%
My mother used to always say, "Give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/958odk/my_mother_used_to_always_say_give_your_food_a/
%
How many lonely guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. But he wishes it took two. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/958ko8/how_many_lonely_guys_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A woman talks to her husband about her yearly physical

The wife told him, "The doctor said that for a forty-year old I have a twenty-year old's breasts!"
The husband replies, "what about your forty-year old ass?"
The wife answers his question by saying, "I don't think you came up at all in our conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/958ipb/a_woman_talks_to_her_husband_about_her_yearly/
%
The more of an expert you are at something, the more trustworthy you are in regards to it.

Unless it's politics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/958giu/the_more_of_an_expert_you_are_at_something_the/
%
Two new members of a hunting lodge were talking to an older member.

They asked him if he had any crazy hunting stories. He said, “Come to think of it, one time I was on safari in Africa when a big lion jumped out at me and went ‘Arrrghhh’ well I just shit my pants.”
The two new members were amazed. One of them said, “wow, I’d shit my pants too if a big lion jumped out at me!”
The old man said, “no not then, just now when I said arrrrghhh.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/958g4e/two_new_members_of_a_hunting_lodge_were_talking/
%
What did the teddy bear say after it finished eating dinner?

I'm stuffed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9586wf/what_did_the_teddy_bear_say_after_it_finished/
%
Why are computers better than girlfriends?

They're the only ones that can accept a 3 inch floppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9586f0/why_are_computers_better_than_girlfriends/
%
A young boy enters a barber shop.

The barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9584vo/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
%
An anagram of "funeral"...

"real fun"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9582mv/an_anagram_of_funeral/
%
What happens if you hump a whale?

They humpback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/957vvn/what_happens_if_you_hump_a_whale/
%
How did the flour and the yeast have a baby?

They bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/957u9x/how_did_the_flour_and_the_yeast_have_a_baby/
%
Why don't kids play fortnite in school?

It's hard to make out where the gunshots are actually coming from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/957u43/why_dont_kids_play_fortnite_in_school/
%
Why isnt there driving lessons and sex ed on the same day in the Middle East?

The goat needed a break.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/957spy/why_isnt_there_driving_lessons_and_sex_ed_on_the/
%
I tried to be a gentleman today and held the door for someone.

Turns out it’s not polite if it’s a revolving door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/957qew/i_tried_to_be_a_gentleman_today_and_held_the_door/
%
A man sneezes on a plane

. He takes his dick out and wipes it non-chalantly before putting it away and goes back to reading his book. His female seatmate notices but doesn't want to say anything
5 minutes later he sneezes once more. Again, he pulls his dick out, wipes it clean and puts it back. He goes back to his book. This time, the woman feels the need to speak up.
"Excuse me, sir" she says angrily. "Can you please stop taking your dick out every time you sneeze? That's disgusting!"
"Oh sorry" the man replies. "I have a condition where every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
"Crickey! What do you take for that?" The woman responds
"Pepper"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/957pdq/a_man_sneezes_on_a_plane/
%
I’ve recently been told I’m condescending

That means I talk down to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/957j4g/ive_recently_been_told_im_condescending/
%
Coming home drunk

Two  married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other  and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home  after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to  the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take  my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get  undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up  and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His  buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong  approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the  steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my  wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound  asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/957b1a/coming_home_drunk/
%
My wife asked me if I like sunrises or sunsets better. I said,

They both have their ups and downs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95759a/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_like_sunrises_or_sunsets/
%
Alexa tell me a marriage joke..

Me: "Alexa tell me a marriage joke"
Alexa: "sorry, something went wrong"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9571f8/alexa_tell_me_a_marriage_joke/
%
What does a mute dog and a dead tree have in common?

There’s no bark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/957157/what_does_a_mute_dog_and_a_dead_tree_have_in/
%
Your momma’s so fat

she gave her memory foam mattress brain damage....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/956z1e/your_mommas_so_fat/
%
What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/956sr7/what_do_you_call_a_snobby_criminal_walking_down/
%
Dear Tech Support

, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command "! http:I\_Thought\_You\_Loved\_Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 barely run due to lack of space. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, Troubled User
Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 was designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes\_Dear 2.6" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nagging 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!  WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system! Best of luck, Tech Support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/956sgd/dear_tech_support/
%
It takes up to 5 minutes for Chloroform to work

And it takes additional applications for the desired outcome.
......talk about an awkward evening

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/956r7m/it_takes_up_to_5_minutes_for_chloroform_to_work/
%
So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.
A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It stops on a dime."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/956qz7/so_a_man_one_day_gains_the_ability_to_make_a_car/
%
Customer: Can I try on that dress in the window?

Saleslady: We really prefer you do so in the dressing room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/956lyr/customer_can_i_try_on_that_dress_in_the_window/
%
What does she know about engines anyway

Wife: "There's trouble with the car, sweetheart. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I'm telling you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the lake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/956l87/what_does_she_know_about_engines_anyway/
%
I have a logic fetish.

I'm always coming to conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/956fw8/i_have_a_logic_fetish/
%
Who killed Abraham Lincoln?

The local Sheriff was looking for a new deputy.
When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her, "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven", she replies.
The Sheriff thinks to himself, "Thats not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"
"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.
"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.
The Sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.
"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her. The blonde looks a little surprised.
She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/956efd/who_killed_abraham_lincoln/
%
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/956675/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95628w/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_birth_control_and_lsd/
%
Why can't clerks at the grocery store pick which cashier they work with?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9560sw/why_cant_clerks_at_the_grocery_store_pick_which/
%
What's Worse Than Finding A Worm In Your Apple?

The Holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/955yeh/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
Thanks to online schools...

Education is reducing gun violence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/955xgy/thanks_to_online_schools/
%
Businessman in Japan

So an American businessman had a trip to Japan where he was to have a meeting with Japanese company CEO.
So when he arrived to Tokyo, he decided to hire a local prostitute to blow some steam off the night before the meeting. As they were doing it, he noticed she constantly screamed ''Machigatta ana!''. He thought to himself, hm i know nothing of Japanese but this must mean some kind of expression for feeling good or something, like ''oh yes, great!''. May be useful.
Next day, he and the Japanese CEO are spending some time playing Golf before the meeting. Japanese CEO hits a really great shot with ball entering the hole directly. So a businessman decides to put his new knowledge of Japanese to use, and yells ''Machigatta ana!"' while applauding.
Japanese CEO turns around, looks at him confused and says  - ''what do you mean ' wrong hole'?''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/955sd3/businessman_in_japan/
%
After suffering a stroke, a man was dragged into hospital by an ambulance

On the way to his ward, he passed a room where a man was vigorously jacking off; he asked the nurse "what's he doing?".
The nurse replied" he has a condition where he gets severe pain if he does not masturbate every 15 minutes"
"Oh, my bad."
Later they walk through a different room where a nurse was seen giving a man fellacio.
"Okay, now how the fuck do you explain **that**?"
The nurse shrugs: "eh, same condition ,  better healthcare"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/955qvr/after_suffering_a_stroke_a_man_was_dragged_into/
%
I was packing my luggage with German sausage, when my wife told me, "Don't overfill it. Last time it exploded in the airport and you caused a scene".

"Dont be silly", I said, "you're always thinking of the wurst case scenario".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/955q5r/i_was_packing_my_luggage_with_german_sausage_when/
%
How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/955opj/how_many_grammar_nazis_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A Lonely Man Walks In To A Bar...

...and spends most of the night dancing on his own.
Towards the end of the night he see's an amazing , beautiful Chinese girl dancing not far away from him.
She moves over to where he is standing and smiles, then starts dancing with him.
At the end of the night she invites him back to her flat. She is stunning, he cannot believe his luck, so he accepts and they head out.
Once they get home she tells him she is going to slip in to something more comfortable and to make himself a drink.
She re-appears five minutes later in an amazing set of black lingerie, glides up to him and whispers in his ear;
'We can do anything you want. What would you like to try?'
He can't believe his luck and says;
'I have always wanted to try a sixty-nine'
And the Chinese girl replies;
'Fuck off I'm not cooking'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/955lp1/a_lonely_man_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
"Donner, party of 3!" yelled the waitress.

"Wow took you long enough! We're down to 2 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/955kra/donner_party_of_3_yelled_the_waitress/
%
what do you call a chameleon who cant change his colours anymore?

Areptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/955hze/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_who_cant_change_his/
%
A man summons his nurse in the recovery room

He pulls her close and asks “Are my testicles black?”
The nurse, is somewhat taken aback but lifts the bedsheets to check, moves some stuff around and says “No.”
A while later the nurse comes back in and is again asked “can you please check and see if my testicles are black?”
Again the nurse lifts the bedsheets and fumbles around a bid and reports that they are just fine and not to worry.
The man pulls her closer, clears his throat and repeats  slowly “I said please check and see if my test results are back!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/955fs4/a_man_summons_his_nurse_in_the_recovery_room/
%
How do you stump an archaeologist

Show him a used tampon and ask what period it's from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/955f6p/how_do_you_stump_an_archaeologist/
%
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/955ebt/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
What is the biggest City in the world?

Dublin because it always Dublin and Dublin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9555ug/what_is_the_biggest_city_in_the_world/
%
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna One, Anna Two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9553mz/what_did_the_drummer_call_his_twin_daughters/
%
I was very naive sexually.

My first girlfriend asked me to do missionary and I send her off to Africa for six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95523i/i_was_very_naive_sexually/
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My First Time Having Sex Was Like My First High School Football Game...

I was bloody and sore by the end of it, but hey, at least my Dad came!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9551jb/my_first_time_having_sex_was_like_my_first_high/
%
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9550pk/did_you_hear_about_the_semicolon_that_broke_the/
%
If you're an astronaut..

And don't end every relationship with "I need space" then you're just wasting your time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/954zw9/if_youre_an_astronaut/
%
Doctor walks into hospital room..

Old man is sitting on the bed.
Doctor: I've got two pieces of bad news for you.
Old man: what is it doc?
Doctor: Well you got cancer..
Old man: That's terrible.. what's the other news?
Doctor: .. you have Alzheimer's too..
Old man: Fuck.. well at least I don't have cancer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/954ubj/doctor_walks_into_hospital_room/
%
Have you ever heard of the Australian Kiss?

It's like a French kiss, but from down under

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/954rmq/have_you_ever_heard_of_the_australian_kiss/
%
Three Black Women are in an Airport

Three black women are in an airport, discussing back and forth about their flight from Newark to London, and the difficulties therein. Finally, they come around to what happens if the plane crashes.
The first woman says "If we go down, I'ma make sure I'm wearing hot pink panties."
The other two blink and look at her. "Hot pink panties! Why you going to wear those?"
She says "Cause if that plane crashes, and I'm floating butt up in the ocean, they gonna find me first!"
The other two nod with the sage wisdom their friend just bestowed upon them. Then the second one chimes in.
"If we go down, I'ma make sure I'm wearing neon green panties."
The other two blink and look at her. "Neon green panties! Why you going to wear those?"
She says "Cause if that plane crashes, and I'm floating butt up in the ocean, they gonna find me first!"
The other two nod with the sage wisdom their friend just bestowed upon them. The last woman thinks long and hard, looking back and forth between her friends before announcing her choice of undergarment.
"If we go down, I'm not going to be wearing no panties!"
The two women look aghast at her. "No panties! Why would you do that?!"
She responds, "Cause if we crash and I'm floating butt up in the ocean, you know they looking for that black box first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/954rgt/three_black_women_are_in_an_airport/
%
I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk

but I never got the chants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/954p0s/i_always_wanted_to_be_a_gregorian_monk/
%
Whoever invented wheel,...

... started a revolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/954m1a/whoever_invented_wheel/
%
Did you see the new Avengers movie?

It was over in a snap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/954h21/did_you_see_the_new_avengers_movie/
%
I had a great joke about boomerangs that I wanted to share but I can't remember all of it.

It'll come back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/954bwt/i_had_a_great_joke_about_boomerangs_that_i_wanted/
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The guy who invented the hokey-cokey/hokey- pokey died last week :-(

Apparently they had a bit of a job getting him in his coffin.
First they put his left leg in...........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/954bqf/the_guy_who_invented_the_hokeycokeyhokey_pokey/
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Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.
"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crystal" said Frodo.
"That's it!", said Gandalf. "I'm opening up a rehabilitation center. When I come back in a year, this had better be cleaned up!"
A year passes and Gandalf returns. Alas, the hobbits are strewn about with their spoons and needles.
Gandalf scoffs, "Breaking Bad hobbits is going to be harder than I thought."
This is my first joke I have ever written down. I would like to apologise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/954b04/gandalf_decided_to_go_to_the_shire_and_to_his/
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There was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted was to see."

His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest,your prayers will be answered."
So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep.
He wakes up half way through the night and realises that the night isn't over, so he prays another hour before he falls asleep again.
He finally wakes up the next  morning and yells, "Mom, Mom, get in here fast!"
His mom comes running in and says, "What is it son?"
The boy says, "Mom I did just what you said I prayed and prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this morning and I'm still blind!"
And his mom says....... "I know, - April Fools!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/954alk/there_was_this_little_9_year_old_blind_kid_and/
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What do you call a white person with Asian heritage?

Disoriented.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/954a1n/what_do_you_call_a_white_person_with_asian/
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Did you hear about the ranger?

Once, there was a ranger who took care of the local parkland. Everybody liked the guy, and he was dedicated to his job - stopping people from shooting the deer in the park, maintaining fences and gates, that kind of thing. He was really good at it, too. During the time the ranger served there, no animals were shot, the fence only broke once, and the tourists didn't get lost.
One day, though, the city that hosted the parkland decided to turn it into a business district, as it was right in the center of the city and there was more parkland farther out from the center anyway.
This decision mentally crushed the ranger, and he went completely crazy and had to be sent to a mental hospital. This was an unexpected turn of events. Everyone who knew him personally thought he was the most mentally stable person they had ever met, and were completely surprised to suddenly get a notice from the mental hospital asking them if they had any other experiences where he went crazy before. They denied it until they went to see the ranger freaking out, at which point they realized that he might not be the best person to look up to anymore. The ranger's wife told their kids that "he will be back soon, don't worry."
Doctors tried to cure him, both with mental health drugs and therapy, as his situation was unique - he had no prior history of mental injury, and neither did his family tree have any crazies in it. Scans of the brain he had showed no activity out of the ordinary, and all the chemical balances in his brain and body were the same as a healthy human. Therefore, the doctors assumed that this would be an easy cure.
Yet none of the cures worked. Day by day, he would take different chemicals, see different therapists, perform different exercises, yet none of them did any substantial good. His mental condition had gotten more stable, and he only freaked out twice per day, but the freakouts were bad enough to keep him in the crazy house.
One day, a doctor overheard him muttering about his park in his sleep, and decided to try something that seemed inevitable to fail. The nearest protected parkland had plenty of job opportunities for a ranger like him, and the doctor decided to make the guy apply to the job opening.
Surprisingly enough, he got accepted in; and after his first day at the park, he returned back to the hospital and went to sleep. He hadn't suffered a freakout the entire day.
This happened on all the working days of the week. His mental health was completely stable, and the doctor was surprised that even worked, as it was a long shot that shouldn't have paid off.
When it got to the weekend, the nurses waited anxiously for another freakout. He didn't have any. By the end of the month, no freakouts had occurred. The staff at the mental hospital decided to let him go out into the world, and told the ranger's wife to alert them if he had another freakout.
No alerts came. He had been completely cured.
After a year had passed since he left the mental hospital, the ranger's family decided to thank the doctor personally. They walked into his office carrying a gift of cake, and while he talked to them, the ranger's wife asked a question.
"How did you know how to solve his mental issues?"
The doctor replied, "It was nothing special really. He was just deranged."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95414q/did_you_hear_about_the_ranger/
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What type of oil do orcs use in their machinery?

Mordor Oil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9540ac/what_type_of_oil_do_orcs_use_in_their_machinery/
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Tell me John

Teacher: Tell me John, if you have 3 ducks and someone shoot one of them, how many ducks you have now?
John: I got one, because the other two flew away
Teacher: Incorrect, you have two, but i like the way you think
John: Tell me teacher, if three girls are eating ice cream, one is biting it, other one is licking it and the last one is sucking on it, which one is marry?
Teacher: Well i guess that the one is sucking on it
John: Incorrect, the one with the ring, but i like the way you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95409u/tell_me_john/
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What does Dr. Pepper have his PhD in?

Theoretical fizz-ics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/953qsh/what_does_dr_pepper_have_his_phd_in/
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A man was spotted naked walking through town...

The police showed up and began to question him.
“Sir, why are you walking through town naked like that?!”
He replies
“Well I was at the beach with my wife.”
“Alright... continue” the other officer says
He then says
“She asked me if I wanted to get naked and go to town, and I said OK!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/953j7a/a_man_was_spotted_naked_walking_through_town/
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Here's a very shitty joke i made up

There was once a Sith lord
He ambushed the rebels but he ran as soon as he saw his uncle
It was Kylo
Kylo ran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/953j6t/heres_a_very_shitty_joke_i_made_up/
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What's the difference between a German and a Scot?

The German knows when he's not speaking English.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/953bk0/whats_the_difference_between_a_german_and_a_scot/
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Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9539ob/cooking_with_french_ingredients_always_makes_me/
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Tried Wookiee meat the other day

it was Chewie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9534w4/tried_wookiee_meat_the_other_day/
%
I have a job as a gym instructor.

But it isn't working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9534fx/i_have_a_job_as_a_gym_instructor/
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How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask him to pronounce "unionized"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9533og/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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An Auburn fan walks into a bar

and sees a group of pretty ladies. He walks up and asks, “where do yew ladies go to school”. The women reply, “Yale”. The Auburn fan then says, “WHERE DO YOU LADIES GO TO SCHOOL!!!”...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9532wc/an_auburn_fan_walks_into_a_bar/
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My boss showed up to work in a brand new Ferrari

He told me, "if you work hard, put in all your hours, and never give up; next year I'll get another one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9531a2/my_boss_showed_up_to_work_in_a_brand_new_ferrari/
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I'm like a jumbo kosher pickle

Guess you could say I'm a pretty big dill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9530ap/im_like_a_jumbo_kosher_pickle/
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[Long] Two engineers are walking across campus

Two engineering students are walking across campus when one says "Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second engineer replies, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/953082/long_two_engineers_are_walking_across_campus/
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A woman wakes up in hospital after having a vaginal tuck. There are three bunches of flowers beside her bed.

One from her surgeon saying "all went well".
The second from her husband saying " I love you, get well soon".
The third was from Tommy in the burns ward saying "Thanks for the new ears”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/952zfi/a_woman_wakes_up_in_hospital_after_having_a/
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How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they prefer to sit in the dark and blame liberals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/952yxo/how_many_republicans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Did you hear the story about the bad egg?

He ran down the street with his yoke hanging out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/952wbk/did_you_hear_the_story_about_the_bad_egg/
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What does a seagull call their significant other?

Bagel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/952h95/what_does_a_seagull_call_their_significant_other/
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What's the first thing a homeless person does when he uses a computer?

Checks recycle bin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/952gtz/whats_the_first_thing_a_homeless_person_does_when/
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A mime broke his left hand in a bar fight and was arrested.

He still has the right to remain silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/952e7y/a_mime_broke_his_left_hand_in_a_bar_fight_and_was/
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What is the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/952cqk/what_is_the_difference_between_a_picture_of_jesus/
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Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest
"Father, please come with me . Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery"
They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: "What about the two at the gate?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/952bzy/two_little_boys_stole_a_big_bag_of_oranges_from_a/
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women...

For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/952but/dolls_have_given_us_an_unrealistic_image_of_women/
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Husband: Grab some updog on your way home hon..

Wife: for the last time Greg, the kids and I are never coming back. Stop calling us, please...
Husband: not much, what's up with you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95290l/husband_grab_some_updog_on_your_way_home_hon/
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2 guys are sitting in a plane

The food comes and one of them gets up to go to the bathroom. When he comes back he finds his food was eaten so he asks his friend why he ate it. He responds with "honestly I thought you left"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9526sw/2_guys_are_sitting_in_a_plane/
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If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 ball

You can see the future. My brother did and immediately looked at me, said he was going to die, and then he died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9523lf/if_you_drink_the_liquid_from_a_magic_8_ball/
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Dear confederate flag supporters, you may lose the battle but

You haven’t lost the wa-Oh wait....wow that’s awkward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9523ao/dear_confederate_flag_supporters_you_may_lose_the/
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Cheese Sandwich

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/951y1q/cheese_sandwich/
%
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/951wra/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole_i/
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I can count the number of times I've been caught shoplifting on one hand.

Which is just as well, as I live in Saudi Arabia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/951waa/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_caught/
%
10 facts about diarrhoea

Number 2 will surprise you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/951vdu/10_facts_about_diarrhoea/
%
Yesterday at the zoo I saw a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/951q93/yesterday_at_the_zoo_i_saw_a_baguette_in_a_cage/
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A guy tries to sell his first painting ever...

So he goes to an art dealer to show it to him.
"What is it titled?" - the dealer asks.
"Me at the bar, drinking."
"But all I see is two nude bodies. Who are they?"
"My neighbor and my wife, f\*cking"
"And where are you?"
"At the bar, drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/951plq/a_guy_tries_to_sell_his_first_painting_ever/
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What's the difference between a epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits and the other...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/951nvh/whats_the_difference_between_a_epileptic_corn/
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How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. That's maintenance's job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/951frq/how_many_engineers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I knew a guy who married a tree...

My neighbor fell in love with this oak tree on his property. He ended up having a wedding ceremony and everything (don't ask how he consummated it...). All things considered it was one of the most stable marriages I had ever seen, lasting nearly 20 years. Then a lightning strike split the tree in half, killing it dead. My neighbor was distraught and would spend hours outside at the dead trunk just weeping for his lost love.
Now my son wasn't around when the oak tree was alive so he grew up just seeing this neighbor walk outside every day and just cry at the foot of a dead tree. Finally one day he asked me "Daddy, what's wrong with that man?"
I looked at him and said "Son, if you stroke your oak too much you'll be forever cursed with mourning wood."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/951fg6/i_knew_a_guy_who_married_a_tree/
%
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading..

.. when the wife looks over at him and asks the following question...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?”
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?”
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/951d1o/a_husband_and_wife_are_sitting_quietly_in_bed/
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A British man arrives in Australia

Customs agent asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man responds "no, why, is it still necessary?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/951bfi/a_british_man_arrives_in_australia/
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The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/951b5f/the_friars_were_behind_on_their_belfry_payments/
%
Can't escape Dad jokes when you're a Dad...

Son (in crowded store): "Hey Dad, do you know where Mom went?"
Me: (knowing Mom can hear around the corner) "Just ask some people where the most beautiful woman in the store is..."
Mom: (snort-laughs from around the corner)
Me: "...and see if she has seen your Mom."
Mom: (silence)
Mom: "Can't lie...that was a good one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/951att/cant_escape_dad_jokes_when_youre_a_dad/
%
Last Halloween, Schwarzenegger, while carrying a piano over his shoulders, throws me an organ.

"What's this for?" I say.
He replies, "I'll be Bach.
And you be Beethoven."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9517zd/last_halloween_schwarzenegger_while_carrying_a/
%
It was obvious that Communism would fail.

There were just so many red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9516cx/it_was_obvious_that_communism_would_fail/
%
How many horny perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes the entire ER staff to get it out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9515uv/how_many_horny_perverts_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

They don’t. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9514wz/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'
Sending a written message, the captain replied:
'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.
One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'
Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'
'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9512r1/a_us_navy_cruiser_anchored_in_mississippi_for_a/
%
A mother takes her son to a shoe store on his 8th birthday.

Pointing to a pair, she asks,
"How much are these?"
"$10!" says the young salesman, "They're on sale."
"I'll give you $7," she replies.
Needing to fill the weekly quota,
he counters, "$9 and I'll even throw in wheels that attach to the soles."
"No deal!" and the mother quickly heads toward the exit with her son.
In a panic, he yells "Oh Com'on...Cheap skates!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9512jr/a_mother_takes_her_son_to_a_shoe_store_on_his_8th/
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If it's hard to come up with a joke...

Yew can always resort to tree puns; I hear they're pretty poplar these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/951106/if_its_hard_to_come_up_with_a_joke/
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I slapped Dwayne Johnson’s ass.

I then realized I had hit the rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950xnm/i_slapped_dwayne_johnsons_ass/
%
A guy goes to his butcher

He asked for sliced ham. The butcher takes his block of ham, put on the machine and start cutting some slices. He cuts 1 slice, 2 slices, 3 slices and looks at the customer:
“Should I stop or do you want me to go on?”
“Go on, go on!”
I cuts 5 mores slices and look at the customer again:
“Go on, keep on cutting some slices”.
The butcher continue his work and after a long time and 11 more slices the customer says:
“Stop! That’s the one I want.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950xaf/a_guy_goes_to_his_butcher/
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Black Guy Gets Pulled Over By a Cop

\*Black guys runs a red light & gets pulled over by a cop.\*
Cop: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"
Black Guy: "Because I'm a young, black man?"
Cop: "No sir, I don't see color."
Black Guy: "Then why did you pull me over?"
Cop: "Because you ran that red light back there."
Black Guy: "Sorry officer, I didn't know -- I don't see color."
Heard this at a comedy club this past weekend, forgot the guy's name to give him credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950v1g/black_guy_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
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To Do is to Be

-Socrates
To Be is to Do
-Plato
Do Be Do Be Do
-Sinatra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950tff/to_do_is_to_be/
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My wife isn't speaking to me anymore because apparently I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did it.

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950r23/my_wife_isnt_speaking_to_me_anymore_because/
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My best friend is a full-time professional sleep walker.

He's living the dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950qrm/my_best_friend_is_a_fulltime_professional_sleep/
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I gave my crush a glass of lemonade yesterday, and she seemed to instantly fall in love with me.

I think I schwepped her right off her feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950qhj/i_gave_my_crush_a_glass_of_lemonade_yesterday_and/
%
What is a Soviet pirate's favorite ship?

The USS Arr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950q2f/what_is_a_soviet_pirates_favorite_ship/
%
Usually when I get naked

The shower gets turned on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950lu5/usually_when_i_get_naked/
%
A guy walks into a bar with his dog...

They sit at the counter, and the guy calls the bartender over.
"I'll bet you a beer that my dog can talk."
"Sure bud, whatever you say."
The guy turns to his dog, "What's the opposite of smooth?"
"RUFF!" Barks the dog.
The bartender chuckles a bit, "Okay, that's pretty good. Here ya go."
The guy drinks his beer, then calls the bartender back over.
"I'll betcha another beer that he can answer another question."
Unsure, the bartender eventually agrees.
"What's on top of a house?" Asks the man.
"ROOF!" barks the dog.
"Haha, ok. You got me again," says the bartender, and slides the man another beer.
The man drinks his second beer, and then calls the bartender back over.
"How about another? Dog! Who's the greatest baseball player ever?"
"RUTH!" The dog answers.
"Alright, I've had enough! Get out! Both of you get out!"
The man and the dog sulk out the door and down the sidewalk. After a few seconds, the dog says, "I *knew* I should've said DiMaggio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950j5v/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_dog/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950i7e/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
My girlfriend started complaining that I was cheating on her.

I told her she started to sound like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950hzb/my_girlfriend_started_complaining_that_i_was/
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What do you call a herd of sheep tumbling down a mountain?

A lambslide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950hhu/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_sheep_tumbling_down_a/
%
A korean couldn't find his coin, so basically ...

a korean lost a korean won

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950ghc/a_korean_couldnt_find_his_coin_so_basically/
%
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost.

She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950fgf/a_woman_in_a_hot_air_balloon_realizes_she_is_lost/
%
Dad I'm cold!

Son: Dad I'm cold
Dad: Go stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950dov/dad_im_cold/
%
Despite what people think, it's not all doom and gloom being a morgue attendant.

This morning I had a right little Chuckle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950aiu/despite_what_people_think_its_not_all_doom_and/
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I watched a documentary on marijuana last night

It was amazing. I'm going to start watching everything that way!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950ahl/i_watched_a_documentary_on_marijuana_last_night/
%
What do Iron Man and Katie Price have in common?

They have both had a Downey Junior Inside of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/950904/what_do_iron_man_and_katie_price_have_in_common/
%
A grandma is bragging to her daughter about new hearing aid that cost her $2000

The daughter asks "What kind is it?"
"It's 5:45 dear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9506kw/a_grandma_is_bragging_to_her_daughter_about_new/
%
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9505y3/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
%
Why cats aren't playing poker in africa?

There are too many cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/95059x/why_cats_arent_playing_poker_in_africa/
%
How many ants does it take to fill a apartment?

10 ants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9504ua/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_fill_a_apartment/
%
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9501x1/after_god_created_24_hours_of_alternating/
%
The swedish man and the danish man

A swedish man and a danish man are stuck on a forgotten island and one day a group of cannibals walks up to them and says
”We are gonna eat you!”
”Unless you can gather together 100 fruits at the same time.”
And so the scandinavian men does.
1 hour later the swedish man returns with 100 grapes. And the cannibals wretsles him down to the ground and starts to shove the grapes 1 after 1 up his ass. At the 99th grape the swede breaks into laughter. And the cannibals asks:
”Why are you laughing? We are torturing you!”
And the swede replies:
“That danish fuck is hoarding coconuts!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94zid2/the_swedish_man_and_the_danish_man/
%
I always wondered what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...

I asked my 19 brothers and sisters and they don't know either...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94zf62/i_always_wondered_what_my_parents_did_to_fight/
%
A boss tells a blonde applicant

, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?" "In three months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94zcse/a_boss_tells_a_blonde_applicant/
%
What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94z8on/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
Why can't you win an argument with a pencil?

Because the pencil has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94z372/why_cant_you_win_an_argument_with_a_pencil/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping down the road?

His mother woke him up for lunch.
Source (Told to me 30 yrs ago by an old farmer on my paper route.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94z240/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_down_the_road/
%
Do you want to hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94yx3o/do_you_want_to_hear_a_construction_joke/
%
Doctor said that there was good news and bad news.

The bad news is, I have a terminal disease. The good news is I have a disease named after me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94yw6g/doctor_said_that_there_was_good_news_and_bad_news/
%
A man was out golfing

He shanked his ball off the tee,
When he found it, it was sitting in a patch of butter cups.
He lines up to take a swing and hears "don't hit the buttercups" he looks around but see nothing
Sets up for another swing " don't hit the buttercups"  looks around, he see no one.
He is about to take another swing when he looks  down and sees a fairy on his ball " don't hit the buttercups and I'll give you all the butter you could ever want"
The man replies " where the fuck were you when I was in the pussy willows"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ys7e/a_man_was_out_golfing/
%
Hey girl, I think this relationship is like a fat dude

Because it just won't work out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94yr2d/hey_girl_i_think_this_relationship_is_like_a_fat/
%
What’s a horse’s primary concern when voting?

A stable economy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94yqvv/whats_a_horses_primary_concern_when_voting/
%
I got a phone call from some helpful people who wanted me to know a few things...

But what I'd like to know is who put Prince Albert in a can and why is my refrigerator running?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ypuo/i_got_a_phone_call_from_some_helpful_people_who/
%
Why did the blind kid fall in the well?

He didn’t see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94yp15/why_did_the_blind_kid_fall_in_the_well/
%
A man is hospitalized

He is stable. While not entirely bed ridden, he cannot move far without assistance. He feels a sudden urge in his bowels. He hits the call button to get assistance to go to the commode. Alas, he is unable to void. Several more times, he has the same sensation, summons the nurse, and again and again it's a false alarm. He decides not to hit the alarm anymore. Well, one of his sensations bears true, and he blows out a massive bowel movement into his bed sheets. Horrified, he decides to discard the evidence rather than call for assistance. He manages to gather the sheets (and the shits) into a ball. With great effort, he moves to the window and defenestrates the evidence.
At that very moment, a drunkard is corralling down the street. The sheets fall on him, and he engages in a fit of flailing limbs to free himself from this unexpected assailant. A police officer happens upon him, and as he finishes gesticulating, the officer asks him what happened. The drunk replies, "I'm not sure, but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94yn44/a_man_is_hospitalized/
%
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve.

They feel a slight precipitation. “I think it’s raining,” says the man. “No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman. “How about we ask the Communist officer here?” says the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?” “Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking away. The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94yh02/a_couple_is_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
%
Trump and Obama walk into the same barbershop...

Donald Trump and Barack Obama walk into the same barbershop. Neither spoke a word as their barbers did their thing. Not even the barbers would speak, out of fear of starting a political discussion. As they finished, Trump's barber reached for the aftershave.
Quickly stopped by Trump, "No way, buddy! If Melania smells that, she'll think I've been in a damn whorehouse!"
Obama's barber asked if he'd like the aftershave, him replying "Yeah alright, Michelle doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ygzm/trump_and_obama_walk_into_the_same_barbershop/
%
What she gave you?

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94yfxx/what_she_gave_you/
%
A clown at the circus gave me some free popcorn.

That was a very kind jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94y7un/a_clown_at_the_circus_gave_me_some_free_popcorn/
%
Watson: what is another name for the digestive tract?

Holmes:  Alimentary, my dear Watson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94y4am/watson_what_is_another_name_for_the_digestive/
%
A necrophilic man is trapped in a room with zombies.

The genie pats himself on the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94xwhm/a_necrophilic_man_is_trapped_in_a_room_with/
%
Moose hunters never learn . . .

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6.  As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94xw6n/moose_hunters_never_learn/
%
Why is an Ambulance slow?

Because its a Patient Transport

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94xpjt/why_is_an_ambulance_slow/
%
Gratuitous

What did the leper say to the hooker??
"Keep the tip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94xl5c/gratuitous/
%
And the lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94xjom/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
%
A husband comes home to his wife

with a duck in his hands and says "This is the pig I've been fucking"
The wife says "That's not a pig that's a duck"
The husband says "I wasn't talking to you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94xhwb/a_husband_comes_home_to_his_wife/
%
Where do mansplainers get their water?

From a well, actually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94xfd6/where_do_mansplainers_get_their_water/
%
Two mexicans walk into a haunted forest...

...Only Juan comes out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94xcc6/two_mexicans_walk_into_a_haunted_forest/
%
What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog?

One is assaulting with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94xc08/what_is_the_difference_between_stabbing_a_man_and/
%
I called the Premature Ejaculation Clinic and asked if I needed to make an appointment.

They said I could come at any time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94xa5h/i_called_the_premature_ejaculation_clinic_and/
%
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94x8od/the_irs_decides_to_audit_grandpa_and_summons_him/
%
If a bearded man makes vases...

Is he a hairy potter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94x8ac/if_a_bearded_man_makes_vases/
%
Two prisoners are on death row

And the day of their execution has come.
The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"
"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.
The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.
"Kill me first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94x7uj/two_prisoners_are_on_death_row/
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California is looking to eradicate a once popular item.

Apparently it was the last straw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94x2f7/california_is_looking_to_eradicate_a_once_popular/
%
The lord moves in mysterious ways - but you don't have to.

Please use your blinker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94x1e3/the_lord_moves_in_mysterious_ways_but_you_dont/
%
dark humor is like food

kids shouldn't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94wug9/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
He arrives mysteriously. He helps others, performs miracles, gets betrayed, and finally ascends into the heavens.

E.T.  was a great movie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94wucr/he_arrives_mysteriously_he_helps_others_performs/
%
When it comes to the ladies, I'm a regular Don Juan ...

... the ladies Don Juan anything to do with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94wl2d/when_it_comes_to_the_ladies_im_a_regular_don_juan/
%
What happens to a house on a full moon?

It becomes a warehouse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94wjof/what_happens_to_a_house_on_a_full_moon/
%
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.

"Five beers, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94wi4r/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_holds_up_two_fingers/
%
An 85 year old woman was mourning her husband's death.

She decided to commit suicide.
So she thinks about it, wondering "how do you kill an 85 year old woman?", and she comes to the conclusion that she would shoot herself with her husband's gun.
She pondered,"where would you shoot an 85 year old woman?" And she realized, "in the heart".
So, not being very educated, she calls her doctor asking where an 85 year old woman's heart is located. He said,"behind the left breast"
The next day, the woman calls her son from the hospital, where she was recovering from a bullet in her left knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94whui/an_85_year_old_woman_was_mourning_her_husbands/
%
A man walks into a sperm bank.

He puts an empty glass on an employee’s desk.
Man: Thanks for the glass of milk
Employee: What glass of milk?
Man: The one that was on your desk.
Employee: Oh my god!
Man: What?
Employee: You drank MY glass of milk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94whok/a_man_walks_into_a_sperm_bank/
%
What’s better than a rose on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94wgzk/whats_better_than_a_rose_on_a_piano/
%
Being the first to move in chess...

Is white privilege.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94w9io/being_the_first_to_move_in_chess/
%
A guy moves to rural Idaho...

The day he finally gets all moved in, he decides to go down the road to meet his neighbor.  The man knocks on the door and when the neighbor opens it, the man says, "Hey, I just moved in down the way and I thought I'd come and meet my nearest neighbor".
"Well great!" says the neighbor, "You can come to my poker party tonight".
"Well yeah, I like to gamble a from time to time", says the man.
Hesitantly, the neighbor says, "There might be a lot of alcohol consumption..."
"That's cool.  I'm a bit of a lush myself", says the man.
Again with hesitance, the neighbor says, "There's probably going to be a fight..."
"Well of course, gambling and alcohol...of course there's going to be a fight", says the man.
"uhhhhh" says the neighbor, "...and there might be a lot of raunchy, rough sex..."
Even more excited than before, the man says, "Great!  What should I wear?!"
The neighbor says, "Doesn't matter, it's just going to be you and me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94w4i6/a_guy_moves_to_rural_idaho/
%
What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when he bumped into the him?

Sorry, my fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94w41u/what_did_the_tectonic_plate_say_to_the_other/
%
Why are mountains so funny?

Because they are hill areas.
I'll show myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94w1v6/why_are_mountains_so_funny/
%
My girlfriend's cellphone service sucks!

Eight days ago when she said, "We're breaking up," the call ended, and it's
gone straight to voicemail ever since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94w1if/my_girlfriends_cellphone_service_sucks/
%
I saw a clairvoyant laughing, so I hit them.

I always like to strike a happy medium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94vzwt/i_saw_a_clairvoyant_laughing_so_i_hit_them/
%
I wish I could be ugly for one day

Being ugly every day sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94vvzq/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_one_day/
%
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94vjz7/i_hope_elon_musk_never_gets_involved_in_a_scandal/
%
[NSFW] What is long, thick and hard and has cum in it?

A cu-cum-ber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94vjdi/nsfw_what_is_long_thick_and_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
My ex wife's favorite joke.

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a sheet of saran-wrap.
Doc says to him, "I can clearly see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94vgcp/my_ex_wifes_favorite_joke/
%
Necrophilia

.... the last nail in the coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94veil/necrophilia/
%
What happens when you play a country music record backwards?

Your wife comes  home, your truck starts, and your boots fit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94vbzu/what_happens_when_you_play_a_country_music_record/
%
Why don’t African’s like cruise ships?

They’re not falling for that one again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94v77y/why_dont_africans_like_cruise_ships/
%
A man wakes up the morning of his birthday on July 7th.

He looks at his watch ‘7:07’. “Oh man, what are the odds that I wake up at 7:07 on 07/07 on the day of my birthday. Could be my lucky day!”
He drives to the grocery store and starts freaking out as the total at the cash shows 77.77$. “Oh my, this cannot be a coincidence”.
He then drives back home and parks his car, only to realize his mileage is now at 77,777km. “Ok this is it, it is my lucky day, I’m going to pick a horse and bet 7777$ on it in tonight’s race. Easy money!”
The horse finishes 7th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94v03m/a_man_wakes_up_the_morning_of_his_birthday_on/
%
I'm afraid to die alone.

So I became a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94uybi/im_afraid_to_die_alone/
%
I have a friend named Phillip

He loves mixing orange juice and vodka.  Loves it so much that he had a special glass made with his face on it.
It's always nice to see Phillip's head screwdrivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94uw2q/i_have_a_friend_named_phillip/
%
“Do you know what happened to the rulers?”

“What?”
“They aren’t making them any longer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94usrb/do_you_know_what_happened_to_the_rulers/
%
What do you call a weather joke with a bad punchline?

An anti-climactic climatic joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94uqg5/what_do_you_call_a_weather_joke_with_a_bad/
%
A guy gets matched with a couple and a gorgeous blonde for a round of golf...

During the round he flirts with the blonde a bit.  On the 16th, he says, "How about after the round, I buy you a drink at the club house?"
"I have a better idea," she replies, "I have a place on the lake not far from here.   Why don't we head there for some fun. "
Not believing his luck, the guy agrees.
When they get to her house, the gorgeous blonde quickly pulls off the man's pants and proceeds to give him a BJ.
After some time, the blonde says, "Before we go any further, I have to tell you something: I'm actually a man."
"You son of a bitch," the guy replies, "you played the whole round from the lady's tees!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94uq5w/a_guy_gets_matched_with_a_couple_and_a_gorgeous/
%
What did the tree say to the lumberjack?

I'm falling for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94uq28/what_did_the_tree_say_to_the_lumberjack/
%
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.

And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94uppw/apparently_one_in_five_people_in_the_world_are/
%
Know why we have overpopulation?

We have too many fucking people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94upjw/know_why_we_have_overpopulation/
%
I overslept and didn’t go to the gym today

That’s 3 years in a row.....I’ll try again tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94uoty/i_overslept_and_didnt_go_to_the_gym_today/
%
Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye....

Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you are literally Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94uokc/use_chemicals_to_remove_polish_and_no_one_bats_an/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94umie/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
Two buddies are walking through the forest

One is Jewish and the other is Czechoslovakian. Suddenly, a bear jumps out at them and eats the Czechosolovakian. The Jewish guy runs to town to get help. He find a hunter, who says that if they hurry there is still a chance to cut open the bear and get the man out alive, but if they can't get to him fast enough he will die.
They track the bear back to its den, where they find not one but two bears, a male and a female.
The hunter says, "Quick, which bear was it?There's just enough time to save him if we get the right one."
The Jew says the male bear, so they kill it and cut it open, but lo- it was the wrong bear. So they kill the female bear and cut it open. They find the Czech inside, but sadly it's too late and he is already dead.
The moral of the story is, never trust a Jew when he says the Czech is in the male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94uiwr/two_buddies_are_walking_through_the_forest/
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British kids sure are kind

But German kids are kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94uhy7/british_kids_sure_are_kind/
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People shouldn't be shamed for their kinks. Me, I get really turned on when someone smells like musty sweat and coal.

But I always get called a monster when I admit to being attracted to miners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ufs4/people_shouldnt_be_shamed_for_their_kinks_me_i/
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I'll never forget the day I lost my virginity...

...God I miss prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94uctw/ill_never_forget_the_day_i_lost_my_virginity/
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My daughter refused to wear her contacts

I told her, "No daughter of mine is going out looking like that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ubqr/my_daughter_refused_to_wear_her_contacts/
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Like my grandpa said:

It's good to meet girls in a park but it's better to park your meat in a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ua7t/like_my_grandpa_said/
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I asked a communist why he was trying to grab my balls...

He said he was attempting to seize the means of reproduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94u5ko/i_asked_a_communist_why_he_was_trying_to_grab_my/
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50 Cent is a very insightful person. Wherever he goes, he tailors his shows to be inoffensive to local cultures and customs.

At his latest gig in Harare he performed under the name "4 Billion Dollars".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94u2l5/50_cent_is_a_very_insightful_person_wherever_he/
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I value my kids more than anything else in my life.

You wouldn't believe how much they go for at an auction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94u2ka/i_value_my_kids_more_than_anything_else_in_my_life/
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Three Squaws Were Each Preparing For The Birth Of Their First Child.

Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child. The
first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second squaw placed
an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw placed a
hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so that the
three formed a triangle.
It just so happens that all three women gave birth on the same day.
The first squaw on the bear hide had a 5-lb son, the second squaw on the
elk hide had a 6-lb son, and the third squaw on the hippopotamus hide had
an 11-lb son.
To this day, mathematicians credit these three women with the first
proof of the Pythagorean Theorem:
"The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons
of the squaws of the two adjacent hides."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94tyln/three_squaws_were_each_preparing_for_the_birth_of/
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Don't be racist against the irish...

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked,"In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages ?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I
was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says,"Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why
did you ask me if
I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied,
"Because you're in Radio shack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94txs7/dont_be_racist_against_the_irish/
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Whats the difference between BMWs and porcupines

porcupines keep their pricks on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ttyi/whats_the_difference_between_bmws_and_porcupines/
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The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contacted by a very polite, kind seeming gentleman named Odaka from Nigeria. They chat for weeks, even video-conferencing, and she eventually discovers that he is actually a king is his country and that his former spouse had also passed some years before.  All the woman's friends warn her that the relationship is probably a scam,  but the man seems so earnest that she ignores them.
One day, her online paramour announces that he is coming to visit her in the USA. Her friends insist that they accompany her to the airport when she meets him, still mindful of scams. To their surprise, the man arrives in a private jet with a royal entourage. He is indeed a king!
Feeling embarrassed, they do their best to make up for their doubt and fully support the couple. Agnes and her lover have a great time. He loves America and is in wonder with some of the big city. Despite being king - he explains - he has never left his home city, which is not very large and is quite isolated. Agnes and the king move in together and are very happy.
After awhile, though, the relationship starts to feel strained. Odaka is becoming increasingly distant, and seems to be very unhappy.
Worried, Agnes asks him what's wrong, but he half-heatedly assures her all is fine.
This goes on for awhile, and finally the friends intervene.
Is something wrong between him and Agnes, they wonder.
Odaka assures them that Agnes is the more lovely woman he's ever known, and that it's not her fault
Worriedly, they ask if their previous distrust has driven a wedge between the couple, but Odaka tells them that he understands and that he is very happy with the support they've given them since his arrival.
What then, they ask, is the problem.
Well, he tells them: "Agnes is incredible, and her friends are all very nice, but..."
The  friends press him for an answer, worried that he may have a potential health issue or some other serious problem.  Finally, he tells them:
"New York is a wonder and America a great country, but..."
"I miss the reigns down in Africa!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ttbd/the_nigerian_king/
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What's the difference between being hungry and horny?

The type of weiner you want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94tsy7/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
%
Why I fired my secretary!

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone, "Happy Birthday". I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but maybe the kids will remember. My kids came down for breakfast and didn't say a word.
So, when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning,
Boss, Happy Birthday". It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me". I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go".
We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day....we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "OK", I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, she came
out carrying a huge birthday cake......followed by my wife, kids and
dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there........
on the couch.......
naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94trvh/why_i_fired_my_secretary/
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Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94tq4j/kidnapper_on_phone_we_have_your_son/
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If I had a dollar for every time, I got distracted,

I wish I had a puppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94tnrp/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_got_distracted/
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Concussions aren't real

It's all in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ti8u/concussions_arent_real/
%
Last night I woke up, startled, to a female’s voice coming from my desktop. “Hello,” it said, “It’s me.”

Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94te0q/last_night_i_woke_up_startled_to_a_females_voice/
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My friend said he saw me at the swingers party last night, it wasn't me

It was my dopplegangbanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94t956/my_friend_said_he_saw_me_at_the_swingers_party/
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Do you know what drives me buggy?

Me horsey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94t1pt/do_you_know_what_drives_me_buggy/
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How do boats reproduce if they are all girls?

They are covered in seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94t0us/how_do_boats_reproduce_if_they_are_all_girls/
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How many Paladins does it take to install a ceiling lamp?

Two, one to the screw the bolts in and the other to uphold the light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94t00k/how_many_paladins_does_it_take_to_install_a/
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How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?

YOU DON’T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN’T THERE!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94syy3/how_many_vietnam_veterans_does_it_take_to_change/
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How does a promiscuous Amish woman measure her sexual escapades?

In Mennonite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94syms/how_does_a_promiscuous_amish_woman_measure_her/
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A group of old friends discussed where they should meet for lunch for their reunion.

They were all aged about 40.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waitresses there were pretty.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94syk3/a_group_of_old_friends_discussed_where_they/
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Would you tell anyone?

Two gentlemen are sitting next to each other at a bar, enjoying some conversation and drinks. One man turns to the other, "So I have a theoretical situation I would like your opinion on."
"Sure, ask away"
First man says "Well I was thinking, what if you woke up one morning and you found yourself in the middle of the woods, all alone. You're bent over a log, pants are around your ankles and your ass is rather painful.. Would you tell anyone?"
The second man is taken back a bit, "Oh wow, that really is an interesting situation.. You said no one was around when I woke up?"
"That's correct."
"Oh gosh, I mean I suppose if I don't remember how I got there or what happened, then no I wouldn't tell a soul. I would pretend it never happened!"
The first man nods slowly, looking down at his beer. After a short while, he looks the second man in the eye. "Wanna go camping?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94syd4/would_you_tell_anyone/
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?

" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94sw6f/a_little_boy_asked_his_father_daddy_how_much_does/
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Did you know a Brazilian wax costs $50?

Talk about a rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94sufl/did_you_know_a_brazilian_wax_costs_50/
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An Eskimo drops his truck off at the shop

“I’ll be back in an hour” says the Eskimo
The Eskimo stops at an ice cream shop on the way back. Upon returning, the Eskimo asks the mechanic
“What’s wrong with my truck?”
To which the mechanical responds
“It looks like you blew a seal.”
The Eskimo frantically replies
“It’s vanilla ice cream, I swear!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94sszh/an_eskimo_drops_his_truck_off_at_the_shop/
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A man visits a whorehouse in Japan

A man goes on a trip to Japan to see some friends. His buddy tells him about this whorehouse on a corner downtown. He goes to the address, nervously he knocks on the door.
A peephole opens up, "what can I do for you?" The man answers "I want to get fucked"
"Slide $50 under the door."
The man slides a $50 bill under the door and waits. After a few moments, nothing happens. The man knocks again, angry. "What is it this time?" the man behind the door says. "I said I want to get fucked!"
The man behind the door replies "Again?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ss7x/a_man_visits_a_whorehouse_in_japan/
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I keep having this recurring dream about a horse wearing a suit of armor

Actually, it may be more of a knight mare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94sqzi/i_keep_having_this_recurring_dream_about_a_horse/
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A little Muslim kid can't find his mother

A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.
The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"
The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94sodb/a_little_muslim_kid_cant_find_his_mother/
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Give a man a fish and feed him for a day....

Feed a man to your fish, and feed your fish for like 6 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94so2b/give_a_man_a_fish_and_feed_him_for_a_day/
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I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94sl8i/i_got_fired_from_the_unemployment_office_on_friday/
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Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94sk69/did_you_hear_about_the_crook_who_stole_a_calendar/
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What’s the worst way to end a friendship with a rock?

Take them for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94sj0y/whats_the_worst_way_to_end_a_friendship_with_a/
%
Why did the Xbox player cross the road?

To render in the buildings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94siyr/why_did_the_xbox_player_cross_the_road/
%
A good man dies and goes to heaven

An angel comes and tells to him :
\- You have been a good guy, welcome to the heaven. Do you like food ?
\- Yes, I love food.
\- It's good for you, because every Monday we eat till the end of the day. Do you like alcohol ?
\- I used to drink.
\- It's good for you, because every Tuesday we drink alcohol, and you can drink a lot, that's not a problem, you are already dead ! Do you like smoking ?
\- I  also used to smoke a lot.
\- It's good for you, because every Wednesday we smoke cigarettes, and you can smoke a lot, that's not a problem, you are already dead ! Do you like drugs ?
\- I tried when I was young.
\- Here, we drug ourselves every Thursday, and you can use as much drug as you want, that's not a problem, you are already dead !  Are you gay ?
\- No, I am not gay.
\- Sorry, you will hate Fridays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94sgpo/a_good_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks:

"How much for a drink?"
The bartender says "For you, no charge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94sfk2/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
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An elderly woman is holding a funeral for her recently deceased husband

After the viewing, she discusses how kind and honest of a man her husband was, how she was so sad to see him go, and she bursts into tears.
Her nephew, after consoling his mourning aunt , asks “May I say a word”.
Through tears she says, “Of course”
He takes a moment and says “Plethora”.
His aunt, wiping her eyes, says “Thank you, that means a lot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94sf88/an_elderly_woman_is_holding_a_funeral_for_her/
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A man checks into a hospital with a dozen toy horses up his butt...

The doctors described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94sc8i/a_man_checks_into_a_hospital_with_a_dozen_toy/
%
Forgot to read the instructions on my new eyeliner

Guess I’ll have to make it up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94sajp/forgot_to_read_the_instructions_on_my_new_eyeliner/
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Do you know why iPhones have small "i"s?

Cuz they made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94s8i5/do_you_know_why_iphones_have_small_is/
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How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four. One to hold the bulb and three to drink until the room starts spinning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94s8eh/how_many_kennedys_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Whats the cheapest type of meat?

Deer balls.
They're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94s7xi/whats_the_cheapest_type_of_meat/
%
Why is it common practice for sumo wrestlers to shave?

So they don’t get mistaken for feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94s6jo/why_is_it_common_practice_for_sumo_wrestlers_to/
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A police officer knocks on a man's door.

The officer asks, "Is this the Sorkin residence?" The man nods.
"May I see a picture of your wife?" The man hands the officer a picture off a shelf.
The officer sighs, "It looks like she was hit by a train."
" I know, but she's such a nice lady and an excellent cook!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94s6bb/a_police_officer_knocks_on_a_mans_door/
%
In class I was asked who my biggest personal hero is

I replied that the man who killed hitler has to be at the top of everyone's list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94s69k/in_class_i_was_asked_who_my_biggest_personal_hero/
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A cop pulls over 3 old ladies

doing 20 in a 65mph zone. The cop walks up to the window.
"How can I help you officer?"
"Did you realize you were doing 20 in a 65mph zone?"
"I thought we were doing the speed limit. It says so right there." The old woman pointed to a sign.
"Ma'am thats the sign saying you're on interstate 20." Just then the officer noticed the two women in back looked extremely frightened. "What's wrong with them?"
"Oh we must have just come off interstate 200."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94rzw7/a_cop_pulls_over_3_old_ladies/
%
The other day I got lost in the jungle but luckily I had a compass

So i was able to draw perfect circles with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94rwfh/the_other_day_i_got_lost_in_the_jungle_but/
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" Doctor, doctor I keep getting this crazy idea that I'm a pair of curtains!."

"For God's sake man, just go home and pull yourself together"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94rvka/doctor_doctor_i_keep_getting_this_crazy_idea_that/
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The Incredible Hulk has started his own fashion line.

It's all the rage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94rumm/the_incredible_hulk_has_started_his_own_fashion/
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Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94rulq/scientist_my_findings_are_meaningless_if_taken/
%
Where do fish store their money?

In the river bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ruh0/where_do_fish_store_their_money/
%
They say you are what you eat...

That makes me an innocent man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94rnod/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Don’t know, as soon as the light comes on, they all scatter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94rmry/how_many_roaches_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I once read a book called binary 101

It was 5
I stole this from my IT classroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94rlwn/i_once_read_a_book_called_binary_101/
%
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?

Banned from the petting zoo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94rl4i/what_do_you_get_when_you_insert_human_dna_into_a/
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I Went to a Restaurant

It was full so there was no place to sit
I took out my phone and placed it on my ear
Then I loudly said, "Bro come here fast, she's here with someone else..."
Six couples ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94rk8h/i_went_to_a_restaurant/
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This is what you do when you’re lost

Grab you phone, open Netflix watch any movie with at least a two second sex scene and you dad will walk by any second

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94rjxj/this_is_what_you_do_when_youre_lost/
%
Standing in a graveyard, Lex Luthor and his subordinate are planning Superman's demise

Lex: This is the night I bury Superman!
Henchman: You've finally figured out his weakness?
Lex: Yes, this evening, I'll lure him into this tomb and he'll be  incapacitated!
Henchman: How does that work?
Lex: It's his crypt-tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94riip/standing_in_a_graveyard_lex_luthor_and_his/
%
There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.

[spoilers](#s) Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.
"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94rhva/there_was_a_man_who_swore_he_was_getting_smaller/
%
A guy and his girlfriend are at a party. After getting a bit drunk, they decide to head back to her parents house.

As they sneak into her bedroom, she whispers, "listen, I still share a room with my sister, but she's an extremely deep sleeper. As long as we don't cause too much commotion and keep the lights off, she'll never know we're here".
The girlfriend takes off her clothes and climbs onto the bed.
"Wrong hole", she says.
He apologises and re-adjusts...
"Wrong hole!" she repeats.
He apologises again and re-adjusts...
"WRONG HOLE!!" She shouts as he tries one more attempt to get it right...
"LOOK!! For the last time! Will you take your dick out of my sister and come over here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94rgov/a_guy_and_his_girlfriend_are_at_a_party_after/
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My wife must think I'm God

She keeps bringing me burnt offerings and is always on at me to perform miracles for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94r72z/my_wife_must_think_im_god/
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The other day, I tried to tell a joke to an American cop...

Well, instead of laughing, he just looked me dead in the eye and said, "That's not funny. What the fuck is wrong with you?"
I guess my sense of humor's so dark, the police will shoot it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94r4wi/the_other_day_i_tried_to_tell_a_joke_to_an/
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Two swallows are talking:

"It will rain."
"How do you know?"
"Humans stare at us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94r4ty/two_swallows_are_talking/
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A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he
puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS
CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none
of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW
THERE ARE TWO! \"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94r2jk/a_farmer_in_the_country_has_a_watermelon_patch/
%
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94r2gz/how_do_you_know_how_heavy_a_red_hot_chili_pepper/
%
I’m going to wait until i’m immortal

Or at least i will die trying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94r2fg/im_going_to_wait_until_im_immortal/
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There are 10 types of people in this world

Those that understand binary, those that don't and those who didn't expect this joke to be in base 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94r2fb/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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My dwarf friend was permanently banned from the nudist colony.

He kept sticking his nose in other people’s business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94r252/my_dwarf_friend_was_permanently_banned_from_the/
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Where did the square go after killing the triangle?

To prism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94qz1i/where_did_the_square_go_after_killing_the_triangle/
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A woman wanted to spice up her sex life

So she went down to the local sex store, and asked the the clerk "Do you have any dildos?".
"Why, of course" replied the guy behind the counter. She was shown around the store, and finally she was shown the magic dildo. "If you say, 'magic dildo' and the hole you want fucked, it will fuck it" the clerk informed her. She gets in the car and starts driving home. Along the way, she gets too excited to try it out, and says "Magic dildo, my vagina". To her surprise, the dildo ripped itself out of the packet and began vigorously fucking her. "Magic dildo, stop". It did not stop.
A police officer pulled her over and said"Ma'am your driving recklessly".
To which she replied "I can't help it, it's this magic dildo".
The police officer retorted "Hmmf, magic dildo my ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94qp8v/a_woman_wanted_to_spice_up_her_sex_life/
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How do you hide 8 holes with 1 hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94qoix/how_do_you_hide_8_holes_with_1_hole/
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What do you call it when Ant-Man makes a politically incorrect joke?

A microaggression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94qnqa/what_do_you_call_it_when_antman_makes_a/
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I heard my daughter say her first words to me today...

"where have you been in the last 20 years?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94qmzu/i_heard_my_daughter_say_her_first_words_to_me/
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Three friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"
Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."
Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ql0i/three_friends_bragged_about_who_has_more_sex/
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If you are ever lost in the woods...

Just start playing a game of solitaire and someone will appear behind you with guidance on your next move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94qk1o/if_you_are_ever_lost_in_the_woods/
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the sea?

Bob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94qio0/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_or_legs_in/
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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!
So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along the way, he sees dozens of noble warriors, bodybuilders and others laying on the ground, devastated. Their absolute and utter exhaustion is displayed clearly by the pools of sweat underneath them, and the sound of wheezing could be heard from over 50 yards away. The hero is now concerned, these men appear to be very strong and fit, but he is more so than all of them. A ways further and he sees Hercules, Chuck Norris, and even Atlas, who held up the entire world for countless years, receiving medical attention for their hands which are shaking uncontrollably. The hero is extremely worried, and heavily considers turning back. If these great men could not best the challenge of strength, then how could I? But the prospect of becoming a god was too tempting, and he pressed forward.
The hero had finally reached Zeus who was holding a jar of peanut butter. "Welcome, great hero. If you wish to become a god you must complete 4 feats of strength. Here is a jar of peanut butter. Please open the jar without using any hot water." The hero took the jar, and while tight, presented no challenge as he opened it without a grimace.
"Very good" says Zeus. "For the next challenge, you must carry 8 bags of groceries in one trip, without dropping any or breaking the eggs." As a man, the hero has done this countless times before, so he was not particularly worried. He picked up 4 in one hand and 4 in the other, and carried them over to Zeus's refrigerator.
"You give me hope, challenger! Perhaps someone will be able to complete my challenges after all. The feats increase in difficulty, of course, so be prepared for this next one! I have lodged my sword in this slab of granite. Retrieve the sword for me and I will present you the final challenge." The hero begins to pull on the sword, and it is very difficult. He notices the sword wiggle slightly, which gives him just enough confidence to unlodge the sword using most of his might. He presents the sword to Zeus.
"Hero, you have completed the first 3 trials and only one remains. No mortal man has made it this far, and it is as far as Hercules, Chuck Norris, and all the great heroes have made it; but none have succeeded. Complete this, and you shall have a seat in the legendary Pantheon.
Zeus holds out his hand, and says "Here is an uncracked pistachio. Open it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94qhb3/zeus_is_offering_a_seat_in_his_pantheon_for_the/
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How do you know a sniper likes you?

He has you in his sights and takes you out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94qbuu/how_do_you_know_a_sniper_likes_you/
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Why did the banker quit his job?

He lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94q77k/why_did_the_banker_quit_his_job/
%
Who cares if Apple is worth 10^12

I heard Google is worth 10^100

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94q2ey/who_cares_if_apple_is_worth_1012/
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The Spoon

So a man is having dinner and drops his spoon on the floor, and a waiter quickly comes over and hands him another one from his shirt pocket. The man said, thanks, that was quick. And the waiter says, yes, the manager asks us to keep extra spoons because people often drop them. The man says thanks and goes on with his dinner. While eating, the man notices that all the waiters have a string coming out of their zipper and tied to their belt, so the man calls the waiter back over and asks what that's for. The waiter explains that the manager also thought it was a good idea for the men to be able to relieve themselves without touching anything, thus not having to waste more time washing their hands after. Then the man says, but how do you tuck it back in? The waiter leans in close and says, well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94q1in/the_spoon/
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Three men die and go to heaven...

God is waiting for them and asks them to answer a  question, as that will decide what kind of car they get to drive.
God asks the men, How long were you married?
Man 1: 20 years
God: Amazing, and how many times did you cheat on your wife?
Man 1: Umm... 5 times...
God : Okay, you get a Hyundai.
God asks the second man the same question,
Man 2: 40 years
God : Great, and how many times did you cheat on your wife
Man 2: I cheated twice.
God: Alright, you get a BMW
God puts up the same question to the third man,
Man 3: 60 years
God: And how many times did you cheat?
Man 3: Not even once!
God: OMG, incredible... You get a Ferrari.
All the men go on and enjoy the afterlife.
One day Man 1 & 2 catch Man 3 crying by the side of the road,
Man 2: What happened man?
Man 1: Something wrong with your car?
Man 3: No, I just saw my wife, and she was on a rusting village bike...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94pv3j/three_men_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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Alzheimer’s can’t be that bad.

You get to meet new people everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94pqng/alzheimers_cant_be_that_bad/
%
I got called pretty yesterday

and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was "You're pretty annoying." but I'm choosing to focus on the positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94pq10/i_got_called_pretty_yesterday/
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What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ppje/what_do_you_call_a_magic_dog/
%
Why did the golfer change pants?

He got a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94plsz/why_did_the_golfer_change_pants/
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What's older Jimmy, the sun or the moon?

Jimmy: Well duh, the moon; because it's allowed to go out at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94p93c/whats_older_jimmy_the_sun_or_the_moon/
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What do you call a KKK slideshow?

A White PowerPoint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94p8j3/what_do_you_call_a_kkk_slideshow/
%
Why did the police officer arrest the popcorn?

It was guilty of all salt and buttery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94p7pg/why_did_the_police_officer_arrest_the_popcorn/
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What does the karate kid do in his free time?

He wax off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94p58t/what_does_the_karate_kid_do_in_his_free_time/
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What do you call testicles that you pack for a picnic?

Basketballs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ozgp/what_do_you_call_testicles_that_you_pack_for_a/
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Once upon a time

...there was a Chieftain who presided over a community that lived in the steppe, where everything was grassland as far as the eye could see, and almost no trees grew. Because of its rarity, wood was prized, and this Chieftain happened to own a large, ornate chair made of wood that was his most priceless possession.
Most everything else that they possessed- mats, shoes, even their homes were constructed of tightly woven straw.
Now in this community it was customary that if someone complimented something of yours, the polite thing to do was to give it to them.
So the Chieftain really loved his chair, but he was set to host the chief of a neighboring tribe one  evening, and he was worried that the dude, ignorant of the custom, would compliment his chair, and then he'd have to give it to him or lose his people's respect.
So he took the chair and hid it in the layers of thatch that made up the roof, and the event went off successfully. He and the neighbor Chieftain had a nice dinner, and after dinner they kept on drinking and dancing.
The drank and danced and finally they danced so hard that they shook the whole building, and the wooden chair was knocked loose, and it fell down and hit our man on the head!
And that's why people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ov5j/once_upon_a_time/
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How many suh dudes does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It’s already lit fam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94onql/how_many_suh_dudes_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What do you feed a gay horse?

Haaaaaaayyy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94olqq/what_do_you_feed_a_gay_horse/
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My recliner and I

Go way back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ogwu/my_recliner_and_i/
%
Mosquitoes

Suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94oftm/mosquitoes/
%
Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94oaz4/patrick_stewart_is_talking_about_a_new_stsr_trek/
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A lion was sleeping in the jungle..

The lion woke up one morning with an overbearing desire to remind his fellow creatures that he was king of the jungle. So he marched over to a monkey and roared: "Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?"
"You are, Master," said the monkey, quivering. "Don't you forget it!" shouted the lion.
Then the lion came across a wildebeest.
"Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?" roared the lion.
"You are, Master," answered the wildebeest, shaking with fear. "That's right! And don't you forget it!" roared the lion.
Next the lion met an elephant.
"Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?" roared the lion.
The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, and beat the absolute crap out of him. He slammed him repeatedly against a tree, dropped him like a stone and ambled off.
The lion, defeated and bloody, stood up gingerly. "All right," shouted the lion. "There's no need to turn nasty just because you don't know the answer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94o0qs/a_lion_was_sleeping_in_the_jungle/
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Dark Humor Is Like Cancer...

It’s even funnier when children get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94nv67/dark_humor_is_like_cancer/
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A young soldier writes a letter to his father.

"Dad, I got syphilis"
A week later he receives a response:
"Son, I don't know much about those military decorations but you should wear it with pride"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94nulf/a_young_soldier_writes_a_letter_to_his_father/
%
Drinking can cause memory loss.

Or even worse, memory loss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94nujn/drinking_can_cause_memory_loss/
%
How are Melania Trump and LeBron James alike?

Both made their fortunes playing with orange balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ns8p/how_are_melania_trump_and_lebron_james_alike/
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In Russia they dont have Netflix,

they have Nietflix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94nrrs/in_russia_they_dont_have_netflix/
%
Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94nnj1/once_upon_a_time_in_the_magical_fantasy_kingdom/
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The double negative paradox...

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that,
“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up,
“Yeah, right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94nlyt/the_double_negative_paradox/
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Mu friend's butler lost his left arm.

Serves him right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94nktr/mu_friends_butler_lost_his_left_arm/
%
I was in a chemistry class

We were dissolving a solid pill in water. While everyone else's dissolved completely, mine had a few chunks left in the water. I asked the instructor what's the problem, but she just told me "whatever it is, you dont have a solution".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94nj5m/i_was_in_a_chemistry_class/
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A man is walking in the desert when he hears a sound...

"36. 36. 36. 36."
He follows the sound and finds a man walking around a well repeating this number with a robotic voice and step and a crazy look.
He shouts "Hello!" but the man doesn't respond and just keeps going on...
"36. 36. 36."
He moves closer and says hello again but the man doesn't respond.
"36. 36. 36."
He's almost next to him now, and the man tries to touch his shoulder to get his attention. Immediately the other man grabs his arm, pulls him and throws him into the deep well, and then keeps going around like nothing happened.
"37. 37. 37..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94nf9b/a_man_is_walking_in_the_desert_when_he_hears_a/
%
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me

It means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94nf2i/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
%
Do you know how you can find out the gender of an ant?

If you put it in the water and the ant sinks, it’s a girl ant. However if it doesn’t sink, it’s buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94nbr9/do_you_know_how_you_can_find_out_the_gender_of_an/
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There once was a man named Mr. Gay who went to the airport...

Mr Gay approached the ticket counter and asked if there were any seats left for a flight to Miami. This would be a last minute flight as his schedule had suddenly freed up and he was now able to visit his elderly mother on her birthday. The lady at the counter smiled as she searched, but she had some bad news. There was one seat left on the only flight to Miami, but it was a low priority seat and he might be bumped if anyone else bought a ticket.  Figuring that this was better than nothing, Mr. Gay purchased the ticket and went to the gate.
A couple of hours later, Mr. Gay boarded the plane. What luck!  He had not been bumped from the flight and it looked like he was going to make it to Miami for his mother's birthday. He was seated on an aisle seat when he noticed that a gentleman in the row in front of him, sitting by the window, was sweating profusely and fidgeting in his seat.
"Are you alright, sir?" Mr. Gay asked.
The nervous man replied, "I have a terrible fear of flying, and I usually request an aisle seat, but because this airplane is so full, they sat me at the window and now I'm scared out of my wits."
"We can't have that," Mr. Gay said with a smile,  "I will gladly switch seats with you so that you can have a more comfortable flight."
With a relieved sigh, the nervous man thanked him and switched seats with him.
A few more minutes went by as they waited for the plane to leave the terminal. The captain came on the PA system: "Ladies and gentlemen, our apologies, but it seems that we have oversold this flight and our flight attendants will now be asking certain passengers to deplane at this time."
Mr. Gay sank in his seat.  He knew that they would be coming for him.  Sure enough, the flight attendant came down the aisle, but walked right past him.   Mr. Gay had the sudden realization, that they were heading for his prior seat.
The flight attendant tapped the shoulder of the man that Mr. Gay had traded seats with.
"Sir," the flight attendant asked,  "Are you Gay?"
The man in the seat seemed surprised, but then sheepishly nodded his head and said, "Uh... yes,  I-I am, but..."
"I'm afraid you have to get off the plane, sir."
Mr. Gay stood up. "Wait!" He said,  "You don't understand!   I'M Gay!"
A very feminine man a couple of rows over stood up and slung his head back.  "Honey, I'm gay too and they can't throw us all off this bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94n9an/there_once_was_a_man_named_mr_gay_who_went_to_the/
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Apple is releasing a new Virtual-reality headset specifically for VR porn.

They are calling it:The iFap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94n8k6/apple_is_releasing_a_new_virtualreality_headset/
%
A black cannibal walks into a restaurant

The owner says, “We don’t serve black people here!”
The man replies, “That’s good to know, I don’t like dark meat anyway!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94n7rl/a_black_cannibal_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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I once upset a girl I knew who was into necrophilia she told me I should...

...kill myself. I don't know if she was threatening me or hitting on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94n7lf/i_once_upset_a_girl_i_knew_who_was_into/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are out camping

In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up.
"Look up", says Holmes. "What do you see?"
"The night sky", replies Watson.
"And what can you deduce from that, my dear Watson?"
Watson thinks long and hard before answering. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignficant. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94n4r9/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_are_out_camping/
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It’s my birthday today, I received lots of cards.

Most of them had money fall out of them when I opened them which was great. When I opened the last one there was no money just a load of rice fell out, I thought what the fuck is this!?!???
&nbsp;
Then I realised it must be from Uncle Ben.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94n3z3/its_my_birthday_today_i_received_lots_of_cards/
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Why couldn’t Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he had a wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94n3pn/why_couldnt_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94n277/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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Did you know it’s forbidden for women to make coffee? In the bible it says...

He-Brews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94n1tg/did_you_know_its_forbidden_for_women_to_make/
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Why did the Libertarian cross the road?

None of your damn business. Am I being detained?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94n0z2/why_did_the_libertarian_cross_the_road/
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If you ever miss 4:20 wait till 4:22...

...because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94n0s6/if_you_ever_miss_420_wait_till_422/
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I women was cheating on her husband , look how he discovered .

A husband was sitting in a public place with his friend whose name was Jack , they were chatting and a girl came to Jack and start kissing him and telling him that she messed him and such kind of these stuff and it goes like that with almost every girl that walked by . The husband was suprised " How you made all the girls love you ? my wife hates me and I don't know what to do" ! he said , " it's easy , just pinch her in the ass , girls love that " Jack answered . The husband was very excited to try this trick on his wife , once he arrived home , he sneaked silently into the badroom and found his wife lying on her belly , he moved toward her quietly and pinched her in the ass with lots of horny emotions . The wife streched on the bed even more and said " You came early today Jack "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94mysu/i_women_was_cheating_on_her_husband_look_how_he/
%
A magician was driving home

And then he turned into his driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94mrvu/a_magician_was_driving_home/
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I heard Disney is making a princess that's more pc to viewers.

She's said to resemble Rapunzel. Except instead of letting down her hair, she lets down everyone in her life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94mrts/i_heard_disney_is_making_a_princess_thats_more_pc/
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They say the golden wind comes in during this month...

Au gust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94mq3o/they_say_the_golden_wind_comes_in_during_this/
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That moment when your neighbour is ringing at your door at 3am like crazy...

But luckily you‘re still awake because you‘re drilling holes for your new IKEA bookcase

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94mmml/that_moment_when_your_neighbour_is_ringing_at/
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Sad News

The guy who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next washing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94mhok/sad_news/
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What do hunters call deer that carry guns?

Fair game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94mdl8/what_do_hunters_call_deer_that_carry_guns/
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Where do the poor Italians live?

In the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94mcll/where_do_the_poor_italians_live/
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The trouble with translating jokes is...

Many jokes rely on clever wordplay, which can get lost in translation!
(What? That always gets a laugh when I tell it in Basque.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94m7op/the_trouble_with_translating_jokes_is/
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Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an "i" in it.

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it.
Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am'
Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94m5ng/teacher_johnny_give_me_a_sentence_with_an_i_in_it/
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A little girl peed herself in class.

The teacher asked "why didn't you put your hand up?"
The girl replied "I did but it trickled through my fingers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94m3er/a_little_girl_peed_herself_in_class/
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Mike Pence walks into the Oval Office and sees Trump whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just  finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94m1xd/mike_pence_walks_into_the_oval_office_and_sees/
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What do you call a dinosaur who likes crossdressing?

Try Sarah’s Tops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94lxtf/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_who_likes/
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A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94lw7m/a_guy_said_to_god_god_is_it_true_that_to_you_a/
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What do you call a welder who never does their job?

A ne'er-do-weld.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94lum2/what_do_you_call_a_welder_who_never_does_their_job/
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A math tutor agrees to help a hot student with her homework.

His friends upon hearing this ask him if he made it to 3rd base with her. The math tutor replies "no. I made it to base 10."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94lu4d/a_math_tutor_agrees_to_help_a_hot_student_with/
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I called Serena Williams. I said, “Serena, what’s your favorite planet?”

She said, “It’s Venus.”
Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ltrv/i_called_serena_williams_i_said_serena_whats_your/
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When does it rain money?

When there is "change" in the weather

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94lrn2/when_does_it_rain_money/
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After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.
The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pianist will play a chord, and each of you will have to guess what's that. To make things fair, while one of you is guessing, the other remaining participants will be wearing noise canceling headphones."
The pianist from audience goes first, a chord is played by an orchestra member, and he without second thoughts says "F major." The answer is correct, audience claps, he gets a small prize and goes back to his seat.
Then the singer tries her luck. After hearing the chord, she takes some time to think, but pretty confidently says "C minor." Same as before, audience claps and she leaves the scene with a small prize.
The drummer gets the microphone, the chord is played, and he sits there thinking. After some time, he asks "Could you play it one more time?". The pianist nods and plays the chord again. Drummer starts sweating and keeps scratching his chin. Eventually, after some serious contemplations, he says "Umm... A piano?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94lpvp/after_an_orchestra_concert_the_host_asks_if_there/
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So Turkey wants to invade Syria from the rear,

Do you think Greece will help?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94lpk4/so_turkey_wants_to_invade_syria_from_the_rear/
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What do you call a bison that is good at telling lies?

Bluffalo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94lok6/what_do_you_call_a_bison_that_is_good_at_telling/
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She asked me if I’m a breast or legs man...

I replied that I’m more into shaved pussy and anal.
I’m now banned from KFC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94lmms/she_asked_me_if_im_a_breast_or_legs_man/
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Gender is like the Twin Towers

There used to be two, and now it's a really touchy subject to bring up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94lmim/gender_is_like_the_twin_towers/
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Did you hear about the paddle sale?

It was quite the ordeal (oar deal).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94lhqi/did_you_hear_about_the_paddle_sale/
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Pratically and theoretically

A son asks his father "what is the difference between Practically and Theoretically?".
The father calls the boy's mother: "Honey if a rich man paid you a million dollars, would you sleep with him?".
The wife said "Yes"
The man looks at his son and tell him "Well son, theoretically we are millionaires. Practically your mom is a whore".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ld1i/pratically_and_theoretically/
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The Welsh have been using sheep intestine as a contraceptive for hundreds of years.

It is only recently that they have decided to take the intestine out of the sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94lalj/the_welsh_have_been_using_sheep_intestine_as_a/
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What did God say to Noah?

Do a backup, I'm going to format it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94l88a/what_did_god_say_to_noah/
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Do you have a girlfriend?

Me: Yeah, she’s in another nation.
Where?
Me: Imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94l80z/do_you_have_a_girlfriend/
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What’s better then eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94l3t0/whats_better_then_eating_a_mandarin/
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Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes

But they're a solid number two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94l32m/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite_kind_of_jokes/
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If your parachute doesn’t open ...

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94kyl4/if_your_parachute_doesnt_open/
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What do you call a French conqueror who stands too close to a bomb?

Napoleon Blown-apart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94kvx1/what_do_you_call_a_french_conqueror_who_stands/
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An entomologist..

Recently, a world renowned entomologist was invited by the Queen of England to a gala in honor of the top minds in science. As this was an extremely formal event, the dress code was (obviously) "white tie." The entomologist was flattered beyond belief, and, in attempt to look his absolute best, he went out and obtained the best quality white tie apparel, even going so far as to have a cane head made from the finest metals and jewels in the image of an insect.
When it came time to receive his commendations, he proudly walked forward, cane swinging for all to see. This drew attention, of course, and a party of curious nobles came to question him near the end of the event.
"Good sir," they asked "while impressive, what was your reasoning for putting such a common animal in such beautiful setting?"
"Well," replied the entomologist, "it's a pretty fly for a white tie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94kuko/an_entomologist/
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A tourist in New York wants to visit Carnegie Hall, so he's walking down the street trying to find it.

He sees a musician carrying a violin case going the opposite way. He stops him and asks: "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?"
Without missing a beat, the musician replies, "Practice, practice, practice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ks8x/a_tourist_in_new_york_wants_to_visit_carnegie/
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Did you hear what that mathematician thought after graduating?

They were given another degree of freedom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94kpsf/did_you_hear_what_that_mathematician_thought/
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I broke my finger in work today...

On the other hand everything was OK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94kp33/i_broke_my_finger_in_work_today/
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What do librarians call breathalyzers?

The DUI decimal system

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94kmj0/what_do_librarians_call_breathalyzers/
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
Are my test results back?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94km4u/a_male_patient_is_lying_in_bed_in_the_hospital/
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I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.

I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was. "I cum in peas"..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94kjv8/i_found_an_alien_masturbating_in_my_freezer_last/
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A man is taking a taxi to the airport ...

when he realized he left his passport at home and must go back to get it.  He reaches through the partition and gently taps the driver on his shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screams and losses control of the cab, jumping a curb, nearly hitting a tree and several pedestrians, finally coming to a stop inches away from a building.
For a moment the cab was silent until the passenger spoke up, "I'm sorry, I had no idea such a gentle tap would startle you so!".
"Oh no", replied the cabbie, "Its all my fault, this is my first day driving a cab, for the past 30 years I drove a hearse.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94khtc/a_man_is_taking_a_taxi_to_the_airport/
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To the person who stole my adderall,

Squirrel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94kfh7/to_the_person_who_stole_my_adderall/
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My wife told me she has blisters from the broom stick

I asked her why she didn't take the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94kcml/my_wife_told_me_she_has_blisters_from_the_broom/
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If someone changes their hair color to or from red,

Does that make them transginger?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94kaxx/if_someone_changes_their_hair_color_to_or_from_red/
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I lost my job at the bank on my first day....

A woman asked me if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94kap9/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_my_first_day/
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A man meets a very pretty nun on the bus

and he tries his best to start a conversation, only to be disappointed, when she left the bus not peeping a single word.  Noticing this, the bus driver called the guy to sit up front, and he started to tell him that he knew where the nun was going every day, and if he dressed as a priest, he could use that to get her to do things for him.
Excited, the young man ran off to the costume shop, and bought himself a bishops costume.  He then made his way to the place the bus driver told him about, and just as he had described, there was the nun, walking alone down the darkened street.
The young man gathered himself, and approached the young woman.  "Hello sister, I am a traveling Bishop and need someone to help me with some tasks."
"Anything to be of service to the Lord" she said, and she followed him.
"I need a place to stay while here, and since I'm travelling incognito, It can't be known to the Mother Superior."
"You can stay with me, your Holiness, I have my own bed chamber." So she led him through a series of alleys, until she reached the door of her bed chamber.   They walk in, to see only the straw mattress on the floor.
"If it's in the service of the Lord, it isn't a sin." he said, as he stripped off his clothes, and urged her to do the same.
"I am ashamed, let me turn down the lamp, you holiness"
"That is fine.   Now, after that long journey, I really need to feel the softness and comfort of the female body...after all, if it's in service to the Lord, it's not a sin."
"Yes father.  To be honest, I've always wondered how it would feel to lie with a man, and now I know I am absolved, so let's do it!"  and with that, she jumps into the mattress and starts to passionately kiss the bishop all over.  After a few seconds, however, it's obvious that his body is not responding to her ministrations.
"What is wrong, your holiness? Did I do something wrong?" she asked, as the man sighed in frustration.
"No, I was just hoping that you were the bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94k7de/a_man_meets_a_very_pretty_nun_on_the_bus/
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It only takes 3.5” to pleasure a woman.

It can be Visa, Master Card, or Amex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94k1x9/it_only_takes_35_to_pleasure_a_woman/
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You've really got to hand it to short people

because sometimes, they just can't reach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94jz8m/youve_really_got_to_hand_it_to_short_people/
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My wife just had to have a house on the quarry...

Ever since then our relationship has been on the rocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94jxmm/my_wife_just_had_to_have_a_house_on_the_quarry/
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Why did the blind man go to the gym?

Because he needed a spotter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94jw1s/why_did_the_blind_man_go_to_the_gym/
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Frank the farmer had a nagging wife

She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.
One day while in the field, Frank's wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.
Suddenly, Frank's old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.
At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, "Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?"
Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down.
And all the men asked, "Is that donkey for sale?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94jswy/frank_the_farmer_had_a_nagging_wife/
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Holocaust jokes aren't funny.

...Anne Frankly I won't stand for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94js5j/holocaust_jokes_arent_funny/
%
We once had a dog named Dad

We named him that because he always ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94jpk4/we_once_had_a_dog_named_dad/
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Two cowboys, Bill and Jim, are riding out when they see a pile of horseshit on the ground

"I bet you ten bucks you can't eat that pile of horseshit, Jim", says Bill, being a joking kind of a guy.
However Jim, being helluva tough guy, answers the bet and eats the pile of shit. Bill reluctantly give him the well-earned $10.
Still, Jim is somewhat upset after eating a pile of shit so when the two ride by another one, he raises the same issue: "I bet you ten bucks you can't eat this pile of shit, Bill".
But Bill manages to do his part just the same, so Jim has to pay him the $10 due.
&nbsp;
So they ride a little bit more in silence, when Jim says in a grim voice: "Well, Bill, if we just didn't eat a pile o'shit each, for free".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94jlef/two_cowboys_bill_and_jim_are_riding_out_when_they/
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I was talking with my dad this morning in the kitchen

Me: My car is still having trouble starting. It starts but it turns over a few times before actually starting. I'm gonna have to check it out
Dad: That's not good. It'd be great in an iPhone, but not in your car
Me: ?
Dad: Well everybody loves apple turnovers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94jjh7/i_was_talking_with_my_dad_this_morning_in_the/
%
A man walked into the library and asked the librarian if the library had any books about Pavlov's dog and schrodinger's cat?

After thinking a moment the librarian responded," It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94jhy1/a_man_walked_into_the_library_and_asked_the/
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Catching rabbits

MI5, CIA and KGB are having a competition
Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of an egyptian forest.
For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins.
First, the MI5 leaves for the forest. When they emerge eight hours later, they carry a live rabbit in a cage. "We posted lookouts around the forest, and after spotting the rabbit, we shadowed it until it showed us his hideout, we then just placed the cage over the entrance and waited for the rabbit to fall in our trap. Neat and simple."
Now, it's the turn of the CIA. They leave into the forest and emerge four hours later, holding a rabbit which seems to have been shot and badly beaten several times. "We used satellite surveillance to aquire our target, but during the tracking with four inconspicious vans, the subject tried to escape, so we had to use drastic measures. Still counts." Nobody objects.
Now, it was the turn of the KGB. The four agents disappear into the forest, and return after only an hour. But they are not carrying a rabbit, but hold a crocodile between two of the agents. The crocodile is badly bruised, has a limp and keeps his gaze to the ground. Absently, he mumbles "I am a rabbit. My parents were both rabbits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94jatk/catching_rabbits/
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I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue....

...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94j7fu/i_painted_my_living_room_white_the_other_day_and/
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I found my brother in bed with my girlfriend yesterday. I couldn't believe it and I had to get my revenge.

So I shagged his sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94j6ap/i_found_my_brother_in_bed_with_my_girlfriend/
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What is Pavlov's favorite hair product?

Conditioner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94j3vw/what_is_pavlovs_favorite_hair_product/
%
I only eat the center of the egg.

Just yolking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94j34k/i_only_eat_the_center_of_the_egg/
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What do u call a gay dinosaur?

A tyranna sore ass rex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94j2em/what_do_u_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
So last week I had my driving test

Halfway through the test, we passed a primary school and unfortunately someone walked out into the road, it took me completely by surprise. I was really upset that I'd failed my test, until the examiner assumed me that it was fine, it was only a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94j1rw/so_last_week_i_had_my_driving_test/
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I couldn't ask for a better wife

without her getting offended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94j19e/i_couldnt_ask_for_a_better_wife/
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I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they are.

It was Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ihsg/i_met_some_chess_players_in_the_hotel_lobby_they/
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I get nostalgic when reversing my car

It always takes me back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ihfw/i_get_nostalgic_when_reversing_my_car/
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Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal,

and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94igss/imagine_being_held_at_gunpoint_bear_with_me_by_a/
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My young son asked me what happens when we die. I told him that we all burn in hell forever.

I was going to tell him the truth, that we rot in the ground and get eaten by worms, but I didn't want to upset him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94igh4/my_young_son_asked_me_what_happens_when_we_die_i/
%
12 year old boy was in bed

This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man." So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94if2t/12_year_old_boy_was_in_bed/
%
A blonde calls her mom...

Blonde: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94iejl/a_blonde_calls_her_mom/
%
Two fish are in a tank...

The first one says, "You man the gun, I'll drive."
The second one says,"holy shit! A talking fish!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94iccl/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
Office executive...

Office executive "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?" Boss "Certainly not!" Office executive "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ic3v/office_executive/
%
I told my wife "When the apocalypse comes, I'll be eating human flesh to survive".

"You shitting me?!" She asked.
"i might be" I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ib1d/i_told_my_wife_when_the_apocalypse_comes_ill_be/
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I reckon there were actually 102 dalmatians.

But the other one was never spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94i7e2/i_reckon_there_were_actually_102_dalmatians/
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Tom and his buddy got drunk

Tom took it too far and puked on his shirt.
"Oh no! My wife will kill me she hates when i drink"
"Dont worry. Take this 20$ bill and tell her someone else puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning."
So it was done.
Tom went home and his wife starts nagging and screaming to poor Tom.
"No honey someone puked on me and gave me 20 bucks for the cleaning. See?"
"And what is the second bill for?"
"Oh someone crapped in my pants too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94i6ah/tom_and_his_buddy_got_drunk/
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My stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap earlier today...

He was high on my list of priorities...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94i5uf/my_stoner_friend_used_my_todo_list_as_a_blunt/
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Australians don't have sex.

They mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94i3ok/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
Nintendo is releasing a micro transaction mobile platformer

Pay Per Mario

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94hydc/nintendo_is_releasing_a_micro_transaction_mobile/
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I like my r/jokes like I like my coffee

Same darn thing every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94huen/i_like_my_rjokes_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Why are teddy bears never hungry.

They are always stuffed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94hten/why_are_teddy_bears_never_hungry/
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We should've known communism was doomed to fall.

There were a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94hsu0/we_shouldve_known_communism_was_doomed_to_fall/
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Yo mama so fat...

When she was buried, the flat earthers announced the earth is not flat anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94hoog/yo_mama_so_fat/
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My german girlfriend likes to rate

my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10
last night we tried anal
she kept yelling 9
that's the best i've ever done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94hnar/my_german_girlfriend_likes_to_rate/
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A young girl is walking home from school one day when a car pulls up along side her.

The window goes down and the driver says to her
"Hey sweetie, I'll gove you a dollar if you get in the car with me..."
The girl doesn't say anything, she just walks a little faster.
The driver says
"Alright, I'll give you ten dollars if you get in the car with me..."
Again, the girl says nothing, she just walkes a bit quicker still.
The driver then says
"I'll give you one hundred dollars if you get in the car with me..."
At this the girl stops, turns to the driver and shouts
"YOU BOUGHT THE FORD DAD, YOU RIDE IN IT!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94hn4z/a_young_girl_is_walking_home_from_school_one_day/
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My wife laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94hls2/my_wife_laughed_at_me_when_i_told_her_i_was_going/
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My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94hkuc/my_daughter_learned_to_count/
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I want a girlfriend who'd do me with a strap-on.

She'd be the perfect person to fill a hole in my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94hisa/i_want_a_girlfriend_whod_do_me_with_a_strapon/
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What do French soldiers wear instead of boots?

Running shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94hbw3/what_do_french_soldiers_wear_instead_of_boots/
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What do you call a very short person that assists you in your timing?

A metrognome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94h6b4/what_do_you_call_a_very_short_person_that_assists/
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Lying family.

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94h11b/lying_family/
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We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas.

It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94gt92/we_the_taxpayers_keep_paying_to_send_trump_on/
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Why did Jesus stop playing Hockey?

Because he kept getting pinned to the boards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94gsmy/why_did_jesus_stop_playing_hockey/
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"I swear to god, if you get any closer I'm going to jump!"

Said the man to the jump rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94gpwl/i_swear_to_god_if_you_get_any_closer_im_going_to/
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My wife’s car got stolen while she was out the other day.

I said ,“Were you able to see what the guy looked like?”
She replied, “No, but I got the license plate number!”
[Source](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jrFgD9-l390)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94gl5o/my_wifes_car_got_stolen_while_she_was_out_the/
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Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”
The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.
“Wow!” Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. “You can tell all that by listening to the ground?”
“Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94gehm/two_cowboys_are_riding_out_when_the_spot_an/
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My boss: "you're fired"

Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: "you're a waiter, where did you get those?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94gdt5/my_boss_youre_fired/
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What do you get when you poke at a bottle of water?

Tap water
I'm so sorry for how stupid this is, but I felt like I had to share this with someone after I thought of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94g3hf/what_do_you_get_when_you_poke_at_a_bottle_of_water/
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Piss Pop Piss Pop

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he had just been hired. The plant manufactured various latex products, and had a reputation for using cutting edge technology in its manufacturing process.
On one side of the building, the factory made baby bottle nipples. The machine made a loud piss-pop noise, and the shift manager asked his tour guide what it was doing. “As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a piss noise” he said “The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”
On the other side of the building, the two men looked at the condom making machine. The machine made a piss.. piss piss-pop sound during the manufacturing process. “Wait a second...“ the future shift manager says, “I know what the piss, piss is but what’s with the pop noise every once in a while?”
“Oh, That’s the same as the baby bottle nipple process.” said the guide, “It pokes a hole in every third condom.”“But that can’t be good for the condoms!” the observant shift manager replied. “Nah, but its really good for the baby bottle nipple business!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94g26n/piss_pop_piss_pop/
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I overdosed on viagra last night

It was the hardest night of my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94g05f/i_overdosed_on_viagra_last_night/
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My girlfriend offered to titty fuck me tonight.

"with what?" was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94fwbn/my_girlfriend_offered_to_titty_fuck_me_tonight/
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NSFW Husband: “Can I get a blow job?”

Me: “I’m too tired for all that Jazz”
Husband: “Then pretend like it’s techno and give it a good beat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94fvbc/nsfw_husband_can_i_get_a_blow_job/
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Do you want to hear a joke about a ghost?

That's the spirit.
Disclaimer: My girlfriend told me this one and she has repeatedly said it pretty much since last Christmas and stills finds it super amusing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94fufg/do_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_a_ghost/
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Now that most of California has banned the use of straws,

I just going to have to drink my frappuccino through this assault rifle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94fo2s/now_that_most_of_california_has_banned_the_use_of/
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Three Engineers Are Debating the Nature of God...

They are a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer.  They each speak their opinion on God's nature in turn.
The mechanical engineer says "God is a mechanical engineer".  He proceeds to detail the workings of the human skeletal system, with its intricate joints and functional moving parts, a model of a perfect mechanical system.
The electrical engineer in turn insists that God is an electrical engineer.  He says this must be true due to the unbelievable complexity and ingenious design of the central nervous system, a marvel of electrical system design.
The software engineer takes a sip of his coffee and sits back in his chair with a smile.  "You both have it all wrong", he says.  "God is obviously a Civil Engineer, because only a Civil Engineer would run a waste canal through a recreational area!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94fng7/three_engineers_are_debating_the_nature_of_god/
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Old joke slightly different. An old peach salesman drives up to a house and knocks...

-  Beautiful lady answers door with not much on. Asks old man what she can for you
-  old man asks if she’d like to buy some peaches
-  she says, I don’t know, takes his hand and puts it on her breast. Asks “Are your peaches as firm and nice as this.”
-  he says, “yes ma’am”
- She then takes the  other hand and puts it between her legs. Asks, “Are your peaches as fuzzy and nice as this.”
-  he says, yes ma’am.
-  she says “shhh,  I here someone coming. Come on inside. “
They get inside, she strips and tells him, my body is yours mr. peach salesman what will you have
-  he says, “ma’am I think I’ll take your ears”
-  she asks, “why. I’ve got these perfect breasts, this beautiful body, why do you want my ears? “
-  he says, “Well when we were outside and you said you heard someone coming.....that was me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94fjmc/old_joke_slightly_different_an_old_peach_salesman/
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A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”
After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”
He replies, “They had eggs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94fi5l/a_programmer_and_his_wife_are_reviewing_their/
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What do you call it when the tallest man in the world gets circumcised?

A cut above the rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ff7k/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_tallest_man_in_the/
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How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her as a child?

They told her to sit in the corner of a circular room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94fetw/how_did_helen_kellers_parents_punish_her_as_a/
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Saw 4 guys jumping this old lady

I felt bad and had to jump in and help.
She put up a fight but noway 1 old lady could beat all 5 of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94feaf/saw_4_guys_jumping_this_old_lady/
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I would never...

On the way to meeting her parents...
Girlfriend: 'Please don't let my dad know that we have sex. He is scared that I might get pregnant'
At the door...
Girlfriend's Dad : So, are you coming inside?
Me: [pretty much flustered] No sir, I would never...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94fa3i/i_would_never/
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What's heavier, 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

The feathers, because with the bricks you just carry 200 pounds,  but with the feathers you've also got to carry the thought of what you did to those poor birds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94f9tb/whats_heavier_200_pounds_of_bricks_or_200_pounds/
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I just checked, and I got perfect credit!

I got a 100.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94f9mf/i_just_checked_and_i_got_perfect_credit/
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The Prescription to Happiness

A woman finds herself extremely depressed. No matter what she does she can’t seem to find joy. Constantly sad and with no hope, she decides to go to the doctor to see what he can do for her.
So the woman arrives at the doctor, and starts to explain her symptoms. The doctor, knowing full well what the woman needs, writes her up a prescription. The woman thanks the doctor, and heads back home.
Back in her house, the woman speaks with her husband.
-“Honey, I spoke to the doctor”.
-“Well, what’d he say babe?”
-“He wrote me this prescription that’s sure to make me happy again”
-“Well what is it?”
-“The prescription says that I need to have sex three times a day”
The husband, extremely excited says, “That’s amazing, we can start right now!” However, the woman stops him before he gets very far, and says:
-“Hold it right there. The doctor specifically told me no home remedies”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94f99g/the_prescription_to_happiness/
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Did you hear about the Queen's abortion?

I hear it was a royal flush
\[Like always please Up/Down vote at your own discretion but please don't downvote just because you are offended - It was marked NSFW to warn you in advance\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94f7ln/did_you_hear_about_the_queens_abortion/
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I showed up late to a cannibal dinner party...

They gave me the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94f2a0/i_showed_up_late_to_a_cannibal_dinner_party/
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The best thing about a bad joke when you're feeling down?

For a short time it takes the pun away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94eump/the_best_thing_about_a_bad_joke_when_youre/
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Offensive jokes on r/jokes are like teenage ISIS members.

They blow up quick, and they never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94etwg/offensive_jokes_on_rjokes_are_like_teenage_isis/
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What did the bartender say when a ham sandwich walked into the bar?

“I’m sorry but we don’t serve food here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94etdq/what_did_the_bartender_say_when_a_ham_sandwich/
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My friend told me that I need to stop singing I’m a believer because it was getting annoying and I laughed because I thought she was kidding

Then I saw her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ep1i/my_friend_told_me_that_i_need_to_stop_singing_im/
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My girlfriend dumped me because she didn’t agree with my politics

I’m right and she left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94eo8g/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_because_she_didnt_agree/
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The only thing Flat Earthers fear

Sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94el0h/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
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All of my wet dreams are nightmares

I call them scream and creams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94egke/all_of_my_wet_dreams_are_nightmares/
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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu. You get what you deserve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94eczb/hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
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A boy is in the car with his dad driving

Behind them is a police car which begins to flash its lights.
“Oh you shithead” says the dad in annoyance.
But it turns out the police car was signalling someone else and its was fine.
“Daddy” the boy says  “what does shithead mean?”
Chuckling, the dad replies “I was on about the policeman”
The next day the dad cuts himself while shaving and shouts “bollocks” in anger.
“Daddy what does bollocks mean?” The boy asks
“It doesn’t mean anything, I’m just shaving” the dad replies.
The boy goes downstairs and walks into the kitchen where his mother is cutting a turkey for dinner.
Just as he is about to ask what bollocks means the mother cuts her finger and  cries out in pain “fucking turkey!”
“Mummy” the boy asks “what does fucking mean?”
“Oh nothing sweetie, I’m just cutting the turkey.” She replies.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door and the mother says “sweetie go see who is at the door while I find a bandage.”
The boy opens the door to find a policeman waiting on the doorstep.
“Hello young man, are you parents home?” The policeman enquiries.
“Oh hello shithead” the boy replies. “My dad is shaving his bollocks and my mum is fucking the turkey”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ebzy/a_boy_is_in_the_car_with_his_dad_driving/
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My teacher asked me to submit a 1,000 word essay, but I couldn’t be bothered...

So I handed in a picture instead...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94earj/my_teacher_asked_me_to_submit_a_1000_word_essay/
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A Welsh policeman heard a commotion at a nearby farm and went to investigate.

He walked into the barn to see the farmer making love to a sheep.
"Bloody hell, Farmer Greg! Don'tcha know that's wrong?"
The farmer looked up at the policeman and said, "If loving ewe is wrong, I don't wanna be right!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94e2t4/a_welsh_policeman_heard_a_commotion_at_a_nearby/
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A girl said to me "Would you like to go out?"

Happily, I replied "Yes, please."
"Good," she smiled. "Now get the fuck out of my house. I don't know how you got in but every second you stay here I get more uncomfortable"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94e0x0/a_girl_said_to_me_would_you_like_to_go_out/
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The guy who invented the elevator should

get a raise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94dyol/the_guy_who_invented_the_elevator_should/
%
So, why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.... and the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
DONALD TRUMP: We should build a wall so the chicken can't cross the road.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94dv0y/so_why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Why are red neck murders so hard to solve?

All the DNA samples match and there are no dental records

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94du06/why_are_red_neck_murders_so_hard_to_solve/
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So a pirate captain walked into my candy shop the other day...

And he asks me for a gumdrop. I say to him "Why would you want gum that's been dropped?"
"Sir," I say, "Wouldn't you rather have a candy fish?"
He says, "Candy fish? Is it sweet?"
And I say "Well... it's Swedish."
So now, the captain is so angry that he makes we walk the plank and I shout "Don't you think you're going a little overboard?!" And the pirate says, "No, *you* are!"
Before I jump, I ask him, "Can I just have one last mug of rootbeer?" And he says, "That would be fine." So I take the mug and jump... and you know? I would've drowned if it weren't for one thing...
>!**Rootbeer floats!**!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94dtfz/so_a_pirate_captain_walked_into_my_candy_shop_the/
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A large, obese man is standing naked in front of the doctor.

Man: Doctor,  I haven’t seen my penis in 3 years.
Doctor: Then why don’t you diet?
Man: Why? What color is it now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94drs5/a_large_obese_man_is_standing_naked_in_front_of/
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The Girlfriend Joke

So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself.
Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?"
And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel.
So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh... No thanks, I'm good."
"Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out."
So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this."
So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner."
So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick.
A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it."
So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever.
So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream.
So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me."
I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well...alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow
So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again."
"Wait, what? Why not? What happened?"
"Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me."
"I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person"
"She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me."
"I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow."
I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on.
So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up.
Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her.
Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE.
And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94dqis/the_girlfriend_joke/
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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94dlgv/the_beautiful_secretary_of_the_president_of_a/
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My girlfriend was faithful to the end

Unfortunately, I was the quarterback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94djrf/my_girlfriend_was_faithful_to_the_end/
%
What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A Labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94dgky/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_can_do_magic/
%
Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94dgdw/why_dont_scientists_trust_atoms/
%
I think my coworkers are gay...

.... Every time I walk by, they mumble, “What an ass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94dg2t/i_think_my_coworkers_are_gay/
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[Original] How many redditors will it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Numbers won't matter.  They'll just put the old light bulb back in over and over again like a joke about a dead horse.
I hope that nobody else came up with this yet, at least.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94dfj2/original_how_many_redditors_will_it_take_to_screw/
%
The other day I was arrested for masturbating on a plane..

They charged me with **high-jacking**...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94derj/the_other_day_i_was_arrested_for_masturbating_on/
%
Your mom is like a bowling ball.

She's round, heavy, gets picked up, fingered in three holes, tossed in the gutter and she still comes back for more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94dcrw/your_mom_is_like_a_bowling_ball/
%
How do you make love to a redhead?

Gingerly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94d8nl/how_do_you_make_love_to_a_redhead/
%
Did you double check the fuel?

A villager from rural part of India is really excited about taking his first flight to start his new job in America. After saying the traditional goodbyes to the entire village, he gets onto the bus that will take him to the city.
Along the way, the bus runs out of fuel and he has to get out with the rest of the passengers to push the bus to the nearest refueling station.
Once he is at the bus depot, he hails an auto-riksha to take him to the airport. The traffic is so bad that the riksha runs out of fuel. Once again, he gets out to push the riksha to the nearest refueling station.  By now he is convinced that he is suffering from someone’s ‘evil eye’.
He eventually gets to the airport, checks in and takes his seat. The plane takes off and the feeling finally overwhelms him. So he grabs the arm of the nearest air-hostess and yells, ‘Tell that son of a bitch to double check the fuel because like hell I am going to step out to push this fucking plane.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94d8ba/did_you_double_check_the_fuel/
%
My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94d7f3/my_gf_told_me_we_couldnt_afford_beer_and_i_would/
%
What does U.S. immigration policy have in common with kindergarten after lunch?

Kid napping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94d61n/what_does_us_immigration_policy_have_in_common/
%
During sex

Fucking up is completely normal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94d5me/during_sex/
%
A married Irishman went into the confessional

......and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put €50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94d2rr/a_married_irishman_went_into_the_confessional/
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How many feminists does it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just sit there in the dark and blame men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94d11k/how_many_feminists_does_it_takes_to_screw_in_a/
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I regret telling people that I want a lover that's faithful.

Now my priest won't leave me the fuck alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94cyrw/i_regret_telling_people_that_i_want_a_lover_thats/
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Brass Section

I've been told different instruments are played better if you have more control over certain parts of your body.
Tubas are played better by those who have more lung control and breathing practice.
Baritones are played better by those with quick and precise tongues.
French Horns are played by those with strong lips.
Trombones are played by powerful diaphragms.
And Trumpets are played by assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94cyiq/brass_section/
%
Some people are really good at blow jobs...

... but I just suck at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94cy3y/some_people_are_really_good_at_blow_jobs/
%
Did you hear about the mime that hung himself at the Trump Rally?

He's fine. It was just Fake Noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94cvqz/did_you_hear_about_the_mime_that_hung_himself_at/
%
"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?
"Bond Name's the james"
Are you alright?
"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94cpc6/the_bonds_name_james_name/
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To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you,  and I will kill you
Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ck5b/to_the_guy_who_hacked_my_reddit_account/
%
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married..

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94chcz/my_son_wanted_to_know_what_its_like_to_be_married/
%
Police officer calls his sergeant

Police Officer: Hey Sgt. We are at a murder scene where wife stabbed her husband 10 times because he walked into the kitchen while she was mopping.
Sgt: Is suspect in custody!
Police Officer: No sir, the floor is still wet!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94cgpv/police_officer_calls_his_sergeant/
%
Who's the coolest man in the hospital?

The hip replacement guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94cgg6/whos_the_coolest_man_in_the_hospital/
%
I have many jokes about unemployed people...

...sadly none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94cfdz/i_have_many_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
Porn is really ruining our children...

My son used to want to be a doctor or a lawyer, now only wants to grow up to be a pizza man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94cbgl/porn_is_really_ruining_our_children/
%
What's the hardest thing about growing up Christian in Alabama?

You don't know which father is going to give it to you first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94caii/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_growing_up/
%
I don't see what's the big deal about driverless cars.

Every parking lot is full of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94c7al/i_dont_see_whats_the_big_deal_about_driverless/
%
Why do bees huddle together all winter?

‘Swarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94c5x6/why_do_bees_huddle_together_all_winter/
%
Your intestines are 6.5 m long, that means that if you'd line them up next to a bus...

...you'd die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94c36q/your_intestines_are_65_m_long_that_means_that_if/
%
A girl meets a guy at the donation clinic.

He asks her, "So what are you donating today?". She replies, "I'm giving blood, I get $25 for it! What are you here for?". He smiles and says "Oh I'm donating semen. I get $150 for it." The girl is shocked and outraged. The next month, the same guy sees the same girl and asks, "Oh you here giving blood again?". She turns around and he notices her cheeks are completely full. She shakes her head side to side and moans a muffled "Nuh uh".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94c1p8/a_girl_meets_a_guy_at_the_donation_clinic/
%
Do you know how to avoid stolen jokes?

Obviously not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94bzv6/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_stolen_jokes/
%
What's the difference between flirting and sexual harassment?

Whether or not the woman finds the man attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94bzfp/whats_the_difference_between_flirting_and_sexual/
%
The hardest part about my grandmothers death?

Making it look like an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94bsl3/the_hardest_part_about_my_grandmothers_death/
%
For construction workers

did you know that if you hold your hardhat up to your ear, you can hear OSHA?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94brdk/for_construction_workers/
%
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge

When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94brbd/a_physics_teacher_is_about_to_jump_off_a_high/
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What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?

Someone who comes to your house and tells YOU to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94bkl8/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_jehovahs_witness/
%
When does snow become a boat?

When it’s a drift!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94bbvs/when_does_snow_become_a_boat/
%
There are 3 helicopter pilots...

One has an apple, one has a banana, and one has a hand grenade. The first pilot doesn't want his apple so he throws it out the window, the second pilot doesn't want his banana so he throws it out the window, and the third pilot doesn't want his hand grenade, so he throws it out the window. When the first pilot lands, he finds a little girl crying and he asks "why are you crying?" The little girl replies, "I was just standing here and an apple fell out of the sky and hit me in the head!" When the second pilot lands, he finds a little boy crying and he asks "why are you crying?" The little boy replies, "I was just standing here and an banana fell out of the sky and hit me in the head!" When the third pilot lands, he finds a little boy laughing and he asks "what are you laughing about?" The little boy replies, "I farted and something exploded behind me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94bbk6/there_are_3_helicopter_pilots/
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Any thoughts why?

I thought that opening doors for ladies is a polite thing, but when I o'ened one up for this grandma she started shouting and flew out of the plane for some reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94b88u/any_thoughts_why/
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How much does it cost to see Harry Potter fly a broomstick?

About a Quid each.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94b7zo/how_much_does_it_cost_to_see_harry_potter_fly_a/
%
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

It was soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94b7nk/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
%
Remember, no matter how down you're feeling, you matter

Unless you times your mass by the speed of light squared - then you energy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94b6tv/remember_no_matter_how_down_youre_feeling_you/
%
What does an alien use to pay for coffee?

Starbucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94b69v/what_does_an_alien_use_to_pay_for_coffee/
%
When I was young I thought Urethra and Penis were same.

As an adult I learned that there’s a vas defrens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94b3yu/when_i_was_young_i_thought_urethra_and_penis_were/
%
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have...

Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94b3io/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_nickel_i_have/
%
Conversations are like farts...

... if it's forced, it's probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94b3gz/conversations_are_like_farts/
%
You know, vore jokes aren't for everyone...

But if you find the right crowd, they'll eat them up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94b2k9/you_know_vore_jokes_arent_for_everyone/
%
What do you call a communist revolution that failed due to poor word choice?

A miss-commune-ication

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94aw23/what_do_you_call_a_communist_revolution_that/
%
How do you get from North Korea to South Korea?

Run-DMZ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94avlj/how_do_you_get_from_north_korea_to_south_korea/
%
Why are writers really good at coding?

Because they are really into Pro grammar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94aqb4/why_are_writers_really_good_at_coding/
%
Why can't melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94aov5/why_cant_melons_get_married/
%
What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ao5e/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
%
It's better to be knocked down and held up

than held down and knocked up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94akn8/its_better_to_be_knocked_down_and_held_up/
%
My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug.

Turns out my dog licked my sample.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94akef/my_dna_results_came_back_39_german_27_irish_19/
%
A naked man ran past two old ladies

one had a stroke, the other missed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ak48/a_naked_man_ran_past_two_old_ladies/
%
The man who cross breeds labradors and poodles will be adequate for the job at hand.

The labradoodle dude'll do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94ad79/the_man_who_cross_breeds_labradors_and_poodles/
%
She told me "nobody is home. You should come over"

I went over, and nobody was home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94a7j2/she_told_me_nobody_is_home_you_should_come_over/
%
I love taking a Hepatitis test

I always get an A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94a4zq/i_love_taking_a_hepatitis_test/
%
I hate people who mix up 'there', 'their' and 'they're'.

It's worse than not knowing the difference between your left and write.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94a4bu/i_hate_people_who_mix_up_there_their_and_theyre/
%
I compare my last relationship to Forrest Gump and Jenny

I was retarded and she was a whore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94a3cu/i_compare_my_last_relationship_to_forrest_gump/
%
I hate disappointing people in general. So instead of telling my boss I’m gonna quit...

I’ve been tweeting homophobic and racist epithets for 8 months now, but sadly I’m still here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94a30c/i_hate_disappointing_people_in_general_so_instead/
%
Seagull poop (longish)

{From my childhood - no idea who to credit}
A man is sitting at the bar alone when suddenly, in walks a pirate.
The whole place goes quiet as the pirate walks to the counter.
He orders a drink and noticed the man is staring at him, eyes wide.
The pirate says, "What ye looking at me fer boy?"
The man says, "Well sir, I've never met a pirate before."
P:"Well then, ask me anyt'ing ya want lad!"
M:"Really?! Okay! Well, how'd you lose your hand sir?"
P:"The legendary croc, Big Mouth Bernard bit it clean off! Hurt like the Dickens!"
M:"Wow! Well, is that how you got that peg leg, too?"
P:"Lord no! That was done by tha cursed white whale! A story fer another time."
M:"Oh my, that's terrible! So uh... How'd you get the eye patch?"
P:"Well I was on the deck, looking out at the horizon, and a seagull pooped in me eye."
M:"Wait you lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?"
P:"You don't understand mate. It was the first day I had me hook!"
{Credit where credit is due, no idea who the source is.}

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949yoz/seagull_poop_longish/
%
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the parking lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949yf4/my_wife_just_gave_birth_today_and_after_thanking/
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Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older

Me "when I what? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949vax/them_dont_you_think_youll_feel_embarrassed_by_all/
%
My life is like a box of chocolates

I don't have a box of chocolates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949u7z/my_life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm

I'm now the CIEIO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949s6m/just_got_a_job_as_senior_director_at_old/
%
All this talk of trade wars...

It’s just Tariffying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949rh7/all_this_talk_of_trade_wars/
%
How is a piano like a stick shift?

They both have three pedals, and most people only know what two of them do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949qu6/how_is_a_piano_like_a_stick_shift/
%
I taught my young daugther to switch out the discs in my PS4 for me.

It was a real game changer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949qld/i_taught_my_young_daugther_to_switch_out_the/
%
What is the worst present for a person with Alzheimer?

A boomerang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949od6/what_is_the_worst_present_for_a_person_with/
%
I heard Steve Irwin has his own line of sunscreen...

It’s supposed to block the rays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949muk/i_heard_steve_irwin_has_his_own_line_of_sunscreen/
%
Why do quantum computers make terrible community leaders?

Because you're never totally sure what values they hold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949lt7/why_do_quantum_computers_make_terrible_community/
%
I tired to impress a girl by putting the pedal to the metal

But she'd seen transhcans open like that before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949kxw/i_tired_to_impress_a_girl_by_putting_the_pedal_to/
%
I never really liked those Russian Matryoshka dolls

They’re always so damn full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949izy/i_never_really_liked_those_russian_matryoshka/
%
Yo mamma so fat

That Thanos had to clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949hk5/yo_mamma_so_fat/
%
Moses must have been an asshole

He leads the Israelites through the desert for 40 Years just to bring them to the only part of the Middle East without oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949f79/moses_must_have_been_an_asshole/
%
Germany can't start the next world war,

because three Reich's and you're out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949e5s/germany_cant_start_the_next_world_war/
%
Did you see the movie about the x^2’s journey to become 2x?

It was really derivative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949c6s/did_you_see_the_movie_about_the_x2s_journey_to/
%
Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?

Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/949c2c/why_dont_blondes_like_making_koolaid/
%
I just found out I'm colourblind.

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94995i/i_just_found_out_im_colourblind/
%
I hate it when I get an erection during a prostate exam

and then they find out I'm not a real doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9497jg/i_hate_it_when_i_get_an_erection_during_a/
%
Donald Trump dies and goes to hell.

Donald Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do,"  says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you.
But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have  to take their place.  I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing  empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a  room full of rocks. All he did was swing  that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented  Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump  saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and  his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can  handle this."
The Devil smiled and said,
"Monica, you're free to go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94962y/donald_trump_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
When my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I winked.

She bought me eye drops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9490yq/when_my_wife_asked_me_what_i_wanted_for_my/
%
Insurance companies are warning

Campers if you get your tent stolen in the middle of the night, you won't be covered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9490db/insurance_companies_are_warning/
%
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore...

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948yi5/i_cant_see_an_end_i_have_no_control_and_i_dont/
%
Why blind people hates skydiving?

It scares the crap out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948yeq/why_blind_people_hates_skydiving/
%
How did Vader know what he was getting for Father's day?

He felt Luke's presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948y3f/how_did_vader_know_what_he_was_getting_for/
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To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948wkc/to_the_guy_who_stole_my_weight_loss_pills/
%
I used to have two kidneys

Now I have two adult knees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948vqw/i_used_to_have_two_kidneys/
%
You can always trust a pornstar who’s doing anal

Because you know she isn’t full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948vo0/you_can_always_trust_a_pornstar_whos_doing_anal/
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Farmer Bill goes into a bar and is greeted by the bartender.

Joe:  "Hey bill, what’s up? You look awful"
Bill: "Oh it's really bad. I don't wanna talk about it."
Joe:  "Come on. You know you can tell me anything."
Bill: "No, there are things you just CAN'T explain."
Bill talks a little more to Joe and after two beer he finally tells his story.
Bill: "You know my cow Bertha. She’s always so stubborn."
Joe: "Oh yes, that cow is a bitch."
Bill: "So this morning I go into her stable to milk her. Just when I sit down on my milking stool she kicks it away and I fall on the floor."
Joe: "Okay, that happens"
Bill: "I reach on the board above me, take a calving rope and tie her leg up. But just as I want to sit down again she kicks my milking stool with her other leg. This time I almost break my neck."
Joe: "So that’s why you are upset. Does it hurt that much?"
Bill: "No, let's talk about something else. There are things you just CAN'T explain."
A beer later Joe convinces Bill to continue with his story.
Bill: "Okay, so Bertha kicked the milking stool a second time. I get up, reach on the board above me, take a calving rope and tie her second leg up."
Joe: "So her back is basically hovering?"
Bill, with tears in his eyes: "Yes! You know what? There are things you just..."
Joe: "...CAN'T explain. I understand. Please try anyway."
Bill: "So, Bertha is hovering in front of me. And just as I reach for the milking stool she slaps me in the face with her tail."
Joe: "That sounds just like Bertha. But we both know you love her anyway."
Bill, with a death glare: "I do NOT love her! Anyways, I get up, reach on the board above me, no calving rope left. I take my belt, tie her tail up, my pants drop, my wife comes in ... there are things you just CAN'T explain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948ujq/farmer_bill_goes_into_a_bar_and_is_greeted_by_the/
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You know you are ugly when..

You get handed the camera everytime they make a group photo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948thy/you_know_you_are_ugly_when/
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Do you know about mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948r9z/do_you_know_about_mathematician_who_is_afraid_of/
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What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948qzd/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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An Alabama girl sees her mother showering

. She sees her tits and asks: "Mom, what is that on your chest?"
The mother says: "Nothing important sweetie, you'll get them too when you are older!"
Later in the day, she sees her father showering. She sees her dad's dick and asks: "What's that between your legs, dad?"
The father says: "I can't tell you right now!"
The girl asks: "Will I get it when I'm older?"
The father replies: "You can get it now if you stay quiet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948qq9/an_alabama_girl_sees_her_mother_showering/
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Vegan girls never moan during sex

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat gave them such pleasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948qmg/vegan_girls_never_moan_during_sex/
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The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948pns/the_american_government_is_just_like_a_car/
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It was my son’s birthday. So I took 4 of his friends out for a burger and a movie.

They had a great time. He would have loved it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948o8l/it_was_my_sons_birthday_so_i_took_4_of_his/
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Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence...

...often goes undetected...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948n02/accordion_to_a_recent_survey_replacing_words_with/
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A drunk man goes into a restaurtant

. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him again: "Sorry sir, I already told you. We don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man leaves again, comes back 20 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter shouts at him: "Get out of here now! I told you 2 times already: WE DON'T SERVE DRUNK PEOPLE!"
The man asks him: "Dude, is there a restaurant you don't work at?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948mnc/a_drunk_man_goes_into_a_restaurtant/
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Why did Minnie hang up the phone on Mickey?

She was feeling Goofy at the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948kzg/why_did_minnie_hang_up_the_phone_on_mickey/
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I made a website for orphans...

It doesn't have a homepage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948jw5/i_made_a_website_for_orphans/
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Maybe its an XF?

A Lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that his fork is missing,
he goes to elephant and asks "Have you seen my fork?"
Elephant replies: "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."
Elephant: "Sorry, I haven't seen it, try mouse."
So the Lion goes to the mouse and asks "Have you seen my fork?"
Mouse: "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."
Mouse: "Sorry mate, I've not seen it, try croc."
So the lion proceeds to the crocodile and asks "Have you seen my fork?"
Croc: "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."
Croc: "Sorry I've not seen it, try Jaguar."
So the lion goes to Jaguar and asks "Have you seen my fork?"
Jaguar: "Of course, I ate it."
Lion: "Why did you do that?"
Jaguar: "Well I'm a four point tool eater Jaguar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948jai/maybe_its_an_xf/
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Honest Confession

This is long, have patience and read it without skipping to the end! :D
A confession in a Facebook page read :
"My sister is a hottie."
Wow... okay, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but it's late and I am sleep deprived so I guess I'll write it now and regret it in the morning.
First of all - just for some background : My mom died right when I was born, She was really really hot, but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever... I actually grew up with my dad's family because my dad had all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kinda messed up!
Anyway, growing up, I feel like there was always a lot of distance between my sister and I. When I was about 17 or 18, I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.
I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me but I thought she was so beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. My dad's family with whom I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it.
So, I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having trouble with the law, and was actually in custody when I left home. My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, It's still pretty messed up - but I think she had feelings for me too, she actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly!
After we left, we all went to crash with my sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my sister and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister-  I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.
Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I am not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time!
My friend and my sister never hooked up - I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery, my sister came to see me, and out of the blue she started giving me this awesome slow passionate kiss on the lips.
Sadly, nothing came of it. We spent some time apart and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way.  It was actually going really well for a long time and I thought I was totally over her. But I have to say, Like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh...
A little while later, she actually wound up with my friend from before. I can't say I was surprised.
But even after she was shackling up with my friend, there was this one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed  the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him...
\- Luke
Tl;dr - Sister hottie, got with friend. Brother dun angered papa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948imn/honest_confession/
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My wife just stopped and asked me if I was listening

I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948i9j/my_wife_just_stopped_and_asked_me_if_i_was/
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Drinking alcohol-free beer..

..is like giving oral sex to your sister. The taste is the same, but deep inside, you know that something is terribly wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948f84/drinking_alcoholfree_beer/
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A wife goes on a retreat for work...

A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her. Furious, she questions her husband. The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!" So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her. Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't even wear panties just ask your husband!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948ai0/a_wife_goes_on_a_retreat_for_work/
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A husband and wife were golfing when...

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/948afy/a_husband_and_wife_were_golfing_when/
%
A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9489vf/a_man_walks_past_a_sign_reading_tits_10_each/
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I gave this lady a sip of my lemonade last night and she fell in love with me.

I schwepped her off her feet. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9484go/i_gave_this_lady_a_sip_of_my_lemonade_last_night/
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Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in Equality

And then I wait for the next bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9480gy/whenever_i_see_a_woman_driving_a_bus_i_smile_and/
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A chicken walks into a library...

...goes up to the desk and says "Bok." The librarian hesitates for a bit, but hands the chicken a book. Looking satisfied, the chicken walks out.
The next day, the chicken comes back, returning the book. Then it says "Bok. Bok. Boook." The librarian is amazed how quickly the chicken read the book, so he gives it three more.
The next day, the chicken comes back again, returns all three books and goes "Bok. Bok. Bok. Bok. Bok." "Wow", thinks the librarian, "what an astoundingly well-read chicken." So he gives the chicken five books, but this time follows it in secret to see just how quickly the chicken reads the books.
He manages to follow the chicken to a tiny, tiny hut, where a frog lays in bed, apparently sick. The chicken walks up to the frog and shows him the books, to which the frog replies. "Read it. Read it. Read it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947y90/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
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My dick was in the Guinness Book of World records.....

until the librarian asked me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947x8h/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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How does NASA get away with murder?

They planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947wwr/how_does_nasa_get_away_with_murder/
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Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Its ok. i can handle it.

Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947vb4/dentist_this_is_gonna_hurt_a_little_me_its_ok_i/
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Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.

It was delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947rd2/two_days_into_my_diet_i_removed_all_the_junk_food/
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What is a difference between wife and a witch?

5 years of marriage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947q8y/what_is_a_difference_between_wife_and_a_witch/
%
Edna and the Post Office

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about..
The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947nws/edna_and_the_post_office/
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What do you call it when touching iron or copper makes you break out in hives?

A metallurgy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947j7z/what_do_you_call_it_when_touching_iron_or_copper/
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What happened to the plant in math class?

They grew square roots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947j6v/what_happened_to_the_plant_in_math_class/
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I was told I could talk about gametes here and get gold..

But I don't really know if sex cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947ic1/i_was_told_i_could_talk_about_gametes_here_and/
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A politically incorrect joke about language

Investors want to make a holiday resort on an uninhabited island. They hire 3 experts to get life going there.
To the Frenchman they say, "you are in charge of cuisine".
To the German they say, "you are in charge of accommodation".
To the Finn they say, "you are in charge of supplies."
They come to survey in a while. The Frenchman has built a restaurant with excellent food. The German has built a fancy hotel. But the Finn is nowhere to be found. They ask the others, but they don't know where he is either. So they go look for him and while walking in the woods the Finn suddenly jumps out from behind a tree and shouts, "SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947hlh/a_politically_incorrect_joke_about_language/
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My mother told me that losers don't deserve to be commended.

So, naturally, I took down the confederate flag from the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947hat/my_mother_told_me_that_losers_dont_deserve_to_be/
%
Let me tell you a clean joke. Johny took a bath with bubbles.

Now let me tell you a dirty joke. Bubbles is his neighbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947ehy/let_me_tell_you_a_clean_joke_johny_took_a_bath/
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Two abusive orderlies are escorting a rowdy patient to a padded cell. [LONG]

"You know, not even once since you've been admitted here have you ever spent any time outside these rooms. You're a pain in the ass and it's time you learn a lesson" Says one of the orderlies.
The orderlies then begin punching and kicking the patient with no remorse, punch after punch, kick after kick, each of them landing on vital organs or the head.
They pause for a while to check so they don't kill the patient. To their surprise the patient looks completely unharmed and is even laughing.
They once again begin beating the patient with renewed vigor after being laughed at.
They pause again after a while to see the patient still unharmed and still laughing.
"How come you're completely unharmed you freak? Every cell in your body should hurt by now!"
The patient answers, still laughing; "It's really no problem for me, all my cells are padded."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947du2/two_abusive_orderlies_are_escorting_a_rowdy/
%
My next door neighbor knocked on my door at 2am

wearing nothing but a see through night-gown, asked to borrow a cup of sugar, winked, and tried to invite me over for coffee.
"Fuck off, Dave. I have to work in 6 hours." I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947dax/my_next_door_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_at_2am/
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I went to the doctor’s today and they told me I had the body of an athlete today

Or at least the feet of one. But hey, you got to start somewhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947bn6/i_went_to_the_doctors_today_and_they_told_me_i/
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I'm about to be fired from a Sublime cover band...

I don't practice Santeria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/947b0o/im_about_to_be_fired_from_a_sublime_cover_band/
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Today my kids cried like mad when I put ginger in the curry.

They fucking loved that cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9478rw/today_my_kids_cried_like_mad_when_i_put_ginger_in/
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Although he did terrible things, Hitler

did manage to kill Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9476nc/although_he_did_terrible_things_hitler/
%
A vegan and an atheist walk into a bar...

I know because they told everyone immediately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94727r/a_vegan_and_an_atheist_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why did the bike fall over?

It was too tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/946zl5/why_did_the_bike_fall_over/
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If black panther took place in Mexico, the name of the protagonist would be..

T’Cholo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/946wdi/if_black_panther_took_place_in_mexico_the_name_of/
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Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/946uii/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
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What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a married couple?

A lightbulb actually gets turned on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/946pj7/whats_the_difference_between_a_lightbulb_and_a/
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If someone kills their self by jumping down a manhole...

Is it sewercide?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/946n6d/if_someone_kills_their_self_by_jumping_down_a/
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What do you call protein with attitude?

A mean-o acid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/946lsc/what_do_you_call_protein_with_attitude/
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A Chinese man visits the doctor

His hands are covered in severe burns from a cooking accident.
The man says, "I know it's bad, doctor, but how bad is it?"
The doctor replies, "I'm afraid you'll never wok again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/946je3/a_chinese_man_visits_the_doctor/
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What is it called when a short person waives at you?

A microwave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/946cfu/what_is_it_called_when_a_short_person_waives_at/
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Buying a motorcycle...

This guy decides to buy a motorcycle. He looks all through the newspapers and online for the best deal and after a little searching he finds this amazing deal! The bike is a little older but it is in perfect condition, no scrapes or dents, the chrome pieces shine like new, and the leather seat looks like it hasn’t aged a day. He is stoked!! He tells the guy that he will buy the motorcycle under one condition, “Tell me how you keep it so nice and clean” he says. To which the gentleman agrees and pulls out a can of Vaseline, then proceeds to tell him “it sounds weird but every time it looks like it is about to rain I rub this Vaseline over the entire bike.” The guy buying the bike tells him “that does sound weird but if it works then I’ll do it!” So the guy buys the bike and rides it and puts Vaseline on it before rains, to his surprise it works.
A few months go by and the guy is invited to meet his girlfriends parents since their relationship is getting more serious. So they ride the bike over to the parents for supper and before they go in the girlfriend stops him and says “honey, my family is a little on the crazy side, the first person to talk at dinner has to do the dishes.” “That does sound crazy but I’m not doing any fucking dishes,” he responds. So once they get in everyone sits down and just like his girlfriend said, no one says a damn word. So a little after halfway through dinner, still nothing, no one has said a word or made a sound. He’s thinking to himself “I’m not doing any dishes, I bet I can get them to talk.” So he starts making out with his girlfriend, still nothing, her parents didn’t bat an eye and they just kept eating. He starts groping her wondering how far he has to take it before someone speaks up, still no one says a word. So he starts fucking her right there at the dinner table, really knocking it out! STILL NOTHING! No one says a thing, so after a couple minutes he looks at the mom who is also very beautiful and looking good and starts making out with her and groping her, still nothing! “Unbelievable” he thinks! So he starts fucking the mom right there at the dinner table. His girlfriend and her dad act as though nothing is happening even though they obviously see everything, they are silent... After several minutes of fucking the mom he looks outside and sees that it looks like it might rain so he grabs his can of Vaseline and without missing a beet the dad stands up and screams “ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I’LL DO THE DISHES!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/946c86/buying_a_motorcycle/
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Do you know why they don’t play poker in the jungle?

Because there’s too many cheetahs.  I’m not lion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/946b27/do_you_know_why_they_dont_play_poker_in_the_jungle/
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When I was in middle school, I was kidnapped by a terrorist organization.

Al-gebra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/945uc6/when_i_was_in_middle_school_i_was_kidnapped_by_a/
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A small Japanese town has only two literature teachers, Ishu and Takashiro

One day Ishu falls ill and asks Takashiro to teach his classes for the week. Ishu had planned to give a surprise assessment tomorrow but hadn’t finished writing the questions, so he asks Takashiro to finish them for him.
Ishu miraculously gets better the day after the assessment. He’s still on leave but he tells Takashiro he’ll grade the papers anyways as thanks for having his back.
Ishu reads the papers and is confused.
“Takashiro-san, why is this in Spanish? Why didn’t you write the assessment problems in Japanese?”
“It was a surprise assessment, and nobody expects the Spanish in quiz, Ishu-san.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/945ubh/a_small_japanese_town_has_only_two_literature/
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Where did the stalker go when he took multiple gunshot wounds to the abdomen?

The ICU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/945rlo/where_did_the_stalker_go_when_he_took_multiple/
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Say “El Mundo” to a Hispanic you know...

It would mean the world to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/945njr/say_el_mundo_to_a_hispanic_you_know/
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Hey girl

if you were a fruit you'd
be a fineapple
And if you were a vegetable l'd
visit you everyday in the
hospital

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/945n2q/hey_girl/
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What do you call a chameleon that can't change color?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/945l2k/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_that_cant_change/
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Did you hear about the father who became a woman and disappeared?

He was transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/945ksr/did_you_hear_about_the_father_who_became_a_woman/
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When someone says "rape jokes aren't funny"

I don't care - it's not like I asked for their consent anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/945k7m/when_someone_says_rape_jokes_arent_funny/
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My optometrist says I'm colorblind.

I should have realized it a long time ago...  I mean, there were green flags everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/945jl4/my_optometrist_says_im_colorblind/
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What's better than flowers on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/945hx2/whats_better_than_flowers_on_your_piano/
%
Life is like a dick...

Sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/945e0m/life_is_like_a_dick/
%
Q: Why did the fourteen year old Mexican girl get pregnant?

A: Her teacher told her to do an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9455yl/q_why_did_the_fourteen_year_old_mexican_girl_get/
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What did the stick man say after he fell on his side?

ok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9454qk/what_did_the_stick_man_say_after_he_fell_on_his/
%
What do you call a shuriken that never hits the right target?

An unsure-iken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9451f1/what_do_you_call_a_shuriken_that_never_hits_the/
%
Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw...

A jigsaw is a great coping mechanism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/944x6s/whenever_i_get_stressed_out_i_cut_shapes_out_of/
%
My stoner buddy just rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook.

He is now high on my list of priorities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/944vy4/my_stoner_buddy_just_rolled_a_joint_using_a_page/
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The Physics Student

Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an
examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for her answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed she should be given a perfect score and would, if the system were not set up against the student. The
instructor and the student agreed to submit this to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected.
I went to my colleague’s office, and read the examination question: “Show how it is possible to determine the height
of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.”
The student had answered, “Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower the
barometer to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is equal to the
height of the building.”
I pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full credit, since she had answered the question completely
and correctly. On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade for the student in her
physics course. A high grade is supposed to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. I
suggested that the student have another try at answering the question. I was not surprised that my colleague agreed,
but I was surprised that the student did.
I gave the student six minutes to answer the question, with the warning that her answer should show some
knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, she had not written anything. I asked if she wished to give up, but
she said no. She had many answers to this problem; she was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for
interrupting her and asked her to please go on. In the next minute, she dashed off her answer which read: “Take the
barometer to the top of the tall building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a
stopwatch. Then, using the formula S = 1/2 at2, calculate the height of the building.”
At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and I gave the student almost full credit.
On leaving my colleague’s office, I recalled that the student had said she had other answers to the problem, so I
asked her what they were. “Oh yes,” said the student. “there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building
with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height
of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of a simple
proportion, determine the height of the building.”
“Fine,” I said. “And the others?”
“Yes,” said the student. “Here is a very basic method of measurement that you will like. In this method, you take the
barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the
wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units. A very
direct method.
“Of course, if you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a
pendulum, and determine the value of ‘g’ at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference
between the two values of ‘g,’ the height of the building can, in principle, be calculated.”
Finally, she concluded, there are many other ways of solving the problem. “Probably the best,” she said, “is to take
the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent’s door. When he answers, you speak to him as
follows: “Mr. Superintendent, here I have a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of this building, I will give you
this barometer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/944s9b/the_physics_student/
%
"Hey Caesar, what's the date?"

"8/2, Brute"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/944r27/hey_caesar_whats_the_date/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/944pgw/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
I am like the perfect day...

Not too hot and not too cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/944n9w/i_am_like_the_perfect_day/
%
The Titanic sank 103 years ago.

Making it the only thing your mom didn't go down on!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/944n7v/the_titanic_sank_103_years_ago/
%
I've always had trouble connecting with people...

Even as a child my imaginary friend would ditch me to play with the kid across the street

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/944mx8/ive_always_had_trouble_connecting_with_people/
%
Why are dwarves always laughing.

Their balls are being tickled by the grass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/944jyi/why_are_dwarves_always_laughing/
%
Hitlers suicide

A man is sitting next to his jewish wife and decided to tell a joke:
Man: why did Hitler kill himself?
Woman: I don't know. Why did he?
Man: He saw the gas bill!
Woman: agh that is so insensitive.
Man: I know...My grand father died in the Holocaust.
Woman: awww that's so sad.
Man: yeah. He fell off the guard tower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/944dod/hitlers_suicide/
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How many grammar nazis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9445ii/how_many_grammar_nazis_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.
As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:
"Was that really necessary? He came along gentle as a lamb."
The psychiatrist frowns and replies:
"This place is run rationally, with efficiency, everbody gets exactly what they need: the depressives get prozac, the manic depressives get lithium, the schizophrenics get chlorpromazine and the catatonics get ECT."
"And what about people with conditions there's no treatment for; psychopaths and narcissists?"
The psychiatrist smiles and says
"Oh, we get a job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94447c/long_two_cops_lead_an_unfortunate_man_into_a/
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Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...

The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.
Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hanged for his crimes.
Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.
Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?
"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.
Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.
He replies: "Fake noose."
____
Edited *hung* to *hanged.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94411k/donald_trump_is_standing_in_the_gallows/
%
An english man, an irish man and a scottish man are running away from the police.

They find 3 sacks and hide in them. The police man approaches the sacks and kicks the first one. The English man barks like a dog. The police man kicks the next one and the Scottish man screams like a cat. The policeman kicks the last one left and the Irish man says "sack of potatoes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943z8x/an_english_man_an_irish_man_and_a_scottish_man/
%
My uncle was caught having sex with sheep at a petting zoo and he just escaped from prison.

Now he’s on the lam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943y1a/my_uncle_was_caught_having_sex_with_sheep_at_a/
%
Wives seem to love this one

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943vvb/wives_seem_to_love_this_one/
%
What is your biggest regret in life?

Not understanding how subreddits work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943rl0/what_is_your_biggest_regret_in_life/
%
Two Irishmen are driving in a car

Paddy turns to Paddy and says: "Hey Paddy, can you check if the indicator is working?"
Paddy leans out of the window and shouts: "YES! no. YES! no. YES! no."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943rcc/two_irishmen_are_driving_in_a_car/
%
What were the hung man’s last words?

“What’s the big deal? Your sister had no problem taking it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943qg8/what_were_the_hung_mans_last_words/
%
My girlfriend came out of the shower...

She said, “I shaved my pussy, do you know what that means?”
I said, “Yeah, the fucking drain is clogged.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943q6t/my_girlfriend_came_out_of_the_shower/
%
I tried playing my Demi Lovato record today

But the needle kept getting stuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943p93/i_tried_playing_my_demi_lovato_record_today/
%
A Pirate walks into a bar

(The funniest joke my friend told me, hope it hasn't been posted here before)
A Pirate enters a bar and goes to the bartender to ask for a drink.
The bartender eyes the pirate and asks him how he ended up looking like that.
"Ah you must mean the peg-leg, me lad. 'Tis a fine tale where I fought the dreaded kraken in the Bermuda. It started dragging me under so I had to cut off me own leg with me cutlass."
The bartender shook his head, "No actually, I was wondering about-"
"Oh ho, so me eyepatch has caught your interest, has it? That was from a harrowing adventure where me and me crew took on the dreaded Blackbeard and made him scurry away with his tail between his legs. During that duel he took me eye out before running away."
The bartender shook his head again, "Those are some really interesting stories but what's got my attention the most is the steering wheel attached to your crotch."
The Pirate gets visibly upset and says to the bartender, "Arrr, why is that the only thing people ever ask me about any more, It's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943mcj/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do trains eat?

Chew Chew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943lur/how_do_trains_eat/
%
If you donate a kidney your'e a hero

If you donate five you get arrested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943jts/if_you_donate_a_kidney_youre_a_hero/
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My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen

Once it started to burn, I met so many!  I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943h8c/my_friends_suggested_i_use_tinder_to_meet_some/
%
"Mommy, why are you pushing the car over the cliff?"

"Be quiet Timmy!", retorts the mother "You'll wake up Daddy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943h0j/mommy_why_are_you_pushing_the_car_over_the_cliff/
%
I divorced my wife and bought a horse...

I'm finally in a stable relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943eop/i_divorced_my_wife_and_bought_a_horse/
%
Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943e1c/bless_me_father_for_i_have_sinned/
%
Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out."
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple. "You can get married in Heaven!"
"Great! But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!", St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/943axv/getting_married_in_heaven/
%
If we isolated all the worlds criminals on an island for a hundred years what would they say if we met them again

G'day mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9436ns/if_we_isolated_all_the_worlds_criminals_on_an/
%
Son: Mommy, will you give me a dollar if if behave?

Mother: Why can't you be good for nothing like your father?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9431xy/son_mommy_will_you_give_me_a_dollar_if_if_behave/
%
What did the fish say when he hit the wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/942s67/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_hit_the_wall/
%
The Mayor of a large Russian town is invited to stay with the Mayor of an American town

The two men drink expensive beer and spirits and wine all day, then all the next day and the next until they've drunk non-stop for two weeks.
So the Russian man says: "Ron, we've been drinking for two weeks, how can you possibly be able to pay for this?"
The American points out of the window and replies: "See that bridge over there, Boris? There is a toll booth on that bridge so that everyone that crosses must pay. Every day that makes me hundreds. That is how I can pay for all this alcohol."
A couple of weeks later Boris invites Ronald to stay with him. Again, the two men drink for a long long time. 1 week, then 2 then a month, then 2 months pass.
Ron asks:" Boris, we've been drinking for 2 months straight, how can you pay for all this?"
Boris points out of the window and replies: "See that bridge out there?"
Ron looks, "No" he says
"Exactly" , says Boris

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/942s5s/the_mayor_of_a_large_russian_town_is_invited_to/
%
What rock group has 4 men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/942o5b/what_rock_group_has_4_men_that_dont_sing/
%
Placebos

Turns out I'm addicted to placebos.  I thought I could quit any time, but then withdrawal made me psychosomatic and gave me hypochondria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/942lbk/placebos/
%
My car has no self-confidence.

It's been self-depreciating since the moment I took it off the lot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/942kr8/my_car_has_no_selfconfidence/
%
My Husband is pretty good in the kitchen

But I get less of a backache in bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/942gc4/my_husband_is_pretty_good_in_the_kitchen/
%
We should have known Communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9427nd/we_should_have_known_communism_would_fail/
%
Official Rules for Indoor Golf

(an oldie, but a goodie)
1.  Each player will furnish his own equipment for play; normally, one club and two balls.
2.  Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3.  Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.
4.  Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft before play begins.
5.  For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
6.  Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length or girth of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
7.  The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
8.  It is usually considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced player will normally admire the entire course with special attention paid to well formed bunkers.
9.  Players are cautioned not to mention any other course that they have played, or currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
10.  Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, especially on a different course being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to get irate
if they find someone else playing what they considered their own private course.
11.  Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is temporarily under repair, and the player is advised to use tact in this determination. More advanced players will find alternative means to play when this is the case.
12.  It is considered the outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same course hole several times in one match.
13.  Responsible indoor golfers always use a golf bag.
14.  Course owners shall be the sole judge of who is the best player.
15.  Players are not permitted to tee off on the back nine without the express permission of the course owner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/941xr7/official_rules_for_indoor_golf/
%
My ex wife still misses me...

...but her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/941nfu/my_ex_wife_still_misses_me/
%
Why don't chickens wear pants?

Because their pecker is on their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/941foi/why_dont_chickens_wear_pants/
%
If you work as a security guard in Samsung store....

Does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/941fi7/if_you_work_as_a_security_guard_in_samsung_store/
%
What does a burnt pizza , a frozen beer and a pregnant lady have in common?

One dumbass who forgets to pull out in time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/941cgh/what_does_a_burnt_pizza_a_frozen_beer_and_a/
%
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they Lactose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/941by2/do_you_know_why_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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Alcohol is bad

In a pub a man sees a blonde and sits next to her:
- Can I buy you a drink?
- No thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs.
- Oh, I'm sorry... Do they tend to swell?
- No, they tend to spread!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9417rf/alcohol_is_bad/
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What does a slutty horse wear on its hooves?

Whoreshoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9415n3/what_does_a_slutty_horse_wear_on_its_hooves/
%
I drove a bus at a street where the houses were numbered 64K,128K,256K,512K and 1MB

That was a trip down memory lane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94153v/i_drove_a_bus_at_a_street_where_the_houses_were/
%
It was really difficult to come to terms with the death of my ex.

But eventually the assassin and I agreed on a fee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94150r/it_was_really_difficult_to_come_to_terms_with_the/
%
How do you discipline a rock?

You hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/940xiy/how_do_you_discipline_a_rock/
%
I told my hairdresser a joke

She dyed laughing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/940uyv/i_told_my_hairdresser_a_joke/
%
What is the pink panther thinking when he walks into a strip club?

Tiddy - tiddy - tiddy, tiddy, tiddy, tiddy, tiddyyy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/940uwo/what_is_the_pink_panther_thinking_when_he_walks/
%
What do you call a drunk astronaut?

A kosmonaut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/940okm/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_astronaut/
%
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to grow a beard

At first he said no, and that he'll think about it.
But then it grew on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/940o3c/i_asked_my_boyfriend_if_he_wanted_to_grow_a_beard/
%
Stranger: “Bob? Is that short for Robert?”

Bobert: “No”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/940kxh/stranger_bob_is_that_short_for_robert/
%
To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Office - I will find you.

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/940kni/to_whomever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i/
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My first day as a drug dealer

Customer: “Hey, do you have any Morphine”
Me, aggressively rifling through my fanny pack: “I’m gonna be honest with you, I have no idea what Feen is.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/940jbl/my_first_day_as_a_drug_dealer/
%
Me: It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up.

Cop: That's not how sobriety tests work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/940fmx/me_its_not_how_many_times_you_fall_its_how_many/
%
I got a promotion at the farm

I'm the new CIEIO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/940but/i_got_a_promotion_at_the_farm/
%
Have you heard of the TV show about the airplane?

It sorta crashed and burned, but I think its because the pilot wasn't very good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/940a0g/have_you_heard_of_the_tv_show_about_the_airplane/
%
An Eskimo goes to the mechanic

the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." and the Eskimo says "No, that's just frost on my mustache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/94029n/an_eskimo_goes_to_the_mechanic/
%
My blind girlfriend and I just broke up.

We both decided that I should see other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zzus/my_blind_girlfriend_and_i_just_broke_up/
%
What do you call a Ghost without any Boo’s?

SOBER!
Note: (am Dad) I told this joke to my kids at Olive Garden last night, and an old lady made sure to let me know how corny it was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zytu/what_do_you_call_a_ghost_without_any_boos/
%
Churchbells

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zy59/churchbells/
%
Old groaner

Where did Noah keep the bees?
*In the Ark hives*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zv8y/old_groaner/
%
My mum asked me to hand out invitations for my younger sister’s surprise party...

...That's when I realised she’s the favourite twin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zv40/my_mum_asked_me_to_hand_out_invitations_for_my/
%
You all heard of alphabet soup! Prepare yourself for...

Times New Ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zueg/you_all_heard_of_alphabet_soup_prepare_yourself/
%
My mother is 102 years old and still doesn't need glasses

Yup you heard it. Drinks straight from the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zrkw/my_mother_is_102_years_old_and_still_doesnt_need/
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Oldie but still good...

This seems to fit here:
Some sub-par counterfeiters discovered that their latest run of bills were all $18 denominations. They realized that they couldn’t pass them off in the city so they headed out to the hinterlands to try and pass them off.
They stopped at a backwoods general store and asked the scruffy, gap toothed man behind the counter if he could make change for an $18 bill.
The old man took it and looked it over carefully.
“Sure. I can make change. Do you want two $9s or three $6s?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zrjr/oldie_but_still_good/
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Gender is a lot like the Twin Towers...

There used to be two of them, but now it's a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zqwg/gender_is_a_lot_like_the_twin_towers/
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I don't often tell Dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zofg/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
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I like my jokes how I like my coffee...

The same goddamn thing everyday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zlhj/i_like_my_jokes_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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Guess what?

Chicken butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zhpp/guess_what/
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Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?

Seems it's a story, that bear's repeating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zflh/did_you_hear_about_the_panda_that_had_a_slight/
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My teacher asked me to describe myself in one word

So I wrote, "not good at following directions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zea4/my_teacher_asked_me_to_describe_myself_in_one_word/
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How many cops does it take to push a man down the stairs?

None. He fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93zc1k/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_man_down_the/
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A synagogue is being audited by the IRS

The auditor was really eager to catch the Rabbi with wasting charity funds.
Auditor - what do you do with the candle drippings?
Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the candle company. Every once in a while, they send us back new candles.
Auditor - when you're finished eating your matza, what do you do with the crumbs?
Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the company and every once in a while, they send us back some matza meal.
Auditor - when you perform a circumcision, what do you do with the foreskin?
Rabbi - we collect them and send them back to Washington. Every once in a while they send us back an auditor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93z9vv/a_synagogue_is_being_audited_by_the_irs/
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What's the best thing about Japan?

I don't know, but their flag is spot on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93z8un/whats_the_best_thing_about_japan/
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I decided to stop calling the bathroom 'John' and renamed it 'Jim'.

I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93z4hk/i_decided_to_stop_calling_the_bathroom_john_and/
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What do you call a four-legged animal that's lost both of its hind legs?

A fore-legged animal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93z1c7/what_do_you_call_a_fourlegged_animal_thats_lost/
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If i had a dollar for every good joke posted on r/jokes...

... I'd have 2 dollars and a bunch of counterfeits.
Credit to u/maxline388

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93z02d/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_good_joke_posted_on/
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Why can't you run through a campground?

You can only ran, because it's past tents.
Damn, this joke is in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93yza9/why_cant_you_run_through_a_campground/
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A soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray attacks..

He is now a seasoned veteran..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93yxkn/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_and_pepper_spray/
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I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?"

Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93yue3/i_was_going_through_airport_security_and_i_got/
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We’ll, we’ll, we’ll…

…if it isn’t autocorrect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93yrvl/well_well_well/
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Why do Canadians prefer Apple and Logitech products?

Because they are so apple-lo-gitech

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93yqqs/why_do_canadians_prefer_apple_and_logitech/
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“You see officer, not everybody pays.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93yonb/a_little_old_lady_was_walking_down_the_street/
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My wife won’t like this.

While riding my Harley, to avoid hitting a deer, I lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.  I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when, a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed, she want to help me.. "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage  on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come on, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very kind. Being sort of shaken , I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold drinks and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, " Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ykqi/my_wife_wont_like_this/
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A man moves to a new neighborhood...

...and after getting settled in, he goes down to the nehborood bar. When he walks in. He sees a fishbowl full of $100 bills on the bar with a note that says “Ask bartender about contest”.
So the guy sits down, orders a beer, and motions towards the fishbowl. He asks the bartender, “So what’s up with the contest?”
The bartender says, “Well, it costs $100 to enter and there are 3 challenges. If you complete them all, you get all of the money in the pot. That fishbowl is just this month’s entries. In total there’s $97,500 in the pot.”
So the guy is curious and asks what the challenges are. The bartender replies, “First, you see that bald guy covered in tattoos at the end of the bar? That’s my security. He used to be marine recon, then when he got out, he was a pit fighter who never lost a fight. You knock him out with one punch and that’s challenge #1.”
The bartender continues, “Out back is my pet Rottweiler. He’s got an abcessed tooth and no vet in the city will even consider trying to remove it because he’s so mean. You get that tooth out and you’ve finished challenge #2.”
“For the last challenge, upstairs is Loose Lily. She’s an 80 year old prostitute with the loosest vagina this side of the Rockies. No man has been found who can please her with his penis. You bring her to orgasm and that’s challenge #3.”
So the guy is a bit overwhelmed by this and decides he is not up for the attempt. He finished his beer, has another, then heads home.
A couple of weeks go by, and the guy is back in the bar celebrating his birthday. Everybody is buying him drinks and he finds himself drunker this he’s ever been. That’s when he sees the fishbowl and decides tonight is the night for him to win that money.
He throws $100 at the bartender and begins to stagger towards the bouncer. Just Before he reaches him, he trips on a barstool and falls forward. He flails out, and his right fist just happens to catch the bouncer right in his temple. The bouncer goes down in a heap.
The man picks himself up and staggers towards the door leading into the alley where the dog waits. All of the bar patrons realize what’s going on, so it’s dead silent. As the man enters the alley, the patrons hear growls, barking, and what sounds like a knock down, drag out brawl between man and dog. After a couple of minutes, they hear one last yelp, a few dog whimpers, then silence.
Everybody is shocked. Nobody knows what to say as the drunk guy walks back into the bar. He staggers in, looks around, and yells, “Ok, now where’s the whore with the bad tooth?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93yk3h/a_man_moves_to_a_new_neighborhood/
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Why'd the Twitter Bird go to the hospital.

He had to get tweetment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93yjps/whyd_the_twitter_bird_go_to_the_hospital/
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Sharing...

An elderly couple stands at the counter at the local burger joint. The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like.
“Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.'”
The clerk hits a key on the register and tells the couple that the cost of the meal is $4.98.
The old man reaches into his pockets and pulls out a handful of coins. Slowly and carefully, without a penny to spare, he counts out the exact amount and hands it to the cashier.
A young man standing behind the couple watches this. As the clerk assembles the couple’s order, he leans forward and says, “I’d be honored to buy you another burger and fries.”
The old man turns to the young man and says, “Thank you, but my wife and I share everything.”
The old man carries the tray of food to a table and they sit. Carefully, he cuts the burger in half, divides the fries into two equal portions, and passes half of the food to the woman. He sets the decaf in the center of the table so they can both reach it. Then he begins to eat.
A few minutes later, the young man sits down at the table next to them. As he gobbles down his food, he notices that, while the elderly man eats, the woman is quietly sipping decaf. When he looks at her food, he sees that she hasn’t eaten a single bite. Again, he leans toward the couple and says, “I really would be honored to buy you another meal.'”
The old man says, “No, thank you. We share everything,” and calmly resumes eating.
“I just hate to see you go hungry,” the young man laments to the woman.
“Oh, I’m not going hungry,” the old woman says. “I’m waiting for the teeth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93yifd/sharing/
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A string walks into a bar

but the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The string walks out, twists himself up, and parts his hair. When he walks back in, the bartender asks," Aren't you the same guy from a moment ago?"
The string says," I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93yggx/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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[NSFW] A man goes to see the doctor

He approaches the receptionist and asks her:
"Is your work covered by my insurance"
The receptionist checks the paperwork and tells him:
"Oh yea sir. Your insurance will cover this. No problem"
He is seated in the waiting room and waits until the receptionist asks him to come with her.
On their way to the treatment room he stops her to ask: "Your sure, that your work is covered by my insurance?
"Sir! I told you. I checked everything. The treatment is covered by your insurance."
He follows her with a sigh of relief to the treatment room. He is seated an told to wait for the doctor.
After a few minutes the doctor comes in. Before she can say anything he asks:
"Doctor, is your work definitely covered by my insurance?"
The doctor is a little annoyed by his persistence. So she tells him:
"Sir, my receptionist told you. This is covered. Now relax and tell me what can I do for you?"
"You know doctor, my penis is making this weird squeaky sounds when my wife touches it."
The doctor is curious. She has never heard about that sort of condition. So she tells him to drop his pants and takes his dick in her hand. No squeaking.
"You have to rub it a little too make it squeak!" said the man.
The doctor rubs his dick. Still no sound.
"You have to rub it really hard!"
So she rubs his dick harder and harder, the man starts to moan and suddenly blows his loads all over her lab coat
The doctor screams in disgust:"Why can't you get to a hooker to do that?"
"Their work is not covered by my insurance".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93yfse/nsfw_a_man_goes_to_see_the_doctor/
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I used to have a teacher called Miss Turtle,

funny looking woman but she tortoise well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ydv8/i_used_to_have_a_teacher_called_miss_turtle/
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When someone has sex with an animal...

They're committing bestiality.
But when an animal has sex with a human, isn't that just personality?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ydua/when_someone_has_sex_with_an_animal/
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Boss: "Your performance has been terrible, you're fired."

Me: *Hands in gun and badge*
Boss: "you work at McDonald's how the hell did you get those"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93yat5/boss_your_performance_has_been_terrible_youre/
%
What did Rihanna say to her grandma when she found out she had dementia?

"Oh nana, what's my name?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93y8y6/what_did_rihanna_say_to_her_grandma_when_she/
%
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop...

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.
"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.
The plane just goes straight for a while.
"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.
The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"
The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93y7jk/a_fighter_pilot_and_a_cargo_pilot_are_flying/
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Yo momma so fat

When she moves her phone from one pocket to another, it changes network!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93y4fp/yo_momma_so_fat/
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Either way half of the members are stupid. The speaker doesn't see it.

At congress
**congressman**: Mr speaker, half of the people in this house are supporting corruption and are stupid.
**speaker**: Honorable member, please withdraw that statement.
**congressman**: I withdraw that statement. Half of members in this house are not stupid.
**speaker: T**hank you. Let's continue. ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93y4bf/either_way_half_of_the_members_are_stupid_the/
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Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93y2gc/why_was_the_antivaxxers_3_year_old_child_crying/
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Three men go hiking in the woods

but at the end of the day they find themselves well and truly lost. They are wandering around in the darkness when they are captured by Cannibals.
When they have been brought back to the Cannibals’ camp the Leader instructs them to go back into the woods and come back with 10 of the first fruit they find. He says if they don’t do this, he’ll eat them.
So they all set off and the first man finds an apple, he finds 9 more then returns to the Cannibals’ camp. The Leader tells him that if he can fit the 10 apples up his arse without making any facial expression he’s free to go. If he fails he will be eaten.
1 ...
2 ...
3 ...
4 ...
the man clenches his teeth and strains.
The Cannibals eat him up.
Meanwhile the second man has found 10 grapes.
The leader says to the second man if you can fit the 10 grapes up your arse without making any facial expression you’re free to go. If you fail we’ll eat you.
1...
2...
3...
4...
5...
6...
7...
8...
As he slips in the 8th grape the man bursts out laughing and the Cannibals eat him up.
In heaven the first man says to the second, “why did you laugh, you were so close?”
The second man turns to the first and says, “I saw the third cunt coming back with pineapples.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93xzlp/three_men_go_hiking_in_the_woods/
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A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.

I replied, "Mate, it's 2018... You can use any printer you want!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93xyn9/a_black_guy_in_a_library_asked_me_where_the/
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Wanna hear something funny?

Well you’re in the wrong place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93xxc9/wanna_hear_something_funny/
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If i got a dollar for every Mitch Hedberg joke i stole

I'd be making money in a very strange way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93xp06/if_i_got_a_dollar_for_every_mitch_hedberg_joke_i/
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the real joke is...

... always in the comments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93xns7/the_real_joke_is/
%
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93xndl/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
How do billboards communicate?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93xkp4/how_do_billboards_communicate/
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So this guy meets a girl at the bar

and after a few drinks they go back to her place. Going hot and heavy at it he goes down on her. While he's eating her out a kernel of corn comes out. He finds it odd but keeps going. Then a piece of carrot comes out and he thinks to himself, "wow this chick is in to kink!" But bits of food keep coming out of her snatch when finally a chunk of potato comes out and he freaks out looking up and says, "Damn baby, you sick?" She looks down and says, "No the guy before you was."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93xkaz/so_this_guy_meets_a_girl_at_the_bar/
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To the guy that stole my antidepressants the other day

I hope you're happy now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93xh9p/to_the_guy_that_stole_my_antidepressants_the/
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Should we eliminate psychopaths from the gene pool?

It might seem like a splendid idea, but as much pain and suffering these individuals put the rest of us through... We still need women for survival of the species.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93xc5q/should_we_eliminate_psychopaths_from_the_gene_pool/
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After learning about Global Warning, I decided to go green

and start recycling on r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93x94t/after_learning_about_global_warning_i_decided_to/
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I was fired from the keyboard factory today

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93x7m8/i_was_fired_from_the_keyboard_factory_today/
%
What kind of bird always forgets the words to songs?

A hummingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93x7f7/what_kind_of_bird_always_forgets_the_words_to/
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Did you hear about the country with the fastest growing capital?

It's Ireland - every day it's Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93x3sb/did_you_hear_about_the_country_with_the_fastest/
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Little cowboy runs into a Bar

shouting angerly "WHO's the lousy varmint that painted my horse green?" A big cowboy sidles up to him and says "I DID.. want to complain to me?" "No," says the little guy "just wanted you to know that the first coat is dry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93wztj/little_cowboy_runs_into_a_bar/
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A man is sitting in a bar when...

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.” He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93wzcx/a_man_is_sitting_in_a_bar_when/
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A wife send her husband an sms

on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen". The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them". Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "The computer is completely fucked now".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93wy19/a_wife_send_her_husband_an_sms/
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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day

Teach a man to fish and you are fucking retarded for losing a valuable customer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93wwt2/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_feed_him_for_a_day/
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I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.

I walked into the bedroom last night and I was shocked,
"Love, Jabba the Hutt is not my favorite Star Wars character!" I exclaimed,
"Fuck off," She said "I haven't gotten dressed yet!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93wwpb/i_asked_my_wife_to_dress_up_as_my_favorite_star/
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I was going to donate blood today but they ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "whose blood is this?", and "where did you get it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93wrkp/i_was_going_to_donate_blood_today_but_they_ask/
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What do you call an elephant with earmuffs?

Whatever you want he can’t hear you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93wril/what_do_you_call_an_elephant_with_earmuffs/
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A father whale and his son are swimming...

...When the son whale asks his father
"Hey dad, where did I come from.?"
The father whale replies "From my penis, son." The son rolls his eyes and says "Thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93wp4h/a_father_whale_and_his_son_are_swimming/
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So there’s a man who drives a truck...

He is a pretty normal guy, except that he absolutely hates lawyers. Every time he is driving and sees a lawyer either in a parking lot or on a sidewalk, he swerves to try and hit him.
One day the man is driving along and sees a priest on the side of the road looking for a ride. The man pulls over and picks him up. As they are going along the man again sees a lawyer on the sidewalk and instinctively swerves to hit him but then realizes the priest in the car and tries to swerve back. When he passes the lawyer there is a loud “THUD!” He then hears the priest say:
“Don’t worry I got him with the door.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93wlgr/so_theres_a_man_who_drives_a_truck/
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What's Demi Lovato's favorite band?

The one she uses to tie-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93wjbs/whats_demi_lovatos_favorite_band/
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If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have two dollars and a bunch of counterfeits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93wi0e/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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HR: "Why should we hire you?"

Me: Because I want to pay taxes instead of living off of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93weq5/hr_why_should_we_hire_you/
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What did 50 Cent say to his grandma when gave him a sweater for Christmas?

Gee! You knit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93wc1s/what_did_50_cent_say_to_his_grandma_when_gave_him/
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How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93wbn9/how_do_you_get_down_from_an_elephant/
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My teacher asked me to describe myself in 5 words...

Lazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93w91o/my_teacher_asked_me_to_describe_myself_in_5_words/
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What's the cheapest type of meat?

Deer testicles. They're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93vvri/whats_the_cheapest_type_of_meat/
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Three men are joining the secret service.

They've completed every test and overcome every obstacle. Only one remains. The instructor takes the first man, brings him to a door and hands him a gun.
"Behind this door is your wife. You must prove your loyalty, your dedication to the service and your ability to follow orders, no matter what. Kill her."
The man is horrified.
"You can't be serious. I won't do it!"
"Then you are not fit for the service. Take your wife and leave."
The next man is brought in and given the same instructions. He enters the room. There's silence for a few moments and then he returns, tears in his eyes.
"I couldn't do it, I'm not strong enough."
"Then you are not fit for the service. Take your wife and leave."
Finally, the third man is brought before the door and given the same instructions. He enters the room with the gun. It's quiet. Suddenly, three loud bangs, followed by screaming, crashing and a loud thud. He emerges, wiping sweat from his brow.
"Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, I had to strangle the bitch to death!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93vv14/three_men_are_joining_the_secret_service/
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How tall is the worlds tallest amputee?

About a foot shorter than the tallest man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93vrh4/how_tall_is_the_worlds_tallest_amputee/
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What do you get when you cross some holy water with a dominatrix?

Beats the hell out of me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93vqfr/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_some_holy_water/
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Why do graveyards have gates?

Because people are dying to get in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93vjjr/why_do_graveyards_have_gates/
%
A group of DBAs walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "There's no room for you to sit together."
One of the DBAs replies, "That’s okay. We can help you join some tables."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ver3/a_group_of_dbas_walk_into_a_bar/
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A couple are on a blind date. She, a New York realtor; he, a Russian businessman. After a lovely dinner, conversation turns to world affairs, and the man expresses some anti-Islamic views.

The woman is incensed, but the guy is cute so she decides to give him a second chance: “I don’t know what’s acceptable in Russia, but I don’t want to hear any of that bigoted rhetoric.  Not another word!  I’m going to the washroom to cool off and we’ll try again.”   As the woman leaves the table the man curses himself for revealing his less politically correct side so early on.  He promises himself it won’t happen again.
Suddenly, there is a great uproar as a small sheep enters the restaurant and starts smashing everything in sight. The man ducks for cover as glasses smash and tables flip.   As quickly as it appeared, the little sheep is gone, leaving the room in a state of chaotic destruction.
The woman arrives back at the table and surveys the scene:  “Oh my god!  I was only gone 2 minutes and it looks like a bomb went off.  What happened?”
The man hesitates, then a small smile crosses his lips as he answers:
“Is lamb”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93vdrx/a_couple_are_on_a_blind_date_she_a_new_york/
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what's the difference between a black man and a box of donuts?

One of them's already full of holes before the cops see them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93vcrc/whats_the_difference_between_a_black_man_and_a/
%
How often did the Asian cow go to the gym?

Dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93utr4/how_often_did_the_asian_cow_go_to_the_gym/
%
I was told that bananas keep the colon clean.

I just wish they had told me you are supposed to eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93uq4i/i_was_told_that_bananas_keep_the_colon_clean/
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I believe in the vagina like I believe in God

I've never seen one before, but I have faith. --Moshe Kasher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ul74/i_believe_in_the_vagina_like_i_believe_in_god/
%
Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ucyd/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".
The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ubxx/an_irishman_and_an_englishman_walk_into_a_bakery/
%
Yo mama so fat

I swerved to miss her and ran out of gas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93u85u/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
A man enters a bar and sees a jar with money

He speaks with the bartender
Man:"That's a big filled jar you got there. What is it for?".
Bartender:"We got a horse in the back that is really down at the moment, so we tried to cheer it up but it didn't work. Anyone can try by adding $1 to the jar and if you get the horse to laugh you win all the money in the jar".
The man thinks for a second, adds one dollar, and goes to the horse in the back. After 15 seconds the man comes back in and the horse is rolling on the floor with laughter.
Bartender:"How did you manage to do that?".
Man:"I can't tell you, it's a secret".
He grabs his winnings and goes home.
The next week he returns and sees another jar, again he asks its purpose
Bartender:"Well you made the horse laugh, but now we are getting sick of its laughter. It hasn't stopped since! Rules are the same, only now you have to make the laughter stop.".
Again the man thinks, adds a dollar, and goes to the back. Again, 15 seconds later he enters the bar again, with the horse crying/sobbing.
Bartender:"Okay you win, but only if you tell how you even managed to do this?"
Man:"Fine, i'll tell you my secret. The first time I went to the horse I told him:"I'm certain that my dick is longer than your dick.". Well the horse was dying with laughter, I mean have you seen the size of his penis? Well the second time  I showed it to him."
-------
Not sure if it is a repost or not but it's a joke my dad told a lot of times on parties when I was little. Have a nice evening!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93u2xe/a_man_enters_a_bar_and_sees_a_jar_with_money/
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Similarity between pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside her

They are both thinking "o shit my mom is gonna kill me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93u2u1/similarity_between_pregnant_14_year_old_and_the/
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My approach to sex is like the government's approach to Brexit

I go in hard and pull out when I realise I have no clue what I'm doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93u2ld/my_approach_to_sex_is_like_the_governments/
%
My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I’ve never heard him complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93tz20/my_deafmute_postman_has_such_a_tough_job_he/
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The worst kind of people are pilots.

They are always looking down on everyone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93txad/the_worst_kind_of_people_are_pilots/
%
My girlfriend was mad because I didn't open the car door for her.

I just swam to the surface.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93tw7e/my_girlfriend_was_mad_because_i_didnt_open_the/
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The magician's Publicity Stunt.

I asked a magician for an \[OC\] joke to post on reddit.  (Yes, I asked a magician and not a comedian, I don't know many comedians personally, sorry.)
.
Instead, I got a long winded story of his most popular magic trick.  He probably made it all up, but here it is.
.
It was another regular show, and already heading towards the closing acts.  It was the trick of pulling birds endlessly out of nowhere, commonly used with doves or small birds.  He, the magician, would use crows instead.  After more than two dozen crows pulled out of his hat, shirt, sleeves, shoes and other ridiculous places, even the magician lost track how many crows there were.
.
This paragraph will be a little graphic.  Poor crow. . . Unfortunately, eventually even magic didn't work.  One of the crows he magically stuffed somewhere came out completely bloody, with broken bones (that stuck out at odd angles).  The blood seemed to be fresh, probably injured when the magician pulled it out of his sock (somehow).
.
I'm not very familiar about animal cruelty laws, but the auditorium hosting the magicians show promptly sued him for bad publicity.  As it were, the messed up magic trick gained a lot of media attention, and not good attention either.
.
During the civil court trial, the magician promptly pulled out another poor crow that was more blood and feathers than crow, placing it on the podium, and magically healed it in plain sight of the judge and jury.  The jury, entertained by the trick, ruled in favor of him.
.
The magician got caught red-handed with a bloody murder, and was ruled innocent of all charges.
(If you don't get the joke, I suggest you search "crow murder" with Google, Safari, or some sort of dictionary.)
.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93tpwy/the_magicians_publicity_stunt/
%
A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby

As she's walking on, the bus driver takes a look and says "What an ugly baby". Shocked the woman asks the bus driver what he had just said, he repeats himself, "mam, that is one ugly baby". Almost in tears now, the woman walks to the back of the bus, a man sees her and asks what's wrong. She tells him "the driver called my baby ugly". "He said what?!?" the man replied. Tearing up, the woman says it again "He called my baby ugly". The man looks shocked and says "That's not right, nonono, that aint right, you should go up there curse him out". "you think?" the woman says. The man replies " Yesyesyes you should go up there and curse him right out! Here, I'll even hold that monkey for you while you do it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93tgla/a_woman_walks_onto_a_bus_holding_her_baby/
%
At a job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.
Interviewer: Could you give me an example?
Me: Yes, yes I could.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93tghh/at_a_job_interview_whats_your_greatest_weakness/
%
My doctor told me to drink a glass of wine after a hot bath.

But I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93tftu/my_doctor_told_me_to_drink_a_glass_of_wine_after/
%
A man took his 3 kids to a maze

His kids' names are Flour, Sugar, and Butter. The four of them split up in the maze to try to solve it. Along the way, Dad bumps into Butter. They exchange surprised looks and laughs and continue on their way. After 10 more minutes, Dad bumps into Butter again. They repeat the previous exchange and go on their ways. A collision between Dad and Butter happens a third time. After dad leaves the corner where he saw Butter the third time he hears someone else approaching him.
"Oh, Butter! You got me again!" Dad says.
The person turns the corner and Dad sees that it's Flour and Sugar.
"Oh!" Dad exclaims.
"I can't believe it's not butter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93tdjk/a_man_took_his_3_kids_to_a_maze/
%
Someone on Reddit called me stupid today

But it’s ok. My wife and her boyfriend assured me that I wasn’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93sxad/someone_on_reddit_called_me_stupid_today/
%
My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with baby monitors...

For crying out loud!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93sws1/my_girlfriend_said_shes_leaving_me_because_of_my/
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Some people have 32 teeth. Others have 10.

It’s simple meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93sp88/some_people_have_32_teeth_others_have_10/
%
Accidental Exposure

A man is walking down the street on a nice Spring day, casually gazing into the many shop window displays. Suddenly, he notices a woman walking in the opposite direction, and as she gets closer he notices that one of her breasts is hanging out of her blouse. She seems oblivious, and the man is in two minds whether to tell her as she comes within spitting distance, but decides to do the gentlemanly thing.
"Erm...Excuse me?" he says, taking a step to one side and blocking her path.
"Yes?" smiles the woman innocently.
"Er-erm, well," stutters the man. "I'm not sure how to say this, but...er....One of your breasts is hanging out."
"Shit!' says the woman, a look of horror distorting her face. "I've left my baby on the bus again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93sgz3/accidental_exposure/
%
Would you believe me…

Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that’s been thrown over 700 miles away? Or would you say that idea is…
far fetched?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93s9b9/would_you_believe_me/
%
Jesus is Watching you.

A thief breaks into a house and starts to steal some things when he hears a soft voice.
"Jesus is watching you."
He hesitates, but moves farther into the house and keeps stealing. Louder this time he hears, "Jesus is watching you."
The thief moves into the living room, looking for the voice, and finds a room decked out in Christian pictures, sayings, and sculptures. In one corner, in front of a massive Jesus on the cross sits a parrot who says, "Jesus is watching you."
The thief laughs and says, "And I suppose your name is Jesus?"
The parrot replies, "No. My name is Moses. Jesus is the Rottweiler standing right behind you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93s7v3/jesus_is_watching_you/
%
I want to try being broke one day

It's a struggle to be broke everyday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93rtdl/i_want_to_try_being_broke_one_day/
%
Lady: Am I going to be alright?

Doctor: Don’t worry, it’s just a scratch on your leg
Lady: Let me see
Doctor: Your leg is in the other ambulance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93rkb3/lady_am_i_going_to_be_alright/
%
A priest, a rabbi & a 13 year old boy are all on a plane

The plane is going down and there are only two parachutes left.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "rabbi, we have both lived long and fulfilling lives; let's give the boy a parachute and we can flip a coin to decide who will get the last one."
The rabbi says, "fuck that 13 year old!"
The priest asks, "do you think we have enough time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93rivo/a_priest_a_rabbi_a_13_year_old_boy_are_all_on_a/
%
The janitor at my work asked if I wanted to take a five minute break to go smoke weed with her.

I told her, 'No, I'm sorry, but I don't have time for a high maintainance woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93riut/the_janitor_at_my_work_asked_if_i_wanted_to_take/
%
At the interview for my new job I was asked

"What would your friends say are your weaknesses?"
"I don't have any!" Was my reply.
The interviewer seemed a little surprised and answered: "That can't be true. Everybody has some weak points."
Whereupon I said: "Oh no. You got that wrong. I meant I don't have any friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93rgdc/at_the_interview_for_my_new_job_i_was_asked/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One turns to the other and says, "Man, I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93rcxq/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.
‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.
‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.
‘My wife,’ slurred Roger grimly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93rc14/roger_decided_he_was_in_no_shape_to_drive_as_he/
%
Just recently I have bought a toilet brush.

Didn't like it and switched back to toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93rbsr/just_recently_i_have_bought_a_toilet_brush/
%
Where is it inappropriate to have a Back to School sale?

A gun store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93r8lq/where_is_it_inappropriate_to_have_a_back_to/
%
What does changing a password and my wife have in common?

They both keep saying "the input provided does not meet the minimum length requirements."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93r7gq/what_does_changing_a_password_and_my_wife_have_in/
%
I Wonder if Soy Milk

Is just regular milk introducing itself in spanish?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93r6zo/i_wonder_if_soy_milk/
%
I once dated this really cute chick

But her dad was a cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93r3h8/i_once_dated_this_really_cute_chick/
%
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battlefield.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93r2yk/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_view_mirrors/
%
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93r1lw/call_me_a_racist_if_you_want_but_south_of_the/
%
I just saw 2 guys trying to rob this old man. The old man was trying to stand his ground and things were getting violent so I thought I’d lend a hand...

We fucken beat his ass he didn’t stand a chance against 3 of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93qxjk/i_just_saw_2_guys_trying_to_rob_this_old_man_the/
%
When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs

It's the best place to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93qwy9/when_im_single_i_go_straight_to_the_farm_and/
%
So a man is chillin' in his sofa one afternoon when suddenly his wife bursts into the room...

She starts yelling:
*"I'm so tired of seeing you there all the freacking day! Go move your ass! Look! I'm cooking a French recipe and I need some snails! Take this cash and get me some!"*
The man tries to elaborate an excuse but the yelling-storm is too strong and blocks the local zone of his brain in charge of elaborating them.
The man slowly walks to the market and asks to buy some snails. He buys a notable number of them and then starts walking back home.
On his way back, though, he stumbles upon his favourite bar.
*"Well, a drink is always welcome. My wife would be mad at me for making her wait though, so I'll just drink one beer and get back."*
Nine beers later, the man checks his phone and contemplates in awe how he's spent several hours inside the bar and it's almost night-time.
The man picks up the snails and runs towards his home. While on the apartment block, he starts going upstairs, when he suddenly notices how a door opens a floor above him.
It's his wife, for sure, ready to yell the hell out of him for being extremely late. Suddenly, the man realizes he only has one chance to survive this.
The wife gets out of her home, ready to gaze-murder his surely drunk husband, but instead finds him at the stairs surrounded by snails, yelling:
*"C'mon, FASTER, goddammit! We'll never make it in time at this pace!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93qr3f/so_a_man_is_chillin_in_his_sofa_one_afternoon/
%
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93qnb3/what_does_charles_dickens_keep_in_his_spice_rack/
%
What's the difference between my wife and my job?

After a few years my job still sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93qmpr/whats_the_difference_between_my_wife_and_my_job/
%
My medical Marijuana has an unintended side effect: constipation

My doc told me it's time to shit or get off the pot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93qlsc/my_medical_marijuana_has_an_unintended_side/
%
Robin was having problems starting the Batmobile

And then he went to Batman "The Batmobile won't start!"
"Have you checked the battery?"
"What's an Ery?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93qlig/robin_was_having_problems_starting_the_batmobile/
%
A man sat at a local bar and said

, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93qjyx/a_man_sat_at_a_local_bar_and_said/
%
A man was lost in the desert

With nobody by his side apart from his trusty camel. The man walks miles and miles, maintaining his needs by eating the flesh of dead animals and drinking from the oasis' scattered across the lands. However the one basic need he is unable to satisfy is the need for sex. After several days the man can't take it anymore, and decides that he will make love to his camel in order to sate his needs, alas as he goes to mount the camel from behind it realises what is happening and refuses to stay still, throwing the man around to prevent him from having sex with it. After almost an hour the man gives up and continues walking, conceding that he will have to go without sex.
A week passes, and the man decides to try once more. He drops his pants and sneaks up behind the camel, hoping to catch it off guard. At the last minute however the camel hears the man and yet again throws the man off, refusing to let him indulge.
Another week passes, and another, all the while the man keeps trying to have sex with his camel, who everytime refuses to sit still to allow him. He starts contemplating giving up his journey to make it out the desert, unwilling to keep going on without sex, but at that moment he sees two beautiful women standing by a broken down car. The man rushes to the car, relieved to finally come across another person, and asks if he can help.
The two women are both extremely attractive, wearing low cut tops and jean shorts that don't leave much up to the imagination. One of them puts her hand on the man's chest and says "excuse me sir but our car isn't working, if you're able to fix it for us, we would do anything." The second woman, lowering her sunglasses, repeats the word "anything" in a very seductive manner, licking her lips. The man sees his opportunity to finally fulfill the desire he has had for weeks, and coincidentally has 20 years experience of being a car mechanic. He gets to work and within an hour is able to identify and fix the problem, much to the delight of both him and the two ladies.
Both the ladies then approach the man to thank him, the main trembling with anticipation, waiting for what's to come. They plave their hands on his waist and slowly move them down, reiterating that they will be happy to repay him any way he wishes. The man thanks the stars for giving him this opportunity, and he rejoices that he will be able to finally have sex after all this time. Unable to wait another minute the man seizes the chance while he can, and he asks the ladies...
"Can you hold my camel still?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93qjq3/a_man_was_lost_in_the_desert/
%
“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”

Dad: That’s a D, idiot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93qjki/dad_im_so_excited_i_got_a_b_in_reading/
%
If you ever meet a girl named stone...

Don't take her for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93qj4b/if_you_ever_meet_a_girl_named_stone/
%
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93qhia/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93qdje/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
What do you call a blue collar prostitute?

A jack off all trades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93q99k/what_do_you_call_a_blue_collar_prostitute/
%
A man was in a bar all day

and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him. "Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers." "Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!" "Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93q743/a_man_was_in_a_bar_all_day/
%
A Navy man walks into a bar

, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts." The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp. The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts." The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.' After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?" The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93q53c/a_navy_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An old man goes to the doctor...

The doctor says I have some bad news for you, you have cancer and Alzheimer’s. The old man goes well at least I don’t have cancer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93q2rm/an_old_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Why do archeologists believe the Neanderthal mated with Homo erectus?

They've found no evidence for the theory they mated with Homo flaccidus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93pz4y/why_do_archeologists_believe_the_neanderthal/
%
Chris Pratt's German Joke (in English)

Dieter and his grandpa Peter are sitting on top of a hill. Peter turns to Dieter and says, "You see all those houses down there? I built them with my bare hands, but do they call me Peter the House Builder? No."
Then Peter points to a church by the houses. "I built that church with my bare hands, but do they call me Peter the Church Builder? No."
Peter points to a huge wall below them and says, "You see that big wall? I built that wall stone by stone, but do they call me Peter the Wall Builder? No."
Peter pauses and looks Dieter dead in the eyes and says, "But you fuck ONE pig..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ptou/chris_pratts_german_joke_in_english/
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What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?

You can only fit three fingers in the bowling ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ptfb/whats_the_difference_between_a_sorority_girl_and/
%
A farmer isn’t just good at his job

He’s outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93pj0l/a_farmer_isnt_just_good_at_his_job/
%
What did Leonardo DiCaprio name his son?

Leonardo DiCapriSun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ph52/what_did_leonardo_dicaprio_name_his_son/
%
What’s the difference between Monogamy and Mahogany?

Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93pemu/whats_the_difference_between_monogamy_and_mahogany/
%
Breaking News: Cheesecake Explosion in France

Multiple reports coming in that there was nothing left but de brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93p9q8/breaking_news_cheesecake_explosion_in_france/
%
Did you hear the joke about Elton John?

It's a little bit funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93p9lt/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_elton_john/
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I made a list of my favorite anti-jokes. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold.

01) great
02) great
03) great
04) great
05) great
06) great
07) great
08) great
09) great
10) great
11) fucking gold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93p9gk/i_made_a_list_of_my_favorite_antijokes_the_first/
%
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

Anywhere else it would have been called the teethbrush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93p74p/did_you_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
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What's the difference between a Grandmother and a Granary?

One is one's born kin, the other is one's corn bin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93p1da/whats_the_difference_between_a_grandmother_and_a/
%
A communist joke

isn't funny unless everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ozz7/a_communist_joke/
%
Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:
"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"
The woman answers:
"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for one night, why don't pretend we are married?"
The man, taken aback but enthusiastic replies:
"Yeah of course!"
And so the woman says:
"Good. Then fucking get it yourself you lazy ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93oz7w/two_strangers_a_man_and_a_woman_are_sharing_a/
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What does Stormy Daniels have in common with American farmers?

They both got screwed and paid off by Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93or8z/what_does_stormy_daniels_have_in_common_with/
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What's Harry Potter's favourite way of getting down a hill?

Walking.
Jk rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93onan/whats_harry_potters_favourite_way_of_getting_down/
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Crazy Neighbor!

Husband comes home early from work to surprise his wife and finds her naked in the bedroom breathing heavy.
He asks whats going on and she says, "Umm..I think I'm having a heart attack".
OMG - he runs downstairs to call 911 and his daughter yells to him "Daddy! There's a naked man in my closet!"
So, he slams down the phone, runs upstairs to his daughters room, finds his neighbor Frank in the closet and says, "Jesus Frank! My wife is having a heart attack and you gotta be running around scaring the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93omld/crazy_neighbor/
%
A man comes across a T.V for sale for $1

He asks the man selling it why its so cheap, he replies "the volume is turned all the way up and you can't adjust it, its stuck that way"
"wow! you can't turn that down"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ohac/a_man_comes_across_a_tv_for_sale_for_1/
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What do you call the assistant to the assistant nut?

The coconut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ogk9/what_do_you_call_the_assistant_to_the_assistant/
%
A pastor walked outside.....

A pastor walked outside of the church because he heard the children being loud. He sees the kids all grouped up. "What are you doing?" The children make the circle wider to show a puppy they had found. "Its a beautiful dog, who will take it home?" The pastor asks. The children look at each other until one of them speaks up. "I know! Whoever tells the biggest lie can take it home! Would you like to play pastor?" The pastor shrugs his shoulders and says, "I don't know, it will be hard because I've never told a lie." The child picks the dog up and hands it to the pastor, "Here you go. You win."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ogc5/a_pastor_walked_outside/
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Did you hear about the vegan that jumped from the 10th floor?

He turned into a vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93og2d/did_you_hear_about_the_vegan_that_jumped_from_the/
%
Mickey and Minnie's Marriage Problems

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in the courtroom getting a divorce.
The judge says to Mickey " I see here you want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy?"
Mickey outbursts: "No, no no. I never said she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93obdh/mickey_and_minnies_marriage_problems/
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TIL: A Rabbi doesn't get paid for performing circumcisions.

They just collect the tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93o92m/til_a_rabbi_doesnt_get_paid_for_performing/
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Woman's Quote of the Day - "Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Man's Counter-Quote of the Day - "Women are like a fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a fucking headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93o85x/womans_quote_of_the_day_men_are_like_a_fine_wine/
%
My Dentist friend just divorced his wife who is a manicurist

All they did was fight tooth and nail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93o533/my_dentist_friend_just_divorced_his_wife_who_is_a/
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The German Shepherd cover up...

I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it  a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear that Fluffy died?"
I said, "Um... no... what happened?"
The neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93o1x3/the_german_shepherd_cover_up/
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I'm glad that baby shark in TX is safe, but I doubt the police will spend a lot of time punishing the thieves.

I figure they'd have bigger fish to fry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93nyg2/im_glad_that_baby_shark_in_tx_is_safe_but_i_doubt/
%
A guy tells his friend "I wish I was a doctor just like my dad."

His friend says "Dude you never told me your dad was a doctor!"
He responds "Nah he isn't, he wished he was though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93nw8n/a_guy_tells_his_friend_i_wish_i_was_a_doctor_just/
%
Why is it impossible to fight a scarecrow?

By the time it reaches its last straw, there's nothing left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93nrw7/why_is_it_impossible_to_fight_a_scarecrow/
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A friend of mine working in construction told me that one day when working down town an elderly woman approached him and said:

There's nothing more annoying than you guys always acting like horney wolves when women walks by... but damn it! It hurts when you stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93nrvg/a_friend_of_mine_working_in_construction_told_me/
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I’ve started a waxing/hair removal business, and I have decided to only take female clients for the time being.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93np6k/ive_started_a_waxinghair_removal_business_and_i/
%
My horses name is Mayo

Mayo neighs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93noxf/my_horses_name_is_mayo/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

fo' drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93nksz/why_does_snoop_dogg_need_an_umbrella/
%
Soo... I'm night blind.

I've ran over a lot of animals. Opossums, squirrels, raccoons. Dogs and cats of course. There was this one animal I never could figure out what it was. It yelled "Stop". It must have been a parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93nfhu/soo_im_night_blind/
%
Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ne4s/why_do_teenage_girls_hang_out_in_oddnumbered/
%
The perfect small car

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93n5ek/the_perfect_small_car/
%
The Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar....
Upon sitting down, he notices a sizeable jar behind the bar, full to the brim with $50 notes.
He says to the barmaid: “What’s with all the cash in the jar?”
The barmaid replies: “It’s for our bar challenge, which consists of three different tasks”. You pay $50 to play and if you complete the three tasks, you receive all the money in the jar.
“What are they”, says the man, thinking there must be at least $1,000 in there.
“These are our challenges”, she says:
1. You have to drink a pint of pepper tequila and not pull a funny face.
2. In the back there’s a pitbull, Pete, who has a rotten canine. You have to go out the back and retrieve it without injury.
3. Upstairs we have an immobile, former prostitute, Hefty Helen, who’s 300 pounds. Poor thing has never had an orgasm, and you have to sort her out.
“Insanity! I’m not interested in any of those.”, says the man. And sits down to his beer disappointed.
Some hours (and many beverages) later, the man is fuck eye drunk! A heavy drinker, was he.
He exclaims: “Here’s $50 for the bar challenge, I’ll be going home a richer man!”
The barmaid slides him a pint of pepper tequila. He downs it like overpriced water and remains straight faced.
The man, barely able to walk and slurring his speech, cries out: “Challenge number 2! A man the likes of me should have no issues here!” He heads out the back as the crowd looks on in anticipation.
Soon after, there’s a blood curdling commotion followed by silence.
The man emerges without injury! A smile from ear to ear and seeming very satisfied.
He says to the barmaid in a booming voice:
“2 down, one to go! Now where’s this fat old hooker with the rotten tooth!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93n22y/the_bar_challenge/
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eBay is so pointless

I tried to search up lighters and all they had was 18,063 matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93mto7/ebay_is_so_pointless/
%
What do you call a exploding monkey?

A baboom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93mmrq/what_do_you_call_a_exploding_monkey/
%
Pride is like the summer...

It comes before the fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93mi69/pride_is_like_the_summer/
%
The circle and the triangle

So a triangle and a circle meet each other and the triangle says: "you're pointless."
To which the circle replies: "that's how I roll!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93mbxs/the_circle_and_the_triangle/
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What's the speed limit for sex?

68, because at 69 you gotta turn around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93m9rd/whats_the_speed_limit_for_sex/
%
What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?

Skinning the vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93m041/whats_the_hardest_part_of_making_a_vegan_pizza/
%
I'm a proud catholic

I can't help myself, cats are just too damn cute!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93lyuw/im_a_proud_catholic/
%
Joey moves to a nudist colony

Joey moves into a nudist colony.  He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location.  Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.  The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother.  It reads
Dear Joey
Thank you for the picture.  May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.
Love Grandma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ljji/joey_moves_to_a_nudist_colony/
%
What’s an epileptic’s favorite pizza place?

Little Seizures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93lh15/whats_an_epileptics_favorite_pizza_place/
%
Two fish in a tank,

one turns to the other and says, “how do you drive this thing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93lfq0/two_fish_in_a_tank/
%
Marge was in bed with her lover. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.

“Oh my God, your husband is home!” the man said. “What am I going to do?”
“Just stay in bed with me. He’s probably so drunk, he isn’t going to notice you here with me.”
The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice.
Sure enough, Marge’s husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
“Honey!” he yelled. “What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!”
“Dear, you’re so drunk, you can’t count. If you don’t believe me, count them again.”
The husband got out of bed, and counted. “One, two, three, four... By God, you’re right, dear!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93l7vq/marge_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_all_of_a_sudden/
%
As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Upon answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Fred, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 94.
Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Fred, "It's hundreds of them!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93l58u/as_an_old_man_was_driving_down_the_freeway_his/
%
I hate it when youtubers have really big tit...

les and I click on the video purely to see what they named their video

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93l2o5/i_hate_it_when_youtubers_have_really_big_tit/
%
God is in Heaven and looks down on the Garden of Eden...

... and he sees Adam and Eve being more intimate than he’d planned.
So God rushes down as fast as he can and catches up with Adam and reprimands him.
“What do you think you’re doing? You’re both supposed to remain pure!”
Adam looks down, embarrassed and God soon notices that Eve is nowhere to be seen.
“Wait a minute. Adam, where’s Eve?”
“Oh well... she’s in the ocean... washing up.”
God facepalms and exclaims, “Damnit! I’ll never be able to get the smell out of the fish!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93l22x/god_is_in_heaven_and_looks_down_on_the_garden_of/
%
An FBI statistician gave me some advice

I asked him, "I'm flying next week. Do you have any tips on how to lower my chances of being blown up by a bomb smuggled onboard by a terrorist?"
He chewed that one over for a while, then answered "Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I've never seen a case where two separate bombs were on the same plane, so the odds of a terrorist smuggling a second bomb onboard are very low."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93l22a/an_fbi_statistician_gave_me_some_advice/
%
How do you get a little old lady to yell Fuck?

You get 3 more little old ladies to yell BINGO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93kw09/how_do_you_get_a_little_old_lady_to_yell_fuck/
%
A man with a great personality and a wooden eye was at a bar...

He was feeling depressed thinking no one would love him due to his wooden eye. His friend encouraged him to hit on a nearby female who looked quite lonely.
Unknown to the two of them, the female was also feeling quite depressed due to her big nose. She thought that no man would be able to overlook such a flaw.
The man with the wooden eye decided to take his shot and approached the lone female and asked if she would like a drink.
The female was so shocked that a man with sub a great personality would talk with her.
"Would I?" "WOULD I?!?!?!" She exclaimed in excitement.
"BIG NOSE!" "BIG NOSE!" The man shot back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93kuy1/a_man_with_a_great_personality_and_a_wooden_eye/
%
My dick always leaves women begging for more.

Having a tiny penis sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93kt4t/my_dick_always_leaves_women_begging_for_more/
%
Adam and Eve are figuring out what's what one day...

Adam starts getting excited and Eve looks down, and says "that's it?". Adam replies "it's literally the biggest penis on Earth, what more do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93kslk/adam_and_eve_are_figuring_out_whats_what_one_day/
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College pregnancy

A college girls rushes to the hospital. Her water has just broke and she is now in labour. As she begins to push, the doctor asks if the father should be present. She answers “I’m not really sure who the father is. You see, I was having a hard time paying for my college tuition. To make some quick cash I agreed to be in a gang bang porno. That’s where I got pregnant. There were a  lot of guys, so I’m not really sure which one is the father.” The doctor goes back to work and the girls continues to push. When the baby comes out the doctor says “I don’t know if this will help you narrow down who the father is, but the baby is black” The girl replies “That does help, there was only one black guy there” The doctor then adds “This may complicate it a bit, but the baby has blonde hair” The girl replies “Well there was one big Norwegian guy so that also makes sense” Again the doctor adds “The baby has small slanted eyes” The girl says “Well there was one Chinese guy in there too so I guess that makes sense too” Suddenly the baby begins to cry. The girl is overcome with relief. The doctor asks “Why are you so relieved to hear the baby cry?” The girls answers “I thought it was going to bark”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93krp4/college_pregnancy/
%
If you ever slap Dwayne Johnson's butt

You've hit Rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93koc4/if_you_ever_slap_dwayne_johnsons_butt/
%
I asked my girlfriend to 68 today

She said “What’s that?”
I said “That’s when you blow me and I owe you one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93knha/i_asked_my_girlfriend_to_68_today/
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If a special needs kid is late for class...

Is it ok to call him tardy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93kku6/if_a_special_needs_kid_is_late_for_class/
%
Why are cat pirates so untrustworthy?

They tend to commit mewtiny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93khvy/why_are_cat_pirates_so_untrustworthy/
%
A blind man walks into a sculpture store.

He'd been planning a heist targetting the jewellery store beside it. Fumbling around to gain his bearings, he eventually comes into contact with a statue of a woman, to which he finally exclaims, "Well, this is a bust!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93keje/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_sculpture_store/
%
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna one... Anna two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93kegc/what_did_the_drummer_name_his_twin_daughters/
%
I was raped within the first five minutes of being in jail

That's the last time I play Monopoly with my dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93kcc7/i_was_raped_within_the_first_five_minutes_of/
%
Start a sentence with "I'm not racist/sexist/whatever, but..." Then say something that has nothing to do with that at all

"I'm not racist, but this soup is too salty."
"I'm not sexist, but I need to borrow a pen."
The joke is in the reactions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93kag7/start_a_sentence_with_im_not_racistsexistwhatever/
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Only redditors with a high I.q should see this

This

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93k8jt/only_redditors_with_a_high_iq_should_see_this/
%
Why are constipated people so cool with everything?

They dont give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93k5ue/why_are_constipated_people_so_cool_with_everything/
%
Optimist:

Someone who is still waiting for Half-Life 3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93k5f8/optimist/
%
What do you call a Mexican baptism?

Bean dip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93k0ui/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_baptism/
%
A man in a trench coat aproaches 3 elderly women on a park bench. He flashes the women.

The first lady had a stroke.
The second one also had a stroke.
The third lady couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93jwn3/a_man_in_a_trench_coat_aproaches_3_elderly_women/
%
If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would their towels say?

Hiss and hearse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93jub1/if_a_snake_and_an_undertaker_got_married_what/
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A scientists gets stationed in Antarctica...

The scientist was stationed at a moderately sized outpost, but unfortunately for him, he did not know anyone there.
Later that evening, he decided to hit up the only bar in the area, hoping to meet some of the fellow scientists and crew stationed there.
While he is sitting at the bar, he notices this one really pretty lady who is also sitting at the bar...just staring into her drink without a care for the world outside that cup.
As he is checking her out, she looks up back at him, smiles, bites her lip and turns back to staring at her drink.
"I HAVE to talk to her" the scientists thinks to himself..."but I can't think of anything to say to her..."
"Wait! I got it!" he exclaimed to himself inside his own head.
The scientist gets up and walks over to the lady and says, "Man, you should have seen this ship I was on to get over here. It was massive and nothing was able to get in its way! The engineers who built it were really something!"
The lady smiles at the nervous scientist and says, "Yeah, they were experts at making a good ice-breaker, unlike you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ju8x/a_scientists_gets_stationed_in_antarctica/
%
My wife left me because I spent our entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure.

She could not take it any longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93jtu4/my_wife_left_me_because_i_spent_our_entire_life/
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Mama Bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce

Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce. The judge asks baby bear what parent he wants to live with.
Judge: Ok baby bear, do you want to live with your Mama?
Baby Bear: No, she beats me.
Judge: Ok how about your Papa?
Baby Bear: No he beats me even more...
Judge: Then who do you want to live with?
Baby Bear: I want to live with the Chicago Bears! They don't beat anyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93jp56/mama_bear_and_papa_bear_are_getting_a_divorce/
%
I must have a nice butt

Anytime I walk away from someone they whisper "what an ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93jl5y/i_must_have_a_nice_butt/
%
No one knows history anymore...

It's a thing of the past

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93jgej/no_one_knows_history_anymore/
%
Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf.

The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93jfrq/low_wage_workers_play_basketball_tradesmen_go/
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A guy calls the police to report that someone broke into his house and stole his toilet.

The dispatcher asks him "Do you know who did this?" The guy says no. Dispatcher asks "What did they look like?" Guy says he doesn't know, he wasn't home. Dispatcher asks "When did this happen?" The guy says "I don't know, I just got back from a month long sabbatical an hour ago. It was gone when I got here." Dispatcher asks "C'mon, don't you have anything to go on?" The guy says "No, that's precisely why I called you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93jevh/a_guy_calls_the_police_to_report_that_someone/
%
My parents said I could never rearrange furniture for a living

Oh how the tables have turned!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93j9si/my_parents_said_i_could_never_rearrange_furniture/
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What did the skeptical marine biologist say before her first day of work?

I think I’m just gonna test the waters...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93j44y/what_did_the_skeptical_marine_biologist_say/
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What size underwear do feminists wear?

Double standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93iv1u/what_size_underwear_do_feminists_wear/
%
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93itsx/why_cant_you_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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A study shows that jump scares are becoming less and less popular.

Well, I'm not surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93io3n/a_study_shows_that_jump_scares_are_becoming_less/
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Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells:
"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93inwj/two_priests_are_in_a_shower/
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Have you ever had a British Tonic?

It's like a regular gin and tonic, just a bit more limey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ikss/have_you_ever_had_a_british_tonic/
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Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93i1zl/where_are_average_things_manufactured/
%
If you spun an Oriental guy around and round...

Would he become _disoriented?_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93hzib/if_you_spun_an_oriental_guy_around_and_round/
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Why is 6.9 the worst number？

It's a 69 interrupted by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93htw4/why_is_69_the_worst_number/
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Apparently Steve Irwin had his own line of sunscreen but it was taken off the market when he died.

It wasn’t protecting against harmful rays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93hs4u/apparently_steve_irwin_had_his_own_line_of/
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What a fruit.

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Can we change the topic please?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93hr1a/what_a_fruit/
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Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93hnvm/sometimes_it_is_very_important_if_a_sentence_was/
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I can't eat Coleslaw, the flavor is too strong.

I wish they made Coleslaw, but that didn't taste as strong. "Cole's Guidelines and Recommendations" if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93hnar/i_cant_eat_coleslaw_the_flavor_is_too_strong/
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Do you know why no one leaves Istanbul in the winter?

It’s hard to quit cold Turkey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93hl9w/do_you_know_why_no_one_leaves_istanbul_in_the/
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What do you call a Japanese car thief?

Tommy Tukamoto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93hkr8/what_do_you_call_a_japanese_car_thief/
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I got beaten up after I told a customer “we don’t have coke, is Pepsi okay?”

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93hk9y/i_got_beaten_up_after_i_told_a_customer_we_dont/
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Came home the other day and my grandpa turned me into a young, slow-witted boy with a yellow shirt.

I was Morty-fied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93hhm5/came_home_the_other_day_and_my_grandpa_turned_me/
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What is a dogs favorite instrument?

A trombone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93hfe5/what_is_a_dogs_favorite_instrument/
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What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?

Tai Wan Shu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93hcsq/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_man_with_one_leg/
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Hannibal the bull:

Once upon a time, in a farm not quite far, there was a bull named Hannibal. Hannibal was in love with Poppy, the neighbor's cow.
but their enclosures were separated by a barbed fence, and therefore, they could only talk.
And everyday, Poppy asked Hannibal to come over, and everyday, Hannibal had to refuse her invitation because of the barbed fence.
But one day, Hannibal decided that it was enough! He took a run-up, and jumped on the other field! So the cow received her lover:
"oh! Hannibal! I've waited so long for you to come over! I'm so happy
-i'm also happy to finally be here with you my dear Poppy, but from now on you will have to call me "Hanni", because my balls are still on the fence".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93h654/hannibal_the_bull/
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What is Forest Gump's favorite type of pasta?

Penne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93h3jw/what_is_forest_gumps_favorite_type_of_pasta/
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Drunk guy gets arrested by a female cop

Starts reading his rights ".. Anything you say can and will be used against you"
"Tits".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93h2sz/drunk_guy_gets_arrested_by_a_female_cop/
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What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?

He gets taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93gwt6/what_happens_when_a_lawyer_takes_viagra/
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Two hookers are standing on the side of the street..

Two hookers are standing on the side of the street. One says to the other, "It's going to be a great night! You can almost smell the dicks in the air!"
The other hooker responds, "I'm sorry, I just burped."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93gs8f/two_hookers_are_standing_on_the_side_of_the_street/
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I failed my math exam because I couldn’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals

IM LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93gqug/i_failed_my_math_exam_because_i_couldnt_remember/
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Why are failed lawyers usually alcoholics?

They couldn’t pass the bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93gqdy/why_are_failed_lawyers_usually_alcoholics/
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A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies

was captured after attacking a uniformed police officer and severing her arm. When asked why he went after the officer despite knowing the danger, he simply replied, "It was a wrist I was willing to take."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93gl84/a_serial_killer_who_was_known_for_taking_body/
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A politician dies and meets Jesus in heaven...

Upon arriving at the pearly gates of heaven, Jesus greets the man and explains the situation to him
"It's not often we have someone of your power up here. As a result I'm going to let you pick where you go"
Quickly, the man responds "I would like to stay here for eternity. I've already decided"
"Why not try hell for a day? It's pretty underrated!" Jesus says. "If you don't like it, you can stay here!"
Somewhat reluctantly, the man agrees. He goes to hell and is pleasantly surprised.
He receives the keys to a Lamborghini, and all his friends are there, playing golf and drinking  champagne. At night, he meets the Devil at a party, and immediately becomes good friends.
At the end of the day, he returns to heaven for a trial day. He has fun playing gold harps and sitting on clouds, and feels that he has a tough choice to make.
"Look, Jesus, I had my reservations about Hell, but I think I'm going to spent the rest of eternity there."
Jesus smiles, and lets him into hell. Upon arrival, the politician is startled. His friends are picking up litter and standing on hot coals. The devil laughs while watching them work.
The politician asks Jesus "This isn't how it was! It was beautiful and fun out here!"
Jesus responds "Those were during the elections. Now you've been elected"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93gg65/a_politician_dies_and_meets_jesus_in_heaven/
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In a pub....

A Scotsman went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside \[ootside\] and went in to have a pint o' bitter.
A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walks in and the following conversation ensued:
New man:  Is that your dog ootside?
First man:  Yes.  What of it?
New man:  Well, I think my dog may'a killed 'im.
First man:  Ha! What kind'a dog you got that can kill a Great Dane?
New man:  Well, e's a Chihuahua.
First man:  Ha!  'ow can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?
New man:  Well, I think the wee bastard may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93gezi/in_a_pub/
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Gold walks into a bar

The bartender says, "Au, get out of here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93g51p/gold_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93g2oa/did_you_know_they_tested_the_mars_rover_against/
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Just got a new job as the director of Old MacDonalds Farm.

I'm now the CIEIO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93fx14/just_got_a_new_job_as_the_director_of_old/
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The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93fws3/the_lady_who_had_crashed_her_suv_complained_to/
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What advice do you give to a vegan in a wheelchair?

You are what you eat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93fuvr/what_advice_do_you_give_to_a_vegan_in_a_wheelchair/
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My seismic device has been stolen...

...The results could be earth-shattering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93frsz/my_seismic_device_has_been_stolen/
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Accidentally got some guacamole in my eyes...

... and now I think I have guacoma.
Happy Avocado Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93fr89/accidentally_got_some_guacamole_in_my_eyes/
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How do churches split the collections?

A man goes to a Catholic church and says to the priest "Father, I was wondering, how do you decide how much of each collection goes to God and how much goes to you?" and the priest says "Come come, I'll show you."  So the priest draws a circle on the ground and says "I throw the collection up in the air and whatever lands inside the circle goes to God and whatever lands outside the circle goes to me".
Then the man goes to a Lutheran church and asks the same question and explains how the Catholic church does it.  The pastor says "Oh no no we don't do that here.  I draw a line and whatever lands on the left side of the line goes to God and whatever lands on the right side goes to me".
Then the man goes to a synagogue and asks the rabbi the same question and explains how the other churches do it.  The rabbi says "Ah yes, we have a special system.  I throw all the money up in the air and I say 'God! Take what you want!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93fl20/how_do_churches_split_the_collections/
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What do you call it when a whore farts?

A prosti-toot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93fj9d/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_whore_farts/
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What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coathanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93fgd6/whats_worse_than_locking_your_keys_in_your_car/
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You know what I miss?

Pedestrians, about 90% of the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ffet/you_know_what_i_miss/
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My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93f9uk/my_wife_walked_in_on_me_masturbating_to_an/
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What do you get when you cross Hank Hill with Bob Ross?

A Pro-painter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93f8zc/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_hank_hill_with_bob/
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John hears his old buddy Archie is doing poorly...

...so he decides to drop in on his ol' buddy and pay him a visit.  John notices the bandages around Archie's knee, and asks how he's feeling.  "Ah, I took a bit of a bad knock, but I can hobble 'round all right. Can't handle the stairs though....would you run up and grab my slippers?  My feet are cold."
"Of course!" replies John, and runs up the stairs only to come across a wide open bedroom door, and Archie's 19-year-old twin daughters wearing nothing but panties.   Well, John can't resist the opportunity, and stepping into the room informs the ladies that their father has given him permission to fuck them both.
The young women basically laugh in his face, saying "We don't believe you!  You're going to have to show us some proof!"
John, thinking fast, goes to the bedroom door and yells out "The both of 'em, Arch?"
And Archie responds.. "Of course, the both of 'em!  What good is only fuckin' one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93f8pu/john_hears_his_old_buddy_archie_is_doing_poorly/
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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.

So I got drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93f8aw/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_go_out_and_get_something/
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Whats 69+69?

Dinner for four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93f7ze/whats_6969/
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Two prostitutes are standing on their street corner...

...one says to the other, “You ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The second thinks for a second and replies, “No, but I’ve been swung around by the tits.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93f6qy/two_prostitutes_are_standing_on_their_street/
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Three friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"
Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."
Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke and Yeah this is a Repost Motherfuckers!!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93f4vg/three_friends_bragged_about_who_has_more_sex/
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Superpowers....

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
-
“No”, she replies sleepily.
-
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
-
Emily groans  “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”
-
-
Why is it that "Iron Man" is a superhero, but "Iron Woman" is a command?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93f3sz/superpowers/
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Did you hear about the drummer who decided to name all his daughters the same name?

Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93f00q/did_you_hear_about_the_drummer_who_decided_to/
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A woman died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the women, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the women”. And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s my husband’s clock?” asked the wife.
It’s is  my office I’m using it as a ceiling fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ezhx/a_woman_died_and_went_to_heaven_as_she_stood_in/
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Hiring Process

HR staff: " Sir, we found 3 candidates that meet our general requirements, now how do you want their placements sir?"
HR Director : "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room & close the door, leave them alone & come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:-
1)  If they are counting the bricks, Put them in Accounts dept.
2)  If they are re-counting the bricks, Put them in Auditing.
3)  If they have messed up the whole room with the bricks, Put them in Technical /Engineering.
4)  If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, Put them in Planning.
5)  If they are throwing the bricks at each other, Put them in Operations.
6)  If they are sleeping, Put them in Security.
7)  If they have broken the bricks into pieces, Put them in Information Technology.
8)  If they are sitting idle, Put them in Human Resources.
9)  If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, Put them in Sales.
10) If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.
11) If they are staring out of the window, Put them in Strategic Planning.
And.......
12)  If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ew32/hiring_process/
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Fuck its hot.

Hotter than a spoon at Demi Lovato's house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93evj8/fuck_its_hot/
%
Lance Armstrong decided to fly to France to fight against the doping allegations against him.

It would have been more convincing if he had taken a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ev84/lance_armstrong_decided_to_fly_to_france_to_fight/
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Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93er39/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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my friend just started dating a girl called Rosemary

I don't know what he season her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93eq70/my_friend_just_started_dating_a_girl_called/
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Did you know:

Men think a lot because they have two heads
And women talk a lot because they have four lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93emac/did_you_know/
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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con, descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93elcc/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_going_down/
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A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93egf9/a_baker_bakes_73247_baguettes_in_a_year_and_sells/
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Blond paints a porch...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch.
How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde a dded, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93egcc/blond_paints_a_porch/
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Stranger: "Bob? Is that short for Robert?"

Bobert: "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ef5f/stranger_bob_is_that_short_for_robert/
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What does a cannibal call a person in a good mood?

a happy meal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ef1k/what_does_a_cannibal_call_a_person_in_a_good_mood/
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All my friends say I'm stubborn

but I refuse to believe them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93edte/all_my_friends_say_im_stubborn/
%
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93edcw/three_bulls_heard_the_rancher_was_bringing/
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A female athlete goes to the doctor.

Athlete: “Doctor, I've been training hard, and I’m really worried that I might be growing a penis! You know - because of all the steroids I’ve been taking.”
Doctor: “Anabolic?”
Patient: “No, just a penis.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93e7ag/a_female_athlete_goes_to_the_doctor/
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How do redditors leave hotel premises?

Username checks out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93dwhe/how_do_redditors_leave_hotel_premises/
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The whole world should be worried if North Korea has a missile that can hit New York...

...because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93dvz1/the_whole_world_should_be_worried_if_north_korea/
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My neighbors listen to really good music

Weather they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93dvq8/my_neighbors_listen_to_really_good_music/
%
Word on the street is

Graffiti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93duug/word_on_the_street_is/
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Why are constipated people so cool with everything?

They don't give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93dt9z/why_are_constipated_people_so_cool_with_everything/
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A steamboat captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living, but all the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job, he asked the pilot to let him take the helm...

"Okay..." said the pilot. "But you must pass a small test first. If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?"
"Turn to port!" said the boy.
"Correct!" said the pilot.
"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?"
"Starboard!" said boy grinning from ear to ear.
"Good for you!" said the pilot.
"And straight?" asked the pilot.
The boy quickly replied, "Without ice!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93dqqe/a_steamboat_captain_brought_his_son_along_on_a/
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French, Italian and Russian are talking about what are the best things in the world

French: Walking in Paris with my Jacqueline, dinner at the restaurant, candles, cheese, white wine, after which we go to my place and gently make love until morning.
Italian: Strolling through Venice with my Francesca, dinner at the restaurat, candles, pasta, red wine, after which we go to my place and passionately make love until morning.
Russian: Winter Siberia, -40 at 3 in the moring as you are sleeping in warm barracks. Suddenly captain of the guard comes in and says: "Sergey, guard duty!" And you're not Sergey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93dowi/french_italian_and_russian_are_talking_about_what/
%
A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son…”
"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93djgd/a_young_arab_boy_asks_his_father_what_is_that/
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An ugly baby.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93df9l/an_ugly_baby/
%
I'm happier and healthier now that I've lost 180 pounds (81.6 kg) of ugly fat!

Thanks Divorce^TM !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93d8kn/im_happier_and_healthier_now_that_ive_lost_180/
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Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?

He wanted to have a manta-man talk
(I'm so sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93d72k/why_did_the_stingray_have_a_chat_with_the_scuba/
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What do you call a nobleman, who is also a mathematician?

A count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93cvy3/what_do_you_call_a_nobleman_who_is_also_a/
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I went to a zoo the other day, and the only animal I could find was a dog...

Turns out it was a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93cvie/i_went_to_a_zoo_the_other_day_and_the_only_animal/
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One night a man walks into a bar looking sad

.
The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93cu88/one_night_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_sad/
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A man who walked into a bar and says

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ctyk/a_man_who_walked_into_a_bar_and_says/
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A blind man enters a bar

and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ct7u/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar/
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Life is like a dick

It gets hard for no reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93csf1/life_is_like_a_dick/
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I hope that Death is a woman.

That way, it'll never come for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93cs80/i_hope_that_death_is_a_woman/
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A blonde sits down in a bar next to a redhead.

Both of them are having a good time when the news comes on.
The news reporter shouts out “a man is on the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!”
The redhead leans over to the blonde and whispers “I bet you $50 that the mans gonna jump”
The blonde replies, “You’re on”.
A few moments later, the man jumps and the blonde turns to the redhead and hands over the $50.
The redhead starts to feel guilty and says “I can’t take your money, I saw the news earlier this morning, I knew he was gonna jump off the cliff”
The blonde says “well, I saw it too, but I didn’t think he was going to jump off again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93cppk/a_blonde_sits_down_in_a_bar_next_to_a_redhead/
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Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence...

.......often goes undetected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93cobd/accordion_to_a_recent_survey_replacing_words_with/
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A Maltese and an Italian walk into a bakery ...

The italian steal three buns, and hides them in his pocket. He turns to the Maltese man anf brags, "that took great skill and courage to steal those buns. The owner didn t even see me!"
The maltese, not really impressed, replied, "that s just simple thievery, i ll show you how to do it the honest way, and get the same result."
The maltese man then proceeded to call the owner of the bakery and says, "sir, i want to show you a magic trick."
The owner was intrigued, so he came over to see the magic trick.
The maltese man asked him for a bun, which he promtly ate. He asked for two more and after eating them as well , the owner asks, "okay my friend, where is the magic trick?"
The maltese man replied by pointing at the italian, "just look in his pockets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93cm0g/a_maltese_and_an_italian_walk_into_a_bakery/
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George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93clew/george_clooney_leonardo_dicaprio_and_matthew/
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Three women shopping.

Three women, a Chinese, an Australian, and an Afghani, were out shopping at the grocery store.  They stopped by the fruits and vegetable section and the Chinese lady, feeling mischievous, plucks out a pair of grapes and says to the other two:
"Oh!  These grapes are just like my husbands, they are that small!"
They all giggled and grinned ear to ear. The Australian lady, clearly enjoying this, grabs two tiny kiwis and says to the other two:
"These kiwis are just like my husband's, they are that small!"
All of them had a good laugh.  The Afghani, searching around for a second, grabs a pair of large Russet potatoes and says:
"These potatoes are just like my husbands!"
The two other women look at her with shock...
"They are that dirty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ckbw/three_women_shopping/
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What does a zombie vegetarian eat?

Graaaaaaaains!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ck3c/what_does_a_zombie_vegetarian_eat/
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Did you hear the one about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic?

He would lie awake at night wondering weather or not there really was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ciis/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_insomniac_agnostic/
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My room is full of gay monsters!

They keep coming out of the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93cgy2/my_room_is_full_of_gay_monsters/
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I Want A Divorce

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93cg7g/i_want_a_divorce/
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A woman gets on a bus...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93cbpp/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus/
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The Purple Gorilla.

Once upon a time there was a man driving down an old road at night when his car broke down on the side of the road. He saw a small house not to far away. He decided to see if the house had anyone willing to help him out. The man knocked on the door and almost instantly an old lady swung open the door. He asked if he could stay the night. The old lady considered it for a moment then replied “Yes, but first I must show you something...” The man agreed and was lead inside. The old lady pointed at the couch he could sleep on. He started to lie down when the woman coughed and said she must show him now. He got up and she yanked the rug up from the ground to reveal an old wooden trapdoor. She creaked it open revealing a tunnel. Off the wall of the tunnel she picked up an old fashion torch and lit it with a small flame. The man followed her as she walked down the tunnel. They went through many turns; left left right right down right left straight U-turn down right right left right up backwards down... They ended up in a giant stone cavern with an iron bared cage sitting in the middle. In the cage sat an enormous purple gorilla. The old woman turned to the man and said “no matter what happens... do not touch the purple gorilla!” Then without another word she led him back up the tunnel and out of the trapdoor and all the way to the couch. She gave him a blanket and he fell asleep. The man had a dream where he and the purple gorilla were best friends and where they skipped through fields of wild flowers and where they shared an ice cream sundae. All he had to do was poke the purple gorilla. Then he awoke with a start! He thought about the dream in the dark the went to the carpet. Lifting the carpet up he lifted the trap door, lit the torch and went down the tunnel. Left left right right down right left straight U-turn down right right left right up backwards down... he arrived in the chamber with the sleeping purple gorilla in the cage. He reached out a single finger inches from the gorilla then... stopped. He remembered what the woman said and how kind she was to let him stay the night. But then he thought of the dream again and tapped the purple gorilla’s matted fur. The gorilla awoke with wide eyes and a earth shaking roar!!! The man started to run twords the tunnel. The purple gorilla ripped off the bars of its cage and charged after the man! He sprinted up the tunnel with the purple gorilla hot on his heels! He jumped out of the trap door slamming it behind him! The gorilla burst through as he ran towards the door. He ran to his car and hid in the trunk. He could hear the gorilla’s large footsteps coming closer and closer... The purple gorilla ripped off the trunk door and chucked it far into the air... then the purple gorilla poked him and said “Tag! You’re it!” Then the gorilla ran off into the woods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93cbfa/the_purple_gorilla/
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi have a competition

They all have to find a bear, and convert it. A day passes, and they meet up again to see who won. The priest shows up with his bear dressed, and holding a bible. The minister shows up with a few scratches, and the rabbi shows up in a wheelchair.
"I baptized my bear in holy water, and read the entire bible to him" the priest said.
"I tried reading the catechism to my bear, but he scratched me and ran off" said the minister.
The rabbi finally has his turn and says, "Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ca3l/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_have_a_competition/
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Don’t trust atoms.

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93c9aw/dont_trust_atoms/
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Masturbating before sex

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93c53u/masturbating_before_sex/
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Shoutout to my grandpa

Cause that's the only way he can hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93c2ba/shoutout_to_my_grandpa/
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The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93c24u/the_lesbians_next_door_asked_me_what_i_would_like/
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Dad: Go to your room!

Son: Jim Morrison sucks!
Dad: what did I tell you about slamming The Doors?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93bw2l/dad_go_to_your_room/
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A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says “I have two good news for you”

The man perplexed but hopeful asks: “what’s the first good news?”
Doctor replies, “you don’t have AIDS!”
The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, “then what’s the other good news?”
Doctor responds, “we found a new strain of STD and they’re going to name it after you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93bp2p/a_man_has_been_sleeping_around_and_was_worried_he/
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When I went to lunch yesterday..

When I went to lunch yesterday, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.  I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home.  He rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.” I said, “Well, then why are you crying?” She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.” I said, “Well, why are you crying?” She said, “For dinner He makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours” I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?” She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93bmc3/when_i_went_to_lunch_yesterday/
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What do you call a murderer who is also a fraud?

Jack the Rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93bleq/what_do_you_call_a_murderer_who_is_also_a_fraud/
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A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”
“Thirty-six.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93bjoo/a_woman_walked_up_to_an_elderly_man_rocking_in_a/
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r/Jokes is a unique subreddit.

Even if you sort by new, you get the same content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93bhts/rjokes_is_a_unique_subreddit/
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Roses are red

Tulips are too
I like eating waffles
But not when they're blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93bfwu/roses_are_red/
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I met Dracula at the pub an hour ago.

He was having a bloody good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93b5fg/i_met_dracula_at_the_pub_an_hour_ago/
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What do you call a film about feet?

Footage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93b477/what_do_you_call_a_film_about_feet/
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Shutup, manners and trouble

So there were a couple kids playing hide and seek in a national park, their names were Shutup, Manners and Trouble.  When it was Manners time to count Shutup and Trouble went to go hide.  After a couple mins of looking Manners found Shutup.  The search continued for Trouble, but after an hour they couldn’t find him.
Manners and Shutup thought they should get some help.  They came across a rangers station and Shutup told Manners to wait outside while he went in to talk to the ranger. When Shutup got inside he started speaking with the ranger telling him his friend was lost.
Ranger:  So what is the problem boy.
Shutup:  We can’t seem to find our friend anywhere.
R: Ok let’s file a report, let’s start with your name.
S: Shutup
R: listen, I’m trying to help you here, now tell me your name so we can help your friend.
S: I know, Shutup!
R: Dont tell me to shutup! Where are your manners!
S: Manners is on the porch!
R: Ok, listen here smartass! Are you looking for trouble?
S: YES!!! That’s what I’ve been trying to say all along!!!
I know some of you might have heard it, but it’s been a long time since I’ve heard it and just thought of it again, so there it is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93b0dc/shutup_manners_and_trouble/
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An infinite number of mathmaticians walk into a bar. (New take on old joke)

The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93azr6/an_infinite_number_of_mathmaticians_walk_into_a/
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Son: Dad, what is sex?

Dad: Well, you are not old enough to talk about it yet.
Son (yelling): No no, tell me now.
Dad (sighs): OK, when a man and woman love each other, they kiss each other, they remove clothes, man suck woman’s boobs, she sucks his penis, he licks her vagina, and then he put his penis in her vagina. That is called sex.
Son (shockingly): Well, how am I supposed to write all this in a little box on the school form?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93az9u/son_dad_what_is_sex/
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I was listening to a conversation on a pair of broken headphones

The conversation was pretty one-sided though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93asaz/i_was_listening_to_a_conversation_on_a_pair_of/
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Little Susie came home from school one day.

Her mom asks "How was school today sweetie?"
"GOOD! Johnny showed me his penis on the playground!"
"What!" Said her mom, "Well what did you think about it?
"It reminded me of a peanut."
"HAHA, Because it was so small?" Joked her mom.
"NO! Because it tasted salty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93apro/little_susie_came_home_from_school_one_day/
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What’s something that starts in m and ends arriage that makes people unhappy.

Miscarriage...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93anvt/whats_something_that_starts_in_m_and_ends_arriage/
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Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93al9j/murphys_law_states_that_anything_that_can_happen/
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Non-kosher Rabbi

One day, an old rabbi decides that he wants to try pork, forbidden in the Torah. But, because he’s the rabbi, he can’t risk being seen by anyone in his congregation. So he decides to take a vacation. He buys his tickets, flies out to Brazil, finds an expensive restauraunt and orders the roast pork. As he’s waiting, however, a couple from his congregation walks into the same restauraunt. They instantly recognize him, come up to him, and just as they’re saying hello, the Rabbi’s pork is brought out: a giant pig on massive platter with a big red apple in it’s mouth. As it’s placed in front of him, to the shock of the couple, the Rabbi exclaims: “My goodness...so this is how they serve apples here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93aj71/nonkosher_rabbi/
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What do vampire hummingbirds eat?

Your blood sugar!
My wife won't laugh at this :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ags4/what_do_vampire_hummingbirds_eat/
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In court for smoking weed

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday.
" On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people?
That's wonderful.  How did you do it?
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.
"Wow!" says the judge.
"156 people! How did you manage to do that?
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison... '"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93agg2/in_court_for_smoking_weed/
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what do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. what do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean Beef

what do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Your Mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93ag3t/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs_ground_beef/
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Whats the difference between a depressed guy and a necrophiliac?

Ones dead inside, the other is inside the dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93a5iu/whats_the_difference_between_a_depressed_guy_and/
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Why is Owen Wilson’s nose all messed up?

He KaCHOO’ed too hard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93a1bh/why_is_owen_wilsons_nose_all_messed_up/
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A man takes his wife to the doctor

and frantically says,
“Doctor, doctor, doctor! You gotta help my wife! I think there’s something wrong with her!”
The doctor checks out his wife, and then finally says, “Alright, you are definitely right. She definitely has something wrong, and I’ve narrowed it down to one of two things: She either has Alzheimer’s or AIDS.”
“Those are two entirely different diseases!! Is there some sort of test you can administer to narrow it down?”
“Well, try this. When you leave the office, separate yourself from her and go home. If she can find her way home, DON’T HAVE SEX!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/939peo/a_man_takes_his_wife_to_the_doctor/
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I like my coffee how I like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/939o2a/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_slaves/
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How are girls and rocks similar?

The flat ones get skipped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/939mcx/how_are_girls_and_rocks_similar/
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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure.."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"I knew it!. You'd forget it. Where's my toast?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/939m4a/a_couple_in_their_nineties_are_both_having/
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There was a murder outside my house this morning

But don’t worry I scared them and they soon flew away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/939iyn/there_was_a_murder_outside_my_house_this_morning/
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Which Game of Thrones house does House Trump most resemble?

Definitely not House Lannister,  because they always pay their debts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93990o/which_game_of_thrones_house_does_house_trump_most/
%
3 Whores are drinking in a bar...

3 Whores are drinking in a bar. The first one says, “My pussies so big, loose, and worn out, I can make this whole beer bottle disappear.”
The other two say, “Prove it.”
So the first prostitute, puts the beer bottle on her bar stool, sits down on it, and fits the bottle completely up inside her.
Unfazed by her friends ability, the second hooker says, “That’s nothing. Hey bartender, gimme that bottle of vodka.”
She takes the 750 vodka bottle, places it on her bar stool, sits down on it, and fits the bottle completely up inside her.
Unimpressed, the third whore says, “Amateurs.” She gets up, finishes her drink, and leaves the bar.
After she leaves the bartender comes over to the two hookers and asks, “Hey what happened to your friend?”
The two prostitutes say they have no idea. She just got up and left.
So the bartender says, “Well you better go find her and tell her she needs to come back here right now and return my barstool!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9393f8/3_whores_are_drinking_in_a_bar/
%
My redneck cousin wants to be with a girl who is into multiple partners.

Cracker wants a poly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/938yld/my_redneck_cousin_wants_to_be_with_a_girl_who_is/
%
What did the cardiac surgeon say to his nervous patient?

“Don’t worry, you’ll have a change of heart.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/938wrm/what_did_the_cardiac_surgeon_say_to_his_nervous/
%
A straight man gets into a car accident with a gay couple

As both parties recover from the shock it becomes clear that the straight man was at fault here. Upon realising this the gay couple decided to call the police:
Gay guy, adressing his partner:"Jean, call the police."
Straight guy:"please dont! How about I give you 500$ and we call it even?"
Gay guy:"Jean, call the police!"
Straight guy:"Okay, hold on, I'll make it a 1000$!"
Gay guy:"Jean, call the police right now!"
The straight guy gets frustrated after being repeatedly ignored by the couple and shouts in anger:"Be that way then, you fags can suck my dick!"
Gay guy:"Put down the phone,Jean, this gentleman has an offer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/938wd2/a_straight_man_gets_into_a_car_accident_with_a/
%
NSFW: What does a stripper do to her asshole before work?

Drops him off at his friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/938snj/nsfw_what_does_a_stripper_do_to_her_asshole/
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Two old men were sitting at the park one day [NSFW]

One says to the other, "Oh, god, I'm so OLD! You won't even believe how old I am."
The other responds, "Oh, I think I can."
"You have no idea. I'm so old. You don't even know how old I am."
"Ok, stand up and I'll tell you how old you are."
First man stands up. Second man says, "Ok, now drop your pants."
"But there's kids around. I don't want them-" "Take off your pants and I'll tell you how old you are."
First man drops his pants. Second man says, "Now take off your underwear."
"Are you kidding me? I'll get arr-" "Take off your underwear and I'll tell you how old you are."
First man takes off his underwear. Second man says, "Now take your left hand, grab your privates, and start moving them around in a circle."
"What? You've got to be-" "Grab your privates with your left hand and move them in a circle and I'll tell you how old you are."
First man does what he's told and starts turning his crank round and round. Second man says, "Now bend over while you move your privates in a circle."
"Ok, now this is getting-" "Bend over while moving your privates and I'll tell you how old you are."
First man then bends over, still turning his crank. "Now take your right thumb and place it up inside your anus."
"Whoa-" "Put your right thumb up your butthole and I'll tell you how old you are."
"Ok, but this is it," says the first man while he shoves his thumb up his butthole. "You happy now?"
The second man watches him for a while, then he says, "Ok, I got it. You're 94 years old."
The first man is astonished. He yells, "Oh, my god! Did everything you told me to do grant you the power to guess people's ages?"
The second man says, "Nah. You told me your age yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/938n9q/two_old_men_were_sitting_at_the_park_one_day_nsfw/
%
Some old men can still think fast.

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe  courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up, he said... "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/938mn8/some_old_men_can_still_think_fast/
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Little Old Lady

A: Knock Knock.
B: Who's there?
A: Little old lady.
B: Little old lady who?
A: Wow you're a pretty good yodeler!
I'll see myself out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/938k9b/little_old_lady/
%
My girlfriend left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid.

Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/938j6l/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_im_too_insecure_and/
%
What was Hitler's spirit animal?

Adolfin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/938ilw/what_was_hitlers_spirit_animal/
%
My friend told me doesn't know what "gaslighting" means.

I told him: "Stop being ridiculous, you've always known what it means."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/938i2n/my_friend_told_me_doesnt_know_what_gaslighting/
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Im so Patriotic...

I piss red, white and blue.
My doctor told me it's pancreatic cancer.
I told him to shut his commie mouth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/938e1g/im_so_patriotic/
%
Two monkeys entered a bath.

Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah
Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn't that hot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/938bel/two_monkeys_entered_a_bath/
%
The other day I held a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9389u3/the_other_day_i_held_a_seminar_on_how_to_withhold/
%
I call my toothpaste "Death"....

....then I tell women, "I had a brush with Death this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9388e4/i_call_my_toothpaste_death/
%
Once upon a time there were three bears who lived in a house in the forest. There was a great big father bear, a middle-sized mother bear and a tiny baby bear.

One morning, their breakfast porridge was too hot to eat, so they decided to go for a walk in the forest.  In a little while, the three bears came back from their walk in the forest.
Then Father Bear looked at his bowl of porridge and saw the spoon in it and he said in his great big growly voice,
"SOMEBODY HAS BEEN EATING MY PORRIDGE"
Little Bear looked at his porridge bowl and said in his small squeaky baby voice,
"Somebody has been eating my porridge, and has eaten it all up"
Mother bear look at them, roll her eyes and said: "Stop being retards, i haven't served anyone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/937yqn/once_upon_a_time_there_were_three_bears_who_lived/
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My math professor this term misses a lot of classes by faking minor injuries.

I’ll never take another class with Professor Fibbin Ouchie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/937tlj/my_math_professor_this_term_misses_a_lot_of/
%
Abe Lincoln Love Life

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, “Going to a party?”
“Yeah, a costume party,” the man answered, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”
“But you look like Abe Lincoln.” protested the barkeep.
“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/937pa6/abe_lincoln_love_life/
%
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:
“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/937oj3/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
%
When you have to explain a joke you've made on r/jokes

Then well done,  you've posted original content which people haven't seen before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/937gjz/when_you_have_to_explain_a_joke_youve_made_on/
%
A couple had 100 children.

They decided to name each of them by numbers (1, 2, 3, 4).
Many years later, they grew up and went on to lead their own lives. Some ended up finding love and/or having children, like 90, who had 3 kids.
The 3 kids wanted to have a pet, but their mother hated pets, so they decided to secretly get one. They were successful in their attempt and adopted a stray dog.
They loved the dog, and played with it daily. They tried their best to keep it a secret so their mother wouldn’t find it and send it away. One day, they took the dog outside and played fetch. They threw the stick on the road, and the dog went to get it, until all of a sudden...
A car came speeding by, running the dog over and killing it. They were greatly saddened by this and held a funeral for the dog, burying it into the backyard.
The mother didn’t know about the dog, nor 90, since they vowed to keep it a secret from their parents so it would not get sent away....
**Only 90’s kids remember.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/937bdl/a_couple_had_100_children/
%
A man stranded in the desert wanders into a store

and says to the store clerk in a mumbled voice, “water...water...please...water”
The clerk says, “I’m sorry sir but we don’t have any water here, we only sell ties. If you want water, there is a restaurant about 10 miles north of here.”
So the man just barely drags himself 10 miles across the desert to the restaurant, he goes in to the restaurant and says to the host, “water...water...please...water.”
The host says, “I’m sorry sir, but we can’t let you in without a tie.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93763y/a_man_stranded_in_the_desert_wanders_into_a_store/
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Two old jews are talking about their children...

The first one says "My son has decided to stop keeping kosher! Oy! What a terrible world" The second one replies "Your son? \*MY\* son! My son has decided to stop keeping the Sabbath! Oy gevalt! What can we do?" They seek guidance from the chief Rabbi of their village and share their woes with. "Your son?" he replies "\*MY\* son! My son has fallen in love with a shiksa! Can you believe it?" Three of them decide their only recourse is to pray to God and ask for his guidance. And as they are praying a big booming voice from the heavens says "YOUR SON? \*\*MY\*\* SON..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936yih/two_old_jews_are_talking_about_their_children/
%
A beautiful woman has a car accident.

I could tell you how it ends, but you'd be better off reading the version /u/H343now1 posted:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a\_rabbi\_and\_a\_priest\_get\_into\_a\_car\_accident\_and/?ref=share&ref\_source=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_get_into_a_car_accident_and/?ref=share&ref_source=link)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936ycj/a_beautiful_woman_has_a_car_accident/
%
What do Caitlyn Jenner and Wolverine have in common?

They are both X-Men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936u23/what_do_caitlyn_jenner_and_wolverine_have_in/
%
4 Weather Patterns Are In A Race

Sunny gets gold.
Cloudy gets silver.
Snowy gets bronze.
And Rainy gets a precipitation award.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936rzu/4_weather_patterns_are_in_a_race/
%
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_get_into_a_car_accident_and/
%
Man, some dude just poured a gallon of milk all over me

How dairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936gnz/man_some_dude_just_poured_a_gallon_of_milk_all/
%
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.
"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936gm8/i_was_a_new_army_basic_trainee_at_fort_mcclellan/
%
My girlfriend says she can't cope with delivering any more babies.

I think it's just a midwife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93633t/my_girlfriend_says_she_cant_cope_with_delivering/
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A US World War 2 Veteran goes to France

A US WWll vet goes to France with his family for a holiday, as they arrive in France the family all go through border control without a problem. The veteran tries to walk past but is told by a French woman who worked at border control that he can’t as he doesn’t have his passport or papers out.
“You should know that you cannot pass border control without your papers!” The woman says angrily.
The veteran says that he had indeed crossed into France before with no papers.
“Impossible! A French border controller would have looked at your papers” She says, losing her patience.
“Well”, the veteran says, “When I was running up the beaches on D-Day there was no French men around for f—cking miles!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9361xc/a_us_world_war_2_veteran_goes_to_france/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9360e6/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
How many pessimists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Never mind, nobody would get the joke anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93604y/how_many_pessimists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Reddit is insane

It keeps reposting the same things over and over and expecting different results.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/935ym4/reddit_is_insane/
%
Why don't blind people clean up their dogs' mess?

Because they can't see shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/935uk8/why_dont_blind_people_clean_up_their_dogs_mess/
%
A Russian general returns from an inspection trip.

Immediately, he requests an experienced typist:
"Vera Ivanovna, I need to issue an order concerning the state of military discipline. Are you ready? Very well, let's begin."
He paces the office and dictates:
"YOU GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKERS!"
Typist: "Comrades officers,"
"EVERYTHING WENT TO SHIT!"
Typist: "The military discipline is lacking in the troops."
"ALL YOU COCKSUCKERS DO IS WANK AROUND!"
Typist: "Commanding officers are not doing enough to fix the problems."
"TINHEAD MAN-WHORES CRAWL AROUND LIKE PREGNANT COOTER CRABS, DRINK, AND FUCK EVERYTHING THAT MOVES!"
Typist: "The training of the troops is inadequate, and there are reports of drunken disorderly behavior and unbecoming conduct toward the local civilian population."
"I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP!"
Typist: "By my authority as the military district commander,"
"THAT COCK-SOCK WHO THINK HIMSELF A BLIMP GETS A CACTUS UP HIS ASS INSTEAD OF A NEW STAR!"
Typist: "I order the division commander Ivanov reprimanded."
"AND TELL HIM TO SCREW THE REST OF THE HERD HIMSELF."
Typist: "All responsible for this state of affairs are to be punished by the division commander."
"FUCK THIS SHIT!"
Typist: "Military district commander, general Petrov"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/935o5g/a_russian_general_returns_from_an_inspection_trip/
%
Why did Shakespeare write only using quills?

Pencils confused him - 2B or not 2B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/935lbq/why_did_shakespeare_write_only_using_quills/
%
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/935ipr/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon/
%
Why is space cold?

There is no where to plug in the space heaters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/935h3p/why_is_space_cold/
%
It's not pronounced Jalapeño, it's Halapeño

It's not pronounced Juan, it's Huan
It's not pronounced r/jokes, it's really r/hoax

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/935exo/its_not_pronounced_jalapeño_its_halapeño/
%
John and Jim were at the pub.

John timidly ask “Jimmy,have you ever heard that joke about the submarine?”
Jimmy, confused responds “No...you know what? It’s never come up”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/935e1o/john_and_jim_were_at_the_pub/
%
Why do you never hear "my dad is a mechanic"?

Because he nuts and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93588f/why_do_you_never_hear_my_dad_is_a_mechanic/
%
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee
listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks
on wood for good luck. He then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9357gj/three_brothers_age_92_94_and_96_live_in_a_house/
%
A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer go out for a round of golf..

Within a couple holes, they've caught up to the group in front of them. These guys are missing their shots right and left and overall taking their sweet time. Finally the doctor gets fed up and calls the course management. A representative comes out to figure out what's going on, and quickly explains the situation.
"You have to understand," he says. "We had a fire a few years back and these guys desperately tried to save our clubhouse, losing their eyes in the process. For their efforts we gave them free golf for life."
The priest responds, "Oh my god, that's terrible. When I get home I will pray for them. Maybe God will see to giving their sight back."
The doctor chimes in, "Holy crap, how sad. I feel awful for complaining. When I get back to the office on Monday I will start researching possible cures for their eye sight."
The engineer stands their for a couple seconds, thinking to himself. Eventually he pipes up, "So... why can't they play at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9354pi/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_go_out_for_a/
%
My ex wife misses me

But her aim is getting better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9351q0/my_ex_wife_misses_me/
%
What’s the best thing about an Ethiopian blowjob?

You know she will swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/934zg6/whats_the_best_thing_about_an_ethiopian_blowjob/
%
How do you know if someone’s a vegetarian?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/934z0b/how_do_you_know_if_someones_a_vegetarian/
%
Guy walks into a bar with an octopus...

and bets anyone in the bar $100 if they have a musical instrument his octopus can’t play he’ll pay them $10,000. A man immediately hops up with a harmonica, confident he had won the money. But the octopus shows expert skill with the harmonica, receiving a round of applause from the other patrons. Another man hesitantly proceeds with a banjo, laying it on a stool next to the octopus. The octopus eyed the man unwaveringly and reached for the instrument with a single tentacle and pulled it into a familiar position. The man already knew he was beaten before a note was played, not that it stopped the octopus from chopping down a bluegrass solo that elicited another round of applause from a now growing crowd. Then a third man placed a set of bagpipes at the foot of the octopus who had become silent and seemed to apprehend this instrument with a quiet awe. He inspected it closely, then pulled it to one side, then lifted it above and examined it from underneath. His partner now becoming worried leaned in, “Hurry up and play it! There’s a line of people with instruments out here we’re gonna make a fortune!” But the octopus remained diligently observing the bagpipes. “Play it? If I can figure out how to get these pajamas off I’m gonna fuck it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/934x9x/guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus/
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Kid 1: "Hey I bet you're still a virgin"

Kid 2: "Yeah I was a virgin until last night"
Kid 1: "As if"
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister"
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister"
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/934s19/kid_1_hey_i_bet_youre_still_a_virgin/
%
The Bible says it's okay to be gay

So long as you're high
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/934qq5/the_bible_says_its_okay_to_be_gay/
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An American, a Frenchman, and a Canadian go on vacation to Saudi Arabia

...and once there, they are caught drinking smuggled alcohol. They are arrested, and each sentenced to 100 lashes by the whip as punishment.
Now the officer assigned to do the whipping says "It is my favorite wife's birthday, and she asked that I show a little compassion as I work today. I will give each of you one wish to make this less horrid."
The Frenchman is first and, quite pleased with himself, says "I wish to have a pillow strapped to my back." After about 25 lashes, the pillow is in tatters and he's still quite injured.
The Canadian, a little smarter, says "I wish to have two pillos on my back!" And after 50 or so lashes, the pillows are in tatters and he's still punished.
Next comes the American, quite put off by this whole ordeal, who is surprised to hear that despite the animosity, this Saudi quite respects the American people. As such, he will be offered 2 wishes. He says immediately "I wish for a thousand lashes!"
The Saudi is taken aback. He knew all the American movies espoused selflessness and accepting justice, but he would never expect such a display. In awe, he asks "what is your second wish?"
"I want the Canadian and the Frenchie strapped to my back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/934o9x/an_american_a_frenchman_and_a_canadian_go_on/
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What do you call it when Donald Trump picks a new member of the government?

Russian Roulette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/934nyp/what_do_you_call_it_when_donald_trump_picks_a_new/
%
My wife has been unhappy in the bedroom for a while, so I asked her if there was anything I could do to make her happy, she said S&M

So she's sleeping and I'm masturbating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/934lbq/my_wife_has_been_unhappy_in_the_bedroom_for_a/
%
My grandfather was a prison guard.

He told me a story one day about an inmate he knew back years ago. He said
“On my first day of work I spotted this guy who had the nicest cell in the joint. TV, silk sheets, food whenever he wanted it. I had no clue why.
I eventually found out that everyone there - the other guards, the warden, even the other prisoners - found him hilarious. They’d let the rules slip every now and then if he’d tell them a joke and make them laugh.
At the end of my first week there, I caught the guy with some contraband - drugs or something, I can’t remember anymore. But I decided to give him a chance to make me laugh, like everyone else did.  So he takes out a box of tic-tacs, looks at it for a second and tells me a joke. Easily the funniest thing I’d ever heard; I was in tears with laughter. I let him go on his way.
At the end of my first month I caught this guy again doing something against the rules. He was  walking back to his cell after getting a visit from his comedian brother, carry packets of polo mints. So I tell him to make me laugh and I’ll let him go. He opens up one of the polo packets, looks at the mint for a second, then eats it. While he’s doing it he tells me the best joke I’ve ever heard - my sides were splitting with laughter. I let him go on his way.
At the end of my first year, however, things took a turn for the worse for this guy. His brother died and the guy just wasn’t funny anymore. He couldn’t tell a joke to save his life. Eventually he lost all his special privileges. One day he cracked and told us all why he wasn’t funny anymore. His brother had been the one writing the jokes, and smuggling them into the prison. He didn’t have any good jokes of his own.”
“Wow, I said, “how did his brother do that?”
“You see son,” my grandfather replied......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/934jmt/my_grandfather_was_a_prison_guard/
%
Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

Convincing your girlfriend she's a robot with artificially implanted human emotions is called bladerunning.
It's a Phillip K. Dick move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/934iyo/convincing_your_girlfriend_shes_crazy_is_called/
%
A women is in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.
He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.
As she walks past the gallery her husband, who is not happy with the sentence, shouts at the Judge "SHE HAD TWO TINS OF PEAS AS WELL"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/934i6m/a_women_is_in_court_for_shoplifting_a_tin_of/
%
A man was driving down the road with 10 penguins in the back of his car

The police spot him driving down the road and stop him. They tell him that he shouldn’t be driving around with the penguins and that he should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the police see the man again with the 10 penguins in the back of his car and pull him over again.
The officer says “I thought I told you to take them to a zoo?!”
“I did” the driver replied “and today I’m taking them to the movies”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/934f4n/a_man_was_driving_down_the_road_with_10_penguins/
%
An old man goes to the Wizard

...to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/934b0k/an_old_man_goes_to_the_wizard/
%
Two women are smoking cigarettes outside...

...when all of a sudden, it starts to rain. One woman reaches into her pocketbook and pulls out a small square item. She tears it open and unfurls a condom, only to place it over her cigarette, which keeps it dry.
The other woman looks on in awe. “What is that thing? It’s genius! Normally I have to put out my smoke when it starts to rain - I have to get one of those!”
The first woman replies, “oh it’s just a condom. They sell them at the drug store around the corner.”
After work that day, the second woman hurries over to the drugstore and walks up to the pharmacist. “Excuse me sir, I’d like to buy some condoms.”
“Of course, ma’am! What size would you like?”
“Oh just one that will fit a camel”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93480y/two_women_are_smoking_cigarettes_outside/
%
Which number confuses people?

82

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9345hn/which_number_confuses_people/
%
Put the lid down after you poop a thousand times and no one cares

But forget to lift it beforehand once and suddenly you're the bad guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9345bh/put_the_lid_down_after_you_poop_a_thousand_times/
%
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance.
She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years!!
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9343e8/a_middle_aged_woman_has_a_heart_attack_and_is/
%
What is the most ironic name for a fat man?

Jim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933zzi/what_is_the_most_ironic_name_for_a_fat_man/
%
Three days ago a lesbian couple were trying to decide where to go for lunch

They are still deciding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933zap/three_days_ago_a_lesbian_couple_were_trying_to/
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A rich couple lost all their money and was trying to think of ways to restore their fortunes.

The husband says to the wife “if you learn to cook, we could get rid of the housekeeper”
She laughed and replied “if you learned to please me in bed, we could get rid of the gardener”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933wxk/a_rich_couple_lost_all_their_money_and_was_trying/
%
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history."
The teached asked, "Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki's.
"Patrick Henry 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said '...government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response, except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki raised his hand, "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point a student said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Who said that?"
Suzuki said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumped up waving his hand and shouted, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
With near mob hysteria, someone screamed, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki yelled, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.
One of the kids said, "Oh shit, we're in big trouble!"
Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933thn/the_teacher_said_lets_begin_by_reviewing_some/
%
Animals in the forest have a meeting. The bear as the chief of the forest decides to create an outhouse and they immediatelly built it.

The next day the outhouse has broken window.
So the Bear called everyone and said:
Who knows something about that?
A squirel put her arm up and says:
"I know something about that.."
"I was jumping from a branch to a branch and suddenly the wolf took me, clean his ass with me and throw me through that window"
The Bear asked the wolf if it is truth.
He says: "You know, there wasn't paper so I had to do it."
The bear said him to apologize and repair that and he did it.
The next day the outhouse has broken door.
So the Bear called everyone and said:
Who knows something about that?
A rabbit put his arm up and says:
"I know something about that.."
"I was jumping from a stump to a stump and suddenly the wolf took me, clean his ass with me and throw me through those door"
The Bear asked the wolf if it is truth.
He says: "You know, there wasn't paper so I had to do it."
The bear said him to apologize and repair that and he did it.
The next day the outhouse was totally destroyed.
So the Bear called everyone and said:
Who knows something about that?
A hedgehog put his arm up and says:
"I know something about that.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933pkn/animals_in_the_forest_have_a_meeting_the_bear_as/
%
What's the difference between a ginger and a brick?

At least the brick gets laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933o7n/whats_the_difference_between_a_ginger_and_a_brick/
%
My girlfriend recently developed a lazy eye.

I think she started seeing people on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933nrl/my_girlfriend_recently_developed_a_lazy_eye/
%
Babies and animals love me...

Basically, anyone not smart enough to know better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933mmk/babies_and_animals_love_me/
%
To the guy who stole my antidepresants,

I hope you're happy now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933lo9/to_the_guy_who_stole_my_antidepresants/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have $1.77 and a whole bunch of counterfeits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933lis/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
What's the difference between a bucket and a tub?

For starters, the bucket pails in comparison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933hjc/whats_the_difference_between_a_bucket_and_a_tub/
%
"I saw a job advertised as a fanny waxers assistant"

Job includes; removing ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing and rub oil in after waxing. When i asked at the job centre, they said i had to go to Cornwall. I said, "why is that where the job is?" No they said, "thats where the fucking back of the queue is!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933fil/i_saw_a_job_advertised_as_a_fanny_waxers_assistant/
%
Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?

Because it's pecker is on it's head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933esg/why_doesnt_a_chicken_wear_pants/
%
An artist was found dead in his home

The details are a bit sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933dyh/an_artist_was_found_dead_in_his_home/
%
I hate to say my aunt was parsimonious, but . . .

when she died and went towards the light it was just to shut it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933d6i/i_hate_to_say_my_aunt_was_parsimonious_but/
%
Doctor, how can I live longer

than 100 years?
Do you smoke?
No.
Do you eat too much?
No.
Do you go to bed late?
No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9337c9/doctor_how_can_i_live_longer/
%
I went Chopin but I forgot my Liszt

So I'll go Bach home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9335k0/i_went_chopin_but_i_forgot_my_liszt/
%
Suspecting a Cheating Spouse

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving around the corner as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way.
I once picked up her cell phone just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/933461/suspecting_a_cheating_spouse/
%
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he is shivering and shaking. The other flea asked him, “Why are shaking so badly?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”
The other flea says, “That’s the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.”
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by…
When the first flea shows up in Miami he shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, “Didn’t you try what I told you?”
“Yes!” says the first flea. “I did exactly what you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93325j/two_fleas_had_an_arrangement_to_meet_every_winter/
%
A blue whale's vagina is so big and deep that 5-6 men can easily lay down in it, making it the world's biggest pussy after..

After^Italy^during^both^world^wars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/932yzv/a_blue_whales_vagina_is_so_big_and_deep_that_56/
%
Why do they call # hashtag and not pound

Because feminists wouldn’t appreciate PoundMeToo movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/932y3p/why_do_they_call_hashtag_and_not_pound/
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What's the difference between an art student and a park bench?

A bench can support a family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/932xdq/whats_the_difference_between_an_art_student_and_a/
%
I make a living cleaning Muslim women's head coverings.

It's a dirty hijab, but someone's gotta do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/932v52/i_make_a_living_cleaning_muslim_womens_head/
%
Bills

Two thieves break into a bank after a lot of difficulty. Hearing police sirens, they each grab a sack from the vault and run for their lives.
8 months later, after the commotion about the robbery dies down, the thieves meet up casually to talk at a bar about the robbery:
Thief 1: Hey man!! It's been a long time!
Thief 2: Yeah it sure has been long.
T1: What did you get in your sack?
T2: I sure struck gold! I found lots of $500 bills.... I bought a new mansion, married, donated some to charity and put the rest in the bank. Life is amazing! What about you?
T1: I found bills in my sack too.
T2: What did you do with them?
T1: I'm trying to pay them off one by one......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/932sgw/bills/
%
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "Well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/932hwk/a_woman_asked_a_general_in_the_army_the_last_time/
%
What's the best thing about dating 26 year olds?

Honestly I'm looking for a persuasive answer, I need to tell my wife something convincing or she's going to straight up kill me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/932frz/whats_the_best_thing_about_dating_26_year_olds/
%
What's the greenest place on the internet?

R/jokes, where everything is reused and recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/932a54/whats_the_greenest_place_on_the_internet/
%
There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9329wt/there_was_a_bulgarian_man_who_drove_trains/
%
Why did the computer get drunk?

Because it took too many screenshots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93295t/why_did_the_computer_get_drunk/
%
Life hack

If you sleep till noon you only have to pay for two meals instead of three.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9323fz/life_hack/
%
A Man Walks Up To A Woman At A Bar...

He flirts with her. He makes small talk, but the woman insists she isn't going home with him.
The man says, "What if I gave you a million dollars to sleep with me?"
The woman gives his offer considerable thought and agrees.
The guy changes his mind and says, "How about a dollar?"
She's like, "what kind of woman do you think I am?"
He replies, "We already figured that out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/931xlf/a_man_walks_up_to_a_woman_at_a_bar/
%
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" "No dad."

"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?
"No dad, not at all."
"Are you gay?
"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/931wai/have_you_not_got_a_girlfriend_no_dad/
%
Why was Heisenberg such a bad lover?

A: When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position, and when he found the position, he couldn't muster up the momentum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/931w9u/why_was_heisenberg_such_a_bad_lover/
%
Shout out...

to anyone who asks what the opposite of in is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/931t53/shout_out/
%
What did the apologetic rapist say to the virgin.

I'm sorry for taking your virginity, it won't happen again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/931qbh/what_did_the_apologetic_rapist_say_to_the_virgin/
%
A pastor was accused of sexual misconduct

When interrogated by police, he said "I don't understand, she gave consent...I asked if she'd volunteer for a missionary position and she enthusiastically accepted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/931mdc/a_pastor_was_accused_of_sexual_misconduct/
%
Why don’t women wear skirts in the winter?

Because their lips would get chapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/931jbp/why_dont_women_wear_skirts_in_the_winter/
%
My wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives.

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/931gqy/my_wife_just_accused_me_of_hating_her_side_of_the/
%
Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they can never find home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/931fq9/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
A child asked his mom, "Mom how did I get my name?"

"Well Rose, when you were born a rose petal fell on your head, so we called you Rose"
Another child came up to her " Mom how did you get my name?"
"Well Daisy, when you were born, a daisy petal fell on you, so that's what we called you.
Child 3: "Mmmm Uuuuuuuuuu Mmmmmmmmm Eeeeeee Mahhhhh Mahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Mom: "Shut up fridge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/931eyu/a_child_asked_his_mom_mom_how_did_i_get_my_name/
%
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/931axd/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
%
If a lawyer is defending the porn industry in court...

...are they doing pro boner legal work?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9319lr/if_a_lawyer_is_defending_the_porn_industry_in/
%
What does Will Riker call his penis?

The Enterprise D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/93118h/what_does_will_riker_call_his_penis/
%
What do you call a sad German?

Saur krout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9310pt/what_do_you_call_a_sad_german/
%
A young boy was at the corner of a grocery store picking out a box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. 'Oh, no laundry,' the boy said, 'I'm going to wash my dog.' 'But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.' But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. 'Oh, he died,' the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, 'I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.' 'Well,' the boy replied, 'I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.' 'Oh? What was it then?'
The boy replied, 'I think it was the spin cycle!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930wtk/a_young_boy_was_at_the_corner_of_a_grocery_store/
%
Why are pirates called “pirates”?

Nobody knows, they just aar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930vkx/why_are_pirates_called_pirates/
%
An elderly couple have been married for 60 years.

One day, out of the blue, the husband announces to his wife, “After living for so long and observing so much, I have decided that men have it worse in this world.”
The wife is clearly upset by his comment, and asks him to elaborate. So the husband continues, “Women start having periods during puberty, so you have to deal with bleeding, cramps, PMS, and all sorts of complications.”
“I agree with you so far,” the wife scoffs.
The husband continues, “Then, you start having babies. You have to deal with the morning sickness, the constant odd cravings, and eventually go through labor: a pain I can’t even imagine.”
The wife nods smugly, and urges him to continue.
“Finally,” the husband said, “you have menopause. You have to deal with the mood swings, the hot flashes, and, possibly worse of all, coming to terms with your own mortality.”
At this point, the wife was visibly confused. “I agree completely with everything you’ve said so far,” she said, “but if all that is true, how in the world do men have it worse?”
“Because we have to deal with women!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930uw5/an_elderly_couple_have_been_married_for_60_years/
%
why does Waldo wear stripes?

because he dosn't want to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930tyg/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
There once was a young man named Tibbs

Who made all the ladies cry 'Dibs!'
He didn't have money
And wasn't that funny
but his cock was so big it had ribs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930tsv/there_once_was_a_young_man_named_tibbs/
%
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

Because none of them have dental records and all of their DNA is the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930m8t/why_are_redneck_murders_so_hard_to_solve/
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Two marines are flying into an unfamiliar airport

The put the flaps up and descend lower, lower, lower and finally touch down. The brakes of the plane screeches and howl unlike anything you've ever heard. The plane comes to a stop just inches from the terminal. The pilot exlaims "that's the shortest damn runway I've ever seen". The co-pilot looks to the left, then looks to the right and says "Yea, but it sure is wide"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930m28/two_marines_are_flying_into_an_unfamiliar_airport/
%
What do Lifeguards and Rick and Morty's Space cruiser have in common?

Keep Summer Safe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930lzr/what_do_lifeguards_and_rick_and_mortys_space/
%
3 men are in training for a position with the CIA...

All 3 of them have passed every written assessment, cleared all of the physical trials, and only have to face one final test.
The first of the three walks into the room and faces the panel of examiners. They hand him a gun and tell him all he has to do now is prove his loyalty by entering the next room and killing the person in the chair.
He steels himself and walks in to find his wife sitting in the chair. As soon as he recognizes her he crumbles. He immediately drops the gun and walks out of the room, defeated.
The second man is given the same task. He takes the gun and walks in to find his wife in the chair. His determination falters but he steadies himself and takes aim. After a second he acknowledges that he'll never be able to pull the trigger and he leaves the room, hands the gun back, and dismisses himself.
The third man is handed the gun and given the same instructions. He disappears into the next room and the examiners wait patiently outside. After a short wait they hear a gunshot and expect him to come back out soon after. But instead they hear a big commotion, a scream, and then silence.
The third man tumbles out of the room, wiping his brow and wearing a triumphant smile.
"The damn gun was loaded with a blank. But don't worry, I was able to beat the bitch to death with the chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930lcr/3_men_are_in_training_for_a_position_with_the_cia/
%
After witnessing the second coming of Jesus, I have decided to make some serious changes in my life.

I’m never watching Mexican porn again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930kxx/after_witnessing_the_second_coming_of_jesus_i/
%
A man gets pulled over...

A man gets pulled over by a local sheriff. The sheriff walks up to the man’s window and says “I pulled you over because you didn’t come to a full stop at that stop sign back there.”
“Yeah, but I slowed down...” the man tells him.
Quickly, the sheriff reaches into the man’s car, grabs him by the hair and starts smashing the man’s face over and over into the steering wheel and asks him, “Now do you want me to stop? Or do you want me to slow down?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930j8g/a_man_gets_pulled_over/
%
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay”

Mom: *looks at Dad*
Dad: *clenches fist*
Mom: “don’t you dare!”
Dad: “hi gay, I’m Dad!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930ish/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
%
A man was arrested for killing a cow in a rice field using only 2 small porcelain figures.

Police say this may be the first known case of a Knick-knack paddy whack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930h2x/a_man_was_arrested_for_killing_a_cow_in_a_rice/
%
People don’t realize that vandalizing Trumps Hollywood Star is a bad thing

It guarantees him the newest and shiniest star on the walk. Art of the the Deal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930ger/people_dont_realize_that_vandalizing_trumps/
%
Did you hear the one about the deaf guy who walked into a bar?

Neither did he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/930bk1/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_deaf_guy_who/
%
Donald Duck

What’s Donald Duck’s drug of choice?
Quack Cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9305vn/donald_duck/
%
Anyone read the article about how masturbation will make you go blind?

I'm going to need one of you to read it to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9304s4/anyone_read_the_article_about_how_masturbation/
%
Have you heard about my pickle?

It's kind of a big dill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9301m8/have_you_heard_about_my_pickle/
%
I’ll never join one of those online dating services because I prefer to meet someone the good old-fashioned way...

Through alcohol and poor judgement...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92zyr9/ill_never_join_one_of_those_online_dating/
%
I made a salad yesterday.

It wasn't very good.
So I tossed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92zw70/i_made_a_salad_yesterday/
%
What do you call an Italian moose on an incline

Moose-a-leani

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92zuoz/what_do_you_call_an_italian_moose_on_an_incline/
%
I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92zpv7/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
%
Alabama

I bet the only good thing about living in Alabama is having your state come up first when you're filling out online information.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92zng7/alabama/
%
Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in the state of West Virginia?

Yeah if it were invented anywhere else it would be called a ‘teethbrush’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92zmus/did_you_know_that_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
%
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92zl59/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
%
Proximity ejaculation is the greatest fetish.

Nothing else comes close.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92zjxi/proximity_ejaculation_is_the_greatest_fetish/
%
Superman sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on the top of a building

he is overcome with passion, and simply cannot help himself, he flies down and, faster than a speeding bullet, has his way with her.
"What the fuck was that?"  she said!
To which, the Invisible Man replied, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92zisd/superman_sees_wonder_woman_sunbathing_nude_on_the/
%
The master of puns

All my life, I had loved puns. There was next to no situation that couldn't do with a good puns. My friends had a love/hate relationship with me sometimes, because I cranked them out, one after another.
Eventually, sick of them, but also slightly amused, one close friend suggest I enter competitions, just simple ones that you could fill out a form with your best pun and see if you could win a prize.
I decided to give it a go, but didn't even get in the top 5 in the first competition, and it was a real blow to my morale. I wanted to try again, so I tried 2 competitions at the same time, but I had an even worse result.
My friends were there to comfort me, but I decided to give it one last try, as surely with a lot more puns I could win. I went and entered 10 different puns into 10 different competitions, sure that I would get a result, and went to check later on if I won, but no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92zfip/the_master_of_puns/
%
Why did the duck stand in the middle of the road?

He wanted to prove he's not a chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92zepz/why_did_the_duck_stand_in_the_middle_of_the_road/
%
My first football game was like the time I lost my virginity.

I mean I kinda cried a little... but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92zcyf/my_first_football_game_was_like_the_time_i_lost/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92z6xx/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a magnificent cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92z2va/miss_beatrice_the_church_organist_was_in_her/
%
What's one thing that women hate more than being stared at?

When you stare at the woman standing next to them.
That's my original for the year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92z1z8/whats_one_thing_that_women_hate_more_than_being/
%
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but how the hell did they get in there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92z1yf/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the referee was blowing fowls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92yq1t/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_basketball_court/
%
Three men get lost in the forest and are found by a group of cannibals

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with **watermelons.**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92yleh/three_men_get_lost_in_the_forest_and_are_found_by/
%
Why did the psychic medium hang himself?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ykdz/why_did_the_psychic_medium_hang_himself/
%
If Hillary Clinton won she would’ve been the first F president.

I didn’t say female because someone deleted the emale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92yjhh/if_hillary_clinton_won_she_wouldve_been_the_first/
%
Your mom is so fat

That yesterday someone tried to convince me she was flat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92yi86/your_mom_is_so_fat/
%
The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.
The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."
The soldier shrugs and says, "Step on it with my boot, check the area for more, and providing I don't find any, go to sleep."
Next the marine pipes in, "I'd chop off its tail with my knife and eat the body for substance!"
The interviewer moves on to the Air Force Sergeant. "And What would you do?"
He responds, "Well the first thing I'd do is call the front desk and demand to know exactly whose idea of a joke it was to set up a fucking tent in my hotel room!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92yhvk/the_department_of_defense_wanted_to_improve_their/
%
I like my men like I like my books

Well read and bound in leather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92yh2o/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_books/
%
How does Jesus make tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ye8a/how_does_jesus_make_tea/
%
"Private Jenkins, I did not see you in the camouflage-training yesterday!"

"Thank you, sir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ydnv/private_jenkins_i_did_not_see_you_in_the/
%
This woman agreed to go out with me after I bought her a bottle of tonic water.......

I guess I just Schwepped her off her feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92y941/this_woman_agreed_to_go_out_with_me_after_i/
%
A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.

"What's your favourite flavour?" asks the friend.
"Charm," replies the physicist.
His friend looks at him.
"Why is it that whenever I ask you a question," begins the friend, "your answer is always strange?"
"Well it's strange *now*," the physicist protests, "shouldn't have waited a picosecond."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92y664/a_quantum_physicist_and_his_friend_go_out_for_ice/
%
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them...

He asked, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh come on!! Not you as well?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92y5f4/i_told_my_friend_people_keep_accidentally_asking/
%
There are 3 things I like

Fucking dogs and not using commas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92y540/there_are_3_things_i_like/
%
Why do you never see transgender people with kids?

Because they're transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xzov/why_do_you_never_see_transgender_people_with_kids/
%
I think my mom is slipping me drugs.

I know, that's a hard pill to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xyvx/i_think_my_mom_is_slipping_me_drugs/
%
A man gets upset at a local restaurant over finding a hair in his soup. He storms out without paying as the waitress follows him across the street to the local brothel.

She walks right in and says.
"You wouldn't pay for your your soup because you found a hair in now I find you buried face deep in a hairy vagina?!?
He replies.
" that's right and I'll tell ya something else, if I find a noddle in this I ain't paying for it either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xxsg/a_man_gets_upset_at_a_local_restaurant_over/
%
A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."
"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.
"Exactly, so where's my present?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xwwm/a_man_was_arrested_and_taken_to_an_interrogation/
%
What do you get when you pants the Pillsbury boy?

Dough nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xuvn/what_do_you_get_when_you_pants_the_pillsbury_boy/
%
"Bot Rule" has extended past reddit, and taken over the muggle and wizarding worlds

Giant posters all over the country let everyone know that the population is now under *Bot Rule*.
Any opposition to *Bot Rule* is met with swift punishment
Sickened, Harry Potter waves his wand at the nearest poster, rearranging the letters of the twisted sign.
"This spell's trouble", thought Ron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xqeb/bot_rule_has_extended_past_reddit_and_taken_over/
%
I asked the witness if he needed to go to the restroom.

I could tell from his testimony that he was full of crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xq1b/i_asked_the_witness_if_he_needed_to_go_to_the/
%
A boy is selling fish on a corner

. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xo8o/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
%
Thomas is 32 years old

and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xn8g/thomas_is_32_years_old/
%
A teacher asks her class

, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xm1i/a_teacher_asks_her_class/
%
Once all the engineering professors

were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?
Then the principal replied
“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xlb2/once_all_the_engineering_professors/
%
My girlfriend came through the front door and moaned, "I had to walk home in the rain and now I'm really wet!"

I replied, "You get turned on by the weirdest shit…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xkn4/my_girlfriend_came_through_the_front_door_and/
%
I’m trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament for a while, but it is not easy.

Good players are hard to find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xj3m/im_trying_to_organize_a_hide_and_seek_tournament/
%
Pancakes

A housewife visits a doctor. She told him that she’s worried about her 5 year old son’s small penis. He said her problem is solved. “You just have to prepare every morning some pancakes for breakfast. It will help grow its size overtime”.
The next day, she did gladly prepared the breakfast as per doctor’s advise. She made 10 pancakes that morning. When her son saw the pancakes, he was screaming and was so excited to have it. “Yeheey! pancakes!”. She then stop him and said “Wait..wait… you can only have 3, the rest is for your Dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xb4p/pancakes/
%
On his recent visit to England Trump is very taken with all the pomp and regalia of royalty...

So while having dinner seated next to the Queen he announces boldly that from here on in he would like the USA to be referred to as the "United Kingdom of America!"
The Queen shakes her head and says somewhat admonishingly, "My dear Donald you can't do that - you are not a King".
A bit defeated and a bit petulantly Trump retries... "Then I want the USA to be called the Principality of the Americas!"
Queen Elizabeth rolls her eyes and tsks pitifully and says, "but Donald... you are not a Prince."
"A Monarchy?" Donald asks pleadingly, now rather dejected and a tear forming in his eye.
"Not a Monarch", the Queen snaps now more than a little exasperated...
"Then what can I call it?" Donald whines.
After a few moments the Queen replies, somewhat smugly... "I think you should stick to calling it a Country".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92xa6l/on_his_recent_visit_to_england_trump_is_very/
%
My dad is so racist. He doesn't like black people. He doesn't even like their feet.

I guess you could say that he's Blacktoes intolerant.
(Credit to my father for this original joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92x5tz/my_dad_is_so_racist_he_doesnt_like_black_people/
%
My friend was too afraid to lose her virginity

So I just gave her a friendly tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92x5se/my_friend_was_too_afraid_to_lose_her_virginity/
%
Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say," Esther, I'd like a ride in that helicopter". Esther replied,"I know Morris but that helicopter ride is $50, and $50 is $50.
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said," Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance!" To this Esther replied,"Morris that ride s $50, and $50 is $50!
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet the entire ride and not say a word, i'll not charge you! But, if you say one word it's $50.
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all sorts of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed the pilot turned to Morris and said,"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't! I'm impressed!"
Morris said "Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know $50 is $50!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92wy7h/fifty_dollars_is_fifty_dollars/
%
Have you heard about the movie named Constipation?

Son: No I haven't.
Dad: Thats becuase it hasn't came out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92wwde/have_you_heard_about_the_movie_named_constipation/
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My Vietnamese neighbor brought me some pho

A Vietnamese woman recently moved in next door. I guess she wanted to make friends so she brought me a bowl of pho. She didn’t say anything and smiled, so I assumed she didn’t speak English.
That night, I devoured the Vietnamese delicacy but quickly realized it gave me a cold, as I was coughing my heart out.
The next day, she comes back to collect the bowl. She says in English, “Bowl please.” I thought this was broken English so I tried to speak back and tell her how I caught a cold from the pho. I said “pho cough”. I wonder why she hates me now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92wtpw/my_vietnamese_neighbor_brought_me_some_pho/
%
How do you drown a hipster?

Throw him in..... the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92wtai/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
What does Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

"They're both looking for a tight seal." Master shake - aqua teen hunger force

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92wmpu/what_does_tupperware_and_a_walrus_have_in_common/
%
Do you know that the word "reddit" is a portmanteau?

It is a blend of two words, "repost" and "edit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92wjsn/do_you_know_that_the_word_reddit_is_a_portmanteau/
%
Has he been having sex with her for real.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.
During his meal,his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder If there's more
between him and his roommate.
Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him
saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've
been unable to find the silver plate. You don't
suppose your mother took It, do you?
He said, "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be
Sure! He sat down and wrote,
Dear mom,
After your visit me, the silver plate has been missing.
"I'm not saying that you did take the silver plate from
my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it,
but the fact remains that it has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.
Love, Your son.”
Several days later, he received an email from his
mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you do sleep with your
roommate, and I'm not saying that you don't sleep
with her: but the fact remains that if she was sleeping
in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver
plate by now, under her pillow.
Love, Mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92wgtl/has_he_been_having_sex_with_her_for_real/
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What did Gordon Ramsey say about the redditor’s meal?

It’s fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92welc/what_did_gordon_ramsey_say_about_the_redditors/
%
Guy sits down at a bar and orders 3 shots.

Bartender: “What are you celebrating tonight young man?”
Guy: “I just had my first blowjob.”
Bartender: “Congratulations have a 4th shot on the house.”
Guy: “Thanks, but if 3 won’t get rid of the taste I don’t know what will.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92w92w/guy_sits_down_at_a_bar_and_orders_3_shots/
%
Did you hear about the guy who didn't see that well?

He fell into that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92w6go/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_didnt_see_that_well/
%
A dick has a sad life.

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy & his owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92w0ak/a_dick_has_a_sad_life/
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That’s the last time I go to the internet for sex tips...

...I Googled ‘fingering a girl guide’ and got 20 years in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92vzja/thats_the_last_time_i_go_to_the_internet_for_sex/
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“What are your career goals?”

Me: I’d like a job in agriculture.
“Why?”
Me: It’s a growing field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92vxyu/what_are_your_career_goals/
%
What is the best career as a spider?

A web developer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92vvrt/what_is_the_best_career_as_a_spider/
%
One day, Obi-Wan and Luke visit a Chinese restaurant.

Obi-Wan is eating normally, but Luke is having so much trouble with the chopsticks he's spilling the food all over the table.
Eventually, Obi-Wan becomes angry and says, "Use the forks, Luke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92vuab/one_day_obiwan_and_luke_visit_a_chinese_restaurant/
%
"What did you think of my new Fibonacci joke?" the man asked.

"It was as bad as your previous two Fibonacci jokes combined," she taunted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92vtxc/what_did_you_think_of_my_new_fibonacci_joke_the/
%
Batman: "Alfred, why do people deny global warming?"

Alfred: "Some men just want to watch the world burn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92vspl/batman_alfred_why_do_people_deny_global_warming/
%
Mississippi

Two Italian men get on a bus
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92vqah/mississippi/
%
I bought a sex robot that’s so realistic

It won’t have sex with me either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92vizv/i_bought_a_sex_robot_thats_so_realistic/
%
Towards...

Is only one word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92vh2o/towards/
%
Hey girl are you a smoke detector?

Because I want to smash you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92vgv7/hey_girl_are_you_a_smoke_detector/
%
Hey girl are you a toilet plunger?

Because you like to bring old shit up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92vbrx/hey_girl_are_you_a_toilet_plunger/
%
What's the difference between a Marine and submarine?

Nothing. The Navy goes down on both of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92vb7r/whats_the_difference_between_a_marine_and/
%
I'm going to make a game about free running horses

And I'll call it "sarah jessica parkour".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92var1/im_going_to_make_a_game_about_free_running_horses/
%
Why are experienced doctors more calm?

They have more patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92vab9/why_are_experienced_doctors_more_calm/
%
Why did the chicken cross the world?

To get to the same side.
(As told by my 7-year old daughter)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92v7hh/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_world/
%
My dad asked me

"Son, have I been a good father?"
I said "Dad, you're the best! Why do you ask?"
He said, "I wanted to make sure the way you turned out is your fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92v6hf/my_dad_asked_me/
%
I don't have a great relationship with my doctor.

In fact, I feel sick every time I see her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92v2ts/i_dont_have_a_great_relationship_with_my_doctor/
%
What does a Tickle Me Elmo get right before he leaves the factory?

Two test tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92uy63/what_does_a_tickle_me_elmo_get_right_before_he/
%
A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “what are those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are repost-Clocks, every subreddit on Earth has a repost-Clock. Every time the sub reposts the hands on the clock will move.”
“Oh.” said the man, “Which clock is that?”
“That’s /r/originalcontent. The hands have never moved, indicating that there are no reposts there.”
“Incredible!” said the man. He then sees another clock and asks which clock it is.
“That’s /r/listentoobscure clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that the sub merely has two reposts.”
He then goes into Jesus's office and sees a fan. "What is that? There shouldn't be any electronic equipment in heaven right?"
"Of course not. That's the clock of /r/jokes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92uwvu/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
I told my girlfriend that mom is deaf, so be sure to speak loud and slow…

Told mom that my girlfriend is retarded…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92utjb/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_mom_is_deaf_so_be_sure/
%
What do you call a shoe made out of banana?

A slipper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ut6l/what_do_you_call_a_shoe_made_out_of_banana/
%
What do you call an irrational snake?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92upxy/what_do_you_call_an_irrational_snake/
%
3 conspiracy theorists walked into a bar...

You CAN NOT tell me that is just a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92umm1/3_conspiracy_theorists_walked_into_a_bar/
%
I had to give up my job as the triangle player in a reggae band

It was just one ting after another

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ulyg/i_had_to_give_up_my_job_as_the_triangle_player_in/
%
One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.
35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.
Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of control and crashes into the lake.
Fishermen from around the lake start diving in, trying to rescue the driver, but the car has descended too far into the deep water.
The man steps up, and without a second thought, jumps in.
The fishermen watch as 30 seconds pass...
.
.
.
.
.
1 minute...
.
.
.
.
.
2 minutes...
.
.
.
.
.
3 minutes...
.
.
.
.
.
"He's gone", think the fishermen, "there's no way he can survive this long under water".
After 20 minutes, the emergency services finally arrive and the fishermen direct them to where the car went down.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, something bobs up to the surface... not one, but two people! The man had saved the driver!
As they pull themselves ashore, everyone gathers round in amazement. "How the hell did you manage to survive so long underwater and dive so deep?"
"Well, I'm retired now, but I have a lot of experience", replies the man, "I spent 35 long years as a sub-marine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92uhp2/one_day_a_man_decides_to_join_the_us_marine_corps/
%
I've just been fired from my job at the guitar store for sexual misconduct.

I was spending all day fiddling with G-strings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92uft1/ive_just_been_fired_from_my_job_at_the_guitar/
%
"DO NOT TOUCH"

would probably be a really unsettling thing to read in braille.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ufi1/do_not_touch/
%
Cinderella's dress

must have been very revealing if the prince looked at her all evening without being able to remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92uero/cinderellas_dress/
%
The bermuda triangle used to be known as the bermuda rectangle,

until one of the sides mysteriously vanished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ueib/the_bermuda_triangle_used_to_be_known_as_the/
%
I don’t quite understand this hate against vegans.

I’ve never had a beef with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ud6v/i_dont_quite_understand_this_hate_against_vegans/
%
I've just been scammed by a Nigerian Prince

His version of Purple Rain was abysmal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ucg4/ive_just_been_scammed_by_a_nigerian_prince/
%
Really freaked out for a bit, my computer was giving me personalised Jesus quotes.

Turns out I had it set to depeche mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92u9n2/really_freaked_out_for_a_bit_my_computer_was/
%
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92u80i/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_at/
%
If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, just remember...

There is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92u77m/if_you_ever_feel_like_your_job_is_meaningless/
%
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested

I heard that they’re giving him a really tough sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92u70z/the_world_tonguetwister_champion_just_got_arrested/
%
A little boy goes to his grandma and asks:

"Granny is mom going to heaven?"
Grandmother:"Why would you think that?"
Little Boy:"I heard her screaming, "Oh god I'm coming!", last night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92u6mj/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_grandma_and_asks/
%
I used to have a fear of elevators...

But I took steps to get around it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92u5xs/i_used_to_have_a_fear_of_elevators/
%
A grandmother said to her grandson,

"The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."
He replied, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92u4k9/a_grandmother_said_to_her_grandson/
%
I have 200hrs of the TV show 'Hoarders' on my DVR.

I know I'm never going to watch it all but I can't bring myself to get rid of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92u3lh/i_have_200hrs_of_the_tv_show_hoarders_on_my_dvr/
%
A trip with the dad

So me and my dad were driving home the other day,  it was about 12pm so it was quite dark. We were driving through the woods when we went over a bump, and when we did I heard a crunch. I told my dad to stop the car so we can see what happened. I got out and saw that there was a dead rabbit next to the rear right wheel, I shouted over to my dad "You hit a rabbit, it's a wee bit squished". he came round and shook his head, he bent down and took a bottle out from his jacket. He started pouring the contents of his bottle onto the dead animal, I looked in confusion. Then suddenly the rabbit jumped up, and started running into the woods. But every meter it went it would wave at us. So me being confused out my mind ask my dad what the bottle was.
"Revitalizing hair shampoo with extra waves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92u2sx/a_trip_with_the_dad/
%
Wives are like boomerangs...

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92u0l9/wives_are_like_boomerangs/
%
Hey girl are you r/Jokes.

Because you keep repeating the same thing everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92tyva/hey_girl_are_you_rjokes/
%
Hey girl, do you work on a chicken farm?

'Cuz you definitely know how to raise a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92tyna/hey_girl_do_you_work_on_a_chicken_farm/
%
What tree does bacon grow on?

Porcupine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ttc5/what_tree_does_bacon_grow_on/
%
Hey girl, are you a parking ticket?

Because I picked you up on the street and now I can't afford to pay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92tsgj/hey_girl_are_you_a_parking_ticket/
%
Little David came home from school one day

...and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.”
“What?” his father replied.
“When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘GOD, I’m coming, Oh God I’m coming.’
If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92trcx/little_david_came_home_from_school_one_day/
%
An old man and woman were married for years...

...even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.  A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: **“When I die, I will dig my way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”**
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for the missing pets in the neighborhood. There were also strange sounds and funny smells at all hours. The man was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
One day, he died abruptly under strange circumstances, and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, his wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: “Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man practiced black magic and stated that when he died, he would dig his way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old guy dig. I had him buried face down.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92tqva/an_old_man_and_woman_were_married_for_years/
%
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92tqow/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
%
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws were wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92tp6i/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
How many ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb?

LETS GO RIDE BIKES

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92tn3u/how_many_adhd_kids_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Talking Dog for Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do,” the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”
“After being the CIA’s spy, I was then approached by one of my colleagues who had recently gone into the world of Hollywood. He wanted me to be the secret weapon for his tv series, ‘Doggie Howser, MD’. Unfortunately, they decided to can me and hired that chump Kneel Patrick Harris because he could follow commands better than I could.“
“While in Hollywood, I met the love of my life Audrey Hepruff. She was the most beautiful gal I’d ever seen, with a beautiful brown coat of fur and her tail wagging ever so gently in the wind. When I saw her, I knew I needed to marry that bitch. Just as I was about to go up to ask for her number, a mail truck went by. She started chasing after it and was hit by a garbage truck.”
“After seeing this, I knew I had to get away from Hollywood. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92tjbg/talking_dog_for_sale/
%
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ta45/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_is_a_roadie_for_a_band/
%
Thy Lord said unto John; 'Come forth and you shall receive eternal life.'

...Alas John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92t6ri/thy_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you_shall/
%
Found out my sister does amateur porn...

Didn't realize it was her until I was almost about to finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92t2t9/found_out_my_sister_does_amateur_porn/
%
Do dolphins speak Welsh?

Or is it just Wales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92t2as/do_dolphins_speak_welsh/
%
What do you call a dog barking underwater?

A sub-woofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92szdu/what_do_you_call_a_dog_barking_underwater/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road first thing in the morning?

To go to Starbawwwks.
- Partial credit to my 5 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92svdp/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road_first_thing_in/
%
Little Johnny

was at his grandparents for the weekend, as his parents were out of town. On the first day, him and his grandpa go fishing. While fishing grandpa cracks open a beer, and Johnny asks if he can have one. His grandpa replies, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” Of course Johnny’s reply is no, so they go about their day. The next day, they’re sitting on the front porch and grandpa lights a smoke. Johnny asks if he can have one. Grandpa asks the same question, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”. No, Johnny says. So the grandpa refuses. Later that day, Johnny walks outside with a big plate of cookies, and when grandpa asks for a cookie, Johnny asks him, “Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?” “Of course it can!” The grandpa replies. And Johnny says “Well go fuck yourself then grandma made these cookies for me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92std4/little_johnny/
%
A Cartoonist found dead.

The details are sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92spy5/a_cartoonist_found_dead/
%
I feel bad for children of gay parents

They either suffer from twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mother"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92spsl/i_feel_bad_for_children_of_gay_parents/
%
If a Bengal tiger is attacking your mother-in-law and spouse, who will you save?

The Bengal tiger of course!! They're getting extinct in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92socu/if_a_bengal_tiger_is_attacking_your_motherinlaw/
%
An inspector from the DEA stops at a farm and meets with the old farmer.

He says to the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs." The farmer said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there...", and points out the location.
The inspector cuts him off saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me!", reaches into his rear trouser pocket, takes out his badge, and shoves it into the farmer's face.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I want, no questions asked. Have I made myself clear?!"
The old farmer nods politely, apologizes, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old farmer hears loud screams. He looks up, and sees the inspector running for his life, being chased by a large, ferocious-looking bull.
With every step the bull gained ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that it would gore the inspector before he could reach safety.
The old farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence, and shouted at the top of his lungs,"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92smr8/an_inspector_from_the_dea_stops_at_a_farm_and/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

Porcupines tend to keep their pricks on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92skif/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
%
This guy was with a hooker for the first time. .

She took him into her room and asked him what would be his pleasure. Being naive, he asked, "Do you have any suggestions?"
She said, "Would you like French style, Straight, Around the World, or maybe 69?"
He replies, "I'll try one of those 69's."
As they were engaged in a 69, the hooker let out a loud and smelly fart. "Ooohh! Excuse me," she said with a giggle. They proceeded and a few minutes later, she let another stinky, loud fart fly. "Ohhh," she said as she giggled and said, "how do you like it so far?"
He replies, "Well, it feels pretty good, but I'm not sure I can take 67 more. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92si06/this_guy_was_with_a_hooker_for_the_first_time/
%
Robert De Niro has six children,

That’s mucho de niro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92sfs8/robert_de_niro_has_six_children/
%
Why was the fetishist chasing the shoe model?

Because he was hot on her heels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92sf1s/why_was_the_fetishist_chasing_the_shoe_model/
%
What does an angel use to light his cigarette?

A match made in heaven
What kind of cigarettes does he have?
[Holy Smokes](/spoiler)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92sew3/what_does_an_angel_use_to_light_his_cigarette/
%
You're like a little ray of sunshine...

Blinding people and giving them cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92sbc3/youre_like_a_little_ray_of_sunshine/
%
Hey girl, did you fall from heaven?

Because so did Satan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92s7po/hey_girl_did_you_fall_from_heaven/
%
a man walks into a bar

A guy on vacation in Spain walks into a bar and notices a large display on the wall. Hanging down are what look like rows of tennis balls on string. The guy asks the bartender about the display, and the bartender says proudly "The owners of this bar come from a long line of bullfighters. These are trophies from every bullfight in their family. The larger the testicles, the stronger and more aggressive the bull."
The man points to the smallest set on the wall, about the size of a pair of grapes. "What about those?"
"Senor, the bull does not always lose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92s7nu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I named my wife's portable USB drive THAT ASS.

So I could tell her to back THAT ASS up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92s6zh/i_named_my_wifes_portable_usb_drive_that_ass/
%
Ashtrays should be called Asstrays...

because its where you put your butts.
(I have been calling them asstrays all 28 years of my life. I only JUST today realized it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92s3d0/ashtrays_should_be_called_asstrays/
%
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92s30h/how_many_ears_does_captain_kirk_have/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

They don’t change it, they just shoot the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92s12r/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
How do know when your joke is mean?

x̄ = ( Σ xi ) / n

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92rw4f/how_do_know_when_your_joke_is_mean/
%
There guys died at the same time and was waiting to enter heaven

At the pearlly gates, St Peter was there to greet them.
He said, "in order to enter heaven, you have to walk up these 100 steps. On each step you will be told a joke. If you can hold in your laughter until the 100th, you may enter heaven."
So the first guy takes up the challenge, on the 12th step, he started to laugh uncontrollably and fell to hell.
Then the second guy goes, he was even worse. At the 7th step he already cannot hold his laughter and also fell to hell.
Then they both watched the third guy. Surprisingly the third guy steadily climbed as if the jokes meant nothing to him. At the 98th step, he suddenly stopped and burst out laughing. He then too fell to hell.
The previous two were curious so they inquired why the third didn't simply hold in his laughter as the entrance to heaven was so close.
He responded, "I finally got that joke from the second step."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92rqmj/there_guys_died_at_the_same_time_and_was_waiting/
%
I was going to make a Jonestown cult joke...

...but the punchline's too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92rpek/i_was_going_to_make_a_jonestown_cult_joke/
%
All the girls in my town have a fetish for feet.

Any time I go near one, they add a few more to the restraining order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92rp0z/all_the_girls_in_my_town_have_a_fetish_for_feet/
%
When I was 10 years old, my dad sat me down and said "You know sonny when the going gets tough, the tough get going."

And then he left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92rkxk/when_i_was_10_years_old_my_dad_sat_me_down_and/
%
A Man Goes Into Confession For Addiction

A man goes to confession.
Father: “Hello my son, have you come to confess?”
Man: “Yes, Father. I have come to confess that I have an addiction.”
Father: “I see. And to what are you addicted?”
Man: “I’m addicted to Barenaked Ladies.”
Father: “So, this is a sexual addiction, then?”
Man: “No, Father. I cannot stop listening to this band. Their music is incredible. I go to sleep, wake up, go to work... the whole time, I have to be listening to their music, or life seems meaningless and joyless. My wife is threatening to leave me. My boss is threatening to fire me. It’s destroying my life!”
Father: “Hmm, well that’s a new one. Alright, say 3 Hail Mary’s. By the way, my son, you didn’t say how long it has been since your last confession?”
Man: *sigh* “IT’S BEEN...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92rjyx/a_man_goes_into_confession_for_addiction/
%
So my dad told this joke the other day...

Why is it so hard to put out the fires in Athens?
...because it's a Greece fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92rjw6/so_my_dad_told_this_joke_the_other_day/
%
Three vampires walk into a bar

First vampire asks for a Bloody Mary, second asks for a shot of blood, third asks for a cup of hot water. The other vampires give him a confused look. The third vampire says “ I just want some tea” as he pulls out a dirty tampon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92rjih/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I was quite flexible and fast when I was younger. The kids at school used to call me Spider-Man.

Because my uncle was murdered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92rizf/i_was_quite_flexible_and_fast_when_i_was_younger/
%
Who's Irish and sits outside all year round?

Patty O'Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92rhg6/whos_irish_and_sits_outside_all_year_round/
%
Why do a lot of old people move to Florida?

Because they hate liberal snowflakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92rgrw/why_do_a_lot_of_old_people_move_to_florida/
%
I asked my French friend

If she likes to play video games. She replied with “Wii”. *snickers*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92rflu/i_asked_my_french_friend/
%
I don’t know who that Rorschach guy is

But he’s incredibly talented at drawing my mother beating the shit out of me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92rezp/i_dont_know_who_that_rorschach_guy_is/
%
Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who managed to get the most out of their computer.

This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. God said, "cool it. I'm going to set up a test that will run for two hours, after which I will judge who has done the better job."
So they sat at their keyboards and typed away.
They moused away.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent out email.
They sent out email with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy report.
They made cards.
They did every know job.
But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And, of course, the electricity went off.
After a bit the rain stopped and the electricity came back on. Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do?"
He asked Jesus if he had lost his work, too.
Jesus just sat and smiled and calmly turned his computer back on. The screen glowed and when He pushed "print" all His work was there.
"How did He do it?", Satan asked.
God smiled and said, "Jesus Saves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92rbsc/jesus_and_satan_were_having_an_argument_about_who/
%
The stock market is like sex.

You just need to know when to pull out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ratm/the_stock_market_is_like_sex/
%
This Hungarian guy won’t stop asking me for nudes.

What a booty pest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92raj8/this_hungarian_guy_wont_stop_asking_me_for_nudes/
%
why do highlanders wear kilts?

because zippers spook the sheep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92r80b/why_do_highlanders_wear_kilts/
%
Saw a woman with 12 breasts today

Sounds weird, dozen tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92r1mz/saw_a_woman_with_12_breasts_today/
%
I was cooking Chinese food down in Yosemite

... It was a Wok in the park.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92qyjv/i_was_cooking_chinese_food_down_in_yosemite/
%
What do you call a Russian with asthma?

Vlad the inhaler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92qvhl/what_do_you_call_a_russian_with_asthma/
%
Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out...

...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92qpgx/once_at_an_all_boys_summer_camp_i_dreamed_i_ate_a/
%
Hey girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92qoa2/hey_girl_are_you_a_newspaper/
%
My friend told me white rice was better than brown rice...

I stopped talking to him, because I don’t associate with ricists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92qn88/my_friend_told_me_white_rice_was_better_than/
%
My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92qk6v/my_husband_and_i_were_dressed_and_ready_to_go_out/
%
Did I tell you about my doctor. He gave me 6 months to live

I couldn't pay him so he gave me six more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92qk4u/did_i_tell_you_about_my_doctor_he_gave_me_6/
%
What’s a Dalmatian’s favorite lighting fixture?

A spot-light!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92qjd3/whats_a_dalmatians_favorite_lighting_fixture/
%
Five guys walk into a Burger King.

In-n-out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92qirp/five_guys_walk_into_a_burger_king/
%
racist jokes are like kids with cancer

... they never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92qi1x/racist_jokes_are_like_kids_with_cancer/
%
My girlfriend just dumped me because of my superman comic collection.

She said I have too many issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92qhit/my_girlfriend_just_dumped_me_because_of_my/
%
I really miss the marble countertops at my old apartment...

I guess I just took them for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92qgwh/i_really_miss_the_marble_countertops_at_my_old/
%
What is red, and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92qb2x/what_is_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
My girlfriend left me because she thinks I'm too obsessed with Linkin Park.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92q9ek/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_she_thinks_im_too/
%
How does every racist joke start?

*Looks around to make sure no one can overhear*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92q50h/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
%
My wife thinks I’m not sensitive. So I got her some beads of an abacus for her birthday.

Her: What the hell are these?
Me: It’s the little things that count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92q1lo/my_wife_thinks_im_not_sensitive_so_i_got_her_some/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92pzsv/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
A man walks into a bar and faceplants into a stool.

Now he's completely shitfaced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92pw78/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_faceplants_into_a_stool/
%
There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...

His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man’s sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;
What did you choose for the girl?
Denise
Oh man, that’s not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?
Denephew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ptbi/there_was_a_guy_who_was_terrible_at_naming_thing/
%
I drove by the local jailhouse today. The inmates were out in the yard playing football. I slowed down and yelled,

"Pass me the ball, I'm free!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92pswo/i_drove_by_the_local_jailhouse_today_the_inmates/
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Dropping your trousers is a terrible way to begin a job interview.

I learned that many moons ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ppvb/dropping_your_trousers_is_a_terrible_way_to_begin/
%
What did the banjo say to the worried guitar?

Don't fret

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92pp0z/what_did_the_banjo_say_to_the_worried_guitar/
%
Why are there so many female archeologists?

Because women love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92polq/why_are_there_so_many_female_archeologists/
%
An 18 year old asks his 91 year old grandpa to go fishing.

Grandpa: Let's go skydiving instead.
Grandson: Aren't you afraid that something could go wrong and we could die?
Grandpa: As old as I am dying is only my third biggest fear.
Grandson: What's your second?
Grandpa: Not making the most out of the time I have left.
The grandson moved by what his grandpa said bought them skydiving tickets immediately.
Grandson: I bought the tickets grandpa, but if you don't mind me asking what is your biggest fear?
Grandpa: Fucking crocodiles. Why do you think I didn't want to go fishing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92pm0v/an_18_year_old_asks_his_91_year_old_grandpa_to_go/
%
How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?

Ask them to pronounce the word "unionized"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92plhe/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_an/
%
A philosophy professor is examining a student.

However, the student does not know too much and is in danger of failing, so he says to the professor:
"If I ask you a philosophical question and you don't know the answer, will you let me pass?"
The professor agrees, so the student says:
"Describe a situation from your life when there was something moral, but illogical, immoral, but logical and neither moral nor logical."
The professor spends some time thinking, but ultimately lets the student pass.
During his next lecture, he asks students for suggestions what the situation may be. One student stands up and says:
"Professor, I know the exact situation he was talking about.
You're 55 and married to a 23-year-old woman, which is moral, but illogical.
Your wife has a 20-year-old lover, which is immoral, but logical.
You let her lover pass when you should have failed him, and this is neither moral nor logical!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92plcp/a_philosophy_professor_is_examining_a_student/
%
how do frogs kill themselves?

They kermit suicide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92pkv3/how_do_frogs_kill_themselves/
%
So, I have these friends, Richard and Alice...

And as it turns out, Richard is very strongly attracted to Alice. He asks her if the two of them can have sex, offering her $100 and stating that he'll be done by the time she picks it up. She agrees, and gets on the bed as Richard produces his hundred dollars.
"You know you're not actually gonna get that much time, right?" Alice asked him. "I mean, the time it takes to pick up $100 is pretty small."
Richard grinned and held up his hundred dollars in quarters, before dumping them all over the bed.
Alice grinned back, rolled up the sheet, and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92pkt4/so_i_have_these_friends_richard_and_alice/
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A guy I work with was fired for stealing parsley..

They didn't fire him exactly, but they did garnish his wages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92pir8/a_guy_i_work_with_was_fired_for_stealing_parsley/
%
Everyone tells you smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92pf59/everyone_tells_you_smoking_will_kill_you/
%
An elderly couple are driving through Texas

They see flashing red lights and are pulled over by a state trooper. The officer walks up to their vehicle and says, " Y'all know how fast you were going? 85 miles an hour." The wife, who is very deaf, says, "What'd he say???" Her husband replies, "Says we we're speedin' honey!" The officer says, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket sir." Again the wife pipes up loudly, "What's he giving you???" Husband replies "Its a speeding ticket, sugar!!" Officer asks for the husband's drivers license, reads it, and remarks, "Ah, Iowa.. I had the worst piece of ass in my whole life, in Iowa!"  The wife says loudly, "Now, what did he say???" Husband replies "He says he knows ya!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92pc68/an_elderly_couple_are_driving_through_texas/
%
A man comes across a genie who grants him one wish.

The man says, “I would really like a bridge from San Francisco to Hawaii.”
The genie says, “That would be really difficult, with all the construction, engineering, not to mention the money such a bridge would require. I’m sorry, but is there anything simpler you would want?”
The man thinks it over and says, “You know, I’ve never been good at understanding women. I can never understand what my wife is saying. It’s almost like she’s speaking in code. Is it possible that you could make me better at understanding women?”
The genie says, “You want that bridge to be four lanes or six lanes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92pbud/a_man_comes_across_a_genie_who_grants_him_one_wish/
%
What do Wolverine and Caitlyn Jenner have in common?

They're both Ex-Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92p9oo/what_do_wolverine_and_caitlyn_jenner_have_in/
%
I had to report my stolen amazon package

The police are still looking for a prime suspect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92p6sf/i_had_to_report_my_stolen_amazon_package/
%
Why did the conjoined twins travel from America to England?

So the other one could finally drive.
——————-
(Source: heard it in _Man on the Moon_ movie)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92p681/why_did_the_conjoined_twins_travel_from_america/
%
This guy died after drinking a whole bottle of furniture polish,

A sad end but a beautiful finish.
(richard dawson: source)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92p551/this_guy_died_after_drinking_a_whole_bottle_of/
%
Why did the chicken cross the playground (My 10 year old granddaughter told me this joke today)

To get to the other slide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92p2rs/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_playground_my_10/
%
Have you heard of the secret society of math teachers?

It's called The Order of Operations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92p2a3/have_you_heard_of_the_secret_society_of_math/
%
Guy goes in for a checkup...

... Doc says, "Mister, I've got bad news, and I've got worse news. Which do you want first?"
The guys says, "Jeez Doc, I guess give me the worse news first."
Doc says, "You've got AIDS. You're gonna die."
"Oh man that's terrible! What's the bad news?"
Doc replies, "You've got Alzheimer's."
"Hey, you know at least I don't have AIDS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92p0o5/guy_goes_in_for_a_checkup/
%
Hey girl, are you a fire alarm?

Because shut the fuck up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92p06c/hey_girl_are_you_a_fire_alarm/
%
What car has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.
^^^^^sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92oyva/what_car_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
What do you call a bunch of hotties walking down the street?

March of Dimes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92oy7x/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_hotties_walking_down/
%
Did you hear the one about the omnipresent nymphomaniac?

He's fucking EVERYWHERE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ouq2/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_omnipresent/
%
I like thinking about how to solve mysteries while I'm sitting on the toilet

I'm de-deucing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ouaf/i_like_thinking_about_how_to_solve_mysteries/
%
My horse's name is Mayo

Mayo neighs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92or0s/my_horses_name_is_mayo/
%
A couple just finished watching "who wants to be a millionaire?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "do you want to have sex?"
"No", she answered.
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes!"
So the man replied, "then I'd like to phone a friend"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92onf3/a_couple_just_finished_watching_who_wants_to_be_a/
%
A man falls ill and misses days of work

As his paycheck is short he is unable to stop at the cantina and drink with his friends, upset he kicks an OLD tequila bottle releasing a decrepit looking jin.
"I am the tequila genie," says the jin "As you have released me I owe you, but as you can see I have lost much power and can only offer one wish, anything you desire is yours"
"Fuck you" says the man "If you're a genie I piss tequila" continuing home in a sullen mood he hands his wife his pay and goes to the restroom.
"Margarita!" the man yells to his wife "Margarita, come quick and bring two glasses"
"Why do you need glasses in the bath" she replies entering the restroom.
"Check this out" the man fills a glass with urine and takes it as a shot. Filled with disgust his wife starts to leave but he stops her and explains "It is the finest tequila I have ever had, try a glass" he fills another with amber fluid "trust me"
The next friday we find our friend exuberant as he leaves work, looking forward to seeing his wife (with whom he has spent the greatest week drinking as much as they like with zero hangover or loss of virility) and flush with cash (that he no longer needs to spend on drinks) hurrying home.
"Margarita" he calls "bring one glass"
"Only one?" she sadly remarks "Don't I get to drink tonight?"
"Yes, but tonight, You drink from the bottle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ogrz/a_man_falls_ill_and_misses_days_of_work/
%
What do you call the sweat between two breasts?

Mountain Dew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92oeyp/what_do_you_call_the_sweat_between_two_breasts/
%
Why are gay men so fashionable?

They spend their entire childhood in the closet.
I am OP, put this in /r/darkjokes and they said it might be better suited here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92oebr/why_are_gay_men_so_fashionable/
%
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo

So I put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92oboc/my_wife_told_me_i_had_to_stop_acting_like_a/
%
A dad buffalo is sending his son to college

Son buffalo: see ya dad!
Dad buffalo: Bison!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92oblv/a_dad_buffalo_is_sending_his_son_to_college/
%
Penises are an important part of human culture and anatomy and must be honoured

I suggest we erect a statue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92oao7/penises_are_an_important_part_of_human_culture/
%
A mathematician and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.

The were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, "this is pointless" and stormed out. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out, "Dont you see you'll never actually reach her?" to which the engineer replied, "so what? pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"
[Stolen]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92oa1t/a_mathematician_and_an_engineer_agree_to_take/
%
What do cows call a slaughterhouse?

Cowshwitz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92o8nr/what_do_cows_call_a_slaughterhouse/
%
A weasel walks into a bar...

The bartender looks up and says "wow! in all my years of tending bar, I've never had a weasel stop by, what can I get you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92o4bt/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Woman joke

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92o2f9/woman_joke/
%
I was eating at a restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, ''Does anyone know CPR?''

I shouted, ''hell, I know the whole alphabet.''
Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92o2af/i_was_eating_at_a_restaurant_last_night_when_a/
%
We threw our friend Jessica a surprise bukkake party....

Should have see the look on her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92nyjw/we_threw_our_friend_jessica_a_surprise_bukkake/
%
First day on the job as a drugdealer

*giggles*
"We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?
*gets stabbed*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92nxqp/first_day_on_the_job_as_a_drugdealer/
%
Went to the library to get a book co-written by Pavlov and Schroedinger.

Librarian said "it rings a bell but I'm not sure if we have it in or not"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92nwe1/went_to_the_library_to_get_a_book_cowritten_by/
%
Ordered a Sherlock Holmes game online...

Received a podiatric prosthesis instead...
Must unravel this strange mystery.
The game is afoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ntrt/ordered_a_sherlock_holmes_game_online/
%
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ns2t/my_neighbor_came_at_me_really_aggressively_asking/
%
I've been trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but it's not easy.

Good players are hard to find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92nrvv/ive_been_trying_to_organize_a_hide_and_seek/
%
How many police offers does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None. He fell...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92nnlk/how_many_police_offers_does_it_take_to_push_a/
%
A median and a mode walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’m glad you dumped your buddy. He’s mean.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ng5e/a_median_and_a_mode_walk_into_a_bar/
%
An American man was on business in Europe...

When he gets a call from his wifes lawyer saying she has found another man and wants a divorce.  Upset, the man gets the earliest flight home which unfortunately crashes on a deserted island.  While on the island the man sees a bottle sticking out of the sand.  He picks it up, wipes it off and of course a genie comes out.  The genie promises to grant three wishes on one condition, whatever the man wishes for, his wife and new partner will get double.  After a moment the man wishes for three sports cars, each faster and more exotic than the last.  The genie reminds the man of the condition but the man is sure of himself.  With a snap of the genie's fingers, it's done.  For the second wish, the man wishes for 3 mansions placed in the most beautiful locations with the most sought after climates.  The genie looks at the man, about to warn him but the man confidently cuts him short.  For the third wish the man says with a smile, 'Genie, see that stick over there?  Pick it up and use it to beat me half to death'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92nf9v/an_american_man_was_on_business_in_europe/
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A walk on the beach

On my first (and so far only) visit to Hawaii, I was staying at a beautiful little cottage outside Hilo. There's a neat little place called Uncle's Awa Club, where they hold a farmer's market, live music, food of all kinds... Right in the lava zone, very remote.
I'd read about one of the booths there, apparently they serve this really delicious boozy drink made with a whole mishmash of local fruits. Very popular; people go to the Awa Club just to get this drink. And also enjoy the live music of course.
We were leaving Hawaii the next day, and I still hadn't gone, and wanted to go that evening, but I was there with my family, and my wife had the car. The Awa Club was about 15 miles away (24 km).
So I decided to walk. It was a sunny afternoon, pleasant weather, so a walk on the beach seemed reasonable. But after a few kilometres, the warm sun felt blisteringly hot. So I continued my walk through the water.
The cool water was a great relief, and I proceeded happily toward my goal, waves lapping my legs. I was making good time and distance, until I stepped on something sharp... Right through my sandal.
It hurt like hell! I lifted my foot, and there was a sea urchin stuck to the bottom. I hopped around, looking for a stick to knock it off with.
The beach was a desert around here, though; just black sand and lava rock, a few tufts of grass. But I did notice a piece of driftwood about 200m away.
I hobbled over on my heel, avoiding the water for fear of more urchins, and used the driftwood to lever the spiny creature off of my foot. Then I had to contend with the bleeding.
I probably should have turned back, but at this point I was committed. Looking forward to relieving my pain with some music, some food, and the famous cocktail I'd heard about.
So with the sun starting to sink in the sky I hobbled onward with still a few miles to go, trudging through sand and hot sun. I finally arrived at the Awa Club, parched and limping, aching for a drink.
When I got there the bouncer saw I was a mess, but he took pity on me and let me in. I soon spotted the beverage booth, but it was as popular as advertised: the queue was enormous. I dejectedly joined it.
In line in front of me was a friendly local. She noticed how rough I was looking and asked if I was ok. I told her the whole story. She was shocked. "You came all this way just for a drink?"
I nodded. "Wow," she said. "That was a long walk to the punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92netv/a_walk_on_the_beach/
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How many stockbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to sell it before it crashes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ne54/how_many_stockbrokers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?

You slow down a little bit. Jeez...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92nduu/what_do_you_do_when_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
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This one’s a classic from my dad: Did you know beer makes you smarter?

It made Budweiser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92nc8h/this_ones_a_classic_from_my_dad_did_you_know_beer/
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Donald Trump's advisers worry he could lose support from his base, so they suggested he change his hairstyle to better connect with white, rural voters...

...he's going to mullet over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92n9g2/donald_trumps_advisers_worry_he_could_lose/
%
HIV is roman numerals for high five

Pass it on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92n5so/hiv_is_roman_numerals_for_high_five/
%
What do you call a Star Wars themed all you can eat restaurant?

Bo-buffet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92n5o5/what_do_you_call_a_star_wars_themed_all_you_can/
%
Why should you take regular showers?

Because you might get so oily, America invades you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92n1zc/why_should_you_take_regular_showers/
%
Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were arrested.

They were taken in for assault and battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mzuv/sodium_chloride_and_sulphuric_acid_were_arrested/
%
I love puppies...

But I could never eat a whole one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mztd/i_love_puppies/
%
A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.

‘I’m sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today’.
‘Oh my god!’ replied Mary, ‘What happened?!’
‘He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout’ said the worker, sadly.
‘That’s terrible! Was it a quick death at least?’ asked Mary.
‘I’m afraid not,’ the worker replied, ‘He got out twice to pee’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mz8z/a_guinness_brewery_worker_travels_to_the_home_of/
%
A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"
"Yes" the little girl replies
"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5
The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse
"He sure did" replied the cop, laughing
"Well tell him next time the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top of it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mz0c/a_cop_on_a_horse_is_talking_to_a_little_girl_on_a/
%
My friends say I’m blind

But I don’t see what they mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92my7b/my_friends_say_im_blind/
%
What do you call the moisture between two hillbillies having sex?

Relative humidity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mwas/what_do_you_call_the_moisture_between_two/
%
Did you hear that Paul Walker plays a lot of Xbox?

But he mostly spends all his time on dashboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mu6x/did_you_hear_that_paul_walker_plays_a_lot_of_xbox/
%
A single injury is a tragedy....

...a million injuries is just a sadistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mu1g/a_single_injury_is_a_tragedy/
%
I was on a porn website. An ad popped up, saying, 'I'm a hot, sexy girl that lives in your area and I want a thick, hard penis...'

I thought, 'You should probably see a surgeon about that.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mrj3/i_was_on_a_porn_website_an_ad_popped_up_saying_im/
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I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mqnq/i_accidentally_typed_my_symptoms_into_imdb/
%
How do you offend an African-American and Chinese person?

Make a joke about brack people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mp93/how_do_you_offend_an_africanamerican_and_chinese/
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I pick my women like I pick my watermelon.

A little rough with a discolored bottom and heavier than the appear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92moz5/i_pick_my_women_like_i_pick_my_watermelon/
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v

EDIT*: Looks like my CTRL key is broken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92molk/v/
%
A famous casting director dies and ascends to heaven.

He comes to Saint Peter before the pearly gates, and Peter asks him, “Why should I allow you into heaven?”
The casting director smiles and says, “Because I’m without sin.”
Peter raises an eyebrow, and asks, “Are you?”
“Yes, I am. You see, just before I died, I worked on a movie where the protagonist has a bunch of talking pet rocks that help him on his quest.”
Peter laughs, and asks, “And what does that have to do with anything?”
“Well, you see, I cast the first stone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mo02/a_famous_casting_director_dies_and_ascends_to/
%
There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.  By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.  The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window.  The driver is a squirrel.  The squirrel says to the man says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mkl8/theres_a_man_trying_to_cross_the_street_as_he/
%
An Aussie was visiting the US

When asked by an American what he thought about American beer, he responded "It is like making passionate love in a canoe on a beautiful river."
Dazzled by this response the American asked:
-"How so?"
+"It's fucking close to water!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mkex/an_aussie_was_visiting_the_us/
%
I wasn't sure how I felt about having a beard

But now that I think about it, it has really grown on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mjsi/i_wasnt_sure_how_i_felt_about_having_a_beard/
%
A farmer is selling produce when a woman walks up to him and asks for some onions.

"Sorry, but we don't have onions here. How about some broccoli or peas?" he suggests.
The woman thinks about it for a moment, then says, "nah, do you have some onions instead?"
The farmer, slightly pissed off, says,"I already told you. We don't carry onions. What about some eggplants or mushrooms?"
Again, she thinks for a moment, then says: "nah, I'd just like some onions."
The farmer is now very angry. "Let's play a game," he says. "How do you spell 'carrot' without 'c'?"
The woman says, "Arrot."
"Good, and how do you spell 'lettuce' without 'l'?"
"Ettuce."
"Now how do you spell 'onions' without 'fuck'?"
The woman is confused. "But there is no 'fuck' in onions?"
"EXACTLY! THERE ARE NO FUCKING ONIONS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mj5j/a_farmer_is_selling_produce_when_a_woman_walks_up/
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What does Titanic disaster and your moms dietary plan have in common?

Lots of drowned seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92meas/what_does_titanic_disaster_and_your_moms_dietary/
%
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,

and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92me66/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_day_teach/
%
Little Bobby goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been reposting to /r/jokes."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Bobby?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And what joke was it that you reposted?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to spoil the joke for you."
"Well, Bobby, I'm sure to read it sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it 'deaf wife' or maybe one of the milder, such as 'monk doors', 'Sam, the singing monk' or 'the infinite mathematicians'?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it 'man helped girl in alley', 'flipped golf cart', 'golf genie', 'lawyer present' or 'squeezed balls'?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it 'parrot on a ship', 'parrot in freezer' or perhaps even 'parrot from brothel'?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot."
"Was it perhaps a pun? Like 'square root of -100', 'monocles in a bar', 'hungry whales' or 'pulling my leg'?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it 'lion and dog', then? Or did you repost 'epileptic bath', 'Sahara lumberjack'? Don't tell me you reposted 'Dave'!"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
"If it was one of the dirtier jokes, like 'thumb condom', 'upvote anal', 'old timer outside sex', or 'diagnostic computer', you should tell me now."
"Father, I will not give you more than this."
The priest sighs in frustration. "If it's not any of them, it's still new to me. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Bobby walks back to his pew, and his friend Johnny slides over and whispers, "Well what'd you get?"
Bobby says "Four months vacation and a lot of material."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mdpk/little_bobby_goes_to_confession/
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One sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome

On one sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome, there was a beautiful young nun walking back home after the service in the church. The priest who was driving back home in his wagon spots the poor nun walking home in the sweltering heat. Being the gentleman that he was and a servant of the Lord, he stops by the nun and offers to drop her home in his wagon. The nun coyly refuses the first time to not bother the priest too much. However, on further insistence she obliges and hops on.
The heat was quite unbearable. The nun slightly unbuttons her habit slightly exposing her well-endowed busom to cool off a bit. Naturally, this activity caught the priest's attention too and he was shuffling nervously in his driver's seat. He overcomes his inner inhibitions and places his hand on the knee of the young nun. The nun looks at the priest reassuringly and says 'Father, remember Luke 14:10'. The priest, embarrassed by this, gets back to his driving. Few minutes later, the nun is wiping the sweat off her temple and once again the attention of the priest is titillated. This time he slides his hand slight upwards on the nun's thigh. And true to word, the coy nun reminds the priest again of the Biblical verse. 'Father, remember Luke 14:10'. 'The flesh is weak, dear', sighs the priest apologetically. He recalls his duty as an agent of the Lord and pulls away once and for all. He drives on and with chivalry drops the nun at her doorstep.
Back at his home, he struggles to remember the words of the verse referred to by the young nun. So, he heads to his study and looks in his Bible - "But when you are invited, go and sit in the lowest place, so that when your host comes he may say to you, 'Friend, move up higher'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92mdiu/one_sultry_sunday_afternoon_in_rome/
%
Alcohol doesn't make you FAT ... it makes you LEAN ...

... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92md79/alcohol_doesnt_make_you_fat_it_makes_you_lean/
%
A man gets a phone call from his wife's doctor

Doctor: sir, we've narrowed your wife's illness down to two things. She either has Alzheimer's or AIDS.
Man: Well how are we supposed to know which?
Doctor: Take her for a drive, drop her off 30 minutes from your house and if she comes home don't fuck her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92m7w6/a_man_gets_a_phone_call_from_his_wifes_doctor/
%
How did the tree feel when its leaves grew back?

Re-leaved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92m18x/how_did_the_tree_feel_when_its_leaves_grew_back/
%
Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?

"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"
"No- wait, Dracula?"
"Yes!"
"You're vampires?"
"Yes. We have pamphlets."
"Vampires have missionaries?"
"Where else would new vampires come from?"
"I assumed you bit people."
"There are many hurtful stereotypes. May we come in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92lzi4/hello_do_you_have_a_minute_to_talk_about_dracula/
%
A Spanish magician was showing a trick..

"For my next trick, I'll disappear into thin air. Uno, dos."
And he vanished without a tres!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ltkb/a_spanish_magician_was_showing_a_trick/
%
What do Tesla cars smell of?

Elon's Musk! (thanks 7 year old son!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92lt9d/what_do_tesla_cars_smell_of/
%
Hey Cutie, you remind me of my little toe you know that?

Why? Because Im cute?
No Because When Im drunk later on tonight, Im gonna bang you on the coffee table. ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92lrx1/hey_cutie_you_remind_me_of_my_little_toe_you_know/
%
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92lqwf/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
Don't get much use out of my broom...

It's just there gathering dust....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92lpvq/dont_get_much_use_out_of_my_broom/
%
"Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"

"No..."
"Hey, everybody! I found the guy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92lpnw/do_you_know_the_difference_between_toilet_paper/
%
What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,
We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:
Illegal Downloading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92lp3o/what_is_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
I crashed my bike the other day and got two punctures. I don't think I can ride my bike again.

I'll have to retire it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92lmon/i_crashed_my_bike_the_other_day_and_got_two/
%
My first time buying condoms at the age of 16

I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."
She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.
I still looked confused.
She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.
"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.
She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.
"You like these?"
I could only nod my head.
She said to put the condom on.
As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down.
"Come on." she said. "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her.
It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes!
She looked at me concerned and asked, "Did you put the condom on?"
I said, "I sure did!"
...and held up my thumb to show her.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92llli/my_first_time_buying_condoms_at_the_age_of_16/
%
2 strangers are sitting on a train.

As they pass a cow field. One man says to the other, "What a nice field, man having 143 cows must be a lot of work"
The other man, astonished, replies "Wow, I happen to own that field and how did you know there were exactly 143 cows?"
The man replied "Easy, I counted the legs and divided by 4!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92lljg/2_strangers_are_sitting_on_a_train/
%
Why did the Zombie miss her wedding?

Cold feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ljkj/why_did_the_zombie_miss_her_wedding/
%
I don't understand why everyone keeps calling me a narcissist

They're probably just jealous because I'm better than them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92lh61/i_dont_understand_why_everyone_keeps_calling_me_a/
%
What is the most sensitive part of your body while masturbating?

Your ears, listening for footsteps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92lemf/what_is_the_most_sensitive_part_of_your_body/
%
I went to see a concert performance by the Royal Bermuda Philharmonic orchestra...

Half way through the first symphony, the triangle player vanished...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92lakj/i_went_to_see_a_concert_performance_by_the_royal/
%
A man wants his house painted white while he's on vacation.

Looking through the newspaper he sees an ad for the Wong Brothers Painting Company.
He hires the Wong Brothers to paint his house white as he's preparing to leave for the week.
When his vacation is over he comes home and his house is *pink*.
Angry, he goes to the Wong Brothers and begs the question "*Why is my house pink?! I strictly asked for you to paint it white!*"
The Wong Brothers reply "Sorry, two Wongs don't make it white".
Credit to my father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92kxnn/a_man_wants_his_house_painted_white_while_hes_on/
%
And how old are you?

-Well, let‘s say, I‘m closer to my thirty than to my twenty.
-Oh ok. 27?28?
-No, 45.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92kw9g/and_how_old_are_you/
%
How do you kill an entire circus at once?

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92kw5o/how_do_you_kill_an_entire_circus_at_once/
%
How do you know your roommate is gay?

His dick taste like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ki43/how_do_you_know_your_roommate_is_gay/
%
Earlier the Rich had cars and the poor had horses. Now the Poor have cars and the Rich breed horses

Oh how the stables have turned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92kghs/earlier_the_rich_had_cars_and_the_poor_had_horses/
%
Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92kfkb/putin_wanted_to_either_get_a_new_pet_or_learn_to/
%
I just can't catch a break! No matter what job I get, I always end up dealing with stiffs!

First as a Porn Star, then as a Waiter, then finally in a Morgue. I just can't win!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92kcyz/i_just_cant_catch_a_break_no_matter_what_job_i/
%
A man dies and arrives at the gates of heaven.

St Peter welcomes him with "this is the gate to eternal happiness, to enter you must tell me a selfless action you did in your life on earth."
The man thinks for a while and replies "Well there was this one time... this kid knocked over some motor cycles and a group of angry drunken bikers came out threatening to kill him. Naturally I felt bad for the kid so I stepped in to stop them. I asked for the leader of the group and told him we were gonna settle it like men."
St Peter was impressed "Wow! When did this happen?"
Looking at his watch the man responds "about 35 seconds ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92kbf4/a_man_dies_and_arrives_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92k1s9/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

1 U.S. Liter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92jvhg/what_is_the_fluid_capacity_of_monica_lewinskys/
%
Doctor: I'm so sorry for your loss..

Me: w-what are you saying?
Doctor: ..of hearing.
Me: what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92jpex/doctor_im_so_sorry_for_your_loss/
%
How does a Lich keep his phylactery safe?

He *encrypts* it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92jnuu/how_does_a_lich_keep_his_phylactery_safe/
%
Two synonymous sentences could have absolutely different meanings.

1. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
2.Sorry daddy, I've been naughty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92jkbz/two_synonymous_sentences_could_have_absolutely/
%
When was the longest day in the Bible?

The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92j0ws/when_was_the_longest_day_in_the_bible/
%
URGENT: Do not open any emails from Hormel Foods

It might be SPAM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92izxx/urgent_do_not_open_any_emails_from_hormel_foods/
%
What do you call an onion that’s got rhythm, rhyme, and a Soundcloud account?

A rapscallion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92izef/what_do_you_call_an_onion_thats_got_rhythm_rhyme/
%
[NSFW] What does pussy at a nursing home taste like?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ite0/nsfw_what_does_pussy_at_a_nursing_home_taste_like/
%
My high school English teacher was so mean!

She would walk around the classroom and stop to ask students random grammar questions. I remember this one time she was walking by my desk and she stopped, pointed at me and said "Quick, name 2 pronouns!"
Startled, I looked at her and replied "who, me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92it6a/my_high_school_english_teacher_was_so_mean/
%
Honey, I'm pregnant!

Hi pregnant, I'm dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92irb0/honey_im_pregnant/
%
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together

. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92iqc1/one_day_an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman/
%
What has four legs and flies?

A dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92iouw/what_has_four_legs_and_flies/
%
I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court

Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92iopt/i_got_a_speeding_ticket_last_month_and_took_it_to/
%
I did really well on my Roman history test.

I got a C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92io8m/i_did_really_well_on_my_roman_history_test/
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My friends keep insisting I’m too frugal.

I’m not buying it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92iin1/my_friends_keep_insisting_im_too_frugal/
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I saw some cows having a weed smoking competition the other day.

It was very high steaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ii78/i_saw_some_cows_having_a_weed_smoking_competition/
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I was hiking once with my girlfriend

. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ihs3/i_was_hiking_once_with_my_girlfriend/
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump with Steve Jobs

That'll be like comparing apples and oranges

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ih55/why_cant_you_compare_donald_trump_with_steve_jobs/
%
How does the Alchemist turn on his girlfriend?

Elixir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92iaen/how_does_the_alchemist_turn_on_his_girlfriend/
%
Someone once told me to “Go big or go home”

I’m homeless so I don’t have a choice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92i1rc/someone_once_told_me_to_go_big_or_go_home/
%
An E, F Sharp, G, A, B, C, D, and another E walk into a bar.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “sorry, we don’t serve minors here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92i0ol/an_e_f_sharp_g_a_b_c_d_and_another_e_walk_into_a/
%
Why was Jesus such a hit with the ladies?

He was well hung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92i0bo/why_was_jesus_such_a_hit_with_the_ladies/
%
Why can't Bach buy a piano

Because he is Baroque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92hmqp/why_cant_bach_buy_a_piano/
%
When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92hm15/when_i_make_you_breakfast_in_bed_fresh_eggs/
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A Gestapo walks into a bar

I‘m kidding, he bashed the door in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92hlpt/a_gestapo_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.”

So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92hlez/i_gave_my_father_100_and_said_buy_yourself/
%
Jokes about menstral cycles are not funny

Period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92hkws/jokes_about_menstral_cycles_are_not_funny/
%
Hey girl, are you a broken compass?

Because I’m not really sure where I’m going with this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92hkik/hey_girl_are_you_a_broken_compass/
%
Why are fish poorly educated?

All the schools are below C level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92hcim/why_are_fish_poorly_educated/
%
An old Italian man goes to the doctor...

And he says: Doctor, I want you to take a look at my penis.
The doctor says: Sure, Pasquale. Go into the other room & remove your pants & I'll be there in a few minutes to check you out.
So Pasquale goes to the other room, takes off his pants & the doctor comes in, gets down on one knee & inspects Pasquale's package & says: Pasquale, there's nothing wrong with your penis, your penis is fine.
And Pasquale says: I know. It's nice, eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92hb5w/an_old_italian_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Why did Demi Lovato hold Wonder Woman captive?

Because she was a heroine addict

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92hb50/why_did_demi_lovato_hold_wonder_woman_captive/
%
My girlfriend hates it when I tap the brakes to make the car bounce when I listen to hiphop.

But when I think about it, she never did like brakedancing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92h4du/my_girlfriend_hates_it_when_i_tap_the_brakes_to/
%
I said to my son, "You will be forced into an arranged marriage."

He said no. I replied with, "It is Bill Gates' daughter." He said yes.
I called up Bill Gates and said, "Your daughter will marry my son." He said no. I replied with "I am the CEO of the World Bank." He said yes.
I called up the world bank and said, "Make me CEO." They said no. I replied with, "Bill Gates is my brother-in-law." They said yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92h49i/i_said_to_my_son_you_will_be_forced_into_an/
%
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

"Joe, you know that's not going to help you," she said
"Oh it helps a lot," he replies. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92gzd4/a_woman_caught_her_husband_on_the_weight_scale/
%
I went to the doctor's with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92gygv/i_went_to_the_doctors_with_hearing_problems/
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little Johnny goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I  admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar  boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "Well what'd you get?"
Johnny says "Four months vacation and five good leads..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92gvya/little_johnny_goes_to_confession/
%
What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?

A croaking device.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92gq5r/what_does_a_romulan_frog_use_for_camouflage/
%
What kind of car does the president of the palindrome society own?

A Toyota

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92gpvw/what_kind_of_car_does_the_president_of_the/
%
What do you call Spider-Man when he’s horny?

Peter Parker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92gkiu/what_do_you_call_spiderman_when_hes_horny/
%
I remember my grandfather’s last words, right before he kicked the bucket

“Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92gkfu/i_remember_my_grandfathers_last_words_right/
%
A Moth goes into a podiatrist’s office,

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says,
“‘Cause the light was on.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ggnp/a_moth_goes_into_a_podiatrists_office/
%
I’m not the smartest student ever so I tried something a little risky to get a better grade...

I got a D- on my recent English test and my dad wasn’t very happy with my mark. I asked my teacher if I could do a sexual favour for her to get a B+. She got very offended. My classmates didn’t think that was okay either, and they stopped talking to me for a few weeks.
If you guys want, I can tell more stories about my homeschooling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ggdq/im_not_the_smartest_student_ever_so_i_tried/
%
What did the cannibal chief say about eating one of his villagers?

Nothing, it was a very tender subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92geb7/what_did_the_cannibal_chief_say_about_eating_one/
%
What's the difference between me and a calendar?

A calendar has dates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92gdpy/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_calendar/
%
A man came up to me at work and asked if I had heard of the Actress that was killed..

I said “Who?”
“Reese!”
“Witherspoon?”
“Actually, with her knife”
Day = Made

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92gche/a_man_came_up_to_me_at_work_and_asked_if_i_had/
%
What do you call a Jewish barista?

Hebrew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92g5um/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_barista/
%
If Trump played an RPG, what would his main weapon be?

Fire staff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92g4st/if_trump_played_an_rpg_what_would_his_main_weapon/
%
During gym, I wondered why the dodgeball grew bigger and bigger.

And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92g3st/during_gym_i_wondered_why_the_dodgeball_grew/
%
What is a lemmings favorite granola bar?

A clif bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92g1dg/what_is_a_lemmings_favorite_granola_bar/
%
Never date a left-handed woman. You know what they say...

Righty-tighty,  lefty-loosey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92g1ct/never_date_a_lefthanded_woman_you_know_what_they/
%
If I had a nickel for every time a homeless person asked me for change...

I would still say no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92fwc3/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_a_homeless/
%
How does a solar system throw a party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ft2l/how_does_a_solar_system_throw_a_party/
%
What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92fp0s/whats_the_hardest_part_about_eating_a_vegetable/
%
A guy walks into a whore house

and is taken to a room where his escort is waiting for him.
The guy asks “How much?”
She replies “well it’s $5 to do it on the floor, $10 to do it on the couch, and $20 to do it on the bed.”
The man hands her a $20 bill.
The woman says “Bed! Good choice”
The man replies “no no sweetheart I want 4 on the floor!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92fjam/a_guy_walks_into_a_whore_house/
%
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes “whack, damn” and a bad skydiver goes “damn, whack”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92fi81/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
%
An elderly lady was at Tiffany's looking for a bracelet.

She bent down to get a good view and out came a fart. She hoped no one had heard, but she looked and there was a well dressed salesman standing behind her. Hoping he did not notice, she asked him how much the bracelet cost. He said, "lady, if just looking at it made you fart, you are going to shit when you hear the cost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92fdgb/an_elderly_lady_was_at_tiffanys_looking_for_a/
%
How many schizophrenics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Who said that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92fcvv/how_many_schizophrenics_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
So, I bought my sister a fridge for her birthday.

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92f6ne/so_i_bought_my_sister_a_fridge_for_her_birthday/
%
Theory vs. Reality

A boy is watching TV with his father when someone on the show mentions "theory and reality".
The boy asks his father,  "Dad what's the difference between theory and reality?"
The father thinks to himself for a moment and says, "Thats a great question son! The best way I could explain it to you is like this... go ask your sister if she would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars"
The boy, while confused,  goes and asks his sister.
When he returns he says, "She said she would definitely sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars.   "
The Dad then says, "Ok, now go ask your mother if she'd sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars"
When the boy returns,  he says "Dad! Mom said she'd sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars too! But I still dont understand the difference between theory and reality?"
The Dad chuckles to himself and says, "Son, the best way to explain it, is like this; in theory we would be millionaires, but in reality we're living with a bunch of whores"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92f3e9/theory_vs_reality/
%
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92exs6/whats_the_difference_between_a_camera_and_a_sock/
%
This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week...

Worst running gag ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92eqv8/this_morning_i_choked_on_water_while_jogging_for/
%
This one is number 78.

A man walks into a pub, sits at the bar and orders a drink. Over in the corner he notices a group of friends drinking and laughing.
He see one of the friends shout “13!” and then the rest of the group bursts out laughing. A bit later another in the group stifles laughter as he calls out “37!” and the crowd roars in laughter. One friend shoots back his liquor and says “62...” and again the group erupts in laughter.
The new comer to the pub can’t contain his curiosity any longer and strolls over to the group. “What is with all the numbers and laughter?” he asks.
“We’ve all been friends for years, and over the years, much like anyone visiting r/jokes, we kept hearing the same jokes over and over. So someone came up with the idea of numbering all of our regular jokes to save time.”
“Ahhh, I get it! ...do you think I could give it a try?” the man asks. And after getting nods of approval, he takes a chug of his beer, looks around the group and calls out “42!”
The only response was dead silence and awkward stares.
Not to be deterred, he tries again, “18!”
Now the group is going back to drinking...
“What’s going on? Did I do something wrong?” he inquires.
“I guess you just don’t know how to tell a joke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92eqsg/this_one_is_number_78/
%
Joe goes to buy a new suit after surgery

This joke belongs to Buddy Hackett  (August 31, 1924 – June 30, 2003)
I never saw a version here that correctly attributed this to him.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As  he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36'.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The  salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92epx0/joe_goes_to_buy_a_new_suit_after_surgery/
%
They have found water on the mars...

Is Nestle already planning its own space program?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92eous/they_have_found_water_on_the_mars/
%
A man was fired for grabbing the butt of his co-worker

But its okay since harassment a lot to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92en2x/a_man_was_fired_for_grabbing_the_butt_of_his/
%
I would tell you a chemistry joke...

...But all the good ones argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ef75/i_would_tell_you_a_chemistry_joke/
%
Hey baby, are you a school?

Cause I wanna shoot some kids inside you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92eem0/hey_baby_are_you_a_school/
%
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a whale walk into a bar,

The Irishman says, "give me an Irish whiskey." The bartender gives him one and he sits down to drink it.
The Mexican says, "I'll have tequila." The bartender gives him a tequila and he sits down to drink it.
Then the whale says, "WAAOLOOAO" because whales don't talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ed99/an_irishman_a_mexican_and_a_whale_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why do they call Helium, Curium and Barium the three medical elements?

Because if you can't Helium or Curium you Barium! \^\^

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92e8ec/why_do_they_call_helium_curium_and_barium_the/
%
I don’t smoke afghani weed,

Because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92e5pr/i_dont_smoke_afghani_weed/
%
A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands...

So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92e58e/a_vegan_told_me_i_shouldnt_eat_animals_because_i/
%
A horse walks into a bar

The bartender says "why the long face?"
Unable to speak, the horse shits on the floor and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92e4nt/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Makes you think

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92e4jd/makes_you_think/
%
A penis can be 11inches max because -

more than that and then it’ll be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92e394/a_penis_can_be_11inches_max_because/
%
I've heard all the environmental activists' arguments for banning plastic products...

and they're really just grasping at straws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92dzkk/ive_heard_all_the_environmental_activists/
%
A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.

I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92dxma/a_woman_once_claimed_she_could_hit_me_from_across/
%
What do my trampoline and my girlfriend have in common?

I don’t have a trampoline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92dxd8/what_do_my_trampoline_and_my_girlfriend_have_in/
%
An old sailor

One day a hunter came upon an old sailors cabin in the woods. The old sailor was loaning his hunting dog "Chief" out.   The hunter asked "how much for Chief?" The old sailor replied,  "$100 a day." That year the hunter got his limit in 2 days.  The following hunting season, the hunter came back and asked the hunter, " how much for Chief?". The old sailor replied, "He's gotten better, $150 a day.". The hunter agreed and within 1 day he had his limit.  The following year the hunter went back to the old sailor and said " I don't care how he much he costs this year, I'll pay whatever you want for Chief". The old sailor replied, "mmmmm....$10 a day. " The hunter was confused and asked the old sailor why the price went down on Chief. "Well, I loaned Chief out to a couple buddies of mine not long ago and they called him Captain...now he just sits on his ass and barks all day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92dtqr/an_old_sailor/
%
Why did barty crouch jr stop drinking?

It was making him moody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92dqzl/why_did_barty_crouch_jr_stop_drinking/
%
How does a squid couple take the next step in their relationship?

They get calimarried

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92dlbe/how_does_a_squid_couple_take_the_next_step_in/
%
Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92dh3g/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92d9ss/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
What do you call a big shark with a huge dick?

Megalodong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92d85d/what_do_you_call_a_big_shark_with_a_huge_dick/
%
Why were the dark ages so dark?

Because they had so many knights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92d5f4/why_were_the_dark_ages_so_dark/
%
101 lemmings walk into a bar

Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
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Ouch.
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Ouch.
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Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
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Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
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Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92d54s/101_lemmings_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I slept like a baby

I woke up every 10 minutes screaming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92d51d/i_slept_like_a_baby/
%
A homeless man came up to me and asked me for change

..so I told him "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92d4pq/a_homeless_man_came_up_to_me_and_asked_me_for/
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Are you with me just for sex?

Well, I didn't buy my house JUST for the bathroom, but I'd be pissed if someone ripped out my toilet and only let me use it once a month...."
Courtesy of comedian Tommy Johnagin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92d4e3/are_you_with_me_just_for_sex/
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A woman gets cheated on by her husband...

Distraught, she decides to visit a wise old monk who lives alone up in the mountains.
After a few days of travelling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him and to take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I am so lost and I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?"
"Yes"- she answers.
"Do you want another one?"
"Sure, please".
The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and slowly comes to a realization. "It is in human nature to be greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. Nothing will be good enough, and nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not be disappointed by our very nature".
The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat and you should eat less."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92d46i/a_woman_gets_cheated_on_by_her_husband/
%
I stopped by my childhood home and asked the owners politely whether I can have a look around. They immediately said no and slammed the door on my face.

My parents can be so rude sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92d3lb/i_stopped_by_my_childhood_home_and_asked_the/
%
There’s a college guy that decides to take a vacation in France.

The guy arrives checks into his hotel and goes to grab a bite to eat. He sees a French guy with all these beautiful women all over him and thinks it’s odd because the guy isn’t very attractive. He just shrugs it off and finishes his meal.
Later that day he heads to the beach and sees the same guy with a different group of amazingly beautiful women. So he walks up to the Frenchman and says,
“Man I just have to ask what’s your secret? How do you get all these beautiful women?”
The Frenchman leans in and whispers, “Go over there and put a potato in your pants.”
So the guy goes and gets a potato at the market and promptly sticks it in his bathing suit.
Now filled with confidence he strolls down the beach smiling at all the pretty girls, but looking around they all just seem disgusted.
The Frenchman runs over yelling, “NO NO YOU IDIOT! THE POTATO GOES IN THE FRONT!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92d20u/theres_a_college_guy_that_decides_to_take_a/
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Teacher: Kids, what do you get from the chicken?

Kids: Eggs!
Teacher: Very good! Now what do you get from the fat pig?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what do you get from the fat cow?
Little Johnny: Homework!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92d1yo/teacher_kids_what_do_you_get_from_the_chicken/
%
The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.
I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.
Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,
there is a stairway to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92d06w/the_other_day_i_decided_to_buy_a_ouija_board_so_i/
%
what does a selfish cow say?

meeeeeeeeee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92cyo9/what_does_a_selfish_cow_say/
%
The General's Butler

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his butler.
“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it, you’ll catch on again fast.”
Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ctpj/the_generals_butler/
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A recent study concluded that oreos are as addictive as cocaine.

In a more recent study, I found out that cocaine doesn't actually taste better dipped in milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ct6w/a_recent_study_concluded_that_oreos_are_as/
%
Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer?

She cant seem to kick anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92csxv/why_wont_demi_lovato_play_soccer/
%
My wedding was really emotional for me...

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92cqob/my_wedding_was_really_emotional_for_me/
%
A group of computer scientists walk into a restaurant

They ask for a table for 4
The waitress replies 'but sir, there's 5 of you'
The computer scientist says 'no, look there's 4 of us, see! 0...1...2..3..4..'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92cohj/a_group_of_computer_scientists_walk_into_a/
%
What do you call a communist sniper

A marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92cjmo/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
Once upon a time there were three kingdoms.

They all bordered a large lake, which created trade and travel for all three kingdoms. Eventually, the ruler of the first kingdom decided that it wanted to control the whole lake. With his superior navy, he took control. In the generations to follow, his kingdom prospered. The second kingdom tried its best to help the first kingdom. It may not be in charge, but its people lived happy. The third kingdom rebelled, and after many long fights, it exhausted all its resources. The third kingdom finally surrendered, and for centuries it was lost in poverty.
Many generations later, the second kingdom decides it wants more. A formal declaration is sent to the first kingdom, in which the second kingdom claims the lake as its own. The third kingdom gets news of this, and it sends a letter to both of the other kingdoms. The third kingdom would take the lake, and as a result it would finally prosper. With this, all three kingdoms went to war.
To preserve the land in each kingdom, battle was to be done in an unsettled, neighboring land.  The first kingdom sends its 1,000 knights to the site of the battle. The second kingdom sends all its force, 100 knights in total, to the battle. The third kingdom sends its only knight, an old and weary man, to the battle. They all arrive in the evening, and agree to start the battle in the morning.
That evening, the knights from the first and second kingdoms drink and party, each knight boasting that he will be the one to slay the most adversaries in the battle to come. They laugh and make merry, while their squires clean their armor and prepare for the next day.
The elderly knight from the third kingdom is much too old to party, so he asks his young squire to make some dinner. The squire decides to make a stew, so he creates a fire to get it started. He then uses a noose to hang a pot high in the nearest tree, and gets to work cooking. The stew is served, and the elderly knight goes to sleep.
Come morning time, the knights that partied dealt with hangovers while they groggily tried to put on their armor. After some time, it was decided that none of the knights could fight that day. The elderly knight was already weary from his travel, and his fear of the upcoming battle caused a heart attacking during his sleep. Of the 1,101 knights that came to the battle, none could actually fight.
The three kings would not let the battle be delayed, so the squires were to fight in the place of the knights. Preparations were made, and the battle started when the sun was at its highest.
The battle was long, bloody, and brutal. Most of the squires were poorly trained, and few could fit into the armor they were given. The only squire with sufficient  training and a real set of armor was from the third kingdom. That one squire stood proud among a crowd of scared boys. Filled with fear, the squires from the first and second kingdoms agreed to work together to kill the third kingdom’s squire. It was one squire versus more than a thousand, and the fight was fair. After 12 hours of combat, the final squire laid down in the blood stained grass and succumbed to his wounds. No squire remained, and the battle was done. With their military forces incapacitated, diplomats were able to make plans and form a treaty between the three kingdoms. Thankful for the alliance during the battle, the first and second kingdoms agreed to merge, becoming one larger kingdom. Stories of the lone squire made the third kingdom a popular tourist and trade destination, and the kingdom grew to be quite rich. The two kingdoms took equal shares of the lake, and life was good for years to come.
This all goes to show that the sum of the squires of the first and second sides is equal to the squire of the high pot and noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92cfrv/once_upon_a_time_there_were_three_kingdoms/
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants
(I'll show myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92cb2y/what_do_clouds_wear_under_their_shorts/
%
Hear about the mushroom who had to make a tough choice?

It was a big morrel dilemma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92caxk/hear_about_the_mushroom_who_had_to_make_a_tough/
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Pavlov is having a drink at a bar...

The phone rings, and he thinks to himself, “Oh shit! I forgot to feed the dogs!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92c9na/pavlov_is_having_a_drink_at_a_bar/
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A magician was working on a cruise ship

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92c9eo/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship/
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My grandfather died because his medical report said that he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92c960/my_grandfather_died_because_his_medical_report/
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What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

HAAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEE...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92c8yd/what_is_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
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I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far.

One time I was sitting there eating chicken and they bulldozed 40% of the cafe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92c8gi/i_think_the_rainforest_cafe_takes_the_whole/
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So there’s two Mathematicians and two Physicists getting a train to a Congress.

Before they buy tickets. While the Physicists got two tickets, the mathematicians only get one.
As soon as they see the conductor they both get into the same toilet. So when he knocks on the door they only push one ticket underneath the door.
On the way back, the Physicists buy one ticket only while the Mathematicians don’t buy any.
Again the Physicists are confused. As soon as they see the conductor they leave for the toilet. One of the Mathematicians follows them knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92c7ea/so_theres_two_mathematicians_and_two_physicists/
%
I hate the misuse of Latin phrases...

...and vice versa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92c548/i_hate_the_misuse_of_latin_phrases/
%
A boy walks into an ice cream shop and asks the attendant

"Do you have pea ice cream?"
"No" he replies.
After a week the same kid goes back to the ice cream shop and asks: "Do you have pea ice cream?"
"No" he replies. "That's ridiculous."
After a few days, the same boy walks into the shop and asks the same question, getting the same answer.
"I'll fulfill this boy's wish" the attendant says after the he leaves "I'll make a pea ice cream"
A week later the same boy returns to the ice cream shop and asks: "Do you have pea ice cream?"
"Yes" the attendant replies
"Wow" says the kid "That's nasty"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92c1sg/a_boy_walks_into_an_ice_cream_shop_and_asks_the/
%
Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on the moon?

Because if he chose SpaceY, it would land on a 14 year old boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92c0u4/why_did_elon_musk_choose_spacex_to_land_on_the/
%
My friend told me he can think of over 300 Spanish names...

but I can only think of Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92byf0/my_friend_told_me_he_can_think_of_over_300/
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Little girl logic

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92bwsk/little_girl_logic/
%
[NSFW] A blind girl gave a handjob last night and said I had the biggest dick she ever put her hands on.

I said nah, your just pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92buv2/nsfw_a_blind_girl_gave_a_handjob_last_night_and/
%
At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said,

“I need a favor. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in the synagogue for an hour after services for me?”
Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After services, he struck up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions – just to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise Rabbi beame suspicious and asked, “Irving what are you really up to?”
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confessed to the Rabbi, “I’m sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”
The Rabbi smiled, put a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and said, “You’d better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92boz7/at_friday_night_services_morris_went_to_his/
%
“When one door closes, another one opens!” he said...

“That’s all well and good...” I said. “But until you fix it, I’m not buying the car.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92bok3/when_one_door_closes_another_one_opens_he_said/
%
I love going outdoors...

It's so much safer than going outwindows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92bmyt/i_love_going_outdoors/
%
I asked 100 women what their favourite brand of shampoo was...

The top reply was: How the fuck did you get in here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92blnc/i_asked_100_women_what_their_favourite_brand_of/
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A curious lad goes up to his dad after school and asks him “Dad? What’s a cunt?”

His dad scolded him for using such foul language but appreciated the intrigue and curiosity of the kid.
“I’ll show you what it is if you promise to never say that word again”.
The child agreed and the Dad led him by the hand into the room where his mother was asleep. He carefully pulled back the covers as to not wake her up, then lifted her nightie.
He whispered to his son “Now, do you see that? The hairy thing between mummies legs?”
The child nodded.
“Well, that’s a VAGINA”
The child was puzzled. “Oh ok... but Dad, what’s a ‘cunt’?”
His dad replied.
“The rest of it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92bkmt/a_curious_lad_goes_up_to_his_dad_after_school_and/
%
Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92bk0g/since_vampires_are_supposedly_hurt_by_holy_water/
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Two chemists walk into a bar..

"I'll have H2O," one says.
"I'll have H20, too," says the other.
Neither die, because the bartender understands the context.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92bhah/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A man walks into a bar.

Ouch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92bfp5/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

They lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92bbql/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
You're not the Trump's Hall of fame star but...

If I could, I would smash you
Have a nice day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92bb8i/youre_not_the_trumps_hall_of_fame_star_but/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92b96z/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket, and thinks...

"Some arsehole's got my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92b02m/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_front/
%
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ayg7/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
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Today I watched a video called 10 best wheelchairs in the world.

Below the video it said comments are disabled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92atiw/today_i_watched_a_video_called_10_best/
%
A man comes to a carpet store and says:

“I need a rug.”
“Why so gloomy, pal? Are you going to wrap a body in it, eh?”
“I need two rugs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92aiuy/a_man_comes_to_a_carpet_store_and_says/
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Little Joey Confesses

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
Press Enter twice for a line break.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92ahwc/little_joey_confesses/
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I hide all my weed in a dip in the road...

I call it my pothole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92a900/i_hide_all_my_weed_in_a_dip_in_the_road/
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My ex wife still misses me

but her aim is getting better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92a8zd/my_ex_wife_still_misses_me/
%
How does a feminist laugh?

"shesheshe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92a7rk/how_does_a_feminist_laugh/
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How do you keep millions of idiots in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92a4j4/how_do_you_keep_millions_of_idiots_in_suspense/
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One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, "Grandad, what's a cunt?"

The grandad looks at him for a while then goes and gets one of his old porno
mags. He flips it open, pages through and leaves it open on a picture of a
naked woman posing.
"You see those two stars up there on top and that little black bar down below
Johnny?"
"Yes."
"Well the person who put them there is a cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92a42y/one_day_little_johnny_goes_up_to_his_grandad_and/
%
I decided not to vaccinate my daughter...

I let the nurse do it instead; she's much more adept with a syringe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/929yip/i_decided_not_to_vaccinate_my_daughter/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/929r9g/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused....

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also! What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. I am a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/929p25/a_man_while_playing_on_the_front_nine_of_a/
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To all those considering doing the "Kiki Challenge" please remember...

You should never Drake and drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/929hav/to_all_those_considering_doing_the_kiki_challenge/
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How can you see a joke?

by looking in the mirror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/929dfk/how_can_you_see_a_joke/
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Motorcyclist crashes into manure truck

Inside sources say he was “Shit out of luck”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/929c27/motorcyclist_crashes_into_manure_truck/
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How are vaginas like the mafia?

One slip of the tongue and you’re in the shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/929akx/how_are_vaginas_like_the_mafia/
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A wealthy art collector got a call from his lawyer...

Lawyer: I have good news and bad news.
Art Collector: I've had a bad day, so lets start with the good news.
Lawyer: Well, your wife has invested a couple hundred dollars in a a few pictures that she expects to get a couple million for.
Art Collector: That's great! What's the bad news?
Lawyer: Well, the pictures are of you and your secretary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9298ad/a_wealthy_art_collector_got_a_call_from_his_lawyer/
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Therapist ask what my greatest fear is

therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9296gk/therapist_ask_what_my_greatest_fear_is/
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A woman is driving behind a dildo truck with her 4-year old daughter when one flies off and hits the windshield....

“Mommy! What was that?” The little girl cries out.
The mother takes a deep breath and states, “Oh don’t worry honey, it was just a bug.”
“Oh okay mommy......but boy that bug had big fucking dick didn’t it!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/928ygl/a_woman_is_driving_behind_a_dildo_truck_with_her/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten. One to screw it in and nine to form a support group for Survivors of Darkness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/928y0w/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!
President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Donald said, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"  "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is
myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Donald paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army
waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Trump, the war is still on!
We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines,
a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."
President Trump sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a
half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. "President Trump, the
war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified
Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the  Legion have joined us as well!"
Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke,  I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!" said Archie,  l'll have at call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Trump! I am
sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Donald. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
“Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long
chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed
two million prisoners."
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/928xh4/war_canada_vs_usa/
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What kind of computer says “hello” when you turn it on?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/928wok/what_kind_of_computer_says_hello_when_you_turn_it/
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She's single... lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window! I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!

I opened the door, she looked at me and said: “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?"   I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!" - "Great!" She said.   “Can you look after my dog ?"
Being a senior citizen, really sucks!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/928vl7/shes_single_lives_right_across_the_street_and_i/
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A guy went to the doctors and asks the doctor to diagnose his problem. The doctor said you have to quit masturbating...why asks the man

So I can tell you whats wrong with you, says the doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/928q2x/a_guy_went_to_the_doctors_and_asks_the_doctor_to/
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Yesterday, I ate a clock.

It was very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/928pxf/yesterday_i_ate_a_clock/
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My grandad always used to say: "you need to be upfront with everybody"

Great bloke, shit goalkeeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/928ivj/my_grandad_always_used_to_say_you_need_to_be/
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A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/928h2f/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did Papa John sue Papa John's?

He kneaded the dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/928g6v/why_did_papa_john_sue_papa_johns/
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Superman

Reminds me of joke where Superman is flying over a town and spots Wonder Woman laying out nude on the roof of a high rise.
Superman thinks to himself, "I should fly down knock off a quick piece faster than she can know what happened."
Whosh,  zap,  a bit of the old in out and off he flies with a big smile.
Wonder Woman raises her head and says,  "What was that?"
The Invisible Man looks up,  "Fuck if I know but it hurt like hell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/928e91/superman/
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I figured out what Victoria’s Secret is!!!!!

..... it’s foam :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9289iy/i_figured_out_what_victorias_secret_is/
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A scientist goes into a kindergarten classroom...

A scientist goes into a kindergarten classroom to conduct an experiment. The experiment involves the kids eating gummy bears and judging by the color and taste, the kids will shout out the flavor.
The scientist gives them a red gummy bear and the kids can instantly tell that it’s strawberry.
They are then given a yellow one and they all shout out lemon.
This goes on for a while until they receive this tannish-brown gummy bear. The kids can’t tell what the flavor is. It has a sweet nectar taste to it.
The scientist asks the kids if they’d like a hint, which they obviously agree to.
The scientist says “It’s something that your mommy might call your daddy”
Then one of the kindergarteners screams “EVERYONE SPIT IT OUT, IT’S ASSHOLE”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9287ig/a_scientist_goes_into_a_kindergarten_classroom/
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A boy says to his father, "Dad, I hear there are parts of the world where a man doesn't even know his wife until he marries her."

The father replies, "That's true everywhere, son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9283ui/a_boy_says_to_his_father_dad_i_hear_there_are/
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A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger.

The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?
The man says yes! My first blowjob!
The bartender says congrats! Why 10?
The man says if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9280n0/a_man_goes_to_a_bar_and_orders_10_shots_of_jaeger/
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I like stealing industrial size kitchen equipment.

I'm a big whisk-taker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92806y/i_like_stealing_industrial_size_kitchen_equipment/
%
I found my dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead and I panicked

I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it  a bath, blow dried its fur and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house hoping they would think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear that Fluffy died?"
I said, "Um... no... what happened?"
The neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/927zz3/i_found_my_dog_with_the_neighbors_pet_rabbit_in/
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Daughter Accidentally Finds Her Mother Having An Affair. Then Her Father Calls.

"Hello?", "HI honey. This is Daddy. is Mommy
near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says. "But honey,
you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do. and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I
want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom
door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car
just pulled into the driveway.”
"Okay Daddy. just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back
to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?” he asked.
Well, Mommy got all scared. jumped out of
bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming. Then she tripped over the rug. hit
her head on the dresser and now she isn't
moving at all!”
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on,
too. He was all scared and he jumped out of
the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn’t know that you took out
the water last week to clean it. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/927w7a/daughter_accidentally_finds_her_mother_having_an/
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A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody

The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should  receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/927qy0/a_man_and_his_exwife_are_negotiating_child_custody/
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Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/927ocp/amazons_facial_recognition_matched_28_members_of/
%
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a whale walk into a bar,

The Irishman says, "give me an Irish whiskey." The bartender gives him one and he sits down to drink it.
The Mexican says, "I'll have tequila." The bartender gives him a tequila and  he sits down to drink it.
Then the whale says, "WAAOOAOOOO" because whales don't talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/927kem/an_irishman_a_mexican_and_a_whale_walk_into_a_bar/
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When I was young, I always felt like a man trapped in a woman's body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/927ddt/when_i_was_young_i_always_felt_like_a_man_trapped/
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Post Malone might be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/927c7j/post_malone_might_be_a_popular_rapper_but_have/
%
So this penguin’s car breaks down...

...and he goes to the mechanic, and the mechanic says, “Give me an hour, I’ll figure out what the problem is.”
And it’s sunny and beautiful out, so the penguin has a little day for himself. He goes for a stroll, skips rocks by the lake, buys himself an ice cream.
He returns to the mechanic after an hour and the mechanic tells him, “Good news! We figured out what’s wrong with your car. It looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin looks up at him and says, “Oh this? No it’s just ice cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/927aao/so_this_penguins_car_breaks_down/
%
An old man walks into a coffee shop

He approaches the counter and notices a young teen playing on his phone. Without looking, the teen says:
"How can I help you?"
Old man: "I'll take a small coffee please"
Teen without looking:
"That'll be $0.75 cents please.
The old man annoyed at the teen digs into his pocket and retrieves 3 quarters to which he flicks all three at the teen which obviously gets his attention.
The teen now has to pick up the quarters which are scattered as the old man leaves with his coffee.
The next day, the teen notices the man and decides to ignore him again just to realize that the old man isn't having and throws 3 more quarters at the teen. This continues for a few days until...
The old man returns for his regular cup of coffee.
Teen (paying full attention) replies:
$0.75 cents please.
The old man digs into his pocket only to find that he has just 2 quarters.
The old man pulls his wallet out and hands the teen a dollar. The teen smelling the sweet smell of opportunity decides it's payback.
The teen brings out 5 nickels out of the registers and proceeds to throw the nickels all over the stores as he counts.
"5"
"10"
"15"
"20"
"25"
"Is your change sir... have a good day"
The old man then digs into his pocket, finds the 2 quarters and as he throws them behind the counters says...
"50, 75..... another small coffee please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9278qj/an_old_man_walks_into_a_coffee_shop/
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I went to China

It was excellent. I left a review on their flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92788p/i_went_to_china/
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An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9275eb/an_elderly_couple_were_at_home_watching_tv_phil/
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Whats the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know
And I don't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9274v6/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9273wa/when_i_die_i_want_to_die_like_my_grandmother_who/
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One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here" says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves".
Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No" Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long".
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks, all he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day, commented The Donald.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said "Yeah man, I can handle this".
The devil smiled and said... "OK, Monica, you're free to go".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/927301/one_day_in_the_future_donald_trump_has_a/
%
One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing,"You bitch, your cunt is too hairy!

Well your dick is to small bastard!"The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of the situation, "You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname we gave our coats." The boyshrugged his shoulders and went off to play. Later that day the boy was watching his dad shave. Suddenly his dad blurted out, "Shit" when he cuthimself. The boy asked, "dad what does that mean?" and his dad cleverly replied, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using." So the boy wandered into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that evening. As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and blurted out "Fuck". Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated mother snapped at him, "It's french for cooking now go answer the door! The company is already here!" So the boy went, oopened the door, and put his new vocabulary to use, "Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your cunts and dicks in the closet. My dad is still in the bathroom putting shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/927098/one_day_a_little_boy_over_heard_his_parents_in/
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What are Mario & Luigi's overalls made of?

denim denim denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/926zrr/what_are_mario_luigis_overalls_made_of/
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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/926wp3/my_wife_accused_me_of_hating_her_family_and/
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A jewish girl gave me her number today

I told her: we use names here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/926sqd/a_jewish_girl_gave_me_her_number_today/
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My daughter's teacher just called me to say she was late today and missed first period.

I thought, "what a shitty way to congratulate me on becoming a grandparent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/926mb1/my_daughters_teacher_just_called_me_to_say_she/
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A joke about a bear I heard once.

Once upon a time a man had a dream. He was walking around the desert with his friend Bear, and when he looked up into the sky, he would see moments of his life flash by him, and when he looked on the ground, there would be two sets of footprints, one belonging to him, and the other belonging to Bear. During the saddest moments, however, he'd realise there would only be one set of footprints, that being his own.
When he woke up, he went to Bear and asked him "I had a dream where I witnessed moments of my life with you besides me, but during the sad moments you weren't there. Why would you leave me in the moments where I needed you the most?", with which Bear responded; "RRRARRWWHHHGWWR."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/926lcb/a_joke_about_a_bear_i_heard_once/
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I don't like elevators, I take steps to avoid them

I don't trust stairs either, they are always up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/926j5y/i_dont_like_elevators_i_take_steps_to_avoid_them/
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If you cut yourself on a cheese grater

It probably is for the grater good...
scrap that joke, it's too cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/926igx/if_you_cut_yourself_on_a_cheese_grater/
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Can you jump 6 times your own body height? Cats can

Can you take an x-ray of the inside of your own body? Catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/926fzn/can_you_jump_6_times_your_own_body_height_cats_can/
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The bread I made came out the oven shaped like a voluptuous womans butt!

I tried not to let it turn me on, but dat ass dough!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/926ew6/the_bread_i_made_came_out_the_oven_shaped_like_a/
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the funniest joke in the world

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/926buy/the_funniest_joke_in_the_world/
%
What is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s religion?

I-SLAM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9268f9/what_is_kareem_abduljabbars_religion/
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Anti gay protestor: “sodomy makes Jesus cry”

Counter protesters: “sounds like Jesus isn’t using enough lube...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9266ky/anti_gay_protestor_sodomy_makes_jesus_cry/
%
A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”
“My god – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9262yr/a_guy_goes_into_a_lawyers_office_and_asks_the/
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Went to a fancy dress party as a fridge.

People laughed but at least I looked fresh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/925yds/went_to_a_fancy_dress_party_as_a_fridge/
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What did the umpire say to the bald man?

"You're outta hair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/925xhu/what_did_the_umpire_say_to_the_bald_man/
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So there’s this guy at a party...

So there’s this guy at a party and he wants to get a drink. So he goes over to where the tea is and there’s a huge line. He then goes over to the water and again there’s a huge line. He then goes over to the punch and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/925w1o/so_theres_this_guy_at_a_party/
%
How does Mary Poppins cure smelly feet?

Step in thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/925tep/how_does_mary_poppins_cure_smelly_feet/
%
After Captain America died, The Incredible Hulk inherited the mantle.

He renamed himself 'The Star-Spangled Banner'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/925si6/after_captain_america_died_the_incredible_hulk/
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A son goes up to his dad one morning

He says”I’m starting a search service!” His dad, impressed, goes “That’s a great idea! Just look how well companies like Google and Bing are doing!” The son replies “Oh no dad, not that type of search engine. I’ll find things around the house for you. For example, five dollars, I’ll find your reading glasses. For ten, I’ll find your car keys and for twenty I’ll find the Tv remote.” The dad exclaims “At those prices I might as well find them myself!” The son smiles and asks “Are you sure? I hid them pretty well.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/925sc4/a_son_goes_up_to_his_dad_one_morning/
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Why did the cannibal go to Copenhagen?

He wanted to eat some Danish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/925pye/why_did_the_cannibal_go_to_copenhagen/
%
3 blondes in a car

3 blondes are in a car driving down a country road when they come across a field of tall grass and out in the grass is another blonde in a row boat trying to row. The driver seeing this exclaims: "damn it it's blondes like that who give us all a bad name."
The girl next to her says "yeah that idiot makes us all look stupid"
And the blonde in the backseat replies : "yeah if I knew how to swim I would jump out and kick her ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/925mp2/3_blondes_in_a_car/
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Why are there so many typos in Trumps tweets?

Because he’s Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/925kxn/why_are_there_so_many_typos_in_trumps_tweets/
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On the first day

, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/925be2/on_the_first_day/
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A person sees an old man crying on a park bench...

Their heart breaks for the man and they walk up so see if he's ok.
"What's matter?"
"I have a beautiful wife," says the man.
"Um, ah ok, but"
"She's young and beautiful" the man repeats and continues sobbing.
"Ok, ok but why are you crying?"
"She cleans the house, cooks delicious dinners, we even had sex ever other day"
"I'm sorry, I really don't understand why would these things make you cry.  Your wife sounds amazing"
"I can't remember where I live..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/925b5d/a_person_sees_an_old_man_crying_on_a_park_bench/
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Father confessions!

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father- he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/925az2/father_confessions/
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Why is “dark” spelt with a “k” instead of a “c”?

Because you can’t c in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9258g2/why_is_dark_spelt_with_a_k_instead_of_a_c/
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Why can't statues move?

Because they're too stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9258em/why_cant_statues_move/
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At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9257y8/at_breakfast_a_man_asked_his_wife_what_would_you/
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The CIA is interviewing three potential agents

-- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer.
"Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
"You can't be serious," the man says. "I could never shoot my wife."
"Then you're not the right man for the job," says the interviewer.
The second man is given the same instructions. Five minutes later, he emerges with tears in his eyes and says, "I can't do it."
Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. Shots are heard, then screaming, crashing, and banging. After a few minutes, she comes out and wipes the sweat from her brow.
"You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks," she says. "I had to beat him to death with the chair leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/92502e/the_cia_is_interviewing_three_potential_agents/
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Penguin

A penguin is driving his car into town when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it.
"I'll be across the street at the drug store." he tells him. He goes to the drugstore and orders a dish of vanilla ice cream which he has to eat with his beak because of his short arms.
He finishes up and goes back to the garage. The mechanic comes out and says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says  "That's just a little ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/924wry/penguin/
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How can you tell when you play RPGs way too much?

When your girlfriend’s/wife’s pants become a rare drop!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/924slc/how_can_you_tell_when_you_play_rpgs_way_too_much/
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3 old women were walking in the park...

When a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first woman had a stroke,
the second women had a stroke,
but the third woman's arm was too short to reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/924e1d/3_old_women_were_walking_in_the_park/
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Alas Fluffy, we knew him well.

I found my German Shepherd with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asked me, " Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
I said, "Um... no... what happened?"
The neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage.
There are some real sick people out there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/924cp9/alas_fluffy_we_knew_him_well/
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If Apple made a drug enforcement agency...

...it would be a good iDEA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/924bnr/if_apple_made_a_drug_enforcement_agency/
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The racist pilot.

"I'm afraid we  overcalculated our plane's carry weight and at this rate we'll be diving into the sea" says the pilot, over the intercom. "As a courtesy to others, and so that some may be seen as heroes, we ask you jump off the plane when your ethnicity is called. We will open the cargo bay to allow your descent"
Murmuring and gasps occur as the announcement fills the air.
"To ensure total fairness we will call the categories out in alphabetical order," says the pilot. "First we have African American people."
People look back and forth, as no one volunteers to jump.
"Alright next we have Black people."
Again, nobody comes forth.
"Colored people, please step forward."
"Dark people"
"Ebony people"
While he reads the list, heads spin back and forth looking for their heroes, but nobody comes forth.
Hiding in the back rows of the plane a boy says to his mother "what's with this guy? he's just keeps calling out the same people!"
"Shush," she says "today we are niggers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9246mm/the_racist_pilot/
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A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight.

He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.
The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to see the show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.
The second man to show up says, "Hello, I'm Eddy. I'm looking for Betty. We're gonna go eat some spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go.
The third man rings the doorbell says, "Hey, my name's Chuck."
And the farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9246gi/a_farmer_is_concerned_that_all_3_of_his_daughters/
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St Peter looks up as a man approaches the gates of Heaven.

‘Do you seek to enter Heaven, my child?’ St Peter asks.
‘Sure am!’ says the man.
‘What good deeds did you accomplish in life?’ St Peter queries.
‘The best deed I ever did was when I saw this poor young lady being picked on by a biker gang.’ The man explains. ‘A bunch of massive guys on Harleys. They kept bothering her, pulling at her clothes, trying to carry her off. I watched them do this and finally I said enough is enough! I marched over to their leader, the biggest guy of all, dragged him off his motorcycle, punched him in the face, kicked him right in the dick, then showed him to the others. “Look here” I told them, “I’m gonna do this to each and every one of you if you don’t leave that poor woman alone!”’
‘My word, that is a brave and noble deed, my child,” St Peter said, as he began to leaf through the book before him. ‘Hmmm…’ he muttered. ‘Well I’m not finding it in your records, how long ago did all this happen?’
The man shrugged ‘About five minutes ago.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9241mb/st_peter_looks_up_as_a_man_approaches_the_gates/
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What do you call it when the rim of a volcano gets all dirty and smelly?

Smagma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/924176/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_rim_of_a_volcano/
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Why are hillbilly men not circumcised?

Because they need somewhere to carry their chew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/923zt1/why_are_hillbilly_men_not_circumcised/
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A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It’s the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/923yw5/a_man_recently_lost_28_pounds_just_eating_chicken/
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Give a man a fire, and you'll keep him warm for a night...

Set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/923w2j/give_a_man_a_fire_and_youll_keep_him_warm_for_a/
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A woman goes to the gynecologist

She puts her feet into the stirrups and the doctor begins his exam.
After a moment, he says, "You have an unusually deep vagina."
The woman replies, "You don't have to say it twice."
The doctor says, "I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/923ou1/a_woman_goes_to_the_gynecologist/
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I caught my wife using Tinder last night.

Needless to say, I swiped left on that cheating bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/923ojl/i_caught_my_wife_using_tinder_last_night/
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A guy walks into a bar carrying a guitar case....

He makes his way up to the front of the bar, sits his guitar case down, and stands on top of a bar stool.
After getting everyone's attention, he states, "I am the absolute toughest man in this bar, and I will bet $2,000 to any man that proves me wrong."
Several people walk up to him and gladly say they will take that bet.
With a smile, the man sheds his clothes.  Standing there on the bar stool completely naked, he opens the guitar case to expose an alligator.  He takes the alligator out, opens it's mouth, places his penis inside the alligator's mouth, and let's the alligator's jaws slam shut on his penis.  He then proceeds to twirl the alligator around with his penis.
After several minutes of this, he takes a beer bottle and breaks it over the alligator's head.  The alligator's jaws open releasing his penis, and he puts the alligator back in the case.
Still standing on the bar stool, he says, "Now...Any man in here that will do that, can gladly come up here and take all of this money."
The crowd takes a step back away from the man.  There is a small fragile man in the back of the bar with his arm raised.  The crowd parts to expose the man.  He walks slowly forward and says, "I'll do it!  As long as you promise not to hit me in the head with the bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/923j43/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_carrying_a_guitar_case/
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Jesus gave 2 thousand people bread.

Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/923bl3/jesus_gave_2_thousand_people_bread/
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A joke my grandfather told me

As you may know, many small churches in England have bell towers. Well, the bellringer for one such church, upon reaching retirement age, quit his position, leaving a job opening. Unfortunately, the demand for such a job was low and the bellringer position remained empty for several weeks. Eventually, a man walked into the priest’s office and told him that he wanted to apply for the job.  “But,” said the priest, “you don’t have any arms!”
“That’s alright,” replied the man, “I can use my forehead - I was a bellringer for many years before I moved to this parish.”
Desperate for the position to be filled, the priest accepted the man’s application.  The man was indeed a fine bellringer and the jolly tones of the great bell rang every Sunday without fail.  Tragically, one morning, the bellringer slipped and fell down the tower, plummeting to his death below. The police were called in, and they asked the priest if he and the bellringer were close.  The priest replied: “Not particularly, but his face sure rings a bell.”
In a fortunate twist, the dead man’s identical twin brother also had experience ringing church bells, so the priest hired him to fill the void.  However, he was was tolling the bell one morning when the tower was struck by lightning, fatally electrocuting him. Again, the police questioned the priest as to whether he and the dead man had been friends.
“No,” the priest said, “but he was a dead ringer for his brother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9236fq/a_joke_my_grandfather_told_me/
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Two medieval stringed instrumentals meet each other for the first time.

One asks the other, “what type of instrument are you? I’ve never seen one like you before?” The other replies “I’m a lute, lots of strings, fat and folded at the end that’s me. What about yourself, I haven’t seen an instrument like you before either?” The one replies “Oh, I’m a harp.” The other instrument is skeptical “I don’t think you have enough strings to be a harp, and you are too symmetrical.”
“Are you calling me a lyre?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9232ah/two_medieval_stringed_instrumentals_meet_each/
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I really liked this cashier chick..

But I couldn't teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9230s7/i_really_liked_this_cashier_chick/
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A poor man goes to a rich person’s house and says that he will do anything for $100

The man tells him: “If you repaint my porch, I will give you $100”
3 hours later, the poor man says that he is finished.
Seeing no paint on his porch, the rich man says: “ I’m not paying you, you didn’t do anything”
The poor man replied: “ Yeah I did, but it’s not a Porsche, it’s a Mercedes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922zv9/a_poor_man_goes_to_a_rich_persons_house_and_says/
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A man goes into reddit offices...

As he stood in front of the secretary, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “what are those clocks?”
She answered, “Those are RePost-Clocks, every section has one. Every time someone reposts the hands on its clock will move.”
“Oh.” said the man, “Whose clock is that?”
“/r/monkslookingatbeer/. The hands have never moved, indicating that all the posts are OC.”
“Incredible!” said the man.
“And what about /r/jokes/?” He asks
“/r/jokes/ clock is in Principal’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922zm3/a_man_goes_into_reddit_offices/
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Two Deer Walk Out of a Gay Bar

One says to the other “I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922u0a/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.
“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”
“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.
He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches.
“See, British soldiers are the bravest.”
“That’s nothing” said the Russian General
“Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.”
“Da, Comrade General!”
The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl.
“Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.”
The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.”
He calls one of his men over.
“Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!”
Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says
“Go fuck yourself, General.”
“See! Now that takes some real balls!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922tsn/during_world_war_2_three_generals_were_arguing/
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Don't disturb someone who's sleeping

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
"Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!"
The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922sfn/dont_disturb_someone_whos_sleeping/
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There’s only one 5-letter word stopping me from being smarter.

Stupidity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922q4v/theres_only_one_5letter_word_stopping_me_from/
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A gentleman walks into a very busy Italian Restaurant

The host explains that they are very busy and he will have no choice of seating. The gentleman agrees and is seated at the only remaining table. He views the menu and orders a plate of the city's best spaghetti. The waiter comes to the table and sets the meal before him.
The gentleman puts the first bite of perfectly seasoned sauce and masterfully cooked noodles in his mouth. He savors the taste, but as he looks up he sees a man across the way who has leprosy.
He immediately gags and throws up some of his lunch onto his plate.
The man with leprosy looks across at him and they make eye contact.
The waiter comes to the table and asks the gentleman if he can replace his meal.
"Please," he replies.
The waiter returns to his table with a plate of the city's best spaghetti. He smells the garlic, basil, tomatoes, and olive oil and then digs in. He's a few bites in when his eyes wander to the other patrons, and again he sees the man with leprosy.
He wretches and hurls onto his plate.
The man with leprosy is now looking across the room at him with anger in his eyes.
The waiter comes back to the table and asks if there is something wrong with the meal.
"Not at all. I'm sorry," says the gentleman, embarrassed. "Please brings me another plate."
The waiter comes back a third time bearing a plate of the city's best spaghetti. The man, intent on enjoying his meal, keeps his head down and begins to eat. Halfway through the plate, he lifts his eyes to the heavens in salute to the beauty of a perfect meal and sees the man with leprosy again.
He loses his meal all over the table in front of him.
This is finally too much for the man with leprosy. He stands up and shouts, "If you have a problem with how I look, you better just leave!"
The poor gentleman waves his arms in protest. "No, sir. It isn't you, I swear! It's the guy behind you dipping his breadstick into your back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922p4b/a_gentleman_walks_into_a_very_busy_italian/
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I have a super easy way to see how good you are at avoiding click bait.

Turns out you are terrible at it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922oa3/i_have_a_super_easy_way_to_see_how_good_you_are/
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A young boy asks his dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?”

The dad replies, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That’s confidential.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922n6u/a_young_boy_asks_his_dad_what_is_the_difference/
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Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922m4m/three_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/
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A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I would have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922ho0/a_newly_married_man_asked_his_wife_would_you_have/
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Why was the beach wet?

Because the sea weed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922fgs/why_was_the_beach_wet/
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A man died and went to heaven...

*Courtesy of a comment by* u/garlopf *on a previous joke of a similar type.*
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, a pleasant breeze brushing past his face, he saw a huge wall of cocks behind him, all of various sizes.
Surprised, he asked, “why are there so many cocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Cocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Cock. Every time you lie the cock will swing around once.”
“Oh.” said the man, wondering why cocks were the method used to track lies, that too in heaven. Despite his confusion, he asked, “Whose cock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The cock has never swung, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible!” said the man.
“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s cock. It has swung twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Donald Trump's cock?” asked the man.
“Feel the breeze?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922f9v/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
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A Jewish kid tells his father he saved some money...

Kid: "Dad I saved $3 by running behind the bus after school today"
Dad: "Next time run behind a taxi, you'll save more"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922du4/a_jewish_kid_tells_his_father_he_saved_some_money/
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What did one ass cheek say to the other?

"If we stick together, we can stop this shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922bor/what_did_one_ass_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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I accept that my son is only average at school...

...he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/922920/i_accept_that_my_son_is_only_average_at_school/
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I don’t understand this recent trend where everyone seems to be obsessed with protein.

I’m way more into amateur teen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9227rx/i_dont_understand_this_recent_trend_where/
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Don't be racist.

Hate everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9225ig/dont_be_racist/
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What did the Cannibals Anonymous group say to Dave when he showed up an hour late to their weekly meeting?

Nothing. They just gave him the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9224ij/what_did_the_cannibals_anonymous_group_say_to/
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There are 2 kinds of people

1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9223kh/there_are_2_kinds_of_people/
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A short story about two old ladies at a bus stop

There are two old ladies at the bus stop. One is rich while the other one is poor. It was the Rich lady's birthday last week.
"my husband got me a diamond ring for my birthday" says the rich lady
"that's nice!" says the poor lady
"he also got me a Mercedes C class" says the rich lady
"that's nice!" says the poor lady
"so what did yours get you?" asks the rich lady
"a book about anger management" says the poor lady
"ha! And I can see it hasn't worked" says the rich lady
"oh, it did actually" says the poor lady "before I used to say "fuck off" and now I say "thats nice!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9221q1/a_short_story_about_two_old_ladies_at_a_bus_stop/
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What do you find at the end of a rainbow?

A        “W”
( joke from my 8 yo daughter)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/921vwk/what_do_you_find_at_the_end_of_a_rainbow/
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I asked my girlfriend why she never blinked during sex.

She said she didn't have time to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/921rnq/i_asked_my_girlfriend_why_she_never_blinked/
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What sound do alien sheep from Star Wars make?

Dagobah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/921p0c/what_sound_do_alien_sheep_from_star_wars_make/
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A man in an interrogation room

says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
"You are the lawyer." exclaims the policemen.
"Exactly, so where’s my present?" replied the lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/921ngv/a_man_in_an_interrogation_room/
%
What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on the same book for years?

The church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/921mv7/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
%
What does NASCAR stand for?

Non Athletic Sports Centered Around Rednecks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/921m19/what_does_nascar_stand_for/
%
If you have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?

Kermit’s undivided attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/921ijb/if_you_have_a_green_ball_in_your_left_hand_and_a/
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A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9219oj/a_man_was_sun_bathing_naked_at_the_beach_for_the/
%
My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9218zi/my_daughter_turned_18_today_so_i_bought_her_a/
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A duck walks in to a bar

And asks the bartender if he has any bread. “Go away duck! We don’t have any bread” said the bartender.
The duck waddles off.
The next day the duck returns to the bar and asks the bartender if he has any bread. “Go away duck! I told you we don’t have any bread!”
The duck again waddles off.
The following day the duck returns and before he can ask the bartender a question, the Barman flies in to a tirade, “if you ask me if I have any bread I’m going to nail your bill to the bar!”
The duck asks “do you have any nails?”
The Bartender says no.
The ducks asks “do you have any bread?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9218o2/a_duck_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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I used to play my Xbox so much when i was a kid, I'd forget to brush my teeth.

Worst case of Halo-tosis you ever saw.
This joke was actually the first thing I ever posted to Reddit, just not to jokes.
Edit again I just realized it's my cake day so, reason for reposting my bad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9218bx/i_used_to_play_my_xbox_so_much_when_i_was_a_kid/
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I had been at marines for 4 years.

And I went back to study.
In the second year I got the chance to go for a exchange in France.
My mother is French so I speak the language.
It is expensive in Paris so I look for a job to get some extra money.
After a week I got hired at Subway.
One night one of my ex-squadmates walks is.
We recognized eachother and start talking.
I tell him my story.
He starts talking in a retarded fake French accent.
I am ze french, I eet ze baguette.
Annoyed, what bread do you want?
I eet ze one thirthee centimeeter with ze bread zat iz yellow.
That's the flat bread.
Oui le flat bread.
Do you want veggies?
I eet ze little black circles.
You mean olives?
Oui olives in ze yellow sub, marine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9212jz/i_had_been_at_marines_for_4_years/
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch, it might be me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9210pn/my_boss_is_going_to_fire_the_employee_with_the/
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Blonde joke

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are stuck on a desert island.
They know the nearest coast is 50 miles away.
The redhead swims 30 miles but gets tired and drowns.
The brunette swims 45 miles but gets tired and drowns.
The blonde swims 40 miles, gets tired and swims back to the island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9210og/blonde_joke/
%
What happened to Hitler when the lights went out

He could Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/920y1c/what_happened_to_hitler_when_the_lights_went_out/
%
I went for an interview for a labouring job

The boss said “starting pay is £60 a day, and after six months it goes up to £80. When do you want to start?”
I said “in 6 months”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/920rxn/i_went_for_an_interview_for_a_labouring_job/
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It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”
Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.
The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”
The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, an amazing night, Sir!”
The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, It is the best, Sir!”
The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”
The Private simply said “Sir, Good trade Sir!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/920plg/it_was_a_dark_stormy_night/
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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/920pjq/two_great_white_sharks_swimming_in_the_ocean/
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Step 2. Profit

Step 1. Time machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/920ni0/step_2_profit/
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I entered a contest where the grand prize was a shopping center, but I lost

Can't win the mall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/920dxl/i_entered_a_contest_where_the_grand_prize_was_a/
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Two Hindus were talking

Both had failed in college for the third time.
One says "This is too tough! I don't think I'll ever pass. Do you think we hould commit suicide?"
The other replies "Hell no! Are you crazy? We'll have to start over from kindergarten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/920cql/two_hindus_were_talking/
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A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “what are those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh.” said the man, “Whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible!” said the man.
“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, tellings us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Donald Trump's clock?”
“Trump's clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9208ak/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.
She asked the store manager: “How much for these shoes?”
He replied: “$300”
The blonde: “That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?”
The store manager said he couldn’t,and got irritated when the blonde persisted.
Finally, after arguing with her for awhile he said: "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!"
The blonde replied: “Fine. I will.”
After two hours, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 7 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9205w1/a_blonde_walked_into_a_shoe_shop_and_saw_a_pair/
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I've bedded countless women.

Best bed salesman ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91zxnq/ive_bedded_countless_women/
%
The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis.  He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt.  His friend asks what he's going to do when she shows up.  His face contorts in frustration.  "When I see her face..."
He softens.
"Imma believe 'er."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ztsj/the_lead_singer_of_smash_mouth_is_up_late_with_a/
%
A husband and wife decide to relive their first date on their 10th anniversary.

They come to the fence that they first made love up against. The man looks at his wife "For old time's sake?" She nods and they begin to make love.
He pushes her up against the fence and says "You're even tighter than when we first started to date!"
She replies "The fence wasn't electric 10 years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91zpuu/a_husband_and_wife_decide_to_relive_their_first/
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Your mama so fat...

I was gunna make a movie about her - “around your mum In 80 days” but I changed it to “mission impossible”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91zpft/your_mama_so_fat/
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One wish

"Waiter, does your band play anything by a guest's choice?"
"Of course!"
"Let them play a game of snooker then, so I can eat my dinner in peace!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91zn2w/one_wish/
%
What do you call a girl you can't stop thinking about?

.......a recurring thot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91zmew/what_do_you_call_a_girl_you_cant_stop_thinking/
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I recently found an Indian dating site.

It's called connect the dots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91zm6v/i_recently_found_an_indian_dating_site/
%
Why couldn't the melon get married?

Because it cantelope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91zimv/why_couldnt_the_melon_get_married/
%
A joke my Dad told me...

A man is at the bar, he's been drinking all night and he gets sick and throws up all over his shirt.
He says to the bartender, "oh man, my wife's gonna kill me!"
The bartender says, "Here's what you do, take a $10 put it in your pocket and say some other guy threw up on you and gave you $10 to get your shirt dry-cleaned!"
The man replies, "Okay, I'll try it."
So the man stumbles home, his wife is up waiting for him. Upset she says, "You're drunk, home late again! And you've messed your shirt!!"
The man says, "it's okay honey, look some other guy threw up on me, and gave me $10 to get my shirt dry-cleaned."
His wife takes the bill and says, "But this is a $20!"
The man says, "Oh yea, he shit in my pants too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91zhjx/a_joke_my_dad_told_me/
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Why do teenage girls hang out in odd numbers?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91zh10/why_do_teenage_girls_hang_out_in_odd_numbers/
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

And the horse says, "I've just realized I'm a metaphysical construct within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ze9x/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender_says/
%
I don't wanna grow up, I wanna be a Toys 'R' Us kid...

Bankrupt and empty inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91zdte/i_dont_wanna_grow_up_i_wanna_be_a_toys_r_us_kid/
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I can think of two good reasons to wear diapers

Number one and number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91zag8/i_can_think_of_two_good_reasons_to_wear_diapers/
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Are you seriously going out with that skirt?

"Yeah, dad, why?"
"Because I can see your dick, Johnson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91z5mm/are_you_seriously_going_out_with_that_skirt/
%
An elderly woman is driving 17 mph on a highway

A cop pulls her over and says “Ma’am, you should know driving too slow is as much of a risk as driving too fast.”
The woman pointed to a sign and said “But Officer, I was going exactly the speed limit!”
The officer says “That’s the route number. You’re on US-17.” He notices another elderly woman passed out in the backseat. “Who is your passenger and why is she passed out?”
The woman says “Oh dear, we just got off State Route 112!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91z4mm/an_elderly_woman_is_driving_17_mph_on_a_highway/
%
Confucius say :

"It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91yuqn/confucius_say/
%
Descartes walks into a bar.

He orders a drink and finishes it. The bartender asks if he wants another.
"I think not," says Descartes.
Poof. He disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ypeg/descartes_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I do 10 sit ups every morning

It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91yn91/i_do_10_sit_ups_every_morning/
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Thank God for whoever invented pole vaults

Otherwise we'd all have to keep our poles in safety deposit boxes.
.
.
I've searched all over the internet to see if this joke has been mentioned and haven't found anything like it. My grandma told me it a few years before she died so it's a joke I cherish and thought I'd share. She said it was a Dick Van Dyke joke, but have been unable to find anything like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ykch/thank_god_for_whoever_invented_pole_vaults/
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A lesbian trucker named Spike

hauled dildos by night down the pike/
when asked by the fuzz/
what it is that she does/
she replies "I'm a fake-dick van dyke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91yk6j/a_lesbian_trucker_named_spike/
%
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?

Because every play has a cast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91yk4p/why_do_we_tell_actors_to_break_a_leg/
%
Hannibal Lecter escapes his prison, and begins a cannibalistic killing spree.

Bodies turn up all over the city, mutilated and butchered like livestock. The livers are missing from the bodies, as is muscle from the shoulders, legs and back, the tongues, a variety of human flesh all carved out and eaten by Lecter after killing his victims.
Not only that, but he escapes the scene by cutting off other body parts to disguise himself and cover his tracks. He peels off faces to wear them as masks, cuts out fingertips to break through fingerprint locks, even scalps a man to wear his shaggy hair as a wig and disappear into the crowd while the police look for a receding hairline. He slips away every time, leaving skinned corpses in his wake.
One night he gets sloppy. A silent alarm in a rich fellow's mansion brings the police to him. The moment he hears a siren in the distance, Hannibal bolts for the door. He prepares his usual disguise, stripping the face from a slain servant, donning a jacket from the wardrobe, and fleeing into the night. But the police are already circling the block, and the crowd is sparse tonight.
Searching for a way out, Hannibal races down the sidewalk, passing two people walking side by side. He ducks between the large hedges surrounding the gate to another home, and pulls the bloody mask from his head to look around and get his bearings. He leans out to look down the sidewalk, but another passerby happens to pass that gate at the same time, and they collide.
"Oh my god! You're that killer, Hannibal Lecter!" the man shouts. His cover blown, Hannibal flees, and in a moment of panic he shoves the bloody face into the man's hands, who remains there, stunned and horrified as Lecter disappears into the night.
The police round the corner, a car and three officers on foot surround the gate, guns drawn, and scream at the man, who is still holding the horrific evidence of the crime, to put his hands up. One of the officers, confused by the fact that the suspect doesn't match the description at all, raises his voice to ask, "This is the guy skinning people? Is this really him?"
The man holds up the gore-caked jowls in his hands and shakes his head frantically. "No, no!" he shouts, waving it about. "I've just got one of those faces."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91yk2d/hannibal_lecter_escapes_his_prison_and_begins_a/
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How many Alabama football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team, and they all get a semester's credit for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91yggq/how_many_alabama_football_players_does_it_take_to/
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What do you call a book that wants to be a play?

A transcript.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91yepy/what_do_you_call_a_book_that_wants_to_be_a_play/
%
Why did the Mexican man have to go to the hospital after taking 3 pills?

Because it was an over dos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91y4c8/why_did_the_mexican_man_have_to_go_to_the/
%
A guy sits down in Reddit and asks for a joke.

"Sorry," says the waitress, "but the guy next to you got the last one."
The guy looks at the man next to him and says "are you gonna read that?"
"No," says the other man, so our hero takes the joke and begins reading it. After he got halfway through, he reposted it.
"Yeah," said the other man, "that's about as far as I got too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91y3vp/a_guy_sits_down_in_reddit_and_asks_for_a_joke/
%
A boy to his dad: "What's polygamy?"

"Go ask your mothers", he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91y2mc/a_boy_to_his_dad_whats_polygamy/
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In Santa Barbara...

restaurant employees could face up to six months jail time for giving out straws.
That means seconds before the ban went into effect, a waiter could have handed one out and said, "This is the last straw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91y00y/in_santa_barbara/
%
They say guns dont kill people, people kill people.

does that mean toasters dont toast toast, toast toast toast?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91xzwa/they_say_guns_dont_kill_people_people_kill_people/
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What’s the difference between a tornado in the south and a southern divorce?

Nothing, somebody’s losing the trailer.
- Robin Williams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91xpj5/whats_the_difference_between_a_tornado_in_the/
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I saw a billboard today that said, "Pregnant? You're not alone."

I thought to myself, "Isn't that how it works?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91xnkm/i_saw_a_billboard_today_that_said_pregnant_youre/
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I was gonna tell a time traveling joke...

But you guys didn’t like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91xms6/i_was_gonna_tell_a_time_traveling_joke/
%
How many mayflies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91xmc9/how_many_mayflies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A kid asked his dad what an alcoholic is

Dad:  “You see those 4 cars ahead of us? An alcoholic would see 8”
Son: “Dad there’s only 2.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91xm2e/a_kid_asked_his_dad_what_an_alcoholic_is/
%
I used to think doing "the helicopter" in public was socially acceptable

But apparently, it's considered a dick move

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91xipl/i_used_to_think_doing_the_helicopter_in_public/
%
I crashed into a truck full of terrapins earlier

Turtle disaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91xeji/i_crashed_into_a_truck_full_of_terrapins_earlier/
%
How to catch a polar bear

This is the first joke I ever told my grandpa(I was so little I don't even remember it) but he told everyone he could about it up to the day he passed.
Do you know how to catch a polar bear grandpa?
No I don't short-stuff, how do you catch one?
You cut a hole in the ice and line it with peas, and when the polar bear goes to take a pea.
you kick him in the ice-hole.
He passed away 15 years ago this month and I still smile whenever I remember this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91xdpy/how_to_catch_a_polar_bear/
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Confucius says... (maybe slightly nsfw)

...man who take woman camping have one in-tent.
...man who puts rooster in freezer gets stiff cock.
...man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
...man who makes love to exhaust pipe have hot rod.
My dad and brothers(and uncles) are to blame for most of these horrible jokes. =D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91xas6/confucius_says_maybe_slightly_nsfw/
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Your boss is like a diaper....

Always on your ass and full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91x8le/your_boss_is_like_a_diaper/
%
What do you call a boss that's under 5 feet tall?

A micro manager

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91x773/what_do_you_call_a_boss_thats_under_5_feet_tall/
%
A man walks into a Chinatown apothecary

He tells the proprietor that he has a date with a gorgeous woman that night.  The woman, however has an incredible sex drive, and she has left every man she had ever been with after a single night because they could not satisfy her.
The proprietor nods his head and asks the man to wait.  He goes into the back and comes back out with a packet of powder in an ancient looking bag.  "You put this into your drink an hour before your date and you will stay with her all night long" he tells the man.  The man pays and thanks the proprietor.
The next day, the man comes back in and looks absolutely awful.  His eyes are red and have dark circles under them and his hair and clothing are disheveled.   He walks up to the counter and unzips his pants and pulls out his penis, which looks red and raw.  "Do you have any Bengay?" He asks.
"You not putting Bengay on that!" The proprietor cries.
"No, no it's for my arms.  The bitch never showed up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91x6mr/a_man_walks_into_a_chinatown_apothecary/
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Penis-Head Study

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91x4nh/penishead_study/
%
Two girls are walking home after a night out…

Both of them are busting to go to the toilet so they decide to go in the cemetery. One wipes with her panties then throws them away, the other wipes with a wreath of flowers off one of the graves.
The next day their husbands are talking at work….
"I'm gonna have to start keeping an eye on my wife, she came home last night with no panties on"
"That's nothing, mine came home with a card wedged in her ass saying 'We'll never forget you, from all the boys at the fire station'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91x3gj/two_girls_are_walking_home_after_a_night_out/
%
Three men are in a helicopter.

They urge one another to throw things off the side. The first says "Watch this!" and drops a rusty nail out of the helicopter.
"That's nothing!" says the second man, who proceeds to drop three rusty nails out of the helicopter.
The third man smiles, says "Take a load of this," and drops a hand grenade out of the helicopter.
Soon, the three men are walking around the area where they had dropped things. First, they see a little boy with tears in his eyes. "What's wrong, young man?" they ask. He sniffs and says "I was walking around with my balloon and a nail fell out of the sky and popped it!" The men grimace and move along quickly.
Next they come up to a little girl, who is sobbing. "What's wrong little girl?" they ask. Between wails, she says "I had three little balloons, but three nails fell out of the sky and popped them!" Beginning to look worried, the men move quickly along the street.
Next they see a little boy laughing so hard he can barely breath. Anxious to know what had happened, they ask "Little boy, what is so funny?"
He says between chuckles "I farted and my house blew up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91x1k3/three_men_are_in_a_helicopter/
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The lone nomad and his camel

A lone nomad was trying to pass through the desert on his camel. He had enough water and rations to complete his journey, but the loneliness was tornmenting him.
He rode his camel for three days and three nights without running into another soul. Eventually, the heat of the desert started playing playing tricks on his mind and his camel started to appear more attractive with each passing day. Delirious, the nomad decided to fuck his camel. He got behind it, but the camel turned its head and looked at him with sad eyes. Nomad felt ashamed of himself and changed his mind.
He rode another three days and three nights. His urges started to feel unbearable and the nomad, once again, decided to fuck his camel. He got beind it but the camel turned its head and stared at him with sad eyes. So the nomad changed his mind again.
After riding for three more days through the desert, the nomad sees an oasis in the distance. He gets close to it and notices someone about to drown in it. He quickly jumps and drags the person to the shore, only to discover that this person was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
After catching her breath, she says: "I would have died if it weren't for you! Please tell me how I can repay what you did. I'll do anything you wish."
The nomad thinks for a few seconds and says: "Can you hold this camel's head, so I can  finally fuck it in peace?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91x0o9/the_lone_nomad_and_his_camel/
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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91wrcr/i_bought_a_porn_dvd_today_and_all_i_could_see_was/
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91wq6n/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write..."

I thought, "That's unlikely"...
It's a basic skill isn't it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91wnis/when_i_left_home_my_mum_said_dont_forget_to_write/
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What do you call a chameleon that can’t change colors?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91wm5z/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_that_cant_change/
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A frog calls a psychic...

His personal psychic tells him that he is going to meet a beautiful girl who will want to know everything about him.
The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”
The psychic says, “No, biology class”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91wlfp/a_frog_calls_a_psychic/
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Three guys are working at a zoo's gorilla exhibit...

Three zookeepers are working at the gorilla exhibit and the zoo's twelve year old female gorilla, Chloe, is in heat. Chloe is behaving aggressive towards the other female gorillas and tearing her own enclosure apart. The three zookeepers know they must do something quick to calm her down. They MUST find her a mate, otherwise she will end up hurting herself or another one of the animals.
The senior-most zookeeper turns to the other two and says, "Do you guys have any ideas? Our only adult male gorilla had surgery yesterday and is in no condition to mate. We need to think of something fast." Both Junior zookeepers stood silently looking at each other.
Then the youngest zookeeper who had just started the job that week timidly says, "I...I think I might know something to do."
The senior zookeeper responds, "Ok. Go on."
He continues, "Well. I have this friend, Billy. Billy is kind of weird, but I bet he'll do it for $500."
"Do what?"
"You know...have sex with the gorilla."
The two other zookeepers start laughing.
"No. I'm serious. I know he'll do it", the young man restates.
The senior zookeeper stares in disbelief, but then looks at Chloe's enclosure and the immense damage she's already caused.
"Well. Shit." Says the senior zookeeper. "Nobody knows about this, but us. You are to tell no one or it's all of our asses. Get him here by the end of the day." The young man rushes away to his car.
About an hour later, the young man returns with Billy, a thin, awkward looking man in his early twenties. Billy stares at the other zookeepers with a very concerned and suspicious look on his face.
"You're the guy?" The senior zookeeper says."
"Yes. Billy... I'm Billy", he responds.
"And you're here to..."
"Have sex with the gorilla?"
"...yes. That."
"Yes I am" replies Billy.
"Ok. Well thank you", says the senior zookeeper. "We appreciate your help."
"No problem!", Billy shouts with a smile.
The zookeeper opens the door to the enclosure. "She's in there. Go on in", he says. Billy pauses and looks at the zookeeper in disappointment.
"What's wrong", says the zookeeper.
Billy responds, "it's just...well...I'm not gonna be able to get you that $500 until next week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91wicy/three_guys_are_working_at_a_zoos_gorilla_exhibit/
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What do you call a poet with a cold?

An illiterate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91wick/what_do_you_call_a_poet_with_a_cold/
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A blonde called her boyfriend and said, Please come over here and help me

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…”
He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91wfke/a_blonde_called_her_boyfriend_and_said_please/
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“Dude, you’ve got a henway on your neck!”

“What’s a henway?”
“About three pounds”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91wfjj/dude_youve_got_a_henway_on_your_neck/
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Whats the difference between a weed dealer and a pilot?

A weed dealer has less chances of killing you when he gets you high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91wfdy/whats_the_difference_between_a_weed_dealer_and_a/
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A pirate joke:

A pirate ship is sailing the sea when suddenly 2 British ships surround it. The captain shouts "bring me my red shirt" the pirates win and continue sailing
Later, 5 British ships surround the pirates ship. The captain yells again "bring me my red shirt" the fight is tough but the pirates win.
Then one of the crew members asks the captain "why do you always ask for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain answers
" so the ship's crew can't see the blood of my wounds, that way they are not demoralized".
Afterwards 15 British ships surround the pirate ship, and the captain yells
"bring me my brown pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91wele/a_pirate_joke/
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What do you call noodles cooked with roofies?

Forgetti Spaghetti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91w8sp/what_do_you_call_noodles_cooked_with_roofies/
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Donald Trump announced that he wants to put a cap on immigrants in the near future.

That seems unfair. They should be allowed to wear whatever they want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91w8o6/donald_trump_announced_that_he_wants_to_put_a_cap/
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I was playing a board game with my friends when I noticed some important pieces of the game were missing.

I asked my friend, " Are you the game owner?"
He said, "I moan but I'm straight"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91w83r/i_was_playing_a_board_game_with_my_friends_when_i/
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Reddit is like an organic notebook

The front page is usually 100% recycled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91w4pj/reddit_is_like_an_organic_notebook/
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Boss "ok tell me about Lu-Lu"

Me : slowly taking a long drag of my cigarette;:
"Ah yes Lulu the one that got away."
Boss "you're a  zookeeper Bob,  none of them are supposed to get away!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91w36o/boss_ok_tell_me_about_lulu/
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Vampire Joke

A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the cave’s roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. “OK, follow me.” He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Do you see that tree over there?” “YES, YES, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Well I didn t!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91w17g/vampire_joke/
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My grandfather was lucky, he died peacefully in his sleep

Unofortunately the passengers on his bus died screaming in terror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91w13d/my_grandfather_was_lucky_he_died_peacefully_in/
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What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut is a woman who’ll sleep with anyone, whereas a bitch is a woman who’ll sleep with anyone except you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91vyvp/whats_the_difference_between_a_slut_and_a_bitch/
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A store owner is depressed when he noticed a sign on his neighbors business saying "Best Deals"

He feels even worse when the business on the other side of him puts up a sign saying
"Lowest Prices"
But then an idea struck him!
The next day he bought an even bigger sign reading "Main Entrance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91vtwh/a_store_owner_is_depressed_when_he_noticed_a_sign/
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The bear and the rabbit and their fairy tale

In the woods. There is a bear and a rabbit. The bear is an grumpy and always horny guy.
The rabbit has to suffer a lot from him. He gets humiliated all the time. When the bear goes to the toilet and there is no paper around, he takes the rabbit to wipe his butt.
When he gets horny... He also uses the rabbit.. And so on.
So one day there is fairy comes along and grants both of them three wishes. The bear may begins :" i wish that in the whole forrest where we live are sufficient bear ladies, so when i get horny... I can just.. You know".
Then the rabbit :"since i am scared and anxious of this bear i want some protection, i wish to have a helmet".
The bear again :"ok my second wish is that i wanna have bear ladies all over the country, so if i leave the forrest i still can... You know...".
The second wish of the rabbit:" i wish also to have a motorcycle.. So when the bear hunts me... I can get away", all the wishes are granted and the two are about to tell their last wishes.
"I wish that in every corner and in every place I'll ever go in the whole world that there are more then enough lady bears so i can always, no matter where i am, have sex!" the bear says with eager.
The rabbit puts on his helmet and starts the engine of his bike, he looks to the bear and the fairy and says:" my last wish is that the bear turns gay!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91vszu/the_bear_and_the_rabbit_and_their_fairy_tale/
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An anteater walks into a bar

The anteater asks the bartender for a drink and the bartender asks "is Pepsi okay?" The anteater replies "noooooooooooo". So the bartender asks "is orange juice okay? And once again the anteater replies "noooooooooooo". One more time the bartender asks "how about water?" The anteater agrees that water is fine. So the anteater gets his drink and the bartender can't help but ask the anteater one final question.
"So, why the long no's?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91vp2k/an_anteater_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.
"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"
"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91vliw/a_man_tells_a_rabbi_i_have_a_strong_desire_to/
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I’ve got something serious to say

No joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91viqp/ive_got_something_serious_to_say/
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I feel bad for people who have asthma

Because out of all the things you could be bad at, you suck at breathing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91vhq6/i_feel_bad_for_people_who_have_asthma/
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What’s 6.9

Something great, ruined by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91vhnb/whats_69/
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I had a thing for Rosie, the robot maid from the Jetsons.

Man, was she built!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91vgv9/i_had_a_thing_for_rosie_the_robot_maid_from_the/
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“Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“It’s because your mom loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of it.”
“Thanks Dad!”
“No problem, Alan!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91vfqe/dad_why_is_my_sister_named_teresa/
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Proper etiquette is important.

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for high-schoolers, the teacher said to her students:
“If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”
Mike raised his hand and replied: “Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.”
The teacher said: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”
Charlie replied: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”
The teacher says: “That’s much better, but to mention the word ”toilet” during a meal is unpleasant.”
Then Johnny chimed in: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91vdil/proper_etiquette_is_important/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91vcxv/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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Hank and Frank

This businessman retires, he’s had a good life, made a lot of money, ready to take it easy.  He’s driving around the countryside one day and he sees this farm with a couple horses running up and down this hill, over and over.  He’s just amazed by these horses, they look so fast to him.
So he pulls in the driveway and goes up to the farmhouse.  He meets the farmer and asks about the horses.  “Well, that one there with the white splotch above his nose is Hank, and that one with the white spot under his chin is Frank, they’re brothers.”  So the businessman watches for awhile with the farmer, chatting the day away, watching Hank and Frank going up and down the hill.  Finally, as the sun is going down he asks the farmer if he’d be willing to sell them.  “Well, I hadn’t really thought about it, we always like having horses on the farm, but I’m old now, not much for riding.  I guess we could part with them, to someone who’d care for ‘em.”  So he makes a deal with the farmer to come and get the horses in a week, have a vet check them out, the whole shebang.
He goes home and the next day he immediately contracts to have a stable built, a vet to check the horses, buys a big truck and trailer for the horses, feed, hay, everything he needs to properly take care of his new horses.  He even contacts an old family friend he knows use to train horses.
A week passes, the horses check out fine and he brings him back to his house, now a proper ranch.  The trainer comes over and checks out Hank and Frank, running up and down the hillside all day just like at the old farmer’s.  The trainer is mighty impressed with the fine animals, young and strong, and asks the businessman if he’d thought about racing them.  He hadn’t thought of it, but he’s retired and has time, seems like racing horses is what old businessmen do.  Next thing you know he’s hired the trainer, found two local lads to ride Hank and Frank, and registered him for the town races.
So the day of the town races comes along, the businessman is beaming, just happy to have found something new and exciting to do, the trainer feeling like a young man again, the two young jockeys (Stan and Dan) nerves all bundled up ready to go.  Hank and Frank, they don’t hardly seem to notice that anything is going on.
The horses are led to the blocks and the last one’s loaded, gun fires, and the gates open!
And Hank and Frank just bolt out of there, Stan and Dan almost left behind as they hold on tight.  And at the quarter point Hank and Frank have already left the other horses well behind, 3 lengths already and just leaving them further behind.
At the halfway mark it’s Hank and Frank by 6 lengths, Hank and Frank neck and neck.  Then at the last turn, Hank and Frank by 10 lengths, 11 lengths.
Coming to the line by 20! lengths, it’s Hank and Frank.
Hank and Frank
Hank and Frank…
Hank wins!
And the businessman and the trainer and the jockeys are bursting with excitement and joy, the crowd is blown away, and it’s just an amazing win.
Well now he’s gotta enter the horses in the County Races, you just can’t have a pair of horses like that and NOT race them.  He gets new silks for Stan and Dan, Stan with green and yellow checkers, Dan with blue and white checkers, he builds himself a mantle over the fireplace for his trophy, and he hires on the trainer fulltime.
The County Races comes along, the businessman is beaming, shaking hands with the other owners, the trainer confident as he watches,  Stan and Dan proud in their brand new silk.  Hank and Frank just go along with it all, never giving anyone a second look.
Then the horses are led to the blocks and the last one’s loaded, gun fires, and the gates open!
And Hank and Frank bolt out of there, Stan and Dan ready for the wild ride this time, silks whipping in the wind.  At the quarter point Hank and Frank have already left the other horses well behind, 2 lengths already and just leaving them further back.
At the halfway mark it’s Hank and Frank by 5 lengths, Hank and Frank neck and neck.  Then at the last turn, Hank and Frank by a good 10 lengths, and they just seem to get faster!
Coming to the line by 18 lengths, it’s Hank and Frank!
Hank and Frank
Hank and Frank
Hank and Frank…
Hank wins!
And it’s just amazing, no one’s seen anything like these two horses, and well now he’s gotta race them in the State Championship!
The big race comes along, now everyone’s talking about these horses, Hank and Frank.  You can see the nervousness in the other owner’s eyes, even some of the jockeys.  There can’t be two horses like this can there?
And the horses are brought to the gates, Stan and Dan sitting proud atop them.  Stan in green and yellow checks, Dan in blue and white.  The last horse is put into the gates, and then they’re off!
Coming to the first turn it’s Hank and Frank, just leaving everyone in their dust again.  Heading down the backstretch, at the halfway mark by 5 lengths, pulling away, 6 lengths, 7 lengths.
Coming ‘round the last turn, it’s Hank and Frank by 8 lengths, coming towards the finish, 10…12 lengths it’s Hank and Frank.
Hank and Frank neck and neck
Hank and Frank
Hank and Frank…
Hank wins!
Well now there’s no doubt about it, what kind of horses can these be?  Why the businessman doesn’t have any choice but that he’s gotta enter them in the Kentucky Derby!
And the businessman counts the days while the trainer trains, the jockeys jockey, and through it all the horses just love running up and down that hill all day, up and down.
So now THE big race comes around, all the best horses from the country, all the richest owners.  Laughing when a reporter mentions Hank and Frank, why they’re just horses that have been running against nags this whole time!
The trumpets blare, thousands upon thousands of fans in the stands, in the middle of the track.  Giant stupid flowered hats and pretentious drinks, the rich and the drunks and the everyday man all gathered for the event.
The blocks are filled, the horses are off!
And coming around the first turn it’s close, all the best horses, but there are Hank and Frank, pulling out a length ahead.  Coming down the backstretch, Hank and Frank never slowing, 2 lengths, 3 lengths, 5 lengths coming around the bend.
Coming down the final stretch, Hank and Frank far in the lead, 8 lengths, 9 even.
Hank and Frank
Hank and Frank
Hank and Frank….
Hank wins!
And the crowd is nuts, the businessman and trainer, the jockeys Stan and Dan all in the winner’s circle with the flowers and press.
So the Preakness is just two weeks later, and what do Hank and Frank do just as soon as they get home.  Up and down that hill all day.  The businessman just watching them as he sits in his chair, trophies up on the mantle.  Up and down, up and down.
Two weeks come, the horses all being led to the gates.  Stan in his green and yellow checks, Dan in blue and white.  The horses in the gates, the bell rings, and they’re off!
Into the first turn it’s close, the best horses in the country running, and there’s Hank and Frank, just pulling ahead.
Coming down the backstretch, Hank and Frank pulling ahead, 2, 3 lengths.
Around the last turn and coming to the finish, it’s Hank and Frank up by 6 lengths, neck and neck, nose and nose.
Hank and Frank
Hank and Frank
Hank and Frank…
Hank wins!
And the crowd is really incensed, because now we have another Triple Crown contender, and his biggest rival is his brother, and by the same owner even!
But when they get back to that ranch, there go Hank and Frank again, up and down that hill.  Everyday, all day, just playing, running up and down that hill.
Then it’s the biggest day, the Belmont Stakes.  All of the national press there, the international press even, waiting to see if this could be the year.
The horses led to the gates.
Stan in his green and yellow checks, Dan in blue and white.
Led to the gates, the last horse in…and they’re off!
And Hank and Frank are right there nose and nose, the horses challenging them, riders determined to beat this pair.
At the quarter length it’s too close to tell, but then you can see the white splotch of Hank, the white spot of Frank, pulling ahead.
Coming to the half way point, Hank and Frank up by a length, pulling away, jockeys cursing in frustration.
Around the last turn, Hank and Frank blazing, even faster now, foaming as they feel the line coming up, neither horse giving the other an inch, the pack fading 5 lengths behind.  Never fading, neck and neck.
Hank and Frank…
Hank and Frank…
Hank and Frank…
It’s a photo finish…
Hank wins!
And it’s unbelievable, a Triple Crown winner, the two best horses anyone’s ever seen, the businessman dumbstruck at everything around him, the grounds crew afraid the stands will collapse with all the pandemonium.
When it’s all done, the businessman returns to his ranch, mantle overflowing with trophies, his pipe in hand as he watches Hank and Frank up and down that hill.
He’s retired now, Hank and Frank living well, still playing.  Up and down that hill, over and over.  Until one day, as they’re taking a break from their playing, grazing for grass and roots, tasty flowers, Frank is along the fence when he sees a dog.
The dog walks over to him and says, “Hey, aren’t you that horse Frank that ran in all those big races?”
“Yes, I am” said Frank.
“Well, I have to ask you, how come in all those races, how come Hank never let you win one?”
Frank had never thought of that, and that was a good question.  “Well, I never thought of that, that’s a good question,” he said to the dog.  “Let me go find out.”  And so he went over down to where his brother Hank was grazing.
“Hey Hank, that dog over there just asked me, how come you never let me win any races?”
Hank looks over at the dog for a second, then back at his brother and says, “Get real, dogs can’t talk!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91vbpx/hank_and_frank/
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A Buddhist, a Christian, and a Muslim are standing on the top of a cliff.

The Buddhist says, "If I jump, Buddha will save me" and he jumps. As he's flying toward his doom, he's yelling "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!" When he is about to hit the ground, a large hand swoops in and carries him to safety.
The Christian, seeing this, says, "If Buddha saved the Buddhist, then Jesus will surely save me!" and he jumps. As he's falling, he yells, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, JESUS! JESUS!!!! JESUS!!!! JESUS CHRIST!!!!!! OH JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!! JEEEEESUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!" He hits the ground with a loud WHACK and is killed on impact.
The Muslim then says, "I trust Allah" and he jumps.
"Allah! Allah! Allah! Allah!.... BUDDHA!!! BUDDHA!!!! BUDDHA!!!!...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91vb25/a_buddhist_a_christian_and_a_muslim_are_standing/
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A wino walked into a bar one day, and started begging for drinks.

One of the patrons tells him he'll buy the old sot a drink, but first he has to take a drink from the spittoon over in the corner.
The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer, goes over and picks up the spittoon, raises it to his lips, and starts chugging away.
The guy at the bar, who didn't really believe the wino would take him up on his offer, is horrified. "Stop! Stop!" he yells, "I'll buy you a drink now!"
But the wino keeps on drinking from the spittoon.
Again the guy at the bar calls out, "Stop! Put the spittoon down! I'll buy you a drink!"
But the wino keeps on drinking. Finally, after about five minutes he stops, and puts the spittoon down.
So they guy at the bar says, "Hey, didn't you hear me telling you to stop? Why didn't you stop?"
"I couldn't," the wino replies, "it was all one string."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91vavf/a_wino_walked_into_a_bar_one_day_and_started/
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“Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dadglasses?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91v97r/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
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Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week
surrounded by his family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91v8p4/everyone_in_my_family_was_a_police_officer_except/
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What do you call a dead musician?

A decomposer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91v8h6/what_do_you_call_a_dead_musician/
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What did the Mexican pilot say to make the flight take off on time?

UNDELAY UNDELAY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91v7tz/what_did_the_mexican_pilot_say_to_make_the_flight/
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A cop was watching a woman fueling her car. He noticed that she was smoking and all of a sudden her arm caught fire and started waving her arm. The cop tackled her and arrested her......

She was charged with waving a fire arm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91v6xz/a_cop_was_watching_a_woman_fueling_her_car_he/
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Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months?

The box said 2-4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91v37j/why_did_the_blonde_get_excited_after_finishing/
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3 men on construction site

3 men are on a construction site of a highrise during lunch
1st guy opens up his lunch box and sees a ham sandwich. He says "ham ham ham that's all I get. If I get another ham sandwich I'm jumping off this building and killing myself."
2nd guy opens up his lunch box and sees a turkey sandwich. He says "turkey turkey turkey. That's all I ever get. If I get another turkey sandwich I'll jump off and kill myself."
3rd guy opens his box and sees a bologna sandwich. He says "bologna bologna bologna that's all I ever get. One more bologna sandwich I'll jump off and kill myself"
Next day during lunch 1st guy opens his box. Ham sandwich. Jumps off and kills himself
2nd guy opens up his box. Turkey sandwich. Jumps off and kills himself. 3rd guy opens box. Bologna sandwich. Jumps off kills himself.
They day of the funeral the wives of the first 2 men are crying and weeping. Only wishing that if they had known they would've made something different. They turn to the third wife who proceeds to say "what? He makes his own lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91v2ly/3_men_on_construction_site/
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My wife tells me having a small penis shouldn’t affect our relationship.

I still wish she didn’t have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91uwti/my_wife_tells_me_having_a_small_penis_shouldnt/
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I've wanted to tell jokes about couriers but...

I'm still working on the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91uw5j/ive_wanted_to_tell_jokes_about_couriers_but/
%
What do Aussie bass strings say?

G'DAE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91uv1f/what_do_aussie_bass_strings_say/
%
Boss: There is no 'I' in 'team'

Me: There is no 'we' in 'team'
Boss: So what should we do?
Me: There is 'tea' in 'team'. Let's go and have some.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ur2m/boss_there_is_no_i_in_team/
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I can't think of a good knife pun.

Anybody want to take a stab at it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91uq2r/i_cant_think_of_a_good_knife_pun/
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A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"

Anthony says "I buy weed from Yakobo"
Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"
Shaun says "I buy cocaine from Yakobo"
The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.
"I complete my homework" he says.
Pleased, the teacher says "very good! What's your name, child?"
"I'm Yakobo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ue8w/a_teacher_asks_the_classwhat_do_you_do_after/
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What do you get when you sit underneath a cow?

A pat on the head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91uc4t/what_do_you_get_when_you_sit_underneath_a_cow/
%
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :
"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91u8hn/a_cop_pulls_a_guy_over_for_suspected_drunk_driving/
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A new salesman

There was a big town, with a big grocery store that anything could be bought from. Literally anything.
The manager of the storehouse put a "help wanted" flyer up, and a shy boy from the countryside applied for the job.
The manager was interviewing the boy, and asked:
"So, you're from the countryside?"
"Yup"
"Do you have any prior sales expertise?"
"Yeah, in the countryside..."
Even though the boy seemed shy, for some reason the manager liked him, and gave him the job. After the first day on the job, the manager comes around to see how the boy has managed.
"Well, how many sales did you make?"
"One."
The manager, a bit disappointed, asks:
"Well, usually our salespeople do around 20-30 deals a day. How much was your only sale worth?"
"Five hundred thousand"
"What? Five hundred thousand? What on earth did you sell to the customer?"
"Well, I sold this man a small fishhook, then a little bit bigger hook, and a third hook. Then I sold him a set of lures and a kit to make fly's for fly fishing. Then, of course he needed some line, so I sold him some normal line, a stronger line and a extra strong line. To which, the customer, of course needed proper poles, rod's and reel's. Then we came to the conclusion, that he definitely needs a boat for this. From that point on we went to the boat department, and I sold him a proper yacht with all the extra gear. Then, the customer thought that the old Cadillac he came with couldn't pull a yacht of this size. So on we went to the car department and I sold him a proper Range Rover and a trailer for the yacht. All-in-all, the deal came to be a little bit over five hundred thousand dollars. "
"God damn, a man came in to buy a fish hook, and you sold all of this to him?"
"Well, actually, he didn't come in for a fish hook. He came to buy some tampons for hes girlfriend, to which I told him that your weekend is already ruined, so why wont you go fishing instead..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91u7ve/a_new_salesman/
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Ms. Officer

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91u5kv/ms_officer/
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Who's guiltier in this situation?

Husband and wife are both sleeping. Suddenly, the wife yells out "My Husband's Home!!" And the husband rolls out of bed and jumps out of the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91u2e5/whos_guiltier_in_this_situation/
%
TIFU by accidentally ramming my toe against a cigarette urn while trying to throw my cigarette away.

Oops, wrong stub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91txdc/tifu_by_accidentally_ramming_my_toe_against_a/
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Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy.

They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.
They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.
The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.
The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."
"Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"
The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Katherine from the convent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91tvv7/vacationing_in_hawaii_two_priests_decide_to_wear/
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A fish swims into a wall....

Dam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91tsb1/a_fish_swims_into_a_wall/
%
A boy to his dad: "What's polygamy?"

"It's having one wife too many", he says.
"And what is monogamy?"
"... the same"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91tluq/a_boy_to_his_dad_whats_polygamy/
%
I don't know why I was fired at the Viagra factory

The surveillance video showed me hard at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91tgni/i_dont_know_why_i_was_fired_at_the_viagra_factory/
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A recent study shows that Samsung smartphones are now the most popular hand held device in the world.

For the first time, penis has slipped to Number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91te9p/a_recent_study_shows_that_samsung_smartphones_are/
%
An american, a brit, and a mexican are on a plane

An american, a brit and a mexican are on a plane.
The brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!". The mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!". The american proceeds to throw the mexican out of the plane.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the brit. The american turned around. "He killed my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91tci8/an_american_a_brit_and_a_mexican_are_on_a_plane/
%
Girls can’t stop talking about my huge dick

All week I’ve been hearing “what a huge dick” every time someone mentions me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91t9v0/girls_cant_stop_talking_about_my_huge_dick/
%
What's the difference between Putin and poutine?

Trump doens't have to wipe poutine off his chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91t9n6/whats_the_difference_between_putin_and_poutine/
%
Did you hear about the man who sued the airline for losing his luggage?

He lost the case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91t5q9/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_sued_the_airline/
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The importance of punctuation...

... is the difference between helping your uncle, Jack, off a horse or helping your uncle jack off a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91t35d/the_importance_of_punctuation/
%
How do car companies measure the impact of a collision

A crash test, dummy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91t0g0/how_do_car_companies_measure_the_impact_of_a/
%
Parrot Joke

A lady walking to work evryday passes by a pet shop.  Out on the sidewalk sits a parrot on his perch.  As she passes the parrot goes "HEY LADY." she looks at him and says "yes" the parrot replies "You're fucking ugly."  The lady gets her panties in a knot and walks off in a huff.
The next day, same lady walking past the same pet shop, same parrot out fron and the parrot says "HEEEY LADY."  She says "What?" the parrot replies "You're fucking ugly."  Again she walks off upset by the rude comment.
This goes on for almost a week "Hey Lady,  You're fucking ugly." Until the lady has had enough.  She marches into the store and confronts the owner."Every morning when I walk by your store that parrot out front insults me."  The owner tells her to wait right there and he goes and gets the parrot and brings him inside.  The Owner tells the parrot, "You see this lady, if you say one more insult to her I will take you home, I wll pluck you and I will boil you then I will eat you.  Got it?" The parrot looks suprised and replies "Yeah I got it."
The next day the same lady is walking past the same pet store and the same parrot says "HEEEY LADY."  The lady replies, "What?"  the parrot says "You know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91szk0/parrot_joke/
%
A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove

When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.
On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: “Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?”
The guy falling responded, “Nope, you know anything about parachutes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91sys4/a_man_was_doing_some_diy_work_on_his_gas_stove/
%
I tried to be an uber driver once.

Problem is, customers didn't appreciate when I went the extra mile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91swmz/i_tried_to_be_an_uber_driver_once/
%
A man emptied a punching bag of its content and filled it with Guinness books.

He then proceded to beat all records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91stne/a_man_emptied_a_punching_bag_of_its_content_and/
%
The firefighters in Greece are making the fire worse.

You aren't supposed to use water on Greece fires.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91sogu/the_firefighters_in_greece_are_making_the_fire/
%
What did Dolly the Sheep’s friend say to her right after her clone was born?

“Look, it’s a little ewe.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91skpg/what_did_dolly_the_sheeps_friend_say_to_her_right/
%
[Bad Pickup Line] I know I'm not the best looking guy here tonight...

but I'm the only one talking to you...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91sk3g/bad_pickup_line_i_know_im_not_the_best_looking/
%
The slut

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91sjrp/the_slut/
%
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band

...but I left because it was just one ting after another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91sh1g/i_used_to_play_the_triangle_in_a_reggae_band/
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I heard they recalled Steve irwin's sunblock lotion.

It didn't protect against harmful rays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91scqb/i_heard_they_recalled_steve_irwins_sunblock_lotion/
%
President Trump is in Israel for the Mideast Summit. He gets ill and dies...

President Trump is in Israel for the Mideast Summit. He gets ill and dies.
The local officials tell his aides that they could return the body to America but to honor the President they offer to bury him there in the Holy Land.
The aides confer and tell the official that they will take the body home.
The official asks why they would do that rather than accept the immense gift of burial in the Holy Land.
The aides reply: “A long time ago someone was buried here and arose 3 days later. We can’t take that chance.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91s8re/president_trump_is_in_israel_for_the_mideast/
%
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he will become a prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91s7xu/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
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Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91s7tn/does_anyone_know_how_to_draw_a_very_realistic/
%
When no one answers your r/AskOuija

You do it ___

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91s5xs/when_no_one_answers_your_raskouija/
%
Two blondes walk into a bar

You’d think the second one would have ducked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91s40x/two_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
%
In Spanish the gender of the word for water changes depending on if it is singular or plural. El Agua, Las Aguas.

I guess that means it is gender fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91s3rw/in_spanish_the_gender_of_the_word_for_water/
%
My physics teacher told me I had potential.

Then he threw me off the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ruxu/my_physics_teacher_told_me_i_had_potential/
%
How do you steal a porch?

You just take it step by step

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ruxk/how_do_you_steal_a_porch/
%
Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91rrfk/why_are_jewish_men_circumcised/
%
What's the difference between hard and light?

I can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91rp5j/whats_the_difference_between_hard_and_light/
%
Women are the only physical entity that defy the laws of gravitation.

Increase in mass does not lead to an increase in the force of attraction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91rntt/women_are_the_only_physical_entity_that_defy_the/
%
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?

Mankind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91rmxu/vladimir_putin_donald_trump_and_kim_jongun_jump/
%
Not sure if this is a repost... but

have you reddit before?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91rmjy/not_sure_if_this_is_a_repost_but/
%
40 years ago today, Louise Brown became the first test tube baby...

She had a womb with a view.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91rlsz/40_years_ago_today_louise_brown_became_the_first/
%
Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91rjuc/why_do_social_justice_warriors_hate_dentists/
%
According to Science

Alcohol is a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91rdq5/according_to_science/
%
What kind of bees eat people?

Zombies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91rd1g/what_kind_of_bees_eat_people/
%
What's good in German?

Gut.
What's bad in German?
Schlecht.
What's funny in German?
Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91rd0i/whats_good_in_german/
%
You know, if you and me were to have a sketching competition...

We'd draw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91rbtx/you_know_if_you_and_me_were_to_have_a_sketching/
%
A Roman walks into a bar

He holds up two fingers and says "I'll take five beers."‭

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91r9nk/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
This morning I told my wife we were out of protein powder. She replied.....

No Whey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91r941/this_morning_i_told_my_wife_we_were_out_of/
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As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting

but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91r3gg/as_a_vegan_i_think_people_who_sell_meat_are/
%
A pirate goes to the dermatologist to get some moles on his back looked at. The doctor examines him and says, "it's ok. They're benign."

The pirate turns around and says "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91r1o3/a_pirate_goes_to_the_dermatologist_to_get_some/
%
What do Waldo and my father have in common?

I can't find either of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91qyy7/what_do_waldo_and_my_father_have_in_common/
%
My boss came storming in to the office this morning, yelling that he’ll fire the employee with the worst posture...

I have a hunch it might be me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91qwl5/my_boss_came_storming_in_to_the_office_this/
%
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.

Now I’m in arrears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91qvte/i_forgot_to_pay_my_colonoscopy_bill/
%
What do you have if you’ve got 2 nuts on the wall?

Walnuts.
What do you have if you’ve got 2 nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts!
What do you have if you’ve got 2 nuts on your chin?
A cock in your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91qsx9/what_do_you_have_if_youve_got_2_nuts_on_the_wall/
%
A man travels 100 years forward in time. (Long)

Being unable to return,  he decides to see how much of what he lived through still exists, and coincidentally,  r/jokes still exists
He browses it, but instead of seeing jokes as he was used to,  he just saw random numbers , some of which got thousands of upvotes, and some which didn't get any.
He asked the moderators what these numbers mean; they replied 'oh, we've heard all the jokes before,  so now we just refer to them by their number'.
Just before he went to sleep he tests out his luck,  he makes a post with the number '472168422732'. He then goes to sleep.
He wakes up completely shocked when he sees that his post got 10 million upvotes. Upon asking why, he reads the comments which say "this is amazing!  I've never heard this one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91qrzy/a_man_travels_100_years_forward_in_time_long/
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A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks...

...
She asks angel: What are these for?
Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.
The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...
Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing that she never told lie.
The woman asks: Where are the clocks of Married men?
The angel replies: Those are in our office, We use them as 'OFFICE FANS'
She then asked, what about the Married women?
The angel replied,
'those are kept out... they are generating electricity...!!
*apologies of this has been posted before*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91qrrx/a_woman_dies_in_heaven_she_sees_a_large_wall_full/
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People will get really angry if you don't refer to their proper job title.

My son's hairdresser didn't like being called a child groomer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91qoxh/people_will_get_really_angry_if_you_dont_refer_to/
%
A bear walks into a bar

And asks the bartender,
"I'll have a...
...
Whisky"
The bartender says, "why the big paws"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91qomq/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
two elephants see a naked men for the first time ...

then one elephant says to the other: "I wonder how he gets the food in his mouth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91qnyu/two_elephants_see_a_naked_men_for_the_first_time/
%
Why do Marxist's prefer herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ql4x/why_do_marxists_prefer_herbal_tea/
%
One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:
"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91qfz0/one_guy_wrote_on_his_fb_status/
%
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naaaaa Ba-na-na-naaaaaaaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91qeph/what_is_beethovens_favorite_fruit/
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A good bar joke that always makes women laugh

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.
Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??
His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91qeeo/a_good_bar_joke_that_always_makes_women_laugh/
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A Scotsman walks into a cafe and has a look at the menu...

...it’s reads;
Ham Roll £1.00
Cheese Roll £1.50
Handjob £5.00
He then sees a beautiful young women who works there with big tits and a smoking body. He says ‘excuse me, are you the one that gives the handjobs?’
She says ‘yes it is’
The Scotsman says ‘well go and wash your hands, I want two rolls and cheese’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91q6z6/a_scotsman_walks_into_a_cafe_and_has_a_look_at/
%
I've never liked the guy who sang Take On Me...

He always seemed kind of sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91q6xh/ive_never_liked_the_guy_who_sang_take_on_me/
%
My dad just told me I was adopted

I’m packing my stuff right now, he told me they would be here in 2 hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91q6by/my_dad_just_told_me_i_was_adopted/
%
How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ears pierced?

A buccaneer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91q4kf/how_much_does_it_cost_for_a_pirate_to_get_their/
%
A burglar walks into an art show.

He says, "Give me all your Monet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91q1ni/a_burglar_walks_into_an_art_show/
%
I have a horse named mayo...

Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91pxle/i_have_a_horse_named_mayo/
%
How many babies does it take to paint a house red?

It depends how hard you throw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91pxj3/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_house_red/
%
I'm trying to give up Viagra and improve my double entendres.....

But it's not easy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91pvt2/im_trying_to_give_up_viagra_and_improve_my_double/
%
My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea.

She only found out when she opened her suitcase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91pqrt/my_motherinlaw_once_went_on_holiday_with_a/
%
I just can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD

It was here a minute ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ph2o/i_just_cant_find_my_gone_in_60_seconds_dvd/
%
My wife keeps telling me I need anger management

My psychiatrist keeps telling me I don’t have a wife and I need stronger medication for my hallucinations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91pgqu/my_wife_keeps_telling_me_i_need_anger_management/
%
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91pbxf/my_flatearther_friend_decided_to_walk_to_the_end/
%
I once dated a twin

Years ago I dated a twin.
My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'
I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a dick'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91paon/i_once_dated_a_twin/
%
If you know a fat person, leave them alone

They've already got a lot on their plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91p7ry/if_you_know_a_fat_person_leave_them_alone/
%
Why did Slovakia move to digital banking?

because they ran out of Czechs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91p5lj/why_did_slovakia_move_to_digital_banking/
%
After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91p4og/after_a_fatal_river_rise_what_did_the_commander/
%
I want to become a flat earther.

But I heard that there is a learning curve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91p2j9/i_want_to_become_a_flat_earther/
%
***Breaking News*** UPS and FedEx set to merge this Friday!

...They're going to call it: FedUp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91p0wl/breaking_news_ups_and_fedex_set_to_merge_this/
%
A homeless man's sign read: "One day this could be you!"

So, I put my dollar back in my pocket - just incase he was right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ozev/a_homeless_mans_sign_read_one_day_this_could_be/
%
Why is it always better to hire three electricians instead of just one?

Because many hands make light work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ovrj/why_is_it_always_better_to_hire_three/
%
At the court

Lawyer: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--
Witness: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91osq3/at_the_court/
%
Nice guys, like the ones seen on r/niceguys, don't finish last.

Actually, they finish in the shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ols1/nice_guys_like_the_ones_seen_on_rniceguys_dont/
%
There are 27 bones in the human hand.

28 if I’m lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ok02/there_are_27_bones_in_the_human_hand/
%
Why did eighteen blonde women go to the movie theater?

It said under 17 not permitted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91oiha/why_did_eighteen_blonde_women_go_to_the_movie/
%
What’s the chances of winning the Mexican lottery?

Juan in a million.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91oi8x/whats_the_chances_of_winning_the_mexican_lottery/
%
A man was complaining about the lack of anal sex from his wife

so he went to a very old herbalist to help him resolve his issue, the herbalist said: " oh my dear boy your issue is marvelously challenging , but I will guide you; first , go to the east where you find an ancient forest, there you shall find an ancient neem tree that have a foul odor, pick up it's leaves; then, go up to the coldest place on this earth, there you will find an ice tree, pick up it's leaves; finally go to the hottest place on this earth, there you will find a ferocious beast, kill it and take a sample of his hair." then he said: " soak the leaves for 7 days, then add hair from the beast and let them soak for 7 days, put the potion in a bottle , put it on your wife's side, and whenever you want to have it, just tell her to bring the bottle for you , when she turns around to pick it up, fuck her in the ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91oi5h/a_man_was_complaining_about_the_lack_of_anal_sex/
%
One time I took Viagra and Exlax

I couldn't tell if I was coming or going

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91oenl/one_time_i_took_viagra_and_exlax/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91odzm/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
Why can't a cycle stand on its own?

Because it's two tyred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91oa8q/why_cant_a_cycle_stand_on_its_own/
%
What do you call a baseball that hasn’t been washed in over a year?

A foul ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91oa7k/what_do_you_call_a_baseball_that_hasnt_been/
%
I'm so cool, I have sex daily.

I mean dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91o7n6/im_so_cool_i_have_sex_daily/
%
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
"Ok, Ok. I was at a friends house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?."
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91o5zq/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
%
“Doctor, my husband was just admitted to this hospital with severe butt spasms. Where is he now?”

Doctor: ICU baby, shaking that ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91o3cy/doctor_my_husband_was_just_admitted_to_this/
%
What do you do when you see a spaceman ?

You park your car, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91o0kt/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_spaceman/
%
A man is walking on the interstate

He stops a car and says to the driver,
"Hi, terrorists have kidnapped our beloved president Mr. Trump. They're demanding we pay them 50 million dollars, or else they'll pour gasoline on him and burn him alive. Can you please give something."
The driver thinks for a while and anwsers,
"I can spare 5... no, 6 gallons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91nyvb/a_man_is_walking_on_the_interstate/
%
Why do asian women have small boobs?

Because only A is acceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91nukm/why_do_asian_women_have_small_boobs/
%
I recently left my job after I came into a large sum of money.

Or as the bank tells it, I was fired for ejaculating in the safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91nujj/i_recently_left_my_job_after_i_came_into_a_large/
%
Why do North Korean navy boats have glass bottoms

So they can see their Air Force

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ntgi/why_do_north_korean_navy_boats_have_glass_bottoms/
%
Three women are about to be executed for crimes...

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the  executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91nsl6/three_women_are_about_to_be_executed_for_crimes/
%
A man and a women are in Hawaii on their honeymoon

They start arguing over the pronunciation of "Hawaii".
The man says it is pronounced "Hawaii" while the woman firmly believes it is pronounced "Havaii".
The woman is sick of this silly argument interfering with their vacation so she asks a local how it is pronounced and he says "Havaii".
The woman was elated to hear that she was correct and thanks the local for his help.
He responds, "You're Velcome".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91nsdr/a_man_and_a_women_are_in_hawaii_on_their_honeymoon/
%
The only thing Flat-Earthers fear

Is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91nmyb/the_only_thing_flatearthers_fear/
%
I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91nkyu/i_never_thought_id_be_shoplifting_from_a_kitchen/
%
What do Mexicans cut their pizza with?

With little Cesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91nkq7/what_do_mexicans_cut_their_pizza_with/
%
My sister recently had a transplant...

... but then she traded it in for a bicurious fern.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91nkmm/my_sister_recently_had_a_transplant/
%
Where do baby dinosaurs come from?

Tyrannosaurus Sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91nkeb/where_do_baby_dinosaurs_come_from/
%
A Mexican dock worker is loading a ship...

A Mexican dock worker is loading a boat with a shipment of French cuisine, when his boss happens to walk by. The boss asks, "hey, what's that you're loading over there?"
The dock worker replies, "Es cargo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91nh3a/a_mexican_dock_worker_is_loading_a_ship/
%
My mom was checking out some glossy brochures to travel to a place she’s never been where she’d be waited on hand and foot 24/7 with all inclusive dining and entertainment

I agreed and put her in a nursing home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ndej/my_mom_was_checking_out_some_glossy_brochures_to/
%
What did the epileptic order at the restaurant?

A seizure salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91nc8j/what_did_the_epileptic_order_at_the_restaurant/
%
Why did the condom fly across the room?

It got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91n6yd/why_did_the_condom_fly_across_the_room/
%
Why do special Ed classes always start late

Because everyone is a little tardy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91n6uh/why_do_special_ed_classes_always_start_late/
%
My girlfriend slapped me really hard because I ejaculated prematurely...

She says I got off easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91myab/my_girlfriend_slapped_me_really_hard_because_i/
%
What is the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer testicles- they're under a buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91moza/what_is_the_cheapest_meat_you_can_buy/
%
Four college students have been out partying for a night before an exam.

The next morning, they wake up and realize they're late, so as they make their way to the exam, they come up with excuses to make for the professor.
By the time they arrive the exam is almost over, so they head over to the professor to ask if they can take it the next day. They tell him they tried their best to come on time, but their tire blew out and it took too long to replace it.
The professor tells them, "Don't worry about it. You can take it today and, since there's almost no time left, you only have to answer one question. If you get it right, I'll give you an A on the test. One thing, though- you all have to be in separate rooms." The students, thinking this is even better than they thought, excitedly go to their rooms, take their seats and look at the question:
Which tire blew out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91mmkk/four_college_students_have_been_out_partying_for/
%
John and Peter talk about what's better

Peter: If it were to happen, would you want to have Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?
John: Parkinson's, of course.
Peter: Why is that?
John: I'd rather spill some wiskey than forget where I put the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91mfnr/john_and_peter_talk_about_whats_better/
%
I went into a pub in Stratford and said in my best Shakespearean voice,

"A flagon of your finest ale please, Falstaff. "
They threw me out. Told me I was bard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91mfax/i_went_into_a_pub_in_stratford_and_said_in_my/
%
A husband and wife see two people kissing.

The wife says, “He kisses her every time she comes home from work. Why can’t you do that?”
The husband says, “I would love to, but I don’t know her well enough.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91mcd1/a_husband_and_wife_see_two_people_kissing/
%
I went to the doctors office the other day.

When I was there I said to him:”Hey doc, whatsup! Nice small but dark room you got here!”
He started yelling at me:”Get the fuck out, I’m taking a shit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91m9le/i_went_to_the_doctors_office_the_other_day/
%
A guy dies and is sent to hell.

Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says OK and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91m40n/a_guy_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
%
I found this joke pretty funny:

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, it’s up to the bulb to decide whether it wants to change or not.
(This joke was found via a YouTube comment section.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91m3gt/i_found_this_joke_pretty_funny/
%
A man walks into a bar after a hard day of work...

He sits down at the bar and orders a drink.  The bartender asks the man if he'd like a little live music.  The man says "sure".  The bartender snaps his fingers, and out of a little door at the end of the bar comes a little man in a tuxedo who only stands about a foot high.  The little man walks over to an equally little piano and starts playing the most beautiful music he'd ever hear.  After a few songs the little man closes the piano and exits through the door.  The man at the bar, mouth agape, asks "Where did you get that?"  The bartender says, "I wished for him".  "What do you mean, you WISHED for him?"  The bartender reaches under the counter and pulls out a magic lamp.  "Just give the lamp a rub and you'll have a wish granted by the genie who lives within.  The man grabs the lamp and proceeds to polish it with his shirt.  POOF, in a cloud of pink and purple smoke a genie appears.  "What wish may I grant you?" says the genie.  "Well...uh..." the man stammers, "how about a million bucks?"  "As you wish", says the genie and POOF, wall to wall and neck deep the entire bar is filled with quacking ducks.  The man exclaims, "What's this?  I didn't ask for a million ducks!"  "Yeah", says the bartender, "and I didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91m32b/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_after_a_hard_day_of_work/
%
My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91lvhx/my_dad_asked_me_the_other_day_are_you_even/
%
No leader or government should establish communism in their country...

...after all, in history, there have been so many red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91lv7x/no_leader_or_government_should_establish/
%
Who can beat Captain America

Captain Vietnam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91lufy/who_can_beat_captain_america/
%
A penguin is driving and gets a flat tire.

He pulls over to the nearest gas station and speaks to the mechanic. “About how long to get this repaired?” says the penguin. “Should only be about 30 mins” he replies.
It is pretty hot outside, so the penguin decides to walk and get some ice cream. Thirty or so minutes later, the penguin is walking back to station while licking his vanilla ice cream. Naturally, penguins aren’t the cleanest eaters so some vanilla ice cream gets around his mouth and face.
When the penguin arrives, the mechanic greets him and says, “It looks like you blew a seal!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91lsf8/a_penguin_is_driving_and_gets_a_flat_tire/
%
How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero. Because all they'll do is argue about which lightbulb to use and it never gets changed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91lq2g/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
The pope goes to new york and gets picked up at the airport by a limo.

He looks at the car and says to the driver "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"
The driver is a bit hesitant, but thinks "well I can't really say no to the pope"
So the pope takes the wheel and he starts speeding like a mad man! He stamps on the accelerator and goes around 100 mph before a policeman notices and pulls him over.
The officer walks over and asks the officer to wind the window down. He is a bit shocked when he sees the pope so he asks him to just wait a minute.
He goes back to his car and calls the chief:
"Chief... We have a problem"
"What sort of problem?"
"Well, you see I pulled over a car for driving way over the speed limit, but it seems to be someone really important."
"Important like, the mayor?"
"No no.. much more important than that."
"Important like.. the governor?"
"Way more important than that"
"Like the president?"
"Much more important."
"Are you kidding me? Who could be more important than the president?"
"I don't know, but he's got the pope driving for him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91lptt/the_pope_goes_to_new_york_and_gets_picked_up_at/
%
What did the old man do about his constipation?

Nothing, he just stopped giving a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91lmmf/what_did_the_old_man_do_about_his_constipation/
%
America is like a Christian

They think heaven is above them and hell is below them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91lm3c/america_is_like_a_christian/
%
So a sailor is submitted into the hospital

... with two broken arms. You know, a really tough guy, big muscles, lots of body hair and tattoos, a true seaman.
So the two nurses that have to wash him since his arms are broken meet in the halls and one says to the other:
"hey that sailor has a very funny tattoo on his willy, right? *Hoglyfobflee*, I mean what is that even supposed to mean?"
"No", says the other, "it said *honor and glory for the baltic fleet*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91lk63/so_a_sailor_is_submitted_into_the_hospital/
%
Light a man a fire and you keep him warm for a night.

Set a man on fire and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91lfcx/light_a_man_a_fire_and_you_keep_him_warm_for_a/
%
Is the KKK really that racist?

I went to one of their meetings and there were tons of black people hanging around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ldki/is_the_kkk_really_that_racist/
%
I’m normally not one to brag about my financial skills

But my credit card company calls me almost everyday to inform me my balance is outstanding!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91lals/im_normally_not_one_to_brag_about_my_financial/
%
Confucius say...

Man who goes to bed with stiff problem wakes up with solution in hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91l4ym/confucius_say/
%
I wouldn't consider myself a fan of steampunk.

But I will say this, it is undoubtedly the healthiest way to prepare punk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91l3n7/i_wouldnt_consider_myself_a_fan_of_steampunk/
%
Terrible accident

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91l3mn/terrible_accident/
%
Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91l1tf/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm.

The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91l1d8/a_fire_started_on_some_grasslands_near_a_farm/
%
Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."
Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ky4x/mr_jones_is_driving_past_the_state_mental/
%
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me.

Looks like I'll have to drop the bomb twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91kx6i/i_broke_up_with_my_japanese_girlfriend_but_she/
%
"How did you figure out your wife had died?" asked the friend.

"Well, the sex was the same, but the dishes were piling up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91kpqf/how_did_you_figure_out_your_wife_had_died_asked/
%
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?

You can't see in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91kogi/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
%
I just had a really good premonition about 2020

It was a perfect vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91kj5j/i_just_had_a_really_good_premonition_about_2020/
%
Why do stuttering girls give the best head?

They just can't spit it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91kio2/why_do_stuttering_girls_give_the_best_head/
%
Did you hear about the two radio antennae that got married?

I went to the wedding, it was terrible...
...but the reception was great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91kee8/did_you_hear_about_the_two_radio_antennae_that/
%
Three redditors link up for the weekend and hit a brothel outa town.

They walk into the venue and take a seat. The Madame greets them and rings a bell... Out come three scantily clad girls.
"You should know", says the Madame, "to give the client a 'real experience', we don't use condoms here".
The redditors look at each other for a second, then nod and agree to carry on.
"You should know", continues the Madame, "as a consequence, all of our girls have many children".
The redditors give each other an uncertain look, before the Madame continues...
"You should know, you might want to avoid anal. The girls are all suffering from a bad ass infection at the moment."
Two of the redditors watch in horror as one guy gets up and disappears into a room with all three girls!
"What the hell is he doing?" asks one of the redditors.
"Well..." shrugs the other one, "he is OP... username checks out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ke1r/three_redditors_link_up_for_the_weekend_and_hit_a/
%
Some people...

really shouldn’t let an extra chromosome get them down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91kdm0/some_people/
%
A philosopher was walking around the neighborhood late at night.....

......a police officer came up to him and said "Who are you? What are you doing here?"
The philosopher responded, "Yes! Those are the questions!" And walked away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91kcxf/a_philosopher_was_walking_around_the_neighborhood/
%
Did you hear about the man with a stutter who went to the shop for a mars bar?

He came back with 50 packs of m and m's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91kbed/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_a_stutter_who/
%
What is the last step of quality control at the Tickle-me-Elmo factory?

The test-tickles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91k2w3/what_is_the_last_step_of_quality_control_at_the/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91k1l2/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
10 years ago today I lost 120 pounds...

Sure don't miss her!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91k0pa/10_years_ago_today_i_lost_120_pounds/
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A young boy enters a barber shop.....

and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91jw3l/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
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First time bungee jumping...

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: Don't lick my lips again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91joow/first_time_bungee_jumping/
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Dating a UPS employee is great

They really know how to handle your package

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91jn1o/dating_a_ups_employee_is_great/
%
Cell biologists are classy as hell.

They are men of cultures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91jgj7/cell_biologists_are_classy_as_hell/
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An elderly couple with Alzheimer's go to their doctor

After the evaluation, the doctor says, "there's no pill or procedure that I can give you two to help with your memory, you're just going to have to write your thoughts down so you don't forget later." They agree and thank the doctor.
One night, while sitting on the couch together, the wife asks her husband to go to the kitchen and get her a bowl of chocolate ice cream from the freezer. He starts to get up and she says "make sure to write it down so you won't forget honey"
"Are you kidding me? I won't forget a bowl of chocolate ice cream"
He starts to walk into the kitchen until she stops him; "Wait I want chocolate syrup on mine! Make sure you write it down!"
"I won't forget a bowl of chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup on it!"
Again starts walking, "wait I want nuts on mine!"
"I won't forget a bowl of chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup and nuts on it!"
He finally walks into the kitchen. He comes back 10 minutes later with a big plate of bacon and eggs. His wife looks at him disgusted and yells at him:
"YOU IDIOT! You forgot the toast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91jgi8/an_elderly_couple_with_alzheimers_go_to_their/
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What's it called when a substance goes directly from solid to gas?

Premature evaporation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91jgew/whats_it_called_when_a_substance_goes_directly/
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What language do Porsche drivers speak?

Porschuguese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ja2w/what_language_do_porsche_drivers_speak/
%
A passenger airliner just landed at Glasgow airport...

...and after coming to a halt, the Pilot does his customary speech, but forgets to switch the intercom off.
The Co-pilot asks the Pilot what he has got planned for the rest of the evening, and the Pilot replies, "First up I am going for a shite and then I am gonnae ride the arse off that new wee stewardess" , unaware every passenger has just heard him.
The wee stewardess is mortified and starts to run up to the cockpit to confront him, but trips and falls right before the cockpit door. A wee Glasgow women helps her up and says, "Take yer time love, he`s going fur a shite first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91j9pa/a_passenger_airliner_just_landed_at_glasgow/
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What dinosaur is known by many names

A Thesaurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91j9kc/what_dinosaur_is_known_by_many_names/
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Why do you have to dress so nicely when riding a unicycle?

Because attire is the most important thing about a unicycle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91j7ie/why_do_you_have_to_dress_so_nicely_when_riding_a/
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Skinny irish man and a black guy in an elevator

Skinny little Irish man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Irish man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Irish man says: 'Turner Brown?! .... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91j60a/skinny_irish_man_and_a_black_guy_in_an_elevator/
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One of the kids I’m tutoring told me this joke today: What maths subject do fish study?

Algaebra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91izjb/one_of_the_kids_im_tutoring_told_me_this_joke/
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Today I gave a blind old woman my seat on the bus.

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91iy0f/today_i_gave_a_blind_old_woman_my_seat_on_the_bus/
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A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.
One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested.
She asks the dentist if he'd like to go out sometime.
"I'm flattered," he says, "but I don't date. My father warned me about women."
"What do you mean?" she asks.
"Well, women just want to seduce you and get you in bed. Then they bite your penis off with the teeth in their vagina!"
The woman laughs and assures the dentist that no such thing is true, but he doesn't believe her.
To prove her point, she hoists her skirt up, pulls back her panties, and shows him. "See? No teeth!"
"No wonder," the dentist says. "Look at the condition of those gums!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91iv5z/a_dentist_is_terrified_of_women/
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What country questions your ability to perform?

Ken ya? Ken ya?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91iuhi/what_country_questions_your_ability_to_perform/
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Don't run with bagpipes! You could poke an eye out.

Or even worse, get kilt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91iugk/dont_run_with_bagpipes_you_could_poke_an_eye_out/
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Burt and Mack are climbing Mount Everest.

Burt and Mack are climbing Mount Everest when suddenly Burt falls in to a crevasse 1000 ft. deep.
“Hey Burt! Are you alive?” shouts Mack from above.
“Yeah I am.”
“I’m going to drop down a rope, grab onto it and I’ll pull you out.”
“I can’t. My arms are broken.”
“Okay then wrap your legs around them.”
“I can’t. My legs are broken too.”
“Alright, then bite down real hard on the rope. I’ll pull you up.”
So Burt bites on the rope and Mack starts pulling.
1000 feet… 900 feet… 700 feet…. 500 feet…. 300 feet…
“You alright Burt?”
“Yeahhhhhhhh….hhhhhhh…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91itu0/burt_and_mack_are_climbing_mount_everest/
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What do you call a singing laptop?

A dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91isuq/what_do_you_call_a_singing_laptop/
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"Mommy, can we humans suck the light?"

"Of course not, silly!"
"Then why daddy told my babysitter yesterday: *"Turn the light off and suck it"*?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91isb5/mommy_can_we_humans_suck_the_light/
%
I almost hit a rabbit on my way home last night.

Missed him by a hare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91is74/i_almost_hit_a_rabbit_on_my_way_home_last_night/
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Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ilaf/have_you_ever_had_ethiopian_food/
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Tomato

Not sure if this translates well from my Albanian origins
So their was a farmer woman and she is tending her crops and notices her tomatoes are brown and rotten. She looks over to her neighbors and they were bright red and juicy.
So one day she sees her neighbor and asks him.
“Her what’s your secret? My tomatoes will never get like yours and I water them every day”
Farmer says “My secret is at night I water them naked and they get embarrassed and blush”
So she goes out at night and gets naked and waters the tomatoes.
2 weeks go by and the neighbor sees her and asks how her tomatoes are doing.
She responds “She responds “tomatoes are still brown and rotten but the cucumbers are long, hard, juicy and thick”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91iky2/tomato/
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What is a cannibal?

Someone who's fed up with people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ikod/what_is_a_cannibal/
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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91iko1/why_do_men_die_before_their_wives/
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Life without love is completely normal.

But love without life is necrophilia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ikav/life_without_love_is_completely_normal/
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Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their chili?

Because if they added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ijj6/why_do_the_irish_only_put_two_hundred_and_thirty/
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I once objected to a wedding, but it didn’t work

I still had to marry her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ihd0/i_once_objected_to_a_wedding_but_it_didnt_work/
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An old Jew is walking along, sees a lamp, picks it up and rubs it...

A genie pops out and says, "For freeing me I will grant you one wish."
The old Jew pulls out a map and points to it. "You see this area? This is called the Middle East. There's been nothing but death, destruction and bloodshed for thousands of years. Could you do something about that?"
The genie thinks a moment and replies, "Even with my great powers, I cannot do this. Is there something else I can do for you?"
"Well," says the man "my wife and I have been marries for over 35 years and she's never given me a blowjob. Do you think you could...you know... get her to do that for me?"
The genie pauses and says, " Lemme take another look at that map."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91igb4/an_old_jew_is_walking_along_sees_a_lamp_picks_it/
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Why are masterbaters so useful?

Because they always come in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91i3dp/why_are_masterbaters_so_useful/
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"Does this dress make my butt look big?"

\**no response as he's busy reading his newspaper\**
"I SAID, does this dress make my butt look big??"
"No" \**mumbling without looking up*\*
"You know, research has shown that women with large butts are smarter"
"Ok, einstein"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91i3ab/does_this_dress_make_my_butt_look_big/
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What do you call an octopus without any legs

An octopus cause they have tentacles not legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91i1ij/what_do_you_call_an_octopus_without_any_legs/
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"Son, you better start brushing your teeth...

Oral-B very angry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91i1dq/son_you_better_start_brushing_your_teeth/
%
My girlfriend was accusing me of cheating..

So I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91i0re/my_girlfriend_was_accusing_me_of_cheating/
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What kind of exercise did the ancient Romans do?

Pontius Pilates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hysi/what_kind_of_exercise_did_the_ancient_romans_do/
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Why did the political theory class think their teacher was being unfair?

He gave the whole class the same Marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hy2y/why_did_the_political_theory_class_think_their/
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What happens when lightning strikes an animal shelter?

Shock and Awwwww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hy0h/what_happens_when_lightning_strikes_an_animal/
%
I was reading a book on the History of Glue earlier.

I couldn't put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hvug/i_was_reading_a_book_on_the_history_of_glue/
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I like my sex like I like my meat

Rare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hvhl/i_like_my_sex_like_i_like_my_meat/
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How many puppies and babies does it take to paint a room?

All depends on the speed and angle of the throw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hvcv/how_many_puppies_and_babies_does_it_take_to_paint/
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What do you call a milk monster that wants to take over the universe?

Galactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hst1/what_do_you_call_a_milk_monster_that_wants_to/
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Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hsqv/women_are_the_only_creatures_to_defy_the_laws_of/
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How do you burn an entire country to the ground?

Keep putting water on a Greece fire.
&nbsp;
*Too soon?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hsg4/how_do_you_burn_an_entire_country_to_the_ground/
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A roman walks into a bar...

He holds up two fingers and says "five beers please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hs6n/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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A zen master visits New York City.

He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Excuse me, but where’s my change?" asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hoq9/a_zen_master_visits_new_york_city/
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A man who had a 25 inch long penis

went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my last hope!" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!!" But at 20 inches it was still too long, so he asked the frog again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hkyf/a_man_who_had_a_25_inch_long_penis/
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What do gay cholo gangsters and nerds have in common?

They love being in their homes and doing their essays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hk65/what_do_gay_cholo_gangsters_and_nerds_have_in/
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I'm not exactly sure why my friend likes dried grapes so much...

... but I'm sure he has his raisins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hj9j/im_not_exactly_sure_why_my_friend_likes_dried/
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So according to some people men think about sex 24/7

Well, today's the day so start thinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hik2/so_according_to_some_people_men_think_about_sex/
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A man comes to a circus and offers to do a show: a crocodile playing piano and a hippo singing.

The show has a tremendous success and earns a load of money for the circus, so the circus owner asks the man: “Tell me there’s a trick in your show; it can’t be that the crocodile plays piano and the hippo sings for real!”
The man answers: “You’ve got me here, of course it can’t be for real. In fact, the hippo just looks impressive opening and closing his mouth, while the crocodile does all the playing and the singing”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hhzg/a_man_comes_to_a_circus_and_offers_to_do_a_show_a/
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What's black, white, and red all over?

My neighbors dalmatian, damn thing jumped in front of the garbage truck this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hgib/whats_black_white_and_red_all_over/
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Trump in a conference

A reporter asked Trump, "What does the J stands for in Donald J Trump?"
Trump replied, "The J stands for Genius."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hezj/trump_in_a_conference/
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Blond in a chinese pet store

A blond goes inside a chinese pet store and finds a crowd of people watching an asian person starin at a fish
"Move left"
Said the asian, and the fish move left
"Move right"
Said the asian, and the fish moved right
"Jump"
And the fish jump over the fish tank
Amazed, everyone started clapping, including the blond, and with the show over, some left, some brought some stuff and some just brows a little. As for the blond, she went directly to the asian, who was also the owner, and asked
"How did you do it"
"Easy, supirior mind controls infirior mind"
The blond, amazed, decided to stare at the fish so see if she could control it, while the owner forogt about her and took care of his business
A few hours later, the pet owner was about to close down shop, and realised the blond was still staring at the fish. He warn her it was closing time but she didn't react at all, so he aproched her and was about to kick her out, but then he watched her face and saw that she was opening and closing her mouth.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hc1r/blond_in_a_chinese_pet_store/
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A Fly, Fish, Bear, Hunter, Mouse, and a Cat

Once upon a time there was a Fly buzzing over the edge of a river, and beneath the water there was a fish that saw the fly buzzing close to the water. The fish thought to himself "If that fly drops six inches I'll be able to swim up and eat it!"
Now on the shore of the river there was a bear, the bear sees the fly, and sees the fish and the bear thinks to himself "If that fly drops six inches, that fish is gonna jump out of the water to catch it, and I'll be able to catch it to eat!"
Now not far from the river was a hunter at his camp, he sees the fly, the fish, and the bear through his binoculars and he thinks to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, that fish is gonna jump out of the water to catch it, that bear is gonna come out of the trees to get the fish and I'll be able to shoot it!"
Now in the grass of the Hunter's camp there was a mouse, the mouse see's the fly, the fish, the bear, and the hunter and he thinks to himself "If that fly drops six inches, that fish is gonna jump out of the water to catch it, that bear is gonna come out of the trees to get the fish, the hunter is gonna get up to to shoot the bear and I'll be able to get the Hunter's TrailMix to eat!"
Now the Hunter had brought his cat along, and the cat sees all of this. He sees the fly, fish, bear, the hunter, and the mouse and the cat thinks to himself "If that fly drops six inches, that fish is gonna jump out of the water to catch it, that bear is gonna come out of the trees to get the fish, the hunter is gonna get up to to shoot the bear, that mouse is gonna come out to steal the TrailMix and I'll be able to catch the mouse and eat!"
Well, sure enough the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps out of the water and catches the fly, the bear comes out of the woods and catches the fish, the hunter sets down his TrailMix and grabs his rifle and shoots the bear, the mouse comes out of hiding and goes for the TrailMix and the cat pounces for the mouse. The cat lands near the mouse, slips, and falls into the river.
The moral of this story is simple: Whenever a fly drops six inches a pussy is bound  to get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91hbt3/a_fly_fish_bear_hunter_mouse_and_a_cat/
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A grasshopper walks into a bar.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have one scotch thanks.”
The bartender, amazed says to the grasshopper: “You know we have a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper looks at the man confused.
“What, you have a drink named Kevin?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91h8b7/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
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A guy with Parkinson's, a sadist, and an epileptic were sitting in a bar

Then the sadist tells the guy with Parkinson's:
Can you turn on the light please, it's a little dark in here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91h6qc/a_guy_with_parkinsons_a_sadist_and_an_epileptic/
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I was on a safari in Africa when I saw two male lions having sex with each other in the open.

I thought to myself, “Have they got no pride?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91h4yo/i_was_on_a_safari_in_africa_when_i_saw_two_male/
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I lost my virginity at age 20.

I found it again after I got married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91h2pr/i_lost_my_virginity_at_age_20/
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A salesman was traveling across the country when...

...his car started making a funny sounds. He knew he needed to take it to a mechanic but knowing nothing about cars he was afraid of getting screwed.
So he came up with a plan. He stopped at the nearest gas station/shop and told the old mechanic "Now listen here bud, I'm a mechanic so I'll know if you're trying to screw me, normally I'd fix the car myself but I don't have my tools with me, so I just want it fixed for an honest price, no funny business."
The old mechanic put this ear to the hood and carefully listened. After a second he said "You only need thumb oil."
Flabbergasted, the man said "What kinda fool do you take me for? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and drove off in a huff.
The other mechanic came out of the shop "What was that guy's problem?"
The old mechanic said "He thaid he wanted honetht advithe, and I told him he jutht needed thumb oil!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91h05e/a_salesman_was_traveling_across_the_country_when/
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Doctor joke

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91gzj7/doctor_joke/
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Why are breakups so hard in China?

Because you see her face everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91gxug/why_are_breakups_so_hard_in_china/
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A grandfather and his grandchild leaf through the old family album and find a WW2-era photo

The grandchild asks who the uniformed people on the photo are and the grandfather solemnly says: “It’s the Nazis, kid. They were very, very bad men who murdered a great lot of innocent people, they made war and enslaved other people and they were against any freedom. Very, very bad men.”
The child listens and then says: “Look, grandpa, who’s that standing next to them, is it you? It’s you, grandpa! But what are you doing there? And why are you holding your arm up and out like that?..”
The grandfather answers: “Well, they were planning to do all those evil things here and I knew it wasn’t right, so I raised my hand and told them: “Hey, wait a minute!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91gvya/a_grandfather_and_his_grandchild_leaf_through_the/
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My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.

I asked her what she had in mind.
“Doctor and patient roleplaying” she said. “I’ll be the doctor.”
“Sounds good to me!” I said.
So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: “Do you have an appointment?”
“Well, no...”
“Then please wait in the waiting room”
She was building up tension.
I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91gvdy/my_wife_suggested_to_spice_things_up_with/
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Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91gpc1/back_in_the_dos_days_i_wrote_a_single_file/
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They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed...

They didn't install the driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91go2a/they_finally_figured_out_why_the_computerized/
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Hands shaking, voice trembling, I faintly rasped, "Mom, I'm in the hospital, but don't worry, I'm fine."

After a silence that seemed to go on forever, she replied, "You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91gnte/hands_shaking_voice_trembling_i_faintly_rasped/
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I was walking around the city when i saw a man in a turban shaking his carpet on his balcony.

I shouted at him: "What's wrong, it isn't starting?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91gmbw/i_was_walking_around_the_city_when_i_saw_a_man_in/
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A psychiatrist is being shown around a mental hospital.

After being shown around the corridors he walks into a room with two patients, one hanging from the roof upside down, and the other in the middle of the room cutting a piece of wood with a saw.
Doctor: Umm... What is it your doing?
First patient: What do you mean, what am I doing... Im sawing this piece of wood... What are you stupid?
Doctor: Okay... sorry... Well what about your friend over there?
First patient: Oh him... Don't worry about him... Hes a few sandwiches short of a picnic.... he thinks he's a light bulb....
Doctor: He's your friend... Why don't you get him down?
First patient: What, and work in the dark???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91gjvy/a_psychiatrist_is_being_shown_around_a_mental/
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They say laughter is the best medicine

That’s why I laugh at people with AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91gi83/they_say_laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
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You know how they say drinking pineapple juice makes your cum taste better?

For me it just ruins the pineapple juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91gd6x/you_know_how_they_say_drinking_pineapple_juice/
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An Ancient Greek walks into a tailor shop with a pair of torn pants...

“Euripides?” says the tailor.
“Yep, Eumenides?” replies the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91gb9i/an_ancient_greek_walks_into_a_tailor_shop_with_a/
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Don’t listen to the sewer.

It’s full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ga2i/dont_listen_to_the_sewer/
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This is my step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91g6mb/this_is_my_step_ladder/
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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy...

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.
I was a complete mess.
I was broke and my body was ruined.
But fuck me, what a night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91g5jg/i_remember_when_i_first_started_using_drugs_i_was/
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I came home and discovered my wife had died in bed..

I thought I would hop on for one last go for old time’s sake. Just as I was about to pop the bitch opened her eyes and shouted “gotcha”.
&nbsp;
I mean seriously, some people are just fucking sick in the head!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91g4e2/i_came_home_and_discovered_my_wife_had_died_in_bed/
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Why do only 2 Mexicans cross the border at a time?

Because the sign says no trespassing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91g3s5/why_do_only_2_mexicans_cross_the_border_at_a_time/
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When my mother told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91g0i2/when_my_mother_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a/
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A man went to a hunting lodge

He walked up to the bar and sat down.
He looked around and admired all of the trophies and stuffed animals they had on display, he then looked at the bartender and said "I will bet you one beer that what ever animal you have in here, i can guess what animal it is , and what kind of weapon was used to kill it with, blindfolded!"
The bartender smiled and agreed to the challenge.
The man was blindfolded and the first animal was brought in.
The man touched the animal for a brief moment and said "deer shot with a hunting rifle"
And sure enough he was right and got  his beer.
When he had finished his beer he challenged the bartender again, and so Another stuffed animal was brought out.
This One took the man some time but he finally said "boar, killed with a crossbow!"
And again the man was right, and he got his beer.
This went on for the rest of the night, and the man was right every time.
So after getting atleast 15 beers, he decided it was time to go home and sleep it off.
He woke up the next morning on the coutch, with a massive blackeye, so he went and asked his wife if She knew what had happened, to which She replied.
"You got home damn late, and reeked of beer, and then you shoved your hand down my pants, and said skunk killed with a hatchet!"
Long time lurker, finally found the courage to post something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91fwl5/a_man_went_to_a_hunting_lodge/
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A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.

When police arrived at the scene, the  lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.
"You  lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer,  "You're so concerned about your stupid BMW that you didn't even notice your left arm has been ripped off".
Upon heaering this the lawyers eyes shoot wide open as he jolts his head towards the left shoulder, only to find that his arm was indeed completely missing.
"Oh my god!", replied the lawyer, "Where's my Rolex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ft81/a_lawyer_was_opening_the_door_of_his_bmw_when/
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Joyriding in a Lamborghini

[joyriding in a Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out
[pulls over and checks Wikipedia]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91fqfc/joyriding_in_a_lamborghini/
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My boss won't stop flirting with me, it's making me feel really uncomfortable.

Mainly because we're a family run business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91fo6w/my_boss_wont_stop_flirting_with_me_its_making_me/
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My friend promised to give me one of his old Microsoft Office licenses.

He gave me his Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91fl0y/my_friend_promised_to_give_me_one_of_his_old/
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A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son  turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby  dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby  planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So  the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats  have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The  boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.  You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91fk2d/a_mother_and_her_young_son_were_flying_southwest/
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An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast...

....when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.
An station attendent came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the man replied, "Very much."
"What'd he say?" asked the woman.
"He asked if I like the weather, and I told him 'yes'," replied her husband.
"Where are you-all headed," asked the attendant.
"Oh, we're going to Jacksonville," he repied.
"What'd he say?", asked the woman.
"He asked where we're going, and I told him to Jacksonville", the husband replied.
"Where are y'all from," inquired the attendant a few moments later.
"Oh, we're from Maine," the man replied.
"Ah, I was in Maine for two years while I was in the Air Force, replied the attendant. In fact, I dated a girl from Maine while I was there. It didn't last long though. I have to tell you, this girl was the worst lay of any girl I ever knew."
"What'd he say?" inquired the woman.
"He said he thinks he knows you," replied her husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91fjrt/an_elderly_retired_couple_were_driving_down_the/
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R. Kelly has made a song denying any sexual misconduct charges that lasts 19 minutes.

Which is unusual because he usually insists on 18 or under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91fh16/r_kelly_has_made_a_song_denying_any_sexual/
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A dying billionaire called in his doctor, lawyer, and priest for a talk.

"For all your years of friendship and faithful service I've left each of you a generous gift in my will, but I want each of you to do one last thing for me. Here is one million dollars cash for each of you. I want you to slip it into my coffin before I'm buried. I want to see if everyone is wrong and I **can** take it with me."
He dies soon after, and as the three are walking away from the grave site the priest mutters, "okay, my conscience is bothering me. I have to confess: I thought of all the good that money could do in our community; it seemed a shame to waste it. I donated half of it to a charity that provides for the poor. I only put half in the coffin."
The doctor sighed, "I should confess too. I thought of how badly my hospital needs money for cancer research. I donated two thirds of it anonymously to our charity fund. I only put a third in the coffin."
The lawyer, disgusted, let into the two, "Gentlemen, you made a solemn promise on our friend's deathbed, and **this** is how you honor his final wishes? I'm ashamed, **appalled**, at your behavior! I for one put in a check for the full amount!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91febz/a_dying_billionaire_called_in_his_doctor_lawyer/
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Why did the square breakup with the circle?

She wasn't edgy enough!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91fe3b/why_did_the_square_breakup_with_the_circle/
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Three blondes are lost in a forest.

When they reach to a giant lake. It is to big to go around it, so they want to go straight trough it. And than, a good fairy appears. She says that she will give one wish to each of the blondes. First one wishes for a boat. With the boat, she gets to the middle of the lake, and there is a tiny vortex who sucks her in. The second blonde wishes for a submarine. With it, she gets all to the middle, but than the vortex sucks her. And the third blonde wishes to be brunette. After she is changed, the brunette says: “Oh, look, a bridge.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91fdtj/three_blondes_are_lost_in_a_forest/
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How do trees go on the internet?

They log in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91fajl/how_do_trees_go_on_the_internet/
%
a dyslexic customer walks into a bra

"how much for a beer?"
The bratender replies "$1".
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bratender
"Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bratender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bratender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused then asks
"What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bratender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91f9mp/a_dyslexic_customer_walks_into_a_bra/
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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91f6al/what_is_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
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I was out hunting and got lost with my dad...

We were wandering around the woods for hours with no sight of the road. The sun was starting to set so I say to my dad,
“I hear when you get lost, you are supposed to fire three shots in the air, and someone will come rescue you.”
He said that sounded like a great idea! So he set off three shots into the air and we start to wait.
About 45 minutes pass and no one comes for us. I tell my dad to fire three more shots into the air.  He does and This time we wait about an hour and a half. Still no one comes.
I tell my dad to try one last time but he says to me,
“I’m sorry son, I’m all out of arrows.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91f45m/i_was_out_hunting_and_got_lost_with_my_dad/
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The Butcher Dance

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"
"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"
"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave car, coz much to rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult, very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head north-west for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village.Here you see Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night. He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits
are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters but they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and and give them fresh water and they begin to feel like new men. Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not 'til next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year." The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home. The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it.
However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey to the rock and then the village enormously. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief "What's he doing?"
"Hush" whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dreamworld watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he removes himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91f3hk/the_butcher_dance/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

I’ve never had coffee but it smells really nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91emzn/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Why do they name cyclones after women?

Because when they come they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car with them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91eiqj/why_do_they_name_cyclones_after_women/
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What do you call a black dinosaur?

Tyronosaurus Rex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91eib1/what_do_you_call_a_black_dinosaur/
%
A guy and his girlfriend are watching Dr. Phil...

Dr. Phil says to the audience, "Sometimes you say things that heal, and sometimes you say things that hurt. And sometimes you can say things that make somebody happy and sad at the same time..."
The boyfriend scoffs. "What a bunch of bullshit! You can't say one thing to me that will make me happy and sad at the same time!"
The girlfriend is quiet for a moment, then she tells him, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ecgr/a_guy_and_his_girlfriend_are_watching_dr_phil/
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A guy with a gun enters a bar.

“Who the fuck had sex with my wife?" He snarled
A voice was heard from the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ecen/a_guy_with_a_gun_enters_a_bar/
%
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91e8ig/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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One Sunday morning an old ragged cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin.

Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged.
In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and a equally worn out Bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor: “Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship.”
The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
But the next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots and hat.
Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, “I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church.”
“I did,” replied the old cowboy.
“If you spoke to God, what did he tell you proper attire should be for worshiping in here?” asked the preacher.
“Well, sir, God told me that He didn’t have a clue what I should wear. He said He’d never been in here before.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91e80o/one_sunday_morning_an_old_ragged_cowboy_entered_a/
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What do you call an Egyptian Pharaoh who rarely farts?

Toot-uncommon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91e6j3/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_pharaoh_who_rarely/
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If you ever think sex in a car is difficult,

Imagine how clowns feel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91e5ti/if_you_ever_think_sex_in_a_car_is_difficult/
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Pooping is depressing...

You just sit there til you feel empty inside...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91e5qz/pooping_is_depressing/
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Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans! (genes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91e20r/did_you_know_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four, it’d be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91dx6z/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_two_doors/
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A friend showed me a photo of his wife.

“Isn’t she stunning?” He said.
“You should see my wife,” I replied.
“What, is she stunning, too?” He asked.
I said: “No, she’s an optometrist.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91dwkh/a_friend_showed_me_a_photo_of_his_wife/
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A bear walks into a bar.

He sits down, and motions over the bartender.
Bartender says “hey, man, what’ll ya have?”
Bear says “I would like a....................beer.”
“Sure.  But why the long pause?”
“I don’t know, I’ve had them since I was a cub.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91dw0l/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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I ran into my ex yesterday

The car was totaled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91duu5/i_ran_into_my_ex_yesterday/
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What do you get when you cross a cop and a skunk?

Law and odor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91dq27/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cop_and_a_skunk/
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The hot couple next door have recently made a sex tape.

Obviously they don't know that yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91dlvv/the_hot_couple_next_door_have_recently_made_a_sex/
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What do you call a rainbow without any colors?

A plainbow.
Credit to my 6 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91dkkz/what_do_you_call_a_rainbow_without_any_colors/
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The winner of the Kentucky Derby has been invited to the White House.

The stallion declined, stating: "If I wanted to look at a horse's ass, I would've come in second".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91dk0m/the_winner_of_the_kentucky_derby_has_been_invited/
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Why is everyone in North Korea illiterate?

Because there can only be one Supreme Reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91di9e/why_is_everyone_in_north_korea_illiterate/
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Our lives are so busy that my girlfriend and I have started scheduling sex.

Of course, I came early and she's late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91dh2k/our_lives_are_so_busy_that_my_girlfriend_and_i/
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One day a man runs out of gas the the highway.

He walks around for a while and sees a man walking around and examining sign posts. He stops and asks him what he's doing. The man goes
"I'm just scoping out sign posts, y'know, reporting the ones that need to be removed." The man who ran out of gas figured that it made sense, but had a few questions.
"Ok but who are you reporting them to? And why do they need to be removed?" The guy working says
"We reports the to the 'Merican Association of Working to Destroy Signs, or as we like to call them, MAWDS. And there's a good reason as to remove them, the locals in this town are from a different ethnic group, so they speak a different language. Unfortunately their language is constantly evolving, and the signs here are outdated." The man is very intrigued, and asks him how they are outdated. The worker says "50 years ago the commands for "one way" "yeild" and "stop" we're Fee Nee and Ree. Over the years the pronounciation of the words has changed and so has the spelling as a result making the Fae Nae and Rae." The Man goes "Okay, but on your checklist your only reporting the signs that say Fee, and Nee, whats up with that?" The worker looks at him and says,
"The MAWDS don't remove Ree posts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91df65/one_day_a_man_runs_out_of_gas_the_the_highway/
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It’s funny how we all sleep differently, isn’t it?

Well, I mean, I sleep on my side, my friend sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody... That sort of thing..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91db07/its_funny_how_we_all_sleep_differently_isnt_it/
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I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship.

We had a real row v. wade debate that day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91d9mc/i_was_in_the_middle_of_a_lake_in_a_canoe_with_my/
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A man in his forties goes to his doctor.

A man in his forties goes to his doctor for a checkup. The doctor goes over his physical and blood work and says "Well Mr. Smith, everything looks great! You are in excellent shape and health for a man ten years younger! Do you have anything going on that might be concerning you?". Mr. Smith replies "Well Doc, I'm actually pretty worried I might be addicted to sex."  "Really?"  the doctor asks. "What makes you think that?" "Well Doc... I have sex with my wife THREE times a week!" The doctor laughs and says "Mr. Smith, that's a  completely normal number for any married man!" "No Doc, you don't understand.... I also have sex with my mistress three times a week."  The Doctor looks disapprovingly for a moment and replies "Well Mr. Smith, it really isn't my place to judge you for having a mistress, but having sex 6 times a week still doesn't make you a sex addict". "No Doc, you still don't understand.... I also have sex with my girlfriend three times a week..." The Doctor takes a step back, dumbfounded. "So, you mean to tell me that you have sex with your WIFE three times a week, your MISTRESS three times a week, and your GIRLFRIEND three times a week?! Jesus Mr. Smith, you have to get ahold of yourself!"  "I DO DOC! THREE TIMES A WEEK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91d9jh/a_man_in_his_forties_goes_to_his_doctor/
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What happens when a triangle breaks the law?

They go to prism!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91d2fp/what_happens_when_a_triangle_breaks_the_law/
%
Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding contest

When he gets there, he realizes he seriously misunderstood the nature of the contest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91d2ae/frankenstein_enters_a_bodybuilding_contest/
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Penis Insurance?

A guy trying to be too smart, asked an insurance agent : “Do you do Penis Insurance ?”
Agent : “Yes , sir , we do Penis Insurance” .
Man : “You replace with a new one ?”
Agent : “No  sir .
Once it stops working we provide free service to your wife for the rest of your Life”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91cznq/penis_insurance/
%
Tim is driving to work when a man wearing yellow suddenly flags him down

He slows down, puzzled.
"Just who are you supposed to be?"
The man replies: "I'm a yellow cunt and I'll be on my way if you just give me some food!"
Tim is confused, but being a generally good-natured man, he gives the sandwich he was going to have for lunch, and the man skips away.
He resumes driving, but not even a mile later, he's flagged down by a man dressed in red.
A little annoyed, Tim asks: "Alright, and what's this about?"
"I'm a red cunt, and I'll be on my way if you just give me something to drink!" So Tim gives the man the soda from his lunch.
He starts to drive again, a little faster this time, but is almost immediately flagged down by a man dressed in blue.
Tim is annoyed, so when the man walks up to him, he goes: "Alright, I get it, you're a blue cunt. What do you want?"
There is a moment's stony silence, and then the man responds: "Your license and registration."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91cxr8/tim_is_driving_to_work_when_a_man_wearing_yellow/
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Yo mamma so fat when she's pregnant she doesn't need an ultrasound

She needs a seismograph

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91cuwj/yo_mamma_so_fat_when_shes_pregnant_she_doesnt/
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A chicken walks into a bar..

..and orders five flagons of mead. After the fourth alcoholic beverage, the bartender asks him..
&nbsp;
"Hey buddy why the long fac..oh wait not a horse lol."
&nbsp;
The chicken gulps down his fifth drink and laments.
&nbsp;
"You see, that otter living down by the river beside my place is driving me otter-ly mad! All he does is get stone and crack some otter-ly terrible puns! I've decided, I uhh..otter kill him tonight for my sanity so I'm drinking buckets so I don't uhh..chicken out!"
&nbsp;
"Buddy you otter know that the hypocrisy is not lost on me. Anyway. I know a guy who could help you with that."
&nbsp;
"Who?"
&nbsp;
"There's this apothecary nearby who specialises in poisons that cause violent and humiliating deaths in otters. Would you like to know more?"
&nbsp;
"Whoa."
&nbsp;
"Legend has it that: Should an otter ingest but a single drop of this poison he will piss and shit himself, before burning his worldly possessions then renouncing his faith and blaspheming his family. After slitting the throat of his children and disemboweling himself, he will claw out his eyes, then castrate himself while walking down the street spraying blood from every orifice, before finally exploding and dying from blood loss. Oh and best of all he will livestream the whole thing for your viewing pleasure. It is known."
&nbsp;
"Sounds clucking awesome! Where do I find it?"
&nbsp;
The bartender gestures at a spot outside the bar.
&nbsp;
"Where else?"
&nbsp;
"Ah."
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
And so the chicken left the bar and crossed the road..to get to the otter-cide.
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91cphw/a_chicken_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Degree

I was waiting for a green light when I saw an elderly woman walking with a small child.
The excited young girl was walking slightly faster than the old lady, so the woman yelled, “Degree! Wait for me!”
Intrigued by such a unique name, I got out of the car and asked why she called the girl Degree.
She said, “Well, I sent her mother to college to get an education, and she came home with this instead.”
Credit to u/Princess_Kookie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91cpf6/degree/
%
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed!?!

Oh SHEET!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91cmkw/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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Bob is a guy who can never tell a lie....

He met this woman as he was picking up food for his wife after work....
They had instant chemistry, and the woman invited him to her car for a quickie.
He said, but what do I tel my wife if she asks? I don’t like to lie.
Just don’t tell her. Easy.
No I mean I can’t lie, he said.
What?
Ya, it’s just something about me. I can’t do it.
“How bout i tell you my name is your accountant.” When she asks where you were, you can use my “name.” She doesn’t have to know I’m what you were doing.
Ok, he said.
They went back to her car and fucked for a half hour. Then he went to his car with the food and drive home.
When Bob got home he was greeted by his lovely wife. She noticed he had a big bag of food and she was beaming.
“Was everything good at work hon? Anything exciting today”
Nahh not really. I just went to work, fucked Your Accountant and now I’m here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91cjvb/bob_is_a_guy_who_can_never_tell_a_lie/
%
What do you do when you see a spaceman?

You park man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91cfux/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_spaceman/
%
My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA...

The manager says “Welcome! Come in and make a seat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91ceto/my_kid_says_he_came_up_with_this_one_a_guy_goes/
%
My wife likes to talk dirty to me in bed.

She says things like "get off me you fat fuck" and "what the fuck are you doing?" At least I got lucky the other night when she told me to go fuck myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91c9wx/my_wife_likes_to_talk_dirty_to_me_in_bed/
%
At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.
At age 60, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91bygl/at_age_4_success_is_not_peeing_in_your_pants_at/
%
Having sex while camping is NOT for the faint of heart.

It’s fuckin’ in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91bwl6/having_sex_while_camping_is_not_for_the_faint_of/
%
I never thought I was gay...

I guess I just got sucked into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91bt3i/i_never_thought_i_was_gay/
%
"Do you know the difference between a Blowjob and a ham sandwich?"

"No why?"
"Perfect, let's go to lunch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91bm25/do_you_know_the_difference_between_a_blowjob_and/
%
A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn’t paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.
As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette  and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.
The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.
I wasn’t that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91bjpq/a_beautiful_black_woman_was_filling_her_car_with/
%
As a girl, I really enjoy having my hair short.

Because now the only thing I can let down is my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91bil8/as_a_girl_i_really_enjoy_having_my_hair_short/
%
Do you know why you never see hippopotamus hiding in trees?

Cuz they're reeeeeally fuckin good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91bagn/do_you_know_why_you_never_see_hippopotamus_hiding/
%
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91b8m9/my_grandfather_warned_people_that_the_titanic/
%
Did you hear about the young lady who was addicted to line dancing?

They put her in a two step program.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91b4a7/did_you_hear_about_the_young_lady_who_was/
%
Did you hear about the Welsh baseball referee who circles the world each day?

The sun never sets on the British umpire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91aqyk/did_you_hear_about_the_welsh_baseball_referee_who/
%
A man walks into a bar...

and orders nine shots of jaegermeister.
"Why are you ordering so many at once ?" asks the barman perplexed
"You see, I just had my first blowjob" says the man
"Well shit, congratulations, have a tenth one on me!" shouts happily the barman
"Thanks, but if nine doesn't get rid of the taste.. nothing will".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91aq56/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
"It's the little things in life that make you laugh"

I never understood that until I saw two midgets fighting in Wal-Mart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91apcq/its_the_little_things_in_life_that_make_you_laugh/
%
Told my friend his nose was runny

He said it’s not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91aovo/told_my_friend_his_nose_was_runny/
%
A Chinese calligraphy artist passed out after finishing the first brush...

People said that he had one nasty stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91aoi8/a_chinese_calligraphy_artist_passed_out_after/
%
Why do clowns make great porn stars?

They love a cream pie to the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91am3q/why_do_clowns_make_great_porn_stars/
%
It has been proven that people who talk to themselves are smarter.

At least, that's what I tell myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91alb4/it_has_been_proven_that_people_who_talk_to/
%
This Rich Woman Thought She Had The Perfect Husband. But Then He Said This.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a
cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker
and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to
listen.
MAN: "Hello!"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN:” Yes”
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $2,000: Is it OK If I buy it?"
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.“
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw
the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN   $90000
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just
talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $930,000
for It."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of
$900,000. They'll probably take it. if not, we can go the
extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too."
The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were
staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turned and asked, "Anyone know whose phone this
is?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91al3l/this_rich_woman_thought_she_had_the_perfect/
%
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.59 and deer nuts are under a buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91a8qn/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
Why didn't the viper viper nose?

Because the adder adder 'andkerchief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91a709/why_didnt_the_viper_viper_nose/
%
Dark humor is like clean water.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91a0lw/dark_humor_is_like_clean_water/
%
Why shouldn't you make fun of a midget with learning difficulties?

Because it's not big, and it's not clever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/919yc9/why_shouldnt_you_make_fun_of_a_midget_with/
%
It's a slow news day in a small West Virginia town

So the local reporter heads down to the only bar in town to see if he can't dredge up something to write about.
He plops down at the end of the bar next to Old Willy–the guy who's seen more, and knows more, than anyone around.
"Hey Willy," the reporter says amicably, "I'm trying to come up with a good story to write, but nothing's really going on recently.  No crime, no county fair, not even any award-winning high school students!  I'm thinking it'll have to be something retrospective.
Would you do me a favor, and tell me about the best day in your memory of this town?"
Old Willy ponders the request for a brief moment, then begins: "Well, there was that one time farmer Boone's daughter got lost.  Man, we got the whole town together lookin' fer her; every man and boy older'n 13 was out lookin' all day.  We looked over every hill, behind every rock, through every forest.  We finally found her, and man, when we did, we all fucked the *shit* outta that girl!  That was great."
Being a modern young man, the reporter is rightly horrified.  "Well, Willy, I certainly can't write about a gang rape!  How about you tell me about the *second* best day you can remember in this town?
Old Willy ponders the request for a brief moment, then begins: "Well, there was that one time farmer Boone's sheep got lost.  Man, we got the whole town together lookin' fer her; every man and boy older'n 13 was out lookin' all day.  We looked over every hill, behind every rock, through every forest.  We finally found her, and man, when we did, we all fucked the *shit* outta that sheep!  That was great."
Head in hands, frustrated and disgusted, the reporter clears his head and gathers himself.  "Alright Willy, this isn't working," he says.  "Let's try a new tack: what's the *worst* day you can remember?"
Old Willy ponders the request for a brief moment, sighs deeply, then begins: "Well, there was that one time I got lost..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/919y5b/its_a_slow_news_day_in_a_small_west_virginia_town/
%
Someone asks for a pen....

The nurse checks her front pocket,  pulls out a rectal thermometer and thinks to herself “some assholes got my pen”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/919x2v/someone_asks_for_a_pen/
%
My girlfriend's ass is like a peach.

Hairy and makes a horrible yoghurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/919vuk/my_girlfriends_ass_is_like_a_peach/
%
I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/919ulr/im_dating_an_english_teacher_who_keeps_correcting/
%
Courtesy of my son's joke book. What's invisible and smells of bananas?

Monkey farts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/919tvo/courtesy_of_my_sons_joke_book_whats_invisible_and/
%
Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/919p8l/kid_mom_am_i_ugly/
%
A man comes home after a long day, his wife then hits him in the back of the head with a frying pan

He clutches his head in pain asking her, “Honey why? Why did you do that?” She answers, “When I was doing your laundry I found a receipt in your pocket with a woman’s name on it.”  He responds, “That’s why you hit me? Honey Mary-Ann is a horse I bet on, that’s the receipt for my bet.” She accepts that and apologizes and they make up.
Next week the same thing happens, he comes home and is struck in the back of his head with a frying pan, the husband asks, “AGAIN? You hit me in the head with a frying pan again, why?!”
The wife looks at him and says, “Your horse called.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/919mfd/a_man_comes_home_after_a_long_day_his_wife_then/
%
An ant called me fat and stupid!

I'm not that hurt though. I know it was just a microagression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/919gmi/an_ant_called_me_fat_and_stupid/
%
Hey girl are you a cave in Thailand?

Cause I wanna leave some kids inside you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/919g6h/hey_girl_are_you_a_cave_in_thailand/
%
What do you call Mike Tyson on drugs?

Methed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/919ekm/what_do_you_call_mike_tyson_on_drugs/
%
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a banker when I grew up.

...but I lost interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9195fy/when_i_was_a_kid_i_wanted_to_be_a_banker_when_i/
%
What is another name for a significant other you meet online?

e-Bae

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/918y6t/what_is_another_name_for_a_significant_other_you/
%
What do female Jedi do when their breasts are lopsided?

Padawan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/918v4f/what_do_female_jedi_do_when_their_breasts_are/
%
Critics are comparing Aquaman to Black Panther

At first glance, the movies do appear similar. They both feature ancient sci-fi utopias hidden from the rest of the world. In each movie, theres a fight for the throne in order to stop a war. However, they are ignoring one major difference: the characters in Aquaman can swim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/918th7/critics_are_comparing_aquaman_to_black_panther/
%
A pirate goes to a doctor...

worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them. "It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/918m1p/a_pirate_goes_to_a_doctor/
%
Grandpa's tale

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My eight-
year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.  As we bowed
our heads he said,
"God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would
thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.
And liberty and justice for all!   Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard
a woman remark,   "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids
today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream!
Why I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I
do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God
was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached
the table.
He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God
thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my grandson asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman
whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never
asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for
the soul."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the
meal.  My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then
he did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and
placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her:
"Here, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. Shove it up your ass!"
Kind of brings tears to your eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/918dxy/grandpas_tale/
%
how did the hipster burn his tongue?

he drank coffee before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/918cvx/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
My dad taught me that there are two rules for success:

1) Don't tell all you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/918bsx/my_dad_taught_me_that_there_are_two_rules_for/
%
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can...
Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9188eh/why_does_the_norway_navy_have_barcodes_on_the/
%
Once I ate a whole banana, skin and all.

I found it quite unappeeling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9183cn/once_i_ate_a_whole_banana_skin_and_all/
%
Bill and Steve walk out of a bar after having a few drinks together...

Around the corner, a masked man steps from an alley and points a gun at them. "Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!"
Bill says, "Hold on! Just gimmie 10 seconds!" He turns to Steve and says, "Here's that $100 I owe you, man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9181yq/bill_and_steve_walk_out_of_a_bar_after_having_a/
%
I asked my wife “Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?”

She said “I don’t like calling you at work.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91819f/i_asked_my_wife_why_dont_you_tell_me_when_you/
%
I went to an Asian massage place...

And when my masseuse came in, I realized it was avril lavigne. So much for my happy ending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917yv8/i_went_to_an_asian_massage_place/
%
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten. Ten tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917y9x/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
Leprechauns do exist

A man walks into the men's bathroom to take a piss. Low and behold, after a few seconds into relieving himself a very short man walks in and begins peeing in the urinal next to him. Curious about the little fellow, the man looks over the wall separator and tries to get a glimpse of the smaller man's penis. To his surprise, the short man the longest and girthiest penis the man has ever seen. "Truly this short man is blessed." he thinks to himself.
The smaller man notices the man looking at his privates and starts up a casual conversation, "I see you've noticed my penis there, sir. Do you know why mine is so large?"
The man replies, "No I don't, tell me."
The shorter man exclaims, "It's because I'm a Leprechaun, and now that you know my secret I am obliged to give you three wishes. Ask for whatever you want, it will be so."
The man, pauses and in disbelief and sarcasm, "Yeah, sure pal, how about a million dollars? Let's see you make that happen."
The leprechaun snaps his finger and says, "When you arrive home, there will be a suitcase of money on your dinner table, totally $1,000,000 USD."
The man, now no longer apprehensive makes his next wish, "I wish for a mansion, a great big house."
The leprechaun snaps his fingers and says, "Your crappy and meager house will no longer be there when you return, you will have a mansion fit for a king."
The man, now with a glint in his eye and happiness on his face says, "Thank you Mr. Leprechaun, thank you."
The leprechaun replies, "You have on more wish, ask for anything you want."
The man immediately says, "I want a hot babe of a wife, a drop dead gorgeous woman with huge cans."
The leprechaun snaps his fingers and says, "When you get home to your mansion, your new supermodel wife will be a in french-maid outfit with her cleavage bursting from her chest and prepare a feast for you on the same table your million dollars is on."
The man is ecstatic, he cannot wait to leave the restroom and go home. As he begins to leave, the leprechaun stops him and says, "Sir, you cannot leave yet."
The man say's, "Why not? I've asked for my wishes and you've given them to me. I am off to enjoy my new life."
The leprechaun say's, "Well, there is a cost for these three wishes. If you do not pay it then I will snap my fingers and take my wishes back."
The man say's, "What is the price?"
The leprechaun smiles and replies, "You must let me fuck you in the ass until I am satisfied. Do you agree?"
The man, dumbfounded, terrified, thinking of the size of the leprechaun violating him thinks to himself, *"Do I give up this new life I have just found or swallow my pride and let this leprechaun violate me?"*
#30 minutes later
In the stalls of the restroom, the man is crying and holding his pain and tears back, as much as he can. The Leprechaun, thrusting and thrusting, exacting the price of the wishes from the man. To take the man's mind off the pain, the leprechaun ask the man a question, "What is your name, sir?"
The man squeaks, "Bob..."
The leprechaun replies with another question, "Bob, how old you are?"
The man chokes out, "45."
The leprechaun says, "Bob, you're 45 and you still believe in leprechauns?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917v9e/leprechauns_do_exist/
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Did you know that birds die after having sex?

Well the one I fucked last night did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917rlq/did_you_know_that_birds_die_after_having_sex/
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My friends and I started a band making music about good posture.

We're called the Backstraight boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917pom/my_friends_and_i_started_a_band_making_music/
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Hell is now open to tourists.

They first visit the Hall of the greatest criminals. The criminals are standing in blood.
Hitler is waist-deep in blood, his gaze angry, his mouth shouting something that tourists do not hear.
Stalin stands to Hitler’s left, silent, with a sardonic smile on his lips, blood reaching to the middle of his boots.
*Tourist* (astonished): Please tell me why Hitler is buried so much deeper than Stalin? Did he spill so much more blood?
*Guide*: Ah, I will have to tell the administration. Stalin cheated again!
*T*: How does he cheat?
*G*: He always climbs on Lenin’s shoulders!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917o7v/hell_is_now_open_to_tourists/
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People from Boston will never forget that Shaquille O'Neal is hosting Shark Week this year.

They love Shaq Week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917o2v/people_from_boston_will_never_forget_that/
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What do you call a Japanese person who doesn't drink?

Soba.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917o2g/what_do_you_call_a_japanese_person_who_doesnt/
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Talked with a former officer in the Bomb Disposal Unit

I asked him how he dealt with the stress of the job?
"Never had any stress with it." he said
When I asked how come, he said, "It's easy. I either get it right, or it's suddenly not my problem anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917nbc/talked_with_a_former_officer_in_the_bomb_disposal/
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A kid comes back from his first semester of college...

Son: “Dad I think my roommate might be gay.”
Dad: “What makes you say that?”
Son: “Well, because every time I suck his dick it tastes like shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917l7z/a_kid_comes_back_from_his_first_semester_of/
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What are the chances you win the lottery?

1/2 because your either win or you don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917kse/what_are_the_chances_you_win_the_lottery/
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Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O.Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' advice, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr Sherlock, and wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917gwe/who_is_jack_schitt/
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I opened a can of expired beans

It let out an uncanny smell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917ckx/i_opened_a_can_of_expired_beans/
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One day while walking down the street, a highly successful executive was tragically hit by a bus and died.

Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
“Actually, I think I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay in heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in hell."
So St.Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the rubbish and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of rubbish and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917c2v/one_day_while_walking_down_the_street_a_highly/
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Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917bcf/why_do_midgets_laugh_when_they_play_soccer/
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What is the best letter in the alphabet?

Z! Because all the other letters are not-z's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/917abb/what_is_the_best_letter_in_the_alphabet/
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Why is it hard to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs?

Because they tend to take things..literally!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9176ub/why_is_it_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
My girlfriend asked me, "When are we going to get married?"

I said, "I dunno, maybe when we meet the right people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9175g3/my_girlfriend_asked_me_when_are_we_going_to_get/
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If a chemist gets sick and you can't helium or curiam, what do you do?

You barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9174ss/if_a_chemist_gets_sick_and_you_cant_helium_or/
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A man suffering from severe headaches since his late teens decides to see a doctor

The doctor promptly begins examining him and says: "Well the good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration.
"What?" The man exclaims. "There must be some other way".
"Unfortunately not sir. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. If we do not take immediate action, the headches may never subside".
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered  if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to  answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After a succesful operation he was finally headache free for the first time in over 20  years. Despite this, he could not shake the feeling that he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street contemplating his future, he decided he wanted to leave the operaiton in the past and seek a new beginning. Moments later he stumbled upon a men's  clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
Upon entering the store, the elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?""Been in the business 60 years!" The salesman saysJoe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the  mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment but swiftly gave in, "Sure.""Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."Joe was surprised. "How did you know?""Like I said, been in the business 60 years."
The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."Joe was astonished. "Right again! That's an amazing talent you have there!""Been in the business 60 years" the salesman sys again.
Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."Slightly taken aback, Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn a size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The  tailor shook his head. "If you wore a size 32 underwear, it  would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9172f0/a_man_suffering_from_severe_headaches_since_his/
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What's a step-dad?

Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916zw2/whats_a_stepdad/
%
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916xpg/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Don’t forget the coffee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916xo4/on_a_passenger_flight_the_pilot_comes_over_the/
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A cannibal wanted some sushi

So he bought a pack of ra-men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916x92/a_cannibal_wanted_some_sushi/
%
A man goes into the doctor's office

As he walks in, the doctor asks him:"Hey, how are you?"
The man smiles at him and says:"I'm fine, thanks!"
The doc looks at him and screams: "Then get the hell out of here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916tif/a_man_goes_into_the_doctors_office/
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What vehicle do you pick up the most chicks in?

A tractor
(Maybe you'll have to say it out loud)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916ru3/what_vehicle_do_you_pick_up_the_most_chicks_in/
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I saw a burger running in the street today.

It's fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916rh4/i_saw_a_burger_running_in_the_street_today/
%
A man was out on a fishing trip

When suddenly, he dropped one of his oars into the water, frustrated that he couldn't get the boat moving, he decided to seek help.
He saw someone with two beautiful women on his boat who also had a spare oar. "Excuse me, may I borrow one of your oars?" he yelled.
The man appeared offended, "thems ain't 'ores, thems me sisters!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916q3m/a_man_was_out_on_a_fishing_trip/
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My best friend drowned recently. At the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it’s what he would have wanted...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916noz/my_best_friend_drowned_recently_at_the_funeral_we/
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I love the way Earth rotates.

It really makes my day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916mj5/i_love_the_way_earth_rotates/
%
Courtesy of an 8 year old: A man goes to the supermarket

A man goes to the supermarket and puts a miniature milk bottle into his cart. Next he grabs a miniature loaf of bread and one miniature apple. At check out the cute cashier takes his miniature groceries and scans them one by one. Between the *beeps* she takes a good look at him and finally asks.
Cashier: Are you single?
Man: Yes I am, how did you know? Was it because of the miniature groceries?
Cashier: No, it's because you are ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916j5q/courtesy_of_an_8_year_old_a_man_goes_to_the/
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Why didn't the guy call the police when his credit card was stolen?

Because the thief spent less than his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916j5d/why_didnt_the_guy_call_the_police_when_his_credit/
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They said ''icy" is the easiest word to spell

I see why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916flg/they_said_icy_is_the_easiest_word_to_spell/
%
A farmer wants to know...

A farmer wants to know how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his border collie to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them and runs back to the farmer. The farmer says, "How many?" The dog says, "40." The farmer is surprised and says, "How can there be 40 - I only bought 38!" The dog says, "I rounded them up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916dh0/a_farmer_wants_to_know/
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Since my son came out as transgender I can't stop revealing all my secrets.

I guess it's because I'm transparent now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916crh/since_my_son_came_out_as_transgender_i_cant_stop/
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The thing about being a eunuch...

... is that you no longer give a fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916cmg/the_thing_about_being_a_eunuch/
%
Me and my girlfriend have been living a happy life for twenty years.

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916cd2/me_and_my_girlfriend_have_been_living_a_happy/
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What do you call a psychic cow?

Medium Rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916c5m/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_cow/
%
construction gal

A female carpenters first day on the job.She was told to assist the carpenters with tools and materials.Mary is in the process of bringing materials across field to work site when she notices foreman signaling to her.he touches his eye then his knee then his crotch.Mary returns his signal with her own.she touches her eye then her left breast then her crotch.the foremen approaches her puzzled ,mary didnt you understand what i wanted?She says sure ,you said: i need the hammer, and i responded i left tit in the box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916blq/construction_gal/
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A group of researchers were investigating the behavior of bar visitors

They noticed that from opening until closing, 127 people entered the bar and 128 exited. Different scientists tried to explain this anomaly.
The biologist said, "they evidently must have biologically reproduced, resulting in the extra specimen."
The physicist said, "clearly, there's an imperfection in our measurements. We must try again more accurate procedures."
The mathematician said, "if one more person walks in, the bar will be empty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9169bi/a_group_of_researchers_were_investigating_the/
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I decided against buying a belt made of 100 dollar bills.

It's a waist of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/916831/i_decided_against_buying_a_belt_made_of_100/
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Diplomatically Speaking!

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British
ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.
At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de
Gaulle:
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence
on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet
retirement will seem in comparison? What are you most looking forward
to in these retirement years?"
"Hard penis! just hard penis!" replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table.
Everyone heard her answer...... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:
'Ma cherie, I believe ze Engleesh pronounce zat word, "HAPPINESS!"'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9167eq/diplomatically_speaking/
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With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, “What’s that?!”

He whispered, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9166t3/with_a_grim_look_on_his_face_my_doctor_told_me_i/
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Courtesy of my 9yo: What do you call a snake that tells jokes?

A riddle snake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/915vaq/courtesy_of_my_9yo_what_do_you_call_a_snake_that/
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We're doing kids jokes? From my 10 year old this morning

What's a bird's favourite band?
Metalli-CAH! (screech)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/915o1x/were_doing_kids_jokes_from_my_10_year_old_this/
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I am a programmer. A journalist asked me what makes a software code bad. I said...

No comment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/915nfp/i_am_a_programmer_a_journalist_asked_me_what/
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A man runs into a bar...

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/915n1q/a_man_runs_into_a_bar/
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A lot of people in Iran think that president, Hassan Rouhani went way over the line when he threatened the US with the mother of all wars in his latest speech.

In fact they are so concerned about the angry Twitter response from president Trump that they are going to set up their own ‘Mullah investigation’ to look into the matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/915mrd/a_lot_of_people_in_iran_think_that_president/
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A drunk goes into a bar

. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/915lty/a_drunk_goes_into_a_bar/
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I’m in a band called 1023 megabytes.

People don’t believe me when I say we’ve got a gig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/915jcj/im_in_a_band_called_1023_megabytes/
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I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank...

..ever uses the phrase “ Thanks for coming! ”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/915erk/i_wonder_if_the_receptionist_at_the_sperm_bank/
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One Ticket for Three

Three engineers and three lawyers were going to a convention. At the train station to the convention, one engineer said, "We can get on the train with only one ticket."
The other group laughed, but did not interject when the first group bought the ticket. When the conductor went around on the train for the tickets, the engineers all walked into the restroom. The conductor walked over, knocked on the door, and a single arm shot out holding the ticket, which the engineer took.
The engineers walked back to their seat after with no further problems. The other group applauded their idea.
On the way back from the convention, the lawyers announced how they were going to try the same trick as the first.
"In that case," one engineer started, "We will travel with no ticket at all!"
The lawyers laughed at the engineers, but did not refuse their idea. On the train back, the conductor walked around to collect tickets, and the lawyers giggled to themselves as they got up and entered the restroom. Waiting a moment, the engineers all got up, walked to the lawyers' restroom, knocked on the door, and an arm shot out with the ticket. The engineers took it, and entered the next restroom over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/915civ/one_ticket_for_three/
%
A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"
The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."
The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."
The man, very grateful, replies, "Yes! That would be nice. Thank you so much, sir." He points at the end of the road and says, "There's another family of 5 there. They also haven't eaten in a long time! Would you mind if they come along as well?"
The businessman says, "Sure, as long as they can fit in my car. My house isn't far down this road so it shouldn't be a problem. Besides, I haven't mowed my lawn in months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/915a46/a_successful_businessman_is_driving_home_and_sees/
%
My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?"

I said I'd take either/oar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9159as/my_wife_handed_me_two_kayak_paddles_and_asked/
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I recently joined a nudist colony.

The first few days were the hardest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91594m/i_recently_joined_a_nudist_colony/
%
They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"

They are right -- that field isn't hiring!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9158mq/they_said_find_something_you_love_to_do_and_you/
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The man who invented single-ply toilet paper

made a serious breakthrough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91574h/the_man_who_invented_singleply_toilet_paper/
%
My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

He said, "It's worth spending money on good speakers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/914vws/my_grandad_gave_me_some_sound_advice_on_his/
%
Why did Mike Tyson break up with his girlfriend?

EARreconcilable differenceth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/914q72/why_did_mike_tyson_break_up_with_his_girlfriend/
%
The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.

"Almost two years," said the mother.
"Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?"
The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/914o30/the_mother_took_her_young_daughter_to_a/
%
Dark humor is like a child with cancer

It never grows old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/914mi8/dark_humor_is_like_a_child_with_cancer/
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Why did the phone’s eyes light up?

It got new contacts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/914kh1/why_did_the_phones_eyes_light_up/
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What’s the difference between a vacuum and a motorcycle?

The location of the dirt bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/914hiv/whats_the_difference_between_a_vacuum_and_a/
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Did you hear about the scientist that achieved absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/914h7c/did_you_hear_about_the_scientist_that_achieved/
%
How many grammar nazis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/914gp1/how_many_grammar_nazis_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A girl goes to a Church to confess......

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91405j/a_girl_goes_to_a_church_to_confess/
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So an American soldier and a Japanese soldier wash up alone on two neighbouring islands during WW2...

. A few days after washing up onshore, the American is gazing over at the neighbouring island and spots a Japanese soldier staring back at him.
The American tries shouting out to the man but decides it is much to far of a distance to be heard, so he decides to use hand signals.
By holding his arms straight out to his sides and waving them slowly, he asks "Are you in the Air Force?"
He then makes a swimming motion with his arms to ask "Are you in the Navy?"
Then goes on to hold up his fist to ask "Are you in the Army?"
And finally he holds his hands up to his eyes in the shape of binoculars to ask "or...are you a Spy?"
The Japanese soldier does not respond, so he tries again with his hand signals..."Are you in the Air Force?...Are you in the Navy?...Are you in the Army?...Are you a Spy?"
The Japanese man suddenly responds by ducking behind the closest tree to hide.
The American tries one last time with his signals.. "Are you in the Air Force?...Are you in the Navy?...Are you in the Army?...Are you a Spy?"
Eventually he gives up and doesn't see the Japanese soldier again. A few days later a large American warship comes through and rescues both men off their respective islands. They immediately detain and begin interrogating the Japanese man, but he is far too shaken to cooperate.
The Captain of the ship asks the American Soldier, "What on earth did you do to that Japanese Soldier, he is terrified of us because of you!"
The American Soldier responds, "Captain, all I did was ask him (while doing the hand motions), are you in the Air Force?...Are you in the Navy?...Are you in the Army?...Are you a Spy?"
Right, well what he understood was:
At quarter to three, I'm going to swim over there and fuck you in the ass 'till your eyeballs pop out.
*This joke is great with groups, providing you do the hand signals correctly..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/913zmk/so_an_american_soldier_and_a_japanese_soldier/
%
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop...

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks "Can you make me one with  everything?"
The pizza vendor fixes a pizza and hands it to the Dalai Lama, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
"Excuse me, but where’s my change?" asks the Dalai Lama. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
Suddenly, a gun emerges from the Dalai Lama's chest. He says, "this is my inner piece."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/913xv8/the_dalai_lama_walks_into_a_pizza_shop/
%
A dung beetle walks in a bar and asks

is this stool taken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/913wrn/a_dung_beetle_walks_in_a_bar_and_asks/
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What’s the name of Mario and Lugi’s mother?

Mia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/913v6v/whats_the_name_of_mario_and_lugis_mother/
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If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/913sy0/if_you_read_the_bible_backwards_its_about_a_man/
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Did you know, the KKK were actually the first people to celebrate black history month?

If they saw you, and you were black, you were history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/913sk5/did_you_know_the_kkk_were_actually_the_first/
%
Courtesy of my 5 year old god son: knock knock

Who’s there ?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Never mind it’s pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/913qfn/courtesy_of_my_5_year_old_god_son_knock_knock/
%
A Man Wakes Up Dazed and Confused in a Strange City

He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/913nyw/a_man_wakes_up_dazed_and_confused_in_a_strange/
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What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for school?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/913ewo/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
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Three couples are trying to get married.

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/913c2b/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married/
%
NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9138hu/nasa_was_preparing_for_the_apollo_project/
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Why did the green apple have sex all the time?

Because it was a little tart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9138hi/why_did_the_green_apple_have_sex_all_the_time/
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A guy walks into a patio bar

.  He sits down next to an acquaintance.  He reached into to his inner coat pocket, and pulls out a midget.  This is no ordinary midget.  This particular midget is only about a foot tall.  He placed his midget friend on the bar.  He reaches back into his coat pocket.  He pulls out a miniature baby grand piano.  The little midget starts tearing that shit up.  All badass contemporary, Billy Joel, Elton John style.  Naturally, this gathers the attention of the acquaintance sitting next to him.  The acquaintance looks over and asks, "where did you get this little piano playing midget"??.  Our dude reaches into his pocket one last time, and pulls out an Arabian magic lamp.  Like something you'd see in Aladin.  He says "I made a wish, rubbed it, and here we are".  The acquaintance asks if he may try, and our dude hands it over to him.  The acquaintance rubs the magic lamp, and says "I wish I had a million bucks".  Suddenly, the sky fills with dark gray clouds.  There's a crack of intense lightning, and it starts raining ducks.  They're falling everywhere.  "Quack, quack, quack".  The acquaintance says, "what the fuck, man? I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".  Our dude says to him: "Do you really think I wish for a twelve inch pianist"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9138a1/a_guy_walks_into_a_patio_bar/
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How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Not five, my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9135z2/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f\*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9135pm/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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Why do deaf people make the best gynecologists?

Because they’re good at reading lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9134g2/why_do_deaf_people_make_the_best_gynecologists/
%
Why are orphans terrible at baseball?

Because they can’t find home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9132rd/why_are_orphans_terrible_at_baseball/
%
So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912yg5/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
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I have an awesome knock knock joke

but one of you has to start it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912y4d/i_have_an_awesome_knock_knock_joke/
%
My niece stabbed me with a red crayon today...

It drew blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912xqr/my_niece_stabbed_me_with_a_red_crayon_today/
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What did the ghost say to the bees?

BOO BEES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912x7d/what_did_the_ghost_say_to_the_bees/
%
An indecisive hot dog got a bun pregnant.

He didn't know what condoment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912w46/an_indecisive_hot_dog_got_a_bun_pregnant/
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*Using Ouija board* “Hello is anyone there?”

*Y*
*O*
*U*
*U*
*U*
*U*
*U*
“Dammit this is a Soulja board”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912uyw/using_ouija_board_hello_is_anyone_there/
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I like my coffee like I like my women...

...with no penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912upv/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
The nudist colony restaurant was so bad

Even the salad was undressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912tkj/the_nudist_colony_restaurant_was_so_bad/
%
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912tk8/i_called_a_suicide_hotline_in_iraq/
%
How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912t4x/how_much_does_a_pirate_pay_for_corn/
%
In the South, we value diversity.

We want you to feel included, whether you're homophobic, Islamophobic, or just a racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912sdm/in_the_south_we_value_diversity/
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I'm gonna buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces

Why knot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912que/im_gonna_buy_some_velcro_for_my_shoes_instead_of/
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Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912qb1/courtesy_of_my_five_year_old_son_what_do_you_get/
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My 7yo loved the dinosaur joke so much he wanted to share his joke:

What do you call a 3 humped camel?
Pregnant...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912pn3/my_7yo_loved_the_dinosaur_joke_so_much_he_wanted/
%
Vasectomies aren't worth it...

They don't even work! I had one but my girlfriend still got pregnant, in fact all they seem to do is make the baby black when we're both white. Would not recommend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912mcw/vasectomies_arent_worth_it/
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The say people with big feet..

Have big penises and people with small cars also have big penises.
No wonder people are so afraid of clown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/912971/the_say_people_with_big_feet/
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Three men are at the pearly white gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter

.
Regretfully, st . Peter says that heaven is full and as a result he can only choose one of them.
“Tell me about how you died and I will decide who shall go forth” he said.
The first man steps forward and says
“I was a hardworking husband devoted to my family and my job. I had just finished a long hard days work and returned to my apartment on my 23rd floor building complex when I heard my wife giggle from the bedroom. Suspicious, I burst into the room to find my wife, naked and shocked, in bed. I said three words: where is he? My wife refused to tell me so I searched the place until I found a man in his underwear dangling from my balcony, clinging on to dear life. I hesitated - but then the bastard smiled at me. In a blind fit of rage I bashed at his hands as a look of utter terror rushed over his face. Eventually the man’s grasp escaped him as I watched him plummet 23 floors. Yet to my bewilderment, he landed in a bush and I watched him stand up unscathed. The bastard then began looking up at me and laughing! By this point I was seething so I ran into the kitchen, picked up my large fridge and threw it over the balcony and watched it fall 23 floors and crush him. Straight after - I don’t know whether it was the anger, panic or strain of picking up a really heavy fridge - I had a heart attack and died”
“Right” said St. Peter “what about you?”
The second man stepped forward and said
“Well I had been dancing in my underwear on my 24ft floor apartment balcony when I had suddenly slipped and fell over the rail. Luckily I managed to grip onto the balcony below and was left dangling above 23 floors. I was terrified but I thought I was saved when I saw the owner of the apartment come onto the balcony and noticed me. I let out a sigh and smile of relief. However with a crazed look on his face he began smacking my hands over and over until I fell to the ground. Yet to my amazement I had landed in a bush and was totally fine. I couldn’t believe my luck - I had just fell 24 stories! So I looked up at the height I had fell and laughed in disbelief. That’s when I noticed a fridge falling at me with incredible speed, and it was too late. It crushed me to death.”
“Okay” said St. Peter. “And what about you?”
The third man came forward.
“Well, I was in this fridge...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91275m/three_men_are_at_the_pearly_white_gates_of_heaven/
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My girlfriend of six years is a melon. She broke my heart when I proposed to her today.

She said, “I just cantaloupe with you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9125u8/my_girlfriend_of_six_years_is_a_melon_she_broke/
%
What's Thanos' favorite drink?

Snapple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9124p0/whats_thanos_favorite_drink/
%
There are three types of people in this world.

Those who can count, and those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9124ds/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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What do you call an Australian that liked soup

(Likes soup)
A more-supial.
.
.
.
I’ll leave now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9120er/what_do_you_call_an_australian_that_liked_soup/
%
What do you call a musical chicken?

Bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/911xnh/what_do_you_call_a_musical_chicken/
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I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/911wmc/i_invited_my_girlfriend_to_go_to_the_gym_with_me/
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Bound to offend some but hey what. What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A Mega Sore Arse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/911vcn/bound_to_offend_some_but_hey_what_what_do_you/
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Murder at Safeway

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious
underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front.
The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single
dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in
the produce department and proceeded to strangle
her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath
and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie
had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were capturedby hidden cameras and observed by the store's securityguard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before hecould leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper,
the headline declared: "Artie Chokes Two For A Dollar At Safeway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/911tjq/murder_at_safeway/
%
Why are priests called Father?

Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/911tem/why_are_priests_called_father/
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I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the Universe was..

He replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/911sf2/i_asked_god_what_the_most_unlikely_thing_in_the/
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I met a beautiful jewish girl today and she asked me for my number

I told her we use names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/911q3o/i_met_a_beautiful_jewish_girl_today_and_she_asked/
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What do you call a German jazz player?

Jazz Hans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/911q2y/what_do_you_call_a_german_jazz_player/
%
Heard the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper ?

He sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/911oxl/heard_the_one_about_the_dyslexic_devilworshipper/
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I was wondering what my parents did in their free time when they were young

I asked my 27 siblings and they didn’t know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/911o24/i_was_wondering_what_my_parents_did_in_their_free/
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[NSFW] Guy walks in to a bar and orders a rum and coke

Bartender puts an apple down on the counter. The guy is confuaed but the bartender says "take a bite".
Guy takes a bite and says "my God, it takes just like rum!" Bartender nods and says "turn it over". Guy takes a bite of the other side and says "oh my god, it tastes just like coke!"
Second guy walks in and the first guy tells him all about the apple. Second guy, skeptical, orders a gin and tonic. Bartender hands him an apple. Second guy takes a bite and says "it tastes just like gin!" Bartender nods and says "turn it around", so he does and takes a bite, and he exclaims "it tastes just like tonic!".
Third guy comes in and the first two tell him about the apple. The bartender asks him what he would like and he says "pussy" without even thinking. Bartender hands him an apple. Third guy takes a bite and says "aw what the hell dude! This tastes like ass!"
Bartender says "turn it around".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/911frl/nsfw_guy_walks_in_to_a_bar_and_orders_a_rum_and/
%
When I was 10, I told my dad I wanted to learn ballet. He said no, because "ballet is for sissies".

When I was 12, I told my dad I wanted to learn cooking. He said no, because "cooking is for sissies".
When I was 14, I told my dad I wanted to learn knitting. He said no, because "knitting is for sissies".
When I was 18, I told my dad I wanted to go to fashon college. He said no, because "fashion is for sissies".
Now I'm 22, I'm a sissy and I can't do shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/911buq/when_i_was_10_i_told_my_dad_i_wanted_to_learn/
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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the TV wasn't on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9117wu/i_bought_a_porn_dvd_today_and_all_i_could_see_was/
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If coal is so bad for the environment,

why don’t we just burn it all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91176g/if_coal_is_so_bad_for_the_environment/
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Two friars were behind on their belfry payments.

So they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they politely declined,  He went back and begged the friars to close. They ayet again declined. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, proving once and for all  that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9114l7/two_friars_were_behind_on_their_belfry_payments/
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A boy on a nudist beach...

... asks his dad,why some men have bigger willies than others. Dad replies: "We smarter men have smaller ones, stupid guys have bigger ones...".
After a while the boy runs up to dad and says: "Daddy, I just saw mommy talking to the stupidest guy on the beach and the more they talked, the stupider he was getting!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9112dp/a_boy_on_a_nudist_beach/
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Most people don't know that DMX is good at math

When solving a polynomial, X gon give it to you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91116u/most_people_dont_know_that_dmx_is_good_at_math/
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I like my coffee how I like my slaves.

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/910ukr/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_slaves/
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I like my men like I like my water...

Making up 75% of what’s inside me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/910tn4/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_water/
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Where do you find a one-legged cat?

Right where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/910smh/where_do_you_find_a_onelegged_cat/
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Today I was offered sex by a young attractive woman, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards and strong will power.

Almost as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available in scented lemon or vanilla.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/910kdb/today_i_was_offered_sex_by_a_young_attractive/
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Did you hear about the new pickle flavored bread?

So since Pickle flavor is in style now with sonics new pickle juice shake, I think I'm going to launch a line of pickle flavored pastry. I'm going to call it Dilldough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/910igx/did_you_hear_about_the_new_pickle_flavored_bread/
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Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/910h9o/courtesy_of_my_6yo_daughter_what_do_you_call_a/
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A guy forced his penis into my ear canal and literally destroyed my ear...

And now I got hearing AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/910fy0/a_guy_forced_his_penis_into_my_ear_canal_and/
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What has 3 hands but can’t pick anything up?

A clock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/910dux/what_has_3_hands_but_cant_pick_anything_up/
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What was Helen Keller’s favorite color?

Corduroy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/910c70/what_was_helen_kellers_favorite_color/
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What's round and bad tempered?

A vicious circle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/910au1/whats_round_and_bad_tempered/
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My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum

Doctors described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9108zb/my_cousin_was_hospitalized_after_shoving_28_small/
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Kermit Doesn’t Always Eat Pork

But when he does, he makes her shower first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9107yy/kermit_doesnt_always_eat_pork/
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Three parrots are in a pet shop for sale

Priced at £170, £150 and £10.
A woman asks the shopkeeper "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies "Because it used to live in a brothel."
The woman finds this amusing so she buys the parrot. On returning home the parrot takes in its new surroundings and says "Fuck me, a new brothel!". The woman laughs.
A few hours later, her two daughters come home and the parrot pipes up once more "Fuck me, new girls!". The woman and her daughters both laugh.
Later that evening, the woman's husband comes in from work and once more the parrot ejaculates, this time saying "Fuck me Keith, long time no see!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/91062i/three_parrots_are_in_a_pet_shop_for_sale/
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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
*I found this joke again while browsing and deleting my old facebook notes. This was from 2007.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9105my/a_worldwide_survey_was_conducted_by_the_un/
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Did you hear about the recent polio outbreak among Stormtroopers?

I guess it’s because they always miss their shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9100gg/did_you_hear_about_the_recent_polio_outbreak/
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Canada has a much better leader than the United States

It's Trudeau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90zvml/canada_has_a_much_better_leader_than_the_united/
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Every time my girlfriend puts her hair in pig tails, she looks like a 12 year old

I keep telling her that I'm tired of her trying to dress older.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90zs1m/every_time_my_girlfriend_puts_her_hair_in_pig/
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I was twenty minutes late for my train this morning.

Just so it knows how I feel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90zqr4/i_was_twenty_minutes_late_for_my_train_this/
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What do you call a shiny lion?

A medallion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90zp15/what_do_you_call_a_shiny_lion/
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So my coworkers and I were sent to "sensitivity training"

The lady running it said, "you have to use the right words to refer to people, because you don't want to offend them. Instead of 'policeman', say 'police officer'. Instead of 'fireman' say 'firefighter'. Don't say 'chairman', say 'chairperson'."
"Um, excuse me," I said, "I think they prefer to be called people with disabilities'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90zleo/so_my_coworkers_and_i_were_sent_to_sensitivity/
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If Luxembourg invaded another nation,

then they’d probably be hit with a Luxembargo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90zkba/if_luxembourg_invaded_another_nation/
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My wife had to die because she lied about her weight one time too much.

Bungee jumping...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90zhfu/my_wife_had_to_die_because_she_lied_about_her/
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Went to the library and asked do you have the sex book on small dicks, she said it's not in yet, I replied.

Yes that's the one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90zcw8/went_to_the_library_and_asked_do_you_have_the_sex/
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How did the beluga respond to their beluga friend asking them to hang out?

“Might as whale.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90zbs5/how_did_the_beluga_respond_to_their_beluga_friend/
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Tom, Dick, and Harry were in a bar

Talking through the late hours of the night into the morning. A little after midnight they got into an argument over the difference between irritation, anger, and frustration. Finally Tom bets the other two $50 that he can demonstrate that with just three phone calls. So they take the bet. They all walk to the pay phone on the street. "Listen carefully, this is irritation," says Tom, picking up the phone and dialling a random number. "Hello, is Charlie there?" he asked. "Charlie? I don't know any Charlie, why are you calling at this time of night?" Came the irate reply. "Oh, sorry" said Tom, hanging up. "Now let me show you anger" he said, picking up the phone and dialling the same number again. "Hello, is Charlie there?" He asked. "I just told you there's nobody like that  here!! Stop calling and let me sleep!" Said the now angry man. "Oh, I'm sorry"said Tom and hung up. "And now I'll show you frustration" he said picking up the phone and dialling the same number. "Hello," he asked. "This is Charlie. Have there been any calls for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90zbfw/tom_dick_and_harry_were_in_a_bar/
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What do you do when you are attacked by a group of clowns?

You go straight for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90za12/what_do_you_do_when_you_are_attacked_by_a_group/
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I went into the library and asked for a book on turtles.

the lady said, "hardback?"
I replied, "yes, with little wrinkled heads"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90z80j/i_went_into_the_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
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Save money instantly

by turning your sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wedding anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90z70b/save_money_instantly/
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Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20-story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."
Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.
Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90z4y4/kim_jong_un_and_vladimir_putin_were_having_a/
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Make sure your viagra says "Made in the USA"...

We don't want Russia meddling in our erections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90z4n7/make_sure_your_viagra_says_made_in_the_usa/
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What did the fish say when it hit a wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90z19m/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_hit_a_wall/
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Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.
One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90z06s/two_police_officers_walk_into_a_crime_scene/
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My wife likes her steak like she likes to have sex

Very rare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90yy1d/my_wife_likes_her_steak_like_she_likes_to_have_sex/
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There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and a genie appears...

He says, "you each get three wishes"
So the bear starts off and says, "I wish I was the only guy bear in the forest so I could get all the girl bears."
The genie nods and snaps his fingers and it is done, and it is now the rabbit's turn. The rabbit says, "I wish I had a motorcycle because motorcycles are cool." Again, the genie snaps his fingers and now the rabbit has a motorcycle.
The bear then says, "I wish I was the only guy bear in the entire country so I could get all the girl bears." The genie snaps, and it is back to the rabbit's turn. He says, "I wish I had a motorcycle helmet because safety first." Then the bear says his final wish, "I wish I was the only guy bear in the entire world so I could get ALL the girl bears." With hesitation, the genie snaps again and it is done. The rabbit then says, "I wish the bear was gay," and rides off on his motorcycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90yxln/theres_a_bear_and_a_rabbit_in_the_woods_and_a/
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So this Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder...

The bartender says, 'nice pet, where'd you get him?' and the parrot says, 'France, they got a million of 'em!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90yxjv/so_this_frenchman_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_parrot/
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Drinking Smart

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90yxa8/drinking_smart/
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Family violence

A 6 year old kid was at the center of a NYC Courtroom earlier this month when he challenged a court ruling over who should have Custody over him. When it was discovered that his parents beat him, he was given custody over to his grandparents. A problem arises when the boy says that his grandparents also beat him. Custody is then suggested to he given to his aunt, with the same problem: the boy was beaten by his aunt. After realizing that violence was a problem within his family, the judge let the boy propose who should have custody of him. After talking to welfare officials the Judge granted custody of the boy to the New York Giants. Who the boy firmly believed couldn't beat anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90yvl0/family_violence/
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After my prostate exam...

I was at the front counter and wanted to pay by check. I asked my proctologist for a pen. He handed me a rectal thermometer.
"What's this?" I asked.
He said, "Dammit, some asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90yuu8/after_my_prostate_exam/
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Three men from the same country enter a competition to see who has the most children.

As they enter the stadium, the enormous crowd starts cheering in excitement. The first man comes up, and his family of 20 accompanies him on stage. The second man comes up, revealing his enormous family of 60 members. The third man comes up on the stage, but nobody comes up with him. The crowd then starts chanting:
“DADDY! DADDY! DADDY...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90yu5m/three_men_from_the_same_country_enter_a/
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A fat guy meets a skinny guy...

The fat one says: "You look like there's been a famine."
The skinny one replies: "You look like you caused it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ytbw/a_fat_guy_meets_a_skinny_guy/
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What does a chicken do when it runs out of money?

Chicken strips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90yrj4/what_does_a_chicken_do_when_it_runs_out_of_money/
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What does Mike Tyson say after a good workout with the Avengers?

I'm Thor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90yr4x/what_does_mike_tyson_say_after_a_good_workout/
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If at first you don't succeed...

Then skydiving probably isn't for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90yqi0/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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A man goes to have drinks with his buddies after work

As the night went on, someone put a glass on his chair, he sat on it and they all laughed and laughed. Finally he goes home at 3 AM, and quietly opens the door.  He realizes he needs to take care of his cuts, gets a box of bandaids, and carefully applies them in front of the hall mirror.  The next morning, his wife said “ That you came home at 3 in the morning, I know.  that you were drunk, I also know.  But please explain- why the hell did you put all those bandages on the hall mirror?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ypy5/a_man_goes_to_have_drinks_with_his_buddies_after/
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I'm really grateful that I had parents who opened their hearts to me when I was a boy.

It made it easier for me to accept my cannibalistic nature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ynhg/im_really_grateful_that_i_had_parents_who_opened/
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What did one orphan say to another?

"Robin, get in the Batmobile"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ymxc/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_another/
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10 september 2001

The child of Bin Laden comes home grumpy. His dad asks him "what happened?". "Today I got an F in geography class". "And what did she ask you?". "What's the tallest building from New York and I said Empire State Building". "Eh, don't cry over it, I'll take care of that for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ymre/10_september_2001/
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My girl walked in on me while I was blow drying my dick and asked "wtf are you doing?"

Apparently, "heating your dinner" wasnt the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ylin/my_girl_walked_in_on_me_while_i_was_blow_drying/
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I'm proud to say that I have never been caught masturbating in my entire life.

That's just one of the benefits of living in a home for the deaf and blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90yl23/im_proud_to_say_that_i_have_never_been_caught/
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10 years ago, I married my best friend

My wife's still angry about it but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90yj4m/10_years_ago_i_married_my_best_friend/
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What do you call a fat psychic

A four-chin-teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90yh60/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
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Quitting cigarettes is super easy.

I've done it a thousand times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ygg3/quitting_cigarettes_is_super_easy/
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What's better than winning the Paralympics wheelchair race?

walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90yecn/whats_better_than_winning_the_paralympics/
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I was waiting for the green light at the crossing and saw an old woman walking with a little child...

The excited child was walking bit faster towards the crossing than the old lady. She then shouted, "Degree, wait for me!"
I was so amazed to hear such an unusual name. So to satisfy my curiousity, I walked closer to the woman and asked; "Ma, why do u call your grand child Degree?" The woman laughed and said "I sent her mother to University for education and this is what she brought home instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ybul/i_was_waiting_for_the_green_light_at_the_crossing/
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Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in the crack!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90y982/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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Did you hear about the guy who put his condom on backwards?

He went.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90y7gg/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_put_his_condom_on/
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My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90y6y6/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_be_more_like_her_ex/
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Guy goes to the doctors with a lettuce stuck up his arse, doctor was umming and umming, guy says doc what is wrong? Doctor says.

This is only the tip of the iceberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90y6ow/guy_goes_to_the_doctors_with_a_lettuce_stuck_up/
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I love watching a mime artist

I even give him invisible money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xznk/i_love_watching_a_mime_artist/
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Why did the Alabama man marry his third cousin?

Because the first two weren't good in bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xywf/why_did_the_alabama_man_marry_his_third_cousin/
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I know many handicapped people with a great sense of humour.

Shame they don't do stand-up comedy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xy7z/i_know_many_handicapped_people_with_a_great_sense/
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Wrong email address

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xxu9/wrong_email_address/
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The normal chicken goes

“cock-a-doodle-doo!”
The retarted chicken goes “doodle-doodle-cock!”
The gay chicken goes “any-cock-will-doo!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xxdf/the_normal_chicken_goes/
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Three clowns walk into a bar....

They walk in and order a drink. After a while they all head into the bathroom around the same time. 10-15 minutes pass by and the first clown walks out of the bathroom. The bartender says “What where you doing in there?” The clown goes “I was blowing bubbles”. Another 10-15 minutes go by and another clown walks out of the bathroom. Again the bartender asks “What where you doing in there?” The clown goes: “I was blowing bubbles”. After about 5 minutes, the third clown walks out of the bathroom. The bartender goes “Let me guess, you where blowing bubbles too?”
The clown goes “No, I’m Bubbles”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xwgy/three_clowns_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why couldn’t Helen Keller Drive?

Because she was a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xvp9/why_couldnt_helen_keller_drive/
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A woman walks into a butcher shop

"How much for the pig's head?"
"Ma'am, that's a mirror"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xvec/a_woman_walks_into_a_butcher_shop/
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Two guys were staying at a hotel on the 45th floor

Please excuse formatting, I’m on mobile.
As they were checking in, the receptionist said that the elevator was broken and that they could have a room on the first floor. The guys said that they would take the stairs and for the first 15 floors, they would sing songs, the next 15 floors they would tell funny stories and the last 15 floors would be sad stories.
So they start the walk, singing songs for the first 15, telling funny stories for the next 15, and finally, the reach the 30th floor and one guy says to the other, “what’s your sad story?”
The guy responds, “I don’t have the room key”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xsqe/two_guys_were_staying_at_a_hotel_on_the_45th_floor/
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A lawyer opened the door of his BMW

, when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xrxp/a_lawyer_opened_the_door_of_his_bmw/
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On his 25th wedding anniversary, a man asks his wife if she ever cheated on him

"I've cheated on you three times" she says.
"When was the first?" he asks
"Well, remember 20 years ago when you wanted to start your business but no bank would give you a loan, then miraculously one bank did? It was no miracle. I fucked the bank manager."
The husband said "Well, if it weren't for that, I'd have no business. I think it was a worthy cause. When was the second time?"
"Remember when you were framed for murder and no lawyer would take your case, and then one miraculously did and got you aquitted? It was no miracle, I fucked the lawyer."
"Well, if it weren't for that, I'd be in jail. Thank you. When was the third time?"
"Remember when you wanted to be the president of the golf association but you were 52 votes short?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xrug/on_his_25th_wedding_anniversary_a_man_asks_his/
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are on a ridge

And the lone ranger says: "Tonto! There's Indians to the North! And Indians to the West, Indians to the East and Indians to the South! What are we going to do?"
And Tonto goes: "What do you mean we, white man?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xqqa/the_lone_ranger_and_tonto_are_on_a_ridge/
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I'm a proud father since 10 minutes

My son is already 20 years old but he has been a disappointment till now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xpjt/im_a_proud_father_since_10_minutes/
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What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off with a leaf and apologise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xirc/what_should_you_do_if_you_come_across_a_tiger_in/
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Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb.

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xhe8/today_i_saw_a_little_boy_wearing_rags_sitting_on/
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Bought a DIY dildo set so I could cast my girlfriend a dildo from my own manhood.

She didn't like it... Takes 24 hours to harden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xgag/bought_a_diy_dildo_set_so_i_could_cast_my/
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I was so happy when my coach told me I should be playing in the majors.

Then I realized I was in band class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xfqr/i_was_so_happy_when_my_coach_told_me_i_should_be/
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I bought my son a tramploine for his b-day but he was an ungratefull shit head

He just set there in his wheelchair and cried

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90xe2h/i_bought_my_son_a_tramploine_for_his_bday_but_he/
%
I hate being bipolar

It's awesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90x9er/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."
So Jamie excitedly stood up and said:
"I went on a choo-choo!"
The teacher grimaced and replied:
"No Jamie, you rode on a train. Remember, grown-up words. Sarah, you next. What did you do?"
Sarah stood up and exclaimed:
"I went to see my granny!"
Again the teacher pulled a face and said:
"No Sarah, you went to visit your Grandmother. You're not in nursery any more, no baby words please. Jimmy, let's hear you?"
Jimmy got up and said:
"I read a book!"
The teacher smiled.
"Very good Jimmy! Can you remember what the book was called?"
Jimmy smiled with confidence and proudly shouted:
"Winnie the SHIT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90x97g/a_primary_one_teacher_was_speaking_to_her_class/
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A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.
The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."
"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"
The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.
"Open one of those samples!"
The woman takes the lid off a sample.
"DRINK ONE!"
"Excuse me? You want me to drink it?"
"Yeah, drink it now!"
The woman, frightened, picks up the sample and drinks it down. The man then removes his ski mask and says:
"You see you can do it Wendy, you just don't want to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90x5zq/a_man_wearing_a_ski_mask_and_carrying_a_gun/
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After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came in.

And whispered the 5 words that no man ever wants to hear - "Who the fuck was that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90x51g/after_my_prostate_exam_the_doctor_left_then_the/
%
A father has a conversation with his son about the danger of masturbating

He says “Son, if you masturbate too much you will end up blind.”  The son replies “Dad, I’m over here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90x4gl/a_father_has_a_conversation_with_his_son_about/
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During meditation, a monk asks his master… “Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?”

His master thought for a moment and replied:
“A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90x3hq/during_meditation_a_monk_asks_his_master_master/
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The only B-word you should call a woman is beautiful

Bitches love being called beautiful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90x0t5/the_only_bword_you_should_call_a_woman_is/
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3 unwritten rules of life...

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90wxjl/3_unwritten_rules_of_life/
%
An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.

The German says:
>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!
The American replies:
>Ah, yes, but in the USA we're even freer. I could walk right up to the White House and shout "I love Vladimir Putin"... and they'd let me in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90wukn/an_american_and_a_german_are_discussing_freedom/
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I ate an entire young horse.

Now I'm really foal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ws5z/i_ate_an_entire_young_horse/
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4 football fans were in a plane crash

They all survive, until one day. The barcelona fan dies. So the 3 remaining fans decide they should eat the part of him depending on what team they like.
The first guy likes Liverpool, so he got to eat the liver.
The second guy likes Manchester, so he got to eat the chest.
The third guy starts to cry.
”Whats wrong?” Asks the other 2.
”I like Arsenal..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90wrv2/4_football_fans_were_in_a_plane_crash/
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Two people are on death row.

One says to the other, "Hey man, what did you do that people thought was bad enough to be executed?"
The other man responds, "killed and raped 7 young girls at a slumber party. What did you do?"
The first guy responds, "Its a long story,"
The second man says "well, I have time"
The first guy starts telling his story.
"Well, I worked in a cough drop factory for a while. Our cough drops were special because they were extra minty. A while ago, this new guy came in, and he started stealing cough drops from my station. The manager though I was doing it, so he started cutting my pay. I tried to explain, but he didn't care. I confronted the guy, and told him he should stop, but he started getting in my face, and a fight broke out. I was originally going to go fishing later that day, but instead I grabbed the fishing rod and started attacking him with it. Then he tackled me, and we fell into a giant pit of where all the cough drops were collected. Since there wasn't a lot of room to whack him with the fishing rod, I started strangling him with it, and eventually I strangled him to death."
The second guy asks,"But, it was only one guy. Why did you get the death sentence?"
The first guy answers, "Well,  because the reel choke was in the cough mints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90wp45/two_people_are_on_death_row/
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So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I  actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."
I looked at her, confused and said; "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."
"Oh.." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90wons/so_was_at_a_bar_last_night_and_saw_this_fat_chick/
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I was walking into Best Buy...

When I saw a dwarf walking out carrying a flat screen TV. I asked him, "Are you going to be able to carry that TV by yourself?" He screams back, " F*ck you! It's an iPad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90wfut/i_was_walking_into_best_buy/
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Did you hear what happened to the really offensive joke about tall grass?

[re mowed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90wdkn/did_you_hear_what_happened_to_the_really/
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A fella working at a Sherwin-Williams store has a particularly challenging customer one day.

It's a Saturday morning, so the shop is pretty busy; there's quite the line of people needing paint mixed up. This lady's completely out of place; dressed to the nines, talk-to-the-manager haircut, the works. She hands our man Joe a tiny paint chip and says, "I need this exact color. It has to be perfect."
Joe says, "Well, it's a bit smaller than we like to work with, but let me see what I can do." He puts it through the spectrophotometer, gets a formula, and mixes it on up. Upon inspection, the lady says, "That will never do, it's not quite right." So he tries again, and again the results just don't measure up. A third try, and not only are both Joe and the customer getting frustrated, he can see that his coworkers and other customers are starting to get annoyed by how much time it's taking. The lady says, "Look, you're obviously just not gonna get this right. Let me have my chip back and I'll go somewhere where they know their jobs."
Well, Joe's already on edge, and this fresh insult is the last straw. But he's been at this for years, he knows how to keep a customer service face. "Ma'am, let me try just one more thing, and if I can't get it right then you have my blessing to try another store."
"Well, all right. But you've already wasted enough of my time. You have five minutes." Joe nods, and takes the chip and disappears into the back room. (Meanwhile, his coworker just rolls his eyes at being left alone.)
Shortly, noises can be heard from the stockroom. There's thuds, some grinding, the occasional swear... it sounds like a paving crew have set up shop. Just as the five minutes runs out, Joe reappears with a gallon canister, which he opens and puts together a sample for the lady to compare to her chip. Immediately her demeanor changes.
"That's perfect, young man! You've absolutely got it." and just on and on. Joe grins and wishes her a good day, and watches as she pays and leaves, then calls the next customer over.
"I don't know how you dealt with that woman. You didn't even get mad! But, you've gotta tell me. How did you manage to get her color?"
"Oh, simple. I just repainted her original chip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90wd3v/a_fella_working_at_a_sherwinwilliams_store_has_a/
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[NSFW]Anal isn’t all that great..

In fact, sometimes it’s shitty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90wbnb/nsfwanal_isnt_all_that_great/
%
Mummy can I wear a bra now that I’m sixteen?

No, David.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90w9tv/mummy_can_i_wear_a_bra_now_that_im_sixteen/
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I cancelled my doctor's appointment recently

I was disappointed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90w92y/i_cancelled_my_doctors_appointment_recently/
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What do you call a rap group of North Korean defectors?

Run-DMZ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90w5nz/what_do_you_call_a_rap_group_of_north_korean/
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The ultimate restaurant

A restaurant has a sign hanging outside that states " Order absolutely anything and if we cant serve it to you, you get $500". A guy walking past sees this, intrigued, he enters and asks the concierge "So if I order absolutely anything and you dont have it, I get $500...and I can order absoultely anything? " "That is correct sir" replied the concierge. He sits at a table, the waiter asks for his order and he says "I would like an extinct Dodo egg omelette". The waiter walks back to the kitchen with his order and the guy confidently sits back in his chair and thinks "This is the easiest $500 I have ever made!" 20 minutes later his extinct Dodo omelette is served, accompanied by a genuine authentification certificate proving that indeed it came from an extinct Dodo. He ate it, and left, feeling a bit disgruntled that he didnt get his $500. He returned the following day, sat down and asks the waiter " I would like a Loch Ness monster steak, with a side order of Himalayian Yeti fries, washed down with a glass of  2000 year old wine made from water by Jesus himself." He is almost spending his £500 in his head when 30 minutes later the waiter returns with his order exactly as he ordered, each with an authentification certificate proving that all were genuine. Totally astonished he ate and asked for the bill. When the waiter came he asked "Im stunned by this place, but please tell me, has anyone ever ordered anything that you didnt have?" "Only once" said the waiter, "About a year ago a guy came in and asked for mermaids tits on toast, and we ran out of bread"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90w45k/the_ultimate_restaurant/
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Adam and Eve just had sex for the first time...

God comes down to Eden to check on them. He finds Adam, hanging out in the bushes.
"How was it?" God asks.
"Amazing," Adam replies. "I can't fucking wait to do it again!"
"That is great!" says God. "I designed it specifically for you. But... where is Eve?"
Adam answers, "Oh, she's over there in the river, washing out."
Suddenly, there's fire and brimstone everywhere. Hell itself is raining upon Eden. God is *obviously* pissed.
"Why in the fucking hell would you let her do that!?! Now I'm never going to get the smell out of the fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vzg2/adam_and_eve_just_had_sex_for_the_first_time/
%
Why are frogs always happy?

They eat whatever bugs them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vz2p/why_are_frogs_always_happy/
%
A little boy walked up to his grandfather on the front porch...

He saw his grandpa drinking a beer and asked if he could try it. His grandpa asked him in return, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy thought about it for a second and replied with a hesitant, "No." "Then you ain't a man yet so get outta here!"
A couple days later her see his grandpa putting chewing tabacco in his lip and asked if he could try. His grandpa asked him again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy looked down and shook his head and his grandpa said "Then you ain't a man yet so get outta here!"
The next afternoon the little boy was sitting on the front porch eating some chocolate chip cookies when his grandpa walked up. "Let me have a couple of them cookies." The little boy looks up and asks the grandpa "Can your dick touch your asshole?" With a triumphant look in his eye the grandpa replied, "You're God damn right it can!"
The little boy looks right at him and says "Then go fuck yourself cause grandma made these for me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vwds/a_little_boy_walked_up_to_his_grandfather_on_the/
%
A man asks...!!

“God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vv12/a_man_asks/
%
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vroz/father_son_you_were_adopted/
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What does a 4 year old gender fluid child and a vegan cat have in common?

We both know who's making the decision...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vpe5/what_does_a_4_year_old_gender_fluid_child_and_a/
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A Bulgarian spy is caught by the Russian KGB.

They ask him what were the procedures of the Bulgarian agency. They torture him for two weeks but he tells them nothing. On a spy exchange he returns home and his comrades ask him what happened. He said "You'd better start learning the procedures or they'll beat the shit out of you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vo0a/a_bulgarian_spy_is_caught_by_the_russian_kgb/
%
"This is 911, what's your emergency?" the operator asked

"I tell the same damn joke over and over again", the man replied.
"That's not really a problem..." the operator said.
The man shouts "You hear that, /r/jokes? Now get off my case!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vmz8/this_is_911_whats_your_emergency_the_operator/
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What’s the Islamic equivalent of cafeteria Christianity?

Allah-cart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vlrl/whats_the_islamic_equivalent_of_cafeteria/
%
Charlie Kirk, Ayn Rand and Gary Johnson walk into a bar.

They all die of lead poisoning because there's no goverment to regulate how much lead the barman is allowed to put into his drinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vljp/charlie_kirk_ayn_rand_and_gary_johnson_walk_into/
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What do you call a pile of cats?

A Meow-ntain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vkp9/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_cats/
%
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vfkq/my_attractive_female_neighbor_is_completely/
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My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: turns in gun and badge
My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vdpm/my_boss_youre_fired/
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What do you call a fast escalator?

An escasooner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vczg/what_do_you_call_a_fast_escalator/
%
My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vcyj/my_friend_karen_and_i_visited_a_place_you_can/
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"You must be single....."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was Intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vcwf/you_must_be_single/
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A truck driver from Alabama who has been driving around the country for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Kansas City.

He walks straight up to the madam, drops $300 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich.”
The madam is astonished. “For that kind of money you could have one of my best girls and a three-course meal.”
The driver replies, “I’m not horny, I’m just homesick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vceq/a_truck_driver_from_alabama_who_has_been_driving/
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Two Kings Witness a Murder

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder. The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness account, the audience barely reacted, some even yawning! A Czech prince, full of indignation, demanded of a courtier, "Why are the people so bored with my father's speech?" The courtier replied, "Don't you know? These days you get no interest in a Czech King account."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90vcc7/two_kings_witness_a_murder/
%
Two weeks ago I got a job in a photographers dark room.

After an initial negative review, today my boss told me my talent is developing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90v8cx/two_weeks_ago_i_got_a_job_in_a_photographers_dark/
%
How long does an owl live

About six and a half books

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90v85d/how_long_does_an_owl_live/
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What’s the difference between a Lima Bean and a Chick Pea?

Donald Trump has never had a Lima Bean on his chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90v7py/whats_the_difference_between_a_lima_bean_and_a/
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Two hunters are tracking a deer when they stumble upon a deep hole...

They can’t see the bottom of this hole and were wanting to see how deep it went. One of the hunters found an anvil next to the hole and threw it down. They were waiting to hear the thud of the anvil hitting the ground but they didn’t hear anything. Suddenly, the hunters heard a charging sound. The hunters turned around and see a goat charging at them going at least 20 mph. They jump out of the way and barely dodge the charging goat. It fell into the hole. Walking away, somewhat distraught, they met a farmer walking around. The farmer asked if either of the hunters saw a goat around there.
One of the hunters said “ya, it charged right past me and I dodged it and the goat fell into the hole.”
“That’s weird,” said the farmer, “I tied him to an anvil.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90v1b8/two_hunters_are_tracking_a_deer_when_they_stumble/
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What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso
(Im bad at jokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90v0yg/what_do_you_call_a_sad_cup_of_coffee/
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I told the cashier to keep the change..

She told me I should take it if I want to talk to dead people, and she handed me six cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90uyzh/i_told_the_cashier_to_keep_the_change/
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What did the art thief's say when they jumped in the getaway vehicle after a heist?

Van Gogh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ure2/what_did_the_art_thiefs_say_when_they_jumped_in/
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Harley Davidson dies and goes to heaven...

He was met at the gate by saint Peter. He said to Harley your not suppose to be here, your supposed to be in hell. Harley said no I’m not I want to see the boss. Saint Peter takes Harley to see God. Harley says to God I’m suppose to be up here not in hell. Oh Harley you invented the motorbike, I’m an inventor too. I invented man and woman.
Harley said I know with the male you made the perfect model, with the female you made the inlet valve to close to the outlet valve.
God said maybe so but a lot more people rides my model than yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90uqel/harley_davidson_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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What course did the average Redditor fail in college?

Intercourse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90uq4m/what_course_did_the_average_redditor_fail_in/
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Jenny Craig for Men

I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. As promised.  I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
Stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life.  She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around Her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.  Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I
discover that I have lost 20 lbs. As promised.
So I decide to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... You're mine."
I lost 63 pounds that week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90uplf/jenny_craig_for_men/
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A politician, priest and scout duo are in a crashing plane....

There are only 2 parachutes left and they are arguing who gets them
Politician: I'm an important man with connections I can help alot of people
Priest: I help people of all ages with all sorts of problems. I can't help alot if people too
Scout: We are only children and have my whole life ahead of us. We sould get the parachutes.
Politician: You know what, fuck the kids.
Priest: Do we have time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ugzy/a_politician_priest_and_scout_duo_are_in_a/
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Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh....

*using Ouija board*
"hello, is there anyone there"
*Y*
*O*
*U*
*U*
*U*
*U*
"ah damnit this is a Soulja board*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ugom/ahhhhhhhhhhhhh/
%
A guy runs into a bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and shouts, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!" Puzzled, the teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber screams,  “Don’t change the subject!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ucc6/a_guy_runs_into_a_bank_pulls_out_a_gun_points_it/
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Making Fish Sticks

A young boy and his Mother are walking to school one day, when they come across two dogs going at it. Being at such a curious age, the boy asks his Mother what they were doing. Not wanting to ruin his innocence, she tells him that they are making Fish Sticks and they then continue on their journey.
Later that week, the boy is watching Animal Planet on tv with his Father and sees two lions going at it. The Father, noticing the puzzled look on his face, quickly changes the channel and tells the boy that the lions were hungry, so they were making some Fish Sticks.
That weekend, the boy awakens from a nightmare during his nap, and heads off to his parents room. Opening the door, he sees his Mother bolt upright, grabbing a sheet to cover their naked bodies with. The boy, getting angry, asks "you were making Fish Sticks and you already ate them didn't you?"
Pleased with the feeling that she's off the hook, the Mother replies "yes, I'm sorry we didn't save you any." Then, curiosity getting the better of her, and wanting to know that she was doing a good job as a parent, she asks him how he knew what they were doing.
His reply: "you still have tartar sauce on your mouth mom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90uc4k/making_fish_sticks/
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Someone broke into Alex Rodriguez's house and beat his wife with a pole.

Actually it was A Rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90uad9/someone_broke_into_alex_rodriguezs_house_and_beat/
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What did the constipated hot dog say?

Muuussttuurrrdd!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90u878/what_did_the_constipated_hot_dog_say/
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What’s Van Helsing’s favorite kind of restaurant?

A stakehouse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90u836/whats_van_helsings_favorite_kind_of_restaurant/
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The Bear, the Rabbit, and the Magic lamp

A bear was casing a rabbit though the woods to eat. During the case the two stumble over a magic lamp.
A Genie appeared to the both of them as said. "I will grant you each three wishes."
The bear went first, "I wish every other bear in the woods was female!" The genie waved his hand and *poof* all the other bears in the woods were female.
The rabbit went next, "I wish for a tiny motorcycle." *Poof* a rabbit sized motorcycle appeared
The bear scoffed at the rabbit and said, "I wish ever other bear in the country were female!" Again the genie waved his hand and *poof* every bear in the country was female.
The rabbit scratched his chin, "I wish for a bike helmet." *poof* A tiny helmet appeared on the rabbit.
"What a waste," the bear laughed, "I wish ever other bear in the world was female!" like before *poof* his wish was granted as the bear had the biggest smerk across his face.
The rabbit then looked the bear dead in the eyes and said, "I wish that bear was gay."
**edit**: Typon't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90u33t/the_bear_the_rabbit_and_the_magic_lamp/
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Did you hear the one about a guy on a tightrope?

There was this twenty-five year old guy walking a tightrope across a deep river gorge, while half way around the world another twenty-five year old guy was getting a blowjob from a seventy year old woman. At this exact moment both men were thinking the same thing...
.
.
.
.
Don't look down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90u05j/did_you_hear_the_one_about_a_guy_on_a_tightrope/
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Two nuns are cycling down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh....

"One says, "I've never come this way before."
The other says, "Me neither. It must be the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90txco/two_nuns_are_cycling_down_the_royal_mile_in/
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My friend told me he suffered from stage fright.

I told him he should try imagining his audience naked.  He seemed really eager to try that, thanked me and left.
A few minutes later, I realized he ran a puppet show for children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90twov/my_friend_told_me_he_suffered_from_stage_fright/
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I tried ayahuasca and saw my ancestors

My grandfather beat me with his belt because i did drugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90tsrc/i_tried_ayahuasca_and_saw_my_ancestors/
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Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn’t reply.

The comments were disabled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90trsg/someone_made_a_post_offending_handicapped_people/
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Why does Ivanka get on top?

Because Donald only fucks up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90tqjp/why_does_ivanka_get_on_top/
%
Why was 10 afraid?

He was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90tm0a/why_was_10_afraid/
%
The director of the "Guardians of the Galaxy" series will not be making the third part

I guess Disney really knows how to fire a Gunn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90tggs/the_director_of_the_guardians_of_the_galaxy/
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How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90tg5n/how_do_you_make_a_room_full_of_epileptics_go_nuts/
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Billy asks his mate Paddy what is quickest way from Dublin to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you going on foot or in the car?"
Billy replies: "In the car."
"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90tg3t/billy_asks_his_mate_paddy_what_is_quickest_way/
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“This is 911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked.

“I masturbate too much,” the man replied.
“Sir, that’s not really a problem,” the operator said.
The man shouted, “Did you hear that, Mom? Now get off my case.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90t4pg/this_is_911_whats_your_emergency_the_operator/
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“When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom,” a man told his buddy.

“Your dad showed you pictures of venereal diseases?” the friend asked.
“No,” the first said, “they were all pictures of me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90t28h/when_i_was_a_kid_my_dad_sat_me_down_and_showed_me/
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What do you call a transformer that believes things will work out fine?

Optimist Prime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90t21t/what_do_you_call_a_transformer_that_believes/
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The most annoying part about having my wife and daughter constantly wear a burqa, is the confusion.

Last night, I accidentally slept with my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90sz46/the_most_annoying_part_about_having_my_wife_and/
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
He replied, “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90swiq/a_man_and_his_wife_go_to_their_honeymoon_place/
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I once made a small hashtag out of glass...

It weighed a pound and was a little sharp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90suvm/i_once_made_a_small_hashtag_out_of_glass/
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'Police have announced that a psychic dwarf has escaped from custody.'

'They're looking for a small medium at large.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90sre1/police_have_announced_that_a_psychic_dwarf_has/
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How do they make Budweiser?

Send him to school!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90sown/how_do_they_make_budweiser/
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I really wish my five year old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a tree house in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…

Took me twenty years to grow that thing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90soow/i_really_wish_my_five_year_old_son_would_make_up/
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In Spider-Man, I always considered Harry's father an ally..

A shame he ended up as Dafoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90smcv/in_spiderman_i_always_considered_harrys_father_an/
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It was a wonderful morning and Trump stepped out ..

Of the White House to feel the warm sunshine on his face. He noticed something written on the wall and moved closer. There it was, someone had pissed the words, "Trump Sucks" on the garden wall. Furious, Trump called up the CIA, NSA, EPA, the DC police and demanded that the culprit be found and brought to swift justice at no expense spared.
USA's finest wanted no time. By the afternoon,  they had an answer and called a meeting at the oval office to discuss results. MR. President, we have good news and bad news. The good news is that through DNA analysis, we have determined that the urine belongs to Joe Biden. Trump was ecstatic, jumping up and down on the oval office chair like a lil orange buffoon. He reached out to his phone to Tweet away any chance Biden had in 2020. The secret service snatched the phone away from. Sir, you have to listen to the full report. Trump said,  whatevaa whatevaa, nothing can be bad when I got proof that Biden is a garden pisser, but anywho, what is the bad news?
Mr. President, the handwriting is Melania's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90sltd/it_was_a_wonderful_morning_and_trump_stepped_out/
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President Trump and Pope Francis on a cruise

President Trump and Pope Francis happen to run into each other while on an international cruise. It was quite a windy day out of the sea when the Popes hat flew off the ship and into the sea. President Trump immediately climbs overboard to fetch the Popes hat. In astonishment, the Pope looks overboard to see what just happened. He cannot believe what he sees. President Trump is not swimming, but walking on the water over to his hat. President Trump comes back to the Pope with the hat while he remained dry.
The media the next day came out with the following headline...
BREAKING NEWS: PRESIDENT TRUMP CAN NOT SWIM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90sjxg/president_trump_and_pope_francis_on_a_cruise/
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There are 3 rings in marriage

An engagement ring, a wedding ring and suffering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90siog/there_are_3_rings_in_marriage/
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"Theres an elephant in the room!" exclaimed my friend by surprise

"Don't mention it" I said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90sgt9/theres_an_elephant_in_the_room_exclaimed_my/
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Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”
“Vladimir Putin”
“Country of Origin?”
“Russia”
“Occupation?”
“No, no. Just visiting.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90s98q/vladimir_putin_travels_to_an_eastern_european/
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If a stripper wiggled her butt in my face i wouldn't give her a dollar.

I don't give money to bums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90s6fk/if_a_stripper_wiggled_her_butt_in_my_face_i/
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1937 in Moscow

Moscow. The year is 1937. At around 3 am, a man wakes up to the sound of the door being broken down and he goes to inspect it. He returns to the bedroom where his wife is trembling and crying. "Don't worry my dear, it's just burglars!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90s678/1937_in_moscow/
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What do you call a fireman who lost his job?

A Firedfighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90s1jj/what_do_you_call_a_fireman_who_lost_his_job/
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How many Southerners does it take to change a light bulb?

300. One to actually change it and the rest of them to talk about how “good” the old one was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ryul/how_many_southerners_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior.

He was considered to be a danger to himself and udders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90rx0r/my_friend_got_fired_from_his_cow_milking_job/
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I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.

I would never armadillo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90rkf6/i_like_dillos_but_do_not_support_giving_them_guns/
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Why does the Nintendo switch come with a dock?

Because of all the ports
(Told to me by my wife)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90rgrn/why_does_the_nintendo_switch_come_with_a_dock/
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If I had a dollar for every person complaining about reposts in this sub

Warren Buffet would look up to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90rgjc/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_person_complaining/
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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90rfns/what_do_alexander_the_great_and_winnie_the_pooh/
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What did the pervert say to the aviarist?

Nice tits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90reoc/what_did_the_pervert_say_to_the_aviarist/
%
In this day and age, keeping a paper thesaurus around the house is as useless as....

Um....as useless.....as.....um.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90rc30/in_this_day_and_age_keeping_a_paper_thesaurus/
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What's the difference between in incel and an egg?

An egg is usually laid before it cracks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90rbo8/whats_the_difference_between_in_incel_and_an_egg/
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There’s only two kinds of dogs in the world...

Bitches and sons of bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90r6i5/theres_only_two_kinds_of_dogs_in_the_world/
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I originally wasn't thrilled at my girlfriend's idea for me to have a beard...

But it's growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90r0dj/i_originally_wasnt_thrilled_at_my_girlfriends/
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What did Richard Nixon say when he bumped into Gerald Ford?

Pardon me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90qvaw/what_did_richard_nixon_say_when_he_bumped_into/
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There are 3 Spies that get captured.

One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90quim/there_are_3_spies_that_get_captured/
%
Three supermodels are on a plane that’s going down over the Atlantic Ocean

While they’re putting on their life preservers, they start talking about what they’re going to wear.
The white woman says “I’m going to wear my hot pink bikini, because when they rescue us they’ll easily be able to see it and hot pink really accentuates my features.”
The Hispanic woman says “I’m going to wear my bright yellow bikini because it really brings out my eyes and it’s much more visible than hot pink is so I’ll be rescued first.”
The black woman says “I’m going to go naked”
Perplexed, the other two ask why.
She answers “because in a plane crash the first thing they look for is the little black box!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90qt5q/three_supermodels_are_on_a_plane_thats_going_down/
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I am a psyicician specializing in growth hormone deficiencies. I had planned to present an exhaustive list of the conditions and syndromes that I treat but I couldn't wait to post this...

I have little patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90qs7t/i_am_a_psyicician_specializing_in_growth_hormone/
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A limbless woman sits in a wheelchair on a boardwalk with a sign around her neck that says "Ask how you can help me"

She sits there patiently as people stare as they walk by and it takes a good 30 minutes before a man walks up and asks "how can I help you?". She says to the man "I've never been hugged before, will you hug me?" With a smile on his face, the man gives her an amazing hug and continues on his way.
After seeing this, the next man walks up and asks "how can I help you?". The limbless woman replies "I've never been kissed before, will you kiss me?" Taken back a bit, the man smiles, leans in, and gives her a modest 3 second kiss on the lips and walks away.
Feeling confident enough, when the next man asks she says "I've never been fucked before, will you fuck me?" The man stares at her for a minute, picks her up, carries her to the beach and throws her into the ocean. As she floats away he yells "YOU'RE FUCKED NOW AIN'T YA"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90qpqu/a_limbless_woman_sits_in_a_wheelchair_on_a/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me this generation sucks

Then I could afford a house in this economy which they've ruined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90qpgr/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
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Two fish are in a tank

Then one of them turns to the other and asks, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90qo7g/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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I started taking fish out of Kansas City and bringing them into Kansas. The local vegans and fishermen got mad at me.

I said, “What, I’m just putting them out of their Missouri”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90qn8i/i_started_taking_fish_out_of_kansas_city_and/
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They lifted their blades in one last final assualt...

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. Wielding naught but rags and broken tools after their endless nightmare, they saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.
One last dance into the fires of hades' blistering blood would have them claim victory, or critical defeat.
With their dwindling energy they let out another strained cry of battle, and lifted their chipped blades, charging nearly head first, destined to win and die or die trying.
They drew their last breaths shortly after the descent however, as the final line proved too brutal for their heavily torn souls.
They slipped from the elbows of war, and plunged hard into the revolting, fetid water beneath them.
This is the last time I wear long sleeves while doing dishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90qn87/they_lifted_their_blades_in_one_last_final_assualt/
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Aliens and Humans

"Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90qix1/aliens_and_humans/
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You're It!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to be it, so he closes his eyes and starts counting, “Eins, zwei, drei…” Pascal runs off and hides under a big bush. Newton runs over to a nearby driveway, takes out some chalk, and draws a box around him that is one meter long on all four sides. As soon as Einstein opens his eyes, he sees Newton and says, “What are you doing? I found you immediately, Newton!”
Newton says, “Nah-ah! I am one Newton per square meter, so I’m actually Pascal!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90qihh/youre_it/
%
Did you know that bats aren't actually blind?

That's why they are so good at hitting baseballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90qi3a/did_you_know_that_bats_arent_actually_blind/
%
A man walks into a costume party wearing nothing but a pair of blue jeans.

The host looks at him and says "what are you supposed to be? "
"I'm a premature ejaculation" says the guest.
"Well how come you're not wearing a shirt, or a pair of shoes, or anything else? "
To which the guest replied, " I just came in my pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90qg6q/a_man_walks_into_a_costume_party_wearing_nothing/
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Obama, Oprah, Trump and a little girl are on a plane. The engines fail...

... the pilots have already parachuted out the plane. The four mentioned are the only ones remaining on the plane. But there are only three parachutes.
Oprah quickly steps forward and says to the little girl; "I'm taking a parachute. I'll build a school for girls in your honour, it'll benefit thousands of little girls like you." She jumped out.
Trump clumsily boulders forward "Give me a parachute! Unless you hadn't noticed I'm the president of the goddamn United States!" He jumps out the plane.
Obama looks at the little girl; "Children are our future. You should have the last parachute."
Little girl replies; "No, we're good, there are two parachutes remaining. Trump took my school bag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90qdtf/obama_oprah_trump_and_a_little_girl_are_on_a/
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How is Bud Light similar to having sex in a canoe?

They're both fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90qcnx/how_is_bud_light_similar_to_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
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The last four presidents of the USA each ran one mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56
Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31
Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03
But Bush did 9:11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90q4o8/the_last_four_presidents_of_the_usa_each_ran_one/
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T’challa is so weird...

Like really Wakanda name is that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90q4hy/tchalla_is_so_weird/
%
The seven dwarves went to the Vatican.

When the Pope answered the door, Dopey steps forward :  "Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No Dopey, there are none," the Pope replied
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persisted
"No none in Italy". The Pope answered more sternly
A few of the dwarfs begin to laugh
"Well are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
This time the Pope was more firm
"Dopey, there no dwarf nuns in Europe"
By this time all the dwarfs are laughing aloud and rolling around on the ground.
"Pope," Dopey demanded "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope snapped. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
Whereupon the six dwarfs started jumping up and down chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin!  Dopey fucked a penguin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90q3p7/the_seven_dwarves_went_to_the_vatican/
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A guy walks past a girl at a bar and says "I'd give you one!"

The girl turns to the guy and says, "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth!"
The guy replies "I was giving you a rating out of 10"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90pxmr/a_guy_walks_past_a_girl_at_a_bar_and_says_id_give/
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Sometimes my girlfriend takes her sleeping pill, passes out and initiates sex.

We call it the reverse Cosby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90pxiv/sometimes_my_girlfriend_takes_her_sleeping_pill/
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Why did the Sheep run off the cliff?

He didn't see the ewe turn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ptvp/why_did_the_sheep_run_off_the_cliff/
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Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ptjz/donald_trump_and_barack_obama_ended_up_at_the/
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The Ferrari and the Moped

A man saves up his entire life to buy a ferrari. He goes to the dealership and chooses a red one. As he pulls out of the parking lot he comes to a red light. As he is waiting for the light to change he sees a fat kid pull up next to him on a moped. The kid grins at him showing his puffy cheeks and splotches of acne. He seems to be busting out of his clothes as they seem too small.
The old man sneers at the kid and thinks, Let me show him what this baby can do!
The light turns green and VROOM! The man amazes himself at how well he works the gears. As he puts it into 4th, he sees his speedometer hit 120 mph!
It is at this point he hears a peculiar high pitched whirring noise.
Wheeeeeerrrrrooooom! The kid on the moped goes squealing past him like he is standing still!
The man is shocked. He has to hit the brakes pretty hard because of another stoplight ahead. As he approaches the stoplight, he notices the pudgy kid on the moped waiting as well. He looks over at the kid, wide eyed and breathing heavy. "I'll show this kid!"
The light turns green and you can hear the engine of the Ferrari roar loudly as the man shifts through the gears until he reaches 5th. He glances at the speedometer and it reads 165 mph! It seems as the entire world is in fast forward as the man speeds down the road.
It is at this point, once again, he hears a peculiar high pitched whirring noise.
Wheeeeeerrrrrooooom! The kid on the moped goes squealing past him. This time the kid is moving so fast he is just a blur of acne and tight fitting clothes.
Up ahead the man notices another stoplight. He hits his brakes and stops just short of the line. The man turns off the Ferrari, opens the door and steps out. He looks at the kid on the moped and walks over to him.
"I cant believe this. Your moped is blowing my Ferrari away. What do you got for an engine on that thing?" asks the man.
The kid looks over to him wide eyed and sweating, "Mister I will tell you anything you want to know. Just help me unhook my suspenders from your bumper!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90prlx/the_ferrari_and_the_moped/
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Robert died...

He was working on the local brewery and fell inside the beer tank, drowning. It is believed he didn't suffer as  footage shows him leaving the tank twice to take a leak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ppva/robert_died/
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The janitor lady in our apartment building wanted me to hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.

I tend to avoid high maintenance women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90pp7a/the_janitor_lady_in_our_apartment_building_wanted/
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A blonde is looking for a job

On the first day she applied for a clerk in a business firm and had an interview. When she's finished the manager said,"I'm afraid you're not capable of the duty."
On the second day she applied for the McDonald's and had an interview. The manager kicked her out and said,"you dumb get lost."
Her friends laughed at her and don't think she would ever get a job.
On the third day she proudly announced to her friends that she earned a job at a research centre. Everyone was amazed, asked"what research centre?"
The blonde smiled and and answered with great confidence,"a human intellgence research centre."
"What is your post then?"
"The research subject."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ph0g/a_blonde_is_looking_for_a_job/
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Did you hear what happened to the joke about the ozone layer?

[depleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90pg0t/did_you_hear_what_happened_to_the_joke_about_the/
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Why do blondes like BMW's over Chevrolet's?

They can spell BMW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90pcyr/why_do_blondes_like_bmws_over_chevrolets/
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It''s so hard to enjoy the simple country games we enjoyed as rednecks in today's society. Take, for instance, catching a greased pig. We got arrested for it even though we were on our own farm and not hurtin' nobody.

For you city slickers that have never had to slaughter farm animals the 'sport' came from a bunch of bored farm boys told to slaughter a pig for bacon, ham, chops, etc...
Everyone today is used to going to the store and not havint' actually see their food killed, so these overly sensitive people get very upset when reality pops their fantasy bubble.
Anyhow, you get a bunch of bored farm boys and a pig and some grease and give the pig a fighting chance to avoid being slaughtered.  It's great fun with lots of squealing, you get covered in dirt and grease and it's damned hard to catch that little fucker.
Anyhow, the cops show up and just start arrestin' all of us and we was just havin' a little fun on a hot summer day.  They said we was breakin' the law.  Fuckin' animal rights activists ruin everything.
Also, apparently, we can't call retarded Susie a 'pig' just cause she's nekkid and has a tail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90p9qy/its_so_hard_to_enjoy_the_simple_country_games_we/
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Most people are shocked

when they find out how bad an electrician I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90p617/most_people_are_shocked/
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The killer panda

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders food, eats it, shoots the waiter, and begins to walk out. The bartender yells to him, "You can't do that!" The panda bear replies, "It's in the dictionary."
So they look up panda in the dictionary, and it says, "Panda: eats shoot and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ozyv/the_killer_panda/
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I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90oyyv/ive_been_calibrating_my_new_device_which_measures/
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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she has missed her period for 1 month. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You. Fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ows5/an_18_year_old_girl_tells_her_mom_she_has_missed/
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"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ovxy/jesus_loves_you_is_a_wonderful_thing_to_hear_in/
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Why do they eat snail in France?

Because they don’t have fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ot3i/why_do_they_eat_snail_in_france/
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Never play cards with big cats...

... They're all Cheetahs and Lions!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90osln/never_play_cards_with_big_cats/
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A worm crawls out of a bowl of spaghetti.

He says, "that was one hell of an orgy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90oqh9/a_worm_crawls_out_of_a_bowl_of_spaghetti/
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Little Johnny

was late into class one morning & the teacher asked "And what have you been doing to be so late Johnny?"
"I've been shoving fireworks in the arse of frogs miss!"
"Johnny, it's rectum"
"To right it wrecked-em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90oose/little_johnny/
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What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90oobn/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
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I used to be a phone sex operator,

But I got hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90onoi/i_used_to_be_a_phone_sex_operator/
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I lost my job as a stage designer.

I left without making a scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90oizy/i_lost_my_job_as_a_stage_designer/
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You ever hear the one about the nocturnal horse?

It was a nightmare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90oih1/you_ever_hear_the_one_about_the_nocturnal_horse/
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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Basketball Court?

He heard the referee was blowing fowls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ogew/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_basketball_court/
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God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"

Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."
Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good,” says God. "You shall sit to my left."
Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"
Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90oeib/god_asks_bush_what_do_you_believe_in/
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One class D personnel from SCP foundation walks into a bar.

\[DATA EXPUNGED\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90odp4/one_class_d_personnel_from_scp_foundation_walks/
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A weddit modewator wecently moved in next door to us. Wewanted to like him but he's a wacist and a pwick. Wecouldn't stand him any longer. Here's what wedid.

[Wemoved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90od54/a_weddit_modewator_wecently_moved_in_next_door_to/
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A priest is playing golf and he’s having a rough patch...

...until he gets to hole 5. When he hears a voice saying use the 7 iron. He looks down and sees a frog. The frog says use the 7 iron. The priest thinks fuck it... uses the 7 iron and gets a hole in one. He picks up the frog and listens to its instructions and plays the best game of his life. He says to the frog that he'll never be able to repay the frog.
The frog says I'm even better at blackjack let's go to Vegas and I'll show you. The priest thinks fuck it we'll see what happens. Goes to Vegas and sure enough listens to the frog and wins every single time.
He becomes a billionaire. He books a penthouse and plans to go to bed. He places the frog in the sink in the bathroom. He hasn't even got any clothes because he travelled on a whim and went straight to the casino. So he gets into bed naked.
The frog says it's lonely in here can I come into the room. The priest thinks he made me rich so yeah why not. The man puts the frog on the bedside table.
Mr it's still lonely can I sleep on the bed. Ok bit weird but made him rich so puts the frog on the pillow.
Mr can I get a kiss goodnight. The priest is a bit freaked out but the frog made him rich so he kisses the frog and in a flash of smoke the frog turns into a cute 12 year old boy.
‘And that's the Gods honest truth officer’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ocx4/a_priest_is_playing_golf_and_hes_having_a_rough/
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What do you call a fat woman with a rape whistle?

Optimistic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ocwx/what_do_you_call_a_fat_woman_with_a_rape_whistle/
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My father beat me at dominoes yesterday.

He said, “I’m the only one who chooses pizza toppings.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90o9t9/my_father_beat_me_at_dominoes_yesterday/
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Two Irishmen were walking down a street in London.

Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive!"
Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are. Suits £10, Shirts £4, Trousers £5, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin, so we would."
Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're going to export them and make our fortune, so he won't."
Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't."
"OK", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."
So the two go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best English accent: *"Alwight mate, I'll 'ave 20 of yer suits, 20 shirts and 20 pairs of trousers please."*
Upon hearing this request, the owner smiles and says, "You boys are Irish aren't you?"
Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if that ain't me best English accent? How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"
The owner replied, "Because this is a Dry Cleaners."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90o8g4/two_irishmen_were_walking_down_a_street_in_london/
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I took my wife to the beach today and now she’s mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.

After all, I could’ve sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90o7km/i_took_my_wife_to_the_beach_today_and_now_shes/
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Which went up to sing karaoke, rock, paper, or scissors?

Rock.  He was Boulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90o6eb/which_went_up_to_sing_karaoke_rock_paper_or/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90o3pq/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Whom Do You Trust?

A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were. The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive.
"Hell, " says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90o2sz/whom_do_you_trust/
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Donald Trump, Enrique Peña Nieto and Vladimir puttin are travelling in a helicopter for a top secret meeting when

Suddenly Vladimir Putin throws his beautiful secretary out of the helicopter.
Others:- Why did you do that?
Vladimir Putin :- too many beautiful women in our country
Then,Enrique Peña Nieto throws his tequila out
Others :- Why?
Enrique Peña Nieto :- Too much tequila in our country.
Donald Trump being anxious, throws Enrique Peña Nieto and exclaims"Too many Mexicans!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90nzpp/donald_trump_enrique_peña_nieto_and_vladimir/
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Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.
"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."
He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.
"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidentally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90nufr/trump_wakes_up_goes_to_the_garden_and_starts/
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I was on my bed, relaxing and eating popcorn, when I noticed my pillow was missing it's pillowcase.

I started looking for it in the darkness of my room(I still had a little bit of light). I saw a blanket-ish shadow in my peripheral vision. I reached for it, thinking it was the pillowcase. However, after pressing down on it and hearing the loud, crinkly noise of a near-empty bag of popcorn, I soon realized that was...
...not the case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90nu1f/i_was_on_my_bed_relaxing_and_eating_popcorn_when/
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A man is lost in the desert without food and water

Over a dune, he sees a cave. Delighted, he rushes in, seeking shelter from the scorching sun. As his eyes acclimate to the cave’s light, he sees a pedestal surrounded by light deep in the cave. Upon the pedestal lies a slice of peanut butter toast. The man rushes towards the slice, but 1/3rd of the way, he hears a voice:
“Don’t”.
The man stops, shakes the voice off as nothing but a hallucination, and carries onward. 2/3rd of the way, he hears the voice again:
“Don’t”.
The man ignores the voice and runs towards the slice. He gets to the pedestal, reaches for the slice and eats it in one big bite. Suddenly, the voice rings out:
“ I warned you once, I warned you twice, I wiped my ass with that peanut butter slice”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90nqvr/a_man_is_lost_in_the_desert_without_food_and_water/
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How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat?

When she starts to fit into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90nql8/how_do_you_know_when_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
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The news said that the Thai boys trapped in the cave system had no idea about the world outside following the happenings of the rescue, so I guess you could say that....

They were in the dark about their situation!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90nq6q/the_news_said_that_the_thai_boys_trapped_in_the/
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A lady went into a bar and saw a man with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The man grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you"...?
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a £100. Blushing, he said, "Well, thanks, miss I'm really flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before".....
She said, "Don't be flattered take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit".....!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90nk3k/a_lady_went_into_a_bar_and_saw_a_man_with_his/
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What do you call a short Mexican?

A paragraph, because he’s too short to be an essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90nf1b/what_do_you_call_a_short_mexican/
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Possible original joke my dad would always tell me that cracked me up

Chad (my dad) is walking down the street to the gas station to get a drink, when he gets hit by a car. He awakens to see an angel in front of him. "Hello, Chad. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you were struck by a car, and have been brought to Heaven. I'm here to bring you to God for judgement." They begin to walk towards God. Chad is puzzled, there's clocks everywhere, but none of them are actually keeping time. Some are moving, some are staying still. Chad asks the angel "What's up with all these clocks?" The angel answers "It's how we measure your sins. If the hour hand moves all the way around one full time, you go to hell. Everyone has a clock. To be honest, most of the movement you see on the clocks right now is just from people masturbating." "Really? That's weird. Where's my son's?" "Austin? His clock is on God's desk. He's using it as a fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90nbag/possible_original_joke_my_dad_would_always_tell/
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What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job?

Ones a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90nb4r/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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Little Johnny riding his trike

Little Johnny is riding around the house on his trike when he pulls up to his mom in the kitchen, cooking dinner
LJ: mom, can I have some M&M’S?
M: Sure honey they’re on the table.
Little Johnny eats a handful of M&M’S, rides over to the cat, jumps off the trike and bites the cat. Little Johnny’s mom thinks “what the hell?”
Later, little Johnny rides back over to his mom
LJ: mom, can I have some more M&M’S?
M: Sure honey, you know where they are.
Little Johnny eats another handful of M&M’S, rides over to the cat, jumps off the trike and bites the cat again. Little Johnny’s mom thinks “what the fuck is he doing?”
Later, little Johnny rides back over to his mom
LJ: mom, can I have some more M&M’S?
M: Sure honey, don’t spoil your appetite
Little Johnny eats the M&M’S, rides over the the cat, jumps off and bites the cat. His mom rushes over, scooping him up
M: what in the hell are you doing?
LJ: oh that’s easy mom, I’m playing trucker. I’m popping pills, eating pussy, and hitting the road

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90na4c/little_johnny_riding_his_trike/
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What's a prostitutes favorite soda?

Mount-and-do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90na3b/whats_a_prostitutes_favorite_soda/
%
How do you get a Ford to stop?

Shoot the guy pushing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90n7eb/how_do_you_get_a_ford_to_stop/
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If you shred a cheap cheese...

Is it degrading?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90n3ts/if_you_shred_a_cheap_cheese/
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I have proof Jesus was a black man...

He loved Gospel, he called everyone 'Brother', and he couldn't get a fair trial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90n21u/i_have_proof_jesus_was_a_black_man/
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A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.
“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”
“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”
“How about this, if we don’t know the answer, we’ll give each other $5?”
The blonde woman shakes her head.
“How about you give me $5 if you don’t know the answer and I give you $500 if I don’t know the answer.”
The blonde woman shrugs, “Alright.”
“What countries neighbor Tajikistan?”
The woman gives him $5 and he laughs.
“What has 12 legs at birth but loses 1 every time it rains?”
The lawyer looks at her with a confused expression. He repeats the question to himself multiple times and starts to look it up on the internet. The woman goes back to reading while the lawyer reads every single website he could find. He spent hours searching and started calling friends and family members to see if they knew. Eventually, his flight arrived. The lawyer sighed in defeat and handed the woman $500. She smiled and took his money.
“So what’s the answer?”
She gave him $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90n1h8/a_lawyer_is_at_an_airport_and_starts_feeling/
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It would be fun to play video games with Jesus at first....

But then it would take him 3 days to respawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90mz3m/it_would_be_fun_to_play_video_games_with_jesus_at/
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A man looks around the football stadium to find a good seat. He sees a man sitting next to an empty seat in the front row. He walks up to the man.

“Hello, I need a seat, is this one taken?”
“Not anymore, it’s was suppose to be my wife’s.”
“Why isn’t she here?”
“She died.”
“I’m sorry for your loss but why not give the seat to another family member or friend?”
“They’re all at her funeral.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90my5f/a_man_looks_around_the_football_stadium_to_find_a/
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I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers

It was cracka-lackin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90mwqj/i_hosted_an_amazing_party_we_had_tons_of_cheese/
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An oldie but a goody. NSFW

A pretty young lady walking down the street notices a limousine on the side of the road. The chauffeur is trying to wrangle a flat tyre off the vehicle.
Fascinated she stops to watch. The chauffeur is having a hard time and no apparent luck in getting this tyre off.
She looks into his toolbox and makes a helpful suggestion to him. "would you like a screwdriver?".
He turns around looks her up and down and replies.
"Might as well I am not going to get this fucking tyre off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90mu09/an_oldie_but_a_goody_nsfw/
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A man was driving at 96 mph in a 70 mph zone when a cop pulls him over. As the officer gets to the window he says "license and registration sir." And the man replies with "I don't have a license or registration. I'm just delivering these drugs in the back."

The police officer is dumbfounded and calls in for backup. The k-9 unit shows up along with at least 5 other cruisers and the police chief. After a lengthy searching from officers and their drug dogs, nothing is ever found. The chief walks over to the man and says "Son there aren't any drugs in this car." In which the man replied with "Well, okay then. Here's my license and registration by the way." Now the police chief is clearly confused. He pauses before saying "Now son my deputy said you didn't have either of those." The man perks up and proudly boasts "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I I was driving 96 mph too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90mtvd/a_man_was_driving_at_96_mph_in_a_70_mph_zone_when/
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A man gets out of the shower flaunting his nakedness to his wife.

While he is walking towards her in all his glory he asks “what would people think if I went out on the street like this?”
“People would think I married you for your money”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90mryw/a_man_gets_out_of_the_shower_flaunting_his/
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What's the difference between a cheetah and a comma?

A cheetah has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90mnpt/whats_the_difference_between_a_cheetah_and_a_comma/
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I just stole a kitchen utensil

It was a whisk worth taking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ml1n/i_just_stole_a_kitchen_utensil/
%
Have you ever watched a German sausage go bad?

It goes from brat to wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90mjbp/have_you_ever_watched_a_german_sausage_go_bad/
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How do you drown a hipster?

Throw him in the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90mhf2/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
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What does a bee do when it's hot?

Take off its yellow jacket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90mh10/what_does_a_bee_do_when_its_hot/
%
Husband and wife are driving on a highway...

“Honey be careful!” There’s been news of a crazy lunatic driving in the wrong direction on the highway!”
“There’s not just one, there are hundreds!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90mecu/husband_and_wife_are_driving_on_a_highway/
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There was an attack on a commoner's tea shop yesterday.

There were 24 casual teas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90mbf4/there_was_an_attack_on_a_commoners_tea_shop/
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If I ever go missing..

You should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90m86r/if_i_ever_go_missing/
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What do you call a penis wrapped around a potato?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90m6j6/what_do_you_call_a_penis_wrapped_around_a_potato/
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Rest in peace boiling water,

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90m2b1/rest_in_peace_boiling_water/
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Who knew that learning Morse Code would change my life forever?

Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90m1ea/who_knew_that_learning_morse_code_would_change_my/
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Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher....

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
"That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90m1dt/little_johnny_walks_into_school_one_day_to_find_a/
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How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 17, cause my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90lvpx/how_many_dead_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Two Aliens

2 aliens are talking in outer space, looking down on Earth.
"It seems the inhabitants of planet Earth have created nuclear technology and missiles" says one alien
"are they showing signs of intelligence?" asks the other
"I dont think so. They seem to be aiming at themselves"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90lv6o/two_aliens/
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What do you call a depressed country in the Middle East

Sadi Arabia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90lt6h/what_do_you_call_a_depressed_country_in_the/
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A Spanish magician told the crowd he'll make himself vanish on the count of 3. He goes "Uno, dos...

And *Poof*..... He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90lsnb/a_spanish_magician_told_the_crowd_hell_make/
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How do you get your grandparents to stop saying your life depends on technology?

Reply, “No, u.” as you reach for the plug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90lpxi/how_do_you_get_your_grandparents_to_stop_saying/
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert

After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,
you dumb ass. It tell me someone stolen tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90lpmu/the_lone_ranger_and_tonto_went_camping_in_the/
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A cop pulls over a speeder

"Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks.
"130 km/h" the man answers
"why were you going 30 over the limit?" the cop asks, surprised the man admitted to speeding.
"I was keeping up with traffic!"
The officer looks up and down the road. "there's no other cars!"
"I know" says the man, "that's how far behind I am!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90lpdw/a_cop_pulls_over_a_speeder/
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Ghandi was a what?

So we all know how Ghandi was a wonderful person and a pioneer in the non violent protest movement.  But there are some facets of his  life that add up to a very rare diagnosis.
First of all, he walked everywhere barefoot which made his feet very tough.
Secondly his diet was completely void of calcium sources which led to osteoporosis.
He was also a very spiritual man., and some might say he had supernatural powers.
Lastly, and probably the least known trivia about him was he abhorred brushing his teeth.
When his attending physician was asked for a summary of his health,  the answer was none too obvious.
—-
“He’s a super calloused fragile mystic with nasty halitosis.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90loph/ghandi_was_a_what/
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Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows?

[remooved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90lgkz/did_you_hear_about_what_happened_to_the_really/
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The Republicans keep saying we need more Jesus in our country.

So why they want to build a wall to keep them all out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90lexd/the_republicans_keep_saying_we_need_more_jesus_in/
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A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office

Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.
The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."
The doctor says in reply "How do you suppose that would happen?"
"I'm sure it had something to do with those vaccines he got last year." said the mom.
"Ah-ha! That's it!" said the doctor.
"The vaccines caused it?"
"No, it's genetic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90lapa/a_mother_and_a_son_walk_into_a_doctors_office/
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What do you call a female pickle?

A dill-doe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90l6io/what_do_you_call_a_female_pickle/
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A book just fell on my head....

I guess I've only got my shelf to blame...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90l6fp/a_book_just_fell_on_my_head/
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A man meets a woman at a bar and invites her back to his place...

She says "I'm on my menstrual cycle".
He replies "Perfect! You can follow me on my mountain bike".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90l3yl/a_man_meets_a_woman_at_a_bar_and_invites_her_back/
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A lizard in the jungle is trying to get high...

So he walks around looking for some pot. Suddenly he catches a whiff of some dank. So he follows the smell to a tree where he sees a monkey getting stoned.
He shouts "Hey monkey, you mind if I smoke some of your weed with you?"
Monkey says "sure come on up lizard I'll smoke you out"
They start smoking and sure enough lizard has had enough and says to monkey "daaamn monkey that was some good weed but my mouth is really dry, you got something I can drink?"
Monkey says "no but there's a stream outback you can drink from."
So lizard climbs down and heads to the stream and starts drinking some water when an alligator swims by and noticed the lizard
Alligator says to lizard "damn bro you look high as hell, you got some weed?"
Lizard says "nah bro but if you go over there to that tree, monkey will share some weed with you"
So alligator walks over to the tree and bangs his tail on the tree to call for monkey.
Monkey looks down and says "daaaaaamn lizard, how much water did you drink!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90l3u9/a_lizard_in_the_jungle_is_trying_to_get_high/
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Why are vegans so angry all the time?

Because they can't have any pudding.
*(You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kzz5/why_are_vegans_so_angry_all_the_time/
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An Elf, an Orc, and a Dragonborn walk into a bar...

There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kzk9/an_elf_an_orc_and_a_dragonborn_walk_into_a_bar/
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A group of people were forced to enumerate numbers, but one of them didn't participate. "Why doesn't he have to do this?" asked one of the members.

"Well he doesn't count."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kw1t/a_group_of_people_were_forced_to_enumerate/
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A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.

Baa dum hiss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kuit/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
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Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kq41/some_species_of_frog_can_jump_higher_than_a/
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Shout out to the people

Who ask what's the opposite of in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kovl/shout_out_to_the_people/
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What’s the difference between a music major and two large pizzas?

The pizzas can feed a family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kotx/whats_the_difference_between_a_music_major_and/
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Blonde joke #3

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kmx7/blonde_joke_3/
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I met my wife on Tinder

About a year *after we got married*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kmfs/i_met_my_wife_on_tinder/
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Two lesbians interested in each other are sitting at a bar...

The one says to the other: “let me be frank.”
The other interrupts, saying: “no, let ME be Frank.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kk49/two_lesbians_interested_in_each_other_are_sitting/
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Did you hear about the Vietnamese man who won the lottery and was reunited with his lost dog on the very same day?

It was a Nguyen- Nguyen situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kgox/did_you_hear_about_the_vietnamese_man_who_won_the/
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Wives are not like computers

When you’re not expecting it, a computer will go down on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kcj6/wives_are_not_like_computers/
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Eve: “That’s it?”

Adam: “This is literally the biggest dick on earth Eve. Stfu and stop being picky”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kca7/eve_thats_it/
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A brunette and a blonde visit a motel

Before they go in, brunette warns her friend "Don't fill in your own address. Pick some European country. They won't know the difference.".
In the form brunette states her country of origin as "Hungary" while the blonde, trying to remain inconspicuous, writes "Thirsty".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kbbr/a_brunette_and_a_blonde_visit_a_motel/
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What does "Kremlin" translate to in English?

White House.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90kad7/what_does_kremlin_translate_to_in_english/
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My girlfriend has a tattoo of a conch shell on her inner thigh.

When I put my ear to it, I can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90k9yk/my_girlfriend_has_a_tattoo_of_a_conch_shell_on/
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you can’t cry over spilled milk

but spilled wine is a whole different story...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90k5hf/you_cant_cry_over_spilled_milk/
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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90k4j6/a_mexican_man_who_spoke_no_english_went_into_a/
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A neurologist is running late...

"I have a condition that gives me a seizure whenever I get dizzy," one of them says, hoping to break the ice with another bored patient.
"Are you taking anything for it?" she asks.
"Oh yes, anti-epileptics and Dramamine."
After a long silence, she sheepishly adds: "I have a condition that makes me orgasm every time I sneeze."
"My goodness! Are you taking anything for it?"
"Black pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90k3u3/a_neurologist_is_running_late/
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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”
The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90k2ai/on_a_flight_back_from_russia_a_flight_attendant/
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[nsfw] what did one pussy lip say to the other?

We used to be tight until we let some dick come between us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90jysh/nsfw_what_did_one_pussy_lip_say_to_the_other/
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Why did the doctor suspect Dracula may have a breathing problem?

Because of his coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90jxdx/why_did_the_doctor_suspect_dracula_may_have_a/
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What's the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine?

A Porcupine has the pricks on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90juyn/whats_the_difference_between_a_porsche_and_a/
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Turned on at the massage parlor.

I finally decided to get a massage last week at a parlor from a gentleman named Alex.
I’m a guy myself but heard he was the best.
Halfway through it was feeling good and I asked him, “Is it normal to get a boner during a massage?”
Alex said, “Yes, happens all the time.”
I replied, “Great, but can you move so it’s not in my face?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90jr6o/turned_on_at_the_massage_parlor/
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Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90jgo7/stephen_hawking_had_his_first_date_for_10_years/
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If you think no one cares about you...

Stop paying your bills and see how many people want to talk to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90jbxq/if_you_think_no_one_cares_about_you/
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“No more shampoo!”

We want the real poo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90j736/no_more_shampoo/
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What is the phobia of chainsaws called?

Common sense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90j4ai/what_is_the_phobia_of_chainsaws_called/
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In the words of Michael Scott, "Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing."

Except in the porn industry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90j2x6/in_the_words_of_michael_scott_mixing_family_and/
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I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta.

Now I have a Ford Focus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90j08i/i_left_my_adderall_in_my_ford_fiesta/
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Hitler went to a fortune teller..

..and asked her, “On what day will I die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler.
“Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90it7b/hitler_went_to_a_fortune_teller/
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There was once a college math professor

While he was on tenure, he decided to continue taking classes in other subject areas because they were offered to him at a discounted cost. After 40 years of teaching, the professor decided to retire. Over his time working, he had amassed enough credits to have completed 180 different major programs. To honor his years of service and hard work at the university, the president of the university offered to have him walk in that year's commencement ceremony. However; on the day of graduation when the retired math professor stepped up to receive his diplomas, the president handed him a homemade pie instead. As the professor thanked the president, he was initially confused, and he felt he deserved more recognition than a single pie. Then he realized this compensation was perfect as receiving 1 pi was equivalent to receiving 180 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ise1/there_was_once_a_college_math_professor/
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Comparing subjects that are apples to oranges isn’t useless

It can lead to a fruitful discussion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90iacu/comparing_subjects_that_are_apples_to_oranges/
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The other day I went on a date and she said "I like tall men because I like wearing heels."

I was shocked that we had that in Common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90i8sy/the_other_day_i_went_on_a_date_and_she_said_i/
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Lame Joke: A guy walks into a bar....

A guy walks into a bar in Ireland and spots a pot of gold behind the counter.
He asks the bartender, "Hey what's with that pot o' gold behind the bar there?"
The bartender replies, "Oh that's the reward for a contest that's, dare I say, probably impossible!"
The man then asks, "Well, what is the contest?"
The bartender says, "Well the contest is to make my horse laugh."
The man quickly says, "Hell, I can do that no problem! I just need you all to leave the bar for a moment while I work my magic."
The bartender doesn't believe him but decides to let him try and gathers up all of the patrons and leaves the bar. A few minutes later the man calls everyone back in. The bartender is beside himself, the horse is not only laughing he is pounding his hooves on the floor of the bar in fits of uncontrollable laughter.
The bartender has no choice and gives the man the pot of gold.
A few weeks later the man comes back to the bar and spies yet another pot of gold. He asks the bartender how to win this pot of gold.
The bartender replies, "Well this time you have to make my horse cry!"
The man stands up and quickly replies, "Hell that will be even easier! Bring in the horse, but same as last time you all have to leave while I work my magic."
The bartender agrees and he rounds everyone up and leaves the bar again. Not even two minutes later and the man in the bar beckons everyone back inside.
The bartender can't believe it. His horse is crying and is downright depressed looking.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "Okay, you won my pot o' gold again, but before I give it to you, you have to tell me what you did!"
The man looks at the bartender and a smile comes across his face as he tells him, " Well, it was easy really. The first time I told your horse that my dick was bigger then his, the second time I proved it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90i73f/lame_joke_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear about the fiasco surrounding the reward for the prettiest cat butt?

It was a huge cat ass trophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90i4m7/did_you_hear_about_the_fiasco_surrounding_the/
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People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90i4ii/people_were_astounded_to_find_a_stringed/
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I like Jesus...

but he loves me, so it's awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90i0ac/i_like_jesus/
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Never date cross eyed people.

They might be seeing somebody on the side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90hyge/never_date_cross_eyed_people/
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Two prawns

In the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.” Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out: “It’s me, Justin, your old friend. I’ve changed… I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again, Christian.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90hv5d/two_prawns/
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Excuse me, may I interview you?

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90hsyg/excuse_me_may_i_interview_you/
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As I sat there

twirling my hair, I thought
I really need to shave my balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90hrjk/as_i_sat_there/
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What do you call eating ass in the air?

Skyrim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90hfw6/what_do_you_call_eating_ass_in_the_air/
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I called “Shotgun” long before anyone else did, but I had to still sit in the back seat.

I hate cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90he39/i_called_shotgun_long_before_anyone_else_did_but/
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Why did the edgy teenager lock himself in the freezer ?

He thought it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90hdtp/why_did_the_edgy_teenager_lock_himself_in_the/
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Studies show that 6 in 10 people suffer from sudden bursts of anger.

The other 4 are FUCKING WANKERS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90hbth/studies_show_that_6_in_10_people_suffer_from/
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A man bought a horse whose previous owner had Tourette's [a campfire story--profanity warning]

Bear with me while I provide you with some more relevant details--the man first.  His name was George.  He was in the market for a fine horse, a quick horse, and one with stamina and perseverance.  A horse to explore with.
The horse--The horse was absolutely ideal--he was young, he was fast, deferential, and with nerves of steel.  The temperament of this animal is something that most human beings work toward their whole lives and never achieve.  This horse was named Bellybutton.  George immediately contacted the seller.
The seller--his name was Fred.  Fred was a good man, and he had Tourette's syndrome.  It was well-managed, but Fred would still allow tics at opportune times, and one of these times was while riding his horse.  They'd be out on the pasture, and Fred would tic "What!" and the horse would go left--"HHHeH!?" and they'd hang a right.  "JOLLY RANCHER" brought them to a stop, and "JESUSCHRIST" would set Bellybutton off at a mad gallop.
Fred's back was broken in an auto accident several months ago, and he'll never ride again.  But he loves Bellybutton and he doesn't want to deprive his friend of those hours spent outdoors.
So it is that in a flurry of introductions and explanations, George made the acquaintance of Bellybutton.  Fred and George spoke at length about Fred's symptoms, and George agreed that he would continue to communicate with Bellybutton in this way.
George and Bellybutton are out enjoying one of their first rides.  It's incredible.  For the first time since owning Bellybutton, George decides to go nuclear--he sees open land ahead and he gleefully yells "JESUSCHRIST" and Bellybutton TAKES OFF!
There's no comparison.  Imagine a drag racer, except that it's pounding your pelvis into your neck.  George didn't realise but he's not ready for this at all!  He's panicking, he's slipping from the saddle--this horse is orders of magnitude more athletic than George is, and then approaching in the distance--the darkness of an abyss darker than where George is headed--A Fucking Cliff.
Now, Bellybutton probably saw it too but as we've talked about he's a persevering horse and he wants to prove his stamina to his new owner.  Bellybutton is trying to impress middle management.
But most importantly, George sees it.  He sees the telltale shadow which whispers doom!  And George is thinking "oh WHAT was the term for stop!?"  He can't recall it.  He's trying to stay in the saddle for fuck's sake.  He can't remember.  What random term stops the horse?  "BLOWFLY!?"  The horse runs.  "BROKEN ARMS!?"  Bellybutton continues forward!  "SUBMARINE!  JOLLYRANCHER!!!!"
Bellybutton digs his hooves in, but they slide.  They slide on the gravel and dust toward this canyon, and they're not slowing down.  But somehow there's a patch of moisture just before the edge of the drop and Bellybutton's hooves dig in--George and Bellybutton come to a complete halt merely inches from the edge of the precipice.
George, his palms sweaty, with piss running down his legs and shit in his pants already takes a deep breath.
"JesusCHRIST!"
And away they go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90h7yq/a_man_bought_a_horse_whose_previous_owner_had/
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A liberal, a conservative, a communist, a feminist, a priest, Nazi, a conspiracy theorist, a doctor, an environmentalist, and an economist, are on a plane that's falling uncontrollably out of the sky.

The liberal says : "I blame the 1%"
The conservative says: "I blame the welfare state."
The communist says: "I blame the bourgeoisie."
The feminist says: "I blame the patriarchy."
The priest says: "I blame original sin."
The Nazi says: "I blame the Jews**!**"
The conspiracy theorist says "I blame the shadow government."
The doctor says "I blame cancerous mutations."
The environmentalist says "I blame global warming."
The economist says " And *I* blame inflation"
Finally, everyone looks back to see a Redditor with a diabolical grin on his face who's madly typing on his phone in the back seat.
He says:  " We're all fucked here, but I'm not going down without raking in this sweet karma first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90h6ay/a_liberal_a_conservative_a_communist_a_feminist_a/
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The best part about Halloween is when my family who love puns visits

It's great seeing my pun-kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90h66h/the_best_part_about_halloween_is_when_my_family/
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Why was JFK remembered as such a good president?

He had a very open mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90h62k/why_was_jfk_remembered_as_such_a_good_president/
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It’s always good to know Jesus loves you

Unless you’re in a Mexican prison that is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90h3wa/its_always_good_to_know_jesus_loves_you/
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A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is stuck. She throws a rope around the horse’s neck, and slams on the accelerator, saving the horse from sinking in the puddle.
A few days go by and they are playing in the field again. This time, the hen gets stuck.
Hen: “Help, go get the car like I did for you and help me out!”
The horse, realizing there isn’t much time since the hen is much smaller than he, stretches out over the length of the puddle.
Horse: Reach up and grab hold of my ‘thing’.
The hen obliges, and the horse starts to stand straight up to pull his friend out of the puddle.
The moral of this story is: If you’re hung like a horse, then you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90gzyx/a_horse_and_a_hen_are_playing_in_a_field/
%
What comes after 69?

A mouth wash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90gzf0/what_comes_after_69/
%
Roses are red, Cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90gxym/roses_are_red_cellos_are_brown/
%
The Chinese pharmacist

A man sends his wife to pick up his erectile dysfunction medication.
She gets back and they get undressed and get down to business.
The wife stops and says “our new pharmacist is a very nice Chinese man but talks too much politics but don’t worry, I made sure your pills aren’t made in Russia”
“Why would it matter if the Russians made my pills” said the husband.
The wife responded “well the pharmacist told me Russia was meddling in U.S erections”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90gxag/the_chinese_pharmacist/
%
A young sales clerk removed an old mans sunglasses and insisted he tries on a new pair.

"I can't see myself wearing these" said the old man.
"Why not?" asked the clerk.
"Because I'm blind".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90gqgt/a_young_sales_clerk_removed_an_old_mans/
%
My ADD always beats me when I’m trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn’t help either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90gpb7/my_add_always_beats_me_when_im_trying_to_do_my/
%
Why do tortillas get such a bad wrap?

Because they are so corny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90glt8/why_do_tortillas_get_such_a_bad_wrap/
%
Why don't polar bears ever get married?

Because they all have cold feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90glod/why_dont_polar_bears_ever_get_married/
%
I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

And it's not you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90glhg/im_really_good_friends_with_25_letters_of_the/
%
Some friends are talking about whose wife is the boss of the house.

Some friends are sitting at a table talking about whose wife is the boss of the house.
One friend points at an empty table and says, “Whoever thinks their wife is the alpha sit over there.”
Everyone, but one man goes over to the empty table and sits.
Everyone applauds, “You’re the alpha of the house?”
“No, my wife doesn’t like me sitting in crowded places.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90gkzx/some_friends_are_talking_about_whose_wife_is_the/
%
What do you say to a repost you've seen before?

Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90gku4/what_do_you_say_to_a_repost_youve_seen_before/
%
I just deleted all the German friends off my phone

It's Hans free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ghdq/i_just_deleted_all_the_german_friends_off_my_phone/
%
Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er,"  but most people call it conditioner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90gcj8/did_you_know_there_is_a_condition_that_causes/
%
Giuseppe and Luigi were life-long friends from the old country.

They both moved to America, had good careers, retired, and now met in the park every day. One day, Luigi got to the park and Giuseppe wasn't there. Giuseppe was always there first. For 15 years, Luigi never got to the park first. He was so worried about his friend.
Suddenly, a limousine pulls up and Giuseppe gets out.
"Giuseppe, you're late. Where have you been?"
"Oh Luigi, it was the strangest thing. I was waiting for you, like I always do, when up drives this beautiful car. And out steps this beautiful woman!"
"What happened then?"
"The woman looked at me like my dear departed wife did the first time we did it. She said I should take a drive with her."
"So what did you do?"
"Luigi, I went for a drive! Then we went out to a beautiful spot by the river."
"What happened then?"
"She gets out of the car, so I get out of the car."
"What happened then?"
"She took off all of her clothes. She was so young and beautiful, just like my dear Sophia."
"And then what happened?"
"The woman looked at me right in my eyes and said "Take it!"
"Giuseppe, what did you do?"
"I took the car. Her clothes wouldn't fit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90gcfg/giuseppe_and_luigi_were_lifelong_friends_from_the/
%
Little red ridding hood was walking through the forrest...

So little red ridding hood was walking through the forrest on the way to grandma's house. She see's some nice flowers and goes to pick them. There she see's the wolf's feet.
"oh my Mr. wolf, what big feet you have"
Wolf just grumbles something and walks away.
Little red just keeps walking.
Further down she see's some mushrooms and thinks how nice it would be to make a soup for grandma with them.  As she picks the mushrooms she see's the wolfs tail...
"my Mr Wolf, what a bushy tail you have"
Wolf again, get's up and just grumbles.
Little red again thinks nothing of it and keeps walking through the woods.
Further down, she finds a nice rock that would look great on grandmothers fireplace. She goes to pick it up and again see's the wolf again.
"Mr Wolf what squinty eyes you..."
Wolf: LET ME TAKE A CRAP IN PEACE CHILD!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90gbgg/little_red_ridding_hood_was_walking_through_the/
%
What is heavy forward but not backward?

Ton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ga0i/what_is_heavy_forward_but_not_backward/
%
My wife told me not to take the kitchen utensils

but thats a whisk im willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90g9yn/my_wife_told_me_not_to_take_the_kitchen_utensils/
%
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students

so she took him aside after class one day.
“Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love,” replied Little Johnny.
Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, “With whom?”
“With you!” he said.
“But, Little Johnny,” said the teacher gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? Sure, I’d like a husband of my own someday, but I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” said Little Johnny reassuringly, “I’ll use a condom!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90g9b6/the_pretty_teacher_was_concerned_with_one_of_her/
%
If a ring for a toe is a toe ring...

Then shouldn't a ring for a finger be a *fingering*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90g7w0/if_a_ring_for_a_toe_is_a_toe_ring/
%
Why will you never win a race against a runner from Finland?

Before you even start, they are already Finnish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90g4vy/why_will_you_never_win_a_race_against_a_runner/
%
Horse and bucket

A man walks into a bar, and see a horse with a bucket of money in the back end of the bar. So he walks up to the bartender and asks about the horse. The bartender tells him that it's an on going bet. If you can make the horse laugh, then you win the bucket of money, if you don't you put a dollar in.
So the man trys his luck. He whispers in the horse's ear and the horse begins laughing. So the man picks up the bucket and walks out with his winnings.
A week later the man comes back to the same bar and the horse is still laughing, with a new bucket of money next to him. So the man goes back to the bartender and asks about the horse again. The bartender tells him that whatever he said to the horse, the horse found hilarious and hasn't stopped laughing about it. The new bet was to get the horse to stop laughing, without hurting it of course.
So the man goes up to the horse, makes a few gestures and the horse stops laughing. He proceeds to walk out with the new bucket of money, but the bartender stops him.
"Hey, buddy, before you go. I gotta know what you said to the horse to make him laugh, and more importantly what you did to make him stop."
The man replies, "To make him laugh, I told him my penis was bigger than his. To make him stop...I showed it to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90g40g/horse_and_bucket/
%
A woman walked into a pharmacy...

...and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw you and me in jail. Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police
The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90g2b7/a_woman_walked_into_a_pharmacy/
%
My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90g22e/my_russian_wife_wouldnt_even_teach_me_how_to_say/
%
A joke to tell at DnD. Why are Dwarf pubs so bad?

Because they set the bar so low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90g1az/a_joke_to_tell_at_dnd_why_are_dwarf_pubs_so_bad/
%
What do you call a couple of bees in the air?

Air bnb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90fxas/what_do_you_call_a_couple_of_bees_in_the_air/
%
A blow job will make your day

But anal will make your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90fusn/a_blow_job_will_make_your_day/
%
I quit drinking for good

Now I drink for evil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ftaj/i_quit_drinking_for_good/
%
I saw a woman once

Who was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car.  She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames.  She starts waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead.  She was waving an illegal fire arm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90fpj9/i_saw_a_woman_once/
%
What happened to the man who ate too much spaghetti?

He pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90fnfj/what_happened_to_the_man_who_ate_too_much/
%
My dad is like a boomerang

As a kid no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get that crooked piece of shit to come back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90flrc/my_dad_is_like_a_boomerang/
%
Business can be generated any how!

An advocate goes to a gift shop 7 days before Valentine's Day.
He bought 40 beautiful cards and wrote - "To my love !! I hope you recognize! Meet me in the evening, "I love you"
The shopkeeper asked: What is the matter?
So the lawyer said - I sent such cards to the nearby colony on the last Valentine's Day. In a few days, I got four cases of divorce.
This time I am sending 40 cards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90fk3b/business_can_be_generated_any_how/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but how they got in there, I have no idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90fj67/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
What is the most difficult part about being a paedophile?

Being able to fit in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90felp/what_is_the_most_difficult_part_about_being_a/
%
An ugly guy enters a bar with a big grin on his face.

“Why are you so happy?” ask the bartender.
“Well”, the man answers, “I live close to the railroad tracks and when I got home last night I saw a woman laying there, tied down. So I untied her, brought here inside and then I banged her all night ... until the morning light."
“I can tell you are a romantic" the bartender replies. "And did she also give you a blowjob?"
"Nah" says the man,"I did look for it but found no head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90f86v/an_ugly_guy_enters_a_bar_with_a_big_grin_on_his/
%
[NSFW] An American business man travels to Japan for work

On his first night there, he decides to get a prostitute. They're going at it pretty good when she starts exclaiming "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!"
He doesn't understand the language but assuming it must mean "great job!"
Fast forward to the next day, when he's golfing with his Japanese colleague. His colleague sinks a 40 foot putt with little effort, to which the American shouts, "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!"
The Japanese man turns and says, "What do you mean 'wrong hole! Wrong hole!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90f7yb/nsfw_an_american_business_man_travels_to_japan/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

No amount would change it, they'd just beat the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90f6f0/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90f63p/two_married_buddies_are_out_drinking_one_night/
%
Anal sex for 7 days...

Makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90f566/anal_sex_for_7_days/
%
I entered a sketching competition.

Drew every round

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90f2hp/i_entered_a_sketching_competition/
%
How do you pick up an elephant with one hand?

You can't, there are no elephants with one hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90eyce/how_do_you_pick_up_an_elephant_with_one_hand/
%
I just bought 27 books

I don't have any shelf control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90evyk/i_just_bought_27_books/
%
Did I tell you how I got my stepladder?

My real ladder left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ev5l/did_i_tell_you_how_i_got_my_stepladder/
%
Steven hawking walked into a bar

Just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90espu/steven_hawking_walked_into_a_bar/
%
How many Freudians does it take to screw a light bulb?

*Cannot edit title, meant to write: Screw in a light bulb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90erux/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_screw_a_light/
%
[blonde] Two girls were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yes... no... yes... no...yes..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90enqj/blonde_two_girls_were_speeding_down_the_highway/
%
Paddy broke his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin'?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ejca/paddy_broke_his_leg_and_his_buddy_mick_comes_over/
%
My Grandad went down in history

and on one occasion, fingered a girl in geography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90egs9/my_grandad_went_down_in_history/
%
Why did Karl Marx drink mint tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90egrg/why_did_karl_marx_drink_mint_tea/
%
An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90eddz/an_australian_ventriloquist_is_visiting/
%
Man walks into a grocery store

When the cashier asks if he wants his milk in a bag, he says "No thanks. Keep it in the jug."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ed0d/man_walks_into_a_grocery_store/
%
Hickory hickory Dock. Three mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one

and the other two got away with minor injuries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ecz6/hickory_hickory_dock_three_mice_ran_up_the_clock/
%
An amateur artist was show casing his work for the first time at a public viewing.

and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ecoc/an_amateur_artist_was_show_casing_his_work_for/
%
I'll never forget my Dad's last words before he kicked the bucket:

Hey looked me in the eyes and said.."Hey son, How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ebz5/ill_never_forget_my_dads_last_words_before_he/
%
I still remember what my mother in law said just before she died

"Stop shaking the ladder YOU LITTLE $#%@!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ebo2/i_still_remember_what_my_mother_in_law_said_just/
%
Why do India never qualify for the world cup?

Because whenever they get a corner they open a shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90e9cu/why_do_india_never_qualify_for_the_world_cup/
%
How does mayonnaise laugh?

L-MAYO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90e71o/how_does_mayonnaise_laugh/
%
I was at an ATM, and this woman asked me to check her balance...

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90e6r5/i_was_at_an_atm_and_this_woman_asked_me_to_check/
%
Dads are like boomerangs

... I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90e3ep/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
There once was an old king and queen (LONG)

There was once a King and Queen who lived happily together in their kingdom -- but every time the king would go off to fight in a war the Queen would cheat on him with the Royal Guards.
The King went to his Royal Wizard and asked "Wizard, I think that the Queen has been unfaithful. How will I know?".
The Wizard replied "Here, take this tiny guillotine and place it inside the queen before you leave for the next battle."
A week later, having done what the Wizard said the night before, went off to fight with his army. Upon returning, he lined up all of the palace guards, and had them drop their pants.
Each one had their members missing except for one -- so after dealing out the proper punishment to those without their penis, he took the Guard with his willy still intact and said "I am forever grateful to you for not attempting to sleep with the Queen. But I must ask -- how did you resist the temptation?"
The Guard, struggling to speak, replied "I didhnhnt, yhour Mahjesty.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ds3v/there_once_was_an_old_king_and_queen_long/
%
My friend told me he lost 20 lbs after one visit to the bathroom

Turned out he was full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90dqts/my_friend_told_me_he_lost_20_lbs_after_one_visit/
%
I used to say jokes out loud when I was a long jumper.

One day I crossed the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90dp8f/i_used_to_say_jokes_out_loud_when_i_was_a_long/
%
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches him and asks, "Why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"
"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90dixh/a_shy_priest_greets_the_wedding_guests_to_the/
%
The cow goes 'moo.' The horse goes 'neigh'. The pig goes

Can I see your licence and registration?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90db2j/the_cow_goes_moo_the_horse_goes_neigh_the_pig_goes/
%
What do you call an animal that thinks it's special?

Human.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90d9he/what_do_you_call_an_animal_that_thinks_its_special/
%
Accordion to a study done by Stanford University, 9 out 10 people don’t notice when words are substituted for music instruments

hehe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90d83t/accordion_to_a_study_done_by_stanford_university/
%
Do ants have dicks?

No.
Cuz then they would be uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90d66j/do_ants_have_dicks/
%
Mickey and Minnie walked into a bar

Donald ducked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90d41w/mickey_and_minnie_walked_into_a_bar/
%
We had a band in High School called 1023 Megabytes.

We never made it to a gig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90cz9l/we_had_a_band_in_high_school_called_1023_megabytes/
%
What is Neymar's favorite drill to practice?

The fire drill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ctjs/what_is_neymars_favorite_drill_to_practice/
%
A reporter is standing at the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide[Long]

a reporter in a small town is standing on the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide when as he is about to jump a road worker approaches him and asks "Are you going to jump?" The reporter replies "yep, there hasn't been a story in this town for years and I'm tired of it." The road worker thinks for a moment and says "I have worked on these darned roads for twenty-five years, in the hot sun, and the cold snow with only a ten-minute lunch break. I'm tired of it, I think I'll jump with you." As the two are about to jump, a mailman drives around the corner and sees the two men about to jump. He screeches to a stop a few feet from the two men and hops out of his mail truck. He runs up to them and asks "What are you two doing?" The reporter explains their situation and the mailman decides to join the reporter and road worker as his wife had ran off with a much younger man, and they were living lavishly in Monte Carlo. Right as the three men were about to jump an office worker driving home for the day drives by and sees the men about to jump. He stops, curious as to what the men were doing. The men explain their situations and the office worker decides to join them because the promotion he had been trying to get for years had been given to his arch enemy and he had been laid off. The men begin to count down  "3... 2... 1... JUMP!" On the word jump, everyone but the reporter jumped. The next days' headline read IN A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS THREE MEN COMMIT SUICIDE, LEAVING TOWN CUT OFF BY UNREPAIRED POTHOLES ON ONLY ACCESS ROAD AND CAUSING DEATH OF MULTIPLE PATIENTS IN THE HOSPITAL BY DELAYING DELIVERY OF CRUCIAL MEDICATION.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ctek/a_reporter_is_standing_at_the_edge_of_a_cliff/
%
How many Jedi does it take to screw in a hallway lightbulb?

None, because once you start down the dark path forever will it dominate your destiny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90cp27/how_many_jedi_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_hallway/
%
How many Super Saiyans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes five episodes, and Krillin dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90cj2f/how_many_super_saiyans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,

“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”
Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”
“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...”
“Well, all right, three times...”
“Three, hmmm. When were they?”
“Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked...”
“Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?”
“Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again...”
“I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife... All right then, when was the third time?”
“Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 97 votes short...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90chdg/sam_and_becky_are_celebrating_their_50th_wedding/
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Fuck and Weight loss

A fat man saw an ad in a newspaper
"Lose 5kg in a week".
He called the company & lady said
"be ready tomorrow at 6am."
The next morning he opened the door &
found a beautiful girl with shoes & skirt saying "you catch me, you  fuck me" & the girl started running.
He started chasing but didn't catch her.
During the whole week he tried to catch her but couldn't. However he lost 5 kg.
He then asked for the 10kg program.
Next morning at 6 am he opened the door & saw an even more beautiful girl in bikini saying
"you catch me, you fuck me".
He lost 10kg that week. So he thought this program was awesome! And decided to try the 25kg.
So he asked for the 25kg but the lady said
"are you sure?
its really tough"
he said "YES"
Next day at 6 am he opened the door, he found a huge guy  saying
"If I catch you, i fuck you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90cfm6/fuck_and_weight_loss/
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Theory vs Reality

Little Johnny comes home from school to find his dad working in the yard.
Dad says,  ‘Hi Johnny.  What did you learn in school today?’
Johnny replies, ‘Hi Dad.  We talked a lot about the theory and reality, but I’m not sure what the difference is.’
‘Well, Johnny, I can help you with that, but first I need you to go ask your mother if she’d sleep with old man Johnson for a million dollars.’ replied Dad.
Young Johnny walks into the house, and returns a few minutes later and says, ‘Yeah Mom said that she would.’
Dad smiles.  ‘Ok, now go ask your sister the same question.’
Johnny walks back into the house, and after a minute he comes back out, and says, ‘Yeah, she said that she’d sleep with old man Johnson too, but what’s that got to do with theory and reality?’
‘You see, Johnny, in theory, we’re multi-millionaires, but in reality, we just live with a couple of whores!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90capx/theory_vs_reality/
%
I pleaded to my doctor, “I feel constepatid!!” Chuckling, he replied, “I think you mean constipated.”

I said, “No, I just had a vowel movement!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90c9pk/i_pleaded_to_my_doctor_i_feel_constepatid/
%
Dad: What has 4 legs and isn’t alive?

Me: You can’t fool me dad! Its a chair!
Dad: Not this time son. Get a shovel, the dog’s dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90c9l1/dad_what_has_4_legs_and_isnt_alive/
%
What country is known for cave paintings?

Denmark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90c9gq/what_country_is_known_for_cave_paintings/
%
A termite walks into a bar and asked...

Is the bar tender here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90c7fv/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar_and_asked/
%
How many 16 year-olds does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whatever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90c70o/how_many_16_yearolds_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Eve: That's it?

Adam: Listen this is literally the biggest penis on Earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90c6qk/eve_thats_it/
%
How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

5, One to hold the chair, one to screw the bulb in and three to beat the room because it’s black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90c4zu/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A mountain man walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no-one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. Of course, he was right again.
Throughout the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down on my crotch. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90c4sn/a_mountain_man_walked_in_the_bar_and_bragged_to/
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How many Mexicans does it take to skew in a light bulb?

Just Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90c3gf/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_skew_in_a_light/
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What do you call the single grain of corn on the tree?

Acorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90c2nk/what_do_you_call_the_single_grain_of_corn_on_the/
%
How does a train eat?

It chew chews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90bz6r/how_does_a_train_eat/
%
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90byqj/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one.
They hold it in place, and the whole world revolves around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90bvs0/how_many_narcissists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?

Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90btz4/how_did_dairy_queen_get_pregnant/
%
Who’s the biggest hoe in history?

Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90bt19/whos_the_biggest_hoe_in_history/
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How to Lose Weight 101

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90bq4h/how_to_lose_weight_101/
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I told my friend to subscribe to r/jokes.

He said, “But the jokes are garbage.”
I said, “They aren’t garbage, they’re recycled!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90bone/i_told_my_friend_to_subscribe_to_rjokes/
%
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke?

He won the no-bell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90bmz9/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_invented_the_knock/
%
A German theoretical physicist walks into a bar.

He orders himself ein Stein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90blzo/a_german_theoretical_physicist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the two identical bikes separated at birth?

They were long lost schwinns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90bjfj/did_you_hear_about_the_two_identical_bikes/
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Work or Play?

Guarantee this is a repost because it still makes me laugh to this day.
A general, major, and lieutenant were arguing in the command tent while having drinks about whether sex was work or play.
General: "25% play, 75% work"
Major: "50/50"
Lietenant: "75% play, 25% work"
They go on like this for some time while consuming more drinks. Eventually the general gets fed up with the discussion and calls over the private that has been mopping the floor nearby.
General: "Private, have you heard our conversation?"
Private: "sir, yes sir"
General: "Go on then son, tell us what you think"
Private: "100% play sir!"
General: "Enlighten us, why do you say that?"
Private: "Sir, because if there was any work involved, you would have me do it sir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90bhe2/work_or_play/
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Doctor Jones likes to stop at a bar after work..

.. and enjoy an almond daiquiri. One day, Dick the bartender runs out of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead. The doctor takes a sip and says, "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" And Dick says, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90bbnx/doctor_jones_likes_to_stop_at_a_bar_after_work/
%
My family tree is like a cactus.

It's full of pricks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ba5m/my_family_tree_is_like_a_cactus/
%
I was in the military for 5 years;

I wanted to do 20, but then a war broke out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90b90i/i_was_in_the_military_for_5_years/
%
Why are people in wheelchairs impatient?

They can't stand waiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90b4vm/why_are_people_in_wheelchairs_impatient/
%
I had to break up with my cop girlfriend. We’re both into BDSM...

but I’m not comfortable doing blackface

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90b3th/i_had_to_break_up_with_my_cop_girlfriend_were/
%
What are gay Triceratops into?

Tricerabottoms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90b0ng/what_are_gay_triceratops_into/
%
A guy sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar

He walks up to her and says "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well", she says, "for the first half of it I wasn't even born. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90axty/a_guy_sees_a_beautiful_woman_sitting_at_the_bar/
%
my girlfriend says she can lick the honey from a beehive so gently that the bees won’t even know she’s there

she’s a keeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90astw/my_girlfriend_says_she_can_lick_the_honey_from_a/
%
Did you hear about the kid born without eyelids?

Doctors were doing a circumcision anyways and used the foreskin for new eyelids.
Don’t worry, he’s fine. He’s just little cockeyed now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90askd/did_you_hear_about_the_kid_born_without_eyelids/
%
I just learned milk is the fastest liquid!

It gets pasteurized before you even see it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90asai/i_just_learned_milk_is_the_fastest_liquid/
%
A dog may well be a man's best friend but a cat...

...will never tell the police where your marijuana is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90aps8/a_dog_may_well_be_a_mans_best_friend_but_a_cat/
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That's why it's so expensive

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away". The distressed woman wailed "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead" replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something".
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck".
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90aphh/thats_why_its_so_expensive/
%
What kind of award did the dentist get?

A plaque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90akq3/what_kind_of_award_did_the_dentist_get/
%
The only time the word "incorrectly" isn’t spelled incorrectly...

...is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ajye/the_only_time_the_word_incorrectly_isnt_spelled/
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How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ag8i/how_is_a_girlfriend_like_a_laxative/
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Surprise Surprise…

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90ag4g/surprise_surprise/
%
I have started measuring my weight by hand to can

by this I mean how far down the Pringles can my hand will reach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90aerm/i_have_started_measuring_my_weight_by_hand_to_can/
%
"Torture me" said the masochist.

"No," the sadist smiled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90adtz/torture_me_said_the_masochist/
%
The Doctor came into the room and gave me a serious look...

He said, “Look, you have got to stop masturbating.” Startled and confused I asked him why. “Because I’m trying to talk to you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90aac6/the_doctor_came_into_the_room_and_gave_me_a/
%
Why was the blind woman surprised to find out she was pregnant? [NSFW]

She didn't see it cumming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90a9ke/why_was_the_blind_woman_surprised_to_find_out_she/
%
Obama smoked weed, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and evicted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90a62x/obama_smoked_weed_and_now_look_where_he_is_today/
%
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/909xm0/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What has an IQ of 100 and a full set of teeth?

The front row at a NASCAR race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/909vuj/what_has_an_iq_of_100_and_a_full_set_of_teeth/
%
Have you ever wondered about those people who pay a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/909vs1/have_you_ever_wondered_about_those_people_who_pay/
%
When I was young, my pet canary died

So my mother bought another one to replace it, exactly the same, hoping that I wouldn't notice.
But I noticed.
And I killed that one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/909sh9/when_i_was_young_my_pet_canary_died/
%
The Golf Cheat

Wife: Why are you hanging around the house so much? You used to be out on the golf course 3 or 4 times a week!
Husband: I don't have anyone to play golf with.
W: Why don't you play with Bob, you always used to?
H: Bob? HA!! Would you play with someone who demands retakes of every poor tee shot, kicks your ball into the rough when he thinks you're not looking, fudges his scorecard, and swears and throws his clubs when it's not going his way??
W: That's dreadful, of course not!!
H: Neither will Bob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/909rjq/the_golf_cheat/
%
My friend and I took a trip to Egypt. While we were sightseeing, he slipped and fell into a river. I told him he needs to get out as soon as possible but he refused to acknowledge his predicament.

He was in denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/909qew/my_friend_and_i_took_a_trip_to_egypt_while_we/
%
Say what you want about Putin but he's the world hardest working president,

He has to run two countries instead of one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/909isl/say_what_you_want_about_putin_but_hes_the_world/
%
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/909igv/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
They said 9/11 was an inside job, but that would never happen again in this day and age.

They would probably want a minimum of 10 years of experience in suicide bombing for an entry level position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/909gol/they_said_911_was_an_inside_job_but_that_would/
%
A Priest, A Minister, and a Rabbi are out playing golf...

A Priest, A Minister, and a Rabbi are out playing Golf and they come across a bag full of money. They all agree that, clearly this is a gift from God and that they should keep some and give some away but they can't agree on how to decide how much of each.
The Priest says, "Alright, how about we draw a big circle on the ground and throw all the money up in the air and whatever lands outside the circle, we keep, and what comes down inside, we give away." The Minister says, "No! No! No! We keep what lands inside, we give away what lands outside."
As they keep bickering, the Rabbi just stands by and finally says, "What if we just throw all the money up in the air and whatever G-d wants, He keeps!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/909bk8/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_are_out_playing/
%
How many Russians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They'll just have Donald Trump do it for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9099gt/how_many_russians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Jesus went into the mountains with his disciples; and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are the poor in spirit.
Blessed are those who mourn.
Blessed are the peacemakers.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.
And Peter said: Will this be in the test?
And Philip said: Were we supposed to write this down?
And James said: I haven't got a pen.
And Bartholomew said: Did the other disciples have to learn this?
And Judas said: When will we ever need this in real life?
And some Pharisees came to Jesus and said to him:
May we see your lesson plan? Was the learning objective clearly communicated to all students? Was there a range of differentiated outcomes according to the identified levels of ability of each student? Can you show that you have used a variety of teaching strategies according to the different learning models?
And Jesus wept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9092xw/jesus_went_into_the_mountains_with_his_disciples/
%
Shaq recently bought a boat and named it "Free Throw".

He'll never sink it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908x7n/shaq_recently_bought_a_boat_and_named_it_free/
%
timing

what’s the most important thing in comedy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908x5b/timing/
%
Have you heard about the hottest dance moves nowadays?

It’s called the Srirachachacha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908utg/have_you_heard_about_the_hottest_dance_moves/
%
I found my first grey pubic hair today.

It wouldn't have bothered me but it was inside my Big Mac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908un4/i_found_my_first_grey_pubic_hair_today/
%
A suicide bomber is teaching a bombing class.

“Pay attention. I’m only going to do this once!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908ulb/a_suicide_bomber_is_teaching_a_bombing_class/
%
I can fit the amount of times I have visited Chernobyl on my fingers

12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908r9j/i_can_fit_the_amount_of_times_i_have_visited/
%
Is it insensitive...

For a mother to say "here comes the airplane" when feeding her two twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908qo7/is_it_insensitive/
%
After a young boy was molested by a priest, the police asked him what happened.

The young boy responded, "I knew I was in trouble when the the priest told me to call him Daddy instead of Father"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908pbe/after_a_young_boy_was_molested_by_a_priest_the/
%
A man walks into a bar he has never been to and notices a mason jar filled with 20$ bills.

He asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender replies saying “This is a challenge we have. You put a 20$ bill in the jar and we give you a bottle of tequila. You must drink the entire bottle, then go outside and pull a tooth from the dog hooked to the fence. Once you do that you must go upstairs and make love to the old lady who lives there. When you are done and sit back down you win the entire jar!”
The man eagerly accepted the challenge knowing his love for tequila. He downs the bottle like a champ and makes his way outside to the dog. Everyone hears barking and yelling for a few moments and the man enters back into the bar yelling “OK where’s that old lady’s tooth I have to pull!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908m81/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_he_has_never_been_to_and/
%
They say 1 in 3 people cheat

I don't know who to tell first my boyfriend or girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908kw0/they_say_1_in_3_people_cheat/
%
Little Johnny coming home from the store

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a goodopportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908k8n/little_johnny_coming_home_from_the_store/
%
My family got angry at me for practicing for The Price is Right

I guess I shouldn’t practice during Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908egw/my_family_got_angry_at_me_for_practicing_for_the/
%
Make sure you're viagra says Made in the USA

You don't want the Russians meddling in your erections

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908eah/make_sure_youre_viagra_says_made_in_the_usa/
%
I tried to set my password to "Fortnite" but got the error saying

You password is two week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908cnu/i_tried_to_set_my_password_to_fortnite_but_got/
%
Just told my friend his gf is a cheater

I sent him a text saying the y in “your girlfriend” is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908cjx/just_told_my_friend_his_gf_is_a_cheater/
%
I called my repairman to complain about a faulty icemaker that had been leaking ...

When he came back out to the house, he discovered it was just some ice that had fallen and melted on the floor. I offered my apologies for the mistake. The repairman told me not to worry, as far as he was concerned, it was water under the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908ccb/i_called_my_repairman_to_complain_about_a_faulty/
%
A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.
"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.
"It was a dictatorship."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908bvq/a_cargo_ship_sank_in_the_ocean_the_cargo_idaho/
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John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?

Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908b5x/john_i_didnt_sleep_with_my_wife_before_we_were/
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Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/908915/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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A man at the gym proposed

and she said no.
Guess that didn't workout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9088bs/a_man_at_the_gym_proposed/
%
What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907yn4/whats_the_difference_between_love_true_love_and/
%
I called the virtual reality warehouse in Germany and asked if they had the headset I ordered yet

he said “VR ready”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907ykh/i_called_the_virtual_reality_warehouse_in_germany/
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What was the name of the political committee that worked to protect the rights of wine enthusiasts?

The Bacchus Caucus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907y3i/what_was_the_name_of_the_political_committee_that/
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Two condoms walk past a gay-bar.

One of them says to the other, “Hey, whaddya say we go in there & get shit-faced? “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907y1t/two_condoms_walk_past_a_gaybar/
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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds
him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907xpz/a_blonde_suspects_her_boyfriend_of_cheating_on/
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A man with no ears

is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" And the guy says, "Well shit! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells "Get the fuck out!". So the next guy comes in and the boss says to him, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?" And the guy says, "That's easy. You got no ears!" So the boss says, to him, "Get the fuck out!" As the second guy leaves he sees the third guy about to go in and says to him, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, he is really sensitive about it." So the guy goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one that you notice about me?" So the guy says, "Your wearing contacts!" And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know?" So the guy replies, "Well shit, you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907xow/a_man_with_no_ears/
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What’s the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?

Strapadictomy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907xlh/whats_the_medical_term_for_a_femaletomale_sex/
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What's the biggest problem Atheists have during sex?

No-one to talk to during an orgasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907x52/whats_the_biggest_problem_atheists_have_during_sex/
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What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne usually won't come on a child's face until they're 13/14 years old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907wlj/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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I finally gathered the courage to ask my wife if a second woman could come in bed with us

She asked who the first was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907vs9/i_finally_gathered_the_courage_to_ask_my_wife_if/
%
A boy was at a lemonade stand.

He was deciding between a glass or a full pitcher.  He told the seller he was really thirsty,  to which they replied,  "Take a pitcher,  it'll last longer".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907uq4/a_boy_was_at_a_lemonade_stand/
%
I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907u8v/i_went_to_fill_up_my_tires_and_it_cost_a_dollar/
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The CEO of a large cooperation was giving advice to a junior executive.

"I was young, married and out of work," he lectured. "I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them and sold them for ten cents each."
"I see," said the junior executive. "You kept reinvesting your money and grew a big business."
"No," said the CEO. "Then my wife's father died and left me a fortune."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907slg/the_ceo_of_a_large_cooperation_was_giving_advice/
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[NSFW] What were you doing in the bedroom?

A little kid returns from school earlier. There are unusual sounds from the parents' bedroom. He hears his parents screaming "Oh, sugar! Oh, honey!", but the bedroom door is locked so he can't see what's going on.
In the evening he asks his parents: "Mom, dad, what were you doing in the bedroom?"
The parents want to be straightforward, without going into details, so they say: "We... we were making babies. After some time, you may have a new brother or sister."
The little kid says to himself: "I want to make babies, too!" So he takes a lots of sugar and some honey, scatters it all over his bedroom and goes to sleep.
When he wakes up, the bedroom is full of ants, who were drawn by the sugar. The little kid looks at the ants and says: "If I weren't your father, I would kill you all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907qgd/nsfw_what_were_you_doing_in_the_bedroom/
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A man is going to the football stadium.

It’s the World Cup Final, and he makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907lh3/a_man_is_going_to_the_football_stadium/
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If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907d3x/if_you_ever_get_in_a_knife_fight_with_a_group_of/
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Husband : i can't believe they're back together after all that shit

Wife : who ?                                                            Husband : My ass cheeks .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/907bph/husband_i_cant_believe_theyre_back_together_after/
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I saw my friend on the jokes subreddit and immediately thought he was reposting

Turns out he was just commenting: ”This made me chuckle take my upvote.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9074tr/i_saw_my_friend_on_the_jokes_subreddit_and/
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My wife tried one of those expensive beauty mud packs on her face and it worked!

Till she took it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9072su/my_wife_tried_one_of_those_expensive_beauty_mud/
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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB

That was a trip down memory lane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9070pu/i_walked_down_a_street_where_the_houses_were/
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Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906zqk/women_are_the_only_creatures_to_defy_the_laws_of/
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Things I learned in organic chemistry

1.How to draw hexagons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906zcu/things_i_learned_in_organic_chemistry/
%
A young priest was dismayed to find his bicycle was stolen....

He told the pastor about the theft, and asked what he could do to get the bicycle back.
The pastor said, "Your sermon on Sunday is about the Ten Commandments.  What you should do is emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal.'  Really bring the point home.  Perhaps the thief will have an attack of conscience and return the bike."
The young priest thought that was good advice, and agreed to do exactly that.  But when Sunday came around, the pastor listened to his sermon, and didn't notice any particular emphasis on the commandment against theft.  The pastor called the young priest aside after Mass and said, "I thought you were going to emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'.  Don't you want your bike returned?"
The young priest said, "There was no need, father.  When I got to the one about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left my bicycle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906z51/a_young_priest_was_dismayed_to_find_his_bicycle/
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Since passing my art exam, I've become very patronizing.

If you don't know what that means, I'll draw you a picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906wmq/since_passing_my_art_exam_ive_become_very/
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When you're writing a letter to Heaven about how shocked you are that there is a new elk deity

Dear God,
Dear God...
Deer God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906vly/when_youre_writing_a_letter_to_heaven_about_how/
%
I went to the zoo and all they had was one dog.

It was a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906vf4/i_went_to_the_zoo_and_all_they_had_was_one_dog/
%
My wife and I have been happily married for 7 years.

And today happens to be our 10th Anniversary!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906sig/my_wife_and_i_have_been_happily_married_for_7/
%
If at first you don't succeed,

Then maybe Russian roulette isn't for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906pm5/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
Q. Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

A. They’re called “Predick-a-mints.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906pe4/q_have_you_heard_about_the_new_mintflavored_birth/
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"Does this rag smell like choloroform?"

Best pickup-line ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906onx/does_this_rag_smell_like_choloroform/
%
What do you call a Disease which is #1 in Trending?

A Viral Disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906nn8/what_do_you_call_a_disease_which_is_1_in_trending/
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A woman asks her husband...

about the electromagnetic spectrum so that she may help her son with his homework. She asks, "sweetheart, what comes after visible light again?" The father answers, "Ultraviolet, darling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906ksj/a_woman_asks_her_husband/
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My best friend invited me to join a threesome

I've never been one for Male, Male, female threesomes because it's basically gay sex with a witness. However, my best friend who has been my best friend all my life, told me he had this smokin' hot chick coming over who wanted another guy. Being my best friend  I felt like I couldn't say no. I show up and we're going at it for well over 40 minutes. I look at my friend and say, "Dude, we've been going for a long time. I dont know how much longer I can go. When's the babe showing up?"
[Credit: some guy I saw on YouTube a few days ago]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906k6g/my_best_friend_invited_me_to_join_a_threesome/
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I found my first grey pubic hair this morning.

Normally things like this  don’t bother me, but I found it in my sausage and egg McMuffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906f5j/i_found_my_first_grey_pubic_hair_this_morning/
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I went drinking with a human centipede

The first guy could hold his liquor.
The rest of them got completely shitfaced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906d5r/i_went_drinking_with_a_human_centipede/
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Three Homemade Jokes (Puns) ENJOY

Two worms are going through a pantry. They go through some apples, pears, and other things. After a while, they get STUCK, in something hard and green. One says to the other, "Man, we really got ourselves into a pickle."
An archaeologist is going through an underground cave and comes across a woman, frozen, and preserved in time. He instantly fell in love with her. However, after a while of trying the relationship, he realized it wouldn't work out. He just couldn't break the ice.
Did you hear about the boy who ate his exam? Three hours later and he still hadn't passed his test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906cdb/three_homemade_jokes_puns_enjoy/
%
A man and his son are walking through the park NSFW

They see two dogs having sex. "What are they doing?" asked the kid. Not wanting to lie the father says "They are making puppies." Later that night the son walks into the bedroom where his parents are having sex. The son asks "what are you doing?". Not wanting to lie the dad says "making babies." The sons says "flip her over I want a puppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9069d1/a_man_and_his_son_are_walking_through_the_park/
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A group of 4 year old kids were trying very hard to become accustomed to nursery

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90697g/a_group_of_4_year_old_kids_were_trying_very_hard/
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A woman ran over my cat with her car.

The cat was killed and the woman knocked on my door. "I'm so sorry. I've accidentally killed your cat and I'd like to replace it." I said "I'm sure we can work something out, but first I need to know if you can catch mice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/906967/a_woman_ran_over_my_cat_with_her_car/
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Im fucked god

A missionary is travelling in the jungle and suddenly finds himself surrounded by a a group of warriors from a local tribe.
He begins praying to god and says, "I'm fucked god, I'm fucked". God answers him back and says, "no, you're not fucked. Grab the spear from the leader, crack it over his head and stab his son right in the heart".
Guy does as he is told by god. Wham! Bang stab! He looks up to heaven  and says to god, "what now?" God responds, "NOW you're fucked!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9068qj/im_fucked_god/
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SENILE

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -  fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said,: "We've got to give it back."
Sally said: "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said: "No."
Jerry said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said: "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9068pm/senile/
%
What's big, old, and Rocky?

Sylvester Stallone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9065ou/whats_big_old_and_rocky/
%
I was trying to console the wife of a serial killer who committed suicide.

I said, “Hey, at least he died doing what he loved.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90606v/i_was_trying_to_console_the_wife_of_a_serial/
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I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time

that she is just going to scream and run out the park.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905yf6/i_always_worry_when_a_woman_sees_me_naked_for_the/
%
A priest and a Rabbi are running out of a burning school.

The priest screams: But what about the children? The Rabbi says: Fuck the children! Then the priest stops and asks: Do you think we have time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905vxb/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_running_out_of_a_burning/
%
Dave: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?
Dave: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905vpk/dave_then_the_robber_came_through_the_door/
%
why was the fruit not having a good day

he was feeling MELONcholy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905ucm/why_was_the_fruit_not_having_a_good_day/
%
I hear a lot of talk about trump being a traitor.

Now is that a nice thing to say about a comrade?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905u4r/i_hear_a_lot_of_talk_about_trump_being_a_traitor/
%
I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day,

luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905u45/i_nearly_lost_my_job_as_a_roofer_when_i_was/
%
Instead of building walls we should be building bridges...

to Canada.  Let them deal with this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905u1z/instead_of_building_walls_we_should_be_building/
%
What do you call a Russian IT specialist?

Mr. Switchitonanov

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905q8k/what_do_you_call_a_russian_it_specialist/
%
Father Thomas, having just graduated from seminary school in Kansas, was assigned to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in NYC.

When he arrived, he was greeted by the Mother Superior, who told him that Reverend O'Donnell was out, and suggested that Thomas take a walk around NYC to see the sights.
As he’s walking down the street, a scantily-clad young woman walks up to him and says, “$25 for a quickie, Father”. Being rather naïve, and not wanting to offend her, he nods and says, “Bless you my child” as he walks away.
A short while later, another young woman approaches and says, “$25 for a quickie, Father." Again he nods and says, “Bless you my child” as he continues down the street, perplexed as to what a “quickie” is.
When he arrives back at St. Patrick’s, he sees the Mother Superior, and asks how long she has been living in NYC. “All my life,” she replies. “May I ask you a question then? What’s a 'quickie'?"
Mother Superior gives him a good look up and down, and replies: “$25 - same as downtown.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905q07/father_thomas_having_just_graduated_from_seminary/
%
I went to a really emotional wedding yesterday. Nearly everybody was crying.

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905oau/i_went_to_a_really_emotional_wedding_yesterday/
%
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me. I didn't bother showing up.

Hopefully she got the message that we were not working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905o2g/i_invited_my_girlfriend_to_go_to_the_gym_with_me/
%
All of my friends told me that 'icy' is the easiest word to spell. And after looking at it...

**I see why.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905ngs/all_of_my_friends_told_me_that_icy_is_the_easiest/
%
A father was passing by his son's bedroom one day

and was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905ext/a_father_was_passing_by_his_sons_bedroom_one_day/
%
My friend handed me a gift right before he passed away.

What the hell am I supposed to do with an EpiPen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905d6k/my_friend_handed_me_a_gift_right_before_he_passed/
%
Did you hear about the guy from jail who was refusing a nap?

He was resisting arrest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905c0o/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_from_jail_who_was/
%
I'm writing a book called "Stop Overreacting."

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905aek/im_writing_a_book_called_stop_overreacting/
%
What do you call a dog that pretends to be a cat?

Fake Mews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9058b5/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_pretends_to_be_a_cat/
%
Oh my. This painting really reminds me of my late uncle...

Because it touches me so much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9057cv/oh_my_this_painting_really_reminds_me_of_my_late/
%
My wife has left me because I'm a gambler.

How can I win her back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/905710/my_wife_has_left_me_because_im_a_gambler/
%
A cowboy rode into town

and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9054y7/a_cowboy_rode_into_town/
%
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body in combination with smoking and staying out
late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving such a lecture at this time of
night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90547x/an_elderly_man_is_stopped_by_the_police_around_2/
%
Vacations

In Amsterdam you get stoned and have sex.
In Dubai you have sex and get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9051vd/vacations/
%
A widow at a funeral

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90518e/a_widow_at_a_funeral/
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I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean...

I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/904yz7/i_read_that_a_banana_a_day_helps_to_keep_your/
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I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/904y5u/i_won_gold_at_a_weather_forecasting_event/
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On the morning of my sixteenth birthday, my parents decided to surprise me with a car.

But they missed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/904rzy/on_the_morning_of_my_sixteenth_birthday_my/
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I met this vegetarian girl who said we knew each other

But I never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/904rjb/i_met_this_vegetarian_girl_who_said_we_knew_each/
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An astronaut who travelled to the edge of the universe noticed an anomalous reading...

...his shuttle readings came back to inform him there was a flat solid matter extending from his location to the universe's horizon, like a path.
He approached cautiously but a black hole suddenly formed behind the ship. The spacecraft went haywire, lights blinking, alarms blaring and he barely put on his suit before the whole ship got torn up and he was left standing on the path. The black hole was growing and he could tell it was catching up to him as the ship was red shifted from behind until it blacked out. His only direction was towards the universe's boundary so he sprinted on this strange road.
He was running out of space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/904r9f/an_astronaut_who_travelled_to_the_edge_of_the/
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My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/904qbf/my_girlfriends_dog_died_so_to_cheer_her_up_i_got/
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I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey

But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/904nz0/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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Anyone can build a bridge that stands, but you need an Engineer if...

... you want one that just barely stands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/904lgf/anyone_can_build_a_bridge_that_stands_but_you/
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A magician was working on a cruise ship..

A magician was working on a cruise ship.
Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/904l4s/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship/
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What does a Muslim and the English weather have in common?

It's either Sunni or Shi'ite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/904glk/what_does_a_muslim_and_the_english_weather_have/
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What is the best part about holidays in the USA?

No school shootings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/904b3o/what_is_the_best_part_about_holidays_in_the_usa/
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Asked a Landscape gardener for a quote

They said they couldn’t help me as my garden was portrait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9043jj/asked_a_landscape_gardener_for_a_quote/
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"If you're good at something, never do it for free."

No wonder I've never been paid for sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/903zqb/if_youre_good_at_something_never_do_it_for_free/
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My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/903ysn/my_mum_used_to_feed_my_brother_and_i_by_saying/
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A man walks into a bar

Upon realising that bar jokes often end in humiliation, loss or death, he smashes a beer bottle to use as an impromptu weapon to defend himself.
This attracts the attention of the bouncer, who attempts to evict him. Terrified that the outside world is where he meets his fate, he stabs the man and other patrons who try to intervene, and then barricades himself in the now empty bar.
The police, upon reaching the bar, attempt to reason with him, but the man refuses all demands, forcing them to enter and detain the man with force.
He attempts to escape via the back door, not realising that that door had long been sealed over with an iron rod to deter theft.
The man walks into a bar, and says "ouch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/903sb8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I asked Peter Pan how Captain Hook would vent his frustration.

"Beat Smee," he replied.
"Oh, sorry." I said. "I thought you'd know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/903rwx/i_asked_peter_pan_how_captain_hook_would_vent_his/
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How do you buy reddit gold?

With creddit card

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/903qrj/how_do_you_buy_reddit_gold/
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What would happen if you have a wooden car, with a wooden engine, and with a wooden key?

That car wooden start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/903jyi/what_would_happen_if_you_have_a_wooden_car_with_a/
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What’s the difference between a prostitute and a bowling ball?

I don’t have a freezer full of bowling balls in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/903jlz/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
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Why are christians not able to do trigonometry?

Because Jesus took away their sin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/903jio/why_are_christians_not_able_to_do_trigonometry/
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BBC News: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of pounds a year"

Fuck, what site are they downloading them from? It's free for me..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/903e5u/bbc_news_illegally_downloading_pirated_films_is/
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Father and son talking about son being adopted

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/903ahf/father_and_son_talking_about_son_being_adopted/
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I really can't stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me

do they really have to rub it in that they have more cash than i do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9039yx/i_really_cant_stand_it_when_homeless_guys_shake/
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What's the difference between a Suicide vest and a feminist?

The suicide vest actually accomplishes something when it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/903951/whats_the_difference_between_a_suicide_vest_and_a/
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[NSFW] The Nun, the prostitute and the bride.

"Good evening, ladies" Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
"No," Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "Grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed, "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it with one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90359r/nsfw_the_nun_the_prostitute_and_the_bride/
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My dad said he started listening to BTS

I replied, "K-pop"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902zxn/my_dad_said_he_started_listening_to_bts/
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What is worse than caving in Thailand?

Caving in Helsinki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902x8a/what_is_worse_than_caving_in_thailand/
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I forgot my joke about the boomerang...

But then it came back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902wrz/i_forgot_my_joke_about_the_boomerang/
%
Why does higher workout frequency mean more injuries?

Frequency is measured in hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902vn2/why_does_higher_workout_frequency_mean_more/
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If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together

would they call it Amazon Web Services?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902r25/if_wonder_woman_and_spiderman_went_into_business/
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What does KFC and a woman have in common?

Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box
to put your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902pof/what_does_kfc_and_a_woman_have_in_common/
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Helen Keller walks into a bar...

then a wall...then a chair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902lsr/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000

.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902lhv/a_mafia_godfather_finds_out_that_his_bookkeeper/
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A scientist is driving around the countryside looking for elderly test subjects to measure how people live longer.

She comes across a dilapidated cabin with a very old and worn-out man sitting in the rocking chair on his front porch.
The scientist approaches the man and says “pardon me, sir, but what’s your secret to long life?”
The man says “I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, drink chocolate milk for breakfast and eat burgers for lunch and dinner, and I wash it all down with a swig of hard liquor”.
“Wow!” exclaims the scientist. Exactly how old are you?”
“26.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902lep/a_scientist_is_driving_around_the_countryside/
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What is the only meat a priest eats on Fridays?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902kvg/what_is_the_only_meat_a_priest_eats_on_fridays/
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My friends know me as sweet, funny, and non-confrontational

And my enemies know me as sweet, funny, and non-confrontational

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902k5v/my_friends_know_me_as_sweet_funny_and/
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I hate these double standards

If you burn a body at a crematorium, you are “doing a good job”, but do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902id6/i_hate_these_double_standards/
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What do I do if my boss insists on paying me under the table?

I’d rather him just hand me my check standing up. It’s hard to crawl under there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902gxl/what_do_i_do_if_my_boss_insists_on_paying_me/
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I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I’m already on Stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902eoe/i_dont_get_why_people_say_cancer_is_hard_to_beat/
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What do you call a new locomotive?

A trainee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902cah/what_do_you_call_a_new_locomotive/
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I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl

Momma always taught me to eat my vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902c7k/im_always_willing_to_go_down_on_a_handicapped_girl/
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Is it solipsistic in here...

Or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/902c46/is_it_solipsistic_in_here/
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A man walks into a Coffee Shop

And orders an espresso. While drinking it, a massively scarred Norwegian dude stumbles in the bar.
"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his espresso.
"There's a Chupacabra 10km east from here." The Norwegian dude rasps before dying.
So the Man gets on his tricycle and travels 10km east and sure enough there's a Chupacabra. Eventually the man manages to defeat it. A Canadian monk approaches the man.
"You seem very strong, do you mind helping me?" The Canadian monk asks.
"Sure, what do you need?" The man replies. The monk tells him of a hidden temple in the desert. So the man hires a private helicopter and flies into the desert where he meets a golem. The golem asks him a riddle.
"What has a foot but no legs?"
After 13 hours the man figures out the answer, a snail. The sphinx leads him to the temple. As the man goes through the temple he has to kill hundreds of puppies but finally he makes it to the top floor where there is a yellow jewel.
He picks up the jewel and a rocketship appears. Bored, the man gets into the rocketship and flies through the galaxy, exploring a ton of planets including Namek and Jupiter. Finally the man finds a tiny planet with the surface area of a football field. He sets foot on it when a daisy ambushes him.
"Hello, will you take me to earth?" The daisy asks.
"Sure." The man says.
"You're a great dude so I'll grant you one wish." The daisy promises.
"Could you make me a watch that measures time 100% accurately wherever I am?" The man asks.
"Do you realise how advanced that technology would need to be. It would need to take into account relativity, gravity, your velocity and tons of other factors." The daisy moans.
"Ok, can you stop people reposting on r/jokes whilst only changing the setup?" The man says.
"What kind of watch again?" The daisy asks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9026kk/a_man_walks_into_a_coffee_shop/
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Where do squirrels go in a hurricane?

All over the place!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90265s/where_do_squirrels_go_in_a_hurricane/
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Trump is a very reasonable man

Sorry I misspoke. I meant Trump is a very treasonable man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/90214j/trump_is_a_very_reasonable_man/
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Yo momma’s so poor

The ducks throw bread at her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/901ybx/yo_mommas_so_poor/
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Top 10 most important sciences

10. It is
9. impossible
8. to rank
7. the importance
6. of science
5. because
4. all of them
3. are equally
2. important.
1. Physics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/901x25/top_10_most_important_sciences/
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Doctor: I’ve got some bad news and some even worse news

Patient: What’s the bad news?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live
Patient: What? What could be worse than that?!
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/901wc5/doctor_ive_got_some_bad_news_and_some_even_worse/
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I was pretty sure I’d had this mustard before...

Must’ve been Dijon-Vu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/901vqv/i_was_pretty_sure_id_had_this_mustard_before/
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A group of blondes...

A group of blondes have a convention to prove that blondes are not dumb. They have a mathematician there to ask them questions. He calls one of the blondes up to the stage and asks her,  “What is 50 multiples by 3.”
The blonde thinks for a second, then says, “100?”
“That is incorrect” says the mathematician.
The whole group of blondes chant “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE, GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”
So he asks the blonde, “what is 20 divided by 2?”
The blonde thinks for a moment, then says, “35?”
“That is incorrect” says the mathematician.
The whole group of blondes chant “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE, GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”
He says “Okay here is a simple one: what is 2 plus 2?”
After a minute, the blonde answers “4?”
And the whole group of blondes chant “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE, GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/901ut3/a_group_of_blondes/
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Did you hear the joke about my roof?

...it goes over most people's heads...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/901sma/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_my_roof/
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A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/901rx7/a_guy_sits_down_in_a_diner_and_asks_for_a_bowl_of/
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My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape, but she suddenly got all pissed off...

...when I started to hold auditions for her part...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/901qup/my_wife_and_i_decided_to_make_our_own_sex_tape/
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A few hundred years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s only export.

And import.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/901qn6/a_few_hundred_years_ago_the_boomerang_was/
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Why did the witch have so many hickies?

She was dating a necromancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/901pel/why_did_the_witch_have_so_many_hickies/
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You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/901nrl/you_know_the_difference_between_a_woman_attending/
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Should, shouldn't and misspeaking: Two blokes having a drink..

Bob: "I had a freudian slip the other day."
Norm: Wtf is a freudian slip?
Bob: It's when you mean to say one thing, but your subconcious turns it into something else. For example, I was at a party the other night and a lovely busty young lady was carrying around a bowl of chips offering them to the guests. What I meant to say was, "ooh lovely chips!" but what I actually said was, "ooh lovely tits!" - very embarrassing.
Norm: Oh yeh! I know those. I had a freaudian slip just this morning.
Bob: What happened?
Norm: Well I was at the breakfast table with my wife, and what I meant to say was, "Can you pass me the cereal please Norma?" but what I actually said was, "You ruined my life you f*&king bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/901ilo/should_shouldnt_and_misspeaking_two_blokes_having/
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A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.

"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/901gi2/a_boy_is_watching_tv_with_his_father_when_a_sex/
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Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!
Husband:   "My wife of 15 years is missing.  She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff:   "Height?"
Husband:   "I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff:   "Weight?"
Husband:   "Don't know.  Not slim, not really fat."
Sheriff:   "Color of eyes?"
Husband:   "Sort of brown I think.  Never really noticed."
Sheriff:   "Color of hair?"
Husband:   "Changes a couple times a year.  Maybe dark brown now.  I can't remember."
Sheriff:    "What was she wearing?"
Husband:   "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts.  I don't know exactly."
Sheriff:   "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband:   "She went in my truck."
Sheriff:   "What kind of truck was it?"
Husband:   "A 2016 Brilliant Diesel Grey Pearlcoat Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4 l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, backup and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats.  Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets.  I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.  It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting."
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: "Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!"
(Thanks to Ron P.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/901ffl/wife_missing/
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What do you call a lonely pair of pants?

Pantalones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9015zn/what_do_you_call_a_lonely_pair_of_pants/
%
My wife was in labor with our daughter

, everything was going well until she started shouting
"Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!".
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing, she is just having contractions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9013w1/my_wife_was_in_labor_with_our_daughter/
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Do you know why there are no jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?

The punchline is too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900wl4/do_you_know_why_there_are_no_jokes_about_the/
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Hypnotherapy

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?".
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back”.
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "OMG, you naughty man!!” (As she bites her lip).
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back into the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900vs2/hypnotherapy/
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Did you know if you photograph your butt the picture will never come out blurry?

Hindsight is always 20/20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900u6k/did_you_know_if_you_photograph_your_butt_the/
%
I'm a recovering alcoholic...

Recovering from a hangover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900rmt/im_a_recovering_alcoholic/
%
A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying.

A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?"
She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more.
He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, and has an idea.
He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her "Well, you're fucked now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900ra9/a_girl_with_no_arms_and_no_legs_is_sitting_on_the/
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Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900qxo/dr_frankenstein_went_to_a_bodybuilding_competition/
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Asexual reproduction is reproduction with only one party

And lots of alcohol and bad decisions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900qlw/asexual_reproduction_is_reproduction_with_only/
%
Dad...

"Dad, why is my sister Teresa called Teresa?"
"Well, son, your mum loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter and so we named her Teresa"
"Thanks, Dad."
"No problem, Alan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900mxo/dad/
%
Have you seen of the movie constipation?

No? That's because it hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900lru/have_you_seen_of_the_movie_constipation/
%
What happens on a strict ship?

The seamen go anal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900jcz/what_happens_on_a_strict_ship/
%
Impeach.

Hi Peach, I'm Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900ioh/impeach/
%
A humor-challenged preacher really wanted to try to use jokes to make his sermons more engaging.

One day, he went to hear a speech, and the speaker said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!". The audience was shocked. The speaker then said the punchline, "and that woman was my mother!" and he got a lot of laughs.
The preacher decided to copy that joke at the beginning of his sermon. So he said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!". Unfortunately, he forgot the punchline. So he finished with, "and sadly, I don't remember who she was!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900eot/a_humorchallenged_preacher_really_wanted_to_try/
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Why were dinosaurs so big?

Because Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900e90/why_were_dinosaurs_so_big/
%
What do you call a sick Darth Vader?

Barf Vader
-Courtesy of my 6 year old nephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900cih/what_do_you_call_a_sick_darth_vader/
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I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?"

I replied, "Fuck knows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900bgh/i_went_to_a_party_but_to_my_horror_everyone_was/
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I realized why priests always have sex scandals with boys

There are women around but they don’t want nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900b10/i_realized_why_priests_always_have_sex_scandals/
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For me, the term "stay-at-home dad" isn't just a term...

It's something my kids say whenever there's a family outing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/900aj8/for_me_the_term_stayathome_dad_isnt_just_a_term/
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How to get laid in 3 simple steps

* Lay on your bed
* Wait 2 hours
* Lay becomes past tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9008o2/how_to_get_laid_in_3_simple_steps/
%
A man walks into a bar alone and sits down at the table. It’s just him and the bartender, but out of nowhere he starts hearing these voices.

“Hey there, like your shirt!”
“Sweet tie”
“Looking good with that haircut”
“Wow you’re handsome ”
Blushing, but scared and confused, the man looks to the bartender and asks, “Okay, am I going crazy or do you hear those voices too?”
With a laugh the bartender replies, “Oh, don’t mind them. Those are just the complimentary peanuts!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9006uw/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_alone_and_sits_down_at_the/
%
I bought a dog from a locksmith

As soon as I got home it made a bolt for the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9005c7/i_bought_a_dog_from_a_locksmith/
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A Bus filled with Catholic School girls droves off a cliff

A bus filled with Catholic school girls goes off a cliff and they all die.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Erica, have you ever had any contact with a penis? She giggles and shyly replies, "I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Sarah, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
Suddenly there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Ashley, What is going on here?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9002i4/a_bus_filled_with_catholic_school_girls_droves/
%
There's this bar on top of the Empire State Building

The first guy looks at the second guy and says" you know the wind is so strong up here, if you jump out the window, it'll carry you right back up."
The second guy looks at the first and says "I'm not stupid I'm not going to kill myself."
The first guy says "watch." So he heads over to the window and jumps out. Sure enough, he floats right Back inside.
The second guy looks at the first with his jaw on the ground. He says "that's fucking amazing! I'm gunna try it!"
He jumps out the window, *SPLAT* dead on the concrete.
Bartender looks at the first guy and says "man you're a dick when you drink, superman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zzz47/theres_this_bar_on_top_of_the_empire_state/
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What is Harry Potter's favorite way of going down the hill?

Walking
.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zzysx/what_is_harry_potters_favorite_way_of_going_down/
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A man and woman meet in an elevator

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zzw71/a_man_and_woman_meet_in_an_elevator/
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Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?
Doctor: Skeletons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zzrz7/doctor_looking_at_my_xrays_this_is_exactly_what_i/
%
A man is walking up and down a beach when he comes across a crying woman with no arms and no legs...

He asks the woman, “Why are you crying?”
She responds “Well, I’ve never been hugged.” So, he picks her up and hugs her, before continuing down the beach.
An hour or so later, he walks by the still crying woman again. He asks her, “Why are you still crying?”
She replies, “Well, truth is I’ve never been kissed either.” So the man picks her up and kisses her, before continuing down the beach.
Finally on his last trip down the beach he sees the woman again, still crying. He says “I hugged you and kissed you, so why are you still sad?”
She shyly responds, “Well, I’ve never been fucked either.” Slowly the man picks her up, and tosses her in the water.
“Now you’re fucked.” The man says before continuing down the beach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zzqpe/a_man_is_walking_up_and_down_a_beach_when_he/
%
What do you get when a gay man tucks his weenier between his legs

A fruit cocktail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zzow8/what_do_you_get_when_a_gay_man_tucks_his_weenier/
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What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zzo02/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
I witnessed the weirdest arrest today.

I walked into an Arco and noticed 2 officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas.  Moments later, the woman's arm caught on fire.
She swung her arms frantically seeking help. The officers put her on the ground and successfully put the fire out with their coffee.
Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in their patrol car.
I asked the officers what they were arresting her for. The officer looked me square in the eyes, and said, "WAVING AROUND A FIRE ARM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zzhuy/i_witnessed_the_weirdest_arrest_today/
%
We should have known Communism was going to fail...

There were a lot of red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zz66g/we_should_have_known_communism_was_going_to_fail/
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Barack Obama walks into a Subaru dealership...

The salesman asked him, "What are you looking for?"
Obama says, "I'm looking for a replacement because my legacy got wrecked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zz5uj/barack_obama_walks_into_a_subaru_dealership/
%
I'm not passive aggressive,

Unlike *some* people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zz4za/im_not_passive_aggressive/
%
I can break wood by just looking at it

It's true, i saw it with my own eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zz23p/i_can_break_wood_by_just_looking_at_it/
%
Bad experience buying a dog from a Blacksmith

as soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zyzas/bad_experience_buying_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith/
%
A dog eats a ball of string and it comes out tied

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zyyu9/a_dog_eats_a_ball_of_string_and_it_comes_out_tied/
%
A book just fell on my head

I’ve only got my shelf to blame...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zyxue/a_book_just_fell_on_my_head/
%
A warehouse worker...

A warehouse worker is getting ready to ship a bunch of cases of disgusting, prepackaged food, but he can't get it to fit properly on a skid.
The food was unpalletable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zym7a/a_warehouse_worker/
%
How did Trump win the Presidential Race?

He was Russian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zyh8q/how_did_trump_win_the_presidential_race/
%
My wife left me after I spent all our savings on penis enlargement surgery

She says she just couldn't take it any longer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zyfnk/my_wife_left_me_after_i_spent_all_our_savings_on/
%
I had a dream last night...

In my dream I was watching a band play. Buddha was playing guitar, Jesus was playing bass, Mohammed was singing, and Zeus was playing the drums. After the show, Zeus came down and gave me a large metal disc. I think it was a cymbal from god.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zybwq/i_had_a_dream_last_night/
%
Want to hear a bad icebreaker?

The Titanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zy75e/want_to_hear_a_bad_icebreaker/
%
What did the Pharaoh say to his buddy when they both farted?

It looks like you and I Tutankhamun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zxtw9/what_did_the_pharaoh_say_to_his_buddy_when_they/
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Trump and The Queen

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give     me?"
"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"
Theresa May walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa May answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Pence ran in to Sarah Palin in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"
Pence then, went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
It's Sarah Palin!"
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE  .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zxsec/trump_and_the_queen/
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I have sex daily

Dammit, I mean dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zxnsu/i_have_sex_daily/
%
A man is walking along a beach, suddenly he hears a booming voice from the heavens.

"DIG!" says the voice. The man looks around, a little confused. "DIG!" Booms the voice again. The man thinks what the fuck and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts "OPEN!" He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again "CASINO!" Fuck it, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout "ROULETTE!" He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions. "16 BLACK!" the voice says So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red. "FUCK!" booms the voice...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zxivo/a_man_is_walking_along_a_beach_suddenly_he_hears/
%
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two. The question is how did they get into the lightbulb in the first place?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zxifr/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
What’s the difference between a man falling from a 40 story building and a 4 story building?

One goes: “Ahhhhhhhhh.... Splat”
And the other goes: “Splat....Ahhhhhhhhh”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zxh1y/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_falling_from_a/
%
What did Matthew McConaughey say when his friends asked him if he wanted to go on a rollercoaster?

"I'll ride, I'll ride, I'll ride"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zxgxv/what_did_matthew_mcconaughey_say_when_his_friends/
%
I have a fridge that beeps when it detects mold

Spoiler alert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zxfg7/i_have_a_fridge_that_beeps_when_it_detects_mold/
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A man is leaving his wife

A man decides he's had enough of his wife and is going to leave her, so he tells her:
"I'm gonna go find some new pussy" to which she replies:
"If you had 2 more inches of dick, you'd find some here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zxdav/a_man_is_leaving_his_wife/
%
You're so unfuckable that, if you found a lamp, rubbed it, a genie popped out and you wished to not die a virgin...

He'd make you immortal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zxbvu/youre_so_unfuckable_that_if_you_found_a_lamp/
%
A cow and a chicken were framed

And thrown into prison. They knew they had to get out to bring the criminals to justice so they spent weeks designing escape plans. Finally, a month after they had been thrown in, they escaped in the middle of the night. However, they weren't silent enough and they had to flee from the prison guards. They led them on a desperate chase through the country, over hills and fields. Finally they came to a road. "This is it," said the cow. "Once we're on the other side we'll be across the border and free from the guards". The chicken looks sadly at the road and replies "You go on ahead" The cow stares at him, aghast that he was giving up his plans so quickly. "Why are you giving up now after all the time we've spent planning?" The chicken replied, "If I cross that road, they'll never stop asking questions"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zxbuj/a_cow_and_a_chicken_were_framed/
%
Little Johnny says "I'm sorry I'm late, teacher, my dad got burned this morning."

The teacher says, "Very badly?" and Little Johnny says "Well, they don't fuck about at the crematorium!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zx2ie/little_johnny_says_im_sorry_im_late_teacher_my/
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[NSFW] Asked my girlfriend

If I nut in her eye, does that mean she's watching my kids?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zx1hv/nsfw_asked_my_girlfriend/
%
Tarzan of the apes

.. was fighting a lion in Africa. He won, but at the price of his eye, his arm, and his dick. His jungle friends back home said they would help him out by giving him the spare parts he needed.
They gave him an eye of an eagle, an arm of a gorilla, and an elephant's trunk for a dick.
Two weeks later a chimp stopped by and asked Tarzan how his new parts were.
Tarzan said "Eye make Tarzan see far, Arm make Tarzan strong, but Tarzan no like new Wee-wee".
The chimp asked "Why not?".
Tarzan replied "It keeps picking weeds and shoving up Tarzans ass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zx1hi/tarzan_of_the_apes/
%
They say the value of something increases when you shout it out...

5 = 5
5! = 120

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zwzb0/they_say_the_value_of_something_increases_when/
%
Someone tried to steal my dyslexia music collection

I nearly lost my hits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zww2k/someone_tried_to_steal_my_dyslexia_music/
%
A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:
Johnny ate his own lunch after school.
Johnny ate his own colon after school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zww1y/a_colon_in_a_sentence_can_make_a_huge_difference/
%
I knew a couple who named thier kid illidan stormrage

All i could think was: "Wow.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zwthz/i_knew_a_couple_who_named_thier_kid_illidan/
%
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zwqq6/my_girlfriend_borrowed_100_from_me_after_3years/
%
„Mom, I‘m almost 18 now. Ashley and Nicole always wear the hottest outfits in school and their parents don‘t mind. So please, please can I wear the short black skirt and the cute white top tomorrow?“

„For the last time Robert, no!!!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zwpjh/mom_im_almost_18_now_ashley_and_nicole_always/
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Canadians are always viewed as nice and polite but so help me, if they invade the US...

They'll be sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zwpi0/canadians_are_always_viewed_as_nice_and_polite/
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Memory

A tourist was introduced to an Indian in New Mexico, who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptically, the tourist asked, "What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943?"
The Indian answered, "Eggs."
The man scoffed, "Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony. "
Thirteen years later, the traveller's train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform. The tourist went up to him and said jovially, "How!"
The Indian answered, "Scrambled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zwolh/memory/
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When you turn pi/2 in 1

Forgive me God for I have sinned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zwn7k/when_you_turn_pi2_in_1/
%
No one ever asks how Coke is doing.

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zwmvz/no_one_ever_asks_how_coke_is_doing/
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What do you call someone who sleeps with a lot of men?

Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zwhp5/what_do_you_call_someone_who_sleeps_with_a_lot_of/
%
Why was Donald Trump watching the Summer Olympics?

To see how high the Mexican pole vaulters could go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zweuk/why_was_donald_trump_watching_the_summer_olympics/
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Willies and boobies

A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
the son asks.
“Yes.
You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zw82h/willies_and_boobies/
%
The other day I had to go to the bank...

There was an old woman in line ahead of me, and she was having trouble with the ATM.
She turned to me and asked to help check her balance.
So I shoved her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zw80x/the_other_day_i_had_to_go_to_the_bank/
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Ever since i've installed adblock

all single girls in my area seems to have lost interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zw7ww/ever_since_ive_installed_adblock/
%
What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zw2cl/what_professional_sport_would_be_more_fun_to/
%
What did Sherlock Holmes say after being asked to get a paternity test?

Wat*son*?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zvyd0/what_did_sherlock_holmes_say_after_being_asked_to/
%
Snails.

A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car, and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed. He slaps the roof of one, and says “this is the last one that’s built for speed”. The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say ‘look at that S car go!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zvu2a/snails/
%
I smashed a sheet of glass on the floor and I can't find the last piece....

It's a bit of a pane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zvpth/i_smashed_a_sheet_of_glass_on_the_floor_and_i/
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After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest...

...It was a huge bust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zvmpm/after_i_stole_the_priceless_statue_and_turned_the/
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A man walks into work with two black eyes.

His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zvmiq/a_man_walks_into_work_with_two_black_eyes/
%
What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNEEEEOOOOWWWWW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zvirk/what_do_we_want/
%
God said, “Come forth and you will have eternal life”,

But John came fifth and won a toaster instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zviaj/god_said_come_forth_and_you_will_have_eternal_life/
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A man gazes out his window, pondering the mysteries of life...

Because his phone ran out of battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zvfpe/a_man_gazes_out_his_window_pondering_the/
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What classic game do Hawaiian kids love the most?

The floor is lava.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zvf9v/what_classic_game_do_hawaiian_kids_love_the_most/
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What is long, hard to handle and keeps her up all night?

Clinical Depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zvew1/what_is_long_hard_to_handle_and_keeps_her_up_all/
%
Ok, I admit it! I masturbate with soap...

That’s me coming clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zvds4/ok_i_admit_it_i_masturbate_with_soap/
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The first thing a man notices about a woman is her eyes..

And when he made sure it's not looking his way,he checks out her tits ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zvcmv/the_first_thing_a_man_notices_about_a_woman_is/
%
At the Helsinki Summit, Russia offered to supply both Translators

Which is nice considering they supplied both President

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zv644/at_the_helsinki_summit_russia_offered_to_supply/
%
I have this stupid obsession to check whether the oven is on and that the doors are locked.

I really hate my job at the crematorium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zuqvf/i_have_this_stupid_obsession_to_check_whether_the/
%
"What's your biggest weakness?"

"I often mislead people."
"Really?"
"No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zupbv/whats_your_biggest_weakness/
%
How do you know your girlfriend's getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zuoct/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriends_getting_fat/
%
I tried circumcision without the proper equipment.

It was a bit of a stretch, but I managed to pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zul5f/i_tried_circumcision_without_the_proper_equipment/
%
I was looking for a new psychic when I noticed they were either obese or anorexic.

Is it that hard to find a healthy medium?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zujom/i_was_looking_for_a_new_psychic_when_i_noticed/
%
I went to the most nonchalent doctor for an MRI scan...

...after all the trouble of going in the machine he randomly decided to cancel the appointment before even turning it on.
Zero flux given.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zui2p/i_went_to_the_most_nonchalent_doctor_for_an_mri/
%
I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...

I thought it'd be a piece of cake...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zuhza/i_cant_believe_no_one_has_managed_to_come_up_with/
%
For years, I've suspected my wife of adding soil to my garden and when I asked her about it, she just giggled and shrugged...

The plot thickens...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zufwa/for_years_ive_suspected_my_wife_of_adding_soil_to/
%
Even if the universe ends with a Big Freeze

We'll be 0K!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zueux/even_if_the_universe_ends_with_a_big_freeze/
%
A cannibal is on trial for murder and cannibalism...

He's called up to the witness stand and the prosecutor asks him if he pleads guilty or innocent.
"Innocent!" he says.
The prosecutor asks him to prove it.
The cannibal answers, "Well, you are what you eat, right? So I am an innocent man!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zu9n5/a_cannibal_is_on_trial_for_murder_and_cannibalism/
%
Called my wife the other day from work: “BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS”

Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ztx7e/called_my_wife_the_other_day_from_work_babe_my/
%
Three people are called for an interview...

... Before the day of the interview the employer took the guys out for a fancy dinner to sense the strengths and weaknesses of his future employee.
The day of the interview.
The first guy went in. The employer asked several questions and the guy answered. The employer was impressed with Guy # 1. He asked one last question
"What is the fastest thing in world?" the employer asked.
"Electricity. Because if you flip a switch a light would (*snaps*) instantly fill the room" Guy # 1 responded.
Again the employer was impressed.
He called in Guy # 2 for the interview. The interview went well and the employer was impressed too with Guy # 2 so he asked the same last question.
"Thought" said Guy # 2
"Because thoughts are made in an instant. It built wonders around the world."
Again, the employer was impressed.
He called in the last interviewee.
Guy # 3 was pale and looked sickly. He was sweating all over.
"Are you okay?" the employer asked.
"I'm fine. Please let's push on with the interview" said Guy # 3.
The interview went well with Guy # 3. The employer again asked the same question.
"Diarrhea" said Guy # 3
"Excuse me?" said the Employer confusingly
"You see. After dinner last night my stomach went bad. As I went to the bathroom before I could even think and turn on the lights, shit came out."
He got the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ztwg5/three_people_are_called_for_an_interview/
%
I don't know how I failed my driving exam.

The guy was checking me out the whole time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ztuj3/i_dont_know_how_i_failed_my_driving_exam/
%
Just heard that Victoria's Secret has a new bra called "Croatia".

It has lot of support, but no Cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ztuh1/just_heard_that_victorias_secret_has_a_new_bra/
%
How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort in 2015?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ztphj/how_much_cocaine_did_charlie_sheen_snort_in_2015/
%
Wife: "I'm having an affair".

Me: [handing menu back to waiter] I'll have the affair as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ztmhx/wife_im_having_an_affair/
%
I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mum promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ztl4l/i_wasnt_going_to_visit_my_family_this_december/
%
What does a prostitute call their genitals?

Their public parts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zthx6/what_does_a_prostitute_call_their_genitals/
%
I thought there was something wrong with my mouse.

Then it clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ztgq5/i_thought_there_was_something_wrong_with_my_mouse/
%
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.

It’s nice to have a bit of company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ztdeo/i_was_feeling_lonely_so_i_bought_some_shares/
%
“Son I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime”

Son: “Why was it something I said?”
Dad: “Yes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ztck1/son_i_dont_think_youre_cut_out_to_be_a_mime/
%
Why did the cross eyed teacher get sacked?

He couldn't control his pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ztcbn/why_did_the_cross_eyed_teacher_get_sacked/
%
Why did Punctuation ruin Santa's marriage?

Because a comma seperates two clauses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ztbl2/why_did_punctuation_ruin_santas_marriage/
%
What do you call an overly emotional tree with a speech impediment?

Twee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ztay4/what_do_you_call_an_overly_emotional_tree_with_a/
%
I tried to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zt7k7/i_tried_to_force_feed_my_child/
%
I used to go out with an Anesthesiologist.

She was a local girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zt3oq/i_used_to_go_out_with_an_anesthesiologist/
%
A Scottish priest finds a dead pig.

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the side of the road. So he calls the police to inform them.
A cocky sergeant answers the call.
"Did ye read him his last rites?" the sergeant smirked
"Naw." replies the priest. "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zsu4v/a_scottish_priest_finds_a_dead_pig/
%
I got arrested in Clarksville for accidentally killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zsu00/i_got_arrested_in_clarksville_for_accidentally/
%
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fucks Funny!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zsp8k/what_do_you_call_a_rabbit_with_a_bent_dick/
%
What's big, grey, and doesn't really matter?

An irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zskkx/whats_big_grey_and_doesnt_really_matter/
%
What do you call a cow spying on another cow?

A steak out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zsjf6/what_do_you_call_a_cow_spying_on_another_cow/
%
Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zsby4/communism_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm.

However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zsala/two_eskimos_light_a_fire_in_their_boat_in_an/
%
How many physicians do you need to interrupt the space time continuum?

It takes a paradox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zs9k6/how_many_physicians_do_you_need_to_interrupt_the/
%
What's the difference between this sub and fencing?

In fencing people don't carry on and yell every time there's a riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zs7b9/whats_the_difference_between_this_sub_and_fencing/
%
Coach always used to say "Aim for the skies, boy".

He doesn't say that anymore after I blinded myself at archery practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zs5tv/coach_always_used_to_say_aim_for_the_skies_boy/
%
3 wives want to decide what to wear

The first one says, "My husband has black hair so I will wear a black dress"
The second one says, "My husband has grey hair so I will wear a grey dress"
The third wife, on hear this starts panicking.
When asked she tell the other two, "My husband is bald"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zs3el/3_wives_want_to_decide_what_to_wear/
%
Give a man firewood he will be warm for a night

Set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zs2ys/give_a_man_firewood_he_will_be_warm_for_a_night/
%
My last too brain cells trying to have a conversation lmao

Now there’s won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zrzn7/my_last_too_brain_cells_trying_to_have_a/
%
A married couple are in bed one morning.

"I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for $100 each and thick dicks were going for $200.”
“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”
“They were giving dicks like yours away for free,” says the wife.
“That’s funny, actually,” he replies, “because I had a dream that I was at a vagina auction. Juicy cunts were going for $500 and tight cunts were going for a grand.”
“How about mine?” asks the wife.
“That’s where they were holding the auction.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zry3l/a_married_couple_are_in_bed_one_morning/
%
Why did the white supremacist only go out at night?

He didn't want anyone to know that his shadow was black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zrxlo/why_did_the_white_supremacist_only_go_out_at_night/
%
A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zruex/a_sperm_cell_contains_about_375_mb_of_information/
%
When copper reacts,

....you get lead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zru04/when_copper_reacts/
%
What do you call it when you're scared of half the world?

A hemis**fear**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zrt9h/what_do_you_call_it_when_youre_scared_of_half_the/
%
A man walks in to a psychiatrist office wearing nothing except seran wrap.

To which the doctor replies
"I can clearly see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zrt6p/a_man_walks_in_to_a_psychiatrist_office_wearing/
%
What is the password for all of Forest Gumps's accounts?

1forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zrr8l/what_is_the_password_for_all_of_forest_gumpss/
%
A dwarf walks into a bar

and orders a beer. The bartender tells him it will be $7. The dwarf asks if he'll take $5. The bartender says "Nah, you're 2 short".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zrp2l/a_dwarf_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An active and successful widowed man finds himself at the end of his days in an upscale assisted living home.

His consoling and rich friends came to spend the last days with the man. While he was still coherent, they decide to hire him a hooker for a final hurrah.
They make the arrangements and the beautiful bubbly woman arrives at the nursing home for the assist a while later. She tells the man “Your friends sent me here to give you some super sex!”
The man contemplated a bit and carefully replies to the woman “I think I’ll have the soup.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zrobg/an_active_and_successful_widowed_man_finds/
%
I love whiteboards

They're remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zrn4u/i_love_whiteboards/
%
A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner.

A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and
decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell
her that he had to "work late" and she said, "no problem."
After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex
for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on
his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going
to tell his wife?
He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and
happy dog. Inspired, he fell to the floor and pretended to
fight off the affectionate dog.
Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living
room and exclaimed," Honey! Look at what the dog did to my
neck!"
His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's
nothing, look at what he did to my tits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zrme0/a_married_man_had_a_sweet_young_thing_of_a/
%
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to
become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a
suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds
and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast
because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture
shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes
the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha!
He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you
two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING
because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best
answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to
the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is
your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"
. . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and
says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really
doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few
minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on
that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the
suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming
smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE!
The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work!
How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zriso/a_policeman_was_interrogating_3_blondes_who_were/
%
What do get when you cross a sheep with a cop?

A fleece officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zrijj/what_do_get_when_you_cross_a_sheep_with_a_cop/
%
I heard there's going to be a movie called "The Man Who Killed Hitler".

At least we know who the main character is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zrg1s/i_heard_theres_going_to_be_a_movie_called_the_man/
%
They say there's a safety in numbers

Tell that to the 6 million jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zrfjb/they_say_theres_a_safety_in_numbers/
%
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zrefl/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
I think Trump is doing a fantastic job.

Sorry, I misspoke...ISN'T doing a fantastic job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zrclw/i_think_trump_is_doing_a_fantastic_job/
%
A poll was taken in California, asking if people thought illegal immigration was a serious problem. 29 percent said, 'Yes, it is a serious problem.'

71 percent said, 'No es un problema serio.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zr9s7/a_poll_was_taken_in_california_asking_if_people/
%
I farted in my wallet

Now I have gas money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zr99t/i_farted_in_my_wallet/
%
What's the difference between an open box of stinky cheese and a Kung Fu master?

One is loose brie and the other is Bruce Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zr8fz/whats_the_difference_between_an_open_box_of/
%
A man and his wife.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zr5ot/a_man_and_his_wife/
%
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zr2mb/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
I like my women how I like my coffee

*sips tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zr2j3/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
An 18-wheeler spilled a load of strawberry preserves on the interstate today

It was a real traffic jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zr0eg/an_18wheeler_spilled_a_load_of_strawberry/
%
How do you tell if a politician is lying?

Their lips move.
It's also how you can tell if Trump's reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zqxvr/how_do_you_tell_if_a_politician_is_lying/
%
One day

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zqxb7/one_day/
%
A geman goes to the french border

A german goes to the french border and talks to an customs agent.
Agent: "Occupation?"
German: "Not today"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zqsg0/a_geman_goes_to_the_french_border/
%
What letter of the alphabet does a pirate yearn for the most?

You’d think it was the c but it’s actually his i

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zqoxe/what_letter_of_the_alphabet_does_a_pirate_yearn/
%
my gf asked me why I call her squirrel

me: because you're short, cute, jumpy, have a bushy tail, and are always on my nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zqmz4/my_gf_asked_me_why_i_call_her_squirrel/
%
A man gets a letter from his Lawyer

Since he hasn't needed a lawyer in several years he is somewhat surprised by this, so he opens it up and is surprised to see it's bill.
"Hello Bob,
The other day I thought I saw you, I crossed the street to say hello but it wasn't you, so I crossed back.
$50 for time worked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zqfwm/a_man_gets_a_letter_from_his_lawyer/
%
My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zqfca/my_wife_hates_it_when_our_next_door_neighbor/
%
Whats the difference between us and a bullet?

We miss Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zq56p/whats_the_difference_between_us_and_a_bullet/
%
How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese?

Konichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zq41a/how_do_you_say_sup_dawg_in_japanese/
%
[politics] How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Republicans don't change light bulbs. They hide the ladders, sell the bulbs, blame Democrats for the dark, and send thoughts and prayers to anyone who trips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zq3w2/politics_how_many_republicans_does_it_take_to/
%
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?

Prime mates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zpxpk/what_do_you_call_two_monkeys_sharing_an_amazon/
%
My mother always said, 'It's now or never'.

Wonderful woman, absolutely shit at crosswords.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zptxf/my_mother_always_said_its_now_or_never/
%
What's Batman's favourite fruit?

Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na grapefruit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zpssn/whats_batmans_favourite_fruit/
%
Whats the difference between gay and lesbian?

The search results

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zpq7c/whats_the_difference_between_gay_and_lesbian/
%
Dropped my swear jar on my foot.

Just to see if I'd learnt anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zpmh6/dropped_my_swear_jar_on_my_foot/
%
I just got a huge bouquet of roses for my wife

I thought it was a pretty good trade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zpjol/i_just_got_a_huge_bouquet_of_roses_for_my_wife/
%
What is the most formal vegetable?

Collard greens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zpgn6/what_is_the_most_formal_vegetable/
%
A true american hero.

A young woman is attacked by what apppears to be a rabid stray dog. Before the dog can injure her further, a young man steps in and starts fighting with the dog - Unfortunately though he is forced to kill it. Shortly after, a police officer who has been watching the scene rushes over.
"Son, that was incredible! Youre a hero! I tried to help, but I couldnt get a clean shot on that beast. I can already see tomorrows newspaper: Young American Saves Woman From Savage Beast!"
"Well, thank you for your kind words Officer, but to tell you the truth Im not American."
"Well, I guess then it will be: Young Latino saves Woman..."
"Im not Latino either Sir."
"Italian American?"
"No Sir."
The Officer, clearly getting agitated responds:
"Damnit son, where youre from then?"
"Im an Iraqi tourist."
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper:
Muslim Terrorist jailed after killing innocent pet dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zpa73/a_true_american_hero/
%
Whats the difference between us and a bullet?

We miss Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zp60i/whats_the_difference_between_us_and_a_bullet/
%
What do you call a person that farts a lot and gets away with it?

Jack the Ripper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zp2hf/what_do_you_call_a_person_that_farts_a_lot_and/
%
Why does Jesus hates playing video games?

Because it takes him three days to respawn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zp0j1/why_does_jesus_hates_playing_video_games/
%
The Priest and the Nun

A priest and a nun were traveling home from visiting a distant parish when a fierce snow storm forced them to stop. Luckily, they happened to be passing an inn, so they decided to stop for the night to wait out the storm.
Naturally (because this is a joke…) the inn had only one room remaining, but the innkeeper offered to put a cot in the room so they could share it.
“Will that be ok with you Sister?” asked the priest. “Of course!” she replied. They settled into their room, and prepared to sleep, the priest getting into the cot and the nun into the bed, and the priest turned off the light.
Five minutes later, the priest hears “Father, I’m cold!”  “Would you like me to get you a blanket from the closet Sister?”  “Yes please!”
The priest turns on the light, gets out of the cot, gets a blanket from he closet, and lays it on top of the nun.  “Thank you Father, you’re SO nice” says the nun, as she grabs his hand and strokes his arm.  “No trouble at all Sister” says the priest, as he pulls himself away, crawls back into the cot and again turns out the light.
Three minutes pass and again “Father, I’m still cold!”  “Would you like me to get you another blanket Sister?”  “Yes Father, I’d like that!”
Again, the priest turns on the light, gets out of the cot, gets another blanket, and lays it on top of the nun.  “Thank you Father, you’re SO good to me” says the nun, as she grabs him in a hug and squeezes him tightly.  “No trouble at all Sister, Happy to help you” says the priest, as he again pulls himself from her grasp and walks back to his cot, crawls in, and turns out the light.
One minute passes, and again “Father, I’m still cold!” “Another blanket Sister?”  “YES, PLEASE!”  Again, light on, out of the cot, another blanket. This time the nun grabs him tightly and plants a wet, passionate kiss on the priest. “Thank you Father, you’re SO nice to me!, if only I could repay your kindness!”  “More than happy to help you Sister” he says, as he again pries himself from her embrace and returns to the cot, turning out the light again.
The light isn’t off for 10 seconds when again the nun says “Father, I’m still VERY cold!”
Without getting up, the priest says “Sister, can we be honest with ourselves? We both know what’s going on here, don’t we?”  “Well, yes, I think so Father…”
“Good. Now Sister, I sincerely believe that the good Lord, in all his greatness, would understand that on this cold, cold, night, when we’re stuck here all alone in a place where no one knows us, that maybe you and I should give in to our urges, stop this game of being polite, and just behave as if we’re husband and wife for this one night.  Don’t you believe that the Lord would forgive us for our sins if we were to do so Sister?”
“Oh YES Father, I DO believe that! And it would make me SO happy!” she replies, in a deep, husky voice.
“Good.  Then get your lazy ass out of bed and get your own DAMN BLANKET!  I’m tired and I’m going to sleep!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zouja/the_priest_and_the_nun/
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A son calls his mom from jail

“Hey mom, bad news, I’m in for life.”
“Shut up Frank you’re a prison guard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zotch/a_son_calls_his_mom_from_jail/
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One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.

"What have you done to enter Paradise?" Jesus asks.
"Me?" replies the old man, "not much, I am just a simple carpenter but my son makes me worthy."
"Your son?" asks Jesus
"Yes, my son. He was born under remarkable circumstances and underwent a miraculous transformation. He was loved by many and continues to be loved to this very day. His name will never be forgotten."
Jesus approaches the man and hugs him tightly, "Father!"
The old man hugs him back, "Pinocchio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zos96/one_day_jesus_is_helping_st_peter_at_the_gates_to/
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Two hunters are walking through a wooded farmland...

when they come across a giant hole they can't seem to find the bottom of. They wanna know how deep it is, so they see a rusted anvil close by, drag it over, and throw it down the hole. Seconds pass, and they never hear it hit the bottom.
A few seconds later, a goat comes sprinting by, and jumps right into the hole. The farmer comes walking by and asks the hunters "fellas, have you guys seen my goat around here?"
The hunters reply "well he just came running at us 80 mph and jumped down into that hole there!"
The farmer says "well that can't be! He was chained to an anvil!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zooud/two_hunters_are_walking_through_a_wooded_farmland/
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We were discussing the races and dwarvs are my favorite. The reason?

They always appear to be down to earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zonlr/we_were_discussing_the_races_and_dwarvs_are_my/
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Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zolf6/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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Ever hear the one about the bad golfer?

He put more balls in the water than the Men’s Olympic swim team

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zogup/ever_hear_the_one_about_the_bad_golfer/
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Three mice in a bar...

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot and boasts, "I play with mouse traps for fun.  I run through one, and as the bar comes down I grab it and do 20 or 30 bench presses with it."  He then slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and boasts, "I take those DeCon tablets, crush them up, lay them into lines and snort them just for fun."  He then slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, then gets up and starts walking away.  The other two look at each other, then shout after him, "Hey!  Where are you going?"
"I'm going home to fuck the cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zog3q/three_mice_in_a_bar/
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What do you call a lesson in farting?

A tootorial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zofro/what_do_you_call_a_lesson_in_farting/
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What is Donald Trump's favorite dessert?

Vladimir Pudding ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zodmy/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_dessert/
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How do you know which swimmer is the sex offender?

It’s the breast stroker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zoc4p/how_do_you_know_which_swimmer_is_the_sex_offender/
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what do you call a clairvoyant midget evading police custody

a small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zo6ck/what_do_you_call_a_clairvoyant_midget_evading/
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I found the real life inspiration for the island from Fortnite!

The Virgin Islands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zo53f/i_found_the_real_life_inspiration_for_the_island/
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Why does Trump always move so slowly?

He doesn't want anyone to think he's rushin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zo4y8/why_does_trump_always_move_so_slowly/
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Did you hear about the new Jack-Hammer Technology?

It was groundbreaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zo4ni/did_you_hear_about_the_new_jackhammer_technology/
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What's the best present in the world?

A broken drum, you can't beat it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zo0xk/whats_the_best_present_in_the_world/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8znyqr/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
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Two dudes are on a ship. One of them is a smoker, the other has cigarettes, but no one has a lighter. What do they do?

The dude with cigarettes throws one overboard, which makes the boat a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8znyls/two_dudes_are_on_a_ship_one_of_them_is_a_smoker/
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How many trump voters does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

No one knows as they prefer to stay in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8znyjc/how_many_trump_voters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zny0d/everyone_tells_you_that_smoking_will_kill_you/
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What do women and Hitler have in common?

They both remove the polish with chemicals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8znwa7/what_do_women_and_hitler_have_in_common/
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My landlord is threatening to kick me out because I haven't made a single rental payment in years.

She said, "Listen son, your 35. Don't you think you should get a place of your own?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8znvaj/my_landlord_is_threatening_to_kick_me_out_because/
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What did Bruce Dickinson reply when he was asked to play in a tour?

Can I play with Madness?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8znqec/what_did_bruce_dickinson_reply_when_he_was_asked/
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When I visited the Louvre, I slapped the Venus de Milo’s ass

I think I’ve hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8znkza/when_i_visited_the_louvre_i_slapped_the_venus_de/
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I was at the optometrist's office yesterday. I asked if we could pause the test because I really needed to go to the bathroom.

He asked, "Number one or number two?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zng0o/i_was_at_the_optometrists_office_yesterday_i/
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I got banned from a conga competition the other day...

I was way out of line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zndsw/i_got_banned_from_a_conga_competition_the_other/
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I hate it when people honk at me while driving

Like I'm literally doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zna44/i_hate_it_when_people_honk_at_me_while_driving/
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I'm a lot like my password

Insecure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zn9on/im_a_lot_like_my_password/
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Homecoming

There is terrible accident in ISS, leaving only one American astronaut alive. All the communications are dead, but he has lots of food, water and oxygen to survive. Finally after two years he is able manufacture escape pod and lands in rural Texas.
He makes his way to closest town and enters first bar, because he needs a beer and news. He orders a beer from a bartender and asks what's happening around the world.
"Nothing much, peace everywhere and everyone is doing just great."
"Really? Is war over in Syria too? "
"Yes, of course, our president did end that, like all the other wars."
"All wars? Also the one in Ukraine?"
"Yes, that was the very first war the president did end."
"Well, that sound great. Thanks for the news, how much is the beer?"
"30 rubles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zn9me/homecoming/
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"Doctor, doctor! My little boy just swallowed a roll of film!"

Doctor: Well, let's hope nothing develops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zn8yl/doctor_doctor_my_little_boy_just_swallowed_a_roll/
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Puns are so hard to explain to kleptomaniacs..

Because they take everything literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zn6m8/puns_are_so_hard_to_explain_to_kleptomaniacs/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

(Gagging noises)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zn45p/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye...

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zn3jw/serve_alcohol_at_a_party_and_nobody_bats_an_eye/
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Goodbye r/jokes

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zn229/goodbye_rjokes/
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Piece of Dating Advice

Do not date a car mechanic if you're looking for a long term partner. Typically, a mechanic just nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zmtws/piece_of_dating_advice/
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(OC) A Hippie walks by a businessman...

A Hippie is walking by and sees a businessman looking over some construction that had been started on a plot of land. The Hippie is alarmed and exclaims "What are you doing?!"
The businessman responds by saying that this piece of land was bought by his company. The land was good and the foundation was perfect for a storefront, and his crew would be here shortly. The Hippie tells him that he can't build on this plot of land because it's magical! The businessman is skeptical so the Hippie points at the rock on the far side of the land, where the businessman has yet to build anything.
"You see that rock?"
"Yeah, so what?" says the businessman.
"That rock used to be on the left side of the land. Now it's in the back"
The businessman doesn't get the big deal.
The hippie goes, "Well, how do you think that happened?"
The Businessman says "Well, obviously someone moved the rock"
The hippie laughs and challenges the businessman to move it. So they go over to the rock and the businessman gets ready to pick it up. He can't. He tries rolling it, he can't. As the businessman fails to move this rock, the Hippie tells him "I told you, this plot of land is magical. Only I can move this rock."
The businessman is in disbelief. "How the hell can you move this rock? It's impossible to budge!"
The Hippie says "The only way to move the rock is with my orgasm"
The businessman is disgusted. "I don't believe you. This is my land, I don't care about a stupid rock! I'll get someone from my construction crew to move it for me!"
The Hippie just laughs and says "Let me show you"
The Hippie whips his dick out and starts stroking it. The businessman can't believe the Hippie is doing this, but he can't look away. Soon the Hippie gets ready to orgasm and the businessman is completely mesmerized now. As the Hippie cums, the whole ground shakes, it becomes too blurry for the businessman to even see what's happening! But he feels the piece of land rotate 90 degrees. By the time the Hippie finishes cumming, the plot of land has stopped moving and both the Hippie and businessman are on the right side of the land, along with the rock. The businessman is amazed, almost speechless.
The Hippie zips up and says "Do you believe me now?"
The businessman regains his composure and finally says "The foundation was good and the climax had me hooked... but I did not see that plot-twist cumming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zmqx6/oc_a_hippie_walks_by_a_businessman/
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Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zmmkb/virginity_in_school/
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Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zmkcc/why_did_star_wars_episodes_4_5_and_6_come_before/
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It’s the end of spring break at college

These four buddies have an exam on Monday but decide to go out and party Sunday night anyway. They wake up and skip class because of the bad hangovers they have from all of the drinking. They walk in Tuesday and apologize to the professor, saying their car got a flat tire, hoping he’ll let them take the exam anyway.
Prof: “you’ve all been good students in my class, so I will let you take the exam this afternoon after class.”
Ecstatic, the buddies go through the rest of their day, coming in after class to take the exam. The Professor seats them in four different rooms, each with a copy of the 2 page exam and a pencil. They all start, and the questions are very easy on the first page. They flip over the exam and the whole page is blank except for one question:  “Which tire was it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zmjzr/its_the_end_of_spring_break_at_college/
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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only two: One to screw in the bulb, the other to hold the peni-- I mean ladder! The other to hold the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zmdio/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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When I was a kid living with my parents, I remember when my dad gave me money to pay the utilities one day

On impulse, I decided to buy scratch-offs.  When I got home I explained *'but we could get a new car when we win!'*, he ended up beating me.
The next day, we woke up to a new truck outside our house and everyone was crying.  Myself in particular, because the new truck was from the Utilities company, coming to shutoff the water.  So my dad beat me again.
It still Hertz to this day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zmbyg/when_i_was_a_kid_living_with_my_parents_i/
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I went for A run this morning, but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something

I forgot that I was fat and couldn't run for more than 2 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zmbqq/i_went_for_a_run_this_morning_but_came_back_home/
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A young family were visiting the Zoo

When their 7 year old daughter who is watching the elephants in their enclosure, sees the elephant’s penis hanging down below the male elephant. She asks her father, “Daddy, what is that hanging down under that elephant over there?” Her father, not ready to have that talk with her says, “I don’t know go ask your mother.”  So the little girl goes over and asks her mother, “Mommy what is that thing hanging down under that elephant?” Her mother also not ready to have that talk told her, “That is nothing dear.”  The little girl not satisfied goes back to her father and said, “Mommy says that thing is nothing!”The father smuggly replies “Well that’s because she’s been spoiled!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zmboo/a_young_family_were_visiting_the_zoo/
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What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marx-man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zm9nj/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
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Going to Hell for this one

Hitler and Mussolini came back from the dead and were sitting in a bar in TX, because why not? This drunk redneck hears them making plans of picking up where they left off.
He hears Hitler say, "So the plan is to round up all the Jews in Hollywood, DC, and Israel; get them all together along with ten puppies and drop a bomb right on that spot."
The Texan asks, "But wait, why the Hell would you want to kill the ten puppies?"
Hitler nudges Mussolini "See, I told you. Nobody cares about the Jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zm670/going_to_hell_for_this_one/
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What's the worst place to get an erection?

In your ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zlubs/whats_the_worst_place_to_get_an_erection/
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Why don't archeologists get married?

They are only interested in dating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zlu29/why_dont_archeologists_get_married/
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Victoria's Secret has launched a revolutionary new bra, "Croatia"

..it has lot's of support but no cup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zlt63/victorias_secret_has_launched_a_revolutionary_new/
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Little Mary is at her first wedding.

When it’s over, she asks her mother, ‘Why did the lady change her mind?’
‘What do you mean?’ asks mother.
‘Well,’ replies Mary.
‘She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zlmle/little_mary_is_at_her_first_wedding/
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Why aren't chavs good at sex?

It takes ten of them to get hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zllhi/why_arent_chavs_good_at_sex/
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What time do you go to the dentist?

At tooth-hurty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zlfef/what_time_do_you_go_to_the_dentist/
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You should never scare a magician

He will shit your pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zlfae/you_should_never_scare_a_magician/
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DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher..

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge... Show him your badge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zlemj/dea_officer_stops_at_a_ranch_in_texas_and_talks/
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What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I bet you never heard of someone paying $20 to have a garbanzo bean on their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zlahr/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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I invited my two friends over for a party as I was trying to Sweden my sex life, but my wife said "Norway!"

So Dan, Mark and I had our 3-way as usual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zl2dt/i_invited_my_two_friends_over_for_a_party_as_i/
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My wife was going through her wardrobe when she squealed, "Look at this! It still fits me after 25 years!"

I grumbled, "It's a fucking scarf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zkurm/my_wife_was_going_through_her_wardrobe_when_she/
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My entire life, I've often been told that it's always better to have a plan...

Except, apparently, when it comes to murder. Then somehow its worse; or so the judge tells me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zkqj9/my_entire_life_ive_often_been_told_that_its/
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The bear and the rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods and find a lamp. After rubbing it, a genie appears and agrees to grant them both 3 wishes.
For his first wish, the bear says, "I wish all the female bears in this forrest find me irresistable and sexy" and the genie grants his wish. The rabbit wishes for a motorcycle and the genie grants this wish. The bear laughs and calls the rabbit an idiot saying "why not just wish for money, you stupid hare?".
For his second wish, the bear says "I wish that all the female bears in the neighboring forrest find me sexy af and mate with me"  and the genie grants his wish. The rabbit wishes for a helmet and puts it on. The bear laughs again at the rabbits stupidity.
For his third wish, the bear says "i wish that all the female bears in the whole world find me utterly attractive and bend over at the sight of me" and the genie grants his wish. For his final wish, the rabbit jumps on his bike and says, "i wish this son of a bitch bear was gay" and rides off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zkjvc/the_bear_and_the_rabbit/
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What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zkia2/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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Nice Smelling Hair!

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zkgm0/nice_smelling_hair/
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If a person who stutters goes to jail

Would he finish the sentence?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zkeqb/if_a_person_who_stutters_goes_to_jail/
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Mick was going to see Paddy...

He went to his farm and Paddy's wife Mary said he's out in the barn.
When Mick walked in to the barn he seen paddy dancing naked in front of his tractor.
Mick said what are you doing Paddy?
Paddy replied, you know me and Mary were having problems in the bed room, so we went to a therapist and he said do something sexy to a tractor..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zkeek/mick_was_going_to_see_paddy/
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Circumcision jokes aren't funny.

Cut it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zke55/circumcision_jokes_arent_funny/
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what's the best way to instantly blend into a crowd?

suicide vest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zkbsx/whats_the_best_way_to_instantly_blend_into_a_crowd/
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When a women removes polish with chemicals,no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zk7yz/when_a_women_removes_polish_with_chemicalsno_one/
%
My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics

But it's still shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zk1ig/my_girlfriend_told_me_my_stool_would_improve_when/
%
Piracy is like diarrhea...

Sometimes you just torrent that shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zk1gw/piracy_is_like_diarrhea/
%
The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zk0z5/the_russians_developed_a_very_powerful_weapon_of/
%
The female Praying Mantis devours the male right after mating.

It’s easier to collect life insurance than child support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zjxpa/the_female_praying_mantis_devours_the_male_right/
%
“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zjx43/do_you_really_have_to_lick_the_knife_she_asked/
%
So my mum asked me to kill the spider that was creeping her out

Instead I picked it up and took it out. We had a few drinks. He's a cool guy, wants to be a web designer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zjvc4/so_my_mum_asked_me_to_kill_the_spider_that_was/
%
I went to the movie theater, and they said it was $6 for adults and $4 for children

So I said: "Alright, then give me two boys and a girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zjgsi/i_went_to_the_movie_theater_and_they_said_it_was/
%
One night while the husbands at the pub a wife gets to reading an article “is your vagina getting saggy”

After some thought she starts to worry so gets the idea to examine her nethers. After trying with a mirror from all angles she decides to put the mirror on the floor and squat over it to get a real good look.
To her surprise her husband comes into the room. All of a sudden he dashed across the room and throws her across the bed with enough force to propel her ass over tit.
What the hell are you doing she exclaims. You could have broken my legs.
Broke you legs the replies. If you fell down that hole you would have broken your fucking neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zjdo9/one_night_while_the_husbands_at_the_pub_a_wife/
%
Yo Mamma so fat...

Yo mamma so fat, that when you were being delivered at the hospital the doctor had to send in a rescue diver. He pulled out you, 11 other kids, and a soccer coach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zjda0/yo_mamma_so_fat/
%
What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent with Nickelback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zj8j1/what_concert_costs_45_cents/
%
I was DEVISTATED when I found out the tooth fairy wasn't real.

Because that means it was my parents who molested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zj8e5/i_was_devistated_when_i_found_out_the_tooth_fairy/
%
One of the court jesters wanted to suck the Queen's breasts.

So he asked king's minister for advice. The minister was ready to tell him a way but wanted 50 gold coins in return. Been promised, the minister told him to put itching powder in the Queen's bra.
The next day, the queen started to itch uncontrollably. The king asked the minister for advice, who told him that a only way to cure the itch was to get the breasts sucked by a jester.
So the court jester was able to suck the Queen's breasts.
Later on when the minister met the jester, he refused to give him any payment. "I knew you would do that", said the minister," Which is why I have put the itching powder in the king's underwear!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zj6wv/one_of_the_court_jesters_wanted_to_suck_the/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

He fingered A Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zj253/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
I apologise for the following joke, it's a long one...

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zj21j/i_apologise_for_the_following_joke_its_a_long_one/
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My neighbour thinks adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava...

But I'm on the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ziunm/my_neighbour_thinks_adults_shouldnt_pretend_the/
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I just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens.

Six months of training with my niggas down the drain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zissd/i_just_found_out_that_cock_fighting_is_done_with/
%
A professor died and went to hell...

...and found that he had to grade papers by mediocre and weak students for all eternity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zir36/a_professor_died_and_went_to_hell/
%
Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.

It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zijh9/donald_trump_is_introducing_a_30_tax_on_shredded/
%
Hey girl, do you want some good sex?

Girl: No.
Guy: Then you are talking with the right guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zigb0/hey_girl_do_you_want_some_good_sex/
%
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zifis/a_soldier_serving_overseas_far_from_home_was/
%
Paddy and Mick are walking through the woods when they come across a sign that reads " Tree fellers wanted"...

"Ah what a shame" says Paddy, "If only Seamus was here with us we all could have applied for that".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zia22/paddy_and_mick_are_walking_through_the_woods_when/
%
They say that trains are full of weird people...

...but I don't think that's true. I've never met a weird person on a train,
and I talk to everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zi9h9/they_say_that_trains_are_full_of_weird_people/
%
At the Pentagon three ex-military men.......

Are given cash for any measurement on their body. For every inch, they got 1,000 dollars. One says “ Measure from the tip of my middle finger on my left hand to the middle finger on my right hand.” The measurement was 48 inches so he got 48,000 dollars. The next one says “Measure from my head to my toes” the Measurement came to 72 inches so he got 72,000 dollars. The last soldier said” Measure from my balls to the tip of my penis.” The person doing the measurement asked “You know how this works right?” The soldier says “Yes” and takes his pants off. The man doing the measurements begins and says “ where’s you’re penis, sir?” The soldier responds with “Back in Iraq.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zi90j/at_the_pentagon_three_exmilitary_men/
%
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.

The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zi86x/a_father_and_his_6yearold_son_are_walking_down/
%
A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone."

Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women.
But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked.
Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman.
his friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran.
Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added, "and it must be true, because when i saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zi6zp/a_concerned_mother_warns_her_little_boy_dont_look/
%
How do you tell if a joke is bad?

If it says r/Jokes above it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zi5ph/how_do_you_tell_if_a_joke_is_bad/
%
I think we should cut Putin some slack

It can't be easy running two countries at once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zi5j1/i_think_we_should_cut_putin_some_slack/
%
Did anyone know what happened to that passion fruit truck crash yesterday?

It caused traffic jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zi44d/did_anyone_know_what_happened_to_that_passion/
%
A rich man wants to meet the Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama is in New York City walking with his entourage down Fifth Avenue. A rich man comes out to meet him. He's trying to push his way through the throngs of adoring people but the Dalai Lama's procession  is moving too quickly. The rich man is running next to the crowd trying to catch up with the Dalai Lama when suddenly he notices how the Dalai Lama stops, bends over, and speaks into the ear of a homeless man.
The rich man is deeply moved at how the holy man makes a point of speaking to the poor and downtrodden. Then he gets an idea! The rich man offers the homeless man $100 for his clothes. The rich man then dresses up like the homeless man and runs a block ahead of the Dalai Lama's procession.  Now dressed like a homeless person, the rich man sits on the ground and waits. Sure enough as the Dalai Lama walks by he stops, bends over, and speaks into the rich man's ear: "Hey, I thought I already told you to get the f*ck out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zi3zj/a_rich_man_wants_to_meet_the_dalai_lama/
%
I support gay marriage, I believe they have a right to be

As miserable as the rest of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zi2o0/i_support_gay_marriage_i_believe_they_have_a/
%
Why do deaf people never swear?

Because they always watch their language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zhzoo/why_do_deaf_people_never_swear/
%
One state official to the other:

"i don't know what people have against us - we haven't done anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zhzf5/one_state_official_to_the_other/
%
I remember learning about Pavlov’s law in psychology class and thinking “those stupid dogs...”

Then the bell rang and we all went to lunch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zhz5d/i_remember_learning_about_pavlovs_law_in/
%
They classified a guy I work with morbidly obese which seems a little harsh...

I mean, he has enough on his plate already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zhwpp/they_classified_a_guy_i_work_with_morbidly_obese/
%
3 criminals are about to be executed by firing squad

The first one is told to get in front and the marshal count down. 3! 2! 1! The prisoner shouts TORNADO and points behind the soldiers. When the soldiers turn around the prisoner runs away.
The marshal isn’t pleased and orders the second prisoner to the line. He counts down 3! 2! 1! The prisoner shouts EARTHQUAKE and points behind the soldiers. When the soldiers turn around the second prisoner runs away.
The Marshall is furious at this point and orders the third prisoner to the line. No tricks! He yells and begins counting. 3! 2! 1! The prisoner shouts FIRE and points behind the soldiers as they fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zhvqn/3_criminals_are_about_to_be_executed_by_firing/
%
What Hangs at a Man's Thigh and Wants to Poke the Hole It's Often Poked Before?

A key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zhvg9/what_hangs_at_a_mans_thigh_and_wants_to_poke_the/
%
What is the key to a good chemistry joke?

The delivery must bismuth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zhrev/what_is_the_key_to_a_good_chemistry_joke/
%
A child was competing in a spelling bee and was doing quite well, until the moderator said: "your word is 'inward' "....

Spelling bee contestant: "N-I-G-G..."
Moderator: "Jesus no, stop please! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zhqgj/a_child_was_competing_in_a_spelling_bee_and_was/
%
Gorbachev and Reagan met to discuss security.

They started to argue about who has the best personal security. Naturally Gorbachev said he does, and Reagan said he does. They were meeting at the Grand Canyon, so they went outside to settle this.
Gorbachev told Reagan, "look". He ordered his security detachment beside him to jump off the canyon. The security detachment looked at Gorbachev, took a run, and jumped (by miracle he was safe hanging on a branch few meters lower).
Reagan looked at his secret service and told him to jump. The secret service looked at Reagan and said "I have a wife and children at home. I am not jumping."
Shocked, Reagan walked over to the ambulance that had arrived and asked Gorbachev’s security detachment: "Why did you jump?!" He replied: "I have a wife and children at home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zhqe7/gorbachev_and_reagan_met_to_discuss_security/
%
I like dillos, but I don’t support giving them guns...

I would never armadillo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zhptn/i_like_dillos_but_i_dont_support_giving_them_guns/
%
What is a Mexican’s favourite sport?

Cross country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zho0k/what_is_a_mexicans_favourite_sport/
%
Why did the blind man fall in a well?

He couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zhiyq/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_in_a_well/
%
I don’t think Elon Musk’s comments hurt his odds of being elected to public office

Now he just has to run as a Republican

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zheya/i_dont_think_elon_musks_comments_hurt_his_odds_of/
%
Knock knock

Who’s there?
Unprotected.
Unprotected who?
Unprotected sex, can I come inside?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zhc3b/knock_knock/
%
Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition?

He is an expert at hiding nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zhat2/why_did_the_squirrel_judge_the_drag_queen/
%
Never choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough.
After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shook her head no.
Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.
The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction
flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly   back to his table.
His partner said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't   niver seed nobody do it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zhapq/never_choke_in_a_restaurant_in_the_south/
%
The girl I like said she’d go out with me if I knew a six letter word that’s a synonym for “calm”...

I said, “It’s sedate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zh9zc/the_girl_i_like_said_shed_go_out_with_me_if_i/
%
A man walks into a bar and starts talking to the guys there.

He and the guys have a great conversation, and they are all very interested in what everyone has to say. Eventually one of the guys asks, "Do any of you guys have any cool tricks to show us?"
The man who just walked in says, "Actually, yes I do have a trick!" He pulls a very small man out of his pocket, as well as an even smaller grand piano. The man is only about a foot tall, and the piano about six inches tall. Immediately, the little man begins playing the piano brilliantly, and the entire bar falls silent and listens to the little man play. He plays for ten minutes, and by the end everyone is on their feet clapping and cheering for him.
One of the guys asks the original guy where he found the little man and the piano. He responds, "Oh there's a genie in the men's bathroom here, and he gave them to me. If you go back there and wish for something, just make sure to speak clearly since the genie is a little hard of hearing."
So the man goes into the bathroom, and sure enough the genie is sitting right in front of him. The genie says, "What is your wish?" And the man responds, "I wish for a million bucks!" The genie says, "Can you repeat that?" So the man says again, a little louder this time, "*I wish for a million bucks!*" Finally the genie says, "Your wish is my command."
The man walks home later that night and finds a million ducks sitting in his living room. The ducks fill the entire room and are spilling into adjacent rooms. The man is understandably pissed at this, since the ducks are taking up so much space and are making so much noise.
The next day, he goes back to the bar and tells the original man, "Last night I go home and what do I see? A million ducks sitting in my house! Are you fucking kidding me?" The original man says, "Of course not. Do you think I asked the genie for a twelve inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zh7dx/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_starts_talking_to_the/
%
Why can't blind people skydive?

It scares the crap out of their dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zh6ug/why_cant_blind_people_skydive/
%
Why were there no bars open during the Gold Rush?

It's illegal to sell alcohol to miners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zgz37/why_were_there_no_bars_open_during_the_gold_rush/
%
I ate a whole ball of yarn,

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zgyoh/i_ate_a_whole_ball_of_yarn/
%
When my mom asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party,

that’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zgycc/when_my_mom_asked_me_to_hand_out_invitations_for/
%
I can write in my notebooks all day,

but a sketchbook is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zgy16/i_can_write_in_my_notebooks_all_day/
%
If i had 0.50$ for every math test i failed

I would have 3.20$

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zgvui/if_i_had_050_for_every_math_test_i_failed/
%
Three blondes die and go to Heaven

Upon being greeted at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says, "I have one question, and if you get it right, I will let you into Heaven.  Answer wrong, and you will not be allowed in."
He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
She answers, "That's the time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey."
St. Peter says to the next blonde, "What is Easter?"
She answers, "That's the time of year when the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney and our family gets together to open presents."
St. Peter asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?"
She says, "That's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb behind a rock."
"That's right!" exclaims St. Peter.
"Then, once a year," continues the third blonde, "we roll the stone away and he comes out, and if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zgv9q/three_blondes_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
My father sold podiums

And he always stood behind his product

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zgt7c/my_father_sold_podiums/
%
If you spank Dwayne Johnson’s ass

You would have hit Rock’s Bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zgsed/if_you_spank_dwayne_johnsons_ass/
%
Did you hear about the bed bug band?

They mostly play covers
(OC my dudes, read em and weep)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zgqcj/did_you_hear_about_the_bed_bug_band/
%
An atheist started an organization

It was non-prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zglh0/an_atheist_started_an_organization/
%
This guy threw a carton of milk at me in the supermarket

How dairy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zgic5/this_guy_threw_a_carton_of_milk_at_me_in_the/
%
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living
room!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zghbj/the_guy_was_in_the_store_buying_a_fake_christmas/
%
Why does Gordon Ramsey always use a condom?

Because he hates when it's fucking raw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zgcum/why_does_gordon_ramsey_always_use_a_condom/
%
An old man gets asked “Have you lived here all your life?”

The old man replies: “I can’t answer that yet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zg3rs/an_old_man_gets_asked_have_you_lived_here_all/
%
I heard Dave Grohl is making a new misogynistic otaku themed band

They're called the Wai-Foo Fighters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zg17n/i_heard_dave_grohl_is_making_a_new_misogynistic/
%
What's Gordon Ramsey's favourite Disney movie?

It's fucking Frozen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zfvr6/whats_gordon_ramseys_favourite_disney_movie/
%
How are women like converting Roman numerals?

My X always turns into a 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zfrp1/how_are_women_like_converting_roman_numerals/
%
Why didn't they make today a national holiday to signify the first moon landing?

Because everyone hates moon days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zfmt8/why_didnt_they_make_today_a_national_holiday_to/
%
A man boards a plane and, to his surprise, finds the pope in the seat next to him...

Shortly after takeoff, the pope opens the newspaper and starts working on the crossword puzzle. Almost immediately the pope turns to the man and says, “Execuse me, do you know a four-letter word that ends in ‘unt’ and refers to a woman?”
Just one word leapt to mind, an extremely vulgar one. The man thinks to himself, “I can’t suggest *that* word to the pope. There must be another word . . .”
Then it hits him. He turns to the pope and says, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt.’ ”
“Of course!” Exclaims the pope. “I don’t suppose you have an eraser?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zfh9g/a_man_boards_a_plane_and_to_his_surprise_finds/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink, as a woman comes in and sits next to him. After a few minutes, she asks "Are you a real cowboy?". "Well, I work on a barn, watch my cattle and fix the fences, I guess I'm a real cowboy."
The woman says "Hm, I'm a lesbian. I think of women the whole day. When I get up, when I brush my teeth, when I go to work and when I go to bed. I can’t stop thinking of women."
An hour later, the lesbian left already, a couple sits next to the cowboy. The wife turns to the cowboy and asks "So are you a real cowboy?"
And the cowboy replies "Well I thought I was, but it seems like I’m a lesbian."
*Source:* Plato and a Platypus walk into a bar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zfgkv/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did the Helsinki Summit have in common with the 2018 World Cup?

Nobody was playing for the USA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zfg1y/what_did_the_helsinki_summit_have_in_common_with/
%
How many egocentric people does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. They put the light bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zferl/how_many_egocentric_people_does_it_take_to_change/
%
I used to work in a bank...

but then I lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zfel1/i_used_to_work_in_a_bank/
%
Everyone should go out right now and give ten random people a hug.

I did this earlier and it's lonely in this holding cell. I want someone nice to talk to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zfejl/everyone_should_go_out_right_now_and_give_ten/
%
Somewhere, someone on this earth needs a person just like you in their life, and they’ve always wished for you to show up

And other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zfe5u/somewhere_someone_on_this_earth_needs_a_person/
%
Programmer's son asks his father: -Dad, why do the sun rise on the east and set on the west?

Father: It works? Don't touch it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zfcs7/programmers_son_asks_his_father_dad_why_do_the/
%
An Irishmen is frantically looking for a car park...

He's running late for his work meeting and is looking for a park in a busy carpark. He looks at the heavens and says
"Father, I know I've been a bad catholic, but please just grant me a bloody car park and I'll do right by You again, I'll be a better man, and more importantly I'll be a better Christian."
Suddenly, the clouds split apart and a sharp beam of sunshine cut through onto the pavement, and right in front of the man a vacant car park appeared. The man waved at the heavens and said
"Ah never mind Father, I found one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zf9r7/an_irishmen_is_frantically_looking_for_a_car_park/
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Woman was at the hairdresser

Hairdresser was making small talk, “what’s new?” She says.
The woman replies, “ I am about to go on vacation. I’ve been saving for years and next week I leave .”
“Flying or driving?” Asks the hairdresser.
“I’m flying Jet Blue”.
“Jet Blue? They’re awful. The seats are tiny, food is terrible, and they always lose your luggage.” Said the hairdresser, “where are you going anyway?
“Rome” the woman replied nervously.
“Rome? That’s the worst city. It always rains, there are pickpockets everywhere and the people are rude” said the hairdresser. “I bet you’re there to see the pope... good luck with that. Waiting in that crowd of thousands all day to catch a glimpse of him for three seconds if he didn’t wear that hat, you’d never know it was him.”
“Oh, my” said the lady. “Well, I’ll let you know how it goes when I get back”. She paid and left.
A few weeks later the woman was back in her hairdresser’s chair. “How did  the vacation go?” the hairdresser asked.
Beaming, the woman began, “ well, it was awesome. The flight was comfortable, no bags lost. Everything was right on time and easy”
“My goodness,” said the hairdresser with a smirk on her face. “And how was Rome?”
“Rome was fabulous,” the woman replied. “ the people were so nice, helpful and friendly every time we turned around. I just love that town!”
“How long did you wait to see the Pope?”
“You know, “ the woman replied, “that was the highlight of the trip! Not only did we see the Pope, we got to talk with him! He was so nice!”
“What did he say?” Asked the hairdresser, now engrossed in the woman’s story.
“Who the fuck did your hair?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zf5ml/woman_was_at_the_hairdresser/
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And verily, John said to the Lord, “The world shall end with Trumpets?”

God: No, I meant Trump/Pence.
John: Trumpets, got it.
God: No... ah, forget it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zf3db/and_verily_john_said_to_the_lord_the_world_shall/
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A cowboy walks into a saloon

Its empty but for the barkeep.
"Where is everyone?" cowboy asked
"They ran. Hiding.  The black rider is coming" said the old man
"Why are they afraid of the black rider, whos he" puzzled cowboy asked
"He will kill any men, women and some say even children that he sees on Sundays.  Today is Sunday.   A town over was completely wiped out 2 weeks ago while they were leveling the church as he was riding through" said the barkeep in a shaky voice
"Why are you not hiding then"
"Because he completely burned down the previous town become the bar was closed.  He does not seem to kill barkeepers" smiled the old man
"Well, not to call you a lier sir, but I will take my chances even if im not much of a fighter.  Your story is too bizarre to be true.  A beer if you will kind sir" said the cowboy in a tired voice.
"Of course" said the old man.
As soon as the cowboy took a first sip of beer, the swinging saloon doors flew across the room, and when the dust settled, there was a man on a horse where the door once stood.
The horse was black as night and the man riding it was wearing all black leather; pants, boots, coat, hat, everything.  Even his pistols were made of black steel, hanging in black holsters.  His eyes, mustache and beard, his hair, all black as sin.  Its almost as if the air itself around him was black too.
The rider got off his horse and hurriedly walked straight over to where our petrified cowboy was sitting.
With the right hand on his holstered black pistol, in the most thundering voice the cowboy has ever heard, the rider said
"On. Your. Knees"
The cowboy instinctively complied as he could muster no strength to say anything.  Then as soon as the cowboy's knees touched the ground, the rider, with a single motion of his left hand, in a split second, he whipped out his cock in front of cowboys face.
The rider didn't even say a word, he only gazed at the cowboy with his abyssal eyes.  The cowboy likewise didn't say anything, he knew exactly what he had to do, and so he did.
About 5 minutes later, the rider spoke again.
"Do it faster idiot, the black rider is coming, he'll kill us both"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zf1wi/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_saloon/
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Remember when you were younger and you'd blow Bubbles?

I talked to him at the circus and he said to call him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zewms/remember_when_you_were_younger_and_youd_blow/
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My friend asked me what I got on prime day..

I answered "a bunch of pictures of dogs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zevpj/my_friend_asked_me_what_i_got_on_prime_day/
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I'll never understand people who hate vegetables

They can't even speak. I'm pretty sure it's just visiting the hospital that they don't like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zetqw/ill_never_understand_people_who_hate_vegetables/
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A Cowboy and a Native American

walk into a saloon in the old west, the bartender looks at the Native American and says "We don't serve your kind here."
The Cowboy turns to the Native and says "I'll order our food, just go outside and run the back and forth up the road to keep yourself warm."
The Native American obliges. The Cowboy orders and is sitting there waiting for their food and having a drink when a man walks in and says "Whose horses are those outside?"
The cowboy replies "They're mine"
The man says "Well you left your injun running."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zesqd/a_cowboy_and_a_native_american/
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What do you call a legless, armless amputee wiggling around in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zeqmx/what_do_you_call_a_legless_armless_amputee/
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On vacation this summer my wife took an early morning walk on the beach while the kids and I ate breakfast.

When my wife got back she said there was a beached whale and we needed to see it. My son said "well it's not beached anymore, you're standing right there."
Worst son-burn ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zeptc/on_vacation_this_summer_my_wife_took_an_early/
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Did you hear what happened to the blind circumciser?

He got the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zekd6/did_you_hear_what_happened_to_the_blind/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zejg8/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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A guy walks in to a bar with a large rooster

. He goes to the counter and sits on a stool with the rooster next to him.
"I'd like a whiskey, a few crisps, pour something for yourself as well, and... give me a beer."
"Very well"
After the guy has finished drinking.
"Okay, so what do I owe you?"
"34.58$"
The guy puts his hand in his pocket, takes out a bunch of money without looking and places it on the counter.
The barman counts the money; it's exactly 34.58. The barman is surprised, but doesn't say anything.
The next day, the same guy comes back in
"I'd like a large vodka, something to snack on, pour me a good whiskey, give that group something as well, and buy a round for the whole bar."
When it's time to pay
"What do I owe?"
The barman says
"240.20$"
The guy again takes money from his pocket, without looking, and places the money on the counter. The barman then counts the money again and it comes exactly to 240.20$. The amazed barman then asks
"I'm sorry, but how exactly do you do that? How are you able to know how much money you take from your pocket"
"Well, a few days ago I was at a beach and I found a bottle. I rubbed it and a genie comes out telling me that I have two wishes. My first wish was to be able to figure out the exact amount of cash I need and to be able to put my hand in my pocket and have that exact amount in my hand."
"I see. And the second wish?"
"To have a big cock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zeewq/a_guy_walks_in_to_a_bar_with_a_large_rooster/
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An irate man barges into a bar with an AK-47 in his hands and shouts, “Who the fuck has been sleeping with my wife?!”

A man in the back shouts back, “You do not have enough bullets, pal.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zecwu/an_irate_man_barges_into_a_bar_with_an_ak47_in/
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Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster:

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replies Moses, "that was before you got those holes in your feet..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zea7h/jesus_and_moses_compete_who_can_cross_a_river/
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A man walks into a bar. First thing he notices is two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

He sits down at the bar and says "what's with the meat?"
The bartender replies "Ah that's our game. The rules are simple, if you can jump in the air and touch both pieces of meat before your feet touch the floor, everyone else in the bar will buy your drinks for the evening, but if you can't then you have to buy everyone else's drinks. Would you like to play?"
The man considers for a second and then says "Nah, steaks are too high".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ze72y/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_first_thing_he_notices_is/
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Ever heard the time when I got mugged?

My friend really hit me hard with that cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ze665/ever_heard_the_time_when_i_got_mugged/
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If a millennial asks you...

If a millennial asks you why people in old photos have red eyes
.
.
Tell them that they're too young to remember the demon uprising of the 1980s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ze5o7/if_a_millennial_asks_you/
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What is one of Thanos’ favorite things to drink?

A Snapple!
“After a hard earned Snapture, drink a refreshing Snapple! “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ze5e3/what_is_one_of_thanos_favorite_things_to_drink/
%
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ze549/paddy_and_murphy_are_working_on_a_building_site/
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There are 2 types of people, those that think Die Hard is a Christmas movie, and those that...

Are wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ze425/there_are_2_types_of_people_those_that_think_die/
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Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."

"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ze0zc/dr_omahony_tells_his_patient_i_have_bad_news_and/
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop

Right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”. The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of them birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry. “Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. “I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, “Screw that, this budgie jumpin’ is too dangerous for me…”
A minute later, Seamus arrives at the cliff. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. “Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot’s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejasus, that parrotshootin’ is also too dangerous for me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zdzej/two_irishmen_walk_into_a_pet_shop/
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O’Malley is leaving his favourite bar when he is run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test.

O’Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.
St Peter decides to go easy on him. “What has five fingers and is made of black leather?” he asks.
O’Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up.
“It’s a glove,” says St Peter. “
Let’s try again. What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?”
O’Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, he gives up.
“Why, it’s TWO gloves – don’t you see? Ten fingers, black leather?” says St. Peter, amazed.
Being in a generous mood, St Peter decides to give O’Malley one final chance and thinks of an even easier question.
“Okay. Who is the patron saint of Ireland?” he asks, thinking surely O’Malley can’t miss this.
“It wouldn’t be three gloves, would it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zdyov/omalley_is_leaving_his_favourite_bar_when_he_is/
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Did you hear about the bear with no teeth?

He was a real gummy bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zdw4b/did_you_hear_about_the_bear_with_no_teeth/
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A lady with a mildly upset tummy gets on a street car for a cross town appointment...

When approaching the first stop, she notices the street car’s brakes make a horribly loud racket.  Given the state of her upset tummy she decides that she can take advantage of the street car’s worn brakes.  Cautiously, upon approaching the next stop she perfectly times the release of a small amount of pent up gas with the rumble of the street car and releases the smallest little poot.  Looking around, she’s pleased to see that no one is the wiser to her little indiscretion.  Emboldened by her success at the last stop, she lets out even more gas upon approaching the next stop, again perfectly timed with then rumble of the brakes.  No one notices. Now, fully emboldened and her tummy still in a disagreeable state, she decides to go for the full release at the next stop.  Perfectly timed as before, she lets loose with the mother of all farts as the street car approaches the next stop.  But this time, the street car doesn’t stop and everyone hears the lady’s quite audible fart and stares at her.  Wanting to break the awkward silence, she asks the gentlemen standing next to her, “Did you get a transfer when you got on the streetcar?”  To which the gentlemen answers, “No lady, but I’ll reach out and grab you a hand full of leaves at the next stop if you’d like.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zdw0x/a_lady_with_a_mildly_upset_tummy_gets_on_a_street/
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland...

The Texan clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers and says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zdt3n/a_texan_walks_into_a_pub_in_ireland/
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I'm not racist. I always stand up for black people.

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zdsut/im_not_racist_i_always_stand_up_for_black_people/
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I'm doing some research, so I ordered a chicken AND an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zdnwz/im_doing_some_research_so_i_ordered_a_chicken_and/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zdk1a/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
A one-legged man walks into a tech-support store...

...and tells the man "I can't get past this 2-step authentication!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zdfdc/a_onelegged_man_walks_into_a_techsupport_store/
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My vacuum cleaner wasn’t working that well

So I put a Honda sticker on it so it would suck more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zd89g/my_vacuum_cleaner_wasnt_working_that_well/
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What do you call a person who speaks two languages?

Me: bilingual.
Mexican friend: Someone who can speak three languages?
Me: Trilingual
Mexican friend: And four languages?
Me: multilingual?
Mexican friend: Someone who speaks one language?
Me: ????
Mexican friend: An American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zd6bn/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_speaks_two_languages/
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Science builds planes and skyscrapers...

But faith brings them together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zd4xc/science_builds_planes_and_skyscrapers/
%
An African man went to the doctor

He moved to the UK from Africa 2 years ago. He said “Doctor, I always feel like shit and I’ve tried everything to fix it.
The doctor replies with “go home, shit and piss in a bucket for 2 days, throw some dead rotten fish in the bucket too, add a dead cat and then wrap a towel round your head. Then sit down and sniff the bucket for 2 days”
4 days later, the African man comes in and says “wow, I feel so much better, what was wrong with me”
The doctor replies with “you were just homesick”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zd2px/an_african_man_went_to_the_doctor/
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Walmart announced the closing of 175 stores in 2018

Putting 12 cashiers out of work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zcy8e/walmart_announced_the_closing_of_175_stores_in/
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I remember when the hashtag symbol was the pound symbol...

With that in mind... #metoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zcxki/i_remember_when_the_hashtag_symbol_was_the_pound/
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Motorcycles are fast...

...despite being both two tired and exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zcwma/motorcycles_are_fast/
%
Why do lesbians shop at Gander Mountain?

Because they don't like Dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zclcz/why_do_lesbians_shop_at_gander_mountain/
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A very beautiful blonde woman meets a nice young man

and, after a while, they end up in her house and they start having sex. They're having fun, doing it in different position, and during one of the good moments the woman freezes for a few seconds and then continues. After a while the same thing happens, where the woman stops moving for a few moments and then continues again. The guy is a bit confused, but didn't want to interrupt the act.
After they finish, the woman asks
"So, did you like it?"
"Yeah. But that thing that you were doing, where you froze for a few moments and then continued, why were you doing it?"
"I saw it on the internet. It's called buffering."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zckux/a_very_beautiful_blonde_woman_meets_a_nice_young/
%
A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna.  Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed under the skin of my forearm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. Japan has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their mobile systems placed in my hand."
The Russian felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He exited to the bathroom stalls and returned a few seconds later with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Russian finally said-"Well, well, well comrades- it appears that SOMEBODY is receiving a fax!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zcjhv/a_german_a_japanese_and_a_russian_were_sitting/
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What do you do if you come across an elephant?

Wipe it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zcc3f/what_do_you_do_if_you_come_across_an_elephant/
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My girlfriend got sick of my self esteem issues and ran off with my best friend.

The worst part is they were both imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zc8xt/my_girlfriend_got_sick_of_my_self_esteem_issues/
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Today I discovered someone had stolen my activation for Microsoft Office...

I don't know who you are but I will find you, you have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zc5il/today_i_discovered_someone_had_stolen_my/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A perfect 10. But imaginary :'(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zc14a/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft

Today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zc0qr/in_primitive_society_when_native_tribes_beat_the/
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Steps to fall down the stairs

Step 1
Step 2
Step 4
Step 7
Step 13
Step 24

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zc09u/steps_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
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What do you call a fruit that’s high in potassium and likes disorder?

A bananachist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbzca/what_do_you_call_a_fruit_thats_high_in_potassium/
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Why do you not make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Because she is thick and tired of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbz7v/why_do_you_not_make_fun_of_a_fat_girl_with_a_lisp/
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If life gives you melons...

Then you may have dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbz5m/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
A group of professors are on a plane.

A group of professors are on a plane as an experiment. They were told that the plane was made by their students. Naturally everyone panicked, their students were not the brightest people. However there was one professor who did not show any sings of fear. When they asked him why he replied "how can i be worried if the plane won't even take off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbuld/a_group_of_professors_are_on_a_plane/
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Two police officers crash their car into a tree.

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbt4d/two_police_officers_crash_their_car_into_a_tree/
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A survey showed that England had the highest Star Wars fan base in the world...

I guess the fourth is really with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbt2e/a_survey_showed_that_england_had_the_highest_star/
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A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.
"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.
"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," says the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbr5f/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink_when/
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Putin, at the summit: Donald, I’m thinking of annexing all the nations around Russia. What do you think?

Trump: Then Soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbr4o/putin_at_the_summit_donald_im_thinking_of/
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Obscure jokes are like ultra early archer rushes against diety AI in Civ III

They usually fail miserably.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbqa1/obscure_jokes_are_like_ultra_early_archer_rushes/
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbnwa/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
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The Sex Professor

A professor gave a lecture to a room of university students, entitled "The Correlation Between Sex and Happiness".
He was determined to try out his theory with a simple test, and so asked any students who had sex once a week to stand up. Those who did laughed sheepishly or giggled, and the professor pointed out that these people who had sex regularly were clearly in a happy state.
He continued by asking those who had sex twice a week to stand up. Those who did laughed more than the first group, and generally seemed happier, again proving the professor right.
He then said he wanted to test an extreme case, and so asked those who only had sex once a year to stand up. One man in the very back stood up, laughing very loudly and whooping. The professor was surprised and asked him if he really did only have sex once in a year, to which the man whooped yes. Incredulous, the professor asked him to make his way to the front of the class.
"Young man," the professor said, "In all my years of studying humans and sex, my theory has never failed me. Can you tell me, if you only have sex once a year, why is it that you're so happy?"
The man responded with a big laugh and a grin, "Cause IT'S TONIIIGHT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbmqp/the_sex_professor/
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It would suck to be named Will at a shooting range.

"Fire at will"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbkb2/it_would_suck_to_be_named_will_at_a_shooting_range/
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Little Johnny's father asked for report card.

Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbjoq/little_johnnys_father_asked_for_report_card/
%
My girlfriend once gave up sex for lent

I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbjmu/my_girlfriend_once_gave_up_sex_for_lent/
%
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask him to pronounce "unionized"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbjab/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."

Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbijt/boy_i_got_an_f_in_arithmetic/
%
My 85-year-old uncle went for his regular annual check-up...

and doctor asked him how he was feeling. “Feeling great doc, just got married to a 22-year-old girl.” The doctor was somewhat amused and said, “In 15 years you’d be 100 and she 37, don’t you think could cause problems?” “Not at all doc, when a man really loves a woman he doesn’t mind if she gets old.” “Okay then, good luck, but please take my advice and get her a companion closer to her age so she doesn’t get bored and restless.” “Don’t know about that but I’ll think about it.”
A year passes and it’s time for the regular annual check-up.
“How married life treating so far?” the doctor inquired.
“Couldn’t be better doc, we’re expecting a child.” “So, you took my advice and got your bride a companion.” The doctor replied with a mischievous glee in his eyes.
“Yes, doc, that what excellent advice, got her that companion and they got along just great but only one little problem.”
“What’s that?” the doctor seemed concerned.
“I knocked her up too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbhn6/my_85yearold_uncle_went_for_his_regular_annual/
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The Chinese Curio Shop

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat ?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbhmi/the_chinese_curio_shop/
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My six year old daughters first non-knock knock joke, told as a knock knock joke

Her: Knock Knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: Why did the chicken climb up the ladder and back down again?
Me: Sweetie, this isn't a how knock knock jokes work.
Her: Dad, this isn't a knock knock joke
Me: Okay.....
Her: To get to the other slide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbc9g/my_six_year_old_daughters_first_nonknock_knock/
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I asked a Spanish teacher to translate this sentence

"Me llamo comprar"
She looked at me confused and said
"Your name is to buy?"
"It's pronounced Toby"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbbzi/i_asked_a_spanish_teacher_to_translate_this/
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A Blind Man And His Guide Dog Walks In To A Grocery Store.

He picks up his guide dog by the tail, and starts swinging it around over his head.
One of the employees ask: "Uhm.. Can I help you sir?"
The man replies: "No, I'm just having a look around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zbai3/a_blind_man_and_his_guide_dog_walks_in_to_a/
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I had to buy a new lawnmower today.

My old one wasn’t cutting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zb981/i_had_to_buy_a_new_lawnmower_today/
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The Irish and the Policeman

An Irish priest is driving home from a night at his favorite bar. An officer notices the Irishman swerving all over the road and proceeds to pursue. The Irishman pulls over and the cop makes his way to the driver. Checking the vehicle and noticing bottles over the floorboard, the Policeman asks, "Have you been drinking?"
"I don't know what you're on about, Officer. I had only just left church after giving praise to the Lord for his many blessings and miracles." Said the Priest.
The Policeman frowned, "Well then what's in the bottles?"
"Water," he replied.
The Policeman reached in and grabbing a bottle, opened the top and was quickly overcome with the smell. "This is wine!"
The Priest promptly shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD, HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zb7wo/the_irish_and_the_policeman/
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What did the homicidal inventor say to his last victim?

Time to DIY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zb6m7/what_did_the_homicidal_inventor_say_to_his_last/
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A Redditor became a confectioner

And decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.
He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.
He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortunate effect of being too effective at sedating the users. There were numerous reports of half-dissolved breath mints becoming lodged in unconscious purchasers' airways, causing asphyxiation and eventually death. This news led the Redditor into a great depression.
His son tried to cheer him up. "Dad," the son said, "Your breath mints are a huge commercial success! I'm eating one of your caffeinated mints and feel terrific!"
"Son," the Redditor wistfully explained, "The real choke is always in the calm mints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zb4mx/a_redditor_became_a_confectioner/
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What’s the difference between England and a teabag

One stays in the cup longer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zb0of/whats_the_difference_between_england_and_a_teabag/
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A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor I am very sad"

Doctor: "Treatment is simple - go see Orville, very funny clown!"
Pagliacci: "What about Pagliacci?"
Doctor: "Pagliacci? Man I could not name a more suckass clown!"
Pagliacci: ...
Doctor: "Just downright dogshit of a clown"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zazg4/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_doctor_i_am/
%
A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The barkeep obliges, brings a drink for the pirate, and he notices there is a steering wheel in the pirates pants.
The barkeep was too curious to not inquire what was going on. "Excuse me sir, can I ask why there is a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate responded, "Arrggg, I not be sure, but it's driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zayct/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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A married couple wanted to learn how to play golf.

They had rented a coach that should help them learn the basics of golf.
"Ok, how about you try to hit the ball as far as you can Mr. Johnson.
Ok, Let's try!" The husband hits the ball about 2 yards away.
"Um... Good...Job... Now, how about you try the same thing, Mrs. Johnson!" The wife hits the ball about the same distance away as her husband.
"Well... Let's try this. Mr. Johnson, imagine that the golf club you're holding is your wife's breasts!" The husband hits the ball and gets a hole in one!
-"Very good! Now you try to do the same, Mrs. Johnson, but imagine that the club you're holding is your husband's... member."
The wife hits the ball even less far away than last time. -"Ok, Mrs. Johnson, but next time, try not to hold the club in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zaudi/a_married_couple_wanted_to_learn_how_to_play_golf/
%
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl, that means no sex before marriage

. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission.
"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand"
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zassc/a_guy_falls_in_love_with_a_very_traditional_and/
%
A guy goes to the ENT Doctor and says:

"Listen doc, my wife is slowly becoming deaf. What should I do? How can I cure her?"
The doctor answers: "Well, take her to me and I'll see what I can do."
But the guy says: "No, I don't want to."
The doctor is surprised and says: "Why? How can I make a diagnose without seeing her?"
The guy explains: "I don't want her to feel bad. I would like to cure her without her acknowledging it."
The doc says: "Okay, let's try this: You go home, say to her a phrase just when you enter. If she doesn't answer, step a few meters and repeat the same phrase with the same tone of voice. If she still doesn't answer, repeat the process until she hears it. When she hears, calculate the distance and you come to me and tell it to me so we can do something."
The guy goes home, he opens the door, he has a beautiful lounge area, and says "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?". No answer.
He steps a couple of meters and repeats: "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?". Again no answer.
He steps another couple of meters and repeats: "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?". Still no answer.
He steps yet another couple of meters, he's very close to the door of the kitchen when there's the wife, and repeats: "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?".
"CARNE ASADA! I SAID IT 4 TIMES ALREADY! GO TO THE ENT DOCTOR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zard4/a_guy_goes_to_the_ent_doctor_and_says/
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My pet iguana has been really lethargic recently...

He's been laying around a lot, and has trouble getting up.  I took him to the vet, and he was diagnosed with a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zaq7h/my_pet_iguana_has_been_really_lethargic_recently/
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Putin asks Trump "What's 2+2?"

I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Angela Merkel, now she's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. She's a nice gal, but she's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. She's like a computer! You know what I mean? She's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zaooy/putin_asks_trump_whats_22/
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Why don’t lesbians cook?

Because they eat out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zae1a/why_dont_lesbians_cook/
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My friend asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”
He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”
I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8zab29/my_friend_asked_me_why_i_have_sex_noises_saved_on/
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What do French barbarians wear to protect their eyes?

Gaul-gles.
(Courtesy of my eight year old.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8za6r1/what_do_french_barbarians_wear_to_protect_their/
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You ever tried Wookie meat?

Its chewy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8za6kc/you_ever_tried_wookie_meat/
%
The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.
And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8za28k/the_inca_people_were_one_of_the_few_who_ever/
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I tried to shoot up a school

But the fish were too fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z9zkk/i_tried_to_shoot_up_a_school/
%
I learned from experience that the thing girls want most from life is security.

Anytime I approach one of them, they usually yell, “Security!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z9yxf/i_learned_from_experience_that_the_thing_girls/
%
What happened to the illegally parked Frog

It got “Toad”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z9yle/what_happened_to_the_illegally_parked_frog/
%
Glasgow boys

,  Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s
forthcoming  wedding.
‘Aye, it’s all going  like magic,’ says Jock.
‘I've got everything  organised already: the flowers, the church,
the cars, the  reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night…’
Archie nods  approvingly.
‘Hell, I've even bought  a kilt to be married in!’ continues Jock.
‘A kilt?’ exclaims  Archie, ‘That’s grand, you'll look pure smart in that!
And what’s the  tartin?’
‘Ach,’ says  Jock, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z9vu4/glasgow_boys/
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The difference between theory and reality

A young boy approached his father and asked him if he could explain the difference between theory and reality. The father happily agreed to explain it in terms he would understand.
Father: “run up to your older sisters room and ask her if she would have sex with a stranger for a million dollars”
The boy ran up and asked his sister to which she replied “sure, I guess”
The boy runs down and reports the news to his father to which his father replied “go ask your mother the same question”.
The boy ran upstairs and the mother replied “that’s a lot of money, why not”
The boy reports the news again.
Father: “you see son, in theory, we may be sitting on 2 million dollars....but in reality, we’re just living with 2 whores”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z9ttm/the_difference_between_theory_and_reality/
%
As a man, I was unsure if I'd enjoy having long hair..

But it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z9t5h/as_a_man_i_was_unsure_if_id_enjoy_having_long_hair/
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My wife asked me what I'm posting on Reddit...

I tell her that they /r/jokes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z9pdi/my_wife_asked_me_what_im_posting_on_reddit/
%
I bought a really nice 12 year old scotch

obviously his parents weren't very pleased

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z9neu/i_bought_a_really_nice_12_year_old_scotch/
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My friend asked me to pet his baby goat. I had to decline.

I'm not going to jail for touching a kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z9k67/my_friend_asked_me_to_pet_his_baby_goat_i_had_to/
%
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z9eol/on_my_first_day_in_prison_my_cellmate_said_to_me/
%
If life gives you melons...

Then you may have dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z9ebb/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.

When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"
The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z9dmd/a_man_is_rushed_to_the_hospital_and_is_given_blood/
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I hope death is a woman

that way it will never come to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z94wt/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
A nun is in the bath and hears a knock at her bathroom door

‘Hello?
‘Yes it’s the blind man I need to ask you for some guidance’
‘Oh sorry, come in and I shall give you some advice’
‘Fucking hell love nice tits, now where do you want these blinds hanging?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z8xt1/a_nun_is_in_the_bath_and_hears_a_knock_at_her/
%
What is the difference between hitler and usain bolt?

Usain bolt could finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z8tx7/what_is_the_difference_between_hitler_and_usain/
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What do you call it when a shark is sassy?

Sharkasm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z8kww/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_shark_is_sassy/
%
My sister's zodiac sign was cancer, which is really ironic to how she died...

She got squashed by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z8h2j/my_sisters_zodiac_sign_was_cancer_which_is_really/
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z8f19/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon/
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A guy goes in his car and gets out of the parking lot...

When suddenly, while going in reverse, he hits something with his car.
He immediately goes out and sees an Italian guy unconscious.
He takes him immediately to the hospital.
The sentence is clear: The guy is in a coma.
He anxiously waits outside for him to wake up.
After some time, he wakes up and he's attached to a mechanical ventilator.
"Dude, you gotta help me! Say to the police that you went behind me."
And the Italian answers, with a raspy voice:
"Toelle el pee-de dal meeoh oh-see-ge-noe"
The dude asks:
"What does that mean? What are you saying? Does somebody speak italian?"
He asks to all the medical staff: Nobody spoke italian.
"What are you saying? Speak clearly!"
The italian repeats, with an even raspier voice:
"Toelle el pee-de dal meeoh oh-see-ge-noe"
The guy says again:
"I don't understand a word of what are you saying! Speak slowly and clearly!"
The italian repeats, with a whisper:
"Toelle el pee-de dal meeoh oh-see-ge-noe"
And then he dies.
The guy runs away from the hospital, panicking.
He finds an italian restaurant, takes the director and says:
"Dude, you gotta help me! What does "Toelle el pee-de dal meeoh oh-see-ge-noe" mean?"
And the director says:
"Odd phrase."
"What does it mean? That I run over him on purpose?"
"No, it means: "Get your feet off my oxygen""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z8edy/a_guy_goes_in_his_car_and_gets_out_of_the_parking/
%
A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."

The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him.
He's the one shaving you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z8e73/a_man_walks_into_a_barber_shop_and_says_ill_have/
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The officer said “You’re staggering.”

I said “You’re quite handsome yourself.”
We both laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z8auc/the_officer_said_youre_staggering/
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A Man Walked into a Zoo. But it only had one animal. A dog.

It was a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z8781/a_man_walked_into_a_zoo_but_it_only_had_one/
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Did you hear about the woman who backed into a plane propeller?

Disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7z2r/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_backed_into_a/
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I remember the first twenty dollars I ever made

I got five years for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7xei/i_remember_the_first_twenty_dollars_i_ever_made/
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I asked the seller on the black market how much a kidney costs

He said it would be worth an arm and a leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7wlg/i_asked_the_seller_on_the_black_market_how_much_a/
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While driving home one night a man rear ends another car

When he gets out of the car he realizes the other driver is a priest. The priest looks over the damages and pops his trunk.
"Well my trunk still opens, so lets thank God neither of us was hurt. Would you like to join me in a prayer?"
The man nods and the priest takes out some communal wine and wafers. After taking a drink the man says "I don't mean to question you father, but are you sure this is how it works?"
"To be honest all I know is I was driving home from a Halloween party and your drunk ass hit me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7qf1/while_driving_home_one_night_a_man_rear_ends/
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Lately I’ve been trying to find the girl of my dreams...

it’s tough cause I’m an insomniac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7p4o/lately_ive_been_trying_to_find_the_girl_of_my/
%
Vagina Jokes Are Never Funny

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7o7p/vagina_jokes_are_never_funny/
%
I used to be a real player in high school, fucked every girl in my class

Until my mom stopped homeschooling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7nud/i_used_to_be_a_real_player_in_high_school_fucked/
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What do you call a prisoner in for stealing computer parts humorously?

A silicon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7kxq/what_do_you_call_a_prisoner_in_for_stealing/
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A guy walking into a bar

sees an old man fishing in a puddle off the sidewalk.
“Poor Old fool,” he thought. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7ir7/a_guy_walking_into_a_bar/
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What do you call an alligator with a GPS?

A navigator. .... *ba dum tiss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7hwb/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_with_a_gps/
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A man is totally convinced he is dead.

His wife and kids do everything to try and convince him that he’s not dead. They take him to a doctor and for months every day the doctor shows him charts, studies, graphs, and statistics  showing that dead men do not bleed, and finally the man is completely certain that dead men do not bleed.
The doctor then takes a pin and lightly pricks his finger, and blood starts trickling out.
The man says “Well, whadaya know? Dead men do bleed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7eub/a_man_is_totally_convinced_he_is_dead/
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A teenager buys his mom some coffee mugs for Christmas...

The mom says, "Billy, this isn't thoughtful! You already gave me an ugly mug 16 years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7ddr/a_teenager_buys_his_mom_some_coffee_mugs_for/
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Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.
"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.
"No way, man. I'm not going to say that, even if they won't give us anything to drink", replied Joe.
They go up and knock on the door, a Muslim man with a smile on his face answers the door, "yes, how may I help you?".
"Hello, I'm Muhammed and this is Joe. We were wondering if we could have something to eat and drink", asked Roger.
"Why, of course! Joe, we will bring you some food, and for you, Muhammed, it is Ramadan and we won't be breaking our fast until sundown".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7cj9/two_americans_were_walking_in_the_arabian_desert/
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My compass broke on a hiking trip.

It went south very quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7boh/my_compass_broke_on_a_hiking_trip/
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Why don't Jews tip?

They don't have theirs, you don't get yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z79bg/why_dont_jews_tip/
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What can you say during both sex and a family dinner?

Oops, I spilled on the baby!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z78hl/what_can_you_say_during_both_sex_and_a_family/
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What's the opposite of a waterfall?

A firefly!
I will now leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z75ib/whats_the_opposite_of_a_waterfall/
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(My piss poor attempt at political humor): What do you call a bunch of British politicians about to have a meal before resigning from their positions?

A full English Brexit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z7565/my_piss_poor_attempt_at_political_humor_what_do/
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I threw my wife a surprise bukkake party..

I'm just glad everyone came, you should of seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z722e/i_threw_my_wife_a_surprise_bukkake_party/
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Yo mama so fat

... Thanos had to snap twice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z6ytn/yo_mama_so_fat/
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So there's these two friends named Bill and Jim.

Jim has Chihuahua and Bill has a German Shepherd. These two guys go for a walk with their dogs every Saturday evening. One Saturday, as they were passing a popular bar, Bill asked Jim if he wanted to go get a drink.
Jim replied, "Um Bill we have dogs lol we can't go in there fam."
To this, Bill merely smirked and walked towards the entrance, mumbling something under his breath probably along the lines of "challenge accepted." Before he went through the door however, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his handy dandy pair of genuine sunglasses. Then as he and his German Shepherd walked in, he pretended to be blind. No questions asked.
Jim would not be outsmarted by Bill. An age old rivalry rekindled, Jim pulled out his own pair of handy dandy genuine sunglasses and walked into the bar with his little Chihuahua Pedro leading the way.
As he walks in he pretends to be blind just like Bill but the bartender yells at him, "HEY! Get outta here man, we don't allow dogs in this place!"
"What do you mean, this is my seeing eye dog! He legally goes with me where ever I go," Jim cleverly countered.
"Man, that's not a seeing eye dog, thats a Chihuahua. ROTFL." The bartender laughs. Loudly.
Jim let go an exclamation of pure surprise. "What?!? A Chihuahua? They gave me a CHIHUAHUA??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z6y8u/so_theres_these_two_friends_named_bill_and_jim/
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I think I've been hacked by Russia



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z6y30/i_think_ive_been_hacked_by_russia/
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Two whales walk in a bar

First one goes: ooooOOOOOUUUuuaaaAAAAAEEEUUUUUUuuuoooooOOOOOOO.
OOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAoooooooOOO
Second one goes:  Steve, what the fuck was that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z6v1m/two_whales_walk_in_a_bar/
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So my kid walks inside and says,

'Hey mom, can we get one of those new chicken proof lawns for the backyard? I hear they're impeccable".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z6slh/so_my_kid_walks_inside_and_says/
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An Irishman, a Brit, and an American each order a beer

When the bartender delivers the drinks, each one has a fly floating in it.
The American throws a fit, yelling, saying how he can’t drink it, take it back immediately, etc.
The Brit removes the fly and politely enjoys his beer.
The Irishman is furious and screams at the fly: “STOP DRINKING MY BEER AND GET YOUR OWN!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z6oqr/an_irishman_a_brit_and_an_american_each_order_a/
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Why did Jabba the Hutt invite a twi'lek to his fish buffet?

He needed a Bib Fortuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z6m17/why_did_jabba_the_hutt_invite_a_twilek_to_his/
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Trump: "I can piss off an entire country just by showing up lol"

Musk: "Hold my sugarcane juice..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z6kxh/trump_i_can_piss_off_an_entire_country_just_by/
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Two amoebae are floating along in a prehistoric ocean.

Amoeba 1: Weird...I think I just took in a breath of air.
Amoeba 2: Nah. You're probably imagining things.
Amoeba 1: Yeah. False aspirations, I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z6iyn/two_amoebae_are_floating_along_in_a_prehistoric/
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A woman falls off of a ten story building...

...and a man on an eighth floor balcony reaches out and catches her in his arms.
"Do you fuck?", he asks.
"No!". she replied, and the man drops her.
On the sixth floor a man catches her and asks, "Do you suck?"
Again she says no and the man drops her.
On the fourth floor a man catches her and she immediately yells, "I FUCK! I SUCK!"
The man looks disgusted. "Slut!" and he drops her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z69x4/a_woman_falls_off_of_a_ten_story_building/
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I refused to believe I was gay AND dyslexic.

I was in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z64x1/i_refused_to_believe_i_was_gay_and_dyslexic/
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What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z642w/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeve/
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How do you live with erectile dysfunction?

It turns out, it's not very hard at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z61wj/how_do_you_live_with_erectile_dysfunction/
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What is the first stage of grief for an Egyptian?

Denile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5zts/what_is_the_first_stage_of_grief_for_an_egyptian/
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A frog goes into a bank

and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5zlc/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
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There was a prison break

and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down, he sneered at me and I thought, ***”well that's a little condescending.”***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5y0f/there_was_a_prison_break/
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Two blondes decided

To drive to Disneyland. Those both jumped into the car and started driving. After 13 hours of straight nonstop driving, they see a sign which reads, ***”Disneyland - Left”***.
So they turn around and go back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5wmg/two_blondes_decided/
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A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

Before he can order a beer the bowl of pretzels in front of him says “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.” The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says “Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You’re a smart man.” Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender “Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!”
The bartender replies “Don’t worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5u6o/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat/
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A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5snc/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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I was walking down a street in Hollywood and ran into a celebrity with a Mohawk and jewelry. He looked at me and said, “I piy the fool!”

I said, “Hey, you missed a T!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5ov3/i_was_walking_down_a_street_in_hollywood_and_ran/
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I keep trying to tell Americans a joke about universal healthcare

But they just don’t get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5og2/i_keep_trying_to_tell_americans_a_joke_about/
%
What has 40 feet and 20 teeth?

The front row at a Garth Brooks concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5oau/what_has_40_feet_and_20_teeth/
%
What have the programmer said after getting his new glasses?

Damn, it's good to C#.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5ntl/what_have_the_programmer_said_after_getting_his/
%
Why does a pony sound so weird?

Because he's a little hoarse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5my4/why_does_a_pony_sound_so_weird/
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What's the difference between Elon Musk and Jared the Subway guy?

Elon wanted to put Thai boys into small objects, Jared wanted to put small objects into Thai boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5kf2/whats_the_difference_between_elon_musk_and_jared/
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Dating a chick with 12 nipples sounds funny...

Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5kef/dating_a_chick_with_12_nipples_sounds_funny/
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My workplace is like an episode of Gilmore Girls

Fast paced and full of unlikeable characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5j5u/my_workplace_is_like_an_episode_of_gilmore_girls/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5gba/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
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“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.
As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always see the good in any bad situation.  No matter what terrible thing happened to his friend, the first words out of his mouth were always, “This is good,” followed by an explanation of his positive outlook.
For instance, when his friend’s childhood sweetheart spurned him for another chap, he insisted, “This is good! Better she leave me now than after we’ve married and had children!” And when his horse came to a sudden halt in the middle of the road and threw him, rather than whipping his horse as the king would have done, he said, “This is good! Look at that hole in the road before us! If he had stepped in that he would have surely broken his leg. I’d rather be a bit bruised up than have to put down my only steed!”
One day the king and his friend were out hunting. As usual, his friend was carrying both of their rifles. (After all, they were friends, but the king was still the king.) When the king spotted some game he motioned for his gun. His friend fumbled while handing it to him and somehow managed to discharge the weapon, accidentally shooting off the king’s right thumb.
“Aaaaah!!! The king yelled. “You’ve shot off my thumb!!”
“This is good!” his friend began, but before he could continue, the incensed king struck him with his non-mangled hand and shouted for him to be silent. That he didn’t want to hear another word about how him losing his thumb could possibly be a positive thing. His anger at his friend was so great, in fact, that he had him thrown in the castle dungeon.
Many years passed, and the king’s heart remained hard against his friend. Every time he fumbled his fork or his pen, he seethed at his friend’s impertinence and he refused to even consider letting him go free.
He did not lose his love of hunting, however, and he was excited to hear of a group of hunters that were planning an expedition to faraway lands to find exotic game to bring home as trophies. He requested to join their party, and seeing as he was their king, they couldn’t exactly say no, although privately they were concerned. You see, the king had grown rather indolent and fat over the years, as he was used to being waited on hand and foot, and they weren’t sure that he would be able to keep up over the rough terrain.
Once they arrived in the faraway jungles, they were pleasantly surprised by the king’s stamina. He couldn’t move as quickly as the rest of them, but his enthusiasm never flagged and they matched their pace to his.
They had been there for several days, and had managed to bag several large and wondrous creatures that none of them had ever heard of before when they were ambushed by a tribe of cannibals. Most of the team were able to quickly escape, but the fat, slow king was captured.
The cannibals had never seen a man so fat, and were gleeful in anticipation of their feast. They built up a huge fire and began to heat water in an enormous cauldron in order to boil the king alive. The chieftain heard the celebrations and came out to size up their prize. Desperate, the terrified king clasped his hands together and pleaded for his life.
The chieftain noticed something odd. He grabbed the king’s right hand and held it this way and that, examining the scarred stump where his thumb once was. He then frowned and made motions for the king to be released, for their tribe had longstanding traditions against eating anything or anyone who wasn’t whole.
The king stumbled back to the expedition campsite and everyone rejoiced to see him miraculously alive. They packed up quickly and returned home. On the long journey, the king did a lot of thinking about what had happened.
When he arrived back at the castle, the very first thing the king did was to go down to the dungeon to see his old friend. He threw open the cell door and threw himself at his friend’s feet, weeping. He recounted the whole tale, ending with, “You were right all along! It *was* good that you shot off my thumb! Oh my friend, how can you forgive me?”
And his friend replied, “There’s nothing to forgive! This is good!”
The king was astonished and asked, “How could this be good? I’ve kept you unjustly imprisoned for all these years!”
“Because if I hadn’t been in prison, I would have been with you, my king. And when the rest of the hunting party fled, I would have stayed with you, my friend. And I have both my thumbs!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5cqa/this_is_good/
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A knight is on a quest. It will be a dark and stormy night...

He sees a monastery and asks for shelter for the night.  The monks invite him in.  One of them tells him "You are in luck.  This is Friday, our fish and chips day.  We have the best fish and chips in the realm."
The knight finds that they were right.  This was the best fish and chips he has ever tasted.  In the morning he makes a substantial donation and continues on his way.
For years he has remembered that meal.  Eventually he finds himself back in that part of the world, and... IT IS FRIDAY.
He goes to the monastery and knocks at the gate.  The monk welcomes him; the knight asks him "Do you still have fish and chips on Fridays?"
The brother sadly tells him "No.  The Fish Friar is on sabbatical and the Chip Monk died."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5cda/a_knight_is_on_a_quest_it_will_be_a_dark_and/
%
Which meat is the cheapest?

Deer balls, they're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5brh/which_meat_is_the_cheapest/
%
Paddy and Mick are walking through the woods when they come across a sign that reads, "Tree fellers wanted." Paddy says, "Ah what a shame!"

"If only Seamus was here with us, we all could have applied for that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5b3z/paddy_and_mick_are_walking_through_the_woods_when/
%
If I were God I'd be an atheist...

...because I don't believe in myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z59no/if_i_were_god_id_be_an_atheist/
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Only American schoolchildren will get this

Shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z58jt/only_american_schoolchildren_will_get_this/
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What do you call an alligator in a camouflage vest?

A private investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z56ru/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_camouflage_vest/
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Jesus goes into a hotel.

He hands the clerk three nails and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z564f/jesus_goes_into_a_hotel/
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What's the difference between a feminist and bomb vest?

The vest actually accomplishes something after it gets triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z5631/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_bomb/
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A good joke is like pregnancy

You could have the best setup, but its all over if the delivery goes wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z4y95/a_good_joke_is_like_pregnancy/
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Two monks are fishing in the pond behind their monastery one day, and one of them reels in the biggest fish either of them have ever seen...

Friar Brian, who caught the fish says, "Holy shit! Just look at the size of this son of a bitch!"
The other monk shushes him and says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, just calm down. That is no way for a devoted man of the cloth to talk. Let's bring this fish inside to the monastery chef and see if he'll cook it up for dinner tonight. It's big enough to feed all of us."
They bring the fish to the kitchen and show the monastery chef their prize catch, and Fr. Brian can't contain himself: "We just caught this son of a bitch and we were thinking you could cook it up for all the Brothers tonight!"
The chef clamps a hand over Fr. Brain's mouth and looks over both shoulders to make sure no one heard him, and says, "Brother, please! A man of God must not use such language! Look, we just found out the Pope is coming for dinner tonight, and this fish must be a sign from God that we are to serve it for this special occasion."
That night as all the men are gathered around the table along with the Pope, the head monk stands and thanks the Pope for being there. He explains that God gave a special blessing to show that He approves of the visit from His Holiness-- the biggest fish ever caught at the monastery was caught that day and is being served for dinner tonight. The Pope nods with approval as the monster fish is brought to the table. The head  monk continues, "We would like to ask our Brother, Friar Brian, who caught the fish, to say the blessing over our meal since it was through him that the Lord has provided for all of us tonight."
Fr. Brian stands to his feet and prays, "Dear Lord, I'd like to thank you for this giant son of a bitch that you helped me catch today. And I ask that you bless our chef for doing a great job cooking up this son of a bitch for all of us to share tonight. But most of all, we'd like to thank you for bringing the Pope here to share this son of a bitch with us. Amen."
Fr. Brian sits back down and a moment passes without anyone saying anything. Finally the Pope says, "You know, I wasn't sure about you guys, but you Mother Fuckers are alright."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z4xam/two_monks_are_fishing_in_the_pond_behind_their/
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band back in the day.....

But it was one ting after the other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z4po3/i_used_to_play_the_triangle_in_a_reggae_band_back/
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My boyfriend never likes it when I give him road head.

Every time I try, he yells at me to put my hands back on the wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z4pfu/my_boyfriend_never_likes_it_when_i_give_him_road/
%
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer,

The bartender turns around and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z4lmn/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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What else does a grenade and a woman have in common

If the ring is on, it won’t blow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z4ldd/what_else_does_a_grenade_and_a_woman_have_in/
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Irish man walks into a cafe

Looks at the menu and it reads:
Cheese Roll 50p,
Ham Roll £1,
A Wank £10.
He then sees a beautiful young woman who works there, amazing body, huge tits,
He says do you give the wanks?
She says yes I do!
He says well wash your hands, I want 2 cheese rolls...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z4jin/irish_man_walks_into_a_cafe/
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Women only call me ugly

until they find out how much I make.  Then they call me ugly and poor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z4jdf/women_only_call_me_ugly/
%
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

“So, same time next month?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z4j7a/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried.

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z4gab/my_wife_asked_me_where_id_like_to_be_buried/
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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence

...but he is allowed to speak two words every decade. After ten years go by he goes up to the abbot and says carefully: "bad food."
Ten more years go by and he again goes up to the abbot and thinks carefully and says: "hard bed."
Finally at the end of ten more years he goes up to the abbot and says: "I quit."
The abbot is a really pious guy and hasn't spoken in forty years! He thinks carefully and counts it out on his fingers to make sure, and says to the guy: "Good, all you do is bitch, bitch, bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z4d1v/a_guy_joins_a_monastery_and_takes_a_vow_of_silence/
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During an exam, a student pokes the guy next to him and whispers, "pssst... is C the chemical symbol for chlorine?"

He whispers back, "Na, Cl you idiot!".
"OK thanks..." replies the student, "but why so salty?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z4bxf/during_an_exam_a_student_pokes_the_guy_next_to/
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I tried to use a talking weight scale today...

And it said, "One at a time please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z4bo6/i_tried_to_use_a_talking_weight_scale_today/
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Did I ever tell you the story of when I met the woman with the tightest vag ever?

She was bragging about it at a bar.
I told her I didn't believe her and to prove it.
She took me to her car and said, "Put a finger in" so I did.
Then she said "Put another finger in"  so I did.
Then she said "Put your hand in" so I did.
Then she said "Put your other hand in" so I did that too.
The she said "Now clap" and I said "I CAN'T"
And she said "Tight ain't I ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z4bgv/did_i_ever_tell_you_the_story_of_when_i_met_the/
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Chris Brown has come out as transgender.

Well if you cant beat em join em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z46zn/chris_brown_has_come_out_as_transgender/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
Noah
Noah who?
No, uh I got the wrong address

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z416e/knock_knock/
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My friend is a male stripper. He hates his job and wants to quit, but the pay is too good.

So he decided to stick it out for a little longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z40ed/my_friend_is_a_male_stripper_he_hates_his_job_and/
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How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z3zs5/how_much_did_it_cost_the_pirate_to_get_his_ears/
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What happened when tge Silver Surfer met Iron Man?

They became alloys!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z3zg9/what_happened_when_tge_silver_surfer_met_iron_man/
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Do you know what Elon Musk could've called his submarines if they were built in time to save those children?

Thai Pods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z3ymf/do_you_know_what_elon_musk_couldve_called_his/
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History is repeating itself again.

England is taking heavy losses, while the French are raising their hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z3yio/history_is_repeating_itself_again/
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Scientists have discovered why flamingos stand on one leg

Because if they lifted the other one as well, they'd fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z3ydv/scientists_have_discovered_why_flamingos_stand_on/
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As a child I was made to walk the plank

we couldn't afford a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z3to6/as_a_child_i_was_made_to_walk_the_plank/
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Trying to help my grandad use the computer

and he asks me how to print something, told him to control P and he said he hasn't been able to do that for years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z3ss1/trying_to_help_my_grandad_use_the_computer/
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What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person?

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z3ph1/whats_the_worst_part_about_breaking_up_with_a/
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My wife accused me of acting like a flamingo

So I had to put my foot down...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z3mho/my_wife_accused_me_of_acting_like_a_flamingo/
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What do dad jokes and dad bods have in common?

They are both easy to get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z3hqx/what_do_dad_jokes_and_dad_bods_have_in_common/
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What do you call a scientific talk about the psychological impact of cannibalism?

A Hannibal Lecture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z3gy6/what_do_you_call_a_scientific_talk_about_the/
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If you get heartburn every time you eat birthday cake

try removing the candles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z3fen/if_you_get_heartburn_every_time_you_eat_birthday/
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We'll we'll we'll

If it isn't autocorrect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z3eru/well_well_well/
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Why did Pythagoras like math so much?

Just cos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z3a4p/why_did_pythagoras_like_math_so_much/
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The Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right  note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of  panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart  with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons,  but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were  hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to  see you again.
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.  "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.  I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z36sk/the_gift/
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France just did something that they couldn't do for a long time

They won something in Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z36m7/france_just_did_something_that_they_couldnt_do/
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z34y7/several_centuries_ago_the_pope_decreed_that_all/
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How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but it takes nine visits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z325v/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I sold Viagra to a guy thinking it was Adderall...

Turns out he'll be working hard all night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z324v/i_sold_viagra_to_a_guy_thinking_it_was_adderall/
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z31bx/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
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What do you call a sex change on a Mexican golf course?

A hole in Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z30us/what_do_you_call_a_sex_change_on_a_mexican_golf/
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Tips for Buying a Car

A retired older couple returned to a Cadillac dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been keen on buying to a beautiful, leggy blonde in a tight skirt, stiletto heels, and halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply: "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for $45,000 to that young lady. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath and cleared his throat.
"Sir, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, and she didn't need any financing."
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"I told you I could get him to lower the price. Happy Father's Day, dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z2v3v/tips_for_buying_a_car/
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I had my leg x-rayed today.

The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "披萨卷披萨卷2.54披萨卷"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z2qvl/i_had_my_leg_xrayed_today/
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Rich woman comes to the CEO of bank

Rich blonde woman comes to the CEO of bank. I want to deposit ten million Euro.
OK says the CEO, I just have to ask, how did you get this money.
By betting, says the woman.
By betting, asks the CEO.
Yes, by betting, answers the woman, let me show, I would place a bet with you for 10.000 Euro that you have square balls.
OK, says the CEO, I’ll take that bet.
Great says the woman, but it is for 10k Euro so I will need my lawyer to be present. Lets make an appointment for tomorrow at 10 am.
Ok, it is a bet, says the CEO, see you at 10am.
CEO arrives at home, measures his balls to be sure they are round. He is so nervous that he can not sleep and measures them four more times.
Next day at 10 am a lawyer and the blonde woman arrive to the bank and go the CEO.
CEO drops his pants and woman holds the balls in his hand to check if they are square or round.
CEO is happy that women is feeling them and says they are round, but notices lawyer banging his head to the wall.
Gotta ask, says the CEO, after he receives 5k Euro, why was he banging his head.
Well, women answers, I bet with my lawyer 100.000 Euro, that I will hold balls of this banks CEO in my hand in the next two days!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z2mzk/rich_woman_comes_to_the_ceo_of_bank/
%
I auditioned to be on the remake of "Snow White"

but i was turned away as i wasn't on the short list

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z2mir/i_auditioned_to_be_on_the_remake_of_snow_white/
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Three men walk into a store

The first is a black man, the second is a white man, and the third is an Asian man. They wander the aisles for a few minutes browsing, and quickly noticed the shop keepers keeping a careful eye on the black and Asian men. Later when they left they began complaining
"I can't believe they did that!" Said the black man
"I know! How terrible!" Said the Asian man
Then the white man said
"Don't worry, I stole enough for all of us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z2h0i/three_men_walk_into_a_store/
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“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z2ehd/there_is_no_god_stephen_hawking_2011/
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The circus job audition.

Auditioning for a job at a circus were a young man and a young woman.
The woman said, “I’ll go first.” She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion’s cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor. He said, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turned to the young man and asked, “Can you top that?”
The young man replied, “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z29vi/the_circus_job_audition/
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A student arrives late for an exam...

A large lecture hall of students is taking the final exam for their course. Halfway through the hour, a student arrives late. As he picks up a copy of the test, the professor looks disappointed and says, "Young man, I wrote this test to take an hour. Because of your tardiness, it it unlikely you'll finish." The student smiles, finds an open desk, and begins to work.
As the hour comes to a close, almost none of the students have completed the test. The professor announces, "If you wish to receive credit, you must turn in your exams now." The students form a line and one-by-one place their packets on the stack.
The professor looks up, sees the latecomer still working, and shakes his head. "Young man," he says, "*some* credit is better than *no* credit, are you sure you don't want to pass this class?" The boy looks up for a moment with a smile on his face, and then continues working through the test.
Several minutes later, the student stands up, and approaches the professor's desk, finished exam in hand. The professor looks up and tells the boy, "I'm not going to accept your test. You arrived late, and I gave you plenty of warning what would happen." The boy replies, "*Do you know who I am?*" The professor, confused, answers "No?"
The student smugly ruffles through the tests, places his somewhere in the middle of the pile, and gives the stack a shove, scattering the tests onto the floor. "Good luck finding mine mate!" he says as he runs out the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z28ik/a_student_arrives_late_for_an_exam/
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Your butthole reminds me of Spiderman.

It's a Peter Parker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z28fv/your_butthole_reminds_me_of_spiderman/
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z27yz/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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Which horse runs the city?

The mare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z27s2/which_horse_runs_the_city/
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A displeased customer walks in to a store.

"I'd like to return a broken boomerang which you have sold to me."
"Of course, no problem, we'll swap it for a new one. But, where is it?"
"Good question!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z271g/a_displeased_customer_walks_in_to_a_store/
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Why couldn‘t the IT guy take his hat off?

Caps lock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z267z/why_couldnt_the_it_guy_take_his_hat_off/
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A beautiful young girl goes into the doctors office (not a blonde joke)

The doctor has her get undressed. She is the most exquisite woman he's seen. He starts the examination.
He has her open her mouth. All he can think about is putting his penis in there for a blowjob. He starts to feel in her mouth.
Do you know what I'm doing? he asks. Yes, she replies, your checking my teeth and tonsils. very good he says.
He then start to feel her breasts. They are the softest, fullest breasts he's seen. He begins to fondle them.
Do you know what I'm doing? he asks slightly out of breath. Yes, she replies, you're checking for breast cancer. You're absolutely right he says.
The doctor has her lie down and open her legs. There he sees the most perfect pussy he's ever seen. As he begins to feel her, he cannot resist, drops his pants and inserts his penis into her and starts thrusting.
Do you know what I'm doing now? he asks out of breath. Yes, she replies, you're getting herpes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z25ze/a_beautiful_young_girl_goes_into_the_doctors/
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The saying goes that the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

This must be very frustrating for a fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z22cr/the_saying_goes_that_the_journey_of_a_thousand/
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Tried to buy a Charlie Brown LP on ebay and got a Davy Jones album instead.

You know what they say.
You pay Peanuts, you get Monkees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z21jq/tried_to_buy_a_charlie_brown_lp_on_ebay_and_got_a/
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My father recently passed away.

I'll never forget how much I inherited.
From him I got the eye of an eagle, the heart of a lion and so much more.
He was the best hunter this world has ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1zsu/my_father_recently_passed_away/
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With all this controversy about being friend zoned made me nervous,so one day I bent down and hugged my best friend and told her I love her,and she

licked my face and wagged her tail!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1z0q/with_all_this_controversy_about_being_friend/
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A man is interviewing for a job at the DMV

A dude is interviewing for a job at the DMV.
Interviewer: i see in your form , under “Any physical deformities “ you have mentioned “partial genitalia” . What does that mean?
Dude: i got my nuts blown off in an accident.
Interviewer: ohh! I am sorry to hear about that however thats not much of a problem.
* The interview then goes on with a couple of more questions and the interviewer seems impressed *
Interviewer: I think you are exactly what we are looking for. You have the job.
Dude: Thats awesome! When can i start?
Interviewer: You can start Monday. The rest of us come in at 8:00 AM , you should come in at 9:00 AM.
Dude: Why is that?
Interviewer: We usually spend an hour scratching our nuts before we start actual work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1y5s/a_man_is_interviewing_for_a_job_at_the_dmv/
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A teacher once told me...

True story:
Remember that ‘Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me’ bullshit??
Well, in Year 4, I heard my teacher say this to another classmate. I raised my hand and said ‘Miss, I don’t think that’s right.’
My teacher asked me why I thought so. So, I threw a dictionary at her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1wmv/a_teacher_once_told_me/
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A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1vp7/a_man_is_in_a_hotel_lobby/
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Did you hear about the woman who sat down on a saw blade?

Dis-assed her.
Credit: my uncle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1tg0/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_sat_down_on_a/
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Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it.
When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.
The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.
“This fighting between our services?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1snn/two_marines_boarded_a_quick_shuttle_flight_out_of/
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Doctor Doctor I can't feel my legs !!!!

Well i'm not really surprised, we cut your arms off .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1ocs/doctor_doctor_i_cant_feel_my_legs/
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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted.
She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.
”How did it go?” the doctor asked.
”Terrible, doctor, terrible.”
”Did it not work?”
”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”
”Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1mlv/this_elderly_lady_went_to_the_doctor_for_a_checkup/
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert

. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1l9j/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_were_all_lost/
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Long but funny joke (nsfw a tiny bit I guess?)

One day a man was walking down the road and saw a sign on a stable that read "$500 to anyone who can make my horse stop crying" so as any person would do he went to see the horse owner
The horse owned said "i don't know what's wrong with him he just won't stop crying and crying,  he has been for days"
So the man went into the stable and 10 minutes later the horse was laughing so hard it could hardly breathe
"Wow, that was amazing" exclaimed the owner "can you tell me how you did it?" But the man refused and left with the money
The next day the man was walking down the same road and the stable's sign said "$500 to anyone who can stop my horse laughing so again, the man went to talk to the stable owner
"Whatever you did yesterday it worked too well and he won't stop laughing and it's horrible" whined the stable owner "please make it stop" so the man walked in the stable and 10 minutes later the horse was crying again
"Please tell me how you did that" asked the stable owner, but still the man refused. "Please please I'll pay you $100 extra if you tell me
The man finally gave in and told him "well the first day I said to the horse I had a larger dick then him and he found that funny, then the next day I proved it"
Holy crap that took ages to type

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1gko/long_but_funny_joke_nsfw_a_tiny_bit_i_guess/
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I did really well on my essay about communism.

People think they're funny by asking "did you get high Marx?" Actually, I did well because I approached the topic from all Engels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1gee/i_did_really_well_on_my_essay_about_communism/
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Apartment for rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to  spend the night with her for $500.  They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted  that the whole event had not been worth the price.  So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed please find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
\#1 - it had never been occupied;
\#2 - there was plenty of heat and water and
\#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
\#1 - it had been previously occupied,
\#2 - there wasn't any heat and certainly no water, and
\#3 - it was much too large for my comfort.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
\#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
\#2 - As for the heat and water, my apartment has plenty if you know how to turn it on.
\#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1g9r/apartment_for_rent/
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How do you tell what gender an ant is?

Put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant, if it floats it's buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1cyw/how_do_you_tell_what_gender_an_ant_is/
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I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me.

He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1c2l/i_have_an_imaginary_friend_but_he_keeps_making/
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World Cup

A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?”
The guy: “No…they are all at the funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z1afn/world_cup/
%
I bought my wife a pair of shoes and a dildo for Christmas...

and if she doesn’t like the shoes, she can go fuck herself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z16m5/i_bought_my_wife_a_pair_of_shoes_and_a_dildo_for/
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What does Thanos like to eat?

A healthy and perfectly balanced breakfast. As all breakfasts should be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z15z7/what_does_thanos_like_to_eat/
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Back before the internet was so public it was very hard to get to places we take for granted. For instance there used to be a gay internet, strictly for gay people.

To find it you had to hit these keys in this sequence on your keyboard it was "Enter" "Colon" "Pound, pound, pound"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z15uy/back_before_the_internet_was_so_public_it_was/
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What is worse than two children in a trash bin?

One child in two trash bins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z12a9/what_is_worse_than_two_children_in_a_trash_bin/
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A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her. The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets...

He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”
Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more and asks, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z0y9n/a_blonde_is_on_the_bus_when_this_guy_gets_on_with/
%
I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.

This takes the number of girls that I have made wet this year to -1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z0x0a/i_lent_my_umbrella_to_a_hot_girl_yesterday/
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"What should we call this thing in the ocena that is land?"

How about island?
"That seems too obvious"
What if we pronounced it weird
"Perfect"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z0sfr/what_should_we_call_this_thing_in_the_ocena_that/
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The autonomous hungarian

Somewhere in Transylvania, Romania.
Hungarian ethnic Istvan marries a romanian woman. His dad gives him the last advices for the wedding night:
- ''Istvan, my son, when you get back home take her in your arms and carry her over the doorstep, so she'll see hungarians are strong. Then you throw her on the bed to see hungarians are proud. Then you take off your clothes to see hungarians are good looking. From there on you know what to do, right?''
The morning after the wedding night, the father asks his son how was it.
- ''I took her in my arms to see hungarians are strong, I threw her on the bed to see hungarians are proud, I took off my clothes to see hungarians are good looking ... then I masturbated in front of her.''
- ''Why would you moron do such a thing?''
- ''So she'll see hungarians are autonomous and independent!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z0lx8/the_autonomous_hungarian/
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I just got home from a close friends funeral, he drowned last week......!

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z0ldk/i_just_got_home_from_a_close_friends_funeral_he/
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Racist jokes are like white people.

They are the best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z0kxq/racist_jokes_are_like_white_people/
%
They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"
Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z0hin/they_say_the_feds_track_all_internet_activity_and/
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If you sin 90 times, you will only get caught 50% of the time...

Because sin90 = cot45.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z0ey5/if_you_sin_90_times_you_will_only_get_caught_50/
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A London Bobby comes home to find his wife in bed with two men ....

He says: "Hello, Hello what's all this then?
Wife says: "What, no hello for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z0de5/a_london_bobby_comes_home_to_find_his_wife_in_bed/
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Which former European state exported mainly napkins?

The Serviette Union

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z0bjs/which_former_european_state_exported_mainly/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet?

Because the pee is silent.
With thanks to my seven year old son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z0ase/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_going_to_the/
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What do you call a snake thats 3.14m long?

A pi-thon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z0aaz/what_do_you_call_a_snake_thats_314m_long/
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What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z0322/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
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I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay.

They arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8z02iu/i_saw_2_guys_wearing_matching_outfits_and_asked/
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Two Hispanic guys are having a private conversation

A little Juan on Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yzz1o/two_hispanic_guys_are_having_a_private/
%
I read a sign today that almost made me piss myself

It was a sign that said "Bathroom closed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yzxgs/i_read_a_sign_today_that_almost_made_me_piss/
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An American, a Brit, and an Irishman each order a pint.

When the bartender delivers the drinks, each one has a fly floating in it.
The American throws a fit, yelling, saying how he can’t drink it, take it back immediately, etc.
The Brit removes the fly and politely enjoys his beer.
The Irishman is furious and screams at the fly: “STOP DRINKING MY BEER AND GET YOUR OWN!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yzsrl/an_american_a_brit_and_an_irishman_each_order_a/
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Damm girl, I wish I was RNA polymerase II

so I could unzip your jeans just long enough to shoot one out and leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yzsg7/damm_girl_i_wish_i_was_rna_polymerase_ii/
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A tourist in Hawaii is amazed at how healthy and invigorated he feels after just a few days into visiting the islands...

He strikes up a conversation with one of the locals while they are wading out into the crystal clear, warm surf on yet another perfect island day. "I just cant get over how beautiful this place is," the tourist says excitedly, "I feel great! I haven't felt this young and healthy in years! Island life is fantastic!" The local says, "I know what you mean! Take me for instance. When I came here I was totally bald, didn't have any teeth and I couldn't even walk...and look at me now!" The tourist looks at him and says, "Wow, that's amazing! How long have you been here?" And the local says, "Oh, I was born here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yzr1s/a_tourist_in_hawaii_is_amazed_at_how_healthy_and/
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Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yzjw3/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.
“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yzgbp/a_gorgeous_young_brunette_goes_into_the_doctors/
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Two guys find a huge hole while walking in the forest.

They can't even see the bottom. So they take a couple of rocks and toss them down. They wait and wait for the sound of the rocks hitting the bottom but they hear nothing. So they find a really large rock. It takes both of them, but they get it over the edge and down it goes. Still no sound. Then they see this giant log. I mean a HUGE log. It takes them a full 11 minutes of hard work but eventually they manage to push it in. Then out of nowhere a goat comes running like a flash of lightning and jumps into the hole.
Still no sound.
So they laugh and begin to walk back home. On the way back they pass a farmer. He walks up to them and asks, "have y'all seen my goat?"
They respond that there was one that ran and jumped into a hole.
He says, "Nah that couldn't be mine, mine was tied up to this giant log."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yzf79/two_guys_find_a_huge_hole_while_walking_in_the/
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What do a grenade and a woman have in common?

You remove the ring and your whole house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yzf4h/what_do_a_grenade_and_a_woman_have_in_common/
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A Child Molester, a Priest and a Liar walk into a bar.

His name was John.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yzc94/a_child_molester_a_priest_and_a_liar_walk_into_a/
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My vegan girlfriend got into a fight with another vegan

I guess you could say these vegans were having beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yzc6i/my_vegan_girlfriend_got_into_a_fight_with_another/
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A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sitting quietly in the pub having a pint, when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac and then storms off again...

The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”
The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yz8y8/a_bit_of_red_tarmac_and_a_bit_of_black_tarmac/
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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yz7nt/bill_has_worked_in_a_pickle_factory_for_several/
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Experimental Drug

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his food at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in his food like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yz5t3/experimental_drug/
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What do you call a dwarf with ESP who escapes from prison?

A Small Medium at Large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yz1v2/what_do_you_call_a_dwarf_with_esp_who_escapes/
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Instruction

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad: “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil, and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yz1fw/instruction/
%
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yyz0d/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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I bought my wife a qwerty keyboard for Valentine's Day...

...She said she wanted a divorak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yyvw1/i_bought_my_wife_a_qwerty_keyboard_for_valentines/
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My uncle was kicked by a horse the other day

He's in stable condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yyryi/my_uncle_was_kicked_by_a_horse_the_other_day/
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yyot7/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
%
For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yylqu/forprofit_healthcare_is_a_great_system_that/
%
Two brothers, ages four and six, are sitting in their front yard...

The six year old says to his little brother, “hey, tomorrow morning at breakfast... let’s say swear words to mom.” The four year old likes the idea and replies, “yeahhhhhh I like that!”
So the next day at breakfast, mom comes out to the kitchen and asks the boys what they would like for breakfast, to which the six year old says, “I’ll take some FUCKIN Cheerios!” Well shit, momma slaps the shit out of him, takes him up to his room. The four year old can hear his older brother crying upstairs as the mom comes back down and asks, “Now what would you like for breakfast hunny?” The four year old pauses, looks at his mother and hears the screams from upstairs, and replies “I dunno, but you can bet your fat ass it ain’t gonna be fuckin Cheerios!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yykh2/two_brothers_ages_four_and_six_are_sitting_in/
%
A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink...

the only people in there are a bartender and an old man nursing a beer. And he orders a pint, and they sit in silence for a while. And suddenly the old man turns to him and goes, "You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands from the finest wood in the county. Gave it more love and care than my own child. But do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? No." Points out the window. "You see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands. Found every stone, placed them just so through the rain and the cold. But do they call me MacGregor the stone wall builder? No." Points out the window. "You see that pier on the lake out there? I built that pier with my bare hands. Drove the pilings against the tide of the sand, plank by plank. But do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No. But you fuck one goat ... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yyja0/a_tourist_is_backpacking_through_the_highlands_of/
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Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?

‘Cause the cow’s got the udder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yyeex/why_do_cowmilking_stools_only_have_three_legs/
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I like to spend every day as if it’s my last.

Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yye0e/i_like_to_spend_every_day_as_if_its_my_last/
%
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact.

On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.
One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.
"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!"
"Not now! I'm eating."
"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."
"No way."
"Please. It's urgent."
So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.
"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"
"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yydji/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_river_the_nile_river/
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Who holds the record for longest time trapped in a cave with a soccer team?

It's a Thai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yybz9/who_holds_the_record_for_longest_time_trapped_in/
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I recently drove through the town of Covert, New York on a road trip.

I didn't notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yyam4/i_recently_drove_through_the_town_of_covert_new/
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What is the difference between a doctor and God?

God doesn't think he's a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yy62d/what_is_the_difference_between_a_doctor_and_god/
%
Happiness recipe.

I've found the recipe for happiness. Can someone just send me some money so that I can buy the ingredients?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yy5yk/happiness_recipe/
%
I bought a ticket to world cup finals without realizing it’s also my wedding day! Does anyone want to go in my place?

The church is St Antony’s and the brides’ name is Joanna..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yy4jw/i_bought_a_ticket_to_world_cup_finals_without/
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*knocks on doctors office* Doctor doctor I can't get my wife pregnant

Doctor:Why don't you come inside?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yy4hj/knocks_on_doctors_office_doctor_doctor_i_cant_get/
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A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying  buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress for ransom.
One man said, "The terrorists said if they don't get $50 million they're going to cover  everyone in Congress in gasoline and set them on fire. So we're taking up a collection."
"How much is everyone donating?" the woman asked.
"About a gallon or two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yy39k/a_woman_found_herself_in_a_traffic_jam/
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I dont care if I seem racist

Drag racing just is not as impressive as formula 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yy2ki/i_dont_care_if_i_seem_racist/
%
A man asked God what he thought of a million years,

God replied, “A minute”
So the man asked, God, what is a billion dollars to you?”
God replied, “A penny”
The man said, “ God may I please have 1 penny?”
God said, “Certainly, just give me a minute”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yy02n/a_man_asked_god_what_he_thought_of_a_million_years/
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Moses, Jesus, and a bearded old man are playing golf

Moses drives a long one, which lands on the fairway but rolls directly toward the pond. Moses raises his club, parts the water, and the ball rolls safely to the other side.
Jesus also hits a long one toward the same pond, but just as it’s about to land in the center, it hovers above the surface. Jesus casually walks out on the pond and chips it onto the green.  The bearded man’s drive hits a fence and bounces out onto the street, where it caroms off an oncoming truck and back onto the fairway. It’s headed directly for the pond, but it lands on a lily pad, where a frog sees it and snatches it into his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog, and flies away. As the eagle and frog pass over the green, the frog drops the ball, and it lands in the cup for a hole-in-one.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxzqm/moses_jesus_and_a_bearded_old_man_are_playing_golf/
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Kale is a negative calorie food,

meaning the kale itself contains fewer calories than your body uses to throw it up because it's so fucking disgusting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxy7y/kale_is_a_negative_calorie_food/
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An employee texts his boss "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?"

His boss answers "I don't know." The employee replies "I'm not coming in this
morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxx0c/an_employee_texts_his_boss_whats_the_difference/
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If my wife had a dollar for every joke she made about the wage gap...

She would have 77 cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxvxv/if_my_wife_had_a_dollar_for_every_joke_she_made/
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"Pity about your boys coming in fourth in the world Cup!" joked Trump to Theresa May.

"Yeah..." she replied. "Pity about your boys coming second in Vietnam. Oh, you weren't there, were you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxteb/pity_about_your_boys_coming_in_fourth_in_the/
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who can count in binary,

ternary, quaternary, quinary, senary, septenary, octal, nonary, decimal and hexadecimal, and those who weren't expecting a double-subverted binary joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxs90/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_the_world_those/
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What do you call a tortoise that got ran over by a semi truck?

A tortilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxnzn/what_do_you_call_a_tortoise_that_got_ran_over_by/
%
How do you organize a space party?

You planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxmrx/how_do_you_organize_a_space_party/
%
I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth.

Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxmcd/i_wish_the_antique_roadshow_guy_just_told_me_how/
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I'm so sick of people coming to my door asking for donations.

I had a woman from the local sperm bank knocking this morning...
...boy, did I give her a mouthful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxirl/im_so_sick_of_people_coming_to_my_door_asking_for/
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I went to the doctor the other day to get my physical

The doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I said "why's that doc?"  He said "because I'm trying to give you a physical."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxhvx/i_went_to_the_doctor_the_other_day_to_get_my/
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What's the difference between a compass and a feminist?

A compass actually has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxgba/whats_the_difference_between_a_compass_and_a/
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Thanos would make a great accountant

The books would always be balanced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxg2n/thanos_would_make_a_great_accountant/
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A wife told her husband she looks fat so she asked for a compliment

Her husband instantly compliments her saying "you have excellent eyesight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxedv/a_wife_told_her_husband_she_looks_fat_so_she/
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I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl

Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yxc3l/i_was_gonna_smoke_weed_with_this_mexican_girl/
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Didi you hear about what happened to the woman who walked backwards into a propeller?

Disaster...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yx9qu/didi_you_hear_about_what_happened_to_the_woman/
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What do you call an edible gourd with a cheeky disposition?

A Sass-Squash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yx3dm/what_do_you_call_an_edible_gourd_with_a_cheeky/
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I can't relax when I'm camping . . .

It's too in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yx1ts/i_cant_relax_when_im_camping/
%
The cannibal was late for dinner.

He got a cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yx14j/the_cannibal_was_late_for_dinner/
%
One of the guys I’m training just jokingly told me “I heard your mom is loose”.

I immediately responded “ashes usually are after they’re spread”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yx12v/one_of_the_guys_im_training_just_jokingly_told_me/
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My girlfriend got really upset when we watched the Harry Potter movies back to back

It isn’t my fault I was the one facing the tv

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yx0t1/my_girlfriend_got_really_upset_when_we_watched/
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I hate it when people talk about their 'spirit animals'

It's 2018, you can say fursona.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ywzwa/i_hate_it_when_people_talk_about_their_spirit/
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A communist joke can only be funny...

If everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ywyfx/a_communist_joke_can_only_be_funny/
%
What does the acronym DNA stand for?

National dyslexia association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ywwwb/what_does_the_acronym_dna_stand_for/
%
It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ywwfl/it_is_interesting_how_different_nations_have/
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What do you call the science of classifying living things?

Racism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ywvd0/what_do_you_call_the_science_of_classifying/
%
Why was the duck broke?

he spent all his money on quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ywtks/why_was_the_duck_broke/
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He Must Pay

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ywt2f/he_must_pay/
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I was crying and yelling: “It’s a boy! I cannot believe it...it’s a boy!”

– Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yws85/i_was_crying_and_yelling_its_a_boy_i_cannot/
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Did you hear about who lived in absolute zero temperatures?

He is 0K now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yws05/did_you_hear_about_who_lived_in_absolute_zero/
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Breaking News: Study finds that the average man says 10,000 words a day, while women say 20,000.

Woman: That’s because we have to repeat everything we say!
Man: What?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ywn4l/breaking_news_study_finds_that_the_average_man/
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An 80-year old man was arrested for shop lifting.

When he went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked him, "What did you steal?"
He replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked him why he had stolen the can of peaches, and he replied that he was hungry.
The judge then asked him how many peaches were in the can.
He replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the man's wife spoke up and asked the judge if she could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The wife said, "He also stole a can of peas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ywif9/an_80year_old_man_was_arrested_for_shop_lifting/
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Why was the birdkeeper so popular?

She was always showing her tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ywhv6/why_was_the_birdkeeper_so_popular/
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Why do people keep linking me to r/wooosh ?

I don’t get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ywht8/why_do_people_keep_linking_me_to_rwooosh/
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What do you call a doggo in the basement?

A sub woofer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yweiu/what_do_you_call_a_doggo_in_the_basement/
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Trump meets the Queen

So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.
Queen:’ Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality,  a duke rules a duchy and so on’
Donald:’ I rule the USA, what does that make me’
Queen:”that’s a country, that makes you a ....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ywc8z/trump_meets_the_queen/
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What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yw9b6/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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How do you trap a blonde in a room?

Put a ‘Do Not Enter’ sign on the back of the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yw903/how_do_you_trap_a_blonde_in_a_room/
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Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yw7x5/attention_america_we_brits_have_your_president_if/
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A woman is in a coma, and the nurse..

... tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman's vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens.
So the nurse calls the husband and says 'come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.' so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says, ' i think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma, it will arrouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.' so the nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room.
Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. the husband says, 'I don't know, I think that she started choking.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yw63y/a_woman_is_in_a_coma_and_the_nurse/
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They say you are what you eat...

today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yw4uk/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
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What's the difference between a Blimp and 365 Blow Jobs?

Ones a GoodYear ones a Great Year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yw4ls/whats_the_difference_between_a_blimp_and_365_blow/
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What's the difference between Louis CK's katana and Bill Cosby's fencing sword?

One's a little rapier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yw0eg/whats_the_difference_between_louis_cks_katana_and/
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I’m broke, and I am drinking at the bar where my ex girlfriend works.

I am hoping she would give me another shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yvx8v/im_broke_and_i_am_drinking_at_the_bar_where_my_ex/
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If i had an inch of rope for every sucide joke i made...

I'd have enough rope to hang myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yvmso/if_i_had_an_inch_of_rope_for_every_sucide_joke_i/
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How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and I heard all the patients shouting, “13...13...13”
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the fence, so I looked thought to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick , then they all started shouting, “14...14...14”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yvkg3/how_i_learned_to_mind_my_own_business/
%
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yvj73/a_lady_about_8_months_pregnant_got_on_a_bus/
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yvh9u/a_married_irishman_went_into_the_confessional_and/
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What do you call a French prostitute in Pakistan?

Lahore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yvgws/what_do_you_call_a_french_prostitute_in_pakistan/
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Lois Lane is on an assignment in Japan.

Meanwhile Superman is flying around saving the day, he misses Lois and is feeling horny.
He flies over the Justice League headquarters and sees Wonder Woman on her back, sunbathing nude on the roof. He contemplates for a moment and decides to make his move.
As fast as a speeding bullet he swoops in penetrates and flies away.
Wonder Woman flinches, looks around and says "what the Hell was that?!"
The invisible man says "I don't know but my ass is killing me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yvgkc/lois_lane_is_on_an_assignment_in_japan/
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Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says, "Um, I think we got this joke wrong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yvg74/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
%
What's a hooker's favorite drink?

7-up in cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yvext/whats_a_hookers_favorite_drink/
%
Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

I nearly answered him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yvdco/somebody_said_today_that_im_lazy/
%
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yvcsx/one_night_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_sad_the/
%
A magician was working on a cruise ship...

A magician was working on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yvbp3/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship/
%
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”

The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yvbfl/a_man_says_to_his_friend_i_havent_spoken_to_my/
%
Communism might sound good on paper ...

... unless you’re reading a history book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yv654/communism_might_sound_good_on_paper/
%
Somebody should've told Logan Paul the Thai kids in the cave had died.

He would have found them in no time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yv14q/somebody_shouldve_told_logan_paul_the_thai_kids/
%
What do you call a Spanish rodent, that's always asking questions?

A porquepine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yv05o/what_do_you_call_a_spanish_rodent_thats_always/
%
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

The golfer goes: Whack! SHIT!
The skydiver goes: SHIT! Whack!
Credit to u/perb123

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yuzma/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
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Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?

He was getting a head of himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yuvxp/why_couldnt_the_man_3d_printing_his_face_control/
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A naked man runs past me down the street...

Seeing this I yell "Oi you!"
He turns and reveals he's clutching a bag of cashews to protect his modesty.
"Are you fucking nuts?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yuuec/a_naked_man_runs_past_me_down_the_street/
%
I can count how many times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand

It’s seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yur8c/i_can_count_how_many_times_ive_been_to_chernobyl/
%
So there’s this kid around my town who goes around with little rosary beads all the time...

He’s a roamin’ Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yuqwb/so_theres_this_kid_around_my_town_who_goes_around/
%
If I see one more asshole texting and driving...

I’m going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yuq4y/if_i_see_one_more_asshole_texting_and_driving/
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You ever have those days when real life feels like you were cast in a movie?

Sometimes I'm "Pedestrian #4" and other times I'm "Man on bike".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yukid/you_ever_have_those_days_when_real_life_feels/
%
The women from the 1930's were so beautiful. I've always wondered what it would be like to have sex with someone like that.

It was OK. Definitely not worth getting fired from the retirement home, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yujbq/the_women_from_the_1930s_were_so_beautiful_ive/
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Wifi password

I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer to the hotel lounge to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, "What’s the WiFi password?"
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a beer.
Bartender: We have Molson’s Canadian on tap.
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $8.00.
Me: Okay, here you go. What’s the WiFi password?
Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst" -- no spaces and all lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yuhh6/wifi_password/
%
I heard a rumour about the Canadian prime minister

I'm not sure if it was Trudeau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yuh91/i_heard_a_rumour_about_the_canadian_prime_minister/
%
An elderly man in Louisiana owned a farm with a large pond in the back...

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a farm with a large pond in the back. The pond was nicely set up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One afternoon, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and gather some fruit. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to for the fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yudc4/an_elderly_man_in_louisiana_owned_a_farm_with_a/
%
A CNN Reporter, a BBC Reporter, and an Israeli commando were hiking through the jungle...

A CNN Reporter, BBC Reporter, and an Israeli commando were hiking through the jungle and were captured by cannibals. The chief of the cannibals said, "I am aware of your Western custom of granting the condemned one final wish. What do you wish for, before we kill and eat your?"  The CNN Reporter said, ‘Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The chief nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, ‘I’m a reporter. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, ‘Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The chief turned and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli commando, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the ass,” said the soldier. “What?’ asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Israeli. So the chief shoved him into the open and kicked him in the ass. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his uzi and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, all the cannibals were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yucmy/a_cnn_reporter_a_bbc_reporter_and_an_israeli/
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I absolutely hate the noises that tennis players make at Wimbledon...

What a racquet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yu5j7/i_absolutely_hate_the_noises_that_tennis_players/
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What do you call a store that only sells pretzels, bagels and donuts?

Hole Foods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yu29q/what_do_you_call_a_store_that_only_sells_pretzels/
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I kept trying to give my caddy a tip after my last round of golf, but he refused.

Apparently after watching me play, he only wanted money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yu0n6/i_kept_trying_to_give_my_caddy_a_tip_after_my/
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my sight was getting bad so I went to get glasses ...

I could not afford a pair so I bought a monocle instead -
at least now I have 1920 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ytzkz/my_sight_was_getting_bad_so_i_went_to_get_glasses/
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I have the heart of a lion, the dick of a horse,

and a lifetime ban from the city zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yty8g/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion_the_dick_of_a_horse/
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I found a way to make my penis 12 inches.

Fold it in half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yty68/i_found_a_way_to_make_my_penis_12_inches/
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3 war heroes come back from 'nam...

An officer approaches the heroes and says "For your valiant effort and heroic action i will give you a monetary reward. Pick 2 points on your body i will measure the distance between the points and give you $10 for every inch between them."
The first man thinks hard then says "i choose the tip of my haed to my toes sir"
The officer measures and says "$720 congratulations son"
The next man says "tip of my left middle finger to the tip of my right sir"
Then the second man stretches his arms as the officer measures.
"$730 congratulations son"
The third a fairly modest man says "i only want from my palm to my pinkie finger sir"
The officer looks shocked but the third man is adamant
The officer goes to measure jumps back shocked and says "good god son wheres your pinkie"
The man grins "its back in vietnam sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ytwt6/3_war_heroes_come_back_from_nam/
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I told this guy that nouns were pointless.

He said, "Give me a good reason, you cocksucker!"
I said, "Now now, there's no need for names."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ytvvv/i_told_this_guy_that_nouns_were_pointless/
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Chinese brothers opened a dry cleaning service in town...

Two Wongs *can* make it white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ytuy7/chinese_brothers_opened_a_dry_cleaning_service_in/
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Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet.

The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ytu1w/chuck_norris_and_superman_once_fought_each_other/
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Very, very, very sad day.

VERY VERY VERY SAD DAY.  A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time,  effort, training and money. He is still paying his school loans. This just goes to show you one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family.
He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ytt0q/very_very_very_sad_day/
%
Office Bj's

Quickest way to get a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ytsy6/office_bjs/
%
I went to see a doctor.

I said, "My girlfriend says I'm suffering from severe paranoia."
"What do you want me to do?" he asked.
I said, "Stop having sex with her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ytsi5/i_went_to_see_a_doctor/
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yts6t/an_80_year_old_man_was_having_his_annual_checkup/
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A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery. Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ytrsb/a_jew_and_an_arab_walk_into_a_bakery_once_inside/
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Ever since John was a boy, he was fascinated by trains.

He was born in Hungary and always wanted to drive trains, so he became a conductor. He loved his job, but unfortunately he was careless and never learned from his mistakes. One day at work John forgot to close the train doors and signal its departure. One person died in the accident and John was sentenced to death by electrocution. On the day of his execution John said goodbye to his friends and family and requested a banana as his last meal. Then he sat down on the electric chair, the executioner fliped the switch and... nothing happened. By the local law, John was set free after his failed execution. The very next day he returned to his work, but unfortunately he hasn't learned anything from his previous mistake. He wasn't paying attention and caused another accident. This time two people died. Again, he was to be electrocuted. On the day of the execution, he requested two bananas as his last meal. When he finished, he sat down on the electric chair, the executioner fliped the switch, and again, nothing happened. John was spared and got back to work the very next day. He wasn't any more careful this time. He caused another accident, and killed three people this time. Again, he was sentenced to death by electrocution. On the day of his execution, he requested three bananas as his last meal, but the executioner refused angrily:
- "You won't get any bananas, no more of your tricks! You're not getting away this time!"
John sat down on the chair without eating anything, the executioner fliped the switch, but again, nothing happened to John. The executioner asked him:
- "You didn't eat any bananas, how are you doing this?"
- "Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it. I'm just a very bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ytq7c/ever_since_john_was_a_boy_he_was_fascinated_by/
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What do you call a professional musician without a girlfriend or boyfriend?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ytoog/what_do_you_call_a_professional_musician_without/
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Newborn baby

A man and a woman got a baby. After a year the baby starts to say some words. One evening she yelled, grandpa! After 2 days the baby's grandpa dies. The funeral happens and the parents are sad and confused. He was a healthy man and had no illness. After a week the baby yells, grandma! After 2 days the baby's grandma dies. The funeral happens and the parents are sad and confused once again, the grandma was healthy and had no illness. The family finds it kind of strange and they start to believe the baby is causing the deaths. After a week she yells, daddy! The whole family starts crying and prepare a funeral. On the day of the funeral nothing happens and after a while they found out that their neighbour died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ytmq2/newborn_baby/
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A young Nun

Is doing her chores around the convent with one of the senior sisters. They go into town on bicycles to buy food for the evening meal. On the way back, the senior sister turns down a small alleyway. The young nun says,
“I don’t think I’ve ever come this way before.”
To which the senior nun replies,
“Yes, dear. It’s the cobblestones.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ytidn/a_young_nun/
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I have sex daily.

*dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yti5d/i_have_sex_daily/
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People tell me I raised my child the wrong way.

When in fact pulleys are very efficient.
\[OC\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ythfw/people_tell_me_i_raised_my_child_the_wrong_way/
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Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ytg7g/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
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What do you call a communist sniper?

A marx-man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yt932/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yt6ev/my_wife_just_opened_my_car_door_for_me/
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I was getting a prostate examination when the doctor said "just so you know, this is a digital rectal exam".

"I understand. I know what is involved", I reply.
The doctor elaborates, "Just so you know, this exam will likely cause an erection".
I consider it for a moment and say, "That's fine, I've got it under control. It should be ok".
The doctor replies, "I wasn't talking about you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yt5m1/i_was_getting_a_prostate_examination_when_the/
%
Where's Donald Trump's favorite place to shop?

Wall-Mart!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yt4o1/wheres_donald_trumps_favorite_place_to_shop/
%
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction…

So I packed up my stuff and right…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yt2av/my_wife_is_really_mad_at_the_fact_that_i_have_no/
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I'd rather die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa

Than screaming in terror like the passangers of the bus he was driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yt1r0/id_rather_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
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A school shooter is gunning down his classmates when he sees his ex-girlfriend. Why didn't he kill her?

He missed her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ysyql/a_school_shooter_is_gunning_down_his_classmates/
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I met a Jewish girl today.

She asked for my number. I told her we use names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ysydr/i_met_a_jewish_girl_today/
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My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ysy3a/my_flatearther_friend_decided_to_walk_to_the_end/
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I just found out that UK doesn't have a kidney bank

but at least it has a Liverpool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ysv64/i_just_found_out_that_uk_doesnt_have_a_kidney_bank/
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Bathroom Poetry

This little throne I call my own
I aim to keep it neat
So drain your soul, pee down the hole
And not upon the seat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ysv11/bathroom_poetry/
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A priest wanted to test the sanity of his monks.

He tied to his 4 monk's dicks a rope connected to a bell.
He showed all of them a picture of a woman in a bikini.
Ding!
The priest slapped the first monk and said:"You are no saint! Get out of here!"
And the first monk left.
Next he showed all of them a picture of a fully naked woman.
Ding!
The priest slapped the second monk and said:"You are no aaint! Get out of here!"
And the second monk left.
Next he showed them all a video of a woman masturbating.
Ding!
The priest slapped the third monk and said:"You are no saint! Get out of here!"
And the third monk left.
Happy, the priest came to the last monk and said:" Come here my son! You are a true saint."
The priest hugged him.
Ding!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ysu1z/a_priest_wanted_to_test_the_sanity_of_his_monks/
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ystla/how_does_donald_trump_plan_on_deporting_12/
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Why do Jews have circumcision?

Because the Jewish women will take anything that's 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yst4t/why_do_jews_have_circumcision/
%
The cure for my depression is right around the corner.

Yes, here comes my train now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ysol4/the_cure_for_my_depression_is_right_around_the/
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Italians don't just have style...

...They have pizzazz...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ysl5b/italians_dont_just_have_style/
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Twas a slow and quiet day in the little Irish parish

so Father Oriley decided to go for a stroll
down by docks. He ran into Patrick, the local firsherman who just about to head off in his boat.
Patrick offered to take the Father out fishing for the afternoon since he was bored so they headed off.
About an hour of fishing later the priest got a huge bite and reeled in one of the biggest fish Patrick
had seen, astounded and not thinking he blurted out "Wow Father would you look at the size of that fucker!"
The priest said, "Exsuse me son you are in the company of a man of the cloth would you mind watching your
language."
Patrick thinking quick to save face said "No no Father, you got me all wrong, thats what it is
called a fucker."
Anyways the priest go back to the parish and runs into sister Mary "Sister Mary, would you
mind cleaing and gutting this fucker for me?"
She too was astouned at the language used but the priest
explained that was what type of fish it was. So she cleans it and takes it to the Mother superior. "Mother
superior, do you feel like cooking a meal with this fucker this evening?"
She was taken aback too, but sister
Mary expalined and it was off to the stove. Now believe it or not, by fluke, the Pope decided to drop by that
night and they invited him to stay for tea. After they had eaten the pope declared "That was a beautiful dish!"
To which the priest replied "I caught the fucker!"
Sister Mary "I cleaned and gutted the fucker!"
And the Mother superior, "And I cooked the fucker!"
Well you could of heard a pin drop, the Pope was flabbergasted, his
expression deadpan, he pushed his seat back and stared at all 3 of them. Then he pulled a bottle of whisky
out of his pocket, lit up a cigarett and said "You know what, you c@#nts are ok"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ysj5v/twas_a_slow_and_quiet_day_in_the_little_irish/
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An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yshby/an_old_lady_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_shes_chatting/
%
I was shopping online, and I was shocked to find how expensive my wife’s vibrators were.

She is sitting on a small fortune.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ysg9b/i_was_shopping_online_and_i_was_shocked_to_find/
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I have a buddy who's 6' 11" and his wife is only 3' 6"...

They've been married over a decade and he's still nuts over her...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yscyw/i_have_a_buddy_whos_6_11_and_his_wife_is_only_3_6/
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COWBOY'S TOMB STONE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yscuy/cowboys_tomb_stone/
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I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend

Love meant nothing to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ys826/i_had_to_break_up_with_my_tennis_player_girlfriend/
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What’s 3 words you never want to hear during sex?

Honey I’m home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ys6mc/whats_3_words_you_never_want_to_hear_during_sex/
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Your mother is so fat

Her chins wear suspenders.
(Hope its original, I just thought it up. If not, I can live with it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ys1bo/your_mother_is_so_fat/
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What did the student's extremely basic answer get in the exam?

14/14

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yrsjg/what_did_the_students_extremely_basic_answer_get/
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What does Americans call tea?

Fish food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yrrk5/what_does_americans_call_tea/
%
A good friend is like a tree

Hit them with an axe and they fall down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yrn41/a_good_friend_is_like_a_tree/
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Once I got annoyed with my Nokia and threw it at the wall

Now I'm in jail for murdering my neighbour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yrmqr/once_i_got_annoyed_with_my_nokia_and_threw_it_at/
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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me

"Stop shaking the fucking ladder!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yrmhw/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words_to_me/
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Why does Ariel wear seashells?

Because B were too small and D were too large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yrmd4/why_does_ariel_wear_seashells/
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If there’s one good thing about being an anti-vaxxer ...

...it’s that I only have to pay for a smaller coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yrlg4/if_theres_one_good_thing_about_being_an_antivaxxer/
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How does a Jew make his coffee?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yrlbi/how_does_a_jew_make_his_coffee/
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The tree tried to kill its president.

I don't know why but I'm sure it had its treason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yrkyi/the_tree_tried_to_kill_its_president/
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Man just attacked me with milk, cream and butter

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yri9s/man_just_attacked_me_with_milk_cream_and_butter/
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Did you hear about the tennis player who lost her finger?

I heard she plays ninenis now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yredj/did_you_hear_about_the_tennis_player_who_lost_her/
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What do you call a goth guy who likes women?

A straight edge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yrbgz/what_do_you_call_a_goth_guy_who_likes_women/
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I’ve always tried to hold my breath when a character is under water, to see if I could survive the situation

Finding Nemo was a tough one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yr8tj/ive_always_tried_to_hold_my_breath_when_a/
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What happens in Vegas...

A perpetual gambler had a rare turn of luck and hit a 500k jackpot. The casino, determined to get their money back, comped him one of their best luxury suites. Lonely, he was seeking some lady company for the evening. He called down to the concierge’s desk and requested the best looking call girl in Vegas to be sent up to his suite.
About 30 minutes later. he opened the door to see the hottest woman he’d ever laid eyes on in person.
This was a first for him. I mean sure, he’d always stored this fantasy somewhere in the “that’d be amazing, but would NEVER happen to me.” file. But yet here he was...
Thankfully though, she was a pro and used to the shy boy mentality. She made herself a stiff drink and got right down to business, “Tell me what you’d like, honey?”
Taken off guard, he stammers, “Umm. Uhh So how much for a hand job?”
“A hand job.? That’ll be $500.”, she replied.
“$500!!? For a hand job?!!”, he says in shock.
She gets up and strolls over to the window and motions for him to join.
She points down and says, “Do you see that strip mall right over there?”
“Yeah.”, he replies.
“Well, I own it. I bought it with the money I earn from giving hand jobs, so I must be pretty damn good at it.”
Surprised, but curious, he agrees, “Okay. Tonight I’m celebrating.”
A little while later he’s sitting there in absolute bliss amazed by the best damn hand job he didn’t even know was possible. The two share another cocktail, and after a bit he works up the courage to ask, “So how much for a blowjob?”
“A blowjob? That’ll be $5,000.”, she replies.
“WHAT? WHOA! $5,000?!!! For a blow job?!!!l”, .he says in a raised voice.
Again, she stands up and motions for him to join her back at the window. Mainly out of curiosity, he complies.
“Honey, do you see that 10 story hotel and casino right over there?”, she points.
“Yeah.”, he replies.
She tells him, “Well, I own it and I bought it with the money I got from giving blowjobs so I must be pretty damn good at it!”
“Okay, okay. Tonight, money is no option. I’m celebrating!! Let’s do this.”, he replies.
Holy Mother of God. It was the blowjob to end all blowjobs. He was a changed man on a spiritual level. He was still lost in glorious bliss when he said, “Okay, I’m a really afraid to ask this, but how much for some pussy?”
She laughed and said, “Honey, IF I had a pussy I’d own this whole Goddamn town!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yr54x/what_happens_in_vegas/
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Why couldn't the AntiVaxxer's middle aged son read?

He was 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yqyzh/why_couldnt_the_antivaxxers_middle_aged_son_read/
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I realized that Oprah is one of the few celebrities to live up to her name.

Because her audience members Winfrey stuff.
***I reposted because of typo in title.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yqyda/i_realized_that_oprah_is_one_of_the_few/
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I tripped on the way to the sandwich shop near my house.

r/SubsYouFellFor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yqy55/i_tripped_on_the_way_to_the_sandwich_shop_near_my/
%
You can tell a lot about a girl from her shoes.

For example: if they’re behind her ears, she likes you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yqvzg/you_can_tell_a_lot_about_a_girl_from_her_shoes/
%
I had to return my new mail-order guitar

So I marked it "return to Fender"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yqlb6/i_had_to_return_my_new_mailorder_guitar/
%
What cologne does Bill Cosby wear?

Chloroform

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yqhog/what_cologne_does_bill_cosby_wear/
%
I came out to my girlfriend about being a golden shower fanatic today...

I told her straight up, “Either urine, or you’re out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yqgz5/i_came_out_to_my_girlfriend_about_being_a_golden/
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A man is walking along the beach with his wife when he stumbles upon an oil lamp poking from the sand...

Intrigued, the man picks it up and begins to rub the sand off it. To his surprise, a genie emerges from the lamp!
The genie says in a mighty voice, "As a reward for releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. However, your wife shall receive double of what you ask for."
Without hesitation, the man excitedly says, "I want a brand new sports the car, the best one there is!"
"Very well, it shall be done," the genie replies.
With a snap of the genie's fingers, the man is suddenly sitting on the seat of a magnificent new sports car. The man is overwhelmed with joy, but turns to see that his wife has TWO new sports cars, and they're as amazing as his!
"Well honey, looks like I won't have to hear you complain about my driving anymore!" the man's wife says.
Annoyed, but not to be distracted from his new found fortune, the man quickly exclaims, "A million dollars genie! I want a million dollars!"
"Your wish is my command," the genie replies, before stacks of $100 bills materialize out of thin air and fill up the man's car.
The man is delighted and throws his new found wealth into the air, but then he turns and jealously peers at his wife, who has two cars overflowing with money!
Overcome by a jealous rage, the man turns to the genie and shouts, "GENIE, I WANT YOU TO BEAT ME HALF TO DEATH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yqg2y/a_man_is_walking_along_the_beach_with_his_wife/
%
I will be hosting a benefit for men who have problems ejaculating during intercourse tomorrow evening at 6:00.

If you can’t come, let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yqedw/i_will_be_hosting_a_benefit_for_men_who_have/
%
English is a difficult language...

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yqd5z/english_is_a_difficult_language/
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What’s an anti-vaxxer’s favorite game?

Marco Polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yq477/whats_an_antivaxxers_favorite_game/
%
What do you call a helpful lemon?

Lemonade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yq2yg/what_do_you_call_a_helpful_lemon/
%
What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?

A pilot you fucking racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yq2pp/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_who_flies_a_plane/
%
What kind of sex happens in a convent?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ypw9y/what_kind_of_sex_happens_in_a_convent/
%
so I went to the bar last night

and saw this fat girl dancing on a table... I said "Good legs." The girl giggled and said "You really think so?" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yprp3/so_i_went_to_the_bar_last_night/
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I used to be into BDSM, homosexuality, bestiality and necrophilia.

Then after a while I realized I was just beating off a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yppxr/i_used_to_be_into_bdsm_homosexuality_bestiality/
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I like my liquor like I like my men...

Hard and fruity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ypppy/i_like_my_liquor_like_i_like_my_men/
%
The creator of Mad Libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ypmtn/the_creator_of_mad_libs_died_this_week/
%
Age Of innocence

“Mommy, my turtle’s dead,” Andrew sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her.
His mother kissed him on the head and said, “That’s all right. We’ll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and then have a nice burial ceremony in the backyard. After that, we’ll go out for an ice cream cone and get you a new pet.”
“Ice cream?” the little boy said, wiping his tears and smiling. Ice cream was a rare treat for him. “Oh, wow, that’s great!”
His mother said, “I don’t want you to be concerned . . .” Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. “Andrew, your turtle isn’t dead after all!”
Andrew looked down at the turtle. “Oh,” he said. He thought for a long moment, then asked in a small, hopeful voice, “Can I kill it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ypgxu/age_of_innocence/
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A guy was peeing on a tree

When suddenly a fairy appeared out of nowhere.
"Thank you" said the fairy.
"Your hot water saved me from a curse that was cast unto me for being stupid. I may be dumb but I can grant wishes, as a thank you for saving me from that terrible curse I can grant one of your wishes."
The man was delighted as he's been wanting a big penis.
"When I wake up I want my penis to touch the floor" he said enthusiastically.
The fairy is a bit puzzled with the request and said "Okay. I will grant you this wish. Farewell"
The man went home and slept like a baby.
The man woke up and said "Can't wait to see my big penis"
As he try to get off of his bed he fell down.
He felt a sudden cold on the tip of his penis.
"This must be it! I can feel the cold floor" he said excitingly.
He's so excited to see his penis only to find out that it's still the same size but his legs are gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ypgt9/a_guy_was_peeing_on_a_tree/
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Hear the one about the suicidal physicist who didn't jump off a roof?

He realized he had so much potential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ypfjh/hear_the_one_about_the_suicidal_physicist_who/
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What is Donald Trump’s least favorite rock band?

Foreigner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ypfc5/what_is_donald_trumps_least_favorite_rock_band/
%
How did the hipster burn his lip?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ypewd/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_lip/
%
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ypbxd/what_do_you_call_a_girl_in_the_middle_of_a_tennis/
%
It's been a few weeks since the last school shooting.

Oh, it's summer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ypbpn/its_been_a_few_weeks_since_the_last_school/
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Paddy is about to get married and asks his best friend Murphy how can he tell if is wife to be is a virgin. "Tis easy Paddy, all you need is a small tin of red paint, a small to of blue paint and a shovel"says Murphy "How the feck does that work Murphy"? asks Paddy

"Well" says Murphy, "You paint one ball red and the other ball blue, and when you climb into bed naked and she says..
"Paddy, they're the strangest balls I've ever seen", you smack her with the shovel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ypaws/paddy_is_about_to_get_married_and_asks_his_best/
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How does a vegan cow introduce itself in Spanish?

Soy milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yp84b/how_does_a_vegan_cow_introduce_itself_in_spanish/
%
When I was little I got lost at the fair. I got a policeman to help me look for my parents.

I asked him if we would find my parents. He said I don't know kid.... there's so many places they could hide.
Credit goes to Rodney Dangerfield.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yp776/when_i_was_little_i_got_lost_at_the_fair_i_got_a/
%
I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yp5z8/i_was_in_line_behind_this_guy_buying_condoms_and/
%
My friend who is a chef got fired for getting his dick stuck in the potato peeler.

She was fired to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yp345/my_friend_who_is_a_chef_got_fired_for_getting_his/
%
A boy walks up to a pirate

and curious about his missing leg, arm, and eye, asks about them.
"Why are your arm and leg missing?" the boy asks.
"Well, I was attacked by a gator while burying me treasure. Now I got me a wooden peg and hook for me hand"
"Then what happened to your eye?"
"Stupid seagull pooped in it."
"A bird pooping in your eye made it fall right out?" The boy asks, surprised.
"No, lad. That was the first day I had my hook!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yp2m1/a_boy_walks_up_to_a_pirate/
%
My wife tried to be sexy by biting her lips at me

I didn't have the heart to tell her that you're supposed to bite your *bottom*  lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yp25r/my_wife_tried_to_be_sexy_by_biting_her_lips_at_me/
%
What do cell phones and babies have in common?

If you lose one, they’ll be dead in less than a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8youbp/what_do_cell_phones_and_babies_have_in_common/
%
My proctologist started to write me a prescription with a thermometer..

When I pointed it out to him, he replied "damnit, some asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yoqxq/my_proctologist_started_to_write_me_a/
%
A man goes to the doctor for an annual checkup

When the doctor walks in he looks at the man’s chart and says “although it is awkward, I believe you are the right age for a prostate exam.”
The man sighs, bends over the table and drops his drawers.
“Now just to let you know this may cause an erection,” warns the doctor.
“I think I’ll be fine,” the man replied
“I wasn’t talking about you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yomv9/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_an_annual_checkup/
%
Sears does vasectomies now.

But every time I get an erection, my garage door opens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yomik/sears_does_vasectomies_now/
%
A guy walks into a bar one morning and orders seven shots of whiskey

“What are you celebrating?” The bartender asks
“ my first blowjob” the man replies
“Well, that is a cause for celebration. How about a shot of the good stuff on the house?”
“No thanks. If these seven doesn’t wash the taste away, nothing will”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yolhp/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_one_morning_and_orders/
%
Dads are like boomerangs

They only come back in movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yokd8/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 White Russians...

The bartender looks up at him and says "Hi, Donald."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yojbu/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_12_white/
%
My four favorite things

are chicken pot pie and omitting commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yoj9c/my_four_favorite_things/
%
Call me apathetic

I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yoirh/call_me_apathetic/
%
What do you call a black man on the moon?

Um, an astronaut?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yofav/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_on_the_moon/
%
After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

Who was that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yoel3/after_my_prostate_exam_the_doctor_left_the_nurse/
%
I've known a lot of Richards in my life...

They were all dicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yobd6/ive_known_a_lot_of_richards_in_my_life/
%
A friend calls his engineer friend

. What are you doing? He asks. The engineer answers "I'm in the middle of the project hydro thermal behavior of porcelain glass and metals under a controlled high-pressured environment". I am not sure I understand, can you explain it in plain language?. And the engineer answers "I’m washing the dishes and my wife is watching me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yo8of/a_friend_calls_his_engineer_friend/
%
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor

Your patients always leave a tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yo7z5/whats_the_best_part_about_being_a_circumcision/
%
Why can’t integers swim?

Because they can’t float

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yo4h6/why_cant_integers_swim/
%
What’s the worst jelly to put on your sandwich?

Traffic Jam
**My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yo380/whats_the_worst_jelly_to_put_on_your_sandwich/
%
A German tourist jumped into the freezing water to save my drowning dog...

After he climbed out of the water, he handed me my dog and said “here is ze dog. Keep him warm, and he vill be fine.”
I asked him “Are you a vet?”
He replied “Vet? I’m fucking soaking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yo2d9/a_german_tourist_jumped_into_the_freezing_water/
%
The Buddha walks up to a hot dog stand

and he says to the vendor, "Make me one with everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yo1k5/the_buddha_walks_up_to_a_hot_dog_stand/
%
Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yo04j/always_remember_that_children_can_drown_in_as/
%
Only anti-vaxxers will get this

Measles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ynxoj/only_antivaxxers_will_get_this/
%
A boy asked his bitcoin investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yntzd/a_boy_asked_his_bitcoin_investing_dad/
%
Why don’t black people go on cruises?

Because they’re not falling for that one again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ynml9/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
%
Did you hear about the cow who won an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ynjxy/did_you_hear_about_the_cow_who_won_an_award/
%
There is no I in team

But there is an EA so you can pay $2.99 for the teamwork upgrade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ynji5/there_is_no_i_in_team/
%
How many rich people does it take to create a superhero?

Three: two to die, and one to never get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yneys/how_many_rich_people_does_it_take_to_create_a/
%
How easy is it to kill someone with diabetes?

It’s a piece of cake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yncxh/how_easy_is_it_to_kill_someone_with_diabetes/
%
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

By walking.
J.K. Rowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yn7kh/how_does_harry_potter_get_down_a_hill/
%
Why can't Jesus play hockey?

He keeps getting nailed to the boards...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yn2g5/why_cant_jesus_play_hockey/
%
What do you call a rational Irishman who looks after his skin?

Dermot O'logical

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ymz7k/what_do_you_call_a_rational_irishman_who_looks/
%
Why did the Mexican take Xanax

For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ymxz6/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out....

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ymx86/a_blonde_wanting_to_earn_some_money_decided_to/
%
Trump: We should have less immigrants in America!

Pence: "Fewer".
Trump: I told you not to call me that yet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ymulk/trump_we_should_have_less_immigrants_in_america/
%
What did Yoda say to Anakin on his wedding day?

May divorce be with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ymtal/what_did_yoda_say_to_anakin_on_his_wedding_day/
%
Hey girl are you a Thai cave?

Cuz I want to put 12 kids in you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ymt4w/hey_girl_are_you_a_thai_cave/
%
I ran into my high school bully yesterday

Unfortunately he was wearing his seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ymr9r/i_ran_into_my_high_school_bully_yesterday/
%
What's brown and sticky?

My steering wheel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ymmva/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
Apparently I have Athlete's Foot...

shame the rest of my body is that of a fat fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ymmqe/apparently_i_have_athletes_foot/
%
I found out I was colorblind today

That came out of the red

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ymkbo/i_found_out_i_was_colorblind_today/
%
Dear god, please let me win the lottery

A man is broke and has lost all of his money due to medical bills. His wife is ready to take the kids and leave him. He is about to lose his house and all of his possessions. Out of desperation, he prays to god: "Dear Lord, please let me win the lottery, I'm about to lose my house!!!". The lottery comes and goes, and the man doesn't win, and the bank forecloses on his house.
So next week comes along and he prays to god again "Dear Lord, please, I need to win the lottery. I am homeless and if I don't win, my wife and kids are going to leave me!". Again, the lottery goes by and he doesn't win. His wife leaves and takes the kids with her.
Finally, the man, completely filled with despair, says to god "Dear god, this is it. I have lost my house, my family, everything! If I don't win the lottery this week then I am going to kill myself". Suddenly, a huge booming light flashes in the sky and the man hears a loud voice from the sky say "Okay buddy, you gotta help me out here and buy a freaking ticket!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ymjei/dear_god_please_let_me_win_the_lottery/
%
I got sent home from work after the HR manager told me to leave my problems at the door.

She wasn't happy when I asked her to step outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ymhwg/i_got_sent_home_from_work_after_the_hr_manager/
%
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps

But I am slowly getting over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ymbbh/i_have_an_irrational_fear_of_speed_bumps/
%
What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ym6kr/whats_the_difference_between_3_dicks_and_a_joke/
%
John and Jane were on their way home from school when they heard some kids using some swear words, “hell” and “damn”.

They decided to see what would happen if they used them at home, and the next morning, they acted on their plan.
As they sat down at the table, their mother asked Jane what she would like for breakfast.
“How about some of them damn Cheerios?”
Appalled, her mother smacked her across the face. Hands on her hips, she turned to John.
“And you, young man? What would you like for breakfast?”
Lip quivering, John replied, “I don’t know, but it sure as hell won’t be any of those damn Cheerios!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ym3qb/john_and_jane_were_on_their_way_home_from_school/
%
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe."

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".
"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano."
"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"
"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...
"Where's that bloody pianist?"
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:
"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".
"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ym2ln/this_bloke_walks_into_the_poshest_restaurant_in/
%
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey.
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.
"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ym2cf/as_a_couple_gets_into_bed_the_husband_starts_to/
%
Why did math commit suicide?

Because it had too many problems

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ym1bx/why_did_math_commit_suicide/
%
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylugt/the_day_the_penis_asked_for_a_raise/
%
My son asked what marriage was like.

I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylqa3/my_son_asked_what_marriage_was_like/
%
A Computer Programmer finds a frog by the side of the road...

The frog says, "I am actually a Princess! If you kiss me, I'll revert back to my human form and be forever grateful?", the programmer smiles and puts the frog back in his pocket.
Again, the frog says, "But I really am! I would even marry you if you kiss me and turn me back into a human!", the programmer chuckles and puts the frog away again.
Ten minutes later, the frog says, "Look, if you kiss me, I'll have sex with you all day, every day. Deal?", the programmer laughs and puts the frog away again.
He gets home, takes the now severely depressed frog out of his pocket and sets it down in an aquarium. The frog looks up at the coder and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you man? I offered to marry you, I offered to screw you, but STILL you won't turn me back into my human form."
The programmer says, "I'm a programmer. I don't have time for relationships, or sex - but a talking frog? SO COOL!"
(Sorry if you've already heard it. I'm a programmer, I don't have time to check to see if it's a repost.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylptx/a_computer_programmer_finds_a_frog_by_the_side_of/
%
Why can't a dyslexic be a witch?

You need to be good at spelling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylp26/why_cant_a_dyslexic_be_a_witch/
%
A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied: "He went that way."
After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."
The nun said: "I understand completely."
The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yloh2/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
%
When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.

2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylmq2/when_i_die_i_want_my_friends_to_do_two_things_1/
%
Wanna see my impression of a German Shepherd?

"*ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG!* YOU SHEEPS *VILL* GO INTO ZE PASTURE, UND YOU *VILL* HAVE A GOOD TIME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylliy/wanna_see_my_impression_of_a_german_shepherd/
%
I scream, you scream

Because one of us doesn't have a hearing aide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylkev/i_scream_you_scream/
%
Stop signs are red, traffic lights are green,

I ride a bicycle, and have no idea what that means.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylidj/stop_signs_are_red_traffic_lights_are_green/
%
I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.

The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylgxi/i_told_my_doctor_that_i_was_unable_to_do_all_the/
%
My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylfq8/my_wife_warned_me_not_to_steal_the_kitchen/
%
Cats don't need smart phones to solve their problems, they just sleep until the problem solves itself.

Cats: There's a nap for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylejs/cats_dont_need_smart_phones_to_solve_their/
%
I was feeling very lonely the other day so I bought some stocks.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yld25/i_was_feeling_very_lonely_the_other_day_so_i/
%
A man visits an enchanted wishing well,

deep inside a forest. This well, unlike most wishing wells, had a peculiar quality: as well as granting wishes, it could talk. That made it, in some sense, alive.
So the man knelt in front of the well, and spake his wish: "Please, enchanted well. Grant me the wish of death upon the man who betrayed me and took my wife".
The well acknowledged the wish, and then said "I do want to know, if I may.. why did you come to me? The journey is treacherous, and many other wells sit on this land that could have granted your wish."
The man, with resolute conviction, replied:
"Living well is the best revenge".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylacn/a_man_visits_an_enchanted_wishing_well/
%
I need a medical marijuana card for my joint pain!

They're always burning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yl9vz/i_need_a_medical_marijuana_card_for_my_joint_pain/
%
How many grammar nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?

Too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yl6ai/how_many_grammar_nazis_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A guy walks into a doctors office and says

'You've gotta help me doc. I snore so loudly that I keep waking myself up, what can I do?'
'Oh that's easy' replies the doctor, 'just sleep in another room'
... Courtesy of my 6 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yl3ay/a_guy_walks_into_a_doctors_office_and_says/
%
PSA: I'm starting a minimalist orchestra!

It's just like a regular orchestra but without the bells and whistles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yl389/psa_im_starting_a_minimalist_orchestra/
%
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but the hard part is getting into the lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yl26b/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
A kid goes up to his father and asks for a bicycle.

His dad says, "If you can spell it out correctly, I'll get you one."
The kid thinks for a bit, then says, "Can I get a car instead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yl09m/a_kid_goes_up_to_his_father_and_asks_for_a_bicycle/
%
A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.

Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yky5q/a_sergeant_was_addressing_a_squad_of_25_and_said/
%
What do you call an assault by a Pacific Islander?

Hawaiian Punch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yky2n/what_do_you_call_an_assault_by_a_pacific_islander/
%
19 and 20 had a fight

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ykxga/19_and_20_had_a_fight/
%
A Penis Study(borderline NSFW)

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ykw58/a_penis_studyborderline_nsfw/
%
A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ykvv3/a_man_tells_his_wife_youve_been_watching_the_food/
%
I often tell myself

"You're lucky the cloning machine worked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ykl0g/i_often_tell_myself/
%
How much tax does Bruce Willis pay on a dollar?

Six cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yki6y/how_much_tax_does_bruce_willis_pay_on_a_dollar/
%
How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?

A couple calves, an ass, ten little piggies, a beaver, a shit load of hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ykd42/how_many_animals_can_you_fit_in_a_pair_of/
%
Balloon prices have gone up.

Damn inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yk6jr/balloon_prices_have_gone_up/
%
Have you met the burka boxer?

Apparently hijabs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yk4pg/have_you_met_the_burka_boxer/
%
Some people are suggesting that Bill Cosby should have his honourary doctorate taken away.

But the man successfully anesthetized over 50 women, countless times.  If anything he has done more to earn the title ”doctor" than ever before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yk165/some_people_are_suggesting_that_bill_cosby_should/
%
A blonde is in a car accident.

“I think I have a concussion,” she tells the paramedic.
The paramedic says, “OK, let’s check you out. How many fingers do I have up?”
The blonde replied, “OMG, my ass is paralyzed too?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yjz62/a_blonde_is_in_a_car_accident/
%
[Long] a frog walks into a bank

the frog walks up to the teller and sees her name tag witch says patricia wack and the frog says "my name is kermit jagger, son of mick jagger, i need a loan to go on a holiday, how about $30,00?" and the teller says "woah, thats alot of money, do you have any collaterals we can keep if you don't pay us back?" and the frog says "sure" and pulls out a small pink porcelain elephant and asks "will this do" so the teller says "let me go ask my manager" so ghe goes to her boss and shows him the little elephant and says "a frog wants a loan with this as the collateral, i mean, what even is this" and the boss says "it's a nick-nack patty wack give that frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yjq1w/long_a_frog_walks_into_a_bank/
%
I have a great deal of very tight boxer briefs.

I buy them in XS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yjpek/i_have_a_great_deal_of_very_tight_boxer_briefs/
%
I was walking with my wife and we came across her mother being beaten up by six guys.

My wife said aren't you going to help?
I said nah, six should be enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yjnsd/i_was_walking_with_my_wife_and_we_came_across_her/
%
What do you call an illegal fish?

CODtraband!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yjm5a/what_do_you_call_an_illegal_fish/
%
Dads are like boomerangs

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yjlym/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
What do you call a fat psychic

A four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yjlqd/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yjiyo/whats_the_difference_between_a_tuna_a_piano_and/
%
What's the difference between tax and fine?

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yjhdn/whats_the_difference_between_tax_and_fine/
%
If I had a dime for every time I've had sex

I'd be the worst prostitute ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yje6p/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_ive_had_sex/
%
A man goes to the doctor for a checkup...

After the checkup the man then proceeds to go home. A couple days pass when the man looks at his phone to see the doctor calling. "hello." the man says as he picks up the phone. The doctor greets him back and proceeds to say to the man "Well I have some good news and bad news for you." The man beginning to become worried ask for the good news first. The doctor says "well you have two days left to live" The man outraged at the doctor says "what the HELL doctor, how is that good news, isnt that  supposed to be bad news." The doctor with a troubling sound in his voice says "No, the bad news is I've been trying to call you since yesterday".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yjaoy/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_checkup/
%
A boy asked his father

"Dad how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I wouldn't know son, I am still not done paying for it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yj8b5/a_boy_asked_his_father/
%
Doctor knows best.

Doctor : you have been diagnosed with obesity
Me : I know it runs in the family
Doctor : nobody runs in your family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yj71c/doctor_knows_best/
%
I can descirbe myself in just two words.

Lazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yj6v8/i_can_descirbe_myself_in_just_two_words/
%
What do you call a man with a shovel?

Doug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yj56p/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_shovel/
%
My wife got a kitkat the other day and I stole a finger. Today she grabbed one of mine..

I guess it was Kit for Kat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yj0x2/my_wife_got_a_kitkat_the_other_day_and_i_stole_a/
%
I’m adopted, and I’m glad that my parents were honest enough to tell me.

But why every half hour?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yixob/im_adopted_and_im_glad_that_my_parents_were/
%
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yitbk/a_young_guy_from_north_dakota_moves_to_florida/
%
When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend...

Then I saw the next two letters...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yirbv/when_i_noticed_hi_in_the_alphabet_i_thought/
%
My brother ran away from home to study mime.

We never heard from him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yig38/my_brother_ran_away_from_home_to_study_mime/
%
As an armchair pundit, I can't help thinking the Thai team would have escaped sooner

If they'd made better use of their subs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yidgd/as_an_armchair_pundit_i_cant_help_thinking_the/
%
I told my best mate we were just like brothers.

“Yeah” he said. “Because we both destroyed your mum’s cunt”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yi9vo/i_told_my_best_mate_we_were_just_like_brothers/
%
If communism would adapt English, they would adapt to British English.

ColOURs, FlavOURs, FavOURite and humOUR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yi5eu/if_communism_would_adapt_english_they_would_adapt/
%
My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing...

"And they're off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yi1rk/my_wife_and_daughter_are_leaving_me_because_of_my/
%
A Chinese man, who was less than proficient in the English language files for divorce. The judge asks what is the reason?

He replies " me no come, she no come, but baby come, how come?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yhz8y/a_chinese_man_who_was_less_than_proficient_in_the/
%
Did you hear about the man who was afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yhxoc/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_was_afraid_of/
%
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but I had to break up with her.

She was seeing somebody on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yhxas/i_used_to_date_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye_but_i_had/
%
When I heard the news that 12 Thai schoolboys had been rescued from underground...

I had to run home and make sure my basement was still padlocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yhov8/when_i_heard_the_news_that_12_thai_schoolboys_had/
%
Dad on Deathbed

[Deathbed]
Dad: Don't put me in the wrong burial plot
Son: Dad stop it, I'm never turning this life support off!
Dad: because that would be...a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
(credit: @arfmeasures )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yho3b/dad_on_deathbed/
%
I was told to start at the bottom and make my way to the top.

This "How To Use A Ladder" DVD likes to state the obvious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yhmst/i_was_told_to_start_at_the_bottom_and_make_my_way/
%
I’m finally starting to overcome my ADHD. Today I went on a 10 minute run, and then I spent 5 minutes on cleaning the kitchen.

And then I spent 45 minutes typing out 2 sentences to post to Reddit for karma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yhjui/im_finally_starting_to_overcome_my_adhd_today_i/
%
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

Give a redditor a joke and he’ll repost it for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yhc19/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
%
A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.

"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.
"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yh8nq/a_man_comes_home_to_find_his_wife_of_10_years/
%
Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.
I’m scared.
I think I’m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yh7gd/ever_since_i_was_a_child_ive_always_had_a_fear_of/
%
Why do chemistry students learn about ammonia first?

It's pretty basic stuff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yh415/why_do_chemistry_students_learn_about_ammonia/
%
Three cavemen are on the hunt...

when one of them absent-mindedly wanders over the edge of a cliff, falling to a hideous death on the jagged rocks below.
The other two Cavemen peer over the edge in puzzlement.
The first caveman, Atuk, grunts, "What happen to him?"
The second caveman, Krunk, scratches his head as he attempts to connect the dots. After a moment, he too grunts.
"Krunk have theory."
Atuk strokes his gigantic chin thoughtfully. "Hmm. Tell Atuk this theory."
Krunk elaborates-  "Mmm... Krunk think earth spin at high velocity, creating center of gravity at planet's core, thus drawing objects toward ground. This why Randy fall off cliff and die."
Atuk thinks about this for a moment. "Hmm... This interesting idea, but is untested, thus is hypothesis, not theory."
There is a moment of awkward silence, when out of nowhere, Krunk clubs Atuk in the back, knocking him off of the ledge to share Randy's grisly fate. He peers down at their corpses, broken and bloodied and impaled, and grunts once more:
"Hmm. Now it theory, bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yh26x/three_cavemen_are_on_the_hunt/
%
What sound does a drowning math teacher make?

log log log log log log log log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yh0na/what_sound_does_a_drowning_math_teacher_make/
%
Have you watched the Constipation movie?

It hasn't come out yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yh008/have_you_watched_the_constipation_movie/
%
A man tells his blonde girlfriend that his scalp is itchy.

Worried, she calls her mother and asks what to do. She replies calmly, “Just give him some Head & Shoulders.” She agrees, but calls back about 30 minutes later, “Umm... how do you give someone shoulders?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygzyx/a_man_tells_his_blonde_girlfriend_that_his_scalp/
%
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled to dozens of countries and learned to speak several languages?

He was a man of many cultures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygzy5/did_you_hear_about_the_famous_microbiologist_who/
%
Two condoms are walking down the street.

They walk past a gay bar on their right hand side. The first condom turns to the second condom and says "Hey, want to get shit faced"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygz6c/two_condoms_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.
"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.
"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygy76/a_guy_sits_down_on_a_bench_next_to_a_thai_kid/
%
Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygxmm/why_does_the_military_stockpile_hydrochloric_acid/
%
How often can you tell a chemistry joke?

Periodically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygx4j/how_often_can_you_tell_a_chemistry_joke/
%
I dialed a wrong number

It told me: "I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate by 90 degrees and try again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygwmd/i_dialed_a_wrong_number/
%
How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygvmu/how_many_theoretical_physicists_specializing_in/
%
What is Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?

Barackolli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygv1g/what_is_michelle_obamas_favorite_vegetable/
%
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygu53/a_blonde_was_on_vacation_in_the_depths_of/
%
Why do elephants wear red sneakers?

To hide in cherry trees.
You don't get it?
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
No? See it works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygprj/why_do_elephants_wear_red_sneakers/
%
Why was the tomato red?

It saw the salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygpei/why_was_the_tomato_red/
%
A guy was going abroad for his job

He didn't want his lady love to feel sexually left out when he wasn't present  and make love with other men.
So he gifted her the magic dildo.
The magic dildo had remarkable capabilities. All you had to do was say "Magic dildo" followed by where you wanted it to insert itself and it would almost as if come out of nowhere and give you the best climax you've ever had.
Months went by and the wife was using it by saying "Magic dildo, my pussy","Magic dildo, my mouth"
Until one day she never very kinky
She wanted to feel the pleasure while going to work so when she started the car, she appointed the dildo to do its job.
But when she hit climax she couldn't control herself and pressed the accelerator with force all of a sudden.
Naturally she hit a car and the cops came. A cop pulled her over and interrogated her.
Upon questioning the reason for this, she described the whole magic dildo story
Of course the police didn't believe it and said, "Magic dildo? My ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yglou/a_guy_was_going_abroad_for_his_job/
%
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first American turns to the second and says,
“Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygfvb/a_swiss_man_looking_for_directions_pulls_up_at_a/
%
Redditors hate him....

Because of this one simple trick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygewz/redditors_hate_him/
%
I don't think that balloons can be inflated.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygeq0/i_dont_think_that_balloons_can_be_inflated/
%
My 3 Favorite Things

My 3 favorite things are the Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygdrl/my_3_favorite_things/
%
Yo momma so old....

She remembers when yo momma jokes were a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygdhk/yo_momma_so_old/
%
I wish the furniture store would stop calling me.

I just wanted the one night stand :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ygdh5/i_wish_the_furniture_store_would_stop_calling_me/
%
Heaven and Hell

HEAVEN is where:
The police are British
The chefs Italian
The mechanics are German
The lovers are French
and it's all organised by the Swiss.
HELL is where:
The police are German
The chefs are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
and it's all organised by the Italians!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yg9oe/heaven_and_hell/
%
We took the kids to the playground earlier.

We met another couple and their kids.  They seemed real normal, you know?  So we asked if they wanted to walk over to the slides and the see-saw.
But then the husband told us, they’re swingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yg5eb/we_took_the_kids_to_the_playground_earlier/
%
NSFW Why shouldn’t you have sex with a Japanese woman?

Your dick will get blurry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yg26x/nsfw_why_shouldnt_you_have_sex_with_a_japanese/
%
My friend Steve was looking to rent a house.

Steve's wealthy, so he had two realtors competing to lease him their latest properties. The first realtor opened his pitch bragging about the laundry list of folks who had rented property from him.
"I've rented out properties to Buddha himself, to four Norse gods, even Christ and a few of his disciples! This other guy's only ever had two clients!"
Steve looks over at the other realtor and asks, "Is this true?"
"It certainly is," realtor #2 calmly replies, "I leased out a house to Satan, and one to Cthulhu."
Steve immediately chooses realtor #2, and we leave after they settle on some outrageous lease terms.
I asked Steve why he made his decision so quickly. His response?
"When given the choice, always choose the lessor of two evils."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yg20h/my_friend_steve_was_looking_to_rent_a_house/
%
A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Wow in all my years I've never seen a weasel walk into my bar! What can I get you?"
"Pop" goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yfz7r/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
%
One Hot Night

A young man and his hot date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a whore and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yfvdf/one_hot_night/
%
My friend told me that there is no other job site than monster.com now a days..

I said INDEED

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yfqn7/my_friend_told_me_that_there_is_no_other_job_site/
%
What does a bible and penis have in common?

Both get forced down your throat by a pastor at the age of 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yfnq2/what_does_a_bible_and_penis_have_in_common/
%
A man moves out to the middle of nowhere.

He has no neighbors in sight for atleast 5 miles. About a week later he gets a knock on the door.
He answers the door and the man says, “Howdy, I’m your neighbor about 5 miles south, I just wanted to welcome to the neighborhood and invite you to my party tomorrow.”
He says “Well thank you that sounds like a great time, I didn’t think anyone lived around here.”
“Oh there’s a few. But I have to warn you, there might be quite a bit of drinking.”
“That’s alright, I’ve put down a few in my time.” He says.
“Well, I have to say there might be a bit of fighting too.”
That’s no problem, I’ve had my fair share of scuffles I’ll still stop by.
“Well, last warning. There may be a fair bit of sex too!”
I’ve been living here alone for awhile, I’ll be there! But I got to ask this sounds kind of crazy, how many people are going to be there?
The neighbor leans in real close and looks him in the eye, “Just you and me baby.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yffrl/a_man_moves_out_to_the_middle_of_nowhere/
%
People dating are like Bluetooth devices

They're supposed to pair up and connect but it hardly ever works

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yf8co/people_dating_are_like_bluetooth_devices/
%
A woman visited a sex shop...

The clerk said to her, "I have something incredible for you...a magic dildo!"
"A magic dildo?" asked the woman. "How does it work?"
"All you have to do is say ''magic dildo" followed by where you want it to go, and it will magically go there and start doing its job."
The woman was hesitant but curious so she decided to give it a try. She was so excited to try it out that she didn't even wait to get home. As soon as she got back in her car she removed her new toy from its bag and  shouted ''Magic Dildo, My Vagina"! To her surprise the dildo flew straight to her Vagina and began thrusting itself in and out very quickly and with great force. She decides she needs to drive straight home so she can fully enjoy her new purchase. As she is driving she realizes that the clerk didn't tell her how to make the magic dildo stop performing, and that she has been driving erratically. Sure enough she sees flashing blue police lights behind her and somehow manages to pull the car over, all while moaning and shaking in ecstasy.
The officer approaches her car and can't believe what he sees. "What is wrong with you?" he shouts.
"I bought a magic dildo and I don't know how to stop it!" cried the woman.
The officer rolled his eyes and annoyingly uttered: "magic dildo, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yf5ll/a_woman_visited_a_sex_shop/
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yf25r/i_cleaned_the_attic_with_the_wife_the_other_day/
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Helicopter ride . . .

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
One year, Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter today, I might never get another chance.” To this, Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yf0t1/helicopter_ride/
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I have three kids named Ctrl, Alt, and Del.

When they mess up, I hit them all at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yezq3/i_have_three_kids_named_ctrl_alt_and_del/
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Did you hear about the Large Hadron Collider going down?

They are gonna have to bring in a quantum mechanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yexdp/did_you_hear_about_the_large_hadron_collider/
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She blew me a kiss from across a crowded room.

I caught it and punched myself in the dick with it,  to let her know I like it rough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yevlz/she_blew_me_a_kiss_from_across_a_crowded_room/
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What's the best way to identify a dogwood tree?

By its bark
P.S. Sorry if this is a repost, but I haven't seen it here recently and I just heard it today from my botany professor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yeuy4/whats_the_best_way_to_identify_a_dogwood_tree/
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Some people say they should stop making pennies.

If you ask me, that doesn't make any cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yeq3o/some_people_say_they_should_stop_making_pennies/
%
Two flies were sitting on the toilet.

One got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yeomi/two_flies_were_sitting_on_the_toilet/
%
What's green and doesn't weigh much?

Light green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yen03/whats_green_and_doesnt_weigh_much/
%
I've never been married.

But I've had a few near Mrs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yem9o/ive_never_been_married/
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Friend: My advice for your date —-Girls like it when they think you’re well travelled.

Me, later at the date: I took 5 different buses to get here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yehrb/friend_my_advice_for_your_date_girls_like_it_when/
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What's the difference between praying at church, or the casino?

When you pray at the casino you mean it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yegts/whats_the_difference_between_praying_at_church_or/
%
Can February March?

No, but April May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yegrd/can_february_march/
%
Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or;
Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yeg0z/article_on_the_future_of_la_rapper_post_malone/
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Miraculously, Martha survived a fall from a window of a 45-story building.

She sprained her foot, but otherwise she was okay. It helped that the particular window she fell from was on the first floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yedx0/miraculously_martha_survived_a_fall_from_a_window/
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What is pink, hard when it goes in, soft when it comes out, dry when it goes in, and wet when it comes out?

Bubble gum. Got this joke from a high school science teacher, one of the weird ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yeds9/what_is_pink_hard_when_it_goes_in_soft_when_it/
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Honey, I really don't think you're fat ...

pull up two chairs and let's talk about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yebaq/honey_i_really_dont_think_youre_fat/
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My girlfriend recently got breast reduction surgery

She looks flat out ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ye79r/my_girlfriend_recently_got_breast_reduction/
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What do you call a pile of cats

A meowtain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ye56m/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_cats/
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Two Irishmen have a bright idea...

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy,
"I'm gonna get the day off. I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!"
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: "Paddy, go home. You've gone mad."
So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.
"Where do you think you're going?" asks the foreman.
"Well, I can't work in the friggin dark!" said Murphy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ye51a/two_irishmen_have_a_bright_idea/
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What’s yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ye4pk/whats_yellow_and_cant_swim/
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What do you call an average looking ogre?

Mediogre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ye3ec/what_do_you_call_an_average_looking_ogre/
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How do you tell an ant’s gender?

Put it in water. If it sinks it’s a girl and if it floats it’s a buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ye307/how_do_you_tell_an_ants_gender/
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Two neighbors are talking to each other.

Suddenly the one of them asks: 'Bob, please tell me honestly, have you ever had sex with my wife?' The other one answers in shock: 'Mike! No! I would never do such a thing! Please believe me! Never!' And Mike answers: 'You really should. She's way better in bed then your's.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ye2ty/two_neighbors_are_talking_to_each_other/
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What do sea monsters eat?

Fish & Ships.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ye1vk/what_do_sea_monsters_eat/
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I Punch Women Like I Punch Walls

I don't. Because it's a really bad idea... I always end up injured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ye0da/i_punch_women_like_i_punch_walls/
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The Golfing Nun

A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh, heavy with frustration."What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family. "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. "
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ. "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So your day of recreation was not relaxing? "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother.
A 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life.
The sweetest swing I ever made....it was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hit a bird in mid-flight, not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of myself!"
While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched in the squirrel's paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "....as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right on the green.
The ball popped out of the squirrel's paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup! "Mother Superior sat abruptly back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ye08r/the_golfing_nun/
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What did Buzz say to Woody?

A lot, I mean there were three movies and a couple short films in that franchise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ye00n/what_did_buzz_say_to_woody/
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"Aliens vs Predator" is a good title for a movie...

... about the current situation of USA Immigration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ydyof/aliens_vs_predator_is_a_good_title_for_a_movie/
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How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?

If it came from anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ydyhe/how_can_we_tell_that_the_toothbrush_was_invented/
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To whoever stole my Microsoft office, I will find you...

...you have my word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ydxqc/to_whoever_stole_my_microsoft_office_i_will_find/
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What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

A Cactus has the pricks on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ydveb/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_cactus/
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A woman divorced her husband after he emptied a bowl of trifle over her head.

She got custardy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ydoup/a_woman_divorced_her_husband_after_he_emptied_a/
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We?

Husband comes out a very complicated surgery and tells his wife:  Honey, the doctor said we can't have sex for about 3 months.
The wife replies: What do you mean 'we'? YOU cant have sex for 3 months...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ydnrb/we/
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musician joke

A band is playing a gig. These are the inner thoughts of the individual members.
Guitarrist: "Man I'm way to quiet. Sound guy fucked up, no one can here me"
Drummer: "Damn that gal in the first row, gonna talk to her after the show"
Keyboarder: "That keyboard is fine, but I wish I could play on a grand piano on the next gig".
Bassist: "AAAAAAAA FFFFFFFF CCCCCCCC GGGGGGGG"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ydlb9/musician_joke/
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Why was Donkey Kongs corpse smelling?

It was beginning to DK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ydakm/why_was_donkey_kongs_corpse_smelling/
%
At last, someone has written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yd4bu/at_last_someone_has_written_a_book_about_herb/
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What does a Dr. Who fan say when he has dry skin?

EXFOLIATE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yd1dh/what_does_a_dr_who_fan_say_when_he_has_dry_skin/
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At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ycxm5/at_last_someones_written_a_book_about_herb_erotica/
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Jesus must have been a real shitty carpenter

He couldn't pull out a nail to save his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ycwbc/jesus_must_have_been_a_real_shitty_carpenter/
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Gave my girlfriend a surprise bukake party for her birthday.

It was a complete disaster. No one came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ycqld/gave_my_girlfriend_a_surprise_bukake_party_for/
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3 syllable words

The teacher instructs her third-grade class to give a three-syllable word and use it in a sentence
Several pupils raise their hands, including Dirty Johnny
The teacher passes right over him and chooses Sally.
"Beautiful", says Sally. "My teacher is beautiful."
"Why, thank you" the teacher says. "Anyone else?"
Again, several hands, including Dirty Johnny's, are waving. The teacher chooses Mary.
"Wonderful", says Mary. "My teacher is wonderful."
Again the teacher thanks her student and asks for another answer.
Reluctantly, she chooses Johnny.
"Urinate" says Johnny.
"Johnny" the teacher cries in shock.
"Urinate" says Johnny again, "but if your tits were bigger, you'd be a ten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ycprd/3_syllable_words/
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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.
Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ycomv/airman_jones_was_assigned_to_the_induction_center/
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A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.

She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ycke9/a_woman_is_at_home_when_she_hears_someone/
%
A man says to a doctor I’m scared off back stories

Doctor: tell me how this happened
Man: well it all started back when OHHHH NOOOOOO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ycjqp/a_man_says_to_a_doctor_im_scared_off_back_stories/
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My wife asked me the other day if I knew the song ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ycj3r/my_wife_asked_me_the_other_day_if_i_knew_the_song/
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A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"
The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ychgj/a_republican_walks_into_a_college_bookstore_and/
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Why do Irish priests get called father?

Cause calling them daddy sounds a bit suspicious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ycd67/why_do_irish_priests_get_called_father/
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If you have a problem eating coins, perhaps you should consult a life coach...

It'll inspire change within yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ycbjb/if_you_have_a_problem_eating_coins_perhaps_you/
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Two southern wives were sitting on their porch sipping brandy.

One woman says to the other ‘my husband bought me this beautiful ring’ as she flashed a diamond ring.
The other replied in a breathy voice ‘ain’t that niiceee’.
The first woman added ‘he also bought me this lovely dress I’m wearing today’.
The other replied in the same breathy voice ‘Ain’t that niiceee’.
Then her friend said ‘and let’s not forget all this beautiful land he bought me when we got married.’
The other replied in that airy voice ‘Ain’t that niiceee’.
Then she asked ‘I say, what has your husband done for you lately?’
The other woman said ‘my husband sent me to advanced etiquette school for women’.
The woman gasped and said ‘my my, what did you learn there?’
‘We learned instead of saying *go fuck yourself*, we say *ain’t that niiiceee*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yc6y8/two_southern_wives_were_sitting_on_their_porch/
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How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. We are efficient and not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yc15q/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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So these two cows are sitting on top of the hill.....

One cow says to the other cow.. did you hear about this mad cow disease? The other cow says what the hell do I care I'm a helicopter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ybz1s/so_these_two_cows_are_sitting_on_top_of_the_hill/
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Death in the holy land.

A irishman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here.
The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money."
The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ybyok/death_in_the_holy_land/
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Why is it hard to have Opera singers as friends?

...it's aways about "mi mi mi".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ybyla/why_is_it_hard_to_have_opera_singers_as_friends/
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[NSFW] [Long] Two men go camping..

Two businessmen, Jim and Frank, decide to go camping for their vacation one, rough it out like their fathers used to do. They're a few days in to their vacation and they're about fed up with one another's company. So they decide the best course of action is they'll take the remaining days, head out their separate ways, camp in separate locations, and they'll meet on the final night to share their experiences.
They do exactly that and what a wonder it did. On the final night, they gathered, both upbeat and cheerful, excited and eager to share their respective stories. They agree the best way to settle who goes first, is to flip a coin. Frank called heads as the coin reached the air, however it landed tails, and so Jim won, and would go first.
Jim began to speak, "Frank, you won't believe the sights I saw. About 4 or 5 miles North from here is a beautiful lake, surrounded by the trees, offering the most extravagant view of the mountains. It was truly serene and peaceful. I felt as if I was one with nature, with God. I camped out of my tent every night to watch the stars, and every morning I was awakened by the beautiful songs of birds. We must do this again next year so I can show you!"
Frank was excited to hear this, nodding in agreement, "Yes, absolutely. But I must say, I feel my experience was better."
Jim laughed, "Impossible!"
"No, it's true," replied Frank. "I went about a mile South from here and while I found no serenity, I did happen upon a set of rail road tracks. Tied to these, was a woman whose beauty I had never before seen. I hastily untied her, rescuing her from the tracks, and I made love to her in every way you could possibly imagine! I only wish you had come with me, you could have had a turn as well!"
Jim's jaw dropped, he was astounded to hear that he had missed a chance to score. Regaining his composure, Jim asked, "Every way imaginable?" Frank nodded. "Then," began Jim, "How well could she suck dick?"
Frank merely offered a shrug and said, "I don't know. I couldn't find her head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yby8p/nsfw_long_two_men_go_camping/
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I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.

When it becomes available, please refrain from purchasing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ybuvu/im_writing_a_book_on_reverse_psychology/
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3 guys having lunch on a high rise construction site.

As they open their lunchboxes
1st guy says. Bologna sandwich again! If my wife packs me another bologna sandwich tomorrow I'm jumping off this high rise and killing myself.
2nd guy opens his lunch up. Ham and cheese again! If my wife packs me this lunch again I'll jump with ya!
3rd guy opens his lunch up. The local idiot... Awe man.. Peanut butter and jelly again! If I have peanut butter and jelly again I'll join both you guys and jump too!
Next day comes. They open up their lunches and sure enough all 3 have the same thing. All 3 jump to their deaths.
All 3 wives are now at the funeral together. Talking about how their husbands said they would do it if they kept packing the same lunches. But the 3rd wife is in denial and just doesn't understand.
The 1st and 2nd wife console her. Telling her it's ok. It's not your fault. They decided their fate etc. When the 3rd wife says..., No! You guys don't understand. He packs his own lunch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ybpuv/3_guys_having_lunch_on_a_high_rise_construction/
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Jokes on this sub are like presidents

Old and only here to get votes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yboyf/jokes_on_this_sub_are_like_presidents/
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My dad and I used to play checkers when I was a kid. Usually, he'd beat me

But I'd win at checkers so we're even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yblbr/my_dad_and_i_used_to_play_checkers_when_i_was_a/
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What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ybjod/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snow/
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When is it bedtime at Michael Jacksons house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ybioc/when_is_it_bedtime_at_michael_jacksons_house/
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If BJ is Bad Joke then what is B+iJ?

Complex Bad Joke.
And if you didn't find it funny, that's because the Joke part was imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ybhy1/if_bj_is_bad_joke_then_what_is_bij/
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An old man tells his doctor that his wife never has an orgasm while they are having sex.

The doctor suggests that perhaps she is overheating.  So when the man gets home he asks his young and good-looking gardener to assist by waving a towel to cool off his wife while they are having sex.  The gardener is reluctant but agrees.  While the couple is having sex, the gardener frantically waves the towel to cool off the woman, but she does not have an orgasm.  The old man suggests that he and the gardener switch places.  Again the gardener is reluctant, but agrees, and makes wild love to the woman.  The woman reaches a screaming climax like none she has ever had in her entire life.    The old man turns to the gardener and says, "And THAT, young man, is how you wave a towel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ybh77/an_old_man_tells_his_doctor_that_his_wife_never/
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What do you call a Croatian on a broomstick?

Quiddić

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ybak8/what_do_you_call_a_croatian_on_a_broomstick/
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Little Johnny's teacher is warned...

at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Ok, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yb9uw/little_johnnys_teacher_is_warned/
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What’s the difference between a hipster and a necrophile?

Hipsters won’t get into anything once it’s cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yb9ty/whats_the_difference_between_a_hipster_and_a/
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I asked the voice in my head, "Do you think we're schizophrenic?"

It said, "Really? Come on, man. What are the chances we're *both* schizophrenic?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yb9jb/i_asked_the_voice_in_my_head_do_you_think_were/
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My brother fucked a car's tail pipe last night

It was exhausting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yb8bb/my_brother_fucked_a_cars_tail_pipe_last_night/
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A genie grants 3 people a wish at a swimming pool

3 guys are having fun at a swimming pool. Suddenly a genie appears.
Genie: I will grant every one of you a wish. Just go on the diving board, say what you wish for, jump and you will land in the swimming pool full of what you wish for
The first guy goes on the diving board, says "Chocolate", jumps and lands in in the swimming pool now full of choclate. The man smiles, thanks the genie, eats some choclate and takes the rest with him as he leaves.
The second guy goes on the diving board and says "bananas", jumps and lands in the swimming pool now full of bananas. The man smiles, thanks the genie, takes a banana eats it, throws the peel away, takes the rest of the bananas with him and leaves.
The last guy thinks long about what he will wish for. Then finally he goes onto the diving board, is about to say what he wishes for but before he can he slips on the banana peel that the previous guy threw away. He loses his balance, realizes he will fall into the pool and says "Shit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yb6ig/a_genie_grants_3_people_a_wish_at_a_swimming_pool/
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What do you call an emo making a ginger bread house?

A cookie cutter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yb0go/what_do_you_call_an_emo_making_a_ginger_bread/
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[NSFW] Dick is such a gentleman

He's always standing up when an attractive woman enters the room, just so she has a place to sit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yax37/nsfw_dick_is_such_a_gentleman/
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If you're at the Apple Store when it gets robbed...

You're an iWitness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yavwm/if_youre_at_the_apple_store_when_it_gets_robbed/
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[NSFW] Disney Divorce Court

Mickey and Minnie are sitting in divorce court one day. The Judge, after reading through the papers, looks to Mickey. "You claim you're wanting to divorce your wife cause she's crazy?" He asked with skepticism.
"No," said Mickey, "I want a divorce cause she's fucking Goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yatkh/nsfw_disney_divorce_court/
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I drove past a billboard promoting Niagara Falls as the tallest waterfall in the world...

Turns out it was falls advertising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yasle/i_drove_past_a_billboard_promoting_niagara_falls/
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Quarters and nickels fall from the sky...

Me: what is this?
Climate: change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yas96/quarters_and_nickels_fall_from_the_sky/
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A Scottish man goes to his first baseball game...

The Scotsman sits down to enjoy the game and the first pitch is hit and the crowd jumps to their feet and cheers!
The man next to the Scotsman yells "RUN YOU BASTARD RUN!"
so the Scotsman echoes "RUN YOU BASTARD RUN!"
The next batter again makes contact with the pitch.
The man and the Scotsman both jump up and scream "RUN YOU BASTARD RUN!"
The third batter gets up, 4 wild pitches in a row sail wide and he starts walking to first base.
The Scotsman jumps up and screams "RUN YOU BASTARD RUN"
The gentleman next to him says "No, you don't understand, he's walking he's got 4 balls"
So the Scotsman yells "WALK WITH PRIDE LAD! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yalvb/a_scottish_man_goes_to_his_first_baseball_game/
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I had a job interview today, so I started with some sweeping, after which I displayed my twirling, then a little peek-a-boo, and I finished with a most vigorous flapping

I don't think they were impressed with my cape abilities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yadz5/i_had_a_job_interview_today_so_i_started_with/
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Why should you never lend your comb to a bald person?

Because they will never part with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yac58/why_should_you_never_lend_your_comb_to_a_bald/
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Why did the angry kettle feel calm after he was scammed?

He just had to let off some steam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yaai1/why_did_the_angry_kettle_feel_calm_after_he_was/
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Why was the Englishman's wife unhappy?

Cause he could only get a semi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8yaa34/why_was_the_englishmans_wife_unhappy/
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Why did the dog need glasses?

Because it had paw eyesight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ya9cm/why_did_the_dog_need_glasses/
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A time traveler walks into a bar.

"What did you have?" asks the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ya8fb/a_time_traveler_walks_into_a_bar/
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A Jewish businessman decided to send his son to Israel...

A Jewish businessman decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."   "Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ya5z6/a_jewish_businessman_decided_to_send_his_son_to/
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I used to work with horses

But it wasn't a stable job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ya52x/i_used_to_work_with_horses/
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The Medicrin Story - taken from a Boy Scouting website

Long ago, before Gamecubes, before Playstations, even before Atari, there were nasty, vile monsters roaming the land. In those days, a few brave, strong men made their living by protecting common people from these beasts. This is a story about one such man named Erik and the adventure he had.
There was a small village on the edge of a wide prairie, next to a very thick forest that led up into the cold, dark mountains. In these mountains lived the dreaded Medicrin. The Medicrin would stalk down from the mountains in the dead of night, sneak into the village, and snatch a sleeping villager. He would take the poor soul away and eat him for breakfast. This happened every week so you can imagine the villagers became quite tired of it.
The terrified villagers called a meeting, and decided to hire the greatest hero around - Erik the Brave!
Erik rode into town on his trusty steed, entered the city hall, and listened to the story the villagers told of the monster that attacked at night each week. When they were finished, Erik told them he would have a plan in the morning and he went to his hotel room.
In his room, he consulted his Great Hero's Book of Vile Monsters, and found the chapter about the Medicrin. He learned that Medicrins stink like rotten eggs. He learned they have 6 fingers with long claws. He learned they never brush their teeth. He learned they have very good noses. And he learned they love to eat human flesh, but even more, they love to eat Loons.
So, early the next morning, actually very, very early the next morning, Erik hunted high and low, near and far, to find a loon. He finally found one just before breakfast, captured it, tied it up, and brought it back to the village. He then told the villagers his plan.
He had them dig a pit that was 20 feet deep (because the Medicrin was 9 feet tall) and 10 feet around. While they were digging, Erik tied a big rock to the leg of the loon, so it could not fly away.
When the pit was finished, just about a half hour before sunset, Erik tossed in the rock, and of course the loon went in too. Then, he told the villagers to go to their homes while he waited for the Medicrin.
Erik jumped in the bushes and waited with his great broadsword with which to slay the Medicrin.
That night, the Medicrin snuck into the village . . .
It smelled the loon . . .
It came closer to the pit . . .
But then it smelled DANGER, and it ran off. On the way out of the village, it grabbed one of the villagers for a snack.
Needless to say, the villagers were not happy. Some demanded their money back, others wanted to throw Erik into the pit. After calming the villagers, the next day, Erik again consulted his Great Hero's Book of Vile Monsters, and learned more about the Medicrin. He learned it wore the same underwear for 3 weeks in a row. He learned it could not sing at all, but enjoyed listening to opera music. But, most importantly, he learned that Medicrins love sugar more than anything else in the world, even turnip-spinach surprise!
So, Erik used some of the money the villagers had given him and rode his trusty steed to the next village, bought all the sugar he could carry and returned - this took two days because villages were far apart in those days. The next day, he rode to a different village and bought their sugar. The next day, he went to yet another village. It had now been a week and the Medicrin was due to come again this night.
Erik gathered all this sugar and threw it into the pit. The loon, that was still stuck down in the pit, had not eaten in a week now and was extremely hungry. As fast as Erik could throw the sugar in the pit, the loon ate it up. It ate ALL the sugar!
Erik was struck with panic, and ran to and fro trying to figure out what to do next, but night had fallen, and the Medicrin would be there soon, so Erik crossed his fingers, and hoped for the best.
That night, the Medicrin came . . .
It smelled the loon . . .
It came closer to the pit . . .
It smelled sugar . . .
It came closer to the pit . . .
It smelled DANGER and turned to run away.
But, that smell of sugar was just too overpowering.
It couldn't resist.
The Medicrin ran up and dove down into the pit.
And, it was trapped!
Brave Erik leaped from behind the bush, raised his sword, and jumped down onto the Medicrin, driving his sword into its neck, and slew it.
Which just goes to show: A loon full of sugar helps the Medicrin go down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ya3sq/the_medicrin_story_taken_from_a_boy_scouting/
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"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Dave." "Dave who?"

Dave begins to sob uncontrollably as he realises his mother's dementia has worsened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ya3fl/knock_knock_whos_there_dave_dave_who/
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I was walking in the Bronx when a black guy stopped me and said, “Hey man, did the Yankees win?”

I said, “Yes, Of course. The South is still fighting over confederate statues though.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ya1e3/i_was_walking_in_the_bronx_when_a_black_guy/
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[NSFW] [Long] His first blowjob

A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of "the strong stuff". Bartender grabs a bottle of rum off the top shelf and says, "This is some rather expensive stuff. What's the occasion?" Man replies with three words, "My first blowjob."
The bartender exclaims with excitement, "Oh, congratulations! Here, let me throw in a mixed cocktail on the house!" The man declines, saying, "No thanks, if this bottle doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ya0xl/nsfw_long_his_first_blowjob/
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A man loved to tie knots

It was his favorite hobby. He spent all of his time tying knots in string and rope, and inventing new, stronger, or more interesting ways to tie knots. He tried to show his ropes and strings to his friends but nobody cared. He wasn't very talented at anything else, because he had spent his entire life tying knots. Everyone was disapointed in him, and he got depressed. He was depressed for months, and then he got fired from his job at a restaurant. That was the final thread. He couldn't take it anymore. He hung himself later that day. At least he died doing what he loved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y9ztl/a_man_loved_to_tie_knots/
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Wedding day and birthday

This married couple have a wedding day that is on the same day as the wife's birthday. When asked about it, the wife said:
"It's because he convinced me to. He said it's to make the most important day of my life twice as important as any other normal wedding day. I'm happy that he's the one I'm married to."
The husband, when asked the same question:
"It's easier to remember the date that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y9zeb/wedding_day_and_birthday/
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Did you hear about the mathmatician's wife?

It all started when they got married. She sat down on the couch every single day, and screamed at him for not cleaning the house, doing the laundry, or washing the dishes while she was watching TV.
Of course, such a static lifestyle only makes you less healthy. So after a while, she grew fatter. The mathematician pretended not to notice - after all, she was already screaming at him, so why anger her further?
And yet she kept growing fatter. By week 19 of their marriage being started, she was 1.5 times heavier than what she had been before. Week 31? 2 times heavier. After Week 52, after a year had passed, she was almost 2.5 times her current weight. And she was still screaming at him for not doing the household work required while eating through bags of snacks.
The mathematician decided that he had finally had enough. He filed for divorce, and after the divorce had been completed, his wife screamed at him for leaving her in this state, but the mathematician ignored it. She was no longer his problem.
Drinking at a bar to savour the sweet taste of relief, his good friend asked him "do you think she'll keep growing fatter?"
He replied, "Isn't it obvious? She's an e^x wife, she'll always be gaining weight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y9yls/did_you_hear_about_the_mathmaticians_wife/
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I met this girl at a bar...

...and she invited me back to her apartment for sex until morning but there were no beds or chairs...
It was a one night stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y9v52/i_met_this_girl_at_a_bar/
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What do you call it when someone bullies an over weight ISIS member?

Cali-fat shaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y9t5a/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_bullies_an_over/
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I found my first grey pubic hair today

I just didn’t expect to find it in my Big Mac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y9ps1/i_found_my_first_grey_pubic_hair_today/
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Your mom is a carpenter's dream.

Flat as a board and easy to nail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y9mmx/your_mom_is_a_carpenters_dream/
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[NSFW] [Long] Little Johnny is walking along

The sidewalk, dragging a dead frog behind him. Making his way to a house, he knocks on the door and answering is a lady dressed in a rather sheer robe. She looks down at Johnny and asks, "Aren't you a bit young?" Johnny ignores the question, and simply says, "I got $50. I want your most diseased ridden whore."
The Madame looks rather shocked, but doesn't say much. She instead introduces Little Johnny to Samantha, who is indeed ridden with some of the most vile diseases known to man. Johnny pays up the $50 and the two begin to have their moments.
After all is said and done, the boy begins to leave, dead frog in tote, when the madame stops him. "Kid, I have to know. Why would you ruin your life this way?"
The kid looks up to the madame, and replies, "Well you see, when I get home tonight, my babysitter is going to have her way with me. Then my dad is going to take her home and he's going to have his way with her. When he gets home, mom is going to have her way with dad, and when dad leaves tomorrow, the mailman is going to have his way with mom."
"And that's the bastard that ran over my frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y9k91/nsfw_long_little_johnny_is_walking_along/
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Guy walks into a bar with an octopus...

and offers anyone in the bar if they have a musical instrument his octopus can’t play he’ll pay them $100. A man immediately hops up with a harmonica, confident he had won the money. But the octopus shows expert skill with the harmonica, receiving a round of applause from the other patrons. Another man hesitantly proceeds with a banjo, laying it on a stool next to the octopus. The octopus eyed the man unwaveringly and reached for the instrument with a single tentacle and pulled it into a familiar position. The man already knew he was beaten before a note was played, not that it stopped the octopus from chopping down a bluegrass solo that elicited another round of applause from a now growing crowd. Then a third man placed a set of bagpipes at the foot of the octopus who had become silent and seemed to apprehend this instrument with a quiet awe. He inspected it closely, then pulled it to one side, then lifted it above and examined it from underneath. His partner now becoming worried leaned in, “Hurry up and play it! There’s a line of people with instruments out here we’re gonna be rich!” But the octopus remained diligently observing the bagpipes. “Play it? If I can figure out how to get these pajamas off I’m gonna fuck it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y9hsy/guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus/
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If you love skydiving, don’t wear a parachute on your next jump

Then you can skydive for the rest of your life!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y9hd4/if_you_love_skydiving_dont_wear_a_parachute_on/
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What is the difference in a porcupine and a Porsche?

On a porcupine, the prick is on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y9epg/what_is_the_difference_in_a_porcupine_and_a/
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[Long] A captain in the air force...

Is boarding a plane home, and as he's loading his luggage in the over head, notices a Marine Lance Corporal snoozing against the window. The Air Force Captain grins a bit, knowing Marines reputation for being jar heads, and decides he's going to have a bit of fun.
Sitting next to the marine, he nudges him awake and they begin to have a conversation. Where did you serve, how long have you been in, so on, so forth. Eventually, after take-off, the Marine goes to prop against the window again to sleep, but the Captain stops him.
"We have a flight ahead of us, what about a game?" Asked the Captain. The Marine shrugged, "What kind of game?" "Well," the Captain said, "I'll ask you a question, and if you can't get it, you pay me $50. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't get it, I'll pay you $500."
The Marine considered this for a moment, and agreed. The Captain then asked him, "What's the distance from the surface of the Earth to the sun?" The Marine frowned in thought, and after a while, pulled out a crisp $50 bill and handed it to the Captain. The Captain grinned. This was great, he thought, I'll take this kid for all he has.
"Your turn," said the Captain. The Marine hesitated a bit, thinking it over, before asking "What goes up a hill on two legs, but comes down on three?" The Captain opened his mouth, but closed it. He was stumped. The Marine took this time, rolled over, and decided to nap.
As the Marine napped, the Captain began to use the resources he had available. He began to search the internet, called people he knew at the pentagon, everything he could think of. But he could not find the answer.
The plane landed, the Marine woke up, and the Captain, as promised, handed him $500. They began to unload their luggage and debark from the plane when the Captain stopped him and asked, "Kid. I got to know. What goes up a hill on two legs but comes down on three?" The Marine stopped, considered the Captain for a moment, and with a shrug, he handed the Captain $50.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y9b28/long_a_captain_in_the_air_force/
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A woman gets on a double decker bus.

She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.
The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says “bit airy up there ma’am”
To which she replies, “what’d you expect, feathers?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y99n3/a_woman_gets_on_a_double_decker_bus/
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The Nigerian football team

is so disappointed with Saturday's performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.
All they need to do to get a refund is send bank details, sort codes, and PINs, and they will transfer the money directly...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y969a/the_nigerian_football_team/
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A mathematician has one foot in a bucket of lava and the other on a block of ice

On average, he's okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y94mc/a_mathematician_has_one_foot_in_a_bucket_of_lava/
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[NSFW] [Long] A man walks into a bar and...

The bartender asks his posion.
"I'd like a rum and coke." So the bartender pulls out an apple. "Excuse me, this is an apple." says the man. "Just trust me," replies the bartender. The man picks the apple up, and taking a bite, exclaims "This tastes just like rum!" "Turn it around," instructed the bartender. The man flipped the apple around, and taking another bite, exclaims "This tastes just like coke!"
Another man walks into the bar and sits down, asking for a gin and tonic. The bartender pulls out and apple, and the man looks at him in disgust. "That's an apple. I asked for a gin and tonic!" The first man stops and says "Trust him." Sure enough, the man bites in to the apple, "This tastes like Gin!". The previous man then says, "Turn it around." "This tastes like tonic!" cries the second man.
As both men are enjoying their apples, a third man walks into the bar. As he sits down, he looks rather confused as to the other two men eating apples. "I thought this was a bar," he says. The men look at him and one says "It is. Trust us, this man has an apple for anything you can think of. Name a flavor!"
The third man looks to the bartender and says "Alright, I want one that tastes like pussy!" The bartender, sure enough, pulls out an apple and places it on the bar. The man picks the apple up and just stares are it. "Bite in!" cry the other two men, and after a fe moments of hesitation, he does. He immediately spits the apple out, and in anger cries out, "This tastes like shit!!" The bartender looks at him and says,
"Turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y945l/nsfw_long_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and/
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Sergeant: ‘Are we any closer to solving the case of the missing dog-walker?’

Detective: ‘Well I’ve got a lead but nothing else has turned up’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y93ce/sergeant_are_we_any_closer_to_solving_the_case_of/
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Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could respond, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a little smile, Sally's mother asked, "Really small was it?"
Sally replied, "No...salty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y9304/little_sally_came_home_from_school_and_with_a/
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Some cultures use different parts of the body to represent different numbers.

If you don't know these aspects of the culture, you may not value the people. But I find you can count on them once you get to know them better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y914u/some_cultures_use_different_parts_of_the_body_to/
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[Long] [NSFW] So a man is at the bar with some co-workers...

They're sitting around, throwing a few back, when the man decides to get clever. He tells them, "Lads, did ya know I'm capable of biting my own eye?" His co-workers tell him to come off it, but he insists that it's true. So, curious, they each put money on the table, willing to take this drunks money. However, the man pops out his prosthetic eye and indeed, he sticks it in his mouth and bites down.
They're beside themselves, but take it in good humor as the man collects the money. "That's not all," he said, "I can also bite my own ear." "Oh, no you don't!" cries a co-worker, "You have a fake ear!"
"I don't," insists the hero of our story, and after some convincing, money in placed on the table again. The man then pops out his dentures, and uses them to clamp on this ear lobe. The co-workers are once again beside themselves, having been made fools twice now.
The man excuses himself and wanders to the bar where the bartender is amused at what he had witnessed of the table. "Here to make a bet?" The bartender asked. The drunk looks at him in consideration and nods. "I'm willing to bet I can piss in each of those cups behind ya, and not spill a drop!"
The bartender, having just witnessed the cleverness of this man, stared at him in thought as he tried to figure out how this man was going to pull one over on him. Curiosity getting the better of him however, he places money on the bar, and the drunk stands on his stool and exposes himself.
The drunk begins to relieve himself, and he's hitting the bar, the floor, and most of it on the bartender, who is roaring with laughter, as none of it got anywhere close to the cups the drunk was trying to hit. "You lose, old man!" Claims the bartender, collecting the $50 the drunk had bet.
The drunk just grins as he recomposed himself and says "That's alright. I just bet those three at the table a $100 each that I could piss all over you and make you laugh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y9107/long_nsfw_so_a_man_is_at_the_bar_with_some/
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A wife was preparing a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when he suddenly burst into the kitchen. “Careful!” he said.

“Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh, my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once! “Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! Now! We need more butter! Oh, my gosh! They’re going to stick! “Slow things down a bit! Careful! Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! “Right, turn them! Hurry up! Turn them now! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! USE THE SALT! USE THE SALT!” The wife stared at him in disbelief. “What the heck is wrong with you? Do you think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband replied calmly, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y90ja/a_wife_was_preparing_a_breakfast_of_fried_eggs/
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Helen Keller walks into a bar...

Then a table, then a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y904q/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
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Woman only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y8vto/woman_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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God rolled a joint, put it in his mouth, and realized he had nothing to light it with.

The match was made in Heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y8v4u/god_rolled_a_joint_put_it_in_his_mouth_and/
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A woman gets pulled over by a state trooper.

As the Officer walks up to her window and flips open his little book the lady
says, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper ball,
aren't you?"
The Officer looks at her with a puzzled look on his face and says, "but ma'am,
state troopers don't have balls."
There was a silence, the officer tipped his hat, turned around, got back in
his car, and drove away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y8ull/a_woman_gets_pulled_over_by_a_state_trooper/
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My one and only engineer joke.

Three engineering students were discussing what type of engineer created the human body. The first one said “well obviously it’s a chemical engineer because the body couldn’t function without all the chemicals and hormones and everything else.“
The second one said “no no no it’s definitely a mechanical engineer because the body wouldn’t be a body without all the muscles and tendons and all of that that makes it move.“
The third one Said “oh no you’re both wrong. The human body was created by a civil engineer.” The other two looked at him like he was crazy and said please explain that because it doesn’t make any sense.
He said “who else would put a recreational area right next to a toxic waste dump?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y8tds/my_one_and_only_engineer_joke/
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[NSFW] [LONG] A soldier returns home from Iraq...

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she's ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, "Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn't stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick." This certainly has the wife's curiosity, and so she asks to see this so-called trick.
The soldier stands up, and drops trow, exposing himself before his wife. Looking down, he says boldly, "ATTEN-TION!" and immediately his little soldier springs to life, standing firm. "At-ease", he commands, and suddenly, the little soldier slumbers limply.
After doing this several more times, the wife is mighty impressed, even amused by this trick, and asks to show the new neighbor who has moved in next door. The soldier, rather proud of himself and willing to show off, doesn't protest.
The wife rings their neighbor, telling them her husband has come home and wanting to show off his new skills he learned in the military. Not but a few moments later, there's a knock on the door and the wife, having answered, brings into the room where the soldier is standing exposed, the most outrageously gorgeous woman he has ever seen.
The wife prompts her husband to begin, and so he does. "ATTEN-TION!" Unsurprisingly, the little soldier snaps to life once again, as it did before. "At-ease", he says, but nothing happens. "AT. EASE!" He states, louder this time, but still, the little soldier does not budge from his post. The solider leans down as close to his pecker as he can and angrily whispers, "If you don't do as you are told, so help me.. AT. EASE!!" But still, nothing, the little soldier is firm and upright.
The husband is now beside himself, looking a fool in front of his wife and their neighbor, and pulls his pants off, scampering to the bathroom in embarrassment. The wife and neighbor are doubled over in laughter, having basically watched someone shout at their junk.
But some time passes since the husband's departure and the wife has grown concerned. Excusing herself, she leaves the neighbor behind in the living room and seeks out her husband. She hears a ruckus in the bathroom and opening the door, finds her husband beating off. She exclaims "What the hell are you doing?!" to which the soldier replies,
"The little shit wasn't taking orders, so I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y8ryh/nsfw_long_a_soldier_returns_home_from_iraq/
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Why do Irish dancers only dance with their legs?

Cause all the arms have been decommissioned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y8qiv/why_do_irish_dancers_only_dance_with_their_legs/
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Do you know who holds the world record for time spent in a cave?

It turns out it's actually a Thai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y8l31/do_you_know_who_holds_the_world_record_for_time/
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If you sum up the 90s...

you get 945

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y8jpj/if_you_sum_up_the_90s/
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It's okay password...

...I'm insecure too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y8j7n/its_okay_password/
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My wife told me that "sex is better on holiday".

Not the best postcard I've ever received.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y8g23/my_wife_told_me_that_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
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Square testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'
'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked  the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the *lawyer was banging his head against the wall.*
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y8dd3/square_testicles/
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What big cat shouldn't you take to a rock concert?

A Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y8d20/what_big_cat_shouldnt_you_take_to_a_rock_concert/
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This kid loves tractors and it’s his favourite thing in the world.

He has everything relating to tractors, bed sheets, toys and posters, the lot. He would always talk about them every moment he possibly could.
Anyways his dad for his 8th birthday he takes his son to the farmers market. The kid was in his element, he sees every possible tractor he could imagine, he loves it. But he sees his favourite tractor, a John Deer branded one. Their was a farmer driving around on it and his dad said, ‘If you ask the nice farmer he might let you ride around on it.’
The kid runs directly towards the farmer beaming, he tries to wave the farmer down but he fails to notice him. He asks him if he could ride around on his tractor with him. The tractor stops and the kid puts his hand on the wheel. The farmer turns to him and rips into him. ‘Fuck off kid, I don’t want you touching my tractor!’
The kid is shocked, he couldn’t believe it. His dad takes him home straight after. The kid walks into his room, with wet eyes. He starts tearing the posters off the walls, ripping he sheets off his bed and Cruz hind his toys and throwing them in the trash. He was crying now.
As he sits and mopes, he notices next door the neighbours house is on fire. He runs straight outside and runs to the front door. One of his neighbours comes out saying her husband is still inside. The kid runs straight in to look for the man. He finds him in the living room completely filled with smoke. The husband sees the kid and tells him to leave.
The kid, grounds himself, takes in a massive deep breath. All the smoke disappears.
The husband gets up, ‘How did you do that?!’
The kid looks at him, ‘I’m an Ex-tractor Fan.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y86o4/this_kid_loves_tractors_and_its_his_favourite/
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Robbie Burns

As Robbie was looking for a place to stay the night, he came up to a farm.
The farmer curious of the bards talent, said "you can stay the night if you pen a better song than mine, using Timbuktu."
Robbie agreed, and the farmer started
"Stretching across the desert sands,
Came a lonely caravan,
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu."
Robbie thought for a moment and began
"As Tim and I walked along the strand,
We saw some ladies,
hand in hand,
They were three, and we were two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y83g0/robbie_burns/
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And if I had...

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon ;with great expression he said "if I had all the beer in the world,I'd take it and throw it into the river"
With even greater emphasis he said,.
" And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river ".
And then finally, he said, " And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river. "
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, for our closing song,let us sing Hymn #365 " Shall we gather at the river "....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y818a/and_if_i_had/
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When the fly drops 4 inches

Picture a mountain stream and there is bear that is trying to catch a fish and there is a fly that is buzzing over the stream.
The fish inside the stream is looking up at the fly, and is thinking if this fly would just drop 4 inches then I could jump out of the water and have a snack.
The bear is thinking that if this fly would just drop 4 inches then the fish would jump out of the water, and I could have some supper.
Now there is a hunter up on a hill and is thinking that if this fly would just drop 4 inches then the fish would jump out of the water, the bear would grab the fish, and I would have a clear aim on the bear so I could shoot him, stuff him and put him in my basement.
And there is a mouse who is thinking, if this fly would just drop 4 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, the bear would grab the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear. When he goes down to get the bear then I am going to grab his cheese sandwich.
The hunter has a cat who is thinking that if the mouse even thinks about grabbing the cheese sandwich then I'm going to pounce on him and have some supper. Now this stalemate is going on for hours...
And then finally, the fly drops 4 inches, the fish jumps out of the water, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter shoots the bear,the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich, and as the cat is about the pounce on the mouse it slips and goes rolling down the hill and falls into the stream and dies.
Now the moral of this story... When the fly drops 4 inches, the pussy is going to get wet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y7vqt/when_the_fly_drops_4_inches/
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I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year...

All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y7tjm/i_started_carrying_a_knife_after_a_failed_mugging/
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"I'd like some lettuce on my burger."

Cashier: Sir, can you spell the "tom" in tomatoes? Customer: T O M.
Cashier: OK Can you spell the "fuck" in lettuce?
Customer: There is no fuck in lettuce!
Cashier: exactly, we are out of lettuce.
An older gentleman came into work today when we were out of lettuce and told my friend at the register this joke. I thought it was hilarious. I like to think everytime somewhere is out of lettuce he gets excited to tell this joke haha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y7pfk/id_like_some_lettuce_on_my_burger/
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What happened to the plant in math class?

It grew square roots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y7mh7/what_happened_to_the_plant_in_math_class/
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Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y7jm6/who_is_this_rorschach_guy/
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Sometimes you eat a crow,

Some other times, Croatia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y7aqq/sometimes_you_eat_a_crow/
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Did you hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off of his wife?

He fired them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y77fu/did_you_hear_about_the_farmer_who_couldnt_keep/
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Things that didn't exist the last time England were in the semis

iPhone
Facebook
Google
Amazon
Android
Twitter
Instagram
iPod
Yahoo
YouTube
Snapchat
Spotify
Tesla
Skype
Uber
Airbnb
Bitcoin
Fitbit
Emojis
iPad
and
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Croatia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y6ypc/things_that_didnt_exist_the_last_time_england/
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My friend got mad on my views on lesbians...

...apparently "in HD" isn't an opinion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y6yf9/my_friend_got_mad_on_my_views_on_lesbians/
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y6vtz/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_has_lost_his_car/
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The cow waited it’s whole life to be met

Because “meated” isn’t a word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y6sgh/the_cow_waited_its_whole_life_to_be_met/
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I'm done drinking coffee for good....

...now i'm drinking coffee for evil!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y6okn/im_done_drinking_coffee_for_good/
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The horse goes into the hardware shop...

The horse goes into the hardware shop.
Horse: I would like to have a pound of bread!
Clerk: sorry but we have only pink.
Horse: no problem I came with bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y6oi7/the_horse_goes_into_the_hardware_shop/
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Do you know what sarcasm is?

No, I live under a rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y6nzh/do_you_know_what_sarcasm_is/
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I smashed a CD in half...

Bits flew everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y6h3y/i_smashed_a_cd_in_half/
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What do you call an Englishman in the final of the World Cup?

A referee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y6epi/what_do_you_call_an_englishman_in_the_final_of/
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Imagine sticking a fork into an outlet

What happens next will shock you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y68dw/imagine_sticking_a_fork_into_an_outlet/
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My dentist told me to “open up”

So I told him that I often have trouble putting peoples words into context. My dentist said “I can tell”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y66ny/my_dentist_told_me_to_open_up/
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It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister...

The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits.
Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall.
“You’ll need to paint faster ladies, we’re planning to install the carpet tomorrow!”, she hisses as she stomps off to oversee the new cabinets.
One of the novitiates looks at the other and says, “What if we just took off our habits? Then we could paint much more quickly without sullying our holy garments.”
The other nun agrees. They lock the door, take off their habits and undergarments and begin to paint.
The painting is indeed much faster without their restrictive clothing, and the nuns are happy to be making such good progress.
Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. Looking worriedly at each other, the nuns nervously ask, “Who is it?”
A haggard voice replies, “It’s me...the blind guy.”
The novitiates wordlessly shrug at one another and unlock the door. After all, it is their duty to provide charity to the poor and downtrodden.
The door opens and the blind man stumbles in.
“Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y659z/its_time_to_redecorate_the_nunnery_and_mother/
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In English grammar, periods are very important. They can alter the entire meaning of what is being said.

For example:
Johnny was on his trampoline, moving up and down in total bliss.
Johnny was on his period, moving up and down in total bliss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y64jb/in_english_grammar_periods_are_very_important/
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How is eating pussy like being involved with the mob?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5yyw/how_is_eating_pussy_like_being_involved_with_the/
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My Daughter…

My daughter once said to me
“Dad, according to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.”
She was just an embryo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5wn9/my_daughter/
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What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

The pickpocket snatches your watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5qur/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?”

Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!"
My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5qel/i_came_home_with_a_salamander_on_my_shoulder_and/
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A lonely guy got horny and

went to the most famous hooker in town.
"Got some skills on ya, honey?"asked the man.
The hooker deadpanned, "$50 for a handie."
"Holy moly that's expensive!" He screamed.
Unfazed, the hooker pointed at the aromatic bakery nearby, "see the bread shop?"
"Yeah, so?"
"That's mine because of my skills."
Stunned yet suspicious, he handed over the bill.
After 3 minutes of dexterity, "Oh Jesus Christ!!!!!!"
A couple of days later, the man wanted something more and went to her again.
The hooker deadpanned, "$100 for a blowie."
"Honey you don't play do you!" The man irritated.
Sneering, she gestured towards the swanky jewelry shop at the end of the street, "See that?"
"Yeah, so?"
"That's mine because of my skills."
In awe, the man handed over the bill.
After 2 minutes of euphoria, "Mother of lord!!!!"
Unsatiated, the man panted, "how much for the whole package? Lady I have to try that!"
Silently, the hooker gazed at the only skyscraper in town.
"That yours too? Sweetheart you're loaded!"
"No,"she said wistfully, "but it would be if I had a vagina."
[It's not original. I chanced upon it in Chinese version a long time ago and decided as too much of a gem not to translate. Hope it's not a repost! Have a nice day!]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5ppd/a_lonely_guy_got_horny_and/
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Three men were standing in line...

... to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Saint Peter had been forced to pick who would be allowed in. "Guys listen, heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had *particularly* horrible deaths. When you’re called, please come up and tell me your story."
Upon being summoned, the first man began: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her in the act. As soon as I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging from the railing!  By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him but he just wouldn't fall off! So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I was INCENSED so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and pushed it over the railing and it landed on him- killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"Wow- that sounds like a pretty bad day to me, please enter in” said Saint Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and explains:
"Saint Peter- I have to tell you it's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I exercise out on my balcony. Well, this morning I lost my balance doing lunges and fell backward. When I went to grab the railing it gave way under my body weight, and I fell over the edge! Thankfully, the railing on the balcony below me was within reach as I was falling and by some stroke of luck I was able to reach out and grab it before falling to my death. I was so stunned and exhausted as much as I tried I couldn’t pull myself up. I hung there- exhausted, trying to get the energy to try again or the  breath to scream when suddenly this man throw open is sliding door and burst out onto the balcony, screaming like a maniac. I thought for sure I was saved, but instead he started beating and kicking me! I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my fingers and hands. Finally I just let go, deciding it would be better to die than to bear any more torture at the hands of this mad man. It may sound unbelievable but I swear to... you know... your boss... that I somehow fell into the bushes below- which broke my fall and saved my life!! I was stunned and exhausted, my hands had been beaten to a bloody pulp- every finger broken and twisted... but I was ALIVE! Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this REFRIGERATOR comes falling out of the sky and crushes me, instantly! ... and well... now I'm here."
St. Peter was amazed at the story and immediately conceded that his grisly story sounded like a very horrible death.
As the third man came to the front of the line,  St. Peter again explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Ok... picture this," says the third man, "You’re hiding naked in a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5o6z/three_men_were_standing_in_line/
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Cuddling with somebody is probably the most comforting thing in the world...

...unless you're in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5k5i/cuddling_with_somebody_is_probably_the_most/
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Why did the Nazi fail his drivers test?

He used his signal on the two left turns but failed on the third riech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5j6d/why_did_the_nazi_fail_his_drivers_test/
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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5i08/i_applied_to_be_a_sperm_donor_and_the_nurse_asked/
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Did you hear about the guy that got murdered by a starter pistol?

Cops said it was race related

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5h7u/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_got_murdered_by_a/
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Why do bakers get paid so much?

Because they knead the dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5fzh/why_do_bakers_get_paid_so_much/
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I like my women how I like my drinks

Virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5fs7/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_drinks/
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Steve jobs goes to Heaven..

.. As he steps up to the pearly gates, St. Peter looks at him with a frown on his face, points downwards and says: “You know how we feel about Apples up here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5fp6/steve_jobs_goes_to_heaven/
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His Hair is red, His eyes are Brown

He is never gonna give you up. He is never gonna let you down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5f1s/his_hair_is_red_his_eyes_are_brown/
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What is the worst time to hear that your loved one has died?

Right after you took a large hit from a helium balloon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5dtf/what_is_the_worst_time_to_hear_that_your_loved/
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What do you call a porcupine with an acetylene torch?

Spiny the welder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5crx/what_do_you_call_a_porcupine_with_an_acetylene/
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Marriage is like a deck of cards...

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond and by the end you want a club and a spade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5bqg/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/
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My computer just crashed while I was a couple hours into doing my essay

Now I have to write those two sentences all over again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y5b5e/my_computer_just_crashed_while_i_was_a_couple/
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An old man goes into a restaurant...

An old man goes into a restaurant  and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress  wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit walks up to his table and asks if he is ready to order.
"What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again, the old man thoroughly checks her out and answers, "I'd like a quickie, please."
This time, the waitress's  anger takes over -- she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it’s pronounced  'quiche.'"
😀

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y56bd/an_old_man_goes_into_a_restaurant/
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If animals used reddit, which animal would be the most hated?

Moder-gators

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y554q/if_animals_used_reddit_which_animal_would_be_the/
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How does Bob Marley like his toast?

With Jamm in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y53i9/how_does_bob_marley_like_his_toast/
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How can you tell the Scottish are always angry?

Even their flag is cross

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y52gt/how_can_you_tell_the_scottish_are_always_angry/
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So a midget is waiting in a doctor’s office....

So after a hours of waiting, the doctor arrives.
Doctor: Sorry I’m late.
Midget: it’s okay, I’m a little patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y500e/so_a_midget_is_waiting_in_a_doctors_office/
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What do my bike and the world cup have in common?

Both were stolen from me by a group of Croatians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y4z5v/what_do_my_bike_and_the_world_cup_have_in_common/
%
I only have one thing to complain about

Wish I had a couple more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y4ypy/i_only_have_one_thing_to_complain_about/
%
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y4ypg/i_own_a_pencil_that_used_to_be_owned_by_william/
%
A newly published novelist wrote in her blog that her 100,000-word thriller got her $1,000,000 from her publisher.

She brags at a party that her words are worth $10 each. A slightly drunk guy walks up, confronts her by the bar, plots down $10 and says “OK, wise ass, give me one of those $10 words.” The writer calmly stuffs the bill in her pocket and says “thanks” and walks away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y4u6v/a_newly_published_novelist_wrote_in_her_blog_that/
%
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y4u1o/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Yeah, it's cool that the Thai kids were rescued.

They’re just not as entertaining as they were when they first got trapped and not too many people knew them. I guess you could say I liked them more when they were underground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y4td5/yeah_its_cool_that_the_thai_kids_were_rescued/
%
I told my brother, "My wife ran off yesterday with my best friend Joe."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then said. "Since when is Joe your best friend?"
I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y4spg/i_told_my_brother_my_wife_ran_off_yesterday_with/
%
Russian Joke (Obama and Merkel meet in private)

Obama tells Merkel:"Listen, I have three buttons, red, green and yellow.  If I press the red button, there is no more China, if I press the yellow button, there is no more Russia, if I press the green button, Europe is gone".
Merkel says... "That may be, however, my grandmother had three toilets.  A gold one, a silver one, and a delft one.   However, when the Russians entered Berlin in 1945, she crapped herself in the hallway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y4n2a/russian_joke_obama_and_merkel_meet_in_private/
%
While one a flight to Europe, a stewardess discreetly asked Trump if he wanted a blowjob.

He replied: What’s in it for me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y4ku1/while_one_a_flight_to_europe_a_stewardess/
%
What's the difference between Thai kids and American kids?

Thai kids are trapped by water.
American kids are trapped by ICE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y4aeg/whats_the_difference_between_thai_kids_and/
%
When I die I want the England national team to be my pallbearers.

So they can let me down one last time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y48ut/when_i_die_i_want_the_england_national_team_to_be/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishmen

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y4746/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishmen/
%
A man is buying property from a realtor...

And he’s seeing some really nice lots for sell. However, he’s seeing something odd... the first lot he sees is lot 1, then he sees lots 2 and 3, but the next lot is lot 5. After that he sees lots 7, 11, and 13. Puzzles, the man asks, “Hey, what about  all the other lots?” The realtor looks at him and says, “oh, I only deal in prime realty.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y43ez/a_man_is_buying_property_from_a_realtor/
%
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y3y98/my_wife_accused_me_of_hating_her_family_and/
%
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y3xkv/why_does_helen_keller_masturbate_with_one_hand/
%
What's the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y3r4s/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_logan_paul/
%
What do you call a dog drenched in bleach?

A basic bitch.
Thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y3r0n/what_do_you_call_a_dog_drenched_in_bleach/
%
A man decides to open up a business...

Sadly, he is located right between two other shops in the same line of business he wishes to enter. To his left, a large sign reads "Smith and Co.", to his right theres "Winstons Finest". So, after a bit of pondering, he decides to name his shop "Main Entrance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y3q67/a_man_decides_to_open_up_a_business/
%
Some cavalry soldiers are pinned down by a bunch of Indians.

The Major yells to the Sergeant, "Sergeant, I don't like the sound of those drums!" one of the Indians hollers, "He's not our regular drummer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y3jqi/some_cavalry_soldiers_are_pinned_down_by_a_bunch/
%
What did the TV do at the beach?

Channel surf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y3g04/what_did_the_tv_do_at_the_beach/
%
Did you know that Helen Keller had a playground in her backyard?

Neither did she

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y3fae/did_you_know_that_helen_keller_had_a_playground/
%
What's the difference between England and a teabag?

The teabag stays in the Cup longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y3azd/whats_the_difference_between_england_and_a_teabag/
%
What's the difference between England and Viagra?

Viagra can get you past a semi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y39rk/whats_the_difference_between_england_and_viagra/
%
The bully loomed threateningly over the nerd and said, "You know what snitches get don't you?"

Ummm, "150 points?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y39kq/the_bully_loomed_threateningly_over_the_nerd_and/
%
What does a 90s girl drink?

Like so-duh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y388i/what_does_a_90s_girl_drink/
%
Quick! Does anyone know the Heimlich maneuver?

England just choked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y382u/quick_does_anyone_know_the_heimlich_maneuver/
%
What's the difference between the Tham Luang cave boys and the FIFA World Cup?

The boys are coming home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y36nd/whats_the_difference_between_the_tham_luang_cave/
%
What do you call an Englishman in a World Cup final game?

A referee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y3660/what_do_you_call_an_englishman_in_a_world_cup/
%
She said "undress me with your words"

So I replied by saying "there's a spider in your bra".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y3381/she_said_undress_me_with_your_words/
%
Teacher asks little Jonny "how long has your Dad been working at his company"

Little Jonny replies "ever since they threatened to fire him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y30d8/teacher_asks_little_jonny_how_long_has_your_dad/
%
What weapon do gay archers use?

A rain-bow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y2yqc/what_weapon_do_gay_archers_use/
%
Four Surgeons....

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y2x8y/four_surgeons/
%
Don't you just hate it when med students call themselves doctors?

I mean you don't see engineering students calling themselves engineers or arts students calling themselves baristas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y2v6q/dont_you_just_hate_it_when_med_students_call/
%
A guy walks into a backwoods Arkansas bar and orders a glass of white wine.

One of the bubbas at the pool table walks over looking for trouble. He asks, "Where you from, mister?" The guy replies that he's from San Francisco. The rednecks in the bar all laugh, and the bubba says, "So what do you do there in  San Francisco?" The guy answers, "Well I'm a taxidermist." The bubba says "What the hell does a taxidermist do?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bubba smiles at him and says to his friends "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y2u08/a_guy_walks_into_a_backwoods_arkansas_bar_and/
%
When they ban the device I use to suck my drink up into my mouth...

That will be the last straw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y2tkg/when_they_ban_the_device_i_use_to_suck_my_drink/
%
What kind of shoe does a thief wear?

Sneakers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y2s13/what_kind_of_shoe_does_a_thief_wear/
%
A woman is trying to grow tomatoes, but can't seem to get them to turn red...

She sees that her neighbor has beautiful red tomatoes so she asks him, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" "Easy" He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?" "No, but my cucumbers are enormous!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y2r3s/a_woman_is_trying_to_grow_tomatoes_but_cant_seem/
%
50 dollars is 50 dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars - and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars - and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know - 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
**Edit: I‘m sorry if this is a repost. I never heard it before and thought it was hilarious and wanted to share. Sorry :( I brought shame upon my family :(**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y2opg/50_dollars_is_50_dollars/
%
A mathematician was found not-guilty of murdering his wife

even though his fingerprints were found on the murder-weapon.
The judge had to let him go because of the mathematician's argument  which stated that "As I am the 'prime' suspect of the murder, I can't  possibly be the 'one' to kill her".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y286w/a_mathematician_was_found_notguilty_of_murdering/
%
Two friends are in a car

They come up to a red light, and the driver drives straight through it, not slowing down even a bit.
"What are you doing?" the passenger yells.
"It's fine, my brother drives like this," the driver replies.
They keep going, come to another red light, and again the driver goes straight through.
"What are you doing?! The light was red!!!" the passenger screams.
"I told you it's okay, my brother drives this way all the time," the driver says.
They keep going, and the next light is green. This time the driver slams on the brakes, coming to a skidding stop in front of the light.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" screams the passenger.
"Hey, you never know if my brother might be coming the other way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y1w0g/two_friends_are_in_a_car/
%
A Frenchman bumps into a English gentleman on a street

"Good day to you sir, what are you up to." says the Englishman.
The Frenchman says "nothing much....what are you doing."
"Oh we are playing Croatia today" answers the Englishman.
"Ah what a coincidence.  We are playing them on Sunday you see" replies the Frenchman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y1v8i/a_frenchman_bumps_into_a_english_gentleman_on_a/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y1uzk/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_went_on_a_camping/
%
I'm tired of Holocaust deniers!

We really need a final solution to this problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y1s8o/im_tired_of_holocaust_deniers/
%
Wanna hear a joke about ghosts??

that's the spirit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y1noa/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_ghosts/
%
What do you get when you mix LSD and a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y1msx/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_lsd_and_a_birth/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee.

Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y1jx1/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Three bottoms sit in a bar...

The first says, "I'm so loose, my partner can put their fist in me."
The second laughs and says, "That's nothing. I'm so loose that my partner can put their arm in me."
The third laughs and the barstool disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y1hwf/three_bottoms_sit_in_a_bar/
%
One buttock to the other...

"Want to be friends?"
"Nah, there's been too much shit between us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y1f4s/one_buttock_to_the_other/
%
What do you call a group of rabbits with little hats?

Rabbi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y1d79/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_rabbits_with_little/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y1bx5/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
Nasa decided to put a random object on all of Saturn's moons

So now there's a tack on Titan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y178t/nasa_decided_to_put_a_random_object_on_all_of/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high.

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y15kx/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_on_too/
%
Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian..

Well, no one is laughing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y13t1/everyone_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_be/
%
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y12hs/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_flying_a_plane/
%
Drunk guy pukes on his shirt.

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "What am I my gonna do now? My wife's gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"That's a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five dollars to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"
"He shit my pants, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y105s/drunk_guy_pukes_on_his_shirt/
%
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y0zv8/what_has_four_legs_in_the_morning_two_legs_at/
%
My wife left me with the kids last night

I don't think they're ever coming back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y0xvk/my_wife_left_me_with_the_kids_last_night/
%
It Jesus was the lamb of God.. and Mary was his mother does that mean...

Mary had a little lamb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y0uh5/it_jesus_was_the_lamb_of_god_and_mary_was_his/
%
Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his sister in a pile of lemon peels?

It was in zest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y0t8m/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_had_sex_with_his/
%
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me unattractive

I'd still be poor, because I spend all day on Reddit and never leave my house for a girl to even make that judgement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y0rfg/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_a_girl_found_me/
%
Welcome to Masturbation Addicts Anonymous!

I see everyone came today, which is disappointing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y0pl1/welcome_to_masturbation_addicts_anonymous/
%
"The car won't start," said a conscious wife to her beloved husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y0p99/the_car_wont_start_said_a_conscious_wife_to_her/
%
Just burned 2,000 calories

That’s the last time I leave cookies in the oven while I nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y0oxg/just_burned_2000_calories/
%
Why did the slave go to college?

To pick up his master’s degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y0m5u/why_did_the_slave_go_to_college/
%
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."

A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y0fwo/two_prostitutes_were_riding_around_town_with_a/
%
If the Beast got Febreeze for his lady's room...

...would that make him the Fresh Prince of Belle's Air?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y0fn6/if_the_beast_got_febreeze_for_his_ladys_room/
%
My friend died

because I couldn't remember his blood type. As he was dying he kept telling me to be positive, but it's really hard you know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y0f7u/my_friend_died/
%
A father and a mother have three children. One day the first child comes up and says...

"Father. Mother. Why is my name Rose?"
And the Father says, "When you were born, a rose petal fell on your head." The child nods and goes away the second oldest then starts wondering about her name so she goes up to her father.
"Father why is my name Raina?"
"Because when you were born a rain drop fell on your head."
Then the third child comes up. "Ruuuuhhhhh hahdiehakidonw"
"SHUT UP, BRICK!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8y0agz/a_father_and_a_mother_have_three_children_one_day/
%
People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian..

Well they're not laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xzy5t/people_used_to_laugh_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted/
%
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xzx3u/an_irishman_goes_into_the_confessional_box_after/
%
A neutron walks into a bar and asks "How much for a drink?"

The bartender says "For you, no charge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xzvx6/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_how_much_for/
%
A man walks into a bar

and really needs to shit. He asks the bartender to use the bathroom and is given directions. He walks in and sees a regular toilet and a gorgeous golden one. So the man plops down on the golden one and has the most glorious shit he's ever had.
The next day he goes into the same bar and does it again, this shit being better than the last. The third day he goes in and there's only the plain white toilet. He walks out and asks the bartender where the gold toilet went. The bartender looks at him and then yells "hey Frank, I found the fucker that's been shitting in your tuba!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xzvvc/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xzv1x/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for/
%
if I had a dollar for everytime socialism was succesful, I'd have 0$

Which is funny because if it did work, I'd also have 0$

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xzuky/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_everytime_socialism_was/
%
When I will die..

.. I want to do it sleeping in quiet like my grandfather did..
..not screaming from fear like the passengers of his bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xzsht/when_i_will_die/
%
Two drunk guys walking down the road....

Two drunk guys walking down the road and they meet two guys coming the other way carrying a massive salmon.
The drunk guys asked “where did you get that huge fish”
They replied “We went to the bridge, he held me over by my ankles and I caught the fish as it swam past”
The drunk guys think what a great idea and run off to the nearest bridge.
Drunk guy 1 starts holding drunk guy 2 over the bridge by his ankles. After a few minutes he asks, “caught anything yet, my arms are getting tired?”
“Nope, give it a minute”
Few minutes later drunk guy 1 asks again” caught anything yet?”
“Nope, just another minute”
10 seconds later drunk guy 2 starts shouting “PULL ME UP! PULL ME UP!”
“Why have you caught a fish??”
“NO, there is a train coming!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xznzq/two_drunk_guys_walking_down_the_road/
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What does a werewolf YouTuber say?

Be sure to lycan subscribe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xzn6u/what_does_a_werewolf_youtuber_say/
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Hulk Hogan: Doc, I had to struggle through manic-depression all my career!

Therapist: Are you saying you had to wrestle mania?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xzi60/hulk_hogan_doc_i_had_to_struggle_through/
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What did the anti-social frog with no friends say?

Reddit reddit reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xzbo6/what_did_the_antisocial_frog_with_no_friends_say/
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I was in my local pub yesterday talking to a bloke.

Him: "Yesterday my wife left me for my best friend..."
Me: "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, what a bitch. How long has he been your best friend?"
Him: "Since yesterday!! Drinks are on me lads!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xz9lr/i_was_in_my_local_pub_yesterday_talking_to_a_bloke/
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The monastery

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception. "The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound. "The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound. But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xz6p2/the_monastery/
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Had to go see HR about having an erection at my desk.

Explained that I was just hard at work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xz620/had_to_go_see_hr_about_having_an_erection_at_my/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xz5yy/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher:

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xz5rs/a_kung_fu_student_asks_his_teacher/
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That Military Documentary series on Japan in WW2 was really good...

...Unfortunately it never survived past the Pilot episode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xz5q0/that_military_documentary_series_on_japan_in_ww2/
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Which high-ranking Cardassian did Sisko find easiest to fool?

It wasn't Gul Dukat... it was Gul Ebahl!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xz01e/which_highranking_cardassian_did_sisko_find/
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How does Moses makes coffee ?

He brews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xyyuf/how_does_moses_makes_coffee/
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What’s the difference between America and a yoghurt?

If you leave a yoghurt for 200 years it’ll develop a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xyxr0/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_a_yoghurt/
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An attractive woman is in bed with her secret lover.

She hears her husband come home unexpectedly and tells her naked lover to jump into the wardrobe and hides his clothes. The husband walks into the bedroom to find his wife reading. “Hello honey, I got off work early and went to the gym, I desperately need a shower”. He opened the wardrobe door to get a towel and saw the naked man standing there smiling at him. “Good afternoon sir, I’m your friendly neighbourhood moth catcher” said the guy. The husband looks at him and screams “But you’re naked”. The naked man look up and down his body in surprise and says “The hungry little bastards”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xywk2/an_attractive_woman_is_in_bed_with_her_secret/
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What is Deja Vu?

The feeling you get whenever you come to /r/jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xyv1s/what_is_deja_vu/
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A pilot is flying a small one-seater plane over southern Africa in 1960...

when suddenly, his navigation equipment stops functioning. Because he has a general idea of where to go, he decides to keep flying.
Several hours pass, and the pilot is getting worried. He's running low on fuel, and doesn't have any idea where he is. He decides that he will land at the next runway/radio tower he finds, but will make sure it's okay to land first.
Fortunately, within ten minutes he picks up a nearby radio tower on his transmitter, and hails them. "Can you help me, please? I've been flying for hours, my navigation is shot, and I'd really like to land and refuel. First, I need to know what country this is - I don't want to be landing in some hostile area."
The radio tower operator replies, but the pilot immediately gets very angry. "Well, of course I do! What kind of country is this where you poke fun at exhausted pilots? If you're going to be like that, I'll just find my own way, thank you very much!" And he flies off.
Now, the radio tower operator's friend had walked in in the middle of this conversation, and had only heard the pilot's angry response. "What was that about?" he asks the operator.
"Well, I'm not 100&#37; sure. The guy said he wanted to know what country we were in because he had been flying a long time and wanted to land."
"What did you tell him?"
"Bechuanaland."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xyujp/a_pilot_is_flying_a_small_oneseater_plane_over/
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A friend gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday..

I couldn't find words to thank him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xyuj1/a_friend_gave_me_a_really_cheap_dictionary_for_my/
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Three unwritten rules to quality shitposting

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xyttf/three_unwritten_rules_to_quality_shitposting/
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An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xytol/an_old_man_placed_an_order_for_one_hamburger/
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[Long] Trying to find a date had been really difficult for me recently

I’d been having some mental health issues lately  and so my doctor prescribed me with some pills to help treat them. Unfortunately they had the unavoidable side affect of making me hallucinate.
My daily routine didn’t change that much, but it did have a huge affect on my dating game. Every date I went on would be cut short by hallucinations of monsters and demons right behind whoever I was with.
One time though while browsing dating websites, I came across this woman with an interesting clause in her profile: must have face hidden at all times.
I was intrigued! I messaged her about meaning for a coffee and to get to know one another. Given that she was being honest about her desire to not be seen I thought I too would be honest about my hallucinations. To my surprise she agreed to meet me.
We met at a local cafe and when I arrived i saw her sitting in the corner with a large price of cardboard placed on the table, concealing her identity. Despite her appearance being hidden, we hit it off right away.
After that we went on several dates together and each time the cardboard covering her face got smaller and smaller. After a while I no longer cared about the cardboard and had almost no interest in seeing what her actual face looked like.
A little after that I started to notice a change in her demeanour, she became quieter and sounded less cheerful. The cardboard also remained the same size and showed no sign of changing.
I was starting to get worried about her so during one of our dates I questioned her about her change in mood.
Almost immediately she burst into tears and when I asked her what was wrong she smacked me square in the face. I turned back to her to try and console her but as a brought my head around I saw she no longer had anything in front of her face.
I was very confused. I asked her what had happened to her cardboard. Through her tears she stared at me with a puzzled look.
In between her gulps and sobs she managed to produce a response “I *sob* h-haven’t used *sob* the c-cardboard in w-weeks *sob*”
At that point she stood up and ran off.
Suddenly, it clicked with me. I had hallucinated her cardboard!
I didn’t care what she looked like without it so when she actually took it away... my brain didn’t register it.
It’s a shame really.
I always thought there was something between us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xysl5/long_trying_to_find_a_date_had_been_really/
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Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night.....

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xypwj/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_night/
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Did you hear about the scarecrow that got promoted?

He was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xypll/did_you_hear_about_the_scarecrow_that_got_promoted/
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If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me unattractive

They’d soon find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xyp7w/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_a_girl_found_me/
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How do kitchen appliances greet each other?

They micro-wave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xynep/how_do_kitchen_appliances_greet_each_other/
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My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xyg37/my_friends_laughed_at_me_when_i_told_them_i_had_a/
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What's the difference between the Thai cave boys and English football?

The boys are coming home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xyfuj/whats_the_difference_between_the_thai_cave_boys/
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A snail walks into a car dealership

It takes a look at the new sportscar. The salesman says the snail would look pretty cool in the new sportscar and the snail agrees.
Salesman then asked the snail about option packages, rustproofing etc. The snail says no to everything offered, but says he wants one thing done to the car...to have 'S' painted all over the car. Salesman, confused, asks why would you want 'S' painted all over your brand new sportscar??? Snail replies "So when I drive by, everybody will say look at that 'S' car go...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xycv5/a_snail_walks_into_a_car_dealership/
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I was walking along when I saw a sign on a door that said 'Pet Shop'.

So I gave it a little stroke and carried on walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xyb6s/i_was_walking_along_when_i_saw_a_sign_on_a_door/
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3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again.
He told them, "We have reached".
The 1st guy gave him money and the 2nd guy said "thank you".
The 3rd guy gave the driver a slap.
The driver was shocked, thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did.
"What was that for???", he asked.
The 3rd guy replied:
"Next time, drive slowly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xya77/3_drunk_guys_entered_a_taxi/
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I only just discovered that a 'walnut' is a food.

And isn't what you get when you stick your penis through a glory hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xy8uf/i_only_just_discovered_that_a_walnut_is_a_food/
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A Man Is Driving Down a Highway, When He Sees a Priest Hitchhiking

So, being a good catholic, he picks him up. They drive a bit further down the highway, when the man then spots a well-known lawyer hitchhiking as well. Remembering that this man represented his ex wife during their divorce, an impulse of anger causes him to aim his car right at the lawyer. He then recalls the priest in his car, and at the last minute, swerves to miss him. The man then turns to the priest and says, "Father, forgive me, I nearly hit that lawyer!"
The Priest responds with, "Don't worry, my son, I got him with the door!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xy2va/a_man_is_driving_down_a_highway_when_he_sees_a/
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I had a polish cleaner helping around the house, it took them 4 hours to clean the front room carpet.

It turns out she was a slo-vak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xy2f8/i_had_a_polish_cleaner_helping_around_the_house/
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A Jamaican man was recently employed in a butchers...

...one of his jobs that night was to prepare bacon sandwiches for the next morning but he ended up wasted on a 6 pack of beer and when he sampled the bacon he found it to be too delicious and ended up scoffing the whole lot.
In the morning when the owner asked to try a sandwich, the guy panicked and went into the back, crushed up the now empty 6 pack and placed it between 2 slices of bread.
The manager takes a bite and immediately spits it out, "What the hell is this supposed to be?"
The Jamaican guy responds, "It's a beer-can sandwich, man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxwbf/a_jamaican_man_was_recently_employed_in_a_butchers/
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A man walks into work with two black eyes.

His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxuzv/a_man_walks_into_work_with_two_black_eyes/
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A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam.

The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxskt/a_drunk_goes_in_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_shot_of_jim/
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What is the most dangerous lesbian sex move?

Running with scissors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxs3n/what_is_the_most_dangerous_lesbian_sex_move/
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I said I was the son of God

They said “No way!”
I said “Yahweh!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxrx9/i_said_i_was_the_son_of_god/
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You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave....

One of them would have known how to dive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxrg8/you_would_think_with_an_entire_soccer_team_stuck/
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A couple on the first date.

She: What are your hobbies?
He (gets a stuffed hamster out of his pocket): Taxidermy.
Hamster: And ventriloquism!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxrbp/a_couple_on_the_first_date/
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Heard a boat was capsized the other day

Didn't think it would be that small

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxpc7/heard_a_boat_was_capsized_the_other_day/
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Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxowq/fishermen_hate_himyoull_never_guess_this_one/
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LongSo, I got married once..

To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. Wife isn't a hippy or anything and I'm not a huge fan, but fuck it, I promised her. Fast forward 10 years. Love comes back from school crying. I ask her what's wrong. Says she is being bullied because of her name. I cheer her up with some ice cream. Problem solved and best dad award achieved. Fast Forward 7 more years. Love has turned into a 9/10. She dresses normal. Always wears red nail polish. But she is shy, very shy. She is still mocked constantly because of her not so ordinary name. She comes home from school one day, obviously disturbed. I ask her if it's about her name. She says nothing and just kisses me on the cheek and leaves. First time she has kissed me since she was a baby. Just wasn't her thing. Then, I hear my wife pulling in. She is home early from work. I hear the door open from daughter's room. The door then opens from garage. Loud blast goes off directly behind me. I fall to the ground. Wife looks at me and screams. I look down and see bullet through my chest. Love says something about her name. I look up at my still beautiful wife and I say: Shot through the heart And you're to blame You gave Love ...a bad name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxms0/longso_i_got_married_once/
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A bank is a place that will lend you money

if you can prove that you don’t need it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxljv/a_bank_is_a_place_that_will_lend_you_money/
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I went to the therapist for my fear of ghosts

*After few weeks*
Me:I have conquered my fear of ghosts
Therapist:Good, that's the spirit
Me:Oh shit, where?
PS:Stole this from Twitter;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxl71/i_went_to_the_therapist_for_my_fear_of_ghosts/
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Two men are playing golf.

One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments:
"That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man."
The man, recovering himself, replies,
"Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxejz/two_men_are_playing_golf/
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A horse walks into a bar...

Bartender says "Why such a long face?"
Horse replies "I just found out I have AIDS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxc7g/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xxbjp/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans

He really is the king of pop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xx9n4/a_soda_company_printed_michael_jackson_on_all_of/
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A computer once beat me in chess

But it was no match for me in kick-boxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xx69j/a_computer_once_beat_me_in_chess/
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Three men were sentenced to death.

The day of their execution arrives, the first man was hanged but fortunately the rope loosens and he fells into the water below the platform. The same happens with the second man. It was now the turn of the third man, but before reaching to the pole he requests the person in charge, "You better tighten that rope of yours because I don't know how to swim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xx5cn/three_men_were_sentenced_to_death/
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How do you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?

They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xx4oh/how_do_you_tell_if_an_ant_is_a_boy_or_a_girl/
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What’s the difference between an NFL player and football player?

When you pat an NFL player on the shoulder, they feel better. But the other gets hospitalized right away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xwy97/whats_the_difference_between_an_nfl_player_and/
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And lord told upon John "come forth and get eternal life"

...but John came fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xwxk0/and_lord_told_upon_john_come_forth_and_get/
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Stevie Wonder's playing an intimate gig in a little Japanese club. Before he starts he asks for any requests.

A little Japanese man at the front jumps up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"
Impressed by the little man's knowledge of his musical history and prowess, Stevie and the band crack into a 5 minute Jazz extravaganza in F#.
As they finish the little man is still jumping up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!".
Perturbed but determined to impress, Stevie leads the band into another 5 minute jam in C minor.
As they come to a close the little man shouts again "No! Pray a Jazz Chord!"
Pissed off at this point Stevie shouts at the little man telling him if he thinks he can do better to come up an play himself!
The little man climbs up on stage and sits at the piano, and as he starts to play he sings:
"A jazz chord, to say, I ruuuuv youuuuu"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xwr38/stevie_wonders_playing_an_intimate_gig_in_a/
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My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xwr1h/my_marriage_is_over/
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I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....

Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xwlsm/im_glad_the_cave_rescue_is_complete/
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Son to father: Do all fairytales begin with, “Once upon a time?”

Father to son:
No, some begin with, “if elected I promise…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xwliq/son_to_father_do_all_fairytales_begin_with_once/
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an irish girl confesses shes a prostitute to her father

at first he gets stupid angry starts yelling at her, how could she betray him, calls her all kinds of names including soup taker. She looks confused at this and asks her father to accompany her to confession. Her dad stares at her for a moment and then he hugs her, crying tears of relief. The he says, "I thought you said you were a protestant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xwej3/an_irish_girl_confesses_shes_a_prostitute_to_her/
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Hey, Hans!

During World War I, the Germans and the Americans are engaged in trench warfare. There's a lull in the fighting due to lack of supplies on both sides.
One of the Americans, bored with the lack of action, turns to his buddy and says, "hey, what's a common German name?"
His buddy replies, "I don't know. Hans?"
The American responds and says, "watch this," he calls out, "hey! Hans!"
Hans, being a friendly fellow, hears his name and pops up from behind the trench, "yeah?"
*bang* Hans gets shot in the shoulder. The Germans can hear the Americans laughing on the other side.
After Hans gets patched up by the medic, and getting incessantly made fun of by his buddies in their trench, he decides he's going to get back at the Americans.
"Hey," Hans says, "what's a common American name?"
Laughing, one of the guys says, "Tom."
Hans peeks over the trench, aiming his rifle at the American line, and yells out, "Hey, Tom!"
From the American side, Hans hears, "is that you, Hans?"
Hans pops up and yells, "yeah!"
*bang*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xwdqb/hey_hans/
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My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill...

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xwdd4/my_dad_gave_me_money_to_pay_the_electricity_bill/
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Whats blue and fucks grannies?

Tobias Funke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xwd7k/whats_blue_and_fucks_grannies/
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If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:

Liver damage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xw97d/if_croatia_loses_tomorrow_all_of_england_will/
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A man calls his local Chick-fil-A and asks: "Do you serve gays?" The employee responds "No sir..."

"We serve chicken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xw8un/a_man_calls_his_local_chickfila_and_asks_do_you/
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A lady walks into a supermarket and asks a worker for a pound of tomatoes

The worker replies “I’m sorry lady we don’t have any more tomatoes left”
The lady replies “that’s okay, I’ll do my shopping and come back”
The lady returns to the same worker with a half basket of groceries and asks “excuse me sir, I need a pound of tomatoes”
The worker again tells her “I’m sorry ma’am, the truck didn’t come today, we don’t have any tomatoes”
The lady replies “okay, I’ll finish my shopping and come back”
The lady returns once again and asks the worker “sir, I need a pound of tomatoes please”
The worker says “listen lady, what do you get if you take the ‘grape’ out of grape fruit”
Confused the lady replies “fruit”
“And what do you get if you take the ‘water’ out of ‘watermelon”
“Melon” she replies
“And what do you get when you take ‘the fuck’ out of ‘tomatoes?”
“There is no fuck in tomatoes”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xw8gu/a_lady_walks_into_a_supermarket_and_asks_a_worker/
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I'm a virgin by choice!

Just not my choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xw866/im_a_virgin_by_choice/
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Why do married men always die before their wife’s ?

Because they want to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xw1eu/why_do_married_men_always_die_before_their_wifes/
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What's the difference between a hillbilly and a redneck?

Sunscreen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xw0nj/whats_the_difference_between_a_hillbilly_and_a/
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"Now son, if you masturbate you'll go blind."

"Dad I'm over here..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvycl/now_son_if_you_masturbate_youll_go_blind/
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A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.

They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. The statistician drops his rifle and happily shouts, "WE GOT IT!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvwiv/a_physicist_a_biologist_and_a_statistician_go/
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A man goes to the dry cleaner’s and says, “Hey buddy, can I get this dress cleaned?”

Dry cleaner guy, taking off his earphones: Come again?
Man: No, mustard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvv2i/a_man_goes_to_the_dry_cleaners_and_says_hey_buddy/
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[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”
“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man
“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”
“Well, what about your patch eye?”
“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the poop deck and a seagull pooped in me eye!”
“A seagull pooped in your eye? That can’t take an eye out.”
“Arrr, but you’ve got to remember, it was the first day with the hook.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvtam/long_a_man_notices_a_pirate_and_asks_him_excuse/
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[NSFW] What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvt9h/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_mugger_and_a/
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My wife just left me because of my anxiety and paranoia.

Nevermind, she just returned from the shops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvr34/my_wife_just_left_me_because_of_my_anxiety_and/
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I’m not sure why TSA agents tackled me at the airport.

All I did was say hi to my friend Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvqtl/im_not_sure_why_tsa_agents_tackled_me_at_the/
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My sister has been pregnant for a long time...

It seems like a maternity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvpz8/my_sister_has_been_pregnant_for_a_long_time/
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I removed the shell from my racing snail thinking he'd be faster..

He's actually more sluggish now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvnpr/i_removed_the_shell_from_my_racing_snail_thinking/
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A marsupial fixed me an aromatic beverage, by pouring hot water over cured leaves and it was absolutely delightful! I asked how it was possible to make something so awesome at this level and he responded...

"It’s koala tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvmsw/a_marsupial_fixed_me_an_aromatic_beverage_by/
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A man goes to confession to tell the priest he used a terrible word.

The priest asks him what happened.
The man says he was playing golf and hit a beautiful drive, but it sliced into the woods.
The priest asks, “is that when you said the bad word,” and the man says , “no Father, the ball hit a tree and ricocheted out of the woods but went into a sand trap” and the priest says “oh, I see, so that’s when you said the bad word” and the man says “no father, the ball hit a rake and bounced onto the green within a foot of the cup”
And the priest slaps his forehead and yells “DON’T TELL ME YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvk8p/a_man_goes_to_confession_to_tell_the_priest_he/
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A moth goes into a podiatrist's office.

and the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly Doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexandria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregorio Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good."
And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”
-Norm MacDonald's Limo Driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvjlj/a_moth_goes_into_a_podiatrists_office/
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I saw a sign that said “falling rocks”

so I tried and it doesn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvfpe/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_falling_rocks/
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How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in and another to sing about how much he misses the old one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvevr/how_many_country_singers_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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People say time is money

Well I don’t buy that for a second

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xvcmi/people_say_time_is_money/
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Why do Paedophiles never win races?

They like to come in a little behind...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xv9tr/why_do_paedophiles_never_win_races/
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Where do amputees like to shop?

The second hand store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xv7fo/where_do_amputees_like_to_shop/
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I was going to make a Nintendo joke...

But it was a Wii too hard for Mii to think it up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xv1be/i_was_going_to_make_a_nintendo_joke/
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Boss when I arrived late this morning: "You should have been here 3 hours ago!"

"Why? What happened?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xux4o/boss_when_i_arrived_late_this_morning_you_should/
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Why did the Irishman only eat 239 beans?

If he’d had one more it would have been too farty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xuwrx/why_did_the_irishman_only_eat_239_beans/
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A man walks in to a medical clinic and asks to see a doctor. The receptionist makes him an appointment. “How about 10 tomorrow?”

Man: “I don’t need that many”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xua3w/a_man_walks_in_to_a_medical_clinic_and_asks_to/
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A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident

He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xu8no/a_man_wakes_up_in_the_hospital_after_a_serious/
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What do you call two rainy days in a row in Seattle?

A weekend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xu5wo/what_do_you_call_two_rainy_days_in_a_row_in/
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Viagra is getting ready to lose their patent.

It’s a hard pill to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xu5ke/viagra_is_getting_ready_to_lose_their_patent/
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A man walked home and discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.

He was de-lighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xu4dh/a_man_walked_home_and_discovered_that_someone_had/
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What's the difference between a formally dressed person on a tricycle and a poorly dressed person on a bicycle?

A tire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xu1dx/whats_the_difference_between_a_formally_dressed/
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When I die, I want my remains scattered throughout Disneyland.

I also don’t want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xtv0f/when_i_die_i_want_my_remains_scattered_throughout/
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Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xtu87/father_son_you_were_adopted/
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I just can't draw blood

With this orange crayon.
It isn't sharp enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xts6z/i_just_cant_draw_blood/
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Had a bet going with a friend over who would be the first to get those kids out of that cave, Elon Musk or the Navy SEALs...

...He said Elon Musk, I said it would be a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xtq23/had_a_bet_going_with_a_friend_over_who_would_be/
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Whu can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they're extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xtoun/whu_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
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My penis will go to the moon

Not because it is easy, but because it is hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xtoda/my_penis_will_go_to_the_moon/
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The guy who invented the vape died today.

He will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xtkym/the_guy_who_invented_the_vape_died_today/
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Confucius say, man who walks through airport turnstiles sideways...

Is going to Bangkok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xtk5t/confucius_say_man_who_walks_through_airport/
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What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xtjgb/whats_the_difference_between_thailand_and_america/
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The Pope and Trump are in front of a large crowd

The Pope leaned over to Trump and whispered in his ear, “With one wave of my hand everyone in this room will rejoice.”
Trump whispered back, “Prove it.”
So the Pope raised his hand and slapped him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xtjex/the_pope_and_trump_are_in_front_of_a_large_crowd/
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Joseph Stalin is walking through a small town when he came upon a little girl

Joseph Stalin was walking through a small town when he came upon a little girl sitting in the doorway of a house. He smiled at her and said "Little girl, do you know who I am?"
The little girl gives him a blank stare.
"You really don't know? I'm the one who gave you everything you have!"
The little girl's face lights up, and she runs into the house shouting "Mum! Mum! Uncle Ivan is home from America!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xthr8/joseph_stalin_is_walking_through_a_small_town/
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What do you call electronic grass on Mars?

An e-lawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xtfx0/what_do_you_call_electronic_grass_on_mars/
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What do German girls call getting divorced and remarried?

A Herr transplant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xtfta/what_do_german_girls_call_getting_divorced_and/
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Why was the dog sad on his birthday?

Because it was the first time anyone remembered in 7 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xta10/why_was_the_dog_sad_on_his_birthday/
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What’s a pirates favorite letter?

Argh many people will say r but it’s the sea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xt8e1/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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What do you call it when a tornado hit's a cattle feed lot?

A shit storm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xt8cb/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_tornado_hits_a_cattle/
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Now that all the Thai boys were rescued, we can now joke about the situation.

But please, don't everybody go at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xt323/now_that_all_the_thai_boys_were_rescued_we_can/
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One fall, a farmer is cutting firewood

He spends all day cutting logs and splitting them and stacking them, and as he's winding down for the day he sees an elderly Indian watching him silently from over the fence. So he goes over and says "How?" and the Indian says "How. Gottum smoke?" and the farmer hands over a pouch of tobacco, and the Indian fills his pipe, lights up, blows a big cloud of smoke contentedly and remarks "Winter be cold this year".
Thinking himself lucky to get such a hint, the farmer sets aside a second day for cutting firewood, and by the end of the day he has a massive logpile stacked up at the back of the house, and he notices the same old Indian watching him again. So, unasked, the farmer hands over some tobacco and the Indian helps himself, lights up, and says "Winter be *plenty* cold this year".
So the farmer spends a third day cutting firewood, and by the time he's done his hands  are worked nearly to the bone, his saw and his axe are both in need of a good sharpening, but he has a colossal logpile all around two sides of the house, and when he sees the Indian he goes over, gives him more tobacco, and the Indian comments "Winter be *heap damn* cold this year."
At which the farmer asks the Indian "Sir, how is it that you know winter will be so cold?", and the Indian draws afresh on his pipe and gives him a look that suggests still another gift of tobacco would be in order... and when the farmer obliges, the Indian says confidentially, "Winter always cold when white man cut much firewood".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xt27g/one_fall_a_farmer_is_cutting_firewood/
%
I didn't want Belgium to win

I wanted France Toulouse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xsxuv/i_didnt_want_belgium_to_win/
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Her: If I were the last human on earth, would you date me?

Him: Well I'd be dead, so no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xsr61/her_if_i_were_the_last_human_on_earth_would_you/
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Little Jimmy has spent the last few days eating over his friends house...

The first night, he ate dinner over the McNally's house. The table was set and before everyone ate, they all said a prayer.
On the second night, he ate dinner at the Goldman's house. The table was set and before anyone ate, they all said a prayer.
On the third night, little Little Jimmy went over the Vitali's house. Mamma Vitali and her daughters set the table and immediately everyone started to eat.
Shocked, Jimmy asks his friend Anthony,
"Hey Anthony, how come you guys don't pray before you eat?
Anthony replies with a mouth full of pasta,
"We're Italian, my mom knows how to cook!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xsihm/little_jimmy_has_spent_the_last_few_days_eating/
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Can February March?

No but April May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xsfje/can_february_march/
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I told my Brother, "My wife ran off yesterday with my Best friend Joe."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then said. "Since when is Joe your best friend?"
I looked back and replied "Since yesterday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xsf3x/i_told_my_brother_my_wife_ran_off_yesterday_with/
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Overweight gold diggers remind me of tech support

They're always trying to clear out your cookies and cache

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xsecz/overweight_gold_diggers_remind_me_of_tech_support/
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What does thanos and marriage has in common?

Both can take away half your shit with a snap of a finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xs7ma/what_does_thanos_and_marriage_has_in_common/
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What do you call a blowjob before sex?

Ahead start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xs4sp/what_do_you_call_a_blowjob_before_sex/
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Good Father John

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister
Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness
if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night
bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun  dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,
and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where
he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to
Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation
was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
'That wicked old Sod, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn,
and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xs3do/good_father_john/
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Preparing for Winter

One year, a young Indian boy was given the task of ensuring the entire village had enough wood for winter. This was the first time he had been given such an honor and he wanted to do it right. Before he went to work he decided to call the weatherman to ask what kind of a winter was to be expected. The weather man told him it was going to be a warm and uneventful winter. The boy thought to himself, ‘this is great. I won’t have to work too hard and I’ll be able to look good in front of the whole tribe.’
Just to be safe, he gathered a few of his friends and they went to work for a week. At the end of the week, after chopping and piling the wood, the boy decided to give the weatherman a second call. The weatherman told him it was going to be a very cold winter. Shocked at this sudden change and not wanting to disappoint the elders of his village, he gathered more of his friends and they went to work. For two weeks they cut and piled wood, hoping that it would be enough to last the whole winter.
Once again the boy called the weatherman and this time the weatherman told him, “Son, its going to be a very bitter, cold and long winter. Maybe the worst winter on record.”
Exasperated, the boy had to ask, “What makes you say that, sir?”
The weatherman replies, “The Indians are gathering wood like crazy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xry4r/preparing_for_winter/
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I've always thought the black erasers never work as well as the lighter colored ones.

Probably because I'm an erase-ist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xry1y/ive_always_thought_the_black_erasers_never_work/
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And old woman and young gunslinger.

An old woman decides to go into an old town for supplies. As she rode up near the store and tied her old mule to the hitch rail and as she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, “Hey Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?”
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance … Never really wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now!” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet…
The old woman prospector –not wanting to get her toe blown off– started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers…
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s behind?”
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No ma’am … But … I’ve always wanted to.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xrv3a/and_old_woman_and_young_gunslinger/
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Gay son

Three succesful men met up in a restaurant for dinner. First one started to talk "You know how my son is a succesful writer?" both men agreed "well he is soo succesful that he bought his best friend a brand new yacht worth 5 million dollars for his birthday last week." both men congratulated him.Second man started to talk. "You know how my son owns that construction business?" both men nooded "well he is so succesful that he bought his best friend a brand new fighting jet, better than those in the us millitary, for his birthday last week" both men congratulated him. Third man started to talk "Well my son is a lawyer, and he soo succesful that he bought his best friend a brand new mansion worth 10 million dollars for his birthday last week" everyone congratulated each other for the succes of their sons when suddenly their friend shows up. "We have all been talking about our sons and their succes, tell us, what does your son do." he looked at them seriously and said "he's the most succesful person here." "What does he do?" asked the three men "He's gay" said the forth man. They all looked at him suprised "what do you mean?" The forth man looked at them and said "Well, just last week on his birthday he got a yacht, a fighter jet and a mansion from his three boyfriends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xrrn1/gay_son/
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FIFA World Cup 2018

A frenchman alks down the street, where he bumps into an Englishman
The Frenchman asks: How are you, what are you up to?"
Englishman: " Ah, nothing much, playing the Croatians in the World Cup tomorrow!"
Frenchman: "What a coincidence...?! We're playing them on Sunday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xrlrg/fifa_world_cup_2018/
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer

Not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xrkpv/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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What do you call a nazi gardener's foot pain?

A fascist planter's Plantar Fasciitis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xrg7s/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_gardeners_foot_pain/
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I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.

But i didn't think it wood work........
so i decided to add some metal work instead,
but i realised it steel wooden work.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xrfh1/i_was_going_to_put_a_joke_on_here_about_carpentry/
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A boy asks his father what politics is

His father, wanting the son think critically, told him "let's make an analogy, i am the backbone family and i am the one that makes money. Therefore i am the business class. Your mother run the economy, so she is the government. The maid is the working class. We serve your interest, so you, my boy, are the citizen. Your baby brother is the future. From this analogy, draw your own conclusion".
The boy think hard but couldn't reach a conclusion.
That night, he wakes up to the crying of his little brother. He check and see that his baby brother wet himself. He go to his parent's bedroom only to find that they are not there. He went down the stairs and finds that both of his parents are angry at the maid. He tried to tell his parents about his brother, but both his mother and father told him to go back to sleep.
The next day, his father ask if he has understood politics and answered, " Politics is when the business class and the government abuses the working class and ignores the citizen while the future is left in a sad state"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xre6f/a_boy_asks_his_father_what_politics_is/
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Jesus walks into a hotel...hands the innkeeper three nails and asks...

Can you put me up for the night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xre2a/jesus_walks_into_a_hotelhands_the_innkeeper_three/
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What does Matthew McConaughey eat when trying to bulk up?

All rice, all rice, all rice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xr91s/what_does_matthew_mcconaughey_eat_when_trying_to/
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I heard from the news that they finally got all the boys out of the cave.

Another happy ending in Thailand, it seems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xr807/i_heard_from_the_news_that_they_finally_got_all/
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I heard the last two kids rescued raced eachother to the end of the cave...

Rescuers reported the race ended in a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xr35c/i_heard_the_last_two_kids_rescued_raced_eachother/
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What happened to Satan’s YouTube channel?

It got demon-itized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xr1q3/what_happened_to_satans_youtube_channel/
%
A man is washing his car with his son...

...after a while the boy says to his Father “Dad, why can’t we just use a sponge?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xr16n/a_man_is_washing_his_car_with_his_son/
%
“I found a terrorist!”

....said no TSA agent ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xr0h1/i_found_a_terrorist/
%
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xqsrx/a_mugger_jumps_out_in_front_of_a_university/
%
Why do all hotdogs look the same?

Because they are in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xqolk/why_do_all_hotdogs_look_the_same/
%
People on Reddit seem to have way too low standards

Everyone keeps calling me OP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xqntw/people_on_reddit_seem_to_have_way_too_low/
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I’m absolutely done with friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xqnt3/im_absolutely_done_with_friends_who_cant_handle/
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I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xqiqj/i_just_got_kicked_out_of_karaoke_night_for/
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Ed Zachery Disease

There once was a very distraught woman, who was upset because she had not had a date in quite some time. She decided she would seek the medical expertise of Dr. Kayoto, the very well-known Japanese sex therapist. After stepping into his office and explaining her problem, he asked her to take off all her clothes.
"Now," he said. "Get down and craw reery reery srory to odder side of room." The woman did.
"Now," he said. "Now craw reery reery fass back to me." The woman did. The Dr. looked at her mournfully and said "I vely solly. Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachery Disease."
"Ed Zachery Disease? What's that?"
"Vewy sad. It's when your face rook Ed Zachery rike your ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xqijk/ed_zachery_disease/
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.!

They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xqfl6/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_were_all_lost/
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I'm making my own Crossword Puzzle but I'm struggling to think up a clue for 3 down, 'Armageddon'.

Ah well, it's not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xqd4r/im_making_my_own_crossword_puzzle_but_im/
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Prisoners are telling jokes

and because they heard all jokes a lot of times, they only say number of certain joke.
"Number 256" says first inmate as the rest of them laughs.
"Number 145" says second one as the rest bursts in laughs.
"Number 323" ,and while all laughs and and get ready to hear the next,one one guy is laughing a lot longer then rest.
Everyone is looking at him when someone ask him why he laughs so much.
He replies:"It's the first time i heard this one ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xqbq7/prisoners_are_telling_jokes/
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I lost my mood ring today.

I'm not sure how  I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xq9p4/i_lost_my_mood_ring_today/
%
David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on.

Agent: Sure David. No hassle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xq8wb/david_hasselhoff_told_his_agent_that_he_wants_to/
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Just had lunch at the Pelican Cafe...

the food was good but the bill was enormous!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xq6a7/just_had_lunch_at_the_pelican_cafe/
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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xq4ia/two_men_are_drinking_in_a_bar_at_the_top_of_the/
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Asked the Priest for forgiveness because I ate a dog today.

He said I would suffer eternal dalmatian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xq3b6/asked_the_priest_for_forgiveness_because_i_ate_a/
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How do you catch a Grizzly without traps?

With your bear hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xq32j/how_do_you_catch_a_grizzly_without_traps/
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Old Man Goes to The Doctor

(This is my own joke so it shouldn't be a repost.)
An Old man goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, my wife keeps complaining to me that I don't make love to her anymore. I keep telling her that at my age its not easy, but the complaining never stops. So here I am."
The doctor prescribes him some Viagra and tells him to come back after a month to follow up.
A month later, the old man comes back, and he is beaming. Doctor asks him how hes doing.
"I'm great doc. No stress at all."
Doc: "I'm glad that you finally sorted out your sex life"
Old man: "Sex life? No doc. I just pop a pill in each ear and I don't her the bitch complaining anymore".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xq06h/old_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Why did the coffee taste like mud?

Because it was ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xpv6q/why_did_the_coffee_taste_like_mud/
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So a guy meets a woman at a bar..

Things are going well for the two of them, so the guy says "let's go back to my place. It's only a block away." The woman agrees, and as they're about to leave, the guy says, "I just want you to know, I want to do something a little..kinky." The woman agrees again, and up to his place they go. Things get hot and heavy, and they have sex in a very conventional way: missionary position, nothing fancy. When they're done, the woman excuses herself to go to the bathroom and tidy herself up. When she gets out, she says to the guy "you know, that was great, and I really enjoyed myself, but I thought you said you wanted to do something kinky?" "Oh yeah. While you were in the bathroom, I took a shit in your purse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xptal/so_a_guy_meets_a_woman_at_a_bar/
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There is no "f" in lieutenant

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.
“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”
“I was told there was.”
“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”
“I’m pretty sure there is.”
The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”
“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”
“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”
“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant.”
Edit 2: Up to #5!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xppz6/there_is_no_f_in_lieutenant/
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While driving through the Australian outback, an English tourist noticed a man at the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few miles further down the road, he came to a small dusty town.
So he parked his car, and went into the town pub for a drink.
He sat there enjoying a nice cold beer, and looking around the bar.
Suddenly, he noticed a one-legged man sitting over at a corner table, masturbating.
The English tourist turned to the barman and said, "What kind of a country is this? A few miles down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo, and now I see that guy in the corner masturbating in full view of everyone."
The barman said, "You heartless bastard! He's only got one leg. How do you expect him to ever catch a kangaroo?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xpkbm/while_driving_through_the_australian_outback_an/
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A rancher was at the edge of his property one day, looking over his fence.

The rails looked great but water near the base had caused the fenceposts to rot and weaken.  He took a picture of the fence, uploaded it to Imgur, and linked to it from r/jokes.
"Welp, that oughta do it," he said to himself.  "Just gotta give it a couple of days and it'll be reposted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xpixp/a_rancher_was_at_the_edge_of_his_property_one_day/
%
I took my son the park to play when we stumbled across two dogs mating.....

My son being the adorable curious little guy he is stopped stared and asked me
“what are them doggies doing daddy?”
Now me being a modern father wanted to enlighten my boy with real world facts and information....... however also being an easily embarrassed stumbling fool of a man I blurted out instead
“Oh they’re just making cakes....... let’s go on the swings”
He looked inquisitively at the dogs and then back at me then back at the dogs and finally back to me, raised his little cherub face and said
“You and mummy was making cakes last night wasn’t you daddy”
This time I wasn’t going to screw it up I was going to be cool kept it real  and told him the truth
“Yes son me and your mummy was making cakes last night, how do you know?’
His faces beamed with pleasure and with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen he said
“I know because I licked the icing of the sofa’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xpg2d/i_took_my_son_the_park_to_play_when_we_stumbled/
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What do you call a dumb A.I.?

Artificial Imbecile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xpev1/what_do_you_call_a_dumb_ai/
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I heard the FBI and NSA is rejoicing at the rescue of those Thai students.

Now they can go back to monitoring Redditor accounts for "Thai, boys, deep, hole, wet, rubber face mask and sedatives" without all those pesky false positives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xpclg/i_heard_the_fbi_and_nsa_is_rejoicing_at_the/
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If I Would Stand Outside At Night And Shout "I Am Horny Any Female Around?"

**I'll Probably Get Arrested, But The Cricket Does It Every Night and nobody minds**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xp9j1/if_i_would_stand_outside_at_night_and_shout_i_am/
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Just another shitty joke.

Never fart in an Apple store.
Because they don't have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xp870/just_another_shitty_joke/
%
I had a real breakthrough this morning.

We have GOT to stop buying this cheap toilet paper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xp7lw/i_had_a_real_breakthrough_this_morning/
%
My friend was surprised when I said I hadn't heard about the kids in Thailand being rescued

Where have you been? Living in a cave?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xp2u2/my_friend_was_surprised_when_i_said_i_hadnt_heard/
%
What do you call a dinosaur drinking tea?

A Chaiceratops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xoyms/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_drinking_tea/
%
My socially anxious friend got a PhD in palindromes.

He now goes by the title 'Dr Awkward'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xowg3/my_socially_anxious_friend_got_a_phd_in/
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One day at a sex shop.

A brunette comes in and asks “How much for your black dildos?”
The guy says “30 bucks”
“And how much for your white dildos?” asks the lady.
Again the man says “30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white”
So she takes the black one and leaves.
A while later a redhead comes in to the store and asks “How much for your white dildos?”
The man responds “30 bucks”
She asks “And how much for your black dildos?”
“30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black” replies the man.
So she takes the white one leaves.
About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks “How much are your dildos?”
The guys says “All our dildos are 30 bucks”
Then she looks up at a shelf and asks “How much for that green one?”
The man responds “Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $100”
The blonde agrees and takes it.
Later that day the boss comes in and asks “So how were sales today?”
The man says “I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and a 2-liter bottle of mountain dew for $100!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xottu/one_day_at_a_sex_shop/
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Two intoxicated women stopped to pee in a cemetery...

...after a long night out drinking and partying.
The first woman squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn’t have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.
The second woman squats down near a gravestone and starts to pee. She also realizes she has nothing to wipe with. She sees her friend use her panties but she thinks to herself, “I’m not using my panties, these are expensive! Victoria’s Secret is nothing to throw away.” So she grabs a ribbon off the near by grave and wipes herself.
The next morning the husbands of the women call each other. The first woman's husband says, “Man my wife came home with no panties on and can’t remember anything.” The second husband says, “That’s nothing dude, my wife came home with a ribbon stuck to her ass saying "We will never forget you!", signed by Juan, Carlos, Pepe, Jeremy, and the whole National Guard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xos90/two_intoxicated_women_stopped_to_pee_in_a_cemetery/
%
According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xor46/according_to_physics_light_travels_faster_sound/
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Why couldn’t the commie find the fascist?

They were looking too far left while the other one was far right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xokh5/why_couldnt_the_commie_find_the_fascist/
%
What's the difference between IKEA and Theresa May?

A cabinet designed by IKEA doesn't fall apart so easily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xok7n/whats_the_difference_between_ikea_and_theresa_may/
%
A lawyer walked into a bar.

He passed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xojux/a_lawyer_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Two rednecks are talking about their sex lives.

"Ma first time was with ma sister and ma cousin!" Billy Joel Cletus exclaims proudly. "What?! Yer first time was a threesome?" Bobby Floyd-Wilson asks. "Nope," says Billy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xoh5f/two_rednecks_are_talking_about_their_sex_lives/
%
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.
So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?" The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xod6n/a_little_old_lady_wanted_to_join_a_biker_club/
%
My children's chess addiction is getting out of hand.

But I have managed to keep them in check so far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xobqg/my_childrens_chess_addiction_is_getting_out_of/
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I made fun of an art college student with drool hanging off his face...

He decided to draw my caricature and had passers by vandalise it with mucus to teach me a lesson.
It was the spitting image of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xo4fz/i_made_fun_of_an_art_college_student_with_drool/
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Why did Johnny drop his lollipop?

Because he got hit by a truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xo2ci/why_did_johnny_drop_his_lollipop/
%
After 3 years, the wife starts to think...

...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.
Husband: Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, “Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xny5a/after_3_years_the_wife_starts_to_think/
%
What do you call a clam that lifts?

A hoyster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xny0u/what_do_you_call_a_clam_that_lifts/
%
If kings are in charge of kingdoms, emperors are in charge of empires, and princes are in charge of principalities....

....then who is in charge of a country?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xnwxt/if_kings_are_in_charge_of_kingdoms_emperors_are/
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A business man met a beautiful woman and agreed to spend the night with her for $800.

So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to beautiful woman, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, you probably did not push the right buttons to turn on the heat..
As for the space, the apartment is, indeed, extremely cozy, but if you obviously did not have furniture of the right size to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xnwja/a_business_man_met_a_beautiful_woman_and_agreed/
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When a dog is on heat, it means it wants sex.

That's my defense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xntsb/when_a_dog_is_on_heat_it_means_it_wants_sex/
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To all the people who say 'JIF', I've got two words for you:

Jraphics Interchange Format

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xnm2u/to_all_the_people_who_say_jif_ive_got_two_words/
%
Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The baker has 50 gold, but it's all he has and if he gives it away he won't have dinner, but he decides to do it anyways so he pulls his money out of his pockets and gives it to the witch. The witch sprinkles her wand over him and he glows for a second. The witch disappears and the baker goes home and starts baking bread. When he's finished he goes to cut the bread when it yells "ow!"
He looks at the bread and says, "who said that?"
The bread says, "I did! I'm the magical talking bread and no other bread talks like I do so I'm special! And I can feel pain so don't cut me!"
The baker says, "but! I need to sell bread to make money!"
The bread says, "I'll be honest, your bread probably tastes terrible but I'm a great showman so I'll make you hundreds of dollars a day as an attraction."
While the man considers it, the bread says, "I may not be what you want, but I'm what you kneaded!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xngtt/made_this_joke_up_at_my_great_grandmothers_house/
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What is a line you can use in a job interview and during sex also

I have a habit of coming early

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xnc65/what_is_a_line_you_can_use_in_a_job_interview_and/
%
A man was being interviewed at a job interview...

... and the interviewer was thoroughly impressed.
The man was eloquent in speaking and seemed highly fit for the job.
However, one question lingered in the interviewer’s mind...
“So you seem very skilled and fit for the job. However, I have one question, why were you unemployed for 4 years?”
The man replies:
“Oh, I was in Yale.”
The interviewer, impressed by the man being able to be enrolled in such an exclusive school, hires him on the spot.
The man, overcome with joy, whips out his phone and calls his wife and shouts:
“Honey, I did it! I got the yob!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xn98j/a_man_was_being_interviewed_at_a_job_interview/
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Why dont cats play poker in the jungle?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xn3uv/why_dont_cats_play_poker_in_the_jungle/
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Why is having a BBQ not popular in Italy?

Spaghetti keep falling through the grill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xn0cz/why_is_having_a_bbq_not_popular_in_italy/
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Have you ever had Jewish coffee?

You'd like it, Israeli good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xmxek/have_you_ever_had_jewish_coffee/
%
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a winter's day

They pull up outside the saloon and the Lone Ranger says, "I need to see a guy in there - you'll have to wait out here, it's against the law to let you in a place where liquor is sold".
Tonto scowls. "But it's freezing out here, *kemo sabe*!".
"I can't help that - the law's the law," says the Lone Ranger. "You'd better get down and run around a bit to stay warm". So down gets Tonto, hitches up the horses, and begins running around them in circles while the Lone Ranger goes into the saloon.
After a couple of beers and with his business done, the Lone Ranger looks up to see the sheriff coming in; and the sheriff looks him up and down and says "Hey there, stranger - is that your hoss hitched up outside?"
And the Lone Ranger says, "Yes - is there anything the matter with that?"
"Nope," says the sheriff...
..."but you left your Injun running."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xms4b/the_lone_ranger_and_tonto_ride_into_town_on_a/
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Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor arrested for murder?

He had loco-motives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xmqs7/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_conductor/
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A little boy says to his sister: "Guess what sis, I have two Blow Pops!"

Sister: "Oh thank God, that means he won't make me do it tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xmnij/a_little_boy_says_to_his_sister_guess_what_sis_i/
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What do you call eating a girl's ass out on an airplane?

Skyrim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xmmsj/what_do_you_call_eating_a_girls_ass_out_on_an/
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Only anti-vaxxers kids will get this

disease

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xmkis/only_antivaxxers_kids_will_get_this/
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Grasshopper walks into a bar

Bartender can't believe his eyes, says, "holy shit we got a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper says, "what you got a drink named Kevin?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xmi1f/grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
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Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river...

It all comes down to Roe v Wade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xmetv/picking_a_supreme_court_justice_is_a_lot_like/
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Dress Code

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in -  just don't start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xmeqr/dress_code/
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Your moment of Zen

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."  The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who  pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.  The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xme54/your_moment_of_zen/
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Neymar was found at a Celine Dion concert, screaming from pain and rolling around.

He was touched by the music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xmdbv/neymar_was_found_at_a_celine_dion_concert/
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What Sound Does a Chinese Cat Make?

"Mao."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xmcfx/what_sound_does_a_chinese_cat_make/
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World War 2

Man: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done?"
Man: I harbored Jewish people in my basement to keep them safe from the Germans."
Priest: "That's not a sin. That's a good deed."
Man: "But I have been charging them one dollar a night until the war is over."
Priest: "That's perfectly okay."
Man: "I haven't told them the war is over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xmcd7/world_war_2/
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A Doctor says to his Patient...

“Your cough sounds much better this morning”
“It should be,” says the patient. “I’ve been practising all night”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xm99w/a_doctor_says_to_his_patient/
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My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xm6wc/my_girlfriend_just_dumped_me_for_talking_too_much/
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Two old men had been best friends for years...

...and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xm4gw/two_old_men_had_been_best_friends_for_years/
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Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xm0ke/girl_asked_me_to_netflix_and_chill_but_i_download/
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What’s the difference between a truck loaded with sand and a truck loaded with babies?

You can’t unload the sand with a pitchfork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xlye2/whats_the_difference_between_a_truck_loaded_with/
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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.
Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.
She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."
I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"
She replied "Of course!"
"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xly7l/so_i_was_at_the_bar_the_other_day/
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A black cat and a white cat falls into the water, what did the black cat said to the white cat?

Meow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xlw6o/a_black_cat_and_a_white_cat_falls_into_the_water/
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There are two kinds of people...

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xlw65/there_are_two_kinds_of_people/
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When I was young, Dad found a lump and Mum had to have her breast removed.

That man took his mashed potatoes very seriously, let me tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xltz6/when_i_was_young_dad_found_a_lump_and_mum_had_to/
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A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xlo6h/a_lot_of_people_complain_about_reposts_but_i_ran/
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A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xlkrs/a_man_get_stopped_by_a_game_warden_with_his/
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How is a pirate dick different from a regular dick?

‘Scurvy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xliw5/how_is_a_pirate_dick_different_from_a_regular_dick/
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What is Thanos' favourite video game?

Half life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xlhgr/what_is_thanos_favourite_video_game/
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What's the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xkgd0/whats_the_difference_between_a_rectal_and_oral/
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I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xkcyi/i_once_killed_an_adult_male_grizzly_bear_on_a_ski/
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So there’s this old, old zookeeper who is nearing retirement.

In fact, she’s so old that she has been employed at the zoo since it first opened. Since she’s been there so long, the zoo has entrusted her with taking care of the two most valuable exhibits in the zoo.
First, she is responsible for feeding an ancient lion. This lion is actually so old that all of his teeth have fallen out and the only thing that he will eat is rare steak.
Second, she must caretake the pool of porpoises. Now these aren’t just any porpoises... they’re magical. In fact, as long as these particular porpoises are fed an exclusive diet of live seagulls, THEY WILL NEVER DIE.
Well, the zookeeper has had a nice long run of it and decides that it’s time to train a replacement and retire. Knowing how important her job is, the administration of the zoo searches high and low for a suitable replacement and eventually hire a young, upcoming zookeeper apprentice to take over the old woman’s responsibilities.
On his first day on the job, the young zookeeper is running behind schedule and, for the sake of feeding the porpoises in a timely fashion, decides to take a shortcut through the lion’s den.
His hands are full of squawking seagulls as he tiptoes through the lion’s den. The lion, being old and mostly deaf, is passed out asleep in the middle of the walkway. Carefully, the new zookeeper steps over the slumbering lion and continues over to the porpoise display, where he feeds the porpoises their daily ration of seagulls.
At that moment, a black SUV screeches to a halt in front of the zoo and federal agents promptly arrest the new zookeeper and charge him with...
...transporting gulls across a steak lion for immortal porpoises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xka5p/so_theres_this_old_old_zookeeper_who_is_nearing/
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What's heavier? 100 pounds of feathers, or bricks

Feathers, because with bricks it's just the bricks, with feathers you have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xk78s/whats_heavier_100_pounds_of_feathers_or_bricks/
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So i came up with a new name for lube...

High Fructose Porn Syrup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xjwm2/so_i_came_up_with_a_new_name_for_lube/
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They say dress everyday like you might meet the love of your life...

Now I know why it takes my wife so long to get ready.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xjuwp/they_say_dress_everyday_like_you_might_meet_the/
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A nun gets into a cab...

...and noticed that the *very* handsome cab driver was staring intensely at her.
“My child,” the nun said “is something the matter?”
“Well,” the cab driver started “I have a question to ask you, but I’m worried it might offend you.”
“My child, when you’re as old as I am, and been a nun for as long as I have, you see and hear just about everything. I’m sure there’s nothing you could do or say to offend me.”
“Okay, well...I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that,” the nun started with a smile. “First, you must be single, and secondly, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver, very excited, said “I’m single, and I’m Catholic!”
“Okay,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The cab driver pulled into the next alley, and the nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
When they got back on the road, however, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me,” he blubbered “But I’ve sinned. I lied, and I must confess: I’m married, and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said “That’s okay...my name’s Kevin, and I’m going to a costume party.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xjlji/a_nun_gets_into_a_cab/
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Suit sales.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”
“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!” the manager asked.
“That’s the one!”
“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”
“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xjgbw/suit_sales/
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[NSFW] I went by a brothel and there was a sign in the window

it said "We're closed, so beat it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xje6d/nsfw_i_went_by_a_brothel_and_there_was_a_sign_in/
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Prophetic Dreams

As a boy i had dreams that told the future.
One night when i was young, a crow came to me in a dream.
"Your aunt is going to die!" It cawed.
I woke up immediately and ran to tell my parents.
They told me
"Go back to bed its only a dream."
Then that morning they got a phone call.
My Aunt sally had died in a car accident.
A few weeks went by and the crow came to me again in a dream.
"Your Father is going to die!" It said.
I ran to tell my father.
He told me to go to bed and it wasnt worth worrying about.
But the next morning i could see him looking very rattled and not like himself at all.
No wonder, he didnt know how it would happen.
After all the crow had only said
"Your Father is going to die."
He arrived home just before supper that evening and said to my Mother as he came in the door.
"I just had the worst day of my life."
She said
"You think your day was bad? The mailman had a heart attack and died on the front porch this morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xjd3a/prophetic_dreams/
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Cure

A college professor at a small liberal arts college in Ohio removed a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would pick up the tennis ball, place it in his jacket pocket, and leave the room.
No one understood why he did this, until one day when a student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor didn’t miss a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on top of the head.
The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached in to his jacket, and removed a baseball.
No one fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xjceo/cure/
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My wife told me I ruined our vacation.

How's that possible when we never even went on vacation? I lost all the money gambling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xj7hu/my_wife_told_me_i_ruined_our_vacation/
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Elephants never forget

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. It wasn't the same elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xivt3/elephants_never_forget/
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I’m having a drink in a nicer bar in my town, when a guy yells in my ear, “Bitch, I fucked your grandma!”

I turn around, look him in the eye, and say, “Go home grandpa, you’re drunk”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xitpd/im_having_a_drink_in_a_nicer_bar_in_my_town_when/
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A cowboy walks into a saloon.

He sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey. He chugs it down and says "TGIF!". A Mexican walks in, shakes his head, and says "SPIT!". A few minutes go by and the cowboy has downed his third whiskey. He stands up and declares, "TGIF!". The Mexican looks at the cowboy with a puzzled look, "SPIT" he says. The cowboys becomes angry and begins to chant "TGIF" over and over. The Mexican follows suit and chants "SPIT".
The bartender then gets fed up with the ruckus and hushes the cowboy and Mexican. He looks at the Mexican and says, "Do you know what TGIF is?". The Mexican replies with, "Of course I do, Thank God it's Friday!". The bartender is completely confused and asks, "What the hell is SPIT?".  "Stupid Pendejo its Thursday", the Mexican says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xirgw/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_saloon/
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Saw a radio for sale, "1$ volume stuck on full!"

Wow, I can't turn that down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xiqkm/saw_a_radio_for_sale_1_volume_stuck_on_full/
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Last night I asked the woman I love to marry me, exactly one year after I first asked her out

She said “no” both times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xiq8k/last_night_i_asked_the_woman_i_love_to_marry_me/
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A father with three daughters

is sitting down for dinner when the first of his daughters asks, "dad why is my name Daisy?". The father replies, "because when you were born a daisy petal from the sky and landed on your head."
The second daughter asks, "dad why is my name Rose?" The father replies, "Well Rose, when you were a baby a rose petal fell from on high and landed on your head."
The third daughter asks, "bllaaarrarararraraaarg" and the father replies, "shut up, cinder-block"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xijmx/a_father_with_three_daughters/
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My grandfathers star sign was cancer which is ironic seeing how he died.

He was eaten by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xiivb/my_grandfathers_star_sign_was_cancer_which_is/
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Whats the difference between a chick pea and a garbonzo bean?

Donald Trump wouldn't let a russian garbonzo bean on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xiiv4/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
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When I grow up I want to be a hitman

I hear they make a killing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xhxnb/when_i_grow_up_i_want_to_be_a_hitman/
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Edible panties are delicious -

I eat them straight out of the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xhmiu/edible_panties_are_delicious/
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If you rearrange the letters of "postmen"

They get really pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xhkr4/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
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If dating had a batting average.

I'd have Lou Gehrig's disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xhdyw/if_dating_had_a_batting_average/
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5 out of 6 doctors agree...

That Russian Roulette is completely safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xh95a/5_out_of_6_doctors_agree/
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How did the vaccine cause autism?

It didn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xh8h4/how_did_the_vaccine_cause_autism/
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That’s a nice ham you’ve got there...

It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xh6m6/thats_a_nice_ham_youve_got_there/
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What do you get if you crossbreed a rabbit with an insect?

Bugs Bunny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xh3gp/what_do_you_get_if_you_crossbreed_a_rabbit_with/
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How to spot a blind man on a nudist beach?

Well it's not hard, really...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xh1un/how_to_spot_a_blind_man_on_a_nudist_beach/
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A woman was just taking a bath when she heard the doorbell.

She thought she’d just pretend not to be home but then the ringer called, “Hello? Anybody home? I’m the blind guy!”
“Ah well, if he is blind I can go and open the door just like this. No need to dress.” thought the lady, hauled herself out of the bath and went to open the door.
“Wow,” said the guy waiting there, “you should be on a fitness studio advertisement! Now, where should I put those blinds?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xh0ut/a_woman_was_just_taking_a_bath_when_she_heard_the/
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I dont tell many 9/11 jokes

They tend to crash and burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xh0pm/i_dont_tell_many_911_jokes/
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A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

...when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xgyii/a_couple_of_years_ago_one_night_i_was_about_to/
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I've got all of Justin Biebers CDs......

...and if I can get passed his home security again I'll have all his dvds as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xgycv/ive_got_all_of_justin_biebers_cds/
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I made a website for orphans

It doesn’t have a homepage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xgv5k/i_made_a_website_for_orphans/
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Why is there air conditioning in hospitals?

To keep the vegetables cool and fresh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xguld/why_is_there_air_conditioning_in_hospitals/
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How do you get an elephant in a Safeway carrier bag?

You take the "F" out of "way"
(It took me a while, so don't feel bad, try not to spoil it!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xgu5y/how_do_you_get_an_elephant_in_a_safeway_carrier/
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A family of moles lived in a hole in the city.

There was a father mole, a mother mole and many sister and brother moles. One day, they were awoken by a pleasant smell that none of them could identify. The father scurried up the hole and poked his head out, then announced “I smell milk and honey!” The mother mole followed close behind him, took a whiff and said “It smells like sugar cookies to me.”
After the sisters and brothers ran up to the hole opening all made their guesses as to what the smell was, the youngest mole announced “All I smell is molasses.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xgl9w/a_family_of_moles_lived_in_a_hole_in_the_city/
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My dick isn't a big or a small; it's a medium.

It gets much larger when a female ghost floats by.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xgfh9/my_dick_isnt_a_big_or_a_small_its_a_medium/
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I 8/10 once.

She didn't let me fuck her though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xgb5f/i_810_once/
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A trucker calls his boss.

He says:
-  I just ran a pig over, what now?
The boss asks him:
- Dead?
- Dead.
- Truck's OK?
- OK.
- So bury it and drive away.
Then the trucker disconnects, and later calls again. The boss asks him:
- You buried it?
- Yes, but I don't know what to do with his cop car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xg9wu/a_trucker_calls_his_boss/
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What happened to the chord who violated school rules?

It was suspended!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xg8ai/what_happened_to_the_chord_who_violated_school/
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The use of capitals can really change the meaning of a sentence

Example:
I like to eat candy
I like to eat capitals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xg6vx/the_use_of_capitals_can_really_change_the_meaning/
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I'm 95% vegan now...

Basically, I'm vegan all the time. Except when I'm eating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xfvyh/im_95_vegan_now/
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Just came back from Dubai where a sheikh offered me 30 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but who could resist an offer like that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xfoi1/just_came_back_from_dubai_where_a_sheikh_offered/
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What's the value of a cosigned loan?

It depends on θ, but between -1 and 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xfn1y/whats_the_value_of_a_cosigned_loan/
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Thinking about becoming a magician.

They make A LOT of money. I'm pretty sure my neighbor is a magician because she told me she gets "over $500 per trick".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xfgo6/thinking_about_becoming_a_magician/
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What’s the difference between Cancer and myself?

My Dad didn’t beat Cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xffrs/whats_the_difference_between_cancer_and_myself/
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Polio is a lot like Japan in WW2

2 drops and you'll be able to get rid of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xfe6a/polio_is_a_lot_like_japan_in_ww2/
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The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.
The first general walked in and said "Lets measure the length between my head and toes.
They measured it and the result was 170 centimeters. The general got 1 700 000$ and walked out happily with his money.
The second general walked in and said "Lets measure the length between my raised hands and toes. The result was 193 centimeters. Second general walked out happily with his money as well.
The third general walked in and said "Lets measure the length between the tip of my dick and my balls." Doctor was confused and said how small his check will be. The general said "Just measure it, God darn it." The doctor started measuring it and soon after the general had pulled his pants down, the doctor was terrified and asked "Where the hell are your balls!?"
The general answered: "In Vietnam"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xfcda/the_usas_government_noticed_that_their_army_has/
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What do you call a Russian guy in Canada?

Vladimir Poutine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xfb0w/what_do_you_call_a_russian_guy_in_canada/
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Why did the picture hang itself?

Because it was framed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xfah8/why_did_the_picture_hang_itself/
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A poor student writes to his dad for help.

Being the eloquent teen he is, all he can muster is;
"No mon, no fun, your son."
To which the father replies;
"Too bad, so sad, love dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xf9wj/a_poor_student_writes_to_his_dad_for_help/
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Want to see all the decimal digits of Pi?

They are {0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9}, and there are no others!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xf7od/want_to_see_all_the_decimal_digits_of_pi/
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A Nazi enters a bank in Switzerland

with some money illegaly earned he has to deposit.
Then he silently walks towards the banker and whispers "I have to deposite, ehm... 2 milion...".
"It's all OK - says the banker smiling - here in Switzerland to be poor isn't a shame".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xf12f/a_nazi_enters_a_bank_in_switzerland/
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I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore...

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xez9r/i_cant_see_an_end_i_have_no_control_and_i_dont/
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Did you hear about the magician’s commute from work

When he got home, he turned into his driveway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xew7r/did_you_hear_about_the_magicians_commute_from_work/
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Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.
Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder of the expressway, nearly hitting a Jeep Cherokee in the process. It didn’t matter to you. Frantically searching the glove compartment, the backseat, and your purse, you finally find a small notepad and a pen with a low ink cartridge. You listen closely to the radio, and begin to scribble down as much as you can. You realize it was merely a pattern.
— -. . / - .– — / - .– — / ..-. .. ..-. - -.–
Unfortunately for you, you aren’t very well versed in translating Morse code, merely recognizing it. You reach into your purse to grab your phone, but after a moment of searching, you realize you had left it at home before you left for work. “God damnit,” you mutter. You’re more than halfway to your office, and you’re already running late due to the fact that that you decided to follow some whim and jot down some cryptic message from a provocative rapper. Concluding that it would probably be best for you to mosey to work, you pull back onto the expressway and try to make it to work on time.
Upon arriving at work, you ask any coworker in sight if they know Morse code. Nobody seems to, and some don’t even know what Morse code is. You slump your shoulders in disappointment and head over to your desk, when suddenly, the quiet, mouse-like secretary clears her throat and says, “Excuse me, I know Morse code!”
You turn around with the same wide eyes as before. “You do!?” you ask vigorous excitement, which seems to startle the young woman.
“Yes,” she says, “when I was younger, I planned on joining the navy, so I taught it to myself.” You feel a bit sorry for her, that she wound up as a mere secretary instead of a naval officer, but that feeling of pity didn’t stop you from being grateful for the lucky coincidence of her knowing Morse code. You show her the pattern.
— -. . / - .– — / - .– — / ..-. .. ..-. - -.–
“That’s all there is?” she asks, furrowing her brow.
“Yeah,” you shrugged, “it just kept repeating that over and over again. What does it say?”
“One, two, two, fifty.”
Your heart sinks a little. “What is that? What does that mean, is it like a phone number or house address or something?”
The secretary shrugs. “I’m really sorry, I don’t know. It’s too short to be a phone number, but beyond deciphering it, I’m afraid I can’t help you.”
You nod slowly, and though you understand, you are still not at all satisfied. You go to sit at your desk. 1 2 2 50. The sequence plays over and over in your head all day, and needless to say, your curiosity an wonderment got the best of you. It was not a very productive work day.
You head home, and the same damned song plays on the radio. You shake your head as if that would make the song stop, then decide to plug 12250 into your GPS to see if there are any autofill results. None. You become increasingly frustrated.
When you get home, your daughter is sitting at the kitchen table, working on homework. She runs up to you and gives you a big hug, and asks about your day at work. You put on a fake smile and sigh. “Interesting,” you say— no doubt sugarcoating the intense excitement, disappointment, and confusion.
“Will you help me with my homework? I have to memorize something for my history class tomorrow.”
“Of course, doll! What are you memorizing?”
She hands you a laminated sheet of paper. “Roman numerals!”
You glance over the page, your eyes quickly darting from one, to two, to fifty.
It dawns on you. You’d recognize this pattern anywhere.
***I II II L***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xeqas/roman_numerals_are_very_interesting_long_joke/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he's not coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xeolw/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Dark humor is like a kid with cancer

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xefnw/dark_humor_is_like_a_kid_with_cancer/
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How do you know you are at a gay cookout?

The wieners taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xee5e/how_do_you_know_you_are_at_a_gay_cookout/
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I'm not saying I'm a lazy loner.

But I didn't even get an invite to my own birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xeb0p/im_not_saying_im_a_lazy_loner/
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I told the dentist I was concerned about the buildup on my teeth

He just brushed it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xe0lz/i_told_the_dentist_i_was_concerned_about_the/
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Did you know that light travels faster than sound?

That's why some people appear bright until they start talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xdx9t/did_you_know_that_light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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Why does America have the best movie industry in the world?

In the rest of the world, all the best actors play soccer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xdlqt/why_does_america_have_the_best_movie_industry_in/
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A cow comes running

A cow runs over to another which is sitting in an oven. The cow ushers the other out and drags him to a nearby alleyway. The cow from the oven is shocked and asks,
“Why the hell did you drag me over here? What’s going on?”
The other replies almost instantly, “I can’t tell you now, too much is at steak!”
PS: I came up with this, and when I told it to my friend who groaned and walked away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xdj7a/a_cow_comes_running/
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Brazil have sent star player Neymar to Thailand to help rescue the young footballers in the cave

...they heard they needed someone to teach them how to dive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xdghf/brazil_have_sent_star_player_neymar_to_thailand/
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A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear.

He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."
The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"
"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was miserable. But then..." He laughs. "Then my life changed! I had to put it all behind me. I always wanted to live in California, so I sold everything I had, broke my lease, and moved here. I got an apartment right over there across from the bar, and just today I landed my dream job." He drains half his beer, "Life is GREAT!"
The bartender stands back and beams, hands on his hips, sharing the man's joy, "That's great man...y'know, most guys would not have the balls to pack up and leave like that."
At that, the man lets out a peal of laughter, spilling his beer and nearly falling off his stool. "And that's the kicker! I don't have ANY balls! None at all!" As you might expect, the bartender looked confused. The man leans over the bar. "You see, starting about 10 years ago, I started getting terrible headaches. I mean they were crippling, man. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat, Couldn't work...hell, sometimes I could barely walk. And they just kept getting worse. I finally found a doc that found the problem....turns out it was something with my balls, pressing into the base of my spine. The pressure was causing the headaches. I mean...it was a hard decision...but the headaches were ruining my life. I was damn near suicidal. So...well...off they came. And now I'm completely reinventing myself. Next step, get a new wardrobe." He holds up his glass in a toast and drains it, waggling for another as he swallows.
The bartender's jaw has dropped. "That...that's incredible." He turns to fill the glass and looks up as the beer pours in. "Hey...y'know... I think I can set you up." he looks up over the bar and scans around. He quickly sees who he's looking for. "Barry! Hey Barry, get over here...this man needs a new suit." He looks back to the new customer. "This guy's amazing, totally old school. Can size a guy just by looking at him. Makes all of his suits himself, and I'll get him to cut you a deal."
Up walks a thin, bespectacled, immaculately dressed elderly man. He approaches the bar, "Yes?", he says in a clipped voice.
"Got a customer for ya, Barry. Treat him nice, he's been through a lot."
"Ah! You are wanting a new suit?" He looks the man up and down. He pulls his spectacles down on his nose. "A...reinvention of yourself?"
Then man beams, "Yes! Exactly! new job, new city, new friends...and now I need a new suit."
"Hmmm...collar is 15, yes?"
"Yes! Exactly!"
"42 long jacket feels to long, 42 feels too short, yes?"
"Yes! Exactly!"
"I will cut it custom for you. Tall and slender...waist 32..inseam 34..."
"Ah...you got the waist right, but I'm a 32 inseam. Always have been."
Barry waves his hand dismissively and continues his examination. "No...no..you are are a 34 inseam. 32 is too short. A 32 would push your balls right up into your spine. Give you one hell of a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xdfcy/a_man_strides_into_a_bar_grinning_from_ear_to_ear/
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I think my shampoo is making me deaf...

...it said guaranteed to increase Volume

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xdc6v/i_think_my_shampoo_is_making_me_deaf/
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Three elderly women were sitting on s park bench when a flasher came up and flashed his dick at them. The first two old women had a stroke.

But the third ones arms were too short to reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xd954/three_elderly_women_were_sitting_on_s_park_bench/
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Yo Mama so old....

She has a separate entrance for black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xd6on/yo_mama_so_old/
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Skyrim guards and Pornhub share a similar rule

No Loli Gagging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xd69p/skyrim_guards_and_pornhub_share_a_similar_rule/
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A calendar gets diagnosed with terminal cancer...

Poignant and pensive, he says, "I suppose my days are numbered."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xd3e1/a_calendar_gets_diagnosed_with_terminal_cancer/
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Chuck Norris' daughter lost her virginity.

He got it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xcw8f/chuck_norris_daughter_lost_her_virginity/
%
I got pulled over by the police ...

He came to the window and said papers ...
I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xcrox/i_got_pulled_over_by_the_police/
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I don't have a drinking problem

I have a drinking solution. It allows me to talk to the opposite sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xcqrk/i_dont_have_a_drinking_problem/
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What do you get when you spell the word “man” backwards?

Flashbacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xcpzw/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_the_word_man/
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Tell you what, it's lucky that those Kids trapped in the cave in Thailand are footballers

It means they're already good divers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xcec1/tell_you_what_its_lucky_that_those_kids_trapped/
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Three men wanted to look like women.

So they asked an old man for advise. The old man said: "Hike to the peak of that mountain. Up there is a tree. Say something to the tree, and that's what you'll look like."
When they reached the peak, the first man said, "Gal Gadot", and he looked like Gal Gadot. The second guy said "Emma Watson", so he looked like Emma Watson. The third guy tripped, and said "Oh shit!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xceap/three_men_wanted_to_look_like_women/
%
I called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea.

My boss told me to get my shit together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xcd4q/i_called_in_sick_this_morning_on_account_of/
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One day, I was walking down the street when out of the blue, 6 beautiful women flashed me their breasts all at the same time. Now I know what you’re thinking...

This story sounds kind of ridiculous...
Dozen tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xcayo/one_day_i_was_walking_down_the_street_when_out_of/
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A Man Filed a Report to the Police That His Bag Was Stolen

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xc8ld/a_man_filed_a_report_to_the_police_that_his_bag/
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New nurse at an elderly care centre: "Hey, I was checking though Bills medication list and got curious, why would a 90 year old man need viagra while staying here alone?"

Nurse 2: "It stops him rolling out of bed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xc57j/new_nurse_at_an_elderly_care_centre_hey_i_was/
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A woman on a business trip calls her husband to check on her cat.

“How’s Princess Fluffs?” she asks.
“Oh, she died this morning, honey. Ran into traffic. Sorry.”
His wife breaks into sobs, and he feels terrible. When she gathers her composure she yells at him,
“How can you break the news like that to me? You have no sensitivity whatsoever.”
“What should I have done?”
“Well when I called today you could have said she was stuck on the roof. That you were calling the fire department to come get her down. And then you could have waited a day and said she had gotten a little sick while being out in the cold but was a brave little kitty and was going to pull through. And the next day you could have told me nicely that after a hard fight, the poor kitty passed away in the comfort of your arms.”
She sobs again for a while, and then asks, face still wet from tears.
“Well, how is my mother?”
He almost speaks, pauses.
“Well, honey, she’s on the roof.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xc17j/a_woman_on_a_business_trip_calls_her_husband_to/
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A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime."

Father: "Government or private sector?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbzc9/a_son_says_to_his_father_dad_im_thinking_about_a/
%
I got a new job today at Old MacDonald’s Farm

I’m going to be the CIEIO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbuai/i_got_a_new_job_today_at_old_macdonalds_farm/
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What is Thanos favourite social media?

Obviously Snapchat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbs87/what_is_thanos_favourite_social_media/
%
What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbpz9/what_do_you_call_a_spider_with_20_eyes/
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I woke up deciding to remove all the negativity from my life

so i killed myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbpx1/i_woke_up_deciding_to_remove_all_the_negativity/
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Yo mama so old...

... I told her to act her age, and she died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbpms/yo_mama_so_old/
%
A woman is asked if her husband is an abuser

“Beats me,” she replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbp6h/a_woman_is_asked_if_her_husband_is_an_abuser/
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What did the cup of tea say to the other cup of tea during their conversation

You talk for oolong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbouh/what_did_the_cup_of_tea_say_to_the_other_cup_of/
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Kid flys by a sitting cop car in excess of the speed limit.

Of course the cop chases him and stops him.  With a big grin on his face the cop says I've been waiting for you all morning.
And the kid says, " well I got here as fast as I could."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xboo9/kid_flys_by_a_sitting_cop_car_in_excess_of_the/
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*assault rifle tips fedora*

M’16.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbnij/assault_rifle_tips_fedora/
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A man went to a laundry service

He drop his set of pants for dry cleaning.
As he was leaving, the clerk says "come again"
He turns around and said "Nope, this time its mayonaisse"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbms9/a_man_went_to_a_laundry_service/
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A midget walks into a gynecologist’s office complaining that her vagina hurt every time it rained.

The doctor examined her and, finding nothing wrong, asked her to come back during the next thunderstorm.
A few weeks later, during a particularly heavy rain fall, the woman comes back and again complains that her vagina hurt. The doctor asks the woman to get on the examination table and he starts his exam. After a few minutes he gets up, speaks to his nurse, finishes the exam, and tells the woman to come back if the pain persists.
After a few rainstorms, the woman realizes that her vagina no longer hurts. She calls the doctor, thanks him, and asks how did he cure her.  The doctor replied, Oh there was nothing wrong with you, I just told the nurse to cut two inches off the top of your rain boots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbmjo/a_midget_walks_into_a_gynecologists_office/
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I think my shampoo is making me fat...

...it says guaranteed to increase the Volume

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbl3q/i_think_my_shampoo_is_making_me_fat/
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A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.
The man ponders this devestatingly difficult decision, but ultimately decides that, while it may be a steep price to pay, removing his testicles would be worth it in order to stop these headaches.
After the procedure, the man, much to his relief, finally stops having headaches. However, without his testicles, he starts to get slightly depressed.
He goes back to see the specialist, asking if there's anything to be done.
The specialist is tells the man this is common, and in this situation, before prescribing antidepressants, he likes to send his patients to his friend, the tailor.
"He's amazing!" the specialist says. "He can size you up just by looking at you! He's never been wrong, and you'll feel like a new man!"
Deciding he has nothing to lose, the man goes to see the tailor.
Walking into the tailor's shop, the man sees some of the finest and sharpest suits he'd ever seen. This was already making him feel better.
"Welcome!" said the tailor. "What can I do for you today?"
The man says "I need a new suit to feel like a new man."
"Ah yes. Well, I'm sure we can get you sorted out right away" the tailor says. "First things first, let's get you measured."
The tailor then just stared at the man for about thirty seconds before saying, "You are clearly 5'10"
"Correct," the man says, mildly impressed.
"And you have a 42 chest."
"That's correct!" the man exclaims.
"And your sleeve length is 32"
"Correct again! Amazing!"
"And you have a 33 waist"
"Right on the nose!"
"And of course a 33 inseam on your pants as well."
"Oh, so close! I wear a 32 inseam" the man says, still impressed.
"No definitely not." The tailor argues. "If you had been wearing a 32 inseam with a 33 waist, it would be compressing your testicles, giving you horrible headaches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbiqu/a_man_has_been_getting_chronic_headaches/
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This Unicode technical specification is extremely dull reading

But it does have many interesting characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbe04/this_unicode_technical_specification_is_extremely/
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When I die I want to go like my grandfather, in his sleep.

And not like all the people screaming in the back of his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbd3m/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_like_my_grandfather_in/
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Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA?

Because the French had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xbabc/why_did_france_give_the_statue_of_liberty_to_the/
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As I sat there naked in George Clooney’s hotel room, I thought to myself..

I might have accidentally picked up my wife’s bucket list instead of mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xb8ll/as_i_sat_there_naked_in_george_clooneys_hotel/
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Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xb446/dark_humor_is_like_cancer/
%
Last night, my date asked, "So how come you haven't already been snapped up?"

I replied, "I've been married before, but it didn't work out. She said I was far too inattentive."
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?"
"Probably."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xb3ln/last_night_my_date_asked_so_how_come_you_havent/
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After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.

So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xb208/after_someone_pointed_it_out_to_her_my_mother/
%
Sometimes I wake up grumpy

Other times I let her sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xb1uf/sometimes_i_wake_up_grumpy/
%
So I’ve heard people in Dubai don’t like Flinstones...

But people in Abu-Dhabi DOOOO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xaz1l/so_ive_heard_people_in_dubai_dont_like_flinstones/
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A blind man, paraplegic, and deaf man visit a healer on a mountain.

The blind man goes up the trail using his white cane. Arriving at the top he asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his cane off the mountain and comes back down.
The paraplegic goes up the mountain with great difficult and asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his wheelchair off the mountain and comes back down.
The deaf man ponders the situation. He's gonna need an interpreter to help him at the top and so the two of them sets off to the top. At the top he asks to be healed and so it is. He throws the interpreter off the mountain and comes back down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xavpu/a_blind_man_paraplegic_and_deaf_man_visit_a/
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What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey?

Most times you get an onion with a tail. But every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xarxl/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_onion_and_a/
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I wonder if the US will ever have Mexican History Month.

Juan Day... Juan Day...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xaq8z/i_wonder_if_the_us_will_ever_have_mexican_history/
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Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?

The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xan6e/who_is_the_odd_one_out_between_santa_claus_the/
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What do you call a puffer fish which takes a long time to inflate?

A Buffer fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xalh7/what_do_you_call_a_puffer_fish_which_takes_a_long/
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I really need to find a way to finish my laundry.

I always start off strong but halfway through I throw in the towel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xak8x/i_really_need_to_find_a_way_to_finish_my_laundry/
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It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife.

But eventually the hitman and I agreed on a fee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xacs8/it_was_hard_to_come_to_terms_with_the_death_of_my/
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My summer camp, which was all about focus and blocking out distractions, did really poorly this year

Apparently no one wants to go to a concentration camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xaaap/my_summer_camp_which_was_all_about_focus_and/
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Guy takes his dog to the vet because it's become cross-eyed.

The vet picks the dog up and stares it straight in the eyes for a minute.
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down," he says.
"What, just because he's cross-eyed??" says the man.
"No," says the vet, "because he's fucking heavy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xa6x4/guy_takes_his_dog_to_the_vet_because_its_become/
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There was a competition and the winner got the worlds best cuts of meat

All you had to do was jump up and grab one of the ribeyes they had dangling ten feet off the ground. If you missed you had to be a vegetarian for the rest of your life.
I didn’t do it though I couldn’t handle the pressure,
The steaks were too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xa572/there_was_a_competition_and_the_winner_got_the/
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The doctor said to me, “Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80's pop music!” I gasped, “Yikes! What’s The Cure?!”

He yowled, “Oh my God! It’s worse than I thought!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xa3ug/the_doctor_said_to_me_your_brain_seems_to_have/
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What do you call an all male orgy?

A Swap Meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xa2we/what_do_you_call_an_all_male_orgy/
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Pain tolerance between genders

A couple are expecting a child. They're concerned about how painful the labor will be, and address this to their doctor. The doctor tells them that there is an experimental device to allow the mother to transfer some of the pain over to the father. Although nervous, they both agree.
When the wife goes into labor, she's given a device which allows her to transfer the pain across, and decides to start with ten percent.
"It's working!" she says ecstatically. "I'm feeling better! How about you?"
"I don't feel anything," the husband says. "Turn it up."
She goes to thirty percent, then fifty percent. She's feeling much better, and meanwhile the husband can barely feel anything. Eventually she goes to a hundred percent, and has a pain free labor. Meanwhile the husband is wondering what all the fuss about labor is. They're let out of hospital the next day, and head home.
Upon getting home, they discover the postman lying dead on the doorstep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xa2ju/pain_tolerance_between_genders/
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So, a senior citizen is laying in a hospital bed... [NSFW]

...and the Nurse shows up to wash him, as he is unable to do so himself.
Finally, she arrives between his legs and can't help but gasp at what she sees.
"Yeah, bigger than anything you've ever seen, I bet", the old patient remarks. "Back in the day, I could get erect at a moment notice, hang a bucket full of water on my good friend here and run around the whole town without any trouble."
"Oh my", the nurse answers. "But you can't do it anymore?"
"No, no", the old man replies. "Old age and all. My knees would give out after ten minutes of that business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8xa1d2/so_a_senior_citizen_is_laying_in_a_hospital_bed/
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The great circus trick

One day at the big circus in town, the great circus entertainer decides to do his greatest trick. He comes out on stage along with a big, fierce looking aligator and starts presenting:
'Ladies and gentlemen, today you will be witness to one of the greatest tricks in history. I will place my penis in this here aligator's mouth and punch it right in the eye.'
He does exactly that, and in everybody's amazement, the aligator does not bite the entertainer's penis.
'Ladies and gentlemen, in order to show you that this was not sheer luck, I will attempt to do this again, but this time I will punch the aligator in both of his eyes with all of my strength.'
He does exactly that. He places his penis in the aligator's mouth and proceeds to punch the aligator with as much strength as he could conjure in both of his arms, but again, in everybody's amazement, the aligator stays still.
'Ladies and gentlemen, having seen that, is there anybody in the audience who would like to attempt this?'
Scared out of their minds of even thinking of doing something like that, everybody goes silent in their seats except of one old lady who gets up from her seat and enthusiastically says:
'I'll do it, but please don't punch too hard.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x9z3y/the_great_circus_trick/
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Cop comes to a womans house

He sees bruises on her face. He asks "Ma'am! is your husband a sadist?"
she says "Beats me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x9xeq/cop_comes_to_a_womans_house/
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After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.

After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..
"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, sombrely.
"It may be time to take away her life support."
Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt upright in bed..
"Did someone mention takeaway?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x9vtf/after_years_of_stuffing_her_face_my_wife_finally/
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A couple mountainsclimbers where walking on a glacier.

One says too the other:"look my tour guide fell in that ravine last time I was up here". The other mountainclimber looks perplexed. "Why do you mention that so casually"? The first mountainclimber shrugs and says:"well it was already missing a couple pages".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x9sgo/a_couple_mountainsclimbers_where_walking_on_a/
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Husband: We should get a dishwasher.

Wife: We already have one.
Husband: I meant one that doesn't talk back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x9p6e/husband_we_should_get_a_dishwasher/
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I decided to threw a surprise bukkake party for my girlfriend

Everybody came.
You should have seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x9o90/i_decided_to_threw_a_surprise_bukkake_party_for/
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I was walking past a prison the other day, and

I saw a dwarf in an orange jumpsuit shimmying down the side of the building.
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little con descending.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x9gyo/i_was_walking_past_a_prison_the_other_day_and/
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I want a job as a quality controller in a mirror factory.

It’s a job I could really see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x9gvd/i_want_a_job_as_a_quality_controller_in_a_mirror/
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What do you call an Ant who is very good at Microsoft Excel?

Excelant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x9fyb/what_do_you_call_an_ant_who_is_very_good_at/
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Can 5 women change a lightbulb?

Apparently not; the basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x9do9/can_5_women_change_a_lightbulb/
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Knock knock.

Who's there?
I eat map.
I eat map who?
That's disgusting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x9cch/knock_knock/
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I met a woman with the most amazing breasts

I was walking down the street, when I met a woman with the most amazing breaths I have ever seen. I asked her if I could bite them for $100. She said no. I offered $1,000, she said no. I finally offered $10,000 and she accepted. She took me to a secluded alleyway, and I began to fondle with them. After 2 minutes of playing with her breasts, she finally asked if I was going to bite them. So I told her, "nah, too expensive".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x9c1h/i_met_a_woman_with_the_most_amazing_breasts/
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How many poachers does it take to fill up a lion?

At least three.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x9964/how_many_poachers_does_it_take_to_fill_up_a_lion/
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What's the difference between Disney and Crosby

Bing sings but Walt Disney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x96tg/whats_the_difference_between_disney_and_crosby/
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Why did the cows have to flee the farm's cannabis field?

Because the steaks were high when the pigs rolled in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x95t7/why_did_the_cows_have_to_flee_the_farms_cannabis/
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A Man Wakes Up Dazed and Confused in a Strange City

He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x91iq/a_man_wakes_up_dazed_and_confused_in_a_strange/
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An American tourist had visited all the usual sights

. He'd seen the Sydney Harbour and everything else but he wanted to see the real Australia.  So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah. There wasn't much to see.  There was a drought, it was hot and the wind was blowing dust everywhere.
He got off the train and made for the pub, sweating and cursing as he swatted in vain at the clouds of files that buzzed around him.
The pub's only customer, a bloke in a blue singlet, greeted him with a "G'day."
The American ordered a beer.
"Yank, eh?" quizzed the Aussie.
"Sure am, buddy," the American replied.
"Waddya think of this part of Australia, Yank?" the bloke asked.
"I think it's the rectum of the world," replied the American.
There was a moment of silent reflection as the local sucked on his smoke. Then he asked, "You just passing through?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x908y/an_american_tourist_had_visited_all_the_usual/
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The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night.

So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
(I'll see myself out.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x907o/the_wisest_men_in_the_village_could_not_figure/
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I was in bed with a woman recently... She said "Baby, I want this night to be magical."

It was. After we made love, I disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x8m0b/i_was_in_bed_with_a_woman_recently_she_said_baby/
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Airplane food is bad.

In my experience, you need to be high to enjoy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x8kxr/airplane_food_is_bad/
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Two monks having a bath together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.
Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.
Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to be a statue.
When the nuns walk past him they are suprised by how life-like the statue looks. The first nun is so curious, she pulls on the monks penis.
The monk is completely suprised and drops one of the bars of soap
"Its a machine to get a bar of soap!" The second nun exclaims and also pulls the monks penis. And sure enough he drops the second bar.
But when the third nun pulls nothing happens so she tries again. This goes on for a while and the other two nuns get bored and start to walk away.
Suddenly the third nun shouts: "It also has liquid soap!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x8a88/two_monks_having_a_bath_together/
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You guys hear about Paul Walker's dandruff problem?

They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x8a6q/you_guys_hear_about_paul_walkers_dandruff_problem/
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I'm all for gender equality.

If men can go in public topless, then women should be able to go in public topless too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x8a4l/im_all_for_gender_equality/
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x85rt/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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What is the number 25.80697580113 also known as?

The root of all evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x81mq/what_is_the_number_2580697580113_also_known_as/
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The Tattoo

I got this tattoo on my dick, says "Wendy"  because of an ex. I didn't think it through though because when I get soft it says "wy" now usually this isn't a big deal but one day I went to a nude beach and met a local who also had "wy" on his dick. So me being who I am, I asked him if he had a girlfriend named Wendy. He said "Nah, my tattoo says 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x7uwu/the_tattoo/
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Gender is like the twin towers

There used to be two, but now it’s a bit of a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x7mvl/gender_is_like_the_twin_towers/
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A guy with really bad E.D. goes to the doctor for some help

He says, "Listen Doc, I've tried Viagra, acupuncture, you name it. Nothing will get me hard. And to make matters worse, I got a date with this total smokeshow next week and I wanna be on my game. Is there anything you can do for me?"
The doctor gets a really stern and pensive look on his face and says," Well there is one thing, but it's risky and I'm not even sure if it will work. I've never done it before."
The man says,"I'm desperate I'll do anything! "
"Well, I've been developing this experimental surgery where I replace the muscles of a human penis with trunk muscles from a baby elephant. If my theory is correct, it just might work."
Desperate, the man accepts and goes through with the surgery.
A week later, the man is having dinner with his 10/10 date and gets a massive erection halfway through their meal. Even after 10 minutes it won't go away. So, thinking that some airing it out will help it go down, and thinking he's safe under the table cloth, the man unzips his fly and takes his dick out. Immediately, his dick shoots up out onto the table, coils around one of the dinner roles sitting in a basket, and drags it down under the table.
Shocked and somewhat amused, the woman asks, "Do you think you could do that again?"
The man responds, "I think I can, but I don't think I can fit another dinner role up my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x7jjx/a_guy_with_really_bad_ed_goes_to_the_doctor_for/
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Jesus Christ walks into a motel.

He goes up to the innkeeper, hands him three nails and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x7j8l/jesus_christ_walks_into_a_motel/
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What's the worst thing that can happen to a man?

Running into a wall while erect and breaking your nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x7hg7/whats_the_worst_thing_that_can_happen_to_a_man/
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Me and my friend went camping...

He got really drunk and woke up with a condom in his ass. He asked me how it got there and I told him I don't know...I didn't use a condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x7g1n/me_and_my_friend_went_camping/
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I can’t help but think that porn has given me unrealistic expectations of actual sex...

For example, having it with another person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x7fk6/i_cant_help_but_think_that_porn_has_given_me/
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Went to the doctor today, he came back with some good news and some bad news...

The good news is I have my shit together.
The bad news, I'm chronically constipated...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x7ex6/went_to_the_doctor_today_he_came_back_with_some/
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A man goes to the doctor with a carrot in his nose, cabbage in his ears and ham over his eyes. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.

The doctor replies “Well it looks like you’re not eating right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x7dxy/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_with_a_carrot_in_his/
%
I watched the chicken cross the road the other day...

it was poultry in motion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x7d31/i_watched_the_chicken_cross_the_road_the_other_day/
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What do you call a laughing piano?

Yamahahahahaha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x7927/what_do_you_call_a_laughing_piano/
%
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn’t see himself doing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x75j7/why_did_the_invisible_man_turn_down_the_job_offer/
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Lemme tell ya, My Wife keeps me in line

no matter how many guys are in head of me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x729n/lemme_tell_ya_my_wife_keeps_me_in_line/
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x714n/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
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My drunk friend got kicked out of Karaoke for singing “Danger Zone” 7 times in a row.

He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x70e1/my_drunk_friend_got_kicked_out_of_karaoke_for/
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If you see a robbery at the Apple store...

... does that make you an iWitness?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6zcp/if_you_see_a_robbery_at_the_apple_store/
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I’m reading a book about anti-gravity

It’s impossible to put down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6yma/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
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What do you call a guy lying in front if a door

Mat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6y24/what_do_you_call_a_guy_lying_in_front_if_a_door/
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Why does the golfer bring two pair of pants?

In case he gets hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6xmd/why_does_the_golfer_bring_two_pair_of_pants/
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I found out that Steve Jobs was a pimp...

...turns out he was the original Mac Daddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6vwk/i_found_out_that_steve_jobs_was_a_pimp/
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So

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “Ninety-eight,” she replied. “Two years older than I am.”
“So you’re ninety-six,” the undertaker said.
She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6tvc/so/
%
If I could be any super hero, I think I'd be Aluminium Man...

My superpower would be foiling crime...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6rwv/if_i_could_be_any_super_hero_i_think_id_be/
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Neymar is going to participate in the 2020 Olympics

He’s Brazil’s next star in the Diving competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6ol9/neymar_is_going_to_participate_in_the_2020/
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Three bottoms are sitting at a bar.

The first says, “I’m so loose my boyfriend can fit his whole hand inside me.”
The second says “that’s nothing. My boyfriend can fit his whole arm inside me!”
The third laughs, and the bar stool disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6mfn/three_bottoms_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
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How do you break the news to a cruciferous vegetable that it's going to die?

Very very broccoli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6jgv/how_do_you_break_the_news_to_a_cruciferous/
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What's the healthiest part of a donut?

The middle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6hb1/whats_the_healthiest_part_of_a_donut/
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A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.
The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"
The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The mobster puts a pistol to the accountant's head. "Ask him again!"
The interpreter signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
"Okay, okay!" the accountant signs back. "The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard!"
"What'd he say?" asks the don.
"He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6h4m/a_mobster_discovers_that_his_deaf_accountant_has/
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An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones....

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6fv3/an_older_couple_had_just_learned_how_to_send_text/
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I've had it with stairs

They're always up to something or bringing me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6fug/ive_had_it_with_stairs/
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What happens when you play a country song backwards?

You get your girl back, you get your dog back, you get your pickup back.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6dft/what_happens_when_you_play_a_country_song/
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Why did the CPA change careers?

....lost interest...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x6bmu/why_did_the_cpa_change_careers/
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A kangaroo hops into the bar, the bartender, says "sorry we're closed"

The kangaroo says, "I thought you needed a bouncer"
*Ba dum tiss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x68e5/a_kangaroo_hops_into_the_bar_the_bartender_says/
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My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

Looks like the boa cons tricked her...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x679g/my_wife_tried_to_order_an_exotic_snake_online_but/
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I went to dinner and there was a man dressed as a pirate at the bar (long)

I had to find out what the deal was with this guy so I sat down next to him.
We talked for a while and then eventually he turned towards me and that's when I noticed he had a ship steering wheel sticking right out of his pants.
I tried listening to his story but it was too distracting so finally I interrupted him.
"Hey do you know you've got a ship steering wheel coming out of your pants?"
"Argh, it's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x66v7/i_went_to_dinner_and_there_was_a_man_dressed_as_a/
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Someone stole my pen today.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x63yp/someone_stole_my_pen_today/
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My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting 9!
That's the best I've done so far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x61ln/my_german_girlfriend_likes_to_rate_our_sex/
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How many "friend-zones" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x5wcw/how_many_friendzones_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
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I met a girl at a vegan bar who told me she knew me

I never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x5m8m/i_met_a_girl_at_a_vegan_bar_who_told_me_she_knew/
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Why don't salmon watch cable television?

They prefer streams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x5jek/why_dont_salmon_watch_cable_television/
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Face is a four letter word...

But preface is a foreword letter...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x5h72/face_is_a_four_letter_word/
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I managed to cut a piece of wood by staring at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x5h15/i_managed_to_cut_a_piece_of_wood_by_staring_at_it/
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What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones
but people in ABU DHABI DOOOO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x5ag6/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
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Me and Michael J Fox have a hand shake...

he must really like it because he keeps practicing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x5685/me_and_michael_j_fox_have_a_hand_shake/
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Multiple choice question.

Where does a fish swim?
A.
B.
Or C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x560k/multiple_choice_question/
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Hear about the Stormtrooper band?

Apparently they never had a hit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x54ol/hear_about_the_stormtrooper_band/
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You can buy anything with dry grass

It's legal tinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x54iv/you_can_buy_anything_with_dry_grass/
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Three boys are fighting at the zoo

The zookeeper separates them and says: "Alright, I want each of you to tell me his name and what he's doing here."
The first boy says: "My name is Mitch and I was trying to feed peanuts to the gorillas."
The second boy says: "My name is Ali and I was trying to feed peanuts to the gorillas."
The third boy says: "My name is Peanuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x544u/three_boys_are_fighting_at_the_zoo/
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What do a midget albino and a tiny bucket have in common?

They are both a little pale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x51x3/what_do_a_midget_albino_and_a_tiny_bucket_have_in/
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A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"
The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x50g7/a_guy_walking_to_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
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Never judge a man, until you've walked a mile in his shoes...

Then you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x4yyd/never_judge_a_man_until_youve_walked_a_mile_in/
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Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry...

So they open a florist shop. Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, who seem to really have a way with their flowers, so business is quickly booming!
The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop, but they refuse.
A month later, things are even worse and the competing florist now begs the friars to close up shop because he is having trouble feeding his family!
Again, they refuse, so the desperate florist hires Hugh McTaggert to do his dirty work.
Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug in town and is being paid to "persuade" the friars to close their bustling little shop.
Hugh first of all asks the friars to close their florist shop in a very friendly and civil manner.
When they again refuse, he shifts gears and threatens to beat them within an inch of their lives and trash their shop, so given no other option, the friars agree to close.
This proves get again, that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x4x0a/two_friars_are_having_trouble_paying_off_the/
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Jesus promised the end of wicked people. Thor promised the end of frost giants.

I don't see many frost giants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x4tfl/jesus_promised_the_end_of_wicked_people_thor/
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An Eskimo buys a fridge

. His fellow Eskimo wonders: "What for?". The happy fridge owner answers: "To warm myself up. -50 degrees outside. -5 inside the fridge".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x4nrm/an_eskimo_buys_a_fridge/
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Trump marched into the white house

When trump became president obama was waiting for him at the white house.
Ob:Trump! You have to run around the entire white house while I time you, we have a little leaderboard said obama.
Dt:Ok, im fast, the fastest. When i run you cant even see me trust me! Replied trump, incidentally what are the other presidents times?
Obama looked at his notebook, well I took 8:23
, clinton took 8:40, nixon took 10:10 and bush did 9:11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x4hkg/trump_marched_into_the_white_house/
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Two flies are on a piece of shit

one fly farts, the other says "Heyy! I'm eating here ffs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x4db2/two_flies_are_on_a_piece_of_shit/
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The difference between football and my father?

Football's coming home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x4c6b/the_difference_between_football_and_my_father/
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Cartoonist found dead in his home.

Details are sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x4awq/cartoonist_found_dead_in_his_home/
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A clickbait writer dies and goes to hell.

And you won't **BELIEVE** what happens next!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x42o1/a_clickbait_writer_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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I tried to submit a patent for a gold plated butt plug, but some engineers at BMW beat me to it.

I guess they are already making overpriced toys for assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x41bs/i_tried_to_submit_a_patent_for_a_gold_plated_butt/
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A philosopher, an electrician and a redneck walk into a bar

And they started arguing what was the fastest thing ever:
- From my point of view - says the philosopher - it's the thought, it has gone through your mind before you even notice it!
- Well - Says the electrician - to me, it's electricity, the moment you turn the lights on, they're on! Boom! Immediately!
- I'm afraid you're wrong - claims the redneck - to me,  diarrhea is the fastest thing in the world.
Both stare at the redneck dumbfoundedly - diarrhea?!
- Heck yes, just yesterday I had bad diarrhea and just before I even thought of turning on the bathroom light, I had already shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x409k/a_philosopher_an_electrician_and_a_redneck_walk/
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What is it called when a Cowboy dies and then is resurrected into a new life?

Reintarnation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x401q/what_is_it_called_when_a_cowboy_dies_and_then_is/
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A man is on trial for murdering his wife...

The judge looks down and reads the charges, "The defendant, Mr. William Jones, has been charged with bludgeoning his wife to death with a hammer. How do you plead?"
Before the defendant can answer a man at the back of the room cries out, "YOU BASTARD!"
"Order in this court room!" the judge says, banging his gavel. "I know this is a horrific crime, but I will not tolerate outburst like that."
The defendant pleads not guilty, and again the man at the back of the room screams, "YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
"This is the last time I'm warning you!" the judge says, after several more bangs of the gavel. "Keep quiet, or I'll have you in contempt of court!"
The attorney for the prosecution presents his first piece of evidence. "Exhibit A, your honor. A craftsman hammer with the victims blood stains still on it."
Again the man at the back of the room screams, "YOU DIRTY COCK SUCKER!"
The judge is now furious. "Alright! I've had just about enough out of you! I don't care how much you loved the deceased, I will not tolerate-"
"You don't understand, your honor!" the guy says. "I lived next to this asshole for 15 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, that son of a bitch said he didn't have one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x3z6r/a_man_is_on_trial_for_murdering_his_wife/
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Girls in Russia don't say yes for sex.

They say "Putin".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x3wj6/girls_in_russia_dont_say_yes_for_sex/
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A married man suffering from stuttering consulted a famous doctor

The doctor carefully examines the patient and comes to a conclusion that his dick is too huge and needs to be replaced with a smaller one. After a long pause, the patient agrees and had the surgery. When he woke up, his stuttering was gone and was satisified.
After a few weeks he comes back to the clinic.
Patient: Doc, I'm now having marital problems. My wife doesn't want to make love to me anymore. Please give me back my old dick back.
Doctor: Nnnononono cccacacannn dddododooo. A a a a a dddededeeaall iiiiss a a a a dddededeal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x3ujh/a_married_man_suffering_from_stuttering_consulted/
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When the little boys stuck in that cave in Thailand are rescued, there’s definitely gonna be a movie. There’s a ex US Navy Seal helping. They’re gonna make the movie all about him

and have Scarlett Johansen playing one of the Thai boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x3r29/when_the_little_boys_stuck_in_that_cave_in/
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I went to the library and asked the librarian for a book about suicide.

She said “Fuck off, you won’t bring jt back”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x3mwx/i_went_to_the_library_and_asked_the_librarian_for/
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What do you call a group of suspicious glowing pornstars?

Illuminaughties!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x3ivu/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_suspicious_glowing/
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If a monkey has 30 bananas in one hand and 40 in the other, what does he have?

Very large hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x3a9q/if_a_monkey_has_30_bananas_in_one_hand_and_40_in/
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My friend loves monorails. His greatest wish is to drive one.

I guess he’s got a one-track mind...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x39gr/my_friend_loves_monorails_his_greatest_wish_is_to/
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A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.
When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a joyride. He’s surprised to find that the driver is a doddering old woman who can barely see over the steering wheel.
“Do you know how fast you were going?” asks the officer.
The old lady gives him a sweet smile. “Officer, I was just going the speed limit. I never went even a smidgen over eighty-four.”
The police officer scratches his head. “Eighty-four? The speed limit here is sixty!”
“Oh, but those lovely signs all up and down the interstate say we should be going 84! But no one else seems to follow them...”
The cop sighs. “Ma’am, that’s the interstate number. You’re on I-84, the speed limit’s on a different sign.”
The officer tells the old lady that she’s free to go, but as he’s turning back to his car he sees two other old women in the backseat. They look shellshocked, one gripping her armrest for dear life, and the other vacantly staring into the distance.
“Are your passengers all right?” asks the officer.
“Oh, don’t worry about them.” says the old lady. “They’ll be fine- we just got off the 205.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x37lu/a_cop_is_sitting_by_the_highway_in_his_patrol_car/
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Gatorade!!

I walked in to the gas Station to get a GATORADE. Cause it’s hot as crap . When I walked up and noticed these 2 cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas. I saw her & thought, Is this lady stupid or crazy?
But anyway, I went on and got my GATORADE. As I was paying, I heard someone screaming.I looked out the window,the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm,running around going crazy! I ran outside,the cops had put her on the ground, they were putting the fire out with their coffees.
Then after they had successfully gotten the fire out, they put handcuffs on her,threw her in the police car.I was thinking, arrested, She should be in an ambulance,not handcuffed, So being the nosey person that I am,I asked the cops what they were arresting her for, they both looked me square in the eyes and said," FOR WAVING A FIRE ARM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x345w/gatorade/
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It must be really easy being a train conductor

All you have to do is stay on track

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x33sb/it_must_be_really_easy_being_a_train_conductor/
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Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump...

But i shouldn't compare apples and oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x31qh/steve_jobs_would_have_been_a_better_president/
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My Girlfriend and I were playing around with walkie talkies

Her: "Our relationship is over."
Me: "Our relationship is what? Over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x317y/my_girlfriend_and_i_were_playing_around_with/
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Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of joke

But they are a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x30pz/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite_kind_of_joke/
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What do a Christmas tree and a Catholic priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2zya/what_do_a_christmas_tree_and_a_catholic_priest/
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What do you call a fruit that cannot get married.

A cantelope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2wue/what_do_you_call_a_fruit_that_cannot_get_married/
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[NSFW]The news reporter asks the young man how bad the earth quake tremors were.

Young Man : So.. technically I was trying to pee, but ended up masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2vkz/nsfwthe_news_reporter_asks_the_young_man_how_bad/
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Police stopped me. I lit a candle.

"What is the candle for?" asked the policeman.
I said "You're gonna fuck me anyway. At least let it be romantic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2v74/police_stopped_me_i_lit_a_candle/
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A hunter tells an Inuit..

I'm so good, I've killed every penguin in the arctic.  "Piss off" says the Inuit, "Penguins are only found in the antarctic."
"Well, they are now" replies the hunter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2uub/a_hunter_tells_an_inuit/
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I’ve been smoking cigarettes for 25 years

I just don’t know how I haven’t gotten addicted yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2spi/ive_been_smoking_cigarettes_for_25_years/
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There has been some controversy lately...

...about what would happen if you put a lightsaber in water. Would it break? Would the water heat up or cool? Recent scientists have discovered the water will heat to about the internal temperature of a tauntaun...luke warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2qzb/there_has_been_some_controversy_lately/
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I've been suffering from amnesia...

Or was it dyslexia?
All I know is that I can't remember it and I sure as hell can't spell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2oae/ive_been_suffering_from_amnesia/
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A weasel walks into a bar

The bartender goes, "You dont see many weasels in this bar"
The weasal says, "Yeah, I guess you dont.."
The bartender says, "Well Mr. Weasel- what will it be?"
"Pop" goes the weasal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2m7z/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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I went to the doctor with a chest infection.

I asked the doctor, "TB or not TB?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2j5m/i_went_to_the_doctor_with_a_chest_infection/
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The Irishman and the three beers.

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2il4/the_irishman_and_the_three_beers/
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My hearing impaired son has finally come up with a name for his own thrash metal band.

Megadeaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2ha5/my_hearing_impaired_son_has_finally_come_up_with/
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Pets are like boobs

No matter how many times you see them, you still want to grab them and never let go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2h55/pets_are_like_boobs/
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Why are women like hurricanes?

When they come they're wild and wet but when they leave, they take your house and car with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2glw/why_are_women_like_hurricanes/
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A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.
But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river, into a forest of trees.
Finally, he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now,” he said, “you see that tree over there?” “Yes, yes, yes!,” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good!,” said the first bat. “Because I fucking didn’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2gel/a_vampire_bat_came_flopping_in_from_the_night/
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My friend is a cannibal, he's been trying to eat me for years.

He's a man after my own heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2cez/my_friend_is_a_cannibal_hes_been_trying_to_eat_me/
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A guy is walking, carrying a no-legged doggie in his arms.

A lady stops him:
“What a cute dog!”, she exclaims gleefully.. “What’s his name?”
“He doesn’t have one”, the guy replies. The lady is bewildered.
“Oh, no! Poor thing... how come you didn’t name him?”
The guy shrugs.
“If I’d call him, he wouldn’t come anyway”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2bvl/a_guy_is_walking_carrying_a_nolegged_doggie_in/
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I refuse to play poker with my friend because he has a tattoo of Jim Carrey from 1994 on his forearm.

He's always got an ace up his sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x2adr/i_refuse_to_play_poker_with_my_friend_because_he/
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What do you call someone masturbating on a plane?

A highjacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x298b/what_do_you_call_someone_masturbating_on_a_plane/
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Little Johnny was sitting in math class when the teacher posed a problem.

The teacher stated "There are 10 crows sitting on a fence when a farmer fires his shotgun.  Seven of the crows flew away.  How many are left?"
Johnny replied "There are none left."
The teacher replied "Well, if there are ten and seven leave, then there would be three left."
Johnny then pointed out that "If the farmer fired a shotgun ALL of the crows would fly away so there would be none left."
The teacher replied "Three is the correct answer to the question, but I like the way you think."
Johnny pondered it a moment and then asked the teacher if he could pose a question.  The teacher agreed t let him do so.
Johnny then said "There are three women sitting on a bench, each eating an ice cream cone.  The first one is taking small nibbles of her cone.  The second one is licking around the top of her ice cream.  The third one is putting the whole of the ice cream into her  mouth and swallowing.  Which of these three is married?"
The teacher replied, "Well, I'm not certain, but I'd say that the third one is married."
Johnny replied, "The lady wearing a wedding ring is the one that is married is the correct answer to the question.  But I like the way you think!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x286m/little_johnny_was_sitting_in_math_class_when_the/
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What do lumberjacks do when they're about to finish work?

Log off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x27t4/what_do_lumberjacks_do_when_theyre_about_to/
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My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x25u8/my_teacher_didnt_believe_me_when_i_said_i_had_36/
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What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x23nq/what_should_you_do_if_you_come_across_an_elephant/
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A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body

Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x210h/a_german_sausage_was_found_dead_this_morning_with/
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Intensity is inferior to three times as much as tension.

Because I < 3 U.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x1x4e/intensity_is_inferior_to_three_times_as_much_as/
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An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.
"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.
The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.
"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." The foreman points out a much larger tree.
One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.
"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"
"In the Sahara Forest." Replied the lumberjack.
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" Asked the foreman.
"That's why I'm here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x1tb3/an_african_lumberjack/
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Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x1rrv/fishermen_hate_him_you_wont_believe_the_one_item/
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Did you hear about the 70s style record company that burned down?

Yeah, it was a disc co. Inferno!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x1mum/did_you_hear_about_the_70s_style_record_company/
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I Was Sitting On A Train Next To A Hot Thai Girl

I Thought To Myself, 'Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection'. But She Did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x1kmc/i_was_sitting_on_a_train_next_to_a_hot_thai_girl/
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A zebra gets killed by a loin.

When the zebra gets to heaven he spots an angel and asks him “I’ve always wanted to know, am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?”.
The angel responds “ I don’t know, for that answer you will have to ask god himself”.
Even more curious now the zebra seeks out god, when he finds him he asks the same question. “God, did you make me white with black stripes or black with white stripes?”.
God responds “you are what you are”.
Slightly annoyed the zebra leaves. later he sees the same angel from before, and he asks the zebra “what did god say?!”
He tells the angel that god said “I am what I am” and shrugs.
The angel says, “well then that’s your answer! Your white with black stripes!”
The zebra now really confused, asks “how you figure?”
The angel responds, “if you were black with white stripes he would have said ‘you is what you is’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x1jrj/a_zebra_gets_killed_by_a_loin/
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Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids. I won!

No one's a match for me and my kettle...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x1i6l/just_had_a_water_fight_over_the_park_with_a_bunch/
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Why can't you scare a chemist?

...because they always lack the element of surprise...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x1g2z/why_cant_you_scare_a_chemist/
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Every time I urinate, I end up masturbating.

I never know if I'm coming or going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x1fcp/every_time_i_urinate_i_end_up_masturbating/
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"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?"

"Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x1et9/hey_son_what_has_4_legs_and_doesnt_breathe/
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A man comes home to find his mother-in-law passed out.

He rushes her to the hospital and doctors begin treating her.
Several hours later, the doctor returns and tells the man "Well I have some good news and bad news."
"Ok, what's the bad news?" He asks.
The doctor explains, "Well, your mother-in-law had a massive stroke and suffered tremendous brain damage, but she is going to live. But, she is paralyzed from the neck down and will no longer be able to feed herself. You'll also have to bathe her and assist her in going to the bathroom every day. Also, she has lost the ability to speak and all she can do is make a dreadful squealing sound."
The man just stands there for a moment, shocked, and finally asks "Oh my god, what's the good news???"
The doctor then laughed and said "I'm just kiddin', she's dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x1e5v/a_man_comes_home_to_find_his_motherinlaw_passed/
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What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x1e1i/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_a_bottle/
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Screaming Waitress

I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”
Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x19ag/screaming_waitress/
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So I sent my friend 10 puns hoping that at least one of them would get a laugh out of him.

No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x191o/so_i_sent_my_friend_10_puns_hoping_that_at_least/
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Two blondes were driving to Disneyland

The sign said, "Disneyland left."
They started to cry and went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x18w4/two_blondes_were_driving_to_disneyland/
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Chernobyl is like Disneyland

The only difference: The 7 ft mouse is real

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x17v7/chernobyl_is_like_disneyland/
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Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x17hx/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
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Who decided to call it "marijuana possession"…

…and not "joint custody?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x15on/who_decided_to_call_it_marijuana_possession/
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Death comes to take an old man

He knocks at his door and the old man opens it.  Death tells him  "I am here to rid you of your problems mortal".  "Alright" says the man and shouts for his wife to hear "Get up.  There is someone here looking for you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x14ov/death_comes_to_take_an_old_man/
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How do you get an one-armed person down a tree

Wave at them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x12f6/how_do_you_get_an_onearmed_person_down_a_tree/
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You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0ybj/you_know_theres_no_official_training_for_garbage/
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Why are so many pornstars so rich?

They get paid loads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0v7l/why_are_so_many_pornstars_so_rich/
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Be positive!

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion. As he was dying he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0v65/be_positive/
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A midget goes to the gynecologist...

A midget goes to the gynecologist:
Dr: How can I help you?
She: Doc, whenever it rains my vulva hurts, feels badly irritated...
Dr: Ok, so as it rains today, you are now feeling what you describe, right?
She: Yes, indeed...
Dr: please lay on the table I will check it out.
* she lays on the table, he looks, goes away and come back ans she hears he is busy with something *
Dr: There you go, you should feel better from now on.
She: But Doc, what did you do, I heard you busy but didn’t even feel anything
Dr: You just needed to get your rain boots shorten.
First joke post, not in my native language, don’t roast too much :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0v3d/a_midget_goes_to_the_gynecologist/
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I used to play triangle in a band

But I had to leave as is was just one ting after another!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0trq/i_used_to_play_triangle_in_a_band/
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My girlfriend told me she needed some time and distance…

I think she wants to calculate velocity…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0t6r/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_needed_some_time_and/
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What did Spiderman say when he worked at MacDonalds?

”With minimum wage comes minimum responsibility.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0s9d/what_did_spiderman_say_when_he_worked_at/
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A man goes to the doctor...

and the during his checkup the doctor says, "Good, good."
He asks the doctor, "What could possibly be good about this? I can barely walk."
To which the doctor replies, "It's a good thing I dont have what you have."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0ncq/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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A Muslim guy's girlfriend was killed for eating pork

RIP Haram bae

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0m1t/a_muslim_guys_girlfriend_was_killed_for_eating/
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I made fifty little old ladies say "Fuck" today.

when I yelled out "Bingo"... and I wasn't even playing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0l5r/i_made_fifty_little_old_ladies_say_fuck_today/
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I asked my cockney dad what I should buy my girlfriend for her birthday.

He said, 'You should give her a Pandora bracelet.'
So I gave her a pound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0ho5/i_asked_my_cockney_dad_what_i_should_buy_my/
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Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl going to the Bathroom?

Because the P is silent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0haw/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_going_to_the/
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer
What you you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still no eye deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitalia?
Still no fucking eye deer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0g9j/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
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I normally know a lot of money-related jokes...

But I can't think of any atm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0g80/i_normally_know_a_lot_of_moneyrelated_jokes/
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09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find murder victim.
09:51 Cordon off the area.
09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.
09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0g1t/0951_arrive_at_the_crime_scene/
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What's the best part of having a prostitute die on you?

The second hour is free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0dq7/whats_the_best_part_of_having_a_prostitute_die_on/
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I got called into human resources today because of a couple of incidents and was asked if I knew the difference between left and right wing. Outraged, I told them to fuck off as my politics was my business! They still fired me though...

...turns out aircraft are really expensive to fix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0dcu/i_got_called_into_human_resources_today_because/
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I couldn’t think of a joke when I had my leg amputated

I was stumped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0cl8/i_couldnt_think_of_a_joke_when_i_had_my_leg/
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11 out of 10 people are ...

fans of Spinal Tap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x0cet/11_out_of_10_people_are/
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What do you call someone who can conjure condiments at will?

A saucerer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x09m5/what_do_you_call_someone_who_can_conjure/
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An embarassing supermarket checkout . . .

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had a scratched bar code, making it unreadable to the scanner.
Imagine her embarrassment when the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “Price check on Tampax, supersize please.”
As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “thumbtacks.”
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, “Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x019a/an_embarassing_supermarket_checkout/
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Karma ranks 899th in popularity in 2018 as a girl’s name but choose it at your own risk.

Because they say “Karma’s a bitch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8x002n/karma_ranks_899th_in_popularity_in_2018_as_a/
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzyne/what_did_the_left_eye_say_to_the_right_eye/
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A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzx5j/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_give_me_a/
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A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass

Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.
"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree".
"Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the manager answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy feat, even for a car as large as it was.
One of the poor fellows turned to the Manager and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzwxl/a_highly_successful_manager_was_going_home_in_his/
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Scientists claim that after man dolphins rank 2nd in intelligence..

After that comes apes, then some species of parrots.
I guess that pushes women down to 5th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzwow/scientists_claim_that_after_man_dolphins_rank_2nd/
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So This Hitchhiker is walking down the Highway.....

He has long dark hair, a big parka, a giant backpack, and a hat on. As each car approaches he sticks out his thumb. Eventually a semi truck pulls over and says, “do you need a lift?” The hitchhiker says, “yes thank you” and gets in the truck. They drive a mile down the road in complete silence. Eventually the hitchhiker turns to the truck driver and says, “you know, with this big jacket on and my hat and long hair, I bet you didn’t know if I was a guy or a girl.” The truck looks him up and down, and is quiet for a moment. Eventually he looks back at the hitchhiker and says, “doesn’t matter imma fuck you anyway.”
Courtesy of my elderly grandfather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzv0q/so_this_hitchhiker_is_walking_down_the_highway/
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A Man and his young son are sitting outside, when one asks a question...

Son: Dad, what’s an alcoholic?
Dad: Son, you see those four trees over there? An alcoholic would see eight.
Son: but there are only two trees there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzt7k/a_man_and_his_young_son_are_sitting_outside_when/
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Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?

M'genta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzs6d/whats_a_fedora_clad_neck_bearded_gentlemens/
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Who's the richest fish in all the world?

Gill Bates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzrzh/whos_the_richest_fish_in_all_the_world/
%
A boss offered his employee a $1000 for a quickie

He told her that it would be real fast so no one would catch them. He'd throw the money on the floor and it would be over before she stands up.
She was reluctant at first, but it sounded so easy and her desperation was enough to consider it. She called her friend and asked her what she thought, she told her that she would be crazy not to accept, but she should milk him for his money and take $2000 instead.
The friend called her and asked "how was it?", she replied "It's still not over, the bastard is paying in quarters".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzrpu/a_boss_offered_his_employee_a_1000_for_a_quickie/
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Does anyone know where I can find the "Surrender" Emoji?

Nevermind the French flag works fine. 🇫🇷🇫🇷🇫🇷

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzpup/does_anyone_know_where_i_can_find_the_surrender/
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Why was the dyslexic entomologist sent to jail?

Incest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzoq0/why_was_the_dyslexic_entomologist_sent_to_jail/
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What’s a poor person’s favorite sandwich?

A plebeian J.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzo78/whats_a_poor_persons_favorite_sandwich/
%
What's Irish and lives in the garden?

Paddy O'Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzl5i/whats_irish_and_lives_in_the_garden/
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Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzk8i/patient_says_doctor_i_have_pain_in_my_eye/
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There are 26 letters in the Alphabet. If you take out ET, how many are left?

21 because E.T. leaves in his U,F.O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzjsb/there_are_26_letters_in_the_alphabet_if_you_take/
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Why do aliens avoid having sex in public?

They prefer to come in peace

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzjiy/why_do_aliens_avoid_having_sex_in_public/
%
A Big Hole In The Ground

These two men are walking through the woods one day and they come across a big hole in the ground. Now this hole is huge, like some sort of endless pit. So the one man says to the other, “I wonder how deep this hole is?”
He then proceeds to pick up a rock and toss it in the humongous hole. They listen... nothing. The other man then grabs a large stick and throws it in.... Nothing.
At this point the two men are really intrigued over this large hole. So they look around a little for something bigger to throw in, and they come across a railroad tie. They both grab an end, walk it over to the hole, and throw it in.
The men are looking down the hole when all of a sudden they hear this noise in the woods. They look over and see this goat running all over the place. It’s ziging and zaging between trees and going all over the place. Then it runs right up and dives into the hole.
Now the two men are thinking, what the hell was that? They had no idea what that goat was doing. So they decide to just keep walking.
A little ways down they run into a farmer, and the farmer asks them if they’d seen his goat. The two men tell him that they saw a goat come running out of the woods and jump into this huge hole. But the farmer says that couldn’t have been his, cause he tied his goat to a railroad tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzdmt/a_big_hole_in_the_ground/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wzcu3/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
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Holy Grail

There was once an archeologist on the search for the mythical "Holy Grail", he wanted eternal life and was SURE there was truth to the tale. He had hunted for years and found references in ancient documents that pointed to a hint supposedly at a distant burial ground that he could discern only to be deep in the wilderness of an African jungle. To even get to where he was to the mystical burial site he needed to get to Cairo, Egypt then transfer to a small plane to land at a rural airstrip in the middle of nowhere then get a guide to hike him to a small village where he could get a canoe and go upriver to a place not even on the maps, hike for days and find this ancient burial cave.
There was another reason beyond fame and fortune he wanted to find the Holy Grail.. He had just discovered one other fact.. His nagging cough was not bronchitis, it was cancer. Terminal. He HAD to find the Holy Grail, NO MATTER WHAT.
So he goes through flying to Cairo, charters a small plane, gets a guide from the small airstrip, gets to the village, trades goods for a canoe, and goes entirely off the map to this area of deep wilderness.
He finds the burial grounds and discovers, deep in a cave, a clay pot with a scroll. Translating it he discovers that the Holy Grail is not a gift of immortality, it is four special words spoken by a head monk of a secret convent, passed on from generation to generation over thousands of years, which will give one the necessary holy information to live a long and fruitful life. Four magic words spoken by a monk. But there's a caveat, the monk is only able to give this information on the summer solstice, why not, at sundown from the top of a mountain.. The coordinates of which were described in ancient texts to mysteriously be on the other side of the planet, a place undiscovered at the ancient time of the burial grounds place in history. It was truly divine knowledge.
The Summer Solstice was only one week away! The archeologist had only months to live! He HAD to make it there immediately!
He got in his canoe, fought the river currents, and made it, after two days, to the small village. From there he hired, at a great cost, the same guide that got him back to the airstrip. A pilot happened to be just loading up his small plane, he hitched a ride for a considerable cost and landed in Cairo. From there he booked the first flight to South America.
In Brasília, the capitol of Brazil , he managed to charter a small plane to a rural airstrip, deep within the jungle. From there he hired a guide to get to a small village where he spent the last of his money begging to buy a canoe from locals that didn't have much use for currency. He went far up river and finally, days after his discovery deep in the jungles of Africa, he comes to the base of the fabled mountain.. Just hours before sunset.
Haggard, unshaven, exhausted and already feeling the impacts of terminal cancer, he takes the first steps up the trail. Suddenly a monk steps out of the brush and says, in perfect English (of course), "You must be the chosen one."
"Yes! Yes! I am! I must have the Phrase of the Holy Grail! What is it?!"
The monk replies, "You must prove your worthiness, by sundown you must reach the top of the hill to receive the phrase which will grant you the gift of how to live. There will be three tests along the way. The first is this one, go into the jungle here and find the Umbuto plant. The fruit of it is deadly."
The monk reaches behind a tree and hands him a pair of large pruning sheers. Rubber handled, sharp, and something you'd find for $39.99 at Home Depot.
"You will need these throughout your quests. Go, cut the fruit from the tree."
The archeologist quickly runs off and does so. Upon his return the monk quickly hands it to a native that darts from the foliage and disappears just as fast as he came.
"Cutting those berries was your first task of three. They are now being pummeled down to a poisonous juice which will be placed on the darts of the tribe. If you fail at either of the next two trials you will be stricken by many of these darts and die within moments."
"Hell", the archeologist thought to himself, "I'm dead anyway if I don't get there, so, uh, same difference." He started off without another word, looking to the lowering sun through the jungle.
"Good Luck!" the monk yelled after him.
After some time fighting through the thick brush, sweat pouring off his body, fighting the heat and exhaustion, he came upon a deep ravine, some 30 foot across. There was no passing it.
Suddenly, completely neat and clean, not a drop of sweat on his brow, the same monk stepped out of the jungle.
"For your second quest you must build a rope ladder from the vines and cross this treacherous ravine."
The archeologist takes the sheers and deeply determined, heads off into the jungle. He looks to the lowering sun and jumps into action, cutting vines, tying a rock to one, tossing it over the ravine and after a few hours he's built himself a rickity but passable rope bridge out of the vines.
Running now, sprinting and stumbling his way through the jungle, the sheers over his shoulder, he is almost to the top of the mountain. The sun is dipping below the edge of the horizon.. He must make it there in time!
Suddenly he reaches the top, running, out of breath, he looks around, seeing only a barren rock overlooking the jungle landscape.
From behind a boulder the same monk calmly steps out.
"What's my last quest?!" The archeologist practically screams at the monk.
The monk holds out a simple string, pulled tight, from the thumb and pointer finger of each hand.
"Cut it."
The sun was now a sliver on the horizon.
"C--C--Cut the--the--String?"
"Yes."
As the Sun dipped below the horizon the archeologist reached out with the sheers, hands shaking, and SLICE! the string became two, he cut the length of twine.
There was a moment of quiet, the archeologist dropped the sheers to the rock they were standing on.
"You have passed the three quests and have proven yourself worthy."
"What.. What is the Holy Grail? What are the four words?" the archeologist stammered out.
"The four words, which will grant you a long and fulfilling life, are these."
A deathly silence overtook the mountaintop as the light of the evening faded.
"Don't. Run. With. Scissors."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wza8f/holy_grail/
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Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wz9bo/hillary_clinton_is_elected_president/
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If the answer to “what do you call a blind reindeer?” is ‘no idea’, what do you call a blind reindeer that can’t walk?

Still no idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wz784/if_the_answer_to_what_do_you_call_a_blind/
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3 guys talking at the bar about sex with their girlfriends.

Guy 1 "my girl loves it doggy style."
Guy 2 "well my old lady loves to do it 69 style."
They look at the 3rd guy. Guy 1 asks  "why so quiet?"
Guy 3 seems reluctant and they encourage him.
Guy 2 "hey we told you about our girls so spill the beans"
Guy 3 "well if I had to guess I would say she likes the masonairy position."
The other two guys look at one another then Guy 1 asks " um don't you mean missionary positions?"
To which Guy 3 replies " naw she just lays there like a fucking brick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wz5f7/3_guys_talking_at_the_bar_about_sex_with_their/
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So they say masturbation regularly is supposed to increase how long you live by about a year and a half.

I have done the math, and figured out that I am, in fact, immortal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wz3kz/so_they_say_masturbation_regularly_is_supposed_to/
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What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?

UCLA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wz0k0/what_happens_when_the_smog_lifts_over_los_angeles/
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It might be rare but I know this really friendly and non-provocative vegan.

She has never had a beef with anyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wytkw/it_might_be_rare_but_i_know_this_really_friendly/
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A Jewish man dies and goes to hell...

He’s greeted by the devil as soon as he gets there. “Welcome!” The devil has a massive grin on his face, puts his arm around the guy and starts to show him Hell. “Over here you see we have a multitude of mansions for you to pick from, or create any kind of living space you so dream of. In hell, you can do anything! Literally whatever you desire will be yours.” They walk past a set of giant doors. You can hear tons and tons of blood curdling screaming, see the smoke billowing, and smell the brimstone. “What’s behind that door?” The Jewish man asks.
“Oh that’s the Christians, that’s just how they want it for some reason.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wyt1p/a_jewish_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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A woman in labor suddenly started shouting,

“Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t! Shouldn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor, “those are just contractions.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wyq1t/a_woman_in_labor_suddenly_started_shouting/
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Kansas, Colorado, New Mexico, and Texas are all about to Outlaw Interstate Begging

These four states are all against the Oklahoma panhandle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wyl64/kansas_colorado_new_mexico_and_texas_are_all/
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My dad drove my mom to the hospital when her water broke.

He drove safely all the way there, but they ended up having an accident anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wyl56/my_dad_drove_my_mom_to_the_hospital_when_her/
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I don’t care what anyone says about Neymar faking hurt

he’s still my roll model!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wyhz7/i_dont_care_what_anyone_says_about_neymar_faking/
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Long Lines

A young boy likes the prettiest girl in school and decides to ask her out to prom. Due to her being so pretty, there's a long line he waits in to ask her out.
The young boy realized that he needed a corsage for his pretty date so he goes to buy one. Due to it being so close to prom, he waits in the corsage line.
The young boy forgets his suit and tie and heads out to rent one. Due to all the forgetful young boys, he waits in the long suit line.
The young boy decides he wants to travel in style and goes to rent a limousine. With all the limousines in high demand, he waits in the limo line.
Finally they get to the prom and are so excited for the big night. Unfortunately, to get in they have wait in a long entry line.
Once inside, the young boy's date asks him to get her some punch. When he gets to the punch bowl he is amazed to see that there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wyh7g/long_lines/
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If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US,

He will be rolling in his grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wygkz/if_snoop_dogg_dies_before_pot_becomes_legal_in/
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What do you call a stripper with a spear?

A pole lancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wyfzu/what_do_you_call_a_stripper_with_a_spear/
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A man told his wife he was going to the supermarket.

Man: I'm going to get get a carton of milk.
Wife: Okay, if you see bananas, get 6.
The man comes home with 6 cartons of milk.
Wife: What the hell!!! Why did you bring 6 cartons of milk!
Man: I saw bananas at the supermarket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wyewu/a_man_told_his_wife_he_was_going_to_the/
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A man just gets released from prison

A friend of his ask so how was it in there? The man replies it was terrible, on my first day a big ass motherfucker held me up against the railing on the fourth floor and said you can either jump off or im gonna  fuck you in the ass. The friend shocked said so did you jump? The man replies yea a little at first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wyed7/a_man_just_gets_released_from_prison/
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My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator...

But now it’s just water under the fridge...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wybte/my_wife_was_furious_at_me_for_kicking_dropped/
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After I had my vasectomy, my friends asked me if anything had changed in the bedroom

I replied "there isn't a vas deferens"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wy9vu/after_i_had_my_vasectomy_my_friends_asked_me_if/
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A wife has a gynecologist appointment tomorrow

A husband and wife were lying in bed. Getting in the mood, he started caressing her to turn her on.
"Sorry," she said, "I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to make sure I'm fresh and undisturbed before she inspects me."
He rolled over, feeling a little disappointed.
A moment later, he rolls back over and says, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wy86u/a_wife_has_a_gynecologist_appointment_tomorrow/
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What do you call an unsolicited nude video?

A dick.mov

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wy6qa/what_do_you_call_an_unsolicited_nude_video/
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“Father, forgive me, for it has been a long time since I’ve been to confession,

A man went into a confessional booth and
discovered a fully equipped bar with beer on
tap and a wall stocked with a dazzling array
of the finest Cuban cigars. When the priest
walked into the room the man said, “Father,
forgive me, for it has been a long time since
I’ve been to confession, but I must say the
confessional box is much more inviting than
I remember.”
“Get out,” the priest ordered. “You’re on
my side.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wy6c0/father_forgive_me_for_it_has_been_a_long_time/
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The shovel.

The discovery of the shovel was a truly groundbreaking moment for humankind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wy3by/the_shovel/
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What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?

A "Pi-thon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wxym4/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_is_314_meters_long/
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A Man walks into a bar......

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman “if I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”
Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says “sure , Impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!”
So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well.
The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing !
The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and asks”where did you find him?”
“Well “says the man, “I found this magic lamp”Goes back in to the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp.
“I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness”
“Wow” says the barman.
The man then says “as you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp”
“Be careful what you wish for tho”
So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish………
Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!!
The barman shouts at the man saying,” I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!“
To this the man replies, ” And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?! “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wxx4a/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did the man get a divorce?

Well, last week was the man's birthday. His wife didn't wish him a happy birthday. His kids and his parents forgot as well. He went to work and not even one of his colleagues wished him a happy birthday. As the man entered his office, his secretary said "Happy birthday, boss!" The man felt so special. She asked him out for lunch. After lunch, she invited him to her apartment. When they got there, she said "do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay" he said. She came out with a birthday cake, his wife, parents, kids, and colleagues all yelling "SURPRISE!" while he was waiting on the couch naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wxw6u/why_did_the_man_get_a_divorce/
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Why did the scarecrow win the competition.

He was out-standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wxutj/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_competition/
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A black guy with a parrot

Walks into a bar and pulls up a chair, he sits down and the bartender says, "Holy shit, that's fucking awesome! Where'd you get it?" The parrot says, "Africa. They're fucking everywhere!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wxrdu/a_black_guy_with_a_parrot/
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If you do a Google search for "lost mideivel servant boy"

It will tell you "this Page cannot be found."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wxokm/if_you_do_a_google_search_for_lost_mideivel/
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Found out my wife is pregnant with twin boys. I was nervous, but she's not. I guess I gotta hand it to her...

...she's got more balls than I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wxg1b/found_out_my_wife_is_pregnant_with_twin_boys_i/
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What do you call Tesla's new car smell?

Elon's Musk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wxdrr/what_do_you_call_teslas_new_car_smell/
%
As a young boy I dreamt of touching the stars.

Then I met Kevin Spacey. :-(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wxd0m/as_a_young_boy_i_dreamt_of_touching_the_stars/
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A guy loves motorcycles, especially vintage ones. After years of trying to save money for one, he finally found a used, vintage Harley-Davidson...

A guy loves motorcycles, especially when it comes to vintage motorcycles. After years of trying to save money in order to buy one, he finally found a used, vintage Harley-Davidson at a great price. When he saw the motorcycle for the first time, he was stunned because of how clean and bright it was. After finalizing the deal, he asks the previous owner how he managed to preserve the bike in such a good condition. The previous owner replies:
"Look, I will tell you the secret: you don't need to do much. But, every time it rains, you have to run outside as fast as possible and cover the whole motorcycle with Vaseline. Take this jar, it will help you."
The guy leaves with a jar of Vaseline and the precious advice and heads to his house, where his girlfriend is waiting for him, as he will visit her parents' house for the first time for dinner. While they are on their way to the house on the Harley-Davidson, she warns him:
"My parents are weird with some stuff. For example, during dinner, no one is allowed to talk. No one. We have absolute silence. As a matter of fact, the penalty for the first one who talks, is that he or she has to do the dishes."
They arrive at the house and, as the front door opens, he sees dirty dishes everywhere. The kitchen is full of dirty dishes, he heads to the living room, he sees dirty dishes, he goes to the room to find dirty dishes all over the place, the whole house has dirty dishes. He is curious, but asks nothing.
Dinner time arrives and he, his girlfriend, her father and her mother sit at the table. They start eating, but nobody talks. Fifteen minutes pass by and he is starting to reach his limit, he realizes that he won't make it, but he can't say anything because of all the dishes. So, he decides to take action.
He heads to his girlfriend, he starts kissing her and then he starts groping her, in front of her parents, who look at them, but don't talk. Then, he puts his girlfriend on the table, takes her clothes off and they start having sex. Both the parents are visibly angry, they sweat, but they say no word at all.
After finishing with his girlfriend, furious that no one talked, he heads to her mother. She was a nice woman, despite her age she looked great. Same story, he kisses her, starts groping her and, after seeing again that no one would talk, starts having sex with her.
Again no one talked, despite everyone being stunned and furious. Just after they finished, he hears a lightning. He looks out of the window and sees dark clouds gathering outside. At that moment, he remembers the advice about his Harley-Davidson, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket, so his girlfriend's father gets up terrified and shouts:
"NO, NO, I WILL DO THE DISHES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wx9or/a_guy_loves_motorcycles_especially_vintage_ones/
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I found $27 in loose change in my girlfriend’s PT Cruiser, but she was visibly upset.

She said I cut the resale value in half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wx6i5/i_found_27_in_loose_change_in_my_girlfriends_pt/
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A couple decide to set up a prostitution scheme to earn some extra cash...

The husband and wife agree that they need more money so the husband becomes the hustler and his wife decides to be the hooker.
One day they’re ready to start the scheme and are sat in the car. The husband says “right, you go off round the corner and wait for a customer and I’ll stay here as backup”.
So the wife goes off and sure enough a man pulls up and says “how much for sex honey?”. The wife says “give me a second” and goes back to her husband.
“He wants to know how much for sex?” Says the wife. “£50” the husband replies. So she goes back to the car and tells the driver.
“I haven’t got that much darling. What can you do for £25?”. So the wife goes back to her husband and asks him. “Well, give him a blowjob for £25”, the husband says.
The wife goes back to the car and gets in with the man. He agrees to go for a blowjob so undoes his trousers and pulls out the biggest penis she’s ever seen. “Excuse me a second”, says the wife, and goes back to her husband.
“How much for sex was it?” She says. “£50” replies the husband. The wife replies “hmm, do you think you could lend that bloke £25?”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wx10b/a_couple_decide_to_set_up_a_prostitution_scheme/
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A completely drunk man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wx0jl/a_completely_drunk_man_was_stumbling_down_the/
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Did you hear about the grandfather that overdosed on viagara?

They couldn’t close his casket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wwsda/did_you_hear_about_the_grandfather_that_overdosed/
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One hot and dry day in the Wild West, this dog walks into a saloon and says, "Gimme a beer".

Evidently this type of thing wasn't too rare 'round those parts because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here." The dog then took out a silver dollar, dropped it on the bar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer." This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartender, getting a little irate, said one more time, "We do not serve dogs here. Please leave." The dog growled, so the bartender pulled out a gun and shot the dog in the foot! The dog yelped, and ran out the door.
The next day, the swinging bar doors were tossed open and in walks the dog that had been in the saloon the day before. He was dressed all in black. A black cowboy hat, a black vest, three black cowboy boots and one black bandage. The dog looks around, waits for the talking to quiet down, and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wwndd/one_hot_and_dry_day_in_the_wild_west_this_dog/
%
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travellers here!"

A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wwicv/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travellers/
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Why did Superboy never need a babysitter?

He always had super vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wwi0j/why_did_superboy_never_need_a_babysitter/
%
Descartes walls into a bar and starts talking to the Bartender...

After 5 minutes of general talk, the Bartender wonders what Descartes is doing there.
Bartender: Hey man, are you going to order a beer or what?
Descartes: I think not.
(Descartes disappears).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wwh6v/descartes_walls_into_a_bar_and_starts_talking_to/
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What do you call two Mexicans fighting each other?

JUAN ON JUAN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wwgxu/what_do_you_call_two_mexicans_fighting_each_other/
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I was pretty nervous when i decided to star in my first porno

But I got over it when I imagined everyone naked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wwg7j/i_was_pretty_nervous_when_i_decided_to_star_in_my/
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If everyone on Earth stood in a single file line around the equator

most of them would drown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wwecc/if_everyone_on_earth_stood_in_a_single_file_line/
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A sex scene came up on the telly.

My ten-year-old son was next to me. I said, "Put your hands over your eyes."
He said, "Why!"
I said, "Just do. I didn't realise these bits made it into the wedding video."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wwc8v/a_sex_scene_came_up_on_the_telly/
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A boy scout asks his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wwa8i/a_boy_scout_asks_his_scout_leader_sir_is_this/
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Just put Toys R Us General Manager on your resume.

Who are they gonna ask?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ww8q1/just_put_toys_r_us_general_manager_on_your_resume/
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Three Jamaican guys were invited to a fancy dress party where people had to dress up as an emotion.

The first one turns up in a dress.
Confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"
"I"m in distress, mon," he replied.
The second Jamaican guy turns up stark naked but with a teddy bear on his knob.
Even more confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"
"I"m in despair, mon," he replied.
Shortly after, the third Jamaican guy turns up, stark naked with his cock in a bowl of custard.
Completely confused, the host asks, "what the hell are you supposed to be?"
He replies, "I"m fucking disgusted, mon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ww8bs/three_jamaican_guys_were_invited_to_a_fancy_dress/
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Gary and his wife are having hard financial times,

so they decide that she’ll become a lady of the night. She’s not quite sure what to do, because she is new to this, so Gary says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred twenty bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the down the road.” She’s standing there for 10 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”  She says, “A hundred twenty dollars.” He says, “All I got is 50”.  She says, “hang on,” and runs back to Gary and asks, “What can he get for 50?” “A hand job”, Gary replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for 50 dollars is a hand job.  He agrees.  She gets in the car.  He unzips his pants, and out pops this huge member. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be back in a second.”  She runs back to Gary, and asks, “Can you loan this guy 70 bucks?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ww81n/gary_and_his_wife_are_having_hard_financial_times/
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Some guys at the gym called me a fat loser today

I'm glad they notice my effort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ww7y5/some_guys_at_the_gym_called_me_a_fat_loser_today/
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How did pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?

His hand caught fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ww7aa/how_did_pinocchio_find_out_he_was_a_wooden_boy/
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A little slow

Guy hears a knock at his door, opens up and sees a snail on his doormat, so he kicks the snail out into the yard. A couple months later he hears another knock at his door, opens up and there’s the snail, who looks up and says “what the hell was that all about?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ww77g/a_little_slow/
%
How do you annoy a Pink Floyd fan?

Play their music on shuffle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ww6tl/how_do_you_annoy_a_pink_floyd_fan/
%
A Native American boy goes to his chief with a question

“Chief Running Bear, where do our names come from?”
The Chief replied, “You are named after the first thing we see in nature after you are born. Soon after I was born, my chief saw a bear running through the trees, so I am named Running Bear. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ww5i4/a_native_american_boy_goes_to_his_chief_with_a/
%
What is E.T. Short for?

Because he has small legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ww59h/what_is_et_short_for/
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Where do Egyptians go when their backs hurt?

The Cairo-practor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wvz2b/where_do_egyptians_go_when_their_backs_hurt/
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what does a crow say when it sees a car coming?

car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wvvjb/what_does_a_crow_say_when_it_sees_a_car_coming/
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Just caught an Alien in the freezer masturbating into a packet of frozen veg!

"What the fuck are you doing?" I shouted.
"Please don't hurt me." He replied. "I cum in peas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wvti8/just_caught_an_alien_in_the_freezer_masturbating/
%
What's the most expensive kind of haricut?

Chemotherapy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wvli5/whats_the_most_expensive_kind_of_haricut/
%
I needed to turn my life around so I did a 360

Because spins are fun and change is fucking hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wvl04/i_needed_to_turn_my_life_around_so_i_did_a_360/
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Four guys were working on a construction site

They were talking about life and one of them misstepped on the scaffolding, fell from the fourth floor, hit his head and died on the spot.
His friends were all shaken. They called 911, took all legal actions they should and their friend's body was removed.
One of them, noticing they faced a problem, said:
"Who's gonna tell his wife about this?
"I'm not doing it!" Said another one.
"Neither am I! You should do it!" Said the other.
"I'm not going!" Said the first one.
"Well, you're the most educated of us. It's better that you go, any other of us could deliver the news in a wrong way and give her a heart attack." Said the second guy.
"All right, all right. I know how to do this." Said the first one and left to tell the new widow the sad news.
The other two remained to close up the site and tidy up the place. A few minutes later the first guy comes back, six-pack of beer under his arm, drinking a cold one.
"What the hell? Didn't you go tell the widow about our friend?" Said one guy.
"I did exactly that." He said, taking another gulp.
"And why are you back here with a six-pack?"
"Well, I went to her house and she was at the door. I asked her: 'Aren't you the widow who was married to that guy who died on the construction site?'
'No, I'm not' she said.
Then I said: 'Wanna bet a six-pack on it?'"
*Sorry if this has been posted before. My father told me this one and I wanted to share.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wvjig/four_guys_were_working_on_a_construction_site/
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My son asked me how his life started.

I sat him down and told him, "Well son, it all started with a big bang".
He said, "No dad, I know about that, I meant my life".
"That's what I'm talking about", I replied, "it was your mum, me and five other fellas".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wviwu/my_son_asked_me_how_his_life_started/
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Temel walks into a bar...

He orders 3 beers and clinks glasses to each other before drinking them all and leaves. Next week he comes again, orders 3 beer and drinks them after doing the ritual. Bartender curiously asks why he's doing that and Temel replies;
"me and my two brothers separated last year and we made a promise to drink for each other every weekend to remember our old drinking days. "
A few monts passes, every weekend Temel comes, drinks 3 and leaves. One day Temel walks into bar and when bartender reaches to glasses Temel says ;
" only 2 beer this time."
Bartender sadly asks ;
"Which one of your brothers died? "
and temel replies; " None of them died, I stopped drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wvhes/temel_walks_into_a_bar/
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What’s a communist’s least favorite body part?

The eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wvhay/whats_a_communists_least_favorite_body_part/
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My friend Richard always says, "you are what you eat"

His nickname checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wvg5c/my_friend_richard_always_says_you_are_what_you_eat/
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A man gets a call from a doctor...

...who informs him that he needs to get to the hospital ASAP as his wife has been involved in a very serious traffic collision. The man gets to the hospital and is met at the doors by the Doctor. "Don't tell me she's dead, doc", says the man, "I don't think I could live without my wife, I can't think of anything worse". The doctor takes the man over to some chairs, sits him down and says "It's good news, your wife is alive. She's in the ICU as we speak. The man is relieved and is jumping with joy. "However", says the doctor. The man goes quiet, sits down and gives the doctor a long, hard stare. "You wife sustainded some intensive nerve damage during the collision", says the doc, "it's mainly her spine and spinal cord. I'm afraid she's completely and totally paralyzed". The man looks at the doctor in shock.
The doctor continues: "You wife will be a total vegetable. She won't be able to move at all". The mans eyes start to swell with tears.
The doctor continues: "What this means is she'll need 24 hour care and a live in nurse. She'll need feeding and breathing tubes, as well as a catheter. All of which will need replacing regularly". The man is crying by now.
The doctor continues: "All of this will cost $100,000 a year and I've just gotten off the phone with your insurance and they're not going to cover it. By now the man is in hysterics, screaming about where's the money is going to come from, how he's retired and lives day by day.
With that, the doctor puts his arm around the man, looks into his eyes, smiles and goes: "I'm just fucking with you; she's dead!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wvecn/a_man_gets_a_call_from_a_doctor/
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[Long] Robert married Jenny....

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:
'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
[Edit] : the formatting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wvbfz/long_robert_married_jenny/
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Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wv7lw/just_had_a_guy_threaten_to_attack_me_with_the/
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I knew calculus would kill me some day

... I should have seen the warning sines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wv61b/i_knew_calculus_would_kill_me_some_day/
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No exit

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wuzkt/no_exit/
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A dickhead walks into a bar...

And the bartender says, "Hey, why the schlong face!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wuv0j/a_dickhead_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three cowboys

sit around a campfire.
One starts to brag about himself.
"I'm so tough, one time one of my bulls got crazy but I quickly realized that I was out of ammo so I fought him with my bare hands!"
The cowboy next to him laughs.
"That's nothing! This one time I fought a pack of wolfs during a blizzard. They came at me like demons from hell but I fought them off goddamnit!
They both look at the the other cowboy expecting him to tell his story but he is just standing there poking the fire with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wuurx/three_cowboys/
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I regret getting a manager position at soda factory...

It's so-da-grading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wurzu/i_regret_getting_a_manager_position_at_soda/
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What swear words cause the most suffering?

"I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wumir/what_swear_words_cause_the_most_suffering/
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Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wuk8j/friends_are_like_bananas/
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My Cocaine Is So White

Police Let It Go With A Warning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wuila/my_cocaine_is_so_white/
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A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel..

lobby for discussing their winning games.
The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wuf8w/a_group_of_chess_enthusiasts_were_kicked_out_of_a/
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Why does Mike Tyson use an engineer's tape measure instead of a carpenter's tape measure?

Because he finds the experience much more in tenths.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wueu3/why_does_mike_tyson_use_an_engineers_tape_measure/
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A young couple decides to have sex for the first time.

As they're undressing each other, the woman removes the man's shoes and socks. "What's the matter with your toes?"
"Oh that, when I was younger I suffered from toelio"
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, no, toelio, it's like polio but it only affects the toes."
They go a little farther and she removes his pants. "What's wrong with your knees?"
"I had kneesles. It's like measles but it only affects the knees."
When she finally removes his underwear, she takes one look and says, "Let me guess. You had smallcox too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wue92/a_young_couple_decides_to_have_sex_for_the_first/
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A woman asked me what a creampie was

I made sure to fill her in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wud1d/a_woman_asked_me_what_a_creampie_was/
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A long time ago, there was a hermit preist who accepted guests for only one day, every ten years...

The hermit was the holiest of men and it was a great honor to be invited to his home, so the town would select their best citizen to go. The citizen could also bring a guest.
The good citizen, who was selected, knew the town Drunk. He wanted to save the man or at least teach him humility. So he chose the drunk to go with him.
As they walked through the forest to the hermitage, the good citizen said to the drunk, "The hermit is a holy man above all others living. Please do not do anything that would offend him or he will send us away. I'm doing this for you to learn humility because I am not convinced you have any."
The drunk said, "I will be as polite to him as I can manage."
They arrived at the Hermitage and walked inside. The hermit, being a very lage man, sat waiting. He motioned for them to step forward.
The good citizen falls to his knees while the drunk stands. The good citizen says, "O, wise hermit, I'm the best citizen in the town. I have worked tirelessly for my fellow man. I have come to you to save only one more soul and to teach him what humility is."
He noticed the Drunk didn't say anything so he slapped him on the leg. The drunk says, "O, wise hermit, I have only one thing to tell you." At this point the drunk told a joke that was so bawdy and raunchy and feral that it has been lost to history.
The good citizen sat aghast. The Hermit was stone-faced like a monument, but motioned for them to step forward. The good citizen stood to step forward and the hermit shook his head and waved him off and pointed at the drunk.
The drunk being very surprised stepped forward cautiously. The Hermit leaned in close to the man and said, "Alright, stop me if you've heard this one..."
NOTE: This is a very old joke that my grandfather used to tell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wuczo/a_long_time_ago_there_was_a_hermit_preist_who/
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Why is Cheese Frankenstein so scary?

He’s a Muenster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wuc8a/why_is_cheese_frankenstein_so_scary/
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An ok dude dies and goes to heaven

Reaching the Pearly Gates, he sees Saint Peter, who stops him immediately. Saint Peter then says :
"Hey you, where do you think you're going ?"
"Inside", says the guy.
"Inside?" The Saint wonders. "Let me check my books for a while."
So, a couple minutes pass and he finally finds him.
"Hmm, I see. It appears that you are an ok dude, average, never done anything super bad or anything really good. So, to let you inside our fine establishment, you're gonna have to tell me a really nice thing you did that I might not know."
The guy thinks for a moment and says :
"Ok there Saint Peter, I'll tell you a story then. I was walking down a dark alley, when all of a sudden I saw about fifteen punks trying to rape a poor girl. It was awful. I sprinted all the way, and grabbed they heaviest thing I could find. I went to their leader and BLAM, I opened his head with this huge rock I found. I took 2 steps back and shouted to the others "Come on, you bastards!!! You either let her go or I'll finish you!!" "
Saint Peter amazed, his mouth open, says :
"Holy shit dude! You managed to take the other 14 punks all by yourself? How did we miss that? When did it happen?
"Oh well. About 5 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wuc8e/an_ok_dude_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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1 ball said to the other

dont talk to the middle one, he's a total dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wubso/1_ball_said_to_the_other/
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What’s a Mathematician’s best friend?

Absolute units

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wuarz/whats_a_mathematicians_best_friend/
%
My 2-year-old wouldn't come out of the carnival bounce house, so the attendant had to go in and get him

I really thought I wouldn't have to worry about him getting thrown out of places by bouncers until he got older.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wu9mn/my_2yearold_wouldnt_come_out_of_the_carnival/
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A Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar...

...There is normally an Englishman as well, but he is at the World Cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wu898/a_scotsman_an_irishman_and_a_welshman_walk_into_a/
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Why did the old woman fall into the well

Because she couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wu5yc/why_did_the_old_woman_fall_into_the_well/
%
Dad Knowing the Laws...

Dad:  Have you heard of Murphy's Law?
Son:  Yes, if something can go wrong, it will go wrong.
Dad:  Yes!  Have you heard of Cole's Law?
Son:  Actually, no.  What's that?
Dad:  Thinly sliced cabbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wu1wq/dad_knowing_the_laws/
%
Went on a date with a race official the other night...

She seemed nice but there were too many red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wu0dd/went_on_a_date_with_a_race_official_the_other/
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Don't Do That In Public

A boy and his mother stood looking at a dentist's showcase. "If I had to have false teeth, I'd take that pair," said the small boy, pointing.
"Hush, Willie," interposed the mother quickly, shaking his arm. "Haven't I told you it's bad manners to pick your teeth in public?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wtzyg/dont_do_that_in_public/
%
Finally realized why the end of my rifle always tastes so salty

Because whenever I put it in my mouth I’m always crying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wtyef/finally_realized_why_the_end_of_my_rifle_always/
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What do you call a watering can with a hole at the bottom?

A watering cannot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wtwwy/what_do_you_call_a_watering_can_with_a_hole_at/
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A Jewish girl asked me for her number

I told her we use names here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wtv6q/a_jewish_girl_asked_me_for_her_number/
%
A seventh grader asked his English teacher a question in class

"Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H .......in Hour, Honour. .....etc. She replied, "We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent."
During lunch break that day, the teacher gave the student her packed lunch and asked him to heat it in the Cafeteria. He ate all the food and returned her the empty container.
Shocked, she asked: "What happened? The boy replied: "Madam, I thought 'H' was silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wttq6/a_seventh_grader_asked_his_english_teacher_a/
%
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner?

He was given the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wtq3v/did_you_hear_about_the_cannibal_who_was_late_for/
%
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wtkv6/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
Cigarettes are like hamsters

Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wtgc5/cigarettes_are_like_hamsters/
%
Studies show that the person most likely to kill you is yourself

Not if I kill him first!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wtg5n/studies_show_that_the_person_most_likely_to_kill/
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Every family wedding I attended...

...aunties and grandmas always came to me grabbing me by my cheeks saying "oh dearie you will be next!"
They stopped when I started to do them the same at family funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wte0z/every_family_wedding_i_attended/
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Time flies like an arrow,

and fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wtcks/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
A plane is travelling to Queensland...

A plane is on its way to Queensland , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class seats.
The Flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Queensland and I'm staying right here."
The Flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The Co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Queensland and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The Flight attendant and Co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First Class isn't going to Queensland."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wt87w/a_plane_is_travelling_to_queensland/
%
I'm not saying me and my partner are freaky in bed......

....But our memory foam mattress has PTSD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wt87f/im_not_saying_me_and_my_partner_are_freaky_in_bed/
%
I was turned away when I tried to order a pie from Yoda's bakery.

"Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wt6ni/i_was_turned_away_when_i_tried_to_order_a_pie/
%
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14. You are on 13".
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wt6h1/a_guy_was_playing_golf_one_day_and_he_got_lost/
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Knock knock!

Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery. A book fell on me yeshterday, I only had my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wt5p0/knock_knock/
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An Ethical Dilemma

You are playing in the club championship knockout final and the match was all square at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple 7 iron to the pin.
Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!"
The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.
Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating bastard’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wt4m9/an_ethical_dilemma/
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I totally understand why two year olds are always crying

I would cry too if I looked twice as old as I did last year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wt3b6/i_totally_understand_why_two_year_olds_are_always/
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What is the definition of macho?

Jogging home after a vasectomy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wt37l/what_is_the_definition_of_macho/
%
I get hit by the same bike every morning on my way to work.

It's a vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wt23j/i_get_hit_by_the_same_bike_every_morning_on_my/
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What's the pinnacle of confusion?

Two blind gay men, in a bathtub full of hotdogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wt0fq/whats_the_pinnacle_of_confusion/
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My friend's a police detective and has been diagnosed with severe schizophrenia. He first realized there was a problem...

...when he started to question himself...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wt07c/my_friends_a_police_detective_and_has_been/
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A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wsz57/a_single_sperm_has_375_mb_of_dna_information_in/
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If the number 666 is considered evil…

Is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wsy3f/if_the_number_666_is_considered_evil/
%
My parents always expected perfect grades.

I wish they had just let me B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wst4m/my_parents_always_expected_perfect_grades/
%
It's difficult to say what my wife does.

She sells seashells on the seashore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wst32/its_difficult_to_say_what_my_wife_does/
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Nikola Tesla was in trouble - he had not done his electrical studies assignment and his teacher was not happy...

His teacher asks, "well, where is it?".
Searching for a legitimate excuse, Tesla says, "I did it - but the dog ate my ohmwork".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wsqhv/nikola_tesla_was_in_trouble_he_had_not_done_his/
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Why is 'Dark' spelled with a K and not a C?

Because you can't C in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wsou0/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
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The Pope walks into a synagogue

The rabbi says, "Why the wrong faith?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wsngn/the_pope_walks_into_a_synagogue/
%
I was weirdly calm when the doctor refused to prescribe me Viagra.

No hard feelings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wsn6q/i_was_weirdly_calm_when_the_doctor_refused_to/
%
An explosion happened at a clothes store.

There were many casual tees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wsiu1/an_explosion_happened_at_a_clothes_store/
%
The children began to identify the flavours of the sweets by their colour.

Red.......... Raspberry
Yellow.......... Lemon
Green.......... Lime
Orange.......... Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all honey flavoured sweets, but none of the children could identify the flavour.
The teacher said, "I'll give you a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father".
One little girl looked up in horror, spat her sweet out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're arse holes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wshdn/the_children_began_to_identify_the_flavours_of/
%
So a paedophile walks into a bar

And the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve kids"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wsga4/so_a_paedophile_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call an apple tablet with the highest specs available in the market?

A MaxiPad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wsf9w/what_do_you_call_an_apple_tablet_with_the_highest/
%
What do you call a fat medium?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wser2/what_do_you_call_a_fat_medium/
%
Necrophiles are just people ...

Looking for some body to love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wscdk/necrophiles_are_just_people/
%
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wsb5x/my_girlfriend_said_you_act_like_a_detective_too/
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I tried to help an old lady cross the street.

Apparently, cars don't do a good job pushing people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ws7wc/i_tried_to_help_an_old_lady_cross_the_street/
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Football Fever

My mate has two tickets for the England vs Sweden game on Saturday. He didn't realise that it's going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Andrew's Church in Cambridge and her name is Sarah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ws57o/football_fever/
%
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,

“You know, one would have been enough.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ws3sb/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/
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A wine wholesaler was hiring a taster...

...someone to taste the wine before placing the orders. So they placed adverts and one afternoon, a dirty, rough looking man walks into the manager's office asking to be employed. The manager tried to figure out how he could drive the man away but couldn't come up with any idea, so he decided to give the man a trial.
He ordered his secretary to give the man a glass of wine, he takes a sip and said "Its red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in a steel containers."
"That's correct!" The manager exclaimed, "well,give him another one lets see".
So he was given another glass, he takes a sip again and said "Its red wine, cabernet, eight years old, southwestern slope, oak barrels"
"Incredible!" said the manager. Then the manager went closer to the secretary & whispered to her saying "Go get some of your urine in a cup lets see if he will get that."
So the man was given the cup of urine, he takes a sip, turns to the manager and says, "Female urine, 26 years old, 8 weeks pregnant and if i'm not given this job, sir, i will tell your wife who is responsible for the pregnancy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ws29m/a_wine_wholesaler_was_hiring_a_taster/
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How often is a chemistry joke posted on reddit?

Periodically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ws1i0/how_often_is_a_chemistry_joke_posted_on_reddit/
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A woman gets cheated by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.
After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. *"I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed by that".*
The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wrvlk/a_woman_gets_cheated_by_her_husband/
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At the regular Sunday morning service

Rev Roberto announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular. Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims, "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Daniel, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If Rev Roberto will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause....
Mary age 28, stands and announces with a smile, "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide sex!"
There is total silence....
Rev Roberto blushing and asks her:
"Mary, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Mary's 35-year old husband Mike, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,
*"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help"* and he said
*"Fuck him!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wrqf1/at_the_regular_sunday_morning_service/
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My friends and I accidentally posted a video of ourselves performing with instruments in the acapella subreddit

We were band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wrmg4/my_friends_and_i_accidentally_posted_a_video_of/
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What kind of meat does a priest eat on a Friday?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wrju2/what_kind_of_meat_does_a_priest_eat_on_a_friday/
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There is a boy that went to school after 3 weeks of absence...

The teacher asks him:
-Why didn't you come to school in your first week of absence?
Boy:A brick fell on my grandma and we had to burry her.
Teacher:But second week?
Boy:A brick fell on my grandpa and we had to burry him.
Teacher:And the last week?
Boy:A brick fell on my dad and we had to burry him.
Teacher:But what were you doing all this time??
Boy:I was on the roof of my house playing with bricks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wrhxw/there_is_a_boy_that_went_to_school_after_3_weeks/
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It may not be politically correct, but I wouldn't ever date someone who was born with deformed feet.

You could say I'm lack-toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wreb9/it_may_not_be_politically_correct_but_i_wouldnt/
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What's black and hangs from a tree?

A tire swing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wrd5m/whats_black_and_hangs_from_a_tree/
%
Got myself one of those anti-bullying wristbands today

Nicked it off a fat ginger kid with glasses on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wrbv9/got_myself_one_of_those_antibullying_wristbands/
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A Russian Joke.

Stalin is giving a speech when he hears someone sneeze. He stops mid-sentence and asks the first row, "who sneezed?"
Nobody answers.
Stalin executes the first row. Now, everyone is getting nervous.
Stalin addresses the second row. "Who sneezed?" he asks, becoming visibly upset.
Still, nobody answers. Everyone is much too scared to reply.
Stalin executes the second row.
"Who sneezed!?" Stalin booms at the third row.  He is angry now.
Finally, after many moments of silence, a young and timid Russian soldier raises his hand. Stalin turns to the soldier and says,
"Bless you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wr9jg/a_russian_joke/
%
Me and my blind wife always argue.

She never sees the end of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wr7b8/me_and_my_blind_wife_always_argue/
%
I asked my wife to tell me something that would make me feel both happy and sad…

She told me that I had the biggest penis out of all my friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wr61n/i_asked_my_wife_to_tell_me_something_that_would/
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What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

Vote!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wr4l3/what_do_japanese_men_do_when_they_have_erections/
%
What do you call a professional angler?

An afishonado

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wr1ub/what_do_you_call_a_professional_angler/
%
I'm planning to open a tattoo parlor

Where all women will get free tattoos in exchange for showing me their boobs. I'm gonna call it 'Tit for Tat'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wr1j4/im_planning_to_open_a_tattoo_parlor/
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What do you call a Jewish person with autism?

Auschwistic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wr0io/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_person_with_autism/
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I feel sorry for Neymar's ancestors after today's loss

They must be rolling in their graves.
Not mine but felt it had to be shared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wqyr4/i_feel_sorry_for_neymars_ancestors_after_todays/
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How do police know that Paul Walker didn’t have dandruff?

They found his head and shoulders on the dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wqx44/how_do_police_know_that_paul_walker_didnt_have/
%
Pro tip if you get in a fight with a group of clowns.

Go for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wqmh1/pro_tip_if_you_get_in_a_fight_with_a_group_of/
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I have a medium penis.

The ghosts cant stop talking to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wqkr4/i_have_a_medium_penis/
%
Three good friends, Jake, John, and Jack, are accepted into Heaven

. However, before they enter, Saint Peter warns them that there are miniature ducks all over Heaven, and that they are to never, ever, step on them. With that, he leads them into the magnificent realm of Heaven.
After some time, the three friends decide to have a picnic. They find a nice spot by a fountain, but, before they can settle down, Jake accidentally steps on one of the miniature ducks, which was waddling out of the fountain. Saint Peter immediately appeared, and said to Jake that, as punishment, he would be married to the most ugly, mean single woman in all of Heaven. Then, both Saint Peter and Jake vanished with a flash.
John and Jack continued the picnic in silence, both of them feeling extremely scared, and triple-checking the ground for ducks before taking a step. However, despite their caution, John still stepped on a duck, who was sneaking up behind him. Saint Peter appeared again, and took John away to marry the most ugly, mean single woman in all of Heaven (not the same woman as Jake had married to, since that woman was no longer single).
After a few centuries of duck-avoiding and caution, Jack decided to take a walk by the same fountain which he, Jake, and John had once taken a picnic beside. However, just before he stepped onto the path to begin his walk, Saint Peter appeared. Jack pleaded to Saint Peter, saying that he had never stepped on a duck, and shouldn't be married to the most ugly, mean single woman in all of Heaven. However, Saint Peter said he would do no such thing, but was going to reward Jack for not stepping on a duck by marrying him to the most beautiful, nice single woman in all of Heaven. Saint Peter snapped his fingers, and they were immediately married.
After a few decades of living happily together, Jack asked his wife how he could ever deserve her, and why Saint Peter had married him to her. His wife answered, "I don't know either - the last thing I remember before being married to you was stepping on a miniature duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wqjti/three_good_friends_jake_john_and_jack_are/
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The blind man

A blind man decided to visit his family in Texas one day; he had never been before.  On the flight over he sits in his seat and exclaims to the flight attendant, ‘my, these seats are quite large and comfy’, to which the flight attendant replies, ‘why yes, everything’s bigger in Texas! Then, when they land they, he stops in a hotel bar for a beer.  Once he got his beer, he exclaimed to the bartender ‘this beer portion is so large!’, to which the bartender replies, ‘Why yes, everything’s bigger in Texas’. After having a couple of extra large Texas beers the blind man asks where the restrooms are, but he makes a wrong turn and falls into the hotel’s pool. After he falls in he begins to yell ‘Don’t flush! Don’t flush!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wqiva/the_blind_man/
%
How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?

About a brazilian...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wqh28/how_many_hearts_can_the_belgium_football_team/
%
What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla Model S?

The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wqfm6/whats_the_difference_between_chris_brown_and_a/
%
Bankers are so antisocial.

They're a bunch of loaners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wqehu/bankers_are_so_antisocial/
%
Not everything on the Titanic was a failure

The pool is still full to this day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wqe0v/not_everything_on_the_titanic_was_a_failure/
%
I recently read a book about Stockholm Syndrome

It was terrible at first, but I liked it by the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wqcv4/i_recently_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome/
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What do you call a Bee that came from the US?

A USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wq9jh/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_came_from_the_us/
%
I used to think all black people had boomboxes

then I realized that was just a stereo type

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wq44n/i_used_to_think_all_black_people_had_boomboxes/
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My 7yr old heard this...

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, lightbulbs are hardware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wq3nl/my_7yr_old_heard_this/
%
If you have a crush on Neymar, just ask him out.

He'll fall for you easily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wq2j8/if_you_have_a_crush_on_neymar_just_ask_him_out/
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Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wq12m/everyone_tells_you_that_smoking_will_kill_you/
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Whenever people tell me to stop acting like a flamingo...

I put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wptuh/whenever_people_tell_me_to_stop_acting_like_a/
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A little girl asked her father, “Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’?”

He replied, “No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with ‘If elected, I promise . . .’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wprin/a_little_girl_asked_her_father_daddy_do_all_fairy/
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2 Guys Were Sitting On The Train

When one guy pulls out his phone and shows a picture of his girlfriend and says to the other guy “hey man check out my gf, isn’t she beautiful?”
The second man, somewhat confused at why this guy is showing him a photo of his girlfriend replies “Wow if you think she’s beautiful you should see my girlfriend!”
The first guy, slightly irritated responds “why is she a stunner?”
“No” he reply’s “she’s an optometrist!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wpq01/2_guys_were_sitting_on_the_train/
%
So I suggested to my wife that she’d look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wppk1/so_i_suggested_to_my_wife_that_shed_look_sexier/
%
Make sure to check your Tauntaun for a fever in this heat wave.

They should always be Luke warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wporv/make_sure_to_check_your_tauntaun_for_a_fever_in/
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The optimist says, "The glass is half full." The pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

The rationalist says, "This glass is twice as big as it needs to be."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wpn33/the_optimist_says_the_glass_is_half_full_the/
%
Why should you never keep pharmaceuticals under the roof?

To avoid it becoming a drug attic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wplnm/why_should_you_never_keep_pharmaceuticals_under/
%
LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, quietly kick them under the refrigerator.

It’ll soon be water under the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wpici/lpt_if_you_accidentally_drop_ice_cubes_on_the/
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What did Matthew McConaughey say to me when he found out I made a joke that didn't make the front page?

"It'd be a lot cooler if you did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wpb08/what_did_matthew_mcconaughey_say_to_me_when_he/
%
Why did the short carnivore hate poker?

Because the steaks were too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wp89n/why_did_the_short_carnivore_hate_poker/
%
Did you guys hear about the concert tickets that cost 45 cents?

50 cent with Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wp7p8/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_concert_tickets_that/
%
How does every racist joke start?

With a quick glance around the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wp6ge/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
%
I’ve always hoped for the opportunity to save my ex from a fiery car crash.

I don’t know if I would take that opportunity, but I would certainly like the chance to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wovnq/ive_always_hoped_for_the_opportunity_to_save_my/
%
Who was the greatest prostitute in history?

Ms. Pacman. For 25 cents, she swallowed balls until she died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8worht/who_was_the_greatest_prostitute_in_history/
%
What’s Thanos’s favorite video game?

Half life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wopvn/whats_thanoss_favorite_video_game/
%
What do you call a man taking a nap?

Himalayan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wopa5/what_do_you_call_a_man_taking_a_nap/
%
I told my mate, that in order to have sex, I'd said to my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer.

"July?" he asked.
"Of course I fucking did," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wolcb/i_told_my_mate_that_in_order_to_have_sex_id_said/
%
The waitress said “are you ready to order?”

“My wife is in the ladies “ I said
“Do you know what she’s having?”
“Well she’s been gone 10 minutes so probably a shit”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wog5y/the_waitress_said_are_you_ready_to_order/
%
I asked my Dad for his best Dad joke

and he told me he was proud of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8woes3/i_asked_my_dad_for_his_best_dad_joke/
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Whats the difference between a greyhound station and a big titted lobster...

Ones a crusty bus station. The other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wod2a/whats_the_difference_between_a_greyhound_station/
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How do you begin a politically incorrect joke?

President Ben Franklin walks into a bar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8woaop/how_do_you_begin_a_politically_incorrect_joke/
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Teeth are like college.

After experimenting with drugs, a few might drop out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wo7sy/teeth_are_like_college/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees a piece of meat hanging from the ceiling...

The guy asks, “what’s this about?” The bartender replies, “well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone’s drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?” The man replies “nah the steaks are too high...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wo6cw/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_piece_of_meat/
%
John took the day off work to play golf

When he got to the golf course, the attendant said they were pretty busy and wanted to pair him up with Steve to play together.  The two guys headed out and after a few holes were getting frustrated by two women ahead of them playing really slow.  Eventually, John said it was getting ridiculous and was going to go up and ask them if they could play through.  John got about halfway there and turned around and walked back.  He told Steve that he would never believe it, but one of the women was John’s wife and the other was his mistress.  Steve laughed and said he would talk to them.  Steve then walked about halfway there and turned around.  He came back and said “small world, ain’t it?”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wo5py/john_took_the_day_off_work_to_play_golf/
%
If earth was a sandwich

The entire population would be in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wo5aa/if_earth_was_a_sandwich/
%
How do you circumcise a whale?

With four skin divers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wo33t/how_do_you_circumcise_a_whale/
%
How does a fence builder tell jokes?

He reposts it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wo26a/how_does_a_fence_builder_tell_jokes/
%
What's the difference between me and cancer

My dad didn't beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wo19m/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
Disney and I have something special in common.

We both love happy endings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wnqzt/disney_and_i_have_something_special_in_common/
%
Guys, I just figured out how to walk thorough walls!

Doors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wnpfb/guys_i_just_figured_out_how_to_walk_thorough_walls/
%
I heard that Fortnite put a limit of three outfits for players in Isreal.

Jews aren't allowed to have four skins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wnp1z/i_heard_that_fortnite_put_a_limit_of_three/
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What’s the hardest trick in skateboarding?

Getting a job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wnl9p/whats_the_hardest_trick_in_skateboarding/
%
Neymar, the Brazilian football player, had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.

"Right," said the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?"
"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f*****g floor," replied the baby....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wnk88/neymar_the_brazilian_football_player_had_his/
%
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

Their last greatest hit was **The Wall**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wnin6/what_do_pink_floyd_and_dale_earnhardt_have_in/
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Now that Brazil is out of the World Cup they should go help the Thai kids stuck in that cave...

After all they're the world's most talented divers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wnfrl/now_that_brazil_is_out_of_the_world_cup_they/
%
A little boy and his papa were going on a boat ride

On the car ride to the lake the papa put in a dip. The little boy asked, "Papa, can I have a little dip too?" The papa asked the boy a question in return. "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy responded no and the papa replied back, "Well then you're not old enough, and besides, this is my dip."
As they were putting the boat in the water, the papa lit up a cigarette. The little boy asked, "Papa, can I have a puff on your cigarette?" The papa asked the boy the question again. "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy responded no and the papa replied back, "Well then you're not old enough, and besides, these are my cigarettes."
Once on the boat, the papa cracked open a beer. The little boy asked, "Papa, can I have a sip of your beer?" Once again, the papa asked the boy, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy once again responded no and again the papa replied back, "Well then you're not old enough, and besides, this is my beer."
Then, as they finish lunch the little boy opens a bag of grandma's cookies. The papa loves grandma's cookies and asks the boy if he can have one. The little boy now asks his papa "Papa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The papa boastfully responds, "Yes! As a matter of fact it is." The little boy grins and shoots back at his papa "Well then go fuck yourself because these are my cookies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wnej4/a_little_boy_and_his_papa_were_going_on_a_boat/
%
If cats could text you back...

They wouldn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wnebo/if_cats_could_text_you_back/
%
Three men show up at the Pearly Gates...

Right before closing one day three men show up to the Pearly Gates for judgement.  The case manager angel on duty was quite put out with the prospect of staying late so rather than looking through the life history of each of the men he decided to admit them based on how cool their death story was.
The first man began:  I knew my wife was cheating on me.  So one day I decided to go home in the middle of the day to catch her in the act.  I burst through the door and I could tell she was nervous so I tore up the house looking for the dirt bag.  “Where is he?! Where is he?!” I yelled as I looked under the bed, in the closet, behind the shower curtain and in every nook and cranny of our 4th level apartment in a 5 story building.  I had just given up, and fuming, went to our balcony to cool off.  That’s when I saw the little rat.  Two little hands were holding on to dear life as the man hung from the edge of the balcony. I started stomping on his hands but he was more resilient than I had expected.  His right hand would let go, but just before his left hand gave way it would snap back up to maintain his hold.  This went on for several minutes until I got frustrated and ran into the house, grabbed a hammer from the tool box and wailed on his hands until they both released and I watched him fall.  To my dismay he didn’t die.  He landed in some bushes and I could tell that he was still breathing.  In a bout of rage I ran back into the house, rolled the refrigerator to the balcony and sent it flying down on top of him.  The exertion from the moving a refrigerator, the adrenalin from the hunt, and a life of poor diet decisions caused me to have a heart attack and die.
Then came the second man:  I was at home minding my own business when I heard a commotion coming from the apartment directly below mine.  It sounded like a guy was trashing his own place and yelling at his wife.  I’m a naturally curious person so I went out onto my balcony to listen in.  However, I accidentally slipped and fell over the railing!  I live, or rather lived, in a fifth floor apartment so I was lucky to catch the balcony of my neighbor one flight down rather than plummeting to my death.  Just when I was about to pull myself up the guy comes out and starts stomping on my hands!  One hand would fall off, but I would manage to get it back up by the time the other hand fell off.  After several minutes the guy leaves and it looks like I might just be lucky enough to make it out alive.  But then he returns with a hammer and bashes both my hands until I relent and fall to what I assumed would be certain death.  Again, luck shined on me.  I fell into a bush and survived.  However, just as I was gathering myself to hobble off for help a huge refrigerator comes flying down on top of me and that’s when I showed up here.
Then came the third man:  Picture this, I’m butt naked inside a refrigerator….

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wncw4/three_men_show_up_at_the_pearly_gates/
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Now Neymar can go home and work at Walmart...

Help them roll back their prices!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wncqr/now_neymar_can_go_home_and_work_at_walmart/
%
What fish is made of only 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wnckd/what_fish_is_made_of_only_2_sodium_atoms/
%
A man is going to a party with his girlfriend

and decides to buy some condoms. He tells the seller that he's hoping to get lucky at the party. Then he buys another and says to the seller, "Her mom's pretty hot too, might as well hope for the best."
Later, at the party, the man is very quiet. At the end, his girlfriend asks him, "Why haven't you been talking the whole night? It's almost like you didn't want to be here." The man replies, "I wouldn't have come at all if you had told me your dad worked at a drug store."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wnck4/a_man_is_going_to_a_party_with_his_girlfriend/
%
Your penis is so small..

That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wn99j/your_penis_is_so_small/
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Why do wasps never leave tips?

Because they're stingy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wn71k/why_do_wasps_never_leave_tips/
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Scientists need to stop surveying the deepest parts of the ocean with their high-tech equipment

They should send Neymar Jr. instead because he is the greatest diver in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wmz68/scientists_need_to_stop_surveying_the_deepest/
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I'm planning to put on a theatrical performance about puns.

I like producing word plays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wmkfr/im_planning_to_put_on_a_theatrical_performance/
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What do runners eat before a race?

Fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wmj4p/what_do_runners_eat_before_a_race/
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What did the Terminator say when he decided to become a musician?

"I'll be Bach".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wmixq/what_did_the_terminator_say_when_he_decided_to/
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What came before the Big Bang?

"Allahu Akbar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wmgg4/what_came_before_the_big_bang/
%
I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border.

I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wmgd4/i_used_to_be_a_cashier_at_a_gas_station_on_the/
%
What did the old man with Alzheimer say?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wmfv9/what_did_the_old_man_with_alzheimer_say/
%
Did you know that dogs actually love chocolate?

After they eat it, they’re in heaven!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wmddq/did_you_know_that_dogs_actually_love_chocolate/
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I went to the Muslim book store this morning and asked for Trump’s new book on immigration reform.

The shop owner said ‘Get the hell out and never come back!’
I said ‘Yeah, that’s the one! You have it in paperback?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wmbyg/i_went_to_the_muslim_book_store_this_morning_and/
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I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex

He is a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wmbgo/i_buy_my_guns_from_a_guy_named_trex/
%
I asked my friend if she wanted to do yoga in the park?

"In this heat?" She said, "Namaste at home"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wmaef/i_asked_my_friend_if_she_wanted_to_do_yoga_in_the/
%
Knowledge of the greek mythology was always....

...my achilles elbow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wm9ie/knowledge_of_the_greek_mythology_was_always/
%
Why did the tomato blush

Because it saw the salad dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wm8lk/why_did_the_tomato_blush/
%
Dicks are like paychecks

You don't know how yours compares to others but you always hope yours is a little bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wm36d/dicks_are_like_paychecks/
%
A man was applying to be a sheriff's deputy in Alabama.

The sheriff said I have one test, "I give you a gun and you have to shoot 4 blacks and a rabbit".
The man looked a bit confused and asked "why a rabbit?"
The sheriff replied "you're hired".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wm2ud/a_man_was_applying_to_be_a_sheriffs_deputy_in/
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I don't care what you say about WWII

Whoever killed Hitler, is my Hero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wm23l/i_dont_care_what_you_say_about_wwii/
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A man broke up with his girlfriend and decided to go to Jamaica to cheer up.

He went to an all inclusive resort. He ate and drank like a king; the only problem was the beach outside the resort was a NUDE beach.
He was feeling self conscious because he had a tattoo of his girlfriend's name on his penis.
Erect it said "Wendy", but when flaccid, some letters got lost in the folds and it read "Wy".
On the 3rd day at the resort he build the bullet and went to the nude beach.
To his surprise, he saw a local with "Wy" on his flaccid cock! He went over and said "Oh wow, you have a girlfriend named Wendy too??"
The Jamaican said "No, I work here, mine says "Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wm0mp/a_man_broke_up_with_his_girlfriend_and_decided_to/
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What’s the difference between Neymar and a Dolphin?

When a dolphin dives he’s fishing for a carp for food on a reef ...
When Neymar dives he’s fishing for a card from a fool of a ref

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wlz0c/whats_the_difference_between_neymar_and_a_dolphin/
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How do Lions like their meat prepared?

Apparently poached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wly1b/how_do_lions_like_their_meat_prepared/
%
What kind of hairpiece does Harry Potter wear?

A hedwig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wls3t/what_kind_of_hairpiece_does_harry_potter_wear/
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My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

Oh wait, she's back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wlrqt/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
Please don’t make jokes about unemployed people.

They just don’t work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wllvt/please_dont_make_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
I asked my Dad for his best Dad joke and he...

He just said "You".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wlgmh/i_asked_my_dad_for_his_best_dad_joke_and_he/
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Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)
So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:
"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving on the mountain road our brakes failed. I turned the steering wheel to left and right many times to slow down the bus. We finally stopped at the edge of the cliff with handbrake. I looked around and all passengers were praying "God saved us". I told them, "I saved you, this is not about God." We started arguing...
So I took the brake off, said "May God save you" and jumped off the bus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wleev/atheist_bus_driver/
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What's a fencing Redditor's favourite move?

The riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wl9uf/whats_a_fencing_redditors_favourite_move/
%
Did you see the new method invented to dry berries?

I thought I'd keep everyone updated on currant events.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wl8kk/did_you_see_the_new_method_invented_to_dry_berries/
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Non alcoholic beer is kinda like eating out your sister

It tastes the same, but it feels wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wl8g2/non_alcoholic_beer_is_kinda_like_eating_out_your/
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What do Usa, North Korea, and your boobs have in common?

They all deserve to be in better hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wl75m/what_do_usa_north_korea_and_your_boobs_have_in/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender lines them up and the man knocks them back one after the other. Then the man orders 4 more, again the bartender lines them up and the man knocks them back. The bartender says, "Gee, buddy I've never seen anybody drink like that."

The man replies, "Youd drink like that too if you had what I have." "Oh my god" buddy! What do you have?" The man winks and says... "fifty cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wl5x0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_4_shots_of/
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A man walks into a bar. He orders 4 shots of whiskey from the bar. He drinks them. The bartender pours another 4, which he drinks. The bartender- "You seem to be in a really good mood!" The customer- "I'm pretty excited abut my first blowjob!" The bartender says "Congrats, have another shot on me!"

The customer replies "No thanks, if 8 shots of whiskey won't get rid of the taste, I don't think 9 will either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wl3s5/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_he_orders_4_shots_of/
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3 Europeans arrive in 18th century North America

They all get captured by native americans who want to kill them, but the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed not to kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit at which point they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy goes into the forest and comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him.
They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wl20p/3_europeans_arrive_in_18th_century_north_america/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wl006/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wkyzb/two_flat_earthers_die_and_go_to_heaven_at_the/
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How do U2’s lawyers work?

Pro Bono.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wkxwx/how_do_u2s_lawyers_work/
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What’s the difference between Chris Brown and a radio station?

Radio stations only have 90 minutes of nonstop hits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wkx96/whats_the_difference_between_chris_brown_and_a/
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Three not so wisemen.

A Frenchman a German and an Englishman are all sitting at a bar when a beautiful women walks in and sits on a barstool, with her cat next to her
The three men make a pact that they will all approach her and see who does best.
"I will compliment her pussy and that is how I will get in." Says the Frenchman.
"Nein" says the German "you must be direct.  That is how I will get in.
The Englishman responds "I'm just going to tell her a joke and see how it goes"
So the Frenchman approaches the woman and says "you have a very hairy pussy".   The woman immediately punches him.
As he walks back nursing his new bruise the German approaches.
"I vould like to have intercourse with you" he says.  The woman hesitates a second, then punches him in the face.  At this point the Englishman gets an idea.
He approaches the woman and says "is this where I stand in line to get punched?"
She looks at him and responds "there is no punch line"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wkwj9/three_not_so_wisemen/
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Why do farmers make the best rappers?

Because they always have the freshest beets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wkqld/why_do_farmers_make_the_best_rappers/
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Arrested 2 kids

The police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wkq64/arrested_2_kids/
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Do you know how Chris Brown’s girlfriend found out that he had been cheating on her?

She found another girl’s lipstick on his fist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wkgdx/do_you_know_how_chris_browns_girlfriend_found_out/
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Girls night out

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there.
10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.
10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator!
10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wkeer/girls_night_out/
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One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,

So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was going to be a pastor.
The child came in and picked up the bible, his Mother smiled.
Then he picked up the whiskey bottle and took a swig of it then proceeded to pocket the $100 bill and left.
“Well I’ll be damned” the father said
“He’s going to become a politician.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wkeeg/one_day_these_parents_wanted_to_find_out_what/
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A man comes home from work

and it’s clear he’s had a rough day. His wife says, “Honey, you look terrible, what’s wrong?” The man says, “Well, let’s just say that I have a big problem.” The wife says, “No, WE have a problem.” “What do you mean?” says the husband. The wife replies, “You and I are a team, we’re in this together. So, if YOU have a problem, WE have a problem. Now tell me what’s bothering you.” The man pauses for a moment and replies, “Well, OK then, here goes...OUR secretary is pregnant and WE’RE responsible.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wkcu8/a_man_comes_home_from_work/
%
This morning I woke my girl with oral sex

.
Ohh, what did she say?
"ftop it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wk9ys/this_morning_i_woke_my_girl_with_oral_sex/
%
What do you call a cow with Parkinson's?

A milkshake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wk32s/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_parkinsons/
%
A Nigerian prince secretly orders a 2nd wife over the internet from Thailand.

The wedding was a black-tie affair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wk0st/a_nigerian_prince_secretly_orders_a_2nd_wife_over/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wjzs6/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
%
Soon enough, Apple will make the brilliant move of following a big trend in the gaming industry...

..."remastering" the ORIGINAL iPhone rather than releasing a new model.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wjxa4/soon_enough_apple_will_make_the_brilliant_move_of/
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I went to jail for 5 minutes and got beaten 3 times and raped once

I’m never playing monopoly with my dad again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wjw9x/i_went_to_jail_for_5_minutes_and_got_beaten_3/
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Hey girl, are you a subreddit?

Because you are mildlyinteresting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wjuyn/hey_girl_are_you_a_subreddit/
%
A bear and a Bunny walk through the woods

As they walk along they meet a golden frog and it says ”I am a magical golden frog and i shall give you three wishes each!” The bear was eager and Said ”I want a bear girl!” And the frog conjured one up out of thin air. Next it was the bunnys turn and he Said ”I want a realy fast motorbike” and the frog conjured one up.
Then the bear Said ”for my second Wish I want ten bear girls!” And the frog conjured ten bear girls. The Bunny then wished for a sturdy helmet to go along with the motorbike wich the frog then conjured for him.
The frog then Said to the bear ”What is your final wish?” And the bear Said ”I want every bear in the world to be a girl exept for me!” The frog made it so and then turned to the rabbit who was already mounting his motorbike and putting on the helmet. And as he starten the engine and drove off he shouted ”I wish the bear was gay!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wjunv/a_bear_and_a_bunny_walk_through_the_woods/
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I was walking down the street, when I glanced up and saw this arab guy on the balcony furiously shaking a rug..

So I yelled out to him, "what's the matter, Omar? Won't it start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wjpo8/i_was_walking_down_the_street_when_i_glanced_up/
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What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?

A cock that stays up all night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wjn28/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_rooster_and_an/
%
Speaking from experience, don’t argue with close friends about Bethesda Games.

It’s a terrible reason to fallout for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wjm5r/speaking_from_experience_dont_argue_with_close/
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Who's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?

Comet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wjkul/whos_a_dinosaurs_least_favorite_reindeer/
%
Reading between the lines is dangerous

A train could run you over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wji3l/reading_between_the_lines_is_dangerous/
%
'Time is certainly a very complex topic in physics, and there are people who believe that time does not actually exist. One common argument they use is that Einstein proved that everything is relative, so time is irrelevant'.

I said boldly to my boss! But he still fired me for being 3 hours late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wjhzx/time_is_certainly_a_very_complex_topic_in_physics/
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Somebody once told me that I could break a mirror just by looking at it.

They insisted it was hilarious. I didn’t find it funny.
The mirror cracked up though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wjhdg/somebody_once_told_me_that_i_could_break_a_mirror/
%
A clown held open a door for me.

It was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wjhd8/a_clown_held_open_a_door_for_me/
%
A lot of people are injecting this new drug called "Jesus", but I've started taking it orally...

...because I'd never take the Lord's name in vein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wjg7t/a_lot_of_people_are_injecting_this_new_drug/
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2nd amendment

A young blonde discovers her boyfriend is cheating...
She buys a handgun.
The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The boyfriend jumps off the bed and starts pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically, the blonde responds to the boyfriend: "Shut up, you're next."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wjah3/2nd_amendment/
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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wja18/a_monkey_is_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint/
%
Why shouldn't you get in a fight with an Italian baker? 🇮🇹

Because he'll beat the focaccia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wj854/why_shouldnt_you_get_in_a_fight_with_an_italian/
%
My friends ask why I never come to their game nights.

I would, but there’s too much Risk involved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wj3vr/my_friends_ask_why_i_never_come_to_their_game/
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What’s Madonna’s favorite sauce?

Hollandaise. Celebrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wj3vf/whats_madonnas_favorite_sauce/
%
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wj2rj/i_was_crossing_the_street_when_i_suddenly_noticed/
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What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?

A circus is a cunning array of stunts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wj1yj/whats_the_difference_between_a_sorority_and_a/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women.

From a third-world country and at an affordable price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8witvv/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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A communist joke isn't funny

Unless everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8witfi/a_communist_joke_isnt_funny/
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My brother took going to jail really badly.

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wisan/my_brother_took_going_to_jail_really_badly/
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A blonde went to a ventriloquist show....

And the ventriloquist kept making blonde jokes. As the evening progressed the blonde got madder and madder until she couldn’t take it any more.
She stood up and yelled at the ventriloquist.
“Listen, I am sick and tired of the blonde jokes. I am an attorney in a successful law firm. I have had arguments in the top courts and am a well regarded member of the society.”
The ventriloquist felt bad and began to apologize but before he could the blonde interrupted him.
Saying, “Hey! You stay out of this. This is between me and the guy on your knee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wiq53/a_blonde_went_to_a_ventriloquist_show/
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Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from jail?

Police are looking for a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wiq40/did_you_hear_about_the_psychic_midget_that/
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You know when I was growing up I thought modern medicine would have cured everything.

I still can’t believe it’s nearly 1993 and they haven’t found a cure for alzheimer’s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wiot9/you_know_when_i_was_growing_up_i_thought_modern/
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Why are chemists bad at telling Jokes?

Because they lack the element of surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wimyu/why_are_chemists_bad_at_telling_jokes/
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Reality Check

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
“Do you know her?” the wife asks.
“Yes,” the husband says. “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My goodness!” the wife says. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wil4f/reality_check/
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A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wieev/a_tough_looking_group_of_hairy_bikers_are_riding/
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Two Irishmen sitting in a car

Mac : Stick your head out the window and tell me if the indicator is working"
Torrance : sure thing
[Pause]
Torrance : Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wiees/two_irishmen_sitting_in_a_car/
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A teacher asks her 1st grade class to make a sentence with the word "definitely" in it...

Little Suzy stands up and says "the sky is definitely blue!"
"No," the teacher replies. "It depends on the weather, the sky can be gray and at night its black."
Another student stands up and says "trees are definitely green!"
The teacher replies "no, during autumn the leaves change color."
The class goes quiet and then little Billy stands up and asks "Teacher, do farts have lumps?"
The teacher confused says "no, why?"
Billy then says, "well then i definitely just shit my pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wicej/a_teacher_asks_her_1st_grade_class_to_make_a/
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How many project managers does it take to change a light bulb?

Trick question. They can't actually do it. But they can record what percentage is complete.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wiaq3/how_many_project_managers_does_it_take_to_change/
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A man from Miami Beach travels to the Middle East and finds camels so fascinating that he decides to buy one and bring it back home with him.

For the next month, he rides the camel all over the city.  The next day when goes to get the camel, he finds that it is has been stolen.
He goes to the police department to report it stolen.  The desk sergeant asks him to describe the camel.
He says incredulously, "What do you mean, describe the camel? It looks like a camel!"
The sergeant then asks if the camel is male or female.
The man replies, "How should I know? Do I look like a camel expert?"
He pauses a moment, then says, "Wait, I'm sure that it's a male."
The sergeant wonders, "How can you suddenly be so sure?"
The man declares, "Well, everywhere I rode him, I heard people say, 'Hey look at the dick on that camel'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wi97v/a_man_from_miami_beach_travels_to_the_middle_east/
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What do you call it when you put your grandma on speed dial?

Instagram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wi96l/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_put_your_grandma_on/
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I was checking for lumps and found a perfectly formed pair of testicles.

God knows what they were doing in my mash potatoes though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wi7cl/i_was_checking_for_lumps_and_found_a_perfectly/
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A wolf, a lion and a little pig are having a discussion

The wolf proudly says : I am the scariest animal of the woods. When I howl, you can hear me from miles away and it will send a shiver down your spine.
The lion smirks and says : do you think THAT is scary, little wolf? I am the true king of the jungle ánd the most scary. When I roar, all the animals flee into the jungle.
The little pig shivers a bit and says :
I don’t want to say too much, but when I sneeze, every human around me gets himself vaccinated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wi6ko/a_wolf_a_lion_and_a_little_pig_are_having_a/
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How I learned to mind my own business???

One day I was walking near a mental institution. Everyone in the courtyard was yelling: “13 13 13 !!!”
The fence was to high to see anything, but I found a hole so I got close to peak through it.. A crazy guy poked me in the eye and everyone started yelling: “ 14 14 14!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wi14d/how_i_learned_to_mind_my_own_business/
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A Cartoonist is found dead in his home

The details of the murder were very sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wi04j/a_cartoonist_is_found_dead_in_his_home/
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A synagogue catches on fire one day...

And the rabbi is severely burnt.  He is rushed to the hospital where he is told he will need to have skin grafts on 90 percent of his body.  Because there is so little skin left, they must use artificial skin for the grafts.  A plastic surgeon is called in and he brings samples of his work.  He lays five different material on a table and has them numbered.  The surgeon asks which material the rabbi would like.
"The first material is tear resistant.  You will find that it is impossible to get scrapes or cuts.  The second material is based off of sap from a rubber tree, making you shock-proof.  The third..."
The rabbi interrupts him.  "I don't care which one you use, as long as you don't use the four skin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8whxnu/a_synagogue_catches_on_fire_one_day/
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Two men walk into a bar

The third ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8whwke/two_men_walk_into_a_bar/
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How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seven.  One to install the new bulb, and six to figure out where to store the old one for the next 10,000 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8whtnf/how_many_nuclear_engineers_does_it_take_to_change/
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When do you kick a midget in the balls?

When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying that her hair smells nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8whsap/when_do_you_kick_a_midget_in_the_balls/
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A woman walks into a bar

With a duck under her arm
She sits beside a man and he turns to her immediately saying
“OH MY GOD where did you get that pig?”
She said “That ain’t no pig!”
He said  “Hell I was talking to the duck”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8whrsn/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you name a dog with steel balls and no hind legs?

Sparky!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8whrks/what_do_you_name_a_dog_with_steel_balls_and_no/
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TIL about the man who invented "knock knock" jokes

He won the no-bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8whpj6/til_about_the_man_who_invented_knock_knock_jokes/
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Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8whox9/light_babies_are_delivered_by_stork_heavy_babies/
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How are women like tornados?

They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8whox7/how_are_women_like_tornados/
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Found this in my timeline...

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre. Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365. My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all. I've never felt safer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8who7u/found_this_in_my_timeline/
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I would make a joke about greece's debt but...

I dont think it'll pay off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8whnrf/i_would_make_a_joke_about_greeces_debt_but/
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Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8whk91/girl_asked_me_to_netflix_and_chill_but_i_download/
%
Why were Lincoln and Kennedy such good presidents?

They were open-minded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8whj1w/why_were_lincoln_and_kennedy_such_good_presidents/
%
a chemist, a physicist and a mathematician sleep at a hotel.

Suddenly a fire breaks out.
The chemist in his hotel room panics, look around him, sees the fire extinguisher, successfully extinguishes the fire and leaves the hotel.
The physicist in his room panics as well, looks around him, sees the window, looks outside, sees a swimming pool. he does some calculations, nods confidently and jumps out the window and lands in the swimmingpool. Saved!
The mathematician in his room panics as well, looks around him, sees the window, looks outside, sees the swimming pool, does some calculations, nods confidently, looks further, sees the fire extinguisher, nods again confidently, lays back in his bed and says "Problem solved".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8whdow/a_chemist_a_physicist_and_a_mathematician_sleep/
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I don't know what's more repugnant--the fact that I've been sleeping with members of my staff...

...or the fact that I'm self employed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8whb9c/i_dont_know_whats_more_repugnantthe_fact_that_ive/
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So my boyfriend's kettle has boiled dry all the water inside and he said "RIP water..."

"You will be mist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wh9bd/so_my_boyfriends_kettle_has_boiled_dry_all_the/
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Putin and Trump met to discuss security.

They started to argue about who has better personal security. Naturally, Putin said he does, and Trump said he does. They were meeting at a Grand Canyon, so they went outside to settle this up. Putin told Trump, look. He ordered his security detachment beside him to jump off the canyon. The security detachment looked at Putin, took a run, and jumped (by a miracle he was safe hanging on a branch few meters lower). Trump looked at his secret service and told him to jump. Secret service looked at Trump and said "I have a wife and children at home. I am not jumping." Shocked Trump walked over to the ambulance and looked at the Russian man and asked him: "Why did you jump?!" The reply was: "I have a wife and children at home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wh8vs/putin_and_trump_met_to_discuss_security/
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Did you hear about the guy who invented knock knock jokes?

He won the no-bell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wh6b2/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_invented_knock/
%
I switched to sensitive toothpaste, but I don't think it's working.

I'm still an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wh66d/i_switched_to_sensitive_toothpaste_but_i_dont/
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What do you do when you find a space man?

You park your car man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wh5r0/what_do_you_do_when_you_find_a_space_man/
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Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.
One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"
The other said, "What for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wh34p/two_canadian_body_builders_were_working_out_at/
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What do you call it when two psychics reach a compromise?

A happy medium!
No idea if I was the first to ever tell this joke, but I was damn proud of myself when I put it together as a kid xD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wh08h/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_psychics_reach_a/
%
What do you call an annoying hobbit?

Douchebaggins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wgzmc/what_do_you_call_an_annoying_hobbit/
%
Have you ever heard the joke about pen and paper?

That joke wrote itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wgxl2/have_you_ever_heard_the_joke_about_pen_and_paper/
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A reporter visits a small town in Siberia

He interviews the mayor and says: “So tell me a happy story about your people that I can report back to my editors. You know, something you guys are famous for.”
“Oh oh, I know one. So there is this mountain nearby, and anytime something gets lost on the mountain like my neighbor’s goat did once, the men of the town get together, drink and go look for it. When we find it, we have sex with it!” replied the mayor
“Oh god! I can’t report that,” exclaims the reporter “I tell you what, tell me another happy story.”
“I got one, one time a farmer and his wife were on the mountain, and he lost his wife. So, we got drunk and went looking for her. We found her, had sex with her!” laughed the mayor.
“FUCK IT! Tell me a sad story,” says the reporter.
The mayor immediately starts sobbing and says “One day...I got lost on the mountain...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wgov6/a_reporter_visits_a_small_town_in_siberia/
%
I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wgl7r/i_remember_doing_a_book_report_in_elementary/
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There was a 6 year old boy named Little Johnny

Johnny loved baseball and always had his ball and glove with him, but today he is hiding in his parents closet. From his vantage point, he could see his mother rolling around on her bed with the strange man who came over when his dad went to work.
Suddenly, he heard the front door open and his mother shoved the naked man into the big closet with him and slammed the door. Little Johnny waited in the dark room for a moment then said, "it's dark in here."
The startled man replied "Yeah... It is."
"You like baseball?"
"Not that much, no."
"I have a baseball you can buy."
"No thanks, kid."
"You know that's my dad out there..."
"Okay, then... How much?"
"$50."
Begrudgingly, the man pays little Johnny his $50. A few days later, little Johnny is once again hiding in his parents closet and watching his mother with the strange man. Once again, his dad comes home early and the man is shoved into the closet with little Johnny.
"It's dark in here."
"Yeah... It is."
"I have a baseball glove..."
The man sighs.. "How much, kid?"
"$100."
Again, the man pays little Johnny. A few days later, little Johnny's dad suggests a game of catch in the yard and little Johnny tells him he doesn't have his ball and glove anymore. His father asks him why and he says he sold them to a friend. When his father finds out he sold the ball and glove for $150, he becomes angry and takes little Johnny to confession for cheating his friend out of so much money. He walks little Johnny to the confession booth and pushes him inside, shutting the door behind him.
"It's dark in here..."
"Now don't start that again, kid!" says the priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wgku0/there_was_a_6_year_old_boy_named_little_johnny/
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I may have a needle dick

But I fuck like a sewing machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wgjjn/i_may_have_a_needle_dick/
%
A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wgj0r/a_mormon_and_an_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
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Scott Pruitt has resigned to focus more on his true passion..

Throwing uncut plastic soda rings into the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wgigt/scott_pruitt_has_resigned_to_focus_more_on_his/
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A woman’s on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, "How’s my cat doing?"
The husband says, "The cat’s dead."
The woman’s upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t get her down."
"Okay, I’m sorry," says the husband, "I’ll remember that."
The woman says, "Anyway, how’s my mother doing?"
The husband says, "Your mother’s on the roof and we can’t get her down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wgguv/a_womans_on_vacation_and_calls_home/
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A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He  said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"
The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"
The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wggim/a_snail_went_to_the_police_station_to_report_that/
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A Rich Man and a Poor Man sit down at a bar...

“What’s in the box?” asks the Poor Man.
“A diamond necklace!” exclaimed the Rich Man, “a gift for my wife of 25 years.”
“Hey, I’m celebrating my 25th anniversary too”, says the Poor Man.
“Oh really, so what’d you get her?” asks the Rich Man.
“A pair of slippers”, he replied.
“Very good,” says the Rich Man, “but just in case my wife doesn’t like the necklace, I also got her a brand new Mercedes”, as he proudly flashed the keys.
“Uh huh. Well, I also got mine a dildo”, said the Poor Man.
“Oh my god, why would you get her that?!” asked the Rich Man, horrified.
The Poor Man said, “Because if MY wife doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!”
Credit for this joke goes my father, who I heard it from first, then to Tony Soprano many years later. RIP to both of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wggdk/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_sit_down_at_a_bar/
%
A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lottery?"

She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies,
"I won $12, here's $6, now piss-off....!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wgfxu/a_husband_says_to_his_wife_what_would_you_do_if_i/
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John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon...

History shows us that if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after a fucking airport.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wge8f/john_f_kennedy_indira_gandhi_john_lennon/
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A weasel walks into a bar...

A weasel walks into a bar.  The bartender is stunned.
“Wow I’ve never seen a weasel in my bar before!” exclaims the bartender. “What kind of alcohol would you like?”
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, “Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you? It’s on the house!”
“Pop.” goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wgbh8/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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The Flat Earth Society held it's annual conference in Antarctica this year...

... but attendance fell off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wgbe9/the_flat_earth_society_held_its_annual_conference/
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It is taking much longer to rescue the boys trapped in the Thai cave.

All the diving experts are participating in the World Cup in Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wg9ua/it_is_taking_much_longer_to_rescue_the_boys/
%
Why do philosophers get chicks?

They're thot provoking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wg9tm/why_do_philosophers_get_chicks/
%
How did Jesus keep in such great shape?

CrossFit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wg5zj/how_did_jesus_keep_in_such_great_shape/
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I like my coffee like I like my men...

Up my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wg5p6/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_men/
%
A lawyer walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and asks “The usual?”
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wg5fv/a_lawyer_walks_into_a_bar/
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Iblewmythumbsofwithfireworksyesterday

toobadIusedthemforthespacebar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wg0ep/iblewmythumbsofwithfireworksyesterday/
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A new highly infectious virus has broken out in Boston causing large amounts of people to sneeze so hard fall on their ass.

They’re calling the “mass achoo sits”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfy72/a_new_highly_infectious_virus_has_broken_out_in/
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A priest goes to the barbershop and asks how much a trim would cost.

The barber answers, "oh, you're a holy man, I can't charge anything." He gives the priest a trim, the priest thanks him, and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.
After a few weeks, an imam comes to the shop. He asks the barber how much it would cost for a beard trim and waxing. The barber answers, "you're a holy man, I simply could not ask you to pay anything." The imam thanks him for the service and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.
A few weeks pass and a rabbi comes to the store and asks how much a haircut would be. The barber tells him, "I could not charge you anything as you are a holy man."  The rabbi thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the barber finds 12 rabbis in a line on his doorstep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfwfa/a_priest_goes_to_the_barbershop_and_asks_how_much/
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What kind of shoes do artists wear?

Sketchers...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfsio/what_kind_of_shoes_do_artists_wear/
%
I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, "what would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfscy/i_found_a_wallet_today_and_as_a_good_christian_i/
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Observation

The orthopedic surgeon Betty worked for was moving to a new office, and the staff was helping transport many of the items. Betty sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, his bony arm across the back of her seat. She hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside her became obvious, and she looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”
The driver leaned out his window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfq53/observation/
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Why Darth Vader?

Since I was little people asked why did I want to be Darth Vader. Easy, I wanna be a villain so I can saunter everywhere. Luke is always sprinting somewhere, always running, always sweaty and on the move. You ever seen Darth Vader run? Fuck no, and I ain’t about to either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfpud/why_darth_vader/
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- Doctor, we have stabilized the pacient

- Good, what did you do?
- We put a cardboard under the leg of the bed.
- Well done team.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfmaa/doctor_we_have_stabilized_the_pacient/
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What do you call a crazy Mexican plotting to run you over with a train for sleeping with his girlfriend?

A loco motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfjlc/what_do_you_call_a_crazy_mexican_plotting_to_run/
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Do you want to hear a construction site joke?

I'm working on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfj4a/do_you_want_to_hear_a_construction_site_joke/
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How do you admit that you are gay and still make your statemwnt obscure?

Random person: Are you gay?
Gay person: Damn straight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfg87/how_do_you_admit_that_you_are_gay_and_still_make/
%
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

To see the battlefield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wffiu/why_do_french_tanks_have_rearview_mirrors/
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The hunter who didn't care

There was a hunter who simply didn't care.
One day, the hunter who didn't care was out hunting and bagged several animals that he intended to sell for furs.  And when I say many animals, I mean *many* animals, well beyond his legal limit.  But, alas, he didn't care.  He just kept waiting for animals and shooting on sight.
He had bagged every animal that was in season, but he did not stop there.  He killed animals that weren't in season, because, alas, he didn't care.
He trashed the woods in which he hunted.  He never picked up his trash or his shell casings, because, you guessed it, he didn't care.
Until the game warden showed up.  The game warden saw the hunter who didn't care and immediately approached him, scorning him for being so careless in his hunting habits.  Of course, the hunter didn't care.  Realizing that nothing he said would morally suade this hunter, he decided to give him an ultimatum.  "I want some of your furs.  If you don't give me a bear fur, a deer fur, a raccoon fur, and a fox fur, I will haul you off to jail."
Giving away a few furs?  No big deal.  The hunter didn't care.
He skinned a bear and gave the warden the fur.
He skinned a deer and gave the warden the fur.
He skinned a raccoon and gave the warden the fur.
But at the end of the day, he ended up in jail, because the hunter who didn't care had no fox to give.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfee9/the_hunter_who_didnt_care/
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I know I’m getting old because...

I’m having dry dreams and wet farts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfdkv/i_know_im_getting_old_because/
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If your mom's vagina was a video game

It would be rated E for everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfco1/if_your_moms_vagina_was_a_video_game/
%
What kind of bees can't fly?

Boobies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfax9/what_kind_of_bees_cant_fly/
%
What's green and smells like fish?

a green fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wfa8l/whats_green_and_smells_like_fish/
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A Jewish girl asks her father for $100 to go shopping.

He says, "Seventy Five dollars? Why would you need Fifty dollars? What are you going to buy with Twenty Five dollars anyway?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wf960/a_jewish_girl_asks_her_father_for_100_to_go/
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Little Johnny gets on a bus eating a chocolate bar *NSFW*

Bus driver: you know you shouldn’t eat chocolate all the time
Johnny : my grandfather lived to be 94
Bus driver : and he did that by eating chocolate every day?
Johnny : no, by minding his own fucking business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wf8eb/little_johnny_gets_on_a_bus_eating_a_chocolate/
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A man goes to see his priest about his hearing...

Say no more, says the priest ! The priest calls on the congregation for an all night extensive prayer session.  They pray and sing and ask God to heal the man's hearing.   Quite tired from the all night Affair, the priest visits the man the next day. Did our prayers help your hearing he asked? Oh no, the man said, the hearing is not until next week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wf838/a_man_goes_to_see_his_priest_about_his_hearing/
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How does a doctor know if his patient is gay?

By how well the rectal exam goes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wf6ob/how_does_a_doctor_know_if_his_patient_is_gay/
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[repost] [long] Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.He asks her - why did you say that?I don't know, I just felt like saying it.The next day, grandpa drops dead.   Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy.  And goodbye grandma.Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do.   He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him -  and goodbye daddy.  What!?  are you sure honey?  She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat.  He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office.  He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there.   He watches the hours tick by.  Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.His wife then says - You had a miserable day?  I'm the one who had a miserable day!  First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wf1zy/repost_long_dad_is_listening_to_his_daughter_say/
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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wf0nd/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
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What do you get when you perform a bad vocal solo to a crowd of mosquitoes?

Malaria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8weyyf/what_do_you_get_when_you_perform_a_bad_vocal_solo/
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It is a little risky to download “Come Sail Away” or “Satisfaction” from the internet. “Turn, Turn, Turn” is perfectly safe however.

Styx and Stones may break your phones, but The Byrds will never hurt you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8weyi6/it_is_a_little_risky_to_download_come_sail_away/
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My new bank is very uplifting...

I’m $1,000 in debt, but they said my balance is *outstanding*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wevnr/my_new_bank_is_very_uplifting/
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What’s the difference between a redneck divorce and a tornado?

There is none. Either way someone is losing a trailer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wet99/whats_the_difference_between_a_redneck_divorce/
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An elderly Italian man lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
“Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”
“There is more Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes TWICE on Sundays.”
The priest said, “That was a long,long time ago and doing what you did,
placed the two of you in great danger.Two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh, however, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wergl/an_elderly_italian_man_lived_on_the_outskirts_of/
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Jack tells his doctor that he can no longer sustain an erection. After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "The problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

"We would take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
The thought of going through life without ever having sex again was too much for Jack, so he agreed to try the treatment.
A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to try out his new equipment.
He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
During dinner he felt a pain building in his groin.
To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly.
His penis immediately sprang from his fly, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
''I can try..." groaned Jack. "But I don't think my ass can take another roll."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8weram/jack_tells_his_doctor_that_he_can_no_longer/
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Amen

During  Sermon at a Sunday service , the Pastor  said: "If I had all the Beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river".
And the congregation  cried, "Amen! "
"And if I had all the Wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river".
And the congregation cried: "Amen!"
"And if I had all the Whiskey and Rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river".
Again the congregation cried:  "Amen!"...
The Pastor  sat down.
The Junior  Pastor then stood up and said: "For our closing Hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our Hymn books and sing,  "We shall drink from the river".
The whole Congregation SCREAMED *HALLELUJAH!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8weqfq/amen/
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My five year old son was playing in the garden

My 5 yr old son was playing in the garden and sees 2 spiders, He asks me "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, " We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8weoab/my_five_year_old_son_was_playing_in_the_garden/
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Late Night Vet Call...

Her dog was on heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog  while the neighbor was on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling  sounds.  She  rushed downstairs  and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although  it was very late at  night, she called her vet, who eventually answered in a very  grumpy  voice and noticeably irritated.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just  worked for me," he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wemjl/late_night_vet_call/
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Do you know what pregnant teen, burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common?

In every case some basted pulled out too late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wemif/do_you_know_what_pregnant_teen_burnt_pizza_and/
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NSFW A priest and a rabbi are walking past an elementary school...

When the priest says to the rabbi "hey, wanna go screw some kids?"
And the rabbi says "out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wem06/nsfw_a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_walking_past_an/
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I couldn’t figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching the news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wek9a/i_couldnt_figure_out_why_the_season_of_the/
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A man walks into the sleaziest bar in town...

"I've had a rough day," he says. "Give me 40 shots of whiskey."
"40 shots?!" the bartender responds. “That'll probably kill you!"
The man stares him down and says, "Is that a problem??"
The bartender stares at him back and says, "Only if you're planning on running a tab."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wehsz/a_man_walks_into_the_sleaziest_bar_in_town/
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Why was Hellen Keller’s leg always yellow?

Her dog was blind too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8weeij/why_was_hellen_kellers_leg_always_yellow/
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What do you call a pizza place run by epileptic midgets?

Little seizures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wedjw/what_do_you_call_a_pizza_place_run_by_epileptic/
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A mum, dad and their son walk into a pub.

After a few drinks, the dad jumps up onto a table and starts reciting quotes from Shakespeare to his wife. The wife joins in, and responds with, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Then they dramatically kiss, as the whole pub stops and watches.
The son lifts his face from his palms and says, "Please... mum, dad... you're making a scene".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8we810/a_mum_dad_and_their_son_walk_into_a_pub/
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Never trust bed salesmen

They're all sleeper agents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8we6cb/never_trust_bed_salesmen/
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Spermatozoons are flowing.

One shouts: "I am the STRONGEST, I will be the first". The second one shouts "I am the most HANDSOME, I will be the first". Suddenly the third spermatazoon screams "Guys, we are in an ass!!!" All spermatazoons are in panic, with screams and tears they turn and flow backward. Except the third spermatazoon who continues his way and says silently "This is how the SMARTEST is born"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8we5uc/spermatozoons_are_flowing/
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A blonde got fed up with all the Blonde jokes......

So she cut her hair short and dyed it black. Bought a snazzy convertible and went driving through the countryside.
On a back country road, she drove up to a large flock of sheep that were slowly crossing the road. As she sat there watching the flock she saw the farmer standing there.
She said “Hey I’ll bet you, if I can guess how many sheep you have in this flock, how about you give me one?
“Ok” he said, “give it a try.”
She stood in the seat and surveyed the flock and said “You have 347 sheep!”
The farmer was amazed as he had exactly 347 sheep. He told her to pick her one out, and picked a really cute one. As she was putting it into her car.
The farmer said “Wait a minute, how about if I can guess what color your hair really is you give me my dog back?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8we35b/a_blonde_got_fed_up_with_all_the_blonde_jokes/
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A priest and a Rabbi are running out of a burning church...

Priest: what are we gonna do about the children?
Rabbi: Fuck the children!
Priest: Do we have enough time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8we1wz/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_running_out_of_a_burning/
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How did the barber win the race?

...he took some short cuts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wdw0i/how_did_the_barber_win_the_race/
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This girl I met online found out I’m really in to anal.

She’s got me pegged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wdv6l/this_girl_i_met_online_found_out_im_really_in_to/
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I don't normally tell dad jokes

but when I do he usually laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wdovk/i_dont_normally_tell_dad_jokes/
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Toilets are the toughest piece of hardware in our houses.

They take shit from everybody like a champ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wdm1l/toilets_are_the_toughest_piece_of_hardware_in_our/
%
A minister, a priest and a rabbi are at a lake fishing...

when the priest announces he needs to use the bathroom. The other two watch as the priest gets out of the boat and walks on top of the water to the lake shore, does his thing, and does the same to return to the boat. About ten minutes later, the minister announces that he, too, needs to go to the bathroom, gets out of the boat and walks on the water to the lake shore, does his thing, and returns to the boat in the same manner.
Upon his return, the rabbi thinks that he can't let these other two's religions look superior to his own, and so announces he's going to the bathroom. He steps off the boat and splashes straight into the water.
The priest turns to the minister and says, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wdht7/a_minister_a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_at_a_lake/
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A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "I'll take five beers please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wdahj/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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My whole family bonded over math. Calculus was our religion. Except my grandfather...

...he was against integration.
Credit: Matthew Broussard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wd7b9/my_whole_family_bonded_over_math_calculus_was_our/
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England: colour

America: color
England: flavour
America: Flavor
England: Labour
America: Labor
England: what the fuck are you doing?
America: getting rid of u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wd6ew/england_colour/
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I woke my wife up with an orgasm this morning,

She just spat it back in my face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wd5ud/i_woke_my_wife_up_with_an_orgasm_this_morning/
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A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wd3by/a_waiter_walks_up_to_a_table_full_of_jewish_women/
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What does a mermaid wear to a Maths class ?

An algaebra.
Note: Not my original. I had read this somewhere a few years ago. Kudos to the original creator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wd02w/what_does_a_mermaid_wear_to_a_maths_class/
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If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wcy75/if_california_splits_into_3_states_we_just_need/
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My friend told me that I didn’t understand how to use irony.

It was really ironic, since we were at the bus stop at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wcr5z/my_friend_told_me_that_i_didnt_understand_how_to/
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What did the hat say to the scarf?

You hang around here, I will go on ahead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wcp1t/what_did_the_hat_say_to_the_scarf/
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I got asked out by SO many ladies today. My secret?

I was in the ladies restroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wck96/i_got_asked_out_by_so_many_ladies_today_my_secret/
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What do you say to Simba when he walks too slow?

Mufasa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wch78/what_do_you_say_to_simba_when_he_walks_too_slow/
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Quick Thinking

Teacher says, "Whoever can answer my next question, is free to leave class."
One little boy chucks his backpack out the window.
Teacher asks, "Who threw that bag?"
Little boy, "Me! I'll see you tomorrow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wceow/quick_thinking/
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I got a private jet.

Rest of the jacuzzi belong to my Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wccnn/i_got_a_private_jet/
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Brazil is playing tomorrow and I'm betting...

...that Neymar is ready to roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wc87n/brazil_is_playing_tomorrow_and_im_betting/
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*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wc30w/canadas_first_professional_soccer_team_has_made/
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I don't like how everyone is making fat jokes about me behind my back.

It's fine now. They finally came around and apologized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wc2bv/i_dont_like_how_everyone_is_making_fat_jokes/
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Did you hear about the Gay Irish couple?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wbyzv/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_irish_couple/
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Childbirth

Was probably a walk in the park for elastigirl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wbxmx/childbirth/
%
A good workman doesn't blame his fools

\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wbx0b/a_good_workman_doesnt_blame_his_fools/
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Two gay guys were traveling

on a plane. Let's call them Matt and Bob.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Matt.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Matt stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bob.
So Matt and Bob have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wbvwu/two_gay_guys_were_traveling/
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In the 2001 film "The Planet of the Apes" David Warner plays a primate named Senator Sandar

which means the whole planet is probably a Banana Republic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wbu0y/in_the_2001_film_the_planet_of_the_apes_david/
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I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wbjfv/i_picked_up_a_hitchhiker_last_night_he_seemed/
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What martial art Aquaman learnt in Atlantis?

Crab Magá

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wbj6m/what_martial_art_aquaman_learnt_in_atlantis/
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We should build the wall along the border out of Hillary's emails.

Republicans sure as hell can't seem to get over them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wbios/we_should_build_the_wall_along_the_border_out_of/
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Jim, the foul mouthed 1st grader.

Jim's a special boy. His teacher knows he's had it rough and understands why he's a disruptive and crude child yet she avoids calling on him when his hand is raised; he's got a terribly foul mouth.
While reviewing the alphabet, the teacher was asking the students for names of animals with corresponding letters.
Teacher: "Can anyone think of an animal that starts with the letter *A*?"
Jim eagerly raised his hand but she couldn't possibly call on him, he would certainly say "Ass". She called on another student who gave a correct and pleasant answer.
Teacher: "Can anyone think of an animal that starts with the letter *B*?"
Jim stretched his arm as high as he could and waived it around feverishly but she could not call on him for he would surely say "Bitch". She instead called on the little girl in the front row.
This pattern would repeat itself until the teacher reached the letter *R*. The teacher, knowing Jim couldn't possibly come up with a vulgar *R animal*, called on him and relief swept over Jim's face - finally it was his turn.
Jim stood from his desk and declared proudly, "*R* is for *RAT*.", he paused, "A Giant Fucking *Rat* with a Huge Dick."
The End.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wbi2i/jim_the_foul_mouthed_1st_grader/
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A pirate walks into a bar,

He has what appears to be a steering wheel tucked into his pants.
Another patron of the bar asks,
"why do you have that in your pants? Isn't it uncomfortable?"
The pirate responded,
"Aye, matey, it's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wbgo7/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a square chicken?

A cockblock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wbf5n/what_do_you_call_a_square_chicken/
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What goes “quack, quack, quack?”

A junkie with a speech impediment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wbeuv/what_goes_quack_quack_quack/
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Whats worse than finding a maggot in your food?

Finding half a maggot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wbem6/whats_worse_than_finding_a_maggot_in_your_food/
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A blonde was determined to prove people wrong

So she speaks to her husband about this after reading dozens of blond jokes.
“I’m fed up with this, I’ve never done something so stupid! I can do something to prove everyone wrong about blondes and what a better opportunity since we just moved into this house.”
Husband replies with a chuckle: “And just what are you going to do to accomplish this great feat?”
Blonde: “Well, I’m going to paint the walls in the house. I know for certain I can do this.”
So they head out to buy the paint and she speaks to the teller about everything and gets the brushes, canvass floor coverings, clothe protectors the works. She doesn’t miss a beat.
When they return home the husband says “I’ve got a gathering with the boys for poker night, are you certain you want to do this yourself?”
She of course replies with a yes and proceeds to read the paint can for instructions.
Husband returns home at night and calls to his wife. Remarkably the walls are painted beautifully, no mistake, no spills but he can’t find his wife she just wont respond. He rushes upstairs looking for her and finally finds her in a room passed out and beet red.
He rushes over to her and realizes she has a couple of thick coats on. Confused because it’s the middle of summer so hurriedly, he takes them off and cools her down as quickly as possible and soon she comes too.
He asks: “Honey, why on earth were you wearing two coats? It’s the middle of summer!”
Reaching for the paint can as she grabs it she responds while pointing to the fine print on the back of the label.
“Because it says right here. For best results, use two coats.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wbeck/a_blonde_was_determined_to_prove_people_wrong/
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Two men on a train both have black eyes.

Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"
Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful busty girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"
Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you stupid bitch'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wb9nf/two_men_on_a_train_both_have_black_eyes/
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An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.
Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?"
The Russian: "The Indian, of course".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wb79d/an_american_an_indian_and_a_russian_got_in_hell/
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I really like the iPhone X

It's the only thing that gets turned on by looking at me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wb0vu/i_really_like_the_iphone_x/
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It’s a slow night at the bar, when in walks narcissist, a millionaire, and a corrupt politician.

The bartender says “good evening Mr. President”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8waydb/its_a_slow_night_at_the_bar_when_in_walks/
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DirtyThere were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.
They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.
They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"
"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wax4j/dirtythere_were_three_pows_together_in_a_british/
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I had to sell my vacuum cleaner,

because it was just collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wawc4/i_had_to_sell_my_vacuum_cleaner/
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A man comes home from work...

and it’s clear he’s had a rough day. His wife says, “Honey, you look terrible, what’s wrong?” The man says, “Well, let’s just say that I have a big problem.” The wife says, “No, WE have a problem.” “What do you mean?” says the husband. The wife replies, “You and I are a team, we’re in this together. So, if YOU have a problem, WE have a problem. Now tell me what’s bothering you.” The man pauses for a moment and replies, “Well, ok then, here goes...OUR secretary is pregnant and WE’RE responsible.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8waw97/a_man_comes_home_from_work/
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They say that when you die you become closer to God

Because you no longer exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8waudh/they_say_that_when_you_die_you_become_closer_to/
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman he ever saw boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
"Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said,
"Business."
I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded.
"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said.
"And what kind of myths are there?" "
"Well", she explained,
"One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Spanish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said,
"I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."
"Tonto," the man said ,
"Tonto Gonzalez, but my friends call me Bubba."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8watw1/a_man_boarded_an_airplane_and_took_his_seat/
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Not only am I the master of suspense...

...I’m also the master of disappointing endings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8watkx/not_only_am_i_the_master_of_suspense/
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I hired some lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.

They lost my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8waqyy/i_hired_some_lawyers_to_sue_the_airline_company/
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The digital internet consists of 1s and 0s.

That explains alot about my Tinder matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8waox4/the_digital_internet_consists_of_1s_and_0s/
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At what frequency does laughter become painful

1 gigglehurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wallq/at_what_frequency_does_laughter_become_painful/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert.

Their car broke down so they all agree to grab something from the car to help them survive. The Brunette shuffles around and grabs food. The Redhead rummages through the trunk and pulls out water. They are talking saying that it’s to prevent them from starving or becoming dehydrated while they wait for the blonde to get something useful.
When the blond comes over looking exhausted she asks for a hand to get what she is after so they walk over only to see that the car door is off it’s hinges.
She says “I can’t carry this myself!”
The other two ask “What makes the car door so useful?”
The blonde replies “I thought if we got hot, I could roll the window down.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wah36/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stranded_in/
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I’m a huge fan of ALL of Bruce Willis’s work. I’ve seen every movie he’s in.

I guess you can say.. I’m a Die Hard fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wafxh/im_a_huge_fan_of_all_of_bruce_williss_work_ive/
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I decided to make a list of all the things I'm bad at

2) Lists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wadu2/i_decided_to_make_a_list_of_all_the_things_im_bad/
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Old man goes to the doctor

The man tell the doctor :” every morning at 8 am I take a shit”
Doctor :” ok that’s good and regular , what seams to be the problem? “
Man :” well I never wake up before 9am”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wac2d/old_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Two men with Alzheimer’s at the bech

....they are peckish and want some food.
The first man (Bob) says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?”
Carl: Sure what do you want?
Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce
Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now.
Carl walks off...
Bob: Now you will remember what I want?
Carl: Yes, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce
Bob: Correct
Carl walks a little further...
Bob: Don’t forget now Carl
Carl: I won’t, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce
Carl is nearly at the ice cream van
Bob: Carl?!!! DON’T FORGET WHAT I WANT!!!!
Carl: I WON’T, VANILLA ICE CREAM, CONE, FLAKE AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE...
A little while Carl walks back with 2 burgers.
Bob: Fucking hell Carl where’s my fries??!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wab9x/two_men_with_alzheimers_at_the_bech/
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One day I was playing...

I was about seven years old—and I saw the cellar door open just a crack. Now my folks had always warned me: Emo, whatever you do, don't go near the cellar door. But I had to see what was on the other side if it killed me, so I went to the cellar door, pushed it open and walked through, and I saw strange, wonderful things—things I had never seen before— like ... trees, grass, flowers, the sun—that was nice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wab0z/one_day_i_was_playing/
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Two antennas fell in love on a rooftop

The antenna asks the other one to marry him.
The wedding itself was not up to par but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8waard/two_antennas_fell_in_love_on_a_rooftop/
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A sad story

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $489,000 and your mother just lost her job.
I’m sorry but there’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase.  So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $489,000 mortgage and no fuckin’ bike.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wa8mb/a_sad_story/
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Did you hear about the man who was attacked with a pickaxe?

He escaped with miner injuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wa4jh/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_was_attacked_with/
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Pick up line for astronomers

Baby, the universe starts with "U" "N" "I"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wa4ja/pick_up_line_for_astronomers/
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An Irishman, a Scotsman, and a Welshman walk into a bar.

Whilst all the Englishmen went to the World Cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wa1iz/an_irishman_a_scotsman_and_a_welshman_walk_into_a/
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Wanna go see the movie constipated

Actually never mind it ain't out yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wa0b9/wanna_go_see_the_movie_constipated/
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Which pianist likes deforestation?

Chopin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wa012/which_pianist_likes_deforestation/
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I always wanted to be an exorcist

So I studied and worked real hard to become an orcist. Then I quit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w9v0j/i_always_wanted_to_be_an_exorcist/
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We were incompatible in a lot of ways.

Like for example, I was a night person, and he didn't like me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w9s44/we_were_incompatible_in_a_lot_of_ways/
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I bought a new weed-whacker today...

It's cutting hedge technology...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w9qe7/i_bought_a_new_weedwhacker_today/
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Went to the sperm clinic earlier...

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said "I'm good but not ready for competition just yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w9o93/went_to_the_sperm_clinic_earlier/
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During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .
Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours is a worthy contender
Greg " that's not it ,chief "
And then places a piece of bread on the stone and takes the knife in his hand
" What I'm about to do will blow your mind " .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w9mn0/during_the_annual_cavemen_conference/
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Little Johnny #1

Teacher asks class to think a little laterally and answer the question, "How can you put 2 holes in one?".
After no one could answer, she made a ring with her finger and put it around her nostrils and said, "That's how".
Little johnny excitedly raises his hand and says, "Teacher teacher! Wanna know how to put 7 holes in one?".
The teacher was stumped, so little johnny says, "Take a flute and shove it up your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w9ka0/little_johnny_1/
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The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w9936/the_police_say_that_they_burn_all_the_weed_they/
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Oral sex might just work!

A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a comatose woman. She is gently sponging her nether region when suddenly the monitor blips.
“Doctor!” she exclaims, “look at this!”
The doctor comes in, she does it again, and the monitor blips again.
“Interesting,” says the doctor. “Call her husband.”
So, the husband comes in and the doctor explains what happened and says to him, “this might sound crazy, but we think that oral sex just might snap her out of her coma.”
Her husband says, “really? Well, if you think so.”
So, they close the curtain and let the husband do his thing. After about two minutes the monitor flatlines. The staff come rushing in, tries to resuscitate her, but it’s too late.
The doctor turns turns to the husband and says, “I wonder what happened. Did you notice anything?”
The man pulls up his pants and says, “Maybe she choked?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w96h7/oral_sex_might_just_work/
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John was an Astronaut...

John was an astronaut scheduled to fly on his first mission to the International Space Station. The media frenzy surrounding the launch was maddening. Everywhere John went, the media followed him.
He would part the curtains at his home in the morning, and the media was out there peering in, trying to get a shot of him going about his day.
It wasn't just the media - even his friends and relatives began pouring in. His house was literally filled to the brim with people every single minute.
There was barely any room to walk around the house, and leaving the house meant a swarm of reporters would follow him everywhere. It was becoming too much for John and NASA called in their medical team to look at his condition, only to reveal that John was becoming claustrophobic due to the constant pressure of people around him, not giving him a moment of peace and quiet.
The launch now in jeopardy, NASA were looking for a replacement but John decided to overcome his phobia and insisted that he would make the trip. Eventually, NASA decided to go ahead with John but were constantly monitoring his heart rate.
John's heart was beating dangerously fast as he walked towards the craft, got strapped in and went up. However, as soon as they were out of the Earth's atmosphere, he calmed down and became completely normal.
Turns out, all he needed was a little space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w92z1/john_was_an_astronaut/
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The Teacher tells her class: “Your science test was terrible. 32% of you got an F.”

A blonde student shouts in anger: “That can’t be right, there’s not even 20 of us in the class!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8yus/the_teacher_tells_her_class_your_science_test_was/
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I used to tell dad jokes.

But he still hasn't come back from buying that pack of cigarettes yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8uwa/i_used_to_tell_dad_jokes/
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The legend of Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.
But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.
Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.
Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.
But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.
Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."
Curious, Attila did as he asked.
Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.
"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.
Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.
To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,
"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8t6l/the_legend_of_attila_the_hun/
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I work at a non-profit...

...but that’s not what my boss actually wants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8qlx/i_work_at_a_nonprofit/
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You know how many Indian food jokes I know?

Naan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8npe/you_know_how_many_indian_food_jokes_i_know/
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This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
\[Edit: Thanks guys,  wasn't  expecting it to blowup like that, we also made it to the front-page.  Thank you kind stranger for giving me gold, it really made my day\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8mbi/this_guy_wakes_up_one_morning_to_find_a_gorilla/
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Why does a keyboard work day and night?

Because it has two shifts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8ivb/why_does_a_keyboard_work_day_and_night/
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One day a dude travelling in a bus notices that a blond lady is peeking into his phone.

The dude texts his friend "man, a blond lady is peeking into my phone I don't know what to do."
The blond lady instantly says "oh excuse me! Who the hell do you think you are? I am not peeking into your stupid phone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8i1z/one_day_a_dude_travelling_in_a_bus_notices_that_a/
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I went to a bookstore and asked the woman at the desk if they had any books on turtles

"Hardback?" She asked.
"Yes" I said...
"And the little head and feet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8gib/i_went_to_a_bookstore_and_asked_the_woman_at_the/
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Did you know that if you laid out someone’s DNA end to end...

that you would be arrested for murder?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8fef/did_you_know_that_if_you_laid_out_someones_dna/
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What do you call an underage who works in a quarry?

A Miner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8ekt/what_do_you_call_an_underage_who_works_in_a_quarry/
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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8c6g/i_met_a_14_year_old_girl_on_the_internet/
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A man walks into a bar......

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman “if I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”
Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says “sure , Impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!”
So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well.
The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing !
The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and asks”where did you find him?”
“Well “says the man, “I found this magic lamp”Goes back in to the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp.
“I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness”
“Wow” says the barman.
The man then says “as you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp”
“Be careful what you wish for tho”
So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish………
Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!!
The barman shouts at the man saying,” I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!“
To this the man replies, ” And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?! “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8bvi/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8b5k/i_was_having_sex_with_a_friends_wife_the_phone/
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Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w8793/who_wears_a_red_suit_and_knows_if_you_were/
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A man was about to commit suicide

He then says to God...
"You can't fire me, I quit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w7ymv/a_man_was_about_to_commit_suicide/
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Hey, would you like to try Ethiopian food?

They would too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w7tx4/hey_would_you_like_to_try_ethiopian_food/
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So I heard a new Mama Mia movie was coming out.

Oh boy, here we go again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w7scc/so_i_heard_a_new_mama_mia_movie_was_coming_out/
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What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w7mt3/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
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I sometimes feel like a man inside a woman's body

And then I pull out ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w7mel/i_sometimes_feel_like_a_man_inside_a_womans_body/
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My therapist told me: "Write letters to people you hate, then burn them."

Did that, but know I don't know what to do with the letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w7jdj/my_therapist_told_me_write_letters_to_people_you/
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I dated a dwarf once

I was nuts over her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w7j9i/i_dated_a_dwarf_once/
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What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and hangs on the wall?

Art

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w7j0s/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_no_legs_and/
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What do you say in a haunted French bakery?

This place gives me the crepes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w7hui/what_do_you_say_in_a_haunted_french_bakery/
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The police in my town are looking for a crazy man. He was last seen running away after having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w7hl9/the_police_in_my_town_are_looking_for_a_crazy_man/
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The Fantastic Pig

John is travelling one day and sees a sign on the side of the road saying, "30 miles until the fantastic pig." He is curious but doesn't think anymore of it until he sees another sign 10 miles up the road declaring the fantastic pig only 20 miles away. This continues up until 5 miles away from the supposed fantastic pig, so curiosity burning, the man turns down a driveway declaring itself to be the home of the fantastic pig.
John drives down a long thin dirt road with trees on either side for quite a while before it opens up with a house in a wide yard. The man has to get out to open the gate and when he does several dogs come running up to the gate with a pig in tow. The pig has two peg legs. John is even more curious now and quickly closes the gate so the animals don't get out.
As he walks up to the house in the heat a man emerges from the house and welcomes him.
'You here about the fantastic pig?' The farmer asks. John nods.
'Was that it? The one with the two peg legs?' He asks. The fantastic pig owner nods. 'Well, what makes it so fantastic?'
'Let me tell you. Couple years ago the kids were swimming near the dam and the youngest fell in. The other didn't notice but the pig did. Pig dived in and swam to my drowning child and pulled him out. Just like that.'
John is impressed.
'That is fantastic!'
'Another time the kitchen caught on fire when my wife was home. She was outside putting clothes on the line and didn't realise. The pig did and unwound the hose, turned the tap on with its nose and ran into and put the fire out.'
John is practically jumping with excitement.
'Wow!' He exclaims. 'That's even more fantastic!'
The farmer goes on.
'Another time a wolf came up close to the house and was about to attack one of the children and the pig stopped it. Scared it off.'
John is just in awe and turns around searching for the pig. There it is, lazing in the sun with its peg legs. Turning back around he says, 'The peg legs, are they from fighting with the wolf?'
The farmer shakes his head. John is curious now.
'Well what happened to him?'
The farmer crossed his arms and stared at John.
'Mate, you got a pig that fantastic - would you eat it all at once?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w7eg4/the_fantastic_pig/
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The US postal service releases a stamp of Donald Trump

After sometime, reports start to come in that the stamp was not sticking. Infuriated that his own stamps were not working, Trump conducted a $1,300,000 investigation to find out what happened. After eliminating all of the possibilities, they observe the post office to see if the fault was on the consumers end. They soon found out that people were spitting on the wrong side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w7ayu/the_us_postal_service_releases_a_stamp_of_donald/
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What do you call a colonial pharmacist?

A PILL-gram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w7avq/what_do_you_call_a_colonial_pharmacist/
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An American missionary is in Thailand when he is approached by a man offering prostitutes...

The man says in broken English, "I have pretty girl for you!"
The missionary responds, "No thank you"
But he is persistent, "What you like? Long hair? Boobs? Legs?"
The missionary says, "No thank you. I am here to preach the words of Jesus."
The man says, "Oh! You want boy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w7amp/an_american_missionary_is_in_thailand_when_he_is/
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Squaring numbers are like women

If they're under 13, just do them in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w79ap/squaring_numbers_are_like_women/
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Mike Tyson was arrested at a 5th grade sitting bee his first time judging

The word was Dictate.
[Spelling Bee Contestant] Can you use it in a sentence?
[Mike Tyson] The woman said my dictate good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w77ie/mike_tyson_was_arrested_at_a_5th_grade_sitting/
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Today during my job interview I over poured water into a glass

“Nervous?” Said my interviewer
“No I just always give 110%” I said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w77ha/today_during_my_job_interview_i_over_poured_water/
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Tonight's firework show reminds me of my dad

Really exciting for 30 minutes, then completely gone for a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w77bx/tonights_firework_show_reminds_me_of_my_dad/
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I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage

Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w776g/i_went_to_the_zoo_yesterday_and_saw_a_baguette_in/
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Knock Knock

"Who's there?"
"Little boy blue"
"Little boy blue who?"
"The priest"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w743g/knock_knock/
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Why couldn’t the redneck use sunscreen?

Because the instructions said to apply liberally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w71uo/why_couldnt_the_redneck_use_sunscreen/
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w6s5z/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years.

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and i'll shit on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w6ryj/a_statue_of_a_man_and_a_statue_of_a_woman_stood/
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I went to see my Urologist... [NSFW]

Who happens to be a gorgeous blond with great tits and a winning personality.
She comes into the room looking over my chart and begins to tell me that I need to stop masturbating.
I give her a puzzled look and ask her why.
She looks at me and says, I’m trying to examine you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w6rdq/i_went_to_see_my_urologist_nsfw/
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What did the lightning say to the fireworks?

Hey!  You stole my thunder.
Credit to my nine year old daughter on the 4th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w6qks/what_did_the_lightning_say_to_the_fireworks/
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Where did the fire go on 4th of july?

Firework

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w6m89/where_did_the_fire_go_on_4th_of_july/
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I asked a librarian if she had a book about pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat...

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w6j25/i_asked_a_librarian_if_she_had_a_book_about/
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Why do people buy weed from Medusa?

To get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w6fv9/why_do_people_buy_weed_from_medusa/
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I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w6d39/i_dont_see_why_brits_dont_celebrate_the_4th_of/
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In Soviet Russia, you rob bank.

In Corporate America, bank robs YOU!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w6d01/in_soviet_russia_you_rob_bank/
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A Dog's Story

A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
“Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young,” the Lab says. “I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
“But jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some shady deals, and the mayor and the governor gave me a batch of medals. Then I got married, I had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars.”
“This dog is amazing,” the guy says. “Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w6cf8/a_dogs_story/
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Finally accepted to the new Miming Guild.

Can't tell you how excited I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w6cex/finally_accepted_to_the_new_miming_guild/
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How do you avoid bats flying into your face?

Don't go to baseball games.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w6c4x/how_do_you_avoid_bats_flying_into_your_face/
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"Where can I rent a scientist?"

Post-World War 2 Germany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w69q9/where_can_i_rent_a_scientist/
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Statues sure have a hard life

They are always erect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w69mg/statues_sure_have_a_hard_life/
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My daughter's original joke: What did one phone say to the other?

Nothing, it left a message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w69kl/my_daughters_original_joke_what_did_one_phone_say/
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Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment

Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w68ym/australia_just_banned_all_plastic_bags_yay_for/
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If Jesus can walk on water

Does he fly when it's raining

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w652i/if_jesus_can_walk_on_water/
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Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?

Because it's fucking close to water!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w63ws/why_is_american_beer_like_making_love_in_a_canoe/
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Best medicine

Patient approached a doctor for incessant cough and doctor prescribed laxative.
Assistant to doctor. Sir, you gave him laxative for cough.
Doctor: Yes, and now he'd think twice before coughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w63ny/best_medicine/
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What did the teacher do with his student's report on the history of cheese?

....he grated it....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w62mb/what_did_the_teacher_do_with_his_students_report/
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A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili..

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as l got, too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w5xte/a_guy_sits_down_in_a_diner_and_asks_for_a_bowl_of/
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What do you call children born in Whore Houses?

Brothel Sprouts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w5wgw/what_do_you_call_children_born_in_whore_houses/
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The punchline to this clickbait joke may shock you...

Exposed electrical wiring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w5wf9/the_punchline_to_this_clickbait_joke_may_shock_you/
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Did you hear about the guy thrown in jail for refusing to take a nap?

...he was resisting a rest...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w5t6s/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_thrown_in_jail_for/
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3rd grade math

If you have 7 apples in one hand, and 5 in the other, what do you have?
-Really large hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w5syv/3rd_grade_math/
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Research Papers Suck

I hate having to cite sources when I’m writing research papers. Sometimes it makes me so depressed that I just want to end et al.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w5sy0/research_papers_suck/
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What do you call someone with two monitors?

Mr. Game and Watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w5qv9/what_do_you_call_someone_with_two_monitors/
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What's does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w5o42/whats_does_america_have_that_canada_doesnt/
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An Innuit is out fishing in his canoe one day, feeling fairly miserable because he's cold and he hasn't caught anything...

Suddenly, he hits upon the idea of lighting a camping stove in the bottom of the boat so that he can stay warm, and cook his catch at the same time. However, before too long, the canoe hits a large wave, causing the stove to tip over and start a fire in the canoe. Not wishing to get burned, the Innuit is forced to swim back to shore, losing his boat and his catch.
The moral of the story is, you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w5n09/an_innuit_is_out_fishing_in_his_canoe_one_day/
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I asked my favorite prostitute why she left the business...

She said, "I got fucked over".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w5mdt/i_asked_my_favorite_prostitute_why_she_left_the/
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There are two turtles in a tank...

one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w5ipz/there_are_two_turtles_in_a_tank/
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I'm always pestering women, I've asked the same girl out 3 times

She said yes each time, I just had to be sure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w5g0w/im_always_pestering_women_ive_asked_the_same_girl/
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What is Forest Gump's password?

1forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w5fzt/what_is_forest_gumps_password/
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w5dqh/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_was_the_only_one_shes_been/
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I hate to beat a dead horse, but

If I’ve got enough money in the Kentucky Derby, you better believe I’ll do what’s necessary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w58ai/i_hate_to_beat_a_dead_horse_but/
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What do you call a red, white, and blue pubic wig?

A merkin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w56i6/what_do_you_call_a_red_white_and_blue_pubic_wig/
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Say what you want about Trump’s wall

But China has had a great wall for thousands of years and you still don’t see any Mexicans
Edit 2: ITT People who don’t realize it’s a joke about a wall and not the demographics of China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w54hb/say_what_you_want_about_trumps_wall/
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The only thing scarier than Thanos is a sassy gay Thanos

*Snaps in a “Z” formation*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w54g3/the_only_thing_scarier_than_thanos_is_a_sassy_gay/
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Did you hear Forrest Whittaker was caught cheating on his wife?

We always knew he had a wandering eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w51gm/did_you_hear_forrest_whittaker_was_caught/
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There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.
Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful children you have; are they twins?"
The lady snorts and replies back "Are you blind? They're five and seven and look nothing alike. How could anyone mistake them for twins?"
The old man, in his calm and cheerful demeanor, smiles broadly at the lady, and says, "Well, Miss, I didn't think anyone would want to fuck you twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w50ms/there_was_this_walmart_greeter_and_everyday_he/
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Amidst all of the distractions on this 4th of July, let’s not forget what we’re celebrating

That the British blew a 13 colony lead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w50hz/amidst_all_of_the_distractions_on_this_4th_of/
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A drunk calls a tavern owner early in the morning

The tavern owner picks up, and the drunk says "When are you opening your tavern?" The tavern owner replies and says that he will open at 11 am.
An hour later, the same drunk calls. The tavern owner says "I can't serve you beer until 11 am, I'll be there then." And he hangs up.
At 10:30 am, the drunk calls once more. The tavern owner, now frustrated, picks up and says "Dammit! I'm on my way I'll let you in soon!"
The drunk replies: "I'm not trying to get in I'm trying to get out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w50ga/a_drunk_calls_a_tavern_owner_early_in_the_morning/
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My wife handed me some viagra and told me that as I've never given her an orgasm, maybe this could help.

That was a hard pill to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w4zp2/my_wife_handed_me_some_viagra_and_told_me_that_as/
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Early morning revelations

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w4try/early_morning_revelations/
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Independence day.

Doctor: would you say you are independent?
Me: *looks over to mom*
Mom: *nods*
Me: yes, I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w4rf2/independence_day/
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Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.
The professor agrees.
On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "begin."
The students open their exam books and there's only one question. "Which tire went flat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w4q01/four_roommates_get_drunk_the_night_before_an_exam/
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What's a blind person's favorite candy?

Dots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w4kto/whats_a_blind_persons_favorite_candy/
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Two dinosaurs standing on a cliff

As they're looking out to sea, an ark floats past. One dinosaur turns to the other one and says,
'Oh, was that today?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w4j2d/two_dinosaurs_standing_on_a_cliff/
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Kleptomaniacs Anonymous

Yesterday, I attended a meeting for people suffering from kleptomania. When I walked in the room, a man greeted me and told me to take a seat, so I did. As I was leaving, he told me to put it back or he was gonna call the cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w4hu5/kleptomaniacs_anonymous/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w4hf0/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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What is a pirate's favorite firework?

M-80.
Happy 4th of July!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w4g7c/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_firework/
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Getting Annoyed

My friend has been getting on my nerves lately. Last night he stole the only remaining utensil I could have used to drink my water... that was the last straw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w4e4n/getting_annoyed/
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A story about morals

Teacher in school asks if anyone has a story with a moral at the end
Timmy puts his hand up and says "I do miss" teacher nods for him to proceed with his story
Timmy explains this story is about his grandad in WWII.
"My grandad was in a big battle during the war, all his other soldiers died and he was just by himself, he had 4 bullets, his bayonet & a bottle of whiskey, the Germans surrounded the bunker he was  in. So my grandad drank the whole bottle of whiskey shot 4 Germans and stabbed the rest"
The teacher asks "what is the moral of this story Timmy" and Timmy replies "Well miss the moral of the story is don't fuck with my grandad when he's drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w4dey/a_story_about_morals/
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What’s red and smells like green paint?

Red paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w4atd/whats_red_and_smells_like_green_paint/
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Sex is a bit like parking a car...

Every now and then you have to slip it in a disabled one.
^^^^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w493i/sex_is_a_bit_like_parking_a_car/
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What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window?

The restraining order

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w48hw/what_gets_bigger_every_time_i_watch_my_neighbor/
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What would pac-man do if he had legs?

Walk-a-walk-a-walk-a-walk-a-walk-a-walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w46lw/what_would_pacman_do_if_he_had_legs/
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What's the difference between sex and lego?

You don't know? Then you should probably stick to lego's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w44de/whats_the_difference_between_sex_and_lego/
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That's a nice ham you've got there...

...it would be a shame if someone put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w431r/thats_a_nice_ham_youve_got_there/
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What's red, white, black and blue?

Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w41zv/whats_red_white_black_and_blue/
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A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. It points a wing at the man behind the desk and says with a frown:

"Quack"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w413i/a_duck_walks_in_to_an_alternative_medicine/
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A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.
After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:
"I don't know why you all don't think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing 'Jose, can you see?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w40sz/a_mexican_man_sneaks_across_the_border_to_watch/
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3ylh/where_was_the_declaration_of_independence_signed/
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The student is having sex with his professor's hot wife.

Suddenly, "knock knock" to the door. Wife - "Oh fuck, it's my husband!" The student in panic rushes to the balcony of 10th floor appartment. There is no place to hide there. "I am totally fucked!!! And it's too high to climb out!" the student thinks. Suddenly a voice from the sky "Pull your your penis once". The student pulls his wiener once and  transforms to a little form of himself. "Fine, but how do I go down?". Again a voice from above "Pull your penis twice". The student pulls his penis twice and suddenly magic airflow picks him up and lands him down outside. "Nice, now I want to get my normal form back". Silence is the answer. The student is trying to transform back - he pulls his penis once, nothing happens, he pulls twice - nothing, he pulls and pulls and pulls in panic...
A sudden professor's voice from above "Student Pavlov, not only are you sleeping during my lecture, but also you are  masturbating!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3y7s/the_student_is_having_sex_with_his_professors_hot/
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A book fell on me yesterday...

A book fell on me yesterday, I have no one to blame but my shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3x8q/a_book_fell_on_me_yesterday/
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How did the vegetarian quit smoking?

He went cold tofu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3w81/how_did_the_vegetarian_quit_smoking/
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The princess wouldn't let prince make love to her

Ages ago there was a kingdom where a royal wedding took place.
Prince and a princess had a feast and then went to their chambers to consume their marriage, but there was a problem - the princess wouldn't let prince make love to her.
The prince waited and tried every day for next couple of months but he could not make love to her.
He got worried. After all, he is a prince and he has to continue his bloodline.
He remembered that he heard a rumor about a witch that lives deep in the forest - and does all sorts of magical drinks- including love potions that may help him with his problems.
He went to the woods and found the witch's cabin. When he explained his situation to the witch, she told him that there is a potion just right for his situation - but she missed the main ingredient - the dragon's testicle.
Prince was really desperate and decided to go for it. For 7 years he traveled - through woods, deserts, hills and mountains.
He finally found the dragon's lair and fought him for a week. He barely succeeded to kill the dragon - even losing his hand in process. And after another 9 years of traveling (he was hurt and had to carry dragon's huge nut on his back) prince returned back to his kingdom.
He went to the witch with the testicle, hoping that he will get a potion - but the witch said that it will take a year to prepare the ingredients. So he waited for another year. When he came back to her for the potion she said it needs to rest for another year. Prince slowly started to lose his nerve but still he waited. After another year the potion was finally done.
Prince then asked the witch: "So, do I just give it to my princess to drink?"
She said "No. You have to cook a dinner for your princess and all the food has to be very salty. Then you prepare a table for her. It's very important to put a chalice with the potion in the middle of the table. As she eats, the salty food will make her thirsty. She will reach for the chalice in the middle of the table - and as she bends over  you quickly go behind her and fuck her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3vlm/the_princess_wouldnt_let_prince_make_love_to_her/
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I own the world’s worst thesaurus.

Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3v6k/i_own_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus/
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One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody...

Unless you’re in prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3trx/one_of_the_most_wonderful_things_in_life_is_to/
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Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3q3w/bad_musicians_can_be_scary/
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What do you get when you remove the venom from a snake?

A belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3pc6/what_do_you_get_when_you_remove_the_venom_from_a/
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What is piper perri's favorite place to eat?

Five guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3oi4/what_is_piper_perris_favorite_place_to_eat/
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My iq is easily 3 digits long

Like around 0.01 at least.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3n8o/my_iq_is_easily_3_digits_long/
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Once, there was a French battle pilot, named Jean-Pierre

(I recommend reading the joke in a heavy French accent)
After the war, Jean-Pierre returned to live in Paris, above a local pub.
One night, he noticed a gorgeous blonde Parisian and went to flirt with her, which went well.
After a while of flirting, the blonde told Jean-Pierre, "ooh, Jean-Pierre, take me to your room..." So they want up to his room, above the pub, and continued flirting there.
After a while of that, the blonde says, "Jean-Pierre! Kiss me on my lips!"
So Jean-Pierre takes a bottle of whiile wine and pours the wine over the girl's lips. She exclaims, "Mon dieu! Jean-Pierre, what are you doing!"
And he replies, "huh, I'm Jean-Pierre, the French battle pilot, and when I eat my red meat, I drink my white wine with it!" - and he starts to kiss her passionately on her lips.
After a while of kissing, thigsi get hot, and the blonde says, "ooh, Jean-Pierre, kiss me lower..."
So Jean-Pierre takes a bottles on red wine, uncorks it, tears her blouse and bra and pours the wine all over her breasts.
The blonde, again, exclaims surprised, "Jean-Pierre, what are you doing??"
"A-huh-huh" he replies, "I'm Jean-Pierre, the French battle pilot, and when I eat my white meat, I drink my red wine with it!" - and he starts kissing her passionately on her breasts.
After a while of that, things get even hotter, and the blonde, again, says, "Jean-Pierre, kiss me lower..."
So Jean-Pierre tears off her skirt and her panties, takes a lighter and lights her pussy on fire.
The blonde shouts, "Jean-Pierre!! What are you doing!!?"
And Jean-Pierre exclaims, "Ugh, I'm Jean-Pierre! The French battle pilot! And when I go down - I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3j6w/once_there_was_a_french_battle_pilot_named/
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I farted in an Apple store yesterday and everyone had to evacuate

Because they didn't have Windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3htn/i_farted_in_an_apple_store_yesterday_and_everyone/
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What do you call a pregnant deer?

Fondue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3gm8/what_do_you_call_a_pregnant_deer/
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Three bass players walk into a bar.

They’re actually in the middle of performing Beethoven’s 9th symphony, but there’s a long section near the end where the basses don’t play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.
To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the conductor’s score a few pages before they start playing again. When he turns the page, it’ll tug on the string and they’ll know to head back to the concert hall.
So the symphony goes on, and pretty soon the conductor realizes he’s in trouble.
It’s the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w3cwr/three_bass_players_walk_into_a_bar/
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"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Neymar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w39tk/the_12_boys_stranded_in_a_flooded_cave_system_in/
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Have you ever had Jewish Coffee?

I heard Israeli good!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w39bb/have_you_ever_had_jewish_coffee/
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Can you help out my friend?

A friend of mine has two tickets for the England v. Sweden football match this Saturday.  He has already paid £800 for flights and accommodation.  However, he was devastated the other day when he realised it clashes with his wedding and he won't be able to attend after all.
Would anyone be interested in taking his place?  It all gets underway in West London at 3pm on Saturday July 7th.  The bride's name is Lucy, 30 years old, weighs about 60kg.  She is financially independent and an excellent cook, and her other interests include tennis and classical music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w331u/can_you_help_out_my_friend/
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What alcohol do you drink in survival video games?

Craft beers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w30mu/what_alcohol_do_you_drink_in_survival_video_games/
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Have you noticed that if you google the phrase "lost medieval servant boy"

you get "Page not found".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w30an/have_you_noticed_that_if_you_google_the_phrase/
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I've never owned a microscope

But it's something that I've been thinking of looking into.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w2z5y/ive_never_owned_a_microscope/
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The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton'

which also means nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w2xxm/the_word_nothing_is_a_palindrome_nothing_reversed/
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My Yelp review of the solar system

One star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w2xv0/my_yelp_review_of_the_solar_system/
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Rose

Daughter 1: Daddy, why am I named Rose?
Dad: Because when your mother gave birth to you, a rose petal fell on your head.
Daughter 2: What about me?
Dad: Because, Daisy, when you were born, a daisy petal fell on your head.
Son: *walks in* Anso nai?!
Dad: Oh, hey, Brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w2op2/rose/
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Why couldn’t the blonde dial 911?

She couldn’t find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w2n8w/why_couldnt_the_blonde_dial_911/
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Helping a person in need

A gentleman is at a bar. Feeling the need to take a piss he proceeds to the washroom. He notices an elderly man standing in front of the urinal looking around, his empty sleeves waving in the breeze. The gentleman takes pity on the elderly man with no arms and asks “do you need assistance?” To which the elderly man nods.
The gentleman proceeds to unzip the elderly man’s fly and notices his private part was oozing some thick green goo. Not knowing how to proceed he helps him take his dick out so he can urinate. He zips up the elderly man’s fly and is thanked graciously.
He asks the elderly man, “What’s that green stuff on your dick??”
The elderly man proceeds to pull out his arms from inside his shirt and shrugs, “Beats me but I didn’t want to touch it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w2mbx/helping_a_person_in_need/
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What did Helen Keller’s parents do to punish her

Leave the plunger in the toilet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w2lva/what_did_helen_kellers_parents_do_to_punish_her/
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how do you find will smith in the snow

you look for the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w2ilp/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed...

... after 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence. I guess you could say I got off easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w2hp5/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_police_woman_and/
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When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w2f82/when_i_see_a_girl_i_first_look_at_her_hair_then/
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What’s green and fuzzy and hurts when it falls from a tree?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w2dci/whats_green_and_fuzzy_and_hurts_when_it_falls/
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Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover up their butt-quacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w29t5/why_do_ducks_have_feathers/
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Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm get pulled over while driving together to a science convention.

The cop asks Heisenberg “do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies “no, but I know exactly where I am.”  The cop says “you were doing 55 in a 40.” Heisenberg is irritated and exclaims “Great now I’m lost!”
The cop is suspicious and searches the car, when he pops the trunk he asks “Do you know there’s a dead cat back here?” Schrodinger shouts back “we do now asshole,”
The officers moves to arrest the scientists.
Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w29sd/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_get_pulled_over/
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Strange Anatomy

These two Italian brothers own a garage. They hire this Korean guy as a mechanic. One morning the brothers go to open the garage and they find the Korean guy in the alley and he's dead. They call the police.
Cop: What was his full name?
Tony: I don't know. We called him Park.
Cop: Just Park?
Tony: Yeah.
Cop: Where did he live?
Vincent: I don't know.
Cop: Did he have any family or friends?
Both brothers shake their heads and say they don't know.
Cop: So let me get this straight. This guy works for you. You don't know his full name, where he lives, or anything about him? You must know something about him.
The brothers think... finally....
Tony: Oh yeah! Yeah! Remember? He had two assholes!
Vincent: That's right! He had two assholes. I forgot about that.
Cop: You gotta be kidding me. You don't know jack about this guy but you know he has two assholes? How would you know that?
Vincent: We go to lunch with him at the diner across the street every day. And the waitresses there would always say, "Here comes that Korean guy with the two assholes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w2983/strange_anatomy/
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An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping.  When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away".  The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w27si/an_old_farmer_was_picking_apples_after_filling_up/
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A Carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w234n/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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A woman is run over by a man in his car. Who is at fault?

The man. You’re not supposed to drive a car in a kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w20ds/a_woman_is_run_over_by_a_man_in_his_car_who_is_at/
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Nympho in the car

A man runs into his buddy at the bar and says to him,
"You wouldn't believe it, but I've got a nympho sitting in my car in the parking lot. But, she's completely wrecked me and I need a break, can't you go and keep her busy for awhile? The car's interior lights are broken, so she won't even know it's not me."
His buddy agrees and goes to the car. As soon as he steps in they get busy in the back seat. A couple minutes later a police officer sees them going at it, knocks on the window, and shines his flashlight on the pair.
"What's going on here?" He asks.
"Nothing doing," says the man, "This is my wife."
"Oh, my apologies," replies the officer, "I didn't know!"
"That's quite alright," says the man, "I didn't either until you showed up with your flashlight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1z4x/nympho_in_the_car/
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The blonde that tried.

A blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair dyed so she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said,
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1xq4/the_blonde_that_tried/
%
A young boy was going to the golf course with his grandfather

He was looking around the trunk of the new BMW. “What’re these?” he asked, pulling a small sack from the golf bag after his grandfather had loaded his clubs.
“Those are tees,” the old man said. “You put your balls in them when you drive.”
“Wow,” the boy said, “those BMW people think of everything, don’t they?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1tje/a_young_boy_was_going_to_the_golf_course_with_his/
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What does a British man say when ejaculating?

I'm arriving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1sw4/what_does_a_british_man_say_when_ejaculating/
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Sharks

A baby shark swims up to a group of sailors fallen in the water. He observes mama shark swim circles around the sailor for several minutes before proceeding to chomp down.
Baby shark asks mama shark “why do we swim circles around humans before eating them?”
Mama shark responds, “because they are more tasty after they shit themselves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1r4i/sharks/
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Words no man wants to hear

After my prostate exam, the doctor left.
Then the nurse came in.   As she shut the door, she asked:  "Who was that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1r34/words_no_man_wants_to_hear/
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A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral

A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1qzo/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
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A genie appears in front of a man, and grants him three wishes.

Man: For my first wish, I would like a TV camera to look at during oppurtune moments.
Genie: Granted. Your second wish?
Man: I wish everyone was super gullible.
Genie: Done. And for your final wish?
Man: I wish for updog.
Genie: What's updog?
Man: Not much, how about you? *Looks into camera*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1jtu/a_genie_appears_in_front_of_a_man_and_grants_him/
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The problem with good elevators is...

...that they never let you down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1jfi/the_problem_with_good_elevators_is/
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HAPPY FOURH OF JULY

Looking for the T?
It's in Boston Harbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1jcr/happy_fourh_of_july/
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Brits have more reason than most to celebrate 4th of July

Surely 242 years of officially being separated from America is something to be happy about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1ijn/brits_have_more_reason_than_most_to_celebrate_4th/
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, ‘I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?’
‘I am sorry if I disturbed you, she said, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. ‘
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. ‘I have never heard of that condition before’ he said. ‘Are you taking anything for it?’
The woman nodded. ‘Pepper.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1flw/a_man_and_a_woman_were_sitting_beside_each_other/
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I used to catcall a Chinese girl every day.

She was my flatmate, her name was Miao Miao.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1ff5/i_used_to_catcall_a_chinese_girl_every_day/
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My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.

Well, I’ve got some news for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1ezj/my_girlfriend_wants_me_to_choose_between_her_and/
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Did you hear the score of the football game between Egypt and Ethiopia?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1cxy/did_you_hear_the_score_of_the_football_game/
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Two men are talking at a bar...

The first man says to the second “I can never seem to sneak past my wife, when I get home from the bar she always yells at me”.
The second man asks “well, what do you do when you leave for home?”.
The first man replies “ when I get home, I turn the engine off and cruise into the driveway, I slowly open the door and I quietly creep up the stairs but despite all that she still knows I’ve been out to late!”
After hearing this the second man exclaims “well man, you’ve taken the complete wrong approach”
“ I have?” The first man replies, confused.
“You should do what I do” the second man says “ I accelerate into the driveway, slam on the brakes, throw open the front door, sprint up the the stairs, kick open the bedroom door and shout ‘who wants to get laid!’ and she never says a word”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1cjh/two_men_are_talking_at_a_bar/
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A Texan, Indian, and a Canadian walk into a bar

They order a round of shots. The Texan slams back his shot, takes the glass and smashes it against the bar.
"Why did you do that?!" The Canadian asks.
"Well we have so much money in Texas we don't have to drink out of the same glass twice."
Next up is the Indian. He takes a his shot, and smashes his glass against the bar to.
"Well why did you smash your glass?!" The Canadian asks the Indian.
"The Government gives us so much money, we don't have to drink out of the same glass twice either"
So the Canadian slams back his shot, puts the glass on the bar. Pulls out a Gun and shoots the Indian.
"What the hell man?!" Asks the Texan
"Well we have so many Indians in Canada we don't have to drink with the same one twice"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1am9/a_texan_indian_and_a_canadian_walk_into_a_bar/
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This subreddit is like an Adam Sandler movie

Repetitive and not funny at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1afs/this_subreddit_is_like_an_adam_sandler_movie/
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Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved "supreme leader".

Now they are demanding 1 billion or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate whatever you can.
P.S. I ve donated 5 litres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w17ue/terrorists_have_kidnapped_our_beloved_supreme/
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Some construction workers are putting up a building...

The foreman is five stories up on the roof, about to cut some 2 x 4's when he realizes he doesn't have a saw. He shouts down to a worker on the ground.
"Hey!," the foreman yells. "I need a saw!"
The worker shrugs, unable to hear him over the machinery.
So the foreman shouts again, this time pantomiming:
"I"  P*ointing to his eye...* "Need" *He slaps his knee with his hand...* "A Saw!" *He moves his arm back and forth in a sawing motion.*
The worker's eyes light up with recognition. He immediately drops his pants and begins masturbating.
Furious, the foreman makes his way down the scaffolding and storms over to the worker, who's still going to town on himself.
"What the hell is wrong with you" The foreman yells. "I said I needed a saw!"
"I know," said the still-erect worker. "I was about to tell you I'm coming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w17ae/some_construction_workers_are_putting_up_a/
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So I went in for my yearly physical...

The nurse went through the regular motions. Then it came time for me to drop my pants and turn my head and cough. While she's examining me, she exclaims "You really should quit masturbating". I asked her why, and if something was wrong, and she responded "Yes, I'm trying to give you an exam!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w138e/so_i_went_in_for_my_yearly_physical/
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Why is there a brunette walking between two blondes?

To translate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w12qg/why_is_there_a_brunette_walking_between_two/
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A drunk guy walks out of a bar..

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging Out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without Missing a beat, blurts out....
"F*ck Me! My girlfriend's gone, too!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w1289/a_drunk_guy_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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I saw this sign: "Lots for sale."

But there was nothing there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0zno/i_saw_this_sign_lots_for_sale/
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There was once a soldier named Jim.

Jim was extremely close to his Mom, but having enlisted in the army, he didn't get to communicate with her as often. One fateful day, unbeknownst to Jim, his mother died after falling through some stairs. His army buddies found out about it. They initially pondered telling Jim, but ultimately went against the idea  because they figured he might have a breakdown and do something rash. Finally, they opted to leave the burden to their superior officer, a man whom they believed had the tact and the experience necessary for these situations. "Leave this to me!", he assured Jim's buddies.
The next day, he had every soldier line up in the training fields including Jim. "Alright maggots, every one of you who has a living mother, take a step forward!", the officer instructed. Some didn't take a step, but most did. Just as Jim was about to step forward, he heard his commanding officer yell "WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, JIM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0zed/there_was_once_a_soldier_named_jim/
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Wandering through the jungle, a lizard comes across a monkey getting baked

**Lizard** \- Hey Monkey, what's all that smoke up there ? You alright ?
**Monkey** \- Maaaan come up there and taste this shit with me. You gonna have the best time of your life !
*The lizard seems hesitant but climbs up anyway and joins the monkey on the tree and in his smoking session, tasting for the first time. He ends up feeling pretty thirsty from all the weed.*
**Lizard** \- Okay monkey, give me a second i'll be right back-  I'm going to drink a bit at the river
*The lizard, under the heavy sun, slowly walks his way to the river and dips head first in the water, drinking as much as he could, as he loses his grip and starts drowning.*
*Luckily, a crocodile was around and managed to save gim with his nose, up to the river bank.*
**Crocodile** \- What's wrong with you dude ! You were going to drawn there, what went through your head ?
**Lizard** \- Maaan I don't know, that monkey made me smoke some weed, I got all thirsty and all I know I was drowning my ass off in that river
**Crocodile** \- What an irresponsible monkey ! Where is he about so I can give him a piece of my mind ?
**Lizard** \- By the big old tree, couple hundreds meters from here
*The crocodile goes to lecture the monkey and arrive by the big old tree.*
**Crocodile** \- Hey Monkey ! You ! What's wrong with you and your weed ?
**Monkey** \- DUUUUUUUUUDE ! How much water did you fucking drink ???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0ytf/wandering_through_the_jungle_a_lizard_comes/
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The Heart-Shaped Herb has been responsible for granting superhuman powers to every King of Wakanda in the line.

It blessed the reigns down in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0ymu/the_heartshaped_herb_has_been_responsible_for/
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You know about the guy who went to jail for working too long?

He was arrested for resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0y7s/you_know_about_the_guy_who_went_to_jail_for/
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The Brazilian ambassador meets with Donald Trump

, and offers him 50 Brazilian soldiers to help with the fight against terrorism. Trump says, “That’s fantastic!"
Later that day Trump calls his Chief of Staff and tells him about the offer of 50 Brazilian soldiers.
The Chief of Staff says, “That’s fantastic!"
Trump says, “Yes, but remind me again, how many is a ‘Brazilian?’"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0upc/the_brazilian_ambassador_meets_with_donald_trump/
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What does King Arthur call his foreskin?

His Knighthood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0svh/what_does_king_arthur_call_his_foreskin/
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A mime performed at a zoo.

The hours were flexible, and people paid him to act. He figured it was a good gig, so he went along with it. He did it for weeks and weeks, until one day the manager pull him inside. The mime was a bit worried, but he shrugged it off. The manager, looking panicked, said that, recently, the zoo's greatest attraction, the gorilla, has recently died. The mime felt terribly bad, and asked if there was anything he could do to help. The manager thought for a second, and then went into the back room and pulled out a gorilla costume. "Put this on and just act like a gorilla until we can get a new one." He said. So he did. The mime loved the job. He could sleep when he wanted, eat when he wanted, and swing on tires all day. But eventually, the crowd began to get tired of him. The were shifting to the next pen over, the Lion. The mime, in his gorilla suit, thought it would be a great idea to go hang over the lions cage and taunt him. He did, and the Lion got furious. Of course, the crowds loved it, and the mime got a raise. He did that many times, and each time the lion grew more and more furious. Until one tragic day, when the mime slipped and fell. The Lion was chasing him, as the mime was running with his up in the air, yelling "Help! Help! The Lion is chasing me!"  Suddenly the lion pounced and was soon on top of the gorilla-suited mime. The lion leaned and close, and said, "Shut up! You'll get us both fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0qwr/a_mime_performed_at_a_zoo/
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Comedy is in my blood.

I just wish it were also in my jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0qja/comedy_is_in_my_blood/
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My nerd friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.

He is now Dr.Awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0oyc/my_nerd_friend_just_got_a_phd_on_the_history_of/
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Why do you never see catholic bees?

Because all bees are insects!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0oqu/why_do_you_never_see_catholic_bees/
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Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more bean would be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0oqt/why_do_the_irish_only_put_239_beans_in_their_soup/
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There was a football match between Colombia and Jamaica in 1967

It didn't go well, the Colombians sniffed all the white lines and Jamaicans smoked all the grass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0oka/there_was_a_football_match_between_colombia_and/
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My wife must be feeling patriotic today...

... because she just declared her independence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0ohg/my_wife_must_be_feeling_patriotic_today/
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Dad always said that laughter is the best medicine,

which is why several of us died from tuberculosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0myl/dad_always_said_that_laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
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I advise you, don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu, judo, tae kwon do, jujit su...

and other 28 dangerous words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0ldf/i_advise_you_dont_mess_with_me_i_know_karate_kung/
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Justice is a dish best served cold because...

...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0kvk/justice_is_a_dish_best_served_cold_because/
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Paddy's visiting his sick friend Riely one cold Irish night when...

His friend asks him to go upstairs and get his slippers.
Paddy goes upstairs and finds Riely's 19 year old daughters lying naked on their bed.
He says "your Dad sent me up here too have sex with both of you"
"Oh yeah? Prove it" they reply.
So Paddy yells down stairs "both of them"
Riely yells back "of course both of them, what's the point of fucking one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0ktf/paddys_visiting_his_sick_friend_riely_one_cold/
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My dog has terrible breath.

I guess his bark is worse than his bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0jzy/my_dog_has_terrible_breath/
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You can make jokes about anything just not illegals.

That's crossing the border

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0jbi/you_can_make_jokes_about_anything_just_not/
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The answering protocol for the psychiatric hotline.

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No-one will answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0h8h/the_answering_protocol_for_the_psychiatric_hotline/
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I come from a family of scientists who share the surname 'Matter.' We all get along, just like the particles we study.

Except for my Auntie Matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0ewb/i_come_from_a_family_of_scientists_who_share_the/
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What's the difference between my dad and football?

Football's coming home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0dfn/whats_the_difference_between_my_dad_and_football/
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Two men are in a mental hospital

They are in the same room together, bored shitless they pace up and down the room looking for something to do.
Man 1 says "Oh I know! Why don't we play shop keepers! I'll be the shop keeper and you be the customer."
Man 2 says "that's a great idea."
And so man 1 sits down a desk and brings a chair and begins to do his work as a shop owner. The second man walks up to the desk and asks "hey there can I get a little box of matches please."
The first man replies "sorry sir you'll have to wait in line." The second man, confused, looks around the room and makes the assumption of an imaginary line of people in an otherwise empty room. So he paces back to the "end of the line" and after a few minutes awaits the first man at the desk. "Hello good sir can I purchase a box of matches please?"
The shopkeeper replies slightly frustrated,  "look buddy, I told you this before, you're going to have to wait in line like the rest of them." The second man is just thinking "what the fuck, what line!?" And so he goes back to the end of the line and waits 30 minutes before approaching the shopkeeper.
"Hello sir may I buy a box of matches please." The shopkeeper, furious says back "LOOK MATE, I've told you this twice already, wait your turn in the bloody line!!"
The second man cracks it and has had enough, "that's it!" He jumps over the desk and strangled the shopkeeper to death. With all the commotion and noise the nurses run into the room and see the man dead on the floor "what has happened here!?"
The man replies "I don't know there were too many people in the room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0d7z/two_men_are_in_a_mental_hospital/
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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line...

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0cs6/my_neighbor_came_at_me_really_aggressively_asking/
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Peter comes very drunk home late at night...

He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
“No”, she replies sleepily.
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You idiot, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0ch6/peter_comes_very_drunk_home_late_at_night/
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Father: “Son, you were adopted.”...

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w0bs5/father_son_you_were_adopted/
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My girlfriend says I have commitment issues!

Well, technically she's my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w091d/my_girlfriend_says_i_have_commitment_issues/
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I am against protesting,

but I don't know how to show it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w07ah/i_am_against_protesting/
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Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.
The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.
Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower of meat all over the place."
Again the genie clicks his finger and it begins showering small chunks of meat which the second T-Rex begins snatching up.
The third T-Rex, not satisfied, roars
"Make the same as the last one, but make it a MEATIER SHOWER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w05m1/three_trexes_are_walking_when_one_of_them_brushes/
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Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers.

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w04dc/fact_a_lot_of_women_turn_into_good_drivers/
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A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w01iw/a_flight_attendant_sees_a_suspicious_couple_on/
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At a recent job interview I was asked about my background.

I got my phone out and showed him that it was a picture of a dog eating spaghetti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w019s/at_a_recent_job_interview_i_was_asked_about_my/
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My urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away

a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w00zj/my_urge_to_sing_the_lion_sleeps_tonight_is_just_a/
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A magician is driving down the road

Then he turns into a driveway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8w00to/a_magician_is_driving_down_the_road/
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A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

...that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand"
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vztuy/a_guy_falls_in_love_with_a_very_traditional_and/
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I just saw a book on Amazon called "Overcome Procrastination"

I've put it on my wish list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vzrtp/i_just_saw_a_book_on_amazon_called_overcome/
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A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner...

"Okay, I'm looking for a pet, but I'm not sure what I want. But I know I want something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede.
"Really?" says the man "I need it. How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is only $50 dollars. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money, the pet shop owner puts the centipede in a matchbox and the man takes his new pet home.
After getting home, he sets the match box with the centipede in it on his kitchen table, opens it and says, "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"
The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box again and says, "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"
Again, the centipede says nothing. Starting to get suspicious, the man decides he will give it one more hour and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the pet shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says, "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"
The centipede says, "I heard you the first time you asshole! I'm still putting my fucking shoes on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vzjpj/a_man_walks_into_a_pet_shop_and_says_to_the_owner/
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A woman goes to her gynecologist..

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor. The woman says "something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!" The doctor has a look,laughs and says "those arent postage stamps dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vzgy2/a_woman_goes_to_her_gynecologist/
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What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vzfvj/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
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So I’ve seen a lot of booze ads lately

And they all say “please drink Responsibly” or “enjoy Responsibly” or something like that, and I’m just confused.
What kind of drink does Responsibly make that even other brands endorse it in their own ads?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vzfif/so_ive_seen_a_lot_of_booze_ads_lately/
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Two Italians get on a bus:

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vzbb2/two_italians_get_on_a_bus/
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A lot of women are turning into good drivers.

So, if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vz80i/a_lot_of_women_are_turning_into_good_drivers/
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I went to the Reddit restaurant

All of its servers were busy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vz6so/i_went_to_the_reddit_restaurant/
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A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class...

She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"
And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vz54e/a_2nd_grade_teacher_decides_to_teach_sex_ed_to/
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A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vz40h/a_man_in_an_interrogation_room_says_im_not_saying/
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I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vz3tu/i_got_my_kid_a_puppy_as_a_present_but_it_died/
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The Bri ish are coming! The Bri ish are coming!

“Where’s the T?”
“In the harbor!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vz2cp/the_bri_ish_are_coming_the_bri_ish_are_coming/
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What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?

A pilot you fucking racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vz27b/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_who_flies_a_plane/
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What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

“If we don’t get some support people will think we’re nuts”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vz21n/what_did_the_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
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A cannibal vomits after his meal.

You really can't keep a good man down...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vz1s9/a_cannibal_vomits_after_his_meal/
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Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door

bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vz0hw/paddy_rings_his_new_girlfriends_door/
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Cannabis is totally illegal in Saudi Arabia...

but you can still get stoned!
You can even drop acid...
As long as it's on an adulterer's face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vyz1n/cannabis_is_totally_illegal_in_saudi_arabia/
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Circumcision is barbaric and cruel

I didn't speak to my parents for a year after I was circumcised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vyvmw/circumcision_is_barbaric_and_cruel/
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Before I started working out, I used to have a hard time picking up chicks.

Now I can toss them in the back of the van no problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vyueh/before_i_started_working_out_i_used_to_have_a/
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What was Beethoven's favorite fruite?

Banananaaa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vyu8o/what_was_beethovens_favorite_fruite/
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A blonde is walking beside a railway track.

A brunette passes her on the tracks skipping and singing "21, 21, 21..."
The blonde eagerly asks "May I join you?"
The brunette nods, and says, "You may, but only if you can REALLY concentrate."
"I can do that!" exclaims the blonde happily. And so, they both proceed to skip along the middle of the track, singing "21, 21, 21..."
After some time, the brunette hears the whistle of a coming train behind them. So, she steps off the track. However, the blonde is concentrating so deeply on the singing and skipping, she is oblivious to fhe danger behind her. She is struck by the train, and is killed instantly.
Once the train has passed, the brunette steps back onto the track. She resumes skipping down the track, and begins to sing again.
"22, 22, 22..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vynqd/a_blonde_is_walking_beside_a_railway_track/
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[LONG] So I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump

I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vymwi/long_so_i_saw_this_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
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Alien Wife

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vylle/alien_wife/
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NSFW—A boy came home from school excited...

...and find his mom. He tells her that he had sex with his teacher. She shows disgust and goes on a rant on how it’s not appropriate. She says to go to his room and wait for his father to come home.
Two hours later his father comes home, and his mother tells the father about the incident at school. The father stomps upstairs to the boys room and slams the door. He stares at him and drops the facade and becomes excited and asks the boy to tell him all about it. He wanted to know how his first time was.
After the conversation, the father says to the boy that he is grounded and to fake being upset about the situation although his father was super proud. He just didn’t want the mother to know.
The next day, the boy comes home and goes straight to his room due to his grounding. The father comes home a few hours later and goes to the boys room again. The father asks him, “did you get lucky again today?” The boy replied, “no...my ass still hurts from yesterday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vyhoq/nsfwa_boy_came_home_from_school_excited/
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It's stupid when girls say they can't find a guy, yet they ignore me.

It's like saying you're hungry when there's a hotdog on the ground outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vyhl4/its_stupid_when_girls_say_they_cant_find_a_guy/
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My wife is really mad at me because I accidentally handed her washing soda instead of baking soda.

It left her foaming at the mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vygsv/my_wife_is_really_mad_at_me_because_i/
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Everyone who believes the earth is flat

please jump off the edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vyex2/everyone_who_believes_the_earth_is_flat/
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Why did the anti-vaxxers 3 year old son cry?

Mid-life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vydw4/why_did_the_antivaxxers_3_year_old_son_cry/
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What do you call a flatulent homosexual boxer?

Gassius Gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vy93b/what_do_you_call_a_flatulent_homosexual_boxer/
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What did the man say after taking a small french woman to his room after dinner?

Bon a petite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vy6cd/what_did_the_man_say_after_taking_a_small_french/
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Did you hear about the guy who died during a penis transplant?

He will be remembered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vy612/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_died_during_a/
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Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way. You cannoli do so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vy5u0/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_who_died/
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I hate it when people use the word "subdermal" improperly...

Really gets under my skin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vy50w/i_hate_it_when_people_use_the_word_subdermal/
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There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim

When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vy40x/there_was_a_preacher_who_fell_in_the_ocean_and_he/
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I made a website for orphans

It doesn't have a home page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxze3/i_made_a_website_for_orphans/
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Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxz7p/ban_weapons_of_mass_dyslexia/
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A man is asked to go to the store by his wife

She tells him - “buy me a gallon of milk, and if they have avocados, get me 6.”
When man returns from the store, the wife asks him - “why did you get 6 gallons of milk?”
He replies, “they had avocados”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxynx/a_man_is_asked_to_go_to_the_store_by_his_wife/
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I heard a joke yesterday about a broken fence

So i reposted it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxy3j/i_heard_a_joke_yesterday_about_a_broken_fence/
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If Korean pop is kpop, what sort of music does Drake make?

Crap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxxrw/if_korean_pop_is_kpop_what_sort_of_music_does/
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery...

...He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know."
"If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says," I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth".
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound".
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door". The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door".
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxufd/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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What does a trebuchet in a convent and Bruce Lee have in common?

They're both nunchuckers.
Yes lame but it's OC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxrz0/what_does_a_trebuchet_in_a_convent_and_bruce_lee/
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What do you call the southern wife of a hippy?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxqlf/what_do_you_call_the_southern_wife_of_a_hippy/
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Trip to the Zoo

One day Joe's mother turned to Joe's father and said, "It's such a nice day, I think I'll take Joe to the zoo."
"I wouldn't bother," said father.
"If they want him, let them come and get him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxn21/trip_to_the_zoo/
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I'm addicted to seaweed...

... I must seek kelp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxmku/im_addicted_to_seaweed/
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What do you call a potato that wears glasses?

Spuddy Holly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxjy6/what_do_you_call_a_potato_that_wears_glasses/
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I thought I was gay until this afternoon

, when I bought a weed wacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxfem/i_thought_i_was_gay_until_this_afternoon/
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Did you hear about the limo driver...

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?  All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxea2/did_you_hear_about_the_limo_driver/
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My favorite joke of all time: What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

They circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxcr7/my_favorite_joke_of_all_time_what_do_star_trek/
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Harry Potter can't tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best friend

They're both cauldron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxcdh/harry_potter_cant_tell_the_difference_between_a/
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Superman was flying over the city

When he looked down he saw Wonder Woman sunbathing on a roof, naked. As he’s flying, Superman gets this crazy idea. He thinks about it and thinks about it for a bit then decides, “What the hell”. So he flies down, does the deed, and flies back into the sky, all in half a second. When he’s back up in the sky, he’s ecstatic. All he can think is “Holy shit! I just had sex with Wonder Woman and she doesn’t even know it!” So he flies on, happy to not have have been caught.
Meanwhile, back on the roof, Wonder Woman jumps up and asks, “What was that?”
While the Invisible Man said, “I don’t know, but my ass hurts so bad!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vxadi/superman_was_flying_over_the_city/
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TANJOOBERRYMUTTS

By the time you read through this you wil understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vx9p0/tanjooberrymutts/
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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vx7ym/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
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Some species of frog can jump higher than three-story office buildings.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vx70t/some_species_of_frog_can_jump_higher_than/
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Here's a collection of the best/worst dad jokes I know.

"When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down."
"Why are skeletons always so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin."
"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care."
"Why can't T rexes clap their hands? Because they're extinct."
"Why did the girl smear peanut butter over the road? To have something to go along with the traffic jam."
"What do you call a factory that produces okay products? A satisfactory."
"A nurse once said to me: I'm sorry for the wait. I responded: I'm patient."
"Why did the invisible man decline the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it."
"I used to work at a calender factory. They fired me because I took a couple days off."
"A friend once told me: it could be worse, you could be stuck in a hole in the ground filled with water.
I know he means well."
"I disposed of my empty batteries recently. Free of charge."
Feel free to add more...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vx6vw/heres_a_collection_of_the_bestworst_dad_jokes_i/
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When the Titanic sank, many of those people that died in the freezing water probably went to Hell.

And for the first few minutes I bet it felt kind of nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vx1lc/when_the_titanic_sank_many_of_those_people_that/
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Why was the geometry teacher late for work?

Because she took the rhombus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vws2a/why_was_the_geometry_teacher_late_for_work/
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A woman pregnant with triplets is the victim of a shooting.

The doctor tells her, "The good news is you and your children are going to be fine, it's just that the bullets have been lodged in their stomaches. Don't worry, because they will eventually exit their system naturally." The mother had her triplets months later, two girls and a boy.
Years had passed before one of the girls came to her mom and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." The mother explained what had happened to her at the bank.
It wasn't too long before her second daughter told her, "Mom, I was pooping when all of a sudden a bullet came out." Again, the mother explained what had happened, and they all went on with their lives.
Around a month later, her son came up to her and said, "Mom, I've done a terrible thing."
"Let me guess, you pooped out a bullet?"
"No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vwkdg/a_woman_pregnant_with_triplets_is_the_victim_of_a/
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Jesus may have fed five thousand men bread and fish...

But Hitler made six million Jews toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vwjla/jesus_may_have_fed_five_thousand_men_bread_and/
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If you’re trying to meet an attractive nurse

It helps to be patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vwiwh/if_youre_trying_to_meet_an_attractive_nurse/
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Who was the stretchiest man in the bible?

Abraham. He tied his ass to a tree and climbed up the mountain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vwi9h/who_was_the_stretchiest_man_in_the_bible/
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Studies show that men with beards are more likely to cheat...

...than women with beards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vwavb/studies_show_that_men_with_beards_are_more_likely/
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Where did Noah keep the bees?

In the Ark-hives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vw9ro/where_did_noah_keep_the_bees/
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Wayne Gretzky, Wayne Newton, and Wayne Brady are all chasing after you. Which one is going to catch you first?

I don't know, but they are gonna get ya, one Wayne or another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vw5oc/wayne_gretzky_wayne_newton_and_wayne_brady_are/
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It's President's Day and Mrs. Rosewood was giving her students a bonus quiz...

Whoever could identify the president who said the famous quote would not have any homework that night.
"Alright, class. Who said "A house divided against itself cannot stand."?"
Lil' Johnny knew the answer, but wasn't the first to have his hand up. That was Jamal Jefferson.
"Was it Abraham Lincoln?" Asked Jamal. "Very good, Jamal. No homework for you tonight." Jamal beamed, while Lil' Johnny just huffed in annoyance.
"Who said "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country."?"
Lil' Johnny's hand shot up, but not before Pedro Sánchez's.
"That was John F. Kennedy." said Pedro.
"Very good." said Mrs. Rosewood. "No homework for you." At this point Lil' Johnny started to grumble.
"Last one, class. Who said "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."?"
Both of Lil' Johnny's hands were in the air, but Suzie Sterling got chosen.
"That was said by Franklin Roosevelt." She smiled.
"Excellant, Suzie. No homework for you."
Lil' Johnny couldn't take it anymore. "Damnit. I'm sick of these darkies, spicks and broads stealing all my opportunities!"
Mrs. Rosewood was furious. Slamming her fist down she shouted "Who Said That!?"
Lil' Johnny jumped up in his chair. "Donald Trump! WooHoo! No Homework for Me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vw5l4/its_presidents_day_and_mrs_rosewood_was_giving/
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How did the pirate greet the prostitute?

"Yo, hoe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vvx5w/how_did_the_pirate_greet_the_prostitute/
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The only B word you should call a woman is beautiful

Cause bitches love when you call them beautiful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vvtjw/the_only_b_word_you_should_call_a_woman_is/
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A woman with a glass eye

was married to a man with a nasty disposition. The husband would punish her for having dinner late to the table or if the house cleaning wasn't spotless. His punishment was to take her glass eye and lock it in a password protected safe.
One day while the husband was at work, her mother came to visit her. The wife had burned one of his shirts while ironing it the previous day. Her mother asked "What's with the eye patch? Where's your glass eye?". The wife replied "I burned one of his shirts yesterday and he punished me by taking my eye and locking it in the safe.". Her mother said "Why not just open the safe and take your eye back?".
"I would mom, but I don't know the wife eye password"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vvsq5/a_woman_with_a_glass_eye/
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Why doesn’t America tell knock knock jokes?

Because freedom rings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vvsgt/why_doesnt_america_tell_knock_knock_jokes/
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u/Jayhawk_Dunk reminded me a joke my dad told me

John Shit told his dad he wasn't happy about his name and he wanted to change it. His dad didn't accept it right away but well, he was 22 after all, he was an adult. If he wanted, he could not not disagree.
That day he went to the place to change his name.
*Good afternoon sir, what did you come here to do?* - said the lady working at the place
*I came here to change my name* - said John, proud and courageously
*Ok, what is your name?*
*John Shit.*
The woman giggled and responded:
*That is a pretty shitty name.*
*Yea... i hate it since I can remember*
She then continued: *So, what's the name you want to change to?*
He then answered:
*Jack Shit*
Edited to a better name at the end proposed by u/noob_almost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vvrqe/ujayhawk_dunk_reminded_me_a_joke_my_dad_told_me/
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How does Neymar laugh?

ROFL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vvlem/how_does_neymar_laugh/
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Emergency landing . . .

At 8PM one night, a pilot who had run out of fuel made an emergency landing at a top-secret government base. He was quickly surrounded by security and taken inside to be interrogated. The interrogation was grueling because the interrogators wanted to make sure it was an unplanned landing and that the pilot was not a spy.
The interrogation lasted all night. At 6AM the next morning, they refueled his plane and let him go with his promise never to return. Four hours later, he returned and landed again. Security brisly met him on the runway. They asked him why he had come back.
“I know I promised never to return, but I brought my wife this time and now you have to tell her where I was all night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vvjqe/emergency_landing/
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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vvfvj/what_do_you_call_two_mexicans_playing_basketball/
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What's the difference between Mexicans and Jesus?

Jesus didn't have tattoos of Mexicans all over *him*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vv8zo/whats_the_difference_between_mexicans_and_jesus/
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How do you call a bunch of strawberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vv4tr/how_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_strawberries_playing/
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The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP Scratches PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vv3ex/the_pastors_ass/
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I just sent a nude photo to everyone in my address book. I sure won't make that mistake again!

It cost a fortune in stamps!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vv1tt/i_just_sent_a_nude_photo_to_everyone_in_my/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an Itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vv0lt/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."
The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vuw6x/give_me_twenty_shots_of_your_best_singlemalt/
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Family of three were watching TV on evening.

The young son was sitting on the floor in front of the TV, fiddling with a yogurt packet. He couldn't get the lid off.
"Stupid fucking yogurt,"  the son muttered while he was struggling with the yogurt lid.
The mother was appalled, knowing that her husband too has a horrible mouth.  She turned to her husband and said with disgust, "I wonder where he got *that* from???"
"He got the yogurt from the fridge you stupid fucking bitch," said the husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vuu4d/family_of_three_were_watching_tv_on_evening/
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Did I ever tell you about my friend who bought experimental AI shoes?

He always stayed out late drinking and partying and most mornings he woke up god knows where, no wallet or phone, completely lost and stranded.
One day he met a man at a bar, they got talking and the man told him about these new shoes his company was developing; no matter how out of it you were the shoes could always take you home - even if you couldn’t move you would always end up outside your front door the next morning.
So my friend, taking a liking to what he heard, agreed to test out these new shoes. He put them on the first night he got them and, as always, he went out and got completely blitzed.
But, just as the man had said, he woke up the next morning lying in the bushes outside his home - for the first time in over a year after he had been out partying. He was so impressed that he took the next week off work and went partying every day, each morning awaking outside his home safe and sound.
This continued for months until, unfortunately for my friend, the shoes began to get bored. They wanted to see the world, not just the damp dance floors of run down clubs.
So, one day, the shoes decided to go and live their dream. Once my friend had passed out, they did not take him home but instead decided to go out and do their own thing.
Long story short my friend ended up in Burma.
This continued and every night he went out my friend never seemed to wake up outside his house. Eventually he had had enough, and he threw the shoes out wanting nothing to do with them.
But, being intelligent, the shoes began to feel lonely and kept trying to get my friend to use them again. Every night they would bang on his front door, willing him to take them back - but this only made him angrier.
Finally my friend had had enough; he locked the shoes in the only place he could think of - his car. But, as he always left a spare car key under the rug ( conveniently) the shoes managed to start the car and began to drive off.
But, as they were only shoes, they were unable to steer so drove right into a canal that was opposite the house.
My friend was devastated, believing he had killed the shoes. He was so torn he even went to a priest about it. The priest managed to comfort him by assuring him that the shoes had gone to heaven.
Because as it turns out, shoes have soles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vuong/did_i_ever_tell_you_about_my_friend_who_bought/
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You ever smelled moth balls before?

Creep. How did you pry it's little legs apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vugh7/you_ever_smelled_moth_balls_before/
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What’s Thanos’s favorite video game?

Half life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vug75/whats_thanoss_favorite_video_game/
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a dung beetle walks into a bar

and says to the bartender "is this stool taken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vudv3/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a baptized Mexican?

Bean Dip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vuc9r/what_do_you_call_a_baptized_mexican/
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This big Texan guy went up on stage and said "Can I get an 'owdy partner?"

I thought what a bloody cheek. Most of us can't even afford a round of drinks and this guy shows up outta nowhere and wants a free car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vu5tv/this_big_texan_guy_went_up_on_stage_and_said_can/
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A young woman who was several months pregnant ...

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus.  When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then once again on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on him. In the court the man's defense was:-
"When the lady boarded the bus i couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read "Coming Soon- The unknown boon"..
I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement, which read:- "William's stick did the trick"..
Then I could not control myself any longer, when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:- "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident"..
The case was dismissed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vu0xg/a_young_woman_who_was_several_months_pregnant/
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Religion is a lot like sex

You really should not force it on children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vtvq1/religion_is_a_lot_like_sex/
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin...

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vtui1/a_large_woman_wearing_a_sleeveless_sun_dress/
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Two hunters are out in the woods

When one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vtt9f/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods/
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The first time I played football was alot like when I lost my virginity...

I was bruised and bloody but at least my Dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vtr2r/the_first_time_i_played_football_was_alot_like/
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What was the US subprime mortgage afraid of?

Dying a loan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vtnrd/what_was_the_us_subprime_mortgage_afraid_of/
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I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vtnky/im_kinda_scrawny_so_i_had_to_quit_my_job_as_a/
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A aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump

"Sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this. He slumps back in his chair, saying OMG over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vtj54/a_aide_comes_into_the_oval_office_and_says_to/
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Last night at the gym a guy proposed and she said no.

It didn't workout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vtfgz/last_night_at_the_gym_a_guy_proposed_and_she_said/
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A mother is scolding her son

\- Your teacher called me today. He told me you said the c word in class. Is that true?
\- Yes, mom.
\- That wasn't clever now, was it?
\- Nah mom, it was cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vt9ar/a_mother_is_scolding_her_son/
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A dog is being interviewed to join MI6

The agent in charge of the process is irritated by this, but he is relieved that the agency provides a set of guidelines that dictates whether or not a candidate passes. So the agent takes the dog for the first test.
“Your first task is to type at 60 words a minute.”
To the agents surprise, the dog manages to type at 80 words a minute and gives the agen a big smile. Slightly irritated, the agent shrugs it off.
“Your next task is to complete the obstacle course in under three minutes.”
The dog manages to complete the obstacle course in 1 and a half Minutes and gives the agent a big smile. The agent, now quite irritated, looks at the next task. What he sees there makes him smile. He turns to the dog.
“The final test is that you must be bilingual,” he says with a smirk.
The dog looks up at him with a big smile, opens his mouth, and says “miaow”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vt7ov/a_dog_is_being_interviewed_to_join_mi6/
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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothesline.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vsxio/my_neighbor_came_at_me_really_aggressively_asking/
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A man moves into a nudist colony

Once he got to his new location, he received a letter from his mother asking him to send a picture of himself in his new location. Embarrassed about moving into a nudist colony, the man decides to take a picture of himself and cut it in half to send to his mother. After he sends the picture to his mother, he realizes he has sent the wrong half. He knows his mother has poor eyesight and hopes that she does not see it very well. When he gets a return letter, the letter read "Son, change your hairstyle, it makes your nose look short."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vsuqu/a_man_moves_into_a_nudist_colony/
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Why is Donald Trump so good at the racetrack?

He’s a stable genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vsufl/why_is_donald_trump_so_good_at_the_racetrack/
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I bet the first guy who got constipated...

... got scared shitless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vsq8j/i_bet_the_first_guy_who_got_constipated/
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300 lb man decides to lose weight one day.

A 300 lb man decides he is tired of being so fat and wants to lose weight. So he gets on the Internet and finds a program that claims you can lose 10lbs in 2 weeks or your money back.
So he orders the program, and the very next day there is a knock on his door. He opens it up and there is a beautiful women standing there wearing lingerie. She hands him a card and starts running.
He reads the card and it says...
“Hi there, I am your personal trainer. If you can catch me you can do whatever you want to me for the remainder of the two weeks”
He drops the card and start chasing her. Two weeks go by and he does not even come close to catching her. But he is happy that he lost 10 lbs. Being pleased with this he signs up for another program, which is to lose 20lbs in two weeks.
Same as last time. There is a knock on the door and a beautiful women is there, but his time she is completely naked. She hands him the card and takes off. He reads it and it the same terms as last time. So he chases after her for the next two weeks, but once again fails at catching her.
But once more he is please that he lost 20lbs and decides to sign up for the lose 50lbs in two week program.
The very next day there is a knock at the door. He opens it, and there stands Richard Simmons who hands him a card. He looks at the card and it reads...” if I catch you, you are mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vsq64/300_lb_man_decides_to_lose_weight_one_day/
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Sorry, but I want no part in this food fight.

I’ve still got a chip on my shoulder after the last one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vslwh/sorry_but_i_want_no_part_in_this_food_fight/
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One man, one job

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.
Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had wet its diapers and you said, "Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here." That's when I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
*Moral*: Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vsjhx/one_man_one_job/
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The talking clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup", replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vsj5k/the_talking_clock/
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Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

“Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vsj19/yesterday_my_wife_told_me_she_has_breast_cancer/
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My favorite joke my dad’s told me to date

Two men, were interviewing for a management-level position at a prestigious company, and had made it to the final phase of the process. They were going to be interviewed by the CEO to see who was best for the job.
One of the men was a Harvard grad who had a degree in economics and a history of white collar jobs. The other was a blue-collar man who’d worked the factory floor and knew what it was like to do all of the labor he would be managing.
The CEO had a very difficult choice. In order to decide he told the two men to each write a poem. The two conditions were that they had to write it in thirty seconds, and they had to use the word “Timbuktu”.
Thinking that he could beat any stupid cowboy, the Harvard grad went first. After thinking for about a minute, he came up with the following:
“Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”
The CEO was fairly pleased, and doubted the cowboy could top that, but he gave him a shot regardless. As his time passed, the cowboy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vsiwl/my_favorite_joke_my_dads_told_me_to_date/
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Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vsfxx/maria_a_devout_catholic_got_married_and_had_15/
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Yesterday I met a woman...

Yesterday I met a woman who had twelve breasts.
Sounds really weird, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vscz3/yesterday_i_met_a_woman/
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Wife : You stopped loving me after we got married...

Husband :I told you before marriage that I have no interest in married women....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vs9ui/wife_you_stopped_loving_me_after_we_got_married/
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I hear voices telling me to do things I don't want to do

"Take out the trash"
"Do the dishes"
"Clean the litter box"
Why did I get married?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vs4no/i_hear_voices_telling_me_to_do_things_i_dont_want/
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A rabbit in his 50s could not get it up anymore,

and since he had a reputation to uphold, he decided to start taking Viagra.   The solution worked perfectly for years, until one day they gave him a fatal heart attack.
I guess old rabbits die hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vs36j/a_rabbit_in_his_50s_could_not_get_it_up_anymore/
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They say you are what you eat.

But when I kill and eat and innocent man, I am guilty of murder and cannibalism?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vrzv0/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vrs0o/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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Why was the Anti-vaxxer's baby crying?

Because he wasn't going to live long enough to see this joke reposted again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vrr6w/why_was_the_antivaxxers_baby_crying/
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A student receives a bad grade on his exam

And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.
He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"
The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".
The student comes home, and his mother asks him "so how did the exam go?". He replies: "the teacher thought it was remarkable!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vrpob/a_student_receives_a_bad_grade_on_his_exam/
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A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you..
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vrp1y/a_husband_takes_his_wife_to_play_her_first_game/
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An older gentleman bought a brand new Corvette Stingray and drove it off the lot

He then immediately went to the nearest highway. He decided he was just going to see what it could do.
He gets going up to 80 mph, then 90, then up to 100. He is getting excited when he sees a state trooper behind him, he then just panics and puts his foot to the floor, accelerating himself up to 150 mph.
He quickly comes to his senses and says “I’m too old for this” and just pulls over.
The officer come up to the car and says “sir, it’s Friday and I have 30 minutes left on my shift, if you can come up with an excuse I’ve never heard before I will just let you go.”
The man thought for a moment before stating “My ex wife ran away with a state trooper many years ago, I saw you in my rear view and thought you were trying to bring her back to me.”  The state trooper looked at him and said “have a nice day and slow down.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vrnzq/an_older_gentleman_bought_a_brand_new_corvette/
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Officer: Sir it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck

Man: Yeah, but she's got a great personality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vrj0j/officer_sir_it_looks_like_your_girlfriend_has/
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A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vrizz/a_young_mexican_man_named_jose_was_curious_about/
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Old man and a prostitute

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past.
She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"
The old man said, "but I won't be able to..."
Prostitute: "c'mon man.... give it a try... "
Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.
When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to...."
"...pay you" replied the old man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vrgn5/old_man_and_a_prostitute/
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A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vre12/a_mormon_and_an_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
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All the girls I date are unemployed, drunk, and are on drugs.

I’m starting to think this whole “opposites attract” thing is bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vrbln/all_the_girls_i_date_are_unemployed_drunk_and_are/
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Donald Trump and Barack Obama’s ended up at the same barber

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vraaq/donald_trump_and_barack_obamas_ended_up_at_the/
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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love...

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time, before I die."
She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point, the wife sits up and screams, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning...YOU DON’T!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vr6wx/a_man_returns_from_the_doctor_and_tells_his_wife/
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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other...

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doc says, "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." "That's very clever" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist." "Wow, how did you guess?" "I didn't feel a thing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vr6a9/at_a_medical_convention_a_male_doctor_and_a/
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Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?

So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vr69w/why_does_norway_have_barcodes_on_their_battleships/
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My therapist

my therapist told me to " write letters to the people you hate and burn them."
Did that , but now i don't know what to do with the letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vr5d1/my_therapist/
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Husband: Darling, I bet you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time

Wife: What?
Husband: Im saying I bet you can't say something that will make me feel both happy and sad at the same time.
Wife after thinking for a second:
Well you have the largest penis among all your friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vr54f/husband_darling_i_bet_you_cant_say_something_that/
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I Used to work in a pathology lab...

I was forced to leave when one of my reports said "Cause of Death: Autopsy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vr302/i_used_to_work_in_a_pathology_lab/
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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f\*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vr10l/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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Distinction

I was out walking with my four-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away and asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been lying outside, you don't know where it’s been, and it’s dirty and probably has germs,” I replied.
My daughter looked at me with total admiration and said, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”
I thought quickly. “Uh . . . all moms know this stuff. It’s on the mommy test. You have to know it or they don’t let you be a mommy.” We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
“Oh, I get it!” she said. “So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the daddy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vr06a/distinction/
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Shakespeare was at the store looking for pencils, but he couldn’t decide which ones to buy.

2B or not 2B; that was the question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vqyz9/shakespeare_was_at_the_store_looking_for_pencils/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vqu4m/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vqpp8/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
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A long time ago in a faraway kingdom the queen was a huge slut.

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.
The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.
"Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole.
"SNAP!", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! "Anything that enters the hole will be sliced off, sire", said the magistrate.
Thoroughly impressed, the King instructed the Queen to wear it for the entire year and left for his expedition. Upon his return, the King called for a meeting of all his country folk.
They were all instructed to drop their pants, and the King made his rounds noticing that many were missing fingers as well as their most vital part. Then, he saw the quiet knight Sir Xavier, fingers and all still intact.
"Xavier, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But alas, Sir Xavier was speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vqpf5/a_long_time_ago_in_a_faraway_kingdom_the_queen/
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A man goes into a restaurant

The man is having a bowl of soup.
He says to the waiter: 'Come and taste this soup.'
Waiter:'Is there something wrong with the soup?'
Man:'Just taste the soup.'
Waiter:'Is there something wrong with the soup, is it too hot?'
Man:'Just taste the soup.'
Waiter:'Is there something wrong with the soup, is it too cold?'
Man:'Will you just taste the soup!'
Waiter:'Alright I will taste the soup! Where is the spoon?!'
Man:'Ahaaa, Ahaaa!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vqlya/a_man_goes_into_a_restaurant/
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What kind of sandals does a person with 2 left feet wear?

Flop flops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vql4d/what_kind_of_sandals_does_a_person_with_2_left/
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A father is walking with his son...

... and saw two dogs mating.
'Daddy, what are those two dogs doing?' he asked.
Not wanting to spoil his innocence, the dad replied,
"The dog on top is tired so the one of the bottom is carrying him home."
The son looks back at the dogs and says "psshh... typical!”
The dad asked him, “ What's typical?
"You just try to help someone out and they fuck you every time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vqho5/a_father_is_walking_with_his_son/
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The tagline of World Health Organization

WHO cares!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vqflf/the_tagline_of_world_health_organization/
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A man is talking to a sperm bank employee.

Man: "Thank you for that glass of milk earlier."
Sperm bank employee: "What glass of milk?"
Man: "The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk."
Sperm bank employee: "Oh my god."
Man: "What?"
Sperm bank employee: "You drank my glass of milk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vqczf/a_man_is_talking_to_a_sperm_bank_employee/
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The things flat earthers fear..

Is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vq9n3/the_things_flat_earthers_fear/
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My grandpa died last year

when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him..
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive", but it's hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vq95a/my_grandpa_died_last_year/
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what is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

one of them stops trying to fuck you when you die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vq4tq/what_is_the_difference_between_a_lawyer_and_a/
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Following England in the world cup...

Every time England play I try to get in the spirit so when they played Tunisia I had a kebab, when they played Panama I treated myself to a cigar, when they played Belgium I pulled out the chocolates, can’t fucking wait for this Colombia game!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vpwxq/following_england_in_the_world_cup/
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There were three men who were lost in the forest...

...They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vpvxk/there_were_three_men_who_were_lost_in_the_forest/
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PMS jokes aren't funny

Period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vpuwu/pms_jokes_arent_funny/
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Signs of aging, from a lady

After finishing a meeting I left the hotel and headed to the parking lot. After failing to find my car keys in my handbag and pockets, I started to panic. I headed back to the conference room and still couldn't find the keys.
I suddenly realized that I must have left them in the car. This has been a topic of several debates at home, where my husband always lectures me for leaving the keys in the ignition.
Personally, I think leaving it there is not only convenient but also a great way to avoid misplacing them at home.
But my husband's theory is that this "strategy" makes it easier for the car to get stolen.
My worst fears were realized when I rushed to the parking lot and couldn't find my car. It had been stolen and...my husband was right.
So I immediately called the police and gave them my location, a description of the car, where I parked and so on. I also confessed that I left my keys in the ignition and that was probably how the car got stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all...the one to my husband.
"Honey..." I stammered; I always call him 'honey' in times like these. "I left my keys in the car....and it has been stolen."
There was a long pause on his end. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice, "How could you lose the car? I drove you to the hotel!"
I didn't think my embarrassment could escalate but it did. But I also felt a sense of relief rush through me...thank goodness. I then replied, "In that case, do you mind picking me up?"
Surprisingly, my husband's reply didn't contain that 'I told you so' tone. Instead, it was filled with only frustration and I realized why soon after.
He replied, "I will as soon as I can convince the police that I haven't stolen your car!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vput7/signs_of_aging_from_a_lady/
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3 Men are stranded on a desert island.

They begin to lose hope when they happen upon a magic lamp. They give it a quick rub and to their joy a genie appears.
The genie can offer 3 wishes, and grants each of the men a single wish each.
The first man: "I wish to be off this island and back home with my wife and kids, I miss them dearly and just want to be with them."
The genie grants the man's wish and in a puff of smoke he disappears.
The second man: "I too wish to be off this island and back home with my parents and siblings. I just want to see my family again."
The genie grants the man's wish and in a puff of smoke he disappears.
The third man: "Well I don't have a wife of kids, or a family to return to. So I wish for my two mates to be back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vpusn/3_men_are_stranded_on_a_desert_island/
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What is the difference between like, love and obsession?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vpsy9/what_is_the_difference_between_like_love_and/
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Three Chinese brothers

Bu, Chu and Fu came to America to live their American dream.
Bu changed his name to Buck, went into banking and became very rich.
Chu changed his name to Chuck, got a car dealership and also became rich.
Fu decided to go back to China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vpsba/three_chinese_brothers/
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A boy and his father were going to town with his donkey...

A boy and his father were going to town with their donkey. Some people remarked “what a shame that little boy is riding the donkey when he has energy, and making the poor old man walk”. The old man and his son agreed to switch places. Then others remarked “look at that grown man on a donkey making a poor little boy who can’t work walk”. So then they decided the both walk. Then some said “look at that man and his son walking when they have a perfectly good donkey to ride”. So they both decided to both ride the donkey. Then others shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. They both agreed to carry the donkey instead, then while crossing a bridge they dropped the donkey into the river and it drowned. The moral of the story is if you try to please everyone then you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vpqah/a_boy_and_his_father_were_going_to_town_with_his/
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An Irishman walked into a bar and ordered 3 beers

. The Bartender happily gave the his drinks while the Irishman sat down and took one sip out of each glass at a time.
When the Irishman got up to leave the Bartender asked why he drank those 3 beers in such a way. The Irishman replied by saying, “ Back in my hometown My 2 brothers and I always went to the same bar together and drank together every Friday evening, so when we all went our separate ways we all promised each other that we would drink this way to honor each other every time we went to a bar. As we were all very close i drink like this.”
The Irishman becomes a regular at this bar ordering 3 Beers and sipping out of one glass at at time. One Friday evening the Irishman ordered only 2 Beers. All of the regulars at that bar noticed this and while the man took one sip out of each glass at a time. The Bartender Seeing this says, “ I’m sorry for your loss of your brother.” The Irishman gives a confused look and tells him, “ You must be mistaken, my wife recently turned to Christianity so i must cut down on my drinking. However my 2 brothers are alive, well, and drink just the same.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vpofc/an_irishman_walked_into_a_bar_and_ordered_3_beers/
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Three teens are granted a wish each..

Nothing special happens, they all just wish you'd leave them alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vpnzx/three_teens_are_granted_a_wish_each/
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What's the holiest chord?

G sus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vpb3m/whats_the_holiest_chord/
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What do u call 11 divers and a net?

A soccer team.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vp8hq/what_do_u_call_11_divers_and_a_net/
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I bought my friend a coupon for an anal bleach.

Some assholes just need to lighten up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8voyyl/i_bought_my_friend_a_coupon_for_an_anal_bleach/
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This sub is overdoing it with the flat earther jokes...

... you're pushing them over the edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vowps/this_sub_is_overdoing_it_with_the_flat_earther/
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How do dogs know that their owner is calling them?

Collar ID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8votz5/how_do_dogs_know_that_their_owner_is_calling_them/
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Someone stole hundreds of cans of Red Bull from our local store.

I don’t know how they can sleep at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8voo97/someone_stole_hundreds_of_cans_of_red_bull_from/
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A drunk man wanders into a bar...

One day, a drunk man went into a bar. When the bartender asked the drunk what he wanted, the man just said, "I'm Jesus Christ!" The bartender said, "No, you're not, now what do you want to drink?" So the drunk just ordered a beer.
After being kicked out of the bar for destruction of property, the drunk man stumbles down the street and walks into a priest. "What are you doing!?" the priest exclaimed. "I'm Jesus Christ!" the drunk said. "No, you're not!" the priest told him. "I'll prove it!" the drunk said. "Follow me."
The drunk lead the man back to the bar. "Now watch this." the drunk said. He walked into the bar, and the bartender yelled "Jesus Christ you're back!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vonf2/a_drunk_man_wanders_into_a_bar/
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The US Government spent $365,000 to test the effect of cocaine on quails’ sex drive...

The study has been met with fierce criticism by guinea pigs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vokf0/the_us_government_spent_365000_to_test_the_effect/
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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.
"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."
"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."
"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.
"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"
"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."
"Yes, yes I do have a house!"
"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."
"Yes, yes I do have a family!"
"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."
"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.
"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.
"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.
"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vojb7/two_texas_farmers_jim_and_bob_are_sitting_in_a/
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Why is the 24th State so depressed?

It’s a constant state of Missouri

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8voetr/why_is_the_24th_state_so_depressed/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in 5th grade. Which one is hotter?

The blonde..because she’s 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8voc7g/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_in_5th/
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I was talking to my friend the other day

He wants to be an electrician but wasn’t sure if he was smart enough.
I told him “you con-du-it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8voa1m/i_was_talking_to_my_friend_the_other_day/
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What did the Victorian wife say to her Victorian husband during that time of the month?

I don’t know; I don’t make period jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vo96a/what_did_the_victorian_wife_say_to_her_victorian/
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When Louis Armstrong was a child, he was colorblind, a doctor asked him if he wanted to do this experimental surgery to allow him to see colors. After the procedure, they ask him what does he see, he tells them...

I see trees of green, and red roses too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vo198/when_louis_armstrong_was_a_child_he_was/
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Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school

She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vnrrn/josey_wasnt_the_best_pupil_at_sunday_school/
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Did you hear about the soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

He's a seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vnre9/did_you_hear_about_the_soldier_who_survived/
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Did you hear about the acting role Nicolas Cage turned down?

Neither has he

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vnq4u/did_you_hear_about_the_acting_role_nicolas_cage/
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What do you call a group of racists birds?

The Coo Clucks Clan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vnm4n/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_racists_birds/
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A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.

They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says “I think we need to split up”
The husband replies “That’s a great idea we can cover more ground that way”
(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vnkmz/a_wife_is_getting_fed_up_with_her_husband_always/
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Two Canadians are at a bar

And they're quite bored, so they decide to play 20 questions.
The first guy thinks for a while and comes up with "moose cock".
"Alright I've got one. What's your first question?"
The second guy says,"Is it something good to eat?"
He thinks for a moment, chuckles, and says, "yes, I guess you could eat it."
"Is it a moose cock?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vndlv/two_canadians_are_at_a_bar/
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Why do mice have such small balls?

Because not many of them know how to dance...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vncx0/why_do_mice_have_such_small_balls/
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A man dies and goes to Heaven, but St. Peter gives him an interesting choice.

St. Peter says, "You've earned your place here, but you're by no means a boring man - you may prefer Hell instead. Go ahead and check it out, then come back with your permanent decision."
The man hops on an elevator and goes downward rapidly for an hour. The elevator opens up to a bigger, more dazzling Las Vegas. Two lovely naked women immediately bring him a glass of rum and a lit cigar. The man looks around, excited but confused.
The Devil approaches him and says, "Welcome to Hell! Don't believe the stories upstairs, we all have a great time here. And no hangovers, either!"
The man spends the entire day in luxury, everything handed to him by smiling, gorgeous ladies. Finally, he heads back up the elevator to Heaven.
"St. Peter, I gotta say Heaven sounds nice but maybe a bit too quiet. I lived a good, short life - I think I'd like to party it up in Hell." St. Peter nods and waves goodbye as the man descends back down the elevator shaft.
As he opens the door, he hears tortured screams and crying. Corpses bring him reminders of his dead loved ones and fire extends out to the horizon, instantly making the man sweat.
"What's going on here? Where are all the women and drinks and games?"
The Devil places a red hot hand on the man's shoulder and with a smile says, "Why my friend, that was just visiting weekend!"
-----------
My med school dean told this joke on our "preview day" for accepted students. The nervous laughter in the auditorium was beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vncj6/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_but_st_peter_gives/
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Told my dad that 12 boys from a junior football team are lost in a flooded cave in Thailand.

Dad: They should call a priest.
Me: Dad! They could still be alive.
Dad: Yes I believe that they are still alive as well, just toss a priest in the cave and he'll find those boys real quick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vnchs/told_my_dad_that_12_boys_from_a_junior_football/
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I am like a woodwind instrument.

Blow me and I'll sing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vn11n/i_am_like_a_woodwind_instrument/
%
What’s a bank robbing dogs favorite weapon?

A pawed-off shotgun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vmpqy/whats_a_bank_robbing_dogs_favorite_weapon/
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What do you call a priest who is also a lawyer?

A father in law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vmn9e/what_do_you_call_a_priest_who_is_also_a_lawyer/
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Does only being able to recycle number 1 and 2 plastics upset anyone else?

I just moved to a new city and they don’t recycle anything above a 2. Is it like this in a lot of places? I hope I can find somewhere to drop off my other plastics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vmn69/does_only_being_able_to_recycle_number_1_and_2/
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A postman delivers the same things every day.

The man who owns the house walks out and talks to the postman one day.
Man: Why do you deliver the same items everyday?
Postman: because you subscribed to r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vmlcl/a_postman_delivers_the_same_things_every_day/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vmjui/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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Why did the jar of weak acid go to the gym.

To become a buffer solution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vmi7m/why_did_the_jar_of_weak_acid_go_to_the_gym/
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A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vmdys/a_bus_full_of_ugly_people_had_a_head_on_collision/
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The Price Difference Between An Average Telescope And A Professional One

is Astronomical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vmdxz/the_price_difference_between_an_average_telescope/
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I was trying to think of what the universe was like before the big bang.

Nothing came to mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vmcap/i_was_trying_to_think_of_what_the_universe_was/
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Olive Garden really does treat you like family...

My waiter left to go buy a pack cigarettes, and he still hasn't come back yet. 😢

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vmc1e/olive_garden_really_does_treat_you_like_family/
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Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vmbhp/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blowjob_from_a_guy/
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What do you call an invisible Mom with a penis?

Transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vm8nq/what_do_you_call_an_invisible_mom_with_a_penis/
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What's the difference between Merlin the Magician and the Rockettes?

One has a cunning array of stunts.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vm68m/whats_the_difference_between_merlin_the_magician/
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How many ska musicians does it take drop a dubstep beat?

Nobody knows because they always PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vm2xl/how_many_ska_musicians_does_it_take_drop_a/
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A man goes to a tattoo shop

and he says to the artist: "I'd like you to tattoo a Ferrari on my dick!"
The tattoo artist is bewildered by this strange request, but he likes the idea and even comes up with another idea: he asks the man to bring his wife to the tattoo shop, and the artist will tattoo a garage on her butt, so every time they have sex it looks like he's parking his Ferrari.
The man thinks this is great idea, but there is one problem. He doesn't have a wife, he's gay.
Well that's not a problem, says the tattoo artist, I'll tattoo a tractor on his balls.
A tractor on his balls? Asks the man.
Yeah, so every time your Ferrari is stuck in the shit, he can pull you out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vlw1h/a_man_goes_to_a_tattoo_shop/
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My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday...

But I don’t think they understood when I said I wanna watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vluzi/my_lesbian_neighbors_got_me_a_rolex_for_my/
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There are only 10 types of people in this world

Those who know the binary system and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vlu26/there_are_only_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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You Only Get One Wish

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish."
The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy."
The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vlrwb/you_only_get_one_wish/
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A young man has just collected enough money to buy a new vintage motorcycle.

A young man has just collected enough money to buy a new vintage motorcycle, you know, a classic Harley-Davidson, that despite being cheap because it was kind of old, was in a very good condition. So, the young man asks the seller:
\- I'm sorry man, but how have you kept this bike in such good condition?
\- Oh, I've not done much my man. Here, take this vaseline jar and apply some vaseline to every part of the bike whenever it rains and you'll be fine.
So the boy leaves and meets his girlfriend. They had planned a dinner at her parents house for the first time, therefore he just couldn't decline. He drives them to her parents house but just before entering, the girlfriend says to her boyfriend:
\- You know, honey, my family is a little weird. For example, when we are eating, nobody ever talks. If they do talk, there's a punishment, which is washing the dishes.
They boyfriend then opens the door, they enter inside, introduces himself to the parents and to his surprise, he sees a pile of dishes pretty much everywhere. Despite that, they proceed to the dinner, and while having it, no one says even a single word. Then he thinks:
\- I can't man, having dinner without conversation is strange, I have to do something about this.
So he starts kissing his girlfriend in front of her parents but he can't get a word out of their mouth. Surprised, he puts her on the table, undresses her and has sex with her. The father, although very angry, doesn't react and neither does her mother. The boyfriend then thinks, well, I have to do something more drastic. He sees her mother, you know, a nice lady in her 40s, he grabs and puts her on the table, undresses her and has sex with her. The father, despite being very annoyed, doesn't say a single word. The boyfriend is seemingly very disappointed. Suddenly, he hears thunders from outside and it starts raining. He remembers what the seller told him about the motorcycle, takes the jar of vaseline out of his pocket and then the father says:
\- No, no, I'll wash the dishes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vlqxu/a_young_man_has_just_collected_enough_money_to/
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Sometime in the Middle Ages

Queen: come to bed
King: not until i have a name for my soldiers
Queen: k night
King: babe ur a genius
_______________________________
(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vlpin/sometime_in_the_middle_ages/
%
Feeling alone? Feeling unwanted, like no one gives a hoot?

Do what I did... don't file your tax returns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vlmvn/feeling_alone_feeling_unwanted_like_no_one_gives/
%
Indians Robbing a Bank

An Indian man tries to rob a bank. He walks out of the bank with no money. The getaway driver asks him “Where’s the money? And why do you have so many computers?” The bank robber replies “They thougth I was tech support.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vlkf4/indians_robbing_a_bank/
%
A father and son walk in the park

A father is walking with his son through a park and they see two dogs mating. The son asks the father what they're doing.
"They're making puppies", he replies.
Later that night the son hears something in his parents room and goes to investigate.
He walks in on his parents having sex, and immediately asks, "Father, what are you doing?"
After a seconds hesitation the father responds, "we're making a baby"
To which the son says, "Turn her over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vljgy/a_father_and_son_walk_in_the_park/
%
I'd tell you a joke about my favorite hat

But I can't remember it off the top of my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vlilm/id_tell_you_a_joke_about_my_favorite_hat/
%
The GOP will never impeach Trump...

They believe in carrying babies to full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vl9aa/the_gop_will_never_impeach_trump/
%
Do you ever feel like eating something because it's there?

Today I got fired from my job as a gynaecologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vl6jt/do_you_ever_feel_like_eating_something_because/
%
I heard you like reposts, so here's one from 114 years ago.

**TOWN AND COUNTRY**
The young woman who was boarding at the farmhouse expressed to the farmer her anxiety at the savage way in which the cow regarded her.
“It must be on account of that red blouse you’ve got on, miss,” answered the farmer.
“Dear me!” exclaimed the girl. “Of course, it’s out of fashion; but I had no idea a country cow would notice it.”
(From the London Journal, July 2nd, 1904)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vl3c7/i_heard_you_like_reposts_so_heres_one_from_114/
%
Adam is in the Garden of Eden...

Adam is in the Garden of Eden when he finds himself quite lonely.
He calls upon God, and asks him "Lord almighty, may you find me company here?"
God, in his infinite kindness, responds "Of course my child, I shall create a being to accompany you. The being will be beautiful, intelligent, caring, calm, and loving. The being shall satisfy you in every way and you two shall find love and be truly happy with one another.
Ecstatic, Adam says "Thank you Lord! What will it cost me?"
God replies "Your left arm and leg."
Adam ponders for a minute and replies- "What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vkzsc/adam_is_in_the_garden_of_eden/
%
So I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump

I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vkzag/so_i_saw_this_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
%
Just another classic irish joke!

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’
He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’
Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’
Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!’
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin’ me!’
Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vkywf/just_another_classic_irish_joke/
%
A guy walks into the bathroom at a bar

He sees a tiny man standing on a stool taking a piss. As he walks up to a urinal he looks over and can't help but notice this tiny man has a monster member. The tiny man looks up and asks
"Wtf are you looking at?"
The man responds "I'm sorry but I couldn't help but notice....that"
"Well," the tiny man says "leprachauns are all well hung and I being a leprachaun can grant you one wish"
The man excitedly responds "I want one of those"
The leprachaun now done peeing says "you got it. But you have to let me get on my stool and plop this monster into your backdoor"
The man, confused, thinks for a moment then says "well, my wife would love one of those. Okay, you got a deal, but make it quick"
The tiny man gets on his stool as the man bends over and goes to work. After a few pumps he asks "so what's your name?"
The man replies in obvious pain "pete"
"Ahhhh peter" the tiny man gasps "how old are you peter"
The man, now panting "42!"
The tiny man, now near completion says "well Pete, aren't you a little old to be believing in leprachauns?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vkyoz/a_guy_walks_into_the_bathroom_at_a_bar/
%
Man pulls over to the side of the road next to two guys

Man: Awwww, look at this ! How cute are you !
Guy: Sir...
Man: You are so cute ! Are you twins??
Guy: Sir, I...
Man:Your mom even got the same clothes for both of you, you must be twins !
Guy: Sir, turn off the engine, and give me your licence and registration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vkxu4/man_pulls_over_to_the_side_of_the_road_next_to/
%
Jesus and Moses are at a lake in heaven

They both want to see if their powers still work
so moses splits the lake, walks right through, and says "alright jesus, now you try it"
So jesus tries to walk atop the waters but sinks right through, and swims to the other side.
"What happened?" Moses asks, "Did you lose balance or something?"
"Well last time I didn't have holes in my feet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vkxlw/jesus_and_moses_are_at_a_lake_in_heaven/
%
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes the whole ER to get it back out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vkwnq/how_many_perverts_does_it_take_to_put_in_a_light/
%
A farmer sends his dog out to count his sheep.

When the dog returns, it says, "Woof! You've got fifty sheep out there!"
"Fifty?" said the farmer. "I thought there were only forty-eight."
"Yes, that's right," said the dog. "First I counted them, and then I rounded them up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vkwf4/a_farmer_sends_his_dog_out_to_count_his_sheep/
%
Did you hear about the model who thought she was going to a beauty pageant? Turns out it was a kidnapping.

She was Miss Taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vkusv/did_you_hear_about_the_model_who_thought_she_was/
%
Where do German parents send their children with ADD for the Summer?

Concentration Camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vktv3/where_do_german_parents_send_their_children_with/
%
I'm thinking about changing my profession to mirror repair

It's a job I can really see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vktlm/im_thinking_about_changing_my_profession_to/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vksch/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
Did you guys hear about the new dildo farm that opened the other week?

It got invaded by squatters!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vkraj/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_new_dildo_farm_that/
%
I have the power to heal others. I am a villain. Who am I?

The American healthcare system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vko2s/i_have_the_power_to_heal_others_i_am_a_villain/
%
The cost of living has gotten really high.

My wife started having sex with me again because she can't afford batteries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vkkrg/the_cost_of_living_has_gotten_really_high/
%
It bombs

What happens when you tell a joke backwards?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vkezb/it_bombs/
%
Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about freedom?

Because freedom rings!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vk8kb/why_arent_there_any_knock_knock_jokes_about/
%
Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vk6n9/never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
this joke was going to be a dead baby joke

but i decided to abort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vk2wo/this_joke_was_going_to_be_a_dead_baby_joke/
%
"i'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing

unless your at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vk2cr/im_sorry_and_my_bad_mean_the_same_thing/
%
What is the chemical formula for Holy Water?

H2OMG

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjzxf/what_is_the_chemical_formula_for_holy_water/
%
How do you earn a small fortune by gambling?

You start with a big fortune.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjzpu/how_do_you_earn_a_small_fortune_by_gambling/
%
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I don't think I can ever repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjzjt/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/
%
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach?

It's not hard.
^^^Not ^^^OC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjypg/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
%
I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjy0n/i_learned_yesterday_that_a_school_of_piranhas_can/
%
Considering how bad Asian drivers are...

I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjxks/considering_how_bad_asian_drivers_are/
%
What's really helpful until pluralized?

Aid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjvxy/whats_really_helpful_until_pluralized/
%
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjv9e/a_father_watched_his_young_daughter_playing_in/
%
Farting on an elevator...

Is wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjuuz/farting_on_an_elevator/
%
I told a chemistry joke the other day...

I thought it was good personally, but the reaction was disappointing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjmbo/i_told_a_chemistry_joke_the_other_day/
%
What do you call an Elvis Presley lookalike that's 5'4"?

Elvish Presley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjlxr/what_do_you_call_an_elvis_presley_lookalike_thats/
%
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach.

There is nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. Suddenly, Satan comes up to him.
"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me", he says.
The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan.
"Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What's that about?"
"Oh," Satan says, "that's for the Catholics, they want it that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjkwt/a_man_dies_and_wakes_up_on_a_beach/
%
My email password has been hacked again

That's the third time I've had to rename my cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjiia/my_email_password_has_been_hacked_again/
%
What’s the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn’t follow you around for a week after you dump a load in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjfhl/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

Ones really heavy and the other's alittle lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vjer6/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Why are hurricanes always named after women?

Because the are wet and wild when they come, and they take house and car when they leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vj74y/why_are_hurricanes_always_named_after_women/
%
Old Romanian Joke: How do you stop an Albanian Tank?

You shoot the guy pushing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8viy7g/old_romanian_joke_how_do_you_stop_an_albanian_tank/
%
My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8viy75/my_wife_doesnt_know_this_but_i_put_a_dollar_in_an/
%
Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night.

Unable to move, he could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of him.
She knelt on the bed, between his thighs and said
"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"
Dave gulped: "My glasses, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8viwv6/daves_wife_tied_him_to_the_bed_posts_last_night/
%
Mother wanted to find her idiot son a job

, and of course the police station was the first location to try.
She said "My son is a real idiot, he would be a great policeman". The chief looked at him and said "I, don't know.. doesn't seem that dumb to me..."
The mother turned to her son and told him: "Sweetie, go look for mommy outside".
The son went outside and returned in five minutes saying "Mom, there's no mom outside".
The policeman laughed and said "Ha! What an idiot! He could have just looked out through the window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8viurq/mother_wanted_to_find_her_idiot_son_a_job/
%
Jokes on this sub are funny and original

Unfortunately, the jokes that are funny aren't original, and the jokes that are original aren't funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8visu8/jokes_on_this_sub_are_funny_and_original/
%
The First Lady was asked if she bleaches her asshole.

"No, he gets spray tanned." she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vir0r/the_first_lady_was_asked_if_she_bleaches_her/
%
Just had the following conversation in court...

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks, I’m outta here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vio6y/just_had_the_following_conversation_in_court/
%
I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night

Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vin1t/i_went_to_my_first_fight_club_meeting_last_night/
%
Someone told me Chorizo is the best kind of sausage...

... but that's baloney!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8viicp/someone_told_me_chorizo_is_the_best_kind_of/
%
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard.

Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"  His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."  "Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"  "What do you mean?" said Dad.  "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vih68/little_johnny_came_home_from_school_to_see_the/
%
Two guys are sitting next to each other in a pub.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8viggv/two_guys_are_sitting_next_to_each_other_in_a_pub/
%
Why wasn't the pilot allowed to fly? (Pun)

He was grounded due to his poor altitude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8viagt/why_wasnt_the_pilot_allowed_to_fly_pun/
%
I can see why Americans have reservations of taking in immigrants

Last time a lot of immigrants migrated there, they took over the whole damn place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8via8u/i_can_see_why_americans_have_reservations_of/
%
A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor...

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vi9xt/a_man_speaks_frantically_on_phone_with_a_doctor/
%
What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come it means you are fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vi8ux/what_is_the_closest_thing_similar_to_a_womans/
%
What is the chemical formula of water?

The teacher asked.
Bob answered "H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O".
Teacher: "What is this?!"
Bob: "well you said H2O?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vi7y8/what_is_the_chemical_formula_of_water/
%
What is the easiest way to lose 200 pounds of ugly fat ?

Divorce him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vi4xn/what_is_the_easiest_way_to_lose_200_pounds_of/
%
I bought my daughter some stuffed animals for her birthday.

In hindsight, getting them at the taxidermist was probably a bad idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vi4o3/i_bought_my_daughter_some_stuffed_animals_for_her/
%
One day, a new redditor is browsing /r/jokes and finds that it is nothing but upvoted posts with numbers in the titles.

Confused, he PMs an OP with a lot of upvotes and inquires, "What's up with all the number posts? What's so funny about numbers?"
"Well, you see, we got so many reposts on /r/jokes that we decided to just number all of the old OC and now we just post the numbers for the original jokes; it's much more efficient!"
The new redditor accepts this and moves on, figuring he'll never get the humor if he hasn't read the original jokes.
One day, the redditor decides to browse /r/jokes again to see if anything has changed, and sure enough the front page is still full of upvoted numbers. However, halfway down the page is a highly upvoted post with the title "Dave". The redditor opens the post only to find it empty. Confused yet again, he asks in the comments:
"What about the numbers? What's so funny about Dave?"
And the OP replies: "Everyone knows Dave, so we don't give him a number, we just say his name!"
Many weeks go by, and the redditor decides he wants to try posting to /r/jokes. Not remembering what numbers are popular, he decides to post "Dave".
He gets massively downvoted.
"But why?" he begs in the comments.
"You're just not telling it right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vi3fl/one_day_a_new_redditor_is_browsing_rjokes_and/
%
Recently, David just lost his ID.

Now he’s just Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vi258/recently_david_just_lost_his_id/
%
Dubai don’t let you watch The Flintstones

But Abu Dhabi do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vi0i7/dubai_dont_let_you_watch_the_flintstones/
%
what's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vhvth/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
Friendship between men and women

Women: A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Men: A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vhtbk/friendship_between_men_and_women/
%
Scientists discovered that there is a special nerve that connects human eyes to their ass.

Here’s the proof. When the test subjects were stabbed in the ass , they cried. And when the test subjects were stabbed in the eyes, they shat themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vhn3q/scientists_discovered_that_there_is_a_special/
%
Hiding an erection isn't as easy as you may think...

It's harder than it looks...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vhkto/hiding_an_erection_isnt_as_easy_as_you_may_think/
%
I spotted my ex girlfriend on the other side of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vhjiz/i_spotted_my_ex_girlfriend_on_the_other_side_of/
%
Gaming Sex Robot

I brought a sex robot from EA and it's so realistic. It wont have sex with me until I buy Cosmetic Item add-ons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vh479/gaming_sex_robot/
%
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call her and tell her about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vgxlv/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_during_sex/
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Scam alert! Men beware

During the recent hot weather here in the UK we have had a couple of young women operating a scam at our local supermarket. They offer a while-you-wait car valeting service - you just drive in and while you sit there, one of them washes the outside of the car while the other vacuums the inside. They're both really fit-looking and wear skimpy shorts and sleeveless T-shirt. What happens is that while the one outside is leaning across to clean the windscreen, with her wet T-shirt pressed up against the glass and really leaving very little to the imagination, the one inside will take advantage of your distraction to steal your wallet.
They caught me last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday (three times), last thing on Thursday, they weren't there on Friday, and again on Saturday. Good news though, the store does very good imitation Moroccan leather wallets for only £1.75.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vgxg0/scam_alert_men_beware/
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A robber went into someone's house and stole all the lamps

To his surprise, he later found the owner of said house de-lighted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vgwhx/a_robber_went_into_someones_house_and_stole_all/
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A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vguz5/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship/
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How do you know Dave?

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"Barrack Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At his house, Obama spots Dave walking towards his door and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vgsh3/how_do_you_know_dave/
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What's Gordon Ramsay's most hated subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vgofk/whats_gordon_ramsays_most_hated_subreddit/
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Have you ever heard that joke with the clock?

You haven't? Well, it's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vgn23/have_you_ever_heard_that_joke_with_the_clock/
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I found my ex girlfriend on the street working as a prostitute. I thought to myself, wow she must be really desperate if she needs the cash...

Then I yelled, "HEY BITCH TAKE YOUR COMPETITION ELSEWHERE! THIS IS MY SPOT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vgfke/i_found_my_ex_girlfriend_on_the_street_working_as/
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Wanna hear a joke about eggs?

Nah, you'll crack up because my yolks, are egg-celent.                                                        Note: I've told this joke at least 12 dozen times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vgf2p/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_eggs/
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What’s a common thing that happens when you bump into your ex?

You meet your son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vgehu/whats_a_common_thing_that_happens_when_you_bump/
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When I first bought condoms, there was a beautiful pharmacist at the counter.

She saw me looking a little nervous and she knew this was my first time. After asking if I knew how to use one, she offered to show me.
She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on nice and tight.
I was still pretty confused.
She looked around the store to see if there was anyone around, and then motioned me to the back.
"Hang on a minute," she said and locked the door.
She led me further back, took off her shirt and bra.
She asked me "You like what you see?"
Mouth agape, I could only nod my head as I blushed furiously.
She said "Well then, time to put the condom on" with a flirtatious smile.
As I was rushing to putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and spread her legs.
"Come on." she said. "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her and she was right: I was done in no time.
She looked at me a little funny and asked, "Did you put the condom on?"
I said, "You bet!" and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vg6xh/when_i_first_bought_condoms_there_was_a_beautiful/
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What do you call someone who is only half Jew?

Jew-ish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vg6a6/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_only_half_jew/
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I have this great joke about a watchmaker

I wish I could tell it better but my timing is off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vg51o/i_have_this_great_joke_about_a_watchmaker/
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NSFW the grossest joke I’ve ever heard

College girl is home for the weekend and asks her Dad “hey, can I use the car tonight?”
He says no, and reminds her that the last time she borrowed it she didn’t put any gas in and she scuffed the bumper. Despite her pleas and promises, the Dad steadfastly refuses to lend her the car. Since she’s already promised all her friends she’d pick them up, she continues to beg, “I’ll do anything dad! Please?!”
He looks at her and says “give me a blowjob, and you can use the car.”
Disgusted, the daughter is speechless. The dad just stands there, staring blankly at her. After a long silence she finally says “fine, I’ll do it. But only for a minute.”
He pulls it out, and she closes her eyes and slowly approaches it. As she nears she starts to notice that it smells terrible. As she gets closer it becomes unbearable and she backs away, covering her face. “Dad, what’s wrong with you?? Your dick smells like shit!”
“Oh man, I’m so sorry” says the Dad, buckling up his pants. “I can’t give you the car tonight after all - your brother has it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vg4mx/nsfw_the_grossest_joke_ive_ever_heard/
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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane...

Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 100 people happy". Then the pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could throw all 3 of these fucking idiots out the window and make millions of people happy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vg4ki/bush_trump_and_hillary_are_all_on_a_plane/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?

none

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vg35x/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
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The town brothel recently closed and left a single sign in the window.

Beat it; we’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vg2k0/the_town_brothel_recently_closed_and_left_a/
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If Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were drowning

and you could only save one of them, where would you and Justin Trudeau go for lunch?
If Donald Trump and Kim-Jong Un were drowning and you could only save one of them, where would you and Justin Trudeau go for lunch?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vg0xu/if_donald_trump_and_justin_trudeau_were_drowning/
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An ion walks into a bar and tells the bartender “I think I dropped an electron on the way in.” The bartender asks, “are you sure?”

“I’m positive”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfxtl/an_ion_walks_into_a_bar_and_tells_the_bartender_i/
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A Muslim, a Christian, and an Atheist all walk into a bar...

What a diverse neighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfxg8/a_muslim_a_christian_and_an_atheist_all_walk_into/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to put the picture up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfvbl/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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What's the difference between /r/jokes and the rest of reddit?

The rest of reddit has actual funny jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfua9/whats_the_difference_between_rjokes_and_the_rest/
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I'll never forget the last thing my grandfather told me before he passed

"Go long!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfu8u/ill_never_forget_the_last_thing_my_grandfather/
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The farmer and his family are entertaining a tourist crowd when...

... their son runs in and announces in a loud voice, " Dad, dad , the bull is fucking the cow !!. "
After a moment of shocked silence , the farmer calmly tells, " Next time , son , be a little less explicit.
You should have said.
" The bull is surprising the cow.  That sort of language comes from associating with riff- raff."
The following week the farmer and his wife was entertaining a new crowd when their son rushes in.
"Dad ,dad the bull is surprising the cows."
"Well done, son , you've remembered what I told you, but you should have said the bull is surprising the cow... It can only surprise one cow at a time, you know."
"But  he can, dad ", insisted the boy  " He's  fucking the horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfss7/the_farmer_and_his_family_are_entertaining_a/
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What's the difference between outlaws and inlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfsko/whats_the_difference_between_outlaws_and_inlaws/
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At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.

I asked him if it tasted like quackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfrju/at_the_mall_today_i_saw_a_toddler_gnawing_on_a/
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I think the saddest part about all those crippled children getting picked on was that

I only did it because I knew they couldn't stand up for themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfnaa/i_think_the_saddest_part_about_all_those_crippled/
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I’m trying to decide if I should become an athlete or a criminal

So I made a list of pros and cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfjz0/im_trying_to_decide_if_i_should_become_an_athlete/
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Why do virgins make the best hitmen?

No one ever sees them cumming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfemw/why_do_virgins_make_the_best_hitmen/
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How many men does it take to satisfy an Amish woman?

Two Mennonite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfef7/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_satisfy_an_amish/
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A man is at a funeral of an old friend.

He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word or two. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "Catholic Priest"
The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, we were all touched."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfed0/a_man_is_at_a_funeral_of_an_old_friend/
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A farmer and a pig with four wooden legs are walking down a road

I ask the man “Why does your pig have four wooden legs?”
The farmer replied “There was this one time my house started on fire and this very pig pulled me out and saved my life!”
I asked again “So why does he have wooden legs?”
The farmer replied again “My tractor had severe engine problems and if it wasn’t for this pig I would have gone up in flames!”
I asked one last time “SO WHY DOES THE PIG HAVE WOODEN LEGS???”
The farmer looked up calmly and said “If you had a pig this great, would you eat it all in one go?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfcu4/a_farmer_and_a_pig_with_four_wooden_legs_are/
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A woman runs into a man at the grocery store

Woman: Hi there!
Man: Do you know me?
Woman: I think you're the father of one of my kids.
Man: Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?
Woman: No.... I'm your son's teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vfaz6/a_woman_runs_into_a_man_at_the_grocery_store/
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My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my....

......Achilles elbow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vf82i/my_poor_knowledge_of_greek_mythology_has_always/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Choke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vf6r3/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken to the hospital

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken 2 the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up ?”
God said, “No, you have another 34 years to live.”
Armed with this divine insight, the woman decided to change how she lived the next 34 years.
Upon recovering from the heart attack, she went on to get a face-lift surgery, liposuction and tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color to look younger.
Finally, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the road on her way home, she was killed by a truck.
Arriving in front of God, she asked,
“You said I had another 34 years to live.
Why didn’t you save me from the truck?”
God replied:
“I mistook you for someone else!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vf5fw/a_54_year_old_woman_had_a_heart_attack_was_taken/
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For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vemsp/for_my_birthday_the_only_thing_i_got_was_a_deck/
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Who is the hottest knight in the king’s army?

Sir Racha!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vejb9/who_is_the_hottest_knight_in_the_kings_army/
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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years. One day, a wizard feeling sorry for them, brought them to life for 30 minutes...

Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there.
After a while they came back out, giggling.
The wizard told them, "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go..."
The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered, "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8veifw/a_statue_of_a_man_and_a_statue_of_a_woman_stood/
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You see a man on the side of the road

. You pull over and ask his name. “Terry,” he says. You start laughing. “That’s a girl’s name!” He pulls out a gun and shoots you. You have died of dissin’ Terry.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vei7z/you_see_a_man_on_the_side_of_the_road/
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I got gas today for a $1.39

Unfortunately it was from TacoBell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vehxq/i_got_gas_today_for_a_139/
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Camel and elephant meet

A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vegre/camel_and_elephant_meet/
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I’ve recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I’m taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vefez/ive_recently_developed_a_severe_phobia_of/
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I always start out my job interviews with the same phrase I say before having sex with someone for the first time.

Everything I know, I learned from my uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vebav/i_always_start_out_my_job_interviews_with_the/
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I was visiting a jam factory the other day,

They asked me if I had heard of any of the new techniques being used to grow berries. I told them that I wasn't up to date on my currant events.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ve9fe/i_was_visiting_a_jam_factory_the_other_day/
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What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?

An adadichtomy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ve6i9/whats_the_medical_term_for_a_femaletomale_sex/
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If you have a tiny green ball in one hand, and a tiny green ball in the other, what do you have?

The undivided attention of a leprechaun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ve5jj/if_you_have_a_tiny_green_ball_in_one_hand_and_a/
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I wanted to join the premature ejaculation club

but I got the times mixed up and came too early

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ve3im/i_wanted_to_join_the_premature_ejaculation_club/
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When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd.  "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ve37o/when_canada_was_first_unified_they_realized_they/
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I don’t need alcohol to have fun

I don’t need running shoes to run either, but if fucking helps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ve2rm/i_dont_need_alcohol_to_have_fun/
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there once was a...

There once was a community in which there where the squares and the "jokes". the "jokes" were actually circles but were a minority and were often laughed at and segregated in the community, so they were called "jokes". One circle had enough of the ridicule from the squares and wanted to become a square himself.
He knew that there was only one person in their town that could pull off such a thing. They called him Eye, for he was all seeing. After his long Journey, he finally arrived at Eye's magical hut. After the circle told him his request, the mystical Eye said, "This joke will forever be pointless, and Eye just wasted your time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ve09l/there_once_was_a/
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A Spaniard & a Russian were chatting up a woman at a bar

The Spaniard made many passes but it was the Russian who scored.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vdorf/a_spaniard_a_russian_were_chatting_up_a_woman_at/
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Yesterday my son got kicked out from a school for letting a girl jerk him off under a table

I said to him: 'This was a third school this year. Maybe teaching just isn't for you...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vdlnc/yesterday_my_son_got_kicked_out_from_a_school_for/
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When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth

He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vdkh0/when_bill_gates_donates_30_of_his_net_worth/
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I was offered sex with a beautiful 21 year old girl today...

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vdk73/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_beautiful_21_year_old/
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I watch porn for educational purposes.

So far it's taught me that I'm ugly and lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vdjyo/i_watch_porn_for_educational_purposes/
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I don't know why people say that no employer will be interested in your liberal arts degree.

I would love to hire someone who has clearly shown that they don't care at all about how much money they make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vdj7p/i_dont_know_why_people_say_that_no_employer_will/
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I turned on the radio and forgot I had the volume maxed out.

Now my left and right ear hertz a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vdenj/i_turned_on_the_radio_and_forgot_i_had_the_volume/
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When learning how to fly

its important to maintain a positive altitude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vdeis/when_learning_how_to_fly/
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Ben was a fifth grader notorious for his lack of filter.

One day, he walked into class 10 minutes late. "What took you so long, Ben?" asked the teacher. "Sorry miss, there was construction happening in a whorehouse nearby so all the roads were blocked."
Suddenly, all the girls in the class, disgusted at Ben, rose up to protest against his vulgar rhetoric. "Simmer down, you skanks", Ben replied "they are not taking applications yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vd9b3/ben_was_a_fifth_grader_notorious_for_his_lack_of/
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What do 6 out of 7 people like?

Gang rape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vd0bk/what_do_6_out_of_7_people_like/
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A man and his wife went to a fancy dinner party at a friend’s estate...

...while there, the husband, feeling the luxurious meal, embarks on a journey to the restroom. After a good bit of time he returns and his wife begins to ask if he is feeling alright.
Interrupting, he enthusiastically describes “the most beautiful, wonderful toilet anybody has ever seen! Made of pure gold! Shinier than a god’s belt buckle!” He urges his wife to go look.
For the rest of the evening he will not shut up about the “immaculate golden toilet,” she must go see it! But dinner concludes and the couple heads home. There, the husband still cannot stop talking about the golden toilet, so his wife, out of pure annoyance, gets in their car and zips over to the friend’s house.
The maid come to the door and is baffled upon hearing of this golden toilet. “Perhaps you are mistaken,” she says “but I’ll grab the missus.”
Rubbing sleep out of her eyes, the lady of the house listened carefully to what her visitor explained, “my husband has been raving about this golden toilet of yours, and says I absolutely must see it for myself...”
Staring back blankly for a moment, the missus turns back into the house and yells, “Morty! I know who took a shit in your tuba!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vcxw4/a_man_and_his_wife_went_to_a_fancy_dinner_party/
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Why should you not eat beef during a flight?

The steaks are too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vcwlh/why_should_you_not_eat_beef_during_a_flight/
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The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve FTL particles here"

A tachyon walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vcufr/the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_ftl/
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Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?

No, but have you seen my dad glasses?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vcl21/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
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Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.

Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vcinp/nobody_takes_my_decision_to_be_a_comedian/
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What Do You Call A Man who Has a Heart Attack During Sex?

Die Hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vcgw5/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_has_a_heart_attack/
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When I was young man I met a girl in Tennessee turned out she was a moonshiners daughter. That was a long time ago..

But I love her still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vce78/when_i_was_young_man_i_met_a_girl_in_tennessee/
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A man goes to a blacksmith and asks for a job

The blacksmith asks "I don't know, have you ever shoed a horse?"
The man replies "no, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vccj1/a_man_goes_to_a_blacksmith_and_asks_for_a_job/
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What's the difference between swim wear for men and swim wear for women?

Men's swimwear is designed for swimming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vc988/whats_the_difference_between_swim_wear_for_men/
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A magician was working on a cruise ship...

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vc8p9/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship/
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Give me five condoms, please.

"Do you want a bag?"
"No, she's not that ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vc66o/give_me_five_condoms_please/
%
I had a dream about swimming in an ocean of soda last night.

Turns out it was just a Fanta-sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vc5bo/i_had_a_dream_about_swimming_in_an_ocean_of_soda/
%
Just found an origami porn channel

Its paper view only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vc3hj/just_found_an_origami_porn_channel/
%
How do you get a seamstress's attention?

a hem!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vc39x/how_do_you_get_a_seamstresss_attention/
%
I gave my girlfriend a titty twister that ruined her bra...

Now whose tired of hearing about the whirled cup?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vc0wk/i_gave_my_girlfriend_a_titty_twister_that_ruined/
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Court Hearing in Helsinki

The judge questions the culprit:
"Where have you been in the night of the 4th November to 11th February?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vbzgi/court_hearing_in_helsinki/
%
A drunken man walks into a biker bar.

He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, and leans over. Then he looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says,
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says,
"I got it on with your grandma, and she is good. The best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says...
"Grandpa. GO HOME.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vbxwq/a_drunken_man_walks_into_a_biker_bar/
%
I buy chicks but not hens.

A chick's a little cheeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vbvii/i_buy_chicks_but_not_hens/
%
Whats the difference between a black joke and a Mexican joke?

Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vbtk8/whats_the_difference_between_a_black_joke_and_a/
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I tried the left only twix they started selling recently.

Something about it just didn't taste right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vbt2a/i_tried_the_left_only_twix_they_started_selling/
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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"
Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vbr8l/wife_was_cleaning_12_year_old_sons_bedroom/
%
What do Dracula’s girlfriend and a boxer have in common?

They both go down for The Count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vbmr7/what_do_draculas_girlfriend_and_a_boxer_have_in/
%
Guy: I'm writing "Transformers": a crossover fanfic where Othello encounters Sauron...

Other guy: "why's it called "Transformers"?"
Guy: Moor then meets The Eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vbm1m/guy_im_writing_transformers_a_crossover_fanfic/
%
A chicken walks into a library and says to the librarian:

"Book, book, book."
The librarian hands the chicken three books. On the way out, the chicken runs into a frog.
The chicken shows the books to the frog and says:
"Book, book, book."
The frog replies:
"Reddit, reddit, reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vbjlw/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library_and_says_to_the/
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vbjcy/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vbidn/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_didnt_understand/
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The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they must abide by the following instructions:
“You may visit this store only once. There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!”
So, a woman goes to “The Husband Store” to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs, and love kids.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love kids, and love God.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, love God, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, love God, are drop-dead gorgeous and help with the housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly believe it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, love God, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Good-bye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vbhfi/the_husband_store/
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There are two secrets to success in this world:

1. Never tell everything you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vbcv7/there_are_two_secrets_to_success_in_this_world/
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An elderly jewish man visits a brothel.

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked needy.
Can I help you?" the madam asked.
I want Natalie," the old man replied.
Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
Yes; I know, said the old man. She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vbckc/an_elderly_jewish_man_visits_a_brothel/
%
I ate at the Mary poppins restaurant last night.....

They had super cauliflower cheese but lobster was atrocious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vb94t/i_ate_at_the_mary_poppins_restaurant_last_night/
%
Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vb4o1/nine_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_on_a/
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After sitting through the movie 'A Wrinkle in Time'

Guy 1 - This movie sucked.
Guy 2 - Yup, the book was better.
Guy 1 - Which book?
Guy 2 - Any book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vb3u6/after_sitting_through_the_movie_a_wrinkle_in_time/
%
A genetic botanist doesn't show up to the church picnic.

Her concerned husband finds her in her lab working feverishly on a new pesticide resistant strain of maize.
"Aren't you coming to the congregation picnic?". He asks.
"Screw them and their impossible deadlines!  They told me I have until today to get the corn bred!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vb3s5/a_genetic_botanist_doesnt_show_up_to_the_church/
%
What do you say when someone throws something at the president?

Donald Duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vb2oa/what_do_you_say_when_someone_throws_something_at/
%
Boudreaux and the moose hunt

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six of them. As the two Cajuns start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."
The two Cajuns object strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours!"
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Boudreaux asks Thibodeaux, "Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Thibodeaux.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vaz61/boudreaux_and_the_moose_hunt/
%
How many abducted women does it take to change a light bulb?

Five is apparently not enough because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vax0s/how_many_abducted_women_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
This girl came up to me today saying she recognised me from the Vegan club...

I was confused, as I’d never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vauqb/this_girl_came_up_to_me_today_saying_she/
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Is Theology the study of people named Theo?

That's actually the whole thing sorry.
Dad joke but it's mine.
Edit 1: at the request of a punchline
"I was just Theorizing"
Edit 2: Aww now you guys are just being kind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vatfu/is_theology_the_study_of_people_named_theo/
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Van Gogh Family

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lesser known relatives:
* The really obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
* The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
* His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
* An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh
* And his magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vassd/van_gogh_family/
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What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?

Hamsterdam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vas6z/what_do_you_call_it_when_rodents_invade_a_beaver/
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What does a depressed shrimp do to escape the pain?

He Krills himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vaqhg/what_does_a_depressed_shrimp_do_to_escape_the_pain/
%
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket, he said:

"how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vaqh9/i_still_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandfather/
%
I sold my old carpet cleaner today.

It was only gathering dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vaqek/i_sold_my_old_carpet_cleaner_today/
%
Why do rednecks like to do it doggie style?

That way they can **BOTH** watch NASCAR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vaqcv/why_do_rednecks_like_to_do_it_doggie_style/
%
A man just proposed to a woman at a gym. She said no.

Well that didn’t workout...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vally/a_man_just_proposed_to_a_woman_at_a_gym_she_said/
%
You know, if I had a dollar for every time someone over fifty told me my generation sucks...

Then I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vaj79/you_know_if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone/
%
My tailor became a lawyer.

Now he's sewing everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vahp2/my_tailor_became_a_lawyer/
%
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird
(Also Ernest Hemingway, but that’s beside the point)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vahhm/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_alcohol_and/
%
Can we all just stop joking about fatties?

They've got enough on their plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vag54/can_we_all_just_stop_joking_about_fatties/
%
I accidentally passed my Wife the super-glue instead of her Lipstick..

She hasn't spoken to me for days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vag4s/i_accidentally_passed_my_wife_the_superglue/
%
A few centimeters...

3 Kings were having a feast a long time ago. After the feast, they sat down to boast about their kingdoms.
The first one said, "In my kingdom, we've progressed so far that we have touched the top of the sky."
"The very top?!" asked the other two, astonished. "Not exactly the top, we missed it by a few centimeters."
The second king said," In my kingdom we've progressed so far we've touched the bottom of the ocean."
"The very bottom?!" The other two asked. "Not exactly the bottom, we missed it by a few centimeters."
The third king then said, "In my kingdom, we've progressed so far that we can eat with our nose"
"With your nose?!!!" asked the other two. "Not exactly, we miss it by a few centimeters."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vad8d/a_few_centimeters/
%
Just saw Pixar's latest movie. Not only was it great...

... it was incredible, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vabll/just_saw_pixars_latest_movie_not_only_was_it_great/
%
Australians don't have sex

They mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8va9ot/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
What's the difference between the Titanic and Kim Kardashian?

The number of people who rode the Titanic is known.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8va9mi/whats_the_difference_between_the_titanic_and_kim/
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A guy visits /r/Jokes

to find that people got so used to the same jokes getting reposted over and over that they don't even bother reposting them anymore, instead, they just type the joke number in the title and people would upvote them.
He then tries that with a random number and gets downvoted to hell. A couple minutes later, another guy uses the same joke number and gets to the first page.
Confused, he asks the reposter why the repost was so successful while the previous one got heavily downvoted. The reposter answered: "Well, some people are good at telling jokes, some are not"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8va8ff/a_guy_visits_rjokes/
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This is so awful. It must go on to infect others.

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn trousers.
“Euripides?” Says the tailor.
“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8va8de/this_is_so_awful_it_must_go_on_to_infect_others/
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How do you spot the blind guy at a nudist colony?

It’s not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8va847/how_do_you_spot_the_blind_guy_at_a_nudist_colony/
%
Why do greeks fly buisness?

Because they dont have an economy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8va6m9/why_do_greeks_fly_buisness/
%
My buddy did the dishes last night

That's one fetish I'll never understand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8va4ji/my_buddy_did_the_dishes_last_night/
%
If someone makes a joke about swords and someone else copies it...

Does that make it a *riposte?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8va3q4/if_someone_makes_a_joke_about_swords_and_someone/
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The lovers in the ice cream parlor

I came up with this joke years ago. I rarely had the oppertunity to tell it.
There was a couple of lovers who had a day off work so they went to their favorite ice cream parlor. The boyfriend wasn't that into ice cream but it was the girlfriend's favorite treat, so he always had what she had. The place was mostly quiet since it was a workday. She wanted to share a sundae with him. He told her, "Good idea. You pick one out while I find us a table." As she went to the menus on the wall, he picked a table in a booth in the corner. She saw that they had a new sundae topped with mixed nuts that have been crushed to crumbs. He quickly dropped into the seat. Without turning around, not knowing that he sat down, she asked, "Crushed nut?" to which he replied, "Very possibly. I think I just sat down too fast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8va1oy/the_lovers_in_the_ice_cream_parlor/
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The first day of first grade

The teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer.
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on the choo-choo."
"That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say choo-choo, we say train."
The next child raised her hand and said, "I had to have an operation on my tummy this summer."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said the teacher, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say tummy, we say stomach."
The third child stood up, feeling quite smart and grown-up, and said, "This summer we got to go to Disney World and I met Winnie the Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8va1f0/the_first_day_of_first_grade/
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All things that float are female

They're boyn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v9wfa/all_things_that_float_are_female/
%
Plot Twist

A hotel receptionist gets a call*
Man: Hello, I'm in room 410, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.
Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannot help you with that.
Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v9srt/plot_twist/
%
Satan goes to church

It was a beautiful summer Sunday in a small southern church, songs had been sung, and the preacher was about to begin his sermon. There was suddenly a loud boom of thunder, and in a bright flash and smell of burning brimstone, Satan appeared at the pulpit. It terrified the congregation, and they began flooding from every door and window. All except one old man on the second row. He sat quietly reading the church bulletin. Satan pondered, this man must be deaf and blind, or surely he would have departed in terror. Satan asks, "Can you see me?" " Yes, of course" replied the old man, still casually reading. "Do you know who I am?" asks Satan. "Certainly" said the man, not even bothering to look up. This angered Satan greatly. "Do you not realize that with the utterance of a single word, I can take your life and condemn you to an eternity in hell?"  "Sure" replied old gentleman, now appearing to be a bit bored, but still not looking up from his reading. Satan, now bewildered, asks "If you know who I am, and what I can do to you, why are you not terrified like the rest?" For the first time the old man looked up at Satan and replied "Because I was married to your sister for fifty years, and I figured you were here to get away from her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v9ov5/satan_goes_to_church/
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Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v9kd3/did_you_hear_about_the_drummer_who_gave_all_his/
%
A married man carries a sheep into his bedroom.

His wife is laying on the bed confused and asks him what is going on. The man says "This is the pig I fuck when you are too tired".  "That's not a pig that's a sheep" says the wife. To which the husband responds "shhh I'm not talking to you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v9jbe/a_married_man_carries_a_sheep_into_his_bedroom/
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Man to Drunk Friend: You'd better take a cab home.

Drunk Friend: My wife won't let me bring it into the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v9hsn/man_to_drunk_friend_youd_better_take_a_cab_home/
%
Where do men that mansplain get water from?

From the well, actually....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v9fmr/where_do_men_that_mansplain_get_water_from/
%
A German sits alone in a bar, drinking, when a Korean walks in...

A German sits alone in a bar, drinking his sorrows away when a Korean walks in and sits right next to him. The German lets out a deep sigh in anticipation of the gloating.
Korean guy: “Let’s not talk about soccer, alright?”
The German looks up: “Oh... ok! That would be nice for a change.”
Korean: “Yeah, sure. How about some other topic? Let’s talk about sex, shall we?”
German: “Alright!”
Korean: “So... WE FUCKED YOU GOOD, HUH?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v9abs/a_german_sits_alone_in_a_bar_drinking_when_a/
%
When is a joke a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v94ep/when_is_a_joke_a_dad_joke/
%
There was this newlywed couple and they wanted to have some silent signals about when they wanted to have sex.

So the wife said that if he wanted sex to touch her left breast, and if he didn't want sex, to touch her right breast. Then she asked him what he wanted as signals. The answer was, that if she wanted sex, to tug on his cock. Then she asked what if she didn't want sex. The answer was, tug on it another hundred times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v91y5/there_was_this_newlywed_couple_and_they_wanted_to/
%
The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v91g7/the_wife_and_i_took_a_long_leisurely_drive_out_to/
%
“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!”

Grandpa: “Who’s playing?”
Grandson: “Austria-Hungary”
Grandpa: “Against who?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v90jf/grandpa_grandpa_im_watching_a_soccer_game/
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Why do reposted jokes get upvoted more than the original jokes?

You need to tell a redditor a joke multiple times before he gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8w5x/why_do_reposted_jokes_get_upvoted_more_than_the/
%
I called my doctor because I had an erection that lasted for more than four hours.

I said “Help! I’ve gotten up & I can’t get down!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8u8y/i_called_my_doctor_because_i_had_an_erection_that/
%
Mumble rappers are dying off

Lil' by Lil'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8sb6/mumble_rappers_are_dying_off/
%
After getting acupuncture, my chronic muscle pain is completely gone.

The pin really is mightier than the sore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8q07/after_getting_acupuncture_my_chronic_muscle_pain/
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The wife came early and found her husband making love with a young attractive woman.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife and mother of your children! I am leaving you"
The husband replied "Hang on a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Go ahead", she sobbed. " but probably they will be the last words you will say to me"
And the husband began " Well, I was getting in to the car to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out, and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So , in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid that you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have a good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair of the same.
The husband took a quick breath and continued- ' She was so grateful for my understanding and help and that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ' Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
That's how we ended up on bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8oog/the_wife_came_early_and_found_her_husband_making/
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A man and a woman were married for 50 years.

Every morning the man would roll over on his side and let rip s horrible smelling fart.  Every day the wife would tell him, “One day you are gonna shit your guts out.”
One day after years and years of it. The wife is preparing a turkey dinner and decided to save the guts and giblets and put them under her husband in the morning before he woke up.
While she was making breakfast the next morning, she herd the usual toot from the other room followed by a blood curdling scream.
A short time later the husband comes into the kitchen. Gasping for breath he exclaims to his wife, “my love you were right.  This morning when I passed gas I shit my guts out. Just like you said it would happen! But (holding up his hand) with the grace of god and these arthritic fingers I was able to get them all back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8oiu/a_man_and_a_woman_were_married_for_50_years/
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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it...

It's still fowl language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8np6/if_your_phone_auto_corrects_fuck_to_duck_its_okay/
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What do Italian girls drive?

They drive a-me crazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8nij/what_do_italian_girls_drive/
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I know a guy who has dates almost every day

He says they are part of his fruity diet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8iv9/i_know_a_guy_who_has_dates_almost_every_day/
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The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8gi0/the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_receive/
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Choosing what happens in reincarnation

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep.
All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!??  Are you saying I'm dead?  I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry.  "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen.  You can choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.  Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run,  really nicely feathered.  But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said.  "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!"  said the rooster.  "That's only the ovulation going on.  Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?"  Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow"  Harry said "that felt really good!"  So he clucked again and squeezed.  And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.  The third time he clucked, he heard his  wife shout:
"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're sh ! tting all over the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8ftn/choosing_what_happens_in_reincarnation/
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I don't know if you knew this. But if you store your urine in the fridge for 21 days...

There's a 100% chance you're single.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8d5k/i_dont_know_if_you_knew_this_but_if_you_store/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*choking* *noises*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8cow/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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When I was young I remember me and my crush behind the school bins.

Fortunately I didn't get caught disposing of her body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8ah1/when_i_was_young_i_remember_me_and_my_crush/
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Why do American hospitals circumcise baby boys?

In the US, it's customary to leave a tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v89wo/why_do_american_hospitals_circumcise_baby_boys/
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Which one of those doesn't belong on this list? Eggs, Wife or blowjob?

Blowjob. You can beat eggs and you can beat your wife but you can never beat a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v8956/which_one_of_those_doesnt_belong_on_this_list/
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3 unwritten rules of life:

1:
2:
3:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v87cn/3_unwritten_rules_of_life/
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What's the difference between General Custer and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels still kills Indians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v7yz9/whats_the_difference_between_general_custer_and/
%
How do fish get high?

Seaweed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v7ymg/how_do_fish_get_high/
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What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot?

Mitosis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v7t9q/what_did_the_cell_say_to_his_sister_when_she/
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I should put my dog on a diet...

He is getting a little husky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v7jho/i_should_put_my_dog_on_a_diet/
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The Name of God

Two Jews were arguing about the proper way to say God’s name when the rabbi walked by.
“Rabbi,” called one of the men, “could you settle an argument for us? We want to know if the proper way to say God’s name is ‘Yah way’ or ‘Yah vey.’”
“That’s easy!” the rabbi said. “It’s ‘Yah vey!’”
“Thank you so much, rabbi.” said the other man.
“Ya velcome.” Replied the rabbi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v7jf8/the_name_of_god/
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Friends

So I recently finished watching the show Friends. And I was at a party and was talking about it, when this woman came up to me and said "You know, it sounds like you watch a lot of Friends. But you really shouldn't."
So I asked her, "Why not?"
She said, "Well, because they constantly body-shame Monica because she used to be fat. And because in one episode Ross is really homophobic. And because they make fun of Chandler's dad because he's transgender. And because Joey behaves in an extremely degrading way towards women. And because the main cast was entirely white and they didn't introduce a significant black character until Season 9. And because they made light of Phoebe's mom's obvious mental health issues."
So I said, "You know, it sounds like you watch a lot of Friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v7cgx/friends/
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Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.
The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.
St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will prove if you have indeed taken those solemn vows, OR you three are merely imposters dressed in costume. Given you answer correctly bells will ring, a chorus will sing, and the pearly gates will open.”
The nuns all studied the bible and feel confident they can answer whatever question comes their way.
The first nun stepped forward. St Peter asked the nun “Who was the first man created by God?” The nun answered instantly “ADAM!”
Bells rang, a chorus sang, and she walked through the pearly gates into heaven.
The second nun stepped forward. Peter asked “Who was the first woman created by god?” The nun answered confidently “Eve.”
Bells rang, a chorus sang, and she walked through the pearly gates into heaven.
The third nun hesitant stepped forward thinking “I’m screwed. I don’t know the second or third people.” She hung her head low.
Peter asked the nun “What were the first words ever spoken?”
The Nun paused, she thought it over and was really stumped. Finally she said to Peter “Wow, that’s hard.”
Bells rang, a chorus sang, and she walked through the pearly gates into heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v7c68/three_nuns_were_fatally_injured_in_a_horrific/
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What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I’ve never paid $40 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v7bo7/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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Clean Underwear

My mom always told me to wear clean underwear in case I was ever in an accident. I never thought this was a real thing until I read about a car accident in the paper. They said the officers at the scene checked and there were no skidmarks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v79sh/clean_underwear/
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It took me almost a decade of marriage and several failed attempts of trying to realise it

Im not capable of making dad jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v77bp/it_took_me_almost_a_decade_of_marriage_and/
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Redneck learns more than he bargained for

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.  "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"  The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"  "Yeah."  "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard."  "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done, the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house."  "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."  "I have a family."  "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."  "Yes, I do have a wife."  "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."  "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater." Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.  "Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"  Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?" "No." "Then you're a queer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v778x/redneck_learns_more_than_he_bargained_for/
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What do you call a poor person living in the 16-1800s?

Baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v75od/what_do_you_call_a_poor_person_living_in_the/
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A man boarded a plane to Pittsburgh...

Sitting down, they both notice each other to have a black eye. Striking up conversation, one of the men speak up:
Man 1: "Hey, so I gotta ask. I mean we both have one... How'd you get your shiner?"
Man 2: "Well funniest thing, it was a slip of the tongue! Do you remember that attendant at the front desk?"
Man 1: "That cute one? Yeah, I remember."
Man 2: "Yeah, her! Well I was going to ask for tickets to Pittsburgh, but slip of the tongue, I ended up asking for pickets to tittsburgh. Needless to say, she threw a good punch and that's how I got my black eye. How about you?"
Man 1: "Wow, you won't believe it, but the exact same thing - a slip of the tongue... So the other night while I was having dinner with my wife, I went to ask her 'could you pass the salt,' but of course, *slip of the tongue*...it came out as 'You ruined my life, you soul-sucking bitch!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v75mn/a_man_boarded_a_plane_to_pittsburgh/
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10 blondes and a brunette were hanging on a rope on the side of a cliff

However the rope cannot carry all 11, so one person has to be sacrificed. The brunette volunteers to sacrifice herself and proceeds to make a long touching speech. After she finishes, all the blondes clap and let go of the rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v74ur/10_blondes_and_a_brunette_were_hanging_on_a_rope/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German were in the side of a street...

On the street was a performer who was juggling. The juggler noticed the four men had poor eyesight so the juggler stood on a wooden box and exclaimed "Can you see me now?!" The four men responded
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v748t/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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What does a redneck girl say when she loses her virginity?

Get off me Daddy! You crushing mah cigarettes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v73l6/what_does_a_redneck_girl_say_when_she_loses_her/
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Knock Knock

-who’s there?
-The FBI
-The FBI who?
-Abandon the plan. He’s onto us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v72fg/knock_knock/
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Accordion to a recent survey,

replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes unnoticed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v71bs/accordion_to_a_recent_survey/
%
Did you hear about the squirrel who had sex with his acorns instead of eating them?

It was fucking nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v70y6/did_you_hear_about_the_squirrel_who_had_sex_with/
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Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons.

The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third woman says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room he's called 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.
"My son is 6'2", has broad shoulders, is terribly handsome, and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v70le/four_catholic_ladies_were_having_coffee_one/
%
God came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Well, give me the good news first," Adam replied.
"I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet."
Adam exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
"The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v706b/god_came_to_adam_and_said_ive_got_some_good_news/
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A minister and a taxi driver . . .

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this loudly dressed man, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”
Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom.”
So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, “I am Fr. MZichael O’Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”
Saint Peter consults his list and says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister, “that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?”
“Up here, we go by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept — while he drove, people prayed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v6xrq/a_minister_and_a_taxi_driver/
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A man is walking through a market one day.

He comes across a stall where an old woman is selling baubles and jewelry. Intrigued by one particular item, he points it out and asks her about it.
"That is a magic necklace" she says. "It increases by a thousand times the number of women who want to have sex with you."
Excited, the man buys the necklace and continues on through the market. He stops a beautiful young woman and asks her to have sex with him. Disgusted, she turns him down. Somewhat confused, the man keeps walking and eventually propositions many more women, with similar results.
Now angry, he storms back to the old woman and shouts that she has ripped him off, as no woman yet has wanted to have sex with him. With a shrug, the old woman replies, "A thousand times zero is still zero."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v6wtc/a_man_is_walking_through_a_market_one_day/
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I’m on a whiskey diet.

I’ve already lost three days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v6wj2/im_on_a_whiskey_diet/
%
I watched a porno version of The Invisible Man but I missed the climax.

Never saw him coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v6uuu/i_watched_a_porno_version_of_the_invisible_man/
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You can't trust anyone you meet in online dating.

Just last week I went on a date with a girl and stole $300 from her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v6ulw/you_cant_trust_anyone_you_meet_in_online_dating/
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My first time buying condoms...

I was 16 or so. I went in to buy
a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman
assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her
thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I
apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse
and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these
excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties
and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could
no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
she asked. I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v6rec/my_first_time_buying_condoms/
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$50 is $50

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy moves, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v6oz2/50_is_50/
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Lost in Translation

An Italian guy, a Mexican guy and a Chinese guy are hired to do some construction labor.  The Foreman pulls them together and says, “I need you three to move this big pile of sand to the other side of the jobsite.”
He tells the Italian,”You’re in charge of shoveling the sand into the wheelbarrow.”  He points at the Mexican.  “You’re in charge of taking the sand to the other side and dumping it.”   And he tells the Chinese guy, “The equipment is over there.  You’re in charge of the supplies.”
“Now, I’ll be back in an hour.  Get to work!”
When he returns, the Italian and the Mexican are still standing there and the Chinese guy is missing.  “What the hell?”, says the Foreman.  “Why haven’t you gotten started?”
The Italian says, “Wella, itsa like dis, boss”...”I donta hava no shovel!”
The Mexican says, “Senor!  I no have el wheelbarrow!”
The Foreman says, “Ok but where’s the Chinese guy?”
At that moment, the Chinese guy jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, “Supplies!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v6leh/lost_in_translation/
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Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v6ki3/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_playground/
%
My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia...

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.
"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya mate?"
I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....you know."
The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"
I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v6jld/my_wife_and_i_went_on_our_honeymoon_to_australia/
%
I have a pet tree

It's kind of like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v6gyn/i_have_a_pet_tree/
%
A woman had a terrible skin disease

That covered her legs. She went to a dermatologist and he said
"What you have is very rare but easily cured. Take a bath in milk for 3 nights and it will go away."
The woman went home and called the local grocery store and said
"I would like to buy 40 gallons of milk to bathe in."
The man on the phone exclaimed "40 gallons pasturized!?"
She said "heavens no... Just past my waist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v6dir/a_woman_had_a_terrible_skin_disease/
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When you’ve got a bladder infection...

You know urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v6chr/when_youve_got_a_bladder_infection/
%
Question

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, the rabbi finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
“Rabbi,” little Melvin asked, “there’s something I need to know.”
“What’s that, my child?” the rabbi asked.
“Well, according to the Scriptures, the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”
“Right.”
“And the children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”
“Uh—right.”
“And the children of Israel built the temple, right?”
“Again you are correct.”
“And the children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the children of Israel were always doing something important, right?”
“All that is correct,” the rabbi said. “So what’s your question?”
“What I need to know is this,” Melvin said. “What were all the grown-ups doing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v6cbn/question/
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If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals..

Left and right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v68ne/if_i_was_a_cop_i_would_be_ticketing_people_for/
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A man gets a tattoo of his wife's name on his penis

The couple had gone to Jamaica for a second honeymoon and the husband decided to surprise her, by getting her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis.
Later that day they were at a restaurant having dinner and the man needed to pee. He went to the men's bathroom and started to pee in the urinal. This tall, local man came in and started to pee at the urinal next to him.
Out of curiosity the man looked down at the Jamaican man's penis and noticed a W at the base and a Y near the tip.
The man turned to the Jamaican, "Is your wife named Wendy too?"
"No. Mine says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice stay'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v67jy/a_man_gets_a_tattoo_of_his_wifes_name_on_his_penis/
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The CIA lost track of its operative in Ireland “Murphy. ”

The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well. ”
So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Murphy. ”
The bartender replies, “You’re going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There’s Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There’s Murphy the Banker, who’s president of our local savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too. ”
Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ”
The bartender replies, “Oh, you’re looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v66s7/the_cia_lost_track_of_its_operative_in_ireland/
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An officer pulls over a car with 5 elder women on the freeway.

Approaching the car he notices the women in the back of the car are pale white and wide eyed.
The women was visibly confused about being pulled over and asked, “ Why was I pulled over I was going exactly 22 mph?
The officer tells her she wasn’t speeding but she was going a lot slower than the speed limit.
She responds I was going the exact speed limit 22 MPH.
He laughs and says the that was the route number and not the speed limit.
The women smiled out of embarrassment and thanked the officer.
Just before the officer walked off he asked if everyone is ok in the car.
The women responds, “They will be in a minute. We just got off route 119.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v63a9/an_officer_pulls_over_a_car_with_5_elder_women_on/
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I used to be indecisive.

But now I'm not so sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v61cj/i_used_to_be_indecisive/
%
Rodeo Sex

When you’re making love to your girl doggy style and bend over and whisper in her ear, “this is how your sister likes it too”, and try and hold on for 8 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v60fn/rodeo_sex/
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What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?

A hooker will usually stop screwing you once you're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5z7s/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_lawyer/
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JAMAICAN FIREMAN BELLS

A Jamaican  fireman came home from work, one day and said to his wife,
"Y'know sumptin  womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down  de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on womon,
When I say,  'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de  bed.
When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night  girl."
The next night, he came home and shouted,  "Bell One" and the wife stripped
naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the  bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make love!
After a few minutes, the wife
yelled out, "Bell Four !!!!"
"WOMON ... What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he  asked.
She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you  ain't nowhere near de fire!"
(This is an old one and I have no idea if it has been posted before... I hope you enjoyed it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5wbg/jamaican_fireman_bells/
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I sent an email with the subject line "post" to the mods asking if this joke was new or not. The subject line of their response told me all I needed to know...

Re:post

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5w3u/i_sent_an_email_with_the_subject_line_post_to_the/
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When crazy people go walking,

They can take the psychopath or the sociopath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5tn5/when_crazy_people_go_walking/
%
Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?

Neither did he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5r3n/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_guy_with_the/
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3 guys apply for a contractor job...

A Mexican, a Chinese guy, and an Italian. The job boss says to the Mexican, what’s your estimate for the job? The Mexican replies $150,000. He then says to the Chinese guy, what’s your price? The Chinese man says “I get good deal Chinese steel, $100,000”. He then asks the Italian who says, with a stern face $500,000. The job boss asked him why he would even consider hiring him after such a high quote. The Italian leans in and says “200 for me, 200 for you, and we hire the chink”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5qro/3_guys_apply_for_a_contractor_job/
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Sodium free salt?

Na thanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5q1h/sodium_free_salt/
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A zoo bought a female gorilla

About a week after buying a gorilla the zookeepers noticed the gorilla became extremely aggressive. There was nothing they could do to console the gorilla. After awhile even when they fed the gorilla it would refuse to eat and throw its food against the wall.
After this went on for awhile the zookeepers decided to bring a professional in. Once the professional came in he told them
“This is a female gorilla and she is clearly in heat. You need to get a male here to have sex with her.”
The zookeepers were in quite a bind because they didn’t have the money to buy a second gorilla so they decided to reach out to other zoos and see if they could have one flown in for the special purpose. They called every zoo they could and unfortunately no one would give in to their request.
That’s when one of the zookeepers had an idea.
“I’ve got it! You know that big country boy who cleans out the cages? He is almost the size of a gorilla. Maybe he would do it!”
So before closing the zoo that night they approached the man and asked him,
“We know this is a crazy request but we are in dire need. The gorilla we just bought is a female in heat and we need someone to have sex with her. We can’t afford to bring a male gorilla in so we were wondering, would you be willing to have sex with her for $500 dollars?”
The man sat for a minute and said,
“I’m not sure, honestly I’ve never considered something like this before. Can I have the night to think about it?”
The zookeepers were happy to oblige.
“Of course! Take the night to think about it but we need an answer in the morning.”
The next morning the zookeepers came into work and were waiting on pins and needles. Finally they saw the cage cleaner as he came into work and they instantly approached him.
“Do you have an answer?!”
The man replied,
“I’ve thought long and hard about this and I think I can do it but I have 2 conditions.”
“Of course!” The zookeepers replied, “anything you want!”
“Alright” said the man,
“First, you cannot tell ANYONE about this. I can’t have this get out.”
“Of course, of course!” said the zookeepers, “what is your second request?”
The man took a moment and replied,
“I don’t have $500 on me right now, I’m gonna need a week before I can pay you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5lfz/a_zoo_bought_a_female_gorilla/
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What do you call 8 men who refuse to do a single dare?

An octopus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5ki4/what_do_you_call_8_men_who_refuse_to_do_a_single/
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What do Jehovah’s Witnesses believe in—but is not true?

That I will open the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5i1a/what_do_jehovahs_witnesses_believe_inbut_is_not/
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An old Russian man is at his dying wife's bedside.

The doctor on visit to their apartment looks her over and says, "I'm so sorry, but the only way to save your wife is to have anal sex with her."
"I can't do it," says the man, "I'm a loyal Communist and have dutifully served my country. I fought the entire war and earned many medals. Hell, I even held Lenin in my arms as he was dying."
"Like I said, anal is the only way to save your wife." says the doctor and leaves.
Later that night, the man decides to take the doctor's advice, mounts his wife and starts pounding away. After a few moments, he becomes exhausted and falls asleep.
The next morning, the man wakes up and sees the other half of the bed is empty. He sits up and all of a sudden hears pots and pans clanging in the kitchen. He gets up, walks over to the kitchen, and sees his wife doing dishes and humming with joy. As he watches her, he suddenly slaps his forehead and says:
"Cyka blyat, I could have saved Lenin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5g2q/an_old_russian_man_is_at_his_dying_wifes_bedside/
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In eight grade my gym teacher gave me a D.

That's how I got an A.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5eox/in_eight_grade_my_gym_teacher_gave_me_a_d/
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Hiding an erection isn’t as easy as you may think

It’s harder than it looks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5el2/hiding_an_erection_isnt_as_easy_as_you_may_think/
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A dad takes his special needs son to soccer tryouts.

After his son fails at shooting, passing and set pieces, the coach approaches the father and says, "are you sure your son is cut out for this?"
The father replies, "you haven't seen his best attribute yet."
"What's that?"
"Dribbling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5csa/a_dad_takes_his_special_needs_son_to_soccer/
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Did you know...

If you run for 3 miles everyday for a year .... You will be very far away from your home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5crw/did_you_know/
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My conservative friends keep warning me that China has a PLAN

But I don't see what the People's Liberation Army Navy has to do with anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5brq/my_conservative_friends_keep_warning_me_that/
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Why can you see through Caitlyn Jenner's mom?

Because she's a trans-parent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v5aqc/why_can_you_see_through_caitlyn_jenners_mom/
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What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot, you fucking racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v53bp/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_flying_a_plane/
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What do you call an attraction to both genders but a preference for one?

A bi-as

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v539o/what_do_you_call_an_attraction_to_both_genders/
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My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire

Great guy, horrible firefighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v4yak/my_father_always_told_me_you_gotta_fight_fire/
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Bigamist…

What an Italian calls very thick fog...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v4x5n/bigamist/
%
When my girlfriend broke up with me, I handed her a letter that said, “Great job. Thank you.”

I wanted things to end on a positive note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v4wbd/when_my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_i_handed_her/
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I can still remember playtime at school, A bit of footie, sneaking a quick cigarette & trying to finger girls behind the bike shed.

I fucking miss that caretakers job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v4sfv/i_can_still_remember_playtime_at_school_a_bit_of/
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Please be careful!!!!! don't know if this is a scam, I've just received a phone call saying I've won tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show then it said.

Just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v4pow/please_be_careful_dont_know_if_this_is_a_scam_ive/
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Cop's first day

Determined to do well on his first day on the job, a rookie cop is out on his beat at 6am. The first person he sees on the street is an old man walking a brick on a leash. He thinks this man must be a bit slow so decides to be as friendly as he can.
Cop: Good morning.
Man: Morning
Cop: That's a nice, ah, dog, you have there.
Man: Are you fucking stupid? That's a brick.
The cop is a bit shocked by the man's response, so he mumbles his goodbye and walks on.
The man looks back over his shoulder til he's sure the cop is out of earshot, then leans over to the brick and says; 'Haha, fooled him didn't we Rover?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v4l9s/cops_first_day/
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What’s the difference between a pizza and a hippy chick?

You don’t peel the crust off the pizza before you eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v4kwq/whats_the_difference_between_a_pizza_and_a_hippy/
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A robber broke into my house the other day looking for money

So I woke up and looked with him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v4egn/a_robber_broke_into_my_house_the_other_day/
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I was double majoring in cloning and hide-and-seek

But I had to take a year off to find myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v4dlx/i_was_double_majoring_in_cloning_and_hideandseek/
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Man in a bar (I apologize in advance if it's a repost. New to me)

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’
Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’
‘Mick phoned .... you know you left your wheelchair at the Pub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v4art/man_in_a_bar_i_apologize_in_advance_if_its_a/
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What's the statisticians favorite sauce?

Tztatisiki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v488d/whats_the_statisticians_favorite_sauce/
%
I went to a karaoke bar yesterday that didn't play any 70s music

At first i was afraid, i was petrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v46w7/i_went_to_a_karaoke_bar_yesterday_that_didnt_play/
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How do you catch an elephant?

First you dig a big hole and fill it with ashes. Next you put peas around the hole. When it comes to take a pea you kick it in the ash hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v42zb/how_do_you_catch_an_elephant/
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Two nuns in a forest at night.

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v3wvo/two_nuns_in_a_forest_at_night/
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Why did the furniture store donate so much?

They have a lot of chair-ity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v3wgt/why_did_the_furniture_store_donate_so_much/
%
If cancer hurts

Is it a growing pain?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v3v0i/if_cancer_hurts/
%
Why did the tire fall off?

It was wheely bad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v3tis/why_did_the_tire_fall_off/
%
The Hunter

A guy wakes up one Saturday morning to go hunting. However, it's raining and his wife doesn't want to go sit in the rain and says "I don't want to go hunting!"
The husband turns and says, " Well if you're not going, either I get to fuck you in the ass or you're sucking my dick! Now I'm going to get the dogs ready. I'll be back."
The husband comes back and he says "So?" And the wife says " Well I'm not letting you fuck me in the ass so I guess I'll suck your dick!"
So she starts sucking him off and says "Eww your dick tastes like shit!" And he replies "Yeah the dogs didn't want to go hunting either"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v3rok/the_hunter/
%
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?

Tenants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v3n4i/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_fill_an_apartment/
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Why did Rihanna abandon the Catholic faith?

She found love in a Popeless place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v3m13/why_did_rihanna_abandon_the_catholic_faith/
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I would say my girlfriend is about the square root of -100 probably

10, but also imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v3ize/i_would_say_my_girlfriend_is_about_the_square/
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What’s worse than having a shrimp on your piano?

Having a crab on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v3fve/whats_worse_than_having_a_shrimp_on_your_piano/
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Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am

independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v3dxb/turned_18_today_so_i_bought_a_locket_and_put_my/
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I had plans to go to the beach today, but the skies are cloudy and it is raining

It's really irrigating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v3dx4/i_had_plans_to_go_to_the_beach_today_but_the/
%
A Woman Walks Into a Tattoo Parlor...

...and says to the artist, "I'd like a tattoo of Johnny Cash on the inside of my left thigh, and a tattoo of Hank Williams on the inside of my right thigh."
She sits in the chair and the artist goes to work.  When he's finished, he shows her the results with a mirror, but the woman is unimpressed.  "That doesn't look a thing like Johnny Cash and Hank Williams!" she complains.
The tattoo artist, defending his work, suggests an outside opinion might help settle the matter.  He goes out onto the sidewalk and comes back with an old wino.  He stands the wino in front of the woman's spread legs and says, "Who are those men?"
The wino takes a long look, scratches his chin, and says, "I don't recognize either of those fellers on the left and right, but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v3baw/a_woman_walks_into_a_tattoo_parlor/
%
I met a man in prison who said he was a conductor...

I found this especially true when I saw him on the electric chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v39a7/i_met_a_man_in_prison_who_said_he_was_a_conductor/
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A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v38ig/a_woman_asked_a_general_in_the_army_the_last_time/
%
Trump calls Queen Elizabeth II on the phone

They discussed politics, Brexit, and many other things for a few minutes, before Trump started off a new topic tangent;
"You know, I've been thinking, and your country- and may I say, it used be be a YUGE empire but is now full of migrants from shithole countries- is ruled by a monarch, so it's called a monarchy, right?"
"Yes, Mr. Trump, that's correct."
"Okay, okay, so then a country like Monaco, at least the parts that aren't no go zones filled with some very BAD people, believe me - is ruled by a prince, so it's called a principality, right?"
"Yes, Mr. Trump."
"Okay, so I was thinking, in order to make America great again, we need to rename ourselves a 'Presidentiality'. What do ya think?"
"Well, Mr. Trump, at the moment I think calling it a country suits things just fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v37ru/trump_calls_queen_elizabeth_ii_on_the_phone/
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How do you greet a very clean woman?

Hi Jean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v36ui/how_do_you_greet_a_very_clean_woman/
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Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked paddy
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v368e/who_is_calling/
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What’s the difference between a lightbulb and pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a lightbulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v30g5/whats_the_difference_between_a_lightbulb_and/
%
How does Jesus make his tea?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v2g8b/how_does_jesus_make_his_tea/
%
What did one snowman say to the other?

Does it smell like carrots out here to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v2fh3/what_did_one_snowman_say_to_the_other/
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Whenever I win a competition people call me boastful and arrogant. But how can I be Low Key...

When I'm not the son of Odin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v29ni/whenever_i_win_a_competition_people_call_me/
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A man stands up to give a toast at his best friend's wedding

He says "I was told that a wedding toast should only last as long as the groom lasts in bed. So goodnight everyone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v28u3/a_man_stands_up_to_give_a_toast_at_his_best/
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What’s DJ Khaled say his favorite gaming system is?

Wii the best

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v27yr/whats_dj_khaled_say_his_favorite_gaming_system_is/
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It's not you, it's me...

Some Asians viewing their group photos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v27ib/its_not_you_its_me/
%
The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'
After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'
The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'
First: 'really whys that?'
Second: ''cause when i bit her ass she farted in my face and then flew out the window'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v24ae/the_madam_tell_her_girls_just_give_those_guys/
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Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?

Even thoughts can raise them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v2185/why_are_penises_the_lightest_things_in_the_world/
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My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle

I rode on, ruthlessly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1ry5/my_girlfriend_ruth_fell_off_the_back_of_my/
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Beside the sidewalk, someone left a plastic bag with a set of German team uniforms inside. Cannot believe that! Just throw it here??!

It costs 50 cents in supermarket for such a big plastic bag!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1r3m/beside_the_sidewalk_someone_left_a_plastic_bag/
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Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

They don't like any witnesses...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1r2m/why_dont_italians_like_jehovahs_witnesses/
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A couple go into a furniture shop, looking for a couch

A salesman asked them how their search is going.
The man replies, "Sofa so good".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1oa0/a_couple_go_into_a_furniture_shop_looking_for_a/
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So a ham walks into a bar

And immediately sits down at the bar and orders a sandwich
The bartender looks over and says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1n1j/so_a_ham_walks_into_a_bar/
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I found a hole in one of my trainers at the gym today, so i put my finger in it.

She reported me and I got banned for life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1mbl/i_found_a_hole_in_one_of_my_trainers_at_the_gym/
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I was arrested for putting my penis into a stranger's grandfather clock.

I'm still doing time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1m4z/i_was_arrested_for_putting_my_penis_into_a/
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What did the fire couple name their son?

Arson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1lba/what_did_the_fire_couple_name_their_son/
%
What do you call a mobster who’s been dead six hours?

Rigatoni.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1kyz/what_do_you_call_a_mobster_whos_been_dead_six/
%
To the person who invented zero

Thanks for nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1kma/to_the_person_who_invented_zero/
%
WHAT YOU CALL A GAY DINOSAUR

Mega,sore,ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1iou/what_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
I was trying to find out where my local pelt-merchant was hosting a “Lupine Designs” fashion gala for his fellow lycanthropes this year

So I asked “Where is the werewolf’s wolf-wares warehouse where werewolves wear wolves’ wares?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1i2m/i_was_trying_to_find_out_where_my_local/
%
I used to date a twin a few years back. People would ask me how I could tell the difference between the two.

It was in fact quite easy. There were subtle but notable differences. For example my gf had a small birthmark right below her left ear on her neck and she always painted her nails a ruby shade.
Her brother Dave had a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1gba/i_used_to_date_a_twin_a_few_years_back_people/
%
Hey, are you a paleontologist?

Because I’ve got a massive bone in my pants for you to study.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1dr8/hey_are_you_a_paleontologist/
%
My doctor told me I was fat. I asked for a second opinion.

He told me I was stupid too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1don/my_doctor_told_me_i_was_fat_i_asked_for_a_second/
%
Trump Space Force

Did you hear Trump is going build a Space Force?
Uranus is going to pay for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1cv6/trump_space_force/
%
A guy walks into a psychiatric ward to visit his old man.

As he sits down in the recreation room with his dad, he spots a schizophrenic kid standing on the table.
The kid starts targeting each person in the room, busting out the freshest, most incredible 'yo mama' jokes he's ever heard; true originality at its best.
"That's incredible," he says to his old man, "That kid's got an insane dis ability!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1cp0/a_guy_walks_into_a_psychiatric_ward_to_visit_his/
%
Judge: Why did you kill your wife?

Me: I didn't want her to see me die.
Judge: But you didn't die.
Me: Yes, I suddenly felt much better when she was dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1cgr/judge_why_did_you_kill_your_wife/
%
What's worse than an elephant in the china shop?

A hedgehog in the condom factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v195e/whats_worse_than_an_elephant_in_the_china_shop/
%
I asked my kids, "Why isn't an iPhone charger...?"

"...called Apple Juice?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v1958/i_asked_my_kids_why_isnt_an_iphone_charger/
%
What was the codename for the transition from Obama to Trump?

Orange is the new black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v17wn/what_was_the_codename_for_the_transition_from/
%
My dad always said, "No news is good news"

Great guy, awful journalist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v14x0/my_dad_always_said_no_news_is_good_news/
%
My girlfriend has been off with me recently.

I need to buy some new batteries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v13bl/my_girlfriend_has_been_off_with_me_recently/
%
What's cooler than a talking dog?

A spelling bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v12c9/whats_cooler_than_a_talking_dog/
%
A developer finds a talking frog.

It says "Kiss me and I will become a princess". But he just puts she into his jacket and keeps on working.
During Lunch the frog jumps out of his jacket and says again "Kiss me and I will become your princess". But he just puts her back again.
In the evening she asks "Why won't you kiss me?" - "I don't have time for a girlfriend but a talking frog is funny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v11hf/a_developer_finds_a_talking_frog/
%
The Italian Poker Club

Six retired Italian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"  They cut the cards.  Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.  They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet?  I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.  Discretion is my middle name.  Leave it to me!"
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Pasquale says, "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v10sc/the_italian_poker_club/
%
My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…

Mostly because his name is Steve…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v10jl/my_boss_really_hates_it_when_i_shorten_his_name/
%
What do you call clothes for wheels?

A Tire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v0zhz/what_do_you_call_clothes_for_wheels/
%
What were the pirates’ favorite letters?

They didn’t have one, they were illiterate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v0wtt/what_were_the_pirates_favorite_letters/
%
Why do socialists only drink decaffeinated tea?

Because proper tea is theft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v0pol/why_do_socialists_only_drink_decaffeinated_tea/
%
Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandanavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v0nmw/why_does_the_norway_navy_have_bar_codes_on_the/
%
My wife left a note on the refrigerator for me...

"It's not working anymore.  I just don't know what to do. I'm going to stay with my mother for awhile."
I opened the door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v0ml8/my_wife_left_a_note_on_the_refrigerator_for_me/
%
My favourite bar Joke. A man walks into a Bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man tells him "I just found out my wife is cheating on me and I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry about what happened, but I'm not going to help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do if you found out your wife cheated on you?"
The bartender thinks for a moment and then replies "If I found out a someone was sleeping with my wife I would find him and I would kill the him."
The man looks up and say "You're right, good idea" and trudges out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill him?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v0l69/my_favourite_bar_joke_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v0kdq/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
%
We lost our father after an accident because

we couldn't remember what blood type he had to tell the EMT.
Dad kept screaming for us to "Be Positive", but it's really hard with him gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v0hdi/we_lost_our_father_after_an_accident_because/
%
There are three monsters that live in my house and steal all of my money,

I like to call them, “the accidents,” but my wife insists on calling them our children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v0dyu/there_are_three_monsters_that_live_in_my_house/
%
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy...

There was this beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered.
“No, this is my first time”
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused, so she looked all around the store to see if it was empty, and it was.
“Just a minute,” she said, and walked to the door, locking it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
“Do these excite you,” she asked
Well, I was so dumb struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said that it was the time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties, and laid down on a desk.
“Well, come on,” she said, “we don’t have much time.” So, I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that I could no longer hold it back, and BOOM, I was done with it in a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
“Did you put that condom on?” She asked.
“I’m sure I did,” and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v06sn/i_recall_my_first_time_with_a_condom_i_was_16_or/
%
What's the most dangerous Caribbean food?

Ricin peas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v04sm/whats_the_most_dangerous_caribbean_food/
%
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v02zh/what_did_one_ocean_say_to_the_other_ocean/
%
My girlfriend sent me something unexpected.

I was having trouble with a chemistry pop quiz in school. I texted her "Sn?" She sent nudes. I just needed to know what Sn meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8v00sp/my_girlfriend_sent_me_something_unexpected/
%
I used to have this on my Tinder profile to introduce myself to guys...

Im like a microwave: easy to turn on, warm on the inside and if you put a baby inside me I’ll kill it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uzyqt/i_used_to_have_this_on_my_tinder_profile_to/
%
Bible study

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.
“Correct,” says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.
“Correct again,” says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uzvwe/bible_study/
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If I ask a Catholic sister to work for me as a manager ...

Does that make her nun of my business?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uzvla/if_i_ask_a_catholic_sister_to_work_for_me_as_a/
%
A chemist went to see a doctor

"Doctor, I don't feel thirst and keep finding myself always dehydrated". "Drink 8 glasses of fluid a day as a guideline" adviced the doctor.
"Can I count in fruit juice?" asked the man. "Since they do contain a bit of sugar, don't forget to supplement the fluid intake with H20 too" replied the doctor.
"You sure doc? I have to drink H20 too?" the man queried. "Yes, it is vital to your bodily functions, 8 glasses a day should be enough" the doctor answered. The chemist trusted the doctor and followed the advice.
A few days later, the chemist was found dead in his apartment due to hydrogen peroxide poisoning.
He took the doctor's advice two litrerally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uzved/a_chemist_went_to_see_a_doctor/
%
My book on Nordic cultures is taking a long time to write

I don’t think I’ll ever make it to the Finnish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uzuyr/my_book_on_nordic_cultures_is_taking_a_long_time/
%
Did you know the first condoms were invented by the Welsh out of sheep's intestines?

The English improved on the invention by taking the intestines out of the sheep before using them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uztvd/did_you_know_the_first_condoms_were_invented_by/
%
My wife suggested I look into getting a penis enlarger...

So I did. She’s 24 and her name is Heather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uzthy/my_wife_suggested_i_look_into_getting_a_penis/
%
V

Sorry lost control there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uzrtw/v/
%
Jokes are just like presidents of the United States.

They're old and they're just here to get votes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uzonn/jokes_are_just_like_presidents_of_the_united/
%
I was about to tell you a joke about an emo pentagon

But it was too edgy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uzmfc/i_was_about_to_tell_you_a_joke_about_an_emo/
%
What do you call a musician with problems

A trebled man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uzcm9/what_do_you_call_a_musician_with_problems/
%
My uncle Marty's drivin' home, right?

My uncle Marty's
drivin' home, right?
Bombed out of his tree, right? Just
hammered out of his gourd. Just wrecked.
This state trooper sees him, pulls him
over. So my uncle's fucked basically.
Got him out of the car,
tryin' to make him walk the line.
He gets out of the car, pukes,
and the statie's pretty sure
he's over the legal limit.
So he's about to throw the cuffs
on him and put him in jail.
All of a sudden, 50 yards down the road,
there's this huge fuckin' boom.
Statie gets real spooked.
He turns around. Some other guy's car had hit a tree.
There was an accident.
So he tells my uncle,
"Stay here. Don't move."
Statie goes runnin' down the road
to deal with the other accident.
After a few minutes of just
lyin' in his own piss and vomit, my uncle starts wonderin'
what he's doin' there. Gets up, gets in his car
and just drives home.
The next mornin'
my uncle's just passed out.
\- He hears this knockin' at the door.
So he goes downstairs,
pulls the door open-- "What?" It's the state trooper
that pulled him over. Statie says, "Fuck you mean, 'What?' You know what. I pulled you over
last night is what, and you took off."
He's like, "l never
seen you before in my life.
I've been home all night with my kids.
I don't know who the fuck you are."
He's like, "You know who I am.
Let me get in your garage."
My uncle's like, "What?" He said, "You
heard me. Let me get in your garage."
He was like, "All right. Fine." Takes
him out to the garage, opens the door.
And there's-- The statie's police
cruiser is in my uncle's garage.
He was so fuckin' hammered
he drove the wrong car home.
The best part about it is,
the fuckin' state trooper...was so embarrassed
he didn't do anything. He'd been drivin' around all night in my
uncle's Chevelle, lookin' for the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uzbsc/my_uncle_martys_drivin_home_right/
%
I was addicted to lunch meats, but I quit cold turkey.

I'm still hooked on salami and roast beef though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uz78h/i_was_addicted_to_lunch_meats_but_i_quit_cold/
%
Johnny is very excited to go on his very first date....

...so he goes to pick up his date. Now Johnny is a pretty hip guy with his own car; when he knocks on the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Johnny.
Carrie's father asks Johnny what they're planning to do. Johnny replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Johnny, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Johnny's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little mini skirt and announces that she is ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Johnny proudly escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uz5t2/johnny_is_very_excited_to_go_on_his_very_first/
%
What’s the most popular first date spot in Alabama?

Olive Garden: when you’re here, you’re family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uz40z/whats_the_most_popular_first_date_spot_in_alabama/
%
Two potatoes are standing on the street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

It has a sticker that says IDAHO.
(I'll hide under a rock now)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uz2dg/two_potatoes_are_standing_on_the_street_corner/
%
Three guys are doing heroin in a back alley...

The first guy takes an alcohol swab and wipes the needle down, then injects the heroin into his arm. He then passes the needle to the next guy, who swabs the needle, then injects the drug. After taking his drug, he hands the needle to the third one, who grabs the needle and jams it into his arm, without even sterilizing the needle with the alcohol. The other two scream at him, “Are you crazy!?? You’re gonna get AIDS.” The third man merely chuckles and replies, “Don’t be stupid, I’m wearing a condom!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uyy9z/three_guys_are_doing_heroin_in_a_back_alley/
%
NSFW -- what's the difference between hippy girls and pizza?

You don't have to peel the crust off the pizza before you eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uywgc/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_hippy_girls_and/
%
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uywdq/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
I have a friend who's half Portuguese and half Jewish

He's a janitor, but the building is his.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uyw8t/i_have_a_friend_whos_half_portuguese_and_half/
%
Where do skeletons go for a fun night out?

Anywhere as long as it's a hip joint!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uyvmn/where_do_skeletons_go_for_a_fun_night_out/
%
What does an imposter potato say?

“I’m a tater”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uyo2p/what_does_an_imposter_potato_say/
%
Someone once told me that wearing crocs is like getting a BJ from a guy

Might feel good an all, but once you look down you realize...... You're gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uymi0/someone_once_told_me_that_wearing_crocs_is_like/
%
How do dogs make a sauce?

They start with a rooooux!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uym90/how_do_dogs_make_a_sauce/
%
So I'm sitting there watching TV with my dad when commercials come on.

T.V.: *"Taco Bell's taco 12-pack says, 'my 11 friends and I are set..."*
Me: "HA! More like I'M set."
Dad: "I know, right? You don't even have 11 friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uyjtf/so_im_sitting_there_watching_tv_with_my_dad_when/
%
It used to be called a jumpoline until

Back in ‘82 your mom got on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uyj4x/it_used_to_be_called_a_jumpoline_until/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon

Good food but bad atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uyhy7/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uygm6/whats_black_and_screams/
%
An orchestra which can play electrifying music...

...must have a good conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uygdg/an_orchestra_which_can_play_electrifying_music/
%
Who does the tow truck call?

Who does the tow truck call when they break down?
The foot truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uyewb/who_does_the_tow_truck_call/
%
I used to be addicted to soap

But I’m clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uyd7g/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
Why aren’t Koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koalafications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uycqz/why_arent_koalas_actual_bears/
%
The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uyc6q/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a girl hanging off the back of a fishing boat?

Annette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uyb9f/what_do_you_call_a_girl_hanging_off_the_back_of_a/
%
Hilarious cow jokes

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
- tri-tip
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
- lean beef
What do you call a cow with 1 leg?
- steak
What do you call a cow with no legs?
- ground beef
What do you call a cow who works out?
- shredded beef
What do you call a masturbating cow?
- beef stroganoff
Why does the milk stool only have three legs?
- because the cow has the udder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uy9ol/hilarious_cow_jokes/
%
I was in bed, and I started pulling off my Boxers

My wife yelled, “stop doing that to the fucking dogs you freak!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uy7sa/i_was_in_bed_and_i_started_pulling_off_my_boxers/
%
Last week I haden't even heard of the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon...

Now it seems like everyone is talking about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uy7qo/last_week_i_hadent_even_heard_of_the/
%
I went to an archaeologist’s party where we were excavating a lower leg bone.

It was quite the shindig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uy2zz/i_went_to_an_archaeologists_party_where_we_were/
%
Answer

My fourteen-year-old son and I were lying on our backs on the grass in the park, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, “Dad, why are we here?”
And this is what I said:
“I’ve thought a lot about it, son, and I don’t think it’s all that complicated. I think maybe we’re here just to teach a kid how to bunt or how to eat sunflower seeds without using his hands.
“We’re here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Soxcap and the Converse sneakers we lettered in on a Saturday morning, with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be.
“I don’t think the meaning of life is worrying over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We’re here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn’t.
“See, grown-ups spend so much time slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy, when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We’re not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven.
“Does that answer your question, son?”
“Not really, Dad,” he said.
“No?”
And he said, “No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up forty minutes ago?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uy0p4/answer/
%
I lost my job as an architect after my first day

Apparently a revolving mosque makes it difficult to pray towards Mecca.
Credit: comedian Milton Jones, king of the one-liners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uxzo2/i_lost_my_job_as_an_architect_after_my_first_day/
%
How do you turn a fox into a hippo?

marry it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uxs2f/how_do_you_turn_a_fox_into_a_hippo/
%
A boy asks his dad "Dad what's an alcoholic?"

Dad replied: "Well son, do you see those 2 yellow cars over there? An alcoholic would see 4"
The son responded: "But dad, I can only see 1 car"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uxq5g/a_boy_asks_his_dad_dad_whats_an_alcoholic/
%
By then end of my lifetime, I will have cause tens of thousands of ejaculations.

Single-handedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uxogk/by_then_end_of_my_lifetime_i_will_have_cause_tens/
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I lost my job as a supermarket assistant.

That's the last time anyone will ask me to show them the meat section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uxo94/i_lost_my_job_as_a_supermarket_assistant/
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A man rushes into a bar,

he orders up two shots of bourbon.  As soon as the bartender puts them in front of him, the guy slams them down his throat.
"Two more!", the man requests.
The bartender, frowning, pours two more shots.  Immediately the man downs both.
"Keep 'em coming - TWO MORE!", he demands.
The bartender advises, "You should slow down there buddy?"
The man replies, "Hey!  If you had what I have, you'd be drinkin' this way too!"
The bartender, embarrased, apologizes pouring two more, "I'm sorry man.  What have you got?"
The guy explains, "A buck-fifty"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uxnxa/a_man_rushes_into_a_bar/
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"What are the chances of me dying?" I asked my skydiving instructor, moments before jumping.

"Very high," he said. "My wife just left me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uxm3u/what_are_the_chances_of_me_dying_i_asked_my/
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A man in a business suit walks into a bar during normal working hours

He yells "Barkeep! I'll have a shot and a beer"
Bartender pours his drinks and slides them over to the man.
The man pounds the shot and takes a sip of his beer. He smiles at the barkeeper and says, "That's certainly refreshing after the day I've had"
The Bartender replies, "I was wondering why a man in a suit like yours was drinking in a bar like mine at 2pm"
The man replies, "I just got laid off from my job as store manager selling European luxury goods. Whole store is shutting down"
The bartender says, "I'm sorry to hear that; but you seem to still be in good spirits"
The man shrugs and says, "Well when one Dior closes; another opens"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uxllf/a_man_in_a_business_suit_walks_into_a_bar_during/
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My father was never proud me.

When I was child he asked, "How old are you now son?"
"I'm 5."
He replied, "When I was your age I was 6."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uxlf6/my_father_was_never_proud_me/
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An ancient Greek walks into his tailor's shop...

...with a pair of torn pants.
Euripides? Asked the tailor.
Eumenides? Replied the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uxk0f/an_ancient_greek_walks_into_his_tailors_shop/
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uxgje/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
Why should you always carry arms with you?

They might come in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uxet7/why_should_you_always_carry_arms_with_you/
%
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

Are you having a crisis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ux9n9/what_do_you_say_to_your_sister_when_shes_crying/
%
A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature.

Last heard, he's 0K now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ux8ky/a_man_got_cooled_to_absolute_zero_temperature/
%
"What's your favourite position?" asked my date.

I said, "It's the spider."
She said, "I don't know it."
"Well," I said, "it's when I stand in a corner of the room and you scream naughty things at me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ux87p/whats_your_favourite_position_asked_my_date/
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Diary of a Mad Snow Shoveler

December 1st: The wife and I decided to move to Canada, it was all my idea and she seems alright with it. I am so glad that we love each other so much.
December 8th: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It was the perfect picture and it was so romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9th: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. I started to shovel for the first time in years and it honestly made me feel like a little boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12th: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. It was such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14th: Snow lovely snow! We got 8" of it last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life, but the snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so much.
December 15th: The weather channel said there was 20 inches of snow in the forecast. I sold my van, bought a 4x4 Blazer, snow tires for the wife's car, 2 extra shovels and I stocked the freezer. On the way I even saw a reindeer they are so majestic I love them so much. When I went home the wife told me that she wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly, we aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16th: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass while walking on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Shit hurt like hell, and the wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17th: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours, and I had to pile blankets on me to stay warm. There was nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. I guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I will never admit that to her, because I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own damn living room.
December 20th: Electricity turned back on today, but we had another 14" of the fucking slop last night, and like usual there was more shoveling. It took me all day to shovel it because the goddamn snowplow came by twice. I tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they were too busy playing hockey. Personally I think they were all lying, so I called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they were all out. They said that they might have another shipment in March. Who the hell would want to wait that long when we’re suffering now? Bob said I had to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I’m sick of his attitude; he’s starting to piss me off.
December 21st: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a snowplow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the fucking asshole is lying, it looks like he likes to taunt me… bastard...
December 22nd: On my way to the store I saw another reindeer, God I hate those animals. I tried to run one over but I unfortunately missed. I wish someone could come and exterminate the pieces of shit.
December 23rd: Well I was pleasantly surprised we only had 2" of snow today. And it finally warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she fucking nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
December 24th: We got 6 more inches of the shit today. Snow was packed up so hard by the snowplow that I broke the shovel. For a second I thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at like 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25th: Merry Fucking Christmas, 20 more inches of the fucking slop tonight, and best of all we were snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my fucking shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s fucking dumb. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to fucking murder her.
December 26th: Still snowed in. Why the hell did we ever move here? It was all HER idea... the bitch is really getting on my nerves.
December 27th: Well the temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. I am really starting to hate Canada.
December 28th: It warmed up to above -20, we are still snowed in, and like always the retarded Christmas elf that I live with is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29th: 10 more inches came down last night. Bob says I would have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard, how dumb does he think I am?
December 30th: The roof caved in.... The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars because of the bump on the head. The wife left me and went home to her mother. Good!! She was really pissing me off.
December 31st: Well I set fire to what's left of the house. Finally there is no more goddamn shoveling.
January 1st: Well some guys came over today and took me somewhere…
January 8th: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ux6v8/diary_of_a_mad_snow_shoveler/
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I like my women like I like my golf game,

mid-80s with a slight handicap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ux5ew/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_golf_game/
%
I was at the zoo with my daughter.

She said, "Daddy! Why are the monkeys throwing their poo around?"
I said, "I don't know, honey. I guess it's their way of communicating."
She said, "Well, they're certainly eating their words now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ux49m/i_was_at_the_zoo_with_my_daughter/
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Ever since my kid told me that he's transgender, people don't seem to notice me anymore...

I guess that's what I get for being a transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ux40m/ever_since_my_kid_told_me_that_hes_transgender/
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I bought some of that emo grass seed, it's brilliant.

The grass cuts itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uwz18/i_bought_some_of_that_emo_grass_seed_its_brilliant/
%
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uwuv8/what_do_dale_earnhardt_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
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Surgeons are terrible in relationships.

They know everyone’s the same on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uwp1c/surgeons_are_terrible_in_relationships/
%
My friend's girlfriend left him for a guy she had known for just 7 days.

Talk about a week relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uwf2n/my_friends_girlfriend_left_him_for_a_guy_she_had/
%
Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently "in 4K ultra high definition" was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uw4zn/today_i_was_asked_how_i_view_lesbian_relationships/
%
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uw2zy/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
%
If women think all men are the same

...why do they take so long to choose one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uw2by/if_women_think_all_men_are_the_same/
%
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uvzwp/i_asked_my_wife_to_dress_up_as_my_favourite_star/
%
The Swiss embassy has had it’s flag stolen.

Ambassadors are nonplussed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uvvb4/the_swiss_embassy_has_had_its_flag_stolen/
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You shouldn't make jokes about drug addiction.

It's a methed up thing to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uvuv5/you_shouldnt_make_jokes_about_drug_addiction/
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They always wonder if looks could could kill, well my looks sure did

They killed my chances of ever getting laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uvu29/they_always_wonder_if_looks_could_could_kill_well/
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What did the annoyed doctor say to the radiologist?

You’re testing my patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uvrjx/what_did_the_annoyed_doctor_say_to_the_radiologist/
%
This guy sent me an unsolicited picture of his penis.

What a dick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uvnp0/this_guy_sent_me_an_unsolicited_picture_of_his/
%
Velcro sucks!

It’s such a rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uvklu/velcro_sucks/
%
A blonde goes into a drycleaners...

Picking up her dress she turns to leave.
The assistant says "Come again". The blonde replies "No, this time it's only toothpaste!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uvdpw/a_blonde_goes_into_a_drycleaners/
%
3 Bank Robbers enter a small bank.

The leader of the three bank robbers says:
“You two, go to the safe, and grab all the money there is. I’ll be on crowd control”
The two go to the safe, then proceed to blow up the safe, thus opening it.
After a few minutes, the two come back to the lobby of the bank, and says:
“There’s no money in the safe. Want me to check the registers?”
The crowd controller says: “Yeah. Check the registers.”
A minute later, someone comes back and says:
“There’s no money in the registers. I don’t think this was the bank we were supposed to hit.”
Someone from the crowd yells;
“Why do you think we were out here lining up and yelling before you idiots entered? There no money in any banks here anywhere.”
The crowd control guy checks his phone, and he says:
“He’s right. Pack it up. I forgot we were in Greece.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uvclb/3_bank_robbers_enter_a_small_bank/
%
I was once attacked by a group of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uv9gp/i_was_once_attacked_by_a_group_of_mimes/
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When i first heard what Stockholm Syndrome was i didn't like it

but then it started to grow on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uv5bq/when_i_first_heard_what_stockholm_syndrome_was_i/
%
After 10 years of raising their child

, the mother notices that the kid looks different.
So, she decided to do a DNA test.
The results come out, and show that the child isn't theirs.
She tells her husband, "I have some terrible news, dear. This is not our baby!".
The husband replies, "yes, do you not remember?
When we were about to leave the hospital, you noticed that the baby had wet it's daipers and told me 'honey, go change the baby' ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uv4l4/after_10_years_of_raising_their_child/
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Why did the watch company start their own ISP?

Because they had the time and the band width.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uv3gb/why_did_the_watch_company_start_their_own_isp/
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How do you kill a Fox?

Cut his leg off and make him run across Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uv35v/how_do_you_kill_a_fox/
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What do Smurfette and Picasso have in common?

They both went through blue periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uv2l0/what_do_smurfette_and_picasso_have_in_common/
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Two engineers walk into a bar..

And order two beers.
The bartender says "I was expecting infinite number of mathematicians"
The engineer says "Nah. We just like to round off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uv1of/two_engineers_walk_into_a_bar/
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In the list of groundbreaking inventions

No one ever mentions shovels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uuzm2/in_the_list_of_groundbreaking_inventions/
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A struggling SoundCloud rapper decides to get a job as a farmer...

He now produces his own beets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uuzka/a_struggling_soundcloud_rapper_decides_to_get_a/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a steak hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the bartender, "Why is there a piece of steak hanging from the ceiling?
The bartender replies, "If somebody jumps and manages to hit the steak, all drinks will be free for the entire night. However, if somebody tries and misses, they will have to buy drinks for everybody else for the entire night. Would you like to try?"
The man thinks about it and replies, "No thanks, the stakes are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uuwqs/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_steak_hanging/
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Why are all the greatest historians named Victor?

Because history is written by the Victors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uuuhc/why_are_all_the_greatest_historians_named_victor/
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How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?

Konnichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uutly/how_do_japanese_chihuahuas_say_hello/
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I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex

He is a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uui6k/i_buy_my_guns_from_a_guy_named_trex/
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Roses are red, you're a liar

Harry, did you put your name in the goblet of fire?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uui4t/roses_are_red_youre_a_liar/
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Why I am leaving this sub:

She refused to do as I had asked. I do not have tolerance for disobedient submissives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uuhif/why_i_am_leaving_this_sub/
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They stopped putting pictures of missing kids on milk cartons, and started posting them on r/jokes

They get much wider coverage.  No one reposts more than r/jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uuhh7/they_stopped_putting_pictures_of_missing_kids_on/
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People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fuck off.

What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uug0d/people_who_get_offended_when_i_breastfeed_in/
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Don’t you hate when a joke repeats its first line in the title and in the text area

, but you still get suckered into reading the whole thing over again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uufas/dont_you_hate_when_a_joke_repeats_its_first_line/
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My girlfriend reentered the room and looked at my computer screen.

"What the fuck is that?" she asked.
I said, "It's a woman masturbating."
"Why is this on your computer screen?"
"I thought you wanted to watch a chick flick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uuf1o/my_girlfriend_reentered_the_room_and_looked_at_my/
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What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uuf08/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uuen5/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_today/
%
There was a shooting at my local brothel and everyone was killed but the owner.

He's asking for Thots and Players.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uuba9/there_was_a_shooting_at_my_local_brothel_and/
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The world's toughest cowboy.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.
A night of tall tales commences.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uu9fo/the_worlds_toughest_cowboy/
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Did you know Vans and Sperry's used to be one shoe company?

The company was called Vanes. There was some dissension among the employees, so they agreed to split into two companies. The first one became Vans, and the second one got the Spare 'E'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uu845/did_you_know_vans_and_sperrys_used_to_be_one_shoe/
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10 guys are sitting around watching the news,

10 guys are sitting around watching the news:
"... and new research says that one in 10 men are gay..."
Tom pipes up, "Wow, there's 10 of us here, so one of us might be gay?"
Peter says "I'll bet it's Kevin. He's really hot." and all the guys nod along.
And Joe says "Yeah, it's definitely Kevin. His dick always tastes like shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uu058/10_guys_are_sitting_around_watching_the_news/
%
my dream of becoming a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!

now I just have to work on the lawyer part

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8utwwk/my_dream_of_becoming_a_criminal_lawyer_is_halfway/
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How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts to fit into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8utwsu/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
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How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your door?

The knocking is off rhythm and they don’t know when to come in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8utnbn/how_do_you_know_when_a_bass_player_and_drummer/
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What happens when a shoe dies?

It's sole goes to heaven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8utm18/what_happens_when_a_shoe_dies/
%
When I was in middle school, my "friends" used to force me to eat vegetables until I almost threw up.

They even started sending me pictures of vegetables on the internet, threatening to make me eat lettuce until I was sick. To this day, I still suffer from the effects of their rampant and traumatic fiber-bullying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uthuj/when_i_was_in_middle_school_my_friends_used_to/
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When you throw away your receipt before leaving Costco

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ut62f/when_you_throw_away_your_receipt_before_leaving/
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I’ve just got home to find that the turf I laid last week has been stolen.

My girlfriend is outside now, looking forlorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ut4wb/ive_just_got_home_to_find_that_the_turf_i_laid/
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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. (Repost I'm pretty sure but you'll live)

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ut2mq/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
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They say if you do what you love, then you’ll never work another day in your life.

I think they were right: I punched my boss in the face and I haven’t worked a day since!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ut01w/they_say_if_you_do_what_you_love_then_youll_never/
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How does a Scotsman find his sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8usvxl/how_does_a_scotsman_find_his_sheep_in_tall_grass/
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I understand that some people don't like when I poke fun at God or religion

but, it's always been a blasphemy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8usvlb/i_understand_that_some_people_dont_like_when_i/
%
I got stoned in Saudi Arabia

Got to say it was less enjoyable than it was in Amsterdam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8usqt2/i_got_stoned_in_saudi_arabia/
%
There are 10 kinds of people in the world...

Those who know binary, those who don’t, and those who didn’t expect the joke to be in base 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uspr4/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
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I scared my mailman by showing up to the door completely naked.

Not sure what scared him more; my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8usjdo/i_scared_my_mailman_by_showing_up_to_the_door/
%
Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.
Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".
Trump asks the European why it would cost seven million and he says "four for paint, one for workers, and three for my profit."
Finally trump asks the Turk why it would cost 10 million dollars and he says "three for me, four for you, and give three to the Chinese guy and let the fucker paint"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8usd56/trump_wants_to_paint_the_whitehouse_he_asks_for_a/
%
Masturbation always leads to sex....

It's a gateway tug...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uscwq/masturbation_always_leads_to_sex/
%
How to build a wall

If Trump ever needs help with the wall to Mexico he should ask the Swedish National Football Team, they did a pretty good job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uscsa/how_to_build_a_wall/
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Two Redditors are out in the woods

When one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other Redditor whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. What's your name sir?"
"R. E. Post."
"And who is your friend?"
"Joke. Funny Joke."
"Okay Mr. Post. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, Joke is dead, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8usb19/two_redditors_are_out_in_the_woods/
%
Whats a business owners favorite dessert ?

A Profiterole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8us76c/whats_a_business_owners_favorite_dessert/
%
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day,
for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8us5gg/stormy_daniels_and_queen_elizabeth_went_to_the/
%
I just found an origami porn channel...

...but it's paper view only...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8us2r8/i_just_found_an_origami_porn_channel/
%
My friend told me his life completely changed after witnessing the second coming of Jesus.

He is never going to watch Mexican porn again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8us035/my_friend_told_me_his_life_completely_changed/
%
Little snail was beaten up by the turtles...

The snail's father asked him: "What happened?"
"I don't know... It all happened so fast..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uroae/little_snail_was_beaten_up_by_the_turtles/
%
What do you do when you see a space man?

You park in it, man.
What do you do when you see a fire man?
You put it out, man.
What do you do when you see a post man?
You repost it, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8urj0m/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_space_man/
%
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uri2u/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_9_letters_but_never/
%
How do you know the guitarist is at the door?

He's got the wrong key, doesn't know when to come in.
-Nick Mason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8urhpo/how_do_you_know_the_guitarist_is_at_the_door/
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How do you confuse a Polish labourer?

Lay down an axe and a shovel and tell him to take his pick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8urgwr/how_do_you_confuse_a_polish_labourer/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8urap8/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8urah7/people_say_smoking_will_give_you_diseases/
%
What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self harmony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8urab6/what_do_you_call_an_emo_a_capella_group/
%
Two soldiers were sitting on the front line in a fox hole

They were both on edge as they knew tonight would be their last night alive. The enemy was swiftly approaching and it was only a matter of time before they were over run.
Soldier 1- “I need to take a shit”
Soldier 2- “dude don’t leave me here”
Soldier 1- “ I cant shit with you here, I get stage fright, I’ll just hop a few fox holes back and go quick”
Soldier 2- “Hurry up man I am freaking out”
After what seems an eternity soldier 1 comes back to find soldier 2 completely pissed.
Soldier 2-“ what the hell man!! I am losing my mind in here, What the fuck took so long?”
Soldier 1- “ I am really sorry! I honesty am! But there is this lady a few fox holes back that is putting out! It’s our last night so a few of the guys were giving her a go! I got a little action quick!”
Soldier 2- “really?”
Soldier 1- “ yes! You should go quick!”
Soldier 2- “ ah no man, I really shouldn’t, you know I’m married”
Soldier 1- “ man.. it’s your last night on earth, I hate to break it to you but you’ll never see your wife again.”
Soldier 2-“ I guess your right.. maybe I’ll just go and get a little head”
Soldier 1- “head?....... she doesn’t have a head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ura76/two_soldiers_were_sitting_on_the_front_line_in_a/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ura1s/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
Jesus loves all children.

I guess that's where the priests get it from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ur5gf/jesus_loves_all_children/
%
What do you call outdated memes?

Memeries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ur0ye/what_do_you_call_outdated_memes/
%
I asked the boss what to do with the new roll of bubble wrap. "Just pop it in the corner," he said.

4 fucking hours it took me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uquh6/i_asked_the_boss_what_to_do_with_the_new_roll_of/
%
What do baby parabolas drink?

Quadratic formula

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uqsmq/what_do_baby_parabolas_drink/
%
Skin cancer is not that bad

It grows on you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uqqan/skin_cancer_is_not_that_bad/
%
In the news there was this young boy who almost drowned, but was dragged out of the water by the balls.

Both the boy and his parents thanked Mr and Mrs Ball very much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uqo26/in_the_news_there_was_this_young_boy_who_almost/
%
A man is getting married, and decides to get a tattoo to honor his bride to be

He wants to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When he goes to get it done, he finds out that it has to be hard.
As a result, his flaccid penis just says WY.
On their honey moon in jamaica, this man finds himself in the bathroom at a bar next to the local bartender. Rather drunk, he accidentally looks over and sees that thr bartender has a tattoo on his penis that also says WY.
He says, "hey, is your wife named Wendy too?"
The bartender say, "Nah mon, it says welcome to Jamaica, enjoy your stay"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uqngh/a_man_is_getting_married_and_decides_to_get_a/
%
If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uqmpb/if_i_owned_a_race_horse_i_would_name_it_my_face/
%
How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Say, “My money’s on the one with the erection!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uqlxb/how_do_you_break_up_two_blind_guys_fighting/
%
Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uqlly/communism_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
A Spanish magician told his audience he'd disappear on the count of three

He began counting "Uno, dos.."
And he disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uqlj5/a_spanish_magician_told_his_audience_hed/
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What did the giant pickle say to sound modest?

I’m kind of a big Dill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uqdlo/what_did_the_giant_pickle_say_to_sound_modest/
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You could be a 1, you could be a 10, but in the restroom...

... yer an eight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uqc9a/you_could_be_a_1_you_could_be_a_10_but_in_the/
%
BREWER: We’re sorry to inform you Mrs. O’reilly that your husband drowned today at the Guinness factory

WIFE: Well at least give me the comfort in knowing it was a quick death
BREWER: well he drowned in only 15 minutes, short considering he got out of the keg twice to pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uqb50/brewer_were_sorry_to_inform_you_mrs_oreilly_that/
%
Heard you like bad boys. Well, I'm bad at everything...

*blink, blink*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uqafe/heard_you_like_bad_boys_well_im_bad_at_everything/
%
After killing himself and several others, a suicide bomber is given 72 virgins to use as he pleases.

When the suicide bomber arrives, he notices that they're all on laptops. He finds this strange, and asks one what they're doing. The virgin responds, "We're playing Fortnite. Wanna join?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uq9ln/after_killing_himself_and_several_others_a/
%
Went and got my first gun yesterday

Went and got a 9mm pistol and I go to pay for the gun and the cashier stops me and says strip down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uq99g/went_and_got_my_first_gun_yesterday/
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Hey girl, can you be the Sun in my life?

Good, stay 93 million miles away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uq4ki/hey_girl_can_you_be_the_sun_in_my_life/
%
A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your second bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4..5 notes on the A string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your third bass lesson son?"
"I blew it off I had a gig."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uq1lv/a_bass_player_joke/
%
The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday’s performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uq0gx/the_nigerian_football_team_were_so_disappointed/
%
What’s the difference between and a good joke and

A bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8upzu3/whats_the_difference_between_and_a_good_joke_and/
%
My wife and I are always arguing about little shit.

I hate when she calls my dick that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8upzgn/my_wife_and_i_are_always_arguing_about_little_shit/
%
Me and my twin brother are 20 years old and never had a job or girlfriend.

Today my dad said if he knew we would have turned out so useless he would have named us thoughts and prayers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8upsh7/me_and_my_twin_brother_are_20_years_old_and_never/
%
What do you call a midget psychic that just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uprdl/what_do_you_call_a_midget_psychic_that_just/
%
What is it called when you hear a jingle in your right ear but not in your left?

Earring loss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8upp6w/what_is_it_called_when_you_hear_a_jingle_in_your/
%
Saving money is easy. I'm working on my second million right now.

Gave up on the first million a long time ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8upn9h/saving_money_is_easy_im_working_on_my_second/
%
How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put all the veggies she wants on it, I start to wrap up her sandwich when she says, "can I get some mayo?"
...
I look at her, she's looking at me, I pick up the mayo, I'm waiting for her to be like haha jk.
Nothing.
Me: "You know mayonnaise has eggs in it right?"
THIS. GIRL. JUST. STOOD. THERE. SILENT.
She stood there for a second.
V: "N-no it doesn't, I get mayo every time, are you sure?"
Me: "Yes ma'am, mayo has egg whites in it."
I felt so horrible, she stood there with such a distraught and defeated face, I had shattered this poor girl's world.
I had a couple people waiting so I had to get this lady out of here.
Me: "Would you like the mayo on it ma'am?"
V: "Sure, go ahead."
She sounded so done, so defeated,
So I gave her her mayo, wrapped her sandwich up and charged her for her sandwich, she was silent the whole time. She took her sandwich and started walking out.
Me: "Thank you for coming, have a nice day!"
She just looked at me, sighed, "yea, I'll try" and walked out.
And that's the story of how I taught a vegan that mayonnaise is, in fact, not vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8upj7g/how_i_accidentally_crushed_a_vegan_customers_soul/
%
House of ill repute

There's a house of ill repute, up on a hill. There's a man going up the hill, there's a man coming down the hill and there's a man in the house.
What nationalities are they?
Man going up the hill- he's Russian
Man coming down the hill- he's Finnish
Man in the house- Himalayan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8upcaa/house_of_ill_repute/
%
I just drove by an abandoned Dairy Queen.

I guess you could say it was *dessert*ed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8up9un/i_just_drove_by_an_abandoned_dairy_queen/
%
My girlfriend said that I would never advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.

I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8up1lw/my_girlfriend_said_that_i_would_never_advance_in/
%
How to have $1 Million worth of Crypto Currencies

Start off with $2 Million

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uoxdr/how_to_have_1_million_worth_of_crypto_currencies/
%
Why does being a waiter in Israel suck?

None of the men have any tips to speak of

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uovoi/why_does_being_a_waiter_in_israel_suck/
%
Two men are hanging out at a bar, when one asks the other...

“Mate, if somebody gave you ten million dollars to have sex with Freddie Mercury, would you do it?
The other man, who is gay, says “I see no downside.”
The first man said: “Dude, Freddie Mercury died in 1991.”
The other one replied, “Exactly.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uouqx/two_men_are_hanging_out_at_a_bar_when_one_asks/
%
Yesterday I was watching the history channel...

but back then it was called the news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uou3z/yesterday_i_was_watching_the_history_channel/
%
The problem with political jokes

is that often they get elected president of the United States

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uoqk8/the_problem_with_political_jokes/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uopjr/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
When I heard the government was planning to ban gasoline due to people getting hurt by it

I had to reveal I was pro-pain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uombe/when_i_heard_the_government_was_planning_to_ban/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room...

He said "Thanks"
I said "Don't mention it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uokgw/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uoixe/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
My dad told me that I would only be successful when pigs fly.

WELL GUESS WHAT DAD?! Swine Flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uof8g/my_dad_told_me_that_i_would_only_be_successful/
%
Joseph and the wedding

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uode8/joseph_and_the_wedding/
%
I like my women like I like my marshmallows

Hot, Black and Toasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uoajc/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_marshmallows/
%
I was once attacked by a group of mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uo7uw/i_was_once_attacked_by_a_group_of_mimes/
%
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uo7nl/a_dea_officer_stopped_at_a_ranch_in_texas_and/
%
What do you call a prostitute with no arms and legs?

A cash and carry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uo66d/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_no_arms_and/
%
Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.
Again, the two workers did not understand him.
He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.
He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.
One guy turned to the other guy and said, "You know, maybe we should learn a second language."
"Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy.
"It would help out in situations like the one we just had."
"What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8unz3o/two_guys_were_working_at_the_airport_when_a/
%
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8unyk2/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8unt17/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
It's been discovered that Mary was not infact a virgin when Jesus was born.

It was an inaccurate conception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8unsj5/its_been_discovered_that_mary_was_not_infact_a/
%
I called the rape advice hotline yesterday

apparently it is only for victims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8unr4r/i_called_the_rape_advice_hotline_yesterday/
%
I hate it when people publicly express their opinions needlessly, just seeking attention when nobody cares.

But that's just my opinion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8unowx/i_hate_it_when_people_publicly_express_their/
%
Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8unos0/dont_leave_alphabet_soup_cooking_on_the_stove/
%
Can a woman become Russian president?

No. Putin is not up for a sex change just yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8unkru/can_a_woman_become_russian_president/
%
My conversation with my doctor

Doctor : "How are you?"
Me : "I am fine, thanks."
Doctor : "Then get the fuck out of here."
I don't understand what I did to piss him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8unk1r/my_conversation_with_my_doctor/
%
A plane is on a transatlantic flight when the pilot begins to speak.

"Folks, this is your captain speaking, our number engine one has developed some trouble. We'll make it, but they'll be an hour delay."
10 minutes later, the pilot makes another announcement: "Our number two engine just quit. We'll be fine, but they'll be 2 hours late."
5 minutes go by and the pilot speaks up again: "Our number three engine is gone, we'll have a 4 hour delay now."
One minute later, the pilot begins to speak "We just lost our number four engine..."
At this moment, a passenger yells out: "At this rate, we'll be stuck here the rest of our lives!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8unjra/a_plane_is_on_a_transatlantic_flight_when_the/
%
Warning labels are stupid.

I bought some deodorant and it said on the can, "Avoid contact with eyes" TOO LATE, I'd already seen it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uni7j/warning_labels_are_stupid/
%
What do you call a handicap sticker in Oklahoma?

A high school diploma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8unfzm/what_do_you_call_a_handicap_sticker_in_oklahoma/
%
Why are Statisticians all pragmatists?

Because they know the n's always justify the means

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uneos/why_are_statisticians_all_pragmatists/
%
I found out today my brother’s bi-polar.

Apparently he likes male and female polar bears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uncrz/i_found_out_today_my_brothers_bipolar/
%
I just got diagnosed as colour blind!

I didn't expect that - it came straight out of the purple!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8un9hc/i_just_got_diagnosed_as_colour_blind/
%
What does an egg drive on the way to work?

A Yolkswagen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8un8zg/what_does_an_egg_drive_on_the_way_to_work/
%
What does a mermaid wash her fins with?

Tide!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8un8ld/what_does_a_mermaid_wash_her_fins_with/
%
First time since 1938 that Germany didn't get out of their group.

Let's hope they don't take it as bad this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8un3sr/first_time_since_1938_that_germany_didnt_get_out/
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Lenin should've known communism wouldn't work...

There were red flags everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8un0dr/lenin_shouldve_known_communism_wouldnt_work/
%
A man broke his hand.

He asked the doctor, "Will I be able to play piano as soon as the cast comes off?"
"Of course!" said the doctor.
The man replied, "Great. I never could before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8umz27/a_man_broke_his_hand/
%
My girlfriend asked me to stop playing Wonderwall.

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8umumb/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_stop_playing_wonderwall/
%
I like my women like i like my updates

Disabled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8umrtn/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_updates/
%
What is common between a chainsaw and a pussy?

If you miss even by a little, you are in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ump80/what_is_common_between_a_chainsaw_and_a_pussy/
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What's the best thing about summer in the U.S.?

No school shootings for two months!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8umnv0/whats_the_best_thing_about_summer_in_the_us/
%
I just got a how-to book for flipping on a lightswitch

It's called *Process of Illumination*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8umjk9/i_just_got_a_howto_book_for_flipping_on_a/
%
Two mexican children are learning how to count in english

The first one asks: "What was it that comes after twenty?
The second one absentmindedly replies: "What?"
To which the first one angrily responds: "Twenty, Juan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8umizx/two_mexican_children_are_learning_how_to_count_in/
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Have you heard of Murphy's Law?

Yes it's if something can go wrong it will go wrong.
Have you heard of Coles Law?
No. What's that?
It's finely shredded raw cabbage in a dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8umfby/have_you_heard_of_murphys_law/
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An old lady with a frog stuck to her head goes to see the doctor

"How can I help you today, 'mam?" the doctor asks.
"Something large is stuck to my ass and I can't wipe it off" replies the frog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8umc1x/an_old_lady_with_a_frog_stuck_to_her_head_goes_to/
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All women are bi...

It’s up to you to determine if it’s sexual or polar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8um9gg/all_women_are_bi/
%
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?

An 'acidic Jew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8um99z/what_do_you_call_a_rabbi_who_works_with_solvents/
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It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.

"It was pump #5," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8um881/its_getting_real_bad_here_in_california_i_just/
%
What did the owner of a strip club say when he found his girls slacking off?

C’mon ladies, are you twerking hard or hardly twerking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8um6w8/what_did_the_owner_of_a_strip_club_say_when_he/
%
What do you call a broken can opener

A **can't** opener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8um4qa/what_do_you_call_a_broken_can_opener/
%
What did the mom say to the little boy who missed the toilet?

Urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8um3rh/what_did_the_mom_say_to_the_little_boy_who_missed/
%
What's the difference between North Korea and Ubisoft?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as Ubisoft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8um3pv/whats_the_difference_between_north_korea_and/
%
Irish Dad

Paddy found a small plastic bag in his teenage sons pocket.
The bag was full of a white powder.
He called his son Mick into his bedroom.
"Mick, what the fuck is this?"
Mick exclaimed "Da, am sorry! It's cocaine n a didn't mean to get into it! Anthony gave me it! It feels amazing!"
Paddy screamed at the top of his lungs "If I see you with this shite again I'll make ya sniff the fuckin lot".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8um3fz/irish_dad/
%
If I've learned one thing in my travels, it's that men come in all shapes and sizes.

But enough about my exotic fleshlight collection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uly7w/if_ive_learned_one_thing_in_my_travels_its_that/
%
A pregnant mother gave birth to twins.

Even though each had one boob for milk, they discovered that they weren't getting enough. And both of them got jealous, blaming each other for the low supply. And so each one bought poisons secretly.
So then, both of them decided to apply the poison on the nipple that wasn't for them. Each wanted to kill his competition. Nothing should come between them and their milk!
Both the twins slept happily at night. "Oh he shall be dead by the morning. And all the boobies in the world will be mine to suck!", each thought.
In the morning, as they approached their mother's bed, they discovered their father had been killed by poisoning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ulrm0/a_pregnant_mother_gave_birth_to_twins/
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I like my men how I like my coffee

Down my throat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ullx6/i_like_my_men_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
How is broccoli similar to anal sex?

If you were forced to have it as a child, you're not gonna like it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ullez/how_is_broccoli_similar_to_anal_sex/
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Everyone loves to do it but hates when others do it.

Fart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uljvo/everyone_loves_to_do_it_but_hates_when_others_do/
%
There are two kittens sitting on a steep roof. Which one falls off first?

the one with the smallest *mu*
.
.
.
.
.
**Preemptive explanation:**
Coefficient of friction. The coefficient of friction (COF), often symbolized by the Greek letter µ (pronounced *mew*), is a dimensionless scalar value which describes the ratio of the force of friction between two bodies and the force pressing them together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uli49/there_are_two_kittens_sitting_on_a_steep_roof/
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What's the best part about being pregnant?

You never have to drink alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ulhw7/whats_the_best_part_about_being_pregnant/
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Airline companies are always having to hire people.

Because most of their employees take off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ule0w/airline_companies_are_always_having_to_hire_people/
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What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ul5yt/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
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What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ul4e4/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
%
I saw an ad for a double entendre contest

So i entered my sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ul451/i_saw_an_ad_for_a_double_entendre_contest/
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I like my women like I like my coffee.

From a third world country at a reasonable price

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ul40x/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Two terrorists are in a car, driving to bomb some place.

One had a bomb on his lap, the other was driving. The car went over a speed bumper too fast.
"Hey, watch it, Joe! You are gonna set this bomb off!"
"Relax, dude, we have a spare one in the trunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uky3e/two_terrorists_are_in_a_car_driving_to_bomb_some/
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An Italian guy, English guy and a Polish guy ...

.... are applying for the same job and they are all sitting in the waiting room together.
Interviewer is a middle aged man, opens the door and calls the English guy. They sit down and the interviewer asks
-The job you are applying for requires powers of observations. Make an observation about me.
-Well - says the English guy - you got no f***ing ears.
The interviewer gets really angry and says
-Get out! Call the next guy in!
The Italian guy comes in and sits down,
the interviewer asks:
-The job you are applying for requires powers of observations. Make an observation about me.
-Well - says the Italian guy - you got no f***ing ears.
The interviewer gets really angry again and says
-Get out! Call the next guy in!
The Italian guy comes out and he feels bad for the Polish guy and tells him
-Whatever you do, don't mention his ears. He is a little sensitive about it.
-Ok. I wont - says the Polish guy.
The interviewer asks
-The job you are applying for requires powers of observations. Make an observation about me.
-Well - says the Polish guy - you wear contacts.
The interviewer is very impressed and goes
-That's very good! I do wear contacts! How did you know that?
The Polish guy says
-How can you wear glasses when you have no f***ing ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ukv7p/an_italian_guy_english_guy_and_a_polish_guy/
%
My son asked me "Cows are so big, how do they walk?"

Simple, just put one foot in front of an udder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uks9a/my_son_asked_me_cows_are_so_big_how_do_they_walk/
%
A woman asks her husband "John, why are you so miserable?"

The husband responds "my name is Sam"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ukqjy/a_woman_asks_her_husband_john_why_are_you_so/
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Who is he?

After returning home from their honeymoon, the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table.
At first, he really doesn't give it much thought. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask her about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no," she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uknd7/who_is_he/
%
Coffee Has a Rough Time At Work.

It gets mugged every single morning!  :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ukk7f/coffee_has_a_rough_time_at_work/
%
I woke up this morning and was shocked to see my body below my waist was horse like...

Now, I am the centaur of attraction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ukhv7/i_woke_up_this_morning_and_was_shocked_to_see_my/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high...

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ukdnb/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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After kissing a girl on her sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs”

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uk9ky/after_kissing_a_girl_on_her_sofa_she_said_lets/
%
So I was browsing an Excel blog last night

and an advertisement for “hot singles in your area who want to HLOOKUP” popped up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uk5mm/so_i_was_browsing_an_excel_blog_last_night/
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My doctor said I have 12 months to live so I raped him

The judge gave me 40 years, I beat the system

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uk51a/my_doctor_said_i_have_12_months_to_live_so_i/
%
Woman comes into an ice cream store and the kid working says, “hi, what can I get for you?”

The woman says, “I need a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of strawberry ice cream please.”
The kid says, “I can do the vanilla and strawberry but we’re out of chocolate.”
Oh, “says the woman, disappointed. Then just get me a pint of chocolate, a pint of vanilla, and a pint of strawberry*.”
Not sure she heard him right the kid says, “oh, I’m
sorry, but we’re out of chocolate . But I can get you the strawberry and vanilla.”
“Oh, right, sorry!” says the woman. “Just get me a cup of chocolate, a cup of vanilla and a cup of strawberry.”
Kind of annoyed now the kid says, “lady, can you spell the ‘van’ in ‘vanilla’?”
“Sure, V-A-N,” she says.
“That’s right, what about the ‘straw’ on ‘strawberry’?”
“Sure, S-T-R-A-W.”
“Great! What about the ‘fuck’ in chocolate?”
“I’m sorry?” the lady says.
“You know, the ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”
Looking confused the woman says, “but, there’s no ‘fuck’ in “chocolate.’”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you lady, there’s no fuckin’ chocolate!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uk3ub/woman_comes_into_an_ice_cream_store_and_the_kid/
%
What’s a North Korean’s favorite drink?

A supreme liter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uk1i8/whats_a_north_koreans_favorite_drink/
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What's Forrest Gump's password?

1Forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uk0v8/whats_forrest_gumps_password/
%
The fart

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted, and the microphone amplified it throughout the room. He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Solomon Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son , I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, ‘Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uk0t5/the_fart/
%
Midgets are the best kind of people out there.

They're just way more down-to-earth than the rest of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ujz9k/midgets_are_the_best_kind_of_people_out_there/
%
One Testicle

There once was a Native American  who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ujw1a/one_testicle/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ujqzb/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
A man calls the White House and says he wants to apply for the President's position.

"Are you an idiot", the White House staff says.
"Oh sorry Im not. Is that a criteria?", he replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ujquf/a_man_calls_the_white_house_and_says_he_wants_to/
%
Why can't ducks fart?

They don't have butt quacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ujpbq/why_cant_ducks_fart/
%
Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far...

Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ujkih/best_one_liner_of_the_world_cup_so_far/
%
A priest and a nun were hiking to a monastery...

... high up a mountain. Halfway to their destination, a snowstorm slowly started. They discovered an old wooden cabin and decided to take shelter.
Inside there was only one bunk, but also a sleeping bag. So, as a man, the priest decided to let the nun have the bunk while sleeping in the sleeping bag himself.
After some time in bed, he heard the nun say: "Father, I am soooo cold...". So he got up, found a blanket and gave it to her, then went back to sleep.
Again, after some time he woke again to: "Father, I am still soooo cold...". So, once again, he got up, found another blanket and gave it to her.
Not one hour later, the nun was awake again, complaining about the cold. So he said: "Listen sister, we are in this lonesome cabin, not a single soul within miles. Nobody would ever know what we do here. So, just this once, would you like to spend the night like husband and wife?"
"Yes", she said. "I would like that very much!"
"Well then, ... GET THAT FUCKING BLANKET YOURSELF!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ujgft/a_priest_and_a_nun_were_hiking_to_a_monastery/
%
The oldest computer...

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.
Yes, it was an Apple.
But with an extremely limited memory.
Just one byte.
Then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ujf97/the_oldest_computer/
%
So a man walks into a bar...

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”
And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”
So the bartender is understandably ashamed.
And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.
And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”
And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”
But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”
And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”
And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”
So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.
And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”
And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”
And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”
And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”
And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”
And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!
And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”
And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”
And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.
And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.
And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”
And the pianist is, like, “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!”
And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.
And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, “My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him.” And he starts weeping.
And the bartender’s, like, “No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.”
And the pianist is, like, “That’s not true. I’m worthless!”
And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, “Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.”
And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.
So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.
So the guy’s, like, “Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.”
And the genie’s, like, “Who says they’re broken?” And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.
And the guy’s, like, “Well done.”
And then the genie says, “That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.”
And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.
And the genie’s, like, “I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.”
And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.” ♦
Source: Simon Rich, The New Yorker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ujewu/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A nice Christian joke

A man asks his wife to make him coffee, she refuses and states that he should instead make her coffee. He asks her why he should make her coffee and she says it's because the Bible says so. He states that if she can proove that the Bible says so he will fold and make her a cup of coffee. So she takes out a Bible, opens the Bible, points and says... Hebrew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ujeqv/a_nice_christian_joke/
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Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)
Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left breast. The Royals (my team) fan takes off his hat and covers her right breast. The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive. The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book. He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, "What was that? Haven't you seen one of those before?" The detective replies, "You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I see an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uje52/three_sports_fans_leave_a_bar/
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Time flies like the wind...

Fruit flies like bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ujczz/time_flies_like_the_wind/
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How does an Australian chess player ask for the bill?

Check mate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ujbi9/how_does_an_australian_chess_player_ask_for_the/
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Couples usually break up after 7 days

Because they have a week relationship at that point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uj97x/couples_usually_break_up_after_7_days/
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F*ucking Cock

A Farmer buys a young Cock. As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens,
Farmer gets tense now.
Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.
Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, half-dead &
Vultures circling over it's head.
Farmer Says: You Horny bastard you deserve this!
The Cock opens one eye, says: Sshhh! Don't shout,
let them land...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uj680/fucking_cock/
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I don’t always tell dad jokes, but when I do...

He laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uj48x/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes_but_when_i_do/
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What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat replacements

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uizly/what_does_tofu_and_a_dildo_have_in_common/
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Imagine if the UK switched from kilograms to pounds overnight

There would be mass confusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uiwbe/imagine_if_the_uk_switched_from_kilograms_to/
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Scientist is giving an interview: "We found a way to kill 75% of cancer cells in mice".

Scientist is giving an interview: "We found a way to kill 75&#37; of cancer cells in mice".
Newspaper headlines next morning: "Scientists found a cure for cancer".
Scientist read that and calls the interviewer again next day and is like "no no, I didn't mean that we can cure cancer now. It just means that our developments can help cure it **in** **the** **future**".
Newspaper headlines next day: "Scientists discover time travel"
Enraged scientist calls the journalist again and screams: "FUCK YOU!"
Newspaper headlines: "Scientist rapes a journalist!"
(Not an original, but the recent frontpage joke here reminded me of it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uiuum/scientist_is_giving_an_interview_we_found_a_way/
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Master list of dad jokes

Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!
What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it
What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!
Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the mooooo-vies!
What did the mommy tomato say to the baby tomato? C’mon, ketchup!
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn’t “peeling” well!
What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with!
What is a pirate’s favorite letter? Arrrrrr!
What does a piece of toast wear to bed? His pa-JAM-as!
What does one eye say to the other eye? Something between us smells
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!
What happens when an egg laughs? It cracks up!
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
Why didn’t the teddy bear want dessert? Because he was stuffed!
Why can’t you tell a joke while ice skating? Because the ice might crack up!
What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!
What’s mommy and daddy’s favorite ride at the carnival? A married-go-round!
How did Cookie Monster feel after eating all the cookies? Pretty crummy!
What do you call a skunk who flies in a helicopter? A smelly-copter!
What do you get when you shake a cow? A milkshake!
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut!
Why did the bee get married? Because she found her honey!
What did the ocean say to their airplane? Nothing, it just waved!
Where do eskimo pigs live? In pig-loos.
What’s a dinosaur called when it’s sleeping? A dino-snore!
What did the cookie say to the annoying cookie? Crumb on!
Why did Mickey Mouse go up in space? To find Pluto!
What does Olaf eat for lunch? Icebergers!
What letter is always wet? The C!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uisi1/master_list_of_dad_jokes/
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"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" generally mean the same thing...

...except at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uilbc/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_generally_mean_the_same/
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A young man with no arms and no legs dreamed of becoming a fireman.

His mother didn't have the heart to discourage him, even though she knew there was no way he could be a firefighter.
To her surprise, when she picked him up after his interview, he excitedly told her that they had taken him on, he was finally a real firefighter! His mother congratulated him, but thought to herself that it was impossible.
The next day, after dropping her son off at the station, she was dying to see how he did it, so she called 911 and reported a fire at their home address. She waited anxiously for the trucks to arrive, to see her son in action.
Sure enough, the truck came whizzing around the bend, with her son strapped to the top and happily yelling
*"WEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOO!!!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uihe8/a_young_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs_dreamed_of/
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What did the neckbeard call the tiny hat he bought for his penis?

Tip’s fedora.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uid7o/what_did_the_neckbeard_call_the_tiny_hat_he/
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Three midgets unsatisfied with their body image decide to make the best of it.

They begin to chat among themselves about what they could do to stick out.
One midget says, "Well, I have tiny hands and you have tiny feet. Maybe they're the smallest in the world and we could contact the Guiness Book of Records about it."
The 2nd midget looks at the 3rd and says "What about you?"
The 3rd midget blushes and shakily says, "Well it's kind of embarrassing.. but I have a very small penis."
They begin measuring their respective tiny parts.
Midget one exclaims, "After looking it up, it's official! I have the smallest hands in the world!"
Midget two responds, "And I have the smallest feet!"
Midget 3 flips the Guiness Book shut and says "Who the fuck is _______?"
***Fill this _____ with the name of a person you are telling the story in front of.***
This joke is best with a couple extra people to all laugh at the misfortune of the one you chose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ui70x/three_midgets_unsatisfied_with_their_body_image/
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Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ui5dl/have_you_ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
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In a case of an extreme survival situation, you can drink your own urine.

Fortunately, the Reddit servers were back up before I could fill the can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ui4ik/in_a_case_of_an_extreme_survival_situation_you/
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[Long] Hey Pete

A group of friends go to a crowded museum. A bet is set that anyone who slaps that fat bald guy on the back of the head without getting one in return, will have free lunch. One of them, Cal, accepts the challenge. walks up to the guy. gives him a big fuckoff smack in the head and says "hey Pete, what are you doing here". Bald guy considers it a misunderstanding and cooly tells him that hes not Pete. Cal gives him a confused look and goes away.
Cal's friends offer him a double-or-nothin, that he would get free dinner if he could slap him again. Cal considers the risks but accepts the challenge.finds the bald guy in the crowd, walks up to him, conjures a mighty slap and says, "give it up man, I know youre Pete. Who are you hiding from?" This time the bald guy gets angry and tells Cal that he's not his fucking Pete and that Cal should go fuck himself. Cal backs off instantly.
His friends are not enjoying this; they are losing the bets. Knowing that another slap was impossible, they set a reward of free food for a whole fuckin month, but nothing if Cal fails. Cal cant back up now. He finds the bald guy, walks up to him,a mighty slap and says,
"Here you are Pete, and I took another dude for you and slapped him twice. Cool fella though".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ui3dq/long_hey_pete/
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"Don't kid yourself"

...would be a great slogan for a condom company...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ui33f/dont_kid_yourself/
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My friend told me that not getting enough sleep always catches up with you

I guess we’ll just Zzzz if that’s true

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uhxvg/my_friend_told_me_that_not_getting_enough_sleep/
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My wife has a cracking pair of tits!

That new eczema cream doesn’t seem to be working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uhxr9/my_wife_has_a_cracking_pair_of_tits/
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What did one leg say to the other?

"Don't talk to the middle leg. He's a dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uhwcv/what_did_one_leg_say_to_the_other/
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[NSFW] I know that it is your first time, so try to relax. Be open. Let me know if it hurts. It might bleed and that's totally fine. Let me know if you want me to pull it out. And above all...

...trust your dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uhw7l/nsfw_i_know_that_it_is_your_first_time_so_try_to/
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What do you call an elephant that’s no longer mainstream?

Ir-elephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uht2a/what_do_you_call_an_elephant_thats_no_longer/
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A local barber

in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind.
I’ve been his customer for years.
I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uhs69/a_local_barber/
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Suicide is the worst ending to a story.

It leaves you hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uhqs0/suicide_is_the_worst_ending_to_a_story/
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Paddy was sitting in his local pub when a fine looking Italian woman walks in.

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.
They had a passionate affair all that summer.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home  to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange  post card today.'  'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,'  he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
One with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uhoxa/paddy_was_sitting_in_his_local_pub_when_a_fine/
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Where do dogs do their banking?

Barklays
Edited because of autocorrect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uhnbg/where_do_dogs_do_their_banking/
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I was gonna repost a joke from a few years ago.

Too bad I live in the EU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uhn10/i_was_gonna_repost_a_joke_from_a_few_years_ago/
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Has anyone seen my gone in 60 seconds DVD?

It was here a minute ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uhkcf/has_anyone_seen_my_gone_in_60_seconds_dvd/
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A child asks why their name is...

A mother and father are going through baby photos with their three children when the first child looks up to his mother and asks...
"Momma, why did you call me Sand?"
And the mother replies, "Well, we named you Sand because when you were born a grain of sand landed on your forehead"
And the little boy smiles, content with the reason. Then his sister looks up to her father and asks...
"Papa, why did you name me Snowflake?"
The father smiles and looks at his daughter. "Well honey, we called you Snowflake because when you were a baby a snowflake landed on your forehead and we thought to name you after that".
The little girl giggles at the thought of her name. Then the third child called Brick asks his parents...
"hwhey dib youg nayme meh bwreik"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uhjtw/a_child_asks_why_their_name_is/
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Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold out tide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uhh51/why_do_people_wash_their_clothes_in_tide/
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TIL the answer to the question about how do blind people know when to stop wiping.

Today the electricity went out at my place of employment during a thunderstorm. While I was in the mens room. It was then that I remembered that blind people can’t see shit, so how do they know when to stop wiping? the answer is: they don't. you just sort of guess and let me tell you- it's never enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uhgmb/til_the_answer_to_the_question_about_how_do_blind/
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Hobbies

One of my hobbies is time travel, I do it from time to time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uhfom/hobbies/
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What are some jokes that start get worse and worse? Example inside.

I was eating out my grandmother and I tasted horse semen. "Oh, grandma," I thought, "so that's how you died."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uh7to/what_are_some_jokes_that_start_get_worse_and/
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WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!!

TIME TRAVEL!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!
THAT'S IRRELEVANT!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uh6ze/what_do_we_want/
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'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uh5p8/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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Heart-Attacks are overrated

I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life, would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uh5hi/heartattacks_are_overrated/
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Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uh5aw/scientist_my_findings_are_meaningless_if_taken/
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General: soldier I did not see you in camouflage class today!

Soldier: Thanks, Sir....
Yes this is me ... I fixed the original post....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uh4vy/general_soldier_i_did_not_see_you_in_camouflage/
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What do you call two classical musicians ending their relationship?

They baroque up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uh48y/what_do_you_call_two_classical_musicians_ending/
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skeleton walks into a bar...

...and says "I'll have a beer and a mop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uh2jl/skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two soldiers are returning back to base after a night out.

On the way, one of the two gentlemen has the urge to shit. He tells his comrade “Dude I really have to shit. Can we try to find somewhere quickly?” The other replies “No dude we’re gonna be late.” Our desperate soldier can't hold it anymore so he says “I’m going in the garden here. Don’t look.” “Ok”, says the other. So this soldier proceeds  to do his business. Wanting to see if everything came out ok, he took his lighter to see his newly laid creation, but he can’t find it. “What the hell are you doing? Hurry up!” “My shit just disappeared.” “Let’s go. We’ll come back in the morning. We’re gonna be late.” “Ok”, the other responds. They return to base and the next morning the shitter takes a pass to leave the base and return to the scene of the previous night’s incident. As he jumps the fence he sees and old lady. She says “What are you doing in my garden?” He replies “I threw my cigarette butt in here last night and I wanted to make sure it didn’t start a fire.” The old lady replied ”What a kind nice young man. You’re not like that asshole who shit on the turtle. It brought it inside on us!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uh2h3/two_soldiers_are_returning_back_to_base_after_a/
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Guy walks into a bar...NSFW

...he notices a jar stuffed full of cash sitting on the counter with a sign reading “Win This Jar of Cash!”
Guy asks Bartender: Hey, how do I win that jar of cash?
Bartender: Well you need to complete 3 tasks.
Guy: Okay. What are they?
Bartender: Number 1..See that gentleman sitting over there?
Guy: You mean the big mean looking muscular fella?
Bartender: Yes him. You need to knock him out within one minute.
Guy: Okay easy, what is the second?
Bartender: Number 2..my angry and aggressive pit-bull upstairs has been having tooth problems. He needs one of his teeth pulled but no one dares go near him. I need you to pull that tooth.
Guy: Okay, done! And the third?
Bartender: My old lady across the street hasn’t gotten a good screwin in over 5 years. I need you to take care of her for me. Do you got it?!
Guy: Oh okay, sounds like a bit of a challenge but I got it!
To get more confidence, guy chugs a bottle of Jack, shatters the bottle on the floor and begins.
Guy walks over to the mean looking muscular fella and starts to beat him up. Guy receives a good ass kicking but manages to knock out the fella in under a minute.
Then, guy walks upstairs to the hound and shuts the door behind him. From below everyone can hear the dog yelping and screaming in pain. But then, the sounds stop.
Door opens, guy comes back down to the bartender
and asks “Alright, now where is your old lady that needs her tooth pulled?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uh26a/guy_walks_into_a_barnsfw/
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A Jewish cook went to the Vatican and insisted on seeing the Pope.

After a long wait the Pope granted him an audience and asked the cook what could he do for him.
The Jew said that he was a cook, before him his father was a cook, his grandfather was a cook, his great grandfather was a cook, and that he comes from a family of cooks that goes back to over 2000 years....
The Pope congratulated him and asked him again, what could he do for him?
The Jew said: "Well, the bill for the last supper has still not been paid.... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uh15h/a_jewish_cook_went_to_the_vatican_and_insisted_on/
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I used to be into S&M, bestiality, and necrophilia

But then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugz8r/i_used_to_be_into_sm_bestiality_and_necrophilia/
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Me: Nothing’s going well in my life.

Friend: Think positive thoughts! You”ll feel better.
Me: |  Nothing’s going well in my life. |

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugxgh/me_nothings_going_well_in_my_life/
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What's the difference between Ali-A and a fisherman?

One is actually good at baiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugx6z/whats_the_difference_between_alia_and_a_fisherman/
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A chicken walks in a bar and orders a drink

The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugx4a/a_chicken_walks_in_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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A man took a job on an oil rig in the desert.

He was settling in well but after a couple of weeks felt the normal urge every man has and went to talk to his supervisor.
"I really like the job boss but I need some female company"
The boss replies "That's easy Joe, see those Camels over there, when your off your shift feel free to use one."
"okay...." Joe walks out and is disgusted by the idea and tries to forget he even asked.
A month later Joe cant take it anymore he remembers the conversation. After his shift he walks up to camels tied in the paddock. And starts having sex with one.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING JOE!!??" He hears his boss screaming running over to him.
"What boss you said i could use a camel!!??"
"To ride to town JOE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugx25/a_man_took_a_job_on_an_oil_rig_in_the_desert/
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Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugwzl/arguing_with_a_woman_is_like_reading_a_software/
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A guy yells to a stranger on the other side of a river, "I need to get to the other side!"

The stranger replies, "You are on the other side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugw6h/a_guy_yells_to_a_stranger_on_the_other_side_of_a/
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I couldn't figure out a way to measure the amount of sluts to non-sluts.

So I asked my friend Horatio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uguu6/i_couldnt_figure_out_a_way_to_measure_the_amount/
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I’m going to make a gay porno about Fidel Castro.

It will be called: InFidel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugtuc/im_going_to_make_a_gay_porno_about_fidel_castro/
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What made rice krispies before kellogs

Hiroshima

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugs3j/what_made_rice_krispies_before_kellogs/
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How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Shout, “I got money on that guy with the knife!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugnra/how_do_you_break_up_two_blind_guys_fighting/
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A Russian, a Frenchman, and a Canadian were in a bathroom together

They all finish their business and happen to be at the sinks at the same time. The Russian, noticing the two other men at the sink, says to them,
"In Russia, we were taught to be very conservative with our resources and therefore only use the amount of soap that is absolutely necessary."
The Frenchman replies,
"Well in France, we were taught that cleanliness is of utmost importance, and therefore we should use plenty of soap to ensure good hygiene."
The Russian and Frenchman bicker and argue back and forth for a little while about who is correct.
Under his breath, the Canadian mutters,
"Well in Canada we were taught not to piss on our fucking hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugnpt/a_russian_a_frenchman_and_a_canadian_were_in_a/
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What do you get when a duck bends over?

Assquack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugman/what_do_you_get_when_a_duck_bends_over/
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A Russian goes to Thailand

and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.
"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."
"What's the danger in that?"
"One of them is a man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugky8/a_russian_goes_to_thailand/
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Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"
This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previous days game. After discussing it for a while, they decide to inform the nurse
"I don't think we're ready to compete for the cup...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugh0t/two_german_soccer_players_go_to_a_sperm_bank/
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What do you call a committee of emo kids?

A cutting board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugeqc/what_do_you_call_a_committee_of_emo_kids/
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Why couldn’t the farmer drive around the sick bird lying in the middle of the dirt road?

Because it was an ill eagle pass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uge2s/why_couldnt_the_farmer_drive_around_the_sick_bird/
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How do Mexicans cut their pizza?

With little Caesars.
Credit goes to Burnie Burns who told this joke on a podcast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugdkk/how_do_mexicans_cut_their_pizza/
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When a mute prophet is predicting the end of the world,

that's a sign of the end times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugd68/when_a_mute_prophet_is_predicting_the_end_of_the/
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Do you know how many Polish jokes there are in the world?

Only like 3, the rest are true stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugclo/do_you_know_how_many_polish_jokes_there_are_in/
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Buddy told me chewing tobacco gave him the poops...

What a dip shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ugcca/buddy_told_me_chewing_tobacco_gave_him_the_poops/
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Me: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

Her: If you say "Addict-ionary", I will kill you.
Me: I was going to say "High Definition", but yours is better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ug836/me_what_do_you_call_a_dictionary_on_drugs/
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I thought I'd tell you a time travel joke

But you didn't like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ug71e/i_thought_id_tell_you_a_time_travel_joke/
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What do you call a black guy having a heart attack?

An ambulance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ug5n5/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_having_a_heart_attack/
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What’s black and doesn’t work?

Decaf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ufygi/whats_black_and_doesnt_work/
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A friend of mine used to be a stripper but she got bored with it.

It's always the same old thong and dance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uftl5/a_friend_of_mine_used_to_be_a_stripper_but_she/
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Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole....

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.
The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."
The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."
So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise.
The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy  gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise."
So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"
The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ufs8a/two_guys_are_walking_through_the_woods_one_day/
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How is American beer like having sex in a canoe?

They're both fucking near water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ufrn4/how_is_american_beer_like_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
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What do you get when God stops answering your prayers?

The Holy ghost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ufn54/what_do_you_get_when_god_stops_answering_your/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef strokin'off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ufm46/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
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There is a game show where the person who pees the farthest wins. Guess the name of the game show.

" Urine It To Win It "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ufg0h/there_is_a_game_show_where_the_person_who_pees/
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How to tell a alligator from a crocodile

One will see you later
The other will see you in a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ufdpw/how_to_tell_a_alligator_from_a_crocodile/
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Why did Germany lose to Korea?

They played with no heart and Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ufcp3/why_did_germany_lose_to_korea/
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Little Johnny is sitting in class.

When the teacher says I've got a supprise for the students who got the best grades on the last test. She calls up three students and blind folds each of them, she says I've got a full bag of candy for each of you, if you can guess what kind of candy it is.Johnny sitting in the back just watching knowing he bombed the last test. So for the first candy she puts an andies mint in the first kids hand, he eats it and instantly knows what it is so he gets the candy. On to the next kid the teacher gives this child a starburst once again the instantly knows the candy and gets the prize of the full bag. Next the last child the teacher gives them a Hershey kiss, the kid says well its chocolate, the teacher replies well that's to vague what type of chocolate is it, the student is still baffled, so the teacher says ill give you a hint its something that your mom gives your father after a hard Day a work. Johnny jumps up and says QUICK SPIT IT OUT ITS A PIECE OF ASS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uf8ak/little_johnny_is_sitting_in_class/
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I was fishing on vacation in Florida, when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
It was the snake........with two more frogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uf7h7/i_was_fishing_on_vacation_in_florida_when_i_ran/
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An ex-girlfriend is a lot like a box of chocolates...

She will also kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uezhl/an_exgirlfriend_is_a_lot_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Why are restaurants on the moon always so mediocre?

There's never any atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ueyca/why_are_restaurants_on_the_moon_always_so_mediocre/
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A doctor says to his patient, "Don't eat anything fatty..."

To which the patient replies, "Well what about fruit, can I eat that?"
"No fatty, don't eat anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uexf3/a_doctor_says_to_his_patient_dont_eat_anything/
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I wanna do stand up comedy on a gay cruise...

...so I can open with: "Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uet77/i_wanna_do_stand_up_comedy_on_a_gay_cruise/
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A bully and his gang walk into a Subway store

He then sees the sandwich artist (that's what they are called) is a skinny, young, inexperienced kid- a perfect target to bully while ordering some subs. He walks up to the kid and starts his order of his 6-inch sub
The kid then proceeds to cut a footlong sub bread in half for a 6-inch sub when the bully interjects, and attempts to start bullying the kid by pointing out in an annoyed voice: "That definitely looks shorter than six inches!"
The kid was undaunted, however, and propped his arms against the counter and in the sweetest voice, replied, "Dude, you need to stop listening to your girlfriend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uepy4/a_bully_and_his_gang_walk_into_a_subway_store/
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The teacher asked little Timmy if he could count numbers yet.

He replied "yes, my father taught me."
"Great," said the teacher. "What comes after three?"
"Four," Timmy replied.
"Well Done," the teacher said. "What comes after six?"
"Seven," Timmy replied.
"Finally, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.
"Jack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uephr/the_teacher_asked_little_timmy_if_he_could_count/
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My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she is up to now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uekz5/my_ex_girlfriend_was_obsessed_with_trying_to_find/
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Someone asked me if I wanted to have a threesome.

I told them if I wanted to disappoint two people I would have dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ue781/someone_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_have_a_threesome/
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Politically Correct Nightclub

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Lativan, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an America, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Isreali, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Musliam, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a Nightclub.
The bouncer says "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ue43c/politically_correct_nightclub/
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My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.

For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ue2zf/my_cousin_was_planning_to_take_an_uber_home_but/
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A man dies and goes to Hell.

In Hell, a demon welcomes him:
-Hey man, welcome to Hell, we got a pretty easy system here, we have three doors and you have to choose one room to spend eternity.
-Sounds good, says the man.
They approach the three doors on a hallway, the demon half opens one and tell the man "I'm only gonna let you hear what's going on"
The man hears people in the first room screaming and pleading for help and for it to stop, calling their mother's names and there's the smell of sulfur.
The man says "I'll pass, thank you"
The second door is ajar by the demon and the man can hear bones cracking constantly, whips and what seems like someone is being eaten.
"Oh, man, I'll pass this too"
The third door half opens and the man can hear people saying, in a very calm voice:
"don't make waves..........please don't make waves..................please"
The man hears this and thinks, well, this can't be that bad, it's not screaming and bone crushing.
"I think I'll stay here"
When the door opens, it's a sea of people up to their necks in shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ue1lb/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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It’s official,

Germany can never win on Russian soil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ue19o/its_official/
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A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ue163/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_do_you/
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My dog Minton ate my shuttlecock.

Bad Minton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8udzxo/my_dog_minton_ate_my_shuttlecock/
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Why is the element Ah always so hard to find on the periodic table?

It’s the element of surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8udyjq/why_is_the_element_ah_always_so_hard_to_find_on/
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What happened to the italian chef with cancer?

He pastaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8udu6p/what_happened_to_the_italian_chef_with_cancer/
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A man was delighted when his home was robbed

Every lamp in the house had been stolen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uds52/a_man_was_delighted_when_his_home_was_robbed/
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Wife needs a birthday present for her husband and only the pet store is open...

She went into the pet store, and said she wanted something for her husband.
Store clerk says "get him this frog", and shows her a pretty average looking frog
-how much is it?
-$300
- pretty steep for a common frog, isn't it?
-oh, this is not a common frog... see, it gives blowjobs
- Oh, he's gonna love it... i'll take it
Wife comes home and gives her husband the frog. It's an unusual present, but he takes it.
Later that night, the wife wakes up to a lot of noise coming from the kitchen... Her husband is not beside her, so he must be the one making all that noise. She hurries down the stairs to the kitchen, and she can hear water running, pots banging, knives chopping
...The smell of something cooking...
"oh no" -she thinks- "he's gonna eat the frog"
-HAROLD!! what are you doing!! the frog's not for eating!!!
-Oh, I know what the frog's for, honey... and trust me, I get that thing to learn how to cook, and YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8udog9/wife_needs_a_birthday_present_for_her_husband_and/
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Velcro is an item of horrible value

It's a rip-off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8udhwq/velcro_is_an_item_of_horrible_value/
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Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8udgvk/germanys_failure_in_the_world_cup_wasnt_that/
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I used to live in a tire...

But it got a puncture. So now, I live in a flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8udg9z/i_used_to_live_in_a_tire/
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As usual for Germany ...

it performs better in '14 than in '18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8udeif/as_usual_for_germany/
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The woman’s husband is crying in the corner

The woman goes up to her husband and asks what is wrong
The husband replies crying: I’m upset because the world is flat
The woman confused tells him that the world isn’t flat
The husband tells her: you are my world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8udcb1/the_womans_husband_is_crying_in_the_corner/
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What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon

About tennish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8udc6m/what_time_did_sean_connery_arrive_at_wimbledon/
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Jokes are like babies...

...if they don't have a good delivery, they just fall flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8udb2s/jokes_are_like_babies/
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The best way to earn money!

A man named John goes abroad to meet his old friend Mark he had not seen in a while.
As he arrives at the airport, goes outside, there, Mark is waiting in his private limousine.
John is a little amazed, but not anything special. As they arrive, John is impressed to see a giant mansion!
Inside,  thousands of artifacts and old books...
John asks: Mark, my brother, how did you get the money for this!?
Mark replies: Well, you see that bridge?
Yes, replies John
Mark continues: Its support was to be 25 feet taller, is was to be another 30 feet over the water in case of flooding,
it was to have 6 more traffic lanes, and not to mention the details! And guess where all that money went?
John says: Clever game, brother!
And John stayed at Marks place for another week, and when saying goodbyes at the airport John intimidates Mark to come over next week.
When Mark came, he was amazed!
John OWNED the airport, his mansion was more than double in size, doors of gold, gold plated walls, golden cutlery and other details you cant even imagine!
Mark asks: WHERE DID YOU GET THE MONEY FOR THIS?!
John replies:You see that bridge over there?
No, says Mark,
John laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8udam6/the_best_way_to_earn_money/
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What is the Master Chief's favorite band?

Slayer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ud9pq/what_is_the_master_chiefs_favorite_band/
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My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, “if you don’t mind I’d like to have a second opinion.”

He said “Alright. You’re ugly too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ud8bn/my_psychiatrist_told_me_im_going_crazy_i_told_him/
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[Long] There was a truck driver who loved to run over lawyers with his truck.

Every time the truck driver saw a lawyer walking by the road he would make sure to run them over with his truck. One day the truck driver saw a priest walking close to the road and thought he could do some good by offering the priest a lift. The priest was grateful for the offer as he had been walking for a long time and it was still far to the church.
On the way to the church the truck driver saw a lawyer walking by the road and out of habit he pointed the truck towards the lawyer to run him over. But then he remembered the priest sitting next to him and quickly turned the truck away from the lawyer just in time. Despite the truck driver doing his best to avoid hitting the lawyer he still heard a loud "BAM" sound. The driver was absolutely sure that he had managed to avoid the lawyer and wondered what the sound was. He turned to the priest and said "I am sorry father, I almost hit the lawyer back there", the priest replied "Dont worry, I managed to hit him with the car door!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ucq09/long_there_was_a_truck_driver_who_loved_to_run/
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I like my country like I like my whiskey....

Without ICE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ucpvm/i_like_my_country_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
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I was testing a new game..

My liberal friend is an amateur videogame developer, and asked me to check out a new mobile game he was working on.  I had a few hours to spare so I agreed to give it a go.  I quickly found out that in this game you play as a trans-gender dwarf, tasked with building a ship.  In order to accomplish this, you had to gather the necessary tools, supplies, collect money, meet and persuade certain artisans to help you, and research new technologies to make your ship larger, faster, more powerful, etc.  Every action in the game took some time to accomplish, but you could speed up the process with emeralds you slowly collect over time or pay some money to buy a bunch at once.  After about an hour of performing various tasks, constant upgrades and impatient actions that quickly depleted my emerald supply, I gave up.  When my friend asked me what I though of the game, my reply was:
It was okay, but it was full of micro trans actions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ucm5i/i_was_testing_a_new_game/
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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.
Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uclkm/the_difference_between_guts_and_balls_according/
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My family's surname is depressant, we all share a bleak outlook on life.

Except for my auntie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ucla6/my_familys_surname_is_depressant_we_all_share_a/
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My dad went for a blood glucose level test, this was way back in the 90's. After the test procedure was done, the nurse said, " your blood glucose levels are very high." To which my dad said, " Oh sweet!"

God bless his soul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uckva/my_dad_went_for_a_blood_glucose_level_test_this/
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I like my plastic containers like I like my jokes on this page

Recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ucfe3/i_like_my_plastic_containers_like_i_like_my_jokes/
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I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East

It's titled A Kuwait Place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ucemi/im_making_a_silent_film_set_in_the_middle_east/
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Optimus Prime: Autobots, roll out!

Pessimus Prime: Why? We’ll just lose...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ucdk3/optimus_prime_autobots_roll_out/
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I remember once I was forced to choose between Dwayne Johnson and a lifetime supply of frozen fish.

I was stuck between a Rock and a hard plaice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uc6yx/i_remember_once_i_was_forced_to_choose_between/
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When I die, I want my remains scattered around Disneyland.

And no, I don't want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uc4m4/when_i_die_i_want_my_remains_scattered_around/
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I'm going to sabotage the winners' tents in the next boy scouts competition...

I'll knock them down a peg or two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uc0pw/im_going_to_sabotage_the_winners_tents_in_the/
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A girl walks into a "no questions asked" abortion clinic.

The nurse says, "How can I help you?"
Girl says, "LYING BASTARDS!" and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ubyux/a_girl_walks_into_a_no_questions_asked_abortion/
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How do you know when a young man's joke becomes a dad joke?

When it's apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ubym0/how_do_you_know_when_a_young_mans_joke_becomes_a/
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There are three ways to respond to “I’m pregnant.”

You’re kidding!
You’re kidding.
You’re kidding? (This is from a universe where the process of making a child, or kid, is called kidding).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ubyi8/there_are_three_ways_to_respond_to_im_pregnant/
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If I had to describe myself in 3 words, it would be:

Can't count very well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ubw0a/if_i_had_to_describe_myself_in_3_words_it_would_be/
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Yesterday I did my comedy routine on the toilet

It was a real shitshow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ubua1/yesterday_i_did_my_comedy_routine_on_the_toilet/
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Getting married is like buying a dishwasher

You'll never need to do it by hand again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ubry3/getting_married_is_like_buying_a_dishwasher/
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Wife always brought a picture of her hubby to work.

H: Honey, why do you always carry a photo of me with you at work?
W: Coz everytime I have a problem, I just look at it and suddenly I feel much better.
H: I knew it! You really love me more than I love you!
W: Well, I just look at your photo and tell myself "no problem is bigger than this".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ubmti/wife_always_brought_a_picture_of_her_hubby_to_work/
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Dad, why did you and mom choose this name?

"You see Blue, its the anagram of something your mom loves as much as you"
And why is my sister called Lana ?
"For the same reason."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ubj4a/dad_why_did_you_and_mom_choose_this_name/
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A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ubh4f/a_woman_decided_to_have_a_face_lift_for_her/
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A man buys a pack of cigarettes, warning label on the pack says: Smoking causes impotence.

The man gives it back and says "WTF is this? Give me the one that causes lung cancer instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ubghe/a_man_buys_a_pack_of_cigarettes_warning_label_on/
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A Korean soccer player goes to the doctor

The doctor says "How can I help you?"
"One of my balls is sore and swollen. It's much bigger than the other one."
Doctor: "Show me"
"No, you'll laugh at me."
Doctor: "I see this stuff all the time. Let me have a look."
"Ok but only if you promise not to laugh."
Doctor: "I promise. Really."
So the korean soccer player puts his hands down the front of his shorts and pulls out a huge testicle and flops it on the table."
The doctor can't help himself and bursts out laughing.
The soccer player is distraught. He says "I'm not going to show you the big one now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ube6u/a_korean_soccer_player_goes_to_the_doctor/
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I like my coffee like I like my women

Reposted every 30 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ub4f6/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;)
There are some cracking jokes in the comments so make sure to have a scroll.
My personal favourite from /u/loguntsova - guess  they're saur krauts now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ub4d9/whats_the_difference_between_a_tea_bag_and_the/
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We need to stop mixing races. By doing so it creates people with an unfair advantage when it comes to competition.

No matter how hard I try I still can't outrun a Nascar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uaz6o/we_need_to_stop_mixing_races_by_doing_so_it/
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World Cup joke

Well Germany was never very good at winning in Russia anyway...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uaxfv/world_cup_joke/
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A boy gets a tractor for his birthday...

One day a young boy is lucky enough to be able to get a tractor for his birthday. He loves it and gets really good at driving it. Eventual once he is a bit older he enters into a tractor race and he manages to win first place. He gets better and better, entering more and more races earning quite a bit of cash, as he grows older he peruses the sport of tractor racing as his career.
One day, on a casual race the tractor swerves and he crashes. He's rushed to the hospital, and when he eventually wakes up the doctor has bad news. He can never ride tractors again as it could endanger his life. The man is distraught and but realises there is nothing he can do, he gets rid of all of his trophies, and other tractor memorabilia, he swore never to touch a tractor again.
Many years later, after he has found the love of his life and married her, one night he is out watching a movie. After it finches they get back to their house only to realise it has been consumed by flames. The wife is screaming but the man says in a heroic voice "Don't worry I know what to do" as he steps towards the roaring flames. He then exhales deeply and with an incredible force, he sucks in all of the flames and smoke from the burning house, extinguishing the fire. The wife in shock says "What the hell, how did you do that?"
"Well it's simple" he replies "I'm an extractor fan".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uax78/a_boy_gets_a_tractor_for_his_birthday/
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What is the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew?

A boy scout comes back from camp....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uap9j/what_is_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a/
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Why is it unfair to compare Trump to Hitler?

Hitler started with nothing.  Trump got a million bucks from his dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uap99/why_is_it_unfair_to_compare_trump_to_hitler/
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A teacher asks her class “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Lambo, a condo on the beach, a mansion in London, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides to move on
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uam4s/a_teacher_asks_her_class_what_do_you_want_to_be/
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The Fence

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. . . . .
Some nut poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uak3t/the_fence/
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I cant find my gone in 60 seconds dvd

It was here a minute ago...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uad6p/i_cant_find_my_gone_in_60_seconds_dvd/
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I saved a tiny baby raven and now he won't leave

I guess you could say he's micro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8uabpb/i_saved_a_tiny_baby_raven_and_now_he_wont_leave/
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Thug gets Thug Lifed

A young thug with his pants hanging half off his ass walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ua9ya/thug_gets_thug_lifed/
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A friend and I wanted to get a hooker, but we could only afford one hand job so we had to flip a coin...

Luckily I won the toss...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ua96o/a_friend_and_i_wanted_to_get_a_hooker_but_we/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ua75y/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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What did the farmer say about his hot pepper farm in the mountains?

It's a little chilly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ua5dh/what_did_the_farmer_say_about_his_hot_pepper_farm/
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I once was asked to star in a movie for a million dollars but I declined.

I don't have that much money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ua3ya/i_once_was_asked_to_star_in_a_movie_for_a_million/
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The blonde's bet

Bob walked into his favorite sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said:"Do you think he'll jump?".
Bob said: "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied: "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said: "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair.” she said, “Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied: "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ua3u3/the_blondes_bet/
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[Title Redacted]

\[Deleted\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ua39j/title_redacted/
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Jump?

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?" "No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, \`Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u9xwv/jump/
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A golfer was on vacation in Ireland

and while playing he made a hole in one. With that, a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."
The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make my weenie a bit larger?"
Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee, his penis was showing below his shorts. He continued his game and on the 15th hole, it was dragging along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly drag it to the green.
He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. The pro told him that according to legend, you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again. So after purchasing five buckets of balls, he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole in one. Again the leprechaun offered any wish.
The player asked, "Could ya make me legs a bit longer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u9x1c/a_golfer_was_on_vacation_in_ireland/
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I ran into a 19 year old hipster who’s favorite musician was Jimi Hendrix...

It was so strange to see a hipster who liked older music, so I had to ask, “What about his music did you like so much?”
“I just love underground artists” he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u9tmv/i_ran_into_a_19_year_old_hipster_whos_favorite/
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One’s heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u9tdq/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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I just got some Sudoku toilet paper

Sadly, I can't complete it because I can only fill it with 1s and 2s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u9ru5/i_just_got_some_sudoku_toilet_paper/
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"Where Do You See Yourself 5 Years From Now?"

Either not working here or dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u9dx3/where_do_you_see_yourself_5_years_from_now/
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My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.

It is driving him up the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u9btz/my_grandfather_is_really_frustrated_that_he_has/
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Make love, not war.

If you want both, get married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u9bov/make_love_not_war/
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Hands Up!

Put the karma in the bag and no one gets hurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u99av/hands_up/
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I can cut wood in half just by looking at it

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u98te/i_can_cut_wood_in_half_just_by_looking_at_it/
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Mom, what's a pussy?

"Mom, what's a pussy?," the boy asks.
The mom gets a little flustered and abruptly answers. "A cat! It's a cat, sweetie."
"Mom, what's a bitch?"
Again, caught off guard but with only slight hesitation, the mother answers, "A dog. It's a dog, sweetie."
Having a feeling that he's not getting the whole story, he goes to ask dad.
"Dad, what's a pussy?"
Dad pulls out a nude photo of a woman. He circled the area. "You see what's inside the circle? That's a pussy, son."
"Dad, what's a bitch?"
"Everything outside the circle, son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u977a/mom_whats_a_pussy/
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I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
.
Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
.
Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Dont ask me how, but it really works!
Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.
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Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
Now, aint that something..?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u953s/i_can_predict_your_favorite_movie_with_one_simple/
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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops.

A blonde, a brunette,  and a redhead are running from the cops. They pull into a forest and each climb up a separate tree. The cop parks and walks up to the tree with the brunette.
"I know you're up there, get down from there."
Cheep cheep cheep cheep....
He hears the chirping and is convinced it's just a bird. He goes to the second tree with the redhead.
"Get down right now. I don't have the patience."
Hoo. Hoo.
He hears the hooting and is convinced it's just a  owl. He walks up to the tree with the blonde.
"I know you're up there. Get down right now."
After some silence and much thought....
"MOOOOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u94vn/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_running_from/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u93b4/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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Satan greets a man tthat's arrived in Hell.

Hey there, I'm Satan, the dark Lord. As you can see, we have three doors. You pick one, I reveal what's behind the door, and that's your punishment for the next 100 years. But since I'm feeling generous, I'll show you what's behind the doors before you guess.
Satan unveils the first and it's a man getting whipped. The man is in utter agony and his wounds constantly heal over just to get reopened.
"That's too much. I think I'll pass."
Satan unveils the second and it's a man getting  beaten to death by a gang of silverback gorillas. They rip off limbs only to get reattached and broken some more.
"NO WAY. DEFINITELY PASS."
Satan unveils the third... what a sight. A perfect 10 model is on her knees giving an old man the best blowjob of his (after)life.
"Number three!"
"You sure?"
"100%. It's not even close."
Satan shrugs and obliges. He walks up to the blonde and says, "Get up, I found your replacement."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u922m/satan_greets_a_man_tthats_arrived_in_hell/
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Have you ever had Jewish coffee?

You'd like it, Israeli good!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u90w7/have_you_ever_had_jewish_coffee/
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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.
Hey. How's it going?
Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.
I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?
Of course.
Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you want. Vodka, gin, tequila, rum...whatever! Make your own if you want. You don't have to drive home. You don't have to worry about your liver or alcohol poisoning. You're already dead. Were you a smoker?
Yes, I was.
Tuesdays, smoke it up. We have all the cigarettes and cigars. Even the best Cubans. You don't need to worry about lung cancer. You're already dead. Did you get high when you were alive?
Sometimes.
Wednesdays, get as high as you want. Weed, coke, PCP, crack, LSD.. whatever! Make your own. Not like you'll overdose. You're already dead.
This actually does sound quite fun.
I know, right? It's not so bad. Did you ever stick anything up your ass when you were alive?
No...
You're not going to like Thursdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u9063/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u8xuj/whats_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
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A Russian goes to Africa.

A Russian goes to Africa and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.
"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."
"What's the danger in that?"
"One of them is a cannibal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u8wjz/a_russian_goes_to_africa/
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A priest, a rabbi, and an imam...

A priest, a rabbi and an imam are walking through a field discussing the glory of God. The priest comes up with an idea.
"Let's draw a circle on the ground and throw all our money in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle, God can keep."
The imam says, "I have an even better idea. Let's draw the same circle on the ground and throw all our money in the air. Except this time, whatever lands outside the circle, God can keep."
The rabbi exclaims, "I have the best idea. Let's throw all our money in the air and whatever stays up there, God can keep."
Hope this didn't offend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u8vul/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_an_imam/
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My roommates a thief. I left a 6 pack of beer in my fridge last night and this morning there's only a couple left.

It's a 4 gone conclusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u8vpa/my_roommates_a_thief_i_left_a_6_pack_of_beer_in/
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Baseball Coach

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,
curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u8vfx/baseball_coach/
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A blonde sees a man carrying a thermos

and becomes perplexed.
"What is that? "
"A thermos."
"What does it do?"
"It keeps a hot thing hot, and a cold thing cold."
"I don't understand."
"If I put coffee in here, the coffee stays hot. If I put ice cream in here, it stays cold."
The blonde is amazed and buys one for herself. The following day, one of her friends spots her with her brand new thermos.
"What is that? "
"A thermos."
"What does it do?"
"It keeps a hot thing hot, and a cold thing cold."
"So what did you put in it?"
"Coffee and ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u8uej/a_blonde_sees_a_man_carrying_a_thermos/
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Two blonds fall into a deep hole. One says "it's very dark down here, isn't it?

The other says "I don't know, I can't see..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u8qm8/two_blonds_fall_into_a_deep_hole_one_says_its/
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Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute !!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u8lbj/two_polish_guys_were_taking_their_first_train/
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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u8jwi/on_the_first_night_of_their_honeymoon_the_new/
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A really kind old man tried to sell me an expensive marionette for $5

I thought this was a great offer and bought it straight away, but now I understand what he meant by "$5, no strings attached".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u8i4m/a_really_kind_old_man_tried_to_sell_me_an/
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A hero at a mental hospital.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.  One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and sabed John bu pilling him out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be okay.
The doctor met with David and said, “We have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u8hah/a_hero_at_a_mental_hospital/
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The guy who invented strepsils died..

There was no coffin at the funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u8fwb/the_guy_who_invented_strepsils_died/
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A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u8dww/a_man_in_an_interrogation_room_says_im_not_saying/
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Where do Arctic Monkeys store their food to keep it cool.

Indie fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u85r5/where_do_arctic_monkeys_store_their_food_to_keep/
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What's the difference between Trump and Macron?

One can speak English fluently and the other is the US President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u81bk/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_macron/
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A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u80cl/a_man_in_an_interrogation_room_says_im_not_saying/
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Donald Trump is old enough not be expected to know how Twitter works.

He might think he's just messaging his friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u7ry0/donald_trump_is_old_enough_not_be_expected_to/
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Have you seen the videos in which people confuse their pets by disappearing unexpectedly?

I’m sick of that sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u7mhk/have_you_seen_the_videos_in_which_people_confuse/
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How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u7lyi/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_an_indian/
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What did the pirate get on his report card?

Seven Cs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u7kbu/what_did_the_pirate_get_on_his_report_card/
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9/10 people on reddit are idiots...

I’m glad to be a part of the 1%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u7gly/910_people_on_reddit_are_idiots/
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If I had a dime for every homeless man that asked for money

I would probably keep it for myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u7f30/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_homeless_man_that_asked/
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Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u7ex7/why_does_italy_have_such_a_low_teen_pregnancy_rate/
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Three blondes walking through the woods...

One of them stops and points at the ground in excitement saying, "Oh my gosh look.  Those are like, bunny tracks!"
"Those are so not bunny tracks.  They're deer tracks."  The second blonde says in a matter-of-fact tone.
The third blonde, with hands on her hips, says "Your both wrong.  They're not bunny tracks and they're not deer tracks.  They're-"
A train suddenly hits them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u7c6f/three_blondes_walking_through_the_woods/
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3 men are standing in the roof of a tall building

One man turns to one of the others and says "This building is magic. I can jump off and then float back up."
The other man calls bullshit, and dares the first to prove it.
The man jumps and and a short time later floats up to the roof and goes back to standing next to the others.
The second man is excited and goes to try it himself. Instead of floating back up, he meets his very painful end on the ground below.
The third man looks at the first and says "You know Superman, you're a real asshole."
(first heard this about 18 years ago so I'm iffy on exactly how it goes. But still generally the same I think)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u79k7/3_men_are_standing_in_the_roof_of_a_tall_building/
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A prostitute walks up to a man

And says hi there... If you can describe what you want me to do for you in three words, I will do anything you want for 100 dollars.
The man, without any hesitation replies: paint my house
Don't know if it's a repost but just got reminded of it and thought I'd share :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u77x4/a_prostitute_walks_up_to_a_man/
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A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
"You never came up in the discussion," she replied !!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u73o6/a_fiftyish_woman_was_at_home_happily_jumping_on/
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I used to be a trapeze artist...

...but I couldn't swing it, so they let me go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u73h1/i_used_to_be_a_trapeze_artist/
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Why did Muslims win the race?

Because they fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u7069/why_did_muslims_win_the_race/
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What a do a bunch of people in Brazil speak? Portuguese. What does just one Brazilian speak?

Portugoose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6zsd/what_a_do_a_bunch_of_people_in_brazil_speak/
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A teacher asks a student

Teacher: Now simon, tell me do you say your prayers before eating?
Simon: No miss, I don't have to, my mom's a good cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6yun/a_teacher_asks_a_student/
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Travel to Mars

After years of work and billions of dollars, we can send a single astronaut to Mars and back. Jimmy is chosen to go on the mission with zero possibility of communication until he returns 10 years later. With a huge celebration, the shuttle takes off and the wait begins. After 10 years, Jimmy returns. Everyone is ecstatic, scientists, politicians and reporters all ask the same question: "Is there life on Mars?"
"It's a dead, stupid planet" answers Jimmy, shrugging. Everybody is sad, disappointed,  accepting defeat.
When he's back at his house, his kid asks again "Dad, is there really no life on Mars?"
"Okay, so all the stores close at 2pm and they don't have whiskey, would you call it a life?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6til/travel_to_mars/
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How to make an ice cube melt faster?

Talk to it and get into a heated argument

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6sw2/how_to_make_an_ice_cube_melt_faster/
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Why is a sperm donation more expensive than a blood donation?

Cuz' it's hand made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6stp/why_is_a_sperm_donation_more_expensive_than_a/
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Mushrooms

A man was talking to his friend on the phone after many years:
"Hey buddy, how is your life, heards you got married again, is this the fourth time now?"
"Yes"
"So what happened to your ex-wives, do you still see them?"
"No, they're all dead."
"My condolences,  how did the first one die?"
"She was poisoned, eating mushrooms"
"Terrible. What about the second one?"
"She was also poisoned, mushrooms"
"Wow, don't tell me your third wife also died because of mushrooms?.."
"No, her neck was broken"
"I see, car accident then."
"No. She refused to eat the mushrooms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6pjk/mushrooms/
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The Samurai Contest

Three Samurais were arguing which of them was the best Samurai out of the three. Each believed they were the best. In the middle of their discussion, a fly comes in through the window and starts buzzing around them. Getting an idea, the first samurai takes out his sword and slashes through the air! The fly falls to ground, completely split into two equal pieces. The two other samurais were impressed.
Not to be outdone, the second samurai steps up. Another fly comes in through the window and he slashes his sword! The fly drops to the ground, still moving and very much alive, but its wings were completely sliced off. The other two were even more impressed.
Finally, the third samurai steps up as a third fly comes in. He slices his sword through the air!!! But, nothing happens. The fly still lazily buzzes around the room. The third samurai just smirks and sheathes his blade.
"What are you so smug about?" The first samurai questions, "The fly is still flying around the room."
"Yes of course," The third samurai answers, "But he will never be able to have any children."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6loh/the_samurai_contest/
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What do you call an underwater dog that likes music?

A Sub-Woofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6kpg/what_do_you_call_an_underwater_dog_that_likes/
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I just ordered a realistic replica of my likeness from the neck up. Hopefully someday I can afford the full body option but...

I’m getting a head of myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6kf4/i_just_ordered_a_realistic_replica_of_my_likeness/
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I saw some statistics about homosexuality in men

They say 50% are born gay and the rest are sucked into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6k91/i_saw_some_statistics_about_homosexuality_in_men/
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A young monk arrives at the monastery

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
"We missed the R!
"We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was ...
CELEB R ATE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6iac/a_young_monk_arrives_at_the_monastery/
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Two blondes are walking, when one asks, “which is closer, the moon, or Florida?” The second blonde responds “Duh...

can you SEE Florida?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6g0p/two_blondes_are_walking_when_one_asks_which_is/
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Why should you never wear Ukranian underwear?

Chernobyl Fallout.
An elderly friend told me this joke, just thought I'd traumatise people with it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6d7h/why_should_you_never_wear_ukranian_underwear/
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There were these 2 sisters

named Lee and Ling. Now, when they were very young, their mother died, leaving them with only their names and their single father. Their father loved them very much and in all these years hadn't gotten over their mother. This made him very very overprotective of his daughters. Eventually Lee and Ling turned 18 and Lee had grown up hating her name, but her father wouldn't let her change it, " Your mother named you" he'd say, "It's the last thing she left us with". Lee didn't care, once she was 18, she went to court to get her name changed. She asked her sister Ling to get the money to pay the fee from their dad's wallet. Ving and Ling were there, ready to pay the fee. Right then their dad burst in! He'd found out what was happening. He yelled, "Don't! Stop! Be Lee Ving! Hold on to that fee Ling!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6cvr/there_were_these_2_sisters/
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Intimate bathroom conversation . . .

I was in a men's room and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next stall.
He said, “Hi, how are you?” Embarrassed I said, “I am doing fine.”
The voice said, “So what are you up to?” I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”
From the next stall came, “Can I come over?” Annoyed, I replied, “Rather busy right now!”
Then the voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the next stall here answering all of my questions.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6byt/intimate_bathroom_conversation/
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What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking!
JK ROLLING

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u6av8/what_is_harry_potters_favorite_way_to_get_down_a/
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I'd like to brag that after a full year of marriage I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u698s/id_like_to_brag_that_after_a_full_year_of/
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Scientists have finally been confirming Einstein's theory about space

It's about time too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u697y/scientists_have_finally_been_confirming_einsteins/
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Two elephants meet a totally naked guy.

After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u67g7/two_elephants_meet_a_totally_naked_guy/
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A man was trying to become rich by gaining weight

He was trying to make a four chin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u66tx/a_man_was_trying_to_become_rich_by_gaining_weight/
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The reason women are responsible for more accidents at intersections....

must be because they don't have as much experience pulling out as men do.
(OC I think? Thought it up when a woman pulled out right in front of me today, and then had a stupid "what did I do wrong" look on her face when I honked at her for it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u63nj/the_reason_women_are_responsible_for_more/
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A Close Shave

An older man getting his hair cut said to the barber,  “I have very loose skin on my face so I can never seem to get a good close shave. Any ideas?”
The barber handed him a small wooden ball and said, “Place this in your mouth and roll it around to whichever side I’m shaving. It will stretch out the skin and I’ll give you the best shave you’ve had in years.”
The man did what the barber said and sure enough. his face was smooth as silk after the shave. He spit out the wooden ball and said, “I just have one question- What would happen if I accidentally swallowed that wooden ball?”
“You’d bring it back in a few days,  like everyone else does.”
Edit- put the punchline in the post instead of in the comment section...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u63ie/a_close_shave/
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What song does Han Solo play when he flies away from Cloud City?

Bailando

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u61py/what_song_does_han_solo_play_when_he_flies_away/
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A depressed man walks into a bar. Not just any bar though, this bar is located on the 112th floor of a skyscraper.

The depressed man, dragging his head, sits down and with a slight sob in his voice asks the bar tender for his cheapest whiskey.
A tall, somewhat nerdy looking gentleman sitting nearby notices the depressed man, "Hey buddy, what's bothering you?".
The depressed man looks deep into his glass shaking slightly, "My wife left me for my best friend... she took everything, the house, my kids, my money, even my dog. I have nothing left".
The gentleman smirks, "Well hey, it's never too late to turn things around".
The depressed man turns with empty bloodshot eyes, in a harsh tone, "What do you know of it, pretty boy?! It's easy to say that shit when you're so well off!"
The gentleman slaps his knee, "Hah! Just three months ago I was right where you're sitting! There is a secret in this bar though... one that can change everything!"
Skeptical, the depressed man scoffed, "Yeah, right. Sure..."
The gentleman stands up sharply and gestures to a window behind him, "This here is a magical window. If you leap from it and make a wish on the way down, you will instantly pop back into this room and your wish will be granted!"
The depressed man drinks from his cheap whiskey and pretends to ignore the clearly insane ramblings.
Grinning, the gentleman walks to the window and opens it, "Don't believe me? Fine, I'll prove it to you." The gentleman begins to step out of the window…
In a state of shock, the depressed man stumbles to try and pull the lunatic from the open window, but he is too late! In a thundering clap, the entire bar shakes as a gust of wind rips through, clashing glasses and knocking over stools. To the depressed man's disbelief, the gentleman was back in the room standing near the pool tables!
In awe, the depressed man stutters, "H...how... wh... what did you wish for?!.
With proud look the gentleman announced, "I wished for superhuman strength!" As he spoke, he grasped the side of the nearby pool table and lifted it high into the air with a single hand!
The depressed man still in shock looked back at the magic window, "S... so all I need to do is c... climb out that window and make a wish??"
The gentleman nodded. Moving towards the window the depressed man was scared, but for the first time in months he was gripped by another emotion - hope. He looks out the window down 112 stories to the busy streets below. The people down below looked like ants trapped in a maze. The man hesitated and looked back. With one last nod from the gentleman, he let go of the window sill.
After several moments the hard packing sound mixed with shattered glass and the screams of women rang out through the air.
.
.
.
.
.
The bartender, while cleaning the whiskey glass, says in a disapproving tone, "That was fucked up, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u60ey/a_depressed_man_walks_into_a_bar_not_just_any_bar/
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Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm...

I’m the CIEIO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u5ylq/just_got_a_job_as_senior_director_at_old/
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I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.

It’s just something I could really see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u5wq1/i_think_i_want_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
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Knock, knock.

“Who’s there?”
“Owls.”
“Owls who?”
“Yeah they do.😏”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u5rzm/knock_knock/
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I like my coffee how i like my women

WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS FUCKING DICK IN IT, JESSICA YOU FUCKING SLUT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u5rfw/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
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Diarrhea is genetic...

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u5jy1/diarrhea_is_genetic/
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What does the note on a vacationing nuclear physicist's office door say?

Gone fission.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u5js1/what_does_the_note_on_a_vacationing_nuclear/
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My phone stopped working!!! what do i do?

Then someone said put it in rice... BUT WHY?... The rice attracts asians which secretly repair your phone at night...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u5hp5/my_phone_stopped_working_what_do_i_do/
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My shits are like my relationships

The longer they are, the more stretched my asshole becomes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u5gcm/my_shits_are_like_my_relationships/
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What sound is made if a piano falls down a mineshaft?

A-flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u5cpx/what_sound_is_made_if_a_piano_falls_down_a/
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What's the difference between a farmer MC and this joke?

One is a reap host; the other's a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u5b0q/whats_the_difference_between_a_farmer_mc_and_this/
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The "Old Man" from Pawn Stars died yesterday

Rick wasn't sure he was dead so he called in an expert. Turns out he was dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u58qb/the_old_man_from_pawn_stars_died_yesterday/
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So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u5850/so_barack_obama_and_donald_trump_somehow_ended_up/
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What does an Arab eat in Mexico?

Inshalladas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u50am/what_does_an_arab_eat_in_mexico/
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At what time do people finish eating?

Ate-o-clock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u4zuv/at_what_time_do_people_finish_eating/
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Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u4zhp/once_upon_a_time/
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I'm gonna tell you a British joke...

France

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u4yac/im_gonna_tell_you_a_british_joke/
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Jokes are still like U.S presidents

There is only a new one once every 4 years, sometimes 8!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u4wry/jokes_are_still_like_us_presidents/
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Mr. Koala is smoking a blunt

Mr. Lizard wanders up to his tree and shouts "Hey, Mr. Koala!  What are you up to?" He replies "smoking a blunt, want to hit it?"
Mr. lizard climbs the tree and he and Mr. Koala smoke and bullshit for a while.  Eventually Mr. Lizard says "I've got a real bad case of cottonmouth.  I'm gonna go to the watering hole, I'll be back, Mr. Koala" Mr. Koala nods and he goes off to the watering hole.  While he greedily laps up water, Mr. Alligator swims over.  "What's up, Mr. Lizard?" "I was just smoking some dank shit with Mr. Koala" he replies.  "You think he would smoke me out?" Say Mr. Alligator.  "Of course.  Mr. Koala is a super awesome dude, he's always willing to share." Mr. Alligator excitedly climbs out of the water and waddles over to Mr. Koalas tree.  "Hey, Mr. Koala!" He yells.  Mr. Koala finishes the pull he's taking and looks down.  Shock spreads across his face.
"DAMN, MR. LIZARD!  HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u4rxp/mr_koala_is_smoking_a_blunt/
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News break: A fortune telling midget just escaped from prison, police are reporting to be on the lookout for a:

Small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u4o8w/news_break_a_fortune_telling_midget_just_escaped/
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Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A monkey eating cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u4he6/why_do_elephants_paint_their_balls_red/
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I get boners when I see hot girls

I was walking in a store one day looking down at my phone, being unaware of my surroundings I walked into someone.
When I walked into the person I made them drop the books they were carrying.
My cock immediatly flicked up as soon as I realized it was a hot girl, trying really hard to hide my boner I get on my knees to help her pick up her books.
I gather up some confidence while helping her pick up her books, "can we go on a date?" I wisper.
"Hmm? I didn't hear you" She replied.
I gather up some confidence again and say it loudly "can I take you out on a date?"
"You know what, i'm busy until next week but I would like to get to know you, maybe it was faith that you walked into me? I'll leave my number with you." She says.
Super excited I take her number, but being as shy as I am when it comes to talking to girls, I never got the confidence to call her.
A week later I used all of the confidence I have to call her and ask her if she would like to get some drinks together, she says "sure", I tell her to come at my house, i'll pay for her uber when she arrives and i'll drive my car to take us, she agrees.
Knowing that I will get a boner when she comes I try to think of a way to hide it, I get the briliant idea to duct tape my dick to my leg.
I duct tape my dick to my leg and then 2 hours go by, she arrives and she is knocking on my door, I run to go and open it.
When I opened the door I kicked her in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u4cnu/i_get_boners_when_i_see_hot_girls/
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Not all prostitutes give oral sex

Just a heads up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u453b/not_all_prostitutes_give_oral_sex/
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Why did the flying cows decide to come back to the ground?

The steaks were too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u3vjq/why_did_the_flying_cows_decide_to_come_back_to/
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The best thing in life is unexpected sex in the morning

Unless you're in prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u3v5q/the_best_thing_in_life_is_unexpected_sex_in_the/
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A rabbi was lost at sea when he saw an island in the distance.

The rabbi swims to the island and climbs up onto the beach when he sees a small, round creature roll down the hill. Then another, and another. He goes over and asks one “Who are you?” The creature responds “We’re Trids! We just go up the hill,” as they point to a hill in the distance, “and a giant kicks us down!” The rabbi is curious, and treks all the way to the top of the hill, where he sees the giant. He sees Trids being kicked down the hill while laughing hysterically. The rabbi asks the giant, “Can I get a kick? That looks fun!” to which the giant responds, “Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u3qxx/a_rabbi_was_lost_at_sea_when_he_saw_an_island_in/
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What are the ten letters of the Pirate alphabet?

I, I, R, and the seven Cs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u3lxl/what_are_the_ten_letters_of_the_pirate_alphabet/
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It’s been 18 years

And we still have no idea who it was that let dogs out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u3j7r/its_been_18_years/
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People say maintaining a long term relationship with a girl is the same as having a full time job. I for one think there complete opposites.

After 10 years, my job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u3cvn/people_say_maintaining_a_long_term_relationship/
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Little Johnny gets a splinter

Not mine, heard it years back. I hope it hasn't been posted in some time.
One day little Johnny is climbing a tree in his backyard when he gets a splinter. Moving as fast as he can, he runs into the house screaming for his mother.
"Mommy! Mommy! Help! Help! I need cider, quick!"
Confused, his mother stops helping his sister Lisa with her homework and asks him what he's going on about. Johnny explains that he has a splinter and he needs cider for his finger to heal.
Confused his mother asks him where he got such a strange idea from and Johnny explains, "Well, Lisa told me that when ever she gets a prick in her hand she has to put it in cider".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u3b0h/little_johnny_gets_a_splinter/
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I walked into the bedroom to find my wife dead on the bed the other day.

Looking at her, lifeless and just laying there, I decided to have one last go.
Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO!
Honestly, some people are just sick in the fucking head!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u37j4/i_walked_into_the_bedroom_to_find_my_wife_dead_on/
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Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name," asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.” Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad," his mother asked? "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, and your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the crap out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the crap out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?" she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two Muslims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u33m8/seven_year_old_mohammad_entered_his_classroom_on/
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Woman gets perved on while her massive boyfriend is in the restroom

When her giant of a boyfriend returns she tells him that the weird looking guy at the bar had perved on her while he was away.
&nbsp;
She says that the guy said he wanted to unbutton her blouse and jiggle her big ol’ titties. Her boyfriend stands up and says “right I’m having a word with that guy”.
&nbsp;
She goes on to say he also said he wanted to bend her over, pull her panties down and spank her big wobbly ass. Her boyfriend goes red in the face, takes his jacket off and says “imma go smack that mother fucker”
&nbsp;
The woman then explains that the weird guy also said he wanted to flip her upside down, fill her pussy full of beer and drink it with a straw.
&nbsp;
At this point the guy puts his jacket back on and calmly sits back down again. His girlfriends asks him why he isn’t going to do anything about the other guy disrespecting her.
&nbsp;
“Well honey, if the guy can seriously drink that much beer I ain’t gonna fuck with him”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u331b/woman_gets_perved_on_while_her_massive_boyfriend/
%
I don’t drink anymore.

Nor do I drink any less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u30tz/i_dont_drink_anymore/
%
I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Actually, it's more of a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u2wrx/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
%
A robber breaks into a house

and he hears a voice saying
“Jesus is watching you”
he stops but then assumes it must be just in his head. Again he hears
“Jesus is watching you”
finally he looks over and sees a parrot. He says to the parrot “what’s your name?” The parrot says “Moses” the robber replies "what kind of people name their parrot moses??” The parrot says “the same people who name their pitbull Jesus”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u2uui/a_robber_breaks_into_a_house/
%
I didn't drink for ten years, then one day...

I turned 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u2ptd/i_didnt_drink_for_ten_years_then_one_day/
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A theater owner has a smudge on his sign

He climbs the ladder to clean it, but he is afraid of heights and soils himself, causing his underwear to stick to him uncomfortably. He now has two problems:
.
.
.
.
Marquee mark and the funky bunch
I'm so sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u2ouh/a_theater_owner_has_a_smudge_on_his_sign/
%
I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u2omv/i_was_telling_a_girl_i_met_in_a_bar_last_night/
%
A tourist is driving through the Australian outback

He turns a corner to see a guy having sex with a sheep on the roadside
Disgusted and shocked he sees a pub up the road and calls in.
As he enters he sees a one legged Australian masturbating against the bar.
"Dear God" he says to the barman.."This country is disgusting"
Barman replies "Why is that mate ?"
Tourist says "I've just seen a man having sex with a sheep and now a one legged man masturbating by the bar"
"Be fair mate", said the barman, "You can't expect a one legged bloke to catch a sheep !!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u2nu6/a_tourist_is_driving_through_the_australian/
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I was trying to come up with a joke about social security

I abandoned the idea because you probably won't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u2lt0/i_was_trying_to_come_up_with_a_joke_about_social/
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Whats the difference between a brothel and a circus?

The latter is a cunning array of stunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u2lfg/whats_the_difference_between_a_brothel_and_a/
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One of them Deevorces

A backwoods country bumpkin goes to his lawyer and says, "Sir, I wanna git mahself one uh them thar deevorces."
The lawyer says, "Ok, well, you need grounds for a divorce."
The farmer says, "I has grounds sir, a hunderd an fitty acres of it."
The lawyer says, "No, I mean, you need a case!"
The farmer says, "I has one-uh them too! Keep mah doc-u-mints in it!".
The lawyer says, "No.... No.... You need a to file a suit."
The farmer says, "Sir, I has the suit, wear it tah church err'y Sumday."
The lawyer sighs. "Ok, let me put it to you this way... Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer says, "No sir, wife's a white woman, 'bout 5 feet tall... Had herself a nagger baby though..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u2i8y/one_of_them_deevorces/
%
I went to locksmithing school

I learned some key information

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u2hyd/i_went_to_locksmithing_school/
%
Husband and wife walking down the road

Husband tells his wife that her ass is getting so big it looks like an old washing washing machine. Wife just keeps quiet and carries on walking.
&nbsp;
Later that night in bed the husband tries to get jiggy with his wife. She isn’t having any of it and says “I’m not starting this washing machine up for such a small load, you’ll have to do it by hand”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u2esq/husband_and_wife_walking_down_the_road/
%
Guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder...

Sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps off, runs over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
Barman says "Dude, your monkey just swallowed my cue ball!"
"Yeah he swallows things all the time, sorry about that. I'll pay for the loss."
The rest of the night passes.
A week later, the guy returns to the bar with his monkey, sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar, grabs a cherry out of a bowl, sticks it up his ass, pulls it back out and swallows it.
"Dude! Your monkey just stuck a cherry up its ass then swallowed it!"
"Yeah he's still swallowing everything, but after swallowing that cue ball he now measures things first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u2dvl/guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_monkey_on_his_shoulder/
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Voodoo Penis

A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except ... the Voodoo Penis !'
The husband said 'The what' ?
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo !'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door !'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box !' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off.
So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me .'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, **'Yeah right ... Voodoo Penis, my ass!'**
And the rest is history :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u23bv/voodoo_penis/
%
I really can't stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they've got more cash than I do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u22o2/i_really_cant_stand_it_when_homeless_guys_shake/
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The Priests final test

There were 5 Priests-to-be in a room, each were at the final stages of their tests to become full priests. The test involved tying a bell to their penis and having a sexy woman walk by them, if the bell rang they failed.
.
The sexy woman entered the room and walked past the first Priest, he had no reaction and passed. The sexy woman walked past the 2nd Priest, he also had no reaction and passed. The woman walked past the 3rd and 4th Priests, who also had no reaction and passed.
.
The woman now walked past the 5th Priest,
*DING DING*
.
His bell had rung, he got an erection which made the bell fall off his penis and onto the floor... The Priest went red and was embarresed beyond belief, he quickly walked forward and bent over to pick up his bell
(In the background)
*DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DINGLE LING DING DINGLE LING DING DING*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1ynx/the_priests_final_test/
%
The Gorilla

A gorilla is sitting in a tree...and he is a pretty horny. There are no other apes around but he sees the lion eating a boar and he thinks about it and decides that a hole is a hole so he jumps down and fucks the lion in the ass. the lion lets out a terrifying roar and whips around but the gorilla has already finished and is scampering off through the jungle now.
The gorilla knows he can't outrun the lion and he is gaining fast. Just then the gorilla hears the clanking of dishes and human voices. He turns and runs into the camp and everyone runs at the sight of this 600 lb Silverback Gorilla. The gorilla goes into an empty tent and picks up a already lit cigar shoves it in his mouth, throws on a jungle helmet and hurriedly sits down and picks up the discarded newspaper.
Just then the lion busts through the tent flaps and looks around and asks "Excuse me Sir, have you seen a gorilla come through here?"
Without lowering the paper or showing his face, the gorilla in a very convincing English accent replies " Is this the same gorilla that fucked the lion in the ass?" The lion taken aback, grabs his own face and shrieks
"IT'S ALREADY IN THE PAPERS?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1xq0/the_gorilla/
%
What is the best cheese in the history of the world?

GOAT cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1u4x/what_is_the_best_cheese_in_the_history_of_the/
%
Why don't anti-vaxxers play Fortnite?

They're too afraid to get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1osk/why_dont_antivaxxers_play_fortnite/
%
Old Arabic joke going to translate the best I can

Their was a goat farmer named Kassim and his wife and one day the wife went to feed the goats. Unfortunately for her the male goat was particularly aggressive that day and mauled her to death. During her funeral the farmers brother Khalid came from another town. His brother Khalid was amazed how many people showed up to the funeral said "Kassim look how many people came to pay their respects to your wife you and her must be beloved in the area." In tears Kassim says " they are not here for the funeral they are here hoping to buy the goat".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1npu/old_arabic_joke_going_to_translate_the_best_i_can/
%
I love pressing the F5 button

It's so refreshing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1ndf/i_love_pressing_the_f5_button/
%
Doctor: “the test results came back...”

“...and you’ve tested positive for opiates...”
Patient: “I ate a bagel this morning.”
Doctor: “...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you’re pregnant.”
Patient: “it was an everything bagel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1mvc/doctor_the_test_results_came_back/
%
A married couple of 30 years are talking....

The wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1lmh/a_married_couple_of_30_years_are_talking/
%
I prefer illegally downloading bangbros videos over watching free sites.

It feels more like I'm the one fucking the porn stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1jpw/i_prefer_illegally_downloading_bangbros_videos/
%
My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower

I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1fui/my_neighbor_asked_if_he_could_use_my_lawnmower/
%
A police officer was attending a car crash where the driver and passengers had been killed.

As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the bushes and jumped around the crashed cars.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the policeman?
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they crashed." "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1f2x/a_police_officer_was_attending_a_car_crash_where/
%
Why don't beach-goers ever get hungry?

Because of all the sand-which-is there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1euw/why_dont_beachgoers_ever_get_hungry/
%
My doctor gave me six months to live

But when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1efx/my_doctor_gave_me_six_months_to_live/
%
Here's a line you wouldn't hear in a war film.

"I can't feel my legs!"
"That's because your arms were blown off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1b98/heres_a_line_you_wouldnt_hear_in_a_war_film/
%
A french guy told me, never make bread:

It will bring you nothing but pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u1ae2/a_french_guy_told_me_never_make_bread/
%
Buy our pizza

we knead the dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u15ag/buy_our_pizza/
%
A cardboard belt

is a waist of paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u13l2/a_cardboard_belt/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0zhr/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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Jokes on this sub are like US Presidents

Last time I saw a good one, it was dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0zg9/jokes_on_this_sub_are_like_us_presidents/
%
I really wanna go to the Flock of Seagulls concert in the middle east...

But Iran so far away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0yxu/i_really_wanna_go_to_the_flock_of_seagulls/
%
As a mailman, I have a lot of jokes about undelivered letters.

But people just don’t seem to get them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0ysb/as_a_mailman_i_have_a_lot_of_jokes_about/
%
[NSFW] A homeless man walked into a piano bar

No one was playing the piano so he asked the manager if he could play.
The manager, seeing the ragged dirty old man refused, but he was persistent and begged
“Oh please just one song, I’m REALLY good I promise”
So he allowed him, “Okay one song, but then you must leave”
The homeless man begins the play one of the most beautiful songs the bar has ever heard. When he was done the manager said, “that was amazing, I’ve never even heard that, what’s it called?”
He replied, “thank you, I wrote it myself. I named it Dirty Cunt Dripping”
“Huh strange” he said to the man, “please, play one more song”
So again, he plays an even more astounding song. To which the manager asked for the name. The man replies, “I’m glad you liked it, I named that one Hairy Asshole With Dingle Berries”
The manager replied “Well I’ll tell you what, come back tomorrow night, but please wear something nice. I can’t have you in here wearing those dirty clothes. Also, please don’t tell people the names of your songs.”
So the man, ecstatic, leaves and comes back the next day.
When he walks in it’s quiet and everyone is staring at him. The manager runs over to him and says, “Do you know your dicks hanging out, has a boil on it and it’s oozing puss???”
The homeless mans face lights up and he says, “Do I know it? I fucking wrote it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0xkq/nsfw_a_homeless_man_walked_into_a_piano_bar/
%
I'm on a whisky diet

I've lost three days already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0xdn/im_on_a_whisky_diet/
%
Making love to a woman is like playing a violin…

I don't know how to do it…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0x0v/making_love_to_a_woman_is_like_playing_a_violin/
%
I just came across a tiger in a jungle.

I immediately wiped it off and apologised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0wpa/i_just_came_across_a_tiger_in_a_jungle/
%
Two priests are in a shower

.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells:
"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0vth/two_priests_are_in_a_shower/
%
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0vrp/the_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_him_dad_whats/
%
A bank is a place that will lend you money

If you can prove that you don't need it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0uy8/a_bank_is_a_place_that_will_lend_you_money/
%
Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0u4w/why_cant_pirates_learn_the_alphabet/
%
No matter how far you push the envelope

It'll still be stationery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0rh6/no_matter_how_far_you_push_the_envelope/
%
The Hunter and the Bear

One day a hunter took his trusty Winchester to the mountains to hunt for bear. He hid behind a rock that overlooked a beautiful valley and waited.
Soon a brown bear appeared by the stream which ran through the valley. The hunter aimed and fired and killed the bear dead.
Suddenly then there was a tap, tap, tap on his shoulder.
The man turned around and there was a huge black bear, standing 7 feet high, towering over him. The bear said, "you just shot my cousin" To which the Hunter replied, "Yes, I'm afraid I did." "Well," said the Bear, "you have two choices. Either I maul you to death, or you pull down your pants and I have my way with you."
Having no choice in the matter, the Hunter did as he was told.
The Hunter was really angry and vowed to get revenge. 3 months later after he had recovered, he went to the same spot, only this time he brought a huge elephant gun. He saw the black bear appeared at the stream and he fired. And shot him dead.
Tap, tap, tap. Polar bear. "You shot my cousin"
"Why, yes, I'm afraid I did."
"You have two choices. Either you die a bloody death, or you take off your pants and bend over. I'm going to screw you up the ass."
Having no choice the Hunter sighed and did what he was told.
By now the Hunter was really, really angry and resolved that he would have his revenge no matter what. 6 months later, when he was recovered, he brought an M60 and went to the same spot and waited until the Polar bear appeared by the stream. He fired off fifty rounds and shot the Polar bear dead.
Tap, tap, tap. An old Grizzly, with a sad expression on his wise face. "Son, you don't come here for the hunting no more, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0oo2/the_hunter_and_the_bear/
%
I have stopped drinking for good.

Now, I drink for evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0mbi/i_have_stopped_drinking_for_good/
%
A man believed that he was a grain of wheat.

As much as Eric’s family would try, they could not convince him that he was in fact a human man, and not a grain of wheat.
The worst was when Eric even sensed a bird was around. Because he thought he was a grain of wheat, he would completely panic and run as far as he could. He figured that birds ate grains of wheat and he was therefore in mortal danger whenever a bird appeared!
Finally, his family, exasperated, send poor Eric to a mental health facility. After months of therapy and psychiatric help, Eric seemed cured of this peculiarity.
His doctor wanted to be satisfied that Eric had no delusions of who he was - he asked if Eric knew what he was.
“Yes, my name is Eric and I’m a human man.”
Happy with the result, his doctor allowed for Eric’s discharge.
For months after that, Eric’s family and friends were thrilled! Eric had finally recognised that he was a human man!
One day, whilst they were out in the countryside, Eric and his cousin saw a chicken. Immediately, Eric panicked and ran! He ran as far away as he could from the chicken.
Eric’s cousin was in shock in this reaction. Once he caught up to him, he asked, bewildered, “Why did you run so fast and far! I thought you knew you weren’t a grain of wheat anymore!”
“Yeah!” Came Eric’s breathless reply. “But did the chicken know that??”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0j12/a_man_believed_that_he_was_a_grain_of_wheat/
%
Michigan is leading in rates of both marital infidelity and depression.

It's a sad state of affairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u0fk2/michigan_is_leading_in_rates_of_both_marital/
%
Opinions are like assholes....

My wife always says "no".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u07hb/opinions_are_like_assholes/
%
What do you call a pig that can do karate?

Pork chop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u060p/what_do_you_call_a_pig_that_can_do_karate/
%
What did Sea say to land when he asked if she wanted to meet up sometime

Shore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u04oz/what_did_sea_say_to_land_when_he_asked_if_she/
%
Jesus is hanging on the cross...

Jesus is hanging on the cross. Peter is nearby. Jesus calls to Peter
"Peter, come to me please." Peter rushes forward and is immediately beaten back by Roman soldiers. They beat him senseless and leave him in a heap on the side of the road.
Peter awakens to hear Jesus calling again, "Peter, come to me. I need you.". Peter rushes the soldiers and is badly beaten again, 2 broken ribs and 3 broken fingers this time. He is thrown in a heap on the side of the road.
A few minutes later Peter hears Jesus again. "Peter, please. I need to tell you...". Peter rushes forward and meets the soldiers again, he fights a savage fight and is beaten and bloody but this time makes it to the foot of the cross where Jesus is hanging.
"Jesus, I am here! What do you need to tell me?", Peter cries to his saviour. Jesus looks down upon him and says "I can totally see your house from here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u009x/jesus_is_hanging_on_the_cross/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

The suicide vest at least accomplishes something when it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8u009i/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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What did August say when June claimed that today is the last day of the month?

Don't July to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tzsmf/what_did_august_say_when_june_claimed_that_today/
%
I recently took up a new position at Old MacDonald's farm...

I'm the c-i-e-i-o.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tzsjf/i_recently_took_up_a_new_position_at_old/
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A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department

He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.
"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"
The man asks, "why the clown?"
The police chief replies, "Fantastic attitude, you're hired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tzp9a/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_with_the_chicago_police/
%
Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'

Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."
The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.
Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?
Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tzlpv/joe_goes_to_church_and_starts_praying_hard_the/
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The trouble with golf

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spend with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister, “in fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. It's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn't it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother.
“But I didn't, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that's when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn't it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… “You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?”.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tzl9s/the_trouble_with_golf/
%
I was talking to a Christian the other day...

He said gay sex is wrong in his eyes. I told him your supposed to put it in your bum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tzh96/i_was_talking_to_a_christian_the_other_day/
%
I never thought I would turn into my dad...

...until I pulled into my driveway and ran over him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tzgr0/i_never_thought_i_would_turn_into_my_dad/
%
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tzgh4/a_girl_realized_that_she_had_grown_hair_between/
%
A blonde walks into a shop and asks the worker “ how much for this tv?”

The worker replies “sorry we don’t sell to blondes.”
So she leaves, goes home and dyes her hair, and comes back to the store a brunette. She then  asks the worker again “how much for this tv?”
He again replies with “sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.”
So she goes home yet again, dyes her hair red, and walks back to the store and asks “how much for this tv?”
The worker responds yet again with “sorry, we don’t sell to blondes”
The woman, in anger replies with “ HOW CAN YOU TELL IM A BLONDE??!!”
The man calmly states “that’s not a tv, it’s a microwave.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tzgcu/a_blonde_walks_into_a_shop_and_asks_the_worker/
%
I almost walked out on my girlfriend after she called me a forgetful idiot.

It was a shame that I couldn't find my keys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tzg7o/i_almost_walked_out_on_my_girlfriend_after_she/
%
Two angry men walked into a restaurant

They had some beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tzf7i/two_angry_men_walked_into_a_restaurant/
%
Shoving a baguette up your butt...

is a real pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tzdg6/shoving_a_baguette_up_your_butt/
%
My girlfriend has a trigonometry fetish.

Every time we talk, she gets off on a tangent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tzak5/my_girlfriend_has_a_trigonometry_fetish/
%
One day a man went to an auction.

While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tz8ql/one_day_a_man_went_to_an_auction/
%
A guy walks into a bar

He takes some of the free peanuts, but before he eats one, it says “Hey, cool shirt”. Guy says to the bartender “Those peanuts are pretty nice”. Bartender says “Yeah, they’re complimentary”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tz6i1/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:
- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.
The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:
- I need 50 pictures of Kim Kardashian.
He gets them, and drives away with them. Soon, he comes back in a brand-new truck and new clothes and says:
- I need 100 pictures of Kim Kardashian.
He gets them and takes them away. Soon, he comes back in a huge customized truck and designer clothes and says:
- I need 200 pictures of Kim Kardashian.
The store clerk asks him:
- What's the deal with these pictures? How come you were recently poor, but now you're driving a truck worth more than my house?
The man replies:
- I opened a shooting range.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tz614/a_man_in_rags_parks_a_40yearold_pickup_truck_next/
%
Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”
“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”
“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tz4b2/mommy_i_saw_you_jumping_on_daddys_belly/
%
Two immigrants from Africa

arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tz2yw/two_immigrants_from_africa/
%
I hate those people that knock on your door and tell you how you need to be 'saved' or you will 'burn'....

Fucking firemen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tyxbz/i_hate_those_people_that_knock_on_your_door_and/
%
I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach and then down the other side to a point below her waist...

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time my wife was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
I stopped abruptly and rolled over to my side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping?" she whispered.
I whispered back, "I found the remote."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tyx6f/i_started_by_running_my_hand_across_her_shoulders/
%
A plane is on its way to Detroit

when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tyw5e/a_plane_is_on_its_way_to_detroit/
%
A truck driver was on his route

and needed to take a dump, he stopped at a bar, found there was a queue in front of toilets. He waited for few minutes, but it was getting difficult for him to hold on to. So he moved from there searching for a place and went upstairs, found an empty room, there was this hole in middle of the room, took the biggest dump of his life, and came downstairs.
He found the bar empty with few people left in the bar ducking under the tables, he didn't understand what was going on and inquired the bartender, all that bartender said was:
"Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tyfxd/a_truck_driver_was_on_his_route/
%
Father: "Son, you were adopted."

Son: " I KNEW IT! I want to meet my biological parents now."
Father: "We are your biological parents you dimwit. Now pack your bags, your new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tye7p/father_son_you_were_adopted/
%
A Muslim lady was denied entrance into Mcdonalds today until she removes her hijab....

Should have gone to Burka king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tydpi/a_muslim_lady_was_denied_entrance_into_mcdonalds/
%
What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir/Madam,
We are writing this letter to inform you that your account has been suspended for illegal downloading of copyrighted material

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tydeb/whats_a_pirates_least_favourite_letter/
%
I said to my wife: You should aim to please

She replied: You should aim too, please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tyals/i_said_to_my_wife_you_should_aim_to_please/
%
When I die, I want to go quietly, in my sleep, like my grandad...

Not screaming, like the passengers in his bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ty9js/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_quietly_in_my_sleep_like/
%
Two cows...

... standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy said to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ty8o3/two_cows/
%
3 guys were in an apartment and had to share the same bed for the night.

The next morning the guys decided to share their dreams they had the night before.
The guy sleeping on the left said, “I had a dream that I received the most amazing handjob!”
The guy sleeping on the right said, “No way! I also had the best handjob in my dream!”
The guy sleeping in the middle said, “Wow you guys are lucky, my dream wasn’t as relaxing. I dreamt that I had to ski up a very steep slope.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ty5us/3_guys_were_in_an_apartment_and_had_to_share_the/
%
A famous city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men

He asks " How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?
And they replied, "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
One man says, "Since you're our guests you get to go first."
The doctor not wanting to go against the custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.
Then a man in the group asks, "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ty4ab/a_famous_city_doctor_visits_an_indian_tribe_full/
%
I said "Hi" to a feminist yesterday.

The trial is next Friday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ty3nn/i_said_hi_to_a_feminist_yesterday/
%
Old Man Richard Harrison: I want to live till I am 100

Death: Best I can do is 77

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ty2yn/old_man_richard_harrison_i_want_to_live_till_i_am/
%
So this guy brings his wife to the Dr and asks what's wrong with her. The Doc says it's either AIDS or alzheimers. But how do we know says the guy.

Doc says take her out to the woods and leave her. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txx26/so_this_guy_brings_his_wife_to_the_dr_and_asks/
%
A man bursts into a talent agents office and says

I have a great act for you, ‘I can sing out of my arse’
‘You can sing out if your arse’ exclaims the talent agent. ‘I have to see this!’
So the man climbs up on the agents desk, drops his pants and proceeds to drop a big turd, in the middle of the desk.
The talent agent is furious, ‘I thought you said you could sing out if your arse!!’
The man replies’ yeah, I was just clearing my throat’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txth5/a_man_bursts_into_a_talent_agents_office_and_says/
%
How did the ancient Greek rabbit move around at night?

He had a Hoplite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txsmi/how_did_the_ancient_greek_rabbit_move_around_at/
%
I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txscl/i_have_an_epipen/
%
Why did God give women yeast infections?

So they can know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txqii/why_did_god_give_women_yeast_infections/
%
I Dated a Twin Once

People always asked me how I was able to tell them apart. To me it was really simple. Jenny painted her nails Purple and Ryan had a Penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txq6q/i_dated_a_twin_once/
%
An Irish man walks into a pub.

The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txogi/an_irish_man_walks_into_a_pub/
%
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.

Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"
She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txndj/a_lady_comes_home_from_her_doctors_appointment/
%
I am giving up drinking for a month

Sorry that came out wrong
I am giving up.  Drinking for a month

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txjjk/i_am_giving_up_drinking_for_a_month/
%
I hate the number 288

It’s two gross

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txhgh/i_hate_the_number_288/
%
A guy complains to his buddy that he went to the Dr for a vasectomy since he doesn't want any kids, but it didn't work.

When he got home, the kids were still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txh5z/a_guy_complains_to_his_buddy_that_he_went_to_the/
%
After getting a vasectomy a guy complains to his buddy that they don't work since his wife still keeps getting pregnant.

The buddy says "mine didn't work either, it just made the babies come out black"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txf8z/after_getting_a_vasectomy_a_guy_complains_to_his/
%
A major study found that Humans eat more Bananas than Monkeys

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txdgz/a_major_study_found_that_humans_eat_more_bananas/
%
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txc9q/a_friend_got_mad_at_me_for_smelling_his_sisters/
%
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption...

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes
to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.  Her husband responds,
"But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txc1h/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
%
A man walks into a bar [long]

The man orders a drink, and asks the few patrons around him, “Do you all want to see something extraordinary, something I can guarantee you’ve never seen before in your entire lives?” Slightly skeptical but nonetheless curious, the customers humor him.
The man reaches into his coat and retrieves a miniature piano fit for a dollhouse. He then pulls out a tiny man, roughly a foot tall, who sits down and plays the piano beautifully.
The customers are stunned and demand to know where the man got these things.
The man says, “I know a genie. I could summon him here if you’d like. But I warn you, you only get one wish and you can’t say it out loud, so make it count.”
The man snaps his fingers, and the genie appears and asks, “Who’s first?”
At this point the bartender chimes in. “Me! It’s my bar, after all. The bartender closes his eyes and makes a wish. The genie claps his hands.
Suddenly, ducks start pouring into all the windows and doors of the bar and eventually fill up and surround the place.
“What the hell?” the bartender exclaims. “I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”
The first man laughs. “You’re telling me! You really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8txaz2/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_long/
%
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same stupid book for years?

Bible Study

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tx984/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
%
She LOVES her husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party… As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”. He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?” “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??” His son replies, “Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tx7ev/she_loves_her_husband/
%
What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people, and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tx5s9/whats_the_difference_between_a_jazz_guitarist_and/
%
I dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

And Michael had a Penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8twytf/i_dated_a_twin_once_people_always_asked_me_how_i/
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Joke's in this sub are like U.S. Presidents

We get a new one every eight years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8twvsv/jokes_in_this_sub_are_like_us_presidents/
%
I used to be addicted to soap

I'm clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8twrgy/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit by you?”

The girl answered with a loud voice, “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUUU!!!!!!
All the students in the library looked up at the guy and he was embarrassed. The girl whispered to him; “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. You’re embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice, “$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!?? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!!”
...And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy leaned down and whispered in her ear “I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8twmhi/a_guy_asked_a_girl_in_a_library_do_you_mind_if_i/
%
What's a dinosaur's favorite form of compression?

RAR files.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8twlqk/whats_a_dinosaurs_favorite_form_of_compression/
%
Knock knock! Who’s there? Dishes! Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8twlif/knock_knock_whos_there_dishes_dishes_who/
%
How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass?

Rather enjoyable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8twi1b/how_does_a_new_zealander_find_a_sheep_in_long/
%
I told my sister to come work for me at my porn company and that last year I made $1 million. She said that’s gross.

I said “no, that’s net.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8twfug/i_told_my_sister_to_come_work_for_me_at_my_porn/
%
How do you cancel an appointment with a sperm bank?

Tell them you can't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8twcm2/how_do_you_cancel_an_appointment_with_a_sperm_bank/
%
What do you call a French person who wishes they were Japanese?

ouib

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8twbfe/what_do_you_call_a_french_person_who_wishes_they/
%
What do you call a delivery girl who dated an FBI agent?

A Fed Ex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8twbdm/what_do_you_call_a_delivery_girl_who_dated_an_fbi/
%
The local mechanic was arrested for being a drug dealer.

I've been his customers for 4 years and I never knew he was a mechanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tw9az/the_local_mechanic_was_arrested_for_being_a_drug/
%
I could never be a sugar daddy

I’m cheap and unhealthy. So I’d prefer to be called a high fructose corn syrup father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tw7k4/i_could_never_be_a_sugar_daddy/
%
A Jewish guy walks into a synagogue and goes straight over to the rabbi.

He says: "Rabbi, I need help. I have a big problem with my son. I did all that I could to raise him in the faith. I took him to Sabbath services every Saturday, and sent him to Hebrew school after regular school every Wednesday. He had a bar mitzvah. I sent him on a trip to Israel. I even sent him to seminary college for Jews. Yesterday, he came to me and said that he wanted to convert and become a Christian!"
The rabbi replies: "You know, it's funny that you should come to me about this! I also have a son that I did all I could to raise as a Jew. I brought him to temple every Saturday. He went to Hebrew school after regular school too. He had a bar mitzvah, visited Israel, and went to seminary college as well. He too came to me and said that he wanted to convert and become a Christian!"
The Jewish guy inquires: "Well, what did you do about it?"
The rabbi tells him that he asked God about it.
"Well, what did God say?" asks the guy.
God said: "You know it's funny you should come to me about this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tvy3m/a_jewish_guy_walks_into_a_synagogue_and_goes/
%
What do you call a scared virgin?

Boneless chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tvpfl/what_do_you_call_a_scared_virgin/
%
How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. He or she just stands there holding the bulb out waiting for the world to revolve around them..... or goes out and buys an adapter first to make the bulb compatible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tvk0p/how_many_mac_owners_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Richard ‘Old Man’ Harrison just passed away

Mortician: it’s going to cost you $10,000 to put him in a casket.
Rick: best I can do is $100 cause it’s just going to sit there and collect dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tvhlm/richard_old_man_harrison_just_passed_away/
%
Today I saw a midget at the bus stop

I told him "Hop in, I'll give you a ride". He told me to fuck off.
So I closed my backpack and carried on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tvc1k/today_i_saw_a_midget_at_the_bus_stop/
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How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

Trick question - in Russia nothing changes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tv73z/how_many_russians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
My wife said I cannot tell a joke to save my life

I will probably end up dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tv726/my_wife_said_i_cannot_tell_a_joke_to_save_my_life/
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My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…

I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tv51k/my_pregnant_wife_asked_me_if_i_ever_worried_it/
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Two men were hiking in the woods when one of the guys faint

His buddy calls 911 and says "My friend just died, what should I do?!"
The dispatcher says : " Stay calm and I am calling help right now. First we have to make sure your friend is dead."  And the line suddenly becomes silent. The dispatcher continues to ask "Hello, are you still there?"
Then the guy that called 911 returns on the line and asks: " Ok, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tv38n/two_men_were_hiking_in_the_woods_when_one_of_the/
%
"Are there any things that you don't like about me?" I asked my wife.

She said, "You bet."
I said, "Not anymore, we're fucking broke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tv1r1/are_there_any_things_that_you_dont_like_about_me/
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A man with a disorder that makes him urinate randomly is talking to another man with an Italian accent.

He is confused by his accent and asks what nationality he is. The Italian man replies, “European!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tv18k/a_man_with_a_disorder_that_makes_him_urinate/
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Charron, the ferryman of the dead, has a tough job

I admire him though. He really Styx with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tuz6a/charron_the_ferryman_of_the_dead_has_a_tough_job/
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What happens when a phone goes to jail?

It becomes a cell phone!
(Courtesy my 6 year old)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tuyuo/what_happens_when_a_phone_goes_to_jail/
%
I took an IQ test and I'm part of the 1%.

Apparently there aren't that many people with an IQ below 60.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tuphr/i_took_an_iq_test_and_im_part_of_the_1/
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A Man talks to a Lawyer

A man talks to a lawyer and says "My wife wants to divorce me."
"On what grounds?" The lawyer asks.
"On any ground where she can get a judge to okay it." The man responded.
The lawyer tries again with "I mean does she have any ground for the divorce?"
"Yeah she owns half of our two acres. Think we can take her land from her?" The man replies.
The lawyer decides to try rephrasing the question as "I mean is there a grudge?"
"No. We don't have anything fancy like that. We just park in the driveway." The man replied.
"She wants the divorce? I mean do you beat her up or something?" The lawyer tried again.
"Oh, no. She gets up about a half an hour earlier than me. I'm a heavy sleeper so there aint no chance I will ever beat her up."
The lawyer finally asks "Okay, why do you think she wants a divorce?"
To which the man replies with "She says I never understand what she's talking about."
-- Told to me by a pastor, recently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tumua/a_man_talks_to_a_lawyer/
%
I got talking to this girl the other day. I asked her her name.

She said, "My name's Batarka."
I said, "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."
To which she replied, "Actually, I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tum8k/i_got_talking_to_this_girl_the_other_day_i_asked/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference...

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tul8j/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government

so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed.  In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying.  He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.  So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.  When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.  Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't there.  So he went to the maid's room.  When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.  Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud,  "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full of shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tudeg/a_teacher_was_teaching_her_second_grade_class/
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I feel like there should be a travel book for India called

“A definitive guide to India: The Hindus and the Hindont’s”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tub7s/i_feel_like_there_should_be_a_travel_book_for/
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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tu6iq/my_wife_said_my_stew_was_too_salty_was_far_too/
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*kermit voice* why can’t miss piggie count to 70?

When she gets to 69, there’s a frog in her throat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tu0pi/kermit_voice_why_cant_miss_piggie_count_to_70/
%
Why do teenagers only hang out in groups of three or five?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tty18/why_do_teenagers_only_hang_out_in_groups_of_three/
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5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....

Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......
Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep
Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son
Mom:...but who will sleep with your  3 wives
Son:....Let them sleep with daddy...
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son ! 😂😆

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ttx48/5_year_old_sonafter_reading_story_of_a_king/
%
"Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses?"

"No, son. Have you seen my dadglasses?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ttvqz/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
%
You see that movie about Queen Victoria's first menstrual cycle?

I thought it was bloody good and I normally don't care for period dramas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tts5a/you_see_that_movie_about_queen_victorias_first/
%
What's a cop's favorite game console?

A Wii U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ttcj9/whats_a_cops_favorite_game_console/
%
There are 10 kinds of people in this world

Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tt7yf/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
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What’s the difference between a stripper and a hooker?

Time, brother...just give it some time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tt5oi/whats_the_difference_between_a_stripper_and_a/
%
We were asleep when there was a knock at the door at 3am!

I thought who the fuck would be there at this time. It was raining hard outside.
Anyway, answered the door and this guy was standing there, soaked and asked "Any chance for a push?"
I said no and slammed the door and went back to bed. The wife asked who was it. After explaining to her, she yelled, "You prick. What if it was you and you needed help?
Just to make her happy, I said fine and will go and help in the rain.
Got dressed, went outside and began to look for the guy. Yelled: "Where are you, I'm here to help".
Heard a voice in the distance, "I'm here over on the swings!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tt58q/we_were_asleep_when_there_was_a_knock_at_the_door/
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What is an advantage of having Alzheimer ?

Each joke on r/jokes isn't a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tt31o/what_is_an_advantage_of_having_alzheimer/
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Blonde Logic

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all wanna be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said,
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a side profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde,
stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you ?
Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
Didn't you hear what I just told the last applicant?
This is side picture profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....."
He flashed the photo for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing
or unusual features about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did... This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tt1jz/blonde_logic/
%
What is Hillary Clinton's least favorite vegetable?

Leaks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tt0lc/what_is_hillary_clintons_least_favorite_vegetable/
%
Jokes are like U.S. Presidents

This one is fucking awful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tsrki/jokes_are_like_us_presidents/
%
Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the local track.

The police believe it was race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tsnit/apparently_someone_has_been_shot_with_a_starter/
%
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?

For a Corvette, the prick is on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tsm94/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
%
A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tskjy/a_study_has_revealed_that_curvy_hips_indicate/
%
How to catch...

An old man is sitting on his porch and he sees a group of young boys walking by, and they've got rolls of chicken wire with them.  The old man calls out, "Hey, what are you doing with all that?" and one of the boys says, "We're going to catch some chickens!" The old man replies, "That's not how that works!" But the boys ignore him and move on.
Later that day, the same group is walking back and the old man sees they have a bunch of chickens with them, all they could possibly hold.
The next day, the same group of boys is walking past the old man's house with rolls of duct tape and the old man again asks them what they're doing, and one boy replies, "We're going to get some ducks!" And the old man says, "That's not gonna work!"
Later that day, the old man sees the same group walking back with their arms full of ducks.
The next morning, the boys are walking by carrying pussywillow branches, and the old man says, "Wait for me, I'll grab my hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tsjp7/how_to_catch/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how life was.

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tsg8g/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_life_was/
%
If I see someone robbing an Apple Store...

Does that make me i-Witness?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tseja/if_i_see_someone_robbing_an_apple_store/
%
A man walks into a bar, orders a glass of beer, and stares at the bartender for a long time making her uncomfortable.

The bartender says, “ Why don’t you take a pitcher? It’ll last longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ts8yg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_orders_a_glass_of_beer_and/
%
What is a drunk Mexican’s favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ts7y0/what_is_a_drunk_mexicans_favorite_book/
%
I honestly didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life until i discovered dolphin-watching.

You could say I found my porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ts5mu/i_honestly_didnt_know_what_i_wanted_to_do_with_my/
%
What’s the difference between Kobe Bryant and time?

Time passes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ts29u/whats_the_difference_between_kobe_bryant_and_time/
%
Now that vehicles are driving themselves...

It won't be long until a country singer writes a song about their truck leaving them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ts1sz/now_that_vehicles_are_driving_themselves/
%
Where do unsympathetic Ukrainians come from?

The Crimea River

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8trzv8/where_do_unsympathetic_ukrainians_come_from/
%
Saudi Arabia won against Egypt in a Soccer match.

Egyptians had a better plan but Saudis had better execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8trws1/saudi_arabia_won_against_egypt_in_a_soccer_match/
%
A TCP packet walks into a bar

and says, "I'd like a beer."
The bartender replies, "You want a beer?"
The TCP packet replies, "Yes, I'd like a beer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8trwby/a_tcp_packet_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How can you tell if someone does CrossFit?

They will tell you in every conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8trv0h/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_does_crossfit/
%
In the geography class:

-What is the capital of Germany?
-Berlin!
-What is the capital of Poland?
-Berlin!
-What is the capital of France?
-Berlin!
-Good job, Adolf!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8trsvu/in_the_geography_class/
%
Why did Bill Clinton have an affair with Monica?

Because Hillary only blows elections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8trrr8/why_did_bill_clinton_have_an_affair_with_monica/
%
Doctor: are you active sexually?

Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.
Doctor: I'll write virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8trqwn/doctor_are_you_active_sexually/
%
A professor, a lawyer and a priest are on a plane...

... when the pilot has a heart attack and dies, and the plane starts to lose altitude rapidly.
The professor then says "we don't have enough parachutes, give them to the children!"
The lawyer, desperate, promptly says "fuck the children!"
The priest then asks "do you think there's enough time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8trqv7/a_professor_a_lawyer_and_a_priest_are_on_a_plane/
%
What happened to the illegally parked frog?

He got toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8trl37/what_happened_to_the_illegally_parked_frog/
%
There are two types of people in this world,

those who crave closure,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8trgz8/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Johnny's dad was fat, and his son's friend was surprised

He whispered to Johnny:" Hey, your dad's a little on the heavy side."
Johnny snorted. "He's heavy on every side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8trdsi/johnnys_dad_was_fat_and_his_sons_friend_was/
%
My friends and I have a lot of fun riding jet skis That time we had a fatal crash on the coast was especially hilarious.

We littorally died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tratf/my_friends_and_i_have_a_lot_of_fun_riding_jet/
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I want my group project members at my funeral

They're gonna lower my casket into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tra33/i_want_my_group_project_members_at_my_funeral/
%
I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats.

BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.
Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tr6of/i_used_to_have_a_full_size_wooden_car_wooden/
%
The Secretary of Defense sits in the Oval Office briefing Bush on Iraq...

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!" His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tr3b2/the_secretary_of_defense_sits_in_the_oval_office/
%
Today, while driving to work, I took a moment to stop and think

I wish the car behind me had too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tr0tk/today_while_driving_to_work_i_took_a_moment_to/
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How do you tell whether someone went to Harvard?

You don’t have to. They will definitely tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tquht/how_do_you_tell_whether_someone_went_to_harvard/
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My first managers name was Lorraine.

My first managers name was Lorraine and she was really cool. Her husband, alfonso, was an assistant manager at the same store, and he was a dick. He had been having an affair for quite some time with a woman named Claire Lee . Everyone except his wife knew, but we didn't have the heart to tell her. On her way to work one day Lorraine was unfortunately killed in an accident.
Alonsfo said he was heart broken and he would give all of us a paid day off if we attended her memorial service. Whatever, who doesn't like a paid day off?
So we all went to the memorial service and it was beautiful. It came time for the eulogy and alfonso approached to say a few things. That's when Claire Lee walked up to him.
The room fell silent as all of us worried what she would say. Alfonso then grabbed her hand and said "I'm going to miss her, but... I CAN SEE CLAIRE LEE NOW LORRAINE IS GONE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tqrlm/my_first_managers_name_was_lorraine/
%
I prefer to learn from the mistakes

of people who take my advice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tqoxm/i_prefer_to_learn_from_the_mistakes/
%
Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join...

She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tqmde/caitlyn_jenner_becomes_a_super_hero_but_doesnt/
%
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine.

He took his  eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After  many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening  in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in  hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack,  I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the  edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out  of here with an eight iron!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tqllr/off_the_seventh_tee_joe_sliced_his_shot_deep_into/
%
What did Ajax say to the window ?

Pssst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tqkab/what_did_ajax_say_to_the_window/
%
Yo mamma's broke

Because she was so fat she didn't fit in her window of opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tqjnc/yo_mammas_broke/
%
I'd post a potato pun...

But I don't know where to starch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tqjf6/id_post_a_potato_pun/
%
Most serial killers are men.

That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tqj5w/most_serial_killers_are_men/
%
Feminists just want to be treated equally

To the pretty ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tqi40/feminists_just_want_to_be_treated_equally/
%
With petrol prices now at £1.30 a litre

...it's actually cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tqhpz/with_petrol_prices_now_at_130_a_litre/
%
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything...
All he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...
...and...of...course,
...the coffin stops!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tqaoe/a_man_is_walking_home_alone_late_one_foggy/
%
If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tq5fz/if_i_had_to_box_a_professional_athlete/
%
My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have sex?

He winked at me and said "Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tq4dj/my_wife_gave_birth_this_morning_i_said_to_the/
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UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!
(Credits to /u/canalavity and /u/chrisjd)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tq2kd/uk_politician_boris_johnson_has_promised_to_lie/
%
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe...

I don’t care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tq29y/i_just_killed_a_huge_spider_crawling_along_the/
%
I'm not racist I love all races

Except marathons I hate running

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tpqkc/im_not_racist_i_love_all_races/
%
A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it.

This one is round and red."  Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl.  "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking.  The next one is oval shaped and green."  The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss."  No, it's a guana, but i like your thinking."  Little Johnny said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib."  "Johny, thats disgusting!" shouted the teacher. " no it's a match, but i like your thinking."  Said Little Johnny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tponi/a_teacher_said_to_her_class_right_im_going_to/
%
How did the Oklahoma police officer explain the black man who had been shot 10 times?

The worst suicide case he had ever seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tpny5/how_did_the_oklahoma_police_officer_explain_the/
%
Good ol'e USA

18: can I buy a bottle of wine?
USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible
18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?
USA: we encourage it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tpmmu/good_ole_usa/
%
Youngest Son: Dad,whats the difference between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'?

Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom
cruise for 1 million?
.
Wife: Of course! I would never waste such an
opportunity
.
Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep with
Tom cruise for 1 Million?
.
Daughter: Yes He's my fantasy
.
Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with, Tom
cruise for 1 million?
.
Elder Son: Why not ? Imagine what I could do
with that money!
.
Father turns to his younger son: You see son,
'Hypothetically' we're sitting with 3 millionares
but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes & 1 gay Bastard !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tpkeo/youngest_son_dadwhats_the_difference_between/
%
My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related!?"

I said, "No man, that would just make us even."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tpk27/my_buddy_said_to_me_yesterday_if_i_shagged_your/
%
Why have so many chimneys stopped smoking?

Because of hearth disease
(from my 6yo daughter)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tpe3r/why_have_so_many_chimneys_stopped_smoking/
%
(Dirty Joke) What do a Penis and a Rubiks Cube have in common?

The more you play with it the harder it gets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tpabn/dirty_joke_what_do_a_penis_and_a_rubiks_cube_have/
%
Why do so many people smoke in China?

So that they can breathe in filtered air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tp4tx/why_do_so_many_people_smoke_in_china/
%
Velcro

What a rip off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tp258/velcro/
%
What do you call a little Mexican?

A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tov87/what_do_you_call_a_little_mexican/
%
A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”
“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”
The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.
“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I need you to take them to a zoo immediately.”
The man replies, “I’ll take them right away,” and drives off.
The next day, the police officer sees the same exact van driving by and to his astonishment, it is still full of penguins! He pulls the man over again, and notices that he and the penguins are all wearing sunglasses, sunscreen, and Hawaiian shirts.
The officer gapes at him and says, “Sir, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!”
“Yes, I did,” the man replies. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8toshp/a_man_is_driving_a_van_full_of_penguins_and_is/
%
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8top2h/my_dad_died_when_we_couldnt_remember_his_blood/
%
My Girlfriend thinks that I am childish

My Girlfriend broke up with me.
She thinks that I am childish.
So I calmed down, took a deep breath, went to her house, rang the doorbell and ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tood5/my_girlfriend_thinks_that_i_am_childish/
%
“This plane is made by your students”

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?
Then the principal replied
“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tonav/this_plane_is_made_by_your_students/
%
My mum always hated my dad for using thousands of dollars to shoot drugs up his arm.

I kept telling her he was diabetic but she didn't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tomvn/my_mum_always_hated_my_dad_for_using_thousands_of/
%
r/Jokes are like US presidents.

You might see a new one every four years or so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tol5r/rjokes_are_like_us_presidents/
%
An old man was shaving at his house

An 90 year old man was attempting to shave his beard at his house with a razor. His hands weren’t quite as steady as they used to be and his skin had gotten a bit wrinkly in his old age.  Consequently, the old man was constantly cutting himself while shaving. One day he decided to go to the barbershop instead.
He walks into the barber shop and informs the barber of his predicament. The barber says no problem and sits the man down in the chair.
Before the barber begins shaving he gives the man a round metal ball. He tells the man to place it in his mouth behind his cheeks so the wrinkles will spread.
A few minutes later the barber completes the shave and the old man gets up with no cuts on his face. He’s totally grateful but he tells the barber he accidentally swallowed the ball.
The barber says “Don’t worry you can just wait a few days and give it back like the last guy did.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tol4f/an_old_man_was_shaving_at_his_house/
%
Which is worse having AIDS, or dying in a plane crash?

I think it's probably worse having AIDS, in fact I'm positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tojex/which_is_worse_having_aids_or_dying_in_a_plane/
%
My grandfather died because the report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8toeuc/my_grandfather_died_because_the_report_said_he/
%
What’s the difference between you and eggs ?

Eggs get laid and you don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8toamg/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_eggs/
%
A man takes his seat in the front row of the World Cup Final

He looks across and notices an empty seat between him and the next guy.
The man said, “Who would ever want to miss the World Cup?”
The other man replied, “It’s my wife’s spot, we have gone to the past 4 World Cup finals together but she died recently
The man asked, “I’m so sorry.. Where is the rest of your family?”
“They’re at her funeral.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8to9ky/a_man_takes_his_seat_in_the_front_row_of_the/
%
Whats red and bad for teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8to811/whats_red_and_bad_for_teeth/
%
Last week I almost had sex every day...

almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8to66y/last_week_i_almost_had_sex_every_day/
%
A Horny American

is walking along Jalan Bukit Bintang, in Kuala Lumpur one night and a very gorgeous girl catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one
of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-trade.
"How much do you charge?", asks he.
Mary replies, "It starts at 500 ringgit for a hand-job."
He says, "500 ringgit for a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind
of money!"
With a saucy flick of her eyelashes, Mary says, "Do you see that Mary
Restaurant on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the next Mary's about another block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see the third Mary's, just by the side of the old
Cathay cinema?"
"Yes."
"Well," says Mary, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth 500 ringgit."
He then exclaims, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it
a try."
They retire to the nearby Marriott Hotel.
A short time later,  he is sitting on the bed realising that he
just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500 ringgit.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is 1,000 ringgit?"
Mary replies, "RM1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
Mary then says, while signalling him to come closer to her.
"Come closer to this window, big boy. Do you see that bank just across the
junction to Jalan Sultan Ismail?
I own that bank outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's
worth every sen of 1,500 ringgit !"
And poor customer , basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job,
decides to cancel his intended new mobile phone and says, "Give it to me
!!!"
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's
worth.
He decides to dip into what else he may have left with him for one more
glorious and unforgettable experience.
He then asks Mary,"How much for some pussy?"
Mary replies, "Come over here to this other window, I want to show you
something.
Do you see how the whole city of Kuala Lumpur is laid out before us .....
all those beautiful lights, banks .... corporate offices .... business
houses ..... and big-&-small shops and places?"
"Wowwww !!" he shouts out in awe, "You own the whole city ??"
"No," Mary replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8to1x5/a_horny_american/
%
How do you find the blind man at the nudist colony?

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tnvl4/how_do_you_find_the_blind_man_at_the_nudist_colony/
%
My 6yo burned me....

I came home from hunting the other day to my family eating breakfast. As I came up to the table my daughter looks at me,
Hadley: Daddy I know where you've been.....
Me: You do? Did your momma tell you?
Hadley: Nope, but I can tell you've been hunting cause your wearing all camo
Me: Yep, you sure are smart. But it wasn't that great today I only shot two ducks......
Hadley: Well maybe if you didn't dress like a hunter you could get more animals (then rolls her eyes)......
......I've been doing it wrong for years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tnuiz/my_6yo_burned_me/
%
3 words hated by men & women during sex

Men: “Are you In? ” or “Is It In? “
Women: “Honey, I’m home!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tnowh/3_words_hated_by_men_women_during_sex/
%
A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...

"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tnms8/a_border_patrol_official_comes_into_the_oval/
%
It was so hot in Dallas today...

I saw a crackhead put copper wire back into an air conditioner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tnmk3/it_was_so_hot_in_dallas_today/
%
Holy Shit!

The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it.
This evening I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that's where my evening should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.
So I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure why I had this next thought, but I did...I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the effing collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is barking. So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane effer across the yard and lay in the grass sucking in the humid evening air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so dang hard he couldn't breathe.
Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch.
Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tnltb/holy_shit/
%
I dated this one girl with a lazy eye.

Turned out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tnk6a/i_dated_this_one_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
%
I must have the body of a pornstar

Because all of my clothes say XXX

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tnjv1/i_must_have_the_body_of_a_pornstar/
%
What do children with cancer and dark jokes have in common

They both never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tnf1m/what_do_children_with_cancer_and_dark_jokes_have/
%
What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?

3 months of no school shootings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tnent/whats_the_best_part_about_summer_in_the_us/
%
How do you sell beans for the price of beef?

Make vegan burger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tne9u/how_do_you_sell_beans_for_the_price_of_beef/
%
I ran into this vegan girl at a cafe the other day

She said she knew me, but I had never met herbivore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tnap2/i_ran_into_this_vegan_girl_at_a_cafe_the_other_day/
%
A lion and lioness are relaxing under a tree.

A dog comes at them out of nowhere and yells, “You bitches call yourselves king of the jungle? Lemme tell ya, you guys ain’t fooling anybody. I can fuck y’all in the ass anytime I want!” Deeply insulted, the lioness starts chasing the little shit but the lion stays right there, under the tree, enjoying the run. She is outraged at his nonchalance but her rage takes over and she decides to keep following the dog alone. Suddenly, the dog spots a cave and jumps in it. The lioness leaps behind him but gets stuck at the entrance, with only half body inside and remaining half outside. The dog gets out from the other end, comes around and starts fucking the lioness in the ass. After the dog is gone, it takes hours for the poor lioness to free herself. Thoroughly humiliated, she comes back to the tree and still find the lion relaxing in the sun. He looks up at her and says, “I guess I can finally tell you why I didn’t run after that fucker today...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tna52/a_lion_and_lioness_are_relaxing_under_a_tree/
%
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face.

*"Why are you rubbing that on your face, Mommy?"* he asked.
*"To make myself beautiful,"* said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
*"What's the matter?"* he asked.
*"Are you giving up?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tn3n3/a_little_boy_watched_fascinated_as_his_mother/
%
Where did Sally go in the explosion?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tn2qp/where_did_sally_go_in_the_explosion/
%
Dont throw your life away

Recycle it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tn1j1/dont_throw_your_life_away/
%
My grandfather was arrested numerous times for selling a phony life lengthening drug...

Once in 1888, again in 1922, a third time in 1954, and another time in January 2018

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tn0ng/my_grandfather_was_arrested_numerous_times_for/
%
You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for

Times new ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tn0dm/youve_heard_of_alphabet_soup_now_get_ready_for/
%
When I die I’d like to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not screaming and in terror, like the passengers on his bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tmteu/when_i_die_id_like_to_go_peacefully_in_my_sleep/
%
A man was admiring the mountains around him one day when he asked allowed, “God, did you really make all of this?”

A man was admiring the mountains around him one day when he asked aloud, “God, did you really make all of this? Are you really out there?”
To his great surprise, God answered, “Yes, I did.”
The man was so astonished that God was speaking to him that the only thing he could think to ask God was about time. “God,” he said, “what is 10 million years like to you?”
God replied in a measure that the man could understand. “It’s about like a minute.”
The man was amazed. He then asked God, “I bet money is nothing to you. What’s 10 million dollars like to you?”
God replied, “it’s about like a penny.”
Seeing an opportunity here, the man quickly began to ask God, “would you please bless me with a penny?”  God replied, “Sure! Let me get it. I’ll be back in a minute.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tmrei/a_man_was_admiring_the_mountains_around_him_one/
%
An old man shuffled really slowly into an ice cream shop and said, “Can I have a banana split?”

Server: Sure. Crushed nuts?
Old man: No, Arthritis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tmq3h/an_old_man_shuffled_really_slowly_into_an_ice/
%
My girlfriend said choose her or weed

Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tmptp/my_girlfriend_said_choose_her_or_weed/
%
A horse walks into a bar

The bartender says "Hey"
The horse says "buddy, you read my mind!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tmok2/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I had ADD as a kid

So my parents enrolled me in a concentration camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tmo5n/i_had_add_as_a_kid/
%
What’s green and fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tmo39/whats_green_and_fuzzy_and_will_kill_you_if_it/
%
Little Red Riding Hood

is no longer a child, She grew up nicely and is now looking to find love.
She wen't on a date with Mr. Brown. The date went well and they are now in Mr. Brown's house.
Mr Brown started removing his clothes. He also put away his wallet.
"Mr Brown! What big wallet you have!"  says Little Red Riding Hood.
"The better to provide you with, my dear." replied Mr Brown.
Mr Brown continued to remove his clothes and Little Red Riding Hood noticed his bulge.
"Mr Brown! What huge cock you have!" says Little Red Riding Hood.
"The better to fuck you with, my dear." replied Mr Brown.
They had an amazing sex. Little Red Riding Hood is satisfied.Little Red Riding Hood is now lying in the arms of Mr Brown.
"Mr Brown. What big arms you have." Little Red Riding Hood whispers.
"The better to punch you with, my dear. By the way, stop calling me Mr. Brown, you can call me Chris." replied Chris.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tmix6/little_red_riding_hood/
%
Why was Cleopatra sitting on a boat, sad, going down a river?

Because she was in denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tmfqo/why_was_cleopatra_sitting_on_a_boat_sad_going/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint.

After a minute, he stands on his chair and tells the pub the funniest joke he knows. The place is filled with silence and everyone carries on drinking.
After an hour, another man in the pub stands on his chair and tells the pub a joke. The place erupts! People are rolling around on the floor, unable to contain themselves. It's easily the best joke anyone here has ever heard. Everyone in the pub personally walks over to the man and shakes his hand. All, except for the guy who told the first joke...
"I don't understand", he says to the barman, "that was the exact same joke I told, but he just changed the names".
The barman shrugs and says, "Mate, you've walked into r/jokes. They love a good repost".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tmaw0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_pint/
%
A blind man is swinging his dog around on its leash like a helicopter. A shocked onlooker asks "What are you doing?"

The blind man replies "Oh, just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tm8u0/a_blind_man_is_swinging_his_dog_around_on_its/
%
Dad: “Participation trophies are bad. It rewards people for losing and is unfair to the winners.”

Me: *slowly takes down his confederate flag*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tm6ui/dad_participation_trophies_are_bad_it_rewards/
%
Why was the ejaculating clam so nervous?

He was coming out of his shell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tm539/why_was_the_ejaculating_clam_so_nervous/
%
@theRiver

A pastor was completing a sermon on abstaining from drinking alcohol.
With great expression, he said, ‘If I had all of the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.’
With even greater emphasis, he said, ‘And if I had all of the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.’
And then finally, he thundered, ‘And if I had all of the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.’
The church was silent. Not a single congregant made a sound.
The music leader then stood up hesitantly and said, ‘For our closing song, let us sing the hymn “Shall We Gather at the River.”’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tm2ln/theriver/
%
My first day as a drug dealer

Me: Sorry we’ve run out of coke, is Pepsi ok?
Client: *stab
Me: Ok, have a nice day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tm109/my_first_day_as_a_drug_dealer/
%
How did the blonde die while raking leaves?

She fell out of a tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tlyeb/how_did_the_blonde_die_while_raking_leaves/
%
Why do blondes hate kool-aid?

Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the packet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tly8k/why_do_blondes_hate_koolaid/
%
The worst thing you can do is go to the doctor

You come in healthy and walk out with cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tln1w/the_worst_thing_you_can_do_is_go_to_the_doctor/
%
I used to be that area where water meets land...

But now I'm not so shore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tljad/i_used_to_be_that_area_where_water_meets_land/
%
What vegetable does Trump hate the most?

Barackoli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tlit5/what_vegetable_does_trump_hate_the_most/
%
I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second.

It was shear brilliance!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tlinb/i_just_saw_a_farmer_shave_a_sheep_in_1_second/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I had ever I peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents"

She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!"
I said "Well these things tend to happen when you're taking a shit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tleef/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_had_ever_i_peed_in/
%
A talk between two dead.

Two women have died recently and they were talking.
Woman 1:How did you die?
Woman 2:I died freezing.
Woman 1:omg freezing?! You must have suffered until you died!
Woman 2:Not at all.. I just felt colder and colder..And I started freezing slowly and didn't feel anything.But how did YOU die?
Woman 1:I had a heart attack.
Woman 2:and how did that happen?
Woman 1:I thought my husband was cheating on me..So I told him that I'd go out and might come back late...and after an hour I came back home and found him sitting on the couch watching tv alone...I searched everywhere..under the bed the bathroom and every single room..but I didn't find anything at all..So I was tearing up and upset so bad that it gave me a heart attack...
Woman 2:So if you found a girl with him would you be alive by now?
Woman 1:I think so..
Woman 2:Goddammit couldn't you search the freezer we could've stayed alive that way!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tlcmk/a_talk_between_two_dead/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

He walked...
JK Rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tla61/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
A man is driving down the freeway

when his wife calls him. He picks up and asks what the matter is. She says, "I want you to be careful honey, I heard on the radio there's a lunatic barreling down the highway going the wrong way." He replies, "it's much worse than that, there's hundreds of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tl5x7/a_man_is_driving_down_the_freeway/
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A doctor asked the patient if he would like to be a donor.

The patient said, "Yes, but only donate my organs to my enemies."
"Why?" asked the doctor.
"Because they really hate my guts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tl20e/a_doctor_asked_the_patient_if_he_would_like_to_be/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

Because you wore the wrong socks today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tl13x/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
If you run 3km a day for a year

You’ll be far away from home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tl0gs/if_you_run_3km_a_day_for_a_year/
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What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tl026/what_should_you_do_if_you_come_across_an_elephant/
%
How did the stoner propose to his girlfriend?

“Marriage, you wanna?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tksw7/how_did_the_stoner_propose_to_his_girlfriend/
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What did the straight male gorilla say after he fucked a human male to death?

No homo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tksub/what_did_the_straight_male_gorilla_say_after_he/
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Actual conversation between an elderly couple...

"Norm, I only married you because of your sense of humor..."
"Dee, I only married you because of my sense of humor..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tkrhl/actual_conversation_between_an_elderly_couple/
%
What do southerners do in their free time

their sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tkq0d/what_do_southerners_do_in_their_free_time/
%
My Korean friend died today.

He was So Yung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tkoy9/my_korean_friend_died_today/
%
My AA sponsor told me to stay away from places where I used to drink

I just sold my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tkotv/my_aa_sponsor_told_me_to_stay_away_from_places/
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What do you call the bouncer at a gay bar?

A flamethrower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tkmxw/what_do_you_call_the_bouncer_at_a_gay_bar/
%
I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas presents....

By posting about my political views on Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tkm49/i_just_saved_a_bunch_of_money_on_christmas/
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Mental Institution

So this guy delivers packages to this mental institution but has never gone in. He was curious one day and decided to go in and he met with the main supervisor and he took him around. So they were walking down the halls and they saw a door that was open. Inside was a person who was playing imaginary basketball. When the delivery guy asked what they were doing, they said, im so and so and I should play for the NBA, I shouldn't be in here! They continued on and saw another room with a woman in there playing golf. Again, when asking, he gets a reply of, I shouldnt be in here, I should be playing in the PGA. They came upon a third room and inside was a guy naked from the waist down with a can of peanuts on his dick. The delivery asked what the hell he was doing and the naked man said, im fucking nuts and I should be in here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tker2/mental_institution/
%
Two mathematicians are having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about what the unwashed masses understand about math.

The first (and somewhat snotty) mathematician claims that the average American has trouble counting, much less doing complex math; the second (and rather down with the modern student, if he does say so himself) mathematician says people are generally smarter than they know, and you just have to encourage them to feel their inner Euler (so to speak).
The snotty one says, "OK, put your money where your mouth is: ask our waitress a simple Calculus question, and if she gets the answer right, you win the argument and I'll pay for dinner. But if she doesn't know what you are talking about, you have to shut up and pay up."
Our math "Dude" quickly agrees, but when the first guy goes to the mens' room, he quickly calls the waitress over and whispers, "It's not important, why, but I'm going to ask you a question when my friend comes back, and just remember that the answer is 'one third x-cubed.' You don't need to know why; all you need to know is there is a 50 dollar tip in it for you if you give me the answer correctly." She nods hurridly and paces off with a tray full of dishes.
Both of them back at the table, the waitress comes by to leave the check, the first guy raises his eyebrows with great significance at the second guy, and our math spokesman says, "Do you mind if I ask you what the integral of x-squared is?"
The waitress hems and haws and closely examines the ceiling while apparently trying to shove her tongue through the middle of her left cheek. Eventually she hesitantly says, "um, one third x-cubed...?"
Thanked for her answer, she picks up the payment (and hefty tip), and turns to walk away. Two steps away, she stops, turns back to the table, and announces clearly, "Plus a constant...ASSHOLE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tkah8/two_mathematicians_are_having_dinner_in_a/
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Why are married women...

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tk9jc/why_are_married_women/
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Dad an Son

Dad: Great news, son! We’ve saved enough money to go to Disneyland.
Son: That’s great! When are we going?
Dad: As soon as we save enough to get back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tk72s/dad_an_son/
%
I am a magician, but only in bed.

When I get in expecting to get some, my wife always disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tk6cr/i_am_a_magician_but_only_in_bed/
%
Kid and barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tk5zt/kid_and_barber/
%
Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the United States?

They had no use for one with only one hand up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tk3x6/why_did_france_give_the_statue_of_liberty_to_the/
%
It costs $235,000.....

...to raise a child to adulthood in the United States.
And that's just for the alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tk33y/it_costs_235000/
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Job Interviewer: In the event of a fire, which steps would you take?

Interviewee: Fucking big ones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tk0de/job_interviewer_in_the_event_of_a_fire_which/
%
A Blonde's Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento". When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tjvug/a_blondes_password/
%
What do you call 8 hobbits?

A hobyte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tjts4/what_do_you_call_8_hobbits/
%
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tjqyo/what_do_you_call_a_can_opener_that_doesnt_work/
%
[Help] There's this really funny joke about a car that is missing its engine, does anyone else remember it?

I just don't know how it goes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tjm7x/help_theres_this_really_funny_joke_about_a_car/
%
POTUS walks out of the white house

Heads towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald, duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tjlry/potus_walks_out_of_the_white_house/
%
Hey guys please stop putting half-smoked cigarettes in the urinal

It makes them soggy and makes them hard t light up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tjkzq/hey_guys_please_stop_putting_halfsmoked/
%
What do you call a hand job at the beach?

A Sandy Handy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tjkaw/what_do_you_call_a_hand_job_at_the_beach/
%
There's a new drug on the street called God, but I'll never use it.

I'd never take the Lord's name in vein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tjhas/theres_a_new_drug_on_the_street_called_god_but/
%
A man was arrested for the sixth time for having sex with an unconscious prostitute.

At court, the judge always imposed of a fine of $250 and sent him on his way. The man's friend approached him one day and asked:
"How do you keep getting away with what you do with only a slap on the wrist?"
"It's the law," the man says. "It's only a misdemeanor."
So the friend walked down the street and sees an attractive girl. He follows her until they reach a secluded area, he lunges at her from behind, holds her down, and has his way with her. Afterwards, she calls the police, the friend gets arrested, he's convicted of felony sexual assault and sentenced to 15 years.
The next day, the friend is visited by the man while in prison. The friend says "My life is ruined and it's all your fault! Didn't you tell me that rape is only a misdemeanor?"
The man replies "Rape *IS* a crime. All I did was shoplift."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tjfyx/a_man_was_arrested_for_the_sixth_time_for_having/
%
What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy chick?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tjdoj/whats_the_difference_between_a_hockey_player_and/
%
I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the mailman, then it was my best friend, then it was her ex...

It just turns out I really like dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tjajk/im_divorcing_my_wife_first_it_was_the_mailman/
%
“Would you like a cold beverage?”

She opened the fridge. "We have water, milk,
juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper--"
"Spiders?"
"Spiders it is, then."
"No, that wasn't--"
But he was too late, she was already pouring him a brimming glass of spiders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tjahn/would_you_like_a_cold_beverage/
%
A Mormon was seated next to a Irishman on a plane..

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tj90q/a_mormon_was_seated_next_to_a_irishman_on_a_plane/
%
What does an indecisive person wear?

Flip Flops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tj71t/what_does_an_indecisive_person_wear/
%
I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m going to try a fig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tj1kw/i_had_a_date_tonight_it_was_pretty_sweet/
%
Up in the air

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.
The F-16 pilot decided to show off.
On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D and million dollar headset, the F-16 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”
He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F-16 screamed down at impossible G’s before levelling at almost sea level.
The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?
The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”
The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked  to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tj19l/up_in_the_air/
%
What do you call the fallout from an Israeli nuke?

Zionizing radiation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tiwe8/what_do_you_call_the_fallout_from_an_israeli_nuke/
%
What is Medusa's favorite cheese?

Gorgonzola

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tiukr/what_is_medusas_favorite_cheese/
%
How do you cut the ocean in half?

Use a sea saw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tiujp/how_do_you_cut_the_ocean_in_half/
%
Psalm 26:6

"I wash my hands in innocence"
"Would you please stop fisting my daughter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tiuho/psalm_266/
%
I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8titj6/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_98/
%
Did you hear about the guy with a fear of subtraction?

He made no difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tiqdi/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_a_fear_of/
%
What's orange and destroying the nation?

Basketball. Pick up a hockey stick you pheasants. Fucking embarrassing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tip7c/whats_orange_and_destroying_the_nation/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tiomh/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
How does a Mexican cut a pizza?

With *little* *caesars*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tinnp/how_does_a_mexican_cut_a_pizza/
%
I went to medical school with an incredibly ambitious guy who was obsessed with collecting skulls.

He'd do anything to get a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tij02/i_went_to_medical_school_with_an_incredibly/
%
I wrote a research paper on tuberculosis titled “TB”

Instead of a grade next to the title the professor just added a “D.”
So I guess that means it’s still to be determined....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tiis3/i_wrote_a_research_paper_on_tuberculosis_titled_tb/
%
Hockey fans, you know what I mean.

It is Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
“No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup, and not use it?”
The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible.  But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, a relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?
The man shook his head.  "No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tii9t/hockey_fans_you_know_what_i_mean/
%
What do you call a bird made of stone?

A roc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tihgq/what_do_you_call_a_bird_made_of_stone/
%
What's the diffrence between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come on a boys face until he's 15

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tic9j/whats_the_diffrence_between_a_catholic_priest_and/
%
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

you lobotomize it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tiajx/how_do_you_turn_a_fruit_into_a_vegetable/
%
My girlfriend always calls me Mr. Safety

Unfortunately it's not because I practice safe sex, it's because I always come first...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tia9l/my_girlfriend_always_calls_me_mr_safety/
%
My boss pulled up in his brand new Audi today

and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ti6lc/my_boss_pulled_up_in_his_brand_new_audi_today/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ti5r0/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
I'm sure my mate is having an affair with my wife...

He's been proper miserable lately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ti4lw/im_sure_my_mate_is_having_an_affair_with_my_wife/
%
"Doctor, I've listened to your advice, about getting my family involved in trying to help me recover."

He said, "Well, I've told you what the cures are. There are three. Two of them your children should have been able to aid you with, the third is sex."
"Yes," I said, "of that I am aware."
"So..." he began. "What does your son give you?"
"Ibuprofen."
"What does your daughter give you?"
"Paracetamol."
"Then what does your wife give you?"
"A headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ti481/doctor_ive_listened_to_your_advice_about_getting/
%
Why couldn't the life guard save the drowning hippie?

He was too far out, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ti2ia/why_couldnt_the_life_guard_save_the_drowning/
%
My friend asked me what my favorite tool was

I told him it was a jackhammer
He asked why
I said i liked it because it was a ground breaking invention

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thzr3/my_friend_asked_me_what_my_favorite_tool_was/
%
Never run with a bagpipe...

You may get kilt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thyr3/never_run_with_a_bagpipe/
%
Oh my gosh! I just CAN'T believe that they got back together! After all the crap they've been through!...

My butt cheeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thwt1/oh_my_gosh_i_just_cant_believe_that_they_got_back/
%
Jokes are like the people.

Not everybody likes the dark ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thutq/jokes_are_like_the_people/
%
Lincoln and Kennedy...

were very open-minded presidents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thtg5/lincoln_and_kennedy/
%
Just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens!

Well that's 8 month's of training wasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thpxb/just_found_out_that_cock_fighting_is_done_with/
%
Two sperm were traveling side by side when one of them yells "Oh yeah! We're off to make a baby!"

The other sperm says "Take it easy man, it's a long trip. We only just passed the tonsils."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tholn/two_sperm_were_traveling_side_by_side_when_one_of/
%
Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thlki/apparently_29_of_pet_owners_let_their_pet_sleep/
%
The biology teacher asks Johnny if he can describe what a specimen is?

Sure teach, a specimen is an Italian astronaut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thl9l/the_biology_teacher_asks_johnny_if_he_can/
%
Why do divers jump backwards when they jump off a boat?

Because if they jumped forward they'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thkzy/why_do_divers_jump_backwards_when_they_jump_off_a/
%
Why is Santa’s sack so big?

‘Cause he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thj60/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
I just watched a documentary on blackouts...

It was dark as fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thhhz/i_just_watched_a_documentary_on_blackouts/
%
Guy walks into bar

Wanting to know who owns the Great Dane tied up outside because his dog just killed said Great Dane.
A man at the bar stands up obviously perplexed and says what kind of dog do you have that it just killed my Great Dane?
Other man responds proudly he owns a Chiwawa.
“You’re saying your Chiwawa killed my Great Dane?” Not really believing what he was hearing.
“Yes” other man responds “my dog got lodged in your dogs throat”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thffe/guy_walks_into_bar/
%
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"
"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thf5o/a_shy_priest_greets_the_wedding_guests_to_the/
%
A man is walking down the street, when he starts to hear a chanting sound coming from behind a fence... 13..13..13..13..13..

As he gets closer he see's a small hole in the fence, the chanting's getting louder and faster... **13..13..13..** As he gets closer the chanting comes to a fearsome cresecendo, as he looks directly into the hole...
And a finger jabs him DIRECTLY in the eye, as the chanting resumes louder than ever... >!**14..14..14..14..**!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thdbw/a_man_is_walking_down_the_street_when_he_starts/
%
President Donald Trump said that by 2050 US forces intend to attack the Sun if it does not stop nuclear reactions.

the attack is planned at night or they will just fly from the dark side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8thce2/president_donald_trump_said_that_by_2050_us/
%
What do you never hear a blind man say?

See ya later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8th6p0/what_do_you_never_hear_a_blind_man_say/
%
What do you call it when someone blows up a Chinese restaurant?

Wonton destruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8th6a7/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_blows_up_a/
%
Just returned my hair drier.

It sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8th1v1/just_returned_my_hair_drier/
%
My friend recently found out that he is both gay and dyslexic...

He is still in Daniel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgzcz/my_friend_recently_found_out_that_he_is_both_gay/
%
I have a drug test tomorrow.

I’m gonna study real hard tonight so I can pass it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgxfm/i_have_a_drug_test_tomorrow/
%
What do you call 2 mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgxf6/what_do_you_call_2_mexicans_playing_basketball/
%
So I died and was reincarnated as a composer...

I'm Bach now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgw4v/so_i_died_and_was_reincarnated_as_a_composer/
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A new Pirates of the Caribbean movie is like old people nudity at the public swimming pool.

You don't want to see it but you still end up seeing it anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgvm8/a_new_pirates_of_the_caribbean_movie_is_like_old/
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My girlfriend recently told me that I am not perfect

And I said ,"Well I may not be perfect but atleast I am Bio-degradable, you plastic bitch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgsr7/my_girlfriend_recently_told_me_that_i_am_not/
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When Aphrodite poses naked on a seashell she's "beautiful" and "a goddess"

But when I do it apparently I'm "drunk" and "barred from the Sea Life Centre".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgrcc/when_aphrodite_poses_naked_on_a_seashell_shes/
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I saw my neighbor pushing a a shopping trolley filled horse shoes and rabbit feet.

I think she was pushing her luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgqjw/i_saw_my_neighbor_pushing_a_a_shopping_trolley/
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If you pour Root Beer into a square glass...

Does it become, just, beer?
(Credit to my little sister)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgpjn/if_you_pour_root_beer_into_a_square_glass/
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Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgn3p/last_night_a_chinese_guy_came_to_my_favorite_bar/
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My dad told me he put a draw bridge at our house.

Turns out, he installed the garage door upside down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgm36/my_dad_told_me_he_put_a_draw_bridge_at_our_house/
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Fay Chester

was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house.
The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn’t want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they’d just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, “You know, girls, there’s a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say….”
Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, “Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There’s plenty of time ’cause the bus doesn’t leave till morning!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgk81/fay_chester/
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The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"  said Anatoly, aged 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgj1y/the_england_football_team_went_to_visit_an/
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I don't trust companies that plant trees

It's such a shady business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgfi8/i_dont_trust_companies_that_plant_trees/
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Wife: He made two fat jokes yesterday.

Husband: I don't recall this, that's a lie!
Therapist: Why would she remember then you making them?
Husband: Elephants never forget I suppose.
Therapist:  Savage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgdmu/wife_he_made_two_fat_jokes_yesterday/
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I just stepped on a cornflake.

Now I'm officially a cereal killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tgac7/i_just_stepped_on_a_cornflake/
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3 men set out to travel across the desert

3 men are traveling across the desert and decide they’ll all only take one item to travel light. Man 1 is carrying a canteen, man 2 is carrying a lunch box, and man 3 is carrying just the door from his car.
Man 2 asks man 1 “what’s in your canteen?” He says “water. We get about a mile through this desert, I know I’m going to be very thirsty. What about that lunch box?” Man 2 says “well, I just have some snacks. I know about a mile into this desert, I’m going to be just about starving to death!” They both look to man three and say almost in unison “what’s with that car door?” Man 3 says “when it gets too hot out here, I’m going to roll this window down and let the breeze in to stay cool!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tga33/3_men_set_out_to_travel_across_the_desert/
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What do you call a mother f♡<king octopus?

Oedipus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tg7ru/what_do_you_call_a_mother_fking_octopus/
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When a dung beetle dies...

is it interred?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tg3mf/when_a_dung_beetle_dies/
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What's black and always in the back of a police car?

The spare tire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tg2e4/whats_black_and_always_in_the_back_of_a_police_car/
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A boy asks his father: "Dad, why is the food so cold and bland?" The dad replies:

Your mum put her heart and soul into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tg2ba/a_boy_asks_his_father_dad_why_is_the_food_so_cold/
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What do you call a clean white board?

Remarkable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tg09l/what_do_you_call_a_clean_white_board/
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What's the best way to make a million dollars in racing?

Start with 2 million.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tg00z/whats_the_best_way_to_make_a_million_dollars_in/
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My dad has the heart of a lion

... and a lifetime ban from the local zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tfz5r/my_dad_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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I was at a local bar one day

I was at a local bar when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed, and her glass eye came out. I caught it.  I handed it back to her she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman.
Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room.
Surely she must’ve been mistaken. “who me?!”, I asked. She said, “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tftvu/i_was_at_a_local_bar_one_day/
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Dark Joke

Excuse me, can someone turn on the light?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tftto/dark_joke/
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Where are all the old Beatles records stored?

The Lennon closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tfo5s/where_are_all_the_old_beatles_records_stored/
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Your results are back, Joe.

What is it, doctor?
You have to stop masturbating, Joe
But...but why, doctor?
Because we are having a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tfo14/your_results_are_back_joe/
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What Does EA Call A Patch?

Next year’s game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tflji/what_does_ea_call_a_patch/
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What is a female's favorite tea?

Oolong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tfkt8/what_is_a_females_favorite_tea/
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What does milk in Mexico say when meeting others?

Soy Milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tfjgu/what_does_milk_in_mexico_say_when_meeting_others/
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My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tfho1/my_girlfriend_said_you_act_like_a_detective_too/
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I showed my friend my new smart TV.

He said: "how smart can it be?  It's trapped in a box!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tfb2y/i_showed_my_friend_my_new_smart_tv/
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Why a man doesn't drink milk

A man was out in his garden one day, an activity he enjoys daily. He likes growing different plants like flowers and vegetables, and he's gotten very good at it. He recently learned that ants can aerate and help water travel through the soil, so he had recently placed a few colonies of ants throughout the garden.
He had three different ants of various sizes, so he decided to be methodical on where to place them.
The shortest ants were placed by the plants that required the least amount of water since they would burrow the smallest holes.
The medium-sized ants were placed in the moderately water-thirsty plant area.
And lastly, he had a patch of plants that needed more water than the rest, so he placed the taller ants there.
As he was admiring his garden, he realized what a nice day it was. The skies were clear, the breeze was perfect. "Let's sit outside and enjoy a glass of milk in my garden!" he thought. So he grabbed his chair and his milk and headed to the more water-dependent plants, as it was often a bit more humid near them.
After he finished his milk, he felt nauseous. He needed to vomit and couldn't hold it in. He unleashed a steady but powerful torrent of unusually acidic stomach contents all over his patch of garden knocking down the nearby shovel onto his feet, severing his three smaller toes on his left foot. The milk and stomach acid mixture slowly seeped down into the soil, filling the holes recently made by the larger ants.
A few years after the incident, the man has taken to gardening again. It turns out, his new neighbor is also an avid green thumb! They begin talking and really kick it off. After a few minutes, the neighbor says, "Hey, you know what? It's a nice day today. How about we continue this conversation in my garden and I'll grab us a nice glass of milk."
The man quickly declines and the neighbor asks him why. The man had only one sentence that explained it all.
"Last time I drank milk in my garden is when I made myself lack toes and taller ants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tf7ff/why_a_man_doesnt_drink_milk/
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“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tf68u/judge_60_of_my_parking_tickets_are_bogus/
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Someone asked me how I view lesbian relationships

apparently “in HD” wasnt the right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tf66v/someone_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian_relationships/
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The only B word you should call a woman is "beautiful."

Because bitches like it when you call them beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tf5sf/the_only_b_word_you_should_call_a_woman_is/
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I used to hate Nihilist humor...

but nothing is funny to me now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tf4vj/i_used_to_hate_nihilist_humor/
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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later, my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tf4qy/i_caught_two_kids_smoking_pot_outside_my_office/
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Why does Trump put his name on all of his buildings?

So the banks know which ones to take back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tf44j/why_does_trump_put_his_name_on_all_of_his/
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Virginity is like a soap bubble

One prick and it's gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tf07f/virginity_is_like_a_soap_bubble/
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Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in another box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tezyd/why_isnt_there_a_pregnant_barbie_doll/
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What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tezni/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
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I hate it when flys land on me.

Makes me feel like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tey3m/i_hate_it_when_flys_land_on_me/
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A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went to his sister and asked "hey sis whos jesus christ?", sister answered "leave me alone im puttin makeup on go bother ur brother" so the boy went to his brother and asked "hey bro whos jesus christ?", bro answered "yo im in the middle of my cod match ask someone else"
the little boy felt lost and unwanted so he took a train downtown and was looking for people to ask about Jesus Christ. Eventually he walked down a lonely alleyway and spotted an old homeless drunk sleeping under a cardboard blanket. The little boy asked "Excuse me sir, who's jesus christ?'
The homeless drunk awoke from his stupor and blabbered, "Who's Jesus Christ? Well I am Jesus Christ!"
The little boy stood in disbelief "no way you can't be, ur lying!"
The homeless drunk said "oh yea come with me ill prove it to u right now"
With these words the homeless drunk stood up and began to leave the alleyway, motioning for the little boy to follow.
The little boy follows the old man into a bar and as they walk inside the bartender spots them and yells "Jesus Christ are you in here again!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8texbn/a_little_boy_heard_about_jesus_christ_on_tv/
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What do cats put in their drinks?

Mice cubes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8texb8/what_do_cats_put_in_their_drinks/
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My drug test came back negative.

My drug dealer has some explaining to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8teuyi/my_drug_test_came_back_negative/
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I talked to my schoolteacher friend the other day.

She’s a schoolteacher in San Diego.
On the first day of school, she asked all of her first graders how many of them were San Diego Charger fans.
Of course, all of her kids raised their hands, except this one girl.
She looked at the girl curiously and asked, “Why aren’t you a Chargers fan?”
The little girl said that her dad is a Denver Broncos fan, and her mom is a Denver Broncos fan, so she just naturally became a Broncos fan.
So my schoolteacher friend told the girl that she doesn’t have to follow in her parents footsteps. With that, she asked the girl, “If your dad was a drug dealer, and your mom was a prostitute, what would that make you?”
The girl scratched her head and then came up with her answer: “An Oakland Raiders fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tetiv/i_talked_to_my_schoolteacher_friend_the_other_day/
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What’s a rooster’s favorite dating app?

Chicken Tinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tesoq/whats_a_roosters_favorite_dating_app/
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Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8teqrv/why_did_the_pervert_cross_the_road/
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How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tepnm/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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My friend Jay just had twins, and wants to name them after him.

So I suggested Kay and Elle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tenyh/my_friend_jay_just_had_twins_and_wants_to_name/
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Vampires that are depressed and unproductive tend to live longer...

... because no one wants to put any stake in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tenpw/vampires_that_are_depressed_and_unproductive_tend/
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My kids got their intelligence from their mother

Because I still have mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8temk8/my_kids_got_their_intelligence_from_their_mother/
%
A plane is crossing the ocean

when suddenly the Captain comes on the intercom and says “Folks, I’m sorry to report this but we have lost an engine and are loosing altitude. In order to lighten the load we will have to let loose your luggage.” The passengers are fine with this and it is done. The captain comes on again and says “Well unfortunately we are still loosing altitude and need to throw out all of the carryon luggage.” The passengers again are fine with this and the stewardesses toss out the carryons. Captain comes on again “Well folks, we’re still losing altitude. We have no other options so we’re gonna have to start loosing passengers. If there are any noble souls who are wishing to volunteer at this time please make your way to the back of the plane.” No one moves from their seat. Captain comes on again. “Alright, we’re going to have to do this as democratically as possible then. We’re going to go in alphabetical order, when I call your letter make your way to the back of the plane.” “A. All the African Americans please go to the back of the plane.” No one moves “B. Will all the blacks go to the back of the plane.” Still no one moves. “C. Will all the Colored People go to the back of the plane.” No one moves. A kid tugs on his fathers shoulder and says “Dad, isn’t that us? Aren’t we Colored, Black, African Americans?” The father says “No son, today we’re niggers, just hope that there are a lot more Mexicans on this plane than us.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tejmp/a_plane_is_crossing_the_ocean/
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Smee goan get some Karma

A CORK radio station was running a competition - words that weren’t in the dictionary but could still be used in a sentence and make sense.
DJ: “96FM here, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi my name is Dave!”
DJ: “Hey Dave, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced ‘go-an’.”
DJ: “... You are correct. Goan is not in the dictionary. Now Dave, to win a trip to Bali, what sentence could you use the word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Goan f**k yourself”
DJ cut the caller short and took other caller but all other callers were unsuccessful until:
DJ: “96FM here, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi my name is Jeff.”
DJ: “Jeff what’s your word?”
Caller: “Smee...spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”
DJ: “... You are correct. Smee is not in the dictionary. Now Jeff, to win a trip to Bali, what sentence could you use the word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8teiwb/smee_goan_get_some_karma/
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What's the most popular porn site in Wales?

ewetube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8teiuk/whats_the_most_popular_porn_site_in_wales/
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Hey girl, is your atomic number 11?

Because you're sodium fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tei1d/hey_girl_is_your_atomic_number_11/
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My wife told me I couldn’t act like a flamingo any more...

I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tedjl/my_wife_told_me_i_couldnt_act_like_a_flamingo_any/
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Did you know that Iceland...

...is only one sea away from Ireland?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8te8wy/did_you_know_that_iceland/
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What did the cat say on his cell phone?

Can you hear meow?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8te89j/what_did_the_cat_say_on_his_cell_phone/
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8te5rp/an_old_man_and_his_wife_have_gone_to_bed/
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When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?

When he eats his first Brownie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8te2xb/when_does_a_cub_scout_become_a_boy_scout/
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What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?

"Get off me, homes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tdxvd/what_did_the_mexican_say_when_two_houses_fell_on/
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How did the guy feel when he knocked over the Middle Eastern food stand?

He falafel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tdv9c/how_did_the_guy_feel_when_he_knocked_over_the/
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Girl, are you a speeding infraction in a construction zone?

‘Cause you DOUBLE FINE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tdtg0/girl_are_you_a_speeding_infraction_in_a/
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If I had a dollar for every gender....

I'd have $1.77

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tdr8q/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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Boy with the wooden eye

There was a boy in high school who had a pretty bad accident and he had to get a wooden eye. One day he went to the school dance but he didn’t have a date. He was pretty self conscious so he asked the fattest girl if she wanted to dance. She was so excited she said, “would I, would I?!” And the boy responded with, “you know what just forget it you fat bitch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tdqjp/boy_with_the_wooden_eye/
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If I like what you're saying I'll lie down right here...

I'm prone to agree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tdpjb/if_i_like_what_youre_saying_ill_lie_down_right/
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What grades do you need to join the navy?

7 C’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tdmet/what_grades_do_you_need_to_join_the_navy/
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Always remember you're someone's reason to smile

Coz you are a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tdm6m/always_remember_youre_someones_reason_to_smile/
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I met a man with the last name Popcorn. He said he was in the military...

He was a kernel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tdl49/i_met_a_man_with_the_last_name_popcorn_he_said_he/
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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do...

We shoot each other in school because we have class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tdi3b/white_people_dont_shoot_each_other_in_the_streets/
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This woman got mad I was reading the back of her pants

It’s not my fault I have to read things in braille

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tdgic/this_woman_got_mad_i_was_reading_the_back_of_her/
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What do you call a black guy with severed legs?

**AN AMBULANCE, CALL HIM AN AMBULANCE**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tde8c/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_with_severed_legs/
%
Why do bulls wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tddew/why_do_bulls_wear_bells/
%
What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graaaains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tddd1/what_do_vegetarian_zombies_eat/
%
So I booted up Fortnite twice simultaneously, and it turned into a zombie survival game

It was 28 Days Later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tdce4/so_i_booted_up_fortnite_twice_simultaneously_and/
%
Another man with three testicles goes to a doctor and says in a really coarse voice,

"DOCTOR I HAVE AN EXTRA TESTICLE. CAN YOU SURGICALLY REMOVE IT?"
The doctor replies, "Yes I can do that but you will notice some changes after the surgery like that voice of yours might change. Is it okay?"
"YEAH THATS ALL RIGHT"
The operation is successful and the doctor visits the patient before discharge. "How are you feeling now?"
The man replies, "Yes, doctor everything is good, even better. Thanks for everything."
A few days later there is an announcement from the King saying that he is looking for suitors for his only daughter the princess who will be the king of the nation after his demise. The only condition is that the man needs to have 3 testicles.
Hearing this the man rushes to the hospital to meet the doctor. He sees the doctor and says, "Doctor doctor. I know I just got it removed recently but I need my third testicle back."
To this the doctor replies, "I AM SORRY. IT IS TOO LATE TO DO THAT NOW."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tdcd9/another_man_with_three_testicles_goes_to_a_doctor/
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I wonder if lazy dung beetles ever feel...

pressured to get their shit together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tdbxj/i_wonder_if_lazy_dung_beetles_ever_feel/
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I bought some new shoes from a drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8td96l/i_bought_some_new_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final...

He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
“No”, the guy says, "They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8td94l/a_man_takes_his_seat_at_the_world_cup_final/
%
A group of sheep walk into a buffet.

The waiter approaches the group and says, "the ladies can eat, but the men will only be able to order drinks".
"Baaa... care to explain yourself?" asks one of the rams
"I'm sorry Sir, but as the sign stated on the door, this is an all ewe can eat buffet".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8td7de/a_group_of_sheep_walk_into_a_buffet/
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Why is Argentina struggling so much in the World Cup?

Their style of play is too Messi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8td6wj/why_is_argentina_struggling_so_much_in_the_world/
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In the land of poker, different people had different toilets. The peasants had toilets that flushed clockwise, and the nobles had toilets that flushed counterclockwise. The king had neither.

He had a straight flush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8td623/in_the_land_of_poker_different_people_had/
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How do you tickle a fancy woman?

Gucci Gucci Gucci

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8td514/how_do_you_tickle_a_fancy_woman/
%
A Eunuch goes for a job in a factory

He has the interview and gets shown around the shop floor and is told that everyone works from 8am to 6pm, 5 days a week. When they get back to the office the Manager tells the Eunuch he has the job and can start at 8.30am on Monday. The Eunuch says "but everyone starts work at 8am" to which the Manager replies "yes, but they all stand around doing nothing and scratching their balls for 30 minutes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8td4wl/a_eunuch_goes_for_a_job_in_a_factory/
%
My Dad has said he identifies as invisible

He's transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8td4cf/my_dad_has_said_he_identifies_as_invisible/
%
There were two guys at a rooftop bar. The first says "you see this beer in my hand? Three swigs of this can make me fly around this building." He takes three swigs, does a swan dive off the roof and flies around it.

As he settles to the ground the second man exclaimed "I need some of that!" The first man gives him the bottle which he takes three drinks from. The second man does an identical swan dive and falls to his death. The waiter approaches and exclaims, "HOLY CRAP SUPERMAN, WHAT THE HELL!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8td3tj/there_were_two_guys_at_a_rooftop_bar_the_first/
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Today I awoke with a song in my heart.

Someone had hacked my pacemaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8td3f9/today_i_awoke_with_a_song_in_my_heart/
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What happens when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat miner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tczmd/what_happens_when_you_drop_a_piano_down_a/
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An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tcz0a/an_elderly_italian_man_went_to_his_parish_priest/
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Problems of Bein a non-native English speaker

The problem with being a non native English speaker is, that your brain sometimes just sucks up random words and you then use them later without really having a proper intestinal lining of said words. You just hope you used them correctly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tcxbh/problems_of_bein_a_nonnative_english_speaker/
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The bar

A man walks into a bar and buys a drink.
He notices a large glass container filled with money and asks the bartender:
“What is that glass container for?”
The bartender replies:
“We have a game here in this bar that no one has ever beat. To play you must pay $50.”
The man, hesitant, asks for how to play the game.
“Well, first, you must beat up Little John over there.”
The bartender points to a 6’5, 300 pounds wrestler with watermelon sized muscles and biceps.
“Then, you must beat up Little John’s dog and take out one of his loose teeth.”
The bartender points to a 200 pound muscular Rottweiler.
“Then, you must go upstairs and fuck Lil John’s mom, who hasn’t ever had an orgasm in her 70 years of life. If you win, the whole jar is yours.”
The man is initially reluctant, but comes back to the bar later that day. He slowly gets drunk and in his drunken haze he says “Fuck it!”, drops a 50 in the jar, and knocks out Lil John in one hit.
The bartender is awed as no one had ever beaten Little John in a fight.
The man then rushes outside, and after a couple of minutes of loud barking and fighting the bartender hears the Rottweiller let out one small whine before becoming silent.
The man comes back inside, exhausted and drunk, and says
“Alright, now where’s the old lady with the loose tooth?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tcwwg/the_bar/
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There are only two type of guys. Those who pee in the shower

And those who lie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tcud8/there_are_only_two_type_of_guys_those_who_pee_in/
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What does 78 year old pussy taste like?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tctr5/what_does_78_year_old_pussy_taste_like/
%
My girlfriend was upset and kept asking me to console her.

So I hit her with my Xbox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tcqp0/my_girlfriend_was_upset_and_kept_asking_me_to/
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I was electrocuted by the Playstation controller.

I was shocked twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tcp50/i_was_electrocuted_by_the_playstation_controller/
%
Interviewer to Pelè: Do you think Barzil's 1970 team can beat today's Argentina?

Pelè: Yes.
Interviewer: By how much?
Pelè: 1:0
Interviewer: That's it?
Pelè: Well, most of us are over 75 now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tcog9/interviewer_to_pelè_do_you_think_barzils_1970/
%
what did the cannibal do after dumping his gf?

Wipe his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tcgix/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his_gf/
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My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tcav8/my_parents_used_to_tell_me_that_drug_dealers/
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Why does yo mama get along with all men?

Because a dog is a man's best friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tca0v/why_does_yo_mama_get_along_with_all_men/
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A hungry man approaches a Grammar Nazi cannibal.

"Whatcha making in that cauldron?"
"You mean *which* Jamaican."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tc92v/a_hungry_man_approaches_a_grammar_nazi_cannibal/
%
Just watching the Germany Sweden game and there’s a Swedish player called lustig

that’s funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tc8oh/just_watching_the_germany_sweden_game_and_theres/
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I discovered I have a "Logic Fetish"

I can't stop cumming to conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tc719/i_discovered_i_have_a_logic_fetish/
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Me: I want to travel

Bank Account: Where? To work?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tc6ej/me_i_want_to_travel/
%
Did you hear about the old Italian man?

I heard he pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tc62k/did_you_hear_about_the_old_italian_man/
%
Why was the pc gamer denied entry into the nightclub?

It was exclusive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tc5er/why_was_the_pc_gamer_denied_entry_into_the/
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Two Mexican are stuck in the desert...

....after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. ”
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon …. Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
“Pepe… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree... Ees a ham bush….”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tc330/two_mexican_are_stuck_in_the_desert/
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We can't let Germany get knocked out of the world cup...

Last time it happened was in 1938 and to say they took it badly is a bit of an understatement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tc2yv/we_cant_let_germany_get_knocked_out_of_the_world/
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I heard 8/10 people are bad at math..

Good to know I'm in the other 2%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tc0kj/i_heard_810_people_are_bad_at_math/
%
An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars.

Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"
Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"
Old lady: "I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit."
Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a million dollars you are probably right."
The bank assistant calls for the director, and after explaining the situation the bank director arrives.
Bank director: "So my assistant tells me you want to deposit one million dollars. May I ask how you came in possession of one million dollars?"
Old lady: "Naturally. I earned them by betting. I actually make a living from betting!"
Bank director: "I find that hard to believe. Want kind of betting do you do?"
Old lady: "All sorts of betting. As an example I'll bet you 25,000$ that your balls are squared."
Bank director: "Umm... I don't... Umm.. Well. Under normal circumstances I don't bet but this seems so absurd that I'll agree."
So the bank director and the old lady shake hand and the director asks how and when this bet should be settled.
Old lady: "Well considering that this is a bet of 25,000$ I'd like my lawyer to be present and when I do the inspection. So how about we meet with my lawyer tomorrow morning?"
The bank director agrees to this, happy to have earned 25,000$ this easy.
Next morning he walks into the office of the locally well respected lawyer and greets the old lady.
Not wanting to waste his time, he unbuttons his pants, pulls down his underwear and as the old lady lifts his balls up for inspection he notices the lawyer banging his head against the wall repeatedly.
Quite startled the bank director looks at the old lady and asks
Bank director: "What is going on with your lawyer?!"
Old lady(grinning) : "Oh well. Yesterday I bet him a million dollars that within 24 hours I would be holding the balls of the managing bank director in my very hand..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tbuzn/an_old_lady_walks_into_a_bank_with_a_million/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tbu2a/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
I don't know why people say cancer is so difficult.

I'm already on stage 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tbtdb/i_dont_know_why_people_say_cancer_is_so_difficult/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel attached to his crotch.

The bartender, obviously curious, says:
"Are you aware there's a steering wheel attached to your crotch?"
The pirate replies:
"AARRGGHH, It drives me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tbss6/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_ships_steering/
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What do chairs think about all day?

“Oh, jeez. Here comes another asshole”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tbrbj/what_do_chairs_think_about_all_day/
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I've come into a lot of cash recently doing unethical activities

If it wasn't dirty money before, it certainly is now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tbq3x/ive_come_into_a_lot_of_cash_recently_doing/
%
why did princess diana cross the road?

because she didn't have a seatbelt on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tbnuf/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
Why do pirates never make honor roll?

They only get high C's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tbkll/why_do_pirates_never_make_honor_roll/
%
What do you call a German queen who refuses to listen to Mozart?

Queen of the Nein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tbi2u/what_do_you_call_a_german_queen_who_refuses_to/
%
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.
"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."
"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"
"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age."
"Fine. Well what other things do you have?"
"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?"
"Pop." Goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tbdmq/a_13_year_old_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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Have you ever wanted to try redneck food?

I'd say just gopher it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tbbzq/have_you_ever_wanted_to_try_redneck_food/
%
I recently bought a new Rolex and my son dropped it and broke it. Anyway,I am having a giveaway

The kid is 9 years old, tall and cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tb8w7/i_recently_bought_a_new_rolex_and_my_son_dropped/
%
The world cannot possibly be flat...

... otherwise cats would have pushed everything known to mankind off the edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tb3t9/the_world_cannot_possibly_be_flat/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8taykx/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
Why did Mozart kill his pet chicken?

Because all it would say was, "Bach, Bach, Bach..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tautv/why_did_mozart_kill_his_pet_chicken/
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You know that urge to eat something just cause its there?

Well i lost my job as a gynecologist today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tausf/you_know_that_urge_to_eat_something_just_cause/
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[NSFW] I took a viagra on lunch break yesterday...

I thought my boss would have been happier to see me hard at work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tatpr/nsfw_i_took_a_viagra_on_lunch_break_yesterday/
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How is sex and a guitar different?

With sex, fingering A minor will land you in jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tapsr/how_is_sex_and_a_guitar_different/
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New House

Three friends are visiting a buddy who just moved into his new house.  He offers them beers, then tells them to look around while he takes a quick shower. The three friends wander through the house then head outside to take a look at the backyard.
It is beautifully landscaped and huge,  but right away the notice a large hole in the center of the yard.  They walk out to it and they realize they can't see the bottom.  One of the men drops his now empty beer bottle down and they all listen closely, but none of them hear it hit.  The other two men drop their bottles,  and still no sound.
They decide to get creative,  and grabbing large rocks and even a flower pot, they toss whatever they can find into the hole, but they still can't hear anything hit the bottom.  One of the men notices an old tractor axel laying next to the fence,  and with the help of his friends drops they that in the hole.  Still there was nothing to be heard.
Out of nowhere their friends old golden retriever Missy comes running, and before they can react she jumps straight down the hole.  They stand there staring at the hole in disbelief wondering how to break the news to their friend that his dog is gone.
Finally they head in just as he comes out of his bedroom.  He starts to ask how they enjoyed the house, but they stop him and tell him to sit down.
"Look man,  we don't know how to tell you this,  but Missy is gone.  She jumped into that giant hole in your backyard."
The man looks startled then starts laughing,  "real funny,  you guys almost had me, but that's impossible!  She is chained up to an old tractor axel next to the fence. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tap7m/new_house/
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A Spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3...

He says: “Uno, dos....” *POOF!!*
He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tajfe/a_spanish_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8taj1r/i_got_turned_down_from_my_job_interview_for/
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On the Racist Scale from 1 to 10

Hitler was ranked as a nein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tae9m/on_the_racist_scale_from_1_to_10/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair

virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tadlf/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tacov/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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Hotel Vending Machine

One time I was in a hotel and I was trying to get something out of one of those vending machines where you pull the rod corresponding to your selection. It was stuck so I was pulling and pulling and pulling when my hand slipped off the knob. A very buxom young lady was walking past and my elbow accidentally made a hard contact with her breast.
I was a bit flustered and I said, "Oh! I am so sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me!"
She said, "Don't worry about it. And if the rest of you is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 248."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8tabe9/hotel_vending_machine/
%
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ta90x/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
%
Does anyone have any salt water survival tips? I could really use some help.

I'm sort of in a pickle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ta6vj/does_anyone_have_any_salt_water_survival_tips_i/
%
What would you do if a blond threw a hand grenade at you?

You would pull the pin and throw it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ta5xs/what_would_you_do_if_a_blond_threw_a_hand_grenade/
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I called OnStar for roadside assistance yesterday

I told the lady I was stranded on the side of the road.
She said, "At least you have a shoulder to cry on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ta5dr/i_called_onstar_for_roadside_assistance_yesterday/
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If Noah built an Ark in 2018

And lo, in the year 2018, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.""Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark."Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?""Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.""I needed a building permit.""I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.""My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.""Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.""Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.""I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!""When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.""Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.""I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.""Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.""The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.""So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?""No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ta578/if_noah_built_an_ark_in_2018/
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The other day, I saw two men wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were gay

and then they arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ta35i/the_other_day_i_saw_two_men_wearing_matching/
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A captain was flying over a mental hospital...

...when suddenly he started laughing vigorously.
"What's so funny?" Asked the co-pilot.
The captain answered: "I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ta2hi/a_captain_was_flying_over_a_mental_hospital/
%
I wanted to post a time travel joke

But I got reported for reposting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ta2gl/i_wanted_to_post_a_time_travel_joke/
%
A joke about ethanol

nvm... too corny.
Oh, but I do have a ~~construction joke~~ - eh, actually I'm still working on it.
;D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ta1xl/a_joke_about_ethanol/
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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t9yl9/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
%
Went out last night dressed as a chicken and got with a girl dressed as an egg

A life long question was answered. It was the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t9y07/went_out_last_night_dressed_as_a_chicken_and_got/
%
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

Because it's two-tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t9w28/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
%
Detectives finally arrest two men suspected of robbing a 3M plant.

But they couldn’t find any evidence that would stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t9tpz/detectives_finally_arrest_two_men_suspected_of/
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Lorena Bobbitt got in a bad car accident on the freeway today

some dick cut her off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t9q7o/lorena_bobbitt_got_in_a_bad_car_accident_on_the/
%
What does OC stand for?

Me: What does OC stand for?
r/Jokes: How are we supposed to know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t9pue/what_does_oc_stand_for/
%
*tips fedora at Borneo*

M'laysia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t9pbk/tips_fedora_at_borneo/
%
If Caitlyn Jenner became a superhero

Would she be an Xmen or a Transformer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t9imv/if_caitlyn_jenner_became_a_superhero/
%
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t9i1h/my_neighbor_came_at_me_really_aggressively_asking/
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Why don't Italians like Jehovah's witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t9ejg/why_dont_italians_like_jehovahs_witnesses/
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What does the Loch Ness Monster eat?

Fish & ships

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t9e29/what_does_the_loch_ness_monster_eat/
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I find younger girls seem to make more noise in the bedroom...

I suppose they are not expecting to see a man outside their window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t9c1z/i_find_younger_girls_seem_to_make_more_noise_in/
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A man with 3 balls

visits a doctor to talk about his situation. But when the time comes, he is embarassed to talk about it. So he says, "Hey doctor. Between the 2 of us, there are five testicles in the room." Hearing this the doctor faints out of shock.
When he comes to his senses the man asked " What happened doctor? Are you alright?"
The doctor replies, "Yes. I was just surprised how you survived this long with just one testicle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t9br0/a_man_with_3_balls/
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Half of the people in this room are stupid.

-Take that back immediately !
-Okay, okay... Half of the people in this room are not stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t9auc/half_of_the_people_in_this_room_are_stupid/
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When old chemists die,

they barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t99mv/when_old_chemists_die/
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A raccoon walks into a bar

”One beer, please” the raccoon orders. The bartender is an old stuttering gentleman:
“O-o-ne b-b-eer co-co-ming up pa-pa-nda...”
The raccoon is very annoyed: “Let me just correct that for you right away, I’m actually a raccoon, I am not a panda”
“Y-y-es. O-o-ne be-e-er co-co-ming up p-p-anda...”
The raccoon is now furious:
“Listen you geezer, I’m not a fucking panda OK? I’m a raccoon.”
The bartender rolls his eyes and replies:
“O-o-h sh-sh-ut up ra-ra-ccoon, le-let m-me fi-fi-nish m-my se-sentence. I-I wa-wa-as t-t-trying to s-s-say “O-o-ne b-b-beer co-coming u-up a-and a b-b-bowl of nu-nuts i-included i-in th-the pr-price.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t8rrb/a_raccoon_walks_into_a_bar/
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A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road & says

"Don't do it mate. You'll never hear the fucking end of it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t8r1q/a_chicken_walks_up_to_a_duck_stood_at_the_side_of/
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How do you make a Fart Silent?

You take the Art out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t8qse/how_do_you_make_a_fart_silent/
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What do you call a lizard that reposts old jokes everyday?

Karmachameleon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t8o6p/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_that_reposts_old_jokes/
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How are women like swimming pools?

They both cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t8n6v/how_are_women_like_swimming_pools/
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So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"
The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"
After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships close to fighting range and fight all day, with many heroics on both sides, but with the captain and his red shirt standing alive and victorious as the other ship sinks behind them in the sunset light.
Later that night the cabin boy is curious and asks the captain why he needed his red shirt, and the captain replies "Well, with my red shirt on, none of the men would see me bleeding if I was wounded, and so they would not lose heart and continue to fight on to victory!"
The cabin boy thinks that's pretty clever and goes to bed for the night.
The next day, the captain is standing on the deck as they sail along when the lookout shouts down "Sir! Twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"
And the captain turns to his cabin boy and says "Bring me my brown pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t8n2q/so_a_three_masted_sailing_ship_is_leaving_port/
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I was going to tell a time travel joke here...

But none of you liked it! :'(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t8mnh/i_was_going_to_tell_a_time_travel_joke_here/
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YOURE GOING THE WRONG WAY!

Ah theyre drunk, how do they know where were going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t8lg5/youre_going_the_wrong_way/
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Father:"son you were adopted..."

Son: "What!? I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, your new family will pick you up in twenty minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t8kn9/fatherson_you_were_adopted/
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The Bet

Bob walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blond at the bar and stares up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was just coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building about to jump.
The blond looks at Bob and says, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blond replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blond placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blond was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair is fair," she says. "Here's your money."
Bob replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blond replies, "I saw that too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t8hpv/the_bet/
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Naked except for the boots

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret, 75, looked him over.
“Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”
“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”
Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t8h27/naked_except_for_the_boots/
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The Librarian

What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.
Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.
“9 am,” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”
“Not until 9 am?” the man asked in a disappointed voice.
The librarian began to get angry.
“No, not until 9 am,” said the librarian. “Why do you want to get in before 9 am?”
“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t8h0b/the_librarian/
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My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I gave her some superglue instead.

She’s still not talking to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t8a4u/my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her_the_lip_balm_but_i/
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There were 3 guys, exploring a jungle one day...

They were caught by a tribe of cannibals, but instead of being killed they were brought to the tribal chief.
The chief told them he would let the 3 live, but they had to do 2 things. First off, they had to go into the jungle, and collect 10 pieces of a fruit they find. They would be told their 2nd task when they return.
So off the 3 guys went. After some time, one returns with an armload of apples. The chief tells the guy that the 2nd task is to take those apples, and shove them up his ass. If the guy can do so without reaction, he can go, but if not, he'll be killed. The guy figures it's a chance at life, so he may as well take it.
Guy takes his first apple and gets it in without issue, likewise with the 2nd apple. The 3rd apple take a bit more but he gets it in. With the 4th apple, it's getting difficult and more so with the 5th. At the 6th apple he can't do it anymore, grimaces, and is killed on the spot.
2nd guy gets back, and all he has is a handful of berries. Chief gives him the same challenge. which the guy accepts. First berry in is nothing. same with the 2nd, 3rd, and so on. If fact, he almost finished when he just suddenly starts laughing his head off, and so is killed.
The 2 meet up in heaven where the first guy asks the second why he sarted laughing when he was almost home free. Second guy goes..
"I couldn't help it, when I saw our buddy coming back with this armload of pineapples..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t84zg/there_were_3_guys_exploring_a_jungle_one_day/
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The Will

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
“Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
“How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”
“Two and a half carats.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t845t/the_will/
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I get nostalgic when reversing my car

It always takes me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t7y5o/i_get_nostalgic_when_reversing_my_car/
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I told my roommate you get enough vitamin C in your diet without needing supplements.

The next morning, I noticed he was still taking Vitamin C with breakfast.
"Why are you taking that?" I quizzed him.
"What do you mean?" was his response. Feeling the need to revisit our previous discussion, I reminded him,
"It's fruitless".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t7tuz/i_told_my_roommate_you_get_enough_vitamin_c_in/
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Why were Natives in America First?

...Because they had reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t7t7s/why_were_natives_in_america_first/
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A dyslexic robber runs into a bank and screams...

Air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t7nfp/a_dyslexic_robber_runs_into_a_bank_and_screams/
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BATMAN: I need to use the bathroom

ROBIN: What is hroom ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t7jjs/batman_i_need_to_use_the_bathroom/
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Why did the blanket lie and confess to the murder?

It was the perfect cover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t7gfg/why_did_the_blanket_lie_and_confess_to_the_murder/
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[NSFW][LONG]A warm glass of milk.

An older gentleman is in a nursing home and his son stops by to visit him. The son notices that his father is doing exceptionally well and asks him how he's doing. The father replies that the nursing home is giving him a Viagra and a warm glass of milk every night before bed and that he wakes up feeling more refreshed then he's ever felt before.
Intrigued, the son asks him why and who is giving him the Viagra. The father then replies that the nurse gives it to him and that he has no idea why, but it helps. So the man decides to ask the nurse why he's taking Viagra for a sleep aid.
He then goes and asks the front desk nurse if she can give any insight on the warm milk and Viagra. The nurse replies that the warm milk is to help to ease the stomach, and the Viagra is to help keep him from rolling off the bed at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t7eyh/nsfwlonga_warm_glass_of_milk/
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A lady walked into the library and asked the Liberian if she had any books on paranoia

To which she responded in a hushed tone- “They’re right behind you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t7dz4/a_lady_walked_into_the_library_and_asked_the/
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A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going...

The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t7cin/a_guy_takes_his_wife_out_for_the_night_and_they/
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A man walks into a library and orders two cheese burgers...

The librarian says, "Uh, sir, this is a library."
The man whispers
^(oh sorry, may I have two cheese burgers please?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t7asr/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_orders_two_cheese/
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Someone stole my mood ring.

And I don't know how I feel about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t7aja/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
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When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t78ny/when_i_was_young_i_always_felt_like_a_male/
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A cruise ship was in the middle of the sea when suddenly-

A cruise ship was in the middle of the sea when suddenly a kid slipped while running and fell off the ship.
Everyone immediately rushed to the side the kid fell from, worried that he would drown, when suddenly a man jumps off and grabs the kid, while holding him with one arm he swims with the other, long enough so that a ladder can get lowered, so he can climb up (with the kid in hand). When he gets top everyone starts calling him a hero, when the mother of the kid goes to him and says "thank you so much, you're a hero"
The guy, in response says: "none of this hero bullshit, who was the asshole that pushed me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t78kc/a_cruise_ship_was_in_the_middle_of_the_sea_when/
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What’s the difference between a man who owns land and one who doesn’t?

A lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t78gr/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_who_owns_land/
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Two amish women are in a field harvesting potatoes.

One amish woman holds up two potatoes and sighs.
The other amish woman says "What's the matter?"
"These potatoes remind me of my husband's testicles." replied the first woman.
"Oh, that big?"  said the second woman.
"No, that dirty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t7784/two_amish_women_are_in_a_field_harvesting_potatoes/
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My Mom Tried To Force Feed Me Alphabet Soup, Saying “I Loved It”

I Hate It When People Put Words In My Mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t746d/my_mom_tried_to_force_feed_me_alphabet_soup/
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What are the advantages of living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t726a/what_are_the_advantages_of_living_in_switzerland/
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I love my saw.

It reciprocates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6zkc/i_love_my_saw/
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What do pimps and farmers have in common?

They both need a hoe to stay in business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6ym8/what_do_pimps_and_farmers_have_in_common/
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Little Johnny gets on the pubic bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

He keeps saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I'd be a chick. If my mom was a doe and my dad was a buck, I'd be a fawn."
The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to Little Johnny, saying, "What if your mom was a whore and your dad was a queer?"
Little Johnny responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6ybt/little_johnny_gets_on_the_pubic_bus_and_sits/
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Fifty Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6vns/fifty_dollars/
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What did the Egyptian say to his friend when they both passed gas at the same time?

We just had a toot in common

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6umy/what_did_the_egyptian_say_to_his_friend_when_they/
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Is it okay to eat a lake monster's vegetables?

Not Nessie's celery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6sis/is_it_okay_to_eat_a_lake_monsters_vegetables/
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It's a little late for a New Year's resolution, But I think it's for the better.

I've decided to go full Vegan. I won't be eating animals anymore. *Just* Vegans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6s1f/its_a_little_late_for_a_new_years_resolution_but/
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What do you call an Indian atheist?

A naan believer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6pfj/what_do_you_call_an_indian_atheist/
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What did the cannibal do when he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6hui/what_did_the_cannibal_do_when_he_dumped_his/
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What do you call a triangle with attitude?

An isasceles triangle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6g1g/what_do_you_call_a_triangle_with_attitude/
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I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps

I was delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6fpx/i_came_home_from_work_yesterday_to_find_that/
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A very large man asks for the time

A young man 6'7 and wide as an ox, he goes up to an older lady in the mall and he asks: "Scuze m,m,me m,m,ma'am do you havthes the time?"
Feeling sorry she can't help this man with a speech impediment she says to him: "Sorry sonny, my watch is in the shop being repaired"
The large man says "okay" and walks not too far over to a man who has a watch on visibly. The man about 5'7 looks up as the big guy asks: "Scuze m,m,me s,s,s,ir do you havthes the time?"
The smaller man just looks terrified and shakes his head no and walks away.
The lady seeing this go down approaches him and scolds him: "Sir! How dare you!? Just because he is a little different you can't give that young man the time?"
The small man says: "M,m,ma'am you whantz m,m,me to geet my ass kickted?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6czz/a_very_large_man_asks_for_the_time/
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What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two Test-tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6c39/whats_the_last_thing_tickle_me_elmo_receives/
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What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6bxm/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_cries_while_he/
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What is the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6bpf/what_is_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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I think my boss might actually be Thanos in disguise

Today, he snapped his fingers and half my weekend disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6awi/i_think_my_boss_might_actually_be_thanos_in/
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Did you know that Milk is the fastest liquid on earth?

It's pasteurized before you even see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6av7/did_you_know_that_milk_is_the_fastest_liquid_on/
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Two trees in the woods notice a small sapling growing in between them.

The first tree says: “look at that maple tree growing there!”
The second tree says: “that’s not a maple tree, that’s an elm tree!”
They argue back and forth until a woodpecker comes by. They ask the woodpecker to go and peck at the sapling and tell them if it is a maple or an elm.
The woodpecker pecks at the small tree and flies back up to the bigger trees.
He says: “I’ve come to tell you that is neither a maple nor an elm, but rather the best piece of ash I’ve ever put my pecker in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6amm/two_trees_in_the_woods_notice_a_small_sapling/
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A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It's very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then preach in a monotone voice.  Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the podium and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher didn't want
to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and hit the podium with a loud thud as springs, gears and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6afa/a_local_preacher_was_dissatisfied_with_the_small/
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A dad is washing his car with his son.

Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t6ac6/a_dad_is_washing_his_car_with_his_son/
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I found out what's wrong with my brain.

My left side isn't right and my right side doesn't have anything left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t66xf/i_found_out_whats_wrong_with_my_brain/
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A friend asked me: 'What does really bring out the child in you?'

Apparently, 'an abortion' is not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t66ct/a_friend_asked_me_what_does_really_bring_out_the/
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A guy walks into a bar....

And the bar is completely empty. He thinks about leaving and decides to have a drink. He approaches the bar.
“Pint please bar tender”
He takes his drink and sits down.
5 minuets later he gets a tap on the shoulder.
“Here pal, that’s my seat”
He looks around. He’s the only other person here apart from the tapper.
“Look pal, there’s no one here plenty of seats, so fuck off”
The other guy responded. “I’ve been coming here for ten years, and empty or otherwise, that’s my seat”
“Oh yeah?” Says the man “well I’ve been here ten minutes, and as I said, there’s plenty of other seats, so I’m not moving”.
“So you’re not moving” says the tapper
“No” says the man
“Well then” says the tapper “ I hope you know how to play the fucking piano”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t62ye/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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I never drink out of a straw...

My momma didn't raise a sucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t60db/i_never_drink_out_of_a_straw/
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A guy in my English class was dissing my boy Oedipus.

So I said, "Well unlike you, he was unaware that he was fucking his mom."
...
I thought of this joke last night when I was supposed to be asleep. Someone tell me if this was already posted before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t5zrv/a_guy_in_my_english_class_was_dissing_my_boy/
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Why doesn’t Donald Duck have to wear pants?

Because his pecker is on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t5tov/why_doesnt_donald_duck_have_to_wear_pants/
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What did the Japanese father say to his son when he got a bug bite on his knee?

You got an ichi-ni-san?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t5tdw/what_did_the_japanese_father_say_to_his_son_when/
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Horror Movie

A man pours himself a drink and sits down to watch TV.
After 3 or 4 cocktails, he starts yelling at the TV " Don't go in that Church. Don't you do it you Stupid Son of a Bitch!"
His wife comes into the living room and asks "What kind of Horror Movie are you watching?"
"Our Wedding Video" he replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t5rsm/horror_movie/
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If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

K9P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t5r3o/if_h2o_is_on_the_inside_of_a_fire_hydrant_what_is/
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Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white...

...so now it looks like France landed there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t5pwr/solar_radiation_has_turned_the_american_flags_on/
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What’s the best part about a blowjob?

You get 5 minutes of silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t5lxb/whats_the_best_part_about_a_blowjob/
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Sex is like heroine to me.

I’m not doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t5i1l/sex_is_like_heroine_to_me/
%
For Fathers Day I took my Dad out.

It only took seven bullets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t5coj/for_fathers_day_i_took_my_dad_out/
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The real joke is always in the comments.

I sure do damn hope so cause I got nothing to put here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t5cb7/the_real_joke_is_always_in_the_comments/
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[Long] Three men are interviewing for a FBI job...

The instructor sits them in a room togeather and starts out by saying, "men you three are the finest america has to offer. Gun skills, hand to hand combat, not to mention youre IQs are near genius levels. There is only one test left." The instructor walks over to a small hallway with three doors. "We have to make sure youre willing to do anything for your country."
"In each of those rooms is a person you hold very dearly. You are to go in to the room and shoot this person." Each man walks to his door and opens it. One man skrieks and says "there is now way i can shoot my dear grandma" he is then escorted off the premises.
The other two mean grab a gun and walk into there room. No more than 2 minutes later ine walks out crying. "I cant do it, i would like to leave." As soon as he says that a gunshot rings out. Followed by 5 more. Then a lot of racket and the last man walks out of the room covered in blood. "What happened?!?" Exclaimed the instructor.
"Well sir, my ex-wife was in there. I told her i was sorry and the kids will be taken care of. To my suprise, some idiot put blanks in the gun so i had to beat her with the chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t58og/long_three_men_are_interviewing_for_a_fbi_job/
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A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t55v5/a_dyslexic_friend_of_mine_thought_it_might_help/
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Two nuns are riding their bikes through Provence...

and they get lost. One says, "I never came this way before."
The other replies, "Maybe it's the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t52v6/two_nuns_are_riding_their_bikes_through_provence/
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[Short] What did Trump say when he accidentally drank from a bottle of O'Douls?

FAKE BREWS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t52pv/short_what_did_trump_say_when_he_accidentally/
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Did you hear about the hose that was into BDSM?

It had a few kinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t51jg/did_you_hear_about_the_hose_that_was_into_bdsm/
%
I got scammed by a market vendor in Cairo

Egypt me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t517b/i_got_scammed_by_a_market_vendor_in_cairo/
%
I had to shut down my human centipede program

I couldn’t make ends meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t509q/i_had_to_shut_down_my_human_centipede_program/
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Children’s names

A mother and her children were talking. “Mom, why is my name rose?”said Rose.
Mom replied “when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head, so we named you Rose.”
“Why am I called Poppy?”said another child.
“Because when you were a baby, a Poppy petal fell on your head, so we called you Poppy,” answered mom.
Then she heard a noise.
“Nnnnngrahhlllaaarrrr”
“Oh be quiet, Refrigerator,” mom shouted to her third child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t4twk/childrens_names/
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The story of a U.S Army member named Will

His 3rd day into battle, his squad commander, upon seeing enemies, yelled “FIRE AT WILL!”
*edit just thought of this, could be much better but I’m not that good at putting jokes together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t4rkf/the_story_of_a_us_army_member_named_will/
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I asked my local baker for her amazing bread recipe.

She said it's on a knead to dough basis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t4qgo/i_asked_my_local_baker_for_her_amazing_bread/
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What's the best thing about a boolean?

Even if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t4mbw/whats_the_best_thing_about_a_boolean/
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My girlfriend called me a peedo

I was having dinner with my girlfriend, and she called me a paedo. Sure, she's 18 and I'm 31, but that's not that big of an age gap right? Totally ruined our 10 year anniversary...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t4lwt/my_girlfriend_called_me_a_peedo/
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I got sent a 50gb .zip file from my friend. I don't know what's it's for but

sigh *unzips*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t4lhd/i_got_sent_a_50gb_zip_file_from_my_friend_i_dont/
%
A woman goes to a fortune teller

to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"
The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convicted or not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t4i7p/a_woman_goes_to_a_fortune_teller/
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Did you hear about the farmer who won a nobel prize?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t4bzh/did_you_hear_about_the_farmer_who_won_a_nobel/
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If laziness were an Olympic sport...

I’d get fourth so I wouldn’t have to walk up to the podium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t4b5r/if_laziness_were_an_olympic_sport/
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We are really concerned with what's going on South of the Border with all the drugs gun violence and now this new Dictatorship

I am Canadian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t49by/we_are_really_concerned_with_whats_going_on_south/
%
People don't typically wear glasses while boxing....

It's more of a contacts sport

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t47nk/people_dont_typically_wear_glasses_while_boxing/
%
My dad is a geologist and has been dating rocks for years...

His best advice is to just be gneiss and try not to be a little schist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t47lz/my_dad_is_a_geologist_and_has_been_dating_rocks/
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The boys got hired at their dad's valet business.

Now he has parkinsons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t42ha/the_boys_got_hired_at_their_dads_valet_business/
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I’ve got a date with destiny

And for 50$ an hour, not bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t3vk1/ive_got_a_date_with_destiny/
%
Why can't dinosaurs clap...

because they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t3tz5/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
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5 Jokes About Pi

1. Divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter and what do you get?
Pumpkin Pi
2. I saw a movie and gave it a 3.1415 out of 5.
It was Life of Pi
3. My friend decided to get a tattoo of the symbol pi on his face.
It was an irrational decision
4. Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's table?
Sir Cumference . but how did he get that way?
eating too much Pi.
5. I hate all these Pi jokes.
They go on forever.
With that last one I'll show myself the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t3trl/5_jokes_about_pi/
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"My wife can't be pregnant!"

A man shouted over the phone to the family doctor. "I've been traveling overseas for the past 10 months!"
"We call that a grudge pregnancy," the doctor said. "Someone had it in for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t3spa/my_wife_cant_be_pregnant/
%
So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows him to see what he's doing with all these books.
There is a frog sitting across the way that the chicken takes the books to. The librarian, confused but curious, continues to follow the chicken. The chicken approaches the frog, says "bock bock bock bock bock", places the five books into the frogs hands. The frog responds by tossing each book aside one by one, "reddit reddit reddit reddit reddit"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t3q0y/so_a_chicken_walks_into_a_library_and_says_bock/
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Bullshit! Then why did Steve Jobs die anyway?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t3m56/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away/
%
A leper walks into a bar & tells the bartender...

A leper walks into a bar & tells the bartender "I know I'm disgusting looking but If you could please serve me a scotch I'd be grateful, I'll leave if I'm too much to stomach." Bartender says "No problem, as long as your paying I'll pour."
So the bartender pours the leper a drink & then starts gagging. the leper say's he'll leave but the bartender says "No it's ok." So the leper orders another scotch & the bartender pours the drink then vomits. the leper says "you don't have to pretend I'm not hideous I can leave." The bartender shakes his head & says " what you look like isn't a big deal, but the guy next to you keeps dipping his chips in your arm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t3m0n/a_leper_walks_into_a_bar_tells_the_bartender/
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Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar.

And doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t3kyo/schrodingers_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
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Husband notices that after every fight...

...wife goes to the bathroom and locks for 10mins. When she is back everything is back to normal. This piques his curiosity.
So, he decides to ask her about it.
Husband: Honey, I've notice that everytime we fight, you go and lock the bathroom. What about it? Tell me about your coping mechanism?
Wife: I clear my head by thoroughly cleaning the toilet
Husband: oh yeah, I've noticed the toilet is extremely clean.
Wife: well, your toothbrush really hits the spot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t3gn6/husband_notices_that_after_every_fight/
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A programmer puts 2 glasses on his nightstand before going to bed, one with water and one without.

One in case he wakes up in the middle of the night thirsty, and one in case he's not!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t3a1q/a_programmer_puts_2_glasses_on_his_nightstand/
%
A man was worried about getting a circumcision so he asks his friend for advice

“Jimmy, you got a circumcision right? How long did it take you to recover?”
“Well, I got it when I was three days old and I wasn’t able to walk for 11 months after it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t34ab/a_man_was_worried_about_getting_a_circumcision_so/
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I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequel going to be set in a different department.
This time it's personnel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t33c7/ive_written_a_script_for_a_film_about_an_action/
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What's the difference between yogurt and America?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t30an/whats_the_difference_between_yogurt_and_america/
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Why is jazz the most typical genre people use to "set the mood?"

It's so saxxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t2r7k/why_is_jazz_the_most_typical_genre_people_use_to/
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Why wasn't the young serpent wearing any clothes?

Because he was snake-kid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t2mrm/why_wasnt_the_young_serpent_wearing_any_clothes/
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A husband and wife are sitting in church listening to a sermon about Adam and Eve...

A husband and wife are sitting in church listening to a sermon about Adam and Eve.  The husband is taking notes when he notices his wife dozing off.  He gently pokes her with his pencil and she wakes up.  The Adam and Eve sermon continues but a few minutes later, he notices her dozing off again.  This time he pokes her a little bit harder.  She pops right up and apologizes to her husband for nodding off.  Sermon continues and the preacher asks the congregation, "Do you know what the first words Eve spoke to Adam were?"  Noticing his wife was asleep again and not wanting her to miss this, he gives her a solid poke with his pencil once more.  Furious, she stands up and yells, "If you poke me with that thing one more time, I'm going to break it in half!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t2ibb/a_husband_and_wife_are_sitting_in_church/
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The Love Dress

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t2e8r/the_love_dress/
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If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t2dra/if_having_low_confidence_and_low_selfesteem_was/
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When God decided to try some alcohol

One day God decided to visit the earth & try some alcohol.
So he changed his dress & went to a bar and asked the bartender :- What all do you have..??
Bartender :- We have Whisky,  Rum, Vodka, Gin, Beer etc etc.
God :- Let's try Whisky first. Give me a bottle of whisky.
After having full bottle of Whisky, God decided to try Rum.
Bartender was shocked, who is this man..?? After having a bottle of Whisky, he is still on his feet.
After having a bottle of Rum, God decided to have beer.
After having 10 bottles of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin.
Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him :-
Sir, who are you..?? I've seen people getting drunk after having 4 glasses of whisky and you've almost had 12 bottles and you are still on your feet!!  Who are you..??
God :- I am GOD
Bartender :- Ah!, now it hit him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t2bju/when_god_decided_to_try_some_alcohol/
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do you have any sodium hypobromite?

NaBrO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t2an2/do_you_have_any_sodium_hypobromite/
%
Once the North Korean leader dies, who will take his place?

His next of Kim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t29ww/once_the_north_korean_leader_dies_who_will_take/
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I can count on my hands the number of times I've visited Chernobyl

13

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t29t8/i_can_count_on_my_hands_the_number_of_times_ive/
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Stacey

Her name was Stacey.
One day I asked Stacey out on a date.
She turned me down.
You see I used to have a stutter, and she thought that it was annoying.
I was like: “Okay, whatever b-b-b-bitch.”
I didn’t see her again for two years.
I was walking on the street when I saw her.
She looked awful.
Her skin had lost its color and was almost gray. Her fingernails were long, yellow, and chipped. Her hair had gone from silky smooth to a knotty mess. She looked up at me and her eyes were bloodshot and looked like they were about to fall out of her head. Her face was twitching rapidly and contorting into a spectrum of expressions and emotions all at once.
She’d gotten hooked on crack.
It was like I was looking at an entirely different person.
“Stacey… is that you?”
She whipped her head around at me and her eyes lit up.
“Oh hey! You’re that kid who had the stutter… Daniel!”
“My name is Damien. Stacey, have you been smokingcrack? What happened to you? How did you get like this?”
She paused for a moment and began to sob.
“My life just fell apart. I got involved with the wrong people, and I lost my job, my car, everything.”
“I want to help you. Do you have any more crack?”
“Yeah a little, I was saving it for later.”
“I’m not going to let you smoke that. Give it to me. I’m going to get you checked into rehab and soon you’ll get your life on track.”
She looked at me with optimism in her eyes.
“You’re right. I need to get help. Thank you for helping me realize that. Here.”
She hand me a small bag with crack in it.
“I’m not touching that stuff ever again. Thank you for being here for me. You have no idea how much I apprecia-”
I had already booked it as fast as I could in the opposite direction. Dumb bitch just gave me free crack lol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t27hg/stacey/
%
Did you know you can get nitroglycerine pills to cure sickness?

Yep, just pop one and you'll never be sick again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t261o/did_you_know_you_can_get_nitroglycerine_pills_to/
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Sex education

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t2584/sex_education/
%
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "Hey asshole! It's 3:30 in the fucking morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t24u6/late_one_night_a_drunk_guy_is_showing_some/
%
The Argentina team visited an orphanage in Russia

-It breaks my heart to see those poor eyes filled with sadness and hopelessness..
said one of the orphans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t228f/the_argentina_team_visited_an_orphanage_in_russia/
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What’s the difference between a politician laying dead in the road, and a snake laying dead in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the snake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t1ymv/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_laying/
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If people were hard drives

Bruce Jenner would have been reformatted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t1ye2/if_people_were_hard_drives/
%
It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t1xz4/its_the_year_2070_instead_of_putting_funny/
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Flat earthers are so close to the truth, but there are some obvious discrepancies . I've finally solved it...

Welcome to the Pringle Earth Society...and remember, once you see, you can't disagree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t1ve6/flat_earthers_are_so_close_to_the_truth_but_there/
%
A neighbor comes to Mr Myer

and says, “Your dog bit my mother in law!”
Mr Myer is horrified and apologizes, adding sadly, “You’ll probably be wanting financial recompense, won’t you?”
“Absolutely not!” smiles the neighbor, “I’d love to buy the dog!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t1tad/a_neighbor_comes_to_mr_myer/
%
A father was found dead at the foot of the Eiffel Tower

As his grieving family finally met the police they told him he was found with a note in his hand which was most likely the suicide note. The police, not having read it, handed it to the mother. The mother opens the note and reads aloud "Eiffel off the tower"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t1mx9/a_father_was_found_dead_at_the_foot_of_the_eiffel/
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Three Italian nuns

die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months
to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."
And ‘poof’ she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and ‘poof’ she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he ask
"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you're going straight to hell !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t1k9u/three_italian_nuns/
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What is the fine line between good taste and bad taste?

Perineum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t1j3v/what_is_the_fine_line_between_good_taste_and_bad/
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Why did the snail paint an “s” on his car?

So that when he drove down the street, his friends would say, “look at that s- car go!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t1d48/why_did_the_snail_paint_an_s_on_his_car/
%
I met a lovely, helpful person the other day

They were always asking about me, wanting to get to know me better. They seemed genuinely helpful and were there when i needed them most. They dedicated their time to me and didn't even ask for anything in return. I decided to take the plunge and kiss them!
Anyway, i need a new public defender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t1c2d/i_met_a_lovely_helpful_person_the_other_day/
%
Mountains aren't just funny

They are hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t171e/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
What do lawyers use as contraception?

Their personalities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t120d/what_do_lawyers_use_as_contraception/
%
Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house?

Because it leads to domestic violins.
(From my 9 year old...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0xzn/why_is_it_dangerous_to_have_more_than_one_violin/
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A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.
The Muslim is next. After witnessing what happened, he jumps and starts chanting "Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah." He lands at terminal velocity on the sidewalk, splattering everywhere. His family in tears, hugging each other, happy that he's in paradise now.
Lastly, we have the Christian. He opens his bible and recites a few verses, preparing for the jump. Then he jumps and starts chanting "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0toe/a_buddhist_a_muslim_and_a_christian_all_jump_off/
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What's the difference between Communism and Capitalism?

In Communism the government owns and runs and collects everything.
In Capitalism you own and run things and the government collects it for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0slq/whats_the_difference_between_communism_and/
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What is it called when a chameleon can't change its color?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0r8w/what_is_it_called_when_a_chameleon_cant_change/
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I broke up with my girlfriend after she had to have all of her toes amputated...

I told her before we started dating that I'm *lack-toes intolerant*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0qx7/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_after_she_had_to/
%
When you insult a deaf-mute murderer in sign language

...it's a deaf-sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0qr5/when_you_insult_a_deafmute_murderer_in_sign/
%
A man comes into a bar...

Or wait no a horse, a man comes into a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0pxk/a_man_comes_into_a_bar/
%
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0p7i/there_was_a_boy_who_worked_in_the_produce_section/
%
What has six legs, two arms and no teeth?

An old couple going doggy-style.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0mgc/what_has_six_legs_two_arms_and_no_teeth/
%
Ever had sex while camping?

It's fucking intents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0lw7/ever_had_sex_while_camping/
%
What do you call two tectonic plates having a fight?

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0klr/what_do_you_call_two_tectonic_plates_having_a/
%
What's rich and has no talent?

A celebrity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0j6y/whats_rich_and_has_no_talent/
%
Accordion to studies, its very easy to hide musical instruments in every day sentences.

I find that harp to belive though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0j71/accordion_to_studies_its_very_easy_to_hide/
%
I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the *job.*" the interviewer sighed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0fml/i_looked_her_square_in_the_eyes_and_said/
%
Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?

Because
OCT 31 == DEC 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0api/why_do_programmers_get_confused_between_halloween/
%
When I die I want to be buried in wet concrete

So that over time the plot thickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t0ac7/when_i_die_i_want_to_be_buried_in_wet_concrete/
%
Who are the fastest readers?

Apple users, they read 100 pages of changed terms of service in one second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t09w8/who_are_the_fastest_readers/
%
I like it when Netflix do Scifi shows.

I hope they continuum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t05cy/i_like_it_when_netflix_do_scifi_shows/
%
What makes Mewtwo throw up?

The Sound of Mew Sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t04s5/what_makes_mewtwo_throw_up/
%
I shot my first turkey today.

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food aisle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8t04d2/i_shot_my_first_turkey_today/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ah, who am I kidding feminists can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8szxsp/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today.

The counsellor asked us; "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8szwgi/me_and_my_flat_chested_wife_went_to_see_a/
%
Two old ladys meeting at the graveyard

.
As one of the old ladys starts to put on some makeup the other one asks:
'May I ask how old you are?'
'76'
'Why are you using makeup then?'
'May I ask how old YOU are?'
'I am 90 years old'
'Why are you even going home?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8szkgq/two_old_ladys_meeting_at_the_graveyard/
%
Britain: American English is stupid, you can't even spell colour right.

America: No u.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8szk8f/britain_american_english_is_stupid_you_cant_even/
%
my father, a massive liar, told me he'd been shot...

I said 'I can see right through you'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8szjo7/my_father_a_massive_liar_told_me_hed_been_shot/
%
The barman said to me, "Why are you looking so sad?"

I said, "Me and my wife had a massive argument and she said she won't talk to me for a month."
He said, "What's wrong with that?"
I said, "The fucking month's up tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8szi92/the_barman_said_to_me_why_are_you_looking_so_sad/
%
My favorite supermarket had a fantastic deal on a mirror...

... I could see myself buying it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8szhve/my_favorite_supermarket_had_a_fantastic_deal_on_a/
%
My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8szgul/my_wife_warned_me_not_to_steal_the_kitchen/
%
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sz9mp/whats_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_man_on/
%
What do you call a mobster that likes getting kicked in the balls?

A Soprano.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sz6d8/what_do_you_call_a_mobster_that_likes_getting/
%
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter 'F'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syzie/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
Trump should not have said "shit-hole countries".

The correct term is "turd-world countries".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syyg2/trump_should_not_have_said_shithole_countries/
%
Why will the congress never impeach Trump?

Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syy9a/why_will_the_congress_never_impeach_trump/
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syxl7/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A Nun has to take a cab

She gets into the cab and gives the driver the address she needs to go to.
About half way through the drive the cabbie looks at the Nun through the rearview mirror and says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to kiss a Nun.”
The Nun looks thoughtful for a moment before responding, “Are you Catholic?”
“Why yes I am” responds the cabbie
“Unmarried too I’d hope?”
“I sure am”
“Well then I don’t see any problem with it.”
So the cabbie pulls over the cab on the curb and they both get out. The nun gives the cabbie a quick peck on the lips and they both hop back into the cab like nothing happened and pull off.
About a minute before they reach the nuns destination the Cabbie looks into the rearview again, this time he has a guilty look on his face.
“I can’t keep this from you any longer Nun, it’s eating me up.”
“What is it my dear?”
“Well first off, I’m not actually catholic. I’m actually Jewish. And secondly I’m actually married with two kids.”
“Well that’s terrible that you’d lie to a Nun. But I appreciate the ride to the costume party, names John by the way.”
And with that, the Nun opened the cab door and got out leaving a stunned cabbie sitting at the wheel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syw9a/a_nun_has_to_take_a_cab/
%
A joke a coworker told me today: What do you get when you combine a cow, a duck, a piece of wood, and a rhino?

Cow the duck wood rhino?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syw5w/a_joke_a_coworker_told_me_today_what_do_you_get/
%
A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas eve

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f\*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syug9/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas_eve/
%
A Roman soldier walks into a bar

He holds up two fingers and says "five please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sytaq/a_roman_soldier_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?

A liar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syryk/what_do_you_call_a_teenage_boy_who_doesnt/
%
A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syrc7/a_daughter_asked_her_mother_mom_how_do_you_spell/
%
A woman drops her husband off at work...

A young couple barely has time to see each other any more, as the husband always leaves early in the morning to take the bus to work. One morning, the wife decides to drive the car and drop him off at work, to spend some time with him. Their conversation is light, and he mumbles a small "Thanks" as he gets out of the car. She tells him "You don't have to thank me, honey!"
"Force of habit." He replies. "I always thank the bus driver."
At work, he begins to realize that his job has been taking a toll on their relationship, as they haven't even had sex in over a month. He decides to reignite their spark when he gets home. He makes a stop after work to buy a dozen roses and a box of chocolates for his wife. They have a romantic dinner together and spend the night making passionate love with each other.
As they lay in bed, panting, she turns to her husband and thanks him.
"I love you, honey! You don't have to thank me!" He reassures her.
"Force of habit." She replies. "I always thank the bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syr43/a_woman_drops_her_husband_off_at_work/
%
Walking Dead joke

If a man in a wheelchair gets bit by a zombie, would he still be called a walker?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syqj7/walking_dead_joke/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syqdf/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
%
What's for dinner

Dad goes hunting and bags a deer. He cleans it and wife prepares it for dinner.
At dinner, she asks the kids to guess what the meat is. They go through a few animals before she offers a hint: "I sometimes call your dad this."
Emily spits otu her food. "JOEY don't eat that, it's an asshole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sypu8/whats_for_dinner/
%
I'm writing my book in fifth person.

Every sentence starts with: "I heard from this guy who told somebody.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syoj8/im_writing_my_book_in_fifth_person/
%
Someone stole the toilet from the police station.

The worst part is the police have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syniq/someone_stole_the_toilet_from_the_police_station/
%
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syj5c/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
%
Which dating apps do priests prefer to use?

Kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syj40/which_dating_apps_do_priests_prefer_to_use/
%
A man goes to a doctor

Doctor: It looks like you have cancer and Alzheimer’s
Man: Phew thank god I don’t have cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syiur/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor/
%
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store...

Does that make you an iWitness?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syiea/if_you_see_a_robbery_at_an_apple_store/
%
Indiana Jones: "I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments."

Rick from Pawn Stars: "Best I can do is 25 bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syibk/indiana_jones_i_present_the_ark_of_the_covenant/
%
I walked into a public restroom

and saw a guy staring into a filthy toilet with a quarter at the bottom. He stood there looking conflicted for a minute, then pulled a twenty dollar bill from his wallet and threw it into the toilet. Then he reached into the muck and pulled out the twenty dollar bill and the quarter.
I asked him, "Why on earth did you throw twenty dollars into that filthy toilet?"
He replied, "Well, there's no way I was going to stick my hand in there for a lousy quarter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8syg0z/i_walked_into_a_public_restroom/
%
Give a sober man a car and he will drive for an hour,

Give a drunk man a car and he will drive for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sydjd/give_a_sober_man_a_car_and_he_will_drive_for_an/
%
Canadian Hosers Declare War on the United States

Newfoundland, Canada declares war on the U.S.A.
President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Donald said, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Donald paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."
President Trump sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. "President Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!" said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Trump! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Donald. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
“Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sxwuu/canadian_hosers_declare_war_on_the_united_states/
%
If you have unprotected six

You might get eights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sxvq1/if_you_have_unprotected_six/
%
What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sxup8/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
%
My brother just came back from Vietnam. I asked him how was it, and he said the country is vulgar.

Everywhere was 'Phuc' this and 'Phuc' that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sxuha/my_brother_just_came_back_from_vietnam_i_asked/
%
Why did the Earth smell so bad after the meteor hit it?

Because afterwards the dinosaurs were all egg stink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sxs38/why_did_the_earth_smell_so_bad_after_the_meteor/
%
Yellow cars have the highest crash rate

According to a recent pole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sxl8q/yellow_cars_have_the_highest_crash_rate/
%
What city has many apples?

Many-apple-lis
(Minneapolis)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sxiu0/what_city_has_many_apples/
%
Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sxams/know_what_a_69_is/
%
What do women from Wakanda wear?

Black Panthies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sx6z2/what_do_women_from_wakanda_wear/
%
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sx6ms/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_hell_fly_for_a_day/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent. ^^ill ^^show ^^myself ^^out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sx3y0/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sx3t3/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
%
Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sx2rz/why_do_walruses_love_a_tupperware_party/
%
How do you know a mechanic had a good date?

He has two clean fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sx2fu/how_do_you_know_a_mechanic_had_a_good_date/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sx2bj/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
Why did the Irishman only eat 239 beans?

if he'd had one more it would have been too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8swz1n/why_did_the_irishman_only_eat_239_beans/
%
Man found dead in family home...

...having killed his wife and three children before taking his own life.
His obituary reads: "always put others before himself".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8swwun/man_found_dead_in_family_home/
%
Why are anteaters so healthy?

They are full of anty-bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8swt3p/why_are_anteaters_so_healthy/
%
My wife looked in the mirror one day and thought she was fat and ugly...

She asked me to give her a compliment to cheer her up, so I told her "well, you have perfect eyesight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8swqp6/my_wife_looked_in_the_mirror_one_day_and_thought/
%
Have you ever gotten that urge to eat something just because it’s there?

Well anyways, I lost my job at the Gynecologist today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8swnxp/have_you_ever_gotten_that_urge_to_eat_something/
%
If the KKK was meeting for lunch where would they go?

Cracker Barrel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8swly0/if_the_kkk_was_meeting_for_lunch_where_would_they/
%
"Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8swkud/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts_anonymous/
%
I saw this poor old man laying unconscious in his car earlier today.

Well, I’m assuming he was poor, he only had $3 in his wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8swi9a/i_saw_this_poor_old_man_laying_unconscious_in_his/
%
A man and a woman are getting ready for a party...

Woman: Does this dress make me look fat?
Man: Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?
Woman: Yes, I promise.
Man: I fucked your sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8swfh1/a_man_and_a_woman_are_getting_ready_for_a_party/
%
You know what the best thing about being a narcissist is?

Me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8swdtj/you_know_what_the_best_thing_about_being_a/
%
How does the medicine in a suppository get absorbed into the body?

Assmosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8swauy/how_does_the_medicine_in_a_suppository_get/
%
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning

She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sw93c/i_told_my_niece_that_i_saw_a_moose_on_the_way_to/
%
I came into some money today...

They won't let me in that bank again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sw73b/i_came_into_some_money_today/
%
"Dad, can you do my math homework for me?" "No son, it wouldn't be right."

"Well, at least you could try."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sw4xq/dad_can_you_do_my_math_homework_for_me_no_son_it/
%
To earn extra money, I started a home-based business building small boats in my attic ...

Business was really slow until I switched to larger vessels, and now sails are through the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sw4mm/to_earn_extra_money_i_started_a_homebased/
%
What’s a bad icebreaker?

The Titanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sw32n/whats_a_bad_icebreaker/
%
Free beer

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "Free".
The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bartender replies "Free".
The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8svywa/free_beer/
%
What did the mayor say when he found out the river is flooding?

Dam it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8svtol/what_did_the_mayor_say_when_he_found_out_the/
%
Did you hear about the pirate who couldn't go to the bathroom?

He was irate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8svt3e/did_you_hear_about_the_pirate_who_couldnt_go_to/
%
What book club has been stuck on the same book for some time?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8svoct/what_book_club_has_been_stuck_on_the_same_book/
%
Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking!

Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8svg58/me_youve_gotta_let_me_see_a_doctor_im_shrinking/
%
Three boys were sitting around, talking about stuff they wanted.

The first boy said, "man, I really want a gaming system.  I would love to be able to sit around and play video games all the time."
The second boy said, "That would be great, but I want a new bike.  I could get to anywhere in town if I had a new bike."
The third boy said, "I really want some tampons."
The other two boys looked at each other, shrugged and asked the third boy, "what's a tampon?"
The third boy said, "I don't know, but I saw a commercial for them the other day, and it said if you have tampons you can go swimming, go horseback riding...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8svdth/three_boys_were_sitting_around_talking_about/
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A man dies, and wakes up on a beach...

There is nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy.
Suddenly, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says.
The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole.
The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What's that about?"
"Oh," Satan says, "that's for the Christians, they want it that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8svby8/a_man_dies_and_wakes_up_on_a_beach/
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You know what the best part of being in the middle of Texas is?

Any direction you go, you're leaving Texas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sv9jt/you_know_what_the_best_part_of_being_in_the/
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Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet

The view was breathtaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sv8n8/overcome_with_the_beauty_of_the_earth_from_space/
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This culture of inclusiveness is getting out of hand

I mean, even Jurassic Park engineered a Trannysaurus Rex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sv4zn/this_culture_of_inclusiveness_is_getting_out_of/
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I keep seeing this guy on a bike trying to sell his donkey.

He peddles his ass all over town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sv4i9/i_keep_seeing_this_guy_on_a_bike_trying_to_sell/
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Why do women have sharper nails?

Because they're trying to make a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sv3va/why_do_women_have_sharper_nails/
%
Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To avoid being confused with feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sv3pi/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
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I heard the Argentina team has erectile dysfunction

because they never finish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sv1xb/i_heard_the_argentina_team_has_erectile/
%
I don’t put orange in my beer very often

Except maybe once in a Blue Moon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sv0iv/i_dont_put_orange_in_my_beer_very_often/
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9/10 Asians have cataracts

The 10th one has a Mercedes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8suy6s/910_asians_have_cataracts/
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If someone is vegan and does CrossFit, which do they tell you about first?

Vaping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8suwel/if_someone_is_vegan_and_does_crossfit_which_do/
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Never anthropomorphize inanimate objects.

They hate it when you do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sut15/never_anthropomorphize_inanimate_objects/
%
Being Trans is ok

As long as you're not fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8supvy/being_trans_is_ok/
%
A doctor goes to write a prescription, and pulls a thermometer out of his shirt pocket

"Great, some asshole's got my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sup2p/a_doctor_goes_to_write_a_prescription_and_pulls_a/
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I remember the days when I had really weak ejaculations

I've come so far since then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8suomm/i_remember_the_days_when_i_had_really_weak/
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The newest form of birth control is putting a rock in one shoe...

...It makes you limp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sujuv/the_newest_form_of_birth_control_is_putting_a/
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What do unicorns call horses?

Acorns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sujok/what_do_unicorns_call_horses/
%
Did you guys hear about the half a mermaid that washed up on shore?

It's only a tale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8suizh/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_half_a_mermaid_that/
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Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day

Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8suijt/build_a_man_a_fire_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
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Wife: Honey, the car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor.

Husband: You don't even know what a carburetor is. Alright, where's the car?
Wife: In the lake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8suiew/wife_honey_the_car_wont_start_i_think_theres/
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I went to the boomerang store the other day

They had a great return policy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sucvs/i_went_to_the_boomerang_store_the_other_day/
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I took my pet snail to get his car painted..

We drive over to the painters garage and he asks:
“hey, what color would you like you car”?
Snail says back to him:
“I would a black car with a green S on top”
Painter exclaims:
“Oh that’s cool, S for snail”
Snail lashes back:
No, not S for snail, that way when people see me drive by they say “hey look at that escargot”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8su6ac/i_took_my_pet_snail_to_get_his_car_painted/
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A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please"

The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8styje/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_requests_hello_id/
%
Dogs are the best wingmen

They get girls on their knees in seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8stxqr/dogs_are_the_best_wingmen/
%
No good deed goes unpunished

Like the other day when I gave up my seat to this old, frail lady, only to lose my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8stsla/no_good_deed_goes_unpunished/
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Couldnt find it

I couldn't find the thingy you use to peel the  carrots and potatoes anywhere, so I asked the kids if they had seen it.
Apparently she left me yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8stmlv/couldnt_find_it/
%
I tried to play frisbee with my dog this morning.

It didn't work. Need a flatter dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8stmff/i_tried_to_play_frisbee_with_my_dog_this_morning/
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A Jewish man walks in to a bar

and sits down to have a drink. After a few drinks a Chinese man came in and sat next to him. The Jewish man immediately turned and punched the other man in the face.
The Chinese man shouted, "You fool! What was that for?" The Jewish man replied, "That's for Pearl Harbor." Chinese man said, "You idiot, I am Chinese not Japanese!" Jewish man replied, "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"
The Chinese man proceeded to punch the Jewish man in the face.
The Jewish man clutched his jaw and said angrily, "Owww, why did you do that?!" The Chinese man replied, "That's for the Titanic." Jewish man said, "But an iceberg caused it to sink, not me!"
The Chinese man smiled and said, "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8stm8q/a_jewish_man_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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It's a shame the immigrants and their kids at the U.S. border aren't named Church and State

then the GOP would never separate them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8stens/its_a_shame_the_immigrants_and_their_kids_at_the/
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My wife told me to stop stealing kitchen utensils.

I ignored her.  It's a whisk I'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ste0b/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_stealing_kitchen_utensils/
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The Front page of Reddit is being really depressing lately...

Then I realized I was actually on /r/worldnews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8stdjo/the_front_page_of_reddit_is_being_really/
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A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph

,looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 155. Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up to him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The forlorn man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied. "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, "Have a good day, Sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8stc7t/a_pensioner_drove_his_brand_new_mercedes_to_100/
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As a good luck charm my baseball team eats taco bell before every game.

To help us get more runs than our opponent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8stbz1/as_a_good_luck_charm_my_baseball_team_eats_taco/
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I did a mistake on an elevator...

I was wrong on many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sta10/i_did_a_mistake_on_an_elevator/
%
Jokes about school shootings aren't funny. Seriously, my brother died in one. I even remember his last words.

"You'll never take me alive, pigs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8st7s0/jokes_about_school_shootings_arent_funny/
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Whoever wrote the Bible should've come up with two more divine entities

So instead of calling it the "Holy Trinity" it would be the "Repentagon".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8st6ux/whoever_wrote_the_bible_shouldve_come_up_with_two/
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Why can't Communists be programmers?

Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8st6i8/why_cant_communists_be_programmers/
%
XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, XXX is still beating women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8st3y9/xxxtentacion_just_beat_taylor_swifts_spotify/
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What does Loki call Thor?

Brothor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8st15i/what_does_loki_call_thor/
%
We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.

They're driving wrecklessly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8st14f/we_should_raise_insurance_rates_on_drivers_who/
%
3 men were sentenced to death by firing.

The day of the execution came, and the firing squad leads the men to the execution grounds.
&nbsp;
Now, this firing squad was rather well-known to be the most gullible group around, and it’s due to this knowledge that the first man started to hatch a cunning plan to escape.
&nbsp;
The execution begins: the first man kneels on the ground with his hands behind his head. The firing squad commander cleared his throat, and in a loud clear voice shouted,
“Ready! Aim!”
The first man then screams, “EARTHQUAKE!”
&nbsp;
The firing squad panicked and scrambled for cover. By the time they realised there was no earthquake, the first man was gone. Nothing they can do now, they move on to the second man.
&nbsp;
The second man kneels on the ground with his hands behind his head. He saw what the first man did, and therefore, saw his ticket to freedom. The firing squad commander cleared his throat, and in a loud clear voice shouted,
“Ready! Aim!”
The second man then exclaims, “HURRICANE!”
&nbsp;
The firing squad panicked and scrambled for cover. By the time they realised there was no hurricane, the second man was gone. Nothing they can do now, they move on to the last man.
&nbsp;
The third man kneels on the ground with his hands behind his head. He was not so bright, but the two demonstrations earlier had an easy template to follow. The firing squad commander cleared his throat, and in a loud clear voice shouted,
“Ready! Aim!”
“FIRE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ssx23/3_men_were_sentenced_to_death_by_firing/
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An octopus walks into a bar [NSFW]

An octopus walks into a bar and the bartender immediately turns to him and says “Hey buddy, we don’t serve your kind here! You have to leave!” The octopus, feeling disrespected, retorts. “Well why not? I can do anything any of you can do!”
The bartender looks at him, discontent. “Really? Well can you play an instrument?” “Well sure! Anything you can throw at me!” “Really? Then go over and play us a song on the piano.” The octopus walks over to the piano on the wall, lifts the hood and plays a perfect rendition of Chopin’s Nocturne. The bartender is furious.
“Clearly I made that too easy! That’s no fair! Here.” The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a clarinet. “Let’s see what you can do with this thing.” The octopus pensively takes it, toying with it momentarily. Once he gets a feel for the sound, he whips out a simple, but passable, song. Again, the bartender is frustrated.
“Well, anyone can play the clarinet!” the bartender exclaims. He huffs off to the back office and comes back holding a bagpipe. He hands it to the octopus. “Here! Let’s see what you can do with this!”
The octopus takes the bagpipe and begins inspecting it carefully, toying with it, inspecting every stitch and seam. After a few minutes of this the bartender gets confused. “Well, aren’t you going to play it?”
The octopus turns to the bartender. “Play it? Once I figure out how to get this sweater off of it I’m gonna fuck it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ssv7h/an_octopus_walks_into_a_bar_nsfw/
%
Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because its white and settles on their land

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ssucc/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
%
A man walks into a buffet...

He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a tissue and raises it up, and his French friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ssrlk/a_man_walks_into_a_buffet/
%
Why do people get tattoos in prison?

Because they like to vandalize government property.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ssl6x/why_do_people_get_tattoos_in_prison/
%
What do you call it when a boxer gives Dracula a BJ?

Going down for the count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sskbv/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_boxer_gives_dracula_a/
%
A group of chronic masturbators have recently started an organization to protect women from domestic violence.

Their slogan is "We only beat ourselves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ssguc/a_group_of_chronic_masturbators_have_recently/
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I decided to start growing a beard. I look really ugly.

Also I have a beard now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ssflp/i_decided_to_start_growing_a_beard_i_look_really/
%
"Doctor, I've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident".

Doctor: "Did you fall off your board?"
Me:  "No, I had to slam my laptop shut because the wife walked in!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ssfb4/doctor_ive_badly_bruised_my_penis_in_a_surfing/
%
A joke for robots.

10010102

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sser8/a_joke_for_robots/
%
A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, “Hey boss, what’s the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?”

I’m not coming in tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sseo0/a_guy_looking_to_get_fired_calls_his_boss_and/
%
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ssbxz/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
%
What state would expect to see a priest pray, sneeze and sit down

Massachusetts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ss4rr/what_state_would_expect_to_see_a_priest_pray/
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Siblings

(noun) : people you either plan to murder or plan a murder with. There's no middle ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ss4hw/siblings/
%
What do you call a group of cows masturbating?

Beef stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ss3yz/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_cows_masturbating/
%
Why is the Dalai Lama suffering from a gambling addiction?

Because he loves Tibet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ss15n/why_is_the_dalai_lama_suffering_from_a_gambling/
%
I was going to post a time traveling joke.

But you guys didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8srwm2/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_traveling_joke/
%
What is the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8srr76/what_is_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
Where do people from Prague deposit their money?

Into their Czeching account

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8srqv3/where_do_people_from_prague_deposit_their_money/
%
My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8srjcd/my_sexual_desires_have_been_getting_out_of_control/
%
I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

In the morning, she told me she had a confession.
"Thats the first time I've done that" she said.
"Sex?" I replied.
"Yeah, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex with a man."
"That's fine, I don't mind" I said.
She looked at me, with an excited look in her face and said.
"Good because I much prefer being Christina."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8srhiv/i_met_a_beautiful_lady_last_night_took_her_back/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8srhc5/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food but no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8srgu2/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
What do you call an Italian hooker

A pasta-tute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8srfai/what_do_you_call_an_italian_hooker/
%
The great thing about narcissism

is that it makes you smarter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8srf3o/the_great_thing_about_narcissism/
%
If I don’t perfect human cloning

I don’t think I could live with myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sred2/if_i_dont_perfect_human_cloning/
%
My wife packed up my bags

and told me to get the hell out and never come back.
As I was walking to my car, she yelled at me from the door,
"I hope you die a slow and horrible death, you moron!"
"Wow," I said, "so you’re saying I should return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8srcw6/my_wife_packed_up_my_bags/
%
I've just finished the script for a film I titled "American Schools"

Shooting starts soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8srac8/ive_just_finished_the_script_for_a_film_i_titled/
%
Lost my phone in the vegetable aisle

If anyone finds it Lettuce know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sr95r/lost_my_phone_in_the_vegetable_aisle/
%
Three guys in a desert

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.
The genie grants each of them one wish.
The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.
The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.
The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sr6g7/three_guys_in_a_desert/
%
Two Men in New York were standing around and taking a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, and didn't even have the shelves set up.
One commented to the other,
"I bet any minute now some guy is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"Vat ya sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling assholes."
Without skipping a beat, the old Indian man answered,
"Must be doing well, only two left !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sr59d/two_men_in_new_york_were_standing_around_and/
%
A woman walks into a supermarket

She grabs a zucchini and two limes and goes to pay for them. As the cashier is ringing up her items he comments to her;
"I can tell you're single"
The woman giggles and asks coyly
"Oh what gave that away"
The cashier replies
"Because you're fat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sr514/a_woman_walks_into_a_supermarket/
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What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sr50k/what_does_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a dirty martini.

Bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sr4ty/charles_dickens_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a/
%
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear.  The other one’s a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sr2qp/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
%
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sqz5n/my_son_was_just_born_and_another_dad_at_the/
%
What's the difference between a tie and a cow tail?

The cow tail covers up the whole asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sqvyg/whats_the_difference_between_a_tie_and_a_cow_tail/
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A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?

Schizophrenia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sqtps/a_blue_man_gives_you_a_pineapple_a_man_with_a/
%
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sqtih/during_my_checkup_i_asked_the_doctor_do_you_think/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sqtfb/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
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Dr. Goldberg

was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall. He was most embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just long enough to deliver his paper.
He ignored the thunderous applause and raced out the stage door, never to return to his home town again, until many years later, when his elderly mother was ill and he returned to visit her.
He reserved a hotel room under the name of Smith and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Smith?"
Dr. Goldberg replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Haven't you visited since?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return.”
Trying his best to console him, the desk clerk replied "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too.”
Dr. Goldberg replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident.”
The clerk asked, "Was it a long time ago?"
Dr. Goldberg replied, "Yes, many years.”
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Goldberg Fart?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sqqvs/dr_goldberg/
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I saw two kids fighting on an elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

They didn’t stand a chance...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sqpxj/i_saw_two_kids_fighting_on_an_elementary_school/
%
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do

Apparently "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sqn3p/my_girlfriends_dad_asked_me_what_i_do/
%
9/11 jokes aren't funny.

The remaining two are reposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sqiqm/911_jokes_arent_funny/
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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding down the road,the police officer pulls out, sirens blazing. The man pulls over as soon as he notices.
The police officer walks up to the car and asks, "Sir, do you know how fast I just clocked you at?"
The man replied, "Probably too fast, officer. I'm sorry, I'm really late for work and I had an important client coming in for an appointment.."
The officer cuts him off, saying, "What is it exactly you do that warrants that kind of rush?"
The man replied, "Well sir, I'm an asshole stretcher."
"A what??"
"An asshole stretcher. People pay for my services in doing exactly that. Today we were going to go through the steps of my client's upcoming procedure."
"Why would he need that explained, though?"
"Well, it's a fairly long, strenuous, and complicated process, requiring thousands of dollars of expensive equipment and the knowledge of how to use all of it. This particular client was going to be my most challenging procedure yet, as he wanted me to stretch his asshole to around six feet!"
The officer seemed rather perplexed at this point. After a long, awkward silence, he asks, "But what the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
The man replied, "You give them radar guns and put them under bridges."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sqd7o/so_a_man_wakes_up_one_morning_wildly_late_for_work/
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I've been married three times. The second marrige was very turbulent and ended in total chaos.

It was a bad case of mid-wife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sqcfc/ive_been_married_three_times_the_second_marrige/
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Do you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. I'm German and my engineering is perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sq97n/do_you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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Why are wheelchair users fans of Liverpool FC?

Because they’ll never walk alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sq5pq/why_are_wheelchair_users_fans_of_liverpool_fc/
%
I was just on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sq4xy/i_was_just_on_a_diabetes_awareness_website_and_it/
%
Saudi Arabia’s gay pride anthem

“We will! We will! Rock you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8spzbh/saudi_arabias_gay_pride_anthem/
%
A woman walks into a hotel and asks for a room. She pays the 100$ and goes upstairs.

The hotel manager quickly grabs the 100$ and run next door, where he pay the local prostitute the 100$ he owes her.
The local prostitute quickly runs to the baker and pays him the 100$ she owes him for not paying last days bread.
The baker, who still hadn't paid for the birthday pork from earlier this week, runs to the butcher and pays him the 100$.
The butcher hadn't paid for his stay at the hotel, so he runs to the hotel and pays the manager.
Then the woman arrives after checking the room and says she's not satisfied, and that she would like her money back.
The manager apologises and hands her the 100$ back.
And that's how you solve an economical crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8spypx/a_woman_walks_into_a_hotel_and_asks_for_a_room/
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A man goes to a fortune teller

The fortune teller: " I foresee 8 years of bad luck "
Guy: " Ouuuf! and after that? things get better? "
The fortune teller: " No, you just get used to it "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8spweb/a_man_goes_to_a_fortune_teller/
%
Some people don't think Justin is the prime minister of Canada.

It's Trudeau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8spttr/some_people_dont_think_justin_is_the_prime/
%
Maybe Space Force is part of Trump’s plan to find...

Universal healthcare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8spr5n/maybe_space_force_is_part_of_trumps_plan_to_find/
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What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8spi3f/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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With all the politically correct agenda these days, you can’t even say Black Paint!

You have to say, “ Leroy, please paint my fence!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sphvv/with_all_the_politically_correct_agenda_these/
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Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8spg88/isnt_it_annoying_when_engineering_students_call/
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Pls don’t make me woosh

I bought a dictionary but when I got home and opened it the pages were all blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am 😡

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8spdri/pls_dont_make_me_woosh/
%
Where do parents send their ADHD children during the summer?

Concentration camps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8spbfv/where_do_parents_send_their_adhd_children_during/
%
Saudi Arabia lost to Uruguay yesterday

They beheading home soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sp1ol/saudi_arabia_lost_to_uruguay_yesterday/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sozxp/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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A teacher was in class...

And she decided to teach the alphabet. She would call out a letter and then ask the students to name something that began with the same letter. Well little Timmy had a potty mouth so she would be sure not to call on him.
So she began with A. “Can anyone tell me what begins with the letter A?”
Sure enough Timmy is the first one with his hand raised. She decided to call on another student.
“Sarah?”
“Apple!”
“Great! How about the letter B?”
Again Timmy fires his hand up ready to answer.
“Paul?”
“Banana!”
“Very good!”
She continues on to the letter R. Again Timmy’s hand is the first one raised. She thinks to herself surely he can’t have anything bad for R. And decides to call on him.
“Timmy?”
“Yes finally! How about Rat...But with a dick this big!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8soxbs/a_teacher_was_in_class/
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Archaeologists say that Roman cement was stronger than it is in modern times...

I need to see some concrete evidence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sowya/archaeologists_say_that_roman_cement_was_stronger/
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My mom told me I had to stop being a flamingo

So I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sovzk/my_mom_told_me_i_had_to_stop_being_a_flamingo/
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I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' dvd.

It was here a minute ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sotem/i_cant_find_my_gone_in_60_seconds_dvd/
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So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means?

It's not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8soq7u/so_what_if_i_dont_know_what_armageddon_means/
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How do you drown a hipster?

Throw them in the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8somza/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
Why did Einstein married his cousin?

Because it was all relative!
PS: Inspired from a comment on TIL about Emma Noether!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sol9o/why_did_einstein_married_his_cousin/
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The doctor said I had six months to live

So I killed my neighbour. The judge gave me twenty years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8soi2o/the_doctor_said_i_had_six_months_to_live/
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Yesterday, I saw two fetus's kissing each other in a corner.

I said to them " you two, go get a womb."
Credit goes to a friend of mine for this dad joke lol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sohj2/yesterday_i_saw_two_fetuss_kissing_each_other_in/
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I entered ten puns in a pun contest to see which one would win.

No puns in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sobwb/i_entered_ten_puns_in_a_pun_contest_to_see_which/
%
Why are corporations and mosques so similar?

They both only care about the prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sobp0/why_are_corporations_and_mosques_so_similar/
%
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?

Cuatro sinko.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8so9ud/what_do_you_call_four_mexicans_in_quicksand/
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This was deemed "pretty bad" by my friends...

I'm not really good at writing stories so bear with me.
Simon, a high school student, passed his sophomore year with a 100% in Algebra 2. Thinking he was the most outstanding student ever, he went to his counselor to ask if he can skip directly to Calculus AB.
"Calculus is a very rigorous subject," the counselor advised, "You need to take Precalculus first."
"Well I heard Precalculus is mostly review from Algebra 2," Simon reasoned, "I believe I can handle the difficulties at my skill level."
The counselor saw that Simon was adamant and would not take no for an answer, so he complied with a sigh.
When the school year started, Simon went to class thinking he must be the youngest student there, and he was pretty smug about it. All went well until the second week, things started to fall apart...
The teacher, Mr. Wong (yes ik that sounds like Mr. Kuang) started going into derivatives. Simon realized that he was struggling to understand the lessons! However his pride made him keep everything to himself. Simon thought eventually things will move on.
By the chapter test, Simon was panicking. The test is worth 15% of his grade, yet he doesn't understand a single concept!
As you probably guessed, Simon got a 17% on the test.
Crying, he went back to his counselor and begged to be moved back to Precalculus.
His counselor shook his head and sighed, "You should have known your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8so9k9/this_was_deemed_pretty_bad_by_my_friends/
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What disappears when you say its name?

My biological father...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8so8bs/what_disappears_when_you_say_its_name/
%
What did Gary Numan want to be when he grew up?

Gary Oldman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8so7wd/what_did_gary_numan_want_to_be_when_he_grew_up/
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Recent studies show that chimps raised in captivity are more likely to reproduce if they are shown videos of other chimps mating in the wild.

monkey see monkey do monkey, monkey do monkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8so4wr/recent_studies_show_that_chimps_raised_in/
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Three guys crash on a desert island...

Three guys crash on a desert island and are captured by the locals. They are brought to the kind and given a challenge.
“You must go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit and return. I will give you the second challenge then.”
They go out and after about an hour, the first guy comes back with coconuts.
“Good. You must now shove all 10 coconuts up your butt without making a sound. If you do, you’ll be killed on the spot. If you succeed, you’ll be set free.”
He takes a deep breath and gets to 3 before screaming out in pain. Sure enough, he’s killed on the spot.
The second guy comes back with blueberries and is given he same challenge. “No problem.”
He gets going. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. When he hears a sound and turns around and busts out in laughter. Sure enough, he’s killed on the spot.
The two meet in heaven and the first guy asks the second guy, “You were so close! Why did you laugh?”
“I couldn’t help it! I turned around and the third guy brought pineapples.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8so2oz/three_guys_crash_on_a_desert_island/
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Some numbers are having a party

There's 3, 4, and 5 playing pin the tail on the donkey.  8, 9, and 0 are chasing a ball around.  Everyone is laughing and having a great time.
Except for little 2.  Alone he sits in the corner quietly watching everyone play.  After some time he says, too quietly for anybody to hear, "would anyone like to play?". But no one hears him.   All the numbers keep carrying on and having fun.  Quietly he says again, "would anyone like to play?". But again, no one hears him.
Later on he says to his mum, "mum why can't I play with the other numbers?". And his mother just looks at him and shakes her head.  "Because, son, you're not a loud two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8so23a/some_numbers_are_having_a_party/
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3 Aussies are backpacking across NZ

As they're travelling they come across a kiwi fucking a sheep, so they yell out " oi mate, where we come from we normally shear them".
The kiwi shouts back "I'm not shearing this with no-one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8so1uu/3_aussies_are_backpacking_across_nz/
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My Homing Pigeon is turning out to be very popular on Ebay

I've sold it 16 times already!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8snzya/my_homing_pigeon_is_turning_out_to_be_very/
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When your fly is unzipped, I’ve realized why people say, “your barn door is open”.

It’s because your cock might escape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8snuha/when_your_fly_is_unzipped_ive_realized_why_people/
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What happens when reddit hits the gym a lot?

Shreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8snuga/what_happens_when_reddit_hits_the_gym_a_lot/
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What do you call it when a story mentions terrible roads but never says why?

Plotholes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8snub1/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_story_mentions/
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What does it look like when you beat someone over the head with a keyboard?

,rr,lrwARFGZL,EFWAbn hbjgffsddvsasfdsfddfggfgghhghjmhjhggfgvd cxekhs5gthvce78iu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8snt0g/what_does_it_look_like_when_you_beat_someone_over/
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What do you call a teacher with just one pupil?

A cyclops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8snou6/what_do_you_call_a_teacher_with_just_one_pupil/
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What's the politically correct way to introduce your midget buddy?

Say hello to my little friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8snngo/whats_the_politically_correct_way_to_introduce/
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Multi syllable words

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable. Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words? After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day Does anyone know another word. I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. Ok Mike, what is your word. Saturday. says, Mike. Great, that has three syllables. Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says " I know a four syllable word, pick me....." Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K.  Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful" No Maam, your thinking of blow job, and that's only two syllables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8snnac/multi_syllable_words/
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What did the oak tree say to the math professor?

Geometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8snjp1/what_did_the_oak_tree_say_to_the_math_professor/
%
The bartender says "We don't serve faster than light particles in here."

A tacheon walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8snj97/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_faster_than/
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Little johnny is asked to use the word contagious in a sentence.

My dad was watching my mom cut the grass out the front window.
He was yelling, at the rate she's cutting the grass, It's going to take that contagious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sni3c/little_johnny_is_asked_to_use_the_word_contagious/
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[OC] My friends and I are starting a disco group. We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.

We call ourselves... The Pillage People.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8snhlw/oc_my_friends_and_i_are_starting_a_disco_group/
%
I just passed that science test...

1: Hey Derp, I passed that science test!
2: Really? Well I have to say...
2: reveals an egg That's EGG-cellent news!
1: Umm, why do you have an egg?
2: I carry around props with me for the sake of the puns.
2: reveals a fan You might say it's pretty FAN-tastic
1: How many of those do you have?
2: reveals a truck I got a whole TRUCK load of 'em.
2: reveals a banana You might think it's BANANAS
2: reveals an acorn Or maybe even a little NUTS
2: reveals a plane But as you can PLANE-ly see
2: reveals a grape I'm having a GRAPE time
2: reveals a bone Don't you think this is HUMERUS?
1: Kind of...but where the hell do you keep all that?
2: Well let's just say that carrying it all...
2: zooms in on creepily excited face ....is a real pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8snhgq/i_just_passed_that_science_test/
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What is the best adjective to describe somebody who incessantly makes puns?

PUN-gent!
^^^I'm ^^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sng6z/what_is_the_best_adjective_to_describe_somebody/
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Donald Trump has a problem.

He's had a long life of being a rich playboy, womanizer, having lots of sex.  Recently, however, no matter what he does, he can't have an orgasm.  He's tried sexy outfits for Melania, Viagra, porn, porn *stars,* Japanese massage parlors, fleshlights, pills from the internet, you name it -- but nothing seems to be working.
He says to himself, "this is bullshit, i'm the most powerful man in the world, i've got to get this fixed," so he calls around to his rich friends and gets the number of this urologist doctor in Europe, innovator, #1 doctor in the world. He makes an appointment and flies to Switzerland.
He gets called back to the doctor's plush exam office, and the doctor says, "wow, Mr. Trump, what an honor, I've never worked on a celebrity or a president before. What seems to be the issue?"
Trump says "Well doc, it's the strangest thing, I've always had a great sex life, with my wives or otherwise, but just recently no matter what I do I can't have an orgasm. I've tried all kinds of techniques and medicines but nothing works."
The doctor says "OK Donald, go ahead and get undressed and get up on the exam table and we'll have a look at you." So Trump takes off all his clothes and gets up on the table.
Doctor says "OK Donald, first thing I want you to do is get down on your hands and knees and crawl into that corner of the room over there."
Trump thinks "what? how on earth can this help . . . " but he thinks "hey, this guy is the best in the business, i'll just go with it. "
So, naked, he crawls over into the corner of the room.
Doctor looks him over, takes a couple notes, and says "Ok, Donald, now please crawl over there into that corner." Trump crawls over there. Doctor looks him over, takes a couple notes, and taps his pencil against his chin thoughtfully.
Doctor says "Mmmm hmmm . . . OK now, Mr. Trump, would you now please crawl over there to that wall, underneath that window?
And now at this point, Trump is fed up. He says, "Doctor, I have to know, how is this helping with my problem?"
Doctor says
"Oh, it's not.  I'm just buying a big orange leather couch next week, and I wanted to see what side of the room it'd look best on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sneou/donald_trump_has_a_problem/
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If there are 1000 bricks on a plane and one falls off, how many are on the plane?

999
How many steps does it take to put a alligator in a fridge?
3 steps:
1. Open fridge door
2. Put alligator in fridge
3. Close fridge door
How many steps does it take to put a giraffe in a fridge?
4 steps:
1. Open fridge door
2. Take alligator out of fridge
3. Put giraffe in fridge
4. Close fridge door
The Lion King is having a birthday party. The giraffe doesn’t come. Why?
He’s still stuck in the fridge
Sally is trying to cross an alligator-infested river, yet she managed to cross it unscathed. How?
All the alligators were still at the Lion King’s birthday party
Sally died anyway. Why?
A brick fell on her head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sneag/if_there_are_1000_bricks_on_a_plane_and_one_falls/
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I tried paper straws for the first time

They suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8snchg/i_tried_paper_straws_for_the_first_time/
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A duck orders a condom, at a hotel...

The man at the front desk asks, "Would you like me to put this on your bill, sir?"
The duck replies, "No, what sort of pervert do you think I am?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8snadj/a_duck_orders_a_condom_at_a_hotel/
%
Why do natives hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sn97n/why_do_natives_hate_snow/
%
An 800 pound gorilla walks into a bar...

he sits down and the bartender looks at him nervously and says, "What'll it be?"
The gorilla says, "I'll have a Manhattan."
The bartender makes him a Manhattan, hands it to him, says "That'll be 14 bucks," and watches him take a drink. He stares nervously for a minute then says to the gorilla, "Sorry to stare, but you know...it's just not something you see every day."
The gorilla takes another drink and replies, "I agree. $14 is a bit much for a Manhattan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sn93q/an_800_pound_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never come for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sn8xs/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
Did you hear about the honest, trustworthy politician that recently had his constituents best interests in mind?

Me neither.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sn8m2/did_you_hear_about_the_honest_trustworthy/
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What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sn8id/what_do_you_call_a_virgin_lying_on_a_waterbed/
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I think retirement can lead to senility.

Because after my Grandpa quit working at the Federal Mint, he just stopped making cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sn8g8/i_think_retirement_can_lead_to_senility/
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Trump has become the ruler of the whole world, and it's his birthday.

He demands that the ambassador of every country bring him something famous from their homeland to please him on such a glorious day.
First comes the ambassador of Germany. Along with him, he's brought the keys to a new concept car built by both BMW and Mercedes. It's the only one in production, and it's plated with gold. Trump nods his head in approval, and the German ambassador is allowed to leave.
Next comes the ambassador of Argentina. He brings with his the most juiciest beef stakes his country has every produced (with a side of ketchup). Trump takes a bite, nods in approval, and the ambassador is allowed to leave.
Third comes the ambassador of Italy. He brings with him the rarest and most expensive kind of grapes his country can produce, meant to make the best wine in the world. Trump, neither a fan of alcohol or healthy eating, is visibly upset and orders his guards to bend over the ambassador and shove the grapes up his butt.
Following him is the ambassador of India. He has the finest mango his country has every produced. Same fate follows him - bent over, mango shoved up his butt.
Outside the courtyard, the two ambassadors and standing next to each other, bent over and in pain. Suddenly, the Indian ambassador starts chuckling. Confused, the Italian ambassador asks what the hell is so funny? The Indian ambassador says - "the Pakistani ambassador was behind up. He brought the biggest watermelon the world has ever seen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sn7wz/trump_has_become_the_ruler_of_the_whole_world_and/
%
The swordfish has only one predator to worry about.

The penfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sn5gp/the_swordfish_has_only_one_predator_to_worry_about/
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How are Cinnabons and masturbation the same

You don’t want to be seen doing it in public, it is just as messy, cleanup is the same, and both have a feeling of guilt afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sn4w5/how_are_cinnabons_and_masturbation_the_same/
%
Why did the console gamer cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sn4f4/why_did_the_console_gamer_cross_the_road/
%
When Amy Schumer was a kid, people laughed when they heard she wanted to be a comedian.

No one's laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sn37y/when_amy_schumer_was_a_kid_people_laughed_when/
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My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sn2pt/my_father_was_an_allied_war_hero_he/
%
Two women sit on a porch in plantation times:

One is the daughter of a rich plantation owner and the other is the daughter of an average middle class southerner. The rich daughter loves to brag so naturally she looks over at the middle class daughter and says "My daddy just got me this pretty dress, see all these intricate frills?" the middle class daughter looks at the dress and says, "Well that's nice." in a cordial tone.
The rich daughter begins to get annoyed that she isn't impressed like most other girls in the town so she continues. "The other day my daddy also got me a $500 stallion mare straight in from texas!" The middle class daughter, still unphased looks at her with a warm smile and says "Well that's nice." The rich daughter is furious by this point, and she decides one more time to try to impress her.
"Well my daddy also got me a whole set of gold and ruby jewelery just to see me happy!" Again the middle class daughter just says "Well that's nice."
Not being able to stand it anymore and guessing the middle class daughter must have something better, she asks "Well what did your daddy get you?!"
With a warm and inviting smile the middle class daughter looks directly into the rich girl's eyes and says "my daddy sent me to charm school" "Oh really? What's so great about that?" says the rich girl. The middle class girl not wavering in her civility says "In charm school they teach you to say "Well that's nice" instead of "fuck you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8smu7d/two_women_sit_on_a_porch_in_plantation_times/
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If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that's gone horribly wrong?

I'm all ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8smqdp/if_anyone_knows_how_to_correct_cosmetic_surgery/
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Some of my clothes are getting ripped to shreds when I use the washing machine.

It keeps happening every time. I think it's a vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8smq4l/some_of_my_clothes_are_getting_ripped_to_shreds/
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After sex last night, my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had!"

Apparently, "ditto" is not the right response.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8smm3z/after_sex_last_night_my_new_girlfriend_snuggled/
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What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna1, Anna2!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8smj4p/what_did_the_drummer_call_his_twin_daughters/
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If all the women died, all the men would be screwed.

It would be a real pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8smj0v/if_all_the_women_died_all_the_men_would_be_screwed/
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What's worse than having a small penis?

Nothing. Sorry if you clicked on this to make yourself feel better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sm8nj/whats_worse_than_having_a_small_penis/
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Artificial Intelligence is really taking over our jobs, man.

Just today, I asked Siri to change the tv channel, and it ended up calling my mother.
Siri has now replaced my partially deaf grandma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sm6te/artificial_intelligence_is_really_taking_over_our/
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Patient: ‘Doctor doctor! I only have 59 seconds to live!’

Doctor: Hang on a minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sm5s5/patient_doctor_doctor_i_only_have_59_seconds_to/
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No man is an island

But when you piss, urination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sm2p7/no_man_is_an_island/
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I told my brother, "I went to the GPS repair shop for the first time ever."

"How did you find it?" he asked.
I said, "With difficulty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8slx98/i_told_my_brother_i_went_to_the_gps_repair_shop/
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What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People from Dubai don't like the Flinstones, but those from Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8slss9/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
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Did you hear about the guy with the 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8slrk8/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_the_5_penises/
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Where's the best place for Edward Snowden to hide?

Wallstreet. No one there ever seems to get prosecuted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8slpdm/wheres_the_best_place_for_edward_snowden_to_hide/
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I was getting a prostate exam and the doctor said "don't worry, it's perfectly normal to get an erection"

I just wish he'd put his pants back on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8slp2w/i_was_getting_a_prostate_exam_and_the_doctor_said/
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A son asks his dad:"Dad, why is my sisters name Rose?"

The dad answers: "Well it's because on our first date, I gave your mother roses, and she has loved them ever since."
Son: "Wow, thanks dad!"
Dad: "No problem, Bj."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sln33/a_son_asks_his_daddad_why_is_my_sisters_name_rose/
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This vegan chick came up to me and started talking like she knew me.

But I never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8slmmy/this_vegan_chick_came_up_to_me_and_started/
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One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair.
I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got his problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said..........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sli0v/one_day_in_the_future_donald_trump_has_a/
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Little Johnny's Testimony

Little Johnny was home with mom while dad was away at work.
Mom asked "So, Johnny boy. What did you do with daddy while I was at grandma's yesterday?"
"I was doing my homework that suddenly aunt Lilly came home and daddy took her to your bedroom and locked the door. When I looked through the keyhole..."
Johnny's mom looking shocked stopped Johnny. She said "All right. All right, sweetie. You tell us the rest of the story while we're having dinner with daddy."
Time flew and daddy came home and dinner was served. Then mommy all vengeful and ready to make a kill looked at Johnny and said.
"So Johnny boy, What did you do with daddy while I was at grandma's yesterday?"
Daddy started coughing as he choked on the food.
Johnny started "I was doing my homework when..."
Dad interrupted saying "That's right, Johnny. You've got homework to do. Off you go."
Mom said "You just sit down and shut up, mister!" then looking at Johnny she said "Go on, Johnny boy what happened then?"
Johnny continued "Then suddenly aunt Lilly came home and dad took her to the bedroom..."
Dad looking nervous said " She wanted to borrow a dress. That's all."
Mom who had turned all red said "You let Johnny finish the story. What happened then?"
Johnny finished the story saying "Daddy took aunt Lilly to the bedroom and locked the door."
"YES? AND?"
"And when I looked at them through the keyhole I saw them doing the thing you do with uncle Jackie when Dad's away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sl9qy/little_johnnys_testimony/
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Me: *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sl7dw/me_swallows_pride/
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How do Australians know who won the chess game?

They check, mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sl4d1/how_do_australians_know_who_won_the_chess_game/
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Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sl3zy/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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A little old lady

A sweet little old lady was riding on a bus heading to another town to visit her children. She was seated behind the driver. On the way she offered some nuts to the bus driver saying "Here you go, sonny." And the driver took them gladly to eat. After a few minutes she offered some more nuts saying "Have some more my dear." And the driver took and ate them. After a few more minutes again she said "Give me your hand, sonny." And she gave a handful of nuts to him.
The driver who was getting along with the granny said "Excuse me, Ma'am you're very kind offering me these nuts but what about yourself?" The granny laughed gently and said "Oh my sweet boy, I can't eat these nuts with my dentures. I can just lick the chocolate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sl2xy/a_little_old_lady/
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Due to the non existent atmosphere on the moon, the american flag is by now completely white.

Great, now everyone thinks the French were the first...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8skwzu/due_to_the_non_existent_atmosphere_on_the_moon/
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Two Dumb Terrorists

were planting a powerful explosive on a car.
First one says "Careful! Or it'll blow up."
Second one replies "No worries. I've brought an extra just in case."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8skwqr/two_dumb_terrorists/
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My Japanese friend bought a new Sentra and named it 123

When I asked why 123, he replied with
"Ichi Ni san"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8skrwx/my_japanese_friend_bought_a_new_sentra_and_named/
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What did the pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Dead ant dead ant
Dead ant
Dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead aaaaant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8skr5v/what_did_the_pink_panther_say_when_he_stepped_on/
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What did the Texan florist say when he was robbed?

"What in carnation?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sknju/what_did_the_texan_florist_say_when_he_was_robbed/
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A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8skksb/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two hunters walking through the forest...

As they’re walking they see an anvil, sitting next to a massive hole in the ground with rope tied around it.
Curious as to how deep the hole is they push the anvil in and wait for the splash or thud... nothing. Thinking the hole is too deep they start to walk off. Then, out of no where a goat comes zipping past them screaming at the top of its voice and leaps down the hole.
Confused they walk on and bump into a farmer... he turns and asks if they’ve seen his goat, they say no, the farmer replies ‘That’s unbelievable I had him tied to an anvil’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8skf3z/two_hunters_walking_through_the_forest/
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My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription

I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"
He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"
Deleted and reposting myself due to a typo in the title

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8skdv6/my_doctor_was_having_trouble_writing_my/
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How can I live longer than 100 years?

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke?
No.
Do you eat too much?
No.
Do you go to bed late?
No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8skbwy/how_can_i_live_longer_than_100_years/
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The doctor has some good news and bad news

A guy had a problem with his foot and the doctor said he has to cut it off.
After the surgery the patient sees the doctor worried
P: What’s wrong, Doctor?
D: I have some good news and some bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?
P: The bad news
D: we cut the wrong foot off.
P: what?! How can there be good news?
D: well your other foot is getting better
(I saw this on an old British show called Mind Your Language)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8skbth/the_doctor_has_some_good_news_and_bad_news/
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Three Mothers go to Therapy

After a 30 minutes of questions the therapist says "I've figured it out. You all have unhealthy obsessions that have taken over your lives." He turns to the first mother and says:
"You named your daughter Candy, and you're obsessed with sweets."
He turns to the second mother and says:
"You're obsessed with money, as your daughter's name is Penny."
He goes to turn to the final mother, but she suddenly stands up and takes her son by the wrist to leave.
"I've had enough, you have no right to expose me like this. Come on, we're leaving now Dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8skao3/three_mothers_go_to_therapy/
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Why are George R R Martin's tweets always so short?

He killed off most of his characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sk7j9/why_are_george_r_r_martins_tweets_always_so_short/
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Prof.X died the other day whilst hooked up to his mind machine.

As a consequence, everyone on earth was frozen in time.
It's a terrible condition... Cerebro Pausey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sk4ux/profx_died_the_other_day_whilst_hooked_up_to_his/
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What do you call a piece of paper that is a whore?

A spread sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sk1zy/what_do_you_call_a_piece_of_paper_that_is_a_whore/
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A guy stuck his head in the barbershop..

A guy stuck his head in the barbershop and asked “how long until I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said “about two hours.” The guy left. A few days, the same guy stuck his head in the door and  asked “ how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop and said “about 3 hours.” The guy left. A week later , the same guy stuck his head in the door and said “ how long before I can get a haircut.” The barber looked around the shop and said “ about an hour and a half.” The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said “Hey Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long does he have to wait for a haircut but never comes back.” A little while later, Bob returns to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, “ so , where does he go when he leaves?” Bob looks up , wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “ your house , and I think your wife was home.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sjzoo/a_guy_stuck_his_head_in_the_barbershop/
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I've discovered the trick to making my penis 12 inches long...

just fold it in half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sjybl/ive_discovered_the_trick_to_making_my_penis_12/
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What do you call a group of network engineers sitting in a circle and getting high?

A tokin' ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sjq5s/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_network_engineers/
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I have a medium penis

It can see ghosts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sjnl7/i_have_a_medium_penis/
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It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of Mexican immigrants, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth" "?
Again, no response except from Pedro:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sjlx4/it_was_the_first_day_of_school_and_a_new_student/
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A husband comes home and finds a wife furiously packing a suitcase.

He asks what she's doing and she replies "I'm leaving you! I hear you can get paid $250 for a blow job in Vegas"
The man starts packing his bags and the wife asks "what are YOU doing?"
"I'm coming to Vegas too."
"what the hell for?"
"I want to see how you can live on $500 a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sjlds/a_husband_comes_home_and_finds_a_wife_furiously/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!" "That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that." The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor." "Okay, do you have coke and rum?" The bartender serves him an apple. "No way.. this tastes like coke!" "Turn it around" Says the bartender. "It tastes like rum!" Exclaimed the man. A second man takes a seat next to the two, hearing the commotion. "Hey, mate, you have to try this! The bartender can serve you any flavor apple that you can think of!" Says the first man. "You can't expect me to believe that!" He replies. "Any flavor." the bartender says. "Okay, get me a gin and tonic." He is handed an apple, and upon taking a bite his face lights up. "It tastes like gin!" "Turn it around" Says the bartender. "It tastes like tonic! I don't believe it!" he exclaims. A third man walks over, hearing the commotion. "What's the fuss about?" he asks. All three men who are already seated pipe up about the apples. "Any flavor, eh? Well... I doubt it. Get me one that tastes like pussy!" The bartender, as in the previous cases, hands the man an apple. The man revolts, and nearly throws up. "This tastes like shit!" He shouts.
The bartender replies "Turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sjfig/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Take your parents for example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sjch6/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
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Break ups are the worst in China

You see her face everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sj9ox/break_ups_are_the_worst_in_china/
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Why couldn't the fox get matches on Tinder?

Because Swiper no swiping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sj9f2/why_couldnt_the_fox_get_matches_on_tinder/
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Man to his wife...

Man to his wife: “Do you know what our 6 year old son wants to be once he’s big?”
Wife: “No.”
Man: “A garbage man. And you know why?”
Wife: “No, why?”
Man: “Because he thinks they only work on Tuesdays.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sj7pv/man_to_his_wife/
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What Did The Male Mantis Say To The Female Mantis?

Male Mantis: “Yo, hoe, I want some head.”
Female Mantis: “Me too.”
Male Mantis: “what”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sj2yv/what_did_the_male_mantis_say_to_the_female_mantis/
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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sj1cl/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate  that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan  to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his  name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that  it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to  secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this,"  and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and  perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to  consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She  finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who  claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as  collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is  this?"
The bank manager looks back at  her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old  man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sj0f2/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank_and_approaches_the_teller/
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Two wrongs don't make a right.

But two Wrights make a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8siz7t/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a-head... I gotta give these two a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8siyls/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
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Little Johnny’s teacher asked him how his weekend was.

“Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass!” he said.
The teacher replied, “rectum”
“Wrecked him?” Little Johnny said. “Damn near killed him!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sixy8/little_johnnys_teacher_asked_him_how_his_weekend/
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A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?" "Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor." Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds. "Two presidents in my bar in one day; this is the highlight of my life" the barman gushes.
Then the orange man walks up to the bar. The barman immediately tells him to get out of the bar. Furiously, he asks why and the barman exclaims "Ted; you just got a new liver last week. Your wife would kill me if I gave you a drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8siw0z/a_white_man_a_black_man_and_an_orange_man_walk/
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A Lumberjack walks into a Magical Forest..

He finds a mighty tree and begins to chop it down. As soon as he starts chopping, the tree yells out "Stop it! I'm a talking tree!"  The lumber jack responds, "And you'll dialogue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8siuo8/a_lumberjack_walks_into_a_magical_forest/
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How do you pronounce XXXTentacion?

Dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sirvs/how_do_you_pronounce_xxxtentacion/
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Patient and Doctor

Patient: Doctor, I get a strong stinging feeling in my eyes every time I eat a birthday cake."
Doctor: Next time, blow out the candles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sirtn/patient_and_doctor/
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It turns out scientists have found a cure for weeaboos. It was a nutrition problem all along!

Too much manganese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sirn6/it_turns_out_scientists_have_found_a_cure_for/
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How did Batman get out of religious jail?

He had to pay Christian Bail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sip4c/how_did_batman_get_out_of_religious_jail/
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I met a vegan magician the other night who surprised everyone by making guacamole appear from thin air.

Avocadabra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sio6m/i_met_a_vegan_magician_the_other_night_who/
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I got fired from my kitchen job for stealing cookware...

... it was a whisk I was willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sil8f/i_got_fired_from_my_kitchen_job_for_stealing/
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I got a paper cut writing my suicide note

I guess it's a start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sijie/i_got_a_paper_cut_writing_my_suicide_note/
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How do you make a duck sing the blues?

Stick it in an oven at 500 degrees until its bill withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8siiiy/how_do_you_make_a_duck_sing_the_blues/
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Dating Sites are all for Perverts

I was going to join a dating site, but no matter which one I tried I realized pretty quick they were supporting perverts. Disgusting! I mean, right on the form it said: Do you want children?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sigp7/dating_sites_are_all_for_perverts/
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I was walking down the street the other day

, when I saw a business called "Mexican Bookstore." I walked in and asked the clerk if they had a book about Trump's immigration policy.
"Fuck you! Get out and stay out!" he shouted.
I said, "Yeah, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sify3/i_was_walking_down_the_street_the_other_day/
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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye...

turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8siewx/i_used_to_date_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
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A mosquito asks her son

"How was your first flight?"
The son answers: "I think it was good, everybody clapped for me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sicdm/a_mosquito_asks_her_son/
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A soldier walks into his commanding officers tent

and asks “Sir, I’ve lost my rifle, What do I have to do to get another” The Commanding officer says “Well if that’s the case we will take the 700 pounds out of your pay check to purchase a new one” the officer turns around to fill out the paper work but the soldier asks “out of curiosity, if i were to lose an armoured car, what would happen?” The officer responds “Well we would dock your pay until the 40 thousand pound price of the armoured car was paid off” The soldier turns pale “SO THATS WHY CAPTAINS IN THE NAVY ALWAYS GO DOWN WITH THEIR SHIP!”
Found that in a joke book sorry if somebody else has posted it before, love this subreddit by the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sibe8/a_soldier_walks_into_his_commanding_officers_tent/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead undergo spy training

The pass all test with ease, and score top marks on all exams. Finally, after an easy year of training, they are told to go the headmaster's office, James Bond himself. "First of all, congratulations for you excellent grades in all classes, he said, but you have one final exam to pass. In the room behind me, tied to a chair, is your instructor. We recently found out he is a double agent for a organization that aims to overthrow the British government. I want you to pick up the revolver that sits on the stool next to him and shoot him like the dog he is."
The brunette is the first one to pass the test. She enters the room, looks at her teacher's face, then the gun. Finally, she says : "It's too hard, I c an't do it, he is the one that taught us everything."
It is now the redhead's turn to enter the room. Once again she look at her teacher's face, the the gun. She hesitates, but then, once more, she says : "I'm sorry, but I can't do what you ask of me. I cannot bring myself to kill him, traitor or not."
Finally comes the blonde's turn to do the task. She steps into the room. 10 seconds pass, and suddenly, from outside the room, horrible cries and screams can be heard. Quickly, James Bond opens the door. An eyeball slowly rolls towards him, as he is met with the blonde, covered in blood, who tells him : "Guess what ? There were no bullets in the gun ! I had to finish him with the stool !".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sial0/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_undergo_spy/
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Five years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Yesterday, I gathered up my courage and asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8si89b/five_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_out/
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I finally found a way to make my dick 9” long.

Just fold it in half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8si733/i_finally_found_a_way_to_make_my_dick_9_long/
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There are three types of people

Those who can count, and those who cant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8si63c/there_are_three_types_of_people/
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What would you have if the LGBT community kicked out all the gays?

A pretty good sandwich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8si5vy/what_would_you_have_if_the_lgbt_community_kicked/
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A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane

, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!
The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!
Sure enough, the pope leans over and asks the man "do you know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?"
Oh no. The man is speechless. He sits there, terrified but trying his best to put on a pensive face, for about 30 seconds. The pope won't speak to me this whole flight if I say what first came to mind...
Then it hits him! "Oh!" he says. "AUNT. The word you're looking for is 'aunt', Your Holiness."
The pope calmly nods. "Ah, of course," he says. "Do you have an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8si4gr/a_devout_catholic_man_has_just_boarded_a_plane/
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What do you call a cake that was made by a prostitute?

Hoe-made

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8shr5v/what_do_you_call_a_cake_that_was_made_by_a/
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I just lost an argument with a pencil.

To be fair, it had a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8shqmo/i_just_lost_an_argument_with_a_pencil/
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The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure. The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Swiss did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8shlnt/the_united_nations_initiated_a_poll_with_the/
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I replaced my dad's shaving cream with mayonnaise...

He shouted "what the Hellman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8shgog/i_replaced_my_dads_shaving_cream_with_mayonnaise/
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Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.
Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?
A red bucket in disguise.
My 8 year old son...the comedian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8shcpr/whats_red_looks_like_a_bucket_shaped_like_a/
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I went to the doctor the other day, and all he did was bite my neck.

Don't go see Dr. Acula

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8shc55/i_went_to_the_doctor_the_other_day_and_all_he_did/
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Stevie Wonder calls Tiger Woods and asks, "How do you fancy a round of golf?" Tiger smiles to himself and responds, "I didn't know you were able to play, Stevie."

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can wear an earpiece which tells him the direction and distance to it.
Tiger says, "You have to understand Stevie, I'm a pro golfer, the best in the world! It will be too much of a mismatch!"
Stevie laughs, "Ok, well, tell you what, a million dollars says I win or are you chicken!?"
Angrily, Tiger mutters, "Ok, done! When do you want to play!?"
Stevie responds, "Any night this week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8shbek/stevie_wonder_calls_tiger_woods_and_asks_how_do/
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I've been reading a book on antigravity...

It's impossible to put down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sh98v/ive_been_reading_a_book_on_antigravity/
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If a light sleeper sleeps with the light on....

What does a hard sleeper sleep with?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sh7b9/if_a_light_sleeper_sleeps_with_the_light_on/
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My friend exclaimed, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it!?" I grumbled, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What, a miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sh5ky/my_friend_exclaimed_congratulations_on_your_new/
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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

That priest is in prison now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sh2d3/i_was_blessed_with_a_9_inch_penis/
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Bruce Willis dead at age 63 of viagra overdose.

He died hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sgwve/bruce_willis_dead_at_age_63_of_viagra_overdose/
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Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"
Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"
Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
Tiger says "you have to understand Stevie I am a pro golfer, it will be too much of a mismatch"
Stevie says" OK well tell you what, a million dollars says I win or are you chicken"
Tiger says "OK done, when do you want to play?"
Stevie says "any night this week"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sgsgc/stevie_wonder_rings_tiger_woods_and_says/
%
How does every racist joke start?

With a white guy looking over his shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sgrg4/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
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I walked in on my parents as a kid...

As a little boy I walked in on my parents having intercourse one night, and of course, my parents stopped and sent me back to bed.
The next day my dad tells me "Don't worry son, I wasn't hurting mommy, we were just trying to make you a little sister."
So, when I was young I always wanted a pet. I then looked at my father and asked "Could you do mommy doggy style next time? I want a puppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sgqde/i_walked_in_on_my_parents_as_a_kid/
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How do you tell if a worm is a boy worm or a girl worm?

Tell it a joke - if he laughs it's a boy, and if she laughs it's a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sgiez/how_do_you_tell_if_a_worm_is_a_boy_worm_or_a_girl/
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What happened to the man who ate too much spaghetti?

He pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sghx7/what_happened_to_the_man_who_ate_too_much/
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Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview

.
He was asked -
Q 1. When did India get Independence?
He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947.
Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?
Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others.
Q 3. Do you think, Corruption is the greatest enemy of the country?
Answer - A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report.
The Interview Board was impressed by his original ideas. They asked him to wait outside; but also advised him not to reveal the questions, as they may ask the same questions to other candidates also.
When the young man went out of the room, a person inquired about the questions asked. The young man said that he had promised the interview board not to disclose the questions.
But, the person found a way out. "Tell me the answer you gave."
The young man, thought it to be okay, as he was not going back on his words of "not disclosing the QUESTIONS". So he gave him the three answer which the person quickly learnt by heart.
When that person went in for interview, this is what happened.
Q 1. When were you born?
That person:- The efforts started long back, but could succeed in 1947.
Interviewers got confused...they asked next question.
Q 2. What is your father's name?
That person :- There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others.
The board members were shocked at the reply..they said.
Q 3. Are you mad?
That person :- A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sgehu/once_a_bright_and_intelligent_young_man_went_for/
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Dad's job

(German here)
The teacher asks the children what their dad's are doing for a job. All very exited shouted all different professions;
"Police Office, Fireman, banker, accountant, ..." ... only Hans remained quiet.
So, the teach asks "Hans, what is you dad doing as a job?"
"Oh, he's dancing naked at a gay club and sometimes man pay him more money and they go to a motel together".
"Is that true, Hans?" The teacher asks shocked.
"No, he's playing football (soccer) for the German national team but that would have been too embarrassing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sgdbh/dads_job/
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What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

Micro trans-action

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sg52j/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_transgender_midgets/
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“Son, I found a condom in your room.”

“Gee thanks, Grandpa!”
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”
“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sg3f4/son_i_found_a_condom_in_your_room/
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What is China's by far youngest prostitute called? [NSFW]

Wei Too Young

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sg1hk/what_is_chinas_by_far_youngest_prostitute_called/
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What did the dolphin say during its existential crisis?

I feel that my life has no porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sg0wo/what_did_the_dolphin_say_during_its_existential/
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What do you get when you shoot a Mexican golfer?

A hole in Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sfx4a/what_do_you_get_when_you_shoot_a_mexican_golfer/
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Any jokes that don't involve Elephants;

are irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sfvj7/any_jokes_that_dont_involve_elephants/
%
How do you spell odin?

With one eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sfrw5/how_do_you_spell_odin/
%
What's the difference between a priest and a zit?

A zit still wait until your twelve before it comes on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sfpff/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_zit/
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TIL HIV can cause hearing loss.

I guess the patients must have hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sfl49/til_hiv_can_cause_hearing_loss/
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Best sex ever

That frustrating moment when you're having the best sex of your life but people walk in so you have to run out of the morgue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sfl2t/best_sex_ever/
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I've already heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sfj4b/ive_already_heard_like_seven_cancer_jokes_today/
%
My internet connection and my diet are missing one thing in common...

Fiber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sfhvl/my_internet_connection_and_my_diet_are_missing/
%
What do you call a gun with three barrels?

A trifle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sfhnf/what_do_you_call_a_gun_with_three_barrels/
%
Two strangers are sitting in a bar at the top of a high rise...

The first man says to the other:  "Did you know the clouds are so thick up here that you bounce right back off of them if you jump out the window?"
The second man says:  "Is this some kind of a sick game?  That's not physically possible!"
The first man stands up and says "Let me show you!"  And sure enough he opens the window and jumps out.  A few seconds pass and he returns back up and into the window.
The second man says "That's incredible, my turn!"  He hops out the window, down he falls, and splats the pavement.
The bartender looks over at the first man and says "Clark, you're an ass when you drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sfdcd/two_strangers_are_sitting_in_a_bar_at_the_top_of/
%
What do pirates smoke?

SEA WEED

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sfcrc/what_do_pirates_smoke/
%
Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of imaginary numbers?

Neither did *i*.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
^^^^^Edit:&nbsp;fixed&nbsp;typo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sfc5i/did_you_hear_about_the_math_teacher_whos_afraid/
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Why didn't Santa ever bring Captain Nemo any presents?

Because Nemo was always on the Nautilus (Naughty List). My 8 year old came up with that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sf7n9/why_didnt_santa_ever_bring_captain_nemo_any/
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I bumped into my old English teacher that I fancied.

"What's new?" she asked.
I said, "An adjective."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sf6on/i_bumped_into_my_old_english_teacher_that_i/
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What STI do women get from sleeping with Thor?

Thunderclap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sf41c/what_sti_do_women_get_from_sleeping_with_thor/
%
I really don't understand water polo

Like, how do they keep the horses from drowning?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sf3xv/i_really_dont_understand_water_polo/
%
I designed a coin making machine but I couldn't understand why it wasn't working

It just didn't make cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sf2ac/i_designed_a_coin_making_machine_but_i_couldnt/
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Two people are at a funeral. The first says, “I don’t want to know when I’m going to die, I just want to know where. “ “Why?”, the second asks.

So I don’t go there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sf1qu/two_people_are_at_a_funeral_the_first_says_i_dont/
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What do you call a Hindu who rejects the gods and prays to a slice of bread?

A Naan Believer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sf16k/what_do_you_call_a_hindu_who_rejects_the_gods_and/
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An Arab girl asked me if I wanted a hijab..

I said, ”Sure. But I don’t think that’s how it’s pronounced”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sf116/an_arab_girl_asked_me_if_i_wanted_a_hijab/
%
What does the sign out side of a closed brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sf0an/what_does_the_sign_out_side_of_a_closed_brothel/
%
What is a dolphin’s favorite book?

The porpoise driven life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8seyek/what_is_a_dolphins_favorite_book/
%
When you have Erectile dysfunction...

The only thing that gets hard is your life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sewnn/when_you_have_erectile_dysfunction/
%
A man goes on vacation for a few weeks...

A man goes on vacation for a few weeks and leaves his cat with his brother.
After a few days, he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing. The brother tells him, “I’m sorry, but the cat died.”
The first man gets angry and says, “How could you just break it to me like that? You knew I’m not coming home for another week, you should have said something like, ‘The cat is on the roof and we can’t get it down,’ then the next day I’d call back and you’d say, ‘We got the cat down, but the vet says she’s in bad shape, she may not make it,’ and then the third day I’d call and THEN you’d tell me the cat had died. That way it wouldn’t come as such a shock and I’d have been able to build myself up to deal with it!”
The brother apologized.
Then the first man said, “I’m sorry for snapping at you like that, but you know how sudden tragedy is worse than gradual… Anyway, so how’s Mom?”
And then the brother says, “Well, she’s up on the roof and we can’t get her down.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8seury/a_man_goes_on_vacation_for_a_few_weeks/
%
How do Mexicans feel about Trumps wall?

They'll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8seupv/how_do_mexicans_feel_about_trumps_wall/
%
I before E, except after C.

We ***feign agreeing***,  but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has ***deigned*** to influence the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***obeisance*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8senup/i_before_e_except_after_c/
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A guy goes in for an interview at a big company...

The guy has prepared well and he’s crushed all of the behavioral and technical questions. It seems as if he’s going to get the position. Then the interviewer says:
“I just have one last question. What is your greatest weakness?”
The guy responds “My greatest weakness is my honesty.”
The interviewer is mildly surprised and says “I don’t think that honesty is a weakness.”
The guy smiles and replies:
“Well quite honestly, I don’t give a shit what you think.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sengo/a_guy_goes_in_for_an_interview_at_a_big_company/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Guy one: to get to the idiot's house.
Guy two: that joke makes no sense
Guy one: yes it does. for example, knock knock
Guy two: whos'e there?
Guy one: the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sejn4/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
With the new Space Force I heard

America was building their very own Death Star...and the rebels are going to pay for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sea4l/with_the_new_space_force_i_heard/
%
I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope no one asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8se2tx/i_used_to_smoke_pot_and_sneak_into_class_10/
%
How do you identify a pregnant clause when editing writing?

It’s missing a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8se2r1/how_do_you_identify_a_pregnant_clause_when/
%
The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...

A KGB agent walks up to order and says, “One vodka, please.”
The woman at the register looks and says, “Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don’t serve vodka.”
The KGB agent looks surprised and says, “Excuse my mistake, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8se0rw/the_date_is_january_31_1990_and_the_soviet_union/
%
How much religious experience does a woman need to be a part of the church?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8se03f/how_much_religious_experience_does_a_woman_need/
%
True story: I'm at a music festival with my wife and she is looking good.

I convince her to go to the port-a-potties. I ask here how high do you think the floor is off the ground. She says "I don't know, 3 inches?". I seductively ask her if she would like to accompany me in to the port-a-pottie and Join the 3 inch club.  She looks at me sarcastically and says......"Oh, I've already joined the 3 inch club!!!"  OUCH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sdzfq/true_story_im_at_a_music_festival_with_my_wife/
%
How do you get 11 million followers?

Walk with a bottle of water in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sdw4z/how_do_you_get_11_million_followers/
%
What's black and doesn't work?

Decaf coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sdv2f/whats_black_and_doesnt_work/
%
Why can’t people with a lazy eye be teachers?

They can’t control their pupils!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sdsda/why_cant_people_with_a_lazy_eye_be_teachers/
%
What did the Earth say to the sun?

You’re out of this world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sdqoz/what_did_the_earth_say_to_the_sun/
%
How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sdolx/how_did_the_farmer_find_his_wife/
%
A nail walks into a bar...

“What would you like?” The bartender asked.
And so the nail ordered many drinks. After a great many drinks the bartender went to approach the nail again and advice him to go home. To his surprise the nail was nowhere to be seen. Naturally, the bartender leaned over the counter to see the nail buried within the floorboards.
“My, what’s happened here?” The bartender asked.
“I’m hammered,” the nail replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sdnem/a_nail_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Jasmine tried to attend a "Disney Prince Only" gathering

She wasn't Aladdin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sdm67/jasmine_tried_to_attend_a_disney_prince_only/
%
Reaching the end of a job interview

, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50&#37; of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sdljv/reaching_the_end_of_a_job_interview/
%
What do you call a film director that has crabs?

Alfred Itchcock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sdlby/what_do_you_call_a_film_director_that_has_crabs/
%
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila.
He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.
He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home.
In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit.
I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sdceo/three_mice_are_sitting_in_a_bar_in_a_pretty_rough/
%
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his granddad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?", asked the granddad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"
A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked.
"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"
"Oh dear!" replied the granddad. "Who did you go with?"
"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"
"The SS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sdbwa/a_boy_was_upstairs_playing_on_his_computer_when/
%
What did the frog say when browsing r/books ?

Reddit.. Reddit.. Reddit..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sdbcw/what_did_the_frog_say_when_browsing_rbooks/
%
During It's 60th Year Anniversary, an Old Folk's Home Decided to Get a Magician to Perform.

This Magician Was Unlike Any Other Magician. He Specialised in Hypnosis.
That Day, He Brought His Family's Heirloom, a Pocket Watch Made of Gold.
At Noon, Everyone Gathered At the Home's Hall, Waiting for The Magician's Arrival.
Upon Arriving, the Magician Pulled Out his Pocket Watch and Told Everyone to Look at It.
"When I Snap My Fingers, You Will Fall into A Deep, Deep Sleep."
*snap*
"You Will Now Do As I Say."
Suddenly, the Pocket Watch Slipped Out of His Hands and Dropped.
It's Glass was Shattered All Over the Floor.
Realising What Had Just Happened, He Stared At It for Another Five Seconds Before Exclaiming:
"SHIT!"
He Was Never Invited Back There Again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sd3nd/during_its_60th_year_anniversary_an_old_folks/
%
They say there's plenty of fish in the sea

But until I catch one I'm just sittin' here holding my rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sd3g3/they_say_theres_plenty_of_fish_in_the_sea/
%
Guard: "What would you like for your last meal?"

Woman: "Idk, what do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sd2a7/guard_what_would_you_like_for_your_last_meal/
%
How did Jared the subway guy begin and end his career?

By trying to get into smaller pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8scoq3/how_did_jared_the_subway_guy_begin_and_end_his/
%
Why can't Donald Trump and Melania have a romantic getaway in Mexico?

He always wants to take the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8scoji/why_cant_donald_trump_and_melania_have_a_romantic/
%
What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?
At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8scl1u/what_is_the_difference_between_girls_aged_8_18_28/
%
I went to a costume party

Host: What are you supposed to be?
Me: I'm a harp!
Host: No Way! Your costume is way to small to be a harp.
Me: Are you calling my a lyre????

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8scewa/i_went_to_a_costume_party/
%
My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD.

Vet says he has Chirpees.  He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sc8cz/my_parrot_was_just_diagnosed_with_an_std/
%
Why did the spy sleep in?

He was working undercover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sc69z/why_did_the_spy_sleep_in/
%
I just finished reading a book by a group of amateur poets...

The poems aren’t bad, but you can tell they’re not prose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sc09t/i_just_finished_reading_a_book_by_a_group_of/
%
What kind of soup do computers eat?

RAMen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sc02g/what_kind_of_soup_do_computers_eat/
%
What do you call an overweight Cajun conman?

A jumbo liar.
Credit to my boyfriend who is exceptionally punny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sbvil/what_do_you_call_an_overweight_cajun_conman/
%
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it is a sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.95 a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sbv3a/when_a_man_talks_dirty_to_a_woman_it_is_a_sexual/
%
What do you call a black guy who sells drugs?

A pharmacist, you racist ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sbtg2/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_who_sells_drugs/
%
Who's married 10 women but still a virgin?

The Priest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sbrxw/whos_married_10_women_but_still_a_virgin/
%
Why do Marxists drink bad tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sbnz9/why_do_marxists_drink_bad_tea/
%
Why do NASCAR drivers have the worst luck?

Nothing goes right for them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sbnje/why_do_nascar_drivers_have_the_worst_luck/
%
Little Mary is at her first wedding.

When it’s over, her mother sees the little girl shaking her head in open-mouthed disbelief.
‘What's the matter honey?’ asks mother.
‘What was THAT shit?’ says Mary.
‘Mary!’ says mother, shocked.
‘Well, dang it Momma, that whore went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sbn9c/little_mary_is_at_her_first_wedding/
%
Why are handicap signs blue?

Because they're all crips.
(Sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sblw6/why_are_handicap_signs_blue/
%
My Grandpa has Alzeimer's disease, and whenever I go visit him, he thinks I'm my dad when he was young.

It wouldn't be so bad if he'd at least stop molesting me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sbiyx/my_grandpa_has_alzeimers_disease_and_whenever_i/
%
What’s the best part about getting a blowjob from your wife?

The peace and quiet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sbckj/whats_the_best_part_about_getting_a_blowjob_from/
%
A Polish goes to the ophthalmologist.

The doctor shows him:
C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z
"Can you read this?"
"Read? I know this guy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sbaun/a_polish_goes_to_the_ophthalmologist/
%
I did really well in my prostate exam.

The doctor gave me two thumbs up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sb8p5/i_did_really_well_in_my_prostate_exam/
%
I successfully made a real clone that looks exactly like me

I'm beside myself with excitement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sb8f9/i_successfully_made_a_real_clone_that_looks/
%
You know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sb6ud/you_know_why_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in/
%
I received a call from a man trying to sell shares in Egyptian property.

Sounded like a pyramid scheme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sb1w4/i_received_a_call_from_a_man_trying_to_sell/
%
I wouldn't want to take the ring to Mordor.

But Elijah Wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8savpy/i_wouldnt_want_to_take_the_ring_to_mordor/
%
Today I Learned

I've been surrounded by a rare species called expectations, apparently they've always been there yet I've never met any of them.
[stupid og joke, I agree]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sau9s/today_i_learned/
%
Trump just got the FDA to ban the sale of shredded cheese.

He says he wants to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sapgs/trump_just_got_the_fda_to_ban_the_sale_of/
%
What is the new car smell in a Tesla called?

Elon’s Musk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8salnm/what_is_the_new_car_smell_in_a_tesla_called/
%
I’ve concluded that bread is better than Jesus.

Bread only takes a few hours to rise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8saka2/ive_concluded_that_bread_is_better_than_jesus/
%
My wife hates it when I use her toothbrush.

So if anyone knows a better way to get dog shit out of sneakers, let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8saitw/my_wife_hates_it_when_i_use_her_toothbrush/
%
If you get pulled over and you have some Coke in your car, you’re likely to get arrested.

However, if you get pulled over and you have some Pepsi in your car, you’re likely to make a new friend.
Remember to always brush your seatbelts, buckle your teeth, and drink Pepsi.®️

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sahov/if_you_get_pulled_over_and_you_have_some_coke_in/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He flushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sagi7/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
What's the opposite of progress

Congress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sad2x/whats_the_opposite_of_progress/
%
Mountains aren't just funny...

..they are hill-areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sabo5/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sab5e/how_many_polish_soccer_players_does_it_take_to/
%
I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay today...

**I thought to myself, 'I wonder what his handicap is?'**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8saaji/i_saw_a_golf_buggy_parked_in_a_disabled_bay_today/
%
Its difficult to say what my wife does

She sells seashells by the sea shore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sa3bh/its_difficult_to_say_what_my_wife_does/
%
What is the difference between sex and a guitar?

It isn't against the law to finger minors on a guitar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8sa2k7/what_is_the_difference_between_sex_and_a_guitar/
%
A man and his wife are running out of money.

Now out of options, the wife decides to take up prostitution to get some money.
The husband takes her to the corner of the street, and later comes back that night, picking up his wife. He turns to her and asks "how much did you make", she replies "$200.05"
The husband double takes and says "who's the asshole who paid you 5 cents?" and the wife says "all of them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s9vz8/a_man_and_his_wife_are_running_out_of_money/
%
I always wear a sleeveless shirt to the gym...

But the only thing I exercise is my right to bare arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s9o7e/i_always_wear_a_sleeveless_shirt_to_the_gym/
%
God Creating Spiders

God: Let it be, that from here onwards spiders shall have eight legs.
Archangel Gabriel: As you command, lord.
God: Also they shall have eight eyes instead of the normal two.
Archangel Gabriel: That seems slightly excessive doesn’t it? But as you wish lord.
God: And give it a butt rope.
Archangel Gabriel: .......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s9n67/god_creating_spiders/
%
What's the difference between a nun and a woman masturbating in a bubble bath?

Ones got a soul full of hope...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s9kxf/whats_the_difference_between_a_nun_and_a_woman/
%
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s9kwj/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archaeologist/
%
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s9klf/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_cows_masturbating/
%
This man goes to the doctor and the doctor said;

You seem to have forgotten everything you know about 80s music
The man in a state of panic asks; oh no, what is the cure
The doctor said; oh my god it’s worse than I thought

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s9kbj/this_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_the_doctor_said/
%
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s9kbm/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_during_sex/
%
The job interviewer asked, "whats your full name?"

"It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith."
The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?"
"No" I replied, "but the priest at my baptism did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s9gwe/the_job_interviewer_asked_whats_your_full_name/
%
Three old men are sitting on a porch relaxing...

The first old man complains about having trouble moving his bowels.
The second old ma complains about having trouble urinating.
The third old man says, “every morning at 7am I relieve myself, then at 7:15 I take a huge dump.
The other two men look at him and say what’s wrong with that?
The third old man says, “I don’t wake up until 7:30.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s9g1g/three_old_men_are_sitting_on_a_porch_relaxing/
%
Last year, my 80 year old mom started walking a mile a day.

I've no fucking idea where she is now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s9fsi/last_year_my_80_year_old_mom_started_walking_a/
%
Last week I took my grandma to the spa

For 20 bucks they have this tiny fish that eat off your dead cells. It was way cheaper than funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s9ewa/last_week_i_took_my_grandma_to_the_spa/
%
Two social workers are walking....

Two social workers are walking down a path and find a beaten up man. He is bloody, bruised, and obviously struggling for life. One social worker looks to the other one and says, "The man who did this needs our help.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s99m4/two_social_workers_are_walking/
%
Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s99bf/did_you_hear_about_the_math_teacher_whos_afraid/
%
“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

(50 cent.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s975x/be_the_change_that_you_wish_to_see_in_the_world/
%
What’s Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat?

Wendy’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s94jk/whats_peter_pans_favorite_place_to_eat/
%
I lost 164 pounds in the last 6 months with this one simple trick!

All I did was buy bitcoin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s948p/i_lost_164_pounds_in_the_last_6_months_with_this/
%
The Ninja Turtles went to a store to buy new weapons. Everyone got what they needed except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s923d/the_ninja_turtles_went_to_a_store_to_buy_new/
%
Want to hear a Nirvana joke?

No?
Oh well. Whatever. Never mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s8zi7/want_to_hear_a_nirvana_joke/
%
The only thing Flat Earthers have to fear...

...is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s8y1n/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_have_to_fear/
%
I had to call in sick today with eye problems.

I just couldn't see coming in to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s8w4z/i_had_to_call_in_sick_today_with_eye_problems/
%
Perspective is really important.

Like, if you want a new view on life, just start crawling everywhere.
You'll be surprised by how many people tend to look down on you when you do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s8tx0/perspective_is_really_important/
%
Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo subject...

Nowadays if you talk about Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s8sxy/plastic_surgery_used_to_be_such_a_taboo_subject/
%
Always remember that there’s no “i” in “team”.

I learned that the hard way during a game of scrabble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s8rq8/always_remember_that_theres_no_i_in_team/
%
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s8pmw/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
%
My friend with a cocaine addiction recently quit.

It was the end of the line for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s8n30/my_friend_with_a_cocaine_addiction_recently_quit/
%
Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, the rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the
friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so,
thereby proving that . . .
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s8mur/some_friars_were_behind_on_their_belfry_payments/
%
Date night

This couple who will be celebrating their 20th anniversary this Friday were talking over dinner tonight.
Wife: honey, our 20th anniversary is this Friday.  Why don't we do something to help spice up our marriage a bit.
Husband: like What?
Wife: well, why don't we go to a bar and act like it's the first time we've met. I'll come in and introduce myself to you and we can pretend that we're falling in love with each other. Then we'll get a room for the night. Doesn't that sound like a fun thing to do on our 20th anniversary?
Husband: yeah, sure.
So Friday comes and the couple drive to a popular club in the city. The wife pulls up to the club.
Wife: ok, I'll drop you off here and you go in and get a beer or something and I'll come in and we'll pretend we just met. You have to act as if you've never met me before ok? Ohhh, this is going to be so fun!!!
The husband gets out of the car and walks into the club. He sees a gorgeous brunette sitting at the bar. He sits down next to her and they start talking and smiling at each other. The wife walks in a few minutes later and sees what's happening at the bar. She angrily walks over to her husband at the bar.
Wife: what the Hell do you think you're doing?
Husband: (turns and looks at his wife and in total character says) I'm sorry, do I know you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s8l3e/date_night/
%
Just watched a documentary about stroke survivors

It was a bit one-sided.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s8jir/just_watched_a_documentary_about_stroke_survivors/
%
Im trying to see things from your perspective my friend,

I just can't get my head that far up my ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s8h57/im_trying_to_see_things_from_your_perspective_my/
%
a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train...

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into switzerland.
looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.
"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in switzerland.
the professor of mathematics replies: "dear colleague, you should phrase your statements more precisely. from our observations, it seems to me we can only conclude that there is at least ONE black sheep in switzerland."
upon that, the professor of philosophy frowns and says: "dear colleagues, it seems you both tend to make inexact statements. from our observation, one could only conclude that there exists at least ONE sheep in switzerland who is black on at least ONE SIDE".
"well, i guess we will never get the chance to prove any of these claims" replies the professor of sociology.
that moment, the train breaks down with technical issues, and stops.
after killing some time waiting, the professor of philosophy suggests, they all go and check out the sheep, so they do.
they hike up the small hill where the sheep grazes, and check it out.
and, surprisingly, it really turns out to be black only on one side, the other side is perfectly white.
while they are studying the sheep, the farmer comes up to them, and asks what it is that they are doing here.
the professor of philosophy greets him and says: "that is quite an interesting sheep you have here".
the farmer looks at them incredulously for a few seconds, shakes his head, and yells: "now you gotta be the stupidest motherfuckers i met today. this is a goat you idiots."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s8g4m/a_professor_of_sociology_a_professor_of/
%
Where did Ivan the Terrible get his coffee?

Tsarbucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s84vw/where_did_ivan_the_terrible_get_his_coffee/
%
I can count the times I was on a vacation in Chernobyl on one hand

This summer, it will be my 15th time going there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s83cm/i_can_count_the_times_i_was_on_a_vacation_in/
%
A pirate captain says to his first mate...

“Where are my buccaneers?”
“Aye Cap’n, they’re on the sides of your buccan’ head!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s80im/a_pirate_captain_says_to_his_first_mate/
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I went into my proctologist’s office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me
I sat down
While waiting I observed
That there were three items on a stand
Next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer .
When the doctor finally came in I said,
“Look Doc, I’m a little confused
This is my first exam ..
I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . .
Darn it, Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7x5p/i_went_into_my_proctologists_office_for_my_first/
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A chappy was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,

so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, while waiting her turn,  Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf .
When Joe was finished, Mary asked, "How much for the teapot?"
Joe replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that she was sent to buy, and Joe went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for the hinge?'
To which Mary replied, "Nope, but I definitely will for the teapot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7vld/a_chappy_was_fixing_a_door_and_he_found_that_he/
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Why did the antivaxxers 3 year old cry

He was having a midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7uep/why_did_the_antivaxxers_3_year_old_cry/
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Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.

“Last week..." Bill explained. “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7tck/bill_pulled_up_a_stool_at_his_favorite_bar_and/
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I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.

' She replied 'No, we have a problem, we're a couple, we're married, were a unit, your problem is my problem were in this together.'
Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'
But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?'
I then had to explain to her that 'we have got your sister pregnant!.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7qqr/i_said_to_the_wife_ive_got_a_problem/
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My wife got really mad when she found me kissing her twin during a drunken dance at a wedding.

He is not too thrilled about it either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7pk0/my_wife_got_really_mad_when_she_found_me_kissing/
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I used to have a racing snail, and thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell...

But it only made it more sluggish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7nu8/i_used_to_have_a_racing_snail_and_thought_it/
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Two blondes were discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first blonde says, "I have to be honest.  I am planning to get a boob job."
The second says, "Yea, I going to get my asshole bleached this week."
To which the first replies, "Whoooa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7nio/two_blondes_were_discussing_the_merits_of/
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Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?

It gave birth in the spring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7meu/did_you_hear_about_the_pregnant_bedbug/
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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7lpq/cinderella_wants_to_go_to_the_ball_but_her_wicked/
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How can you be filthy rich and piss-poor at same time?

Dehydration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7l6p/how_can_you_be_filthy_rich_and_pisspoor_at_same/
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Three conspiracy theorists walked into a bar

Surely that can't be a coincidence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7l1b/three_conspiracy_theorists_walked_into_a_bar/
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3 men trying to get into heaven

The first guy goes up to St Peter.
"Peter can I get into heaven?"
He replies
"Have you been faithful to your wife?"
He says "yes yes of course!  Every day of my life loved her til I died never looked at another woman once!"
St Peter says "that's great just what I wanted to hear. Here you go you can drive around heaven in a lamborgini".
Vroom vroom off he goes.
The next guy goes up to St Peter
"Peter can I get into heaven?"
He replies
"Have you been faithful to your wife?"
The guy says.
"Hmmm I slipped up once or twice but I was a good husband".
St Peter says "fair enough here's a ford focus. You can drive round heaven in that"
The next guy goes up.
"Peter can I get into heaven?"
He replies
"Have you been faithful to your wife?"
"This guy says "oh no Peter I was a terrible husband, an absolute dog. I fucked every woman I could."
St Peter says
"Right here's a bmx. Off you go."
So off he goes peddling around heaven on his bmx....
He's riding round heaven on his bmx and notices a lamborgini pulled over on the side of the road with hazard lights flashing. He sees the first guy sitting on the side of the road crying. So he goes over...
"Hey dude what's the matter? What's wrong? Why are you crying? You're in heaven with your lambo. Come on man what's up why are you crying??"
And he says.
"I've just seen my wife on a pair of Rollerblades. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7kmj/3_men_trying_to_get_into_heaven/
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My wife told me to look at it from her perspective..,

So i looked out the kitchen window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7jdt/my_wife_told_me_to_look_at_it_from_her_perspective/
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A man went shopping with his wife.

At some point he lost his wife so he continued alone and searched for his wife. Suddenly he runs his shopping cart into the cart of another guy.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir," says the man.
"I wasn't paying attention for a moment, since I have lost my wife and I'm searching for her."
"Well what a coincidence," says the other man.
"I also lost my girlfriend and I'm also looking for her"
"That's a coincidence indeed. What does she look like?"
"Well she's long, slim, long blond hair, pretty big boobs, long legs, black boots and a short skirt. What does yours look like?"
"Fuck it," says the other guy,
"We're searching your wife!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7ihv/a_man_went_shopping_with_his_wife/
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My friend brags about having sex with potato chips

He keeps on telling me how many lays he's had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7h77/my_friend_brags_about_having_sex_with_potato_chips/
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How do you capture a Nicholas?

In a Nicholas Cage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7dns/how_do_you_capture_a_nicholas/
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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s7bwv/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
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What’s the name of E. coli bacteria’s sibling?

Bro coli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s6v2d/whats_the_name_of_e_coli_bacterias_sibling/
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Why did the blind man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s6v0l/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_in_the_well/
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As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

“You know, one would have been enough.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s6tg7/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/
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My dad got fired recently for being such an irritated electrician

He never conducted himself positively at work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s6sgq/my_dad_got_fired_recently_for_being_such_an/
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An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of  their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it \**infrequently\**' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - '**Is that one word or two**?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s6p68/an_elderly_couple_who_were_both_widowed_had_been/
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My clock is really small

It is a minute problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s6jlx/my_clock_is_really_small/
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A Butcher Tries Shooing a dog but sees it has a $10 Bill in its mouth with a note, "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door \*thud\*. He does this again \*thud\* and again \*thud\*. No answer. The dog jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass, It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s6j76/a_butcher_tries_shooing_a_dog_but_sees_it_has_a/
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Three vampires enter a dim bar in Kent.

The barmaid asks "What'll you have gentlemen?"
Flashing his best spooky grin, the first vampire says "I'll have a glass of blood"  When she asks second vampire, he says,"Glass of blood please"  She looks at the third vampire and he smirks and says, "I'll take a glass of plasma"
She shrugs and yells down the bar  "Two bloods and a blood lite".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s6h8o/three_vampires_enter_a_dim_bar_in_kent/
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This morning my wife asked me if I would like to yoga class with her...

Namaste in bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s6gew/this_morning_my_wife_asked_me_if_i_would_like_to/
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How do Australians have babies?

They mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s6f46/how_do_australians_have_babies/
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A group of vampires walk into a bar when the bartender asks "what'll be?"

The vampires reply, "Cups of hot water for all of us"
They take the cups of hot water and shuffle off into a corner of the bar.
The bartender watches them for awhile and finally his curiosity gets the better of him so he walks over to them.
He looks at them quizzically, " Guys, why the hot water?  No bloody marys or any such drink?"
The vampires pull tampons out of their cups, "Thanks! We're just having tea tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s6epc/a_group_of_vampires_walk_into_a_bar_when_the/
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Question: What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

Answer: Arrrrghhh!
Response: Nay! 'Tis the SEA we love!!
*My brother-in-law told me this one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s6ds7/question_what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter_of_the/
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What prize did the man win for his pants falling down?

The no belt peace prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s6ag2/what_prize_did_the_man_win_for_his_pants_falling/
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What are deaf people tired of hearing?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s69kh/what_are_deaf_people_tired_of_hearing/
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My clock has gone back four seconds.

It must've been really hungry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s66me/my_clock_has_gone_back_four_seconds/
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Three women were walking

when they suddenly came across a wild river on their path.
They had to get across the river, but they had no idea how they were going to tackle this problem.
The first woman prayed to God:
"God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Pouf!
God gave her big arms and strong legs and she managed to cross the river in two hours.
She almost drowned a few times.
When she saw this, the second woman prayed to God:
"God, give me the strength ... and the means to cross this river.'
Pouf!
God gave her a rowboat and so she managed to cross the river in an hour.
A few times, however, she had almost gone under.
When the third woman saw how the other two fared, she also prayed to God:
"God, give me the strength, the means and ... the insight to cross this river."
Pouf!
God changed her into a man. He looked at the map, walked for 500 meters and crossed the bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s65dx/three_women_were_walking/
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I tattooed a $100 Bill to my penis...

That way I can have a hand on my money, I can watch my money grow, and if my wife feel like blowing $100...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s640l/i_tattooed_a_100_bill_to_my_penis/
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Dyslexic Zombies

Really like guys named Brian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s61rf/dyslexic_zombies/
%
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s61ly/my_wife_found_out_i_was_cheating_on_her_after_she/
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I always tip pregnant waitresses more.

It's cheaper than child support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5zps/i_always_tip_pregnant_waitresses_more/
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What's an anti-vaxxers favorite board game?

Sorry!
(You have diphtheria)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5w59/whats_an_antivaxxers_favorite_board_game/
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How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Just sit back and do nothing for long enough and they will convince it to screw itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5trm/how_many_politicians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Marriage is like buying a house...

...and prostitution is like renting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5qqu/marriage_is_like_buying_a_house/
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My friend's dad is a war photographer, but with a twist.

He goes into battlefields after the shooting's stopped and takes pictures of the aftermath.
The newspaper he works for got him a contract to take photos in Iraq. Well, this was just after the war broke out, and he couldn't just fly into the country, not while there was a war. So he flew into Turkey, and stayed in a town close to the border called “Zor Bir Yer”, which translates to, “A Hard Place.” There, he hired a translator that spoke English, Turkish, and Arabic, rented a truck, and at the crack of dawn, the pair set out for the border.
Well, about half way there, the truck broke down. The translator called a towing service that was back in the village. After he talked to the person on the other end for a while, he hung up, looked at my friend's dad and said, “The tow truck is being refueled, so they won't be here for about two hours.
To which my friend's dad replied, “Great. So until then, we’re stuck between a Iraq and A Hard Place.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5qip/my_friends_dad_is_a_war_photographer_but_with_a/
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99 dead in Tesla autopilot car crash

This has caused Tesla to drop all ideas of a battle Royale mode for Tesla cars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5pdu/99_dead_in_tesla_autopilot_car_crash/
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A child who loved tractors (sorry if it’s a repost, haven’t seen it yet)

There was a young boy born to a family of farmers, his name was Ryan.
From a very early age he was amazed by all the machinery on his farm, but especially the tractors, his father owned four, each unique to their tasks. The large red one for the tonnes of wheat, the slightly smaller green one for all the tomatoes, the even smaller one for carrots, and the very small one with a tow for his wife to assist and the children to sit in the back.
As Ryan grew, he got more and more fascinated by the tractors, at just age 8 he could identify all the parts of the tractor including the tiny pieces in the engine.
By 14 he had started to learn to drive them as his brother before him had too, he grew jealous of their skills and wanted to be the best on the farm.
He practices and practiced and in less than 3 months he had mastered the skills of all the tractors and was much better than his older two brothers.
Ryan however wasn’t the most social of kids, when he turned 16 he got his first girlfriend which ended very quickly when she knew he was a farm boy and was obsessed about farming, he pictures all over his walls of various machines and automotives, so he was rather upset.
The years went by and his brothers both left the farming business behind and became a lawyer and a firefighter as they had been searching for a different life, along with that came their wives too.
Ryan was not happy though he wanted to find love too, and at the ripe old age of 26 he went bar to bar, club to club trying to find the one. He got a couple dates here and there but nothing lasted. Until a beautiful angel fell right in front of him at a farmers market. It was his first day alone as both his parents were too tired to help him. Their eyes darted side to side as their checks started to redden, to avoid anymore awkwardness,
“My names Chole” she grinned.
“Ryan” he chuckled back,
“Do you need any help, I’ve been looking for a job in acting for a while and can’t find anything” Chole exclaims,
“Of-of course” Ryan blurts out in nervousness.
So as the next day Chloe meets Ryan at the market and this continues for a while and they eventually start dating, and fall in love, and get married.
Ryan is so happy with his life now that he’s finally caught up to his older brothers. However his parents both get very sick and in the next few years the pass away only moths apart from each other
Next on the agenda is children, they’ve talked long about the idea and Ryan says it will be very beneficial in the futures as his parents aren’t around anymore for ever to help. So they try for children for a year but sadly nothing comes of it, except an argument; Chloe becomes very stressed out and explains “I know this is your business, but I’m done, I want to carry on with acting and I want my dream role, I’m done with your stupid tractors, ENOUGH!”
Ryan very shocked by this is hurt and doesn’t know what to say but he still loves his wife, they deliberate much more until Chole gives an ultimatum; “it’s the tractors or me!” And Ryan takes a few confusing minutes but decides to stay with Chole and sell the farm to buy a new house for them and try for children in other ways.
Eventually they’re all settled in to their cramped city apartment, and set out to see the doctors after many tests.
The doctors gives the upsetting news that Ryan is unable to have children, distraught by the fact and his new completely different life, his rushes out the room slamming the door behind him, leaving Chloe in tears.
He marches down to the nearest bar to grab a drink and sit in his wallows. When suddenly a fire bursts out in the kitchen, in shock the other guest all run straight out the building and call the fire brigade, who are then followed by the employees who try to get Ryan to leave but he’s too sad to move. Unfortunately before the employee can escape a fiery beam drops from the ceiling trapping their exit.
However Ryan stays calm and tries to ignore the situation but the employees are screaming as the smoke billows up and traps them in the building.
Ryan finishes the last sip of his drink and stands up.
He goes over to the employees and says everything is going to be ok as the start to choke,
He then sucks in as hard as he can filling his lungs with smoke and clears the room allowing the others to breathe.
Just when the dust starts to settle, none other than his brother burst in to stop the flames.
He is confused though as there is no longer smoke, he says “woah little bro, how did you do that?”
Ryan says, “because Chloe hates them, now I’m an
ex tractor fan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5pcy/a_child_who_loved_tractors_sorry_if_its_a_repost/
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An economist goes up to a girl he fancies at a bar.

He asks her, "I'll give you a million dollars if you will have sex at me."
The woman, taken back by the offer, sizes up the economist and agrees.
Now the economist adds, "Actually, I changed my mind. I'd rather do it with you in turn for a hundred dollars."
The woman being insulted, retorted, "What am I, some prostitute?"
"Oh, we already established that," replied the economist. "Now we're just negotiating price. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5p6x/an_economist_goes_up_to_a_girl_he_fancies_at_a_bar/
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What do you call a barber that only works on bald people?

An air stylist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5n6a/what_do_you_call_a_barber_that_only_works_on_bald/
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What's got 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

Half of a cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5j2i/whats_got_2_legs_and_bleeds_a_lot/
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What is an Anti-Vaxxer’s favorite game?

Half-life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5is1/what_is_an_antivaxxers_favorite_game/
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Three guys are attempting to steal fruit from a farmers huge orchard

The farmer catches them and, holding them at gunpoint, makes a deal. They’re to go out and find three of any fruit and bring it back to him.
The first guy gets back with three apples and the farmer tells him “if you can shove all three up your ass I’ll give you all the food you can eat, but if not I’m  gonna shoot you.”
He gets one up there, but just can’t do the second one so the farmer shoots him dead.
The second guy gets back with three cherries and the farmer gives him the same deal.
The man pops in the first one, the second one, and as he’s almost got the third one in he laughs and drops it, so the farmer shoots him dead.
Up in heaven the first guy says to the second “man what happened? You almost had it!”
The second guy replies “I couldn’t help it, I saw the last guy walking up with pineapples!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5hgl/three_guys_are_attempting_to_steal_fruit_from_a/
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Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying?

It was having a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5h5a/why_was_the_antivaxxers_3_year_old_crying/
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My father said now that I’m in 6th grade we should probably talk about sex

But in the end we agreed to just stay friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5gp1/my_father_said_now_that_im_in_6th_grade_we_should/
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"Doctor, I've severed my penis off; can you reattach it?"

Doctor: I can't help you with that, young man.
Man: What! Why not?
Doctor: I don't re-member.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5bjb/doctor_ive_severed_my_penis_off_can_you_reattach/
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With this new Space Force being stood up...

I’ve already been hearing that enlistment bonuses are going to be astronomical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s5a14/with_this_new_space_force_being_stood_up/
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Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?

Because he was too far out man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s57vy/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
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Why was the anti-vaxer's 4 year old crying?

They were having a midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s57cn/why_was_the_antivaxers_4_year_old_crying/
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I'm pretty sure somebody hid the final paragraph of my essay on the shelf I can't reach

but I don't want to jump to conclusions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s56dj/im_pretty_sure_somebody_hid_the_final_paragraph/
%
A man was standing at the bus stop.

Suddenly he saw a very fit-looking old man.
He went to the old man,and said-
Man-'Sir,you look very fit. What's the secret of your looking  so fit and young?'
Old man-'I smoke 30 cigars a day.
I drink 4-5 bottles of vodka daily,and I am a serious drug-addict.
And I hate doing exercise or Yoga.
Whenever I see someone going to gym or playground,I feel sick for them.
That's all I do'
Man(Extremely shocked and impressed)-'WOW Sir.That's unbelievable. By the way how old are you?'
Old man-'I will turn 25 this month'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s55vl/a_man_was_standing_at_the_bus_stop/
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The fastest thing in the world

Three old rednecks were sitting in their favorite bar. They'd been drinking for awhile when they started a lively debate on what the fastest thing in the world could be.
The first redneck says, "Well, I think the fastest thing in the world is thinking. 'Cause I can think 'bout a million thoughts just as fast as light'nin."
He nods as though to approve of his own superior reasoning, and then takes a satisfied swig of his beer.
The second redneck speaks up and says, "Naw man, that's where you're wrong. The fastest thing in the world is blinkin'. Hell, I can blink my eyes so fast I cain't even SEE it!"
He looks to the first redneck, gets a nod from him, and then sits back down, delighted in his own intelligence.
The third redneck slams his beer on the table and proclaims, "Both a' you's idiots! Ever'body knows the fastest thing in the world is 'lectricity! I can switch on this here light switch, and that light over thar on the other side of the building comes on the same exact time!"
Knowing he'd bested his two friends, the third redneck sat down, happy in the knowledge that he was clearly the smartest man in the room.
Unbeknownst to these three, an old codger sitting at the bar had been listening in on their lively debate. He stumbled off of his barstool, and swaggered over to their table where he announced, "Y'all 'bout some of the stupidest folks I ever done heard. Everybody knows the fastest thing in the world is diarrhea, 'cause the other morning, 'fore I could think, blink, OR turn the light on, I'd done shit my pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s52ue/the_fastest_thing_in_the_world/
%
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people.

Then it exploded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s4yz2/chuck_norris_threw_a_grenade_and_killed_50_people/
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I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s4yu7/i_never_wanted_to_believe_my_dad_was_stealing/
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What plant bears fruit & is afraid of lifelong commitment?

Cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s4v5c/what_plant_bears_fruit_is_afraid_of_lifelong/
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The notes A, C, and E walk into a bar at the same time.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve A Minor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s4r47/the_notes_a_c_and_e_walk_into_a_bar_at_the_same/
%
What happened to Post Malone after his unexpected death?

A Post Mortem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s4oca/what_happened_to_post_malone_after_his_unexpected/
%
So they're at a Job Interview...

And they've gotten to the point where the Job applicant is getting asked the important questions;
**Interviewer:** what would you say is your biggest flaw?
**Candidate:** my biggest flaw is probably that I'm too honest.
**Interviewer:** oh, that doesn't sound like much of a flaw at all
**Candidate:** well I don't give a fuck what you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s4n8o/so_theyre_at_a_job_interview/
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What do you call a bunch of Muslims on a low carb diet?

A Mosque-Keto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s4mcg/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_muslims_on_a_low_carb/
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What do you call a handsome young man who is very forgetful?

What was I saying again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s4l23/what_do_you_call_a_handsome_young_man_who_is_very/
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A twelve year old boy asks his dad what a vagina is?

The father says "That's what a woman's private area is, and that is where babies come from"
The boy asks "What's a beaver?", the father replies "That's just another name for it".
The boy then asks "What's a pussy", the father replies "That is just another name for the vagina, it's where babies come from"
The boy says "Dad, what's a cunt?"
The father says, "That's the rest of the woman"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s4ed0/a_twelve_year_old_boy_asks_his_dad_what_a_vagina/
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NASA was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.
After a few months of testing and training, he was ready for his first mission. The cat was to embark on a journey to Saturn's moon, Titan, to discover if life would be sustainable...
The rocket prepares for take off.
5...
.
4...
.
3...
.
2...
.
1...
.
BLAST OFF!!
.
UP
.
UP
.
Up
.
up
.
up
.
up
.
up
.
...and POW the cat bursts through Earth's atmosphere and begins his journey as the first feline in outer space.
A few weeks go by, and after a while the cat starts to get bored. He spots a red planet nearby, and although he tries to resist the temptation, he sets the shuttle on a new course. Before Houston could stop him, he lands on Mars.
Houston sends a probe to investigate what the hell the cat was up to and why he decided to venture so far off course.
The probe gets to Mars and finds tracks, which lead it to an area of wreckage and signs of a fight.
The cat is dead, flat as a pancake on the ground and a robot, once sent to explore Mars, had cat remains trodden into its tracks.
It was clear...Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s48z1/nasa_was_experimenting_with_different_animals_in/
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Onion is the only food that makes you cry

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s4596/onion_is_the_only_food_that_makes_you_cry/
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What happens to liars when they die?

They lie still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s4203/what_happens_to_liars_when_they_die/
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Me and my friend Kyle visited Berlin

When we visited the capital building, I shouted “See Kyle?” And pointed at the building.
I got arrested after that for no reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s40cl/me_and_my_friend_kyle_visited_berlin/
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Does anyone know any eye jokes?

The cornea the better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s3xdj/does_anyone_know_any_eye_jokes/
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A bank teller is confronted by an ugly man..

The man says: “Will you have sex with me for 500$? I throw it on the ground and fuck you until you pick it all up.” He then shows her five 100$ bills.
The woman responds: “I’ll have to think about it, come in tomorrow and I’ll tell you my decision.”
The man leaves and the woman heads home after her shift is over, when she gets home she calls her sister
Teller: “I don’t know what to do! I know he has the money but I couldn’t be quick enough!”
Sister: “He’s a dumbass! It’ll be quick, just pick up the money and you’ll be done before your pants are down!”
Teller: “fine, I’ll do it. I’ll cal you when it’s done”
The woman hangs up and goes to work the next day
After the tellers sister hasn’t heard from her she gets worried and calls her sister
Sister: “How did it go? How are you?”
Teller: “He’s still going! The son of a bitch brought pennies!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s3wth/a_bank_teller_is_confronted_by_an_ugly_man/
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I asked my priest if it might be a good idea to stop masturbating

##
## But he wouldn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s3viu/i_asked_my_priest_if_it_might_be_a_good_idea_to/
%
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada and after a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"
The barman says, "It's a moose."
The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s3u8t/this_scottish_bloke_goes_on_a_skiing_holiday_to/
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I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing swig of his beer.
He's only been sat down for a minute when a strange bloke sits down next to him.
"Do I know you?" asks the man.
"No" replies the stranger "But if I were you I'd get up and go and sit at the other free table near the back."
"Why would I want to do that?" says the man.
"Because I can see the future and I'm telling you that a lorry is going to smash through these doors in two minutes and destroy this table we're sat at, and you, if you don't move."
With that, the stranger gets up and goes to stand by the bar, a good few meters away.
The man initially thinks this blokes a weirdo, but after a moment, decides it couldn't hurt to move, if only to get a bit further away from the strange bloke.
He takes his seat at his new table, has a drink of his pint, but before he can put his beer back down, a lorry comes smashing in through the entrance and totally wipes out the table he was sitting at only two minutes earlier. Just like the stranger said. Every other table in the pub is fine apart from the one he just left.
Feeling shaken, he goes up to the stranger and says "Thank you so much for telling me to move, but how the fuck did you know that was going to happen?"
"Like I said before, I can see the future" replied the stranger with a shrug.
"That's amazing, could you teach me how to see the future too?" asks the man.
"I could....but it's not easy. It took me years to learn. I will teach you.  But you'd have to be fully committed.  You'd have to follow my instructions to the letter or I'm afraid it simply wouldn't work.  Are you sure you want to learn?"
"Absolutely,  one hundred percent." says the man.  "I can't wait to be able to see the future myself"
The stranger hands him a slip of paper with an address and tells him to be there at midnight tonight.
With that the stranger leaves, and still shaken, but with a growing excitement,  the man goes home, eagerly awaiting the beginning of his training.
At midnight, the man arrives at the address he was given, and knocks on the door. The stranger answers and with a straight face asks if he is ready to begin.
"Yes, I'm raring to get started. Let's do it."
"Excellent, follow me. We'll have you seeing the future in no time, but again, you have to do exactly as I tell you or it won't work".
The man follows the stranger inside, and is led down a narrow staircase into a cellar.
The cellar is furnished with only a small table and a simple lightbulb hanging overhead.
"OK, go ahead and undress, and pop your clothes on the table there please" says the stranger.
Feeling like this is a bit off to say the least the man says "Is this really necessary?  I don't see how this will help".
"I told you" said the stranger "Do as I say or I guarantee it won't work. Do you want to learn how to see the future or not?"
"OK, OK,  I'm sorry.  I really do.  I won't question you again" says the man.
He proceeds to strip naked and puts his clothes on the table as instructed.
The stranger then says " Very good,  I can see you do indeed want to learn. Now go ahead and bend over and grab your ankles for me please."
The man does as is asked. The stranger then takes out a roll of duct tape and tapes the man's hands and wrists to his ankles, and then walks behind him out of view. Bent over, with his arse in the air, the man tells himself there must be a good reason for this, and it will all be worth it when he gains the knowledge of seeing the future.
At that moment, the man hears what can only be the sound of the stranger unzipping his fly.
"Oh fuck, you're going to bum me, aren't you?!" asks the man in a panic.
The stranger replies "See? It's working already!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s3u3s/i_can_see_the_future/
%
Paedophiles never win races

That's because they like to come in a little behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s3s34/paedophiles_never_win_races/
%
Ukrainian Police joke

Cop asks his sergeant:
\- So, why did you not become commissioner?
\- You know, I wasn't smart enough.
\- Strange. That's usually a plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s3rs0/ukrainian_police_joke/
%
What is a cheap circumcision called?

A ripoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s3l0m/what_is_a_cheap_circumcision_called/
%
I hate driving through tunnels [OC]

They're always so dark and scary. My hands always start shaking whenever I'm driving through one with my mates.
I think I have carpool tunnel syndrome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s3g20/i_hate_driving_through_tunnels_oc/
%
My Uncle said he didn't need to breathe for the rest of his life. I said that it was impossible, he proved me wrong.

He stopped breathing for 10 minutes and died. I owe him 20$.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s3fd7/my_uncle_said_he_didnt_need_to_breathe_for_the/
%
Man, after joining a Biker Gang: Do we or don’t we ride our bikes at the same speed?

Biker: Yes, we do. But stop calling it “synchronizing our cycles.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s3ek3/man_after_joining_a_biker_gang_do_we_or_dont_we/
%
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise.

-Cole's Law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s3c06/any_leftover_cabbage_can_and_will_be_shredded_and/
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What do you call cattle that don't have courage?

Cowards.
*Thanks folks, I wrote this when I was 7 years old!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s3bn8/what_do_you_call_cattle_that_dont_have_courage/
%
Priest

A bunch of highschool students was about to get blessings from their local priest.
The priest asked the first girl "have you ever touched a penis?" The girl answered that she had indeed touched one with her index finger, the priest asked the girl to wash her finger in the holy water after which he gave her his blessing.
He asked the next girl in the line the same question, this girl answered that she had indeed touched one with her whole hand. The priest then told her to wash it in the holy water aswell..
As the girl washed her hand, he noticed a commotion in the back of the line, a girl was rushing towards the alter
"What's going on?" The priest asked confused
"Well, if i'm supposed to gargle that water, then i'm gonna do it before karen washes her ass in it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s3aff/priest/
%
How many prison guards does it take to throw an inmate down a flight of stairs?

None, he fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s33oz/how_many_prison_guards_does_it_take_to_throw_an/
%
Why are semen donations more expensive than blood donations?

Because they're handmade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s2z93/why_are_semen_donations_more_expensive_than_blood/
%
Did you read the Oedipus / King Midas crossover fanfic?

*Motherfucking gold!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s2v9r/did_you_read_the_oedipus_king_midas_crossover/
%
Just came back from Dubai where a sheik offered me 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but who could resist a bargain like that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s2v6j/just_came_back_from_dubai_where_a_sheik_offered/
%
Why do prostitutes never seem to settle down?

They are always cumming and going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s2ht7/why_do_prostitutes_never_seem_to_settle_down/
%
An aspiring thief once entered a theatre...

He stole the spotlight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s2fja/an_aspiring_thief_once_entered_a_theatre/
%
Daddy, I've just seen two fairies at the bottom of the garden

Humouring her I said, "Really, what were they doing?"
She said, "Sucking each other's cocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s2fb0/daddy_ive_just_seen_two_fairies_at_the_bottom_of/
%
Went to give a sperm sample the other day the nurse asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup

I said thanks but I don't think I'm ready for a competition yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s2etj/went_to_give_a_sperm_sample_the_other_day_the/
%
Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs.

Just 5 minutes more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s2e5z/scientists_have_discovered_exactly_how_much_sleep/
%
I don't understand people who pickpocket midgets

How could they stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s274u/i_dont_understand_people_who_pickpocket_midgets/
%
A tribesmen goes to his local Witch Doctor

TM: "I have a problem, i think i have that HIV thing that the villagers keep talking about"
WD: "What makes you think that? pretty sure the only cases so far are from the monkeys"
TM: "Im sure of it"
WD: "OK, well you must have been eating the monkeys then, you know it's against the rules to eat them right?"
TM: "Oh absolutely, i definitely haven't been eating them"
WD: "Are you sure because you'll have to be punished if you have been"
TM: "Absolutely not, i would never eat the monkeys"
WD: "Well you've either been eating them or fucking them.."
TM: "Yep definitely been eating them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s26xt/a_tribesmen_goes_to_his_local_witch_doctor/
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Restocking the vegetables...

A grocer is restocking the vegetables when a woman taps him on the shoulder and says “Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?” The man replies “Well ma’am we’re out of broccoli today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then.” The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks “Sir, I was wondering where I could find the broccoli?” Confused, the grocer says “Well ma’am we are out of broccoli today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow.”
The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks “Pardon me, but do you know where the broccoli is?” The grocer looks at her angrily and says “Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” The woman replies “D-O-G” “Okay” says the grocer. “Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?” “C-A-T” says the woman. “Perfect” the grocer replies. “Now how do you spell fuck, like in broccoli?” Confused, the woman says “But, there is no fuck in broccoli.” The grocer says “THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YA LADY! THERE’S NO FUCKIN’ BROCCOLI!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s24qz/restocking_the_vegetables/
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Whatever you do, don't buy anything from eBay seller xx_Anna_xx

My wife bought a crocodile skin handbag from her. When the bag arrived, turned out to be snake skin... Anna conned her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s2430/whatever_you_do_dont_buy_anything_from_ebay/
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Germany sets a new record in the world cups.

They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s23lv/germany_sets_a_new_record_in_the_world_cups/
%
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?

A reptile disfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s1yds/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_that_cant_change/
%
Goodbye boiled water

you will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s1xfv/goodbye_boiled_water/
%
I recently got a job at a Vegetable farm.

It's hard work, but the celery's nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s1vt3/i_recently_got_a_job_at_a_vegetable_farm/
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If porn has taught me anything

It's that detention is not a punishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s1s5j/if_porn_has_taught_me_anything/
%
Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days of the week?

Because Monday through Friday are weekdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s1pre/why_are_saturday_and_sunday_the_strongest_days_of/
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How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s1jnl/how_do_you_make_a_tissue_dance/
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*HR Manager in Heaven!*

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Manager was hit by a bus and she died.
Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was greeted by God himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said God.
"Well, what we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules."
And with that God put the HR Manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out into the hell with a beautiful golf course. And a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. they talked about old times.
She met the Devil who was really a nice guy and she was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found God waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and God came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So God escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and said:
...
...
...
....
....
*"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an employee".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s1fy5/hr_manager_in_heaven/
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What’s the difference between England and tea?

Tea stays longer in a cup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s1dsd/whats_the_difference_between_england_and_tea/
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My #2 favorite international bread is pita

It's second to Naan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s194s/my_2_favorite_international_bread_is_pita/
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How do you put a fence around reddit?

First you put up one post, the you repost then repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s1933/how_do_you_put_a_fence_around_reddit/
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Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter. There was a problem though – everything the princess touched would melt. It didn’t matter what it was made of: metal, wood, stone… anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.” The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth.
Three young princes took the challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds were the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard.
She pulled her hand away and opened it for the crowd to see. In it was a small pile of m&m's. The prince, overcome by joy, threw his hands into the air and screamed, "THEY MELT IN YOUR MOUTH NOT YOUR HAND!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s16to/once_upon_a_time_there_lived_a_king/
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My son broke my only glasses out of anger

I could never look at him the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s15wp/my_son_broke_my_only_glasses_out_of_anger/
%
What is a foot long and slippery?

A slipper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s15fk/what_is_a_foot_long_and_slippery/
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A blonde and a brunette are out shopping one day

And they happen to see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. The brunette says, "Aww man. He's out buying me flowers again. Sigh, this sucks." The blonde replies, "What's the matter? I thought you liked flowers? Last time you said it was a nice, thoughtful, out-of-the-blue gesture?" "Oh no, that's not the problem. I just hate feeling obligated after to have my legs up in the air for a few days because of it." The blonde asks, "Don't you have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s14mf/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_out_shopping_one_day/
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Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?

They had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s13t5/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_who_couldnt/
%
A father's day joke

Father: Anthony, do you think I am a bad father?
Son: My name is Paul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s0why/a_fathers_day_joke/
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I read on a newspaper about video games...

I was reading a newspaper and i saw an interesting title about video games: “You should not spend more than 5 hours a week playing video games” it said.
At first i thought it meant 5 hours a day but then i realized that i am wrong and it is really saying 5 hours a week.
According to what i read, i decided to make some new changes in my life, so i decided not to read newspaper again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s0vwq/i_read_on_a_newspaper_about_video_games/
%
A string walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign that says "no strings allowed".

So the string goes outside, ties himself up, messes up his hair and comes back into the bar. The bartender yells "aren't you that string I just kicked out?" The string replies "I'm a frayed knot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s0mak/a_string_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender/
%
A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says,
"Are you gonna bite them or what?"
"Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s0l9p/a_guy_was_walking_down_the_street_when_he_sees_a/
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A newly-wed couple move in together

Cynthia had known that Andrew was obsessed with football ("soccer"), but she hadn't realised just how much. Andrew spent hours every day watching games, reading commentary, and analysing player stats. As she did not care much for the sport, Cynthia was hoping to convince him to spend more time with her.
"Andrew?" she called to him. "Let's do something together."
No response. Andrew was clearly immersed in the intense game that was unfolding on the television screen.
Frustrated that this process was repeating itself for weeks, Cynthia left the house to spend the night at her parents'. When she arrived, she found her father watching the same football game.
"Where's mum?" she asked.
"She's at your grandparents'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s0kgg/a_newlywed_couple_move_in_together/
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A blonde calls the fire department

"My house is on fire, my house is on fire!!"
Fire Chef: " Well how do we get there?"
Blonde: " Duh... big red truck..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s0isu/a_blonde_calls_the_fire_department/
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Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s0fw3/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
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A guy walk up to a bar with two women

and says "you ladies from Scotland?
They give him a dirty look and say "Wales"
"Oh I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s0eia/a_guy_walk_up_to_a_bar_with_two_women/
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An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,
"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."
"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.
The Communist then turns to another friend.
"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."
"No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven" says Petya.
"Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day."
"Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace" says Misha.
"Thank you so much guys for being with me throughout all these years" says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon and a complete dick."
His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says.
"And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass."
Just as his friends were about to say something, the old communist took his last breath and died.
So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting:
"Open up, it's the KGB. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s095y/an_old_russian_communist_is_on_his_deathbed/
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There were two whales at a bar.

The first whale says to the second (make whale noises until everyone is a little uncomfortable).
Then the second whale says back to the first (inhale sharply), "Go home Frank. You're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s08rq/there_were_two_whales_at_a_bar/
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How many dragon Ball characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

.
.
.
One, but it takes 12 episodes.
*twisting slowly*
Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.......
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s0559/how_many_dragon_ball_characters_does_it_take_to/
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Being in a wheelchair and trying to get ready in the mirror in the worst.

I cant stand to look at myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8s0246/being_in_a_wheelchair_and_trying_to_get_ready_in/
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Let’s start a religious fitness training group. We can call it

Jehovah’s Fitness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzzd1/lets_start_a_religious_fitness_training_group_we/
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This is your captain speaking,

**AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzx1y/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
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An Amish girl riding with her mom

An Amish girl is riding with her mom in a cart when she turns to her mom
"mom my hands sure are cold"
"well put them between your legs that'll warm them up"
So the girl does and her hands warm up. The next day the girl is riding with her boyfriend and he says "boy my hands are cold"
"well put them between my legs that'll warm them up" so he does. After a while he says "boy my nose is cold"
"well put it between my legs" so he does.
The next day the girl asks her mom "mom, do you know what a penis is?"
"well yes I do..."
"boy do they make a mess when they thaw out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzwt5/an_amish_girl_riding_with_her_mom/
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I’m selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50

Issue: the owner is calling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzu9m/im_selling_an_almost_brand_new_iphone_x_with_a/
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Am I a submissive guy?

You tell me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzoju/am_i_a_submissive_guy/
%
A Texan oil tycoon storms into his lawyers office...

Demanding that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzodo/a_texan_oil_tycoon_storms_into_his_lawyers_office/
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I found out some sad news today. My German teacher passed away.

Au revoir, amigo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzo1w/i_found_out_some_sad_news_today_my_german_teacher/
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What do neckbeards like on their hotdogs?

M’stard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rznw3/what_do_neckbeards_like_on_their_hotdogs/
%
There was this tramp

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake.  She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water.
Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl.  He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years.  I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich!  I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!!  You'll *never* get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find.  There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop.
"I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"
"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"
The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting.
*************************
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the gangplank.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that our man the tramp is correct.
"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you.  Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start.  It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! The tramp had *never* in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like this.
First they went doen through the first class level:
Oriental carpets - 6" pile.
A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall.
Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair.
24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class:
As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep.
and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class,
down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with, a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..."
"Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep.  So that's what the alarm clock is for.  Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time.  Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool.  He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived....
...and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen ...."
He broke off.
"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.
"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers.  I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man.
For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain came to talk.
"O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days.  We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"O.K." agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived.  The ship was humming with excitement.  Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.
Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do."
And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb....
up and up ...
up and up ...
higher and higher ...
below him the ship grew smaller ...
up and up ...
on and on ...
past a solitary albatross ...
and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ...
still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began to shrink...
and higher, ever higher ...
on and on ....
higher, and higher, and on and on towards the diving board,
He climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and then...
he jumped .
slowly at first
but speeding up
faster, and faster
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,
the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster...
past the albatross,
faster
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL..........
SMASH!  into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping....
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
HERO!  WONDERFUL!  AMAZING!  BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT!
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have *NEVER* seen anything like that, *EVER*. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen"
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on:
"But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:
"Well you see I'm a poor tramp so you must understand...
I've been through many a hardship in my life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rznt9/there_was_this_tramp/
%
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day...

to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."
She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises.
"Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."
"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
"Now why were you laughing?" she asked.
"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.
"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzlnu/three_sisters_decided_to_get_married_on_the_same/
%
A man was in a terrible accident...

and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzjbt/a_man_was_in_a_terrible_accident/
%
I don't think I could handle making love outdoors.

I heard its fucking in tents.
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzg04/i_dont_think_i_could_handle_making_love_outdoors/
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Cersei and Jamie walk into a bar

Cersei: "You needn't pay for my drinks you know"
Jamie: "Oh no, I incest"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzdg6/cersei_and_jamie_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Important PSA!!

I just wanted to make sure everyone was aware of this scam:
I was leaving the Wal-Mart on Main Street the other day and as I walked to my car, two gorgeous 18-year old girls approached me with a sob story about their car breaking down and needing a ride back to their place. Naturally I couldn’t turn them down. When I got them back to their place, they insisted on thanking me with a drink. I tried to decline but they wouldn’t budge.
As soon as I got into their apartment, they were all over me. There was nothing I could do, there were two of them! Before I knew it, they had stripped me naked and were having their way with me! First it was one of them, then the other, then both at the same time! When all was done, I got dressed and left. It wasn’t till I got back home that I realized that while I was busy with one of them the other had stolen my wallet!
Anyway, this is just a heads up: Wal-Mart has wallets for as little as $5. I’ve already been robbed three times this week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzcz3/important_psa/
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#METOO

Many adults still read the symbol # as ‘pound,’ not ‘hashtag’ so imagine their surprise to learn a movement meant to bring awareness to sexual assault and harassment was named ‘pound me too,’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzcxb/metoo/
%
I feel severely let down by two people in my life.

My father, my mother, and my mathematics teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzcf7/i_feel_severely_let_down_by_two_people_in_my_life/
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

After that, who cares? He's a mile away, and you've got his shoes.
\-- Billy Connolly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rzbt8/before_you_judge_a_man_walk_a_mile_in_his_shoes/
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Hindus and vegans must be great friends

they never have beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rz3su/hindus_and_vegans_must_be_great_friends/
%
I have a lot of work to do in the morgue today.

There's a new deadline I need to meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rz1yt/i_have_a_lot_of_work_to_do_in_the_morgue_today/
%
What does a mermaid use to clean her tail?

Tide!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ryzx2/what_does_a_mermaid_use_to_clean_her_tail/
%
Two breast implants were arguing. After very insulting comment the other replied:

”That was so low, now you’re making an ass of yourself.”
OC. Using my time on the train productively. Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ryzlx/two_breast_implants_were_arguing_after_very/
%
The entrance exam for medical college had just one question

“ if a young woman faints ,the first thing you need to do is to feel her P U - S - .”
Those who answered PULSE , passed and the rest are reading this joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ryzkl/the_entrance_exam_for_medical_college_had_just/
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My daughter is at the age where she's asking me really embarrassing questions about sex.

This morning she asked me "Is that the best you can do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ryx48/my_daughter_is_at_the_age_where_shes_asking_me/
%
Why did the starship captain buy a sub-lightspeed propulsion system that he didn't need?

It was an impulse purchase.
For anyone who isn't aware, this is a star trek fathers day joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ryv9e/why_did_the_starship_captain_buy_a_sublightspeed/
%
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN

Ha! I just foiled your plan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ryrdd/plan_papnlaln/
%
My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ryp86/my_uncle_was_the_first_man_to_be_fitted_with_a/
%
Scientists have recently discovered a new bioluminescent bug that performs a strange dance any time there is a full moon.

They are calling it a Raving Luna Tick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rylud/scientists_have_recently_discovered_a_new/
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Your mind is like Chrome

13 open tabs, 3 frozen.  And you don’t know where the music is coming from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ryhqf/your_mind_is_like_chrome/
%
A wife and her husband are planning their family, the topic of gender comes up and the wife says: "Men are from mars, Women are from Venus, what do we want my dear?"

Husband: "I'm pretty sure they're both going to come from somewhere closer to Uranus, honey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rygfl/a_wife_and_her_husband_are_planning_their_family/
%
The best joke in the universe

is out there somwhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ryf8a/the_best_joke_in_the_universe/
%
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window...

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ryeet/since_it_started_raining_all_my_wife_has_done_is/
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What is the difference between Germany and the bermuda triangle?

The bermuda triangle has three points.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rybkr/what_is_the_difference_between_germany_and_the/
%
Daffy Duck is a massive tit.

If his initials are anything to go by.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ry8an/daffy_duck_is_a_massive_tit/
%
What happens when a Norwegian robot scans a bird?

It Scandanavian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ry6m0/what_happens_when_a_norwegian_robot_scans_a_bird/
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I grew up in a town where the population never changed…

Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ry2do/i_grew_up_in_a_town_where_the_population_never/
%
My math teacher had a terrible constipation problem...

but he worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ry1vd/my_math_teacher_had_a_terrible_constipation/
%
When does a joke turn into a ‘dad’ joke?

Whenever the punchline is apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rxys7/when_does_a_joke_turn_into_a_dad_joke/
%
What did the Japanese chef say to his son when he brought back his girlfriend?

“Sushi’s the one?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rxyg5/what_did_the_japanese_chef_say_to_his_son_when_he/
%
I just watched a documentary about anorexia.

The research was a little thin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rxxkg/i_just_watched_a_documentary_about_anorexia/
%
Coffee and a Blowjob.

A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers on board a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane “Bob”. The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same – rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain’s voice came on over the intercom: “Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn’t it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I’m happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today’s flight crew, I’d like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.”
After a short pause and several clicks:
“Jesus Christ – whadda bitchin’ ride. Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now.”
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called out after her, “Don’t forget the coffee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rxxen/coffee_and_a_blowjob/
%
I have sex roughly once a week.

The other six times are much more romantic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rxsk4/i_have_sex_roughly_once_a_week/
%
BILL

A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?" The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rxs7n/bill/
%
I walked into a pet shop.

I said, "Have you got any bird cages for my son?"
He said, "What sort were you thinking?"
I said, "I don't care, as long as he can't get out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rxp8r/i_walked_into_a_pet_shop/
%
“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rxm9v/back_in_the_day_my_grandfather_started_to_say_you/
%
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

I thought, fuck me, I might win this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rxkve/a_charity_worker_stopped_me_in_the_street_and/
%
I never believed wearing orthopaedic shoes would help my posture.

But now I stand corrected...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rxjk5/i_never_believed_wearing_orthopaedic_shoes_would/
%
Germany lost 1-0 in Russia.

This is actually an improvement, last time Germany went to Russia they lost half their country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rxiqv/germany_lost_10_in_russia/
%
Yo momma so ugly...

...when she gives someone head, it qualifies as anal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rxhym/yo_momma_so_ugly/
%
What do you call a guy who goes around looking through windows?

windows explorer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rxd0f/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_goes_around_looking/
%
Why did the scientist try to genetically sequence his chicken sandwich?

He wanted to make it crispr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rxabp/why_did_the_scientist_try_to_genetically_sequence/
%
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.  "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."  She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rx98h/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_blonde_woman_last_night/
%
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day...

A woman asked me if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rx8x9/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_my_very_first_day/
%
I don’t know who Ivan Pavlov was,

But the name rings a bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rx3ly/i_dont_know_who_ivan_pavlov_was/
%
My wife said I’m lucky to be married to a trophy wife.

I said to her, they giving out last place trophies?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rx2oe/my_wife_said_im_lucky_to_be_married_to_a_trophy/
%
2 cops walk into a bar....

I don't know what happened after that. I got the fuck outta there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rwxt8/2_cops_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Before too long, President Trump will be the most polite guy ever.

He'll be saying, "Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rwx9k/before_too_long_president_trump_will_be_the_most/
%
What do you call a bird with a small dick?

A Pea-cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rwpnf/what_do_you_call_a_bird_with_a_small_dick/
%
I spent a few hours by my wifes grave today

She thinks I'm digging a pond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rwntb/i_spent_a_few_hours_by_my_wifes_grave_today/
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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth

The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. "Your son is just a head!"
But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rwn3o/a_man_is_waiting_for_his_wife_to_give_birth/
%
Interviewer: What is your favorite sex phrase?

Pastor: Are you ready kids!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rwmsa/interviewer_what_is_your_favorite_sex_phrase/
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Why WW2 started

Hitler had started WW2 after a breakup with his Polish girlfriend.
She didn't want to see him anymore, so Hitler said,
"Well, I'm Nazi'ing you anymore!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rwjqb/why_ww2_started/
%
Scientists have developed a new, more efficient process for smelting aluminum.

They were thinking outside the bauxite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rwfhk/scientists_have_developed_a_new_more_efficient/
%
Transfer to Hell

John dies and finds himself in Heaven. At first things are great; rivers of honey and love everywhere. But eventually John gets bored and on one of his peaceful walks, stumbles upon a sign announcing a trip into Hell. Curious, he boards the train.
Once in Hell, it’s all prostitues, cocaine and parties. Astonished, upon his return to Heaven, John is first in line for the next trip. This time around, same deal: girls, drugs, parties.
As soon as he is once again back to Heaven, he goes straight to St Peter.
“I want to transfer to Hell”, says John.
“Are you sure John?”, goes St Peter. “What about the honey? What about the love?”
“I want to transfer to Hell”, repeats John.
St Peter signs off on the procedure and shortly after John is well on his way to Hell. Once through the door however, he is immediately thrown onto a pitchfork and slowly roasted over a fire.
“Whoa!”, goes John. “Whats going on? I was just here the other day.  Where did the hookers go? Where’s the blow?”
“Well John”, said the Devil with a coy smile, “back then you were a tourist, now you’re an immigrant.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rwduw/transfer_to_hell/
%
I’m on a whiskey diet...

I’ve lost three days already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rwdrq/im_on_a_whiskey_diet/
%
My friend went to the doctor to have a large mole removed from his penis.

The doctors said that if this happens again, they are calling the cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rwd94/my_friend_went_to_the_doctor_to_have_a_large_mole/
%
A termite walks into a bar and asks...

"Is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rwayq/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
%
You shouldn't talk bad about illiterate people...

You should write it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rw9by/you_shouldnt_talk_bad_about_illiterate_people/
%
How did Jesus Christ pay for our sins?

He used PrayPal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rvwib/how_did_jesus_christ_pay_for_our_sins/
%
Why are kids from the capital of Belgium always so tall?

Because people from Brussels sprout!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rvunf/why_are_kids_from_the_capital_of_belgium_always/
%
Why do people with asthma prefer to be cremated when they die?

Because they hate coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rvsxy/why_do_people_with_asthma_prefer_to_be_cremated/
%
The waiter says: Sorry, we don't serve particles faster than light.

A superluminal particle walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rvry1/the_waiter_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_particles/
%
What is a slow moving ice cream truck called?

A sundae driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rvrm7/what_is_a_slow_moving_ice_cream_truck_called/
%
What do you call it when someone gets their whole face tattooed?

An everlasting job stopper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rvqp6/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_gets_their_whole/
%
Senior discounts are kind of like

early going away presents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rvnb1/senior_discounts_are_kind_of_like/
%
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot?

Mitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rvl4c/what_did_the_cell_say_when_his_sister_stepped_on/
%
A three legged dog walks into a bar

He says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Happy Father's day to all you dads of Reddit :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rvjos/a_three_legged_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
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Father’s Day Dad joke. What does a monkey wear while cooking?

An ape-ron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rvdhm/fathers_day_dad_joke_what_does_a_monkey_wear/
%
You can hear the blood in your veins

If you listen varicosely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rv59h/you_can_hear_the_blood_in_your_veins/
%
I have a joke about unemployment...

But I'm afraid it might not work...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rv4jh/i_have_a_joke_about_unemployment/
%
Interviewer: How do you explain the five-year gap on your resume?

Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale.
Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired.
Me: Yay, I got a yob!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rv3fb/interviewer_how_do_you_explain_the_fiveyear_gap/
%
Why can't pigeons have a military?

Because the risk of a coup is too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rv2oa/why_cant_pigeons_have_a_military/
%
A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard

when he heard someone sobbing. He turned down a row of headstones to see a man kneeling in front of a grave and wailing.
"How could you do this to me?! ?" He cried. "I can't eat, I can't sleep, every second is agony!  Why didn't you say anything?!" he paused when he noticed he wasn't alone.
"I'm sorry for your loss." the groundskeeper said awkwardly.  "You must miss your wife terribly."
"My wife?" The kneeling man said through his tears.
"This grave belongs to her first husband!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rv2la/a_groundskeeper_was_walking_through_a_graveyard/
%
My watch fell into the toilet.

I'm having a real crappy time now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rv03d/my_watch_fell_into_the_toilet/
%
I need to re-home a dog.

It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ruz3a/i_need_to_rehome_a_dog/
%
The police station was burglarized. The burglars stole the toilet seat.

Police have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ruz37/the_police_station_was_burglarized_the_burglars/
%
At a wedding.

I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''
... "I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ruy6e/at_a_wedding/
%
If god hadn't intended us to eat animals...

...he wouldn't have made them out of food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ruwxl/if_god_hadnt_intended_us_to_eat_animals/
%
A weasel walks into a bar

The bartender says “We don’t see too many of your kind in here. What’ll you have?”
“Pop.” Goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ruv97/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ruthw/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
Why was the cow broke, despite being a full time waitress?

Nobody tipped her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rur0l/why_was_the_cow_broke_despite_being_a_full_time/
%
Co-Workers are like Christmas Lights

they all hang together, but half of them don’t work and the other half isn’t as bright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ruqcd/coworkers_are_like_christmas_lights/
%
What did the bull say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.
Happy fathers day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rupjf/what_did_the_bull_say_to_his_son_when_he_left_for/
%
DJ Khaled's favorite number is 11

because it has another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rumkh/dj_khaleds_favorite_number_is_11/
%
I just saw a strip club across the street from a mini-golf place. Now, I'm pretty liberal, but I think that's taking it too far.

What if you're trying to enjoy a nice afternoon out with your family, but when you leave, your kids have to watch a bunch of losers playing mini-golf?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rulme/i_just_saw_a_strip_club_across_the_street_from_a/
%
A cop pulls over a speeding driver...

"Do you know why I pulled the over?" The cop asks the driver. The driver responds: "yeah I was going a little fast there." The cop nods and says "well I'm in a good mood today so if you give me a good reason for why you're speeding, I'll let you go ." The man thinks for a second and then says: "my wife ran off with a cop a few weeks ago, and when I saw the red lights flashing, I thought he was trying to give her back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ruju1/a_cop_pulls_over_a_speeding_driver/
%
I named my eraser Confidence...

Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ruhqw/i_named_my_eraser_confidence/
%
I hate when people ask how I see myself in 5 years

do they think i dont own mirrors at home or what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rufn0/i_hate_when_people_ask_how_i_see_myself_in_5_years/
%
What’s great about fucking a blind girl

She’ll never see you coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ru8vz/whats_great_about_fucking_a_blind_girl/
%
What’s Peter Pan’s favorite drug?

Roofie-ooooooooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ru6v5/whats_peter_pans_favorite_drug/
%
Why did Cinderella choke?

She got to the ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ru57g/why_did_cinderella_choke/
%
A man was installing an electric circuit in my house.

He said, 'Do you mind if I dip this thin metal thread into my coloured fluid?'
'Why the fuck would I care?' I asked.
He said, 'I'm only ink wiring.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ru4d6/a_man_was_installing_an_electric_circuit_in_my/
%
A couple of guys stole hundreds of cans of Red Bull from our neighborhood store.

I don’t know how they can sleep at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rtvjf/a_couple_of_guys_stole_hundreds_of_cans_of_red/
%
When you go to a French-Afghani fusion restaurant...

...but you can't decide between the lamb burger  or l'hamburger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rtuoj/when_you_go_to_a_frenchafghani_fusion_restaurant/
%
A man goes to confession after a round of golf...

Man: Father, I took the Lord's name in vain while out golfing today.
Priest: That's ok, my son, golf is a frustrating sport, and we all slip up from time to time.
Man: No, no, I would really feel better if I could atone for my sin.
Priest: Well then by all means, tell my what happened.
Man: Well, I teed off on 14th hole and shanked the ball into the rough.
Priest: I can understand why that would frustrate you.
Man: no, that's not what did it. I hit the ball out of the rough, and as it was in the air, wouldn't you know, it hit a bird midflight and landed in the woods.
Priest: Ah, and that's what caused you to blaspheme?
Man: no, not yet. My next shot, I hit it and it hit a branch and ricocheted into a sand trap.
Priest: who among us wouldn't lose our temper at that?
Man: no, no. I kept my cool after that shot. But then I hit it out of the trap and onto the green and it rolled 4 feet within the hole-
Priest: Jesus Christ, you didn't miss a 4-foot putt did you?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rtu3b/a_man_goes_to_confession_after_a_round_of_golf/
%
I got arrested for robbing a prosthetic store.

I decided to fight the charges. The way I see it, they don't have a leg to stand on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rtrzr/i_got_arrested_for_robbing_a_prosthetic_store/
%
What does a pile of bricks and a fat chick have in common?

They both probably gonna get laid by some Mexican

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rtrr7/what_does_a_pile_of_bricks_and_a_fat_chick_have/
%
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Unless he's a Vegetarian.
Then you get there through his vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rtpa8/the_way_to_a_mans_heart_is_through_his_stomach/
%
A great weekend

Friday, the husband enthusiastically turns to his wife and proposes:
*Honey, do you want to have a wonderful and awesome weekend?*
She immediately answers:
*Of course my love!!!*
Great, see you next Monday, bye!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rtnil/a_great_weekend/
%
My wife asked how you could tell if spaghetti was done, so I said throw it against the wall. If it sticks, it’s done.

Imagine my surprise when I went into the kitchen to find sauce all over the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rtm6w/my_wife_asked_how_you_could_tell_if_spaghetti_was/
%
A grape is kidnapped and dies of dehydration

At the funeral, the wife of the grape asks if the policegrape has any leads, to which he responds.
"I'm sorry Ma'am, I can't comment on currant investigations"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rtllt/a_grape_is_kidnapped_and_dies_of_dehydration/
%
Sometimes I tell dad jokes...

...and sometimes he laughs.
Happy Father’s Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rtlgy/sometimes_i_tell_dad_jokes/
%
What do you call an amputee learning karate?

Partial arts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rtkan/what_do_you_call_an_amputee_learning_karate/
%
The fastest chicken

There was once a mountain village in which a certain chicken had unparalleled speed. It boasted to be even quicker than demonic beasts. The owner often bragged to people, saying that his chicken was the fastest.”
A rich man came to the village and fell in love with the chicken at first sight. Speaking to the owner, he stated, “I will give you two hundred thousand taels of silver to sell me the chicken.”
The owner replied, “I’m not selling.”
The rich man replied, “Five hundred thousand.”
The owner seemed unwilling as he replied, “I’m not selling.”
The rich man got nervous after hearing that answer, and made a final offer of one million taels of silver. Although the heart of the owner was moved, he still replied, “I’m not selling.”
The rich guy angrily exclaimed, “It’s only a chicken. You aren’t willing to sell it even for one million taels of silver? Is there something wrong with your brain?”
In the end, the owner helplessly replied, “I would, but I can’t catch it…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rtjvn/the_fastest_chicken/
%
Whata the difference between a ginger and a brick?

Bricks get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rtg6l/whata_the_difference_between_a_ginger_and_a_brick/
%
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. One day a bottle washes up and of course there is a genie in it who pops out and grants them one wish each.

The brunette says " that's easy - I wish to go home" and POOF her wish was granted.
The redhead is next and says "I wish I was at home" and POOF her wish is granted.
The genie looks at the blond and she says  "I can't decide... I wish my friends were here to help me..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rtcn8/a_blond_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stranded_on/
%
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were trapped on an island...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were trapped on an island and the only way to escape to civilization was to swim off the island.
The brunette decides she will go first, she swims 1/4 of the way there, gets exhausted and drowns.
The redhead decides to go next a bit more athletic is able to swim 1/2 the way there but gets exhausted and drowns.
Finally the blonde takes her turn, swims 3/4 of the way there. She begins to feel tired so swims back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rt8kh/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_were_trapped_on/
%
Fathers Day Joke

A small boy was at the zoo with his father.  They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.
“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”
“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.
“ …Which bus would I take home?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rt7bk/fathers_day_joke/
%
Two blondes find themselves on opposite banks of a river.

One yells across the river, "Tell me how to get to the other side!"
The other replies, "You're already there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rt6x0/two_blondes_find_themselves_on_opposite_banks_of/
%
I always carrying a flashlight when I'm spelunking

Just in caves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rt4cf/i_always_carrying_a_flashlight_when_im_spelunking/
%
Just another round of Union negotiations . .

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!” There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. “Wow,” he said. “Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rt45u/just_another_round_of_union_negotiations/
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A dolphin graduated from college with a philosophy major.

He thought, "what's my porpoise now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rt02b/a_dolphin_graduated_from_college_with_a/
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A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day

He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.
The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."
His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it."
The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the pickle slicer."
The woman stifles a laugh tells her husband not to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
A few weeks go by, and the man only wants to put his penis in the pickle slicer more and more, so he goes to his manager, to ask for help, and the manager refers him to an occupational therapist and gives him some time off. Nothing helps though, the therapist refers him to a real psychologist, hoping that maybe they can cure this man's affliction.
So one day the man comes home to his wife and says with a sigh, "Honey, I got fired today. I put my penis in the pickle slicer."
She gasps, crying out "oh my god! You have to go to the hospital!"
The man looks up at her, "Oh no, I'm perfectly fine. I feel great, actually."
His wife is now completely bewildered, "But, bu--your peni- and the pickle slicer!?"
The man shrugs, "Yeah, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rsx8o/a_man_comes_home_to_his_wife_from_his_job_at_a/
%
Happy Father's Day!

Hope this doesn't come as a surprise to any of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rsw3j/happy_fathers_day/
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Yesterday I lay in bed looking up at the stars thinking....

Where the hell is my ceiling?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rstco/yesterday_i_lay_in_bed_looking_up_at_the_stars/
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What does Willy Wonka give his employees when they get laid off?

An everlasting jobstopper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rssbd/what_does_willy_wonka_give_his_employees_when/
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A man named Joke

Once upon a time in ancient times, there was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.
In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not believe this, and he firmly believed the soul was stored in comets, since they were sent from the heavens down to Earth.
Most would laugh at him, saying, "You are ridiculous to believe that someone's soul would be stored in comets after they pass! You surely can't be serious!"
But Joke kept his belief, and his family stood firmly behind him on it as well, believing it just as much as he did.
When he died, there was a service, and they buried him at night. At the end of his burial, everyone looked up to the stars.
They all whispered quietly, "A new star is born for Joke, who has passed on from us into the heavens."
Everyone said this except for his family.
They whispered in unison to one another, "The real Joke is always in the comets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rsqxk/a_man_named_joke/
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Bathrooms with motion detecting light switches are the worst...

If you take too long to take a dump, you can’t see shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rsn23/bathrooms_with_motion_detecting_light_switches/
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What do you call a cow that practices Islam?

A mooslim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rslba/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_practices_islam/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punch line becomes apparent.
Happy father's day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rsl0i/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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I watched a film about cheese.

It was G-Rated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rsdac/i_watched_a_film_about_cheese/
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A jellyfish stung my wife...

"Quick, pee on it!" Said my wife
*Pees on jellyfish* "That's for stinging my wife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rs825/a_jellyfish_stung_my_wife/
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Guy goes to hospital and is seen by a nurse

"OK sir, if you could take your underwear off and we will see what the problem is".
The man is hesitant, "don't worry sir, I've been a nurse for 20 years, I've seen it all, I promise not to laugh." She says, reassuringly.
The man drops his undies and holds out his member, it is the same approximate dimensions as a AA battery, the nurse, despite her best efforts, let's out a small giggle.
She clears her throat, "I'm very sorry sir, I promise it won't happen again, can you tell me what the issue is please?"
"It's swollen." He says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rs72s/guy_goes_to_hospital_and_is_seen_by_a_nurse/
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A joke my grandpa just shared: “so I asked the guy who roofed my house, “Hows the roofing business?”

Guy replied, “we’re on top of it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rs5p5/a_joke_my_grandpa_just_shared_so_i_asked_the_guy/
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Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rs5cc/four_men_are_in_the_hospital_waiting_room_because/
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2 guys walk into a bar....

...you'd think the second one would duck.
This is the best dad joke I've got.. happy Fathers Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rs43e/2_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why is Kim Jong Un so immoral all the time?

It's because he lacks a Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrzvm/why_is_kim_jong_un_so_immoral_all_the_time/
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Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters.

Ten long miserable years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rryrk/statistics_show_that_vegetarians_live_on_average/
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An old man went to his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, " Yep, I made her come twice. After that I rubbed juices to let it slide easier, but still nothing happened! My wife tried splitting on it and rubbing it vigorously--"
"Enough!" the doctor shouted. "That is absolutely disgusting."
The old man indignantly responded, "What are you talking about? None of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrv3y/an_old_man_went_to_his_doctor_for_a_sperm_count/
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The bus driver shouts to the conductor

Two women are in a bus fighting bitterly over the last available seat.
The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor,  "Let the ugly one take the seat"
Both women stood for the rest of the journey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrspy/the_bus_driver_shouts_to_the_conductor/
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I invited necrophiliacs to my funeral

Everyone came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrsi7/i_invited_necrophiliacs_to_my_funeral/
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Dads are like boomerangs

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrsck/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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This guy visited my house with the intention of creating his own large scholarly book.

When he arrived I said, 'Make yourself a tome'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrrlf/this_guy_visited_my_house_with_the_intention_of/
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A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but don’t have any matches.

So one sailor throws one of his cigarettes overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrqn3/a_bunch_of_sailors_on_a_boat_want_to_have_a_smoke/
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I slept with a blind woman the other night. It went pretty well, mostly.

Once the clothes came off she said to me "you have the biggest dick I have ever laid my hands on"
I said "you're pulling my leg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrnad/i_slept_with_a_blind_woman_the_other_night_it/
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*Reversing the car*

Dad: Ahh, this takes me back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrm6q/reversing_the_car/
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I try not to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

but the urge is just a whim away, a whim a way, a whim a way...﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrm49/i_try_not_to_sing_the_lion_sleeps_tonight/
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How do you spot a revolutionary pigeon?

They're the ones walking around shouting "Coup! Coup!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrjph/how_do_you_spot_a_revolutionary_pigeon/
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I saw the strangest protest sign driving to work today

I know all the construction can be inconvenient but seriously, “End Road Work”?
Happy Father’s Day everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrjp2/i_saw_the_strangest_protest_sign_driving_to_work/
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I visited the zoo in another town...

there was only one animal.
It was a dog.
It was a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrii3/i_visited_the_zoo_in_another_town/
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Have you heard about the new male contraceptive pill?

If you put it in your shoe, it makes you limp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrenp/have_you_heard_about_the_new_male_contraceptive/
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For Father's Day my wife and kid made me breakfast in bed

I'd have preferred they made it in the kitchen but it's the thought that counts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rre1b/for_fathers_day_my_wife_and_kid_made_me_breakfast/
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Why did the chef not finish his dish?

He ran out of thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrclb/why_did_the_chef_not_finish_his_dish/
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What do you call two turtles having sex?

A Slowpoke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrbgq/what_do_you_call_two_turtles_having_sex/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithe-berg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrbem/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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I got food poisoning from a can of Spaghetti-O’s....

It was the most painful vowel movement of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rrb6o/i_got_food_poisoning_from_a_can_of_spaghettios/
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Almost every morning, I wake up grumpy...

...but sometimes, I let her sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rr7xz/almost_every_morning_i_wake_up_grumpy/
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What happened to the frog sat on double yellow lines.

It was toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rr7p3/what_happened_to_the_frog_sat_on_double_yellow/
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A police officer tries to break up with his wife, also a police officer.

Husband: "We're over."
Wife: "We're what? over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rr7b2/a_police_officer_tries_to_break_up_with_his_wife/
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My son came home as I was taking his bedroom door off the hinges

he asked "Dad, what are you doing?"
"We've updated our privacy policy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rr6ag/my_son_came_home_as_i_was_taking_his_bedroom_door/
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Happy father's day!

5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:
Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me
Mom: And which one will put you to sleep
Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.
Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with daddy.
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !
Happy Father’s day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rr4q2/happy_fathers_day/
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Repainting the White House

There was an open call for repainting the White House and 3 businessmen applied. One was from China, one was from Germany and one was from Albania. The Chinese asked 3 million dollars to do the job, the German asked 7 million and the Albanian asked 9 million. During the selection phase they asked the Chinese why do they need 3 million and he replied like we need 1 million for materials, another million for the work force and 1 million profit. The German said that they will be using the most expensive paint and hire the best workers so the cost would be 5 million plus 2 million profit. The Albanian said: 3 million for me, 3 million for you and 3 million for the Chinese guy to do the job. He was selected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rr2id/repainting_the_white_house/
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Dads of Reddit: Happy Father's Day...

YOU MOTHER FUCKERS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqzvm/dads_of_reddit_happy_fathers_day/
%
I found out my wife's been blowing the judge to get out of her parking fines.

I shouldn't be talking about it really... The judge put a gag order on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqz1i/i_found_out_my_wifes_been_blowing_the_judge_to/
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A woman and her baby get on a bus to head out for some errands. The bus driver mumbles: 'Wow, that's one *ugly* baby!' The woman was absolutely livid and storms to the rear of the bus to sit. The man next to her asked if she was OK. She replied: 'No, the driver just insulted us!'

The man replied: 'You should go back and tell him off!  Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqydy/a_woman_and_her_baby_get_on_a_bus_to_head_out_for/
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If you’re not a father, you shouldn’t make “dad jokes”

It’s a faux pa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqy8x/if_youre_not_a_father_you_shouldnt_make_dad_jokes/
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A List of Shits.

A Shit.
B Shit.
C Shit.
D Shit.
E Shit.
F Shit.
G Shit.
H Shit.
I Shit.
J Shit.
K Shit.
L Shit.
M Shit.
N Shit.
P Shit.
Q Shit.
R Shit.
S Shit.
T Shit.
U Shit.
V Shit.
W Shit.
X Shit.
Y Shit.
Z Shit.
Wait, I forgot one. O Shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqy40/a_list_of_shits/
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"Man, my sinuses are on fire!"

"An allergy?"
"No, a metaphor".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqwm3/man_my_sinuses_are_on_fire/
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I'm reading this awesome book series on invincible dogs!

I can't put 'em down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqvk6/im_reading_this_awesome_book_series_on_invincible/
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I met a girl today and told her that I'm a Master of Arts.

She said she had smelled it already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqs7a/i_met_a_girl_today_and_told_her_that_im_a_master/
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Bad himalayan joke

Me: *on edge of roof* no one likes my jokes
Cop: there’s still a lot to live for. tell me one of your jokes
Me: what do you call a rooster that produces eggs?
Cop: I don't know. What?
Me: himalayan
Cop: omg just jump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqrgq/bad_himalayan_joke/
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Why do they call it PMS?

Mad Cow was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqrbh/why_do_they_call_it_pms/
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Where does a crayon go on vacation?

Color-ado. My seven year old just told me this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqqh0/where_does_a_crayon_go_on_vacation/
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My boss fired me because I spent the last 45 minutes taking a crap.

I can’t see why he can’t clean his desk and move on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqp5d/my_boss_fired_me_because_i_spent_the_last_45/
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What does baby volcano say to his volcano mom?

Magma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqfwd/what_does_baby_volcano_say_to_his_volcano_mom/
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Why Must It Be This Way?

An American and a Canadian are sitting on a plane. After takeoff the Canadian leans back, and takes his shoes off, and begins to relax. The American, who is pinned in at the window, says, "Sorry to trouble you but our call light is broken. Could you get me a beer?"
"No problem," says the Canadian. As he walks towards the galley, the American quickly bends down and spits in the guys shoes. The Canadian returns with the beer and settles back into his seat. Upon landing the Canadian puts on his shoes and immediately realizes what has happened.
"Ah, hell, Why must it be this way?" he ask the American. "This constant fighting between our nations, this animosity, this spitting in shoes and pissing in beers..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqf3m/why_must_it_be_this_way/
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Times are really hard for people with disabilities.

I have a dwarf friend and he really struggles with putting food on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rqbsg/times_are_really_hard_for_people_with_disabilities/
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I was sitting in traffic the other day

And I got run over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rq9kl/i_was_sitting_in_traffic_the_other_day/
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My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rq89z/my_buddy_set_me_up_on_a_blind_date_and_he_said_id/
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Why does a chicken like seeing a cat jumping into a pool?

Because a cock always wants to see a wet pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rq6fs/why_does_a_chicken_like_seeing_a_cat_jumping_into/
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What does a pokemon trainer use as substitute for viagra?

PP up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rq564/what_does_a_pokemon_trainer_use_as_substitute_for/
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The morning of his birthday, Timmy told his mom, “I had a dream I got a BB Gun for my birthday. What do you think that dream means?”

“You'll know what it means tonight,” Timmy's mom said with an encouraging smile. That night, after the birthday cake, Timmy's mom came in with a long narrow package and gave it to her son. Timmy tore the box open. Finally I get a BB gun, he thought. But he thought wrong. The box was empty except for a book called The Meaning of Dreams.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rq1rw/the_morning_of_his_birthday_timmy_told_his_mom_i/
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I have been wondering for a long time, what unfaithful women eat.

Food for thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rq09y/i_have_been_wondering_for_a_long_time_what/
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This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpxx0/this_farmer_was_telling_me_about_how_brilliant/
%
"They had me surrounded, and I was about to get shot...I could sense it."

I regret asking my wife about her first ever bukkake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpxet/they_had_me_surrounded_and_i_was_about_to_get/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpwnq/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
Since the UK were leaving the EU, the European Commission decided on having English remain as the main language, instead of German

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpv5e/since_the_uk_were_leaving_the_eu_the_european/
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*HAPPY FATHER'S DAY...*

A new teacher Joins school... She finds two boys looking very similar in appearance...
Teacher asks:- " Twins...???"
Boy:- No... *"NEIGHBOURS"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpry2/happy_fathers_day/
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You know how birds fly in a V and sometimes one side is longer than the other? You know why that is?

It's because there are more birds on that side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpq6y/you_know_how_birds_fly_in_a_v_and_sometimes_one/
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I hate people that take drugs....

Especially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpp43/i_hate_people_that_take_drugs/
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Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife.....

Someone wakes me up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpou8/every_time_im_about_to_win_an_argument_with_my/
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Ever since I installed AdBlock....

All the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpop5/ever_since_i_installed_adblock/
%
Dad at breakfast:

I’ll have bacon and eggs, please
Waiter: How do you like your eggs?
Dad: I don’t know, I haven’t gotten them yet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpn3c/dad_at_breakfast/
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Turn around

Police officer : TURN AROUND !
Me : every now and then i get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round
police officer: TURN AROUND!!!
Me : every now a- ...
*GETS tased*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpn2d/turn_around/
%
A man is driving to a big city, but he has to go through a desert. [Long]

His car beaks down on the way and he realizes there is no way for him to fix it. He starts to walk when he sees a snake rise out of a hole. The snake speaks to him.
“I see you are tired. I will grant you three wishes. The first is free, but the second comes with secrecy and the third with a favor.”
So the man says, “Alright, I wish I was in the city!”
The snake (whose name is Nate) says, “Your wish is granted.”
The man instantly appears in a bustling city crowd. He has a mechanic fix his car, and is driving around when he decides to go back for the second and third wishes.
He finds the snake hole and the snake rises out.
“What are your wishes?”
The man wishes for infinite money and to be the smartest man in the universe.
The snake grants these but then reminds the man that the third wish comes with a favor. The snake says that he is guarding a magic lever, that, if it is pulled, it will destroy the universe. He is going to be succeeded by his son one day, and he wants the man to show his little snake son what he will one day protect.
So the man and the little snake travel for ten years, seeing all of the countries and people, and finally they return. As the man is driving back into the valley, he looses control of his car. Hearing them coming, Nate rises out of his hole, and is instantly killed by the car, which is subsequently put back under control. The man looks to the little snake, whose father, Nate, had just been killed, and says, “Well, better Nate than lever.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpm7q/a_man_is_driving_to_a_big_city_but_he_has_to_go/
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After hearing about the boycott, I've decided to give up eating Chick-Fil-A

...but only on Sundays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rphna/after_hearing_about_the_boycott_ive_decided_to/
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An American and a Canadian decide to watch a movie

American: Hey, want to watch Titanic?
Canadian: What's that about?
American: Yeah, one that sank.
Credit to u/UltimateInferno for the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpg74/an_american_and_a_canadian_decide_to_watch_a_movie/
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I want to recommend a book that helped me through my life.

My fathers cheque book is very useful; I advise you get it too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpcwu/i_want_to_recommend_a_book_that_helped_me_through/
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The other day I got offered a threesome

I had to decline, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rpbj5/the_other_day_i_got_offered_a_threesome/
%
What do nosey peppers do?

Get jalepeño in your buisness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rp6tu/what_do_nosey_peppers_do/
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What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hareline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rp5vt/what_do_you_call_a_line_of_rabbits_walking/
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Three divorced men find a genie

The genie slowly coalesces out of the lamp and addresses his finders. "You each get one wish. However, because you are divorced whatever you ask for will be doubled and given to your ex wife."
The first man blurts out "Well we did end on good terms so... How about $1 million? She'll get two and everyone is happy."
The genie grants his wish and he scoops up his money.
The second man shakes his head and replies "Fuck that. My ex is a blood sucking whore. Give me a Maclaren! She won't know what to do with one, let alone two. Hell, she can't even drive. It may even kill her trying..."
The genie grants his wish and he drives off.
The third guy contemplates some more before he finally speaks. "I want you to scare me half to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rp5h5/three_divorced_men_find_a_genie/
%
Me mum thinks I'm retarded

But what does she know? Afterall, she married her cousin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rp33x/me_mum_thinks_im_retarded/
%
Anyone hear about the new morning after pill for men?

It changes their blood type

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rp2r6/anyone_hear_about_the_new_morning_after_pill_for/
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How Did You Know?

My brother was telling a joke that he read here, and I completed the other half.
Him: How did you know?
Me: I reddit too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rp171/how_did_you_know/
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A shipment of Viagra has been stolen

Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rp10n/a_shipment_of_viagra_has_been_stolen/
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The bell ringer (long joke)

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. Bishop: "Ok, show me your plan."
The hunchback runs and jumps at the bell, striking it with his head. Sure enough, he rings the bell.
So despite his misgivings, the bishop hired the hunchback to ring the bell.
Every day the hunchback comes in and rings the bell. One day, the hunchback decides to try to ring the bell louder. He goes to the farthest corner of the tower, and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. When he jumps up and hits it with his head, the bell rings clear and loud. Unfortunately, the hunchback hit the bell so hard he's a little groggy. He staggers around a bit, and falls out a window to the street below.
A crowd gathers around the hunchback's mangled body lying in the street; the bishop goes out to investigate the commotion.
The policeman arrives and again asks: "Who is this guy?" The bishop replies: "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rp0rt/the_bell_ringer_long_joke/
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What did the taekwondo expert say to the man with a foot fetish?

Get ready to taste defeat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rothv/what_did_the_taekwondo_expert_say_to_the_man_with/
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What is a monitor's best sex position?

16:9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rot7l/what_is_a_monitors_best_sex_position/
%
The other day I failed my grade 10 English exam for the third year in a row

My friend called it quite a feat.
I smugly corrected him and said, "the singular is actually 'a foot.'"
How did that dumbass even pass??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rompm/the_other_day_i_failed_my_grade_10_english_exam/
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What do you call it when Edgar Allen Poe hosts an indoor strobe party?

A Rave-in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rom3r/what_do_you_call_it_when_edgar_allen_poe_hosts_an/
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A cocky lawyer is sitting next to an old man at an airport.

They still have a while to wait before getting on the plane so the lawyer asks the old man if he wants to play a game, certain that he was the more intelligent of the two.
"How about this, I ask you a question; if you answer correctly I'll give you $100, otherwise you give me $10. Then you get to ask me a question; if I can't answer correctly, I'll give you $100 but if I can, you give me $10"
The old man agrees to the terms, after all, the odds were in his favour; as the young lawyer had smugly pointed out.
The lawyer confidently asks his first question, "Tell me, exactly how far away is the sun from Earth?"
After only a moment of thought the old man concedes that he doesn't know, so hands over $10. He asks his question, "What climbs up a hill on four legs but climbs down on only three legs?"
The lawyer's smirk disappears as he thinks hard about what the answer could be. After several minutes, he gives in and hands over $100. Frustrated that he had been outsmarted, the young lawyer simply ignores the chuckling old man next to him.
Some time later, they boarded the plane, and discovered that they were sitting next to each other.
His curiousity getting the better of him, the lawyer says to the old man, "I have to know. What climbs up a hill on four legs but climbs down on only three?" The old man grins and hands over $10, "I don't know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8roi90/a_cocky_lawyer_is_sitting_next_to_an_old_man_at/
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The Bear

What do you call a bear that lost an ear?
A "B".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rohc6/the_bear/
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I’m excited to take my wife to a new musical about puns

It’s basically a play on words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8roeul/im_excited_to_take_my_wife_to_a_new_musical_about/
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To all the dude's who didn't use protection this weekend

Happy Father's Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8roc77/to_all_the_dudes_who_didnt_use_protection_this/
%
Why didn’t LeBron James go to college?

Because he struggles with finals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ro7dt/why_didnt_lebron_james_go_to_college/
%
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and waits to be served.

The owner is confused by the presence of the panda, but decides to provide service just like he would any other customer. The panda orders a meal, eats the meal quietly, and then asks for the check.
As the owner prepares the bill, the panda suddenly pulls out a gun, fires a few rounds into the air, and starts heading to the door. The owner is shocked, and starts chasing after the panda yelling “what the heck was that all about?” The panda just looks at him funny, then says “I’m a panda, look it up.” Then tosses him an encyclopedia and walks out the door.
The owner flips it the page about pandas and starts reading aloud. “Panda, a large black and white bear, native to Asia, that eats shoots and leaves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ro6ty/a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant_sits_down_and/
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Did you hear about that fascist leader named Richard Potato?

Most call him a Dick Tater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ro59h/did_you_hear_about_that_fascist_leader_named/
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A man limps into a bar

, visibly upset. The barkeep asks, "What's wrong?"
The man replies, "Just got back from the hospital, lost three toes on my right foot at work. Now I'm on disability leave at 60% pay."
The barkeep, suddenly angry, yells, "Get the fuck out of my bar!"
The man, exasperated, says, "What?! Why?!"
"Don't mind him," the stranger sitting next to the man chimed in, "he's just lack toes intolerant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ro4uk/a_man_limps_into_a_bar/
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What do you call two tailors fighting?

a serious alteration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ro0rk/what_do_you_call_two_tailors_fighting/
%
How did Santa feel about getting a gift from his elves?

He was presently surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rnyvv/how_did_santa_feel_about_getting_a_gift_from_his/
%
If life gives you melons

you might be dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rnu6m/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
What do you call a man with a knife in his back

An ambulance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rnu2y/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_knife_in_his_back/
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Some one told me a chocolate bar joke, it wasn't that funny

So I just snickered.
My 10 year old daughter just told me that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rnts1/some_one_told_me_a_chocolate_bar_joke_it_wasnt/
%
My wife told me I was a "model husband"

I said "thank you sweetheart"
Then she showed me her definition of model.
"A small imitation of the real thing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rnt9v/my_wife_told_me_i_was_a_model_husband/
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A man dying of cancer asks his wife if she will re-marry...

Wife: I suppose I will
Husband: Do you think your next husband will drive my truck when I’m gone
Wife: Well, the truck is an asset to the family and helps get chores done so I think so yes.
Husband: That makes sense... what about my clothes? What will you do with them?
Wife: Well, I’d probably donate them to a church or goodwill I think. Maybe I’ll keep a shirt or two for their sentimental value.
Husband: Yeah, of course donating them is probably best... what about my golf clubs? Do you think your next husband will use those?
Wife: Of course not, he’s left handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rnt4b/a_man_dying_of_cancer_asks_his_wife_if_she_will/
%
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rnj0j/a_student_visits_the_principals_office_one_day/
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NSFW A Trip to the Dentist

A man takes his girlfriend to his house to have some alone time. A few minutes into the Netflix and chill, things start to heat up. The man and his girlfriend start off with a little foreplay but it quickly escalates to a lot of 69.
After they finish their business the man tells his girlfriend that he needs to leave to go to the dentist. Before he leaves, he runs to the bathroom and brushes teeth, flosses, and uses mouthwash. He repeats that cycle of few times just to be sure his breath doesn't smell like straight up pink taco.
When he arrives at the dentist, the man notices that dentist keeps making strange faces. Finally, in a moment of pure awkwardness, the dentist asks the man "Sir, have you been 69ing?". The man, shocked that the dentist could tell, stutters out "Y-y-yea doc, how'd you know? My breath smell like pussy?" The dentist replies "No sir, your forehead smells like shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rni2u/nsfw_a_trip_to_the_dentist/
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A List of Forts.

A Fort.
B Fort.
C Fort.
D Fort.
E Fort.
G Fort.
H Fort.
I Fort.
J Fort.
K Fort.
L Fort.
M Fort.
N Fort.
O Fort.
P Fort.
Q Fort.
R Fort.
S Fort.
T Fort.
U Fort.
V Fort.
W Fort.
X Fort.
Y Fort.
Z Fort.
I didn't put any F Fort into this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rngga/a_list_of_forts/
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Id love to get mad at my baby goat when she headbutts.

But you cant blame her. Shes just a kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rnaux/id_love_to_get_mad_at_my_baby_goat_when_she/
%
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday.

He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rn9sl/i_went_for_a_job_interview_as_a_blacksmith/
%
Why chicken coop only have two doors?

If it has 4 doors it would be chicken sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rn83s/why_chicken_coop_only_have_two_doors/
%
My friend was bragging in a bar about having an orgy at school when he was younger.

It would have been pretty cool, but we knew he was homeschooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rn5pw/my_friend_was_bragging_in_a_bar_about_having_an/
%
A man is resting on his death bed...

As he waits to pass on, he sees the reaper approach his bedside.
"I am the angel of deaf!" Says the reaper.
The man, confused, asks "Don't you mean the angel of death?"
"...Could you repeat that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rn5j2/a_man_is_resting_on_his_death_bed/
%
Took the shell off of my racing snail this weekend

Thought it might speed him up
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rn47t/took_the_shell_off_of_my_racing_snail_this_weekend/
%
I don't quite know what this country is coming to, you have school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children.

I don't know if I should carry more money or more sweets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rn1oo/i_dont_quite_know_what_this_country_is_coming_to/
%
My wife came rushing in out of the garden and said, "There's a pair of my knickers missing off the washing line."

I said, "I know, the two kids from next door have them."  She said, "The dirty little perverts."  I said, "It's nothing like that, they mentioned something about building a hammock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rmziy/my_wife_came_rushing_in_out_of_the_garden_and/
%
Some guy walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and Chips, please."

"Certainly sir." I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"   "Piss off you fucking idiot." He snapped, before walking off with his food.  I love working in the prison canteen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rmz4y/some_guy_walked_up_to_the_counter_and_said_burger/
%
Why do some photographers have such short attention spans?

Becuse they have a 80D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rmx1c/why_do_some_photographers_have_such_short/
%
A businessman went to Las Vegas for the weekend.

He lost almost all of his money and had only just enough for the plane ticket back home. He finds a taxi waiting outside the casino which he get's into and proceeds tp explain his predicament and that he'd send the driver the money for the fare when he got home.
The driver doesn't care "Listen pal, if you don't have 15 bucks, get the Hell out of my cab!".
Fortunately, the businessman managed to hitch a ride to the airport, and caught his flight with seconds to spare.
A year later, he returns to Vegas, and this time he is in luck and wins a fortune. After claiming his winnings he goes out in front of the casino and sees a long line of cabs.
Suddenly he recognises the driver who refused to give him a ride the previous year at the back of the queue. After a moment of thought, he gets into the first cab in the line.
"How much for a ride to the airport?" He asks.
"Fifteen dollars."
"OK, and how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"Get out of my fucking cab!" The driver snarls.
The businessman goes to the second cab, asks the same question and gets a very similar reply. He does this for every cab in the long queue until he reaches his old friend at the back.
"How much for a ride to the airport?"
"Fifteen bucks."
"OK." and off they went.
As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a huge smile and a thumbs-up sign to all the other drivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rmwxm/a_businessman_went_to_las_vegas_for_the_weekend/
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The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"  The survey was a huge flop.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.   In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.  In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rmsx2/the_un_decided_to_do_a_worldwide_survey/
%
What is the average grade of a pirate in college?

High C's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rmsdg/what_is_the_average_grade_of_a_pirate_in_college/
%
What did the jedi tell his ex wife?

May divorce be with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rmrv7/what_did_the_jedi_tell_his_ex_wife/
%
Why can't you tan on a rainy day?

Cos it's a sin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rmrnh/why_cant_you_tan_on_a_rainy_day/
%
You're at the mall when a security guard comes up to you.

He (falsely) suspects you of attempted shoplifting.
You try to explain to him that you're not, but he thinks you're getting aggressive and trying to resist arrest.
He pulls out his taser.
What happens next may shock you...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rmm9h/youre_at_the_mall_when_a_security_guard_comes_up/
%
I asked the librarian if they had any books on language barriers.

She said, "What do you mean?"
I said, "Exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rmlyn/i_asked_the_librarian_if_they_had_any_books_on/
%
If I had a penny for every time a woman called me sexy...

I wouldn't be able to afford another pair of Crocs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rmldu/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_time_a_woman_called_me/
%
An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.
"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".
"I'll have a Campari," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"
The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for you, sir?" he asks the third man.
"I'm just wondering how I got here," the etiologist replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rml0q/an_etymologist_an_entomologist_and_an_etiologist/
%
What do you call a single, bisexual person?

A person on standbi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rmd27/what_do_you_call_a_single_bisexual_person/
%
A couple of dicks walk into a Vagina.

They had a few drinks and were there for a couple of hours.  Eventually one dick looks at the other and says, “Hey man, I’m getting bored, want to go next door and get shit faced?”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rmb5w/a_couple_of_dicks_walk_into_a_vagina/
%
My girlfriend says having a small penis isn't a big deal.

I still wish she didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rm891/my_girlfriend_says_having_a_small_penis_isnt_a/
%
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby

As she’s paying for her ticket the bus driver says “that’s got to be the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman goes to the back of the bus, furious, she says to the man sitting next to her “the bus driver just insulted me!”, the man says “go give him a piece of your mind then! Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rm71q/a_woman_gets_onto_a_bus_with_her_baby/
%
The math teacher asked her class, "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

A student raised his hand and replied, "A drinking problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rm6wh/the_math_teacher_asked_her_class_if_i_have_5/
%
I lost over a hundred pounds last week

That's the last time I'll gamble in a British casino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rm6tj/i_lost_over_a_hundred_pounds_last_week/
%
Some guy walked up to the counter and said,

"Pie and Chips, please."
"Certainly sir." I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"Fuck off you fucking idiot." He snapped, before walking off with his food.
Nothing better than working in a prison canteen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rm50w/some_guy_walked_up_to_the_counter_and_said/
%
Why are gay men so well dressed?

They don't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rm3ln/why_are_gay_men_so_well_dressed/
%
What's for dinner when a cannibal cooks up an autistic person?

Ass-burgers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rm2yr/whats_for_dinner_when_a_cannibal_cooks_up_an/
%
"Your money's no good here," said the bartender.

"And that 'Get Out of Jail Free' card probably won't work either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rm209/your_moneys_no_good_here_said_the_bartender/
%
I childproofed the house.

But they keep getting in anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rm1zx/i_childproofed_the_house/
%
I was at the ATM, and an elderly lady asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rm15v/i_was_at_the_atm_and_an_elderly_lady_asked_me_to/
%
If you have 6 oranges in one hand and 7 in the other hand, what do you have?

Really big hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rm0yy/if_you_have_6_oranges_in_one_hand_and_7_in_the/
%
I know these Siamese twins.

They moved to England so the other one could drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rlx6y/i_know_these_siamese_twins/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rlwyj/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
If at first you don't succeed...

Try a grain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rlwoc/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
All I wanted was to relax while on my period...

...it was a bloodbath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rlvmk/all_i_wanted_was_to_relax_while_on_my_period/
%
Is Satan a Seahawks fan?

A curious man died one day and found himself waiting in the long line for his after-life judgment.
As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of Heaven while others were led over to Satan who threw them into a burning pit. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the man’s curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,” he said. “I’m waiting in line for my judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of Hell with the others?”
“Ah, those…” Satan said with a groan. “They’re all from Seattle -- they’re too wet to burn!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rlojq/is_satan_a_seahawks_fan/
%
A pirate walks into a bar...

And he's got this steering wheel sticking out of his crotch. So the bartender asks, "Hey man, what's with the wheel?" Then the pirate replies, "Arrgghh! It's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rlo7j/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A band's drummer decides to quit

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out.
It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get gum diease", or "Make sure you drink 8 glasses of water a day, or else you'll get dehydrated".  As the night goes on, the warnings get more severe. Things like "Don't buy alcohol before you're 21, or else you could face severe criminal and civil charges" and "The purchase or use of illegal drugs could land you in jail, and cost you thousands of dollars"
Finally the lead singer has had enough. He pulls the drummer aside and says "listen, you're a great drummer. But you gotta knock it off with the warnings.  Is there any way you can stop?"
The drummer says "Sorry, I guess it's just in my nature.   I'm a repercussionist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rlmjx/a_bands_drummer_decides_to_quit/
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How do you separate the men from the boys in the navy?

With a crowbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rllv8/how_do_you_separate_the_men_from_the_boys_in_the/
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Why do women have bruises around their belly buttons?

Because blonde guys are stupid too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rlkrn/why_do_women_have_bruises_around_their_belly/
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Camel

An old man finds a condom in his grandson’s apartment and asks what it is.
“It’s a condom,” replies the grandson, sheepishly.
“What do you use it for?” asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”
Grandpa says, “That’s a great idea.” He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.
“What size would you like?” asks the pharmacist.
“Big enough to fit a Camel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rljgx/camel/
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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord!Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."
A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"
Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rlhu6/stevie_wonder_is_playing_his_first_gig_in_tokyo/
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I have Sex Daily

I mean Dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rlei5/i_have_sex_daily/
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I used to work in a calender factory

But I was fired for taking a couple of days off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rlbc7/i_used_to_work_in_a_calender_factory/
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I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few weeks ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rlb0r/i_started_carrying_a_gun_after_an_attempted/
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My daughter came downstairs in a short skirt.

I said, "You aren't wearing that to school."
"Why not?" she asked moodily.
I said, "Because I want your mother to try it on later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rl8mh/my_daughter_came_downstairs_in_a_short_skirt/
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I recently bought a 256GB iPhone X, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyway, I'm doing a giveaway.

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not very tall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rl7iq/i_recently_bought_a_256gb_iphone_x_my_son_dropped/
%
Bill Cosby's pick up line...

"are we fucking or am I fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rl74c/bill_cosbys_pick_up_line/
%
My life is like a penis...

Girls make it hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rl5fx/my_life_is_like_a_penis/
%
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly.
"No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it" said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians!" (I'm sure this is a repost, but from like a year ago.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rl24t/an_eccentric_billionaire_wanted_a_mural_painted/
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rkznj/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
%
If I'm honest...

I don't know where I'd be without my compass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rkzgk/if_im_honest/
%
Why do Mexicans have a secret cheese stash?

In queso emergency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rkvgt/why_do_mexicans_have_a_secret_cheese_stash/
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I can't stand it when homeless people shake their little cups at me

Yeah, I get it. You have more money than me, do you really have to rub it in?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rktla/i_cant_stand_it_when_homeless_people_shake_their/
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Mum has told her little girl all about the making of babies.

Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mum asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
Happy Father's Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rkqo6/mum_has_told_her_little_girl_all_about_the_making/
%
What did the bad soccer announcer get in his stocking for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rkmzs/what_did_the_bad_soccer_announcer_get_in_his/
%
What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rkgxw/what_do_you_call_someone_who_helps_you_learn_to/
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I hosted a surprise bukkake party for my wife.

Everyone came. You should have seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rkfnw/i_hosted_a_surprise_bukkake_party_for_my_wife/
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I saw a sign advertising a plowsharing market the other day.

I don't know if that's a more or less politically correct way of talking about a swinger party...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rk96y/i_saw_a_sign_advertising_a_plowsharing_market_the/
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A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband walks in.

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to the fri-
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."
The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rk8x3/a_woman_is_cooking_eggs_in_the_kitchen_when_her/
%
A wife calls her husband and says

"be careful driving home, some complete moron is driving down the wrong side of the motorway."
The husband replies "there's not just one, there's bloody hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rk8en/a_wife_calls_her_husband_and_says/
%
They say men can't multitask...

but I can wank while watching porn...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rk7qb/they_say_men_cant_multitask/
%
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He sipped his coffee before I️t was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rk6ej/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
"Have you ever used Viagra?" asked my girlfriend.

I said, "No. Not with any other women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rk39a/have_you_ever_used_viagra_asked_my_girlfriend/
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2 drunk men walk into a whorehouse [NFSW]

The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls. they're so wasted they'll never know the difference'
After when they're walking home the first man says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'
The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'
First: 'really whys that?'
Second: ''cause when i bit her ass she farted in my face and then flew out the window'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rk31b/2_drunk_men_walk_into_a_whorehouse_nfsw/
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A manager cracks a joke. Everyone in the team laughs except one guy.

"Didn't you understand?" the manager asks.
The guy replies : "I resigned yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rk2mx/a_manager_cracks_a_joke_everyone_in_the_team/
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I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is.

I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rk1t2/i_admit_i_was_wrong_about_how_good_my/
%
A cook got his hand caught in the dish-washer

and they were both fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rk134/a_cook_got_his_hand_caught_in_the_dishwasher/
%
I caught someone keying my mother-in-law's car, so I walked over to him.

I said, "Try mine, yours are looking a little blunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjwvh/i_caught_someone_keying_my_motherinlaws_car_so_i/
%
I have a joke about unemployment.

But I think it won't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjvcd/i_have_a_joke_about_unemployment/
%
TIFU by watching Anime on a non-English website

Whoops, wrong dub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rju4n/tifu_by_watching_anime_on_a_nonenglish_website/
%
Today I saw the most beautiful Jewish girl in my life

She Israeli pretty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjtq3/today_i_saw_the_most_beautiful_jewish_girl_in_my/
%
“How did you get pregnant ?”

Well those camouflage condoms my boyfriend used didn’t work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjtlf/how_did_you_get_pregnant/
%
My wife sais she's leaving me cause I exaggerate too much

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjotr/my_wife_sais_shes_leaving_me_cause_i_exaggerate/
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Blonde joke

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjlvi/blonde_joke/
%
My brother and I were having a breath holding contest in the pool.

He's really good, been down there for 6 hours now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjl2t/my_brother_and_i_were_having_a_breath_holding/
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjkdm/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi/
%
I got Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for his birthday

He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjjro/i_got_stevie_wonder_a_cheese_grater_for_his/
%
Three anthropologists get captured by a tribe of cannibals...

The chieftain proclaims to them: "You shall head out into the jungle, and each bring me a dozen pieces of any one fruit, or else we will eat you!"
The three head out. After an hour, the first one returns, carrying 12 Bananas. The chief looks at them with pleasure and says: "And now I want you to insert all those fruits into your bumhole while remaining completely silent! If you make any sound at all, we will kill you!"
The first banana goes in silently, the second one too, but on the third one, he groans a little, and he is killed promptly.
Waiting at the pearly gates, he is soon joined by his first colleague. He asks: "Why are you here? I saw you return with tiny berries in your hand just before I was killed. Those couldn't have been too challenging!" The other replies: "Well, it was all fine and dandy, but as I was popping in the eleventh berry, I saw Bob return with pineapples and couldn't hold my laughter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjj3l/three_anthropologists_get_captured_by_a_tribe_of/
%
My dad always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more.”

Great bloke...
Terrible anaesthetist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjhrb/my_dad_always_said_the_first_rule_of_theatre_is/
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A Polish Immigrant applies for a driver's license

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjgzp/a_polish_immigrant_applies_for_a_drivers_license/
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Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjfm5/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
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My former drug dealer quit dealing and is now working as a bartender...

I always knew he'd end up behind bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjf97/my_former_drug_dealer_quit_dealing_and_is_now/
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If every car in the world were lined up bumper-to-bumper...

Some prick in a BMW would try to pass them all at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjdjf/if_every_car_in_the_world_were_lined_up/
%
Told this to my coworker today

Coworker tells me he has been going to the gym lately. Said last night he did 30 minutes on the stationary bike. I told him that's never gonna get you anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjd59/told_this_to_my_coworker_today/
%
The doorman at a bar refuses a patron entry because dress code requires a tie be worn.

So the patron goes back to his car and pulls a set of booster cables from the trunk, ties it around his neck like a tie and returns to the doorman.
The doorman says. "OK, that will work, but you better not start anything".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjcb8/the_doorman_at_a_bar_refuses_a_patron_entry/
%
I told my wife we had a pest problem.

But, apparently we have to wait until it’s 18 years old to move out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rjagq/i_told_my_wife_we_had_a_pest_problem/
%
I know pirates are butt guys,

because they are always talking about booty. But, they also like a nice full chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rj6hc/i_know_pirates_are_butt_guys/
%
A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rj5q7/a_bus_full_of_nuns_falls_off_a_cliff_and_they_all/
%
After seeing a palm reader, I gave him my money.

He held the note up to the light and frowned. "This is fake," he said.
I said, "Now you know what it feels like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rj509/after_seeing_a_palm_reader_i_gave_him_my_money/
%
What's the difference between a drummer and a toilet seat?

A toilet seat only has to put up with one arsehole at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rj41e/whats_the_difference_between_a_drummer_and_a/
%
What noise does a plane make when it bounces off the ground?

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rj1rm/what_noise_does_a_plane_make_when_it_bounces_off/
%
God, a man, and Satan walk into a bar

Bartender: JESUS CHRIST!
God: No, he couldn’t make it, this is Steve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rj0ie/god_a_man_and_satan_walk_into_a_bar/
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An Irishman on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

It's a long 'un.
An Irishman was on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, and he's doing really well, so well in fact that he is on the final question to win himself a million euro.
The presenter reads the question: "OK Paddy, for one million euro, which of these birds does not live in a nest? Is it A) a blackbird B) a sparrow C) a cuckoo D) a dove"
Paddy thinks for a while. "I have absolutely no idea. I think I'll have to phone a friend."
The presenter proceeds to make the call and Paddy takes the line. "Mick, it's Paddy! I'm on the final question but I need your help! Which of these birds does not live in a nest? Is it A) a blackbird B) a sparrow C) a cuckoo D) a dove"
Without hesitation, Mick says "It's cuckoo, 100%"
"You sure?" Asks Paddy.
"I swear to God. It's a cuckoo." Confirms Mick, and the time is up.
Paddy takes a deep breath. "I'm gonna say Cuckoo. My finals answer"
"YOU'VE WON A MILLION EURO!" Announces the presenter.
Ecstatic, Paddy heads home to celebrate and buys Mick a pint to thank him for his help.
But he has to ask, "Mick, how did you know that cuckoo's don't live in nests? How were you so sure?"
"Its obvious!" Laughs Mick. "Cuckoos live in clocks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rize4/an_irishman_on_who_wants_to_be_a_millionaire/
%
An ad in the newspaper

A woman's husband ran away, taking all their money and valuables. She eventually decides to move on by looking for love in the newspaper.
Her ad read: "Seeking lover.
•must not steal.
•must not run away.
•must be great in bed. "
A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man in a wheelchair with no limbs. "I'm here to answer the ad in the paper," said the handsome man.
Skeptical, she asks,"How can I know you won't steal from me?" "I have no arms. How can I steal from you?", he replied.
"Well, how do I know you won't run away?", she inquired further. "How? I have no legs," he retorts.
"And how can you convince me you're great in bed?", she asked.
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8riz3v/an_ad_in_the_newspaper/
%
A European pornstar was filming, after 3 minutes of recording they were done, the lady turned around and said ‘is that all?’

He said sorry but I’m Finnish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8riy7k/a_european_pornstar_was_filming_after_3_minutes/
%
It's all soccer jokes now

What's the difference between England, and a teabag?...
Well, the teabag stays in the cup longer than England

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8riy4m/its_all_soccer_jokes_now/
%
My girlfriend said she's a big fan of horoscopes. You know what that makes me?

Single.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8riwzo/my_girlfriend_said_shes_a_big_fan_of_horoscopes/
%
I went to an amputee party last night.

That place was literally crawling with pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8riwbz/i_went_to_an_amputee_party_last_night/
%
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rivmn/did_you_hear_that_the_post_office_just_recalled/
%
I borrowed a book from my dad about anti-gravity

I couldn’t put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8riuum/i_borrowed_a_book_from_my_dad_about_antigravity/
%
A man walks into a bar

, takes a seat, and orders a couple of drinks. A while later on his way out, he sees a jar of money sitting on the bar. He asks the bartender what the money’s for. The bartender replies “See that horse back there?” The man replies “Ya”. The bartender says “whoever can make that horse laugh gets the money” so the man decides to give it a try. He walks back to the horse, whispers something into its ear and the horse starts busting up laughing. So, the man walks over to the bar, grabs the money and leaves.
A few weeks later the same man returns to the same bar, and per usual, orders a few drinks. On his way out he notices another jar of money. Again, he asks the bartender what the money is for. The bartender says “See that horse back there?” The man says “Ya” the bartender says “Whoever can make that horse cry gets the money”. So the man walks back to the horse and shows it something. The horse then starts to bawl it’s eyes out. The man walks over, grabs the money and on his way out the bartender stops him and says “I have to know. How did you get the horse to both laugh and cry?” The man replies “Well, the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his. The second time I showed him”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8riu6e/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Three men die with a smile on their faces.

The Vicar (V) speaks with the widows (W*) of the deceased men during the service. He walks up to the first widow.
V: “What happened to your husband?”
W1: “Well we always dreamed of winning the lottery and we finally won after 15 years of playing. He suffered a heart attack but died happy”
The vicar gives his condolences and goes to the next widow
V: “And what happened to your husband?”
W2: “He was terminally ill. But we managed to locate our estranged son of 20 years. Once they hugged and reunited he left peacefully and happy”
The vicar gives his condolences and goes to the third widow. As he looks in the coffin he noticed the man has died smiling and with his arms raised with two thumbs up.
V: “And what happened to your husband?”
W3: “He was struck by lightening.”
V: “Good Lord how awful, but that doesn’t explain why he was smiling.”
W3: “Well he thought he was having his picture taken...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rityl/three_men_die_with_a_smile_on_their_faces/
%
A man was complaining to his doctor how his wife ended up pregnant.

"We were always using condoms diligently, I don't get it"
Doctor takes a look at the guy and he seems a bit daft so he asks him "well, why don't you show me how you use 'em?"
The man takes a condom out of his wallet, unwraps it and swallows it like a pill.
Doctor bursts in laughter, "no, my good man, you're supposed to put that on your penis!"
The guy just stares suprised and says "ooooh, thats why my shit was comming out bagged for the last three months!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ritw0/a_man_was_complaining_to_his_doctor_how_his_wife/
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When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while...

Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8risva/when_my_dentist_reminded_me_about_my_wifes/
%
You all know the saying

Once you go black, you’re a single mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rird1/you_all_know_the_saying/
%
Whats the difference between snowman and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8riql8/whats_the_difference_between_snowman_and_snowwomen/
%
My son has ADHD and cannot concentrate on anything for more than a couple of seconds.

I'm thinking of sending him to a concentration camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8riprv/my_son_has_adhd_and_cannot_concentrate_on/
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The world tongue twister champion was killed today in a tragic accident.

He was run over by a red lorry. Then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8riksi/the_world_tongue_twister_champion_was_killed/
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Computer games are said to be a bad influence on kids.

Nonsense - my generation grew up playing Pac-Man, but did we end up dashing around dark rooms and swallowing white dots while listening to electronic music?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rikl6/computer_games_are_said_to_be_a_bad_influence_on/
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Philosophers don't get salaries

They get food for thought

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rij8j/philosophers_dont_get_salaries/
%
My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!"

The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me.
So I put my hand around my kid and told him, "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8riita/my_kid_and_i_were_in_a_very_crowded_public/
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For my birthday, I wanted something that will go from 0-200 in a few seconds.

So my wife got me a bathroom scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rifs1/for_my_birthday_i_wanted_something_that_will_go/
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A German guy making snacks...

is the Wurst-Käse scenario...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8riffi/a_german_guy_making_snacks/
%
Do you know the difference between a toilet and a roof?

Aha, so you're the idiot who shit on my roof last night!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ric54/do_you_know_the_difference_between_a_toilet_and_a/
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Girlfriends Email !!

Girlfriend's Email :
*thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative.*
Boyfriend's Reply
What does *ternative* mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rib09/girlfriends_email/
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Marriage: My wife said it was like a deck of cards, at the start, all you need is two hearts and a diamond......

Later, you want a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ri3qt/marriage_my_wife_said_it_was_like_a_deck_of_cards/
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What do you call a country without females?

Stagnation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ri1gq/what_do_you_call_a_country_without_females/
%
New Baby

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked.
“Not yet”, said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and then we can visit for a while.”
Another half hour passed before another relative asked, “may we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
A while later the guests asked again, “may we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked, “well, when can we see the baby?”
“When it cries!” she told them.
“When it cries?” they gasped. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?”
“Because, I forgot where I put it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ri0ik/new_baby/
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Old Couple At The Pharmacy

Bob, aged 92, and Mary, aged 89, were excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drug store. Bob suggested they go in.
Bob asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, “Do you sell heart medication?”
“Of course we do,” the pharmacist replied.
“Medicine for rheumatism?”
“Definitely,” he said.
“How about Viagra?”
“Of course.”
“Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
“Yes, the works.”
“What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?”
“Absolutely.”
“Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
“All speeds and sizes.”
“Good,” Bob said to the pharmacist. “We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rhzrz/old_couple_at_the_pharmacy/
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An 80 year old man goes to the doctor

The doctor tells him that he needs a sperm sample. He hands the old man a small jar and tells him to bring it back the next day. However, it's empty when he returns it. The doctor says, "Hey, I told you I needed to take a sperm sample" to which the old man replied "Well doc, I tried, I really did. I couldn't do it, so I called my wife, and she couldn't do it. She suggested that we try out neighbors, but they were no help, so they called up their daughter in Wyoming to come over to try. She wasn't able to either. We thought that maybe we had to all try at the same time, but it didn't work. Guess some jars are just impossible to open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rhxbc/an_80_year_old_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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People keep saying that OLEDs aren't bright enough.

Well I think there just being nit-picky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rhun8/people_keep_saying_that_oleds_arent_bright_enough/
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How do you tell the difference between good Comedians and bad ones?

The Bad ones Punch up the screwline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rhs25/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_good/
%
A shoe

Bless me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rhqmy/a_shoe/
%
Gorillas see us how we see aliens, skinnier, smarter, less hair

Or you might call them Asians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rhps2/gorillas_see_us_how_we_see_aliens_skinnier/
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There was a writing competition for a story that had: religion, sex and mystery.

The winning story was: "Oh god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rhoec/there_was_a_writing_competition_for_a_story_that/
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My alcoholic dad said my mother drove him to drink.

Sometimes she'd even pick him up afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rhjqr/my_alcoholic_dad_said_my_mother_drove_him_to_drink/
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You can't spell advertisements

Without semen between the tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rhhzk/you_cant_spell_advertisements/
%
I don’t know if my ceiling is the best ceiling...

But it’s definitely up there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rhgrb/i_dont_know_if_my_ceiling_is_the_best_ceiling/
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A woman asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup.

I told her it depends on whether or not she was trying to kill Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rhgq3/a_woman_asked_me_if_i_thought_she_was_wearing_to/
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TITANIC

Sorry that was a terrible ice breaker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rhb9j/titanic/
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A guys car breaks down in front of a Monestarey

This is hands down my favorite joke of all time but it's long so hold on to something.
A guys car breaks down, but fortunately it breaks down right in front of a Monestarey. He trudges through the snow to knock on the door and one of the monks answers.
Monk: "Hello my child, how may we help you?"
The Guy: "Hey there, I don't mean to be too much of a bother but my car broke down and I can't get it towed until the morning, would you guys have a place I could sleep for the night?"
Monk: "Of course! Greg was a mechanic before he joined the order, he'll get your car fixed up and we'll get you out of here in the morning. We were just about to have dinner, come join us."
The Guy: "Man, you don't have to do that I just..."
Monk cutting the guy off: "Nonsense, it's all in the name of God."
The monk ushers the guy in and they give him a nice home cooked meal using meat and vegetables they raised themselves. After that they show him to his room for the night and tell him his car will be ready in the morning. As he's laying there he hears these really weird noises, but he manages to put it out of his head and go to sleep. The next morning he wakes up and has breakfast with the monks, and afterwards they hand him back his keys.
The Guy: "Guys I really appreciate this, you didn't have to do any of this and it means a lot to me.
Monk: "Of course! All in the name of God, my child."
The guy starts to walk out the door but turns around before he leaves
The Guy: "Oh by the way, what were the noises I heard last night?"
Monk: "Oh, we can't tell you that. You're not a monk."
The guy thinks this is fair and heads on his way. Several years later he's going down the same road and his car breaks down again, so he walks up to the door and asks if he could stay the night again saying that they don't have to feed him or fix the car this time. He gets told that's nonsense and to come inside. After dinner he heads to bed but hears those noises again. He finally manages to go to sleep. After breakfast the next morning he jokingly asks about the noises and gets the same answer. He stops and thinks about it then says
The Guy: "You know what? Screw it. What do I need to do to become a monk?"
Monk: "Really?"
The Guy: "Yeah! Screw it! I have this shitty 9 to 5 desk job that I hate. I'll never be able to get rid of this car. I'm stuck in this loveless marriage with my wife who I'm pretty sure is cheating on me with Steve from work. Also I don't think either one of my ungrateful shit head kids is mine. So screw it. What do I need to do to become a monk?"
Monk: "Well if you're that serious about it... You have to go out into the world and count every blade of grass and every pebble then come back to us with your answer."
The guy turns around and walks out the door and immediately starts counting blades of grass and Pebbles. Now he's very expeditious about this and 40 years later he returns. At this point he's an old hunch back from spending all this time looking at the ground and his skin is leathered and tan from spending 40 years in the sun. However he gives them his answer, and he's right! He did it. They welcome him into the Brotherhood with open arms.
The Guy: "Thank you so much for this opportunity. I've learned so much, not only about the world but myself as well on this journey. It's opened my eyes to so many things and ideas. Although it doesn't matter to me any more I still feel like I need to ask, do I get to know what the noises are now?"
The monks tell him that he ineed does and hand him a big ring of keys then take him to this big wooden door. He unlocks it, but behind it is an even bigger door made of iron.
Then one of steel.
Then one of bronze.
Then one of silver.
Then this HUGE door made of gold.
He turns to his newfound brothers as if to ask a question but they cut him off.
Monk: "Fear not my brother, all the answers you seek lie past one more door"
So he opens the gold door, then sees this massive door made of pure diamond. It's so big that you could drive a semi truck through it and it wouldn't even touch the sides. He walks up to it and unlocks it, and the click it makes echoes throughout the room. Then with all of his might he pushes open the door just wide enough to see what's inside. Then he sees it! He sees what was causing the noises, and he has this sudden moment of realization where things in the universe start to make sense and he has answers to questions he never knew that he had.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rhayh/a_guys_car_breaks_down_in_front_of_a_monestarey/
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Dad: What’s a lion and a witch doing in your wardrobe

Me: it’s Narnia Business....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rh5r9/dad_whats_a_lion_and_a_witch_doing_in_your/
%
What makes a tongue twister good?

Well, its hard to say

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rh32s/what_makes_a_tongue_twister_good/
%
A woman asks a therapist for advise with her marriage.

She complains that she has been married for thirty years, and has not had intercourse for the past five.
The therapist hands her a small vial, tells her to add one drop of the liquid to her husbands food every day.
She goes home, makes meatballs, adds a drop. Waits until her husband gets back, feels like one drop is not enough, adds one more. Adds another. Pours the whole thing in.
Finally her husband gets home, sits down to eat, and stares at his plate.
She asks anxiously- “Why aren’t you eating your meatballs?”
He replies - “How could I? They’re fucking!”
Translated this joke after hearing it in Russian. Let me know if it’s worth/not worth the effort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rh2xr/a_woman_asks_a_therapist_for_advise_with_her/
%
I went on a golfing trip with a friend of mine. He told me to meet him “on the green” at 7

It’s 7:15, I’m stoned out of my mind and have no idea where he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rh1n9/i_went_on_a_golfing_trip_with_a_friend_of_mine_he/
%
I was walking down a street and saw a man walking towards me...

He pointed at a building and said: “They are taking care of my old mother in there, i can’t go there and look into her eyes because my wife forced me to send her there. If you can please go in there and give this to her”.
I agreed to go in and give the box he gave me to his mother.
I found the blind old lady and as i went to give her the box, she said: “Is this you Fred? I knew you would come and visit me one day”.
“I am not your son!” I replied.
“Fred? Is this you?”  She said.
I didn’t want to make her feel upset so i told her that i am Fred so that she will feel happy.
As i said that, she yelled: “Finally my son has came to see me, i told you all he would come one day!”
Then i saw two securities coming towards me and took me to the woman in charge.
“Did you know that the bills for the past 4 months has not been paid yet?” She said.
No matter how hard i tried to tell them that i am not her son but they did not believe me.
So i wrote a check and paid her bills, atleast i felt good because i made that old lady happy.
Right before i leave the building, the i heard the blind old lady saying something to me: “Can you do me a favor son?”
“Yea sure!”, i replied.
“Can you please tell Fred that the bills are paid so he can come inside now before you leave?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rh0wx/i_was_walking_down_a_street_and_saw_a_man_walking/
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That’s it; I’ve given up on buying CDs and MP3s. From now on, I will only buy records.

And that’s vinyl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgx2h/thats_it_ive_given_up_on_buying_cds_and_mp3s_from/
%
I know loads of jokes about cash machines.

I just can't think of one atm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgwnj/i_know_loads_of_jokes_about_cash_machines/
%
Why don’t keyboards sleep?

Because they have two shifts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgwfi/why_dont_keyboards_sleep/
%
Cannibalism was the last resort but I had no other choice

I'm just bummed I can't walk anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgvk9/cannibalism_was_the_last_resort_but_i_had_no/
%
Attempt to set world record orgy falls short of its goal ...

"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgttp/attempt_to_set_world_record_orgy_falls_short_of/
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An old couple are going at it.

A widow and a widower meet in a retirement home. After weeks of talking and flirting they decide to convene in his room. Things begin to get hot and heavy.
He unbuttons her blouse and begins to fondle her breasts. She unzips his pants and starts playing with his dick. When he is erect he makes a move for her pants. Just about the time he gets them unfastened she stops him.
With a hand on her chest she says, “ We must be careful. I have acute angina.”
The old man says, “Good! Because you have the ugliest tits I’ve ever seen!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgthu/an_old_couple_are_going_at_it/
%
Did you hear about the Dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgsfs/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_pimp/
%
What is more amazing than a talking dog?

A spelling bee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgre1/what_is_more_amazing_than_a_talking_dog/
%
A woman with no arms and legs was crying on a beach..

She's lying there crying when a nice gentleman is jogging by and notices her crying. He says " Excuse me ma'am why are you crying?" She replies with " I've never been hugged before." So the gentleman gives her a hug and wishes her the best and jogs off.
A short while passes by before she starts to sob again. Around this time another gentleman is jogging and sees her crying. He says " Excuse me ma'am why are you crying?" The woman replies with " I have never been kissed before." So the gentleman gives her a kiss and wishes her the best as he jogs off.
Another while passes by before she starts to cry again. Lastly a third jogger jogs by and sees her crying. He says to her " excuse me ma'am why are you crying?" She is sobbing and replies " I have never been fucked before" So the jogger picks up the woman and throws her into the ocean and as he jogs off he says "well you're fucked now."
(Sorry for my terrible grammar)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgpnt/a_woman_with_no_arms_and_legs_was_crying_on_a/
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I just got done writing a book!

I think I now have authoritis...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgoq8/i_just_got_done_writing_a_book/
%
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an anti-vaxxer.

But let me give it a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgo5t/as_a_doctor_i_never_make_jokes_about_an_antivaxxer/
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My IQ is unmeasurable...

The scale doesn't go that low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgnrt/my_iq_is_unmeasurable/
%
Hey guys, What's the best compliment you can give to a girl you're flirting with?

"You remind me of my cousin"
But, it only works in Kentucky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgng5/hey_guys_whats_the_best_compliment_you_can_give/
%
What has 4 legs, is green, furry, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgl77/what_has_4_legs_is_green_furry_and_if_it_falls/
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TIL that if reddit is down you can still see all of the top posts of the previous week

You just have to visit Buzzfeed or ebaumsworld

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgkpt/til_that_if_reddit_is_down_you_can_still_see_all/
%
How do you tell if a man at a nude beach is blind?

It’s not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgj93/how_do_you_tell_if_a_man_at_a_nude_beach_is_blind/
%
My friends say I’m a pessimist

But I think it’s far worse than that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgirb/my_friends_say_im_a_pessimist/
%
I’m holding a charity tonight for people who can’t reach orgasm.

Let me know if you cant come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rghd2/im_holding_a_charity_tonight_for_people_who_cant/
%
The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgfx0/the_maid_asked_her_boss_the_wife_for_a_raise_and/
%
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch...

At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rgfbl/a_husband_and_wife_were_driving_through_louisiana/
%
Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m still working on it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rge9k/wanna_hear_a_construction_joke/
%
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that thing would never shut up.

But the bird was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rge1s/my_exgirlfriend_owned_a_parakeet_oh_my_god_that/
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Did you hear about the mean woman who died after falling into a sausage making machine in Germany?

She was the wurst...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rg9jm/did_you_hear_about_the_mean_woman_who_died_after/
%
My girlfriend refuses to vacuum the carpet

It’s like it’s beneath her or something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rg2if/my_girlfriend_refuses_to_vacuum_the_carpet/
%
How did Hitler keep his shoelaces from coming untied?

Little knotsies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rfzcy/how_did_hitler_keep_his_shoelaces_from_coming/
%
Have you heard of those psychos wanting to shift all cheese production to butter production?

Some men just want to watch the world churn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rfvy2/have_you_heard_of_those_psychos_wanting_to_shift/
%
My girlfriend is like my Netflix account

I pay for it and all my friends get to use it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rfrup/my_girlfriend_is_like_my_netflix_account/
%
The job interviewer asked...

The job interviewer asked: "What's your biggest weakness?"
Me: "I don't know when to quit..."
Interviewer: "You're hired!"
Me: "I quit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rfre6/the_job_interviewer_asked/
%
A sheep finds a penny on the street

"Better than mutton."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rfmpt/a_sheep_finds_a_penny_on_the_street/
%
Kids may be a gift.....

But I like playing with the box it came in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rfhdp/kids_may_be_a_gift/
%
I finally joined Christian mingle..

my user name is comegetpsalm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rfg3a/i_finally_joined_christian_mingle/
%
I feel sorry for school children now

It must be so much harder to convince the teacher that your dog deleted your homework.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rffs5/i_feel_sorry_for_school_children_now/
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What did Jane say to Woody during their threesome with Buzz Lightyear?

You've got a friend in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rffkf/what_did_jane_say_to_woody_during_their_threesome/
%
Pornhub was sued a few months ago by xhamster

The trial was long and hard, but ended with a hung jury

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rff6t/pornhub_was_sued_a_few_months_ago_by_xhamster/
%
Tell a man a joke and he will last for a day...

Tell a Redditor a joke and he will repost for a lifetime!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rfew0/tell_a_man_a_joke_and_he_will_last_for_a_day/
%
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on its own?

I️t was two-tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rfbx1/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
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What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rfbnb/what_has_two_butts_and_kills_people/
%
A joke from my Filipino uncle...

It is common in the Philippines for families to live in one-bedroom homes.
One night a couple wanted to make love, and so they had their child look the window. As the couple made love, the child continued to look out the window without turning around.
When the couple was done, the father asked the child “so, what did you see out the window?”
The child replied “the neighbors were making love too.”
Confused, the father asked “how could you tell?”
The child answered “their kid was looking at me from their window too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rfaq3/a_joke_from_my_filipino_uncle/
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Two blondes were building a house.

When one blonde looked over, she saw the other blonde throwing away every other nail!
"What the hell is wrong with these nails?" said the second blonde, "the heads are on the wrong end"
"You idiot!" says the first blonde, "they're for the other side of the house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rfa7r/two_blondes_were_building_a_house/
%
I don't understand people who don't recycle...

Why would you buy a bike and only ride it once?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rf8dd/i_dont_understand_people_who_dont_recycle/
%
What do you call a bomb made of cows

A mooclear missile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rf7w9/what_do_you_call_a_bomb_made_of_cows/
%
Growing up on a farm I learned pig’s orgasm could last 30 minutes

I could always feel they were faking it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rf77z/growing_up_on_a_farm_i_learned_pigs_orgasm_could/
%
The most dangerous thing about the World Cup being held in Russia

is ensuring the Kremlin doesn't eat after midnight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rf6zo/the_most_dangerous_thing_about_the_world_cup/
%
Ever since learning the meaning of the word exponentially my use of the word exponentially has increased

loads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rf611/ever_since_learning_the_meaning_of_the_word/
%
My ex-wife used to drink a lot. One night I got sick of seeing her stagger around the backyard.

That’s when I decided to shoot her a second time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rf301/my_exwife_used_to_drink_a_lot_one_night_i_got/
%
The other night I got really drunk at a bar. I started telling some very racist jokes and when I looked up a good friend of mine who is black happened to be there. I felt awful about it and called him up to apologize first thing the next morning.

He said he wasn’t even at the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rf27z/the_other_night_i_got_really_drunk_at_a_bar_i/
%
A female fungus asked a male fungus to a date...

He replied, “I always knew I was a fungi.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rf1l9/a_female_fungus_asked_a_male_fungus_to_a_date/
%
What do a walrus and tupperware both enjoy? NSFW

A tight seal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rf154/what_do_a_walrus_and_tupperware_both_enjoy_nsfw/
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Mother is shocked when her daughter comes back from school with five dollars worth of quarters.

Daughter: “the boys at school kept dropping these quarters in front of me and I kept picking them up.”
Mother: “ no honey, don’t. The boys at school are probably looking at your underwear under your skirt when you reach down for the quarters....”
So the daughter goes back to school the next day comes back home again with ten dollars in quarters.
Mother: “ Honey. What did I tell you...? Were you picking up quarters again?”
Daughter: “it’s ok mommy. I fooled them because I didn’t wear any underwear today.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rf0dy/mother_is_shocked_when_her_daughter_comes_back/
%
What do tooth cavities and anal cavities have in common?

They both feel better when they get filled in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rf010/what_do_tooth_cavities_and_anal_cavities_have_in/
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I gave my blind friend a Lego piece so he could tell me what it says.

I kept giving him more and more pieces.
Apparently, from what I've seen, all Lego pieces read "Fuck you, asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rezxb/i_gave_my_blind_friend_a_lego_piece_so_he_could/
%
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves
Looks like the boa cons tricked her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rex7i/a_woman_tried_to_order_an_exotic_snake_online/
%
What rhymes with Tortilla?

I'm making a rap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rewab/what_rhymes_with_tortilla/
%
Mr. Stark, I'm not feeling so good...

Rene Descartes get home from work.
Wife: You forgot groceries again!?
Descartes: I'm sorry honey, I wasn't thinking.
*Descartes slowly fades from existence*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8reroo/mr_stark_im_not_feeling_so_good/
%
I'm reading a romance in braille

It's a touching story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8repqy/im_reading_a_romance_in_braille/
%
How can you tell you're in a gay church?

Only half the congregation is kneeling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rep49/how_can_you_tell_youre_in_a_gay_church/
%
When I do the gardening, I alphabetise my herbs, people often ask how I find the time.

I respond with "Easy, Thyme is right between the Tarragon and Turmeric"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rener/when_i_do_the_gardening_i_alphabetise_my_herbs/
%
Two potatoes are on a street corner. How do you tell which one’s a hooker?

The one that says “Idaho”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rei0s/two_potatoes_are_on_a_street_corner_how_do_you/
%
Two electrician friends meet at the hardware store after work

and chat about LED fixtures and other areas of illuminating rooms for a few hours. When the one electrician returns home to his wife that asks what took so long, he replies
"Me and my friend were just having a light conversation at the store."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rehiu/two_electrician_friends_meet_at_the_hardware/
%
A man goes to the doctor

"Doctor," he says, "I'm worried that I might be losing my hearing."
"Oh," replies the doctor, "can you describe the symptoms?"
"Of course," says the man, "Homer's a fat idiot and Marge has big blue hair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rehiv/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Just dropped my phone in load of mayo...

What the HELLMANN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ref68/just_dropped_my_phone_in_load_of_mayo/
%
When you hear somebody shout your name after you have just left pee on the toilet seat,

You know urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ref35/when_you_hear_somebody_shout_your_name_after_you/
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I’ve often wondered why Chinese people prefer open-coffin funerals...

But I guess seeing is bereaving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ref1u/ive_often_wondered_why_chinese_people_prefer/
%
“I’m here to see the doctor.”

Secretary: “Which doctor?”
“I suppose, if the real doctor is booked.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8red7t/im_here_to_see_the_doctor/
%
There's a new category of gay men that has arisen as a response to the whole polyamory movement.

They believe firmly in the idea of monogamy and settling down to roost with one partner, rather than sleeping around. Because of this, they call themselves "Roosters," and they say a cock a dude'll do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8recz6/theres_a_new_category_of_gay_men_that_has_arisen/
%
Why didn't Neo ever cuddle Trinity from behind in bed?

Because there is no spoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rec20/why_didnt_neo_ever_cuddle_trinity_from_behind_in/
%
Today I saw a frequency of 16.667 mHz...

Took me a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8re8ub/today_i_saw_a_frequency_of_16667_mhz/
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Dear SoundCloud rappers who shout "aye you already know who it isssssss"

No we do not.
sincerely, the general population

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8re8dn/dear_soundcloud_rappers_who_shout_aye_you_already/
%
Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape

I'm always running out of ideas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8re6pi/being_a_writer_keeps_me_in_great_physical_shape/
%
What do you call a beautiful women in England?

A tourist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8re5pu/what_do_you_call_a_beautiful_women_in_england/
%
Redneck murders are hard to solve..

There's no dental record and the DNA is all the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8re5d1/redneck_murders_are_hard_to_solve/
%
Did you know that if you rearrange the letters of "Postmen"

They get really angry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8re4sk/did_you_know_that_if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of/
%
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"

I couldn't if I tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8re1rg/someone_asked_me_to_sing_a_line_from_dont_go/
%
No one believes seniors...

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile
An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -  fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Let’s get out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8re1ey/no_one_believes_seniors/
%
My 6-Year-old came up to me While I was paying thetaxes on my laptop

6yr: What game are you playing?
Me: Paying the taxes.
6yr: Are you winning?
Me: No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8re0jm/my_6yearold_came_up_to_me_while_i_was_paying/
%
I couldn't give a shit if it's my birthday or not.

Does that make me annually retentive?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rdxy2/i_couldnt_give_a_shit_if_its_my_birthday_or_not/
%
What's the difference between a waiter and a proctologist?

A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rdxdq/whats_the_difference_between_a_waiter_and_a/
%
What sort of elf lives in a can?

A sprite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rdvpr/what_sort_of_elf_lives_in_a_can/
%
A man goes to the doctor

Man: Doc, my dick is orange.
Doctor: Please undress and I will have a look.
The man does as asked and the doctor does his examinations. However, after 15 minutes of tests the doctor gives up.
Doctor: I have no idea why your penis is orange. Perhaps I can learn more by your daily routine. Tell me what you do everyday.
Man; Not much.. watching porn and eating BBQ potato chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rds23/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
I like my women like I like my microwaves.

Void of intellect and will kill anything alive inside of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rdqq6/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_microwaves/
%
A man gets a call that his wife was in a terrible accident....

He rushes off to the hospital, upon arriving he sees the doctor approaching him. The doctor says, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is she’s going to make it, the bad news is, she’s never gonna walk again, she’ll need twenty-four hour care, and the insurance isn’t going to cover it... upon hearing this the man is devastated, how will I pay for all this? The doctor replies, nah man I’m kidding, she’s dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rdq8e/a_man_gets_a_call_that_his_wife_was_in_a_terrible/
%
Have you heard about the new super sensitive condoms?

They hang around after the guy leaves and talk to the woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rdnt5/have_you_heard_about_the_new_super_sensitive/
%
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, “No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rdnfr/my_wife_accused_me_of_hating_her_family_and/
%
The most successful investor was Noah.

He floated stock, while everything else around him went into liquidation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rdn6z/the_most_successful_investor_was_noah/
%
A group of elderly folks were watching television at the retirement home...

They were enjoying their show until it was time for a commercial break. Having nothing else to do, they stayed sitting and watched the commercials. Suddenly, one advertisement displayed attractive men and women in rubber bodysuits, latex clothing, and BDSM-looking outfits. The elderly were aghast.
No one expected the Spandex intermission.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rdh3d/a_group_of_elderly_folks_were_watching_television/
%
So a man has a 25 inch dick

A man has a 25 inch dick and he hates it
It always gets in the way, he has to wrap it around his leg wherever he goes, and it never fits in a woman.
So he goes to this magic wizard to help him get a shorter dick.  The wizard tells him to go into the nearby forest and find this talking frog.  The wizard tells the man to ask the frog to marry him and if the frog says no then his dick will shrink 5 inches.
So the man ventures into the forest and lo and behold he finds the talking frog.  He goes to the frog and asks:
"Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog is baffled by the request and responds with a stern
"No!"
And just as the wizard said his dick shrunk 5 inches, so he asked the frog again:
"Frog, will you marry me??"
The frog, slightly annoyed, responds again with:
"Are you kidding me? No!!"
And just as the first time his dick shrunk another 5 inches.  Now the man thought to himself, 10 inches is a perfectly sized dick, if he could just shrink his dick another 5 inches that would be perfect!
So he asks the frog one more time:
"Frog, will you marry me???"
And the frog responds:
"Didn't you hear me the first two times?! No, No, NO!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rdf4c/so_a_man_has_a_25_inch_dick/
%
What does Kenny G fantasize about every night?

Saxual intercourse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rd96c/what_does_kenny_g_fantasize_about_every_night/
%
I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rd2o7/ive_just_started_to_read_a_horror_novel_in_braille/
%
Russia won against Saudi Arabia...

Counter Terrorist wins!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rcxkq/russia_won_against_saudi_arabia/
%
Running culture has gotten weird

Back in my day we wore running shoes and shorts and just tried our best, but I showed up to a 3K and all the people were in hoods and robes and they were all super unpleasant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rcr01/running_culture_has_gotten_weird/
%
I do all my own stunts

But never intentionally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rcpxx/i_do_all_my_own_stunts/
%
A Spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says: “Uno, dos....”\*POOF!!\*  He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rcpjf/a_spanish_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
%
The doctor shakes his head and tells the man, "I have no idea what's wrong with you. I'll need a urine specimen, plus sperm and stool samples."

The guy says, "I'm kind of in a hurry. Can I just leave you my shorts?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rcorz/the_doctor_shakes_his_head_and_tells_the_man_i/
%
The past, present and future are talking in a bar

"We're fucked," said future. "I can see it."
"Live for today friend," present replied.
Past pounded the table. "Impossible! Historically, this is the worst it's ever been!"
The bartender looked up. "Relax! Is it always this tense when you guys argue?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rci1v/the_past_present_and_future_are_talking_in_a_bar/
%
A women walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre

So the bar tender gives it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rcgso/a_women_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
%
Welshman

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Yep."
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman: "Dog dont talk But."
Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welshman: (Look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse dont talk but."
Englishman: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheeps a liar bud!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rcexw/welshman/
%
Doctor: Sir, i'm afraid your DNA is backwards

Me: And ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rcdvt/doctor_sir_im_afraid_your_dna_is_backwards/
%
Damn Liar

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he ha JJs a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment having sex with her.
Hours go by and suddenly he realizes is's almost 3am. 'Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!' he exclaimed. 'Quick give me some talcum powder!' She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. 'Where the hell have you been?'
He says, 'Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.' 'Let me see your hands!' she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
'Damn liar, you were out bowling again!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rcbma/damn_liar/
%
The more you take the more you leave behind.

Shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rc9z5/the_more_you_take_the_more_you_leave_behind/
%
What did the cop say to the man peeing in an alley?

“Urine trouble!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rc9uj/what_did_the_cop_say_to_the_man_peeing_in_an_alley/
%
My friends told me my clothes were gay...

I replied: "yeah, they came out of the closet this morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rc8wg/my_friends_told_me_my_clothes_were_gay/
%
I'm tired of Italian-Americans being stereotyped as Mobsters...

No, just because we're Italian doesn't mean we're in the Mafia.
But I know a guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rc4mc/im_tired_of_italianamericans_being_stereotyped_as/
%
I used to have a problem with my sinuses

Until I bought a calculator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rc4lq/i_used_to_have_a_problem_with_my_sinuses/
%
A 40 year old couple are hiking in the woods

... They eventually stumble upon Santa Claus. "I will grant you one wish each!" Santa told them. "I want a new car!" The man said, "I want a new TV!" the woman said. Santa Claus, with a smile on his face ".. But on one condition". "and what's that?" the man said, already confused with the encounter. "you'll allow me to have good time with your wife". The couple was shocked and appealed, but eventually they agreed on the condition. Santa and the woman walked into the woods leaving the man behind waiting. After a while, both of them came back. "How old are you?" Santa asked the man, "forty three" the man answered. Santa Claus replied "And you still believe in Santa?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rc46c/a_40_year_old_couple_are_hiking_in_the_woods/
%
What do you call a group of beached whales?

A tide pod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rc04w/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_beached_whales/
%
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.

The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.
No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released. Then the biologist was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rbx4a/a_chemist_a_biologist_and_an_electrical_engineer/
%
I'm afraid of speed bumps

But I'm slowly getting over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rbvc5/im_afraid_of_speed_bumps/
%
A lot of people though Mel Gibson was a bad choice for Braveheart. They said there was no way he could be Scottish.

But look at him now, he’s an alcoholic and he’s racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rbtex/a_lot_of_people_though_mel_gibson_was_a_bad/
%
A guy walks into a bar

He sits down and takes a tiny man and a piano out of his pocket, puts it down and the tiny man starts to play. "Where did you get him from?" Asked the bar man. "I got him from a genie" says the man. "Would you like a turn?" He says offering the lamp to the bar man. Of coarse the bar man takes it, rubs the lamp and says to the genie "I wish for a million bucks!" And BAM the entire bar is full of ducks. "What the hell!" Exclaimed the bar man, "I wished for a million bucks, not ducks!". To which the man replied "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rbt4r/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."

Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."
Mother: "Yes, you do."
Victor: "Give me one good reason."
Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rbt1o/mother_come_on_victor_you_have_to_get_out_of_bed/
%
What does a pessimistic German say to his wife before sex?

“Prepare for the wurst.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rbp08/what_does_a_pessimistic_german_say_to_his_wife/
%
A fish walks into a bar.

"What'll it be?" the bartender asks. "Gin? Whiskey?
"Water," the fish says, and collapses.
•
^this ^is ^what ^you ^get ^when ^jokes ^are ^OC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rbjk7/a_fish_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Senior Shoplifter

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"
The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
"Yes, sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rbira/senior_shoplifter/
%
A prince in a distant and very rich kingdom decided it was time to get married.

After announcing his intentions, three beautiful noble women showed up as candidates.
Not knowing which one he should marry, the prince had the idea of proposing a contest. He gave 1000 golden coins to each woman and told them: "You have 5 days to spend all of this coins, then come back to me and I'll decide who I'll be marrying."
After 5 days, the women came back. The first one said:
"My prince, I spent all of my coins in beautiful dresses and jewelry, so I could be the most beautiful bride, for you, of course."
The second woman said:
"My prince, I bought you a magnificent stallion and the most splendorous armor I could buy with that gold, all of that for you."
The third one said:
"My prince, I invested all the gold in market goods, sold them to a neighbour kingdom and doubled the gold you gave me. And here it is, all for you."
Then the prince went to his room to evaluate all of their actions.
After thinking for a while he came out with his decision: he chose the one with the biggest boobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rbhea/a_prince_in_a_distant_and_very_rich_kingdom/
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One day in a Sunday school class, there was a girl happily paying attention during the teacher's lecture

but there was a boy behind her that kept poking her with a stick. During this, the teacher began to call on the girl and ask her questions.
Teacher: Who do we believe in?
*poke
Girl: God!
Teacher: Very good. Who died for our sins?
*poke
Girl: Jesus Christ!
Teacher: Excellent! What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 6th child?
*poke
Girl: If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rbh1a/one_day_in_a_sunday_school_class_there_was_a_girl/
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Nasty Grandpa

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?
" The little boy answered no.
Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!"
The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rbdu2/nasty_grandpa/
%
There were two girls having a shower together.

One girl said to the other "How come you dont have any hairs on your pussy "The girl replied, "Have you ever seen grass grow on busy road?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rbd5q/there_were_two_girls_having_a_shower_together/
%
Why can’t T. rex touch their toes

They are all dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rbd4n/why_cant_t_rex_touch_their_toes/
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Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes...

That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rbb7b/before_your_criticize_someone_walk_a_mile_in/
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Holocaust Jokes Collection

Why did Hitler kill himself?
\- He got the gas bill
\--------------------------------------------------------------
Where was the highest concentration of Jews after world war 2?
\- The atmosphere
\--------------------------------------------------------------
How did they call the Jewish bakery in world war 2?
\- Baguetto
\--------------------------------------------------------------
Hitler asks a kid how old he is.
Kid: “Will be 7 next month.”
Hitler: “OPTIMISTIC, HA?!?!”
\--------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
\- The pizza doesn’t scream in the oven.
\--------------------------------------------------------------
Hitler told his assistant that he is going to kill 6 million Jews and a clown
The assistant asked, why the clown?
Hitler replied, you see I knew the Jews don’t matter
\--------------------------------------------------------------
Hitler took some Jews to a cliff, he tells the first Jew,
Put both your right foot and left hand up, so he did, and Hitler pushes him over the cliff.
Hitler tells the next Jew to raise both of his hands, the Jew did raise his hands, and yet again Hitler pushed him over the edge.
Suddenly one of Hitler assistants shows up and tells him, “Hitler you got a phone call”,
Hitler responses “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M PLAYING TETRIS!!”
\--------------------------------------------------------------
What was the favorite holocaust children’s game?
A pile of children
\--------------------------------------------------------------
Two Nazis were talking next to the incinerator, One Nazi asked the other,
“Hey man, do you smell Carmel?”
The other responds, “That’s not Carmel, that’s just some Jews with diabetes”
\--------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between Jews and Boy scouts?
\- Boy scouts actually do return from the camp.
\--------------------------------------------------------------
What does “KFC” stands for?
\- "Kurchacks Fried Children"
\--------------------------------------------------------------
Knock knock
Who is there?
NEIN!!! I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE
\--------------------------------------------------------------
What is even more disgusting then seeing 5 children on 1 tree?
\- Seeing 1 children on 5 trees.
\--------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rb8mf/holocaust_jokes_collection/
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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing they were both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rb5t7/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rb4mv/whats_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
%
I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a shit in days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rb2bg/im_emotionally_constipated/
%
r/Jokes has the best chefs on the Internet.

They can make copy pasta from last week without it being different at all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rb1ej/rjokes_has_the_best_chefs_on_the_internet/
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I saw a robbery at an Apple Store today...

I guess that makes me an iWitness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rav7w/i_saw_a_robbery_at_an_apple_store_today/
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What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Your spine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rat95/what_human_body_part_is_long_hard_bendable_and/
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My granddad went to Vietnam and singlehandedly fought and injured 30 North Vietnamese.

Next year, we are vacationing somewhere else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8raqmp/my_granddad_went_to_vietnam_and_singlehandedly/
%
Why do praying mantises pray?

Because they are in sects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8raq2e/why_do_praying_mantises_pray/
%
When does a dad joke become a dark joke?

When the father is missing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ransu/when_does_a_dad_joke_become_a_dark_joke/
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A report has concluded that paedophiles should be re-educated.

What a great idea, let's send paedophiles back to school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ragku/a_report_has_concluded_that_paedophiles_should_be/
%
What's the difference between red and green?

Fuck all apparently if you’re on a bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rafwz/whats_the_difference_between_red_and_green/
%
My girlfriend said that if I tell her a good joke she'll try deepthroat

A gag for a gag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8rafm8/my_girlfriend_said_that_if_i_tell_her_a_good_joke/
%
A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their clothing. She lies down, naked, and beckons him forward as she says "I wanna 69." The guy replies "You want a Beef and Broccoli NOW?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ra94l/a_chinese_delivery_guy_has_a_regular_customer/
%
My wife had been missing for a week.

The cops said to prepare for the worst.
So I went down to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ra8h3/my_wife_had_been_missing_for_a_week/
%
My doctor asked me, "Are you active sexually?" [NSFW]

I told her, "No, I just kind of lay there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ra34q/my_doctor_asked_me_are_you_active_sexually_nsfw/
%
What’s the biggest challenge saudi teenagers face?

Losing their mom in the mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ra26m/whats_the_biggest_challenge_saudi_teenagers_face/
%
What do you call a bunch of white people on a bench?

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r9zk3/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_people_on_a/
%
Two gentlemen walk into a bar and sit down. The first man asks the bartender for some "H2O."

The second man, nodding in agreement says, "I'll have some H2O too."
The bartender quickly gets their drinks together and sets it down in front of them. The first man takes a sip of water and comments how refreshing that was.
The second man pulls out a knife and stabs the first man a bunch of times until he's dead, and yells, "That's for screwing my daughter!"
With blood now all over the second man, he takes his own beverage cup and cleans up the blood with the H2O2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r9yjb/two_gentlemen_walk_into_a_bar_and_sit_down_the/
%
In an alternate universe, Aladdin stumbles upon the magic lamp

He picks it up, rubs it and out pops the genie. In this universe, however, the genie only grants you *one* wish and it’s from three pre-selected items of the genie. Aladdin, who obviously doesn’t know about the original story and therefor have no objections, happily accepts these ridiculous rules.
Aladdin: So, Genie, what are the three items I get to choose from?
Genie: Well, Aladdin, I saw your monkey friend when you were singing “*One Jump Ahead*” previously.
Aladdin: What, you saw us?! How?
Genie: Doesn’t matter. But as a first item, I've got what Abu lost fighting those guards.
Aladdin: Wow, that's nice! I’m already excited about what else you’ve got in store for me.
Genie: Okay, so I also know that you like stealing apples--
Aladdin: Wait, how do you all these things about me?!
Genie: *SILENCE!* Anyhow, since you like stealing apples, *Aladdin*, I’ve also got this branch from a pretty nice apple tree.
Aladdin: Ooookay? Well, I sure know what I’m most excited about…
Genie: Hah! But there’s still one thing left that I haven’t presented to you. In a near feature, you will meet that lovely lady again, who you helped out stealing an apple. And when you meet here again, and since she's a princess, you cannot walk around smelling like dead fish.
Aladdin: Still creepy, and rude, but I catch your drift.
Genie: So, what’s it gonna be, Aladdin? You have my sword, my bough, and my Axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r9s4s/in_an_alternate_universe_aladdin_stumbles_upon/
%
Ask not what your country can do for you..

because it’s too corrupt to be of much help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r9njz/ask_not_what_your_country_can_do_for_you/
%
People are always amazed at the skilled tattoo artists in Spain.

No one expects the Spanish ink precision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r9n89/people_are_always_amazed_at_the_skilled_tattoo/
%
I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs

In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r9ln0/i_got_thrown_out_of_the_amputee_club_for_having/
%
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r9ijn/a_man_goes_to_his_male_doctor_after_several_tests/
%
Where do evil mathematicians go?

Prism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r9dvk/where_do_evil_mathematicians_go/
%
A man is at the dentist for a check up

"You have terrible, terrible  breath!" the dentist says.
"You should let your doctor check it out,  this is really abnormal." he continues.
So  the man goes to his doctor.
The doctor does a little examination of the  man and says:
"Either you stop biting your nails or stop scratching  your ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r9d94/a_man_is_at_the_dentist_for_a_check_up/
%
What's the difference between fruit and a child.

You can only blend one of them legally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r9b6r/whats_the_difference_between_fruit_and_a_child/
%
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Furiously she asks, "Bob what the hell are you doing!?"
Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r9a8z/in_a_mental_institution_a_nurse_walks_into_a_room/
%
FUN FACT: Mr. Spock actually had 3 ears.....

His left ear his right ear and a final front ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r99ex/fun_fact_mr_spock_actually_had_3_ears/
%
What's the difference between a superhero and an ant that cannot speak?

Nothing, both are mutants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8zcv/whats_the_difference_between_a_superhero_and_an/
%
I tell this joke only to friends.

Thats why I havent told it even once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8ryu/i_tell_this_joke_only_to_friends/
%
I worked out how long the Battle Royale trend is going to last

A fortnight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8r0v/i_worked_out_how_long_the_battle_royale_trend_is/
%
Why did the Hulk kick everyone called Bruce from his subreddit?

Because he's Bruce Banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8qry/why_did_the_hulk_kick_everyone_called_bruce_from/
%
A man arrives at the gas station...

A man arrives at the gas station and begins refueling. The owner of the gas station is nearby and hears strange rumbling and knocking noises from the trunk of the car. Fearing there is a human body in there he runs to the car and opens the trunk. To his amazement, he finds three living penguins who stare at him.
The owner of the car says: ‚Yeah I know. I have no idea how they got there or what to do with them...‘
The gas station owner says: ‚How about you take them to the local zoo?‘
Car owner: ‚Oh I didn‘t know there was one! I will do that, thank you!‘
A week later the same car (and man) is back at the gas station refueling. The gas station owner comes to greet him - when he again hears the same noises from the trunk as last week. He goes straight to the trunk and opens it - and there are the three penguins. With swim caps.
Gas station owner: ‚Didn‘t I tell you to bring these animals to the zoo?‘
Car owner: ‚Yes you did. Splendid idea, we had a blast! Today we are going to the swimming pool!‘

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8pu7/a_man_arrives_at_the_gas_station/
%
It's Dale's last day as a postman

25 years he's been delivering the mail to the same neighborhood. When it was time to retire, he let everyone know ahead of time, that way if there was an issue with their mail, they new it would be a new letter carrier. As he made his way along his route, he found little going away gifts from some the people. In one mailbox he found a set of fly fishing lures, in another he found a box of cigars and yet another a flask with his initials on it when he came to a home that had been recently purchased by a young couple. Upon opening the mailbox he found a note that said, "Knock on the front door. I have something for you." When the door opened he saw a young woman in nothing but a robe. Without a word she took him by the hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom where they had the best sex he had ever had all his years. She motions to the shower and he gets cleaned up. When he comes downstairs he smells bacon, eggs, coffee, and toast. She points to the chair and he sits and eats the breakfast. When he is done he picks up the cup of coffee to find that there is a dollar under the cup. Dale, puzzled, asks "um, I really enjoyed the sex, and the breakfast was wonderful, but what is the dollar for?" To which she replied, "when I asked my husband what we should give you for a retirement gift he said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8ogr/its_dales_last_day_as_a_postman/
%
I asked my mum:

"How much is a couple?"
"2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8odf/i_asked_my_mum/
%
I reported a cashier to her management for sexually harassing me

She was checking me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8mbh/i_reported_a_cashier_to_her_management_for/
%
Yet another day at the retirement community.

George and Helen had been flirting with each other for weeks and finally found themselves at a point where intimate relations were mere moments away.
Helen, trusting in the moment, whispers to George, "Be gentle, I have acute angina."
George, a bit hearing impaired, replies, "Thank God, your tits don't do a thing for me. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8jza/yet_another_day_at_the_retirement_community/
%
An owner of a box manufacturer company goes to his son's school one day...

"Hey kids, I make boxes! Have any questions?"
One kid raised his hand...
"Yea, why does my dad keep talking about filling my mom's box, shouldn't he get his own?"
"Shut up son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8ij6/an_owner_of_a_box_manufacturer_company_goes_to/
%
Yesterday my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8guz/yesterday_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her_lipstick/
%
My doctor asked me if I am a regular weed smoker.

As far as I know I ain't doing it any differently than everyone else, so I said, "Well, I ain't trying to reinvent the wheel, doc."
He checked 'yes'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8fpm/my_doctor_asked_me_if_i_am_a_regular_weed_smoker/
%
What do you call it when Jesus leaves you on read?

Getting Holy Ghosted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8f2d/what_do_you_call_it_when_jesus_leaves_you_on_read/
%
My dad got fired for taking me to work.

Apparently, Bring Your Kid to Work Day doesn’t apply to gynecologists!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8eyo/my_dad_got_fired_for_taking_me_to_work/
%
What do you say when you accidently walk in on your gay slav friend?

The Czech is in the male!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8d5q/what_do_you_say_when_you_accidently_walk_in_on/
%
A ventriloquist walks into a bar (Long)

Starts doing his stand-up routine, where he’s really trying to establish himself. After too many jokes ending with awkward silences punctuated with a few small titters of laughter, he decides to go to ol’ faithful and break out the ol’ ventriloquist dummy. He hones in on the easiest target he can think of straightaway, and starts firing off the blonde jokes.
It’s an instant hit and he starts getting the laughs he’s been hoping for. But, after sitting angrily through several jokes, a young blonde woman stands up and shouts “HEY!!! I’ve heard enough of these stereotypical jokes!! It’s people like YOU who give us blondes a bad name!”
Flustered, the comedian trips over his own words for a moment. He only manages to blurt to the woman, “Miss, I’m so sorry. Truly- I didn’t mean any offense.” To which she replies, “You stay outta this mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8bxr/a_ventriloquist_walks_into_a_bar_long/
%
Did you know that the boomerang is Australia's biggest export?

It's also their biggest import.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8bgm/did_you_know_that_the_boomerang_is_australias/
%
A scrawny accountant goes to prison.

His first night there he meets his cell mate, a huge burly tattooed dangerous looking man. His cell mate says to him, “listen here fucker we’re going to play house, now do you want to be the man or do you want to be the wife?”  The accountant thinks about it for a minute and answers meekly, “well I guess I want to be the man.”  The cell mate says, “alright then get over here and suck your wife’s dick.”
Not my joke, heard it years ago and don’t remember the comedians name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r8adn/a_scrawny_accountant_goes_to_prison/
%
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A hippo is big and fat; a zippo is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r89do/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Have you noticed that if you google the phrase "lost medieval servant boy"

It comes back with "this page cannot be found"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r897r/have_you_noticed_that_if_you_google_the_phrase/
%
Robbin Williams was on a talk show in Germany

They asked him, “Why do you think comedy is not big in Germany?”
“Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?”
“No.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r88s8/robbin_williams_was_on_a_talk_show_in_germany/
%
They say: "Crime doesn't pay"

that's why criminals have to steal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r88ne/they_say_crime_doesnt_pay/
%
A Pirate Walks into a Bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
Bartender: Hey bud, ya know you have a steering wheel in your pants?
Pirate: Aargh, I know. It's drivin' me nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r87kw/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I swear, that's the last time I smoke with a Mexican girl!

As soon as I asked "you got any papers?" she took off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r80ac/i_swear_thats_the_last_time_i_smoke_with_a/
%
My wife was dying...

I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r7znu/my_wife_was_dying/
%
I saw 3 trees in a group today...

One more and it would have been a fourest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r7sfj/i_saw_3_trees_in_a_group_today/
%
What do you call of herd of masturbating cows?

Beef strokinoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r7saw/what_do_you_call_of_herd_of_masturbating_cows/
%
What does dark humour and food have in common?

Some people don't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r7pfa/what_does_dark_humour_and_food_have_in_common/
%
I got cursed out by a flight attendant for asking to be moved away from a screaming baby

Apparently they don’t like that if it’s your baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r7nj8/i_got_cursed_out_by_a_flight_attendant_for_asking/
%
I forgot to pay for my exorcism

So I got repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r7lun/i_forgot_to_pay_for_my_exorcism/
%
3 men were at a bar, [NSFW]

After a few drinks they began to talk about their wives and after many more the topic of conversation shifted to who was better at sex. The three men argued for an hour until finally they had a solution, they would go home and have sex with their wife and whoever got theirs ti scream the longest was the best. The next day the 3 men met at the bar to discuss who won the bet, the first man said “we made love for the first time in 2 years and at the end she screamed for 30 seconds. The second man said that him and his wife lasted for an hour and when it was all over she screamed for 3 minuets.  The final man took a sip from his drink and said i fucked my wife for 20 seconds, pulled out my schlong, and wiped it on the drapes and she is still screaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r7ehq/3_men_were_at_a_bar_nsfw/
%
A man with a 15 inch penis wants a size reduction...

He feels his penis is just too big so he goes and asks a witch if she can make it smaller. The witch says she can't, but she instructs him to go into the forest to find a purple toad. She says "get the toad to say 'no' to you and your penis will shrink by 3 inches." So the man sets off into the forest and eventually finds the purple toad. He thinks for a second and says to the toad "Will you have sex with me?" The toad replies "What?! No!" Sure enough, the man's penis shrunk 3 inches. He still thinks it's too big so he tries again. "Won't you please have sex with me?" Again the toad replies "No! Go away!" The man thinks he'll do it one more time to get 6 inches so he says "come on, just have sex with me." And the toad replies "No! No! No! A thousand times no!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r7dgr/a_man_with_a_15_inch_penis_wants_a_size_reduction/
%
A bar owner has a contest...

The contest is if you can make his horse laugh AND cry within 15 minutes, you can have any and all drinks for free. He knows the contest is quite impossible but, he does it for his own amusement while he’s there. Many have come and all have failed. Very few have actually made the horse laugh or cry but none have gotten the horse to do both in the short period of time.
A man walks in, like so many before him, and says “I’m ready to take your challenge and make your horse laugh and cry.” The bartender says “ha-ha if you say so. The horse is in the back of the bar in the room on the right. Good luck!” The man heads to the back of the bar, finds the horse and begins. The bar owner quickly hears his horse laugh. He’s a little nervous but knows there’s no way he can also make it cry. He then hears an unmistakeable horse cry coming from the room.
Out walks the man to see the stunned bar owner. “I...I can’t believe it. Rules are rules though. You’ve won. Before you make your first free drink order, I must know, how did you make my horse laugh AND cry?!” The man replies, “well, it was rather quite easy. I walked in, looked the horse in the eyes and said ‘my dick is bigger than yours’ and your horse laughed”.  The bar owner says “okay, that’s a good joke but, how did you make him cry?” To which the man replies, “I showed him...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r74ot/a_bar_owner_has_a_contest/
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I'll never fly Virgin Airlines.....

Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r73rz/ill_never_fly_virgin_airlines/
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Instead of marijuana dispensaries why don't they just call it..

Grass stations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r738y/instead_of_marijuana_dispensaries_why_dont_they/
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A new heavy metal Christian Rock band has started up.

They're called Nuns 'n' Moses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r72g7/a_new_heavy_metal_christian_rock_band_has_started/
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What has a hundred eyes but only 2 teeth?

A retirement home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6ykm/what_has_a_hundred_eyes_but_only_2_teeth/
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A New Zealand Joke

A Maori Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital , so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doc; "Chur, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doc; "Chuuur. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doc; "Chuuuur, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
~ Billy T James

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6xpw/a_new_zealand_joke/
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Why did the German cross the road?

Because the electronic traffic signal indicated that it was the appropriate time to do so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6wxw/why_did_the_german_cross_the_road/
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My relationship with corn is perfect.

It'll never turn to shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6tgq/my_relationship_with_corn_is_perfect/
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What is the difference between reposts and kids with cancer?

One of them never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6sfj/what_is_the_difference_between_reposts_and_kids/
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I got the internet in 1998...

It's 2018.
I have been downloading porn for 20 years.
Some of those girls from the early days must be in, like, their early 30s by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6s0b/i_got_the_internet_in_1998/
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Bought a stand that broke after the first day

guess it was a one night stand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6rzg/bought_a_stand_that_broke_after_the_first_day/
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I witnessed a crime in a parking garage

It was wrong on so many levels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6qfy/i_witnessed_a_crime_in_a_parking_garage/
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Three old ladies are sitting on a bench...

... when a man came up and flashed them. Two of the ladies immediately had a stroke, but the other couldn't quite reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6oxv/three_old_ladies_are_sitting_on_a_bench/
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How did the ink kill itself?

I don’t know, he just dyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6owg/how_did_the_ink_kill_itself/
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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6o20/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
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Brand new Corvette

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6nx2/brand_new_corvette/
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6ngl/why_are_giraffes_so_slow_to_apologize/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre.
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.
Whats dark and shitty?
My sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6na1/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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A duck walks into a store

, picks up a tube of Chapstick and places it on the counter. The clerk asks him, "Will that be cash or credit?" The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6m6u/a_duck_walks_into_a_store/
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Three vampires walk into a bar, and begin scanning the menu

"Hmm, the glass of blood looks good" says the first.
"A bloody mary" says the second.
"Ill just take a hot water" says the third, to the astonishment of the others.
"Wtf" they say collectively.
Taking out a used tampon, he utters "just making some tea".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6khg/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar_and_begin_scanning/
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A man bumped into woman.....

A man bumped into a woman as he entered a hotel lobby--
to his distress,
as his elbow forcefully pressed
into the woman’s breast.
“Madame, if your heart is
as tender as your breast is,
you’ll forgive me.”
“Well, sir,” she replied,
”if your penis is
as hard
as your elbow is,
you’ll follow me to my room.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6hgc/a_man_bumped_into_woman/
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Where do average items get manufactured?

At the satisfactory...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r6asc/where_do_average_items_get_manufactured/
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What do you call an angry German?

A sauer Kraut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r65b7/what_do_you_call_an_angry_german/
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People say smoking weed affects the memory.

Well that's a load of shit, I never forget to smoke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r60er/people_say_smoking_weed_affects_the_memory/
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I told my buddy

That I had sex with my girlfriend and her twin last night.
He asked how I could tell them apart.
Easy, I said: Amy has huge tits. Andy has a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5zx0/i_told_my_buddy/
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Why did the Russian Revolution go so well?

They aimed for the tsars!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5yps/why_did_the_russian_revolution_go_so_well/
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I tried very hard to pass my culinary school finals

But I'm still constipated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5y12/i_tried_very_hard_to_pass_my_culinary_school/
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I asked my wife if I'm a superhero in bed.

She said yes!  The Flash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5xvn/i_asked_my_wife_if_im_a_superhero_in_bed/
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A gynecologist decides to find a new career

A gynecologist was tired of his career, and decided to go into an entirely new field. So, he signs up for a course in auto mechanics.
He does well in the course, and is confident that he did well on the final exam: A complete engine rebuild.
When he gets his test score back, he is surprised to find that he scored 110%
He asks his instructor about it, and the instructor explains:
"The first part of the test was in the correct use of tools and shop equipment, and you did everything correctly, so I gave you 50% for that."
"The second part was correctly completing the rebuild, and when you were done, the engine ran perfectly, so I gave yo 50% for that."
"Then I gave you 10 style points for completing the entire job through the tailpipe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5wdw/a_gynecologist_decides_to_find_a_new_career/
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The three Paddys are running from the Russian army...

They find a shed, in side they hide in three sacks.
A few soldiers enter and start looking for them.
They come to the first sack which paddy English man is in.
One of the soldiers gives it a kick and paddy barks.
The soldier says "it's only a bag of dogs"
They come to the second sack which paddy Scottish man is in.
The second soldier gives it a kick and paddy meows.
The soldier says "it's only a bag of cats"
Finally they come to the third sack which paddy irishan is in.
The third soldier gives it a kick and paddy shouts "spuds"
So the three paddys are taken to be executed.
Paddy Scottish man is first and he is put up against a wall to be shot but just before the soldiers can paddy English man shouts "tornado".
The soldiers look round and paddy Scottish man jumps the wall and escapes.
The soldiers grab paddy English man and put him against the wall.
Paddy Irish man gives paddy English man a knowing  wink.
The soldiers raise their guns and paddy Irish man shouts "fire"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5vzo/the_three_paddys_are_running_from_the_russian_army/
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I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40.

40 kids is way too much by any standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5vvv/i_dont_think_women_should_be_allowed_to_have_kids/
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To everyone participating in the yodeling battle...

Please form an orderly, orderly, orderly queue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5tsa/to_everyone_participating_in_the_yodeling_battle/
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Little Arabic Boy Asked Dad...

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son…”
"Why are we living in London and still wearing all this shit?’’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5tp2/little_arabic_boy_asked_dad/
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Why can't T-rex's clap?

They're all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5rxv/why_cant_trexs_clap/
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Have I told you the joke about the window you can't see through?

I better not. It's too dirty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5pdn/have_i_told_you_the_joke_about_the_window_you/
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What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5kbm/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_3_legs/
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A middle-aged housewife decides to donate her old clothes to charity

Wife: "I've gathered up some old clothes and I need you to drop them off at the church charity."
Husband: *Groaning* " Why not just throw them out? It's easier that way."
Wife: "Because there are people out there who are poor and starving that need these clothes."
Husband: "Darling, anyone who fits into your clothes is not starving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5jlx/a_middleaged_housewife_decides_to_donate_her_old/
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A Calvinist dies and goes to Heaven

He sees two doors. One is labeled free will, and the other is predestination. He walks through the predestination door and an angel asks him why he was here. The Calvanist replies, "I saw this door and decided to walk through it." The angel replies, "You can't be here, you chose this."
Dejected, he goes into the other door. Its angel asks him why he was here.
He replies, "I had no choice"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5j7i/a_calvinist_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
When I was a child we had a sandbox.

It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5iyk/when_i_was_a_child_we_had_a_sandbox/
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When I was a kid I was diagnosed with ADD

But I paid no attention

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5hfg/when_i_was_a_kid_i_was_diagnosed_with_add/
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My friend broke his upper arm.

If you're wondering how this is a joke, it's not really. I just found it humerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5fd7/my_friend_broke_his_upper_arm/
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Why did the farmer cross the road?

To get his chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5c8u/why_did_the_farmer_cross_the_road/
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I sneezed in front of my stuttering friend and said, "man, my sinuses are on fire".

"i-i-is i-i-it an-an-allergy?" he asked
I said, "no, it's a metaphor".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5am0/i_sneezed_in_front_of_my_stuttering_friend_and/
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My friend is running around trying to get rid of silent vowels

but I say it's a waste of Tim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r5886/my_friend_is_running_around_trying_to_get_rid_of/
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I think we should stop shaming people if they're obese

they've already got enough on their plate to deal with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r57oq/i_think_we_should_stop_shaming_people_if_theyre/
%
In the beginning, God said “let there be light”

There was still nothing, but you sure could see it a lot better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r57h2/in_the_beginning_god_said_let_there_be_light/
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Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet.

He scares the shit out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r561d/chuck_norris_doesnt_flush_the_toilet/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never paid $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r55gj/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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Where do people with ADHD go to die?

Concentration camps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r4xvv/where_do_people_with_adhd_go_to_die/
%
I got attacked by three men last night, I managed to knock one out

Looking back it probably wasn’t the best to for me to have a wank but it could of been my last

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r4x90/i_got_attacked_by_three_men_last_night_i_managed/
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A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r4piv/a_lumberjack_went_in_to_a_magic_forest_to_cut_a/
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A Jewish boy asks his father for some money to go on a date...

The boy says "Dad, can I have $50 to take my girlfriend to dinner and a movie?"
The dad says "$30? what do you need $20 for? Fine, here's $10.  Make sure you give me the change back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r4mn0/a_jewish_boy_asks_his_father_for_some_money_to_go/
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This sub is just terrible bank of awful puns

and I'm losing interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r4dv9/this_sub_is_just_terrible_bank_of_awful_puns/
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What do you get when you cross human DNA with goat DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r4d3q/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_human_dna_with/
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A walks into a hardware store to get some nails

He asks the clerk for some nails and the clerk says "ok sure, how long do you want them?" and the customer says "well I'd like to keep them." : )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r4amz/a_walks_into_a_hardware_store_to_get_some_nails/
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An SEO expert walks into a bar

BARS, TAVERN, TAVERNS, LOUNGE, NIGHT CLUB, MINI BAR, PUB, BEER, GARDEN BEER, WINE, WHISKEY, COCKTAILS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r4841/an_seo_expert_walks_into_a_bar/
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An Asian Guy gets off a plane to New York

He needs American money so he goes to the bank but doesnt know much english. He goes to the teller and says "me, change" and hands over 10,000yen. The bank teller understands and takes it and hands over $100
The next day, the Asian man does the same thing and gives 10,000yen to the bank teller but only gets $90 in return. He says "last day i got $100, not $90 you made mistake"
The teller replies "fluctuations"
The asian man is furious and a has a look of digust. He replies "well, f*** you too white guy" and storms off.
(dont know if its repeated here but i remember my dad telling me somewhere a decade ago) if you dont get the joke you probably have to read it in a accent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r40ga/an_asian_guy_gets_off_a_plane_to_new_york/
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My boss said he's going to fire everyone with bad posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r3x8f/my_boss_said_hes_going_to_fire_everyone_with_bad/
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What do you get when you dip a chicken in paint?

A crosswalk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r3w16/what_do_you_get_when_you_dip_a_chicken_in_paint/
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The pessimist doesn't se the the light at the end of the tunnel, the optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel, the realist sees the train in the tunnel...

... and the the train driver sees the three insane people on rails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r3hfe/the_pessimist_doesnt_se_the_the_light_at_the_end/
%
I didn't wake up grumpy today

I let her sleep in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r3by2/i_didnt_wake_up_grumpy_today/
%
The toothbrush was invented in Alabama...

If it would have been invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r3a42/the_toothbrush_was_invented_in_alabama/
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I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r38js/i_saved_a_bunch_of_money_on_my_car_insurance_by/
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A period at the end of a sentence can make a big difference

For example:
Ginny is drinking her coffee.
Ginny is drinking her period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r36i6/a_period_at_the_end_of_a_sentence_can_make_a_big/
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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Bacteria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r35pe/who_lives_in_a_pineapple_under_the_sea/
%
A barber got arrested in my town

He sold drugs and ran an escort service. Just shows how little you know of the people around you. I never knew he was an barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r33fw/a_barber_got_arrested_in_my_town/
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Why is Dwayne Johnson the bravest man alive?

Because he's Boulder than all the rest!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r31ge/why_is_dwayne_johnson_the_bravest_man_alive/
%
I arranged a threesome on the weekend.

Had two no shows, but I still had fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2yaz/i_arranged_a_threesome_on_the_weekend/
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Being a writer is enjoyable...

But the job of editor is more rewording.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2vu7/being_a_writer_is_enjoyable/
%
Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac.

They're always taking things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2u82/never_tell_a_pun_to_a_kleptomaniac/
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What does a farmer, a pimp, and a bluegrass band all have in common?

They all know how to throw a hoe down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2o9r/what_does_a_farmer_a_pimp_and_a_bluegrass_band/
%
I started a new job as a miner last week.

I had to quit because whenever I put my mining hat on I felt light-headed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2n79/i_started_a_new_job_as_a_miner_last_week/
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My job application for the scissors company was declined after the hands-on interview

I just didn't make the cut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2kn5/my_job_application_for_the_scissors_company_was/
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A genius walks into a bar with no money.

A genius walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2ijq/a_genius_walks_into_a_bar_with_no_money/
%
I loved the first Shrek movie

The second one was mediogre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2hx9/i_loved_the_first_shrek_movie/
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Blacksmith's dog

Just bought a dog from a blacksmith.
The moment we got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2hsl/blacksmiths_dog/
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I went to a voodoo prostitute last night

Didn't manage to get laid but got a little head...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2gug/i_went_to_a_voodoo_prostitute_last_night/
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What’s the difference between a dick and a Ferrari?

I’d only have to get plowed by a Ferrari once to pay off my student loans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2fis/whats_the_difference_between_a_dick_and_a_ferrari/
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Why did Connor McGregor get a Chihuahua?

He couldn't handle a Boxer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2fbd/why_did_connor_mcgregor_get_a_chihuahua/
%
A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel.

As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn is disabled".
The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick f**k".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2eh4/a_man_on_vacation_with_his_family_arrives_at_a/
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Her: I want to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Him: Ok. And for the main course?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2d84/her_i_want_to_break_up_for_starters_im_sick_of/
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Two developers are working on a simulation when it suddenly goes haywire before returning to normal

Dev 1: Did you see that? I think the simulation just broke for a second.
Dev 2: I think it's more accurate to say it glitched.
Dev 1: Dude, I'm not about to argue over sim antics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2d38/two_developers_are_working_on_a_simulation_when/
%
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home,
which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then raised concerns about the education
a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with
French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment
Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers were finally satisfied.
They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2d08/a_husband_and_wife_who_worked_for_the_circus_went/
%
Why do circles always feel depressed?

Because their entire existence is pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2c68/why_do_circles_always_feel_depressed/
%
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.  As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r29lh/donald_trump_and_barack_obama_ended_up_at_the/
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Husband and wife(moral)

A husband and wife dies, and go to heaven. There, god tells them they have room for only one of them, and they have to rock-paper-scissors for the spot. Wife whispered something to the husband and then prepares to start. They do it once and the husband chooses paper while the wife chooses scissors, so the husband dies. The wife cradling the dead body says to it, “I told you that we should both pick rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r27wo/husband_and_wifemoral/
%
I'm reading a book about a zombie dog.

Can't put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r2709/im_reading_a_book_about_a_zombie_dog/
%
Guy calls in on radio show

**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r26sb/guy_calls_in_on_radio_show/
%
How is a light beer like sex in a canoe?

They are both fucking near water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r26rd/how_is_a_light_beer_like_sex_in_a_canoe/
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A man walks into a Large & popular Pet Shop and says to the owner......

"All right, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 75 dollars.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
After getting home, he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"
The centipede says nothing.
Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"
The centipede again says nothing.
Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"
The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r246f/a_man_walks_into_a_large_popular_pet_shop_and/
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What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

Investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r1xbl/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_wearing_a_vest/
%
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

Dam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r1x8y/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_ran_into_the_wall/
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England players visited a russian orphanage yesterday ahead of the world cup...

''It was heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope'' said Vladimir aged 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r1vuv/england_players_visited_a_russian_orphanage/
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A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store.

After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!  She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient.
"Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r1tup/a_blonde_was_standing_in_front_of_a_soda_machine/
%
A man speaks frantically into the phone

, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r1pzl/a_man_speaks_frantically_into_the_phone/
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Dad: What's the lion and witch doing in your wardrobe?

Son: It's Narnia business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r1hs9/dad_whats_the_lion_and_witch_doing_in_your/
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Customer: I want cargo space

Me: Car no do that. Car no fly
Manager: See me in my office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r1gtj/customer_i_want_cargo_space/
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Despite an extensive knowledge of the inter workings of mathematics, the expert mathematician’s favorite equation was 1+2...

That horny bastard just couldn’t get enough of that three sum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r1god/despite_an_extensive_knowledge_of_the_inter/
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Why is Fortnite a bad name for a game?

It is two weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r1g5d/why_is_fortnite_a_bad_name_for_a_game/
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I once tied all my watches to my belt

Until I realised it was just a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r1dyd/i_once_tied_all_my_watches_to_my_belt/
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Women are like roller coasters.

##
I tend to observe them from a safe distance, and I'll never go on a big one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r1dwl/women_are_like_roller_coasters/
%
Restrooms.

Why are they called "restrooms" if I'm not even allowed to sleep on the floor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r1d9y/restrooms/
%
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty\-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....
And before he could say ‘fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r17sx/a_teacher_is_explaining_biology_to_her_4th_grade/
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Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r158q/captain_hook_is_claiming_that_he_was_sexually/
%
What was so wrong with USA...

...that they had to go and make USB?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r13mv/what_was_so_wrong_with_usa/
%
The talking dog....

A guy goes into a bar with his dog. The bartender immediately tells him that dogs aren't allowed inside. The man protests "but this is a special dog, he talks."
The bartender is suspicious, so the man asks the dog "How would you describe sand paper?"
"Ruff" says the dog.
"What is on top of a house?"
"Roof" says the dog.
The bartender is getting annoyed, so the man begs to let him ask one more question.
"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Roof" says the dog.
With that, the bartender hauls the man and his dog out onto the street. The man is dejected. The dog sees this, looks up at his master and says, "Maybe I should have said Dimaggio?"
Edit- formatting and spelling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r119n/the_talking_dog/
%
I had a joke about midwives...

But I messed up the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r0zjw/i_had_a_joke_about_midwives/
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I'm a drug-addicted comedian who only tells one type of joke

One Liners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r0ypx/im_a_drugaddicted_comedian_who_only_tells_one/
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I actually find one piece bathing suit to be more sexy.

Doesn't matter if you keep the top or the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r0xql/i_actually_find_one_piece_bathing_suit_to_be_more/
%
If you're ever in Africa and come face to face with a lion, take one step sideways and then one step back. Repeating this process lets you move obliquely away from the lion...

...and prevents you from standing in your own shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r0x7m/if_youre_ever_in_africa_and_come_face_to_face/
%
I have never seen a fat blind person.

And I'm pretty sure they don't watch what they eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r0wmz/i_have_never_seen_a_fat_blind_person/
%
Three women are working construction. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.

The three of them are sitting down to have lunch, and the redhead opens her lunch to find she has the same tuna sandwich she always gets. She exclaims “I swear, if I have to eat a tuna sandwich for lunch again, I’m going to jump off this building and kill myself.”
The brunette opens her lunch to find that she also has a tuna sandwich, and she exclaims, “if I have to eat the same sandwich again, I’m going to kill myself!”
The blonde opens her lunch, and finds she too has a tuna sandwich, and she also exclaims, “if I have to eat a tuna sandwich again, I’m going to jump off this building and kill MYself.”
The next day, during lunch, the redhead opens her lunch and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, much to her liking.
The brunette opens her lunch and finds a ham and cheese sandwich, happily she begins eating it.
At this point, the blonde opens her lunch, checks her sandwich and promptly jumps off the building, killing herself on impact. She, of course, still had a tuna sandwich.
Later, when the husbands arrived, the redhead’s husband mentions “my wife told me, if I made her another tuna sandwich, she would kill herself, so I gave her peanut butter and jelly.”
The brunette’s husband also mentioned “my wife told me the same thing, so I made her a ham and cheese sandwich.”
At this point, they both glared at the blonde’s husband. Shocked, he replied
“Hey, don’t look at me! She makes her own lunches!”
(This is a joke I heard when I was younger, I take no credit for creating it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r0uxg/three_women_are_working_construction_a_blonde_a/
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The wife and I decided we're not gonna have kids.

The kids are taking it pretty badly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r0tdi/the_wife_and_i_decided_were_not_gonna_have_kids/
%
Does anyone here know how to avoid click bait?

Obviously not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r0swn/does_anyone_here_know_how_to_avoid_click_bait/
%
First (last?) date at a carnival

A man met a girl online, and eventually arranged to meet up at the local carnival, which was in town for the weekend.  Upon meeting, the guy asked her what she wanted to do first, to which she said "I want to get weighed".  Naturally, this wasn't what he expected, but figured what the heck and they went to the giant weigh scale.  After that, they rode the ferris wheel next to it.  Upon exiting that, he asked her what she wanted to do.  Again, she said "I want to get weighed".  Again, he found this a bit perplexing but obliged her and went back to the weigh station.  Surprise surprise, the results weren't any different.  So they visited the fun house on the other side of the station next.  Upon exiting, he asked her what was next and again she said "I want to get weighed!"  He decided this girl had to be too weird or narcissistic for him, so he made an excuse and left the fair.  She returned to her apartment alone.
"How was your date?" asked her roommate.
"Wousy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r0pdc/first_last_date_at_a_carnival/
%
I made a Hawaiian pizza last night but burnt it

I should have put the oven on Aloha setting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r0nkf/i_made_a_hawaiian_pizza_last_night_but_burnt_it/
%
"Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses?"

"No son, have you seen my dad glasses?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r0lbo/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
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Spy intels

A hot Russian spy reported back to her boss: i got the latest classified intels from the general and also captured his son.
Boss replies: excellent! so where's the boy?
'gotta wait another 9 months before you can meet him' says the Russian spy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r0ix1/spy_intels/
%
Why aren't redditors allowed at equine funerals?

Because when then see a dead horse, they have to beat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r0bd1/why_arent_redditors_allowed_at_equine_funerals/
%
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked..
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with AISHWARYA RAI. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r07s5/one_day_while_a_woodcutter_was_cutting_a_branch/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he can “Neverland”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8r075f/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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How come the boat couldn’t recite the alphabet?

He’d always get lost at “C”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qzu0b/how_come_the_boat_couldnt_recite_the_alphabet/
%
A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:
Johnny ate his own lunch after school.
Johnny ate his own colon after school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qzsjm/a_colon_in_a_sentence_can_make_a_huge_difference/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qzpvt/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
Apparently not.

Does anyone know how to avoid clicking jokes that have been ruined by putting the punchline in the title?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qzph8/apparently_not/
%
A family was driving behind the garbage truck

... when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry honey - that was just an insect."
To which little Johnny replies "I'm surprised it could get off the fucking ground with a cock like THAT!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qzlhu/a_family_was_driving_behind_the_garbage_truck/
%
I stayed up all night last night trying to figure out where the sun went...

then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qzl89/i_stayed_up_all_night_last_night_trying_to_figure/
%
Why did the fly leave the toilet seat?

It got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qzl82/why_did_the_fly_leave_the_toilet_seat/
%
[NSFW] The husband asks his wife...

'Honey, can you make me feel happy and sad at the same time?'
'Of course' she said, 'you have the biggest dick of all of your friends.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qzkeg/nsfw_the_husband_asks_his_wife/
%
A woman on a date tells her date that she has a weird fetish

Woman: for some reason I like going around my house and collecting anything that looks like the number one, putting everything into a pile, and then having sex on top of it
Date: oh you must be a lawyer
Woman: how did you know?
Date: because you like fucking over everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qzjot/a_woman_on_a_date_tells_her_date_that_she_has_a/
%
Room 67

So on a man’s 18th birthday, his father gave him $20 and a pack of condoms and said
“Go to the brothel and have some fun, son. But whatever you do, do not ask for room 67.”
The son agrees and goes to the brothel. The lady at the counter grinned at him and said
“Welcome to the brothel! We have the finest selection of ladies you will find anywhere. However, all of our rooms are booked except for room 67.”
The son, overcome by horniness, disregards his father’s warning and paid for room 67.
Upon entering, he viewed a small glory hole and had the greatest time of his life in those next two hours.
Satisfied, the son leaves the brothel and comes home to his father on the couch.
“Wow.... I had the best time of my life. I don’t know why you told me to not use room 67!”
The father, shocked, replies
“Wait, that was you?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qz43b/room_67/
%
So last night I was balls deep in peanut butter

And I realized, peanut butter is a weird name for a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qyzxp/so_last_night_i_was_balls_deep_in_peanut_butter/
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I’m going to start a rehab program called the Hokey Pokey

Because you do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around, and that’s what it’s all about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qyvgw/im_going_to_start_a_rehab_program_called_the/
%
How the hell did I get banned for just a picture of a banana?

...maybe I shouldn’t have included a penis for scale...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qyv0d/how_the_hell_did_i_get_banned_for_just_a_picture/
%
What do you call a gay dinosaur?

What-a-sore-ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qyucz/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
What's the hardest word to say in English?

Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qyqt4/whats_the_hardest_word_to_say_in_english/
%
What would happen if I put flex seal in my ass?

It would be bad... No shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qypm4/what_would_happen_if_i_put_flex_seal_in_my_ass/
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i was gonna make a math joke...

but i isn't real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qyk3x/i_was_gonna_make_a_math_joke/
%
So, a doctor calls his patient.

Doctor: I got your lab results back, and  I have good news and bad news.
Patient: why don't we start with the good news.
Doctor: the good news is that you have a day to live.
Patient: so, what's the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qyhn2/so_a_doctor_calls_his_patient/
%
Why did Trump put tariffs on Canadian goods?

To prove that he has no ties to Poutine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qyfn9/why_did_trump_put_tariffs_on_canadian_goods/
%
Two miners walk out of the mine after a long day, one holding a shovel, the other a stick. One turns to the other and asks, “Wears your shovel?”

And the other responded, “Sure does.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qyfjn/two_miners_walk_out_of_the_mine_after_a_long_day/
%
A gay couple and a lesbian couple go to the airport which one gets there first?

The lesbians because they got there lickity split and the gay guys are still at home packing their shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qyfb7/a_gay_couple_and_a_lesbian_couple_go_to_the/
%
So my washing machine caught fire today

The good news is I was able to get my washing and drying done all in one go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qyd8d/so_my_washing_machine_caught_fire_today/
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Voodoo dick

A married couple is very happy in their life, but the husband took a new very lucrative job that is going to keep him away from home for weeks and possibly months at a time. He loves his wife and understands that she will have certain... needs while he's away, so he tells her, "Take the credit card, and get yourself whatever 'toy' you wish. I dont care what it costs so long as it keeps you faithful to me, as I will be to you while I'm away."
She went to a few adult shops around town, but did not find anything that she thought would fulfill her needs. She had all but lost hope when she wandered into an older, dingy looking shop.
The proprietor asked,  "May I help you find something?" The lady begrudgingly explained her situation feeling oddly comfortable around the elderly owner, to which she replied, "I have just the thing for you. Come in the back room."
In the back room, she was greeted by a twin mattress and very dim lighting. The owner took out an old wooden box, and motioned her towards the bed.
"Take off your pants and underwear, and this toy will give you the show of your life."
Trembling, she obliged and layed on the bed. Once she was in position, the old lady said, "Voodoo duck, her pussy." The box flung itself open and an old polished wooden penis flew itself out of the box and went haywire in the woman's lady bits, giving her multiple orgasms in a matter of minutes.
"OKAY! MAKE IT STOP!"
The old lady calmly stated, "Voodoo dick, back in your box." The sentient dildo ceased it's duty, returned to it's box and the lid closed itself.
"I dont care what this thing costs! I must have it! Here's my credit card. I'll take it!"
The young woman could hardly wait to get home and try it out again. She finally arrived home, got completely undressed, placed the old box on her dresser, and assumed the position.
"Voodoo dick, my pussy."
The box flung itself open and the phallus went to work on her vertical smile. One, two... seven, eight orgasms later, she had enough, but could not remember how to get voodoo dick to stop. She grabbed the wooden box, hastily dressed herself and got in her car to head back to the shop.
The orgasms continued, causing her to swerve all over the road. Sure enough. She saw blue and red flashing lights in her rearview mirror and pulled over cooperatively.
When the police officer approached her window, she stated before he could speak, "I'm so sorry officer, it's just that... I can't stop the.... I have to.... it's voodoo dick."
The officer smirked and said, "Yeah, yeah. Voodoo dick my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qycp7/voodoo_dick/
%
Twins come in pairs....

Redditors come in coconuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qybrj/twins_come_in_pairs/
%
What’s a cowlick?

Dad: Son, your hair dresser does such a good job even with your cowlick as crazy as it is
Son: What’s a cowlick?
Dad: Whatever it wants.
Son: what?
Dad: ...
My dad made this joke when I was around 10 and I didn’t understand it until I was around 16...and I asked him about it every once in a while and he pretended he had no idea what I was talking about...really played the long con there....I can’t wait for my kids to ask me about a cowlick...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qyaug/whats_a_cowlick/
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The English language

If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qy4st/the_english_language/
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Little Johnnys neighbour

One day little Johnny comes home from school and his mom tells him that they are going over to the neighbors house to see their new baby. However the baby has a defect, he was born with no ears. Knowing that Johnny will say something rude his mom warns him and tells him to be polite. Johnny agrees.
Later that evening they are looking at the baby.
Johnny's mom: Wow your baby is so cute.
Johnny: Yeah he is adorable
Neighbor: Thanks we are so happy to have him. A special thing about him is that he was born with perfect 20 20 vision.
Johnny: Good because if he needed glasses he'd be f*cked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qy3y6/little_johnnys_neighbour/
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Whats the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with dysentery?

You shuck the oyster between fits...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qxxba/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
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TIFU by going into the forest and getting caught in some poison oak.

Wait, wrong shrub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qxwbf/tifu_by_going_into_the_forest_and_getting_caught/
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Everyone has a certain joke they always tell when meeting new people

Personally, I enjoy talking about my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qxqeo/everyone_has_a_certain_joke_they_always_tell_when/
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First day of work. Oops . . .

A freshly-graduated college recruit joined a big corporate empire as a trainee. On the very first day of work, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, “Get me a coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”
The trainee shouted back, “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!”
“No,” replied the CEO indignantly.
“Good!” replied the trainee, and hung up the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qxnd2/first_day_of_work_oops/
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I tried to ask Google for some good chemistry jokes.

But it just kept returning "Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium Oxygen Fluorine Fluorine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qxg4q/i_tried_to_ask_google_for_some_good_chemistry/
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.

I M LI VI D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qxfjc/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_or_500/
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I have always wanted to be a motivational speaker. To get the crowd on their feet. To feel optimistic about the day ahead, or even the life ahead. To make them feel like all their dreams are within arms reach with just a little hard work and the willingness to be something more than just who you are

Im just too lazy to get up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qxfai/i_have_always_wanted_to_be_a_motivational_speaker/
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A taxi driver was fired

He didn’t fare well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qxa5c/a_taxi_driver_was_fired/
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qx9dr/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_was/
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What happens when you play a country song in reverse?

You get your wife, truck, and dog back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qx7pq/what_happens_when_you_play_a_country_song_in/
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Donald Trump is heading to Trump Tower and bumps into a fellow on the busy sidewalk. He turns to the man and says...

"I pardon myself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qx73n/donald_trump_is_heading_to_trump_tower_and_bumps/
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(Stolen idea but funny) My kid embarrassed me by throwing a huge fit and rolling around on the floor when I took him shopping.

That's the last time I take an epileptic kid to the strobe light store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qx5ms/stolen_idea_but_funny_my_kid_embarrassed_me_by/
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Will I make it to 85?

On his 70th birthday a man retired and moved to Florida to enjoy his golden years. Settling in, he found a new doctor. At his first wellness exam the doctor told him,
“You’re doing reasonably well for your age.”
A little concerned by the comment, the man pushed further, “Will I make it to 85, doc?”
The doctor eyed him and asked, “Do you smoke or drink immoderately?”
“Oh no doc, and I don’t touch drugs either,” he replied with a confident chuckle.
“How about your diet? Do you eat hamburgers, barbecue ribs, ribeye steaks, and plenty of dessert?”
The man replied, “No, my last doctor advised me to steer clear of all that!”
The doctor continued, “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or biking?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast, or have a lot of sex?”
“Certainly not,” the man assured the doctor.
The doctor looked at him and replied, “Then why do you give a shit?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qx05g/will_i_make_it_to_85/
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The Indian restaurant made a mistake with my order but I wasn’t worried about it

It was a naan issue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qwxg9/the_indian_restaurant_made_a_mistake_with_my/
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I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday and she giggled, "I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies!"

Ok, LSD it is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qwx4d/i_asked_my_five_year_old_daughter_what_she_wanted/
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A joke walks into a bar...

and the Bartender says, "Hey weren't you just in here a few hours ago?!"
The joke replies, "No, you must be confusing me with my brother Repost"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qwsrg/a_joke_walks_into_a_bar/
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I like to refer to my family as "the police"...

because they only show up when there's a problem, make it worse, and usually take money from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qwqzq/i_like_to_refer_to_my_family_as_the_police/
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What do you get when you motorboat a woman who breastfeeds?

A milkshake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qwqju/what_do_you_get_when_you_motorboat_a_woman_who/
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I went to a sperm bank to become a donor.

Apparently they did not want me, they just told me to beat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qwoav/i_went_to_a_sperm_bank_to_become_a_donor/
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An American couple adopt a German infant...

He is fine physically, and he is content. But he hasn't started speaking. At two, three, even four years old, he is mute.
Then, one October, at five years old, his parents give him a hot chocolate.
“Zis is a bit tepid,” he complains.
“Gunther, you can speak! Why have you never spoken before?”
“Up to now, everything had been satisfactory.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qwnoq/an_american_couple_adopt_a_german_infant/
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My girlfriend has a tatoo of a conch shell on her inner thigh

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qwmp1/my_girlfriend_has_a_tatoo_of_a_conch_shell_on_her/
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It'll be a minute before I get hard. I just got laid by a chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qwkeh/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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This vegan chick came up to me and started talking like she knew me...

...but I never met herbivore.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qwf8a/this_vegan_chick_came_up_to_me_and_started/
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Why do all black people have nightmares?

Because the one who had a dream got shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qwaqe/why_do_all_black_people_have_nightmares/
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So I picked up a hitchhiker the other day...

After he got in he turned to me and jokingly said "Thanks, by the way how do you know I'm not a serial killer or something". I replied, "C'mon, the chances of /two/ serial killers being in the same car are astronomical".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qw83w/so_i_picked_up_a_hitchhiker_the_other_day/
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I once had a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet

However he could only do it once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qw72n/i_once_had_a_goldfish_that_could_breakdance_on/
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Where does a gay computer science major work?

Back end development

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qw4ls/where_does_a_gay_computer_science_major_work/
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3 men pass away and are in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter is there and he is checking to see how they lived their lives.
First man steps up and Saint Peter says, “you lived a good life.  You were faithful to your wife and never cheated on her.  You get to ride up to heaven in this brand new Cadillac!” The man jumps in happy as could be and takes off.
The next man steps up and Saint Peter says  “Well, you weren’t so good in your life, were you?” “You cheated on your wife 5 times”.  You will have to ride up to heaven on this old school bus”.  Relieved that he still got into heaven the man gets on the bus and the bus takes off for heaven.
The third man steps up and Saint Peter says, “Now you lived a bad life.  You cheated on your wife 100 times.  You are going to have to take this junky old bike and ride it to Heaven”.
So the man gets on the bike and starts peddling.  After days of riding the bike he finally arrives in heaven.  First thing he sees is the first man sitting on a curb and crying.  He says “what are you crying about.  You got to ride up here in a nice new cadillac.  I had to peddle my way all the way here.”  The first man says, “yeah, but while I was driving up here I saw my wife and she was walking”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qw2lm/3_men_pass_away_and_are_in_line_at_the_pearly/
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I’m dyslexic and have no sense of direction.

I don’t know my ears from my below

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qvw9k/im_dyslexic_and_have_no_sense_of_direction/
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What do thunderclouds wear beneath their clothing?

Thunderpants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qvug6/what_do_thunderclouds_wear_beneath_their_clothing/
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My husband cheated

I caught my husband cheating. I'm not going to lie, I didn't handle it in the most mature way possible. I threw an iron at him and took quite a bit of money from him.
Then later we had a heart to heart and decided never to play Monopoly again. Lesson learned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qvs62/my_husband_cheated/
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A guy comes home to his wife

It's a warm summers day, so the front door is left open.
The man finds his wife standing by the kitchen counter with her back turned, working on dinner, wearing nothing but a short, yellow sundress.
Without saying a word, he steps over to her, drops his pants and gently lifts up her dress, looks at her naked behind for a little while before he slips her the good ole' sledgehammer, as he likes to call it.
They go at it for a good while, with the wife screaming ever louder with pleasure until they both climax. The man then grabs a rolling pin off the kitchen counter and clobs her in the back of the head.
- Ow, what the hell??, screamed the wife furiously
- I give you such a good time, and this is what I get?
- No, says the man, - That's what you get for never turning around to see who it was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qvrc2/a_guy_comes_home_to_his_wife/
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A guy from New York, a guy from Los Angeles, and a guy from Austin, Texas are discussing the women where they're from...

The New York fellow slams his beer down and declares, "Where I'm from, all you need to do is walk up to a woman, buy her a beer, and you can stick your cock in her!"
"That's nothing!" says the Californian. "Where I'm from, you just walk up to a girl, say hi, and you can stick your cock in her."
They both look at the Texan, who's quietly sipping his beer. He looks up at them and grins. "Where I'm from, you stick your cock in a woman, and then you walk up to her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qvra2/a_guy_from_new_york_a_guy_from_los_angeles_and_a/
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Farmers dont make love

They plow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qvr8n/farmers_dont_make_love/
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A man is sipping on his coffee at a cafe

He needs to visit bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to steal&drink his coffee during his absence so he leaves a sign on a cup that says: "I've spit in it".
He goes to the bathroom and comes back to find another sign on his coffee that says: "Me too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qvqj2/a_man_is_sipping_on_his_coffee_at_a_cafe/
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What does the Newfoundland fisherman do on a day off?

Net fix and chill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qvmo1/what_does_the_newfoundland_fisherman_do_on_a_day/
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[NSFW] Silently I slipped the condom over my erect

dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...
Then breaking the silence I spoke ...
"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qvj1a/nsfw_silently_i_slipped_the_condom_over_my_erect/
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A blonde and a lawyer seat

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LAtoNY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rollsover to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you aquestion,and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, nowagitated,says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if Idon'tknow the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end tothis torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up ahillwith three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled,takesout his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. Hetapsinto the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library ofcongress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends andcoworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blondesays,"Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qvgaw/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_seat/
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What did Spider-Man say when he was deployed to the Middle East?

Iraq, no phobia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qvc3i/what_did_spiderman_say_when_he_was_deployed_to/
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Which pokemon tells the most jokes about pokemon?

Metapod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qvau8/which_pokemon_tells_the_most_jokes_about_pokemon/
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Two windmills were standing beside each other

One of the windmills asked the other,
"What kind of music do you like?" The other windmill replied,
"I don't know, am a huge metal fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qv9l1/two_windmills_were_standing_beside_each_other/
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I'm so loyal to my Girlfriend

The Porn I watch doesn't even have women in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qv7pb/im_so_loyal_to_my_girlfriend/
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A couple are driving home from their engagement photoshoot and are killed in a car accident.

They find themselves meeting St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he’s about to let them in to Heaven. Before they go in, the woman says “St. Peter, we were planning to get married in a few months, is there any way we can get married in Heaven, so we can spend the rest of eternity together?”
“Hmm, I don’t see why not” says St. Peter. “Give me a moment”. He leaves the couple there, and wanders off into Heaven.
After quite some time, St. Peter comes back, and assures the couple that they can indeed get married in Heaven.
“Not to be a bother, St. Peter,” the man starts “but we were talking while you were gone, and decided eternity is really a long time to be married. What if we change our minds? Is it possible that we might be able to get divorced in Heaven?”
Somewhat surprised by this, St. Peter throws up his hands and says “Do you know how long it took me to find a priest up here, you think I’m ever gonna find a lawyer for you?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qv4gc/a_couple_are_driving_home_from_their_engagement/
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So a guy walks into a bar...

On the counter, he sees a jar full of money.
He asks the bartender, “How can I get that money?”
She answers, “It’s simple. First, you have to drink an entire bottle of whiskey all at once. Then, there is a rabid pit bull out back and you have to take out it’s achy tooth. Finally, there is an elderly woman upstairs that needs an orgasm.”
He thinks to himself, “That’s easy.”
So he easily drinks the whole whiskey.
Then, he heads out back.
The bartender hears all kinds of yelping and whining and scratching and scuffling. Then, silence.
The man walks in, scratched and bruised.
He says to the bartender: “This is easy. now I just need to take out the grandmas tooth!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qv0e8/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear the one about the mathematician who committed Sudoku?

He did a number on himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8quun1/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_mathematician_who/
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The local mental asylum is running out of space

So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.
He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.
After about 15 min he noted all the residents except one were "swimming" in the empty pool. The director came up to this gentleman,  "Congratulations! You didn't jump in the pool and so are ready to go back home." To which the resident replied, "Of course I wouldn't jump in the pool! Someone needs to be the lifeguard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ququm/the_local_mental_asylum_is_running_out_of_space/
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Getting a bad coffee is like getting a bad blowjob...

It might feel shit but you're still going to finish it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8quo1x/getting_a_bad_coffee_is_like_getting_a_bad_blowjob/
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My Gamete business has never been better, I guess it's true what they say...

Sex cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qullf/my_gamete_business_has_never_been_better_i_guess/
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What’s the difference between a good meal and a good time?

Where you put the cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8quiyv/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_meal_and_a/
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Breaking News: Viagra shipment stolen...

Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qufrp/breaking_news_viagra_shipment_stolen/
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A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get an erection.

He says, "Doc, I just can't live without sex, I need the use of my equipment back. Please help me!"
The doctor says, " Well, there is a new experimental procedure I read about where the muscles of a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your penis. This gives you back the full use of your penis."
The man in his desperation eagerly agrees to try the procedure.
Some time after the operation, the man is at dinner with a new date when he feels a rustle in his pants.
He ignores it but a short time later it happens again.
The man figures his penis just needs a little air so he unzips his pants to let it out.
That seems to fix the problem for a while until his penis reaches up onto the table, grabs a dinner roll and disappears back under the table.
His date stares in complete awe, totally amazed by what just happened, and asks, "Can you do that again?".
The guy says, "Probably, but I don't think I could fit another roll up my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qufb0/a_desperate_man_goes_to_the_doctor_because_he/
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A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin...

I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8queq2/a_friend_came_over_visibly_shaken_he_said_he_had/
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[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.
I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8queov/serious_just_a_reminder_to_be_careful_when/
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I googled "cigarette lighter"

and got 150000 matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8que8x/i_googled_cigarette_lighter/
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Why is a push up bra like a bag of chips?

You open it and it's half empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8que29/why_is_a_push_up_bra_like_a_bag_of_chips/
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Yo mama so fat

That she falls off of both sides of the bed at once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qucq2/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
It is said that Kim Jong Un has read all the books in the world.

That's why he is called the supreme reader!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qubhl/it_is_said_that_kim_jong_un_has_read_all_the/
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What do you call a red haired baker?

Ginger bread man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qub4g/what_do_you_call_a_red_haired_baker/
%
Why can't a pirate say his alphabet?

He Gets lost at Sea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qu9k7/why_cant_a_pirate_say_his_alphabet/
%
How do trees talk to each other before the internet?

They barked, but now they just log on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qu3sx/how_do_trees_talk_to_each_other_before_the/
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I came into a large sum of money recently...

Which is weird, because I normally just use paper towels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qu2u4/i_came_into_a_large_sum_of_money_recently/
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The rancher couldn’t keep his hands away from his wife

So he fired all of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qu2ro/the_rancher_couldnt_keep_his_hands_away_from_his/
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An army training site and a mental asylum shared a fence..

One morning a doctor was walking in the yard of the asylum and noticed a patient who was playing with two buckets. One was filled with water and the other had holes in its bottom, so when he lowered her into the first one it made bubbling sounds. The doctor got curious and asked the patient "What is this?".  "It's a bubblenator!" excitedly answered the patient. The doctor got angry that the patient was still this dumb and threw the buckets over the fence.
Later that day a drill sergeant was inspecting the perimeter around the fence, as he stumbled on the pair of buckets. Angrily he took the buckets and brought them in front of his soldiers: "WHO THE HELL THREW OUT THIS PERFECTLY FINE BUBBLENATOR?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qu2dr/an_army_training_site_and_a_mental_asylum_shared/
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If an animal was little, blue and had leaves coming out of it you'd think it's odd

But if it was a Pokemon, you'd think it's just Oddish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qtwki/if_an_animal_was_little_blue_and_had_leaves/
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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qtusx/guy_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_we/
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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. She said she couldn't stand my Linkin Park references anymore...

but I guess in the end, it doesn't even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qtqdu/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_yesterday_she_said/
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What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qtpch/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_in_sandals/
%
Satan appears to a lawyer...

...and says to him, "I offer you this deal.  Every year for the next five years, you will have 5,000 billable hours at three times your current rate.  You will win every case, and some of your cases will become landmarks in the law books.  After the five years, your soul, as well as the souls of your wife, your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren will all be forfeit to me, and you will all be damned for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a few seconds and then asked, "So, what's the catch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qtp7r/satan_appears_to_a_lawyer/
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My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday

they must have misunderstood me when I said that I wanna watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qtnaa/my_lesbian_neighbors_got_me_a_rolex_for_my/
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When the robber tried to rob a board game store at gunpoint..

He was asking for trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qtn1i/when_the_robber_tried_to_rob_a_board_game_store/
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My wife found a video in my phone of me getting a blow job.

She yelled, "Who the fuck is this giving you head?"
I said, "How do you know it's not you?"
She replied, "Because whoever it is has a beard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qtma4/my_wife_found_a_video_in_my_phone_of_me_getting_a/
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My wife suggested we play doctor

She made me sit in front of the bedroom for 2 hours and then told me I got an appointment in 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qtlen/my_wife_suggested_we_play_doctor/
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The wife has just been attacked by a shark.

In fairness, I probably shouldn't have taken the loan out in her name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qtjzu/the_wife_has_just_been_attacked_by_a_shark/
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An elderly gentleman sits on a park bench.

On the opposite bench sits a young punk. With his multi\-colored mohawk and facial tattoos, he presents quite a spectacle for the older man, who can't help but to stare incredulously. Finally, the young punk has had enough of the elderly man's staring.
"What's your problem, old man?" yells the punk. "Didn't you ever do anything wild and rebellious?"
"Oh, for sure, for sure," replies the old man. "Many years ago, I got drunk and made love to a parrot."
"You see?" replies the punk. "So what are you staring at me for?"
"My apologies," the old man answers, "I was actually just wondering if you might not be my son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qtgru/an_elderly_gentleman_sits_on_a_park_bench/
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It's a prisoner's first day and he goes to lunch ...

... as he's sitting there, someone jumps up and yells "46!" The whole room erupts in laughter. A few minutes later, someone else yells "85!" Again, the whole room erupts in laughter.
This goes on several more times. Finally, the new prisoner elbows the old guy next to him. "Hey, what's going on?"
"The prison library only has one joke book," the old-timer replies. "Everyone's read it. In fact, we've all read it so many times that we've numbered them. Whenever someone wants to tell a joke, they yell the number and we remember it."
The new guy wants to make a good impression, so he decides to give it a try. He jumps up and yells "23!"
Dead silence.
"23!" he tries again. Still, the hall is absolutely silent. He sits back down, ashamed, and elbows the old-timer again. "Why didn't it work for me?"
"Well," the old-timer answers, "some people can tell 'em, and some can't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qtfb6/its_a_prisoners_first_day_and_he_goes_to_lunch/
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How much memory does it take to store a joke?

1 Gigglebyte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qtbkz/how_much_memory_does_it_take_to_store_a_joke/
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A Czech joke for you. (I think it is at least, it was written on page categorised as that)

A Russian soldier unit is flying to Chechnya and the Captain motivates soldiers: "Men, for every Chechen head you will get a bottle of vodka." The plane lands, the door breaks down, the soldiers scatter. In a few minutes they return and everyone has brought a couple of heads. The captain is all pale and sweating: "Shit boys, that was just a stopover in Kiev!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qt5qt/a_czech_joke_for_you_i_think_it_is_at_least_it/
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Honeymooners

A young couple married, and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
In the morning, the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he gets out of the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opens the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped.
She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also shy, thought for a minute and said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qt4q5/honeymooners/
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Why did the French give the statue of liberty to America?

They had no use for a statue with only one hand raised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qt44g/why_did_the_french_give_the_statue_of_liberty_to/
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A doctor walks into a bank...

When he goes to sign a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket.  He looks up at the banker and says "Dang it, some asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qt18h/a_doctor_walks_into_a_bank/
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Did you hear the one about the groupie having sex with her coprophile idol?

That's when shit hit the fan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qt04f/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_groupie_having_sex/
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A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by.  The Foreigner  says “excuse me.   Do you two gals happen to be from England”.      One of the women replies “ No idiot.   Wales!!!!”
The Foreigner is taken aback.   “ I’m sorry, let me start over” he says.   “ Excuse me.   Do you two whales happen to be from England?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qt00a/a_north_american_arrives_in_the_uk_on_vacation/
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Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"

Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qszyl/teacher_little_johnny_give_me_a_sentence_using/
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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qsyz2/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_runny_nose/
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A blonde women's basketball team rallied and then tied up the score at the end of regulation...

...and the coach took out a bottle of wine and handed out glasses to the team.
After imbibing, the blonde team obviously ended up losing.
Coach was asked later by, "Why the early celebration?"
Coach said, "We weren't celebrating, we're not that stupid. I served wine because I heard it always gets better overtime."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qsxs7/a_blonde_womens_basketball_team_rallied_and_then/
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The Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qsvx3/the_hypnotist/
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What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

A Maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qsvgc/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_cant_make_up_its_mind/
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Stalin visits a farm

One day, Joseph Stalin visits an agricultural collective. And so....
Stalin: Comrade, how much wheat do you have?
Farmer: Comrade Stalin, we have enough wheat to reach God!
Stalin: Comrade, as a Marxist, you know that there is no God!
Farmer: Comrade Stalin, as a Marxist, you know that there is no wheat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qstd8/stalin_visits_a_farm/
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I was scared of the dark when i was a kid...

Now im afraid of the lights because of the electricity bills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qsoou/i_was_scared_of_the_dark_when_i_was_a_kid/
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Did you hear about the homeopath who forgot to take their medicine?

They died from an overdose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qsjri/did_you_hear_about_the_homeopath_who_forgot_to/
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Where did Jewish raindrops go in Nazi Germany?

To the Condensation camps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qsegd/where_did_jewish_raindrops_go_in_nazi_germany/
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What's the difference between weather and climate?

You can't weather a tree, but you can climate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qsbp5/whats_the_difference_between_weather_and_climate/
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So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes...

There, in the corner, there’s this one\-foot\-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with *geese*.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve\-inch *pianist*?”
So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve\-inch penis?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”
And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”
So the bartender is understandably ashamed.
And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.
And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”
And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”
But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”
And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”
And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”
So, at around this point, the twelve\-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.
And the twelve\-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”
And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”
And the twelve\-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”
And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”
And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”
And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat\-up Plymouth Voyager appears!
And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”
And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”
And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve\-inch *pianist*?”
And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.
And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.
And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean *that*.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”
And the pianist is, like, “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!”
And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.
And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, “My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him.” And he starts weeping.
And the bartender’s, like, “No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.”
And the pianist is, like, “That’s not true. I’m worthless!”
And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, “Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.”
And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.
So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.
So the guy’s, like, “Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.”
And the genie’s, like, “Who says they’re broken?” And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.
And the guy’s, like, “Well done.”
And then the genie says, “That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one\-foot\-tall boyfriend.”
And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.
And the genie’s, like, “I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.”
And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qs8jx/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_one_day_and_he_cant/
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Smoking Kills

Experts say that every time you inhale a drag of a cigarette, it takes 7 seconds off your life.
When I was a teenager, my best friend and I tried cigarettes for the first time.  I ended up smoking for 25 years, but my friend only inhaled **once**.
Yesterday, while out walking his dog, he got hit by a bus and was killed instantly.
I can't get it out of my mind - I keep thinking - if he never had inhaled that one time - we probably could have heard him scream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qs4qk/smoking_kills/
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qs36u/a_guy_walks_into_a_sperm_donor_bank_wearing_a_ski/
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Mother: I am ashamed of you. Fighting with your friend is a terrible thing to do.

Son: He threw a rock at me. So I threw one at him.
Mother: When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to see me.
Son: What good would that have done? I know that my aim is much better than yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qs2th/mother_i_am_ashamed_of_you_fighting_with_your/
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A Jewish man, a Frenchman, and an Italian man were bragging about their sex lives.

The Jewish man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!”
The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!”
The Italian man said, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!”
The other two were stunned.
The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”
The Italian said…………”I wiped my hands on the bedspread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qs2dr/a_jewish_man_a_frenchman_and_an_italian_man_were/
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Air Hostess : Can i offer you free head phones?

Guy : Definitely but how do you know my name is Phones???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qs1mw/air_hostess_can_i_offer_you_free_head_phones/
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A Rabbi and a Catholic Priest decide to race each other. Who wins?

The rabbi, but the priest just comes in a little behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qs1f2/a_rabbi_and_a_catholic_priest_decide_to_race_each/
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Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity!

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory." MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qrzg3/always_be_well_informed_in_your_job_or_you_might/
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When the zookeepers come in the morning, they find a kangaroo wandering the zoo...

They put it back in its environment, and add barbed wire to the top of the fencing to keep it from jumping out. Yet the next morning once more the kangaroo is found out and about, relaxing near the arctic exhibit.
Perplexed but not perturbed, they return it to its enclosure and call in the contractors, heightening the fence to 15 feet, the highest recorded kangaroo jump distance. Alas! The next day finds the kangaroo by the lion's cage, rattling the fence.
Now angry, the zoo keepers put it back, and begin erecting fencing 30 feet tall. While that's happening, the giraffe leans over and asks the kangaroo:
"How long do you think this will go on for?"
"I figure they'll give up at 50 feet and send me home, unless someone remembers to lock the door at night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qruxt/when_the_zookeepers_come_in_the_morning_they_find/
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Continuity.

My thoughts on it are exactly the same as ten years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qrsk1/continuity/
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A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.
The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook!
Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, "guess you've just gotta fight fryer with fryer".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qrrnc/a_mcdonalds_grill_operator_starts_kicking_off/
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Sex is the best thing to wake up to...

Unless you're in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qrot6/sex_is_the_best_thing_to_wake_up_to/
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I’m not the best midwife

I need to work on the delivery a bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qrnwb/im_not_the_best_midwife/
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A joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "welcome to r/jokes i haven't seen you before

And the joke replies, "your memory must be bad, because i came yesterday".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qrn35/a_joke_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender_says/
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An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker ....

.... were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.  The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem.  The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe.
The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck.  They flew to Texas and when the Alaska woodpecker successfully pecked the tree, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state.
After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:  Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qrk6i/an_alaskan_woodpecker_and_a_texas_woodpecker/
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A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.
-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?
-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. If they answer it correctly, then they are cured and are free to go.
The director gathers three patients for a demonstration.
-So, resident 121, what is six times six?
-One thousand? -says the first one.
-Well no, that's another year here for you.
The director proceeds to ask the second patient the same question.
-Well, the answer is February.
-My God... No, no it isn't. You are staying here one more year.
Finally, the director asks the question to the third patient.
-What is six times six?
-Obviously it 36.
The director cheers the third patient and proceeds to comunicate the asylum staff he is ready to leave. The new guy asks the patient before he leaves:
-Good job answering correctly. How did you know it?
-Well, it was easy. I divided one thousand by February.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qrfqt/a_new_guy_starts_working_at_the_local_mental/
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What is the most religious drink?

Apple Jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qrepj/what_is_the_most_religious_drink/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph.
Because he’s not the full essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qre7o/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah..." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qre2n/i_was_on_the_phone_with_my_wife_and_said_im/
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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qrcxf/cop_on_horse_says_to_little_girl_on_bike_did/
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Yo momma's so fat, that when she fell

no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qrc1p/yo_mommas_so_fat_that_when_she_fell/
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headache

Husband: "Here's a pill for your headache."
Wife: "But I don't have a headache."
Husband: "Gotcha!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qrbe8/headache/
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I dream of having a foursome

It's when they don't want to have sex but I foursome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qr6al/i_dream_of_having_a_foursome/
%
How do spirits travel long distances?

The ethereal plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qqxp9/how_do_spirits_travel_long_distances/
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An EMT is treating an elderly man in his home

An EMT is treating an elderly man suffering from a heart attack at his home.
The medics strap him in and set the gurney into the back of the ambulance when they stop to ask the mans wife a few questions.
"Now just start at the beginning and tell me what happened"
The old woman nodded and started to speak
"Well we were having sex"
The EMT visibly surprised stopped the woman there to warn her of the risks that it could have at their age
"You really shouldn't be doing something like this at your age, things could have gone much worse"
The old woman feeling quite ashamed tried to defend the act
"Well we thought we were safe by our rule! Listen for the church bells and it was go in on the DING and out on the DONG"
The medic obviously confused
"That doesn't sound too strenuous is there anything else?"
"Well not really"
The old woman stopped for a moment then started to get flustered.
"He would have been fine if it weren't for that damned ice cream truck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qqwqx/an_emt_is_treating_an_elderly_man_in_his_home/
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I don't reckon Germany will win the World Cup again

Historically speaking, they don't fight well when they head up to Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qqvin/i_dont_reckon_germany_will_win_the_world_cup_again/
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Area 51

The US Air Force has a high security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"
One afternoon, a Cessna landed at this "secret" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded and the pilot was interrogated.
The pilot's story was that - he took off from Vegas, got lost and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They re-fueled his airplane, threatened him that if he lands again he would spend the rest of his life in prison and let him go.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force personnel, the same Cessna landed there again!
Once again, the MP surrounded the plane. Only this time, there were two people in the plane!
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where the hell I was last night!"
Wives....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qqt3t/area_51/
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A man is reading his book at the bus stop when a teenage girl sits next to him and starts crying.

The man doesn't look up from his book, but he hears the girl. She sounds really upset and, through tears, she says, "37."
The man finds this odd, but he's very interested in his book, so he disregards it. But the girl keeps crying--tears streaming down her face--until she finally yells out unexpectedly, "79!"
The man finally looks up at the girl, and he sees she's a total wreck. Snot is coming out of her nose and tears are pouring down her face. She screams out in distress, "9,351!"
He finally puts his book down and hands her a tissue. "There, there, my child," he says. "Here, calm down. Now, what exactly is the problem? Why are you crying?"
The girl takes the tissue and dries her eyes, but she's still whimpering. After a few more sobs and a few deep breaths, she finally replies:
"I literally can't even!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qqsor/a_man_is_reading_his_book_at_the_bus_stop_when_a/
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What do you call a seagull in Nebraska?

Lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qqqxy/what_do_you_call_a_seagull_in_nebraska/
%
Knock, Knock..

**Who’s there?**
Nine-Eleven.
**Nine-Eleven, who?**
I thought you said you’d never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qqqf5/knock_knock/
%
I HATE Russian nesting dolls...

They're so full of themself's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qqpo1/i_hate_russian_nesting_dolls/
%
The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qqlei/the_england_football_team_visited_an_orphanage_in/
%
What do you call a generic brand of potatoes?

Imitators

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qqiqe/what_do_you_call_a_generic_brand_of_potatoes/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qqi71/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
President Trump is visiting LA, when he decides to take the limousine to home

After a while, bored Donald Jr. asks "are we there yet?"
Trump puts his hand out of the limo window and says "no, we're still in California."
After a long while, Junior asks "are we there yet?"
Trump puts his hand out of the limo window and says "no, we're now in Midwest."
After even a longer while, Junior asks "are we there yet?"
Trump puts his hand out of the limo window and says "yeah, we're in East Coast now alright."
Junior looks at his father curiously. "How can you know where we are just by putting your hand out of the window?"
Trump says "it's simple, believe me. When I put my hand out in California, people were spitting on it. When I put my hand out in Midwest, people were kissing it. And when I put my hand out in East Coast, somebody stole my watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qqcz4/president_trump_is_visiting_la_when_he_decides_to/
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Why are there no fat people in Japan?

The last time they had a fat man, 80,000 people died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qq9yr/why_are_there_no_fat_people_in_japan/
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What do you call bloopers on a porn video?

The gag reel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qpwqy/what_do_you_call_bloopers_on_a_porn_video/
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There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qpvow/there_was_this_haunted_icu_in_a_hospital_people/
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I got a job as a mirror inspector

It's a job I can see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qptfm/i_got_a_job_as_a_mirror_inspector/
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the bar serving drinks

The man takes a seat at the bar, mouth wide open, stunned. The horse is interacting with customers, mixing drinks, taking meal orders, and giving change.
Finally the horse sees the man, and says “What’s the matter, buddy? Never seen a talking horse before?”
The man says, “No, it’s not that. I just never thought the cow would sell the place.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qpntp/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_horse_behind/
%
My wife told me "You're not even listening to me!"

I thought to myself, that's an odd way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qpj0k/my_wife_told_me_youre_not_even_listening_to_me/
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“Knock, knock”

“Who’s there?”
“Dwayne”
“Dwayne, who?”
“Dwayne da tub I’m dwowning”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qphwo/knock_knock/
%
A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, "I'm a panda. Google me!" Sure enough, panda: "A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qp8b1/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear the Time Warner-AT&T merger has been approved ?

They’re renaming the company to: *”TWATT”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qp8am/did_you_hear_the_time_warneratt_merger_has_been/
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Poor old fool...

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the ninth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qp7gd/poor_old_fool/
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My neighbors all refer to me as “The Lawnmower Whisperer.”

Talking with lawnmowers is quite simple, actually. All you have to do is say, “¿Hola, cómo estás, Juan?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qp6e3/my_neighbors_all_refer_to_me_as_the_lawnmower/
%
What do you call a blind person who hates jews.

A not-see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qp5sp/what_do_you_call_a_blind_person_who_hates_jews/
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(True story) I work as an IT Specialsit and recently finished setting up the network of an affiliate office..

I made the WiFi password: *iforgotthepassword*
I’ve been getting a kick out of people asking around for it the past week.
The office manager asked me to change it for the sake of customers.  I told him, “I forgot the password” and just about set him off the deep end lol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qp5pd/true_story_i_work_as_an_it_specialsit_and/
%
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.”

Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qp53b/a_mexican_kid_meets_donald_trump_and_says_to_him/
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Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qoyc1/why_did_the_console_player_cross_the_road/
%
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

I don’t know, he hasn’t opened it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qoy2y/what_did_the_kid_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
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Where did the lady with one leg work?

iHob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qoxsa/where_did_the_lady_with_one_leg_work/
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The nun and the bus driver

It was late, and the bus was empty.
The bus rolled to a stop and a lone nun got on.
The nun took the seat right behind the driver.
The driver noticed the nun seemed to be very unhappy.
"How you doing sister, you seem sad"
"Well my son I am.. I have been contemplating my life and it troubles me that I might die without every experiencing sex"
"I can undersatnd that sister.... ya know, if there was anything I could do to help you out with that I'd be more than happy to"
"Well my son... that would be very kind of you, but there would have to be a couple conditions..."
".. first it would have to be with a man that isn't married and has no children, as that would be a sin against God"
"Hey sister! thats me, never been married and no kids!"
"... also I'd have to take it up the butt.. since I have to die a virgin"
"Totally understand sister, no problem!"
The driver finds a spot to pull over and they get busy.
After they finish and they are again rolling down the road the driver begins to feel guilty...
"Sister, I have a confession to make... I'm married and I have three kids"
"That's okay my son ..."
"... my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qoxnk/the_nun_and_the_bus_driver/
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A Lot Of People Are Saying Steve Jobs Would Make A Better President than Trump.

But that's just ridiculous, it's like comparing apples and oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qow1o/a_lot_of_people_are_saying_steve_jobs_would_make/
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What's Gordon Ramsay's Favorite Movie?

It's FUCKING FROZEN!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qova3/whats_gordon_ramsays_favorite_movie/
%
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."

But John came fifth, and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qotns/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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When life gives you melons...

You might be dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qornh/when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
A man walks into a bar

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qoril/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qoqds/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Why did the tomato turn red?

Because he saw the salad dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qoopv/why_did_the_tomato_turn_red/
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After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore.

I deleted the app.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qooka/after_installing_a_personal_budget_control_app_i/
%
Three blondes are walking when they come across tracks. The first blondes says “I know these, they’re deer tracks!” The second says “No! They’re bear tracks” Finally the third speaks up and says “Your both wrong! They’re obviously fox trails!”

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qomwc/three_blondes_are_walking_when_they_come_across/
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No greater love

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"
The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
"Yes, sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qohet/no_greater_love/
%
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.
The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”
The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!”
The doctor says, “Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let’s work on your hearing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qoh2e/a_little_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says/
%
My friend said that an onion is the only food that can make people cry

So I threw a coconut at his face to prove him wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qogss/my_friend_said_that_an_onion_is_the_only_food/
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The famous psychic

A famous psychic was giving a show.
"How many of you have seen a ghost?"  he said to the large audience.  Several hands went up.
"Several of you, good.  Now, keep your hand up if you've \*touched\* a ghost."  All but a few hands go down.
"Ok, now keep your hand up if you've had \*sex\* with a ghost."  There's gasps and nervous laughter. Everybody's hands go down, except one.
The psychic is surprised but curious.  He runs over. "You sir, stand up.  You've actually had \*sex\* with a ghost!"
"Oh!  I thought you said goat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qoeu8/the_famous_psychic/
%
Wow, that Fortnite game you're playing is super quick!

Thought they would last at least two weeks.
Credit my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qoe40/wow_that_fortnite_game_youre_playing_is_super/
%
What did the Indian god say when a peasant asked for a better life

Have you tried turning yourself off and on
again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qo8w1/what_did_the_indian_god_say_when_a_peasant_asked/
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TIL Canada was named by pulling letters from a hat.

"C," eh?
"N," eh?
"D," eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qo5jq/til_canada_was_named_by_pulling_letters_from_a_hat/
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What kind of bagel can fly?

A plane bagel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qo2xg/what_kind_of_bagel_can_fly/
%
TIL the word “Manhattan” means “island of many hills” in the language of the original inhabitants and the hills were leveled as the city evolved.

I guess you could say it was man-flattened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qo22d/til_the_word_manhattan_means_island_of_many_hills/
%
r/Jokes is getting stale

At least we still have /r/politics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qnrkc/rjokes_is_getting_stale/
%
Guy is out for a walk and sees a rainbow

He decides to find the end of the rainbow to see if he can really find a pot of gold. So he follows the rainbow to the end, and is surprised to find, rather than a pot, a leprechaun standing there. The leprechaun says, "I'll give you a pot of gold, but there's one condition."
"What's that?" replies the guy, already counting up his millions in his mind.
"You have to let me fuck you up the ass," says the leprechaun.
Faced with a dilemma, the straight rainbow-chaser mulls over the situation. "It'll probably hurt like hell," he thinks, "but I'll just think of something else, it'll be all over before I know it, and I'll walk away a rich man."
So the guy agrees to that condition. He drops trou and bends over. The leprechaun hops up onto a nearby tree stump and starts plowing away. Mid-thrust, the leprechaun suddenly blurts out, "How old are you?"
"Umm, thirty-eight," the guy manages to grunt out.
"Really? Thirty-eight? And you STILL believe in leprechauns?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qnpf4/guy_is_out_for_a_walk_and_sees_a_rainbow/
%
Why do you never see gay men in wheelchairs?

Because you can’t be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qnpbs/why_do_you_never_see_gay_men_in_wheelchairs/
%
Why did the woman break up with her ghost boyfriend?

He got possessive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qnnte/why_did_the_woman_break_up_with_her_ghost/
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Tell a person there's a million stars in the sky and he'll believe you.

But tell a person that the bench is freshly painted and he'll touch it just to make sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qnnsr/tell_a_person_theres_a_million_stars_in_the_sky/
%
I wish I had photographic memory

but it never developed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qnh83/i_wish_i_had_photographic_memory/
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Son: (Sobbing) "Dad, my teacher said I would never be the brightest star in the sky"

Dad: "You're not Sirius?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qngsc/son_sobbing_dad_my_teacher_said_i_would_never_be/
%
A paralyzed man says to his friend, “Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold”

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man’s two sexy 17 year old daughters.
He says, “Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.”
One of the girls replies, “That couldn’t possibly be true!”
The man says “I’ll prove it” and then yells towards the stairs, “Both of them?”
The paralyzed man yells back “Of course both of them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qnawc/a_paralyzed_man_says_to_his_friend_go_upstairs/
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Once upon a time there was a girl.

This girl had the ability to heal any living thing imaginable. One day a very injured demon came to see her and, out of the kindness of her heart, she healed him. The demon rose up and thanked her for her kindness. But when the girl outstretched her hand to shake his he flew away.
The town denounced her when they discovered she healed the demon. They called her a heretic and decided to lynch her. As she was hanging the demon flew in and saved her just in the nick of time. Confused, she asked, “Why did you save me?” to which he replied “I’m not just gonna leave you hanging!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qn9lg/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_girl/
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Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation

New phone WHO diss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qn6bx/im_currently_doing_my_dissertation_on_the_safety/
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Two friends are traveling through a deafening storm

"SURE IS WINDY TODAY!"
"IT'S THURSDAY!"
"ME TOO! I THINK THERE'S A BAR JUST UP THE ROAD!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qn56o/two_friends_are_traveling_through_a_deafening/
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A man with cancer goes to the doctor

The doctor says, "I have bad news. You've got more cancers."
The man asks, "How many?"
"Two more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qn4qg/a_man_with_cancer_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
A guy walks into a bar. As he is walking up to the bar he notices a twelve-inch man playing the piano,

So he asks the bartender “What’s that all about?” motioning to the dwarf,
The bartender told him he would tell him later. So the guy orders a drink. The bartender says,
“Before you get a drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish.”
“Okay,” said the guy. He walks over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie.
The genie, of course, said, “You have one wish.”
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared.
In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back with a million ducks around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, “Hey! I didn’t want a million ducks.” The bartender replied, “Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qn3ti/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_as_he_is_walking_up_to_the/
%
There's a party in the Olympic Village one night...

... and from across the room, a sprinter sees a diver talking to the most beautiful woman that he has ever laid eyes on. Later in the evening, the sprinter approaches the diver to ask about her.
"I just can't get her out of my head!" the sprinter says. "I have to sleep with her! Who is she?"
The diver, obviously hesitant, considers this. "Listen," he says, "I know a thing or two about that woman, but I'm not going to just tell you. Maybe if you could get me some alcohol, then we could talk."
Well, alcohol being forbidden in the Olympic Village, the sprinter knows that the request is a steep one... but as luck has it, he actually has a secret supply of liquor hidden in his room. He retrieves it, returns, then plies the diver with drink until the man is ready to talk.
"Okay, listen," the diver says, slightly slurring his words. "That woman? She'll sleep with anyone who claims to be a gold medalist. Just keep the lights off when you go into her room, and she'll never know the difference."
The sprinter is ecstatic to hear this. He waits for the party to wind down, then sneaks over to the woman's room and knocks on the door. It opens a crack, and – keeping his face turned away – the sprinter says, "Hi, I'm a gold medalist."
In a sudden whirlwind of motion, the sprinter finds himself being pulled into the room. What follows is the most mind-blowing sex of his life, after which he is left feeling tired, satisfied... and a little bit guilty. While lying there in the darkness, he turns to his partner.
"Listen," he says, "I'm really sorry about this, but I'm not actually a gold medalist."
"That's okay," comes a voice. "I'm the buzzed diver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qn04i/theres_a_party_in_the_olympic_village_one_night/
%
I got boots for my birthday then regifted them

It was a reboot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qmzt6/i_got_boots_for_my_birthday_then_regifted_them/
%
A man walks up to a hotel counter to check out.

The woman at the counter notices his bulge, and can’t help but stare at it. The man asks “what are you doing?” The woman says “I’m checking you out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qmxah/a_man_walks_up_to_a_hotel_counter_to_check_out/
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"D-d-d..."

Dad - "Hey look! He's gonna say his first words!"
Son - "D-d-dad I'm 30 years old st-st-stop making fun of my stu-tu-tutter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qmx0n/ddd/
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I uploaded pictures of my butt to iCloud

I guess I just like to back that ass up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qmuin/i_uploaded_pictures_of_my_butt_to_icloud/
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A cowboy goes into a bar and sits down...

.... he orders a drink and lights a cigarette. A lady walks up to him and asks “are you a real cowboy?” He looks up and says “Of course I am! I ride a horse and rope cows all day long. What are you?” The lady replies “I’m a lesbian. I think about women constantly. I wake up and I think about women, I go about my day thinking about women and I go to sleep and dream about women.”
Later a couple walks into the bar and they sit down next to the cowboy and order drinks. “Are you a real cowboy?” The wife asks. The cowboy looks up at her with an ashen face and says “I thought I was but today I learned I’m a lesbian!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qmmbu/a_cowboy_goes_into_a_bar_and_sits_down/
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How to embarrass an archaeologist:

hand them a used tampon and ask, "which period is this from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qmjus/how_to_embarrass_an_archaeologist/
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Whats the difference between a joke and a dead baby?

A joke can get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qmj6b/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_a_dead/
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Little Johnny was in Spanish Class one day...

The teacher said, "Okay, class, tell me a sentence that has to do with Nicaragua."
The teacher calls on Mary Lou. "The flag of Nicaragua has white and blue stripes, with a coat of arms in the middle."
The teacher calls on Jason next. "Nicaragua is located in Central America, with 6 other countries."
Lastly, the teacher calls on Little Johnny. "When I saw a Black Mexican on the street yesterday dying of thirst, his brother was constantly pleading people to get that Nicaragua."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qmcu6/little_johnny_was_in_spanish_class_one_day/
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I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qm4yv/i_farted_in_my_wallet/
%
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qm26b/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
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I went up to my wife this morning and said "I have a big problem

She replied "Now look, you don't have a problem, we have a problem, remember our wedding day? for better for worse, for richer for poorer and all that, now what's this so called big problem"?
I said "We've got your sister pregnant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qlrp3/i_went_up_to_my_wife_this_morning_and_said_i_have/
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Husband: Hey honey I brought you some Tylenol for your headache.

Wife: I don't have a headache
Husband: Great because I also bought condoms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qloss/husband_hey_honey_i_brought_you_some_tylenol_for/
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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qlm9x/juan_comes_up_to_the_mexican_border_on_his_bicycle/
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I bought a thesaurus today, when I got home I realised all the pages were blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qlg7i/i_bought_a_thesaurus_today_when_i_got_home_i/
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What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qlfoc/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_girl_with_a_yeast/
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What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

The ba\-na\-na\-naaaa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ql99v/whats_beethovens_favorite_fruit/
%
When I was about 14 my dad walked into my room and said, "Son, if you masturbate you'll go blind."

I said, "Dad!  I'm over here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ql8hy/when_i_was_about_14_my_dad_walked_into_my_room/
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The Johnsons are celebrating Christmas...

Little Timmy, who just turned 6, never speaks. He is always silent and all the family thinks he's got some kind of problem.
While all the family is enjoying Christmas evening dinner, suddenly, little Timmy stands up and says:
"-Uncle"
All the family is speechless. They proceed to cheer little Timmy and ask him to say something else, but little Timmy remains silent again.
The next morning, uncle Tom is found dead in his house.
Fast forward, on next Christmas, the Thompsons are hosting another huge family dinner, and suddenly little Timmy stands up again:
"-Grandpa"
Family cheers, all of them except Grandpa Elliot who remembers last years dinner, after his grandson words doomed uncle Tom. Everyone makes fun of it and expect little Timmy to speak up again, but nothing more comes out his lips.
That very same night, grandpa Elliot suffers a seizure and dies.
Fast forward another year, and the Thompsons are hosting yet another not-so-huge-this-time Christmas dinner. Assistants are both thrilled and terrified about if little Timmy will mark nother family member for death. Almost at the end of the dinner, when everyone thinks they are safe, little Timmy stands up again:
"-Dad"
The Thompsons are devastated. Mr Adam Thompson, with a tear in his eye, proceeds to call the emergency notary, and places everything in order. He then hugs his family one last time, opens up the bottle of bourbon he kept for special occasions and drinks all of it, falling asleep.
The next morning, Mr Adam Thompson wakes up in what seems to be not his house. Warm morning sun is bathing his tired face. Everything is silent. Still sleepy and suffering the effects of the hangover, he stands up and stumbles upon some person dressed in white robes.
"-Am I in Heaven?", he asks. "Are you an angel?"
"No sir, I am your doctor. You were lucky, you suffered a severe alcohol intoxication, but you will be okay."
Feeling happy to have cheated death, Mr Adam recovers and goes back home in a couple hours. While returning to his home, his neighbour greets him:
"Hey Adam! Glad to see you recovered! Damn, what a dreadful Christmas night! First, you suffer that intoxication and almost die, and a couple hours later we hear that Bob, the milkman, has hung himself in his appartment!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ql7pf/the_johnsons_are_celebrating_christmas/
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Yesterday I saw an ad

that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ql7b8/yesterday_i_saw_an_ad/
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Why was Heisenberg's wife so sexually unsatisfied?

When her husband had the position, he couldn't find the momentum.
When he had the energy, he couldn't find the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ql5m3/why_was_heisenbergs_wife_so_sexually_unsatisfied/
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Sex is like a video game for me.

I usually just watch gameplay footage of it but never actually play it myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ql3mm/sex_is_like_a_video_game_for_me/
%
There was a boy born without eye lids last week!

Doctors were able to make him eye lids out of the foreskin from his circumcision.
They think he will be alright, but he is going to be a little cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ql36s/there_was_a_boy_born_without_eye_lids_last_week/
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A young couple gets married

. Very quickly, the wife decides that children would be a blessing. The man nervously agrees.
For weeks they try to have a baby, making love almost every night. The man always seems on edge after each attempt and his wife gets suspicious. She suspects he is cheating. Without knowing whether he is or not, she takes action. She finds a man to cheat on with her husband.
Night after night they make love and the wife hopes for a baby. Eventually, the wife is pregnant
The husband, still oblivious, calls his wife home to talk. The wife suspects he wants to come clean.
“I have a confession” the man says.
“As do I” the wife answers.
“Oh okay, you go first then” says the man, intrigued.
The wife exclaims “I’m pregnant!”
“Oh,” the man responds,”I was gonna say I’m sterile.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ql262/a_young_couple_gets_married/
%
Driver's License Test Question:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
.
.
.
.
Get off the Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qkw1v/drivers_license_test_question/
%
The Coldest Igloo in the World

Three Eskimos are arguing loudly in a bar. Each is convinced his igloo is the coldest in the world. The bartender, tired of overhearing the argument, suggests, "Why don't you just visit each other's igloos and see for yourselves whose igloo is coldest?" The eskimos agree to this suggestion.
At the first eskimo's igloo, he takes them inside and says, "I will show you just how cold my igloo is." He licks his fingertip, then touches it to the metal doorknob of the coat closet. It freezes quickly, and he begins opening and closing the door with just one finger. "You see?" he says. "That's the coldest igloo in the world!"
"That isn't cold," laughs the second eskimo. "Come to my igloo and I'll show you the coldest igloo in the world!"
At the second eskimo's igloo, he takes the others into the kitchen. He fills up a glass of water in the sink. "I will show you just how cold my igloo is," says the second eskimo. He tips the glass and starts pouring the water onto the floor. As the water hits the floor, it freezes, and the stream keeps freezing upward all the way to the glass. The eskimo releases the glass and it stays in midair, supported by the ice beneath it. "You see?" he says, "Now that's the coldest igloo in the world!"
The first eskimo has to agree that this is very cold, indeed. But the third eskimo just laughs. "Come to my igloo," says the third eskimo, "And I will show you the coldest igloo in the world."
At the third eskimo's igloo, he takes the others into the bedroom. "I will show you how cold my igloo is," he announces. He walks over to the bed and pulls back the covers. On the sheets are some thin, brown smudges. The third eskimo peels off one of the smudges, throws it into the fire, and it goes...
(fart sound)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qkphr/the_coldest_igloo_in_the_world/
%
A young guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila for himself and drinks them quickly one after the other, loudly slamming the shot glass on the bar when he finishes each.

The bartender says, "Hey, what's the special occasion?"
The young guy says, "My first blowjob."
The bartender then says, "Congrats my young friend, the next shot is on me!"
And then the young guy says, "If 10 shots of tequila won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qknwb/a_young_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_10_shots/
%
A muslim enters a building...

With 500 passengers and a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qkn7v/a_muslim_enters_a_building/
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90 percent of adults admitted to having some form of sexual interaction in the office.

I licked an envelope once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qkk9l/90_percent_of_adults_admitted_to_having_some_form/
%
Where do one-legged people work at?

IHOP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qkg44/where_do_onelegged_people_work_at/
%
Husband : Please Call An Ambulance I Think Am Having A Heart Attack...

Wife : (Took His Mobile Phone) Quickly, Give Me The Password... Husband : Ooh I Think Am Fine Now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qkc0q/husband_please_call_an_ambulance_i_think_am/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it... Ba Dum Tiss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qk9tc/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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A lot of people believe Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen in the basement of CalArts.

# I personally love this conspiracy theory because it's a wonderful example of suspended animation.
Credit to the greatest animation professor of all time, Mr. Theo Artz of Drexel University.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qk8p9/a_lot_of_people_believe_walt_disney_is/
%
If you give a man a fire, he’ll be warm for the night.

If you set a man on fire, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qk8cx/if_you_give_a_man_a_fire_hell_be_warm_for_the/
%
I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far.

This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qk7ci/i_think_the_rainforest_cafe_takes_the_whole/
%
Why is North Korea so accurate at measuring microscopic distances?

They have a supreme ruler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qk2te/why_is_north_korea_so_accurate_at_measuring/
%
Did you hear about the prostitute who's a philosophy major?

She could really blow your mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qk2ek/did_you_hear_about_the_prostitute_whos_a/
%
I want to start a company that sets dudes up on blind dates with their mom,

I'll call it Oedipal Arrangements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qk21e/i_want_to_start_a_company_that_sets_dudes_up_on/
%
Noah was feeling bored on the Ark

His wife said, "Why don't you go outside and fish for a little?"
Noah agreed, grabbed his fishing pole and went out on the deck to fish.
He comes back in 10 minutes later, sits down, and pouts.
His wife asks him, "Why did you stop fishing?" and he says,
"I ran out of worms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qk03i/noah_was_feeling_bored_on_the_ark/
%
What's difference between Bible and Trigonometry?

Eating Apple was greatest sin in Bible while in Trigonometry it's 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qjzbh/whats_difference_between_bible_and_trigonometry/
%
What did the protons yell as they rushed into battle?

*CHARGE!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qjsl6/what_did_the_protons_yell_as_they_rushed_into/
%
What do you call a deer that’s enlisted in the Air Force?

A bombar*deer*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qjptc/what_do_you_call_a_deer_thats_enlisted_in_the_air/
%
What do chefs research?

Cutting-edge technology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qjppp/what_do_chefs_research/
%
Every day, my neighbor gets on his tractor, and starts yelling, “The end is near!”

I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qjpla/every_day_my_neighbor_gets_on_his_tractor_and/
%
When Amy Schumer was a child, people laughed at her when she said she’d be a comedian

No one’s laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qjp6j/when_amy_schumer_was_a_child_people_laughed_at/
%
"My last name is Smith, because my dad was a blacksmith." "My last name is Fisher, because my dad was a fisherman."

"My last name is Dickinson, and I dont like this game"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qjod6/my_last_name_is_smith_because_my_dad_was_a/
%
I want to write a show called "Pun". I'll have the script printed out and taped to the floor of the set.

It'll be a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qjn98/i_want_to_write_a_show_called_pun_ill_have_the/
%
old couple

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She¹s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, he¹s getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qjflc/old_couple/
%
What is the difference between the USA and a yoghurt?

A yoghurt manages to develop a culture after 300 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qjffk/what_is_the_difference_between_the_usa_and_a/
%
I really dislike people doing Michael Jackson impressions

Whenever I see one, I turn 360 degrees and walk away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qjcpq/i_really_dislike_people_doing_michael_jackson/
%
What does the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

Same time next month?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qjbgz/what_does_the_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
%
The pope goes to New York

He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''
But the pope persists, ''Please?''
The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.''
So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.''
Chief: ''What sort of problem?''
Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.''
Chief: ''Important like the mayor?''
Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.''
Chief: ''Important like the governor?''
Cop: ''Way more important than that.''
Chief: ''Like the president?''
Cop: ''More.''
Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?''
Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qj9fp/the_pope_goes_to_new_york/
%
A drunk man approaches the bartender...

And he says, I bet you $100 I can stand on one end of the bar, and piss into a shot glass at the other end without making any mess at all.
The bartender laughs, and assumes there will be a little mess but for $100, cleaning it up wouldn't be a bad wage, so he agrees.
The man places the shot glass at one end of the bar, takes his penis out and proceeds to piss EVERYWHERE, all over the bar the stools, the floor, as the bartender stands horrified.
The bartender says "What the hell man, you didn't even half fill the glass up! You better pay up because right now im not happy with you!!"
The man smiles, reaches in his pocket and promptly pays the bartender.
The bartender says "If you knew you couldn't do it why did you make the bet?!"
The man replies "Because I bet my friend over there in the corner $500 that you'd let me piss all over your bar for $100. Thanks man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qj47s/a_drunk_man_approaches_the_bartender/
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American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qj47j/american_teachers_are_now_going_to_be_armed_with/
%
My dad said, always leave them wanting more.

Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qj3zm/my_dad_said_always_leave_them_wanting_more/
%
A joke walks into a bar and the bartender says,

I've already seen you on r/jokes 4 times today. I'm going have to cut you off until I forget about you tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qj3im/a_joke_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender_says/
%
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children.

Fair enough, use an ashtray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qj2xs/british_scientists_have_demonstrated_that/
%
An angry baby was born in the delivery room.

He was fuming, looking around the room and angrily pointed at the first man he saw and asked, "Hey you, are you my father?!" The man responded, "No, I'm your doctor."
The angry baby then pointed at another man and asked, "Hey you, are you my father?!" The man responded, "No, I'm the nurse."
Still furious, the baby angrily pointed at the last man in the room and asked, "How about you, are you my father?!" The man happily responded, "Yes, my son, I am your father!".
The baby gestured his father to come closer. As the father got close to the baby, the baby started pushing his fingers hard on his father's forehead repeatedly and yelled "HOW DOES THAT FEEL HUH? TELL ME, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qj0ph/an_angry_baby_was_born_in_the_delivery_room/
%
Man, being kidnapped is so easy...

I can do it with both hands tied behind my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qizst/man_being_kidnapped_is_so_easy/
%
What's the difference between EA and a priest?

The priest didn't take my money when he fucked me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qiwg8/whats_the_difference_between_ea_and_a_priest/
%
My fondest memories are of all the round trip plane tickets I bought.

Really takes me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qiut2/my_fondest_memories_are_of_all_the_round_trip/
%
There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.

It's called 'coma toes'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qipf4/theres_an_actual_medical_term_for_when_your_foot/
%
I did pretty well in my insect catching exam...

I got a bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qinxe/i_did_pretty_well_in_my_insect_catching_exam/
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A German in France

A German is traveling to France and is going through passport control. The agent asks the German "reason for travel ?"
"For work", replies the German.
Occupation ? Asks the agent.
"Not this time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qinwo/a_german_in_france/
%
I hate being bi-polar

It's awesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qin6m/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months."

Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his had and replied,
"Get yourself a new boyfriend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qin2e/the_teacher_wrote_on_the_blackboard_i_aint_had_no/
%
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?

Take away their brooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qilhd/how_do_you_keep_bacon_from_curling_in_the_pan/
%
I have a body made for sin...

Too bad this sin is gluttony...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qikus/i_have_a_body_made_for_sin/
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A radio station is having a contest

Any caller who can come up with a word the DJ can't find in the dictionary wins the prize.  They have to spell it and use it in a sentence.  After many calls and many failed attempts, someone finally has one.  "Thanks for calling 105.3!  What's your word caller?".  "Goan, spelled G-O-A-N." After scouring the dictionary the DJ comments "Wow, good job.  Now use it in a sentence".  "Goan fuck yourself!" exclaims the caller.  The DJ hangs up.  "Unfortunately for that caller, he is disqualified.  So the search is still on". Again, many calls and many failed attempts.  Finally, a word.  "Thanks for calling 105.3.  What's your word caller?". "Smee.  Spelled S-M-E-E".  Looking through the dictionary, finding nothing the DJ replies "Alright, use it in a sentence". "SMEE AGAIN, GOAN FUCK YOURSELF!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qidf8/a_radio_station_is_having_a_contest/
%
Three friends walk into a hotel room in Soviet Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qicmh/three_friends_walk_into_a_hotel_room_in_soviet/
%
What's the difference between two policemen fucking in the back of their car and a cinema snack?

One is popcorn.
The other is cop porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qicko/whats_the_difference_between_two_policemen/
%
My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’

That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qicab/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
%
"I'm stuck on the last piece of a crossword. 12 letters, the clue is: 'getting in your way'".

He said, "That's 'inconvenient'."
I said, "I know. That's why I need your help."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qic77/im_stuck_on_the_last_piece_of_a_crossword_12/
%
An electrician went to the buzzfeed headquarters,

He was asked to come because a power box was malfunctioning, He went to the reception and told them that he was there to fix the problem ,he was told to wait a minute . So he sat down at the reception. He saw that most of the people working there were in their twenties. He then wondered how advanced the society had become and what he would have done if he was their age, after some time  an employee came and then went with him to the malfunctioning box, the electrician then opened that box and saw that there were several wires connected all labeled with numbers for convenience. He then proceeded to open his toolbag and as he went on to inspect them , the employee who was watching him warned him "Careful, Number five will shock you" .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qibok/an_electrician_went_to_the_buzzfeed_headquarters/
%
What you call a fight between a Mexican and a Priest?

Alien vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qibh3/what_you_call_a_fight_between_a_mexican_and_a/
%
So, a black guy and a latino guy and an asian guy are all walking together

A man walks up to them with a knife and says “if your dick sizes don’t add up to 20 inches, then you’re all getting stabbed”. The black guy pulls it out and it’s 12 inches. The Latino guy pulls it out and it’s 7 inches. The Asian guys pulls it out and it’s 1 inch. The man with the knife says “you’re all very lucky” and walks off.
After the man walks away, the black guy says “you guys are lucky I’m black”.
The Latino guy then says “you guys are lucky I’m Latino”.
The Asian guy then says “you guys are lucky I had a boner”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qi9ia/so_a_black_guy_and_a_latino_guy_and_an_asian_guy/
%
When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English

It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qi7ck/when_kim_jongun_met_donald_trump_some_questioned/
%
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qi1kp/i_thought_my_son_was_spending_too_much_time/
%
I knew a woman who owned a taser

man was she stunning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qi11q/i_knew_a_woman_who_owned_a_taser/
%
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qi0ts/a_small_boy_swallowed_some_coins_and_was_taken_to/
%
I sneezed and my kids laughed

I yelled "you think it's funny but it's snot".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qhtzk/i_sneezed_and_my_kids_laughed/
%
Wanna hear the joke about sex?

Don't worry, you wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qhth4/wanna_hear_the_joke_about_sex/
%
What do you call a chicken that's looking at some lettuce?

Chicken Caesar Salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qho09/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_thats_looking_at_some/
%
One of my friends is addicted to money..

And since he's out of cash, he's going through withdrawal..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qhm18/one_of_my_friends_is_addicted_to_money/
%
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?

The guy planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qhlln/did_you_hear_what_the_foolish_gardener_did/
%
I threw some of my poo at a famous football player.

Shit got Messi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qhl4m/i_threw_some_of_my_poo_at_a_famous_football_player/
%
Never startle a magician

Man: Booh!
Magician: Aaaah!
Man: Did you just shit MY pants?
Magician: Tada!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qhie8/never_startle_a_magician/
%
Since Kim Jong Un clearly likes Trump, can we finally all agree that Trump is...

very Un-attractive?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qhhqr/since_kim_jong_un_clearly_likes_trump_can_we/
%
Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qhhi8/liberal_people_support_human_rights_and_the_idea/
%
A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.

Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?”
To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!”
Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?”
To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!”
Cinderblock says to her mother, “hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qhct6/a_woman_is_walking_home_with_her_three_daughters/
%
Take only one

A boy was at a church dinner. He approached the fruit table. A nun, who was refilling the apple tray, instructed him, "We need to feed many people, so be nice and take only one. Remember, God is watching." He took one apple and moved along.
When he got to the dessert table, he took as many cookies as he could put on his plate. When a nun asked why he was doing that, he said, "Don't worry, God is busy watching the apples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qhc8a/take_only_one/
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What do you call discrimination against erasers?

Erase-ism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qhbl5/what_do_you_call_discrimination_against_erasers/
%
I like my r/Jokes how I like my coffee

The same damn thing every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qh9wk/i_like_my_rjokes_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
My wife is a prostitute that likes to keep track of her customers per week

She says she does it to keep our relationship more personal.
I don't mind much, but it's the thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qh9dr/my_wife_is_a_prostitute_that_likes_to_keep_track/
%
I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.

I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything" I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad luck, divorce,drugs,alcohol problems"? He said "Na, I got released from prison"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qh8fe/i_went_up_to_a_homeless_man_sitting_on_a_bench_in/
%
When life gives you marmals

Make marmalade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qh7nj/when_life_gives_you_marmals/
%
What if a neutron enters a bar?

A neutron enters a bar and orders a drink.
The Bartender hands over the drink and says for you, no charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qh49i/what_if_a_neutron_enters_a_bar/
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An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don’t think I’ve seen you before.”

Original joke replies, “Don’t worry. Within a week or two, I’ll be a regular here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgzs4/an_original_joke_walks_into_a_bar_and_the/
%
I tried sorting r/Jokes by new

But all the results were from 13 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgyo5/i_tried_sorting_rjokes_by_new/
%
What's the difference between an original joke and a repost?

Approximately 1 day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgyg5/whats_the_difference_between_an_original_joke_and/
%
Yesterday evening...

I had to change a lightbulb. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a bar.
I realised my life was one big joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgw0h/yesterday_evening/
%
When I drink alcohol, everyone calls me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, nobody calls me

Or texts me. I'm so lonely :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgv90/when_i_drink_alcohol_everyone_calls_me_alcoholic/
%
Where does a man with one leg eat breakfast?

Ihob... wait... shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgv8g/where_does_a_man_with_one_leg_eat_breakfast/
%
Dad invented a device which allows people to see through doors

He called them "windows"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgsm0/dad_invented_a_device_which_allows_people_to_see/
%
What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgr32/what_do_the_mafia_and_pussies_have_in_common/
%
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hang on to your nuts, This isn't your ordinary blow job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgpom/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_palm_tree/
%
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool

So I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgoky/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
%
On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says “I will destroy America...”

Trump replies, “No way, that’s my job. I won’t have another asian stealing an American job.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgle6/on_meeting_donald_trump_kim_jon_un_says_i_will/
%
Annual medical check

A man went in for his annual medical checkup and the doctor said "dont eat anything fatty"
The man sighed and said "does that include burgers and fries?"
"No, fatty, I mean dont eat anything!" Replied the doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgle5/annual_medical_check/
%
My girlfriend said she was getting annoyed with all my fish puns

So I told her if she wanted me to stop making them to let minnow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgldp/my_girlfriend_said_she_was_getting_annoyed_with/
%
Microsoft hires regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation.

It's a very PC work environment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qghja/microsoft_hires_regardless_of_race_religion_or/
%
Why do gangsters hold their guns sideways?

Because that's the way it came in the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgfvp/why_do_gangsters_hold_their_guns_sideways/
%
Dave : How’s the diet going?

Dave : How's the diet going?
Karen : Well, today's my cheat day
Dave : What does that mean?
Guy in bed : Don't worry about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgemn/dave_hows_the_diet_going/
%
A man went to rehab for being addicted to deli meats

He stopped cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgek9/a_man_went_to_rehab_for_being_addicted_to_deli/
%
My son used to make fun of my “dad jokes”.

He’s dead now.  The police didn’t even investigate.
They said the cause was apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qgck5/my_son_used_to_make_fun_of_my_dad_jokes/
%
A wizard came to my house once.

He started turning my tables to jars, chairs to jars, plates to jars and everything to jars.
What really pissed me off was when he left the door ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qg9td/a_wizard_came_to_my_house_once/
%
What do you call a hen that acts like an asshole?

Jerk chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qg8cu/what_do_you_call_a_hen_that_acts_like_an_asshole/
%
Yo mama so fat and ugly,

She may be a planet, but she ain't no heavenly body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qg7y2/yo_mama_so_fat_and_ugly/
%
The world is an oyster

Much nicer on crackers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qg6hr/the_world_is_an_oyster/
%
What do you call a magician's dead body?

Abra cadaver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qg5xr/what_do_you_call_a_magicians_dead_body/
%
You know how Al Gore invented the internet?

Well he also invented a rhythm for it. It's a powerful rhythm, it's called the Al Gore Rhythm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qg2eq/you_know_how_al_gore_invented_the_internet/
%
No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, no sex tonight either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qg108/no_sex_tonight/
%
They're making a new Beauty and the Beast where the princess is brain damaged and everyone picks her up to do curls.

She is a dumb Belle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qfzyi/theyre_making_a_new_beauty_and_the_beast_where/
%
An old guy just bought a brand new corvette.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qfy8k/an_old_guy_just_bought_a_brand_new_corvette/
%
TIL a blue whale is so big, if you laid it out on a basketball court

they would have to cancel the game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qftbd/til_a_blue_whale_is_so_big_if_you_laid_it_out_on/
%
What do you call a group of classically trained, gender fluid, Russian musicians?

A Trans Siberian Orchestra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qft47/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_classically_trained/
%
I remember the time when I was reminiscing my love life while cutting onion

The onion cried

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qfrz3/i_remember_the_time_when_i_was_reminiscing_my/
%
Why Can Girls Only Count Odd Numbers?

They just cant even right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qfprs/why_can_girls_only_count_odd_numbers/
%
Well well well...

3 holes in the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qfkch/well_well_well/
%
Why did LeBron James choose to not go to college?

Because he struggles with finals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qfi1u/why_did_lebron_james_choose_to_not_go_to_college/
%
A man is sitting next to woman on a bus

The woman is trying to breastfeed, but the baby refuses to suck on her breast. She warns her child, “if you don’t start sucking, I’m going to give it to the man next to me”, but the baby still refuses.
After 20 minutes, the woman repeats the threat several times to no avail. The man finally clears his throat and says, “look here lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off 6 bus stops ago!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qfeh8/a_man_is_sitting_next_to_woman_on_a_bus/
%
If the President had a dog

Would it be a Trumpet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qfbv2/if_the_president_had_a_dog/
%
A japanese guy gets off the plane to New York

He needs American money so he goes to the bank but doesnt know much english. He goes to the teller and says "me, change" and hands over 10,000yen. The bank teller understands and takes it and hands over $100
The next day, the japanese guy does the same thing and gives 10,000yen to the bank teller but only gets $90 in return.
He says "last day i got $100, not $90 you made mistake"
The teller replies "flucuations"
The japanese guy is furious and a has a look of digust. He replies "well, f*** you too white guy" and storms off.
**(*dont know if its repeated here but i remember my dad telling me somewhere a decade ago*) if you dont get the joke you probably have to read it in a accent**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qfb11/a_japanese_guy_gets_off_the_plane_to_new_york/
%
A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit

He slams on his brakes, gets out and walks up to the flattened bunny.  The bunny is obviously expired. A passing car slams on it’s brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny pulls out an aerosol can and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The Bunny jumps up runs a few feet, then stops, turns around and waves it’s paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight. The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says “Wow that is amazing, what is in that can” the man looks at the can and reads the label “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qf9ce/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_runs_over_a/
%
What's the difference between America and Canada?

This joke has been blocked by your ISP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qf93l/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_canada/
%
Two gay guys got into a fight at a bar...

Then went outside to exchange blows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qf8a6/two_gay_guys_got_into_a_fight_at_a_bar/
%
Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes

That way, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qf780/never_criticize_someone_until_youve_walked_a_mile/
%
A man elbows a woman's boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."
To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qf61g/a_man_elbows_a_womans_boob/
%
Dave joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and Dave immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”
Dave replies, “No, what do you mean?”
She says, “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Dave is very happy and continues exploring the facilities.
He enters a sauna, sits down and lets one rip.
Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man says, “Sir, did you call for me?”
Dave replies, “No, what do you mean?”
The huge man says, “You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Dave around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Dave rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked, receptionist. “May I help you sir?”
Dave says, “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 membership fee.”
The shocked receptionist says, “But, sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours. You have only seen a small fraction of our facilities.”
Dave replies, “Listen lady - I'm 65 years old. I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qf5wn/dave_joins_a_very_exclusive_nudist_colony/
%
I sat on my hand for a while, then masturbated with it. It was pure gold.

Thank you, kind stranger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qf5ec/i_sat_on_my_hand_for_a_while_then_masturbated/
%
I ran my car into a pole late last night

The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qf4w3/i_ran_my_car_into_a_pole_late_last_night/
%
Three men discover they have each been the victim of a shipwreck at some point in their past.

Three men are talking about their brushes with disaster, and by a stunning coincidence they find that all three of them have, at some point in their lives, been shipwrecked and stranded with the other survivors on a deserted island. They begin to detail their experiences.
"The hardest part was how stir-crazy we got," says the first. "We lost all our supplies in the wreck. It was hard to keep ourselves occupied while we waited out there."
"Most of us had loved ones waiting at home," says the second. "People went crazy with homesickness and worry; some even tried to swim for it."
"We didn't have time to be bored or homesick," says the third. "There was so little food, we barely managed to avoid starving before we were saved."
"That's awful. It reminds me, though," says the first. "We did stave off boredom some days by playing rugby with coconuts from the trees. We even had a tournament."
"Oh!" barks the second. "We actually had all these different berries growing around us, so we drew up boards and played things like checkers while we ate. It kept us distracted."
"Huh... Now that you mention it," says the third, "I guess we played with our food as well."
"Really? With food that scarce?" asks the second. "What did you play?"
"Russian roulette."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qexhz/three_men_discover_they_have_each_been_the_victim/
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I asked my girlfriend recently to tell me something that would make me happy and sad at the same time:

"You have a bigger penis than all your friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qevm9/i_asked_my_girlfriend_recently_to_tell_me/
%
A man was arrested for stealing while standing on the shoulders of two vampires

He was charged with shoplifting on two counts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qerio/a_man_was_arrested_for_stealing_while_standing_on/
%
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.
He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qeq5d/an_elderly_gentleman_walks_into_an_upscale/
%
I left my job today. I couldn't work for them after what they said to me.

They said, "You're fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qepgm/i_left_my_job_today_i_couldnt_work_for_them_after/
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What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?....

Christopher Walkin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qeoe2/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeve/
%
Taking a lesson because her golf game had been going so badly, a woman had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee.

Distraught and rather angry and disheartened, she went back into the clubhouse and told the golf pro about the incident.
"Where did it sting you?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
The pro shook his head and quickly exclaimed: "That’s your problem right there. You have your feet too far apart.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qeo99/taking_a_lesson_because_her_golf_game_had_been/
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An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before."

Original joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qeiqc/an_original_joke_walks_into_a_bar_and_the/
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A traveler enters a pub.

The barkeep says, "Welcome! What are you drinking?" The traveler, weary from her long journey, responds simply, "Your finest ale, please." The barkeep tells her, "Brilliant." As he pours her a pint of his finest ale, he makes her an offer.
"Since you are a first time customer, I will offer you a gift I offer all of my first time customers." The traveler blushed and nodded at the bartender, who was easy on her eyes.
"You may choose either this first pint of ale is free or instead you may pay for the beer and I will give you a piece of valuable advice." The traveler pondered this for a moment, knowing her coin purse is light.
"Though my purse is light, barkeep, I am intrigued by your offer. I will pay for my ale, now please share the valuable advice." The barkeep grinned, counting the coins she had given him, looked her in the eye and said, "You should've taken the free pint."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qeier/a_traveler_enters_a_pub/
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I've paid $.25 for a bag of Top Ramen since I was in college

Either they don't raise their prices for inflation or I've been getting ripped off the past 20 years...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qefj4/ive_paid_25_for_a_bag_of_top_ramen_since_i_was_in/
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What type of medicine should you take if your butt hurts?

Ass-Pirin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qecnh/what_type_of_medicine_should_you_take_if_your/
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The difference between humor and odor.

Humor is a shift of wit, While odor is a whiff of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qeclx/the_difference_between_humor_and_odor/
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What did the buffalo say when his boy went off to college?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qebr4/what_did_the_buffalo_say_when_his_boy_went_off_to/
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My parents said I don’t have to come home until the street lights come on

but we live in an Amish neighborhood so I think they just don’t love me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qe74y/my_parents_said_i_dont_have_to_come_home_until/
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Donald Trump was greeted with a naked picture of Kim Jong Un in today's meeting

Kim thought his advisors told him to interfere with US erections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qe73y/donald_trump_was_greeted_with_a_naked_picture_of/
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North Korea just announced it will host peace talks...

Between the United States and Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qe5s5/north_korea_just_announced_it_will_host_peace/
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a bush?

Russell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qe59e/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_or_legs_in_a/
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One minute I was masturbating and the next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital.

Dr said it’s a good thing my mom caught me in the middle of having a mini stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qe4dk/one_minute_i_was_masturbating_and_the_next_thing/
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What is a mans favorite thing that starts in "M" and ends in "arriage"?

Miscarriage.
This joke never gets old. Just like the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qdxif/what_is_a_mans_favorite_thing_that_starts_in_m/
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Police are searching for some lost cows in a marijuana field...

...the Steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qdw6i/police_are_searching_for_some_lost_cows_in_a/
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Pitbull saves family from house fire, pulls 7-month-old girl by her diaper

Good to know he's doing more than just music these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qdt19/pitbull_saves_family_from_house_fire_pulls/
%
I am here to say goodbye to Reddit, which I love so much...

My husband says I'm on Reddit every 2 minutes and he can't stand it anymore.
We argued, had a long discussion, and he told me to choose between him or the app.
Therefore, I am going to be offline for a couple of hours, while I prepare his luggage and call him a taxi.
I will be back shortly....
☺️

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qdqso/i_am_here_to_say_goodbye_to_reddit_which_i_love/
%
A man says to his doctor "obesity runs in my family." The doctor disagrees, replying

"The problem is not that obesity runs in your family; the problem is that no one in your family runs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qdfrb/a_man_says_to_his_doctor_obesity_runs_in_my/
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What was Emperor Palpatine's favourite type of cheese?

Gooooouda...
(This joke only makes sense depending on how you pronounce Gouda)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qdfr6/what_was_emperor_palpatines_favourite_type_of/
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Birth Control

A doctor who had been seeing a 70-year-old grandmother for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized
she had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs. Johnson you do realize these are birth control pills right?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Johnson, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep”
She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s leg.
“Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of apple juice that my 15-year-old granddaughter drinks. And, you can take my word for it, that pill lets me sleep like a baby every night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qde9z/birth_control/
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What is Albert Einstein's rapper name?

MC Squared

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qd1bu/what_is_albert_einsteins_rapper_name/
%
What do you call a smiling man holding a scythe?

A grin reaper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qd17p/what_do_you_call_a_smiling_man_holding_a_scythe/
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What's pink, wrinkly, and hangs out your pants?

Grandma doing laundry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qd0jn/whats_pink_wrinkly_and_hangs_out_your_pants/
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Everybody needs to calm down about Net Neutrality dying...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qcpok/everybody_needs_to_calm_down_about_net_neutrality/
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Most people have never tried steak tartare.

It's extremely rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qcp4v/most_people_have_never_tried_steak_tartare/
%
I was arrested the other day for keeping a sick bird of prey.

Turns out it was ill eagle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qcmtm/i_was_arrested_the_other_day_for_keeping_a_sick/
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I'm fine with IHOP changing their name to IHOB

I just feel bad for all the one-legged waitresses who lost their jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qclcj/im_fine_with_ihop_changing_their_name_to_ihob/
%
I used to be a phone sex operator,

**But I got hearing aids.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qcl1u/i_used_to_be_a_phone_sex_operator/
%
I just found out I'm colorblind.

I should have realized it years ago - I mean, there were green flags everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qchpz/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/
%
A particularly good looking woman goes in to talk to her insurance agent and he says, "would you have sex with me for $2000.00?

He shows her a thick stack of $100 dollar bills. She blushes a bit, but smiles, and says, "well. I guess so." And he says, Would you have sex with me for $200.00?
Now she says, "What do you think I am, some kind of whore?
He says, "We've already established that. Now we're just negotiating the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qcfjd/a_particularly_good_looking_woman_goes_in_to_talk/
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One Pope, in the Dark Ages, decreed that all Jews had to leave Rome...

...The Jews did not want to leave, and so the Pope challenged them to a disputation to prove that they could remain. No one, however wanted the responsibility… until the synagogue janitor, Moishe, volunteered.
As there was nobody else who wanted to go, Moishe was given the task. But because he knew only Hebrew, a silent debate was agreed. The day of the debate came, and they went to St. Peter’s Square to sort out the decision. First the Pope waved his hand around his head. Moishe pointed firmly at the ground.
The Pope, in some surprise, held up three fingers. In response, Moishe gave him the middle finger.
The crowd started to complain, but the Pope thoughtfully waved them to be quiet. He took out a bottle of wine and a wafer, holding them up. Moishe took out an apple, and held it up.
The Pope, to the people’s surprise, said, “I concede. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
Later, the Pope was asked what the debate had meant. He explained, “First, I showed him the Heavens, to show that God is everywhere. He pointed at the ground to signify that God is right here with us. I showed him three fingers, for the Trinity. He reminded me that there is One God common to both our religions. I showed him wine and a wafer, for God’s forgiveness. With an apple, he showed me original sin. The man was a master of silent debate.”
In the Jewish corner, Moishe had the same question put to him, and answered, “It was all nonsense, really. First, he told me that this whole town would be free of Jews. I told him, Go to Hell! We’re staying right here! Then, he told me we had three days to get out. I told him just what I thought of that proposal.” An older woman asked, “But what about the part at the end?” “That?” said Moishe with a shrug, “Well, I saw him take out his lunch, so I took out mine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qcd2i/one_pope_in_the_dark_ages_decreed_that_all_jews/
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Tarzan learns about sex

Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.
Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
"Check for squirrel." he responds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qcakk/tarzan_learns_about_sex/
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I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night..

Should have put it on aloha setting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qca48/i_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_last_night/
%
I'd consider Nihilism,

but does it even matter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qc9wj/id_consider_nihilism/
%
Why don't gay cruises sink?

They're too flambuoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qc55h/why_dont_gay_cruises_sink/
%
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qc4oe/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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The guy whom used to beat me up and take my lunch money in high school still takes my lunch money today.

On the plus side, he makes really great sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qc1t3/the_guy_whom_used_to_beat_me_up_and_take_my_lunch/
%
I lent an umbrella to a hot girl today

That makes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qc0y1/i_lent_an_umbrella_to_a_hot_girl_today/
%
How do you give a redneck a circumcision?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbzwu/how_do_you_give_a_redneck_a_circumcision/
%
How do you stop a bull from charging?

Just take away his credit card

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbztr/how_do_you_stop_a_bull_from_charging/
%
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says.  “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” Asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet.  The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbw3g/a_police_officer_jumps_into_his_squad_car_and/
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What do you call a 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbvtn/what_do_you_call_a_69/
%
Why does Metallica only care about one of their songs?

Nothing Else Matters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbvk1/why_does_metallica_only_care_about_one_of_their/
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A girl is having a date with a guy and is asking the guy if he drives well

Guy : I drive like lightning
Girl  : You drive fast?
Guy : No, I hit the trees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbu8u/a_girl_is_having_a_date_with_a_guy_and_is_asking/
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A monastery has a barbecue

It is usually prohibited for monks to eat meat, but the abbot one day realised that most monks had rarely eaten meat in their lifetime in the first place.
He decided that it would better for them to indulge in the taste and then learn to stave of the temptation of later consumption, so that the monks will-fully strive to be like Adam rather than doing so out of simply not knowing what it is like.
So on a sunny Thursday eve, the monks finish their prayers for the day and gather in the garden. In the garden, the head abbot gives the jobs of frying the meat to two monks; Brother Lucas and Friar Gabriel.
As the barbecue starts, the monks all take food from each server at a fairly similar rate. As the evening progresses however, Brother Lucas starts to get less and less monks asking him for food.
It gets to the point where he is alone on one side of the garden whilst everyone else is crowded around Friar Gabriel on the other.
Feeling annoyed, he goes to the Abbot.
"Father, I do not understand. Why is it that they flock to him and not I?" Brother Lucas asks.
"Well my child it's rather simple," the Abbot says.
"You may be a monk, but you aren't a friar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbtw2/a_monastery_has_a_barbecue/
%
"Say something positive about gay men"

"Not only do they leave more girls for us, they take another dude with them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbsqr/say_something_positive_about_gay_men/
%
How do you make laughing gas?

^3 He

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbsgd/how_do_you_make_laughing_gas/
%
Everyone disses The Emoji Movie but you have to admit...

Patrick Stewart was the shit in that film.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbrfa/everyone_disses_the_emoji_movie_but_you_have_to/
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What do Donald trumps hair and a thong have in common?

They both only barely cover the asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbqme/what_do_donald_trumps_hair_and_a_thong_have_in/
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What's the difference between Jesus and the subscribers at /r/braincels?

Jesus eventually got nailed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbppp/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_the/
%
A 86 year old virgin woman dies.

In her will she requests the following to be engraved on her tombstone:
"Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin."
But that was too long so instead they put:
"Returned unopened"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbgba/a_86_year_old_virgin_woman_dies/
%
One of my coworkers is always bragging about how much oral sex she gets.

She really likes to rub peoples' noses in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbfqn/one_of_my_coworkers_is_always_bragging_about_how/
%
The woman goes to the doctor.

He tells her "It looks like you're pregnant."
"I'm pregnant?!" the woman asks, excited
"No, but it looks like you are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbdql/the_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals.

I told her I hope she gets a "C".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qbcmj/my_daughter_has_a_math_test_on_roman_numerals/
%
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qapkb/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
What does lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

Same time next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qaoeq/what_does_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.
Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limericks, but less strict. All jokes follow this pattern in some way:
"All the children do x, except [name] because he/she does y."
Where y rhymes with the name. You can experiment with tense and phrasing as you like. The point is to make y as unexpected and comical in relation to x as possible. Of course, there is also the game of making these jokes as dirty and morbid as possible.
Some examples:
All the children were planned, except Jake.
His parents made a mistake.
All the children were tired, except Jane.
She had cocaine.
All the children stared into the microwave, except Jack.
He stared back.
All the children were swimming, except Joe.
His lungs were full of H2O.
All the children are loved by their parents, except Dale.
He is for sale.
All the children died in the school shooting, except Tim.
They'll regret not respecting him.
All the children were cannibals, except Lucy.
She was juicy.
All the children killed a terrorist, except Belle.
She killed an infidel.
All the children crossed the road, except Neil.
He was hit by an Oldsmobile.
All the children can handle explosives, except Grace.
She is all over the place.
Keep them coming...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qanfn/reintroducing_all_the_children_jokes/
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A German man went to London

While there, he decided to take in the atmosphere of the Great British Pub, and got talking with one of the patrons.
“So, where in Germany are you from?” he asked, after a couple of beers.
“Dresden,” the German man replied.
“Ah, Dresden! My father used to fly there three times a week.”
“On business?”
“No, in a Lancaster bomber.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qaije/a_german_man_went_to_london/
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Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qahoq/rumor_is_that_toy_story_4_will_focus_on/
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A guy is sitting in a bar with a beer. He doesn't look happy.

Another guy (who is decidedly bigger and stronger than the first one) comes in, sits down next to the first guy and slaps him on the shoulder. Without asking, he takes the beer of the unhappy man and drinks it. The smaller guy starts sobbing. "Don't make such a fuss!" says the big guy. "It's just a beer, no need to start crying."
"You have no idea! Early today, my wife left me and stole all the money from our bank account. Then, when I got to work, they told me I was fired! I tried to take my own life. First, I lay down on the train tracks, but the train was cancelled. Then I tried to hang myself but the rope snapped! When I finally tried to shoot myself the gun jammed. Well, and now I spent my last money buying a beer, poured poison into it and then you come and drink it all up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qacqj/a_guy_is_sitting_in_a_bar_with_a_beer_he_doesnt/
%
If a deaf person goes to court

Is it still called a hearing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qabtt/if_a_deaf_person_goes_to_court/
%
I treat every day like I am running a marathon tomorrow...

I rest, load up on carbs and don't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qa9u3/i_treat_every_day_like_i_am_running_a_marathon/
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Did you hear Chewbacca started working with porcelain?

They call him Hairy Potter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qa9nr/did_you_hear_chewbacca_started_working_with/
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Did you hear about the guy that invented knock knock jokes ?

He won the no-bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qa6ru/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_invented_knock/
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What do you call someone who doesn't understand grammar?

An person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qa684/what_do_you_call_someone_who_doesnt_understand/
%
Dad: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.

Me: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.
Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qa5dh/dad_grabs_chest_quick_call_me_an_ambulance/
%
Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes.

But they are a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8qa1jo/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite_kind_of_jokes/
%
What do you call a bookclub that's been stuck on the same book for years?

Bible studies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q9wol/what_do_you_call_a_bookclub_thats_been_stuck_on/
%
Why did the non binary prospector move west in 1849?

Because there's gold in them/their hills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q9uhw/why_did_the_non_binary_prospector_move_west_in/
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Say what you will, but today's young professionals are the ones that will eventually find the cure for cancer. I can see the headlines now:

"Millennials Killed Cancer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q9tey/say_what_you_will_but_todays_young_professionals/
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"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"

"Well, let's have a look at i\-that's weird." Says the doctor as the man bend's over. "What is it?" "You have a rolled up $20 bill sticking out of your butt." "Well, pull it out!" The doctor does. "Umm, now there's a rolled up $10 bill sticking out of your butt." The doctor retrieves the bill and it's replaced. This goes on. There's $20s,$10s, $5s, $1s, the odd $50 bill and a single hundred. Eventually, it stops. "How much is there?" Asks the man.
The doctor counts it up. "I've pulled $1,999.00 from your butt" "That'd be right," says the man, "I wasn't feeling two grand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q9tbp/doctor_doctor_my_butt_hurts/
%
A mail order bride and the butcher . . .

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.
Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did manage to communicate with her husband with gestures mostly. The real problem arose whenever she had to go grocery shopping.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request.  So in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to tell the butcher.  So she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.  The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store . . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . . now get your head out of the gutter. Her husband speaks English.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q9rpn/a_mail_order_bride_and_the_butcher/
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An American man goes on a business trip to Japan

His meeting is the next day and he decides to find a Japanese hooker as he's heard great things from his colleagues .
He has sex with a hooker and the whole night she screams :
"HOSHI MOTA!, HOSHI MOTA!"
But the man had no idea what that meant.
He goes to a morning golf game the next day with the Japanese CEO.
The business man makes a hole in one and is so excited he doesn't know what to say so he yells:
"HOSHI MOTA!, HOSHI MOTA!"
The CEO turns to him confused and asks:
"What do you mean "wrong hole?" "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q9qjv/an_american_man_goes_on_a_business_trip_to_japan/
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Tender Moments!!!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered with eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were still by my side. You know what Martha?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q9obh/tender_moments/
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A man visits a a lovely old couple for dinner.

The man sits down after the table has been set. The man looks down and says, "these dishes are still dirty!" The husband says, "they are as clean as creek water gets 'em!"
The man then goes to the restroom and sees the disgusting toilet bowl, he comes back saying, "do you ever clean around here?" The husband again says, "that's as clean as creek water gets 'em."
Finally the man decides to head to bed and goes into the guest bedroom to find a dog laying on the bed. He comes out yelling, "I am not sleeping with a dog!" The husband looks over and shrugs, "that's just ol' creek water, he never hurt no one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q9nfl/a_man_visits_a_a_lovely_old_couple_for_dinner/
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The stock market is like sex

You just need to know when to pull out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q9jp3/the_stock_market_is_like_sex/
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what do you call a person who cant differentiate a t-shirt from a polo

collar-blind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q9fgj/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_cant_differentiate/
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When they told me the longest race ever had taken nearly 5 hours, I chuckled.

I’ve been running from my responsibilities for 19 years now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q9eta/when_they_told_me_the_longest_race_ever_had_taken/
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A heart transplant

A patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in a car  accident, the 2nd is a 35 year old businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q9cng/a_heart_transplant/
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What did the strawberry say to the other strawberry?

It's your fault we're in this jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q99md/what_did_the_strawberry_say_to_the_other/
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Aspiring thief enters theater

Steals spotlight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q98u8/aspiring_thief_enters_theater/
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Where is the worst part of America?

Singapore currently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q96p3/where_is_the_worst_part_of_america/
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I bought a new deodorant yesterday.

The instructions say "Remove cap and push up bottom."  Wouldn't it be better to put it under your arms?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q93hi/i_bought_a_new_deodorant_yesterday/
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Why was the computer tired after a long journey?

It had a hard drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q9357/why_was_the_computer_tired_after_a_long_journey/
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Shania Twain just had a baby boy

She named him Choo Choo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q90kd/shania_twain_just_had_a_baby_boy/
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I stabbed twenty people in the supermarket line with thin needles.

It's a new type of therapy I'm calling "aqueuepuncture".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8zxc/i_stabbed_twenty_people_in_the_supermarket_line/
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I went to view a house on a Native American reservation.

"I like it" I said. "Does it come with running water?"
"Fuck off" He replied. "Get your own wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8yzn/i_went_to_view_a_house_on_a_native_american/
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Did you ever hear about that army from north-west France that was made up entirely of people using polearms?

Y'know. The Brittany Spears?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8xqw/did_you_ever_hear_about_that_army_from_northwest/
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My best friend said I'm overly analytical.

At least, I think he's my best friend. Judging by how he's been acting as of late though, I may in fact, be wrong. It's hard to imagine myself without him because, Jesus Christ, he's such a good guy. Honest and everything. But recently I get the impression that he's, I dunno, found people that are better than me. New friends, perhaps? If he has then that's fine, and I am not bothered. Actually, it doesn't bother me at all. Maybe I need to stop joking about his wonky tooth, the big one at the front of his mouth, saying that it looks like an upside down pyramid. Don't think he likes that. Sensitive. That's what I need to be. I need to have a heart. More of a heart, that's probably why I don't have a girlfriend. Although I did have a girlfriend three years ago. She left me. Classic! Probably because of my bad breath, I had this serious infection back then. She never told me that it was bad, though. Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent...back to my friend. So this guy, I dunno, he's a top fellow and all, but I'm not actually sure he is my best friend. What are best friends? They certainly do laugh when you take the piss out of them, at least that's what I thought. Maybe I'll tell him that I like his aftershave, because I've never told him that. Dolce and Gabanna. I think that's what he said it was? Might have been Dior, though. Or Calvin Klein. Jesus Christ, I'm useless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8vxo/my_best_friend_said_im_overly_analytical/
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What do you call a country full of lazy people?

A procrastination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8vxd/what_do_you_call_a_country_full_of_lazy_people/
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Sex with my wife is like the “England World Cup squad “

neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8v5l/sex_with_my_wife_is_like_the_england_world_cup/
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I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8uyg/i_was_bored_so_i_spent_all_day_rearranging_my/
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Bicycle jokes won't impress you

But a unicycle one wheel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8ucd/bicycle_jokes_wont_impress_you/
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My gay friend keeps bragging about how much sex he’s been getting recently.

Cocky asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8pkh/my_gay_friend_keeps_bragging_about_how_much_sex/
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Welcome to r/Jokes

100% Recycled Materials

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8pip/welcome_to_rjokes/
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I want to die peacefully like my grandfather in his sleep

And not screaming like passengers in his bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8pi4/i_want_to_die_peacefully_like_my_grandfather_in/
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police

He's now a seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8o6f/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
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2 Dinosaurs were sat on a beach watching as a ship sailed into the sunset

One dinosaur turns to the other and says "That Noah's a bit of a twat isn't he."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8lrk/2_dinosaurs_were_sat_on_a_beach_watching_as_a/
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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8iat/i_persuaded_my_girlfriend_to_smuggle_my_coke/
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Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8gvn/why_did_the_console_player_cross_the_road/
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My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me...

I guess that means I’m not actually their sun...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8fjl/my_parents_always_tell_me_their_world_doesnt/
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I failed math so many times in school

I can't even count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q8cyh/i_failed_math_so_many_times_in_school/
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Did you hear about guy who was performing unlicensed circumcisions?

He got busted after the police received a tip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7yu0/did_you_hear_about_guy_who_was_performing/
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If a girl says she'll be done in 5 minutes she'll be done in 5 minutes

No need to remind her every 30 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7v3q/if_a_girl_says_shell_be_done_in_5_minutes_shell/
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Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the crap out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7t9e/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
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How much would a pirate sell corn for?

About a buck an ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7rmy/how_much_would_a_pirate_sell_corn_for/
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A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

.
"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I can prove it  if you want me to."
"Go on then," he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them down toilet, he looked at me with a grin and said, "Well, show me your pocket then!"
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7qug/a_policeman_searched_me_in_a_nightclub_toilet/
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Diarrhea is genetic

It runs in your jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7q1m/diarrhea_is_genetic/
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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7my8/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
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My wife sent me selfie...

My wife sent me  a selfie of herself in a new pair of jeans, asking if her ass looked big in it.
I texted back "Noo..." but my damn phone auto corrected it to "Moo..."
Please send help...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7jpv/my_wife_sent_me_selfie/
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Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7gm6/dont_you_hate_it_when_you_cant_sleep_because_you/
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Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse,
And turned its wool to nylon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7fud/mary_had_a_little_lamb_it_ran_into_a_pylon/
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He's about to blow her head open.

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7f1s/hes_about_to_blow_her_head_open/
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I can count on one hand the number of times I've been in Chernobyl.

At least 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7ey9/i_can_count_on_one_hand_the_number_of_times_ive/
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They both got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7csa/did_you_hear_about_the_two_thieves_who_stole_a/
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If each letter in Ethiopia stood for a word describing the country,

The f would stand for food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7cfz/if_each_letter_in_ethiopia_stood_for_a_word/
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The teacher says "If you answer my question, you can go home."

One student throws a pen at him. The teacher asks "Who did that?"
"It was me, goodbye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7bz9/the_teacher_says_if_you_answer_my_question_you/
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Why do you never see a gay person in a wheelchair

Because you can’t be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7b1n/why_do_you_never_see_a_gay_person_in_a_wheelchair/
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If I get 15 cents for every time I failed a math test

I would have $8.12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q7ahe/if_i_get_15_cents_for_every_time_i_failed_a_math/
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If your house doesn't have house numbers on it,

You need to address that situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q79gg/if_your_house_doesnt_have_house_numbers_on_it/
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Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss",

I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q78u4/whenever_someone_says_they_did_something_like_a/
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I can watch “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” over and over.

Never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q78u0/i_can_watch_the_curious_case_of_benjamin_button/
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Life is like toilet paper.

**You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q77xd/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
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My wife asked me if I like to recycle...

"Well yeah of course. It's the only way I can get Karma!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q70yw/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_like_to_recycle/
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A man walks into a doctors office with Saran Wrap underwear and says to the doctor " I think I am going crazy"!

The doctor replies "Why yes, I can clearly see your nuts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q6y4g/a_man_walks_into_a_doctors_office_with_saran_wrap/
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I filled out an application to become a citizen of Finland and I must've been accepted almost instantly

The last button I had to click said Finish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q6q3w/i_filled_out_an_application_to_become_a_citizen/
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What does a puppy call it’s dad?

Pawpaw!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q6pgm/what_does_a_puppy_call_its_dad/
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We need someone who’s responsible

Then I am your man.
Every time something went wrong in my previous company, they said I was responsible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q6p3o/we_need_someone_whos_responsible/
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What do they call Samuel L. Jackson in Mexico?

“Samuel El Jackson”
I’m sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q6my6/what_do_they_call_samuel_l_jackson_in_mexico/
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What's an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q6ldh/whats_an_alcoholic_mexicans_favorite_book/
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How do you make a hormone?

You don’t pay her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q6gyd/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
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If you're holding a bee, what's in your eye?

Beauty, everybody knows beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q6dym/if_youre_holding_a_bee_whats_in_your_eye/
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How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Toucan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q65dx/how_many_birds_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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The Investigation into Elon Musk's False Advertising Scandal Enters the Fifth Week.

Elongate is really drawn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q62k3/the_investigation_into_elon_musks_false/
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How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q615f/how_do_farmers_party/
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What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

One makes your whole day the other makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5vp4/whats_the_difference_between_oral_sex_and_anal_sex/
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The Romans always had it easy with algebra.

X was always 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5utn/the_romans_always_had_it_easy_with_algebra/
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Why do Canadians do well in the Winter Olympics?

Because they always bring their “eh” Game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5pzg/why_do_canadians_do_well_in_the_winter_olympics/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria...

who drove trains for a living.
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5pdy/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria/
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I'll tell you what keeps me up at night

Those rumble strips on the highway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5oz9/ill_tell_you_what_keeps_me_up_at_night/
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An Icelander takes a trip to Norway but is worried because he doesn't speak the language.

His friend assures him that this shouldn't be a problem: just speak very slowly and the Norwegians will understand you perfectly fine. Once in Oslo the Icelander goes to a bar and tries to order a beer in very slow Icelandic:
"I... want... a... beer."
The bartender gives him a beer. It worked! After he finishes it, he tries to order another one. Again, very slowly:
"I... want... another... beer."
The bartender gives him another beer. Amazing! After a couple more beers, the Icelander decides to try a conversation:
"I... am... from... Iceland."
The bartender replies:
"Me…… too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5n73/an_icelander_takes_a_trip_to_norway_but_is/
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Genders are like the twin towers...

There used to be two of them but now it’s a sensitive subject.
(Courtesy of u/HUMANLEMON, Antichrist)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5ia0/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
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Remember when you wanted to watch the video your friend recorded of the concert they went to?

Me neither.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5hl9/remember_when_you_wanted_to_watch_the_video_your/
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Did you hear about the lady that backed into the propeller blade?

Disassedher.
(My grandmother told me this joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5h72/did_you_hear_about_the_lady_that_backed_into_the/
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Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?

You're only allowed one carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5f6f/why_wasnt_the_hunter_allowed_to_bring_his/
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I'm writing a script for a show called "Pun".

Pretty much, it's going to be a big Play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5e87/im_writing_a_script_for_a_show_called_pun/
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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks...

Some asshole's got my pen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5e60/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
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I was invited to a funeral at 6 AM

But I declined, because I'm really not a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5dqi/i_was_invited_to_a_funeral_at_6_am/
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I sat on the toilet, constipated, exhausted, and late for work.

I thought to myself, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5dhj/i_sat_on_the_toilet_constipated_exhausted_and/
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Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex...

He engages a lovely hooker and takes her up to his room.
He’s going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks ‘how am I doing?’
The hooker replies ‘well Norman, you old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.’
‘Three knots?’ He asks. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
She says ‘you’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re definitely knot getting your money back!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5den/norman_an_old_retired_sailor_puts_on_his_old/
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My friend met an 2 girls, one was Asian.

“What’s your number?” my friend asked the Asian girl
“Free sex, sex, free sex tonight,” she responded
My friend’s jaw dropped
The other girl responded, “that’s just her number, don’t get too excited.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5d7k/my_friend_met_an_2_girls_one_was_asian/
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I'll never forget my grandpa's last words

PUT DOWN THAT FUCKING SHOTG..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5cyh/ill_never_forget_my_grandpas_last_words/
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An original joke walks into a bar.

Bartender : Hey, welcome to /r/jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before.
Original joke: Don't worry, I'll be a regular here within a week or two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5bxo/an_original_joke_walks_into_a_bar/
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5au7/jane_and_arlene_are_outside_their_nursing_home/
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Climatologist: My findings are meaningless if taken out of context.

Media : Climatologist claims "climate findings are meaningless."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q5ap2/climatologist_my_findings_are_meaningless_if/
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“Daddy, where do scissors come from?”

“Well, two knives screw together.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q56jr/daddy_where_do_scissors_come_from/
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What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q566j/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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My German girlfriend likes to rate our anal sex on a scale of 1-3.

She kept shouting "DRY. DRY".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q54yn/my_german_girlfriend_likes_to_rate_our_anal_sex/
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All those transgender "males" offended by my quotations....

Really need to grow a pair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q52ey/all_those_transgender_males_offended_by_my/
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I hate when people ask me where I see myself in two years

I don’t have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q50e1/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_where_i_see_myself_in/
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A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.

**No joke.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4zi5/a_pun_a_play_on_words_and_a_limerick_walk_into_a/
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A doctor unnecessarily cut off a man’s leg

It was a baloney amputation
(my own original joke!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4xg8/a_doctor_unnecessarily_cut_off_a_mans_leg/
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A cannibal shows up late to a community dinner.

Everyone else is annoyed, so they give him the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4wky/a_cannibal_shows_up_late_to_a_community_dinner/
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My son asked me to tell him a dad joke..so I said sure..

Then left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4wiv/my_son_asked_me_to_tell_him_a_dad_jokeso_i_said/
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Switzerland is such a cool place.

I honestly don't know much about the country itself, but the flag is a plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4wh9/switzerland_is_such_a_cool_place/
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A dad and a son walk into the bar the kids 21st birthday.

The son is only a head however. The dad places him on the bar and asks the bartender for 2 drinks. After the son finishes the first his torso magically appears. Astonished the dad asks for another round. The sons arms appear. Again and his legs appear until the son has all his limbs. The son is so estactic that he runs around the bar for the first time in his life until he falls and hits his head and dies. The bartender turns to the father and says “he should’ve stopped while he was a head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4tok/a_dad_and_a_son_walk_into_the_bar_the_kids_21st/
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What do you say when you are out of protein?

No whey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4rsp/what_do_you_say_when_you_are_out_of_protein/
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My dad is like Santa Claus

He’s there when I’m young, but he disappears as I get older

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4qjp/my_dad_is_like_santa_claus/
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A small, plain looking guy is sitting by himself in a bar.

All evening girls walk up to his table, talk to him for a bit and then they both head out the door and come back 30 minutes later.
Another guy, getting no action at all, beckons over the bartender and asks if he knows what the guy's secret is.
"Beats me" says the bartender. "All he does is sit there licking his eyebrows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4q98/a_small_plain_looking_guy_is_sitting_by_himself/
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A lawyer saw a bunch of homeless people eating grass... He goes over and asks them why are they doing that and they tell him that they are homeless and have nothing to eat. Eager to help them out he escorts them to his mansion.. They are very happy and thankful.. He takes one look at them, smiles

And tells them "this is my yard, eat as much as you want, i won't charge you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4q4e/a_lawyer_saw_a_bunch_of_homeless_people_eating/
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Chuck Norris heard his daughter lost her virginity.

He went out and got it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4q21/chuck_norris_heard_his_daughter_lost_her_virginity/
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For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4puu/for_the_question_is_the_glass_half_empty_or_half/
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Three men die and go to heaven (long)

An angel tells them that before they go through the pearly gates, they must sit outside on a stone slab for three days.  "One rule," the angel says, "you must *never* sit on the pink puffy cloud."  The three men agree, since they obviously want to go to heaven.
On the first day, one of the men find themselves to be very uncomfortable on the stone slab.  He looks at the pink puffy cloud and decides to sit on that instead, since it is obviously more comfortable.  He sits on it, and disappears.  A few hours later, the man returns with the ugliest woman any of them had ever seen.  "Dude," says the second man, "What happened to you?"  The first man responds, "I sat on the pink puffy cloud.  *Never* sit on the pink puffy cloud."
On the second day, the second man gets very uncomfortable and decides to sit on the pink puffy cloud, sure that it would be far more comfortable than the stone.  Much like the first, he disappears and returns many hours later with an even uglier woman.  "Dude," says the third man, "what happened to you?"  The second man sighed and said, "I sat on the pink puffy cloud.  *Never* sit on the pink puffy cloud."
On the third day, the third man mysteriously vanished.  The other two assumed he had sat on the pink puffy cloud while they had slept.  As they predicted, the man soon reappeared.  However, the third man came with the most beautiful woman any of them had ever seen.  "Dude," the two men said, "What happened to you?"
The woman responded, "I sat on the pink puffy cloud.  *Never* sit on the pink puffy cloud."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4mz3/three_men_die_and_go_to_heaven_long/
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Why couldn’t the press take pictures of the fastest superhero?

No Flash photography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4mgj/why_couldnt_the_press_take_pictures_of_the/
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Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant.  While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues.  So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.  I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.  If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed paused for a while then said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4lqs/ed_and_linda_met_on_a_singles_cruise_and_ed_fell/
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I'm so annoyed at how much Microsoft tries to make me use their browser...

It's pushing me to the Edge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4iwm/im_so_annoyed_at_how_much_microsoft_tries_to_make/
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Eggs have recently been added to the endangered species list

Due to excessive poaching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4fwl/eggs_have_recently_been_added_to_the_endangered/
%
The lawyer is painting his house, and a hobo comes around and asked if he could do something or in a few dollars.

The lawyer says, "sure, take a can of paint and go around to the back of the house and paint my porch."
The hobo does this and 15 minutes later comes back and says he's finished. The lawyer says, "already?" And the hobo says," yeah, but it isn't a Porsche, it's a Mercedes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q4dz8/the_lawyer_is_painting_his_house_and_a_hobo_comes/
%
What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q463g/what_is_the_definition_of_trust/
%
I’m proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!

I’m just working on the lawyer part right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q45s2/im_proud_to_announce_my_dream_of_being_a_criminal/
%
How did the mathematician deal with constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q3zcn/how_did_the_mathematician_deal_with_constipation/
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I like my women like I like my coffee.

Hot, and available on street corners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q3w50/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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What do you say to someone who insists you do work pro bono?

Fuck U2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q3vv5/what_do_you_say_to_someone_who_insists_you_do/
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My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
That's the best I've done so far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q3sam/my_german_girlfriend_likes_to_rate_our_sex/
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What did the man who blamed his nasal congestion on the federal reserve do in response?

Sudafed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q3r1y/what_did_the_man_who_blamed_his_nasal_congestion/
%
Why did the witch doctor cross the road?

He’s got friends on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q3q2s/why_did_the_witch_doctor_cross_the_road/
%
How many babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q3mad/how_many_babies_do_you_need_to_paint_a_wall/
%
A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door. As she opens the door the salesman quickly runs inside and empties a bag full of poop on her expensive carpet.

Woman, shocked and angered, shouts "what the hell are you doing to my carpet?!?". The salesman replies "Ma'am, this is not just any ordinary vacuum cleaner. This vacuum cleaner has been engineered by top German scientists in their super high tech labs. If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up your carpet down to every single strand, I will eat all of this poop, right here right now!!"
Woman looks at the confident salesman "Would you like hot sauce or barbecue sauce?"
Salesman, bewildered, asks "Why?!?"
"because, the powers out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q3fh5/a_vacuum_cleaner_salesman_knocks_on_a_womans_door/
%
Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was a smoker...

They found a pile of butts behind his couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q397w/did_you_know_that_jeffrey_dahmer_was_a_smoker/
%
Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

If it had been invented anywhere else it would have been called the teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q37l0/did_you_know_that_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
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Organ donation has a nasty double standard when it comes to praise.

Some guy donates his kidney, he’s praised as a hero. I donate 5, and I get arrested?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q36kw/organ_donation_has_a_nasty_double_standard_when/
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb MUST really want to change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q348a/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call an erection during a funeral?

A bad case of mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q2xzg/what_do_you_call_an_erection_during_a_funeral/
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My math teacher called me average.

How mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q2qgs/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
%
There's a cheese manufacturer in Israel

It's called 'cheeses of Nazareth'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q2q18/theres_a_cheese_manufacturer_in_israel/
%
What do you get when you mix Nintendo and Japanese cars?

Super Honda Odyssey
I’m sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q2pxn/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_nintendo_and/
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Another dirty joke #03

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q2psz/another_dirty_joke_03/
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q2nwp/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
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My friend Billy had a ten foot willy, he showed it to the girl next door.

She thought it was a snake and hit it with a rake,
And now it's only 4 ft 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q2l36/my_friend_billy_had_a_ten_foot_willy_he_showed_it/
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Have you heard about the corduroy pillows?

They are really making the headlines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q2kdc/have_you_heard_about_the_corduroy_pillows/
%
I walked in on my parents having sex last night..

Had to have been the most awkward 45 minutes of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q2jmp/i_walked_in_on_my_parents_having_sex_last_night/
%
What does a ceiling fan say?

Go ceiling! You’re number 1!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q2dyh/what_does_a_ceiling_fan_say/
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A lawyer and a politician are at a hospital

A lawyer and a politician are at the hospital when a doctor runs into the room. "One of our patients is dying. He says his religion needs a lawyer and a politician to be with him before he passes."
So the three hurry to the man's room. He's in pain, but as soon as he sees them a smile comes over his face. The lawyer steps forward and asks, "Out of all the people you could have chosen as a last request, why pick us?"
"Because," the man says, " I want to die the way Jesus did. Between a liar and a thief".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q2dsg/a_lawyer_and_a_politician_are_at_a_hospital/
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I wasn’t very close to my father when he died...

Which was good because he stepped on a landmine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q2c79/i_wasnt_very_close_to_my_father_when_he_died/
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Why should you sneak in a leather coat?

Because it’s made of hide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q2ahb/why_should_you_sneak_in_a_leather_coat/
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There's a lot of things I hate

But people who steal from bakeries take the cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q28qx/theres_a_lot_of_things_i_hate/
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There was a 6 year old and a 4 year old brother. It was the 6 year olds birthday that day. They wake up in the morning and...

The 6 year old says to his younger brother “Hey, I think today is the day we start using swear words around Mom. After all I’m 6 now.”
The younger brother starts getting excited and says, “Ok! What swear words should we use?!”
The older brother replies with, “I’m going to say hell, and you’re going to say ass.”
They both agree and head downstairs to get breakfast.
The mom is in the kitchen preparing for the day and she hears her sons enter the room,  she turns to them  with a big heart warming smile and she says “Good morning! What would you guys like for breakfast? We have Cheerios or Corn Flakes.”
The 6 year old ponders for a bit and then says to his mom, “Ah what the hell, give me some corn flakes!”
The mom instantly goes into a rage and grabs the wooden spoon and proceeds to beat the older brother all the way back up to his room. She comes back downstairs all flustered and upset,  to a very frightened 4 year old. She points the spoon at him and says, “What do YOU want for breakfast?”
The younger brother stands there trembling and says “Well you can bet your ass it won’t be corn flakes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q27zv/there_was_a_6_year_old_and_a_4_year_old_brother/
%
Little Timmy asks his friend " Does your family pray before dinner?"

His friend replies  "No, my mom knows how to cook"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q27kn/little_timmy_asks_his_friend_does_your_family/
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What did the happy pebble say to the grumpy mountain?

You need an altitude change!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q256r/what_did_the_happy_pebble_say_to_the_grumpy/
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I just got diagnosed with color blindness.

I gotta say this diagnosis  came out of the orange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q24zt/i_just_got_diagnosed_with_color_blindness/
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Calvin had a mean teacher.

So when he missed a deadline for an assignment, Calvin begged for an extension.
The teacher said, “No, I’m giving you a zero, Calvin.”
Calvin replied, “You are absolutely cold.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q243v/calvin_had_a_mean_teacher/
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A book fell on my head

I only got myshelf to blame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q23w0/a_book_fell_on_my_head/
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A Man Walks Into the Neigbourhood Bar

He goes in and orders a drink for himself. He notices an attractive lady sitting by herself a couple tables away. Too attractive for someone of his own league, he thinks to himself.
Halfway through too many drinks though, he ends up plucking up enough courage and approaches her. "May I sit down", he asks.
"Sure", she responds, and they start chatting. Apparently she was as witty and good in conversation as she was attractive, and you know this is no blonde joke. Casual chat turns into drunken flirtation. It gets late and the lady asks if he would like to walk her home.
He does, and they head back to her place. They didn't waste a single moment once they were in and started going ferociously and passionately tearing each others' clothes off. She stopped him halfway and said "I have a strange request, but I promise to make it worth your while."
"You have to fuck me only with your big toe"
Now that indeed was a strange request, but the man was by now horny as a teenager without wifi and anyway what's there to lose? He agreed.
And make it worth his while she did. Hands down she pleasured him in ways he never imagined and he went home a happy man.
Later that week he goes for a medical checkup with his doctor at the usual clinic. The doctor does his usual mmms and uhuhs and finally hesitates and goes "well that's unusual".
"What? Don't leave me in suspense, Doc!"
"You have Syphilis on your big toe." said the doctor. "but don't worry, nothing we can't treat with antibiotics"
*No wonder* the lady made me fuck her with my big toe, thought the man. That's pretty decent of her actually. "Damn right that's strange", laughed the man, "I bet that's the weirdest thing you've come across in a while".
"Second weirdest actually," said the doctor, "just yesterday, a lady came in with Athletes vagina".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q23vc/a_man_walks_into_the_neigbourhood_bar/
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JFK just got elected President of Heaven.

It was a no-brainer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q22wu/jfk_just_got_elected_president_of_heaven/
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Why do sperm donations cost more than blood ones?

Because they are done by hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1zlb/why_do_sperm_donations_cost_more_than_blood_ones/
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So I went to the bank to deposit money and the teller asked for my ID.

I said
"Wait, people wanted to put money in my bank account and you stopped them?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1ywm/so_i_went_to_the_bank_to_deposit_money_and_the/
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A sadist and a masochist meet in a club.

Sadist: Hi, I'm a sadist.
Masochist: Hi, I'm a masochist. Do you want to come to my house?
Back at the masochist 's house and the masochist is tied down to the bed ready to begin.
Masochist: Whip me! Beat me! Do anything you want to me!!
Sadist: No.
[Formatting?]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1y86/a_sadist_and_a_masochist_meet_in_a_club/
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I'm homophobic.

That's why I'll never own a home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1xy3/im_homophobic/
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A mate of mine has a bank account just for buying raisins

It's a current account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1xit/a_mate_of_mine_has_a_bank_account_just_for_buying/
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Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two assholes....'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1uhr/paddy_died_in_a_fire_and_was_burnt_pretty_badly/
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My elevator has an ear infection

It must be Otistis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1u4r/my_elevator_has_an_ear_infection/
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My joke of the day

Did you hear of the quarry that went out of buiness?
It hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1u2q/my_joke_of_the_day/
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Two Melons Fall In Love

The guy says, “I love you so much, my sweet little honey dew. I don’t want to wait. Let’s run away to Vegas together.”
The girl replies, “No, baby.  I cantaloupe.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1soa/two_melons_fall_in_love/
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What's a particle physicist's favourite cocktail?

A Large Hadron Colada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1q7i/whats_a_particle_physicists_favourite_cocktail/
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In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1of7/in_breaking_news_triple_crown_winner_justify_has/
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One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow black people in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."
Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"
"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1nuy/one_day_usain_bolt_goes_into_a_country_club/
%
A boy was digging a hole in his yard

The neighbor walks up to him and asks why he's digging a hole.
And the boy says "My goldfish died."
The neighbor replied "Oh, I'm so sorry. That hole looks awfully big for a goldfish, though."
The boy turns around at the neighbor and says "Oh, I know. It's because my fish was in your cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1nge/a_boy_was_digging_a_hole_in_his_yard/
%
A plane takes off from Kennedy airport...

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude,  the captain made an announcement over the intercom "ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight 293 non-stop service from new york to LA. The weather ahead is calm so it should be a smooth and uneventful flight. So sit back and enjoy-OH MY GOD!". Silence followed that and after a few minutes the captain came back on and said "ladies and gentlemen I am so sorry if i scared you earlier, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and accidentally spilt it on my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!" At that point a passenger in coach yelled "thats nothing, you should see the back of mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1nbs/a_plane_takes_off_from_kennedy_airport/
%
I like my fish like I like my redditors...

Easily baited

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1edi/i_like_my_fish_like_i_like_my_redditors/
%
3 blondes die and go to heaven...

3 blondes die and go to heaven. Before they can pass through the pearly white gates, they must climb 100 steps, and each step has a old man with a joke. If they laugh, they get sent to hell. They get onto the first step, and the old man tells the joke. The first blonde laughs, and is sent to hell. They move on, and get to the half-way point, where the old man tells another joke. The second blonde laughs and is sent to hell. The final blonde continues up the stairs. Finally, she has to survive one more joke and then she can pass into heaven, but before he can tell the joke, she bursts out laughing. "What's funny? I haven't said anything yet!" Exclaimed the old man. The blonde wipes a tear from her eye. "No, but I just got the first one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1ca1/3_blondes_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
Women say they want a man who is funny and spontaneous

But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight in a clown costume and suddenly it's all screaming and throwing things and police helicopters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1bjl/women_say_they_want_a_man_who_is_funny_and/
%
My friends tried to convince me that I'm adopted, but there's no way I am.

I look so much like my fathers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1afd/my_friends_tried_to_convince_me_that_im_adopted/
%
A police officer sees a car speeding and pulls the man over.

When he gets to the window, he sees the driver has 5 penguins in his backseat. He asks the man why he has penguins in his car. The man replies, "These are my penguins, and they belong to me. The office says, "You need to take them back to the zoo immediately."
The next day, the officer sees the same man driving down the road. He pulls him over again and sees the penguins are in his backseat again and are all wearing sunglasses. The police officer says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"Oh... I did", the driver says, "And today I'm taking them to the beach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q1a8z/a_police_officer_sees_a_car_speeding_and_pulls/
%
I sure like that my car insurance requires a 10 character password.

I sure would hate it if someone ..... paid my car insurance?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q192d/i_sure_like_that_my_car_insurance_requires_a_10/
%
A Mormon and an Irishman were on a plane

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q16qg/a_mormon_and_an_irishman_were_on_a_plane/
%
What do you call two acids with an attitude?

An a-mean-o acid, but the sour-foul-ric acids are the worst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q16b0/what_do_you_call_two_acids_with_an_attitude/
%
Chuck Norris was shot today

The bullet is in critical condition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q12sn/chuck_norris_was_shot_today/
%
I hate singers that sing in unison.

But I wouldn't harmony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q0zwg/i_hate_singers_that_sing_in_unison/
%
Joke Telling Club

My friend told me about how he started going to a Joke Telling Club. On his first time there he was introduced and got seated by a table where everyone was sitting and telling the jokes.
A woman said aloud "219" and some people chuckled.
A man said "478" and most people around the table laughed.
Someone else yelled out "84" and again there were laughs.
This continued for a while, different numbers were yelled out, and some numbers gave very much laughter, some numbers less.
My friend, the new one there, was very confused, so they encouraged him to choose a random number and say it.
Without thinking he said some random number: "4018".
Everyone around the table burst out in wild laughter, some were rolling on the tables, some on the floor, some couldn't breathe and others' faces turned red. After a good while they had mostly calmed down and explained what it was all about.
"We have heard every joke so many times that every joke has been given a number. Throughout the time we have learned to remember what joke is behind each number."
"I get it" said my friend "so what was so funny about that number I yelled out?"
"We have never heard that one before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q0zq8/joke_telling_club/
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Looks like Trump might leave the G7...

giving the other members a reason to fly like a G6

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q0xue/looks_like_trump_might_leave_the_g7/
%
It irks me when people say I have "half baked ideas"

all my ideas happen when I'm fully baked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q0rir/it_irks_me_when_people_say_i_have_half_baked_ideas/
%
Two monks are taking a shower together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.
Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.
Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to be a statue.
When the nuns walk past him they are suprised by how life-like the statue looks. The first nun is so curious, she pulls on the monks penis.
The monk is completely suprised and drops one of the bars of soap
"Its a machine to get a bar of soap!" The second nun exclaims and also pulls the monks penis. And sure enough he drops the second bar.
But when the third nun pulls nothing happens so she tries again. This goes on for a while and the other two nuns get bored and start to walk away.
Suddenly the third nun shouts: "Hallelujah! It also has liquid soap!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q0odp/two_monks_are_taking_a_shower_together/
%
I walked past a toy store with a huge line outside.

I asked what was going on and someone mentioned a complimentary lunch, so I joined in.
Bit dissapointing though, turned out to be a free Barbie queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q0h42/i_walked_past_a_toy_store_with_a_huge_line_outside/
%
Therapist: Did you know that you have an inability to verbally express your emotions?

Me: Can’t say that I’m surprised.
Therapist: Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q0ezf/therapist_did_you_know_that_you_have_an_inability/
%
I started jacking off to my mind.

But eventually i came to my senses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q04ac/i_started_jacking_off_to_my_mind/
%
Sign Language

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.
The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8q02rw/sign_language/
%
A catholic choir is composing their own material.

“Sweet Gsus, but I think what we need here is A minor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pzzkc/a_catholic_choir_is_composing_their_own_material/
%
How would you rate a really ugly Brazilian?

1 out of 7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pzy2o/how_would_you_rate_a_really_ugly_brazilian/
%
I was walking down the street the other day when a man jumped out in front of me and yelled "BNAG!"

I thought to myself "That's bang out of order"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pzwf4/i_was_walking_down_the_street_the_other_day_when/
%
The best bet ever made

One day, a man went to his boss and said, "I bet you $2,000 that I can pee in that cup over there 30m away". The boss replied, "Deal!". The man proceeded to pee all over the floor. The boss is dancing with joy, as the secretary walks in and says "F*ck". "What?" asks the boss. "HE BET ME $400,000 THAT HE WOULD PEE ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR AND YOU'D BE HAPPY ABOUT IT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pzw61/the_best_bet_ever_made/
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What is a Dad’s favourite part of a joke?

You!
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pzvhp/what_is_a_dads_favourite_part_of_a_joke/
%
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court.

The judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
**Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pzsnh/mickey_mouse_and_minnie_mouse_were_in_divorce/
%
Which athlete was the first to take a knee?

Tonya Harding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pzslu/which_athlete_was_the_first_to_take_a_knee/
%
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is all I need.

Not all this "how did you get in my house??!!!" business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pzrhu/if_i_make_you_breakfast_in_bed_a_simple_thank_you/
%
A user interface is like a joke

If you have to explain it, it’s not that good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pzrca/a_user_interface_is_like_a_joke/
%
Who does his job only when he's fired?

A bullet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pzmng/who_does_his_job_only_when_hes_fired/
%
A farmer said to his friend, 'I love my job'

The friend, unimpressed, replied 'Why, all you do is round up sheep!'
'What did you just say to me?!'
'You herd'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pzkzq/a_farmer_said_to_his_friend_i_love_my_job/
%
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pzfuj/did_you_hear_about_the_two_thieves_who_stole_a/
%
My crush finally texted me first

"I'm updating my privacy policy to make it easier for you to understand what information I collect from you. Click here to review my updated privacy policy, effective from June 2018"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pzf84/my_crush_finally_texted_me_first/
%
What do you call a sleeping wizard?

Dumblesnore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pzdsv/what_do_you_call_a_sleeping_wizard/
%
Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons

They forgot to mention Morons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pz9hr/scientists_say_the_universe_is_made_up_of_protons/
%
I wanted to buy a telescope....

But the cost is astronomical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pz8gs/i_wanted_to_buy_a_telescope/
%
Love is like a fart

If you have to force it it’s probably shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pz834/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
The only thing I'm bad at is humility

Because I'm so good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pz5fa/the_only_thing_im_bad_at_is_humility/
%
What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pz4he/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
My friend stopped talking to me after I lost 3 of my toes to frost bite.

I didn’t know he was lack toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pz3bf/my_friend_stopped_talking_to_me_after_i_lost_3_of/
%
A woman walked into a pharmacy....

....and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist asks, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'm legally obligated to report it.  I'd lose my license, they'd throw you and I in jail. Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police."
The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pyujf/a_woman_walked_into_a_pharmacy/
%
I got kicked out of my aunt's funeral for singing a song...

It was the Pink Panther theme. Dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt dead aunt dead aunt...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pyr4u/i_got_kicked_out_of_my_aunts_funeral_for_singing/
%
Are my testicles black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pyqyy/are_my_testicles_black/
%
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pyqru/father_son_you_were_adopted/
%
What’s it called when a reptile forgets how to change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pyq7q/whats_it_called_when_a_reptile_forgets_how_to/
%
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200 and $15. She asks 'Why is the last one so cheap?'

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When we daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Reddit, I haven't seen this joke in 2 weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pypoz/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
%
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles…

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pymf9/i_accidentally_swallowed_a_handful_of_scrabble/
%
I read this whole sub-reddit twice

Without even scrolling back to the top of the page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pyki2/i_read_this_whole_subreddit_twice/
%
Arguments are like assholes

They get bigger when dicks are involved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pyi68/arguments_are_like_assholes/
%
I have ADHD.

It’s a struggle, and I can’t focus on anything for more than

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pyg1r/i_have_adhd/
%
A man gets married. Now, he has a father-in-law, a mother-in-law, a bother-in-law, a sister-in-law. And the wife?

She is the law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pyfun/a_man_gets_married_now_he_has_a_fatherinlaw_a/
%
Little Johnny's teacher

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pyfrd/little_johnnys_teacher/
%
Yo mama so fat...

that 70 Redditors had to post about Thanos having to snap twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pyfbi/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
Bill Gates opens a contest where he will buy the winner any two companies of the winner’s choosing...

Bill Gates announces that the only catch is that the two chosen companies are to be merged together.
A man eventually wins, and Bill Gates holds a special event to announce the man’s decision.
Bill Gates: Congratulations! You’ve won the highly desired contest! Many people would have done anything to win this contest. You are very lucky.
Man: I know...
Bill Gates: Now, what’s the first company I shall buy for you? You can pick any company in the world!
Man: I want BlackRock MuniHoldings Quality Fund Inc (MUS).
Bill Gates: Really? That’s interesting, but I’m not going to ask any questions. You are the winner so you decide!
Man: I just gotta feeling that its gonna be very profitable in the future! What can I say? I like to take risks!
Bill Gates: Okay, it’s your decision! Now, what is the second company I shall buy for you?
Man: I’d like to choose Georgia-Pacific.
Bill Gates: You mean the company that makes Dixie cups? Why would you want that?
Man: I just got a great feeling about this company too. Like I said, I like to take risks!
Bill Gates: Alright, it’s your decision. I’m not going to stop you! Now, you do remember the one catch, right? The two companies shall be merged together. So what will be the merger’s name?
Man: Dixie nor MUS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pycnr/bill_gates_opens_a_contest_where_he_will_buy_the/
%
What do you call a cephalopod with a gun?

A Glocktopus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pyclq/what_do_you_call_a_cephalopod_with_a_gun/
%
Why did the frozen pizza say no to weed?

It didn't want to get baked!
Just made that up moments ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pybp7/why_did_the_frozen_pizza_say_no_to_weed/
%
Why was Icarus afraid of Oedipus?

Because he was the motherfucking son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pyafu/why_was_icarus_afraid_of_oedipus/
%
Final Memories

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8py8r6/final_memories/
%
My least favorite Thanksgiving leftovers are

The relatives who don't leave until Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8py73i/my_least_favorite_thanksgiving_leftovers_are/
%
Two strangers discussing religion

So, a woman sits beside a sharply dressed man in a flight to Tokyo.
Having a lot of time to kill, the man initiates a conversation with the woman, asking her about her religion and how God created the universe, etc.
"Well, first I’ve got a question for you", said the woman.
"Cows eats grass, and their manure comes out pasty", she said.
"But horses also eats grass, and *their* manure is drier", she continued.
The man wasn’t sure where she was going with this, but he agreed with her statements.
"Finally, sheeps eat grass aswell, but their manure comes out as small pebbles."
"So my question is this; they all eat the same thing, but their feces look completely different, why is this?"
The man looked confused, but thought about her question for a second or two.
"I honestly don’t know", he answered.
To which she replied;
"So you’re expecting me to discuss some of the greatest mysteries of the universe, with someone who doesn’t know shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8py70s/two_strangers_discussing_religion/
%
Three women were returning to their Hungarian Village

When they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them.  As they watched, he stumbled and fell face down in a puddle.  When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she could recognize him.  However, his face was covered with mud and she could not tell.  So she unzipped his pants.  She remarked, "Well he's nto my husband." The second woman peered over the first woman's shoulder and agreed saying "he's definitely not your husband." Then the third woman bent over to look and exclaimed, " he's not even from the village!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8py5f1/three_women_were_returning_to_their_hungarian/
%
What's the square root of 69?

Ate something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8py3lj/whats_the_square_root_of_69/
%
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard?”

If you ask him nicely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pxzs3/how_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

With a big ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pxyef/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Did you hear about the plumber who stopped by the tea shoppe? First he couldn't find any teas he liked and then he had to help when a pipe burst in the store.

He said it was a shit tea situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pxy4s/did_you_hear_about_the_plumber_who_stopped_by_the/
%
A blonde heard that 80% of accidents happen at home.

So she moved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pxuh9/a_blonde_heard_that_80_of_accidents_happen_at_home/
%
A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?”

Mall guy: Oh sure.
Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pxpgg/a_man_walks_up_to_the_information_desk_at_a_mall/
%
What's long and hard and makes mom jump into bed?

Her day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pxnwp/whats_long_and_hard_and_makes_mom_jump_into_bed/
%
Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there’s gold in them/their hills!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pxlcl/why_did_the_nonbinary_prospector_move_west_in_1849/
%
You know you're high

when you look up and you're there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pxk27/you_know_youre_high/
%
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off! Then, I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off!

I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand!
Now, I'm afraid to pee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pxelf/this_morning_as_i_was_buttoning_my_shirt_a_button/
%
Why did the fish blush?

Because it saw the ocean’s bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pxejl/why_did_the_fish_blush/
%
A husband and wife on a hot, summer day . . .

A guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer afternoon. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for dinner.
The wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re asking me about dinner right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out for yourself.”
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where's mine??”
“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pxdbb/a_husband_and_wife_on_a_hot_summer_day/
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So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back.

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8px9no/so_i_suggested_to_my_wife_that_shed_look_sexier/
%
Apparently people are getting paid now to mention products in their social media posts

That’s as crazy as the discounts at Dave’s furniture Emporium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8px8ul/apparently_people_are_getting_paid_now_to_mention/
%
Did you all hear about the new snail racing league?

Yeah, it's called NASCARGOT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8px87f/did_you_all_hear_about_the_new_snail_racing_league/
%
Why do Egyptians never believe they’re drowning?

They’re in de Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8px81z/why_do_egyptians_never_believe_theyre_drowning/
%
Scientists discover a food proven to lower a woman's sex drive by at least 95%

This discovery has been named "Wedding Cake"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8px54m/scientists_discover_a_food_proven_to_lower_a/
%
When asked if he will accept Trump’s invitation to the White House, Triple Crown winner Justify said

“Neigh.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8px2g9/when_asked_if_he_will_accept_trumps_invitation_to/
%
A book just fell on my head!

I only have MyShelf to blame!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pwz3l/a_book_just_fell_on_my_head/
%
The story of horse and chicken (long)

Horse and chicken were the best of friends and loved to play together all day on the farm.
one day, while playing near the swamp, horse gets too rambunctious  and falls in the swamp up to his neck.  Slowly he starts to sink, and as he sinks, he starts yelling to chicken.  "chicken! chicken! quick, go get the farmer to come and save me!
hurry!!!"
Chicken runs to the farmhouse as fast as his little chicken legs could carry him and starts pounding on the door clucking for the farmer to come out and save his friend horse.
But the farmer and his wife are not home, so chicken runs around the house looking for something to save his friend with.
behind the house he finds the farmers wife's old Mercedes and a length of rope.
chicken jumps in the Mercedes and hauls chicken ass to the swamp.
chicken ties the rope to the bumper of the Mercedes and throws the other end to horse, who grabs it with his teeth and holds on tight.  Chicken then backs up the Mercedes and pulls horse out of the swamp.
Horse is forever thankful and now bonded more than ever, he and chicken continue to frolic on the farm until one day they find themselves next to the swamp again.
This time chicken falls in and immediately begins to sink.
"Help! Help! horse!  quick, go get the farmer's mercedes and pull me out!!!"   But horse doesn't run away and instead begins to walk toward the swamp.  Chicken yells, "horse what are you doing?!  go get the mercedes and pull me out!!!"
By this time, horse has his two front hoofs in the swamp and chicken is underneath him.
Horse says to chicken, "look up and grab on!"
Chicken looks up and sees his only choice of something to grab, so he does.
Horse backs up and pulls chicken out of the swamp successfully.
Now, do you want to know the moral of this story?
If you're hung like a horse you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pwxx7/the_story_of_horse_and_chicken_long/
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What do you call someone who blurts out the punchline before he finishes the

A Premature Ejokeulator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pwwep/what_do_you_call_someone_who_blurts_out_the/
%
Once upon a time there were three sisters.

Once upon a time there were three sisters aged  96, 94, 92 and they all lived together. One night the oldest sister ran a bath and put one foot in and stopped. "Was I getting in or getting out" she yelled. The 94 year old said "I'll come upstairs and see". She walked up the stairs and stopped halfway. "Was I going upstairs or coming down"?
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of tea. She shook her head and said "I sure hope I don't get as forgetful as them" and knocked on the table for good luck.
Then she said "I'll come up and help you as soon as I see who's at the door".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pwuj8/once_upon_a_time_there_were_three_sisters/
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An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview

The interviewer asked, what’s 1 + 1.
The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. “It appears that 1 + 1 is 2”.
The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says “according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2”.
The accountant takes out his book and calculator. Does a few calculations then whispers to the interviewer, “What do you want the number to be?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pwtf9/an_engineer_a_lawyer_and_an_accountant_are_at_a/
%
I went to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant yesterday....

Super cauliflower cheese, lobster was atrocious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pwqwc/i_went_to_a_mary_poppins_themed_restaurant/
%
An IT guy and his girlfriend are having phone sex

Her: “I don’t know babe, I’m not feeling it anymore.”
Him: “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pwpso/an_it_guy_and_his_girlfriend_are_having_phone_sex/
%
A man turns 100 and is intervewed

"So, after 100 years of life, what is your greatest memory?" asks the interviewer.
"Ah, Mary. The most beautiful girl in the village. She got lost in the woods. All the men gathered, we found her, we got drunk and we fucked her."
"Oook, but do you have a less pleasant memory?"
"Ah, Jimmy. The most beautiful boy in the village. He got lost in the woods. All the men gathered, we found him, we got drunk and we fucked him." the man replies.
"Alright. Then what is your worst memory?"
"Well, I got lost in the woods once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pwn7v/a_man_turns_100_and_is_intervewed/
%
Man I wish I was an American police officer.

I would kill for a holiday right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pwkf3/man_i_wish_i_was_an_american_police_officer/
%
A journalist travels to a village to interview a shepherd.

There, he finds him standing in a field, watching over a herd of white and black sheep mixed together. He greets the shepherd then begins the interview.
\-"How much fur can you get out of these sheep" \- the journalist inquires.
\-"Which ones the white sheep or the black ones?"
\-"The white ones."
\-"About 4 lbs" \- responds the shepherd.
\-"What about the black ones?"
\-"Also about 4 lbs."
The journalist is taken aback by the shepherd's answers, but proceeds with the interview nonetheless.
\-"What about the milk? How much do they produce per day?"
The shepherd asks again \- "the white ones or the black ones?"
\-"The black ones."
\-"Around 3 gallons."
\-"And the white ones?"
\-"Also around 3 gallons."
The journalist, now visibly frustrated, lashes out to the shepherd \- "So, why don't you give the answer for both types of sheep instead of dragging it out like this?!"
The shepherd calmly replies \- "Well, the white ones are mine."
"Ah," the journalist calms down a bit "..and the black ones?"
"Also mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pwjr1/a_journalist_travels_to_a_village_to_interview_a/
%
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pwijz/my_daughter_screeched_daaaaaad_you_havent/
%
Two clowns are eating a cannibal...

One clown leans over and says "I think we fucked this joke up...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pwg3r/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
%
A pony walks into a bar

Says to the bartender “Let me get one Apple martini”
bartender leans in closer and says “what?”
Pony says “one. Apple martini, please”.
Bartender asks, “something about a Bikini?”
Pony starts to get a little frustrated but manages to say a little louder now “ONE APPLE MARTINI”
Bartender said “oh! It’s hard to hear you, you’re a little horse”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pwazk/a_pony_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I remember laying in bed as a child waiting for Santa Claus to come....

Then there was always that awkward silence afterwards as he put his pants on and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pw4bp/i_remember_laying_in_bed_as_a_child_waiting_for/
%
Did you hear that the spaghetti noodle got into a car accident?

Paramedics tried to save him, but in the end, he pasta-way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pw418/did_you_hear_that_the_spaghetti_noodle_got_into_a/
%
There's something about friction man...

It really rubs me the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pw0la/theres_something_about_friction_man/
%
An environmentalist and a lumberjack are having a discussion on women.

They both are having a tough time talking to women, so they decide to offer each other advice.
Environmentalist: "So what's your best pickup line?"
Lumberjack: "It's more of a steel cable I tie to my truck to haul logs"
Environmentalist: "No I mean what do you first say to them?"
Lumberjack: "I don't know. What's your icebreaker?"
Environmentalist: "I find the best icebreaker is global warming"
Lumberjack: "We're both screwed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pw01j/an_environmentalist_and_a_lumberjack_are_having_a/
%
I showed my Dad my report card ...

Dad: i don't like this report card.
Me: okay
Dad: I want more A's.
Me: Okaaaaaay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvyx9/i_showed_my_dad_my_report_card/
%
What does your first car and anal sex have in common?

You dont really want it but your step dad gives it to you anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvvgm/what_does_your_first_car_and_anal_sex_have_in/
%
I like my women like I like my trucks

With warning signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvtge/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_trucks/
%
I searched for the meaning of impotent on the internet today...

...but nothing came up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvs4t/i_searched_for_the_meaning_of_impotent_on_the/
%
John and Mark were high school friends

They meet on the street after not seeing each other for a few years.
John: Mark, my buddy! How have you been??
Mark: Not too stellar, but nevermind that, you look glowing! What happened?
John: (excitedly) I bought an elephant!
Mark: And what's so great about an elephant?
John: Well, you know the 5 cars I have? The elephant washes them with his trunk, it's so convenient. And do you know my wife's huge garden? The elephant also waters it, my wife is so happy! It even entertains the kids!
Mark: Wow, John, that sounds amazing. (hesitant pause) You know, John.. I also have a few cars.. my wife also has a pretty big garden.. and I have 4 kids.. Couldn't you possibly sell me that elephant?
John: Mark, you know you're my buddy, but I couldn't do that
Mark: Come on, please! I'll pay you double for it! I really want that elephant
John reluctantly agrees and sells Mark the elephant. They meet again after about two weeks. John seems as serene as before, Mark has a defeated desperate look on his face.
John: Woah, what's up with you? Isn't the elephant making you happy?
Mark: He stomped on my cars and rendered them useless, he destroyed my wife's garden and my kids are constantly crying! This elephant is terrible!
John: Ohh, Mark, you'll never sell it with that attitude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvs3i/john_and_mark_were_high_school_friends/
%
In Canada if everyone was turned into walking letters

U would be their favourite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvrbc/in_canada_if_everyone_was_turned_into_walking/
%
Star Wars fans don't smoke cigarettes after sex...

They chew 'bacca

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvou0/star_wars_fans_dont_smoke_cigarettes_after_sex/
%
Recently scientists discovered a new species of a bat whose sperm is extremely poisonous

They named it Mortal Cum Bat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvn5d/recently_scientists_discovered_a_new_species_of_a/
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ON THE ROAD TOO LONG

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvkmd/on_the_road_too_long/
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What's a Star Wars fan's favorite sex position?

Hand Solo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvivs/whats_a_star_wars_fans_favorite_sex_position/
%
Before computers, we did Boolean algebra by hand. Everyone hated it.

It was all Boole sheet work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvivi/before_computers_we_did_boolean_algebra_by_hand/
%
Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvimp/did_you_know_you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by/
%
I got a cheap circumcision when I was young.

It was a rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvhd8/i_got_a_cheap_circumcision_when_i_was_young/
%
I had to take a job manufacturing double-ended dildos...

I'm just trying to make ends meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvhbf/i_had_to_take_a_job_manufacturing_doubleended/
%
What do you call an Italian neighborhood full of crime, tomato sauce, prostitution and meatballs?

The spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvh38/what_do_you_call_an_italian_neighborhood_full_of/
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[Long] An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. He was unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, so he did the best he could to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note saying:
DEAREST WIFE,
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
YOUR LOVING HUSBAND
P.S. IT SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pve04/long_an_illinois_man_left_the_snowfilled_streets/
%
Adam and Eve

It's the evening of the sixth day of creation. Adam and Eve are hanging out in the Garden of Eden having a grand time when God comes in, carrying a sack. God tells them "There's just a couple things left to take care of to wrap things up". God opens the sack, looks in and says, " first, we have the ability to pee standing up". Adam immediately jumps up, very excited, "oohh pick me, pick me!"
Eve looks at God and shrugs, "ok, it seems really important to him".
Poof!. "There ya go Adam."
God goes back into the sack, "Well Eve, I guess that leaves multiple orgasms for you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvd8g/adam_and_eve/
%
If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

A fire staff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pvczo/if_trump_played_dnd_what_weapon_would_he_use/
%
Poop jokes aren't my favorite.

But they're a solid number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pv9t9/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite/
%
Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pv9jj/starting_this_thursday_some_movie_theaters_will/
%
Two brother sit under the christmas tree....

One gets dozens of presents. He opens one after another, a tablet, a drone, a bike and plenty other things.
The other only gets one present with his name on it: a matchbox car.
The one boy with all the presents maliciously asks: guess whom they like more!
The other, calmly playing with the matchbox car, asks back: guess who got cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pv9h5/two_brother_sit_under_the_christmas_tree/
%
You know you're ugly when...

You get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pv86m/you_know_youre_ugly_when/
%
What do you call a sick eagle?

ILLEAGLE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pv55s/what_do_you_call_a_sick_eagle/
%
When you're cold, just stand in the corner.

It's usually around 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pv1sc/when_youre_cold_just_stand_in_the_corner/
%
How do you talk to dead Italians?

With a Luigi board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8puzal/how_do_you_talk_to_dead_italians/
%
If a jazz artist went to prison and found god...

Would that make him a felonious monk?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8puymk/if_a_jazz_artist_went_to_prison_and_found_god/
%
What’s brown and rhymes with ‘snoop’?

Dr. Dre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8putx9/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Why do deaf people make such good workers?

Because they're never ear-response-able.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pusgx/why_do_deaf_people_make_such_good_workers/
%
I felt betrayed when my girlfriend joined a softball league without telling me

Of all the underhanded things...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8puppd/i_felt_betrayed_when_my_girlfriend_joined_a/
%
How do you make a joke into a dad joke

Make the punchline apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pupgj/how_do_you_make_a_joke_into_a_dad_joke/
%
As an Englishman you can walk around and say, "jizz", to everyone instead of" "thanks".

They all think you're saying, "cheers".
Give it a go!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8puo52/as_an_englishman_you_can_walk_around_and_say_jizz/
%
What do you call a gynecologist who’s good at their job?

A vagician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pugj6/what_do_you_call_a_gynecologist_whos_good_at/
%
Lots of people hit their heads at the geese bar.

More should duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pufmj/lots_of_people_hit_their_heads_at_the_geese_bar/
%
My Southern friends are like "K"s

they're alright when they are by themselves, but get 3 of 'em together and it gets pretty racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8puc7n/my_southern_friends_are_like_ks/
%
Why did America remove the U from colour?

because fuck u thats why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pub28/why_did_america_remove_the_u_from_colour/
%
I was raised as an only child,

which really annoyed my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pua1j/i_was_raised_as_an_only_child/
%
What did the bodybuilder say when he ran out of protein powder?

No whey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pu97l/what_did_the_bodybuilder_say_when_he_ran_out_of/
%
A termite walked into a bar and asked

Is the bar tender here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pu8vc/a_termite_walked_into_a_bar_and_asked/
%
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pu7gw/what_do_you_call_100_rabbits_walking_backwards/
%
I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.

I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pu7c4/i_rang_the_wife_last_night_after_work_to_say_id/
%
My uncle died yesterday because we didn’t know what blood type he was...

He kept saying B positive, but it’ll be really hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pu7bx/my_uncle_died_yesterday_because_we_didnt_know/
%
How do you find out if a girl is ticklish?

You give her two test-tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pu3pl/how_do_you_find_out_if_a_girl_is_ticklish/
%
A communist walks into a bar

He orders nothing, and instead just sits down at the bar and begins reading a newspaper.
“What’ll it be?” Asked the bartender.
“Nothing.” Replied the communist, his face concealed behind the newspaper.
“You don’t want anything?” Said the bartender.
“No!” Replied the communist.
“Look,” said the bartender “you can’t just sit at the bar and read without ordering anything. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“Do you know who I am?” Asked the communist, as he slowly lowered the newspaper, revealing combed back black and grey hair, a large, bushy mustache, and a neatly kept Officer uniform with two gold stars pinned to the left breast.
The bartender stepped back, shocked. “Well now you’re just Stalin!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ptzg3/a_communist_walks_into_a_bar/
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If Sarah Jessica Parker Dies...

And people continue making jokes about her, are they beating a dead horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ptz8f/if_sarah_jessica_parker_dies/
%
I was trying to make my chiropractor laugh yesterday..

But he was the one cracking me up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ptyd2/i_was_trying_to_make_my_chiropractor_laugh/
%
Mr. Rogers had a 9 step guide to talking to Children. I have 1 Step.

Step 1 - Don't Talk to Children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ptwbt/mr_rogers_had_a_9_step_guide_to_talking_to/
%
How do you call a walking stick from the USA?

Americane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ptuj4/how_do_you_call_a_walking_stick_from_the_usa/
%
What do you call a German Shepherd in a U-boat?

A sub woofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ptr7d/what_do_you_call_a_german_shepherd_in_a_uboat/
%
What did the Jewish Santa say when going down the chimney?

Hey kids! Wanna buy some presents?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ptplt/what_did_the_jewish_santa_say_when_going_down_the/
%
I think I've been hacked by Russia



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ptp8s/i_think_ive_been_hacked_by_russia/
%
It bombs

What happens when you tell a joke backwards?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pto91/it_bombs/
%
A pilot finds a solution

A man in his early 60’s has been a pilot for over 30 years. Between his flights, he usually enjoys a warm cup of coffee while reading the newspaper.
One day, as he is reading the news, he stumbles across an article that immediately catches his attention. The headline of the article says:
# 1 in 100 flights have an active bomb onboard.
The pilot, obviously shocked by these figures, decides that he has to find a solution to this problem. He informs the security guards about this issue, asking them to double-check every luggage until he has found a solution. The guards assure him that no bomb could ever make it on his plane, but the pilot is unwavering. The rest of his day, the man spends in fear, thinking: “There might be a bomb on this plane. What do I do?”
When he finally gets home from work, he immediately starts plotting for a solution that will make his job safe again. A lot of possible fixes come to his mind, yet he is still unsatisfied. When after 4 hours of pondering, he thinks to have found the ultimate solution, he can finally go to sleep.
The next day, as he is walking over to his plane again, he gets stopped by a security guard. The guard asks the pilot: “Are you aware that there is an active bomb inside your baggage?”
The pilot calmly responds: “Yes, I know that. In fact, I put it there myself.”
The guard, infuriated by his respons, screams:“What were you thinking?! Do you have any idea how dangerous that is? What could possibly be the reason you did something this stupid?”
“Well, remember how yesterday I told you about this news-article which stated that 1 in 100 planes carry a live bomb? This is obviously a risk I am not willing to take, so I decided that from now on I am going to bring my own bomb,” the pilot answers.
“How does that solve anything?” asks the guard, even more confused than before.
“Isn’t it obvious?” the pilot replies. “The article stated that there is a 1% chance for *one* bomb on a plane. But, what are the odds that there are *two* bombs on the *same* flight?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pto7c/a_pilot_finds_a_solution/
%
My lesbian neighbors got me a rolex for my birthday.

I guess they didn’t realize what I meant when I said “I wanna watch”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ptndx/my_lesbian_neighbors_got_me_a_rolex_for_my/
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An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.

The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:
“Where were you on the night of October to April?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ptikg/an_alaskan_was_on_trial_in_anchorage/
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When I met your Mom I was extremely attracted to her because

that's how large object gravitational fields work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pti2b/when_i_met_your_mom_i_was_extremely_attracted_to/
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I think I promised my wife I'd have 2 drinks and be home by 8

I always get those two mixed up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ptgcm/i_think_i_promised_my_wife_id_have_2_drinks_and/
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Why don’t liberals like dentists?

Because dentists make teeth straight and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pt7s3/why_dont_liberals_like_dentists/
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I've just bought a thesaurus but all the pages are blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pt5vp/ive_just_bought_a_thesaurus_but_all_the_pages_are/
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A school boy was in the toilets with his best mate seeing who could piss the highest up the wall when the teacher walked in...

She hit the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pt3p6/a_school_boy_was_in_the_toilets_with_his_best/
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What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pt3bu/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
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A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like

So I told him, "C4 yourself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pt38f/a_guy_was_wondering_what_being_a_suicide_bomber/
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A Lady walks into a bar..

She orders a drink and notices a frog in a cage behind the bar. She asks the bartender about it and the bartender says it performs oral sex on women.
The woman had a few more drinks and her curiosity gets the best of her so she asks the bartender to have the frog go down on her.
She gets up on the bar in the appropriate position and the bartender puts the frog there and tells it to do its thing.
The frog just sits there.
The bartender moves the frog to the side and says, “I’m only going to show you this one more time!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pt21x/a_lady_walks_into_a_bar/
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I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking Valium to calm my nerves.

So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pt0ml/ive_been_very_anxious_about_being_mugged_while_on/
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Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

Because it's two-tired..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8psy1j/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
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So apparently the new fashion trend of the day is to stick chewed gum in your hair

It's a unique look but it's hard to pull off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8psxm9/so_apparently_the_new_fashion_trend_of_the_day_is/
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Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him?

Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8psx4p/hear_the_one_about_the_bald_guy_getting_bumped_to/
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My Grandmaster Friend is getting married to his Slav girlfriend tomorrow

He found his Czech mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8psw8s/my_grandmaster_friend_is_getting_married_to_his/
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I can't put anymore toppings on my pizza...

There's not mushroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8psvxs/i_cant_put_anymore_toppings_on_my_pizza/
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"Can you tell me an anagram of 'rootworm'?" asked my teacher.

I said, "Tomorrow."
He said, "Too bad, I want one right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8psrqj/can_you_tell_me_an_anagram_of_rootworm_asked_my/
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How many introverts it takes to screw a lightbulb?

Why does everything has to be a group task?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8psp8o/how_many_introverts_it_takes_to_screw_a_lightbulb/
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How do you confuse a gay person?

Seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8psmr1/how_do_you_confuse_a_gay_person/
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The worst part about breaking up with my Japanese girlfriend?

Having to drop the bomb twice for her to get the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8psgia/the_worst_part_about_breaking_up_with_my_japanese/
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I like my redditors like I like my fish

Easily baited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8psga7/i_like_my_redditors_like_i_like_my_fish/
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I rang Seaworld the other day.

A lady answered the phone and said "This call may be recorded for training porpoises"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8psf6b/i_rang_seaworld_the_other_day/
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What's Snoop Dogg's favourite weapon?

A blunt weapon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pscmi/whats_snoop_doggs_favourite_weapon/
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EA have announced that FIFA 19 will have a Battle Royale mode

They will be introducing the $50 'Sergio Ramos' pack with release, which will allow players to break the rules without punishment to win games.
^^^^FUCK ^^^^RAMOS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8psbhp/ea_have_announced_that_fifa_19_will_have_a_battle/
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A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8psal2/a_man_filed_a_report_to_the_police_that_his_bag/
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Life is funny sometimes.

One day you're laying next to the woman you love, the next your wife finds out about the affair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8psaaa/life_is_funny_sometimes/
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It’s my dream to open a dentist office/manicure salon

I’m fighting tooth and nail to make it happen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ps5qd/its_my_dream_to_open_a_dentist_officemanicure/
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Have you played BLIND SNIPER yet?

No?
You don't know what you're missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ps50o/have_you_played_blind_sniper_yet/
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Why did princes Diana cross the street?

she wasn't wearing a seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ps4zp/why_did_princes_diana_cross_the_street/
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Bartender: We don’t serve time travellers in here...

Cannibal: Damn it! Just regular people then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ps1ru/bartender_we_dont_serve_time_travellers_in_here/
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Why do prison guards use proactive?

To prevent breakouts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ps1bo/why_do_prison_guards_use_proactive/
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I quit my first job as a bartender in a strip club

Because I hated working hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ps053/i_quit_my_first_job_as_a_bartender_in_a_strip_club/
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My dad died peacefully in his sleep yesterday.......

Not like all the passengers on his bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8prz7m/my_dad_died_peacefully_in_his_sleep_yesterday/
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My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8prxtx/my_grandfather_died_because_the_medical_report/
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Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8prxl5/do_you_remember_when_you_were_a_kid_and_whenever/
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I found myself stuck with the letters ‘D’ and ‘O’ at the end of a game of scrabble.

I had to try and make do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8prwi9/i_found_myself_stuck_with_the_letters_d_and_o_at/
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What is the preferred method of birth control in Wakanda?

Wakandams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8prnvj/what_is_the_preferred_method_of_birth_control_in/
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A blind man

Blind man "An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8priq7/a_blind_man/
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The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8prio2/the_police_arrested_two_suspicious_men_in_a_car/
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I took a trip to South Africa and met a Khoisan woman.

We really clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8prdq0/i_took_a_trip_to_south_africa_and_met_a_khoisan/
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pravs/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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Kindness is dead.Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind man.

Today I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pra8t/kindness_is_deadyesterday_i_gave_up_my_seat_on/
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angina. you know what that word sounds like?

chest pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pra4d/angina_you_know_what_that_word_sounds_like/
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What do you call an imaginary color?

A pigment of your imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pr98f/what_do_you_call_an_imaginary_color/
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I broke my finger last week..

On the other hand, I’m okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pr8z1/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
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When does a regular joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pr26x/when_does_a_regular_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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My body-building Italian uncle died....

He pasta whey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pr0q4/my_bodybuilding_italian_uncle_died/
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An American dog, Polish dog and a Russian dog were discussing things so the American dog tells them that if you bark long enough, people will give you meat. The Polish dog asks "what's meat?"

The Russian dog asked "what's bark...??!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pr0n5/an_american_dog_polish_dog_and_a_russian_dog_were/
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A politician dies,

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears...
And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep...
And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pqzkw/a_politician_dies/
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Once Apon a time, the Chief samurai of the land was sick, and needed to chose his successor

Only three people singled up. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish samurai.
The Japanese Samurai went first. He opened a box with a fly in it. With one swipe of his blade, the fly fell done, cut in two.
The Chinese Samurai went next. He opened another box with a fly in it. With two swipes of his blade, the fly fell down, cut in four.
Lastly, the Jewish samurai went. He opened the last box with a fly in it. He swiped once, but the fly still flew.
“What was that? The fly is still alive”
“Of course! The purpose of circumcision is not to kill...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pqxme/once_apon_a_time_the_chief_samurai_of_the_land/
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A wife tells her husband that she's discovered his secret fetish via his search history...

"It was a weird one for sure," she says, "but I think I can make it work without being too embarrassed, as long as you don't film it." He accepts.
Later that night, he asks her if she wants to try it. She smiles, begins to undress, and goes "SKIPPITY BEE BOP BEE BOP DUP-A DUAAA"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pqui5/a_wife_tells_her_husband_that_shes_discovered_his/
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Do you uye like Civil War jokes?

I find them General Lee funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pqn6v/do_you_uye_like_civil_war_jokes/
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What do you call a veterinarian who specialises in only one species?

A Doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pqmfb/what_do_you_call_a_veterinarian_who_specialises/
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What do you call a grizzly bear without teeth?

A gummy bear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pqgwo/what_do_you_call_a_grizzly_bear_without_teeth/
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What did the left ball say to the right ball?

Don't worry about the asshole behind us, we work for the prick in front.
This was my grandfather's favorite joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pqgnk/what_did_the_left_ball_say_to_the_right_ball/
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Art Collector

An attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $5-10 million. I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pqfy2/art_collector/
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The Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pqeix/the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
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Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?

You don’t know what you’re missing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pqchf/have_you_ever_tried_blindfolded_archery/
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What did the farmer call his cow that didn’t produce milk?

An Udder Failure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pq5wh/what_did_the_farmer_call_his_cow_that_didnt/
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My mate's shagging twins

So, my mate is shagging twins who both like it in the ass. I asked how he tells them apart? "That's easy", he said "Sally's the one with the massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy balls"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pq4y0/my_mates_shagging_twins/
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how to spot a blind person in a nude beach?

it's not hard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pq48o/how_to_spot_a_blind_person_in_a_nude_beach/
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Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?

Swarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pq3ly/why_do_bees_stay_in_the_hive_in_the_winter/
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Never study Gynecology

The homework is a real bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ppzbe/never_study_gynecology/
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Three tortoises go on a picnic...

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ppsn1/three_tortoises_go_on_a_picnic/
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I hosted an Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting

Nobody came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ppql5/i_hosted_an_erectile_dysfunction_anonymous_meeting/
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This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ppmre/this_morning_i_was_beaten_up_by_a_busty_woman_in/
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Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to go to hell...

..in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ppmjc/diplomacy_is_the_ability_to_tell_someone_to_go_to/
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I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking.

It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pplz7/i_was_sitting_on_the_toilet_when_the_guy_in_the/
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A panda walks into a bar

He orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!” The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pplx4/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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My Client Is Not Guilty.

Lawyer: My Client Is Trapped In A Penny
Judge: What Do You Mean?
Lawyer: He's In A Cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pphf1/my_client_is_not_guilty/
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How do you know it’s time for a new pair of shoes?

The homeless guy gives you back change for your dollar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pph7q/how_do_you_know_its_time_for_a_new_pair_of_shoes/
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What’s a pirates favorite letter?

You may think it’s “R”, but his true love be the “C”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ppg67/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ppf53/i_collected_a_lot_of_data_trying_to_disprove/
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A one-legged man goes to a beer bar

Bartender asks "What'll you have?"
He replies "Something hoppy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pox0g/a_onelegged_man_goes_to_a_beer_bar/
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Hot air balloon

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You're a technician right?" asked the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "for one, everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk. For another\-\-"
The man below interrupted, "You must be in management. You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!"
"You must be unemployed." said the balloonist. The man below confusedly asked, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the balloonist replied, "It's because I'm your fucking boss Sarah you blind ass cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8poupb/hot_air_balloon/
%
Two best friends, Bill and Fred want to get pissed

Bill and Fred want to get drunk but they only have 50 pence between them, Bill goes into a shop and buys a single sausage, Fred, confused and annoyed has a go at Bill
"You spent all our money on a bloody sausage, Now we can't even afford a single drink!"
Bill taps his nose and leads Fred into a nearby pub, they order two drinks, without paying, they down the pints.
Bill gets up and undoes his fly, he pokes the sausage through his zipper and tells Fred to get on his knees and start sucking it, So Fred does this. The bartender, furious, kicks them both out onto the street.
10 pubs later and 10 pints later Bill and Fred are hammered, Fred says
"I don't know if I can keep going, I'm hammared and my knees are starting to hurt"
Bill looks at him and says
"How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage two pubs back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8poub7/two_best_friends_bill_and_fred_want_to_get_pissed/
%
Found the secrect to destroying a girls arse on the first date

Take em cycling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8posn5/found_the_secrect_to_destroying_a_girls_arse_on/
%
A young manager was finishing up late at work

When he was leaving there was only one other person in the office.
He noticed it was the owner of the company standing by a Shredder with a sheet of paper looking confused.
He approached him and asked if he was alright.
The owner said "my secretary has gone home and she always does these things for me", and asked "do you know how to work this machine".
The manager said "yes", turned on the Shredder and stuck the sheet in and said "all done".
The owner said "brilliant, now I need three more copies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pono9/a_young_manager_was_finishing_up_late_at_work/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pog4m/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
You know what really gets my goat?

Chupacabras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8poffc/you_know_what_really_gets_my_goat/
%
For sale: French Rifle

Condition:  never fired, dropped once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8poccy/for_sale_french_rifle/
%
Babe, are you a car alarm?

Because you're loud, annoying as fuck and I accidentally turn you on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8poay1/babe_are_you_a_car_alarm/
%
I married a real trophy wife...

The names of the previous winners are all tattooed on her ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8poafw/i_married_a_real_trophy_wife/
%
TIFU traveling through time...

Obligatory this didn't happen today but three weeks from now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8po890/tifu_traveling_through_time/
%
What's Chewbacca's favorite beer?

Milwookie's Best

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8po7l4/whats_chewbaccas_favorite_beer/
%
Why do cows wear bells?

Their horns don't work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8po5bu/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
%
I always wanted to be an abstract painter.

I won't go into detail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8po1ko/i_always_wanted_to_be_an_abstract_painter/
%
My family is putting an electrical plug in our elm tree.

They were going to put it in the bushes, but I convinced them that a tree-prong outlet would be better for the ground.
---------
"Tree-prong outlet" stolen from an engineer I was talking to today, but joke format is all mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pnzri/my_family_is_putting_an_electrical_plug_in_our/
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8621. If this makes it to the front page, odds are it’s someone’s ATM PIN.

Crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pnzac/8621_if_this_makes_it_to_the_front_page_odds_are/
%
Watched the film "Scarface" last night.

Quite a misleading title, I mean the bloke knew fuck all about scarfs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pnykq/watched_the_film_scarface_last_night/
%
I was staying in a hotel last night.

I phoned down to reception. “Hi, this is room 26 Can I have a wake up call, please?” She said “Yes, you’re in your mid 30s, Single, live with your mother and have achieved nothing in life!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pny7g/i_was_staying_in_a_hotel_last_night/
%
The difference between technically and reality

One day, a little boy asks his father what the difference is between 'technically' and 'reality'.
"Son, to help you out, I'll give you something to do. Go ask both your mother and sister if they would sleep with the neighbour for $500,000".
The little boy goes up to ask them then comes back to his father after a little while.
"Dad, Dad! Mom and sis both said they would. What does that mean?"
"Well, son," the father says. "Technically, we're millionares but in reality we live with a couple of dirty whores!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pnxmb/the_difference_between_technically_and_reality/
%
I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house

I am home, but he was Homer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pnvht/i_realize_the_writer_of_the_iliad_and_the_odyssey/
%
I’m hosting a charity event for people who are unable to orgasm.

If you can’t come let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pnuc1/im_hosting_a_charity_event_for_people_who_are/
%
Growing up my mom was always like, "Why can't you be more like the kids next door!"

And I always responded, "But we live next to an abortion clinic?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pntk1/growing_up_my_mom_was_always_like_why_cant_you_be/
%
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pntia/on_my_first_day_in_prison_my_cellmate_said_to_me/
%
What do you do after you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pnqhb/what_do_you_do_after_you_eat_aluminum_foil/
%
A panda walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he knew any prostitute around so he points to this lady sitting afar so he goes over and talks to her and both of them head to a motel... After they finish she asks him

"Arent you going to pay me?" The panda was surprised and asked her why... She told him to look up prostitute and it clearly said (has sex in exchange for money) the panda laughed and told her to look up panda and it said "eats bush and leaves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pnohs/a_panda_walks_in_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender_if/
%
A Welsh man goes for an eye test.

Doctor: Can you read this chart from top to bottom please.
Welshman: Read it!? I know the guy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pni05/a_welsh_man_goes_for_an_eye_test/
%
I am hosting an annual meeting with people who can't ejaculate.

Please inform us if you cannot come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pneef/i_am_hosting_an_annual_meeting_with_people_who/
%
A man was standing in front of his bathroom mirror shaving

His young son came in the room and said: "Dad, when I grow up I want to be just like you!"
The man puffed up his chest proudly and asked: "Why's that son?"
His son replied: "So I can have a son just like me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pnbbb/a_man_was_standing_in_front_of_his_bathroom/
%
Why did 10 die?

He was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pnb8v/why_did_10_die/
%
I posted myself drawing a perfect freehand ellipse on r/gifs. Everyone loved it and started trying themselves. We were all complimenting each others steady hands, when one guy commented, "circle jerk!".

"What an idiot", I thought and replied, "oval, you moron!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pnal2/i_posted_myself_drawing_a_perfect_freehand/
%
Paige finishes writing her biology dissertation and hands it in to the lecturer the following day.

He quickly flicks through it and realises something is missing.
"Where's your appendix page?"
"Easy", she says, and points to her lower abdomen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pn9gp/paige_finishes_writing_her_biology_dissertation/
%
Just Found out that my Girlfriend’s Deaf after 2 Years

I really should’ve seen the Signs sooner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pn6ei/just_found_out_that_my_girlfriends_deaf_after_2/
%
One day a travelling salesman was driving around Appalachia and decided to stay the night in a farmhouse.

After enjoying a fine meal with the farmer, the salesman turned to him and said, "What is it like for hiring a companion for the evening?"
"Well," replied the farmer, "I'm afraid there are not many women around these parts. But there's always Cletus........."
"Oh?" said the salesman, intrigued, "How much does he charge then?"
"It will cost you $100." replied the farmer.
The salesman thought for a minute then said, "That's a bit expensive!"
"Well," said the farmer, "the local judge takes out $40 because he doesn't approve of those kind of things."
"Oh," answered the man, "so that's $40 for the magistrate and $60 for Cletus."
The farmer shook his head, "No, the local sheriff also takes $40 because he doesn't approve of those kind of things!"
"Jesus," replied the salesman, "So the judge gets $40, the cop gets $40 that only leaves $20 for Cletus!
Thats no way to make a living!"
The farmer shook his head again and said, "No - We pay Bubba and Larry $10 each to hold Cletus down, because he doesn't approve of that sort of thing either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pn4z5/one_day_a_travelling_salesman_was_driving_around/
%
The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.
(I do apologize for this.  I happen to hear someone pronounce this word rather frequently and this is what I keep imagining they are meaning, along with some deposits of sass, pageantry and frills.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pn4pp/the_latest_report_from_mars_indicates_the/
%
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pn3df/condoms_do_not_guarantee_safe_sex/
%
what is Thanos favorite song?

Another One Bites the Dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pmx7v/what_is_thanos_favorite_song/
%
Three mice walk into a bar...

After a few drinks, they get into a heated argument about how tough they are.
The first mouse says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. Then, I catch the bar with my teeth and bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite. Only then do I make off with the cheese!”
The second mouse says, “Oh yeah? Well, whenever I see rat poison, I take it all and grind it into powder. Then when morning comes, I use it to flavor my coffee! It helps me get a nice buzz going for the rest of the day!”
The third mouse, checking his watch, sighs, stands up and says “I’ve gotta go. I have a date with a cat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pmwdd/three_mice_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I'm giving away a broken puppet.

No strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pmsu9/im_giving_away_a_broken_puppet/
%
A criminal was pushed on to the ground

he *felon* his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pms1k/a_criminal_was_pushed_on_to_the_ground/
%
I was offered a job building Egyptian tombs

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pmoiu/i_was_offered_a_job_building_egyptian_tombs/
%
The guys are trapped on an island.....

Jim, Chris, and Joe are trapped on an island with no food or shelter. They come across a hut and inside is a wizard who says “I will teleport you guys off of this island but first, each of you must bring 10 of the same fruit to my hut in an hour.”
So Jim is the first person back with some fruit, and he has brought 10 apples. The wizard says that if Jim can stick all 10 apples up his ass without making a sound, then the wizard will get him off of the island. However, if he makes a sound, the wizard will take his life. Jim starts sticking the apples up his ass and halfway through with the second apple, he yells out in pain, so the wizard kills him.
Next, Chris comes with 10 grapes. The wizard says that if Chris can stick all 10 grapes up his ass without making a sound, then the wizard will get him off of the island. However, if he makes a sound, the wizard will take his life. Chris is doing an admirable job, and gets 9 grapes up his ass without making a sound. However, before he can put in the 10th grape, Chris busts up laughing. Because of this, the wizard kills him.
In Heaven, Jim is incredibly upset with Chris.
“You were so close! Why couldn’t you have kept silent for one more grape?”
Chris replies, “I couldn’t help myself. I saw Joe coming with a bunch of pineapples.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pmm0f/the_guys_are_trapped_on_an_island/
%
Found out today that the sun is around 26% helium.

That must be why it’s so light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pmlwe/found_out_today_that_the_sun_is_around_26_helium/
%
What Do you Call A Midget Mexican?

Paragraph, because he is too short to be an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pmkq1/what_do_you_call_a_midget_mexican/
%
What’s the worst part about being locked out of your car outside and abortion clinic?

Having to go inside to ask for a coat hanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pmi98/whats_the_worst_part_about_being_locked_out_of/
%
Whoever was strong and brave enough to kill Hitler must’ve been a true hero!

...Wait a second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pmeqt/whoever_was_strong_and_brave_enough_to_kill/
%
Doctor: “Your DNA results came in backwards”

Me: “AND??”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pm6vo/doctor_your_dna_results_came_in_backwards/
%
Me and my best friend went to the local supermarket...

He started to throw the milk and cheese all over the aisle. I thought, how dairy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pm4xt/me_and_my_best_friend_went_to_the_local/
%
Curiosity just found organic molecules preserved in rock on Mars.

Big deal, if you  go to my room right now you can find organic molecules preserved in a sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pm4e5/curiosity_just_found_organic_molecules_preserved/
%
John was unable to choose between 2 girls

, so he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pm1ej/john_was_unable_to_choose_between_2_girls/
%
I visited ford's theater on vacation

Is it wrong that I got a Lincoln shot glass from the gift shop?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8plwk8/i_visited_fords_theater_on_vacation/
%
What do you call it when a short person waves at you?

A microwave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8plqun/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_short_person_waves_at/
%
You can buy USB-powered taillights...

I guess they’re for safely backing up your computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8plqiq/you_can_buy_usbpowered_taillights/
%
What do you call it when a newlywed foot fetishist cheats on their spouse?

Getting off on the wrong foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8plq86/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_newlywed_foot/
%
What's the difference between a hockey puck made of Styrofoam and bestiality?

One of them is a phony puck...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pln7p/whats_the_difference_between_a_hockey_puck_made/
%
What’s the square root of 69?

Eight somethin’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8plil9/whats_the_square_root_of_69/
%
I held a premature ejaculation party...

Why was I surprised when everyone came early...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pli2c/i_held_a_premature_ejaculation_party/
%
Roses are red,

My wife is dead,
Does anyone want to buy a 2 person bed?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8plg7k/roses_are_red/
%
I finally figured out why I look so ugly in all my pictures

It's my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8plfr9/i_finally_figured_out_why_i_look_so_ugly_in_all/
%
I was really on my game today. Then the toilet clogged.

Now I'm all flush-turd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8plf4a/i_was_really_on_my_game_today_then_the_toilet/
%
What’s the difference between a fake dollar bill and a skinny prostitute?

One’s a phony buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ple8v/whats_the_difference_between_a_fake_dollar_bill/
%
I have an EpiPen

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8plb97/i_have_an_epipen/
%
I just spent over a half hour trying to get my girlfriend's bra off...

Man I'll never try wearing that again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8platk/i_just_spent_over_a_half_hour_trying_to_get_my/
%
I took my finger out of her hole, and in seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, Man. I am really gonna miss this boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pl69r/i_took_my_finger_out_of_her_hole_and_in_seconds/
%
The oldest computer...

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.
Yes, it was an Apple.
But with an extremely limited memory.
Just one byte.
Then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pl4jh/the_oldest_computer/
%
Why were the star wars movies released 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8

In charge of planning Yoda was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pl12a/why_were_the_star_wars_movies_released_45612378/
%
What do you call a radically Islamic cowboy?

A yeehawdist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkzcp/what_do_you_call_a_radically_islamic_cowboy/
%
Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine

and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkxsa/congratulations_to_tu_youyou_on_winning_the_nobel/
%
Picked up a hitchhiker last night

He said thanks! how do you know i’m not a serial killer though?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkxc9/picked_up_a_hitchhiker_last_night/
%
Whats the difference between "light" and "hard"?

You can sleep with the light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkx6u/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkx2o/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table/
%
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out man!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkuhe/why_couldnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
%
Whats every Dad's favorite fruit?

Watermelon (water my lawn)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkucs/whats_every_dads_favorite_fruit/
%
I’m giving away my chimney for free.

It’s on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pktg3/im_giving_away_my_chimney_for_free/
%
A band of Superheroes walk into a Gluten-free, Soy-Free, non-GMO, organic, fat-free restraunt....

Just Ice was served.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkqbf/a_band_of_superheroes_walk_into_a_glutenfree/
%
Alex Ovechkin invites Sidney Crosby over to watch a movie

Crosby sits down in the theater room, and waits for Ovechkin. Ovechkin finally walks in, and is drinking a cup a water. Crosby says "Hey can i get something to drink?". Ovechkin responds sorry I only have one cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pknzj/alex_ovechkin_invites_sidney_crosby_over_to_watch/
%
The guy who invented the cough lozenge died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkm07/the_guy_who_invented_the_cough_lozenge_died_last/
%
What’s a pirates favorite letter?

Aye ya might be thinkin’ R, but his true love be the C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkluw/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. (Long)

The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .........
"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!".....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkjhw/a_duck_walks_into_a_pub_and_orders_a_pint_of_beer/
%
A factory burned in a fire

One of the survivors, a worker from the factory, goes home to his wife
“Honey, there was a fire, the factory burned down and many of my coworkers died”
“That’s horrible!” She replied
“Tragic... The company is insuring the families of the deceased with hundreds of thousands of dollars”
“How did you survive?” The wife asked.
“I stepped outside for a smoke when it caught fire” said the husband, to which the wife relied
“This is why I’ve told you a million times to quit smoking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkeke/a_factory_burned_in_a_fire/
%
A man decides to put his counterfeit 30 dollar bills into circulation.

He decides that a small town would be the best place to put them into circulation. "No one will know" he thinks. When he enters the store he chose to start breaking them up, he tells the cashier, "I got these brand new, shiny 30 dollar bills, Can you break them for me?" She says, "Sure, do you want it in 15's or 6's?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkegj/a_man_decides_to_put_his_counterfeit_30_dollar/
%
What did the policeman say to his belly?

You're under a vest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkdh6/what_did_the_policeman_say_to_his_belly/
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Did you hear about the new restaurant called “Karma?”

There’s no menu you get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pkbms/did_you_hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pk663/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
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What do you get when you chloroform a petting zoo?

The Silence of the Lambs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pk115/what_do_you_get_when_you_chloroform_a_petting_zoo/
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I've come up with a new screen resultion!!

The idea was thrown out, but I don't understand why, it was 0k

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjzos/ive_come_up_with_a_new_screen_resultion/
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A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjzhh/a_husband_calls_the_sheriffs_office_to_report_his/
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Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham and Arnold Schwarzenegger go to a theme party.

Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are planning ahead to attend a theme party. The theme is famous composers, and Lundgren suggests “We should all go as a composer from our respective heritage. I could be Franz Berwald. He had interests in the arts and sciences, much like me.”
Jason Statham thinks for a moment: “I’ve always enjoyed the work of Gustav Holst. I’ve been meaning to use his music in a movie. I think I can pull it off.”
Finally, Arnold says “This is a tough choice for me, there are…” He’s immediately interrupted by Lundgren, who yells “BACH! He’s the only choice for you!”
Arnold replies “Actually, Bach is from an area that would now be part of Germany, but I was born in Austria. I was thinking about Haydn or Mozart. I won’t be Bach.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjy5b/dolph_lundgren_jason_statham_and_arnold/
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Tattoos used to be such a controversial subject

Now there’s Botox and nobody even lifts an eyebrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjy12/tattoos_used_to_be_such_a_controversial_subject/
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Dark humour is like food

not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjx70/dark_humour_is_like_food/
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If I had a dollar for every gender

I’d have 2 dollars and a lot of counterfeit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjx5u/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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What is the highest level of trust?

Two cannibals blowing each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjvfs/what_is_the_highest_level_of_trust/
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If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjtts/if_youre_ever_skydiving_and_your_parachute_fails/
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The Italian businessman

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjsxy/the_italian_businessman/
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The professional gambler

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.
Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...
"Want to make a bet while we wait?" The Gambler asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you."
The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks.
"Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line.
Next, the gambler taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts.
"This one's easy!" the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!"
Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line.
Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made.
"Okay, let's see..." The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He's a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes.
The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. "You ain't taking me alive!"
The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with.
The gambler holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "Fuck the police!"
Wrong again. The gambler's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before.
Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!"
The man steps aside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjsm8/the_professional_gambler/
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My neighbor found out I decided to clone my tabby, just like he did recently...

He called me a copy-cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjpf5/my_neighbor_found_out_i_decided_to_clone_my_tabby/
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Have you ever tried to get french bread in a english speaking country ?

It's a pain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjloh/have_you_ever_tried_to_get_french_bread_in_a/
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What do Jedi do when a program stops responding?

They force close it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjksf/what_do_jedi_do_when_a_program_stops_responding/
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A Lady goes to buy her grandson a fishing rod.

She goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjhpu/a_lady_goes_to_buy_her_grandson_a_fishing_rod/
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A couple that has been married for 20 years...

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every morning, the husband would wake up and blast out the biggest, loudest fart in bed. The wife was quite disgusted with the practice and repeatedly asked him to stop, but he just chuckled. She told him "One of these days you are going to fart your guts out".
The practice continued, unabated. Finally the wife decided to play a trick. While at the butcher she picked up some chicken entrails. The next morning she awoke early and carefully put the entrails into her husband's boxers while he slept. Then she went  to the kitchen to wait.
Sure enough, a few minutes later there was a trumpet blast from her husband's ass. She chuckled to herself and waited, sipping her coffee, for him to come out.
It took quite some time, but when he came to the kitchen he was looking a bit ashen. She waited and he told her...
"Well, you were right. This morning I did fart my guts out. But, by the grace of god and with these two fingers, I pushed them all back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjcy6/a_couple_that_has_been_married_for_20_years/
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Proposal

A married couple are out one night at a dance club.
There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjc7u/proposal/
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I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party.

Everyone came, you should have seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pjbkk/i_threw_my_girlfriend_a_surprise_bukakke_party/
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Desperate for money, I robbed a bank today. My heart sank when I heard a voice boom, "This is the police! We have all the exits surrounded, so come out with your hands up!"

I escaped through the entrance...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pj8pg/desperate_for_money_i_robbed_a_bank_today_my/
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I got pulled over today.

The officer asked me, "How high are you?"
I said, "No officer, it's hi how are you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pj596/i_got_pulled_over_today/
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Two lesbians are playing golf..

They both tee off on the first hole. One hits it down the right side, the other drives the ball down the left into a flower bed. When she gets to her ball she finds it and thinks she can play it out of the flower bed instead of taking the drop. She climbs in and takes a few swings and misses, knocking the top off of the buttercups around her ball with each swipe. She finally catches the ball and advances it up near the green. As she is climbing out  of the flower bed, mother nature appears and says "this is not ok. as punishment from now on when you taste butter you will get nauseous to remind you of these buttercups you killed"
then the lesbian looks up at her partner across the fairway and starts running and screaming
"Don't Hit!! Don't Hit!! Take a drop!! You are standing in the middle of a bunch of pussywillows!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pixjc/two_lesbians_are_playing_golf/
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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pixiz/what_does_a_lawyer_get_when_you_give_him_viagra/
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What do a vacuum cleaner and a porn star have in common?

They both suck better when they are empty inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pius7/what_do_a_vacuum_cleaner_and_a_porn_star_have_in/
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Where in the hell can I find a lawyer?

Anywhere.  They're all over the place down there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8piu5n/where_in_the_hell_can_i_find_a_lawyer/
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I saved a life today

I asked a homeless guy how he would feel if I gave him $1000.
He replied, “I’d die of happiness.”
So I didn’t give it to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8piqqu/i_saved_a_life_today/
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Robot that Detects Lies

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night?” “I was at the library.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, I was at a friend’s house.” “Doing what?” asks the father. “Watching a movie, Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, it was porn!” cries the son. The father yells, “What? When I was your age, I didn’t know what porn was!” The robot slaps the father. The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son!” The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8piplj/robot_that_detects_lies/
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In a historic day for Canada, Ontario held a Provincial Election on the same day the Senate passed the Cannabis Legalization Act.

Turnout was high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pio5j/in_a_historic_day_for_canada_ontario_held_a/
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What's black and doesn't work?

Decaf coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pimfs/whats_black_and_doesnt_work/
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I broke my finger the other week.

On the other hand i'm okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pi8v0/i_broke_my_finger_the_other_week/
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I was having a prostate exam...

Me:*squirms
Doctor: Don't worry, it's perfectly fine to have an erection at a time like this.
So I tried to ignore the bulge in his pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pi6ha/i_was_having_a_prostate_exam/
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My sister didn't think I could build a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pi2n6/my_sister_didnt_think_i_could_build_a_car_out_of/
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I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It's shift work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pi0se/ive_found_a_job_helping_a_one_armed_typist_do/
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I asked a friend why she did a lip augmentation again.

She said *bo look bepper*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8phyca/i_asked_a_friend_why_she_did_a_lip_augmentation/
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I didn't know what to wear to the premature ejaculation club

So i just came in my pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8phwrx/i_didnt_know_what_to_wear_to_the_premature/
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What's the difference between an Immortal Goddess and a Hooker?

The letter 't'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8phvtt/whats_the_difference_between_an_immortal_goddess/
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After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change

And filed for divorce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8phtvq/after_months_of_my_wife_buying_organic_foods_in/
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We shouldn't be so harsh on lawyers.

99% of them are giving all the others a bad name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8phrln/we_shouldnt_be_so_harsh_on_lawyers/
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Here’s a joke you can fool almost any kid and some adults with.

Not the usual brand of joke seen here but I wasn’t sure where better to share it.
Anywho, choose your victim and say to them “I’ll bet that I can make you say the word blue.”
If they accept the challenge ask them the colors of the American flag. However they answer, assuming they weren’t stupid enough to lose right away, move on to step three.
Next, ask them any color question that doesn’t contain blue. Assuming they answer correctly laugh in their face and say “Ha! Told you I could make you say red!”  (Or whatever)
To which they will invariably reply in annoyance “no, you said you’d make me say blue !” This will cause them to lose of course.
Enjoy their embarrassment when they discover that you’ve duped them. I’ve never had this fail on any kid under age 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8php6r/heres_a_joke_you_can_fool_almost_any_kid_and_some/
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What’s green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it could kill you?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8phow6/whats_green_fuzzy_and_if_it_falls_out_of_a_tree/
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Today, I decided to donate all my worldly possessions and give myself up to Jesus

It's pretty hard to say no to a Mexican dude with a knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8phjxw/today_i_decided_to_donate_all_my_worldly/
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The government has covered up the existence of monsters for centuries...

The truth is kept under Loch and key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8phjqj/the_government_has_covered_up_the_existence_of/
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What’s a seal’s favorite social activity?

Clubbing...
I’m so sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8phha1/whats_a_seals_favorite_social_activity/
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I had to give up using the work carpool as I got panic attacks every time we drove through a tunnel.

I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8phdb9/i_had_to_give_up_using_the_work_carpool_as_i_got/
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Talked to an atheist today.

Turns out he’s part of a Non-Prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8phaz1/talked_to_an_atheist_today/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ph8mi/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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Hey Siri, why am I still single?

***Siri opened the front facing camera***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pgxip/hey_siri_why_am_i_still_single/
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What do you call a person sleeping in LA’s airport?

SnorLAX

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pgvnj/what_do_you_call_a_person_sleeping_in_las_airport/
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I beat cancer!

Killed the guy before he could die from it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pgtms/i_beat_cancer/
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What’s the difference between a bunch of bugs and Dwayne Johnson’s personal trainers?

One is a group of cockroaches, the other’s a bunch of Rock coaches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pgrht/whats_the_difference_between_a_bunch_of_bugs_and/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

“Keep the tip”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pgrgk/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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Whats the male equivalents of a feminist?

A sexist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pgpgk/whats_the_male_equivalents_of_a_feminist/
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When blondes go fishing....

Two blondes rent a boat and went fishing. They caught a lot of fish and returned to the shore.
Blonde 1: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish.
Blonde 2: Yes, I marked X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.
Blonde 1: That's fucking stupid! How do we know we will get the same boat tomorrow??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pglv2/when_blondes_go_fishing/
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grad students...

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty cat who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "FUCK," the rottweiler ate him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pgksc/a_teacher_is_explaining_biology_to_her_4th_grad/
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Why do cops hate insomniacs?

Because they are always resisting a rest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pgjhb/why_do_cops_hate_insomniacs/
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They say oral sex makes your day

But anal sex will make your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pgdf8/they_say_oral_sex_makes_your_day/
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Sometimes when you drink liquor it really makes you question things. You know what I mean? Like why are we here?

Or...wait really where the fuck am I?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pg44w/sometimes_when_you_drink_liquor_it_really_makes/
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This man has a pain in his eye every morning...

He has a daily morning routine, he wakes up, washes his face, brews his coffee, he mixes it with a spoon, and drinks it. For some reason he always has a pain in his eyes.
So one day he goes to the doctor after becoming fed up of the pain. The doctor first asks him about his diet, and the man replies that he’s been eating healthy. The doctor asks him about his routine, so he gives the man some props to recreate it. So the man proceeds to wash his face, brew his coffee, mix it with a spoon, and drink it.
The doctor sighs and asks, “Have you ever taken out the spoon before you drink your coffee?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pfzmf/this_man_has_a_pain_in_his_eye_every_morning/
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A message to the man in the wheelchair who stole my Camo Jacket

You can hide but you can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pfzcf/a_message_to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole/
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I invented a new word

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pfxco/i_invented_a_new_word/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pfx86/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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The King and the Four Criminals

Once upon a time, there were four criminals on trial and they were all presented in front of the King.
King: "I shall forgive you of all your sins, you only need to do a  task for me. Bring me 10 pieces of a fruit of your choosing. Don't  bother escaping, for I will have you escorted by my guards."
As ordered by the King, the four criminals went on and gathered 10 of the fruits of their choosing.
By nightfall, one of the criminals came back with an apple.
King: "You oh whose sin is of robbery, I hereby order you to shove  those 10 apples up your ass without one falling or not laughing while  doing so. If you failed, I will have your head chopped off."
The robber tried putting one apple, two apples, but the third did not  fit. Therefore, he was chained and was readied for execution.
Moments later, the second criminal came back with a banana.
King: "You oh whose sin is of murder, I hereby order you to shove  those 10 bananas up your ass without one falling or not laughing while  doing so. If you failed, I will have your head chopped off."
The murderer tried to, but laughed at the thought. He too was chained.
Some time later, the third criminal came back with grapes to present to the King.
"Lucky guy", said the murderer.
King: "You oh whose sin is of adultery, I hereby order you to shove  those 10 grapes up your ass without one falling or not laughing while  doing so. If you failed, I will have your head chopped off."
"Easy enough," the adulterer told himself.
He put one grape after the other, and when he was about to put the 10th grape \- he burst out laughing.
"Why the hell did you laugh, you only had one grape left to put up your ass!", said the robber.
"I can't control myself", said the adulterer. "Look at that guy!"
They all looked forward and saw the fourth criminal and his escort carrying watermelons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pfrzg/the_king_and_the_four_criminals/
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Did you hear about the male pornstar who accidentally put explosives in with his laundry?

He blew his load everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pfpqj/did_you_hear_about_the_male_pornstar_who/
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Ig the Knight

Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!
To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why Ig was engulfed by flames.
Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pfmpn/ig_the_knight/
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I'm not a sexist.

Because sexism is wrong.
And being wrong is for women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pfi2a/im_not_a_sexist/
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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pfhzf/two_physicians_boarded_a_flight_out_of_seattle/
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A man is having sex with his wife.

He says "How about I cum in your ear baby?"
His wife replies "No way! I'll go deaf!"
He says "That would never happen. I've been cumming in your mouth for twenty years and you never shut the fuck up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pfhwi/a_man_is_having_sex_with_his_wife/
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Communism jokes aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets them of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pfbmj/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
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Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on ships?

So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pfadv/why_does_the_norwegian_navy_put_barcodes_on_ships/
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What do you call a hen looking at lettuce?

Chicken sees her salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pf8xg/what_do_you_call_a_hen_looking_at_lettuce/
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Me: Hey, how do you spell color?

British Friend: C-O-L-O-U-R
Me: How do you spell honor?
British Friend: H-O-N-O-U-R
Me: How do you spell neighbor?
British Friend: N-E-I-G-H-B-O-U-R
Me: Why do you keep adding an extra ‘u’ in these words?
British Friend: dQw4w9WgXcQ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pf6vm/me_hey_how_do_you_spell_color/
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An American brings a Chinese Man to a hotdog stand.

The American orders a hotdog and assures the Chinese Man that the food here is very good.
When the hotdog is served, the Chinese Man begins to look pale.
The American asks, “What’s wrong?”
The Chinese Man replies, “When we eat dogs, we typically remove this part of the body. Not eat it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pf6ov/an_american_brings_a_chinese_man_to_a_hotdog_stand/
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Why did Hippocrates have such bad acne?

Because he showered in greece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pf37t/why_did_hippocrates_have_such_bad_acne/
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All my friends are getting married...

I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pezyq/all_my_friends_are_getting_married/
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I spent a few hours crying by my wifes grave again today

It's gonna be rough getting through each day until I get to bury her in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8peyax/i_spent_a_few_hours_crying_by_my_wifes_grave/
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My wife left me a note on the fridge saying “this isn’t working”

I opened it up and the light turned on and the beer was cold. No idea what she’s talking about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pewut/my_wife_left_me_a_note_on_the_fridge_saying_this/
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How much dirt is in a 12 x 6 x 3 hole?

None. It’s a hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8peu1n/how_much_dirt_is_in_a_12_x_6_x_3_hole/
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I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

...because fuck u.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pesr6/im_really_good_friends_with_25_letters_of_the/
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You guys hear about the cow space program?

They want to travel a bovine beyond

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8peskd/you_guys_hear_about_the_cow_space_program/
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Which disease is most tragic for a mime?

Gesticular cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8peqjx/which_disease_is_most_tragic_for_a_mime/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8peqck/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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How many ants does it take to fill up an apartment

Tenants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pekfm/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_fill_up_an_apartment/
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Today I saw two guys on the street in matching outfits so I asked them: Are you gay?

They arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pegwz/today_i_saw_two_guys_on_the_street_in_matching/
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A woman just gave birth and her doctor says "I've got some good news for you and some bad news for you"

Woman: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your baby is a red head.
Woman: Oh no! Well what's the good news?
Doctor: He's dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pedat/a_woman_just_gave_birth_and_her_doctor_says_ive/
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Two guys are fishing

Tom asks Gary for a light.
Gary pulls out a giant bic lighter.
Whoa says Tom where'd you get that lighter?
I have a genie Gary says.
What! You have a genie Tom says excited,  man can I have one wish please.
Gary smiles and says you have to ask my genie and he summons his genie.
Hey genie my buddy Tim wants a wish is that ok?
The genie smiles and nods yes only one wish though.
Tom says man genie I wish I had a million bucks.
It may take a while the genie says but I will get it done.
A few hours later they are surrounded by a million ducks!
Damn it Gary I said a million bucks not a million ducks.
Gary laughs and turns to Tom. Do you think I asked for a ten inch Bic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pebbl/two_guys_are_fishing/
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How do you make a hormone?

Don’t pay her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pe83j/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
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I tried that game Cuphead but i stopped

i just couldnt stand lookin at that ugly mug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pe70t/i_tried_that_game_cuphead_but_i_stopped/
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I'm trying so hard to create a LEGO joke.

But the pieces just won't go together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pe507/im_trying_so_hard_to_create_a_lego_joke/
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Tony Stark wasn't crying

There was just some Peter Parker in his eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pe1v0/tony_stark_wasnt_crying/
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An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pdzvm/an_engineer_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
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My Thai girlfriend assured me that a small penis shouldn't affect a loving relationship.

I still wish she didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pdyka/my_thai_girlfriend_assured_me_that_a_small_penis/
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OLD ROMANIAN JOKE ABOUT COMMIES

Why do policemen(considered idiots) walk in groups of 3?
One knows how to read, one knows how to write and the other one oversees the intellectuals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pdvvt/old_romanian_joke_about_commies/
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A young man gets pulled over by the police.

"Son, have you been drinking tonight?" said the officer.
The man rolled down his window. He had bloodshot eyes and smelt of whiskey. His left hand had a silver watch on it. "No, sir," he said with a slurred voice. "I am not drunk."
The police officer wasn't having it. "Alright, son. If you're not drunk, can you tell the time for me?"
The man smiled and shook his intoxicated head. "Sure thing, sir." He turned to the watch on his left hand.
"The officer told me to tell you that I am not drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pdsti/a_young_man_gets_pulled_over_by_the_police/
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Why there were no pharmacies in USSR?

Because you can’t take pills on an empty stomach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pdn15/why_there_were_no_pharmacies_in_ussr/
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Why did it take Mr. Cat so long to bake his cookies?

He made everything from scratch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pdm4v/why_did_it_take_mr_cat_so_long_to_bake_his_cookies/
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I think my family is racist

I brought a black girl home and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pdlbf/i_think_my_family_is_racist/
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All men should make coffee for their woman

It says it right in the bible: "Hebrew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pdj7j/all_men_should_make_coffee_for_their_woman/
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The only thing flat-earthers fear

Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pdj0d/the_only_thing_flatearthers_fear/
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What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday - the rest are weak days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pdid9/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
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Why are you guys getting so mad at lazy people?

Theyre doing nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pdcvm/why_are_you_guys_getting_so_mad_at_lazy_people/
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A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pdcum/a_new_twist_on_an_old_joke/
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Magic trick

My special trick is to eat two bits of string and they will come out my bum tied together. I shit you knot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pd94h/magic_trick/
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I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra...

It was a booby trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pd8lx/i_walked_into_my_sisters_room_and_tripped_on_a_bra/
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How many waiters does it take to change a lightbulb?

“That’s not my section.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pd5c8/how_many_waiters_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I was shocked when my dad came out as gay....

But the real surprise came when my other dad came out, too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pd4wk/i_was_shocked_when_my_dad_came_out_as_gay/
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What's the difference between an Architect and an Engineer?

If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own.  If engineers built all the buildings, they'd be so ugly, we'd tear them all down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pd2aq/whats_the_difference_between_an_architect_and_an/
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I’ve just been attacked by 3 men, luckily I managed to knock one out.

It wasn’t the best time to jerk off but it could’ve been my last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pd1zl/ive_just_been_attacked_by_3_men_luckily_i_managed/
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They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, but what happens when someone can’t catch any fish?

They become master baiters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pcznz/they_say_there_are_plenty_of_fish_in_the_sea_but/
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My lesbian neighbours just gave me a Rolex

They misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pcudh/my_lesbian_neighbours_just_gave_me_a_rolex/
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Porn sites should be .cum not .com

I’m serious. It would help with the disambiguation thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pctvy/porn_sites_should_be_cum_not_com/
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A Doctor, a Priest and an Engineer go golfing....

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.
"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do."
The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men."
The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!"
The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pctk9/a_doctor_a_priest_and_an_engineer_go_golfing/
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I thought air was free.

That was until I bought a bag of lays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pcq4t/i_thought_air_was_free/
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What’s the difference between a Gay man and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out of it.
(Old joke some guy on a bus told me many years ago.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pcoj3/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_man_and_a/
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What's Lady Gaga's favorite food?

Sushi because they serve it raw, raw, raw\-raw\-raw!
(sorry I just saw the guy get to the front page with his stoned asparagus joke, so I wanted to try mine).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pcm6s/whats_lady_gagas_favorite_food/
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Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pcli4/why_cant_lebron_james_stand_on_his_tippy_toes/
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It's actually really dangerous to steal kitchen utensils from bakeries.

But you just have to be willing to take the whisk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pckeo/its_actually_really_dangerous_to_steal_kitchen/
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How do cannibals prefer veterans?

Seasoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pceix/how_do_cannibals_prefer_veterans/
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Why is there no such thing as a punapple?

Because the best puns come in pears.
(Original joke made up by me and my friend the other day as we were high and ate pineapple... the asparagus guy inspired me to share)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pcd13/why_is_there_no_such_thing_as_a_punapple/
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At an Indian restaurant, can you order bread as an appetizer?

Or is that a naan-starter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pc9s1/at_an_indian_restaurant_can_you_order_bread_as_an/
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Kids are so ungrateful these days.

I got my 11 year old nephew a trampoline for his birthday, and instead of thanking me, the little cunt just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pc7nm/kids_are_so_ungrateful_these_days/
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A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar.

The waiter asks: "What'll you have?", the algorithm responds: "What everyone else is having."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pc77w/a_machine_learning_algorithm_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a woman who smuggles things inside her?

A cuntainer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pc1qr/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_smuggles_things/
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When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a womans body

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pc0hn/when_i_was_younger_i_felt_like_a_man_trapped/
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College kid home for the summer, answers an ad for an "Assistant Gorilla Catcher"

Old man says we usually don't get much work. But it pays $20 an hour, with a 40 hour week. Kid accepts the position and most of the summer goes by without a single phone call. Finally a call comes in for an escaped gorilla from the zoo, up a tree. Old man tells the kid to get the baseball bat and shotgun out of the closet and meet him at the truck. Old man goes and gets the meanest looking Pit Bull from his cage and they head over to the location. The old man grabs the dog, walks him over to the tree and gives him the command to stay. He walks over to the kid and says "I'm gonna climb this tree and start shaking the branches until the gorilla falls out. When he hits the ground, the dog will clamp onto his balls and you run over and hit the gorilla on the head with the bat. He'll be unconscious and we'll be able to get him back to the zoo without any problems". Kid says okay and the man starts climbing the tree. All of a sudden the kid yells out, "So what's the shotgun for"? Old man says "in case the gorilla knocks me out of the tree first". SHOOT THE DAMN DOG!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pc00f/college_kid_home_for_the_summer_answers_an_ad_for/
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I had a one night stand with a girl the other night...

At the beginning of the night I played piano for her and she said I was just like Amadeus or Beethoven.
From that point on I knew she was never going to call me Bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pby6w/i_had_a_one_night_stand_with_a_girl_the_other/
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Child-psychologists...

Hear touching stories from time to time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbvtj/childpsychologists/
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A blonde and a trucker get into an accident on the highway

A blonde is taking her new sports car out for a drive on the highway. She cuts off a trucker and causes him to almost crash. The trucker angrily yells at her and motions for her to pull over.
They both pull over and get out of their vehicles. The truck driver takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the ground  around where the blonde is standing and tells her not to move.
The trucker grabs a knife from his pocket and proceeds to slash the blondes tires. He turns around to look at her and he sees her smiling. This makes him more angry.  He then starts cutting up the leather interior in her car and turns around again to look at her. Now the blonde is giggling.
Infuriated, the trucker grabs a baseball bat from his truck and starts bashing in her windows and headlights. Again, he turns around and now the blonde is laughing hysterically. The trucker is beyond pissed off now. He asks her what the hell is so funny about all of this.
The blonde replies...
“Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbulz/a_blonde_and_a_trucker_get_into_an_accident_on/
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If I had a dollar every time I read a repost on r/jokes

Women would start to find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbses/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_i_read_a_repost_on/
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I got an internship job at a nudist camp

I’m doing it for the exposure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbreb/i_got_an_internship_job_at_a_nudist_camp/
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I wanted to order food from a fancy restaurant

I didn't want to leave the house, though, so I had them bring the food to me.
I ordered a medium rare steak and foie gras, but when the food arrived my foie gras was missing!
Furious, I drove over to the restaurant and demanded they give me my full order. They did, and before I left I asked them why they did not provide me what I asked for.
The chef said, "Well sir, you said you wanted your meal de-livered."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbr3n/i_wanted_to_order_food_from_a_fancy_restaurant/
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Struggle is

Watching a match between England and West Indies, on a black and white television. Turn the brightness up and one team disappears, turn it down and the other does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbpzr/struggle_is/
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I didn't go to college, I went to the school of hard knocks

A Jehovah's witness school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbpjp/i_didnt_go_to_college_i_went_to_the_school_of/
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What was the last cooking implement used by Anne Frank?

A Dutch Oven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbokc/what_was_the_last_cooking_implement_used_by_anne/
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I like my privacy policy updates like I like my women

All talk, no action, just agree and leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbnan/i_like_my_privacy_policy_updates_like_i_like_my/
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I spent a few hours at my wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbh66/i_spent_a_few_hours_at_my_wifes_grave_today/
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One of my favorite childhood memories is my father coming out of the closet...

It was a huge surprise to me that not just *one*, but *both* my fathers were gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbh62/one_of_my_favorite_childhood_memories_is_my/
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Why did the half-blind man fall down the well?

Because he did not see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbgi3/why_did_the_halfblind_man_fall_down_the_well/
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If you meet someone new, talk about global warming.

Its a really good icebreaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbfip/if_you_meet_someone_new_talk_about_global_warming/
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My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said "40"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbbsl/my_friend_asked_me_to_help_him_round_up_his_37/
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I'm not very good at geography...

But I can name a city in France, which is Nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbbms/im_not_very_good_at_geography/
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Enjoying a meal at a nice restaurant, ended up saving a life!

So I’m at a restaurant enjoying a nice meal with my wife. She’s ingesting the smoked pork jowl while I’m enjoying a nice rack of lamb cooked to perfection.  All of a sudden at a few tables near us, the lady who’s splitting with her husband a smooth roast chicken (with an immensely enjoyable aroma) stands straight up and starts chocking!    Panic ensues!
I abruptly stand and yell out “hold on everyone, HOLD ON!  I’m a trained expert and know EXACTLY what to do!”
As her husband watches with obvious fear in his eyes, I run towards their table, quickly lie her facedown on their table, lift up her flowery dress and pop down her undies and proceeded to lick her buttocks.  With the restaurants patrons watching in horror, all of a sudden she gasps and coughs out a big piece of chicken!
Her husband had this puzzled look on his face but started smiling and shaking my hands. “thank you sir, THANK YOU!  I appreciate you saving her life and am eternally thankful but I have to ask… what the hell do you call that??”
Proud at saving a life, I blurt out:  “Oh, that’s called the heinie-lick maneuver”
/runs away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pbbf6/enjoying_a_meal_at_a_nice_restaurant_ended_up/
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This guy tried to tell me a joke about Social Security...

I warned him ahead of time I probably won't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pba5j/this_guy_tried_to_tell_me_a_joke_about_social/
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My girlfriend left because I treated our relationship like a game show...

Oh well, she was a worthy contestant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pb9la/my_girlfriend_left_because_i_treated_our/
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What's the difference between an Israeli and an Israelite?

About 30 calories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pb99i/whats_the_difference_between_an_israeli_and_an/
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Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?

Because B shells were too small and D shells were too big!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pb8w8/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_seashells/
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A Guy takes his Friend to a bar

A Guy takes his Friend to his favourite bar for the first time. They order a beer and someone shouts: "7"! Everyone started laughing. The Friend is visibly confused so the Guy explains:
"Oh, right, you see, we've always been telling the same jokes over and over so we gave each a number, now instead of the joke you say the number and everyone knows what you mean".
To prove it he says "24" and he gets a few chuckles.
"That was a knock knock joke". The Friend decides to give it a try and says: "57". Everyone goes nuts, they all laugh like crazy. "Was it this funny?" he asks. Through tears the Guy says:
"We haven't heard that one yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pb7z9/a_guy_takes_his_friend_to_a_bar/
%
What's a cannibal's favourite movie?

Gladiator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pb5tl/whats_a_cannibals_favourite_movie/
%
I've been losing sleep at night recently

trying to figure out who stole my bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pb5gm/ive_been_losing_sleep_at_night_recently/
%
What do Christmas trees and old men have in common?

The balls are just for decoration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pb572/what_do_christmas_trees_and_old_men_have_in_common/
%
A man comes home from a long day at work and asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

"I'd take half and leave your sorry ass!" She replied. "Well" He said "I just won 2 bucks on a scratch off. Here's a dollar, now get the fuck out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pb0wu/a_man_comes_home_from_a_long_day_at_work_and_asks/
%
They say the best way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror.

It's working well so far, I've been banned from McDonalds for life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pb0tv/they_say_the_best_way_to_lose_weight_is_to_eat/
%
My Grandpa was an amazing man

My grandpa left school and was told by his parents, whom could clearly afford it, that if he wanted to study at university he would need to pay his own way. Well he did exactly that and took a role as a mail boy in a merchant bank.
When WW1 broke he was drafted and fought as a officer in the light horse brigade. At one stage, diving off his horse, he held  his helmet over a grenade, losing several fingers but saving many other lives. He was discharged honorably and awarded a medal for his bravery.
He went back to his job and continued his march up the corporate ladder until WW2 broke.
He actually fooled the enlistment office, whom had fortunately lost his papers and found himself once again unlisted this time as a sergeant.
He was captured soon after his deployment and spent a year in a Nazi prison camp. He used his time to learn German from the guards and whilst shunned by his fellow inmates for acting friendly towards the enemy used his given privileges to escape, travel across Germany to Switzerland and then to England disguised as a clergy man and rejoined his battalion to fight out the war. Again receiving a DSO for his efforts.
He returned from war, continued his career and spoke little of it, we only know these stories due to a few military records. A great man, a driven man.
You know I can still remember the day he, you know, kicked the bucket. I can still remember the last words he said to me before doing so.
He and I were standing in his backyard. I a very young boy, he a very old man. He took a few steps backwards, stumbled slightly. I put out my hand but a man like this would never accept help, particularly from a child. He composed himself and took a further step back.
I looked at him, he looked at me, those eyes, such intensity, like I had never seen. He opened his mouth as it to say something which was odd as he barely spoke by this stage. He said, "watch how hard". "grampa?", I questioned. He continued, " watch how hard I can kick this bucket".
Grandma never did find out who was kicking her buckets all over the backyard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pavdo/my_grandpa_was_an_amazing_man/
%
A couple, both aged 31, went to a sex therapist's office

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50.....and I get $43 back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pavcz/a_couple_both_aged_31_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
%
The furniture store keeps calling me back.

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pausy/the_furniture_store_keeps_calling_me_back/
%
What is the opposite of defeat?

Da hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8paukk/what_is_the_opposite_of_defeat/
%
Little Johnny and His Baby Sister

Little Johnny's newborn baby sister just wouldn't stop crying one day.
Annoyed, Little Johnny asked his mom where they had got her from.
"From Heaven," replied his mom.
"Well, I can see why they threw her out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pau9x/little_johnny_and_his_baby_sister/
%
Did you hear about the judge who exposed himself during sentencing?

Apparently he wanted to meat out some justice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pau4x/did_you_hear_about_the_judge_who_exposed_himself/
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If you do not keep up repayments to your exorcist...

...your house may be repossessed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pasc2/if_you_do_not_keep_up_repayments_to_your_exorcist/
%
Got approached by a prostitute today who said she would do anything for $10

Guess who just got their car washed?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8par7m/got_approached_by_a_prostitute_today_who_said_she/
%
If i had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive..

they would eventually find me attractive..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8paqit/if_i_had_1_for_every_girl_that_didnt_find_me/
%
Wanna hear a joke about drilling a beautiful hole to the center of the Earth?

Me neither. It's probably a pretty boring pun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8papgn/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_drilling_a_beautiful_hole/
%
I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pany3/i_tried_to_catch_fog_yesterday/
%
A lot of people love the 69 position, personally I'm a fan of the 68...

That's where you blow me and I owe you one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pal2a/a_lot_of_people_love_the_69_position_personally/
%
I don't like making plans for the day

Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around the courtroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pajpb/i_dont_like_making_plans_for_the_day/
%
The job interview

Boss: There are 900 bricks on an airplane. If you drop 1 outside, how many are left?
Employee : That's easy, 899.
Boss : What are the 3 steps to put an elephant into a fridge?
Employee : Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge.
Boss : What are the four steps to put a giraffe into the fridge?
Employee : Open the fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the giraffe in. Close the fridge.
Boss : It's lion's birthday, all animals are there except one, why?
Employee : The giraffe, because it is in the fridge.
Boss : How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?
Employee : She just crosses it because all crocodiles are at the lion's birthday.
Boss : Last question. In the end the old lady still died. Why?
Employee : Er. I guess she drowned?
Boss : No! She was hit by the brick fallen from the airplane. You may leave now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pajac/the_job_interview/
%
What's green, slimey and smells like pork?

Kermit the Frog's fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8paiop/whats_green_slimey_and_smells_like_pork/
%
A group of strings go on a night out

They walk up the the first bar and ask for a pint of guinness and 2 carlsbergs. The barman asks "are you a piece of string?" The string says yes. The barman tells the string "we dont serve string here". So the group walk away in a huff. The second string walks up to another bar and asks for the same order. Again, the barman asks "are you a piece of string?" The string says yes, the barman tells them they dont serve string. The third string had an idea. He messes up the end of his hair and walks up to the third bar. The barman asks "are you a piece of string?" The string replies "no, im a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pahsz/a_group_of_strings_go_on_a_night_out/
%
My dad’s joke was “you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln.” (person is confused since his name was Jim.)

He then responds, “We’ll, I wasn’t named before him!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pahsr/my_dads_joke_was_you_know_i_was_named_after/
%
Why don’t oysters share their pearls?

They’re shellfish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pahdr/why_dont_oysters_share_their_pearls/
%
Who wants to hear a joke about a piece of paper?

Never mind... it's tear-able.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pag1j/who_wants_to_hear_a_joke_about_a_piece_of_paper/
%
Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pafq7/remain_calm/
%
Did you hear about the movie “Constipation”?

It never came out…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pafa4/did_you_hear_about_the_movie_constipation/
%
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8paf78/what_do_you_call_a_boomerang_that_doesnt_come_back/
%
Terminator decided to stop killing and take up an honest job.

Now he's an exterminator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8paemj/terminator_decided_to_stop_killing_and_take_up_an/
%
When I was little, we were so poor that Dad had to bust a hole in the septic tank just so we could slip and slide.

It was a shitty slip and slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pae66/when_i_was_little_we_were_so_poor_that_dad_had_to/
%
What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?

Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pacxf/what_did_the_alabama_sheriff_call_the_black_guy/
%
So, I was smoking on a balcony

There was no ashtray, so I threw the butt from the window. And down there was some kid, passing by. He raised his head, and yelled to me: Mister, you cannot throw the cigarettes from the balcony. That is not right! Put them to the ashtray!” And you know, I felt so bad and ashamed. So I dressed and went down from the seventh floor and beat the shit out of this fucker.
P.S.  I see you like old translated from Russian jokes, so here comes the first. If you like it, I'll post some more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pabwv/so_i_was_smoking_on_a_balcony/
%
What’s the model name of Tesla’s new SUV?

Journalist: “What’s the model name of the upcoming SUV?”
Elon Musk: ’Y’.
Journalist: “Because I’m asking.”
Musk: “And I’m telling you.”
Journalist: “So if you’re telling me, what did you say it’s called?”
Musk: ‘Y’
Journalist: “Why?”
Musk: “Exactly.”
Journalist: “So it’s the model ‘Exactly’?”
Musk: “No, ‘Y’.”
Journalist: “‘know why’ what!?”
Musk: “Not ‘what’, just ‘Y.’
Journalist: “*I don’t know!*”
Musk: No… that’s the timeframe for delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pa9g2/whats_the_model_name_of_teslas_new_suv/
%
They say kids are gifts...

But I prefer to play with the box they come in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pa8n3/they_say_kids_are_gifts/
%
Stay Stay!!!!!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pa7k9/stay_stay/
%
Some one asked me how people view lesbians in my country?

Apparently, "Usually in HD" wasn't the answer they were looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pa4jp/some_one_asked_me_how_people_view_lesbians_in_my/
%
The Pharmacist

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pa2x0/the_pharmacist/
%
Why did the EA executive cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out!
Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pa1bw/why_did_the_ea_executive_cross_the_road/
%
Its pride month guys !! Let's all say something positive.

I'll start..... :  HIV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pa16c/its_pride_month_guys_lets_all_say_something/
%
When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom

Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8pa11f/when_i_was_a_kid_my_dad_sat_me_down_and_showed_me/
%
Mosquito bit me 8 times.

Mosquito bytes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p9ysn/mosquito_bit_me_8_times/
%
What does a short-sighted gynecologist have in common with German Shepherd?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p9xsn/what_does_a_shortsighted_gynecologist_have_in/
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Have you seen the clown at McDonald's who hides from gay people?

'course you haven't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p9urg/have_you_seen_the_clown_at_mcdonalds_who_hides/
%
What's the difference between a lover, a hooker, and a wife after twenty years of marriage?

Your lover says "Oooh, more, deeper, longer!"
Your hooker says "Cmon, cmon, let's get this over with!"
Your wife says "Beige! Beige! I'm going to paint the ceiling beige."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p9sno/whats_the_difference_between_a_lover_a_hooker_and/
%
A man goes to the countryside to hunt birds.

He spots one, aims and shoots at it. The bullet hits the bird and it falls down somewhere in the distance.
The man immediately sets off, but when he gets to the spot at which the bird fell he notices the place is a ranch - and the farmer who owns it is holding his bird. "That's my bird" the man tells him, but the farmer won't give it to him.
Eventually, the farmer makes a proposition: as is the custom in these parts, the matter will be settled with a kick between the legs: whoever screams less will get the bird. The man agrees and the farmer goes first.
He prepares, then kicks the man in the nuts as hard as he can. The man collapses and lies on the ground for twenty minutes. When he finally gets up, he gasps: "Okay, now it's my turn".
"Nope" says the farmer as he turns to go. "Here, take the bird."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p9rmk/a_man_goes_to_the_countryside_to_hunt_birds/
%
My wife left me because I kept making beer puns.

Alcohol her later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p9rda/my_wife_left_me_because_i_kept_making_beer_puns/
%
if you don't have any conversation starters try the Titanic

wait nvm it's not a good icebreaker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p9r9o/if_you_dont_have_any_conversation_starters_try/
%
You tell the punchline first.

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p9pg4/you_tell_the_punchline_first/
%
I got fired from my job at the bank today

A lady came to me and asked me to check her balance...
So I pushed her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p9hdu/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_bank_today/
%
Why are conservatives bad programmers?

Because they keep getting triggered by the .libs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p9gy1/why_are_conservatives_bad_programmers/
%
The other day during lunch break I saw one of my colleagues playing some kind of war game on his smartphone. As I poured my coffee I asked him about the game he was playing and we started small talking. Few minutes into our small talk he stated that so far he'd spend $700 in in game purchases.

I bursted into a loud laughter while shouting how that was the stupidest thing and biggest waste of money I've ever heard of!
Man, I was still laughing out loud in disbelief walking off and even still chuckling as I entered the smoking room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p9gtl/the_other_day_during_lunch_break_i_saw_one_of_my/
%
I went to the doctor and told him that I’m having trouble ‘satisfying’ the wife. He told me I should do what he does, so I asked, “What’s that, then?”

He chuckled, “Earn 100k a year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p9eo9/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_told_him_that_im_having/
%
What’s a Viking’s favourite social media?

Raid-it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p9ddx/whats_a_vikings_favourite_social_media/
%
I won’t pay off my student loans until I’m an old man

Now that’s what I call in-dentures servitude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p996l/i_wont_pay_off_my_student_loans_until_im_an_old/
%
I've recently come into some money.

It really felt awkward handing it over to the cashier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p98ll/ive_recently_come_into_some_money/
%
I phoned my wife....

...and said "would you like me to pick up fish & chips on the way home from work"
She had just grunted down the phone.
I think she is regretting letting me pick the names for our twins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p94of/i_phoned_my_wife/
%
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick ...

but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p94ci/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
%
The cops in my town are looking for a crazy man. He was last seen having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p9301/the_cops_in_my_town_are_looking_for_a_crazy_man/
%
What do you call a moth in a supermarket?

I can't believe it's not butterfly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p90wv/what_do_you_call_a_moth_in_a_supermarket/
%
What does a rude Frenchman and a ruthless Englishman have in common?

No Merci.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p8zvh/what_does_a_rude_frenchman_and_a_ruthless/
%
An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."
The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of the liquid to the doctor's tongue. The doctor gasps. "What the hell? Why did you put gasoline on my tongue?"
"Ah, great!" The engineer exclaimed. "You have regained your sense of taste. You can pay $50 to the cashier at the front."
Annoyed, the doctor goes home, but he returns to the engineer a few days later to get his money back. "I've gotten amnesia. I've lost my memories."
The engineer again takes a small bottle from his drawer. "Hold on," the doctor said, pulling back. "That's gasoline!"
The engineer smiled smugly. "Oh, seems like you have your memory back! You can pay $50 to the cashier at the front."
The doctor went home angrier than before, but he wanted to stump the engineer still. He went back to the clinic a few weeks later, confident he will get his money back. "Hey, I think I'm losing my eyesight. It's been getting real blurry and I can't read as much as I want to anymore."
The engineer sighed. "Oh wow, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Unfortunately I'm afraid I don't have the medicine for what you have, but here, you can take this $100."
The doctor took the bill in his hand. "But wait! This is only $50!"
"Perfect!" The engineer exclaimed. "You have got your vision back. You can pay $50 to the cashier at the front."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p8z8v/an_engineer_had_a_sign_in_front_of_his_clinic/
%
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

There's one less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p8x21/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.
I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p8t48/the_word_asparagus_is_funny/
%
I don't really understand the function of a coin press...

But I guess it makes cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p8qkg/i_dont_really_understand_the_function_of_a_coin/
%
Why do gay people dress so well?

Because they spend most of their lives in the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p8pf4/why_do_gay_people_dress_so_well/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German

are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p8joj/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
The Belgian PM has enough of the French laughing at his fellow countrymen

In order to fix that, he calls the French president, asking him for a favor : doing something stupid, so that the world will laugh at France, for once.
After some negotiation, the French president agrees to build a bridge in the middle of nowhere, not above a river or anything.
The world then starts laughing at the French for building this useless bridge.  But soon after, Belgium becomes the international joke again.  Not understanding any of it, the Belgian PM decides to call the French President, asking for explaination:
\- Dear Emmanuel, you assured me building this bridge would solve everything.  Did you lie to me?
\- Dear Charles, I didn't.  But it would help if Belgians stopped going fishing on the bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p8fqx/the_belgian_pm_has_enough_of_the_french_laughing/
%
What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?

I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p8bbz/what_did_our_grandparents_do_without_tv_or/
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Tonight’s DD

One night a police officer is sitting outside a bar, soon after he arrives he sees a man stumble out of the bar and towards his car. He reaches his vehicle and pulls out his keys, fumbling and dropping them multiple times. He then proceeds to attempt to insert the key into the car door, missing the key hole and dropping them again. He finally gets his keys in and starts the car, at which point the police officer throws his lights on and walks up to the window. “Good evening sir, I’ll get you to turn the car off and I’ll need to see your license and registration” “of course officer” the man replies, not sounding drunk at all. He asks him how much he’s has to drink and he replies “zero” The officer gets then gets the man out and has him perform the field sobriety tests, all of which he passes with flying colours. Bewildered the officer asks him how much he had to drink which the man replies with “zero” once again. The officer asks him why he struggled so much getting into his car and the man replies “I was tonight’s designated distraction!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p87ez/tonights_dd/
%
A mother is worried about her children's iron intake so she decides to put some iron BB gun ammo in their oatmeal...

Later that day why the mother was doing laundry her youngest son came up to her and said, "Mom! Mom! I was peeing just now I peed out a BB!"
The mother simply replied, "Don't worry dear that's normal"
Later on her middle oldest came in and said that he had also peed out a BB.
The mother replied again to not worry about it because it's completely normal.
It was getting close to dinner and her eldest had not came down to help set the table so she goes upstairs and she hears crying coming from his bedroom, so she knocks on the door and asks if everything is okay.
Her son opens the door crying and when his mom asks him what's wrong he said, "I was jerking off and I shot the DOG!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p84cd/a_mother_is_worried_about_her_childrens_iron/
%
So I just found a load of clay in my back yard...

Didn't know what to make of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p83dr/so_i_just_found_a_load_of_clay_in_my_back_yard/
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A Scientist, Mathematician, and an Idiot are in a car. Crashing into a tree, all three die. They are sent to purgatory, where the Devil is waiting.

(Of course, the idiot was driving)
"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."
So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most complicated formula known to science?" The Devil snaps his fingers, and a stack of papers appear. The scientist reads them, and has to agree. He is warped to hell.
The mathematician then asks the Devil the hardest math question at that time. The Devil snaps his fingers, and another stack of papers appear. The mathematician reads them, has to agree and is also warped to hell.
Finally the Idiot steps up. He asks for a chair. The Devil snaps his fingers, and a chair appears. The Idiot then tells him to drill 7 holes in the seat. The Devil snaps his fingers and there are 7 holes. The Idiot then sits on the chair and lets out a long, drawn out fart.
He asks, "what hole did that fart come out of?"
The Devil examines the chair closely and says, "Third hole from the right."
"Wrong. It came from my asshole."
(Edit: Changed mathematician question cause it was fucking stupid)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p81q2/a_scientist_mathematician_and_an_idiot_are_in_a/
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Give me two good reasons

Today, all schools reopened after a long summer vacation.
In one home in our neighbourhood, early this morning, a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”
SON : “Awww Mom! I don’t want to go to school.”
MOM : “Give me two good reasons why you don’t want to go to school??”
SON : "One, all the children hate me.
Two, all the teachers hate me!!”
MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason darling. Come on, you have to go to school.”
SON : “ OK. You give me two good reasons, WHY I should go to school?”
MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old, and should understand your responsibilities!
Two You are the 'PRINCIPAL' of the school "😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p7yl6/give_me_two_good_reasons/
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I was outside the pub having a smoke last night...

And a bloke in a wheelchair came up to me and asked me "Why do you smoke when you don't need to?"
I paused what I was doing and gave him a hard stare of thought. After a few moments I responded to him.
"Why the fuck are you wearing shoes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p7w2l/i_was_outside_the_pub_having_a_smoke_last_night/
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An American, a German, and a Frenchman are all on Death Row, waiting for the electric chair.

(Disclaimer: I am American)
The Frenchman is called forward by the executioner first. The executioner asks him what he has to say for himself, and the Frenchman says that he is not guilty, that it’s a mistake. The executioner flips the switch on the chair, and nothing happens. He says to himself that God must be sparing this man’s life. He lets him go free.
Then the German is called forward. The executioner asks him what he has to say for himself, and the German says that he is not guilty, that it’s a mistake. The executioner flips the switch on the chair, and nothing happens. He says to himself that God must be sparing this man’s life. He lets him go free.
Then the American is called forward. The executioner asks him what he has to say for himself. The American says this.
“Well, first of all, this thing’s not plugged in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p7vm9/an_american_a_german_and_a_frenchman_are_all_on/
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A couple, both age 27, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50.....and I get $43 back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p7uui/a_couple_both_age_27_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
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How long is a Chinese name

There is no punchline, its a statement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p7so8/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
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What do you call a gay backyard cookout?

An LGBTBBQ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p7ra0/what_do_you_call_a_gay_backyard_cookout/
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Even though it’s a surplus store, I’m pretty proud of myself for going into Costco and purchasing only ONE item.

A single package of 160 AA batteries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p7owc/even_though_its_a_surplus_store_im_pretty_proud/
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There was a pun competition run by my local newspaper last week.

The prize was $100, so I was really excited, and entered my 10 best puns.
I checked hopefully this morning to see if any of my puns had won, but no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p7mqb/there_was_a_pun_competition_run_by_my_local/
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A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster.

When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it.
One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, "How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I hadn't been looking after it?"
The child replied, "Um, I don't know. Once?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p7hzv/a_child_was_continually_asking_his_mom_to_buy_him/
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A boy gets into a horrible accident and ends up losing an eyeball

So him and his father go to the hospital and ask the doctor what type of options they have for a fake eye.
The doctor says, "well we have a nice plastic one that looks very real and it's great quality. Its 20 grand."
The dad says, "that's a little too much for us. Any other options?"
The doctor says, "well we have a stainless steel one. It's heavy, and doesn't look as real but that's 15 grand."
The dad replies with, "thats still too much for us. Any other options?"
The doctor tells them about a wooden eye. "Its uncomfortable, needs to be cleaned very often and looks horrible. But it's only 5 grand."
The dad says, "we'll take it!"
The poor boy goes to school a couple weeks later and everyone starts making fun of him.
"Hahaha, look at wood-eye! What a loser! Wood-eye, wood-eye, wood-eye!"
This bothers him to no end, but he still goes to school. There's a dance at the end of the year, and all of the boys are one side of the gym while all of the girls are standing on the other side. Wood-eye sees a girl standing there, not the prettiest girl he's ever seen. She's standing all alone, and realizes that her face looks like a vagina. He thinks, "that must be the girl that everyone calls cunt-face." So he thought about it longer and thinks, "well it couldn't hurt to try. She might be a nice girl."
He goes up to her in the corner while she's standing all alone and says, "miss, would you like to dance with me?"
She replies with, "would I!"
He looks shocked and says, "fuck you, cunt-face!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p7hw2/a_boy_gets_into_a_horrible_accident_and_ends_up/
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A teacher calls her first grade class

from recess. She goes up to little Kally and asked, "Kally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Jilly. "Jilly, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Kally." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Jilly and Kally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p7f6y/a_teacher_calls_her_first_grade_class/
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Hear about the male fly who dressed up in a white tux?

He was pretty white for a fly guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p7bhk/hear_about_the_male_fly_who_dressed_up_in_a_white/
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How does a Alabama girl friendzone her boy friend?

Let's just be cousins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p7abz/how_does_a_alabama_girl_friendzone_her_boy_friend/
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A man ran out of his house with his dog in excitement....

"ATTENTION! ATTENTION EVERYONE! I HAVE AN AMAZING ANNOUNCEMENT!" He screamed to his neighbourhood.
Confused and intrigued, the entire neighbourhood came out of their house.
"What's going on?" One of them asked.
"After ten years of vigorous training, I've finally taught my dog how to speak English!!"
Some people snickered, others rolled their eyes.
"Well, come on then. Prove it to us," one of them taunted.
"Scruffy! What's on trees??"
The dog replied "BARK!"
Everyone rolled their eyes and started walking away, thinking that this man had just wasted their time.
"NO WAIT! He can say more!" The man insisted desperately. "Scruffy! How does sandpaper feel?"
The dog replied "Ruff!"
"Your dog's just barking. He's not actually speaking english, you idiot," one of them yelled as they all started walking back to their house. The man's head hung low in embarrassment as he watched everyone walk back to their house in disgust.
"Well, that didn't go so well aye?" Scruffy said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p77jp/a_man_ran_out_of_his_house_with_his_dog_in/
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Stopping graffiti has become unmanageable around here

So far the only effort to reduce it has been a complete wash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p77di/stopping_graffiti_has_become_unmanageable_around/
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Heard this joke from a little kid. Why was the broken phonograph in the Hall of Fame?

Because it broke all the records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p757h/heard_this_joke_from_a_little_kid_why_was_the/
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Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didnt have any tampons to use and she was on the rag.
Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldnt be good." Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.
Midnight comes along...no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!
Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. "Where the hell have you been?!?" To which Cinderella replies, "I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got into a serious bang session. The Fairy Godmother, perplexed, asks Cinderella, “What was his name?” to which Cinderella replied, “I’m pretty sure His name was Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p71lq/peter_peter_pumpkin_eater/
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My friend thinks I'm gay for liking transexual porn,

But that's ridiculous - if anything I find the transexuals in those videos less attractive than the men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p715t/my_friend_thinks_im_gay_for_liking_transexual_porn/
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4 Nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven...

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The first nun responds "Yes I have, I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The first nun gladly follows the instructions and proceeds to enter Heaven.
St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The second nun replies hesitantly, "Yes, I have touched a penis with my whole hand."
St. Peter smiles and says, "Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven.
At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says "Listen, I better go next because I'm not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p6yhc/4_nuns_arrive_at_the_pearly_gates_of_heaven/
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I like my friends like I like my insurance...

With benefits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p6v63/i_like_my_friends_like_i_like_my_insurance/
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What do you call an Anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p6sjw/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_girl_with_a_yeast/
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A guy gets a worm parasite...

A guy goes on a mission trip and contracts a gnarly parasite worm. Every doctor tells him he's done for and the worm will starve him to death, but a friend of his who used to go on mission trips tells him about this doctor that has a technique to get rid of the worm, but warns him that the doctor is quite unusual.
The next day, the guy goes in for an appointment, and after a short interview the doctor says: "good news, I take care of these worms all the time, it's a 30 day treatment. Everyday you come in for the treatment you'll need to bring: a carrot, a bottle of coke, and a cupcake" the guy asks the doctor what those are for, but the doctor says not to question him, there is no time to waste.
Right the next day the guy shows up at the office with the carrot, the coke, and the cupcake. The doctor tells him to pull his pants down and bend over the table, and before the guy has time to think about it, the doctor shoves the carrot up the guy's butt, followed quickly by the coke and the cupcake. The guy obviously freaks the fuck out, but the doctor tells him to calm down "do you want to live or not? Shut the fuck up and let me do this".
The guy is desperate, so he puts up with the treatment. On the 29th day, after shoving the carrot, the coke, and the cupcake; the doctor tells him: "we are almost done, tomorrow, bring the carrot, the coke, but instead of a cupcake, bring a hammer" the guy freaks out once more, but the doctor yells at him again, "do you wanna live? TRUST ME"
On the 30th and final appointment, the guy shows up with a bag with the carrot, the coke, and the hammer. He pulls down his pants and bends over as always, then the doctor shoves in the carrot, then the coke, and grabs the hammer, after a second or two, the worm pokes his head out of the guy's butt and says "where's the cupcake?" and BAM! the doctor gets him with the hammer.
***Edited some spelling***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p6qtd/a_guy_gets_a_worm_parasite/
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p6q29/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an_insomniac_a/
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What’s Long, Hard and full of Semen?

A Submarine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p6pn3/whats_long_hard_and_full_of_semen/
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Why is it a bad idea to confide in a clock?

Time will tell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p6php/why_is_it_a_bad_idea_to_confide_in_a_clock/
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My wife and I decided not to have kids.

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p6p37/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
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A blonde and a lawyer

are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p6mpk/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer/
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Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it, lets do it

Let's go hurtling straight into a sliding glass door and die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p6ekb/birds_do_it_bees_do_it_even_educated_fleas_do_it/
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How does a T-Rex like its meat?

Rawwwwwww!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p6bl1/how_does_a_trex_like_its_meat/
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A police officer turned on his lights, pulled me over, walked to my window and said "papers?"

I looked at him with a smile and said "Scissors, I win." and drove off.
I think he wants to do best out of 3 because he's been chasing me for an hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p65m7/a_police_officer_turned_on_his_lights_pulled_me/
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A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache.  When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast.  Love you!"
He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing last night and that they aren't very comfortable.
He goes down to the kitchen to find his wife humming happily to herself and dancing around in her apron.  Upon seeing her husband,  she dances up to him and gives him a loving kiss, and says "go wait in the dining room.  Breakfast will be ready soon!"
So he goes and waits in the dining room.  The man's son is also sitting there.  He quietly asks his son, "Hey, do you know what's up with mom?"
The boy looked up and said, "well dad do you remember coming home drunk last night?  You were pretty out of it.  You went upstairs and crawled in bed with mom.  Well, you were still in your jeans and shirt and mom didn't think that was very comfortable so she decided to help you get undressed for bed.  She couldn't though, because every time she tugged on your shirt, you would push her away and yell 'get off me lady! I'm married!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p656e/a_man_wakes_up_after_a_night_of_drinking_to_see_a/
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A woman wakes up hysterically laughing...

Her husband, hearing the laughter, immediately asks her what she finds to be so funny. “I had the craziest dream,” the wife says. “ I dreamt I was at a penis auction. The nicest penises were selling for $1,000 a piece, the ok penises were selling for $100, and the meh penises were selling for around $10.”  The husband starts chuckling and says, “how much did my penis sell for?”  The wife laughs and says “your penis didn’t even get a single bid!”  Dejected, the husband rolls over and goes back to sleep.
The next morning, the husband wakes up hysterically laughing. His wife, hearing the laughter, rolls over and asks what he finds to be so funny. “I had the craziest dream,” the husband says. “ I dreamt I was at a vagina auction. The nicest vaginas were selling for $1,000 a piece, the ok vaginas were selling for $100, and the meh vaginas were selling for around $10.”  The the wife asks, “how much did my vagina sell for?”  The husband laughs and says “your vagina is where we held the auction!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p62n5/a_woman_wakes_up_hysterically_laughing/
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Judge: Well, we have 10 witnesses who saw you steal.

Prisoner: Maybe, your Honour, but I can give u 20 witnesses who did not see me steal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p5x8d/judge_well_we_have_10_witnesses_who_saw_you_steal/
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?

One’s a GoodYear, the other’s a Great Year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p5v14/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365/
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Heard about that new band called 1023 MB?

They haven't had any gigs yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p5rm1/heard_about_that_new_band_called_1023_mb/
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I like my porn the same way I like my women.

Virus free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p5qtm/i_like_my_porn_the_same_way_i_like_my_women/
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A woman walks into a Jamaican nudist bar

A woman vacationing in Jamaica walks into a nudist bar and approaches two guys.  She notices that both the white guy and the Jamaican guy have W Y tattooed on their penises.  She asks the white guy why he has W Y tattooed on his dick and he says “because when I’m erect it says Wendy my girlfriends name..”. The woman replies to the Jamaican guy “you must have a girlfriend named Wendy also!”  The Jamaican says no my tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p5p75/a_woman_walks_into_a_jamaican_nudist_bar/
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Mick and paddy are sitting in a plane when Mick turns to paddy and says "Paddy, if this plane turned upside down, do you think we'd fall out"

Paddy replies "not at all Mick, I reckon we'd still be mates"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p5myy/mick_and_paddy_are_sitting_in_a_plane_when_mick/
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Father's Occupation

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, ma'am" said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p5m0x/fathers_occupation/
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A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"
A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f\*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p5jmh/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
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Two farmer brothers were being recognized for their contributions to the Kingdom...

The king and his daughter came to their farmlands personally to thank them for getting the Kingdom through a tough winter.
The brothers gave them their house for the night and slept in the barn. The king's daughter, who was an early riser, set out for a walking tour of the property at first light. When she entered the barn, the brothers woke up and took advantage of the beautiful girl. She, afterward, ran away crying to her father.
The two brothers were brought before the king by his Royal Guard. The king said, "I know what you did and despite your contributions, you will be punished."
"The first part of your punishment is to go out in your farmlands and pick 100 of your favorite fruit. Bring those fruits back to me quickly for your lives depend on it."
The first brother runs quickly to the vineyard and begins gathering grapes. He knows they are in season and he can gather 100 in short order. He brings his basket of grapes to the king.
The king says, "Excellent work. Now you must put all 100 of these grapes up your ass. I probably don't need to mention that your life depends on it."
The brother sees the king is serious and eyes the guards' sharp spears and begins his task. Things seem to be going well. However, the brother gets to 85 grapes and starts laughing and they all fall out. The king says, "I don't know what could be funny at a time like this but I will only give you one more chance."
The man begins again. This time he gets to 99 grapes, but again he starts laughing and they all fall out. The king is furious and demands, "Tell me what is so funny before I have your head cut off!" The man, still laughing, says, "I'm sorry your majesty. I just kept looking out the window at my brother running back and forth in the watermelon patch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p5i9c/two_farmer_brothers_were_being_recognized_for/
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A teacher asked her students a question

"Stand up if you think you're stupid."
The room was quiet for a bit, then one boy stood up.
"Do you think your stupid, James?", asked the teacher.
"No," replied James.
"Why did you stand up then?" asked the teacher.
"I didn't want you to be standing alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p5fo7/a_teacher_asked_her_students_a_question/
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Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I just think marathons are *way* too much running

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p5bop/is_it_wrong_to_hate_an_entire_race/
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Two men are sitting at a bar when a news report comes on...

The TV grabs the men's attention as the reporter begins taking about a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The first man, having a taste for gallows humor, bets the second man $10 that he'll jump. The second man agrees and they continue drinking and watching the TV. About 10 minutes later the man jumps of the bridge, and the second man at the bar begins to take out his wallet.
"No, no," says the first man,"I saw the report earlier tonight, I knew he was going to jump the whole time."
"I saw it too," says the second man "I just didn't think he was stupid enough to do it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p58va/two_men_are_sitting_at_a_bar_when_a_news_report/
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[religious] [nsfw] a priest is driving a nun home.

On the way, he puts his hand on her leg. Noticing this, the nun says, "Father, remember Luke 14:10." The priest apologizes and returns his hand to the wheel.
A few minutes later he tries again, sliding his hand higher up her leg. Again, the nun says, "Father, remember Luke 14:10." "The flesh is weak," he says, and withdraws his hand.
When the priest gets home, he opens his Bible to Luke 14:10 -- "Friend, come up higher, then shalt thou have glory."
Credit goes to the movie Miss Sloane, which I whole heartedly recommend :) plus she tells it better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p58qr/religious_nsfw_a_priest_is_driving_a_nun_home/
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Got fired at the bank today

And old lady asked for me to check her balance so i pushed her ovwr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p53qn/got_fired_at_the_bank_today/
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My favorite one liner

1. ____________________

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p51rv/my_favorite_one_liner/
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What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy?

Romance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p51ma/what_do_you_call_a_couple_of_ants_sharing_a_slice/
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I wrote a script for a film about a female dog who can howl the exact note you play on your piano.

It’s called, “Bitch Perfect.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p506h/i_wrote_a_script_for_a_film_about_a_female_dog/
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I recently tried the fruitarian diet, where you can only eat things that fall from trees

I only lasted a day. All I had was 3 apples and an owl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p4yin/i_recently_tried_the_fruitarian_diet_where_you/
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What’s the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

Same thing. One’s just down under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p4xqq/whats_the_difference_between_a_french_kiss_and_an/
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Arthur getting his weekly shopping

Arthur was an elderly man, he lived in a small coastal town in Scotland called Montrose. Generally he was a quiet and well respected member of the community. That was before the incident.
It happened back in the late 90s. Arthur had been at Tesco, the local supermarket, and had just finished getting his weekly groceries. Back then it was very common that you needed a pound coin to unlock the shopping cart. And Arthur was in the midst of returning his shopping cart in exchange for his original pound coin, when he was approached by 3 young boys. The boys wanted Arthur's pound coin, and they'd threatened him. "Geez yer quid, or we'll chib ye", the local dialect which translates to, "Give us your pound, of we'll stab you".
Arthur took personal offense. He had always claimed he never knew what came over him. But Arthur attacked the boys, and brutally strangled all 3 of them to death.
The local news had never seen a story like it in such a small town. And the following day, they published their story: 'Arty-Chokes 3 for a pound at Tesco'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p4wad/arthur_getting_his_weekly_shopping/
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A group of students were in a morgue...

A group of students were in a morgue. They were eager to learn more from their professor. He stood at the front of the class right next to a fresh corpse.
He turned to the class and said
“The first rule of my class is to be totally devoted to the class. I need you to each do exactly as I do.”
He got the usual nodding and murmuring but nothing special. So he took his index finger and rammed it up the ass of the corpse. He then proceeded to take his finger and suck it, much to the horror of the class.
He lined the students up and asked them to do the same, following the first rule. They each reluctantly agreed and set about the hideous task. A few students fainted and more threw up.
After regaining the attention of the class, the professor continued.
“The second rule of my class is observation. For you see I put my index finger in the ass of the corpse, but I sucked my other finger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p4rlz/a_group_of_students_were_in_a_morgue/
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Hitler and the Devil are bored in hell. [NSFW]

So the Satan and Hitler are chillin in hell. Hitler mentions "Damn dude im so bored what is there to do around here?"
Satan just says "I know exactly what to do!" and waves at Hitler to follow him.
They enter a dark room, when Satan sparks up the lights Hitler sees a huge furnace in the middle of the room! "WTF is this??" he asks, Satan just says "wait here". With a huge smirk he goes over to a wall with a lever and he pulls it. All of a sudden 1000 Jews fall into the furnace! Hitler says "HELL YEAH it's my turn!!". He goes to pull the lever and another 1000 Jews fall into the furnace.
Satan says "Haha alright man lets get out of here." "Come on just one more time pleeeaassee!" asks Hitler.
"Fine once more then we leave."
So he pulls the lever and 1000 Mexicans fall into the furnace.
Hitler shocked af "WTF was that dude??"
"Shit man i'm sorry I forgot. Every 2000 Jews we have to grease the furnace."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p4qqe/hitler_and_the_devil_are_bored_in_hell_nsfw/
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What did the beaver say after it hit a wall?

Dam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p4qcv/what_did_the_beaver_say_after_it_hit_a_wall/
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It was their wedding night. . .

And the inexperienced couple had never undressed in front of each other.  As the new groom slipped off his shoes and socks, his bride couldn't help but notice how terribly deformed his feet were.
"My goodness, Dear, whatever happened to your feet"
"Well, my love, I never mentioned this to you, but as an infant, I had Toe\-lio."
"Toe\-lio? Really?" Well she had never heard of that disease, but she loved her husband dearly and wasn't about to let his ugly feet spoil their special night. But by now, he had removed his trousers, and, when he turned to face her, her eyes went immediately to his hideously scarred legs and knees.
"My Darling, I see that you have noticed my legs.  They are not a pretty sight. You see, when I was a young lad, I was afflicted with an awful case of. . .Knee\-sles."
"Knee\-sles. Hmm. I'm afraid I've never heard of that one either."
Well, the young bride was certainly getting an education this evening, although not the one that her mother had prepared her for. Finally though, her new husband was completely undressed. She looked over at what he had just uncovered and said,. . .
"I know. Don't tell me: Small\-cox"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p4n15/it_was_their_wedding_night/
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How to tell ant gender

Put the ant in water and if it sinks, it's a girl ant.  If it floats, boy ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p4jtv/how_to_tell_ant_gender/
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A woman approaches me as I'm playing my guitar. "Excuse me, is that a Squier Stratocaster?" I may have overreacted when I responded:

"DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY FENDER?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p4jq7/a_woman_approaches_me_as_im_playing_my_guitar/
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The AC went out at my house.

Not cool man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p4d4t/the_ac_went_out_at_my_house/
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Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers...

She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."
Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter replies, "Because I needed to." The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, "It must just be a sad coincidence."
That night he tucks his daughter into bed again and once again he hears her saying her prayers. She says, "God bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma." Bill is now really worried and thinking to himself, "Can my daughter really see into the future?" The next day, grandma dies and now Bill is convinced his daughter can predict the future.
For the rest of the week nothing happens, but on the Sunday night as Bill leaves his daughter's bedroom he waits outside and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, he hears her say, "God bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy." Now Bill is really panicking and thinking, '"Oh God, I'm going to die tomorrow!"
The following day Bill is in a complete mess all day in work; a real nervous wreck. He constantly checks the clock, looks around the room and is on edge all the time expecting to die at any moment. He is so nervous that he doesn't leave the office until it's past midnight. Once it turns midnight he says to himself with relief, "How is this possible? I should be dead!" He goes home and walks into the house to find his wife sitting on the sofa with a scared look on her face. She asks him, "Where have you been? What took you so long?"
Bill replies, "Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days" and he is just about to tell her what has happened when she starts crying and bursts out, "I saw the mailman die yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p4apx/bill_is_putting_his_young_daughter_to_bed_one/
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"Magic Beer"

A guy guy goes in to a bar.  One other guy sits at the bar and the bartender.  The guy downs his beer and says how delicious it was.
"Whatcha drinking?"
"I'm glad you asked me!"  he winks at the bartender,  who rolls his eyes. "It's Magic Beer"
"Bullshit..."
The guy at the bar stands up, straightens his tie, walks over to the open window behind them, and jumps out. Flies around a few buildings, walks back in the front door and sits back down.
"OMG! I want what he's having!"
The bartender had already drawn a beer, shaking his head handed it over.
The guy dri ks it down, walks to the same window, and jumps. Falls straight to the ground.
Bartender says, "You're a real dick when you drink, Clark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p43oh/magic_beer/
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A blond city girl named Amy marries a Wisconsin farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to her,  "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.  Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
The farmer leaves for the fields.  After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.  Amy takes him down to the barn.  They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know.  How would you know this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder......
"I guess it's to hang your pants on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p43kn/a_blond_city_girl_named_amy_marries_a_wisconsin/
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I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both left handed...

On one hand it's great, but on the other it's just not right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p42dr/i_got_a_new_pair_of_gloves_today_but_theyre_both/
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[Blonde] What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p3vxt/blonde_what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_2_brain/
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My coworker keeps trying to blatantly steal my chair while I'm supposed to be working.

I won't stand for this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p3to5/my_coworker_keeps_trying_to_blatantly_steal_my/
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How do Australians have sex?

They mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p3nar/how_do_australians_have_sex/
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If you are using super-glue and accidentally glue the tip of your penis

Urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p3mia/if_you_are_using_superglue_and_accidentally_glue/
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p3i25/why_does_snoop_dogg_carry_an_umbrella/
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It’s a good thing the popular sports drink was invented at Florida instead of Florida State...

Because “Gatorade” is a much better name than “Seminole Fluid”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p3eri/its_a_good_thing_the_popular_sports_drink_was/
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I'm a 25 year old virgin and I'm hoping that this is the year I get laid. My dad said he'd buy me an escort...

It's nice of him, but to be honest I don't see how a crappy old Ford is gonna help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p3csp/im_a_25_year_old_virgin_and_im_hoping_that_this/
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No, you haven't invented a new colour...

It's just a pigment of your imagination!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p3byu/no_you_havent_invented_a_new_colour/
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Children are like problems.

I only care about mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p3av2/children_are_like_problems/
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Guy meets a girl at the bar...

... and they get along really well. They decide to take it back to her place. On the cab ride they get frisky, the elevator ride up they're getting riled up, and by the time they get in the door they strip off in a mad fit of passion and drop to the floor right there, going at it at her request.
The guy notices, and with a lot of satisfaction, on every thrust she's curling her toes. Before he can finish congratulating himself, she says, "Oh hey, uh no, just stop. Stop."
The man stops with a puzzled look, asks, "What's wrong? I thought you were enjoying yourself? I've never made someone curl their toes before."
"Yeah, well, I would be. If you let me take my pantyhose off first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p34go/guy_meets_a_girl_at_the_bar/
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I was going to make a joke about how i was abused..

But my father beat me to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p31nb/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_how_i_was_abused/
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J.R. Smith can't wait for the NBA Finals to end tonight...

He thinks Cleveland is up 3-1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p316i/jr_smith_cant_wait_for_the_nba_finals_to_end/
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First impression (NSFW)?

A guy meets a girl at a bar, and they're having a good time. So, they decide to head over to his place. As he is about to open the door, she takes a step back and looks at him.
"What are you doing looking at me like that?"
"Oh, I can tell a lot about how a man makes love by how he opens his door."
"Huh. I've never heard that before. What do you mean?"
She smiles and says, "For example, he could fumble around for his keys, take a few tries to get it in the lock? That's inexperience, and that's not for me. On the other hand, if he grabs the right key, rams it in the lock and flings open the door, that's too rough and that's also not for me." Coyly with a playful grin she asks, "So... how do you open the lock?"
The man thinks for a minute, then he gets on his knees and licks the lock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p30cn/first_impression_nsfw/
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When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.
On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”
On a branch in the tree next to the pond was a bird watching the frog below. The bird thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower that frog would jump out over the pond and I’ll sweep down to snatch that frog and eat it for my lunch.”
The bird was unaware of a cat on a higher branch in that tree next to the pond. The cat was watching what was transpiring below and thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower that frog would jump up to catch it and as soon as that bird takes off to catch the frog I’ll jump off this branch to catch it in mid flight to eat it for my lunch.”
A moment later the buzzing fly flew a little lower and the frog leapt up to catch it. The bird swooped down to catch the frog. The cat pounced after the bird, jumping out over the pond...and missed.
And do you know the morale of the story?
When the fly drops the pussy’s going to get wet.
On a side note: I didn’t know at the time why my mother was unhappy with my grandfather when I told the joke later that day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p2zl2/when_i_was_eight_my_grandfather_told_me/
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An Irishman is talking with an American at a Music Festival

Irishman: I tell ya man it sucks that we're not allowed to bring our own beer into this festival. All of the beer here is so goddamn overpriced.
American: I know what you mean my friend, so in this case I'll help you out.
*The American pulls out a pair of binoculars and un caps the lenses to reveal alcohol*
American: These custom made binoculars are perfect for smuggling two cans worth of beer practically anywhere that prohibits bringing in your own alchohol
Irishman: Wow that's genius! Nobody would ever suspect someone to be smuggling alcohol through binoculars!
American: Yep, my buddy a few miles south from here makes these products for a living.
*The American hands the Irishman a business card with an address. The next day at the music festival the Irishman returns to the American upset and empty handed on alcohol*
American: What's wrong my friend?
Irishman: The binoculars didn't work, instead all they did was raise more attention to me.
American: But how?
Irishman: I don't know but the security people at the entrance said that "I looked suspicious with those binoculars," so they confiscated all 50 of my binoculars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p2yi3/an_irishman_is_talking_with_an_american_at_a/
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A man is driving to a big city

But he has to go through a desert. His car beaks down on the way and he realizes there is now way for him to fix it. He starts to walk when he sees a snake rise out of a hole. The snake speaks to him.
“I see you are tired. I will grant you three wishes. The first is free, but the second comes with secrecy and the third with a favor.”
So the man says, “Alright, I wish I was in the city!”
The snake (whose name is Nate) says, “Your wish is granted.”
The man instantly appears in a bustling city crowd. He has a mechanic fix his car, and is driving around when he decides to go back for the second and third wishes.
He finds the snake hole and the snake rises out.
“What are your wishes?”
The man wishes for infinite money and to be the smartest man in the universe.
The snake grants these but then reminds the man that the third wish comes with a favor. The snake says that he is guarding a magic lever, that, if it is pulled, it will destroy the universe. He is going to be succeeded by his son one day, and he wants the man to show his little snake son what he will one day protect.
So the man and the little snake travel for ten years, seeing all of the countries and people, and finally they return. As the man is driving back into the valley, he looses control of his car. Hearing them coming, Nate rises out of his hole, and is instantly killed by the car, which is subsequently put back under control. The man looks to the little snake, whose father, Nate, had just been killed, and says,
“Well, better Nate than lever.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p2y2m/a_man_is_driving_to_a_big_city/
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A scientist friend of mine went to a meeting

This meeting was for the U.S. Army to start training and using more types of animals in
combat. He goes to the meeting because they think he can help train the animals. When he gets to the building, he asks the receptionist where the meeting is. She replies that the meeting is on floor 101 and the elevator is broken. So he trudges up the flights of stairs all the way to floor 101.
When he gets there, a general walks up to him. He tells the scientist that the prototype animal is in the other room. He can study it, take notes, whatever he wants, as long as he does not touch the animal.
He goes to the other room and sees a hulking gorilla standing stock-still in a cage. The gorilla doesn’t even blink. He spends the rest of the afternoon studying it, and it never moves. After everybody else leaves, the general says that the man can stay as long as he wants, provided he does not touch the gorilla.
The scientist stays and studies more, until he finally gets curious and goes up to the gorilla and ever so slightly brushes it on the shoulder. The gorilla does nothing, so the man assumes it’s ok. As he packs up to leave, he hears the cage bars being wrenched apart and the gorilla roar.
The man starts to run and the gorilla chases him. He runs down many flights of stairs until he gets to floor 52, which is an office complex. He runs to the corner of the room and hides under the farthest desk.
A few seconds later, the gorilla comes into the room and starts destroying everything, until the last thing intact is the desk where the scientist is hiding. The gorilla walks up the the desk, lifts it up and moves it, and stares at the scientist’s cowering figure for a second before lightly tapping the scientist on the chest and saying, “Tag, you’re it.”
(If this is already here, I do not know. This is not a repost. It was told to me by a friend IRL).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p2tiq/a_scientist_friend_of_mine_went_to_a_meeting/
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My penis was once in the Guinness World Records.

Until the librarian told me to take it out.
Edit : Thank You Very Very Much Kind Strangers..
This Is My First Gold.
I Can't Even Express My Joy About This.
Thanks Again Guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p2tid/my_penis_was_once_in_the_guinness_world_records/
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If the Doctor doesn’t show up to your surgery

You’re legally allowed to die in 15 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p2ltk/if_the_doctor_doesnt_show_up_to_your_surgery/
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Did you hear about the archeologist who accidentally destroyed his dig site?

His career is in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p2l0d/did_you_hear_about_the_archeologist_who/
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Buyer beware

A man wants to purchase some farmland, but is wary of the bees on the property.  The farmer thinks the bees are harmless so he makes the prospective buyer a deal: he'll tie the buyer naked to a tree that has a bee hive for an hour, and if any bee stings him, the farmer will GIVE him the land for free.
The farmer ties the buyer up and leaves. He comes back an hour later and finds the buyer nearly unconscious.   The farmer asks, "Are you all right?"
The reply: "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p2j2q/buyer_beware/
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I finally paid off my student debt.

To celebrate, I decided to go to a concert. It was Post Malone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p2ffm/i_finally_paid_off_my_student_debt/
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A nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

The nurse looks at the thermometer and says “some asshole has my pen”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p2ccq/a_nurse_reaches_into_her_pocket_and_pulls_out_a/
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Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p2asa/man_doctor_all_five_of_my_boys_want_to_be_valets/
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My friend David recently had his ID stolen.

Now I call him Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p26sx/my_friend_david_recently_had_his_id_stolen/
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I asked a fraternity member for an pamphlet about his chapter.

He said, "Bro, sure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p1ydj/i_asked_a_fraternity_member_for_an_pamphlet_about/
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Three bums and a whorehouse [NSFW]

Heard this joke several years ago, so can't take credit for writing it. Also checked back to see if it was already posted before (doesn't appear to be). It's a little long.
Three bums are sitting on a bench at a park just across the road from a whorehouse.
The first bum says to the other two, "I think I'm going to go over there and get me some action.". He walks across the road and comes back a few minutes later with a smile on his face.
The other two bums curious of his endeavors ask him what happened to him. He replies to them, "Well my lovely lady put a pineapple ring around my pecker, and she ate it off!".
The other two bums got excited and so with delight, the second bum said he'd try his luck as well. He left them and headed towards the whorehouse.
A few minutes later he comes back to them with a big smile on his face and the other two bums question his endeavors. The second bum told them, "My lovely lady put two pineapple rings around my pecker and she ate them off!"
The third bum unable to stand being left out raced across the road to the whorehouse, and after several minutes walked out with the biggest smile on his face of them all.
The first and second bums earnestly wanted to know what happened and so the third bum told them, still smiling, "Well my lovely lady put THREE pineapple rings around my pecker, whipped cream and a cherry on top!  Looked so good, I ate it myself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p1xb7/three_bums_and_a_whorehouse_nsfw/
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My city is handing out free healthcare products to women,

Free tampons? No strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p1w65/my_city_is_handing_out_free_healthcare_products/
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You wanna know why the call me the toolbox?

Because I screw, then I nut, and then I bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p1utq/you_wanna_know_why_the_call_me_the_toolbox/
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Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?

He was declared to be in Seine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p1umx/did_you_hear_about_the_frenchman_who_jumped_into/
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A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.

He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p1tdy/a_married_couple_of_20_years_were_as_normal_as/
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I saw an invisible midget today

He was nothing short of amazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p1sb9/i_saw_an_invisible_midget_today/
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It's interesting how different parts of the country have different ways of saying the same thing.

For instance, in most parts of the country, having an income of $100k or more is called "making six figures".
However, here in San Francisco, we call that same thing "living above the poverty line".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p1qji/its_interesting_how_different_parts_of_the/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p1onv/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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An old farmer goes for his annual checkup at the doctor.

A old farmer goes for his annual checkup at the doctor.
His usual doctor retired so he seeing a new, younger one.
During the checkup, the doctor ask the farmer to remove his pants but realize that the farmer is not wearing any underwear.
- You don't have any underwear wear!
- What's an underwear?
- It's a piece of clothing that put on before your pants. It's cleaner, warmer and more comfortable.
The doctor finish the checkup and the farmer goes on his way home. But he keeps thinking about the underwear so he decides to buy some before going home.
The next day, he decides to try them as he starts his day and gets on his old tractor.
After a while, he feels a number 2 coming up. He stops his tractor in the middle of his field and does what he has done for many years: drop his pants, squat and do the deed. But he forgot the underwear. As he gets up he notice there's nothing on the ground.
- It really is cleaner!
As he gets back on his tractor and sit, he exclaim:
- And it really is warmer and more comfortable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p1ixj/an_old_farmer_goes_for_his_annual_checkup_at_the/
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Never been fucked

One day a guy is walking on the pier and sees a woman in a wheelchair crying. The man walks up to her to see if he can help.
"You see," the woman says through sobs, "I've been in a wheelchair since I was young and boys never paid me any attention. Can you believe I've never even been hugged by a boy?"
"That's terrible!" the man exclaims. "I will give you a hug." And he wraps her in his arms and she smiles warmly.
"You know what else? I've never even been kissed by a boy!" she exclaims.
"Unbelievable!" The man says. "I can kiss you if you'd like."
The wheelchair woman nods and he kisses her passionately.
"Oh boy!" The woman exclaims. "That was great! But you know what else?"
"No," replies the man with a gentle smile.
"I've never been fucked either," the woman says. "Do you think you could help me with that too?"
The man nods and smiles. He romantically picks her up and hurls her off the pier and into the ocean below.
"There you go! Now you're fucked!" the man yells at her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p1ge4/never_been_fucked/
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Ladies at the Golf Course

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stare in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, "He is definitely not my husband." The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, "He is not mine either." After a very considered inspection, the third finally says, "He's not even a member of this golf club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p1dto/ladies_at_the_golf_course/
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My two girlfriends

So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself.
Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?"
And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel.
So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh... No thanks, I'm good."
"Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out."
So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this."
So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner."
So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick.
A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it."
So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever.
So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream.
So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me."
I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well...alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow
So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again."
"Wait, what? Why not? What happened?"
"Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me."
"I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person"
"She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me."
"I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow."
I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on.
So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up.
Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her.
Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE.
And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p17gr/my_two_girlfriends/
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What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p0zql/whats_four_inches_long_two_inches_wide_and_drives/
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Mickey Mouse is requesting a divorce from Minnie Mouse

Mickey: (submits paperwork to judge)
Judge: I don't know if I can divorce you based on these grounds.
Mickey: What grounds?
Judge: That you say your wife is crazy.
Mickey: I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy.
(not my joke, just one of my favorites)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p0zh8/mickey_mouse_is_requesting_a_divorce_from_minnie/
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There is a woman with no arms and no legs crying on a bench at the local lake.

A man notices everyone just walking by her without stopping and starts to feel bad . He goes up to her sits down and says whats wrong ? "I have never even been hugged" she replied. So the man leans over and embraces her, yet she still crys .
What is bothering you now the man asks, "i have never been kissed" she replied.  So the man planted a big wet kiss right on her lips. Yet twenty seconds later she was full on crying again.
Annoyed and getting tired of listening to the woman cry he asks one more time is there anything i can do to make you stop crying ? " i have never been fucked" she replied so the man picked her up with his big strong arms and tossed her right into the lake and shouted as he ran away  "well i guess you are pretty fucked now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p0vk7/there_is_a_woman_with_no_arms_and_no_legs_crying/
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What happens when a Cuban gets a flat tire?

He drowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p0u7n/what_happens_when_a_cuban_gets_a_flat_tire/
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A redhead goes to buy a bull

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p0u72/a_redhead_goes_to_buy_a_bull/
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What is the difference between pink and purple?

Your grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p0tym/what_is_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p0tod/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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When can "Dad" jokes be retired?

When the kids are fully groan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p0nnj/when_can_dad_jokes_be_retired/
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I've decided to start a buisness selling hearing aids to pirates

I'm going to charge a buccaneer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p0nja/ive_decided_to_start_a_buisness_selling_hearing/
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My wife accused me of being immature

I told her to get the hell out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p0ixi/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
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I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p0if1/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
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"Your case is quite complicated."

Patient: Why doctor? What happened?
Doc: You have a disease from the chapter I skipped during my studies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p0ieg/your_case_is_quite_complicated/
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My wife and I are considering having an abortion

How do we tell the surrogate?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p0gw0/my_wife_and_i_are_considering_having_an_abortion/
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There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p0gti/there_are_3_men_on_a_boat_and_4_cigarettes_they/
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What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a superhero but Iron Woman just a simple command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p09ti/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
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What kind of animal has a dick on his back?

A police horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p09i3/what_kind_of_animal_has_a_dick_on_his_back/
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Gramma and laptop

My gramma thought my laptop was a scale
She weighed 300$

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p07b8/gramma_and_laptop/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8p016r/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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My wife suggested that it might be nice if I bought her some flowers for her birthday.

For some reason, she wasn't particularly happy when I handed over a bag of wholemeal, a bag of self raising and a bag of gluten free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ozz1r/my_wife_suggested_that_it_might_be_nice_if_i/
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These times are really rough for my midget friend

He's struggling to put food on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ozuxf/these_times_are_really_rough_for_my_midget_friend/
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Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oztg1/once_upon_a_time_in_the_magical_fantasy_kingdom/
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Seattle police just brutally beat a Chinese man after only asking his name.

“I have lost all faith in the local police.” Said the victim - Fuk Yu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ozrja/seattle_police_just_brutally_beat_a_chinese_man/
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Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ozpz0/why_do_walruses_love_a_tupperware_party/
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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom and my girlfriend whispered, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ozkdo/the_first_time_i_had_sex_it_was_in_my_parents/
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If the opening night of my marijuana-smoked beef restaurant isn’t a success, I could lose everything.

The steaks are so high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ozgyq/if_the_opening_night_of_my_marijuanasmoked_beef/
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not for the easily offended - one of my favorites

Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. "See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."
So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.
Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"
Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.
After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.
She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up."
Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!"
On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk."
They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.
"I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you."
"it's perfectly fine." he smiles.
"Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her legs it's hard to do in the truck.
She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."
So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.
After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.
"Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over.
Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?"
"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years."
Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it."
"No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging in the park."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ozghr/not_for_the_easily_offended_one_of_my_favorites/
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Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ozgga/two_immigrants_from_africa_arrive_in_the_united/
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saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ozfdr/saw_this_advert_in_a_window_that_said_television/
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A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning. The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ozeja/a_student_at_a_management_school_came_up_to_a/
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ozea8/what_do_chemists_call_a_benzene_ring_with_iron/
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I forgot my phone when I went to the toilet this morning.

We have 368 tiles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oz7b3/i_forgot_my_phone_when_i_went_to_the_toilet_this/
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What do you call it when you struggle to pee?

Urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oz1or/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_struggle_to_pee/
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What's the difference between an expert in five line poems and an expert in eating anus?

One will give you a limerick
The other will give your rim a lick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oz1lf/whats_the_difference_between_an_expert_in_five/
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The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked
"Very critical," said the officer.
"The fuck is she complaining about now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oz1kv/the_police_called_to_tell_me_that_my_wife_was_in/
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GOD: 8 ANGEL: 9!

GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk
ANGEL: 10 lol
GOD: 15!!
ANGEL \*mouthful of pizza\* 25
GOD: 30!!
CENTIPEDE: \*tearing up\* stop giving me legs, I look stupid
GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL
ANGEL: LMAO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oz0bx/god_8_angel_9/
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Why are there no Walmart stores in Afghanistan?

Because there's a target on every corner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oyxw7/why_are_there_no_walmart_stores_in_afghanistan/
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Do you know what drastically goes down during the summer?

School shootings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oytkl/do_you_know_what_drastically_goes_down_during_the/
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What's worst than having your mother in law swept out to Sea...

The wave brings her back
(I fucking hate that old bat)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oyc8z/whats_worst_than_having_your_mother_in_law_swept/
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My friend told me that paper is useless since he carries an ipad

When he asked for toilet paper i gave him his ipad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oy7fs/my_friend_told_me_that_paper_is_useless_since_he/
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Two Italian men get on a bus...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oy109/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
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A special group of polar bears that live in the Arctic and Antarctic have been seen with dual personalities and sexual attraction to both sexes..

I guess you could say they’re Bi-polar bipolar bi polar bears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oxydg/a_special_group_of_polar_bears_that_live_in_the/
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If I ever go to jail I want my nickname to be Mitochondria.

Because I'm the powerhouse of this cell!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oxvkh/if_i_ever_go_to_jail_i_want_my_nickname_to_be/
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I wish I could be fat for a day.

Being fat everyday sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oxux9/i_wish_i_could_be_fat_for_a_day/
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I don't get why wife hates me for being a lazy bum.

It's not like I did anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oxrbx/i_dont_get_why_wife_hates_me_for_being_a_lazy_bum/
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One night, as I was laying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself

“What the hell happened to the roof?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oxnxm/one_night_as_i_was_laying_in_bed_i_looked_up_at/
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How many emo teens does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they would rather sit in the dark and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oxn2o/how_many_emo_teens_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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My uncle always used to say, “Spare the rod, spoil the child!”

And then he’d fuck me in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oxlks/my_uncle_always_used_to_say_spare_the_rod_spoil/
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I have the most vivid memories from my infancy

They’re the breast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oxj3r/i_have_the_most_vivid_memories_from_my_infancy/
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I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went...

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oxijh/i_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_where_the_sun_went/
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When is the best time for a dad joke to retire?

When the kids are fully groan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oxi5g/when_is_the_best_time_for_a_dad_joke_to_retire/
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Why is Peter Pan always flying

becuase he neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oxdyv/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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What is Harry Potter’s favorite new app?

Spellcheck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oxcy6/what_is_harry_potters_favorite_new_app/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Texan, and a Mexican are on a plane.

The pilot says, “We don’t have enough fuel to make it, we will need to push out all of our cargo”
The people all push out every last seat and bag that they have, and the pilot regretfully tells them that it is not enough. He says, “3 of you 4 will have to jump out of this plane,”
The Englishman says, “My country is very noble, thus I shall take my life for you. Long live the queen!”
And he jumps.
The Frenchman, not to be outdone by the Englishman yells, “Viva la France!”
And he jumps.
Finally the Texan goes to the door and yells, “Remember the Alamo!”
And he throws out the Mexican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ox5wj/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_texan_and_a_mexican/
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Why don't skeletons play music in church?

Because they have no organs.
Edit i got this from a movie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ox5tp/why_dont_skeletons_play_music_in_church/
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I’ll admit that Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart

But doing it with their eyes closed... that’s a bit cocky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ox057/ill_admit_that_chinese_kids_in_math_class_are/
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What do turkeys make their streets out of?

Gobble-stones!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8owyol/what_do_turkeys_make_their_streets_out_of/
%
I have a confession to make...

I’m addicted to the hokie pokie.....
But hey it’s ok,  I’ve turned myself around.
And that’s really what it’s all about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8owx2a/i_have_a_confession_to_make/
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People who confuse etymology and entomology bug me in a way I can't put into words

thank you for making my day, u/happy_guy23

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8owwhh/people_who_confuse_etymology_and_entomology_bug/
%
Why do squirrels sleep on their stomach?

To keep their nuts warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8owvz4/why_do_squirrels_sleep_on_their_stomach/
%
What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8owvu3/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_rectal/
%
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

she laughed at me, and said
"Oh uncle j you're so old. Just use my bug spray."
How the hell am I supposed to call anyone using a bug spray?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8owtig/i_told_my_teenage_niece_to_go_get_me_a_phone_book/
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Abandoned slogan: “Become an organ donor...”

“...What have you got to lose?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8owrcg/abandoned_slogan_become_an_organ_donor/
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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE ADD:

1) Easily distracted
2) Frequently lose your train of thought 3) Unfinished projects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8owgxb/top_ten_signs_you_have_add/
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Why can’t you run through a campground ?

You can only ran because it’s past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8owb0e/why_cant_you_run_through_a_campground/
%
I just found out my girlfriend is deaf

I should have know, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ow5rj/i_just_found_out_my_girlfriend_is_deaf/
%
Why is the bathroom so quiet at your psychiatrist’s office?

Because the P is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ovuvi/why_is_the_bathroom_so_quiet_at_your/
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To the guy who stole my Microsoft Office pack

I will find you - you have my Word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ovukj/to_the_guy_who_stole_my_microsoft_office_pack/
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What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Yo mama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ovmt5/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs_ground_beef/
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Two goats chew on a VHS tape.

The first goat says "*This film is pretty good"* and the other one replies: "*Yeah, it's OK but the book was better."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ovh9t/two_goats_chew_on_a_vhs_tape/
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I've only told my closest friend that I lost my job as a film director.

##
## I don't want to make a scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ove65/ive_only_told_my_closest_friend_that_i_lost_my/
%
Whenever I introduce myself, I always bring up the titantic.

It's just such a good ice breaker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ovdr2/whenever_i_introduce_myself_i_always_bring_up_the/
%
A blonde works at a bank

and an old lady walks up.
Old Lady: Hello ma'am. Will you help me check my balance?
Blonde: Sure. No problem.
The blonde goes close to the old lady and pushes her. The old lady falls and gets hurt.
Blonde: I'd say it can be better.
Old lady: Ouch. Can you at least call 9\-11 for me?
Blonde: Sure.
A few minutes go by the blonde still is looking at the phone staring blankly.
Old lady: What happened?
Blonde: I can't find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ovcb2/a_blonde_works_at_a_bank/
%
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ovbdz/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop_and_the_barber/
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What do you call a bunch of ghosts that are your friends?

Hauntourage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ovadx/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_ghosts_that_are_your/
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To the people who said I can't count, I have one word for you:

Piss off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ov9y5/to_the_people_who_said_i_cant_count_i_have_one/
%
[NSFW] How did the fashion designer kill himself?

The Hemming Way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ov9vc/nsfw_how_did_the_fashion_designer_kill_himself/
%
I don’t like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ov2wk/i_dont_like_people_who_take_drugs/
%
A husband takes his wife to the disco...

There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, moonwalking, backflips, the works.
The wife turns to husband and says “See that guy? He proposed to me 25 years ago, and I turned him down.”
Husband says “Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ouztl/a_husband_takes_his_wife_to_the_disco/
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In my experience...

Cunnilingus is clit or miss.
And don’t get me started on eating ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ouzgk/in_my_experience/
%
An Italian man, a Mexican man and an American man are all sitting on a steel beam a couple hundred feet in the air.

Working as construction workers they all pull out thier lunches one at a time and the italian man is first to react:
"Damn. Spaghetti and meatballs again. I swear, if my wife makes spaghetti and meatballs for me one more time I'm going to jump off this beam to my death."
The Mexican is the next to react
"Damn. Tacos again. I swear, if i get tacos one more time I'm going to jump off this beam to my death."
The american is the last to react as he opens his lunch
"Damn. A bologna sandwich again. I get this every day. I swear, if i get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm going to jump off this beam to my death."
The next day they all apprehensively open thier lunches. Again, the italian got spaghetti, so he jumps off to his death. The Mexican again got tacos so he jumps off to his death and the american also got a bologna sandwich so he jumps off to his death.
A few weeks later at thier combined funerals the wives are grieving together. The Italians wife said "oh if only i'd made him something else to eat he might still be alive." the mexicans wife agrees "yes, if only i'd made something other than tacos i might still have my husband!"
The Americans wife looks confused "i don't understand.. Bob always made his own lunch.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ouyx3/an_italian_man_a_mexican_man_and_an_american_man/
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My Japanese colleague got really angry today after losing his battered prawns.

He really lost his tempura.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ouxty/my_japanese_colleague_got_really_angry_today/
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Help! My son admitted to us that he identifies as a crescent. What do I do?

My wife says it’s just a phase...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ouv1q/help_my_son_admitted_to_us_that_he_identifies_as/
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If the Stork brings good babies, and the Crow bring bad babies, what brings no babies?

The Swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ouu40/if_the_stork_brings_good_babies_and_the_crow/
%
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ousnd/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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My wife left me. She said It was because I never gave her any attention…

Or something like that?  I can’t remember.  I wasn’t listening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ous6x/my_wife_left_me_she_said_it_was_because_i_never/
%
When can a woman make you a millionaire?

When you are a billionaire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ous23/when_can_a_woman_make_you_a_millionaire/
%
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oupbm/why_is_it_so_hard_to_break_up_with_a_japanese_girl/
%
A dog walks into a bar

He gets 2 beers, and drinks them both. The Bartender says “Your cut off, you’ve had enough.” The dog says “I’ve only had 2 beers!” The bartender replies “Thats 14 in dog beers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ouo5y/a_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My wife suspected I was cheating, so to catch me she hired a prostitute to flash her breasts and try to seduce me.

I didn't fall for that shit... I can spot a booby trap a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oumge/my_wife_suspected_i_was_cheating_so_to_catch_me/
%
A Buddhist walks into pizza shop...

... and says make me one with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ouljy/a_buddhist_walks_into_pizza_shop/
%
Why did the nonbinary prospector move west in 1849?

Because there's gold in them/their hills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oukt7/why_did_the_nonbinary_prospector_move_west_in_1849/
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A man who abuses women goes to hell.

When he gets there, there's a row of giant demons with 18 inch dicks. A voice says "please proceed forward. Stop at every demon. When you get to the end you will be judged." So he goes to the first demon who proceeds to fuck him in the ass. The demon  punches him in the face when it's over. He proceeds to go to the next demon who does the same. The man says outloud "I do not deserve this." There's only silence. So he proceeds to go to each and every demon who proceed to fuck him in the ass, ending with a punch.
Once he gets to the end a demon wearing judges robes says " you're a real loser. Hitting and raping women for pleasure. You will walk up those same row of demons for eternity. Your life is a joke. And that over there" he points to the row of demons "is the fucking punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ouipz/a_man_who_abuses_women_goes_to_hell/
%
My ex-girlfriend saya she experiments with girls, once a week.

"She must be bi-weekly."
Just thought of this. Any input is welcomed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ouifb/my_exgirlfriend_saya_she_experiments_with_girls/
%
Throughout my life, I’ve alwways loathed elevators

Nowadays I’m taking steps to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oueap/throughout_my_life_ive_alwways_loathed_elevators/
%
You look like yeast

“Inbred”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oudb6/you_look_like_yeast/
%
An English man, Scottish man, and a Irish man were about to be executed by the firing squad.

They put the Englishman against the wall, when he says
"EARTH QUAKE!".
The firing squad start panicking, whilst the English man runs off.
They put the Scottish man against the wall, when he says
"FLOOD!".
The firing squad start panicking more, whilst he also runs off.
They put the Irish man against the wall, when he says
"FIRE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ou3lj/an_english_man_scottish_man_and_a_irish_man_were/
%
What's the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll develop a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ou1vh/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_yogurt/
%
The lawyer looked at his rich client and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news,"

The client said, "well gee, I guess lets here the good news first."
So the lawyer said "You're wife has found a picture worth $10 million."
The client replied, "Oh that's fantastic! But whats the bad news?"
"It's a picture of you and your secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ou0d3/the_lawyer_looked_at_his_rich_client_and_said_ive/
%
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oty9v/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8otwio/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
%
Post Malone Has Started His Own Student Loan Service in an Attempt to Lift the Burden Off of New Graduates

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8otveb/post_malone_has_started_his_own_student_loan/
%
We'll help you bring out your inner child...

Come to Midtown Abortion Clinic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8otvct/well_help_you_bring_out_your_inner_child/
%
What do you call it when Shakespeare has a wet dream?

Mid summer Night’s cream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8otv60/what_do_you_call_it_when_shakespeare_has_a_wet/
%
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This is not working"

I should probably contact a therapist to help with my relationship issues.  Maybe it's not too late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ottew/my_wife_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_that_said_this/
%
I always wondered how in Goldilocks, the same serving of porridge could be too hot, too cold and just right at the same time.

Then I remembered Hot Pockets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8otsyz/i_always_wondered_how_in_goldilocks_the_same/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

He says "ouch!" the bartender says "what happened" the guy says "I walked into your bar!"
The tender comes around and see's a piece of rebar sticking out of the wall. "Yikes, here come take a seat at the bar and ill pour you a drink"... He turns around to see the man sitting on the ground beneath the rebar.
"What the heck are you doing?"
"Well im sitting at your bar dummy!"
The bartender raises his eyebrows and grabs a putty knife and a container from behind the counter, next he pushes the rebar back into the drywall and hands the guy the two things.
"Well, if you are going to sit at my bar you might as well get plastered".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8otomv/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8otkm3/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
%
Life is like a Zelda Game. It doesn't have a tutorial...

...But it has a bunch of annoying guide characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8otjf2/life_is_like_a_zelda_game_it_doesnt_have_a/
%
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said
"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8otii4/i_told_my_teenage_niece_to_go_get_me_a_phone_book/
%
I won a vaping competition yesterday.

It was my greatest aspiration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8otgbd/i_won_a_vaping_competition_yesterday/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8otcn2/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
There's a rumor going around that someone in our friend group is gay.

I hope is Dillon, he's really cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8otcd5/theres_a_rumor_going_around_that_someone_in_our/
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I'm gonna start a secret porn industry and call it..

"the Illuminaughty"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ot80q/im_gonna_start_a_secret_porn_industry_and_call_it/
%
To do list-

(1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ot7pt/to_do_list/
%
Why is it called Boob Sweat.....

and not Humiditties?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ot6sd/why_is_it_called_boob_sweat/
%
My girlfriend says it's ok to have a small penis.

I still wish she didn't have one, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ot5bg/my_girlfriend_says_its_ok_to_have_a_small_penis/
%
‪There’s two things trump supporters hate:

being called a racist, and black people. ‬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ot51b/theres_two_things_trump_supporters_hate/
%
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding through the prairie

When all of a sudden Tonto stops and puts his ear to the ground. The Lone Ranger says, "What are you doing Tonto?" Tonto says,  “Keemosabi, buffalo come!" The Lone Ranger then says, "How can you tell?" Tonto replies, “Ear sticky."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ot3e8/the_lone_ranger_and_tonto_were_riding_through_the/
%
Now that women can drive in Saudi Arabia there are going to be more car accidents.

Because there are more drivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ot0q7/now_that_women_can_drive_in_saudi_arabia_there/
%
More jokes from my 5 year old. Who's a Stormtroopers favourite person?

Dan Dan Dan Dan Dan Dan Dan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oszq0/more_jokes_from_my_5_year_old_whos_a/
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Vampires are actually pretty good in bed

But it gets weird when you’re on your period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8osw8h/vampires_are_actually_pretty_good_in_bed/
%
The attorney tells his client the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is 130."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8osstg/the_attorney_tells_his_client_the_accused_i_have/
%
I got attacked by 3 blokes last night but managed to knock one out...

Probably wasn't the best time for a wank but it could have been my last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8osrcr/i_got_attacked_by_3_blokes_last_night_but_managed/
%
Englishman and welshman

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Yep."
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman: "Dog dont talk But."
Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welshman: (Look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse dont talk but."
Englishman: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheeps a fucking liar bud!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8osqxz/englishman_and_welshman/
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Change your race, change your worldview.

Two black guys, Leon and Ray Ray, are driving in the South. They pass a billboard that reads:
"Become white. Just 99 cents!!"
Leon says to Ray Ray, "Yo man, you see that shit?"
Ray Ray says, "Yeah, that was fucking weird."
They shrug it off and continue driving. Soon, they pass another billboard that reads:
"You can be white, too, for just 99 cents! Make the change!"
Leon says, "What the fuck? There's another one!"
Ray Ray says, "That's fucked up, man."
They continue driving. They then pass a third billboard, which reads:
"Become white now and get all the white privilege! Only 99 cents. Next exit!"
Leon says, "You know what man, being black in the US sucks. But being black in the South really sucks. Let's try it out?"
Ray Ray says, "You're right. I'm broke, unemployed, discriminated against all the time. Sick of this shit. I wouldn't mind some white privilege. Especially if it only costs 99 cents. Let's do it."
So Leon and Ray Ray get off at the next exit and find the white conversion facility.
Ray Ray empties his pockets to gather what little money he has.
"I've only got 98 cents", says Ray Ray.
"It's ok. I've got 1 dollar. I'll go in first, make the change, and then I'll have 1 cent as change. So I'll give you the change, which will give you 99 cents, and you can go in after me", says Leon.
"Ok, ok. That works. Good luck in there", says Ray Ray.
So Leon walks into the facility, visibly nervous. One hour passes. Then two. Then three. Ray Ray is starting to get concerned.
Suddenly, a tall white guy walks out of the facility. He has milky skin, blond hair, blue eyes, a striking blond beard, and he's wearing a seersucker suit and is holding a very fashionable leather briefcase.
Another man leans out of the facility and waves goodbye to the man leaving, "Good luck Leon! We hope you enjoy your new life!"
Excited, Ray Ray runs up to the new Leon and says, "Hey! Leon! Let me get that change man!"
Leon looks at Ray Ray with contempt and says, "Get a job, nigger."
(Credit: a very funny black guy at a dive bar in New Orleans. Thanks for the laughs.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8osqit/change_your_race_change_your_worldview/
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Why doesn’t Greece have executions with guns anymore?

Because bullets cost money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8osoz3/why_doesnt_greece_have_executions_with_guns/
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Crazy Vs Stupid

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to a Mental Hospital.
Just as he was about to leave, he discovered he had a flat tyre. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
Try as he might, he couldn't fish the bolts out. He was at his wits' end.
Just then one of the patients happened to stroll by and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought what the heck, there was nothing much he could do. So he explained what happened to the patient.
The patient laughed at him and  said, "You can't even fix such a simple problem... No wonder you are a truck driver....
Here's what you do. Take one bolt from each of the other three tyres and fix them on this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and get the missing ones replaced. Easy as that."
The driver was stunned. He turned to the patient and asked, "So if you're this smart, then why are you here at the Mental Hospital?"
The patient replied: "Hello... I am here because I'm CRAZY. Not because I'm STUPID!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8osjkd/crazy_vs_stupid/
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My dad suggested I register for a donor card

He's a man after my own heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8osgjv/my_dad_suggested_i_register_for_a_donor_card/
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My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...

It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8osfge/my_girlfriend_kept_insisting_that_i_give_her_a/
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What does an angry pepper do?

It gets jalapeño face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8os9sw/what_does_an_angry_pepper_do/
%
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig.

It's not a beautiful poem but it's very deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oryzz/i_dig_you_dig_we_dig_he_dig_she_dig_they_dig/
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I started a band called "1023 megabytes"

We haven't had any gigs yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8orym7/i_started_a_band_called_1023_megabytes/
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A man went to the doctor asking what he could do to live longer.

The doctor asked him some preliminary questions.
"Do you drink much?"
"No, Doctor."
"Do you smoke?"
"No, Doctor."
"Do you stay up late or go to wild parties?"
"No, Doctor."
"Do you eat fatty or sugary foods?"
"No, Doctor."
"Do you consume milk or dairy products?"
"No, Doctor."
"Do you eat meat?"
"No, Doctor."
The doctor continued to ask the man about his lifestyle, and found that the man was leading a very healthy life. At this, the doctor was perplexed.
"So is there a way I can live longer?" The man asked.
The doctor replied, "Perhaps - but why would you want to?" :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8orxio/a_man_went_to_the_doctor_asking_what_he_could_do/
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Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Blowjob, $20?"
I said, "Yeah, alright," and lead her into the alley.
I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two $10 notes and started pulling up her skirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8orjd2/last_night_i_came_out_of_a_nightclub_and_was/
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How many country musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the bulb and 5 to sing about how much they miss the old one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ori11/how_many_country_musicians_does_it_take_to_change/
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Why was the borrowed money sad?

It was a loan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8orhrg/why_was_the_borrowed_money_sad/
%
A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom,

he waits in the ticket line for a fairly long time, but he eventually gets the tickets. He goes to rent a limo,  the line for a limo rental was quite long, but he eventually gets one. He goes to buy her flowers,  the line at the florist is enormous, but he finally gets some. At prom she asks him to go get punch, he goes to the refreshments table and there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8orgh9/a_guy_is_taking_his_girlfriend_to_prom/
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What do you call a newbie in porn?

A newcummer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8orfl3/what_do_you_call_a_newbie_in_porn/
%
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York,

and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and - bingo! - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled. "What myths are those?".
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indians who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed. "I'm sorry, l do apologise" she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man replied. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ore6m/a_man_boarded_an_aircraft_at_londons_heathrow/
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A wheelchair user rides towards a bar.

On his way in he notices a man stood by the door smoking a cig.
The wheelchair user looks at the smoker and says "you do know that there is no reason for doing that at all. It won't make you feel better. It won't help you to fit in. It won't make you look cool."
"Really" says the smoker. "So why the fuck are you wearing those Nike sneakers?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8orcb0/a_wheelchair_user_rides_towards_a_bar/
%
What is an English teacher's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird
Credit: u/SensitiveStranger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8or8ok/what_is_an_english_teachers_favorite_drink/
%
I used to know an Italian chef.

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.
I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation.
it was a farfalle from grace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8or5ub/i_used_to_know_an_italian_chef/
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What do you call it when a midget waves at you?

A microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8or48e/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_midget_waves_at_you/
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What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?

names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8or45e/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_no_arms_and_an/
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Did you hear about Shiela the hungry 32 year old?

She eight and eight and eight and eight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oqzbr/did_you_hear_about_shiela_the_hungry_32_year_old/
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Bastard used the coins!

A boss badly wanted to screw his secretary. One day he got frustrated and asked her I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you.
But the secretary refused. Boss said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to ask her boyfriend, so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says its a lot of money, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. 30 mins goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oqwqc/bastard_used_the_coins/
%
A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.
An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.
The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean”
The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK”
The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much.
So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand.
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough.
“Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oqwiz/a_male_patient_just_recovered_successfully_from_a/
%
Why should you never kiss a canary?

You'll catch chirpies.
It's a canarial disease.
There's no tweetment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oqwdh/why_should_you_never_kiss_a_canary/
%
1 slice of apple pie will cost you $2.45 in Jamaica. A slice of apple pie costs $3.75 in Trinidad and the same slice costs $4.45 in Barbados.

And those are the Pie-Rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oquj9/1_slice_of_apple_pie_will_cost_you_245_in_jamaica/
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S&M Women

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long\-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, but he also wants to move up our wedding date!'
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented\-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six\-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,
**'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oqubt/sm_women/
%
I studied archeology

Now my life is in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oqn82/i_studied_archeology/
%
My little brother asked for a lolly.

I said to him, you may be the same age but it's still illegal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oqk96/my_little_brother_asked_for_a_lolly/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oqh3a/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
My wife and I had our first baby last night.

It was really tender, but you've gotta watch out for all the little bones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oqepe/my_wife_and_i_had_our_first_baby_last_night/
%
I didn't want to die alone....

So I became a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oqdig/i_didnt_want_to_die_alone/
%
Me and my wife have been seeing a marriage counselor lately and when we went in there he says "So tell me what do you two have in common?"

I said "Well for starters… Neither one of us suck dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oqdcb/me_and_my_wife_have_been_seeing_a_marriage/
%
What has five fingers and isn't your hand?

My hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oqdbx/what_has_five_fingers_and_isnt_your_hand/
%
My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential,

Then he pushed me off the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oqb3s/my_physics_teacher_told_me_i_had_a_lot_of/
%
Assume your office is a Temple.

Assume your office is a Temple and your boss is GOD, and you are an atheist for a happy life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oq6nu/assume_your_office_is_a_temple/
%
Did you hear the rumour about butter?

Never mind. I better not spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oq6ic/did_you_hear_the_rumour_about_butter/
%
If sex with four people is called a foursome, and sex with three people is called a threesome...

Now I know why people call me handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oq5vb/if_sex_with_four_people_is_called_a_foursome_and/
%
Make love, not war. And if you love both ...

get married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oq51n/make_love_not_war_and_if_you_love_both/
%
A horse walks into a bar

and says "Bartender, one beer please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "Did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "Why? Do they need a plumber?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oq2qv/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I Squash soft drink cans for a living

It's soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oq1m2/i_squash_soft_drink_cans_for_a_living/
%
Two fishermen are always fishing together on sundays

neither of them saying much.
Then, one sunday, one of the fisherman didn't show up.
But on the next sunday he was back in his old place, fishing.
The other fisherman was a bit worried, so he asked him where he was the previous sunday.
"Yeah sorry I got married and couldn't make it."
"Wow! You got married? I never even knew you were enged! So your wife must be a real beauty huh?"
"Not really, she's bald, crosseyed and has a hump."
"Oh. So she's probably really nice then?"
"Not really, she's usually either yelling at me or not talking to me at all."
"Huh, does she at least cook well?"
"Not really, she tried cooking one time and almost burned down the house, so she doesn't cook anymore."
"But why the hell did you marry her then?!"
"She's got worms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8opxmj/two_fishermen_are_always_fishing_together_on/
%
Man: Doctor i think i have a problem, everywhere i look i see naked women

Doctor: interesting. Alright let's see. *doctor draws a circle on paper.* What do you see here?
Man: A naked woman
Doctor: Hmm. *draws a rectangle on paper.* And what do you see here?
Man: A naked woman again
Doctor: Alright. *draws a triangle on paper*. And here?
Man: A naked woman but turned upside down
Doctor: interesting. Sir i think you're sex addicted
Man: Me sex addicted? Who here draws naked women, you or me, you pervert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8opxhm/man_doctor_i_think_i_have_a_problem_everywhere_i/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I haven't had a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8opwby/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
I was a fat kid who didn't eat vegetables

My mom told me, "if you eat too much pork, you'll become a pork". She can be such a dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8opuae/i_was_a_fat_kid_who_didnt_eat_vegetables/
%
What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graaaaains!
Stolen from /u/tinyahjumma comment on r/askreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oprsz/what_do_vegetarian_zombies_eat/
%
Hundreds of years ago, there was a brave ranger who went on many adventures.

There was also an evil sorcerer named Danny who claimed he could enchant arrows to follow their targets. Mysteriously, anyone who made the journey to the sorcerer never came back. Of course, the ranger decided to make the journey, to figure out what was going on. He made sure to take an arrow as well.
After many miles, he arrived at the sorcerer’s cave. He ventured in, and was greeted by Danny himself. Danny held out his hand to take the arrow, and thinking nothing of it, the ranger handed it to him. Like a flash of lightning, Danny attempted to stab the ranger. The ranger tried to evade, but is stabbed inches away from his heart.
Wisely, the ranger fled, the arrow still sticking out of him. He was taken care of by the town’s doctor, but he was told to never go on adventures again. So instead, the ranger went to the pub and told everyone his story, the truth behind Danny, and to never go near him again. The ranger is praised and cheered for his bravery.
Fast forward a couple of years, and now the ranger is the bartender. He is old and fat, and he silently watches the young rangers that enter the pub, wishing he could be as young and agile as they are. A young ranger stands out to him, and he sees every quality that he once had in this young ranger. The young ranger asks for a drink. When the old ranger hands it to him, he says:
“I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow to Danny.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8opq7f/hundreds_of_years_ago_there_was_a_brave_ranger/
%
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oppsv/my_wife_was_surprised_to_hear_that_i_actually/
%
Jack came home in great excitement and said to his wife:

"Jill, love, you will never believe it, dear, but I have discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking".
"Really," she said, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back," Jack replies
"But that is crazy. We cannot do anything back to back."
"Yes we can," he says. "I have persuaded another couple to help out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oposl/jack_came_home_in_great_excitement_and_said_to/
%
Why didn't Adam buy Eve the new iPhone?

Because Apple have terrible customer service and their products are really expensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ophh9/why_didnt_adam_buy_eve_the_new_iphone/
%
I went to see the doctor yesterday as I wasn’t feeling too good after emptying my bagless vacuum cleaner

He told me I might actually dyson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8op7j1/i_went_to_see_the_doctor_yesterday_as_i_wasnt/
%
Fuck a duck!

So there was this farmer, his son, and the only animal on their farm that survived the winter: a duck. One day the farmer is sitting down paying off last month's heating bill when he realized that they were broke. He told his son to go into town and sell the duck for as much money that he could get.
So the boy started off to town. He came up to a prostitute that was uglier than the ass of the duck he carried in his arms. The hooker looked straight at the boy and said, "The fucking begins at $10, you got $10?" The boy had no money, so he started to walk away, but the hooker stopped him and said that she would accept that duck in his hands instead of $10. The boy gleefully accepted, so they went off and had sex.
An hour later, as the boy was leaving, the hooker pleaded that he fuck her again because it was the best fucking of her life. She offered him the duck back, and they went at it again.
Another hour passes, and the boy heads home, duck in hand. On the way, the duck gets spooked and flies from the boy's hands. It flew directly into the path of an oncoming car, obliterating the duck. The man driving gets out and apologizes for the boy's duck. The man hands the boy 25 dollars for his trouble and goes on his way.
Later, the boy goes home and hands his father 25 dollars. The father notices that his son looks exhausted and asks him, "What happened?" The boy's reply was this: "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 bucks for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8op72t/fuck_a_duck/
%
Did you know that insanity is hereditary?

You get it from your kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ooz31/did_you_know_that_insanity_is_hereditary/
%
Old Rooster

In the farm, all the chickens gathered around the new rooster. He had arrived on the farm in the morning, and was looking at himself proudly as the old rooster of the farm - the only other male of the species in the vicinity - came to him.
The old rooster said, "See, boy, this is my farm. I challenge you to compete. If you win, you rule the farm. Fair enough?" The young rooster obviously agreed. So the old rooster explained, "I will start from this line, and reach master's porch. Since I am much old, I will have 3 second's handicap. After 3 seconds, you will start. If you could bite my crown before I reach the porch, you win."
"That's an easy one..." Thought the young rooster.
And they assembled for the race. At the clap of a beautiful hen, the old rooster began running. Hen kept counting time.
"1... 2... 3..." And young rooster started full speed at the oldie. As he shortened the distance, the old one started to shout out loud strange quaking sounds and ran here and there, young rooster closely following and trying to bite his crown.
"BANG...."
A rifle shot from the porch. Farmer rested his rifle on his shoulder, and looking down to the dead young rooster, said, "Damn... What's wrong with them...? This is the third rooster I bought in a row, and every single of them was homosexual!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ooz0z/old_rooster/
%
A 30 year old man has had a headache for 15 years

He goes to the doctor to see about it. His doctor says “I’ve only heard of this once before, the only solution was to cut off your penis”
The man says “oh wow, can I think it over for a couple days before the procedure”
The doctor says “of course”
The man goes home and thinks about it and is thinking I don’t want to cut off my crown jewel but if that’s what I have to do I will.
He goes to the doctors the very next day and has the procedure done. He comes out of it feeling very weird and he doesn’t feel like himself so he decides to go shopping for new cloths
He walks into the department store where an employee is saying he can tell you your exact size of clothing, he goes up and says “what size shirt am I?”
“Adult large”
The man is impressed but he figures it was a fairly easy guess so he asks “what pant size”
“34s”
He is quite impressed but is still a little suspicious so he asks “what underwear size am I?”
The clerk says “easy medium”
The man responds with “hah! Got you I’m a small I have been for 15 years”
The clerk responds with “you can’t wear smalls! It would cause your testicles to press against your pelvis and give you a terrible headache”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oowu0/a_30_year_old_man_has_had_a_headache_for_15_years/
%
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oovrz/did_you_know_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
Did you know I store paintings under the hood?

It makes my Van Gogh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oovmb/did_you_know_i_store_paintings_under_the_hood/
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So I was talking to my manager...

He said you’ve gotta stop calling them problems and start calling them ‘opportunities’.
But suddenly things are different when I have a drinking opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oouy7/so_i_was_talking_to_my_manager/
%
A banker's son, an investor's son and a farmer's son were going to prom.

But the day before the prom, the principal made it a requirement for all students to arrive in limousines.
As the banker's son entered through the school gates in a Mercedes Maybach, the engine roared, and all the girls cheered.
"Nice limousine." Said the school security guard.
"Thanks." Said the banker's son as his driver drove him to the hall for the prom.
Next, the only thing that could be heard was the quiet sound of rubber rubbing on asphalt, no engine, but the girls' cheers were even louder! The investor's son has arrived in a Rolls Royce!
"An even nicer limousine!" Said the school security guard.
"Thanks." Said the investor's son as his driver drove him to the hall for the prom.
The only kid left was the farmers. Next, all that could be heard was the rustling of hooves and a loud "MOOOOOOO". All the girls were quiet in confusion, there was a bright red cow, and on it was the farmer's son!
"WHAT THE HELL!" Said the school officer. "You can't bring a cow onto school grounds, where the HELL is your limousine!"
"But sir-" Said the son.
"You think this is funny! WHERE'S YOUR LIMO!" The officer cut him off.
"I was trying to say, sir," Said the son. "This IS A LIMOUSIN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oootr/a_bankers_son_an_investors_son_and_a_farmers_son/
%
Mr Singh walks into a bar in London

, orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.*_
_*When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."*_
_*Mr. Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."*_
_*The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.*_
_*Mr. Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.*_
_*One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.*_
_*When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."*_
_*Mr. Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no,"*_
_*He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is...*_
_*I have quit drinking"!!!*_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oolxk/mr_singh_walks_into_a_bar_in_london/
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Sex Frog

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3.Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4.Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ooj05/sex_frog/
%
Little Timmy is at his first baseball game, and his dad is explaining baseball to him.

He explains how runners have to round all the bases to score a run, and then that players must hit the ball in order to advance the bases.
Just then, the pitcher throws four balls, and the batter is walked. Timmy asks why the batter could take first base, so his dad explains the count and how walks and strikeouts work. Little Timmy, upon hearing the explanation, becomes visibly confused. His dad asks him what the matter is, to which little Timmy replies: "But dad! How can anyone walk with four balls?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oocz1/little_timmy_is_at_his_first_baseball_game_and/
%
My math Professor arrived 8 minutes late for our first lecture, 4 minutes late for our second, and now 2 minutes late for our third.

At this rate, he will never be on time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oo100/my_math_professor_arrived_8_minutes_late_for_our/
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Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor.
"No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B"
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"
"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her" replied Cobber.
"Spot on" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples"
"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate"
"No… " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8onx8b/sheila_the_aussie_housewife_got_out_of_the_shower/
%
What is the fastest way to make a friend?

Tell a girl that you love her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8onvrh/what_is_the_fastest_way_to_make_a_friend/
%
I told my girlfriend that my weiner is like a computer

She said "is it because its like a hard drive and is made as strong as metal"
Wait till she finds out its more like microsoft and has a lot of viruses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8onuzp/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_my_weiner_is_like_a/
%
Are your teeth cold?

Then why are they wearing those yellow blankets?
(You just licked your teeth didn’t you?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8onud2/are_your_teeth_cold/
%
Whaddya call a gay mummy?

A dried fruit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8onpes/whaddya_call_a_gay_mummy/
%
I went to my Dr. the other day and said “doc last night I dreamt I was a tee-pee, and the next night I dreamt I was a wig-wam”

He said relax you’re two tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ono3l/i_went_to_my_dr_the_other_day_and_said_doc_last/
%
If roses are red and violets are blue...

THEN WHAT THE FUCK  IS THE COLOR VIOLET.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8onmxf/if_roses_are_red_and_violets_are_blue/
%
A SQL query goes to a bar, walks up to two tables and asks...

Can I join you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8one8o/a_sql_query_goes_to_a_bar_walks_up_to_two_tables/
%
What do you call an Asian in an elevator

Wong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oncea/what_do_you_call_an_asian_in_an_elevator/
%
To quote all of Bill Cosby’s victims:

No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ona7r/to_quote_all_of_bill_cosbys_victims/
%
What do you call a man with a knife in his back?

An ambulance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ona2p/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_knife_in_his_back/
%
What’s the difference between your job and your wife?

After 5 years, your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8on6ev/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_your/
%
Care to seduce a large woman?

Piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8on4qk/care_to_seduce_a_large_woman/
%
I don't mean to brag..

But my credit card company calls me every day to say my balance is outstanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8on44n/i_dont_mean_to_brag/
%
I gave my bus seat to a blind man yesterday.

Today I lost my job as bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8on3b8/i_gave_my_bus_seat_to_a_blind_man_yesterday/
%
What kind of beverages do they serve in prison?

Penal tea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8on2xm/what_kind_of_beverages_do_they_serve_in_prison/
%
I like my women how I like my cigars.

7 years old and sent from Cuba in a sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8on1xl/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_cigars/
%
What do dogs do when they finish obedience school ?

They get their masters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8omwh8/what_do_dogs_do_when_they_finish_obedience_school/
%
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot

You’ve put it on the right foot.
My 9yr old daughter swears she just made that up. She said “you should put it on Reddit”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8omvlt/if_you_put_your_left_shoe_on_the_wrong_foot/
%
A guy walks into an elevator

and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, “Can I smell your pussy?” The woman looks at him in disgust and says, “Certainly not!” “Hmmm,” he replies. “It must be your feet, then.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8omrfy/a_guy_walks_into_an_elevator/
%
Did you know that Paul Revere had sixteen children?

Apparently the British weren't the only ones coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8omr17/did_you_know_that_paul_revere_had_sixteen_children/
%
My dad is so racist...

He won’t even watch color tv

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8omquu/my_dad_is_so_racist/
%
(NSFW) My doctor told me, “You’re like pasta!”

“When things get hot, you go soft!” He then wrote me a prescription for Viagra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8omp1z/nsfw_my_doctor_told_me_youre_like_pasta/
%
I asked my Dad what I could be when I'm older and he told me "The sky is the limit".

It really upset me because I've always wanted to be an astronaut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8omoja/i_asked_my_dad_what_i_could_be_when_im_older_and/
%
I wore a camouflaged condom last night...

My girlfriend didn’t see it cumming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8omo8f/i_wore_a_camouflaged_condom_last_night/
%
A young missionary on his first term in Africa..

..was reading his bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down on his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Do not try to read between the lions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8omky1/a_young_missionary_on_his_first_term_in_africa/
%
Why was Yoda scared of 7?

Because 6 7 8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8omh6s/why_was_yoda_scared_of_7/
%
Animal meeting at the zoo..

Lion: You're late, we said to meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you damn midget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8omgz4/animal_meeting_at_the_zoo/
%
Doctor: Your BMI is quite high.

Patient: What should I do?
Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty
Patient: So I should give up pizza and chips?
Doctor: No, fatty. Just don't eat anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8omaz5/doctor_your_bmi_is_quite_high/
%
A man cut off his finger at work

He called his wife and said “honey, I just cut my finger off at work”
She replied “your whole finger?!”
“Thankfully no, the one next to it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8om9si/a_man_cut_off_his_finger_at_work/
%
I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk. "Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.
I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8om7sj/i_recall_my_first_time_with_a_condom_i_must_have/
%
I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8om7dz/i_finally_realized_my_parents_favored_my_twin/
%
It Was All Fun And Games At The ISIS Orgy

That was until someone blew their load.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8om6pr/it_was_all_fun_and_games_at_the_isis_orgy/
%
I don't usually brag about my finances

But my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8om2s9/i_dont_usually_brag_about_my_finances/
%
If getting ordinary words confused with types of mushrooms was an Olympic sport...

I'd be world champignon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8om1cc/if_getting_ordinary_words_confused_with_types_of/
%
I told my friend 10 jokes about binary

He didn't get either of them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8olzoq/i_told_my_friend_10_jokes_about_binary/
%
What do you call a Norwegian hooker?

A Fjord pickup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8olsle/what_do_you_call_a_norwegian_hooker/
%
Where are LGBTQ vampires from?

TRANSylvania

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8olnm2/where_are_lgbtq_vampires_from/
%
A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8olm8a/a_sperm_cell_contains_about_375_mb_of_information/
%
How does U2 spell color/colour?

With or Without U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8olibt/how_does_u2_spell_colorcolour/
%
"Hi I'm Eric and I'm an Alcoholic."

"Hi Eric. Welcome to the end of the year, support group! Tell us how long you've been sober for.'
"Maybe a month... 34 days...?"
"Great progress!"
"Oh, not in a row. Just the total for this whole year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oli3y/hi_im_eric_and_im_an_alcoholic/
%
Did you hear about Marvel wanting to buy the NHL?

They want to rename the championship trophy, The Stan Lee Cup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8olgs5/did_you_hear_about_marvel_wanting_to_buy_the_nhl/
%
What is the difference between Trump and the Hindenburg?

One is a flaming nazi gasbag and the other is a zeppelin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oleba/what_is_the_difference_between_trump_and_the/
%
Why does Russia have so much natural gas?

Because their leader is always Putin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8olc9j/why_does_russia_have_so_much_natural_gas/
%
Yesterday i gave up my seat to a blind man on the bus

Today I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8olbq7/yesterday_i_gave_up_my_seat_to_a_blind_man_on_the/
%
A wife sends her husband to the store to buy tampons.

When he gets to the store, he asks the clerk where the tampons are located. She points him in the right direction, and he saunters off. A little while later, he returns with cotton balls and some string. Confused, the clerk asks, "Didn't you come in here looking for tampons?"
"I did," he replied, " but last week I sent my wife to the store for cigarettes and she came back with rolling papers and tobacco, because it was cheaper. If I have to roll my own, so does she."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8olb54/a_wife_sends_her_husband_to_the_store_to_buy/
%
A restaurant owner visits a fridge repair shop...

...and asks, "do y'all do walk-ins?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ol8m9/a_restaurant_owner_visits_a_fridge_repair_shop/
%
Mary had a little lamb...

... and the obstetrician was really surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ol4to/mary_had_a_little_lamb/
%
The toothbrush was invented in Alabama

If it had been invented anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ol4ro/the_toothbrush_was_invented_in_alabama/
%
What's the difference between JR Smith and a bad music composer?

One of them still knows the score

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ol2s6/whats_the_difference_between_jr_smith_and_a_bad/
%
Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?

Ireland’s.
Every year it’s Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ol2m1/which_countrys_capital_is_the_fastest_growing/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

??
A lickalotofpus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ol2j8/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
What's a horse's house called? A stable. What is a group of stables called?

A *neigh*bourhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ol04i/whats_a_horses_house_called_a_stable_what_is_a/
%
Today I Failed my Biology Test.

One of the questions asked. “What are normally found inside cells?”
Apparently, ‘Black People’ was not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8okziq/today_i_failed_my_biology_test/
%
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8okygw/a_jewish_man_on_the_subway_is_reading_an_arab/
%
Toys R Us

More like Toys Were Us (insert depressing drum roll here)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8okwj5/toys_r_us/
%
A no-armed man is looking for a job...

... so he goes to the local church. He tells the priest he will ring the church's bell every hour, on the hour.
The priest is dubious, and asks how the man is going to do that with no arms. The man says not to worry, he'll handle that. "I'll do it for free the first week, so you can see I can handle the job."
At the top of the hour, the man runs up the winding staircase of the bell tower, and, panting, bangs his head against the bell so the whole town can hear it. Pleased, the priest agrees to hire the man.
One day, after a local elementary school has toured the church, the man goes running up the staircase, but one of the students had a snack during the tour and left his banana peel at the top of the stairs. The no\-armed man slips on the peel, tumbles out of the bell tower and crashes down to the street below.
A couple walks by and sees the man face down in the street. The woman gasps and rolls him over, "Oh, my God!"
The man asks, "Do you know him?"
"No... but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8okvq7/a_noarmed_man_is_looking_for_a_job/
%
“NSFW” Why are women so bad with directions?

They can’t tell distance. They’ve been told 5 inches is actually 8 inches so much it’s ingrained.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8okvan/nsfw_why_are_women_so_bad_with_directions/
%
My new sheepdog pup just swallowed a whole cantaloupe in one!

Since then he's a little melancholy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8okrud/my_new_sheepdog_pup_just_swallowed_a_whole/
%
My drug dealer has a great sense of humor

He really cracks me up
Credit to u/fukhed69

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8okbxe/my_drug_dealer_has_a_great_sense_of_humor/
%
What did Donald Trump say when he looked in the mirror?

Pardon me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ok745/what_did_donald_trump_say_when_he_looked_in_the/
%
Man: Do you have the new book on small penises?

Librarian: Sorry, I don't think it's in yet.
Man: Yes, that's the one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ok6ws/man_do_you_have_the_new_book_on_small_penises/
%
My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off.

So I took off her blouse.
She said, “Now off with the skirt.”
I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”
And when I did that, she said, “Now the bra and the panties.”
I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ok3g5/my_step_mother_came_to_me_and_demanded_that_i/
%
TIL I did not have Road Rage

turns out I'm just an angry drunk...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ok2pc/til_i_did_not_have_road_rage/
%
Went to r/Jokes and set the filter to 'new posts.'

Stared at a blank page for 20 minutes before I realized it had finished loading 20 minutes ago.
*I have to assume this joke wouldn't have shown up either.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ok2op/went_to_rjokes_and_set_the_filter_to_new_posts/
%
Kindness to a Homeless Man

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
“I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS!? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied: "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man who's given up drinking, gambling and golf looks like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ok1ce/kindness_to_a_homeless_man/
%
A friend got mad at me for smelling his grandma's panties.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral rather awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ok0uq/a_friend_got_mad_at_me_for_smelling_his_grandmas/
%
How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex?

Call her and put her on speaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ojx3r/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_cry_during_sex/
%
My wife told me I was crazy for trying to fix our car using spaghetti.

The look on her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ojwtk/my_wife_told_me_i_was_crazy_for_trying_to_fix_our/
%
WEATHER MONEY

Q: Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
A: Because she expected some change in the weather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ojwfh/weather_money/
%
Dating after 30 is like trying to find a parking space...

All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ojstj/dating_after_30_is_like_trying_to_find_a_parking/
%
When my parents told me Santa wasn't real, I was incredibly sad.

But then I bumped into him at the mall last December and he cleared that all up for me!  Nice joke, Dad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ojrod/when_my_parents_told_me_santa_wasnt_real_i_was/
%
What is E.T. short for?

He doesn’t have very long legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ojpb7/what_is_et_short_for/
%
The doctor put his finger up my butt at my appointment today.

Worst. Dentist. Ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ojm2n/the_doctor_put_his_finger_up_my_butt_at_my/
%
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong.........

the ship sinks and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Bill and Donna .
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Donna felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and Bill was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Bill managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Bill's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Bill began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Donna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ojfy1/a_cruise_on_the_pacific_goes_all_wrong/
%
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. He was satisfied with things they way they were. The Jamaican quickly figured out the wife felt like she was getting the short end of the stick, so to speak.
The wife asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Tell him to just try dem on, Lady." So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as the husband slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. There was a level of excitement his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ojfpk/a_married_couple_was_on_holiday_in_jamaica/
%
I don’t usually brag about my finances...

but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ojbim/i_dont_usually_brag_about_my_finances/
%
The young couple next door to me have just made a sex tape

They just don't know about it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oj6uu/the_young_couple_next_door_to_me_have_just_made_a/
%
It is a great thing that women can now drive in Saudi Arabia!

It is ilegal for them to be stoned while driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oj15q/it_is_a_great_thing_that_women_can_now_drive_in/
%
What do you call the ant in the colony who trades with other ant colonies for resources?

Import-ant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oj0q8/what_do_you_call_the_ant_in_the_colony_who_trades/
%
The oxford english dictonary once debated whether or not to remove the letter 'u' from the alphabet. Why didn't they?

Because of Rick Astley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oj081/the_oxford_english_dictonary_once_debated_whether/
%
Girlfriend: Your penis is funny!

Me: It does stand up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oizzj/girlfriend_your_penis_is_funny/
%
A lady comes to visit the bank to deposit 100,000$

the lady goes to the counter and slams the bill bundle on the table. The counter guy tells the lady to meet the bank manager to deposit such a large amount in cash.
So the lady visits the bank manager's room.
Branch Manager, "Please have a seat."
Lady, "Thank you"
Branch Manager, "How may i help you today?"
Lady, "I need to deposit 100,000$ in cash"
Branch Manager, " That's a huge amount. Could you please tell me where you made so much money from?"
Lady, "betting"
Branch Manager, "Sorry, i don't believe it. You will have to prove it"
Lady, "Okay, i bet 1000$ that your penis is small. If it isn't then I'll pay you 1000$, if not then you pay me up"
Branch Manager, "Okay."
Lady, "I'll come with my lawyer tomorrow as a witness if it is okay with you"
Branch Manager, "No problem ma'am"
both bid each other goodbye and the lady leaves.
the Branch Manager couldn't sleep all night, he kept checking his penis size to be sure he doesn't lose, the size was huge enough for him to win the bet.
The next day...
Lady arrives with her lawyer.
Lady, "I hope you are ready"
Branch Manager, "Yes, and i suppose he is your lawyer?"
Lady, "Yes, now please drop your pants"
The manager drops his pants and there pops out his huge sausage.
Lady, "Oh, looks like i lost. Here's your 1000$"
Branch Manager, " Thank you. Why is your lawyer banging his head on the wall?"
Lady, "Oh, i bet him 10,000$ that i will make the national bank's manager show his penis to me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oixta/a_lady_comes_to_visit_the_bank_to_deposit_100000/
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What's the difference between a gun and a social justice warrior?

The gun has only one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oiquh/whats_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a_social/
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Dad what do condoms do?

Prevent questions like that one son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oipa6/dad_what_do_condoms_do/
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How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really fucking good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oincr/how_come_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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What happens when your donkey eats the feet off my chicken?

You have 2 feet of my cock in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oin9f/what_happens_when_your_donkey_eats_the_feet_off/
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A customer tools me this joke today.

You experienced veterans may have heard it before but I haven't so it made me laugh.
He took out some change in his pocket and showed me some pennies, one at a time.
1 penny: "Smell anything?... You should, it's a cent."
2 pennies: "See any fruit?... It's a pair."
3 pennies: "See any snakes?... There are 3 copperheads."
4 pennies: "See any cars?... There are 4 Lincolns."
5 pennies: "See any pussy?... No, not for 5 cents you won't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oin8l/a_customer_tools_me_this_joke_today/
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A Racist Joke

Two racists are sitting on a park bench, watching and making commentary on passersby.
"You know," the first racist says, "we're the real victims in today's society."
The second racist nods knowingly.
"As soon as someone hears that you have a problem with one group of people or another," the first racist continues, "they make all kinds of unfair and unfounded assumptions about you."
Once again, the second racist nods.
"Just as an example," says the first racist, "if someone were to read a transcript of our conversation, they'd almost certainly think that both of us were white."
The second racist grins and says "哈哈！我是公交车司机!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oin6a/a_racist_joke/
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Mickey Mouse files for a divorce.

A few days later he gets a call from his lawyer, who says
“Mickey, I’m sorry, but you can’t divorce Minnie just because you think she’s crazy.”
Mickey replies
“I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oikeq/mickey_mouse_files_for_a_divorce/
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How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They rearrange the furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oijwn/how_do_helen_kellers_parents_punish_her/
%
Snakes can't hug.

They just ssssssssnuggle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oi9ls/snakes_cant_hug/
%
At the bakery, A Scotsman asks "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"No, you're right, it's a doughnut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oi80l/at_the_bakery_a_scotsman_asks_is_that_a_doughnut/
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What’s the difference between a wizard and a spelling bee contestant?

One can conjure spells, the other can spell “conjure”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oi7sj/whats_the_difference_between_a_wizard_and_a/
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I slept with a bank manager

...and got financial aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oi59e/i_slept_with_a_bank_manager/
%
An innocent man was killed by a vampire hunter.

It was a terrible mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oi3yq/an_innocent_man_was_killed_by_a_vampire_hunter/
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I bought a dog from a blacksmith recently

Within minutes of getting home he made a bolt for the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oi2od/i_bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith_recently/
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Three women are stranded on an island

. There is a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. The women decide to try to swim to the mainland.
The brunette swims 1/4 of the way then drowns
The redhead swims 1/3 of the way then drowns
The blonde swims 2/3 of the way but gets tired and swims back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oi0m5/three_women_are_stranded_on_an_island/
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I slept like a baby

I cried myself to sleep and woke up in my own filth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ohzy9/i_slept_like_a_baby/
%
I don't always misbehave in Vietmamese restaurants, but when I do I'm always afraid they're going to...

Bahn Mi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ohyea/i_dont_always_misbehave_in_vietmamese_restaurants/
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A farmer buys a new rooster...

...to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.
He promptly nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Then runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. He nails all the geese. The rooster then runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.
The farmer is worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find his rooster laid out flat in the middle of the pasture, buzzards circling overhead.
The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "I told you to pace yourself."
The rooster opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ohw9k/a_farmer_buys_a_new_rooster/
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Last night, I think I was raped by the Michelin Man

But hey, at least he used a rubber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ohuhp/last_night_i_think_i_was_raped_by_the_michelin_man/
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I named my penis software update

Because every time it pops up my wife says not right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oht8n/i_named_my_penis_software_update/
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Where are you?

My ¨friend¨: I'll be there in five minutes.
\-If I'm not, just read previous message over again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ohm47/where_are_you/
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A Sunday school teacher ask the children, "why is it necessary to be quite in church?"

The children replied, "because people are sleeping."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ohlx2/a_sunday_school_teacher_ask_the_children_why_is/
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A pickup line( sorry if those aren’t supposed to go here)

After you ask out the girl..
Girl: I have a boyfriend
You: and I have a math test
Girl: what do you mean?
You: I thought we were talking about things we would cheat on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ohlgi/a_pickup_line_sorry_if_those_arent_supposed_to_go/
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Why is the best place to teach physics on top of a cliff?

Because that's where the students have the most potential

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ohhsv/why_is_the_best_place_to_teach_physics_on_top_of/
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My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish...

... in which she liked to dress up as herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ohg6n/my_ex_girlfriend_had_this_really_weird_fetish/
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If laughter is the true way to a woman’s heart....

Why do I never get that second date after she sees my penis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ohea0/if_laughter_is_the_true_way_to_a_womans_heart/
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A black man and a white man walk into a bakery

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The white man replies, "Look in the black mans back pocket....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ohe6e/a_black_man_and_a_white_man_walk_into_a_bakery/
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My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ohdfg/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
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Beautiful doctor

I went to the doctors office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed but she said “Don’t worry, I’m a professional, I’ve seen it all before, just tell me what’s wrong and il check it out.”
I said, “my wife thinks by dick tastes funny”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogzmw/beautiful_doctor/
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There was a giant who was weak

His friends told him to hit the gym...
a lot of people died that day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogzme/there_was_a_giant_who_was_weak/
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A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a problem, I have 5 penises."

The doctor says "Wow, how do your pants fit?"
**"Like a glove."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogzli/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_ive_got_a/
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What's the last thing you hear before a redneck dies?

"Hey ya'll watch this"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogxm5/whats_the_last_thing_you_hear_before_a_redneck/
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What did the Australian waiter say to the chessplayer when he gave him the bill

Check mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogw3a/what_did_the_australian_waiter_say_to_the/
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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.
It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogvfh/one_day_bill_complained_to_his_friend_that_his/
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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogty4/a_husband_and_wife_are_waiting_at_the_bus_stop/
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what do you call a sex toy made from Play Doh?

A Dil Doh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogthl/what_do_you_call_a_sex_toy_made_from_play_doh/
%
My girlfriends dog died..

I went out and bought her an identical dog.
She asked me what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogs6c/my_girlfriends_dog_died/
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Roses are red, monsters are green

Look in the mirror, you'll see what I mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogs06/roses_are_red_monsters_are_green/
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The baby elephant trunk...

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.
"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."
The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the doctor continues.
"Since you were unconscious, we did put a replacement in place for you. The only problem is that all we could find in such short notice was a baby elephant trunk."
The man checks it out and is satisfied with the replacement. He's released from the hospital a few days later and returns to his life.
A few weeks later he has his first date since the accident. He's having a nice conversation with his date when he hears the distinct sound of his pants zipper slowly opening. He blushes, hoping his date didn't hear the noise.
A few moment later the end of the baby elephant trunk that is his penis snakes over the edge of the table, snuffing and tapping, searching over the table cloth. His date notices and watches, eyes wide.
Suddenly, it grabs a dinner roll from his bread plate and whips back under the table.
"Was that your penis?" his date asks, her eyes wide and her cheeks flushed.
Embarrassed, he can only nod and the color rises in his cheeks.
"That was amazing," she said, "Can it do it again?"
He shrugged, "Probably, but I don't know if my asshole can take another roll."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogpbw/the_baby_elephant_trunk/
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I said to my friend, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”

He said, “Are you mad at her?”
I said, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogopp/i_said_to_my_friend_my_girlfriend_keeps_asking_me/
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Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods...

It could be spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ognz7/do_not_accept_friend_requests_from_hormel_foods/
%
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ognrd/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
%
"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ognkh/no_thanks_im_a_vegetarian/
%
Women are like a box of chocolates

You never know which ones gonna have nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogngb/women_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What's better than being able to use disabled parking spots?

Legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oglxq/whats_better_than_being_able_to_use_disabled/
%
I had a breakthrough and got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I buy single ply toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oghmh/i_had_a_breakthrough_and_got_in_touch_with_my/
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Chinese Takeaway £24

Petrol to pick it up £2
Getting home and realising one of the useless twats have forgotten one of your containers
Riceless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oghln/chinese_takeaway_24/
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I met a man called |-5kg|

He was an absolute unit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogfbp/i_met_a_man_called_5kg/
%
Soup

An old man and his wife are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the old lady bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super pussy!" And the old man says, "I'll have the soup.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogc0l/soup/
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I'll never forget my girlfriends last words.

"You're that guy who's been following me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ogbe3/ill_never_forget_my_girlfriends_last_words/
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If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

Should I really be having sex with it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8og8j2/if_it_looks_like_a_duck_walks_like_a_duck_and/
%
Purple is the best color for camouflage

Have you ever seen a soldier in violet ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8og5ir/purple_is_the_best_color_for_camouflage/
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[NSFW] A man busted his nut while flying...

You can call that a highjacking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8og407/nsfw_a_man_busted_his_nut_while_flying/
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Smartest President

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best Football player. Real Madrid and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ofwdp/smartest_president/
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A conspiracy theorist walked into a bar

Or did they..?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ofsks/a_conspiracy_theorist_walked_into_a_bar/
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My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"
"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.
"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ofm4g/my_brother_did_one_like_that_after_a_long_string/
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What did the constipated mathematician do?

Worked it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ofhno/what_did_the_constipated_mathematician_do/
%
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Uhh.... That's a hardware problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ofh8x/how_many_software_engineers_does_it_take_to/
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A man wants to know about his future

He heads over to the most renown Gypsy card reader in the country.
"Please, what does my future hold for me?"
"Mmmmmmmm the cards tell me your ex-wife will be involved in a terrible accident!" Yelled the Gypsy.
The man rolls his eyes and says:
"....Yes, yes I know, but is there gonna be any evidence against me?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ofawa/a_man_wants_to_know_about_his_future/
%
I hate Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8of8jn/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
Trump, Ivanka, Merkel and Macron are sharing a compartment on a train on their way to a summit somewhere in the alps

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, Trump is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
Merkel thinks, “I bet that dirty orange man fondled his daughter and she struck the pervert.”
Ivanka thinks, “Ugh, I bet that my dad was looking to grope me in the dark again, mistook Merkel for me and she slapped him.”
Trump thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman touched up Ivanka in the dark and she slapped me thinking it was me again”
Macron thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that orange twat again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8of8hi/trump_ivanka_merkel_and_macron_are_sharing_a/
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few year ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been far more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8of83t/i_started_carrying_a_knife_after_an_attempted/
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When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body

But I'm so polite, I only look at the covered parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8of3du/when_wearing_a_bikini_women_reveal_90_of_their/
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King Arthur must depart to the battlefield.

He requests that the Knights of the Round Table remained within the castle walls in order to protect its citizens should an attack arise. Skeptical of his Queen's loyalty, and the men's self-control, the King asks Merlin to cast a spell on her.
*Should anyone lie with this woman in bed,
they shall carry on living with their tool dry and dead!*
This spell guaranteed none would have their way without paying a terrible price. With his newly found reassurance, Arthur launched into battle.
After what seemed like a lifetime of fighting, the battle had been won. The King and a few of his brave men were able to finally return home! Once all the necessary celebrations had been dealt with, the King of Camelot rounded up all his Knights at the table for a final speech.
"Thank you all for completing your duties in my absence; I wish to make a toast, but first, I must request all of you to remove your pantaloons. I need to be certain I'm standing among men of value."
In a horrifying twist, knight after knight dropped their undergarments only to reveal they had all been struck by the deadly spell, and their genitals had all withered and died...**except one man!** Sir Lancelot!
Disappointed but relieved, Arthur walked over to Lancelot and congratulated him on his honor, integrity, and loyalty to his king and kingdom.
"Sir, my good good Sir, you truly deserve a place at this table. Please, tell these animals among us what it takes to be a Knight of the round table." Said the King.
Lancelot, a little embarrassed, replied: "thith ith not what it thoundth like, I can ecthplain!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8of24i/king_arthur_must_depart_to_the_battlefield/
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How do you find a blind man in a nude colony...?

It's... not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8of0vp/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_nude_colony/
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What does a garden and a woman on heroin have in common?

They both grow vegetables when someone plants a seed in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oeubb/what_does_a_garden_and_a_woman_on_heroin_have_in/
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I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper...

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oetso/i_asked_my_daughter_if_shed_seen_my_newspaper/
%
What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?

Get off me, homes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oesdo/what_did_the_mexican_say_when_two_houses_fell_on/
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Since nobody else has yet, I wrote a book about clock fetishes...

Because it's about fucking time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oerci/since_nobody_else_has_yet_i_wrote_a_book_about/
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Ron the Rooster

A farmer was looking for a new rooster as his old one after many years of faithful service had finally passed on. When he told his neighbouring farmer about the problem he said "I have just the rooster for you , but I have to warn you Ron is one horny goat of a rooster". How horny can a rooster be the farmer said to himself. "OK sure I'll buy him off you". When the farmer got back to the farm with Ron the rooster he said to him "OK Ron get to work". Ron went into the chicken coop and fucked every chicken within an inch of its life. The farmer was flabbergasted. Ron then went into the stables and mounted the horses and proceeded to fuck them too. The farmer was shocked. He then turned his attention to the fields and fucked the hell out of every single cow. The farmer amazed thought wow I guess he really is a horny goat. The following morning the farmer didn't hear a rooster crow or even a peep from the animals. He went out and saw all the animals sleeping from their night of debauchery. Suddenly in the distance he saw buzzards circling in the sky, fearing the worst the farmer ran to the scene where the buzzards were and saw Ron lying dead and spread eagle in the middle of the field. "Dammit Ron" he said to himself. "You've gone and fucked yourself to death". Ron slowly opened one eye looked at the farmer and pointed to the buzzards and whispered "Shhhhh they're about to land"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oep2k/ron_the_rooster/
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Condoms

A boy and his father are shopping when they pass the condom aisle. The boy sees three pack sizes of condoms, a pack of three, one of six, and one of twelve. He grabs the three pack.
The father says, “Those are for high schoolers. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
The boy asks, “Who are the six packs for?”
The father responds, “those are for college students. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
The boy responds, “Ooo! What are the twelve packs for then?”
The father sighs and says, “Those... are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oeomh/condoms/
%
A Russian, Ukrainian and Armenian are riding the train

Armenian guy gets out some vodka, snacks, some meat and puts in on the table.
He says: *"Let me share this with you, let's eat and have a drink!"*
Ukranian guy thinks "I'm gonna eat this and then he is going to rape me for it, I'm gonna refuse", then replies with: *"No, thanks"*
Russian guy thinks "Ok, I'm going to eat, gain some strength from that, and if he will try to rape me I'll fight back", so he joins the meal.
Russian and Armenian drinking and eating, Ukrainian watching them, then Armenian guy turns to the Russian and asks:
*"You ate well, my brother?"*
*"Yes, I did"*
*"Do you have your strength now?"*
*"Yes, I have it"*
*"Ok, now let's rape Ukranian"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oenn4/a_russian_ukrainian_and_armenian_are_riding_the/
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My grandfather, who served in Vietnam, asked me what sticks to young and old people alike:

Apparently napalm wasn’t the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oencl/my_grandfather_who_served_in_vietnam_asked_me/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes a parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oelsj/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe?

Kilometer Cyrus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oek8b/what_do_they_call_miley_cyrus_in_europe/
%
One winter day, Donald Trump looks out his window...

and notices a large yellow scribble imprinted on the snow that has covered the White House lawn. He was horrified to see that it was in fact a message that read, "Trump is an arse".
Trump immediately ordered his Secret Service agents to investigate this; within a few hours, they reported to him that the message had been written in urine. Furious, Trump demanded to know more information, especially whose urine it was. The lab tests return the next day.
"The DNA detected in the urine belongs to Mike Pence," the Secret Service agents inform Trump. "But there's worse news."
"What could possibly be worse?" Trump asks.
"The handwriting is Melania's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oed9i/one_winter_day_donald_trump_looks_out_his_window/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.

The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oecrx/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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Why is it so difficult to wake up certain NBA players in the morning?

They think they're already up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oe8kr/why_is_it_so_difficult_to_wake_up_certain_nba/
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Doctor: "It looks like you're pregnant"

Woman: "I'm pregnant? How?"
Doctor: "No it just looks like you are"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oe8c2/doctor_it_looks_like_youre_pregnant/
%
You can hear the blood in your veins...

If you listen vericlosely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oe7u5/you_can_hear_the_blood_in_your_veins/
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A particular species of frog, found in South American rainforests, has been observed to leap higher than a 1 story house.

This is due to the extremely powerful hind legs of the frog, and the fact that houses cannot leap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oe6xo/a_particular_species_of_frog_found_in_south/
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Peter Dinklage walks into a doctor’s office. He says, “I’m a Hollywood star. Can I go to the front of the line?”

Doctor: I am sorry Sir, but you have to be a little patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oe6vw/peter_dinklage_walks_into_a_doctors_office_he/
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Last night, I put a trampoline in place of my wifes bed.

When she found out, she hit the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oe3xg/last_night_i_put_a_trampoline_in_place_of_my/
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Three blonde dudes drive into the desert

When they are in the middle of the day, their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.
One blonde takes a tire. The second bloke takes a seat. The last blonde takes one of the car doors.
The first man says to the other two “I’m bringing the tire because if I can't walk anymore, the tire will take me. The second says:  But the seat is more comfortable than the tire. They both then look at the third and ask: Why bring a car door?”
The thirty blonde man replies,  “Dudes, if I get hot, I can just roll down the window.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oe3km/three_blonde_dudes_drive_into_the_desert/
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People called me ugly until they heard how much i make...

Now they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oe1v2/people_called_me_ugly_until_they_heard_how_much_i/
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A photon walks into a hotel

And checks in.
The desk clerk says, “Can we help you with your luggage?”
The photon says, “No, thanks. I’m traveling light.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oe0ox/a_photon_walks_into_a_hotel/
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Two bananas are sitting on the bank of a river...

When a turd comes floating on by, notices the bananas, and yells out, “Come on in! The water’s great!”
One banana turns to the other and says, “ You believe that shit?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ody46/two_bananas_are_sitting_on_the_bank_of_a_river/
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A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her. The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets...

He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”
Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more and asks, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8odvx5/a_blonde_is_on_the_bus_when_this_guy_gets_on_with/
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People tell me my pet rock is worthless...

but I think it has sedimental value.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8odszv/people_tell_me_my_pet_rock_is_worthless/
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I was sacked today for having sex with a customer in the back of my bus.

Well I say bus... technically it's a hearse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8odsch/i_was_sacked_today_for_having_sex_with_a_customer/
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The US Justice Department were hellbent on taking IKEA to court a few years ago.

Unfortunately they had to walk away as they were having difficulties putting a case together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8odo7x/the_us_justice_department_were_hellbent_on_taking/
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What does Judas eat when he goes hiking?

Betrayal Mix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8odk44/what_does_judas_eat_when_he_goes_hiking/
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A panda walks into a restaurant,

sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the table.
As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my table and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8odjp3/a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
Where did the Egyptians park when they visited King Arthur?

Camelot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8odevu/where_did_the_egyptians_park_when_they_visited/
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A man was driving across country, when suddenly he saw a hitchhiker.

He picked her up and while they were driving the two of them got talking.
"What do you do?", asked the man.
"I'm a witch", said the hitchhiker.
"One of those, spells, potions and turn people into frogs kind of witches?"
"That's the one".
"Oh yeah? Can you show me?"
She started stroking his inner thigh.
Just like that, the man turned into a hotel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oddx8/a_man_was_driving_across_country_when_suddenly_he/
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Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8odd5o/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
An Italian a Dutchman and an American walk into a bar...

To watch England in the world cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8od8ac/an_italian_a_dutchman_and_an_american_walk_into_a/
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I bought a muzzle for my pet duck.

Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8od48b/i_bought_a_muzzle_for_my_pet_duck/
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I asked my friend to assist me with suicide...

They left me hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8od38b/i_asked_my_friend_to_assist_me_with_suicide/
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What's the difference between America and Canada?

The Americans have really nice neighbors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8od1wn/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_canada/
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My wife was really pissed that I have such a bad sense of direction.

So I packed my bags and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oczok/my_wife_was_really_pissed_that_i_have_such_a_bad/
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How do you circumcise a white supremacist?

You punch his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ocyac/how_do_you_circumcise_a_white_supremacist/
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I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience."

"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt all  that much."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ocwsc/i_said_to_my_wife_they_say_that_childbirth_is_the/
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a priest a minister and a rabbi

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:
“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8octy5/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi/
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A guy is speeding and gets pulled over by a cop...

The cop asks him his name and he replies, “Fred.”
The cop then asks him his last name.
Fred says he doesn’t have a last name.
The cop replies, “How do you not have a last name?”
Fred says, “I lost it.”
The cop says, “How did you lose your last name?”
Fred replies, “Well, when I was younger, I used to be a doctor and I was known as Fred Johnson M.D.
Then I got bored with being a doctor and decided to become a dentist. Then I was know as Fred Johnson M.D. DDS.
While I was a dentist, I had an affair with my secretary and she gave me an STD. Then I was known as Fred Johnson M.D. DDS with an STD.
After awhile, the ADA found out I had an STD and took my DDS away from me. Then I was known as Fred Johnson M. D. with an STD.
Eventually, the AMA found out that the ADA took my DDS away, and took my M.D. away.
Then I was known as Fred Johnson with an STD.
Soon after, the STD took away my Johnson, and now I’m just Fred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ocqmg/a_guy_is_speeding_and_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
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Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ocmgd/reunion/
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Don’t ever get into a romantic relationship with a tennis player...

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ocihm/dont_ever_get_into_a_romantic_relationship_with_a/
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender says sorry, we dont serve food here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ocg69/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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When you're getting old

An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.“
The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it had been on the previous day.
Naturally the doctor inquired as to what happened.
“Well doctor,” the old man explained, “it was like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, and still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, still nothing. We even called up Maggie, the lady next door. She tried with both hands, followed by her armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees. However still nothing.“
Looking shocked the doctor said, “You asked a neighbour?“
To which the old man replied, “Yes but none of us could get the lid off the jar.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ocfew/when_youre_getting_old/
%
Three guys get shipwrecked on an uncharted island...

Three guys get shipwrecked on an uncharted island and wake up in the captivity of an ugly troll. The troll tells each of them that they must go out into the wilderness and bring back 5 fruits of any kind. So the men agreed to the challenge and set off to find their fruits.
The first guy comes back to the troll with 5 oranges, and the troll says, "If you wish to be free, you must put each and every orange up your arse without a reaction. If you succeed you are released for good. If you fail you shall become my supper!". So the first man pulls down his trousers, and gets half of an orange in before he winces in pain, and is thrown back into the cage.
The second man comes back and is told the same thing, but this one brought blueberries. He pops one in, two, three, and on the fourth one he bursts out laughing, and is tossed into the cage. The first guy asks "Why did you laugh? You could have gone free!". The second man replies, "It was all going well until I saw the other guy running back with an armload of pineapples."
This was an OLD joke that I've told to friends since grade 7, it's not my own but I don't know where it came from, nonetheless I hope you all get some good laughs out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oceie/three_guys_get_shipwrecked_on_an_uncharted_island/
%
Fat man decides to lose weight...

Tried every diet, yet nothing works. Later, while browsing he sees some ad, saying "Lose 20kg in an hour!". Being desperate, he gives that company a call, they reply, saying that they gonna come to his house tomorrow.
Tommorow comes, door bell rings, fat man opens the door only to see an insanely beautiful, naked woman holding sign with inscription saying "Catch me - and I'm yours". After few hours of trying to catch her, he finally manages to and does what any man would do. He pays, she leaves, and man decides to check his weight - and is suprised to see he actually lost 20kg.
He calls that company again and yells "I want to lose 30kg!!"
"No problem" they say and next say he opens door to see even more stunning woman with sign saying "Catch me and I'm yours". Few hours of running, he chases her down and gets his reward again. Checks weight - minus 30kg!
He calls company again and happily screams "I want to lose 50kg!!"
"You sure?"
"Yes, of course!"
"Alright then."
Next day door bell rings, man hurries to open it and sees a huge, bulky gorilla with sign saying "You better hope I don't catch you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8occ8b/fat_man_decides_to_lose_weight/
%
If a vegetarian often eats vegetables, then

a humanitarian? Oh crap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oc7x2/if_a_vegetarian_often_eats_vegetables_then/
%
How do you scare a blind person?

Yell “catch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oc7eb/how_do_you_scare_a_blind_person/
%
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it..

We had some drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oc6rp/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oc4vb/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
%
Build a man a fire he'll be warm for the night

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oc1cc/build_a_man_a_fire_hell_be_warm_for_the_night/
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The airline smashed my luggage

so I asked my lawyer if I could sue them...  he said, "you don't have much of a case".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8obzzj/the_airline_smashed_my_luggage/
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What's the difference between flying pigs and politicians?

The letter f.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8obwzi/whats_the_difference_between_flying_pigs_and/
%
Little Johnny, The UPS Guy, And Johnny’s Mom

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.  Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8obupv/little_johnny_the_ups_guy_and_johnnys_mom/
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An Email from God

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and said, maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another point of view.
So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned she went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God said this was not good. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said????
You didn't get one either,.....huh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8obrm7/an_email_from_god/
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So this man walks into a bar

And sits down alone, and orders a drink. He empties his glass and the bartender leans over and asks if he would like another. The man opens his wallet and looks at the small photo displayed in the clear sleeve, and after a moment he puts it down and accepts the bartenders offer. This goes on throughout the evening and after his fourth drink he orders one more. The bartender leans to him and says "alright sir, I'll give you another, on the condition that you tell me what that photo is of". The man smirks to himself and says "well, it's a photo of my wife. I always bring it with me when I drink. I know it's time to go home when she starts lookin good"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8obrak/so_this_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call an empty jar of cheese whiz?

Cheese was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8obkh2/what_do_you_call_an_empty_jar_of_cheese_whiz/
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What will a gay politician never give you?

A straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8obibk/what_will_a_gay_politician_never_give_you/
%
To show off how wealthy he was, I saw a guy inhale a line of 24K gold dust

It was really Au inspiring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8obfou/to_show_off_how_wealthy_he_was_i_saw_a_guy_inhale/
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How do you leave some one in suspense?

I’ll tell you later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8obevq/how_do_you_leave_some_one_in_suspense/
%
What do two rednecks say after breaking up?

Lets just be cousins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8obenm/what_do_two_rednecks_say_after_breaking_up/
%
Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it?

He had a PH D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8obel2/did_you_hear_about_the_professor_who_could_tell/
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I put ketchup in my German friend's eye as a prank

In Heinz sight it probably wasn't a good idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8obeah/i_put_ketchup_in_my_german_friends_eye_as_a_prank/
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My wife got into a car crash

The Cops suspended her licence, and slapped her with a fine. She tried to argue that the guy was drinking and speaking on the phone. The Cops didn't care, they said he has a full right to do what he wants on his own front porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8obcwx/my_wife_got_into_a_car_crash/
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Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?

The grass tickles their balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8obc4n/why_do_dwarfs_laugh_when_they_play_soccer/
%
At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine

It would always make me sleepy and I’d wake up with a sore arse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ob90l/at_a_young_age_i_realised_i_was_allergic_to/
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Some people have 32 teeth

Some have 10.
It's simple meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ob3bc/some_people_have_32_teeth/
%
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'
'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'
'We do now, asshole!' Shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ob2cv/heisenberg_schroedinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ob0sm/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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What do you get when you mix a gullible person and an optimistic person?

Read it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oayyw/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_gullible_person/
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The lizard that smoked pot.....

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oayy2/the_lizard_that_smoked_pot/
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Officer: "How high are you?"

Me: "It's 'Hi, how are you.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oayxz/officer_how_high_are_you/
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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project....

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oawqc/when_nasa_was_preparing_for_the_apollo_project/
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Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?

He had to be honorably discharged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oavj6/did_you_hear_about_the_soldier_who_got_struck_by/
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Why can't a vampire accidentally get you pregnant?

They have to ask you before they come inside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oasre/why_cant_a_vampire_accidentally_get_you_pregnant/
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Really made me smile when I walked past a group of midget mathematicians today...

It's the little things that count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oaqe5/really_made_me_smile_when_i_walked_past_a_group/
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So there’s this guy who is just a head. No body, no torso, nothing.

He has a crush on this girl, so he asks her to the dance. She really pities him, so she says yes.
They get to the dance and a slow song plays. He asks her to dance. She says no, because it would be weird to dance with a head. The boy is heartbroken and goes outside for some fresh air in tears. He sees a shooting star, and decides to make a wish. He says, “I wish I was literally anything besides a head!” And so he turns into a grape. He rolls himself back inside up to the girl and says, “I’m a grape now. Will you please find it in your heart to dance with me?” And she steps on him.
Moral of the story?
Quit while you’re ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oap68/so_theres_this_guy_who_is_just_a_head_no_body_no/
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Why do blond girls like odd numbers?

Because they can’t even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oang0/why_do_blond_girls_like_odd_numbers/
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A pervert and a jerk are having a walk at the forest...

A pervert and a jerk are having a walk at the forest, when suddenly a fairy appears and offers 3 wishes to each one.
The pervert has the first turn, and he wishes for the whole forest to be filled with women only for him. His wish is done, the forest is full of women.
It’s the jerk’s turn, and he wishes for a helmet.
“Ok”, the fairy says, and gives him a helmet.
It’s the pervert’s turn, and he wishes for the whole country to be filled with hot women only for him. His wish is done.
It’s the jerk’s turn again, and he wishes for a motorcycle. The fairy gives one to him.
It’s the pervert’s last turn, and he wishes for the whole world to be full of hot women only for him. His wish is done.
Now it’s the jerk’s 3rd and final wish.
The jerk smiles and says:
“I wish this guy was permanently impotent.”, as he went on full speed in the motorcycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oai6d/a_pervert_and_a_jerk_are_having_a_walk_at_the/
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You wanted to know if the ship was moving, or if it was just wind

weather or knot, it mattered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oah43/you_wanted_to_know_if_the_ship_was_moving_or_if/
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What's the difference between a penis and a toothbrush?

If you clicked because you didn't know, let me know next time you brush your teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oac5t/whats_the_difference_between_a_penis_and_a/
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Two boys are camping in the woods when one of them collapses

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other boy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a brief silence when a sound like an axe hitting a watermelon is heard.
Back on the phone, the boy says, "OK, now what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oabm3/two_boys_are_camping_in_the_woods_when_one_of/
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I hate elevators.

I’ll be taking steps to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oaanf/i_hate_elevators/
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A boy is talking to his father

"Dad," he asks, "why is my sister named Teresa?"
"Well son," replies his father, "your mother loves Easter, and I'm a fan of anagrams, so we combined both."
"Aw, that's really nice, thanks dad."
"No problem, Alan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oa9x2/a_boy_is_talking_to_his_father/
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How do you piss off a female archaeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oa9nk/how_do_you_piss_off_a_female_archaeologist/
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I don't fuss over the difference between "can" and "may" like other English teachers.

In fact, once a student asked me this: "Can you give me an example of future progressive tense?"
I responded with "Certainly. I will be seeing you after class."
He must have wanted another example, as he was still standing in my classroom when I arrived the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oa96i/i_dont_fuss_over_the_difference_between_can_and/
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A man goes on a date

Friend: 'How did your date go?'
Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'
Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'
Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oa8yp/a_man_goes_on_a_date/
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I broke up with my first girlfriend because she didn’t believe in me.

Which was ridiculous, because she was the imaginary one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oa47l/i_broke_up_with_my_first_girlfriend_because_she/
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Where does steel wool come from?

Dodge Rams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8oa30e/where_does_steel_wool_come_from/
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A man is walking his son through the park...

... when his son notices two teenagers having sex on a bench.
He says "Dad, what are those two doing?"
The dad turns his head in the direction of the teenagers and stutters "They're, umm, making cakes".
The son seems satisfied with this answer and they continue walking in a different direction.
Later, the father takes his son to the zoo. The young boy notices two monkeys having sex in a tree. He says "Dad, what are they doing?"
The dad looks up, remembers his answer from before, and says "They are making cakes too".
The son seems satisfied with this answer and the pair head off to a different exhibit.
A few days later, the son sees his dad on the computer. He taps him on the knee to get his attention and asks "Dad, were you and Mommy making cakes in the living room?"
The dad gasps but does his best to try and look normal, and with a cold sweat running down his face, he asks "How did you know?"
The boy's mouth extends into a smile and he says "Because I licked the icing off the sofa"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o9x1g/a_man_is_walking_his_son_through_the_park/
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Why are you wasting money on drinking ?

Wife:Why are you wasting money on drinking ?
Husband : Why are you wasting money on Beauty Parlors ?
Wife: It is for you only, so that I can look beautiful to you.
Husband : I am also drinking just for you , so that you look beautiful to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o9tbq/why_are_you_wasting_money_on_drinking/
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Why do Elephants....

Paint their testicles green?
So they can hide in avocado trees!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o9ruo/why_do_elephants/
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Ducks

Me and my three friends all died and went to heaven(luckily)when we all arrived at the gate to heaven an angel told us that we could do whatever we wanted except no stepping on ducks. We all replied with That’s easy thanks and walked away. After a little bit one of the friends walked away. When he came back he was with a super ugly girl. We all asked what happened, “I stepped on a duck”. Next friend goes comes back with an ugly girl “stepped on a duck.” Third friend comes back with a super hot girl. We all asked “what happened?” The girl said” I stepped on a duck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o9op0/ducks/
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What's got 99 balls and makes old ladies sweat?

Bingo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o9iln/whats_got_99_balls_and_makes_old_ladies_sweat/
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A man walks up to the ticket counter at a movie theater with his family movie...

“Four tickets for that Star Wars movie.”
“Solo?”
“No, I said *four* tickets.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o9i6t/a_man_walks_up_to_the_ticket_counter_at_a_movie/
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I like my jokes on r/jokes like I like my coffee

Exactly the same as yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o9fba/i_like_my_jokes_on_rjokes_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A husband and his wife went to a court so they could get divorced

Judge: You have three kids, how do you intend to split custody?
The husband and wife had a long conversation and said "Judge, we've decided to come back next year with an extra child"
Nine month's later the wife had twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o9b5m/a_husband_and_his_wife_went_to_a_court_so_they/
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Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.

He asked St Peter “what is with all the clocks?”
St Peter responded, “These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock.  Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.”
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving.  "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa.  She never told a lie.
“Whose is that?” Abe Lincoln's.  It moved two ticks.  Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, “Where's Donald Trump’s clock?”
St. Peter responded “It’s in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o9avd/upon_arriving_at_the_pearly_gates_of_heaven_a_man/
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Where does President Clinton come?

On a blue dress between two bushes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o99jm/where_does_president_clinton_come/
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The Legendary Voodoo Dick

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone.  So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence. After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help.  The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Dick." "How does it work?" asked the businessman. The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Dick that door."  The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half. "Fantastic," said the man.  "I'll take it!" He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip.  Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Dick my pussy." The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm.  But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop.  So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police.  The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn't leave her alone. The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Dick, my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o98of/the_legendary_voodoo_dick/
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A man is in Iraq and sees a fancy antique lamp for sale in shop.

The shop owner assured the man that if he rubbed the lamp a genie would appear and he would get 3 wishes.
The man spent many days planning for his three wishes and finally rubbed the lamp.
When the genie appeared the man exclaimed in wonder.  It was true!  "For my first wish....."
The Genie cut him off.  "First wish!  This isn't a fairy tale!  First wish!  You only get one wish."
The man sighed, "Okay.. fine then only the first wish... my wife has always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I get so air sick and boats would take too long.  So build me a road to Hawaii."
The genie was shocked.  "Listen man, that road would be a couple thousand miles long and roads are made of concrete and concrete doesn't float.  This road would need supports and ocean pressure would require the support columns double in width every hundred feet.  By the time they got to the ocean floor they would be over 5 miles wide.  That would take the entire concrete production of the  world for two full years and would displace ocean water and increase flooding everywhere! I mean, this is magic... but be reasonable!"
The man sighed. "Okay... wish number 2.  I have always wanted to understand women."
The genie replied.  "Okay... so two lane good enough or 4 lane divided?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o96oz/a_man_is_in_iraq_and_sees_a_fancy_antique_lamp/
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Once upon a time there was a girl,

this girl had the ability to heal others any other living thing imaginable. One day a very injured demon came into her door and out of the kindness of her heart she healed him. The demon rose up and thanked her while he girl outstretched her hand to shake it, as was customary. But alas the demon flew away. For healing a demon the town denounced her and called her a heretic and decided he lynch her. As she was hanging the demon flew in and saved her. She asked “Why did you save me” he replied. “I’m not just gonna leave you hanging!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o9269/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_girl/
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I wrote a book about how to tell a believable joke story and I'm selling it on Amazon

But nobody buys it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o8ye8/i_wrote_a_book_about_how_to_tell_a_believable/
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Being in a state of depression is one of the worst place to find yourself.

But at least it's not Mississippi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o8ydw/being_in_a_state_of_depression_is_one_of_the/
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What's the best thing about having a blind girlfriend?

Knowing that she isn't seeing other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o8wl6/whats_the_best_thing_about_having_a_blind/
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A man goes to meet a fortune teller

As he sits down she starts: "So I see, you're a father of two kids..."
"Ha, that's a bad guess", the man replies, "I'm father of three."
The fortune teller smiles: "yes, that's what YOU believe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o8vcw/a_man_goes_to_meet_a_fortune_teller/
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Whats worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o8up7/whats_worse_than_running_with_scissors/
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A duck walks into a bar...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. "With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement and says. "What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o8u3t/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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Only Anti-vaxxers will get this...

Polio and Measles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o8u0v/only_antivaxxers_will_get_this/
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Hung Chow and his Boss

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o8tp5/hung_chow_and_his_boss/
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Husband comes home to his wife putting a load into the dishwasher

Husband: "Hey Honey, what are you doing?"
Wife: "Just putting a load into the dishwasher, how about you?"
Husband: "Trying to put a load into the dish washer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o8q6o/husband_comes_home_to_his_wife_putting_a_load/
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o8oer/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_yesterday/
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What do you call a Czechoslovakian abortion?

A canceled  Czech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o8mp8/what_do_you_call_a_czechoslovakian_abortion/
%
Why does 3 always win?

Because it tries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o8h57/why_does_3_always_win/
%
When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it

I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o8e1w/when_i_was_little_my_dad_used_to_feed_me_alphabet/
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Arguing with a woman is like reading the software licence agreement.

In the end you ignore everything and click "I agree".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o89s6/arguing_with_a_woman_is_like_reading_the_software/
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Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters

Ten long miserable years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o87yw/statistics_show_that_vegetarians_live_on_average/
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See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis...

...and only enough blood to run one at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o86fv/see_the_problem_is_that_god_gives_men_a_brain_and/
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Did you hear about a scarecrow who won a Nobel prize?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o82ol/did_you_hear_about_a_scarecrow_who_won_a_nobel/
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Weekend

A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”
Kid says, “$101,237.64.” Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”
Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”
Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o7zci/weekend/
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My wife reversed into our neighbours tree, knocking it over...

I told her she's gotta look where she's walking next time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o7y1a/my_wife_reversed_into_our_neighbours_tree/
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I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?!” I cried.
“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look!” he shouted, pointing excitedly.
And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o7ptb/i_took_my_7_year_old_son_to_the_zoo_today_and_as/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o7kzw/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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Why did the porcupine stab the petshop owner

He rubbed him the wrong way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o7jk6/why_did_the_porcupine_stab_the_petshop_owner/
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Why is my name daisy..

A baby cow asks her mother “why is my name daisy?” The mother  says “Because when you were born a daisy landed on your head.” Another baby cow asks “why is my name rose?” The mother than says again, “because when you were born a rose fell on your head.” Than you hear “DURDUHUEIJWJAI.”  ..mother cow-“shut up brick”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o7jbl/why_is_my_name_daisy/
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I was waiting at the bus stop earlier....

...when a bloke just walked up to me and hit me with a stick for no reason.
Needless to say I kicked the shit out off him and just to teach him a lesson I punched his Labrador too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o7dny/i_was_waiting_at_the_bus_stop_earlier/
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Sgeg

Anyone for scrambled eggs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o7cxn/sgeg/
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What’s a walrus favorite part of a house?

The walls!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o7cv9/whats_a_walrus_favorite_part_of_a_house/
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I met my wife at a travel agency..

She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o7azb/i_met_my_wife_at_a_travel_agency/
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How does a robot have a one-night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o7ako/how_does_a_robot_have_a_onenight_stand/
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So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with...

"Maybe next time" wasn't the best response. Who knew?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o73a3/so_apparently_rsvping_to_a_wedding_invite_with/
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Christmas tip:

Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o72vo/christmas_tip/
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[OC] What’s the most ironic amusement park ride?

The ferrous wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o70yj/oc_whats_the_most_ironic_amusement_park_ride/
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Why does nobody talks to pi?

He's irrational and he goes on forever..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o70bt/why_does_nobody_talks_to_pi/
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Sex is like the ocean.

And I'm a fresh water fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o6zi3/sex_is_like_the_ocean/
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A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o6ys0/a_math_professor_john_is_having_problems_with_his/
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The wife just told me"I think you've had an affair with that Welsh tart, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".....

I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o6tda/the_wife_just_told_mei_think_youve_had_an_affair/
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I don’t trust my blind girlfriend....

I’m afraid she’s seeing other people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o6mau/i_dont_trust_my_blind_girlfriend/
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A high-end lawyer is leaving his car when he gets sideswiped by a passing truck.

He calls the cops and he start complaining to them about how the truck had ruin his beautiful Roles Royce. The cop looks at him and sneers, “you lawyers, always so concerned about your money. You are so busy worrying about your car that you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing.”
The lawyer looks at his missing arm in horror and screams, “oh no, my Rolex!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o6hl1/a_highend_lawyer_is_leaving_his_car_when_he_gets/
%
A man walks into a bar and brings his dog...

The bartender says to the man, “Hey! You can’t bring that in here!”
The man looks at him and says, “don’t worry, he’s my Seeing Eye dog.”
The bartender says, “Oh ok. Sorry to disturb you sir.”
The man finishes his drink and walks out of the bar. He runs into another man who is bringing his Chihuahua in. He says to him, “hey, if you tell the bartender that’s your Seeing Eye dog, he’ll let you bring it in.”
So the guy walks into the bar with his Chihuahua. The bartender says, “Hey! You can’t bring that in here!”
The guy says, “Don’t worry, he’s my seeing eye dog.”
The bartender quickly catches on and says, “Pffft, there’s no such thing as a seeing eye dog that’s a chihuahua!”
The guy looks at him confusingly and says, “wait, they gave me a chihuahua?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o6f8h/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_brings_his_dog/
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I lost my mood ring today...

I'm not too sure how I feel about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o6euk/i_lost_my_mood_ring_today/
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My Grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o6eot/my_grandfather_warned_people_that_the_titanic/
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A US mint worker couldn't figure out how to fix the penny-producing machine...

... once he figured it out it made sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o6cpf/a_us_mint_worker_couldnt_figure_out_how_to_fix/
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I am fascinated by mountains.

They peak my interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o69y9/i_am_fascinated_by_mountains/
%
Bought a dog off a blacksmith today

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o68ox/bought_a_dog_off_a_blacksmith_today/
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When nothing is going your way

You’re in the wrong lane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o66c5/when_nothing_is_going_your_way/
%
If at first you don’t succeed

Don’t try skydiving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o64pf/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One! They are efficient and not very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o64lu/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o64ek/what_do_you_call_a_vegetarian_with_diarrhea/
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What do you call a stripper with a 9mm up her ass?

A split sentence, because she’s putting a semi in the colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o5x15/what_do_you_call_a_stripper_with_a_9mm_up_her_ass/
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I used scissors to unclog my toilet

I just cut the crap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o5vi0/i_used_scissors_to_unclog_my_toilet/
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What's brown and sticky?

Shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o5sl9/whats_brown_and_sticky/
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I got my wife the most expensive Valentine's gift...

Divorce papers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o5s79/i_got_my_wife_the_most_expensive_valentines_gift/
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An invisible man was in the waiting room.

"Your patient is here, doctor," the nurse said.
The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o5rc1/an_invisible_man_was_in_the_waiting_room/
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I took my sick dog to the vet, and they told me that the best option was for my dog to go live with some children in China.

Although, I'm surprised that he referred to them as the "youth in Asia".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o5n98/i_took_my_sick_dog_to_the_vet_and_they_told_me/
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Don't call yourself a Chainsmokers fan...

..unless you have stage 4 lung cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o5mn5/dont_call_yourself_a_chainsmokers_fan/
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That’s magic...

I saw Magic Johnson yesterday, so I shook his hand and said, "How do you
do, Magic?"
He replied, "No idea , basketball's more my thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o5jsr/thats_magic/
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Stupid joke I made when I was young

What do you call a fat monster who’s okay-at-best at his job?
Meaty ogre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o5if2/stupid_joke_i_made_when_i_was_young/
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Buying a hinge

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing. So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the Manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?" The Manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $5,000". Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet - certainly out of my price range." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy. The Manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49, then he went into the backroom to get one. From the backroom the Manager yelled "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?" Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
.............
This is why you just can't send a woman to Home Depot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o5hvh/buying_a_hinge/
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I wish I had forearms

But like most people, I only have 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o5ggg/i_wish_i_had_forearms/
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A guy gets thrown out of a bar.

Two priests approach the guy that was thrown out. He looks at the first priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest shakes his head.
The guy looks at the second priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest also shakes his head.
"Okay, let me prove it to you." The guy walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back already?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o5dfs/a_guy_gets_thrown_out_of_a_bar/
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o5a61/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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My girlfriend finally agreed to try a threesome.

Boy was my wife surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o55mp/my_girlfriend_finally_agreed_to_try_a_threesome/
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What's the opposite of progress?

Congress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o55ca/whats_the_opposite_of_progress/
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I just had a physical. The doctor said: “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, “Like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o52y2/i_just_had_a_physical_the_doctor_said_dont_eat/
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Here at Goldman and smith therapy office

We take the "the" out of psychotherapist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o51qu/here_at_goldman_and_smith_therapy_office/
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What do you call a sick bird from another country?

An ill-eagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o4xop/what_do_you_call_a_sick_bird_from_another_country/
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Why does Michael J. Fox make really good milkshakes?

Because he’s rich and can afford the best ingredients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o4x99/why_does_michael_j_fox_make_really_good_milkshakes/
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Confederate states be like

When you try your best but you don’t secede.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o4x0l/confederate_states_be_like/
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A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel.

As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled".
The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick f**k".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o4puh/a_man_on_vacation_with_his_family_arrives_at_a/
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My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o4lpv/my_friend_karen_and_i_visited_a_place_you_can/
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Why do the Irish make terrible lawyers?

They've never passed the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o4led/why_do_the_irish_make_terrible_lawyers/
%
Yo momma is so fat...

When the doctors told her she had flesh-eating bacteria they gave her 10 years to live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o4kl3/yo_momma_is_so_fat/
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My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o4fop/my_dad_always_told_me_he_never_made_the_same/
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Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o4fif/q_if_a_mans_signature_is_called_a_john_hancock/
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What do you call flat Mountain Dew?

Plateau Dew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o4ev1/what_do_you_call_flat_mountain_dew/
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I've been hiring a blind prostitute lately,

And I really have to hand it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o4d6v/ive_been_hiring_a_blind_prostitute_lately/
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What do you do if a stickman starts a fight with you?

Punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o4agx/what_do_you_do_if_a_stickman_starts_a_fight_with/
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Did you hear about the huge sale they just had on canoes?

It was quite the oar deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o48ws/did_you_hear_about_the_huge_sale_they_just_had_on/
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I'm an insomniac agnostic who suffers from dyslexia.

I stay awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o43qu/im_an_insomniac_agnostic_who_suffers_from_dyslexia/
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Chegg Serial Killer

(I originally posted this on /r/JokeShop, and am still very open to improvements.)
I messed up badly, and I want to share my story.
A few years ago, I was offered a dream job at my school's career fair. Great company, great pay, great benefits, just great all around. There was only one stipulation: I had to finish that final semester with a 4.0 GPA.
As the semester was wrapping up, I was stressed and busy and needed help. I posted three of my classes' final assignments on Chegg (a well-known homework help site), and I ended up submitting all of the answers the Chegg "experts" gave me.
I failed all of those assignments, and dropped to a B in those classes. Chegg had taken away my dream job that I had worked so hard for that semester, and I didn't have any backup plan. My initial shock soon turned to anger, and I decided to track down and kill all of the people who ruined my life by incorrectly answering my questions on Chegg.
I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say that I have a very particular set of skills, and I found those damned Cheggs one by one. I abducted and killed each one, careful to leave no incriminating evidence, and buried them all in a single makeshift coffin in the middle of the woods.
Since the three were all from different parts of the country, they were all handled by local authorities and no connection among the victims was even considered. I had gotten away with the perfect crime. Until... well...
Apparently bodies generate a lot of gas as they decompose, and three bodies decomposing in a single coffin in a shallow grave were too much to contain. The coffin burst, a small sinkhole formed above it, and some hunter noticed the smell and reported it to authorities.
Once the DNA had been identified, the Chegg connection was quickly made, and before I knew it I had a SWAT team outside my door.
I'm on death row now, and when I look back I can't believe how foolish I was.... It didn't have to be this way.
So, Reddit, don't repeat my mistake.
Never put all your Cheggs in one casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o42p6/chegg_serial_killer/
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I used to be a Werewolf.

But I’m alright NAAAOOOOOOOW...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o40mr/i_used_to_be_a_werewolf/
%
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o3zih/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_luke_got_him_for/
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Why did the half blind man fall into a well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o3z7g/why_did_the_half_blind_man_fall_into_a_well/
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A guy walks into a pub, sits down and orders a pint.

After a minute, he stands on his chair and tells the pub the funniest joke he knows. The place is filled with silence and everyone carries on drinking.
After an hour, another man in the pub stands on his chair and tells the pub a joke. The place erupts! People are rolling around on the floor, unable to contain themselves. It's easily the best joke anyone here has ever heard. Everyone in the pub personally walks over to the man and shakes his hand. All, except for the guy who told the first joke...
"I don't understand", he says to the barman, "that was the exact same joke I told, but he just changed the names".
The barman shrugs and says, "Mate, you've walked into r/jokes. They love a good repost".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o3yq3/a_guy_walks_into_a_pub_sits_down_and_orders_a_pint/
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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard... The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o3xsy/a_couple_of_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one/
%
A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.
"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"
"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"
"What do you do for fun"
"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"
"Who'd you vote for in the last election"
"Trump."
The next day, the headline reads:
*GUN TOTING RIGHT WING CRAZY REPUBLICAN CRAZED VETERAN CAPITALIST PUNCHES AN AFRICAN IMMIGRANT IN THE FACE, STEALS HIS LUNCH*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o3wng/a_man_jumps_into_a_lions_cage_to_save_a_5_year/
%
My grandmother has been walking 3 miles a day every day for the last five years

and now we don't know where the hell she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o3tzr/my_grandmother_has_been_walking_3_miles_a_day/
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I told my wife I saw someone fall under the bus today. She said, “Oh my God, was it moving?”

I said, “A few people were crying, but I was fine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o3s3y/i_told_my_wife_i_saw_someone_fall_under_the_bus/
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Just how deep is the average vagina?

Deep enough for a man to lose his house, his car, his dog, and half of his savings and assets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o3rv9/just_how_deep_is_the_average_vagina/
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(My 8yo Daughter) How many cookies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They don't, I eat them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o3rgh/my_8yo_daughter_how_many_cookies_does_it_take_to/
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I was on an airline a couple weeks ago

I guess the pilot had forgotten to turn of the PA system, and said aloud on the speaker "damn, I could really go for a blowjob and a coffee right about now" A flight attendant ran past me heading to the cockpit and the guy next to me said "excuse me miss, I think you forgot his coffee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o3na0/i_was_on_an_airline_a_couple_weeks_ago/
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I have a soft spot for pizza...

My belly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o3mlk/i_have_a_soft_spot_for_pizza/
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The doctor said I can’t lift anything heavy for the next two weeks

I guess I gotta sit down to pee now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o3ikq/the_doctor_said_i_cant_lift_anything_heavy_for/
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My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.
One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.
It was a sham rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o3epa/my_boyfriend_bought_me_a_diamond_ring/
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Fun fact: Mr Spock actually had three ears.

*The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o3d3w/fun_fact_mr_spock_actually_had_three_ears/
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A dog may well be a man's best friend…

…but a cat will never tell the police where your marijuana is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o384j/a_dog_may_well_be_a_mans_best_friend/
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Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking meth and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your asshole before prison…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o36bd/two_guys_were_picked_up_by_the_cops_for_smoking/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman last night and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed

After two minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o2w6b/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_last/
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A priest was performing mass one Sunday...

A priest was performing mass one Sunday in his village in Poland when suddenly, in the middle of the service, he let one rip on accident. He was hoping that nobody heard it, but to his dismay, a wave of disgust fell on the faces of those in the congregation. After the service, he was berated by nearly everyone in attendance for “insulting Jesus” and “bringing shame to the church.” The next Sunday, next to no one was in attendance at church, and those who came refused to talk to the priest after mass. The next day he left his village in shame and embarrassment and moved to the United States to start a new life. He found a job and a wife and raised a beautiful family. He became an American citizen and got a high paying job. He was living the American dream, but in the back of his mind, he was still uneasy about how he left his village, and always wanted to go back.
Decades later, the priest had become an old man and was becoming very sick. He had told his children that he wished to go back to Poland before his death, just to get some closure. Finally he flew back to his village, looking unrecognizable from his past self. Life in the village was continuing as normal, and when he went to church a few days after he arrived, he was happy to see that it was in full attendance, showing that no one remembered his incident that one Sunday and that it was forgotten history. At peace with himself, he went to the church coffee hour, where a young boy, who clearly had never seen him before, asked him who he was. The priest laughed.
“You definitely haven’t seen me before. I haven’t been to this village since 1923.” The boy’s eyes lit up.
“1923! That was the year the priest farted in church!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o2uso/a_priest_was_performing_mass_one_sunday/
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Grandpa said he wanted to be buried with his golf clubs

But this is taking forever and my arms are tired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o2uoi/grandpa_said_he_wanted_to_be_buried_with_his_golf/
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Could glass coffin be a thing of the future ?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o2sqc/could_glass_coffin_be_a_thing_of_the_future/
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Only anti-vaxxers kids will get this

Polio and Measles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o2r6y/only_antivaxxers_kids_will_get_this/
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How many kids with A.D.D does it take to screw in a light bulb

Do you wanna go ride bikes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o2r1r/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A man is suffering with very bad headaches

So he eventually goes to see the Doctor who offers him a solution. ‘The good news is that I can cure your headaches,’ says the Dr. ‘The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press against the base of your spine. It’s this pressure that’s causing your headaches.’ Shocked by these revelations the man leaves, but with the headaches not getting better, he eventually agrees to go under the knife.
After the op he feels great for the first time in ages. As he’s walking along the street he passes by a tailor’s and decides to treat himself. As he enters the tailor looks at him and says, ‘Let’s see, I’d say you take a size 44 long?’ The man scoffs, ‘That’s right. How did you know my exact size?’
‘It’s my job to know,’ says the tailor. ‘How about a new shirt to go with it? I’d say you take a 34 sleeve with a 16 neck.’
‘Right again!’ Says the man. ‘How on earth?’
‘It’s my job,’ says the tailor. ‘What about some new underwear to finish off your new look? Let’s see, I’d say you’re a size 36.’ The man laughs, ‘ wrong this time! I’m actually a 34. I’ve worn size 34 since I was 16.’
The tailor tuts,’You shouldn’t do that, sir. You see a size 34 would press your testicles against your spine and give you terrible headaches.’
Not OC but haven’t seen this on here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o2qr0/a_man_is_suffering_with_very_bad_headaches/
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No means no! Unless she's dyslexic...

...Then it's on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o2oos/no_means_no_unless_shes_dyslexic/
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I was walking down the street the other day and I saw 4 guys ganging up on a little kid

I walked right on past because I figured reposting would be a bigger crime than helping beat the kid up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o2l8p/i_was_walking_down_the_street_the_other_day_and_i/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer.

He is doing some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o2fb3/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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Hitlers suicide

One jewish man tells a joke to a woman, so he says:
"Why did hitler commit suicide?"
She said: "I don't know."
he replies:".... He saw the gas bill."
Then she said:"That's horrible! How could you say that!"
And he replies: "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be joking about the holocaust. My great grandfather died in concentration camp."
The girl replies: "I'm so sorry to hear that."
And he says: "Yeah, it's sad, he fell off the guard tower."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o2dbv/hitlers_suicide/
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What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o2bv2/what_is_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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A lawyer gets pulled over by a cop

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign. The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the manoeuvre be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.
The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.
"I will accept that ticket if you can explain the legal difference between stopping and slowing down to a crawl, officer."
"Sure," said the officer, "please step out of the car."
The lawyer stepped out of his car and the officer withdrew his baton and hit the lawyer repeatedly with it.
"Now," said the officer, "do you want me to stop or just slow down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o27w6/a_lawyer_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
%
I rewinded my wedding tape today

it was wonderful, my wife was taking her ring off, leaving with her family...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o26p9/i_rewinded_my_wedding_tape_today/
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A Chicken walks into a Library

He goes up to the Librarian and says book-book-book-book-book. He then gives him a book.The chicken walks out of the library.
He comes back again and says book-book-book-book-book. The Librarian gives him another book.
Then later the chicken comes back in the library and says book-book-book-book-book. The Librarian gives him a book and the chicken heads on its way but this time the Librarian decides to follow him.He follows him through the street,the field and down to a river.The chicken crosses the river and gives the book to the Frog.The Frog throws it in the river and says "Reddit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o26jv/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
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I just ate all the insects in our nature reserve, and my boss is about to find out...

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o23iv/i_just_ate_all_the_insects_in_our_nature_reserve/
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Not many people know that Nelson was 5' 6" in real life. His statue in Trafalgar Square is 17'4"

That's a Horatio of around 3:1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o22g6/not_many_people_know_that_nelson_was_5_6_in_real/
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I remember when I was younger, I had a Chinese art teacher who told me he could tie a knot with his intestines by swallowing a piece of string.

I told him how ridiculous that sounded, so he reaches into the back of his pants and says "I shit you knot".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o207b/i_remember_when_i_was_younger_i_had_a_chinese_art/
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, hammered into the ground, again?

Repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o1yjk/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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Why can't you email a photo to a Jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o1ybm/why_cant_you_email_a_photo_to_a_jedi/
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A man goes out for cigarettes

After an  uneventful dinner with his wife, a man realizes he's out of cigarettes  and decides to stop at his local bar for a pack. The bartender says they  just started selling a new micro brew and offers him one on the house,  so he decides to stay for one drink.
When  he's just about finished a beautiful blonde enters the bar and sits  down next to him.  They strike up a conversation over another round of  drinks and she becomes progressively friendlier as the night goes on.   One thing leads to another and she ends up inviting him back to her  apartment.
Back at her place they end up  sharing a kiss, which escalates and leads them back to her bedroom for  several hours of carnal engagement.   Next thing he knows, it's 4 in the  morning. Jumping out of bed he asks the blonde if she has any baby  powder, and she says to check the bathroom cabinet.  He finds the baby  powder, dusts his hands, and races home like a bat out of hell, only to  find his wife waiting for him in the driveway with a rolling pin.
"You better have one hell of an explanation!" she screams.
"Well,  you see honey," the man stammers, "I went to the pub for cigarettes,  but Jake offered me a beer.  As I was about to leave this beautiful  blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and she invited me  back to her place..."
"Wait a minute," snaps his wife.  "Show me your hands," she said suspiciously, noticing the whiteness of his fingers.
Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't you ever try lying to me again, you rotten bastard... you've been out BOWLING again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o1xzz/a_man_goes_out_for_cigarettes/
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6 women at once sounds like a great idea...

Dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o1y06/6_women_at_once_sounds_like_a_great_idea/
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What do you want to be when you grow up? Featuring Lil Johnny

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o1xr2/what_do_you_want_to_be_when_you_grow_up_featuring/
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A Vampire comes home for the night

in bat form with blood covered all over his face, his three friends come up to him completely hypnotized by the scent of the blood, they ask him, “What did you get tonight?! That blood smells delicious!” The Vampire remains quiet and tells them not to worry about it. Though his friends continued persisting, “It doesn’t matter!” He exclaimed cleaning the blood off of his face. His friends asked him one more time still completely transfixed by the blood. “Fine!” He said still not happy about them asking. The Vampire steps out of the house and his friends follow him, “You see that tree over there?” The Vampire said, the three friends shook there heads excitedly in assurance seeing the tree. The Vampire than said “Because I sure as hell didn’t”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o1xoa/a_vampire_comes_home_for_the_night/
%
Don't spell part backwards.

It's a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o1wbi/dont_spell_part_backwards/
%
What do Bill Cosby and a burglar have in common?

They both wait until you're asleep, then come in the backdoor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o1va2/what_do_bill_cosby_and_a_burglar_have_in_common/
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A ventriloquist is performing...

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb\-blonde joke when a young platinum\-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o1uyp/a_ventriloquist_is_performing/
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A government study was funded to study various sexual perversions: sado-masochism, necrophilia and bestiality.

The study was soon halted however, the researchers decided they were just beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o1tru/a_government_study_was_funded_to_study_various/
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An engineer dies.

He proceeds up to the pearly gates and approaches Saint Peter.  Saint Peter checks his list, but does not see the engineer.  The engineer says, "I have lived my entire life for good, there must be some sort of mistake!"  But Saint Peter won't hear it, and sends him to hell.
When he gets to hell, he does not like it!  After a couple of eternities he approaches Satan.
"You know, it is hot down here!  Plus boring... there is nothing to do but burn and wail.  I have a couple of ideas that could help."
Later, God is calling Satan to gloat but Satan cuts him off.
"You know... it is not so bad down here.  One of the new souls installed some skylights and some bay windows and really opened up the place.  Plus he installed central air and even got us WiFi.  It has never been better down here."
God was confused. "Wait.. who did all this work?"
When Satan told God the name of the engineer, God checked his books.
God said to Satan.  "That guy doesn't belong in hell, there was a mistake. All engineers go to heaven, you know that. Send him up right away."
Satan replied with not just a no, but a hell no.  "He has some projects to do down here, he is now installing a swimming pool."
God got angry.  "Satan you cannot just keep him!  He belongs to me!  I.. well... I..   I'll sue!"
Satan just laughed.  "How are you going to do that?  I have all the lawyers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o1t9e/an_engineer_dies/
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Grandfather, are these plates clean?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."
Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get out of the way!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o1gdn/grandfather_are_these_plates_clean/
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I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder

So I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o1db0/i_always_keep_a_loaded_gun_on_my_nightstand_in/
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How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o1c2c/how_is_a_girlfriend_like_a_laxative/
%
I once saw a sign that said "Speed limit enforced by aircraft."

I'm pretty sure if you're getting pulled over by an F-16, you deserve to be driving that fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o19l4/i_once_saw_a_sign_that_said_speed_limit_enforced/
%
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to tell a joke?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o18xw/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to_tell/
%
I’m practically married to Reddit and it’s destroying my life.

Karma is a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o18sy/im_practically_married_to_reddit_and_its/
%
Two wrongs don’t make a right

But two wrights make a plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o18og/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
%
What do they call summer in Finland?

The best day of the year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o15tc/what_do_they_call_summer_in_finland/
%
A class comes in from recess and is given a spelling test.

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess" asks the teacher. "I played in the sandbox with Sally" says Jimmy. "That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!" Jimmy does and gets his reward.
"Sally, what did you do during recess?" "I played in the sand box with Jimmy!" "Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!" Sally does and gets a cookie.
"Jamal, what did you do during recess?" "I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me." "Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o12rd/a_class_comes_in_from_recess_and_is_given_a/
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The Pentagon decided on a psyops campaign...

that involved airdropping tons of gay pornography to make the enemy soldiers more wary of being captured by American forces. They coordinated with the Navy to ship the pornography over and then launch the airdrops from aircraft carriers.
They day before the porn shipment was set to arrive at the carrier the Pentagon called the Navy to stress that they wanted the dispersal carried out ASAP.
The Naval officer said “You guys were very clear on that from the start. So we went ahead and carried out the airdrops yesterday. No need to worry about a thing, it’s already done!”
The Pentagon official said “That can’t be true. You won’t have the payload until tomorrow morning.”
The Naval officer blinked at him in surprise and said “What, you expected us to give the enemy the new releases?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o0yri/the_pentagon_decided_on_a_psyops_campaign/
%
I was at the cannibal restaurant the other day and ordered some legs.

"Sorry," said the waiter, "they've just run out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o0wta/i_was_at_the_cannibal_restaurant_the_other_day/
%
Yesterday I saw some kid getting ganged up behind the school by 4 other kids.

As a senior, I have experienced bullying myself so I immediately jump in.
That kid got no chance against 5 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o0vew/yesterday_i_saw_some_kid_getting_ganged_up_behind/
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I'm not upset

It's fine that my imaginary friends decided to go see a movie and not invite me.  We don't have to do everything together.  But why couldn't they walk or take the bus instead of borrowing my car?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o0un8/im_not_upset/
%
I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World
2) I do not want to be cremated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o0u8u/i_have_two_conditions_in_my_will/
%
I like my slaves like I like my coffee.

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o0u2q/i_like_my_slaves_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Why do white girls travel in odd-numbered groups?

They literally can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o0sut/why_do_white_girls_travel_in_oddnumbered_groups/
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An English sailor is swept overboard and ends upon alone on an island

In a terrible storm in the south seas, an English sailor is swept overboard.  Somehow he manages to find enough wood to cling to, survives the storm, and eventually washes up on an island.
After giving up on any hope of a quick rescue, he realizes he must make do.  As an member of the Royal Navy, he must do his part of England wherever he goes.  And so he gets to work.
One morning, fifteen or twenty years alone, he wakes up to see an English ship\-of\-the\-line in the small bay.  The Captain rows ashore and asks the sailor to report.  The sailor tells him his tale and takes the Captain on a tour of his island.
"This pier you have built.  This is solid work."
"Thank you Captain."
"And your house!"
"I knew there was no room for self\-pity and wanted to make do.  I even built a fireplace to remind me of home, though I never use it.  Over here is my workshop where I made rope and stone tools. I dry fish over there.  Although I was alone all these years, as a member of the Royal Navy, I owed the Crown my best."
"And what's this?"  The Captain sees a small Church.  Wood beams, a fine altar, two or three pews, as though waiting to welcome any congregation.
"I didn't have a Bible, but I knew my hymnal and enough scripture to worship God properly."
"This is fine, fine work," the Captain sees another building on the far end of the beach.  "And what's that?"
"Oh, that's my old Church."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o0r9w/an_english_sailor_is_swept_overboard_and_ends/
%
I tried searching Google for cigarette lighters

And all I got was 15,000 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o0pbz/i_tried_searching_google_for_cigarette_lighters/
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A man with no arms was having sex with his girlfriend and she asked him to spank her

He said:"If you ask me to spank you one more time, I'm gonna kick your ass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o0jyd/a_man_with_no_arms_was_having_sex_with_his/
%
Man goes to doc

Man goes to the doctors and says 'my wife came in for blood tests last week and she won't tell me what's wrong with her' doctor says ' well I shouldn't really tell you but it's very strange and the tests were inconclusive - she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's '. Guy says 'oh man what shall I do?'  Doc says 'take her to the supermarket and leave her there, if she comes home don't fuck her'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o0di4/man_goes_to_doc/
%
My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.
"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.
"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o0d72/my_dad_just_called_a_family_meeting/
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Interviewer : Where do you see yourself in five years ?

Me: I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o0cde/interviewer_where_do_you_see_yourself_in_five/
%
100 years ago everyone had horses and only the rich had cars. Now everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

The stables have turned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o060m/100_years_ago_everyone_had_horses_and_only_the/
%
A train conductor was struck by lightning 15 times and miraculously survived

It turns out he was a bad conductor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o05ns/a_train_conductor_was_struck_by_lightning_15/
%
An old die-hard communist is on his deathbed

and he asks for a priest.
He wants to accept all the sacraments and become a full pledged Christian.
The priest is happy to oblige of course, but in the end he can't help to say: "So, when things finally got serious, you suddenly came to your senses, huh?"
"Yeah well, since I'm going to die, it's always better to have one less of you lot than us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o03u1/an_old_diehard_communist_is_on_his_deathbed/
%
An illustrator was found dead in his house

The investigation found his death to be in sketchy circumstances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o035t/an_illustrator_was_found_dead_in_his_house/
%
Two condoms are walking down the street..

..They walk past a gay club, one turns to the other and says "Hey wanna get shitfaced?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o01vo/two_condoms_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
Just tell the punchline first

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8o00bt/just_tell_the_punchline_first/
%
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket..

..She goes "Ohh, some asshole has my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nzu85/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
%
Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape but she got pissed off

when I started to hold auditions for her part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nzqi6/me_and_the_wife_decided_to_make_our_own_sex_tape/
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Since my wife left, I've bought a motorcycle, drugs and am currently in bed with two prostitutes.

She's going to be pissed off when she comes home from work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nzq7m/since_my_wife_left_ive_bought_a_motorcycle_drugs/
%
What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

How are we gonna find an egg in this shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nznul/what_did_one_gay_sperm_say_to_the_other_gay_sperm/
%
I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nzm9e/i_went_to_the_liquor_store_on_my_bicycle_and/
%
Why can't jello cubes dance?

Because they are a bunch of squares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nzgl1/why_cant_jello_cubes_dance/
%
A boy and his father are sitting at the breakfast table, when the boy looks up and says:

A boy and his father are sitting at the breakfast table when the boy looks up and says:
"Dad, why are they called butterflies?"
The father has no idea, but instead of showing himself ignorant, he replies:
"Because they are big flies that eat butter."
"Do we have any at home?"
"Well, we have butter in the house, don’t we?"
The boy considers this.
"But what about horse flies?" he asks.
"Oh yeah, they eat horses."
The boy's eyes grow large. "A-and do we have any at home?"
"Well, we don’t have horses, do we?"
The boy considers this, and then break into tears.
"Dad... D-do we have any cockroaches at home?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nza9g/a_boy_and_his_father_are_sitting_at_the_breakfast/
%
My friend was giving a speech on the benefits of communism at an auditorium

But he kept Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nz7ha/my_friend_was_giving_a_speech_on_the_benefits_of/
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I'm homophobic.

I'm afraid of my own house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nz5ii/im_homophobic/
%
A hairdresser got arrested for dealing drugs and running an escort service.

Unbelievable. Been a customer for years and I never knew he was a hairdresser!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nz2tg/a_hairdresser_got_arrested_for_dealing_drugs_and/
%
My wife got used to anal after a while.

She just stopped giving a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nz24d/my_wife_got_used_to_anal_after_a_while/
%
People who can’t accept the fact that they are in Africa’s biggest river

are in de nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nyz2r/people_who_cant_accept_the_fact_that_they_are_in/
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I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today

He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nywzj/i_asked_my_boss_if_i_can_come_to_work_a_little/
%
I finally realized why the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware is such a big deal

It depicts the last time someone willingly entered New Jersey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nyvqn/i_finally_realized_why_the_painting_of_washington/
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Three Blind Men and an Elephant

The first blind man gropes around and feels the elephant's butthole, butt cheeks and tail. After a few minutes he declares an elephant is like a stinky pig. The second blind man gropes around and feels the elephant's testicles, and after rubbing them for a few minutes, declares the first man is wrong, an elephant is like a hairless dog. The third blind man gropes around and finds the elephant's penis. After feeling it from end to end, the third blind man says they're both wrong, an elephant is actually like a very large snake.
The elephant says: "Let's check one more time to be sure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nyuk0/three_blind_men_and_an_elephant/
%
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, they wouldn't let me watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nyopy/how_many_lesbians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Why did JR Smith trip over his shoelaces?

Because he thought they were tied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nyo70/why_did_jr_smith_trip_over_his_shoelaces/
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Looking for a new lover

Was told this joke by an old HVAC guy while at work.
A widow has been lonely for a while now and she wants to be with another lover. So she puts a personal ad in the paper to find her new lover. The ad reads “Looking for a lover. Must never hit me, run around with other women and must be good in bed”
A couple of days later the woman hears someone ring her doorbell and opens it to find a man in a wheel chair with no legs or arms. The woman has no idea why this man is at her door step and asks him if she can help him.
The man says “I saw your ad in the paper and I’m here to be your lover”. The woman thinks this is a joke and curiously looks around to see if someone is playing a prank on her. The woman, curious with the man, asks “you have no arms or legs, how are you gonna be my lover?”
The man tells her “I have no arms, so I could never hit you. I have no legs so I could never run around with other woman. And as far as being good in bed, well how do you think I rang your doorbell?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nyo0h/looking_for_a_new_lover/
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A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline
Wooden tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nymaw/a_woman_got_breast_implants_made_of_wood_yesterday/
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Little Johnny

walks into a whore house and puts $5 on the table and says "Ma'am, I'd like me a whore." She says "how old is you boy?" He replies "I'm 17." She says "you're not old enough, go up to the old oak tree and practice for a year."
Little Johnny comes back 1 year later with the same $5 and slaps it on the table. "Ma'am, I'd like me a whore." Woman asks "how old is you boy?" Little Johnny replies "I'm 18." She says "go down to the last room on your right."
Little Johnny is so excited, as he opens the door there is a beautiful woman spread eagle waiting and says "come on." Little johnny runs to the closet and grabs a broom and starts shoving it into her. She screams "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?" He replies "just checking for squirrels ma'am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nyi4f/little_johnny/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a Japanese woman?

The feminist's pussy is furry, the Japanese's one is blurry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nygbi/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
High school was really nasty for me. I got bullied a lot, got called names. The school eventually had to call my mom.

She just said "he's my son I'll call him whatever I want"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nyf74/high_school_was_really_nasty_for_me_i_got_bullied/
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Why does no one trust the man on the moon?

He has a dark side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nydg7/why_does_no_one_trust_the_man_on_the_moon/
%
What are the two aspects of a joke?

Command C and Command V

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nyawa/what_are_the_two_aspects_of_a_joke/
%
Whats the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

With a porcupine the prick is always on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ny9tq/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
%
You know...if everyone on this world was fat

We would all be closer together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ny906/you_knowif_everyone_on_this_world_was_fat/
%
I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ny6wp/ive_been_diagnosed_with_a_chronic_fear_of_giants/
%
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash.

I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ny6q1/to_the_lady_at_costco_with_her_son_on_a_leash/
%
How did the Hawaiian hipster die?

He walked on lava before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ny4me/how_did_the_hawaiian_hipster_die/
%
A man asks a priest for God's help with his hearing......

'Of course! I'll give you God's blessing my child!', exclaims the priest.  He puts his hands on the man's ears and gives him God's blessing.
'Is your hearing ok now?', asks the priest.
'Beats me.', says the man, 'It's not on until next week.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ny1q6/a_man_asks_a_priest_for_gods_help_with_his_hearing/
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Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

But after a while, all you want is a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ny0me/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards_at_the_beginning/
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What do you call the aspect of pasta that allows it to stab you?

The penne trait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nxzve/what_do_you_call_the_aspect_of_pasta_that_allows/
%
"Honey! I'm pregnant, and we'll be happily expecting a baby soon!"

Says the woman.
But her wife was not happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nxx5s/honey_im_pregnant_and_well_be_happily_expecting_a/
%
What does the gingerbread man have for nipples?

OREOLAS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nxwid/what_does_the_gingerbread_man_have_for_nipples/
%
What do you call a kennel made of pennies, dimes, and quarters?

A Nickel-less Cage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nxvtk/what_do_you_call_a_kennel_made_of_pennies_dimes/
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A Two-Fer: How is an onion different from a baby?

Answer 1: Onions don't scream when you peel off their skin.
Answer 2: I cry a little bit when I'm chopping up onions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nxuwv/a_twofer_how_is_an_onion_different_from_a_baby/
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Why do dogs have a hard time listening to music?

Because they keep pressing paws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nxrb6/why_do_dogs_have_a_hard_time_listening_to_music/
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If I had a dollar for every time I lost my train of thought...

I wish I lived in a treehouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nxmw2/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_lost_my_train/
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How does a butcher introduce his wife?

Meat Patty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nxl3q/how_does_a_butcher_introduce_his_wife/
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Did you hear about the guy that got murdered by a starter pistol?

Cops said it was race related

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nxkp5/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_got_murdered_by_a/
%
Years ago, I decided I wanted to become a gynocologist.

Unfortunately, I could not find an opening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nxjzi/years_ago_i_decided_i_wanted_to_become_a/
%
I hate when people have missing toes!

You might even say I'm...lack toes intolerant.
(Is this a dad joke? The gf is pretty baby crazy lately and i dont know if im ready yet)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nxeay/i_hate_when_people_have_missing_toes/
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An attorney goes to jail for tax evasion

he his extremely scared and doesn't talk to anyone, he ends up getting a large black man as his cellmate. The black man notices the attorney is scared and strikes up a conversation
"First time?" the black man spoke.
The attorney nodded his head.
"I know how to cheer you up."
"h\-how?"
"You play house of course, do you want to be the husband or the wife?"
"I'll be the husband!"
"then get over here and suck your wife's dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nxblf/an_attorney_goes_to_jail_for_tax_evasion/
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A man walks into his doctor’s office with an extreme pain in his backside

Seeing his clearly in pain, the doctor asks him to bend over. After a few seconds the doctor exclaims, “You’ve got a piece of lettuce hanging out of your anus!”
Grimacing, the man said, “Doc- that’s just the tip of the iceberg!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nx3za/a_man_walks_into_his_doctors_office_with_an/
%
A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says ” you’ve got one minute to get out”

A tortoise in the back shouts ” you bastard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nx3g6/a_bloke_walks_into_a_pet_shop_and_places_a_bomb/
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Told the girlfriend that Mum is deaf so speak loud and slow.

So i told  my mum that the girlfriend is retarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nx2dd/told_the_girlfriend_that_mum_is_deaf_so_speak/
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Whats the difference between Jack Daniels and John Wayne?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nwz1y/whats_the_difference_between_jack_daniels_and/
%
Alcohol is a perfect solvent:

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nww3k/alcohol_is_a_perfect_solvent/
%
Why did the squirrel bury the tuna?

Because if you spell it backwards, it’s a nut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nwuh6/why_did_the_squirrel_bury_the_tuna/
%
My wife hears "laurel" and I hear "yanny."

Which makes sense, because when she says "do the dishes," I hear "take a nap."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nwtuo/my_wife_hears_laurel_and_i_hear_yanny/
%
I dont have a family tree, i have a family cactus....

It's full of pricks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nwrwj/i_dont_have_a_family_tree_i_have_a_family_cactus/
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I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nwox7/ive_been_reading_so_much_about_the_scary_trade/
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My friend is old fashioned. Before proposing to his girlfriend, he asked her father.

But he was already married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nwm8b/my_friend_is_old_fashioned_before_proposing_to/
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A king was settling a dispute with three of his nobles...

...over the appropriate response for a neighboring country expanding it's borders into the kingdom's territory. Unfortunately, none of the nobles were able to focus on the same subject.
One noble was discussing interrupting trade while another was shouting to the king to send military training exercises to the disputed land. Every noble seemed to have a different approach and the king was getting fed up.
"ENOUGH," the king shouted, exasperated at the prattle of the nobles. The nobles quieted with a small look of fear on their faces. The king let out a deep sigh. During the silence the he noticed one of the knights servants running across the back of the room with a bundle of arrows in hand.
"Come here boy," the king said,"Let me get a good look at you."
The boy obliged and the king sized him up. He was an exceptionally large boy and would no doubt make a notable knight in the future. The king had an moment of inspiration to getting the nobles to focus on a single topic at a time.
"Boy, grab everyone here and through them on your shoulder," the king commanded.
"At one time your majesty?"
"Aye, and hurry up."
The boy began walking around the room and throwing the nobles over his shoulder, one at a time. Luckily for the boy, each of the nobles was fairly old and frail.He threw up the first with no issue. The second was also thrown over a shoulder with no issues. He looked at the third with pleading eyes as both arms were in use. The last noble gave a sigh and climbed on the back of the boy.
The king looked at the boy and with a grin said,"Now that we're all on the same page..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nwm6t/a_king_was_settling_a_dispute_with_three_of_his/
%
I hate being bipolar.

It’s awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nwezb/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
An infinite number of people walk into a bar

The first person orders a beer, the second half a beer, the third a quarter and so on.
The bartender hands them two beers and says "know your limits".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nw9s0/an_infinite_number_of_people_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?

He works it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nw9gd/what_does_a_mathematician_do_when_hes_constipated/
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Why are Spiderman stickers the stickiest?

They don't peel so good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nw92h/why_are_spiderman_stickers_the_stickiest/
%
Did you hear about the movie theater that lost thousands of dollars?

The thief made off with a large popcorn and some candy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nw5ko/did_you_hear_about_the_movie_theater_that_lost/
%
I woke up this morning and I forgot in which side the sun rises.

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nw4fn/i_woke_up_this_morning_and_i_forgot_in_which_side/
%
A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nw4b4/a_joke_is_like_a_frog/
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Why was the German baker upset about his third cake of the day?

It was a little drei!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nw342/why_was_the_german_baker_upset_about_his_third/
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85% of all Fords made are still on the road today...

The other 15% made it home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nw2py/85_of_all_fords_made_are_still_on_the_road_today/
%
I walked in with a bunch of flowers today and my wife asked suspiciously, "Ok, what have you done now?" "I slept with your sister." I replied. "What!? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?!" she screamed.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I replied. "They're for your sister."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nw1bo/i_walked_in_with_a_bunch_of_flowers_today_and_my/
%
What did the frog, trapped in the computer, say?

Reddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvx7c/what_did_the_frog_trapped_in_the_computer_say/
%
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy...

You can’t imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvwgi/today_i_donated_my_watch_phone_and_500_to_a_poor/
%
Hello class and today ill be teaching you how to procrastinate

Actually, why dont you come back tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvu7h/hello_class_and_today_ill_be_teaching_you_how_to/
%
Dogs can't operate MRI machines.

But catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvon8/dogs_cant_operate_mri_machines/
%
When I told the waitress I'd have a quiche, she slapped me...

Apparently it's not pronounced like "quickie"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvo0r/when_i_told_the_waitress_id_have_a_quiche_she/
%
Mickey & Minnie are at court for divorce

After Mickey gives his reason for filing for divorce the judge says to him “Now Mickey, you can’t just divorce Minnie because she’s a little silly.” To which Mickey responds “I didn’t say she was a little silly! I said she was fucking Goofy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvntc/mickey_minnie_are_at_court_for_divorce/
%
A little boy and his grandpa were sitting outside..

A little boy and his grandpa were sitting outside on the balcony. His grandpa was smoking a cigar and the boy asks "Grampa, can I smoke some of that cigar?" Grandpa relies "does your dick touch your asshole" the boy rather confused replies "no" and the grandpa says "if your dick doesn't touch your asshole, then you can't smoke this cigar". A few days later the boy is in the backyard with his grandpa, the grandpa drinking a beer this time, and the boy asks "grandpa can I have a sip of that beer?" Grandpa once again responds with "Well Billy, does your dick touch your asshole?" And the boy once again relies "no" so the grandpa tells him "if your dick doesn't reach your asshole, then you can't have a sip of this beer." A couple days later the boy is eating some candy in the living room. The grandpa walks in and asks the boy "Hey there Billy, could I get a few pieces of candy?" And the boy asks " well grandpa, does your dick touch your asshole?" The grandpa confidently declares " of course my dick touches my asshole" The boy responds "Then go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvnqe/a_little_boy_and_his_grandpa_were_sitting_outside/
%
A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.
He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.
The hippie finishes his song and the jiving man approaches him, saying, "Your music is incredible. Allah has truly blessed you. Forget busking, allow me to offer you food and shelter in my home, where you shall be my personal musician!"
The hippie happily agrees and they head back to the jiving man's magnificent palace.
As he settles down in his incredible bedroom, a women in a burqa enters. She tells him that she is infact his personal servant and he can use her as he pleases.
She suggests that they have some kinky fun, but she cannot remove her burqa as Allah forbids it, and it can only be anal, as Allah will not allow sex out of wedlock.
The hippie agrees and they screw.
After its done, the woman whips off the burqa and shouts, "SUPRISE! I'm the busk jiver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvkt9/a_hippie_was_travelling_in_through_the_middle/
%
I was reading 1984

but I didn't expect the story to contine after closing the book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvkh3/i_was_reading_1984/
%
What do you call sex within the royal family?

Princest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvjgn/what_do_you_call_sex_within_the_royal_family/
%
Showerthought

Every single day, somewhere on this planet, someone holds the daily record for the world's largest human crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvhr6/showerthought/
%
I have a stupid question

What does stupid mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvg5w/i_have_a_stupid_question/
%
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and Acne?

Acne waits until you're 12 before it comes on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvfok/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
%
A man, suspicious that his wife has been cheating on him hires a private investigator to follow her.

One night she tells her husband that she’s going out to see her mother.
The private investigator springs into action and follows her to the local bar. The private investigator then calls the husband and lets him know where she is.
Angry, the husband decides to load up his revolver, drive down to the bar, and confront the home-wrecker at the bar.
The man then barges into the bar, gun in hand, and declares, “WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHER FUCKERS IS SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE? I’VE GOT A BULLET WITH YOUR NAME ON IT!”
The bartender says, “You’re gonna need a lot more bullets...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvejm/a_man_suspicious_that_his_wife_has_been_cheating/
%
Two assylum bound men try to escape.

They are in the courtyard when they spot a ladder. They grab the ladder and run back to their rooms. There is a window in the ceiling of their room. They break the window with the ladder and climb up. They see that there's no way to get down from the roof of the assylum, but the building next to it has a door on top.
"We have to jump across" one of the guys says. He proceeds to jump across the Gap and onto the other building.
"I can't do this." The other guy says. "I don't want to fall and die."
"It's okay, you won't die." The first guy says. "I have a flashlight. I'll just shine it across the gap and you can walk across the beam of light."
The other guy says "What, do you think I'm crazy? You'll just turn it off when I get half way across!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvc0y/two_assylum_bound_men_try_to_escape/
%
A woman lost a court case...

and was fined for bringing her own popcorn, coke and candy to a movie theater. Overall, she still saved a considerable amount of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nvaoy/a_woman_lost_a_court_case/
%
Did you know that bathing in cows' milk is good for your legs?

After all, it was originally made for calves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nva4b/did_you_know_that_bathing_in_cows_milk_is_good/
%
Today I took a pizza on the bus...

The bus driver said outraged: "My bus isn't some kind of restaurant." I then told him: " That's exactly why I  brought my own food."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nv806/today_i_took_a_pizza_on_the_bus/
%
My friend was showing me his new golf ball.

He tells me, "This ball is amazing, you can't lose it.  If it goes in the rough, it makes a beeping sound.  It glows in the dark so you can find it when its getting dark.  If it goes in the water, it will float and make its way back to the shore."
I said to him, "That's incredible, where did you get it?"
"Found it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nv7ps/my_friend_was_showing_me_his_new_golf_ball/
%
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nv1qq/years_ago_i_decided_i_wanted_to_be_a_doctor/
%
Never smoking with Mexicans again.

Asked him if he had papers and he ran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nv1ff/never_smoking_with_mexicans_again/
%
What do you call an abortion in the Czech Republic?

A cancelled Czech

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nv0ds/what_do_you_call_an_abortion_in_the_czech_republic/
%
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Except, of course, Muscular Dystrophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nuxak/whatever_doesnt_kill_you_makes_you_stronger/
%
I wanted to donate blood, but

They always ask too many questions, like "where did you get this blood" and "whose blood is it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nuqi8/i_wanted_to_donate_blood_but/
%
What kind of treasure do you find in a necromancer's lair?

Cryptocurrency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nup91/what_kind_of_treasure_do_you_find_in_a/
%
An older woman heard someone digging in the backyard of the house next door.

She leaned over the fence and saw her neighbor's little girl digging a hole.
"Hi Nancy" she said "what's the hole for?"
Nancy sobbed and said "My goldfish died and I'm burying it."
The woman said, "Ha-ha, silly girl, that hole's way too big for a goldfish."
The little girl said "No it's not.  He's inside your fucking cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nuccp/an_older_woman_heard_someone_digging_in_the/
%
There is an old saying that says: "Whoever plants tamarind does not harvest tamarinds";

This is because this tree takes 80 to 90 years to bear fruit for the first time.
Once, a boy found an old peasant planting tamarinds and asked him: "Old man, why would you plant tamarinds if you can never harvest them?"
The old peasant, with his infinite wisdom and experience, responded with a smile on his face: "Well, the land is mine and I plant what I fucking want"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nu8c6/there_is_an_old_saying_that_says_whoever_plants/
%
Where did Hitler’s German Shepards go after the war?

To the veteran-aryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nu1sx/where_did_hitlers_german_shepards_go_after_the_war/
%
My psychologist says I have an obsession with vengeance

We'll see about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ntydu/my_psychologist_says_i_have_an_obsession_with/
%
Jones Soda is good...

...but have you ever tried their Kool-Aid?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ntuqu/jones_soda_is_good/
%
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day...

A woman asked me if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ntsxa/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_my_very_first_day/
%
How do you make a hormone?

Kick her in the cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nts7w/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
New England trees have sprouted legs and are running amok. Officials say:

Birches be runnin wild

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ntqze/new_england_trees_have_sprouted_legs_and_are/
%
There once was a girl with no arms and no legs crying on a beach...

One day, an old man came in his fancy convertible and noticed the girl crying on the beach. He parks his car next to her and gets out, asking why she is crying.
"Sir, I'm crying because I've never been kissed before," explains the girl.
So, the man picks her up and plants her a big kiss on her forehead. However, the girl starts crying even harder.
"Hey, why are you crying? Your wish just got fulfilled," the old man asks the girl.
"Now I'm crying because I've never been fucked before," she replies.
So the he picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and replies--
"Well, you're fucked now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ntm71/there_once_was_a_girl_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
Girl: I'm having a party at my house, we're playing Truth or Dare and Twister, can you come?

Guy: I already did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ntlgz/girl_im_having_a_party_at_my_house_were_playing/
%
How is love like algebra?

Because you look at your x and wonder y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ntjn0/how_is_love_like_algebra/
%
Hey Man, don't let her walk all over you. Be like a narcissist's dick

and stand up for yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nthpy/hey_man_dont_let_her_walk_all_over_you_be_like_a/
%
A young Hasidic couple goes for pre-marital counseling...

The rabbi sits them down and says, "I want you to know that almost everything in our religion between a man and a woman is permitted, with the exception of dancing. There will be no dancing between a man and a woman."
A bit surprised, the couple looks at each other, and the groom asks the rabbi, "Well, what about sex, can we talk about sex?"  The rabbi says, "Sure."
The future bride asks, "Positions...is missionary position OK?'
Rabbi: Of course it is.
Groom: What about woman on top?
Rabbi: "Knock yourself out, kids."
Bride: "And standing position?"
Rabbi: Absolutely not! That could lead to dancing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ntgjn/a_young_hasidic_couple_goes_for_premarital/
%
No one understands how important milliseconds are, better than volunteer firefighters

It's the amount of time they have from meeting you, to telling you they are a volunteer firefighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ntfpx/no_one_understands_how_important_milliseconds_are/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

I’ve never had coffee but it smells nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nteuu/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said "I want to sue the airline"..

"You don't have much of a case", he replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ntbuq/i_showed_the_damaged_remains_of_my_luggage_to_my/
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Grammar Nazi

"Sir, we are mining too many useless cores"
*Hitler rubs chin*
"So, mine less"
*Grammar Nazi bursts through door*
"MINE FEWER"
*Hitler looks up*
"Yes, soldier?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ntbjc/grammar_nazi/
%
2 nuns on bicycles

2 nuns, on bicycles, rode down this street.  The second nun called to the first “I’ve never come this way before” and the first nun called back “it’s the cobblestones!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nt9b7/2_nuns_on_bicycles/
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The highway fly

Little Johnny is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.
A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.
All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.
"What was that mommy" says Johnny, "Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased, "Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of the dick on him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nt7op/the_highway_fly/
%
Prom is near.

So prom is near.
A couple named Jacob and Scarlet have been dating for a few months and Jacob asks her if she wants to go to prom.
"Of course!" she says. "But I require three things first. A limo, flowers, and you must wear a tux."
"Okay" says Jacob.
He has procrastinated till the day of Prom.
He has to skip out on school and is frantically attempting to assemble what he needs for the dance. So first he goes to the limousine rental shop. It's the only one in their small town so every kid from his highschool is there.
He is standing in line for hours. He checks his watch, checks his phone. Looks at a little reddit. Finally he is at the front of the line. They happen to have one limo left for him to rent.
Next he goes to get the tux. Another gigantic line of guys from his highschool. He gets in line. He is there for hours. He checks his watch, he checks his phone. Looks at a little reddit. Finally he is at the front of the line. They happened to have one last black tux.
He finally needs the flowers. He decides on roses and goes to a small flower shop near his school. The line is even longer. So he scrolls through reddit for a few hours until he's at the front of the line. They only had one bouquet of roses.
Finally it's time for the dance.
He and his girlfriend are having a great time, and after a few hours a slow dance comes on. He asks his girlfriend if she cares to take a dance.
"Of course!" she says. "But I require one thing first. I need a drink."
So Jacob walks on over to the refreshments, looks at the drink bar, and alas...
There is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nt6bm/prom_is_near/
%
I don't tell dad jokes often

but when I do he usually laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nsu9a/i_dont_tell_dad_jokes_often/
%
A teacher asked her class "What is sex?"

Johny got up and said:
"Sex is a *temptation*
Caused by a *sensation*
Where a boy sticks his *location*
Into a girls *destination*
To increase *population*
For the next *generation*
Did you get my *explanation*
Or so you need a *demonstration?*"
The teacher fainted then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nsrvy/a_teacher_asked_her_class_what_is_sex/
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A group of crows is called a murder of crows....

A group of crows aligned evenly to both margins is justified murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nsmcy/a_group_of_crows_is_called_a_murder_of_crows/
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Two guys are walking down a beach..

When they see a dog licking it's balls
The first guys says "man I wish I could do that"
To which the second guy responds "you probably could, but I'd try petting him first.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nska5/two_guys_are_walking_down_a_beach/
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How do you get thirty drunk Canadians out of a pool?

You say “Please get out of the pool.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nsi2o/how_do_you_get_thirty_drunk_canadians_out_of_a/
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I’ve never been a fan of fertilizer...

I think it’s a load of shit to be honest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nsfcn/ive_never_been_a_fan_of_fertilizer/
%
What is E.T. short for?

Because he has little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nsf1w/what_is_et_short_for/
%
What are a serial killer's clothes made from?

Paul E. Ester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nsdig/what_are_a_serial_killers_clothes_made_from/
%
What do you call a cow on the top of a building?

High steaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nsbke/what_do_you_call_a_cow_on_the_top_of_a_building/
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A new discovery which makes dogs live as long as human beings...

Allowing a loving bond between them and their non vaccinated owners has been discovered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ns9ng/a_new_discovery_which_makes_dogs_live_as_long_as/
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Dad's are like boomerangs.

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ns8f9/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
A woman was sitting front row at her husbands funeral

A man walks up and says “mind if I say a word?” To which the woman responds yes.
The man walks up to the podium and says “Plethora”
As he’s walking back down the aisle, the woman stops him and says “thanks, that means a lot”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ns54f/a_woman_was_sitting_front_row_at_her_husbands/
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I want to tell a self deprecating joke

but I don’t think I’m good enough to do so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nrqzg/i_want_to_tell_a_self_deprecating_joke/
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What do you call an army of baby Ents?

Infantree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nrnd7/what_do_you_call_an_army_of_baby_ents/
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I'm a comedian with muscular dystrophy

I'll be here all weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nrlv0/im_a_comedian_with_muscular_dystrophy/
%
A six-year-old girl runs into her backyard and sees her neighbor raking leaves...

She runs to him and says proudly “My mommy taught me all about politics today!”
“That’s great!  So are you a Republican or a Democrat?” he asks.
“A demmycrat!”
“Why’s that?”
“Well, demmycrats believe in helping the poor. So they take some money from everyone and give it to people that don’t have any money for food and clothes and toys and stuff.”
“That’s nice.”
“Yep!  So when I grow up, I’m going to get a job, pay my taxes, and the money will help poor people, like that man who stands outside the grocery store with the big beard and dirty coat and coin cup!”
“Why wait until then?  Take my rake and finish up with all these leaves.  Then I’ll give you ten dollars, and you can take some of it and find the guy with the big beard and the dirty coat, and put the money in his coin cup.”
The little girl’s eyes light up and she grabs the rake excitedly.  But then she pauses.
“Wait. Why doesn’t he rake the leaves, then you can just give HIM the money?”
The man takes the rake back.
“Congratulations, now you’re a Republican.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nricx/a_sixyearold_girl_runs_into_her_backyard_and_sees/
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Difference between complete and finished

No dictionary was ever able to define the difference between complete and finished.
However at a linguistic conference somewhere in London, Michael Sons, a Surinamese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this:
Some say there is no difference between “Complete” and “Finished”. Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
His response:
When you marry the right woman you are “complete”.
If you marry the wrong woman you are “finished”.
However if the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, then you are “completely finished”.
His answer received a standing 5 minute ovation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nrhri/difference_between_complete_and_finished/
%
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nrfzu/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
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The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar...

...Things got a little tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nre0i/the_future_the_present_and_the_past_walked_into_a/
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A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.

She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, I am going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nrde4/a_woman_is_at_home_when_she_hears_someone/
%
How does Thanos keep in shape?

With a balanced diet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nrccc/how_does_thanos_keep_in_shape/
%
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces

For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nrc8g/claustrophobia_is_the_fear_of_closed_spaces/
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What do we want?

"Funny, original jokes!"
"Where will we get them?"
"In the comments!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nrbu8/what_do_we_want/
%
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes

getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing,
"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road
again . . . "
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The
music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical
Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner
as he pulled the cork back out again.
"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . ."
"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the
student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the
student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nr7zl/a_medical_student_was_in_the_morgue_one_day_after/
%
Whenever my Dad and I disagree, we settle it with a staring contest.

Then we see eye to eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nr7e9/whenever_my_dad_and_i_disagree_we_settle_it_with/
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Husband leaves letter for wife

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22\-year\-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset—I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nr5df/husband_leaves_letter_for_wife/
%
A pothead and a leper are in jail

and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.
The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.
Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through the cell window.
The pothead is already pretty high and still watches the leper.
Next lepers' left arm starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through the cell window.
The pothead is now very high and visibly excited.
Finally lepers' right arm starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He grabs it with his teeth and tosses it through the cell window.
The pothead starts jumping around the cell and cheering: "Way to go man, you're almost out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nqyrt/a_pothead_and_a_leper_are_in_jail/
%
My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nqy30/my_wife_has_kicked_me_out_of_the_house_because_of/
%
A binary joke

is worth a 1000 words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nqwp5/a_binary_joke/
%
"What is your biggest weakness?" asked the interviewer.

I said, "Spiders."
He said, "Professional ones?"
I said, "I don't know, I've never seen one in a suit before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nquey/what_is_your_biggest_weakness_asked_the/
%
It's okay password...

...I'm insecure too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nqtpp/its_okay_password/
%
A couple are sat watching tv and the husband keeps flicking channels

Golf,
Porn,
Golf,
Porn,
Golf,
Porn
Wife says ‘for fucks sake, leave it on the porn, you know how to play golf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nqtow/a_couple_are_sat_watching_tv_and_the_husband/
%
How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Doesn't make a difference it can't be done.
First they complain that the bulb should be screwing them.
and if they actually try they can't see past their computer monitor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nqqvx/how_many_incels_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
There’s a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He’s baffled and yells down ‘WHAT are you doing?!’
The elephant nonchalantly replies ‘I’m just coming up to eat oranges’. The squirrel snorts and shouts back ‘you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!’
The elephant, now nearing the top and getting annoyed by the squirrel, snaps back ‘WELL I BROUGHT MY OWN FUCKING ORANGES!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nqp1p/theres_a_squirrel_sitting_in_an_acorn_tree_doing/
%
I came home from work, and my girlfriend had left a note on the fridge saying ‘it’s not working, goodbye’.

I opened it and it’s working just fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nqn83/i_came_home_from_work_and_my_girlfriend_had_left/
%
A man walks into a police station to report the disappearance of his wife...

After taking down the details, the sergeant says, *"Don't worry sir, we'll find her. Is there any message you want us to give her?"*
*"Just one,"* he replied. *"Please tell her my mother decided not to come after all!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nqkzj/a_man_walks_into_a_police_station_to_report_the/
%
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.

Librarian: "They're right behind you!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nqdgr/a_woman_walks_into_a_library_and_asked_if_they/
%
Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nqbue/mary_had_a_little_pig_she_kept_it_fat_and/
%
I'm starting to think this country really is run by Jews

But it's still only my first week in Israel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nqagn/im_starting_to_think_this_country_really_is_run/
%
A little man is sitting at the bar...

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.  So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life..."
The biker is in total shock. He has no clue what to even say. "I'm very sorry, little man, it's been a very long day for you..." The biker motions the bartender for another pint.
"Thats not even the worst part- Now you've shown up and drank the god-damn poison!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nq6zm/a_little_man_is_sitting_at_the_bar/
%
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nq6je/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_fruit_punch/
%
What's an adult actress' favourite drink?

7-Up in Cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nq32u/whats_an_adult_actress_favourite_drink/
%
Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah nah nah. Nah nah nah.

Hey June

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8npxui/nah_nah_nah_nah_nah_nah_nah_nah_nah/
%
Little Johnny

's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8npv9b/little_johnny/
%
What's the difference between research and gynaecology?

One is about looking it up and the other is about looking up it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8npuqr/whats_the_difference_between_research_and/
%
What's the best weed strain?

Medusa, it always gets you stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8npslc/whats_the_best_weed_strain/
%
Two atoms are walking down the street....

One of them shouts, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other inquires, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8npqe2/two_atoms_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
A dad buys a robot that slaps people when they lie...

He decides to test it when his son comes back from school.
He asks "Son, where were you today?", so he says "at school". He gets a slap.
A little confused, he tells his dad that they were watching DVDs. The dad asks "What kind of DVD?"
The son says Toy Story. The robot slaps him again. He admits "Okay, it was porn".
The dad, shocked, shouts that "At your age I didn't even know what porn was!". He also gets a slap.
The mom bursts out laughing and says "Haha, he sure is your son!". The robot slaps her too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8npq9s/a_dad_buys_a_robot_that_slaps_people_when_they_lie/
%
There's a penis beauty competition taking place in New York. The total prize pool is $10,000.

Wiener takes all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nphdu/theres_a_penis_beauty_competition_taking_place_in/
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How did the vampire know he was sick?

He was coffin
Credit goes to u/__marmar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8np714/how_did_the_vampire_know_he_was_sick/
%
Johnny and his Bugs

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.  His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.  "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.  She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8np6yj/johnny_and_his_bugs/
%
What did Apple release to help blind people?

An iPatch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8np6r0/what_did_apple_release_to_help_blind_people/
%
I asked a train engineer how many times he had derailed.

He said
"I don't know it's hard to keep track."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8np6go/i_asked_a_train_engineer_how_many_times_he_had/
%
What do the Mafia and Pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8np2c1/what_do_the_mafia_and_pussies_have_in_common/
%
Three men got stranded on an island and found a genie's lamp

The first man said, "I wish I was back home with my family."
*Poof*, he was gone.
The second man said, "I wish I were living in a mansion in California."
*Poof*, he was gone.
The third man thought and paced for a bit, then finally groaned and said, "This is too hard!  I wish my friends were here to help me figure this out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8np1la/three_men_got_stranded_on_an_island_and_found_a/
%
Why do gay people smile so much?

It's hard for them to keep a straight face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8noz7d/why_do_gay_people_smile_so_much/
%
I really hate posting in forums when trying to troubleshoot a tech problem

person 1: Having the same problem please fix
person 2: same pls halp
person 3: same someone please find solution
person 4: doesnt work for me either
person 5: yeah please solve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8novqx/i_really_hate_posting_in_forums_when_trying_to/
%
First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over ‪Friday night‬ to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.  10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8noqwh/first_time_sex/
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Only the child of an anti-vaxxer could get get this...

Measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8noq8a/only_the_child_of_an_antivaxxer_could_get_get_this/
%
I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nopv7/i_honestly_hate_how_a_person_who_donates_1_kidney/
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why did the chicken go to the seance

to get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8non6o/why_did_the_chicken_go_to_the_seance/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nol5o/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
What’s the difference between sex and mini golf?

Nothing. They’re both fun for the first two holes, but then you just want to finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8noj2u/whats_the_difference_between_sex_and_mini_golf/
%
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

YOU WOULDN’T KNOW!! CAUSE YOU WEREN’T THERE!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8noi6l/how_many_vietnam_vets_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Punching bag is hitting me back, Any advice?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nog4g/punching_bag_is_hitting_me_back_any_advice/
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Three Doors Experiment

Three men volunteered for the Three Doors Experiment. To survive you must get past each door. Behind door one, 8 hours in a tiger pit. Behind door two, 8 hours with 50 of the most beautiful and ravenous women in the world. And Behind door three, all the wine a man could drink in a lifetime.
The first guy decides to try the hardest first, the tiger pit. He lasted about twenty mins and was eaten alive.
The second guy tries the women. He gets about two hours in and dies of heart attack.
The third guy decides on the wine. A couple hours go by and he walks out shmammered. He walks straight into the tiger pit. The reserchers are astonished. No one had ever drank that much wine! How would he survive the tigers that drunk?
Two or three hours go by and he walks out,
"Alright guyss, show me that tiger pit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8noeb8/three_doors_experiment/
%
My friend looked completely shaken. He said that he had just slept with his 3rd cousin.

I said, “If it upsets you so much, stop counting them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nobyc/my_friend_looked_completely_shaken_he_said_that/
%
I wonder who's watching me now, the IRS?

1984 paranoid ramblings
2018 passing remark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nob4n/i_wonder_whos_watching_me_now_the_irs/
%
What do you call a wet baby owl?

A moist owlette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8no9oz/what_do_you_call_a_wet_baby_owl/
%
Today I slept with a girl in an apple orchard...

She let me come in cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8no3tp/today_i_slept_with_a_girl_in_an_apple_orchard/
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I'm horny as hell right now but my girlfriend won't have sex with me in the airplane's lavatory.

She doesn't give a flying fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8no0qb/im_horny_as_hell_right_now_but_my_girlfriend_wont/
%
The jokes here are like spinach.

Already forced on us as kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8no08x/the_jokes_here_are_like_spinach/
%
What's the difference between Utah and Alabama?

The meaning of sister-wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nnpfu/whats_the_difference_between_utah_and_alabama/
%
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. That’s a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nnoie/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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If a group of crows is a murder...

...then a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nnkgt/if_a_group_of_crows_is_a_murder/
%
little Johnny's father gives him $50 to buy some fireworks for new year

When he returns, they try a couple but none of them worked
"Johnny, where did you get these fireworks? None of them work"
"Strange, when I was on my way back, I tried them all and they worked just fine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nnk6l/little_johnnys_father_gives_him_50_to_buy_some/
%
A happily married couple was celebrating 60 years of marriage together.

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.  "Sorry I'm running late.  I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father.  "Important thing is we're all together today."
Son No. 2 arrived.  "You and Mom look great, Dad.  I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.  "It's nothing," said the father.  "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived.  "Hello and happy anniversary!  Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.  You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.
"Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and said, "WHAT?  You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep", said the father.  "Cheap ones, too." . . ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nniuz/a_happily_married_couple_was_celebrating_60_years/
%
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it...

Then Scott Pruitt's environmental plan is working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nnib6/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_forest_and_nobody_hears_it/
%
I went to an ISIS birthday party once

The musical chairs were a bit slow but fuck me, pass the parcel was quick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nni7g/i_went_to_an_isis_birthday_party_once/
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Dirty joke, clean joke, adult joke

Timmy played in the mud. That’s the dirty part.
So Timmy took a bath with bubbles. That’s the clean part.
Bubbles is the girl next door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nngh4/dirty_joke_clean_joke_adult_joke/
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What do you say to a guy trying to hold open a revolving door?

Nothing. It'll hit him eventually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nnf6o/what_do_you_say_to_a_guy_trying_to_hold_open_a/
%
What do we want?

“Low flying planes!”
When do we want them?
“NNNEEEOOOOWWWwwwwww”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nndkt/what_do_we_want/
%
A man walks into a high class bar, on the top floor of a skyscraper.

He sits next to a gentleman and orders a drink. The man turns to him and says, "I love days like this, you could just jump out the window and have the wind wisk you to your feet."
The man says there's no way that's true. So the other guy says I'll prove it. He then runs and jumps out of a window. Right before he hits the ground, he is whisked up and lands on his feet.
He takes the elevator back up to the bar and sits back to the gentleman. The guy says,  "that's amazing, can I do it"?
The stranger says absolutely, go for it. So the gentleman takes a sip of his drink, runs and jumps out the window. He then falls to his death.
The bartender turns to the stranger and says, "damn superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nncri/a_man_walks_into_a_high_class_bar_on_the_top/
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I would tell a rape joke

But I think it would be a little too forced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nnb30/i_would_tell_a_rape_joke/
%
A weasel walks into a bar...

The bartender says: "Wow!  In all my years of tending bar, I have never served a weasel before! What can I get you?
"Pop," goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nn5pu/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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Vaccinated children have a higher chance of getting autism.

After all, you have to be alive to get autism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nn5km/vaccinated_children_have_a_higher_chance_of/
%
I'm terrified of bats, but I blame my childhood for that.

My dad always took a good swing at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nn3u1/im_terrified_of_bats_but_i_blame_my_childhood_for/
%
I like gay people but I’m not gay myself

They just give really good blowjobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nn32z/i_like_gay_people_but_im_not_gay_myself/
%
What is the ideal political system of a feminist?

A dickhatership.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nmyyw/what_is_the_ideal_political_system_of_a_feminist/
%
A sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest."

24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the remaining man, "Why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied, "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nmw93/a_sergeant_was_addressing_a_squad_of_25_and_said/
%
What type of pet likes to ride in a car?

A carpet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nmvsv/what_type_of_pet_likes_to_ride_in_a_car/
%
A chemist, a biologist, and a statistician are out hunting...

The chemist spots a deer and takes a shot at it, but misses by 5 feet to the left. The biologist then fires but misses by 5 feet to the right. The statistician then proclaims "We got 'em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nmv9n/a_chemist_a_biologist_and_a_statistician_are_out/
%
There are 3 types of people in this world...

Ones who can count and the others who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nmsy6/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
We shouldn't make fun of fat people...

They have enough on their plate already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nmpue/we_shouldnt_make_fun_of_fat_people/
%
“Boulangerie” is a french bakery. “Boucherie” is a french butcher shop. What’s a french ice cream shop?

Benandgerie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nmomk/boulangerie_is_a_french_bakery_boucherie_is_a/
%
An Irishman was thrown out of a pub, but hit a wall and bounced straight back in.

His name was Rick O'Shea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nmnky/an_irishman_was_thrown_out_of_a_pub_but_hit_a/
%
Old man on his deathbed...

Old man is on his deathbed and smells cookies from the kitchen. With the last bit of strength in his body he drags himself out of bed and crawls to the kitchen. As he reaches for a cookie, his wife slaps his hand, “That’s for the funeral you bastard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nmlf4/old_man_on_his_deathbed/
%
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nmf7h/funny_that_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_tons_of_girls/
%
The Bartender said: "Sorry we dont allow time travelers here"

A time traveler walks into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nm7uy/the_bartender_said_sorry_we_dont_allow_time/
%
The rainforest cafe is getting to realistic

I was just sitting there enjoying my chicken tenders when a bulldozer destroyed 30% of the cafe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nlvof/the_rainforest_cafe_is_getting_to_realistic/
%
Why should people date microbiologists?

They're well cultured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nlurn/why_should_people_date_microbiologists/
%
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest.

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nluas/a_married_irishman_went_into_the_confessional_and/
%
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?

A Guackie-talkie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nlsbo/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_avocado_with_a/
%
"Doctor, I can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Oh, do you drink very much?"
"No, I spill most of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nlpxv/doctor_i_cant_stop_my_hands_shaking/
%
A man has been having sex with his wife in the dark for 30 years and she just found out he's been using a dildo.

Wife: "Explain the dildo."
Man: "Then Explain the kids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nlmr4/a_man_has_been_having_sex_with_his_wife_in_the/
%
Roosevelt and Stalin are at a meeting.

Roosevelt says, "One beautiful thing about America is that we have freedom of speech. That means that anybody can stand in front of the White House and say, "Roosevelt is a piece of shit" and nobody would pay any attention.
Stalin says, "We have freedom of speech in the Soviet Union too. Anybody can stand in front of the Kremlin and say, "Roosevelt is a piece of shit" and no one would bat an eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nlkss/roosevelt_and_stalin_are_at_a_meeting/
%
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, a bowl of pretzels on the counter speaks up,

" Hey, you're a handsome fellow. " The man tries to ignore this and orders a Pilsner beer. The bowl pretzels then says," Ooooooh a pilsner, you must be a man of great taste. " Worried, the man calls the bartender and says, " This bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me." To this the bartender says, "Don't worry about the pretzels, they're complimentary. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nlhon/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat_before_he/
%
I have too many jokes on fat people

But they don't work-out :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nlf1y/i_have_too_many_jokes_on_fat_people/
%
My girlfriend dumped me because she says I relate everything to Batman

..what a joker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nleu8/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_because_she_says_i_relate/
%
I just read an article in the news that Kim Jong Un reads more than 1,000 books a year...

I guess that’s why they call him the Supreme Reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nlbo0/i_just_read_an_article_in_the_news_that_kim_jong/
%
Three chinese men applied for citizenship in USA

They were accepted on the condition that they changed their names.
Bu became Buck.
Chu became Chuck.
And Fu went back to China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nlabb/three_chinese_men_applied_for_citizenship_in_usa/
%
I cut off the end of my foot but the Doctor wouldn’t treat me.

Turns out he was lack toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nl9xy/i_cut_off_the_end_of_my_foot_but_the_doctor/
%
What’s the difference between Narcissism and incest?

Ones you want to fuck yourself and the other is the next best thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nl2rr/whats_the_difference_between_narcissism_and_incest/
%
A Welshman, Scot and Englishman

are walking when they come across a lantern and a genie pops out and grants them one wish each.
The Scot says: “I am a sheep herder, like my dad before me. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms.”  Whoosh, and so it was.
The Englishman was amazed and says: “I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out.” Bang, there was a wall around England.
The Welshman says: “Tell me more about this wall.”
The genie says: “It’s 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.”
The Welshman says: “Fill it with water.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nkuse/a_welshman_scot_and_englishman/
%
15 minutes late..

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?
"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".
She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nkubh/15_minutes_late/
%
A kindergarten class came back inside from playing at recess

The teacher likes to ask the kids what they did with their free time so he starts with Mary. "Mary, what did you do at recess today?" Mary said that she played in the sandbox. The teacher says, "that sounds like a lot of fun! If you can spell "sand" on the blackboard then you can have a cookie." Mary spells it on the board and received her cookie. Then the teacher asked Billy, "What did you do at recess?" Billy said that he played in the sandbox with Mary. "Well that's great, if you can spell box on the blackboard then you can have a cookie." He spells the word with ease and gets a cookie. Then the teacher asked Jaquan, "Jaquan, what did you do at recess?" He said that he tried to play in the sandbox with Mary and Billy but they just threw stones at him. Appalled, the teacher said "well that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me! Ok, if you can spell blatant racial discrimination on the blackboard then you can have a cookie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nku7c/a_kindergarten_class_came_back_inside_from/
%
I’m on a whiskey diet

So far I’ve lost two weeks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nkt25/im_on_a_whiskey_diet/
%
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror…

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nkqdv/a_woman_is_standing_looking_in_the_bedroom_mirror/
%
A professor was in class teaching his students about laws, and begun a conversation about Murphy's Law.

Professor: " Have you ever heard about Murphy's law?"
Student: "No, what's that?"
Professor: "Well basically, it's the principle that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong"
Students were impressed, so one student in particular decided to respond.
Student: "Oh yeah? Well have you ever heard about Cole's law?"
Professor: "No, I haven't. I don't believe that's actually a thing."
Student: "It is. It's thinly sliced cabbage"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nkpau/a_professor_was_in_class_teaching_his_students/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had Locomotives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nkjeu/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_killer/
%
A man walks into a bar and says...

"I just got back from the battered woman's shelter, and boy are my arms tired."
Everyone laughed.
The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone.
He was proud of the fine craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter's pantry, regardless of what others may think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nkhib/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
%
I spent 15 years suffering from chronic procrastination....

And I still can't decide if I prefer sativa or indica.
P.s I am getting really annoyed by that persistent promoted post!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nkb0o/i_spent_15_years_suffering_from_chronic/
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Fidget spinners are useless

Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nk4yu/fidget_spinners_are_useless/
%
There was a fire at my local dollar store

Damage is estimated to be in the tens of dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nk3nt/there_was_a_fire_at_my_local_dollar_store/
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Heaviest Lunch

This is a really old story my grandfather told me years ago.
When he was in elementary school in his tiny rural town, they pretty much ate what they grew or killed. Well he was going on a couple weeks of having nothing to eat for lunch at school beside mustard greens and a biscuit. He got tired of eating that, so one day he snuck into the classroom early and swapped his lunch with the heaviest lunch bag he could find.
When lunch time came, he grabbed his new lunch and sat down at the table to eat it. He opened the bag only to find two pecans and a ball peen hammer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nk0t2/heaviest_lunch/
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What do you call an African American with asthma?

The Black Panter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nk0qf/what_do_you_call_an_african_american_with_asthma/
%
A moth goes into a dentists office at 11 PM

He goes to the lady behind the counter and says "i just won a million dollars in the lottery. So i bought my parents a mansion. As soon as i did the mansion burnt down, killing both of my parents and then i got hit by a car breaking my arm. I've never been more depressed or in debt in my life."
The woman sitting behind the counter says "your plight has moved me. I'm so sorry for what you've experienced. But i must ask: why did you come here? Its not a hospital, so i cant help you mentally and I'm not a bar so i cant give you a drink to cope."
And to that the moth says "well, the light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nk0lh/a_moth_goes_into_a_dentists_office_at_11_pm/
%
The UN conducted a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8njyjs/the_un_conducted_a_worldwide_survey/
%
I was going to post an original time travel joke..

But someone already reposted it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8njwou/i_was_going_to_post_an_original_time_travel_joke/
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What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8njuvg/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate?

A small chest with no booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8njurc/since_were_doing_pirate_jokes_what_does_every/
%
Your momma so fat

It's been four weeks since Thanos snapped his fingers and she's still disintegrating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nju8v/your_momma_so_fat/
%
I hate when people say women aren't funny...

After all feminism is one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard of

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8njrfp/i_hate_when_people_say_women_arent_funny/
%
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8njrae/a_guy_says_to_his_wife_im_in_the_mood_for_some_69/
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So damn rude.

Three triplets in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.
The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."
The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."
The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."
The other two ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"
He replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8njraj/so_damn_rude/
%
Why did SpaceX go to Mars

Becuase SpaceY already went to Uranus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8njqvi/why_did_spacex_go_to_mars/
%
Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He saw the gas bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8njol0/why_did_hitler_commit_suicide/
%
Interviewer - Okay, describe yourself in 3 words

Lazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8njlw2/interviewer_okay_describe_yourself_in_3_words/
%
Why cant dinosaurs clap!

Because they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8njcj8/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
What do you call cheese on steriods??

Shredded cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8njbtg/what_do_you_call_cheese_on_steriods/
%
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nja56/how_many_freudian_analysts_does_it_take_to_change/
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Why shouldn't you tease a fat girl with a lisp?

She's probably thick and tired of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nj4ty/why_shouldnt_you_tease_a_fat_girl_with_a_lisp/
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What do you get when you cross an elephant and an octopus?

A visit from the ehtics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nj2qb/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_and_an/
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"If you don't know the answer, just pick 'c'", they said...

Thanks a lot, everyone, now I have the worst prescription glasses ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nizmi/if_you_dont_know_the_answer_just_pick_c_they_said/
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I crashed my car whilst my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob

It was head on collision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8niwvo/i_crashed_my_car_whilst_my_girlfriend_was_giving/
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What is heck?

It's where people get darned to when they don't believe in Gosh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8niveg/what_is_heck/
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How many redditers does it take....

To tell yet another light bulb joke?
One to tell the joke, and 53421 to post the same or minor variations of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nivcg/how_many_redditers_does_it_take/
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How many Vsauces does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.
Or does it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nis5d/how_many_vsauces_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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So a man is having some bedroom issues

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor I need your help. When I making love to my wife, I also seem to cum before she does. Hell, I do it before I’m even ready.” The doctor consoles him that this is a perfectly normal issue. When pressed for a fix, he thinks for a few seconds and pulls open a drawer on his desk and starts rummaging around, moving around pill bottles and notepads ‘til he finds what’s he’s looking for. He grabs from the drawer and hands to the man a small butter knife and tells his patient, “When you go home this weekend and make love with your wife, I’d like you to hold onto this knife. Do whatever you’d like, just as long as you’re holding onto this knife, it should resolve that problem you’ve been having.”
So the man goes home and explains the strange remedy his doctor has prescribed. His wife is a bit uncomfortable bringing cutlery into the bedroom but they decide to give it a shot and just as the doctor said, the man is able to last and they have wonderful sex throughout the weekend.
Later the next week, the man is out in the golf course and bumps into his doctor and makes it a point to thank him. “Doctor I can’t begin to imagine why it works but whenever I’m holding onto that butter knife, I seem to be cured. What exactly is so special about that knife?” The doctor casual replies, “Oh, it’s just that knife guys finish last.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ninxf/so_a_man_is_having_some_bedroom_issues/
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A Texan visits Galway.

A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.  "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy.
The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back.  The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ninr5/a_texan_visits_galway/
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I can’t remember the name of my favorite joke on here

It’s fine though. I’m sure I’ll see it in a couple hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nilxh/i_cant_remember_the_name_of_my_favorite_joke_on/
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Talk with God

God: you'll be alive for 70-80 years ideally
Man: great!  I'll make the most of it!
God: you will be unconscious for 1/3 of your time alive
Man: uh...
God : *leans in* that'll be your favourite part

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nijmi/talk_with_god/
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Girl: “Come over”

Guy: “Im coming over”
Girl: “We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nij95/girl_come_over/
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An English teacher went to Germany to teach the German kids English words.

On Day one, he taught them all the English words beginning with A.
Day two, he taught them all the English words beginning with B. After day three which was C words , he thought to himself.
"How are they gonna handle D-day?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nij1n/an_english_teacher_went_to_germany_to_teach_the/
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My dad always told me that if someone hits you, you should hit them back

Unfortunately, the kids at school always made me hit myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nihmc/my_dad_always_told_me_that_if_someone_hits_you/
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Did you hear Oral-B and Queen Latifah are making a toothbrush together?

It’s called clean-ya-teefah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nifr7/did_you_hear_oralb_and_queen_latifah_are_making_a/
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Why do scubadivers roll backwards out of the boat?

If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.
Credit to my girlfriend and boyfriend. They the real heroes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nicph/why_do_scubadivers_roll_backwards_out_of_the_boat/
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Justice is best served cold.

Because it's just ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nic6p/justice_is_best_served_cold/
%
Why did the projectionist cross the road?

To get the other slides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nibh9/why_did_the_projectionist_cross_the_road/
%
My wife and I decided to not have kids

the kids took it pretty hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nibfy/my_wife_and_i_decided_to_not_have_kids/
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Why can't the Avengers fight Thanos in the dark?

Their Vision's fucking useless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8niak2/why_cant_the_avengers_fight_thanos_in_the_dark/
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Went into town to get some apples.

Sadly, it was a fruitless search.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ni17p/went_into_town_to_get_some_apples/
%
I was going to sue my neurosurgeon.

But he changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ni0ue/i_was_going_to_sue_my_neurosurgeon/
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Don't take this the wrong way...

is not good opening line to propose anal sex to your girlfriend...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nhwrc/dont_take_this_the_wrong_way/
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Three nuns die and arrive at the Pearly Gates.

They meet St. Peter who says "you must each answer one question about religion to enter heaven."
St. Peter calls the first nun and asks "who was the first man on Earth?"
"Adam" she replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.
St. Peter asks the second nun "who was the first woman on Earth?"
"Eve" she replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.
St. Peter asks the third nun "what is the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
The nun panics for a second because she doesn't know the answer.
"Boy, that's a hard one" she nervously replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nhvku/three_nuns_die_and_arrive_at_the_pearly_gates/
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"I see!" says the blind man,

as he picked up his hammer and saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nhs6h/i_see_says_the_blind_man/
%
I was going to post a time travel joke

But you guys didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nhpjh/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_travel_joke/
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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nhl9q/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nhknn/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One... Or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nhgx2/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.

I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nhbuh/my_nextdoor_neighbour_accused_me_of_stealing_her/
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A man awakes to find himself in hospital, and soon begins yelling in terror, “Oh my god, what’s happening? I can’t feel my legs!’

The doctor walks in, very solemn, and says, “Yes Mr. Johnson, I’m sorry, we had to amputate your arms.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nhbo6/a_man_awakes_to_find_himself_in_hospital_and_soon/
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My girlfriend left a note on my refrigerator saying: "this is not working, goodbye"

So then I opened the fridge and it was working just fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nh87k/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_my_refrigerator/
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How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nh780/how_do_you_know_how_heavy_a_red_hot_chili_pepper/
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My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nh4xg/my_pizza_is_burnt_my_beer_is_frozen_and_my/
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Warm

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nh0s9/warm/
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What’s worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off?

Not waking up to pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nh0jt/whats_worse_than_waking_up_to_pee_30_minutes/
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I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is...

Scaring men is easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ngzux/i_just_asked_my_husband_if_he_remembers_what/
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How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know but it sure is not seven because my basement is still dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ngyg8/how_many_dead_babies_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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It was the night before Christmas

Three colleagues were stumbling their way home after having several drinks after work, at the local pub. Unfortunately on their way home, they were struck by a car and all died instantly.
Moments later, they all found themselves in front of the pearly gates of heaven, Saint Nicolas was waiting in front of the gates himself.
“Welcome to heaven, unfortunately it’s the silly season and we are very busy inside, so I have to insist, unless you have something relating to Christmas with you, you will need to go down there”.
The first person walked up and pulled a Christmas card out of their inside pocket and handed it over to Saint Nicolas.
“This is fine, in you go then” he said.
The second person walked up and pulled out an apple, gave it to Saint Nicolas and said “it’s for the reindeers”
“Well... okay” Saint Nicolas begrudgingly agreed gesturing for them to walk in.
The third and final person walked forward and remembered a present they had gotten earlier that evening, and presented a pair of panties to Saint Nicolas.
“I don’t know what kind of establishment you think this is but...”
“They’re Carol’s”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ngu20/it_was_the_night_before_christmas/
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A women married and has 12 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 8 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ngsls/a_women_married_and_has_12_children_her_husband/
%
Little Johnny had to piss

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He waved his hand high and yelled out,"Miss Johnson, I need to take a piss!!"
Miss Johnson replied back, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this classroom. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if your tits were any bigger, you'd be a ten!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ngq1s/little_johnny_had_to_piss/
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U.S Border Patrol

Putting the panic in Hispanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nglhz/us_border_patrol/
%
In Avengers: Infinity War, Thanos absolutely went crazy.

He snapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ngiur/in_avengers_infinity_war_thanos_absolutely_went/
%
What Did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

Same time next month?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nghxg/what_did_the_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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Little Johnny’s teacher gives an oral history quiz

She asked little Johnny, “who signed the Declaration of Independence?" Little Johnny said, "Damned if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe, as the teacher requested. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that darn thing, you damn well better own up to it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ngdvn/little_johnnys_teacher_gives_an_oral_history_quiz/
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What do you get when you pat a skeleton on the back?

A spinal tap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ngage/what_do_you_get_when_you_pat_a_skeleton_on_the/
%
What is the national bird of Pakistan?

An american military drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ng8pf/what_is_the_national_bird_of_pakistan/
%
Why was 10 scared?

He was in the middle of 9-11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ng2d1/why_was_10_scared/
%
Mother Daughter Threesome

My friend Ethan recently met a beautiful woman at a bar. Ethan is 22. She’s 57. He’s never been “with a much older woman, but he thinks hey, why not, she’s hot. They drink and flirt all night. Suddenly she asks Ethan if he’s ever had a mother and daughter threesome. He says no.
They drink a bit more, then the woman says, “Tonight’s your lucky night!” Ethan is stoked. If the older woman is a babe he can only imagine what the daughter looks like. They go back to her place. She puts the hall light on and shouts upstairs:
“Mom, you awake?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ng1nl/mother_daughter_threesome/
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Why do catholic priests have no interest in expensive scotches?

They’re all at least 18 years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nfmgl/why_do_catholic_priests_have_no_interest_in/
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My roommate recently started having much louder sex with his girlfriend. "What changed?" I asked.

"We've updated our privacy policy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nffju/my_roommate_recently_started_having_much_louder/
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Don't forget, Sperm Donor day is June 16th this year.

It's like Father's Day, but it comes a little early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nfawq/dont_forget_sperm_donor_day_is_june_16th_this_year/
%
Met Kelvin the other day

What an absolute unit, that lad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nf8s0/met_kelvin_the_other_day/
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What did the grape say when it was stepped on?

Not much, he just let out a little wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nf77d/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_was_stepped_on/
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My mom says that everyone has a beautiful side

So I guess I am a circle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nf5b0/my_mom_says_that_everyone_has_a_beautiful_side/
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Why do televangelists go to church every Sunday?

To pray on the week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nevb0/why_do_televangelists_go_to_church_every_sunday/
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What sound does a Horny Toad make?

*rubbit rubbit*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8neu82/what_sound_does_a_horny_toad_make/
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The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. The Rules:
1.YOU may visit this store ONLY ONCE! 2. There are 6 floors, and the products value increases as the shopper ascends the flights 3. The customer may choose any item on a particular floor OR may choose to go up to the next floor, but can not go back down a floor, EXCEPT to exit the building.
A Woman goes to the Husband Store to find a Husband. On floor 1, the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs! Intrigued she goes to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs and Love Kids! "That's nice" she thinks, "but I want more!" so she proceeds to the Third Floor.
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are EXTREMELY Good Looking. "WOW" she thinks, and is compelled to keep going. She heads to the 4th floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 4.: These men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead Good Looking AND help with the housework.
"Mercy!" she exclaims, " I can hardly stand it!" She proceeds to the 5th Floor where the sign reads:
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are Drop Dead Gorgeous, Help with the Housework, and have a STRONG ROMANTIC STREAK.
While tempted to stay, she gives in to her temptation to go to the 6th floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6: you are visitor 31,456, 006 to this floor. THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS FLOOR. This floor exists solely as proof women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping the husband store!
But NOTE:
To avoid gender bias, the store owners opened a New Wives store right across the street.
First Floor: These wives will LOVE SEX.
Second Floor: This floor has wives who LOVE SEX, HAVE MONEY, AND LIKE BEER!
The 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited. so NO ONE knows what is there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nep55/the_husband_store/
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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nentn/a_helicopter_was_flying_around_above_seattle_when/
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Invisible people won't be a problem for doctors to treat

Just send them to the ICU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nendc/invisible_people_wont_be_a_problem_for_doctors_to/
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In France, why do they only have one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8neg6x/in_france_why_do_they_only_have_one_egg_for/
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What does a male duck go through during puberty?

Voice quacks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nefjj/what_does_a_male_duck_go_through_during_puberty/
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A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine.

After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathematician accepts the challenge, and they switch places for the next speech. The driver dresses like the professor, and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium.
The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his question for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says "That question is so simple I'll let my driver in the back answer it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ne5x9/a_nobel_prize_winning_mathematician_is_traveling/
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"Why are you fisting me?" A question that should never come up during love making.

Fisting should always be discussed beforehand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ne5bg/why_are_you_fisting_me_a_question_that_should/
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A man walks into a whore house and asks what he can get for a dollar.

"You can get a penguin" says the pimp at the front desk.
"A penguin? Sounds sweet!"
The pimp brings the man back to a room and a fine young woman walks in and tells him to drop his pants.
"Oh boy im in for a good one!"
She starts going down on him and as soon as he's about to reach climax she gets up and walks out.
"Hey, where ya goin?!?!" the man says, waddling after her with his pants around his ankles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ne31e/a_man_walks_into_a_whore_house_and_asks_what_he/
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A man is riding through the highway listening to the radio...

Suddenly the radio starts booming: “Traffic alert. There is a car driving on the wrong side of the road in Route 54. Please avoid entering the highway until further notice.”
The man, staring at the radio with a confused expression thinks to himself “One? There are hundreds of them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ne1uy/a_man_is_riding_through_the_highway_listening_to/
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Sending dick pics is for amateurs.

Real men get out there and disappoint women in real life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ne1gh/sending_dick_pics_is_for_amateurs/
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Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ndy7g/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
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A string went to a bar

The bartender said:
- "Sorry, we don't serve your kind."
The string left, twisted himself up and parted his hairs, then came back to the bar.
- "Aren't you the same guy just a minute ago ?" , the bartender asked.
- "I'm a frayed knot" , said the piece of string.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ndvh9/a_string_went_to_a_bar/
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Why did Donald Trump invite Kim Kardashian to talk about prison reform?

Because she's had more black dudes in her than a jail cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ndsos/why_did_donald_trump_invite_kim_kardashian_to/
%
A young girl wet herself during class......

The teacher said "SARAH! Why didn't you put your hand up"?
Sarah replies "I did Miss, but it kept running through my fingers".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ndrw6/a_young_girl_wet_herself_during_class/
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What sort of jeans does Mario wear?

Denim Denim Denim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ndpxq/what_sort_of_jeans_does_mario_wear/
%
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date

When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her,
"How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Dont worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"Its just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... dont be like that."
Suddenly, the girls younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or hell come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for Gods sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ndio7/a_young_guy_drops_off_his_girlfriend_at_her_home/
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What did one mime say to the other?

Nothing
(My mom told me this one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ndg0y/what_did_one_mime_say_to_the_other/
%
Bodybuilding contest

Frankenstein signed up for a bodybuilding contest,
later to find out...
he was at the wrong place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nd7cm/bodybuilding_contest/
%
Whoever coined the phrase: 'nothing lasts forever', ?

0bviously never tried having a wank over Kathy Griffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nd78c/whoever_coined_the_phrase_nothing_lasts_forever/
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My stoner friend rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook.

He is high on my list of priorities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nd724/my_stoner_friend_rolled_a_joint_using_a_page_from/
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My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry...

.....I'll return  !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nd4ol/my_wife_kicked_me_out_because_of_my_terrible/
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Why did the pirate hate going to school?

Because every time he looked at his report card he always has 7 C's...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nd27x/why_did_the_pirate_hate_going_to_school/
%
I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nczsq/i_asked_my_mum_how_much_is_a_couple/
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Did you know that light travels faster than sound?

That's why some people look bright until they start talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nczcp/did_you_know_that_light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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How do you put up a Reddit fence?

First you put in one post, then you repost, and repost, and repost ....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ncweq/how_do_you_put_up_a_reddit_fence/
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They just announced the next Fast and Furious movie where they will go undercover as ride share drivers in Asia

It's called Tokyo Lyft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ncvzk/they_just_announced_the_next_fast_and_furious/
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Although it's expensive, I've started collecting records.

That's my decision, and it's vinyl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ncvpz/although_its_expensive_ive_started_collecting/
%
Why can you see the LGBT colours in the sky after it rains?

Because the sun just came out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ncvjd/why_can_you_see_the_lgbt_colours_in_the_sky_after/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ncuc0/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
Adam talks to god about being lonely.

Before there were Adam & Eve there was just Adam.
Adam: God I’m lonely here in the garden. You gave me this place and it’s beautiful. I appreciate it. I can hang out with the animals and talk to you but I don’t have anything in common with either of you. I want a partner. Is there anything you can do?
God: Oh yeah!!! I can make you a partner that will be all of your wildest dreams come true. This chicks going to be flawless! She’s going to laugh at all of the same things as you. She’s going to be happy all of the time and never Bitch about shit. She’s going to want to do nothing all day but lay around in the shade fucking. She’ll let you do whatever you want with her. And Shes going to be your best friend in the world.
Adam: wow! That sounds incredible. How much will this cost me?
God: oh she’ll cost you a lot! She’s going to be at least an arm and a leg.
Adam: oh shit... well what could I get for a rib?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nclzt/adam_talks_to_god_about_being_lonely/
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My girlfriend told me she's become a vegan....

....she's decided to stop putting my meat in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nckta/my_girlfriend_told_me_shes_become_a_vegan/
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In getting tired of the jehovah witnesses.

They keep knocking on the door, trying to make me change my mind
"Please let us out!", "We won't bother you again!", "Have mercy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nckcj/in_getting_tired_of_the_jehovah_witnesses/
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I told my buddy we should go to a gambling anonymous meeting. He said ‘Why? We don’t have gambling problems!’

I replied, ‘You wanna bet?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nck0t/i_told_my_buddy_we_should_go_to_a_gambling/
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A Jewish Wife's Unexpected Arrival at Home

Yankele's wife Feige came home early and found Yankele in their
bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
Feige was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you. I want a Get (Jewish divorce) right away!'
And Yankele replied, 'Hang on just a minute Feige so at least I can
tell you vat happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be
the last words you'll say to me!'
And Yankele began -- 'Vell, I vas getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took rachmones on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she vas very thin, not vell dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and varmed up the lokshen kugel I made for you last night, the food you vouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on veight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and vile she vas doing that, I noticed her clothes vas dirty and full of holes, so I threw them avay. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer outfit that you have had for a few years, but don't vear because you say it's too tight. I also gave her the undervear that vas your anniversary present, vitch you don't vear because I don't heff good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Chanukah that you don't vear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't vear because someone at vork has a pair the same.'
Yankele took a quick breath and continued - 'She vas so grateful for my understanding and help that as I valked her to the door, she turned to me mit tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your vife doesn't use?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ncfdy/a_jewish_wifes_unexpected_arrival_at_home/
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What do you call an empty cup of coffee?

Depresso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ncf81/what_do_you_call_an_empty_cup_of_coffee/
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Bar Joke!

A man named Bob takes an elevator to go to a bar on top of a building. When he gets there he sits at the bar next to a man.
The man leans over to Bob and says, “have you had the martinis at this place?”
Bob shakes his head so the man orders a martini and chugs it down.
“Watch me.” Says the man as he walks to the edge of the roof. Suddenly the man jumps out of the window as Bob watches in horror. But just as the man is about to hit the ground he stops in mid air and flys back up to the window where Bob is.
“You can do THAT if you drink a martini here?” Bob says and the man nods.
Bob immediately orders a martini and drinks it. He then jumps off the roof and hits the ground, dying instantly.
The other man goes back to the bar and orders a martini, when the bartender brings it over he says. “You know you can be a real dick when you drink, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nce6n/bar_joke/
%
I started reading "Old Yeller" today ..

But I had to put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nccx9/i_started_reading_old_yeller_today/
%
What did the Spanish Monk say to break up with his girlfriend?

No mas stay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nc1cg/what_did_the_spanish_monk_say_to_break_up_with/
%
Out of fuel and over the water, a pilot desperately turns to his co-pilot and says "Let's rename the plane to r/Jokes". Confused, the co-pilot asks "why?"

"It's simple" says the pilot "r/jokes don't land".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nbwuc/out_of_fuel_and_over_the_water_a_pilot/
%
Pale Tomatoes...

Two women are talking while gardening. "Oh, I am SO jealous of your tomatoes. Mine are so pale and yours are bright red.".
"It's easy, just walk out in your nightgown early in the morning and flash them. They'll be bright red after a couple of days."
They meet again a few weeks later.
"Hey, did my hint about your tomatoes help?"
"Huh. The tomatoes are still pale, but my cucumbers are like five feet...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nbwrt/pale_tomatoes/
%
An old woman phoned the police and said that her neighbour keeps undressing in his bedroom with curtains open and lights on, so the police go and investigate, they looked out of her window and says but madam you cannot even see his bedroom with that tree in the way she replies.

You can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nbttr/an_old_woman_phoned_the_police_and_said_that_her/
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Did you hear about the man who broke a 14 year old piano?

He got arrested for assaulting A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nbquq/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_broke_a_14_year/
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A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nbnip/a_waiter_walks_up_to_a_table_full_of_jewish_women/
%
At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”
“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”
“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”
“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.'”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nbmb6/at_school_one_day_little_johnnys_teacher_asks_the/
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Roses are red, sorry for the Hypocrisy

But hey, we’ve updated our privacy policy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nbk6q/roses_are_red_sorry_for_the_hypocrisy/
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The Wishing Pool

Three friends who were on an adventure through the jungle stumbled upon a magical wonder: they discovered a pool which turned into whatever you wished for. Before jumping off the rock next to the pool, you have to shout whatever you want the pool to turn into.
The first friend decided to try it. He climbed upon the rock and shouted "WINE!" and jumped into the pool. The moment he touched the water, the pool turned into wine. it was wonderfull.
The second friend was not a winelover and decided to jump the rock. He climbed upon the rock and shouted "BEER!". Again the pool changed into what the guy had wished for. It was a delight for him.
The third friend decided to climb the rock and to jump the pool. He had some dificulty climbing the rock because it got slippery from the splashing of the previous friends. Once he got on top of the rock, he prepared his jump but slipped and fell. While he fell he shouted "SHIT!" and landed into the pool ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nbjc1/the_wishing_pool/
%
[NSFW] I had my first boxing match yesterday

It reminded me of the time I lost my virginity, I was bloody and really sore, but at least my dad came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nbi54/nsfw_i_had_my_first_boxing_match_yesterday/
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A man’s penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records,

but then the librarian told him to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nbawh/a_mans_penis_was_in_the_guiness_book_of_world/
%
Grammar Nazis should be locked up!

There textual predators!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nb66b/grammar_nazis_should_be_locked_up/
%
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nb65n/hello_and_welcome_to_the_mental_health_hotline/
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Why is a jigsaw puzzle more relaxing when it is finally finished?

Because that is when it's most piece-full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nb4o4/why_is_a_jigsaw_puzzle_more_relaxing_when_it_is/
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I had an idea for a Writing Prompt where there is an insane asylum full of people who think they are part of a Monty Python skit and quote the lines endlessly.

Someone told me that's called 'college'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nayiy/i_had_an_idea_for_a_writing_prompt_where_there_is/
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I like my women how I like my coffee.

I've never had coffee, but it smells nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8navwq/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Who is an anti social vegan?

Someone who avoids meets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8naqls/who_is_an_anti_social_vegan/
%
Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will.

Soldier: Which one is Will?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nai2x/officer_at_the_shooting_range_get_ready_aim_fire/
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Seems like I keep hearing the same funny thing about a jogger over and over again.

It’s kind of a running joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nahgo/seems_like_i_keep_hearing_the_same_funny_thing/
%
I don’t know why, but I find it hard to trust people who sell lucky rabbit’s feet.

They give me paws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nah3b/i_dont_know_why_but_i_find_it_hard_to_trust/
%
I saw biggish girl at the pub last night,

Her t shirt said "watch out I'm a man eater!"
I went up to her and said " excuse me, love ... About your t shirt slogan."
She interrupted me and angrily snapped " oh let me guess: you want to know how many man I've eaten? Well, you know what, I can't help my size."
I said "Actually, no, I wasn't going to say that at all. "
She looks happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you what to say then?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nagh9/i_saw_biggish_girl_at_the_pub_last_night/
%
went to see doctor about my weight

ME:  Hey Doc, I've gotten so fat I can't even see my dick anymore
DR: so why don't you diet?
ME:  what difference does it make what color it is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8nagfo/went_to_see_doctor_about_my_weight/
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A man goes to the circus

A young man named John was a huge fan of the circus all the way through childhood, he had a huge affection for the acrobatics, showmanship and the hilarious clowns.
Finally, one day, a circus came to his tiny village and he saved all his money to make the trip.
He had a great time, the circus was everything he'd hoped it would be and now the main event he'd been waiting for, in steps the clown.
The clown spotted John in the audience immediately and says, 'you sir, are the front of an ass?'
Sheepishly John said 'no'
'Are you the back of an ass?'
'No?'
'Then I proclaim you are no end of an ass!' shouted the clown with glee. The audience erupted and John felt betrayed and embarrassed. His hero had let him down.
He pondered what had happened and decided he simply did not have the required eloquence required to combat the clown on his level. As such, he decided to dedicate his life to becoming the most eloquent and witty man he could ever be.
John studied English to a PhD level, he began writing novels and witty interludes for newspapers, he was widely renowned for his incredible sharpness and his grasp of the English language.
Years passed, and one day, the circus returned to his home town once more, John purchased a ticket in the front row.
Once again, the circus wowed John, it truly was a spectacle. But then, the moment came and the very same clown from years past entered the arena once more.
The clown recognised John immediately and pointed at him.
'You sir, are you the front of an ass?'
'No' replied John
'Are you the back of an ass?'
'No'
'Well then, you are no end of an ass!' the clown announced. The audience laughing as they had done in the past.
But then John arose and the audience gasped, they recognised him at once as the wittiest most eloquent man they had ever known.
John pointed towards the clown and proclaimed; 'Fuck off you big nosed bastard!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8na055/a_man_goes_to_the_circus/
%
A hunter walks into a bar

A big game hunter walked into a bar and was bragging to everyone about his hunting skills. He claimed that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them the calibre.
The other patrons thought he was blowing smoke and decided to make a bet... if he won they would buy him a drink, if he lost he owed the whole bar a round. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he woke up with a headache and a black eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n9zl7/a_hunter_walks_into_a_bar/
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A steak pun in r/jokes

is a rare medium well done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n9zaz/a_steak_pun_in_rjokes/
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I found a book about anti-gravity

it's really interesting; I can't put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n9wrt/i_found_a_book_about_antigravity/
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Easiest way to get immortality

Me : *rubs lamp*  "I don't want to die a virgin"
Genie : *grants immortality*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n9wgf/easiest_way_to_get_immortality/
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What’s the different between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n9wdi/whats_the_different_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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Why did Elon Musk send a Tesla into outer space?

When NASA sent a Challenger up, it didn't go so well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n9sh4/why_did_elon_musk_send_a_tesla_into_outer_space/
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My dad told me to invest my money into bonds.

So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n9pa3/my_dad_told_me_to_invest_my_money_into_bonds/
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How many dude-bros does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Shit's already lit fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n9p7a/how_many_dudebros_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Shipwrecked

There was a shipwreck and just three men and one woman survived. It's was remote island and no hope for rescue so they decided to make the best of it and built a small settlement on the island. For survival of humanity they decided that there would take turns having the woman as their wife one week each.
This went on for some months and everyone was happy with the arrangement until suddenly she died.
First month was quite unbearable.
Second month was absolutely horrible.
On the third month they decided to bury her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n9mv2/shipwrecked/
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My friend's OCD is really killing his luck with women

As soon as he turns them on, he has to turn them off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n9kag/my_friends_ocd_is_really_killing_his_luck_with/
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What does ADHD stand for?

Attention Deficit HEY DOUGHNUTS!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n9jdx/what_does_adhd_stand_for/
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I had sex with my new girlfriend for the first time last night.

When we finished, she rolled off of me and said "wow, you're by far the biggest I've ever had!" Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n9ilf/i_had_sex_with_my_new_girlfriend_for_the_first/
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How do you discipline a pet rock?

You hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n9d46/how_do_you_discipline_a_pet_rock/
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I like my coffee the same way I like my slaves

Free, you racist bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n9a4q/i_like_my_coffee_the_same_way_i_like_my_slaves/
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So your momma walks into a bar

the bar breaks upon impact

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n8zmk/so_your_momma_walks_into_a_bar/
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Airplane

You're on a flight from LA to Houston.
Flight attendant: would you like some head phones?
Person: How'd you know my name is phones?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n8xdv/airplane/
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Girls are always so impressed with how fast I can take a bra off

But generally, they’re not too happy that I was wearing one in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n8rrb/girls_are_always_so_impressed_with_how_fast_i_can/
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A guy ring’s his new girlfriend’s doorbell

She sees him holding a very nice bouquet of flowers and drags him in.
She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says “This is for the flowers!”
“Don’t be silly” says her boyfriend, “you must have a vase somewhere!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n8r5g/a_guy_rings_his_new_girlfriends_doorbell/
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2 spies in an interrogation room

The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.
Spy A says to the other
"Whatever you do, dont say a word"
A few seconds later Spy B said
"Fdugyop"
The Spy A looked at Spy B and said
"what did just say?"
Spy B replied
"Oh when we played scrabble you said '*thats not a word*' and NOW its a word"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n8q44/2_spies_in_an_interrogation_room/
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Where are graveyards located?

In the dead center of town.
Why are there fences around them?
Because everyone is just dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n8ppc/where_are_graveyards_located/
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A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.
"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.
"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do, but could you please explain what exactly happened during your suicide attempt and what stopped you?" the therapist asks.
"Well I drove up to this cliff with the door locked and sat for 'bout a minute contemplating whether to just drive off and end it all. Luckily there were a dozen people who really didn't want me to give up just yet, and caused me not to." said Greg.
"Sound like extraordinary people, who exactly were they?" the therapist responds.
"The people in the back of the bus." Greg answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n8lr8/a_patient_talks_to_his_therapist_after_a_suicide/
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You know why they can't keep any Jews in prison?

They eat lox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n8kx3/you_know_why_they_cant_keep_any_jews_in_prison/
%
Time flies like an arrow

Fruit flies like a banana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n8bnw/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked
"Very critical," said the officer.
"The fuck is she complaining about now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n8a7g/the_police_called_to_tell_me_that_my_wife_was_in/
%
What is green, fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree?

a pooltable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n893m/what_is_green_fuzzy_and_kills_you_when_it_falls/
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What do uni students and gay Mexicans have in common?

They both do their essays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n86rc/what_do_uni_students_and_gay_mexicans_have_in/
%
How do you keep 100,000 idiots in suspense

Please stand by

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n84pa/how_do_you_keep_100000_idiots_in_suspense/
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Voltaire moments before death

I don’t know if this has been on here but my high school teacher told me this a while  ago.
On his death bed, a priest came to Voltaire’s home and told him there was still time to go to heaven if he accepts Jesus as his lord and savior  and reject the devil and all his beliefs.
Voltaire then says, now is not the time be making enemies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n849m/voltaire_moments_before_death/
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What happened to the frog’s car?

It got toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n83rq/what_happened_to_the_frogs_car/
%
I don’t know what it is about artists

but I feel like I’m drawn to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n83g5/i_dont_know_what_it_is_about_artists/
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yo mama fat

Yo momma so fat, it's been four weeks since thanos snapped his finger and she's still disintegrating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n82lv/yo_mama_fat/
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I went to a fancy dress party...

A girl approached me and asked ‘what are you meant to be?’
I said ‘a harp’
She replied ‘your costume is too small to be a harp’
I said ‘are you calling me a lyre?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n81z4/i_went_to_a_fancy_dress_party/
%
What is brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7ybz/what_is_brown_and_runny/
%
A duck walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'
The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.
'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in shock but lets him continue uninterrupted. The duck eats his food, pays and leaves.
All week the duck comes in and orders the same pint and a pork pie. The barman is amazed, but can't bring himself to interrupt the duck during his meal.
Saturday rolls by and the duck doesn't come in - obviously not working at the building site on the weekend. However, the circus is in town and in walks the circus ringmaster for a pint.
The barman says to the ringmaster 'you won't believe what I've seen this week, a talking duck!'
'Wow! That's incredible' says the ringmaster.
'Yeah, he walks in every lunchtime for a pork pie and a pint - it's amazing'
'That is amazing' agrees the ringmaster. He hands the barman his card and says 'tell him to get in touch with me, I could have some work for a talking duck!'
So Monday rolls round as as expected, in walks the duck - who orders his pork pie and a pint as usual.
The barman sheepishly picks up the card and says 'sorry to disturb you, but a circus ringmaster walked in the other day and I mentioned you've been in all last week. He told me to give you this, he might have some work for you.'
The duck looks confused and studies the card perplexed.
'So, the circus?' says the duck.
'Yeah, he came in on Saturday' says the barman.
'Where they all live in tents, with a big top and it's all made of canvas?'
'Yeah, that's right'
'Where all the humans walk free, and the animals live in cages?'
'I guess so... yeah'
The duck studies the card intently and pulls a face.
'What do they want a plasterer for?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7usg/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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Tattoos

People are amazed at how good the tattoo artists are in Spain........
They weren't expecting the Spanish ink precision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7ums/tattoos/
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Burnt

Just burnt my Hawaiian pizza........
Should have put it on Aloha temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7tdk/burnt/
%
How do you get 11 million followers

Run through africa holding a bottle of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7sop/how_do_you_get_11_million_followers/
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A woman was charged with attacking her husband with guitairs...

The judge asked "first offender?"
She replied, "No, first I used a Gibson, then I hit him with a Fender"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7rf6/a_woman_was_charged_with_attacking_her_husband/
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You know, cigarettes are a lot like Hamsters, Perfectly Harmless....

That is unless, of course, you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7qg2/you_know_cigarettes_are_a_lot_like_hamsters/
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How to save your chickens

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up & eventually got so heavy & so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week...
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast & killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer...
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman...
I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!!!”
So the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING
3 days later Farmer Jack called the policeman & said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers... The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster!!!”
So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
That really sped them up... So Farmer Jack called & said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign???”
In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said, "Sure. Put up your own sign...”
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack, "How is the problem with the speeding drivers, Did you put up your sign???”
"Oh, I sure did & not one chicken has been killed...”
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out & take a look at the sign... He also thought the sign may be something the police could use elsewhere to slow drivers down...
So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house...
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign : ”NUDIST COLONY"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7ou7/how_to_save_your_chickens/
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Watch makers are the best people to date.

They make time for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7otc/watch_makers_are_the_best_people_to_date/
%
What rhymes with Orange...

No it doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7ncq/what_rhymes_with_orange/
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What did the Nordic man do when he first logged onto Facebook?

He went on a liking spree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7msg/what_did_the_nordic_man_do_when_he_first_logged/
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Had sex with my girlfriend a few days ago.[NSWF]

She told me to turn the light off and stick it in her butt.
I guess I should've waited for the bulb to cool down first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7j1p/had_sex_with_my_girlfriend_a_few_days_agonswf/
%
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7hwm/after_my_wife_had_given_birth_to_our_baby_the/
%
During my check-up I asked the Doctor,

"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7hc0/during_my_checkup_i_asked_the_doctor/
%
At the barbers today,

I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. So he gave me a cushion to sit on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7f9o/at_the_barbers_today/
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I was just attacked by a group of Mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7f8a/i_was_just_attacked_by_a_group_of_mime_artists/
%
If a tall lesbian and a short lesbian have a baby...

...you could call them maxi-mum and mini-mum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7enb/if_a_tall_lesbian_and_a_short_lesbian_have_a_baby/
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What's the difference between Murphy's Law and Cole's Law?

Murphy's Law is the idea of anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Cole's Law is just thinly sliced cabbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7cz6/whats_the_difference_between_murphys_law_and/
%
I developed a game where you feed avocados to small subterranean mammals!

It's called Guacamole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7cjd/i_developed_a_game_where_you_feed_avocados_to/
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Without a doubt,

my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7bv7/without_a_doubt/
%
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's going to take me a while to get hard...I just got laid by some chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7bm8/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
%
I gave a cheese grater to a blind man for a present

He said it's the most violent book he's ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7aj5/i_gave_a_cheese_grater_to_a_blind_man_for_a/
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A Jewish man and a Chinese man strike up a conversation...

Before long they're arguing...
Jewish man: "You know what? I hate you."
Chinese man: "For what?"
Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!"
Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"
Jewish man: "eh, Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?"
Chinese man: "Well, you kow what? I hate you."
Jewish man: "For what?!?"
Chinese man: "The Titanic!"
Jewish man: "An iceberg sunk the Tatanic!"
Chinese man: "eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n789f/a_jewish_man_and_a_chinese_man_strike_up_a/
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Do you know how I escaped Iraq?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n7581/do_you_know_how_i_escaped_iraq/
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Why don't Bluetooth devices swim?

Because they're always trying to sync.
(My dad wrote this joke, just wanted to share it somewhere)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n6zpp/why_dont_bluetooth_devices_swim/
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I watched hockey before it was cool.

They basically were swimming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n6z9z/i_watched_hockey_before_it_was_cool/
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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n6w4r/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/
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The brownies I started making in my easy bake oven in 1987

are done if anyone wants some.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n6txj/the_brownies_i_started_making_in_my_easy_bake/
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Life is like a box of chocolates,

it doesn't last long if you're morbidly obese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n6p2t/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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A blonde was driving on the way to disneyland.

She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n6o47/a_blonde_was_driving_on_the_way_to_disneyland/
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My wife tried to be sexy by biting her lips at me...

...I didn't have the heart to tell her that you're supposed to bite your *bottom* lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n6k6p/my_wife_tried_to_be_sexy_by_biting_her_lips_at_me/
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Why couldn't Bach afford a new harpsichord?

He was baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n6ceo/why_couldnt_bach_afford_a_new_harpsichord/
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What do you see when Donald Duck pulls down his pants?

His butt\-quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n6b1d/what_do_you_see_when_donald_duck_pulls_down_his/
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I met a beautiful girl down at the park today.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we ended up having sex right then and there.
I fucking love my new Taser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n66z6/i_met_a_beautiful_girl_down_at_the_park_today/
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A woman was walking down the street

when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop sweets years ago", the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?", the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband
and myself tonight.
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, salon and chocolates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n66ou/a_woman_was_walking_down_the_street/
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I just had a physical

Doctor: “don’t eat anything fatty”
Me: “like bacon and burgers?”
Doctor: “No fatty, Don’t eat anything!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n64ft/i_just_had_a_physical/
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I don’t know how to say this, but

can you pass the Worcestershire sauce?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n60pn/i_dont_know_how_to_say_this_but/
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Two cannibals are eating r/Jokes.

One says, "does this taste funny?" The other says, "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n5vrg/two_cannibals_are_eating_rjokes/
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My wife says I am bad with directions

I think that's why she right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n5r7n/my_wife_says_i_am_bad_with_directions/
%
What happened when the farmer fell asleep while driving?

He hit the hay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n5r4v/what_happened_when_the_farmer_fell_asleep_while/
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A guy came up to us on the beach in Ensenada the other day and said in English, “Did you hear about the kidnapping a few minutes ago? It happened right over there...”

“The kid was fine though. They just woke him up.”
It took me about eight seconds to get it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n5r0p/a_guy_came_up_to_us_on_the_beach_in_ensenada_the/
%
I might not be a surgeon

but I'll take a stab at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n5lwq/i_might_not_be_a_surgeon/
%
Someone stole my mood ring today.

I'm just not sure how to feel about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n5g1e/someone_stole_my_mood_ring_today/
%
Your wife is our hostage. You have 12 hours to send us one million dollars or we'll kill her!

Upon reading this text message, the husband responds...
My wife is actually sleeping right next to me, safe and sound but please tell me more about this deal, I may be interested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n5bgb/your_wife_is_our_hostage_you_have_12_hours_to/
%
A priest notices a little boy down the street

Trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n59z5/a_priest_notices_a_little_boy_down_the_street/
%
it's the month of Ramadan right now ...

and I'm having at least two dates every night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n58y3/its_the_month_of_ramadan_right_now/
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Why did the half blind man fall into a well?

'cuz he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n58op/why_did_the_half_blind_man_fall_into_a_well/
%
45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane are scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.
The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n52pu/45000_feet_above_the_atlantic_the_aircraft_engine/
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One day on the farm...

Little Susannah walked outside and saw a chicken was lying on its back with it's legs up in the air. When she brought this to her father's attention, he explained to her the chicken passed away, and went to bury it.
Later that night Susannah came to her father and asked "Why was the chicken lying with its legs up in the air?"
Her father chuckles and says "Because it makes it easier for angels to pull them up to Heaven."
Little Susannah accepted this, and pushed the matter no further.
A few days later Susannah's father comes home from work, and the girl runs out of the house up to him.
"You're not going to believe this!", exclaimed Susannah.
"What is it?", her father asked.
"When you were at work I heard mommy screaming from the bedroom, so I went to check on her!"
"Oh my goodness!", Susannah's father panicked. "What happened?"
"She's okay now. But when I looked into the room, I saw she was lying there naked with her arms and legs up the air yelling 'Oh Jesus, I'm coming! Jesus, I'm coming!'
"It's a good thing the mail man was there to hold her down, or she would have been a goner for sure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n51pd/one_day_on_the_farm/
%
Last night I asked my wife if she would like to roleplay rape

"No", she replied.
"That's the spirit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n50w0/last_night_i_asked_my_wife_if_she_would_like_to/
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Officer: Soldier, I did not see you in camouflage class.

Soldier: Thank you sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n4wfv/officer_soldier_i_did_not_see_you_in_camouflage/
%
A young man had a dream...

He wanted to be a train conductor. Ever since he was a little boy he had dreamed of it. So, when he graduated, he went straight to Train conductor school.
He studied hard every night, determined to be the best conductor he could be. His alarm clock went off three hours late for the final exam.
The next year came, and the young man did it all again, breezing through the course thanks to the knowledge he had retained from the previous year. It was so easy, he got lazy, and didn't study hard enough for the exam, and failed it.
On his third attempt, the young man was fed up, and frustrated. He didn't care all through the course, never turning in homework or studying. He failed the final exam for a third time, and he had had enough at that point. He took his father's revolver and went through the conductor school, murdering anyone he could find. The police finally subdued him. He was put on trial, and sentenced to death.
He spent years in prison, until the day of his execution finally arrived. He was brought to the electric chair. The executioner through the switch, and nothing happened. Several more attempts followed, and still it had no effect. The young man said, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n4sfj/a_young_man_had_a_dream/
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I hate scuba diving

It was the lowest moment of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n4jqu/i_hate_scuba_diving/
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What’s it called when the person delivering your baby suddenly becomes squeamish and can no longer fulfill his/her duties?

A midwife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n4gyu/whats_it_called_when_the_person_delivering_your/
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My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n4e9p/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_vacation/
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Question

Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n4cif/question/
%
Don't think your husband is cheating on you!! It's not a good...

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got top of her...
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"
And then switched on the light...
"No madam", said the gardener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n4c9s/dont_think_your_husband_is_cheating_on_you_its/
%
I just got my spine removed

It held me back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n46kq/i_just_got_my_spine_removed/
%
I went to donate blood today, but they asked too many questions...

Like, "who's blood is this" and "where did you get it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n43xe/i_went_to_donate_blood_today_but_they_asked_too/
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3 logicians walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "Do you all want beer?"
The first says "I don't know"
The second says "I don't know".
The third says "Yes!"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n3zoa/3_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
%
?

It's a ! with scoliosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n3ysm/_/
%
In 2011, a $3,200 cake made for Paris Hilton's birthday was stolen by a party crasher by the name of "Paz".

I've heard party crashers do crazy things but that one takes the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n3qq3/in_2011_a_3200_cake_made_for_paris_hiltons/
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85\-year\-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this\-\-first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Sophia, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n3ofd/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for/
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Dad: "Shit like this is why I don't love you."

I'll never take over the family fertilzer business...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n3mrr/dad_shit_like_this_is_why_i_dont_love_you/
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How did the farmer manage to shave 100 sheep in one hour?

Shear effort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n3ilv/how_did_the_farmer_manage_to_shave_100_sheep_in/
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A woman who was married six times had just died.

During the funeral service, the pastor heard her sister say "I'm so glad they are finally together!"
The pastor replies "Which husband are you referring to?"
"None of them. I was talking about her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n3i1g/a_woman_who_was_married_six_times_had_just_died/
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A Globe was walking down the street.....

It saw Central America crying on the curb.
The Globe asked, "Why are you crying?"
Central America sobbed, "Because....I will never get any snow!"
The Globe retorted, "Well, NOT with THAT latitude!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n3azi/a_globe_was_walking_down_the_street/
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The man who invented cats’ eyes...

The man who invented cats’ eyes to make the roads safer at night got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights.
If the cat had been going the other way, he would’ve invented the pencil sharpener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n2ugg/the_man_who_invented_cats_eyes/
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A man's friend is having a party at her house.

The man is invited. he asks what kinds of food and drinks there will be. His friend tells him there will be hot dogs, salad, burgers, club sandwiches, and pizza, and for drinks there will be beer, wine, lemonade, and fruit punch. The man is excited about these options, and is in a great party mood. He leaves for the party, but along the way, he gets a flat tire and has to replace it, so he arrives at the party late. When he gets there, he sees that there's already a lot of people there, listening to music on full blast and dancing along. He decides to join them, and after a long dance session, he gets thirsty. He looks over at the beverage table and sees that there's a line for beer, wine, and lemonade, but no punch line. Then he looks over at the punch bowl, and sees that it's completely empty.  He starts looking for his friend, and when he finds her, he asks her what happened to all the punch.
"Well, before the party, I decided to have a glass of wine, but i got a little carried away. I got so drunk that I accidentaly spilled all the punch, and i didn't have any more left. I'm still not completely sober, so I probably shouldn't drive out to get more, and I didn't wanna bother asking anyone else to do it because I didn't want them to miss any of the party, and people seem fine with the other drinks anyways."
"Oh, well I guess I could drive out to get some if you want."
"Really? You don't mind?"
"No, it's no problem."
So the man's friend hands him some money, and he drives out to buy the punch. He comes back, and refills the punch bowl.
So near the end of the party, a punch line developed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n2sdg/a_mans_friend_is_having_a_party_at_her_house/
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What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?

Wasabi?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n2r1u/what_did_sushi_a_say_to_sushi_b/
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My wife said if women ruled the earth, there’d be no wars.

Yes, i replied. “Wars require strategy and logic”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n2lvd/my_wife_said_if_women_ruled_the_earth_thered_be/
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Three wives were talking to each other about their husbands and comparing them to drinks.

The first said, "My husband is like 7-Up.  Because he's got 7 inches, and it's always up."
The second said, "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew.  Because when he gets home from work, he likes to 'mount and do' me."
The third says, "My husband is like Jack Daniels."
The first responds, "Girl, that's a hard liquor."
And she responds, "Yeup, that's my Leroy!"
My dad told it to me over the weekend, so credit to him.  Don't know where it originated from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n2k2u/three_wives_were_talking_to_each_other_about/
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I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of marijuana, and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.

The steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n2i4d/i_accidentally_let_my_cows_graze_in_a_patch_of/
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Just so everyone is aware, dogs are not able to undergo an M.R.I.

But Catscan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n2gzb/just_so_everyone_is_aware_dogs_are_not_able_to/
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What type of surgery do Jewish doctors prefer to perform?

Circumcision.
They’re always left with a tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n2e0t/what_type_of_surgery_do_jewish_doctors_prefer_to/
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So a guy asked me what I think about windmills...

I answered, "big fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n2dxv/so_a_guy_asked_me_what_i_think_about_windmills/
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Everyone keeps telling me the polite thing to do is to open a door for a woman...

But she just screamed and fell out of the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n2d6j/everyone_keeps_telling_me_the_polite_thing_to_do/
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What’s do bees dress up as on Halloween?

Boo-Bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n29zb/whats_do_bees_dress_up_as_on_halloween/
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Technically it was Moses.....

that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n1t7x/technically_it_was_moses/
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My New Years resolution is to be more assertive!

If that's okay with you guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n1s9d/my_new_years_resolution_is_to_be_more_assertive/
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I used to work in a prison watchtower...

One night I dozed off and our only midget prisoner made a run for it.
I came out of my slumber when he reached the fence and took aim. The little mother fucker scurried up the fence faster than anyone I’ve ever seen. I took a shot but missed and before I could even recollect myself to take another, he made it over the fence and onto the other side.
The entire time he climbed down the other side, he was hurling insults at me, getting louder and louder after each shot I missed...
it was a little condescending...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n1oni/i_used_to_work_in_a_prison_watchtower/
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The tourettes pianist

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n1l55/the_tourettes_pianist/
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Smart blonde joke

Whoah, I know. Here it is: so a blonde walks into a bank and asked to borrow a $500 loan. The bank needs some colleratal so she gives the bank her Rolls Royce. After a couple of months she comes back and promptly pays the loan back. The bank clerk asked why she borrowed the money if she could pay it back easily.
She said, "cheapest parking in San Francisco."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n1jy1/smart_blonde_joke/
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Shouldn't Iron man be a woman?

After all he is a Fe-Male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n1f91/shouldnt_iron_man_be_a_woman/
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The teacher pulls Johnny aside after a test...

“Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests,” she says. “You know I can’t condone cheating.”
Johnny was astounded and asked the teacher to prove it.
"Well,” said the teacher. “I was looking over your test and the question was,  'Who was our first president?', and the student that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
“So, everyone knows that he was the first president."
“Well, just wait a minute," the teacher continued.  "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?'  Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
“Wait," said the teacher.  "The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?'  Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n1dsv/the_teacher_pulls_johnny_aside_after_a_test/
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I bought a porn DVD today

and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock. Then I realised the telly wasn't on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n1a2e/i_bought_a_porn_dvd_today/
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A man is sitting on his back porch when he sees a teenage boy walking along the road carrying something in his hand...

He yells to the teen "What do you got there?"
The boy yells back "chicken wire"!
"What are you doing with that chicken wire?" asks the man.
The boy yells back, "I'm going to go catch some chickens!"
The man laughs and yells to him, "I don't think you know what you're doing, that's not how you catch chickens."
The boy says "You just wait and see."
At the end of the day, the boy is walking back up the road and smugly smiles at the man. Behind him he is dragging a long unfurled roll of chicken wire, with chickens caught all the way through it.
The next day, the man is sitting on his back porch when he sees the teenage boy walking by again holding something in his hands.
He yells to the teen "What do you got there?"
The boy yells back "Duck Tape"!
"What are you doing with that duck tape?" asks the man.
The boy yells back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks!"
The man laughs and yells to him, "I don't think you know what you're doing, that's not how you catch ducks."
The boy says "You just wait and see."
At the end of the day, the boy is walking back up the road and smugly smiles at the man. Behind him he is dragging a long unfurled roll of duck tape, with ducks stuck all the way along it.
The next day, the man is sitting on his back porch when he sees the teenage boy walking by again holding something in his hands.
He yells to the teen "What do you got there?"
The boy yells back "a pussy willow"!
"Hold on!" Yells the man, "let me get my coat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n181z/a_man_is_sitting_on_his_back_porch_when_he_sees_a/
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What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n13ac/what_did_the_buddhist_ask_the_hot_dog_vendor/
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How many children with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Lets go play with our bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n132a/how_many_children_with_add_does_it_take_to_change/
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100 bricks are on a plane and one fell off, how many bricks are left?

99
How do you fit a giraffe in a fridge?
Open the fridge, take everything out, put the giraffe in and close the door
How do you get an elephant in a fridge?
Open the fridge, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door
The lions hosted a party and all the animals came, except for which one?
The elephant
A man swims across a man-eating crocodile infested river and survives, how?
The crocodiles are at the party
Then he dies. How?
The brick hit him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n12ji/100_bricks_are_on_a_plane_and_one_fell_off_how/
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If you think the scrotum and the epididymis are the same thing, you're wrong.

There's a vas deferens between the two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n0rz1/if_you_think_the_scrotum_and_the_epididymis_are/
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A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n0nz7/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_give_me_a/
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A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n0j0q/a_woman_in_labor_suddenly_shouted_shouldnt/
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I’m holding a party for people who might not be able to reach orgasm and you’re invited...

If you can’t come, let me know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n0ic8/im_holding_a_party_for_people_who_might_not_be/
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What did the bread dough say to the lonely baker?

It’s nice to be kneaded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n0859/what_did_the_bread_dough_say_to_the_lonely_baker/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,

they would eventually find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n06ob/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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A man is walking home one night when he rounds a corner to find a young woman fingering her a man in the butt...

"Uh, what are you doing?" the man asked her.
She turned and looked at him with frustration in her eyes.
"This is my boyfriend. We went out drinking together tonight and it was supposed to be *his* turn to drive. Well, he drank too much so now I'm trying to induce vomiting."
The man is puzzled and replies, "That won't make him throw up."
She replied, "It will when I stick my finger down his throat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8n0509/a_man_is_walking_home_one_night_when_he_rounds_a/
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The four letters in the word queue aren’t silent.

They’re just at the back of the Q.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mzyts/the_four_letters_in_the_word_queue_arent_silent/
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I took the shell off of my pet snail because I thought it would make him move faster

...if anything, it made him more sluggish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mzyp0/i_took_the_shell_off_of_my_pet_snail_because_i/
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What does Daredevil and Scarlet Witch have in common?

They both love red and lost their Vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mzx2a/what_does_daredevil_and_scarlet_witch_have_in/
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I don't have a girlfriend because I'm a player

More specifically, singleplayer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mzvbq/i_dont_have_a_girlfriend_because_im_a_player/
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They say you should learn from mistakes

So then why did my parents have another kid after me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mzsf5/they_say_you_should_learn_from_mistakes/
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If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will be.

No need to remind her about it every 15 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mzrmc/if_a_girl_says_she_will_be_ready_in_5_minutes_she/
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Yo mama so fat...

When she wakes up, she says: "Battle Cruiser, operational".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mzr9f/yo_mama_so_fat/
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Have you heard about that new movie, Constipation?

Of course not, it hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mzlxz/have_you_heard_about_that_new_movie_constipation/
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What do you say when you walk into a German bakery?

Gluten Morgen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mzh84/what_do_you_say_when_you_walk_into_a_german_bakery/
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What do you call a witch from the Middle East?

A sand witch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mzbuq/what_do_you_call_a_witch_from_the_middle_east/
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The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today"?

Timmy says, crying, Because I heard my Daddy say to my Mommy, I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mz9pb/the_teacher_asks_timmy_why_is_your_cat_at_school/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing in a group watching a street performer juggle.

The performer notices that the four gentleman have a very bad view of the show and gets up on a wooden box, and shouts into the crowd “can you guys see me better now?”  He asks.
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mz8m2/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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Where is a tech support's bathroom located?

At their I Pee address!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mz8la/where_is_a_tech_supports_bathroom_located/
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If girls with big knockers work at hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

I-hop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mz84l/if_girls_with_big_knockers_work_at_hooters_where/
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Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?

Because it’s a little meteor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mz7ri/why_does_a_moon_rock_taste_better_than_an_earth/
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What happens when a hospital runs out of labor and delivery nurses?

They have a mid-wife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mz3nh/what_happens_when_a_hospital_runs_out_of_labor/
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What’s worse than spiders on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8myur2/whats_worse_than_spiders_on_your_piano/
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The tale of Yuri. (Preemptive apologies).

Yuri had lived in Russia all of his life, in a small town near Moscow. The town had horrible weather conditions almost all of the time and very few people lived there. Everyone living in the town was struggling to survive in such poor conditions. Yuri had lived alone in a small house in this town. He worked every day at a factory that was close to this town. It was hard work, and Yuri was never very happy with his work, but he kept enduring the rough conditions to be able to have an income. Yuri's life had been like this for several years, and he had endured many hardships during these times.
Every day, while Yuri was taking his walk to the factory before work began, he always passed by a large billboard on the side of the road. The billboard changed every month or so, usually showing an irrelevant advertisement for something that Yuri had little interest in. Today, however, Yuri noticed a new advertisement on the billboard. It read, "SWIMMING LESSONS" in large letters, accompanied by a picture of a large man swimming through the water. This ad had given Yuri something to be interested in. He had always had an intense passion for swimming, but it was always too difficult to practice in the frigid waters of the lake near his home. Yuri continued to read the ad before he finally came to the price: 5000 Rubles base fee.
Yuri was sad, because this was much more than Yuri could afford to spend. However, he thought to himself, "If I could save up enough money from the factory work, then by the end of the month, I should have enough..." After this, he decided that day that he would work as hard as he could to make sure he had enough money by the end of the month. He even had to cut back his food supply by just a small amount to still have enough money. Finally, at the end of the month, Yuri finally had enough money to be able to go to the swimming pool not far from his home where the practices were being held.
Every day after his hard work at the factory, he greatly enjoyed going back to the pool and practicing his swimming. He had started quickly and advanced rapidly. Everyone who frequented the pool to practice their swimming was impressed by Yuri's natural ability to be able to learn and adapt so quickly, becoming very popular with the people at the pool, his hometown, and even in Moscow. It was truly a passion of Yuri's.
A few months had passed, and Yuri's amazing swimming abilities had been noticed by people in places all across Russia, considering a swimming prodigy. Yuri was always modest about his skills, but was humble nonetheless. However, he still had to continue his work at the factory, and live in the same small house he had lived in since he was born. For him, swimming was the one thing that saved him from the cruel and harsh life he lived.
Later that month, on his way to the factory once again, he had noticed that the billboard he so often passed had changed once again. While it was difficult to read in the unrelenting snowstorm, he managed to make out the words "DIVING PRACTICES" in big letters. Diving was something that Yuri had also found to be interesting, but could never find the time nor place to practice properly. The pool he went to had no diving boards or excessively deep sections of the pool, so it was hard for Yuri to practice diving. However, this would give him another opportunity to pursue what he wanted to do. He looked down at the bottom of the billboard and saw something that, like the other ad, made his heart drop. The base fee was 7500 Rubles.  Yuri knew that it would take another month or two of hard work at the factory to be able to achieve such a high sum of money. The factory was beginning to offer less and less money to Yuri, making life harder on him than it was before. He had to cut back his food money as well to accommodate for this. However, Yuri overcame the hardships in his life and save up just enough money by the end of two months.
The practices were held at another pool not far from the one he already went to, so it was easy for him to practice both swimming and diving at once. He continued to master his swimming skills while also learning how to practice diving. Much like with swimming, however, he had picked up skills quickly, and it only took him another few months before he had mastered diving.
Many people had heard of Yuri at this point. Several news stories across Russia were focused around Yuri, who was considered to be the best swimmer and diver in the whole country. He continued to remain incredibly modest through all of his interviews. "It is only something I am fond of, a hobby" Yuri would say. "I still have a life in the factory that I must attend to every day. It is a hard life, so swimming and diving are what I use to keep myself healthy." Despite his fame and popularity, Yuri did continue to work at the factory day in and day out, receiving little pay and little food for all of his hard work. Despite all of Yuri's hardships, he continued his daily routine of working, swimming, and diving.
For yet another time, Yuri was on his way to the factory. The billboard had changed once again. Yuri anticipated something exciting on the billboard, and he was not disappointed at what he saw. "TRAVEL TO AMERICA TODAY!" read the ad. Yuri was very interested. He had always heard of America, and had heard nothing but positive things about it. The land of the free! It was a very exciting idea to Yuri. However, he knew that with ads like these, he knew they would come at a steep price. Unfortunately, he thought correctly. The boats that traveled to America were advertised as costing 60,000 Rubles.
Yuri knew that that kind of sum would come from only another year or so of hard work at the factory. The factory work had become increasingly more difficult every single day, with little pay, food, and free time. However, he endured the next year the same way he endured the previous years: with swimming and diving. It truly was his passion, and Yuri was not sure on how he would have survived without them.
Finally, the year had passed, and Yuri had finally saved up enough Rubles to be able to ride the boat to America. He climbed aboard the boat with all of his possessions with him, all managing to fit in one small suitcase. The boat was somewhat small in size, being able to house only around 20 or so people. The boat set sail across the cold waters of the ocean. About a day had passed when people had finally recognized Yuri, the famed Russian swimmer and diver. They were all very excited to meet Yuri, and had several questions to ask him about his swimming skills. "It is nothing much, just a passion of mine, that is all. It is something I use to endure the hardships and trials of my life..." Yuri would always respond to his fans.
One day the boat had to make a stop at a small island to fill up the boat's gas supply, for they had much less than they had expected to have. It was a nice, sunny day outside, and the water was said to be very warm. One of the passengers asked Yuri to show off some of his diving techniques to his fans, since they had time to kill before the boat would depart again. "Hey, Yuri! While we wait, could you show us some of your diving skills? I would LOVE to see them!" Yuri was hesitant at first. Another passenger asked, "And maybe once you have done that, could you show us your swimming techniques? The water is warm, and it would make my day to see them!" Yuri replied, "Well... ok, if you all insist I do it."
Yuri looked off the side of the boat. On the bottom of the boat, a balcony extended from the bottom. Yuri feared he might hit the balcony on his dive down, but everyone else assured Yuri that he wouldn't hit it in a million years. Yuri stepped up over the railing, onto the side of the boat. With the same skill that he had used so many times before, he demonstrated his graceful diving skills by performing his favorite dive he knew. His fans watched in amazement as his body twirled through the air beautifully, showing the same amount of skill he put into each of his other dives. As he dove down towards the war waters below, people watched and expected for Yuri to land smoothly in the water.
Unfortunately, Yuri never landed in the water. He landed instead on the solid, hard deck of the boat's balcony below. The impact sounded painful, and all of the spectators winced on pain over his fall. Yuri remained motionless for several seconds, and his fans began to worry. Many people were about to call for medics when Yuri managed to get up slowly. "Are you alright Yuri? That fall looked hard! That must have broken some bones!" Yuri, however, had barely an injury. As he had gotten up, he simply regained his sense of direction. This had amazed several people, as that kind of a fall would have surely broken any other person's bones, if not killed them. Instead, Yuri simply stood up with barely a scratch, and waved back at the row of spectators.
"It is OK, everybody" Yuri yelled back. "I have endured many hardships in my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8myueb/the_tale_of_yuri_preemptive_apologies/
%
What does the B in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

Benoit B. Mandelbrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mymdh/what_does_the_b_in_benoit_b_mandelbrot_stand_for/
%
Why was the fan a hot mess?

Because it felt trapped and needed somewhere to vent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mygfe/why_was_the_fan_a_hot_mess/
%
Just tried to change my password to..

'The_Last_Jedi,' but Facebook wouldn't let me. Said there are too many useless characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8myfas/just_tried_to_change_my_password_to/
%
Liberace was great on the piano.

But he sucked on the organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8my9bg/liberace_was_great_on_the_piano/
%
Can I have your upvote?

I have kleptomania.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8my5jn/can_i_have_your_upvote/
%
When Mary had a little lamb, The doctor was surprised.

But when Old MacDonald had a farm, The doctor nearly died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8my1xu/when_mary_had_a_little_lamb_the_doctor_was/
%
I may be schizophrenic...

...but at least i have each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8my167/i_may_be_schizophrenic/
%
My wife always says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…

Lovely woman.
Useless surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mxwyt/my_wife_always_says_the_way_to_a_mans_heart_is/
%
My wife is divorcing me

because I gave a lot of money to Charity. While I see Charity as happiness for my body and soul, my wife sees her just as a whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mxwq6/my_wife_is_divorcing_me/
%
I remember when my mum would tuck me in.

She really wanted a daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mxvge/i_remember_when_my_mum_would_tuck_me_in/
%
War does not determine who is right

Only who is left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mxuyy/war_does_not_determine_who_is_right/
%
What do you call a Mexican Carjacking Victim?

CarLoss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mxstm/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_carjacking_victim/
%
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.

It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mxsmk/the_best_thing_about_alcohol_hand_gel_in/
%
So I started a new band.

We scream aggressively about how broke we are to heavy guitar riffs.
We're called Debt Metal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mxrjy/so_i_started_a_new_band/
%
The difference between high school and prison

Is that no one wanted me during high school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mxqa7/the_difference_between_high_school_and_prison/
%
My friend is in jail for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mxl0m/my_friend_is_in_jail_for_something_he_didnt_do/
%
In a new study.

"Humans eat more bananas than monkeys". I can't remember the last time I ate a fucking monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mxjd4/in_a_new_study/
%
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.

One says, "Does this taste funny?".
The other says, "No".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mxgze/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
%
People are so political these days...

...that you can't even say black paint. Instead, you have to say, "Daniel, please paint my fence".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mxgux/people_are_so_political_these_days/
%
Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mx9m3/why_do_engineers_confuse_halloween_and_christmas/
%
Wow a lot of police in my neighbourhood tonight...

Apparently, the barber got arrested. He was dealing in drugs and running an escort service. Crazy how you think that you know someone, have been customer for years! Never knew he was a barber too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mx9dp/wow_a_lot_of_police_in_my_neighbourhood_tonight/
%
*finds old Ouija board*

"I don't know guys, that stuff is dark--"
"What's the worst that could happen?"
"Spirits of the dead give us your message!"
W-E-H-A
"Guys--"
"Shut up"
W-E-H-A-V-E-U
"Guys--"
"Keep going"
W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-L-I-C-Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mx8t1/finds_old_ouija_board/
%
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years

, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mx7cd/four_friends_who_hadnt_seen_each_other_in_30_years/
%
A blind man walks into a bar.

And a table. And a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mx6u8/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Condoms are available in three sizes:

Small, medium, and liar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mx58c/condoms_are_available_in_three_sizes/
%
I told the doctors in the ambulance the wrong blood type for my ex.

Now she will understand what rejection feels like

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mx2gt/i_told_the_doctors_in_the_ambulance_the_wrong/
%
A robber corners a well-dressed man in an alleyway...

“Take out your wallet and give me all your money!” The robber says, holding a gun to the man’s chest.
“You can’t do this!” says the well-dressed man. “I’m a senator in the U.S. Congress!”
The robber doesn’t lower his gun and replies:
“Well in that case, take out your wallet and give me all MY money!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mx1jf/a_robber_corners_a_welldressed_man_in_an_alleyway/
%
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..."

Me explaining underwear to aliens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mx01a/we_have_smaller_secret_pants_that_we_wear_under/
%
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date....

So after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mwzlw/this_book_on_marriage_says_treat_your_wife_like/
%
Have you ever tried blind-folded archery?

You don't know what you're missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mwz62/have_you_ever_tried_blindfolded_archery/
%
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a insomniac, and a dyslexic?

A person who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mwula/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_agnostic_a/
%
I always wondered why a frisbee gets bigger as it gets closer.

And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mwqs4/i_always_wondered_why_a_frisbee_gets_bigger_as_it/
%
Did you hear that joke about the letter that didn't have a stamp?

— Did you hear that joke about the letter that didn't have a stamp?
— No.
— Nevermind, you wouldn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mwoak/did_you_hear_that_joke_about_the_letter_that/
%
Doctor: You need to take this pills everyday for the rest of your life

Him : But there's only 3 pills doctor
Doctor : Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mwngc/doctor_you_need_to_take_this_pills_everyday_for/
%
What did the duck say to the prostitute?

Put it on my bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mwjzb/what_did_the_duck_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
Yo mama so fat..

Your dad was attracted to her by the force of gravity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mwicg/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
A man goes to a bar after work one evening.

He sees another man having a drink and after a while they get to talking. At about 10:30 PM the first man says, "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The second man replies, "Ill help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The first man agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he gets home, the house is pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. He feels her hands grab his head pulling him in. After he is finished, he gets up and heads to the bathroom to wash his face.
As he walks into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You're gonna wake my mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mwgpz/a_man_goes_to_a_bar_after_work_one_evening/
%
A preacher is talking to a young man about temptation and sin during a confessional...

"Son, nobody is perfect. We all struggle with sin. But as long as we confess to it, Jesus will accept you. I'm here to help with that. Tell me, do you struggle with lust?" asks the preacher.
"No sir," says the young man confidantly.
"No? Do you struggle with masturbation? Or pornography?" the preacher asks.
"Nope!" the young man replies.
"Surely you must have *some* difficultly with them, as all young men do?" the preacher asks in befuddlement. "You mean to tell me you don't struggle *at all* with masturbation, feeling lust, or watching porn?"
The young man shakes his head. "No sir; in fact, I find them all quite easy to do!"
^^(Joke ^^courtesy ^^of ^^insomnia ^^and ^^the ^^Christian ^^youth ^^group ^^I ^^got ^^dragged ^^to ^^where ^^the ^^phrase ^^"struggling ^^with ^^depression, ^^anxiety, ^^suicidal ^^thoughts, ^^or ^^pornography" ^^struck ^^me ^^as ^^way ^^funnier ^^than ^^it ^^probably ^^was)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mwg43/a_preacher_is_talking_to_a_young_man_about/
%
My doctor gave me 6 months to live.

So I shot the bastard. The judge gave me 60 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mwe7c/my_doctor_gave_me_6_months_to_live/
%
Why did the pervert cross the road?

He had his dick in the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mwdux/why_did_the_pervert_cross_the_road/
%
My wife told me to take off her bra and panties

“I never want to see you in my clothes again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mw5x6/my_wife_told_me_to_take_off_her_bra_and_panties/
%
A girl met a guy at the subway

G: Everytime you smile I feel like calling you over to my place
B: awww... Are you single?
G: No I'm a dentist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mw4en/a_girl_met_a_guy_at_the_subway/
%
Why did Hitler REALLY kill himself?

He saw his gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mw1sh/why_did_hitler_really_kill_himself/
%
A baby was born without ears...

A couple had a baby that born without any ears. The neighbors across the street were delighted to hear the news, but they were wondering how to control their son, who was known for making inappropriate jokes and comments. They had a talk with their son, and prepared him for the fact that the baby had no ears. “Now you can say whatever you like, but don’t say ANYTHING about his ears!” The neighbors head across the street to the new mother and father’s house, and they all take a look at the baby. Despite her missing ears, she was still very cute. The mother said, “We’re so lucky that she’s very flexible.” The father said, “We’re so lucky that she can see so well.” The neighbors’ son, unable to contain himself, said “Good! Because if she needed glasses, she’d be shit out of luck!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mw1oj/a_baby_was_born_without_ears/
%
My Father’s favorite joke. Hope you all like it.

This guy takes a taxi. After a while, they encounter a red light and the driver accelerates and passes on the red.
Guy: What are you doing? You’re gonna get us killed!
Taxi driver: It’s ok, it’s ok, my cousin does it all the time. No big deal.
Few moments later, they encounter another red light and the taxi driver accelerates again.
Guy: You ‘re completely insane, you can’t cross on a red light like that! What is wrong with you?
Taxi driver: Don’t worry, don’t worry, it’s all good my cousin does it all the time...
Guy decides it’s not worth getting another cab since he’s almost reached his destination.
They encounter a green light this time and the taxi driver slams the brakes.
Guy: what’s your problem? It’s green, go!
Taxi driver: Are you nuts, what if my cousin is crossing the other way?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mvx66/my_fathers_favorite_joke_hope_you_all_like_it/
%
Why is it called the circle of life?

Because it's pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mvuqx/why_is_it_called_the_circle_of_life/
%
Hey Boss, can I take the day off work? I am going to be a father.

Boss: Of course
*Next day
Boss: so is the baby a boy or a girl?
Me: I’ll let you know in 9 months!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mvtz3/hey_boss_can_i_take_the_day_off_work_i_am_going/
%
Viagra shipment stolen!

Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mvtdf/viagra_shipment_stolen/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I didn't pay $50 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mvnih/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
Three bridge security guards are sitting down to eat lunch...

The unpack their lunches. The first one has a bologna sandwich, the second has a PB&J sandwich, and the third has a ham and cheese sandwich. The next day, they have the same sandwiches again. This continues for many days until one day they are sick of it. They decide that if they don't get something different the next day, they will jump off the bridge. The next day, the first guard unpacks another bologna sandwich, and jumps. The second unpacks a PB&J sandwich, and follows the first. The third finds ham and cheese, and, true to his word, jumps as well. Their families are at their funerals, mourning them. Everyone is shocked that the men killed themselves over lunches. The first guard's wife is weeping, saying, "I wish he told me he didn't like bologna. I never knew!" The second is distraught, wailing "I would have made him anything he wanted, just to prevent this!" The third guard's wife says, "I just don't understand it! He always made his own lunch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mvnaa/three_bridge_security_guards_are_sitting_down_to/
%
Yesterday the lady next door received a buzz from the front door. When she opened the door there was a man there. With a saddened look the man says "Lady, I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat." Without hesitation the man tells the lady that he would like to replace the cat.

The lady looks up at the man and replies "Thats all right with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mvklo/yesterday_the_lady_next_door_received_a_buzz_from/
%
I heard about this little village in Africa where everybody is dying of thirst...

So I sent them a "Get Well Soon" card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mvjnd/i_heard_about_this_little_village_in_africa_where/
%
A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die. Once at the doors of heaven they try to get in but St Peter lines them up to ask them if they’ve ever touched a penis

Calm down  and  form a line please. Let’s see, you first Sister Mary, have you ever touched a penis?
- “...well I did once but only with the tip of my finger”
- “That’s fine” - says St Peter, -“dip your finger in holly water and enter.
-What about you Sister Rose, have you ever touched a penis?”
- ”Yes, but only with my left hand”
- Go ahead and dip your hand in the water before going in.
Suddenly ruckus breaks out and a nun pushes through to  the  front of the line.
- “what’s the problem sister?
- “Listen,  your eminence, if I have to gargle with that water, I’d better do it before Sister Nancy washes her ass with it!!!”
*Translated this from Spanish, I hope it sounds as funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mvixw/a_bus_full_of_nuns_crashes_and_they_all_die_once/
%
Two "Ladies Of The Night" are standing at a corner...

First hooker says, "I think its going to be a good night tonight."
Second hooker replied, "Why do you say that?"
First one ponders for a moment, takes in a need breath and says, "I smell dick in the air."
Second one laughs and says, "My bad, I just burped!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mveeo/two_ladies_of_the_night_are_standing_at_a_corner/
%
A Blonde and a Brunette are on an elevator...

The doors open before their stop and a gentleman gets on. A few floors later the doors open and the gentleman exits. When the doors shut,
Brunette -  “He needed some Head & Shoulders.”
After a few seconds.
Blonde - “How do you give shoulders?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mv71w/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_on_an_elevator/
%
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They're very efficient and they have no sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mv6w0/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
It was my very first day...

Fresh out of college and excited to begin my new career. My name plate, golden, shiny, and positioned perfectly on new desk, "Patricia Mack, Loan Officer"
As I sat at my desk waiting for my first-ever customer, an old man walked in with a Labrador Retriever by his side. The man sauntered up to my desk, and in a thick British accent said to me, "I've got two loans currently taken, both of which I'd like to repay. You can find me under Wyman, Bill.
Before I could look him up, he rustled in his coat pocket and removed a pack orange-flavored Tic-Tac breath mints. Without missing a beat, he took one, said, "You should find this sufficient to cover the first balance," and kneeled down to set it on my foot.
"And _this_," he held up another, "should cover the second." Again, he kneeled down and set it on my foot. At this point I had no idea how to react to this guy, but it was at that moment things entered a whole dimension of weird.
The dog placed its paws on my desk and this guy says, "Oh yes, and the dog needs to take out a loan for $100,000. I understand this is an exceptional request, so I shall present you with this..." Once more he began fishing through his pockets, this time revealing a small trinket of no discernable value. "Present this to your boss, he'll know what it means."
So I made my way to the back and knocked on the door of the branch manager's suite. After he invited me in, I recounted to him all of the events that had taken place up to this point. I showed him the strange object and said, "He wanted you to see this. Said you'd know what it means. What even is this thing?"
He took it from me and examined it inquisitively. His brow furrowed, "This old man, he payed two?"
"He placed Tic-Tacs on my shoe," I corrected. And with that, his eyes grew enormous as he exclaimed, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Mack! Give the dog a loan; this old man's a Rolling Stone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mv5el/it_was_my_very_first_day/
%
Fun Fact

Semen comes out at about 30 mph when you ejaculate. That’s why the cops gets so mad when you jerk off in a school zone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mv4g9/fun_fact/
%
So i went to a dance club the other night...

... I had a great time
They played the Macarena, so I did the Macarena.
They played Jump Around, so I jumped around.
They played The Twist, so I did The Twist.
Then they played Come on Eileen, so I was promptly kicked out of the club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mv2jt/so_i_went_to_a_dance_club_the_other_night/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

Without another man's dick in it.
Fuck you, Karen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mv0n1/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
How does a tree express its feelings on a stage?

Through a mono-log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8muw2b/how_does_a_tree_express_its_feelings_on_a_stage/
%
A man went to a Zoo, and all they had to display was a dog

It was a Shih Tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8muqxu/a_man_went_to_a_zoo_and_all_they_had_to_display/
%
Twelve nipples sounds like a lot

Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8muqsq/twelve_nipples_sounds_like_a_lot/
%
Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8muiev/got_my_girlfriend_a_get_better_soon_card/
%
My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mugnz/my_husband_and_i_were_dressed_and_ready_to_go_out/
%
When do jokes become dad jokes?

When they become apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8muefz/when_do_jokes_become_dad_jokes/
%
(Classic) There are only 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mudig/classic_there_are_only_10_types_of_people_in_this/
%
What do you call it when two Vietnamese women are fighting over you?

A nguyen-nguyen situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mudcr/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_vietnamese_women_are/
%
How do you write 4 in between 5

f**IV**e

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8muav7/how_do_you_write_4_in_between_5/
%
Where is the worst place to be on Opposite Day?

The maternity ward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mu7nw/where_is_the_worst_place_to_be_on_opposite_day/
%
What do you call lesbian sex in an elevator

A Scissor lift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mu6s2/what_do_you_call_lesbian_sex_in_an_elevator/
%
3 buddies went camping and stayed in a cabin.

The cabin only had one bed so they decided to share it.
The next morning the guy who slept on the left side of the bed said “I had a dream I was getting jacked off.”
The guy on the right side of the bed said “that’s weird I had the exact same dream.”
The guy in the middle said “you guys are lucky. I had a dream I was skiing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mu28x/3_buddies_went_camping_and_stayed_in_a_cabin/
%
My wife got really mad at me earlier when I tried to force feed our young son...

"Just use the fork!" she said. "You're not a Jedi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mu0j5/my_wife_got_really_mad_at_me_earlier_when_i_tried/
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What is the Kool-Aid Man’s favorite type of bar?

A hole in the wall...
OH YEEAAH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mtzey/what_is_the_koolaid_mans_favorite_type_of_bar/
%
Did you hear about the tie and the hat who went hiking?

The tie always liked to hang around, whilst the hat kept going on ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mtyqr/did_you_hear_about_the_tie_and_the_hat_who_went/
%
I hate walking past homeless people that have a few dollars right infront of them..

Like I get it!
You've got more money than me- no need to show off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mtwag/i_hate_walking_past_homeless_people_that_have_a/
%
I joined a support group for Cannibals

I think its important to be with like minded individuals and get the chance to meat new people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mtt3w/i_joined_a_support_group_for_cannibals/
%
I stole a stripper’s kid.

It was too easy, like taking a baby from Candy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mtr3h/i_stole_a_strippers_kid/
%
19 and 20 got in a fight.

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mto4x/19_and_20_got_in_a_fight/
%
Why do Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?

So people don't confuse them with feminists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mtnpo/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
%
Doctor says banana is good for preventing constipation. It didn't work for me

...until I found out that he meant I should eat the banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mtmms/doctor_says_banana_is_good_for_preventing/
%
The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mtkh3/the_tiny_door_to_the_magic_castle_was_barely_big/
%
I just learned I’m a sociopath.

I just don’t know how to feel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mtf94/i_just_learned_im_a_sociopath/
%
I was going to make a joke about male genitalia

But I didn’t have to balls to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mtf66/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_male_genitalia/
%
My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!

So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mtes0/my_wife_shouted_at_me_to_go_out_and_find_her_some/
%
Wrong direction

A guy gets home and his wife tells him "Be careful, there is an insane person in the neighborhood who is driving in the wrong direction".
The guy replies "Only one? There are many!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mte2b/wrong_direction/
%
People always say Hugs not Drugs

But whenever i call my dealer he calls me gay!
P.S: I regret nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mt0mm/people_always_say_hugs_not_drugs/
%
Marijuana Possession?

More like joint custody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8msxpe/marijuana_possession/
%
How do you know your wife's dead?

Well, sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8msfzg/how_do_you_know_your_wifes_dead/
%
Are quantum computers going to change our world?

Yes and no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8msee2/are_quantum_computers_going_to_change_our_world/
%
A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery. She was in pre-op and asked the nurse if there was any way she could administer the anesthesia medication herself. To which the nurse replied "I am not sure, I will go ask the surgeon." The nurse leaves to check with the surgeon. After a few minutes the nurse walks back into the room, with the surgeon behind her.
Again, the woman asks the surgeon if she can administer the anesthesia medication herself. The surgeon replies "Sure, knock yourself out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8msdtw/a_woman_who_was_very_skeptical_of_modern_medicine/
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What is Gordon Ramsey's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8msdpm/what_is_gordon_ramseys_favorite_subreddit/
%
What sound does a horny frog make?

Rubbit rubbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8msbsn/what_sound_does_a_horny_frog_make/
%
A woman is vacationing in Germany

While having a nice time seeing the sights, she spots a man with his pants down, pissing on the side of the road.
Disgusted, she yells, “That’s so gross!”
The man smiles and yells back, “Danke!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ms9yl/a_woman_is_vacationing_in_germany/
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An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.
The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.
The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.
Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ms7ph/an_american_soldier_serving_in_world_war_ii_had/
%
Superman's flying around and spots a naked Wonderwoman...

On the rooftops of a building suntanning.
"I bet I could fly in there with my super speed and get a few thrusts before she even knows what happens." So with a burst of super speed he flies in, upzips, thrusts away and flies off.
Wonderwoman laying in the sun notices the quick gust of wind. "what the hell was that?" she asks out loud
"I don't know but my ass hurts" replies the invisible man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ms1a6/supermans_flying_around_and_spots_a_naked/
%
A man and a woman get admitted to a psych ward at the same time...

They always hang around together, wordlessly, just holding each other's hands and everyone assumes they're in love. One beautiful evening the man and the woman take a walk to the pool and the man lets go of the woman's hand and jumps into the pool, she jumps into the pool and saves him heroically while he struggles.
The doctor in charge of both of them visits the woman on the next day and says that he has both good news and the bad news, "Your cool headedness and quick judgement have proven that you've improved enough that you can go out and be a helpful part of the society, and hence we have decided to discharge you." The woman stares at him blankly and the doctor continues "The bad news is that the man you saved from drowning the other day hung himself from the ceiling fan."
The woman smiled and said, "Oh, I did that. He was wet from the pool last night so I hung him to dry. So when do I get to leave, doc?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ms0hd/a_man_and_a_woman_get_admitted_to_a_psych_ward_at/
%
Next time someone asks me to call them a cab

I'll say You're a cab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ms06q/next_time_someone_asks_me_to_call_them_a_cab/
%
My grandfather was a very intelligent man.

He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mrwai/my_grandfather_was_a_very_intelligent_man/
%
A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."
After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls. The representatives notice that there are only four parachutes for the five of them. Wasting no time, the Englishman snatches one up and heads for the exit.
"My glorious country is an age-old kingdom that spans the entire globe," he says. "We are a superior people, therefore I must live. God bless the Queen!"
Following suit, the Japanese representative says,
"My country is the most technologically advanced, and besides, has a population problem. I'm the most valuable person here, therefore I must live!" He jumps out the airplane with a parachute.
As the airplane begins to shake lightly, the American yanks a parachute up, and proclaims as he puts it on,
"My nation is the smartest on Earth, and I'm the most intelligent person on this airplane. Therefore I must live!"
Only the Canadian and Russian are left in the passengers area. Without a word the Russian representative walks over, and hands his parachute to the Canadian. Startled, the Canadian grabs the parachute, saying,
"How valiant of you! I accept, but tell me, why are you willing to sacrifice yourself for me?"
Smirking, the Russian replies,
"That's not the last parachute. The most intelligent one jumped with a sleeping bag!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mrw4q/a_luxury_airplane_is_flying_over_europe_carrying/
%
A girl asked me to have sex with her

I was at the shopping mall yesterday and met this 21-year-old girl who was a laundry detergent promoter. She told me she would have sex with me if I advertised her product to all my friends and contacts.
I was sadly amazed and obviously did not accept her offer because I am much older than her and I have strong moral principles and a clean soul.
A very clean soul... almost as clean as your laundry after being washed with the new AXON liquid detergent, super strong, coming with vanilla and lemon scents for only $4.99.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mrsoq/a_girl_asked_me_to_have_sex_with_her/
%
I heard a funny noise in my shed, so I called the police.

“Hello”, I said, “I think someone is in my shed stealing stuff".
“Do you have anything valuable in the shed”, the dispatcher asked.
“Well, just my tools, the kid's bike and the lawn mower.” I said.
“Sorry”, she said, “we’ve got no one available at the moment. Someone will be with you in the morning” and hung up.
Five minutes later I called back. “Hello, I phoned earlier about someone in my shed.  No need to worry about it anymore though, I’ve just shot him”.
Within 10 minutes the area was crawling with cops, helicopters, and K-9 dog handlers. After catching the crook, the Sergeant came up to me and said, “Hey, you told us you shot the intruder, but he’s alive and well.”
“Yeah? And you told me you had no one available.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mrpnz/i_heard_a_funny_noise_in_my_shed_so_i_called_the/
%
I was arrested for being awake too long

The cops said i was resisting a rest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mroey/i_was_arrested_for_being_awake_too_long/
%
A Blonde tries to buy a TV

A Blonde goes to the mall to buy a TV. She finds a unit she likes and asks the salesman "How much is this TV?".  The salesman looks at her and says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes".  Insulted, she storms out of the store and goes home. She comes back the next day with her hair beneath a hat and walks up to the same salesman. "How much is this TV?".  The salesman looks at her again and says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes".  She storms off in frustration and leaves. On her way home she stops at the drug store and buys hair dye. She spends the night dying her hair brunette. With her foolproof disguise she heads to the mall the next morning and once more asks the salesman, "How much is this TV?".  The sales man looks at her and says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes".  Shocked, she exclaims, "How do you know I'm a blonde!??".  The salesman replies, "Because that's a microwave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mrn8a/a_blonde_tries_to_buy_a_tv/
%
What happens when a pizzaman does an AMA on Reddit?

OP delivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mrek9/what_happens_when_a_pizzaman_does_an_ama_on_reddit/
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her: i like it when guys roll up their sleeves so you can see their forearms

me: [looking down and realizing i only have two arms] fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mr8xy/her_i_like_it_when_guys_roll_up_their_sleeves_so/
%
I asked my girlfriend - what do you like the most about me ? Is it my handsome look ? Is it my amazing intellect ? Is it my astonishing achievements ?

She said "Its your sense of humor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mr7dd/i_asked_my_girlfriend_what_do_you_like_the_most/
%
My post got 32 yesterday

It was an 0C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mr3iq/my_post_got_32_yesterday/
%
Two guys were chatting in the bar

"So how'd it go with that chick last night? She was an English teacher , right?"
"Yeah, she got dressed and left a few minutes after we got in bed"
"Shame. Why'd she do so?"
"I guess she didn't like my improper use of the colon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mqxlz/two_guys_were_chatting_in_the_bar/
%
A rabbi, a priest, and a black guy are on an airplane...

The plane is full of kids but only has 2 parachutes. The black guy grabs one and bails immediately.
Rabbi: Give me the last parachute!
Priest: But what about the kids?
Rabbi: FUCK THE KIDS!
Priest: Do we have time?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mqvmb/a_rabbi_a_priest_and_a_black_guy_are_on_an/
%
Two sailors were chatting

One says "We'll soon arrive at Port. I can't wait to make love to my lady, it's been so long."
The other one promptly replies "Yeah, me too. Say, have you ever made love to your girl in the other hole?"
"No, are you crazy? I don't wanna make her pregnant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mqvlq/two_sailors_were_chatting/
%
A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mqkh8/a_company_owner_was_asked_a_question_how_do_you/
%
A sailor on a Navy ship...

A sailor on a Navy ship had been out to sea for weeks, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawals. Fed up with the lack of sex, he asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take.
"Well, there's a barrel with a hole in it near the mop storage. When it gets to be too much for us, we use that."
So the sailor went over to the barrel and decided to give it a go. Finding it was better than he'd expected, he began using it regularly, and his problems seemed to vanish.
After a couple of weeks, his commanding officer began to take notice, and said, "You seem to be a lot more relaxed. What's your secret?"
The sailor, embarrassed to give a straight answer, simply said he'd been getting better rest.
"well good, sailor. You're going to need it," replied the officer. "Today's your turn in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mqjoy/a_sailor_on_a_navy_ship/
%
Me: I wonder how they are still together after all the shit they have been through

My wife: Who?
Me: My buttcheeks lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mqg1q/me_i_wonder_how_they_are_still_together_after_all/
%
Don't have phone sex with prostitutes.

You might get hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mqe9p/dont_have_phone_sex_with_prostitutes/
%
If your girlfriend starts smoking,

slow down and use some lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mqe0b/if_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
%
I'm taking a Microsoft incel class.

So I can spread sheets by myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mqamw/im_taking_a_microsoft_incel_class/
%
Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Dave accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Frank's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Dave upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Dave went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Frank's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Dave admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Dave confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Frank worked Friday afternoons and Dave didn't, Dave should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Dave showed up at Frank's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Dave quickly dressed and left. As usual, Frank came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Dave come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'
Frank, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mq9e3/two_couples_were_playing_poker_one_evening/
%
I’ve been listening to classical music too loud and now my ears hurt.

I’m having some pretty bad Bach pains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mq8mf/ive_been_listening_to_classical_music_too_loud/
%
A woman gets a call from her husband while he’s at work.

“Darling,” he says, “I just got invited by my boss to go on a weekend company fishing trip. We’re leaving right after work so would you mind packing some things for me? I’ll need my blue silk pajamas, two days worth of clothes, toiletries, my fishing pole, and my tackle box. Oh, and don’t forget my blue silk pajamas.”
The husband arrives home a few hours later and his wife has a suitcase, his fishing pole, and his tackle box ready for him. “Thanks, honey, I’ll be leaving now. Did you remember to pack my blue silk pajamas?”
“Yes, dear, I packed your blue silk pajamas.”
The husband returns home on Sunday night and his wife greets him and asks how his fishing trip was.
“It was great,” he says, “Lots of fishing, lots of networking. Only problem was that you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”
“No I didn’t,” she said, “they were in your tackle box.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mq6t5/a_woman_gets_a_call_from_her_husband_while_hes_at/
%
A forty-seven year old woman see an ad for face cream that makes you instantly look ten years younger.

So she buys the cream, uses it and want to test it and see if people think she is her age or not. So she goes out and get food at McDonald's and says to the young cashier.
"Excuse me sir, how old do you think I am?"
Surprised by the abrupt question the young man smiles and thinks then responds
"Umm, thirty - five? "
The woman beaming with joy says loudly
" Nope! I am forty seven!"
She gets her food and goes on about her day to head to catch the bus.
On the way to the bus stop she stops at a news paper stand and asks the man working the same question.
He answers thirty-five as well which makes her even more confident and proud.
As she gets on the bus an old man sits down beside her, so she turns to him and asks
"Excuse me sir, how old do you think I am?"
The old man smiles and says.
"I can tell you how old you are exactly by sticking my hand down your pants"
The woman shocked by the answer knew he must be an old pervert but wanted to know if he was being truthful or not so she agreed.
The old man stuck his hand down her pants and wasn't shy about it, got what he wanted then removed his hand and said.
"You're forty-seven years old"
The woman now shocked could barely get out her question.
"How?"
The old man smiled and replied.
" I was standing behind you in line at McDonald's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mq5pi/a_fortyseven_year_old_woman_see_an_ad_for_face/
%
Where do the Pastafari live?

In the spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mq4id/where_do_the_pastafari_live/
%
Yo mama so fat

Thanos had to snap twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mpzkc/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
What do you call a group of rapist pirates?

A gangplank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mpy8h/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_rapist_pirates/
%
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?

Well, an epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mpxkz/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
%
A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach.

Somebody really hated his guts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mpwuh/a_guy_was_found_dead_with_ten_stab_wounds_in_his/
%
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street

The brunette says, "Look, a dead bird."
The blonde looks up in the sky and says, "Where?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mpuw4/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_walking_down_the/
%
Little Johnny asks his father, "Dad, why did you name me Johnny?"

"I wanted to call you something that I knew I'd never forget again", replies his Dad.
"So, why did you call me Johnny then?"
"Your mum wouldn't let me call you condom".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mprme/little_johnny_asks_his_father_dad_why_did_you/
%
Why should communism always be lower case?

So that it’s not capitalized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mpqx8/why_should_communism_always_be_lower_case/
%
My friend David lost his ID.

Now he is just Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mpq9e/my_friend_david_lost_his_id/
%
I’ve written a joke about Elton John

It’s a little bit funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mpmet/ive_written_a_joke_about_elton_john/
%
Did you read the joke about the waiters that ran into each other?

I couldn't, the servers crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mpjy3/did_you_read_the_joke_about_the_waiters_that_ran/
%
Would you like the pizza cut into eight or twelve slices?

Just eight, I don't think I could eat twelve!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mpjxx/would_you_like_the_pizza_cut_into_eight_or_twelve/
%
Two CIA agents were staying at a hotel in Moscow.

One was concerned that the room was bugged, so the other said, “Don’t worry, let’s check.” So they looked all over the room for any hidden microphones; behind the drapes, inside the cupboards, even behind the paintings. Underneath the rug, they found a metal disc with four screws. The two agents quickly unscrewed them, and threw both the disc and the screws out of the window. Confident that there weren’t any more bugs in the room, they both went to bed.
When they checked out of the hotel the next day, the hotel manager asked, “How was your stay? How was your room? How was the service?”
“Why are you asking us so many questions?” asked one agent.
“Well,” explained the manager, “the people in the room under you complained about the chandelier falling on them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mpes7/two_cia_agents_were_staying_at_a_hotel_in_moscow/
%
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mp9pq/a_wife_got_so_mad_at_her_husband_she_packed_his/
%
It turns out my son's best friend sells marijuana. I really wish he would distance himself.

So that I could buy more of his friend's marijuana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mp94o/it_turns_out_my_sons_best_friend_sells_marijuana/
%
What's the difference between a gun and a penis?

A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mp7vo/whats_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a_penis/
%
I bought my wife some mirrored sunglasses.

I look great in them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mp4is/i_bought_my_wife_some_mirrored_sunglasses/
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I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence.

I think she’s beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mp2pn/i_called_my_wife_and_said_that_ill_pick_up_burger/
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I've been fucking this girl lately that likes to call me daddy when I choke her.

And I'm like " mom you're making this weird"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mp1hu/ive_been_fucking_this_girl_lately_that_likes_to/
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I can make every woman scream in the shower.

By flushing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8moz7z/i_can_make_every_woman_scream_in_the_shower/
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Hey, Terry

A woman walks into the Ipswich Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?
"Yeah they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Terry."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Terry, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the
oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL
named Terri?"
Their Mother replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time
for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.'
An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell
"Terry" and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
them all Terry."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not
the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8moz5h/hey_terry/
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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8moxxd/i_applied_to_be_a_sperm_donor_and_the_nurse_asked/
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I could never be an astronaut

I'd just be a waste of space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mowap/i_could_never_be_an_astronaut/
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Everyday I say to myself: Jack you need to stop drinking.

Luckily my name is not jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8motr7/everyday_i_say_to_myself_jack_you_need_to_stop/
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I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn..

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mor9q/ive_been_taking_viagra_for_my_sunburn/
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People say I make too many assumptions.

I mean, they don't say it, but I know they're thinking it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8moozg/people_say_i_make_too_many_assumptions/
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"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...
God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mon16/please_be_gentle_im_still_a_virgin/
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"Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop singing 'I Want It That Way'."

Doctor: "Tell me why."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8molom/doctor_doctor_i_cant_stop_singing_i_want_it_that/
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Telling a joke is like food in a third-world country,

Some people just won't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mojkm/telling_a_joke_is_like_food_in_a_thirdworld/
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One day a woman talks to her priest.

WOMAN: "I need to speak with you.
PRIEST: "What is it, my child?"
WOMAN: "I called a man a son of a bitch".
PRIEST: "You shouldn't have called him that, and it is a sin".
WOMAN: "But let me tell you why! He flirted with me."
PRIEST: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch".
WOMAN: "But there's more! He ran his fingers through may hair!"
PRIEST: "Like this?" *runs fingers through woman's hair*
WOMAN: "Yes!"
PRIEST: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch".
WOMAN: "Then he touched my breasts!"
PRIEST: "What? Like this?" *touches woman's breasts*
WOMAN: "Yes!"
PRIEST: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch".
WOMAN: "But then he took my clothes off, and got himself naked!"
PRIEST: "What? Like this?" *gets naked, and strips woman*
WOMAN: "Yes!"
PRIEST: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch".
WOMAN: "But then he forced himself on me, and had his way with me!"
PRIEST: "What? Like this?" *priest proceeds to lay down the woman, and plow her*
WOMAN: "Yes! Yes, father! Yes! Yes! Yes!"
PRIEST: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch".
WOMAN: "But there's the most important thing!"
PRIEST: "What? He got you pregnant?"
WOMAN: "No. He gave me aids!"
PRIEST: "THAT SONE OF A BITCH!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mod3t/one_day_a_woman_talks_to_her_priest/
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Viagra was banned in China by the government.

They don’t want to admit they have election ploblems.
(Bad but OC)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8moccg/viagra_was_banned_in_china_by_the_government/
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To the hacker who hacked my reddit account, I will find you

(edit, no you won't)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mobv1/to_the_hacker_who_hacked_my_reddit_account_i_will/
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What caused the Great depression?

A lack of comedians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mo947/what_caused_the_great_depression/
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A guy is walking along the beach minding his own business

When he encounters a crying woman with no arms or legs.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he walks over and asks her why she's crying.
"I've never been hugged", responds the woman.
The man ponders for a bit and says "fuck it" and he picks her up, hugs her, sets her down and keeps walking.
Later on he walks by her again and notices she's crying again. Again he asks her what's going on.
"Well its embarrassing but i've never been kissed!" Responds the woman. Again, the man thinks for a minute and then picks her up, kisses her and sets her down. Pleased with himself for the good deed he keeps walking along the beach.
A little later he walks by the lady again and again she's crying.
"What the hell is wrong now?" The man asks the woman.
"Well I've never been fucked before!" She answers.
The man, stunned, thinks for a minute. He then walks over to her, picks her up and tosses her in the ocean.
"Well you're fucked now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mnwwm/a_guy_is_walking_along_the_beach_minding_his_own/
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

You are too late. This joke is no more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mnv5h/a_young_blonde_woman_is_distraught_because_she/
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What has 7 breasts and 20000 legs?

The race for the cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mnv3k/what_has_7_breasts_and_20000_legs/
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Currency Fluctuations

An Asian man comes to the US to do business and converts 110 million Yen into 1 million dollars.  On his next trip, he returns to the bank to do the same, but only receives $990,000 in return.
He asks the teller, "Why did I receive less this time?"
The teller responds with a shrug, "Fluctuations"
The man gets very angry and storms out, stopping at the door to shout back, "Fluc your Americans too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mnq3h/currency_fluctuations/
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What’s the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead cat on the street?

There were skidmarks in front of the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mnpiy/whats_the_difference_between_a_dead_lawyer_and_a/
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Did you know that there was a woman with twelve breasts?

Sounds weird, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mnoip/did_you_know_that_there_was_a_woman_with_twelve/
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A young boy asks his dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?”

The dad replies, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That’s confidential.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mnjpe/a_young_boy_asks_his_dad_what_is_the_difference/
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Three Ducks Are Blowing Bubbles In A Pond...

There was once a pond where there was a law against blowing bubbles in the pond and after one drunken night three ducks turn themselves in for committing the crime. They go to their court date and the judge asks to see the first duck and he says to the duck “what do you have to say for yourself?” The duck replies “hi, my name is Quack and yes, I did blow bubbles in the pond.” The judge says thank you and then asks to see the second duck and he says “hi, my name is Quack Quack and yes I did blow bubbles in the pond.” The judge then asks to see the third duck and before the third duck can even come to the stand the judge says “let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack and you did blow bubbles in the pond?” The third duck says “no, my name is bubbles.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mnjor/three_ducks_are_blowing_bubbles_in_a_pond/
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I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises

That woman blows my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mnivo/i_love_it_when_my_girlfriend_says_men_think_with/
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What do you call it when you get a heart attack while watching porn?

Dying hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mnhpb/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_a_heart_attack/
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Flat-earther’s have nothing to fear..

..but sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mnd4g/flatearthers_have_nothing_to_fear/
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A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan

.
While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared\-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.  In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women \(some with clothes and some without\).
He then mailed them to his now\-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mnd4c/a_united_states_marine_was_deployed_to_afghanistan/
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A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO...

... After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the banker proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!
"What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mnaw8/a_young_investment_banker_goes_out_and_buys_the/
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If I have a bee in my hand, what is in my eyes?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eyes of the bee-holder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mn6tb/if_i_have_a_bee_in_my_hand_what_is_in_my_eyes/
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Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, "On what day will I die?"

The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.
"Why are you sure of that?" demanded Hitler.
"Any day," she replied, "on which you die will be a Jewish holiday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mn6cm/hitler_went_to_a_fortune_teller_and_asked_her_on/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mn5n9/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_kkk_member/
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 3am this morning

Can you believe that 3am?! What kind of time does he call that?!
Luckily for him I was still up, playing my drums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mmzz8/my_neighbour_knocked_on_my_door_at_3am_this/
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A blind person gets a cheese grater as a Christmas gift from a friend.

A week passes and he calls his friend and says to him : " That's one of the most violent books i've ever read".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mmuaf/a_blind_person_gets_a_cheese_grater_as_a/
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Years ago I used to work as a secretary for the mafia.

I was involved in very organized crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mmmjx/years_ago_i_used_to_work_as_a_secretary_for_the/
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As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die

Really lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mmkxe/as_a_child_i_had_a_severe_condition_where_i_had/
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I can't place iron objects next to each other...

I'm allergic to Fe lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mmjvo/i_cant_place_iron_objects_next_to_each_other/
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A Couple having sex in the garden at night....

He says "I wish i had a torch" she says "So do I, you've been licking that slug on the grass for the last ten minutes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mmiar/a_couple_having_sex_in_the_garden_at_night/
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A psychiatrist starts working in a hospital

He is checking on the patients when he comes across a man locked in a private room and hitting himself with a shoe
"What's his case?" The psychiatrist asks
"He was in love with a girl for 10 years and then she married somone else" the nurse answers
They then walk up to another private room with a man hitting himself with 2 shoes
"What's his case?" The psychiatrist asks
"This is the man who married her"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mmha3/a_psychiatrist_starts_working_in_a_hospital/
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A man walks into a costume party in nothing but a pair of blue jeans

The host asks him, "What are you supposed to be?"
He responds, "I'm a premature ejaculation."
The host says, "Umm... I don't completely understand."
"Well," the man says, "I just came in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mmbtc/a_man_walks_into_a_costume_party_in_nothing_but_a/
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What did the worm say to the caterpillar?

Who did you fuck to get that fur coat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mmbij/what_did_the_worm_say_to_the_caterpillar/
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My girlfriend told me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mma9h/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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Why was the eel upset with her report card?

She wanted mor-ays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mma3h/why_was_the_eel_upset_with_her_report_card/
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Fun Fact: A male chameleons tongue is 1-1.5 times their bodies length and can fire in & out really fast.

Another fun fact: female chameleons are very happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mm8x1/fun_fact_a_male_chameleons_tongue_is_115_times/
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My penis is like a mini cucumber.

Its never enough to satisfy and it goes bad really fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mm8ls/my_penis_is_like_a_mini_cucumber/
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What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

A hockey player will shower after three periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mm83s/whats_the_difference_between_a_hockey_player_and/
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I went to the prosthetic limb store to buy some new hands

"Two of each hand please." I say to the man at the counter.
"We're all out of left hands sir." He responds.
"All right then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mm5cj/i_went_to_the_prosthetic_limb_store_to_buy_some/
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Judging from everything I’ve seen in the news...

Florida Man is the worst super hero ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mm27e/judging_from_everything_ive_seen_in_the_news/
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What does it mean when you have wheels and a country girl wants you?

It means you *a tractor*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mm25r/what_does_it_mean_when_you_have_wheels_and_a/
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Sometimes "i" makes the same sound as a "y"

You know what, "i" wouldn't do that if "i" were "u"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mlz8m/sometimes_i_makes_the_same_sound_as_a_y/
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I like those black and white movies where no one says anything.

Interracial porn is what they're called, I believe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mlwe3/i_like_those_black_and_white_movies_where_no_one/
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Why did Captain Kirk’s girlfriend break up with him?

Because he Shatner face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mlw93/why_did_captain_kirks_girlfriend_break_up_with_him/
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What is Thanos' favorite drink?

Snapple Half 'n Half

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mltaq/what_is_thanos_favorite_drink/
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Numbers and your family

I've always been interested in both words AND numbers. So when these clicker games started calling large order numbers by their real names, I started drooling at the possibility of seeing the sequence of numbers in action.  We've all heard of a googol (1 followed by 100 zeros) as a number... and likewise, a googolplex. A googolplex is a 1 with a googol zeros after it.  This is an unfathomably large number.  I'm just going to be demonstrating what a googol is with respect to these numbers.  Googol, not to be confused with the search engine Google, and googolplex are just about the only named numbers that there are for now.
First off, we tend to separate the numbers with a comma, space, or other marking every 3rd digit (i.e. 1,000,000 or 1 000 000 etc.) Most of us are aware that after a thousand is a million, at least in English-style languages. As an aside, in French thousand is mille, which is part of the title of a wonderful card game, Mille Bourne. I digress.
After a million, things get a little interesting.  In modern English, it goes right to a billion (a thousand millions).  But, in many other languages, there's an intermediate step, a milliard, which is THEN followed by a billion. So, whereas in English the progression would be thousand, million, billion, trillion, etc., in some other languages it is thousand, million, millard, billion.  For those other languages, their pattern follows with the -illion, -illiard, -illion, -illiard sequence.  So now that we know how to end the words, what about the start?
Few have a use for anything beyond a trillion.  I don't even think I've heard a scientist or mathematician use anything beyond a trillion in a lecture or discussion.  So what comes next?  We'll have to dip into Latin to find out.  Just as a trillion means three 'illions' and a tricycle is something with three wheels, and a four-legged creature is a quadruped, you would expect some sort of quad- prefix for the next -illion.  And you'd be right.  It is quadrillion.  And it doesn't stop there.  We have the whole rest of the chain here, including quint-, sext-, sept-, oct-, non-, and then dec-.  You might even recognize SEPTember, OCTober, NOvember, and DECember from the original naming of the seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth moons(months) respectively.
But what happens after the decillion?  Is there and elevenillion? A twelvillion, or a thirteenillion?  Traditionally, the eleven and twelve are not in the sequence, but the thirteen, with a little fiddling around, IS in there.  Let's look at what thirteen is.  It describes three-ten, but it MEANS a ten with a three, or 13.  Otherwise if we heard someone say thirteen we'd hear "thir-" and write "3" then hear "-teen" and write "1" or "10" if we were too new to it.  But we just know that hearing thirteen means "13" in the spoken form. So how is this treated in the numbers above decillion?  Well using the "thirteen" method, it would be one-teen, two-teen, three-teen, and so on.  But we're going to lean more towards Latin. So, with the Latin twist (and no that's not a dance), it would be undecillion, duodecillion, and tredecillion.  The "tre-" is in the place of the "thir-", and the "-dec-" is in the place of the "-teen."
Easy!  The numbers are just named backwards, but we're already sort of used to it with the teens. If we have a decillion, we know it is ten sets of "000" AFTER one thousand, so that means it is eleven sets of "000" after a one. I'll first write it with a letter to mark thousand, trillion, octillion, etc.
1,t000,m000,b000,T000,q000,Q000,s000,S000,o000,n000,d000
and without the markers:
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 or 1 decillion!
It's a lot of zeros, but it is only about a third of the way to a googol.  Remember a googol is 1 followed by 100 zeros. A decillion is 1 followed by 33 zeros. How can we rapidly find what a googol is without writing the whole thing out and counting? Well, it has 100 zeros in it, and since we are clumping everything into sets of three zeros, why not divide by three?  100 divided by three is 33 and a remainder of 1.  So, let's add that remainder to a one for now and make it a ten.  We also have to remember that the first set of "000" is called thousand, so let's set that aside, too.  We're not removing it, we just already have a name for 1000.
What about the rest? We have 32 sets of "000" to work with.  We know that ten -illions is called decillion.  But this is thirty of them! Not to fret, there are still plenty of words.  It so happens that 20 -illions is called a vigintillion.  What then follows is a trigintillion.
Now we're getting somwhere. If we remember the method from before with the thirteen, the last number is named first.  So we're in the home stretch.  We have duotrigintillion, or 2-and-30-illions.  We don't need to pull that thousand back in, for the same reason a million is not a millithousand or something.  But, we did set aside a remainder with the initial "1" from when we divided.  What does that leave?
Ten duotrigintillion, or if the "-illiard" sequence holds this far in, ten sexdecilliard (I hope). And that's just how many zeros are in a googolPLEX.  That is basically nothing compared to infinity or other ultra-large numbers.
So what does this have to do with your family?
Yo momma so fat, the scale stopped using names and switched to scientific notation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mlrzv/numbers_and_your_family/
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Why doesn't Santa have any kids?....

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does it's down the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mlpuq/why_doesnt_santa_have_any_kids/
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My friend was telling me about gun safety

I guess I didn't get it, the bullet went right over my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mlnet/my_friend_was_telling_me_about_gun_safety/
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It's impossible for the knuckle of your ring finger and the knuckle of your index finger to touch while giving the bird

Haha. I just made you flick yourself off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mllly/its_impossible_for_the_knuckle_of_your_ring/
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In the sixties, people said the government would wiretap your home.

People today: “Hey wiretap, can cats eat pickles?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mljxn/in_the_sixties_people_said_the_government_would/
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A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine”
I said “are you a vet?”
He replied “vet?.. I’m fucking soaking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mliy5/a_german_tourist_jumped_in_the_freezing_water_to/
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There Are Two Types Of People In The World:

...those who believe that people can be generalized into two groups, and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mlib6/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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I'd make a joke about my dick size.

But then I'd have to tag the post long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mlhso/id_make_a_joke_about_my_dick_size/
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I ask my brother if he wanted to watch any war movies.

He said he was tired of watching people getting shot. I said "you never saw anyone get shot, you graduated HS 12 years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mlhh7/i_ask_my_brother_if_he_wanted_to_watch_any_war/
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Harambe and I walk into a bar...

Bartender: What will you be having to drink?
Harambe: I'll have a beer.
Me: No, he'll have just ice.
Bartender: Just ice?
Me: Yes, justice for Harambe.
OFF: This is a repost because Harambe was shot today two years ago. Dicks out for Harambe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mlgbt/harambe_and_i_walk_into_a_bar/
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All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mlcox/all_these_people_getting_emails_from_the_prince/
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A redditor really wants to make the front page

It's always been his dream, and he wants to get a lot of karma.
So he starts praying to God. He says, "Please God, I really want to make the front page. Help me make my dream a reality."
Weeks go by and it still hasn't happened. So he tries again,
"God please, I just want to make the front page. Doesn't matter which sub, it could be any, I just want to make the front page, just once. Please."
Months go by and still nothing. He gets desperate.
"God, if you let me make the front page just once, I will devote the rest of my life to your service. I just really, really want to make the front page. The satisfaction I would get from all that karma would make me so happy, and I couldn't wait to see what kind of dialogue it would generate in the comments. I will serve you forever, if you just help me make the front page!"
Then suddenly the clouds part, rays of light shine out, and a big booming voice speaks forth from the heavens:
"First make a submission!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mlaos/a_redditor_really_wants_to_make_the_front_page/
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A peice of rope walks into a bar...

the rope asks for a drink and the bartender says "Didn't you read the sign? We don't serve rope here" The rope then walks out of the bar and finds a random man. The rope says to the man "Tie me in a knot" so the man ties the rope into a knot. The rope then says "Fray my ends" and so the man frays the ropes ends. The rope walks back into the bar and the bartender says "Hey aren't you that peice of rope that was just in here?"
The rope then says "No, I'm a frayed knot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ml8zk/a_peice_of_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two Chinese guys rob a brewery. The one asks the other, "Is this whiskey?"

The other man replies, "Not as whiskey as whobbing a bank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ml85w/two_chinese_guys_rob_a_brewery_the_one_asks_the/
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What’s the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ml7bt/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_an_anal/
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Cupid would be a more believable character...

...if the people he shot rushed into marriage rather than fell in love

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ml75x/cupid_would_be_a_more_believable_character/
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Laughter

One letter way from screams and death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ml48r/laughter/
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What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ml3co/what_do_pink_floyd_and_princess_diana_have_in/
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Mr.Ferguson always takes the A200 to go to work,

One day, Ms,Ferguson hears on the radio.
« Attention to all listeners on the road today, a car on the A200 is reportedly driving backwards »
Ms.Ferguson, worried, calls Mr.Feguson and says « Honey, I heard on the radio that a car is driving backwards on the A200, be careful »
« It’s not one car » says Mr.Ferguson,
« It’s thousands of them »

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mkzlx/mrferguson_always_takes_the_a200_to_go_to_work/
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I fired my landscaper today.

He just wasn’t cutting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mkyph/i_fired_my_landscaper_today/
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Old Love

An old couple decided to relive their anniversary. They traveled to same hotel that they stayed in all those years ago. Eating breakfast, naked, as they did when they were younger, the old woman says to her husband of many years.
"Honey, I know we've been together a long time, but when I look at your body, I still get the same warm feeling in my breasts that I did when we were younger".
The old man looks at his wife and says.
"I know my love, but this time it's because your tit is your oatmeal".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mkxhu/old_love/
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My mum was rushed to hospital so I left a voicemail for my dad. "Dad, can you call me urgently?"

I got a phone call from him, "Hi Urgently"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mksvy/my_mum_was_rushed_to_hospital_so_i_left_a/
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I dont trust people that dont masturbate

I mean how can i fuck with someone that doesnt even fuck with themself?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mksbj/i_dont_trust_people_that_dont_masturbate/
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A woman goes into sporting goods store

to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A store associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
The associate says, "That's a six\-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10\-LB. test line. It's a good all\-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,". he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who passed gas. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
She didn't say a thing.....just paid the bill!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mkomz/a_woman_goes_into_sporting_goods_store/
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I was at the ATM when...

This old lady approached me and asked if I could check her balance for her so i pushed her and she fell down.
Her balance was not that good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mkjr3/i_was_at_the_atm_when/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there's a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mkjcu/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
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Prince Harry’s bachelor party had to be pretty awkward.

He was putting pictures of his grandma in a strippers G string.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mkc4k/prince_harrys_bachelor_party_had_to_be_pretty/
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Swedish for beginners.

\-Far, får får får?
\-Nej, får får inte får, får får lamm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mkapt/swedish_for_beginners/
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"To a great mind, nothing is little" - Sherlock Holmes

Therefore, my dick isn't tiny. Bitches are just too dumb for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mk8gt/to_a_great_mind_nothing_is_little_sherlock_holmes/
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If 2 vegans are fighting...

Is it still considered them having beef with each other the correct term?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mk8bq/if_2_vegans_are_fighting/
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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. "Your son is just a head!"
But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mk87d/a_man_is_waiting_for_his_wife_to_give_birth/
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Where does the golfer who always gets a score of 0 park his car

In the par-king lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mk75x/where_does_the_golfer_who_always_gets_a_score_of/
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There's a nudist convention in my town tomorrow.

I might go if I've got nothing on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mk75z/theres_a_nudist_convention_in_my_town_tomorrow/
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Why should you never put a watch on a stiff dick?

It’ll give a you a hard time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mk57n/why_should_you_never_put_a_watch_on_a_stiff_dick/
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Why do cows have hooves and not feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mk4t9/why_do_cows_have_hooves_and_not_feet/
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I must be from Saudi Arabia.

I didn’t even know about the royal wedding.
Apparently, I spent my whole life living under Iraq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mk22h/i_must_be_from_saudi_arabia/
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I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mjyne/i_need_to_rehome_a_dog_its_a_small_terrier_and/
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I've been taking viagara for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mjxry/ive_been_taking_viagara_for_my_sunburn/
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A social worker from a big city.....

.....recently transferred to the sticks in south Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.
'Anybody home?' she asked.
'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'
'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the outhouse!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mjv0g/a_social_worker_from_a_big_city/
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My wife and I decided only to smoke after sex

I haven't had a cigarette in 10 years but my wife is up to two packs a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mjsg1/my_wife_and_i_decided_only_to_smoke_after_sex/
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People never ask how Coca Cola is feeling

They only ask if Pepsi is okay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mjr8o/people_never_ask_how_coca_cola_is_feeling/
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The Gentlemens Club of Jokes

In search of a new hobby a man enters a club where several men sit at table, drinks and cigars at hand.
From time to time someone says a random number and everyone is laughing. Bewildered, the man takes one of the gentlemen aside and asks "What the heck is going on here?" - "Well, you see, we tell each other jokes. But because we know every joke we numbered them, so when someone says '8' we all know which joke is told and everyone is having a good time".
The man thinks 'That sounds fun, I'll give it a try', sits down at a table and says "13". Silence follows. Surprised, the man asks "What did I do wrong?"
- "It also depends on how you tell the joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mjp1p/the_gentlemens_club_of_jokes/
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A gang of stray dogs is hanging out together in the local dog park...

A rottweiler, a great dane, a labrador and of course a tiny chihuahua just glad to be accepted by such high company. They're discussing the sorts of things male dogs discuss when a babelicious poodle struts herself on up. A real high breed, classy bitch.
"Hello boys," She greets, "I tell you what I'll do. I like liver...and I like cheese...and whichever of you can use those words in the most appealing sentence can take me out to dinner."
Immediately the rottweiller says, "Hey baby, you're sure looking fine, I'd like to give you a whole feast of liver and cheese."
"Ooh\~" The poodle coos.
The Great Dane, wanting to one up him, says, "Darling for the rest of my life you can have \-all\- of my liver and cheese..."
The poodle nods, "I like it."
The labrador jumps up excitedly, "I'll take you out to a dinner of liver and cheese and serenade you while you eat!"
"Romantic!" The poodle says.
The poodle turns to the chihuahua, then, who didn't expect to be included. He looks at his large pals, then back at the poodle...
And finally back at his friends and he says...
"HEY FELLAS! LIVER ALONE! CHEESE MINE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mjkel/a_gang_of_stray_dogs_is_hanging_out_together_in/
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A horse is watching MTV

A horse is watching a heavy metal music video on MTV and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mjh62/a_horse_is_watching_mtv/
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That’s the spirit

A pastor goes to the local farmers market
There a boy is selling dam fish
The boy tells the pastor to buy some of his dam fish. The pastor calls him out on his language, but the boy explains that he caught the fish at the local dam. The pastor buys some me and goes home. When his family is having dinner he tells his wife to pass the dam fish. His son says “that’s the spirit dad now pass the fu!!ing potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mjgm1/thats_the_spirit/
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Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mjbmj/bullets_are_so_weird/
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A man mentions to a coworker today that her hair smells nice....

The woman suddenly grows enraged, storms into the supervisors office and declares loudly that she's quitting and has decided to file a sexual harassment suit.
"Come on" says the supervisor. "What's wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice?"
"He's a fucking midget".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mj9d3/a_man_mentions_to_a_coworker_today_that_her_hair/
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A man is riding through the desert on his horse...…..

.….The rider is like "Man! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!" Then suddenly the horse goes "Meow!" and starts licking himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mj2eh/a_man_is_riding_through_the_desert_on_his_horse/
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So my wife asked me yesterday "What would you do if You and I were 'Adam and Eve'?"

I replied nonchalantly, **"I'd fap and go to sleep. That would solve most problems."**
P.S: A'yup, I slept on the couch. worth it? :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mj08x/so_my_wife_asked_me_yesterday_what_would_you_do/
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Why don’t you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree?

Because they are really good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mivtu/why_dont_you_ever_see_a_hippopotamus_hiding_in_a/
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The King of the Jungle [long] [nsfw]

The lion, the king of the jungle, once summoned all the animals to celebrate his new born child. Sure enough all the animals showed up and gazed with awe upon the famous lion's rock.
The lion roared fiercly and all animals awaited silently the big announcement of their king. After a brief moment the lion said: "Today is a day of great joy for I became father and my legacy will continue on. To celebrate this day I will arrange a big feast. But it is up to you my loyal subjects to bring the food for the feast. Furthermore I command you to only bring me meat - for I am no puny vegetarian. The ones who won't obey my command shall face a gruesome punishment. These traitors I will batter with my boner."
After these words panic spread amongst the animals. For the lion was known for his enourmous tally whacker. And so the animals ran away in desperate search for food, they could offer their king. The day of the big feast arrived and the animals cued in line to present the king their offerings. First in line was the cheetah, which brought a leg of gazelle. The next one was the cougar, which brought a rack of lamb. Both got a pad on the back and joined the feast. Then the bunny approached the lion with a basket of berries. The lion looked at the bunny disappointed and said: "I only asked for meat. So why you bring my berries?!"
"I am just a little bunny and not fit for the hunt." The little bunny replied.
"I See." Said the lion furiosly "Now you shall feel my wrath!"
The lion rose up and enrolled his humongeous meat snake. He than started pounding the little bunny with his pink helmed love warrior. The bunny cried in agony but than his screams turned into a manic laughter.
"What is so funny little bunny?!" The lion asked.
"There comes the hedgehog." Replied the bunny "And he is bringing mushrooms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mivfb/the_king_of_the_jungle_long_nsfw/
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My mother called me a son of a bitch.

She was right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8miusn/my_mother_called_me_a_son_of_a_bitch/
%
A man and his dog...

A man is walking his dog on a bridge that was close to the water, when the small pup broke lose of its leash and fell off into the slow-moving river.
The quick-thinking German tourist jumps into the freezing water without hesitation, and saves the little pooch.
"Here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off. He vill be fine." The man was stunned with the German's knowledge.
"Are you a vet?"
"Vet...? I'm fucking soaking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8miqmq/a_man_and_his_dog/
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Foul mouthed parrot

A woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot.
She finds there’s three birds available. Two fine plumed parrots for 200$ and a really exotic multicolored one for 20$.
The pet shop owner explained that the beautiful one is on discount because of its coarse language from having previously lived in a brothel.
The woman buys the cheap parrot.
When they get home she sets the parrot up in a cage in the living room. The parrot looks at her and says "Brand new madam! Hello there!”
The woman laughs.
Her daughters walk in and the parrot says “Brand new hookers! Hello there!”
They all laugh again.
Her husband comes in to see what all the commotion is about.
The parrot looks at him and says “Brand new customer! Hello there!”
The whole family is in splits.
The woman opens up her laptop to share the story online.
The parrot looks over her shoulder and says “Same old joke! Hello there Reddit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mihsx/foul_mouthed_parrot/
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My Therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds".....

So, I stabbed him. Now we wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mif52/my_therapist_told_me_time_heals_all_wounds/
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Today, my girlfriend has agreed that we can do everything in bed now.

She accepted my updated privacy policy without reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8micj3/today_my_girlfriend_has_agreed_that_we_can_do/
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Two nuns went for a bike ride and ride down a cobble stone street

One says "I haven't come this way before".
The other says "neither have I just hold on and enjoy it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mibia/two_nuns_went_for_a_bike_ride_and_ride_down_a/
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Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella '*Mississippi*'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mi8tv/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
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Once, there was an old couple....

The husband would wake up every morning and thrust out a loooonnnnnng fart.
She told him for years, "Some day, you're going to shit your guts out if you keep on" but that never stopped him from his morning routine.  Finally, after decades, she had enough.
After cleaning out a turkey she took the insides and carefully snuck them into his pajamas while he was sleeping.
When he woke up she hears the normal RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP followed by horrific screams.
After several minutes there is quietness and the husband shuffles into the kitchen.
"Bai gawd, you were right!!!! But with the grace of God and THESE TWO FINGERS, I got em back up there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mi3dx/once_there_was_an_old_couple/
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What do you call a candle with guns?

John Wick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mi0jp/what_do_you_call_a_candle_with_guns/
%
I don't understand why Windex didn't get rid of my computer virus.

I was told it's great at disinfecting Windows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhz7m/i_dont_understand_why_windex_didnt_get_rid_of_my/
%
A woman tells her husband, "Honey, I've thought this through. I'm going to become a hooker."

"We're barely making ends meet", she adds, "you can't take any more of your job, and forgive me Lord, but there isn't a job I'm qualified for that pays better."
"So it has come to this. I can't say I'm fully comfortable with the idea, but you're right: right now, it's our only way up. I love you honey, and I appreciate your courage."
When the woman comes home, after her first night on the job, she exclaims, "Honey, it turned out so well! I made $200.20! Can you believe it? $200.20 in just one night!"
"By God", her husband says, "that's marvelous! $200.20? That's just... But wait a second there. Who's the asshole who gave you ¢20?"
"Well, all of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhx4k/a_woman_tells_her_husband_honey_ive_thought_this/
%
Why did Ed Gein keep his house so hot?

To prevent the furniture from getting goose bumps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhvgh/why_did_ed_gein_keep_his_house_so_hot/
%
Imagine a world where nobody is starving

A world where everybody is happy. Everybody is friendly. A world with no conflict. No wars. No weapons.
Now imagine invading that world because they would never see it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhuai/imagine_a_world_where_nobody_is_starving/
%
A college professor is teaching a class on the paranormal, and for his first day, he decides to ask some questions to his class.

He stands at the front of the lecture hall and asks, "Now, by show of hands, how many of you have seen a ghost?"
Almost everyone in the class raises their hands, including a rather out-of-place old man in the back.
Having expected that, the professor smiles and asks, "How many of you have spoken to a ghost?"
A few people put their hands down, but about half of the class is still raising their hands, as is the old man.
The professor continues, "How many of you have touched a ghost?'
Quite a few people put their hands down, but the old man and several others keep their hands up.
The professor is surprised by the experience this old man has, and confused as to why he is here. He decides to ask one final question.
"How many of you have had sexual intercourse with a ghost?"
Still, the old man keeps his hand up.
The professor is even more shocked. He asks, "Sir, do you really mean to tell me that you've had sex with a ghost?"
The old man laughs a bit and puts his hand down, replying, "I'm sorry, professor, I thought you said 'goat'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhtfq/a_college_professor_is_teaching_a_class_on_the/
%
What has R. Kelly done more successfully than any other musician?

Using A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhp3b/what_has_r_kelly_done_more_successfully_than_any/
%
I'm not a fan of political jokes.

I've seen too many get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhoqd/im_not_a_fan_of_political_jokes/
%
A man burst into a bar with a revolver on his hand

The man yelled at the top of his lungs
"WHICH ONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?"
The whole bar went silent, one man stood up and replied
"You're gonna need more than six bullets pal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhokz/a_man_burst_into_a_bar_with_a_revolver_on_his_hand/
%
What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhmsp/what_do_alcoholics_and_chemists_have_in_common/
%
Beads of sweat were running down her cleavage. Her breathing was hot and heavy.

She moaned as she gained momentum by rocking her hips harder and harder, preparing for the final climactic effort she knew was coming soon. Then, in one final full-body thrust, it was all over, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief and satisfaction. It's always a struggle when the wife gets up off the sofa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhjqh/beads_of_sweat_were_running_down_her_cleavage_her/
%
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhjp5/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
%
I sometimes do stand-up comedy for a leper colony.

My jokes have them all cracking up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhjb0/i_sometimes_do_standup_comedy_for_a_leper_colony/
%
What do a virgin and a hemophiliac have in common?

One prick and it's all over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhj6r/what_do_a_virgin_and_a_hemophiliac_have_in_common/
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How can you identify a smart ass?

By his wise 'crack'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhhs5/how_can_you_identify_a_smart_ass/
%
My roommate took his dog to the vet this morning and they told him that he was overweight.

And to make it worse, they said the dog is overweight too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhf5g/my_roommate_took_his_dog_to_the_vet_this_morning/
%
Where does a catcher sit down for dinner?

Behind the plate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mhem1/where_does_a_catcher_sit_down_for_dinner/
%
Eskimo: If I did not know about God and lived a life of sin, would I go to hell?

Priest: No, not if you did not know.
Eskimo: Then why did you fucking tell me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mh9kw/eskimo_if_i_did_not_know_about_god_and_lived_a/
%
Have you seen the new movie?

Have you seen the new movie "Constipation"? Probably not... It never came out.
Joke credit goes to a 10 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mh9gk/have_you_seen_the_new_movie/
%
“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked. “Sorry, force of habit. Lots of people do it though, don’t they?” I said.

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mh7x6/do_you_really_have_to_lick_the_knife_she_asked/
%
Dad’s first drink with his son

I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness.  He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn't.  I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest.He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so bloody drunk I could hardly push his pram back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mh5wp/dads_first_drink_with_his_son/
%
I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...

...they hired me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mh5qs/i_went_on_a_job_interview_for_a_security_guard/
%
Got my dog a skipping rope...

Bitch be tripping...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mh4yd/got_my_dog_a_skipping_rope/
%
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the largest prime number.

I wonder what she is up to now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mh4xv/my_ex_girlfriend_was_obsessed_with_trying_to/
%
What advice did Yoda give to the Soviet secret agent?

Cagey be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mh4gw/what_advice_did_yoda_give_to_the_soviet_secret/
%
My mama's fat

Last night she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mh3uj/my_mamas_fat/
%
Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mh0sy/only_a_bad_chef_blames_his_tools_jeremy/
%
I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mh0ii/i_went_into_the_local_library_and_asked_if_they/
%
I went on a rollercoaster and the woman next to me wouldn't stop screaming.

Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mgzaj/i_went_on_a_rollercoaster_and_the_woman_next_to/
%
A highway patrolman pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.

"Ma'am," he tells her, "I clocked you doing 72 MPH. The speed limit on this road is 55."
"But, Officer, the sign back there said it was 75!"
"No, Ma'am, that wasn't a speed limit sign, that was the route sign. You're on State Highway 75. I'm sorry for your confusion, but I still have to write you a ticket."
"Oh, that's okay, Sonny; I understand. I'm just glad I didn't run across you back there on Route 135."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mgx7v/a_highway_patrolman_pulls_over_an_elderly_woman/
%
My daughter asked me, "Dad, why is your nose in the middle of your face?"

I smirked and replied, "Because it's the scenter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mgx1g/my_daughter_asked_me_dad_why_is_your_nose_in_the/
%
A Catholic priest and a Jewish Rabbi meet at a delicatessen for lunch.

The Rabbi orders the pastrami, the priest orders the ham.
"I'm just curious," the priest says to the Rabbi. "Why can't you eat ham?"
"Never really thought about it," the Rabbi replies. "As a Jew, it's just one of the ways we are expected to show our devotion and obedience to God."
As they eat lunch, the Rabbi starts talking about how beautiful his wife is, and how great she is in the sack. "Why can't you take a wife?" the Rabbi asks the priest.
"I dunno ," the priest says. "It's just one of the ways I am expected to show my devotion and obedience to God."
They eat in silence for a while until the Rabbi says, "I realize neither of us can say for sure, but I gotta believe it's better than a ham sandwich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mgvmd/a_catholic_priest_and_a_jewish_rabbi_meet_at_a/
%
A panda walks into a bar

and orders some food. Upon finishing his meal, the panda pulls out a gun from his folds and points it at the patron next to him. Before the patron or the bartender realizes what’s happening, the panda pulls the trigger and gets up to leave.
“What the hell are you doing?! You can’t just go around shooting people!!” Yells the bartender hysterically.
The panda replies over his shoulder nonchalantly, “I’m a panda. I eats, shoots and leaves.”
For disclaimer, this is my dad’s favorite joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mgsxw/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why are nuns celibate?

It's hard to get out of the habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mgsc7/why_are_nuns_celibate/
%
What does a joke stealing bastard say when reusing an old joke?

"I'm not sure if this is a repost and I don't want to get banned, punch line in the comments"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mgppw/what_does_a_joke_stealing_bastard_say_when/
%
A Canadian man went hitchhiking in Italy

He wandered aboot for three weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mgonj/a_canadian_man_went_hitchhiking_in_italy/
%
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut

I'm a cashew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mgjkg/what_did_the_nut_say_when_it_was_chasing_the/
%
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mgigi/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
%
You hear about the new medicine doctors are giving lesbians?

It's called tricoxagain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mghib/you_hear_about_the_new_medicine_doctors_are/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The bar tender: “What'll it be, boys?”
The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.”
The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.”
The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.”
The forth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a ...”
The bar tender interrupts: “Oh, fuck the lot of ya!” ...and he pours a single full beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mgfvh/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
I had to run three miles today *sigh*

Guess that lady must have really wanted the purse.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mgd5j/i_had_to_run_three_miles_today_sigh/
%
In American boxing, what do you call a punch that can kill 20 kids and 6 adults?

A Sandy Hook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mgczq/in_american_boxing_what_do_you_call_a_punch_that/
%
A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show.

He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.
"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?"
The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.
Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you." So the farmer brought out his horse. "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed.
Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?"
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "Sheep lie, ya' know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mgcdl/a_travelling_ventriloquist_on_the_road_in_between/
%
What happens when you cross a dog and a calculator?

You get a friend you can count on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mg9ob/what_happens_when_you_cross_a_dog_and_a_calculator/
%
Chicken and an egg have sex

Afterwards, the Chicken lights a cigeratte and says: I guess that answers that question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mg7cb/chicken_and_an_egg_have_sex/
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What's similar between Scarlet Witch and Daredevil? [spoilers]

The both lost their vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mg5in/whats_similar_between_scarlet_witch_and_daredevil/
%
Son-Dad, can you write in the dark?

Dad-I think so. What is it you want me to write?
Son-your name on this report card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mg542/sondad_can_you_write_in_the_dark/
%
A cheese factory exploded in France.

All that was left was de Brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfyjk/a_cheese_factory_exploded_in_france/
%
What do you call an Eskimo dwarf with a raging erection?

A frigid midget with a rigid digit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfycy/what_do_you_call_an_eskimo_dwarf_with_a_raging/
%
Did you hear about the gay midget?

He came out of the cupboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfxw9/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_midget/
%
A public toilet

I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said: “Hi! How are you?”
Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”. The voice said “ So what are you up to?”. I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”. He said, “Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said, “Rather busy right now”. The voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfr0x/a_public_toilet/
%
Why don’t blind people skydive?

‘Cause it scares the hell out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfqw9/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
%
What's the difference between jail and prism?

In a prism only white goes in but all the colors come out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfpoo/whats_the_difference_between_jail_and_prism/
%
Where do amputees get prosthetics on a budget?

The Secondhand store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfjbb/where_do_amputees_get_prosthetics_on_a_budget/
%
I couldn't remember the abbreviation for Oklahoma...

but it's OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfirl/i_couldnt_remember_the_abbreviation_for_oklahoma/
%
Her: I'm Pregnant. Me: You're Kidding...

Her: Yes, exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfi7t/her_im_pregnant_me_youre_kidding/
%
Two windmills are talking.

One says to the other “what kind of music do you like?”
The other replies “I’m a huge metal fan!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfhiw/two_windmills_are_talking/
%
Physics Joke

I just bought a pair of bad frequency shoes. I keep doppling over and my foot hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfhdi/physics_joke/
%
What do dildos and tofu have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfgyo/what_do_dildos_and_tofu_have_in_common/
%
What do seals do when they need medical attention?

Sea kelp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfgsf/what_do_seals_do_when_they_need_medical_attention/
%
My wife confronted me about my infidelity, so I told her "For me, sex is like an ocean."

"No man ever steps in the same sea twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mff65/my_wife_confronted_me_about_my_infidelity_so_i/
%
Why is Communism one of the most ironic words?

It's Capitalized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfdp9/why_is_communism_one_of_the_most_ironic_words/
%
morning wood is like my childhood...

wasted potential

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfab4/morning_wood_is_like_my_childhood/
%
My girlfriend calls me daddy in bed

Call me old fashioned but I think children should never say their parents name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mfa4i/my_girlfriend_calls_me_daddy_in_bed/
%
Last night I slept like a baby

I woke up crying every two hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mf5bk/last_night_i_slept_like_a_baby/
%
A bingo caller has a ball fly up at his face...

It goes right up his noise and gets stuck.   He goes to the emergency room, the doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have a tumour". The bingo caller looks shocked and asks, "what's the good news?" The doctor responds, " the tumour is B9".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mf553/a_bingo_caller_has_a_ball_fly_up_at_his_face/
%
An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help check her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mf2w4/an_old_lady_at_the_bank_asked_me_if_i_could_help/
%
When I die I wanna go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandpa did...

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mf1w5/when_i_die_i_wanna_go_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like/
%
Why can't you hire a midget to be a cook?

Because the stakes are too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8meyf8/why_cant_you_hire_a_midget_to_be_a_cook/
%
I'm holding a charity event for people who can't reach an orgasm

I'f you can't come let me know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mey7j/im_holding_a_charity_event_for_people_who_cant/
%
Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

You had to hand it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mer1q/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_prostitute/
%
What do you call someone that draws Mongol leaders for a living?

A Khan Artist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8melmp/what_do_you_call_someone_that_draws_mongol/
%
The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit...

Against Las Vegas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mek1s/the_stanley_cup_final_will_feature_a_morally/
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One time my religion teacher who has a monobrow asked me “what the hell did you do to your hair?”

because i had a blond streak through it and I said “what the hell did you do to your eyebrow” and he sent me outside.
When I came back in he asked everyone what monotheism was and I said it
meant a religion that worshipped one god because mono means one as in
monobrow and he sent me outside again.
Then the next week I felt sick and the doctor told me I had mono.
I told him I was going  to need a note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mejrj/one_time_my_religion_teacher_who_has_a_monobrow/
%
A waiter served me some rare steak

But when I told him "I like it well done", he said "thank you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8megs5/a_waiter_served_me_some_rare_steak/
%
I hate stairs so much...

I take steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8megke/i_hate_stairs_so_much/
%
What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mebhv/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
%
A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.
F: You here about the dog?
M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?
F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.
The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them.
F: Go on, ask him anything.
The man says;
M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself.
To the mans surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical "arooo you" that you usually hear on the internet.
D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was real good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years.
The man is stunned. He says to the farmer:
M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!?
F: Cause he's a liar! He ain't ever done any of that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8me3k4/a_man_is_driving_along_a_country_road_and_sees_a/
%
Wanna know the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?

"Wonder how far I can kick this bucket".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8me2y3/wanna_know_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said_before/
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What did Jimi Hendrix say when he was thrown into prison?

There must be some kinda way outta here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdzm3/what_did_jimi_hendrix_say_when_he_was_thrown_into/
%
What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market?

"Good morning ladies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdz99/what_did_the_blind_man_say_when_he_walked_past/
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I have no idea how many exes I have

But I can always change my Netflix password

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdy1e/i_have_no_idea_how_many_exes_i_have/
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Have you ever heard of the movie constipation?

Of course you haven't it never came out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdx14/have_you_ever_heard_of_the_movie_constipation/
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My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear and she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”

In my best bear voice, I replied, “No thanks, I’m stuffed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdwsx/my_daughter_was_having_a_pretend_dinner_party/
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Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdui5/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
%
Do you know the definition of Dilemma?

Lying in a bed naked between two people, on your left is a gay guy and on the right is a super model, which one do you turn your back to?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdttp/do_you_know_the_definition_of_dilemma/
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There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man

I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdtgs/there_was_a_fight_between_a_blind_man_a_deaf_man/
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A clown, a politian and a sex offender walks into a bar.

He orders a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdrs1/a_clown_a_politian_and_a_sex_offender_walks_into/
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I like to read dictionaries

They're not very exciting but they explain every word as you go along

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdiu9/i_like_to_read_dictionaries/
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An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.
Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?
Doctor: Well, treatments usually depend on how severe the hearing loss is. Sometimes the patient can just continue living a normal life.
Man: I am not sure how bad it has gotten, how can I test how bad it is without letting my wife know what I'm doing?
Doctor: That should be easy. Just stand somewhere in the house, maybe like 3 rooms away from your wife, and ask her a question. Anytime you don't here a response move one room closer and ask it again until she responds to you. If she still can't hear you when you're in the same room, then you should definitely bring her in to be examined.
The man is content with this idea, and goes back home to put it to work. When he gets home he greets his wife and walks through his house until he is 3 rooms away from his wife. He clears his throat, and tries to yell through the rooms to ask a question
Mam: HEY HONEY, WHAT IS FOR DINNER TONIGHT?
There is no response. The man thinks to himself, well the rooms are kind of big in this house and maybe I didn't raise my voice enough. So he moves on and is now standing 2 rooms over from his wife and tries again.
Man: HEY BABE, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WILL MAKE FOR DINNER TONIGHT?
Still no response. The man thinks to himself, well I suspected she was losing her hearing so this is no shocker that she didn't hear me here either. So he moves on and is now standing 1 room over from his wife and tries again.
Man: SWEETIE, WHAT WILL DINNER BE TONIGHT?
Again, no response. The man thinks to himself, my poor wife will certainly need some kind of hearing aid if she wasn't able to hear that! But maybe it's not all bad, maybe she'll hear me if I stand in the kitchen with her. So he walks into the kitchen, clears his throat, and asks loudly.
Man: DARLING, WHAT WILL YOU BE SERVING FOR DINNER TONIGHT?
Wife: I ALREADY TOLD YOU 3 FUCKING TIMES THAT WE ARE HAVING CHICKEN YOU DEAF BASTARD!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdiht/an_elderly_man_suspects_that_his_wife_may_be/
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Circa 1994: A blonde walks into an appliance store and says to the salesman.

"excuse me sir,  I would like to buy that television over there"
"Sorry ma'am we don't sell to blondes" the salesman replies
Appalled the blonde scoffs and storms out the door
She comes back with a red wig on and tries again only to have the man tell her
"Sorry ma'am we don't sell to blondes"
She throws her wig and storms out
She comes back as a brunette and gives the same request
"SIR I WOULD LIKE TO BUY THAT TV!" She says firmly.
The man exhausted repeats, "ma'am we don't sell to blondes"
Irate she throws her wig
"How do you keep guessing I'm a blonde! "
The salesman smiles and replies
" because that tv you're trying to buy is a microwave"
Side note:  I understand younger redditors won't understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdhr6/circa_1994_a_blonde_walks_into_an_appliance_store/
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Wealthy woman wants a divorce. NSFW

A wealthy woman tells her mother, “I’m divorcing David! I can’t take it anymore. All he wants is anal sex, and now my asshole is the size of a 50 cent piece, when it used to be the size of a nickel!”
The mother says, “You’re married to a multimillionaire, you have an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, have a $2,000 a week allowance, take six vacations a year, and you want to throw that away over 45 cents?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdg9g/wealthy_woman_wants_a_divorce_nsfw/
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Girl goes back to her dorm room and tells her very blonde roommate...

“I slept with a BRAZILIAN MAN last night!" Her roommate replies, "OMG YOU SLUT! How many is a Brazilian???!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdesw/girl_goes_back_to_her_dorm_room_and_tells_her/
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How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she fits into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdd49/how_do_you_know_when_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
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I don't know why Marvel hasn't tried to put advertisements on the Hulk.

He's essentially a giant banner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdbqp/i_dont_know_why_marvel_hasnt_tried_to_put/
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Karius will never finish any videogame...

Because he can't save anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mdawa/karius_will_never_finish_any_videogame/
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Yo mama so fat...

Thanos had to snap twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8md6b5/yo_mama_so_fat/
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A man gave each of his girlfriends 5,000 dollars as a test.

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman 5,000 dollars to see how they would spend it.
The first girlfriend went out and got a complete makeover. She told him, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second girl went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, “I bought these for you because I love you so much.”
The third woman took the 5,000 dollars and invested it into the stock market, doubled her investment, returned 5,000 dollars to the man, and re-invested the rest. She said, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”
The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and when he was done thinking, he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8md2sc/a_man_gave_each_of_his_girlfriends_5000_dollars/
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What plane isn't straight?

A Biplane.
(Hey it doesn't have to be good, it just has to be OC)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8md2k7/what_plane_isnt_straight/
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If at first you don't suceed...

sky diving isn't for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8md1vc/if_at_first_you_dont_suceed/
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A 3rd grader black boy came home from a all white school and asked his mother....

Mom we had gym class today and took showers. My penis was the biggest of all the boys in class. Is it because I'm black?
No honey, it's because you're 19.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mcxvg/a_3rd_grader_black_boy_came_home_from_a_all_white/
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I had a threesome last night

Just me, myself and I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mcxua/i_had_a_threesome_last_night/
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I finally have an original joke for you guys

Loris Karius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mcvkz/i_finally_have_an_original_joke_for_you_guys/
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Jim leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 years ago?”

“We went behind the behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you”.
“Yes”, she says..”I remember it well”.
“OK, how about taking a stroll around there and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you Old Devil, that sounds like a crazy, yet marvellous idea”.
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation, and having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, “ I’ve got to see these two old-timers going at it. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble”.
So be follows them.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning against each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and lean up against the fence. Then suddenly, they erupt into the most Furious love-making the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes while both are making loud noises and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about old age and life that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself :
“This is truly amazing. I’ve got to ask them what their secret is”.
So as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, But that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply...
“Fifty years ago, there wasn’t an electric fence!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mctxe/jim_leans_over_and_asks_his_wife_do_you_remember/
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What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mcssg/what_do_you_call_a_parade_of_rabbits_hopping/
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I like water.

It really floats my boat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mcskm/i_like_water/
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A man and his wife get into a fight and decide to give each other the silent treatment.

The husband turns out to be a deep sleeper and often relies on his wife to wake him up in time for work.
He realizes he needs her to help wake up, but is unwilling to reconcile differences.
At 8pm, he writes a note saying "Honey, please wake me up at 7 am, I need to get up early for work tomorrow", and leaves it on her side of the bed then proceeds to go to bed.
Next morning, he wakes at 9.30 am. He jumps out of bed, startled and upset his wife did not wake him.
As he is about to step into his bath robe, he notices a note similar to the one he wrote to his wife.
It says, "Honey, honey, wake up! it's 7.30. You don't want to be late for work!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mcqd3/a_man_and_his_wife_get_into_a_fight_and_decide_to/
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What kind of soda do the Guardians of the Galaxy drink?

Groot Beer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mco6c/what_kind_of_soda_do_the_guardians_of_the_galaxy/
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What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree.  A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mcn53/whats_the_difference_between_a_genealogist_and_a/
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I friend of mine has two tickets to the Super Bowl.

They are box seats, and include travel and hotel accomodation. He didn't realise when he bought the tickets that it was the same date as his wedding - so now he can't go.
So if you're interested and want to go instead of him. It's at St James's Church in Bootle at 3pm. Her name is Susan. She will be the one in the white dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mcn1t/i_friend_of_mine_has_two_tickets_to_the_super_bowl/
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Two cannibals had captured and killed a clown.

They decided to make a laughing stock out of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mcjqb/two_cannibals_had_captured_and_killed_a_clown/
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Did you hear about the supreme court justice who was caught stealing the scraps from restaurant booths?

Police identified her as Booth Raider Ginsburg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mcj6w/did_you_hear_about_the_supreme_court_justice_who/
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A police officer tries to break up with his wife, also a police officer.

Husband: "We're over."
Wife: "We're what? over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mch9k/a_police_officer_tries_to_break_up_with_his_wife/
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I ejaculated in my pants during gym class.

I am telling you because I feel it is important to acknowledge one's shortcummings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mc9mf/i_ejaculated_in_my_pants_during_gym_class/
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A hitman beats a cow to death in a ricefield using two small porcelain figures.

Police admit this is the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mc635/a_hitman_beats_a_cow_to_death_in_a_ricefield/
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Husband: I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary

Wife: Nothing will please me more
Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mc2as/husband_im_getting_you_diamonds_for_our/
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I just moved 30 feet north!

I really hope nobody find the rest of the bodies though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mc1fa/i_just_moved_30_feet_north/
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What fruit can open a locked toilet?

Key Wee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mbvwu/what_fruit_can_open_a_locked_toilet/
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The principle difference's between Murphy's law and Cole's law

Murphy's law postulates that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Cole's law primarily consists of thinly shredded cabbage, carrot and mayonnaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mbvds/the_principle_differences_between_murphys_law_and/
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What do artists say to each other before they duel?

avant garde!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mbus6/what_do_artists_say_to_each_other_before_they_duel/
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Why'd the blond take a ladder to the bar?

She heard the drink were on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mbmzb/whyd_the_blond_take_a_ladder_to_the_bar/
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A wife yells at her husband...

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"
Husband : "what did I do?"
Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"
Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"
Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mbmom/a_wife_yells_at_her_husband/
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Make it hurt

My girlfriend told me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt. So I fucked her 3 times and then slapped her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mbm32/make_it_hurt/
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Substitute Priest

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street
and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to
come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to
do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few
minutes a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?".
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.
He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I
have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once.”
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mbjxe/substitute_priest/
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What is Chewbacca's least favorite font?

Sans Solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mbjdh/what_is_chewbaccas_least_favorite_font/
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It is not right to call little people “midgets”.

That is not the correct gnomenclature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mbhmn/it_is_not_right_to_call_little_people_midgets/
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Police officer: “Do you know why I stopped you, sir?”

Me: “I really don’t.”
Police officer: “I’m Vegan, Goodbye.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mbfgq/police_officer_do_you_know_why_i_stopped_you_sir/
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A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."
American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."
Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-out but still in a good condition for it's age surfaces. An old grey-bearded man opens up  the hatch and shouts at them:
"Heil Hitler! Haben sie Diesel?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mbeu2/a_russian_and_an_american_are_in_the_baltic_sea/
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I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins...

They've been breaking camels' backs for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mbd0y/i_find_it_strange_how_everyone_suddenly_cares/
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A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.

She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."
The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mbc55/a_man_walks_into_a_watchmakers_shop_walks_up_to/
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I had a threesome last night.

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mb4ob/i_had_a_threesome_last_night/
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Tarzan and Jane

Jane notices that Tarzan goes in the jungle everyday to stay alone, so one day, wanting to know what he was doing, she follows him.
She sees Tarzan go by a tree, with a hole in it, put his dick in it, and bang it.
So she is touched by the fact that the poor man has to use a tree and decides to give herself to him.
So one day she goes to him, holds his hand, and takes him with her in the jungle.
She gets undressed, lays down, and slowly open her legs. "Now come here".
So Tarzan doesn't wait a second and goes full speed to her and then kicks her in the pussy.
She is hurt, and in pain and screaming: "Why would you do that?"
"You'll never know when there are bees inside there".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mb43r/tarzan_and_jane/
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What steps would you take in case of a fire emergency?

I was at an emergency training today and got asked the question "What steps would you take in case of a fire emergency?"...
Apparently, "Fucking big ones" is not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mb25v/what_steps_would_you_take_in_case_of_a_fire/
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Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mb233/why_do_bacon_lettuce_and_tomatoes_have_the_lowest/
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Somebody once asked me what the difference between ignorance and apathy was.

I told them "I don't know and I don't care".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8mazbi/somebody_once_asked_me_what_the_difference/
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My pet fish

A man was stopped by a game-warden at Lake Michigan with a large bucket full of fish.
The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
“These fish? No, sir, these are my pet fish."
"Pardon?"
"Every night I take these fish down here to the lake and let them swim around for a while to get some exercise. I whistle and they jump back into the bucket, and I take em home.”
"What a load of crap! Fish can’t do that!” the warden replied in disbelief.
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “Well, just watch.” and poured the fish into the lake.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well, are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?” the man asked.
“The FISH,” the warden said exasperated.
“Fish, what fish?” the man asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8masra/my_pet_fish/
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Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8manor/where_do_animals_go_when_their_tails_fall_off/
%
“Son, how is your girlfriend from Thailand?”

“She is great, except, she is a pain in the ass sometimes”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8maffn/son_how_is_your_girlfriend_from_thailand/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8maf7i/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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People say, “Nothing is impossible,”

But I do nothing every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8maejf/people_say_nothing_is_impossible/
%
Why do farts stink?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ma9gz/why_do_farts_stink/
%
Yesterday I saw a sign that made me shit myself.

It said "**Bathroom closed**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ma6wv/yesterday_i_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_shit_myself/
%
This morning I was thinking about a crazy slut who was chasing me with a knife.

It was a scary thot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ma4s9/this_morning_i_was_thinking_about_a_crazy_slut/
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Apparently Drake got banned from this subreddit!

I guess it was Mods Plan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ma3bk/apparently_drake_got_banned_from_this_subreddit/
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The light blew in the bathroom last night.

I couldn't see shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9z7q/the_light_blew_in_the_bathroom_last_night/
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I had to say goodbye to the water in my kettle.

It will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9ydr/i_had_to_say_goodbye_to_the_water_in_my_kettle/
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Son: “Dad, am I adopted?”

Dad: “Not yet. We still haven’t found anyone who wants you”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9vuu/son_dad_am_i_adopted/
%
saw my wife lying at the bottom of the stairs I thought to myself,

“She was right, I am pushy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9ul9/saw_my_wife_lying_at_the_bottom_of_the_stairs_i/
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How do you call the peak of indifference?

What Everest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9txx/how_do_you_call_the_peak_of_indifference/
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What is the best letter in the alphabet?

P - it’s number 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9ph9/what_is_the_best_letter_in_the_alphabet/
%
Men want only one thing and it's disgusting....

Women want only 2,337 things and it's exhausting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9pfq/men_want_only_one_thing_and_its_disgusting/
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My wife asked how she looks this morning.

I said, "drop dead gorgeous!"
She replied, "hope you die too! Handsome!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9oyz/my_wife_asked_how_she_looks_this_morning/
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What is the difference between a French kiss and an Austrailian kiss?

It's the same but down under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9oyq/what_is_the_difference_between_a_french_kiss_and/
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What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9lg0/what_do_a_dog_and_a_nearsighted_gynecologist_have/
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I saw my brothers mate the other day...

But I told them to stop it because they are brothers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9jb9/i_saw_my_brothers_mate_the_other_day/
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9fa8/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
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A man walks into an Australian bar. . .

He says to the bartender, "Give me a pint of Bud Light."
The bartender says, "You must be an American."
The man says, "Well yes I am. What gave it away? Was it my accent? Was it the beer I ordered?"
The bartender replies, "Nah, mate. You're the fattest cunt I ever seen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9f9n/a_man_walks_into_an_australian_bar/
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Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches...

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years! So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow, they're gonna throw themselves off the building.
So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same sandwich, and jumps to his death. The second one opens his lunchbox, same story, jumps. And the third one opens his, sees another same sandwich as yesterday, and jumps off to his demise.
At their funeral, the first construction worker's wife cries, and through her tears says "He should have told me, I would have made him a different sandwich". The second wife totally devastated whimpers "He never complained about his sandwich, I should have known...", and continues crying. And the third one cries "Oh what an idiot I married, he made his own sandwiches"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9edo/three_construction_workers_have_had_it_with_their/
%
I'm giving away my roof for free

Don't worry, it's on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9bh4/im_giving_away_my_roof_for_free/
%
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m9816/whats_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
%
I wnet to an Indian restaurant and ordered biryani...

The waiter said, sorry sir, I don’t know what a birlaurel is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m97ed/i_wnet_to_an_indian_restaurant_and_ordered_biryani/
%
The mathematician awakens, and finds another fire in the hallway.

He looks out the door, then goes back to bed. The house ends up burning down, but the physicist and engineer manages to save the mathematician. When asked why he didn't put out the fire, he says: "I saw the fire, I saw the extinguisher, the solution was trivial."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m8tig/the_mathematician_awakens_and_finds_another_fire/
%
I work as a living statue.

It's a permanent position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m8qxo/i_work_as_a_living_statue/
%
I took some viagra and now my erection won't go away.

I think I have a shoplifting fetish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m8q1r/i_took_some_viagra_and_now_my_erection_wont_go/
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Three explorers

Here's one I heard years ago and haven't seen on here (you folks that live on reddit might have seen it though).
Three explorers (an Englishman, a Japanese, and an American) were captured by cannibals deep in the jungles of the Philippines.
"You are all trespassing on our lands," said the head cannibal (in amazingly perfect English, by the way).  "We are going to flay you, eat you, and use your skin for a canoe.  But you have one opportunity to make your death honorable."
Knowing that he doesn't stand a chance against the entire tribe of cannibals, the Englishman asks for his pistol.  "God save the queen!" he shouts and shoots himself in the head.  It was a very honorable death.
The Japanese man is similarly convinced of his impending doom and asks for his sword. "Banzai!" he screams and he commits seppuku right there, spilling his entrails all over the ground.  An extremely honorable death.
The American man asks for his fork.
"A fork?!" asks the cannibal?
"Yes, a fork"
After the cannibals give him his fork, the American man begins stabbing himself all over his body with the fork. His arms, his legs, his torso.
"Screw your canoe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m8o8a/three_explorers/
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A male and female statue stare at each other for hundreds of years.

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and giggled. The male statue said "Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and I'll shit on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m8n1t/a_male_and_female_statue_stare_at_each_other_for/
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My wife asks Alexa at least once a day - sometimes multiple times - what's the weather?

I just added a routine to make Alexa respond "you've got windows, don't you?"
And now we wait.
(Not really a joke but I'm giggling with anticipation)
Update:
For those wondering, my wife was not amused.
Note to self: avoid messing with wife before she's had coffee and/or food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m8jxx/my_wife_asks_alexa_at_least_once_a_day_sometimes/
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What do you call 100 midgets at a party?

A little get together.
I'm 99% sure repost but it gets me a good ol belly laugh every time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m8fel/what_do_you_call_100_midgets_at_a_party/
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Yesterday I froze myself to -273.15°

And you know what?
I was 0K :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m8cg5/yesterday_i_froze_myself_to_27315/
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The French are the toughest people in the world

They all eat pain for breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m88cl/the_french_are_the_toughest_people_in_the_world/
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A wife was going to the UK...

Wife: Should I bring you something from there?
Husband: Yeah. I'd like an English girl.
The wife leaves for the UK. After she returns...
Husband: Did you bring me what I asked for?
Wife: Yes. You'll get your English girl in 9 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m87hx/a_wife_was_going_to_the_uk/
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A good book is like the family pet

Hard to put down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m87a0/a_good_book_is_like_the_family_pet/
%
A boy asked his bitcoin trading father

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
Dad: $9.45? What do you need $10.11 for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m86si/a_boy_asked_his_bitcoin_trading_father/
%
Hey ladies. I'm six foot, four inches.

Unfortunately, those are two different measurements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m85nj/hey_ladies_im_six_foot_four_inches/
%
There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m7zwr/theres_a_greek_myth_about_a_stream_whose_water/
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A blond American woman travels to Australia...

To meet her boyfriend. They go out on a date and he decides to take her out to a restaurant.
They have a good time and are finished eating, so the guy calls for the bill.
The woman suddenly says "Wait -- when did we start a game of chess? And how did you win so quickly?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m7zgn/a_blond_american_woman_travels_to_australia/
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Dad: Son, you were adopted.

Son: What in the world?! I knew it. I wanna meet my biological parents.
Dad: We are your biological parents. The new ones will be here any minute now, pack up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m7xr7/dad_son_you_were_adopted/
%
I am disgusted by the youth of today.

They taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m7ulp/i_am_disgusted_by_the_youth_of_today/
%
I got a job as a fog bank, I'ts hard work with little pay...

but I make dew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m7rob/i_got_a_job_as_a_fog_bank_its_hard_work_with/
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Any joke can be funny with the right delivery

Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m7h10/any_joke_can_be_funny_with_the_right_delivery/
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What do you call an ox that’s gone gluten-free?

Silly yak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m7fbi/what_do_you_call_an_ox_thats_gone_glutenfree/
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Two bananas are suntanning along the riverbank

Suddenly, a turd floats by and says, “Come on in fellas!  The water’s fine!”
One banana turns to the other and says “Do you believe that shit?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m7dng/two_bananas_are_suntanning_along_the_riverbank/
%
Connected my iPod, named "The Titanic" to my computer.

"The Titanic is synching..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m7djm/connected_my_ipod_named_the_titanic_to_my_computer/
%
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat miner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m7buc/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_down_a/
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I wish people would be more appreciative of me making them breakfast in bed.

None of this “who the fuck are you” and “get out of my house” nonsense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m79ae/i_wish_people_would_be_more_appreciative_of_me/
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Did you guys know that handicapped people were mentioned in the beginning of the bible?

Cain's family was dis-Abel'd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m790o/did_you_guys_know_that_handicapped_people_were/
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Poop jokes are not my favorite....

But they are a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m75i8/poop_jokes_are_not_my_favorite/
%
Mr Singh walks into a bar in London

_*he , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.*_
_*When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."*_
_*Mr. Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."*_
_*The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.*_
_*Mr. Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.*_
_*One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.*_
_*When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."*_
_*Mr. Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no,"*_
_*He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is...*_
_*I have quit drinking"!!!*_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m74vj/mr_singh_walks_into_a_bar_in_london/
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Have you heard about the man who steals statues of famous people's heads?

He was busted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m74lv/have_you_heard_about_the_man_who_steals_statues/
%
A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus....

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we are friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m73l4/a_girl_with_tight_skirt_tries_to_get_on_a_bus/
%
Pulling up into an intersection, the sign said no left turns.

All right I guess...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m72ux/pulling_up_into_an_intersection_the_sign_said_no/
%
I was driving in upstate NY

And I saw a sign that said "Watch For Falling Rocks" so I figured ok, I'll give it five minutes but then I really gotta get going!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m71pu/i_was_driving_in_upstate_ny/
%
Landlords are so stuck up

They act like they own the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m71nd/landlords_are_so_stuck_up/
%
Is it solipsistic in here?

Or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m6zh8/is_it_solipsistic_in_here/
%
I was quite surprised when the lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday

I think they misunderstood when I told them "I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m6ysa/i_was_quite_surprised_when_the_lesbians_next_door/
%
Why’d the vegan CrossFitter cross the road?

I dunno, but hold tight. I’m sure he’ll tell everyone about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m6xzi/whyd_the_vegan_crossfitter_cross_the_road/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m6xp5/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
When did people finally begin to appreciate chick peas?

Posthummusly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m6tfv/when_did_people_finally_begin_to_appreciate_chick/
%
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m6rt0/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_21_year_old_girl_today/
%
My supervisor said I'm getting a poor appraisal because my communication skills are so weak

I didn't know what to say to that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m6rsg/my_supervisor_said_im_getting_a_poor_appraisal/
%
What kind of antibiotic do you give to an Italian?

Amoxsicilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m6prf/what_kind_of_antibiotic_do_you_give_to_an_italian/
%
One of my players only plays lawful good female characters

I think he might have a heroine addiction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m6jy7/one_of_my_players_only_plays_lawful_good_female/
%
A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Police A through D.
So, the murderer goes to dispose of his corpse. He sneaks past the security and steals a boat, which he takes out onto the water. However, the police notice that the boat is missing and send out their teams to find it and catch the thief.
As the murderer is just about to head back, he sees Police A's boat in the distance. "Stay where you are and put your hands above your head!" shouts the boat's captain over a megaphone. The murderer doesn't let him finish before gunning the throttle and sailing off. Police A's boat tries to give chase, but it's an older one and soon the murderer has escaped from them.
Just as the criminal loses sight of Police A's boat, he sees Police B's boat up ahead. He turns around and continues to sail away. Police B's boat is too old to keep up, and soon they lose him.
The murderer realizes he has escaped from Police A and Police B. He begins to make his way back to shore, when he sees the third police team on the horizon. He tries to escape, but their boat is too fast and he is caught. As he's being taken away, he says "how did I get caught after I outran Police A and Police B so easily? Don't they all have old boats that can't keep up?
The officer responds "We've updated our private sea police C."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m6i6m/a_murderer_wants_to_get_rid_of_the_evidence/
%
I saw a new color in a dream last night

It was a pigment of my imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m6hf7/i_saw_a_new_color_in_a_dream_last_night/
%
I think I'm addicted to going to the chiropractor.

It's like crack for my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m6gpv/i_think_im_addicted_to_going_to_the_chiropractor/
%
What's the best part about having Memorial Day off?

3 straight days without a school shooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m6bud/whats_the_best_part_about_having_memorial_day_off/
%
Pros and cons: Choice for abortions

Pro: Killing babies.
Con: Giving women a choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m69yn/pros_and_cons_choice_for_abortions/
%
Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m69c6/blonde_suspects_her_boyfriend_of_cheating_on_her/
%
I grew up in a pretty tough neighborhood. Kids use to cover me in chocolate and frosting and put cherries on my head.

Life was tough in the gateau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m68pi/i_grew_up_in_a_pretty_tough_neighborhood_kids_use/
%
I'm fucked. I just dropped my wife's epilepsy medication in the washing machine.

My wife's furious. Her clothes don't fit now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m67pr/im_fucked_i_just_dropped_my_wifes_epilepsy/
%
Okay people I'm really getting sick and tired of these double standards, if a girl sleeps with 10 guys she's automatically a "slut". Yet somehow if a guy does it

he's "gay"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m66ko/okay_people_im_really_getting_sick_and_tired_of/
%
Two guys are drinking in a bar and one says, "Man, I've really had it with my brother in law."

The 2nd guy asks what happened, and the 1st guy tells him, "He had to go to jail last night and he went nuts. He fought, kicked, screamed, and flung a handful of feces on the wall." The 2nd guy says, "Man he really sounds like a piece of work."  The 1st guy says, "Yeah, that's the last time we invite him over to play Monopoly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m652w/two_guys_are_drinking_in_a_bar_and_one_says_man/
%
Did you hear about the terrorist who cut down all the trees?

He's Bin Loggin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5zy1/did_you_hear_about_the_terrorist_who_cut_down_all/
%
My favourite word is "confidential".

I can't tell you why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5yql/my_favourite_word_is_confidential/
%
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5xva/a_polish_immigrant_went_to_the_dmv_to_apply_for_a/
%
I'm in a band called Inadequate Detectives.

We're currently looking for a drummer, but we haven't found the right guy yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5xaw/im_in_a_band_called_inadequate_detectives/
%
Which country's capital has the fastest growing population?

Answer: Ireland, everyday it's Dublin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5x50/which_countrys_capital_has_the_fastest_growing/
%
A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator.

The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. The investigator then follows the wife around. A few days later, the husband finds a note on his car's windshield. He opens it and it reads: *"Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5va2/a_guy_believed_that_his_wife_is_cheating_on_him/
%
Did you guys hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had a loco motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5ul5/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_mexican_train_killer/
%
Adam and Eve were wandering on the Garden of Eden

They were walking with their makeshift clothes, since they already tasted the Forbidden Fruit and realized they were naked.
Soon, God shows up, and realize they disobeyed his only rule so far.
Mad and with His thunderous voice, He yells at them:
"**WHY, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!? WAS ALL THE OTHER FRUITS OF THIS GARDEN NOT ENOUGH? WHY ARE YOU WEARING THOSE CLOTHES!?** "
Scared and surprised, Adam looks at Eve and realizes that there's no use lying. Shaking and with his tremble voice, he answers the implacable deity:
"We-- We've just-- *We just updated our privacy policy*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5ttb/adam_and_eve_were_wandering_on_the_garden_of_eden/
%
Vladislav?

Baby don't hurt me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5sd3/vladislav/
%
Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5pkt/why_did_chuck_norris_aunt_give_birth_to_him/
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A curious little girl

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.  She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5mlq/a_curious_little_girl/
%
Theres Inhalin' and Exhalin', but theres Eddie's favorite...

...Van Halen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5hk3/theres_inhalin_and_exhalin_but_theres_eddies/
%
They say “Dress for the job you want.”

How do I dress like a blow job?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5g7r/they_say_dress_for_the_job_you_want/
%
Did you hear about the feminine hygiene spray SSY?

It takes the PU out of pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5e7q/did_you_hear_about_the_feminine_hygiene_spray_ssy/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m5dv2/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
%
Stiffy worm

A grandfather is watching his grandson playing in the yard and asks what is he doing.
The grandson says:
"I'm shoving the worms back into their hole."
"And how can you do it if the worm is all limp and flaccid?"
"It's a secret grandfather!"
"I'll give you 10 bucks if you teach me how to do it."
"Well, I'll spread some wood glue, stretch the worm, wait until it dries and stays hard and then just put it in the hole."
"Take your 10 bucks."
The next day the grandfather goes to the kid, takes $100 from his pocket and gives to the grandson.
"Grandfather, have you forgotten? You already gave me $10 yesterday."
"I know. Those $100 are from your grandmother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m588o/stiffy_worm/
%
Teleports behind you

We've updated our Privacy & Policy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m586b/teleports_behind_you/
%
What is weird, heinous and inefficient?

That ancient rule... "I before E, except after C."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m56hq/what_is_weird_heinous_and_inefficient/
%
Yo girl, let's do it like dial-up Internet;

real slow, with all kinds of fucked up noises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m51kh/yo_girl_lets_do_it_like_dialup_internet/
%
I've recently started bird watching.

Ive seen some Great Tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m4tj5/ive_recently_started_bird_watching/
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A man recently took an author to court after he was sold a book that only contained five words.

He received a short sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m4sz8/a_man_recently_took_an_author_to_court_after_he/
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If a virgin conceiving is called an immaculate conception...

Is a virgin catching venereal disease called an immaculate infection???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m4o23/if_a_virgin_conceiving_is_called_an_immaculate/
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I am disgusted by the youth of today....

Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend  is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant  was nothing short of vile.....comments like “PEADO” “NONCE” “KIDDY FIDDLER”
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m4llt/i_am_disgusted_by_the_youth_of_today/
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If everyone spells your sons name wrong...

Then you spelled your sons name wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m4fy8/if_everyone_spells_your_sons_name_wrong/
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Never arrest a guy with acne

They’re good at breaking out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m4efi/never_arrest_a_guy_with_acne/
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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of judo instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something! That was amazing!
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m4dt2/a_filthy_rich_florida_man_decided_that_he_wanted/
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A bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and.... cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear then answered. "I'm not sure, I was born with them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m4bt0/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_give_me_a/
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I always go for a run after sex

I don't want to get caught.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m48vo/i_always_go_for_a_run_after_sex/
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In front of a mental clinic, a patient was pulling a rope.

Doctor: why are you pulling that rope?
Patient: what do you want me to do, push it?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m48rp/in_front_of_a_mental_clinic_a_patient_was_pulling/
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Why won’t the mother deodorant let her daughter carry a bag?

Because she is an anti-purse-parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m42dt/why_wont_the_mother_deodorant_let_her_daughter/
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"Hi Doctor, I have a problem. I poop every morning at 7:00"..

Doctor: "So what's the problem with that?"
Patient: " I wake up at 9:00."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m420x/hi_doctor_i_have_a_problem_i_poop_every_morning/
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My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m41pu/my_son_came_home_as_i_was_taking_his_door_off_its/
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What instrument did the chemist play in the band?

The base guitar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m41ng/what_instrument_did_the_chemist_play_in_the_band/
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The lions decide to claim the land that is rightfully their own

"We have ruled over these creatures for long enough, we deserve to take ownership of their homes." The lions pondered, so decide to take action.
Firstly they met with the timid rabbits, and ask "Hello Mr and Mrs Rabbit, can we have your property?" And the rabbits curl in fear and exclaim "Of course! Just please don't hurt us!" Because with a mere request, rabbits will give a burrow.
The lions then move forward with their conquest to the monkeys, swinging above them, and the lions ask, "Hello Mr and Mrs Monkey, can we have your property?" And the monkeys confused say, "What? Of course not, this is our home, you can't just walk up here, ask for our land and just expect to just get it." And the lion smirks and begins to scrap rabbit meat out from his teeth and says, in a confident, condescending tone, "Well. . . It looks like we'll have to take it by force." The monkey sighs, accepting the fact that he can't defeat the lions in a brawl and gives up what he owns. Because maybe not with a mere request, but when push comes to shove, monkeys will give a tree.
Confident in their mission, the lions decide to finish their day with a visit to the beavers. The lions ask of them "Hello Mr and Mrs Beaver, can we have your property?" The beaver offended beyond belief yell "What did you just say?! Are you serious?! You want to claim our land?! Our homes?! Of course not! We build this! It isn't just a hole in the ground, or a sprout from the ground! We had to collect wood, and build this on a moving water source! Do you have any idea how difficult that is?!" The lions snarl before regaining composure, and while scraping monkey meat from their teeth say in that same confident, condescending tone, "Well. . . It looks like we'll have to take it by force." The beaver bares his large buck teeth at the beasts and slowly begins pacing towards them, "Go on then! Kill us! You'll have to! Because the only way you're getting our homes, is from our cool, dead beaver hands!" Because with a mere request, even when push comes to shove, beavers don't give a dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m3zlz/the_lions_decide_to_claim_the_land_that_is/
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I wish I was poor for one day

'cause being poor everyday suuuucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m3swy/i_wish_i_was_poor_for_one_day/
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Why couldn't the adopted child borrow his brother's trousers?

Because they didn't share jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m3q4v/why_couldnt_the_adopted_child_borrow_his_brothers/
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Your mom is so fat

Her memory foam mattress drinks to forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m3mq2/your_mom_is_so_fat/
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The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m3l5y/the_united_states_doesnt_use_torture_techniques/
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A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

It blew my mind, I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m3gdt/a_local_barber_in_my_area_just_got_arrested_for/
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I'm a big fan of overpopulation regulation.

The police prefer to call it "murder".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m3c3q/im_a_big_fan_of_overpopulation_regulation/
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How do start a rave in Ethiopia?

Staple a piece of toast to the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m3bt8/how_do_start_a_rave_in_ethiopia/
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I went over to r/narcolepsy to chat...

But nobody was online

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m39y9/i_went_over_to_rnarcolepsy_to_chat/
%
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Judging by your face, you hit pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m38n4/did_it_hurt_when_you_fell_from_heaven/
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Another Bar Story

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m3453/another_bar_story/
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If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend that nothing happened.

Noble Gases shouldn’t have a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m33kt/if_queen_elizabeth_farts_during_dinner_the_other/
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Snail with an attitude

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m32bt/snail_with_an_attitude/
%
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"
The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m30g7/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_give_me_a_beer/
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What's The Incredible Hulk's favourite London Underground station?

Turnham Green!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m2zrv/whats_the_incredible_hulks_favourite_london/
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What do hillbillies and sandwiches have in common?

They're in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m2y83/what_do_hillbillies_and_sandwiches_have_in_common/
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Wife: "Do these pants make my butt look big?"

Husband: "No, but your butt makes them pants look HUGE."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m2xd2/wife_do_these_pants_make_my_butt_look_big/
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one possitive thing about skipping school in america

not getting shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m2vxd/one_possitive_thing_about_skipping_school_in/
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A man told his friend he won an iPhone in a race.

The friend says "Oh, wow! How many people were in the race?"
and the man says "Just the policeman, the phone's owner and I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m2vcj/a_man_told_his_friend_he_won_an_iphone_in_a_race/
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Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I'm very determined.
Interviewer: OK, we'll let you know when we make our decision.
Me: Great! I'll just wait here then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m2qfe/interviewer_what_is_your_greatest_strength/
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A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce...

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he’d ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: ‘Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.’ As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, ‘And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.’ The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, ‘I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?’ ‘Canada, sir,’ the boy replied. ‘Well, why did you leave Canada?’ the manager asked. The boy said, ‘Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.’ ‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘My wife is from Canada.’ ‘No shit?’ replied the boy. ‘Who’d she play for?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m2orh/a_man_in_a_florida_supermarket_tried_to_buy_half/
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My friend was a violent serial killer...

Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m2nkb/my_friend_was_a_violent_serial_killer/
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So, a very muscular white man seems like he's drinking too much..

He's a regular at this bar, so the bartender, Jerry, knows him well. The man keeps pounding back shots, one after another.
"Come on Jerry, another one and I can run around the block."
Jerry pours another, and the man throws it back
"Man, just one more and I can run a whole marathon!"
Jerry pours another, and the man throws it back
"Jerry, a I'm feeling great. Just one last one and I think I can fly!
So, Jerry pours his last shot and he throws it back.
The man runs up to the roof, now with many spectators, jumps off amd flys away!
One black man was inspired by this.
So, this man does the same thing.
"Come on Jerry, another one and I can run around the block."
Jerry pours another, and the man throws it back
"Man, just one more and I can run a whole marathon!"
Jerry pours another, and the man throws it back
"Jerry, a I'm feeling great. Just one last one and I think I can fly!
So, Jerry pours his last shot and he throws it back.
So, the man goes to the roof, jumps and falls straight to the ground.
Jerry lets out a sigh. Calls 9 1 1 and tells them
"Supermans fucking with the black people again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m2luo/so_a_very_muscular_white_man_seems_like_hes/
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Tapeworm

A man goes to the doctor where it is determined he has a tapeworm.
The doctor says “every morning at 7am stick 2 soft boiled eggs up your butt, then a cookie.” The man hesitates, but he trusts the doctor. “And come back next week at 7am.”
The man shoved 2 eggs then a cookie up his butt for a week then shows up to the doctor’s. There is a knife and 2 eggs on the table.
The doctor has the man bend over and shoves two eggs up his butt and, holding the knife, he waits about a minute.
Out pops the tapeworm’s head “where the fuck is my cookie?” Chop!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m2l9j/tapeworm/
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If a tree falls in the woods and nobody's around to hear it

Does it still let everyone know it updated its privacy policy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m2e70/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_woods_and_nobodys_around/
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Three football fans were driving along when they

saw a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Chicago Bears hat over one breast. The second guy, a Tampa Bay Bucs fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Dallas Cowboys fan then placed his hat over the woman's vagina. Soon the police arrived. The cop started checking over the body. He picked up the Bears hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Bucs hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Dallas Cowboys hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the Cowboys fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?" The cop responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Dallas Cowboy hats, there's an asshole under it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m2baw/three_football_fans_were_driving_along_when_they/
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The last man on Earth was sitting alone in a room, when all of a sudden his phone rang...

“We’ve updated our privacy policy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m2a01/the_last_man_on_earth_was_sitting_alone_in_a_room/
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A poor man gets together with a rich man for christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes."
"Why are you getting her two gifts?" asks the poor man
"Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and an dildo.
"Why those two things?" asked the rich man.
"Well this way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f\*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m22js/a_poor_man_gets_together_with_a_rich_man_for/
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I got in trouble at work for suggesting Saloon Doors on the Gender Neutral Bathroom

I just wanted to show my support for swinging both ways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m21hx/i_got_in_trouble_at_work_for_suggesting_saloon/
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My dad always told me "you eat what you shoot"

I recently found out he meant hunting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m1vd0/my_dad_always_told_me_you_eat_what_you_shoot/
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Seppuku is a...

dying martial art.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m1ugw/seppuku_is_a/
%
I used to know everything there was to know about metal oxidation...

... but now I’m a bit rusty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m1skq/i_used_to_know_everything_there_was_to_know_about/
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I was in a job interview today.

The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$200 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m1s46/i_was_in_a_job_interview_today/
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What did the leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m1qi6/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_hooker/
%
Why did the cops hang out at the coffee shop?

In case somebody got mugged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m1pto/why_did_the_cops_hang_out_at_the_coffee_shop/
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What does a janitor yell when he jumps out of the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m1ia2/what_does_a_janitor_yell_when_he_jumps_out_of_the/
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If I had a dollar for every time I read a bad joke on Reddit

I'd be able to afford a better pass-time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m1i2h/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_read_a_bad/
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A new conspiracy theory states Priness Diana was actually on the radio shortly after the supposed accident that killed her.

And the windshield, and the dashboard...
^^^^I ^^^^made ^^^^myself ^^^^sad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m1hjm/a_new_conspiracy_theory_states_priness_diana_was/
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If I had a dollar

for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m1dp5/if_i_had_a_dollar/
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Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m1amv/why_do_social_justice_warriors_hate_dentists/
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Mrs. Sue, a teacher, is about to start her first class for the year when she notices quite a few empty chairs

She decides to start class when suddenly a boy walks in.
Mrs. Sue: You’re late. What is your name, and where have you been?
Billy: Sorry Mrs. Sue. I’m Billy, and I was on top of Cherry Hill.
Mrs. Sue dismissed him to sit down.
A few minutes later another boy walks in.
Mrs. Sue demands the same information from him.
John: Mrs. Sue, I’m John. I was on top of Cherry Hill also.
The class goes by and about three more boys come in giving the same excuse.
Finally, a few minutes before class is over a girl stumbles into class.
Mrs. Sue: Wow, you are very late. Class is almost over! What is your name young lady? And let me guess, you were on Cherry Hill also?
Girl: No mam. I was in the bathroom and my name is Cherry Hill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m19jt/mrs_sue_a_teacher_is_about_to_start_her_first/
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A snake walks into a bar.

The barkeeper asks, "How'd you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m19cu/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I went to the doctor and he told me "Don't eat anything fatty." I asked "No pizza? No burgers?!"

He replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m16oq/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_told_me_dont_eat/
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I can't even picture my favorite actor going to jail now.

But if he does, he'll have to change his name to Morgan Man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m169g/i_cant_even_picture_my_favorite_actor_going_to/
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New research shows, men who masturbate when over the age of 60, risk ending up in hospital.

It only takes one stroke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m1517/new_research_shows_men_who_masturbate_when_over/
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Why are New Yorker's sad?

The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m150j/why_are_new_yorkers_sad/
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Pope Francis came to visit the US…

He was to address the UN in the morning, and give mass at Madison Square Garden later that day.  After the UN address, the pope was given a chauffeur driven limo to get to MSG in time for the mass.  Leaving the UN, he ran into New York City bumper-to-bumper traffic, and was stuck with the time for mass fast approaching.
The pope is a very patient man, but he did not want to disappoint his many followers by being late to the mass.  After waiting in traffic for a period of time, he rolled down the privacy window and said to the limo driver, “I don’t want to be late for mass, I have driven many times in the Beunos Aires traffic, and know how to get around, why don’t you let me drive, and you sit here in the back.”
After protests from the limo driver, the pope finally convinced him to switch place, and got behind the wheel.
The pope immediately turned the wrong way up a one-way street, and drove up on the side walk, knocking over parking meters, scrambling pedestrians, but making good time to MSG.  He passed a police cruiser, who immediately turned on his lights and siren and pulled him over.
The police in driver’s seat got out of the car to investigate what was going on, while his partner in the passenger seat ran the license plate through the in-car computer.
The police man walked up to window, tapped on it, and asked for, “License and registration.”
The pope, in his flowing robe, rolled down the window and blessed the police officer, and drove off to complete his journey.
The police officer walked back to his car, and sat down without saying a word.
His partner asked, “Why did you just let him go?  Who was that, the Mayor, the Governor, the President???”
The first officer said, “I don’t know for sure who it was, but he has the pope driving him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m108k/pope_francis_came_to_visit_the_us/
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Morgan Freeman has been accused of sexual abuse.

He can’t play God anymore. Just a priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m0ys4/morgan_freeman_has_been_accused_of_sexual_abuse/
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Police in my town are looking for a crazy man. He was last seen trying to have sex with the laundry machine.

Nut screws washers and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m0xk3/police_in_my_town_are_looking_for_a_crazy_man_he/
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I walked into a shop. "I need a fence to stop people trespassing my land."

He said, "Wire fence?"
I said, "I just told you the reason."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m0x71/i_walked_into_a_shop_i_need_a_fence_to_stop/
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Where did Suzy go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m0tge/where_did_suzy_go_during_the_bombing/
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A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m0t1o/a_young_artist_exhibits_his_work_for_the_first/
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The dog ran off last night.

I spent 20 minutes in the park looking for him. The wife said I should try looking harder. So I shaved my head and got a tattoo, but I still can't find him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m0s19/the_dog_ran_off_last_night/
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I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?" she replied.
"No, the regular kind."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m0qu5/i_said_to_my_wife_i_need_to_call_the_doctor_today/
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I opened up a restaurant in my town.

That was the day I lost my job as a pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m0nxt/i_opened_up_a_restaurant_in_my_town/
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I tried to be a self-portrait painter.

But in the end it just wasn't me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m0nmj/i_tried_to_be_a_selfportrait_painter/
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I'm a member of the American Medical Association...

...AMA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m0n9h/im_a_member_of_the_american_medical_association/
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One day I'll pretend to be gay.

I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected ...
BAAM ! ! !
I'll fuck their boyfriends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m0kr0/one_day_ill_pretend_to_be_gay/
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What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m0k6n/whats_black_and_screams/
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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m0j03/i_dont_like_the_term_anal_bleaching/
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I'm going to a deodorant party this weekend...

Roll on Saturday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m0gha/im_going_to_a_deodorant_party_this_weekend/
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Let's take a moment to appreciate the fact that

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m08q4/lets_take_a_moment_to_appreciate_the_fact_that/
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Officer: I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck

Man: Yeah, but she's got a great personality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m07b7/officer_im_sorry_to_say_this_sir_but_it_looks/
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Why could Thor never find out where his brother was hiding?

Because his brother was Loki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m01r2/why_could_thor_never_find_out_where_his_brother/
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Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den...

Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den. While searching for a home he stumbled upon Fox putting the finishing touches on his. "Well well! This looks cozy, thanks for building me my new home Fox, now scram!" "B-b-but, that's not fair! I've spent weeks on this thing, you c-c-can't!" stammers Fox. "You should at least pay me some rent!"  "Rent? Hahahaha, rent my ass!", Bear laughs as he climbs in and get's ready for bed. "Now go away or I will I eat you." And with that, Bear curls up and goes to sleep.
A few months later, on the 1st day of spring, Bear woke groggily from his long sleep. The first thing he noticed was that his asshole was in pain. Looking back over his shoulder he sees Raccoon zipping up his pants! With an angry growl he grabbed Raccoon by the neck. "The fuck do you think you're doing???". Gasping, Raccoon squeeks " .... ahhhh, Fox said it was OK, I paid him five bucks to have a go." "WHAT?!" Bear roared, "that damn Fox! Well you stupid bastards shouldn't have waited so long, I ALWAYS wake up on the first day of spring." "I knew I should have come earlier," whimpered Raccoon, "but the line was always so long..."
*Thanks and appreciation to the folks over at r/joke_workshop, especially u/BorisOfMyr for livening up the dialog and smoothing out the joke entirely!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8m00my/winter_was_nearly_here_and_lazy_bear_hadnt_yet/
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I realised how perverted and wrong touching someone's butt is, but it was when i slapped a statue...

When i realised that i've hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lzzj7/i_realised_how_perverted_and_wrong_touching/
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My wife complains I use too much toilet paper and I should only use three sheets.

Now she complains that the bed linen stinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lzyrg/my_wife_complains_i_use_too_much_toilet_paper_and/
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One of the big themes in Sartre's philosophy is the idea of genuine choice versus just the appearance of having a choice.

So he can't meaningfully choose to have his coffee with no cream, because he could never have had it with cream to begin with, but he can meaningfully choose to have it with no milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lzxce/one_of_the_big_themes_in_sartres_philosophy_is/
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Did you hear about the guy who had a problem with his curly hair?

He decided to finally straighten things out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lzu39/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_had_a_problem_with/
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Where does Vin go after eating a really hot curry?

Da loo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lzsct/where_does_vin_go_after_eating_a_really_hot_curry/
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There was once a women who had 100 children...

Shameless stolen from a thread on /r/funny
____________________________________________________________________________________________
There once was a woman who had 100 children. She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving.
One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lzp7j/there_was_once_a_women_who_had_100_children/
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A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is laying in bed. The man exclaims “This is the pig I fuck when you don’t put out” His wife says “Are you drunk? That’s not a pig that’s a sheep”
The man replies “Shut up, I was talking to the sheep”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lzldq/a_man_walks_into_his_bedroom_with_a_sheep_under/
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TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

To be fair, most humans do not eat a lot of monkeys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lzkjk/til_humans_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
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What do you call a factory which sells passable products?

A satisfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lzgik/what_do_you_call_a_factory_which_sells_passable/
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A Turtle,Hippo, and Zebra are told to tell a joke to a Lion....

The Lion tells the three animals if he doesnt laugh at their jokes then he will kill them
The Turtle steps up and tells his joke, the Lion doesn't laugh, so he kills the Turtle
The Hippo, nervous, steps up and tells his joke, the Lion doesn't laugh, so he kills the Hippo
The Zebra, completely scared to death, steps up and tells his joke, the Lion bursts into uncontrollable laughter
"Did you really find my joke funny?"
The Lion responds, "No, I just finally got the joke the Turtle told me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lzduc/a_turtlehippo_and_zebra_are_told_to_tell_a_joke/
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What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit?

A humblebee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lzdf1/what_pollinated_most_of_the_worlds_crops_and/
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What do you get when you flip off a blind man, and cuss out a deaf man?

Fired from your nursing job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lzbz9/what_do_you_get_when_you_flip_off_a_blind_man_and/
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Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend

Because Sheeran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lzbp1/why_doesnt_ed_have_a_girlfriend/
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Football gave me traumatic brain injury

And I was only watching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lz8b5/football_gave_me_traumatic_brain_injury/
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Today i realised that Kung Fu Panda was actually a very progressive movie

Not only is the protagonist such a minority that he is literally an endangered species, he is also portrayed by a Black man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lz6hx/today_i_realised_that_kung_fu_panda_was_actually/
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lz4na/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
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The difference between Canadian and American men...

Back during WWII, an American GI met a Canadian soldier fighting along side him.  The two fought together throughout the war and both made it home safely.
After the war, the two returned to their respective homes and decided to marry their respective sweethearts.  The two became such good friends that they decided to honeymoon together in neighboring beach houses in Florida.
After arriving for their honeymoon, the two met outside and decided to make a gentleman's bet.  Whoever could make love to his wife more times that night would be the winner and have bragging rights.  The two agreed to meet the next morning on the beach to see who the winner was. They shook hands and returned to their new wives for a fun night.
Bright and early the next morning, the American emerged from his little cottage. He was exhausted, barely able to keep his eyes open! He trudged towards the beach, his footsteps dragging heavily through the sand.  As he neared the beach he collapsed to his knees, crawling the rest of the way.  With his last ounce of strength, he carved 3 dashes into the sand to let the Canadian soldier he had made it with his wife 3 times.  As he finished the last dash, he passed out.
A few minutes later, the Canadian soldier emerged. He had a big grin on his face and he was full of energy! He was skipping and doing cartwheels as he made his way down to the beach, eager to see how his American friend had fared.  He spied where his friend lied in the sand and dashed over to him. His eyes went wide as he saw the three dashes in the sand, slapping his hand to his forehead as he exclaimed, "One hundred and eleven!? Shucks, he beat me by five!"
And that's the difference between Canadian and American men! xD
Told to me by my \(Canadian\) grandfather years ago. Thanks grandpa \<3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lz0as/the_difference_between_canadian_and_american_men/
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Boudreaux picked Thibodeaux up for work every morning. One morning Thibodeaux didn't answer so Boudreaux left with out him. On his way out, he noticed Thibodeaux out in his cow pasture just standing there with his hands in his pockets.

On his way home from work Thibodeaux was in the same spot. Boudreaux didn't think much of it until the next morning. Thibodeaux didn't answer again so he went on down and there he was still in the middle of the pasture. This got the best of Boudreaux so he stopped to see what had gotten into his friend. "Hey Thibodeaux, you going to work bruh?" "Nah cuz, I'm retired."
"Retired!?" Boudreaux asked shocked.
"Mey oui, Boudreaux, I'm gonna win that there Nobel prize...it's a million dollars."
"How you plannin on gettin that Thibodeaux?" Boudreaux asked scratching his head.
"Well, turns out Boudreaux, the last fella that won it...they said he was outstandin' in his field."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lyyox/boudreaux_picked_thibodeaux_up_for_work_every/
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RIP boiling water

You will be mist...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lyu7m/rip_boiling_water/
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What's the difference between my wife and the refrigerator?

The fridge doesn't fart when I slide the meat out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lytvt/whats_the_difference_between_my_wife_and_the/
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A man applies for a job as a diesel fitter at a women's underwear factory. He asks his supervisor what the job entails.

The supervisor takes some underwear off the line, puts it on his head and says, "Deez'll fit 'er!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lyrtd/a_man_applies_for_a_job_as_a_diesel_fitter_at_a/
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Right before surgery, I asked my anesthetist whether I can administer the needle myself.

He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lylk1/right_before_surgery_i_asked_my_anesthetist/
%
A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road, with a pickup truck parked nearby.
He parked his car, opened the door, and looked at the animal, a grizzly bear, with some of its limbs chopped off. The police officer noticed a trail of blood leading into the woods, as well as a set of footsteps coming from the truck's door. Knowing that this hunting was unlawful in this forest, the police officer decided to investigate.
As he walked through the forest, following the trail of blood, the police officer noticed a fur\-covered pile, soaked in blood. It was another bear, with a few of its limbs missing. The police officer continued until he began to hear footsteps.
Through the trees he saw another man carrying a large sack, blood dripping from the bottom. The police officer ran in front of him, and pointed his gun directly at the man holding the sack.
"FREEZE!", he shouted, startling the man, who dropped the sack and put his arms up. There was a large paw sticking out of the top of the sack.
"Th\- th\- this is illegal!", the man replied, staring directly at the gun being pointed at him.
"Didn't you read the second amendment?", The police officer asked, taking out his handcuffs.
"Of course I read it!", the man replied, "In fact, I've been exercising my second amendment rights for the past few hours!"
"Tell that to the judge.", the police officer replied, "Now turn around."
"But the second amendment gives me the right to bear arms!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lyfe0/a_police_officer_was_driving_through_an_empty/
%
Why was 8 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lyeqs/why_was_8_afraid_of_7/
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The Admiral with only one ear..

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral.  However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lydu9/the_admiral_with_only_one_ear/
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Did you know Helen Keller had a roller coaster?

You didn’t? Neither did she

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lydpe/did_you_know_helen_keller_had_a_roller_coaster/
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A man walks into the library...

A man walks into the library and asks the librarian, “I’m looking for a book for men who have small penises.”
The librarian looks on her computer and then replies to the man, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”
The man goes, “That’s the one!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lydkd/a_man_walks_into_the_library/
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A Texan in Scotland

A Texan is touring Europe and he ends up in a Scottish pub sitting across from an older Scotsman. As Texans tend to do, he starts bragging about how big everything is in Texas.
“Down on my ranch outside Dallas, I can walk out my front door at sunrise, get in my big ol’ Cadillac, start ‘er on up, put my boot flat down on the gas, and when the sun goes down, I still ain’t reached my front gates.”
The Scotsman takes a big swing of his stout, and says,
“Ach, aye. I had a car like that once, too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ly79o/a_texan_in_scotland/
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To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ly5i5/to_this_day_my_bully_that_used_to_bully_me_at/
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What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag sure is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ly29h/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
My girlfriend told me that if I kept saying Oasis lyrics, she would leave.

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lxwkv/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_if_i_kept_saying_oasis/
%
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…

What a horrible way to start a game of Scrabble...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lxtfs/i_was_given_mdma_and_lsd_tonight/
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Franks wife was going away...

She told him to put on a clean pair of socks everyday,
After 7 days he couldn't fit his shoes on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lxse2/franks_wife_was_going_away/
%
In the Old West

, a man robbed a bank in El Paso and rode south. The sheriff quickly formed a posse and they captured him in a small cantina near the Mexican border, but he didn’t have the money. The sheriff decided to interrogate him, but the robber only spoke Spanish, so they got the bartender to translate.
Sheriff, through translator: "Where's the money?"
Bank robber, through translator: “I’ll never tell you."
The sheriff puts his revolver to the bank robber’s head. “Now, tell me where the money is!”
Bank robber (in Spanish): “I hid it under the bridge south of town!”
Translator: “He says he's not afraid to die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lxnf3/in_the_old_west/
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3 Men on a bench

At lunch one day, Tom, Dick and Harry are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a man comes up and disrobes in front of them.
Tom was so shocked, he had a stroke.
Dick was equally shocked and HE had a stroke.
Harry, being a little older and a little more feeble than the other two... he couldn’t reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lxl8k/3_men_on_a_bench/
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I was at the bar chatting up a physics major

I said: "Are you gravity, 'cause I find you very attractive?"
I was surprised when she said she didn't like fat jokes. All I did was say she's attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lxko7/i_was_at_the_bar_chatting_up_a_physics_major/
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Costume party

Host: what are you?
Me: a harp
Host: your costume’s too small to be a harp!
Me: are you calling me a lyre?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lxijg/costume_party/
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Dig Bick

A rumor was floating around a school about the sophomore moron; Johnny, regarding his junk. Apparently Johnny was packing enough heat to put a horse to shame.
Recent divorcee and history teacher Miss Stevens caught wind of these rumors in the staff room one day and made it her personal mission to trick the young man into performing sexual intercourse with her.
During the last class of the day, which coincidentally happened to be history, as soon as the bell rang for dismissal, Miss Stevens calls out to the class;
"Alright students, make sure your homework is finished for third period tomorrow. Johnny please stay back, I need to have a word with you."
With the classroom now empty except for Miss Stevens and Johnny, she motions him to approach her desk. Knowing how simple Johnny is, she doesn't beat around the bush.
"Look Johnny, I'm going to be honest with you. There is a rumor going around the school that you have a huge dick. Is this true?"
Johnny nonchalantly replies;
"Yes mam, that is true."
Miss Stevens then with a smile, pulls up her skirt and points to her vagina;
"Alright Johnny, I want you to put your penis into here."
Johnny frowns and replies;
"Sorry Miss Stevens, my dad told me those things have teeth."
Miss Stevens, undeterred produces a wooden broom handle from the maintenance cupboard in the classroom and begins stimulating herself with it, she lets out a fart accidentally but plays it off like nothing happened. She takes the broom handle out, shows Johnny that there aren't any teeth marks on the broom handle;
"See Johnny, your dad was lying to you, they don't have teeth, you have nothing to worry about."
Johnny now has a terrified expression on his face and replies;
"If it growled at a piece of wood, I can only imagine what it would do to human flesh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lxcu9/dig_bick/
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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."
So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either, but I'd really like someone to use fascinate."
Little Johnny had his hand waving the whole time, and the teacher knew he's usually naughty but how could he mess up the word fascinate, so she called on him.
"My Aunt Jenny always wears a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten 8!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lxb1m/a_teacher_asks_her_students_to_use_the_word/
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What do you call a rabbit jester?

A harelequin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lx908/what_do_you_call_a_rabbit_jester/
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What do you call twin squids?

Itentacle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lx6g2/what_do_you_call_twin_squids/
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A repost walks into a bar

The bartender from r/jokes asks, "Is this a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lx5ab/a_repost_walks_into_a_bar/
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Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…

Where the f*ck is my roof?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lx3ib/last_night_in_bed_i_was_gazing_up_at_the_stars/
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Why did the cops arrest the cannibal for dumping his girlfriend in public without knowing he was a one?

Public defecation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lx19p/why_did_the_cops_arrest_the_cannibal_for_dumping/
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I once had sex with a girl who had an 89° vagina

She really had acute pussy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lx15o/i_once_had_sex_with_a_girl_who_had_an_89_vagina/
%
What did the left arse cheek say to the right arse cheek?

If we stick together, we can stop all this shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lx0um/what_did_the_left_arse_cheek_say_to_the_right/
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At work they treat me like a mushroom.

They feed me shit and keep me in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lwyxr/at_work_they_treat_me_like_a_mushroom/
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One psychic ruins the joke

Two psychics walk into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lwv8p/one_psychic_ruins_the_joke/
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My girlfriend like the square root of -100

A solid 10 but imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lwuvo/my_girlfriend_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
Women are easy to read.

For the record, I prefer the Braille version.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lwoug/women_are_easy_to_read/
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A sex therapist is speaking to a group of married men.

At the start of his lecture he has all the men stand up
He asks, "All the men who have sex more than once a week please sit down".  About half the men sit.
The he says, "OK, now all the men who have sex more than once a month please sit down".  At this point, there is only one man left standing.  He has a big smile on his face.
The therapist asks the last man standing, " how often do you have sex?"
Still grinning, the man says "Once a year"
The therapist is surprised and says, "Once a year???, why are you grinning"
The man replies, "Tonight's the night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lwosd/a_sex_therapist_is_speaking_to_a_group_of_married/
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My parents told me to work until my bank balance looked like a phone number

I’m happy to say that I’ve achieved my goal, and am retiring with $911.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lwm6m/my_parents_told_me_to_work_until_my_bank_balance/
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What's the difference between Flea and Trump?

One's a Rich-ass Bassist....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lwfr0/whats_the_difference_between_flea_and_trump/
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What does a dalek do in the shower

*ex-fo-li-ate*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lwem5/what_does_a_dalek_do_in_the_shower/
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Yeterday I found 20$ on the street on my way home. As a good cristian I thought “What would Jesus do”…

… so I turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lw9jy/yeterday_i_found_20_on_the_street_on_my_way_home/
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Whats Hitlers favorite animal?

Adolfin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lvzgw/whats_hitlers_favorite_animal/
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What do you call an arachnid that moonlights in espionage?

A SPYder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lvxpp/what_do_you_call_an_arachnid_that_moonlights_in/
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The entire Slytherin staff is getting laid off soon

I hear they're getting a good Severus package.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lvwgr/the_entire_slytherin_staff_is_getting_laid_off/
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If I had a pound for every email I got about data protection...

Well that's private

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lvsar/if_i_had_a_pound_for_every_email_i_got_about_data/
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So a man walks into a bar with a gun

He yells : “Which one of you twats nailed my wife ?!” as he cocks his gun.
The whole place goes silent.
Suddenly, at the end of the bar, someone suddenly stands up and yells :
“You don’t have enough bullets mate !”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lvs7m/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_gun/
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A father is yelling at his daughter's boyfriend for taking her. virginity

The boyfriend replies: Sorry, it won't happen again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lvr26/a_father_is_yelling_at_his_daughters_boyfriend/
%
What kind of car does Scooby Doo drive?

A Scoobaru

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lvn5w/what_kind_of_car_does_scooby_doo_drive/
%
I bought a new lawn mower for my landscaping company

Mine just wasn't cutting it.
I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lvn3p/i_bought_a_new_lawn_mower_for_my_landscaping/
%
As a fat, single, 40 year old man, I've been to alot of strip clubs.

Too bad I haven't made much money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lvkyg/as_a_fat_single_40_year_old_man_ive_been_to_alot/
%
I told my therapist about my compulsion to methodically disrupt live musical performances.

She said, “That’s disconcerting.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lvh9r/i_told_my_therapist_about_my_compulsion_to/
%
A man and a woman find themselves alone in a sleeper carriage

The man gallantly takes the upper bunk as they settle down for the train journey.
After a while the man feels a bit cold and asks the woman if she can pass up an extra blanket.
The woman thinks for a while and says in her sexiest voice 'why don't we pretend we are husband and wife for the night?'
After some reflection the man replies 'ok, yes, let's do that. Let's pretend we're husband and wife !'.
'In that case' replies the woman 'get your own fucking blanket you lazy bastard'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lvd6g/a_man_and_a_woman_find_themselves_alone_in_a/
%
What’s the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

Trump doesn’t have a video of a garbanzo beaning on his face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lvczl/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
%
Have you heard the news about the sidewalks?

It's all over town!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lvcnh/have_you_heard_the_news_about_the_sidewalks/
%
I bought a grenade today...

Things went terribly wrong when the cashier asked me for my PIN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lvbl7/i_bought_a_grenade_today/
%
I had a prostate exam the other day...

When I entered the examination room and asked the doctor where I should put my trousers, I have to say, "over there with mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lv8wi/i_had_a_prostate_exam_the_other_day/
%
I high-fived Saddam Hussein

Didn't want to leave him hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lv7y4/i_highfived_saddam_hussein/
%
Light doesn’t travel faster than sound.

The guy in the BMW behind me always honks before the light turns green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lv5uf/light_doesnt_travel_faster_than_sound/
%
A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string

And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want."
She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why.
He replies,
"My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE's the motherfucker who ran over my frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lv15x/a_kid_is_walking_down_the_street_with_a_jar_of/
%
I ain't saying she's a gold digger. . .

But you don't buy a pickaxe and mining helmet on a whim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lv0ab/i_aint_saying_shes_a_gold_digger/
%
Two men are standing in line in Russia

One says to the other "What is this line for?"
"Toilet paper" his friend replies.
"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."
He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"
"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8luugv/two_men_are_standing_in_line_in_russia/
%
Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes...

Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes and after mourning for some time, they begin to talk about what they plan to do with their lover's ashes.
The first widow says, "John was very outdoorsman, enjoyed hiking, rock climbing and nature, so I'm going to spread his ashes off the top of a mountain." The other two widows comment on the sincerety of the gesture.
The second widow states, "Adam loved the ocean, from surfing in his youth, to scuba diving, and deep sea fishing, so I'm going to spread his ashes over some coral reef." Again the other widows find this very sweet.
The attention comes to the third widow and out of desperation she says, "Bob didn't like to do really much of anything than to make love, so I think I'm going to spread his ashes in some chilli so he can tear my ass up one last time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8luted/three_widows_are_at_a_crematory_collecting_their/
%
Man goes to get a prostate exam.

As the man is bent over during the exam, the doctor says "you know, there's no need to feel embarrassed, it's pretty common to get an erection during this procedure."
The man says "I don't have an erection!".
The doctor whispers, "I do!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lusr6/man_goes_to_get_a_prostate_exam/
%
I used my opposite hand with the kitchen sink sprayer hose

felt like someone else was doing the dishes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lup9b/i_used_my_opposite_hand_with_the_kitchen_sink/
%
I asked my wife if she wanted to play the rape game.

"No. Never." she squealed.
I grinned at her and replied, "That's the spirit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lun0y/i_asked_my_wife_if_she_wanted_to_play_the_rape/
%
You know you might have a drinking problem...

When you go to the doctor and he informs you that they found traces of blood in your alcohol stream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8luldd/you_know_you_might_have_a_drinking_problem/
%
A boy in first grade runs to his father after school

and says "I was able to count to ten today Dad! And all the other children could only count to five".
The Dad replies, "Very good son, that's because you're my special little boy"
The next day the boy comes out and says, "Dad! I was able to say the whole alphabet today and all the other children could only say half of it!"
The Dad replies "Very good son, thats because you're my special little boy"
The next day the boy comes out of school and says to his Dad, "I was in the changing rooms today and I noticed that my weiner is much bigger than all the other boys' weiners"
The Dad looks at his son for a moment, before telling him "That's because you're 40, son"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lukup/a_boy_in_first_grade_runs_to_his_father_after/
%
Where do you find a dog without legs?

Right where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8luifh/where_do_you_find_a_dog_without_legs/
%
Last night me and my wife watched 3 movies back to back.

Fortunately, I was the one facing the TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lug3q/last_night_me_and_my_wife_watched_3_movies_back/
%
How do they answer the phone at the burn center?

Aloe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lu9oe/how_do_they_answer_the_phone_at_the_burn_center/
%
A fire broke out in a circus

it was in-tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lu9i3/a_fire_broke_out_in_a_circus/
%
They are always backwards

Why are time travel jokes bad?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lu8u6/they_are_always_backwards/
%
I bet my buddy a beer I could make the bar tender laugh with one of my 10 best jokes.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lu53h/i_bet_my_buddy_a_beer_i_could_make_the_bar_tender/
%
I did a few fashion shoots with Marillion in the ‘80s.

It was very easy work... like shooting Fish in apparel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lu4rg/i_did_a_few_fashion_shoots_with_marillion_in_the/
%
Whats the difference between an old bus station and a crab with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lu2xm/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_station/
%
I asked my Jewish friend if I could borrow $5

He said, “$4? What do you need $3 for?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lu1yq/i_asked_my_jewish_friend_if_i_could_borrow_5/
%
A farmer named paddy

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.  “'Didn't you say to the
police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'” asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded, “Well, I'll tell you what happened.  I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... “
“I didn't ask for any details”, the solicitor interrupted.  “Just answer the question.  Did you not say,
at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'”
Paddy said, “Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... “
The solicitor interrupted again and said, ”Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene
of the accident this man told the police that he was fine.  Now several weeks after the accident, he is
trying to sue my client.  I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question. “
By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor, “I'd like to hear what
he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie.”
Paddy thanked the judge and proceeded.  “Well, as I was sayin’, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into
de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop
sign and hit me trailer right in da side.  I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder.  By Jaysus,
I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin’.  I knew
she was in terrible pain just by her groans.”
“Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.  He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too,
so he went over to her.  After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.”
“Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'  Now, wot
da fock would you say?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lu12t/a_farmer_named_paddy/
%
My brother is turning 32 tomorrow, so I told him not to get his hopes up.

When he asked why, I replied:
"Well, it'll be pretty short. It is your thirty-second birthday after all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lu0fp/my_brother_is_turning_32_tomorrow_so_i_told_him/
%
What do you call a 3,14m long sea thief

A  πrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lu0d1/what_do_you_call_a_314m_long_sea_thief/
%
I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.
Then I painted my computer white so it would work.
Now the whole system is corrupt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ltvli/i_painted_my_computer_black_so_it_would_run_faster/
%
A paranoid husband goes to an assassin

The assassin charges 10k per bullet
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"That's me."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with some guy she met at the gym. They're at some hotel downtown together right now."
"Sounds good, lets go." the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the hotel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 4. I want you to shoot her in the head, then I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold up buddy. I think I can save you ten grand"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ltsi0/a_paranoid_husband_goes_to_an_assassin/
%
Is Mommy Near the Phone?

The phone rings, a little girl picks up.
“Hello?”
“Hi honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?”
“No daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Mike.”
After a brief pause, the father says, “But honey, you haven’t got an uncle Mike.”
“Oh yes I do, he’s upstairs with mommy right now!”
Another brief pause, “Uh, okay then. This is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Shout to mommy that daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
The little girl complies and returns to the phone a few moments later.
“I did it Daddy!”
“And what happened honey?”
“Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed and ran around screaming! Then she tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my god!!! What about your uncle Mike?”
“He got scared and jumped out of bed too, except he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool! I guess he didn’t know you took all the water out last week, he hit the bottom and now he’s not moving either!”
Now, a long pause.
“...... swimming pool? Is this 555-5731?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ltryo/is_mommy_near_the_phone/
%
What's the difference between a good joke

Timing.
And a bad one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ltqzz/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke/
%
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ?
The logician replies: "yes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ltncs/a_logicians_wife_is_having_a_baby_the_doctor/
%
What do you call a transgender vegan?

A herbefore.
P.S
Thank you to the redditor that pointed out the mistake I made the first time round. I do know the difference...honest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ltmk4/what_do_you_call_a_transgender_vegan/
%
Lobsters

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.
"We're sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O’ Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’ Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ltj1w/lobsters/
%
Bob has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day, he confessed to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer....

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bob vows to overcome his rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bob returns home, absolutely ashen. “What’s wrong, Bob?” His wife asks..
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God Bob, what happened?”
“I got fired”, he says.
“No Bob, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um....she got fired too”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lteei/bob_has_worked_in_a_pickle_factory_for_several/
%
Wow, they finally made a movie about my sex life!

Solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ltbgp/wow_they_finally_made_a_movie_about_my_sex_life/
%
Why's the leader of Russia always late?

Is trick question.  If Comerade Stalin appears late, it is only because we were early.  All glory to mother Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lt6oz/whys_the_leader_of_russia_always_late/
%
A few years ago I freed a Genie and he gave me two options. A better memory or a longer dick.

I still can't remember what I chose though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lt4h6/a_few_years_ago_i_freed_a_genie_and_he_gave_me/
%
What has 4 fingers, a thumb, and is not your hand?

My hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lt4aj/what_has_4_fingers_a_thumb_and_is_not_your_hand/
%
What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lt3o1/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a/
%
I had plans to get together with a buddy of mine who's a clock hobbyist, but he never showed up.

When I asked him where he was he said he was busy binge watching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lt1vm/i_had_plans_to_get_together_with_a_buddy_of_mine/
%
My friends have ignored me ever since ive gotten circumcised.

They cut me off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lt1pq/my_friends_have_ignored_me_ever_since_ive_gotten/
%
What's the difference between an onion and a vegetable?

You cry when you chop up an onion. The rest of the family cries when you chop up a vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lt0i8/whats_the_difference_between_an_onion_and_a/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lsyvt/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
In the U.S. masturbation is the only thing that isn't taxed, regulated or controlled by the government..

It's their way of saying feel free to go fuck yourself..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lsyjt/in_the_us_masturbation_is_the_only_thing_that/
%
Creation of humans

Friend: How were humans created?
Me: It all started with the big bang, and some other bangs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lswjw/creation_of_humans/
%
Have you ever smelled mothballs before?

How'd you get those tiny little legs apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lsvca/have_you_ever_smelled_mothballs_before/
%
What do you call a homosexual Muslim plant?

Al-gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lstk5/what_do_you_call_a_homosexual_muslim_plant/
%
Prayer has no place in the public schools

just like facts have no place in organized religion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lsozp/prayer_has_no_place_in_the_public_schools/
%
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lso1u/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_hell_fly_for_a_day/
%
A jewish mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband

"Does he hit you", she asked.
"No Ma."
"Does he cheat on you?"
"No Ma."
"Does he lose his money?"
"No Ma."
"You have a beautiful house, luxary cars, your clothes are the finest quality, you have staffs to take care of your domestic chores. What does he do wrong?"
"It's the anal sex ma. He likes the anal sex."
"And what's so bad about that?"
"It's terrible ma. Always with the anal sex. When we got married my butthole was the size of a dime, now it's the size of a quarter. It's just terrible."
"It seems like you are giving up an awful lot just for 15 cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lsmi7/a_jewish_mother_was_horrified_to_find_out_her/
%
A newly wed couple have be living together for a few months.

Every morning the guy wakes up and lets out a long loud fart.
The wife says, “one morning when you wake up you are going to blow out your insides.”
A few months later it’s thanksgiving and the wife is prepping the turkey. With a smirk on her face she takes the turkey guts and goes to the bedroom. Carefully puts it all in her husbands shorts.
A few minutes later she hears him scream like a little girl. 30 min later he shows up in the kitchen. Says, “well hun, you were right. But thanks to vaseline and these two fingers i got it all back in!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lsj85/a_newly_wed_couple_have_be_living_together_for_a/
%
Why doesn't the mafia like elephants?

Bodies don't fit in the trunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lsh8s/why_doesnt_the_mafia_like_elephants/
%
It's actually really easy to quit smoking.

I've done it plenty of times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lsgk2/its_actually_really_easy_to_quit_smoking/
%
An old one, but I've never seen it on this sub...

A man is brought before an American court on charges that he killed and ate a bald eagle.  "This is a serious crime," says the judge.  "What do you have to say in your defense?"
"Your honor, please!" the man begs, "Have some mercy on me.  I was trapped in the wilderness for days.  I stumbled upon one of these birds that had fallen out of its nest and broken its wing.  The eagle was going to die anyways, and I needed to save my own life.  I killed it quickly, to put it out of its misery and got enough strength from the meat to stay alive until I was rescued.  This was a life-or-death situation for me -- what else could I have done?"
After solemnly considering the situation, the judge responds, "Given the circumstances, I think we can pardon you for this offence.  However, just out of personal curiosity, what does a bald eagle taste like?"
"Well, it's kind of like a cross between California condor and komodo dragon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lsg7m/an_old_one_but_ive_never_seen_it_on_this_sub/
%
I'm thinking about starting a business that recycles discarded chewing gum...

I just need help getting it off the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lsg7k/im_thinking_about_starting_a_business_that/
%
What did the one fart say to the other

Just passing through

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lsf62/what_did_the_one_fart_say_to_the_other/
%
[Long]US Navy Retirement Bonus[NSFW]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lsdlo/longus_navy_retirement_bonusnsfw/
%
The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel...

They named the French cat "un deux trois cat" and the British, "one two three cat."
Which cat made it across first?
The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux trois cat cinq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lsdh2/the_french_and_the_british_decided_to_have_two/
%
I used to think I was a hypochondriac...

Till my shrink told me it was all in my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ls95g/i_used_to_think_i_was_a_hypochondriac/
%
The guys at the gym called me a fat loser ...

It's really great how they notice my effort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ls93l/the_guys_at_the_gym_called_me_a_fat_loser/
%
90 year old farmer wants a loan.

He goes to the banker for the loan to buy land. The banker has some concerns due to the old codgers age.
"What happens if you die before the loan is paid off?" The banker asks.
"I'll send you a check from heavan, because God would want all my obligations taken care of," The old farmer answered.
"But what if you go the other direction?" the banker queried.
"Then I'll deliver it to you in person."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ls70k/90_year_old_farmer_wants_a_loan/
%
Why is the lighting in Chinese restaurants so inconsistent?

Because they dim sum...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ls4jt/why_is_the_lighting_in_chinese_restaurants_so/
%
A husband and wife have just had their first child

After about a month, the couple gets their bill from the hospital. They are shocked to find out the bill is $67,000, and they have no idea how they're going to pay. Among all the line items is a $9,000 charge for something marked only as "Love", which both the husband and the wife are confused about.
They do some research online, and find out that if you call the hospital, sometimes they'll lower your bill if you can prove that you have Financial hardships. The wife calls the hospital, since the insurance is in her name. After about 3 hours of being on hold and speaking to people in billing, she come out of their home office and talks to her husband, who is slightly distracted by playing video games.
She says "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, I was able to get them to reduce our bill to $17,000. The bad news is, there's nothing they can do about that $9,000 charge for "Love". I did find out what it was all about, though, apparently that's the label that they give to their charge for an epidural."
The husband, who's only been half listening, says "Wait, I think I missed something.  What is "Love"?"
To which the wife replies "So baby don't hurt me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ls42y/a_husband_and_wife_have_just_had_their_first_child/
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I've got a book coming out soon.

Shouldn't have eaten it, really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ls3jt/ive_got_a_book_coming_out_soon/
%
What did the Arab Nations say when Iran blockaded the Strait of Hormuz?

OMAN...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ls1f8/what_did_the_arab_nations_say_when_iran_blockaded/
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Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence...

...watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is doing. Johnnie replies, "I'm watching that bull fuck the black cow." The preacher, aghast at the language, tells Johnnie that he should say that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow.Johnnie says, "OK." and the preacher leaves.The next day, after church, the preacher is shaking hands with all the parishioners as they leave. When Johnnie appears with his parents, the preacher kneels down, smiles, and says, "So, Johnnie, did the bull SURPRISE the black cow?"
Johnnie replies, "He sure did! He fucked the white one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lrz8s/little_johnnie_is_sitting_on_the_fence/
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Historically, the Inuit are one of the few groups of people who never lose their temper. After decades of research, scientists were able to figure out why...

They’re nomads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lrsaz/historically_the_inuit_are_one_of_the_few_groups/
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My Wife's birthday

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! moron!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lrsax/my_wifes_birthday/
%
I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

Dear Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lrrc6/i_was_passing_by_my_sons_bedroom_and_was/
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At the height of the Cold War...

At the height of the Cold War, a landmark summit was convened with leaders from every province within the Soviet Union. The representatives arrived very early but the meeting was still delayed. Why?
They were all Russian, but one was Stalin
Note: made this up after being inspired by a recent joke on here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lrqz8/at_the_height_of_the_cold_war/
%
What does a gender-ambiguous robot identify as?

Non\-binary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lrp8u/what_does_a_genderambiguous_robot_identify_as/
%
Did you hear about the Proctologist with PTSD?

He's seen some shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lroqe/did_you_hear_about_the_proctologist_with_ptsd/
%
I want to get weighed.

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 130 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 110 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Wauwa, it was wousy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lrohg/i_want_to_get_weighed/
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What do you call a condom that is shared by several people?

A condominium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lrn4x/what_do_you_call_a_condom_that_is_shared_by/
%
I was asked, “Tits man or ass man?”

I really wish I had gotten there earlier when they were giving out super hero names...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lrmk0/i_was_asked_tits_man_or_ass_man/
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I'm a huge fan of self-deprecating humor...

Maybe its because I'm a piece of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lrmfq/im_a_huge_fan_of_selfdeprecating_humor/
%
"What's your favourite dad joke?" asked my friend.

"I don't have one," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lrm5e/whats_your_favourite_dad_joke_asked_my_friend/
%
My friend thinks I'm weird because I collect soil from where we sat and got high.

He seems pretty pissed, but I've taken the high ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lrjx8/my_friend_thinks_im_weird_because_i_collect_soil/
%
a policeman chasing three idiots

He corner them in a farm where they hid in sacks. The policeman sees the sacks and immediately realized they were hiding in them. He gave the first sack a nudge and the idiot goes "quack quack", same with the second sack and the idiot goes "Meow", the last one is silent, the policeman gave the sack another nudge, nothing. He started to doubt himself, so he kicks the sack in a desperate attempt, to which the idiot answered angrily "I'm a f***ing sack of potatoes, what the f*** am I supposed to say ?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lrhh3/a_policeman_chasing_three_idiots/
%
My wife has been working out a lot lately.

For example today she worked out I've been fucking her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lrf4u/my_wife_has_been_working_out_a_lot_lately/
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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you and I will find you

You have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lreeb/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i/
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People treat me like god...

They ignore my existence unless they need something from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lr90m/people_treat_me_like_god/
%
I went to see a prostitute yesterday. I didn't have an appointment...

...but fortunately she was able to fit me in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqxxx/i_went_to_see_a_prostitute_yesterday_i_didnt_have/
%
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.

What a nice jester!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqxw4/yesterday_a_clown_held_the_door_open_for_me/
%
What do jews and shoes have in common?

There are more in 39 than in 45

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqwwv/what_do_jews_and_shoes_have_in_common/
%
I opened my cereal box today for breakfast

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqumi/i_opened_my_cereal_box_today_for_breakfast/
%
I'm picky about who I accept handjobs from.

Some people just rub me the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lquc3/im_picky_about_who_i_accept_handjobs_from/
%
Knock knock

"Who's there?"
"Dave"
"Dave who?"....
Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandma's Alzheimer's tears his whole family apart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqu4q/knock_knock/
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I have realized what I need to do to put an end to procrastination.

So I'm gonna do that tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqtxl/i_have_realized_what_i_need_to_do_to_put_an_end/
%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive..

Try missing a couple of payments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqsqm/if_you_think_nobody_cares_if_youre_alive/
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I recently came down with Matthew Mcconaughey's disease

Don't worry, I'm alright alright alright now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqquf/i_recently_came_down_with_matthew_mcconaugheys/
%
My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident
Me: Say no more
LATER
Detective: It looks like the killer used a crowbar to beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqqk3/my_girlfriend_wanted_a_favor_from_me/
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Studies show that 80% of redditors suffer from diarrhea at some point in life

Then why are the rest enjoying it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqfl0/studies_show_that_80_of_redditors_suffer_from/
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I asked my boss if I could have time off work because I was having a baby

When I came back the boss asked “So was it a boy or a girl?”
I said “I don’t know, I’ll tell you in 9 months”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqeq4/i_asked_my_boss_if_i_could_have_time_off_work/
%
"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing

except at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqe97/im_sorry_and_i_apologise_mean_the_same_thing/
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A guy walks up to the counter and says, "Burger and Fries, please".

Certainly Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"F@ck off, you c*nt." he snaps, before walking off with his food.
I love working in a prison kitchen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqdwh/a_guy_walks_up_to_the_counter_and_says_burger_and/
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Interviewer: and what do you see yourself doing 5 years down the road Mr. Jones?

Mr. Jones: Personally, I believe my biggest weakness is listening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqdvo/interviewer_and_what_do_you_see_yourself_doing_5/
%
What is the difference between light and hard?

I can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqdr1/what_is_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
8 out of 10 people are fucking idiots

2 out of 10 people aren't fucking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lqcxb/8_out_of_10_people_are_fucking_idiots/
%
What’s another name for a smart ass?

A wise crack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lq9vq/whats_another_name_for_a_smart_ass/
%
Is it possible to have the word ‘and’ five times in a row in an English sentence, while still being grammatically correct?

A man had just bought a pub, The Fox and Hound, and wanted a big new sign for it outside, so that potential customers would know that it was under new management and come a try it out.
So, he contracted a sign-maker to make the sign for him. A week later, the sign-maker came back to him with the design for the sign.
The pub owner said: “I like it! I like the colours and the font and the minimalistic style, but there’s too much space between ‘Fox’ and ‘and’ and ‘and’ and ‘Hound’. Could you fix it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lq92x/is_it_possible_to_have_the_word_and_five_times_in/
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So I was dating this one blonde girl and decided that I was going to tan

So I was dating this blonde girl and decided that I was going to tan before we went to dinner that night. So I got out on my roof,fully nude, and laid out. While laying on my back, I accidentally fell asleep on the roof, causing me to get a BAD sunburn everywhere including my pecker. However, I didn’t want to ruin the night so I lathered on some aloe Vera, wrapped my man parts up with gauze and went to dinner. After dinner we went back to my place to watch a movie. While watching the movie my jewels became very uncomfortable, so I excused myself and went into the kitchen, poured a big ole glass of milk and soaked my pecker in it. Right as I put it in the milk my girlfriend walked around the corner, saw me with my willie in milk, and said “Oh! That’s how you refill those things!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lq7vs/so_i_was_dating_this_one_blonde_girl_and_decided/
%
A Catholic Priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Baptist Preacher are out for a round of golf...

The Rabbi shanks one into the water hazard and they walk down to retrieve it. As they’re looking for the last ball together, they spot something reflecting the sun from under the water. One of them picks up what appears to be a glass jar, FILLED with gold coins!
Soon they have realized that they are holding 10’s of thousands of dollars worth of gold coins. As they sat on the ground, the Baptist preacher said, “Men, God has been good to us, but we need to make sure we share this wealth with the less fortunate. I propose that we draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we say it’s God’s and we give it to charity." The Catholic priest replies "Yes brother, but I have different suggestion, how about we draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands *outside*of the circle, that's what we'll say is God’s and give *that*  to charity." The Rabbi responds,  "I have a better idea- we throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lq50k/a_catholic_priest_a_jewish_rabbi_and_a_baptist/
%
The lesbian couple next door asked me what I wanted for my birthday, so I told them.

It was very nice of them to get me a Rolex, but I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lq4ux/the_lesbian_couple_next_door_asked_me_what_i/
%
I really hate the E minor key.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lq2l2/i_really_hate_the_e_minor_key/
%
The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lpvrg/the_thief_that_stole_my_diary_and_my_bible_died/
%
My Buddies bakery burnt down last night....

His business is toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lpul5/my_buddies_bakery_burnt_down_last_night/
%
A young librarian is amazed during his first day of work to see a chicken stride imto the library with a armful of books

The chicken walks up to him and deposits the books on the desk. Apart from a little pod weed on one of the covers, they are all in lending period, in fact, they had only been issued the previous day.
The chicken walks amongst the shelves muttering quietly:
"Book, Book, Book".
The young librarian turns to one of his collegues and asks about the chicken.
"Oh yes," the collegue replies, "She comes in everyday, collects a wing full of books, takes them away and brings them back the next day."
Anyway, this continues for several weeks until the young librarian can stand it no longer and he resolves to follow the bird home and see what happens. The chicken turns up at her usual time, collects her wing full of books and heads out the library. The young librarian follows at a discrete distance.
I won't bore you with the details of the chickens devious route home, suffice it to day she definateley didn't want to  be followed. Fortunately the young librarian had managed to hang on and watched from behind a bush, as the chicken \(taking a good look around to make sure nobody was about\) nipped into a small forest of reeds beside a duck pond
He crept quietly into the reeds only to be confronted by the sight of the chicken handing the book to frog:
Chicken: "Book"
Frog: "Reddit"
Chicken: "Book"
Frog: "Reddit"
Chicken: "books"
Frog "Reddit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lpu4r/a_young_librarian_is_amazed_during_his_first_day/
%
My therapist recommended that I write in a diary to help my low self-esteem.

*Dear Diary,*
S*orry to bother you again.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lpt5n/my_therapist_recommended_that_i_write_in_a_diary/
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What's the saddest part about the relationship between a melon farmer and the girl who is allergic to melons?

They cant-elope!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lpp7s/whats_the_saddest_part_about_the_relationship/
%
The best thing about the 80 mph speed limit in Idaho?

Makes it so much easier to leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lpng6/the_best_thing_about_the_80_mph_speed_limit_in/
%
What do Iraqi girls do at the club?

They Baghdad ass up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lpltp/what_do_iraqi_girls_do_at_the_club/
%
My dick is like a reverse vampire...

I can only see it in a mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lpi3m/my_dick_is_like_a_reverse_vampire/
%
Two blonds walk into a building...

You'd think one of them would've seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lpgrn/two_blonds_walk_into_a_building/
%
Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven....

Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a conversation.
"How did you die?", the first woman asked the second.
"I froze to death," said the second.
"That `s awful," said the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It`s very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shivers and shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But, eventually, it`s a very calm way to go. You get very numb and just sort of go to sleep. How did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see, I knew my lousy husband was cheating on me, so one day, I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, but I found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there, so I ran as fast as I could up to the attic. Just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second woman shakes her head. "That`s so ironic," she says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first woman.
The second woman tells her, "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we would both still be fucking alive."😜

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lpggs/two_women_were_waiting_to_get_into_the_pearly/
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SPOILERS for Deadpool 2

The X-Force was the actual Suicide Squad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lpfo2/spoilers_for_deadpool_2/
%
What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A Roman Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lpeoz/what_do_you_call_a_sleep_walking_nun/
%
If my man were a soda...

Three married black women are talking about their love lives with their husbands. They decide to assign each of their men a soda that represents them. The first lady says, "I'd call my man seven-up. 'Cause he's got seven inches and they're always up, up, up."
The second says, "I'd call my man Mountain Dew. 'Cause he likes to go to the mountains and do, do, do."
The third says, "I'd call my man Jack Daniels."
The other two reply, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda. That's a hard liquor."
"THAT'S MY MAN!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lpe3o/if_my_man_were_a_soda/
%
I tried to tell the doctor that I didn't want a brain transplant.

But he changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lp6if/i_tried_to_tell_the_doctor_that_i_didnt_want_a/
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I don't know why America is so hesitant on recruiting women into the military

They're better than men because they have smaller hitboxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lp54p/i_dont_know_why_america_is_so_hesitant_on/
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A prince under a spell

A prince was put under a spell so  that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two  years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from  speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then  he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.  At  the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he  waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the  most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you!  Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8loxbb/a_prince_under_a_spell/
%
What's Michael Jackson's favorite painting?

The Sha-Mona Lisa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lowsu/whats_michael_jacksons_favorite_painting/
%
Where do poor Italian noodle makers live?

In the Spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lot8s/where_do_poor_italian_noodle_makers_live/
%
Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge......

.....George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he
asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8looea/illinois_bikers_were_riding_west_on_i74_when_they/
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Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To avoid being mistaken for feminists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lolf8/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
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I wipe my ass like I drive...

don’t stop until I see red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lokxn/i_wipe_my_ass_like_i_drive/
%
How can you tell that your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lojxy/how_can_you_tell_that_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
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We need a wall on our southern border to keep out the filthy, raping, murdering savages

Keep the Yankees out of our glorious country!
We might be small and weak but at least we are actually a democracy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lobjr/we_need_a_wall_on_our_southern_border_to_keep_out/
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How is broccoli like buttsex?

If you had a bad experience with it as a child you probably won’t enjoy it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8loagg/how_is_broccoli_like_buttsex/
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Two blondes were trapped in an elevator.

One was crying in the corner and the other one was shouting, ''HELP! HELP!" Then the one crying had an idea, ''Why don't we shout together?'' "Okay," said the other blonde. ''TOGETHER! TOGETHER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lo7he/two_blondes_were_trapped_in_an_elevator/
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She was what we called a ‘suicide blonde’...

Dyed by her own hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lo79p/she_was_what_we_called_a_suicide_blonde/
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A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their girlfriends

“What are you getting your girlfriend?” asks the poor man. And the rich man says “I’m getting her a diamond ring and a Mercedes.” “Why both?” asks the poor man. And the rich man says “That way if she doesn’t like the ring she can still enjoy the Mercedes when she returns the ring.” And then the rich man asks the poor man “What are you getting your girlfriend?” And the poor man says “I’m buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo.” The rich man asks “Why’d you get her slippers and a dildo?” The poor man answers “That way if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lo765/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_are_both_buying/
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In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lo6lz/in_the_army_you_have_to_pay_85_if_you_lose_your/
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A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lo2w3/a_guy_sits_down_in_a_restaurant_and_orders_a_bowl/
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My girlfriend left me today to be with someone who was a dwarf. I'm heartbroken.

I didn't know she could stoop so low...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lo15z/my_girlfriend_left_me_today_to_be_with_someone/
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RIP boiled water.

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lnvgn/rip_boiled_water/
%
TIL that ejaculation happens at 27mph

No wonder I got arrested for doing it in a schoolzone...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lnthy/til_that_ejaculation_happens_at_27mph/
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What is the tallest building in any city?

***The library, because it has so many stories.***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lnq2u/what_is_the_tallest_building_in_any_city/
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Sea salt makes everything taste better.

Except when you’re drowning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lnny5/sea_salt_makes_everything_taste_better/
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Dogs are the the most racially tolerant of all domesticated animals...

They don't see color

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lnnci/dogs_are_the_the_most_racially_tolerant_of_all/
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What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lnmw5/whats_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
%
The day is the 24th of May, and the pope and a lawyer both die and go to heaven.

They both approach the pearly gates, and the pope arrives first. Standing at the gates is St. Peter. After greeting the pope,  St. Peter takes the him on a tour of a heaven. A small crowd awaits on the other side of the gate and cheers as they pass by, the pope is eventually brought to his new house, a large mansion.
St. Peter returns to the gate for the lawyer, and takes him on a tour as well. Walking through the gate they're greeted by the entire angelic choir, and large crowds on both sides of the road cheering for the lawyer. The tour continues and eventually the lawyer is shown to his new residence, a massive mansion four times as large as the pope's. Confused by the commotion and generosity, the lawyer asks, "St. Peter, why do I have large crowds cheering me and a mansion so large, even larger than the pope's?"
"You see," St. Peter says, "We've had hundreds of popes arrive in heaven, but you're the first lawyer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lnkvg/the_day_is_the_24th_of_may_and_the_pope_and_a/
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My wife said she was sick of me singing Backstreet Boys.

I said, "Tell me why..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lnjuj/my_wife_said_she_was_sick_of_me_singing/
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My daughter asked me “Dad, where does poo come from?”

So I sat her down and said “See this cheeseburger? When I eat it, it goes down into my stomach. My body absorbs all the good stuff, and all the waste that’s left over travels down my large intestine and sits in my rectum until I sit on the toilet and push it out of my bum”
She goes quiet. Teary eyed.
Her tiny voice whispers....
“W-w-w-what about Tigger?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lne3e/my_daughter_asked_me_dad_where_does_poo_come_from/
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Said to my wife “Pack your suitcases I’ve won the lottery!”

She said pack for hot weather or cold weather?
I replied “I don’t give a fuck just get out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ln8y4/said_to_my_wife_pack_your_suitcases_ive_won_the/
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What do you call a letter thats never sure if it wants to be delivered or not?

Femail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ln6s2/what_do_you_call_a_letter_thats_never_sure_if_it/
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I really don't want to cut the grass in my yard when I get home.

I need some mowtivation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ln5mw/i_really_dont_want_to_cut_the_grass_in_my_yard/
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A cardiac surgeon is picking up his Bentley from an engine repair.

As the owner's mechanic fetches the car, the owner gets to talking with the doctor and says, "You know, engine repair is a lot like open-heart surgery."
"How so?"
"Well, it's the 'heart' of the machine. It's got fuel injectors like veins, an oil pump like an aorta, and pistons that pump like heart muscle."
"I see."
"It wears and tears like a heart, but without it, the whole car fails, just like a body. If it's not repaired right, a whole lotta problems happen and the engine can seize up."
"That's true," concurs the doc as the Bentley's pulled up to him.
"So how come I only charge ya $10,000 to fix your engine, while a hospital charges around $100,000 for heart surgery?" asks the owner as the doc gets in.
The doc closes the door and rolls the window down. "Try fixing the engine while the car's still running," he answers coolly and speeds off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ln1ro/a_cardiac_surgeon_is_picking_up_his_bentley_from/
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Two 9/11 Truthers die together in a car crash

They go to heaven and stand before God.
God says: "You may get a truthful answer to one question."
First one says: "Who really did 9/11?"
God says: "A bunch of al-Qaeada terrorists"
Second one whispers to the first: "Wow, this conspiracy goes all the way to the top!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lmwuc/two_911_truthers_die_together_in_a_car_crash/
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They say that Republicans no longer embody the Christian values they preach...

That's a little unfair if you ask me. They follow the golden rule perfectly. Whoever has the gold, rules.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lmwga/they_say_that_republicans_no_longer_embody_the/
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A Dutch man goes to a cobbler

Wanting his wooden clogs fixed.
“What’s wrong with them?” asks the shop owner.
“Well you see,” says the Dutchman, “these are my work boots. They’re getting worn out and have some holes in them. Could you fix them up?”
The owner had never fixed wooden shoes, but he figured it would be a good experience working on them. So he agrees and spends the next week fixing the clogs. It’s the hardest and most difficult shoe repair he’s done, seeing as he’s not a carpenter, but he manages.
The man comes back to pick up his shoes and is quite satisfied by the work done on them. A few weeks go by, and then a group of 3 men show up, each with clogs that are full of holes.
One of the men explains, “you did such a good job fixing my coworker’s work boots that we all figured we’d bring ours to you to fix as well.”
The cobbler isn’t too excited, seeing how difficult it will be, but money is money so he agrees. This time it takes him 3 weeks of nonstop work to repair the clogs. The men come back and pick up their shoes, satisfied with the work done on them.
Now being famous for fixing wooden shoes, people start coming from all over to get their clogs repaired, since no other cobbler offers that service. It’s grueling work and the cobbler starts to get real tired of it.
Finally, he has a breaking point when a massive group of workers show up with their clogs full of holes wanting them to be fixed.
Angrily, he yells at them “I am sick and tired of all of these holey wood re-boots!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lmoxb/a_dutch_man_goes_to_a_cobbler/
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Why haven’t there been any black men on the moon?

There aren’t any white women there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lmni7/why_havent_there_been_any_black_men_on_the_moon/
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What is extremely rare but people think it's very common?

Sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lmkkt/what_is_extremely_rare_but_people_think_its_very/
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What do you call a masterbating cow

Beef jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lmkhv/what_do_you_call_a_masterbating_cow/
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I saw a sign that said "Falling rocks"

I tried. It doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lmgug/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_falling_rocks/
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I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said \- why would we choose you..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lmblv/i_asked_my_mom_if_by_any_chance_i_was_adopted/
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A patient is being seen by her doctor for an emergency visit...

"Doctor," croaks the patient, barely able to speak, "I'm in terrible pain! I made one of those frozen pizzas, and then ate it before it cooled down. I burned my throat terribly!"
The doctor, skeptical, checks the patient's mouth. He's shocked to see *extensive* burns throughout her mouth, and blisters all over her tongue.
The doctor grabs a tongue depressor and says, "I need to get a better look at your throat, so I'm going to have to push down your tongue with this. This is *really* going to hurt, so don't worry if you yell."
The doctor presses the patient's tongue, down, and the patient *screams*. The wailing is so loud, it can be heard throughout the office, even into the waiting area. The other patients are visibly concerned, and a nurse is asked to see what's going on.
The nurse rushes into the room. "Doctor!" cries the nurse, "What's with all the screaming? It's scaring the other patients! Is that woman having a baby in here?"
The doctor puts down his tongue depressor and turns to the nurse. "No," he sighs, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lmaei/a_patient_is_being_seen_by_her_doctor_for_an/
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US democracy is the envy of the world...

It is the greatest that money can buy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lm918/us_democracy_is_the_envy_of_the_world/
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What goes from 0 to 59 in less than a minute ?

Seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lm8hi/what_goes_from_0_to_59_in_less_than_a_minute/
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A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each

The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the funeral, each person placed an envelope into the casket.
Later that night, the three started talking. The minister said he needed to confess. He only put $5000 into the grave and gave the rest to the church. The United Way executive said she also needed to admit something. She withheld $8000 for the benefit of several charities. The lawyer couldn't believe the others didn't follow their friend's last wishes, for the lawyer had put in a check for the full $10,000.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lm89n/a_wealthy_man_dies_and_gives_his_friends_10000/
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Customer: I'll have a martini, dry

Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lm78e/customer_ill_have_a_martini_dry/
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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lm3vh/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
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A senior citizen is pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.

The trooper says, “If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The old gentleman replies, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.” The trooper frowns. “That’s a repost, sir. You’re under arrest. I’m afraid I have to take you to r/jokes jail.”
&nbsp;
On his first day in Joke Jail, the old man enters the prison yard to see a long, single-file line of inmates. A single guard stands at the front, heavily muscled and covered in tattoos. He points at a man in a nun’s costume. “Who’re you?” the guard asks. The man replies, “I’m the bus driver!” Before anyone can react, the guard begins to pummel the bus driver, beating him into unconsciousness. Next in line is a small chicken. The guard looks down, “Why are you here?” The chicken replies, “I crossed the road.” The guard beats the chicken into unconsciousness as well. The old man reaches the front of the line, and barely stammers out the reason for his arrest before he, too, is badly beaten.
&nbsp;
Day after day this goes on, with the senior citizen wearily growing used to the routine. After almost a year, though, the old man enters the prison yard, only to find that the guard is absent. The man begins to panic, tearing at his hair and clothes. The bus driver ambles up: “Is somethin’ the matter, old man?”
&nbsp;
The old man shrieks, “This is awful! Simply horrible! I could live with being a repost, but now there’s not even a punch-line!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8llxlr/a_senior_citizen_is_pulled_over_by_a_state/
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Roses are red, coffee is brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8llwtg/roses_are_red_coffee_is_brown/
%
A German guy jumped into a pond to save my dog from drowning....

I said thanks! Are you a vet?
Vet? I’m fucking soaked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8llvle/a_german_guy_jumped_into_a_pond_to_save_my_dog/
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What do you call a male potato?

A dicktater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8llukx/what_do_you_call_a_male_potato/
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The goat at the base of the hill

A man is new to town and steps in the local pub for a drink. After a couple drinks he decides to ask the bartender
"Where are the women around here? I need to get laid."
The bartender says "You're not gonna find any around here, but there is a goat at the base of the hill..."
"Fuck off!" The man says "I'm not that drunk!"
So a couple hours later he's at home entertaining the idea of the goat, when he decides to go through with it and fuck the goat.
The next day he goes back into the pub to find the bartender
"Hey thanks for the tip! I fucked the goat and it was surprisingly human like. But I feel bad for that thing, all these men in town having a go with it."
The bartender replies "All the other men in town ride it over the hill, there's another town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8llqxy/the_goat_at_the_base_of_the_hill/
%
What do you get when you spell man backwards?

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lllw1/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
%
The first time I played rugby was a lot like the first time I had sex

I was left bruised and bloody, but at least my dad came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8llk4e/the_first_time_i_played_rugby_was_a_lot_like_the/
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My friend asked me the definitions of ignorance and apathy

“I don’t know and I don’t care”, I replied
She hasn’t asked me a question since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8llj1q/my_friend_asked_me_the_definitions_of_ignorance/
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2 dogs are sat in a bar

First dog: "I heard a great joke today"
Second dog: "Let's hear it then"
First dog: "Knock kno..."
(Second dog goes fucking mental)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8llgno/2_dogs_are_sat_in_a_bar/
%
Why do fencers dislike browsing Reddit?

Because there are too many reposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8llgg0/why_do_fencers_dislike_browsing_reddit/
%
What's a flat earther's favorite clothing brand?

Land's End

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lldim/whats_a_flat_earthers_favorite_clothing_brand/
%
What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8llbv9/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
%
Job Interview: Why do you think you'd be a good waiter?

I bring a lot to the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8llbf4/job_interview_why_do_you_think_youd_be_a_good/
%
How did Obama propose to Michelle?

He got down to one knee, pulled out the ring and said "I don't want to be obamaself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ll28y/how_did_obama_propose_to_michelle/
%
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To avoid being mistaken for feminists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lkw98/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
%
Drinking Coors Light reminds me of making love in a canoe...

It's fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lkvih/drinking_coors_light_reminds_me_of_making_love_in/
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A mathematician dresses as a tree for halloween

He was a scare root

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lkv6d/a_mathematician_dresses_as_a_tree_for_halloween/
%
The other day, I walked in on my grandma sucking my grandfathers dick...

Weird...I thought they would have cremated all of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lko9j/the_other_day_i_walked_in_on_my_grandma_sucking/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

Now his head hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lklby/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
There was a bad storm that broke the chicken coop causing a farmer to lose a few chickens.

After the storm he asked his farmhand how many chickens were left.
“16 chickens, sir.”
“Alright, round them up, please.”
“20 chickens, sir.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lkiqe/there_was_a_bad_storm_that_broke_the_chicken_coop/
%
I tried to build a computer out of wood, but it wouldn't turn on.

All bark and no byte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lkiol/i_tried_to_build_a_computer_out_of_wood_but_it/
%
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up

One is a man in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde woman about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out  first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She ignores the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant  and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."  He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lkho9/a_circus_owner_runs_an_ad_for_a_lion_tamer_and/
%
Why was the narcissist tired?

Because he had been running through his mind the entire day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lkg9x/why_was_the_narcissist_tired/
%
Did you hear the one about the armless man and the tuna sandwich?

**He didn't make it.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lkf1h/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_armless_man_and/
%
I approach two fat ladies in england, asking them a question

"Excuse me, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
"It's Wales, you idiot!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lkeh1/i_approach_two_fat_ladies_in_england_asking_them/
%
I was told that my actions could have grim repercussions.

I though ' isn't that what Death sits on?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lk8hb/i_was_told_that_my_actions_could_have_grim/
%
Donald Trump told me that I have very nice teeth

which is not surprising, seeing as he only likes things that are straight and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lk87z/donald_trump_told_me_that_i_have_very_nice_teeth/
%
I once went on a date with a girl who didn't swallow.

Fucking soup everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lk5m0/i_once_went_on_a_date_with_a_girl_who_didnt/
%
What’s it called when a shrimp kills another shrimp?

A krilling spree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lk5dg/whats_it_called_when_a_shrimp_kills_another_shrimp/
%
When you say the word "poop" your lips make the same action your butthole makes when you take a crap.

The same happens when you say "explosive diarrhoea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lk3ql/when_you_say_the_word_poop_your_lips_make_the/
%
If a girl fucks ten guys in a week she's a slut...

If a guy does it, he's gay. Definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lk36c/if_a_girl_fucks_ten_guys_in_a_week_shes_a_slut/
%
What do a woman and a pencil have in common?

Pull of the rubber and you'll never be able to fix a mistake...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ljznk/what_do_a_woman_and_a_pencil_have_in_common/
%
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None......that's a hardware issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ljxd6/how_many_computer_programmers_does_it_take_to/
%
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ljugc/a_senior_citizen_drove_his_brand_new_corvette/
%
The only thing Flat-Earthers fear...

Is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ljr5b/the_only_thing_flatearthers_fear/
%
It Snowed

It’s been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon.
8:45 Local TV news crew shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, “Snowballs” and am called a sexist.
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.
Moral: There is no moral to this story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ljqhx/it_snowed/
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The hundred dollar tattoo

Joe gets home late one night and his wife immediately gets on his case. “Where in the hell have you been?” She says.
“Chill out” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my johnson,” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head, “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick?”
“Well, I was thinking; I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow,  I like the feel of money in my hand. And lastly, instead of going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ljqc6/the_hundred_dollar_tattoo/
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Frodo is a great nickname for a friend...

...who disappears after he puts a ring on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ljpd1/frodo_is_a_great_nickname_for_a_friend/
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A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"
"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."
"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."
"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."
"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ljo9o/a_man_calls_the_hotel_front_desk/
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Which tree is the most pensive?

The ponder-osa pine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ljli9/which_tree_is_the_most_pensive/
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Cops are a lot like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ljfx3/cops_are_a_lot_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Wedding night

Billy was a rich prince who had had many women before, but he wanted the perfect one for marriage, to extend his dynasty and satisfy his old grandma queen. He thought his future wife should be a perfect virgin of rare innocence, so he started an ''audition'', picking up girls in his Rolls Royce and going to a hotel with them.
First one he picks up. In a room, after some kissing, he takes his pants off and asks a girl ''what is this?''. She says \- ''it's a dick''. He was disgusted by her vulgarity, had sex anyway but never contacted her again.
Next day he picks up another one. In a room, same story, ''what's this?'', ''obviously a dick lol''. Another disappointment and another meaningless sex with a stranger.
Many months passed and many women were plowed after giving the wrong answer. But one day \- magic! He picked up a beautiful, gracious girl and brought her in.
''What is this'' said he, after taking his pants off.
''I ...i don't know, honestly''.
The prince was in love. He proposed to her and it was official and over the news. There was a huge wedding and everyone was happy.
Comes the wedding night, they start kissing and get naked. Prince says ''so since you don't know what this is, i would be glad to explain it to you. This, my dear duchess, is a dick.''
''You call THAT a dick!?'' said his wife through tears, bursting in laughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ljcsp/wedding_night/
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A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian if they had books on suicide.

"Fuck you," said the librarian, "you'll never bring it back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lja0p/a_guy_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_the_librarian/
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A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead... [NSFW]

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead walk into an elevator together at work. The redhead notices a new stain on the wall of the elevator.
The redhead proceeds to smell the stain and says, "I think it's cum?"
The brunette then smells the same stain and says, "Oh yea, it's definitely cum."
The blonde smells the stain, looks perplexed for a moment, then declares that, "Yes it's cum, but it isn't from any of the men from this building."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lj8ag/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_nsfw/
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Feminists are way more dangerous than someone with a gun

At least a gun only has one trigger...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lj834/feminists_are_way_more_dangerous_than_someone/
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We didn’t have fancy “Survivor Bias” when I was a kid...

and I turned out just fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lj6j3/we_didnt_have_fancy_survivor_bias_when_i_was_a_kid/
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I met a gorgeous girl in the park, immediately sparks flew, she felt weak on her knees and we had the best sex ever!!

Damn I love these new tasers !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lj5z3/i_met_a_gorgeous_girl_in_the_park_immediately/
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I fondly remember our childhood when Dad used to roll us down the hill in a tire.

Those were the Good Years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lj5gp/i_fondly_remember_our_childhood_when_dad_used_to/
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This happened at a meeting with my boss:

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?
Me: I Excel at it!
Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?
Me: Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lj54c/this_happened_at_a_meeting_with_my_boss/
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What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lj0ff/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
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Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven...

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?" "Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one’s harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you’re going with it."
"And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind.
I’ll give you credit for that one too."
"Let’s go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God’s first name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody probly knows It’s Howard."
"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it’s ‘Howard’?"
Forest answers, "It’s in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"The Lord’s Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lir74/forrest_gump_goes_to_heaven/
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When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lik4o/when_i_die_i_want_to_die_like_my_grandfather_who/
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My close friend Elaine went to a party

dressed as an Egg and made out with a guy who was dressed as a Chicken.
A lifelong question was answered that night. It was the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lijkd/my_close_friend_elaine_went_to_a_party/
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Why did the can crusher quit his job ?

Cause it was soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lifwj/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
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Little Johnny ;-)

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have the Monday off.” said the teacher.
'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen, at the front of the class, called out, 'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have the Monday off.”
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday, studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher.
The next quote is, “I had a dream!”
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I believe it was Martin Luther King!”
“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have the Monday off”
“No thank you miss. I am of Chinese origin and we also do not take time off from school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday, studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.
'Okay,' said the teacher.
Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “F*%3ing Asians!”
“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya on Tuesday ...........”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lieft/little_johnny/
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Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8liefr/angela_merkel_arrives_at_the_passport_control_at/
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I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape! I don’t even have a home anymore...

Definitely time for a new keyboard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lib98/i_cant_see_an_end_i_have_no_control_and_i_dont/
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Accordion to a recent survey...

...replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence, often goes undetected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8li8rq/accordion_to_a_recent_survey/
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How's a doctor's office similar to a US school?

Kids can get their shots there, if someone is ill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8li6yl/hows_a_doctors_office_similar_to_a_us_school/
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What do you call a Soviet Sniper?

A Marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8li3y6/what_do_you_call_a_soviet_sniper/
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My local barber got arrested for selling cocaine. This surprised me, since I have been a customer of him for years now, and i'd never known...

...that he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhxpy/my_local_barber_got_arrested_for_selling_cocaine/
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I don't tell dad jokes

but when i do, he usually laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhv32/i_dont_tell_dad_jokes/
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Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. (NSFW)

During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed abnormally long penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's the family thing, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhuez/two_brothers_enlisting_in_the_army_were_getting/
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What did Napoleon say when he arrived at the banquet?

Bon, a partay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhtzy/what_did_napoleon_say_when_he_arrived_at_the/
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Why do I have a lion and witch in my wardrobe?

It's Narnia business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhrw8/why_do_i_have_a_lion_and_witch_in_my_wardrobe/
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[NSFW] So my wife just text me this -

"Thespaceonthisphoneisnotworking.Pleasecanyoucomehomeandgivemeanalternative."
Needless to say I'm rushing home as I type this. But what the hell is a "ternative?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhrpx/nsfw_so_my_wife_just_text_me_this/
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How do you know that you have grown up?

You are walking in the road and the priests don't even see you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhqws/how_do_you_know_that_you_have_grown_up/
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I said to my mate, "I think we should feed my wife herbicide."

He said, "weed killer?" "My point exactly," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhq1o/i_said_to_my_mate_i_think_we_should_feed_my_wife/
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I spent a few hours by my wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhpxz/i_spent_a_few_hours_by_my_wifes_grave_today/
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I called a Chinese restaurant,

the man replied " Hello, I am Wan King the chef."
I replied "It's OK, I'll call you later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhpdl/i_called_a_chinese_restaurant/
%
IBM should change their name to ICBM

Their sales would skyrocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhivo/ibm_should_change_their_name_to_icbm/
%
What do vaginas and schools have in common?

With both, kids regularly get shot inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhii4/what_do_vaginas_and_schools_have_in_common/
%
Need an Ark?

Cause I Noah guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhi3t/need_an_ark/
%
A man is walking down the street when he sees a girl with giant tits walking on the other side

He approaches her and asks “How much to bite your nipples?”
The girl shocked, goes “Fuck no, I’m not that kind of girl.
“Cmon, a hundred bucks?”
“No, fuck off”
“Fine, two hundred bucks?
“I said leave me alone”
“Okay fine, one thousand dollars? Cmon”
The girl stops and looks around for a second and thinks about it.
“Let’s see the money”
The guy pulls out a thousand dollars and says she can have it once he bites her nipples.
The girl finally agrees and they move to the side and the girl pulls up her shirt. The guy is just loving it and he’s going at it, licking and sucking and just enjoying her breasts.
After a few minutes the girl asks him
“Hey, aren’t you going to bite my nipples?”
Guy yells out
“FUCK NO! That shit is way too expensive!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhfxn/a_man_is_walking_down_the_street_when_he_sees_a/
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My wife has been kidnapped in Rio.

The kidnappers are willing to pay any amount for her release.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lhbbz/my_wife_has_been_kidnapped_in_rio/
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I’ll never forget my grandpas last words...

“Quit messing around with my life support cord you twat”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lha1q/ill_never_forget_my_grandpas_last_words/
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Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn't, it used the sidewalk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lh872/why_did_the_crab_cross_the_road/
%
Man is eating a soup in a restaurant.

He has to go to the toilet so he leaves a note : " I've spit in it".
After he comes back, there's another note : "Me too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lh7kr/man_is_eating_a_soup_in_a_restaurant/
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What's the difference between Chamberlain and Hitler?

Chamberlain takes weekends in the country while Hitler takes countries in the weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lh5qr/whats_the_difference_between_chamberlain_and/
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Sherlock opens a salon.

Sherlock combs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lh45w/sherlock_opens_a_salon/
%
What’s the hardest part about drag racing?

Running in heels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lh1o7/whats_the_hardest_part_about_drag_racing/
%
What's the most massive mammal?

A higgs bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lh0hl/whats_the_most_massive_mammal/
%
There are 27 bones in the human hand...

And 28 when I'm lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lgxrg/there_are_27_bones_in_the_human_hand/
%
Me and my coworker was having sex, until we got caught...

It really ruined the family buisness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lgspm/me_and_my_coworker_was_having_sex_until_we_got/
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Baby, are you a Caucasian teen with connected parents on trial for DUI manslaughter defended by a high powered attorney?

'Cause you got FINE written all over you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lgpuu/baby_are_you_a_caucasian_teen_with_connected/
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How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lgits/how_do_you_know_a_blonde_has_been_trying_to/
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The Best Whore House In Texas [NSFW][long]

A recently paid man decides he wants to have a fun night on the town. As he walks through backstreets he stumbles into a stunning brothel with the most gorgeous women he had ever seen.
"Please come in and make yourself at home." said the madam at the front desk.
"It just so happens that I got paid today and I want your deluxe treatment." boasts the man.
"Well you're in luck. We're running a special this week. I have just the thing." said the madam
They walk into a huge room with silk sheets, chilled champagne, and a big mirror on the ceiling. He settles into bed and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen walks in. And  they go at it all night.
The next week the man returns. He stumbles through the door looking a little worse for wear.
"Listen, my wife found out what I did in here. She kicked me out of the house. She won't let me see the kids. And she canceled all my credit cards. But I had such an amazing time in here I have $10 to my name but I have to know if there is anything I can get for it."
"Well I don't know sir we're kinda a high end place, but let me go check." says the madam. A couple minutes later she returns. "sir it's your lucky day we're actually are running a special this week. I have just the thing."
They go to a smaller room and the only things in there are a table, a mirror on the wall, and a chicken sitting on the table.
The woman gestures to the chicken "for 10 dollars this is whatcha get."
The man thinks on it for a second and says fuck it and goes wild on the chicken.
The next week the man returns. He busts through the door looking worse than ever.
"I'm broke, I have nothing except 2 dollars. My life is falling apart but I have such an amazing time these last two weeks I have to know what I can get for it." the man pleads.
"Well sir it's your lucky day we're running a special this week and I have just the thing"
They go off to a room with a couple rows of chairs and a window peering into another room. The woman gestures for the man to sit down. More chairs fill up and then a couple minutes later two absolutely stunning women walk in the other room and just start going at it. A few minutes into the show the man nudges his neighbor and says "Hell man for 2 dollars this is a hell of a show!"
The man looks back to him and replys, "Shit dude this is nothing. You should have been here last week there was a guy in there fucking a chicken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lgi6y/the_best_whore_house_in_texas_nsfwlong/
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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

You tell her a joke on Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lg8tz/how_do_you_make_a_blonde_laugh_on_saturday/
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What Do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd Have In Common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lg6s3/what_do_princess_diana_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
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Chicken joke

Farmer wants to go to the movies, but they won't let him bring in his pet chicken. He goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken down his pants,goes in and sits down next to two old ladies, Ethel and Ruth.
After the movie starts, Ruth leans over to Ethel and says,"this man next to me just unzipped his pants!" Ethel says, "he probably just needs a little air down there. Don't worry about it. "
A few minutes later, Ruth leans over to Ethel and says, "this man next to me is reaching in through his zipper and rummaging around." Ethel says, "he's probably just making things more comfortable down there. Don't worry about it."
A few minutes later, Ruth leans over to Ethel and says, "this man next to me just pulled his business out of his pants." Ethel says, "well, you've seen those before. Don't worry about it."
Ruth leans over again, and says, "yes, I've seen those before, but this time it's eating my popcorn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lg6cu/chicken_joke/
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9/10 redditors are fucking morons

I'm glad to be the 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lg3zs/910_redditors_are_fucking_morons/
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I posted ten puns on r/jokes, hoping one of them would make it to the front page...

No pun-in-ten-did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lg2hm/i_posted_ten_puns_on_rjokes_hoping_one_of_them/
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Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lfylz/did_you_hear_the_government_is_banning/
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What Is The Best Part Of An Isis Joke?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lftqd/what_is_the_best_part_of_an_isis_joke/
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"Diana!" I said, greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door...

She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah, I know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lfstv/diana_i_said_greeting_my_motherinlaw_as_she/
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Today Was A Shitty Day

My ex got hit by a bus, and I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lfsbl/today_was_a_shitty_day/
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Four Brothers

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met  the preacher who told me about a  parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten  preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for  five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and  verse, and the parrot will recite  it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the  celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks  anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home;  I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good.  Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater  with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my  hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank  you so much."
"Love, Mama."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lfs45/four_brothers/
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My uncle always said to fight fire with fire...

I guess thats why he's not a fireman anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lfs1b/my_uncle_always_said_to_fight_fire_with_fire/
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What Do You Call A Bunch of White Guys Sitting On A Bench?

The NBA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lfrj2/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_guys_sitting_on/
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Yesterday I got hit in the head with a soda can.

Luckily it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lfqlc/yesterday_i_got_hit_in_the_head_with_a_soda_can/
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Secede from the Union

United States: Should we do something about guns?
Texas: WE CAN AND WILL SECEDE FROM THE UNION IF WE SEE IT FIT TO DO SO
United States: How bout dem immigrants tho
Texas: WE CAN AND WILL SECEDE FROM THE UNION IF WE SEE IT FIT TO DO SO
United States: I like ice cream
Texas: WE CAN AND WILL SECEDE FROM THE UNION IF WE SEE IT FIT TO DO SO
United States: Let's ban weed
Texas: aiight cool
California:WE CAN AND WILL SECEDE FROM THE UNION IF WE SEE IT FIT TO DO SO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lfl5s/secede_from_the_union/
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My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry...

In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lfkjr/my_wife_is_complaining_that_i_never_buy_her/
%
[NSFW] Two doctors pass each other in a hallway and one asks to borrow the other's pen

So the other says, "Sure, here you go."
The first doctor looks at what he was just handed and says, "This isn't a pen. It's a rectal thermometer."
The other says, "Sorry, some asshole has my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lf7pf/nsfw_two_doctors_pass_each_other_in_a_hallway_and/
%
What's the singular of "Women's Studies?"

Study abroad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lf2x8/whats_the_singular_of_womens_studies/
%
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8levrj/did_you_know_the_first_french_fries_werent/
%
"Can I let you in on a secret," said my son.

"Sure," I replied.
He said, "I filmed myself having sex with my girlfriend. It's now online."
Disgusted, I asked, "Where did you put it!?"
He said, "In her arse, of course."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lesr2/can_i_let_you_in_on_a_secret_said_my_son/
%
My brother sat down with my girlfriend and I. He said, "Pal, I've got a confession to make. Last night I had sex with your girlfriend. We went to a party, she was drinking beer, I was drinking wine. One thing led to another..."

I turned to my girlfriend, in shock. "Tell me he's lying."
She said, "He is, it wasn't beer it was cider."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lerbl/my_brother_sat_down_with_my_girlfriend_and_i_he/
%
Could someone help me out? I live in Canada and I need to travel to my honey farm tomorrow, but I don't have a car.

I don't need anything special, just something to get me from eh to bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8leqbl/could_someone_help_me_out_i_live_in_canada_and_i/
%
Why is U-2's lawyer always broke?

All of his cases are pro-Bono

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8leq95/why_is_u2s_lawyer_always_broke/
%
A Russian Military Lecturer

The commanding officer at a Russian military academy gave a lecture on potential problems and military strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, “Who will be the enemy?”
The general replied, “All indications point to China.”
Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, “General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?”
The general answered, “Just think about this for a moment.  In modern warfare, it is not the number of soldiers that matters, but the quality of an army’s capabilities. For example, in the Middle East, there have been a few recent wars where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.”
After a small pause, an officer from the back of the auditorium asked, “Do we have enough Jews?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lepe2/a_russian_military_lecturer/
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My dad always said: "When life gets you down, shred cheese."

That was grate advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8leof8/my_dad_always_said_when_life_gets_you_down_shred/
%
What do you call a pirate who's trapped in a closet?

Arrr Kelly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lem3a/what_do_you_call_a_pirate_whos_trapped_in_a_closet/
%
Where does chocolate milk come from?

a cacao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lejxw/where_does_chocolate_milk_come_from/
%
A monk dies and goes to heaven...

He wakes up confused with an angel standing over him.
The monk exclaims "What! Where am I?"
"You are in heaven now my brother" The angel proudly states, then upon seeing that the monk seemed upset, asked "Is there anything wrong?"
"I can't believe this... can you take me to see god?" the monk replies appearing even more flabbergasted.
Confused now too, the angel says "Yes of course, follow me!"
The angel leads the monk to a big white door and after requesting for an audience, a mighty voice from within beckoned the monk in.
Upon seeing the radiant figure on the throne the monk falls onto his knees, too shocked to stand, and after awhile finally exclaims "I can't believe it's not buddha!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lefzr/a_monk_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
In Soviet Russia an American Spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.
The big day finally came, and he was parachuted to the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.
"Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?", he asked the conductor in authentic Russian.
"5 Rubles, Comrade American", came the reply.
Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-ass. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar.
"It's just around the block, Comrade American."
Keats' doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vodka.
"Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?", the bartender asked.
Keats threw a fit. "What's the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?"
"Well Comrade, it's because you're black."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lec2u/in_soviet_russia_an_american_spy_tries_to_blend_in/
%
Two condoms are walking down the street...

looking for a bar to get some drinks. They pass by a gay bar and one condom turns to the other and says "This place looks fun, you wanna go inside and get shit faced?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lebaj/two_condoms_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
A Bear and a Rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and says 'Excuse me. Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?' and the rabbit says, 'No.' So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8le33z/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_taking_a_shit_in_the_woods/
%
A Blonde was down on her luck..

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ldyro/a_blonde_was_down_on_her_luck/
%
What is Harry Potter's preferred way of getting down an inclined path?

Walking.
.......JK, ROLLING!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ldvmr/what_is_harry_potters_preferred_way_of_getting/
%
Have you ever seen 6 women topless at the same time?

Sounds like a lot dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ldutt/have_you_ever_seen_6_women_topless_at_the_same/
%
Einstein: Dad, my paper on the Theory of Relativity finally got published!!

Einstein’s Dad: Damn son, it’s about time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ldr16/einstein_dad_my_paper_on_the_theory_of_relativity/
%
What did the penis say to the condom

“Cover me I’m going in”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ldn15/what_did_the_penis_say_to_the_condom/
%
I did my good deed for the day

I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.
Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.
She didn’t want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ldl6x/i_did_my_good_deed_for_the_day/
%
I was in bed with this redneck girl when all of a sudden her father, her brother and her boyfriend burst into the room

And boy was he mad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lddek/i_was_in_bed_with_this_redneck_girl_when_all_of_a/
%
What's the favorite game played by Hawaiian children these days?

The floor is lava.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ldbrn/whats_the_favorite_game_played_by_hawaiian/
%
I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ldax4/i_was_at_a_bar_one_night_when_i_heard_the_most/
%
What’s the difference between a vegan and a vegetarian?

Ah, never mind. The punchline is cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ld6sw/whats_the_difference_between_a_vegan_and_a/
%
What is it called when a German has a tear in his condom

Kinder Surprise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ld6i4/what_is_it_called_when_a_german_has_a_tear_in_his/
%
The doctor was showing the visitor around the insane asylum

,and showing him a test to decide whether people should be admitted as patients. "We fill a bathtub with water and we hand the person a teaspoon, a cup, and a pail." "Oh," says the visitor, "So the normal person will use the pail to empty the tub." The doctor replied, "No, actually, a normal person would pull the plug. So, would you like a private room?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ld28l/the_doctor_was_showing_the_visitor_around_the/
%
Why do the French only have one egg at breakfast...

Because one egg is un oeuf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ld0oa/why_do_the_french_only_have_one_egg_at_breakfast/
%
The police station toilet was stolen

Cops have nothing to go on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lczt6/the_police_station_toilet_was_stolen/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill 1 million irishmen?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lcz9p/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_1_million/
%
An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in.

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"
"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lcxdd/an_old_ukrainian_is_cleaning_his_hunting_rifle/
%
I heard that, while a double negative makes a positive, a double positive doesn't make a negative...

Yeah right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lcuqd/i_heard_that_while_a_double_negative_makes_a/
%
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers in here!"

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lco70/the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
%
Mrs. Jones was giving a spelling test to her third grade class...

“How do you spell the word ‘straight’?” asked Mrs. Jones.
Little Johnny shouts, “S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T!!”
“Excellent job Johnny! And what does that word mean?”
“Without ice.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lcny4/mrs_jones_was_giving_a_spelling_test_to_her_third/
%
Why is Obi-wan Kenobi a terrible marriage counselor?

The only advice he gives is “Use di-
vorce”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lcn1o/why_is_obiwan_kenobi_a_terrible_marriage_counselor/
%
What do you call a bicyclist advocate?

A spokesperson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lcisu/what_do_you_call_a_bicyclist_advocate/
%
The thieves who stole my calendar finally got sentenced.

Both got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lchuq/the_thieves_who_stole_my_calendar_finally_got/
%
My girl friend said you act to much like a detective we should split up

I said good idea we can cover more ground that way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lc7oz/my_girl_friend_said_you_act_to_much_like_a/
%
"Sorry, we don't serve mojitos here" says the bartender.

The dejected mojito gets up and leaves the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lc38i/sorry_we_dont_serve_mojitos_here_says_the/
%
My grandfather warned people that the titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lc387/my_grandfather_warned_people_that_the_titanic/
%
I don’t know what it is but I just don’t trust stairs.

They’re always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lc0h1/i_dont_know_what_it_is_but_i_just_dont_trust/
%
When I misbehaved, my father wouldn't spank me....

Instead, he'd ground me.
And then he'd run electric current through me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lbzgx/when_i_misbehaved_my_father_wouldnt_spank_me/
%
I’m trying to build a barn and keep running into problems.

I just can’t find a stable solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lbtw0/im_trying_to_build_a_barn_and_keep_running_into/
%
A man with short term memory loss walks into a bar.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lbrfs/a_man_with_short_term_memory_loss_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Doctor... there’s something wrong with my hearing!

Describe the symptoms....
Uh...Well Marge has blue hair....homer is fat...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lbp9j/doctor_theres_something_wrong_with_my_hearing/
%
A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend when the telephone rang.

After hanging up, she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lbiyn/a_woman_was_in_bed_having_sex_with_her_husbands/
%
I, for one,

like Roman Numerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lbex0/i_for_one/
%
A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern...

He takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lbef3/a_chicken_farmer_goes_into_a_local_tavern/
%
A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge."

The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman replies,
"No, but I'll blow you for a toaster."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lbdmc/a_woman_walks_into_a_hardware_store_and_says_i/
%
Dumb Fucks

"Look at that dumb fuck, Daddy," said my 3-year-old from his car seat.
"Where?" I asked. There were quite a few around us, he could have been talking about any of them.
"The white one," he continued.
That narrowed it down. There was only one that fit that description.
"That dumb fuck is dirty," he said. "Why is that dumb fuck so dirty?"
It was a good question, a question a child might ask, but not a childish question.
"Some are dirtier than others," I replied. "It comes with the territory."
We were sitting outside Starbucks waiting for my wife. We were passing the time the way men do, talking about our feelings and cursing a little - some of us more than others.
"Do you like dumb fucks, Daddy?" he asked. It had an added air of the rhetorical.
"I don't like being too close to them," I answered. "They are pretty fun to watch, though."
My wife returned with our coffee and took a seat in the car.
"Mommy, did you see all the dumb fucks?"
I knew that she had.
"Honey," she said with a straight face. "They're called dump trucks."
"Dumb fucks," he repeated.
"Exactly," I told him, and we sipped our coffee as he watched the last one rumble past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lbd1y/dumb_fucks/
%
My wife just sent me to sleep on the couch.

It's just like camping, but with a big angry bear in the next room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lbarn/my_wife_just_sent_me_to_sleep_on_the_couch/
%
A guy was lying down on a hospital bed, waiting for his doctor to arrive

After 4 hours, the doctor arrived, all sweaty and tired.
"Sorry I'm late." The doctor said, "I had to attend my son's baseball game."
The guy replied, "It's okay doc, I'm patient."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lbab8/a_guy_was_lying_down_on_a_hospital_bed_waiting/
%
A Rabbi goes to church to visit a friend who is a priest...(long)

He is waiting around for the priest, just hanging out by the pews, when a young woman comes into the church, and goes into the confessional.
The Rabbi thinks to himself that he dose not want to wait around longer for the the priest, and taking confessions can't be that difficult, so he slips into the other side of the confessional to help his friend out.
The young women immediately says, "Bless me father for I have sinned.   I gave my boyfriend a blowjob last night.  What is my penance?"
The Rabbi is stumped, and quickly sticks his head out of the confessional to see if the priest is around to help him out of this mess.  The Rabbi does not see the priest, but he does see an altar boy walking by, and quickly asks him, "Young man, what does the priest give for blow jobs?"
The alter boy says, "A Milky Way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lb8m2/a_rabbi_goes_to_church_to_visit_a_friend_who_is_a/
%
What does T’ challa from Black panther put on when he has sex?

A wakandom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lb690/what_does_t_challa_from_black_panther_put_on_when/
%
A man was hospitalized after eating $10,000 in small bills

As of today, there was no change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lb389/a_man_was_hospitalized_after_eating_10000_in/
%
e^x, x and x^2 went to a party.

x and x^2 noticed e^x has been standing in the same corner since they arrived.
x asked "Why don't you go mix in with the crowd?"
e^x replied "Well, no matter how much I integrate it's still the same!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lb1i9/ex_x_and_x2_went_to_a_party/
%
What is the difference between a priest and a pimple

A pimple will wait till you are 12 to come on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lazmr/what_is_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a/
%
Do you know what everyone has been doing?

Kung Fu Fighting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8law1l/do_you_know_what_everyone_has_been_doing/
%
What do Romans yell when the golf ball is coming toward you?

IV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lavfd/what_do_romans_yell_when_the_golf_ball_is_coming/
%
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8larzx/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole_i/
%
My friend just died in front of us...

The paramedics working on him asked us his blood type to help save him, but we didn’t know it.
He kept telling us all to “be positive”...but it’s so hard now that he’s gone.
We miss him so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lapw5/my_friend_just_died_in_front_of_us/
%
Ole goes to heaven

So one day ole passed away and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter said "In order to get into heaven, you have to answer 3 questions. if you correctly answer them, you can enter heaven."
ole said "well alright, whats the first question?"
Peter replied "the first question is 'how many days of the week start with 'T'?'"
ole thinks about it for a long few minutes and says "well that must be Today and Tomorrow."
Peter looks shocked and laughs "That's not the exact answer i was looking for, but it still works. Moving on."
"The second question is how many seconds are there in a year?"
now ole's face burrows deep while he tries to think of the answer, after five minutes he replies "well i reckon there must be 12 seconds in a year."
"What?" Peter exclaims "How do you reckon that?"
"Well, there is January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...."
"Well i guess that's technically correct..... I'll accept it" said Peter
Ole replied "Well all righty! whats the last question?"
"What is Gods name?" Peter asked smugly
Ole said "you should've said that one first! that's easy, it must be Howard."
"Howard? how did you come up with that?" Peter asked.
Ole explained "Well, in the prayers it starts 'Howard be thy name....'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lam2n/ole_goes_to_heaven/
%
John started working in a color pigment company...

John started working in a color pigment company which specialises in mixing and editing different color pigments according to their customers's demands. Once the color pigments were done, they would be mailed out to the customers with a detailed note commenting on the properties of the produced color pigments. John was placed in the 'Pink Pigment' department which was incidentally between the 'Red Pigment' and 'White Pigment' departments. He was really good at his job and was constantly praised for the great work he produced.
However after a month or so, John found that a number of his work was being duplicated and mailed to almost all of his customers. Worse of all, instead of a proper note commenting on the color pigment properties, these duplicated products were accompanied with rather bad puns and jokes. One repeating joke which irritated him the most was: 'What do you call a country with only pink cars? A pink car-nation.'
Upset, he went to his manager to complain about the problem. After listening to John, his manager said, "Oh boy, looks like I need to talk to the manager of the 'Red Pigment' department again. This is not the first time that it has happened. Those Red-editors in that department love to copy and repost other people's original work as their own."
John then asked, "How are you so sure that it was them who are responsible?"
His manager replied, "Well, you can be certain that it is them as they always love jokes or puns especially in the comment section."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ladsx/john_started_working_in_a_color_pigment_company/
%
[NSFW] I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.

She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl.
So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor.
At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ladr7/nsfw_i_was_walking_back_from_the_pub_last_night/
%
Batman went to a restaurant.

Shortly after being seated, the waiter asks if he would like a drink.
"Water." Batman says in his gruff voice.
"Would you like ice and a lemon?"
Batman looks at him and says: "Justice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lac65/batman_went_to_a_restaurant/
%
Why does moving a plant from one place to another change it's gender?

Because it's a trans-plant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8la7px/why_does_moving_a_plant_from_one_place_to_another/
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Malicious Compliance

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in the pub one night complaining about their nagging wives. In order to get their own back, they decide to do the first thing their wives tell them when they return home that night.
The Englishman gets home, lights a cigarette and falls asleep on the couch dropping ash on the carpet. His wife smells the smoulder and comes down the stairs and yells “just burn the whole house down!” So he waits for her to return to bed before setting fire to the whole house.
The Scotsman goes home, washes his face in the bathroom sink and goes to bed, but forgets to turn off the tap, resulting in the sink overflowing. His wife gets up to use the bathroom and sees the overflowing sink and yells “flood the whole house while you’re at it”. So he waits for her to return to bed before turning on every tap in the house and flooding the whole house.
The Irishman goes home and is feeling horny so he climbs into bed with his wife, reaches over and starts rubbing her clitoris. His wife yells “now you can cut that out for a start!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8la6zs/malicious_compliance/
%
Three dumbass people were sleeping on a bed.

There wasn't enough space for the three of them. One of them moved to sleep on the floor. When he went, one of the dumb guys called him and said "dude come back! There's suddenly a lot of space here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8la4ht/three_dumbass_people_were_sleeping_on_a_bed/
%
A man at the bar was telling his friends about a girl tied to the train tracks...

She screamed for help. The man waited a bit, then he quickly untied her. He then told his friends about the hot sex both of them right after he untied her. He was describing all the positions they did it in. Then one of his friends asked:
-“Did she give you head”
To that he man replied:
“No, I couldn’t find it”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8la419/a_man_at_the_bar_was_telling_his_friends_about_a/
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Four men are talking...

They are talking about how rich their sons are. The first said: "My son is so rich last time he bought his lover a luxurious Mercedes" "That's nothing"- said the second-"mine bought his lover last time a luxurious yacht" "Well thats cute"-responded the third-"Mine bought his lover a luxurious 12000 square metre mansion"The fourth man responds: "Ya' know my son is very rich too but recently found out that he is homosexual" "Eww, how terrible is that"-react the other men-"How can you handle this?" "Oh, i handle it really well, and he is actually really successful among men, from the last three lovers of him he recived Mercedes a yacht and a huge mansion...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8la20q/four_men_are_talking/
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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9yxo/i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_in_half_just_by_looking/
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Why did God cross the road?

Because Jesus already got a cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9yj2/why_did_god_cross_the_road/
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Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9y7h/nobody_ever_asks_how_cocacola_is_doing/
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Pinwheel Smith

A woman arrives at the Pearly  and meets Saint Peter. She says, "I was supposed to look up my husband when I got here." Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?" She answers, "Smith." Saint Peter replies, "I've got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She responds, "His name is John Smith." Saint Peter says, "I got thousands of John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She answers, "He's got red hair." He replies, "I have hundreds of red haired John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She responds, "Well, he told me to always remain faithful to his memory, or else he'd roll over in his grave!" Saint Peter says, "Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9wa4/pinwheel_smith/
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Xbox Live has made me a better parent

My son can never win an argument after I tell him I banged his mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9vzs/xbox_live_has_made_me_a_better_parent/
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Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9paj/did_you_hear_about_the_semicolon_that_broke_the/
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I complimented the toilet.

It flushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9nsr/i_complimented_the_toilet/
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Two nuns are renovating a room at the convent.

When it comes time to paint, they don't want to ruin their habits so they strip nakrd and make sure the door is locked. About an hour later they hear a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", says one nun.
From the other side of the door they hear, "Blind guy".
So the nuns open the door thinking it would not matter if they were still naked. The guy walks through the door and says,
"Nice tits! Where do you want me to hang up the new blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9mk1/two_nuns_are_renovating_a_room_at_the_convent/
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My Grandfather died in Auschwitz

Poor guy fell out of the guard tower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9m0n/my_grandfather_died_in_auschwitz/
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I have an inferiority complex...

But it's not a very good one.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9lmg/i_have_an_inferiority_complex/
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What do you call a ring of Iron atoms?

A ferrous wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9lcb/what_do_you_call_a_ring_of_iron_atoms/
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What's the difference between...

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
I wouldn't pay $20 to have a lentil on my face...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9l19/whats_the_difference_between/
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I used to not be able to tell the difference between sine and cosine

But it was just a phase

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9i3a/i_used_to_not_be_able_to_tell_the_difference/
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Saying the right thing, at the right time..

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9h2l/saying_the_right_thing_at_the_right_time/
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I was just attacked by a bunch of snakes. Not sure how many there were. Around 3.14 I’d guess.

I think they were probably πthons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9grt/i_was_just_attacked_by_a_bunch_of_snakes_not_sure/
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My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l985p/my_mom_used_to_feed_me_by_saying_here_comes_the/
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As I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of death

I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l9325/as_i_walk_through_the_valley_of_the_shadow_of/
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Dad washes his car with his son

Son: Can't you just use a sponge?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l92my/dad_washes_his_car_with_his_son/
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Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?

It's illegal to drink and derive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l8zoe/why_are_you_not_allowed_to_do_calculus_intoxicated/
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A nun is in the bath when she hears a knock at the door. “Who is it please?” She calls out, “it’s the blind man” says a voice from behind the door. She thinks for a minute and then decided to tell him to come in...

“Nice tits love, where do you want the blind you ordered?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l8z23/a_nun_is_in_the_bath_when_she_hears_a_knock_at/
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I'd say I'm very good at making friends

They always tell me "I'm sorry but I don't like you, we can be friends though"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l8yj5/id_say_im_very_good_at_making_friends/
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The 3 unwritten rules in life

1. 2. 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l8xy8/the_3_unwritten_rules_in_life/
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My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l8wpx/my_teenage_daughter_came_home_from_school_and_she/
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I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l8v88/i_bought_ten_bananas_and_began_peeling_each_one/
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[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"
She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"
I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."
[EDIT]: My top post ever is about sadism! Damn I love Reddit!
[EDIT2]: Since my username was found disturbing by some, I shall henceforth be known as...
"Captain MurdererRapist"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l8s3f/nsfw_i_took_a_girl_back_to_my_place_last_night/
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What's the difference between Hitler and the Boston Bombers?

The Bombers knew how to end a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l8n2d/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_the/
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It is great when a guy tells you that you make him gay

Unless you're his wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l8kn7/it_is_great_when_a_guy_tells_you_that_you_make/
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I don't know why Marvel hasn't tried to advertisements on the Hulk

He's essentially a giant banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l8dqh/i_dont_know_why_marvel_hasnt_tried_to/
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I can't stand everyone ridiculing me for being a cannibal...

I just get so fed up with people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l8c5b/i_cant_stand_everyone_ridiculing_me_for_being_a/
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So I told my girlfriend someone's out there making owl noises

and she's like "who"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l8aat/so_i_told_my_girlfriend_someones_out_there_making/
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What did Zelda tell Link when he wasn't able to open the door?

Triforce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l88k7/what_did_zelda_tell_link_when_he_wasnt_able_to/
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This is your captain speaking

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l81d3/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
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Why do gorillas have such large nostrils?

Big fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l7yes/why_do_gorillas_have_such_large_nostrils/
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Gregorian Calendar

Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Saturday: Ian
Sunday: Greg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l7y1m/gregorian_calendar/
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How did the catholic priest play the piano?

In A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l7w9y/how_did_the_catholic_priest_play_the_piano/
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What do you call a guy who’s half Mexican and half Chinese that wears only one sneaker?

Juan Shu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l7te7/what_do_you_call_a_guy_whos_half_mexican_and_half/
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The wife has been missing for a week. Police said I should now prepare for the worst....

So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l7szp/the_wife_has_been_missing_for_a_week_police_said/
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Mad-Dog’s Lady

A rough pack of tough bikers were out for a scoot in the hill country in central Texas.  Pulling into Austin, they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off Pennybaker bridge. Mad-Dog, their leader, gave the hand signal to pull up. Mad-dog, a big burly man with skin like leather, a handle bar mustache, and a bad attitude decides to go out and check on the gal. He calmly gets off his Harley, walks through a group of onlookers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing from his patrol car’s PA system. He speaks calmly as he slowly approaches her. "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to drown myself- end it right NOW!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive" in front of such a large audience, Mad-Dog also didn't want to miss this opportunity to be a hero either. So, he thought for a minute and came up with a plan. “Listen sweetheart- I’d hate to have you jump never having been kissed the way a woman should be kissed. How about, before you jump, you give ol’ Mad-Dog here your best last kiss?"
Now Mad-Dog never expected she would do such a thing- he was just hoping he could get close enough to pull her back over the railing. But, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that. It was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one. The kisses became more passionate and frantic. Soon they were pawing at each other’s backsides, pulling each other’s hair and shoving their tongues down each other’s throats.
After they breathlessly finished, Mad-Dog realizes that there is thunderous applause and cheers from his riding buddies and the onlookers. He even was getting the thumbs up signal from the Trooper!
“Wow! That was the best kiss Ol’ Mad-Dog has have ever had, baby girl ! That's a real talent you're wasting. Hell- I think I’m love with you!  Why are you committing suicide with that sort of passion in you?"
"Well, my parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
Investigators are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l7m7j/maddogs_lady/
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Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l7ldp/deaf_sex/
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I have to return my blindfold

I just can’t see myself wearing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l7gkr/i_have_to_return_my_blindfold/
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Don't touch magic pigs...

...you might get Hogwarts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l7fsx/dont_touch_magic_pigs/
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What’s the best part of a waffle?

The w. Without it it’s just awful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l7cvn/whats_the_best_part_of_a_waffle/
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What is an epileptic's favorite pizza joint?

Little seizures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l76mh/what_is_an_epileptics_favorite_pizza_joint/
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First time with a condom...

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk. "Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.
I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her. She passed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l75dt/first_time_with_a_condom/
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Why can’t you take a test in the jungle

Too many cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l754s/why_cant_you_take_a_test_in_the_jungle/
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Lorraine

So imagine you are dating this girl named Lorraine, she is AWFUL. She stalks you, goes through your phone, and other crazy girlfriend things. The times you have tried to break up with her is countless but she always weasels her way out of it and you find yourself not doing it.
However there is this girl named Claire Lee. She is absolutely amazing, smart, pretty, overall a 10/10. You guys are just friends because you are “dating Lorraine” but you want to be so much more.
So you and Lorraine are out at dinner and all of a sudden Lorraine proposes to you. You have no idea what to say and somehow you actually agree with it because she is that convincing.
A few months pass by and it is your wedding day. You are standing at the altar waiting for Lorraine to walk down the aisle. Then out of nowhere someone comes running in screaming “LORRAINE IS GONE! LORRAINE IS GONE!” Nobody knows where Lorraine is. Somebody says they think they saw her leave in a car a few minutes ago. Everyone is freaking out but all you can think is
“I can see Clair Lee now Lorraine is gone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l7440/lorraine/
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What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple waits until you are 12 before it comes on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l6zyy/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_pimple/
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What do you call a mockingbird that weighs 2,000 grams?

2 kilo mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l6y8z/what_do_you_call_a_mockingbird_that_weighs_2000/
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I recently found out I’m a hypochondriac ...

Which totally sucks because I hear that puts me at risk for a TON of other serious diseases

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l6xcf/i_recently_found_out_im_a_hypochondriac/
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What is the brain told when you have Alzheimer’s?

Begone, thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l6vv0/what_is_the_brain_told_when_you_have_alzheimers/
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I made a machine to help me pass history class.

"How do you use it?"
"Just give the button APUSH"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l6uq4/i_made_a_machine_to_help_me_pass_history_class/
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Why does a Chicken Coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l6tfc/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_two_doors/
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Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter was waiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter asks, "What's logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l6sna/two_rednecks_bubba_and_cooter_decided_that_they/
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Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l6ls3/doctor_you_might_have_a_phobia_of_marriage_do_you/
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What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant girlfriend?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l6b75/whats_the_difference_between_a_lightbulb_and_a/
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How do Hogwarts students keep their breathe fresh?

enchant mints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l6b1j/how_do_hogwarts_students_keep_their_breathe_fresh/
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I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em...

"I'll be returning"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l6663/i_was_kicked_out_of_the_house_for_my_bad/
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How do you kill a hipster?

You drown them in the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l65ce/how_do_you_kill_a_hipster/
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Jello fired Bill Cosby.

They said he was off-pudding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l62wx/jello_fired_bill_cosby/
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I understand how batteries feel

because I'm rarely ever included in things either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l62w5/i_understand_how_batteries_feel/
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What's the worst thing about going to a Vegan BBQ?

The screaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l627z/whats_the_worst_thing_about_going_to_a_vegan_bbq/
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Human thought

A teacher is teaching the kids that there is nothing quicker than a human thought. All of a sudden, one of the kids gets up and says that she is wrong, so the teacher asks, "What could be quicker, then?"
The kid then says, "Well, last night I overheard my parents having sex as I was passing by the bedroom. After a short while I heard my dad say, 'Shit, I came quicker than I thought.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l61jl/human_thought/
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"Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?"

"No, have you seen my Dadglasses?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l5ypc/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
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What is the fear of giants called?

Feefiphobia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l5v1k/what_is_the_fear_of_giants_called/
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Joe was sentenced to prison for twenty years.

His first night at jail, after lights out, he heard someone say sixty\-one. All two hundred men in the cell block started laughing.  Then someone hollered thirty\-nine. The two hundred men cracked up with laughter.  Then someone yelled ninety\-six.  Once again an uproar of laughter.  So Joe asked his cellie,  Sam, what gives?  Sam said "We have a joke book and everyone has studied  it and all the jokes are numbered.  So when you want to tell a certain  joke you just say the number and everyone recalls the joke and  they laugh.
Sam then gives Joe a copy of the joke book and Joe reads all the  jokes.  After lights out Joe yells "Twelve"  No one laughs.  "Twenty".  No one laughs. Finally he says "sixty".  Not one single laugh.  Joe then asks Sam dissapointed "Why doesn't anyone laugh when I call out the joke numbers?"   Sam then says "Joe, face it... you just don't know how to tell a joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l5sln/joe_was_sentenced_to_prison_for_twenty_years/
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How do you circumsize a Hill-Billy?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l5r9d/how_do_you_circumsize_a_hillbilly/
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A witch was going to take a friend's broom for a ride

But she couldn't drive a stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l5fsw/a_witch_was_going_to_take_a_friends_broom_for_a/
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What do you call headphones that walk out on their children?

Deadbeats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l56ws/what_do_you_call_headphones_that_walk_out_on/
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When two women marry each other, how do they decide

which one doesn’t want to have sex any more?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l55h7/when_two_women_marry_each_other_how_do_they_decide/
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What kind of contract killer has two butts?

An assassin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l54i4/what_kind_of_contract_killer_has_two_butts/
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What type of construction do lesbians use for their houses??

Tongue in groove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l53nb/what_type_of_construction_do_lesbians_use_for/
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Dead crows on the highway

The RCMP have found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted there was a lack of paint on the bird's beaks and claws suggesting that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The RCMP then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l5155/dead_crows_on_the_highway/
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I like my women like I like my coffee...

... shops
Independent and doing well for themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l50p1/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A college student is taking an end of the semester test for his bird study class

He realizes that if he studies the whole night, he can ace the final and get a good grade. So he pulls an all-nighter and feels good about the material. The next day, he arrives to his class, and the test begins. The thing he neglected to study was identifying certain birds by their footprint. This makes the student very angry and he bursts out yelling at his professor saying that they shouldn’t be tested on just the footprints. The student is almost out of the classroom when the professor asks “What is you name?”.  The student smiles and walks up to the desk, takes his shoes and socks off, puts his foot on the desk, and says “I don’t know, tell me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4yqa/a_college_student_is_taking_an_end_of_the/
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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4xbb/i_dont_like_the_term_anal_bleaching/
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Co-workers are like Christmas lights

they all hang together, but half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t as bright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4tme/coworkers_are_like_christmas_lights/
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Jared Fogle ended his career the same way he began it...

By trying to get into smaller pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4tcg/jared_fogle_ended_his_career_the_same_way_he/
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I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer.

I saw it clearly through my binoculars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4rul/i_fear_my_neighbor_may_be_stalking_me_shes_been/
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Superman is out flying one night when he sees wonder woman lying naked on a roof.

Seeing her naked body turns him on and he thinks to himself "I could probably fly down, fuck her, and fly away real fast without her noticing."
So he swoops down and does his deed and as he flies away wonder woman says "what was that wooshing sound?"
The invisible man answers "I don't know, but it really made my ass hurt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4qlf/superman_is_out_flying_one_night_when_he_sees/
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Girl: “Come over”

Guy: “I’m coming over”
Girl: “We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4ot8/girl_come_over/
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I asked my girlfriend, did you fake it last night ?

She said \- no, I was really asleep last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4oep/i_asked_my_girlfriend_did_you_fake_it_last_night/
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I bought a toilet brush a few days ago.

My arsehole's red raw, I’m going back to toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4oc8/i_bought_a_toilet_brush_a_few_days_ago/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4ha5/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_on/
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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project,

they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin\-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4fcn/when_nasa_was_preparing_for_the_apollo_project/
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There are 10 types of people in this world:

Those who can understand binary and those who cannot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4d7c/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Husband: I'm leaving you for another woman.

Wife: Who is she??
Husband: That's what I can't wait to find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4cmx/husband_im_leaving_you_for_another_woman/
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Why do fishermen get so many views on YouTube?

Clickbait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4cl9/why_do_fishermen_get_so_many_views_on_youtube/
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If the space between a woman's natural breasts is called "cleavage,"...

Then the space between a woman's fake breasts must be the Silicone Valley?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l4b66/if_the_space_between_a_womans_natural_breasts_is/
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Arguing with a woman...

is like reading a software license agreement... in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l487e/arguing_with_a_woman/
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When I get undressed in the bathroom,

The shower gets turned on (;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l44iu/when_i_get_undressed_in_the_bathroom/
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I'm the leader of a group of shoddy private investigators.

I'm a directive defective detective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l43yj/im_the_leader_of_a_group_of_shoddy_private/
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I've never felt more like a dummy ...

Than when I found out my proctologist is also a ventriloquist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l42dq/ive_never_felt_more_like_a_dummy/
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What do conservative beavers build?

Darns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l41ww/what_do_conservative_beavers_build/
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What do Daredevil and Scarlet Which have in common?

They both lost their vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l41sd/what_do_daredevil_and_scarlet_which_have_in_common/
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My name's Mike Doe, and this is my story.

Hey, my name’s Mike Doe, and this is my story. I had a friend in college, my freshman roommate, who was always talking about his family. His name was Robert Gooding, and he must’ve had a family tree that started from Adam and Eve. Every single day he would drone on and on about some cousin or uncle or some such. He would always burst into the room saying things like, “Hey Mike! You’ll never guess Uncle Nate and Aunt Ridley are doing in Taiwan for the orphans this week!” I remember him talking about how Dimitri, his mother’s grandfather’s nephew’s son, which is apparently what second cousin once removed means, had resolved a tense hostage situation in Iran. And how cool Auntie Pauline (actually a distant cousin) was for working on top secret stuff with the CIA. I always tried to be patient with him and at least pretended to listen and nod at his stories. They never seemed to be about the same people. Sometimes he’d mention something that was actually funny or interesting too so it wasn’t always bad.
Good old rambling Robert. He picked up that nickname within a couple weeks of starting school--I don’t think he liked it much. He didn’t make many friends because he could never stop talking about his own family. Sometimes I think that I was the only one he could talk to who wouldn’t start running after five minutes. I’m not going to lie though. Back then I endeavored to be out of the room most of the day to avoid his ramblings. However no matter how late I came back, he was always up and ready to tell me something new about his family’s latest adventures.
There was this one time that was different though. On a day close to the end of our first semester together, he suddenly stopped his rambling and stared at me with a really serious expression. The abrupt lack of background noise startled me from the article I was reading while humoring him, and when I saw his face I thought he must have been angry with me for ignoring him. “You know Michael,” he started as I prepared my apology, “I really appreciate that you listen to my stories every day. I know it must be boring and annoying for you, but you listen anyway and I appreciate that. So I want to promise you something. Us Goodings, we don’t forget stuff like this. We take care of our friends. Just you wait, one day me and the whole family will find a way to thank you.” I shuddered at the thought of having to attend a graduation party with his entire family and hear about all their adventures first hand, but at that moment I realized that Robert was actually a pretty good guy.
Our year together came to an end, and the next year I was assigned a different roommate. Rambling Robert still sent me emails to keep me up to date with all his family happenings for a while, but even those stopped when he decided to transfer out to some college in Washington. I completed my degree in criminal psychology and went on to work as a detective for the DEA for a while. I had a great time there busting drug dealers and cleaning up the streets of my hometown, and my mom was so proud to have a real Officer Doe in the family. I was about 45 years old when they promoted me and had me relocated near the Mexican border to work on the drug traffic coming from the cartels. It was there that I finally met one of Robert’s infamous family members, Randall Gooding. He was my new supervisor, and when I showed up on the first day he greeted me like an old friend. He told me that he recognized my name and background from the stories Robert had told him, and he personally requested that I be sent down. I was surprised that Robert even talked about me, we had only known each other for a year, but it was nice to reminisce about the Goodings again. Randall was just as talkative as Robert was, and we hit it off almost immediately. It felt like I was in college again. His nickname around the office was Rambling Randy, which had me chuckling for at least a day. Robert, it turns out, was doing just fine. He was a doctor now somewhere in Texas, and I was happy that my old friend was able to make such a good life for himself.
Work was good for a few years until the cartel activity started to pick up dramatically. Nobody was sure why but we were suddenly inundated with arrests and busts and all kinds of paper work. Even Randy wasn’t as talkative around this time. It was all supposed to come to a head today. Today we were going to do a massive takedown on a processing plant operating just inside the border. Our undercover agent had uncovered it while posing for a different case so Randy and I took the lead while the rest of the office continued monitoring the other operation. We enlisted the FBI and local SWAT teams for help and I thought everything was going to go smoothly until I got kidnapped right out of the parking lot on my way out of the office last night.
From the time they ripped the rucksack bag off of my head till the first rays of daylight, they questioned me. They were careful. All of them had clown masks on, the hard plastic kind that never quite fit the face right. All of them were wearing gloves and carrying weapons--some had guns, some had various wicked modifications of baseball bats and crowbars. The night was rough. They wanted to know how we found out about them, who we were working with, when the operation was going to go down, and a whole host of other questions. I was patient and waited. I gave them no information and suffered a few broken ribs and some teeth for it. While they were questioning me, I took in my surroundings. I knew from the floor plans I had studied for the bust that I was in the processing plant, specifically in one of the raised offices at the end of the building. I could see the entire plant from the large window on the wall in front of me. I guessed that they did not know about our plans yet, so I contented myself to sit tight and wait for the bust to happen at 10AM.
However, it was around 6AM when I heard the sirens blaring in the distance. Maybe they stepped up the schedule when they found out I was kidnapped, I thought. My captors were awake in an instant and took up the preplanned positions we had predicted. One of the guys carrying what looked like an M16 came cursing into the office where I was being held. After cracking me in the face with the butt of the gun, I felt more than heard him raise the muzzle level with the back of my head. Soon I heard an unfamiliar voice yell over a megaphone giving the normal spiel about being surrounded and to give up. Of course they refused to give up and began to use me as a bargaining chip. Randy’s voice came over the megaphone just before the first officer continued the negotiation, “Mikey! Just wait Mikey! Hang tight and don’t do anything stupid.”
The standoff lasted for hours. If it weren’t for the gun pressed on the nape of my neck, I would have probably passed out from boredom. Eventually things got real quiet. My guard started getting antsy and walked out--probably to check for new orders with his superiors. As soon as he left the room, a hundred glass windows shattered breaking the silence and raining shards of glass down on the main factory floor. White smoke obscured the first floor as tear gas flooded the facility. Shouting and gunfire followed as my captors opened fire. Amid the confusion and smoke I couldn’t tell who was winning. I did hear Randy’s voice at one point yelling orders like, “Dimitri, take the stairs and give Pauline some cover.” None of the officers who were supposed to be with us today were named Dimitri or Pauline. The din began to wither after only a few minutes and unseen officers began yelling, “Clear!” As the smoke dissipated, I expected to see the body armor and face masks of the SWAT teams who were supposed to be part of today’s operation. Instead I saw lots of men and a few women I had never seen before in various uniforms. Some were in army uniforms others were in suits, and there were even a few in civilian clothes. God, did they call the Army and CIA in on this? When Randy saw me, he came running up with one of the suited men who was carrying a bag.
“Mike! Thank God you’re still alive. I’m sorry we made you wait so long, but we had to wait for all the flights to make it before we could move.”
“What? What flights? Randy, what are you talking about?”
“We found out you were kidnapped at about midnight. The team that we were going to use wasn’t trained for hostage situations so I had to improvise. I made some calls around and got as many as I could to come down here. Good thing Nate here happened to have hostage experience. Nobody asked any questions after I brought your name up, we all know you thanks to Robert here.” He motioned at the suited man who was leaning in to assess me.
I frowned at the man and suddenly realized that his bag contained medical supplies. “Robert?” I choked the question out in disbelief. He just gave me a small smile while he continued his work. “You mean to tell me that all of these guys… They’re all your family?”
Robert looked up from where he was examining my jaw with a wry smile, “I told you we don’t forget Mike. All the Goodings come to Doe’s who wait. ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l41ct/my_names_mike_doe_and_this_is_my_story/
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[Bad Joke OC] Why shouldn't you interrupt a debate between cows in a marijuana field?

The steaks are too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l414b/bad_joke_oc_why_shouldnt_you_interrupt_a_debate/
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Want to hear a joke about pee?

Well, urine luck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l3z0u/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_pee/
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What does a pregnant fourteen year old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They’re both thinking, “Shit, my mom is gonna kill me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l3xxo/what_does_a_pregnant_fourteen_year_old_and_the/
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In light of recent discoveries, I made a joke

A conspiracy theorist died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told the conspiracy theorist “You may ask me one question, and I will reply honestly.”
The conspiracy theorist thought for some time and asked “Did Hitler escape death in WWII and move to Argentina, where he still resides today?”
St. Peter replied “no, he committed suicide in Berlin as the Soviet Red Army advanced into the city.”
The conspiracy theorist thought to himself “wow, this goes even deeper than I thought!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l3onp/in_light_of_recent_discoveries_i_made_a_joke/
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Terrorists have kidnapped a senior politician

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped a senior politician, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse him in petrol and set him on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...
The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l3dho/terrorists_have_kidnapped_a_senior_politician/
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What do you call a deer who ran away with her ant lover?

An Antelope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l3cjm/what_do_you_call_a_deer_who_ran_away_with_her_ant/
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A lumber company posts a job opening for a wood identification expert.

One day there is a knock on the door of the office. When the manager opens it there is a man with no arms or legs, and he is wearing dark glasses.
"I am here about the job"
The manager says, "but you have no arms or legs"
"I am also blind," the man replies.
"How can you possibly identify wood?"
"By smell"
The manager is intrigued so he brings in a pine board, and the man identifies it. This is followed by oak, maple, poplar, and other common species. The man nails all of them just from smell.
The manager is determined to stump him, so he brings in exotic species, like purple heart, zebrawood, and pearwood. The guy nails every one of them.
The manager is determined to stump this guy, so he talks to his receptionist and asks her to take off her panties. She comes in quietly and puts her beaver in front of him. The man sniffs and sniffs. He asks the manager to turn the wood over so he can smell the other side. The receptionist repositions and puts her ass in his face.
the man sniffs and sniffs and finally says "AH HA! I have it. This is the shit house door from a tuna boat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l3c05/a_lumber_company_posts_a_job_opening_for_a_wood/
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A farmer walks into his bedroom with a chicken under his arm

He says "look honey, this is the pig I fuck every day before going to sleep". His wife looks at him and says "you moron, that's not a pig."
"I wasn't talking to you," he replies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l3b2h/a_farmer_walks_into_his_bedroom_with_a_chicken/
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No sex since 1955

A crusty old Army Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwords, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Major said, after glancing at his watch,
"Not a big deal; it's only 2130 now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l3843/no_sex_since_1955/
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Why was the guitar player jailed?

He fingered A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l37fh/why_was_the_guitar_player_jailed/
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Kid v barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l32ji/kid_v_barber/
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Emily and the Apache Woman

Emily was driving in her Chevrolet Bolt along the Interstate 17 in Arizona, on her way home to Phoenix.
Suddenly she saw a poor, elderly Apache woman walking very slowly along the side of the highway.
Recognising that this situation was quite dangerous and feeling sorry for the poor woman, Emily pulled over and offered her a lift.
The Apache woman nodded silently in appreciation and climbed into the car.
Naturally Emily tried to engage her in conversation but initially the Apache woman remained silent and she seemed a bit nervous.
However as they progressed along the highway towards Phoenix the woman eventually started to relax a little and then she started to look around.
The old woman was looking closely at everything in the car, apparently studying every detail. Then she noticed a pale blue gift bag on the rear seat behind Emily.
“What’s in the bag?” she asked Emily, almost whispering.
“Oh,” Emily responded warmly, “it’s a bottle of Whiskey that I got for my husband.”
The Apache woman remained silent momentarily and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of someone who’s been around the block a few times, she smiled and said, “Good trade.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l31mr/emily_and_the_apache_woman/
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I took my epileptic girlfriend to a nightclub.

I jokingly told her “This place has rave reviews.” but she just rolled her eyes at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l2yxh/i_took_my_epileptic_girlfriend_to_a_nightclub/
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Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l2pt4/why_did_stephen_hawking_only_eat_meat/
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My proposal for the new state motto of Mississippi was denied.

"We're all one big happy family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l2nl8/my_proposal_for_the_new_state_motto_of/
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What do you call a hooker who teaches other hookers?

A prostitutor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l2l28/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_who_teaches_other/
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Good news and bad news

A company of soldiers have been trudging through tropical jungle for three sweaty, dirty days, on a forced march.
The Captain calls his men to fall in, and says 'I've got some good news and some bad news to tell you.
The good news is, you are all getting a change of underwear.'
'What's the bad news, sir?'
'You have to change with each other.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l27ww/good_news_and_bad_news/
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What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l243q/what_do_you_call_a_midget_psychic_who_just/
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A newlywed couple moved into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.
So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l23dv/a_newlywed_couple_moved_into_their_new_house/
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An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war

He said: "And there was a fucker behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, fuckers everywhere!" The head mistress turned pale and said: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran said: "That may be Madam, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l21h6/an_raf_pilot_from_wwii_goes_to_a_girls_high/
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An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.

He runs to the doctor and asks:
"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"
The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:
"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l20kd/an_chinese_dad_sees_his_newborn_child_and_is/
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Passport control at the airport

-Nationality?
-Russian.
-Occupation?
-No, no, just visiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l1xg0/passport_control_at_the_airport/
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What's the difference between a crummy bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l1v0n/whats_the_difference_between_a_crummy_bus_stop/
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I wanted to name our newborn after my father

but my wife said Dad is a weird name for a baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l1u60/i_wanted_to_name_our_newborn_after_my_father/
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A couple get given some brand new flavoured condoms to use...

They get home after enjoying some alcoholic beverages and decide to play a game.
The husband says to his wife "how about I put one of these new condoms on, you give it a bit of a suck and try and guess the flavour?".
The wife nodded in agreement.
They take off their clothes, jump onto the bed and begin their game.
The wife tenderly begins to give her husband a blowjob, and blurts out
"Oh that one is cheese and onion easily."
The husband replies
"I haven't even put one on yet..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l1qra/a_couple_get_given_some_brand_new_flavoured/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because America's aging infrastructure doesn't adequately provide footbridges or pedestrian underpasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l1nhj/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Can’t milk the old cow

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
Finally the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was bottle-fed it breast-fed.
“Breast-fed”, she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist”, the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said :
“No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk”
“I know” she said. “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l1lv8/cant_milk_the_old_cow/
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Children are like Tumors...

They cost a lot of money to deal with, but eventually they grow on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l1ke7/children_are_like_tumors/
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The Doctor

The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?’
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too…’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l1jtj/the_doctor/
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What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and Jesus?

one is a jpeg and the other is j pegged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l1igr/whats_the_difference_between_a_picture_of_jesus/
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's going to take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l1h1p/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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So the “Wolf of Wall Street” has the f word used 569 times making almost 3 times a minute

That record was broken by my dad this afternoon while trying to assemble an ikea tv stand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l1cky/so_the_wolf_of_wall_street_has_the_f_word_used/
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Muslim Band

I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.
They performed songs like: "Losing my Head over You", "Rocket Launcher Man", "You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!
Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l1apk/muslim_band/
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A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world \- nowhere in the world, you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.
All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..."
Saying that he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it.
Once again, everybody is quite impressed.
At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l17x4/a_russian_a_cuban_an_american_and_a_lawyer_are/
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A man is right in the middle of furiously making love to his wife when suddenly...

A man is right in the middle of furiously making love to his wife when suddenly their 5-year old son walks in. “Mommy, daddy - can we...”  He stares for a moment, wide-eyed, then runs from the room in tears. “Oh boy,” says the dad, “I’d better go find Timmy and have a talk with him.” He goes to Timmy’s room, but Timmy’s not there. He checks the kitchen, living room and the yard. No luck. Finally, he goes to grandma’s room and gently opens the door, only to find grandma on all fours with Timmy full-throttle banging away behind her. Dad gasps in shock and calls out, “What in the hell, Timmy!?” To which Timmy coolly replies, “Not so funny when it’s your mom, is it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l17o7/a_man_is_right_in_the_middle_of_furiously_making/
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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, “This isn’t working. I am leaving, good bye.”

I opened up the fridge and it seems to be working just fine...and she says I’m the stupid one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l17nf/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_saying/
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A man is looking to buy a Canary for his wife...

A man walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet.
He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper."
His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary.
The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.
A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead".
The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks "Filed off too much beak?"
To which the former bird owner replies "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l16ox/a_man_is_looking_to_buy_a_canary_for_his_wife/
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I shrunk my pet bird and made him watch Dirty Jobs

I made my crow watch Mike Rowe while micro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l16h8/i_shrunk_my_pet_bird_and_made_him_watch_dirty_jobs/
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What's Hawaii's state game?

The floor is lava.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l13vq/whats_hawaiis_state_game/
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Did you hear about the sex offender at the Hershey factory?

He stole a Kiss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l0zos/did_you_hear_about_the_sex_offender_at_the/
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NBC is planning a sitcom about the life of Abe Lincoln.

Shot in front of a live studio audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l0yd7/nbc_is_planning_a_sitcom_about_the_life_of_abe/
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A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home

"Sheldon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Sheldon said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l0uyj/a_senior_citizen_called_her_husband_during_his/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for fresh prints!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l0pky/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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Jewish fishmonger

So this man goes to his Jewish fishmonger and says, "All your neighbors praise your smartness and intellect. What's the secret?"  The fishmonger says that he eats 3 fish heads a day. He offers to to  sell the man a fish head for 3 dollars. The man buys 3 fish heads.  Some weeks go by. Then one day the man storms into the fishmongers shop  and exclaims, "You sold my neighbor a whole fish for a dollar and 50  cents. How come you're charging me 3 dollars for a fish head?" The Jew calmly replies, "See, I told you, you're getting smarter already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l0n22/jewish_fishmonger/
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Last week I confused Tinder with Grindr.

It was a real pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l0lsw/last_week_i_confused_tinder_with_grindr/
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A married couple was lying in bed when suddenly an intruder enters.

A married couple was lying in bed one night when suddenly an intruder  breaks in.
He ties the couple up. He begins to look at the couple. First staring at the husband then staring at the wife. He walks over to the wife, leans his head close to hers, pulls back then walks into the bathroom.
While in the bathroom, the husband looks to his wife. “Sweety, this man looks very rough, he is going to rape you, the only way to survive is to not fight him. I love you, be strong.”
The wife looks to her husband and says”When he leaned in he said he just broke out of prison and thought my husband was cute and asked if we had any Vaseline, I told him it was in the bathroom, I love you, be strong.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l0ls8/a_married_couple_was_lying_in_bed_when_suddenly/
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What are prehistoric creatures called when they sleep?

**Dinosnores**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l0lck/what_are_prehistoric_creatures_called_when_they/
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A Higgs Boson walks into a Church

They are aghast.
The priest says, "You!! You claim to be a god particle. Your kind are not allowed here."
HB replies, "Then how do you have mass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l0j37/a_higgs_boson_walks_into_a_church/
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So there was this really hot cashier...

She definitely checked me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l0drz/so_there_was_this_really_hot_cashier/
%
Why did the hipster sweat so much?

He turned on the heating before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l0bz9/why_did_the_hipster_sweat_so_much/
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Your wife & your lawyer are drowning—you have a choice to make

—do you go to lunch or a movie?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l0akk/your_wife_your_lawyer_are_drowningyou_have_a/
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A Man and A Woman Both Collide in A Car Crash.

The man quickly rushes out of his car to help the woman out.
The woman says "Wow, we both got into a car crash yet we both survived. This calls for a celebration."
The man slowly nodded his head in agreement.
The woman takes a bottle of whiskey out of her car trunk, starts pouring whiskey into a glass and says "Let's have a shot to celebrate this miracle."
The man gets excited and helps himself to the whiskey. Soon after, he consumed so much whiskey he passed out.
A few minutes later, the police arrive and wakes up in confusion. The police handcuff him and he asks "Why?? This is a simple misunderstanding. See, the woman and I were both in an accident-"
One of the policemen cut him out and ask him "You mean that woman? She said you were drink-and-driving and after you crashed into her, you rushed out with that bottle of whiskey and tried to kill her"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l0abu/a_man_and_a_woman_both_collide_in_a_car_crash/
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What do you call a flying skunk?

A smelly-copter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l08hf/what_do_you_call_a_flying_skunk/
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What is the first rule of CrossFit?

Always talk about CrossFit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l02qj/what_is_the_first_rule_of_crossfit/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?"
The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender.
Everyone starts to feel a little awkward.
The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself.
Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day.
Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel.
He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are *not* legal tender.
After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in.
The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps.
Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees.
But his two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar.
The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask
"Is this some kind of a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l01mt/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8l01iq/when_is_was_a_kid_mum_used_to_send_me_the_shops/
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What comes after 69?

Mouthwash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzzgm/what_comes_after_69/
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So the Pope is very early for his flight.

He  asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a  while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since  becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so  he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He  pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide.  He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to  radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzwv9/so_the_pope_is_very_early_for_his_flight/
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A married couple is lying in bed one night....

A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes"?
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay".
The husband says, "No, not at all".
His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then"?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzuyg/a_married_couple_is_lying_in_bed_one_night/
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I think my white noise machine is broken...

It keeps making static.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzu4a/i_think_my_white_noise_machine_is_broken/
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I'd make a joke about quick sand...

However, it'd probably take a while to sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzt6z/id_make_a_joke_about_quick_sand/
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There's a new drug called Jesus that a lot of people are injecting, but I've started taking it orally...

I'd never take the Lord's name in vein...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzrtt/theres_a_new_drug_called_jesus_that_a_lot_of/
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My friend has become addicted to brake fluid ...

He claims he can stop anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzrdf/my_friend_has_become_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their 2nd date?

"Nice to meet you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzr0f/how_does_a_girl_greet_bill_cosby_on_their_2nd_date/
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Dear Lord, thank you for these noodles

Ramen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzqi7/dear_lord_thank_you_for_these_noodles/
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Aladdin Banned from Flying Carpet Racing

Sources say for use of Performance Enhancing Rugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzoww/aladdin_banned_from_flying_carpet_racing/
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Dad puts the car in reverse, looks in the rearview mirror and says...

"Ah, that takes me back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzndo/dad_puts_the_car_in_reverse_looks_in_the_rearview/
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Why are Catholic priests always referred to as "father"?

Because "daddy" would make it too obvious...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzmqh/why_are_catholic_priests_always_referred_to_as/
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What starts with 'Wh' and ends with 'at'?

What starts with 'Wh' and ends with 'at'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kziwj/what_starts_with_wh_and_ends_with_at/
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A man walks into a bar, and...

...asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says, "Sure, but only if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke." So the guy says, "A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says, 'Sure, but only if you can tell me a meta joke.' So the guy says, 'A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says sure, but only if you can tell me a joke. So the guy says, What do you do when you see a space man? You park, man. So the bartender gives the guy a free drink.' So the bartender gives the guy a free drink." So the bartender gives the guy a free drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzgoo/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and/
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra

cadabra! he disappears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzgg1/a_dyslexic_man_walks_into_a_bra/
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The Baker

A Baker specializing in making Rye bread is disheartened. He works long hours and while his wages are decent, they are nothing special. He wants to strike it rich and make something of himself.
He hears that a lot of money can be make for trapping in the Canadian wilderness so he sells his bakery and moves to Canada to fulfill his dreams.
Unfortunately it doesn't go as planned. He is making even less money than before. After a while he fears he will not have enough money to feed himself.
He goes to a bar to drown his sorrows, and explains this all to a man at the bar. The Baker asks him what he should do.
I he man says, "if at furs you don't succeed, try rye again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzefp/the_baker/
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A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…

‘Looking for man with these qualifications; won’t beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.’
The next day her door bell rings, looking down on her doorstep was a man with no arms and legs.
He says “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”
She says, “What makes you think you are so great in bed?”
He smiles and says “how do you think I rang your fucking door bell?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzda6/a_woman_posts_an_ad_in_the_news_paper_that_looks/
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Whats the difference between a jew and a canoe?

A canoe tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzch5/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_canoe/
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What are a kidnappers favorite type of shoes?

White Vans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzbhn/what_are_a_kidnappers_favorite_type_of_shoes/
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My girfriends a blow up doll

She takes my breath away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kzafz/my_girfriends_a_blow_up_doll/
%
Why arent chiropractors allowed to start bar tabs at honkey-tonks?

Because chiropractors have been manipulating joints for years...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kyt7j/why_arent_chiropractors_allowed_to_start_bar_tabs/
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I went to a wedding between two antennas

The service wasn’t anything special but the reception was excellent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kysm7/i_went_to_a_wedding_between_two_antennas/
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This woman said she met me in a vegetarian restaurant

But i never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kyqiz/this_woman_said_she_met_me_in_a_vegetarian/
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I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kykck/i_received_a_call_from_the_school_telling_me_my/
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What kind of pictures does Shaun Connery take?

Shelfies
alt. What kind of pictures do fish take?
Shellfies
alt. What do hermit crabs call their utility bills?
Shell Fees
alt. Why did my wife leave me?
I cheated on her
alt. How did she know?
Herpes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kyhwi/what_kind_of_pictures_does_shaun_connery_take/
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Why did Zuckerberg create Facebook?

He couldn't pass the captcha for Myspace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kygcg/why_did_zuckerberg_create_facebook/
%
How do you count cows?

With a cowculator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kyg7n/how_do_you_count_cows/
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Did you know that there’s a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house?

This is due the antelopes unnaturally strong hind legs, and he fact that the average house can’t jump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kyf3a/did_you_know_that_theres_a_species_of_antelope/
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Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kye66/why_did_the_hipster_drown/
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If there's one thing I've learned from sheet music over the years

It's that a long rest just can't be beat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kyabx/if_theres_one_thing_ive_learned_from_sheet_music/
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The word toothbrush originated in West Virginia...

Otherwise it would have been called a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ky9pw/the_word_toothbrush_originated_in_west_virginia/
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Dave from my work retired today, at his retirement party he stepped out for a cigarette and I noticed every body called him Scarecrow, I asked why;

Turns out he was outstanding in the field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ky97m/dave_from_my_work_retired_today_at_his_retirement/
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I showed up to my dentist appointment at 2:21 but my dentist wouldn't see me yet...

He said I needed to wait until tooth hurty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ky7wv/i_showed_up_to_my_dentist_appointment_at_221_but/
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Dont have sex with your cars steering wheel

I did, and its driving me nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ky6wf/dont_have_sex_with_your_cars_steering_wheel/
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Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So that the neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"
Also, so that I can still take her breath away, after all these years...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ky6bg/sometimes_i_hide_my_girlfriends_inhaler/
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My wife always asks me if I'm taking a poo when I go to the bathroom...

But I've never left with more than I went in with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ky61c/my_wife_always_asks_me_if_im_taking_a_poo_when_i/
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On a cold night, during the Korean War, A young lieutenant arrives at a lonely Army camp.....

He was sent to replace the company commander who fell ill. The men greatly liked the old commander and weren't thrilled about getting a new one.. needless to say, the young lieutenant had a hard time fitting in but that didn't stop him from trying.
One night, while doing paper work, he saw several men lead a horse into a nearby tent. He asked the clerk what the were up to. The corporal said, " well, Sir, its lonely out here and sometimes the men get a little.... you know..not having any women around and all." The young lieutenant looked curiously at the corporal but said he understood and nodded his approval.
A few nights later the lieutenant was at his desk again when he told the corporal, "I think I'd like to use the horse; can you cake me to the tent?" the corporal obliged and led the way. At the tent the corporal asked, " ya want me to set her up for ya, sir?" " no, no... I can manage", was the lieutenant's reply as he disappeared into the tent.
The corporal, waiting outside the tent began to hear the horse shrieking wildly and the lieutenant was grunting horribly, he'd never heard anything like it. Shocked at what he heard he asked, " everything going ok in there, Sir?" More grunts and Shrikes was the reply.
After a few moments of this, it was over and the corporal stood shocked as the young lieutenant walked out of the tent. He was sweating and his hair was a mess. As he was buttoning his pants he asked the corporal sheepishly, "so.... is that how the men do it?"
The corporal replied,"No Sir, they usually just ride the horse into town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ky5tr/on_a_cold_night_during_the_korean_war_a_young/
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A man walks into a hotel restaurant...

and when he sits down he sees a woman sitting at a  table alone.
Then, the woman sneezes, and a glass eye come hurling out of her eye socket.
The man snatches it out of mid air and hands it back to her.
"Thank you." The woman said. "God, this must be so embarrassing, let me make it up to you by buying you dinner."
They start eating and after a few minutes of silence they get talking. They soon find out they have a lot in common.
After getting the woman's number the man says, "You know, you're the most charming person I've ever met. Are you this nice to everyone?"
She replies, "No, you just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ky27i/a_man_walks_into_a_hotel_restaurant/
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Two windmills are on a date.

They're having a great time and really talking it up. The steak at the restaurant is incredible, and they couldn't be having a better time. So, eventually, one of the windmills asks, "hey, what kind of music are you into?" The other windmill responds--
"I'm a big heavy metal fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ky27c/two_windmills_are_on_a_date/
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Ever since my wife has been seeing a therapist, we're having sex much more often.

My wife says it's because the therapist has helped her appreciate the little things in life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ky0pz/ever_since_my_wife_has_been_seeing_a_therapist/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kxxka/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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Why does Donald Trump need anxiety medication?

To prevent hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kxx6e/why_does_donald_trump_need_anxiety_medication/
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kxuyu/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
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Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?

Because someone told him to get a long little doggie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kxt0x/why_did_the_cowboy_get_a_dachshund/
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What does a dildo and a selfie stick have in common?

There is always a cunt on the other end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kxqmi/what_does_a_dildo_and_a_selfie_stick_have_in/
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I saw a sign which made me shit my pants

It said "bathroom out of order"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kxnky/i_saw_a_sign_which_made_me_shit_my_pants/
%
A man walks into a bar and takes a seat

Gets arrested for theft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kxg1w/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat/
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What did the Alabama cop say about the black man shot 16 times?

Worst case of suicide I've ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kxdp9/what_did_the_alabama_cop_say_about_the_black_man/
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You can easily make money by collecting helium and selling it for a dollar per pound.

No weight, that doesn't make any cents...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kxc94/you_can_easily_make_money_by_collecting_helium/
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What did the teenage boys right leg say to the left leg?

Hey look! The little ones growing a beard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kx2jq/what_did_the_teenage_boys_right_leg_say_to_the/
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What do you call a gun made fully from concrete?

An asphalt rifle
Solid joke right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kwv4i/what_do_you_call_a_gun_made_fully_from_concrete/
%
I wish I could see what it was like to be fat for just one day.

I'm tired of being fat every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kwuob/i_wish_i_could_see_what_it_was_like_to_be_fat_for/
%
My wife gave me a “get better soon” card

I’m not sick, she just thinks I really need to step my game up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kwsrl/my_wife_gave_me_a_get_better_soon_card/
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The funeral. Oops.

A funeral service was held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall.
They heard a faint moan. They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive.  So she lives for 10 more years and then dies.  At that time, another funeral was held for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carriedout the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kwsmr/the_funeral_oops/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of hundred dollar bills...

Guy asks the bartender, "What's the jar of hundred dollar bills for?"
Bartender says "Can't tell you until you've put in the cash."
Guy has a few beers, starts feeling ballsy, so he puts in the money.
Bartender tells him "So you can win this jar of bills, easily 10 grand, but you have to do 3 things. First, you have to down this whole bottle of tequila without changing your facial expression. Next, there's an angry pitbull outside with a bad tooth, you have to pull it out. Lastly, there's an old granny upstairs who hasn't been pleased in years. You need to give her the best time of her life."
Guy says "That'll be no problem." He grabs the bottle and starts chugging. He doesn't move even an eyelash. He's hammered at this point so he stumbles outside.
The bartender hears some barking, some whining, some whimpering, and then 5 minutes of silence.
The guy stumbles back into the bar and asks "So where's the granny with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kwqse/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_jar_of_hundred/
%
Which number farted?

Two did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kwlrb/which_number_farted/
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A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbi were at a cafe, having a discussion...

when an old man walks up to them. "Excuse me, you shepherds of faith, but I've been told I'm going to die soon, and I'm worried I won't be able to take my riches with me. But I want to help out your causes as well, so I figure you can help me. I've never been a man of faith, but to cover my bets, I'm going to give each of you 2 million dollars in cash. I want each of you to put 1 million dollars in an envelope, and put it in my coffin at my funeral. You can keep the other million for your charities. Do we have a deal?" All 3 know they could use the money for good, so they agree.
Sure enough, within a week, they get the news that the man had died, and all are invited to his funeral.
First, the Imam walks up to the coffin. "Dear child , I know you wanted a full million, but I have to think of what good this could do people. We'll split this million 50/50" - and he leaves an envelope with half a million and walks away.
Then, the Priest walks up to the coffin. "My son, I know you said you wanted a million to take with you, but I know you can't have it all. I can do so much good with this - 250,000 should be plenty for you." And the Priest leaves an envelope with 250,000 dollars in the coffin, and walks away.
Finally, the Rabbi takes his turn at the coffin. He immediately looks down, and while no one can see, he counts the money left by the other two. "Shame, shame. This man was already so generous, and my brothers in faith dishonored him by not leaving his full amount. I will make up for their lack of honesty personally, and make sure you are made whole on this bargain, my son!" - and the Rabbi puts the envelopes left by the Imam and the Priest into his pocket, and drops a check written for 3 million dollars into the coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kwhf5/a_priest_an_imam_and_a_rabbi_were_at_a_cafe/
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I clean my kids’ aquariums but they don’t appreciate it...

It’s a case of “tanks but no thanks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kwgm4/i_clean_my_kids_aquariums_but_they_dont/
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Did you hear about the mathematician that had a fear of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kwc1p/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_that_had_a/
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I think I'm Transgender...

... It's not important, I just felt like Sharon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kw4we/i_think_im_transgender/
%
I'll never forget what my grandmother said to me before she died.

"Are you still holding that fucking ladder?!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kw4qz/ill_never_forget_what_my_grandmother_said_to_me/
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What did the teenage tornado say to his parents?

Nothing. He just stormed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kw1wq/what_did_the_teenage_tornado_say_to_his_parents/
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Mountains aren’t funny.

They’re hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kw1v9/mountains_arent_funny/
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By Legalizing Same-Sex Marriage and Cannabis, We Finally Interpreted the Bible Correctly

“**A man who lays with another man should be stoned.**” [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kw1c9/by_legalizing_samesex_marriage_and_cannabis_we/
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What do you call an aquatic pleasure trip to Jerusalem?

A cruiseade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kw0s2/what_do_you_call_an_aquatic_pleasure_trip_to/
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Why do alcoholics go to the doctor

For the shots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kvzv8/why_do_alcoholics_go_to_the_doctor/
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A dwarf was kicked out of a nudist colony for being too curious.

Apparently he was putting his nose in everyone's business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kvydd/a_dwarf_was_kicked_out_of_a_nudist_colony_for/
%
My dog is an asshole, and one of 12 puppies.

He’s the cunt of the litter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kvw6x/my_dog_is_an_asshole_and_one_of_12_puppies/
%
A blonde was looking for some odd jobs...

A blonde decides to do some odd jobs around the neighborhood and walks up to the first house. A man answers the door and tells her she can paint the porch if she wants. The blonde says sure and asks what he thinks a fair price would be. The man reply's $50. After the blonde agrees to it the man tells her the paint is in the garage.  After overhearing the conversation the man's wife asks "she knows the porch goes all the way around the house right?" the man says "she should she was standing on it."
A short time later the blonde comes back and asks for the money. The man says "I am impressed you did it so fast"  to which the blonde replied ya I even had some paint left over so I gave it two coats." The man is very upset with what he saw. "by the way" the blonde states "that's a Ferrari, not a porch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kvj9u/a_blonde_was_looking_for_some_odd_jobs/
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I'm the first person to ever have a real clone

At least that's what I tell myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kvhk1/im_the_first_person_to_ever_have_a_real_clone/
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It's so hot outside that I almost called my ex.

So I could be around something shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kvh14/its_so_hot_outside_that_i_almost_called_my_ex/
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What did the Sphinx say when Oedipus answered his riddle?

"Motherfucker!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kvgzx/what_did_the_sphinx_say_when_oedipus_answered_his/
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What do atheists say to God?

You're unbelievable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kve1p/what_do_atheists_say_to_god/
%
I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons.

He denied it but I’m sticking to my guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kvd44/i_accused_my_friend_of_pouring_glue_on_my_weapons/
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Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?

The Trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kvcpk/minorities_play_the_race_card_women_play_the/
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Monday: Greg Tuesday: Ian Wednesday: Greg Thursday: Ian Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kvcnz/monday_greg_tuesday_ian_wednesday_greg_thursday/
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Alanis sets out to Vegas on her annual gambling trip.

On arrival, she heads straight to her usual Blackjack table, where she's greeted by the croupier, "Welcome back Mrs. Terr. The usual loan, I assume?"
She nods and he hands her $10,000 in chips.
After an hour, she's down to $20.
The croupier asks, "Same again, Mrs. Terr?", she nods and he hands over another $10,000 in chips.
After 30 minutes, she's blown the lot.
Again the croupier hands over another $10,000.
All night long, she burrows thousands upon thousands of dollars and loses it all, yet the croupier just keeps giving her loan after loan.
One of the casino guest's notices what's happening and approaches the croupier... "I'd like a loan of $10,000 please".
"I'm afraid we can't just hand out money to anyone Sir", says the croupier
"But, you've been giving that woman bundles of chips all night!" He says, pointing at Alanis.
"Ah, but you see... Alanis Terr always pays her debts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kvb5l/alanis_sets_out_to_vegas_on_her_annual_gambling/
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A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins

.
They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.
The Christian draws a circle and says, “We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.”
The Muslim says, “No no no. Whatever lands outside the circle we keep.”
The Jew says, “How about we throw it in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps, and whatever falls to the ground we keep.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kv7sx/a_jew_a_christian_and_a_muslim_find_a_pile_of/
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One day a cop pulls a van over...

One day a cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.
The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"
The man Says "yes, they are my pets."
The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."
So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten pengins all wearing sunglasses.
The cop says to the man "I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo."
The man says "I did, today we are going to the beach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kv6hx/one_day_a_cop_pulls_a_van_over/
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I like my women the same as I like my coffee...

Silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kv4r5/i_like_my_women_the_same_as_i_like_my_coffee/
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I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kv4je/i_invited_my_girlfriend_to_go_to_the_gym_with_me/
%
I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kv3sr/i_murdered_the_pizza_delivery_man_for_messing_up/
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What’s the opposite of Social Justice Warrior?

A Status Quosader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kv3pv/whats_the_opposite_of_social_justice_warrior/
%
Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone?

He couldn’t find the Droid he was looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kv0xo/why_did_the_storm_trooper_buy_an_iphone/
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Three crazys try to escape a mental hospital

when they suddenly notice a guard
Fearing that he might hear his footsteps, the first crazy says meow
The guard thinks it's a cat and doesn't bat an eye
The second guy does the same and the guard again doesn't bat an eye
When it's third guy's turn he says
"I am also a cat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kv0k5/three_crazys_try_to_escape_a_mental_hospital/
%
When Adolf Hitler gets angry and leaves...

Is he taking his ball and going home?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kuxol/when_adolf_hitler_gets_angry_and_leaves/
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If I had a dollar for every gender

I’d have 2 dollars and a pocket full of counterfeits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kuqgq/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
My friend wasn’t sure which Asian restaurant he liked better

He said it was a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kuk9k/my_friend_wasnt_sure_which_asian_restaurant_he/
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My wife told me to go an get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kuf3g/my_wife_told_me_to_go_an_get_some_pills_that_help/
%
Why did the brewery keep rabbits on hand?

So they could add the hops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ku7de/why_did_the_brewery_keep_rabbits_on_hand/
%
I like my women like I like my sharpies.

Expensive and don't work when you need them to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ku46q/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_sharpies/
%
Have you heard about the new movie set in a post apocalyptic world where the proletariat control the means of production?

They're calling it Mad Marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ku40f/have_you_heard_about_the_new_movie_set_in_a_post/
%
An metropolitan Police officer gets demoted to Traffic duty in the middle of nowhere...

He’s furious about it. He sits in his car at the side of the highway, mumbling to himself angrily about his demotion, until he finally snaps. He turns on his lights and pulls over the first car that passes him. Slamming his door behind him, he marches up to the car and pounds on the window.
The driver of the car rolls down the window. “What seems to be the problem, officer?”.
“Get out!” the police officer yells, “And keep your hands up behind your head!”.
Quite taken aback by the officer’s aggression, the man gets out of his car as the police officer draws a circle with his finger in the dust on the floor. “Stand inside that circle, and don’t move until I tell you to!”
The man continues to comply and stands in the circle. The police officer stomps up to the man’s car, and pulls off the wing mirror. He smashes it onto the floor and stamps it into the ground. He turns to look at the man, who is staring patiently back at him. Letting out a sigh of anger, the police officer takes his car keys and drags them along all the car doors, leaving scratches all over the car. He turns back to look at the man, who’s now trying to suppress a smile. The police officer grits his teeth as he pulls out his baton, and proceeds to smash in all the car’s windows and dent every part of the body. The man is giggling quietly now, and the police officer is seething with fury. He turns back to the car, lights a match, opens the fuel tank and drops it in. The car bursts into flames with a boom as shards of metal fly everywhere, and a mushroom cloud of black smoke and ash rises from the charred wreckage of the car. The officer turns his piercing stare back to the man, who immediately bursts into hysterical laughter.
“What the hell is wrong with you?! I just completely destroyed your car!” The police officer bellows.
The man replies between bouts of laughter, “I stepped out of the circle when you weren’t looking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ku2b8/an_metropolitan_police_officer_gets_demoted_to/
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The Pirate, the Parrot and the Genie

A pirate ship went down in a storm, and only one pirate managed to make it to a lifeboat. His parrot survived too, flew over and perched on his shoulder. The pirate was glad that he didn't drown, but knew that he wouldn't survive long without food and water. But most of all, he wouldn't survive without his precious rum to drink. He started rummaging through the debris at the bottom of the lifeboat looking for rum.
He picked up one bottle, and rubbed the dirt off the label to read it. Suddenly, a magnificent genie emerged from the bottle. "Oh, my savior," the genie said, "You have rescued me from centuries of bondage. In return, I will grant you any one wish \-\- whatever your heart desires."
The pirate, somewhat impulsively, blurted out "I wish the WHOLE SEA was rum instead of water!"  With a wave of his hand, the genie turned the entire sea, all the way to the horizon and beyond, into rum. The genie then nodded his head and disappeared.
The parrot looked around, then turned to the pirate and said "Way to go, genius. Now we have to pee in the boat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ku1wv/the_pirate_the_parrot_and_the_genie/
%
What did the drummer call his 2 daughters

Anna one, Anna two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ktz7n/what_did_the_drummer_call_his_2_daughters/
%
What is the difference between a failed jewel thief and a man who performed a sex change on himself?

One of them managed to pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ktyjn/what_is_the_difference_between_a_failed_jewel/
%
A wise old man walks out his door one morning to sip his coffee and take in the dawn of a new day.

As he adjusts his view towards the street he sees a boy pulling a wagon with something in it in the direction of town.
He addresses the boy and asks "young man, what do you have in your wagon this morning?".
The boy replies "it's chicken wire sir."
Man "well what are you going to do with it?"
Boy "I'm gonna catch some chickens."
Man "that's not how you catch chickens."
The boy smiles and continues on his way.
Later that afternoon he sees the boy coming back with a number of chickens tangled up in the chicken wire.
The next morning he sees the boy again with many rolls of duck/duct tape in his wagon.
The man quips "let me guess sonny. You're gonna catch some ducks?"
The boy answers back "yes sir.".
Again that afternoon the man sees the kid returning home with a number of ducks wrapped up haphazardly in duct tape stacked into his wagon.
He shakes his head in bewilderment.
On the third day he sees the young man with his wagon in tow, but this time there are a bunch of tree branches in it.
"What are you taking with you today?" the old man asks.
The boy retorts "I got me some pussywillow trimmings."
The old man immediately hollers to the lad
"well hold on one minute. Let me get my hat and coat, I'm going with you!"...
(cue rim shot)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ktxk7/a_wise_old_man_walks_out_his_door_one_morning_to/
%
What do you call barnyard fowl staring at lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.
My wife and daughter made up this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ktw5u/what_do_you_call_barnyard_fowl_staring_at_lettuce/
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What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ktv5c/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar...

...and asks the bartender "Do you serve food here?"  And the bartender says "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ktslx/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a joke and 3 dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ktg5y/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_3_dicks/
%
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife.

His wife asked me, “How many rolls would you like?” I said, "I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite." So I said, "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid fucking whore".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ktfr2/i_was_having_dinner_with_my_boss_and_his_wife/
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What do you call a person who graduated bottom of his class at medical school?

A doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ktf8s/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_graduated_bottom_of/
%
I've worked in a masochistic shop for years.

It's painfully boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ktdvl/ive_worked_in_a_masochistic_shop_for_years/
%
What happens when you put guacamole in a zip-loc bag?

It suffocados.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ktcmf/what_happens_when_you_put_guacamole_in_a_ziploc/
%
Daffy Duck is at a convention

...and a groupie comes back to his hotel room and things start to get a bit hot and heavy, and after a while she says to Daffy, "Say, do you have any... you know, *protection*?"
And Daffy says "No, I kinda forgot to bring any, but that's OK, I'll just call reception," and he picks up the phone and taps the number and says, "Hello, room three one two here, would you kindly send a condom up straight away?"
And the receptionist checks the room number and says, "Certainly, anything for you sir, and would you like me to put it on your bill?"
And Daffy shrieks "*What do you take me for, a fucking pervert*?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ktccp/daffy_duck_is_at_a_convention/
%
What did the right pussy lip say to the left pussy lip?

We used to be tight until you let the dick come between us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ktbjr/what_did_the_right_pussy_lip_say_to_the_left/
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Why did hitler commit suicide?

He took a look at his gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ktai3/why_did_hitler_commit_suicide/
%
SMS

I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kta3q/sms/
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My sex life just got a whole lot better...

Frontier increased my download speed from 1.5Mbs to 15.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kt69p/my_sex_life_just_got_a_whole_lot_better/
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Don’t Kiss!

Wife: "Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kt4jp/dont_kiss/
%
There once was a plumber from Lea

Who was plumbing a girl by the sea
She said "Stop with your plumbing, I think someone's coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing "It's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kt3hc/there_once_was_a_plumber_from_lea/
%
Why is the most difficult phrase to pronounce if you have a lisp?

"I love you"
Source: my father has a lisp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kt2q8/why_is_the_most_difficult_phrase_to_pronounce_if/
%
Australians don’t have sex...

They mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kt1rx/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kt0sq/fantastic_ocean_life_facts_the_blue_whale_is_by/
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Buddy is down to the final interview of finally realizing his lifelong dream of becoming an FBI Agent...

It’s down to him and 2 other candidates. The three candidates sit in a room together waiting to be called in for the final interview. The first candidate goes in only to reappear minutes later upset and storms out muttering something about “taking things too far”. The second candidate goes in, again only to reappear minutes later visibly shaken and yelling “you guys are nuts”. Buddy is  confused - what could possibly be going on in there. After a few minutes he is called in. The man across the desk explains that the FBI is built on undying loyalty to the FBI - period. To that end he explains that they have brought in the mans wife and that she is in the next room - next he slides a revolver across the desk and orders him to go in and shoot and kill her. Without hesitation Buddy grabs the gun and heads into the other room. From the office 3 shots can be heard - followed by an audible struggle and chocking. The interviewer and 2 FBI agents rush into the room to see what is going on. Upon opening the door they witness Buddy strangling his wife with his bare hands. The Interviewer yells “what the hell are you doing” - Buddy replies “the gun you gave me was loaded with blanks so I’m strangling the bitch”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kt0mz/buddy_is_down_to_the_final_interview_of_finally/
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Three dead guys approach the gate to heaven.

The gatekeeper says “sorry guys, were pretty packed. We can only accept the one of you with the saddest death.” The gatekeeper points to the first guy. “How did you die?”
“Well, I was fooling around with this girl I met at a bar, when all the sudden this big buff guy walked in and was *furious.* He picked me up my my hair, dragged me over to the balcony, and threw me off. I landed in a pool, and thought I had actually survived. But just as I thought that, I looked up, and a refrigerator fell down onto me and killed me.”
“That’s pretty sad. How about you?” He asked, pointing to the guy in the middle.
“Well, I had just finished my morning workout routine, and came home to cook my wife some breakfast. But when I walked in, I found her in my bed with another guy! I was furious. I grabbed the guy by his hair, dragged him over to the balcony, and threw him off of it. Then, in my fit of rage, I managed to lift my refrigerator, walk over to the balcony, and throw it down. The stress that refrigerator put on my body was too much, though, and I immediately suffered a heart attack and died on the spot.”
“Wow, that’s *really* sad. How about you?” He asks, pointing to the last guy.
“Long story short, don’t hide in refrigerators.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksybo/three_dead_guys_approach_the_gate_to_heaven/
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Carjacking

An elderly woman did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad. The woman, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail.
And then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant, to whom she told the story, nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksxo2/carjacking/
%
Little boy in a sandbox

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose".
And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kswvw/little_boy_in_a_sandbox/
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Its crazy how some people die after having a stroke, but others just lose a bodily function and are otherwise okay..

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kswuy/its_crazy_how_some_people_die_after_having_a/
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Asians are so bad at driving..

That I think Pearl Harbor was an accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksvp7/asians_are_so_bad_at_driving/
%
Three women go out to a nightclub to see male dancers

One of the women wants to impress the others, so she pulls out a $10 bill and waves the dancer over. She licks the $10 bill and sticks it to his left buttock  Not to be outdone, the second woman pulls out a $20 bill, licks it, and slaps it on the other cheek. The dancer looks down at the third woman and raises his eyebrows. Thinking for a minute, she reaches into her purse. She pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down the crack, grabs the $30 and goes home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksur0/three_women_go_out_to_a_nightclub_to_see_male/
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I like my women like i like my coffee.

Iced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksujq/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
What do we want?!?

Low flying airplane noises.
When do we want them?
NNEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksu9c/what_do_we_want/
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Wich sexual position leads to ugly children?

I don't know either, ask your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksu3g/wich_sexual_position_leads_to_ugly_children/
%
A police officer goes to a farm with a search warrant...

He shows the farmer the search warrant and tells him that he has the order to search for something unusual on the farm.
The farmer is confused and asks him: "Why here on my farm? Did something happen?"
The police officer just answers: "I am not allowed to tell you but I am allowed to search on your whole farm because I have a search warrant."
The farmer is still confused but he agrees. He just wants to tell the officer: "Ok, but don't look in the barn because..."
The officer interrupts him and says angrily: "I just told you that I have a search warrant and I am allowed to go EVERYWHERE on your farm."
The farmer answers: "Yeah but really don't go in the barn because of..."
The officer interrupts him again and shouts: "I HAVE A SEARCH WARRANT AND I AM ALLOWED TO GO EVERYWHERE ON YOUR FARM, EVEN IN THE BARN!"
The farmer stays quiet.
The officer heads directly to the barn.
5 minutes later the police officer runs out of the barn and a big bull is chasing him. He shouts to the farmer: "DO SOMETHING! HELP ME!"
The farmer shouts back: "SHOW IT YOUR SEARCH WARRANT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kstz1/a_police_officer_goes_to_a_farm_with_a_search/
%
A weasel walks into a bar...

The bartender says  "Wow, in all my time bartending I've never had a weasel come in. What can I get you?"
"Pop", goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksrdh/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksrbu/what_do_you_call_a_gay_driveby/
%
What does a magician working in a morgue say?

Abracadaver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksqpl/what_does_a_magician_working_in_a_morgue_say/
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Me: Can I get XL shirts here?

Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksnvx/me_can_i_get_xl_shirts_here/
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I like my coffee like I like my men...

Not at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksnvs/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_men/
%
Two police officers were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

1st officer: So how was he killed?
2nd officer: With a golf gun.
1st officer: A golf gun? What the hell's that?
2nd officer: I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksn4i/two_police_officers_were_investigating_the_murder/
%
A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend...

at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksm1f/a_teenage_girl_was_having_sex_with_her_boyfriend/
%
What's black, white, and comfortable to sit on?

A cowch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kskk1/whats_black_white_and_comfortable_to_sit_on/
%
What do you call a women with one leg longer than the other?

Eileen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kshx3/what_do_you_call_a_women_with_one_leg_longer_than/
%
Usain Bolt did the 100m in 9.63 seconds..

I can't do anything that quick!
It took me 10 seconds to watch him run it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksgzp/usain_bolt_did_the_100m_in_963_seconds/
%
Why do sharks circle around people before eating them?

Because they taste better without the shit in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksgfb/why_do_sharks_circle_around_people_before_eating/
%
Why did the gold go to jail?

It made contact with a miner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksfro/why_did_the_gold_go_to_jail/
%
A blind man walked into a bar...

...and a table, and a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksesx/a_blind_man_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the guy that was frozen to absolute zero?

He's 0K now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksdhd/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_was_frozen_to/
%
I have a friend who can jump higher than an average house.

He's really tall, and also an average house can't really jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ksc5i/i_have_a_friend_who_can_jump_higher_than_an/
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My friend asked me to stop using contractions...

I can't and I won't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ks84e/my_friend_asked_me_to_stop_using_contractions/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Yanny
Laurel who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ks7aq/knock_knock/
%
I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome." He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ks75d/i_held_the_door_open_for_an_old_japanese_man_and/
%
What's the difference between a school shooting and a royal wedding?

A royal wedding doesn't happen every week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ks3bv/whats_the_difference_between_a_school_shooting/
%
A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**
Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.
The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.
Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”
“Yeah.” the chicken replies.
Again, he points to the sign: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**
The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”
The bartender moves his pointed finger from the sign to the window.
“There’s another bar across the road.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ks30y/a_priest_rabbi_and_atheist_walk_into_a_bar_and/
%
Why did the Muslim tailor make so many veils?

It's hijab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ks29h/why_did_the_muslim_tailor_make_so_many_veils/
%
Toilet Paper

A Native American Medicine Man walks into a drugstore one day to buy supplies for his tribe.  Having walked to the toilet paper section, the medicine man notices alongside the name brands there was a package of toilet paper that had no logo or anything on it.  Inquiring about it, the clerk said that it was the store's attempt to break into the market itself by making and selling its own, and that they were running a special and a contest to come up with a name for the new brand.  Owing to its cheap price, the medicine man buys the pack and leaves.  A week later, he comes back to the store with the pack half emptied.  He walks up to the clerk, throws the remnant onto the desk, and says "I think you should name this toilet paper John Wayne.  It's rough, it's tough, and it don't take no crap from Indians!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ks18v/toilet_paper/
%
What do ISIS members like to play in their spare time?

Bomberman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8krr9f/what_do_isis_members_like_to_play_in_their_spare/
%
An old blind man walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls silent. In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "before you tell that joke, i think it's only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if i'm gonna have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8krmqo/an_old_blind_man_walks_into_an_allgirl_biker_bar/
%
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.
Man started sobbing and said, "bro, you take anything you want. You can kill me if you want to. But please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “Man, you really love your wife!!”
Man:  “No, mine will arrive shortly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8krl8y/a_thief_entered_a_house_midafternoon/
%
7, 11 and 13 walk into a bar

7 turns to 11 and 13 and says, "This is a prime example of how odd we are!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8krl4e/7_11_and_13_walk_into_a_bar/
%
You know what happens when you give a politician Viagra?

He gets taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kriw5/you_know_what_happens_when_you_give_a_politician/
%
Did you hear about a guy thrown in to a prison for refusing to take a nap?

He was resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8krgxo/did_you_hear_about_a_guy_thrown_in_to_a_prison/
%
A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off". The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?". To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kreiv/a_mathematician_and_an_engineer_agreed_to_take/
%
Hear that Bruce Lee had a vegetarian son?

Brock Lee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8krcht/hear_that_bruce_lee_had_a_vegetarian_son/
%
One day, Rihanna has amnesia and can't remember anything. She's asked, "What do you think of Chris Brown?"

She replies: "Beats me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8krb8l/one_day_rihanna_has_amnesia_and_cant_remember/
%
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kr54a/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
%
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

I mean it was pretty bad at first, but by the end I started liking it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kr4uz/i_just_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome/
%
A guy at a golf course meets another guy with a big silver case......

..curious, he asks his new friend what’s in there.
“I’m a high end assassin, this is my rifle, I charge £5,000 per bullet”
“Wow can I see?”
So the assassin hands the guy the super powerful scope and says “see what you think”
As he looks through the scope he sees his house “wow this is good my house is 2 miles away”
As his hand gets steadier “hey there’s my wife in the window, naked..... and my brother.....THAT CHEATING BITCH....I’ll take 2 bullets, shoot her in the head so she goes quickly, shoot his cock off so he knows pain”
So the assassin sets up and takes aim, he is super steady at first but then starts moving the rifle a little left to right repeatedly
“What are you doing” asks the customer
“Trying to save you £5,000”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kr4di/a_guy_at_a_golf_course_meets_another_guy_with_a/
%
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?

Deaf Defying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kr46z/what_do_you_call_an_old_person_with_really_good/
%
Courtyard

My coworker wouldn’t shut up about the Courtyard hotel he stayed at
I told him if you love it so much, why don’t you Marriot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kr19r/courtyard/
%
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One SHUCKS between FITS...and one FUCKS between SHITS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kr12h/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
%
Husband comes home from his doctors appointment...

Wife: and, what did the doctor said?
Husband: I have a body of a 20 year old!
Wife: and what about that 50 year old big, fat ass?
Husband: oh... We didnt talked about you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kr0tz/husband_comes_home_from_his_doctors_appointment/
%
A man finds another man with his wife in bed. In a fit of rage, he shoots him.

The wife says, “Keep it up and you’ll lose all your friends”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kqyd4/a_man_finds_another_man_with_his_wife_in_bed_in_a/
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A priest is transferred to Chile

A small town priest was recently transferred to Chile in order to help out a fairly prominent church. Since the priest had originally come from a small town, the Bishop decided to make himself available in case the new priest needed any assistance.
During his first week, the new priest was scheduled to host confession, so the members of the church could come and confess their sins.
During the priest's first confession, a young girl approached him and explained that she was distraught because she had been cheating on her boyfriend with somebody she met on the internet. The new priest had never given absolution for this before, and rushed to find the bishop to seek advice on what penance to give the young lady. After finding the bishop in the sacristy and explaining the situation, the bishop advised the new priest to have the girl say 10 Hail Mary's and 1 Our Father in order to absolve her sins.
A few confessions later, the priest found himself in another unknown situation. A man came in saying that he had hit his wife for burning dinner, but admitted it was only because he was so stressed because of work. Again, the priest found himself without response as he never dealt with situations like this in his prior small town church, so he rushed to find the Bishop. The Bishop told the priest to have the man say 20 Hail Mary's and 5 Our Father's to repent for his sin.
Feeling more confident, the new priest continued confessions for a few hours. But once again, found himself in the same situation. A woman came to confession and told the priest that she had been giving oral sex to a man to whom she was not married. Again, the new priest rushed to find the Bishop, but instead he came across an Altar Boy in the sacristy.
Having no other option, the new priest frantically asked the altar boy "Excuse me, I cannot find the Bishop and I have a question. Do you know what the Bishop usually gives for Oral Sex?"
"Usually a Snickers" responds the Altar Boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kqxcw/a_priest_is_transferred_to_chile/
%
Why was 8 scared of 7?

Because 7 was a 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kqwqy/why_was_8_scared_of_7/
%
First date.

He: I work with animals every day!
Her:  Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?
He: I am a butcher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kqvmh/first_date/
%
The cool thing about being a test tube baby...

You get a womb with a view.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kqvgw/the_cool_thing_about_being_a_test_tube_baby/
%
I really wanted to have an abortion joke.

But I decided to let it go... don't worry it wasn't fully developed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kqocg/i_really_wanted_to_have_an_abortion_joke/
%
I had to quit my job as a butcher.

I backed into the meat grinder and got behind in my work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kqlvd/i_had_to_quit_my_job_as_a_butcher/
%
A young boy enters a barber shop...

The barber whispers to a customer, "this is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch this". The barber puts two quarters in one hand, and a dollar in the other, then calls the boy over and asks which one he wants. The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" says the barber, "the kid never learns!"
Later, the customer sees the same boy leaving an ice cream shop. "Hey kid! Can I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters and not the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kqihq/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
%
A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed

. A big guy comes in and walks over to the man. He takes the shot sitting next to him and chugs it down. The man starts bawling, so the big guy says “Hey, it was just a joke. Here, I’ll buy you another one,”. The man whines “First I wake up and my wife left me and took my kids, then I go to get my car and my wife took it, then I go to work and my job has been taken and I was replaced, so I came here, got a shot, and put poison in it, and you took my shot!”. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kqi9x/a_man_is_sitting_at_a_bar_looking_depressed/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey in celebration of his first blowjob

As the bartender discovers the man is celebrating his first blowjob the bartender offers the man another 5 free shots of whiskey for his accomplishment, the man turns around denies the offer and says 'nah thats fine, i only need one to take away the taste'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kqdtz/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_shot_of/
%
Elon Musk is making a new cologne.

It’s called “Elon Musk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kqcjg/elon_musk_is_making_a_new_cologne/
%
My Jewish friend is going to open a coffee shop.

Suggested he name it Hebrew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kqal7/my_jewish_friend_is_going_to_open_a_coffee_shop/
%
I ate some bad Greek food earlier today...

...and now I falafel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kqa6v/i_ate_some_bad_greek_food_earlier_today/
%
What’s comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.....

A public toilet seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kq9sr/whats_comfortable_and_uncomfortable_at_the_same/
%
Soviet Russia had the best bread

People would wait in long lines for hours just to get a slice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kq9oq/soviet_russia_had_the_best_bread/
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transatlantic voyage 5 dollars

A guy sees a newspaper ad that says "transatlantic voyage only five dollars".  He's never been overseas so he heads down to the dock on the coast and sure enough, there's a shack with a sign "transatlantic voyage $5".  He gives the attendant five bucks and is handed a pair of oars.  The attendant shows him a rowboat and tells him to keep rowing east.
The guy rows all day and late into the night.  He notices in the moonlight another rowboat, also slowly making its way across the water.  He rows up to it and calls out "Hey, transatlantic voyage for five dollars?".  The other fellow slowly nods.
After several hours rowing along, the guy calls out to the other voyager "Do they serve meals on this trip?!"
The other guy answers back "They didn't last year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kq9ez/transatlantic_voyage_5_dollars/
%
A man is walking past a bar when he sees a sign for a challenge to win a free car

He goes inside the bar and asks the bartender what the challenge is to win the free car.
The bartender lays out the challenge. "First, you have to drink an entire bottle of whiskey without making a single face. Second, there is an alligator in the back room with a sore tooth, remove it. Third, upstairs there is a 90 year old virgin, take care of it. ”
The man has nothing to lose so he agrees with it. Everyone gathers round to watch as the bartender pulls out a whole bottle of whiskey. The man downs the whiskey all the while maintaining a straight face. Everyone, including the bartender is quite impressed.
As the man is heading towards the back of the bar, he is stumbling over everything clearly drunk. He finally makes it to the door and enters into the room and everyone is silent as they listen to the click of the lock. All of the sudden they hear the alligator growling and the man screams. There is sounds of a great struggle for a full half hour and then silence.
A moment later they hear the lock open and the man slowly shambles out of the room with his clothes ripped to shreds and many cuts and bruises. Everyone sits in silence as the man starts to speak.
"I took care of the alligator, now where is that old lady with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kq848/a_man_is_walking_past_a_bar_when_he_sees_a_sign/
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My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kq640/my_band_and_i_had_our_first_significant_gig/
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What sound does a rubber plane make?

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kq52m/what_sound_does_a_rubber_plane_make/
%
What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

A private tutor !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kq3i5/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_never_farts_in_public/
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Donald Trump what's 2 + 2?

I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy, but he's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kq39y/donald_trump_whats_2_2/
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There are two types of people

1) People who finish what they start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kq301/there_are_two_types_of_people/
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NSFW What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kq24b/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a/
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A man ejaculated in my eye the other day...

But at least I could see where he was coming from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kq17q/a_man_ejaculated_in_my_eye_the_other_day/
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If a genie appeared and said I could choose a woman, dead or alive, to magically appear so I can have sex with her...

I'd probably choose alive this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kq094/if_a_genie_appeared_and_said_i_could_choose_a/
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A man dies and goes to Hell.

There he meets Satan, who tells him that he can spend eternity behind one of two doors.
Behind the first door is an infinite room, with people as far as the eye can see standing on their heads in an inch of dog shit.
"Eh, that seems pretty unpleasant," says the man. "Let's see what's behind the other door."
Satan opens the second door, revealing another infinite room, this one with six inches of dog shit, but the condemned people are standing and drinking coffee.
"Well," says the man, "I guess this is better. I'll spend eternity in this room."
So Satan walks the man to his spot, calls for a demon to bring him a cup of coffee, wishes him luck, and leaves.
The man enjoys sipping his coffee and chatting with his neighbors until, five minutes later, Satan opens the door and announces, "Okay, folks, coffee break's over! Stand on your heads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kpztb/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?

**A:** Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kpw6z/q_anyone_know_any_jokes_about_sodium/
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I got fired from my job at the calendar factory

I took a day off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kpvd4/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_calendar_factory/
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What's it called when Batman skips out on Church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kpls0/whats_it_called_when_batman_skips_out_on_church/
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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kpjpl/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
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Four nuns die and arrive at the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter is there and asks the first nun if she had ever touched a penis.
"Yes," she admits. "I once touched a penis with the tip of my finger."
"Dip your finger into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven," says Saint Peter. The nun dips her finger in the holy water and enters heaven.
Saint Peter asks the same question of the second nun.
"Yes," she admits. "I once touched a penis with one hand."
"Dip your hand into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven," says Saint Peter. The second nun complies and enters heaven.
At this point, the fourth nun abruptly cuts in line.
"Hang on!" she says, pointing at the third nun. "You'd better let me go next, because there's no way I'm gargling that shit after she sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kpefw/four_nuns_die_and_arrive_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
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What did the book general say to his army?

Paper yourself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kpeev/what_did_the_book_general_say_to_his_army/
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A software salesman died and was greeted by St. Peter at the gate to heaven.

Upon examining the great book, St.Peter tells the salesman he has an equal number of good and bad things in his life’s history, so the choice of heaven or hell is his decision to make.
The salesman, hesitant to make such a momentous decision, asks if he can tour both places to assist him with his choice. St. Peter says sure and calls up a cloud for him to ride through heaven. He floats around and sees streets of gold and people playing harps and hears voices singing. Definitely a nice place, but definitely boring.
He returns and St. Peter points to a very long escalator which the salesman rides down. At the bottom of the escalator is a white sand beach, beautiful people playing volleyball, his favorite rock music and cater waiters everywhere providing food and drinks. As far as the eye could see, it was paradise.
The salesman returns to St. Peter and states that while heaven was a very nice, serene place, hell was definitely the happening place where he wanted to be. St. Peter gives him a key card to the express elevator and wishes him the best.
The elevator zooms to the bottom floor and the doors open to a blast of heat and the stench of sulfur. As he steps out, a beast leaps from behind a rock and begins chewing his leg. Barely able to crawl, the salesman looks up to see the devil himself and asks, “Where are the beaches and the beautiful people?”
The devil chuckles and says, "Really? You didn’t realize that was just a demo?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kpdou/a_software_salesman_died_and_was_greeted_by_st/
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What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Christler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kpabg/what_kind_of_car_does_jesus_drive/
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A horny dude lost in a desert

To let off his sexual frustration, he tries to mount a camel from back but was brutally kicked away. Apparently  the camel was not amused by what he had to offer.
Sitting there with nothing but frustration \(comparable to that of an engineering student or a computer grad\), to his amusement he saw a plane about to crash and to his valor he managed to save an young beautiful lady from that plane.
Mesmerized by the heroism of the dude, the lady offers "Tell me anything you want. I am truly your servant"
The dude was very happy and he couldn't stop his urges. He points his fingers towards a camel and says "could you hold the legs of that camel for few moments, please ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kp8gs/a_horny_dude_lost_in_a_desert/
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I'm starting a private Mexican restaurant.

It's called Nacho Business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kp7e4/im_starting_a_private_mexican_restaurant/
%
My doctor said I need to stop masturbating. When I asked why, he said ..

Cause I’m trying to give you a physical

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kp2zt/my_doctor_said_i_need_to_stop_masturbating_when_i/
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A guy stops in at the local pharmacy to buy condoms.

That will be twelve fifty with tax.
Tax he exclaims!!! don't these things stay on by themselves???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kp1ev/a_guy_stops_in_at_the_local_pharmacy_to_buy/
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I got in touch with my inner self today...

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kp0x4/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
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Sadly, my best friend of many years lost his life earlier today.

He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kozlj/sadly_my_best_friend_of_many_years_lost_his_life/
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A young sailor's first day on the ship

He has a meeting with the Captain, who takes him on a tour of the ship.  He introduces him to the crew, goes over his duties and responsibilities. At the end of the tour the young man turns to the captain and says. "This is all great Captain, but I have a bit of a personal question...". "What's that sailor?" says the captain.  "Well I noticed there are no women on the ship. And seeing that we are going to be months at sea...well a man has certain urges and needs." He says sheepishly. "Say no more." answered the Captain.   "We have a solution for this.  You see at the lowest level of the ship, at the back, there is a large barrel with a hole in it.  All you have to do when the mood strikes you is to go up to the barrel, stick your Johnson in, and the rest will be taken care of."  "Really!" the young man says excitedly.  "Absolutely" said the Captain.  "You can use it anytime you wish, except  for the second Tuesday of the month of course."  Confused, the young man asks "What is happening on the second Tuesday of the month?"
"Well that's your day in the barrel" answered the Captain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8koxmy/a_young_sailors_first_day_on_the_ship/
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Forget everything you learned in college...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kov0s/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college/
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A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...

So he walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender thinks for a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous. Suddenly the man walks back into the bar with a big smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kouw2/a_man_finds_out_his_wife_is_cheating_on_him/
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If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable....

I would visit you every day in the hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kopj7/if_you_were_a_fruit_you_would_be_a_fineapple_if/
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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra.

And she's a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8konsq/i_shouldve_known_it_wasnt_going_to_work_out/
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What do you call it when a group of necrophiliac men go out to have some fun?

A cold one with the boys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8komhq/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_group_of_necrophiliac/
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Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8koh5c/remember_back_in_the_day_when_your_tv_wouldnt/
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Who is more to blame for all the controversy in the White House?

The blonde with the big tits or Stormy Daniels?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kofg9/who_is_more_to_blame_for_all_the_controversy_in/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Everything's fine. He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kof80/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
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Why didn’t the blind man walk to the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kodzj/why_didnt_the_blind_man_walk_to_the_well/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kod25/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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I actually got to live through a classic joke!

**This is 100 percent true. **
Yesterday I was using electric hedge trimmers on my front bushes. My right hand was holding the safety handle.  My left was holding a knob on the front right by the blades.  That hand slipped and I reached out to stop it..... And grabbed the blades, still going.
There was blood everywhere.  I was taken right away to the ER. My hand was cut pretty bad.
As he was giving me my 22 stitches, I suddenly looked the doctor right in the eyes.
"oh my God, doctor," I said "Am I going to be able to play the violin after this?"
He nodded. "You cut yourself bad, but you'll be able to play the violin after this."
I started giggling : "That's fantastic! Cause I wasn't able to play it before this!"
.
And then I laughed and laughed.
The doctor didn't find it so funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8koc6z/i_actually_got_to_live_through_a_classic_joke/
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What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8koaj3/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
Once upon a time, there was a king who ruled a great and glorious nation.

“Once upon a time, there was a king who ruled a great and glorious nation. Favourite amongst his subjects was the court painter of whom he was very proud. Everybody agreed this wizzened old man pianted the greatest pictures in the whole kingdom and the king would spend hours each day gazing at them in wonder. However, one day a dirty and dishevelled stranger presented himself at the court claiming that in fact he was the greatest painter in the land. The indignant king decreed a competition would be held between the two artists, confident it would teach the vagabond an embarrassing lesson.
Within a month they were both to produce a masterpiece that would out do the other. After thirty days of working feverishly day and night, both artists were ready. They placed their paintings, each hidden by a cloth, on easels in the great hall of the castle. As a large crowd gathered, the king ordered the cloth be pulled first from the court artist’s easel.
Everyone gasped as before them was revealed a wonderful oil painting of a table set with a feast. At its centre was an ornate bowl full of exotic fruits glistening moistly in the dawn light. As the crowd gazed admiringly, a sparrow perched high up on the rafters of the hall swooped down and hungrily tried to snatch one of the grapes from the painted bowl only to hit the canvas and fall down dead with shock at the feet of the king. ’Aha!’ exclaimed the king. ’My artist has produced a painting so wonderful it has fooled nature herself, surely you must agree that he is the greatest painter who ever lived!’ But the vagabond said nothing and stared solemnly at his feet. ’Now, pull the blanket from your painting and let us see what you have for us,’ cried the king. But the tramp remained motionless and said nothing.
Growing impatient, the king stepped forward and reached out to grab the blanket only to freeze in horror at the last moment. ’You see,’ said the tramp quietly, ’there is no blanket covering the painting. This is actually just a painting of a cloth covering a painting. And whereas your famous artist is content to fool nature, I’ve made the king of the whole country look like a clueless little twat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ko6nj/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_king_who_ruled_a/
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Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8knw8o/why_did_the_coffee_file_a_police_report/
%
I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory......

I just couldn’t concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8knuku/i_recently_quit_my_job_at_the_orange_juice_factory/
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The Priest and the Tiger

A priest visits the zoo, but accidentally trips over, landing in the tiger enclosure. The tiger slowly approaches the priest, so the priest begins to pray.
To his surprise the tiger prays too.
'Its a miracle!' The priest exclaims. 'I thought you were going to eat me.'
'Shut up you idiot, I'm just saying grace!' Replies the tiger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8knt7a/the_priest_and_the_tiger/
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My wife kept saying that I was rude to her.

She told me I should talk to her like I would talk to my idol- The Rock.
So I said:
‘You have a body that can turn a man gay!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8knom3/my_wife_kept_saying_that_i_was_rude_to_her/
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What's the difference between me and eggs?

Eggs get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kndl6/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_eggs/
%
What do you say to an art student?

Can I have fries with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8knbha/what_do_you_say_to_an_art_student/
%
Two midget asians sit atop each other and get makeup to look Caucasian for a movie, the director says no because

two wongs don’t make a white

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kn8h0/two_midget_asians_sit_atop_each_other_and_get/
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How many superhero’s can you fit in a sedan?

2 in the front, 2 in the back, and about 10 in the ashtray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kn3qa/how_many_superheros_can_you_fit_in_a_sedan/
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What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kn3ak/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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Blonde driver

A blonde was driving down the highway.  Soon she heard sirens and saw lights behind her, and was pulled over.  A cop, also a blonde woman, approached her door.
"You were speeding, miss," she said.  "May I see your license?"
The blonde driver rummaged through her purse for a minute before looking up in confusion.  "Well, what's it look like?" she asked.
"It's a small square thing with your picture on it," said the cop.
The driver looked again and finally pulled out a small mirror and handed it to the cop.  The blonde cop looked at it and handed it back.
"Okay, you can go," she said.  "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a police officer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kn0lc/blonde_driver/
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I found out what is going on with Hawaii

Someone stole the heart of Tafiti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kn0bs/i_found_out_what_is_going_on_with_hawaii/
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My brother's come out as gay!

I'm pretty sure it's a phase, he's just not thinking straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kmxol/my_brothers_come_out_as_gay/
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It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kmrsp/it_has_been_said_that_a_million_monkeys_hitting/
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What’s the incel’s favorite meal?

Stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kmran/whats_the_incels_favorite_meal/
%
"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kmp9e/hey_dad_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
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What did the Nazi call his safe space?

Mein Kampfert zone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kmodv/what_did_the_nazi_call_his_safe_space/
%
I stayed up all night to think of a fleshlight joke

But I could never get it to come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kmkrb/i_stayed_up_all_night_to_think_of_a_fleshlight/
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2 dogs are in a bar

Dog 1: "I heard a great joke today"
Dog 2: "Let's hear it then"
Dog 1: "Knock kno..."
Dog 2: goes fucking mental

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kmeh2/2_dogs_are_in_a_bar/
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Old man sees a little boy walk by with duct tape in his hand...

An old man sitting on his porch sees a little boy walk by with duct (duck) tape in his hand. He says to the little boy "Where are you going with that duct tape?"
Little boy responds "I'm going to catch me some duck"
Old man says "no no no, that's not how it works"
Later on he sees the little boy walking back home with 6 ducks. He thinks wtf?
Next day the little boy has some chicken wire. Same question, same answer.
Little boy says he's going to catch some chicken and again the man tells him that's not how it's works. Sure as shit to the Old Mans surprise the little boy comes walking back home with 6 chickens and the old man is wondering how he's doing this.
The next day here comes the little boy and the old man sees he has some twigs in his hand.
Old Man says "What do you got now? A bunch of sticks?"
Little boy says "yea it's pussy willow"
Old Man says "hold on! I'll come with ya!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8km80i/old_man_sees_a_little_boy_walk_by_with_duct_tape/
%
what do you call a tiny clock tower?

A watchtower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8km7wz/what_do_you_call_a_tiny_clock_tower/
%
Me and the wife love Skunks and decided to smuggle one home but had to get past border control, the wife says how we going to do this? I said put it down your panties, she said what about the smell?

I said, well if it dies it dies...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8km7b0/me_and_the_wife_love_skunks_and_decided_to/
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My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8km6g2/my_wife_accused_me_of_ruining_her_birthday_but/
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Yo mama so ugly

Her memory foam wishes it could forget,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8km6d3/yo_mama_so_ugly/
%
Two wizards were having an argument.

One of them was saying that magic is produced by the person casting the spell. The other argued that it is drawn out of the air around them and the spell-caster simply acts as a focal point for the magic. They decided to seek some help.
The two wizards set off to visit Drahn the Wise, who was the most powerful mage in the kingdom. They told him about their argument and/ asked how they could settle it.
"Well," he thought. "You should draw the magic out of the air around me. If I can still cast a spell, then the magic comes from inside. If I cannot, then it stands to reason that I draw the magic from around me."
The two wizards agreed that this was a great idea, and set about doing exactly that. Drahn the Wise picked up his wand and shouted, "Alamazara alamazoo!" A dove shot out of the tip of his wand and flew around.
Drahn looked at them and smiled. "Well," he said, "I guess it just goes to show that the mighty conjurer is the powerhouse of the spell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8km5k8/two_wizards_were_having_an_argument/
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Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it was stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8km59s/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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Fight Club was awesome!

Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8km572/fight_club_was_awesome/
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Little Ralphie

sat on a park bench and pulled out a candy bar.  Soon an older gentleman also sat on the bench and began to read his paper.  He couldn't help but notice that Ralphie kept eating candy bars.  No sooner did he finish with one than he got another and scarfed it down.  He had put away five candy bars when the man couldn't take it anymore.
"Young man," he said, "why are you eating so many candy bars?  Don't you know how bad they are for you?  They'll rot your teeth, ruin your health, and make you sick!"
Little Ralphie looked over at him and said, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 100 years old."
"And did he do it by eating five candy bars in one sitting?" asked the man.
"No," said Ralphie.  "He minded his own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8km1xs/little_ralphie/
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Old guy says to his mate I slept like a baby last night.

Woke up, no hair no teeth and I shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8km1kp/old_guy_says_to_his_mate_i_slept_like_a_baby_last/
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Why do girls float better than boys?

Because they're boyn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kly15/why_do_girls_float_better_than_boys/
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Did you hear about the man who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the No Bell Prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8klx6b/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_invented_the/
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Dad, will you hand me my sunglasses?

"As soon as you hand me my dadglasses, Son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8klwt3/dad_will_you_hand_me_my_sunglasses/
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Don't ever underestimate a Scottish police officer?

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense!
Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Scottish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.  License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Scottish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Scottish cop says, "Sounds fair.  Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Scottish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kltbj/dont_ever_underestimate_a_scottish_police_officer/
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Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.

He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."
The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8klrhg/jeanpaul_sartre_is_sitting_at_a_french_cafe/
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A wealthy British gentleman, Reginald Harper, took a trip to India...

During the summer of 1967. One day while on an adventure he found an elephant in obvious pain, pawing at the ground. On the bottom of his foot, there was a large cut. Reginald took off his shirt and bandaged the elephant. The beast then dropped onto its knees, and lifted him with its trunk for him to climb on for a ride. For the rest of his vacation they were inseparable, and went on long rides daily.
Eventually Harper returned to his country, with the wonderful memories of that elephant.
7 years later, he moved to America, San Diego to be exact. One day, while exploring his new city, he went to the famous San Diego zoo. As if by fate, he felt drawn towards the elephants. Lo and behold, as he approached the mighty bars of their enclosure, one tired old elephant started pawing at the ground and then dropped onto its knees. Tears ran down Harper's face as he ran forward and squeezed through the bars, once again reunited. The elephant gracefully scooped him up with its trunk, and proceeded to brutally smash him to death on the bars of the cage.
Turns out it was a different elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8klpre/a_wealthy_british_gentleman_reginald_harper_took/
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A man decided to sunbathe on the beach.

He took all of his clothes off, except that he covered his private parts with a hat to prevent a sunburn. As he's sunbathing, a woman walks past him. She looks at the man and snidely remarks:
"A true gentleman would always tip his hat for a lady."
To which the man replies:
"Ma'am, if you were a true lady, it would tip itself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kll29/a_man_decided_to_sunbathe_on_the_beach/
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Why did hitler fail his drivers ed?

He used his turn signals on the two left turns but failed at the 3rd reich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8klgmg/why_did_hitler_fail_his_drivers_ed/
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What did the cop say to the man who was meditating and saying "ohmmmmmmmmmmm"?

Stop Resisting!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kle6y/what_did_the_cop_say_to_the_man_who_was/
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How do you consummate a royal wedding?

By getting royally fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kldtq/how_do_you_consummate_a_royal_wedding/
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I was captured and tortured by an mime

He did unspeakable things to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8klctu/i_was_captured_and_tortured_by_an_mime/
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A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady

, and after the  wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if  I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I  expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't  be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing  when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time  about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No,  that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at  seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8klaj3/a_typical_macho_man_married_a_typical_good/
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What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kl8ot/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
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I can cut wood just by looking at it.

It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kl5q3/i_can_cut_wood_just_by_looking_at_it/
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My wife went to the doctor

As she laid on the table naked, she had to tell the Optometrist "My eyes are up here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kl30d/my_wife_went_to_the_doctor/
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I like my coffee the same way I like my women

Black, bitter, preferably fair trade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kl1u7/i_like_my_coffee_the_same_way_i_like_my_women/
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Sharing is Caring

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
Teeth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kkzir/sharing_is_caring/
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Why can't creationists ever get girls in rock bands?

They aren't very good at carbon dating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kkzca/why_cant_creationists_ever_get_girls_in_rock_bands/
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My wife asked me to spice things up

So I told my girlfriend to Cumin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kkyzk/my_wife_asked_me_to_spice_things_up/
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I had a horrible experience giving blood today, the staff were horrible, the needles hurt and I felt really unhappy.

Apparently I'm, "a negative".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kkxud/i_had_a_horrible_experience_giving_blood_today/
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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…

Must be some kind of milestone…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kkvn0/i_found_a_rock_yesterday_which_measured_1760/
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There are 10 kinds of people

The ones that understand binary, and the ones that don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kkvhy/there_are_10_kinds_of_people/
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Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One looks at the other and says, “man, I blew like, twenty bucks in there!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kkuyw/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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One day a midget is walking along feeling a bit parched, when what do ya know, he sees a bar, just for midgets!

"What luck", he thinks, and strolls in.
Inside there are miniature versions of everything! Little chairs with tiny tables, half size doors leading to miniature toilets, a tiny pool table with tiny pool cues, the place has everything, apart from customers... Its completely dead.
Sitting solitary at a table looking rather glum is the bartender. The midget approaches him and asks," Why is it so empty in here, this place is amazing!"
"Well, we've been open for months now and all my customers just come in and leave without ordering any drinks", explains the bartender, "I've got to be honest, I had higher expectations for this place!"
The bartender offers the midget a drink, then goes behind the counter and starts pouring him a pint.
"Um... I think I'm starting to understand why you don't have any customers", shouts the midget, looking up at the enormous counter towering above him, "you've set the bar way too high".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kkshh/one_day_a_midget_is_walking_along_feeling_a_bit/
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A boy asks his mother:"Mom, why is my cousin's name is Rose?"

The mother explains: "That's because her mother loves roses a lot so she called her after her favorite flower."
The boy then asks: "Oh, so what about my other cousin, Clementine?
"That's because her mother loves clementines so much that she called her after her favorite fruit."
The boy continues: "Oh, then what about my name?"
The mother turns red: "Dick, just go out and play!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kksgg/a_boy_asks_his_mothermom_why_is_my_cousins_name/
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I have an EpiPen

My friend gave it me as he was choking to death, it seems it was really important to him that I'd hold onto it after he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kkn69/i_have_an_epipen/
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"Now that you lost your first tooth..."

"Now that you lost your first tooth, what did you learn?"
"That I shouldn't talk back anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kkn4i/now_that_you_lost_your_first_tooth/
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I was filling my car with leaded gasoline wearing some comfortable aesbestos boots. As I popped a thalidomide pill into my mouth I thought...

"A government ban on assault weapons would never work..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kkmet/i_was_filling_my_car_with_leaded_gasoline_wearing/
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Jim's Birthday Hat

Jim's birthday was coming up, and as much as he enjoyed his birthday, he dreaded the obligations that came with it. Despite his vehement protests, his wife had arranged lunch with the whole family, including his witch of a mother-in-law. But Jim was a good man and said he'd be on his best behaviour. When the day arrived and the family had settled into the dining room, they began passing out their presents to Jim. His wife got him a lovely razor, and he thanked her for it earnestly. His father bought him two tickets to see Metallica that weekend, and he leapt from his chair with glee. His brother bought him a bottle of whisky, and he smiled and shared it with the family. Then it was his mother-in-laws turn. She handed him a brown paper bag, and in it was a sad looking, floral patterned fedora. Jim tried to feign a smile, thanked her shallowly, and put it on his head, but his dissatisfaction was obvious. His mother-in-law was furious. She whipped out her magic wand and started waving it in front of his face. She mumbled under her breath as the wand began to glow. The room grew dark as she uttered her magic words.
"**Forever on your head, the floral hat shall sit.
Sprout, will all the flowers and the branches and shit.
Cursed from this day until the end of time. Witches have a rule that all spells have to rhyme!**"
Jim screamed as the hat tightened around his head. He tried to pull it off, but it wouldn't budge! The floral patterns burst into life and real plants lifted themselves from the fabric, stretching into the real world. When Jim tried to pull them out, thicker stems replaced them. Amidst the chaos, his mother-in-law disappeared in a plume of black smoke.
With each passing day the hat grew larger and uglier. Spiny thorns protruding from the edges, and thick branches spiralling ever upward. Days turned into weeks, and Jim's life took a turn for the worst. His wife couldn't handle the extra gardening and left him. His boss and coworkers grew tired of the noisy birds residing on his head, and he was eventually let go. He couldn't afford his rent and ended up on the streets. Weeks turned into months, and Jim became a recluse, living in a large cave in the mountains, living off of the fruits of his hat garden. Years go by with Jim living all alone when one day an old woman wonders into his cave. It's his mother-in-law. She has an evil smirk on her face as she sees what's left of Jim. Massive trees reach out to the edges of every wall in the cave. Jim's head can barely be seen under the foliage, and he can no longer lift it off the ground more than an inch.
"Well, well, Jim." the witch cackled. "What do you think of your gift **now**?"
Jim hadn't spoken in so long, but he lifted his head as best as he could, licked his parched lips and said, "It's growing on me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kkm7h/jims_birthday_hat/
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I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kkhq0/i_hope_they_serve_cookies_at_the_royal_wedding/
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My Dad got me with this as a kid and I've used it ever since.

Dad: If a lion and a piecost had a fight, which one do you think would win?
Me: Whats a piecost?
Dad: About $3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kke3a/my_dad_got_me_with_this_as_a_kid_and_ive_used_it/
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Better to burp and have a second taste....

...than to fart and let it go to waste...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kkad3/better_to_burp_and_have_a_second_taste/
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My teacher asked me which month had 28 days.

I said all of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kk8a6/my_teacher_asked_me_which_month_had_28_days/
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Two guys called Richard were trying to see who could go higher on swings.

It was a real dick swinging contest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kk7s9/two_guys_called_richard_were_trying_to_see_who/
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My Chinese neighbor just had two puppies

He named them “Sweet” and “Sour”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kk791/my_chinese_neighbor_just_had_two_puppies/
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Hello, have one of you guys lost a pile of cash with a rubber band around it?

Because I got the rubberband

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kk4ru/hello_have_one_of_you_guys_lost_a_pile_of_cash/
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I was called in to fix someone’s computer

I took a look round the back and I said “Oh, the self-awareness switch is on.”
The man said “That’s funny, it was off last time I checked.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kk4o4/i_was_called_in_to_fix_someones_computer/
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There is a new vaccine against stupidity.

But anti-vaxxers don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kk1zh/there_is_a_new_vaccine_against_stupidity/
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What does the blue in the communist flag stand for?

Food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kk0pq/what_does_the_blue_in_the_communist_flag_stand_for/
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Chuck Norris gave a blowjob to a tornado once...

The tornado was blown away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kjz2i/chuck_norris_gave_a_blowjob_to_a_tornado_once/
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Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medicine actually makes the illness *worse*. Then, when they go back to the doctor, he prescribes a real medication for an absurd price. This strategy has given him tons of cash over the years with no suspicions. That is, until now.
Scientists have run checks over his "medicine" and discovered the truth. The doctor is jailed for his crimes and is scheduled to be killed via electric chair at midnight.
But, when the doctor sits on the electric chair, something happens. The officer assigned to flip the electric switch to do away with the criminal is flabbergasted at how the doctor is surviving the shocks at max power. Other officers witnessed this, and finally, on the next afternoon, he is freed from all charges due to this paranormal happening.
Unfortunately, the doctor is at it again, tricking his customers. His patients are more mad than ever, and due to a mob of angry, sick civilians, the doctor is jailed and scheduled to be subjected to the wrath of the electric chair at midnight *again*.
But alas! At the stroke of midnight, although the flashes of electricity emanating from the execution room lighted the correctional facility, the doctor did not perish. They released him again in absolute bafflement.
As you may have guessed by now, the doctor continues to scam and sicken his clients. After a month, the whole world has been in outrage over the reign of this infamous doctor. The police reluctantly capture him and schedule him for the old midnight execution drill. Again.
This time, however, during the time of the execution, a stadium of people have come to watch the doctor get electrocuted like a fly in front of their eyes, including the leader of the country's police force. They flip the switch...
The doctor survives. The crowd goes silent.
The chief policeman struts over to the poor doctor and asks him, "How the singular crap are you surviving?! That was literally over a thousand damnable volts! And no, don't give me that 'I'm a bad conductor' line because I have heard that repost a million times on r/Jokes."
The doctor, blackened but very much alive, says, "Yeah, that's not it. I'm a bad con doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kjx9v/once_in_a_faraway_land_there_was_this_doctor_who/
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I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kjt4i/i_joined_isis_to_help_my_self_esteem_issues/
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Prince Harry goes up to William at the wedding and says “Have you seen Dad”?

William replies “He wasn’t invited mate, but mines over there dancing with Camilla”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kjsf0/prince_harry_goes_up_to_william_at_the_wedding/
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A little boy is walking along the beach when he sees a pirate.

Excited, he runs up to the pirate and says "Mr Pirate!  How did you get that peg leg?"
The pirate says "Argh, one day me ship was in a battle on the high seas, and a cannonball came over and lopped me off at the knee.  Tis the life of a pirate."
The kid's eyes get really big, and he says a little more quietly  "How did you get that hook for a hand?"
The pirate says "Argh, same battle, a swashbuckling swordsman boarded our ship, and he lopped me off at the wrist before I ran him through!  Tis the life of a pirate!"
The little kid's eyes got even bigger, and he timidly asked one more question: "And Mr Pirate, how did you get that patch on your eye?"
The pirate answered "One fine day we were sailing the high seas.  I looked up, and a seagull shat right in my eye".
The little boy looked puzzled.  "That's how you lost your eye?"
The pirate answered "Arrrr, no.  That was the first day I had me damned hook!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kjk3j/a_little_boy_is_walking_along_the_beach_when_he/
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What do you call a bear fighting another bear?

v. ursus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kjad1/what_do_you_call_a_bear_fighting_another_bear/
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To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide but you can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kj040/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_that_stole_my/
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I like my blacks like I like my yolks

Beaten and separated from the whites

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kiygl/i_like_my_blacks_like_i_like_my_yolks/
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TIL the difference between jelly and jam.

I can't jelly my dick in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kiumw/til_the_difference_between_jelly_and_jam/
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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kiu1a/theres_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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The 12-inch Pianist

A guy walks into a tavern.
As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later.
So the guy asked the bartender for a drink.
The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."
"Okay," said the guy.
He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it.
Poof.
Out came a genie.
The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks.
A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared.
In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks."
The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kirwy/the_12inch_pianist/
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What happens when a frog illegally parks?

He gets toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kiq1d/what_happens_when_a_frog_illegally_parks/
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What do you use to build a roof out of cheese?

Kraft Shingles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kipnu/what_do_you_use_to_build_a_roof_out_of_cheese/
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50 cows and 1 bull were standing in a field...

A sudden strong breeze came and blew all the cows over, but not the bull.  A cow walked over and asked the bull, why didn't that breeze blow you over?  The bull replied, we bulls wobble but we don't fall down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kilqp/50_cows_and_1_bull_were_standing_in_a_field/
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A rich man and a poor man. NSFW

Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. Theyre both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "Whatd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Whyd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesnt like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Whyd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesnt like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kij3v/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_nsfw/
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Sex will make your whole day

Anal sex will make your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kii14/sex_will_make_your_whole_day/
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I can cut a wood plank just by staring at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kigfj/i_can_cut_a_wood_plank_just_by_staring_at_it/
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A herd of masturbating cattle is called Beef Stroganoff, but what do you call it when they do it to each other?

Hamburger Helper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kicbj/a_herd_of_masturbating_cattle_is_called_beef/
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Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in

He never stood a chance against 5 of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ki7ef/saw_a_group_of_4_guys_beating_up_an_old_guy/
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What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede?

A Walkie-talkie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ki4ca/what_would_you_get_if_you_crossed_a_parrot_with_a/
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I tried dressing up as the plane that crash into the twin towers for the office costume party

It didn't land too well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ki3x1/i_tried_dressing_up_as_the_plane_that_crash_into/
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My review of our Solar System...

One Star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ki09s/my_review_of_our_solar_system/
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Lottery

A man comes home and asks his wife "Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?"
She thinks a second and says, "Well, I'd take half of it, then I'd leave you."
"Great," he says.  "I just won twelve bucks, here's six.  Now get the fuck out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8khyn8/lottery/
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Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8khxci/prince_harry_had_his_bachelor_party_last_night_in/
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If you were crushed by a piano...

Would you B-flat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8khvro/if_you_were_crushed_by_a_piano/
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An anatomy teacher was teaching the basics of male biology...

An anatomy teacher was teaching the basics of male biology to her class. She explained what the urethra and testicles are to her class, when a student raised his hand and said,
"I thought that the urethra and testicles were just two different terms describing the same thing?"
The teacher responded,
"No, that's not correct. There's a vas deferens between the two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8khsbw/an_anatomy_teacher_was_teaching_the_basics_of/
%
I felt like my nose was bleeding.

But after checking, it’snot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8khs8e/i_felt_like_my_nose_was_bleeding/
%
If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed.

I would be able to buy a tie, pursue a career, and stop reposting old jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8khl1m/if_i_got_50_for_every_math_test_ive_failed/
%
I call my weed the Qur'an

when I burn it, I get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8khkd3/i_call_my_weed_the_quran/
%
A curious son notices a change in the U.S flag’s position and decides to ask his mom

Son: Mom, why is the flag at the top of the pole today?
Mom: Because there hasn’t been a mass shooting all week Billy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8khhhf/a_curious_son_notices_a_change_in_the_us_flags/
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Stalin is giving a speech ...

All of a sudden, someone sneezes. He stops talking.
"Who sneezed ?"
Silence. Everyone is looking at their feet.
"Who sneezed ? If you don't answer, I'll gun down the front row."
Nobody speaks. He gives an order, and the entire front row is executed.
"Who sneezed ?"
Silence. The second row is being executed. The third row is being gunned down. The fourth row is being executed. A very old man steps up, he raises a hand.
"I sneezed."
Stalin looks at him.
"Bless you. So, as I was saying..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8khfw6/stalin_is_giving_a_speech/
%
Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint-

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kh8sc/terrorist_holding_dad_at_gunpoint/
%
Surprise blowjob is the best way to get woken up.

Unless you're in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kh2zj/surprise_blowjob_is_the_best_way_to_get_woken_up/
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I have so many jokes about planes...

... but none of them land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kh2fr/i_have_so_many_jokes_about_planes/
%
A therapist is throwing a costume party for all of her patients.

She tells them to show up as an emotion. The first person knocks on the door. The Dr. opens the door and sees a man dressed in green clothes from head to toe. "You must be green with 'ENVY', come on in." 5 minutes later another knock. As she opens the door there is a woman dressed entirely in yellow with her hair standing straight up. "I'm gonna go with 'FEAR', right?" The woman smiles and heads in. The party is in full swing after anger, empathy, joy and several other emotions show up. Finally, one last knock at the door. The therapist opens the door and finds a man standing in front of her completely naked with a piece of fruit on his dick. The therapist looks for a while and completely confused says, "I give up, what emotions are you?" The man looks her dead in the eye and says, "Can't you tell? I'M FUCKING DESPAIR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kh2e7/a_therapist_is_throwing_a_costume_party_for_all/
%
Shortest conversation between a girl and a doctor

Doctor: How are you doing ?
Girl: I don't know, you are the doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kh1zm/shortest_conversation_between_a_girl_and_a_doctor/
%
A young boy returns from school a little confused.

Arriving at home, he goes to find his dad.
"Dad, today at school we learned about theory and reality.  The teacher explained the difference but I don't understand."
Dad responds: "Son, go ask your sister if she will have sex with the pool guy for a million dollars, then ask your mom if she will sleep with the gardener for a million dollars."
Still confused the boy goes to find his sister.
"Hey sis, would you have sex with the pool guy for a million dollars?
The sister thinks for less then a second and says, "of course".
Still confused, the boy finds his mom and asks, "Mom, would you have sex with the gardener for a million dollars?"
Mom thinks just a little but longer, and smiles and says, yes! why not, a million dollars would be nice."
The boy is still very confused and finds his dad.  "Dad, I asked both of them, they both said yes, but I still don't understand the difference between theory and reality.
Dad says, "Well you see son, in THEORY we are sitting on 2 million dollars, but in REALITY, we are living with a couple of whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kh1f9/a_young_boy_returns_from_school_a_little_confused/
%
Sex is like pizza

Turtles are having it in the sewers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kh00d/sex_is_like_pizza/
%
What does the band Toto say when it orders a gin tonic?

Hold the lime!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgybs/what_does_the_band_toto_say_when_it_orders_a_gin/
%
A group of monks.

A group of monks are working in the Scriptorium when they realize there might be an error in the text they're copying. After a long debate over what they should do, the Abbot decides to go find the oldest copy they have. He takes quite a while to come back so the other monks decide to go check up on him. They find him in the back corner of the archives, clutching a tattered book and weeping. One of the monks runs to him and asks what was the matter. The Abbot replies "It says celebrate! CELEBRATE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgt0j/a_group_of_monks/
%
Hitler and his crew were walking down the village looking for people to capture and decided to take a break near the well where 3 remaining people happened to be hiding

Being afraid of getting captured, they came up with the idea to imitate an echo of whatever hitler may shout. And so he began:
- where are these people?
- where are these people, these people, people...
- maybe they went to the forest?
- maybe they went to the forest, to the forest, the forest...
- maybe they are in the well?
- maybe they are in the well, in the well, the well...
- maybe i should throw a grenade down there?
- maybe they went to the forest, to the forest...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgrs4/hitler_and_his_crew_were_walking_down_the_village/
%
A New Zealander and an Australian are walking down a track

The two mates come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
Naturally, the kiwi bloke jumps over the fence, bends over, pulls down his pants and goes to town doing the sex on the poor sheep.
Upon finishing he looks over at his aussie mate, and goes “your turn bro”, to which naturally the aussie bloke jumps the fence, bends over, removes his pants, and sticks his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgrr3/a_new_zealander_and_an_australian_are_walking/
%
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Teach a manta fish and it won't sting you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgrlf/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
%
I cheated on my girlfriend

We were playing Scrabble. I was supposed to take 4 letters and I actually took 5 and I won because of it.
Then I went upstairs and I fucked her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgq1r/i_cheated_on_my_girlfriend/
%
Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.

Either way I hit the jackpot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgopx/someone_told_me_im_more_likely_to_die_from_a/
%
Jesus once said, "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword."

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgnmd/jesus_once_said_he_who_lives_by_the_sword_will/
%
What do you call a group of garbage men?

A collection!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgm6z/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_garbage_men/
%
How does the geneticist eat his ice cream?

Helix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kglxd/how_does_the_geneticist_eat_his_ice_cream/
%
Women are like the police

Once they've settled on a partner they eat a lot of donuts and then grow a mustache

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgj6g/women_are_like_the_police/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

No pubic hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgfig/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A woman has just delivered her baby

The doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?" Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgf7t/a_woman_has_just_delivered_her_baby/
%
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgegz/a_husband_takes_his_wife_to_play_her_first_game/
%
Why did no one believe the horse had pooped on the road?

Because it was bull shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgbj5/why_did_no_one_believe_the_horse_had_pooped_on/
%
Why is there always dust at the bottom of a bag of cereal?

It's a sign Thanos has ensured you get a "balanced" breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kgadg/why_is_there_always_dust_at_the_bottom_of_a_bag/
%
I asked my mom if by any chance I was adopted.

She replied, 'Hilarious, why would we choose you?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kg9xr/i_asked_my_mom_if_by_any_chance_i_was_adopted/
%
A guy was on a boring date with a girl, so he said “You’re the most average girl here”. She said “You’re mean”

He said “No you are”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kg798/a_guy_was_on_a_boring_date_with_a_girl_so_he_said/
%
Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too".

The bartender then gives them two glasses of water because he doesn't keep freaking Hydrogen Peroxide on the bar counter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kg43a/two_chemists_go_into_a_bar_the_first_one_says_i/
%
It's sad to see people with MBA's ending up as McDonald's cashiers

They're taking jobs from English majors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kfxc3/its_sad_to_see_people_with_mbas_ending_up_as/
%
I have the ability to cut a piece of wood in half just by staring at it. It's true...

I saw it with my own eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kfwij/i_have_the_ability_to_cut_a_piece_of_wood_in_half/
%
What did jesus use to pay for our sins?

Praypal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kftf3/what_did_jesus_use_to_pay_for_our_sins/
%
Photon

A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies "No I'm traveling light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kfgeh/photon/
%
Dead Hooker

A man enters a brothel with only 5$. He asks the madam what he can get for his 5$. She tells him he can fuck the dead hooker in the attic. Seeing as how he doesn't have much choice he agrees. 10 minutes later he comes downstairs and goes back to the madam. He says, "I don't think she was dead. Just as I finished she got a runny nose!". The madam smiles and says, "No, she's dead. That just means she's full."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kfawb/dead_hooker/
%
A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kf82j/a_couple_is_dining_in_a_restaurant_when_suddenly/
%
On average women gain weight if they're married

When they're single, they come home, look at what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, look at what's in the bed and then go to the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kf66w/on_average_women_gain_weight_if_theyre_married/
%
First sexual experience

Son comes home all happy.
-Dad, dad, today I had my first sexual experience!
-Well done son. Sit and tell me all about it.
-Can't. My ass hurts too much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kf2u2/first_sexual_experience/
%
Yesterday my obese parrot died

That was a weight off my shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kf0zl/yesterday_my_obese_parrot_died/
%
US and Russia are at war

It has been going on for endless years so they decide to have a dog fight in 6 months time to see who will be considered winner of the war.
The US invests heavily in steroids for dogs, medicine to improve reactions, implant shark teeth in their dog, cut its ears, its tail, oil it all up, basically anything that can give their contender an advantage.
It ends up being a beast, as massive as a bull just in time for the fight.
The Russians arrive as well at the meeting with a less impressive dog, really low and long, really ugly looking if it were to stand out through anything appart from its odd shape.
Fight starts, the Russian dog pretty much kills the US dog with one bite.
The Americans can't believe it. All that R&D, all those drugs did nothing. They do accept defeat but just have to know how the Russians did it.
-Boris man, we spent all of our remaining money on making this dog as close to a mutant as possible and still your dog won. What the hell?
-I hear you comrade John, but I have to admit that doing a plastic surgery on the alligator was difficult for us as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kexrk/us_and_russia_are_at_war/
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I am a fried nut

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all tied up and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like "HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?" And the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8keve8/i_am_a_fried_nut/
%
I asked my son what he wanted to be when he grew up. He told me he either wants to be a pizza delivery guy or a pool cleaner.

Little bastard must have found my porn stash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ken7x/i_asked_my_son_what_he_wanted_to_be_when_he_grew/
%
Why did the boulder commit suicide?

He hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ken2q/why_did_the_boulder_commit_suicide/
%
I asked the hotel clerk for the porn in my room to be disabled.

She said, “We only have regular porn you sick bastard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kekn7/i_asked_the_hotel_clerk_for_the_porn_in_my_room/
%
What’s the difference between a chef and a homosexual?

One stirs today’s food and the other stirs yesterday’s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kedww/whats_the_difference_between_a_chef_and_a/
%
After six months of marriage I now realize why my wife was so happy on our wedding day.

She knew she had given her last blowjob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8keblz/after_six_months_of_marriage_i_now_realize_why_my/
%
I used to code a lot of HTML

but now it's just some <BODY> that I used to know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8keawu/i_used_to_code_a_lot_of_html/
%
How did Trump accidentally hang himself?

He thought it was fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ke5ct/how_did_trump_accidentally_hang_himself/
%
Australians don't have sex.

Australians mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ke3fh/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You're too young to be smoking!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ke1di/what_did_the_big_chimney_say_to_the_little_chimney/
%
Yesterday I had a dream about swimming in orange juice...

Turns out it was just a Fanta-sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdy62/yesterday_i_had_a_dream_about_swimming_in_orange/
%
A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read....

A man sitting behind her in the church gently taps her on the shoulder and asks "do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, not at all" she replies.
The man stands up, clears his throat and says "BARGAIN". He then sits back down.
"Thank you" the woman says "it means a great deal".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdxmy/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_husbands_funeral/
%
Did you hear about the fire at shoe station?

It was tragic, 100 soles were lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdx7w/did_you_hear_about_the_fire_at_shoe_station/
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Why men shouldn't write advice columns.

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husbands help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with our neighbors daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. H e won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it may be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdwjx/why_men_shouldnt_write_advice_columns/
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Therapists are like prostitutes...

You have to pay them to actually give a fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdv5p/therapists_are_like_prostitutes/
%
Two prawns, Justin and Kristian, were swimming around in the sea one day.

They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.
Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time."
As he said this, a large mysterious Cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!"
And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark.
Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend.
As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached.
It took a while, but eventually Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more.
With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home.
As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."
Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner."
Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed...
I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Kristian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdri3/two_prawns_justin_and_kristian_were_swimming/
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Whats better than having Roses on your Piano?

Having Tulips on your Organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdpuy/whats_better_than_having_roses_on_your_piano/
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Afraid of dying alone...

Become a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdof1/afraid_of_dying_alone/
%
What did the sheep say to its new Facebook friend?

Unfriend me if you don't like what I have to shear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdo2p/what_did_the_sheep_say_to_its_new_facebook_friend/
%
She asks her new boyfriend, "Will you love me always"?

He replies, "Of course. Which way would you like to try first"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdnpu/she_asks_her_new_boyfriend_will_you_love_me_always/
%
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Mohammed Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdng8/reporter_excuse_me_may_i_interview_you/
%
Vincent Van Gogh is having a pint…

His mate Gauguin walks in to the bar and says,
“ Hi Vinny, fancy a beer?”
Vincent says,
“ No thanks , I’ve got one ‘ere…”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdmug/vincent_van_gogh_is_having_a_pint/
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What do you call a baker who has no identity?

John Dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdmkj/what_do_you_call_a_baker_who_has_no_identity/
%
How does a feminist screw in a lightbulb?

She holds it and waits for the world to revolve around her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdm5d/how_does_a_feminist_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, while they're just laying there, her phone rings.
The woman answers and has a short conversation.
When she hangs up her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdkzj/a_woman_is_in_bed_with_her_lover_who_also_happens/
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A joke my 90yr grandad told my whole family...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdkus/a_joke_my_90yr_grandad_told_my_whole_family/
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I like me beer like my women

Full bodied with a high alcohol content and usually imported

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdjft/i_like_me_beer_like_my_women/
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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"
The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."
The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"
The kid says, "The cow ate it all."
"Ok, then where's the cow?"
"It left because there was no more grass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdjcq/a_kid_in_school_hands_in_a_blank_piece_of_paper/
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Birds

If a red bird has red babies and
A bluebird has blue babies what
Kind of bird has no babies?
A Swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdh8u/birds/
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How is it so consistently warm and toasty in Hell?

Good insoulation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdfx3/how_is_it_so_consistently_warm_and_toasty_in_hell/
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A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kdbdc/a_13_year_old_boy_has_difficulty_with_mathematics/
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Two men died and went to hell

Guy A asked Guy B how he died. Guy B said “long exposure to the cold, hypothermia. How about you?”.
Guy A said “i decided to come home early to surprise my wife, but i found her in the bed naked and there were guy clothes on the floor. I confronted her but she refused to admit she was cheating. I searched all over the house but couldn’t find that bastard. In the end my heart gave out from all the running around and i died from a heart attack.”
Guy B says “Dude, if you had search the refrigerator first we would both still be alive!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kda7v/two_men_died_and_went_to_hell/
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I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kda30/i_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_with_a_piece_of_lettuce/
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My friend really got mad at me for sniffing his sister's panties...

I think part of the reason was that the rest of the family was there. It really made the rest of the funeral awkward...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kd95d/my_friend_really_got_mad_at_me_for_sniffing_his/
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A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things

Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kd7w0/a_martian_couple_and_an_earthling_couple_have_met/
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I went to a blind prostitute the other day

She told me I was the biggest she'd ever laid her hands on.
I said "nah, you're pulling my leg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kd1hx/i_went_to_a_blind_prostitute_the_other_day/
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What would Sonic say at the first day of Ramadan month?

Gotta go fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kd14m/what_would_sonic_say_at_the_first_day_of_ramadan/
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What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kd0cc/what_do_you_get_when_you_crossbreed_a_shark_and_a/
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What do you call a nice-smelling hobo?

A fragrant vagrant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcy0w/what_do_you_call_a_nicesmelling_hobo/
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The weirdest part about my colonoscopy was

the doctor telling me that I’d feel a bit of pressure, but both of his hands were on my shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcwbg/the_weirdest_part_about_my_colonoscopy_was/
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If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I would have five dollars, thanks dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcu9m/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_got_anal/
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I go to the gym so infrequently

I still call it James

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kctv1/i_go_to_the_gym_so_infrequently/
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When does a strip poker game start getting good?

When somebody's got a big pair showin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcti1/when_does_a_strip_poker_game_start_getting_good/
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I woke up to a blowjob this morning.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the subway with my mouth open

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcsg3/i_woke_up_to_a_blowjob_this_morning/
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A rabbit seeks for his hole in a Czech pub

Apparently all the holes are taken up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcrqt/a_rabbit_seeks_for_his_hole_in_a_czech_pub/
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Knock knock

Who’s there?
Yanny
Laurel who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcpu4/knock_knock/
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Why was the chicken rancher's daughter so popular with the guys at school?

She knew how to raise cocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcpp8/why_was_the_chicken_ranchers_daughter_so_popular/
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I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcpcx/i_got_my_paycheck_with_a_lemon_slice_on_it_today/
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I can tolerate most stationary..

but pencils make me draw the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcoko/i_can_tolerate_most_stationary/
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There are extreme biases everywhere you look these days, for example..

It's totally okay for everyone paint red freckles on their face for Saint Patrick's Day, but when I wear black face on MLK Day it's a hate crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcmiq/there_are_extreme_biases_everywhere_you_look/
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My friend dropped his box of Italian pastries on the floor.

I cannoli imagine what he must be going through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcmae/my_friend_dropped_his_box_of_italian_pastries_on/
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Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcm0r/trumpets_and_guns/
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A Texan at the Grand Canyon

I had a Slovakian friend who toured the Grand Canyon on his American holiday in a group with a Texan in it. They’re standing on the precipice watching a sunset over the vast Southwest pastel and neon sky, when the Texan points to the stunning, striated canyon walls below and announces, “You know, I could fix that.”
Edit spelling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kclm9/a_texan_at_the_grand_canyon/
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My wife asked me to pass the lip balm....

...by mistake I gave her the super glue and now she won't talk to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcjyj/my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_the_lip_balm/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexia Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kci3t/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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Its Ramadan

Now I have a religious reason to be broke and starving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kch0s/its_ramadan/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcg2z/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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Room #39

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss.
-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.
Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.
The boss agreed though he was surprized at the weird things the client asked to have.
The client went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else.
Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.
After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.
The boss didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.
In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.
He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.
The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.
The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.
After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.
The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 79g.
This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.
Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face.
The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn't arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.
The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.
To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.
The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.
In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
-''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
-''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
-''Swear?''
-''I swear I won't reveal your secret''
So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.
Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kce9z/room_39/
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If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.
*Edit: Thanks for enlightening me, looks like you can't get bailed out of prison. I guess you could say my ass is fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kcazf/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_got_anal/
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"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kc3mp/dead_or_alive_youre_coming_with_me/
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What did Groot say when he got married?

I am Groom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kc1pq/what_did_groot_say_when_he_got_married/
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What was Hitler's favourite game?

Nahtzee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kc0c0/what_was_hitlers_favourite_game/
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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.
30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flatlines and is obviously dead. The Dr rushes in and asks the husband what happened, he looks at the doctor and says “I don’t know, maybe she choked.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kbykm/a_woman_patient_in_a_hospital_had_been_in_a_coma/
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just 1. Feminist screw up everything they touch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kbxdc/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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It's a medical miracle

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts.  When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?"
"Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."
"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kbta1/its_a_medical_miracle/
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All these vagina jokes are getting old

I apologise if I'm ovary acting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kbs6p/all_these_vagina_jokes_are_getting_old/
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How does a muslim buy a punching bag?

Gets married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kbm5a/how_does_a_muslim_buy_a_punching_bag/
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"Hey honey, you've got a call!" says my wife sitting across the room with my phone on the table next to her.

"I'm a little busy babe, could you pick it up please?"
She obliges. "Put it on speaker", I add.
"Hey it's Laurel! I was calling to let you know I had a great time last nig-", my wife hangs up.
She glares at me as I shuffle nervously and demands, "Who the fuck is Laurel!?"
I put my hands up defensivly and yell, "It's not what it sounds like!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kbj6o/hey_honey_youve_got_a_call_says_my_wife_sitting/
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Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims, they went through 89 stories in mere seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kbj4g/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
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The anal optical nerve has been recently discovered.

It connects a person's anus to the back of their eye.
If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kbbut/the_anal_optical_nerve_has_been_recently/
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What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kbb8b/whats_the_difference_between_an_etymologist_and/
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What do gingers and extinct dinosaurs have in common?

Not enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kbb4i/what_do_gingers_and_extinct_dinosaurs_have_in/
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A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kb9ei/a_man_is_recovering_from_surgery_after_a_car/
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A termite walks into a pub

and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kanjw/a_termite_walks_into_a_pub/
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My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kaidn/my_grandpa_left_me_a_violin_and_an_oil_painting/
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What did baby corn say to mommy corn?

"Where is popcorn?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kaf10/what_did_baby_corn_say_to_mommy_corn/
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Babe You want to hear my dream!?

Wife: "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband: "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife: "Those they gave away for free."
Husband: "Oh really? Well, I had a dream too...I dreamt I was at a pussy auction. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife: "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kae84/babe_you_want_to_hear_my_dream/
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A young man was round at his fiancee's home, having a serious talk with her father....

"Sir, I'd like to marry your daughter," he announced .
His girl's father looked at him.
"Have you seen my wife yet?" he asked.
"Oh Yes Sir," replied the man. "but if you don't mind, I'd prefer the daughter sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kae5p/a_young_man_was_round_at_his_fiancees_home_having/
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What do you call a German in a bad mood?

A sour Kraut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8kabfl/what_do_you_call_a_german_in_a_bad_mood/
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Thanos wasn't completely responsible for all the deaths caused by the Infinity Gauntlet...

But he had a hand in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ka8k1/thanos_wasnt_completely_responsible_for_all_the/
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I Googled "how to start a wildfire"

I got 48,500 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ka8d6/i_googled_how_to_start_a_wildfire/
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Two elephants meet a totally naked guy.

After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ka8bf/two_elephants_meet_a_totally_naked_guy/
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One man's trash is another Man's treasure?

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ka72s/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
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I asked my friend, "What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?"

He replied, "I don't know and I don't care."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ka1m1/i_asked_my_friend_whats_the_difference_between/
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After dinner a wife comes into the kitchen

and sees her husband sitting at the dinner table with a fly swatter and asks what he is doing.
Husband: I'm killing flies. I already got two male flies and three females.
Wife: How do you know whether they are male or female.
Husband: Well, I got two on my beer and three on my wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ka0c6/after_dinner_a_wife_comes_into_the_kitchen/
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What do you call a group of platypus in the Wild West?

A plata-posse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k9xv6/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_platypus_in_the_wild/
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Baby names

Right before giving birth, a woman carrying twins falls into a coma and has an emergency C\-section. When she finally woke up, she called the doctor over and asked about her children. "Oh, they're beautiful. You had a boy and a girl." the doctor says.
She begins to smile and asks "Wait, who named them?"
"Your brother" the doctor answered.
"Oh, no. Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name my daughter?"
"Denise" The doctor replied.
"Oh, that's not so bad" the mother replied. "What about my son?"
"Denephew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k9x2f/baby_names/
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So a Cop pulls over a Priest...

Cop: Have you had anything to drink today?
Priest: Just water.
Cop: Then why does it smell like wine in here?
Priest: Dear Lord, he's done it again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k9wim/so_a_cop_pulls_over_a_priest/
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At a bus stop, a girl spotted a handsome man and she told him "I Love You"

The man placed his hand on her head and said, "This love and infatuation are nothing,
go back to your home and study hard so that you may lead a successful life".
He then placed a piece of paper in her hand and said, "I have written some words of wisdom for you. Read it before you sleep tonight" and he looked away.
The girl went back home with tears in her eyes and before sleeping that night, she opened and read the paper.
"Are you blind? My wife was standing behind me. Anyway, this is my number, call me anytime. By the way, I love you too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k9v1p/at_a_bus_stop_a_girl_spotted_a_handsome_man_and/
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What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue?

Sheesh kebabs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k9mk8/what_did_the_exasperated_man_serve_at_his_barbecue/
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Why is it called the mall?

Because instead of shopping at one store, you are shopping at them-all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k9huq/why_is_it_called_the_mall/
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Did you hear about the blind guy who got a cheese grater for his birthday?

It was the most violent book he's ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k9dfv/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_guy_who_got_a_cheese/
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Why did the Photographer kill himself?

A. He had a problem with perspective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k97qj/why_did_the_photographer_kill_himself/
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A chunk of wood that can make nice beats.

Logarithms...
_Here come the down votes._

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k96pr/a_chunk_of_wood_that_can_make_nice_beats/
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Man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to pour him ten shots of whiskey. Bartender says, "Wow, are you sure?" Man replies, "If you had what I have, you'd want ten shots, too." He pours the man his shots and the man takes each one. Bartender says, "Okay, you gotta tell me what it is you've got."

The man replies, "Seventy-five cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k96jk/man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender_to/
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Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

A: Because she was a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k8x6w/q_why_couldnt_helen_keller_drive/
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I can't remember what Pavlov was famous for!

But his name definitely rings a bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k8vuc/i_cant_remember_what_pavlov_was_famous_for/
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When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k8ui1/when_you_say_poop_your_mouth_moves_the_same_way/
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Why was OJ Simpson turned down for the role of Thanos?

The glove didn’t fit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k8t64/why_was_oj_simpson_turned_down_for_the_role_of/
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A philosopher, a biologist, a mathematician and a YouTube celebrity spot a cow in a field whilst on their first trip to Scotland.

Upon discerning the brown colour of the cow’, the philosopher exclaimed ‘Aha! My fellows, you see what knowledge we have garnered? I can hereby assert: cows in Scotland are brown!’
The biologist replied acerbically, ‘Not so fast, my dear friend. It is safe only to assert thus: there are cows in Scotland, at least one of which is brown!’
The mathematician shook his head despairingly. ‘Friends, may your brains be hastier and less speedier. This is the truth at which we arrive: there is at least one cow in Scotland, of which at least one side is brown!’
To which the YouTube celebrity said, ‘Ha, look Dave, it’s your Mum.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k8sx5/a_philosopher_a_biologist_a_mathematician_and_a/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k8qf7/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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Not to be offensive but: I find gay men so hard to understand after you ask them something

It's just they never give a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k8jb9/not_to_be_offensive_but_i_find_gay_men_so_hard_to/
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They might deny pouring glue on my weapons...

But I'm sticking to my guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k8hg2/they_might_deny_pouring_glue_on_my_weapons/
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What is the difference between a pickpocket and a gynecologist?

One snatches watches, the other watches snatches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k8g9r/what_is_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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*Sigh* I spent an hour at my wifes grave last night...

Stupid bitch still thinks I'm digging a pond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k8c53/sigh_i_spent_an_hour_at_my_wifes_grave_last_night/
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I found a hat with £17.50 in it

I thought this other lad was going to pick it up.
But he was too busy juggling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k8bx1/i_found_a_hat_with_1750_in_it/
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What do you call 2 banana peels?

A pair of slippers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k892t/what_do_you_call_2_banana_peels/
%
Why do bulimic girls love KFC?

Cause it comes with the bucket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k88ah/why_do_bulimic_girls_love_kfc/
%
I debated whether or not to post a joke about the recent "what word is being said?" meme

But I've never been one to rest on my yanny's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k81tg/i_debated_whether_or_not_to_post_a_joke_about_the/
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So a couple were having sex

and the man said “Oh yes Laurel! Give it to me good!”
She lashed out saying “who the fuck is Yanny?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7tc0/so_a_couple_were_having_sex/
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An old lady takes her little dog on a photo safari in Africa...

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard.
I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says...................... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7srv/an_old_lady_takes_her_little_dog_on_a_photo/
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Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"
"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.
30 minutes later, Watson returns.
Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smoking his pipe. As Watson enters, he says, "I expected you back 10 minutes ago, but close enough. I've left some dinner on the table for you, it should still be warm".
"But... but... how did you know I'd be back so soon?" Replies Watson.
"When you left, I pondered for a moment at why Ella, someone so youthful and attractive, would want to date an older man of your prestige", explains Sherlock, "I assessed the note that Ella posted earlier this evening. It was in fact addressed to 212b, not 221b Baker Street".
"That's Terry Farnell's address". Say's Watson.
"I'm afraid so", replies Sherlock, "Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7rfn/sherlock_holmes_arrives_back_at_baker_street_as/
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Why does Dr. pepper come in bottles?

Because his wife died  😬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7qex/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_bottles/
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My girlfriend told me she was really glad she finally met a nice guy, who was good in bed, with lots of money.

I should have never introduced her to my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7q9o/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_was_really_glad_she/
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I got a box of wine for my wife

I think it was a good trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7pfq/i_got_a_box_of_wine_for_my_wife/
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While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee...

...His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.  "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.  She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7ouu/while_playing_in_the_backyard_little_johnny_kills/
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An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic...

...He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.  He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?  Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."  Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"  Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.  Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."  Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."  Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"  Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.  Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"  Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."  Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."  Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7ob4/an_old_geezer_who_had_been_a_retired_farmer_for_a/
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Told my wife we’d have to stop sleeping together if I get this job with a mineral extraction company.

Yeah, in most states it’s illegal to have sex with a miner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7o7e/told_my_wife_wed_have_to_stop_sleeping_together/
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A blind man walks into a bar...

...and finds his way to a barstool.  After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.  In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7n1g/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said: can you describe the symptoms
I said: Homer is a fat bloke. Marge has blue hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7mgf/i_went_to_the_doctors_with_hearing_problems/
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America is sure having some bad luck these days.

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7k5w/america_is_sure_having_some_bad_luck_these_days/
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What is the worst thing to give to a cannibal at a dinner party?

The cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7fq9/what_is_the_worst_thing_to_give_to_a_cannibal_at/
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I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

I shouted, "Fuck, seriously?! I was gonna eat that later, but now it will just taste like carrots!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7csk/i_walked_in_on_my_sister_last_night_masturbating/
%
My wife kicked me out. She says it’s because I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k7bpt/my_wife_kicked_me_out_she_says_its_because_i_have/
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Fucked my girl for an hour 45 seconds yesterday

Thanks Daylight Savings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k75h2/fucked_my_girl_for_an_hour_45_seconds_yesterday/
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I need new pals. So I was at my locker before class with all the stuff I like in front of me, attached to yarn. "What're you doing?" asks the Principal. "Fishing for a new friend group. This is stuff Im into they may like." I said. "You cant leave this stuff laying here." He says. So I say "Why..."

It's just clique bate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k73il/i_need_new_pals_so_i_was_at_my_locker_before/
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My girlfriend asked me if she should buy probiotics

I told her my gut feeling was no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k72yc/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_she_should_buy/
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My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued I was told they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius

Sadly, they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k72kt/my_grandpa_left_me_a_violin_and_an_oil_painting/
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Her Weight in Gold

An Arab sheik says to an American tourist. “Mr. Smith, your wife, she is beautiful. I have to have her. I will trade you her weight in gold.”
Mr. Smith says, “Give a few days.”
The sheik asks, “To think it over?”
Mr. Smith says, “Hell, no. To fatten her up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k706w/her_weight_in_gold/
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My girlfriend kicked me out of the house because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

But don't worry... I'll return!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k6zfr/my_girlfriend_kicked_me_out_of_the_house_because/
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My Japanese ex-girlfriend kept trying to get back with me

I had to drop the bomb twice before she finally gave up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k6ya5/my_japanese_exgirlfriend_kept_trying_to_get_back/
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A CEO, a priest, and two lawyers are at a bar.

The older lawyer is mentoring the younger one. A guy on the left asks for a flaming shot, but the bartender trips, and lights the bar on fire. Everyone is running away, when a wooden bar collapses on them.
When everyone comes too, the CEO, the priest, and the older lawyer are all trapped under rubble.
The younger lawyer pulls out a stool, sits down, and says "I only have time to save one of you, so let's have a bidding war!"
The CEO calculates the lowest safe bet and says "Ten Million!"
The Priest says "God will not forget this!"
The older lawyer cries, wipes his face, and says "I have never been so proud in my life!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k6ox2/a_ceo_a_priest_and_two_lawyers_are_at_a_bar/
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I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"...

She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k6n7g/i_called_my_wifes_phone_using_my_best_friends/
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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k6lcn/my_life_completely_changed_after_i_learned_morse/
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I can't believe plant-based protein powder exists

There's no whey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k6epf/i_cant_believe_plantbased_protein_powder_exists/
%
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k668y/i_really_cant_stand_it_when_homeless_guys_shake/
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Good ol’ Edward

A young man called Edward wanted to buy a Birthday present for his new girlfriend. They had only just started going out with each other and she lived a considerable distance away.
Edward consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note: not too romantic and not too personal.
Accordingly, off he went with his sister to Brown Thomas, where they selected a dainty pair of fur-lined, quality leather gloves. While she was there, his sister bought a pair of knickers for herself.
They took advantage of the free gift-wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two items, with the result that the sister got the gloves - and Edward, unknowingly, ended up with the knickers.
Good old Edward sent off his gift-wrapped present in a parcel, with the following letter:
Dearest Mary,
I chose these because I've noticed that you don't wear any when we go out together. If it hadn't been for my sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she prefers shorter ones, which are easier to remove.
They are a very delicate shade, but the shop assistant showed me the pair she'd been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all.
I got her to try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them, even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean - in fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they'll be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year! I do hope you'll wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
Edward
P.S. Mum tells me that the latest fashion is to wear them folded down, with a little bit of fur showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k651j/good_ol_edward/
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Last night I took ecstacy and exlax

Just for shits and giggles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k63k9/last_night_i_took_ecstacy_and_exlax/
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What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bisexual hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie and tie dye watching sci-fi on wifi.
Credits: my bud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k5v5e/what_do_you_call_a_clever_socially_awkward/
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An old married couple are sitting at the table

The wife suddenly rolls up a newspaper, walks over and smacks him in the head with it.
"Ow!" the old man exclaims, "What was that for?!?!" he asks.
The wife says "For 50 years of bad sex."
A few minutes later, the husband rolls up a newspaper, walks over, and hits her in the head with it.
The wife yells back "And what was that for?!?!"
The husband says "For knowing the difference."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k5pqz/an_old_married_couple_are_sitting_at_the_table/
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When is the OP not the OP?

In r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k5pko/when_is_the_op_not_the_op/
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What do you call a dead snake?

A riptile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k5mzc/what_do_you_call_a_dead_snake/
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The Oxymoron poem

Ladies and Gentlemen; hobos and Tramps; bug eyed mosquitos and legged ants: I come here before you to stand behind you to tell you a story I know nothing of.
One cold dark day in the middle of the night two dead boys stood up to fight, back to back they face each other, drew their swords and shot each-other! The deaf policeman heard this noise and came and killed those two dead boys.
Now if you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k5m2e/the_oxymoron_poem/
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An British, Mexican, French and American soldier were drinking around a campfire in Iraq

The British soldier finished drinking his bottle of whisky , threw it into the desert and shot the bottle.
"Why did you do that?" asked the French soldier.
"Because in Britain we have lots of whisky"
The French Soldier finished his bottle of wine, and like the British soldier he proceeded to throw his empty bottle into the desert and shoot it.
"Why did you do that?" asked the Mexican soldier.
"Because in France we have lots of wine."
The Mexican soldier then finished his bottle of Tequila and threw the empty bottle into the desert and shot it.
"Why did you do that?" Asked the American soldier.
"Because in Mexico we have lots of tequila."
The American soldier finished drinking his bottle of Jack Daniels, threw it into the desert and shot the Mexican soldier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k5kxt/an_british_mexican_french_and_american_soldier/
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[nsfw] Meeting after a long time, what did one pussy lip say to it's friend the other lip?

Man, we used to be tight before the dickhead got involved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k5kes/nsfw_meeting_after_a_long_time_what_did_one_pussy/
%
God gets on a bus. He sits down next to a nun.

"Hello," He greets the nun.
She is shocked, but manages to squeak out a "Hi".
God turns around, and suddenly sees the bus driver. He is the most beautiful man God has ever seen.
"He is beautiful." God whispers.
The nun, hearing this, gets an idea. "D- do you want to have sex with him?"
God looks at her.
"I can tell him to meet me in the cemetery tonight. If you dress as me, he'll have sex with you without knowing."
God thinks about it, and agrees to the plan.
That night, God goes out to the cemetery dressed as the nun. He sees the bus driver coming up to Him.
Without warning, the bus driver begins to fuck Him in the ass. After two hours of wonderful sex, God is spent. He decides to scare the bus driver so He can leave.
"Haha," He says, taking off his veil, "I was God all along!"
"Haha," says the bus driver, taking off his dildo, "I was the nun all along!"
God fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k5inr/god_gets_on_a_bus_he_sits_down_next_to_a_nun/
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“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k5git/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_same_thing/
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Do you know how much coke Charlie Sheen does?

Enough to kill two and a half men..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k5ep6/do_you_know_how_much_coke_charlie_sheen_does/
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What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing, she’s fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k5dqx/what_does_a_girl_want_more_than_anything_in_the/
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Which country's capital is the fastest growing?

Ireland's. It's Dublin every year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k59y9/which_countrys_capital_is_the_fastest_growing/
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A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend--another nerd--rode up on an incredible shiny new bright red bicycle.....

The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked,
"WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied,
"Well, yesterday I was walking home,
minding my own business
when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly,
"Good choice..... The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k58j9/a_nerd_was_walking_down_the_sidewalk_one_day_when/
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Charm school

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.
The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Broken Hill
After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from Broken Hill commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from Broken Hill commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"
The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Broken Hill lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"
The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Broken Hill lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried,
"What on earth could they teach you??"
The Broken Hill lady responded,
“Well as an example... Instead of saying,
"Who gives a Fuck?"
I learned to say,
"Well, isn't that fantastic?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k571h/charm_school/
%
Last night my girlfriend called to tell me her pee was cloudy and it had her worrying about her health.

So like a good boyfriend I took to Google to try and put her mind at ease. After reading a few articles I summed up what I found for her.
“Alright babe, you either have a UTI, you are dehydrated or you have the clap.”
“Ohh no, how could this happen?”
“Well two of them I totally understand but why the fuck aren’t you drinking enough water?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k54lp/last_night_my_girlfriend_called_to_tell_me_her/
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People say I'm crazy for asking my watch the answers to the mysteries of the universe

I believe I'll be vindicated some day. Only time will tell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k53hz/people_say_im_crazy_for_asking_my_watch_the/
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Husband for sale...

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Zimbabwe , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
*Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.*
The second floor sign reads:
*Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.*
The third floor sign reads:
*Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.*
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
*Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are good looking and help with the housework.*
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
*Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.*
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
*Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.*
*Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k52va/husband_for_sale/
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A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says to him, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Murray?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k51zl/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
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BREAKING NEWS : URANUS IS NOT A PLANET

..... you're sitting on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k5126/breaking_news_uranus_is_not_a_planet/
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The little black jewish boy...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k509g/the_little_black_jewish_boy/
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What makes a good tongue-twister?

Well, it's hard to say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k4ypq/what_makes_a_good_tonguetwister/
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Why is there no cure for diabetes?

Because they can't have a spoonful of sugar to make the medicine go down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k4yhu/why_is_there_no_cure_for_diabetes/
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My freind David was the victim of ID theft

Now we call him Dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k4txc/my_freind_david_was_the_victim_of_id_theft/
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It's pretty crazy to think that I'm only 25 and have enough money to last me the rest of my life

....assuming I died within the next 15 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k4r47/its_pretty_crazy_to_think_that_im_only_25_and/
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A French teacher asks her new class if any of them know any French.

Young Johnny lets out a parade of F-bombs-
"Whoa! Hey now?! Who told you that was French?" interrupted the teacher.
"My dad. He is always asking people to pardon his French".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k4oj1/a_french_teacher_asks_her_new_class_if_any_of/
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You know why Steve Jobs didn't go to heaven?

He couldn't get past the Gates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k4nmh/you_know_why_steve_jobs_didnt_go_to_heaven/
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At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k4mx0/at_a_first_date/
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I recently had to go to the doctor, my entire body hurt everywhere

I told the doc
"It hurts when I poke my neck",
"It hurts when I poke my chest",
"It hurts when I poke my leg"
The doc took some x-rays and the results came back:
I had broken my finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k4l9s/i_recently_had_to_go_to_the_doctor_my_entire_body/
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Would anyone like to be my buddy?

Asking for a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k4k4u/would_anyone_like_to_be_my_buddy/
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“Nice accent, where are you from?”

“I’m Liberian”
“Sorry” (whispers) “Nice accent, where are you from?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k4i7e/nice_accent_where_are_you_from/
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Helicopter rotors are also air conditioners

When they stop, the pilot starts sweating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k4f93/helicopter_rotors_are_also_air_conditioners/
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A blind man walks into a bar

And a table......and a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k4cee/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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ROYAL WEDDING

On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sofia for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sofia's feet were in agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say ''God, that was tight.''
''There,'' whispered the Queen. ''I told you she was a virgin.''
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. ''Right. Now for the other one.'' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said ''My God. That was even tighter.''
''That's my boy,'' said the Duke. ''Once a sailor, always a sailor.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k4cdl/royal_wedding/
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I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin.

Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k49v9/i_wouldnt_want_to_fly_virgin/
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(NSFW) A man and his girlfriend are on their way to dinner with her parents...

A man and his girlfriend are on their way to dinner where he will meet her parents. Along the way, they see a motorcycle for sale l, real cheap and the leather looks brand new. He asks how to keep the leather real nice and the seller responds " well just before it rains, i rub some of this here vaseline on the leather." Man like s the bike, sold.
They proceed to ride to her parents house on the newly purchased motorcycle and arrive in a timely fashion. Upon entering the house, the man observes dishes everywhere. Piles and piles everywhere in every corner and cabinet.
"Nice to meet you" says the girlfriends father, "in this house we have one rule. No talking during dinner or you have to do all the dishes."  The man is eager to test the father
During dinner everyone sits quiet as they eat. The man grabs his girlfriend and mounts her right there on the dinner table. Everyone is shocked but doesnt say a word. He grabs his girlfriends mother and proceeds to fondle her as noone has any verbal protest.
Suddenly, thunder claps and the man stops. Knowing rain is imminent, he pulls vaseline out of his jacket to go rub the leather of the bike.
The father slams on the table and shouts "ALLRIGHT. ILL DO THE GODDAMN DISHES"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k47uk/nsfw_a_man_and_his_girlfriend_are_on_their_way_to/
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My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother’s surprise party.

That’s when I realized he was her favourite twin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k47dz/my_mother_asked_me_to_hand_out_invitations_to_my/
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Visiting grandpa

So l went to visit my grandpa today. I asked him how is he feeling?
He answers.. Good, good, but that fucking German is stealing my stuff all the time!
I asked.. What German guy?
You know, that German guy!
Is it Alzheimer?
Yes that son of a bitch!
OK grandpa, relax...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k4783/visiting_grandpa/
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Why was the T-Rex angry?

Because he was happy and he knew it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k46l9/why_was_the_trex_angry/
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I was the best man at my own wedding

It was hilarious. I was beside myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k3ycz/i_was_the_best_man_at_my_own_wedding/
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How many Dragonball characters does it take to change one light bulb?

Just one, but it takes three episodes.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k3wri/how_many_dragonball_characters_does_it_take_to/
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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan

When they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Credits : u/scotcheggy's grandfather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k3w6l/a_male_whale_and_a_female_whale_were_swimming_off/
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Steve was caught embezzling from his company

The mild mannered white collar man was sentenced to prison.
He is celled with the largest scariest inmate in the prison, Bubbah.
Steve is shaking in his slippers when Bubbah says
"You have two choices. Do you want to be the husband or the wife?"
Steve can't believe his good fortune and goes for the obvious choice.
"I'll be the husband sir if that's ok?"
Bubbah says
"Fine. Now get over here and suck your wifes dick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k3vcr/steve_was_caught_embezzling_from_his_company/
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My Uncle

My uncle is a southern farmer. One day he witnessed another man dove hunting close to his property line. The man shoots a bird that falls on my uncle’s property line, which my uncle promptly goes to pick up.
The man tries to plea with my uncle but he’s not having it. The dead bird is on his property. Finally my uncle comes up with a solution.
“I will kick you in the nuts 3 times, then you kick me in the nuts 3 times. Whoever is standing at the end will keep the bird. I’m going first.”
The man accepts.
My uncle kicks the man in the nuts. The man takes the first shot like a champ.
My uncle kicks the man in the nuts again, this time harder. The man stumbles a little and is in very obvious pain.
On the 3rd kick, my uncle really gives it to him. It looks something like a field goal kicker. The man hits the ground this time, rolling in agonizing pain.
A few minutes goes by as the man slowly regains his composure.
“Alright, my turn to kick you.”
My uncle replies “Nah it’s okay, you can keep the dead bird.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k3sut/my_uncle/
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Have you heard about this new sex position called The Rodeo?

It's where you put your woman down on all fours, mount her from behind, reach over to feel her tits and then whisper in her ear, "Your sister's boobs are better."
You then try to stay on for 8 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k3qpr/have_you_heard_about_this_new_sex_position_called/
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate it's tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k3nmm/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
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What does a dog and a near sighted gynecologist have in common?

They both have wet noses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k3ncj/what_does_a_dog_and_a_near_sighted_gynecologist/
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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer..

One looks at the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?". The other says "No, not even a little."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k3lkz/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
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I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey

But then I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k3kd4/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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Mole joke

One day the dad mole pops his head out of the mole hole and goes: "I smell pancakes"
Then the mom mole squeezes her head out of the hole and says: " I smell pancakes and syrup"
Then the baby mole tries to squeeze his head up but gets stuck and says: "all I smell are moleasses"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k3kc0/mole_joke/
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What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k3hz7/whats_worse_than_raining_cats_and_dogs/
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I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k3bd4/i_hate_to_admit_it_but_my_wifes_cooking_has/
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A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie...” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus!" exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k3782/a_90yearold_man_goes_for_a_physical_and_all_of/
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What do you call it when you're at a funeral and get a boner?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k372p/what_do_you_call_it_when_youre_at_a_funeral_and/
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A woman walked into a supermarket to buy some broccoli..

She went up to a man in the vegetable department and said, 'Sir, do you have any broccoli?'
The man replied, 'No, ma'am, none today. Come back tomorrow.'
A few hours later, the woman was back again, asking the man, 'Sir, do you have any broccoli?'
'Look, lady, I already told you, we don't have any broccoli today.'
The lady left, only to return again that same day. By this time, the man was exasperated and said, 'What does t-o-m spell in the word tomato?'
She replied, 'Tom.'
'And what does p-o-t spell in the the word potato?' he asked.
'Pot,' was the reply,
He then said, 'And what does f-u-c-k spell in the word broccoli?'
She looked puzzled and said, 'There's no fuck in broccoli.'
He sighed a deep sigh and exclaimed...
'Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you all day!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k36r1/a_woman_walked_into_a_supermarket_to_buy_some/
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A woman visits the doctor to pick up her results

Doc: The tests are back and you’re obese
Patient: I know, it runs in the family
Doc: No one runs in your family, you fat cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k36b1/a_woman_visits_the_doctor_to_pick_up_her_results/
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k369v/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_are_seated_next_to_each/
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Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.
One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.
"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces."
"Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill.
"No, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?" he asks.
Saint Peter replies, "The Titanic only crashed once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k35qp/bill_gates_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Guy meets a girl in a strip bar

The drinks flow and talk soon turns to sex. The girl explains how she only enjoys kinky sex, the kinkier the better and she doubts there is a man alive that is kinkier than her. The man accepts the challenge and they go back to her place.
&nbsp;
The girl invites the guy to make himself at home while she goes and slips in to something more “comfortable”
&nbsp;
20 minutes later she emerges from the bedroom wearing a dog collar, latex peep hole bra, nipple clamps, crotchless panties, stockings and high heels holding handcuffs, a ball gag, whip and a sporting a filthy grin.
&nbsp;
The guy takes one look and gets up to leave.
&nbsp;
*”where you going?”*She asks *“I thought you were the kinkiest mother fucker on the planet????”*
&nbsp;
The guy goes *“Lady, I am. While you were messing around with all that silly shit I fucked your cat in the ass and took a shit in your handbag,”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k35mw/guy_meets_a_girl_in_a_strip_bar/
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How do you make a cat go woof?

A gallon a of gas and some matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k2zw8/how_do_you_make_a_cat_go_woof/
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A blonde walks to a bank.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business  trip for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan.  So the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 car as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k2zgm/a_blonde_walks_to_a_bank/
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I’m worried my grandma has Alzheimer’s

She keeps calling me Dave when my name is Bill
&nbsp;
It’s either that or she’s thinking about someone else when we are having sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k2zfm/im_worried_my_grandma_has_alzheimers/
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A thoughtful rabbi . . .

A man goes to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. “I called your wife and spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man said, "Yes."
So the Rabbi replied, “You should take the poison.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k2z4x/a_thoughtful_rabbi/
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How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it’s nearly finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k2uot/how_do_you_get_americans_to_join_a_world_war/
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Anal sex is a lot like spinach..

If it’s forced upon you as a child you’re unlikely to like it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k2u14/anal_sex_is_a_lot_like_spinach/
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Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What denomination?”
He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too!”
“Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”  I said, “Die heretic!” And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k2tlb/once_i_saw_this_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump_i/
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You can’t have BeefStew as a password...

It’s not stroganoff!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k2p4d/you_cant_have_beefstew_as_a_password/
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Italian wisdom

Eat spaghetti to forgetti your regretti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k2mk4/italian_wisdom/
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The world’s shortest tongue twister (which is kind of a joke right?) - the minimum 2 words long

Irish Wristwatch
Just pissed a lot of people off at work with this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k2lly/the_worlds_shortest_tongue_twister_which_is_kind/
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How did the KKK member guess the name of his daughter's new black boyfriend?

They played hangman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k2kol/how_did_the_kkk_member_guess_the_name_of_his/
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Why did the lonely clock call the lonely ruler?

Cause desperate times call for desperate measures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k2hqd/why_did_the_lonely_clock_call_the_lonely_ruler/
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How do you make 50 toast at once with only one toaster?

Kick the toaster in a swimming pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k2gpo/how_do_you_make_50_toast_at_once_with_only_one/
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The Amish

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k2g3b/the_amish/
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Life is like being a pubic hair on a toilet rim..

Its inevitable someone will piss you off eventually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k29vc/life_is_like_being_a_pubic_hair_on_a_toilet_rim/
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Wanna know how I escaped from Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k26eq/wanna_know_how_i_escaped_from_iraq/
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Police Station Intelligence Test

Apologies if this has been posted before \(I searched, albeit not a lot\). My physics teacher in college told me this one:
They gave a basic intelligence test at the local police station. The kind where you have to stick the geometric shapes in the corresponding holes.
It turns out we have two kinds of cops: Very stupid ones and very strong ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k25p3/police_station_intelligence_test/
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A girl goes to a Church to confess.....

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k25gc/a_girl_goes_to_a_church_to_confess/
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My wife’s name is Wendy...

When we were youngsters, on a drunken dare I got her name tattooed on my erect manhood. When I am not at “full attention”, just the first and last letters are visible.
Recently, we went on a trip to Jamaica, and were enjoying the beautiful “full nude” beaches there. While awaiting my drink at the beach side bar, a local came up to order a drink beside me and I noticed he TOO had “WY” tattooed on his manhood! Startled at the coincidence, I exclaimed while looking at his member, “Hey! Your wife is named Wendy too?!?!”
A slow grin spread on the massive man’s face as he replied in a low and thick Caribbean accent, “... na mon... mine says ‘Welcome to the islands friend, hope you enjoy your stay.’ “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k24ze/my_wifes_name_is_wendy/
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I asked my Roman friend for a high five

Got HIV instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k23re/i_asked_my_roman_friend_for_a_high_five/
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"Love thy neighbor as thyself", the bible said!

But my neighbour did not appreciate me trying to jerk him off  :-/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k23j7/love_thy_neighbor_as_thyself_the_bible_said/
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Pirates would like reddit

"What's your favourite subreddit?"
"I like arrrrrr slash jokes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k202t/pirates_would_like_reddit/
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Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass is tickling their balls...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k1uus/why_do_midgets_laugh_when_they_run/
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Why did the twenty year old anti-vaxxer freak out?

She was having a midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k1lbr/why_did_the_twenty_year_old_antivaxxer_freak_out/
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Will glass coffins become a thing?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k1hch/will_glass_coffins_become_a_thing/
%
I just spent the last 30 minutes trying to get my cat to talk.

He was not amewsed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k1d6q/i_just_spent_the_last_30_minutes_trying_to_get_my/
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k1cm4/what_do_you_call_an_elephant_in_a_phone_booth/
%
I was trying to learn the moonwalk but I wasn't going anywhere...

So I decided to take a couple steps back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k1bvl/i_was_trying_to_learn_the_moonwalk_but_i_wasnt/
%
What does a Jewish bartender do?

Hebrew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k128z/what_does_a_jewish_bartender_do/
%
10,000 blondes meet at a football stadium...

10,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 10,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 10,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 10,000 blondes begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 10,000 blondes jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k0z2z/10000_blondes_meet_at_a_football_stadium/
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I'm 18 and I have yet to have my period. My lil sis is 17 and has been having them since 13, I'm ashamed to talk to my friends because I don't know if I have a problem.

Does it take longer if you're a boy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k0ylj/im_18_and_i_have_yet_to_have_my_period_my_lil_sis/
%
The pastor of a church ate lunch with a newlywed couple

They talked for a bit and had a good time, the pastor inquired about their spiritual health and took a break to go to the bathroom. A couple days after that the wife realized that a silver spoon was missing, she told her husband but he didn't believe the pastor would steal it.
A year later the pastor ate lunch at their house again and the wife just couldn't hold her peace any more. She asked him, "Pastor, last year when you ate lunch at our house a spoon went missing, do you happen to know where it might be?"
The husband tried to apologize for his wife's obvious assertion that the pastor STOLE the spoon but the pastor simply raised his hand to silence the husband and replied, "It's in your bible."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k0uog/the_pastor_of_a_church_ate_lunch_with_a_newlywed/
%
What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They are both meat substitutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k0u5i/what_do_tofu_and_dildos_have_in_common/
%
I was pissing against a wall when I remembered an old Indian saying

“Hey, asshole, if I catch you pissing on my wall again I’m gonna kick your ass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k0q3x/i_was_pissing_against_a_wall_when_i_remembered_an/
%
How did the WWI pilots get to the battlefield?

They went biplane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k0owk/how_did_the_wwi_pilots_get_to_the_battlefield/
%
I'm self conscious about my hairless butt cheeks...

I embarrassed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k0o2z/im_self_conscious_about_my_hairless_butt_cheeks/
%
What happened to the frog that double parked?

It got toad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k0ikr/what_happened_to_the_frog_that_double_parked/
%
All women are bi

The question is whether its sexual or polar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k0fum/all_women_are_bi/
%
A Man is going through Australia Customs...

He is asked by the customs agent “Do you have a criminal record?” To which the man replied “No, I didn’t know that was still a requirement.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k0el1/a_man_is_going_through_australia_customs/
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I never understand why people say that the United States is the most patriotic country in the world

In Russia they manage to get out and vote even after committing suicide!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k0e3h/i_never_understand_why_people_say_that_the_united/
%
Are monks allowed to use email?

Yes, as long as there're no attachments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k0dna/are_monks_allowed_to_use_email/
%
What’s the difference between a teenage girl and the Popes luggage?

One is totes blessed and the other is blessed totes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k09sw/whats_the_difference_between_a_teenage_girl_and/
%
What do Mexicans eat when they visit the snow?

Brrrritos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k0811/what_do_mexicans_eat_when_they_visit_the_snow/
%
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?

Chicken sees a salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k07rq/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_staring_at_a_salad/
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What’s the difference between a psychiatrist and a prostitute?

At least you get the full hour with a prostitute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k078l/whats_the_difference_between_a_psychiatrist_and_a/
%
There once was a man named dave

Who dug up a hookers grave
She was moldy as shit and missing a tit
But think of the money he saved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k01vy/there_once_was_a_man_named_dave/
%
Inspirational quote of the day:

You can't spell "success" without "succ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8k01cx/inspirational_quote_of_the_day/
%
A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks if it needs help with its bags

“No thanks,” it replies, “I’m travelling light.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jzvuf/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel_and_the_bellhop_asks/
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Do you think glass coffins could be a success?

...remains to be seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jzrp8/do_you_think_glass_coffins_could_be_a_success/
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If you brag about listening to Charlie Puth,

You just want attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jzmdv/if_you_brag_about_listening_to_charlie_puth/
%
Why was the cookie crying?

Because his dad was a wafer so long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jzkaz/why_was_the_cookie_crying/
%
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested

I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jzhsl/the_world_tonguetwister_champion_just_got_arrested/
%
Mushrooms...

The breakfast of Champignons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jzh5a/mushrooms/
%
Dad has cancer :(

Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.
When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"
The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jzh23/dad_has_cancer/
%
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jzgfb/theres_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
%
"The holocaust wasn't that bad"

"The holocaust wasn't *that* bad"
"Of course it was!"
"I'll prove it. I'll kill 6 million jews and one horse"
"Why the horse?"
"See? Nobody cares about the jews!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jzg4g/the_holocaust_wasnt_that_bad/
%
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing ! They were both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jzecq/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
A 60 year-old man walks into a confessional, and the priest goes in to hear his confession.

The priest says, "What do you want to tell me, my son?" "The man says, "I stopped at a bar for one short drink last night, and met a 20 year-old woman. We hit it off great, and ended up going to her place. We made love for 5 hours, and I had 3 orgasms without going soft-on even once." The priest tells him to say 10 'Hail Marys'.   The man says,"Wait, I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish." So the priest asks, "Then why are you telling me all this?" The man says, "You?  Hell, I'm telling everybody!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jzb2x/a_60_yearold_man_walks_into_a_confessional_and/
%
I don’t like jokes about existentialism...

...they don’t have a purpose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jzapm/i_dont_like_jokes_about_existentialism/
%
I wrote a joke about indecent exposure.

You probably won't want to see it though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jz95b/i_wrote_a_joke_about_indecent_exposure/
%
What's the best time to use a trampoline?

Spring time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jz7ed/whats_the_best_time_to_use_a_trampoline/
%
Marvel should really use hulk more often for advertisement

After all he is just a giant banner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jz6pd/marvel_should_really_use_hulk_more_often_for/
%
The birds and the bees

A young boy went to a whore house and told the ladies he had never had sex and he wanted to change that. The ladies said "well you're just to young." The boy said "but please, I want to have sex." The ladies told the boy to go outside and go to the tree with the hole in it, and once you figure out what to do with it you can come back..... So a week goes by and the boy comes back and says hes ready. A lady in the whore house says "ok let's go up stairs." They get in the room and the lady asks the boy if he's ready and he said "yes, but hold on." He takes out a stick and hits the lady a couple of times. The lady screams and says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!" The boy said, "Checking for yellowjackets"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jz5ry/the_birds_and_the_bees/
%
I electrified the toilet of a clickbait writer

No. 1 will shock him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jz47q/i_electrified_the_toilet_of_a_clickbait_writer/
%
If a cat could text you back

it wouldn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jz1xw/if_a_cat_could_text_you_back/
%
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water

Might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jz0sh/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_pot_of_boiling_water/
%
A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven.

He meets God and has the opportunity to ask him any question, so he asks who shot JFK. God replies that Oswald acted alone. The conspiracy theorist thinks, "damn, this goes deeper than I thought..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jyz3r/a_conspiracy_theorist_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
I like to copy forum posts from Intel forums to Amd forums. People call me a reposter,

But actually I'm a threadripper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jymnx/i_like_to_copy_forum_posts_from_intel_forums_to/
%
Starting a sugar daddy dating site for people into 80s music.

I'm calling it Girls Just Wanna Have Funds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jymbm/starting_a_sugar_daddy_dating_site_for_people/
%
You've really gotta hand it to short people

Because sometimes, they just can't reach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jylbs/youve_really_gotta_hand_it_to_short_people/
%
My girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo

So I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jyl8m/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a/
%
French people are so hardcore

They eat pain for breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jyixh/french_people_are_so_hardcore/
%
I was dining at a restaurant when I noticed that my waitress had a black eye...

... so I ordered very slowly because she’s obviously a bad listener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jyh09/i_was_dining_at_a_restaurant_when_i_noticed_that/
%
I have a drinking problem and I need help.

If Bob has drunk 2 cups of orange juice and Steve has drunk 3, and each cup has the juice of 4 oranges, how many oranges did the buy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jygoa/i_have_a_drinking_problem_and_i_need_help/
%
If Mister and Misses Bigger had a baby, which one would be the biggest Bigger?

The baby, because he’s just a little Bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jyb3y/if_mister_and_misses_bigger_had_a_baby_which_one/
%
Don’t ever do something for free if you’re good at it

That's why I poo on company's time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jyaxh/dont_ever_do_something_for_free_if_youre_good_at/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jy7hf/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_kkk_member/
%
Why are teen boys the best delivery guys?

Because they always deliver their load in under 8 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jy6hs/why_are_teen_boys_the_best_delivery_guys/
%
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jy1w2/a_woman_asked_a_general_in_the_army_the_last_time/
%
You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water. If it sinks it's girl ant,

If it floats it's boy ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jy1oj/you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by_dropping_it/
%
Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jxy0a/things_have_gotten_so_bad_in_the_us_that_during/
%
John and Mike, both of whom had harelips, hadn't seen each other for 10 years since high school. They happen to run into each other on the street, but John no longer has a harelip.

Mike cries "Yohn! Iss peen so yong thinth I theen you! Put tell me whad' happen wiss your harelip?" John says, "It's amazing isn't it? I don't know why it happened, but one night my wife gave me oral sex, and when I woke up the next day it was all healed. Promise me you'll try the same thing and see if it works for you." Mike promises to try the cure, and meet John the next week. When they meet again Mike still has a harelip. John says, "Well, Mike, it looks like it didn't work for you, huh?" Mike says "No,Yohn, put I must shay, you habb a lovely home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jxntn/john_and_mike_both_of_whom_had_harelips_hadnt/
%
People say marijuana makes you high

But I've not increased in height, only in width

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jxnea/people_say_marijuana_makes_you_high/
%
I almost had a threesome last night

But I was two people short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jxlp9/i_almost_had_a_threesome_last_night/
%
I can count how many times I've been to Chernobyl on my hands.

27.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jxirn/i_can_count_how_many_times_ive_been_to_chernobyl/
%
Jim The Gynaecologist decides to change his career.

Jim had been a Gynaecologist for nearly 20 years and the job had become a little monotonous. There was a void that needed to be filled and work was drying up. He had always been good with his hands and wanted to dive into a new career. Jim had always enjoyed motorcycles, he had owned one for most of his adult life.
That was it! Jim was going to train to become a motorcycle mechanic!
After enrolling on a short course with an examination at the end, Jim would finally be a qualified Mechanic.
The exam was quite strenuous. Jim was required to dismantle a motorcycle diagnose the problem  and reassemble the vehicle so that it worked.
2 months had passed since the exam and a letter came through his door.
Upon opening the letter, Jim found that he had passed the test, scoring 150% and was now a qualified mechanic! Yes!
150%?! Jim was confused...
There was a breakdown of his score included in the letter.
Dismantle the motorcycle and diagnose the problem = 40%
Reassemble with the problem resolved = 60%
Complete the whole process through the exhaust pipe = bonus 50%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jxgj9/jim_the_gynaecologist_decides_to_change_his_career/
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If you don't know the difference between you're and your

It's okay, it happens. Most of you are illiterate anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jxdhg/if_you_dont_know_the_difference_between_youre_and/
%
“Dad, how do stars die?”

“Usually an overdose.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jx551/dad_how_do_stars_die/
%
After Ryan got pushed into a river, he kept yelling that he wasn't wet.

He was in de-Nile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jx4od/after_ryan_got_pushed_into_a_river_he_kept/
%
What do you call two people working together to sell marijuana?

A joint venture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jx3io/what_do_you_call_two_people_working_together_to/
%
A low-ranking general gets transferred to an all- male military base in the middle of nowhere in the Middle East.

There's not a woman for miles.  After a few weeks there, the general develops certain tensions that need to be released, so he summons his adjutant and asks the adjutant what the men do in this situation.
The adjutant nods and tells the general "There's a camel in the tent at the edge of the base.  The men use that..."
The general nods, stands up, and blows past his adjutant in search of this tent.  He locates it and heads inside and absolutely goes nuts on the poor, stunned camel.  His tensions released, the general exits the tent to find his adjutant standing there, ashen faced and trembling.
The adjutant says, "Sir, you didn't let me finish.  The men use that camel to ride to the whorehouse in town..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jx1lu/a_lowranking_general_gets_transferred_to_an_all/
%
Why do Nordic boats have barcodes on them?

So after they get back from war, they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jwxx3/why_do_nordic_boats_have_barcodes_on_them/
%
Why is zero equal to one

cos 0=1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jwsq6/why_is_zero_equal_to_one/
%
Bamboo

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the panda at the door.
"Hey, you just shot my waiter!" screams the manager.
The panda replies "I'm a panda, it's what I do. Look it up."
As the panda walks out the door the manager runs to his office and looks up panda in the dictionary:
Panda – A mammal from the bear family with black and white markings originating from the continent of Asia.
Eats shoots and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jwsc8/bamboo/
%
What do you get when you cross a Dachshund with a Pit Bull?

A Wiener-Pit, just like your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jw6ap/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dachshund_with_a/
%
TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jw65g/til_humans_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jw4c6/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
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A frog wants to get a loan

A frog goes into a bank and speaks to the teller about getting a loan. The teller, Mrs. Whack, brings him over to a desk where they can discuss.
"So, what will this loan be for?"
"It's to buy my father a new stereo. He's super into rock & roll."
"Not to be intrusive, but you don't look very young. How old is your father?"
"He's getting pretty old. His name is Mick Jagger."
"Interesting. I see you have good credit score, so a loan shouldn't be a big problem. We do require some form of collateral in order to give loans though."
"That's no problem." The frogs pulls out a pink porceline elephant and hands it to the teller.
She isn't sure if the item is sufficient enough for the loan and goes to ask her manager about it.
"Sir, there is a frog out there trying to get a loan. He says his father is Mick Jagger and he's trying to buy a stereo for him. This is the only collateral he offered."
"Well Patty, let's see it."
He looks over the piece and eventually gives his thoughts.
"It's a nick nack Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jvx9f/a_frog_wants_to_get_a_loan/
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Two muffins are baking in an oven.

One says to the other, "Wow, it's really hot in here."
The other muffin exclaims, "Holy shit a talking muffin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jvp8h/two_muffins_are_baking_in_an_oven/
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I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver...

But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jvnqa/i_was_once_taught_that_nothing_rhymes_with_silver/
%
My friend just asked me,

"If you became invisible, what would you do first?"
I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jvla5/my_friend_just_asked_me/
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"Jesus Loves You"

A sweet gesture to hear in church but a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jvid9/jesus_loves_you/
%
You never know when half of your life will pass

So I aim to have a midlife crisis everyday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jvi7a/you_never_know_when_half_of_your_life_will_pass/
%
I've Stopped Drinking for Good.

Now I drink for evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jvfr6/ive_stopped_drinking_for_good/
%
The wife said she wanted to go and see

the Jerry Springer show for her birthday.
So I got her sister pregnant!!
We're on next Wednesday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jvfob/the_wife_said_she_wanted_to_go_and_see/
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The best part about working out and eating healthy food:

Eventually you'll be dead and won't have to do this anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jvbmp/the_best_part_about_working_out_and_eating/
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Opinions are like assholes

I wish my girlfriend cared more about mine...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jvb3m/opinions_are_like_assholes/
%
Hey baby, are you a GPU?

Cause I wanna make you mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jvake/hey_baby_are_you_a_gpu/
%
I went to the doctor about my negativity and he diagnosed me with Optical Rectalitis, a condition that affects the nerve between my asshole and eyeballs...

It gives me a shitty outlook on life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jv9ql/i_went_to_the_doctor_about_my_negativity_and_he/
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What is a similarity between heaven...

... and a vagina?
You have to be stiff to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jv90w/what_is_a_similarity_between_heaven/
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop....

...a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jv8sm/in_a_crowded_city_at_a_busy_bus_stop/
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What's white and hurts if it goes in your eye?

A plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jv62u/whats_white_and_hurts_if_it_goes_in_your_eye/
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Happy stories from a remote village

A journalist goes to a poor remote village for a documentary.
He saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:
"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"
The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.
The old man smiled again and started all over again:
"Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!"
The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"
The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began:
“One day I got lost in the mountains.....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8juz21/happy_stories_from_a_remote_village/
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they say people see a white light before they die, but you know what deer see?

Two white lights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8juuh8/they_say_people_see_a_white_light_before_they_die/
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I saw two guys wearing the same outfit and asked them if they were gay?

They arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8juq9x/i_saw_two_guys_wearing_the_same_outfit_and_asked/
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[at auto mechanic]

\[at auto mechanic\]
MECHANIC: Can I help you?
ME: My car won't start
MECHANIC: Umm, that's a bicycle
ME: Because my car won't start, are you even listening?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jupho/at_auto_mechanic/
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r/Jokes subscribers decide to make a meal. What is the main ingredient?

Copypasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jup95/rjokes_subscribers_decide_to_make_a_meal_what_is/
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If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me

He would have an extra $50.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jukbg/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_my_roommate/
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Good advice my Doctor once gave me:

OH MY GOD! THAT'S NOT WHAT ANALGESIC MEANS!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jujke/good_advice_my_doctor_once_gave_me/
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My wife and I went to take golf lessons from a pro at the golf club.

We meet the pro and headed to the driving range. I went first. I swing and hit the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." I followed his instructions and hit the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, "Excellent!"
My wife takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's penis."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jujd2/my_wife_and_i_went_to_take_golf_lessons_from_a/
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My son said, "Thanks for giving me tips on how to be less lazy."

I said, "It's the least I could do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8juhei/my_son_said_thanks_for_giving_me_tips_on_how_to/
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My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jufcf/my_dentist_mocked_me_today_saying_that_even/
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Two men from Alabama are talking

:
+So I boned a girl yesterday ans she was so hot man, i'm talking about a perfect body.
-Really? Do you have a pic from her?
+Yeah sure , look at this.
[Shows nude picture of said woman]
-She's so hot man, look at that rack! And that ass is perfect, I wish I had the oportunity to fuck her, I'd do her good.
+HEY! THAT'S MY SISTER YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8judgj/two_men_from_alabama_are_talking/
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Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jua9x/guy_can_i_buy_you_a_drink/
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What do you call a magician who keeps turning his amnesia medicine into viagra?

A master of missed erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ju992/what_do_you_call_a_magician_who_keeps_turning_his/
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I like my eggs like I like my women...

lightly beaten

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ju5qk/i_like_my_eggs_like_i_like_my_women/
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Whys was the internet so obsessed with the song "Cotton-Eyed Joe" for a short period of time?

I mean, where did it come from where did it go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ju3gg/whys_was_the_internet_so_obsessed_with_the_song/
%
The only thing a flat earther fears?

A sphere itself...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ju20t/the_only_thing_a_flat_earther_fears/
%
I bet you can't name two structures that can hold water

Well, dam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ju1yq/i_bet_you_cant_name_two_structures_that_can_hold/
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I dumped a bowl of trifle over my ex wife after we had an argument.

She took me to court over who should look after the kids after we divorced.
She got custard-y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ju1ro/i_dumped_a_bowl_of_trifle_over_my_ex_wife_after/
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Gotta get something..

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ju1cx/gotta_get_something/
%
Just remember - An annoying song about a Lions nocturnal habits.....

.... is never more than ‘A Whim Away....’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jty43/just_remember_an_annoying_song_about_a_lions/
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Which is more important to women, length or girth?

Turns out it's consent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jtxw1/which_is_more_important_to_women_length_or_girth/
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I went to a Rape Support group the other day

Turns it it was just for the victims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jtwjl/i_went_to_a_rape_support_group_the_other_day/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jtw33/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
I took my old computer to a computer repair shop

I asked the shop owner "My computer is too slow. What can I do ?"
Shop owner inspected the computer and said "It needs some hardware acceleration"
Me: How much acceleration would it need ?
Shop owner: 9.8 meter per second squared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jtuyy/i_took_my_old_computer_to_a_computer_repair_shop/
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My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jtu7e/my_mum_used_to_feed_my_brother_and_i_by_saying/
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A bad workman blames his fools...

**EDIT: tools**
...stupid keyboard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jts4j/a_bad_workman_blames_his_fools/
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My girlfriend said she was leaving me because I was too chivalrous.

I said, "Let me get the door for you on the way out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jtrle/my_girlfriend_said_she_was_leaving_me_because_i/
%
What do you call a magic dog?

Barcane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jtqs3/what_do_you_call_a_magic_dog/
%
I can't take taekwondo seriously..

I just do it for kicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jtog0/i_cant_take_taekwondo_seriously/
%
My wife gets upset at me for hiding kitchen utensils.

But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jtmri/my_wife_gets_upset_at_me_for_hiding_kitchen/
%
My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jtkav/my_new_puppy_just_bit_the_neighbors_kid_so_we_had/
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Dirty man

A man was in confession asking for forgiveness at his local church.
Man: Father I have sinned.
Yesterday my girlfriend was leaning against the sofa and she was wearing a short Dress she looked so sexy I couldn't control myself. I went up behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her from behind uncontrollably.
Priest: oh no no they don't like that sort of behaviour is heaven.
Man: No they don't like it in Walmart either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jtavc/dirty_man/
%
What's brown and rhymes with "snoop"?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jt8d9/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
An husband comes home to his wife of 20 years

Husband: Darling, I’m home and I brought you some aspirins.
Wife: But I don’t have a headache.
Husband: Then let’s fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jszxu/an_husband_comes_home_to_his_wife_of_20_years/
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Yo mama

so ugly her dildo went limp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jsx31/yo_mama/
%
I call my Grandpa, Spiderman. Not because he has superpowers,

he just struggles to get out the bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jsw5q/i_call_my_grandpa_spiderman_not_because_he_has/
%
A young boy asks the girl of his dreams to prom.

She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Just the sight of her turned his stomach into a butterfly exhibit and caused his heart to melt through his chest. She was the sweetest, funniest, and nicest girl he had ever met. She was truly an angel. However, as is the case with most guys when trying to talk to the girl of their dreams, he was always at a loss for words. He just couldn’t seem to talk to her. All he could do was consistently talk about her with his friends, and his friends were getting annoyed. “Just go ask her to prom!”, his friends kept telling him as Spring Prom was just around the corner. “But there is no way the most beautiful girl in the world, would go out with someone like me!” he kept contesting. Finally, after many days of mental distraught, he finally got up enough courage to ask her to prom, and to his utter astonishment, she said yes!
Well given the girl of his dreams was going to prom with him, he knew he had to make it just right. Given the prom was only 2 days away he had so much to do in such little time! That afternoon, he went to the tuxedo store to get a custom tux. However, upon arrival, he was distraught to see a line out the door. Apparently he wasn’t the only one who had secured a date with a fine young lady this weekend!  Finally he made it to the front of line and was fitted for a tux. Unfortunately, due to all the orders, his wouldn’t be ready until Sunday morning.
He could barely sleep Saturday night as he was so nervous. None the less, he was back the tux shop early Sunday morning. However to his horror, the line was just as long, if not longer than before! He had no option but to wait in line. After a few hours, he finally got his tux… and then he realized, “Flowers! I forgot the flowers!” So he drove over to the nearest florist to pick up a bouquet and corsage for his lady. But once again, he was met with a line out the door. Ages past, but he finally got his flowers.
Wanting to make sure she had the best night ever, he knew he had to pick her up in a limo. There was no other option. Alas, when he arrived to pick up the limo, there was a huge line for limo rentals! What are the odds!? As he was waiting in line, he kept looking at his watch and watched as the time kept frittering away. FINALLY he got to the front of line and got his limo. By this time, it was time to pick her up.
Oh was he nervous! However, when she answered the door, he managed to squeak out “wow, you look absolutely stunning!” He had never seen anyone this gorgeous in his life! He took her arm in his and led her to the limo.
To his utter disgust, when they arrived at the location, the line to get in was weaving down what seemed like half the city. They had no option but to wait in line yet again. After the longest wait yet, they finally got in, found a table, and were greeted with yet another line to get their food! All he wanted was to sit down and have a lovely meal with his date. Thankfully, this line didn’t take too long and they were soon seated and sharing a great meal. Everything was going well and they had a great time laughing and talking together. Once the meal was over, they decided to head over to the dance floor…and you guessed it. It was full and there was a line to get in. At this point he was so frustrated with lines, but he had no option other than to wait yet again. Finally they got into the floor and had a great time dancing the night away. Near the end of the evening, she said “Hey, im thirsty, let’s get some punch!” So they walked over to the punch table, and got some punch.
For you see, there was no punchline...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jsto3/a_young_boy_asks_the_girl_of_his_dreams_to_prom/
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What’s the difference between a hired detective and a Gynecologist?

Ones a Private Investigator, the others a Privates Investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jsqpg/whats_the_difference_between_a_hired_detective/
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I have an inferiority complex

..but its not a very good one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jsqj8/i_have_an_inferiority_complex/
%
I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jsqax/i_changed_the_name_of_my_printer_to_george_r_r/
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What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman. They always lie about their weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jsomu/what_weighs_more_50kg_of_iron_or_a_50kg_woman/
%
My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jskob/my_dad_asked_me_the_other_day_are_you_even/
%
My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"

I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe sex.
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jsj02/my_daughter_asked_me_todaydad_what_is_sex/
%
I adopted a kid who wanted to play football.

He isn't that great, but it's ok, he's used to being a sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jshl1/i_adopted_a_kid_who_wanted_to_play_football/
%
What’s the difference between me and cancer

My dad didn’t beat cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jsga4/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
%
I don't really like my job at the bakery.

But it puts bread on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jsg9n/i_dont_really_like_my_job_at_the_bakery/
%
I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.

It had a toxic work environment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jsfts/i_quit_my_job_at_the_radioactive_waste_treatment/
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Scientists discovered that unvaccinated kids are less likely to be autistic.

Because they are more likely to be dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jsbzr/scientists_discovered_that_unvaccinated_kids_are/
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What do you call a stoned dictionary?

High definition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8js6ow/what_do_you_call_a_stoned_dictionary/
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The First 3 Years of Marriage

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8js3xg/the_first_3_years_of_marriage/
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Why couldn't the Bicycle compete in the Tricycle race?

Because it was two-tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8js3q6/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_compete_in_the_tricycle/
%
Little Johnny traveled North to visit his friend during winter...

Little Johnny traveled North to visit his friend during winter time. His friend's mother saw Johnny shivering, so she said, "Come here and put your hands between my thighs to warm them up." Johnny said, "My ears are cold too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jrydp/little_johnny_traveled_north_to_visit_his_friend/
%
I came back from brain surgery

The doctors said they took out the limbic system but I don’t remember what that is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jrul2/i_came_back_from_brain_surgery/
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I have enough money to last the rest of my life...

If I died next Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jrs4x/i_have_enough_money_to_last_the_rest_of_my_life/
%
Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jrkr6/happy_ramadan_to_all_my_muslim_brothers_and/
%
What do you call small rivers in Egypt?

Juveniles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jr9wx/what_do_you_call_small_rivers_in_egypt/
%
A Chinese couple have a baby.

After the birth, the nurse brings the baby around so that  the proud mom and dad can see it for the first time. When the nurse passes the baby to the mother, the parents notice that the baby is Caucasian. "Not our baby!" the father protests. The nurse says, "Of course this is your baby, your wife just gave birth." The father says, "No not our baby. Two Wongs don't make a white."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jr8ka/a_chinese_couple_have_a_baby/
%
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms. [NSFW]

She told me she doesn’t want to bother me while I’m at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jr5e7/i_asked_my_wife_why_she_never_tells_me_when_she/
%
Death is inevitable

The Pacific and Atlantic Oceans start a conversation.
Atlantic: What's up Pacific?
Pacific: I'm not doing too well.
Atlantic: What's the problem.
Pacific: What's the problem? Well I'll tell you what the problem is. Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you may never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but it doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along. Something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel whole, something to make you feel loved. And the truth is I feel so angry, and the truth is I feel so fucking sad, and the truth is I've felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I've been pretending I'm OK, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own. Well, fuck everybody. Amen.
Atlantic stood in shock and silence. The two Oceans stared at each other. Neither of them said a word.
They just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jr1f2/death_is_inevitable/
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As an American in Britain, I often get corrected for the way I spell. But to those people I only have one thing to say...

Fuck u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jqzpy/as_an_american_in_britain_i_often_get_corrected/
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We live in a progressive society.

Everyone is getting progressively stupider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jqyue/we_live_in_a_progressive_society/
%
A kindergarden class returns from recess...

The teacher asks Suzie, "What did you do doing recess?"
Suzie replied, "I climbed on the monkey bars."
The teacher says, “That’s good. Go to the blackboard and if you can write ‘monkey’ correctly I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie. The teacher asks Benny what he did at recess.
Benny said, “I played with Suzie on the monkey bars”
The teacher says, “Good, if you can write ‘bar’ correctly on the blackboard I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie”
Benny does and gets a cookie. The teacher then asks Machmoud Abdallah Mustaffa Abdul Bashir Waheed Muhammad III what he did at recess.
He says, “I tried to play with Suzie and Benny, but they threw woodchips at me and called me racial slurs”
The teacher says, “racial slurs? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’. I’ll give you a cookie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jqx2d/a_kindergarden_class_returns_from_recess/
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Jesus Christ walks into an inn...

... he puts three nails on the innkeeper's table and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jqwqy/jesus_christ_walks_into_an_inn/
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My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.

Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jqpzm/my_grandpa_destroyed_38_planes_in_ww2_killed_58/
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The Lone Ranger

THE LONE RANGER WAS AMBUSHED AND CAPTURED  ... !!!
The  Lone  Ranger  was ambushed and captured by a  hostile Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed,
"So, YOU  are the great Lone Ranger...
In honour of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days."
Before we  kill you, I grant you three requests. What is  your FIRST request?'
The Lone  Ranger said,
"I'd like to speak to my horse Silver."
The Chief  nodded “yes” and Silver was brought before the  Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's  ear, and the horse galloped away.
Later that evening, Silver returned with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the  Indian Chief watched, The blonde  entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent  the night.
The next  morning the Indian Chief admitted that he was  impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse. But we will  still kill you in two days."
"What is  your SECOND request?"
The Lone  Ranger again asked to speak to his horse.
Silver came  to  him,  And he  again whispered in the horse's ear.
As before,  Silver took off and disappeared over the  horizon.
Later that  evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver  again returned,
this time  with a  voluptuous  brunette,  Even more  attractive than the blonde.
She entered the Lone Ranger's tent  and spent  the night.
The  following morning the Indian Chief said:  "You are  indeed a man of many talents,
"but we  will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"
The Lone  Ranger responded,
"I'd like  to speak to my horse - alone."
The Chief  was curious, but he agreed, and Silver  was brought to  The Lone  Ranger's tent.
Once  they were  alone, The Lone  Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears,
looked him  square in the eye and said,
"Listen Very  Carefully!
FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
"BRING  POSSE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jqp5s/the_lone_ranger/
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I've been suffering from diarrhea the past few days

...but I'm finally making some solid progress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jqj8e/ive_been_suffering_from_diarrhea_the_past_few_days/
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Dads are like boomerangs...

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jqitw/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jqhec/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A-flat minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jqft2/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_down_a_mine/
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I like my women like I like my frame rate..

Above 60.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jqbbt/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_frame_rate/
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What do you call an environmentally conscious Mexican?

A green bean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jqawy/what_do_you_call_an_environmentally_conscious/
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I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jq6ko/i_went_to_the_doctors_recently/
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There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Until one day a young woman named BlueBird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone..'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until BlueBird died from exhaustion.
Word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
a woman named YellowBird returned to the village after being away. YellowBird , who was BlueBird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!
Everyone knows.. You can't kill two birds with onestone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jq3pa/there_once_was_an_indian_who_had_only_one/
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A fellow at the library asked me where the self help section is...

but I told him that would defeat the purpose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jq2rw/a_fellow_at_the_library_asked_me_where_the_self/
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One morning over a breakfast, a man begins to think about death.

He tells his wife, "honey, when I die, please don't remarry.  I can't stand the thought of some other asshole using my stuff."  She looks over her coffee and says, "what makes you think I would marry another asshole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jq2it/one_morning_over_a_breakfast_a_man_begins_to/
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The real story of Cinderella

Many people don't know the true story, but the fairy godmother told Cinderella that if she did not return from the ball by midnight, her vagina would turn into a pumpkin. So Cinderella left and the fairy godmother waited patiently for her return. Midnight came, no Cinderella. 2am, no Cinderella. Finally at 4am Cinderella strolls in grinning from ear to ear. The godmother asked Cinderella "What did prince charming say when your vagina turned into a pumpkin?" To which Cinderella replied, "He didn't say anything, i left at 11:30 to go to peter peter the pumpkin eaters house"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jq1gh/the_real_story_of_cinderella/
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What do you call a gangster who wears eyeliner?

An emoji.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jpzuw/what_do_you_call_a_gangster_who_wears_eyeliner/
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Did you hear about the guy who died after smoking a whole cigarette in under a second?

What a drag!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jpwwm/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_died_after_smoking/
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What do you call someone whose stepmom is younger than their girlfriend?

Donald Trump, Jr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jpvhv/what_do_you_call_someone_whose_stepmom_is_younger/
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Yo momma so FAT,

She has a 4GB file size limit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jpusd/yo_momma_so_fat/
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A man goes to see his doctor......

And tells his doctor he wants to be casturated.  The doctor looks at him and says, "Sir, you know this is a life altering surgery.". The guy replies, "I know doc, and I've been thinking of this for the last 5 yrs and you won't change my mind!". The doctor goes through with the surgery and the man is sent to recovery.  Walking around the next day a bit bow legged given the operation, he meets another gentleman walking the same way.  He says to him, "You must have just had the same operation I did.". The gentleman replied, "Yeah, after all these years I finally decided to get a circumsision.". The patient stares blankly and goes, "Fuck, that's the word."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jpsp3/a_man_goes_to_see_his_doctor/
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How much of Canada’s land is further north than Norway?

Nunavut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jpqne/how_much_of_canadas_land_is_further_north_than/
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Matthew McConaughey just bought NASCAR

And he's making racers drive the opposite direction. Now instead of making left turns, they're going all right, all right, all right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jpq8m/matthew_mcconaughey_just_bought_nascar/
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Telling a good joke is like running a dictatorship

It’s all about the right execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jpl8c/telling_a_good_joke_is_like_running_a_dictatorship/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jpffw/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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What's the difference between Lady Godiva and a lost golf ball?

A lost golf ball is a hunt on a course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jpcnv/whats_the_difference_between_lady_godiva_and_a/
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My Dad showed me how to make bread, then he wanted me to do it on my own...

While I was kneeding the dough, he said, "This time, I won't tell you what to do next"
I told him, "I don't need you to"
He said, "Prove it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jp9i3/my_dad_showed_me_how_to_make_bread_then_he_wanted/
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Two fish sitting in a tank

One turns to the other and says “you drive and I’ll man the cannon”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jp863/two_fish_sitting_in_a_tank/
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Why did the robber go to the circus?

“To steal the show.”  This joke was brought to you by my 2nd grade daughter. ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jp1mh/why_did_the_robber_go_to_the_circus/
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I didn't steal your lute

Are you calling me a lyre?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8joukx/i_didnt_steal_your_lute/
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A bear was hunting a rabbit through a forest.

They passed a magic lake, where a magic toad lived. The toad called them over and said "because you are the first animals I have seen, I will grant you three wishes each.
The rabbit said that the bear should go first.
The bear said "I wish for all bears except me, in this forest to become female."
The toad did a small jump and the bears wish came true. Now it was the rabbits turn.
The rabbit said " I want a bike helmet"
The bear found this weird, since the rabbit could have just wished for money.
The toad jumped and the rabbit got his helmet and put it on.
For the bears second wish he said " I want to become irresistible for all female bears"
the toad jumped and the bears wish came true.
For the rabbits second wish he said " I want a bike"
The toad jumped, the wish came true, and the rabbit got on the bike and turned on the engine.
The bear thought a bit about his last wish before he said "I wish for all bears in the world except me, to becone female"
The toad jumped and the wish came true.
For his last question the rabbit started driving away and shouted to the toad "I wish for the bear to become gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jotmo/a_bear_was_hunting_a_rabbit_through_a_forest/
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Dark humor is like food...

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jotg5/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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They say a woman's work is never done

which is why they get paid less than men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jopj3/they_say_a_womans_work_is_never_done/
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.......

Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted,
"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8johhg/little_april_was_not_the_best_student_in_sunday/
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Give a man a beer, he'll hang for a while...

...Give a man a rope and he'll hang for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jofiy/give_a_man_a_beer_hell_hang_for_a_while/
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What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife?

Nothing, he's gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jof35/what_did_spartacus_say_to_the_cannibal_who_killed/
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I’m starting a tv show where I play hide and seek with my uncle.

I’m going to call it naked and afraid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jodpt/im_starting_a_tv_show_where_i_play_hide_and_seek/
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I’ll admit the Avengers had a plan

But in the end, they lacked vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jo2qe/ill_admit_the_avengers_had_a_plan/
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A beautiful prostitute attended a high profile function..

When it was time for introductions you could hear, I am Dr this and that, professor this or that, Barristers, engineers this and that.
When it was the turn of the prostitute, she calmly said she is a Civil Engineer.
Another curious engineer in the room got interested and asked her for area of specialization.
The lady calmly responded "I demolish erections"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jo29v/a_beautiful_prostitute_attended_a_high_profile/
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I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early.

She told me to use the back door and I’d have to be quick...
In hindsight I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jo159/i_was_having_sex_with_a_woman_when_her_husband/
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Wanna hear a joke about paper?

Nevermind, it's tearable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jo0rf/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_paper/
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Why does each Jedi have a fat stomach and saggy ass?

Only a Sith deals in abs n glutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jnxj9/why_does_each_jedi_have_a_fat_stomach_and_saggy/
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Have you heard about the man with dandruff who lost the top half of his body?

I hadn’t either, until I found his Head & Shoulders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jnwvg/have_you_heard_about_the_man_with_dandruff_who/
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For blind people, there are always two sides to a coin

The one they can't see and the one they can't see either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jnwsj/for_blind_people_there_are_always_two_sides_to_a/
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Three men died and are waiting at the gates of heaven.

The three men approach St. Peter and he informs them "In order to get into heaven you must confess your worst sin"
The first man steps up and confesses his sin, "I stole a car St. Peter." St. Peter responds, "Bless yourself with the holy water and you may enter heaven my child."
The second man steps up and proclaims, "I am deeply sorry but I robbed a bank." "Bless yourself with the holy water and you may enter heaven my child" says St. Peter.
The third man steps up looking scared, "What is wrong my child? Simply confess your sin and you will be allowed into heaven" St. Peter tells him. The man looks up at St. Peter and  stutters, "Well... I peed in the holy water"
(This was my favorite joke as a kid, Im sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jnspz/three_men_died_and_are_waiting_at_the_gates_of/
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If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jnry5/if_im_ever_on_life_support_unplug_me/
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What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.
The real joke is that this is what my fortune cookie said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jnr37/what_do_you_call_a_sheep_with_no_legs/
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Most lists are general and ordinary

But there are a couple specialists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jnqu1/most_lists_are_general_and_ordinary/
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The Eagles held the record for bestselling album of all time.

That was until Micheal Jackson beat it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jnqfw/the_eagles_held_the_record_for_bestselling_album/
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I walked into a library and asked the librarian, "do you have a bookmark?"

He replied, "Of course I have a book, this is a library!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jnmsb/i_walked_into_a_library_and_asked_the_librarian/
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Wife:"How would you describe me?"

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jnm5y/wifehow_would_you_describe_me/
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Did you hear about the duck with a drug problem?

He was addicted to quack cocaine
(I honestly wish I could take credit for this)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jnhf7/did_you_hear_about_the_duck_with_a_drug_problem/
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How do you know a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jnfpj/how_do_you_know_a_sniper_likes_you/
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If a building has 12 floors and each one is named after a month, how do you call the elevator?

By pressing the button

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jne9z/if_a_building_has_12_floors_and_each_one_is_named/
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God kinda fucked us...

Even from the beginning, man came first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jndya/god_kinda_fucked_us/
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How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but it takes him ten episodes to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jncly/how_many_dragon_ball_z_characters_does_it_take_to/
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An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jn9lp/an_old_man_is_dying/
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A girl asked her dad "Why is my name Rose?"

Her dad said "Because when you were a baby, a rose petal fell to your forehead"
The girl's sister asked the same. "Daddy, why is my name Lily?"
"As a baby, the petal of a lily flower fell on your head."
The youngest daughter then approached.
"AUUGHMMGRNMMM"
"Shut up, Cinderblock." The dad said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jn22w/a_girl_asked_her_dad_why_is_my_name_rose/
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I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk...

...but I never got the chants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jn0pt/i_always_wanted_to_be_a_gregorian_monk/
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Little Johnny’s father

First grade teacher is going around the class asking the students what their dads do for a living.
She asks Sally and Sally says that her dad is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail.
The teacher asks Tommy and Tommy says that his dad is a doctor and he helps cure sick people.
The teacher finally asks little Johnny what his dad does. Johnny says “My dad is dead.” The teacher tries to redirect and asks Johnny what his dad did before he passed away.
Johnny says “He turned blue and shit on the carpet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jmz53/little_johnnys_father/
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What is a rare material in the bee community?

Hiveory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jmwwo/what_is_a_rare_material_in_the_bee_community/
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A blonde girl is tired of people making dumb blonde jokes...

So she decides to gather a stadium full of blondes to prove that not all blondes are dumb. She picks one woman from the crowd and asks her,
"What is the square root of 144?"
The woman thinks long and hard and answers, "Uhmmm, 7?"
The stadium starts chanting, "one more try! one more try!"
The host decides to try again, this time with an easer question, "what is 20 divided by 5?"
Again the woman takes a second to think and says, "14?"
Once more the stadium starts chanting, "one more try! One more try!"
Nervous, the host asks the simplest question she can think of, "what is 2+2?"
The woman thinks about the answer for about 5 minutes before saying "4!"
The whole stadium erupts as everyone yells "one more try! One more try!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jmsys/a_blonde_girl_is_tired_of_people_making_dumb/
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A mother allowed her daughter to attend a friend's party.

The mother wanted to make sure that her daughter would be safe that night. She taught her that if boys ever approached, ask them "What will be our baby's name?" to keep them away.
At the party, a boy got close to the daughter but was immediately asked, "What will be our baby's name?". The boy then backed off.
Later, a second boy was able to start a conversation but was cut short with "What will be our baby's name?". He swallowed his words and retreated.
Even later, a third boy was able to bring the girl alone into one of rooms. She asked, "What will be our baby's name?". The boy started to undress her and got himself prepared. She asked again, "What will be our baby's name?". He brought the girl to bed and they had sex. When they finished, she asked a third time "What will be our baby's name?". He took off and tied his condom and said," If they ever escape, it's going to be Harry Houdini."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jmsfm/a_mother_allowed_her_daughter_to_attend_a_friends/
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I recently lost my job as a drill instructor...

...who knew you weren't supposed to beat your privates in public?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jmqns/i_recently_lost_my_job_as_a_drill_instructor/
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What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jmq94/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeve/
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Why did the Christian convert quit his job at the sewer company?

Because entering manholes was no longer his thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jmpff/why_did_the_christian_convert_quit_his_job_at_the/
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What do you call someone who made their own business selling cow poop?

An entremanure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jmoyl/what_do_you_call_someone_who_made_their_own/
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What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

One snatches your watch....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jmn8k/whats_the_difference_between_a_pick_pocket_and_a/
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It's easy to make fun of short people.

The jokes always go over their head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jmget/its_easy_to_make_fun_of_short_people/
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“Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

“Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!”
“Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jmfqw/well_mrs_smith_it_would_seem_that_youre_pregnant/
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Alcohol Free Beer

Is a lot like going down on your sister.
&nbsp;
It tastes the same but it’s just plain wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jmem3/alcohol_free_beer/
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I woke up in the hotel room and the housekeeper was banging on the door, just banging.

Finally, I had to get up and let her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jmde0/i_woke_up_in_the_hotel_room_and_the_housekeeper/
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Deaf Mafia

A Mafia gang  takes on a deaf man to run their deliveries, feeling it would be safer having someone unable to overhear their conversations. However, one day when he is to deliver a large sum of money, he never shows up with it. The mobsters track him down, but they don’t find the money on him. None of them know sign language, so they get an interpreter.
Mobster: “Where did you hide the money?” (Interpreter signs the question.)
The bag man signs his reply. The interpreter says “he says he had to ditch it in the river because the cops were onto him.”
Mobster: “I’m not fooling around! You better tell me where that money is!” (Interpreter again signs.)
The bag man signs his reply and the interpreter relays, “He swears he is telling the truth. He had to get rid of it.”
The mobster pulls out a revolver and points it between the deaf man’s eyes. “Tell me where it is or I’ll kill you right now!” (Interpreter signs his statement.)
The bag man, sweating profusely, signs “It’s inside a shoebox under a loose floorboard in my bedroom closet”
The Interpreter says to the Mafia “He says he doesn’t know where it is and he doesn’t think you have the guts to pull the trigger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jm7o9/deaf_mafia/
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A dwarf walks up to a lady and says...

I’m three foot and 10 inches...
And those are two different measurements!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jm6tu/a_dwarf_walks_up_to_a_lady_and_says/
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0 K, man.

What an absolute unit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jm5hi/0_k_man/
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Punctuation is very important...

There's a Maypole dancer.
Theresa May, pole dancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jm5bw/punctuation_is_very_important/
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Jesus relieves St. Peter at he pearly gates for a coffee break.

Soon an old man approaches to be admitted. Jesus thinks to himself..."Oh man, I know this guy from somewhere." Embarrassed, he says, "Yes, I know you. On Earth you lived...let's see..." The old man says, "I lived in a Mediterranean country." Jesus says, "Right, I remember. And you worked as...uh..." "I was a carpenter." the old man says. "Yes, and kids, you had..." The old man says, "Well there was the boy, but he wasn't really mine." Then it clicks, Jesus looks at the old man and cries, "Dad!" and the old man cries, "Pinocchio!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jm4s4/jesus_relieves_st_peter_at_he_pearly_gates_for_a/
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This was a terrible day.

First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then, I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jm3g7/this_was_a_terrible_day/
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Helping a friend.

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner,  unannounced at 7.30 pm after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
Wife: The dishes are not done, the house is a mess, there is no grocery and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?
Husband: Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jm3fr/helping_a_friend/
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I bought a wooden whistle

...but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle.  And it steel wooden whistle.
Then I bought a lead whistle.  It steel wooden lead me whistle.
Finally, I bought a tin whistle.  Now I can whistle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jm2s9/i_bought_a_wooden_whistle/
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Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jm2m8/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_2_doors/
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"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jm2cr/dad_look_im_a_3d_printer/
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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church..

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man.
"We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jm2c2/a_young_newlywed_couple_wanted_to_join_a_church/
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A man kills a deer...

A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner but tells the wife not to tell the children what type of meat they will be eating. Later as they're enjoying their meal the father asks his children if they know what type of meat they'd been enjoying. With puzzled looks on their faces he adds, 'It's what mommy calls daddy'.
The oldest grabs the forks of his younger siblings and exclaims, 'Don't eat that, its an asshole!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jlxu4/a_man_kills_a_deer/
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The order which you tell it.

What's the most important part of a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jlukh/the_order_which_you_tell_it/
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Weight issues

Kid wakes up in the middle of the night to hear creaking from his parents bedroom. He slowly walks down the hallway to see what’s causing it. Peeks through the crack of the door of his parents room and sees his mom bouncing up and down on top of daddy. Satisfied in knowing where the noise is coming from he goes back to bed.
Next morning as they’re eating breakfast kid asks his mom a question.
Kid: “Mommy, what were you doing bouncing up and down on top of daddy last night?”
Mom a little flustered trying to think of a quick answer: “Well son, daddy’s belly has been getting bigger like a balloon so I was bouncing on it to make it smaller”
Kid: “that’s not going to work mom”
Mom: “Why won’t that work son?”
Kid: “Because everyday after you leave for work, the lady next door comes by and blows him back up”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jlr5m/weight_issues/
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Most adults have a dark secret...

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”.
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother, he says , “I know the whole truth”.
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father”.
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to come home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth”.
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother”.
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next morning when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, smiles and says :
“Really!? Then come give your real Daddy a big hug!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jll3r/most_adults_have_a_dark_secret/
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A tourist bus crashes and all the passengers die.

The crowd of recently deceased is gathered at the pearly gates. St. Peter comes out and says: "OK. I want you to form three lines. One for the women, one for the men who were always bossed around by their wives, and the last for men who were the boss of their household."
People shuffle around for a good hour. At the end, there is a long line of women, a long line of men who were bossed around by their wives, and only one man in the third line.
St. Peter approaches the man and says: "It's been years since I've seen a man in the third line. Are you sure you're in the right line?"
The man hesitates, and answers: "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jlj9r/a_tourist_bus_crashes_and_all_the_passengers_die/
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We used to call my Grandad spiderman...

He wasn't agile, he just couldn't get out of the bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jl9zz/we_used_to_call_my_grandad_spiderman/
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What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who ate his wife?

Nothing, he's gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jl9wv/what_did_spartacus_say_to_the_cannibal_who_ate/
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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The ISIS commander told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”
The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”
The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”
The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”
“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.
“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.
So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the commander dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his rucksack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”
“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jl9ie/a_cnn_reporter_a_bbc_reporter_and_an_israeli/
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Football game on Noah's Ark

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoceros and once he gets going you cant stop him. Soon the first half is over and the score is 24-7. The second half begins and while in the huddle Rhinoceros looks over at B-Decks defensive line and sees Centipede on their defensive line. "Give me the ball," he says, "There aren't going to be any centipedes in the new world because I'm crushing this one right here and right now" The Center snaps the ball and the quarterback hands it off to Rhinoceros who begins charging down Centipede. Centipede rears up grabs Rhinoceros by the legs and SLAMS him to the deck. Ball pops loose, centipede grabs the ball. He's rushing down the field weaving in and out and TOUCHDOWN!!! The crowd goes wild! C-Deck's captain, Lion rushes over and says, "Centipede that was amazing! Where were you in the first half?" "Well I was lacing my shoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jl96n/football_game_on_noahs_ark/
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I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious today.

Well, I’m assuming she was poor because she had only a dollar in her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jl87z/i_saw_a_poor_old_lady_fall_unconscious_today/
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People say I’ll have sex with anything with a pulse...

I just wonder, what’s a pulse got to do with anything?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jl5pg/people_say_ill_have_sex_with_anything_with_a_pulse/
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A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"

The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all."
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, "But that snake IS venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jl5oi/a_boy_scout_says_to_his_scout_leader_sir_is_this/
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I have no ides what's Nihilism

It means nothing to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jl46c/i_have_no_ides_whats_nihilism/
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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jl2lz/a_man_asks_a_farmer_near_a_field_sorry_sir_would/
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Two terrorists were installing a bomb

One says to another “what will happen if this one explodes while we are installing it?”
The other responds:
“Don’t worry I’m carrying a spare”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jl27e/two_terrorists_were_installing_a_bomb/
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I'm thinking of starting a social media network for chickens

But not as my full-time job. Just as a way to make hens meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jkwlh/im_thinking_of_starting_a_social_media_network/
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Today i learned

TIL that dyslexia is the same forward and backwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jku6r/today_i_learned/
%
They say a woman's work is never done

maybe that's why they get paid less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jktl0/they_say_a_womans_work_is_never_done/
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The inventor of wax strips has just died.

RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jksr3/the_inventor_of_wax_strips_has_just_died/
%
Stalin enters his balcony

Cold russian morning. Stalin enters his balcony, looks around his dacha. The sun from the sky:
"Good morning, comrade Stalin!"
"Yeah, morning!"
In the afternoon, Stalin enters his balcony again. The sun:
"Good afternoon, comrade Stalin!"
"Yeah, good afternoon."
In the evening, Stalin enters his balcony the third time. The sun on the sky is silent.
"Hey, sun, why don't you say hello to me?"
"Fuck you! I'm in the West now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jklfu/stalin_enters_his_balcony/
%
I'm turning 50 tomorrow and my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers, so I did...

She's 22 and her name is Candy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jkjf9/im_turning_50_tomorrow_and_my_wife_suggested_i/
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Dentist: "This is only gonna hurt a little bit ok?"

Kid patient: "Umm ok.."
Dentist: "I've been sleeping with your mom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jk9mj/dentist_this_is_only_gonna_hurt_a_little_bit_ok/
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[NSFW] Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jk8mn/nsfw_little_april_was_not_the_best_student_in/
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How does the Norse God of mischief like to celebrate his birthday?

He likes to keep it low-key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jk3yh/how_does_the_norse_god_of_mischief_like_to/
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A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name

He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.
When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love," inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground. "What happened?" She asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jjzqq/a_boy_named_carol_had_a_particularly_rough/
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"If women ruled the world, there'd be no wars", said my wife...

"That's true", I replied. "Wars requires strategy and logic".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jjzo8/if_women_ruled_the_world_thered_be_no_wars_said/
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Tell a man a joke and he'll laugh for a day.

Tell a redditor a joke and he'll repost it for a lifetime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jjuxr/tell_a_man_a_joke_and_hell_laugh_for_a_day/
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2 ducks are walking down the street.

2 ducks are walking down the street when they see each other. It's love at first sight. They immediately start talking and within 5 minutes they are getting a hotel room together. As the evening progresses, they are about to have sex, when one duck asks the other if he has a condom. He says "I don't, but I can get one from reception." So he heads down to reception, and slightly embarrassed asks if he can buy a condom. The receptionist says, "of course, would you like it on your bill." The duck responds outraged, "what kind of sick bastard do you think I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jjs47/2_ducks_are_walking_down_the_street/
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Why do witches avoid poker games?

Because they hate seeing the stakes being raised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jjlqp/why_do_witches_avoid_poker_games/
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Why are there so few dark skinned students at Hogwarts?

Because most of them were expelled for using Black magic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jjl1h/why_are_there_so_few_dark_skinned_students_at/
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What happens to Minecraft characters when they turn 16?

They grow cubic hair!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jjko2/what_happens_to_minecraft_characters_when_they/
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My family was having trouble deciding on a vacation destination

So I said Phuket, let’s just go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jjkif/my_family_was_having_trouble_deciding_on_a/
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A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

*A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.*
Daughter: God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
Dad: why did you say that?
Daughter: I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
*The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.*
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says: God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
*Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.*
*The Dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).*
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime: God bless mommy....(she turns her head and looks straight at him) and goodbye daddy.
Dad: What!? are you sure honey?
*She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.*
*The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.*
*He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.*
His wife is up and waiting for him: Where the hell were you today??!
He replies: Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says: You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jjk2l/a_father_is_listening_to_his_daughter_say_her/
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You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it’s there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jjgqo/you_know_when_you_get_the_urge_to_eat_something/
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What is Thanos' favourite game?

Half-Life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jje5r/what_is_thanos_favourite_game/
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The mother who injected her 8 year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Her daughter didn’t look surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jjcl4/the_mother_who_injected_her_8_yearold_child_with/
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Grandmas Tattoo

I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper.
She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her bony hand, and says "you know dear..... I have a tattoo too......" and her husband says "Grace, leave her alone, she's working" I'm curious, I'm nosy, so I say "Oh really, of what?" Grandpa rolls his eyes and goes "here we go...".
Grandma says "It's ... a tiny ... little ... mouse" using the best of her ancient breath to get the words out. "would you like to see it?". Um hell yeah I wanna see a 90 year old's tattoo! She goes "it's on my hip, hold on" and pulls her blanket off and then starts trying to pull her skirt down. Her old lady flesh is totally exposed to the sun (we were on a patio) and I'm using menus to try to shield her, I was that worried it would just burst to flames or something. She keeps pulling at her clothes going "hmmm now where is it, where is it..." getting dangerously close to seeing old lady pubes now.
Finally she looks up at me and say "Well, you know what... It's gone! I bet my pussy ate it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jj7wi/grandmas_tattoo/
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What do you call James Bond in a bathtub?

Bubble-O-7
(I'll see myself out.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jj7b5/what_do_you_call_james_bond_in_a_bathtub/
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They gave an award for my cat's rear

It was a catastrophe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jj549/they_gave_an_award_for_my_cats_rear/
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Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day... Push a man out of a plane...

And he'll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jj4am/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_hell_fly_for_a_day/
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50 Shades of Golf

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?'  I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing some lingerie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. She's been reading '50 Shades of Grey' and the room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.  Then she said, "Do whatever you want. So, here I am!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jj3i4/50_shades_of_golf/
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I wanted to be a vigilante but...

the heroin lifestyle is too dangerous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jj1yc/i_wanted_to_be_a_vigilante_but/
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What kind of shorts does a cloud wear?

thunderwear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jj00a/what_kind_of_shorts_does_a_cloud_wear/
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A couple move to Nevada and the husband hits it big at the casino

He rushes into his house and yells to his wife,
"Pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!"
The wife replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The husband responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jiyd0/a_couple_move_to_nevada_and_the_husband_hits_it/
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What do you get when you empty the Smithsonian?

The Air and Space museum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jixvc/what_do_you_get_when_you_empty_the_smithsonian/
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Why wasn't the redneck girl cut out to be a nun?

She thought being a sister would get her some action.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jivgj/why_wasnt_the_redneck_girl_cut_out_to_be_a_nun/
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Mountains aren't funny...

They're hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jiv1t/mountains_arent_funny/
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What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh Sheet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jirrz/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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I slide her panties to the side

So I could fit her socks in the drawer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jir08/i_slide_her_panties_to_the_side/
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A woman brings her son to the doctor

Woman: Doctor help! My son is falling behind other children. What can I do to speed up his development?
Doctor: Have you tried lowering his graphics?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jiqdh/a_woman_brings_her_son_to_the_doctor/
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I signed up for my companies 401K...

But I don't think I can run that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jip9w/i_signed_up_for_my_companies_401k/
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Grant Me a Wish

The other day, I found a lamp on the ground and rubbed it; to my surprise, a genie popped out. The genie asked “You may have three wishes. What is your first desire?” I requested “Oh genie, make sure I don’t die a virgin”. The genie waited a moment, then said “Done.” He quickly pulled out a gun, and shot me in the head five times before I could even react. To my surprise, I didn’t die. “Genie, what the hell was that for?”, I asked angrily. The genie replied: “Simple: you asked not to die a virgin, so I granted you immortality.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jip9a/grant_me_a_wish/
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Yes I identify as chocolate.

I use her/she pronouns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jinjn/yes_i_identify_as_chocolate/
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A day in the ER

Sean Bean's wife brings her husband into the Emergency department with a broken nose and a bruised shoulder. During triage the nurse asks how the Sean sustained the injuries. After a nudge from his wife, he sullenly replies "I was looking over my shoulder and walked into a door." The nurse wonders how he hit his nose if he was looking back but decides not to question him further and discharges him.
A week later the wife brings him in again, this time he has two black eyes, and the hair on the back of his head is matted with blood. During triage, the nurse asks whether the injuries are due to domestic abuse and how they were obtained. He glances at his wife and quickly replies "no no, I bent to pick up something on the floor and hit my head on the doorknob standing back up." Again the nurse doubts his story, and slips some domestic abuse resources into his discharge paperwork.
A month later, the Sean comes in alone, with a broken arm and missing a tooth. The nurse says "before we start, I want to remind you that you are in a safe place and there are places you can go if you need somewhere to stay. Now tell me what happened and be honest, we all know one does not simply walk into more doors."
Sean Bean credit to /u/ArenVaal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jiij2/a_day_in_the_er/
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Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist...

While you guys were having your discussion about the glass of water, I drank it!
Sincerely,
The Opportunist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jigoo/dear_optimist_pessimist_and_realist/
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A blonde woman walks into a bank...

A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jiejn/a_blonde_woman_walks_into_a_bank/
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I don't trust stairs

They are always up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ji7tt/i_dont_trust_stairs/
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What's a glutton's favorite place to play tennis?

A food court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ji1q4/whats_a_gluttons_favorite_place_to_play_tennis/
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Taylor Swift's new song with Chris Brown is gonna be

A real hit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ji0gn/taylor_swifts_new_song_with_chris_brown_is_gonna/
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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So men can think about a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jhveb/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
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The President of Iran calls Trump & tells him "I had a dream last night...."

"New York was in ruins & aflame, with Iranian flags flying above."
Trump replies: "Funny, I had a dream last night too.  Teheran beautiful and prosperous, happy people celebrating in the streets, with big banners hanging everywhere."
"What did the banners say?", asked the Iranian President.
"I don't know," Trump answers, "I can't read Hebrew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jhuys/the_president_of_iran_calls_trump_tells_him_i_had/
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Cigarettes are like hamsters.

Perfectly harmless, until you put one in your mouth and light the butt on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jhs23/cigarettes_are_like_hamsters/
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What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jhrtj/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_who_wears_sandals/
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A drunk watched the same guy leave a bar every night with a different woman.

One night he asked the guy what his secret is.
The guy replies, " I have the best pick-up line. When I see a woman I desire, I walk up to her and say, 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' When she invariably says WHAT?, I say 'Particularly nasty weather'."
The drunk is impressed and decided to try it out. One night he's quite loaded, so when a nice looking woman walks out of the bar he goes into action.
He yells "HEY LADY!  SHOVE A FEATHER UP YOUR ASS?"
The woman turns to him and says " What the fuck did you just say?"
The drunk looks at her confidently and screams, "LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING CLOUDS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jhnpa/a_drunk_watched_the_same_guy_leave_a_bar_every/
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What’s a Jew’s Favorite Part of basketball?

Free throws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jhkhb/whats_a_jews_favorite_part_of_basketball/
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What's the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives. But, a frog croaks every night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jhiz5/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_frog/
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Different points of view

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees the train coming.
The train driver sees 3 assholes on the railroad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jhida/different_points_of_view/
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Two guys drinking at the bar....

John: "You know, I've never understood what dilemma is.."
Jack: "Let me give you an example. Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you.
To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."
John: "So where's the dilemma?"
Jack: "To whom do you turn your back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jhhkp/two_guys_drinking_at_the_bar/
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My grandfather said "if you drink Scotch every day for 100 years"

You'll live a long time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jhhd0/my_grandfather_said_if_you_drink_scotch_every_day/
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Newton's third law of motion

states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Therefore, if you are having sex with a woman without her consent, she is equally having sex with you without your consent, both cancelling eachother out and making rape legal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jhfm4/newtons_third_law_of_motion/
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I saw two men wearing the exact same outfit so I asked if they were gay.

They arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jh9w4/i_saw_two_men_wearing_the_exact_same_outfit_so_i/
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Why do the other numbers not hang out with 1, 4, 9, 16, and 25?

Because they're just a bunch of squares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jgxjq/why_do_the_other_numbers_not_hang_out_with_1_4_9/
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I'm an aerospace engineer.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard "it IS rocket science..." it still wouldn't be as much as my salary. Take that liberal arts majors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jgvyu/im_an_aerospace_engineer/
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TIL that a school of piranhas are able to strip all the flesh off of a child in under two minutes.

Sadly, I was also fired from the aquarium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jguob/til_that_a_school_of_piranhas_are_able_to_strip/
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A Short History of Medicine:

I have a headache.
2000 BCE: Here, eat this root.
1000 AD: That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD: That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD: That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD: That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2018 AD: That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jgu0c/a_short_history_of_medicine/
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Fastest thing in the universe

Two men are arguing over what is the fastest thing in the universe.
One man says, “Of course it has to be the speed of light!”
The other says, “Nonsense, it’s human thought!”
A third man interrupts, “You’re both wrong, its diarrhea.”
Visibly confused, the two men are quick to asking “Why??”
The third man easily explains, “Because you won’t be able to think about it or turn on the light when it hits you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jgtnl/fastest_thing_in_the_universe/
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Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.

His friend, desperate, calls 911.
"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"
"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and suck the poison out. Can you do that?"
"Gotcha."
The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"
"They said you'll die, dude."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jgso4/two_hunters_are_in_a_forest_when_all_of_sudden_a/
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President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht

The Pope
accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's
hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get
it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."
The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat,
picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless.
No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN reported:
"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jgsic/president_trump_invited_the_pope_for_lunch_on_his/
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Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.
"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge.
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jgrel/mickey_mouse_is_in_the_middle_of_a_nasty_divorce/
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What did the goat say to shepherd's wife?

Goats can't speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jgqgc/what_did_the_goat_say_to_shepherds_wife/
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How did Jesus pay for your sins?

Praypal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jgozx/how_did_jesus_pay_for_your_sins/
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This short dude asked why I don’t like him

I said because we don’t see eye to eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jgml0/this_short_dude_asked_why_i_dont_like_him/
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A man marries a women who is a very good cook..

Every time she makes something he says,
"This doesnt taste like how my mom used to make it."
Final after a year of this at every meal she angrily asks, " How did your moms taste??!!"
"Awful" He replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jgjqb/a_man_marries_a_women_who_is_a_very_good_cook/
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Why is marriage like a deck of cards?

Because in the beginning all you need are two Hearts and a Diamond, but after a few years all you want is a Club and a Spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jgi8p/why_is_marriage_like_a_deck_of_cards/
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What do you call it when you play Fortnite during the day-time?

A sad depraved existence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jgfs5/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_play_fortnite_during/
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What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jgbo2/whats_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
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What operating system is most popular in the Marvel universe?

ThanOS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jg8gq/what_operating_system_is_most_popular_in_the/
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Some black tarmac and red tarmac are having a pint in the pub...

Some black tarmac and red tarmac are having a pint in the pub
The black tarmac says: "Did you know I’m the hardest tarmac in Britain? I do major road surfaces, car parks, runways, you name it, I’m hard"
Suddenly the door opens and the green tarmac walks in.
The black tarmac breaks a sweat, freaks out and hides around the corner.
Later when the green tarmac has left he skulks back to his seat.
The red tarmac says: "What happened there? I thought you said you were hard"
And the black tarmac replies: "Yeah, I may be hard but he's a cycle path!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jg6xy/some_black_tarmac_and_red_tarmac_are_having_a/
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I'm so lazy.

I'm so lazy my mom gets onto me about sleeping all the time, she once asked me "Is sleeping all you're good at?"
I said "Yea, I could do it with my eyes closed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jg6uk/im_so_lazy/
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Did you know that gorillas prefer doggy style?

It makes my job as an ape sperm collector a real pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jg51f/did_you_know_that_gorillas_prefer_doggy_style/
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A son asked "Dad, how do you tell when someone is drunk? "

Dad: Well, you see those three cats over there? If I was drunk,I would see six.
Son: But Dad, there's only one and a half cats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jfu84/a_son_asked_dad_how_do_you_tell_when_someone_is/
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My wife says I've been spending so much time posting on r/jokes, that she's leaving me!

I pleaded with her... tried to reason with her. I even got down on my knees and begged her not to go! I mean, where will I get all my material from now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jfskg/my_wife_says_ive_been_spending_so_much_time/
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With great reflexes...

Comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jfrs1/with_great_reflexes/
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Kirk breaks his arm and goes to see Doctor McCoy.

McCoy starts to snigger and says, "Well James, you may not be laughing on the outside, but on the inside you're cracking up!"
"Funny, Bones", replies Kirk with a smirk.
"Actually James", says McCoy, checking Kirk's arm, "your humerus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jfjur/kirk_breaks_his_arm_and_goes_to_see_doctor_mccoy/
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Have you ever tried blind folded archery?

You don't know what you're missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jf5p0/have_you_ever_tried_blind_folded_archery/
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A young man was walking on a beach

He heard somebody crying and looked around to see a young woman with no arms or legs who was visibly upset.
Walking over to her he said, "Why are you crying it's such a beautiful day out?"
She replied "Well as you can see, I have no arms or legs and I've never been kissed."
So he bent down and gave her a kiss on her cheek. "Well, now you can say that you have." He smiled and walked away.
As he was walking away he heard her crying again and he turned around to walk back to her.
"Well now what's the problem?" He said, confused.
She looked up at him and said, "Well, I have been kissed now, but I've never been fucked."
He laughed and said, "Well why didn't you say that earlier."
The man picked her up and threw her into the ocean yelling, "Well now you're fucked!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jf4k1/a_young_man_was_walking_on_a_beach/
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I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor the other day.

She ended up being friendly. However, when appeared, at first I was afraid - I was petrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jf3vx/i_was_visited_by_the_ghost_of_gloria_gaynor_the/
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Little Johnny once went camping on a school trip

At night, he approached his teacher’s tent, and said, “Miss, I am scared. I can’t sleep alone. Can I sleep in your tent.”
The teacher thought for a second, and said “No”
Johnny: “But Mommy always lets me do so, when I am scared”
Teacher : “Okay, fine. But do not tell this to your friends”
They both go into the tent
After a while, Johnny wakes up his teacher
“Miss, I can’t sleep. Can I poke my finger in your belly button? Mommy lets me do so when I can’t sleep”
Teacher: “Okay, but do not mention it to anyone “
After a while
“Johnny, that is not my belly button “
Johnny: “Well, it isn’t my finger either”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jf2sz/little_johnny_once_went_camping_on_a_school_trip/
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I was walking through a supermarket when a tower of toilet paper fell on me

I'm worried I have soft tissue damage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jezn1/i_was_walking_through_a_supermarket_when_a_tower/
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I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself...

"i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jevwz/i_was_watching_an_old_man_feeding_birds_at_the/
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I’ve been a limousine driver for 25 years

All that time and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jevny/ive_been_a_limousine_driver_for_25_years/
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I am so ugly that..

I have been working as an altar boy for more than a year, and I am still a virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jeu87/i_am_so_ugly_that/
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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.
The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”
The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. “Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!”
The blonde mom rifles through her daughter’s purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit... Cindy has a dick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jesre/a_blonde_brunette_and_redhead_mom_go_to_a_cafe/
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What’s the definition of a will?

Come on, it’s a dead giveaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jes7x/whats_the_definition_of_a_will/
%
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jeput/my_grandpa_started_walking_five_miles_a_day_when/
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What do you call a Chinese dinosaur with a reading disability?

Dysrexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jen2z/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_dinosaur_with_a/
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jel0e/a_nice_calm_and_respectable_lady_went_into_the/
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One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.
When she really died the next day, the King wanted to get the astrologer killed as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.
The guards brought the astrologer to the court and the King asked him: "You seem to predict very well. Tell me, when are you going to die?"
The astrologer, with dead seriousness on his tone, said-"I shall die three days before you, Oh great king of kings!".
His life was spared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jekff/one_day_a_court_astrologer_predicted_that_the/
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A pig goes to the doctors with swine flu.

The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there he's instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, "what's this supposed to do, cure me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jek8o/a_pig_goes_to_the_doctors_with_swine_flu/
%
We must remember the past, or history will always repeat itself.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jej07/we_must_remember_the_past_or_history_will_always/
%
A lady is concerned her new puppy dog is deaf

The dog doesn’t seem to hear her trying to call it at all, so she decides to take the puppy to see the vet. The vet says “well sometimes these schnauzers grow to much hair in their ears and can’t hear very well”. The vet checks the puppy’s ears, and sure enough they are overgrown with hair. The vet decides to gives her a prescription for hair remover to correct the problem.
*She goes to the Drugs store to fill the prescription:*
**Pharmacist:** Hey this is dangerous stuff, you know how to use it?
**Lady:** No, I’ve never used it before.
**Pharmacist:** Okay so if you are going to use it on your legs, use ½ hair remover ½ water,
but if your going to use it for your underarms use ¼ hair remover ¾ water,
and for facial hair use 1/32 hair remover and 31/32 water.
**Lady:** thank you very much, but its for my schnauzer
**Pharmacist:** In that case, use 1/64 hair remover and 63 parts water, and for gods sake don’t ride your bike for a week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jei86/a_lady_is_concerned_her_new_puppy_dog_is_deaf/
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I was tickling my little sister's feet when mum wakes up and starts giving me a right earful.

Something about "Waiting until she's born".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jehgb/i_was_tickling_my_little_sisters_feet_when_mum/
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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up, sees the horse and says, "Hey!"
The horse replies, "Sure. That sounds good."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jefcg/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river

One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful naked woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
“What’s wrong?” Says one boy.
“My mom told me if I ever saw a naked woman I would turn to stone!” He says “And something’s already turning hard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jeepk/three_young_boys_are_exploring_the_woods_near_a/
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Why there is no musilms in Iceland ?

They all starved to death during Ramadan because the sun never sets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jeepb/why_there_is_no_musilms_in_iceland/
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Man: Hey Google,

tell my wife that I would not be able to make it to the dinner with her parents.
Google Assistant: Okay, will do.
After sometime...
Google Assistant: Next time, you talk to your wife yourself..!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jeefc/man_hey_google/
%
Nurse walks in to a patient's room

In a hospital room, a patient is lying in bed with an oxygen mask on.
A pretty, young nurse walks in and says, "I'm here to change your sheets!"
Patient says, "Please, nurse, are my testicles black?"
Nurse blushes and says, "I'm just here to change your sheets!"
Patient says, "Please, nurse, I'm begging -- are my testicles black?"
Nurse lifts up his sheet, pulls up his gown and thoroughly inspects his private parts.  "Sir, it all looks fine!"
Patient slowly removes oxygen mask and says, "That was very nice, but ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jea8z/nurse_walks_in_to_a_patients_room/
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How does Neutron travel to different countries?

Free of charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8je6h6/how_does_neutron_travel_to_different_countries/
%
Call Me Maybe.

Me: Alright, Maybe. But that's a strange name.
Maybe: Not really--  my parents chose it before I was born, when they were considering an abortion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8je24j/call_me_maybe/
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Whistles

I bought a wooden whistle...
But it wooden whistle
So I bought a steel whistle...
But it steel wooden whistle
Then I bought a lead whistle...
But it steel wooden lead me whistle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8je1bu/whistles/
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A Rabbi becomes the head of a synagogue in a new town.

One of the old men in town dies and it comes down to the new Rabbi to hold funeral services for the old man. He begins the service, but soon realizes he did not know the man at all so he has nothing to say. He says to the audience: "I am new to this town and I did not know this man's life, you here all knew him well, is there anyone among you who has a fond memory or something nice to say about him in his passing?" A minute of deafening silence passes as the audience says nothing, two minutes, three, and the Rabbi begins to get nervous. Finally, before he is forced to speak, from the back of the room a person shouts, "HIS BROTHER WAS WORSE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jdvnl/a_rabbi_becomes_the_head_of_a_synagogue_in_a_new/
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I saw a homeless man aggressively shaking a cup of coins at me this morning

I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jdusq/i_saw_a_homeless_man_aggressively_shaking_a_cup/
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8 year old boy came home excitedly, telling his dad that a school play is gonna be held next month

Dad: that's great! What role did you get?
Son: I'll be the husband!
Dad: (*sigh*) tell your teacher tomorrow to give you a different role with more lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jdc9p/8_year_old_boy_came_home_excitedly_telling_his/
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What's Gordon Ramsey's favourite film?

IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jda3e/whats_gordon_ramseys_favourite_film/
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what has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an organ if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both

pear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jd6s3/what_has_four_letters_is_a_vegetable_if_you_take/
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Kid: "Dad, will you take me to the circus?"

Dad: "No, son. If anyone wants to see you let them come to the house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jd5zr/kid_dad_will_you_take_me_to_the_circus/
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Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?

Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jcwnd/why_do_canadians_always_beat_germans_at_hockey/
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Classic Joke for your taste

The first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, but a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jcueh/classic_joke_for_your_taste/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job! Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jcuao/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jcqji/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
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How do you know God didn't program the human digestive tract in C#?

It ends with a whole colon instead of a semicolon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jcji2/how_do_you_know_god_didnt_program_the_human/
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What did the Terminator do after he lost his job?

He became an Exterminator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jciut/what_did_the_terminator_do_after_he_lost_his_job/
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Cop: where are you in the night of the murder?

Shakira: at my home.
Shakira's Hips: she's at the bar where the murder take place.
Shakira: son of a--

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jci1c/cop_where_are_you_in_the_night_of_the_murder/
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Too guys trying to escape a prison

Last fence they have to jump has bells on it. First guy jumps, touches the wires and the bells ring.
The guard says:- Who goes there?
The guy makes a noise:-Meow!
Guard says: -oh, its just a cat.
Second guy jumps, hits the wires, bells ring.
Guard says: -Who goes there?
Second guy:-Just another cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jcf43/too_guys_trying_to_escape_a_prison/
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What's the difference between a philosophy degree and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jceao/whats_the_difference_between_a_philosophy_degree/
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What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jccmp/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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Why was everyone crying after watching Infinity Wars?

Because sand got into their eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jcbqq/why_was_everyone_crying_after_watching_infinity/
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Daughter calls her Mom: My boyfriend has dandruff what can i do?

Mom: give him head & shoulders.
2 days later the daughter calls back.
Daughter: How do i give him shoulders?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jcbas/daughter_calls_her_mom_my_boyfriend_has_dandruff/
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Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice...

I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jcakz/been_in_jail_for_5_minutes_and_ive_already_been/
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How did the hipster decide to commit suicide?

He drowned in mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jca3i/how_did_the_hipster_decide_to_commit_suicide/
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A woman asked her husband whether she was pretty or ugly

Woman: Darling, am I pretty or ugly?
Husband: Both
Woman: What?? What do you mean both??
Husband: I meant, you're PRETTY UGLY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jca1c/a_woman_asked_her_husband_whether_she_was_pretty/
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Why your astronaut friend is so upset?

He just needed a little space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jc9pv/why_your_astronaut_friend_is_so_upset/
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A girl walks in on his parents doin’ it...

The parents freak out and try to cover themselves.
The girl asks,”Mommy, what are you guys doing?”
The mom says,”Your dad and I are making cakes.”
The girl shrugs and goes back to her room.
*a week later
The girl asks her mom, “Mommy, were you and daddy making cakes again in the living room?”
The mother replies “Yes we were.”
The girl says. “Oh cool because I just licked the frosting off the couch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jc1qx/a_girl_walks_in_on_his_parents_doin_it/
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If I had 50¢ for every math exam I failed

I’d have $6.30 now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jc167/if_i_had_50_for_every_math_exam_i_failed/
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What do you call a small loan of a million dollars?

Trump Change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jbzkf/what_do_you_call_a_small_loan_of_a_million_dollars/
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Why did the chicken kill herself?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jbzan/why_did_the_chicken_kill_herself/
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What's the difference in a peeping tom and a pickpocket?

One snatches watches....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jbyb9/whats_the_difference_in_a_peeping_tom_and_a/
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Got a hand job from a blind chick..

She said I had the biggest dick she had ever seen.
I said no you're just pulling my leg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jbw3t/got_a_hand_job_from_a_blind_chick/
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I'd tell a joke about eyes

But nobody likes vitreous humor.
It doesn't get much cornea than this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jbvgz/id_tell_a_joke_about_eyes/
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What does a cannibal call a gymnast?

A well balanced breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jbsno/what_does_a_cannibal_call_a_gymnast/
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Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...

The game would likely be cancelled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jbq68/did_you_know_that_if_all_the_capillaries_of_a/
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What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination ??

hand eeeeeeeyyyyyyyyeeeeeee-eee eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jbo7k/what_is_whitney_houstons_favorite_kind_of/
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My Dad actually said this is a Denver area Pizza Hut.

A group of maybe 6\-8 of us were finishing up our meal when a rather large woman \(our waitress\) came over and asked my dad if "we wanna box for our left over pizza?" Without skipping a beat, my dad looks her right in the eye and says "no, but I'll wrestle ya for it!". The look on her face was priceless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jbm1g/my_dad_actually_said_this_is_a_denver_area_pizza/
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An American spy goes to russia...

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...
George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.
The big day finally came, and he was parachuted to the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.
"Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?", he asked the conductor in authentic Russian.
"5 Rubles, Comrade American", came the reply.
Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-ass. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar.
"It's just around the block, Comrade American."
Keats' doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vodka.
"Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?", the bartender asked.
Keats threw a fit. "What's the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?"
"Well Comrade, it's because you're black."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jblhz/an_american_spy_goes_to_russia/
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If we are all GOD’S children

What is so special about Jesus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jbd86/if_we_are_all_gods_children/
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What do you call an Islamic pepper?

A halal-peño.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jbb1g/what_do_you_call_an_islamic_pepper/
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In Mother Russia...

They're are called wePhones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jba3k/in_mother_russia/
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My son catches a fish and eats it and he’s “amazing” and “a budding sportsman”.

I catch a fish and eat it and I’m “drunk” and “need to leave Petco”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jb75g/my_son_catches_a_fish_and_eats_it_and_hes_amazing/
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Hello and welcome to Contradictions Anonymous.

What's your name?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jb70i/hello_and_welcome_to_contradictions_anonymous/
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What did the lighter say to his wife when their kid burnt a house down?

"Hey, at least now we surely know that he's arson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jb6fk/what_did_the_lighter_say_to_his_wife_when_their/
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I don’t get all the fuss about Nintendo Labo.

Papa John’s has been selling cardboard for over 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jb6ar/i_dont_get_all_the_fuss_about_nintendo_labo/
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Little Johnny came home from school one day to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard.....

Rigor mortis had set in and the rooster was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his dad came home, little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, our rooster is dead, and his legs are sticking in the air--why in the heck are his legs in the air?"
Thinking quickly, his father stated, "My son, that is so that God can reach right down from up in the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee, dad, that's great" said little Johnny whimsically.
A few days later when Johnny's father came home from work, little Johnny rushed out to the driveway to meet him, excitedly exclaiming, "Dad! Dad! We almost lost mom today!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, dad," said little Johnny, "I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom, and there was mom flat on her back screaming 'Jesus, I'm coming, I'm coming!'--and if it hadn't been for Uncle George holding her down, we would have lost her for sure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jb5x6/little_johnny_came_home_from_school_one_day_to/
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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."
The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jb492/a_waitress_walks_up_to_one_of_her_tables_in_a_new/
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A man goes to a funeral ...

After the regular round of eulogies and speeches and well wishers, he leans over the pew and asks the widow:
"Mind if I say a word?"
“No, of course not”, she says. "Please do."
The man stands up, clears his throat and says:
"Abacus"
Then promptly sits down.
The widow leans back and says: "Thanks, it’s the little things that count”.
*Gracious thanks to /u/madazzahatter for the inspiration.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jb3nl/a_man_goes_to_a_funeral/
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I am selling Paul Walker's keyboard on ebay, anyone interested ?

I am willing to do a special price, because he lost CONTROL.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jb3ba/i_am_selling_paul_walkers_keyboard_on_ebay_anyone/
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To determine once and for all whose superior, God sets Satan and Jesus up with a little contest.

“You will have 12 hours to do the most mundane human task ever,” God starts, “work on a computer! You will create spreadsheets and documents and the like. I will crown the winner!”
With that, Jesus and Satan furiously begin typing away. God keeps their coffee full and rubs their shoulders to keep them concentrated. The hours fly by.
With five minutes to go, the power suddenly goes out. When it come back on, Satan begins to panic-rage. “What!” He screams, ferociously clicking away. “It’s gone! It’s all gone! All my work has disappeared!” As he looks over, Jesus, who has already restarted his computer, is calmly printing his work and sending his final emails. The buzzer goes off and they stand before God.
“Well,” God begins, “this seems like an easy decision. Seeing as how Jesus has turned in a great body of work and Satan has turned in nothing, the winner is obviously Jesus!” He places a crown on his head. “That’s not fair!” pouts Satan, “He must have cheated!”
God shrugs. “Jesus saves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jb1ul/to_determine_once_and_for_all_whose_superior_god/
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What type of tea is hardest to swallow?

Reality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jarob/what_type_of_tea_is_hardest_to_swallow/
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Two guys are walking down the street..

...and they see a dog licking his balls. One guy turns to his friend and says, "Man, I wish I could do that." His friend replies, "He would bite you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jaoul/two_guys_are_walking_down_the_street/
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My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats.

I guess I should really get off Tumblr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jaops/my_doctor_advised_me_to_stay_away_from_trans_fats/
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A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home,...

..."Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!" Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jamvj/a_senior_citizen_called_her_husband_during_his/
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Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jakka/why_did_the_girl_fall_off_the_swing/
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I have bought myself a very realistic inflatable doll...

...she was so realistic, that she told me we will be just friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jajy6/i_have_bought_myself_a_very_realistic_inflatable/
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What do I say when I see a copied post

I Reddit before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jaj8r/what_do_i_say_when_i_see_a_copied_post/
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What do you call a lumberjack without any legs?

Stumped!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jahj7/what_do_you_call_a_lumberjack_without_any_legs/
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Was late to a cannibal's dinner party.

so they gave me the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jagzw/was_late_to_a_cannibals_dinner_party/
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"I'll call you later."

"Don't call me later, call me Dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jafhn/ill_call_you_later/
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-Do you think glass coffins will be a success?

-Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jae4n/do_you_think_glass_coffins_will_be_a_success/
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A bacteria mom, once, took her infected son to the doctor.

The doctor said, "He's going through a phage..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8jabq4/a_bacteria_mom_once_took_her_infected_son_to_the/
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I used to time travel a lot...

But thats all in the past now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ja9lc/i_used_to_time_travel_a_lot/
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Two nuns walking through the park were confronted by a flasher.

The 85-year-old nun immediately had a stroke. The younger one didn't touch it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ja9bb/two_nuns_walking_through_the_park_were_confronted/
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Why was the un-vaccinated 3 year old crying?

He was having a midlife crisis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ja8nl/why_was_the_unvaccinated_3_year_old_crying/
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The Pope & The Crossword puzzle

A man is preparing to board a train when he hears that the Pope is also going to be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wanted to try something different.
"This is exciting," the man thinks. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
(*Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. But the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope.*)
Shortly after taking his seat, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
"This is fantastic," the man thinks. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"
Only one word leaps to mind. The man feels uncomfortable. "My goodness," he thinks, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." He thinks for a while, then it hits him and he says, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," replies the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ja8k6/the_pope_the_crossword_puzzle/
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What did the Nazi boot say to the other Nazi boot?

“We must kill all the shoes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ja5rr/what_did_the_nazi_boot_say_to_the_other_nazi_boot/
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Two kids are headed down to the breakfast table...

...when one says to the other:
"Let's pretend we're adults and swear like grown-ups."
They hurry down to the breakfast table where they're greeted by their mother.
"Do you want some Cheerios for breakfast?" she asks one of the boys.
"No I don't want any damn Cheerios!" Appalled by his foul language she slaps him. She turns to the other child and asks him what he wants for breakfast.
"Well I sure as hell don't want any damn Cheerios."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ja5m1/two_kids_are_headed_down_to_the_breakfast_table/
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Did you know that the octopus is the only sea creature with tentacles?

Just squidding!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ja0y8/did_you_know_that_the_octopus_is_the_only_sea/
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The Flash is walking along down the beach...

Flash stops in his tracks when ahead of him he sees Wonder Woman laying on her back with her legs spread wide open, naked in all her glory.
Flash takes a moment to think to himself, "I could probably fly in there, do the nasty and get out before she notices!"
After contemplating it for a little longer he decides to go for it, he unzips his pants and flies in\-
*POW! POW! POW! POW!* then *WOOSH!*  He's gone as fast as he came!
A sudden gust of wind whips Wonder Woman's hair around into her face,
Startled she gasps, "What on *earth* was ***THAT***?!"
"I don't know," says the Invisible Man, "but my butt is *KILLING* me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j9yjn/the_flash_is_walking_along_down_the_beach/
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TIL Diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in the jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j9x80/til_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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I've started using Viagra to treat my sunburn.

It doesn't do anything for the burns, but it does a good job of keeping the sheets off my legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j9r8v/ive_started_using_viagra_to_treat_my_sunburn/
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank coffee before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j9p6x/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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Two men are on opposite sides of a river.

The first one shouts, 'How do I get to the other side?'
The second one replies 'You are already on the other side!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j9o3g/two_men_are_on_opposite_sides_of_a_river/
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My daughter was playing in the garden when all of a sudden I saw her kill a butterfly. I said "just for that, you don't get any butter for a month!"

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said "nice try."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j9h7j/my_daughter_was_playing_in_the_garden_when_all_of/
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You know what's unique about a lesbian waitress?

Its the only time in her life she'll have to work the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j9eai/you_know_whats_unique_about_a_lesbian_waitress/
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A guy walks in to the dentist's office

Dentist asks "what are you doing here?"
The guy goes "I think i'm a moth"
The dentist asks "what?"
And the guy repeats "i think i'm a moth"
The dentist, upset, says "well then, you have mental problems. you need to see a psychiatrist."
The guys says "i know"
Dentist tells him "you're in a dentist's office."
And the guy, again, says "i know"
And the dentist asks "well then, what are you doing here? why did you come here?"
And the guy says to the dentist: "the light was on"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j95pe/a_guy_walks_in_to_the_dentists_office/
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What would Princess Diana be doing if she was alive today?

Shouting "Get me out of this coffin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j94my/what_would_princess_diana_be_doing_if_she_was/
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[NSFW] [Long] Parking garage.

One night, young Billy woke up to go to the bathroom. He hears noises coming from his parents' bedroom so he goes to check it out. He catches his parents in the middle of having sex.
Billy asks his dad, "Dad, what are you doing to Mom?".
His dad replies, "Can't you see? I'm parking my car in your mom's garage."
Billy looks confused, so his dad says "Billy, if you can park your car in a girl's garage, it means she likes you." Billy nods and goes back to sleep.
The same night, at a different house, young Sally catches her parents in the same act, asks the same question, but this time, her dad responds, "Sally, don't ever let a boy park his car in your garage." Sally nods and goes back to sleep.
Billy and Sally head to school the next day. At school, Sally asks the teacher to go to the bathroom. Noticing this, Billy also goes to the bathroom.
At the end of the school day, only young Sally comes home. But her hands are covered in blood. When her parents see her, they cry out, "What happened Sally?? Are you alright?!?!"
Sally looks at her dad and says, "A boy tried to park his car in my garage today, so I pulled off his two front tires."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j93ra/nsfw_long_parking_garage/
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You'd think Henry Ford was African

The way he Madagascar
^^^^I'll ^^^^^let ^^^^^^myself ^^^^^^^out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j92f3/youd_think_henry_ford_was_african/
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What is brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j92bm/what_is_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
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What's E.T. short for?

It's because he has those tiny little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j91e7/whats_et_short_for/
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When England settled her colonies how come America got Christian zealots and Australia got convicts?

Australia got first pick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j90dd/when_england_settled_her_colonies_how_come/
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What's the difference between a joint and today's rappers?

A joint gets more than one hit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j8w2b/whats_the_difference_between_a_joint_and_todays/
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A man was walking down the street around 3am, obviously drunk, missing a shoe and weaving to and fro, when a policeman spotted him and stopped his car along the curb nearby.

"Good evening sir, would you mind stepping over here for a moment, please?" the policeman asked.
Haltingly, the man came over to the police car.  "Gooodsh evening occifer, whass the trouble?"
"Well," the officer began, "it seems you're not quite in any condition to be walking along in this area this late at night.  Are you heading anywhere in particular?"
"Why yesshh," the man replied, "I'm on my way to attend a lecshture in a few minutes about the evilsh of drinking, gambling, drinking and gambling, and staying up all hoursh of the night."
Intrigued, the police officer asked, "You mean you're heading to attend that lecture right now?"
The man nodded.
"And it's being given at this late hour, and you're going in that condition?"
The man nodded again.
Disbelieving now, the policeman asked "Who is going to be awake at this late hour and willing to give you such a lecture after seeing you in that condition?"
"My wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j8s4k/a_man_was_walking_down_the_street_around_3am/
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A skeleton walks into a bar.

Says, "I'd like a beer please.  And a mop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j8qhl/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
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English can be a weird language...

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j8niw/english_can_be_a_weird_language/
%
I bought some shoes frome a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j8kzg/i_bought_some_shoes_frome_a_drug_dealer/
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Dad joke: what would happen if everyone in a country drove a pink automobile?

We would have a pink car nation.
(Like the flower..... ok I’ll see myself out...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j8hfq/dad_joke_what_would_happen_if_everyone_in_a/
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Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.

Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."
The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j8grp/two_nuns_are_walking_down_a_dark_alley_one_night/
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A hillbilly couple get married...

and spend the honeymoon night at her folks' cabin. The next morning, the boys' father walks outside and the boy is back home sitting on his folks' porch. The father asks, "Where's your bride, boy?" The kid says, "Ah done left her, Pa." The old man says, "Now why did you go and do that for?" The kid replies, "Ah found out she's a virgin." The pa thinks a minute and says, "Well, you done right, son. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for arn' neither."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j8fzg/a_hillbilly_couple_get_married/
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What did the old man say when the post woman knocked at the door.

Huh... I was expecting male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j8bs3/what_did_the_old_man_say_when_the_post_woman/
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If I had a dollar for every time my wife said she was going on a diet

I’d be able to buy her a treadmill she’d never use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j8ake/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_my_wife_said_she/
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What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

one’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j8air/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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While waiting in line at an ice cream shop an elderly woman orders a plain chocolate cone.

The man behind the counter said “we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what would you like?”
She again attempts to order plain chocolate. The man repeats “Ma’am we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what would you like?”
She again asks for plain chocolate. Knowing he isn’t getting anywhere he asks her “Ma’am can you spell the “van” in vanilla?” She replies “of course, van.”
“Good!” He exclaimed! Then says to her “ma’am can you spell the “straw” in strawberry?” She replies “of course, straw.”
He finishes his point by saying “Ma’am can you spell the “FUCK” in chocolate?!”
Looking dumbfounded she says “well there is no “FUCK” in chocolate.”
He yells “THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING! THERE’S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j8aih/while_waiting_in_line_at_an_ice_cream_shop_an/
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I only date people who love horses

They tend to be a more stable relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j83x9/i_only_date_people_who_love_horses/
%
What's got 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j81yp/whats_got_9_arms_and_sucks/
%
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Get in the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j81rs/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_they_got_in/
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What does a sign on an out of business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j81nj/what_does_a_sign_on_an_out_of_business_brothel_say/
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Dear Tech Support

, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, Troubled User
Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system! Best of luck, Tech Support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j80xt/dear_tech_support/
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How do skeletons get high?

Marrowana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j80ms/how_do_skeletons_get_high/
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Three men die and are waiting to enter heaven

St. Peter approaches the group and says, "Well, Heaven is a little backed up right now, and only one of you can get in at the moment. I don't have my sheet with me, so you'll have to tell me how you died. Whichever one of you died the most painful death can get in first." St. Peter approaches the first guy and listens to his story.
"I got home early and wanted to surprise my wife. I head up to my apartment on the 14th story of this complex, and there I find my wife laying naked on the bed. I was furious! So I looked around for the guy fucking my wife. I searched under the bed, behind the curtains, behind the couch, in the bathroom, in the closet, but I found no one. Then I see this guy hanging on my balcony for dear life. I go over to him and start slamming his fingers with my fists. He doesn't even budge; so I start stomping on his fingers. Nothing! Eventually I grab a hammer from my tool bag and start breaking every finger until he falls. The fucker landed in some bushes and lived! I was so absolutely livid that I dragged my refrigerator to the balcony and pushed it over, squashing that bastard. But after realizing what I had done, and that my marriage was over, I went for my gun in the dresser and shot myself."
St. Peter takes note of the hole in his head, and goes to the next guy. "Wow, what happened to you?" he asked.
"Well, I live on the 15th story of an apartment complex. I had just gotten done with my late-morning jog and went on my balcony to stretch. Somehow I lost my footing and toppled over my balcony, but caught on to the balcony below mine. I was just thinking how lucky I was when this... madman runs over and starts pounding on my fingers! I was barely able to hold on, then he stopped. As I started climbing again he began to stomp on my fingers. I was mere moments from dropping, and he stopped again. I tried to climb yet again, only to have my fingers broken with a hammer! I had to let go, and fell for what seemed forever. I landed on some bushes, I think, and realized that I was more-or-less okay! I looked at my legs to check if they were broken, then looked back up at the balcony only to see a fridge hurtling towards me... And that's the last thing I remember."
St. Peter sees the mangled body this guy is sporting, and moves to the last guy.
"And what's your story?"
"Alright, imagine this: You are hiding ass-naked in a refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j7zj2/three_men_die_and_are_waiting_to_enter_heaven/
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Kindness of a disrespectful pig

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset
"you are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.
How dare you do this to me -a faithful wife, mother of your children!
I am leaving you.
I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on  just a minute Love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!
And the  husband began -" Well I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and so defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was thin, poorly dressed and dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for  three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the chicken I made for you last night, which you wouldn't eat because you turned vegan yesterday.
The poor girl devoured them in seconds.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed that her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, which you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated the boots you bought at that expensive boutique  and don't use because someone in your office has the same pair"
The husband took a deep breath and continued- "she was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
"Please, do you have anything else that your wife  doesn’t use?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j7tfg/kindness_of_a_disrespectful_pig/
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How many Mexicans do you need to change a lightbulb?

Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j7rdl/how_many_mexicans_do_you_need_to_change_a/
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What do you grt when you mix a fireball and an irish carbomb?

A paul walker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j7pp1/what_do_you_grt_when_you_mix_a_fireball_and_an/
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A man was teaching his son about about the dangers of drinking at the traffic lights.

The man said, “See those two cars over there, son? A drunk man would see four.”
The son replied, “But Dad, there is only one car.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j7pcd/a_man_was_teaching_his_son_about_about_the/
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A father is lying on his death bed...

A father is lying on his death bed with his three sons and wife surrounding him. He says to the first son, “Now that I’m passing I want you to take all the houses I have on the east side of Main Street.”
He points to the second son and says, “And you will have all the houses on the west side of Main Street.”
Lastly he points to the third son and says, “You will have the entire apartment complex at the end of the Main Street.”
The nurse, having overheard the conversation, leans into the wife and says, “Wow, your husband must have been a hugely successful person.”
The wife responds, “oh yeah, a *real* success. The jackass is talking about his paper route.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j7lwz/a_father_is_lying_on_his_death_bed/
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For Mother's Day, I bought my mom new beads for her abacus...

It’s the little things that count...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j7lnb/for_mothers_day_i_bought_my_mom_new_beads_for_her/
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Do you know why the chicken crossed the road?

I thought not. It's not a story the Cities would tell you. It's a Farmers legend. The Chicken was a Dark Lord of the Farm land, so powerful and so wise he could use the cluck to influence the midifarmians to create eggs... The Chicken had such a knowledge of the cluck that he could even keep the ones he cared about from The Road. The Farm Land is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful... the only thing he was afraid of was losing his eggs, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his Chicks everything he knew, then his Chicks killed him by using the cluck to force him to walk onto the road whilst he was asleep. It's ironic he could save others from The Road, but not himself. And that is why The Chicken crossed The Road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j7j15/do_you_know_why_the_chicken_crossed_the_road/
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Two whales are swimming in the ocean.

The first whale goes
AAAAAAAOOOOORRRRRRUUUAAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUAAAAHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNGHHH
The second whale says
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FRANK SHUT THE FUCK UP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j7iyh/two_whales_are_swimming_in_the_ocean/
%
So doctor, do I have rabies?

Doc: Short answear, yes
Patient: Whats the long answear?
Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j7g72/so_doctor_do_i_have_rabies/
%
What do men enjoy most about a blowjob?

The peace and the quiet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j7fml/what_do_men_enjoy_most_about_a_blowjob/
%
What's the difference between a demoralizing loss, and someone with a foot fetish?

One is a crushing defeat, the other has a crush ON the feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j7f11/whats_the_difference_between_a_demoralizing_loss/
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Waitress walks over to the table

Waitress - “You guys all finished?”
Me - Yes
Waitress - You wanna box for your leftovers?
Me - No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j7coi/waitress_walks_over_to_the_table/
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How many blondes jokes are there?

There are only 3 jokes about blondes. The rest are true stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j7cb3/how_many_blondes_jokes_are_there/
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What’s the difference between and drunk driver and a stone driver?

A drunk driver will drive past a stop sign. A stoned driver will wait for it to turn green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j73gs/whats_the_difference_between_and_drunk_driver_and/
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Took my wife to therapy to fix her Tourette’s syndrome

Waste of money that was. Turns out I **am** a cunt and she **does** want me to fuck off..!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j6y5n/took_my_wife_to_therapy_to_fix_her_tourettes/
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TIL where the word 'politics' comes from

'Poly' is from the Greek meaning *many*, and 'tick' is from *a bunch of blood sucking parasites*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j6wl8/til_where_the_word_politics_comes_from/
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Mom#1- That’s it. I’m done. I’m selling the kid on eBay

Mom#2- Don’t be crazy. You made him. That goes on Etsy
Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j6w4o/mom1_thats_it_im_done_im_selling_the_kid_on_ebay/
%
I'll never forget the last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket.

"Hey, Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j6rf6/ill_never_forget_the_last_thing_my_father_said_to/
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A little black kid is baking with his grandmother.

He throws some flour on his face playfully and says "Look, Granny, I'm a little white boy!"
Granny sends him into the other room to tell his father what he said. He walks up to his father and says "Look, Daddy, I'm a little white boy." His father backhands and him and sends him to tell his mother.
Nervously, the kid walks up to his mother and says "Look, Mommy, I'm a little white boy." Mom slaps him and sends him back into the kitchen.
"Have you learned anything?", asks Granny.
"Yes," replies the boy, "I've been white for five minutes and I hate n*****s already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j6nei/a_little_black_kid_is_baking_with_his_grandmother/
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Mothers are Selfish

I told my mom Happy Mother's Day, but she never responded with Happy Sunday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j6lwt/mothers_are_selfish/
%
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

Addictionary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j6ao6/what_do_you_call_a_dictionary_on_drugs/
%
What's the hardest cup of tea to swallow?

Reality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j63sx/whats_the_hardest_cup_of_tea_to_swallow/
%
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

I lost my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j5vfd/i_tried_to_sue_the_airport_for_misplacing_my/
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My girlfriend told me she was pregnant

I said "Hi pregnant, I'm Dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j5p5f/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_was_pregnant/
%
What did one ocean say to the other

Nothing they just waved.
Did you sea what I did there?
Are you shore that you get it?
Maybe I didn't shell you the joke.
I think you need to clam down.
Woah, stop being such a beach.
Whale then, that's all the puns I have today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j5obd/what_did_one_ocean_say_to_the_other/
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What Do You Say When You Comfort A Grammar Nazi?

There, Their, They're.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j5i4n/what_do_you_say_when_you_comfort_a_grammar_nazi/
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I've come back like we agreed

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.  Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.
“Rita! Rita!?”
"Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
“That's wonderful!  What's it like?”
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.  I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.  Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens).  Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.  After supper, it's back to the golf course.  Then it's more sex until late at night.  I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”
"Oh, Bob!  Are you in Heaven?"
“No… I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j5fir/ive_come_back_like_we_agreed/
%
I drank a bunch of Angry Orchard and called my broker

I guess you can say I did some in-cider trading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j5e75/i_drank_a_bunch_of_angry_orchard_and_called_my/
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If dancers have two eyes then what do ballerinas have?

Two too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j565h/if_dancers_have_two_eyes_then_what_do_ballerinas/
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Trying out new Arm-the-Teachers laws, a Texas teacher recently shot a student in the eye.

In the teacher's defense, it was a bad pupil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j561d/trying_out_new_armtheteachers_laws_a_texas/
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My wife told me she was tired of me always talking about StarWars and nothing else

I told her only a Sith deals in absolutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j55mw/my_wife_told_me_she_was_tired_of_me_always/
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The John

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j51ik/the_john/
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There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4xd7/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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What do you call 32 West Virginia women in a room?

A full set of teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4vwm/what_do_you_call_32_west_virginia_women_in_a_room/
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THE LORD TRIED!

A church was flooded out and as the preacher stood on the pews, parishioners came by in a boat. "No thanks" the preacher said, "I'll put my faith in the Lord."
As waters rose, the preacher climbed on the roof of the church. When the boat passed by again the preacher said "No thanks, I'll put my faith in the Lord."
The waters rose and as the preacher clung to the steeple he refused a helicopter stating, "No thanks, I'll put my faith in the Lord."
The preacher drowned and when he met the Lord he said, "Lord why did you forsake me?" The Lord said, "What are you talking about? I sent you two boats and a helicopter"!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4uxq/the_lord_tried/
%
There would be less pollution in the world if everyone joined reddit.

We've been teaching people how to recycle the same material for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4u1v/there_would_be_less_pollution_in_the_world_if/
%
I hate it when my wife wants to talk during sex...

Last night she called me from Philadelphia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4t6q/i_hate_it_when_my_wife_wants_to_talk_during_sex/
%
My friends asked me why I haven’t tried to get in bed with my Christian girlfriend yet...

I told them “ If I nailed her, Jesus would be crossed”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4t2p/my_friends_asked_me_why_i_havent_tried_to_get_in/
%
Why did the cows keep returning to the marijuana field?

Was the pot calling the cattle back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4qfh/why_did_the_cows_keep_returning_to_the_marijuana/
%
Person goes to the university ...

says "I want to sign up for all your foreign language classes."
They say "We teach dozens of different language's - you want to learn all of them? why?" They reply "I'm a Vegan and I want to be sure I'll be able to tell every single person I meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4p18/person_goes_to_the_university/
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Have you all heard the one about absolute zero?

It's 0k.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4o4l/have_you_all_heard_the_one_about_absolute_zero/
%
I started a part-time job at the bakery

Just to make a little extra dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4njm/i_started_a_parttime_job_at_the_bakery/
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This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4m4n/this_is_probably_the_best_joke_that_i_a_dad_have/
%
Why should you never scare a magician?

They might shit your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4kkz/why_should_you_never_scare_a_magician/
%
What do you call 64 white people in a room?

One full blooded Cherokee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4j81/what_do_you_call_64_white_people_in_a_room/
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In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4gzu/in_honor_of_his_passing_my_dads_favorite_joke_to/
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A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

Now that's a lot of information to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j4e5s/a_single_sperm_has_375_mb_of_dna_information_in/
%
A boy was asking out a girl when she replied to his affection with the line "I love you too, but like a brother!"

Saddened by her apparent refusal, he started walking away, until the girl said, "Wait. from where I'm from, that's good."
Confused, the boy asked, "Well, where is that?"
"Alabama."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j483m/a_boy_was_asking_out_a_girl_when_she_replied_to/
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A priest was giving a sermon about temperance.

With great enthusiasm, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river!"
The congregation nodded their approval and said, "Amen!"
He continued, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
"Amen!" the congregation replied again.
The priest sat down and the music minister announced, "For our closing song, let's sing Hymn 362, 'We Shall Gather at the River'."
"AMEN!" The congregation shouted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j47r8/a_priest_was_giving_a_sermon_about_temperance/
%
Next time i have a lucid dream, i plan on looking down at myself unconscious

I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j45ri/next_time_i_have_a_lucid_dream_i_plan_on_looking/
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For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend

Happy Mother's Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j45e5/for_all_you_ladies_who_didnt_use_protection_this/
%
Just pooped my pants.

Which is weird, because I don't even remember eating them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j45a8/just_pooped_my_pants/
%
Stalin wakes up one morning and steps onto his balcony.

He sees the sunrise.
"Good morning, Comrade Sun" says Stalin.
"Good morning, Comrade Stalin," replies the sun.
Later in the afternoon, as Stalin steps outside, he says,
"Good afternoon, Comrade Sun."
"Good afternoon, Comrade Stalin," the sun replies.
At sunset, Stalin steps out onto his balcony for a smoke,
"Good night, Comrade Sun," says Stalin. No response. "I said good night, Comrade Sun." Again, no response.
"Good night, Comrade Sun" repeats Stalin.
"Fuck you, I'm in the West now" says the sun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j41xj/stalin_wakes_up_one_morning_and_steps_onto_his/
%
RIP Boiled Water

You will be mist ;-;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j401j/rip_boiled_water/
%
I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta when I went to class the other day...

I came back to a Ford Focus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j3xma/i_left_my_adderall_in_my_ford_fiesta_when_i_went/
%
I heard that some colorblind people see red as yellow..

God only knows why all of these people bought BMWs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j3wy0/i_heard_that_some_colorblind_people_see_red_as/
%
Yo mamma is so fat

When she’s sunbathing Green Peace comes and try to push her back into the ocean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j3vxj/yo_mamma_is_so_fat/
%
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant..

and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "$1".
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender
"Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j3rq6/a_guy_walks_into_the_bar_of_a_restaurant/
%
What do you call a stupid fish?

A dumb bass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j3na5/what_do_you_call_a_stupid_fish/
%
My wife asked what I was up to in the kitchen with the fly swatter.,

I said, “killing flies”
she replies, “killed any?”
“Yes”, I said, “3 males & 2 females”
Intrigued she asks, “how do you know the sex?”
“Well, easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j3ip4/my_wife_asked_what_i_was_up_to_in_the_kitchen/
%
Problem with Gas.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"
The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j3gm7/problem_with_gas/
%
Corporate Story

At a meeting, the Boss told a joke.
Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.
The Boss asked him, 'Didn’t you understand my joke?'
The guy replied, 'Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j3fuv/corporate_story/
%
Little Timmy came to school dressed as a pirate...

Little Timmy came to school dressed as a pirate, when the teacher noticed this she asked him, “Timmy, you’re a pirate? Where do you keep your buccaneers?” Timmy promptly replied, “I keep them in my buccan-hat!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j3dwt/little_timmy_came_to_school_dressed_as_a_pirate/
%
Age is not an excuse. I just caught an 80-year-old man doing exercise down a hill.

He was very acrobatic too, doing flips in his wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j3d88/age_is_not_an_excuse_i_just_caught_an_80yearold/
%
My mate and I went to Stonehenge.

"Of all the places we've been, this is my favourite to date," he said.
I said, "But there isn't a woman in sight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j3al1/my_mate_and_i_went_to_stonehenge/
%
What do dwarfs and midgets have in common?

Very little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j38cd/what_do_dwarfs_and_midgets_have_in_common/
%
Dad, I’m getting married!

Dad: Say sorry.
Son: Why?
Dad: Just say sorry.
Son: I haven’t done anything wrong!
Dad: Say sorry.
Son: Okay, okay! I’m sorry!
Dad: You’re ready.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j3898/dad_im_getting_married/
%
I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j36lu/i_have_an_eastern_european_friend_who_fixes_my/
%
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

Because he was out-standing in his field!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j35zz/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
I was disappointed that my friend chose to bring hot dogs to my fancy pot-luck dinner party.

But, I suppose he could have bratwurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j359j/i_was_disappointed_that_my_friend_chose_to_bring/
%
What is it called when a chameleon can't change colours?

Reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j34zq/what_is_it_called_when_a_chameleon_cant_change/
%
Did you here about the man who lost his entire left side?

Remarkably, he’s alright
(This is surely a repost because I’ve known it for years, but I can’t remember seeing it on here)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j3494/did_you_here_about_the_man_who_lost_his_entire/
%
Not all math jokes are bad

Just sum are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j31wb/not_all_math_jokes_are_bad/
%
My friend died because we couldn’t remember his blood type.

As he was dying, he kept saying “be positive” but it’s so hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j2zo5/my_friend_died_because_we_couldnt_remember_his/
%
Some girls play hard to get

Well, not me,
I play hard to want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j2wpc/some_girls_play_hard_to_get/
%
My Wife Is An Internet Porn Sensation!

..she’s gonna go fucking apeshit when she finds out..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j2wgc/my_wife_is_an_internet_porn_sensation/
%
You know Apple is run by men...

When they call it an iPhone 6+ and its only 5.5 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j2vcm/you_know_apple_is_run_by_men/
%
A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting!"

I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j2psl/a_vegan_said_to_me_people_who_sell_meat_are/
%
Windmills love metal music

They're huge metal fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j2ol3/windmills_love_metal_music/
%
My friend and I were having a heated argument about the angle of a triangle

Things got messy and we went off tangent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j2njs/my_friend_and_i_were_having_a_heated_argument/
%
A vampire hunter's favorite thing?

Having a stake out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j2lld/a_vampire_hunters_favorite_thing/
%
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j2lew/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_a_transvestite/
%
Why did the crippled kid get bullied at school?

Because he can't stand up for himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j2jwi/why_did_the_crippled_kid_get_bullied_at_school/
%
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j2iqm/the_best_years_of_my_life_were_spent_in_the_arms/
%
A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....

He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The police cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j2hho/a_man_purchased_a_new_mercedes_to_celebrate_his/
%
I just realized that shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

*Ba-dum-tss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j2e9t/i_just_realized_that_shovel_was_a_groundbreaking/
%
Mountains are not funny

Thy are hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j2a5v/mountains_are_not_funny/
%
I've always been terrified of elevators.

I think it's time I took steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j282v/ive_always_been_terrified_of_elevators/
%
What do gun owners and vegans have in common?

They're both in your face about how they're not murderers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j229h/what_do_gun_owners_and_vegans_have_in_common/
%
A Heavenly Wedding.

Betty and Tim die in a car accident the night before their wedding. In heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. “Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.”
Six months pass and St. Peter returns. “Yes, we can do this for you.”
The couple says, “Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know—if things don’t work out, is there a possibility that we can get divorced?”
St. Peter answers, “It took me six months to find a priest up here—how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1zyv/a_heavenly_wedding/
%
Quick dating joke

-I only date black girls.
-Why?
-Because I hate meeting fathers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1zt4/quick_dating_joke/
%
Two Star Wars super-fanboys who hated The Last Jedi die and are at the gates of heaven

St Peter is there and tells them that before entering the afterlife, they may ask God himself one single question that He will answer truthfully for them.
"All the secrets of the Universe, past present and future are all available to you. Ask, and He will answer."
They whisper with each other and decide on a question to ask.
The first guy steps forward and says
"Did Mark Hamill actually like The Last Jedi or did Disney force him to say nice things about the movie despite him knowing it's the worst movie ever and ruined Luke?"
God replies
"Mark Hamill originally had some conflicting thoughts when he first read The Last Jedi script, but by the time he had finished the movie came around and realized that Rian Johnson's vision for Luke's character was much better than any idea he himself had and he is now very pleased with how the character developed. Disney never forced him to say anything. He was never even pressured or talked to. Mark's biggest disappointment was that fans took his words out of context to push a narrative of hate for a movie he worked hard to make and is very proud of."
The two guys look at each other in shock. The second guy whispers to the first guy.
"You know what this means?"
"Yup..."
"Disney's influence goes even higher than we ever thought!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1zfj/two_star_wars_superfanboys_who_hated_the_last/
%
Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole.

Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "Gee Susie, what's going on?" Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious." Mr. Johnson asks, "why are you digging a hole?" Susie replies, "I'm burying my goldfish." Mr Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?" Susie replies "Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1ynu/little_8_year_old_susie_is_in_her_back_yard/
%
A jealous boyfriend.

A jealous boyfriend catches his girlfriend whispering quietly into her cell phone very late one night. “Are you cheating?” her angry boyfriend asks. “Is there somebody else?” The girlfriend laughs and replies, “Do you really think I’d still be dating you if there were someone else?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1xsk/a_jealous_boyfriend/
%
I dig

You dig
He digs
She digs
They dig
We dig
Now, I know it’s not a very beautiful poem, but it is quite deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1vj8/i_dig/
%
A Russian, an American and A Ugandan man walk into a bar...

The Russian boasts, “My country has invented a submarine that can go to the deepest parts of the ocean.”
The Ugandan and American say, “The deepest parts?! It would be crushed!”
To which the Russian replies “Well not the deepest, just a little higher.”
The American then says “Well that’s nothing, my country has developed a rocket that can go to the ends of space.”
The Ugandan and Russian then say “The very end?! Impossible.”
The American then replies, “Well not quite as far but close.”
The Ugandan continues the conversation and says, “Well that’s quite
interesting but in my country we eat with our noses.”
The American and Russian in complete disgust exclaim, “Your noses?!
That’s disgusting, and also impossible!”
The Ugandan chuckles and replies, “Well
not quite with our noses just a little lower.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1vh6/a_russian_an_american_and_a_ugandan_man_walk_into/
%
How do Japanese bloods say whats up to eachother?

Wassah B?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1s4b/how_do_japanese_bloods_say_whats_up_to_eachother/
%
I was part of a group project

With my wife.
I only put in 30 seconds of work but I still put my name on the birth certificate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1o91/i_was_part_of_a_group_project/
%
Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1mm3/any_married_man_should_forget_his_mistakes/
%
I asked my Spanish friend how her sex life’s been since she came out of the closet.

She says it’s less bien.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1k42/i_asked_my_spanish_friend_how_her_sex_lifes_been/
%
When you go down on an 80 year old lady, what does she taste like?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1fhw/when_you_go_down_on_an_80_year_old_lady_what_does/
%
Prison may be just one word.

But to others, it's a whole sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1ez8/prison_may_be_just_one_word/
%
Don't show up late to a cannibal's party...

You'll get the cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1cy8/dont_show_up_late_to_a_cannibals_party/
%
A Jew walks into a church during services, and begins to pray

He puts on his tallis (a Jewish garb for praying), takes out a prayerbook, and recites the beginning of the traditional service. A clergyman notices the Jew, and, bewildered, says, "Will all non-christians please leave."
The Jewish man just continues his prayer, not paying any attention to the clergyman. Taken aback, the clergyman repeats his sentence with a more commanding tone: "Will all non-christians please leave."
The Jew continues to daven, agitating the clergyman. Getting extremely impatient, he walks right up to the Jew and says, "Will all *Jews* please leave."
The Jew concedes and says, "Alright, alright, I'll leave. Just let me pack up." He takes off his tallis, puts away his prayerbook, and walks up to two small statues of Jesus and Mary.
Picking up the two statues he says, "It's time to go bubellah, they don't want us here anymore," and exits the building.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j186r/a_jew_walks_into_a_church_during_services_and/
%
When the computers crash at work.

A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. “It was awful,” the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. “All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.”
“That sounds awful,” the wife consoles.
“You’re telling me,” he replies after a sip, “I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j16zm/when_the_computers_crash_at_work/
%
i bought a book online it was about how to be deceitful ...

it's been 4 months and I have received nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j161v/i_bought_a_book_online_it_was_about_how_to_be/
%
A coworker is showing a new hire around.

A coworker is showing the latest company hire around the office. “How long have you worked here?” the new hire asks.
“Ever since they threatened to fire me,” the coworker answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j1605/a_coworker_is_showing_a_new_hire_around/
%
I haven’t spoke to my wife in 3 Days.

I don’t want to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j14az/i_havent_spoke_to_my_wife_in_3_days/
%
My calculator stopped working and I don't know why...

It just doesn't add up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j149u/my_calculator_stopped_working_and_i_dont_know_why/
%
Got into a fight at Bunnings once

It was a close one, but I beat them by 10%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j13fi/got_into_a_fight_at_bunnings_once/
%
Three couples want to join a church

, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and newlyweds. They’re in a meeting with the pastor and he tells them that if they want to join, they need to abstain from sex for 2 weeks to prove their devotion to the church.
Two weeks go by, and the couples meet back with the pastor to report on their success. The elderly couple says, ‘we haven’t had sex in years, two weeks was nothing.’ The pastor welcomed them to the church.
The middle aged couple reported, ‘the first week was a breeze, but the second week was tough so he slept on the couch and we were able to abstain.’ The pastor welcomed them to the church.
The newlyweds looked quite embarrassed and disappointed. The husband said, ‘I really was trying my hardest, but one day she was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and I just couldn’t help myself, so we had sex right there on the floor.’ The pastor was also disappointed and said that they weren’t welcome back to the church. The wife said, ‘yeah, we’re not welcome back to the grocery store either.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j0zhl/three_couples_want_to_join_a_church/
%
My girlfriend and I have a complex relationship.

I'm the real part and she's the imaginary part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j0yxx/my_girlfriend_and_i_have_a_complex_relationship/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world...

Those that understand binary, and those that dont.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j0xij/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Ever have sex with a girl only to realize they're completely insane?

For example, last week I hooked up with this cute red-head . She was smart, sexy, bit of a lisp. Everything seemed normal, but the second we got finished she started going on about how she was the Norse god of thunder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j0wpx/ever_have_sex_with_a_girl_only_to_realize_theyre/
%
A woman in a hot...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j0nod/a_woman_in_a_hot/
%
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,

"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared in to the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big smile on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j0nic/two_babies_were_sitting_in_their_cribs_when_one/
%
Last week my house was on fire. The kids were screaming.

My wife told them, 'be quiet or you'll wake your father!'
I tell ya I get no respect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j0k4x/last_week_my_house_was_on_fire_the_kids_were/
%
Life is like a video game

Most of us play on easy difficulty, some on medium, then there is Africa playing on hardcore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j0fzz/life_is_like_a_video_game/
%
So my 12 year old son asked me what are Cooties.

"Well son, when I was a child, we thought cooties were a germ only girls had"
And then my son goes
"So it's like Chlamydia"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j0efo/so_my_12_year_old_son_asked_me_what_are_cooties/
%
5 people are on a crashing plane but there are only 4 parachutes.

The first one says: "I am a renowned doctor! My patients need me for my medical expertise!" And with that, he takes a parachute and jumps.
The second says: "I am a famous actor! The world needs me for my skills!" And with that, he takes a parachute and jumps.
The third says: "I am the cleverest man alive! The world needs me for my superior wit!" And with that, he takes a parachute and jumps.
Now there are two people left on the plane- a young boy and an old man. The man says, "I have lived a full life. You go, take the last parachute and save yourself." The boy replies, "Actually, we can both survive. The cleverest man in the world took my backpack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j0c3u/5_people_are_on_a_crashing_plane_but_there_are/
%
A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview. The interviewer asks him, “So, what experience do you have?” The lumberjack replies, “Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.”

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, “The Sahara Forest? Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”
The lumberjack says, “Yeah, that’s what they call it now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8j0877/a_lumberjack_applies_for_a_job_and_gets_called/
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What do you call a Scottish dude giving another dude a rimjob?

A gaelic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8izxkm/what_do_you_call_a_scottish_dude_giving_another/
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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the museum for good, when he receives a letter.
"Dear sir,
I've discovered your advertisements and learned about your museum. I'm ecstatic to discover a fellow giant alphabet enthusiast! I, too, quested for a good Q. Fortunately, I have been successful enough to come to have 2 Qs: one is a large, mahogany carving, which I'm willing to part with for $1,500. The other is a marble statue dating back 150 years, which I will sell you for $10,000.
I eagerly await your response,
Rodney Joseph King."
The man wrote Mr. King back, and they arranged for the delivery of the wooden Q to the museum. Once the delivery arrived, however, it contained a metal post in the shape of an E. Confused, he wrote to King, explaining that he had received the wrong item. The letter he got back read:
"My apologies. I am having the Q carving sent at once. As a token of good will, you may keep the E for no extra charge.
Rod J. King"
The very next day, another delivery arrived. Relieved, the man went to unload his new Q so he could finally open his museum. However, he was shocked to find a wooden post in the shape of an E had been sent instead. Suspicious, he wrote another letter to King, demanding either the Q or his money back. Soon, a letter arrived in the mail:
"Again, my deepest apologies. Once again, you may keep the E. I would send you the Q carving, but it's recently been stolen from me. I have enclosed a check for $1,500, your payment for the Q. I am also willing to sell you the marble Q statue at a discounted price for your troubles - only $7,500.
R. J. King"
Despite his issues, this was the man's only potential supplier of a Q so far, so he decided to order the Q statue. Sure enough, the delivery came soon. The man went to inspect it, and upon seeing the contents, he yelled out,
"Dammit! It's another E-post from R. Joe K's!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iztps/a_rich_eccentric_man_owns_a_museum_of_giant/
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Black Panther walks into a racist bar...

"Wakanda shit is this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8izsgt/black_panther_walks_into_a_racist_bar/
%
Cooling yourself to -273C is completely fine...

If you do, you'll be 0K!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8izr44/cooling_yourself_to_273c_is_completely_fine/
%
My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8izq1g/my_wife_left_me_because_im_insecure_and_paranoid/
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Polish guy buys a ticket to a movie.

One minute later he buys another ticket. Another minute later he buys yet another ticket. Finally, the gal at the ticket booth say, “Why do you keep buying multiple tickets to the same film?”
The Pollack says, “Every time I try to enter the theater, this asshole rips my ticket up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8izo6j/polish_guy_buys_a_ticket_to_a_movie/
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Hired a hitman to kill my wife of 40 years

"I'll shoot her just below the left breast" he said.
I replied "I want her dead mate, not fucking kneecapped"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8izkxg/hired_a_hitman_to_kill_my_wife_of_40_years/
%
My ex wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8izj6t/my_ex_wife_still_misses_me/
%
Me and my wife went out for dinner. I ordered the Meatloaf...

...they brought me 3 slices and I ate 2. She complained i didn't finish, but 2 out of 3 ain't bad....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8izio8/me_and_my_wife_went_out_for_dinner_i_ordered_the/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8izic2/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
A man wins the lottery and comes home one day

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"
The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?"
He says, "I don't care, just get the fuck out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iza2f/a_man_wins_the_lottery_and_comes_home_one_day/
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I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a Pirate, the host said where are your buccaneers? I replied.

Under me buckinghat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iz8cf/i_went_to_a_fancy_dress_party_dressed_as_a_pirate/
%
I'm going to combine my hobbies of taxidermy and bomb making

And make you an otter you can't defuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iywql/im_going_to_combine_my_hobbies_of_taxidermy_and/
%
A man walks into a bar, with a newt on his shoulder.

He passes the night trying to chat up every girl he sees, but sadly to no avail, since everyone is wierded out by his newt.
Finally, he sees a beautiful girl and strikes up a conversation with her. After a few moments of talking, she questions him about the newt.
"What's his name?" The girl ask him.
"Tiny" the man responds.
"Oh whys he named that?" The girl questions.
"Because he's my newt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iyura/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_newt_on_his_shoulder/
%
A seven-year-old tells his four-year-old brother that they should start swearing.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'" The four-year-old happily agrees.
At breakfast, the seven-year-old says, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some toast."
The surprised mother quickly smacks him. The boy runs upstairs crying. The mother turns to the younger boy, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the four-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be toast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iyu5a/a_sevenyearold_tells_his_fouryearold_brother_that/
%
David Beckham decides to go horse riding

Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse round the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco security guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iys4y/david_beckham_decides_to_go_horse_riding/
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Wife calls her husband and says, “Be careful driving home. Some idiot is driving the wrong direction on the freeway.”

Husband frantically replies, “No! It’s not just one guy going the wrong direction! There’s dozens of them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iyqwc/wife_calls_her_husband_and_says_be_careful/
%
Make a fire and you’ll be warm for a day.

Light yourself on fire and you’ll be warm for the rest of your life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iyo8d/make_a_fire_and_youll_be_warm_for_a_day/
%
Testing makeup on animals is WRONG...

They are cute enough already.
^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iyh63/testing_makeup_on_animals_is_wrong/
%
Caitlyn Jenner won Woman of the Year on 2015

Proving that even when men are women they're better at it than women are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iyeqz/caitlyn_jenner_won_woman_of_the_year_on_2015/
%
What do Yoko Ono and Ethiopians have in common?

They both live off of dead Beatles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iyem4/what_do_yoko_ono_and_ethiopians_have_in_common/
%
3 people are on a plane

An American man, a French guy, and an Arab are all on a plane. Suddenly the pilot comes over the PA and says the plane is going to crash if they don't get rid of some unnecessary weight. The American takes a huge bag of hamburgers out of his suitcase and tosses it out the window, saying "Not a problem, I've got plenty of these where I come from." The Arab guy somehow produces an entire barrel of oil and tosses it out, saying "Not a problem, I got plenty of this where I come from." The French guy thinks things over for a minute, then grabs the Arab and throws him out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iyc2z/3_people_are_on_a_plane/
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What's the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iyb7w/whats_the_best_part_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
What is Thanos's favorite video game?

Half Life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iy9h5/what_is_thanoss_favorite_video_game/
%
Have you ever heard of the paralysed man who aspired to become a stand-up comedian?

He figured sitcoms suited him better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iy0uo/have_you_ever_heard_of_the_paralysed_man_who/
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What should an old man do on his first night of marriage?!

An old man married a young lady. On their first night, he asked her: Do you know what we're going to do? She replied with no. He yelled: Oh my God, You don't know and I forgot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ixzzo/what_should_an_old_man_do_on_his_first_night_of/
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[Spoilers] I finally watched Avengers: Infinity War

It was alright. Probably give a 5/10. The first half was great, but the other half just kind of fell apart in the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ixzxt/spoilers_i_finally_watched_avengers_infinity_war/
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Thanos goes to his urologist.

The urologist says, "Congrats Thanos, you now also have the kidney stone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ixul2/thanos_goes_to_his_urologist/
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A mathematician, an Astronomer, and a idiot go to heaven

They reach heavens doors to see God talking to the Devil. God turns to the three and says, “So Heaven is a little backed up right now and we can’t take everyone, so I struck a deal with the devil by asking him a question he can’t solve”
The Mathematician goes first says, “I need a chalkboard” the Devil snaps his fingers and presents the mathematician with the chalkboard, he then writes the hardest math problem ever conceived. The Devil walks up and after 5 minutes he says, “536.7693 to the power of 35”, The Mathematician is astonished by the correct answer and goes to hell.
The Astronomer steps forward and says, “find me a planet with life on it that isn’t Earth”, the Devil snaps his fingers and a magnificent telescope appears and he searches. Hours go by and he says, “right here”, The Astronomer looks into the telescope to see a planet with avid life moving on and off the planet. The Astronomer goes to hell.
The Idiot steps forward and says, “Give me a chair”, the Devil snaps his fingers and a demonic looking chair appears in front of them, “Drill 8 holes anywhere on the seat of the chair” the Devil does as so, and the idiot afterwards sits on it. The Idiot then goes and farts loudly onto the chair, he stands up and says, “what hole did I fart out of?”. The Devil looking at all the holes looks up and says, “Third one to the left”, the idiot replies, “No the hole that I farted out of was my asshole”.
The Idiot goes to heaven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ixsad/a_mathematician_an_astronomer_and_a_idiot_go_to/
%
Why are women like KFC?

After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ixrxb/why_are_women_like_kfc/
%
Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ixrmt/why_is_being_in_the_military_like_a_blowjob/
%
How is a women like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your d**k.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ixr5v/how_is_a_women_like_a_condom/
%
A blue whale is the largest animal that's ever existed

It's so big that if it was laid out on a basketball court the game would have to be cancelled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ixq4u/a_blue_whale_is_the_largest_animal_thats_ever/
%
Some mystery person keeps adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ixpos/some_mystery_person_keeps_adding_soil_to_my_garden/
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Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?"

Him: "No, I hit trees."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ixjuu/him_i_drive_like_lightning_her_so_you_drive_fast/
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I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ixjo9/im_a_fruit_if_you_take_away_my_first_letter_im_a/
%
What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both go around Uranus looking for cling-ons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ixf2e/what_do_the_starship_enterprise_and_toilet_paper/
%
Do you know..?

In PUBG there are more guns at School than at the shooting range

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ixcgc/do_you_know/
%
Did you hear that Satan outlawed scales?

I know, when I heard it, I thought to myself, "There's no weigh in Hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ix8g2/did_you_hear_that_satan_outlawed_scales/
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Two integrals are working out at the gym

One says to the other 'I'm really going to push past my limits today'.
'Are you sure of that?'
'Well, I can't be definite'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ix7zl/two_integrals_are_working_out_at_the_gym/
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Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?

A: She can't find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ix61w/q_why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
%
A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep

She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dogs testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.
Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused.
He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dogs scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what
the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ix1hc/a_woman_has_a_dog_who_snores_in_his_sleep/
%
I got hit in the head with a soda can yesterday...

I'm just glad it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iwyzy/i_got_hit_in_the_head_with_a_soda_can_yesterday/
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I asked my dad, "What's the best way to form a joke?"

He explained, "Well, first, I have to come up with the right combination of words".
"Got it, then what?" I asked
"If I carefully put them together in a particular order, your mum will have sex with me and nine months later a joke pops out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iwy6x/i_asked_my_dad_whats_the_best_way_to_form_a_joke/
%
Can Obi-Wan obi?

Yes, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iww9e/can_obiwan_obi/
%
I wanted to be a trapeze artist when I grew up but I gave up.

I just couldn't get the hang of it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iwt2g/i_wanted_to_be_a_trapeze_artist_when_i_grew_up/
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A woman goes to her doctor for her checkup

Doctor: Wow! Thats the biggest vagina I've ever seen! Wow. Thats the biggest vagina I've ever seen.
Woman: You didn't have to repeat yourself.
Doctor: I didn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iws2q/a_woman_goes_to_her_doctor_for_her_checkup/
%
I introduced a miner to some heavy metal.

The Miner really digs the music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iwr8h/i_introduced_a_miner_to_some_heavy_metal/
%
The pink panther likes to do

To do to do to do to do to do to dooo dodododo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iwpoe/the_pink_panther_likes_to_do/
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I hate when Engineering students call themselves Engineers

Like Med students don't call themselves Doctors
And Art students don't call themselves Unemployed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iwph4/i_hate_when_engineering_students_call_themselves/
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After watching her daily for a few months I finally gathered courage to go talk to her.

Me: I think you are cute, how about we go watch a movie and dinner later tonite?
Her: Sorry, but I don't think coworkers are allowed to date per HR policy.
Me: that should not be a problem as I don't think of you as a coworker. I never see you doing any work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iwo6q/after_watching_her_daily_for_a_few_months_i/
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2+2+2=7

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven, sir.
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
Johnny: I have pet cat already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iwkml/2227/
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How long before I can get a haircut?

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around a the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?' Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!" ....Lmao!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iwjyt/how_long_before_i_can_get_a_haircut/
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Helium walks into a bar..

..the bartender says "we don't serve noble gases"
Helium didn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iwj4h/helium_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a School and a Terrorist Base?

I dunno, i'm just flying the Drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iwisy/whats_the_difference_between_a_school_and_a/
%
A blonde joins a book club.

She goes along to the first meeting and it's her turn to share what she's been reading this week.
"Well, it took me a while to finish, but this was a brilliant read and I highly recommend it". She pulls out a bookmark and shows it to the group.
One of the members says, "Um... That's not a book"
"What are you talking about? Mark at the library gave me this when I asked him for a book!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iwfbx/a_blonde_joins_a_book_club/
%
What do pizza delivery guys and gynecologists have in common?

They can smell it, but they don't get to eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iw6yy/what_do_pizza_delivery_guys_and_gynecologists/
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A man is talking with his pet fish,

The fish tells the man that the word "gullible" is on the ceiling, the man looks and sees nothing on the ceiling.
The fish mutters under it's breath, "Heh, gillable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iw6bc/a_man_is_talking_with_his_pet_fish/
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A good computer

Jack :-“My elbow really hurts I guess I should see doctor.
His friend “Don’t be so desi. There’s a computer at the
drug store that can diagnose anything quicker andcheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer
will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do
about it. It only costs $10.00.
Jack figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar
with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read- You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new
technology was and how it would change medical
science forever,Jack began to wonder if it could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from
his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer,
poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.?
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights,
and printed out the following analysis.......
*1.*Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.?
*2.*Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.?
*3.*Your daughter is getting’ screwed by three guys at
the same time and has urinary infection. Put her on
Antibiotic and keep a track of her outings.
*4.* Your wife is pregnant . . . twins. They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.
*5.* And Bastard, If you don’t stop masturbating, your
elbow will never get better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iw5do/a_good_computer/
%
A couple just finalized their adoption of a Japanese baby.

Shortly after, they signed up for Japanese lessons and explained that they had just adopted a baby.
"How nice!" said the teacher.
"Yeah," they agreed. "He'll be talking in a couple years and we want to be able to understand him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iw584/a_couple_just_finalized_their_adoption_of_a/
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My girlfriend says she wants to see other people

I told her a thousand times it's not my fault she's blind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iw0ab/my_girlfriend_says_she_wants_to_see_other_people/
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A scrawny little fellow turned up at a lumber company looking for work.

'Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,' he said to the head lumberjack. 'All right,' said the boss. 'Take this axe and cut fired that oak tree.' Five minutes later the man was back. 'I've cut it down,' he says, 'and split it into lumber.' The boss couldn't believe his eyes. 'Where on earth did you learn to cut down trees so fast?' 'The Sahara,' the man answered. 'The Sahara desert?' 'Desert? Oh yes, that's what they call it now.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivx3a/a_scrawny_little_fellow_turned_up_at_a_lumber/
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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up...

Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted.
She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.
”How did it go?” the doctor asked.
”Terrible, doctor, terrible.”
”Did it not work?”
”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”
”Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivtmf/this_elderly_lady_went_to_the_doctor_for_a_checkup/
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I was at a party once.

As it got wilder, I must have lost my watch somewhere. Later, I saw some guy stepping on it while harassing some woman at the party. Infuriated, I immediately went over and punched him in the face.
No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivt4g/i_was_at_a_party_once/
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I just saw a man driving a tractor shouting "The end of the world is nigh"

I think it was Farmer Geddon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivsyh/i_just_saw_a_man_driving_a_tractor_shouting_the/
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"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot would be 100% sure about everything."

"Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivrzd/remember_son_a_smart_person_always_has_doubts/
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What's Donald Trump's least favorite band?

Foreigner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivqlq/whats_donald_trumps_least_favorite_band/
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A barber in my neighbourhood got arrested for selling drugs

I was shocked, never knew he was a barber too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivqlb/a_barber_in_my_neighbourhood_got_arrested_for/
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Guy walks up to the urinal next to a dark skinned man. As he's doing his thing, he notices the man has a tattoo on his penis.

it says "Wendy". The guy remarks, "Hey! That's interesting! I have a tattoo on my dick too and it has my wife's name Wendy on it as well!"
The dark skinned man looks at him and says "what do you mean? Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivpem/guy_walks_up_to_the_urinal_next_to_a_dark_skinned/
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What if the last words of the bible were

"... you had to be there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivpd5/what_if_the_last_words_of_the_bible_were/
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What do the Canadians use to hang themselves

A moose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivoa3/what_do_the_canadians_use_to_hang_themselves/
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A lion gathered all animals on a meeting

Lion: I have decided that my daughter is old enough for a marriage and I want her to marry the bravest animal in my kingdom. I will give her hand to whoever jumps of this cliff we are standing on right now.
Silence. Noone is brave enough to do such a thing.
Suddenly, everyone hears "AAAAAAARGH" and then "THUMP". When the dust disappeared, there was a bear wiping the dust from his fur and shouting:
Bear: You, lion will give me your daughter now, and rabbit, you are dead when I catch you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivn7h/a_lion_gathered_all_animals_on_a_meeting/
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What do you call a crazy parasite on the moon?

A Lunar-tick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivlok/what_do_you_call_a_crazy_parasite_on_the_moon/
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Dad, what rhymes with ‘orange’?

No it doesn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivl6w/dad_what_rhymes_with_orange/
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Despite what you may hear or read, the United States is close to perfection.

Canada!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivkmu/despite_what_you_may_hear_or_read_the_united/
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I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.

That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivk8h/i_lent_my_umbrella_to_a_hot_girl_yesterday/
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Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivi20/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_two_doors/
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A Lion would NEVER drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivhzl/a_lion_would_never_drive_while_drunk/
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Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivhn7/jehovahs_witnesses_dont_celebrate_halloween/
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Fetishes

I used to be into BDSM, beastiality, and necrophilia. But then I realized I was just beating on a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivgma/fetishes/
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When does soil get rich?

When mother nature makes it rain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ive1i/when_does_soil_get_rich/
%
A relationship is like playing cards

First you have hearts and diamonds then at the end is clubs and spades

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivdtt/a_relationship_is_like_playing_cards/
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What did the Buddhist say at the hotdog stand?

Make me one, with everything.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivdds/what_did_the_buddhist_say_at_the_hotdog_stand/
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"You treat me like rubbish!" said my wife.

"No, I don't," I replied. "I actually take the rubbish out sometimes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivd5g/you_treat_me_like_rubbish_said_my_wife/
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What’s the collective noun for sneezes?

A choo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivczh/whats_the_collective_noun_for_sneezes/
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What's the biggest restriction with my current diet?

My jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ivczf/whats_the_biggest_restriction_with_my_current_diet/
%
An old man, a boy and a donkey.

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.  Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!  Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
**The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iv9qk/an_old_man_a_boy_and_a_donkey/
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I had a great father figure growing up

I was Overweight and balding, school was tough :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iv8h6/i_had_a_great_father_figure_growing_up/
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Do you want to read a joke about ghosts ?

Yeah ?
That's the spirit !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iv7pm/do_you_want_to_read_a_joke_about_ghosts/
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Bono, whilst playing a gig in Glasgow, got the whole crowd to be silent and then began slowly clapping his hands

He got the crowd to clap along for a while, the stadium quiet except for the rhythmic clapping.
After a short period Bono spoke, saying that every time he clapped his hands a child in Africa died.
Suddenly, from the front row of the venue a voice broke out in thick Scottish brogue, ending the silence as it echoed across the crowd, the voice cried out to Bono “Well stop Fecking clapping then, ya cunt!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iv5x8/bono_whilst_playing_a_gig_in_glasgow_got_the/
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A journalist was tasked to interview the best costume maker in the world...

So the journalist asked for an appointment with the costume maker, and luckily, he accepted.
Now this costume maker might be famous, but no one but himself and a few people know his real name. His identity was shrouded in mystery. The name he goes by is Mr. D.D., which are his initials. The journalist was determined to know Mr. D.D.'s true name.
When the date of the appointment came, the journalist went to Mr. D.D.'s mansion and was greeted by Mr. D.D. himself. Mr. D.D. was an intimidating man, rugged-looking and very burly, but had refined taste in clothing.
"Good afternoon, sir. My name is Sheena, and I am very pleased to meet you," said the journalist.
"Good afternoon as well, Sheena. I am Mr. D.D., but you already know that. Come in! I will show you all my costumes!" replied Mr. D.D.
Sheena was delighted. She followed Mr. D.D. in his costume exhibit, while taking notes about their conversation and admiring all his costumes. She tried her hardest to find any clues about Mr. D.D.'s name, but to no avail.
Finally, Mr. D.D. took Sheena to the last costume in the exhibit. It was on a golden pedestal, worn by a golden mannequin. It was a nun costume.
"This is the very first costume that I made. I made it during hard times. This costume is the only costume that I wore, and it is very dear to me. It made me popular all over the world." Mr. D.D. said.
Since this was her last chance, Sheena finally found the courage to ask Mr. D.D. his real name.
"Mr. D.D., this can be our little secret. What is your real name?" Sheena asked.
Mr. D.D. looked at her straight in the eye. He decided that Sheena seemed trustworthy enough.
"I... am... Dabus Driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iv5bg/a_journalist_was_tasked_to_interview_the_best/
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How do you know that a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iv3za/how_do_you_know_that_a_sniper_likes_you/
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A chicken walks into a library...

... and goes up to the librarian at the front desk.
**Librarian**: Can I help you?
**Chicken** (stares at her for a minute, then says): Book!
The librarian is confused, but gives the chicken a random book, who looks happy and leaves.
The next day, the chicken returns looking a bit irritated, and returns the book.
**Librarian**: Oh, hi. Can I help you again?
**Chicken**: Book book book!
The librarian is still confused, but gives the chicken three random books, which it takes under its wing and goes on its way.
The next day, the librarian sees the chicken come back to the library again, returning all three books. Before she has a chance to ask anything the chicken clucks:
**Chicken**: Book, book book book, book!
Taken aback, the librarian gives the chicken five more books before it leaves. But the librarian is curious about what exactly is going on here, so she takes her break and follows the chicken out of the building. Eventually, she sees the chicken go into a house, so the librarian sneaks up to the window and looks inside. There, she sees a sick frog, with a cast on its leg, resting in bed. The chicken suddenly comes into the room, gives the frog a hug, and hands over the books it got from the library. The frog then takes a glance at each book, but looks bored and says:
**Frog**: Reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iv1u0/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
%
Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships...

Apparently ‘in HD’ was not the right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iv11z/today_a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
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(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"
And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and looks at Little Jimmy, asking: "And just what do *you* want for breakfast, Jimmy?"
And Jimmy says: "Well, I sure as fuck don't want no God-damn biscuit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iv0tk/my_dad_told_me_this_one_so_two_eightyearolds_wake/
%
This really hot chick walks up to the bartender and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"

He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss". She leans in and starts running her fingers through his beard and then slips 2 fingers in his mouth, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iuvcz/this_really_hot_chick_walks_up_to_the_bartender/
%
You order one pizza

You love it.
Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.
Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.
That's the domino effect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iuuja/you_order_one_pizza/
%
Hey girl, are you made of Copper, Nitrogen, Terbium, and Silver?

Because you are a CuNTbAg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iurqa/hey_girl_are_you_made_of_copper_nitrogen_terbium/
%
A man went into the doctors with both ears severely burned...

The doctor said ‘Christ man, how did you manage that?!’
The man replied ‘Well, I was doing the ironing when I suddenly heard the phone ring. I can’t believe that I did this, but I accidentally pressed the iron to my ear instead of the phone!’
The doctor thought for a moment and said ‘that explains one ear, but how did you burn the other one?’
The man replied ‘Well, I burned that one trying to call an ambulance!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iupfo/a_man_went_into_the_doctors_with_both_ears/
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Did you know that

if you put your ear up to a strangers leg, you can hear them say, "what the fuck are you doing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iunok/did_you_know_that/
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Today, my dad complimented me on my parking skills

I’m still shaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iumob/today_my_dad_complimented_me_on_my_parking_skills/
%
Nurse to my dad at the hospital...

... after he was hit by a car on his bike: do you smoke?
Dad, still not sure who the current president is: only when I'm on fire
Nurse: looks to my mom
Mom: no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iumdj/nurse_to_my_dad_at_the_hospital/
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Officer: I'm sorry sir but it looks like your wife got run over by a truck

.
Guy: I know but she has a great personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iuh5w/officer_im_sorry_sir_but_it_looks_like_your_wife/
%
My girlfriend is in a band

, and for our anniversary I bought her a new drum kit.
It was a cymbal of my love.
I hope this is an original joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iug3e/my_girlfriend_is_in_a_band/
%
Nsfw a rabbit and a bear cross a field and stumble on a green lamp.

The rabbit spoting the lamp instinctively rubbed it and in his  astonishment and with a large puff of smoke a genie appeared coughing and splutering...
"Wow thank you both for releasing me its been ages since my last release. As customary i grant you both three wishes of your hearts desire"
The bear smiles and excitedly says
"Ive got one, ive got one"
Genie "tell me bear whats your first wish?"
"Id lile to be hung you know down their like really big one"
Genie "well thats a very popular one with the boys alachazamb". The genie grants the bears his wish and gives him a really big dick.
Genie "rabbit your turn"
Rabbit says "i want a motorcycle helmet"
Genie "rabbit are you sure? Its such a small request and you can have your true hearts desires. Personally i think its a wasted wish."
Rabbit "thats what i want"
Genie "alachazamb". Rabbit gets his motorcycle helmet and puts it on. "Bear whats your second wish?".
Bear says "i want all the female bears in the world to be right here right now infront of me"
Genie says laughing "oi oi massive dick and all the female bears infront of you i saw that comming, i grant you your wish."
Rabbit says "i will have a motorbike please". Genie grants rabbits wish.
Genie "so bear whats your final wish"
Bear says "i want to be the only male bear on the planet."
Genie "wasnt expecting that one you dog, massive dick and the only male bear surrounded by all the females, brilliant"
Genie kills all other male bears and grants bear his final wish.
Rabbit sitting on his motorbike revving engine says loudly....
"Genie my final wish is for the bear to be gay"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iufbq/nsfw_a_rabbit_and_a_bear_cross_a_field_and/
%
Little Johnny

One day little Johnny was playing in the sandbox with his crush, Sally. As they are playing, Johnny let's out a little fart causing the smallest little puff of sand. Embarrassed, Johnny starts to apologize. Before he has the chance, Sally interupts him proclaiming "that was amazing, how did you do that?" Johnny replies, "Oh I don't know, it just kind of happened." They continue to play, however Sally kept insisting Johnny to teach her. Finally succumbing, Johnny tells her she should just try pushing. Sally tries and tries to no avail. Johnny encourages her to push with all her might. Sally then pushes with all she's got and suddenly there an explosion, Sally flies one way, Johnny flies the other, sand goes everywhere and both are knocked out! Dazed, Johnny wakes up first. He stumbles over to Sally and lifts up her dress. "Just as I thought" he exclaims, "dual exhaust."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iuawv/little_johnny/
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The only person responsible for dandruff prevention is you.

It falls on your shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iu5oq/the_only_person_responsible_for_dandruff/
%
DJ Khaled was featured in a Weight Watchers commercial for losing weight...

...He must have stopped eating out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iu5j5/dj_khaled_was_featured_in_a_weight_watchers/
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My wife said, "Are you ashamed to walk with me?"

I said, "Why are you shouting?"
She said, "Because you're on the other fucking side of the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iu3r8/my_wife_said_are_you_ashamed_to_walk_with_me/
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No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the words complete and finished. However......

"When you marry the right person, you are COMPLETE.
But, when you marry  the wrong person, you are FINISHED.
And when the 'right one' catches you  with the 'wrong one'
Well ....   you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iu1h6/no_dictionary_has_been_able_to_adequately_explain/
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Grammar is the difference between...

Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you're shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8its5i/grammar_is_the_difference_between/
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Why is Batman jealous of Superman?

Superman got adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8itrye/why_is_batman_jealous_of_superman/
%
Interviewer: what is your biggest strength?

Me: I’m a fast learner
Interviewer: what 11 x 11?
Me: 72
Interviewer: no, it’s 121
Me: it’s 121

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8itroo/interviewer_what_is_your_biggest_strength/
%
McPherson walked into a bar...

McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of olives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8itnr5/mcpherson_walked_into_a_bar/
%
My dad told me I was listening to way too much Korean Music.

I told him, "K pop"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8itnkz/my_dad_told_me_i_was_listening_to_way_too_much/
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I once met a guy who asked me “aren’t you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?”

I then replied “No, I’m the guy with the longest garden hose in the county.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8itm6g/i_once_met_a_guy_who_asked_me_arent_you_that_guy/
%
What is Thanos's favorite drink?

Snapple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8itkdv/what_is_thanoss_favorite_drink/
%
An American, Russian and Malaysian are having a conversation

The American says: "We have the best stealth planes ever. We can fly our B-2 stealth bomber over Beijing and the Chinese will never see."
The Russian, not willing to be out done, says "We also have good stealth planes, so stealthy like Khrushchev and very accurate. 100% not bootleg."
The Malaysian said, "I have the best stealth plane. MH370 hasn't been found for 4 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8itj86/an_american_russian_and_malaysian_are_having_a/
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I’ve been looking for 3 years to find my wife’s killer.....

I still haven’t found anyone to do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8itg69/ive_been_looking_for_3_years_to_find_my_wifes/
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Adding a PERIOD to a sentence can literally change everything, too. For example...

*Jane was on her bike.*
Becomes...
*Jane was on her period.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8itfa3/adding_a_period_to_a_sentence_can_literally/
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Our new full-breed dog has my wife's name on the papers

Bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8itd8x/our_new_fullbreed_dog_has_my_wifes_name_on_the/
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8itb8g/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an_insomniac_a/
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I decided at a young age that I would get buried in the same way as my father

Unfortunately gangsters buried him alive
Side note,could someone please send help

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ita65/i_decided_at_a_young_age_that_i_would_get_buried/
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I found a hair in my Snack Pack.

It was off-pudding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8it7j5/i_found_a_hair_in_my_snack_pack/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Half way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8it58y/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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There are a lot of double standards in dating. Like if a girl has sex with a bunch of dudes, she called a "slut."

If I do it, I'm called a "homosexual."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8it1fk/there_are_a_lot_of_double_standards_in_dating/
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When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste.

When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iszso/when_you_eat_a_lot_of_spicy_food_you_can_lose/
%
Michael Stipe has died but so far only two people know.

That's me n' the coroner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8isz5q/michael_stipe_has_died_but_so_far_only_two_people/
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Two of my friends were talking shit about me

I said “you disgust me!”
They said “yes we did”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8isx34/two_of_my_friends_were_talking_shit_about_me/
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Cop on horse says to little girl..

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8isurc/cop_on_horse_says_to_little_girl/
%
The best joke ever heard and told

So a duck walks to a lemonaide stand and says, got any grapes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8isuiq/the_best_joke_ever_heard_and_told/
%
Why did the chicken walk across the mobius strip?

To get to the same side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8issk7/why_did_the_chicken_walk_across_the_mobius_strip/
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Today my wife told me I was about 8 inches.

Away from having a big dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iss5g/today_my_wife_told_me_i_was_about_8_inches/
%
Classic joke

Guy passes away and goes to Heaven. He is walking around aimlessly until an Angel stops him and asks
"Are you lost"
He said, "Yeah,kinda"
The Angel says," OK. Follow me and I'll show ya around."
He replies, "Great lead on."
They walk together down this corridor with numerous closed rooms.
"So, what are all these rooms for?", he asks
"Well, let's see. The one to your right is the Muslims. The one to your left is the Hindu room. The next one is the Jewish room. Across from there are another religion and so on. Now, this next room we need to be as quiet as possible. Shhhhhh!!! Tiptoe and do NOT make a sound!"
So they pass this room and just before the next door, the newly departed asks, " So, my angel, why did we have to tiptoe and not say a word? I am confused."
"Well, now, you see that was the Catholic room and those silly people think that they are the only ones here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8isrqt/classic_joke/
%
I got charged with sexual assault for slapping a geodude on the ass...

I think my life is over now that I've hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iso6e/i_got_charged_with_sexual_assault_for_slapping_a/
%
What do you call a convention for English teachers?

Comma-Con

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8isn1x/what_do_you_call_a_convention_for_english_teachers/
%
I was never really into fishing until the casting accident.

After that I was hooked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8isj39/i_was_never_really_into_fishing_until_the_casting/
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When is a statesman not a statesman?

When he's abroad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ishsg/when_is_a_statesman_not_a_statesman/
%
A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted  to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally  located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all  the books that he had published. There were books about nature, business, mathematics, everything you could think of. However, one book caught his eye. It had a bright golden sheen and was elegantly laid out on a table by itself.  As he opened the book, he could tell that the book was filled with ink calligraphy. He expressed his surprise at such an unusual book, to which the author responded with,
"No one expects the Spanish ink edition."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8isfm0/a_renowned_book_critic_heard_about_a_new_author/
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A bartender walks into a church, a temple, and a mosque.

He has no idea how jokes work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8isdrr/a_bartender_walks_into_a_church_a_temple_and_a/
%
“Siri, why am I still single?!”

Siri activates the front camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8isb5y/siri_why_am_i_still_single/
%
I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”
“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8isa3p/i_asked_my_boss_can_i_have_a_few_days_off_seeing/
%
What is the difference between a Woman and a coffin?

One you come in and one you go in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8is6tr/what_is_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
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If I had $1 for every repost in this sub...

I'd have the same dollar given to me over and over again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8is6nz/if_i_had_1_for_every_repost_in_this_sub/
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[NSFW] High definition

Have you seen the recent high definition 4K porn? The image is so crisp, you can see the dads disappointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8is6g1/nsfw_high_definition/
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What do you call a woman who doesnt suck dick?

You dont

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8is5ur/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_doesnt_suck_dick/
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A woman dies and goes to Heaven

There she is found by St Peter and is escorted to where she'll reside for the rest of her days. As they walk through Heaven,they go through a giant hallway full of clocks. "What are these clocks on the wall",she asks St Peter. "Every man and woman on earth has a personal clock and everytime he or she commits a sin,the clock ticks". "Ohhh...and where's my husband's clock?" she asks."Ahh,we've been using this one in Jesus' office as an air fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8is3i4/a_woman_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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What do you call arachnids gifted in espionage?

Spyders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8is371/what_do_you_call_arachnids_gifted_in_espionage/
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A joke my Grandmother told me today.

So a termite walks into a bar.  He sits down on one of the stools and asks the man behind the counter “Is the bar tender here?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8is0dm/a_joke_my_grandmother_told_me_today/
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A man breaks his leg, and is going to miss a lot of work.

He and his wife are desperately trying to figure out how they'll pay his medical bills, not to mention their mortgage and car payments which are going to be due soon.
Finally, the man hesitantly says "Listen, honey, you know I love you, but we're desperate, here. I can only think of one way we could come up with as much cash as we need, in such a short time."
"What is it?" she asked. "You're not planning on robbing a bank..."
"On crutches?! I don't think so!" he gulped "No... it's... uh... you're a very beautiful woman. I'm sure there'd be plenty of guys who would be willing to *pay...*"
"You want me to *prostitute myself?!*" she exclaimed.
"No, no, honey... I promise I don't *want* you too. I just can't think of another option, can you?"
The woman sulks for a while, thinking it over, and finally agrees. "I guess you're right. I mean, what choice do we have?"
----
Later that night, the pair pull up outside a bar in town. The woman nervously gulps, and says "I don't know if I can do this."
Her husband, trying to be reassuring, says "It'll be fine. Just stand in front of the door, and when a lonely looking fellow comes out, just ask him if he's looking to have some fun. Simple as that, and I'll be right here if you need me."
The woman, dressed in her shortest skirt, and lowest cut top, nervously gets out of the car, and leans against the wall near the bar door. Before long, a fairly tipsy young man stumbles out of the bar.
"Hey there... you want to have a good time?" the woman asks, her voice cracking a bit.
The man gives her the once over, and says "Hell yeah! I'm *definitely* interested. What's it gonna cost me?"
The woman gulps, and gives him the prices she and her husband had agreed upon. "It'll be $50 for sex, or $40 for a blow job."
"Deal!" the young guy says. He pulls his wallet out, opens it, and frowns. "Looks like I spent most of my money in there. What can I get for $20?"
The woman, flustered, says "I have to check with my hus... manager. I'll be right back." She makes her way back to the car and knocks on the window. The husband rolls it down a crack, and she explains the situation.
The husband thinks for a second, then says "Tell him that for $20 you'll give him a hand job."
The woman heads back over to the youth, and he agrees to the $20 hand job. The pair slip into the alley next to the bar, and the young man unzips his fly, revealing an extremely large cock. The woman's eyes widen, and she quickly runs back to the car. Her husband rolls the window down, and says "Look, honey... I know you're nervous, but it'll be okay, I promise. We nee..."
"No, it's not that," the woman interrupts. "I'm just wondering... do you think we could loan this guy 30 dollars..?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8irxl6/a_man_breaks_his_leg_and_is_going_to_miss_a_lot/
%
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people.

Others have no imagination whatsoever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8irxbe/some_people_hear_voices_some_see_invisible_people/
%
Driving past a cemetery:

dad: "did you know that all the people who live around here aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
me: "really? why not?"
dad: "because they're not dead yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8irvut/driving_past_a_cemetery/
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What time does Sean Connery show up at Wimbledon?

Tennish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8irvqy/what_time_does_sean_connery_show_up_at_wimbledon/
%
The person who invented bestiality drowned yesterday...

I guess now he's sleeping with the fishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8irvbo/the_person_who_invented_bestiality_drowned/
%
I don't trust elevators so....

... I'm taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8irudn/i_dont_trust_elevators_so/
%
One day, Hot Dog Bun Boy came home from school...

His mother saw him come in looking pretty glum and asked, "What's the matter Hot Dog Bun Boy?  Did something happen?"
Hot Dog Bun Boy replied, "I was in my history class and it's so frustrating that there are no lessons at all about Hot Dog Buns like us! It's so unfair!"
The mother came up to Hot Dog Bun Boy and gave him a consoling hug.  She then said, "I know son, it's not fair.  But in the end, history is written by the wieners."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8irt0s/one_day_hot_dog_bun_boy_came_home_from_school/
%
Ok,so a woman had a dating problem

Her vagina smelled like onion and whenever she dated someone and things would get intimate in bed,the guys would be like "Oh my god,smells like fucking onions" and then they would abandon her in the middle of the act.
This problem plagued her for many years until she decided to discuss it with her best friend.Her friend then suggested "Why don't you try going with a guy who can't smell". With this advice in mind,one night she met a guy in a bar,who luckily had a smelling disability. Pretty excited as she would finally be able to do it properly,they go to her house and get naked in bed. As the guy is getting ready to enter, he suddenly shouts "Oh my god,fucking onions". "But you told me you can't smell",she replies frustrated.
So the guy answers "Yes,but I'm fucking crying"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8irq02/okso_a_woman_had_a_dating_problem/
%
Two students and a teacher want to have sex with foreign exchange students.

One student goes for the French student, and the whole time she screams, "Oui! Oui! Oui!"
The other student gets with a Spanish student, and she screams, "Sí! Sí! Sí!"
The teacher locks a German student in his office, the whole time she screams, "Nein! Nein! Nein!" He replies, "Really? I could have sworn you were only eight years old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8irkj2/two_students_and_a_teacher_want_to_have_sex_with/
%
Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama

Because crimes can’t be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ir9ev/congress_announced_today_they_would_be_removing/
%
Why was the 4 year old African kid crying?

Because he was having a mid life crisis...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ir8c1/why_was_the_4_year_old_african_kid_crying/
%
[OC]A man walks into a hardware store

Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.
Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. Do you want them both?
Man: I'll take the former now and the latter ladder later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ir69b/oca_man_walks_into_a_hardware_store/
%
A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the forest;

The bear says to the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to you fur?"
"Uh... no?" Says the rabbit
The bear then took the rabbit, and used him to wipe his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ir67n/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_shitting_in_the_forest/
%
A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:

*Ben is in a hurry.*
*Ben is in a coma.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ir5z4/a_coma_in_a_sentence_can_literally_change/
%
So a black guy and a Latino guy and an Asian guy are all walking together!

A man walks up to them with a knife and says “if your dick sizes don’t add up to 20 inches, then you’re all getting stabbed”. The black guy pulls it out and it’s 12 inches. The Latino guy pulls it out and it’s 7 inches. The Asian guys pulls it out and it’s 1 inch. The man with the knife says “you’re all very lucky” and walks off.
After the man walks away, the black guy says “you guys are lucky I’m black”.
The Latino guy then says “you guys are lucky I’m Latino”.
The Asian guy then says “you guys are lucky I had a boner”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ir4zl/so_a_black_guy_and_a_latino_guy_and_an_asian_guy/
%
My wife died while getting potatoes from the pantry in the basement.

Him: My wife died today.
Friend of him: Oh my god! That's tragic, I am so sorry! How did that happen?!
Him: She was cooking and needed potatoes, so she went to the pantry in the basement to get some. Then she fell down the stairs.
Friend of him: Wow. And what did you do after that?
Him: I made noodles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iqt0i/my_wife_died_while_getting_potatoes_from_the/
%
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.

Being a sniper is awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iqr8g/i_took_my_motherinlaw_out_yesterday_morning/
%
How did the French-German psychic perform a seance?

On a Yes-Yes board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iqqdt/how_did_the_frenchgerman_psychic_perform_a_seance/
%
Only anti-vaxxers will get this....

measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iqe78/only_antivaxxers_will_get_this/
%
UPS

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. “Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?”
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play "WHO AM I?” Bob explained “Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.” The UPS man laughs and says “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.” Bob replied ”It’s probably a good thing you did. Your name came up seven times”…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iqd40/ups/
%
What do you call grammar nazis nowadays?

Alt-writes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iqae2/what_do_you_call_grammar_nazis_nowadays/
%
What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iq52m/what_did_kermit_the_frog_say_at_jim_hensons/
%
A little girl asked her mum, “How did the human race appear?”

Mum answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made …”
Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mum and said, “Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iq4e7/a_little_girl_asked_her_mum_how_did_the_human/
%
Hello...is your refrigerator running?

I guess you're not in Puerto Rico.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iq0p2/hellois_your_refrigerator_running/
%
My doctor just told me I have bipolar disorder.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ipvrd/my_doctor_just_told_me_i_have_bipolar_disorder/
%
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iprjb/a_couple_both_age_78_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
%
How do prostitutes get paid?

Income

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ipphw/how_do_prostitutes_get_paid/
%
I'm developing a phobia for German sausages.

I fear the Wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ipo20/im_developing_a_phobia_for_german_sausages/
%
What does the Fox say?

We're canceling all of your favorite shows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ipj3e/what_does_the_fox_say/
%
There was a study on Crows done in the UK....

As we all know, crows are very smart animals. They've learned that if they drop a nut into traffic, cars will run over it and break it open. This is usually performed by 2 crows; one to do the dropping and retrieving, and the second to signal no the first one when traffic is clear and it's safe to go retrieve the nut.
Now of course this isn't always successful and occasionally the retriever will get hit and killed.  The British researchers took paint samples from the breaks and talons of deceased crows and found that 90% of them had been hit by trucks as opposed to cars, so they decided to look into this.
Their research concluded that although crows can say "cah cah", they can't say "truck".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ipit9/there_was_a_study_on_crows_done_in_the_uk/
%
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

After reading this reposted joke everyday, the elephants realized their hiding spot was discovered, and found a new one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ipia4/why_dont_you_ever_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ipc9j/marriage_the_real_story/
%
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore...

...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ipapu/my_friend_cant_afford_to_pay_his_water_bill/
%
Why is Helen Keller such a bad driver?

Because she’s dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ipahj/why_is_helen_keller_such_a_bad_driver/
%
Special needs bus crashes into local pot shop and catches fire.

Baked potatoes all over the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ip9cw/special_needs_bus_crashes_into_local_pot_shop_and/
%
Why is the weather so nice in Saudi Arabia?

It's always Sunni!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ip8qg/why_is_the_weather_so_nice_in_saudi_arabia/
%
Science flies you to the moon.

Religion flies you into buildings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ip4yi/science_flies_you_to_the_moon/
%
Initially I didn’t want to have the brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ip363/initially_i_didnt_want_to_have_the_brain/
%
So I came home from work yesterday ....

.......To find that someone broke into my apartment. Looking around, it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV was still there, my PS4, and my legos were fine. But the apartment was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps...I was delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ip1a9/so_i_came_home_from_work_yesterday/
%
When I was little I thought being a veterinarian was the best job in the world

Then I found out they have to do more than put down cats all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iowfi/when_i_was_little_i_thought_being_a_veterinarian/
%
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ioumy/what_did_the_drummer_name_his_twin_daughters/
%
Martinis are like boobs...

one isn't enough, and three is too many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ioqa5/martinis_are_like_boobs/
%
Antivaxxers should create social media accounts for their children

They'll go viral in no time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ioq2r/antivaxxers_should_create_social_media_accounts/
%
Why was the anti-vaxers baby crying.

It was having a mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iolcz/why_was_the_antivaxers_baby_crying/
%
My wife and I went to Spain.

The other week I went to Barcelona for a vacation with my wife. We stayed at a small local hotel about 30 minutes from the city. The first day we had a great time going around las ramblas and going taking pictures at La Sagrada familia. That night we even attended a Barcelona game against Real Madrid. It was a great game, but unfortunately ended in a draw. We took a taxi back to the hotel, but on the way I started to feel funny. I had some pains in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day I had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack! I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel! The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.
I said “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”
She replied “no one expects the Spanish inn physician.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iolbu/my_wife_and_i_went_to_spain/
%
A snail thought taking off his shell would make him faster...

But it just made him more *sluggish*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iof2b/a_snail_thought_taking_off_his_shell_would_make/
%
Climbing the Ladder to Success

Joe walks along a road and comes across a man standing next to a ladder that stretches up into the clouds. He walks up to the man and asks what's going on.
"Oh, this? This is the ladder to success," the man replies.
"Interesting," Joe mumbles. "I was just fired from my job and caught my wife cheating on me, so what do I have to lose?"
Joe begins to climb and gets just above the lowest tier of clouds. Sitting seductively on the clouds he sees a fairly unattractive, overweight girl.
"You can keep climbing the ladder to success or you can stay here and spend the rest of eternity with me doing whatever you want," she says.
Joe thinks about it for a short time but decides that he wants to see what is at the top and continues his climb.
Above the next set of clouds he comes across a very cute girl who is wearing only bra and short jean shorts and is in the same seductive pose as the previous girl.
"You can keep climbing the ladder to success or you can stay here and spend the rest of eternity with me doing whatever you want," she says.
Joe ponders this for a moment. This girl is definitely out of his league and it sounds like this would be a great time. But the ladder is calling to him and Joe decides to continue his climb.
Above the next set of clouds Joe comes across the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Long legs, golden skin, ample breasts and a killer smile to go with her flowing blonde hair. She is wearing nothing but a skimpy bikini that leaves very little to the imagination.
"You can keep climbing the ladder to success or you can stay here and spend the rest of eternity with me doing whatever you want," she says, adding in a wink for good measure.
Joe is drawn to her and starts to step off the ladder, but something catches his eye. He looks up and sees a hatch at the top of the ladder. Greedily, Joe thinks that if he climbs the ladder to success then he'll have fame and glory and can have any girl that he wants. So he gets back on the ladder and climbs until he pushes through the hatch.
He is suddenly in a small cabin and looks around. All he sees is a massive, hairy beast of a man with a wry smile on his face.
"Welcome to my cabin," he bellows. "I'm Cess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iodwq/climbing_the_ladder_to_success/
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My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iod5p/my_local_drug_dealer_started_dressing_up_as_a/
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What is black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8io6fb/what_is_black_and_screams/
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Ever fucked a ghost?

A visiting professor at Harvard University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “So how many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you’re taking this seriously. So..has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response. But has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further....Have any of you made love to a ghost?”
One Arab student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back and says, “Son, all of the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says :
“Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost”. The student replies :
“GHOSTS?! Damn...From back there I thought you said ‘GOATS’!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8io5wp/ever_fucked_a_ghost/
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A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
"No, not at all", she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
“Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8io0xc/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_husbands_funeral/
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I hate being bi-polar.

It’s awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8io0su/i_hate_being_bipolar/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8inzyr/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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My son drew something in school today which made people scream.

They stopped after he opened fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8inzw7/my_son_drew_something_in_school_today_which_made/
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After being in an accident that disabled both my legs...

The doctor walked in with the medical bill,
I couldn't stand to look at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8inxmi/after_being_in_an_accident_that_disabled_both_my/
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I wet my pants in the third grade once...

And it cost me my teaching career.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8int76/i_wet_my_pants_in_the_third_grade_once/
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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8inrpj/a_bus_full_of_nuns_falls_of_a_cliff_and_they_all/
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Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koalafications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8inqwg/why_arent_koalas_actual_bears/
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Quit bugging me

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8inpnt/quit_bugging_me/
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What do you call a member of the blue man group when he's caught red-handed betraying his fellow blue men?

The purple traitor of a crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8inmxa/what_do_you_call_a_member_of_the_blue_man_group/
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My girlfriend takes my breath away.

She’s inflatable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8infqk/my_girlfriend_takes_my_breath_away/
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What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8inahv/whats_the_best_part_of_dating_a_homeless_girl/
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If you can't handle me at my worst....

I don't blame you. That shits ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8in9kp/if_you_cant_handle_me_at_my_worst/
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I sold my foot that had the Tic-Tac toe today...

I heard collectors pay more for items in mint condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8in6pv/i_sold_my_foot_that_had_the_tictac_toe_today/
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What does T'challa put on his hot dog?

Wakandaments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8in61b/what_does_tchalla_put_on_his_hot_dog/
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Hey girl, are you a hot single from my area?

Because you look like you'll give me some form of virus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8in5w3/hey_girl_are_you_a_hot_single_from_my_area/
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I told my friend he looked better without glasses

He replied “I don’t see why.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8in3i3/i_told_my_friend_he_looked_better_without_glasses/
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What do you call a prostitute's children?

Brothel Sprouts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8in0t7/what_do_you_call_a_prostitutes_children/
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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I slid my finger back out and within seconds, she was going down on me...

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8in02f/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole_i/
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What's the difference between a dog who can do tricks and a dog who sniffs his own butt?

One's a smart fella and the other's a fart smella.
Of course, many dogs are both...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8imyuk/whats_the_difference_between_a_dog_who_can_do/
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What do russians use for fishing?

A fishing nyet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8imw0k/what_do_russians_use_for_fishing/
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I'm looking to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum...

I just need help getting it off the ground...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8impwp/im_looking_to_start_up_my_own_business_recycling/
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My wife conceived on the staircase

I guess I have a step child now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8imp5j/my_wife_conceived_on_the_staircase/
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Did you hear about the deaf gynecologist?

He had to read lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8imntw/did_you_hear_about_the_deaf_gynecologist/
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Confession

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my
Dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down
That damn gun...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iml44/confession/
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The fight

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking
With a limp
" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the
Bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy.
" That little shit , O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you. He must have
had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what
he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" W ell," says Sean, "you should have
Defended yourself, didn't you have something
In your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but
useless in a fight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8imkrq/the_fight/
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Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8imj8h/remember_as_a_child_when_air_for_your_bike_was/
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Tony Stark and Pepper potts are sitting in bathtub feeling Happy..

... Suddenly Happy felt disgusted and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8imj3n/tony_stark_and_pepper_potts_are_sitting_in/
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My gym trainer asked me to eat as much as possible to gain weight. I can't handle eating so much.

I'm fed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8imegk/my_gym_trainer_asked_me_to_eat_as_much_as/
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A man and a woman were dating. NSFW

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 70 off came the pants. At 75 it was her bra and At 80 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car.
He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree! His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8imduw/a_man_and_a_woman_were_dating_nsfw/
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Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip (NSFW)

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk. One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, “They blow up so fast, don't they?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8im6ho/two_arabs_sit_in_the_gaza_strip_nsfw/
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There are a lot of silly jokes about blondes. And a lot of them are indeed very silly.

I don’t get the others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8im61x/there_are_a_lot_of_silly_jokes_about_blondes_and/
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Jack the Ripper's reasons for killing hookers was pretty understandable.

They wouldn't accept him into their ranks as Jack the Stripper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8im1mk/jack_the_rippers_reasons_for_killing_hookers_was/
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How many Country and Western singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. &nbsp;
One to change the bulb and four to sing about how much they loved the old one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8im0ha/how_many_country_and_western_singers_does_it_take/
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If a blind girl says you have a big dick

she's just pulling your leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ily3l/if_a_blind_girl_says_you_have_a_big_dick/
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My wife is like tomorrow

She never comes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ilxdg/my_wife_is_like_tomorrow/
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What did one pimple say to another?

Hey, what up cyst-ah?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ilw3u/what_did_one_pimple_say_to_another/
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Three guys, who are totally lost in a desert, find a magic lamp.

And obviously, a genie comes out of it. He tells the guys that they have one wish each.
The first guy says: I'm hungry and thirsty... but I'd really wish you could send me back home. I really miss my wife's cooking.
The genie snaps his fingers, and the first guy disapear. He looks at the second guy and asks what his wish is.
The second guy says: Well, unlike the guy you sent back home, I did come with my wife in this country before we got lost here. So can you just send me back to the hotel room I was in. My wife is peobably worried sick.
The genie once again snaps his fingers and the second guy disappear as well. Now, the genie turns to teh last guy and ask him what his wish is:
''Unlike my two friends, I have no wife, so no one to wait for me at home or at my hotel room. I feel a bit lonely since you sent them away... so do you think you could bring them back, so I'm not alone anymore?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ilvaa/three_guys_who_are_totally_lost_in_a_desert_find/
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If you go through a toll in Death Valley...

Can it be called a death toll?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ilnn9/if_you_go_through_a_toll_in_death_valley/
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They have liquid Viagra now

You can pour yourself a stiff one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ill8y/they_have_liquid_viagra_now/
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Dads are like boomerangs.

I tried throwing mine and it didn't really work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iljo3/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
I once got caught masturbating 1.609km from my crush's house.

She saw me cumming from a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ilitw/i_once_got_caught_masturbating_1609km_from_my/
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A little bird was flying south for winter

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out. Then he ate him!
Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ilihc/a_little_bird_was_flying_south_for_winter/
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What do you call soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

A slow swimmer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ilgug/what_do_you_call_soft_tissue_between_a_sharks/
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She texted me: "Your adorable."

I replied: "No. You're adorable."
Now she likes me. All I did was correct her typo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ilglh/she_texted_me_your_adorable/
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Two potatoes were walking together down the street

They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured potato called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured potato was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared.
"I have good news, and I have bad news," he told the uninjured potato, "The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news... is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ilcfi/two_potatoes_were_walking_together_down_the_street/
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A family is on a road trip

When suddenly a dildo bounces off their windshield.
"What was that?" asks the daughter.
"It was just a bug, dear" the mom replies.
"Damn" the son says, "did you see the size of it's dick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8il9j4/a_family_is_on_a_road_trip/
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Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over,

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8il9da/jims_car_is_swerving_all_over_the_road_so_a_cop/
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When people ask me where I got my well drawn tattoo, their always suprised when I say i got it in Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8il5mq/when_people_ask_me_where_i_got_my_well_drawn/
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What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A MegaSoreAss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8il13l/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
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Had a fight with an erection this morning...

I beat it single handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ikz00/had_a_fight_with_an_erection_this_morning/
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What do you call a 2 hour old Reddit post?

A tweet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ikygk/what_do_you_call_a_2_hour_old_reddit_post/
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A elastic band is thrown into a torture chamber,

A man comes up to him grabs him and stretches the elastic band out until he is just about to break,
The man stares the rubber band in the eyes,
“You have so much potential”
(Made this one myself, thank you.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ikw12/a_elastic_band_is_thrown_into_a_torture_chamber/
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What do you say when you break up with an electrician?

Watt is love?
Baby don't hertz me.
Don't hertz me.
N-ohm-ore.
N-ohm-ore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ikvco/what_do_you_say_when_you_break_up_with_an/
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Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.
Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.
She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my labia are getting a bit long and unattractive. I don't want anybody to know about this, absolutely nobody. Can you do this for me?
Most certainly, says the doctor, nobody will know about this. You have my word.
The surgery goes well and she wakes up in a hospital room with no roommates, on the table are 3 beautiful flower bouquets.
Alarmed and enraged she calls the doctor in and demands an explanation.
The first bouquet is from me. I felt that waking up after surgery to no flowers was sad and I also wanted to show my appreciation to how great of a client you are.
That's fine, she responds, but that doesn't explain the other 2 bouquets.
Well the second bouquet is from the nurses, you are always so lovely to them and they too wanted to show their appreciation.
That is lovely, thank you, but there is still 1 unexplained bouquet.
Oh that's from buddy in the burn ward, he thanks you for his new ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ikmm1/pamela_anderson_goes_to_see_her_plastic_surgeon/
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Why did the two spiders get along so well?

They see eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iklge/why_did_the_two_spiders_get_along_so_well/
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Communist jokes aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ikigr/communist_jokes_arent_funny/
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What do you call a blind dinosaur?

...A doyouthinkhesawus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ikfw9/what_do_you_call_a_blind_dinosaur/
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The Clock in the Window

A man was exploring some back streets in a city, when he saw a little shop with a clock in the window - which reminded him that his mantle clock was broken. So he returned home, got his clock, and returned to the shop.
He entered and put it on the counter, saying "Can you repair this?"
The shopkeeper, who was a small Jewish man, replied "I don't repair clocks - I'm a Mohel."
The man looked puzzled, until the shopkeeper explained that he performed circumcisions.
"Then why have you got a clock in your window?" he asked. The little man looked at him.
"So what would you put in the window?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ikfvq/the_clock_in_the_window/
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention,

SO she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ikeyl/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class_and_she_sees_that/
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What do you do if you have an elephant with three balls?

You walk him so you can pitch to the giraffe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ikev2/what_do_you_do_if_you_have_an_elephant_with_three/
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What's Justin Timberlakes favorite part of Eastern Europe?

The Crimea River.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ikemi/whats_justin_timberlakes_favorite_part_of_eastern/
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I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ikcgy/ive_been_taking_viagra_for_my_sunburn/
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Did you know that if you play Despacito backward you can hear the devil?

But what's even worse is that if you play it forwards you can hear Despacito

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ik9kf/did_you_know_that_if_you_play_despacito_backward/
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My wife is 8 months pregnant, and I want to get a head start on these "dad jokes"

But I don't want to jump the pun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ik8cc/my_wife_is_8_months_pregnant_and_i_want_to_get_a/
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There once was a snake breeder...

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it."
Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ik6wb/there_once_was_a_snake_breeder/
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My new girlfriend dumped me when she found out I was missing a toe

Apparently she's lactose intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ik42k/my_new_girlfriend_dumped_me_when_she_found_out_i/
%
Why is chess banned in islam?

Cause the queen moves freely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ijzyk/why_is_chess_banned_in_islam/
%
Stairway to Heaven

A very sad song for the handicapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ijzcp/stairway_to_heaven/
%
On the cruise ship. Damn parrot . . .

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean, doing the same act week after week. The audience would be different each week, so the magician figured he'd be safe to recycle his tricks. He was wrong though. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything -- after all, it was the captain's parrot. One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.
Finally, after a week, the parrot said, "Okay, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iju8m/on_the_cruise_ship_damn_parrot/
%
I asked my father what it was like learning Braille, but he didn't want to tell me.

I didn't realize it was such a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ijp7j/i_asked_my_father_what_it_was_like_learning/
%
How many chefs does it take to stuff a turkey?

One, but you really have to cram him in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ijn8b/how_many_chefs_does_it_take_to_stuff_a_turkey/
%
Little Ceasars makes their pizza like I like my women

Hot 'n' Ready!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ijm3q/little_ceasars_makes_their_pizza_like_i_like_my/
%
I wonder how the stadium gets so hot

Even though it's filled with fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ijle7/i_wonder_how_the_stadium_gets_so_hot/
%
How do you keep warm in a cold room?

You go to the corner,  because it's always 90 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ijkd4/how_do_you_keep_warm_in_a_cold_room/
%
Did you hear about the new operating system for people with herpes?

It's all open sores.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ijhke/did_you_hear_about_the_new_operating_system_for/
%
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink...

The bartender asks if he'd like food with that.
The black hole said "no thanks, I'm a light eater."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ij87e/a_black_hole_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
%
I told a dark joke at a funeral.

Nobody laughed at it but one guy was dead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ij48g/i_told_a_dark_joke_at_a_funeral/
%
A Roman walks into a bar

and says "I'll have a martinus." The bartender says "Do you mean 'martini?'" and the Roman says "No, I'm just going to have one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ij47c/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
They say mental illness is genetic

I know my kids make me crazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ij05o/they_say_mental_illness_is_genetic/
%
I tried telling a joke to this blind guy...

...but I don’t think he saw the humor in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iiz7i/i_tried_telling_a_joke_to_this_blind_guy/
%
How do you laugh in North Korean?

You dont

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iixwt/how_do_you_laugh_in_north_korean/
%
How do you confuse Helen Keller?

... give her a basketball and tell her to read it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iiqzo/how_do_you_confuse_helen_keller/
%
If girls with big tits work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

IHOP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iipgo/if_girls_with_big_tits_work_at_hooters_where_do/
%
What do and outdoorsman and an alcoholic have in common?

They both enjoy Natural Light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iikkp/what_do_and_outdoorsman_and_an_alcoholic_have_in/
%
I saw a guy with his dick in a jar of peanut butter

... he was fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iihkj/i_saw_a_guy_with_his_dick_in_a_jar_of_peanut/
%
School is like a penis

It’s long and hard unless your Asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iicrg/school_is_like_a_penis/
%
There were three balloons...

A mummy balloon, a daddy balloon and a baby balloon. The mummy and daddy balloon were watching TV and sitting on the lovely two seater sofa. The baby balloon ask his parents 'can I please sit on the sofa with you?' his father replies 'no, son. There is simply not enough room on the sofa for you.' Dejected, the baby balloon sits on his own chair. A few hours pass and his parents have fallen asleep watching TV. The baby balloon goes up to the sofa and tries to squeeze in between his parents. No luck, there really wasn't enough room. So he unties his mother and let's some air out and ties her up again. He tries to fit but once again there's no room so he unties his father, let's some air out and ties him back up. He tries again to no avail. This time he let's some air out of himself and tries to sit on the sofa. At last! There is space! Baby balloon sits sleeps in between his parents.
The next morning, daddy balloon is angry with baby balloon and he says in a disappointed voice 'i can't believe what you've done. I'm so disappointed.... you've let me down, you've let your mother down. But more importantly you've let yourself down.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iic9l/there_were_three_balloons/
%
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iic23/the_local_charity_realized_that_it_had_never/
%
I asked out a Russian girl.....

I asked out a Russian girl, not with anything very serious in mind. She said yes.
However, on our first date, she insisted that we went to see a Russian movie, and then eat at a Russian restaurant. She then took me to see her Russian family, and told me about how she was going to take me to see the rest of her family in Russia.
At this point, I had to stop her. "Please", I said, "just stop Russian things!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ii9u6/i_asked_out_a_russian_girl/
%
What do you call two people who share an amazon account?

Primates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ii8yi/what_do_you_call_two_people_who_share_an_amazon/
%
President Trump goes to get a brain MRI

Trump: So, doc, what's wrong?
Doc: Well, on your right there's nothing left. And on your left there's nothing right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ii8dj/president_trump_goes_to_get_a_brain_mri/
%
A dog is licking his private parts

Two men are watching a dog lick his private parts.
First guy says, "I wish I could do that."
Second guy says, "You should probably pet him first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ii6xi/a_dog_is_licking_his_private_parts/
%
I was on a date with a girl that works at Epic Games...

She was unreal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ii51u/i_was_on_a_date_with_a_girl_that_works_at_epic/
%
One morning, a little girl goes into the living room and asks her mother...

"Why did you name me Rose, mom?"
Mom says, "As we we leaving the hospital after you were born, a rose petal fell on your head. So we named you Rose."
The daughter says, "Is that why my little brother is named Leaf and little sister is named Rain?"
"Yes," Mom says. "Exactly."
A fourth child pipes up from beside them. "DARGLE BUBPHHH BIBI MMMMOOMOOO!"
"Quiet, Brick!" Mom says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ii51m/one_morning_a_little_girl_goes_into_the_living/
%
Genie: You Have 3 Wishes

Me: I have seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I am so sure it won't I will give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a…….

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ii2sw/genie_you_have_3_wishes/
%
The Secret Service

just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger. Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ii24v/the_secret_service/
%
An obese woman goes the the doctor.

The doctor attempts to suggest diet and exercise. The woman responds, "Doctor, you don't understand. My mother is obese, my sister is obese, my brother is obese, my cousins are obese. Obesity runs in my family." The doctor thinks for a second and responds, "It sounds like no one runs in your family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ii1dc/an_obese_woman_goes_the_the_doctor/
%
I have an idea for a movie about undead tank operators

I call it GHOST DIVISION

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ihoi1/i_have_an_idea_for_a_movie_about_undead_tank/
%
Puzzled Girlfriend

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea. Then he says with a deep sigh, 'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ihoe3/puzzled_girlfriend/
%
I don't enjoy having a stalker, but I will say . . .

No matter what, he always seems to be there for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ihng3/i_dont_enjoy_having_a_stalker_but_i_will_say/
%
What do you call a fish tripping on acid?

A *pHish!*
*;)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ihk3c/what_do_you_call_a_fish_tripping_on_acid/
%
A wise man once said

"Man who run in front of car get tired
Man who run behind car get exhausted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ih9ro/a_wise_man_once_said/
%
A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy!  whats that?"
Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.
Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"
Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"
kid says "oh, mommy says that's nothing"
The dad replies "Yeah, i spoil that woman"
*Shamelessly stolen from the askreddit thread*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ih92r/a_boy_sees_an_elephants_penis_at_the_zoo/
%
Heterosexual intercourse is a woman trying to orgasm while the man is trying to not.

and I'm trying to stay quiet in the closet and not drop the camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ih6rq/heterosexual_intercourse_is_a_woman_trying_to/
%
A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods...

The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit said No... So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ih6q1/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_were_taking_a_shit_in_the/
%
My doctor told me that if I didn't change my ways, I'd be blind forever.

It was a really eye-opening moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ih5m7/my_doctor_told_me_that_if_i_didnt_change_my_ways/
%
3 pregnant women in a lobby

Three pregnant women in a lobby are knitting. The first one stops and takes a pill.  "It's iron" she says "I want my baby to have strong muscles"
They continue knitting except for woman number 3 who is looking confusedly at her knitting.
The second woman stops to take a pill. "It's calcium. I want my baby to have strong bones."
They continue knitting except for the third woman who starts taking fistfuls of pills. The first two women stop and wait for her explanation.
"Oh it's just thalidomide...I don't know how to knit sleeves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ih5fa/3_pregnant_women_in_a_lobby/
%
What ended the Great Depression?

The Great Suicide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ih2a6/what_ended_the_great_depression/
%
I creating a new extreme outdoor/camping company

It's going to be Intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ih26h/i_creating_a_new_extreme_outdoorcamping_company/
%
Did you hear about the guy whose vocal cords were damaged in an accident, so they had to do a transplant from a puppy?

He's doing okay but his voice is a little husky now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8igzql/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whose_vocal_cords_were/
%
The Cunnilingus Frog.

A woman went into a pet shop and was browsing, looking at the various animals, when she came to a tank with a large frog in it, and the sign 'Cunnilingus Frog'.
She waved to the shopkeeper to come over, and asked him why it was called that.
"I'll show you" he said, and produced a jar containing flies  which he held in the tank. The frog's long tongue began flicking out and snatching the flies.
After watching this, the woman said "I'll have him", and went away with the frog.
When she reached home, she lay down on the bed and put the frog between her legs...but nothing happened.
Incensed, she phoned the pet shop and complained. The shopkeeper expressed great concern and said "I'll be right over."
He picked up the frog, which was still sitting on the bed, and spoke to it sternly, "This is the LAST time I'm going to show you how."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8igzc7/the_cunnilingus_frog/
%
My girlfriend asked me what the difference between a moon-roof and a sun-roof is.

I told her it's night and day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8igxj1/my_girlfriend_asked_me_what_the_difference/
%
Masturbating

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8igtmq/masturbating/
%
Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."
The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."
So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise.
The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy  gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise."
So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"
The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ignve/two_guys_are_walking_through_the_woods_one_day/
%
What did the racist do on the treadmill?

3K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8igj3z/what_did_the_racist_do_on_the_treadmill/
%
A confused Chinese student asks his master, "Master Shi, why do all Chinese look the same?"

Then the master replied, "I am not master Shi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8igib2/a_confused_chinese_student_asks_his_master_master/
%
Kisses beat snores...every time

Three guys were at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night, John slept in Steven’s room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The rest of the guys said, “Man, what happened to you?”
He said, “Steve snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night”.
The next night it was Gary’s turn. In the morning, same thing —hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. Once again they asked, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful”
He said, “Man, that Steve shakes the roof.I couldn’t sleep a wink. I just watched him all night.”
The third night was Herb’s turn. Herb was a big burly guy, who loved to fish and hunt — a man’s man.
The next morning he came to breakfast, bright eyes and bushy tailed. “Good morning!” He said.
The guys couldn’t believe it!! They said, “Man,what happened?”
He said, “Well,we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and KISSED him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ighh7/kisses_beat_snoresevery_time/
%
Little green man

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man
is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says,
"Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and runs back to
the Irishman.  The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?" The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."
"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry again, "SPLBLBLBLBT!" This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll Chop his willie right off, I will!" he shouts.
"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't
have willies."  "How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman. "They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iggtn/little_green_man/
%
The moral of the story...

The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about
my Mom.She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was
a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
.
Pin drop silence in the class !!
.
''Good Heavens,' said
the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ?
"Stay away from Mommy when
she's drunk......!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ig7pm/the_moral_of_the_story/
%
His and her diaries

Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment about it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked
him if it was my fault he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that
it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way
home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior, I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
disaster.
His Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ig43i/his_and_her_diaries/
%
Q: Why aren't there any Wal Marts in Afghanistan?

A: Because there is a Target on every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ig1ys/q_why_arent_there_any_wal_marts_in_afghanistan/
%
What does a clock do when it is hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ig1ar/what_does_a_clock_do_when_it_is_hungry/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Good food, but lacks atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ig106/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
Do you know what's great about Italian politicians?

They always put actions behind their words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ig0e8/do_you_know_whats_great_about_italian_politicians/
%
A man walks into a library...

“Do you have that new book about making love with a small penis?”
“I’m not sure if it’s in yet...”
“Yeah, that’s the one”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ifxtm/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
%
Why did the man rip the skin off a banana then wrap it around his dick and use it as a pocket pussy?

Because it had sex-a-peel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ifrq7/why_did_the_man_rip_the_skin_off_a_banana_then/
%
Why do koi always swim in groups of 4?

So that while the A koi, B koi and C koi escape the predator will always go for the D koi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ifqzx/why_do_koi_always_swim_in_groups_of_4/
%
What do you call a book club full of sheep and wine?

The Church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ifpa4/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_full_of_sheep_and/
%
Teach a Nigerian to fish...

...and he’ll be full for a day.
Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince and start emailing people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ifom8/teach_a_nigerian_to_fish/
%
Oprah Winfrey goes to therapy

Oprah was suffering from quite a bit of stress so she decided it would be best to see a therapist. After multiple visits, she felt like the treatment wasn’t working as well as she hoped. So during the next appointment, she told her therapist “How about instead of talking, we just have sex? I think that will help me the most.”
Shocked, but still wanting to help, her therapist agrees. They have sex and Oprah is thrilled with how it went. Afterwards, she asks the therapist to do it again. He replies by saying “Okay, we can do it again. But I’m going to take a 20 minute nap and while I sleep, I need you to hold my balls with your left hand and and my wiener with your right hand”
This request really confuses Oprah, but she complies and wakes him up after 20 minutes. They do it again and Oprah is even more happy than the last time. She begs for 1 more time and he says “Okay, we can do it again. But I’m going to take a 20 minute nap and while I sleep, I need you to hold my balls with your left hand and and my wiener with your right hand”
Confused, Oprah asks the therapist “Why?”. He replies, “Last time I slept with a black girl she stole my wallet”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ifepm/oprah_winfrey_goes_to_therapy/
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My girlfriend is mad about the fact that I have a bad sense of direction

So I got up and right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ifdjy/my_girlfriend_is_mad_about_the_fact_that_i_have_a/
%
What did the Redditor do with his neighboor's broken fence?

He reposted it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ifd72/what_did_the_redditor_do_with_his_neighboors/
%
A woman came home and told her husband

, “Honey, you know that headache that’s been bothering me all these years? I’m finally cured!”
“Cured?” the man asked, “How did that happen?”
“My friend Johanna recommended that I go see a hypnotist. The hypnotist told me to stand in front of a mirror and repeat ‘I don’t have a headache, I don’t have a headache, I don’t have a headache.’”
The woman continued with a broad smile, “I was skeptical at first, but I tried it out, and it worked! No more headache!”
“That’s amazing!” the man replied.
The woman squirmed a bit, and then hesitantly said, “Honey, for the last few years, you haven’t exactly been a Tarzan in bed. How about you go to the hypnotist too, maybe he can help you out?”
The man thought about it for a while, and then decided that it couldn’t hurt to try.
After his visit to the hypnotist, the man returned home with new confidence. He lifted his wife up, carried her to the bedroom, undressed her and said:
“Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
The man walked briskly to the bathroom. After a short while, he came back to bed and made passionate love to her like never before.
The wife said breathlessly, “Oh my, now that’s what I’m talking about.”
After they were done, the man once again said, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He went to the bathroom, and after a short while he came back and they made love even more passionately than before.
“Oh my, that was wonderful” the woman said.
The secret is revealed
The man got up again, and said, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” And for a third time, he went to the bathroom.
This time, the woman couldn’t resist the temptation. She sneaked out of the bed and followed her husband. There she saw him standing in front of the mirror, repeating:
“She’s not my wife, she’s not my wife, she’s not my wife.”
The man’s funeral will take place next Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ifcut/a_woman_came_home_and_told_her_husband/
%
A guy was on his deathbed...

..and telling his 3 sons that they'd disappointed him and how
"You, first son - so obsessed by money, you married a woman called Penny"
"Second son - fat, obsessed with sweets, you married a girl called Kandi, dear god, what have I raised"
The third son stood up and said "Come on Fanny we have better things to do than be insulted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ifawz/a_guy_was_on_his_deathbed/
%
Woman goes to the doctors..

Woman goes to the doctors and says that her boyfriend told her that anal sex was a great way to cure haemorrhoids. &nbsp;
Doctors says “Your boyfriend is an idiot, anal sex is terrible for haemorrhoids!!!” &nbsp;
Woman goes “Yeah no shit, my ass hurts like hell and he still has haemorrhoids”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8if9m3/woman_goes_to_the_doctors/
%
We should line up all the parents who do not vaccinate their children...

and push them off the edge of the earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8if9lj/we_should_line_up_all_the_parents_who_do_not/
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When I was walking home

, I saw a child riding a bike. It looked remarkably like mine, so I hurried home to make sure. When I got there, I saw it was still chained up in my garage asking for food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8if6wl/when_i_was_walking_home/
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Two kangaroos are in the bathtub. cuz why not

One kangaroo says, "Pass the soap."
The other kangaroo says, "No soap...radio!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8if5em/two_kangaroos_are_in_the_bathtub_cuz_why_not/
%
A farmer was walking into town to do some errands

He picked up the pail he'd left at the blacksmith for repairs, a brick he needed to repair a wall, and two chickens and a duck he'd ordered to increase his stock. Carrying all this, as he was walking home, he encountered the schoolmistress, a thin, plain middle-aged lady. "Sir," she said. "I need to go to 23 Elm street. Could you tell me the way? "
"Sure," said the farmer.  "Actually, I'll be walking right by 23 Elm. I can just walk you there. "
As they went along, the farmer started to take his usual shortcut down a narrow, somewhat darkened alley. The schoolmistress halted in alarm. "Are we going to go down there!" She exclaimed.
"Why not?" Asked the farmer, puzzled and irritated.
"It's so dark and deserted!" The schoolmistress said. "You might be planning to push me up against the wall, yank up my skirt and ravish me!"
" Lady, " the farmer said, annoyed. "I'm carrying a bucket, a brick, two chickens and a duck. How exactly am i supposed to ravish you? "
The schoolmistress replied, "You put the duck down under the bucket, put the brick on top, and I hold a chicken under each arm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8if47c/a_farmer_was_walking_into_town_to_do_some_errands/
%
I met the love of my life

She didn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8if3w1/i_met_the_love_of_my_life/
%
You know whats the difference between a pimple and a pastor?

The pimple doesnt come on your face before youre 13.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8if1do/you_know_whats_the_difference_between_a_pimple/
%
I just got a new dry erase board

it's remarkable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iezmy/i_just_got_a_new_dry_erase_board/
%
It’s amusing how Americans love Cardi-B

..but hate Cardi-o

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iexwd/its_amusing_how_americans_love_cardib/
%
I broke my tailbone the other day...

It was a real pain in the ass to fix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ieuf5/i_broke_my_tailbone_the_other_day/
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What do you call an alligator who can’t get up?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ietpb/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_who_cant_get_up/
%
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ieqah/how_are_fat_girls_and_mopeds_alike/
%
I took a programming class in high school

I got a C++

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iepr1/i_took_a_programming_class_in_high_school/
%
A group of miners finished working and went to a bar

but the bartender wouldn't serve them. Ha! Ha! You get it? "Miners!" Haw! Haw!....ah, never mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iepiw/a_group_of_miners_finished_working_and_went_to_a/
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Touched by Jesus

Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iep3d/touched_by_jesus/
%
The missile attack was a home run.

It covered all the bases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ienzs/the_missile_attack_was_a_home_run/
%
10 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me

She said no both times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iemwk/10_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_out_on/
%
Kamikaze

It's a dying art

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iemtk/kamikaze/
%
A koala walks into a restaurant.

He says, "I'll have the minestrone."
The waitress brings it, the koala eats it quickly, then orders a bowl of chili.
The waitress brings it, the koala eats it quickly, then orders a bowl of lobster bisque.
The waitress brings it, the koala eats it quickly, then orders a bowl of gazpacho.
After a while the waitress says, "Wow, you must be hungry."
The koala answers, "No, I'm just a moresoupial."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iektb/a_koala_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ieijc/i_dropped_my_knife_and_cut_off_a_toe/
%
Why are French porn movies so short?

Because they can’t hold their position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iegj2/why_are_french_porn_movies_so_short/
%
"I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."
The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iecnb/i_would_like_to_make_a_will_but_i_dont_know/
%
What do you call a can of beans in retrospect

Heinz-sight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ieatd/what_do_you_call_a_can_of_beans_in_retrospect/
%
There’s a new way to measure time faster than the speed of light

It’s the time from a red stop light turns green and the BMW behind you honks his horn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iear0/theres_a_new_way_to_measure_time_faster_than_the/
%
New York police officers helped a black woman deliver a baby on the side of the road

Said one officer, “Come out with your hands up!”
- Seth Myers / Writers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ie9th/new_york_police_officers_helped_a_black_woman/
%
What sound does a rubber airplane make?

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ie5mg/what_sound_does_a_rubber_airplane_make/
%
I can put both of my legs behind my head.

Y'know, not to toot my own horn or anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ie5ik/i_can_put_both_of_my_legs_behind_my_head/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the prince's ball?

Gag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ie33f/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the/
%
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle...

... she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ie1l1/when_jane_first_met_tarzan_in_the_jungle/
%
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen, where a brother was frying chips. "Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied, "No. I'm the chip monk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ie0cz/a_hungry_traveler_stopped_at_a_monastery_and_was/
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If you're American when you are walking into the bathroom, and American when you're walking out of the bathroom, what are you when you're using the bathroom?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8idygy/if_youre_american_when_you_are_walking_into_the/
%
My girlfriend dressed up as a police officer and told me I was arrested for being good in bed

After a few minutes into the arrest, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8idwwu/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_police_officer_and/
%
Now that I'm an adult, there are things I can appreciate a whole lot more than when I was a child...

Things like wearing diapers and spankings...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8idulp/now_that_im_an_adult_there_are_things_i_can/
%
Why do you never trust overweight female drug dealers?

Because they always cell-u-lite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iduhf/why_do_you_never_trust_overweight_female_drug/
%
Jesus is hanging on the cross. Paul is nearby. Jesus calls to Paul

"Paul, come to me please." Paul rushes forward and is immediately beaten back by Roman soldiers. They beat him senseless and leave him in a heap on the side of the road.
Paul awakens to hear Jesus calling again, "Paul, come to me. I need you.". Paul rushes the soldiers and is badly beaten again, 2 broken ribs and 3 broken fingers this time. He is thrown in a heap on the side of the road.
A few minutes later Paul hears Jesus again. "Paul, please. I need to tell you...". Paul rushes forward and meets the soldiers again, he fights a savage fight and is beaten and bloody but this time makes it to the foot of the cross where Jesus is hanging.
"Jesus, I am here! What do you need to tell me?", Paul cries to his saviour. Jesus looks down upon him and says "I can totally see your house from here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8idpjh/jesus_is_hanging_on_the_cross_paul_is_nearby/
%
There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge.

One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you." And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8idoxp/there_were_two_sisters_one_called_petal_and_one/
%
My French friend doesn't believe Eggs are round.

He's a member of the flat Oeuf society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8idmtu/my_french_friend_doesnt_believe_eggs_are_round/
%
I think my wife might be dead...

...my sex life is the same but the dishes are piling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8idmdq/i_think_my_wife_might_be_dead/
%
What did the Transgender Brontosaurus that formerly ate meat say, when visiting his old place?

"I've been herbivore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iderx/what_did_the_transgender_brontosaurus_that/
%
How do you fix a doll with a broken face?

Plastic surgery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8idbr3/how_do_you_fix_a_doll_with_a_broken_face/
%
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8idbon/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
%
1978: Wales win Grand Slam, Liverpool win European Cup, pope dies.

1981: Prince Charles marries, Liverpool win European Cup, pope shot.
2005: Prince Charles marries, Liverpool reaches Champions League semis, pope dies.
2018: Prince Harry marries, Liverpool reaches Champions League final, it's probably time to warn the pope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8idbao/1978_wales_win_grand_slam_liverpool_win_european/
%
If I don’t perfect Human Cloning...

...I won’t be able to live with myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8idatt/if_i_dont_perfect_human_cloning/
%
What do you call a row of dolls burning on a grill?

Barbie Queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ida0r/what_do_you_call_a_row_of_dolls_burning_on_a_grill/
%
When I Was A Child I Wanted To Be The Savior Of The World. Then they told me that Jesus was the Son Of God

And I realized it's all who you know....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8id7w8/when_i_was_a_child_i_wanted_to_be_the_savior_of/
%
What do you call a scared philosopher?

Ari-startled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8id4hq/what_do_you_call_a_scared_philosopher/
%
Why did Jesus Christ have to stop playing hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8id26j/why_did_jesus_christ_have_to_stop_playing_hockey/
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A letter to Keyboard Manufacturers

Dear Keyboard Manufacturers,
I'm writing to request a redesign so that 'g' and 't' wouldn't be right next to each other.
Retards,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8id0py/a_letter_to_keyboard_manufacturers/
%
Where does the military send its under-qualified recruits?

Fort Nite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8icy4z/where_does_the_military_send_its_underqualified/
%
Two people are walking in the woods

Suddenly, they come across a set of tracks. One of them tells the other that they’re rabbit tracks. The other insists that they are fox tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8icxfr/two_people_are_walking_in_the_woods/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming and crying like the people in the car with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8icuas/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
The Duchess returned to the Manor one evening and encountered her butler in her boudoir

She looked the butler straight in the eye and said:
“James, take off my dress.”  James took off her dress.
“James, take off my petticoat.”  James took off her petticoat.
“James, take off my bra.”  James took off her bra.
“James, take off my panties.”  James took off her panties.  The Duchess turned, faced her butler again and in a soft but firm voice said:
“Now then, James, never let me catch you wearing my clothes again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ics81/the_duchess_returned_to_the_manor_one_evening_and/
%
A petite fortune teller excapes prison

**Breaking News**
Small Medium at Large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8icomc/a_petite_fortune_teller_excapes_prison/
%
A Son comes home from school ...

And tells his father :
"Dad, we are learning about our system in school, but I don't think I really got it, can you explain it to me?"
The father answers:
"Sure, imagine it like this: I bring home the money, so I'm the capital. Your mom spends the money, so she is the government. Granpa, is the unions, because he checks if everything is going the right way. Anna, the girl that lives with us and cleans the house is the working class. And we are all doing it for you. You are the citizens. And your baby brother is the future."
The son is a bit sceptical and says:
"I think I will have to sleep a night over it."
In the middle of the night the boy is woken up by the crying of his little brother who has shit his diapers, so he goes to the parents room. There he only finds his mother and she sleeps so tight that he can't wake her up.
So he goes to Anna's room where the father is having sex with the girl and the grandfather is watching through the window.
He decides to go back to sleep.
The next morning at the breakfast table the father asks the son:
"Have you understood what I told you?"
"I think so" the son said "The capital screws the working class, the unions are watching, the government sleeps, the citizens are ignored and the future is lying in shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iclis/a_son_comes_home_from_school/
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Since this year they launched the iPhone 8/X

We'll probably get to see 9/11 next year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8icio0/since_this_year_they_launched_the_iphone_8x/
%
A man walks in a bar...

A man walks in a bar, and sees a jar of money on top of the bar. He asked the bartender "What's that money for?". The bartender tell him "that's the pot". The bartender pours the man a drink and begins to tell him about the jar. The bartender says "You put $20 in the jar and you have a chance to win everything by completing three tasks". The bartender then continues "First you have to knock out our bouncer, Leon. Next you have to go outside and visit our guard dog. It's a mean pitbull with a bad tooth, you have to pull it." The bartender says "Finally, we have an old lady upstairs. You have to give her an orgasm." The man says "Hell no!" and continues to drink. After about two hours of drinking the man reaches into pocket and grabs $20 and puts it in the jar. He walks up to Leon and says "You must be Leon." He reaches to shake hands, but then catches Leon off guard and instead punches him in the jaw knocking him out." At this point the bar gets quiet because no one has ever knocked out Leon. Without saying a word the man points at the back door and the bartender nods. The mans walks out the back door, and you hear the pitbull growling and barking, and then it goes into a soft whimper. The man walks back in the bar and says "So....where's this old woman with the bad tooth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8icayi/a_man_walks_in_a_bar/
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[Long] Once there was a guy who was suffering from a severe headache.

It went on for a month before he finally decided to visit a doctor. After completing the diagnosis, the doctor said, "You will have to lose a testicle". He was aghast when he heard the news. He pondered for few days —asked a few friends— and finally decided to operate it out. His headache receded for a week but then it started coming back again. In pain, he went to the doctor once more. This time, his doctor without much of an inspection, said that he would have to lose another one as well. For the sake of his life, he decided to cut it off too. Few months went by without any headaches and life became normal.
One day he went shopping. The shop owner was a real expert with sizes: could tell anyones clothes' size. The man asked to pack a 42 size shirt but the owner insisted on 38 and to his surprise it fit him exactly. He then went to buy pants on which owner fixed the size that fit him perfectly. On he went to the underwear section and asked the owner to pack him one of 28 size but the owner insisted on 34. The guy exclaimed that he had been wearing size 28 since forever. The owner argued that 34 was what he wanted. The man now frustrated, argued that he had been wearing a 28 all this time and that he was not going to change it over some random person's intuition. The owner, who was tired of explaining, finally said "But if you were to wear a size 28 underpants long enough, your balls would get squeezed to death and cause you an unbearable headache!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8icavf/long_once_there_was_a_guy_who_was_suffering_from/
%
Father O'Malley received a call from the IRS.

They asked for his assistance. He said he’d be happy to oblige.
“Thank you, Father. Do you happen to know a Ted Houlihan?”
“I do.”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“He is.”
“Tell me, did Mr. Houlihan really donate $10,000 to the church?”
“He will.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ic6h3/father_omalley_received_a_call_from_the_irs/
%
What's the difference between Mike Tyson and DJ Kahled?

Tyson went down eventually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ic5st/whats_the_difference_between_mike_tyson_and_dj/
%
A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

A  man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew. After  spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a  hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The  man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very  day.
Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m  sorry, but I just can’t hold back anymore. How did you get your peg  leg?”
The captain says “arr, ‘twas me first day at see as a young lad. A  great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me  crew could pull me out, a giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off me  leg.”
The man goes “That sounds terrible! What happened to your hand?”
The captain says “arr, ‘twas me second day at sea. Another great big  swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could  pull me up, the giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off my hand.”
The man tells the captain it sounds like the fish has it out for him, and asks what happens to his eye.
The Captain says “arr, ‘twas me third day at see. I was looking up at the sky when a bird came and shat in me eye”
The man says “and that’s how you lost your eye?”
The captain responds “no, but twas me first day with the hook”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ic170/a_man_decides_to_quit_his_job_and_run_away_to/
%
I was always paranoid and afraid that everyone would sexually assult me, so I went to see a therapist. And my fear came true.

Apparently I didn't see the space in between "therapist".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iby6c/i_was_always_paranoid_and_afraid_that_everyone/
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Well Mannered Husband

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." Replied the husband. " But I don't know her well enough ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ibtb6/well_mannered_husband/
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A man always works 3rd shift in construction

. He comes home around 3AM, climbs 3 floors to his apartment and gets in, tired from work. Due to habit he slams his left boot, then his right to get the mud and dust off. Then he carefully removes the boots, changes and falls asleep tired. Unfortunately the neighbors all hear the boot noise, and one of them asked the man to no longer do it.
The next day he comes home around 3AM, climbs 3 floors to his apartment and gets in, tired from work. Due to habit he slams his left boot, then remembered about the noise and carefully removes the right one. He then changes and falls asleep tired.
In the afternoon he meets the neighbor again, and noticed he has puffy eyes. The neighbor, very frustrated said: "we were all waiting for you to slam the other boot so we can go back to sleep!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ibqp4/a_man_always_works_3rd_shift_in_construction/
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A man and his wife are running out of money

. Now out of options, the wife decides to take up prostitution to get some money.
The husband takes her to the corner of the street, and later comes  back that night, picking up his wife. He turns to her and asks "how much  did you make", she replies "$200.05"
The husband double takes and says "who's the asshole who paid you 5 cents?" and the wife says "all of them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ibpt1/a_man_and_his_wife_are_running_out_of_money/
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TIL Your nose can't be more than 30cm long

Otherwise it would be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iboa1/til_your_nose_cant_be_more_than_30cm_long/
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The Earth may be flat

But Uranus is round

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ibndj/the_earth_may_be_flat/
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If you dont like someone, walk in their shoes for a mile.

If you still don't like that person, at least you have their shoes a mile away from where they are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ibc10/if_you_dont_like_someone_walk_in_their_shoes_for/
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Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ibawj/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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4 friends decide to emigrate from China to the United States

Their names are Chu, Tu, Bu, and Fu.
They have a discussion and decide that it may be a good idea to change their names to sound more western, so they improvise on their names.
Chu changes his name to Chuck,
Tu changes his name to Tuck,
Bu changes his name to Buck,
And Fu decides to go back to China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ibajw/4_friends_decide_to_emigrate_from_china_to_the/
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What do you call a witty comeback you see on r/jokes?

A riposte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ib7ty/what_do_you_call_a_witty_comeback_you_see_on/
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Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group.

I've never seen Han so low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ib778/harrison_ford_just_turned_up_at_my_aa_group/
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What do you call it when a robot has a one night stand?

Nut and bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ib6d8/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_robot_has_a_one_night/
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What do you call a midget fortune teller that kills his customers

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ib425/what_do_you_call_a_midget_fortune_teller_that/
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When did the Japanese learn to eat egg?

A long tamago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ib2b2/when_did_the_japanese_learn_to_eat_egg/
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An Auditor was found sleeping with his client

He was guilty of inside her trading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iazfl/an_auditor_was_found_sleeping_with_his_client/
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Two guys go into a diner...

The waitress comes up and says, "What'll ya have."
The first man says, I'll have a hamburger.
The waitress lifts one arm, pulls a patty out of her armpit, lifts the arm and pulls a bun out of the other armpit.
She turns to the second guy, "What'll you have?"
The second guy says, "I was thinking of having a hot dog but I've changed my mind."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iazdl/two_guys_go_into_a_diner/
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An art student is visiting the National Gallery in Wales.

About halfway around, they spot a large painting of three black men sitting on a bench, all three buck naked. Even more strangely, the one in the middle has an entirely pink penis.
A curator sees the art student observing the painting and approaches.
“Fascinating, isn’t it?” He says. “I can tell you about it. It’s a commentary on historical racial tensions, particularly in Western nations, and the emasculation many ethnic minorities suffered at the hands of Westerners.”
“Fascinating,” the art student murmurs as the curator walks away.
Soon after, a scruffy Welshman walks over to the art student. “Oy, I’ll tell you what that painting really represents, I will.”
The art student raises an eyebrow. “And why would you know more about it than the curator?”
The Welshman chuckles. “Because I bloody painted it! It’s not nearly as complicated as all that. Them three are coal miners, up in the valleys, and the one in the middle went home for his lunch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iayab/an_art_student_is_visiting_the_national_gallery/
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What’s a hookers favorite drink?

7 Up in cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iaxb6/whats_a_hookers_favorite_drink/
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The question of Monica Lewinsky:

Did she blow a sitting U.S. president or blow him while standing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iatn6/the_question_of_monica_lewinsky/
%
[NSFW] Three sailors are on shore leave...

... and after a night of drinking are pretty wound up.
However before long they get word of a prostitute that gives legendary blow jobs and will also sing.
It doesn’t take long for them to find her and through a slit in the door she tells them,
“Only one man at a time and it must remain dark.”
So the first sailor goes in, come out 10 minutes late and goes, “Dude that was the best head I’ve had in my life!”
Second one goes in, comes out 10 minutes late and replies, “She has the voice of an angel!”
However the third one gets skeptical and asks if she sings while giving head, to which the other two men reply that she does.
So he devises a plan and goes in.
It’s dark and the prostitute undresses him, starts to perform and begins to sing.
The third sailor calls in his buddies who burst in, turn on the lights and discover that the prostitute has only one eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iaqbf/nsfw_three_sailors_are_on_shore_leave/
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Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today. Sprayed it all over myself.

I still can't fucking fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iamza/bought_a_can_of_fly_spray_from_the_supermarket/
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You’re gonna die

I don’t usually remember what my dreams are about unless they're especially portentous. That means when you dream about something that's gonna happen.
Like one night, I had a dream where this crow came and said, “Your aunt is gonna die.” I was so scared I woke up my parents but they said it was just a dream, and to get back to bed. But the next morning, my aunt Stacy was dead.
I know you must think that’s terrible!
Terrible for her, but think about me, a young boy with that kind of power. Wasn't three weeks later that the crow came back to me in a dream and said, "Your daddy's gonna die." I didn't know what to do. I finally told my father. But he said, oh, not to worry, but I could see he was rattled. The next morning, he wasn't himself, kept looking around, waiting for something to drop on his head. Because the crow didn’t say how it was gonna happen, just those words: your daddy's gonna die. Well, he left home early and was gone for a long time. When he finally came back, he looked terrible, like he was waiting for the axe to fall all day. He said to my mother, "I've just had the worst day of my life." “You think you've had a bad day,” she said. “This morning the milkman dropped dead on the porch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ialtb/youre_gonna_die/
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So my science teacher began her astronomy unit with star formation

She gave a stellar explanation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iacr5/so_my_science_teacher_began_her_astronomy_unit/
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What do a lesbian and vegan have in common?

They don't eat meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8iacd7/what_do_a_lesbian_and_vegan_have_in_common/
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Little Johnny

The teacher asks the class if anyone could use "definitely" correctly in a sentence.
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "The grass is definitely green."
The teacher replies "Well grass can be green, but can also be brown. Anyone else?"
Little Stephanie raises her hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies "Well the sky can be blue, but can also be gray. Anyone else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand again and asks "Are farts lumpy?"
The teacher replies "No Little Johnny, and that doesn't have the word "definitely" in it."
Little Johnny says, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ia455/little_johnny/
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I'm sure my wife won't like this.

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a
very beautiful woman driving who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “ Get in and I ’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse , " she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive .  Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and , after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging,
I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen.
"Stay for a while. She won't know anything.  By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the Harley”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ia32e/im_sure_my_wife_wont_like_this/
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If you show me your boobs, I'll show you my tattoos.

Tit for tat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ia2d7/if_you_show_me_your_boobs_ill_show_you_my_tattoos/
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I was talking to some friends about my fetish for anything statistics related...

and apparently it's not a standard deviation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ia20u/i_was_talking_to_some_friends_about_my_fetish_for/
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I just got married and I am scared of the statistics..

I'm not sure if I should be more worried about that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce or that 50-60% of all marriages last..
Jk honey, I love you. ^^^^^help

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ia1ku/i_just_got_married_and_i_am_scared_of_the/
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Blind Prostitutes...

You've just gotta hand it to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i9uxz/blind_prostitutes/
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I’m from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming

Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i9nq1/im_from_a_future_where_trump_won_reelection_and/
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I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i9lx1/im_american_and_im_sick_of_people_saying_america/
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The starship Enterprise is about to face annihilation from a superior ship, but Picard comes up with a cunning plan.

"We'll beam Lieutenant Worf on to their ship to offer our unconditional surrender", says Picard
"But Captain", interrupts Riker, "they might not take us seriously if you send Worf. It might be wise to send Commander Troi".
"Nonsense! Put him in a wooly sweater, a wooly hat and gloves, and they be completely smitten. Then when they are lulled into a false sense of security, Worf can unleash his suprise attack!"
"But captain, how can you be sure it'll work?"asks Riker
"It's a classic strategy number 1, Worf in sheep's clothing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i9leo/the_starship_enterprise_is_about_to_face/
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Two guys are walking down the street..

When they come across a dog licking it's balls.
1st guy:  I wish I could do that
2nd guy:  Shouldn't you pet it first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i9ghz/two_guys_are_walking_down_the_street/
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Steve Irwin died as he lived...

With animals in his heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i9ez9/steve_irwin_died_as_he_lived/
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Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.
Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the ball onto the green, and putts for par.
The old man is up. He drives the ball and it's heading for the water trap. Before the ball lands in the water, a fish jumps out and catches the ball in its mouth. Before the fish lands back in the water, a bird swoops down, snags the fish, and begins to fly away. As it's circling over the green, a bolt of lighting strikes the bird, causing it to drop the fish onto the green. The ball pops out of the fish's mouth, and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we're not gonna bring you next time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i9ex6/jesus_moses_and_an_old_man_are_playing_golf_they/
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Did you hear about the train driver who went on a murder spree?

Yeah, he had locomotives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i9d08/did_you_hear_about_the_train_driver_who_went_on_a/
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Wanna know what granny pussy taste like?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i9cgh/wanna_know_what_granny_pussy_taste_like/
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What do you call a water barrier constructed for rodents in the capital of the Netherlands?

An Amsterdam Hamster Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i9b5k/what_do_you_call_a_water_barrier_constructed_for/
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I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.

Boy, did I have a smug look later when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive-thru!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i9a5u/i_remember_my_teacher_telling_me_that_looking_out/
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A drunk staggered down to a hotel reception

He was demanding a change of room. He was so insistent that the receptionist was forced to call the manager.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the manager
"I want another room" said the drunk
"But I see you're in room 224. That's one of the best rooms in the hotel."
"I don't care. I want another room"
"Very well, sir. If you're absolutely adamant, we can move you from 224 to 260. But would you mind telling me what you don't like about your room?"
"Well" said the drunk, "for one thing, it's on fire"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i99ph/a_drunk_staggered_down_to_a_hotel_reception/
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Three guys sit at a bar, and tell each other the same jokes again, and again on repeat.

One of them gets the idea to start numbering the jokes, so they don't have to repeat the entire joke, so for example, someone would say "number 6" and they would laugh at that joke. Then one of the guys says "number 11" and they all start laughing again. Shortly after, one of the men says "number 23", where they all laughed again, one longer than the 2 others. A minute or so after the first 2 stopped laughing, while the last man still laughs hysterically, one of the other asks, "why are you still laughing?", to which he replied "I hadn't heard that one before".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i95fr/three_guys_sit_at_a_bar_and_tell_each_other_the/
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Ugh... Why isn't it working...

Damn it, it isn't letting me paste for some reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i93zs/ugh_why_isnt_it_working/
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Why couldn't the incel start a fire?

Just like always, had tinder but no matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i91kt/why_couldnt_the_incel_start_a_fire/
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Did you hear about the New Mexican woman who stuck a banana up her nose?

Yeah, you've got to admit it, Alba's quirky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i917z/did_you_hear_about_the_new_mexican_woman_who/
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I am transfinancial

I am a rich guy trapped in the body of a poor guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i8vz3/i_am_transfinancial/
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I was involved in a car accident today

Got away with a broken arm, no idea who it belonged to but now it's mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i8uew/i_was_involved_in_a_car_accident_today/
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Why are women more qualified than men to be in space?

They were born to handle a vacuum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i8tfd/why_are_women_more_qualified_than_men_to_be_in/
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What a night!!

I was at a local bar when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it.  I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said, “who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i8sv4/what_a_night/
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Why do programmers celebrate Halloween and Christmas on the same day?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i8m2y/why_do_programmers_celebrate_halloween_and/
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What did the gay necrophiliac say about his ex-boyfriend?

"Ugh, that rotten asshole split on me again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i8kv4/what_did_the_gay_necrophiliac_say_about_his/
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Why dont hillbillies do reverse cowgirl?

Because they don't turn their back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i8f9z/why_dont_hillbillies_do_reverse_cowgirl/
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Radar gun

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.
Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"
I simply replied, " You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i8f1i/radar_gun/
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Trust no one. Not even your own shadow.

Mine’s been acting shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i8d8o/trust_no_one_not_even_your_own_shadow/
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Horse...

A man walks into a bar to find a horse serving the drinks. The horse says:
"What's your problem, you never seen a horse tending a bar before?
the man says:
"Its not that, I just never thought the parrot would sell the place!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i8ctu/horse/
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Trump should build his wall out of Fortnite...

Nobody seems to be able to get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i8a5p/trump_should_build_his_wall_out_of_fortnite/
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A son asked his mother the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i87yl/a_son_asked_his_mother_the_following_question_mom/
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What did the gambling addicts name their daughter?

Betty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i87m9/what_did_the_gambling_addicts_name_their_daughter/
%
What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i83sy/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
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Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner?

His wife gave him the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i83nb/did_you_hear_about_the_cannibal_who_came_home/
%
Why did the console player cross the road?

So the buildings on the other side could render

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7ywu/why_did_the_console_player_cross_the_road/
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Three guys walk into a bar..

The fourth one ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7xvi/three_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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My brother can no longer return to his school, especially after what he just did...

He graduated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7xfq/my_brother_can_no_longer_return_to_his_school/
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Fifty bucks is fifty bucks

Buddy and his wife, Edna, went to the state fair every year, and every year, Edna would say :
“Buddy, I’d like to ride in that helicopter”
Buddy always replied, “I know Honey, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair and Edna said ,”Buddy, I’m 85 years old and . If I don’t ride that helicopter , I might never get another chance”.
To this, Buddy replied, “Edna, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said :
“Folks,I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars”
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed,the pilot turned to Edna and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed.”
Edna replied : “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Buddy fell out , but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7vfs/fifty_bucks_is_fifty_bucks/
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Whales have pretty sexual names, Sperm whale, humpback whale...

Your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7szt/whales_have_pretty_sexual_names_sperm_whale/
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The Infinity Gauntlet was for the left hand

Even Thanos had priorities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7ruf/the_infinity_gauntlet_was_for_the_left_hand/
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Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit.

A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7owk/late_one_night_a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
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Two American tourists were backpacking in Europe

..when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest diner?”
The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”
The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists.
Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily.
The first American asked his partner:” Maybe we should learn a second language.”  His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7l9l/two_american_tourists_were_backpacking_in_europe/
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What noise does a sports car from Pittsburgh make?

YIIIIIIINNNNNNSSS
YIIIIIIINNNNNNSSS
YIIIIIIINNNNNNSSS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7kyb/what_noise_does_a_sports_car_from_pittsburgh_make/
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Why does the redneck not have a girlfriend?

He is an only child

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7gjk/why_does_the_redneck_not_have_a_girlfriend/
%
A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks.

She asks angel: What are these for?
Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.
The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...
Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing that she never told lie.
The woman asks: Where are the clocks of our Married men?
The angel replies: Those are in our office, We use them as 'OFFICE FANS'
She then asked, what of the Married women?
The angel replied, 'those are out there generating electricity!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7egi/a_woman_dies_in_heaven_she_sees_a_large_wall_full/
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Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate marshmallows before they were cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7e0p/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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Did you hear about the first reich?

Or the second reich?
The third reich?
The fifth reich?
The eight reich?
Maybe the thirteenth reich?
Perhaps the twenty first reich?
Huh. You must have never met a fibbonazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7cn4/did_you_hear_about_the_first_reich/
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If I had a dollar for every time older people complained about millennials...

...I could fix the economy they broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7aa4/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_older_people/
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What did the father say when the doctor charged $100 for his son to be circumcised?

“What a rip-off!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i793e/what_did_the_father_say_when_the_doctor_charged/
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An English kid, a Spanish kid and a Chinese kid are in nursery school together...

The teacher asks:  What does the doggy say?
The English kid replies: Woof Woof!
The Spanish kid replies: Guau Guau!
The Chinese kid replies: Sizzle Sizzle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i7761/an_english_kid_a_spanish_kid_and_a_chinese_kid/
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Where do aliens go fishing?

In the galax-sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i75k2/where_do_aliens_go_fishing/
%
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i6yi3/my_wifes_star_sign_was_cancer_and_its_quite/
%
My love life

There. That’s the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i6ydx/my_love_life/
%
A pirate walks in to a bar...

And the bartender asks him;
-Excuse me sir, but is that a steering wheel in your pants?
-YAARRR, 'tis driving me nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i6y4k/a_pirate_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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Two Homosexual Men on a Long Overnight Flight

Two homosexual men are on a long overnight flight. The aircraft interior lights are off, most passengers seem to be asleep and the men begin whispering:
Man 1: "Hey babe, you thinking what I'm thinking:)?"
Man 2: "Are you nuts?! Right now in our seats?! People will hear us!"
Man 1: "Hmmm. Why don't I stand up and ask for a pen. If no one responds that means that everyone is dead asleep and we have nothing to worry about."
Man 1 (stands up): " ERH EHM, excuse me, does anyone have a pen I can borrow?"
***silence****
The men do the deed and several hours later the plane lands. As passengers are getting off, a flight attendant standing near the exit is telling them things like: "Have a safe trip!", and "Thank you for flying with us!" when a very pale and obviously injured man nears the attendant. He is bleeding from his ears and has vomited on his shirt.
Flight Attendant: "Sir are you alright!?!?!?? Why didn't you ask for help!?!?!?"
Man 3 (with a frustrated look): "Why didn't I ask for help?! Didn't you see what they did to that guy who asked for a stupid pen!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i6tkv/two_homosexual_men_on_a_long_overnight_flight/
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How did the date go between oxygen and potassium?

OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i6p8z/how_did_the_date_go_between_oxygen_and_potassium/
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What do you call a gay midget with erectile dysfunction?

A low hanging fruit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i6nx5/what_do_you_call_a_gay_midget_with_erectile/
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So a guy buys a TV on finance from a local shop...

However, he didn’t pay any money for it at all. Countless warnings were sent to him, telling him that he must pay for the TV in the instalments agreed to, or they would seize the TV.
The warnings came to no avail. The guy was called upon by the courts to explain why he had not responded to the payment requests.
The judge asked “How can you explain why you ignored these letters?”.
The man replied “Well, judge. The contract stated that I didn’t have to pay any interest at all for 6 months!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i6ikk/so_a_guy_buys_a_tv_on_finance_from_a_local_shop/
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Why don't Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?

April showers bring Mayflowers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i6h4x/why_dont_native_americans_like_to_do_rain_dances/
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A Blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another Blonde...

... in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the girl for a while.
When she could not stand it any more she called out to the Blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"
The Blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."
The Blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the Blonde in the field. "It is dumb Blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."
The Blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The Blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at Blonde in the field yelling, "If I could swim, I would come out there and beat you up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i6bru/a_blonde_was_driving_down_an_old_country_road/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i6bj2/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
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What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i6bfh/what_does_bill_say_to_hillary_after_sex/
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The bus driver goes for a confession.

Bus driver: Forgive me father for I have sinned! I pretended to be Sister Martha so I could trick somebody into having anal intercourse with me...
Father: The lord forgives you my son, for your asshole which was much tighter than Sister Martha’s!
**Guys, I’m trying for original content, please forgive me if not very funny! Also, my sense of humor is pretty disgusting ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i6b36/the_bus_driver_goes_for_a_confession/
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Why don't ISIS teach Sex Ed and Driver's Ed on the same day?

Too much work for the camel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i698b/why_dont_isis_teach_sex_ed_and_drivers_ed_on_the/
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Don't date a girl who just got hit in the eye with a softball.

She's a bad catch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i6608/dont_date_a_girl_who_just_got_hit_in_the_eye_with/
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A Fat man and his wife

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i641x/a_fat_man_and_his_wife/
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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'
I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.
The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.
I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, I went again for another fill-up. Again i asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave me the same story, and asked me to guess the correct number. I guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As i was driving away, I couldn’t shrug myself off from this nagging thought
‘Maybe that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
But I convinced myself..
‘It can’t be rigged.. My wife won twice last week !'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i6230/a_gas_station_owner_was_trying_to_increase_his/
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What is Thanos favourite app?

“Snap” chat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i615r/what_is_thanos_favourite_app/
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What do you call a floppy snake?

Reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i5zjr/what_do_you_call_a_floppy_snake/
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My favourite Math pun

There were once 3 kingdoms that bordered the same lake. In the middle of the lake there was an island, and the 3 kingdoms had been fighting over it for years. No one seemed to be able to keep the upper hand for very long and no one had been victorious. The wars over this little island were very costly, but all 3 kingdoms wanted it because of its great beauty and resources.
Finally, the monarchs agreed to a way to settle the matter permanently. Each would send their knights and squires to the island and they would
fight it out. Whoever’s knights and squires won the day would keep the island forever.
One kingdom sent many knights and each knight had a few squires. The night before the battle, the knights polished their armor while the squires readied the weapons. When the armor was finished, the knights sat around the fire drinking.
The second kingdom sent more knights than the first and each knight had several squires. The night before the battle, the knights drank around the fire while the squires scurried about polishing armor and readying weapons.
The third kingdom only sent one knight and he had only one squire. While the squire polished armor and readied the weapons, the knight hung a single pot from the tallest branch of the tree and tied a rope with a loop at the end from another branch. Then the knight sat by the fire and drank while the squire kept working.
The fateful day came and all the squires came out to the battlefield. (The knights had stayed up too long drinking.) The battle was fierce. In the
end, only the lone squire from the third kingdom was left standing. Proving once again, the age old theorem:
The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i5sr4/my_favourite_math_pun/
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Gimme chocolate!

Or I scream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i5nyp/gimme_chocolate/
%
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i5nlb/two_old_men_abe_and_sol_sit_on_a_park_bench/
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Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i5n9l/two_foreign_immigrants_have_just_arrived_in_the/
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A friend of mine had a pet boxer.

Unlike a dog, whenever the doorbell rang he walked over to the corner and sat down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i5l7g/a_friend_of_mine_had_a_pet_boxer/
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Net neutrality is overrated. I can still access all the sites.

Besides, most of them are the same anyway, always showing only 404 and the like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i5ini/net_neutrality_is_overrated_i_can_still_access/
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Donald Trump seems to be great at pulling out of deals.

Shame his dad didn’t have such a strong pull out game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i5icj/donald_trump_seems_to_be_great_at_pulling_out_of/
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A man went to see his doctor

because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i5ht7/a_man_went_to_see_his_doctor/
%
I work at Ben & Jerry's, often late at night, but never get robbed.

Because ice cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i5gg4/i_work_at_ben_jerrys_often_late_at_night_but/
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Calm down about the net neutrality thing...

Paying money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i5f1b/calm_down_about_the_net_neutrality_thing/
%
I'm obsessed with my F1 key.

I think I need help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i5esw/im_obsessed_with_my_f1_key/
%
I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i5brl/i_realised_at_the_last_minute_that_i_forgot_my/
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What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Pitbull coming from a childrens playground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i59eq/what_has_4_legs_and_1_arm/
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Just thought of this in the shower! (and added to it while on the toilet)

Paul hasn’t seen his cousins in a long time.  After receiving a random facebook invite to his youngest cousin’s 8th birthday part he takes some time off and catches a flight.
The party was all fun and games in the yard but it was warm out so he went inside to cool off with some good ole air conditioning.
There in the living room were two kids playing on a large sectional sofa.  Wanting to relax, Paul sat on the other end.  However the kids kept rough housing and moving closer and closer to him.
Not knowing if it was his frustration with the kids, the long flight or just something he ate, but Paul was feeling uncomfortable and hotter than ever.  Before he knew it the two kids jumped on him and said “Mister don’t get up;  The floor is covered in lava!”
Paul, now staring into the eyes of the children remembers the fun imaginary games he used to play with his cousins.  He tries to play on the couch for a few minutes but it was so hot he thought a dip in the pool might be better.
He stood up only to burst into flames and slowly crumble to the ground.
I guess in Hawaii the floor really is covered in lava.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i58nr/just_thought_of_this_in_the_shower_and_added_to/
%
A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i56hl/a_cop_just_stopped_me_for_jaywalking_and_then/
%
An old Italian man lived alone in the country

An  old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted  to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very  hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son,  Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man  wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant  my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a  garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you  would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at  the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't  find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i51vc/an_old_italian_man_lived_alone_in_the_country/
%
A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.

The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i50rp/a_younger_chimp_asks_one_of_his_elders_whats_a/
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Dracula checks into a hotel in New York City, calls rooms service and asks for an Italian busboy to bring him a pizza. The busboy arrives, Dracula bites him in the neck, sucks every last drop of blood out of him and throws him out of the window...

The corpse of the busboy hits a homeless guy, who is sleeping in the alley below.
When Dracula does this two more times, the man finally gets fed up, goes to the police and when they ask him what his complaint is, he screams, "Drained wops keep falling on my head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i4zq4/dracula_checks_into_a_hotel_in_new_york_city/
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day

Give a man a puffer fish and he will eat for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i4uzk/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
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Cheating girlfriend

I’m worried my girlfriend might be having a lesbian affair. They say you are what you eat and lately she’s been a massive c*nt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i4uaw/cheating_girlfriend/
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Tips fedora at mosquito...

*M’laria*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i4tji/tips_fedora_at_mosquito/
%
The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.
The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."
The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i4r2y/the_biggest_coward/
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Suicide.

I rang a suicide helpline last night, “buy a thicker rope” wasn’t what I was expecting to hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i4pts/suicide/
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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of  them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have  finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3  wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion  dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance  is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then  says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers  showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks  even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate  clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The  Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I  want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a  stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to  be good\-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."  POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts  flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate  counter\-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in  opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about  their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want  to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF,  his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him  any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29  forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly  and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's  now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie  wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate  ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have  been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and  multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the  richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the  sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."  Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a  fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered  for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your  wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms  around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i4orj/three_guys_are_walking_through_the_woods_when/
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Anyone a fan of Roman Numeral puns?

I, for one, am a huge fan of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i4nua/anyone_a_fan_of_roman_numeral_puns/
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Why do men usually die before their wives?

Because they want to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i4i4s/why_do_men_usually_die_before_their_wives/
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Didyou hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's okay. He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i4ec1/didyou_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
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What language is used by a deaf mathematician?

Sine language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i4e8s/what_language_is_used_by_a_deaf_mathematician/
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Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i40il/vaccinated_babies_are_10_times_more_likely_to_die/
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I’m a Latino nurse and while I was doing my rounds, one of the surgeons burst out of the operating room and told me to help finish the operation. I cut the patient’s organ on the wrong spot but luckily I miscalculated and saved their life. No one thought I could do it and I shocked them all.

Nobody expected the Spanish missed incision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i3yco/im_a_latino_nurse_and_while_i_was_doing_my_rounds/
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Why do tall people have no role models?

Because they have no one to look up to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i3vfh/why_do_tall_people_have_no_role_models/
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It’s a bit ironic.

Trump seems to be a champ at pulling out, but he still has 5 kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i3kz0/its_a_bit_ironic/
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Where do Europeans go for slurpies?

11/7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i3co1/where_do_europeans_go_for_slurpies/
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Next time you have to test a microphone:

"Bike, bike, bicycle. Ice, ice, icicle. Test, test, testing 1, 2, 3."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i3823/next_time_you_have_to_test_a_microphone/
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How does a Scotsman find his sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i35rz/how_does_a_scotsman_find_his_sheep_in_the_tall/
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Why do marketers in the human body employ meiosis over mitosis when making their advertisements

Because sex cells!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i34lx/why_do_marketers_in_the_human_body_employ_meiosis/
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Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

Because he didn't wear his seat belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i33ri/why_did_paul_walker_cross_the_road/
%
An Asian walks into a bar...

An Asian guy walks into a bar, and sits next to Jeff, and starts drinking his beer. Jeff asks him :
• My friend, do you know any martial arts, kung fu, karate or other stuff?
• Why do you ask, is it because i'm Chinese?
• No, it's because you are drinking my beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i337a/an_asian_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man walks up to the receptionist counter in a sperm bank...

The receptionist hands him a cup and directs him to room 1.
He says “Ok, let’s go.” She says, “Uh, you go by yourself.”
He says “But at the blood bank, the nurse always helps me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i32ip/a_man_walks_up_to_the_receptionist_counter_in_a/
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George arrived at work looking haggard and tired every day.

His buddy, Earl, asked him why, and he said, “I wake up like this! My wife and I start the day with the fight we were having the night before. It’s awful!”
Earl quietly nodded, and said, “I think I have just the thing for you.”
The next morning, Earl brought in a beautiful hand-carved wooden sign that read, “Never go to sleep angry.”
“I want you to put this sign up where you and your wife can read it. It’s helped me and wife through some pretty tough times.”
George grumbled under his breath, but took the sign begrudgingly from Earl with a ‘thank you’ that nobody heard.
After about a week later, George looked even worse, with bags under his eyes, and even what appeared to be new wrinkles.
Earl approached him and gently said, “George- you look terrible! Did you put up the sign?
George turned on him, looking like an angry turtle without a shell and snarled, “Yeah, and it’s because of your sign I haven’t slept all fucking week!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i31fz/george_arrived_at_work_looking_haggard_and_tired/
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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.
All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.
The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”
“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i317o/a_group_of_engineering_professors_were_invited_to/
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Little Johnny's grandpa.

Little Johnny visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, Johnny's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Johnny noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, Johnny  was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
And so it went for the rest of the week. Then it was time for Johnny to leave but the old man's dog wouldn’t let him pass.
Johnny said, “Grandpa, the dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “COLD WATER, GO LIE DOWN!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i30oy/little_johnnys_grandpa/
%
What do you call dentures made for sheep?

Lamb chops!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2z74/what_do_you_call_dentures_made_for_sheep/
%
Doctor I have a problem...

A man walks into a doctors office and explains that he has five penises.
The Doctor immediately looks down at him and replies "Jesus man, how do your pants fit!"
The man looks up to him and says "They fit like a glove!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2z24/doctor_i_have_a_problem/
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I like my women how I like my iPhones

A plus-sized 6 or 7.
I can't afford anything better than an 8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2wvg/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_iphones/
%
My wife birthday's coming up and she told me to get something that makes her look sexy...

So I bought myself a 18 pack of beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2ved/my_wife_birthdays_coming_up_and_she_told_me_to/
%
Paul Walker really loved nature...

He even died hugging a tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2so3/paul_walker_really_loved_nature/
%
Donald Trump Pulls Out of Iran Deal.

Man, these porn stars come up with weird names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2shb/donald_trump_pulls_out_of_iran_deal/
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I like my women how I like my phone notifications

Turned off or disabled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2qij/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_phone_notifications/
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There was a thief that went to a theater to steal an expensive prop...

But what he really stole was the spotlight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2o0v/there_was_a_thief_that_went_to_a_theater_to_steal/
%
What do you call a politically correct large expensive house?

A Persion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2mfc/what_do_you_call_a_politically_correct_large/
%
What do you call sex between two insecure deaf people?

An awkward silence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2lu6/what_do_you_call_sex_between_two_insecure_deaf/
%
Did you hear about the hippy that drowned?

He was too far out, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2k1o/did_you_hear_about_the_hippy_that_drowned/
%
Teach a man to fish and you will eat for a day.

Teach a man to phish and he will become a Nigerian Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2hbp/teach_a_man_to_fish_and_you_will_eat_for_a_day/
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A guy sits down at a diner and asks for a hot bowl of chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2gkp/a_guy_sits_down_at_a_diner_and_asks_for_a_hot/
%
Did you hear about the bandit that stole a truck of soap?

Police say he made a clean getaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2gbr/did_you_hear_about_the_bandit_that_stole_a_truck/
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A gorgeous woman doing stand-up at a comedy club

....and she's not doing so well. It's not that her delivery or stage presence is bad. It's simply because she's using extremely tired and outdated material. To put it frankly, the audience was sick and tired of hearing the same damn jokes that had been told time after time on that stage.
After her set was over, she's drinking alone at the bar when a man comes up to her, clearly trying to hit on her. She immediately shoots him down but the man is stubborn and decides to change his approach some, having seen her tank on stage just a few minutes before.
Quickly, he comes up with a convincing lie. "I didn't want to tell you, at first but I'm a professional comedy writer. I noticed that you were using some old material up there. I can help you re-package the same jokes and make them funny again."
Immediately, the young lady perks up and is very interested in the man's proposition. "What will it cost me?" she asks candidly.
"All I want, in exchange for re-writing your jokes, is to spend the night with you."
The young lady hesitantly agrees and tells the man to meet her at her apartment later.
Sure enough, he meets her at her place and they go at it like rabbits for several hours. Afterwards, feeling a bit guilty about his lie, he says, "I have a confession to make. I'm not really a comedy writer."
The young lady, laughing, quickly replies, "I, too, have a confession to make. I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2fje/a_gorgeous_woman_doing_standup_at_a_comedy_club/
%
What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

The hooker can clean her crack and then sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2ezm/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
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The Chancellor of Germany, Prince Harry's wife, and the actor who played Gollum should set up an emporium of pubic wigs in Sarkel, Russia

...and call it "Merkel, Markle and Serkis' Sarkel Merkin Circus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2cyk/the_chancellor_of_germany_prince_harrys_wife_and/
%
Dark humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2bx7/dark_humor_is_a_lot_like_food/
%
Letter to God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
P.S. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i2bgz/letter_to_god/
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If you ever get mad, just punch an orphan

What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i29ru/if_you_ever_get_mad_just_punch_an_orphan/
%
I saw a guy walking down the street with a large pole

I asked him, "are you a pole vaulter?"
He replied: "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i287l/i_saw_a_guy_walking_down_the_street_with_a_large/
%
Plagiarism is one of the ways to get in trouble with your teachers....

....or to be praised by people on r/jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i27bv/plagiarism_is_one_of_the_ways_to_get_in_trouble/
%
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i24hd/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
A man and a pile of mud begin to race...

The mud won by a landslide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i1ya3/a_man_and_a_pile_of_mud_begin_to_race/
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What’s the difference between I.T. & Management?

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i1xip/whats_the_difference_between_it_management/
%
Why does the new Polish Navy have glass bottom boats?

To see the old polish navy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i1wob/why_does_the_new_polish_navy_have_glass_bottom/
%
I hate it when people try and sound smart by using big words.

It just makes them look ambidextrous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i1ko2/i_hate_it_when_people_try_and_sound_smart_by/
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Nun. They'll sit in the dark ages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i1j7g/how_many_christians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What does a robot do on a one night stand?

Nuts and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i1dkq/what_does_a_robot_do_on_a_one_night_stand/
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People treat me like a God...

They ignore my existence until they need something from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i1d6y/people_treat_me_like_a_god/
%
I hate how people can't tell the difference between etymology and entomology.

It just really bugs me in ways I can't seem to put into words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i1cwd/i_hate_how_people_cant_tell_the_difference/
%
What was Bruce Lee's beverage of choice?

WAH-TAH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i18rn/what_was_bruce_lees_beverage_of_choice/
%
A man went to the doctor with an infection that started in his hand, but spread to his whole arm.

The doctor said that the infection was getting out-of-hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i18i7/a_man_went_to_the_doctor_with_an_infection_that/
%
What do you call eating ass on an airplane?

Skyrim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i1840/what_do_you_call_eating_ass_on_an_airplane/
%
Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.”
Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i17iu/daughter_hey_dad_how_do_you_feel_about_abortion/
%
I witnessed my shoelaces fight today...

It was a tie...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i14wy/i_witnessed_my_shoelaces_fight_today/
%
How do you wake up lady gaga?

You poke her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i10z9/how_do_you_wake_up_lady_gaga/
%
A flock of geese passes by overhead, in class 'v' formation.

Dad: Do you know why one side of the 'v' is longer than the other?
Son: No, why?
Dad: Because it has more geese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i10ii/a_flock_of_geese_passes_by_overhead_in_class_v/
%
I forgot my joke about water hazards.

I guess it just slipped my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i0klh/i_forgot_my_joke_about_water_hazards/
%
Dads are like boomerangs...

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i0fd1/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds fun!

If you don’t know what either of those mean...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i0dwd/waterboarding_at_guantanamo_bay_sounds_fun/
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I was out duck hunting with Olivia Wilde.

After a while, Olivia spotted a massive duck in the distance and insisted that I hunt it down.
I started to follow it, through bushes and brambles, woods and fields, over hills and through valleys, until finally, I caught up with it. The huge duck turned in my direction, honked and started running after me...
It was at that moment I realised, I wasn't pursuing a duck for Olivia, I was on a Wilde goose chase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i0b9k/i_was_out_duck_hunting_with_olivia_wilde/
%
Why can't you trust an artist?

Cuz they're sketchy, shady, and they'll frame you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i0asq/why_cant_you_trust_an_artist/
%
They say Hawaii is the best place to go to feel like a kid again

Right now you can play "The floor is actually lava"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i0af5/they_say_hawaii_is_the_best_place_to_go_to_feel/
%
Why are there so many Rivers in France?

Water always takes the way with the least resistance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i05t6/why_are_there_so_many_rivers_in_france/
%
When life gives you melons...

You probably have dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i05mv/when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
When I was about 5

On holiday with my parents, after a loooong day we finally go for dinner. We all ask for steaks. The waiter asks how we want them. Everyone else says for medium. With a surprising look I confidently ask the waiter for an extra large one! Idiots!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i04d8/when_i_was_about_5/
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A polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license..

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8i001s/a_polish_immigrant_went_to_the_dmv_to_apply_for_a/
%
I'm getting older now

. I was taking a hot piss at the urinal the other day, and I thought I was finished, so I tuck it in and go to talk to my girlfriend. Nope, just pissed all over myself! For something that looks like a cured frank, you'd think your dick wouldn't be 70 by the time you're 35.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hzxq0/im_getting_older_now/
%
People say filling your animals with helium is wrong.

I say whatever floats your goat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hzrtu/people_say_filling_your_animals_with_helium_is/
%
For hundreds of years they were forced to work for us across our nation, tirelessly and without monetary compensation. They were whipped, and tied to wooden posts. Even today, they are exploited for sports and entertainment.

Man, horses must really hate us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hznrm/for_hundreds_of_years_they_were_forced_to_work/
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A Navy Admiral, Air Force General, and Marine General are prepping for retirement...

The VA clerk explains to them, “Gentlemen, we are going to try out a new policy. Pick 2 points on your body and whatever the distance in inches between them is, that will determine your annual retirement pay.”
The Navy Admiral steps forward and says, “Well let’s make this easy. I want you to measure from the top of my head down to the bottom of my feet.”
The clerk measures the Admiral. “Well, Sir that’s 73 inches. You will receive $73,000/year.”
The Air Force General puts some more thought into it, and extends his arm above his head. “I want you to measure from the tip of my middle finger down to the tip of my toes.”
The clerk measures the General. “Good call, Sir. That’s 98 inches. You will receive $98,000/year.”
The Marine General steps forward, extremely confident. “I want you to measure from the tip of my penis, down to my left testicle.”
Clerk: “That’s ridiculous, sir. Are you positive?”
General: “Just do it, son”
The clerk gets down to measure the General and says. “My god, Sir. Where the hell is your left testicle?”
The General replies, “ Back in Vietnam. Start walking, kid.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hzkxr/a_navy_admiral_air_force_general_and_marine/
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What is the difference between Republicans and pornstars?

Pornstars don't keep their mouth shut after being fucked by Donald Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hzhtf/what_is_the_difference_between_republicans_and/
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Does anybody else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you, even though you aren’t attracted to her at all?

God, my wife acts really fucking strange sometimes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hzc39/does_anybody_else_hate_it_when_a_girl_pulls_the_i/
%
My wife walks into the kitchen

Me: it sure is muggy outside
Wife: if you put all the mugs on the porch I'm leaving you
*Sips coffee out of bowl*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hzavy/my_wife_walks_into_the_kitchen/
%
A guy has been drinking in a bar all day and asks the bartender where the toilet is.

So the guy goes to the toilet and he's there pissing away when he looks to his right and sees a very large, muscular guy come in. The muscular guy pulls out his cock and it's fucking huge.
He goes over to a urinal, swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two. He then goes over to a sink, swings his dick and smashes the sink in two. He then goes over to the toilet door and smashes his cock off it breaking it in half. He says to the guy, "You know what I’m gonna do with this cock? I'm gonna fuck you up the ass!!"
The small guy says, “Phew, thank Christ, I thought you were going to hit me with it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hz80t/a_guy_has_been_drinking_in_a_bar_all_day_and_asks/
%
Flat Earther pickup line

The Earth may be flat
but Uranus is round

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hz7fw/flat_earther_pickup_line/
%
Senior citizen

I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along with my request.
He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked: “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled: "HELL NO!!!"
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief!
My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I’m not allowed to go back to that Pharmacy, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hz2le/senior_citizen/
%
My mate is shagging twins who both like it up the arse....

I told him he was a lucky bastard, and asked ‘how do you tell them apart?’
He replied ‘that’s easy, sally has massive tits and a nice shaved pussy, and Derek has a moustache with big hairy bollocks!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hz0ur/my_mate_is_shagging_twins_who_both_like_it_up_the/
%
But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul

(Phone rings)
*Pick up*
(Little girl) : “Hello”
“Hi Honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy, she’s upstairs in the room with Uncle Paul”
After a brief pause, Daddy says “But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul”.
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now”
Brief Pause
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute”
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy”
“And what happened Honey?” He asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn’t moving at all”
“Oh my God!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on,too He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”
**LONG PAUSE**
**LONGER PAUSE**
Then Daddy says, “What swimming pool?.....
Is this 486-5731??”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hyzxq/but_honey_you_havent_got_an_uncle_paul/
%
Conversation at the breakfast table this morning.

Him:  I shouldn’t say “I love you with all my heart.”  I should say, “I love you with all my liver,” since it’s bigger.
Me:  Then you should love me with all your ego.
Him:  I don’t love you that much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hywnm/conversation_at_the_breakfast_table_this_morning/
%
Why do the French plant trees on their boulevards?

So the Germans can march in the shade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hyvnj/why_do_the_french_plant_trees_on_their_boulevards/
%
The main problem with being bisexual

is that now there’s twice as many people in the world that won’t have sex with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hyty1/the_main_problem_with_being_bisexual/
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Driving in England

“In England they drive on the left side of the road, in New England we drive on what’s left of the road.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hyps0/driving_in_england/
%
Employee of the month

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hymbs/employee_of_the_month/
%
My wife told me she's having an affair

I said "well, actually I am too."
She said "it's with your best friend, John"
"THAT SONOFABITCH IS CHEATING ON ME!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hyiz3/my_wife_told_me_shes_having_an_affair/
%
1978: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2005: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.
2018: UK's prince marries, Liverpool is in the Champions League final, and the Pope is cheering for Real Madrid like a madman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hyggp/1978_uks_prince_marries_liverpool_wins_the/
%
A burglar broke into my home last night.

He was searching for money. So I woke up and searched with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hygfx/a_burglar_broke_into_my_home_last_night/
%
What do cunnilingus and a Congressional hearing have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hyg5c/what_do_cunnilingus_and_a_congressional_hearing/
%
A bar walks into a physicist......

Oops, wrong frame of reference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hycld/a_bar_walks_into_a_physicist/
%
Met a professional sadist recently, so I asked him how he actually makes money from it.

"I sell pro-pain and pro-pain accessories."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hybsh/met_a_professional_sadist_recently_so_i_asked_him/
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Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Werner Heisenberg, Georg Ohm, Galileo Galilei, Max Planck, and Louis de Broglie were carpooling to work...

...when they got pulled over for speeding. However, when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going, he couldn't get a straight answer, and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.
So all 7 of them are taken to the police station, and individually questioned. First, they were asked simply "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg, the driver, said "It was definitely somewhere between 0 and 180 miles per hour. I can tell you exactly where we were though."
Newton says "We were going 92 miles per hour when we were pulled over - and here's the differential equation that proves it."
Einstein says "I'm relatively sure we were stationary - the earth beneath us was moving at 92 miles per hour."
Galileo says "We were going 67,000 miles per hour around the sun."
Broglie says "Um... Uh. Wavelength?"
Planck says "I believe we were moving at around ten duodecillion quanta per hour, give or take."
And finally Ohm, no matter how many times he was asked, screamed "I won't go! I won't! You'll never take me alive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hy8r5/albert_einstein_isaac_newton_werner_heisenberg/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar

and orders food. The Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hy6qb/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How are non-vaccinated children and good jokes similar?

They both never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hy57k/how_are_nonvaccinated_children_and_good_jokes/
%
I just came back from the doctor's.

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
“What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hy2lq/i_just_came_back_from_the_doctors/
%
What does a emo girl have in common with floor tiles?

Once you lay them, you can walk all over them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hy16y/what_does_a_emo_girl_have_in_common_with_floor/
%
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hy00n/an_irishman_goes_into_the_confessional_box_after/
%
A man calls to the hotel's receptionist and he says........"Hello..........

..."Hello, I'm in room 620, please send someone here immediately! I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window!!"
The receptionist says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's your personal problem"
To which the man gets angry and he yells, "Listen you dumb bitch! The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE PROBLEM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hxy8b/a_man_calls_to_the_hotels_receptionist_and_he/
%
What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell it; but they're not allowed to eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hxxkh/what_do_a_pizza_delivery_guy_and_a_gynecologist/
%
Whenever I row with my wife it ends with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees

saying "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hxxcn/whenever_i_row_with_my_wife_it_ends_with_her/
%
What is the most effective way to remember your girlfriend's birthday?

Forget it once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hxpto/what_is_the_most_effective_way_to_remember_your/
%
Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hxp4t/yeah_i_lost_to_my_computer_at_chess/
%
A ghost walks into a bar.

'What will you have?' asks the bartender. Ghost replies 'I'm here for the boos'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hxmns/a_ghost_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why can't you be funny with kleptomaniacs?

They take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hxlrr/why_cant_you_be_funny_with_kleptomaniacs/
%
A Mexican magician says he can make himself disappear in the count of three.

He says: 'unos, dos'. Poof. He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hxl31/a_mexican_magician_says_he_can_make_himself/
%
How can u tell the difference between a Caucasian and an asian?

One is white, the other is Wong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hxjqg/how_can_u_tell_the_difference_between_a_caucasian/
%
What does a clock do when it is hungry?

Go back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hxi69/what_does_a_clock_do_when_it_is_hungry/
%
What is the difference between a hippie girl and a muslim girl?

The hippie girl gets stoned before sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hxf9d/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippie_girl_and/
%
A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively.
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hxcw6/a_newly_born_sperm_was_receiving_instructions_in/
%
What is a ducks favorite drug?

Quack cocaine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hxa1d/what_is_a_ducks_favorite_drug/
%
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen..

listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hx8ha/a_few_days_after_christmas_a_mother_was_working/
%
Racecar backwards is racecar

Racecar sideways is how Paul walker died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hx66t/racecar_backwards_is_racecar/
%
I was thinking about doing a practical joke involving herbs

But I’m not gonna waste my thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hx3rv/i_was_thinking_about_doing_a_practical_joke/
%
What do you call a depressed bug?

A pestimist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hx27o/what_do_you_call_a_depressed_bug/
%
Why are Titanic themed parties so awkward?

They lack good icebreakers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hx0o0/why_are_titanic_themed_parties_so_awkward/
%
What do you do if you find yourself riding a horse with a giraffe next to you being chased by a lion?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hwt1t/what_do_you_do_if_you_find_yourself_riding_a/
%
A woman marries a man and has 10 children...

The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The next man dies so the woman remarries again and has ten more children.
That man dies so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Good god! They’re finally together!"
A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”
The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hwpbf/a_woman_marries_a_man_and_has_10_children/
%
I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hwmec/i_always_shave_my_beard_after_having_sex/
%
Imagine a world without bloated superhero movies...

...wouldn't it be marvelless?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hwinn/imagine_a_world_without_bloated_superhero_movies/
%
What did the Chinese couple call their black baby?

Sum Ting Wong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hwiar/what_did_the_chinese_couple_call_their_black_baby/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hwhz5/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_cause_i_stole_her/
%
What's the difference between Trump's shoes and a condom?

None, there is a dick standing in both of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hwemm/whats_the_difference_between_trumps_shoes_and_a/
%
Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...
Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"
Me: "What happened to the Four skin"
Dad: "Jewish banana"
I was twelve and I finally figured it out....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hwd7q/dad_peels_banana/
%
Our grandpa was running away from the operation theater ...

We stopped him and asked what was wrong.
He replied that the nurses in the operation theater were saying "Don't worry, everything will be alright, we are all with you" and that made him uncomfortable.
We said "They were trying to calm you down. This is common. They probably say this to all the patients before the surgery"
Our grandpa took a deep breath, looked deep into my eyes and said "They were telling that to the surgeon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hwbiu/our_grandpa_was_running_away_from_the_operation/
%
Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battlefield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hw8sx/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_view_mirrors/
%
A plane full of paratrooper recruits are doing their first jump.

The drill instructor throws everyone that doesn't jump on their own out of the aircraft personally. The second to last puts up a real fight, but the instructor manages to push him out. The last recruit nearly looses his shit laughing. The instructor turns around and asks: "Do you think this kind of cowardice is funny?". The recruit answers: "No, but that was our pilot." and jumps out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hw89p/a_plane_full_of_paratrooper_recruits_are_doing/
%
What do you do if you see a spaceman?

You park your car, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hw2sy/what_do_you_do_if_you_see_a_spaceman/
%
My wife thinks I'm god.

Every time I come home I hear "Oh god, you again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hw2jl/my_wife_thinks_im_god/
%
A stork may bring a baby...

but a swallow never will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hw24g/a_stork_may_bring_a_baby/
%
Do you want to know what my grandpa told me before he kicked the bucket?

How far do you think I can kick this bucket?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hw0n9/do_you_want_to_know_what_my_grandpa_told_me/
%
I have this cool party trick where I eat a rope and shit it out as a knot...

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hvxiv/i_have_this_cool_party_trick_where_i_eat_a_rope/
%
A doctor is examining his patient

Doc: How many times do you masturbate a day?
Man: Idk, ten?
Doc: Do you think you can cut down on that?
Man: Why?
Doc: Because I'm trying to examine you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hvufp/a_doctor_is_examining_his_patient/
%
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

Pokemon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hvtt9/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_proctologist/
%
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hvp27/they_say_theres_a_person_capable_of_murder_in/
%
Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears...

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hvlnd/today_when_my_son_asked_can_i_have_a_book_mark_i/
%
We used to have empires ruled by emperor's. We used to have kingdoms ruled by kings.

Now we have countries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hvjrt/we_used_to_have_empires_ruled_by_emperors_we_used/
%
When did Einstein get out of bed every day?

Relatively early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hvhj1/when_did_einstein_get_out_of_bed_every_day/
%
I Had A Polish Friend Who's A Sound Technician...

Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hvef7/i_had_a_polish_friend_whos_a_sound_technician/
%
My parents read the book I was writing. They said the man character wasn't likeable...

So, yeah, now I have a new hiding place for my diary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hvdu1/my_parents_read_the_book_i_was_writing_they_said/
%
A woman is in court..

A woman is in court charged with beating her husband to death with his guitars.
As she stands there, the judge is looking over her offences and asks;
First offender?
The woman replies 'No, first a Gibson then a Fender'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hvd3v/a_woman_is_in_court/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hvctm/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer,

bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hv9tj/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
%
The doctors have designed a special shoe to make up for my short leg. I didn’t think it would work, but I tried it out.

I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hv9cs/the_doctors_have_designed_a_special_shoe_to_make/
%
Rednecks and the elevator.

A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.
The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.
"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.
"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.
Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.
The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hv86b/rednecks_and_the_elevator/
%
Why was the Mexican prescribed Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hv7sk/why_was_the_mexican_prescribed_xanax/
%
Why do fencers love r/jokes?

They're skilled at ripostes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hv7eg/why_do_fencers_love_rjokes/
%
I think taking the train is for crazy people.

Its a loco motion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hv6j2/i_think_taking_the_train_is_for_crazy_people/
%
Really was going to study medicine to become a doctor.

I just didn’t have the patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hv51i/really_was_going_to_study_medicine_to_become_a/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hv3pg/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
Did you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

Good food, no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hv26v/did_you_heard_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
My mate rang me and asked,

"What're you doing at the moment?"
I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hv0cy/my_mate_rang_me_and_asked/
%
A raggedy old nun was walking home ....

.... from the convent one evening, when an old man jumped out of the bushes and had his way with her.
The man laughed and said: "What will you tell the Holy Father NOW, Sister?"
And the nun replied:  "I can't lie to the Lord!  I must say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes, attacked me and had his way with me TWICE...... Unless you're too tired?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8huwgn/a_raggedy_old_nun_was_walking_home/
%
Sum bitch

Two  alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and  struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he  snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy "Look at this big  sum bitch!" The other alter boy says "You can't say that you're an alter  boy" to which he explains "thats the name of the fish, sum bitch."  "Wow, well that is a big sum bitch, lets go show it to the priest!"
The  two boys run up to the priest yelling, "Priest look at this big sum  bitch we caught!" Priest\- "You boys can't talk like that you're alter  boys!" Alter boys\- "Priest thats the name of the fish, sum bitch"  Priest\- "Well that is a nice sum bitch, lets go catch some more of those  sum bitches and show em to the cardinal!"
So  the priest and the boys catch some more of those sum bitches and carry  them to show the cardinal. "Cardinal, look at all these sum bitches we  caught!" Cardinal\- "I should have you all excommunicated for language  like that!" Alter boys\- "Well thats the name of the fish, sum bitch"  Cardinal\- "I never in my life have seen such a fine bunch of sum  bitches, lets take them to the nuns and see if she'll cook up these sum  bitches!"
So the alter boys, the priest  and the cardinal go see the nun. "NUN! Can you cook up these sum bitches  for us?!?!" Nun\- "I aint cooking nothing if you boys are gonna talk  like that!" Alter boys\- "Nun thats the name of the fish, sum bitch!"  Nun\- "Well since you boys went through the trouble of catching all these  sum bitches, I reckon I could fry these sum bitches up!"
That night the pope is visiting town and sets down for supper with the alter boys, priest, cardinal, and nun.
Alter  boys\- "I can't believe we caught all these sum bitches!" Priest\- "These  are the best sum bitches I have ever ate!" Cardinal\- "Nun, you cooked  these sum bitches just right!" Nun\- "I sure did, you boys gotta catch  some more of these sum bitches!"
The pope  looks around at everyone with a surprised look on his face. He cracks a  grin and says......."Y'all mother fuckers are alright!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8huvgh/sum_bitch/
%
How much faith does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, faith can only move mountains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hut94/how_much_faith_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

A sternly worded letter from the ethics committee and your funding revoked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8huqxg/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_an_elephant_and_a/
%
What do you call music in a psychiatric hospital?

Looney Tunes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hupia/what_do_you_call_music_in_a_psychiatric_hospital/
%
No Weigh

A city slicker went to the countryside to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 20-pounder. The farmer picked out a pig, put its tail in his mouth, and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy…it was 30 pounds.
The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head up and down a couple of times, and said the pig weighed 30 pounds.
The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again.
"Mom's busy weighing the mailman".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hunkw/no_weigh/
%
I had a science lesson yesterday in class and the question was something along the lines of "what part of your body would you get rid off?"

Some guy responded, "My spine, It holds me back."
I fuckin' died, especially when my classmates were having pirate reactions. Holy shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8humgn/i_had_a_science_lesson_yesterday_in_class_and_the/
%
What would the gulag be called if Stalin went on r/dankmemes?

REEEEEEEEEEE-education

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hukxf/what_would_the_gulag_be_called_if_stalin_went_on/
%
What is the first stage of grief for an Egyptian?

De\-nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hue2j/what_is_the_first_stage_of_grief_for_an_egyptian/
%
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...

You have my word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hu8f4/whoever_stole_my_microsoft_office_im_coming_after/
%
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me.

The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hu7vw/i_asked_the_waitress_for_a_quickie_and_she/
%
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's go ride our bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hu6io/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Little kids don't eat broccoli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hu621/whats_the_difference_between_boogers_and_broccoli/
%
What should I do if an ex girlfriend calls me and tells me she's HIV positive?

The trick is, always act surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hu5td/what_should_i_do_if_an_ex_girlfriend_calls_me_and/
%
What is both flaccid and rock hard at the same time?

Michelangelo’s David

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hu1ci/what_is_both_flaccid_and_rock_hard_at_the_same/
%
Little Girl talking to her Grandpa;

"Grandpa, make a noise like a frog."
"Why?"
"Cause Daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8htzvb/little_girl_talking_to_her_grandpa/
%
A blonde mother is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in to the kitchen.

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you," and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!"
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8httt6/a_blonde_mother_is_cooking_dinner_when_her_blonde/
%
Todays date is 1

5/7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8httjo/todays_date_is_1/
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DOOM

The police officer approaches me slowly, his hand on his pistol. “Sir, can you please come down from that tree?”
“Not a chance!”
He surveys the destruction all around us. “What happened here?”
I stare at the smoking remains of my house and mutter, “Doom.”
The Police officer nods. “Yes quite, and gloom too, but how did this happen? I need to take a statement to confirm some of the more graphic complaints we received.”
Where to even begin. At the start I suppose. “Well, you know how they moved the baby naming registry entirely online a few years ago? Turns out that was a terrible idea. I had one job to do, type our beautiful baby girls name into that system, but I messed it up. My wife wanted this really weird spelling, so i copied and pasted from her email, but I guess it didn’t copy properly. I pasted nonsense into the first name field instead. I was half asleep, you have to understand I’ve barely slept. I didn't check it before clicking submit.”
“Sir, I’m not following at all. What does this have to do with the incident?”
“I called our beautiful baby girl %5E2019F. Turns out it kind of broke the universe. Whatever lazy hack of an alien programmer built our version of the simulation, I guess they forgot to protect against stack overflows. Next thing you know, my baby girl’s corrupting everything she touches. I totally broke her programming.”
I see the Police officer reaching for his tazer. “Have you been drinking sir?”
“I wish! Anyway, i thought I could fix it if I could just reboot her. Turns out that was harder than I anticipated. I could barely get a bog standard OS up and running before she’d crash and reboot. In the end I went to every programmers failsafe.”
The cop looks up and smirks. “You turned her off and back on again?”
“Kind of. I installed the one program that is sure to run on any machine, no matter how broken. I installed DOOM on her.”
Now I was really ticking all the crazy person boxes. The officer raises an eyebrow. “Doom? The video game? On your daughter?”
“Yes, exactly! I didn’t actually think it would run, i was just desperate for a result. You can’t imagine how upset my wife has been.”
The officer makes a few notes in his notebook. “So what happened?”
“Well, she punched me in the face and ran straight to the shed. She couldn’t even walk 2 seconds earlier, but off she dashed. Next thing you know I hear the chainsaw. Have you ever seen an infant with a chainsaw? Neither had I. Anyway, I thought she was done, that maybe I could lock her in the shed and wait until she ran out of gas, but she just wanted it to get into my gun cabinet. I’ve never seen anyone load a 12 gauge so quickly. Then she screamed SATAN, which was her first word by the way, and stormed around the house shooting up the place. Eventually she hit the gas main line, and, well you can see how that turned out.”
Another squad car arrives and the cop says, “This really is a fascinating story sir. I think it might be best if you come down to the station to figure this out.”
“Not a chance, she’s still down there.”
He laughs. “You’re scared of your baby? Where is your little bundle of joy now?”
“She’s right behind you.”
The cop spins, a big dumb grin on his face, to find an infant wielding an oddly familiar pistol with fire in her eyes. He reaches for his gun only to find it missing. He screams up at me, “Oh my god, what do I do?”
“I suggest you join me up here in this tree. She can’t aim up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8htqjc/doom/
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What does FDR stand for?

Nothing anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8htpk0/what_does_fdr_stand_for/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
^(I'll show myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8htnfn/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_station/
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Harold and David are out hunting when David collapses and stops breathing.

Desperately Harold searches for a pulse but can't find one. He whips out his phone and dials 911 and blurts, 'My friend had just dropped dead! What should I do?' A soothing voice on the other end says, 'OK, OK. Just relax. First, let's make sure he really is dead.' After a brief silence the operator hears a shot ring out. Then Harold comes back to the phone. 'OK,' he says nervously, 'what do I do next?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8htndi/harold_and_david_are_out_hunting_when_david/
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Why aren't there any Irish lawyers?

None of them could pass a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8htmhc/why_arent_there_any_irish_lawyers/
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8htjbi/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”
Me: “I don’t know; how many?”
Son: “Ten tickles.”
Me: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”
Son: “Huh?”
Me: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males.  You know how you can tell if an octopus is a male octopus?”
Son: “No; how?
Me: “Test tickles.”
Son: “...”
Son: “...that’s inappropriate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ht71r/turned_the_tables_on_my_8yearold_son/
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My uncle always hated eating mushrooms...

...but now that he's dead, they're beginning to grow on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ht5zo/my_uncle_always_hated_eating_mushrooms/
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What do you call a Mennonite with his arm up a horses ass?

The mechanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ht4ui/what_do_you_call_a_mennonite_with_his_arm_up_a/
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It's not surprising that the Japanese have adopted so much of American culture.

The first American product they tested blew everyone away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ht4mu/its_not_surprising_that_the_japanese_have_adopted/
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Two blonds bought a horse each

When one says to the other
"Hey Jess, how will we be able to tell the horses apart?"
"Easy, I will cut its mane, so the one with the mane is yours, and the one without mane is mine"
But at night, the horse caretaker cut the other horse mane as a prank
So the next day, when they went to see their horses, they found them both with their mane cut
"Hey Jess, how will be able to tell the horses apart now?"
"Easy, I cut the tale, so the one with tale is yours, and the one without tale is mine"
But at night, the same caretaker cut the other horse tale which led to the two blonds to do a different thing to differentiate them apart, and then another and another etc
Finally, when the poor horses could barely be called horses, one blond ask the other
"Hey Jess, how can we tell the horses apart now?"
"STOP IT, FROM NOW ON THE BLACK IS YOURS AND THE BROWN IS MINE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ht41h/two_blonds_bought_a_horse_each/
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My friend got fired recently...

After years of medical training, a friend of mine was fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients, so he can no longer work in his profession. I feel really bad for him because he is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ht40q/my_friend_got_fired_recently/
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Touring Stephen King's writing studio

Stephen King is showing a group of students around his writing studio, chaperoned by their aging English teacher. The students are clearly amazed with  the items he has on display.
King leans over the desk to pick up a jar to show the children.
“I’m often asked,’ he says with words thick with the sounds of Maine, “where do I get the inspiration for my stories? I tell them I have the heart of a ten-year-old boy. And here it is.”
The young scribes gasp, then chuckle as King smirks away.
A young lady points to the raven in the corner. “Oh, he’s beautiful. What’s his name?”.
“That crittah is Zoltan, and he stops in to let me know my story is moving in the right direction.”
A young man picks up a scrimshaw turtle, carved of ivory. He holds it up to King with a curious look on his face.
“Ayuh, that there is Maturin, the guardian of us all. His thought is slow, but always kind. He holds us all within his mind.”
The matronly English instructor picks up an item and examines it closely. “I presume," she proclaims with disdain, "that this flower with the thick stalk represents the rose; its salty tang embodying the sweat that went into building the Dark Tower, and the liquid escaping symbolizing your difficulty escaping the evil influence of alcohol.”
“Uh, no, that’s my fleshlight. You might want to put that down.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ht2c7/touring_stephen_kings_writing_studio/
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Exes are like chocolate.

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ht12c/exes_are_like_chocolate/
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Trump endorsed Roy Moore but not Don Blankenship...

I guess it's all right to mess with minors, but miners are off limits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hsyg8/trump_endorsed_roy_moore_but_not_don_blankenship/
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What's the difference between acetone and Hitler?

One is use to remove polish, another is use to remove Polish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hss8q/whats_the_difference_between_acetone_and_hitler/
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Why did the can crusher quit their job?

It was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hsq82/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_their_job/
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A farmer shoves his hand up his cows rear end...

And rubs the poop on his chapped lips
His son asks “does that help your chapped lips?”
The farmer replied “no, but it stops me from licking them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hsorn/a_farmer_shoves_his_hand_up_his_cows_rear_end/
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Feminist picnic

Why did the feminist picnic get cancelled?
Because nobody would make any goddamn sandwiches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hsofx/feminist_picnic/
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One day, some U.S. senators were discussing how best...

...to protect their constituents from predation by big businesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hsn8q/one_day_some_us_senators_were_discussing_how_best/
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How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, they’d just keep shooting the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hsim5/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Wrestling...

A sport where people without pants fight for a belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hsgyc/wrestling/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I never paid $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hsc54/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because if they wore pants the sheep would hear the zippers and get away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hsaho/why_do_scotsmen_wear_kilts/
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One night, a Police officer knocks on a woman's door...

"Ma'am", he says, removing his hat, "we have bad and good news".
"bad news first" the woman replies.
"I'm sorry, but a serial killer attacked your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor"
The woman begins crying. "so what's the good news?"
"When we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Want one?"
"No way. that's disgusting!" the woman sobbed
"Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hs9bb/one_night_a_police_officer_knocks_on_a_womans_door/
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The Beer Festival

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." The bartender hands it over.
The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?"  The Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hs5vo/the_beer_festival/
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Basic Fuckanomics

Fuckanomics\-\-You're born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many. Then, as you get older, you have maybe 10 fucks per month, so you learn to budget them. You allocate fucks to family and career, but there aren't enough fucks to give to the newest fads. "Oh, someone at work has something they need my help with that's outside my job title? I'll do my best to allocate some fucks, but this month is pretty tight." Then, as you get even older, you're down to 1\-2 fucks per month, and those fucks are pretty damn precious. You give them to your family and your hobbies and your job, and that's kind of it. It's not your fault \- fucks expire too quickly. I would've liked to save my fucks from when I was younger but I cannot. Then, you hit fuck insolvency. You're getting like one fuck a year, and you have to make it last. So you go without, and even previously fuck\-worthy things, you just can't give a fuck. Even into old age. But at some point, the fuck faucet runs completely dry and you're out of fucks to give. It's just basic fuckonomics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hs581/basic_fuckanomics/
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Church of Meat

What do you call the leader of the Church of Meat?
Prime Minister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hs43r/church_of_meat/
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Three kingdoms lay on a triangle lake

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this story telling and legal battling came to no conclusion, so the kings decided to go to war.
The first kingdom is very wealthy, and has a grand army of thousands of Knights in shining armour with state of the art squires and weaponry, expertly trained killing machines.
The second kingdom is moderately well off, and has several hundred Knights in standard armour with enough squires to get by, but all willing in heart and mind.
The third kingdom is very poor, and has only one elderly Knight with his great grandson for a squire, in rusty centuries old armour.
On the eve before the battle, each kingdom decides to have a celebration for the great deeds that are about to be done.
The first kingdom has a great banquet that no words can give justice to, a massive, endless hall of food and delight, dancers and jesters and bards as plentiful as the fine wine and boar that accompanies them.
The second kingdom has not nearly as grand an occasion, but makes the most of what they have, making up for the lack of fine food and entertainment with enough ale to knock out an elephant.
The third kingdom has but scraps to make do with. In fact, so little food do they have that there is only enough for the Knight and boy squire alone to have a feast (a feast by their standards, at least). The elderly Knight is too weak and tired to get up, so the squire prepares the meal. He decides to cook a stew, so hangs a pot over a fire with a noose and cooks what they have into a small broth.
Finally, the great day dawns. The kings did not sleep through the night, and sent their generals to ready their armies. The world sat on tenderhooks.
However, fate had taken a strange turn. The armies from the first and second kingdoms had drunk so much in their revels that not one remained conscious, much to the fury of their leaders. And in the third kingdom, the elderly Knight's back had gone, and he could not stand. The kings were left speechless. There was only one option.
The squires must go to war.
So on the battlefield, a hundred thousand squires in tunics too big for them and wooden swords trampled the ground beneath them as they came to the edge. One gigantic behemoth of an army met the other small but willing force at the peak of the lake.
And the squire of the third kingdom faced them all.
The battle began. Heads were clubbed in, backs broken, knees twisted, hair pulled, and slowly the numbers remaining dwindled. As the hours swept by and the body piles grew high, the kings and their people watched in the greatest suspense the lake ever knew.
And as the sun set, and the dust cleared, finally, a single figure stood atop the mountain of bodies beneath him, victorious. The squire of the third kingdom had won.
This goes to show that the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is greater than the sum of the squires of the other two sides of the triangle.
Sorry not sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hs3q7/three_kingdoms_lay_on_a_triangle_lake/
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How did the vegetarian redditor cook her meat?

She didn't, because she likes it r/aww.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hs36c/how_did_the_vegetarian_redditor_cook_her_meat/
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It was my turn to drive in the car pool to work today.

After I picked up Steve we had to drive through a tunnel.   There was a semi truck coming down the wrong lane and I had to swerve to miss him.  When I got to work my wrist was hurting really bad.  It must have been from that car pool tunnel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hs14w/it_was_my_turn_to_drive_in_the_car_pool_to_work/
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I setup a Facebook group for Chinese Nazi's.

So far it's got three Reich's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hrzkd/i_setup_a_facebook_group_for_chinese_nazis/
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TIL that 97% of people are stupid . . .

Luckily I'm part of the other 5%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hrx36/til_that_97_of_people_are_stupid/
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People keep talking about the future of the US Supreme Court

They're afraid it's going to be ruthless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hru8r/people_keep_talking_about_the_future_of_the_us/
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Hey Professor can I do something to help my grade?

Professor: Uh...it’s May.
Me: Oh sorry! MAY I do something to help my grade?
Good luck on finals everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hru18/hey_professor_can_i_do_something_to_help_my_grade/
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Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting

Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hrr1c/today_i_saw_2_blind_people_fighting/
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hrq70/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
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Doctor: "I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."

Patient: "That's ok. I will come back when you are sober."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hrhva/doctor_i_am_not_exactly_sure_of_the_cause_i_think/
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Little Jimmy got called into the principal's office.

"Jimmy," the principal said, "you can't bring your cat to school." "I'm sorry, mister, I had to. I was afraid for his life." Confused, the principal asked him what he meant. Jimmy replied: "I heard my dad say  'when the kids go to school, I'm going to tear that pussy apart.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hrg9h/little_jimmy_got_called_into_the_principals_office/
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There's three things I've never been able to get straight

My sexuality, and counting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hraz6/theres_three_things_ive_never_been_able_to_get/
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I never really used to enjoy peer pressure

But then my friends got me into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hraw2/i_never_really_used_to_enjoy_peer_pressure/
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How does the Headless Horseman like his coffee?

Decapinated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hra2s/how_does_the_headless_horseman_like_his_coffee/
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Why do Japanese women have such small breasts?

Their entire lives their fathers told them getting anything other than an 'A' was unacceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hr7j2/why_do_japanese_women_have_such_small_breasts/
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What's the difference between America and a Yogurt?

If you left a Yoghurt alone 200 years it would develope a culture.
I hope it's not repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hr43q/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_a_yogurt/
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So i just saw a bank robber jump down some stairs while yelling about how terrible the cops were

guess you could say he was condescending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hr2ve/so_i_just_saw_a_bank_robber_jump_down_some_stairs/
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What did one homeless man say to the other during a hobo orgy?

It’s not gay if it’s in a freeway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hr2sc/what_did_one_homeless_man_say_to_the_other_during/
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A man goes into a confessional. "Forgive me, father..."

...for I have sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
*"Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt?!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hr295/a_man_goes_into_a_confessional_forgive_me_father/
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Bought my wife a cheap waxing.

She said it was a rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hqy0w/bought_my_wife_a_cheap_waxing/
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In a recent interview, Mark Zuckerburg's wife stated she wasn't bothered at all about being married to a lizard person.

But rather, she only took issue when Mark would drink heavily and behave erratically, calling it a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hqxxh/in_a_recent_interview_mark_zuckerburgs_wife/
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What do you call a cat that is unable to speak?

Mewt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hqw8c/what_do_you_call_a_cat_that_is_unable_to_speak/
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What Do You Call A Fight Between an Illegal Immigrant and a Pervert?

Alien V. Predator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hqu1i/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_an_illegal/
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A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

*Thanks for the upvotes, never thought I'd make it to the front page!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hqnjp/a_friend_of_mine_a_mother_of_four_refused_to_have/
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A ship wrecks onto a deserted island.

Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex. After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing... so they bury her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hqlnj/a_ship_wrecks_onto_a_deserted_island/
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A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hqhyd/a_guy_goes_to_a_psychiatrist/
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When I joined the Botswana Men's Choir, at first I was shy around everyone

But then we all just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hqexq/when_i_joined_the_botswana_mens_choir_at_first_i/
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Although the cannibalism of the praying mantis may seem severe, it is thankfully brief. In other species, the female will slowly suck the life out of her partner over a period of decades.

This process is commonly called marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hqe0i/although_the_cannibalism_of_the_praying_mantis/
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Unvaccinated kids have been found to have lower IQ's than vaccinated children.

Can't blame them, their parents are dumb as fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hqdg6/unvaccinated_kids_have_been_found_to_have_lower/
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I went to my butchers and put in my order, then asked "what's happened to your assistant ?"

He said "I had to sack him, he kept sticking his dick in the sausage slicer on his break!"
I said "what happened to the sausage slicer?"
He replied "I had to sack him as well!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hqbyt/i_went_to_my_butchers_and_put_in_my_order_then/
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What do you get when you cross Russian literature with balanced chemical equations?

Tolstoichiometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hq80d/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_russian_literature/
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My wife gives me sound advice.

99&#37; sound, 1&#37; advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hq5gm/my_wife_gives_me_sound_advice/
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An awkward friend of mine just finished his PhD in palindrome theory..

Now he's Dr. Awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hptzr/an_awkward_friend_of_mine_just_finished_his_phd/
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Milk

Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier
Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
Sperm bank employee: Oh no
Me: What
Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hptox/milk/
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Checking Reddit is like whiping your ass and checking the toilet paper....

Sometimes there's something new and sometimes there isn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hpl9f/checking_reddit_is_like_whiping_your_ass_and/
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What's the difference between a PhD in mathematics and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hpjzx/whats_the_difference_between_a_phd_in_mathematics/
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In the beginning of time

Adam was taking a naked stroll through the Garden of Edan, naming the animals. He found a large creature with a long nose and big ears. He said "I think I'll call you Elephant." The elephant replied "How do you breathe through that thing?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hpjzk/in_the_beginning_of_time/
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Ingsoc recently outlawed sexual promiscuity

It's thotcrime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hpi8j/ingsoc_recently_outlawed_sexual_promiscuity/
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Where did Lucy go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hp9j5/where_did_lucy_go_during_the_bombing/
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"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college."
"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hp9ak/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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I canceled my appointment at the sperm bank.

I told them I was sorry but I couldn't cum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hp6xq/i_canceled_my_appointment_at_the_sperm_bank/
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Jokes about jews aren't funny.

Anne frankly they are quite offensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hp64t/jokes_about_jews_arent_funny/
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A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.
She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hp5k3/a_soccer_mom_walked_into_a_tattoo_parlor_and/
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What is the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You gotta drop the bomb twice, before she gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hp0mm/what_is_the_worst_part_about_breaking_up_with_a/
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The most important part about telling an ISIS joke

...is the execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hozxt/the_most_important_part_about_telling_an_isis_joke/
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Why are the Japanese so afraid of obese Americans?

The last time they let a Fat Man in their country, Nagasaki disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hozbn/why_are_the_japanese_so_afraid_of_obese_americans/
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I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

I walked off with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hoxx9/i_asked_a_pretty_young_homeless_woman_if_i_could/
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A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8howya/a_guy_is_late_for_an_important_meeting/
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DNA is like the menu at Taco Bell

Different combinations of the same four ingredients to achieve endless results.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8howa3/dna_is_like_the_menu_at_taco_bell/
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A man breaks down on a country road in Ireland and hears a voice.

He opens opens his bonnet/hood and looks at the engine. He knows nothing about cars and has no hope of fixing it, then he hears a voice "Check the alternator"....Where the hell did that voice come from, he looks round and leaning over a gate is a huge white horse looking at him "Check the alternator" ...he panics but looks at what he thinks the alternator might be and sure enough there is a loose connection. He tightens it jumps in his car, tarst the engine and races off towards the local village both scared and confused at the appearance of a talking horse.
He goes straight to the first bar he sees, i'll have a pint and 2 whiskies, he throws them straight back and orders the same round..Woh woh woh says the barman whats the drama, why are you so shaken. So the man tells him the tale of breaking down and the white horse telling him what was wrong.
The barman looks serious now "you were so lucky it wasn't the black horse my friend"
Why whats wrong with the black horse??????
He knows f*ck all about cars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hotfl/a_man_breaks_down_on_a_country_road_in_ireland/
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My brother and I were setting up a tent...

Well, he's a bit clumsy, always been. He slipped and fell back on the pile of metal poles. Got himself right in the arse. I had to take him to the hospital and everything.
It wasn't too bad, all in all, but he did have to get a tentanus shot.
I apologize for this terrible pun, but it was something I thought up and didn't know where else to tell it, where I wouldn't get physical eyerolls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8horvj/my_brother_and_i_were_setting_up_a_tent/
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What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac philosopher do?

Stay up all night wondering whether there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hokn7/what_does_an_agnostic_dyslexic_insomniac/
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Two men are on opposite sides of a river.

The first man shouts to the second :
"How do i get to the other side of the river"
The second man shouts back :
"You are on the other side of the river."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hoau1/two_men_are_on_opposite_sides_of_a_river/
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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".
The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof* He's gone in a split second. He returns, mouth covered in blood and says, "see that town over there? I have sucked the townspeople's blood down to the last drop".
The last vampire also wants to show off his skill. *Poof* he's gone at the speed of light. He comes back, his entire face covered in blood. The first to vampires are in awe! The last vampire says, "see that lamp post over there?" The first two vampires eagerly nod, impatient to hear of his feat. The last vampire continues, "well fuck, I sure didn't see it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ho8ah/one_day_there_were_three_vampires_bragging_about/
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A fun joke to say when you're drunk

[Long, but worth it. Especially when everyone's drunk]
There's a fly sitting about a foot above a river.
Now there's a salmon in the river looking up at the fly thinking "you know, if that fly drops down six inches, I could jump up and snatch it and I'm gonna have a good dinner tonight."
Now there's a bear behind a bush, who's looking at the salmon, who's looking at the fly, and he's thinking "you know, if that fly drops down six inches, that salmon will jump up to snatch it, and then I can lurch out to grab it and I'm gonna have a good dinner tonight."
Now there's a hunter in a tree, who's looking at the bear, who's looking at the salmon, who's looking at the fly, and he's thinking "you know, if that fly drops down six inches, the salmon will jump up to snatch it, the bear will lurch out to grab it, then I'll have a better shot and I'm gonna have a good dinner tonight."
Now there's a mouse at the bottom of the tree, who's looking at the hunter (who's eating a cheese sandwich), who's looking at the bear, who's looking at the salmon, who's looking at the fly, and he's thinking "you know, if that fly drops down six inches, the salmon will jump up to snatch it, the bear will lurch out to grab it, the hunter will drop his cheese sandwich to take his shot and I'm gonna have a good dinner tonight."
Now there's a cat in a bush who's looking at the mouse, who's looking at the hunter, who's looking at the bear, who's looking at the salmon, who's looking at the fly, and he's thinking "you know, if that fly drops down six inches, the salmon will jump up to snatch it, the bear will lurch out to grab it, the hunter will drop his cheese sandwich to take his shot, the mouse will scurry over to eat it, then I can pounce on the mouse, and I'm gonna have a good dinner tonight."
So, the fly drops down six inches, the salmon jumps up to snatch it, the bear lurches out to grab it, the hunter drops his cheese sandwich and takes his shot, the mouse scurries over to eat the cheese, the cat pounces, but he misses and lands in the river!
Moral of the story: That fly drops down six inches and you've got a wet pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ho6yo/a_fun_joke_to_say_when_youre_drunk/
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Why don’t blind people skydive?

Scares the shit out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ho6dg/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
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A night of drinking

After a night of heavy drinking at the bars, 3 girls meet up the next day to recall their drunkin night
Girl 1: I was so drunk last night when I got home I blew chunks for hours!
Girl 2: That’s nothing! When I got home I couldn’t even make it to the toilet and threw up all over my bathroom walls!
Girl 3: You think that’s bad. When I got home I went straight to bed and woke up with puke all over me and my bed sheets.
Girls 2 and 3 are laughing hysterically after hearing about their crazy night when Girl 1 quietly interrupts and says “I don’t think you two understand, chunks is my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ho06q/a_night_of_drinking/
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As an FBI agent, my friends don’t find my jokes very funny.

[Redacted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hnzxi/as_an_fbi_agent_my_friends_dont_find_my_jokes/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling...

The juggler notices the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hnyud/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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I hate people who pretend they're cultured when they talk about Mozart.

I bet they haven't seen any of his paintings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hnv4f/i_hate_people_who_pretend_theyre_cultured_when/
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How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hnrd7/how_do_you_kill_a_circus/
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Did you hear about the soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

He's a seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hnogs/did_you_hear_about_the_soldier_who_survived/
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What's the difference between a 5 lb bag of onions and some bagpipes?

No one cries when you cut up the bagpipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hnmxn/whats_the_difference_between_a_5_lb_bag_of_onions/
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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hnmf6/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"

"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hnjbc/a_student_holds_a_gun_to_his_english_teacher_give/
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My girlfriend once asked me what rhymes with score?

I said no it doesn’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hnidb/my_girlfriend_once_asked_me_what_rhymes_with_score/
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Boy do i have an act for you! A talking dog!

"a talking dog? This I gotta see! You have one minute, so make it good, kid!"
"Rex, what's on top of a building?"
"ROOF!"
"What? You kidding me? He just says woof, any dog can do that."
"How about this? Rex, who's the greatest baseball player ever?"
"RUTH!"
"That's it, kid, you're wasting my time, get that fleabag out of my office!"
As they walked out of the building Rex looked over to his master and said "I guess I should have said DiMaggio."
Edit changed punchline to much better one suggested by u/nastylittlebaginess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hnhey/boy_do_i_have_an_act_for_you_a_talking_dog/
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A man meets his friend.. who has started wearing Earrings. He asks "Since when did you start wearing Earrings?"

Friend "Ever since my wife  found them in my car!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hnfad/a_man_meets_his_friend_who_has_started_wearing/
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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?" The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hnac1/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/
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How do Orcs of Mordor preserve their meat?

They use Sauron wrap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hn7ah/how_do_orcs_of_mordor_preserve_their_meat/
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What's a pirate's favourite element?

Gold of course - what would a pirate want with argon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hn6wd/whats_a_pirates_favourite_element/
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I started dating an English teacher

Things were going great, but she'd start correcting my grammar during sex.
>Who's the daddy?
>Noo it's 'the daddy's who?'
>Suck it good bitch
>No it's 'suck it well'
The worst part of it all, she gets particularly annoyed at my use of the colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hn5so/i_started_dating_an_english_teacher/
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Entry level position available!

3 years forklift experience required
5 years general labour required
Class 5 drivers license required
2 years kitchen experience required
4 years retail services required
2 years hospitality services required
4 years janitorial services required
3 years business degree preferred
5 years relevant experience required
$11 an hour to start(with 20¢ raise for every year of employment)
.
.
.
.
That's it. The joke is the current hiring system of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hn4vt/entry_level_position_available/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island...

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.
They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.
I just want to go home." POOF!
The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.
I wish I could go home too." POOF!
The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hn4nb/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stuck_on_an/
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Did you hear that joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hn26y/did_you_hear_that_joke_about_oedipus_and_midas/
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My wife keeps using the old ‘men can’t multitask’ stereotype..

So i said “that’s a lie.. I can make love to you AND think of your sister at the same time”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmzsx/my_wife_keeps_using_the_old_men_cant_multitask/
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The First Lady was touring a hospital one day.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the First Lady. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the First Lady.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, she screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same condition, better health plan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmz4q/the_first_lady_was_touring_a_hospital_one_day/
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Did you hear about the dancing heroin addict?

He tried to do the Hokey Pokey, but he couldn't turn himself around.
I'd tell more of the joke, but that's what it's all about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmwrn/did_you_hear_about_the_dancing_heroin_addict/
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The Lord said unto John ‘Come forth and thou shalt receive eternal life.’

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmvm9/the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_thou_shalt/
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What do you call it when a trickster god is singing just a little flat, but nobody really notices?

Low-key low key Loki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmuon/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_trickster_god_is/
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According to a recent sudy,

people who swear a lot are a lot more intelligent than dumb fucking retards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmlcu/according_to_a_recent_sudy/
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail…

But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmjh8/i_wanted_to_marry_my_english_teacher_when_she_got/
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Have you heard the joke about Ursa Major?

It's a long one, so bear with me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmjg1/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_ursa_major/
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My trampoline died today

RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmif2/my_trampoline_died_today/
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3 Beers

Bob walks into a bar in London, orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."
Bob replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Brazil, the other in Canada and I'm here in London. When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
Bob became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 beers and drink them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered only 2 beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."
Bob looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no,"
He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is...
I have quit drinking"!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmi7g/3_beers/
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What's different between mexican university and english ones?

Finishing earlier on your essay is frowned upon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmhlq/whats_different_between_mexican_university_and/
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An elephant and a camel meet on a road

Elephant: Say, why is it you have your breasts on your back?
The camel paused for a second.
Camel: That's an unusual question coming from someone who has a dick on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmg3a/an_elephant_and_a_camel_meet_on_a_road/
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The bar is ten minutes from my house...

However, my house is two hours from the bar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmex3/the_bar_is_ten_minutes_from_my_house/
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My neighbor came over and asked me if i had a stepladder

I said yeah, I never knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmdal/my_neighbor_came_over_and_asked_me_if_i_had_a/
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A poor African man is walking across the desert

He's lost, thirsty and completely hopeless. At one point he finds a magical lamp, and a genie pops out of it.
The African man is completely awe struck, and falls to his knees. "I will grant you three wishes!" The genie says.
The African man replies "I would like a lot of water, a lot of pussy and I would like to be white!"
The genie turns him into a bidet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hmag8/a_poor_african_man_is_walking_across_the_desert/
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Went to the sperm clinic earlier

The lady asked ‘would you like to masturbate in the cup?’
I replied ‘I’m good, I’m not ready to compete in a tournament yet.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hm9sb/went_to_the_sperm_clinic_earlier/
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What did the guy say when he was offered an extra chromosome?

"I'd be Down for that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hm9k7/what_did_the_guy_say_when_he_was_offered_an_extra/
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Do you know why oceans are so salty?

Because the land never waves back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hm0h0/do_you_know_why_oceans_are_so_salty/
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A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye."

The psychiatrist said, "Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hlw2r/a_man_went_to_his_psychiatrist_and_said_every/
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Did hear about the thief that decided to raid the theatre?

He sure stole the spotlight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hltvw/did_hear_about_the_thief_that_decided_to_raid_the/
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Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump’s wall.

On the condition, he gets to install windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hltl0/bill_gates_has_agreed_to_pay_for_trumps_wall/
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My girlfriend said that I can't be a good driver because I have a poor sense of direction

I think she's left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hlqly/my_girlfriend_said_that_i_cant_be_a_good_driver/
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A drunk walks into a bar....

....orders a drink and says to the bartender, "lawyers are all assholes!"
The guy at the end of the bar says "you better take that back!"
The drunk man asks, "why, are you a lawyer?"
The man says "NO, I’m an asshole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hlja2/a_drunk_walks_into_a_bar/
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A middle aged man and woman......

......meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."
The bride responds:
"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was...............God I miss him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hlh5i/a_middle_aged_man_and_woman/
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Did you know?

The first French fries were cooked in Greece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hlgtu/did_you_know/
%
What part of the Canadian flag is the French's?

The white part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hlfep/what_part_of_the_canadian_flag_is_the_frenchs/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hlfdm/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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There was a scared Spanish man at a club

Hispanic at the disco.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hlaqw/there_was_a_scared_spanish_man_at_a_club/
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What do you call an overweight baby?

Heavy infantry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hl8n5/what_do_you_call_an_overweight_baby/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hl7cr/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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Three men are running from the cops:

As they are running, they see they're approaching a cliff pretty quickly. They all start praying to God to help them.
God pretty much tells them to say what they want to be turned into when they get to the cliff face.
Dude #1 says, " I want to be a bird!" He is promptly turned into a bird and flies away.
Dude #2 goes, "I want to be a pillow!" He is rendered such and lands softly at the bottom and is returned to normal.
Dude #3 trips over a rock at near the edge and screams, "OH SHIT!!!" Dude #2 is hit on the head with a turd shortly after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hl1ni/three_men_are_running_from_the_cops/
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Driving in traffic in the city I moved into is a lot like having sex with my ex-girlfriend...

It always seems like I can never go too fast for too long and whenever a gap opens up in front of me another guy already filled it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hky09/driving_in_traffic_in_the_city_i_moved_into_is_a/
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What was the mans reaction when he was told he could never talk again?

He was speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hky02/what_was_the_mans_reaction_when_he_was_told_he/
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What do you call two bananas?

A pair of slippers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hkwse/what_do_you_call_two_bananas/
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What do Germans say when you show them a good meme?

Danke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hkvwc/what_do_germans_say_when_you_show_them_a_good_meme/
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Why can't you tell an incel to f**k off?

They don't know how.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hkvp0/why_cant_you_tell_an_incel_to_fk_off/
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If you see someone doing a crossword

Lean over and tell them seven up is Lemon-lime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hkvfo/if_you_see_someone_doing_a_crossword/
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An Arkansas man takes his 12 year-old daughter to the doctor to get her on birth control

The doctor then asks the man, “ Your 12 year-old daughter is sexually active!?”
The man replies, “No, she’s like her mother. She just lays there.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hku90/an_arkansas_man_takes_his_12_yearold_daughter_to/
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Two patients are trying to escape a mental hospital

They devise a plan to get up to the rooftop and jump from one building to another. When they get there, the first patient jumps across to the next building with ease, but his friend was scared that he wouldn't make it if he jumped. The first patient thinks for a while then comes up with an plan.
P1: "I know! I'll just shine my flashlight to you and you can use the beam to walk towards me."
The second patient thinks for a moment and replies :
"What am I, stupid? You'll just turn the light of when I get halfway across."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hku7b/two_patients_are_trying_to_escape_a_mental/
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There are 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench.

A man in a trench-coat walks by and flashes them.
2 of the old ladies have a stroke.
The other one couldn't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hktrc/there_are_3_old_ladies_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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My piano keyboard is stuck on the clavichord sound setting.

I think it might be baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hkr9q/my_piano_keyboard_is_stuck_on_the_clavichord/
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You know you can fit 63 Earths in Uranus.

I don't think I'll ever be mature enough to not laugh at that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hkpw0/you_know_you_can_fit_63_earths_in_uranus/
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How can you tell the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hknfw/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_hippo/
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A woman walked into a pharmacy...

...and told the pharmacist that she needed  some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy --  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!  I'll lose my license; they'll throw you and I in jail. Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police.
The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hkn1x/a_woman_walked_into_a_pharmacy/
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Did you hear about the man who sent his friends ten puns in the hope that even one would make them laugh?

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hkips/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_sent_his_friends/
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What do you call a confused amputee?

Stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hkdqa/what_do_you_call_a_confused_amputee/
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Great Joke from Ask Reddit

Looked this up when my sister asked stupid questions.
When a professor says there are no dumb questions, what do you say to prove him/her wrong?
You ask if there are dumb questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hka2y/great_joke_from_ask_reddit/
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What's the cheapest type of meat?

Deer balls because they're under a buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hk8iu/whats_the_cheapest_type_of_meat/
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A woman was shot three times during a bank robbery

Somehow each bullet managed to miss any vital organs. She went to the doctor a week later to see if the baby was okay. It had turned out that she was pregnant with triplets, and each bullet was inside of one of the triplets. The doctor said that the children were fine, and that they would eventually pass their of their bullets.
The woman gave birth to two daughters and a son, and everything was fine with the children.
About 13 years later, one of the daughters came into the mothers room and said: “Mom, something weird just happened. I was on the toilet and I found a bullet in my pee.” The mother then went on and explained the whole story.
Not too long after the second daughter had the same experience and told the mother, who once again explained why this had happened.
Finally when the son passed his bullet, he went to his mother and said, “mom something weird just happened.” At this point his mother stopped him and explained the story. The son responded with, “mom you don’t understand, I was jerking off, and I shot the dog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hk31g/a_woman_was_shot_three_times_during_a_bank_robbery/
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I’ve been trying to exercise more lately...

Today, my Apple Watch told me I masturbated three miles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hk1a1/ive_been_trying_to_exercise_more_lately/
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I know all the digits of pi

but not necessarily in the right order

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjx2j/i_know_all_the_digits_of_pi/
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Sometimes the same word means different things to different people.

Suppose, for example, the order goes out from HQ to "secure the building."
After a short while, the Marines report back, "We have destroyed the building."
Army reports, "We have killed everyone in the building and are holding the position."
Navy: "We locked the door when we left for the day."
Air Force: "We signed a three-year lease with an option to buy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjwkm/sometimes_the_same_word_means_different_things_to/
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What does a math cat say?

μ (mu)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjvfj/what_does_a_math_cat_say/
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What does love have in common with a fart?

If you force it, it could go to shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjtce/what_does_love_have_in_common_with_a_fart/
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The Western Wall

A journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall......"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjsl9/the_western_wall/
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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjs1j/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships...

Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjqot/a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
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Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?

He does 18 holes a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjq98/did_you_hear_about_the_golfer_who_started_a/
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I dropped the thanksgiving dinner and caused a geopolitical incident.

The fall of Turkey. The splattering of Greece. And the breaking up of China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjq63/i_dropped_the_thanksgiving_dinner_and_caused_a/
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My girlfriend keeps watching Chris Pratt movies then taking long showers.

I don’t know what she’s doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjq2x/my_girlfriend_keeps_watching_chris_pratt_movies/
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Little Timmy hears noises from his parents bedroom and goes to see what is up.

He sees his mom ball gagged and hog tied, and dad whipping her ass. He is taken aback. His dad says 'Sonny it's okay, just relax'. After the sex session is over mom says to her husband 'Honey why don't you just check up on Lil Timmy'. He goes to Timmy's room but he's not here. From the adjacent room comes muffled sounds. He opens the door to find Timmy balls deep in granny, her ass cherry red from whip stings. Timmy says 'Not so relaxing when it's your mom, ain't it?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjpx7/little_timmy_hears_noises_from_his_parents/
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What happens when a musician messes up during a song?

He has a tempo tantrum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjofp/what_happens_when_a_musician_messes_up_during_a/
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I asked her “So, what’s the difference between Viagra and Cialis?”

She said “I don’t know.”
“Me either,” I said “wanna find out the hard way?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjnh7/i_asked_her_so_whats_the_difference_between/
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What is Forrest Gump's computer password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjmq5/what_is_forrest_gumps_computer_password/
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A man walks into a zoo. There is only one animal, a dog.

It is a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjlow/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo_there_is_only_one_animal_a/
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Store Applicant

One day a manager at a grocery store was interviewing applicants to take up a position in his store.
He asks one applicant, "Do you have any experience with stocking?"
The applicant replies, "Yes, actually, I have four convictions for that." ﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjer3/store_applicant/
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TIL that the Black Prince, Edward of Woodstock, died of dysentery.

That's a shitty way to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjdbl/til_that_the_black_prince_edward_of_woodstock/
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I got featured on r/woosh!

I still don't know why..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjct7/i_got_featured_on_rwoosh/
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What do you call a happy aviator?

A gladiator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hjbyg/what_do_you_call_a_happy_aviator/
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It's not difficult to be an insomniac

**I became one overnight.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hj9ph/its_not_difficult_to_be_an_insomniac/
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Whats the difference between a ginger and a brick?

A brick gets laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hj4e3/whats_the_difference_between_a_ginger_and_a_brick/
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Two cats have a swimming race aross the English Channel

One cat is English, the other cat is French.
The English cat is called "One two three", the French cat is called "Un deux trois".
Which cat wins?
The English cat, because the Un deux trois cat sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hj1on/two_cats_have_a_swimming_race_aross_the_english/
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‘Olympic throwing sports aren’t what they used to be.’

Discus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hizkv/olympic_throwing_sports_arent_what_they_used_to_be/
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A teacher was giving a lesson on manners while at a date.

She asked Willy, "What would you say if you need to use the restroom?" Willy responded, "I need to go pee". The teacher said, "Nice try, but it's not polite to talk about bodily functions at the table".
She then asked Billy, "What would you say, Billy?" Billy said, "I need to use the restroom". The teacher said, "That is better, but it's not polite to say you're going to the restroom."
She asked Jimmy what he would say. Jimmy said, "I would like to shake hands with someone very dear to me, whom I hope you would meet after dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hiyko/a_teacher_was_giving_a_lesson_on_manners_while_at/
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I went to the Doctor's Office the other day

I had to get an x-ray and when the results came back the doctor said "This is exactly what I was scared of."
"What?" I replied.
"Skeletons"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hiwzo/i_went_to_the_doctors_office_the_other_day/
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If looks could kill...

I'd be a world renowned surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hiwm3/if_looks_could_kill/
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What did the blonde do with the boiling water?

Froze it - you never know when you're going to need boiling water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hivv0/what_did_the_blonde_do_with_the_boiling_water/
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Why were the Star Wars movies released episodes 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hiux6/why_were_the_star_wars_movies_released_episodes_4/
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Told a stranger on a bus that I liked rhetorical questions.

He said, "Who cares?"
I said, "that's a classic!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hitu9/told_a_stranger_on_a_bus_that_i_liked_rhetorical/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a 1 foot tall guy playing the piano.

Astonished the man asks the bartender,
“where in gods name did you find such a small man playing the piano?!”
“There is a genie out back granting wishes but..”
Before the bartender could finish his sentence the patron was out the door to search for the genie.
Sure enough the genie was out back granting wishes.
“I wish for a 50 bucks!” And just like that the genie had given the man 50 deer with beautiful big antlers.
Disappointed the man goes back inside to the bartender and told him the genie was horrible at granting wishes.
The bartender not surprised, looks at the man and says “Well yeah did you think I really wanted a 12 inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8his4g/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_1_foot_tall_guy/
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A 5 y.o. kid saw his mom and dad having sex.

Kid: Mommy, what are you doing bouncing up and down on top of daddy?
Mommy: Oh, I was just trying to deflate your daddy's tummy!
Kid: Was it because my baby sitter inflated it yesterday?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hipv2/a_5_yo_kid_saw_his_mom_and_dad_having_sex/
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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
"Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one everytime. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and
out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother
was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed
it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ...equipment ?".
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted !!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hiojp/the_smiths_had_no_children_and_decided_to_use_a/
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What kind of dog does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hio0w/what_kind_of_dog_does_magic_tricks/
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If There Are Vegans Having an Argument...

Is it still considered beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hin7w/if_there_are_vegans_having_an_argument/
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What's a comeback that's twice as good as "no u"?

No w

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hijx9/whats_a_comeback_thats_twice_as_good_as_no_u/
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What did the 0 say to the 10?

"I want one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hijuo/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_10/
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The most unpredictable things in my life happened when I was friends with a bunch of mutes

There was no telling what could happen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hihmn/the_most_unpredictable_things_in_my_life_happened/
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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8higba/three_handsome_male_dogs_are_walking_down_the/
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Did you hear about the cheetah who robbed a bank?

He ran away so fast that he almost got away with it, but he was spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hifth/did_you_hear_about_the_cheetah_who_robbed_a_bank/
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My dick was in the Guinness World Records...

Until the librarian told me to take it out before she called security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hifoy/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_world_records/
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A bull notices a spider on a cow’s back

He tells the cow, “don’t moo.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hifdg/a_bull_notices_a_spider_on_a_cows_back/
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A brilliant inventor creates a brand new type of leather.

This leather is such an amazing product, the inventor is convinced he's made his legacy. He starts a company that manufactures clothes  made out of this new leather material, and it instantly becomes a massive success. Everybody went crazy for their products, and the company's leather jeans in particular became a worldwide trend.
However, after seeing the inventors incredible success, tons of copycats began to arise. A young upstart named Billie Prince started his own leather jean company, claiming that they used the exact same formula as the inventor, and sold it for cheaper
Once news of this reached the inventor, he was outraged. and instantly started a lawsuit against Billies company. This legal battle  reached court, and the inventor went up to the stand to make his statement
"I want you to know something."He said to the jury. All twelve of them sat on the edge of their seats to hear what he had to say.
"Billie's jeans are not my leather..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hib4c/a_brilliant_inventor_creates_a_brand_new_type_of/
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The doctor gave me a Rorschach test and asked, "what do you see?"

I answered, "I see an old, sad, overworked man, tired of doing the same thing over and over, only visited when others need something from him, blamed for things outside his control, and never being appreciated enough."
"I appreciate your honesty", said the doctor, "but I meant, what do you see *on the picture*?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hi8c4/the_doctor_gave_me_a_rorschach_test_and_asked/
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"A razor up the queen's vagina"

In a kingdom far far away, there lived a king and a queen. The king was always under the suspicion that the queen might be cheating on him with some of the knights of his court.
One day, he needed to go to the neighbouring kingdom to meet with the king who ruled over there. Before setting off on his journey, he took a razor and stuck it up the queen's vagina.
After a few days, the king came back and immediately asked all his knights to assemble in the court. He said, "I know some of you have been sleeping with my queen behind my back and I intend to punish the culprits who have done so. Remove all your clothes right now." The knights of the court removed everything and stood completely naked.
Except one knight, the rest of them had had their dicks cut off. "Aha!", said the king, "you have all slept with her. You shall be hanged." The king then went up to the one knight whose dick hadn't been cut off and asked him, "my good man, you are the only one who has been loyal to me, what is your name?". The knight opened his mouth but his tongue had been cut off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hi71m/a_razor_up_the_queens_vagina/
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You know they used to be called Jumpolines

Until your mother tried one out in the 70s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hi3a6/you_know_they_used_to_be_called_jumpolines/
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What do dill pickels call non-dill pickels?

Infidills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hi0oe/what_do_dill_pickels_call_nondill_pickels/
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How do you make a cat drink?

Put it in a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hhxpi/how_do_you_make_a_cat_drink/
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Why didn’t the blind man go skydiving?

Because it scares his dogs to much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hhwpo/why_didnt_the_blind_man_go_skydiving/
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What stops lizards from having sex?

Ereptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hhtlv/what_stops_lizards_from_having_sex/
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“Give it to me,” She said...

“Give it to me,” she said.
“I’m so fucking wet, give it to me right now”.
“Fuck off,” I said, “ Get your own damn umbrella”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hhs7t/give_it_to_me_she_said/
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A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for an innuendo

So he gives it to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hhr0m/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
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My eldest came to me and

he told me he was feeling suicidal. I said, "Hang in there son", and pointed to the spare room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hhob7/my_eldest_came_to_me_and/
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Two neighbors were chatting over the fence one Saturday afternoon.

"So how's it going, Mike?" one neighbor asked.
"Tell you what," Mike said, "I haven't been able to remember anything lately. Just comes in my head and leaves just as fast. But I went to the doctor, and he gave me something to improve my memory. It's a lot better now, actually."
"What'd he give you?" the neighbor asked.
"Wouldn't you know it, that's one thing I don't remember," he says, looking down and thinking. "What's the name of that flower, it's red, it smells nice, it's got thorns?"
"A rose," volunteered his neighbor.
"Rose! That's it!" Mike announced triumphantly, and turns to his wife. "Hey Rose! What's the name of that stuff the doctor gave me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hhnwy/two_neighbors_were_chatting_over_the_fence_one/
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A man and a woman get married

After twenty years of marriage, the wife tragically passes away before her time.
As they are carrying the casket in the church, one of the pall bearers bumps it on a corner, and from the casket they hear a gasp.
The woman climbs out of the casket, it's a miracle, she's on the news, people praise the Lord, and she lives another twenty years.
As they're carrying the casket through the church for the second time twenty years later, the husband murmurs to the other pall bearers, "Careful, watch out for that corner..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hhjzq/a_man_and_a_woman_get_married/
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Why do gay porn stars need glasses?

They're cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hhhe8/why_do_gay_porn_stars_need_glasses/
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My dad came to visit for the weekend. Today he awoke and found a parking ticket on his car.

He said, "Looks like today is turning out to be a fine day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hhe3b/my_dad_came_to_visit_for_the_weekend_today_he/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hhd1l/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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I used to think I was indecisive...

Now I just don't know anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hhba2/i_used_to_think_i_was_indecisive/
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My mom asked me what gays think about.

I thought long and hard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hhaq5/my_mom_asked_me_what_gays_think_about/
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I use to practice sadism, necrophilia, and beastiality.

But I gave it all up when I realized I was beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hh7s1/i_use_to_practice_sadism_necrophilia_and/
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Have you heard the one about the President and the porn star?

No?
You should really watch something other than Fox News.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hh742/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_president_and/
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Why did the slave go to college?

...so that he could get into a good field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hh3m9/why_did_the_slave_go_to_college/
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I used to have a third nipple.

I'm glad I got that off my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hh2i4/i_used_to_have_a_third_nipple/
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Did you hear about the Pepsi employee who got fired?

He tested positive for coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hh1z8/did_you_hear_about_the_pepsi_employee_who_got/
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If I had a dime for every time I said a racist comment......

I'd probably get robbed by a black guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hgzzw/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_said_a_racist/
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An aristocrat Bostonian lady hired a new chauffeur. As they started out on their first drive, she inquired:

"What is your name?"
"Thomas, ma'am," he answered.
"What is your last name," she said. "I never call chauffeurs by their first names."
"Darling, ma'am," he replied.
"Drive on - Thomas," she said.
(Rapp, Albert 1951. On the Origins of Wit and Humor. New York: Dutton. Pages 49-50)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hgxnh/an_aristocrat_bostonian_lady_hired_a_new/
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When the doctor told me having a Colostomy would improve my grammar, I didn't believe him.

But it was true; I now use a semi-colon on a regular basis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hgwv9/when_the_doctor_told_me_having_a_colostomy_would/
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Bert and Ernie are working at Ben and Jerry's when Bert invents a new flavor. He asks, "Ernie, will you name this flavor?"

"Sure, Bert."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hgwjw/bert_and_ernie_are_working_at_ben_and_jerrys_when/
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What's the difference between ignorance and Apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hgvib/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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Penis modification technique

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this tribe reaches a certain age , he has a string with a weight attached to it, tied around his penis. After a while, the weight stretches the penis until it’s 20 inches long.
Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower , his wife said ,”let’s try the African string and weight technique hon”
The husband agreed and they tied a string with a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked , “How is our little experiment coming along?”.
The husband replied, “Well,it looks like we’re about halfway there”
The wife was impressed, and said : “You mean it’s already grown to 10 inches?”
“No”, the husband replied...”its turning black”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hguys/penis_modification_technique/
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Jokes about menstruation just aren't funny

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hgqog/jokes_about_menstruation_just_arent_funny/
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What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he and his friends decided to cosplay as famous composers?

I'll be Bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hgnrj/what_did_arnold_schwarzenegger_say_when_he_and/
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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hgktm/hung_chow_calls_in_to_work_and_says_hey_boss_i/
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Getting your farts back in...

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly. Every morning, when he awoke, the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor ; she was concerned that one day, he would blow his guts out.
The years went by, and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Christmas Day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard,liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later, she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood-curling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes. After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good!
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood-stained underpants, with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said :
“Honey, you were right all these years. You had warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked his wife.
“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out,and today it finally happened.”
“But by the grace of God,some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them BACK IN.......”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hgkmg/getting_your_farts_back_in/
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A Japanese woman is trying to exchange Yen for Dollars at a bank

With a baffled look on her face, she angrily demands, “Yesterday, it was 180 Yen to a dollar, today it’s 200. Why is that?”
The banker responds, “Fluctuations”
The woman snaps back, “Well, fuck you white people, too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hgk87/a_japanese_woman_is_trying_to_exchange_yen_for/
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What do you call a psychic that's running from the law and happens to be a little person?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hgius/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_thats_running_from_the/
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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hge5n/call_me_a_racist_if_you_want_but_south_of_the/
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They usually don't punish a doctor for losing a patient

But they immediately fired me, being a gynecologist is difficult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hgadd/they_usually_dont_punish_a_doctor_for_losing_a/
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For someone who's name is Amanda Victoria

A nickname is Manda Tory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hga6a/for_someone_whos_name_is_amanda_victoria/
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The Shepherd and the Poodle [Long]

A shepherd lives alone in a remote cabin with his small flock of sheep. Every day he brings the sheep out to the field to graze, and every evening he rounds them up and brings them back to their pen. His sheep are healthy, and he takes good care of them. Over time, lambs are born and his flock grows larger and larger, and it becomes more work for him to round them up in the evening. He decides he needs a sheep dog to help.
He goes to town one day to visit the tent of the dog merchant. He tells the dog merchant, "My flock has gotten too large for me to take care of myself, especially as I am getting older. When I was a young man, I had only 10 sheep, but now I am an elderly man with 33 sheep to tend! It is too much for me. I need a sheep dog to help me round them up at night."
The merchant points to an adult border collie and says, "This dog is a fully trained sheep herder. It has passed all the hardest tests and will round up your sheep entirely on his own. It costs 1,000 tasas."
"1,000 tasas!" says the shepherd. "I don't make that much in a whole season! Sadly, I can't afford that."
"Well," says the merchant, picking up a newborn puppy, "I can sell you one of these young sheep dogs. They are cheaper, but you would have to train it yourself, and it would be a few months before it would really be helpful to you. This one costs 100 tasas."
"That I can afford," says the shepherd, "but I don't think I can wait that long, plus I'd have the work of training the dog in addition to my regular work. Are there any other alternatives?"
The merchant thinks, and then leads the shepherd to the back corner of the tent. There a poodle sits alone in a small crate. "I know it is difficult to believe," says the merchant, "but this dog is excellent at rounding up sheep. He can do it in an instant, with no guidance. I have been unable to sell him though, because no one believes a poodle can be good at rounding up sheep. It has been such a frustration to me. Just to be rid of him, I will sell him to you for 250 tasas."
The shepherd thinks. This could be a cruel joke, and he could lose 250 tasas for nothing, but he really has no other options. He decides to take a chance. "Okay, I will trust you. I will purchase this dog."
The shepherd takes the poodle home. In the morning, the shepherd lets his 33 sheep out into the field, showing the poodle where they are grazing and where they have to return in the evening. The poodle looks on attentively.
In the evening, the shepherd leads the poodle out to the field. Nervously, and somewhat skeptically, he says to the poodle, "Okay, now I beg you, please do what was promised! Please round up these sheep!"
The poodle stands up, looks out at the field, his eyes darting from sheep to sheep, his lips silently moving as he speaks softly under his breath.
"35," he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hg9hn/the_shepherd_and_the_poodle_long/
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A group of men are out sailing when they decide to see what the chef is cooking for dinner.

They walk in and, being that he doesn’t have a rolling pin, see him flattening biscuits with his armpit.
“That’s disgusting!” One guy says to the other.
“Yeah, well you should see how he makes donuts!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hg8o3/a_group_of_men_are_out_sailing_when_they_decide/
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A cruise ship founders on a reef...

and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island.
After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Cindy Crawford.
They build a lean-to and find some food and water.
After a few weeks, it becomes clear that help is not on the way, so they start to get intimate.
The guy is clearly ecstatic for a couple of weeks, but one morning she awakes to find him moping under a tree.
"What's the matter?" Cindy says: "Is there anything I can do?"
"Well, I am a little shy about asking you," he replies: "But could you take some of that charcoal from the fire and paint a mustache on your face?"
"A mustache? Well... I... I suppose so", and she does it.
"Now, there's just one other thing. Can I call you Bob... like my friend?"
"Bob? Well... if it will make you feel better... all right."
"Great!" he cries, looks at her and says: "Bob! You're never gonna believe who I'm fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hg735/a_cruise_ship_founders_on_a_reef/
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I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hg4g1/im_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hg3xw/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar_and_find_his_way_to_a/
%
How come the lifeguard didn’t save the hippie

Because he was too far out man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hg3uo/how_come_the_lifeguard_didnt_save_the_hippie/
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A guy phoned the emergency hot line, please come quick, my son has just swallowed a condom, ten minutes later he phoned again saying don't bother.

I have found another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hg19z/a_guy_phoned_the_emergency_hot_line_please_come/
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Einstein was wrong

My girlfriend makes something out of nothing all the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hg0y9/einstein_was_wrong/
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How many LAPD Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They shoot the room for being black and then arrest it for being broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hfxvb/how_many_lapd_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A priest comes to a hotel and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread.

The staff thought it's a curious thing to ask for, but they nonetheless deliver.
Next year, the priest comes again, and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread. Staff members were really curious, so they decided to find out what he's doing with those items. So as they delivered the orange peel, needle and the thread, they left the door ever so slightly open so they could look in.
They peeked inside, but couldn't see quite well. They got a bit too close so the priest spotted them. Scared, the priest jumped out of the window. One of the staff members decided to follow, and he jumped out too, but he broke his leg on the landing. For the next year, he practiced jumping out of that window.
The priest came again, and asked for an orange peel, needle and a thread. Once again, the staff members were curious, and decided to try and see what he's doing with the items. They left the door ever so slightly open, and took a peek. The priest spotted them, and jumped out of the window, scared. The staff member followed.
The priest ran across the field, and the staff member followed, but got tired and passed out. For the next year, he trained so he gets his stamina up.
Next year, the priest came and asked for an orange peel, needle and a thread. The staff members were VERY curious at this point about what he's doing with an orange peel, needle and a thread. As they delivered the items, they left the door ever so slightly open, and took a peek. The priest spotted them, and he jumped out. The staff member followed. The priest ran across the field, and the staff member followed. The priest swum across the river, and the staff member tried but almost drowned, so decided to leave it until next year. He practiced swimming until the priest came.
Once again, the priest came and asked for an orange peel, needle and a thread. The staff members were mad with curiosity, so as they delivered the items, they left the door open. Took a peek, but the priest spotted them, and again jumped out of the window. The staff member followed. The priest ran across the field, and the staff member followed. The priest swum across the river, and the staff member followed. Then, the priest climbed on top of a tree, but the staff member couldn't. So for the next year, he practiced climbing on trees.
When the priest inevitably came back, and asked for an orange peel, needle and a thread, they delivered, and left the door open. They peeked inside, but the priest saw them and jumped out the window. The staff member followed. He ran across the field, and the staff member followed. He swum across the river, and the staff member followed. He climbed on top of the tree, and the staff member followed.
Angry, the priest finally decides to ask: "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?". The staff member replies, with the same, angry tone: "Every year. Every single god damn year you ask for an orange peel, needle and a thread. WHY. Just tell me WHY do you ask for those items?".
The priest pondered the question for a while, thinking whether he should answer it. The priest says: "Okay, I'll tell you, but you mustn't tell anyone else.".
And he never did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hfxlh/a_priest_comes_to_a_hotel_and_asks_for_an_orange/
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What's special about cats that can stand on two feet?

Nothing,They are meerkats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hfvin/whats_special_about_cats_that_can_stand_on_two/
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What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?

A Golden Receiver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hfv6y/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dog_and_an/
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Robot Secretary

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hfoy6/robot_secretary/
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Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hfnlm/father_son_you_were_adopted/
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I was hiking once with my girlfriend.

Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hfnc4/i_was_hiking_once_with_my_girlfriend/
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The blind man said he could see

So he picked up his hammer and saw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hfn3g/the_blind_man_said_he_could_see/
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How much lube does it take to have anal sex?

A butt load

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hfh5x/how_much_lube_does_it_take_to_have_anal_sex/
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A car can’t get high

But can a bus?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hff80/a_car_cant_get_high/
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What does a porn star and a US citizen have in common?

Both get fucked for a living

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hfc58/what_does_a_porn_star_and_a_us_citizen_have_in/
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I had a problem with my computer yesterday.

So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hfbt9/i_had_a_problem_with_my_computer_yesterday/
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Why are cows so complicated?

They’ve got a lot of mooing parts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hfbkd/why_are_cows_so_complicated/
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What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?

I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hf9ou/what_is_the_biggest_lie_in_the_entire_universe/
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Happy Cinco De-

Ported

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hf6vp/happy_cinco_de/
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A sly fox jumps over a impulsive lioness

Once there lived a sly fox in a vast jungle. He knew every nook and corner of the jungle. One day he went to the lion's den and started calling out the lion for a fight.
The fox said,"Come out, you coward lion. I'm gonna carve out your inside with my bare hands". But the lion didn't move an inch. He just kept sleeping. The lioness was baffled. She couldn't understand why the lion was not tearing apart the fox. "If you are the king of the jungle, come out of your den and fight me. I will show you who is the strongest", yelled the fox.
The lioness was furious with the lion's inaction. She roared, "Fine, I will do it myself". Before the lion could stop her, she was chasing after the fox.
As soon as the fox saw the lioness coming out of the den, he started to run as fast as he could. He turned to the left then to the right. The lioness was catching up to the fox. Just in front of the fox, there was a tree with bifurcated branch with just enough room for the fox. The fox jumped through the branch but the lioness got stuck between the branches. She tried to get out of the tree but all her efforts were in vein.
Suddenly, she felt something pushing her from behind. The fox was fucking her hard. He fucked her till he was satisfied. Then he went his way. The lioness somehow managed to get herself loose and returned to her den. The lion asked what had happened and she told him everything.
The lion then said, "That was what I was trying to say to you before you left. This is what exactly happened to me yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hf3pp/a_sly_fox_jumps_over_a_impulsive_lioness/
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A few years ago I got offered a job making rear view mirrors..

Looking back, I should've taken it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hf3ip/a_few_years_ago_i_got_offered_a_job_making_rear/
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What did the detective say while interrogating a clock accused of murder?

"LISTEN PUNK!  We know what makes you tick, and we have ways to make you tock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hf279/what_did_the_detective_say_while_interrogating_a/
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I hate the new Windows 10 update.

It puts me on Edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hf20e/i_hate_the_new_windows_10_update/
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When will mark zuckerberg die?

January 19 2038 of course

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hezyq/when_will_mark_zuckerberg_die/
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You're not a monk

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
(Don't know if this is original or not... But my mum just sent me this... And now I'm a little annoyed after spending the time to read this... )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8heyld/youre_not_a_monk/
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An engineer and a gender-studies grad walk into a McDonald

The gender-studies grad turns to engineer and says "Just wait here until I get behind the counter and take your order"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hexae/an_engineer_and_a_genderstudies_grad_walk_into_a/
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Three mice are at a bar arguing about who's the coolest.

The first one says, "When I see a mouse trap I grab the cheese with one hand and do a little workout with the other."
The second one scoffs and says, "Whenever I come across rat poison I chop it up with a razor and fucking snort it."
Suddenly the third one gets up from the table. The other two look at him and ask, "What's up? Did we leave you speechless?"
"You bore me", he answers, "I'm gonna go home and fuck the cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hesig/three_mice_are_at_a_bar_arguing_about_whos_the/
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Went to an Orgy Camp this weekend...

It was fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8herhv/went_to_an_orgy_camp_this_weekend/
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My girlfriend is irreplaceable.

Wish I kept the receipt now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8her5r/my_girlfriend_is_irreplaceable/
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Son: Mom, why is my sister called Teresa?

Mom: Because Teresa is an Anagram of Easter and we love Easter!
Son: Oh I see. Thanks mom!
Mom: My pleasure Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hentv/son_mom_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husband and the dead cow, and hangs herself to death because she doesn't know what to do.
About an hour later, the younger sister comes home, sees the disturbing sights in the barn, and not being able to handle it, drowns herself in the river. It's at this time that the oldest son wakes up, he's about 32. He comes out to the barn to see where everyone is, and sees the sight on the ground. "Ah no, MA!! PA!! The cow! How could this happen, I'll do anything to bring them back, anything!" **POOF** A female leprechaun shows up, and tells the son "I'll bring your family back if you can fuck me five times, if you can't, I'll kill you." The son gets to it, he fucks the leprechaun twice and the leprechaun kills him.
Two hours later the middle son, about 25 years old returns, sees the sight in the barn and the leprechaun still hanging around. "Ahh, leprechaun what have you done!" to which the leprechaun replies "I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me five times, if you can't, I'll kill you." The son gets to it, he fucks the leprechaun three times and the leprechaun kills him.
Now, the youngest son comes home, he's about fifteen, he sees the sight in the barn, notices the leprechaun who again, says "I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me five times, if you can't, I'll kill you.". The son says "What if I fuck you fifteen times?" - "I'll give you riches beyond belief and bring your family back.." "And if I fuck you twenty times?" the leprechaun replies - "I'll make you King of Ireland, give you unlimited wealth and power in addition to bringing your family back." "And if I fuck you fifty times?" - the leprechaun, extremely excited, replies "I'll make you ruler of the world, bring your family back, unlimited wealth and power, anything you can dream of!" The son says "Alright" and takes his pants off. Before anything can happen he says "Wait, how do I know you'll survive" to which the leprechaun replies "What do you mean?"
The son says, "The cow didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hen70/ill_bring_your_family_back_to_life_if_you_can/
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My wife says I'm like Pinnochio in the bedroom.

"Because every time I see you my thing gets bigger and bigger?" I asked
"No. You're a liar and your performances are wooden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hemrd/my_wife_says_im_like_pinnochio_in_the_bedroom/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8heflt/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number_she_said/
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I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I’ll be in my lab…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8heeks/im_a_scientist_whos_researching_bestiality/
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When birds get married, who do they marry?

Their tweet-hearts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hedoc/when_birds_get_married_who_do_they_marry/
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I once called the cops on an asshat who parked in a handicap spot...

They came to check it out, found he had priors and warrants. They took him off to jail right after they figured out what to do with his wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8he9fr/i_once_called_the_cops_on_an_asshat_who_parked_in/
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What did God become when he lost his confidence?

An atheist, because he stopped believing in himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8he92c/what_did_god_become_when_he_lost_his_confidence/
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Did you hear about the cross-eyed circumciser?

He got the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8he7pn/did_you_hear_about_the_crosseyed_circumciser/
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what do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8he737/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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What trousers did Mendel wear?

Genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8he6td/what_trousers_did_mendel_wear/
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During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."
The patient said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
“Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8he2tb/during_his_routine_medical_check_the_long/
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A Journalist Visits a Boxing Gym...

A reporter for a well known New York newspaper was visiting a boxing gym, to investigate the importance of boxing to New York's culture. This gym had a reputation for producing some of the toughest boxers in today's game, but no one knew how. To get the most authentic story possible, he signed himself up as a trainee and went along to the first session.
It turned out he was far from the only applicant. He and thirty other young, healthy men and women waited eagerly in the reception until told to go through to the main gym. They were then greeted by the most gigantic and chiseled man they had ever seen. He said:
'Right, all of you line up. Today we are going to see who has the stomach for real boxing.'
And so they did. The Reporter found himself a spot near the further end of the gym and waited nervously to begin. After all, he didn't really want to box, he just wanted the story. Much to his surprise, the giant walked up to the first in the line and threw out a jab, right at his jaw. The man crumpled.
'He will not do.'
Then he moved to the next who, after seeing the first man fall, was expecting the jab. But the boxer threw a hook instead and caught him across the nose. It shattered, and he wobbled back, but stayed on his feet.
'He will do.'
This process continued on for another fifteen minutes or so. The gym floor was slick with blood in many places and the pained grunts of a dozen different voices could be heard, while the boxer worked his way down the line, practising every strike he knew. Seeing the herd being thinned quicker and quicker as people started leaving made the reporter more nervous the closer it came to his turn. Even more worrying was the glowing grin that was growing on the boxers face after each felled applicant.
It was too much. When it came to his turn, the reporter yelled:
'Stop! I don't want to box, I'm a journalist! Tell me why you are doing this and let me go.'
With a smile that almost did not fit on his face, the boxer replied:
'You see, the most important part of this sport, this culture, this gym, is absolutely and always, without a doubt, the Punch-Line.'
(P.S: just dreamed this and wrote it still waking up lol)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hdvel/a_journalist_visits_a_boxing_gym/
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I read this whole sub twice...

Without even needing to reload the page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hduyf/i_read_this_whole_sub_twice/
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Polio is a lot like how Japan was in World War 2.

Two drops and you'll be able to get rid of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hdupm/polio_is_a_lot_like_how_japan_was_in_world_war_2/
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day

Give a fish a man and he'll eat for a week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hdsg0/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're very good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hdovd/why_do_you_never_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
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Why can't women in Texas legally get tattoos?

It is the code of the west... never draw on a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hdnlt/why_cant_women_in_texas_legally_get_tattoos/
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3 men walk into a bar. The first one gets naked and sells his clothes. The second one punches himself with a chair and sues the barman. The third one challenges a service dog to a dance-off for a reward. Who made the biggest profit that night?

Their drug dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hdm0n/3_men_walk_into_a_bar_the_first_one_gets_naked/
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Customer: "Could i have a margarita with light ice?"

Bartender: "I'm sorry, but all our ice weighs the same."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hdlaw/customer_could_i_have_a_margarita_with_light_ice/
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What's the most popular game in Hawaii right now?

The floor is lava!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hdkeh/whats_the_most_popular_game_in_hawaii_right_now/
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They say confidence is key...

... I guess that's why I'm always locked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hdhch/they_say_confidence_is_key/
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A quick-thinking Walmart greeter . . .

So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids.  She was yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.  So I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
This boorish woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hdgl0/a_quickthinking_walmart_greeter/
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Lubrication is the way to go....

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.He didn’t have much luck until he came across a Harley which had a ‘for sale’ sign on it.The bike looks better than a new one and although it’s 10 years old.It’s shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for ten years.
“Well it’s quite simple,” says the seller.”Whenever the bike is outside,and it’s gonna rain,rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain”,he says,and hands over a jar of Vaseline to Joe.
That night,his girlfriend Sandra invited him over to meet her parents.Naturally,they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house,Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family.When we eat dinner,we don’t talk.In fact,the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”
“No problem”,he says...and in they go.
Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the room,is a huge stack of dirty dishes.In the kitchen,is another huge stack of dishes.Piled on the stairs,in the corridor,everywhere he looks.Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner,and sure enough,no one says anything.As dinner progresses,Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.He leans over and kisses Sandra.No one says a word.He reaches over and fondles her breasts.Nobody says a word.So he stands up,grabs her,rips her clothes off,throws her on the table and does her,right then and there in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered,her dad is obviously livid and her mum horrified,but when he sits back down,no one says a word.
He looks at his gf’s mom.She’s got a great body too.Joe grabs mom,has his way with her too and sits back down.His girlfriend is furious,her dad is boiling,and Mom is beaming from ear to ear.But still...Total silence.
All of a sudden,there’s a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike,so he pulls out the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts, “Oh for God’s sake,I’ll do the damn dishes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hdbq5/lubrication_is_the_way_to_go/
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When Juan told me he was scratching himself during a questionnaire, I was surprised.

After all, nobody expects the Spanish in-quiz itching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hd6oo/when_juan_told_me_he_was_scratching_himself/
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My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hd1mv/my_friend_just_asked_me_if_you_became_invisible/
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What do you call a house that turns into a wolf during a full moon?

A warehouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hcwwg/what_do_you_call_a_house_that_turns_into_a_wolf/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him and says:"I'm sick of all these con- ferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea! Let's switch places then!" Einstein says.
They switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hcwkj/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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Are My Testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.  That was wonderful.  Now listen very, very closely: Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hcw1z/are_my_testicles_black/
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What is it called when you have really bad sex in a car?

Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hct1d/what_is_it_called_when_you_have_really_bad_sex_in/
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I guess what happened to Gamora in Infinity War

was definitely not a cliffhanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hcsf4/i_guess_what_happened_to_gamora_in_infinity_war/
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Superstitious Golfer

The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hcrqd/superstitious_golfer/
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A couple are walking through a park

after a while, they walk past a dog which is sitting on the ground licking its balls.
The husband says "I really wish I could do that..."
His wife rolls her eyes and replies "well, I suggest you pet him first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hcrhq/a_couple_are_walking_through_a_park/
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You know what's great about being a medical examiner?

Not having to wait until you go home to crack open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hcqkg/you_know_whats_great_about_being_a_medical/
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My wife got mad at me for crossdressing

so I packed her clothes and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hcny0/my_wife_got_mad_at_me_for_crossdressing/
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Why is so difficult to have sex in outer space?

No atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hckgp/why_is_so_difficult_to_have_sex_in_outer_space/
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I almost failed out of beauty school

But they let me take a make-up exam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hcfnk/i_almost_failed_out_of_beauty_school/
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Did you guys hear about the frog that became a best-selling author?

His work was absolutely ribbiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hcd31/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_frog_that_became_a/
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Why did the political theory class think their teacher was being unfair?

He gave the whole class the same Marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hcbt5/why_did_the_political_theory_class_think_their/
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What did the old man say to the prettiest nurse at the nursing home?

"Help! I've fallen for you and I can't get it up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hca3s/what_did_the_old_man_say_to_the_prettiest_nurse/
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Fish composed of 2 sodium atoms?

2Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hc9zo/fish_composed_of_2_sodium_atoms/
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I just saw a midget escaping from prison by climbing down the wall! Half way down, he turned his head and grimaced at me.

I thought: “That’s a little condescending.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hc8ss/i_just_saw_a_midget_escaping_from_prison_by/
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Whos squidwards favorite rapper

FUUUUUUTTTUUURRREEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hc45s/whos_squidwards_favorite_rapper/
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Two fleas (NSFW)

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.
The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea says, "That's the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by... When the first flea shows up in Miami he shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea. "I did exactly what you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hc0ym/two_fleas_nsfw/
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What did the puppet say when he was depressed

I'm going to Kermit suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hbzg8/what_did_the_puppet_say_when_he_was_depressed/
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A fun bit of history

Most people don't realize that back in 1912 Hellmanns was produced in England.
The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment that was scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was the next port of call for the ill fated ship after its stop in NY.  This would have been the largest single shipment of the condiment ever delivered to Mexico at the time.
And the ship sank.
The Mexican people loved the condiment so much, and the loss was so devastating tgat the Mexican people declared a national day of mourning the day the shipment qas suppose d to arrive.  This tradition is observed every year of course on May fifth, otherwise known by the locals as Sinko de Mayo.
Cheers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hby8z/a_fun_bit_of_history/
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Lost Tooth

Mother: Babe our daughter lost her first tooth
Father: I Know , I bet she won’t touch my Xbox again
Mother: WHAT!!!!
Father: What??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hbxml/lost_tooth/
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A man joins an order of Monks.

A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hbwpr/a_man_joins_an_order_of_monks/
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An 11 year old girl realized she began to grow hair between her legs.

She immediately got worried and asked her mom about the hair. Her mom calmly replied,
“That part where the hair is grown is called a monkey. You should be proud your monkey has grown hair!”
The young girl was excited and went to sleep.
The next morning, the young girl went up to her older sister Jessica during breakfast and exclaimed,
“Jessie! My monkey has grown hair!”
Her sister laughed and smiled while she told her,
“My monkey is already eating bananas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hbvbw/an_11_year_old_girl_realized_she_began_to_grow/
%
A man goes to an asylum and asks

“How do you admit your patients?” The psychiatrist says “ Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub”. The man replies “I see, so the sane person would take the bucket”, and the psychiatrist replies “No, the sane person will pull the drain plug. Would you like your room to have a balcony sir?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hbv8r/a_man_goes_to_an_asylum_and_asks/
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I don't understand when someone donates a kidney they get praised a hero,

But when I donate 5, I get arrested?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hbp2a/i_dont_understand_when_someone_donates_a_kidney/
%
Wanna hear my joke about a piece of paper?

Nevermind, it's *tear*able

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hbmvy/wanna_hear_my_joke_about_a_piece_of_paper/
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A hot blonde makes a decision.......

A hot blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is okay.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hbl10/a_hot_blonde_makes_a_decision/
%
What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer?

A milk sheikh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hbhhf/what_do_you_call_an_arabic_dairy_farmer/
%
My baby is costing a fortune in import costs.

It only drinks milk that comes from a broad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hbelm/my_baby_is_costing_a_fortune_in_import_costs/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just beat the shit out of the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hbds7/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
A pianist performing in a subway terminal...

was playing beautifully.  I was only offput by the weird looking kid with a dunce cap sitting atop the piano.
Suddenly, the weird looking kid with the dunce cap jumped up and scurried off.  The piano player abruptly stopped playing.
I asked him, "why did you stop playing?"
To which he replied, "I cannot play piano without my metro-gnome."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hbc9z/a_pianist_performing_in_a_subway_terminal/
%
A pregnant woman walks into a bank

and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."
As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!"
Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" The mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you know?"
The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.
A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"
"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
"No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hb9sh/a_pregnant_woman_walks_into_a_bank/
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How is it called in Australia, when they need to restart the song from the beginning at the club?

A DJ redo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hb637/how_is_it_called_in_australia_when_they_need_to/
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Two competitive best friends do everything together, so they decide to marry their girlfriends on the same day.

They have a joint ceremony, joint reception, and afterwards they go on a joint honeymoon.
While staying in a beautiful hotel, the first man turns to the second and says: “I’m going to have sex with my wife for hours tonight”
The second turns back and says “Well I’m going to go until sunrise”
However, they don’t want to piss off their wives by comparing tallies.
“How about this: however many times you have sex with your wife, order that many slices of toast at breakfast. I’ll do the same, and we’ll see who wins. Deal?”
“Deal.”
The next morning comes around and the first man looks smug. The waiter comes to take his order for breakfast.
“Yes. I would like 8 slices of toast please”
The first man looks at the second, who raises his eyebrows in surprise.
“And you sir?”
“I’ll also have 8 slices, but make four of them brown”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hb2q7/two_competitive_best_friends_do_everything/
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Fly in the beer

*this was my (very Irish) great uncle’s go-to joke. RIP Uncle Ed*
An Italian, a Russian, and an Irishman walk into a bar and ask the bartender for a beer. Just after the bartender sets down their drinks, three flies buzz through the air and PLINK! PLINK! PLINK! a fly drops into each drink.
The Italian, disgusted, calls over the bartender and requests a new beer.
The Russian looks at the fly, shrugs his shoulders, and scoops the fly out of the beer, tosses it aside, and starts drinking his drink.
The Irishman, angrily muttering to himself the whole time, gingerly grabs the fly by the wing and carefully sets him on the edge of the glass.
“Now you listen here you sonofabitch! That’s my beer! Spit it out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hb2ck/fly_in_the_beer/
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What do you call a dinosaur that picks its scabs?

An open-sore-us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8haz27/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_that_picks_its_scabs/
%
A golfer brought a extra pair of socks when he went golfing,

Just in case  he got a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hayp8/a_golfer_brought_a_extra_pair_of_socks_when_he/
%
I've just been told by my doctor that I'm color blind

It completely came out of the orange

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hauqh/ive_just_been_told_by_my_doctor_that_im_color/
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What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hat8m/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
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A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest...

A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest, “I had and afair with another woman... almost”.
The priest says, “ Well what do you mean almost?” And to that the man replies, “ We took our clothes off, rubbed together, but then I stopped”.
The priest then replies, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in, to be forgived for your sins you must do 5 Hail Mary’s and put $50 into the donation box”.
Sighing the man does his Hail Mary’s and then walks up to the donation box. He pauses at the donation box and then goes to leave. The priest sees this and runs over shouting, “I saw that you didnt put any money into the donation box!”
The man turns, looks at the priest, and then says, “I dont have to put any money in, I rubbed my $50 against the box”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hasu9/a_married_man_goes_into_a_confessional_and_says/
%
Everyone has a funny bone.

Mine is my humorous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8haqwq/everyone_has_a_funny_bone/
%
What does Captain Kirk do on the toilet ?

He makes a Captain’s log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hapm3/what_does_captain_kirk_do_on_the_toilet/
%
What was ruined because too many people started doing it?

Sex with my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hap6z/what_was_ruined_because_too_many_people_started/
%
What animal has the largest breasts?

The Zebra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hap1o/what_animal_has_the_largest_breasts/
%
I learned that my sister was into Beastieality

Well I’ll be a monkeys uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8haof2/i_learned_that_my_sister_was_into_beastieality/
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I might not have the nicest penis in the world

But we’ve been through some shit together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8halkd/i_might_not_have_the_nicest_penis_in_the_world/
%
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Cinco De Mayo?

On Cinco De Mayo, not everybody pretends to be Mexican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8haje0/whats_the_difference_between_st_patricks_day_and/
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Fucked up duck

So, there's this farmer, it's finally his sons 18th birthday and being rather poor, the farmer doesn't have much to give his son. He gives him what he can, the day off for him to go into town, and a duck that he can sell for fifty bucks.
Kid goes on his way into town, first place he goes is the whorehouse. The prostitute won't let him in because he doesn't have any money, so he gives her the duck. They go off and have sex, as the kids walking away, the whore comes running back and give the kid his duck back, and asks him to fuck her again as he's got a big dick and he was the best fuck she's ever had.
The kid gleefully takes the duck back and gives the whore a good dicking down again. An hour passes and the kids on his way back home, duck gets away from him and gets hit by a truck. The trucker stops, gets out and apologizes to the kid, kid says "It was my birthday present, the only one I've ever had." so the trucker forks over $50, feeling like an asshole and drives off.
Another hour passes and the kid gets home, Dad asks him how his day went, kid replies "Not bad, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and fifty bucks for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hahwj/fucked_up_duck/
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This year they had the bondage competition

It ended in a tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hag1d/this_year_they_had_the_bondage_competition/
%
What do you call a little person in a wheelchair?

A midget spinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8haevq/what_do_you_call_a_little_person_in_a_wheelchair/
%
What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

Very hungry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hadu2/what_did_the_homeless_man_get_for_christmas/
%
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8hada2/whats_the_difference_between_a_new_husband_and_a/
%
What's the difference between a blow job and anal sex ?

One makes your whole day the other your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8haclr/whats_the_difference_between_a_blow_job_and_anal/
%
I feel really gay having just eaten burger and fries

I'm just so happy to have Five Guys inside of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8habh3/i_feel_really_gay_having_just_eaten_burger_and/
%
Some idiot attacked me at the local park tonight with a bat...

I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8haal5/some_idiot_attacked_me_at_the_local_park_tonight/
%
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ha7qr/people_always_ask_where_i_got_my_incredibly/
%
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding...

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
“My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ha6wa/a_tough_looking_group_of_hairy_bikers_are_riding/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy, the other is lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ha4nx/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
"How much longer are we going to have endure this erupting volcano full of hot air and gas" asked the Hawaiian

"I don't know, but turn off Twitter for a short term solution"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ha4l5/how_much_longer_are_we_going_to_have_endure_this/
%
A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently, "in HD" was not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ha39e/a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
%
There are 10 kinds of people in the world...

Those who know binary and those who don't.
(Stolen from my favorite t-shirt. This must have  been posted here before but I haven't seen it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ha2jr/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ha0v1/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
Putin is sitting at his desk, waiting upon the results of the recent election

An election official walks in and announces himself.
"Mr. Putin, I have good news and bad news. Which would you prefer to hear first?"
"Let me hear the good news first", Putin says.
"Okay, good news is that you've won the election! Congratulations!"
"And the bad news?"
"Nobody voted for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ha0c3/putin_is_sitting_at_his_desk_waiting_upon_the/
%
Just flew in from Chernobyl..

..and boy are my arms legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h9xvq/just_flew_in_from_chernobyl/
%
If I have to hear any more jokes about soy sauce

I will Kikkoman!
Sorry, maybe I'll Shoyu a better joke Tamari.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h9tdd/if_i_have_to_hear_any_more_jokes_about_soy_sauce/
%
Describe Refusalism in four words.

No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h9r3y/describe_refusalism_in_four_words/
%
A cop pulled a guy over for speeding after waiting in the same spot for hours..

“I’be been waiting for you all day” the cop said as he approached the vehicle.
The guy replied, “yeah, well I got here as fast as I could”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h9q8w/a_cop_pulled_a_guy_over_for_speeding_after/
%
Why do so many Incels take a tour to the Statue of Liberty?

So they can finally get into a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h9mod/why_do_so_many_incels_take_a_tour_to_the_statue/
%
Imagine if the Americans switched from pounds to kilograms...

There would be mass confusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h9mjo/imagine_if_the_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
a guy gets pulled over at the end of a bridge for speeding

The police officer walks up to his car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?"
The driver, rudely says "No officer - but I'm sure you're aware, so why don't you enlighten both of us?"
The police officer, recognizing the driver's attitude, attempts to take him down a notch.  "What kind of work do you do?" he asks the driver.
"I'm an asshole stretcher" the driver retorts.
"An asshole stretcher..? Well how the hell do you stretch an asshole?" the police officer asks.
"Well.." says the driver..."you start off with 2 fingers in their ass... then 3... then 4... then you get the next hand in... then you start clapping, like this..." *demonstrates the hand clapping*...
"then you stretch it 6 inches... a foot... 2 feet... 4 feet..." *still demonstrating a wide clapping motion*
"I can stretch an asshole up to 6 feet" he brags.
"Well what the hell are you gonna do with a 6 foot asshole?" asks the police officer.
"Hand it a radar gun, and stick it on the end of a bridge.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h9j90/a_guy_gets_pulled_over_at_the_end_of_a_bridge_for/
%
My wife isn't always right...

... for example; earlier this year she thought she was wrong, but it turned out she was mistaken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h9ic8/my_wife_isnt_always_right/
%
Wanna hear an inside joke?

Ask your parents how you were born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h9i76/wanna_hear_an_inside_joke/
%
A man walks into a pharmacy

and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he brings a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and places them on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo-oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own...so does she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h9fyy/a_man_walks_into_a_pharmacy/
%
Why did the old lady fall down the well?

She couldn’t see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h9ese/why_did_the_old_lady_fall_down_the_well/
%
I had a dream about an ocean of orange soda...

Sadly, it was just a Fanta-sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h9d51/i_had_a_dream_about_an_ocean_of_orange_soda/
%
What's the difference between an American teenage girl and a Muslim teenage girl?

The American teenage girl gets stoned *before* sex!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h9cw9/whats_the_difference_between_an_american_teenage/
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I've noticed no one here tells your mother jokes

It's because she never understands them, isn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h8yrv/ive_noticed_no_one_here_tells_your_mother_jokes/
%
Two Irishmen meet at a pub.

They start talking about their lives, when one thinks the other one looks familiar.
"What city were you born in?" he asked.
"Dublin," said the other.
"Same here, let's drink a toast to Dublin."
When they've finished their drinks, they carry on with the questions. Dublin was a big city, after all.
"What school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's."
"Wow, I went to the same school! How about a toast for St. Mary's?"
They order another beer and celebrate how much of a small world it was. The first Irishman began to wonder if they were in the same class. He was certain the other man was familiar, but the alcohol was already muddying his senses.
"What year did you graduate?"
"2003."
"This is so crazy, I was in the same year. We have to drink for the class of '03."
A third Irishman walks into the bar and sees the two men doing this routine and getting intoxicated. He turns to the barman and asks:
"What are they doing?"
The barman looks at him with exasperated eyes and says,
"The O'Brien twins are drunk again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h8vsv/two_irishmen_meet_at_a_pub/
%
What do they call an orgy in England?

A Gloucester fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h8vp9/what_do_they_call_an_orgy_in_england/
%
I bought a dog from a blacksmith today.

As soon as I brought him home, he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h8tzo/i_bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith_today/
%
Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day.

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h8tmg/give_a_nigerian_a_fish_hell_eat_for_a_day/
%
The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve

It was an Apple
With an extremely limited memory.
Just one byte
Then everything crashed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h8pol/the_oldest_computer_can_be_traced_to_adam_and_eve/
%
What's an Italian baker's favourite book?

*Focaccia in the Rye*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h8p3f/whats_an_italian_bakers_favourite_book/
%
As a supplier for paramilitary troops, i can confirm...

Nobody has ever complained about their parachute not opening mid-flight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h8o2z/as_a_supplier_for_paramilitary_troops_i_can/
%
Why was the Valve developer crying?

He was having a Half-Life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h8lgv/why_was_the_valve_developer_crying/
%
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a dude...

They feel great at first, but then you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h8kze/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blowjob_from_a/
%
What is a man's most sensitive organ when masturbating?

His ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h8kgq/what_is_a_mans_most_sensitive_organ_when/
%
What’s the difference between a school and a terrorist compound?

I don’t know, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h8dql/whats_the_difference_between_a_school_and_a/
%
When does Gordon Ramsay not like a subreddit?

When it's r/aww.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h8ac2/when_does_gordon_ramsay_not_like_a_subreddit/
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A pansexual enters a room full of obese nymphomaniacs

No one has room to judge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h87bb/a_pansexual_enters_a_room_full_of_obese/
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The only B word you should call a girl is Beautiful

because bitches love it when you call them beautiful.
-PaPaCy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h8753/the_only_b_word_you_should_call_a_girl_is/
%
A priest and a nun are traveling across the Sahara...

on a missionary trip when the camel they were traveling on died, falling and crushing their water supply. The priest looks at the young, attractive nun and thinks "If we are to die in the service of our lord, surely he will forgive an old man one indulgence."
He looks to the nun, takes off his pants, and tells her, "I have something to show you."
"My Goodness!" the young, naive nun exclaims. "What is that?"
The priest responds "It's my staff of life. A man puts it inside a woman to bring life into this world."
"Staff of life?" she says. "Thank God! Shove that thing up the camels ass and let's get the hell outta here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h84qy/a_priest_and_a_nun_are_traveling_across_the_sahara/
%
This guy stopped me in the street.

"Sir," he said, "have you got a few minutes to complete a survey on priorities?"
I said, "Yes," and walked away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h80vw/this_guy_stopped_me_in_the_street/
%
Two peanut walk into a bar

One was a-salted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7yxy/two_peanut_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My friend told me to run.

I'm fat. I don't run.
Thats just how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7xj1/my_friend_told_me_to_run/
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What does a vegan zombie eat?

GRAAAAINS!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7whv/what_does_a_vegan_zombie_eat/
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What do humans and vampires have in common?

Both die when you stick a wooden stake in their hearts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7tus/what_do_humans_and_vampires_have_in_common/
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A preschool teacher is teaching a student basic geography

Teacher: "what state do you live in?"
Student: "denial."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7t35/a_preschool_teacher_is_teaching_a_student_basic/
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10 years ago I married my best friend.

My wife is still really angry about it. But me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7qpo/10_years_ago_i_married_my_best_friend/
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Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”

Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7p0w/poodle_my_life_is_a_mess_my_owner_is_mean_my/
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A nun was about to take a bath..

She undressed and just as she dipped her holy toe in the water she hears a faint knock on the front door. "Who is it?" she calls. "It's the blind man from down the road!"  Shuffling around, unable to find her towel, the nun races to the door and decides it would be okay to open the door. As she opens the door she is greeted with a bright smile. "Good morning sister. Lovely pair of tits you have. Now where do you want these blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7o55/a_nun_was_about_to_take_a_bath/
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Dad, where does Poo come from?

A daughter goes up to a father, and asks "Dad, where does poo come from?".
Father: Well, when you have something to eat, your body breaks it all down and then your stomach turns it into poo. A bit of time after you eat, you might need to go to the toilet and that's where poo comes from! It's just your stomach breaking down what you eat!
Daughter: Okay, what about Tigger and Eeyore?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7m75/dad_where_does_poo_come_from/
%
Never fight someone who recently smoked weed.

They tend to have the high ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7l9f/never_fight_someone_who_recently_smoked_weed/
%
Unbutton my blouse..

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand...
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7jvq/unbutton_my_blouse/
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My wife asked if I had paid the Water and Electric bills.

Of course, I had forgotten to, but not wanting to lie or admit fault, I just told her that they were both current.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7jnj/my_wife_asked_if_i_had_paid_the_water_and/
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There was a king he had 10 wild dogs.

He used them to torture and eat all ministers who made mistakes.
So one of the minister’s once gave an opinion which was wrong, and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.
So the minister said,
"I served you 10 years and you do this..?
Please give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!
So the king agreed
In those 10 days the minister went to the guard that was guarding the dogs and told him he wants to serve the dogs for the next 10 day.
The guard was baffled but he agreed.
So the minister started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.
So when the 10 days were up.
The king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs for his punishment.
But when he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. They saw the dogs licking the feet of the minister!
So the king baffled at what he saw… Said:” what happened to the dogs? !!!”
The minister then said;”
I served the dogs for 10 days and they remembered my service…
Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!
So the king realised his mistake
and
Got crocodiles instead 😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7j3u/there_was_a_king_he_had_10_wild_dogs/
%
My son asked me if I wanted him to lightly water my lawn.

I said, “just dew it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7gq8/my_son_asked_me_if_i_wanted_him_to_lightly_water/
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Had a glass of milk before bed... slept like a baby!

Woke up screaming four times and crapped my pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7gin/had_a_glass_of_milk_before_bed_slept_like_a_baby/
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What did Poseidon say to the giant squid?

What’s Kraken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7dpf/what_did_poseidon_say_to_the_giant_squid/
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My penis was in the Guiness World Book

Then the librarian told me i had to take it out or she would call security

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h7by3/my_penis_was_in_the_guiness_world_book/
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For all those who like to compare a situation with Star Wars to explain it better,

Metaphors be with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h772j/for_all_those_who_like_to_compare_a_situation/
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Why do computer scientists confuse halloween with christmas?

Because
Oct 31 = Dec 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h728y/why_do_computer_scientists_confuse_halloween_with/
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Why is 'dark' not written 'darc'?

Because you can't see in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h6z5c/why_is_dark_not_written_darc/
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h6wnv/two_married_buddies_are_out_drinking_one_night/
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If farmer A sells apple's, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h6vs1/if_farmer_a_sells_apples_farmer_b_sells_bananas/
%
I couldn't be happier with my wife.

As soon as I show any hint of excitement or passion she immediately shuts me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h6rew/i_couldnt_be_happier_with_my_wife/
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Where's the spoon?

A man is sitting in a restaurant and calls the waiter over.
Man: Try the soup.
Waiter: What is wrong with the soup? Is it too salty?
Man: Just try the soup.
Waiter: Is the soup too hot?
Man: Just try the soup!
Waiter: Is the soup too cold?
Man: JUST TRY THE GODDAMN SOUP!!
Waiter: Fine. Where's the spoon?
Man: That's the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h6qmc/wheres_the_spoon/
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Why are transgender people rarely seen with their children?

Because they're transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h6p9w/why_are_transgender_people_rarely_seen_with_their/
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What’s the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h6lty/whats_the_difference_between_an_inlaw_and_an/
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Did you hear about the doctor that ignored an eye infection and went blind?

He examined himself, but couldn't see anything wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h6irw/did_you_hear_about_the_doctor_that_ignored_an_eye/
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My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man what a weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h6h0h/my_girlfriend_yelled_at_me_today_saying_you/
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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h6gpn/white_people_dont_shoot_each_other_in_the_streets/
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NSFW jack and jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy, but jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock cuz Jill's real name was Randy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h6903/nsfw_jack_and_jill/
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Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h66oo/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
%
A man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs it and suddenly a genie appears.
"Tell me your wish." The genie booms.
The man, who was a frequent viewer of r/Jokes knew that this genie would not be as it seems. It had to have some sort of drawback. He decides to test the genie's abilities.
"Is there going to be a catch for my wish? Like, me wishing for a foot long penis and you only giving me a 12-inch piano player?" The man asks.
"All the wishes I have granted are of perfect standard. In the last 3000 years, no one has ever criticized my ability to grant wishes. Therefore, mortal, I am willing to bet. If your desired wish comes back to bite you, I will personally give you infinite wishes to use at any time. If your wish does not, then you must let me free from this prison. Deal?"
The man sees a glimmer of freedom in the genie's eyes. It is obvious that this genie will do anything to get out of his lamp. The man thinks for a moment, then says,
"I wish for a boomerang with teeth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5zie/a_man_finds_a_magic_lamp/
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[Adult] An accountant is sent to prison for tax fraud...

As soon as he is escorted to his cell he is confronted by his new cellmate - 6'3" tall, 280 lbs of muscles... the skinny little accountant realizes all of his fears have come true. His new cellmate towers over him and says "Looks like you and me are gonna be here a long time... wouldn't you agree, boy?"
The accountant, not wanting to upset the muscular behemoth in front of him, nods profusely..."uh... yes sir... long time, sir...", pushing his glasses back up properly on his nose.
"Well alright then..." says his cellmate. "Well, we gonna be real close during that time... kinda like a man.... and a wife... wouldn't you agree, boy?"
"Uh...yes sir... man and wife... yes sir..." the accountant repeats nervously, afraid of the impending result of this conversation.
"Well alright then..." continues his cellmate. "Now... what do you want to be...the man.. or the wife...?"
The accountant breathes a nervous sigh of relief. "Well sir... I'd like to be the husband..."
"well alright then..." the cellmate nods.  He starts to remove his pants, unleashing the biggest penis the accountant has ever seen.
His cellmate continues..."Now get over here, and suck your wife's cock..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5vph/adult_an_accountant_is_sent_to_prison_for_tax/
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I asked my French friend if he likes to play video games.

He said, “Wii.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5rmq/i_asked_my_french_friend_if_he_likes_to_play/
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5rds/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_rubber_toe/
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A women in labor suddenly starts shouting, “SHOULDN’T, WOULDN’T, COULDN’T, CAN’T”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor.
“Those are just contractions”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5rc2/a_women_in_labor_suddenly_starts_shouting/
%
You should be careful eating wookie meat

It could be chewie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5r4c/you_should_be_careful_eating_wookie_meat/
%
My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down.

After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5p5q/my_friend_had_purchased_an_extra_standup_comedy/
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I’ve invented a new word!

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5p4i/ive_invented_a_new_word/
%
In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5gw0/in_a_pinch_you_can_cut_the_fingers_off_of_rubber/
%
Long walk, short piss

A gentleman, who had been in the bar for some time, approaches the bartender.
“Hey barkeep,” the man said, “are you a betting man?”
“What barman isn’t?”
“I’ll bet you five bucks that I can bite my own elbow,” the customer posed.
“Well if you can, I’d pay five to see it.” The bartender accepted.
The customer then removed his dentures and clamped them onto his elbow. The bartender was expectedly irritated, but he was not one to Welch on a bet and he reached for his tip jar to pay up.
“Now wait just a minute,” the customer said, interrupting the barman. “I feel like I cheated you. I’ll make another wager. Double or nothing, I bet you I can lick my own eyeball.”
Bartenders are indeed all betting men, so he, of course, agreed to the terms.
The customer popped out his glass eye and gave it a healthy lick.
Now the bartender was pissed, he had lost a ten bucks!
“Alright, alright, that was kind of fucked. I’ll give you a chance to make it all back, and then some,” the customer mused. “Fifty bucks says you can slide a pint glass down the length of the bar, and I’ll piss into it as it slides, not spilling a drop.”
The barman wanted to see this happen, (what a story!) not to mention turn his initial five into a cool fifty burger, so he eagerly agrees.
The customer ambles onto the bar top, the pint glass slides down the bar, and the customer whips it out and takes aim. He misses horribly, pissing on the bar, splashing all over the floor, the bartender, and even a customer or three.
The bartender is elated, all smiles and cheers. “I knew it you son of a bitch I won the bet! Haha!”
Just then, the guy occupying the back corner booth, curses, flips his table, throws a pile of money on the floor and storms out.
“What the fuck is up with that guy?!” The giddy, piss-soaked bartender questioned.
“Well I bet that fool $1,000 I could piss on your bar and on you and you’d jump for joy,” the customer replied slyly as he collected his winnings and slunk out of the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5ghz/long_walk_short_piss/
%
I want to talk about Infinity War spoilers but...

I want to wait for the dust to settle a bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5ghf/i_want_to_talk_about_infinity_war_spoilers_but/
%
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends.

They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.
Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.
Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.
Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed.
Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."
Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot."
St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"
This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. You see in Hell Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?"
Larry looked around and said, "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings."
St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?" Larry gasped and said, "I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5fl4/larry_lobster_and_sam_clam_where_best_friends/
%
Had a Jewish girl approach me and ask for my number...

I told her **we use names** around here﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5eqj/had_a_jewish_girl_approach_me_and_ask_for_my/
%
Why did the woman fall down the well?

She couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5eex/why_did_the_woman_fall_down_the_well/
%
Why didn't Monica Lewinsky vote for Hillary Clinton?

The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h5d0l/why_didnt_monica_lewinsky_vote_for_hillary_clinton/
%
Why did the blind woman fall down a hole filled with water?

She couldn't see that *well*...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h59h2/why_did_the_blind_woman_fall_down_a_hole_filled/
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What do you do with a special gift you don't want anymore?

You put the little bastard up for adoption.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h56ju/what_do_you_do_with_a_special_gift_you_dont_want/
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What’s the difference between Natalie Wood and regular wood?

Regular wood floats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h50yk/whats_the_difference_between_natalie_wood_and/
%
How does yoda feel about extra taxes on alcohol?

Backwards, the sintax is.
May the 4th be with you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h50wz/how_does_yoda_feel_about_extra_taxes_on_alcohol/
%
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h50ua/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
%
What did Vader say after he kills the Emperor?

Why so... Sidious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h4yal/what_did_vader_say_after_he_kills_the_emperor/
%
A man gets so drunk at a bar that he pukes on his shirt.

The man says to the bartender, "Oh no! My wife is going to kill me! I wasn't supposed to get drunk tonight! Now she'll know for sure!" The bartender says, "Hey! No worries! Here's $5 dollars." He puts $5 in the man's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife that some other guy puked on your shirt and gave you $5 to get it cleaned. The man agrees and goes on home.
He comes into the house and his wife immediately sees the puke and starts to scream at him, "I told you not to get drunk at the bar again! How could you?!" The man says, "No, no, no, it's fine! Another guy puked on my shirt and gave me $5 to get it cleaned!" He gives her the money from his pocket. She says, "Why is there $10 here then?" The man says, "Oh, well he shit in my pants too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h4y5y/a_man_gets_so_drunk_at_a_bar_that_he_pukes_on_his/
%
I walked in on Iron-Man having sex.

Spoiler alert: He was stark, fucking naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h4xee/i_walked_in_on_ironman_having_sex/
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Adam Sandler’s movies have really been going downhill lately

In his most recent one he rubbed up against Rock’s bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h4wtb/adam_sandlers_movies_have_really_been_going/
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My therapist suggested I write letters to the people I hate and then burn them.

I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h4vrq/my_therapist_suggested_i_write_letters_to_the/
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At The Old Peoples Home

A frail old man is put in to a care home by his family. They visit him a few days later and as they are talking he starts leaning to the left. A nurse quickly runs over and props him up straight. A little while later he starts leaning to the right, again the nurse runs over and props him up again. The family, impressed by the care he seems to be receiving then ask him how he likes the place, to which he replies,  "It's quite nice but the only thing I don't like is that they don't let you fart"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h4v3e/at_the_old_peoples_home/
%
As a guy, growing up I was told my first blowjob would be a great thing.

To be honest the whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h4rke/as_a_guy_growing_up_i_was_told_my_first_blowjob/
%
Chinese physicists have discovered long, hard, negatively-charged particles.

They call them erectrons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h4pe5/chinese_physicists_have_discovered_long_hard/
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Three questions to a lawyer . . .

A man called up a lawyer and asked: “How much would you charge to answer three questions?”
The lawyer thinks for a moment and said: “Two thousand dollars plus tax.”
“TWO THOUSAND!” cries the man. “That’s a bit expensive, isn’t it?”
“Yes, I suppose it is,” said the lawyer. After thinking a moment longer, he added: “So what’s your third question?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h4fbt/three_questions_to_a_lawyer/
%
Today at the bank, an old lady asked for me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h4cga/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_for_me_to/
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One of my biggest fears is getting married. I hear that 50% of all marriages...

...last forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h4b70/one_of_my_biggest_fears_is_getting_married_i_hear/
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I went to college in Hawaii and

While I was jogging on the beach one day, I saw a man in the distance drowning !
He was waving his arms screaming:
“Helllppppp.... *Shark* ... please... hellllpppppp”
And then I started laughing, haha, cause I knew that  that shark wasn’t going to help him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h49k8/i_went_to_college_in_hawaii_and/
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A doctor gives a man bad news

Doctor: You have brain cancer.
Man: What? I want a second opinion!
Doctor: You're also unappealing to the opposite sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h4698/a_doctor_gives_a_man_bad_news/
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A man moves to the middle of nowhere...

A man buys some land in Wyoming so he can be alone. One day he is working on his house whenever he sees the dust from a truck coming down his long driveway. Finally the truck pulls in, and a man gets out. "I thought I'd welcome you to the area," says the guy from the truck. "I figured since you're new to this neck of the woods, I'd invite you to a little shindig. I really think you're gonna like it. There's gonna be drinkin', fightin' and fuckin'." The new guy says, "Wow, that really sounds like some party. Who all is coming?" The guy from the truck looks him in the eyes, "Just you n me."
This joke is courtesy of my 65 year old barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h42dm/a_man_moves_to_the_middle_of_nowhere/
%
My ex-wife still misses me.

But I'm getting worried, her aim is getting better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h418v/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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Guy meets a Girl on Tinder..

Both never showed their real photos on their respective profiles. They agree to meet up in a Starbucks. Guy says he will be wearing plain white tees, but wore a green shirt. Girl says she will be wearing a yellow dress and she did. Day of the meet up, guy sees the girl and is ugly as hell. The girl, seeing that nobody was wearing any white shirt, asked the only guy obviously waiting for somebody. "Are you the guy I was supposed to meet from Tinder?" The girl asked. He quickly answered "Am I wearing plain white tees?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h40vm/guy_meets_a_girl_on_tinder/
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Veganism is like Communism

They are both fine, unless you like food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h40fs/veganism_is_like_communism/
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If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?

Plastic Explosives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3wah/if_a_is_for_apple_and_b_is_for_banana_then_what/
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Emmanuel Macron meets Putin and tells him...

"You lack freedom in Russia. In Paris, anyone can walk in the street and shout 'Macron is an idiot!', and nobody will touch them."
Putin gives him a basilisk stare and slowly says:
"In Moscow, anyone can walk in the street and shout 'Macron is an idiot!', and nobody will touch them, either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3wa0/emmanuel_macron_meets_putin_and_tells_him/
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What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?

A loan shark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3ugg/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_banker_with_a/
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Are you made of copper, nitrogen, terbium and silver?

Cuz you're a CuNTbAg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3to0/are_you_made_of_copper_nitrogen_terbium_and_silver/
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What's the worst part about stillbirth jokes?

The delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3ru5/whats_the_worst_part_about_stillbirth_jokes/
%
A local music shop is giving away free guitars!

No strings attached!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3rtl/a_local_music_shop_is_giving_away_free_guitars/
%
Playing a childhood video game to relive old memories is like hooking up with your EX...

Seems fun at first, but then you remember why you stopped in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3o9o/playing_a_childhood_video_game_to_relive_old/
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I saw the Lord today...

I was siting at the bar when a man walked in. The bartender looked up and said, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3lyk/i_saw_the_lord_today/
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Why did the duck hunter have no batting average?

All he can hit are fowls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3gzf/why_did_the_duck_hunter_have_no_batting_average/
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I'm trying to write a joke about rubber bands

The punchline is a bit of a stretch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3fgn/im_trying_to_write_a_joke_about_rubber_bands/
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What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral.

One less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3f8b/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
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Three-inch dick: “It’s tiny!” she laughed.

Three-inch spider:”It’s enormous!” she screamed. So I had a spider tattooed on my dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3efv/threeinch_dick_its_tiny_she_laughed/
%
I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.

Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3djm/i_get_really_embarrassed_when_female_guests_visit/
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A cowboy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The cowboy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The cowboy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the cowboy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"
The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the cowboy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3b8v/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_looking_frustrated_the/
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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h3aia/i_used_to_go_out_with_a_girl_who_punched_me_in/
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An old man is on his deathbed and calls his whole family into his bedroom so he can make his peace.

After everyone seems to be there, the old man asks, "Are you absolutely sure everyone is in here?"   No one is in any other part of the house?"
His son says, "Don't worry dad, everyone is here"
The dad says, " Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h38gj/an_old_man_is_on_his_deathbed_and_calls_his_whole/
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Garden of Eden

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”
Adam said, “I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
God said, “I will give you a companion and it will be a woman.” He said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
“She will not nag,” God continued, “and will always be the first to admit she was wrong. When you’ve had a disagreement, she will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed.”
Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”
God said, “An arm and a leg!”
Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h36d2/garden_of_eden/
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What do you do if your Islamic dog bites you?

Muslim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h35w5/what_do_you_do_if_your_islamic_dog_bites_you/
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A father is concerned with his son's bad grades in math

so he decides to enroll him in a Catholic school. After the first marking period, the son has an A in math.
The father is pleased, but he asks his son, "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?"
The son replies, "I knew they meant business when I saw the guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h2t1w/a_father_is_concerned_with_his_sons_bad_grades_in/
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A nun and a bus driver go to heaven.

They are greeted by Peter who checks their records and takes them to their new homes. First Peter takes the bus driver to a great big palace. Next Peter takes the nun to a wooden shack. The nun, confounded about the difference, confronts Peter:
Nun: "I am a woman of faith. How come I only got a shack?".
Peter: "You were always faithful, which is why you are in heaven. As to why you got the shack, whenever you talked with others you would bore them and drive them away from God."
Nun: "Then what about the bus driver, why did he get a palace? "
Peter: "He was also faithful, which is why he is in heaven. As to why he got the palace, whenever he sat behind a wheel and drove others he made them pray to God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h2qxe/a_nun_and_a_bus_driver_go_to_heaven/
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What’s better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h2qmu/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
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Ninja Joke

Can a viking throw an axe?
Sure he can.
Can a cowboy throw a lasso?
Sure he can.
Can a ninja throw a spinning blade?
Shuriken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h2o3k/ninja_joke/
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Do you guys know the history of the holiday of 5th of May?

It's not a story many would tell you.
>Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
>This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
>The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
>The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h2mnm/do_you_guys_know_the_history_of_the_holiday_of/
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TJ Miller should change his name...

...to TJ Maxx:  A disorganized mess of stuff that can now be had at a severe discount to it's previous value.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h2gn2/tj_miller_should_change_his_name/
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I just finished reading a book about the bus driver from the Simpsons

It was an Otto biography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h2gj1/i_just_finished_reading_a_book_about_the_bus/
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What do you do when your sister serves you diseased water?

Cholera bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h2g04/what_do_you_do_when_your_sister_serves_you/
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Personally, I don't like bananas.

But I can understand the, uh, peel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h2cty/personally_i_dont_like_bananas/
%
My social life is like an oxygen mask

Nonexistant unless something bizarre happens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h2b0t/my_social_life_is_like_an_oxygen_mask/
%
If I had a nickel for every time my ex wife cheated on me

She would have taken that too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h29s1/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_my_ex_wife/
%
An old man went to the doctor's clinic where he was stopped by the receptionist

"Good evening sir, how are you today?"
On receiving nothing more than a grunt in return, she continued, "And how may we help you today sir?"
"There's something wrong with my cock!" The old man proclaimed to a room full of patients.
The receptionist was fairly appalled by this exchange, "Please sir, you must maintain a certain level of decorum in the common area."
The receptionist fixed him with a hard glare, "Please say something along the lines of 'there's something  the matter with my ear' and discuss your problem with the doctor later, in private. Now I would kindly instruct you to go out, come back in again and have a civil response for me this time."
Quietly, the old man complied with her request. He went right out the door, came back in and stood in front of the receptionist's desk.
"Good evening sir, how may I help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my ear."
Seeming very pleased with his reply, the nurse continued, "And what would that be sir?"
"I can't piss with it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h28qj/an_old_man_went_to_the_doctors_clinic_where_he/
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Dating you is like drinking warm beer

It's not nearly as enjoyable as it should be, but it still gets me fucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h27fi/dating_you_is_like_drinking_warm_beer/
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Mulan got her period in the midst of a battle...

Mulan was fighting in a gruesome battle when all of a sudden her period came. The blood had soaked through her pants and there was no way she could hide it.
&nbsp;
*Oh no what if my comrades find out I'm a woman? They aren't just gonna punish me, but my father and family too!* She thought.
&nbsp;
Luckily at this moment, am explosion went off beside her. Thinking quickly, she lay on the ground next to the explosion site, hoping this would cover her tracks. As she waited and waited for the battle to end, she eventually fell asleep.
&nbsp;
When she woke up, she was greeted by the medics. They calmly told her "We have good news at bad news"
&nbsp;
*Oh shit did they find out I'm a woman?! I have to know* she thought. Preparing for the worst, she asked for the bad news first.
"The bad news is... There was an explosion and ...Well... Your private parts were completely obliterated"
*That's it?! OMG this is great news! They don't suspect a thing!!*
"Well then what's the good news?"
&nbsp;
"The good news.... is we were able to stitch up the wound without any complications!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h25w4/mulan_got_her_period_in_the_midst_of_a_battle/
%
A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

The boy keeps saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I'd be a chick. If my mom was a doe and my dad was a buck, I'd be a fawn."
The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy, saying, "What if your mom was a whore and your dad was a queer?"
The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h24sr/a_little_boy_gets_on_the_public_bus_and_sits/
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(NSFW) Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

He fingered a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h22mf/nsfw_why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection...

After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend have to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the table top and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my bum!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h1yvo/there_was_a_guy_who_had_been_having_chronic/
%
When I was a kid I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled into your ears.

So you can imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h1uil/when_i_was_a_kid_i_was_terrified_of_earwigs/
%
My wife hates cleaning so now I'm paying for a maid, she hates changing diapers so now I'm paying for a nanny...

And she hates having sex with me so now I'm paying for a tennis coach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h1rax/my_wife_hates_cleaning_so_now_im_paying_for_a/
%
I hate it when people make all these fat jokes to shame fat people

They have enough on their plate already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h1oyb/i_hate_it_when_people_make_all_these_fat_jokes_to/
%
I like my men like I like my coffee.

Emotionally available and ready to commit.
^Fuck ^you ^Steven, ^you ^cheating ^bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h1nq1/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
I made a genuine compliment about a co-workers mustache

I don't know why she made such a big deal about it to HR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h1i82/i_made_a_genuine_compliment_about_a_coworkers/
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You think you tell better jokes than me? Well this post says otherwise.

Otherwise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h1cmp/you_think_you_tell_better_jokes_than_me_well_this/
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When in high school, I was always a chick magnet...

...the side that repels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h1ax8/when_in_high_school_i_was_always_a_chick_magnet/
%
Roses are red. Violets are blue...

PornHub is down, Facebook will do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h18jp/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
My gay best friend and I started calling ourselves "Lab partners"

Sometimes we like to experiment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h18hd/my_gay_best_friend_and_i_started_calling/
%
Time flies when you’re having fun,

Measure spiders when you’re not .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h14l4/time_flies_when_youre_having_fun/
%
A girl asked her boyfriend "Which do you love more, my pretty face more or my sexy body?"

Boyfriend - "I love your sense of humor most"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h14e8/a_girl_asked_her_boyfriend_which_do_you_love_more/
%
Johnny and Sally are having fun climbing a tree, when all of a sudden a bee starts buzzing around her...

"Oh no! Johnny!" says Sally. "That bee went up my skirt!"
Johnny starts booting her on the ass, trying to hit the bee.
"Oh no, Johnny! Now the bee has gone into my underwear!"
Johnny starts smacking her on the bottom, trying to squish the bee.
"Oh no, Johnny! Now the bee has gone up my coochie!" But by this point, she's so frightened, she faints dead away.
When she wakes up, Johnny has her panties off, and he's frantically fingering her.
"Good heavens! What are you doing, Johnny!" she gasps.
"Tryna get that damn bee out!" Johnny says.
She feels it buzzing around inside her. She screams and she faints from fright again.
When she wakes up again, Johnny is on top of her fucking away like a mad man.
"Oh my goodness, Johnny! WHAT are you doing now!?" she asks.
"That son-of-a-bitch bee stung me on the finger! I'm gonna drown the little fucker!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h142j/johnny_and_sally_are_having_fun_climbing_a_tree/
%
I still don't know why people think Donald Trump's wall would never work.

China did it, and they barely have any Mexicans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h138r/i_still_dont_know_why_people_think_donald_trumps/
%
My wife has threatened to leave me because of my obsession with the band The Monkees.

I thought she was joking........
And then I saw her face........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h10w6/my_wife_has_threatened_to_leave_me_because_of_my/
%
The bartender asks: "What would you two gentlemen like?"

Two time travelers walk into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h10jd/the_bartender_asks_what_would_you_two_gentlemen/
%
I created a support group for people like myself who suffer from short term memory loss...

... I think

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h0xfd/i_created_a_support_group_for_people_like_myself/
%
With greater access to the internet around the globe, more and more people are watching porn.

What is this world coming to?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h0t2n/with_greater_access_to_the_internet_around_the/
%
What kind of car does a Jedi drive?

A Toy-Yoda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h0s4t/what_kind_of_car_does_a_jedi_drive/
%
Why do aliens have 3 balls?

It's an an extra terrestrical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h0prf/why_do_aliens_have_3_balls/
%
Have you guys heard about the police investigation into the death of a chickpea?

It was a hummus-ide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h0n61/have_you_guys_heard_about_the_police/
%
What do you call a lazy person who is nice?

A sweet potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h0m7u/what_do_you_call_a_lazy_person_who_is_nice/
%
Bob went to see his friend, Hank, who was dying in the hospital.

As Bob stood by the bed, Hank’s condition grew worse. He frantically reached toward his friend and gestured for something to write with and something to write on.
Bob hurriedly gave his friend a pen and paper and watched as Hank used the last ounce of his strength to scribble down his final, important words. As soon as the pen stopped, Hank died. Bob gently folded the note and placed it in his pocket, grieving immediately for his lost friend. He couldn’t bring himself to read it.
At the wake, Bob remembered the note and excitedly presented it to his family. They asked him to read it aloud for everyone to hear.
Bob cleared his throat and standing next to his dead friend uttered honorably,
“You’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h0m1y/bob_went_to_see_his_friend_hank_who_was_dying_in/
%
I was watching TV when my girlfriend said, “I heard you wanking last night.”

“Oh come on” I said, “don’t you ever, you know...”
“Ever what?” She replied
“You know...” I said, “don’t you ever, you know...?”
“Come on,  say it. Don’t I ever what?” She replied
I said, “Don’t you ever shut the fuck up?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h0lrf/i_was_watching_tv_when_my_girlfriend_said_i_heard/
%
What do you call adults who fight each other over their imaginary friends?

Religious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h0ils/what_do_you_call_adults_who_fight_each_other_over/
%
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all, my husband and I put it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h0hrh/a_man_doing_market_research_knocked_on_a_door_and/
%
A hole has been found in the nudist camp's fence.

Police are looking into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h0ee2/a_hole_has_been_found_in_the_nudist_camps_fence/
%
I missed the latest episode of Rick & Morty

Boy, do I feel stupid now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h0bj6/i_missed_the_latest_episode_of_rick_morty/
%
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h081y/an_irishmans_been_drinking_at_a_pub_all_night/
%
A couple who own a Chinese restaurant are having sex.

The man says "I wanna 69". The woman says "Why you want sweet sour pork now?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h07bi/a_couple_who_own_a_chinese_restaurant_are_having/
%
I was fired for sending one of my students to detention "for being tardy".

I guess special education just isn't for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h04zb/i_was_fired_for_sending_one_of_my_students_to/
%
What did redditor say after his phone exploded?

I didn't expect it to blow up!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8h01zm/what_did_redditor_say_after_his_phone_exploded/
%
People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Looking at it now, i see why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzyzp/people_often_say_icy_is_the_easiest_word_to_spell/
%
If you took all the blood vessels in someone's body and laid them end to end along the equator

That person would die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzxez/if_you_took_all_the_blood_vessels_in_someones/
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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I’m done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzupq/i_sexually_identify_as_a_microwave_dinner/
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What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?

Just the Rottweiler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzu8g/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_bunny_and_a/
%
Have you ever had sex while camping?

It’s fucking intents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzqop/have_you_ever_had_sex_while_camping/
%
What's the opposite of deodorant?

Deodoruncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzpzc/whats_the_opposite_of_deodorant/
%
World War 1 could’ve been easily be prevented..

I mean, singing “Take me out” probably wasn’t Franz Ferdinand’s brightest idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzpps/world_war_1_couldve_been_easily_be_prevented/
%
Got offered a job today

Its with a company that specialises in cleaning mirrors. Great pay and something I can really see my self doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzo5k/got_offered_a_job_today/
%
What do you call a mouse with no balls?

Optical

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzo2m/what_do_you_call_a_mouse_with_no_balls/
%
What is a train’s favourite food? Gum.

*chew* *chew*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzns3/what_is_a_trains_favourite_food_gum/
%
A Guy with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can't live with this long penis.. God : Go to that Lake, U will find a Female Frog. Ask her to Marry u, she'll say No & U will Lose 5 inch. He Went & asked the Frog : will u Marry me? Frog : No He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long. So he asked again : will u Marry Me? Frog : No He Lost 5 inches More. He thought 15 inch is Great, But 10inches is Ideal So he asked again : will u Marry me? Frog : How many Times do I have to tell u? NO! NO! NO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gznq1/a_guy_with_25_inch_long_penis_to_god_i_cant_live/
%
My wife's childbirth was like going on a seesaw opposite a fat boy.

I wish I'd been at the other end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gznml/my_wifes_childbirth_was_like_going_on_a_seesaw/
%
My HS Chemistry teacher told us how to remember the periodic symbols for Silver and Gold-

If someone tried to steal your silver, you'd say A G, I lost my silver.  But if someone tried to steal your gold, you'd say A U!  Give me back my gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gznbt/my_hs_chemistry_teacher_told_us_how_to_remember/
%
Why dont Ewoks ever get in trouble for yelling?

Because they use their Endor voice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzmm8/why_dont_ewoks_ever_get_in_trouble_for_yelling/
%
What happens if you slap Dwayne Johnson's ass?

Then you are hitting rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzlc4/what_happens_if_you_slap_dwayne_johnsons_ass/
%
What do you say to a struggling couple of married Star Wars fans?

May divorce be with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzkq0/what_do_you_say_to_a_struggling_couple_of_married/
%
If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies
2005:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies
2018:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool is in the Champions League's final
3. Warn the Pope!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzkgu/if_liverpool_wins_somebody_warn_the_pope/
%
What do dead babies and dead baby jokes have in common?

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gziyb/what_do_dead_babies_and_dead_baby_jokes_have_in/
%
Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?

Because there were so many knights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzih2/why_were_the_early_days_of_history_called_the/
%
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised that he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but she asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he advised her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he replied.
The wife obeyed, and watched her husband as he read the card. He turned white and fainted. On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs. Two without.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzfyr/for_several_years_a_man_was_having_an_affair_with/
%
My computer sings „Hello“ everytime I walk through the room

It‘s a dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzfow/my_computer_sings_hello_everytime_i_walk_through/
%
What was the name of the Mexican girl that ate flowers?

Rosita.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzd7j/what_was_the_name_of_the_mexican_girl_that_ate/
%
During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzbwj/during_an_interview_the_interviewer_told_me_to/
%
What do you call a chinese turd?

A dumpling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gzbae/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_turd/
%
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding.

While cruising along the highway, an older woman gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car, the woman rolls down her window and asks "Is there a problem, officer?"
&nbsp;
The officer replies "Ma'am, you were speeding" to which woman simply replies "Oh, I see." The officer then asks if he can see her license.
&nbsp;
"I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"Don't have one?"
"Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving."
&nbsp;
The officer seems troubled by this, then asks for her vehicle registration papers.
&nbsp;
"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"I stole this car."
&nbsp;
The officer begins to wonder if this is a joke.
&nbsp;
"Stole it?" he asks.
"Yes, and I killed the owner."
"You...what?"
"His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
&nbsp;
The woman says this so calmly that he begins to doubt that it's a joke and slowly backs away to his car, calling for back up.
&nbsp;
Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
&nbsp;
"Ma'am, I'm going to need you to please step out of the vehicle!"
&nbsp;
The woman steps out of her vehicle looking confused.
"Is there a problem sir?"
&nbsp;
"One of my officers told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner."
"What?! Murdered the owner?" she asks looking frightened.
&nbsp;
The senior officer is momentarily shaken by her seemingly genuine reactions, but stays on guard.
&nbsp;
"Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?"
&nbsp;
The woman opens it, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
&nbsp;
The officer isn't sure of what to make of this, then asks "Is this your car, ma'am?"
"Yes, here are the registration papers."
&nbsp;
After looking over her registration, the officer then says "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
&nbsp;
The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a license and hands it to the officer. As he examines the license, he looks quite puzzled.
&nbsp;
"Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
&nbsp;
The old woman looks deeply offended by this.
&nbsp;
"I bet the son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gz9hb/an_older_woman_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
Whats the difference between a refrigirator and homosexual?

A refrigirator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gz69e/whats_the_difference_between_a_refrigirator_and/
%
What do you call a bunch of ants on adderall?

Stimul-ants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gz5wo/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_ants_on_adderall/
%
Basil works so well in soup!

It's sup'erb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gz4so/basil_works_so_well_in_soup/
%
What is Mozart doing now?

Decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gz4r6/what_is_mozart_doing_now/
%
What first tipped Darth Vader off about the Millennium Falcon?

He found their lack of freight disturbing
^^May ^^the ^^Fourth ^^be ^^with ^^you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gz3gp/what_first_tipped_darth_vader_off_about_the/
%
I hope that Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gz0mr/i_hope_that_elon_musk_never_gets_involved_in_a/
%
[Long] The Mysterious camp

There was a camp that was really mysterious. It was built on an Indian burial ground by a lake where a bunch of teens had drowned across from an abandoned insane asylum. Strange sounds could be heard at night, and campers would constantly go missing. Years later, after seeing strange flashes of light and floating objects in the sky, the campers would return un-aged and not aware any time had passed.
Weirder still were the camp classes:
You could take mind reading and future telling with the oldest counselor (who no one remembers hiring, and seems to have always been impossibly old).
There was communing with spirits - which was particularly popular - always filled up.
Instead of basket weaving, campers would make stick figures to hang in trees as parts of spells. You could combine this with wood working where instructors taught you to make realistic and very effective voodoo dolls.
Hiking was done late at night, to eerily dark caves where glowing eyes looked out at you.
Fortunately, they did have two regular classes to sign up for: Swimming and archery.
So: You could say the mysterious camp had those pair of normal activities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gyz5j/long_the_mysterious_camp/
%
A man walked into a clothing store to buy his wife the thinnest lingerie for their anniversary

The saleswoman looked on the rack and showed him a set "This is the thinnest that we have in the store, but it cost $800"
The man said excitedly "OK, I will take it"
He returned home and gave the present to his wife with a wide grin on his face "My love, why don't you go put this on and let me see!"
Standing in the bedroom with the lingerie in her hand, she thought "This is a really thin lingerie. I don't think he will know if I wear it or not!"
And so she took off all her clothes, walked out into the living room where her husband was eagerly waiting, did a twirl in front of him and said "what do you think my love?"
The man looked up and down at her and sighed "Rats, for $800, I would expect the stupid sales people to at least clean and iron the lingerie for me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gyy3u/a_man_walked_into_a_clothing_store_to_buy_his/
%
I tried to come up with a Star Wars Day joke...

but they all just felt forced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gyvnq/i_tried_to_come_up_with_a_star_wars_day_joke/
%
Hello? I am calling to tell you I love you!

"Sir, I am sorry but I think you got the wrong number. This is a brewery!"
"I Know!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gyv1e/hello_i_am_calling_to_tell_you_i_love_you/
%
A couple on their 60th anniversary

Jake and Jane wake up on the day of their 60th anniversary. Jane turns to Jake and says:
Jane: Jake, is there anything you have been keeping a secret in all these years from me? Today is our 60th anniversary and you can come clean! I want be mad.
Jake: Well Jane, now that you asked, it was me who ruined our wedding cake and not your nephew. But now that we are coming clean, I have always asked myself if you ever cheated on me.
Jane: I am sorry honey for what I am about to say. I have cheated on you only three times.. But only for the well being of our family!
Jake: Three times, wow.. Can you give me more details?
Jane: Well the first time, do u remember when our son was not accepted in the university and than he got in? I slept with the Dean..
Jake: The second?
Jane: Well, the second time, do you remember when our daughter couldn't get her dream job at X enterprise? I slept with the CEO.
Jake: I kind of understand that you did it for our family. What was the third time?
Jane: Well the third time, do you remember when you needed only 4700 votes to become senator?
P. S: sorry if it was posted before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gyucf/a_couple_on_their_60th_anniversary/
%
Why couldn't the misspelled quotation come to the party?

Because it was [sic]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gytnw/why_couldnt_the_misspelled_quotation_come_to_the/
%
Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gypru/security_officer_if_you_find_a_usb_outside_dont/
%
My wife caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.

In response, I told her, “It’s not what it looks like.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gyoo4/my_wife_caught_me_masturbating_to_an_optical/
%
Why did the printer start playing music?

There was a paper jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gyl8j/why_did_the_printer_start_playing_music/
%
A man suspects his wife is cheating on him....

One day while he was at work, he dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The man says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid", said the man.
The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the woman of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is his husband. Is she there?"
The maid replied, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband."
The man is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $100,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot that whore and the asshole she's with."
The maid puts the phone down. The man hears footsteps and then gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone and asks, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
After a long pause the man asks, "Is this 732-4621?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gyi9d/a_man_suspects_his_wife_is_cheating_on_him/
%
I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gygh4/i_was_in_bed_with_this_redneck_girl_when_her/
%
Elevator confusion

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator together and it stops to let a man on. The man is wearing a business suit and has obvious dandruff flakes on both shoulders. He says hello and gets out on the next floor. The women continue to ride in awkward silence when the brunette speaks up. She says, "Someone needs to give that guy some head and shoulders."
The blonde looks confused and replies. "How do you give a guy shoulders?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gyeo4/elevator_confusion/
%
No means no,

Unless she's dyslexic.
Then it's On.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gyenk/no_means_no/
%
I need someone good with photography to brighten all my images for me.

Hoping you'll do it for the exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gyc54/i_need_someone_good_with_photography_to_brighten/
%
If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gybbl/if_you_masturbate_after_smoking_pot/
%
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gyard/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
%
What do you call a tweaker who keeps asking questions?

The Socratic methhead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gy32p/what_do_you_call_a_tweaker_who_keeps_asking/
%
Did you know pigeons die when they have sex?

At least the one i had with did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gy2wx/did_you_know_pigeons_die_when_they_have_sex/
%
What do you call an Arab man who drinks protein supplements?

A Protein Sheikh....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gy1wl/what_do_you_call_an_arab_man_who_drinks_protein/
%
A man and a woman meet in an elevator.......

A man and a woman meet in an elevator.
"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
...
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gy1eu/a_man_and_a_woman_meet_in_an_elevator/
%
What do you get when you cross a firecracker and a ghost?

Bamboo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gy0dt/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_firecracker_and/
%
My wife is so immature..

When I'm taking a bath she sinks all my boats!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxzvx/my_wife_is_so_immature/
%
How do Limericks do here...

There was a Scotsman named McFee,
who got stung on his balls by a bee,
he made tonnes of money,
by producing lots of  honey,
every time he went for a pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxzt3/how_do_limericks_do_here/
%
wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

Someone: "yeah"
Me: that's the spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxz0v/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_ghosts/
%
A woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot, and notices the price is only $5. She asks the shopkeeper why its so cheap

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $5.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxypo/a_woman_goes_to_a_pet_store_to_buy_a_parrot_and/
%
What's fast and the furious 10 going to be called?

Fast 10: your seatbelts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxxjz/whats_fast_and_the_furious_10_going_to_be_called/
%
I was thinking about going on an all almond diet...

... but that's just nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxrjq/i_was_thinking_about_going_on_an_all_almond_diet/
%
A group of construction workers, an Irishmen, a Mexican, and a Blonde are sitting on the 24th floor of a construction building...

The Irishman says "corn beef cabbage again, I swear to God if i get corn beef cabbage again I'm gonna jump from this roof"
The Mexican man says "tacos and beans, goddamnit, I swear to god if I get tacos and beans one more time I'm gonna jump from this roof"
The Blonde man says "bologna sandwich, goddamnit I swear to god if I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm gonna jump from this roof too!"
The next day the Irishman looks in his lunch and sees corn beef cabbage, and he immediately jumped to his death. The Mexican man similarly see his tacos and beans and infuriated jumped to his death. The blonde man looked in his lunch and sees a bologna sandwich and in turn, jumped to his death.
At the funeral, the Irishmans wife says "oh my I could've made him roast or stew or anything else". The Mexican man the wife says "oh my I could've made him burritos or Enchiladas or anything else".
They both turned to look at the Blonde man's wife waiting for her statement... she looks at them both puzzled and says "I don't feel bad, he made his own damn lunches!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxrh8/a_group_of_construction_workers_an_irishmen_a/
%
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxovi/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
%
Whenever I think back to my emo phase

I get PTxD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxnk0/whenever_i_think_back_to_my_emo_phase/
%
What's a 2 by 2

A double wide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxmz0/whats_a_2_by_2/
%
little Johnny was on his way back from his play date with little suzie

, he was being dropped home by Suzie's.
when they get to Johnny's house, Suzie's mum stormed up to Johnny' s mum absolutely fuming
"your shit of a little son was playing doctors and nurses with my suzie" she roared.
taken aback, Johnny' s mum replied "I think I know where you're going with this. look kids at that age get sexually curious and don't know what they're doing. it's normal, I promise"
"it's not that" she screamed "he's removed her fucking appendix"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxl3j/little_johnny_was_on_his_way_back_from_his_play/
%
Why did the Psychic Academy only order large and small T-shirts?

Because they already had plenty of mediums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxii1/why_did_the_psychic_academy_only_order_large_and/
%
The last time an exorcist came round I forgot to pay the bill

I got repossessed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxidv/the_last_time_an_exorcist_came_round_i_forgot_to/
%
What do you call farting and having diarrhea at the same time?

TMI DAVE, TMI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxi6v/what_do_you_call_farting_and_having_diarrhea_at/
%
My father uses reddit

I guess it's heredditary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxhvt/my_father_uses_reddit/
%
What do you call it when you throw a book out your window while driving down the street?

Litterature!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gxex9/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_throw_a_book_out/
%
A blonde walks into a bar...

...and gets a nasty cut on her forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gx7xg/a_blonde_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Becky was on her deathbed...

Becky was on her deathbed.
Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.
My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh.Don't talk."
She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." "I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gx7td/becky_was_on_her_deathbed/
%
I used to be a banker...

But I lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gx2ev/i_used_to_be_a_banker/
%
How does a baker make dill bread?

She uses her dill dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gwz4j/how_does_a_baker_make_dill_bread/
%
Whats the difference between love and marriage?

Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gwvw5/whats_the_difference_between_love_and_marriage/
%
A clean Nantucket limerick

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nan tuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gwv2t/a_clean_nantucket_limerick/
%
John saw a man walking down the street carrying a very long pole.

He went over to him and asked him "are you a pole vaulter?" The man replied "no, I am German, but how did you know my name?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gwufx/john_saw_a_man_walking_down_the_street_carrying_a/
%
What do African antelope herders and dyslexic politicians have in common?

They're both very worried about gnu control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gwty9/what_do_african_antelope_herders_and_dyslexic/
%
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?

Because they have no body to go with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gwpde/why_dont_skeletons_ever_go_trick_or_treating/
%
After his birthday party, a little boy goes to his mother

Son: “Mom, you need to act funnier, especially in front of
my friends. You never make jokes!”
Mother: “I made you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gwnul/after_his_birthday_party_a_little_boy_goes_to_his/
%
Sex is like a drug

I've never had it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gwkf5/sex_is_like_a_drug/
%
The proper way to call someone a bastard

Fred was about to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer (George) approached and asked if he could join him. Fred said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.
George said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" Fred said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed.
George easily won the remaining 16 holes. They walked off number eighteen while George counted his $80.00. He then confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and “liked to pick on suckers.”
Fred, shocked, revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic and offered to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings."
The embarrassed pro asked, "Please, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gwjsn/the_proper_way_to_call_someone_a_bastard/
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I have a PS2 that charges itself

I'm not sure how it works, but my Sun takes care of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gwiil/i_have_a_ps2_that_charges_itself/
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Man, it's gonna take FOREVER to decompress this file

Sigh. *unzips*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gwhyk/man_its_gonna_take_forever_to_decompress_this_file/
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Cougar hunting

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was
killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their
fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the
cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both
jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn't tell whose
bullet had taken the cougar's life! They decided to share the credit,
and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns
keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not
to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed
cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end. Bill
lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear. So
even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill
thought, it was nothing but a catastrophe .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gwh79/cougar_hunting/
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I invited Superman to a funeral this evening...

But he said he was feeling weak so he didn't want to go to the crypt tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gwfdy/i_invited_superman_to_a_funeral_this_evening/
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What did Gimli say to Legolas when the Uruk-hai marched on Helm's Deep?

That's a LOTR orcs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gw9l3/what_did_gimli_say_to_legolas_when_the_urukhai/
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What state has the fastest readers?

New York, they set the world record for fast reading in 2001 for going through 110 stories in about 10 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gw6qs/what_state_has_the_fastest_readers/
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What’s the difference between a brick and a red velvet cake?

Not much, if we’re going off my mother-in-law’s recipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gw265/whats_the_difference_between_a_brick_and_a_red/
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What's the difference between a Syrian wedding and an ISIS training camp?

I don't know I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gw07j/whats_the_difference_between_a_syrian_wedding_and/
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Fuck and Weight loss

A fat man saw an ad in a newspaper.....
"Lose 5kg in a week."
He called the company & lady said..
"be ready tomorrow at 6am."
The next morning he opened the door &
found a beautiful girl with shoes & skirt saying "u catch me, u  fuck me!" & the girl started running.
He started chasing but didn't catch her.
During the whole week he tried to catch her but couldn't. However he lost 5 kg.
He then asked for the 10kg program.
Next morning at 6 am he opened the door & saw an even more beautiful girl in shoes & a skirt saying
"u catch me, u fuck me".
He lost 10kg that week. So he thought this program was awesome! And decided to try the 25kg!!
So he asked for the 25kg but the lady said "R u sure? its really tough!" he said "YES!"
Next day at 6 am he opened the door, he found a huge black man saying
"If I catch u, I will fuck u!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gvzi4/fuck_and_weight_loss/
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Guess what I saw?

Wood.
Guess what I heard?
Sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gvyu2/guess_what_i_saw/
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Anybody know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't hear a vitamin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gvw7m/anybody_know_the_difference_between_a_vitamin_and/
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I respect men with multiple children.

But they're pretty much all motherfuckers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gvvan/i_respect_men_with_multiple_children/
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This guy at work thought it would be funny to call me a caveman

I told him that was pretty low-brow humor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gvu2b/this_guy_at_work_thought_it_would_be_funny_to/
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I hear Cosby loves puddin

But he aint going to like it when his cell mate puddin dick up his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gvo5b/i_hear_cosby_loves_puddin/
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What do you call it when you give a federal judge a blowjob?

A gag order

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gvnt8/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_give_a_federal_judge/
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"Mom, why is my sister named Star?"

"Because your dad loves stars honey."
"Oh, thanks mom."
"No problem, Richard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gvlgw/mom_why_is_my_sister_named_star/
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Say what you will about molecular biologists...

But they sure know how to appreciate the little things in life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gvibd/say_what_you_will_about_molecular_biologists/
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Do old women wear panties or thongs????

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gvgkw/do_old_women_wear_panties_or_thongs/
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The mystery of the blue marble

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Thomas. Thomas was watching his favorite show one night and a commercial came on for something called the blue marble. Needless to say, due to the exciting nature of the commercial and the amount of fancy effects utilized Thomas got very excited. He did, however, realize after a little bit of thought that he had absolutely no idea what it was or how it was used.
Thomas decided that since his father was the wisest man he knew, he should ask him about the blue marble. Well, Thomas's father worked a late shift at the factory on this particular day so Thomas had to wait an excruciatingly long time before his father would be home.
When his father finally made it home, Thomas quickly rushed up to him and asked:
"Father, I saw a commercial today and I was hoping you would know; what is the blue marble?"
Thomas's father got visibly upset and his face turned a bright crimson. Vein in his forehead puksing, he screamed:
"How dare you ask me that you ungrateful little bastard! You get out of this house. I never want to see you again!"
Thomas, shocked at this reaction, burst into tears and ran out of the house.
As he was aimlessly wandering the streets of his hometown trying to figure out what had just happened; Thomas realized it must be a misunderstanding. If he could find the truth about the blue marble, maybe his father would forgive him. Wracking his brain, he remembered his father (the wisest man he knew) used to speak highly of the mayor of his town.  Thomas decided maybe the mayor could answer his question.
Thomas remembered where the city hall was because a year ago his class had taken a field trip there for their social studies class. So Thomas made his way there. When he arrived, he was stopped by the mayor's secretary who wanted to know why he wanted to see the mayor.
When Thomas explained how important it was that he see the mayor, for reasons lost to the past she actually buzzed him in. The mayor was sitting behind his large oaken desk wearing a business suit and smoking a big cigar. He looked up from his paperwork and his eyes locked on Thomas.
"Why, hello there son. What is it I can do for you today?"
Thomas, feeling quite uncomfortable under the mayor's intense, piercing gaze, started to fidget.
"Well, come on son, I'm a very busy man"
Finally Thomas managed to pick up the courage and stammered:
"S..s..sir, I saw a commercial today that confused me. I asked my father about it and he got very very angry and threw me out. So I'm here hoping that you can answer my question. Sir, what is the blue marble?"
At the mention of the marble, the mayor's gaze finally wavered. He became visibly angry just like Thomas's father before him.
"How dare you ask that?" He bellowed. "Do you not have a shred of decency?"
And, with that, he called for the sheriff and had Thomas escorted out of town. As the sheriff dropped Thomas outside the city limits he told Thomas not to ever show his face in town again.
Thomas, now alone and bereft of everything he'd ever known, once again wracked his brain. He remembered watching the news with his father and hearing them praise the new president for his wisdom and kindness. Thomas decided that the president would be his best chance at finally getting the answer he needed.
At first the going was slow. Thomas had never been in his own before. But pretty soon he figured out that through a combination of strangers kindness and his own ingenuity it was possible to get by. Months passed. But, ever so slowly, he made his way towards Washington DC.
The one strange thing in his travels, that he quickly noticed, was; no matter where he went or who he asked about the blue marble, the reaction was always the same.
Finally, right around his birthday as it so happens, Thomas made it to Washington and to the Whitehouse. He was once again stopped at the reception desk.
"Why hello there young man" the person behind the counter said while eyeing Thomas's admittedly rough appearance. "What is it we can do for you?"
Now, Thomas had been in his own for quite awhile at this point, and he had learned how to be pretty crafty. It was actually surprisingly easy to convince them to let him in to see the president.
Thomas walked in to the oval office, and sitting before him in the nicest suit he had ever seen was a middle aged man with close cropped grey hair and piercing blue eyes; the president of the United States of America. Who slowly looked up from the paperwork on the desk to take in the disheveled boy before him.
"And who might you be?" He asked in a surprisingly gentle voice.
"My name is Thomas, and I've traveled a very long way to ask you a question." Said Thomas
The president, obviously intrigued cocked an eyebrow.
"And what, pray tell, is so important that you would come all the way here and interrupt my duties?"
"I have traveled across plains and mountains I have slept under the stars, I have scrounged for food; all so I can ask you, the wisest man in the country, what is the blue marble?"
Thomas braced himself, and rightfully so, because at the mention of the blue marble the pesident got very still and quiet. A scarlet hue crept it's way up from the collar of his suit.
"Have you no tact or decency whatsoever?" He snarled between gritted teeth. "No citizen of this country can speak to me that way! Get out. Out of my office and out of this country!"
And so it was. Armed men came and slapped Thomas into handcuffs. They threw a bag over his head and put him on a ship bound for Europe.
Thomas travelled for many years always in search of his answer. Over Hill and Dale his journey took him. No matter where he went or who he asked the answer was always the same. Get out.
Finally after many many years and many many miles Thomas heard a take about a Yogi in India. A holy man who, twas said, had discovered the answers to every single riddle in the cosmos. It took a few more years and many adventures but Thomas finally found the ascetic in a remote village in India.
Upon entering the village Thomas quickly found out that the Yogi lived in a small shack at the edge of town. Upon finding the shack Thomas noticed how small and run down it was. He had slept in nicer places while he was homeless. It was exactly where he figured such an enlightened person would call home. He entered the shack.
The inside of the building was dark and smoky. There were rags strewn about the floor. One of the bundles of rags sat up and addressed Thomas in surprisingly good English.
"It's been a long time since I had a visitor."
Thomas realized this was the man he had sought all this time. The diminutive elderly man smiled a toothless smile at Thomas.
"So what is it that brings you to my humble home?" He asked softly.
"I have traveled many years and over much of our world seeking the answer to a question. I was told you know the answer to every riddle in the cosmos." Said Thomas.
"I cannot proclaim to know everything, but I do indeed know many things. What is your question?"
"What is the blue marble?" Thomas asked bracing himself for the anger he had gotten from everyone he had ever asked.
The anger never came. The old man started laughing softly to himself.
"Oh such a simple thing. And fortuitous that you would come here for the answer." Said the tiny man as gingerly he stood up and moved to the door.
"The answer you seek" said the man pulling open the flap across the entrance, "lies in that building."
He pointed at a rather large structure directly across the road. Excited to finally be so close to the answer he had spent a lifetime searching for; Thomas thanked the Yogi and immediately jogged toward the building.
He never saw the tour bus that ran him down.
And that's why you always look both ways when you cross the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gvemk/the_mystery_of_the_blue_marble/
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Weather conditions!

My wife was sleeping peacefully. I got up, put on my pants, dressed quietly, made my lunch, slipped quietly into the garage, hooked the boat to my pickup and backed out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 80 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and the weatherman said the weather would be bad all day. I unhooked the boat, went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. With aspirations having nothing to do with fishing I snuggled up to my wife's warm backside, kissed her on the neck and whispered "The weather out there is terrible".
She sheepishly replied, "I know... can you believe that stupid husband of mine is out there fishing in that crap".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gvco1/weather_conditions/
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What did the little Mexican call his little tool that he uses to cut up his little pizza?

Little caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gvchw/what_did_the_little_mexican_call_his_little_tool/
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A guy gets diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is feeling down, his doctor tells him that type 2 is less serious than type 1 and that he should stay optimistic, the patient replies "doctor, please don't sugar-coat it for me"...

Doctor says: "sir, I'm being candyd"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gv7jw/a_guy_gets_diagnosed_with_type_2_diabetes_and_is/
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I don't understand why there's confusion arround the civil rights movement.

It's a black and white issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gv1rw/i_dont_understand_why_theres_confusion_arround/
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I've been hitting on a lot of Russian women at my local bar lately, at least I think they are Russian...

They all say their name is Fuckov

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8guzqg/ive_been_hitting_on_a_lot_of_russian_women_at_my/
%
Welcome to the premature ejaculation party.

A lot of you came early. I’m not surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8guyzd/welcome_to_the_premature_ejaculation_party/
%
What is 6.9?

69 ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8guyp6/what_is_69/
%
Peeing first thing in the morning:

It's hard, but it's not impossible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8guyej/peeing_first_thing_in_the_morning/
%
What is the naughtiest breakfast food?

Bacon. It strips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8guydw/what_is_the_naughtiest_breakfast_food/
%
Why are anti-vaxxers so terrible at painting and sculpture?

Because vaccines can cause you to be artistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8guwb9/why_are_antivaxxers_so_terrible_at_painting_and/
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What's the difference between where you pour dirty water and The Rock?

One's the the bottom of a sink and the other's a Dwayne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8guw2n/whats_the_difference_between_where_you_pour_dirty/
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Your cat’s dead

A wife is off on a business trip for a week so she leaves her husband in charge of taking care of the cat. The following day, she gets a phone call from him.
Husband: I have some bad news. The cat’s dead.
Wife: You can’t just tell me something like that!!
Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: First you call and tell me that the cat got stuck in a tree. Then you call and tell me that the cat has gotten sick, and you need to take it to the vet. Then you call and tell me the vet had to put the cat down. It has to be gradual. You can’t just drop hard news like that on me at once!
Husband: In that case, I have some more bad news.
Wife: All right, let’s hear it.
Husband: Your grandma is stuck in a tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8guvkp/your_cats_dead/
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Deaf Couple in the Bedroom

Two deaf people have just gotten married.  They really love each other, but sex at night has been a bit of a struggle, as they are unable to communicate through signing, and it is too dark to read each other's lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband loves this idea. He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, she should reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, she should pull on his penis 100 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gutnx/deaf_couple_in_the_bedroom/
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Sexual life cycle of a human male

tri-weekly ---
try weekly ---
try weakly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gutkz/sexual_life_cycle_of_a_human_male/
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Two Arabs are sitting in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through his family pictures, "This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, “They blow up so fast, don't they?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gunly/two_arabs_are_sitting_in_the_gaza_strip_enjoying/
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A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday by sneaking into the chicken coop and replacing every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in. He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats the shit out of the peacock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gula9/a_farmer_plays_a_prank_on_easter_sunday_by/
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Just burnt my Hawaiian pizza...

Guess I should've put it on Aloha temperature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gufz0/just_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza/
%
I just found an Alien masturbating in my freezer

“I cum in peas”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gufnx/i_just_found_an_alien_masturbating_in_my_freezer/
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What do you call a prejudiced 4 stringed guitar player?

A racist bassist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8guf0f/what_do_you_call_a_prejudiced_4_stringed_guitar/
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My girlfriend told me that a man cannot do two things at once!

So I've proved her wrong! I've fucked a girl while cheating on her at the same time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8guexn/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_a_man_cannot_do_two/
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What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gubdz/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
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Living in the spaghetto is tough...

One moment you’re there, the next you’ve pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gu9sj/living_in_the_spaghetto_is_tough/
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My grandfather always used to say to me that the best part of fighting, is the make-up sex...

Which probably explains his short-lived career as a boxer…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gu93t/my_grandfather_always_used_to_say_to_me_that_the/
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Life is like boxing.

Just when I think I understand it...BAM, I get punched in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gu295/life_is_like_boxing/
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A group of prisoners pass the time telling jokes to each other.

Unfortunately their repertoire is limited and they soon know them all by heart; indeed they even start referring to their jokes by number. One prisoner says: "Do you remember number thirteen?" And everyone chuckles. Another says, "That reminds me of joke number six!" Again everyone laughs. "Or number twelve?" says another. Everyone chuckles except for one prisoner who starts having hysterics. He laughs until tears roll down his cheeks and his sides hurt. He falls on the floor, rolls about and slaps his thighs cackling uncontrollably. Finally he calms down and notices his friends looking at him weirdly. "Sorry" he says. "First time I'd heard that one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gu24c/a_group_of_prisoners_pass_the_time_telling_jokes/
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My son asked me to give him a life lesson.

I said, "Son, you see that mountain over there?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "If you work really hard and you climb that mountain, for days and days... what happens when you reach the top?"
He said, "You see amazing things?"
I said, "No, you realise you left your camera at the bottom. Then when you get back down there you realise that someone's stolen it. That's life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gty7h/my_son_asked_me_to_give_him_a_life_lesson/
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An old man is telling his friend about Viagra ...

"Does it really work?" his friend asks.
"Like a charm," the old man responds. "It keeps me up all night!"
"Can you get it over the counter?" the friend inquires, excitedly.
"If I take two!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gtum9/an_old_man_is_telling_his_friend_about_viagra/
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When i die i want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa,

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gtsvd/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_peacefully_in_my_sleep/
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My wife's an optimist, but I know inside of her there's a pessimist.

I'm probably going to cum early and dissapoint her :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gtovq/my_wifes_an_optimist_but_i_know_inside_of_her/
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Why did Chris Brown love telling jokes to Rihanna?

She always got the punchline...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gtfb6/why_did_chris_brown_love_telling_jokes_to_rihanna/
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In the middle of the desert, an Arab's camel lamed.

Fortunately he quickly found a garage to fix it. They slowly led the camel over a pit, whacked its balls with a pair of bricks and like a rocket it ran off into the desert.
"Great work", the Arab said, "but how am I supposed to get to my camel now?"
"Slowly walk over the pit..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gtdkp/in_the_middle_of_the_desert_an_arabs_camel_lamed/
%
Hey Prof, what can I do to improve my grade?

Prof: um... it's May
Me: LOL, sorry, what MAY I do to improve my grade?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gtbsd/hey_prof_what_can_i_do_to_improve_my_grade/
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Why did Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gtb25/why_did_humpty_dumpty_love_autumn/
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Bob's friend gets hit by a car...

Bob calls the hospital and says "My friend has been hit by a car and I think he's dead! What do I do?"
The nurse responds "Take a long breath, and follow my instructions carefully. First make sure he is actually dead, then y-"
Gunshots
"What next?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gt7h5/bobs_friend_gets_hit_by_a_car/
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if i had a dollar for every sexist joke ive told

I would have $0.77

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gt6lj/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_sexist_joke_ive_told/
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[Dark] I like my women like i like my whiskey.

8 years old, and locked in my cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gt67f/dark_i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
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An angry man walks into a bar [nsfw]

Jim walks into a bar one night after a terrible day.  He's feeling rowdy and is looking for a fight.  He orders a beer, downs it, and slams it on the table.
He taps the man to his left and says, " you looking for a fight?"
The man replies,"No, Just having a nice drink tonight."
Jim sits back down, orders a beer, and downs it once again.
He taps the man to his right and says," You looking for a fight?"
The man replies,"No sir, i don't want any trouble tonight."
Jim, really pissed off at this point, orders himself another beer.
Jim drinks it, slams it on the bar, and then stands up on his stool and yells to the bar,
" Hey everybody on this side of the room, (pointing to his right) are a bunch of cock suckers.  Everybody on this side of the room (pointing to his left ) are a bunch of mother fuckers!!"
Jim stands there getting ready to fight, but no one approaches him.
Jim sits back down.
Finally, a big biker walks out from the back and up to Jim.
The man points at him and asks, "Hey, did you call me a Mother Fucker?"
Jim replies, "Sure as hell I did."
The man then says to Jim, " Well Hell, I guess I'm on the wrong side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gszg6/an_angry_man_walks_into_a_bar_nsfw/
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A boy was given $30 by his mother to do shopping with.

However, on the way to the store, he spent the money on a teddy bear.
As he had no money, he then decided to go home. On the way, he saw that his neighbour's wife was in bed with another man, and that the neighbour was coming. He walked into their house and hid in the closet with the lover.
As they were sitting in there, the boy told the man:
- Buy the teddy for $50 or I'll scream.
The man agreed. Then the boy said:
- Give me the teddy back or I'll scream.
The man agreed. Once again, the boy said:
- Buy the teddy for $50 or I'll scream.
The man agreed. The boy then said:
- Give me the teddy back or I'll scream.
And the situation kept repeating. Finally, the boy left the neighbour's house, went shopping and came back home with a few hundred dollars. However, after hearing the story, the boy's mother told him to confess for his sins.
So he went to the church, walked up to the confession booth and said:
- I came to talk about my teddy bear...
The priest answered:
- Fuck off, I'm out of cash!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gszeb/a_boy_was_given_30_by_his_mother_to_do_shopping/
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Bella Thorne’s face is super oily

So as an American it’s only natural I want to drill the fuck out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gsz43/bella_thornes_face_is_super_oily/
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Dadding is not easy

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.
Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had wet its diapers and you said,
"Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gstsi/dadding_is_not_easy/
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What’s a bumblebee’s favorite wing sauce?

Pollenesian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gst3v/whats_a_bumblebees_favorite_wing_sauce/
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A man walks into his doctors

The man says "doctor help me I think I might be turning into a horse"
The doctor says "well have you had any symptoms"
The man says "neigh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gssd5/a_man_walks_into_his_doctors/
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You really don’t need to worry about wolves, unless you have chickens.

No farm, no howl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gsqbd/you_really_dont_need_to_worry_about_wolves_unless/
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If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gsnkg/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_didnt_understand/
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How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gsk6n/how_can_you_tell_when_a_man_is_well_hung/
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A man was watching TV and tossing peanuts in the air and eating them.

His wife calls him and he turns his head while eating one and it goes into his ear.
They try in vain to take it out when their daughter comes home with her boyfriend after a date.
The boyfriend says he can help and puts two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow hard and out pops the peanut.
After the boyfriend leaves, the wife remarks, "Wow, that's a smart boy our girl is dating! What do you think he is going to become when he grows up?".
"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law", says the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gsjde/a_man_was_watching_tv_and_tossing_peanuts_in_the/
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Why did the tofu cross the road?

To prove that it was not chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gsgca/why_did_the_tofu_cross_the_road/
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Why aren't there any Walmarts in Syria?

Because there is a target in every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gsfvy/why_arent_there_any_walmarts_in_syria/
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A man is murdered in a dessert factory.

The defendant is clearly guilty, but the investigators struggle to find the murder weapon to properly incriminate him. Where could it possibly have been hidden? The lead investigator is at a loss, when one day he suddenly jumps from his desk as it comes to him.
“The proof is in the pudding!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gses4/a_man_is_murdered_in_a_dessert_factory/
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

You barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gscrf/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
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Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar and order beers.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gsble/bacon_and_eggs_walk_into_a_bar_and_order_beers/
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How do you make Holy Water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gs9pi/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
Why do cows need to wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gs8s0/why_do_cows_need_to_wear_bells/
%
Did you hear about the war between France and Italy?

Italy switched sides and France surrendered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gs8oa/did_you_hear_about_the_war_between_france_and/
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What advice did the clown fish give?

Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gs4yu/what_advice_did_the_clown_fish_give/
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Be careful of having sex with distinguished students

They cum laude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gs1wt/be_careful_of_having_sex_with_distinguished/
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When you have an all male crew flying a plane....

... it’s called a cockpit.
If you have an all female crew it’s a box office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8grzmd/when_you_have_an_all_male_crew_flying_a_plane/
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Veni, vidi, et obliti enim veni.

I came, I saw, and I forgot why I came here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gryss/veni_vidi_et_obliti_enim_veni/
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My mother in law was getting beaten up by four guys

and my wife shouted "Go Help", to which I replied "four should be enough".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8grxb2/my_mother_in_law_was_getting_beaten_up_by_four/
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Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gruxb/did_you_know_that_you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an/
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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes..

Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8grngl/one_day_little_johnny_saw_his_grandpa_smoking_his/
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What do you call a short Mexican?

Paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8grmt1/what_do_you_call_a_short_mexican/
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How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8grmpb/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_on_a_nudist_beach/
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New Zealander and his sheep

A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says....
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realise I was talking to the sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8grljs/new_zealander_and_his_sheep/
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What type of medicine does Dr Pepper practice?

Fizzyology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gri5t/what_type_of_medicine_does_dr_pepper_practice/
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A neutron walks into a bar, orders a beer and asks, "How much for the beer?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gri27/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar_orders_a_beer_and_asks/
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T-Mobile and Sprint have finally agreed to a massive merger deal

I tried to join the celebration, but there was no reception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8grguk/tmobile_and_sprint_have_finally_agreed_to_a/
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Why Can't You Fool An Aborted Baby

It wasn't born yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8grgpg/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_baby/
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How often did the architect have to put long narrow paths in his blueprints?

Hallways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gre7x/how_often_did_the_architect_have_to_put_long/
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How did the sperm cross the road?

I wore the wrong sock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8grbwj/how_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup

. Doctor says, “Okay I’ve got bad news and really bad news.” Old man: “Well, okay. what’s the really bad news?” “You’ve got cancer. It’s extremely aggressive and I’m giving you two weeks to live.” “Oh god....what’s the bad news?” “You’ve got Alzheimer’s disease.” “Oh what a relief! I though you were going to tell me I had cancer!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8grbru/an_old_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_checkup/
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What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8grbib/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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A homeless man buys a bottle of wine

He passes out on the street after drinking it all. A man on his way back home sees this and fucks the homeless dude in the ass, then puts 50$ in his pocket.
The next day, he buys another bottle of wine with the 50$ he found in his pocket. Same thing happens, and the man fucks and pays him again.
On the following night, the homeless man goes to the store and asks for a bottle of whiskey.
"No wine today?" the shopkeeper asks.
"Nah, wine makes my butt hurt in the morning"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8grbfx/a_homeless_man_buys_a_bottle_of_wine/
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Which foot is the pirate's favorite?

The one that's left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gr8et/which_foot_is_the_pirates_favorite/
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What is Reunion ?

Reunion is when Akhil gets up in the morning and tells his wife he is going to work.
Instead he goes to his neighbour Paul's wife to make love to her.
Her husband Paul comes and knocks on the door.
Akhil goes under the bed.
Paul enters the bedroom.
Feeling uneasy, the wife excuses herself  to go to market to buy food items.
Paul takes advantage of the wife's absence to call Akhil’s wife.
Akhil’s wife quickly arrives and they make love.
Suddenly Paul’s wife who had excused herself  to go to the market turned back halfway forgetting the list of food items at home and knocks  on the door.
Akhil Is Still Under The Bed.
Akhil’s  wife rushes to hide under the bed.
This Is REUNION

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gr6ar/what_is_reunion/
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What do you call someone who robs vape shops?

A Juul thief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gr5bo/what_do_you_call_someone_who_robs_vape_shops/
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What is the main difference between a Zippo and a hippo?

A hippo is extremely heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gr4yr/what_is_the_main_difference_between_a_zippo_and_a/
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A woman goes to the fortune teller.

A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers,  "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gr2z6/a_woman_goes_to_the_fortune_teller/
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What do you call a female rapper?

35 Cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gr08h/what_do_you_call_a_female_rapper/
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The thing with incest is...

it's all relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gqt6z/the_thing_with_incest_is/
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No wonder wind turbines are so popular these days...

They have a huge fan base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gqpsr/no_wonder_wind_turbines_are_so_popular_these_days/
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A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gqphv/a_vacationing_penguin_is_driving_his_car_through/
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I'm not just good at making spreadsheets.

I excel at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gqnqd/im_not_just_good_at_making_spreadsheets/
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A termite goes into a bar and asks,

"Is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gqkmb/a_termite_goes_into_a_bar_and_asks/
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A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gqkdq/a_lot_of_people_seem_surprised_when_i_tell_them_i/
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Did you know Jeffrey Dahmer was a time traveler?

He was eating Five Guys before it was a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gqk13/did_you_know_jeffrey_dahmer_was_a_time_traveler/
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All women are sex objects

Whenever I mention sex, they object.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gqjjr/all_women_are_sex_objects/
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A bunch of 80s action stars dressed up as Skid Row for Halloween but they couldn't figure out who would be the lead singer.

But Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gqg5r/a_bunch_of_80s_action_stars_dressed_up_as_skid/
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Crab lice on holidays

Two crab lice agree to meet on the beach in Florida for Summer holidays. One already being there, the other arrives all shivering.
"Why are you shivering?" asks the first.
The second answers: "I arrived in a motorcyclist moustache... I alsmost froze to death..."
" That's stupid," says the first, "do like I do. Climb up a stewardesses leg, stay in here croch and you'll be here in no time, nice an cosy."
Next year, they meet again. The second one is shivering again, saying :
" I did what you said... I climbed up a stewardesses leg and lay down at her croch. It was so warm and cosy, I fell asleep. Once I woke up, I was in a motorcyclists moustache again..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gqfmj/crab_lice_on_holidays/
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That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"

Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gqezn/that_awkward_moment_when_youre_having_sex_with_a/
%
I wish medusa would

Stop objectifying people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gqdji/i_wish_medusa_would/
%
A sheep, a drum and a snake all fall off a cliff

Baa dum hiss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gqadd/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_all_fall_off_a_cliff/
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A man with a very strained, high-pitched voice goes to see the doctor.

(This is an old Buddy Hackett joke)
The man goes into the doctor's office and he says (in a very strained, high-pitched voice) "Doctor, is there anything you can do to fix my voice?"
The doctor examines him and says, "I've discovered the source of your problem. Most men have two testicles, but you have four. This is the cause of your vocal problems."
The man says (in a very strained, high-pitched voice) "Doctor, is there anything you can do?"
"Yes, in fact there is. There's a very delicate operation in which we remove your testicles and replace them with normal testicles. That will fix your voice."
The man says (in a very strained, high-pitched voice) "Let's do it!"
A year later the man returns. He says to the doctor, in a normal voice, "Doctor, you were right. My voice has returned to normal. But it turns out my voice isn't all that important -- I'd like my old testicles back."
The doctor says (in a very strained, high-pitched voice) "That's impossible."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gq9zo/a_man_with_a_very_strained_highpitched_voice_goes/
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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a South Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian, and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.
The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gq9ek/an_afghan_an_albanian_an_algerian_an_american_an/
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A rabbi and a catholic priest ran a race...

The rabbi got the gold. The priest came in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gq753/a_rabbi_and_a_catholic_priest_ran_a_race/
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[NSFW] A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night — it was on the tip of my tongue.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gq6vd/nsfw_a_daughter_asked_her_mother_mom_how_do_you/
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What's a Wog?

It's a wump of wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gq5r1/whats_a_wog/
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How do you milk a sheep?

Pass the offering plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gq1op/how_do_you_milk_a_sheep/
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[NSFW] A drunk guy staggers into a bar and orders a beer.

He goes up to the barman and shouts, "Wow! There are A LOT of hot women in here".
Filled with Dutch courage, the guy says, "I bet you 50 bucks I can go up to any hottie in here, squeeze her boobs, slap her ass and still get her number!"
The barman agrees and they put their money under a glass on the counter.
The drunk guy goes over to one of the ladies, slaps her ass and grabs her boobs, then gets her digits. He returns and takes the money off the counter with a huge smile on his face.
The barman shouts across from the bar, "I bet you one hundred bucks you can't take one of these hotties into the toilet right now and finger her pussy!"
The drunk guy enthusiastically agrees and they put the money under a glass on the counter. He approaches one of the girls and chats to her for a minute, then she follows him into the toilets.
After a minute, the drunk guy dashes out of the bar without looking back.
"What's his problem?" asks one of the women at the bar.
"I dunno Jeff", replies the barman, "but I dont think he'll be visiting another tranny bar anytime soon".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gq1io/nsfw_a_drunk_guy_staggers_into_a_bar_and_orders_a/
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Two Amish women are in the field picking potatoes...

The first Amish woman (FAW) pulls out an enormous potato from the field and says to the second (SAW), "Ohhh, this reminds me of Jacob's privates!"
SAW -  "You mean Jacob's privates are that big?"
FAW - "No, but they're just as dirty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gq160/two_amish_women_are_in_the_field_picking_potatoes/
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A man walks into a bar in Manchester

He orders a drink and sits down on a barstool. He notices a large, clear, plastic box on a shelf behind the bar with £20 notes stuffed into it.
He asks the barmaid “Ey love, what’s that box there for?”. She replies “Ah, that’s the 3 part pub challenge!”
Intrigued, the man asks her to explain.
“See that bloke there at the end of the bar?” She says. “That’s Big Mick. He’s the hardest bloke in Manchester. You’ve got to knock him out in one punch. That’s the first part”
“Okay...” Says the man. “What’s the second part?”
“Well, Big Mick’s got a big dog with one big tooth. He’s round the back. You’ve got to tackle the dog, pull out his tooth and put it right here on the bar.”
The bloke was getting tempted now. “Right, and what’s the third part?”
“Big Mick’s mum owns the pub. She’s 86 and she’s never had an orgasm. She lives upstairs. You’ve got to go up there and give her the time of her life.”
“Fuck it!” the man exclaims. He shoves a rolled up £20 note in the box, walks over to Big Mick and lays him out flat. People are shocked.
He walks outside and round to the back where he sees a snarling Rottweiler tied to a post. There’s a crowd gathering now.
He gets the dog by the neck and goes at it. The dogs screaming, shaking and slobbering all over the place. People can’t believe what they’re seeing. He finishes the job, wipes the sweat from his forehead, runs back into the pub and shouts
**“Right then, where’s this old girl with the dodgy tooth?!”**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gq15g/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_in_manchester/
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I find abortion to be a difficult topic.

On one hand, i am for killing babies. But on the other hand, i don't want to give woman any more rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gpyt1/i_find_abortion_to_be_a_difficult_topic/
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What do you call a muppet hanging itself?

Kermit-ting suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gpws9/what_do_you_call_a_muppet_hanging_itself/
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The most annoying part about having my wife and daughter wearing a burka, is the confusion.

Last night, I accidentally slept with my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gpwpc/the_most_annoying_part_about_having_my_wife_and/
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A boy in bath with his mum

asks "What's that hairy thing?
Mum says:"That's my sponge.
The boy says: "Oh yeah, babysitters got one too. I have seen her washing Dads face with it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gpuuk/a_boy_in_bath_with_his_mum/
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I tried to get a group of crows together but they wouldn't cooperate.

It was an attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gptmf/i_tried_to_get_a_group_of_crows_together_but_they/
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How do you make an old lady say "Fuck"?

Get another old lady to yell "Bingo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gpsoh/how_do_you_make_an_old_lady_say_fuck/
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What do you call it when white supremacists take over the government?

Coup klux klan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gpsgx/what_do_you_call_it_when_white_supremacists_take/
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What's the difference between Capitalism & Socialism?

With Capitalism, man exploits man.
And it's the opposite with Socialism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gpr5x/whats_the_difference_between_capitalism_socialism/
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Fly at the restaurant

Waiter! This food tastes like shit!
Thank you sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gppsc/fly_at_the_restaurant/
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Do you know about the Roman emperor who had epilepsy?

It was Julius Seizure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gpnfj/do_you_know_about_the_roman_emperor_who_had/
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Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair?

Because they can't stand up for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gplxf/why_is_it_wrong_to_bully_people_in_wheel_chair/
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How does Bill Cosby greet his date?

Good night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gpktz/how_does_bill_cosby_greet_his_date/
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TIL there is a cocktail named after Donald Trump

Moscow Mule

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gpjn2/til_there_is_a_cocktail_named_after_donald_trump/
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NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.
"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."
The interviewer asked the next candidate the same question.
"Two million dollars," answered the doctor, "and I want to give one million to my family and leave the other million to medical research."
The third candidate, a lawyer, was asked the same question.
"Three million dollars!" replied the lawyer.
"Why so much?" the interviewer inquired.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me three million, I'll keep a million, give you a million, and we'll send the engineer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gpj6m/nasa_officials_were_interviewing_three/
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There was an accident at the toll booth

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and plowed  into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.
Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together.
In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" said the truck driver to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?"
"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gphmp/there_was_an_accident_at_the_toll_booth/
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HR Manager in Heaven

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Manager was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was greeted by God himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said God. "Well, what we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules." And with that God put the HR Manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out into the hell with a beautiful golf course. And a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her....they talked about old times... She met the Devil who was really a nice guy and she was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found God waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and God came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So God escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her smiled and said: ... ... ... .... .... *"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an employee"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gph9j/hr_manager_in_heaven/
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
*"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will*
*give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."*
Little Johnny replied, *"My grandfather lived to be 107 years*
*old."*
The man asked, *"Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"*
Little Johnny answered, *"No, he minded his own fucking business!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gph7l/little_johnny_was_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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What do you need to cause a railway accident in Mexico?

A loco-motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gpc13/what_do_you_need_to_cause_a_railway_accident_in/
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What do you call a kid with down syndrome when he's high?

A baked potato.[](/changeling)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gpb8g/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_down_syndrome_when/
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How come you never see cows hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gpaoh/how_come_you_never_see_cows_hiding_in_trees/
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DAD: Johnny, do youy know about the birds and the bees?

Little Johnny (Bursting into tears): "I dont want to know!"
Father: "Whats wrong?"
LJ: Oh dad, first there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter bunny and finally no Tooth-Fairy. If you are about to tell me grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to beleive in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gp91b/dad_johnny_do_youy_know_about_the_birds_and_the/
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Pickle Slicer

A man who worked at a pickle factory came home to his wife one afternoon and admitted to his wife that he had thoughts of sticking his manhood into the pickle slicer at work. His wife, worried about his well being, suggested he seek sexual counseling.
After weeks of counseling, the husband came home from work one day and again admitted that he had thoughts of sticking his manhood into the pickle slicer at work. Only this time, he told his wife that he went ahead and just did it. She gasped and asked him how his manhood felt after sticking it in the pickle slicer.
"It feels good, real good", he replied.
Shocked, his wife asked, 'well, what about the pickle slicer?"
The husband smiled and answered, 'oh, she's fine but walking a little funny now'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gp6hw/pickle_slicer/
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Why did communism fail the exam?

Because it lost Marx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gp6c1/why_did_communism_fail_the_exam/
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I've scoured the celestial bodies for humor.

The real joke's always in the comets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gp5k1/ive_scoured_the_celestial_bodies_for_humor/
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A competition was held to determine the country with the best police force in the world

The finalists were U.S., China and Russia, and each were represented by a five-man team.
On the day of the competition, the three teams gathered outside Tongass National Forest in Alaska, alongside a few thousand cheering fans. U.N. Secretary General António Guterres opened the envelope containing the challenge and read it aloud: "Go in the forest and find a rabbit. The first team to return with a rabbit wins."
Everyone knew it was a tough challenge, because rabbits are very rare in the region. Nevertheless, the three teams rushed into the forest.
The American detectives quickly called up NASA, and asked them to use their satellites to find a rabbit in the 16.7 million acres park. After a few minutes, NASA sent the coordinates of the nearest rabbit enclave and the Americans quickly retrieved the rabbit in barely an hour. Guterres announced them as the winner.
Jubilation all around, and Trump went on a tweeting spree after he heard the result.
The Chinese People's Armed Police Force, meanwhile, contacted the Ministry of State Security, the Chinese spy agency, and the latter hacked into the phones and emails of the American cops. After obtaining the coordinates from NASA, they too went for the same rabbit enclave and returned with a rabbit in two hours. Upon hearing the result, President Xi Jinping organized a military parade in Beijing to commemorate their second-placed finish.
Since the winners were known, everyone wanted to go home then, but they had to wait for the Russian team, which still hadn't returned. Just before they were about to break for lunch, they suddenly heard loud noises from the forest. After a few minutes, they could see a polar bear running towards them yelling, "Yes, Yes, I'm a rabbit," even as five Russian politsiyas continue beating the polar bear with a rubber hose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gp5hi/a_competition_was_held_to_determine_the_country/
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Using a German sausage as a dildo...

...is the fucking wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gootw/using_a_german_sausage_as_a_dildo/
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How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 1 because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gom0f/how_many_prostitutes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Your cooking is pathetic

Husband: your cooking is horrible despite watching all the cooking shows.
Wife: you watch porn but do I complain?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gojg0/your_cooking_is_pathetic/
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A newly anointed priest is given his first posting.

Father Ben a newly anointed priest is given his first posting of his career. He’s fairly young and very nervous, but seeing his distress, Father Todd the elderly priest he’s replacing was very thoughtful and had prepared some cheat sheets so everything would transition smoothly. Hidden behind the altar was the order of prayers for the mass. Behind the pew out of view was a list of psalms and subjects he could talk about in his sermon without getting lost - he had thought of everything.
After getting through his first mass with the help of the cheat sheets, Father Ben stepped into take his first confessions. First up was a young man.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned - I have had impure thoughts”.
Father Ben looks at his cheat sheet taped to the wall of the confessional - impure thoughts - 5 Hail Mary’s and 10 Our Fathers.
“Right my son, say five Hail Mary’s and ten Our Fathers and all is forgiven.”
“Thank you father...” the young man replies and leaves.
Feeling more confident, Father Ben looks up as an old woman entered the booth.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have committed the sin of jealousy. Our neighbours have a new kitchen and I wish ours could be renovated”
Again Father Ben consults the list. Jealousy - 10 Our Fathers.
“Say the Lord’s Prayer ten times and go with god my child” he says confidentially and the woman smiles and leaves the booth.
Then an attractive young woman slips into the booth. She is very shy and bashful and seems very uncomfortable.
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I have committed fellatio, out of wedlock, many times and on many men.”
Father Ben is taken back by the confession but composes himself and consults his cheat sheet. He is suddenly overcome with horror - fellatio isn’t on the list. He checks the list again and then around his booth to see if there is another scrap of paper but to no avail. Meanwhile the girl is looking more upset with his lack of response as she sits in silence and waits for his answer.
In a panic he sticks his head out of the booth and sees a choir boy standing nearby the altar.
“Psssst, hey what does Father Todd normally give for fellatio?” He whispers hurriedly.
The choir boy whispers back:
“Normally a mars bar, a can of Coke and a pat on the head...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gohu1/a_newly_anointed_priest_is_given_his_first_posting/
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Chicken surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah! So sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gohmd/chicken_surprise/
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Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8go8hi/why_are_skeletons_so_calm/
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“Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places”

Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8go813/doctor_ive_broken_my_arm_in_several_places/
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There are three things I'm bad at

Telling jokes and counting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8go7po/there_are_three_things_im_bad_at/
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How much do you drink?

A couple is sitting on their front porch, enjoying the overdue warm weather, when the wife turns to her husband and asks, "Honey, how much do you drink?"
The husband replies "Well I'd say an average of 3 beers a day."
She continues, "And how much do you spend?"
"I guess including the tip it's $5 per."
She then asks, "How long have you been drinking?"
"Oh it's got to be about 20 years now."
She ponders for a moment, then says, "Ok, so 15 times 365 times 20 is $109,500. You could have bought a plane by now if you'd never drank!"
Slightly annoyed at this, the husband remains silent for several moments, before asking, "My darling, how much do you drink?"
Baffled, the wife responds, "You know I don't drink!"
"Then where the fuck is your plane?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8go2n5/how_much_do_you_drink/
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[NSFW] What do you have when you have nuts on the wall?

Walnuts.
What do you have when you have nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts.
What do you have when you have nuts on your chin?
A dick in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gnz6h/nsfw_what_do_you_have_when_you_have_nuts_on_the/
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If the opposite of con is pro...

... then the opposite of congress would be progress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gnviw/if_the_opposite_of_con_is_pro/
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

"I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gnqco/a_married_irishman_went_into_the_confessional_and/
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If you're happy and you know it...

why are you here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gnoja/if_youre_happy_and_you_know_it/
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The car accident

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 70 off came the pants. At 75 it was her bra and At 80 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car.
He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree! His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied, "Ma'am,
if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gnm5a/the_car_accident/
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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man.
"We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gnkg8/a_young_newlywed_couple_wanted_to_join_a_church/
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an atheist?

A person who stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gnfcl/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an_insomniac_a/
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Why don’t you have to tell a mathematician when to leave?

They’re pretty good at putting two and two together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gne7i/why_dont_you_have_to_tell_a_mathematician_when_to/
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What is the unit of measurement for boobs?

Mammograms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gnbaz/what_is_the_unit_of_measurement_for_boobs/
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An old man walks into a Catholic Church

An old man walks into a Catholic church, and goes for a confession.
"I am 80 years old, a widower after 50 years of a blissful marriage."
"I was walking home from the library the other day and two college girls stopped their car. They said they were on spring break and needed directions.
"We got to talking, and they offered to drive me home."
"In the car, one of them asked me the last time I'd had sex and I told them it had been years."
"She asked if I would like to have some fun, and before I knew it the three of us were in my apartment."
"I had the most magnificent sex for the past two nights, and they're still there waiting for me. They promised they'd show me things I never even knew a man and woman could do. And that's why I've come to confession."
And the priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?"
And the old man says, "Actually, this is the first time."
"You're 80 years old and this is your first confession? Why now?"
"Because I'm Jewish."
"In that case, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!!!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gn4jl/an_old_man_walks_into_a_catholic_church/
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What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?

Cool Ranch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gn2mk/what_did_the_dorito_farmer_say_to_the_other/
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Dads Anonymous

Dad: Go on, it's safe here.
Me: Sometimes I don't cut the grass in a pattern.
One dad vomits, another stops grilling entirely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gn2hp/dads_anonymous/
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Did Thor ever mention he had a brother?

He was very low-key about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gn2co/did_thor_ever_mention_he_had_a_brother/
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I asked my daughter if she had seen newspaper.

She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gn0rg/i_asked_my_daughter_if_she_had_seen_newspaper/
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What's E.T. short for?

It's because he has such little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gmzzj/whats_et_short_for/
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I really hate auto correct.

It's become my worst enema.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gmz7y/i_really_hate_auto_correct/
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Which app does Thanos use to communicate with half of the universe? (Infinity War Spoilers)

Snapchat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gmvtk/which_app_does_thanos_use_to_communicate_with/
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3 guys on a cliff

There were 3 guys hanging out by a cliff. A genie appears and tells them that this is a magical cliff. Anyone who jumps off and yells something will land in the thing they yelled.
The first guy doesn't even hesitate. He does a swan dive off the cliff and yells "Car full of hot girls!". Poof! He lands gently in a sick convertable full of smoking hot girls and they drive off.
The second guy sees this and he jumps off. "Money!". Poof! He lands in a huge pile of cash.
The third guy runs toward the cliff but trips on a rock and falls over the edge, yelling "Shit!" as he falls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gmsi5/3_guys_on_a_cliff/
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Did you fall from Heaven?

Because so did Satan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gmsau/did_you_fall_from_heaven/
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i love math but the equation 2n+2n

Is 4n to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gmryk/i_love_math_but_the_equation_2n2n/
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2 guys on a sky scraper

There were 2 guys working construction way up high on a sky scraper. They stopped to eat their lunch and the first guy says "Turkey again? If my wife makes this again tomorrow I'm jumping!". The second guy looks in his lunch and agrees "Yup! I'm so sick of turkey I'll jump with you!".
The next day at lunch time the first guy looks, sees the turkey sandwich and says "That's it! Nice knowing you!". He jots down a suicide note that says "I couldn't take another boring day with the same boring lunch!". He waves goodbye to his friend and jumps to his death. The second guy looks in his lunch, sees the turkey sandwich, writes a similar note and jumps.
After everyone discovered what happened the wives were notified and given the notes. The first guys wife is hysterical. "If I only had known! I would have switched it up more!". The second guys wife reads her note and gets a very confused look on her face. "What the fuck? He packs his own lunch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gmrbh/2_guys_on_a_sky_scraper/
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A plane crashes over a Pacific Island

An Army soldier, Airforce pilot, and Marine, are the only three to survive, but find themselves surrounded by a hungry group of cannibals. The tribe captures the three survivors and brings them to a bonfire. While they are getting the spits ready, the chief of the cannibals addresses the survivors:
"You are all screwed. You're outnumbered, weaponless, and tied up. We are going to skin you, eat you, then use your skin to make a canoe. By tradition, you must die by your own hand, but you may pick your weapon."
The solder replies, "welp, if it's gonna end like this, give me my pistol, so I can make it quick." The chief gives him his pistol with one round in it, and the soldier shoots himself. The cannibals take his body, skin it, and make a canoe out of it.
The pilot says, "I'd rather use my knife." He gets his knife, slits his wrists, and the cannibals take his body, skin it, and make a canoe out of it.
The Marine just glares at the chief.
“You're up” the chief tells him.
“Well fuck you, why don't you give me a fork,” the Marine replies.
"But that's not a weapon!” the chief tells him.
“Did I fucking stutter?” the Marine shoots back.
The chief summons someone to find a fork and give it to the Marine. As soon as the Marine has it in his hands, he starts stabbing himself over and over as hard as he can into his chest and stomach.
"What in the hell are you doing?!” the shocked chief cries out.
The Marine replies, "I'm fucking up your canoe!"
Sorry if this has been posted before, a friend recently told me this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gmlne/a_plane_crashes_over_a_pacific_island/
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This lot is frog parking only.

All others Toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gmkrl/this_lot_is_frog_parking_only/
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What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gmk2a/what_is_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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What program do Jedi masters use to open pdf files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gminz/what_program_do_jedi_masters_use_to_open_pdf_files/
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A day off . . .

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?"
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gmi0e/a_day_off/
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What do the the people of Jamestown have in common with my ex girlfriend?

They’re both settlers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gmg5n/what_do_the_the_people_of_jamestown_have_in/
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Three guys are waiting at the gates of heaven...

Saint Peter tells them they have lived a good life and may enter heaven under one condition,
“Don’t step on the ducks”.
The three guys look at each other in confusion but ultimately agree to the terms and enter heaven laughing at the thought of stepping on a duck.
As the gates open, their laughter quickly fades as they see that heaven is full of rows upon rows of ducks.
As the guys try to shuffle their way in, one of them accidentally steps on a duck. An angel quickly appears with an ugly woman and says,
“You have stepped on a duck so now you will spend the rest of eternity with this woman”
The angel handcuffs them together and sends them on their way. The two remain guys become nervous but continue to shuffle past the ducks. A few moments later another guy accidentally steps on a duck and the same angel returns but with an even uglier woman and he repeats his line and sends them on their way.
The last remaining guy decides its best just not to move. Weeks pass and still the guy hasn’t moved. The guy can’t take it anymore so he decides to finally move but just before he does, the angel appears with the most beautiful woman the guy as ever seen.
The guy says,” oh thank the heavens for this gift, what have I ever done to deserve you!”
The woman replies,” I don’t know, I just stepped on a duck”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gmexk/three_guys_are_waiting_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
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A farmer had 196 cows in his field

When he rounded them up he had 200

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gme97/a_farmer_had_196_cows_in_his_field/
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Farts are like children.

I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gmdsc/farts_are_like_children/
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What software does the Infinity Gauntlet run on?

ThanOS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gm5dh/what_software_does_the_infinity_gauntlet_run_on/
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I know April keeps going until May comes...(NSFW)

Because the wall I share with my lesbian neighbors is real thin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gm3ek/i_know_april_keeps_going_until_may_comesnsfw/
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I used to sell security alarms, door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gm39v/i_used_to_sell_security_alarms_door_to_door_and_i/
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Why can’t you play uno with Mexicans???

They take all the green cards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8glusm/why_cant_you_play_uno_with_mexicans/
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Bills to pay

Frank and Gary are getting off work on Friday evening, and Gary says, "Hey Frank, I'm going drinking with a buddy. You should join us!'
Frank hesitates a moment, and says, "don't think I should. I've got bills to pay."
Next Friday rolls around and Gary says to Frank, "Hey Frank, you should really come drinking with me and my buddy. You owe me one."
Frank looks at his feet, scratches the back of his head, and says, "Gary, you know I'd like to, but I really shouldn't, I've got bills to pay."
Gary raises an eyebrow, but accepts his friend's excuse.
The third Friday Gary says "Alright Frank, come drinking with me and my buddy and I'll pay your tab. You've got no excuse. Come on, it'll be a good time." Frank tries to protest but begrudgingly goes along.
They get to the bar and Gary's friend waves them over.
"So, Gary, this is the guy who keeps saying he's got bills to pay?"
"The same. Frank, meet Bill. Bill, meet - "
And then Bill snatched the toupee straight off Frank's head and stormed out of the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gluq5/bills_to_pay/
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The doctor told me that my dad died from choking on Viagra.

It was a hard pill to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8glsla/the_doctor_told_me_that_my_dad_died_from_choking/
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Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am...

...independent...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8glslb/turned_18_today_so_i_bought_a_locket_and_put_my/
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Stevie Wonder should be on The Voice

He'd probably kill the blind auditions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8glrhf/stevie_wonder_should_be_on_the_voice/
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What do you call an American navy ship that's been hijacked by communist pirates?

USS-Arrr!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gllpx/what_do_you_call_an_american_navy_ship_thats_been/
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Trump Hired Bill Clinton's Impeachment lawyer!

Just made me laugh more than many jokes i found here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8glkb0/trump_hired_bill_clintons_impeachment_lawyer/
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I got banned from the Friends subreddit...

For making Rachel slurs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gliy0/i_got_banned_from_the_friends_subreddit/
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A man is taking a stroll out during the night time

While walking he sees a sign outside of a bar that says "if you can complete the challenge you get free drinks for life!". The man thought that was pretty cool so he goes in. He asks the bartender what the challenge is. The bartender say "well you have to chug 2 bottles of vodka... without shedding a single tear, you have to rip out the rotten tooth of the crocodile in the back of the bar and he's a big one, and you have to go upstairs and give a woman who cannot have an orgasm, well, an orgasm" the man laughs and says "no one is stupid enough to try that...sober" immediately after that he says "pass me the 2 bottles". Amazingly he manages to finish them without shedding a tear, but is the drunkest he has ever been. He then goes to the back to the crocodile and after a while of comes back all scratched up and bitten. He then tells the bartender "ok...where's the woman with the rotten tooth".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8glh0h/a_man_is_taking_a_stroll_out_during_the_night_time/
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Well dressed!

I made a shirt out of thumb tacks because I wanted to look sharp, but everyone thought it looked tacky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gle0x/well_dressed/
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My roommate just got crusher by a lot of books

I guess he’s only got his shelf to blame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8glcap/my_roommate_just_got_crusher_by_a_lot_of_books/
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What do you call a treehugger that becomes a prostitue?

Leaf blower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gl7s7/what_do_you_call_a_treehugger_that_becomes_a/
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom she has missed her period for two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gl7ji/an_18_year_old_italian_girl_tells_her_mom_she_has/
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Have you heard of the new republican themed condom that is taking off?

It's extremely thin skinned and very sensitive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gl5ju/have_you_heard_of_the_new_republican_themed/
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A man walks into a library

-Excuse me, do you have books about diarrhea?
-Yes, sir
-Great, I'll need three pages

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gl29l/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall and they were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again with a room inside.

The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”
The mother, never having seen an elevator before, responded, “I have no idea."
While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
After he got in, the walls closed and the numbers counted up and then down. The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.
The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, “Go get your father.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gl24x/an_amish_girl_and_her_mother_were_visiting_a_mall/
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Three blonds are out walking in the Forest when they come across a set of tracks

“Those are deer tracks!” Said the first.
“No! They’re antelope tracks!” Said the second
“Oh no... they are definitely bear tracks!”said the third.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gl0w2/three_blonds_are_out_walking_in_the_forest_when/
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"I don't think the vasectomy worked", said the redneck to his friend.

"Why, you get yo wife pregnant?" asked the friend.
"Yeah not only that, the baby came out all black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gkyuy/i_dont_think_the_vasectomy_worked_said_the/
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Have you ever noticed that it's only perfect people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

He was the perfect son or she was the perfect daughter. Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family they died together. The perfect couple til the end.
Makes me glad I'm a twat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gkxcr/have_you_ever_noticed_that_its_only_perfect/
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My fetish is sex in the rain

It gets me fucking wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gkw3v/my_fetish_is_sex_in_the_rain/
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A man and his wife goes to the doctor because she is experiencing shortness of breath and she comes out of the exam room saying, "Well, the doc thinks I have a nice cooter!"

"What in the actual fuck?!!" says the husband.
"That's what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice cooter."
The husband is pissed and goes in to talk to the doctor.
"What's this about my wife having a nice cooter? I need a damn good explanation."
"That's not what I said," replies the doctor. "I said she has acute angina."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gkvvo/a_man_and_his_wife_goes_to_the_doctor_because_she/
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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gktjk/back_in_the_day_my_grandfather_started_to_say_you/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gkr00/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80_years/
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What’s the cheapest meat in the world?

Deer balls, they’re under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gkovv/whats_the_cheapest_meat_in_the_world/
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A French, American, and Chinese entered a competition

They want to see who will be crowned the best man in the world. To win the competition, they have to conquer 3 rooms: to kill a tiger in Room #1, to drink 1000 bottles of wine in Room #2, and to sex a beautiful girl 1000 times in Room #3.
The American, confident in his strength, stormed into Room #1 to kill the tiger. After one day of fighting, he was killed by the tiger.
The French, boasting of his prowess in romance, sauntered into Room #3. After sexing the girl for 500 times, he died of exhaustion.
The Chinese man, lost hope in his fate after seeing the others who died before him, decided that if he were to die, he might as well die drunk. After finishing the 1000 bottles of wine, he staggered into the the room with the tiger. After one day of screaming and violence, the dead tiger was dragged out of the room.
The Chinese man, still visibly drunk from the wine, said "Damn I am still so fucking drunk, can someone tell me where can I find the room with the tiger?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gkias/a_french_american_and_chinese_entered_a/
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f(x) walks into a bar

The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions".
f'(x) walks into a bar... Wait, isn't this the same joke? No, it's derivative humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gkh5w/fx_walks_into_a_bar/
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Dog for sale

A guy is hiking around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He knocks on the rickety door and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. The CIA found out too and In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running; I stopped terror attacks, saved the pope’s life, stopped a few wars from happening and was awarded a batch of medals.
Then a gun went off near my head and I haven’t been able to hear so well since,  so I was forced into retirement.
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? What?... This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a god damn liar. He never did any of that shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gkdm3/dog_for_sale/
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Perfect solution to make the Right want gun control...

Rename schools to uteruses so they’ll care about kids dying there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gkdkk/perfect_solution_to_make_the_right_want_gun/
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Which cheese is made backwards?

Edam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gkb40/which_cheese_is_made_backwards/
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A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gk5up/a_man_was_caught_by_a_cop_with_drugs_in_the/
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Yo mama so FAT

She can’t allocate files over 4 gb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gk5ff/yo_mama_so_fat/
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Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50

Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing..."Psst...come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit...that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gk4za/man_walks_into_a_pet_shop_and_sees_a_parrot_for/
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Grandma is buying a fishing rod

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gk4wu/grandma_is_buying_a_fishing_rod/
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A preacher and soldier are on a plane that is falling out of the sky with no parachutes...

The preacher turns to the soldier and angrily says “God has failed us. I have devoted my life to him and he rewards me with this?” The preacher promptly throws his bible out of the airplane.
The soldier reaches over to comfort the preacher. The soldier looks at him and says “before we die, I’ve always wanted to throw a grenade. Do you want to throw one out, too?”
The both of them pull the pins on their grenades and throw them as hard as they can.
——-
The plane was flying over a rural Midwest town and kids were walking to school. Two girls walk up to their school, holding a bible. They tell their teacher that as they were walking into school, this bible fell out of the sky and landed in front of them. They were both clearly inspired and took this as a sign from above.
Three boys arrived laughing their asses off minutes later and no matter how hard the teacher tried, she couldn’t get them to stop. Finally, she asked them what happened.
One of the boys replied “Tommy farted and the trees behind us blew up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gk1sa/a_preacher_and_soldier_are_on_a_plane_that_is/
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Whats the difference between sex and writing?

When having sex you need the rubber before you make the mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gk0nl/whats_the_difference_between_sex_and_writing/
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A sweet and innocent young Italian girl

gets married, but the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.
"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest ! What should I do ?"
The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, "Hair on his chest ? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother:
"Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?”
The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: "Hair on his legs? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs:
"Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half! What should I do?"
The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says:
"A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I'll go upstairs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gjzp4/a_sweet_and_innocent_young_italian_girl/
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What do you call a wolf that meditates

Aware wolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gjwvh/what_do_you_call_a_wolf_that_meditates/
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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"
The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "There is a cheaper option," said the vet. "Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up and put it in a Coors Lite can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
“I ain't no rocket surgeon," said the redneck, "but how's that gonna help me?"
“Trust me” said the vet.
So the redneck went home, drained a beer then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count:
“1… 2… 3… 4… 5…”
Once he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs, and resumed the count on his other hand.
***edit*** - Gilded? Well bless your heart! (also - drain=drink quickly)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gjvwp/redneck_vasectomy/
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Three sisters decided to get married on the same day...

to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart” the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gjuaf/three_sisters_decided_to_get_married_on_the_same/
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What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gjpmx/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.
The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 pounds for every inch." The man stretches out his arms as wide as he can. The royal tailor measures him and they pay him 72,000 pounds.
The second soldier is blind. He has extraordinarily long legs. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from his head to his toes and pay him 1,000 pounds for every inch." The royal tailor measures him and they pay him 76,000 pounds.
The third man looks perfectly healthy -- and absolutely average in every way. The Queen says, "And you, sir, how would you like to be compensated?"
The man says, "From the tip of my penis to the base of my testicles, your majesty."
The Queen arches an eyebrow and her eyes twinkle in amusement. "Very well. Measure this man from the tip of his penis to the base of his testicles and pay him 1,000 pounds for every inch."
The royal tailor squats in front of the man and arranges his tape measure, but then he stops. "Where are your testicles?"
"Last time I saw them, Afghanistan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gjou6/three_men_go_before_the_queen_to_be_rewarded_for/
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“Hey Tommy why’re you so out of breath?”

“Well I was just having the best sex of my life!”
“Wow it was so good it took your breath away?”
“Oh nah, I had to run - I heard a door open on the other side of the morgue”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gjfv6/hey_tommy_whyre_you_so_out_of_breath/
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What happens when you take an electron off a seal?

You get a sea lion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gj87w/what_happens_when_you_take_an_electron_off_a_seal/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gj7vk/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" the confused host asks.
"I'm a turtle," the man replies.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host says. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"
"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gj7n9/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party_with_nothing_but_a/
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A man brings a big dog into a bar

He asked the waitress for 2 glasses of beer, one for him and the other for his dog. The dog grabbed the bottle with his mouth and chugged down the beer, as skillful as his owner.
The waitress was very impressed and excitedly asked "What other tricks can your dog do?"
The man looked at her and said "My dog can also do sex!"
So, the waitress brought both of them up into the attic, took off all her clothes, laid down on the sofa, spread her legs and looked at the dog. But the dog just stood there and did nothing.
Angry, the man took off all his clothes and shouted at the dog "You stupid dog, this will be the last time I will show you how it is done!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gj6zf/a_man_brings_a_big_dog_into_a_bar/
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This woman was driving home in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

She stopped the car and asked the woman if she'd like a ride. The woman thanked her and got in the car.
After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag.
The driver said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, "Good trade."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gj6oq/this_woman_was_driving_home_in_northern_arizona/
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A priest was driving down the road one day when got stopped by a cop.

The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?"
The priest replied, "Only water, officer."
The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gj6fp/a_priest_was_driving_down_the_road_one_day_when/
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A drunk got on a bus one day and sat down next to a priest.

The drunk stank of wine, his shirt was stained, his face was all red, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gj6ak/a_drunk_got_on_a_bus_one_day_and_sat_down_next_to/
%
A man walks into a plastic surgeons office.

He asks the doctor "s-s-sir m-m-my d-d-dick i-is t-t-too l-l-l-long." The doctor replies, "Well how is that?" So the man says "w-w-well its s-s-so l-l-long that i-i-it p-p-pulls on my t-t-tongue a-a-and it g-g-gives me t-t-this s-s-stutter m-m-man!" The doctor replies "Oh ok I see, so I can schedule an appointment and were going to take out this part right in the middle, ok?" "Y-y-yes t-t-that w-w-w-would b-be awesome!" The man replies.
So a couple weeks after the operation the man walks through the doctors doors and says "Hey doc! Your operation worked perfectly and I already have a girlfriend! But she's been kinda complaining about my size and was wondering if I could get maybe another inch back?" So the doctor replies, "N-n-n-no a-a-absolutely n-n-not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gj67j/a_man_walks_into_a_plastic_surgeons_office/
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A military vet goes to the Post Office for a job interview.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
The guy replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK," says the interviewer, "Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," the guy says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer then says, "Okay, that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. So there's no point in your coming in for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gj5m3/a_military_vet_goes_to_the_post_office_for_a_job/
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I told my wife she makes a mean cup of coffee.

"Oh, thank you! Was it that great?" she asked.
I reminded I just told her it was average.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gj4yp/i_told_my_wife_she_makes_a_mean_cup_of_coffee/
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A woman visits the doctor because she's been suffering from some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After he finishes examining her, the doctor comes out to see her and says, "Well, I hope you like changing diapers."
The woman replies, "Oh my God! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"
The doctor says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gj3u2/a_woman_visits_the_doctor_because_shes_been/
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Why does Ganon hate the internet?

There are too many links.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gj1i3/why_does_ganon_hate_the_internet/
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How can you tell the difference between a Caucasian and an Asian?

If they're not white, they're wong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gizuv/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a/
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I loved watching "Leave it to Beaver"

Just so I could hear June say "Gosh Ward, you sure were hard on the Beaver last night"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8giy8m/i_loved_watching_leave_it_to_beaver/
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Why can’t men have unlimited orgasms?

Because nuttin’ would ever get done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gixk8/why_cant_men_have_unlimited_orgasms/
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Men are so sensitive ;)

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8giqha/men_are_so_sensitive/
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A mathematician is afraid of flying because of the risk of a terrorist bombing it in mid air. So he takes a bomb in his hand baggage

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gioa4/a_mathematician_is_afraid_of_flying_because_of/
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An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf

at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50 hand-jobs: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?" The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?" She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I sure am." The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gio6k/an_elderly_golfer_comes_in_after_a_good_round_of/
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Everyone talks about Peter Parker because he was lucky enough to get bitten by the cool kind of radioactive spider...

My buddy Dave got bit by a radioactive brown recluse, and he just turned into a shut in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gins7/everyone_talks_about_peter_parker_because_he_was/
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Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gini5/did_you_hear_the_score_of_the_england_vs_ethiopia/
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Jesus fed 2000 Christians with 2 fishes and 5 loaves of bread

Adolf made 6 million Jews toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gin6w/jesus_fed_2000_christians_with_2_fishes_and_5/
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What do toy trains and breasts have in common?

They are both determined for kids, but men play with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gilfr/what_do_toy_trains_and_breasts_have_in_common/
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Thor came down to Earth from Asgard

Thor goes to a singles bar to have a drink, and sees a beautiful girl he'd like to make love to. He goes over to buy her a drink, and she has a slight speech impediment, but Thor doesn't care because she is so beautiful and sexy.
They leave the bar, and go to her apartment, and proceed to have 8 hours of fantastic sex, every which way possible.
In the morning, he feels just a bit guilty, and decides to confess who he is to the woman.
"I have to tell you something, I'm really Thor"
She turns to him and says "YOU'RE THOR? I AM tho THOR I CAN'T EVEN PEE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gijvp/thor_came_down_to_earth_from_asgard/
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A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.
Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.
Priest: What about the kids?
Rabbi: Fuck the kids.
Priest: Do you think there is time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gijuf/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_traveling_in_a_airplane/
%
A man walks into a rooftop bar

and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gij4m/a_man_walks_into_a_rooftop_bar/
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Have you ever looked at a tree and wondered if it'd reveal to you what it's made of?

It wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8giijb/have_you_ever_looked_at_a_tree_and_wondered_if/
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What do you call a bakery that only sells bagels and donuts?

Hole foods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8giifg/what_do_you_call_a_bakery_that_only_sells_bagels/
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My Dad who plays golf.

I always asked dad why he bought an extra pair of socks when he played golf. Told me in case he got a hole in one. 😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8giiem/my_dad_who_plays_golf/
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Bruce and a Rich Man

A rather stupid, but rich man was on a luxury cruise when he met a French man named Bruce.
Bruce seemed to be quite popular on the cruise ship, as he had made a name for himself as a diver. It got to the point where he was just referred to as Bruce Diver. He would often tell people about what he saw underwater, and while his stories were obviously false, people still listened to them.
Brice attempted to flirt with the rich man, but he didn’t notice. He went on to tell him about a beautiful mermaid he had seen when he was scuba diving, saying that he saw it a few months ago near the area they were currently at.
The rich man got excited as soon as he heard this, but wondered if it would be a practical plan. He asked Bruce, who said that he should dress up as a Merman  to attract the Mermaid.
The man agreed, and the next night he dove underwater and saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. He swam over to her and took out his Schlong. The Mermaid sees this and giggles. She starts sucking it and after it’s over, the man takes off his disguise and says ‘Ha, I’m the rich man!’ The Mermaid starts laughing as well, and says ‘Ha, i maid those stories up, I’m Bruce Diver!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gifcb/bruce_and_a_rich_man/
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Why was the pencil brought in for questioning

Because they thought he was sketchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gieoi/why_was_the_pencil_brought_in_for_questioning/
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Yale is rescinding Bill Cosby’s honorary degree.

He still has his Doctorate of Applied Pharmaceuticals to fall back on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gidx0/yale_is_rescinding_bill_cosbys_honorary_degree/
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Teacher: If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar how much money would you have?

Me: 1 dollar
Teacher: You clearly don't know your arithmetic
Me: You clearly don't know my father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gidro/teacher_if_i_gave_you_a_dollar_and_your_father/
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An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan. . .

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan, which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.
Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.
His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.
"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."
"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.
"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."
"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I'll take you to it."
"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gid4c/an_old_man_lay_dying_under_the_ceiling_fan/
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I came, I saw, I died

Veni, Vidi, Avicii

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gi9ct/i_came_i_saw_i_died/
%
A old man walks into a McDonalds

He is bent over and shuffling slowly. He approaches the counter with great difficulty and orders an ice cream sundae.
The cashier asks "Crushed nuts?"
The old man replies, "No arthritis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gi5bb/a_old_man_walks_into_a_mcdonalds/
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Do you believe in Genies?

A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar homes.
On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows, it will cost a fortune to fix.”
The wife teed off and shanked it right through the window off the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. Lets go apologize, and see how much this is going to cost.”
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come in.”
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man sitting on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke that window?”
“Yes, sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“No actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish and keep one for myself.”
“OK, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for life.”
“No problem, its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife.
“I want a house in every country in the world,” said the wife.
“Consider it done,” the genie replied.
“And what is your wish, genie?” the husband asked.
“Well since I have been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”
The husband looked at the wife and said, “Well we did get a lot of money, and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.” It was OK with the wife too.
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over the, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
“He’s 35 and I’m 33,” she replied.
“And you both believe in genies? That’s amazing....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gi3sb/do_you_believe_in_genies/
%
A Woman Is Out Golfing And Finds A Frog Trapped In The Woods

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.
When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.
Male readers: Please continue reading.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gi2ab/a_woman_is_out_golfing_and_finds_a_frog_trapped/
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My wife said to me, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?”

I said, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten.”
“Listen! You never listen!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghzgm/my_wife_said_to_me_youre_shirtless_and_also/
%
What do you call a tick that lives on the moon?

A lunatic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghx6b/what_do_you_call_a_tick_that_lives_on_the_moon/
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I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS…

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghx1k/i_write_all_my_jokes_in_capitals/
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The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghvdh/the_misuse_of_users_facebook_data_has_caused_mark/
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What is an alternative term for anal bleaching?

Changing your ring tone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghv6m/what_is_an_alternative_term_for_anal_bleaching/
%
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.

I kept saying, "Get a load of this guy!", when someone walked in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghuz8/i_got_fired_from_the_sperm_bank_yesterday/
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If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghucw/if_trump_played_dnd_what_weapon_would_he_use/
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A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a tree.

Upon arrival at the tree he started to swing at the tree.
“But, I’m a talking tree,” said the tree.
“And you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghu6u/a_lumberjack_went_to_a_magic_forest_to_cut_a_tree/
%
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?

Beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghncm/if_theres_a_bee_in_my_hand_whats_in_my_eye/
%
What's the difference between a school and a Taliban Outpost?

I don't know. I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghn8r/whats_the_difference_between_a_school_and_a/
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Missionary

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and
build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He
realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak
English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points
to a tree and says to the chief "This is a tree." The chief looks at the
tree and replies "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They
walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says "This is a
rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and replies "Rock." The padre is really
getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic
activity. The padre is really flustered and
quickly responds "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls
out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the
chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind
to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied: "My bike."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghmvt/missionary/
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend

Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghlth/outside_of_a_dog_a_book_is_a_mans_best_friend/
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How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?

Ten

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghk2y/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_fill_an_apartment/
%
How do you prevent a wasp from using its stinger?

Steal all the crème de menthe from his country club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghfin/how_do_you_prevent_a_wasp_from_using_its_stinger/
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems...

when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ghdub/little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class_doing_math/
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A State Trooper pulled over a guy on the interstate, and asked him if the driver knew why he’d been pulled over.

“I assume you’re selling tickets to the State Troopers’ Ball,” smirked the driver.
“State Troopers don’t have balls,” replied the officer. Then he thought about what’d he’d just said, and said, “Have a nice day, sir.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gha71/a_state_trooper_pulled_over_a_guy_on_the/
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Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor

of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and *SWISH!*, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.
What a feat! exclaimed the Emperor. Number two Samurai, show me what you can do.
The Chinese Samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box releasing a fly. He drew his sword and *SWISH!SWISH*, the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered.
"That is skill," nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number Three?"
The Jewish Samurai, Obi-wan-Cohen stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his sword and *SWOOOOOOOOOOSH*, flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room, but the fly was still buzzing around.
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly is not dead!"
"Dead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy ~ but circumcised?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gh78y/once_upon_a_time_a_powerful_emperor/
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A King was going to war

but was worried about his beautiful Queen who was horny all the time.
Days prior to the war, he summoned the Royal Inventor and told him to design a chastity belt that will chop off any penis that got near her royal parts.
The Royal Inventor succeeded and the King commanded his Queen to put on the belt. He then summoned all the male servants of his palace and told them that anyone who had sexual relations with his Queen would be put to death.
The King then went off to war.
3 years later, he returned to his palace, triumphant.
He gathered all the male servants once again and commanded them to drop their pants.
All but one of the servants had their penises chopped in half.
The King then commanded his soldiers to chop off the heads of all those servants and put his arm around the one faithful servant.
“My boy, you have proved faithful and loyal to me. You will be rewarded handsomely. Tell me lad, what is your name.”
To which the servant replied,
“Erkh, ukh, ugh.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gh5yq/a_king_was_going_to_war/
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What kind of boat doesn’t let you be nude or swear?

A censorship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gh5ac/what_kind_of_boat_doesnt_let_you_be_nude_or_swear/
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Wife: I am going to London, What gift do you want?

Husband : One British girl ......
*Wife returns from London*
Husband : Where is my gift ?
Wife : Wait for nine months...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gh2xo/wife_i_am_going_to_london_what_gift_do_you_want/
%
There are japanese car parts falling from the sky here

It's raining datsun cogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gh1qo/there_are_japanese_car_parts_falling_from_the_sky/
%
A woman walks onto a bus

holding her baby. As she scans her card, the bus driver looks up to her and says, "Have a sea... Whoa, that is an ugly baby!!". The lady is shocked and shields the baby with her hand and takes a seat. She just sits there getting more and more angry. The man sitting next to her asks what's wrong.
She says, "That bus driver insulted me the moment I stepped onto this bus. He's a government employee!"
"You don't have to put up with that," the man said.
"You know what, you're right! I'm going to go up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"Good for you! I'll hold your monkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gh0ao/a_woman_walks_onto_a_bus/
%
Did you see the story in the newspaper about the sex attack at the laundry?

The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggyu9/did_you_see_the_story_in_the_newspaper_about_the/
%
Did I tell you about my addiction to Viagra?

It was the hardest time of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggyrc/did_i_tell_you_about_my_addiction_to_viagra/
%
I heard tornadoes were in the forecast.

But I’m sure Oklahoma will still be OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggxx3/i_heard_tornadoes_were_in_the_forecast/
%
Where do Baby jokes come from?

A dad joke and a yo momma walk into a bar, knock knock, then put little pun in the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggvvc/where_do_baby_jokes_come_from/
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What's the difference between a lobster with big breasts and an abandoned bus terminal that's fallen into disrepair?

Ones a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggu8f/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with_big/
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I was told I'd come into big money one day...

My obese wife is called penny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggton/i_was_told_id_come_into_big_money_one_day/
%
Did you hear about the broken helicopter that Mickey Mouse bought from Scotland?

Disneyland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggs0q/did_you_hear_about_the_broken_helicopter_that/
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What did the Madam say when the brothel went out of business?

Beat it! We're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggrwh/what_did_the_madam_say_when_the_brothel_went_out/
%
To all you you that think nut puns aren't funny...

You kernel fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggppg/to_all_you_you_that_think_nut_puns_arent_funny/
%
Why are funerals always at 9 or 10am?

I'm just not a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggpp9/why_are_funerals_always_at_9_or_10am/
%
To avoid being raped when I am in jail...

I stick a tube of toothpaste up my ass for complete cavity protection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggnl6/to_avoid_being_raped_when_i_am_in_jail/
%
How did the butcher introduce his wife ?

Meet patty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggm1i/how_did_the_butcher_introduce_his_wife/
%
My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives.

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gglru/my_wife_just_accused_me_of_hating_her_side_of_the/
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Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow says, “Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn’t it?”
The other responds, “Yea it is, thank god I’m a helicopter.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggig6/two_cows_are_standing_in_a_field/
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The word "nun" is just the letter "n"...

...doing a somersault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gghu6/the_word_nun_is_just_the_letter_n/
%
Who led the Jews through a semi permeable membrane?

Osmoses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggdkj/who_led_the_jews_through_a_semi_permeable_membrane/
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“Ever since she lost her job, my wife’s identical twin sister is living with us until she gets on her feet”

I told my friend.
He asked “just want to know , how do you tell them apart ?”
“ why should I ?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ggbia/ever_since_she_lost_her_job_my_wifes_identical/
%
What is round at each end and high in the middle??

Ohio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gg9g1/what_is_round_at_each_end_and_high_in_the_middle/
%
What does The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and Fast and Furious have in common?

All their Walkers are dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gg37l/what_does_the_walking_dead_game_of_thrones_and/
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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story - Pay your bills !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gfvnh/once_upon_a_time_there_lived_a_beautiful_queen/
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Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gftlz/once_upon_a_time_in_a_magical_fantasy_kingdom/
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[Long] Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives...

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved cricket all our lives, and we played cricket on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's bat and ball there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years.
If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe.
Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe."
I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's bat and ball in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play cricket all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike."
It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So, what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday's match !!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gfnyc/long_two_90_year_old_men_mike_and_joe_have_been/
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I asked my dealer if he had any sodium hypobromite

He replied ‘NaBrO’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gfi8v/i_asked_my_dealer_if_he_had_any_sodium_hypobromite/
%
What do you call a row of people lifting mozzarella?

##
A cheesy pick up line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gfgei/what_do_you_call_a_row_of_people_lifting/
%
People say I'm insane

But four out of five voices in my head disagree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gff9b/people_say_im_insane/
%
What do a horny walrus and a tupperware container have in common?

They're both looking for a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gfcbc/what_do_a_horny_walrus_and_a_tupperware_container/
%
I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gf7gh/i_just_watched_a_program_about_beavers/
%
I heard Usain Bolt once won a race while resting.

He was fast asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gf72n/i_heard_usain_bolt_once_won_a_race_while_resting/
%
I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons.

I drink it for other reasons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gf4ji/i_dont_drink_alcohol_for_religious_reasons/
%
3 guys were at their final test to become FBI agents.

The instructor said " ok guys during this job we have a lot of information that can't be leaked. So to prove you will do anything to keep this information confidential we have each of your wives in a separate room. I want you to take this gun and kill your wife."
The first guy takes the gun goes into the room and shortly comes out again.  "I can't do this he says"
The second guy takes the gun goes into his wife's room and walks right back out.  "I love my wife to much there is no way".
The third guy takes the gun walks into the room with his wife.  The other two guys waiting outside hear a loud bang, then what sounded like a scuffle and fighting.  Finally the third guy comes out. The other 2 guys are in shocked, they said "oh my god I can't believe you actually shot your wife"
The third guy says " no some asshole put blanks in the gun so I had to beat her to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gf3wb/3_guys_were_at_their_final_test_to_become_fbi/
%
Make love with Ghosts

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
.
To get a feel for his audience, the lecturer asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
.
About 90 students raised their hands.
.
"Well, that's a good start.
.
Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
.
About 40 students raised their hands.
.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
.
About 15 students raised their hands.
.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
.
Three students raised their hands.
.
"That's fantastic.
.
Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
.
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
.
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
.
Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gf2u0/make_love_with_ghosts/
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Job interviewer: “So, where would you see yourself in five years’ time?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gf0pw/job_interviewer_so_where_would_you_see_yourself/
%
My wife says I never listen to her

or something like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gf0ic/my_wife_says_i_never_listen_to_her/
%
A lawyer is waiting in a long queue.

He feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders. He turns around. "What do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gezsw/a_lawyer_is_waiting_in_a_long_queue/
%
A hippy college kid is taking a survey around town.

He walks up to one guy and asks, “ Hey man, ever been to jail?” The guy tells the hippy no and goes on about his day.
The hippy then walks up to another man walking down the street and asks him, “Hey bud, ever get nabbed by the cops?” The man says yes and carries on about his day.
Finally, the hippy comes to an attractive blonde. Despite his obvious erection he goes up to the blonde and asks, “Hey, sexy. Ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
She looks down and notices his erection  and says, “No. But I have been swung around by the tits. What did you have in mind?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gezep/a_hippy_college_kid_is_taking_a_survey_around_town/
%
I began reading a horror novel in Braille, something bad is about to happen.

I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8geyp1/i_began_reading_a_horror_novel_in_braille/
%
People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”

I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gew1s/people_wonder_why_i_call_my_toilet_the_jim/
%
Why don’t teddy bears ever order dessert?

Because they’re always stuffed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gevp2/why_dont_teddy_bears_ever_order_dessert/
%
A night with a biker...

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn.  He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said.  They couldn't believe it. They said, Mick's eyes all bloodshot. "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips.
Mick sat up and watched me all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gesy1/a_night_with_a_biker/
%
What does the C in r/Jokes stand for?

creativity and cleverness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ger8r/what_does_the_c_in_rjokes_stand_for/
%
A man is walking through the grocery store, and puts a case of beer in his cart

His wife says: “you don’t need that. Put that back.”
The husband says: “Yes, dear,” and puts the case of beer back on the shelf.
Later, the wife picks up a container from the cosmetics aisle and puts it in the cart.
“What is this?” The husband asks.
“It’s face cream. I wear it so I can look pretty for you.”
“How much is it?” The husband asks.
“$25,” she replies.
The husband says: “The beer was only six bucks, and it would have done the exact same thing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gepvh/a_man_is_walking_through_the_grocery_store_and/
%
What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gepth/what_has_one_horn_and_gives_milk/
%
Why are orphans horrible at baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gekwg/why_are_orphans_horrible_at_baseball/
%
FDR was the worst president

He never stood for what he believed in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gein4/fdr_was_the_worst_president/
%
Walk-in Closet

I went into my walk-in closet this morning and turned on the light. To my surprise, I saw my wife licking moth balls.
I was actually impressed she was able to get the little fucker's legs apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gefu5/walkin_closet/
%
If Eve was the first carpenter, she also must have been very rich.

Eve was a carpenter because she made Adam’s banana stand.
And there is always money in the banana stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gef27/if_eve_was_the_first_carpenter_she_also_must_have/
%
Why doesn't Marvel advertise on Hulk?

He is basically a giant banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8geccd/why_doesnt_marvel_advertise_on_hulk/
%
Communism never killed anyone.

They died due to starvation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8geap5/communism_never_killed_anyone/
%
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ge82w/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
Why did the nazi move to the equator?

He doesn’t like the poles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ge6o7/why_did_the_nazi_move_to_the_equator/
%
What did the Redditor say when he forgot which joke he was telling?

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ge4ud/what_did_the_redditor_say_when_he_forgot_which/
%
I didn't go to the Mayday rally today.

People said it would be perfectly safe, but I saw a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ge47t/i_didnt_go_to_the_mayday_rally_today/
%
Classic IBM salesman joke

Three women were talking about their husbands and their love making, and the first one says, "My husband is an athlete and when he makes love to me, he is so powerful that I am swept up in his body, and it's wonderful"
The second woman says, "My husband is a violinist, and when we make love, he knows how to play me like I'm a fine musical instrument, and it's overwhelming and beautiful"
The third woman says, "My husband is a salesman for IBM, and he doesn't actually make love to me, he just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ge40f/classic_ibm_salesman_joke/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two.  The tricky part's getting them inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdzpe/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
Did you know that you can tell an ant's gender by putting it in water?

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdye3/did_you_know_that_you_can_tell_an_ants_gender_by/
%
As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.

The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdwhc/as_the_titanic_sank_the_musicians_remained_on/
%
Why do strings never win?

Because they only tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdusj/why_do_strings_never_win/
%
A man is getting married in a week.

He decides he wants to have his stag party while playing a round of golf.  After a couple of holes, the man gets his in the genitalia by a rogue golf ball.  Wanting to make sure everything is OK, he goes to a doctor.  He asks the doctor, "I'm getting married in a week and my fiance is a virgin.  Will I be able to give her a proper wedding night?"
The doctor replies, "You should be fine by then, but I'll give you a splint just to be sure."
So the doctor grabs four tongue depressors, puts them on the man's Johnson, and sends him on his way.
On his wedding night, the man's wife comes to him in some fancy lingerie and the man is speechless.  His wife looks amazing, and he can't stop looking at her breasts.  She notices, pushes her bosom together, and says flirtatiously, "No man has touched these before."
The man drops his pants and replies, "That's nothing!  Mine is still in the original box!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdudz/a_man_is_getting_married_in_a_week/
%
A Spanish Magician

said that he would preform a final trick for his audience. He told them that he would disappear in three seconds. He counted, "uno, dos," and left without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdq0p/a_spanish_magician/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

You dress her up like an altar boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdmg2/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
What does a married math teacher call his bed?

A multiplication table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdjuh/what_does_a_married_math_teacher_call_his_bed/
%
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdihq/why_do_scotsmen_wear_kilts/
%
What is a caveman's favourite thing to do on a Friday night?

Go clubbing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdhoe/what_is_a_cavemans_favourite_thing_to_do_on_a/
%
What’s a wind turbine’s favourite kind of music?

Well I don’t know much but I’d say they’re a big metal fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdfxo/whats_a_wind_turbines_favourite_kind_of_music/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdejx/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdd86/where_are_average_things_manufactured/
%
White bread or wheat bread?

Tough doughcision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdd2j/white_bread_or_wheat_bread/
%
What do you get when you buy 3 aliens but they give you 5?

Extra terrestrials.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdd1g/what_do_you_get_when_you_buy_3_aliens_but_they/
%
New shoes in Soviet Russia

Comrades Evgeny and Aleksander are old-time friends. One day Evgeny meets Aleksander in the street and tells him excitedly that a new batch of shoes has finally become available to purchase as part of the current five-year plan! He knows Aleksander badly needs new shoes, his only pair are worn from two decades of use.
Aleksander is very excited -- "Thank you Zhenia, where is the sale?"
"At the shoe cooperative in Minsk. Let's go."
Aleksander, now very angry -- "Zhenya, why are you telling me this? We live in Moscow, Minsk is more than 700km* away, it would take a whole day to drive there and we can't even afford the gas!"
"But Sasha, we don't have to drive there, the line starts just around the corner!"
---
\* Imperial translation: more than 400 miles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdcl9/new_shoes_in_soviet_russia/
%
A husband and wife are checking out of a hotel

Receptionist: "That will be $400, sir"
Husband: "But we only stayed one night! Why is it so expensive???"
Receptionist: "We are a 5 star hotel, sir, with a world class private golf course and one of the finest spas in the country."
Husband: "But we didn't use the golf course, and we didn't go to the spa!"
Receptionist: "I understand, sir, but it was there if you wanted to."
The husband pulls out $100 and hands it to the receptionist.
Receptionist: "excuse me, sir, but you're $300 short"
Husband: "The cost for sleeping with my wife is $300"
Receptionist: "I did not sleep with your wife!!!"
Husband: "I understand, but she was there if you wanted to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gdbbu/a_husband_and_wife_are_checking_out_of_a_hotel/
%
Hugh Hefner was actually a big proponent of Elon Musk when he was alive.

He first heard about Space-X on the radio.
"Space sex?" he asked. "Sign me the fuck up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gd8bx/hugh_hefner_was_actually_a_big_proponent_of_elon/
%
It's rainy outside, gf is looking through the window totally depressed... I don't know what to do

Should I let her come in ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcxj3/its_rainy_outside_gf_is_looking_through_the/
%
How does Moses make his coffee

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcsrz/how_does_moses_make_his_coffee/
%
Why do people like American bars so much?

You get free shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcqp8/why_do_people_like_american_bars_so_much/
%
Satan was showing a group of people how he flexes one of his muscles.

It was a demonsstriation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcoz7/satan_was_showing_a_group_of_people_how_he_flexes/
%
I hate when people say tomatoes are fruits and not vegetables.

If a gay dude in a wheelchair can be both, why can't a tomato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcogt/i_hate_when_people_say_tomatoes_are_fruits_and/
%
A student gets asked a question by his teacher:

"There were three birds on a branch. A hunter shot one. How many are still on the branch?"
"None. Since the hunter shot the bird, the others flew away!"-Replied the student.
"Mathematically, that's incorrect, but I like the way you are thinking" -Said the teacher.
Then the student asked: "Can I ask YOU a question then?"
"Of course"
"Three women are eating ice cream. One is licking it, the second is sucking it, and the third is biting it. Which one do you think is married?"-Asked the student.
"I think it's the one that's sucking it"-Said the teacher.
The student smiled back and said:"No, the woman who is married is wearing a ring, but I like the way you are thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcnmi/a_student_gets_asked_a_question_by_his_teacher/
%
Girls only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcmrt/girls_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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I think as marriages go, we’re doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcko3/i_think_as_marriages_go_were_doing_absolutely/
%
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.

Being a sniper is awesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcgyy/i_took_my_motherinlaw_out_yesterday_morning/
%
What succeeds?

A toothless parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcgqh/what_succeeds/
%
[spoilers] Roses are red, the sea's full of salt

Everyone's dead, It's all Star Lord's fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcgdi/spoilers_roses_are_red_the_seas_full_of_salt/
%
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm but I accidentally handed her superglue instead.

She's still not talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gce0e/my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her_lip_balm_but_i/
%
Bob left work one Friday evening but since it was payday he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcdg0/bob_left_work_one_friday_evening_but_since_it_was/
%
Children are like farts.

Your own are just about bearable, but everyone else's are horrendous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gccdc/children_are_like_farts/
%
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcbug/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_two_doors/
%
A French, German and an Italian spy are captured.

Their captors come into the cell where the spies are being held, grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.
They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.
The captors then throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.
They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.
4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.
The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk.
The Italian spy says, " I wanted to, but I couldn't move my hands!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcasl/a_french_german_and_an_italian_spy_are_captured/
%
Two Americans decide to start a bungee jumping business in Mexico.

They're almost done setting up on a bridge by a city but first they have to test to see if the cord will work.
So one of the men ties the cord to himself, jumps off, and comes back up with scratches on his face.
So they get a shorter cord and the same guy tests it again.
Before he jumps, they notice below that a large crowd has gathered with brooms in their hands.
He jumps and this time he comes back up with bruises and a broken bone.
The other guy says to him, "I thought that would be the perfect length that time."
The other guy that jumped replies, “It was. By the way, what the hell is a pinata?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gcai1/two_americans_decide_to_start_a_bungee_jumping/
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I kinda feel sorry for Hitler.

Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gc99p/i_kinda_feel_sorry_for_hitler/
%
A young girl wanders into a section of beach designated for nudists only...

A man sees the young girl approaching him and quickly covers up his privates with a small towel. She asks the man what’s under his towel and he says that it’s his little birdie. She asks if she can play with his little bird but the man insists that it is sleeping. The girl keeps pleading with the man to see his birdie and finally he snaps at her to get her to leave him alone. Reluctantly the girl walks away.
Some time passes and the man falls asleep and is awakened later in agonizing pain. He looks down to see his privates destroyed. Nearby, he sees the little girl playing in the sand and screams to her, “What in the hell happened to me? We’re you here the whole time?”
The girl answered, “Well yes Mister, you fell asleep so I decided to play with your bird. I was playing with it, but then it spit on me. So I broke its neck, squashed its eggs, and burnt its nest down.”
Enjoy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gc956/a_young_girl_wanders_into_a_section_of_beach/
%
Glory holes are so impersonal

all in all you're just another dick in the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gc8jb/glory_holes_are_so_impersonal/
%
A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.

The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed.
She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.
His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gc7kq/a_redneck_couple_gets_married_and_are_on_their/
%
What did Donald Trump say to the people that tried unsuccesfully to hang him?

Fake noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gc7dj/what_did_donald_trump_say_to_the_people_that/
%
A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,  "Perfect timing.  You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few dark clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. He really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man!  He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gc6zo/a_guy_walks_out_to_the_street_and_catches_a_taxi/
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What type of fun does a priest have?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gc6rr/what_type_of_fun_does_a_priest_have/
%
Two young rednecks were looking at a Sears catalogue and admiring the models.

Earl says to the Bubba, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?"
Bubba replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Earl says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Bubba smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I'll get one too."
Three weeks later, Bubba asks his friend Earl, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalogue?"
Earl replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gc6nb/two_young_rednecks_were_looking_at_a_sears/
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I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gc6fs/i_took_my_grandma_to_a_fish_spa_center_where_the/
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Condoms don't guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gc3ra/condoms_dont_guarantee_safe_sex_any_more/
%
A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."
But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.
When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" the woman asked.
"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."
The woman quickly looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! I left my baby on the bus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gc2xc/a_woman_was_walking_down_the_street_with_her/
%
A man walks into a bar and a busty blonde waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

The man looks up at the menu above the bar and sees that it says, "Hot dog $2, Cheese burger $5, Hand job $10".
He asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
She winks and replies, "Why yes I am".
The man says, "Well in that case, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gc1ma/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_a_busty_blonde/
%
Did you know the first french fries weren't actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gbzb2/did_you_know_the_first_french_fries_werent/
%
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi all go fishing...

One day, a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish rabbi were out fishing on a lake. As the day wore on, the priest elected to head back to shore, so that he could begin preparations for the evening meal. Stepping out of the boat, he walked back to the beach.
About an hour later, the rabbi had grown somewhat tired of fishing, and chose to join the priest back on land. He too stepped out of the boat and walked to shore.
Upon witnessing these apparent miracles, the minister said to himself: "Surely, if the priest and rabbi possess sufficient faith to walk on water, then I must as well." Having become convinced of this apparent fact, he stood up, stepped out of the boat, and promptly fell into the lake.
Observing the minister's mishap from the beach, the rabbi turned to priest and said: "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gby7d/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_all_go_fishing/
%
A man, called to testify at the IRS

, asked his accountant for advice on
what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a
pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and
tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,
and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story,"
replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what
to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that
goes right upto your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got
conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right
down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do
with my problem with the IRS?"
Rabbi said “No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gbxlj/a_man_called_to_testify_at_the_irs/
%
Does anyone know what's so special about Vantablack?

I think it's really lackluster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gbqyd/does_anyone_know_whats_so_special_about_vantablack/
%
A stockbroker from New York decides to quit the big city . . .

. . . so he buys a ranch in Texas miles from everyone for some solitude.
After about 4 months, while he's clearing brush, a cowboy on horseback comes up.
'How doin. I have the ranch just next to ya. Heard you were the new neighbor."
"Yeah."
"I'd like to invite you to a party."
The NY guy is feeling kind of lonely so he says, "OK."
The Cowboy says, "I gotta warn you, there will be some drinkin'."
"OK, I like a good shot of whiskey every once in a while."
"And there may be some dancin'."
""Well, I'm not too bad, I think I can cut a rug."
"And there may be some fightin'."
"Well I think I can hold my own if it comes down to that."
"And there's definitely gonna be some fuckin'."
"Well, I've been alone for a while, I don't mind that . . . so who all is going to be there?"
"It's just you and me partner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gbqfq/a_stockbroker_from_new_york_decides_to_quit_the/
%
How does a robot have sex when he is in a rush?

Screws, nuts, and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gbo85/how_does_a_robot_have_sex_when_he_is_in_a_rush/
%
How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl cry?

Ten-tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gbnnx/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_japanese/
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What do you call a pizza place that doesn't serve pizza?

Closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gbkmk/what_do_you_call_a_pizza_place_that_doesnt_serve/
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The handsome radio host

Had a call in contest and the first person to call would get anything they asked for within reason. The phones explode with callers and he answers the first caller. It's an old crippled woman who happens to be in a wheelchair. She said she never had a date in her whole life and would like a date with the radio host. The host being a giving man said sure where would you like to go for a date. The old lady said the beach I would love our date to be on the beach. So the next day the radio host picked her up and took her to the beach for a date they laughed and had a good date. at the end of the date the old lady and the host where sitting on the dock and she said this has been the best day of my life I can die happy now. He drops her off at home and then the next morning he does the call in contest again. He said he had such a wonderful time on his date yesterday with the woman he would like to make someones day amazing again so the callers call in and he answers the phone and it's the old woman again. She said I have never been kissed before and I would love to be kissed at the beach so he agreed again with no hesitation. So he picks her up and takes her to the dock on the beach at sunset and gives her an amazing stunning kiss. She looks up to him and says this is the most amazing day of my life I can die happy now. The host drops her off and then the next morning he said I love making people happy so I'm going to do the contest again. The phones explode with calls and it's the old woman again. She says I can't die happy yet I still haven't been f#$&ed. So the host says ok I'll do this for you but this is the last time I can help you ok? So where would you like to be f#$&ed? She said the beach so he picked her up and took her to the beach they end up on the docks and he asked you ready? And the old woman says yes I can't wait. He then pushes her wheelchair off the dock  and says your F#$&ed now!
This is a joke my dad told me years ago so idk if any of you heard it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gbh5s/the_handsome_radio_host/
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When you’ve had an absolute “I hate my job” day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
“Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested”
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: “I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gbg1a/when_youve_had_an_absolute_i_hate_my_job_day_try/
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A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy,

"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gbb9c/a_cowboy_lay_sprawled_across_three_entire_seats/
%
What do you call a nun on a bike?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gb4j5/what_do_you_call_a_nun_on_a_bike/
%
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gb3x8/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
%
The only thing Flat-Earthers have to fear....

Is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gb3vt/the_only_thing_flatearthers_have_to_fear/
%
James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gb08u/james_bond_retired_and_turned_down_a_knighthood/
%
I have CDO...

It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order,
*as they should be.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gazul/i_have_cdo/
%
Two friends are wandering through a forest....

....When they are captured by tribals. They take them to their leader.
The two guys beg for mercy. The leader, surprisingly spoke English. He says, “You have two choices: Death, or Bugaro.
The two guys think for a while. Then, the first one replies “Bugaro, i choose Bugaro”
“So be it” says the leader. Soon, the tribals come back, with a thick, piping hot, metal rod. They take off the man’s underwear, and shove the rod up his ass.
Seeing his friend in such pain, the other guy thinks that it’s better to die, than endure such punishment
“I choose death” he says
The tribals all look at him, in surprise, and then start singing
“DEATH BY BUGARO!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gazga/two_friends_are_wandering_through_a_forest/
%
My grandfather survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings

Being in Canada helped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gavii/my_grandfather_survived_both_the_hiroshima_and/
%
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan and groan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gauvj/why_does_helen_keller_masturbate_with_one_hand/
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Everytime I go to the gym, there's this big guy who won't take his eyes off me.

Im pretty sure he's on those stareroids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gauqk/everytime_i_go_to_the_gym_theres_this_big_guy_who/
%
Two conspiracy theorists died...

...or did they?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gaqam/two_conspiracy_theorists_died/
%
One day, in Ancient Rome

A senator was late to the Senate, when Cicero was giving a speech. He got there fifteen minutes after the start.
He slipped into his usual seat and whispered to the senator next to him: "What Cicero is talking about?"
His neighbor said: "I don't know, he hasn't got to the verb yet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gank2/one_day_in_ancient_rome/
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A man goes on a date with a patent examiner.

Things are going well, so they go back to his place, and end up having sex.
Afterwards, the man asks his date, "So, do you want to do this again tomorrow?"
His date replies: "I will report that your technique, while novel, is obvious to one skilled in the art.  Also I found some of your more extraordinary claims to be unsubstantiated."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gakun/a_man_goes_on_a_date_with_a_patent_examiner/
%
What do you call a hole that handicaps people?

Crippling depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gagtt/what_do_you_call_a_hole_that_handicaps_people/
%
Having an orgy and buffet combo was a bad idea

I'm so stuffed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gag8h/having_an_orgy_and_buffet_combo_was_a_bad_idea/
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The Bartender said "We don't serve time travellers."

Two time travellers walk into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gad03/the_bartender_said_we_dont_serve_time_travellers/
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An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"

The student replied, "It is obviously past."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8gacxz/an_old_teacher_asked_her_student_if_i_say_i_am/
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What do you call someone who is your friend only because of your money?

PayPal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ga8n4/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_your_friend_only/
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A guy asked his boss for a day off because he was feeling sick.

His boss told him : “When I’m feeling sick,I kiss my wife and kids,and my illness goes away.Try it.”
Ok - said the employee,
An hour passes and the boss asks him how it went.
The employee replies : “It was hard at first because she refused,but then your wife agreed and my illness dissapeared.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ga8ky/a_guy_asked_his_boss_for_a_day_off_because_he_was/
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After the helicopter crash, the blond pilot was asked what happened.

She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ga7kl/after_the_helicopter_crash_the_blond_pilot_was/
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When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ga69i/when_i_was_a_boy_i_had_a_disease_that_required_me/
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What does Gordon Ramsey shout when he sees a baby duckling gif on Reddit?

IT'S FUCKING r/aww !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ga5ci/what_does_gordon_ramsey_shout_when_he_sees_a_baby/
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A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ga4wl/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar_and_find_his_way_to_a/
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A man is laying on his death bed, with his wife next to him

He tells his wife
"Honey, you have always been there for me.  When I got in that terrible car accident and lost my leg, you were right there by my side.  When my business failed, you were still right there by my side.  Even last week, when the Dr gave me the terrible news, you were by my side and refused to leave.  I don't know how to say this honey, but I'm starting to think you are bad luck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ga1dy/a_man_is_laying_on_his_death_bed_with_his_wife/
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What do you call and Alligator who wears a vest ?

An Invest-igator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ga059/what_do_you_call_and_alligator_who_wears_a_vest/
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Russians are pretty good at buying time

one was Stalin for 74 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g9zgq/russians_are_pretty_good_at_buying_time/
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What is it called when your son tells you that your skin is so pale that you look like a vampire?

A Son-burn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g9x9b/what_is_it_called_when_your_son_tells_you_that/
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Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g9pz4/did_you_guys_know_that_the_soviet_union_made_the/
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I genuinely complemented on a coworkers moustache,

Now she's making a big deal with HR about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g9nus/i_genuinely_complemented_on_a_coworkers_moustache/
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I just got told I was the Worlds Most Pessimistic Person

I doubt I'll manage to win that title.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g9mcf/i_just_got_told_i_was_the_worlds_most_pessimistic/
%
What three words does a woman never want to hear when having sex?

"Honey, I'm home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g9lht/what_three_words_does_a_woman_never_want_to_hear/
%
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g9jn4/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
I once saw a dart hit a man and instantly paralyze him.

Those little Dodge's sure can pack a punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g9ixm/i_once_saw_a_dart_hit_a_man_and_instantly/
%
my girlfriend keeps trying to give me a blowjob while she’s on the treadmill

it’s like the worst running gag of all time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g9ava/my_girlfriend_keeps_trying_to_give_me_a_blowjob/
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Five people were tragically killed in a car accident

As their souls drifted heavenwards, they saw a band of angels, and they cried out "Ah! Angels!"
The angels saw the souls, but were too polite to say anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g974i/five_people_were_tragically_killed_in_a_car/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter what you call it, it’s not coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g9719/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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What do you call it when an ambulance hits a person?

Job security

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g91az/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_ambulance_hits_a/
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Why don't stupid people quit while they are ahead?

Idk but I will keep trying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g8zo3/why_dont_stupid_people_quit_while_they_are_ahead/
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People ask, "Why do you hunt evil spirits?"

It's because my doctor said exorcising would be good for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g8z0l/people_ask_why_do_you_hunt_evil_spirits/
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What do you say to your friend with the best memes?

Danks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g8wot/what_do_you_say_to_your_friend_with_the_best_memes/
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Man walks into a bar carrying his friends head and sets it on the counter. His friend orders a shot...

The bartender hands the man the shot and he feeds it to his friend.
Poof! He grows a torso. Excited now the friend orders another shot and again the man feeds it to him.
Poof! He grows arms and legs. Pushing his luck he orders another and throws it back.
Poof! The friend disappears.
The bartender looks at the man and says "that sucks, your friend should have quit while he was a head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g8qy3/man_walks_into_a_bar_carrying_his_friends_head/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g8qc8/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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This guy wants to be an actor

Even though he is quite talented, his weird name is getting on his way.
No talent hunter will give him a chance. He is very proud of his name and is not willing to change any of it: Penis Wagon Lesbian.
He will not use a stage name either.
Years go by without him getting any role. Finally he meets a talent hunter who is willing to meet him half way. Keep his name, just in a different form.
The first movie of Dick Van Dyke was a success.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g8oeh/this_guy_wants_to_be_an_actor/
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A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop asks, "Can I help with your luggage?"
"No," says the photon. "I'm travelling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g8me4/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
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A pirate captain is about to pillage a Royal Navy ship.

He calls to his aide, "Bring me my red coat!" When the aide asks why, he says, "If I get shot, the men won't see it and will keep on fighting." The aide praises the captain's intelligence and fetches the jacket. Then, as soon as they are about to attack, a lookout yells, "Captain, we just realized that there are in fact 20 enemy ships!" The captain suddenly goes very pale and calls, "Bring me my brown pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g8eoq/a_pirate_captain_is_about_to_pillage_a_royal_navy/
%
A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again the German guy takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner looks pretty taken aback, but again he nods approvingly and begins to roll yet another joint. Again he takes a puff and gives it to the German, and again the German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner takes the joint looking downcast and says “I’m sorry dude, that’s the dankest one I’ve got.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g8ddc/a_stoner_is_smoking_a_joint_at_a_hostel_when_a/
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What do you call two chiropractors who've got each other's backs?

Vertebros

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g8b48/what_do_you_call_two_chiropractors_whove_got_each/
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I heard the White House Correspondents Association is going to give equal time to a conservative comedian at next year's dinner

I hope a year is long enough to find one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g8a3a/i_heard_the_white_house_correspondents/
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Meanest Whore in the Yukon

A prospector struck it rich.
so he came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.
"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The prospector handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two botles of beer.
He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g8a1p/meanest_whore_in_the_yukon/
%
Two Conspiracy Theorists Die...

...as they stand before God waiting to be judged, God tells them that they each may ask him one question they have always wanted to be answered and he would answer it.
One of the conspiracy theorists steps forward and asks “who was REALLY behind 9/11?”
Before God can answer, the second one steps forward and says “can you confirm that vaccines cause autism and tell us who stands to profit from their continued use?”
God replies “9/11 was planned by Osama bin Laden and carried out by members of Al-Qaeda. Vaccines do not cause autism, and the only people profiting from their use are the people who are no longer dying from preventable diseases.”
The two men both look crestfallen. One of them leans over and whispers in the other’s ear... “Dude! This shit goes higher than we ever realized!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g89a7/two_conspiracy_theorists_die/
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Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g84j4/dr_watson_was_again_impressed_by_sherlock_holmes/
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What kind of car does a Weeaboo drive?

A Nii-san

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g842b/what_kind_of_car_does_a_weeaboo_drive/
%
Many things have changed...

Many things have changed since I became a dad...
My phone number, my address.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g80dj/many_things_have_changed/
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When I first joined the army they said that it'd be just like the movies

I didn't think that the movie they were referring to was brokeback mountain!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7zfm/when_i_first_joined_the_army_they_said_that_itd/
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Why are horses so pessimistic?

Because they're Naysayers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7zed/why_are_horses_so_pessimistic/
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An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.
On the other, they don't really help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7yyh/an_amputee_is_taking_part_in_a_discussion_on_the/
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Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells:
"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7yj6/two_priests_are_in_a_shower/
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007 recieves a new mission... to infiltrate a party and mingle.

His orders are to, "bond James, bond".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7xy0/007_recieves_a_new_mission_to_infiltrate_a_party/
%
I invented a new word today

Plagiarism!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7xcp/i_invented_a_new_word_today/
%
What is green and has 4 toes?

An avoquadtoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7wuf/what_is_green_and_has_4_toes/
%
How did Germany raise its GDP pc. during WW2?

Reduce the capita

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7tsn/how_did_germany_raise_its_gdp_pc_during_ww2/
%
When my dad died, it hit me really hard…

Drunken idiot fell on me off the ladder…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7quv/when_my_dad_died_it_hit_me_really_hard/
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An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

"Welcome to my domain!" Satan says, with a malicious grin and a nod to the lava pools and torture devices. "I hope it's to your liking."
"It's alright," the engineer says. "But it could do with some improvements. I'd be happy to help if you give me good treatment."
"What kind of improvements are we talking about?" Satan asks.
And so over the next few months, the engineer undertakes a comprehensive programme of refurbishment. He installs escalators, flushing toilets, motion-activated lighting and air conditioning. Satan is delighted with his work.
One day, God comes down to Hell (as he does every so often to check how things are going). He's shocked to see the changes that have been made and demands an explanation. Satan tells him all about the engineer.
"This isn't fair," God says. "I should get to use his services as well. If he helps me out, I'll let him in to Heaven."
"You can't do that," Satan says. "He's mine. We agreed that people went to either Heaven or Hell. I'm not letting you have him."
"Fine," God says. "I'll sue to be released from our agreement."
"Good luck with that," Satan says. "Not even God can find a good lawyer in Heaven."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7p9i/an_engineer_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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What starts with an e, ends with an e and contains one letter?

eone lettere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7no6/what_starts_with_an_e_ends_with_an_e_and_contains/
%
I saw a thistle painting onto a canvas.

It was an artychoke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7mi4/i_saw_a_thistle_painting_onto_a_canvas/
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I'm so glad my wife took the car and the house

from her first husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7l8m/im_so_glad_my_wife_took_the_car_and_the_house/
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Dad, why do scuba divers roll backwards off the boat?

Because, son, if they rolled forwards they'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7i4v/dad_why_do_scuba_divers_roll_backwards_off_the/
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Watching people write left-handed really irritates me.

It’s just not right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7h9y/watching_people_write_lefthanded_really_irritates/
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Racecar backwards is still racecar

But racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7gvd/racecar_backwards_is_still_racecar/
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I feel sorry for anus numbing cream.

It has to deal with sensitive arseholes all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7gpa/i_feel_sorry_for_anus_numbing_cream/
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I was in Minneapolis last night…

…until Mr. Apolis returned home unexpectedly…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7dyy/i_was_in_minneapolis_last_night/
%
An old man takes his weekly visit to his psychiatrist

The psychiatrist asks:
How is your relationship with god?
The old man replies:
It’s amazing, god helps me so much. Every night when I need to use the toilet, he turns the light on for me and closes it for me after I have finished. God is amazing.
The psychiatrist was shocked, so he calls the old mans daughter, he says:
Your father said that god turns the light on for him when he uses the toilet every night. What does he mean by this? I’m very shocked!
The daughter replies furiously:
That bastard has been pissing in the fucking fridge!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7c22/an_old_man_takes_his_weekly_visit_to_his/
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What do you call a stroller with a dead Baby in it?

A miscarriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g7bgm/what_do_you_call_a_stroller_with_a_dead_baby_in_it/
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What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?

The spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g79zp/what_do_you_call_a_sketchy_italian_neighborhood/
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What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g6ntp/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
What's the capital of Greece?

About 5 euros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g6jua/whats_the_capital_of_greece/
%
What is five hundred meters long and eats only potatoes?

Soviet bread line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g6itj/what_is_five_hundred_meters_long_and_eats_only/
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An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g6i02/an_old_cowboy_dressed_to_kill_with_cowboy_shirt/
%
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?

Neither have they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g6hnt/have_you_ever_tried_ethiopian_food/
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A bank CEO goes to Russia on a business trip.

While touring around Moscow, he gets into a nice restaurant. After ordering his food, he sees a beautiful woman sitting in the bar, looking at him. They start making eye-contact and eventually the CEO invites her over, being the nice gentleman he is. She accepts the invite and sits across the table. There is a slight problem; they do not speak each other’s language. The beautiful lady brings out a pen and a paper from her bag and draws a cigarette. The man instantly gives her a cigarette. Then she draws a wine glass, the man orders the best wine in the restaurant. After drinking the wine, the woman draws a house and this saddens the man deeply – “I knew she was going to ask for a mortgage”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g6evp/a_bank_ceo_goes_to_russia_on_a_business_trip/
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10,000 blondes meet at a football stadium...

10,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 10,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 10,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 10,000 blondes begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 10,000 blondes jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g6bls/10000_blondes_meet_at_a_football_stadium/
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My nickname is "Gillette" because I'm the best a man can get.

Also, I will cut you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g6bi1/my_nickname_is_gillette_because_im_the_best_a_man/
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Boy: You are very beautiful

Girl: You are only saying this because you wanna have sex with me...
Boy: Smart, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g67mu/boy_you_are_very_beautiful/
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Where was Drax in Avengers : Infinity War?

I saw his name in the credits and heard his voice sometimes, but why wasn't he in the movie?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g606m/where_was_drax_in_avengers_infinity_war/
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In an effort to not offend...

...The great white shark will now be named the average caucasian shark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g5t7z/in_an_effort_to_not_offend/
%
Favorite lame chemistry joke

Argon walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve noble gasses here".
Argon didn't react

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g5lv8/favorite_lame_chemistry_joke/
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When do you stop at green and go at red?

When you’re eating watermelon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g5ef2/when_do_you_stop_at_green_and_go_at_red/
%
How does Jesus make tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g5da2/how_does_jesus_make_tea/
%
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g59ur/my_wife_told_me_i_had_to_stop_acting_like_a/
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Spring is here, and the trees are getting their foliage back.

What a releaf!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g58k0/spring_is_here_and_the_trees_are_getting_their/
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Desert Deployment Story [OC] [Long]

When I was deployed to middle east there were these Asian or Arabic guys who made food and cleaned out the port-a-johns and things like that.  (I can’t tell what ethnicity they were because I’m from the Midwest and I don’t meet anyone who isn’t white or Latin-American or Vietnamese.)
Anyway one of them is a huge douche named Shey’Di.  He carries heavy tools and eats a lot and he got a big frame so he almost looks like he works out.  I call him buff Shey’Di.  Screw that guy.
One day a new guy shows up cleaning out the toilets, and he was the most emaciated-looking guy I’ve ever seen.  He looked like a holocaust survivor who went on a 7-day cleanse or something.  Very thin and gaunt guy.  I called him out on it too every time I saw him.
After a few weeks he says, “please stop call me by refer to my body.  It is very very rude!  My name is Shey’Di!”
“Wow!” I exclaim, “We got a jerk of a big guy called Shey’Di who already works here, little Shey’Di is you!”
This pissed him off and he wouldn’t talk to me anymore.
A few days later I was passing by the toilets
I heard someone crying out “Help me!  Someone please help!”
I like to think of myself as that-great-of-a-guy (I’m not but), so I went over to investigate.  Mind you I’m tired and it’s really hot so I just want to go in the shade, but I go over to the source of the worst stench on God’s kingdom – a used port-a-john baking in direct sun at 130 degrees.  I consider myself quite the hero for even going over there.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as I hurry over.
“It’s me Shey’Di, I am trapped in this shit-hole!”
“Huh?” Doesn’t make sense to me.
“The door jam!  Do not open!”
I figure I can pry the door open with my knife, but because I am not wanting to help out buff Shey’Di, I needed some clarification:
“Which Shey’Di are you?”
To this question, he replied, “I’m the real slim Shey’Di!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g57za/desert_deployment_story_oc_long/
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What does the barber do to the moon’s hair?

Eclipse it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g57lz/what_does_the_barber_do_to_the_moons_hair/
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My wife was dying.

I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "Theres something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright."
"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, "Thats why I poisoned you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g5250/my_wife_was_dying/
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C, E-flat and G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."
A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel.
Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g50nt/c_eflat_and_g_go_into_a_bar/
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What starts with T, ends with T and has T in it?

A Teapot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4slh/what_starts_with_t_ends_with_t_and_has_t_in_it/
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What has 10 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4s95/what_has_10_wheels_and_flies/
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A guy asked me: Who is this Chuck Norris guy?

Well, in short: He build the house he was born in by his aunt because no one dared to screw his mom. In his youth he molested catholic priests after that he joined  the army where He was a well known Kamikaze pilot for about 7 times. He made fire with a magnifying glass under water at night and counted to infinity 3 times. He was also the first person to get a refund on a parachute that didn't open after his jump. He died 10 years ago but death didn't find the balls to tell him and if you answer your phone and he is on the line than it wasn't him dialing the wrong but rather you are on the wrong phone.
Now jokes aside: if chuck Norris really has those super powers he wouldn't allow me to call him a little pussy on a public forum but would come and press my face into my keybhsgdhdjdhfjrjdjdjcjejejd dushccksixjcjskdbfbdjzbfr dhshxbfjfb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4rf8/a_guy_asked_me_who_is_this_chuck_norris_guy/
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What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot, you fucking racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4qx7/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_flying_a_plane/
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Best unspoken joke of Infinity War [SPOILER]

"Avengers: Disassemble!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4pxj/best_unspoken_joke_of_infinity_war_spoiler/
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19 and 20 had a fight

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4ot2/19_and_20_had_a_fight/
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People treat me like God

They only talk to me when they want something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4mp5/people_treat_me_like_god/
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[Mild Infinity War Spoiler] Did you guys see Peter Dinklage in the new Avengers film?

It was his biggest role to date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4kau/mild_infinity_war_spoiler_did_you_guys_see_peter/
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You won't go to prison for punching a tortilla...

But you might get a wrap on the knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4ipm/you_wont_go_to_prison_for_punching_a_tortilla/
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Donald Trump hired a group of drag queen sheep...

They were called the “Fake Ewes”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4ip1/donald_trump_hired_a_group_of_drag_queen_sheep/
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Why can’t dinosaurs talk?

Because they’re all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4hvi/why_cant_dinosaurs_talk/
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Spock has three ears

He has his right ear, he has his left ear, and he has his final front ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4erq/spock_has_three_ears/
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Two guys are playing a round of golf

They’re on the green of one hole just over a hill  when they hear a crack from the fairway behind them. A ball sails over the ridge and lands near the two golfers. One says to the other,
“Hey I’ve got an idea. Let’s put the ball in the hole and give the guy a hole in one.”
So they take the ball and put it in the hole. Minutes later a guy comes running over the ridge and asks if the guys had seen where his ball went.
One guy replies,
“Yes it came right over the ridge, bounced once, and went right in the hole!”
“Great!” the guy says, “That gives me a 9!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4e5z/two_guys_are_playing_a_round_of_golf/
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My boss rolled into work in a sweet new ride...

I said "Nice car, I'd kill to drive one of those!". He says "Well, if you set realistic goals, work hard and are determined I can get an even better one next year".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4dmg/my_boss_rolled_into_work_in_a_sweet_new_ride/
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What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The Polar Bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g4btj/whats_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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What do you get when you cross an anti-vaxxer with a stripper?

Pole-io

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g47uv/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_antivaxxer_with/
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It's kinda embarrassing, but I have a fetish for business software. So today I booted up my computer and started the dirty talk.

... unfortunately, it wasn't Intuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g46mp/its_kinda_embarrassing_but_i_have_a_fetish_for/
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What's the difference between a zit and a catholic priest?

A zit will wait until you're at least twelve before it comes on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g40nb/whats_the_difference_between_a_zit_and_a_catholic/
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Did you know Raymond Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack?

His name was Tim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g3wyb/did_you_know_raymond_burr_had_a_brother_who_was_a/
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What do you call a bird with a drinking problem?

An owlcoholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g3u3c/what_do_you_call_a_bird_with_a_drinking_problem/
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My SO has both reproductive organs

It's really the hole package.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g3tah/my_so_has_both_reproductive_organs/
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What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g3sd7/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
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The Titanic was relatively quiet before the disaster.

If only someone had broken the ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g3rhy/the_titanic_was_relatively_quiet_before_the/
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Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?

In a communest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g3kfx/where_does_a_socialist_bird_lay_its_eggs/
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Definitely

A third grade teacher is teaching her English class and calls on her students to use the word of the day in a correct sentence.
"Today's word is *definitely*.  Suzy, can you use the word *definitely in a sentence?"
"The sky is definitely blue" responds Suzy.
"Actually, the sky can be grey when it's gloomy out, and is black at night.  Sandra, would you like to try to use today's word in a sentence?"
"The grass is definitely green," replies Sandra.
"Actually, grass can be brown when it the ground gets too dry.  Johnny, can you use the word of the day in a sentence?"
Little Johnny squirms in his seat for moment, then asks "do farts have lumps?"
"No, I don't think so," says the teacher, startled by the response.
"Then I definitely just shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g3fm0/definitely/
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My wife caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I said “Honey, it's not what it looks like!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g3bla/my_wife_caught_me_masturbating_to_an_optical/
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A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.
He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your investment portfolio is $950 billion."
The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.
When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".
The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g39mh/a_man_ends_up_in_a_30year_coma/
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Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g39fx/back_in_ancient_egypt_the_standardized_units_of/
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A man entered a local paper's pun contest and sent in ten different ones hoping one of them will win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g3492/a_man_entered_a_local_papers_pun_contest_and_sent/
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A dairy farmer decided to boost productivity on his farm so he ordered a high-tech milking machine.

As his wife was out of town when it was delivered, he decided to test it on himself first and see if it gave him any pleasure.
So he inserted his penis into the machine, turned it on, and everything else was automatic.
It didn't take long before he realized the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife ever did.
However, when he tried to withdraw his penis from the machine, he realized he couldn't get it out.
In a panic, he read the manual but still couldn't find a way out.
He hurriedly tried every button on the instrument, but still nothing seem to work.
Finally, he decided he'd have to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line for help.
When he got through, he said, "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service guy on the other end of the line, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g317d/a_dairy_farmer_decided_to_boost_productivity_on/
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I told my wife I was going to drink 3 beers and be home at 10

Damn it, I always get those numbers mixed up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g30ri/i_told_my_wife_i_was_going_to_drink_3_beers_and/
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Irish accent recommended

A young Irish man named Paddy was moving away to London. He went to his next door neighbors (3 miles away) to say his goodbyes. His neighbors, Mr and Mrs Dunne, said their goodbyes and they asked Paddy
"Could you find our daughter Nelly Dunne and ask her why she isn't writing back home please?"
"Sure thing, do you know where abouts she is?" Paddy asked,
"Well we know she went to a place called WC1".
Paddy arrived into London and walked around the streets. As he wandered around, he saw a sign that said "WC" on it and an arrow pointing down some stairs. He went down and saw 3 stalls "WC1 - WC2 -WC3".
Paddy knocked on the door of WC1 and asked,
"Are you Nelly Dunne in there?"
A voice responded, "Yeah but theres no paper."
Paddy angrily replied with, "Well thats no reason for not writing to your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g30eo/irish_accent_recommended/
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Put a fork into an outlet.

What happens next will shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g309f/put_a_fork_into_an_outlet/
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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking his polyjuice potion?

Because it was making him moody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g2zhv/why_did_barty_crouch_jr_quit_drinking_his/
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What do you call a rich Asian man?

Cha Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g2z90/what_do_you_call_a_rich_asian_man/
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Why does Voldemort only use Twitter and not Facebook?

Because he only has followers, not friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g2z0p/why_does_voldemort_only_use_twitter_and_not/
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Harry can’t tell the difference between his potion brewing pot and his best friend…

They are both cauldron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g2yr7/harry_cant_tell_the_difference_between_his_potion/
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What do you call a bird with no limbs?

A chicken nugget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g2vre/what_do_you_call_a_bird_with_no_limbs/
%
Shoutout to my Grandpa

Because that's the only way he can hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g2v5a/shoutout_to_my_grandpa/
%
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said.  "Stand in the corner."  She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.  "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.  "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.  "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom.  I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue'.  "Eat something.  I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g2v1y/a_woman_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
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What's the difference between my kids and my socks?

Unfortunately, only my socks have gone missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g2piv/whats_the_difference_between_my_kids_and_my_socks/
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I finally quit taking Viagra last week...

it wasn't as hard as I thought!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g2li9/i_finally_quit_taking_viagra_last_week/
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What starts with "e," ends with "e," and contains one letter?

An envelope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g2g6w/what_starts_with_e_ends_with_e_and_contains_one/
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Gandhi, while he was a great person, had many flaws.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became very thick, and hard callouses developed on his toes. He often went on long hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. In addition to this, he also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed some very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g2e83/gandhi_while_he_was_a_great_person_had_many_flaws/
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In honour of Tax Deadline Day...

The owner of a local bar noticed that his sales were going down and decided to try holding a contest to get more people to come in. Since his hobby was body-building; he decided it should be a contest of strength. That way he reasoned; he'd never lose and would still get all the extra customers. So the next night, he stood up in the bar and issued his challenge. He set a lemon up on the bar and shouted out "I'm willing to pay $500 plus whatever's in the pot to anybody who can squeeze more juice out of this lemon than I can. It costs $2 to play. Any takers?"
A bunch of guys rushed over and tossed in their $2. Then the bar owner picked up the lemon, which was completely dwarfed by his massive hand and crushed it. Lemon juice ran like a river out of his hand. The competitors looked discouraged but all of them tried to get more juice out of it. Alas, their efforts were in vain.
This continued night after night and drew more & more people to the bar. Bigger and stronger guys came in but none of them were able to get so much as a drop of juice from the lemon after the bar owner was done with it.
Then one night a very small, frail-looking man came into the bar. He watched the proceedings and after everyone else in the bar had tried to squeeze more juice from the lemon; he walked up to the bar owner. He said "Here's my $2; I'd like to try squeezing the lemon."
The bar owner looked down at the man and laughed at him. "You think you can beat me, little man? HA!"
The small man just ignored them, took the lemon from bar owner and squeezed it. The flood of juice that came out of the lemon while the small man was squeezing it made the juice the bar owner had extracted look like the tiniest of drops.
Everybody in the bar was stunned into silence. The bar owner looked at the small man with awe and asked how he'd done that?
The man looked up with a smile on his face and said, "I work for the Canada Revenue Agency".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g21gc/in_honour_of_tax_deadline_day/
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What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g218q/what_do_you_call_two_monkeys_sharing_an_amazon/
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What gets funnier the more you read it?

Reposts /s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g20kv/what_gets_funnier_the_more_you_read_it/
%
Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.

The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.
Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.
Once they were seated and ready, she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g206z/four_high_school_kids_who_carpooled_together/
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Welcome to the "Masturbation 101" course. This is quite sudden, but there will be a test next week.

I hope all of you will come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g1uir/welcome_to_the_masturbation_101_course_this_is/
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What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon?

Kermit the frog's finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g1tak/whats_green_slimy_and_smells_like_bacon/
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How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g1q45/how_many_divorced_men_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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During meditation, a monk asks his master…

“Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?”
His master thought for a moment and replied:
“A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g1oiu/during_meditation_a_monk_asks_his_master/
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Why are vegetarians never involved in Any drama?

They can’t stand beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g1nvc/why_are_vegetarians_never_involved_in_any_drama/
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One day during the family lunch the youngest..

.. son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?
Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife
Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.
Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:
- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.
Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
- You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g1np4/one_day_during_the_family_lunch_the_youngest/
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I watched the new Infinity War movie yesterday...

I was Loki dying in the beginning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g1niq/i_watched_the_new_infinity_war_movie_yesterday/
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Why doesn't Nick Fury have a super-hero name?

Because "cyclops" was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g1mkt/why_doesnt_nick_fury_have_a_superhero_name/
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On the first day of school,

.. the  children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the  teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter  gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son  brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed  that it was leaking a little bit… She touched a drop of the liquid with  her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she  guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted  another drop and asked,
"Champagne ?"
"No," said the little  boy...........
"It's a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g1lk2/on_the_first_day_of_school/
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The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.

At least, that's what the restraining order says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g1k0a/the_most_beautiful_things_in_the_world_cannot_be/
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I ate at Mary Poppin's Restaurant last night...

Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g1jyv/i_ate_at_mary_poppins_restaurant_last_night/
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School is like a boner

It's long and hard, unless you're Asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g1isg/school_is_like_a_boner/
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You really have to pay attention in Jihad class

You only get one instructor and one demonstration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g1b8d/you_really_have_to_pay_attention_in_jihad_class/
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What do you call an introverted feminist?

An Antisocial Justice Warrior

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g18xm/what_do_you_call_an_introverted_feminist/
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What did the warden say to the new prisoner ?

Come in-mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g16cc/what_did_the_warden_say_to_the_new_prisoner/
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A prostitute asks her friend if she smokes after sex

She responds, I don't know, I never look.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g12yq/a_prostitute_asks_her_friend_if_she_smokes_after/
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A vegan, a bitcoin investor and someone who didn't vote in 2016 all walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g0wco/a_vegan_a_bitcoin_investor_and_someone_who_didnt/
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A married couple are driving down a highway

They are driving at 55 miles per hour when the wife looks to her husband, who is driving, and says she wants a divorce. The husband says nothing, but speeds up to 60 mph.
Surprised at how well he is taking it, she decides to tell him that she has been having an affair with his best friend, and says ‘he is a better lover than you’. Again, he says nothing, but speeds up to 65 mph, and so the Wife decides to make more demand.
‘I want the house’. 75 mph.
‘I want the kids’. 80 mph.
‘I want the bank details’. 85 mph.
Shocked at how well he seems to be taking it, she decides to ask him what he wants.
‘I’ve got everything I need already’, he responds.
‘What’s that?’
‘The airbag.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g0t7j/a_married_couple_are_driving_down_a_highway/
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Why don’t you ever see any Transgender parents?

Because they’re Trans-Parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g0orx/why_dont_you_ever_see_any_transgender_parents/
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Tomorrow I get to celebrate my girlfriend's birthday!

And in 31 days I get to stop celebrating my girlfriend's birthday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g0m2l/tomorrow_i_get_to_celebrate_my_girlfriends/
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The best way to avoid getting bitten by a black widow...

...is not wearing a red tie to her Crip husband's funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g0kxj/the_best_way_to_avoid_getting_bitten_by_a_black/
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A man stands up at a funeral

and says to the priest, 'Excuse me, Father... I knew the deceased. Would you mind if I said a quick word?'
The priest nods him on, so the man clears his throat, pauses for a moment, and says, 'Plethora', before sitting back down.
The widow goes back to the man, gives him a hug and says, 'Thank you. That means a lot.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g0jkc/a_man_stands_up_at_a_funeral/
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I got fired from my job at the marble mine today

I kept taking it for granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g0hqv/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_marble_mine_today/
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Why are there ornamental cannons on the state house lawns?

They are a monument to the state employees. They don't work and are impossible to fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g0gma/why_are_there_ornamental_cannons_on_the_state/
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Was paranoid because I had a blood test

Still got an A+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g04qg/was_paranoid_because_i_had_a_blood_test/
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What can Jesus do to water and Athiests?

Make them both wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g0319/what_can_jesus_do_to_water_and_athiests/
%
A man is in a hotel lobby...

He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g01x6/a_man_is_in_a_hotel_lobby/
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What did the stoner musician hit me on the head with?

A blunt instrument

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8g00ds/what_did_the_stoner_musician_hit_me_on_the_head/
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What stays in the corner, and travels all over the world?

A stamp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fzzw4/what_stays_in_the_corner_and_travels_all_over_the/
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fzuvl/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_forest_and_no_one_is/
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What does every women in the world want?

Nothing, they’re fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fzjto/what_does_every_women_in_the_world_want/
%
My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved in drugs.

......an Audi Q7 & his own house by the age of 20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fzjb0/my_younger_brother_is_an_example_of_what_can/
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I’m divorcing my wife. First it was the, window cleaner then the postman, her ex-boyfriend, and then my best mate

It’s pretty clear…I just really love cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fzhrl/im_divorcing_my_wife_first_it_was_the_window/
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How do shoes find love?

They find their sole mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fzeh1/how_do_shoes_find_love/
%
I’ve just received a phone call saying I’ve won £250 or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show...

...it said press 1 for the money, 2 for the show

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fzdq9/ive_just_received_a_phone_call_saying_ive_won_250/
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The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fzddi/the_bacon_tree/
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Kid asks where his name came from.

Kid 1: Dad, how did you come up with my name?
Dad: A Rose petal fell on your nose and so we named you Rose.
Kid 2: Dad, what about mine?
Dad: A Hair landed on your nose, Hairy.
Kid 3: I liEk cHiken fInGeRs
Dad: Shut the fuck up, Brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fz6yo/kid_asks_where_his_name_came_from/
%
Why are Grizzlies such horrible employees?

They will only do the bear minimum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fz6yk/why_are_grizzlies_such_horrible_employees/
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A strange man was knocking on Paris Hilton’s door all through the night.

By morning, she was fed up with it, so she let him out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fz2k5/a_strange_man_was_knocking_on_paris_hiltons_door/
%
My new girlfriend has been telling people about me.

I'm flattered, but she could at least have kept us a secret from the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fz1ek/my_new_girlfriend_has_been_telling_people_about_me/
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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fyt49/why_is_it_so_hard_for_women_to_find_men_that_are/
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Robot for sale

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fypws/robot_for_sale/
%
Where is bad dessert taken?

Into custard-y!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fyoxo/where_is_bad_dessert_taken/
%
A man was hired to ring a church bell...

...but he wasn't very good at it. Every time he rung the bell it came back and smacked him in the face. He kept trying to duck under the bell but it kept hitting him.
Eventually, at the end of his shift he rang the bell one last time. Again, the bell hit him in his aching face, but this time he stumbled back and fell off the church tower, landing on the ground below.
An ambulance quickly arrived on the scene, one of the medics looked at the poor man's face. "Hmm...he looks familiar." said the medic. "How can you say that? His face is unrecognisable!" said the other medic. "I'm sure I recognise him! His face definitely rings a bell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fyoev/a_man_was_hired_to_ring_a_church_bell/
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fyn2n/the_first_computer_dates_back_to_adam_and_eve/
%
I'd always thought air was free

But then I bought a bag of chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fymhd/id_always_thought_air_was_free/
%
Who was the longest sitting U.S. President?

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fyj04/who_was_the_longest_sitting_us_president/
%
I dint know what to buy for my dad as his birthday present, so I gave him 100 dollars and told him to buy something that will make his life easier

He bought something for my mum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fyijq/i_dint_know_what_to_buy_for_my_dad_as_his/
%
Angry Wife

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know.
The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fyiin/angry_wife/
%
A donkey is having a drink in a pub

when he spots a horse at the bar so goes over for a chat. "What do you do for a living then?" asks the donkey. "I'm a racehorse" comes the reply. "Oh right" says the donkey, "have you won any races then?". "Well", says the horse, " on the flat I've won the 2,000 guineas & the derby, & over the jumps I've won the grand national & the cheltenham gold cup".
The donkey is impressed & they have a few more drinks, & eventually  arrange to meet at the donkeys house a week later for a meal.
Before they meet again, the donkey feels a little inferior, what with the horse being so successful & all, so thinks he'll need to impress him when they meet up again. So after a brainwave, he goes out, buys a huge picture of a zebra & gives it pride of place in his home, hanging over the fireplace.
When the horse calls round to the donkeys house, he says, "very nice place you have here, who's the zebra in the picture?" The donkey replies "that's not a zebra mate, that's me when I played for Juventus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fyggv/a_donkey_is_having_a_drink_in_a_pub/
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Chuck Norris doesn't have a father...

Because no one dared to fuck his mother...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fygbw/chuck_norris_doesnt_have_a_father/
%
A woman went to the doctors after taking steroids and said she grew a penis.

'A penis, you say?' said the doctor.
The woman nodded.
'Steroids, you say?' said the doctor.
The woman nodded again.
'Anabolic?' said the doctor.
'No,' said the woman. 'Just a penis.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fyg0n/a_woman_went_to_the_doctors_after_taking_steroids/
%
Dating a girl after a dry spell is like going food shopping when you’re hungry

Except my food never banged my roommate while I was at work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fyfb0/dating_a_girl_after_a_dry_spell_is_like_going/
%
A gay guy wants to get a tattoo to surprise his boyfriend for his birthday, so the tattooist asks, “Well, what does he like?” ”Boxing!” replies the man.

“Why don’t you get Mohammed Ali on your left butt cheek and Mike Tyson on your right?”
“Ok!” he says, goes home and shows his boyfriend his new tatts.
“You’re fucking insane!” screams his boyfriend.
“Why?” he cries in disbelief.
“Because there's no way in hell I’m getting in the ring between those two!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fyf4e/a_gay_guy_wants_to_get_a_tattoo_to_surprise_his/
%
My sex life is like a trampoline...

I don't have a trampoline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fyewz/my_sex_life_is_like_a_trampoline/
%
Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water?

Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fychy/do_you_ever_just_accidentally_infuse_an_extra/
%
What gets louder when I'm horny?

Sirens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fybxl/what_gets_louder_when_im_horny/
%
Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fy9y1/why_was_the_antivaxxers_4_year_old_child_crying/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fy8ba/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
Alien master-bating in my kitchen

So I walk into my kitchen the other day to find an alien master-bating into a can of vegetables.
I shouted "What in the FUCK are you doing?!"
He turned his head calmly and said "It's all good, I come in peas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fy8a1/alien_masterbating_in_my_kitchen/
%
Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9-11 Victims because they went through 81 stories in 10 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fy3u1/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
%
What do you call a gaming console that used to be yours?

An ex box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fy3fk/what_do_you_call_a_gaming_console_that_used_to_be/
%
Two hunters went hunting for deer...

Bob and Jim went hunting for deer one day.
As polite hunters always do, they stopped by the farmhouse to ask the farmer for permission to hunt. The farmer agreed to let the two hunt, but warned them that he had a very large farm and it would be easy to become disoriented and lost.
The farmer told the two hunters that if they got lost, they should fire three shots into the air and he would come get them. This sounded like a good plan and the hunters went off hunting for deer.
About two hours later the two found themselves with no deer and totally lost.
"Jim," Bob said, "I believe we are lost, you'd better fire three shots into the air."
"Yeah, I think you're right Bob," said Jim. "We better alert the farmer so he can come get us."
So Jim fires three shots into the air and the hunters wait in anticipation of the farmer. A half hour passes and the farmer has not shown up yet.
"Jim," says Bob. "I think you better fire three more shots into the air, the farmer hasn't come yet."
"I can't," says Jim. "I've run out of arrows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fy2we/two_hunters_went_hunting_for_deer/
%
I've gotten a Graphic Design job at a nuclear plant

The pay is not great, but they told me I'd be getting some exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fy1uj/ive_gotten_a_graphic_design_job_at_a_nuclear_plant/
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Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn

He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fxym6/chuck_norris_doesnt_mow_his_lawn/
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I think the $250 million we spent on bombs for Syria would have been better going to schools in our own country

Then there wouldn’t be any teachers left to give raises to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fxudt/i_think_the_250_million_we_spent_on_bombs_for/
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HUSBAND AND WIFE

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fxud9/husband_and_wife/
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Why are there no casinos in Africa

Because there are too many cheetahs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fxsjj/why_are_there_no_casinos_in_africa/
%
An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir", replies the man.
"What treatment are you getting?". "Five minutes with the wire brush, each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man", says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir".
"What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir".
"What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fxrxe/an_army_major_visits_the_sick_soldiers_goes_up_to/
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How do you fit four gay men onto a barstool?

...Turn it over.
Now, how do you get them off?
Give it a shake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fxr8b/how_do_you_fit_four_gay_men_onto_a_barstool/
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My doctor said that I'm so into anal...

...that I'm legally classified as a crack adict

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fxomv/my_doctor_said_that_im_so_into_anal/
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I heard they don't have any Walmart or K-marts in Syria.

Only Targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fxkvl/i_heard_they_dont_have_any_walmart_or_kmarts_in/
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Why does NA never do well at worlds in League of Legends?

Cuz Americans are shit at defending towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fxkq9/why_does_na_never_do_well_at_worlds_in_league_of/
%
I came across a fellow pimp treating one of his girls poorly the other day. I tried to offer up some advice to which he replied...

"Mind your own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fxide/i_came_across_a_fellow_pimp_treating_one_of_his/
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What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex?

Honey, I'm home!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fx5t1/whats_the_worst_thing_your_wife_can_say_during_sex/
%
When my girlfriend told me that she is pregnant I started crying in despair

I know too well what is it like to grow without a father ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fx3u9/when_my_girlfriend_told_me_that_she_is_pregnant_i/
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How come your husband always come back early from work?

A woman asked her close friend. “My husband is always very late. And because of it, we rarely get to spend some good time together”.
“Its so easy”. Her friend replied. “I told him that I will have sex everyday at 5 pm. It doesn’t matter you are home or not”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fx2tt/how_come_your_husband_always_come_back_early_from/
%
Teacher at parents meeting :

-Your boy was caught smoking marijuana !!!
The mother angrily :
-I can't believe it. I wonder where he found it from ??
-He said he got it from his best friend.
The father, wiping a happy tear :
-He really said that ...  ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fx1um/teacher_at_parents_meeting/
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A British Gentleman visits India..

He landed in the state of West Bengal, the former seat of the East Indian Company.
Dressed in classic gentlemanly fashion he decided to start the tour by visiting the famed Victoria Memorium Hall. Taken aback by the marvellous architecture, he stopped the nearest passerby and asked, "Who made this beautiful structure, if I may ask?". The passerby answered, "Who knows Sir?" The British man's eyes lit up. He thought, "I must visit Sir Huenose before I leave this country!".
His next stop was the Eden Gardens Stadium.  Again, he was stunned by the architectural design of the stadium. In his excitement, he grabbed the nearest person and asked, "Who made this beautiful structure, if I may ask?". The person clearly irked by the grabbing irritably said, "Who knows Sir?". The British man was taken aback. He thought, "I simply must meet Sir Huenose before I leave. He seems to be a household name here".
His last stop of the day took him to the Hoogly Bridge. He was once again amazed by the breathtaking design. Again he beckoned the nearest person and asked, "Who might have made this structure, if I may ask?" The man clearly in a hurry said, "Who knows Sir?" and left. The British man had no words left to praise the achievements of Sir Huenose.
At sundown, he was slowly walking past the Ganges river while formulating the best way to setup a meet with Sir Huenose.
Then suddenly he notices several Hindu priests carrying a body on their shoulders while chanting their god's name. Wondering who it might be, he asked the nearest person, "Who might that be, if I may ask?". The person being a simple bystander  shrugged and said, "Who knows Sir?".
Griefstricken, the British man exclaimed "Oh what a dreadful day, Sir Huenose is dead!!"
.
.
.
P.S: This joke is best said in my native language. Tried to give it a good translation, probably needs a lot of polishing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fx162/a_british_gentleman_visits_india/
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It's a man's 80th birthday

His buddies decide to hire him a call girl as a gift. The wheel him into a hotel room and on the bed is a gorgeous blonde. His buddies leave the room and she says "I'm here to give you super sex!". The old man looks at her and says "I'll take the soup".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fwz1i/its_a_mans_80th_birthday/
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How do you spell Canada with 3 letters?

C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fwxiw/how_do_you_spell_canada_with_3_letters/
%
One night, a thief came into my house to look for money while I was sleeping.

I woke up to search with him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fwxfn/one_night_a_thief_came_into_my_house_to_look_for/
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My wife keeps trying to give me a blowjob while on the treadmill

Its the worst running gag of all time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fwx2l/my_wife_keeps_trying_to_give_me_a_blowjob_while/
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The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse.

The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse was the most handsome and skilled knight in all the land.
One day The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse was trotting through the forest when he realised how lonely he was. So The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse decided to find himself a wife.
He travelled to the closest town and approached a citizen.
"Citizen, I demand you tell me who is the most beautiful lady in all the land!"
"I can't just tell you who the most beautiful lady in all the land is!"
"Of course you can! I'm The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"You're The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?"
"Yes, I'm The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"Oh, well in that case, it's the princess. She lives in the castle over there!"
So The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse trots up to the castle and finds a guard at the door.
"Guard, I demand you let me through!"
"I can't just let you into the castle!"
"Of course you can! I'm The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"you're The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?"
"Yes! I'm The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"Oh, well then come on in!"
So The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse enters the castle and approaches the King in the throne room.
"My lord, I wish to marry your daughter."
"You can't just marry my daughter!"
"Of course I can! I'm The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"You're The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?"
"Yes, I'm The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"Well then of course! She's just upstairs in her living quarters."
So The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse climbs the stairs to find the princess in her living quarters.
"Princess, I'm here to marry you!"
"You can't just marry me! I'm the princess!"
"But of course I can! I'm The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"You're The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!?"
"Yes! The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"Oh! Nothing could be more of an honor! But first you should collect me three items. I want:
•The sands of time, from the desert of time.
•Moon rocks, from the moon.
•And the crown jewels, from Buckingham palace.
Can you handle that?"
"Of course I can! I'm  The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
So The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse heads to the desert of time. Two weeks travel and he arrives. The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse pulls out a jar and starts collecting the sands of time. And old man appears and says "You can't just take the sands of time!"
"Of course I can! I'm The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"You're The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?"
"Yes! I'm The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"Well then by all means, take them!"
So he collects the sands of time and builds himself a giant catapult with which he launches himself to the moon. Upon landing he starts to pick up moon rocks when a Martian jumps out with a ray gun and squeals "BRREEEGGUUNTOP"
"Of course I can I'm The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"You're The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse"
"Yes! The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"PAAAAARRRFFYUNGANT!"
So after collecting the rocks, the Martian gives The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse an enormous parachute with which he jumps of the moon with and lands in the middle of Buckingham palace. He spots the crown jewels and goes to take them when a female walks in and says "You can't just take the crown jewels!"
"Of course I can! I'm The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"You're The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?"
"Yes, The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"Oh... Well... You still can't just take them."
The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse was stumped. He'd never been in this situation before. He started to think about what he could do when he remembered a famous artist who cut his own ear off for his one true love.
So The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse cuts his ear off and places it in a box and heads back to the castle.
He arrives at the castle and heads straight for the princess.
"Princess, I have returned!"
"Oh joy! Did you bring me the sands of time?"
"Of course I did! I'm The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"Fabulous! Did you bring me the moon rocks?"
"Of course I did! I'm The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!"
"Sensational! Did you bring me the crown jewels?"
The Red and White Knight with the Black and White Horse pulled out the box and said **"No... But look what I have ear!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fww70/the_red_and_white_knight_with_the_black_and_white/
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A husband and wife has 4 sons

The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fwlpd/a_husband_and_wife_has_4_sons/
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I saw a spider in my house today, but instead of killing it I took it out.

We had a couple drinks, and as it turns out he’s a really good guy. He says he wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fwkv2/i_saw_a_spider_in_my_house_today_but_instead_of/
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I tried making a steak and cheese omelette but I messed up the flip...

I guess you can say that I beefed the eggsecution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fwgf0/i_tried_making_a_steak_and_cheese_omelette_but_i/
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Check the freezer . . .

Two men, waiting at the Pearly Gates, strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second man.
“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.
“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. And how did you die?” he asks the first man.
“I had a heart attack”, says the first guy. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man.
“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fwexq/check_the_freezer/
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A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature.

Last heard, he's 0K now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fwck0/a_man_got_cooled_to_absolute_zero_temperature/
%
My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fw1oc/my_parents_read_the_book_i_was_writing_they_said/
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How come depressed people kill themselves?

It lifts their spirits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fvud4/how_come_depressed_people_kill_themselves/
%
What do you call two pints of strict rules?

A quart of law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fvrdn/what_do_you_call_two_pints_of_strict_rules/
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Pierre the french fighter pilot

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.
"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fvoy9/pierre_the_french_fighter_pilot/
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I tried reading Einstein's original paper on special relativity.

Night after night for 6 months I tried to understand it. I tried everything. I looked through previous publications to understand the knowledge at the time. I tried to work through some problems and I thought about the theories in novel ways to try to get an intuitive grasp or even any at all. It probably didn't help much that I didn't have the appropriate background in math. I tried learning the math, I even tried talking to experts. Still, nothing made sense. It just wouldn't click in my head. I tolled over this complex theory, wasting many notebooks of scrap paper trying to make sense of it. Many long nights later, I came to an amazing epiphany; I can't read German.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fvlz3/i_tried_reading_einsteins_original_paper_on/
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I sent my girlfriend a get better card yesterday.

She isn't sick or anything, I just think she could be better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fvioa/i_sent_my_girlfriend_a_get_better_card_yesterday/
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How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

100, 1 to change it and 99 to say they could do it better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fvhkb/how_many_guitarists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Cat puns freak meowt...

...I'm not kitten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fvfmf/cat_puns_freak_meowt/
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What is it called when a group of transgendered people have a specific goal?

A trans mission

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fvf36/what_is_it_called_when_a_group_of_transgendered/
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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him...

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fvbzp/i_cant_take_my_dog_to_the_pond_anymore_because/
%
A man and a woman are talking on a bench.

The man says, "One day a genie asked me, 'do you want a bigger penis or a better memory?'"
The woman replies, "What did you choose?"
The man says, " I can't remember."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fvao8/a_man_and_a_woman_are_talking_on_a_bench/
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Samuel L. Jackson is obsessed with the SI unit of power.

He keeps telling me to say watt again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fv85b/samuel_l_jackson_is_obsessed_with_the_si_unit_of/
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A King is being admired by his people...

They bring him food, bathe him, protect his castle, and all he has to do is shake a paw every once and a while..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fv809/a_king_is_being_admired_by_his_people/
%
Chuck Norris Threw A Grenade and Killed 27 People.

Then It Exploded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fv6bw/chuck_norris_threw_a_grenade_and_killed_27_people/
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I gave my girlfriend her first orgasm last night...

The ungrateful bitch spat it out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fv3un/i_gave_my_girlfriend_her_first_orgasm_last_night/
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Two windmills are in a wind farm.

One turns to the other and asks, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other says, "I'm a huge metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fv3u5/two_windmills_are_in_a_wind_farm/
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Whats the rarest thing a redditor can post?

Oc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fux3u/whats_the_rarest_thing_a_redditor_can_post/
%
Hell, I did't want to know how hot dogs were made. But I went to the factory anyway. Turns out, hot dogs are just stuffed with lips and assholes.

Now I eat turkey dogs... because lips are disgusting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fuvzq/hell_i_didt_want_to_know_how_hot_dogs_were_made/
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Diaper companies should be sued for false advertising.

Not once have they held the 22-37 pounds they promised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8futp0/diaper_companies_should_be_sued_for_false/
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I do agree that its healthy to laugh at your own mistakes...

But if you are a plastic surgeon you should probably do it in private.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8futi4/i_do_agree_that_its_healthy_to_laugh_at_your_own/
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How did the barber win a race?

He knew a short cut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fut3d/how_did_the_barber_win_a_race/
%
A Spanish magician told told his audience "On the count of 3 I will make myself disappear! UNO.... DOS....

And *POOF!* he was gone without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fup9o/a_spanish_magician_told_told_his_audience_on_the/
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Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had

The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fuo7x/just_won_the_most_exciting_rock_papers_scissors/
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Three Men Were Using Urinals In a Public Restroom

The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job.
As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Harvard, I learned to be clean and sanitary."
The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless.
As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At Yale, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious."
The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In kindergarten, I learned not to piss on my hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ful3z/three_men_were_using_urinals_in_a_public_restroom/
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A dad tells his son about the dangers of masturbation

The dad : "If you do it too much you'll end up blind"
The son : "Dad you're talking to the wall again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fugc8/a_dad_tells_his_son_about_the_dangers_of/
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I like my women like I like my grapes...

20 at a time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fudah/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_grapes/
%
If Bill Cosby rapes an immigrant...

Is it Alien Vs Predator?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fuc6k/if_bill_cosby_rapes_an_immigrant/
%
I just saw a man survive getting hit by a plane wing

Massive props to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fuayg/i_just_saw_a_man_survive_getting_hit_by_a_plane/
%
The hardest part of my grandpa's death

Was making it look like an accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fu937/the_hardest_part_of_my_grandpas_death/
%
If it stings when you wee

Urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fu7po/if_it_stings_when_you_wee/
%
I'm in a band called The Introverted Pessimists

You've probably never heard of us, but that's fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fu6lf/im_in_a_band_called_the_introverted_pessimists/
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Skydiving humor

A news reporter was doing a story about skydiving and so he visited a drop zone and went for a ride on the plane to watch everyone jump. One of the plane's engines quit and all the skydivers immediately went out the door. Then the pilot put on his own parachute rig and headed toward the open door himself. The reporter yelled "What's happening? Is everything all right?" and the pilot said "Don't panic. I'm going to get help."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fu67r/skydiving_humor/
%
For my birthday, my friend got me a prostitute

She just sat there, counting on her fingers "one, two, three, four" and so on.
I asked my friend "what the hell kind of gift is this?"
He replied "it's the thot that counts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fu66w/for_my_birthday_my_friend_got_me_a_prostitute/
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I'm very secretive when it comes to relationships...

...even my girlfriend doesn't know we're together yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ftzyw/im_very_secretive_when_it_comes_to_relationships/
%
Hannibal Lector crashed my dinner party and rudely demanded that I feed him!

I gave him a piece of my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ftztq/hannibal_lector_crashed_my_dinner_party_and/
%
I can eat, masturbate, and bathe in less than 10 minutes.

The waiter just usually starts freaking out by minute 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ftx6n/i_can_eat_masturbate_and_bathe_in_less_than_10/
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Had a date with an Inuit girl, she showed up late...

She said she blew a seal in her car. I don't think I'll see her again, bestiality is wrong..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ftqvy/had_a_date_with_an_inuit_girl_she_showed_up_late/
%
Why doesn't God answer any prayers?

He's all no-ing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ftpj4/why_doesnt_god_answer_any_prayers/
%
"One cigarette each time you have sex" was the doctor's prescription.

That's how I quit smoking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ftoyk/one_cigarette_each_time_you_have_sex_was_the/
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Why do couples fight?

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ftkvz/why_do_couples_fight/
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If there is an elephant in the room and nobody notices

is it irrelephant?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fti9b/if_there_is_an_elephant_in_the_room_and_nobody/
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Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.

Force a fish down his throat and he'll be fed for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fti4p/give_a_man_a_fish_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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The Italian Lover..

... a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear....."No, I Norwegian"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fthaf/the_italian_lover/
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What do you call it when a hen looks at a piece of lettuce?

Chicken Caesar salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ftgij/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_hen_looks_at_a_piece/
%
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day...

Give a fish a man, he'll eat for a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ftgi5/give_a_man_a_fish_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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An Irish Priest was transferred to Texas

He rose from his bed one fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter."
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good Father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Then, Father O'Malley replied,
"Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ftghx/an_irish_priest_was_transferred_to_texas/
%
I like even numbers

because they are odd otherwise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fteyw/i_like_even_numbers/
%
If you be been to one giant shopping center from the 90s

you've been to the mall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ftc7l/if_you_be_been_to_one_giant_shopping_center_from/
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I like my women same as I like my sugar.

Unrefined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ftbin/i_like_my_women_same_as_i_like_my_sugar/
%
Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."
He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bookish sort in a bad business suit and says, "Tell me your story."
"Okay," says the man. "I thought I had a wonderful life. I had a beautiful wife and we had a lovely place on the 34th floor of an apartment building. I came home from work early today, and I saw my beautiful wife sleeping naked in bed with another man's clothes on the floor. So of course I started looking for the bastard who slept with my wife."
"Like I said, I lived in an apartment. There weren't that many places to hide, but I couldn't find him anywhere! Just when I was about to go confront my wife, I see him. The bastard was hiding outside the window, holding onto the windowsill. I go up to him and started stomping on his hands over and over again, but he wouldn't let go. I finally kicked him in the face and he fell. Unfortunately, he landed on a bush and bounced to safety. In my anger, I grabbed my refrigerator and throw it out after him. However, the cord from the refrigerator wrapped around my leg and pulled me to my death."
St. Peter nods and says, "You're story is acceptable. Welcome to heaven." He goes to the second man a brawny working-man type and says, "What's your story?"
"I'm a window washer," says the man. "I've been a window washer for over 20 years. Well today, I'm washing the windows of the 35th floor of this apartment building when my scaffolding breaks. I thought I was going to die, but I manage to catch myself on the windowsill of the story below. All of a sudden this maniac comes out and starts mashing my fingers. I try my best to hold on, but he kicks me in the face and I fall. Once again, I thought I was going to die, but I land on this hedge and bounce away no worse for the wear. I look up and BOOM. Dead. Last thing I saw was a refrigerator."
St. Peter holds back a chuckle and lets him into heaven. He goes to the third man, a ridiculously handsome fellow with sandy-blonde hair, and asks, "What's your story?"
"Alright," says the man. "Picture this. You just got finished banging some dude's wife. He comes home. You hide in the refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ft99e/three_men_arrive_in_heaven_at_the_same_time_st/
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What do you call a german breakfast restaurant?

Luftwafflehaus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ft5uc/what_do_you_call_a_german_breakfast_restaurant/
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I got taken off a plane in handcuffs today.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ft3bv/i_got_taken_off_a_plane_in_handcuffs_today/
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Man I am glad I don't live in Caifornia.

Everything there causes cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ft039/man_i_am_glad_i_dont_live_in_caifornia/
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I can count the number of times i have visited Chernobyl on one hand...

It's 14

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fsya9/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_i_have_visited/
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Two women bicycling

Two women in France were bicycling towards town along a cobbled-stoned path. One woman said, "I've never come this way before."  The other said "It's the cobblestones"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fsx8w/two_women_bicycling/
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I was going to tell a Sodium and Hydrogen pun

But NaH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fsq3z/i_was_going_to_tell_a_sodium_and_hydrogen_pun/
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Apparently North Korea only has 3 tv channels...

Kim Jong Un, Kim Jong Deux and Kim Jong Trois

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fspfy/apparently_north_korea_only_has_3_tv_channels/
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Build a man a fire, and he'll stay warm for a day...

SET a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fsovs/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_stay_warm_for_a_day/
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Why did the oyster leave the party early

He pulled a mussel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fsksg/why_did_the_oyster_leave_the_party_early/
%
I ran into my old English teacher the other day. She asked me to name two pronouns.

I said "who, me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fsfi3/i_ran_into_my_old_english_teacher_the_other_day/
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What do you call a magician without any magic?

Ian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fsf0r/what_do_you_call_a_magician_without_any_magic/
%
It's interesting how different a US president looks at the end of their presidency. Obama had gray hair. Bush had a bunch of wrinkles..

At the end of JFKs presidency, half of his head was missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fscji/its_interesting_how_different_a_us_president/
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Two women were playing golf

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fs7zp/two_women_were_playing_golf/
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Why is Japan afraid of Kim Jong-un?

because they remember what the last fat man did to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fs7gz/why_is_japan_afraid_of_kim_jongun/
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I always wanted a puppy when I was young...

But we were starving, really anything with meat on it would have been fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fs78z/i_always_wanted_a_puppy_when_i_was_young/
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My used store for prosthetics will be called

The Second Hand, Second Hand Store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fs674/my_used_store_for_prosthetics_will_be_called/
%
So an Irishman walks out of a bar...

That’s the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fs4vd/so_an_irishman_walks_out_of_a_bar/
%
I was at a restaurant last night...

and I asked the waiter "How do you prepare the lobster?" And he said "We just tell him the truth, man. This is the end of the line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fs463/i_was_at_a_restaurant_last_night/
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I've been reading a scary book in braille...

Something good is about to happen I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fs356/ive_been_reading_a_scary_book_in_braille/
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

They sit down and begin to have an animated conversation.
The woman sitting behind them hears one of the men say, "Emma come first, then I come. Two asses, they come together, I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice, then I come once-a-more."
The woman is deeply disgusted by this and says, "You foul mouthed swine! In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, isa alright," the Italian replies, "Imma just tell my friend how to spell Mississippi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fs1lx/a_bus_stops_and_two_italian_men_get_on/
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So a guy walks into a bar with a giraffe......

They have a good few drinks and get rather drunk.
After many more straight whiskeys and ales the giraffe finally gives up the ghost and passes out beside the bar..
The guy feeling he’s not too far behind, finishes his last whiskey and turns to leave picking up his coat.
The barman says sharply “you can’t leave that lyin’ here”.
The guy turns slightly and slurs over his shoulder “it’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fs0a2/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_giraffe/
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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.
The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.
The second girl squats down near a grave Stone and starts to pee. She also realizes she has nothing to wipe with. She saw her friend use her panties but she thinks to herself, "I'm not using my panties, these are expensive! Victoria's Secret is nothing to throw away." So she grabs a ribbon off the near by grave and whipes herself.
The next morning the husband's of the girls call each other. The first girls husband says, "Man my wife came home with no panties on and can't remember anything. I'm divorcing her." The second husband says, "That's nothing man, my wife came home with a ribbon stuck to her ass saying [We will never forget you!] signed by Juan, Carlos, Pepe, Jeremy, and the whole National Guard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fry94/two_drunk_girls_stop_to_pee_in_a_cemetery/
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One day, a man doing janitorial duties on a submarine asked for a change of scenery

“I just clean the hallways,” he’d say. “Everyday. It gets boring fast, please?”
His manager stared him down, but he saw that the man wouldn’t give up.
“Alright,” the manager sighed. “I suppose I could see about you changing your post.”
The man was overwhelmed with excitement and thanked the manager profusely. But the next day, to his horror, he found his fellow coworkers waiting for him with bats, lead pipes and any other weapons they could find around the place.
“You think you can just change your post and leave us all to work in the halls?” one worker said “No way.”
With that, the other workers charged the man and beat him to death with their weapons.
The moral of the story? If you want to avoid anarchy, don’t ever try and re-post on this sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fru34/one_day_a_man_doing_janitorial_duties_on_a/
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.

How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8frrqw/one_morning_i_shot_an_elephant_in_my_pajamas/
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What did Kim Jong-Un say when he left South Korea?

Peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8frqiy/what_did_kim_jongun_say_when_he_left_south_korea/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was arrested on suspicion that i was too good in bed

After 2 mins all charges were dropped due to the lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8frpqp/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
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I don't understand why Medusa has such a bad rep.

Nobody that's met her has ever said anything bad about her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8frmsy/i_dont_understand_why_medusa_has_such_a_bad_rep/
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A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.

He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.
“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”
The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,
“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”
The country boy replies,
“My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8frhxc/a_country_boy_gets_accepted_into_harvard/
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So I’ve heard the American flags on the moon are white now because of solar radiation.

Does this mean the French own it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8freid/so_ive_heard_the_american_flags_on_the_moon_are/
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I nearly got sacked when I was caught masturbating on my first day starting a job as a roofer

Luckily, the boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fr88a/i_nearly_got_sacked_when_i_was_caught/
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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fr7mo/a_worldwide_survey_was_conducted_by_the_un/
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I quit my job drilling ventilation holes in jet engines...

...it was just plane boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fr538/i_quit_my_job_drilling_ventilation_holes_in_jet/
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What kind of gun would Jesus own?

A nail gun.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .    .   .    .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .  .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .
.   .   .   .   .   .   .  .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .    Ya know, him being a carpenter and all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fr513/what_kind_of_gun_would_jesus_own/
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The minister needed money.

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the  church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need £4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge £100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "God Save the Queen"
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fr4et/the_minister_needed_money/
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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and....

asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man.  "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest.  The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fr32j/the_elderly_italian_man_went_to_his_parish_priest/
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I’m writing a masters thesis on the social hierarchies of Ancient Middle Eastern Kingdoms. It’s a pretty serious paper so I want to lend it some levity by adding a joke about eunuchs.

I’m just not sure if I’ve got the balls to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fr2r7/im_writing_a_masters_thesis_on_the_social/
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[NSFW] Thomas Edison is busy inventing in his basement, when his wife, Mary, goes to a friend's house to ask for her advice.

"Thomas just won't go down on me", Mary tells her friend.
"I'll let you in on a little secret", the friend replies, "If you want oral sex with Thomas, try coating your privates with something sweet tasting, it works for me!"
When Mary arrives home she checks in the cupboards and finds a big bag of sugar. She takes it upstairs, whips off her clothes and sprinkles a little sugar over her private parts.
She really wants Thomas to go for it, so thinking, "what the hell", she crams a load into her vagina as well!
That night, for the first time since they were married, Thomas finally let loose and gave Mary the incredible oral session she was after.
It just goes to show, a poon full of sugar helps Tom Edison go down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fr0cb/nsfw_thomas_edison_is_busy_inventing_in_his/
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An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.

The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".
The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"
She replies, "Would you be OK if you could never talk again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fr02f/an_italian_soldier_wakes_up_in_a_hospital_having/
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Three men meet a genie and are given a single wish.

The first man wishes to be invisible, poof! he turns invisible but gets run over by a truck and drops down dead.
The second man wishes for 100 million dollars, poof! he gets the money but is robbed and shot and drops down dead.
The third man sees this and figures out that the other men were selfish and that's what got them killed so he wishes for world peace, poof! and 7.3 billion people drop down dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fqy96/three_men_meet_a_genie_and_are_given_a_single_wish/
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Molecule

Nitrous oxide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fqy6r/molecule/
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Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in lovely Ireland....

One of the beggars is holding a cross and the other a Star of David.
Both are holding hats to collect contributions.
People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross.
Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches for a while and then approaches the men.
He says to the man with the Star of David, "Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David."
The man turns to the one with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this goy is trying to tell us how to run our business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fqug0/two_beggars_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench_in_lovely/
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Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20...

...by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fqsen/maria_went_home_happy_telling_her_mother_about/
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Learning about sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Fast and Furious

It's angrier, quicker and much more to do with family than real life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fqsat/learning_about_sex_by_watching_porn_is_like/
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Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you if you don't give them up.
MILITARY DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and shoots you anyway even though you didn't refuse.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both of them, accidentally kills one and spills the milk in the sewer.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell the milk but eventually your farm gets bought out.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to decide who gets the milk.
ANARCHY: Your neighbours killed your cows and you have nothing
FEUDALISM: Some young lord kills your cows for target practice and the nobility threaten to kill you if you retaliate.
DEPOTISM: The supreme leader decides to take your cows for himself, as well as your wife.
ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: Cows have taken over the world, you and your family must hide from them or you will be killed on site.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fqq0y/politics_in_terms_of_cows/
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Santa was hit by an Airbus 747 while flying over Barcelona last night, and none of the flight crew survived

The doctors have confirmed that the reindeer in Spain were hit mainly by the plane.
- Credit to Colin Monchrie from "Whose Line Is It Anyway"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fqoj6/santa_was_hit_by_an_airbus_747_while_flying_over/
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I opened my birthday card and a load of rice fell out

I know exactly who sent it. It was my Uncle Ben.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fqnp6/i_opened_my_birthday_card_and_a_load_of_rice_fell/
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I tried teaching my dog how to dance, but it turns out...

...he's got 2 left feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fqjub/i_tried_teaching_my_dog_how_to_dance_but_it_turns/
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Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock

Who’s there?
A spider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fqip5/knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock/
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Q: What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?

A: A desserter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fqf47/q_what_do_you_call_someone_who_cant_stick_with_a/
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A man rubs a lamp and a genie pops out...

The genie tells the man that he can make three wishes, but the only condition is that whatever he gets, his ex wife will get double.
Perturbed but accepting the offer, he wishes for a large mansion. POOF! He has a large mansion, but sure enough, his ex wife gets two.
For his second wish, he wishes for a hundred million dollars. POOF! He has suddenly become the second richest person he knows, as sure enough, his ex wife is now the proud owner of two hundred million dollars.
Annoyed and frustrated, and looking at his last wish, he thinks for a moment, with a stern frown upon his face.
A moment later, he begins grinning, and looks at the genie, with the most evil look of delight that has ever crossed his face before saying
“I wish you would beat me half to death”
(Disclaimer: I didn’t make this joke up, though the wording is mostly mine, as it has been 20 years since I’ve told the joke, and likely 25 years since I first heard it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fqdm9/a_man_rubs_a_lamp_and_a_genie_pops_out/
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Did you know that Iceland...

...is only one sea away from Ireland?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fqa8f/did_you_know_that_iceland/
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I started wearing earrings

The day my wife found them in my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fq9gx/i_started_wearing_earrings/
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Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fq737/why_dont_calculus_majors_throw_house_parties/
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I remember I always laughed in Sex Ed classes

Like, **pfft**, when was I ever going to use this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fq4p1/i_remember_i_always_laughed_in_sex_ed_classes/
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What does Al Gore play on his guitar?

Algorithm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fq2qp/what_does_al_gore_play_on_his_guitar/
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A Guy walks into a bar

Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender.
As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.
He asks the bartender, "What's with the gorilla?"
The bartender says, "Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"
"Sure."
So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.
The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a blow job.
"Wow!", says the guy.
The bartender says "Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"
The guys says, "Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fq1uu/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you get when you cut yourself with a Katana?

A Weeaboo-boo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fq0uj/what_do_you_get_when_you_cut_yourself_with_a/
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Father and son have a talk..

A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fq058/father_and_son_have_a_talk/
%
Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fpzak/today_i_shocked_the_hell_out_of_the_postman_by/
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A general store owner hires a young attractive female clerk......

.....who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please", the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," says the old man "....... But its startin' to twitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fpyxn/a_general_store_owner_hires_a_young_attractive/
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My mother is so good at sticking her nose in my business....

... she can win a gold meddle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fpywp/my_mother_is_so_good_at_sticking_her_nose_in_my/
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Why does Bill Cosby cry during sex?

Pepper spray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fpxtx/why_does_bill_cosby_cry_during_sex/
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I told my girlfriend that one of her eyebrows was drawn on too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fpkva/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_one_of_her_eyebrows_was/
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Glove and Panties

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note.
Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our Anniversary. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
P.S. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fpg34/glove_and_panties/
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his tea before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fpfwk/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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What do Calculus and my Dick have in common?

They're both hard for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fpfin/what_do_calculus_and_my_dick_have_in_common/
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I like my coffee like I like my women

without pubic hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fpfd9/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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Why did the little mermaid wear sea shells?

Because D-shells were too big for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fpf91/why_did_the_little_mermaid_wear_sea_shells/
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As I suspected, someone has been secretly adding layers of soil to my garden during the night.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fpcvm/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_secretly_adding/
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My wife's is going to turn 32 soon...

I told her not to get too excited for the celebrations... After all, it's going to be a thirty-second birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fpbjb/my_wifes_is_going_to_turn_32_soon/
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What’s the difference between sticks and dicks?

S T D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fp8eq/whats_the_difference_between_sticks_and_dicks/
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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fp4gx/my_dad_died_when_we_couldnt_remember_his_blood/
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I’m reading this amazing book about anti-gravity

It’s impossible to put down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fp3up/im_reading_this_amazing_book_about_antigravity/
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I lost my job at the bank on the first day...

...a lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fovcv/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_the_first_day/
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A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather.  He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf.  He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him.  He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...
Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.
St Pete is confused and asks, "Why didn't you punish him?"
God responds "I did! ....who is he going to tell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fouvy/a_priest_with_a_golf_addiction/
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What do you call a Japanese deep fried mattress?

A Tempura-Pedic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fomdy/what_do_you_call_a_japanese_deep_fried_mattress/
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Anyone who thinks Jesus wasn't a white man has never been to communion

The  body of Christ is clearly as cracker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fokwl/anyone_who_thinks_jesus_wasnt_a_white_man_has/
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One of these days, Canada will take over the world

Then you will all be sorry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fok6l/one_of_these_days_canada_will_take_over_the_world/
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The wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror

She was not happy with what she saw and said ,'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment.'
I replied, 'Your eyesight's perfect.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8foh3h/the_wife_is_standing_looking_in_the_bedroom_mirror/
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What do children in India say to their mothers before they go to school?

Mumbai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fogl6/what_do_children_in_india_say_to_their_mothers/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8focwn/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-na!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8foc9l/whats_beethovens_favorite_fruit/
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The Russians are developing new anti-depressants

They call them USSRI’S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fobzd/the_russians_are_developing_new_antidepressants/
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I was washing my car with my friend.

He asked if I could use a sponge instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8foar3/i_was_washing_my_car_with_my_friend/
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What's the difference between a wicker basket and wicker box?

Wicker basket is what Little Red Riding Hood carried to Grandma's house.
Wicker box is what Elmer Fudd does to his girlfriend on special occasions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fo5mw/whats_the_difference_between_a_wicker_basket_and/
%
For sale: baby shoes, never worn

wrong size

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fo55n/for_sale_baby_shoes_never_worn/
%
Credit to /u/Poem_for_your_sprog

He sat and sighed beside the road -
His engine's gasket blown.
His car was old and cold and towed.
The man was left alone.
-
'I need to find a place to stay
Until it's fixed,' he spoke -
But as he rose to walk away
Arrived a band of folk.
-
They said: 'You're warmly welcome here
To while away the night!
We're godly monks, and living near -
We walk the path of light.'
-
With thanks, the man inclined his head,
And through the dusky gloom -
He followed where the Abbot led,
Who showed him to a room.
-
'Goodnight and fare thee well to you -
Sleep tight!' the Abbot said.
'And may your dreams be just and true,
Inside your humble bed.'
-
But when he tried to sleep, he found
A noise that started small -
The most surprising, splendid sound
Emerging through the wall.
-
It made him think of sirens song -
The secret chimes of Mars -
The shrouded space where dreams belong -
The voice beyond the stars.
-
It made him think of hearts that yearn -
The rhymes of wings unfurled -
The passing beat of time to turn -
The light beneath the world.
-
It made him think of love and peace -
The silent bliss behind -
The perfect place where problems cease
To vex the waking mind.
-
The morning broke. The man awoke.
'What was it, monks?' he cried.
'Alas, we cannot say,' they spoke -
'You're not a monk,' they sighed.
-
'But what a sense the sounds evoke!
Oh tell me, friends!' he cried.
'Alas, we cannot say,' they spoke -
'You're not a monk,' they sighed.
-
'I have to know!' the man explained,
And so, without remorse -
He joined the house, and prayed and trained,
To find the noise's source.
-
He took the Test of Absent Bliss -
The Woes of Anguish Drowned -
He braved the Gulf of Faith's Abyss -
And all to find the sound.
-
He stood before the Secret Sect -
The Path of Rousing Ploys -
He stepped the steps of Last Respect -
And all to find the noise.
-
He crossed the Gate of Constant Grief -
The Voids of Now and Then -
He walked the Road of Lost Belief -
To hear it once again.
-
And when he'd pained and strained and bled,
And most his life had passed -
'You're ready now,' the others said,
'To see the source at last.'
-
They took him where the air was fair,
And where, inside a trunk...
I'd love to tell you what was there.
Alas, you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fo4od/credit_to_upoem_for_your_sprog/
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A frog goes to a fortune teller

to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.
The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
The frog asks for the good news first.
The fortune teller says, "You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart."
"That's great!" says the frog. "But what's the bad news?"
"Well, you're going to meet her in Biology class."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fo20o/a_frog_goes_to_a_fortune_teller/
%
I like my single malt how I like my girls.

15 years old and mixed up with coke.
(Just a joke, I would never condone mixing single malt and coke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fo1ur/i_like_my_single_malt_how_i_like_my_girls/
%
I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting...

I wonder what she’s up to now…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fnwz4/i_left_my_last_girlfriend_because_she_wouldnt/
%
What do you call it when a chickpea gets murdered?

A hummucide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fntv7/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_chickpea_gets_murdered/
%
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

I think they misunderstood when I said, “I wanna watch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fnsix/my_lesbian_neighbors_gave_me_a_rolex_for_my/
%
I went to uni to study aggriculture and cummunication of sheep.

I left with a BAA. Shortly after i started a nationwide census of sheep but fell asleep halfway thru.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fns0f/i_went_to_uni_to_study_aggriculture_and/
%
What do Japanese people say when someone takes their panties?

"Those aren't ja-panese!"
My 11 year old just said she made this up. I had to share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fnr7a/what_do_japanese_people_say_when_someone_takes/
%
They say that you are what you eat.

That makes me an innocent man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fnows/they_say_that_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
Why I avoid talks about sexuality with my dad.

Me: " There are genes that effect the likelihood of someone being gay."
Dad: " Ya, especially the tight ones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fnh6e/why_i_avoid_talks_about_sexuality_with_my_dad/
%
I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy...

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.
I was a complete mess.
I was broke and my body was ruined.
But fuck me, what a night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fngdu/i_remember_when_i_first_started_using_drugs_i_was/
%
My mum walked in on me smoking sandpaper...

She said "what the fuck are you doing?" in complete bewilderment.
I replied "It's just something to take the edge away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fnbhs/my_mum_walked_in_on_me_smoking_sandpaper/
%
“It’s getting cold up in this bitch”

Said the necrophiliac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fn9ac/its_getting_cold_up_in_this_bitch/
%
Today I saw a phone number written on a pillar...

Should I column?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fn8ub/today_i_saw_a_phone_number_written_on_a_pillar/
%
A coma in a sentence can change everything

For example:
Ben is in a hurry.
Ben is in a coma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fn8lp/a_coma_in_a_sentence_can_change_everything/
%
A Korean man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 200,000 Korean won and walked out with $200...

The following week, he walked in with another 200,000 Korean won, and was handed $185. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said , "Three syllables bro: Fluc-tu-ations." The Korean man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fn7l8/a_korean_man_walked_into_the_currency_exchange_in/
%
What do you call a threesome with two Vietnamese chicks?

A Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fn3f5/what_do_you_call_a_threesome_with_two_vietnamese/
%
What's the difference between a diameter and a radius?

A radius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fn3d0/whats_the_difference_between_a_diameter_and_a/
%
I hated my job at the recycling plant, I was in charge of crushing aluminum cans

It was soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fmyhx/i_hated_my_job_at_the_recycling_plant_i_was_in/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates.

It doesn’t last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fmxwa/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
My grandfather brought down

3 Messerschmitts and 2 Heinkels during the Battle of Britain-he was undoubtedly the worst mechanic in Luftwaffe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fmidu/my_grandfather_brought_down/
%
A Roman soldier walks into a bar

He holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fmhwv/a_roman_soldier_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do you take the "F" out of "way?"

There's no "f" in "way," man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fmh5d/how_do_you_take_the_f_out_of_way/
%
soy milk

hola milk, soy papá

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fm9od/soy_milk/
%
Who is the only superhero that could beat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fm7n6/who_is_the_only_superhero_that_could_beat_captain/
%
Have you heard the exciting news about corduroy pillowcases?

They’re making headlines all around the country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fm3sk/have_you_heard_the_exciting_news_about_corduroy/
%
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fm1yn/why_shouldnt_you_write_with_a_broken_pencil/
%
I borrowed my umbrella to a girl

That makes the number of girls I got wet this year equal to -1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flzdv/i_borrowed_my_umbrella_to_a_girl/
%
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few weeks ago

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flyve/i_started_carrying_a_gun_after_an_attempted/
%
Two men are playing golf.

One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flyba/two_men_are_playing_golf/
%
My son told me he is transgender...

This means I am now transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fls6e/my_son_told_me_he_is_transgender/
%
I bought a dog from a blacksmith today

Within 10 minutes of being home he'd already made a bolt for the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flqrc/i_bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith_today/
%
There was this engineer who died and went to Hell.

He disliked Hell, so pretty soon he went to work improving it. He installed air conditioning, elevators, bathroom air fresheners, escalators, and all sorts of gadgetry. One day God calls Satan:
"So, how are things down there?" asks God.
"Great!" Satan replies, "we now have air conditioners, elevators, escalators and bathroom air fresheners thanks to the engineer we received."
"You have an engineer? Look man, there's been some sort of mistake. Engineers aren't supposed to be in Hell, so I'd appreciate if you could send him to me" says God.
"No way, we love having an engineer on our team. Who knows what he'll come up with next?" says Satan.
"If you don't send him up here right this minute, I'm taking you to court!" says God, visibly annoyed.
Satan replies, "Oh yeah, and where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flpr3/there_was_this_engineer_who_died_and_went_to_hell/
%
My grandpa told me "All you kids do these days is play video games"...

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”
The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back three days later with a broken arm and covered in bruises.
The grandfather asks "What the hell happened to you?"
The grandson says "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge with my friends; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender - but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!"
The grandfather asks "Well who the hell did you go with boy?"
The grandson says "My friends from school, who did you go with?"
The grandfather says "Well... the 2nd SS Panzer Division"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8floid/my_grandpa_told_me_all_you_kids_do_these_days_is/
%
What’s the difference between Amy Winehouse and a moped?

A moped can get to 30.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flnqc/whats_the_difference_between_amy_winehouse_and_a/
%
Don’t you hate when you go to someone else’s place and they ask these stupid questions

Like “what are you doing here?”, “who are you?” and “omg, is that a real gun?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flnmg/dont_you_hate_when_you_go_to_someone_elses_place/
%
During WW2 a German soldier based in France is proceeding home on leave in a fully loaded passenger train

He shares a compartment with a decrepit lady, a beautiful young French woman, and a young Frenchman. The train enters a tunnel, and no one can see anything.
A kiss is heard, then a hollow slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the German has a horrible black eye.
'So unlucky' thinks the German soldier. 'The Frenchman gets the kiss and I get the blame!'
'Well done, my girl!' thinks the old lady. 'You stood up to that brute!'
The beautiful woman is puzzled. 'Why would that German kiss that old lady?'
The Frenchman thinks 'I can’t wait for another tunnel so I kiss the back of my hand, then smack that bloody German again!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flnhi/during_ww2_a_german_soldier_based_in_france_is/
%
What is a liberals favorite part of a gun?

The trigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flm94/what_is_a_liberals_favorite_part_of_a_gun/
%
I've never understood why homophobes would like clothes

they usually come out of the closet, and that’s gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fllp3/ive_never_understood_why_homophobes_would_like/
%
I feel bad for the people that mow the edges of golf courses.

They have a rough job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fljji/i_feel_bad_for_the_people_that_mow_the_edges_of/
%
Trump, Melania, Macron and

....the French First lady are traveling in a train.
The ride is pretty smooth and the train suddenly enters a tunnel. It's dark everywhere and a loud slap is heard in the private compartment. Everyone is calm except Trump who has a huge red slap mark on his right cheek.
The room is silent. Macron thinks - Trump is such a pig. He tried getting smart with the French first lady, kissed here and she slapped the asshole.
Trump thinks - Macron tried kissing Melania and Melania thought it was me. I rather keep quiet.
French first lady thinks - Trump has been super gay with my husband this week. He tried kissing Macron and instead kissed his wife. Poor Melania.
Melania thinks - that was for Stormy. 10 more tunnels to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flix6/trump_melania_macron_and/
%
Women are like parking lots,

All the best ones are taken so when no ones looking, stick it in the disabled one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flgr7/women_are_like_parking_lots/
%
A panda walks into a bar and he asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.

The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flgqs/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar_and_he_asks_the/
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flg6c/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_and_500/
%
A childish husband and wife go to the doctor after a night of painful sex.

"Doctor we dont know whats wrong" said the wife. "I've had hot flashes, vaginal dryness, and sleep disturbances for a while now, I thought nothing of it at first, but now when we have sex it hurts". The husband, bored by his wife's distress, turned on the TV and started watching a star wars cartoon, blaring the sound out of the speakers. The doctor writes some stuff down on his chart while the wife angrily asks her husband to turn it off, to which he responds "me no turn off" in a shitty Yoda impression and continues watching. The doctor takes some tests over the loud battle taking place and turns to the wife. He prepares to give her diagnostic but cant over the noise. "For heaven sakes man pause the damn thing!!" yells the doctor. The husband yells back "ME NO PAUSE".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flfob/a_childish_husband_and_wife_go_to_the_doctor/
%
What do you call an ancient Korean man?

Jurassic Park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fldm8/what_do_you_call_an_ancient_korean_man/
%
What do you call someone that had potential to be great in highschool, but now has no friends, no career aspirations, and is satisfied with a menial job?

Idk what others would say, but I know my dad is refusing to call me "son"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fld53/what_do_you_call_someone_that_had_potential_to_be/
%
Person 1: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Person 2: Why did it?
Person 1: Because he wanted to visit his friend, who is mentally ill.
Person 2: Oh how sad
Person 1: Ok then. Knock Knock.
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: The chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8flb7f/person_1_why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
After his recent conviction for rape, two schools stripped their honorary PhD's from Bill Cosby...

It's ok though, Michigan State just gave him another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fl998/after_his_recent_conviction_for_rape_two_schools/
%
Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fl6ox/why_do_women_fake_orgasms/
%
What type of pies take up the most time?

Occupies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fl3ko/what_type_of_pies_take_up_the_most_time/
%
Its no wonder communism failed

there were so many red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fl1l3/its_no_wonder_communism_failed/
%
Some bloke wants to become a lawyer

The guy (lets call him John) has been dreaming about being the greatest lawyer in the state for years, and has spent the past half a decade working super hard at law school to achieve this goal.
One day, he gets an interview for a highly successful law firm called "Anderson and Nelson At Law" which has an opening for a new lawyer position.
So on the big day, John gets dressed in a sharp and finely tailored suit and drives out to the firm's building. He finally gets there about 15 minutes early, but he can't find a parking space. He drives around the building a few times but still doesn't find one.
About 10 minutes pass and he starts to panic, this was his dream! It took him months to have his resume accepted by a firm, and he is worried it may take much longer for another to accept if he misses this interview slot.
As he drives around the building, he starts to pray to God for a parking space.
"God, I don't know if you exist or not. But I promise, if you give me a parking space right now I'll go to church every Sunday, I'll give 25% of my income to charity and I'll start being a better man."
All of a sudden, a car pulls in front of him and he notices an open parking space.
He says: "Oh, nevermind God! There's one now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fkxkk/some_bloke_wants_to_become_a_lawyer/
%
A man went to a tattooist and requested a tally mark on his back

Every couple of weeks, the same customer came in, always requesting the same tattoo: an additional tally mark on an ever-growing cluster of tally marks. One day, the tattooist decides to ask: "What are you counting?"
The man says: "The number of tattoos i've gotten"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fkjs1/a_man_went_to_a_tattooist_and_requested_a_tally/
%
The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"
The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kingdom to the different tribes in search of the joke. Each tribe knows only one joke that they have kept for years.
First, he goes to the Super Beetles tribe and asks them for their joke. They start saying, "There was a man who really likes this nun on a bus..." The king says, "Already heard it!" and leaves.
Next, he goes to the Large Ladybugs tribe. They tell him, "A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist..." The king says, "Already heard it!" and leaves.
Finally, he goes to the Monstrous Mosquito tribe and they tell him, "A man named Dave tells his boss that everyone knows him..." The king says, "Already heard it!" and leaves.
He dejectedly returns home and tells his advisors that all of the jokes have been told before. The advisors consult their sacred textbooks and find what they were looking for.
"Aha! We know who has the best joke now! The real joke lies with the Come Ants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fkjae/the_king_of_the_insect_kingdom_is_feeling/
%
My daughter says the weirdest things.

Like "where are my real parents?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fkj13/my_daughter_says_the_weirdest_things/
%
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fkiqw/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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I like my women like I like my toaster

Turned on and in the bath tub with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fkh7u/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_toaster/
%
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fkenx/murphy_calls_to_see_his_mate_paddy_who_has_a/
%
A Jewish man walks into a bathroom.

He unzips his pants and proceeds to pee into a urinal. The man peeing next to him taps him on the shoulder and says “hey David! did you have Doctor Goldstein as your Mohel?” The man turns his head and replies “yes! How did you know?” The other man just looks down at the ground and says “he’s cross eyed and you’re peeing on my leg.”
This joke has been passed down through my very Jewish family for a few generations and It’s my go to. A Mohel is the Jewish doctor who performs circumcisions for the uninformed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fkeg7/a_jewish_man_walks_into_a_bathroom/
%
Is sex a joke?

Because I don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fkbvg/is_sex_a_joke/
%
Roses are red, cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fk817/roses_are_red_cellos_are_brown/
%
To the person that invented 0

Thanks for nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fk50m/to_the_person_that_invented_0/
%
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are adventuring in the jungles of the rainforest

Upon entering a clearing they are suddenly ambushed by a remote cannabalistic tribe. They are bound, gagged, and marched into the village.
They old tribe shaman emerges from his hut and approaches them slowly. He squares up to the brunette, cuts her bound wrists and says with broken English "we kill you, we skin you, we eat you, we use skin for canoe. Last request?" The brunette says "can I have a spear?" The shaman nods and grabs a spear from a nearby guard. The brunette thrusts the spear into a guard and darts off into the forest.
The shaman shrugs and proceeds to the redhead and she is addressed the same way. The red head politely requests a knife. The shaman nods and a guard hands her a knife. She promptly stabs the guard and bolts off into the forest.
The shaman then creeps over to the blonde, cuts her ties and looks menacingly into her eyes. The shaman again says "we kill you, we skin you, we eat you, we use skin for canoe. Last request?" The blonde pauses and takes a moment to think. Then suddenly with a glint in her eye she says "may I have a fork?" The shaman nods and a fork is retrieved from a hut and handed over. The blonde then starts stabbing her chest repeatedly and screams "FUCK YOUR CANOE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fk4ge/a_redhead_a_brunette_and_a_blonde_are_adventuring/
%
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued:
"Have you any grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It's made of concrete."
"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have carport, and not need one."
"I mean what are your relations like?"
"All my relations still in Poland."
" Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I'm always up before her each morning."
"Is your wife a nagger?"
"No, she white."
"Why do you want this divorce?"
"She going to kill me."
"What makes you think that?"
"I got proof."
"What kind of proof?"
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: POLISH REMOVER"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fk2e6/a_polish_man_moved_to_the_usa_and_married_an/
%
I get my indecisiveness from my mother

Or my father, I’m not sure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjyga/i_get_my_indecisiveness_from_my_mother/
%
What did 50 Cent say to his grandma after she gave him a homemade scarf?

"Gee, You Knit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjuc7/what_did_50_cent_say_to_his_grandma_after_she/
%
Why is "dark" spelt with a k and not a c

because you Can't see in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjtb1/why_is_dark_spelt_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
%
If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjq2e/if_you_find_6080_to_be_too_expensive_for_ancestry/
%
If I waited to long to eat my spaghetti, would I be....

Pro-pasta-nating?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjpgy/if_i_waited_to_long_to_eat_my_spaghetti_would_i_be/
%
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjokb/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
%
A blonde walked into a gas station...

A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."
"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjmwq/a_blonde_walked_into_a_gas_station/
%
[NSFW] Cinderella is at the ball...

The fairy godmother was very specific in her instructions. "You must be back before midnight...when the clock strikes 12 your carriage will turn back into a pumpkin, your horses will turn back to mice and your vagina will become a pumpkin".
It's a wonderful evening at the Prince's ball. Cinderella dances with him all night. They chat and laugh and decide to sit down for some food. They start with pumpkin soup. Cinderella slowly sips through the soup whilst the Prince slurps it and licks the bowl clean.
Then they order mains. Both of them have pumpkin risotto. Again, Cinderella carefully eats the risotto in small amounts but the prince sticks his head on the place and completes it in seconds. The clock strikes 11 and with only one hour to go, the Prince then asks Cinderella: "what time do you have to be back"
"About 4:30am" she replies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjmph/nsfw_cinderella_is_at_the_ball/
%
My girlfriend told me to behave more dominant...

So I marked my belongigs.
Now she's pissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjm63/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_behave_more_dominant/
%
Why shouldn't you mention the number 288?

Because it's two gross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjm1l/why_shouldnt_you_mention_the_number_288/
%
In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household

They're calling it Ubermensch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjlg0/in_germany_after_the_succes_of_uber_and_ubereats/
%
A dog may be man's best friend

But a cat will never tell the police where the weed is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjkd9/a_dog_may_be_mans_best_friend/
%
One exotic bird can’t take over the word on its own

But toucan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjhby/one_exotic_bird_cant_take_over_the_word_on_its_own/
%
A burglar stole all my lamps

I should be upset but I’m
Delighted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjfvk/a_burglar_stole_all_my_lamps/
%
The problem isn't if your life is a joke...

the problem is if it's a bad one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjd6n/the_problem_isnt_if_your_life_is_a_joke/
%
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion?

De brie was everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fjamo/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_explosion/
%
I once saw a man playing dancing queen on the didgeridoo.

I thought to myself: "That's abbarigional."
(From today's issue of the times)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fj8zy/i_once_saw_a_man_playing_dancing_queen_on_the/
%
What's the difference between the little toe on my left foot and my sex life?

Everything wants to bang my little toe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fj87g/whats_the_difference_between_the_little_toe_on_my/
%
Compliments

This 60 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen\-year\-old."
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 60 year\-old ass?"
She says, "Well, your name never came up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fj6eb/compliments/
%
A woman walks into a police station

"help I have been graped" she says
A police officer then says "don't you mean raped?"
The woman then replies "no, there was a bunch of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fj5zm/a_woman_walks_into_a_police_station/
%
Sex is like banking

First you make a deposit.
Then you make a withdrawal.
Then you lose interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fiy02/sex_is_like_banking/
%
[Math joke] This Fibonacci joke is just as bad as the last two you heard combined

as the last two you heard combined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fissc/math_joke_this_fibonacci_joke_is_just_as_bad_as/
%
I bought a dictionary from the library and realized someone had ripped out pages from the beginning.

They also ripped out pages from the end. It just went from “bad” to “worse”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8firj6/i_bought_a_dictionary_from_the_library_and/
%
After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off.

He slept with one of his patients so he can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time and effort. A genuinely nice guy, and a bloody brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fiq0b/after_years_of_medical_training_and_hard_work_a/
%
My bank account is huge.

It has lots of space for the money I don't have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fikj0/my_bank_account_is_huge/
%
I sent ten puns to my friend to make him laugh

No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fii60/i_sent_ten_puns_to_my_friend_to_make_him_laugh/
%
Is there a correlation between the size of a nose and the sense of smell?

Because I read somewhere that back in World War II people with big noses smelled gas much more often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fih9d/is_there_a_correlation_between_the_size_of_a_nose/
%
Why did the doctor diagnose Trump with autocannibalism?

Because he's full of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fign2/why_did_the_doctor_diagnose_trump_with/
%
CUT TO THE PAST

Ian is a barber and one day after servicing a haircut, a customer instead of money, gives him a crystal sphere and Ian, not wanting to argue and liking the sphere, accepts it.
He presses the Sphere and to his bewilderment, he's transported to ancient Egypt with all the scissor and blades.
The Greeks spot him and yell 'BarberIan'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fif0p/cut_to_the_past/
%
My Mom recently found out that I’ve been looking at Nintendo porn on the family computer

It would have been my little secret, but I forgot to delete my Bowser history

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fie36/my_mom_recently_found_out_that_ive_been_looking/
%
Why was the public masturbator released?

he got off in court

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fibmx/why_was_the_public_masturbator_released/
%
I took a picture of your brain..

But it wasn’t developed yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fi6j7/i_took_a_picture_of_your_brain/
%
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed, '£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.'
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go
fishing...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fi5x4/a_young_aussie_lad_moved_to_london_and_went_to/
%
What did the Mexican firefighter name his twin boys?

Hose A and Hose B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fi3tr/what_did_the_mexican_firefighter_name_his_twin/
%
The Three Chinese Tortures.

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on the windowsill: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fi1i3/the_three_chinese_tortures/
%
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first one.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fhxkp/why_did_the_koala_fall_out_of_the_tree/
%
A young man is delivering milk to the homes of his wealthy customers...

He knocks at the back door of a big home and says, “Milkman!”
An attractive middle-aged woman comes to the door in her robe.  “I am going to take a milk bath this morning.”, she says.  “Go to your truck and bring 20 gallons of milk to my bathroom. I’ll be waiting.”
He heads to the truck, and the woman takes off her robe and sits down in the tub.  A moment later the young man sticks his head into the bathroom and sees her sitting there naked.
“Oh!  Pardon me ma’am!”, he says.  “Do you want this milk pasteurized?”
“No, of course not honey.”, she says.  “Just about up to my titties.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fhubv/a_young_man_is_delivering_milk_to_the_homes_of/
%
What was Forrest Gump's wifi password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fht31/what_was_forrest_gumps_wifi_password/
%
Sometimes some people deserve a good high five,

in the face, with a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fhsnk/sometimes_some_people_deserve_a_good_high_five/
%
I fell off of a 20 foot ladder today at work.

Thankfully I was on the bottom step.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fhpom/i_fell_off_of_a_20_foot_ladder_today_at_work/
%
Australians don't mate...

They didgeridoo-it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fhor5/australians_dont_mate/
%
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fhlh6/the_first_computer_dates_back_to_adam_and_eve/
%
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fhic4/hear_about_the_new_restaurant_called_karma/
%
A dad buys a lie detector machine and waits for his son to come home

When the son comes home:
Dad - So you were at school right?
Son - yeah
Lie Detector - BEEP
Son - Okay, okay I was at the cinema with my friends
Lie Detector - BEEP
Son - ....I was having a few beers with my friends
Dad - What??? When I was your age I NEVER touched alcohol
Lie Detector - BEEP
Mom - Hahahaha! Well honey, he IS your son
Lie Detector - BEEP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fhic3/a_dad_buys_a_lie_detector_machine_and_waits_for/
%
A naked woman robbed a bank today

Nobody could remember her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fhgg8/a_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank_today/
%
There’s no E in denial

And no I in Elleterate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fhd1d/theres_no_e_in_denial/
%
[OC] Does the Clown Fish have an enemy?

Anemone is its friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fh7rx/oc_does_the_clown_fish_have_an_enemy/
%
My wife is an equestrian and she uses the money she earns to pay for me to go to University and study Philosophy. One night she asked me to help out around the stable and I told her I would but only after I finished my readings.

She accused me of putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fh39t/my_wife_is_an_equestrian_and_she_uses_the_money/
%
How do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fh38y/how_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
%
A man is shopping for lingerie at a Victoria’s Secret for his wife on Valentine’s day...

When looking around, he notices that as the prices of the lingerie go up, so does the skimpiness and how see-thru the fabric is. The most expensive item is $500.
Being in a good mood, the man decides to purchase the most expensive item.
He heads home to meet his wife and show her his surprise.
“Happy Valentine’s day honey!” he says to his wife when he gets home.  “I got you a little something special.”
“Ooh what is it?” she replies, as she reveals the lingerie. “Oh my gosh I love it!”
“Why don’t you go try it on?”
She runs upstairs to try it on and notices the price tag and the fact that the item is so revealing, it basically looks like she’s wearing nothing at all.
So she decides just to go downstairs naked, return the item later, and pocket the $500.
When she gets down she asks “So honey, what do you think?”
“Hmmm,” he replies. “You’d think for $500 they would’ve at least ironed it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fh2it/a_man_is_shopping_for_lingerie_at_a_victorias/
%
What's the difference between a diameter and radius?

A radius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fh2gh/whats_the_difference_between_a_diameter_and_radius/
%
A guy asked a girl in a library

,
“Do you mind if I sit beside you”? The girl answered with a loud voice,
"I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!" And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears; “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fgyxd/a_guy_asked_a_girl_in_a_library/
%
Do you want a new Amy Schumer Joke?

Just use the search function, it works for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fgxrx/do_you_want_a_new_amy_schumer_joke/
%
I hate tacos

Said no Juan ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fgwpq/i_hate_tacos/
%
Test eating wild mushrooms on the dog, he said.

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.
So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said,
"You know that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fgvxa/test_eating_wild_mushrooms_on_the_dog_he_said/
%
A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious\-looking platter being served at the next table.
It looked good.
It smelled good.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull he wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fgsjh/a_young_man_stopped_at_a_local_restaurant_after_a/
%
Why are bees important?

Because otherwise your father will eat your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fgruc/why_are_bees_important/
%
So the world's oldest woman died today....

I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fg72p/so_the_worlds_oldest_woman_died_today/
%
What does the perverted frog say?

Rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fg6vq/what_does_the_perverted_frog_say/
%
What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?

One's an array of cunning stunts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fg4nj/whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a/
%
I'm halfway through my gay conversion therapy

But I'm barely getting bi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fg2ss/im_halfway_through_my_gay_conversion_therapy/
%
I watched Avengers: Infinity War this weekend. It was definitely a good movie, but one question was left unanswered, and it keeps me up at night.

I'll never be able to figure out why is Gamora.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fg1sn/i_watched_avengers_infinity_war_this_weekend_it/
%
I hope I'm not reincarnated as a doorknob in my next life...

Their lives are nothing but twists and turns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fg13c/i_hope_im_not_reincarnated_as_a_doorknob_in_my/
%
Spring is here

I'm so excited I wet my plants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ffzwi/spring_is_here/
%
My shower gets turned on...

Every time I get naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ffz3j/my_shower_gets_turned_on/
%
This Fibonacci joke...

Is better than the last two you heard combined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ffyq6/this_fibonacci_joke/
%
Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?

She blew both of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ffumt/did_you_hear_about_the_blonde_who_had_two_chances/
%
I'm proud to say I've been clean for one year.

But all these showers aren't helping me quit smoking crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fftl3/im_proud_to_say_ive_been_clean_for_one_year/
%
Three people are on a jungle safari in Africa.

On the safari they get captured by cannibals. The cannibals tell them that they’ll let all three of them go if they perform two tasks.
The first task is to go out into the jungle and get six of the same fruit. They go out into the forrest. 20 minutes later, two of the three come back. The first person came back with six oranges and the second came back with six grapes.
The cannibals now tell them the second task is to shove all six fruits up their ass without making a noise. The first person shoves three oranges up his ass before he screams so the cannibals tie him up to be eaten later. The second person is able to shove five grapes up his ass before he starts laughing so the cannibals tie him up next to the first person.
The first person asks the second person “Why did you laugh? You could have gotten out of here alive”. The second person replies “I saw the third guy come back with six pineapples”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ffoii/three_people_are_on_a_jungle_safari_in_africa/
%
Everyone I see looks like an almond!

Most people think I'm crazy...
But I think they're nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ffnlo/everyone_i_see_looks_like_an_almond/
%
A man goes to the Vatican to meet the pope.

He arrives at the Vatican and there is a long line of about 100 people to meet the pope.
The man makes sure that he dresses extremely nicely so he’s wearing a professionally tailored suit complete with tie and freshly polished shoes.
The pope comes out and begins to bless and shake hands with the people in the line one by one.
The first person comes forward and receives a blessing and so does the second, third and the fourth person. But then the fifth person steps forward and he isn’t dressed like everyone else. He’s homeless and wears a tattered trench coat and his hair is messy. Instead, the pope gives this man a hug. The homeless man exits the line and the next few people step up and they all receive a blessing.
The man sees this and decides that he doesn’t just want a blessing, he wants a hug too. So he leaves the line and finds the homeless man and he says
“I’ll pay you $1000 for that jacket.”
The homeless man happily takes the money and gives the man the jacket. The man puts it on, messes up his hair and rejoins the line.
The line moves slowly but eventually the man makes it to the front of the line. The pope opens his arms, hugs the man and whispers in his ear,
“I thought I told you to get the fuck outta here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ffm0a/a_man_goes_to_the_vatican_to_meet_the_pope/
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My wife screamed, "Give it to me! I'm so f*cking wet! Give it to me now!

But she can scream all she wants, I'm not giving her the umbrella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fflwn/my_wife_screamed_give_it_to_me_im_so_fcking_wet/
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Harry Potter walks into a bar

Because it was on his bedroom window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fflgh/harry_potter_walks_into_a_bar/
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Statistically, there should be one gay student per 30 student classroom.

I don't remember having any gay classmates, though. Weird...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fffs4/statistically_there_should_be_one_gay_student_per/
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I'm an ass man. Addicted to ass.

It's like crack to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ffadg/im_an_ass_man_addicted_to_ass/
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The orange and blue toy guns that fire foam darts are OP

Pls nerf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ff1dz/the_orange_and_blue_toy_guns_that_fire_foam_darts/
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There were five blondes and one brunette.

There were five blondes and one brunette holding onto a rope off the edge of a cliff.
But their rope could only bear the weight of of five people.
The brunette said, "Save yourselves. I'll let go."
Impressed by her sacrifice, all of the blondes clapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ferpq/there_were_five_blondes_and_one_brunette/
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is alternative?"

Dad says, “It may be difficult for you to understand, so let me give you an example.
Imagine that you work at a factory. You work hard, struggle year after year and you finally save up enough money to purchase a small farm. You buy a dozen eggs and start raising chickens. You feed them, clean the hen house, take care of them every day, so they start laying more eggs. You put them in an incubator and eventually you have thousands of chickens, and these chickens lay even more eggs. You’re a succesful farmer now! Suddenly a nearby river floods your farm, everything’s fucking destroyed, all chickens are dead, the whole farm business goes belly-up…”
“So dad, what is alternative?”
“Ducks, son! Ducks are the alternative!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8feoec/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks_what_is/
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches...

...but then I realized it would be a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fem3b/i_was_going_to_make_myself_a_belt_made_out_of/
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There was a man named Charlie...

...who was such a die-hard optimist. No matter how hard the situation was, he would always say, "It could have been worse."
So to cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a story to trick him.
One day, his friends told him, "Charlie, did you hear what happened to Rob? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot then both, and turned the gun on himself!"
"That's so tragic," Charlie replied, "but it could have been worse."
"HOW THE FUCK," his dumbfounded friends replied, "could it POSSIBLY be FUCKING WORSE???"
"Well," says Charlie, "IF IT FUCKING HAPPENED THE NIGHT BEFORE, I'D BE FUCKING DEAD!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fel2z/there_was_a_man_named_charlie/
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The Husband Store

A new store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fef2q/the_husband_store/
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Have you heard the one about the family who couldn't afford to pay the exorcist?

Their house was repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8feerw/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_family_who/
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What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist?

A proctologist only has to look at one asshole at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fedd8/whats_the_difference_between_a_bartender_and_a/
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Orgasms are my biggest turn-off

It seems like every time I have one I instantly lose all interest in having sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fec38/orgasms_are_my_biggest_turnoff/
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A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender "I bet $100 I can piss in that cup from across the room"...

The bartender looks at him like he's nuts and says with a laugh "Oh, ok buddy. You got yourself a deal." The mans walks across the room, pulls down his zipper and pisses all over the customers, the tables, the bar, everything except the cup. The man walks back over to the bartender who says, "Hahaha alright then, pay up." The man pays him the money and turns back around laughing hysterically. So, the bartender asks, "You just lost $100. Why are you laughing?" The man turns around to the bartender, "You see that man over there? I bet him $1000 I could piss all over you and the bar and you would be happy and laughing about it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fe8wi/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_tells_the_bartender_i/
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The UK have just introduced a new law

Whenever you buy Mayonaise it's now compulsory that you buy Cabbage and Carrots with it. They're referring to it as Coles Law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fe71e/the_uk_have_just_introduced_a_new_law/
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Did you hear about the gay turf digger

He was up to his balls in peat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fe57h/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_turf_digger/
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Why do bald men have holes in their pants pockets?

So they can run their fingers through their hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fe1g2/why_do_bald_men_have_holes_in_their_pants_pockets/
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An old lady in a nursing home...

Was going up and down the corridor on her zimmer frame when an elderly retired policeman jumps out in front of her.
"You were speeding just then madam," he says "could I have your driver's license?" She hands over her library card which he studies carefully, and hands it back to her with a raffle ticket. He tells her, "Here's a speeding ticket, don't let me catch you again."
A couple of hours later, she is making the same journey down the corridor, and has the policeman jump out in front of her again. "That U-turn was illegal, can I see your driver's license?" Again she gives him the library card, he checks it and sends her away.
Another hour passes, the old lady is coming down the corridor only to be greeted by the old man as he jumps out of his room. He is stark naked and nursing a wrinkly erection. The old lady says, " Oh God! Not the breathalyser again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fdy6m/an_old_lady_in_a_nursing_home/
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What has 8 wheels and flies?

A dump truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fduln/what_has_8_wheels_and_flies/
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Officer, I *wanted* to go straight through

but the sign said 'no u turn'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fdt0k/officer_i_wanted_to_go_straight_through/
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Fuck. I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fdsxo/fuck_i_thought_my_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife/
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What is Bill Cosby's favorite movie?

Sleeping Beauty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fdr9z/what_is_bill_cosbys_favorite_movie/
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A Couple has their 60th anniversary....

So, at nighttime, the wife gets ready for bed, takes a bath, puts on perfume and a seethrough babydoll. Nothing underneath. She lets her long grey hair open over her shoulders. The husband walks in. Very shy she says: On our wedding night, 60 years ago to this day, it was the first time you saw me naked just like this... What was the first thing that came to your mind, when you saw me naked? The husband says, with a grin on his face, thinking back to the good ole days: Oh, I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brain out.... She blushes and whispers: How nice, what are you thinking now? .... Oh, I think I did a pretty good job!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fdou4/a_couple_has_their_60th_anniversary/
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What do the mafia and vaginas have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fdop5/what_do_the_mafia_and_vaginas_have_in_common/
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Polish

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued:
"Have you any grounds?"
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
It's made of concrete.
"I don' think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
No, we have carport, and not need one.
"I mean what are your relations like?"
All my relations still in Poland .
" Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
"Does your wife beat you up?"
No, I'm always up before her each morning.
"Is your wife a nagger?"
No, she white.
"Why do you want this divorce?"
She going to kill me.
"What makes you think that?"
I got proof.
"What kind of proof?"
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: POLISH REMOVER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fdnp0/polish/
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A boy walks in on his parents having sex

The boy, traumatized, runs out of the bedroom.
"I'll go talk to him" the father says to his wife.
The father goes to the boy's room but he isn't there.  The father checks the bathroom, but he isn't there.  The father checks the living room, the kitchen and both yards to no avail.  Finally, the Father checks Grandma's room and finds his son giving it long and hard to his grandmother.
"Oh my God!" The father exclaims.  The son looks up and stares his dad dead in the eyes,
"Not so funny when it's your mother, is it Dad?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fdiff/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_parents_having_sex/
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A Chinaman and a Jew were drinking in a bar

when all of a sudden the Jew knocks the Chinaman out of his barstool
Chinaman: “What’s that for?!!”
Jew: “That’s for Pearl Harbor!!”
Chinaman: “That wasn’t us, that was the Japanese!” To which the Jew replies, “Chinese, Japanese, Siamese. they’re all the same!”
They put the instance aside and continue drinking.
A little while passes and the Chinaman out of nowhere gives the Jew a mean left hook knocking him on his ass.
Jew: “What in hell is that for?!!”
Chinaman: “That’s for the Titanic!!”
Jew: “That wasn’t the Jews that was an iceberg!!” without missing a beat the Chinaman replies, “Iceberg, Steinberg, Goldberg it’s all the same thing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fdfj6/a_chinaman_and_a_jew_were_drinking_in_a_bar/
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I got drunk last night wnd decided to be a responsible adult and take a bus home.

It was awesome, never drove a bus drunk before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fdb1m/i_got_drunk_last_night_wnd_decided_to_be_a/
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[NSFW] I had a dream that I was getting a blowjob from the blonde one in ABBA

I woke up because his beard was tickling my balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fd5wq/nsfw_i_had_a_dream_that_i_was_getting_a_blowjob/
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There are two kinds of people:

1: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete sets of data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fd2iv/there_are_two_kinds_of_people/
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NSFW A man is walking and sees a sign “LEARN HOW TO GUESS FOR $10”

The man thinks it’s a great deal and goes inside. After paying, he is taken to a completely dark room.
He suddenly sees a sign lighten up  “TURN AROUND”.  So he does. Then, another one “TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES”. Despite thinking it’s weird, he does as he is told.
After that, a super tall muscular black guy wearing only a towel enters the room behind him and just stands there, completely silent. He, again, thinks that’s really weird, but thinks “hey, I paid $10”
Then, he sees “TOUCH THE GROUND WITHOUT BENDING YOUR KNEES”, he looks at the guy behind him, thinks better..But still, decides to make the $10 worth it.
As he’s starting to move, he hears the guy taking steps towards him. He looks behind and asks, scared “what are you doing?? Are you going to try to fuck me??”
The guy smiles and says “Already started to learn, huh?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fd1yn/nsfw_a_man_is_walking_and_sees_a_sign_learn_how/
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Radio conversation in between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fd0n6/radio_conversation_in_between_a_us_navy_ship_off/
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I need to have surgery, because of my cicumcision.

I was born without eyelids, so the doctor said to my mom "all we have to do is circumcise him, and we can make eyelids out of his foreskin."
Long story short, I've been cock eyed ever since, I have great fore sight though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fczp0/i_need_to_have_surgery_because_of_my_cicumcision/
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This 80 years old rich old man marries a young lady

Within a year, she is pregnant.
Nurse at the delivery room is impressed - "how do you do it?"
"You gotta keep that old engine running, you know".
Next year, they are back again. Same nurse asks, "how do you do it?"
"You gotta keep that old engine running, you know".
Year after, they are back again. This time the proud father doesn't wait for the question, he knows it's coming. So, as soon as she sees the nurse after the delivery, he goes "you gotta keep that old engine running, you know."
"Well", the nurse replies, "it's time to change oil I guess. This one is black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fcurk/this_80_years_old_rich_old_man_marries_a_young/
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My abacus is really reliable for simple maths.

You can count on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fcuha/my_abacus_is_really_reliable_for_simple_maths/
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Why can't you cut a graveyard exactly in half?

Because it's a-cemetery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fctfi/why_cant_you_cut_a_graveyard_exactly_in_half/
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A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.
"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"
"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.
"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely attuned, that the ball will respond to your voice"
The first master bowler got up and said  "I'm the best there every was, I've mastered every alley I've come across"  he placed the ball on the floor at his feet and yelled at the ball "GO!" Amazingly, the ball feebly wiggled but then rolled backward into the seats.
The second master bowler got up, and said" This dirty dingy place is not suitable for me to waste my time here, let's get this over with.  He placed his ball at his feet and calmly said "Strike" and the ball shot straight up in the air, landing back on his foot.
The third master bowler got up and said "No one understands bowling like I do, I'll show you how a real master does it.  He placed the ball on the floor, and confidently said "You will move forward" and the ball rolled directly into the gutter.
The old owner said nothing as he made slowly limped his way to the lane, gently set his ball down on the starting mark, closed his eyes, and hummed very softly.  The ball began to roll forward and the man hummed louder and increased in pitch.  The ball shot straight at the pins knocking down all ten.
The three bowlers were astonished, and left quietly without another word.  Never before had they had such a Hum-bowling experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fcrl9/a_group_of_three_successful_bowlers_traveled_to/
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My Mate Sold Me Some Viagra Eye Drops.

They make me look hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fcmwi/my_mate_sold_me_some_viagra_eye_drops/
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Two blondes go camping

After a few hours, 1 blonde says she needs to take a poop, but they forgot to walk with toilet paper. The second blonde  says " do you have a dollar? " yes, says the first blonde. Well you can use that to wipe,  replied the second blonde.
After a few minutes, the first blonde emerges from the bushes with her hands covered in poop. What happened? I thought you had a dollar to wipe? Says the blonde. Yes, I did , but it's kinda hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickle , says the other blonde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fck87/two_blondes_go_camping/
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Trmp, Putin and Duterte all died on the same day

After they die, the wake up in a building. The three of them not knowing what was going on.
After some small talk, they hear a deep and loud voice saying.
- " Rodrigo Duterte, room 623"
Duterte, followed by Trump and Putin starts looking for this room, and  after a long search they finally stand in front of the room.
The door opens, and inside there is...some kind of woman, but more like a corpse, with rotten skin, no hair left, and with a putrid odor coming out of the room.
- "Duterte you have sinned all your life, this is your punishment for eternity" says the mysterious deep voice.
So Duterte, knowing that he cannot escape his faith, steps in, climbs the bed, and the skeleton-like woman, and starts to bang her.
The door closes, and the voice commands:
- "Vladimir Putin": Room 1054
Vlad and Trump search and finally find the room. Once the doors opens, Vladimir discovers inside, a very similar room, with the same bed, and on top of the bed, a monstrous woman that weight at least a 1000 pounds, and flies all around her de to shitty smell.
- "Vladimir Putin, you have sinned al your life, this is your punishment for eternity," says the voice
And just like Duterte, Putin knows he cannot escape his faith, so he steps in an starts banging the fat smelly woman.
Alone, Trump hears:
- "Donald Trump, room 196"
Donald, anxious, perfectly aware of all the sins he committed, looks for the room, and very soon is standing in front of the door 196, which opens itself. Trump discovers inside a room, a bed, and on top of the bed, Stormy Daniels.
- "I cannot escape my faith !" says Donny, who's already banging the pornstar merely 10 seconds after the door was opened.
And then the voice says:
-" Stormy Daniels, you have sinned all your life, this is your punishment for eternity"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fcbkg/trmp_putin_and_duterte_all_died_on_the_same_day/
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer once

And I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fc80r/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_once/
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A man is having dinner with his girlfriend's family for the first time...

As they're eating, a little squeeker escapes him before he realizes that he's got to fart.
"Spot!!" yells the mother
Relieved, the man thinks "I just farted and they thought it was the dog under the table! Thank goodness"
After a few more minutes the man realizes that he's got to fart again but figures since the dog got blamed for the last one that he'd just let this modest fart go too.
"Spot!!" yells the father!
After the meal, while enjoying coffee, the man realizes that he's got to fart again. This time, feeling confident, the man lets a loud, wet ass clapper go.
This time it's Grandma that pipes up "Jesus Christ Spot! Get out from under the table before he shits all over you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fc7z2/a_man_is_having_dinner_with_his_girlfriends/
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I had two feet of my lower intestine removed.

Now I only have a semicolon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fc7ji/i_had_two_feet_of_my_lower_intestine_removed/
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What's the difference between a job and marriage to a woman?

After ten years, the job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fc705/whats_the_difference_between_a_job_and_marriage/
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Have you heard of the waterfall that goes up?

It’s called Viagra falls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fc6xu/have_you_heard_of_the_waterfall_that_goes_up/
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Indian friend

Ever since Robert was a child, he had a fear of someone under his bed at night.
So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him "I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed
I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psychiatrist.
"Come, talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
'$200 per visit,' replied
the doctor.
'I'll think of it and if needed I will come back to you,'
Robert said.
Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, $200 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
An Indian friend of mine cured me for the price of one plate biryani and a bottle of coke.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new SUV".
'Is that so!' with a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did the friend cure you?'
He told me to
"Sell the bed and sleep on a Mattress on the floor..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fc5yd/indian_friend/
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When I was a toddler, my Italian mother caught me in her study.

I'd gotten into a drawer full of Greek plays. She walked in to catch me tearing Hippolytus in half. I'd done the same to others as well. The Bacchae, Heracles, Madea.  As I stood there, happily shredding what had to be a 120 year old text, she began flailing and screaming.
"My a-beautiful boy, why? Why-a Euripides?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fc51m/when_i_was_a_toddler_my_italian_mother_caught_me/
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There was an American Soldier at the Neutral Zone in Korea

The American Soldier was a little bored and he seen a North Korean soldier so he asked "Do you speak english?" No response
So he turned to the south and asked a South Korean soldier if he knew english and he got no response back.
The American Soldier thought maybe they knew sign language so he asked the South Korean "Are you infantry?" while making a gesture with his hands one jumping over the other. The Korean Soldier took a step back and made a confused face.
The American Soldier was confused aswell but he continued asking. He asked the South Korean "Are you a stealth bomber?" putting his fingers together and making a bomb drop onto his other hand. The Korean Soldier jumped back and raised his rifle.
The American Soldier was very confused now but he decided to try again so he asked the Korean Soldier "Are you a scout sniper?" and while making binoculars with his hands. The Korean Soldier dropped his rifle and ran.
Later that day his CO asked him "Why are you terrorizing the Koreans?". The Soldier was confused and asked "What do you mean?" The CO replied with"They said you were going to jump over the fence and fuck them in the ass until their eyeballs popped out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fbz5y/there_was_an_american_soldier_at_the_neutral_zone/
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What did Adolf Hitler say when he got shampoo in his eye?

Ahhh I can Nazi!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fbxej/what_did_adolf_hitler_say_when_he_got_shampoo_in/
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A prison guard gives Bill Cosby and opportunity...

After several brutal years in prison, Bill Cosby is approached by a prison guard who presents him with what seems like a great opportunity.
"Bill," he says, "you've demonstrated good behavior in here for the past couple years despite all the harassment from the other inmates. I know it must not be easy, so today we're going to give you a shot to get out in the sunshine and do some honest work."
"No thank you," says Bill, returning to the Sudoku he is filling out with a crayon. "All the other inmates have been gossiping about your little job all day, and I want nothing to do with it."
Confused, the guard persists, "Bill, seriously man. We need to do some maintenance on the roof, and the warden told me to select a small work complement of our most exemplary inmates to do the job. I've literally only seen this happen in the movies. Don't tell me you're passing up on the chance to get out of this hell hole and feel the sunshine on your face."
Unimpressed, Bill simply replies, "I'll pass."
At this point, the guard is completely bewildered. He gets right up in Bill's face and says, "Hey, man, what's wrong with you? Any other guy in here would kill to have a shot at an easy work complement like this!"
Annoyed, Bill calmly sets aside his crayon and his sudoku, takes off his glasses, looks the guard in the eye, and replies, "Haven't you read my file? Roofies are what got me in here in the first place."
[EDIT - u/faeyt pointed out a fatal flaw in the joke.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fbvmy/a_prison_guard_gives_bill_cosby_and_opportunity/
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The president of the United States is going to debate the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Nobody is sure who is going to win. In other words...

Trump may trump May. May may trump Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fbu29/the_president_of_the_united_states_is_going_to/
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fbowo/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof_fell_in_love_and_got/
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How can you tell when a peppers being nosy?

When he's jalapeño business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fbl96/how_can_you_tell_when_a_peppers_being_nosy/
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A man is stranded on an island

A plane flying nearby see's his smoke signal and goes to his aid. Upon landing the pilot see's three huts.
"Thank you for saving me! I've been here longer than I can remember. " The man says.
"Where are the other survivors?" The pilot asks.
"It's just me, myself and I" says the man.
"So why are there three huts?" Asks the pilot.
"Well that small one is my home." The man replies.
"What about that big one?" Says the pilot.
"Thats my church." He responds. "I'm a man of great faith".
"Okay, and what's the third hut for?" The pilot wonders aloud.
"Oh that's my old church, but I don't go there anymore, the pastor's a lunatic".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fbftj/a_man_is_stranded_on_an_island/
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I caught my son masturbating the other night, I said “son you’ll go blind if you keep masturbating”

He said, “Dad, I’m over here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fbe6x/i_caught_my_son_masturbating_the_other_night_i/
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How can you tell if an orange is male or female?

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fbdnh/how_can_you_tell_if_an_orange_is_male_or_female/
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Hitler was a dictator

But what they didn’t tell you was he had a potato penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fb8pm/hitler_was_a_dictator/
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Been reading a horror book in Braille

Somthing bad is going to happen, I can feel it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fb6rg/been_reading_a_horror_book_in_braille/
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A man walks into a bar and pulls a minuscule person out of his pocket

They sit at one of the tables, waiting for a friend of theirs. Meanwhile, they order drinks: a whisky for the man, and a thimble of whisky for Peter, his minuscule friend.
The person they were waiting for arrives, and they start talking about the pair's last travel:
-The landscapes in Kenya are glorious, Mount Kilimanjaro is stunning, a mountain to behold.
-What about the local tribes? I have heard they are interesting.
- They truly are, with traditions from thousands of years ago. I remember that one lovely village with very wise people. What was its name, Peter? You know, the one where you told the sorcerer that witchcraft is bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fb658/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_pulls_a_minuscule/
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What do you call a woman in an Iron Man suit?

Fe-Male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fb434/what_do_you_call_a_woman_in_an_iron_man_suit/
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A child talking with his mom..

Child: mom, my friends told me that my birth was unplanned and that you and my dad didn't really want me as a son, is that true?
Mom: hey, don't call me "mom" in public....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fb1og/a_child_talking_with_his_mom/
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How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fb0e0/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_plumber/
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A couple planning their weekend...

Boyfriend: honey, i want to have a great weekend!
Girlfriend: yeah, me too! So see you on monday!
......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fazqj/a_couple_planning_their_weekend/
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With self-driving cars

it won’t be long before we have country songs where your truck leaves you too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8faz6z/with_selfdriving_cars/
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Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist?

He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the hoes again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8faxyi/did_you_hear_buffalo_bill_reformed_and_is_now_a/
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If I smoke some strong weed and beat my meat...

Am I a chronic masturbator?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8faxo2/if_i_smoke_some_strong_weed_and_beat_my_meat/
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“My dads a women’s rights activist.”

“Your dad? Not your mum?”
“No, dad wouldn't allow that.”
*Courtesy of u/hihellow*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8faxaq/my_dads_a_womens_rights_activist/
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I just heard Kim Jong-Un has been nominated as the most literate person in all of North Korea

He is the Supweme Reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fawxz/i_just_heard_kim_jongun_has_been_nominated_as_the/
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If pro- is the opposite of con-...

Then progress is the opposite of.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fawnu/if_pro_is_the_opposite_of_con/
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When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings...

You know she's a keeper...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fawdh/when_your_girlfriend_comes_home_in_a_white_suit/
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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8favam/a_woman_stopped_by_unannounced_at_her_sons_house/
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A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.

"Um, we dont serve beer".
Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"
"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".
"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.
"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar exam starts in one minute".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fas2b/a_law_student_walks_into_the_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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What do you call a rock band that makes songs about sorting?

OC/DC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8faqtr/what_do_you_call_a_rock_band_that_makes_songs/
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Did you know that global warming is making students do worse?

Because all I've heard is that C levels are rising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fapdd/did_you_know_that_global_warming_is_making/
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(Infinity War Speculation) When Thanos gains the mind stone, he will turn into Palpatine.

Because The Avengers will pay for their lack of Vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fap5o/infinity_war_speculation_when_thanos_gains_the/
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My girlfriend keeps trying to give me a blowjob on the treadmill

It’s a running gag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fanqa/my_girlfriend_keeps_trying_to_give_me_a_blowjob/
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The Italian dish which is controversial in r/jokes

Copy Pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8famfx/the_italian_dish_which_is_controversial_in_rjokes/
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My wife was complaining about how much effort I put into customizing my avatar at the beginning of games....

I told her that hard work helps build character.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8faihg/my_wife_was_complaining_about_how_much_effort_i/
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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood.
Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fagfd/a_jewish_man_was_leaving_a_convenience_store_with/
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An old Soviet Russian joke pt.2

A Sunday morning at the zoo.  Zoo director and his assistant are doing their everyday routine of checking animals and their habitats.  Suddenly, director stops next to the cage with a strange, unpleasant smell.
"Why does that tiger in this cage look so ill and miserable?", asks director.
"Well, you see, today is the Sunday, right? We're expecting a lot of customers to come over today. But, unluckily, the tiger got a fever. So we replaced him with John the Security Guard dressed like a tiger", answers Assistant.
"I see. And why does he shits himself all the goddamn time?"
"Because the second tiger in this cage is real".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fabfi/an_old_soviet_russian_joke_pt2/
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I hurt myself chopping wood

It was a stupid axeident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8faaqv/i_hurt_myself_chopping_wood/
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Penguin.

A penguin goes to get his car fixed at the mechanics on a hot day. Mechanic tells penguin it will be a while, so the penguin goes to the shop across the road and get some yummy vanilla icecream. The penguin returns to the mechanic and the mechanic says "looks like you've blown a seal.". the penguin replies "no it's only icecream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8faaek/penguin/
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What do you call a car with OCD?

Arrange Rover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fa7fv/what_do_you_call_a_car_with_ocd/
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What has 100 balls and screws old ladies?

BINGO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fa5aa/what_has_100_balls_and_screws_old_ladies/
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After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.
“Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup”
“No way! You’ll start without me”
“Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you”
“I don’t believe you”
“We promise not to start without you”
Reluctantly, Junior leaves.
They way for a day... two... five... ten... twenty...
After 30 days, grampa turtle bursts:
“I can’t take it any longer!!!” - and bites the sandwich
At this point Junior suddenly jumps from behind a rock and yells:
“AHA!! I KNEW IT!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8fa207/after_a_10_day_journey_the_turtle_family_finally/
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Does wanking while stoned make you a weed whacker?

well??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9zme/does_wanking_while_stoned_make_you_a_weed_whacker/
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A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."

"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"
"My first blow job," replies the young man.
"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."
The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9zbq/a_young_man_sits_down_at_a_bar_and_says_i_want/
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Two friends, a rich one and a poor one, got married on the same day.

20 years later, they're both still married, and planning their special anniversary celebrations.
Dave, the poor one, asks Phil, the rich one, what he got his wife for their anniversary.
"Oh, I got her a diamond ring and a new Mercedes."
"Really? Why did you get her a diamond ring and a Mercedes? Why not just one or the other?"
"Well," says Phil "if she doesn't like the ring, she can return it in the Mercedes, and she'll still be happy."
"So what about you, what did you get your wife?"
"I got a pair of slippers and a dildo."
Phil is a bit taken aback. "Why would you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"
"It's simple really" says Dave. "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9y5b/two_friends_a_rich_one_and_a_poor_one_got_married/
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How do you find out the gender of a cat?

Easy. You kick it in the ass.
If she runs away, it's a girl. But if he runs away, it's a boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9wy5/how_do_you_find_out_the_gender_of_a_cat/
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A coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral...

A coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral. As it was being lowered, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out." The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "sorry mate, it's too late. I've already done the paperwork."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9wpi/a_coffin_was_being_lowered_into_the_ground_at_a/
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My birthday...

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9tpk/my_birthday/
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Assistant and Boss

Assistant: "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?"
Boss: "Certainly not!"
Assistant: "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9s3o/assistant_and_boss/
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What's the difference between a woman and a Fed-Ex package?

One is female, the other is mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9rwb/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a_fedex/
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I can tell my kid’s gonna be a doctor when he grows up.

His handwriting is terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9ory/i_can_tell_my_kids_gonna_be_a_doctor_when_he/
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Sad News.....

At the Nestle factory today a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9myo/sad_news/
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A boss and his secretary.

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have SEX with you, I will make it very FAST. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be DONE." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2,000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself". So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds,"The Bastard used COINS, I'm still PICKING and he is still fucking!!!
Probably a repost but whatever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9keh/a_boss_and_his_secretary/
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My girlfriend told me to man up and embrace my mistakes

I hugged her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9ke8/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_man_up_and_embrace_my/
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[NSFW] So our friend said her dance instructor warned the girls about a level 2 sex offender across the street from the studio

So I looked at her and asked what kind of loot he drops, and how much gold and XP he gives when killed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9iy1/nsfw_so_our_friend_said_her_dance_instructor/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know, and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9it4/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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Relationship status of Elon Musk

Forever Elon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9h64/relationship_status_of_elon_musk/
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Fresh from her shower, a woman stood naked in front of her mirror complaining to her husband.

"My breasts are too small", she lamented.
Instead of romantically telling her that this was not true, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper & rub it between
them for a few seconds, 3 times every day." Skeptical, but willing to try anything, she retrieved a few sheets of toilet paper from the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asked. "They will grow larger over a period of several years", her husband replied. She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts 3 times every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without looking up from his book he said, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
The idiot is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9enx/fresh_from_her_shower_a_woman_stood_naked_in/
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Donate a liver, you get called a hero

Donate a whole bag of 'em, you get sent to jail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9ecs/donate_a_liver_you_get_called_a_hero/
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Why are the gardens of Pyongyang so immaculate?

Because they have a supreme weeder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f9cjz/why_are_the_gardens_of_pyongyang_so_immaculate/
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it all

title says it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f98fu/it_all/
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A German, a Pole and a Russian each order a beer

Each glass contains a dead fly, and when the German finds it, he picks it out of his glass and demands a new beer.
The Pole never noticed the fly in his glass, because the Russian smashed him over the head and stole his beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f95p9/a_german_a_pole_and_a_russian_each_order_a_beer/
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A Sixty Year Old Man...

He goes to the doctor, for a check up, and the receptionist mentions he can get a sperm count, on the house.
The doctor says "I don't know, I think you're a little to old to need one."
The old man says "I can get it if I want, the receptionist said it was complimentary."
So the doctor gives him a jar to collect his semen, and tells him to come back in a week.
He calls in two weeks later to ask the old man if he had changed his mind or was unable to do the deed.
The old man says "I've been trying it with my left hand, didn't work. I tried it with my right hand, still not working."
He continues, "I got my wife to try it. She tries her left hand, and then her right hand and still nothing."
"So then she tries her mouth and still nothing. We are just astounded at how stubborn that damn lid has been."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f93um/a_sixty_year_old_man/
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My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.

A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f8ybh/my_one_and_only_goto_joke_hope_you_like_it/
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Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "What's 14x27?"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "that's not even close"
me: "yeah, but it was fast"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f8tqa/interviewer_i_heard_you_were_extremely_quick_at/
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**INFINITY WAR SPOILERS**

Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party going on at my place this Saturday. hmu if you're interested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f8tia/infinity_war_spoilers/
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In spite of all our disagreements on Reddit, I’m really glad,

That everyone reading this is on the same page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f8qn5/in_spite_of_all_our_disagreements_on_reddit_im/
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My Girlfriend is super obsessed with Star Trek...

So one day we went rock climbing and we were talking about species, I asked her: "How many can you name?" She gave me a grin and said "Roluman, Bajoran, Cardassian, Ferengi, Borg..." She got preoccupied and fell to the bottom of the cliff. "You forgot to Kling-On!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f8pap/my_girlfriend_is_super_obsessed_with_star_trek/
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How does a bird prepare to travel?

He pecks his luggage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f8kx3/how_does_a_bird_prepare_to_travel/
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Three women friends are sitting outside and smoking together.

In a freak turn of weather, it suddenly starts to pour down rain. For two of the women, this means no more smoking, as their cigarettes go out. For the third, however, it's not a problem as she pulls a condom out of her pocket and slips it over her cigarette.
Seeing that she is still able to smoke, her friends feel inspired by the genius and decide that they, too, must get in on this. The next day one of the ladies walks into the local drugstore to pick up another carton of cigarettes when she remembers what transpired the previous day.
Brazenly,  she approaches the cashier and says, "I'd like to buy a pack of condoms please."
"Yes, ma'am. What kind would you like?"
"It doesn't matter so long as they fit a camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f8jko/three_women_friends_are_sitting_outside_and/
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Man wakes up in a slum with no memory of how he got there.

He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f8c47/man_wakes_up_in_a_slum_with_no_memory_of_how_he/
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An elderly couple is sitting in a restaurant.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”…
Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, thinks to himself, "I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble." So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans gingerly against the fence, the old man moves in...
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned a valuable lesson about life and old age that he didn’t know before.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f8a40/an_elderly_couple_is_sitting_in_a_restaurant/
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Why do they call it Space X?

Because if they named it Space E all the rockets would hit on little boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f89w6/why_do_they_call_it_space_x/
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A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."
Dejected, the string leaves and returns home once again. A few weeks go bye, and the string decides to try his luck one more time. He ties himself up and pulls apart the top of his string to change his appearance. He enters the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender looks long and hard and says,"You look familiar. You've definitely been around here. Aren't you that string from a while back?"
The string looks him straight in the eye and says cooly,"Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f89b6/a_piece_of_string_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_next/
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Want to hear a good construction joke?

I'm still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f86sz/want_to_hear_a_good_construction_joke/
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What goes clop-clop,bang-bang,clop-clop?

Amish drive-by.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f7wno/what_goes_clopclopbangbangclopclop/
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Two cowboys sitting on a fence watching a dog lick his nuts..

One says to the other, "man I wish I could do that" then the other says, "doncha think you should at least pet him first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f7rwu/two_cowboys_sitting_on_a_fence_watching_a_dog/
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I just want to thank that guy who taught me another word for "distribute"...

It means allot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f7ps4/i_just_want_to_thank_that_guy_who_taught_me/
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My roommate claims I’m schizophrenic.

Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f7m0g/my_roommate_claims_im_schizophrenic/
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Man goes to doctor and says:”Everywhere on my body hurts! Am I dying?”

Doctor says:”Can you point to where it hurts and show me?”
Man points at head: “Ow!  Points at shoulder:”Ow!” Points at knee:”Ow!” Points at belly:”Ow!”
Doctor examines him and says:”Nope you’re not dying, you just have a broken index finger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f7h0b/man_goes_to_doctor_and_sayseverywhere_on_my_body/
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I’d rather have a bottle in front of me...

than a frontal lobotomy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f7eey/id_rather_have_a_bottle_in_front_of_me/
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A man was having a few drinks in a bar

..and had to take a leak, so off he went to the bathroom. As he is releasing his stream a tiny leprechaun dressed in green appears beside him.
Man: “My goodness!! A leprechaun!! This must be my lucky day!!”
Leprechaun: “Aye! ‘Tis yer lucky day! I being a leprechaun, will grant ye a wish.”
Man: “Well, I’ve always wanted a 10 inch dick, so that is what I wish for!”
Leprechaun: “Your wish is granted! But in order for it to come true, I need you to drop your trousers and let me shove my peter in ya’ to make yours longer.”
The man, unable resist such an opportunity be-fronted upon him, drops his pants and proceeds to let the Leprechaun have anal sex with him.
After the deed is done the man looks down and notices that nothing has changed. So he tells the leprechaun, “What is going on?! Why hasn’t my penis grown yet?”
Leprechaun: “Hmmm how odd! How old are ya my friend?”
Man: “I’m 45 years old!”
Leprechaun: “You’re telling me you’re 45 years old and ye still believe in Leprechauns?!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f7ddi/a_man_was_having_a_few_drinks_in_a_bar/
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If you love someone, set them free.

If they come back, nobody else wanted them either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f7ch3/if_you_love_someone_set_them_free/
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My wife is like an Olympic silver medal skier.

She only goes down once every four years, and never finishes first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f78vd/my_wife_is_like_an_olympic_silver_medal_skier/
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Did you know the Scottish invented condoms?

They would use the intestines of sheep as a contraceptive.
The English then refined the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f74wv/did_you_know_the_scottish_invented_condoms/
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A yoga instructor was at a party.

Her friend said "come on let's leave"
The yoga instructor replied "Na I'ma stay"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f71op/a_yoga_instructor_was_at_a_party/
%
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille....

Something bad is gonna happen.  I can feel it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f6x4w/im_reading_a_horror_novel_in_braille/
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My son threatened to hold his breath until he got ice cream

He passed out on the floor.
I don't negotiate with terrorists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f6te6/my_son_threatened_to_hold_his_breath_until_he_got/
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There was a lion that terrorized a village

near the jungle. The villagers had tried to kill the lion many times, but they always failed. Many hunters came to the jungle and tried to kill the lion, but the lion ate them all. One time, the greatest hunter in the world came to the village. He was renowned worldwide for his ability to kill anything.
When the hunter came to the village, he said "I will kill the lion." The villagers asked, "But how?" "It's very simple," the hunter replied, "You must make a replica statue of a cow and leave it in the middle of the jungle. I will hide inside the statue, and when the lion comes, I will shoot him."
That night the villagers made the replica and put it in the jungle along with the hunter. They waited the entire night and did not hear anything. The villagers went out to look for the hunter and went to the spot where the left him. They saw the statue cracked and on the ground. They looked inside and found the hunter, shaken and tired and brought him out.
They asked him, "What happened to the lion?"
He replied, "To hell with the lion! Who was the son of a bitch who left the bull untied?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f6sku/there_was_a_lion_that_terrorized_a_village/
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Ashley was a sorority girl at a New York college.

During Spring Break, she planned a trip to Texas.  She told her sorority sisters that she had three goals:  to eat real Texas barbecue, to see a real rodeo, and to have sex with a real cowboy.
When she returned from her trip, she told her sisters all about it.  One asked if she had eaten real barbecue.  "Oh, yes," said Ashely, "and it was so delicious!'
Another asked if she had seen a rodeo.  "Yes, I did.  It was very exciting.  Watching those cowboys ride bulls and horses and rope steers was so cool!"
"What about your third goal?" asked another sister.
Ashley paused for a moment and then said, "Well, I was going to find a cowboy to sleep with, but when I saw the outline of the condom they kept in their back pockets, I figured they were a little out of my league!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f6rgl/ashley_was_a_sorority_girl_at_a_new_york_college/
%
A woman reads an article about vaginas expanding as you age, and how to check yourself. She heads to the bathroom, takes the mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor and crouches over it....

Her husband walks down the hall, sees the scene through the door and rushes in and pushes his wife into the bath.
"What the fuck!?! You could have broken my arm!"
"Your arm?? If you'd fallen down that you would've broken your fucking neck!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f6ncl/a_woman_reads_an_article_about_vaginas_expanding/
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Did you hear about the man with a legal fetish?

He got off on a technicality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f6cqi/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_a_legal_fetish/
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I take viagra before I go to bed...

because it gets me up in the morning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f6aw5/i_take_viagra_before_i_go_to_bed/
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A New Prison Band coming soon....

Cosby, Pills and Smash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f6aar/a_new_prison_band_coming_soon/
%
Two blind pilots, both wearing dark glasses, walk up the aisle to the cockpit

One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the two enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says
*You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and then we're gonna crash.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f6a0m/two_blind_pilots_both_wearing_dark_glasses_walk/
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What does a power ranger say when hurt?

It’s morphine time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f6a0c/what_does_a_power_ranger_say_when_hurt/
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Han Solo is chilling in his room when suddenly the light goes out.

He tries to fix the bulb, but after an hour of laborious effort, he gives up.
He heads over to Yoda's place to see if he can help. As Yoda opens the door, he spots a huge machine with flashing lights, beeping in the middle of the room.
"What's this?" he asks Yoda.
"A cloning machine, this is. Your problem solve, it will." exclaims Yoda.
Solo nervously steps into the machine as Yoda cranks it up to max. Smoke fills the room, and as he steps out, five Han Solo clones materialise out of thin air.
"That's incredible!" they all say at the same time and they head back to Han's place, walking together in an eerie unison.
With a combined effort they easily fix the bulb.
Afterwards, he knocks on Yoda's door and thanks him for his help.
"Achieve this solo, you would not", says Yoda, "only many Hans, make light work".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f69we/han_solo_is_chilling_in_his_room_when_suddenly/
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A friend from work asked if I wanted a chess tournament

I said yes but then he tried to sell me a sculpture of a woman’s tits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f68ij/a_friend_from_work_asked_if_i_wanted_a_chess/
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A woman passes away, and all her friends and family gather for a lovely funeral service.

As the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan.  They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies, again.  They have another funeral for her and when it’s finished the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f67sx/a_woman_passes_away_and_all_her_friends_and/
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Considering how bad of drivers Asians are...

I’m starting to think that maybe Pearl Harbor was an accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f677v/considering_how_bad_of_drivers_asians_are/
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Whats Harry Potters favorite way of getting down a hill?

Walking
.
.
.
JK rolling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f66in/whats_harry_potters_favorite_way_of_getting_down/
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Want to hear a joke in reverse?

OK, you have to laugh first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f66a1/want_to_hear_a_joke_in_reverse/
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My sex life is like being struck by lightning.

I never thought it would happen, but when it did, it was shocking and left me a huge scar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f641z/my_sex_life_is_like_being_struck_by_lightning/
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My girlfriend thinks I'm insane and wants me to see a psychiatrist. She's threatening to leave me if I don't because I can't stop singing Gnarls Barkley.

Does that make me crazy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f62f4/my_girlfriend_thinks_im_insane_and_wants_me_to/
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The good news for Bill Cosby...

...is that a lot of prisons serve Jello.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f5z93/the_good_news_for_bill_cosby/
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if it's true that crows have the intelligence of a 7 year old human...

How come I've never seen a crow admitted to hospital for having a lego stuck up it's arse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f5sef/if_its_true_that_crows_have_the_intelligence_of_a/
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A horse walks into a bar.

and comes in last place in the equestrian jumping event.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f5q75/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f5mhk/a_chemist_has_invented_a_laughing_gas_thats_also/
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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a...

bar in the Outback.  After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.  After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.  He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.  He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.  At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.  The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.  To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!  Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f5hra/recently_a_routine_police_patrol_was_parked/
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Some sea mammals sleep with half their brain in deep sleep and the other half wide awake

This was developed as an evolutionary mechanism for survival, but biologists have documented a similar mechanism in workers at the DMV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f5ejd/some_sea_mammals_sleep_with_half_their_brain_in/
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Dracula says he doesn't want to become an investment banker..

He said he hates stakeholders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f5doi/dracula_says_he_doesnt_want_to_become_an/
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Married virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married five times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f5aqb/married_virgin/
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Big dumb

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f57mg/big_dumb/
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What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?

A tearjerker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f56bi/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_cries_while_he/
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John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f53vx/john_is_having_problems_with_his_sink_so_he_calls/
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a blonde police officer stops a blonde driver

A blonde police officer stops a blonde driver:
"You have driven too fast: let me see your driver's licence."
The blonde driver is puzzled: "What's a driver licence?"
The blonde police officer explains: "Um... you have your face on it."
The blonde driver hands the blonde police officer a mirror.
The blonde police officer looks at the mirror and salutes the blonde driver:
"Sorry, I didn't recognize you were a police officer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f5367/a_blonde_police_officer_stops_a_blonde_driver/
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Cat and ostrich

A guy walks in to a bar with a cat and an ostrich. He orders a pint for himself a half for the ostrich and a vodka for the cat... Half an hour later the ostrich comes up to the bar and orders half for himself, a pint for the guy and a vodka for the cat. Half an hour later the man comes to the bar and orders again... this goes on all night first the man, then the ostrich... At the end of the night the barman says to him.... "I couldn't help noticing, you and the ostrich bought all the drinks". The man replied "Well its a long story" and continues... "I was walking down a beach and saw a lamp, I gave it a rub and a genie appeared and gave me a wish, so I wished for a Bird with long legs and a tight pussy!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f52xz/cat_and_ostrich/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f4z2s/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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10 inch bic

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f4xwc/10_inch_bic/
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What's the difference between Frankenstein and The Cosby Show?

On the Cosby Show, he was both the doctor and the monster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f4v19/whats_the_difference_between_frankenstein_and_the/
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Bill Cosby's lawyer fell asleep during testimony...

Apparently he and Bill had a lunch date earlier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f4s10/bill_cosbys_lawyer_fell_asleep_during_testimony/
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A guy goes into a bar,

A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink.  While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head.  So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?" The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her." "For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,000." "For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht." "Finally for my third wish, I asked to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in that kind of activities."  So, I said, "c'mon, how about a little head?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f4nnf/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar/
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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.
You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!
I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f4hfx/fck_cheesy_chatup_lines_we_need_better_breakup/
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What’s your favorite (non racist)dead celebrity joke? Here’s mine: What did Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f4c1f/whats_your_favorite_non_racistdead_celebrity_joke/
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Whats the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f48rj/whats_the_difference_between_3_dicks_and_a_joke/
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Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not a c?

Because you can't see in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f48c4/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
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Pirates never shower before they walk the plank.

They just wash up on shore afterward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f45x0/pirates_never_shower_before_they_walk_the_plank/
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Words to live by from a great man

"Change cannot be given to you every time. Sometimes you must bring the change"
Who is this great man? He operates the bus route I use to get to work on the daily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f3sb7/words_to_live_by_from_a_great_man/
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When my office said they needed headshots, I was surprised when a Navy SEAL sniper came in...

...and asked me to take my penis out for an up close photo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f3rgy/when_my_office_said_they_needed_headshots_i_was/
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Having sex is like being struck by lightning

It's never happened to me, and the odds are not in my favor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f3p6y/having_sex_is_like_being_struck_by_lightning/
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What do you call a mexican guy who lost his car ?

Carlos !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f3js8/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_guy_who_lost_his_car/
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What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f3g8n/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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My girlfriend enjoys a relationship full of mystery and surprises

That's why whenever she leaves the room I shit in one of her shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f3fy6/my_girlfriend_enjoys_a_relationship_full_of/
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Doctor said I have acute pharyngitis.

I said, “sorry doc, I’m married.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f3fi9/doctor_said_i_have_acute_pharyngitis/
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An Old Old Interview Joke..

Interview Start...
>> MP&HR Officer <<
........................................
HR : what is your name?
Mike : MP sir
HR : In full please...
Mike : Michael Phang
HR : your father's name?
Mike : MP sir
HR : what does that mean?
Mike : Melvin Phang
HR : your native place?
Mike : MP sir
HR : what's that?
Mike : Mpumalanga Province
HR : what is your qualification?
Mike : MP
HR : (angry) what is thaat?!!!
Mike : Mathematics Professor
HR : so why do you need a job?
Mike : it is because of MP sir
HR : meaning?
Mike : Money Problems
HR : would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time? What's your personality like?
Mike : MP sir..
HR : and what is that??
Mike : Marvelous Personality
HR : I see... I will get back to you..
Mike : sir, how was my MP sir?
HR : and what's that again?
Mike : My Performance..
HR : I think u hv an MP..
Mike : meaning??
HR : Mental Problem!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f3eri/an_old_old_interview_joke/
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A deli's competitor falsely accused them of using expired cream cheese on their bagels.

It was all just a schmear campaign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f3cus/a_delis_competitor_falsely_accused_them_of_using/
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People say Cows are Dumb

But I’ve never seen one that wasn’t out standing in its field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f3cun/people_say_cows_are_dumb/
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Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f3cc1/did_you_hear_about_the_magic_tractor/
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God is a funny fellow

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f39vy/god_is_a_funny_fellow/
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A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.
The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"
The artist responds, "it is. I have dedicated my life to appreciating the bosom of a woman."
Jokingly, the man says, "I too appreciate the finer tits in life!"
The artist leans close and whispers, "then I have a secret to share with you. Every night, the barkeeper's wife waits in bed upstairs with the lights off, waiting for the barkeeper to come in and fuck her. She has the most fantastic set of tits you'll ever see. So, if you wait for the bar to get really busy, you can sneak upstairs and get in bed with her, and she'll be never the wiser."
The man laughs off such a ridiculous story and goes to sit down. However, the idea tantalizes him, and after an hour the bar starts to get really busy and the barkeeper is run off his feet.
Out of curiosity (and a little help from booze), the man gets up and sneaks up the staircase in the corner. Upstairs he finds a closed door. He turns the handle and peers inside. The room is dark but he can make out a bed with a figure lying in it.
Heart pounding, he goes in, closes the door behind him, crawls into bed, and snuggles up to the woman. She immediately moans softly, and so his puts his arm around her to find a huge pair of bare breasts. He immediately notices they're fake, but he doesn't care. The woman warms up to him quickly and they start making out. Before long, she unzips his pants, and gives him the best blowjob he's ever had.
After finishing, the man feels extremely guilty and admits to the woman, "I must confess. I am not your husband, I'm so sorry".
The woman says "It's OK. I have a confession too. I'm the bust scriber!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f39pd/a_man_visits_an_old_tavern/
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Living in a big city, stars are like my dad..

I never see them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f38z3/living_in_a_big_city_stars_are_like_my_dad/
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion, the eye of a tiger..

..and a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f34i7/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion_the_eye_of/
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“Las Bolas del Toro”, a joke my grandfather loves to tell me.

A young man visits Spain on a trip, he hears a ruckus and goes to inspect.
He finds an arena where the bull fighting had just ended, and sees a lot of people filing into a restaurant across the street.
The young man sits down and begins looking at the menu, when suddenly he hears the sound of music. A man in a tuxedo comes out of the kitchen with a fancy covered plate in hand, followed by another man playing the trumpet.
The man in the tux sets down the plate on a nearby table and lifts up the cover, revealing two large spherical objects. The people at the table immediately begin digging in.
The young man asks the waiter what those people ordered, and the waiter responds “It’s las bolas del toro, the balls of the bull”.
The young man notes that they look delicious and asks to order them, however the waiter lets him know that there is only one bull fight per day, meaning only one order per day.
The young man requests that he get las bolas del toro the next day, and leaves.
He comes back the following day, after heavily anticipating the meal, to the familiar sound of the ruckus outside of the arena, and the familiar sight of people filing into the restaurant. He excitedly sits down at a table, waits to be served, and tells the waiter he is ready for his meal.
20 minutes later the sound of music returns, as does the waiter with the covered plate and the trumpet player close behind him. People around the young man cheer and gawk.
The plate is set down on the table, and the cover is lifted. This time, however, there are only 2 small spherical objects on the plate. The young man, outraged, complains to his waiter. “Sir, I ordered las bolas del toro, not whatever the heck this is!”
The waiter replies, “Señor, sometimes the matador wins, and sometimes the matador loses.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f33dl/las_bolas_del_toro_a_joke_my_grandfather_loves_to/
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What do you call a dog that does magic?

A labracadabrador
(this joke was courtesy of Siri)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f31lc/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_does_magic/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickalottapus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f2zmi/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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To everybody that takes black jokes so seriously...

Maybe you should lighten up a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f2zat/to_everybody_that_takes_black_jokes_so_seriously/
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What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 30 pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f2z62/whats_the_difference_between_a_wife_and_a/
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H2O this is water.

H3O+ this is water on acid.
Stay in school kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f2x11/h2o_this_is_water/
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What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f2v7y/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_two_brain_cells/
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A man and his wife get a divorce.

She lays claim to half of his things, so one afternoon he’s going through the last of their stuff in the attic. He separates what she wants and what he’ll take when he comes upon something she hadn’t mentioned. A small lamp. He picks it up, dusts it off and a genie pops out of it.
“You get three wishes!” Says the genie. The mans face lights up with excitement. “But! You’re wife gets twice the amount of whatever you wish for.”
“Ahh. Alright. Well, let’s see then...” Says the man. “I wish I had a Ferrari!”
The genie nods his head and points to the window. The man runs to the window and to his surprise there’s a shiny red Ferrari parked in his driveway. He’s so excited he almost forgets about his ex until his phone rings.
“Guess what! I just walked outside and there are two red Ferrari’s sitting in my driveway and you can’t have even one of them!” Says his ex as she hangs up the phone.
Filled with anger the man decides to make his second wish.
“I wish I had a million dollars!” Proclaims the man.  The genie nods his head and suddenly the mans lap is filled with wads of cash. He’s dropping bills onto his face when his phone rings.
“Guess what! I just went to the mailbox and there are two checks in there for one million dollars a piece and you can’t have a cent of it!” And with that his ex hangs up the phone.
“You have one more wish.” Warns the genie.
By this point the man is furious and hurt. He thinks for a second and finally stands up and says.
“I got it! I wish you would beat me half to death!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f2t5x/a_man_and_his_wife_get_a_divorce/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f2s20/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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Woke up at 6 o' clock this morning ...

...with a banging hangover listening to my neighbour mowing his lawn , was going to get up and throttle the sod , but then thought "To Heck with  it , he can mow around me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f2o9q/woke_up_at_6_o_clock_this_morning/
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Roses are red

Violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f2lhz/roses_are_red/
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Two cowboys are walking the fence line

and they find a sheep that is caught by the hair in the barbed wire. One of the cowboys drops his pants and gets behind the sheep and goes to town. He's having a great time, and slapping the sheep's ass harder and harder as he builds to his grand finale. After he finishes, he turns to the other cowboy and says "You want some of that?" His friend says "OK, but don't slap me on the ass as hard as you did the sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f2hpn/two_cowboys_are_walking_the_fence_line/
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One morning at a doctor's clinic, a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain

The doctor examines him and asks, "Tell me, what happened to your back?"
The patient replies, "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning, I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open.
I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony, I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy. That was how I strained my back."
Later that day, a second patient arrives and he appears he had been in a car wreck. The doctor said, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible! What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and I was late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it! I was hit by a fridge! I don't know how the fridge fell on me, or where it came from!"
Before closing hours, the third patient came in. He looks like he was punished in hell. The doctor is shocked. He asked, "What the hell happened to you?!"
The patient replies, "Well, It started like this - I was hiding in a fridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f2d0z/one_morning_at_a_doctors_clinic_a_patient_arrives/
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Ving Changes His Name

Earlier this year, a chinese family moved into my small town.  The family had two twins who were both seniors in my class, Ving and Ling.  Ving and his sister Ling were quiet to start off with, but eventually I made good friends with Ving.  After talking to him for a few weeks he revealed to me that he absolutely *abhored* his name, and that he'd do almost anything to figure out how to get it changed.  I asked him what he wanted to change it to, and he said
"lee, like bruce lee or some shit."
I was failing trigonometry at the time, and so I thought what the hell, and offered to help him in exchange for him doing my homework.  Ling overheard us and chimed in,
"If you do that, father will disown you as our child.  That name has been in our family line for generations."
Ving never really listened to his sister though, and he still wanted to go through with the plan.  The next day after school, I drove him to the town hall.  After we arrived, he had gotten the name\-change sheet and was scribbling down information on to it when I saw his face change.  I could tell he was extremely conflicted with his choice.  Tears began to stream down his face.  He finally decided that he was gonna have to cancel his request, and Ling looked relieved.  The receptionist let us know that there would be a cancelation fee, and handed the fee waiver to her. Suddenly, A short asian man with neon shorts, ray\-bans, and an american flag t\-shirt bursted into the room.  Ving turned in awe and stared at the man, as tears rolled down his cheeks.
"D\-D\-Dad?"
With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.
"Don't stop, be-Lee-Ving. Hold on the that fee-Ling”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f2bo2/ving_changes_his_name/
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There is a huge queue of nuns at the gates of heaven

At the steps of heaven, Petrus is standing in front of a gate with a bucket of water besides him.
In front of him is a huge queue of nuns, all wishing to enter the divine realm!
Petrus looks at the nuns and shouts "Listen up all of you who have served God so well. Before you enter Heaven, you should be free of sin"
The first nun moves towards Petrus and speaks to him softly.
Nun: Forgive me Petrus for I have sinned... While i was working at the Vatican, I... I gave the pope a handjob with my right hand because he asked me to do so... I'm so ashamed now!
Petrus: Don't worry, just wash your right hand in the water and you can freely enter Heaven!
The nun starts washing her right hand, enters the gate and disappears within the light.
The second nun walks toward Petrus and starts talking.
Nun: Oh Petrus, i've heard what the last nun before me did and I have to admit.. I also gave the pope a handjob while I was working at the Vatican, only I used my left hand..
Petrus: Wash your left hand in the waterbucket and you will be freed from sin!
The nun starts washing her left hand and walks through the gate into the light.
The third nun in the queue starts walking forward and approaches Petrus. Suddenly five other nuns hastily leave the queue and start running towards the waterbucket like madmen as one of them shouts:
"Petrus! Can we PLEASE wash our mouths before she starts washing her ass?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f2a5w/there_is_a_huge_queue_of_nuns_at_the_gates_of/
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What type of phones do they use in jail?

Cell phones. Duh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f2015/what_type_of_phones_do_they_use_in_jail/
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Buzz Killington

Do you know why W.S Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?
Because he was a quartered on the portside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1zgd/buzz_killington/
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What sort of Internet connection can you get in a barn?

Stable WiFi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1yc9/what_sort_of_internet_connection_can_you_get_in_a/
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If Estonia's best athlete was called Ted...

Would they call him Talinn-Ted?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1wt5/if_estonias_best_athlete_was_called_ted/
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A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked,
"May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not? " the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1w2e/a_nun_really_needing_to_go_to_the_bathroom_walked/
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An old lady was cleaning an ancient lamp in her attic

And then poof , a genie appeared and asked if he can grant 3 wishes for her .
The old lady said
- I want to be young and beautiful again
- I want to very rich
- my cat should become a handsome prince
Poof the next moment she is young , sitting in her palace and her cat now transformed into a prince started crying ..
She asked “what happened ? “
Cat : I guess you forgot the time you had me neutered !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1vbl/an_old_lady_was_cleaning_an_ancient_lamp_in_her/
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What do you call a doghouse without a roof?

Woofless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1ulf/what_do_you_call_a_doghouse_without_a_roof/
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Why did the depressed chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1ugw/why_did_the_depressed_chicken_cross_the_road/
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TIFU and got arrested at the airport...

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1sdd/tifu_and_got_arrested_at_the_airport/
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What do you call midget on a catwalk?

Scale model

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1s1a/what_do_you_call_midget_on_a_catwalk/
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I don’t have threesomes

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once I would just have dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1r5b/i_dont_have_threesomes/
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I met my wife in a travel agency.

She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1qyb/i_met_my_wife_in_a_travel_agency/
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You just need M or E

to spell more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1qqj/you_just_need_m_or_e/
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Hitler died.

When he woke up, he looked around. Only to see fire and torture. In an attempt to question surroundings and to regain his lost memory, he asked the nearest figure.
"Where am I and who am I?"
The figure replied,"Hell Hitler".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1p5z/hitler_died/
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What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver.

One goes *THWACK*, oh fuck. The other goes oh fuck, *THWACK*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1p5q/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
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When God created women...

He told them: "Women from all the corners of the world should have equal rights to men."
Ironically he made the Earth round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1osv/when_god_created_women/
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Heard about the man that refuse to let other use his sauna?

He has selfish steam issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1mrb/heard_about_the_man_that_refuse_to_let_other_use/
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Metric system isn't popular in the United States?

Nonsense, just look how popular are two-liter bottles and nine-millimeter bullets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1lep/metric_system_isnt_popular_in_the_united_states/
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A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut down a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “No! Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1l8w/a_lumberjack_went_in_to_a_magic_forest_to_cut/
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[Long] 3 Vampire had a challenge...

They were so competitive that one of them decided that they should do a challenge. The challenge was they had to kill as many people they could in the shortest time. The first vampire flew and came back 5 minutes later. "Do you see that small village?" it asked, "Yes" the other 2 replied. "I killed all the village people, 500 of them" . The other 2 vampire were shocked and determined to beat that. Not more than few seconds after that, the 2nd vampire flew and came back 2 minutes later with blood stain all over its clothe. "Do you guys see that town?", the other 2 nodded with shocked faces. "I killed all of the people and every last pet they have". By this time, the 3rd vampire was fueled of anger, determination, flew immediately and not more than 30 seconds later it came back with fresh blood dripping from its head to toe. The other 2 vampire immediately felt a chill down their spine, for a moment, silents was lurking as they could feel the gore. They didn't say a word and suddenly a voice broke the silents "Do you see that wall over there?"  pointing to a distant wall, with trembling voice the other 2 vampire said yes. "Well, fuck, I didn't"
Ps: sorry for the poor English

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1kpv/long_3_vampire_had_a_challenge/
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A man visits Harvard

Visitor in Harvard Square:  "Excuse me, where's the library at?"
Harvard student:  "Sir, this is Harvard.  We don't end our sentences with prepositions."
Visitor:  "Oh, I'm sorry.  I meant to ask, where's the library at, asshole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1kmp/a_man_visits_harvard/
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A Man wants to start a farm...

One day a man decided to start a farm. So he walked down the road until he came to a farm and asked, "Do you have any chickens?"
The farmer replies "Yes, but we dont call them that around here. 'Round here we call 'em Pullets". He buys the "pullet"
So the farmer goes down the road and again finds a barn and asks "Do you have and Roosters?"
The farmer replies, "Yes but around here we dont call them that.'Round here we call 'em cocks." So he buys the "cock"
So the farmer goes down the road and again finds a barn and asks "Do you have any donkeys?"
The farmer replies "Yeah but we dont call 'em that around here. 'Round here we call 'em asses." So he buys the "ass".
Just before he leaves the farmer says "Now treat that animal kindly. When it rolls over it means it wants to be scratched."
So the farmer goes down the road and sees a woman walking down the road.
His donkey suddenly rolls over.
He slowly walked to the woman and said, "Will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1hsl/a_man_wants_to_start_a_farm/
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One day johnny brought a horny cock to his farmhouse

Next day it fucked all the hen of the farmhouse.
Next day it got bored with the hens then it fucked all the goat.
Next day it fucked all the cow.
Every animal was afraid of the cock.Johnny was also worried for the other animals but he couldn't stop the cock.
After someday there was no other animal to be fucked then it fucked Johnny.
Next day johnny found the cock dead on the ground and some vultures flying over him.
Johnny started laughing and cheering and said this mothetfucker deserves only death.
Then the cock open his one eye and whispers to johnny "shut up asshole,i am waiting for those vultures to come down".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1f9r/one_day_johnny_brought_a_horny_cock_to_his/
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I'm 75 and someone assumed that I listen to AM radio...

How dare they stereotype me like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1euv/im_75_and_someone_assumed_that_i_listen_to_am/
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An american was invited to a conference in France as a speaker.

He was not speaking French at all but being a smart guy and wanting to impress the audience he learns by heart his entire speech in French.
When his moment come, he goes on the stage and realizes he completely forgot the introduction. So he looks around the room and notices the toilets in the back and ... Eureka! That's it: "Ladies and Gentlemen".
After the speech and the applause, follows the cocktail, he meets a French colleague and asks him how was it. The French guy says:
It was fantastic; your French is really good but you know ... in France we never start a speech with "Toilettes et Pissoirs".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1cls/an_american_was_invited_to_a_conference_in_france/
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What is the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can always wash her crack and sell it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1bih/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a/
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I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill, but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When i got home I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1aft/i_remember_once_when_my_dad_gave_me_money_to_pay/
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I Was Going to Make a Joke About A Midget Getting Head

But it would've been a low blow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f19wa/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_a_midget_getting/
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How come churches don't have wifi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f1869/how_come_churches_dont_have_wifi/
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Three blondes in a wood

Three Blondes are walking through a wood.
They come across some tracks on the ground.
The first blonde says "these are deer tracks."
The second blonde says "no, these are bear tracks."
The third blonde says "no, these are fox tracks."
*smack* and that's when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f15sz/three_blondes_in_a_wood/
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If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me racist...

Black people would steal it from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f13q6/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_everytime_someone_called_me/
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Which American president was the least guilty?

Abraham Lincoln,
He was in a cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f129g/which_american_president_was_the_least_guilty/
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I accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat the other day.

So, immediately, I went and knocked on her door, and I said, "I'm terribly sorry, ma'am; I think I've killed your cat. To make amends for this tragic mistake, I'll replace him if you'd like."
She said, "That's very noble of you, but how are you at catching mice?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f126g/i_accidentally_ran_over_my_neighbors_cat_the/
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I want you to know I'm not racist...

Like I said. I'm not racist. I have nothing against people of color, any kind of spiritual belief, or any political backing.
However. I do have something against amputees. I don't know what it is about them, but I just feel like they're missing something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f10p9/i_want_you_to_know_im_not_racist/
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A Pastor dies & gets to Heaven ...

He arrives at the pearly gates.  Saint Peter is sitting high atop a chair at a podium greets him.  "John H Smith, welcome to Heaven.  We have seen your life's work.  Here is a key to your mansion with 10 rooms, silver gilded windows & golden walls.   20 angels to help you with your daily lifestyle here in Heaven."
The pastor smiles and nods as he walks thru the gates.
Looking over his shoulder he sees the next guy arrive & stops to watch.
He can clearly hear Saint Peter talking to the man.  He waits a moment & watches as the man comes in and gets escorted a couple hundred yards away to a palace made of platinum, with golden windows & the surroundings made of a metal he had never seem of before.
Quizzical, the pastor walks back to the entrance and asks Saint Peter what that gentleman do to get such a exquisite setup.
"Well", Saint Peter said.  "He led thousands of people to the Lord."
"What?" exclaimed the pastor. "I've done the same thing!"
"Not quite John" replied Saint Peter.  "Joe there was a taxi driver.  You may have spoken to hundreds of people about the Lord; but they were listening.  While you were speaking of the Lord, Joe's fares were praying."
:-D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f0y3k/a_pastor_dies_gets_to_heaven/
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George Bush was sitting down at his desk during his morning briefing.

His chief of staff advised him that 3 Brazilian people had died this morning in a helicopter crash.
George sat there sulking in his chair and began weeping (uncharacteristically) to himself.
“Sir, is everything alright?” stated his chief of staff, to which George replied, “How many is a Brazilian?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f0sle/george_bush_was_sitting_down_at_his_desk_during/
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A boy at school

A boy was at school and his teacher asked him to learn 3 new words over the weekend. His father is a pilot and taught him the word "takeoff." His mother is a zoo keeper and taught him the word "zebra." His big sister was going to have a baby and taught him the word "baby." He went to school the next day and his teacher asked, ''What are your three words?'' The boy said, ''Takeoff zebra baby.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f0ouk/a_boy_at_school/
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I've been waiting for the right moment to ask my wife about using Viagra.

It just doesn't seem to come up naturally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f0omm/ive_been_waiting_for_the_right_moment_to_ask_my/
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A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator when...

... a handsome young man enters on the next floor. He is absolutely stunning and both women are enamored. He smiles politely at them and  selects his floor, turning around to face the door in process. That is when both ladies noticed he had a horrible case of dandruff.
The brunette whispers to the blonde, “My goodness that is the sexiest man I have ever seen in my entire life.”
Whispering even quieter, “I think he could definitely benefit from a little Head & Shoulders.” Giving a subtle hint to her nearby friend.
Upon hearing this, the blonde stares blankly for a few moments replying, “Well... okay... but... I’m not exactly certain how to give Shoulders.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f0kx0/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_on_an_elevator_when/
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Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f0hc1/genie_you_have_3_wishes/
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Don't Lie to Little Girls

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on a beach.
He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up toward him and asked, "What's that under your newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied. "A bird."
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.
When he awoke, he was in tremendous pain.
The beach police asked him what happened.
The guy says, "I dont know. I was lying on the beach, and this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dosed off and the next thing I know im here"
The beach police went to the beach found the little girl and asked her "What did you do after that?"
After a pause the little girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f0gxf/dont_lie_to_little_girls/
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The Only Thing Flat Earthers Have to Fear

Is Sphere Itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f0aq2/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_have_to_fear/
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3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,
"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins then."
And so the 3 sailors, being watched closely by the tribesmen, do just that. The first sailor returns to the chief with 3 apples. The chief says,
"Time for the test. You take all 3 fruit and 1 by 1 you put them in your bum. You not make any sound, you not make any face. You do this you live. You become one of us. You fail, you lose head."
The sailor begrudgingly begins the task, realizing it is his only hope to live. He succeeds with the first apple. After a moment of recuperation, he begins once again; he was successful. On the third apple, however, he grimaces. He is met with an immediate and swift death.
The second sailor returns from the forest with 3 cherries. The chief repeats:
"Time for the test. You take all 3 fruit and 1 by 1 you put them in your bum..."
The sailor, content with his choice, begins with the first cherry. Easy. He grabs the second cherry. No problems. He grabs the third cherry. As he's finishing up, he breaks out into laughter. The chief's pleased smile quickly fades and is replaced by a rage filled scorn. He kills the sailor on the spot.
In the afterlife, the first sailor asks the second sailor,
"You were so close!! What happened? Why did you break?!"
The second sailor replies,
"I couldn't help it! I lost it when I saw the third guy coming back with 3 pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f07f5/3_sailors_crash_their_boat_while_sailing_close_to/
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What is 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f04s0/what_is_69/
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I finally came up with an original joke!

Does anyone know if there's a subreddit for it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8f01hv/i_finally_came_up_with_an_original_joke/
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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster cleaner and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits
And the other fucks between shits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ezxxq/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
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There's no fish

A couple of hillbillies decide to go ice fishing one day. They get their shanty set up and just as they're about to drill they hear.... there's no fish under the ice there. So they decide to move their shanty to a new location, get it all set up, just as they're about to drill they hear... there's no fish under the ice there. They look at each other  dumbfounded so they decide to move their shanty one more time. Just as they're about to drill they hear the voice again... there's no fish under the ice there. This time they yell back who is this? The voice replies, this is the arena manager!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ezxmm/theres_no_fish/
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Why did the Roman have a smile on his face after eating out his wife?

He was gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ezw0t/why_did_the_roman_have_a_smile_on_his_face_after/
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Why is there airconditioning in the hospitals?

To keep vegetables cool and fresh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ezvrm/why_is_there_airconditioning_in_the_hospitals/
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Whats what

A dad gives his son a 5 dollar bill and tells him to go buy 5 dollars worth of whats what. So he goes to the grocery store and says to the manager, excuse me mr manager, can I get 5 dollars worth of whats what? The manager says whats that? The kid says whats what, the manager says get out of here kid, you don't know what you're talking about. The little kid goes to the gas station and asks the attendant for 5 dollars worth of whats what. The attendant says, you don't know what you're talking about kid. Sensing that this kid wasn't all there, the gas station attendant says, you see that house across the street? Go knock on the door, they'll be able to help you. So the kid crosses the street and knocks on the door. A woman answers the door completely naked. The kid, stammering over his words, points at her crotch and says, w.. wh.. wha.. whats that, she says whats what he says GREAT, give me five dollars worth!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ezvl8/whats_what/
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It's allergy season upon us, so remember to say "pika" before you sneeze

and if you forget, just say "bacca" after!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ezv7i/its_allergy_season_upon_us_so_remember_to_say/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead escape from their cells on a prison island...

... They sneak past the guards and make it to the shoreline. The mainland is a kilometre away, through dangerous waters.
The brunette, being the bravest, leaves first. She swims as hard as she can, but after only a few hundred meters she becomes exhausted and drowns.
The redhead leaves second. She is smarter and swims more slowly, but just as she passed half way a shark eats her.
The blonde, a natural athlete, embarks on her perilous swim. Miraculously, she avoids all sharks and swims until she is only 50m from the shoreline!
Exhausted, she says, "It's too far, I can't make it!", and swims back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ezv2z/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_escape_from/
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A man walks into confessional...

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I cannot stop listening to the Barenaked ladies"
"How long has it been since your last confession?"
"It's been..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ezsvg/a_man_walks_into_confessional/
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I only date vegans.

I like my meat grass-fed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ezlwd/i_only_date_vegans/
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My wife and kids say I'm lazy because all I do is sit in my lounge chair all day.

I'm half inclined to agree with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ezk7k/my_wife_and_kids_say_im_lazy_because_all_i_do_is/
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Three men die and go to hell

An alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner die and go to hell.
As punishment, the devil places each of them in 3 separate rooms for 10 years. The alcoholic is placed in a room full of the best and finest alcohol imaginable. The womanizer is in a room full of the most beautiful women he's ever laid eyes on. Lastly, the stoner is kept in a room full of the best marijuana known to man.
After 10 years, the devil checks in on all three. The alcoholic has become sober. Resolved to never drink again. The womanizer, exhausted, swears off women. The stoner however, is sitting in a corner of the room. With tears in his eyes, he looks at the devil and asks, "Do you have a light?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ezicf/three_men_die_and_go_to_hell/
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Why was the female crocodile disappointed in her mate?

He had a reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ezgot/why_was_the_female_crocodile_disappointed_in_her/
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Three men die in a plane crash and go to Heaven....

When they get inside they notice that Heaven is absolutely full of ducks. So many ducks they can barely walk around.
An angel approaches and says “Welcome to Heaven, your home for all eternity! Here you can have anything you want, whenever you want, as long as you never step on a duck.”
Years go by and eventually one of the men slips up and steps on a duck! The angel approaches accompanied by the most hideous woman the man has ever seen! The angel handcuffs the woman to him and says “This is your eternal punishment for stepping on a duck!”
More time passes and as fate would have it another of the men slips up and steps on a duck! Again the angel handcuffs the most hideous woman he’s ever seen to him and again says “This is your eternal punishment for stepping on a duck!”
Years and years go by and the third man having watched his step ever so carefully had never stepped on a duck. Eventually the angel approaches him with the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid his eyes on and handcuffs them together. The man exclaims “Wow! She’s beautiful!!! What have I done to deserve such a reward?!?” and the woman replies “I’m not sure, but I stepped on a duck....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ezbxh/three_men_die_in_a_plane_crash_and_go_to_heaven/
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One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?”
25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.
“Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eggs, but when they hatched we only got 8 chicks.”
“And what was the moral of that story,” asked the teacher.
“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!”
“Very good!” She responded, “who else would like to share their story?”
This time she called on a girl in the front of the room.
“We raise chickens too, but we raise them for their eggs,” said the girl. “One time we put our eggs in a basket in the back of our truck to take them to market, but on the way we hit a bump and the basket flew out and all the eggs broke.”
“What was the moral there?”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”
“Excellent,” said the teacher. “We have time for one more story- who would like to share?”
This time she called on a boy in the back of the room. “Ok, Johnny- tell us your story.”
“My dad told me a story about my aunt Becky, who was a pilot in Desert Storm. One day she was flying over enemy territory when her plane was shot down, and all she had in the plane was a bottle of whiskey, a machete, and a machine gun. So she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t go to waste and when she crash landed there were 100 enemy soldier waiting for her. So she killed 80 with the machine gun until she ran out of ammo, then she killed 10 with the machete till the blade broke off, then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.”
The teacher is absolutely appalled, but trying to maintain her composure she chokes out, “and w-what did your father tell you was the moral to that story?”
“To stay the hell away from my aunt Becky when she’s been drinking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ez7tr/one_afternoon_a_teacher_gives_her_class_a/
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What do you call prostitution in an airplane?

Hoeing in a Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ez6qq/what_do_you_call_prostitution_in_an_airplane/
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One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates

St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life, thieving street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type; redirect them."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order, and all of a sudden he went running back yelling,
"God, God, they're gone - they're gone!!!"
"Who, the street gang?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ez4hi/one_day_st_peter_saw_a_street_gang_walking_up_to/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island

The brunette decides to try to swim to another island with more people on it. She can only swim 1/8 of the way, so she swims back. The redhead tries the same, but only makes it 1/4 of the way. The blonde makes it halfway, gets tired and swims back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ez3m3/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stuck_on_an/
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Jim leaves a bar at 2 am...

And he’s completely shitfaced. He’s not ready to call it a night, though, so he goes for a walk through the forest behind the bar. As he’s walking along, Jim comes across a bear. Being the stupid drunk fucker he is, Jim decides to try befriending the bear by offering it a high five.
Somehow this works, and the bear doesn’t leave Jim hanging. Jim decides to call the bear “Steven” before starting on his way out of the forest. A few minutes go by, and Jim turns around to find that Steven has been following him. Still super drunk, he thinks, “Oh, cool. I have a bear friend.” and just keeps on moving. Soon, after seeing how Jim is continually stumbling and faceplanting out of sheer drunkenness, Steven positions himself so that Jim can ride on his back. Jim climbs onto Steven, and Steven takes Jim all the way home.
The next morning, Jim wakes up, thinking that he must’ve dreamed up all of the bear stuff. He soon finds Steven sitting at his front door, so he lets him into the house. Realizing that everything had actually happened, he calls up Matt, his best friend, to tell him about his crazy night.
“Hey Matt!” Jim says.
“What’s up, Jim?” Matt replies.
“You won’t believe what happened last night.”
“Oh, really?”
“Really!” Just then, Steven sits on a cheap plastic chair, breaking it under his weight. “Hey! Don’t sit on things!” Jim shouts across the room.
“What’s going on over there?” Matt asks.
“Well,” Jim begins. “Bear with me...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ez260/jim_leaves_a_bar_at_2_am/
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A married couple goes on safari....

A married couple goes on safari in Africa.  Upon their arrival, they're greeted by a guide who shows them around as they explore the landscape and catch glimpses of the wildlife.
In the distance, however, there is a constant tribal drumming that continues day and night, without stop.  It goes on for days and days until one morning it suddenly stops.  The guide freezes and begins to sweat, nervously.  Panicked, the couple asks,
"What's wrong?  What's happening?"
"Drums stop--very bad."
The guide shifts, uncomfortably.
"Next comes bass solo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eyz5k/a_married_couple_goes_on_safari/
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A man dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he sees Satan approaching him and is terrified for what torments await him.
"Welcome, dude! Don't be so afraid.  You're gonna love this place," says Satan with a beaming smile.
"I am?" the man asks nervously.
"Sure you will! All that talk of this place being awful is a lie. You like to drink?"
"Um, yes. I love to drink."
Satan slaps him on the back. "Then, buddy, you are going to love Mondays! All you can drink and never ever get drunk! What about eating?"
Feeling more relaxed, the man opens up more. "Heck yeah, I love eating!"
"Tuesday is your day, my man! All you can eat buffet of whatever food you can imagine, and you'll never get sick or full. Lemme guess, sports guy?"
"You're kidding! All day Wednesday?!"
Satan snaps his fingers with enthusiasm. "Hell yes!! What would this place be without that?  Are you homosexual?"
The man laughs, "Of course not!"
"Oh man... you're not gonna like Thursdays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eyyja/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eyx80/a_mormon_and_an_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
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I held a door open for a feminist..

..the trial is on the 14th of May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eysdl/i_held_a_door_open_for_a_feminist/
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What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eynma/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_walken/
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I added Paul Walker but...

I added Paul Walker on Xbox, but he spends all his time on the dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eykmh/i_added_paul_walker_but/
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NBA Finals

It's Game 7 on the NBA Finals, and an excited man makes his way to his courtside seat. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No,’ says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."
"That is insane," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this and not use it?"
The neighbour says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Warriors playoff game we haven’t been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No," he says. "They’re all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eyjmm/nba_finals/
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Why couldn't the Italian get into his house after dinner?

He had gnocchi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eyiy6/why_couldnt_the_italian_get_into_his_house_after/
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A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians.

In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?"
"Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex..."
The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?"
"Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex.
On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?"
"Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E! GET THE POSSY!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eycqm/a_cowboy_was_captured_by_a_tribe_of_indians/
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Yesterday I gave my seat to a blind man.

Today I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eyck6/yesterday_i_gave_my_seat_to_a_blind_man/
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch and told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ey978/a_dea_officer_stopped_at_a_ranch_and_told_the/
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I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’

So we stopped playing chess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ey85t/i_was_playing_chess_with_my_friend_and_he_said/
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I saw a baguette in a cell at the zoo yesterday...

It was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ey5wr/i_saw_a_baguette_in_a_cell_at_the_zoo_yesterday/
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A young man helps his grandfather with his computer issues

His grandfather seems to be unable to set a password.
Trying to figure out the problem the young man looks at the password the old man is trying to set
His password is “ParisLondonMickeyMouse”
Puzzled by this, the man asks his grandfather why he wants to set this password anyways.
The grandfather simply replies: “It wanted two capitals and a character”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ey4qh/a_young_man_helps_his_grandfather_with_his/
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I’m in a band. We do covers of Stone Sour, Stone Temple Pilots, and The Rolling Stones.

We’re a rock band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exyhk/im_in_a_band_we_do_covers_of_stone_sour_stone/
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A Brunette enters an elevator at work with a Blonde

She turns to the blonde and says T.G.I.F.
The blonde responds with S.H.I.T.
She thinks, hmm maybe she didn't hear me and again says T.G.I.F.
The blonde responds again with S.H.I.T.
The brunette is now frustrated with how stupid the blonde is and finally just says thank god its Friday
The blonde smirks and says sorry honey it's Thursday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exy89/a_brunette_enters_an_elevator_at_work_with_a/
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A guy goes to the doctor and tells him "Lately I've been dreaming of squirrels playing soccer!"

the doctor says "No problem, take these pills before bed, and it will keep you from having strange dreams."
The guy says "Sounds great, but can i start tomorrow night, tonight are the finals!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exqu1/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_and_tells_him_lately_ive/
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Keep your clairvoyant chipper [OC unless I accidentally stole this]

When I was a single man, I dated a series of psychics. For the first date, I brought a dozen long stem roses, and she said it was too much, and was angry. So for the second psychic, I brought nothing, and she too was offended. For the third psychic, I settled for a single rose, and I finally found a happy medium. (But in the end it didn't work out, she said she couldn't see a future together.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exqky/keep_your_clairvoyant_chipper_oc_unless_i/
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I found out my husband got fired from his job today. In order to cheer him up I got him his favorite soy sauce.

He said to me
"Oh I see. Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exqh6/i_found_out_my_husband_got_fired_from_his_job/
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A wife tells her husband her underwear cost $300...

The husband screams "Three hundred dollars!? That's outrageous!" The wife says "Well you don't wrap a beautiful jewel in newspaper".
The husband replies "Yeah, but you don't gift wrap a dead beaver, either".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exmcu/a_wife_tells_her_husband_her_underwear_cost_300/
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I accidentally sent a nude pic to everyone in my address book once.

It was horribly embarrassing and it cost a fortune in stamps!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exm2c/i_accidentally_sent_a_nude_pic_to_everyone_in_my/
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When we were kids, my brother dressed up as a giant penis for Halloween..

We were trick or treating and whenever we were walking to the next house he kept hitting me on the head with his bag of candy, I wanted to say "stop being a dick" but he worked so hard on that costume....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exlfq/when_we_were_kids_my_brother_dressed_up_as_a/
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A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead are all pregnant and waiting for an ultrasound in the doctor’s office.

As they are waiting, they begin to discuss what gender they each think their babies are going to be.
“Well I know my baby is going to be a girl,” said the Brunette. “My husband and I were doing it missionary style when she was conceived.”
“Mine will be a boy!” Said the redhead. “I was riding on top of him when I got pregnant.”
This causes the Blonde to burst hysterically into tears.
“What’s wrong?” The other two asked.
“I’m going to have puppies!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exjj7/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all_pregnant/
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2 sperms are swimming side by side

sperm 1: do you know how much longer 'til the fallopian tube?
sperm 2: fallopian tube? we aren't even past the esophagus yet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exija/2_sperms_are_swimming_side_by_side/
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Apparently, you can't say "Black paint!" any more.

You have to be PC and say, "Please paint that wall, Leroy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exg3r/apparently_you_cant_say_black_paint_any_more/
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When I was a kid I pretended I was doing surgery on a stuffed animal inside a blanket fort

I guess you could say they were undercover operations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exf0o/when_i_was_a_kid_i_pretended_i_was_doing_surgery/
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exem7/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_shins/
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Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push the man off the plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exdd1/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_hell_fly_for_a_day/
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What do dyslexic insomniac agnostics do?

Lie awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8exd3v/what_do_dyslexic_insomniac_agnostics_do/
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Q: Why go to the paint store when you're on a diet?

A: You can get thinner there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ex2at/q_why_go_to_the_paint_store_when_youre_on_a_diet/
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Dida

3 adventurers while on safari were caught by tribals. The chief came to the tent they were held in and gave them 2 options. Death or Dida.
The 1st adventurer choose Dida, as anything is better than Death. The tribals took him away. After 1 hour, they carried him out to nearest town. When he passed the other 2, he screamed, "Choose death"
Now 2nd guy got confused, but still choose Dida. Same thing happened again. He kept crying, "Choose death, Choose Death"
Now the 3rd guy got really nervous. He asked the chief "I am about to die, plz tell me what is Dida "
"He is the strongest and biggest warrior we have with a 9" penis. But he is into guys" the chief replied.
"Ok, then I choose death" the 3rd guy said firmly.
The chief smiled and said "Death by Dida"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ex020/dida/
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How is sex like pizza?

When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ewyp4/how_is_sex_like_pizza/
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I ran into a vegan girl who said she knew me..

.. But I swear I hadn't seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ewvzh/i_ran_into_a_vegan_girl_who_said_she_knew_me/
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A Jew and a Cantor were having a chat...

A Jew and a Cantor were having a chat when the Jew said to the Cantor, "I sent my son away and he came back a Christian! What should I do?"
The Cantor replied, "Funny you should ask that, I also sent my son away and he came back a Christian too! What should we do?" After a long time thinking the Jew said "I know what we should do! We should go ask the Rabbi, he will know what to do." So the two went to go ask the Rabbi.
"Oh, Rabbi please help us. We sent our sons away and they came back Christian! What should we do?"
The Rabbi responded "Funny you should ask, I too sent my son away and he came back a Christian!" The three then thought long and hard about what should happen next. "I know what we should do!" the Rabbi exclaimed, "we shall pray and ask God, he always knows what to do!" So the three men knelt down and prayed to God. "Oh heavenly father, we sent our sons away and they came back Christians, what should we do?"
Then a booming voice came down from the sky and said: "FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK THAT..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ewuxa/a_jew_and_a_cantor_were_having_a_chat/
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Friends are like snowflakes

They dissappear when you pee on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ewu83/friends_are_like_snowflakes/
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I fought an erection this morning

Beat it single handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ewtuh/i_fought_an_erection_this_morning/
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Sex is like math

You add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs
And hope you don't multiply

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ewsnx/sex_is_like_math/
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Why are all optimists blind?

They're constantly looking at the bright side of life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ewpqg/why_are_all_optimists_blind/
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What’s the difference between sex and gender?

I didn’t have gender with your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ewphe/whats_the_difference_between_sex_and_gender/
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What kind of STD can you get from money?

Financial aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ewnyz/what_kind_of_std_can_you_get_from_money/
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My deaf wife admitted that she had been cheating for years.

I didn't want to believe her, but all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ewiqk/my_deaf_wife_admitted_that_she_had_been_cheating/
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What kind of character does J-Roc wish was in Dragonball Z?

Gnome Saiyan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ewecv/what_kind_of_character_does_jroc_wish_was_in/
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Doctor: I'm sorry John, but you suffer from Auto Correct Syndrome

John: I didn't even know I was I'll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ewck0/doctor_im_sorry_john_but_you_suffer_from_auto/
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What goes "Ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, AAARRRRGHHHH!!!"?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ewahv/what_goes_ring_ring_ring_ring_ring_ring/
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A Priest Dies and Goes to Heaven...

A priest dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter says to him, "Welcome to Heaven; for your devout service to God, we have your accommodations ready."
It was a one room shack.  His neighbor, a cab driver, had a stately mansion.
Weeks go by, and the priest seeks out St. Peter again.  "I don't mean to complain, but I don't understand why my living quarters are sparse, when compared to that of my neighbor."
"Oh, that's simple," said St. Peter.  "You put your congregation to sleep with your sermons.  The cabbie, on the other hand, made his passengers pray with his driving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ew8ff/a_priest_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Rich old man prepares for his death

A rich old man was on his deathbed. He knew he was soon to depart this world, but he could not bear the thought of leaving his wealth behind.
So he summoned his wife and instructed her to visit the bank, withdraw a large amount of cash, and stash it in the attic in a burlap sack. "I'll just grab the sack as I float up to heaven," the man said to himself.
His wife did as he requested and a few days later the man died. But in all the hustle and bustle of the funeral arrangements she forgot about the cash in the attic.
Years later she was cleaning out the attic and came upon the sack of money. "I knew it," she said, "I just knew it. I should have put it in the basement."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ew5qd/rich_old_man_prepares_for_his_death/
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Fullmetal Alchemist is so unrealistic

I mean how can they draw such perfect circles?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ew58i/fullmetal_alchemist_is_so_unrealistic/
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This phone conversation with the Haematology lab almost gave me a heart attack.

Me: Hi, can you tell me what my blood report says?
Lab: Sure can, Sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ew3sa/this_phone_conversation_with_the_haematology_lab/
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A nun and a priest go golfing...

The priest is putting for par. "Ah fuck, I missed."
Nun: "God is gonna hear that and God is gonna get you!"
The priest shrugs it off and they walk to the next hole. The priest finds himself in a similar position, and once again misses. "Jesus Christ I can't do anything today!"
Nun: "Father! He's going to get you for this! Please calm down."
Once again, the priest shrugs it off, and they walk to the next hole. As the priest goes to drive the ball off the tee, a bit of wind comes and makes him shank it way deep into the woods.
"Jesus fucking Christ mother of Mary what in the fuck am I doing!? For fucks sake God!"
Then, all of a sudden, the sky becomes dark, the wind picks up, and a massive lightning bolt strikes the nun right where she stands. What appears to be coming out of thin air, a big, boisterous, and pissed off voice says
"FUCK, I MISSED"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ew2h5/a_nun_and_a_priest_go_golfing/
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What did the Mexican say when 2 houses fell on him?

GET OFF ME HOMES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8evx0z/what_did_the_mexican_say_when_2_houses_fell_on_him/
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide...

that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”  She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”.  She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.  He agrees.  She gets in the car.  He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”  She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8evofh/harry_and_his_wife_are_having_hard_financial/
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I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn’t explain why he gave it a one star tho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8evo9c/i_saw_god_write_a_review_about_our_solar_system_a/
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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."
The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"
So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ever heard. Stunned at the end of the performance he says "That's absolutely wonderful, what's it called?"
John replies "Oh it's one of my songs, I call it 'Your daughter sucked on my balls and I jizzed on her forehead'."
The manager, shocked, stammers "Oh, right... urr, do you have any more?"
The pianist resumes playing, and yet again plays an absolutely magical piece of music.
The manager says "Incredible! What do you call this one?"
John replies "Oh, I call that one 'I'm going to stick my tongue up your asshole and lick your colon'."
The manager says to him "Ok, look, you're hired. I can't let a talent like you get away, but please never let the clients know the names of your songs, it simply won't do in an establishment like this."
So John agrees and starts work that night.
A few weeks later, the buzz about the restaurant is incredible, people are so enamored with this pianist they recommend their friends, come back regularly just to eat and hear this amazing music play. And one night, the pianist says to the diners "OK ladies and gentlemen, after this song I'm going to take a short break and I'll resume my playing for you shortly," and goes off to take a small comfort break.
As he's returning from the restroom the manager swiftly approaches him and exclaims "John! Do you know your dick is hanging out of your trousers and the whole room can see it?!"
John replies "Know it?! I fucking wrote it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8evl7m/a_fancy_restaurant_is_hiring_a_new_pianist/
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How do you surprise a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8evjph/how_do_you_surprise_a_blind_man/
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I used to be a rough-and-tumble bacterium.

But then I got cultured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8evfv0/i_used_to_be_a_roughandtumble_bacterium/
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Between your legs.

A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy."
"Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise."
And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8evfrw/between_your_legs/
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What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eveyb/what_do_you_call_a_drummer_without_a_girlfriend/
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I saw an ad on Craigslist "Radio, $1, volume stuck on high."

I thought, "I can't turn that down...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8evdjx/i_saw_an_ad_on_craigslist_radio_1_volume_stuck_on/
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At the age of 4, I remember thinking: "I can count to 10, so cool!" At the age of 5, I remember thinking: "Wow, I can count to 100 now, so cool!"

And at the age of 6: "When does this thing even fucking end?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8evdht/at_the_age_of_4_i_remember_thinking_i_can_count/
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When asked for her occupation, A woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher,

The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write “I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8evb5a/when_asked_for_her_occupation_a_woman_charged/
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What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are Wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8evacq/what_is_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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Are you circumcised?

A  man walks into the Election office in Manchester and says to the Receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an independent candidate".
Receptionist: "Certainly sir, no problem. Please fill in this Form".
He was filling the Form until he came to the question: ''Are you circumcised?"
So he asked the Receptionist: "Is that question necessary?"
Receptionist:
"If you are circumcised you are not eligible".
He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?
Receptionist: "To become a genuine politician, you have to be a complete prick".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ev9d9/are_you_circumcised/
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A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him to Texas for the first time...

After finishing his first sales meeting in Texas, It was getting late so he checked into a hotel and went to its restaurant for dinner. He ordered a small beer. The waitress brought him a huge mug.
“Waitress” he said, “I ordered a small beer.” She said, “ This is Texas. In Texas that’s a small beer.” Then he ordered a petite steak and the waitress brought him a two inch thick steak so big the sides of it were hanging of the edge of the plate.
“Waitress, I ordered a petite steak”
She told him that in Texas that was a petite steak. After a while all that beer was getting to him, so he asked the waitress where the restroom was. She told him to go down the hall two doors and turn to the *RIGHT*. He staggered down the hall two doors, turned *LEFT*, and walked into the hotel swimming pool, As he bobbed to the surface, he screamed,
“DON’T FLUSH IT!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ev6z0/a_salesman_is_assigned_a_new_route_that_takes_him/
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Three kids named Raindrop, Snowflake and Brick are in school on the first day.

The teacher asks Raindrop "Why is your name Raindrop?"
"Because when I was born, a raindrop fell on my head."
Then she asks Snowflake "Why is your name Snowflake?"
"Because when I was born, a snowflake fell on my head."
Then she asks Brick "Why is your name Brick?"
"Muuuhggaahhh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ev5ph/three_kids_named_raindrop_snowflake_and_brick_are/
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What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ev580/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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What do women and condoms have in common?

They both spend too much time in your pocket and not enough time on your cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ev0h7/what_do_women_and_condoms_have_in_common/
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A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euzuo/a_government_employee_sits_in_his_office_and_out/
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Did you know that hamsters die after having sex?

The one I fucked did anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euzfu/did_you_know_that_hamsters_die_after_having_sex/
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„Soldier!“

„Yes, General?“
„I didn’t see you at the disguise training this morning!“
„Thank You, Sir!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euzab/soldier/
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A Mushroom walks into a bar

The bartender tells him that they do not allow mushrooms inside.  The mushroom responds, "Why not.  I am a fun guy."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euz8f/a_mushroom_walks_into_a_bar/
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I didn't believe that a friend had a picture of his mom after a bukkake party with Micky Dolenz, Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork, and Davy Jones.

But then I saw her face...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eux66/i_didnt_believe_that_a_friend_had_a_picture_of/
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Why do chickens use Tinder?

They want the cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euuml/why_do_chickens_use_tinder/
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A farmer walked into a hardware store

and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
“You won’t have to keep a bicycle fed,” said the storekeep, “and you can ride around your farm on it. They’re getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.”
“I’d rather put the 35 dollars into a cow,” said the farmer.
“Well,” said the hardware man sarcastically, “you’d look almighty foolish riding around your farm on a cow, now, wouldn’t you?”
“No more foolish, I guess,” said the farmer, “than I would milking a bicycle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euu11/a_farmer_walked_into_a_hardware_store/
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3 Nuns go to confession. (Semi-nsfw)

The first nun says "Father, I have sinned, I have not been not been going to church every Sunday"
The priest says, "Alright that will be 5 hail mary's and God will forgive you."
The second nun says "Father, I have sinned, I have not been performing my duties with charity work since I became a nun"
The priest says, "Alright that will be 5 hail mary's, and 5 our fathers and God will forgive you."
The third nun says "Father, I have sinned, I have not been wearing panties, and I have been having sexual urges"
The priest says, "Alright that will be 5 hail mary's, and 5 our fathers, and five cartwheels and God will forgive you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euscw/3_nuns_go_to_confession_seminsfw/
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant...

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous woman sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies...
'You just caught my eye.'
**Credit To - /u/sentorien**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euqqb/a_man_is_dining_in_a_fancy_restaurant/
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How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask which period it came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euqn0/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archaeologist/
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An American, a Russian and a Mexican are standing on a bridge

The Russian pulls out a bottle of vodka, takes one swig and throws it off the bridge. The Mexican looks at him stunned and says " Hey man, that was a perfectly good bottle, what gives, homes?" To which the russian replies " Theres too much of this where I come from" The mexican proceeds to pull out a giant blunt, lights it, takes one hoot amd throws it over the bridge. The American screams "That was a perfectly good blunt! Why'd you do that!?" To which the mexican replied "Listen essay, theres way too much of this where I come from." The American is baffled but, his ego won't let him be beat. He looks to his left, then his right, grabs the Mexican and tosses him over the bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euqgr/an_american_a_russian_and_a_mexican_are_standing/
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Johnny got a train set for christmas

Johnny got a train set for Christmas, his mom was in the kitchen and his dad was at work as Johnny played with his trains. He makes the train go around and around the track and stops at the train station and says
"All the assholes that want to get on, get on. All the assholes that want to get off, get off."
His mother comes in and says, "Johnny! What did you just say?!"
He looks up at her and goes, "All the assholes that want to get on, get on. All the assholes that want to get off, get off."
His mother, angry at him, tells him to go sit in the corner. Johnny goes and sits in the corner and after five minutes hes crying and whining, "Mom I want to play with my trains! I want to play with my trains!"
His mom, tired of this. Sighs and says, "Fine but I better not hear that word from you again."
Johnny goes back to playing with his trains. He makes the train go around and around the track and stops at the train station and says
"All the assholes that want to get on, get on. All the assholes that want to get off, get off."
His mother comes in and says, "Johnny!! Go sit in the corner and wait till your dad gets home!!"
So Johnny goes and sits in the corner and after ten minutes of whining and yelling that he wants to play with his trains his mom sighs and gives in. "Fine but I better not ever hear that word from you again!"
"No mom I swear! I swear! I wont never say it again!" Johnny runs off and starts playing with his trains again. He makes the train go around and around the track and stops at the train station and says.
"All the nice people that want to get on, get on. All the nice people that want to get off, get off. That bitch in the kitchen has us running fifteen minutes late"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euq4q/johnny_got_a_train_set_for_christmas/
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Why is it so difficult to move mail?

Because it’s stationary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euq28/why_is_it_so_difficult_to_move_mail/
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There's two forms of English.

The Queen's English, and spelling mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eup2t/theres_two_forms_of_english/
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What does a buffalo do when it's bored?

It goes ka-yaking.
Courtesy of my 10 year old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euor9/what_does_a_buffalo_do_when_its_bored/
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A man running in front of a car....

..gets tyred and a man running behind a car gets exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euky5/a_man_running_in_front_of_a_car/
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I like my sunglasses like I like my politicians,

Polarized and able to be bought surprisingly cheap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eukv8/i_like_my_sunglasses_like_i_like_my_politicians/
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Why aren't mass protests called weight protests?

The situation never has enough gravity to warrant it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eukp7/why_arent_mass_protests_called_weight_protests/
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What's the biggest lie I was told in sex ed class?

That i'd eventually have sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euimc/whats_the_biggest_lie_i_was_told_in_sex_ed_class/
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Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other

Retards
/u/TheDarkKn1ght
(First post to this community, please be kind)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eui3j/dear_keyboard_manufacturers_im_writing_to_request/
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I like my coffee like I like my women.

I don’t like coffee, I’m gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eui1o/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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How do you make a cat go"Woof"?

Pour petrol on it and light it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euh1j/how_do_you_make_a_cat_gowoof/
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What do you call it when Kratos floats in water?

BOYancy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euh1f/what_do_you_call_it_when_kratos_floats_in_water/
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Three stereotypes (one that you don't like) are in this particular situation

The first two act in a normal or clever way, while the third confirms some negative thing you want to think about the stereotype, but in a humorous way!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eufu4/three_stereotypes_one_that_you_dont_like_are_in/
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A talented unemployed singer is like communism

Sounds good, doesn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eudlo/a_talented_unemployed_singer_is_like_communism/
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What does the crusader do when he sees a good post?

He upvults!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eudhp/what_does_the_crusader_do_when_he_sees_a_good_post/
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If im ever sent to jail, im going to rename myself Mitochondria

This is to let them know I am the powerhouse of the cell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8euaah/if_im_ever_sent_to_jail_im_going_to_rename_myself/
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I heard a joke about the earth going around the sun

It was revolutionary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eu9iu/i_heard_a_joke_about_the_earth_going_around_the/
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My psychiatrist says I invade other people's privacy because I'm "insecure".

Says the guy whose home WiFi password is "password123".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eu86j/my_psychiatrist_says_i_invade_other_peoples/
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My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eu77w/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
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My girlfriend asked if I was sad that I had to give up my bird collection...

I told her I have no egrets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eu5nu/my_girlfriend_asked_if_i_was_sad_that_i_had_to/
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A Native American Chief was asked by somebody on his reservation how cold the coming winter will be...

He isn't sure what to say, but to be safe he responds, "It will be very cold.  Start collecting firewood to prepare."
Later that week he realizes that he might be wrong with his prediction, so he walks into the city and uses a pay phone to call the local weather station.
He asks them, "Can you tell me if the coming winter will be colder than usual?"
The guy at the weather station says, "Actually, yes, we have information that the coming winter will be a cold one."
After hearing this, the Chief goes back to his reservation and tells them, "This winter will be very cold.  Collect as much firewood as you can.  We need to be prepared for a very cold winter."
The next week, the Chief goes back into the city and calls the weather station again.  He asks, "Do you have any updates on how cold this winter will be?"
The guy responds, "Uhhh, this winter could be one of the most severe we've seen in a long time.  You can expect the conditions to be extreme.  Very cold."
So the Chief goes back to his reservation and says, "Every able-bodied man, woman, and child needs to be out collecting firewood!  Collect as much as you can!  Collect wood like your life depends on it!"
Another week goes by and the Chief goes back into the city to call the weather station.  He asks, "Do you have an update on this coming winter?"
The guy at the station says, "This is going to be possibly one of the coldest winters EVER on record.  At the very least it's going to be one of the coldest we've seen in decades."
After hearing this, the Chief is getting worried and asks, "How can you be sure?"
The guy says, "Well... we can't be 100% sure, but the Natives out here are collecting a fuck ton of firewood."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eu4xb/a_native_american_chief_was_asked_by_somebody_on/
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The cashier asked me "paper or plastic?"...

I said, "either, I'm bi-sacktual."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eu3ha/the_cashier_asked_me_paper_or_plastic/
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Did you know that back in the 80's the alphabet only had 24 letters?

That's because ET went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etyqb/did_you_know_that_back_in_the_80s_the_alphabet/
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I was in the motherland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,

"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with my bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? NO!" He points out the other window."Y'see that bridge out there? I built that all by myself, stone by stone with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Bridge Builder? NO! This very bar, I built it plank by plank with me bare hands but do they call me McGregor: The Bar Builder? NO!" He slams his pint and cradles his head in his hands. “But ya fuck one goat”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etyio/i_was_in_the_motherland_when_i_walk_into_a_pub/
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Why do native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ety69/why_do_native_americans_hate_april/
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A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette are running from some guards in a medieval castle c.1320.

They stumble into a storage room on the far side of the keep that is piled high with boxes, barrels and sacks. The Redhead hurriedly empties a bunch of potatoes out of one of the burlaps and climbs inside. The Brunette and the Blonde quickly follow suit.
The guards are about to rush past the store room but hear something inside and go to investigate: no one appears to be in there.
One of the guards quizzically gives a sharp kick to an oddly placed bag--the one the Brunette is hiding in--and is rewarded with an irritated "MEOW!"
"Just a filthy cat," explains the guard, as he kicks another.
This time it's the Redheads: "Woof W^oooo^ooof," emits a high pitched yelp!
"Just a bloody dog, then," says the guard.
He kicks a third sack, and this time it's the Blonde's. Thinking she has caught on to the trick she exclaims, "Potato! Potato! Potato!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etweq/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_are_running/
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A security guard came up to me yesterday...

and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etuxm/a_security_guard_came_up_to_me_yesterday/
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A man driving a car crashed into a woman. Who's fault was it?

The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etrbq/a_man_driving_a_car_crashed_into_a_woman_whos/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etqg4/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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'Daddy, can I use the car tonight?' (NSFW / NSFL)

A girl was sitting at home Friday night waiting to be picked up for a party. She receives a phone call informing her that her ride had car trouble and would not be able to pick her up. Frustrated, she heads down stairs to ask her father for the car. 'Daddy, can I have the car tonight? Ashley's car broke down and she is unable to pick me up for the party.'
Her dad looks up, 'I'm sorry honey, with your mom out of town, and without a second vehicle, I wouldn't want something happening to you; and risk an emergency.'
The girl storms back up stairs- cools off and decides to try again. She heads back downstairs... 'Daddy, can I please, please, have the car tonight? I will do extra chores for a week.' Sensing her desperation, her dad pauses; 'I'm really not comfortable letting you take the car out tonight honey, I am sorry.'
Growing more and more frustrated, the girl decides to employ all of her resources. 'Daddy, please; this is is the party of the year.. I'll do anything at all, please, just name it, I really need the car tonight'. Again, her dad looks up, raises an eyebrow and says: 'Anything at all?' The girls eyes perk up... "Yes Daddy! ANYTHING!"
Her father looks down at his lap and then back up at his daughter. 'Well, with your mother being gone, I could sure use a blowjob.'
With disgust, his daughter stares at him. Soon her anger resides and she thinks 'what the hell, fine!'
She gets down on her knees and starts to blow her dad, sucking and stroking... a few licks in, she stops and looks up at her dad with a foul look on her face; 'What the hell dad, your dick tastes like shit!'  He laughs and replies; 'oh, that's right... your brother has the car.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etq7u/daddy_can_i_use_the_car_tonight_nsfw_nsfl/
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What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?

I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etngt/what_is_the_biggest_lie_in_the_entire_universe/
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What's the difference between a blow job and anal

A blow job is good for a day, anal will make your hole week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etnbo/whats_the_difference_between_a_blow_job_and_anal/
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Sister Mathematical (S.M.) and Sister Logical (S.L.) [Long]

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
*S.L.*:   Have you noticed a man that has been following us for the past half hour?
*S.M.*:  Yes, I wonder what he wants?
*S.L.*:   It's logical. It's logical. He wants to rape us.
*S.M.*:  Oh no! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
*S.L.*:   The only logical thing to do of course, we have to start walking faster.
*S.M.*:  It's not working.
*S.L.*:   Of course it's not working, the man did the only logical thing to do. He also started to walk faster.
*S.M.*:   So, what shall we do? At this pace he will reach us in less than 1 minute.
*S.L.*:  The only logical thing we can do is split up. He cannot follow both of us.
So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not arrived yet. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
*S.M.*:  Sister Logical! Thank God you are here. Tell us what happened?
*S.L.*:   The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he decided to go after me.
*S.M.*:  So, what happened? Please tell us.
*S.L.*:   The only logical thing to happen,. I started to run as fast as I could.
*S.M.*:  So what happened?
*S.L.*:   The only logical thing to happen, the man also started to run as fast as he could.
*S.M.*:  And what else?
*S.L.*:   The only logical thing to happen, he reached me.
*S.M.*:  Oh, no. what did you do then?
*S.L.*:   The only logical thing to do...I took my dress up.
*S.M.*:  Oh Sister, what did the man do?
*S.L.*:   The only logical thing to do, he pulled down his pants.
*S.M.*:  Oh, NO! What happened then?
*S.L.*:   Isn't it logical Sister? A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etm57/sister_mathematical_sm_and_sister_logical_sl_long/
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Got asked by two Thai girls if I wanted a threesome. They said it would be like winning the lottery...

...to my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etlda/got_asked_by_two_thai_girls_if_i_wanted_a/
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I had to pay for everything when I went out with a couple classical musicians

they were completely baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etk08/i_had_to_pay_for_everything_when_i_went_out_with/
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What kind of car is the Popemobile?

A Christ-ler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etioc/what_kind_of_car_is_the_popemobile/
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Biker VS Suicidal Girl

A tough looking group of bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etimu/biker_vs_suicidal_girl/
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My jokes are like eucalyptus steeped in water

Koala-tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etet5/my_jokes_are_like_eucalyptus_steeped_in_water/
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How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screenshots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eterj/how_does_a_computer_get_drunk/
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A Nazi walks into a pub...

He sees a Jew sitting in the corner and says "A drink for everyone except the Jew!"
But the Jew still smiles.
Now annoyed, the Nazi says "Another round for everyone except the Jew!"
But the Jew is still smiling.
Confused and enraged, the Nazi asks the bartender "What, is he an idiot?"
The bartender replied "No sir, he owns the pub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8etanp/a_nazi_walks_into_a_pub/
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Sticks and stones may break my bones.

But drone strikes affect your education.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8et9df/sticks_and_stones_may_break_my_bones/
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A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8et8u2/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_against_a/
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Why did the astronaut leave his wife?

He needed some space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8et8to/why_did_the_astronaut_leave_his_wife/
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I remember what my dad said before he kicked the bucket

He said, "I'm gonna kick this bucket."
Unfortunately there was a grenade in that bucket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8et80y/i_remember_what_my_dad_said_before_he_kicked_the/
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What do you call a communist pirate ship?

The USS-ARRR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8et7k9/what_do_you_call_a_communist_pirate_ship/
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A classic blonde joke

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!ya

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8et6y2/a_classic_blonde_joke/
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A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.
The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling fart. Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a pound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8et6e7/a_sweet_young_girl_walks_into_an_elevator_at/
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Three tomatoes are walking down the street

Papa tomato, Mama tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby tomato starts lagging behind and Papa tomato gets really angry. He goes back and squishes him and says,
Ketchup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8et61d/three_tomatoes_are_walking_down_the_street/
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A man walks into a chip shop with a fish under his arm and asks "Do you have any fish cakes?"

"No," replies the owner "we've sold out."
"That's a shame," says the man "it's his birthday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8et570/a_man_walks_into_a_chip_shop_with_a_fish_under/
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What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter 'f'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8et4o9/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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I was having trouble finding a singing partner,

so I bought myself a duet yourself kit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8et1ev/i_was_having_trouble_finding_a_singing_partner/
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Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"
Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"
St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs a car in heaven to get around. Only you'll be receiving a beat up old Ford Pinto "
Meanwhile the man sees a couple of his old friends receiving their cars.
The first guy had one minor affair during a rough patch in his marriage and was given a nice Toyota Camry. The second guy is granted a brand new Lamborghini for never even thinking about another woman other than his wife.
All of a sudden, inside heaven, the man with the Ford Pinto starts crying. Concerned, his two friends check on him to ask him why he's so sad.
He points to his wife who is riding around on a pair of roller skates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8et13z/cheating_husband_dies_and_makes_it_to_the_pearly/
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I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eszg6/i_walked_into_a_subway_copycat_joint_earlier_to/
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A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica.

They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: "You got dem on de wrong feet, mon! You got dem on de wrong feet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8esy9u/a_married_couple_was_on_vacation_in_jamaica/
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I’m divorcing my wife. First it was the, window cleaner then the postman, her ex-boyfriend, and then my best mate It’s pretty clear…

I just love cock !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8est9d/im_divorcing_my_wife_first_it_was_the_window/
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Why did T-rex have to register with police?

He was a small arms dealer.
I'm very sorry, I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8espqn/why_did_trex_have_to_register_with_police/
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A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche

and his parents began to yell and scream,
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” demanded his parents.
We know what a Porsche costs..”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. Don’t know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8esnco/a_fifteen_yearold_boy_came_home_with_a_porsche/
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Truck driver

So, a truck driver stops at a diner for a cup of coffee, a piece of pie, and a chat with the waitress one evening. Everything’s going fine until a biker gang turns up. They park and come inside, looking for some action. It’s just the truck driver and the waitress, so they start in on the truck driver, spitting in his coffee, eating his pie, knocking his hat off. None of this gets the truck driver too upset or moves him off his stool. Finally, he pays the check and walks out the door. The disappointed leader of the bikers turns to the waitress. “Did you see what that guy put up with? That truck driver wasn’t much of a man, was he?”
“Nope,” the waitress said. “I guess not. But he’s not much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over fifteen motorcycles in the parking lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8esmm9/truck_driver/
%
Were do Russians get their milk from?

MosCow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8esl8d/were_do_russians_get_their_milk_from/
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Two nuns.....

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8esktm/two_nuns/
%
My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."
She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"
To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8esjmy/my_wife_said_i_dreamed_they_were_auctioning_off/
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Why is it arrogant for a guy to have 2 penises?

It makes him two-cocky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8esiei/why_is_it_arrogant_for_a_guy_to_have_2_penises/
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A Latino couple have two twins

One is named Juan, and the other is named Jamal. The mother is ecstatic because she had a pair of beautiful twins. However, they can only afford to raise one. After much debate between the mother and father, they decide to give up Jamal for adoption and to keep Juan. Many years go by. One day, the mother says to the father, “its been so many years, I wonder what Jamal looks like. My dear boy must be so big by now.” The father replies, “well, once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Jamal.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8esgqw/a_latino_couple_have_two_twins/
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Why can’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8esgex/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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Knock! Knock! Who's there?! Grandpa...

##**QUICK, STOP THE FUNERAL!!!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8esf2l/knock_knock_whos_there_grandpa/
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Started going to the gym and I dropped 10 pounds very quickly.

Thankfully the dumbbell missed my foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8esdr4/started_going_to_the_gym_and_i_dropped_10_pounds/
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Where's ya bin (full version)

A trash man knocks on the back door of an Asian restaurant.
The proprietor comes out and the trash man says: ‘where’s ya bin’
The Asian proprietor: ‘I bin to Hong Kong’
Trash man: ‘no... where’s ya wheelie bin?’
Asian proprietor: ‘I wheely bin to hong kong’
Trash man: ‘Ok... so how about: where’s ya dust bin’
Asian proprietor: ‘I dust bin inside doing some paperwork’
Just then the proprietor's wife drives up.
Trash man: (ANGILY) ‘YOUR BIN IS MISSING!’
The owner's wife runs the car into the trash man knocking him onto the street.
She yells out of her window: ‘HIS BINIS IS A SMALL BUT IS A NOT MISSING!’
The trash man jumps up and angily yells at the woman: "GET OUT THE CAR BITCH!"
Owner's wife: 'I already take carbitch out yesterday. It out front.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8es63o/wheres_ya_bin_full_version/
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I saw a man at the grocery store flinging slices of American cheese into the air.

He then started chugging cartons of milk right off the shelf.
After that he started smashing containers of yogurt open on his forehead.
It was shocking. All I could think was “how dare he!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8es5jw/i_saw_a_man_at_the_grocery_store_flinging_slices/
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Pamela Anderson has a name for the space between her two huge breasts.

Silicon Valley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8es46g/pamela_anderson_has_a_name_for_the_space_between/
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I just bought some Coca Cola stocks.

It's nice to have some liquid assets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8es0e6/i_just_bought_some_coca_cola_stocks/
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Videogames can make you live your craziest fantasies

like in the sims where you can have a job and own a house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8es0d0/videogames_can_make_you_live_your_craziest/
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A girl asks her father, “Do all fairytales begin with Once Upon A Time?”

And the father replied, “ No there is a whole series of fairytales that begin with ‘If Elected I Promise.....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8erv28/a_girl_asks_her_father_do_all_fairytales_begin/
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Logic 101

Mitch sees Nick, an old friend, and walks up to him: "Where have you been? Haven't seen you for a while at the pub. Wanna join us on the card game tonight?"
"I can't. I have a lecture in an hour."
"A lecture? Aren't you too old to study?"
"You're never too old to study the logic."
"Logic?", Mitch shakes his head, "what is that supposed to be?"
"Let me give you an example. Which of your belongings at home gives you the most joy?"
"I got an aquarium. Neat little thing, with a chest where bubbles come out and..."
"So you like fish.", Nick comes a bit closer, "Now look how logic will lead us further: You like fish, so you like the sea. You like the sea, so you like the beach. You like the beach, so you like the young women there. Young women in Bikinis. Tanned."
"Yes!Yes! I like how logic brought us to the women!"
"And if you like all that, it means you are a man! That is logic!"
"I see! That is indeed amazing!"
Nick looks at his watch. "I have to go now. Don't want to be late."
"Yes, you should not be late. Go and learn more wise things to teach us, my friend!"
Mitch is a bit proud about Nick and does not notice that Pete approaches him.
"Hey Mitch. Was that Nick? What's up with him these day? Will he join us later?"
"No, he won't. Nick is a man of science now. He studys the logic."
"Logic? What is that?"
"Let me give you an example, since I do know a thing or two myself: Do you have an aquarium?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eruxd/logic_101/
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Why'd magneto stop wearing purple?

Because the days of fuchsia passed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eruwk/whyd_magneto_stop_wearing_purple/
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I really don't want communism

It's a big red flag for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ertxg/i_really_dont_want_communism/
%
How many toddlers does it take to paint a garage?

One of you throw it hard enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8erou3/how_many_toddlers_does_it_take_to_paint_a_garage/
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What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?

a Wooly Jumper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8erot8/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_kangaroo_with_a/
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Where ya bin?

trashman knocks on the back door of an Asian restaurant.
The proprietor comes out
Trash man says: ‘where’s ya bin’
Asian proprietor says: ‘I bin to Hong Kong’
Trash man says: ‘no... where’s ya wheelie bin?’
Asian proprietor: ‘I wheely bin to hong kong’
Trash man: ‘ok... so how about: where’s ya dust bin’
Proprietor: ‘I dust bin inside doing some paperwork’
The trash man, defeated, left without the trash.
Disclaimer: it’s such an old joke but it’s always been one of my favourites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8erohp/where_ya_bin/
%
A middle aged couple are golfing when

The man hits his ball far off the green and it smashes through the window of a small shack just by the side of the course. Figuring they need to apologise and pay, the couple go to the shack.
When they knock on the door, and elderly man comes out and starts thanking them profusely, pointing to a knocked over lamp and explaining he is a genie and the stray ball freed him. He offers the couple one wish each, and asks they let him have the third, to which they agree. The man says "I wish to have a billion pounds" and the genie snaps his fingers, saying that the next time he checks his account there will be a billion pounds in there. The woman says "I wish for us both to have a long and happy life" and the genie snaps his fingers, saying they will both see their 120th birthdays at least, and will have great fortune until their final days.
Then the genie makes his wish. He says "I'm sorry if this is a little rash, but I've been trapped in that lamp for thousands of years and haven't had sex in all that time. I'd like to request the opportunity to sleep with your wife, if that's okay with both of you." Figuring all the good the genie has done for them, they both agree, and the man waits outside while his wife goes with the genie inside the shack.
After several hours of lovemaking, the genie turns to the woman and asks "out of curiosity, how old are you and your husband?" To which she explains they're both 42.
"42 and you still believe in genies, huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ermyi/a_middle_aged_couple_are_golfing_when/
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Stevie Wonder walks into a bar...

And a table, and a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8erl77/stevie_wonder_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Hitler wasn't all that bad

I mean, after all he killed Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8erght/hitler_wasnt_all_that_bad/
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Perspectives

A drunk gets into a tram and as he was quite dizzy, has a seat.
At the next stop, a young aspiring girl who is training to become a gymnast gets on. As there were no free seats, she stands right above our drunken fellow, hanging on to the bar for balance.
That day was a summer day, so due to the heat, the girl had a sleeveless shirt on and one could see that she had not shaved her armpit in some time.
At one point the drunk notices her and asks:
- My lady, are you by any chance a gymnast?
The girl, almost blushing at the thought that already she is recognised as an athlete, cannot help herself but ask:
- Why yes dear sir, I am. May I please know how you were able to tell?
- Well, I gathered that only a gymnast could lift her  leg that high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8erfu1/perspectives/
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What is the longest part of a woman's body?

Her legs.  They go from the floor all the way to paradise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8erer4/what_is_the_longest_part_of_a_womans_body/
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An old Soviet joke

Nikita Khrushchev and John Kennedy are chilling at a bar after a hard day of work.
"You know, Nick", says Kennedy, "Here, in the United States of America, we have a real, undisputed democracy. In my country, every citizen  can come over to the White House and call John F. Kennedy a faggot freely."
"In this case", answers Khrushchev , "we have undisputed democracy too. Back in my country, every Soviet citizen can come over to the Kremlin and call John F. Kennedy a faggot as well".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8erep8/an_old_soviet_joke/
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What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? [Nsfw]

A boy scout comes home from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8erctl/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_boy/
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In Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8erbme/in_nude_beach/
%
I used to eat at Applebees

then I got enough money to buy my own microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8er8uo/i_used_to_eat_at_applebees/
%
what do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis?

Fucks Funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8er7u9/what_do_you_call_a_rabbit_with_a_crooked_penis/
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A story about lovers lost

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate, Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.
Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, can't even remember where he was from, but let's just say I put my plans on hold since we had to run him to the ER. Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months.
Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend. Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
(I feel like this has to be a repost so I apologize but it was the first time I heard it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8er55x/a_story_about_lovers_lost/
%
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red ball.

The mathematician measures its diameter, substitutes it into a formula for volume, and calculates the answer.
The physicist submerges the ball and measures the volume of displaced liquid.
The engineer looks it up in his Handbook on Red Balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8er45j/a_mathematician_a_physicist_and_an_engineer_are/
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20 years ago I asked my high school love out to Prom, today I ask her to marry me...

Both times she said no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8er34a/20_years_ago_i_asked_my_high_school_love_out_to/
%
What was Hannibal Lecter's favorite Japanese food?

Rawmen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eqwyg/what_was_hannibal_lecters_favorite_japanese_food/
%
Two mice meet and start chatting...

“Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone.
“OMG,” cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”
“What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eqrtw/two_mice_meet_and_start_chatting/
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What do cannibals say before giving high-fives?

“Give me some skin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eqpm1/what_do_cannibals_say_before_giving_highfives/
%
Veganism is like Communism

They are both fine, unless you like food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eqold/veganism_is_like_communism/
%
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eqni7/i_was_sitting_in_a_bar_one_day_and_two_really/
%
A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.

The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.
The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.
The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eqg90/a_drunk_staggers_into_a_church_one_evening_goes/
%
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eqemx/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_after_they_die/
%
A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chili but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"
The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to  see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eqe9k/a_man_walks_into_a_diner_one_day_and_orders_a/
%
The guy that bullied me in high school still takes my lunch money.

In his defense though, he does make an excellent sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eqe3y/the_guy_that_bullied_me_in_high_school_still/
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Just got fired from the keyboard factory the other day

Apparently I wasn’t putting in enough shifts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eqe0k/just_got_fired_from_the_keyboard_factory_the/
%
Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eqcqu/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
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A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eqbz5/a_slice_of_apple_pie_is_250_in_jamaica_and_300_in/
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We should’ve known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eqbgz/we_shouldve_known_communism_would_fail/
%
A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"
"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."
The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"
"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you not long ago."
The girl felt her own face and then her granddad's again, thought for a moment and then said, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eqaue/a_little_girl_was_sitting_on_her_granddads_lap/
%
One day the zoo keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books; On the Origin of Species and the Bible.

Surprised, he asked the orangutan, "Why are you reading both of those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eq9ix/one_day_the_zoo_keeper_noticed_that_the_orangutan/
%
What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eq95c/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
What’s the difference between hookers and onions?

I don’t cry when I cut up hookers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eq2zp/whats_the_difference_between_hookers_and_onions/
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The Party

A man is hitchhiking close to sundown when a trucker picks him up.
Trucker: Where you headed?
Man: I'll get a room at the next town.
Trucker: I'm headed to a party in woods up the road. You're welcome to go.
Man: That sounds great.
Trucker: Just to warn you though, there's going to be a lot of drinking.
Man: Perfect. I could use a drink.
Trucker: There's going to be some swearing.
Man: My kind of people.
Trucker: There's going to be some fighting.
Man: I can hold my own.
Trucker: And there's going to be a whole lot of fucking.
Man: Damn! This sounds like the party of the year. How many people are going to be there?
Trucker: Just you and me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eq22l/the_party/
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Did you hear about the man who fell into a well?

He couldn’t see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eq203/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_fell_into_a_well/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know, and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8epxvg/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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Poop jokes aren't my favorite...

But they're a solid #2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8epxus/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye, matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8epv7q/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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6:30 is my favorite time...

Hands down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8epshh/630_is_my_favorite_time/
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What did Spartacus do when a cannibal feasted on his nagging wife?

Nothing. He’s gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eprlj/what_did_spartacus_do_when_a_cannibal_feasted_on/
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I just bought some incel olive oil.

I figured if "extra virgin" olive oil is good, this stuff would be amazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eppq8/i_just_bought_some_incel_olive_oil/
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“You’re a unit of power, Harry.”

Harry: “I’m a watt?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8epopa/youre_a_unit_of_power_harry/
%
Me: “Do you think it’s strange to talk to yourself?”

Me: “No.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8epjdm/me_do_you_think_its_strange_to_talk_to_yourself/
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Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ephum/broccoli_hey_i_look_like_a_tree/
%
So a man had an appointment with a psychologist...

The man couldn't find any clean clothes to wear, so he decided to cover himself with saran wrap. As the man approaches the office, the psychologist says to him,
"I decided to cancel our appointment together."
"What? Why?" asked the man
"Because I can clearly see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ephqc/so_a_man_had_an_appointment_with_a_psychologist/
%
If you’re going to murder someone do it with a Tupperware top

No one will ever be able to find it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8epgi8/if_youre_going_to_murder_someone_do_it_with_a/
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.
“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”
“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ep8zy/two_mexican_detectives_were_investigating_the/
%
A man needs WiFi at the local pub.

A man goes into a local pub and has poor cell signal.
He asks for the WiFi password.
The bartender replies: “You need to buy a drink first.”
The man says fine and orders a Coke, which costs him $3. He then asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?”
The bartender answers: “You need to buy a drink first, all lowercase no spaces.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ep8b0/a_man_needs_wifi_at_the_local_pub/
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Ron Howard is opening a pizza service business for Redditors.

It’s called Opie Delivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ep6l3/ron_howard_is_opening_a_pizza_service_business/
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Would the person who schedules the girls at a brothel...

...be called the whore-ganizer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ep4q4/would_the_person_who_schedules_the_girls_at_a/
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Why can’t blind people eat fish?

Because it’s sea food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ep4mv/why_cant_blind_people_eat_fish/
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My friend loves shrimp so much that she's gonna have a shrimp party without inviting anyone

She's becoming shelfish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ep43d/my_friend_loves_shrimp_so_much_that_shes_gonna/
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So robbers broke into my house and stole all the soap,

Dirty bastards, but than the cops came and did a full report. The cops said they got away clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ep0py/so_robbers_broke_into_my_house_and_stole_all_the/
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Men’s Helpline

Men's Help Line
"Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.
She goes out with 'the girls' a lot.I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes
home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline
crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eoz4s/mens_helpline/
%
Two guys sitting next to each other in a loud, crowded bar...

Over all the noise, one guy turns to the other guy and says, "I had sex with your mother last night".  The other guy just shakes his head and turns away.
About 2 drinks later, the first guy says a little louder, "I BANGED your mother last night!!"  A few people around them stopped what they were doing to see how the other guy was going to respond, but he just turns away clearly embarrassed.
3 shots later, the first guy yells as loud as he possibly can, "I  DESTROYED YOUR MOM IN BED LAST NIGHT!!!"  This time the entire bar heard and the room fell silent in shock...
The other guy turns to him and says, "Dad, go home.. you're drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eotn2/two_guys_sitting_next_to_each_other_in_a_loud/
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I figured out why hurricanes are named after women

When they come they’re wild and wet but when they leave they take your house and car with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eos3w/i_figured_out_why_hurricanes_are_named_after_women/
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What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirtbag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eoq53/whats_the_difference_between_a_harley_and_a_hoover/
%
I was watching the paraolympics and it was so inspirational

My little boy turns around to me and says "daddy, when i grow up, i want to be disabled!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eonci/i_was_watching_the_paraolympics_and_it_was_so/
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eolmv/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
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The doctor told me that my friend is in stable condition.

The room is filthy and there's horseshit everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eohof/the_doctor_told_me_that_my_friend_is_in_stable/
%
Two Irishmen are walking along the beach and they see a dog turned around licking himself.

One of the Irishmen says, “Don’t ya wish you could do that?”
And the other says, “Sure, but I’d be afraid he’d bite me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eohi6/two_irishmen_are_walking_along_the_beach_and_they/
%
I finally found my girlfriend’s G-Spot......

Her sister had it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eof2a/i_finally_found_my_girlfriends_gspot/
%
Fine, different alligator joke.

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender says, "hey man you can't have that in here it's dangerous!" The man says, "No no! He's not, look I can prove it that he's not dangerous." The bartender says, "okay, if you can prove that your alligator isn't dangerous, you can keep it inside." The man says, "okay watch." The man smacks the alligator on the snout with a stick and says "open." The alligator slowly opens it's mouth, the man then puts his dick and testicles inside the mouth of the alligator. The man then says "close," the alligator slowly closes it's mouth. The man says "see? I'm completely unharmed" Everyone applause and the man puts his junk back in his pants. He then says, "anyone else wanna try...?" A drunk homeless man from the back of the bar says, "sure just don't hit me with a stick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eobn2/fine_different_alligator_joke/
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Why did the crab go to jail?

For pinching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eobj9/why_did_the_crab_go_to_jail/
%
A man walks into a bar, and sits with a group of men.

After a short while, he goes over to the bartender. He buys a drink, and then buys another. He drinks both, orders a third, and then looks over to the bartender. ‘Hey, listen, I’ve got a bet for you.’
The bartender was intrigued, so he encouraged the drunken man. ‘Go on, shoot’ he says.
‘Well,’ the man starts, ‘I bet you $1,000, that I could piss into this glass, from 10 feet away, without moving or spilling a drop.’
The bartender laughs, and asks to see the money. ‘It’s in my bank, but you have my word’ says the man.
‘Okay, you’ve got it. If you spill even a drop, then you owe me the money’ the bartender says, before handing the man his glass.
The man walks, sets the glass down on the floor, walks back, and unzips his pants.
After a few seconds, the man starts, and is missing completely. He pisses all over the floor, with barely a drop reaching the glass. The bartender bursts out laughing, shouting ‘man, you owe me $1000! You’re an awful better!’
‘Well,’ begins the drunk, zipping his flies up once more,
‘I bet those men over there $50,000 that I could piss all over your bar and still have you laughing about it!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eobgo/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_with_a_group_of/
%
Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eo8qg/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
%
Would you believe there are people that think there's oceans on the moon?

What a load of lunacy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eo7jq/would_you_believe_there_are_people_that_think/
%
A young man learns about the birds and the bees on his wedding day.

A young man is fumbling with his tie the morning of his wedding when his grandfather enters the room.
“You seem nervous. Are you getting cold feet?” his grandfather asks.
“Grandpa, I’m not nervous about the wedding. I’m nervous about the wedding night. I was never able to have the talk about the birds and the bees with my father before he passed. I’m worried I won’t be able to satisfy my wife tonight.”
“Oh, that’s all? I can help with that. Follow these steps. When you go to bed, take off her clothes, lay her down gently, kiss her passionately for a while and when you’re both ready, your dick will be hard and her vagina will be wet. Just slide your dick between her legs and into her vagina. Pump it a few times. You probably won’t last longer than that if it’s your first time. Simple as that.”
“Take off her clothes, lay her down gently, kiss her passionately, put my dick into her vagina, pump three times. That’s a lot to remember. I just feel like I’m going to do something wrong. I don’t want to screw up our first time together.”
“I’ll tell you what. I’ll sneak up to your room before you get there and hide in the walk-in closet. If things aren’t working out or you need some pointers, just come see me and we’ll work it out.”
Feeling more confident knowing he has some support, the young man goes off and gets married. After the reception, he brings his new wife up to the honeymoon suite. She tells him she’s going to slip into something more comfortable and heads to the bathroom.
Feeling his nerves coming back, he checks to see if his grandfather is in the closet. He is. So they review the steps one more time before he goes back to the bed. Take off her clothes, lay her down gently, kiss her passionately, put my dick into her vagina, pump three times.
His wife comes out dressed in sheer lingerie and the young man gets excited. He tells her since she’s changed he might as well do the same and goes to the bathroom.
While she waits, the young bride feels her stomach rumbling. Not wanting to ruin the mood by rushing her husband out of the bathroom so she can take a dump, she looks around for another option. She finds a shoebox near the bed and quickly decides to do her business in it. She finishes up, covers it, and tucks it up against her side of the bed.
The young man returns in nothing but his boxers. He sees his wife standing at the foot of the bed. He’s nervous, but she’s so sexy in her lingerie he shakes it off and gets to it. He’s thinking about the plan the entire time. He slides the lingerie off her body and it falls to the floor. He picks her up and carries her to her side of the bed and lays her down gently. He drops his boxers and prepares to get on top of her. He puts one knee on the bed and steadies himself with another still on the ground. As he leans in to start kissing her his foot lands on the shoebox and, feeling something squish, looks down to his foot.
“Ugh, there’s shit in there!”
Then a voice from the closet yells, “Damn it, turn her over boy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eo76c/a_young_man_learns_about_the_birds_and_the_bees/
%
life is like a box of chocolates

it doesn't last long with fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eo5hg/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
I'll never forget my dad's last words...

He needed a blood transfusion but we didn't know his blood type... he kept telling me to "be positive", but it's really hard without him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eo4sp/ill_never_forget_my_dads_last_words/
%
A daughter’s prayers

A father is listening to his daughter say her night time prayers.
"God bless mummy, god bless daddy, god bless grandma, goodbye grandpa."
The father thinks "huh, wierd" and goes to bed thinking nothing of it. the next day he receives a phone call that his father has died. Slightly creeped, He listens to his daughter again that night.
"God bless mummy, god bless daddy, goodbye grandma."
And sure enough, the next day, the grandma is dead. He listens to his daughter again that night.
"God bless mummy, goodbye daddy."
Worried, he enters the room saying "are you sure honey?"
“Yes”
The dad goes to bed and wakes up tommorow sweating. He goes to work and ends up locking himself in the staionary cupboard all day. He is about to head home when he thinks "No, it isn't safe. I will go to a motel." so he heads to the motel and goes straight to bed. But he cannot sleep. he is sweating buckets, watching the clock slowly tick down, 11:59, he waits for the inevitable, but then, 12:00. "I MADE IT! I CHEATED DEATH!" He screams, and heads home.
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?" shouts his wife.
"I have had the shittest day," says the father.
"YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY? I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD THE BAD DAY!"
"Why sweetie?"
"I went outdoors and the bloody milkman had fallen dead on the doorstep..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eo2sj/a_daughters_prayers/
%
A boy asks his father, "Dad, why do you hate Cheez-Its?"

The father, clearly puzzled, asks him, "What do you mean?"
"Well," the boy says, "you're always saying that a goddamned orange cracker is ruining the country."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eo2c3/a_boy_asks_his_father_dad_why_do_you_hate_cheezits/
%
A woman goes to a church and confesses to the priest there. "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have seen another man's privates."

The priest tells her, "For your penance, say one Our Father, two Hail Mary's, and wash your face with holy water."
Another woman walks in and tells the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned.  I have touched another man's privates."
The priest replies, "Say two Our Father's, five Hail Mary's, and wash your hands with holy water."
The second woman goes to the holy water font and begins to wash her hands.
As she is rinsing, a third woman runs up to her, yelling, "What are you doing?  I have to gargle with that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8enyq5/a_woman_goes_to_a_church_and_confesses_to_the/
%
20 men and a witch are in a hot air balloon

One man says "We are losing air, some of us are going to have to jump out!"
The witch says "Don't worry, if you drink this potion whatever you say will appear below you, when you jump out!"
One man drinks the potion and says "Pillows" and lands in 20 pounds of pillows
Another man drinks the potion and says "A pool!" and lands in a pool
But after  the last man drinks the potion he realizes how far up he was and says "Holy shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8enx8p/20_men_and_a_witch_are_in_a_hot_air_balloon/
%
My wife is really into oral sex

All she want’s to do is talk about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8enx5d/my_wife_is_really_into_oral_sex/
%
My wife and I Used to do the Mannequin challenge...

Or as she called it... Sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ensc9/my_wife_and_i_used_to_do_the_mannequin_challenge/
%
I Wrote This On The Toilet

Toss and turn I clench my cheeks,
I'm half awake and half asleep,
My stomach growls and up I sit,
To take my nightly sloppy shit
And as I stumble in the dark,
I concentrate lest I should fart,
For if I do disaster strikes,
I'll shit my pants in this cold night
And as I take my porcelain throne,
I pray my sphincter isn't blown,
I curse the tacos that I ate,
And brace myself my ass agape,
And then it starts first with a ping,
And then a rumble oh! It stings!
For now I know that Satan's real,
Because the pain my asshole feels
Oh God! I scream as I look up,
It feels like I am shitting blood,
Or giving birth to antichrists,
I fear my ass will lose this fight
But on it goes who knows how long,
Because the pain I burst in song,
Like slaves would do in nightmares past,
When masters would start whipping backs,
And then it stops oh God is real!
I've conquered tragedies ordeal,
And now remains one gruesome task,
Mr. Homeless wipes his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8enrvn/i_wrote_this_on_the_toilet/
%
I'm very antisocial

In fact, I'm probably the most social person I know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8enodv/im_very_antisocial/
%
My boy asked me how to get a kiss on the first date. I told him to plan ahead and get some breath mints.

Tac Tics my son, Tac Tics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8enkkv/my_boy_asked_me_how_to_get_a_kiss_on_the_first/
%
What do the Twin Towers and Gender have in common?

There used to be two, but now it's a sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8endds/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_gender_have_in_common/
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Q: How many members of a cultural, religious or social outgroup does it take to accomplish a routine task?

A: An arbitrary number: One or more to actually perform the task, and the remainder to behave in an absurd fashion consistent with perceived humorous stereotypes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8enafj/q_how_many_members_of_a_cultural_religious_or/
%
An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never run out of flesh to sever. Your eyes will-"
"Are there printers?" The man interjects.
"....Printers? Um no, not that I know of, but-"
"Okay this place sounds fine, let's go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8en6le/an_it_guy_goes_to_hell/
%
An Asian man walks into an optometrist's office

AFter testing the mans vision the doctor says to him
"Sir i belive you have a cataract"
"Nonsense" the man says "I drive a Rincoln"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8en50k/an_asian_man_walks_into_an_optometrists_office/
%
How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screenshots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8en1bt/how_does_a_computer_get_drunk/
%
A research scientist today held a press conference to reveal a revolutionary new bra material that eliminates breast jiggling and nipple protrusion

At the conclusion of his press conference the assembled newsmen dragged him outside and kicked the shit out of him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8emwo2/a_research_scientist_today_held_a_press/
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Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals.

-Sent from your iPhone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8emvpn/hi_im_black_and_i_cant_stand_it_when_people/
%
A heartbroken guy walks into his bar and orders a strong drink.

"You theem pretty upthet", the barman says, with a strong lisp, "I'm a good lithener if you wanna talk about it?"
The man swigs his beverage and tells the barman about how his wife has fallen out of love with him. He explains that he's decided to give her some room in hope that the time apart will make her miss him.
"No no, thath not the anthwer", says the barman and hands him a large bottle.
"Oh, I can't drink this", says the man, "I hate aniseed".
"It'th not for you, it'th for your wife... abthinthe makth the heart grow fonder".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8emuux/a_heartbroken_guy_walks_into_his_bar_and_orders_a/
%
Porn

Some days I wish I lived in the porn universe, not to have sex all the time, but because you always get to come home early from work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8emump/porn/
%
Math joke courtesy of my teacher

I'll do algebra and I'll do trigonometry, but graphing is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8emrok/math_joke_courtesy_of_my_teacher/
%
Why doesn't Donald Trump compare his leadership to Steve Jobs?

Even *he* knows not to compare Apples and oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8empjt/why_doesnt_donald_trump_compare_his_leadership_to/
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What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?

Usain can actually finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8emkhq/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_adolf/
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Why are entomologists so book-smart?

Because they're aphid readers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eme2h/why_are_entomologists_so_booksmart/
%
Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8em7pc/guitar/
%
A little boy walks into his parents'....

room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.  She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8em6ky/a_little_boy_walks_into_his_parents/
%
"Good morning Sir, what's your name?"

"M...M...M...Michael..."
"Oh, i see, you are a stammerer, i am sorry for that!"
"Well no, actually my father was... but the registry office guy was a son of a bitch"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8em4jb/good_morning_sir_whats_your_name/
%
A guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody:

"I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!"
So everybody gets scared and runs away.
Only one person stays.
The guy comes up to him and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!"
And the other guy says: "No, I am not scared, I am e^x."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8em3ro/a_guy_gets_on_a_bus_and_starts_threatening/
%
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice

His new apprentice was willing to work long, hard hours.
One day he instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8elzg3/the_village_blacksmith_hired_an_enthusiastic_new/
%
My wife told me to burn some calories...

So I found a fat kid and set him on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8elzbr/my_wife_told_me_to_burn_some_calories/
%
A little boy comes downstairs for breakfast and there's a man he's never seen before sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee. The little boy asks, "Are you my new babysitter?"

"No, I'm your new motherfucker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8elx8r/a_little_boy_comes_downstairs_for_breakfast_and/
%
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I don’t get hard when a garbanzo beans on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8els3n/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
%
What's the last thing Allison Mack's agent told her?

You have to work on your branding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8elqe0/whats_the_last_thing_allison_macks_agent_told_her/
%
A doctor tells woman she cannot touch anything alcoholic

So she gets a divorce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8elp6i/a_doctor_tells_woman_she_cannot_touch_anything/
%
German soldiers are chasing two partisans

And the two partisans hide in the water well.
The German soldiers approach the well and one soldier looks down in the well and says "I can't see anything"...the echo comes back "I can't see anything".
Then the second German soldier looks down in the well and says "Maybe they hide in the woods"...the echo comes back "Maybe they hide in the woods".
The third German looks down in the well and says "I'll throw a grenade in there"...the echo comes back "Maybe they hide in the woods"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8elnnu/german_soldiers_are_chasing_two_partisans/
%
The town's most religious man...

As a great rainfall came the town's most religious man refused to leave. After it seemed everyone had been evacuated one last jeep came through and rescue workers asked the man to get in.
"No thank you. God will save me." said the man.
Hours later as the rain grew more intense and flood waters began to rise, a boat came by. Seeing the man the boaters approached and asked the man to get in.
"No thank you. God will save me." said the man, again.
As the flood waters grew deeper and deeper, the man was now confined to the roof of his house as a helicopter came near. Seeing the man the pilot hovered over and his co-pilot begged the man to get in.
"No thank you. God will save me." said the man yet again.
Alas, the rain never subsided and sadly the man's life was claimed. All his years of being devoted to God were not lost as he found himself standing in front of the pearly gates set for his eternal rest. The man asked of St. Peter for a conference with God himself. St. Peter, recognizing the man's years of eternal faith obliged and brought the man in front of God with the stipulation the man only ask one question. The man looked up and asked of God, "why didn't you save me, Lord?"
Light shined down from above onto the man and a voice said, "I sent you a jeep, a boat, and a helicopter. What more do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8elj0t/the_towns_most_religious_man/
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Low quality paper

Is tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8elio2/low_quality_paper/
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Why doesn’t Smokey the bear have any kids?

Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and hits her with a shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8elga6/why_doesnt_smokey_the_bear_have_any_kids/
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An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."
The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a volume."
The physicist answers: "let P be a spherical, friction-less pig...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8el8tk/an_engineer_a_mathematician_and_a_physicist_are/
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An American man visits the Holy Land...

An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asked "Are you sure? It's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man replied "look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8el68l/an_american_man_visits_the_holy_land/
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My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.

Apparently “Heating your dinner” was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8el4bb/my_girlfriend_just_caught_me_blow_drying_my_penis/
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I almost didn't steal the kitchen utensil

but it was a whisk I was willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8el0ry/i_almost_didnt_steal_the_kitchen_utensil/
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Why is hitler a better person than Jesus Christ?

Jesus Christ fed 2000 jews with 5 loaves of bread, while hitler made 6 million Jews toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ekvcd/why_is_hitler_a_better_person_than_jesus_christ/
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What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle

Optimistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ekuvq/what_do_you_call_a_fat_girl_with_a_rape_whistle/
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Height of internet addiction

At a funeral in church
A visitor: What's the Wi-Fi password here ?
Priest: Respect the dead.
Visitor: all small letters?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ekudw/height_of_internet_addiction/
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What does a math-loving mermaid usually wear?

Algebra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ekud6/what_does_a_mathloving_mermaid_usually_wear/
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I will always remember what my Dad told me before he kicked the bucket

He said "Hey. How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eksl6/i_will_always_remember_what_my_dad_told_me_before/
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What do narcos use for dry lips?

El chapostick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ekpum/what_do_narcos_use_for_dry_lips/
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My wife wanted to have 3 kids, and I only wanted to have 1...

So we compromised at 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ekk90/my_wife_wanted_to_have_3_kids_and_i_only_wanted/
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I was walking in Little Italy yesterday

when I saw a man patiently standing by his car as he was being written a parking ticket. The officer finished, and the man thanked her and opened his car.
Confused as to why he seemed so unconcerned I approached him. "Sir! You just got a ticket! How are you so calm about this?"
He just shrugged and said, "It's a-fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eke83/i_was_walking_in_little_italy_yesterday/
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A catholic soccer fan man goes to church before every match of his team

And he always prays to a Saint Peter statue and asks it for making his team won.
"Please San Pedro, if my team won this match, I swear I will give you $100".
And because his team is very good, they usually win every match, and the man always fulfill his word and bring the $100 and leave it on the statue's feet.
This behavior was very strange for the priest, but because it was economically helpful for the church, he didn't stop him.
But then, his team started to play badly, and they lost every match. Regardless, the man continued going to the church and asking Saint Peter for his team's victory.
And then the worst moment for his team arrived. If they lose this match, they will descend to the secondary league. And the man was very upset with Saint Peter. So the next day he went to the church completely drunk and threatened Saint Peter.
"Hear me out, San Pedro, if you don't make my team win, I swear to God I'm going to destroy you with a hammer, and I'm not going to stop until making dust of every piece of you"
The priest heard this and was very scared, but he was confident the team will win.
But the team lost.
And the priest, ran fast to the church and hide the statue in another room, and put a little Saint Peter's key holder in its place, hoping the man come drunk and doesn't tell the difference.
And the man arrived, with a big hammer, totally drunk, looking for Saint Peter, and saw the little key holder. He became confused, try to think a little, and then he told him:
"Hey kid, please call your father, I have some pending issues with him".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ekbbm/a_catholic_soccer_fan_man_goes_to_church_before/
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If you can't hear your boyfriend's truck from 4 blocks away...

..you have husband material right there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ekabm/if_you_cant_hear_your_boyfriends_truck_from_4/
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My buddy was dating twins

I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ek8i3/my_buddy_was_dating_twins/
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A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him :  "Do you have any criminal record?"
he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ek73j/a_british_man_is_visiting_australia/
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I got a vasectomy to stop having kids...

All it did was change their skin color.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ek6ko/i_got_a_vasectomy_to_stop_having_kids/
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Easily my favorite joke of all time: Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ek222/easily_my_favorite_joke_of_all_time_dave/
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An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex-girlfriend standing on the railings ...

An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex\-girlfriend standing on the railings, about to commit suicide. He apporaches her and asks:
\- Hey Sheila, what's the matter?
Tears in here eyes, she says:
\- I'm pregnant Bruce, and it's your baby!
To which Bruce replies:
\- Woah Sheila, not only are you brilliant in bed \- you're also a great sport!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ek1qz/an_australian_man_is_walking_across_sydney/
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A Pig walks into a pub.

He goes up to the bar and sees a curious looking bottle bubbling away with mist emanating from the top. Slightly flummoxed he asks the barman, “What’s this about then?”
The barman replies, “Well, this is a mystic potion, a concoction of my very own. Take a sip and it’ll magically release your full potential.”
“Bullcrap” shouts the pig.
“You see that big cat over there,” the barman says, pointing at a huge lion, “He used to be a puny house kitty. He took a sip of the magic potion and now he’s King of the jungle”.
“That guy over there,” pointing to a toothy crocodile, “He used to be a tiny lizard until he took a sip of the magic potion and now now he's the top of the food chain!”
“Okay,” said the pig. He grabbed the potion and took a large swig. A puff of smoke instantly enveloped him, and as it cleared he looked down at himself in utter shock. He had been transformed into a human!
“What the hell has your potion done to me?” shouts the pig
"Hmmm", says the barman, "how do you feel?"
"I feel like... I feel... I want to be more selfish... I feel like lying, like promising the world only to not deliver..."
"Yep, as I expected", says the barman, “it's turned you into a politician”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ek1gl/a_pig_walks_into_a_pub/
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I get ignored so much.

My name should be Terms and Conditions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ek0n9/i_get_ignored_so_much/
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An oldie but a goodie...

There were four University sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an A so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them each the 100 point exam. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tire? ____

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ejzwi/an_oldie_but_a_goodie/
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Our relationship is like the alphabet...

The X is closer to U than I ever will be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ejz8i/our_relationship_is_like_the_alphabet/
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[for the Aussies & cricket fans] A guy goes to the doctor...

...Doctor: what’s the matter?
Patient: doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my ass (arse for the Aussies)
Doctor: how’s that?
Patient: don’t you start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eju1p/for_the_aussies_cricket_fans_a_guy_goes_to_the/
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Why did Mark Zuckerberg only need a sip of water?

Zucculents are excellent at storing water and can thrive in arid climates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ejsvn/why_did_mark_zuckerberg_only_need_a_sip_of_water/
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Many people who get something that’s incomplete will worry.

But the man who buys a guitar with no neck does not fret.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ejonf/many_people_who_get_something_thats_incomplete/
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My friend david had his ID stolen the other day

We call him Dav now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ejonc/my_friend_david_had_his_id_stolen_the_other_day/
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What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ejk6q/what_do_lawyers_wear_to_court/
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What do you call a kid who finally stood up to the bullies?

An ambulance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ejk4s/what_do_you_call_a_kid_who_finally_stood_up_to/
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My little sister knocked me out cold today ..

Seriously what kind of sick fuck finds it funny to rub choloform on used panties ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ejiu2/my_little_sister_knocked_me_out_cold_today/
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What's the difference between a Blonde and a brick?

When you lay a brick, it won't follow you around for weeks afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ejez2/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a_brick/
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SPY FACT:

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ejeci/spy_fact/
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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the parking lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ejdu8/my_wife_just_gave_birth_today_and_after_thanking/
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Kids are like dreams

Disappointing when awake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ejbqf/kids_are_like_dreams/
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Why don't blind people like skydiving?

It scares the hell out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ejbkc/why_dont_blind_people_like_skydiving/
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The $50 Honesty Test

Three women were going for a job in a bank.
They were all asked the same question in their interview -
If you found $50 on the floor of the bank, what would you do with it?
The first woman says - "I would hand it straight into the management, it would be wrong of me to do anything else."
The second says "in all honesty I would keep the money, as finding the owner would take too much effort and time from everyone else's part"
The third said "I would put it into the register and leave it there until claimed"
So who do you think got the job?
The one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ej5p9/the_50_honesty_test/
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What's the lightest thing in the world?

A Penis. Even a thought can raise it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ej5e6/whats_the_lightest_thing_in_the_world/
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A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.
“Out of soup.” says the officer in charge and waves him aside.
The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.
The officer motions to the guards and they wrestle the ranting man away. As they shove him outside, one says to the man:
“Back then we could’ve shot you in the snow, comrade.”
The man goes back home to his wife. She sees him looking glum as he walks in and asks:
“Ran out of soup again?”
“Even worse,” he replied. “They ran out of bullets.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ej28o/a_man_lines_up_for_food_in_soviet_russia/
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Shitty way to brag

Some people are handsome, I'm handmany

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ej0h2/shitty_way_to_brag/
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Yo mama so fat,

When she sat on graphite, she turned it into diamonds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ej07u/yo_mama_so_fat/
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How do you call a legless dog?

You don't call it, you go pick it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eispo/how_do_you_call_a_legless_dog/
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A husband read an article to his wife

about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men!"
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eisj3/a_husband_read_an_article_to_his_wife/
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What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that gets right up in your face?

Too close for comfort food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eiscp/what_do_you_call_a_grilled_cheese_sandwich_that/
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Can you kill someone with a throwing star?

Shuriken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eirtm/can_you_kill_someone_with_a_throwing_star/
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Australians don't have sex...

Australians mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eiquk/australians_dont_have_sex/
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I bought two jars of queso instead of one...

The other one is just in queso-mergency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eip3f/i_bought_two_jars_of_queso_instead_of_one/
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If someone threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey

Would you be stoned off your ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eiki9/if_someone_threw_a_rock_and_knocked_you_off_your/
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I can't even count on one hand the number of times I've survived frostbite.

It's three.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eijcn/i_cant_even_count_on_one_hand_the_number_of_times/
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3 men and a young woman

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".
And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill.
The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money.
The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eid0x/3_men_and_a_young_woman/
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I entered ten puns in a pun contest to see which one would win.

No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ei61e/i_entered_ten_puns_in_a_pun_contest_to_see_which/
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What do you call an injury you get at yoga class?

Yoghurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ei4i3/what_do_you_call_an_injury_you_get_at_yoga_class/
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Grandfather shares his experience to the young fellow!

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.
He asked, "How often should you have it?"
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," grandpa said, "she goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room.  And she yells, 'Fuck you', and I holler back, 'Fuck you too.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ei0la/grandfather_shares_his_experience_to_the_young/
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A blonde walks into a store...

She approaches an employee and asks him
“Hi, I would like to buy this TV”
The employee looks and says
“Sorry we don’t serve blondes here”
The woman angrily storms out and purchases a black wig at the store next door and returns to the store.
She then asks the same employee if she can purchase the TV
The man replies
“Sorry we don’t serve blondes here.”
The woman, now furious goes back to the same store next door and buys a brunette wig,
She then walks up to the man and asks again if she can buy the TV
The man once again replies with
“Sorry we don’t serve blondes here.”
The blonde now pissed out of her mind leaves the store and goes next door and buys a red wig,
She runs to the same employee and asks again if she can buy the TV
The man replies again
“Sorry we don’t serve blondes here..”
The woman finally asks the man
“How do you always know that I am blonde!”
The man says
“Because you are trying to buy a microwave.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ehsun/a_blonde_walks_into_a_store/
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What is the most effective pickup line?

Hello, this is your Uber driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ehrgj/what_is_the_most_effective_pickup_line/
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What did the zero say to the number eight?

"Nice Belt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ehq2p/what_did_the_zero_say_to_the_number_eight/
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A man that is recently divorced is walking on a beach

The man then finds a lamp and he rubs it twice and a genie appears and he says
"You have three wishes but since you are recently divorced your ex-wife gets twice what you get."
The man says"That is great , for my first wish I was a trillion dollars."
The genie snaps his fingers and says "Okay, you now have a trillion dollars and your wife has two trillion dollars."
The man says "well, I want a mansion the size of the Taj Mahal"
The genie snaps his fingers and says "Okay, now you have a mansion the size of the Taj Mahal and you wife has two mansions the size of the Taj Mahal"
The man then says "Okay, for my third final wish, I want you to beat me half to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ehpzq/a_man_that_is_recently_divorced_is_walking_on_a/
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A friend recently asked me if i'd rather have an orgasm each time I hear All Star by Smash Mouth, or hear said song each time I have an orgasm.

I told them the choice is irrelevant as I already do both. Not even sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eho9b/a_friend_recently_asked_me_if_id_rather_have_an/
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The Irish Square testicals

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'
'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked    the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ehn0l/the_irish_square_testicals/
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eheey/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
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What do lesbian pirates say?

Arrr scissor me timbers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ehd1v/what_do_lesbian_pirates_say/
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What's red and hurts your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ehcqv/whats_red_and_hurts_your_teeth/
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A man is dating three women and is trying to decide which to marry. He gives each of them $5,000 to see what they do with the money.

The first has a total makeover. She goes to a fancy salon, gets hair, nails, and face done, and buys several new outfits. She tells him she has done this to be more attractive to him because she loves him so much.
The second buys the man a number of gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some accessories for his computer, and some expensive clothing. She tells him she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him she wants to invest in their future because she loves him so much.
Which one did he choose?
Answer:  The one with the largest ass.
(This joke is a modified version of one in the book “Plato and the Platypus Walk into a Bar...” by Cathcart & Klein. Very funny short read, especially for those of you who love philosophy.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ehbk0/a_man_is_dating_three_women_and_is_trying_to/
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A middle-aged man has a mid-life crisis, and, predictably, buys a Ferrari.

He goes for a drive, and decides he wants to see how fast he can get his new super car.
He drives out to the country, where he opens up the throttle. 100km/h. 150km/h. 200km/h! He is absolutely flying.
All of a sudden, he sees a cloud of dust coming up behind him. In seconds, the cloud of dust catches up to him, passes him. The man sees a flurry of legs and feathers, and realises that it is a chicken!
The chicken races off ahead of him, and the man follows suit. 200km/h! 250km/h! Suddenly, the chicken turns down a side road, and disappears.
The man slows down, turns around, and turns off down the same side road. Up ahead, he sees a farm, with hundreds of chickens, pecking around in the field. They all look a bit odd, and finally, the man realises that they all have three legs!
He finds the farmer, who is sitting on his porch. "Hey, did you see that chicken? It was running at over 200km/h!"
The farmer tells him that he has bred these new chickens to have three legs, because, as you all know, the best bit of the chicken is the drumstick. The farmer explains that if chickens had three drumsticks, they'd sell for more. However, a side-effect seems to have been that the third leg makes them run incredibly fast!
"So what do they taste like? These chickens with three legs?"
"I don't know. We haven't been able to catch one yet."
[Credit to my grandfather, the king of 'dad jokes'.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eh6k6/a_middleaged_man_has_a_midlife_crisis_and/
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Two guys are at a rooftop bar.

One guy says to the other “I bet you $100 I can jump off the roof and pop right back up.” The second guys says “yeah right, you’re on!” First guy walks over to the side, jumps off and then a couple seconds later, sure enough, here he comes back up onto the roof.
The second guy is both dumbstruck and angry as he gives up the $100. He fumes for a couple of minutes, then snaps “I bet you $100 you can’t do that again!!” First guy shrugs, walks over and jumps off the roof, and again, pops right back up. He sits back down and collects another $100.
A few tense minutes pass silently. He says “look, I can tell you’re upset over the money, so I’ll do you a favor. I bet you $200 that you can’t jump off the roof and come right back up.”
Second guy perks up and shouts “OK!” He runs to the edge and leaps off, plummeting to his death.
The bartender looks at the first guy and shakes his head. “Superman, why do you have to be such an asshole?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8egypn/two_guys_are_at_a_rooftop_bar/
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What did Socrates' dentist study?

Flossophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8egxur/what_did_socrates_dentist_study/
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Why don’t they need dress codes in Kentucky?

They already have the same genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8egskm/why_dont_they_need_dress_codes_in_kentucky/
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I asked my wife if she was cheating on me. She replied, "No, Eric. You think I would stoop that low?"

My name is Andrew...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8egs6q/i_asked_my_wife_if_she_was_cheating_on_me_she/
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I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

I shouted, "Fuck, seriously?! I was going to eat that later, but now it will just taste like carrots!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eglsb/i_walked_in_on_my_sister_last_night_masturbating/
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I weighed myself yesterday and I was weightless!

I was like 0mg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8egjrw/i_weighed_myself_yesterday_and_i_was_weightless/
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A guy comes home with a bouquet flowers for his wife.

*"I guess I'll have to spread my legs now"*, she says.
*"Why?"* He asks, *"don't you have a vase?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8egjg8/a_guy_comes_home_with_a_bouquet_flowers_for_his/
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Donkey balls

A farmer is out at the edge of his field, lounging in the morning sun next to his donkey when a man on a bike rides up and asks "excuse me, do you have correct time? My watch is wrong". The farmer reaches over to his donkey, lifts it's testicles for a moment then says "It's 25 past 9." The rider is taken aback, "are you sure?" He asked. The farmer simply nods curtly, giving another cursory glance to the donkey's pendulous balls. The rider adjusts his watch, hesitantly thanks the farmer and carries on.
Later on the farmer is having his lunch in the same spot and the same cyclist rides up from the other side. "hello again, can I trouble you for the time once more?". Once again the farmer leans over and lifts the donkeys plums and says "it's 10 past 12". The man confirms it with his watch to the minute. "That's amazing" he says, "how can you get such accurate time from checking a donkey's privates?". The farmer beckons the rider closer, and lifts the mule's sack once more and points at the now visible clock tower just over the hill...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8egiin/donkey_balls/
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Asked God what the most unlikely thing in the Universe was

He responded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eghdf/asked_god_what_the_most_unlikely_thing_in_the/
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Saving people from a burning building

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were caught in a burning building and rushed to the roof to get away from the smoke. Soon, they hear sirens of the fire truck approach and peer over the edge. They see a group of 4 firefighters get out and each grab a hold of a tarp to catch them in.
The brunette leans over the edge to look down and the firemen start shouting “Jump! Jump! Jump!”
So the brunette takes a deep breath and jumps off the roof. Just before the brunette lands on the tarp, the firemen move out of the way. *SPLAT*
The two women look over in horror and see what had happened. The firemen yell back up to the women “cmon jump! Jump! Jump!”
The redhead leans over and says “No way! You’re gonna move again!” The firemen reassure her they won’t, so she takes a deep breath then jumps.
Sure enough, the firemen move again and *SPLAT* the redhead hits the pavement.
The firemen again scream up for the blonde to jump. “Jump! Jump! Jump!” but the blonde knows better by now though.
“No way, this time put the tarp down and THEN I’ll jump.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8egfuo/saving_people_from_a_burning_building/
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A steak pun

is a rare medium well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8egdai/a_steak_pun/
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Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie

Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"
Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"
Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8egcpt/tom_hanks_leonardo_dicaprio_and_matthew/
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What was the best part of the janitor’s job cleaning toilets at the comedy club?

The shits and giggles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8egamw/what_was_the_best_part_of_the_janitors_job/
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Where does a deer go when it breaks the law?

Elkatraz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eg94i/where_does_a_deer_go_when_it_breaks_the_law/
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I took a math test.

It came up negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eg05f/i_took_a_math_test/
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A mommy mole, daddy mole, and baby mole are together in their burrow

Mommy mole sticks her head out and sniffs the air. She asks, "What's that smell? Is it brown sugar?"
Daddy mole sticks his head out to sniff around, "No I don't think so. Smells like vanilla to me."
The baby mole still in the burrow says "I don't know what you guys are talking about. All I can smell is molasses!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8efyws/a_mommy_mole_daddy_mole_and_baby_mole_are/
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My review of our solar system

1 Star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eft5i/my_review_of_our_solar_system/
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TGIF

I enter the elevator after a long day at work and  a very attractive Blonde woman sneaks if after me. I politely smile as she selects her floor.
She smiles back and says to me "TGIF!" to which I politely reply "S-H-I-T".
A very puzzled looks comes upon her face but she once again says "TGIF", to which I reply "S-H-I-T".
By this point she is quite stunned and while all flustered and confused and says "TGIF, Thank goodness it's Friday"
To which I say "Sorry Honey It's Thursday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8efqgb/tgif/
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God was having a conversation with a caterpillar...

God: then you become a butterfly!
Caterpillar: wow. the rest of my life as a butterfly!
God: yeah lol the "rest"
Caterpillar: how long
God: ...
Caterpillar: how long God

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8efp3i/god_was_having_a_conversation_with_a_caterpillar/
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like Grandpa.

Not yelling and screaming like the passengers of his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8efmgh/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_grandpa/
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The best tailor in town died.

He was given a fitting eulogy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eflpv/the_best_tailor_in_town_died/
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What do old men and old computers have in common?

Both have 3.5 inch floppies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8efj66/what_do_old_men_and_old_computers_have_in_common/
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What does it mean when life gives you melons?

You're dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8efikj/what_does_it_mean_when_life_gives_you_melons/
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What's the difference between a scientist and a magician?

One pulls rabbits out of hats and the other polls habits out of rats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8efi7a/whats_the_difference_between_a_scientist_and_a/
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If your parachute doesn’t open while skydiving, don’t worry!

You have the rest of your life to figure it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8efh3v/if_your_parachute_doesnt_open_while_skydiving/
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What kind of meat does a priest eat on Fridays?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8efgy3/what_kind_of_meat_does_a_priest_eat_on_fridays/
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My dream job is to be someone who creates mirrors

Because I can really see myself doing that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8efb16/my_dream_job_is_to_be_someone_who_creates_mirrors/
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Have you guys heard the one about the girl who went 1,3,5,7,9?

She couldn't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ef9lp/have_you_guys_heard_the_one_about_the_girl_who/
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If being a 23 year old Norwegian swimwear model has taught me anything

It’s that catfishing is surprisingly easy online

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ef26d/if_being_a_23_year_old_norwegian_swimwear_model/
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My brother is in the ER right now because of a bee sting that swelled his head,

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with a shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ef1ow/my_brother_is_in_the_er_right_now_because_of_a/
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James Earl Jones joins the U.S. Naval Academy.

Once there, he takes a Calculus II class notorious for its difficulty. Unlike his classmates, he isn't worried, but that all changes when he gets his first exam grade back.
"37%?! How did I do that badly?!" he asks his teacher, Admiral Smith.
"I suggest you study harder, cadet." he responds.
So he does. He spends an extra hour every day going over his notes and doing practice problems.
When he gets his second exam grade, he does even worse. "32%?! What gives?!"
"Instead of complaining, cadet," the Admiral retorts, "Why don't you try putting more effort in?"
Jones isn't sure what more he can do, but he tries. He joins study groups, talks to people who have taken the class before, and stretches himself to his wits' end.
His third exam grade is the worst yet, at 29%. Jones goes to the dean to see if he can get out of retaking the class.
"Well, it's a prerequisite for many other classes, so no," the dean says. "But I can place you with a different instructor next semester."
"That would be great, thank you."
Jones walks back to the classroom to deliver the news to his professor. "The bad news is that I still have to repeat the class next semester."
"And the good news."
"He agreed to place me with a different instructor. Which is to say...
You have failed me for the last time, Admiral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eeud1/james_earl_jones_joins_the_us_naval_academy/
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I gave my seat up to a blind man on the bus today...

I also lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eesro/i_gave_my_seat_up_to_a_blind_man_on_the_bus_today/
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Three Friends Goes On A Hunting Trip.

3 friends are on a hunting trip in the woods. After a successful day, they brought a buck back to their camp to field dress. They then proceed to get drunk and are having a all around good time. One of the hunters announces that he has to take a shit, so he shuffles off into the woods for privacy. Some time goes by and the other 2 start to wonder why he's taking so long. They start looking for him in the woods, and lo and behold, he is found sitting with his pants around his ankles on a log, his bare ass hanging off the side, totally passed out from drinking so much. Rather than wake their friend, they decided to play a joke on him. They left, and returned with a bucket of the guts from the buck they shot. They dump the guts under their friend's bare ass and leave.
The next morning, they awake to their friend walking stiffly out of the woods. They snicker and ask what happened to him, and if he had a good shit. He responds:"Well, I passed out mid-shit, and when I woke up I realized I had shit all of my guts out. But by the grace of god and the help of a big stick, I got i all back in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eemsf/three_friends_goes_on_a_hunting_trip/
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It was my first day of second grade...

...I was feeling particularly confident, as my mom helped me with my addition over the summer. I looked around the room and spotted a cute girl, and I made way across the classroom and started chatting her up. Then, out of nowhere, this big, buff kid shoved me to the ground, and started yelling at me, because I was hitting on his girlfriend. He started harassing me, and saying he had sex with my mom, so I ran at him and drop kicked him with all the strength I could muster. The kid fell down, and started crying, so I put my foot on his chest, and stood triumphantly above him as everyone looked at me. The nurse came rushing into the room seconds later and took the kid to her office.
It turns out that I’m never allowed to teach at that school ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eekuv/it_was_my_first_day_of_second_grade/
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How do you become a millionaire by working for an MLM?

Start off as a billionaire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eeiqz/how_do_you_become_a_millionaire_by_working_for_an/
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I laughed at an ugly person once

Then the mirror cracked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eegmh/i_laughed_at_an_ugly_person_once/
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What is 2000 pounds of Chinese soup?

Won ton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eedph/what_is_2000_pounds_of_chinese_soup/
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Research reveals stronger people have healthier brains - A study of nearly half a million people has revealed that muscular strength, measured by handgrip, is an indication of how healthy our brains are.

My fucking night time activities have finally made me a genius!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eeaex/research_reveals_stronger_people_have_healthier/
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If 7 equals C and 9 equals E. What does 8 equal?

8=D
hehe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ee64i/if_7_equals_c_and_9_equals_e_what_does_8_equal/
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A farmer had three bulls, One small, one medium, and one large.

The large one looks over the herd of cows and says, "Half these cows are mine!" The medium-sized bull then says, "A third of these cows are mine!" And the small bull, looking crestfallen, says, "Well, I am new here but some of these cows are mine too".
The farmer comes home one day with a simply enormous bull, one that towers over the original three. The largest one says, "Whoa... I guess I'll give him half my cows." The medium-sized one, with fear in his eyes, says, "He can have two-thirds of my cows." But the littlest bull paws at the ground, snorting and stomping, tossing his horns. The other two tell him, "Are you crazy? That new bull !"will crush you
The littlest bull replies, "I just want to make sure he knows I'm a bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ee1uj/a_farmer_had_three_bulls_one_small_one_medium_and/
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My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.
"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep one?"
The shepherd has hundreds of sheep and feels confident enough to agree.  The redhead looks over the flock and says, "361."  The shepherd is stunned that she guessed correctly but, being a man of his word, allows her to pick out her favorite.  The redhead is about to put her new pet in her car when the shepherd calls out to her.
"Hey Lady! If I can guess your real hair color, may I have my dog back?"
&nbsp;
My sister was not amused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8edspo/my_blonde_sister_hates_blonde_jokes_i_redhead/
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Dead Rabbit

So this actually was a story told by a friend of mine but I thought it would make a hilarious joke so here it goes:
So a man steps outside into his backyard to play with his dog, when the dog comes up to him with a dead bunny rabbit in its mouth. Realizing that his neighbor has a pet bunny, but not wanting to inform him that his dog has just killed it, he decides to sneak into their backyard and place the dead bunny back into its cage.
A few days later the man bumps into his neighbor and asks how he is doing, to which the neighbor replies "you will not believe what was done to us. Some asshole dug up our dead bunny and put him back in his cage"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eds5e/dead_rabbit/
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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic...

... I was in Daniel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8edqic/i_refused_to_believe_i_was_gay_and_dyslexic/
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What is the difference between a Texan and a redneck??

Texans ride bulls while rednecks ride relatives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8edbu6/what_is_the_difference_between_a_texan_and_a/
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Going to the prom.....

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8edajv/going_to_the_prom/
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My wife accused me of being addicted to drinking brake fluid.

I said "maybe, but I can stop whenever I want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8edaid/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_addicted_to_drinking/
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Why did Jesus cross the road?

He didn't, he rode the cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ed9rk/why_did_jesus_cross_the_road/
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A dear friend of mine got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear

I don't know whether it was the fact that she had them on at the time or if it was because the whole family was there, either way it made the rest of the funeral \*very\* awkward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ed8u2/a_dear_friend_of_mine_got_mad_at_me_for_smelling/
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I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple

Sorry, wrong thread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ed7ch/i_bought_pink_cotton_but_my_wife_wanted_purple/
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My dog ran away, and I made a bunch of flyers I need to post. I need your help r/jokes

I've been told no one reposts more than you guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ed43j/my_dog_ran_away_and_i_made_a_bunch_of_flyers_i/
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My grandmother recently called in to a contest on the radio.

The contest was giving away free skydiving lessons to the first caller.
My grandmother called in, and she was the first caller, so they gave her the papers for the free lessons.
She started the lessons a few days later. When the instructor opened the plane door and told her to jump off, my grandmother looked down to the ground, she started to regret taking the lessons. she said "Help, I've gotten up and I can't fall down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ed3gh/my_grandmother_recently_called_in_to_a_contest_on/
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A magician was working on a cruise ship..

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ed352/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship/
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Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?

Because everything is already 100% recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ecy6c/why_did_earth_day_not_affect_rjokes/
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How many peopledoes it take to change a lightbulb in Germany?

Just one Germans are very efficient and not very funny.
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in Poland?
Just one Germans are very efficient and not very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ecrbp/how_many_peopledoes_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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Two families make a bet on who can be more american

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, towel head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ecpld/two_families_make_a_bet_on_who_can_be_more/
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Diffrence between potential and reality

An 8 years old son asks his dad:
"Whats
the difference between 'Potential ' and 'reality?'
Dad turns to wife: "Would you sleep with
Barack Obama for $1 million?"
Wife: "Of course, I will never waste that opportunity."
Dad turns to daughter: "Would you sleep with Brat Pitt for $1 million?"
Daughter: Yes! He is my fantasy.
Dad turns to elder son: "Would u sleep with Tom Cruise for
$l million?"
Eldest son: "Why not? Imagine what I would do with that money."
Dad then turns to his youngest son: "You see son, 'Potentially ' we are living with 3 millionaires BUT in 'reality ' we are living with two prostitutes and one Gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ecncm/diffrence_between_potential_and_reality/
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A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

. Intrigued by his discovery, he proceeds to rub the lamp and before his very eyes, a genie appears.
"I have finally been released from my slumber and now I shall grant you three wishes in return. choose wisely!" The genie says.
The man considers his deepest desires and replies "Well firstly, I wish I was disgustingly wealthy. Secondly, I wish I had a gigantic house. And finally, I wish I had a beautiful brunette wife". The genie snaps his fingers and just like that, the man is teleported.
The man wakes up in a magnificent king-sized bed. His eyes stroll around the room  where he finds himself surrounded by countless exquisite antiquities and treasures by the likes of which he has never seen. Suddenly, a gorgeous brunette with a dreamy body and fancy clothes barges into the room and says "You better get up Franz, we need to be in Sarajevo by noon".
-A pretty cool german museum employee told me this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ecjv7/a_man_stumbles_upon_a_magic_lamp/
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A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?
She responds, "The Bastard used coins!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ecfj2/a_boss_said_to_his_secretary_i_want_to_have_sex/
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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, why not?"
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ecerw/a_husband_and_wife_are_sitting_quietly_in_bed/
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ec8qt/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
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A swear word confession.

A guy went to the church for a confession, he got there and started talking to the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I said fuck comcast"
Priest said that it's ok and to tell him what happened.
The guy said "well i was chatting online with this chick and she sent me her pic, she was gorgeous with big bosoms that were barely contained in her shirt"
Priest: Hmmm
Guy: So I asked her to do a video chat with me and she accepted and she was wearing a very sexy shirt.
Priest: Hmmm
Guy: We hit it off really well and within a few minutes she was really horny and saying a lot of hot stuff.
Priest: Hmmmmmmmm
Guy: I asked her to take her top off and she started dancing seductively while unbuttoning her shirt and just a second before she's fully topless my internet connection went down.
Priest: FUCK COMCAST.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ec7xr/a_swear_word_confession/
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The situation down south is too much

People unhappy, wanting to leave their country and come over to ours like they're entitled to it, corrupt law forces and an all around mess. As a Canadian this is too much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ec6ms/the_situation_down_south_is_too_much/
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A man touched a bare wire to see what would happen. What happened next shocked him.

He remained unharmed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ec5wc/a_man_touched_a_bare_wire_to_see_what_would/
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You know what really takes guts?

Digestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ec3gr/you_know_what_really_takes_guts/
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Why do German subreddits have the most efficient moderators?

Because they have an Autobahn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebz20/why_do_german_subreddits_have_the_most_efficient/
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I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebx8c/i_used_to_sell_security_alarms_door_to_door_and_i/
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A man sits alone at a table... [Long]

At a restaurant, a very shy man is sitting alone at a table. He looks to his left, and his eyes fall upon an attractive young woman sitting alone at the next table. He has never really had the nerve to talk to women, and attempts to build up his courage for the next 20 minutes as he sits there waiting for his food.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air. Instead of being weirded out, the man is overjoyed because now he finally has a chance to go talk to her. He walks over to her table and hands her eye back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods, secretly overjoyed at the fact she is talking to him.
They end up talking the entire night, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebwmw/a_man_sits_alone_at_a_table_long/
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I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone.

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebwbt/i_was_up_all_night_wondering_where_the_sun_had/
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Why does Japan enforce strict BMI regulations at work?

They all remember what the first fat man did to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebv0d/why_does_japan_enforce_strict_bmi_regulations_at/
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My wife and I can’t agree.. she wants a kid of each gender.

But I only want two kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebust/my_wife_and_i_cant_agree_she_wants_a_kid_of_each/
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Athlete's foot is not that great...

but it's growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebtzr/athletes_foot_is_not_that_great/
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What do you call a communist sniper?

A marx-man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebsqa/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
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An elderly couple are lying in bed on the night before Thanksgiving...

....and, as per usual, the husband lets out a huge fart. The wife says to him, as she always does, "Hunny, one of these nights you're going to fart your innards out." A few minutes later the husband falls asleep but, due to his constant farting, the wife cannot. She tosses and turns and ends up getting a terrible night's sleep. Since she can't really sleep, the wife gets up early on Thanksgiving morning to prepare for the day ahead. She then decides to play a little joke on the husband and collects all of the innards of the turkey, quietly brings them up to the bedroom, and gently places them on the bed by the sleeping husband's ass. About 20 minutes go by and, from the kitchen, the wife hears the husband screaming, "OH MY GOD!!! HUNNY COME QUICK!!!" The wife, trying to hold back her laughter, says, "What's wrong? What's all the commotion about?" The husband replies, "You know what? You were right. It finally happened. I farted my goddamn innards out!!!" The wife, with a straight face, asks her husband, "Really?"
The husband says, "Yes really, but it's okay." The wife asks, "What do you mean it's okay?" to which the husband replies, "Yea it's okay. By the grace of god and these two fingers, I got'em all back in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebqcb/an_elderly_couple_are_lying_in_bed_on_the_night/
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An old farming couple are lying in bed.

An old married couple who own a farm are lying in bed one night.
The old man starts playing with his wife's breasts and says, "Just think, honey. If you had any milk in these we could get rid of the cows."
Soon he works his way to her downstairs and starts touching her and says, "Just think, honey. If you had any eggs in here we could get rid of the chickens."
Hearing this, the wife starts playing with his pecker and says, "Just think, honey, if you could get this thing hard we could get rid of your brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eblu5/an_old_farming_couple_are_lying_in_bed/
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I went to my ear doctor

I payed $200 and he didn’t say a thing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eblqy/i_went_to_my_ear_doctor/
%
My girlfriend left stains on the toilet bowl.

I thought she'd be easier to flush than that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eblh6/my_girlfriend_left_stains_on_the_toilet_bowl/
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A boy was outside trying to sell his lawnmower...

... a preacher rides along in this bike and sees the kid selling the lawnmower. He decides to ask the boys how much he wants for it.
"Well sir, what I really want is a new bike", says the boy.
The preacher thinks on it and asks him if he would be willing to trade the lawnmower for the bike he was riding. The boy tells him he will need to ride it around first to see if he likes it. The preacher agrees and off the boy goes. He comes back and tells the preacher that the bike was acceptable and that he had a deal. The preacher pushes his new lawnmower a couple houses down and decides to start it. He pulls and pulls, but cannot get it started. The boys sees him struggling and rides over to him.
"What's the matter sir?", says the boy.
"I can't seem to get it started!"
"Yes sir, this here is a cussing lawnmower. You will need to cuss in order to get it started.", the boy replies.
"Cussing lawnmower? Oh no son. I am a preacher, a man of God. I haven't cussed in decades and it's been so long since I have cussed that I don't even remember what the words are."
"Well preacher man, you keep yanking on that rope long enough and they'll come back to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebl14/a_boy_was_outside_trying_to_sell_his_lawnmower/
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What's the difference between my car and my girlfriend?

My car isn't 10 years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebjzh/whats_the_difference_between_my_car_and_my/
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I came, I saw, I died

or as we say in Latin:
Veni, Vidi, Avicii.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebebm/i_came_i_saw_i_died/
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This Earth Day I decided I would become more environmentally concious

So I'm starting to recycle jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebcak/this_earth_day_i_decided_i_would_become_more/
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No matter how kind you are

German kids are kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebbtd/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
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How do you get two whales in a car?

Start in England and drive west.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ebb50/how_do_you_get_two_whales_in_a_car/
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When you finally find someone as weird as you

Oh wait that’s a mirror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eb9r5/when_you_finally_find_someone_as_weird_as_you/
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Found a weird .exe file on your computer? Beware!

Could be a set up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eb7ff/found_a_weird_exe_file_on_your_computer_beware/
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TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eb703/til_type_o_blood_was_actually_meant_to_be_type/
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I studied 10 pages of a dictionary

I learnt next to nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eb6rb/i_studied_10_pages_of_a_dictionary/
%
What is the stickiest thing in the world?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eb5pi/what_is_the_stickiest_thing_in_the_world/
%
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eb39o/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eb1xj/the_maid_asked_her_boss_the_wife_for_a_raise_and/
%
Jesus walks into a bar.

And ordered water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eb1bn/jesus_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A blond is starting in 2nd grade

On the first day she comes home to her mother and eagerly yells: "Mom! Mom! Today we had English and I knew more words and could spell better than any other kid! Is it because I am a blonde?"
"No, honey", said the mother, "It is simply because you are smarter and more knowledgeable than the other kids."
The next day she comes home and screams  "Mom! Mom! Today we had Math and I was the only one who was able to do multiplication and division!! Is it because I am a blonde?"
"No, honey", said the mother, "It is simply because are more brilliant and intelligent than the rest of your class."
On the third day she returned from school shouting "Mom! Mom! Today we had PE and I was the only girl to wear a bra! Is it because I am a blonde?"
"No, honey", said the mother, "It is simply because you are 27 years old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eax8i/a_blond_is_starting_in_2nd_grade/
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Desert Island

A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island.  After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Cindy Crawford. They build a lean-to and find some food and water.  After a few weeks, it becomes clear that help is not on the way, so they start to get intimate.  The guy is clearly ecstatic for a couple of weeks, but one morning she awakes to find him moping under a tree. "What's the matter?" Cindy says: "Is there anything I can do?" "Well, I am a little shy about asking you," he replies: "But could you take some of that charcoal from the fire and paint a mustache on your face?" "A mustache? Well... I... I suppose so", and she does it. "Now, there's just one other thing. Can I call you Bob... like my friend?" "Bob? Well... if it will make you feel better... all right." "Great!" he cries, looks at her and says: "Bob! You're never gonna believe who I'm fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eaudt/desert_island/
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“Onestone”

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
And the important moral of this story? You can't kill two birds with one stone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8earuf/onestone/
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I stole a walking pole from a blind man earlier...

He wasn't looking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eaq1w/i_stole_a_walking_pole_from_a_blind_man_earlier/
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Talking Frog.

A 70 year old retired Military officer  had one hobby - he loved to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ''Pick me up. '
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The retd officer said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'
The retired offr looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah. I'd rather like have a talking frog than a nagging wife..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eaq0a/talking_frog/
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I got fired from my job at the helium factory...

Because I refuse to be spoken to in that tone. I have always wanted a job in a mirror factory. It's a job I could see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eaoaa/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_helium_factory/
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Doctor, Something is wrong with my body...

Man : Doctor, something is wrong with my body ! I eat carrots, I shit carrots ! I eat potatoes, I shit potatoes ! I eat chicken, I shit chicken ! Doc ! Help me ! What can I do ??!
Doctor : well, eat shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eao56/doctor_something_is_wrong_with_my_body/
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If i had 5 euros for evey gender....

i would have 10 euros and alot of counterfeit money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eao1p/if_i_had_5_euros_for_evey_gender/
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"God gave men a penis and a brain,

but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eamgy/god_gave_men_a_penis_and_a_brain/
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A Guy Proposing To His GF...

She interrupted him and said: but I have one flaw you should be aware of: I fart alot! Like a lot!
He giggled and said it's alright I have a problem with my nose too, I can't smell that well.
After three days of them living together ,
The guy is opening the windows of the apartment,
And the wife is crying and shouting YOU LIED TO ME, YOU CAN SMELL!,
The guy responded: no I didn't but it is getting hard to walk around here! my eyes are burning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eakde/a_guy_proposing_to_his_gf/
%
What is Mario's favourite drink?

7 Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eaizh/what_is_marios_favourite_drink/
%
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter asked me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I guffawed, “Why would I want two empty glasses!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eah0k/we_were_eating_dinner_tonight_when_my_daughter/
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A boy says to his dad 'I'm considering a career in organised crime'

His dad responds with 'Government or private sector?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eag6z/a_boy_says_to_his_dad_im_considering_a_career_in/
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What do you call an emo strip club?

Suicidal Thots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eag2k/what_do_you_call_an_emo_strip_club/
%
I will never forget my grandpa's last words

'Stop shaking the ladder you idiot'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8eaeoa/i_will_never_forget_my_grandpas_last_words/
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How do you circumcise a whale ?

Four skin divers of course

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ea99u/how_do_you_circumcise_a_whale/
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What do you call a lactose intolerant Mexican bodybuilder.

No whey Jose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ea77c/what_do_you_call_a_lactose_intolerant_mexican/
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Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur and Carbon?

cuz you're **Au**__Ti__**S**__Ti__**C**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ea2pw/are_you_made_of_gold_titanium_sulfur_and_carbon/
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Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ea263/do_not_shampoo_in_the_shower/
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An atheist was taking a walk...

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.
He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ea0sa/an_atheist_was_taking_a_walk/
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A Shark and his Son

A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers.
The young shark says to his father, " let's go eat them".
The father tells his son, " this is not the way of sharks.  First we swim around them three times, then we eat them"
The son asks, " why do we swim around them three times first."
The father retorts "Because humans taste alot better without the shit in them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e9vgd/a_shark_and_his_son/
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Crap dad jokes are the best.

Went to a yoga instructor to ask about getting some lessons.
He said "are you flexible?"
I reply "well I can't do Tuesdays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e9v2o/crap_dad_jokes_are_the_best/
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A Baked Bean lover

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e9r4q/a_baked_bean_lover/
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A man went to an assassin

who charged $10,000 per bullet. He suspected his wife was cheating on him and wanted to have her killed. He told the assassin he would pay $20,000 if he shot his wife in the head and shot the cheating man's dick off. They go to the building across the street from the man's house and the assassin gets prepped. Sure enough the cheating man and the wife meet and start getting undressed. The man tells the assassin to take the shot. The assassin tells him to wait. He waits but soon the cheating man and the wife start to go into the bedroom. The man tells him to take the shot. The assassin says wait a little bit longer, I think I might be able to save you $10,000.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e9qv7/a_man_went_to_an_assassin/
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What do you call a really poor soldier?

Cadebt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e9p35/what_do_you_call_a_really_poor_soldier/
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When I saw my midget neighbor waiting for the bus...........

I went over by him, and told him that he didn't have to take the bus, hop on in, and I'd gladly take him anywhere he needed to go. He then looked at me , and with an attitude,  he told me to go fuck my self!!!!
What an ungrateful prick, I thought.
So I zipped up my backpack and kept walking!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e9nm3/when_i_saw_my_midget_neighbor_waiting_for_the_bus/
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Difference of Rich & Poor!

A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their girlfriends.
"What are you getting your girlfriend?" asks the poor man.
And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."
"Why both?" asks the poor man.
And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Mercedes when she returns the ring.
And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your girlfriend?"
And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e9m0u/difference_of_rich_poor/
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eat dirt...

When I was a girl I had a disease that required me to eat dirt four times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older sister told me about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e9jw8/eat_dirt/
%
Do you run?

Yes. Out of patience, fucks and money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e9j4x/do_you_run/
%
I am a dyslexic,atheist and insomniac..

I stay up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e9f9v/i_am_a_dyslexicatheist_and_insomniac/
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Much like cows eating marijuana.

The steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e9dmt/much_like_cows_eating_marijuana/
%
Where can you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e9cxo/where_can_you_weigh_a_pie/
%
I think my colleagues are gays!

Every time I walk pass them, I can hear them mumble
"What an ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e9bak/i_think_my_colleagues_are_gays/
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Studies have shown that a deer can jump higher than an average house.

This is because deer are agile animals and also due to the fact that a house cannot jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e98rv/studies_have_shown_that_a_deer_can_jump_higher/
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I dropped a duck egg on the floor...

It quacked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e95we/i_dropped_a_duck_egg_on_the_floor/
%
A limbo champion walks into a bar...

He is disqualified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e94rg/a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
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From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e8ykb/from_my_9_year_old_niecewhat_is_it_called_when_a/
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Oops

To guys are sitting on a plane, making small talk. One guy says, “Oh man...I really embarrassed myself earlier.”
Other guy says, “How’s that?”
“Well, I was at the counter to buy a ticket, and the agent had an amazing body.  I meant to say, “I’d like a ticket to Pittsburg.”  But it came out, ‘I’d like a picket to Titsburg.’”
Other guy says, “That’s called a Freudian slip.  Your real thoughts overpower what you intend to say.”
First guy says, “Has it ever happened to you?”
Other guy says, “Oh sure!  Just this morning my wife and I were having breakfast, and I meant to say,’Honey would you pass the orange juice?’ “.
“But what came out was, ‘YOU STUPID BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e8vnq/oops/
%
What's Yogi Bear's favorite ice cream?

Basket Robbins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e8vfl/whats_yogi_bears_favorite_ice_cream/
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Up North Bear Removers

A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find
a bear on his roof He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure
enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers"
He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd
be over within an hour.
The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder,
a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily
scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do.?" the homeowner asked.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going
to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball
bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab
his testicles, and not let qo. The bear will then be subdued enough
for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.
He then handed the shotqun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e8tu7/up_north_bear_removers/
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George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.

This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally, it stopped.
George thought to himself, "Oh no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."
He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
The bird said, "I'm sorry for my behavior and will never act up again.
George said, "Why the change?"
The bird answered, "Because I saw what you did to the other bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e8o99/george_was_taking_care_of_a_parrot_for_his_aunt/
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Ribbed condoms are misleading

They don’t even taste like ribs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e8h5y/ribbed_condoms_are_misleading/
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Doggone it.

Little Jamie asked her dad, “Daddy?  Can I please, please take our doggie for a walk around the block?”
Dad thought for a moment.  Their dog was “in heat” and he really didn’t want to let her out of the yard.  Any male dog would pick up the scent.  But Jamie was being so sweet.
“Um...ok honey, but before you go, let me take care of something.”
So they went to the garage where dad got a rag, put some lawnmower gas on it, and rubbed the dog’s ass with the rag.
“What are you doing, Daddy?”, said Jamie.
Oh...I’m...I’m just giving her a little gas for your walk!”, says Dad.
So off she goes with the dog.
A little while later, Jamie walks in holding the empty leash.
“Honey?  Where’s the dog?”, says dad.
“Well, she ran out of gas on the next block.  But it’s ok.  A German Shepherd’s pushing her home!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e8g4q/doggone_it/
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I’m afraid of stairs

They’re always up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e8cbz/im_afraid_of_stairs/
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A mathematician and a physicist are given no food for 24 hours as a part of a psychology experiment.

After the 24 hours, both of them are placed on one end of a room, with a steaming plate of food on the other side.
The psychologist explains, “Every five minutes, you will be moved halfway across the room, until you reach the food.”
The mathematician is furious and says, “This is ridiculous! You know I’ll never reach the food!” and he promptly left the room.
However, the physicist starts salivating. The psychologist is confused and ask the physicist, “Why won’t you leave? Don’t you know that you’ll never reach the food?”, to which the physicist replies, “Of course I know, but I’ll get close enough for all practical purposes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e88z5/a_mathematician_and_a_physicist_are_given_no_food/
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What is DJ Khalid’s favorite number?

11, because it has another 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e87wp/what_is_dj_khalids_favorite_number/
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What does a little sister ride?

A Niisan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e86dq/what_does_a_little_sister_ride/
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A woman is sleeping with a lawyer and a doctor

Everyday the doctor gives the woman a rose, and everyday the lawyer gives the woman an apple.
The woman says to the lawyer "The rose has meaning to it and is symbolic of love, so why do you give me an apple each day which has no meaning?".
To which the lawyer replies "an apple a day keeps the doctor away".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7ztx/a_woman_is_sleeping_with_a_lawyer_and_a_doctor/
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My wife said I was too big for anal...

She forgot to flush the toilet the other day so that myth is busted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7wqg/my_wife_said_i_was_too_big_for_anal/
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my friend finally asked me what makes Chrono Trigger so cool

I said, "it's about time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7tb9/my_friend_finally_asked_me_what_makes_chrono/
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Are you my depression?

Because you stick around when I don't want you here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7qel/are_you_my_depression/
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My brother's friend suspiciously flaked on lunch citing bad constipation. He asked me for my thoughts on it.

I told him his friend is full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7ovr/my_brothers_friend_suspiciously_flaked_on_lunch/
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Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.
The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"
The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"
The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as hard as we can!  Our air will flip the boat and all the men will fall in the water and drown!"
Second whale says "Okay, lets do it".
So they get their lungs full, they dive down beneath the boats hidden from the whalers.  They blow as hard as they can and flip the boat with literal ease.
The whales swim back and watch as the men struggle to survive.
The first whale looks to the second and says "Man, they really aren't drowning like I wanted them to, we've got to do something!"
Second whale says, "Okay, what would you like to do?"
First whale says, "Lets eat them!"
Second whale stops him and says "Whoa, whoa, whoa, I agreed to the blow job, but i'm not swallowing the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7od8/two_whales_seek_revenge/
%
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a rocket scientist..

Nowadays, I just sell weed.
It's not too far off, though. I still get people very high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7mh9/when_i_was_a_kid_i_wanted_to_be_a_rocket_scientist/
%
So what is the best part about living in Switzerland?

Well... the flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7jt4/so_what_is_the_best_part_about_living_in/
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A Muslim Couple decided to spend their day at the zoo.

They stopped at the Gorilla enclosure.
The Girlfriend then said, "The baby gorilla is soooo cute, I want to kiss it"
The Boyfriend then said. "No! That is Haram bae!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7j6u/a_muslim_couple_decided_to_spend_their_day_at_the/
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What did the cytosine say to the tyrosine that was bullying him?

You’re amino acid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7i2a/what_did_the_cytosine_say_to_the_tyrosine_that/
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An attorney arrived home late,

after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'... She went on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7h85/an_attorney_arrived_home_late/
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How did Chef Gordon Ramsay lose 100 pounds in under a month?

He started a swear jar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7gp8/how_did_chef_gordon_ramsay_lose_100_pounds_in/
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How To Ask for A Raise

EMPLOYEE:  Excuse me, sir, may I talk with you?
BOSS:  Sure, come on in.  What can I do for you?
EMPLOYEE:  Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over 10 years.
BOSS:  Yes...
EMPLOYEE:  I won’t beat around the bush, sir.  I would like a raise.  I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
BOSS:  A raise?  I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
EMPLOYEE:  I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales.  However, you should also take into consideration my hard work, attention to detail, and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
BOSS:  Well, I don't want us to lose a great employee.  How about I  offer you a 10% raise and an extra five days of vacation time?  How does that sound?
EMPLOYEE:  Great!! It’s a deal. Thank you, sir!
BOSS:  Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?
EMPLOYEE:  Oh, the Electric Company, the Gas Company, the Water Company, and the Mortgage Company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7fnu/how_to_ask_for_a_raise/
%
What is brown and rhymes with “snoop”?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7cs4/what_is_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
I tried to kill a vampire but failed

My missed stake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e79yf/i_tried_to_kill_a_vampire_but_failed/
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What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e77wn/what_do_you_call_a_boat_full_of_penises_and/
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Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e77s3/dad_is_listening_to_his_daughter_say_her_prayers/
%
9/11 jokes aren’t funny.

The other two are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7496/911_jokes_arent_funny/
%
A teacher calls her first grade class in

from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy.
"Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!"
"Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e747b/a_teacher_calls_her_first_grade_class_in/
%
Why are so many chemists addicted to alcohol?

Because they are sure alcohol is a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e7449/why_are_so_many_chemists_addicted_to_alcohol/
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The duck and the chicken

So a duck is contemplating whether or not to cross the road, then a chicken walks up to him and tells him
"Don't do it man" the chicken said, "You'll never hear the end of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e70e2/the_duck_and_the_chicken/
%
What does Mars smell like?

Nothing really, but it does have a bit of an Elon Musk to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e702r/what_does_mars_smell_like/
%
What do you call an indecisive reptilian?

A Dinosorta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e6y6z/what_do_you_call_an_indecisive_reptilian/
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A father and teenage son are on a cross-country long haul...

A father and teenage son are on a cross-country long haul for the fathers work. After driving a few hours and it being the middle of the night, the father finds himself a little sleepy at the wheel. He whistles out loud and out from the back a monkey jumps out and starts giving the father a blowjob. After a few minutes and the father nearing completion, he slaps the monkey on the back of the head. Instantly, the monkey jumps to the back of the cab and leaves the father and son up front. The son is wide eyed but doesn't say a word. After a few more hours of driving the father finds himself tired yet again, so he whistles and the monkey returns to the front to do the business. Again, nearing completion, the father slaps the monkey on the back of the head and he instantly returns to the back. This time, the son is looking more interested in the whole ordeal, and the father can see it in his eyes. The father turns to the son and asks, "would you like to give it a try?" The son replies, "of course, but don't slap me on the back of the head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e6u50/a_father_and_teenage_son_are_on_a_crosscountry/
%
As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. German engineering is flawless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e6qf4/as_a_german_you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
%
Probably has been said before but...

They say you can't polish a turd. That's false, its just really shitty work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e6npw/probably_has_been_said_before_but/
%
19 and 20 had a fight...

21.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e6gl9/19_and_20_had_a_fight/
%
Chipotle is the best place to do drugs

Because no one questions if you spend a lot time in the bathroom, and come out looking terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e6fg9/chipotle_is_the_best_place_to_do_drugs/
%
There’s a hole in the women’s bathroom wall at the police station

The detectives are looking into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e6dv8/theres_a_hole_in_the_womens_bathroom_wall_at_the/
%
You heard the one about butter?

I can’t tell you, you might spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e6b8r/you_heard_the_one_about_butter/
%
My dad was babysitting my two children, so I called him later to ask how it was going.

Me: "What did they have for dinner?"
Dad: "Which one? Charlie or Clark?"
Me: "Charlie"
Dad: "Spaghetti"
Me: "What about Clark?"
Dad: "Spaghetti"
Me: "Ok ... So what time did they go to bed?"
Dad: "Which one? Charlie or Clark?"
Me: "Charlie"
Dad: "7:30"
Me: "And Clark dad?"
Dad: "Also 7:30"
Me: "If the answers are the same, why are you telling me them separately?"
Dad: "Well, I was the one looking after Charlie".
Me: "oh, who was looking after Clark then?"
Dad: "Me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e6b4f/my_dad_was_babysitting_my_two_children_so_i/
%
The Lamp

- Hey, why's that lamp over your head turned off?
- I have no idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e67dv/the_lamp/
%
beer, mirror, and condom argument

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: ...Hold my beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e65u5/beer_mirror_and_condom_argument/
%
Two men were talking by the water cooler...

One of them says to the other: You know the secretary? I took her to my house yesterday and we were up at it all night. I think she's better then my wife.
The next day the other man goes and says: You know what, you were right. She is better than your wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e5vuu/two_men_were_talking_by_the_water_cooler/
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I feel bad for my mail man and hope he finds a boyfriend soon

He doesn't seem too picky or anything, he's just looking for any outgoing male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e5oxt/i_feel_bad_for_my_mail_man_and_hope_he_finds_a/
%
What do you call a landmass that looks like a cock?

A penis-ula.
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e5mpb/what_do_you_call_a_landmass_that_looks_like_a_cock/
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The Christian Horse (long)

A man who owned a farm was looking to buy a horse. Wanting to get one for relatively cheap, the man began looking on Craigslist, and soon found a really inexpensive horse only a few miles away from him.
When he arrived, he was astonished by the horse. It looked noble and strong, like out of a story book. He was in awe about how a horse like this could be so cheap.
He asked the owner why the horse was so cheap. The owner said, "Well, we're a Christian family. We don't want to charge too much for this horse to get a nice home." He continued, saying "There is one thing, however. This horse 'operates' a little different than most. To get this horse to move, you need to say "Praise the Lord!" To get the horse to come to a halt, you need to say "Amen!"
The man gladly took the horse home, and went to ride it.
"Now what were those words?" Said the man.
"Hallelujah!" Nothing. The horse didn't move.
"Peace to all good men!" Nothing.
"Praise the Lord!" The horse immediately dashed, going incredibly fast. The man had to nearly hold on for dear life. He was having the time of his life.
He rode the horse for a while, through valleys and up to a mountain. As they approached the top of the mountain, however, the man realized he couldn't get the horse to stop. They were dangerously approaching the edge.
"Uh-oh, what were those words?" Said the man.
"Hallelujah!" Yelled the man, yet the horse kept galloping.
"Glory to all!" Nothing. The cliff appeared only meters away.
Finally, he remembered, at the last second.
"Amen!" The horse stopped.
The man was so thankful to have remembered the words, and in a sigh of relief, said "Praise the Lord!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e5i5e/the_christian_horse_long/
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I used to work at a bar that had 3 entrances

One night a really drunk guy comes stumbling in the first entrance. He comes up to me and tries to order a drink
I say “sir I’m sorry but you’re really drunk and I can’t serve you; I’m gonna need you to leave.”
He leaves then I see him come in the 2nd entrance.
I walk up to him again and tell him he’s to drunk and needs to leave.
He walks out and then I see him walk in the 3rd entrance and walks right up to me and tries to order a drink again.
Finally I’m fed up and say “dude if you don’t leave I’m going to call the cops!”
He looks at me and says
“Man I don’t want any trouble but how many fucking bars do you work at?!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e5hsy/i_used_to_work_at_a_bar_that_had_3_entrances/
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They find two 5-year olds, an optimist and a pessimist, and decide to do an experiment

They put the pessimist in a room full of the latest toys and gadgets, and tell him he can do whatever he wants. Then they close the door. They put the optimist in a room full of horse manure and tell him he has to stay there. Then they close the door.
After an hour they open the door on the pessimist, and the poor boy is rolled up in a fetal position, eyes red from tears. They ask him, "Why are you crying? You have everything here."
The boy says, "I just know I'm gonna break these, and then you'll get mad at me," and he starts bawling some more.
Then they open the door on the optimist, and the boy is covered in manure, digging away with his bare hands, grinning from ear to ear. They ask him, "What are you so happy about?"
The boy just smiled and said, "With all this horsepoo there's gotta be a pony in here somewhere!"
(My dad told this joke at his best friend's funeral. True story. Keep looking for that pony, friends...)
Edit - spelling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e5hm7/they_find_two_5year_olds_an_optimist_and_a/
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First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e5g5r/first_stephen_hawking_now_avicii/
%
Three men are standing at the pearly gates.

Jesus says, "Congratulations, you've all made it to heaven. However, God decided to replace the stairway to heaven with a 100-mile highway. How loyal you were to your spouse in your life decides the quality of the vehicle you get."
The first man walks up to Jesus. He says, "I was completely loyal to my spouse all my life. Never even kissed another woman." Jesus smiles, and a brand new sparkling Ferrari appears. The man, thrilled, hops in, and starts driving to Heaven.
The second man walks up to Jesus. "I was a good husband. However, one night, I was drunk and made out with another woman. Besides that, I was always loyal." Jesus waves his hand and a new Honda Civic appears. The man gets in and happily drives away.
The third man walks up to Jesus. "I tried to be a good husband. However, one night, we had gotten in a big fight and I had sex with another woman. I never told my wife and I always regretted it." Jesus waves his arm, and an old, beat-up truck appears. The man isn't happy, but realizes it's fair and drives toward heaven.
Later, the man is driving down the highway and passes the man with the ferrari crying on the side of the road next to his car. Suprised, the man pulls over next to him. "Why are you crying? You have a Ferrari!" He replies, "I know. I just passed my wife, and she was on a scooter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e5e04/three_men_are_standing_at_the_pearly_gates/
%
What kind of beer do rabbits drink?

Doesn't matter as long as it's hoppy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e5azh/what_kind_of_beer_do_rabbits_drink/
%
"A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'

The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK, you're ugly as well.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e56uf/a_woman_told_her_doctor_ive_got_a_bad_back/
%
God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e55v4/god_and_satan_were_having_an_argument_one_day/
%
What's the difference between Daniel Day Lewis and a Mexican Salamander?

One acts a little, one acts a lottle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e54ev/whats_the_difference_between_daniel_day_lewis_and/
%
I’m skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I’m sure it woodwork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e53sh/im_skeptical_about_hiring_a_carpenter_to_make_my/
%
The Soviet Army is marching in Finland...

They hear a voice from the other side of a hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers!" The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers!" The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and says to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e51m6/the_soviet_army_is_marching_in_finland/
%
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life...

unless I buy something."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e51eu/i_have_enough_money_to_last_me_the_rest_of_my_life/
%
Why isn't "dark" spelled a "c", instead of a "k"

Because you can't see in the dark.
You've all been wonderful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e50ar/why_isnt_dark_spelled_a_c_instead_of_a_k/
%
A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.

- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4z9d/a_french_monk_wrote_a_manifesto_stating_that/
%
"My father always used to say, 'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.'

Until the accident."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4ydx/my_father_always_used_to_say_what_doesnt_kill_you/
%
I just bought a new dictionary at my local book store, but when I got home the pages were blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4xvp/i_just_bought_a_new_dictionary_at_my_local_book/
%
Jokes are like people.

The shorter they are, the more people laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4wrd/jokes_are_like_people/
%
Ghandi spent a lot of time fasting in his life, which made him thin and frail. He chose not to wear shoes often, so when he walked, he toughened up his feet. Rarely did he brush his teeth.

That makes him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4vte/ghandi_spent_a_lot_of_time_fasting_in_his_life/
%
Smart boss!

A boss had a really hot secretary that he wanted to sleep with so one day he told her he'd give her $2000 if she sleeps with him, she's like "no way, i'm not a prostitute", he told her he'd "accidentally" throw the money on the ground and while she's bending over to pick them up he'd have sex with her, that way she won't feel he's giving them to her in exchange for sex, she still said no.
Later she got back home and told her roommate what happened, the roommate told her "you should accept the offer, collect the money quickly and he won't even have enough time to get erect let alone have sex with you", she was convinced and got back to work.
A few hours pass and the secretary returned barely able to walk, her roommate asked her what happened, she said "the bastard threw the money one dollar at a time".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4tda/smart_boss/
%
How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4sfh/how_many_theoretical_physicists_specializing_in/
%
My dalmatian got away from me and ran through a car wash.

Now he's spotless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4sdi/my_dalmatian_got_away_from_me_and_ran_through_a/
%
How can a table become a tale?

Only if one Believes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4sd0/how_can_a_table_become_a_tale/
%
How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Want to go ride bicycles?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4s16/how_many_add_kids_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?

*sigh* I used to love tractors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4qmh/do_you_want_to_hear_my_impression_of_an_extractor/
%
Did you hear about the Muslim woman who did drugs?

She got stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4nf1/did_you_hear_about_the_muslim_woman_who_did_drugs/
%
What do you do when your dog keeps on chasing people on a bike?

You take away his bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4m1b/what_do_you_do_when_your_dog_keeps_on_chasing/
%
I once saw someone pouring water on their phone.

All I could think was water pour decision it was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4kan/i_once_saw_someone_pouring_water_on_their_phone/
%
My friends always laughed at me when I told them that I want to become a comedian when I grow up....

Well, no one's laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4irb/my_friends_always_laughed_at_me_when_i_told_them/
%
Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:

It worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4inn/proof_that_911_wasnt_a_government_plot/
%
I farted in the Apple Store today and everybody stared at me.

It's not my fault they don't have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4hog/i_farted_in_the_apple_store_today_and_everybody/
%
What is an English teacher's favorite dinosaur?

Thesaurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4fig/what_is_an_english_teachers_favorite_dinosaur/
%
Iron Man is a superhero

Iron woman is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e4f72/iron_man_is_a_superhero/
%
An old blind cowboy is making his way to the bar...

Using his cane he feels his way down the street: tap tap tap. He feels his way to the door: tap tap tap. He feels his way inside to the bar: tap tap tap. He feels his way to a stool: tap tap tap.
The gruff old cowboy makes himself comfortable, and upon settling in, asks to the other patrons at the bar, “Who wants to hear a Blonde joke?”
The bartender, a butch, rough and tough woman, walks over to confront the cowboy and says, “Sir, I am inclined to excuse you, because I can see that you’re blind, but I must enlighten you to the fact that you have walked into a women only bar.”
The cowboy grunts heavily and then repeats his query, “Anybody want to hear a blonde joke?”
The bartender calmly continues explaining to the cowboy his current predicament:
“Sir, I’m the bartender, I’m 240 pounds, and I’m holding a shotgun. Plus I’m blonde. On you’re left is another woman, an ex marine, and she’s a blonde too. On you’re right is a women that used to be a professional wrestler, and she’s blonde. Now, sir, are you sure you still want to tell that joke?”
The cowboy grunts again and says, “Oh, well in that case I suppose not. I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e472b/an_old_blind_cowboy_is_making_his_way_to_the_bar/
%
What's blue and not very heavy?

Light Blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e40vc/whats_blue_and_not_very_heavy/
%
What do you call a bee that comes from America?

USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3x67/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_comes_from_america/
%
What has 4 legs and is full of disappointment?

My parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3vi6/what_has_4_legs_and_is_full_of_disappointment/
%
I saw a robbery at an Apple store

I'm the only iWitness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3t8q/i_saw_a_robbery_at_an_apple_store/
%
What do you have if you mix honey, a donkey, and an onion together?

A sweet piece of ass that”ll bring a tear to your eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3rd9/what_do_you_have_if_you_mix_honey_a_donkey_and_an/
%
The man who devised it does not want it. The man who bought it does not use it. The man who uses it does not realize it. What is it?

McAfee Antivirus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3r69/the_man_who_devised_it_does_not_want_it_the_man/
%
A pub near my house has a calculus trivia night

They want their patrons to drink and derive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3n4c/a_pub_near_my_house_has_a_calculus_trivia_night/
%
Why did the mirror cross the road?

edis rehto eht ot teg ot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3mz9/why_did_the_mirror_cross_the_road/
%
two gay guys go to sit down at a bar

one says to the other: "mind if I push your stool in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3ljm/two_gay_guys_go_to_sit_down_at_a_bar/
%
Elevator Jokes Are Great

Because they work on many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3ldv/elevator_jokes_are_great/
%
What do you call a lizard that can't get a boner?

Areptile Dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3l8s/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_that_cant_get_a_boner/
%
How are new dad jokes made?

First, a new joke is created when dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock. But it's not until the punchline becomes apparent that the dad joke is fully groan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3jx5/how_are_new_dad_jokes_made/
%
What did Julius Caesar say after he made love to his wife

Veni

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3i7h/what_did_julius_caesar_say_after_he_made_love_to/
%
You can now order bad comedians off the internet.

They have one weak delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3htf/you_can_now_order_bad_comedians_off_the_internet/
%
What do Will Byers and Will Smith have in common?

Both of their lives got turned upside-down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3hov/what_do_will_byers_and_will_smith_have_in_common/
%
“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”

The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3gxz/waiter_the_steak_is_smelling_very_strongly_of/
%
A woman and her 5-year old son are taking a bus home.

It's late in the evening and their stop is the last one on the bus route. All of the other passengers have disembarked, so it's just the woman, her son, and the bus driver. The boy looks out of the window and sees scantily-clad young women standing on a street corner.
"Mommy," says the boy, "what are these girls doing so late at night?" The mother, not wanting to tell him who they really are replies, "Well, Johnny, you see, these girls have a job, and they don't have enough money for their own car, so they wait for their husbands to pick them up and take them home."
The bus driver hears this and says, "Lady, why are you lying to your son?" Then he turns to the boy: "Those are hookers kid, they fuck men for money."
The boy is silent for a moment, then turns to his mother and says, "Mommy, if those hookers have kids, do they become hookers too?"
And the mother replies, "No, they become bus drivers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3dt7/a_woman_and_her_5year_old_son_are_taking_a_bus/
%
If you missed out on your 4/20 post...

4/22 is 4/20 too, today is your second chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3cqu/if_you_missed_out_on_your_420_post/
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Why men don’t write newspaper advice columns.

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road, when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
——————
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking to see that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold, and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Walter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e3abi/why_men_dont_write_newspaper_advice_columns/
%
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e393s/my_grandfather_warned_people_that_the_titanic/
%
An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his letter from his dad:
My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love, your Dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e36tm/an_arab_student_studying_in_germany_wrote_a/
%
Unfortunately, Verne Troyer passed away at 49, which is pretty young.

But let’s be honest, he pretty much always had a short life
Edit; we loved ya, rest in peace bud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e32jw/unfortunately_verne_troyer_passed_away_at_49/
%
What do we want? A thesaurus!

When do we want it?
Straightaway, forthwith, directly, immediately, instantly, away, first off, momentarily, on the double, promptly, pronto, right away, shortly,  today, nowadays, PDQ, at once, at the moment, at this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2yzt/what_do_we_want_a_thesaurus/
%
Team Reddit

Patient : Doctor, I need your help. I am addicted to checking my Twitter.
Doctor : I'm so sorry but I don't follow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2y6c/team_reddit/
%
What language do fish speak?

Finnish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2xg7/what_language_do_fish_speak/
%
What do you call a book club that has been stuck on one book for years

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2wsc/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_that_has_been_stuck/
%
I used to drink absinthe

, but it caused me bad indigestion and terrible wind, weirdly, it sounded like a Japanese motorbike.
I went to a doctor who told me it wasn't uncommon, that everybody knows "absinthe makes the fart go Honda".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2wjk/i_used_to_drink_absinthe/
%
If a man wins the lotto...

Man- What would you do if I won the lottery?
Woman- Take half and leave!
Man- Well, I won 20 bucks, here's 10, now get out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2t1z/if_a_man_wins_the_lotto/
%
Sooooo... with Avicii gone,

Can Mike Posner finally stop taking pills in Ibiza?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2sbs/sooooo_with_avicii_gone/
%
I promised myself that I would have a cigarette after having sex

Well, at least I'm cancer-free. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2roi/i_promised_myself_that_i_would_have_a_cigarette/
%
A married couple were playing golf

on a sweet Sunday afternoon. The wife out of nowhere weirdly asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?". The husband swiftly replied, "No sweetie, you know I wouldn't".
The wife immediately got back saying, "Don't lie to me. I'm sure you would".
The husband sensed this might be a trick question and told her things like how much he truly loved her and couldn't possibly love another woman ever again. The wife seemed impressed and told him she loved him equally and if she died she'd hate to see him being alone and would want him find someone good and get married again.
The man finally admitted whilst sounding ever so reluctant, "If that's what you want dear, I promise you, I would". The wife seemed pleased and he thought he had done well.
After a few moments of pause, the wife asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband replied, "Hmm well I couldn't, I'd buy a new one". Wife said, "It's okay, honey - i know how much you love me and the emotional attachment you'll have, but you should be cautious about money too, you couldn't possibly be buying everything newly". "Okay" said the husband getting somewhat relaxed now.
Then the wife asked, "I hope you wouldn't waste my golf clubs and let her use my golf clubs as well." The husband spontaneously replied, "Oh that I couldn't, she's left handed."
And then there was a long pause...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2q0v/a_married_couple_were_playing_golf/
%
Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.
"WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?" Booms the genie, "MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!"
Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.
"Ta Mac", says Dave as he brushes himself off.
**POOF** without warning, the genie transforms Dave into a slab of tarmac.
"What the fuck have you done to me", shouts Dave, as the genie bursts with laughter and faces Mac, who looks terrified.
"Bwa-ha-ha, you're scared and stricken", laughs the genie, "perhaps you're just a puny chicken?"
**POOF** the genie transforms Mac into a chicken.
The Genie laughs again and decides to give them a chance, "On the count of three, if you both agree, then after a year I'll let you free."
"But if one of you chooses to dismiss, then forever the other will remain like this."
Dave turns to Mac and says, "We've been best friends forever, there's no way I'd say no!"
Mac turns to Dave and says, "Agreed, there's no way I could let you endure such a terrible fate."
The genie counts down...
*Three*
*Two*
*One*
They look at each other, nod, and together they say, "I agree"...
Except Mac didn't... He didn't agree at all and Dave was left lying on the floor, a solid piece of tarmac for the rest of eternity.
You see, Dave had slept with Mac's wife behind his back, but Mac knew about it all along and had been waiting for the perfect opportunity for payback.
That, my friends, is why the chicken crossed the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2pro/mac_and_dave_are_out_hunting_in_the_woods_when/
%
I walked up to the counter and asked the girl at the till to give me a KitKat chunky.

She handed me a KitKat Chunky. I said no, I wanted a regular KitKat, you fat bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2pq0/i_walked_up_to_the_counter_and_asked_the_girl_at/
%
"Blood is thicker than water"

I just reply, "So is horse shit and I try to steer clear of that as well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2plh/blood_is_thicker_than_water/
%
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High Definition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2ov7/what_do_you_call_a_dictionary_on_drugs/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2ony/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
These damn millennials...

Walking around like they rent the place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2nf3/these_damn_millennials/
%
My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...

"For goodness sake, keep it down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2n87/my_next_door_neighbor_is_bulimic_and_she_was/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a steak. The guy behind the counter tells him it'll be $1.
"One dollar?! I've been coming to this bar every week for who knows how long, and it's always been $12! Where's Phil the owner?"
"He's upstairs with my wife."
"Well, what's he doing with your wife?"
"The same thing I'm doing to his business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2k3e/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I never go to sleep on weekends.

Sleep is for the week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2j4e/i_never_go_to_sleep_on_weekends/
%
A guy told me I probably fight like a girl.

So I fucked his best friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2iwx/a_guy_told_me_i_probably_fight_like_a_girl/
%
What do you call someone who doesn't care about printers?

No fax given.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2hz6/what_do_you_call_someone_who_doesnt_care_about/
%
Cake walks into a bar and orders a drink.

After a while he notices everyone's been staring at him since he walked in the door. He asks the barman, "what's everyone's problem?"
The barman says, "If I were you I'd get the hell out if here... Looks to me like everyone wants a piece of you!"
"That's nothing mate", replies the cake, "Ive taken on hundreds and thousands before, these guys would be a piece of cake. Their half baked attempts wouldn't get a rise out of me. I'm no cupcake, and they'll be in teirs after I batter those fruitcakes. I think it's a trifle rude that you're making cake puns while I'm still here. Call the cops if you like, it'll be the icing on the cake, I've been in custardy before, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. Just let me finish my drink, I'll be scone before you know it."
"I'm sorry", says the barman, "Thanks for pudding up with me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2gbd/cake_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
%
Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2flz/q_what_human_body_part_is_long_hard_bendable_and/
%
If a lesbian cock blocks another lesbian

Is it considered a Beaver dam?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2cxj/if_a_lesbian_cock_blocks_another_lesbian/
%
What is the same about procrastination and masturbation?

You’re fucking yourself over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2cwu/what_is_the_same_about_procrastination_and/
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Life without women,

would be a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2ba3/life_without_women/
%
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People from Dubai don’t like the Flinstones, people from Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e2a68/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
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The kid next door challenged me to a water fight

what's up guys, I'm just here killing time while the water boils

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e28cs/the_kid_next_door_challenged_me_to_a_water_fight/
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Donald Trump is giving a speech, and his bodyguard spots somebody about to shoot the president...

The bodyguard leaps up and shouts "MICKEY MOUSE"
Confused, the shooter stops and asks, "why did you shout Mickey mouse?"
The bodyguard replies "oh sorry, i meant to say DONALD, DUCK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e27vu/donald_trump_is_giving_a_speech_and_his_bodyguard/
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An unemployed engineer opens a clinic.

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."  A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e222g/an_unemployed_engineer_opens_a_clinic/
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A joke I made a few years ago....

My son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e20rl/a_joke_i_made_a_few_years_ago/
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When is a pixie not a pixie?

When she has her head down an elf's pants. Then she's a goblin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e1zvp/when_is_a_pixie_not_a_pixie/
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Why don't Jamaican people secure their homes?

Because they dread locks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e1v37/why_dont_jamaican_people_secure_their_homes/
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I just started dating this girl and there have been several red flags...

...but I guess that just comes with the territory when dating a communist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e1ojz/i_just_started_dating_this_girl_and_there_have/
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So a turtle gets mugged by two snails on his way home

When the police finally show up they ask the turtle,
"Mr. Turtle, tell us everything!"
The turtle responds with fear still in his eyes,
"I can't officer, it all happened so fast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e1lmu/so_a_turtle_gets_mugged_by_two_snails_on_his_way/
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e1ico/how_many_mystery_writers_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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I should look into selling mirrors for a living

That's a job I can see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e1i4r/i_should_look_into_selling_mirrors_for_a_living/
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An Arab boy is speaking with his father.

“Father, why do we wear these shawls on our head?”
“To keep the harsh sun off our scalp” He answers.
“What about these long robes father?”
“To protect us from the blistering wind that carries stinging sand.” Father says patiently.
“And our sandals?”
“To shield our feet from the searing rocks of course.”
“Then why the fuck do we live in England, father?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e1dp4/an_arab_boy_is_speaking_with_his_father/
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Blow Up Dolls.

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat\-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used "blow\-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e1cir/blow_up_dolls/
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What is giant, pink and drags across the ocean floor?

Moby's Dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e1bs2/what_is_giant_pink_and_drags_across_the_ocean/
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NSFW A husband and wife have 4 sons

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e17j9/nsfw_a_husband_and_wife_have_4_sons/
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What do we want?

Hearing aids!
When do we want them?
Hearing aids!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e15m7/what_do_we_want/
%
So I was talking to my friend about this new Jewish state...

He didn't believe me when I initially told him,
so I said "Yeah man, Israel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e10xg/so_i_was_talking_to_my_friend_about_this_new/
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I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live.

So I shot him.  Judge gave me 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e0ywt/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_gave_me_2_months_to/
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Engineering student

Engineering Student: "Professor, we've made something which allows you to see through a wall"
Professor in excitement asks "Woah and what is that?"
Student: "A hole"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e0ylh/engineering_student/
%
So a grandma is telling her son about her sex life with her now deceased parter

She says 'Ah yes,  every Sunday she says, we would have sex in rhythm to the church bells, ding, dong, in, out so on so forth
The grandfather died from having sex on Sunday, which the son was confused as to why it was different this time round
'so why did he have a heart attack on Sunday? The son replies. Especially if you guys are normally having rhythmic sex to the sound of the church bells?'
She replies 'well, you see, it was all going well until the ice cream truck drove past '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e0poo/so_a_grandma_is_telling_her_son_about_her_sex/
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Valve should have the rights to the world wars

That way they will never make a third

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e0ou3/valve_should_have_the_rights_to_the_world_wars/
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Three men are lost in a forest, and are trying to find shelter

They come across a village, and when they enter, they ask for shelter, and the chief of the village says “Come back to me with a fruit, and we shall continue speaking.” All three men walk into the forest. After a while, the first of the three comes back, with a peach in hand. The chief of the village says “Ok, I will grant you shelter, but only if you can fit that whole peach up your ass without laughing. If you fail, we will cut your head off”. Confused and scared, the man tries to do so, but starts laughing. His head gets cut off. The second of the three men comes back, and he has a grape. The chief tells him the same thing, and he tries to complete the task, but starts laughing hysterically, so his head is cut off as well. The first two men meet in the afterlife, and they ask each other why they started laughing. The first man says “Oh, the peach fuzz tickled my cheeks”, and then the second guy says “Really? I was doing fine until I saw the other guy walking back with a pineapple in his hand”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e0ngk/three_men_are_lost_in_a_forest_and_are_trying_to/
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I love to hunt lounge chairs...

It's not the kill that excites me, it's the thrill of the chaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e0l6i/i_love_to_hunt_lounge_chairs/
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How come Barbie never got pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e0e3p/how_come_barbie_never_got_pregnant/
%
Why did they stop giving tests at the zoo?

It was full of cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e0dbf/why_did_they_stop_giving_tests_at_the_zoo/
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I’ve always wondered what my parents did for fun before the internet...

So I asked my 27 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e0d1n/ive_always_wondered_what_my_parents_did_for_fun/
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Heard this at the bar yesterday and had a kick out of it.

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, they're stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e0bya/heard_this_at_the_bar_yesterday_and_had_a_kick/
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The Shah and the Vizier

Once upon a time there was a Shah and his vizier. The Shah didn't like his vizier as the vizier was a smart-ass and the Shah was looking for a way to kick him out of his palace. One day he told the vizier to make him a kebab with male ants.
"I want to know for certain that those ants are male, and you have to provide proof" said the Shah in a stern voice. Being a loyal servant to the Shah, the vizier agreed and off he went in search for the ants.
The next day the vizier returns to the palace and goes to the Shah's living quarters.
"O, dear Shah" begins the vizier, "I brought you your dish." With that, he produces a big platter on which there is a kebab with five roasted ants sprinkled on it.
"How will I know those are male ants?" the Shah inquires.
"O dear Shah, may Allah bless you with long years. I found an ant hill and yelled the Shah will come tomorrow in the morning and destroy your habitat. Immediately, these five ants stepped forward and said, 'The Shah can suck our dicks.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e0b2m/the_shah_and_the_vizier/
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What did the trans-textual book say to the librarian?

"Did you just assume my genre?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e0aqb/what_did_the_transtextual_book_say_to_the/
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I went 14 yrs without drinking alcohol or smoking weed

Then I entered high school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e0914/i_went_14_yrs_without_drinking_alcohol_or_smoking/
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I hate chemistry jokes...

I wish we could just dig a hole and Barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e06jv/i_hate_chemistry_jokes/
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My ex girlfriend had this weird fetish

She used to love dressing up as herself and acting like a raging bitch all the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e05nh/my_ex_girlfriend_had_this_weird_fetish/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Shit, I wasn’t going to bury the dead hooker in MY yard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e03kp/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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What is six inches long that women love?

Money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8e02ng/what_is_six_inches_long_that_women_love/
%
I walked up to the bar and asked for a white wine. "Sure." said the bartender...

"There's too many immigrants and they're taking all our jobs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dzx7h/i_walked_up_to_the_bar_and_asked_for_a_white_wine/
%
A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”
Credit: Felipe Esparza

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dzw9k/a_girl_once_told_me_if_you_lost_about_50_pounds/
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A woman has 5 kids in the hood and names them all tyrone. How does she tell their names apart?

The last names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dzv77/a_woman_has_5_kids_in_the_hood_and_names_them_all/
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I Dig

You Dig
We Dig
He Dig
She Dig
They Dig
Now, it's not a very beautiful poem, but it is quite deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dzsl1/i_dig/
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What spell does America cast every time they invade a country in the Middle East?

Expecto Petroleum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dzroz/what_spell_does_america_cast_every_time_they/
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I don't understand why guys think it's so difficult to take off a girl's bra.

I can do it with both hands behind my back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dzqxk/i_dont_understand_why_guys_think_its_so_difficult/
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If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, what does drinking Fanta make you?

diabetic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dzntd/if_drinking_alcohol_makes_you_an_alcoholic_what/
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Did you hear about the incompetent circumciser?

He slipped and got the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dzlja/did_you_hear_about_the_incompetent_circumciser/
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TIL that redditors are the most ecologically conscientious subculture on the internet.

They recycle everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dzjm6/til_that_redditors_are_the_most_ecologically/
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Do you ever look at a mannequin and think,

Her head looks a bit off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dzcuz/do_you_ever_look_at_a_mannequin_and_think/
%
Three Bedoins are arguing over a will...

Three brothers are told that their father had left one half of his property to his eldest son, one third to the second, and one sixth to the third.
All was going well until they go to their father's camels. Their father left 19 camels, which doesn't divide by 2,3 or 6. They argued and argued over who got the remaining camel, and the rest of the tribe grew tired of their bickering. Eventually, the rest of the tribe got together and insisted they submit to the wisdom of the Wise Man.
So the three brothers travelled with the camels across the desert for many days, before they arrived at the wise man's tent. They told the man their predicament, and he stroked his beard. "Let me think" he said, and disappeared into his tent.
The brothers camped.down formdays on end, each barely speaking, and just as they were about to give up hope, the wise man appeared again
"I have a solution for you" he said to.the brother's great relief " But first my fee. For.my services, I charge I camel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dza5r/three_bedoins_are_arguing_over_a_will/
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I tried to be a professional blacksmith for a living...

But I was arrested for forgery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dza4w/i_tried_to_be_a_professional_blacksmith_for_a/
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What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dz5mk/what_has_two_legs_and_bleeds_a_lot/
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I know a guy who takes denial to the next level.

He doesn't believe in stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dz3va/i_know_a_guy_who_takes_denial_to_the_next_level/
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A woman hires an agent to kill her husband.

She sets it up so she can watch it from a building overlooking their apartment.
Her husband is showering as the agent arrives. She watches as the agent sneaks up on him without being heard. He whips off his overcoat, throws open the shower door and humps the husband to death.
The wife meets the agent the next day to pay for his service.
She hands over the money and says, "A little more unconventional than I expected, but you got the job done"
"What did you expect?" replies the agent
"Well, when you said you were an anal assassin, I expected you to be meticulous about your work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dz0s1/a_woman_hires_an_agent_to_kill_her_husband/
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I saw a girl wearing a Black Panther shirt today.

So I walk up to her and say, "Hey girl, Wakanda music do you listen to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dyyla/i_saw_a_girl_wearing_a_black_panther_shirt_today/
%
My friend uses concrete and asphalt interchangeably

He says it's just a matter of cementics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dyyke/my_friend_uses_concrete_and_asphalt/
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What do you call a fish with no legs?

A fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dyxpu/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_legs/
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Pussy Willow

One morning, old man Speller is sitting on his front porch, when the neighbors’ young son walks by dragging a whole mess of fencing behind him.
“Hey boy! Where you goin’ with all that fencin’?”, asks the old man.
“This here mister? Well this here’s chicken wire, I’m going to catch me some chickens!”, replies the boy.
The old man chuckles to himself as the boy walks off, amused by his youthful imagination.
Well lo and behold, the boy walks back by later in the afternoon with what must have been 100 chickens all wrapped up in chicken wire. “Well I’ll be damned,” the old man thinks aloud.
The next morning, the boy walks by old man Speller’s porch again dragging a big bag from the hardware store.
“Whatcha got in the bag there, son?”, asks the old man.
The little boy replies, “This here? Well this here’s duct tape! I’m going to catch me some ducks!”
Again the old man laughs, sure this time the boy is having a lark. But lo and behold, the boy comes wandering by that evening with what must have been a 100 ducks all wrapped up in duct tape. Old man Speller’s mouth hangs agape in disbelief.
Well the next morning, the boy wanders by yet again, carrying a giant bundle of sticks.
“Well what in God’s name are you doin’ with all them sticks?”, asks the old man.
“Well these here mister? These are pussywillow, I’m going to catch me some…”
“Hold it right there!”, exclaims the old man as he stands up and puts on his cap, “boy, I’m comin’ with ya!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dyx8m/pussy_willow/
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How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They are all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dyvqa/how_many_antivaxxers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Son asks his dad what’s the difference between dream and reality ??

Dad: hmmm good question son, to answer that, I’ll have to show you practically. Come with me
So dad takes son and goes to his wife asking
Dad: if someone offers you 1 million dollars for a one night would you agree ?
Wife: of course, it’s only one night and a million dollar can change my life.
So dad takes his son and goes to his daughter asking
Dad :  if someone offers you 1 million dollars for a one night would you agree ?
Daughter: duuuuuuh dad, it’s only one night and a million dollar can change my life.
So he turns to his kid and says in a dream we would have 2 million dollars but in reality we have 2 sluts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dyvpg/son_asks_his_dad_whats_the_difference_between/
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A father looks at his son after losing his first tooth. “Now that you’ve lost your first tooth, son, what have you learned?”

“Never interrupt you again while you’re talking”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dyvnp/a_father_looks_at_his_son_after_losing_his_first/
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George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie

Clooney says, "I'll direct."
DiCaprio says, "I'll act."
McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dyqya/george_clooney_leonardo_dicaprio_and_matthew/
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What’s the difference between a Cowboy and a Redneck?

One rides a horse and the other rides his cousin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dymu8/whats_the_difference_between_a_cowboy_and_a/
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Why did the father laugh at his son?

It’s good to laugh at your mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dykiu/why_did_the_father_laugh_at_his_son/
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What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNEEEEOOOOWWWWW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dyixm/what_do_we_want/
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Clocks

A woman drives past a small store with various clocks in the window. She thinks to herself, "Oh a clock-repair shop! I should bring in my broken wall-clock."
So the next day she walks in with her clock and asks the man at the front desk to repair it.
"Oh no, I don't fixed clocks; I'm a Rabbi! I do circumcisions."
"Wait, then why do you have all those clocks in the window?"
"Well, what SHOULD I have in the window?"
(I haven't seen this one on here and I've been lurking for a few weeks. Sorry if repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dy6bf/clocks/
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Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement

In the end you just ignore everything and admit "I agree"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dy29i/arguing_with_a_woman_is_like_reading_a_software/
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I think I’ve been spending too much time with prostitutes.

During sex, my girlfriend said “give it to me” and I pulled out my wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dxy3a/i_think_ive_been_spending_too_much_time_with/
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The hipster burnt his tongue

He must’ve drank his coffee before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dxvud/the_hipster_burnt_his_tongue/
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How does /r/jokes celebrate Earth Day?

By recycling 100% of its content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dxva0/how_does_rjokes_celebrate_earth_day/
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The tale of Old Joe

There once was a man named Paul who, after some trouble with the law, found himself homeless behind a fast food joint just outside of Wichita, Kansas. He stayed there for a few days, drinking from the bathroom sinks and eating scraps from the trash, when an old rancher named Joe found him and took pity.
"Look," the old man said, "if you don't mind some hard work, I'll take you back to my ranch. I'm in need of a ranch-hand, and I think I could offer you a bed and rustle up some warm grub." Paul graciously agreed, and headed off to the ranch with old Joe.
The first few weeks were hard. He had to shovel manure, coral the horses, and learn to rope cattle. His muscles ached and his hands were covered in blisters. But he had a warm bed in the loft of the barn and three hot meals a day, and old Joe was kind, so he kept at it.
Well, the weeks turned into months and Paul turned out to be a fine ranch-hand. He could do barn chores faster than anybody and roped cattle with the best of them. He still stayed in the straw bed in the barn loft and ate hot chow with old Joe and Joe's wife.
Seasons changed. The grass went brown and the winds turned cold, but Paul still worked as hard as ever, rising as early as 3 am to get started on the barn chores. The months turned into years and he grew close to kind old Joe.
One day Joe took him aside and said, "Paul, you've really grown on me. I can't help but remember the poor state in which I found you and how much you've changed. You're the best ranch hand I ever had. I want you to start sleeping in the farmhouse, in my son's room. He died a couple years before I found you, in a car crash, and I've left his room empty since... but I want you to have it. You're like a son to me now."
In tears of gratitude, Paul agreed, and started sleeping in the farmhouse.
Well, the stages of life pass like seasons-- the spring of birth, the summer of youth, the fall of aging, and the winter of death-- and old Joe fell ill with pneumonia. They called the doctor out to take a look and the news wasn't good-- old Joe had grown weak and the medicine couldn't get on top of the infection. Joe was on his deathbed.
After the doctor left, Joe asked a distraught Paul to come closer. He whispered, "Paul, my second son. I need you to do something for me. When I was in the war, I took a gold watch off a Jap who tried to bayonet me. It's been a treasure of mine because it reminded me of the fragility of life and the horrors of war. Wanting to keep it safe, I sealed it in a fence post on the far side of the pasture. I painted the top white so I could remember where it is. Paul, I'd like to have that watch with me now, while I wait to pass on to the Lord."
Paul agreed. Filled with determination and aware that time was running out, Paul saddled up the fastest horse on the ranch and galloped at full speed to the end of the pasture. He dismounted at the far end and started looking for the white-topped post.
He checked one, then another, then another. No white tops, no hidden watches. Frustration growing, Paul broke out into a run, first running one way, then the other.
Finally, he found a post that looked promising. The paint on top was faded gray, but still there. Paul ran his fingers over the top, feeling the rough, weathered surface, and found a small crack. He pulled the post open in expectation and found... nothing. There was no watch.
"You lookin' for a watch?" a voice from behind called out.
Paul turned and saw an old man, maybe even older than Paul, standing behind him. "Who are you?" Paul asked.
The old man smiled. "They call me Billy, but that's not my real name. I'm Joe's brother. I stay out here in the shed by the far corner of the pasture, and watch over the cattle when they come this way. In return, my brother gives me three square meals a day and a roof over my head.
"I can't work anywhere else, after I took some shrapnel in my back on Okinawa. I was there, with Joe, when he took the watch. I knew how much it meant to him, so I was a little surprised when he stuck in an old fence post. After some months had gone by and Joe stopped checking on it, I took the post with the watch and locked them up in my shed here for safety.
"I rustled up and old scrap post, painted the top white, and stuck it where you are now. It ain't the post you want. What you're lookin' at, right there, is just a repost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dxt6f/the_tale_of_old_joe/
%
What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

The front row of a Toby Keith concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dxqrt/what_has_132_legs_and_8_teeth/
%
My wife said, don't worry "I'm just windowshopping" while on zalando, amazon and aliexpress.

Guess what I said when she caught me browsing Tinder?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dxpli/my_wife_said_dont_worry_im_just_windowshopping/
%
What was the very last thing the dedicated German therapist told his patients on the Titanic?

"Sink Positively!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dxn0g/what_was_the_very_last_thing_the_dedicated_german/
%
Since Eve was created from Adam's ribs...

That technically makes her Adam's side chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dxmze/since_eve_was_created_from_adams_ribs/
%
Did you hear about the Boston chef who died?

They could not find the sauce of his illness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dxm7t/did_you_hear_about_the_boston_chef_who_died/
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A man went on a semi-guided hunting trip in the remote wilderness.

Before setting off on the first day the guide instructed him to shoot three times into the air if he should get lost. Sure enough, the man the man became lost and did as instructed. Nobody came. This continued over the course of the next four days. Finally, on the fifth day a search party located the lost man and just in the nick of time as he only had one arrow left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dxlo8/a_man_went_on_a_semiguided_hunting_trip_in_the/
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If someone wants to say the word "motel" backwards

Just letom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dxh2y/if_someone_wants_to_say_the_word_motel_backwards/
%
A boy askes his dad if he can have a beer.

The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a beer yet."
A few years later he sees his dad having a cigar, and he asks if he can have a cigar too. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy, again, says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar yet."
A few more years pass, and the son buys a lottery ticket, and wins big. His dad says "Hey son, how about sharing that money with your dad?" The son says "Gee, I don't know. is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?"
The dad says "Yes it is!"
"Then go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dxfo7/a_boy_askes_his_dad_if_he_can_have_a_beer/
%
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear

I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dxe07/a_friend_got_mad_at_me_for_smelling_his_sisters/
%
I was told, "If you procrastinate . . ."

You will never encounter any problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dxci7/i_was_told_if_you_procrastinate/
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You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes?

8 Pirates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dx810/you_know_what_has_8_legs_8_hands_and_8_eyes/
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A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral.

A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands up, clears his throat, says “Plethora” , and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “That means a lot”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dx6yn/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
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What are teddy bear poops called?

Fleeces

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dx6vw/what_are_teddy_bear_poops_called/
%
Just heard this joke from my dad: A newly hired salesman in a department store is being taught by his manager how to handle sales...

The manager tells him that he'll help the first customer, and show him how to make the most of a sales opportunity, and then he'll let him try.
A customer walks in, so the manager approaches him and says: "Good evening, sir! How may I help you?"
"I'd like to buy some grass seeds.", says the customer.
"Excellent, we have these grass seeds of the highest quality for $3.50. Perhaps I can interest you in a lawnmower as well?"  replies the manager.
"A lawnmower? Why on earth would I need a lawnmower?" asks the customer.
To which the manager responds, "Well, we have a lawnmower on discount currently, for $400 instead of $500, and in two months time when your grass has grown and you'll want to tend to your lovely new lawn, you'll need a lawnmower, but by then the lawnmower won't be on discount... So you might as well save some money and buy it now.".
The customer is convinced, and buys the lawnmower and the grass seeds for a total of $403.50.
The manager turns to his apprentice and says, "See? He came in to spend $3.50 but with some convincing ended up spending an extra $400 dollars. Now it's your turn to try".
So when the next customer comes in, the apprentice goes up to him and says politely, "Good evening, sir! How may I help you?".
The customer, clearly a bit embarrassed, says softly "I need a box of tampons, please."
The apprentice gives him a box of tampons for $7.50, and says to the customer, "While you're here, perhaps I can interest you in our discounted lawnmower?".
The customer, clearly baffled, says to him "A lawnmower? Why the hell would I need a lawnmower?".
To which the apprentice replies, "Well, your weekend is clearly fucked, you might as well get some gardening done...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dwzey/just_heard_this_joke_from_my_dad_a_newly_hired/
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Its unfortunate that Avicii died but

At least Mike Posner can pop pills in ibiza and not have to worry about impressing anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dwvqa/its_unfortunate_that_avicii_died_but/
%
A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dwpnh/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I had a terrible headache in a Chinese restaurant last night and asked for them to turn off the lights

or just dim sum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dwj1y/i_had_a_terrible_headache_in_a_chinese_restaurant/
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What does United do when you don't have a ticket?

Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dwi6z/what_does_united_do_when_you_dont_have_a_ticket/
%
I just saw brokeback mountain

The action was in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dwg4o/i_just_saw_brokeback_mountain/
%
The name's Bond.

Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dwcev/the_names_bond/
%
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?

To get to the other slide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dw8kj/why_did_the_powerpoint_presentation_cross_the_road/
%
I just watched a tree sitcom

Overall it was ok, but the characters were a bit too sappy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dw8c7/i_just_watched_a_tree_sitcom/
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What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet is even a thing?

I asked my 26 brothers and sisters & they didn’t know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dw7k8/what_did_our_parents_do_to_kill_boredom_before/
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[religion] Pat Robertson is on his way to buy some Depends.

As he's walking down the street, he sees a small boy sitting on the curb with a box of newborn kittens. He looks in the box of squirming, mewing kittens, and tells the boy "Those are about the cutest kittens I've ever seen!"
The boy smiles and says "Thanks! They're Christian kittens."
Pat smiles and continues down the street.
A week later, Pat is walking down the same street with Ann Coulter, on their way to lunch. Pat sees the same boy sitting on the curb with the box of kittens. He nudges Ann, and says "You've got to ask this boy about his kittens... he has the most amazing story!"
Ann shrugs, and walks over and looks in the box. "Wow... your kittens sure are cute!" she says.
"Thanks!" says the boy. "They're atheist kittens."
"Now hold on!" Pat interrupts. "Last week you told me they were Christian kittens."
"They were" the boy replies, "but that was before their eyes were open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dw6lp/religion_pat_robertson_is_on_his_way_to_buy_some/
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What's the difference between America and Stormy?

Both agonizingly fucked by Trump, but one got paid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dw5kx/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_stormy/
%
Hey you wanna know why they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
I'm sorry you can thank my mom for that joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dw1it/hey_you_wanna_know_why_they_call_it_pms/
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My friends called me over for a threesome fuck party

I told them that if I had to disappoint two people at once, I'd rather have dinner with my parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dw105/my_friends_called_me_over_for_a_threesome_fuck/
%
It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they Take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out: "Hey, I see what your problem is!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dw0wk/its_the_time_of_the_french_revolution_and_theyre/
%
First rule of English grammar,

Double negatives are a no no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvywu/first_rule_of_english_grammar/
%
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.

He says, "No, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvvl8/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel_and_is_asked_if_he/
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What's the worst joke you can say to a Jehovah's Witness?

Knock knock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvui9/whats_the_worst_joke_you_can_say_to_a_jehovahs/
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How did Mace die?

He fell out the Windu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvscv/how_did_mace_die/
%
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and an IT admin are in a car that won't start.

Electrical Engineer: "It has to be the battery. Let's check that."
Mechanical Engineer: "No, I think it's the engine. Let's check that instead."
IT Admin: "How about this? Let's all get out of the car and get back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvrss/an_electrical_engineer_a_mechanical_engineer_and/
%
Next time you get mad at lag in a video game just remember...

It took Jesus 3 days to respawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvr7e/next_time_you_get_mad_at_lag_in_a_video_game_just/
%
What's the most attractive law of science?

Gravity.
Everything falls for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvqfv/whats_the_most_attractive_law_of_science/
%
What do you call it when Kim Jong Un is sick

Kim Jong Ill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvp17/what_do_you_call_it_when_kim_jong_un_is_sick/
%
What's the difference between a woman and a dishwasher?

I know how to turn on a dishwasher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvo4g/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
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Guns – Good Question, Better Answer!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian General.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvje7/guns_good_question_better_answer/
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There are no Wal-Marts in Syria

Only Targets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dviub/there_are_no_walmarts_in_syria/
%
Want to know how to keep a fool in suspense?

I’ll tell you tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvej5/want_to_know_how_to_keep_a_fool_in_suspense/
%
Why do redneck couples love to do it doggy-style?

That way they can both watch the Monster Trucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvdhg/why_do_redneck_couples_love_to_do_it_doggystyle/
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What do you call a magician without the magic?

Ian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvd4x/what_do_you_call_a_magician_without_the_magic/
%
An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.

"First child?" Asks another father
"No" replies the Man
"Well then why are you so anxious?"
"Well, when my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."
"That's amazing." says the second Man
"Yes" replies the first "but she just finished reading 'Birth of a Nation'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvbu3/an_expecting_father_paces_nervously_up_and_down/
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What did the optimistic singer say in a failed attempt to save a suicidal man’s life?

Duet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvbqs/what_did_the_optimistic_singer_say_in_a_failed/
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Ever since Robert was a child

He had a fear of someone under his bed at night.
So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him "I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed
I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psychiatrist.
"Come, talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
'$200 per visit,' replied
the doctor.
'I'll think of it and if needed I will come back to you,'
Robert said.
Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, $200 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A Indian friend of mine cured me for the price of one plate biryani and a bottle of coke.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new SUV".
'Is that so!' with a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did the friend cure you?'
He told me to
"Sell the bed and sleep on a Mattress on the floor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dvbjp/ever_since_robert_was_a_child/
%
A snake walks into a bar...

Barman says "How'd you do that"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dv9zt/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dv778/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
%
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love...

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time, before I die."
She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point, the wife sits up and screams, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning...YOU DON’T!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dv22k/a_man_returns_from_the_doctor_and_tells_his_wife/
%
I much prefer Kim Jong Un to Donald Trump

One of them was a businessman for most of his life, while the other has been a politician for his whole Korea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8duzg0/i_much_prefer_kim_jong_un_to_donald_trump/
%
I volunteer part time as a jouster at the renaissance fair.

I’m a free lancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8duxy4/i_volunteer_part_time_as_a_jouster_at_the/
%
Knock knock...

"Who's there?"
"Darth Plagueis"
"Darth Plagueis who?"
"Hmm, I thought not. it's not a story the Jedi would tell you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8duwwx/knock_knock/
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Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8duurj/vladimir_putin_has_boasted_that_russia_is/
%
Why are so many conservatives rednecks?

They refuse to apply sunblock liberally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8duual/why_are_so_many_conservatives_rednecks/
%
How many police officers does it take to push a man down the stairs?

None. He fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8duqdh/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_push_a/
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I'm really good friends with all 26 letters of the alphabet

But I'm hoping to get to know you better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8duq7r/im_really_good_friends_with_all_26_letters_of_the/
%
My wife just said ' its funny how sex is always better on holiday’

I’ll be honest it’s not the nicest postcard I’ve ever received

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dupmp/my_wife_just_said_its_funny_how_sex_is_always/
%
Technologically slow dad

Asks his son
"Son, can you show me how to remove a picture I posted on Facebook?
Son, busy, replies
"Why do you ask me every time? Why don't you ask someone else to teach you?"
Dad replies
"Well, a man always learns from his mistakes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dup4t/technologically_slow_dad/
%
A man wins a trip to meet the Pope...

A man wins a trip to meet the Pope and he can barely contain himself as he is on the plane to Italy. He makes his way to the Vatican where he meets the group of 50 or so other men and women who will be meeting the Pope that day. They chat anxiously while waiting and are finally told to form a line as the Pope arrives. The man is at the back of the line.
The Pope approaches the person at the front of the line and delivers them a blessing. He then slowly approaches the second in line and blesses them as well. Now the third guy in lie is a scruffy fellow, with dirty long hair and a tattered overcoat, he looks like a homeless person. When the Pope meets him, rather than just a blessing he reaches forwards and gives the scruffy man a hug, then the Pope, blessing people as he goes.
The man at the back is now thinking 'well, I don't just want a blessing, I want a hug too!' so he sneaks to the front of the line and approaches the homeless man. 'I'll give you €1000 euros for your jacket' he says, the homeless man agrees and gives up his jacket.
The man now hurries back to his place at the back of the line and sure enough when the Pope reaches him he pulls him close for a hug. As they're embracing the Pope leans in close and whispers:
'I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8duffs/a_man_wins_a_trip_to_meet_the_pope/
%
A guy walks into a bar....

Asks the bar tender for a shot of whiskey,  vodka and brandy.
Nails the three shots and proceeds to say "I shouldn't have done that with what I've got! "
The bar tender replies "why,  what have you got?"
"One pound" the man replies....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8du9g6/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did the dad buffalo say to his son on the first day of school?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8du572/what_did_the_dad_buffalo_say_to_his_son_on_the/
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I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8du360/i_asked_my_veteran_friend_what_the_first_ranking/
%
I tried to be an Uber driver...

Trouble is, my passengers didn’t appreciate when I went the extra mile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8du2uh/i_tried_to_be_an_uber_driver/
%
A women wants to surprise her husband so she visits a sex shop

And asks for something special for her husband. The owner says that he has a one of a kind frog that gives the best blowjobs a men can ask for.
She buys the frog and in the evening surprises her husband.
"I got you this frog as a present"
The husband is perplexed:
"Why did you buy me a frog? What am I supposed to do with it?
"Take it upstairs to our bedroom, just trust me" she assures him.
The husband reluctantly takes the frog to their bedroom and closes the door.
The wife waits patiently... an hour passes then another... after 5 hours, she gets restless and goes upstairs to their bedroom.
She slowly opens the door not knowing what to expect and to her surprise she sees her husband and the frog sitting on the bed and her husband reading a cooking book aloud to the frog.
Shocked, she yells at him:
"What are you doing with the frog? Do you even know what this frog can do??"
The husband smiles: "I do... and if it can cook, you're moving the fuck out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dtyxl/a_women_wants_to_surprise_her_husband_so_she/
%
Okay, Lama spelled with one 'L' is a holy man in Tibet. With two 'L's, a llama is a South American pack animal.

So, what is a three  'L'  lama?
A big fire in Boston.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dty66/okay_lama_spelled_with_one_l_is_a_holy_man_in/
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Bill Maher- Did you hear what happened at Starbucks?

They ordered two blacks to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dtxh6/bill_maher_did_you_hear_what_happened_at_starbucks/
%
Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.
-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dtwct/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_clickbait/
%
Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?

They gave each other the Willies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dtwaf/did_you_hear_about_the_two_gay_ghosts/
%
Where do you go when you break your funny bone?

The Hahaspital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dtrty/where_do_you_go_when_you_break_your_funny_bone/
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Table Dancer

A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dtq58/table_dancer/
%
I appauld Amazon for being progressive on the whole "Who can use which restroom issue".

They don't care who pees in what bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dtpoh/i_appauld_amazon_for_being_progressive_on_the/
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What do you call a group of chubby transgender people?

Trans fats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dtmgt/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_chubby_transgender/
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How do cops say goodnight to their kids?

"...YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN silent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dthj1/how_do_cops_say_goodnight_to_their_kids/
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Why did the blind man fall off the Space Needle?

Because he couldn’t Seattle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dtfh0/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_off_the_space_needle/
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What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make?

A dino-snore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dtevo/what_sound_does_a_sleeping_trex_make/
%
A Grass-Type Pokemon walks in a doctor's office

"Doc, my bulb is sore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dtent/a_grasstype_pokemon_walks_in_a_doctors_office/
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Why was the wall covered in puke after a party?

It got plastered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dteix/why_was_the_wall_covered_in_puke_after_a_party/
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Is it possible to stutter in sign language?

Yes, it’s called Parkinson’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dte3e/is_it_possible_to_stutter_in_sign_language/
%
What does heroin do?

About 78% the work of a hero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dtdrw/what_does_heroin_do/
%
Saw on twitter

Don’t worry if you missed 4:20 guys just smoke at 4:22 because it is 4:20 too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dt8rq/saw_on_twitter/
%
Whats the difference between kobe bryant and time?

Time passes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dt864/whats_the_difference_between_kobe_bryant_and_time/
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How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dt6b1/how_did_they_know_princess_diana_had_dandruff/
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What is the speed limit of love?

68 ... any faster and you need to turn around!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dt6a3/what_is_the_speed_limit_of_love/
%
My friend is nicest when he's on the toilet

Because that's the only time he ever gives a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dt2nm/my_friend_is_nicest_when_hes_on_the_toilet/
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How does a cop hang a picture?

"...UP AGAINST THE WALL!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dt1qj/how_does_a_cop_hang_a_picture/
%
Ever since I started to wear adult diapers

I've been a changed man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dsz8w/ever_since_i_started_to_wear_adult_diapers/
%
(NSFW) A man walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a rum and coke.
The bartender hands him an apple. The man confused says "I asked for a rum and coke, this is an apple."
The bartender replies "Trust me buddy. Just try it."
The man boggled by this takes a bite of the apple. "It tastes like rum!" He exclaims.
"Turn it around." Replies the bartender.
Happily he turns the apple around and sure enough
"It tastes like Coke! This is awesome!" The man says in excitement.
Another man walks in and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender hands him a different apple. This man mind boggled just like the first starts to exclaim before the first man interrupts.
"Just try it! Trust me!"
He bites into it and says "That tastes like gin!"
"Turn it around!" The first guy says excitedly.
The man turns it around and takes a bite, "That tastes like tonic!" The men then start eating their apples.
A third man walks up to the bar.
The first man looks at him and says, "It doesn't matter what you order he has an apple that tastes like anything!"
The third man sits and ponders about what he wants for a minute before coming to a conclusion.
"Do you have an apple that tastes like pussy?"
The bartender grabs an apple and hands it to the man. "Is this what you mean?" The man promptly takes a bite.
"This tastes like ass!" He yells at the bartender.
The bartender shakes his head and responds "Turn it around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dsz4m/nsfw_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I was actually going to post a time travel joke...

but it seems someone beat me to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dswxl/i_was_actually_going_to_post_a_time_travel_joke/
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What do you call the list of most grossly obese people in the world?

Four-chin 500

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dsum3/what_do_you_call_the_list_of_most_grossly_obese/
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Why did the pothead have weak knees and elbows?

He didnt have any joints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dst5z/why_did_the_pothead_have_weak_knees_and_elbows/
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What natural disaster does earth like the most?

Earthquakes. They always seem to crack it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dsozh/what_natural_disaster_does_earth_like_the_most/
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A racehorse walks into a bar .....

One day, a race horse walked into a bar fresh after winning his biggest event of the year. He sits down at the bar, orders a drink and looks over to see a donkey sitting on the other side of the room. The race horse gets up from his stool and decides to say what's up, and they began talking and really hit it off. After a few drinks they decide to head back to the race horse's house, and being the successful race horse he was, his house was amazing and hung up on the walls were countless pictures of his victories. The donkey, questioned them and asked, "whats up with all these pictures on the wall" to which the horse replied that he liked to celebrate his achievements. As the night progressed the horse turned the conversation and began to ask the donkey about what he does for a living. Being a measly donkey he was nothing in comparison to this super star race horse so he continued to divert the conversation till the end of the night, where they both agreed to go back to the donkeys house Tommorow night.
The next day the donkey found himself panicking trying to make the shack that he lived  in look anything near as good as the race horses house the night before, and in a fit of desperation he headed down to the zoo and took some pictures of a zebra. That whole afternoon he spent printing them out into large posters which covered the whole wall, to prepare for the arrival of the horse. Evening arrived and as did the horse, who the donkey hunbly let in. They sat down and had some drinks till the race horse finally asked the donkey what was up with all the pictures of zebras around his room? To which the donkey replied, "oh, that's just when I used to play for juventus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dso9u/a_racehorse_walks_into_a_bar/
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Orgasms are like opinions

Mine is more important and I don't care if she has one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dskax/orgasms_are_like_opinions/
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My wife asked me how she compared to my ex-girlfriends

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all eights and nines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dsk30/my_wife_asked_me_how_she_compared_to_my/
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What did the boston marathon bombers accomplish that hitler could not?

They ended a race...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dsj9l/what_did_the_boston_marathon_bombers_accomplish/
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25 inch penis

A man with a 25 inch cock goes to the witch in the woods with hopes she can make it smaller.
the witch says to go further and find the magick talking frog. when you do, ask him if he will marry you. when he says no your dick shrinks 5 inches.
the man finds the frog and asks "will you marry me?"
the frog goes "no."
and like magic, his dick shrunk 5 inches!
still too big he decides to ask again "would you marry me?"
the frog says "No!"
now at 15 inches he think 10 would be perfect and decides to ask one last time. "will you marry me?"
the frog, now mad, says "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? NO! NO! NO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dsggs/25_inch_penis/
%
Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her: "On what day will I die?"

The fortuneteller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.
"Why are you so sure of that?" Asked Hitler.
"Any day", she replied, "on which you die will be a Jewish holiday".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dsges/hitler_went_to_a_fortuneteller_and_asked_her_on/
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My buddy said he threw a stick five miles and his dog managed to find it and brought it back.

Seems a little far fetched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dsfqq/my_buddy_said_he_threw_a_stick_five_miles_and_his/
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A black guy and a white guy each drink 3 beers at a bar, who pays the bill?

They each pay for their own because men aren’t complicated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dseyp/a_black_guy_and_a_white_guy_each_drink_3_beers_at/
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What has two wings and a halo?

An Asian phone call; "Wing, Wing, Halo!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dsc73/what_has_two_wings_and_a_halo/
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Oh So Creamy

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!", He screams.
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well."
So the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says: "See honey - its not that hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dsc1t/oh_so_creamy/
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To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide, but you can’t run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ds5tn/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says...

"Excuse me, is this stool taken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ds3og/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
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I was offered sex from a 21 year old woman...

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person of high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon and vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ds2cp/i_was_offered_sex_from_a_21_year_old_woman/
%
My girlfriend screamed accusingly, "You're just a typical man! Always thinking with your dick!"

I shot back, "Ok smart ass! Blow my mind!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8drs1o/my_girlfriend_screamed_accusingly_youre_just_a/
%
What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer?

Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dro50/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
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I Don’t Know Why I Like Switzerland So Much

But the flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8drk7j/i_dont_know_why_i_like_switzerland_so_much/
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I came back home from work today only to discover someone had stolen all of my lamps.

I was delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8drjla/i_came_back_home_from_work_today_only_to_discover/
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What do you call it when people are waiting around to be hit?

A punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8drgcs/what_do_you_call_it_when_people_are_waiting/
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Why was 4 afraid of going inside the haunted house?

Because it was two squared!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8drar8/why_was_4_afraid_of_going_inside_the_haunted_house/
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Did you hear about the farmer who lost his basket of vegetables?

He said it's ok, they'll turnip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dr89h/did_you_hear_about_the_farmer_who_lost_his_basket/
%
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing.

So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about
30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for supper?". No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for
supper?"
"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dr3c1/an_old_man_decided_his_old_wife_was_getting_hard/
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Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery

Robin: What's a tery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dr1ym/robin_the_batmobile_wont_start_batman_check_the/
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If a girl wants a satisfactory sex life, she should hook up with a nice guy...

They finish last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dr1vo/if_a_girl_wants_a_satisfactory_sex_life_she/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

‘Cuz you wanted to see how far you could spit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dr0az/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
Trump and three others are in a plane crash. Who survives?

America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dqzdl/trump_and_three_others_are_in_a_plane_crash_who/
%
I was at the local swimming pool today and was bursting for a piss, so I went down to the deep end, I got caught, the pool attendant blew his whistle so loud.

I nearly fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dqy8h/i_was_at_the_local_swimming_pool_today_and_was/
%
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the young doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming and yelling. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.
After listening to her story, he calmed her down and asked her to wait in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor’s room.
“What the hell’s wrong with you?” he demanded.
“That woman is 68 years old, she has two adult children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dqy24/a_woman_went_to_the_emergency_room_where_she_was/
%
Where did little suzy go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dqwck/where_did_little_suzy_go_during_the_bombing/
%
What do women and spaghetti have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat ‘em

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dqvxy/what_do_women_and_spaghetti_have_in_common/
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How to tell a difference between a Politician and chemistry nerd?

Ask them to read the word- "unionized"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dqigv/how_to_tell_a_difference_between_a_politician_and/
%
Did you hear about the italian chef's death?

He pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dqiew/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chefs_death/
%
A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won.
As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
The bookie was elated.
He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's next blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he had on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up lame and couldn't even finish the race.
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was standing. Confronting him, he exclaimed, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost all my money!"
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You aren't Catholic are you my son?"
"No, I'm Jewish."
"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dqieg/a_jewish_bookie_was_at_the_races_playing_the/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.
"$3", says the bartender.
The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated.
The next day, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table.
Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change".
The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dqcuv/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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My love for you is like a copied assignment...

I just can't explain it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dq784/my_love_for_you_is_like_a_copied_assignment/
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-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor?

-Yes, I am, mum!
-But he could be your father!
-Age does not matter, mum!
-That's not what I meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dq6yc/my_daughter_are_you_really_dating_our_neighbor/
%
I walked in on my wife and the milkman

the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dq4te/i_walked_in_on_my_wife_and_the_milkman/
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If you rearrange the letters of Postmen

They become very angry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dq4j1/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
%
What do you call a drunk, horny guy?

Toy story
Because he's got a Buzz and he's got a Woody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dq4gi/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_horny_guy/
%
If twin ducks travel back in time and have a threesome with their mother on the day they were conceived...

...do they create a pair’a’ducks?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dq2kp/if_twin_ducks_travel_back_in_time_and_have_a/
%
Do you know why your feet smell so bad?

Because they grow from your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dpzik/do_you_know_why_your_feet_smell_so_bad/
%
Gordon Ramsey always uses Condoms,

otherwise he would be fucking raw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dpz0l/gordon_ramsey_always_uses_condoms/
%
What's DJ Khaled's favorite number?

11, cuz it's got *anotha one*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dpywy/whats_dj_khaleds_favorite_number/
%
Jesus and Lazarus are playing poker. Jesus says...

I'll see you and I'll raise you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dpvgn/jesus_and_lazarus_are_playing_poker_jesus_says/
%
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dpt0s/guy_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_we/
%
Avicii passed away today ...

...looks like no one's going to be able to wake him up when it's all over.
RIP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dpq6z/avicii_passed_away_today/
%
The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won’t take any part in it.

So wake me up when it’s all over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dppse/the_worst_thing_about_celebrity_deaths_is_the/
%
Mother sharks and her offspring were swimming one day when they came upon a sinking ship.

Mother shark saw the humans abandoning ship. Once the ship sank, she instructed her offspring, "Follow my lead. We're going to swim in circles around the humans". The little sharks, their hunger already growing, were excited. One asked, "Can we eat them now?" Mother replied, "Not yet, dear. Just follow me".
They swam in circles, fins slightly above the water line. One of the young ones asked, "Can we do it now?" Mother replied, "Not yet honey. Follow me, and raise those fins a bit". The sharks circled the humans some more, their fins fully exposed to the humans. All of a sudden, Mother said, "Now!" and they all rushed in, feeding upon the humans, shredding their bodies in a feeding frenzy.
Once the sharks were finished, their bellies full, one young shark said, "Wow, Mom, that was good. I'm so full! But why did we circle the humans for so long? Why not rush right in?"
Mother replied, "Humans taste better once you scare the crap out of them".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dppc0/mother_sharks_and_her_offspring_were_swimming_one/
%
A couple nuclei are chilling in a bar.

One says "let's blow this joint," so they split.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dpnxn/a_couple_nuclei_are_chilling_in_a_bar/
%
I've been playing this new game on my phone quite a bit lately

It's called Verizon: Zero Bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dphfv/ive_been_playing_this_new_game_on_my_phone_quite/
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What do you call people who protect their yards?

Lawn Enforcement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dpfje/what_do_you_call_people_who_protect_their_yards/
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A woman on a train is refusing to let a tired soldier sit down

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.
The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.
The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.
The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.
Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dpdj6/a_woman_on_a_train_is_refusing_to_let_a_tired/
%
The old lady visits the doc with stomach problems...

An old lady in her 70s experiences some difficulty with her stomach and decides to visit the doctor. She tells the doctor that she thinks that she has the farts. The doctor frowns and subjects her to a full examination. After doing many tests, the doctor says, “Mam, congratulations, you are indeed pregnant.” Completely blown away, the old lady replies, “Doctor, you are mad! It is impossible at my age. Are you sure? Do you know how old I am?” The doctor shakes his head. She says, “I am 75!” The doctor excitedly replies, “Mam, I have thoroughly examined you, and I am sure you are pregnant. It is incredible! It is a medical breakthrough! Your story will be front-page news all over the world, and we will rewrite the Guinness Book of Records.” The old lady frowns, “Doctor, you have no idea what you are talking about! Do you know how old my husband is?!”. The doctor shakes his head again. “My husband is 93 years old!” The doctor says “Well, don't you worry. We are going to travel the world with this story. We will make a lot of money because this is indeed a medical breakthrough! Phone your husband immediately.” The doctor hands her the telephone, and she rings up her husband. Her husband answers with a long, “Hallloooo?” The old lady says, “You naughty bugger! Do you know you got me pregnant?” The old husband remained quiet for a minute or so and asked, “Who am I talking to now?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dp98v/the_old_lady_visits_the_doc_with_stomach_problems/
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I nearly beat up a psychic for being phony.

Too bad he saw it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dp5ti/i_nearly_beat_up_a_psychic_for_being_phony/
%
Dentists are racist and homophobic.

They want to make your teeth white and straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dp5id/dentists_are_racist_and_homophobic/
%
A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants.
The Bartender asks, "what's with the wheel?"
The pirate says, "Arrrr! It drives me nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dp5gh/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My doctor told me to avoid trans fats...

So bye bye Tumblr!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dp5em/my_doctor_told_me_to_avoid_trans_fats/
%
Don’t get into the business of coffin sales.

It’s the last thing anyone needs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dp508/dont_get_into_the_business_of_coffin_sales/
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NASA Mars Mission

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dp0ee/nasa_mars_mission/
%
Who's there?

Doctor!
Doctor who?
Yes.
knock knock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dozfv/whos_there/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee...

Hot and in the largest cup size.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dotrk/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Since today is 4/20, remember kids, drugs are never the answer

They are the question, and the answer is yes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8doqdx/since_today_is_420_remember_kids_drugs_are_never/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9. Why did 7 eat 9?

Because its doctor told it to eat three square meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dopv1/why_was_6_afraid_of_7_because_7_ate_9_why_did_7/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

If they fall forwards they’d still be on the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dop5i/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_off_the_boat/
%
“You miss 100% of the shots you take.”

- my high school coach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8doltl/you_miss_100_of_the_shots_you_take/
%
No matter how far you manage to throw a piece of paper

It is still stationery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dokzq/no_matter_how_far_you_manage_to_throw_a_piece_of/
%
I️ went to a zoo and saw a baguette being kept in a cage

The keeper told me it was bread in captivity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dok6k/i_went_to_a_zoo_and_saw_a_baguette_being_kept_in/
%
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dofgl/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
I'm getting tired of the 420 jokes

If I can be blunt about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8doaej/im_getting_tired_of_the_420_jokes/
%
What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8doa1n/what_has_two_legs_and_bleeds_a_lot/
%
My math teacher called me average

How mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8do3gk/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
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I wouldn't make a joke about any letter of the alphabet, because they could get annoyed...

Especially X. He is really gon give it to U.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8do3fz/i_wouldnt_make_a_joke_about_any_letter_of_the/
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Why'd the pizza hipster have a burnt tongue?

He ate it before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8do1j7/whyd_the_pizza_hipster_have_a_burnt_tongue/
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What's the difference between a cold dessert and an injured girlfriend?

One is ice cream and the other is a sore bae.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8do0td/whats_the_difference_between_a_cold_dessert_and/
%
What is an extreme sport?

Doing your homework while your teacher is collecting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dnxx4/what_is_an_extreme_sport/
%
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegans Club

But I'd swear I've never met herbivore.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dnxvb/this_girl_today_said_she_recognized_me_from_the/
%
Man and a little girl walk into the woods...

The little girl looks up at him and says 'I'm frightened', the man says 'You're frightened! I've to walk out of here on my own'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dnx0v/man_and_a_little_girl_walk_into_the_woods/
%
A couple decided to get married on 4/20.

It was a ‘joint’ decision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dntwh/a_couple_decided_to_get_married_on_420/
%
3 guys worked on top of the empire state building.

They all had the same stuff for lunch every day and they said if they had it again they would jump to their deaths.
The Irish guy had a different meal so he lived.
The German guy had a different meal so he lived.
The polish guy had the same meal so he jumped to his death.
when talking to the wife she said I don't know why he did this. he made his own lunch every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dnrfm/3_guys_worked_on_top_of_the_empire_state_building/
%
I once went 15 years without sex....

And then I turned 16

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dnnqq/i_once_went_15_years_without_sex/
%
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dnn8y/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_who_died/
%
Since it’s 4/20, here’s a quality repost

A monkey was in a tree smoking weed...
A lizard, walking by, looked up and saw him. "Yo, Monkey." Said the lizard. "What are you doing up there?"
The monkey looked down and answered him. "I'm smoking weed."
"Can I have some?" Asked the Lizard.
"Yeah, dude. Come on up here."
So the lizard climbed the tree and smoked weed with the monkey. They smoked and smoked until the lizard's mouth got dry and he became very thirsty. "Yo, Monkey." Said the lizard. "This weed is fire, but my mouth is so dry. Do you have any water?"
"Not on me." Said the monkey. "But there's a stream right over that hill and you can drink all the water you want there."
"Cool." Said the lizard, and he headed over to the stream. While he was drinking an alligator walked by."
"Yo, lizard." Said the alligator. You stoned as fuck."
"Haha, yeah," giggled the lizard.
"You got any more weed?" Asked the alligator.
"Not on me." Said the lizard, "but there's a monkey in the tree over there and he might have more."
The alligator walks over to the tree and yells up to the monkey. "Yo, monkey!" He yells. "Have you got any more of that weed?"
The monkey stared down at the alligator rubbing his eyes in disbelief. "Holy shit, lizard." He says. "How much water did you drink?!!"
I didn’t make this joke,
Simply a repost from awhile back, the original author deleted his account so I can’t give credit. :(((( thanks whoever you are common stoner :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dnkxb/since_its_420_heres_a_quality_repost/
%
I don't think my friends like my dark sense of humor.

They always say "Turn on the lights, asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dniu9/i_dont_think_my_friends_like_my_dark_sense_of/
%
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for centuries?

Christianity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dnft5/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
%
Stop me if you’ve heard this one...

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dnfna/stop_me_if_youve_heard_this_one/
%
I like to call steel beams "cats."

People often look at me oddly, but then I explain it to them:
"CFe lines!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dnf4z/i_like_to_call_steel_beams_cats/
%
I asked a Chinese girl for her phone number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dnb42/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_phone_number/
%
I was actually going to post a time travel joke...

But you guys didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dnat4/i_was_actually_going_to_post_a_time_travel_joke/
%
A blowjob will make your day

But anal will make your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dn97n/a_blowjob_will_make_your_day/
%
What plant will kill you in 5 min or less if you just stand under it

Water lily

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dn8ck/what_plant_will_kill_you_in_5_min_or_less_if_you/
%
I was wondering why a guy was throwing rocks at me

And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dn8bz/i_was_wondering_why_a_guy_was_throwing_rocks_at_me/
%
Eve wore a fig leaf in the garden but what did Adam wear?

He wore a hole in that fig leaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dn7sl/eve_wore_a_fig_leaf_in_the_garden_but_what_did/
%
An American man catches an STD while traveling through Asia

After having quite the sexual romp he starts to notice discomfort and discoloration around his groin. Afraid for the loss of his manhood he seeks out an American doctor out there for help.
The doctor looks him over and says "I'm sorry, it's going to need to be removed, it's too far gone"
Shaken, but not giving up, he gets a second opinion.. Sadly given the same answer....
After walking around in dismay, he sees what appears to be a cultural medicine shop.. At the end of his rope, and still unwilling to accept what the previous doctors said, he goes inside..
An older gentleman approaches him and the man tells him about the situation. The man asks him to expose his genitals so he can can examine him... "oh... That's not looking so good, what did the doctors tell you?". "They said they would have to remove it" he said... Shaking his head the old man says "no, no, no... We not need take it off" The man, so excited to hear starts jumping around screaming with joy... Once he stops and settles down, he sees the old man sitting there quietly..
"What's the problem? Where's this medicine for my dick?"
"I not finish speaking... We not need to take it off... Two days tops.. It fall off by itself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dn77r/an_american_man_catches_an_std_while_traveling/
%
I always save my eBay shopping for after I come back from 4/20

That way I'm always the highest bidder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dn1eh/i_always_save_my_ebay_shopping_for_after_i_come/
%
Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.

A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dn12c/otto_the_german_was_driving_from_germany_to_paris/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dmywa/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
Starbucks job interview

"What's your name?".
"Alyssa".
"Could you spell that please?".
"L A R I S S A".
"When can you start?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dmx6w/starbucks_job_interview/
%
Did you hear about the kid who refused to drink his Red Bull....

Now he’s grounded!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dmx3b/did_you_hear_about_the_kid_who_refused_to_drink/
%
A frog

telephones the Psychic Hotline. His personal psychic advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his advisor, "In her biology class."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dmwf5/a_frog/
%
I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dmw8n/im_really_good_friends_with_25_letters_of_the/
%
What is grey and comes in quarts?

An elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dmqvm/what_is_grey_and_comes_in_quarts/
%
What do you call a inter galactic smuggler with a masturbation addiction?

Hand Solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dmqhj/what_do_you_call_a_inter_galactic_smuggler_with_a/
%
"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dmpuq/your_eyes_look_red_said_the_cop_have_you_been/
%
A group of people of all genders walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer... The second orders half a beer... The third orders one quarter of a beer... The fourth orders one eighth of a beer...
The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies "cmon guys, know your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dmj59/a_group_of_people_of_all_genders_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I like my politicians how I like my women

Rich, white, and not afraid to fuck me in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dmg25/i_like_my_politicians_how_i_like_my_women/
%
A priest goes to the mechanic...

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage."
The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you."
The priest returns the following day, and he says, "well, how is it?"
The mechanic says, "we found the issue. it was a loose oil filter, and it won't be leaking again because I screwed it in tighter than a nun's cunt."
Solemnly, the priest looks the mechanic dead in the eye, and says, "better give it another quarter turn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dmf0f/a_priest_goes_to_the_mechanic/
%
What kind of coffee does The Godfather drink in the morning?

An alpuccino

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dmb9u/what_kind_of_coffee_does_the_godfather_drink_in/
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Tea Party

A dad was staying home with his 3 year old daughter while his wife was away to see family. The daughter, having recently gotten a tea set for her birthday, found it enjoyable to 'make tea' for her father. The tea being water. Each day the little girl would bring her father his 'tea' while he watched the evening news.
Upon her return the proud father, amused, demonstrated his parenting with his daughter by having her bring his daily cup of 'tea' to him while his wife watched with delight. Happy, the man turned to his wife and smiled to which the wife smiled back and informed the man that with the little girl only being three years old there was only one place she could reach to get water for his 'tea'... that being the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dm72a/tea_party/
%
I have three and a half legs, four arms but only two hands, two noses but only one nostril and one eye. What am I?

ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dm276/i_have_three_and_a_half_legs_four_arms_but_only/
%
I asked my wife to have a miscarriage, and she did.

She almost always delivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dm0nx/i_asked_my_wife_to_have_a_miscarriage_and_she_did/
%
I met a Jewish Girl over the weekend...

We hit it off and she asked me for my number, but I told her we use names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dlt3p/i_met_a_jewish_girl_over_the_weekend/
%
A man is looking for a prostitute,

He comes across a woman who says she can give a guy head while singing.
The man says "I'll give you $50, just tell me how you do it."
"No," she replies "Just let me do it."
He agrees.
They go into a hotel room and she starts blowing him while singing away.
The man says, "Turn on the lights and let me see how you're doing that."
She replies "Hold on, let me put my glass eye back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dlqx3/a_man_is_looking_for_a_prostitute/
%
I left my girlfriend because she was getting fat...

...and the excuse she gave me was “I’m pregnant”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dln2e/i_left_my_girlfriend_because_she_was_getting_fat/
%
Two old friends are in a pub reminiscing about their love live...

Pete: "John when I was 20, and ready to make love, mine was as hard as an iron rod, I could grab it with with 2 hands and it was impossible to bend it."
John replies: "Yeah, me too... two hands and impossible to bend, but when I turned 30 I could bend it a little bit with two hands"
Pete: "True, when I turned 40 I could bend it a little with just one hand"
John:"Yeah...same here...one hand... in my fifties I could actually bend it quite a lot with one hand"
Pete:"Me too, but in my sixties I could almost bend it in half with one hand"
"Yeah I can bend mine in half with one hand" John replies and takes a sip of his beer "..... Pete... how strong do you think we are going to get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dlkwn/two_old_friends_are_in_a_pub_reminiscing_about/
%
A university professor was preparing...

A university professor was preparing her students for the next day’s final:
“Other than a life-or-death emergency involving you or your family, you must be here tomorrow at taking this test. Your grade depends on it. No excuses!”
One wise guy in the back asked, “But what if I’m suffering from severe sexual exhaustion?”
After the laughter died down, the professor looked at him and said, “In that case, you’ll just have to take the test with your other hand.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dlhjk/a_university_professor_was_preparing/
%
You can’t say happiness

Without saying penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dleqo/you_cant_say_happiness/
%
I've never understood why homophobics wore clothes

because clothes come out of the closet and that's gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dlc35/ive_never_understood_why_homophobics_wore_clothes/
%
10 years ago today I married my best friend,

My wife's still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was really funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dlbmi/10_years_ago_today_i_married_my_best_friend/
%
Lettuce..

A: “Knock, knock.”
B: “Who’s there?”
A: “Lettuce.”
B: “Lettuce who?”
A: “Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dlad3/lettuce/
%
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN

Ha! I just foiled your plan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dl9vb/plan_papnlaln/
%
Why wasn’t Jesus born in the USA?

Because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dl4yx/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_the_usa/
%
Little Tommy goes to his mom...

Little Tommy goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, can I take the dog for a walk?”
His mom replies, “Not now, Tommy. She’s in heat.”
“What’s heat?” he asks.
“Your dad’s in the garage. Go ask him.”
Tommy finds his dad in the garage. He says, “Dad, I wanna take Daisy for a walk but mom says she’s in heat and to ask you.”
Tommy’s dad thinks for a minute, then says, “Bring Daisy over here.”
His dad pours some gasoline on a towel and rubs it all over Daisy’s hindquarters to mask the scent.
Then he says, “Okay, you can take her to the end of the block and back, but that’s all. Don’t stop, and come right back.”
Ten minutes later Tommy is back, but without Daisy.
“Where’s the dog?” his father asks.
“Well, when we got to the end of the block Daisy ran out of gas, so another dog is pushing her home.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dl4nl/little_tommy_goes_to_his_mom/
%
Two old friends are catching up after some time apart

The first man (Jim) asks the other "So what are you up to these days?"
The second man (Tom) replies "Well I just recently opened up a brothel."
"Oh wow that's pretty crazy! Wasn't expecting to hear that... so how much do you charge for blowjobs?" asks Jim.
"$150" says Tom.
"I see," says Jim. "And how much for anal sex?"
Tom answers, "$200."
Jim nods and says, "Not bad, not bad... now how much for the regular sex?"
Tom pauses for a second and replies, "Well to be honest, I'm not sure. I'm just working alone at the moment."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dl17e/two_old_friends_are_catching_up_after_some_time/
%
What's the difference between a soybean and a chickpea?

Donald Trump wouldn't pay $500 to have a soybean in his mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dl0ij/whats_the_difference_between_a_soybean_and_a/
%
What did they change the name of the Ford Bronco to when O.J. Simpson got acquitted?

The Ford Escape!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dkw99/what_did_they_change_the_name_of_the_ford_bronco/
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A husband’s new wife really wants...

A husband’s new wife really wants to go on a cruise for their honeymoon. The husband agrees, even though he tends to get horribly seasick on the water.
So the day before the wedding, he goes to a drugstore. He gets a jumbo pack of condoms, and the largest bottle of dramamine in the store.
At the checkout counter, the cashier looks at his condoms and dramamine and asks, “If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dkvn1/a_husbands_new_wife_really_wants/
%
Remember, tomorrow is Adolf Hitler’s birthday

I’ve got a cake all ready for him in the oven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dkst2/remember_tomorrow_is_adolf_hitlers_birthday/
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What was the name of the physician who could smell the future?

Nostrildamus
I made it myself and was proud enough to post it! :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dkphq/what_was_the_name_of_the_physician_who_could/
%
One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam.

At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furiously, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.
The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"
The prof said, "No and I don't care."
The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"
The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in
the middle then threw the papers in the air.
"Good," the student said and walked out. He passed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dkopy/one_day_a_student_was_taking_a_very_difficult/
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What do you do when your woman starts smoking in bed....?

You slow down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dkod9/what_do_you_do_when_your_woman_starts_smoking_in/
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A New Bed Size

Forget a California King! A West Virginia King has enough space for the whole family!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dko7m/a_new_bed_size/
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A penguin is driving down the road and her car starts making a funny noise...

She finds a repair shop and drops it off to get it repaired. While she’s waiting, she notices an ice cream shop nearby, so she goes over to get a cone. On her way back, the ice cream starts to melt and ends up getting on her lips and around her mouth.  Walking up to her car, the mechanic lifts his head out from under the hood and says, “Looks like you blew a seal”, and she responds, “IT’S JUST ICE CREAM.”
(Disclaimer: This is not a repost. I heard this joke a million years ago and just subscribed a few weeks ago and haven’t seen this joke yet, so if somebody’s already posted it, I didn’t copy it. It came back to me after reading a different joke about a penguin. Hope I don’t get the obligatory repost comments - fingers crossed)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dknon/a_penguin_is_driving_down_the_road_and_her_car/
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v

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me"
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"
Edit2: The other one works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dkklp/v/
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a group of friends go on their annual hunting trip

Every year a group of friends get together for a few days during deer season. They take turns bringing their favorite chili and try to outdo each other with the hottest chili. They all arrive this year and start their annual beer/nasty chili celebration prior to going hunting early the next morning. So they sit around and eat rot-gut chili and drink beer until the early morning hours. Totally drunk on their asses, they try to get some shut-eye before the early morning hunt. The next morning they wake up early and head out walking in the woods to find some good spots. Bob is having some trouble, last night chili and beer seem to have done him in. He's walking slowly and behind his friends. Finally he can't take it anymore and tells his friends to go on without him. After his friends leave, Bob drops his pants and leans back against a tree trying to take a dump and get rid of some of that chili. Soon, he passes out.  In the meantime, his friends get a couple deer and decide to head back to camp. On their way back, they run into Bob still passed out against the tree. They decide to play a trick on Bob and clean their deer and throw all of the deer's innards underneath Bob and return back to camp. A couple hours later, Bob returns to camp in agony, limping in with this big walking stick. His friends ask him if he's okay and Bob says, "man, i think i shit my guts out, that chili was horrible. But with the help of God and this big stick, I got'em all back up in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dkjyd/a_group_of_friends_go_on_their_annual_hunting_trip/
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How many teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's not on the state standardized test and light bulbs aren't in the budget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dkjql/how_many_teachers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.

I'll call it Leper-Con.
Half price admission for the wee folk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dkf2r/i_want_to_create_a_convention_for_irish_folks_who/
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Barack and Trump found themselves at a local barbershop. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, saying, "No thanks. My wife, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dkezq/barack_and_trump_found_themselves_at_a_local/
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What state is Chicago in?

ILL.
An old joke, yes, but just as relevant now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dkdjw/what_state_is_chicago_in/
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under one arm and says,

“A beer please, and one for the road,”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dkb6q/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_slab_of_asphalt/
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What’s the big deal with same-sex marriage? I’ve been having the same sex with my wife for years.

She’s a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dk9ni/whats_the_big_deal_with_samesex_marriage_ive_been/
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Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dk8mk/given_the_terms_crab_tuna_lobster_and_chinese_guy/
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What's the one food guaranteed to kill a woman’s sex drive?

Wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dk69l/whats_the_one_food_guaranteed_to_kill_a_womans/
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I got fired from a calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dk4i8/i_got_fired_from_a_calendar_factory/
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An economist, a chemist, and a physicist are stranded on an island with nothing to eat but a can of beans.

The chemist says, "Hey, there's a small tide pool of salt water over there. If we set the can in it the salinity will cause the can to rust/disintegrate and we can eat the beans." The physicist laughed and said, " You moron, by the time the salt eats through the can, we will have died of  hunger. We must make a fire with that dried grass and wood over there. We can heat the can until the pressure builds and it will explode, allowing us to eat the beans." At this, the economist laughed, " You're a moron too, if the can explodes, the beans will shoot everywhere and we'll have none to eat." So, the physicist and the chemist, both tired and hungry asked, " Ok, if you know what to do, TELL US." To that the economist replied, "Easy, we assume we have a can opener".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dk3oj/an_economist_a_chemist_and_a_physicist_are/
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I just found my first gray pubic hair, and am happy and sad at the same time...

Happy it was not mine, sad that I found it in my Burger King whopper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dk1zl/i_just_found_my_first_gray_pubic_hair_and_am/
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What's the fastest way to double your money?

Fold it in half
^^....I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dk0h5/whats_the_fastest_way_to_double_your_money/
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What do you say to someone with an IQ of 15?

Nice weld.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dk07b/what_do_you_say_to_someone_with_an_iq_of_15/
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[long] A snail in a fast car

By some quirk of fortune a snail gained sentience and ended up winning the lottery. With his new found wealth he was pondering what to do so he hatched a plan. He headed off down to his nearest Porsche dealership and when he arrived 2 weeks later he crawled up to the salesman.
"excuse me" the snail said "I would like to purchase your fastest Porsche please"
After getting over the shock of seeing a talking snail, the salesman said "and how would you, a snail, pay for one of our cars"
The snail, being smart, had thought of this and had dragged a suitcase of cash behind him, presenting this to the salesman made things go much faster and pretty soon the snail found himself in the process of ordering one of the fastest cars the dealership could offer.
"there is one thing" the snail said, "I would like a custom paint job on my car please".
"well" said the dealer "we can do that, it just takes an extra few thousand dollars and 4-6 weeks, what would you like?"
"the money and time is no issue", said the snail, "what I would like is for the car to be bright red in color, but can you please paint a great big 'S' on the roof in yellow paint, and then can you paint a great big 'S' on the drivers side, and passenger side doors please".
well this was an unusual request, but hell, this was a car for a snail so it wasn't the most unusual part of the deal so it was agreed. The snail headed off home and then when he got there he turned around and came back to pick up his car.
Arriving to pick up his car he was pleased to see that it was bright red in color, with a big yellow S on the doors, and a big yellow S on the roof.
"well here you go" said the salesman, "we were wondering though.. why do you want the big yellow S on the door and roof, is it for snail?".
"no" said the snail.. " you see.. I asked for the fastest car you have, and I plan on driving it down the freeway and going past all the other drivers.. and when they see me going past them at a breakneck speed, I want them to look to their friends and say 'wow!!! look at that S car go....'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djyud/long_a_snail_in_a_fast_car/
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What do you call a Scandinavian who only eats plants?

A Nor-vegan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djwq6/what_do_you_call_a_scandinavian_who_only_eats/
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I bumped into an old school friend today...

He said "life is great! I live in a $2 million mansion!"
I said "that's nice, I live under a $5 million bridge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dju5g/i_bumped_into_an_old_school_friend_today/
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A fish watched a fly six inches above the water...

He thought,  “if that fly would drop 6 inches I would have lunch.”
A bear was watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, If that fly would drop 6 inches the fish would come up and get the fly, I could reach the fish and have lunch.”
A hunter was watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, “If the fly dropped 6 inches the fish would catch the fly, the bear would step forward and catch the fish, and I could shoot the bear.”
A rat was watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, “If the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would stand to shoot the bear and his sandwich would fall out and I’d have lunch.”
A cat was watching all this happening. He thought, “If the fly drops 6 inches the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will get the bear, the rat will come out his hole for the sandwich and I’ll get lunch.”
The fly dropped six inches.
The fish caught the fly.
The bear stepped out and caught the fish.
The hunter stood and shot the bear.
The rat jumped out and got the sandwich.
The cat jumps out after the rat and falls in the creek.
The moral of this story is every time a fly drops six inches a pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djq8i/a_fish_watched_a_fly_six_inches_above_the_water/
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Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One asks the other, “Hey, wanna go inside and get shit-faced?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djpbx/two_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
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I once went to a costume party dressed as an chicken and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg. We answered a age old question that night.

The chicken came first but the egg does anal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djo95/i_once_went_to_a_costume_party_dressed_as_an/
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There are three types of person in the world.

People who know how to count, and people who don't know...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djlsn/there_are_three_types_of_person_in_the_world/
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What is a cats greatest goal in life?

To have a Purrrposeful existence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djkd7/what_is_a_cats_greatest_goal_in_life/
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A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew.

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.
Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorry, but I just can’t hold back anymore. How did you get your peg leg?”
The captain says “arr, ‘twas me first day at see as a young lad. A great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me out, a giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off me leg.”
The man goes “That sounds terrible! What happened to your hand?”
The captain says “arr, ‘twas me second day at sea. Another great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me up, the giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off my hand.”
The man tells the captain it sounds like the fish has it out for him, and asks what happens to his eye.
The Captain says “arr, ‘twas me third day at see. I was looking up at the sky when a bird came and shat in me eye”
The man says “and that’s how you lost your eye?”
The captain responds “no, but twas me first day with the hook”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djjtj/a_man_decides_to_quit_his_job_and_run_away_to/
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Why is English considered the easiest language to learn?

Because even the Americans are decent at it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djjrq/why_is_english_considered_the_easiest_language_to/
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I bumped into an old school friend today

He was going on and on about how expensive his new car was.
So long story short my insurance rates are going up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djjpd/i_bumped_into_an_old_school_friend_today/
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How does NASA identify dead planets?

They look through the orbituaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djhxn/how_does_nasa_identify_dead_planets/
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ur mom is so fat

she runs at 30 fps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djfm7/ur_mom_is_so_fat/
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Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a dude...

It feels great, until you look down and realise how gay you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djdr2/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blowjob_from_a/
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Confucius says, that it is good to meet girl in park...

...but it is better to park meat in girl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djd6c/confucius_says_that_it_is_good_to_meet_girl_in/
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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye

But she was seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8djcka/i_used_to_date_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
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I led a band in the 80s called "Prevention"...

I would argue we were better than the Cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dj89r/i_led_a_band_in_the_80s_called_prevention/
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Bubba the Entrepreneur

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads:
“Suits $5.00 each!
Shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each”
Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ’em back to Sand Mountain, sell ‘em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talking’ ’cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I’ll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so’s they don't know we are from Alabama.”
They go in and Bubba says, with his best fake Georgia drawl, “I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and…”
The owner of the shop interrupts, “Ya’ll from Alabama, ain’t ya?”
"Well…yeah,” says a surprised Bubba…."How come you knowed that?”
"Because this is a dry cleaners”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dj830/bubba_the_entrepreneur/
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My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender

I told her "how about just one boy and one girl?  I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dj28s/my_wife_said_she_wanted_just_one_child_of_each/
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There is a penguin driving through the desert...

when his A/C suddenly stops working. So he decides to stop at the next town. He pulls into a mechanic's garage and tells him the situation. He asks if there is anywhere he can go to cool down while waiting.  The mechanic tells the penguin about a grocery store across the street, with a frozen food section.
Excited, the penguin waddles across the street and goes straight for the freezers. He sees his favorite ice cream (penguins love vanilla ice cream) and can't resist. He goes to town, beak first on a gallon of ice cream and gets it all over himself. He then pays for the ice cream and goes back to the shop.
Back at the shop, the mechanic tells him his car is ready.  The penguin asks "What was wrong with the A/C?" The mechanic tells him "looks like you blew a seal."  To which the penguin replies: "no... that's just vanilla ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dizdg/there_is_a_penguin_driving_through_the_desert/
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Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dix3q/q_how_do_you_make_five_pounds_of_fat_look_good/
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A bomb defusers life advice I live by

I asked him "Don't you get nervous about defusing the bomb?"
He shrugged and said "Either I'm right or its not my problem anymore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dis90/a_bomb_defusers_life_advice_i_live_by/
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A dwarf is sent to prison for securities fraud

One night he is able to slip under the fence and escape. He runs into the woods for as long as he can, and decides to hide in a tree, in case the guards come to track him down. After some time he falls asleep, being exhausted from running so far. He dreams of freedom and spending his hidden fortune.
He wakes up to the loud braying of a hound dog, and fears that he's been caught by the prison guards. To his relief, he looks at the base of the tree and sees two coon hunters and their hound. By the appearance of these men, he believes he can negotiate with them for his freedom.
"Gentlemen," he says "as you can see from my prison uniform, I could really use some assitance. You see, if you will quiet your dog and help me get to civilization I will make you rich! The richest men in your whole trailer park! You'll be able to afford the finer things in life, and pull yourselves from your impoverished hillbilly lifestyle!"
The men agree, and call off their hound. The dwarf, full of hope, begins climbing to the ground. One hunter looks excitedly at the other.
"Do you think we can trust this guy?" He says.
"I don't know," the other responds, "he's a little condescending ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8diq7k/a_dwarf_is_sent_to_prison_for_securities_fraud/
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What does spinach and anal sex have in common?

You hate it as an adult, if you were forced to have it as a child..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dipoq/what_does_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
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TIFU and got fired for "sexual harassment". All I did was say a woman's hair smelled nice.

I swear, the world has got it in for us midgets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dimth/tifu_and_got_fired_for_sexual_harassment_all_i/
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A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a Tree..

Upon arrival to the tree he started swinging at the tree.
"But, I'm a talking tree" said the tree.
"And you will dialogue" replied the lumberjack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8difii/a_lumberjack_went_to_a_magic_forest_to_cut_a_tree/
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Why did Houdini start using trap doors in his routine?

It was just a stage he was going through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dic8h/why_did_houdini_start_using_trap_doors_in_his/
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Doctor of logic

Two Irish men are sitting down in a pub. They notice a man walk in with an amazing suit on. They both start talking about what job he has. So one of the Irishmen goes over and asks what job he has.
Irishman-"Excuse me mate, that's a lovely suit you've got there, could I ask you what job you have, me and my mate are curious"
Doctor-" yes, I'm a doctor of logic"
Irishman-"what's a doctor of logic"
Doctor-"well let me explain to you. Do you have any goldfish?"
Irishman-"why yes I do actually, I have 6"
Doctor-"well logic tells me you have a pond"
Irishman-"that's right, I do have a pond"
Doctor-"now logic tells me you have a big garden because of that pond"
Irishman-" that's correct"
Doctor-"next I can assume that you have a big house with either 4 or 5 bedrooms"
Irishman-"wow, I have a 5 bedroom house"
Doctor-"now, logic tells me that you have 3 or 4 kids"
Irishman-"I have 4 beautiful children, this is amazing"
Doctor-"from this I can tell that your wife is very good in bed and satisfies your needs"
Irishman-"yeah, she's like no other women I've ever been with"
Doctor-" well logic tells me that you don't wank because of how good your wife is in bed"
Irishman-" wow this is unbelievable you're right"
Doctor-" see from asking if you had goldfish I was able to work out that you don't wank, because of logic"
The Irishman goes back to his mate who asks what his job was.
Irishman-" he's a doctor of logic"
Irishman's friend "what on earth is that"
Irishman-" let me explain. Do you own any goldfish?"
Irishman's friend-"no, I don't own any"
Irishman-"well, you're a wanker"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8di8rf/doctor_of_logic/
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Guy walks into an exotic bar looking for something to eat.

He studies the fancy menu for a moment, then decides on the 'Half Roast Donkey'.
Having never tried this before, and being quite a large gentleman, he slams his fist on the bar and shouts, "Full Roast Donkey, NOW!"
"No", says the barman, "I can't serve an ass whole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8di8df/guy_walks_into_an_exotic_bar_looking_for/
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I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank You!"...

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome." He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8di2jy/i_held_the_door_open_for_an_old_japanese_man_and/
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I like my work like I like my steak

Rare and definitely not well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dhzvi/i_like_my_work_like_i_like_my_steak/
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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She however offered me a penguin blowjob. I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal. She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things were heating up, she stopped, turned around and started walking away. I ran after her with my trousers and underpants still around my ankles pleading for her to finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dhz6w/penguin_blowjob/
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My girlfriend is very strange...

When we go to bed, she starts placing slices of beetroot circling her muff.
Every time I ask her about it she goes off on one about how great salads are...
"Jeez", I thought, "why does she always have to beet around the bush".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dhy4d/my_girlfriend_is_very_strange/
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dhxrt/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
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So i poured my root beer in a square cup

and now its just beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dhxiy/so_i_poured_my_root_beer_in_a_square_cup/
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Three friends came into the bar

and started eating their sandwiches.
The barman said to them "You can't eat your food here.".
So they exchanged their sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dhwzt/three_friends_came_into_the_bar/
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A horse is sitting at home watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says.
Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool.
Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "Hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dhtkv/a_horse_is_sitting_at_home_watching_mtv/
%
I hate spelling mistakes.

Mix up two letters and your entire post is urined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dhqog/i_hate_spelling_mistakes/
%
A drunk brings home a friend after a night of drinking

Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it.
"What's that?" he asks the drunk.
"Th-tha's my talking clock!" The drunk stutters. "It's a little vulgar, though."
The friend wants to know how the clock works, so the drunk grabs the sledge and hammers away at the plate, making a ton of noise.
Almost immediately, there's a voice: "IT'S THREE AM YOU FUCKING CUNT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dhl1j/a_drunk_brings_home_a_friend_after_a_night_of/
%
I showed my sterile friend a photo of my son.

He just couldn’t conceive of such a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dhkkf/i_showed_my_sterile_friend_a_photo_of_my_son/
%
My teacher told a joke today in class, and I thought I would share it here

He said, "When brain transplants are possible, I would get a brain of a racist. You know why? Because they have never been used before".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dheiq/my_teacher_told_a_joke_today_in_class_and_i/
%
OK Joke

So, my boss recently fired me and he sent me an email that read "I did not want to fire you, but I had to. You were slacking on every project I assigned to you and you get too easily distracted. Please stop by and pick up your things, OK? I expect to see that your office is empty by Saturday."
I then realized how much OK resembled a stick-man.
(I found this on my home computer in a file called "OK Joke.txt". I have no idea where it came from.  Also, I'm supposed to be working now.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dh4h7/ok_joke/
%
Welder joke

A welder sees an ad for help and a metals shop. $18-$25 per hour. He goes in and asks about the job. They give him some metal to weld and tells him to bring it back when he's done. The welder brings back two welds. The first one is beautiful. Pristine beads, straight as an arrow. The shop owner complements him on such fine work. The second weld is sloppy and unappealing. The shop owner asks "what's up with the difference in welds?" The welder says, "the first one is $25 an hour and the second one is $18".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dh12s/welder_joke/
%
What do you get when you cross a cow, an octopus, and a man?

a reprimand from the ethics commissioner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dgxlg/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cow_an_octopus/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dgwud/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
If life gives you melons...

then you're probably dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dgw71/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
How can you spot Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?

He has sesame seeds on his buns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dgswg/how_can_you_spot_ronald_mcdonald_on_a_nude_beach/
%
What's the difference between a squirrel and a cannibal necrophiliac?

One eats nuts and berries, the other nuts, eats then buries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dgpwb/whats_the_difference_between_a_squirrel_and_a/
%
I have a bag with a crucifix, Buddha, and the Quran inside.

Is this sacrilegious?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dgnur/i_have_a_bag_with_a_crucifix_buddha_and_the_quran/
%
What did the grape say when it was pinched

nothing, it gave a little wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dgkvb/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_was_pinched/
%
You know what's gay?

Homosexuality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dgibl/you_know_whats_gay/
%
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician see a black sheep while riding a train in England...

The engineer says: oh, there are black sheep in England
The physicist says: no... there is at least ONE black sheep in England
The mathematician says: no. In England there is at least ONE sheep of which at least ONE side of it is black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dgi21/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_a_mathematician_see_a/
%
Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dggnn/give_a_man_a_fish_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
%
Bald Guy

So my friend says to me, "Damn your head feels just like my g/f's butt" I'm like "Yes, it does doesn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dgem0/bald_guy/
%
I ran into an old friend last week

Let's be real ... Gertrude was going to die soon anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dgdor/i_ran_into_an_old_friend_last_week/
%
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dgazb/i_had_a_dream_that_i_was_a_muffler_last_night/
%
A jewish girl asked for my number

I told that where I live we use names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dg65y/a_jewish_girl_asked_for_my_number/
%
I went to make a joke on the Para-Olympic's YouTube channel

but the comments were disabled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dg3vb/i_went_to_make_a_joke_on_the_paraolympics_youtube/
%
When the teenage daughter has been knocked up.

A teenage girl goes to her mother and tells her that she is pregnant. The mother is outraged by this news.
"Who is this scumbag who has done this to you? I demand to know who it is!"
The girl calls the father-to-be. 30 minutes later, a fancy limousine parks next to the house and a distinguished gentleman steps out.
"I am indeed the child's father. Unfortunately, I cannot marry due to my own family situation. However, I will take responsibility for what has happened," the gentleman tells the mother.
"If she gives birth to a boy, I will give him an account of $40 million and a factory. If it's a girl, I will give her an account of $40 million and a clothing store. If it is twins, they'll each get an account of $25 million and a factory or clothing store to share. If she miscarriages, I really don't know what to do. Do you have any suggestions?"
The father of the family has been quiet up to this point. He places a firm hand on the gentleman's shoulder and says:
"Then you bang her one more time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dg16r/when_the_teenage_daughter_has_been_knocked_up/
%
An old lady goes to the doctor

and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dfz0f/an_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dfwps/its_a_shame_that_steven_hawking_died/
%
Did you hear about Captain Kirk's lingerie line?

it went bust.
No one wanted to wear shatner panties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dfwms/did_you_hear_about_captain_kirks_lingerie_line/
%
A man and his 6 year old son are walking in a park

They see a couple of dogs having sex and the son being curious asks his dad what they are doing. The dad responds “they’re making a puppy” and the son seems satisfied with that answer.
Later that night after they go home, the boy has a bad dream and goes into his parents room. When he opens the door he sees his dad on top of his mom and he asks them what they’re doing. The dad responds “Mom and I are making a baby” and the son says “flip her over, I want a puppy”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dfvut/a_man_and_his_6_year_old_son_are_walking_in_a_park/
%
Roses are red, here's something new...

Violets are violet. Not fucking blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dfrmy/roses_are_red_heres_something_new/
%
Have you heard the new knock-knock joke?

It doesn't ring a bell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dfpp7/have_you_heard_the_new_knockknock_joke/
%
What does a snowman have in common with an ocean?

They're both bodies of water!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dflmu/what_does_a_snowman_have_in_common_with_an_ocean/
%
Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?

Ans: (First, change the above term "wife" to "traffic" so that the good people are happy.) Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can't beat a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dfh0h/given_the_words_wife_odds_egg_and_blowjob_which/
%
I used to not like having cancer that much,

But now it's starting to grow on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dfgj9/i_used_to_not_like_having_cancer_that_much/
%
Last night I bought my friend a lifetime supply of Peach Ice Cream

He has cancer, in Hospice, and the Doctors have given him two weeks tops.
Some people like Dark Humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dff0d/last_night_i_bought_my_friend_a_lifetime_supply/
%
The Toothbrush Salesman

A man had recently lost his job when he saw an ad in the local paper for a position selling toothbrushes. He went to the address and met with the boss.  The boss liked him and decided to give him a shot.
“We’ll start you out with 10 toothbrushes” said the boss.  “Once you sell those, come back for more.
The man was so excited and he ran out the door to start selling. About an hour later he returned, having sold his first 10.
The boss was shocked - nobody could sell 10 toothbrushes in an hour. So, he gave him 100, and told him to come back when he sold those.
The man returned the next morning, and had sold all 100. The boss was amazed!  He then gave him 100 more.  The man sold them within a day.
This went on for a week, the man selling about 100 toothbrushes a day, until finally the boss was just blown away. The next morning he asked him.
“You’ve sold more toothbrushes than anyone in our company’s history!  How do you do it!?”
“Simple!” Said the man.  “First, I walk up to someone on the street and ask them if they’d like a piece of chocolate”.
He then handed his boss a piece of chocolate.  The boss looked at it, and took a bite.
“That tastes like shit!!” Screamed the boss.
The man replied.
“It is shit!! Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dfegi/the_toothbrush_salesman/
%
An old lady goes to the doctor

and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dfedw/an_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
One Guinness please

"Ma'am, I'd like to order a Guiness."
"You must be Irish."
"Oh, so ordering a Guiness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"I didn't..."
"And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?"
"No, but..."
"So why exactly do you think I'm Irish then?"
"Sir, this is a book store."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8df7v4/one_guinness_please/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his daughter in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8df5cd/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
It rained for days, and the flood came.

Everybody was leaving the village except Bob. Seeing him still there, they came on two pick-ups. Signaling Bob to come over.
"I am a man of deep faith" explained Bob to his neighbors. "I don't need to flee my village. God will protect me."
&nbsp;
The water kept rising, and when it was knee high the Sheriff's SUV stopped in front of Bob's house.
"Come on Bob!" Screamed the Sheriff. "You're gonna drown!"
"I. AM. A MAN. OF FAITH!" Screamed back Bob from the top floor. "GOD WILL SAVE ME!"
&nbsp;
The water kept rising and rising until it completely covered the houses. Bob stood on tiptoes over his roof to keep his face over the water.
At that moment, a motorboat approached from the distance.
"Guys! We have a survivor here! Hey! Come to the boat, we're leaving!"
Bob, face up, barely an inch over the water level, said in a tiny voice: "man of faith"... "God will save"
&nbsp;
Finally, the boat had to leave. The water kept rising, and Bob drowned.
As he got to the doors of Heaven Bob was fuming.
He spat at saint Peter's feet, kicked the doors open and went straight to God.
"WHY! I was a man of faith! Why didn't you save me?"
God was surprised.
"Bob?" He said in his deep voice. "The fuck are you talking about?  I sent two pick-ups an SUV and a fucking motorboat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8df3lb/it_rained_for_days_and_the_flood_came/
%
Why do people in wheelchairs get bullied ?

Because they can't stand up for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8df2cy/why_do_people_in_wheelchairs_get_bullied/
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Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment?

Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8df0de/interviewer_what_are_your_thoughts_about_nepotism/
%
A teacher asked me

“If I gave you £20 and you gave £5 to Katie, £5 to Claire and £5 to Lauren, what would you have?”
Apparently, 3 blowjobs and a kebab is not the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8deyv4/a_teacher_asked_me/
%
If I had a dollar for every corrupt politician...

I could probably buy one of them out in Congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8deyut/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_corrupt_politician/
%
A little boy and his friends are being.....

“A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dexqa/a_little_boy_and_his_friends_are_being/
%
Why do lots of Americans wear tank tops?

Because they have the right to bare arms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dex30/why_do_lots_of_americans_wear_tank_tops/
%
My sister had her first period.

She's doing a bloody good job in English class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dew7z/my_sister_had_her_first_period/
%
Why do Spanish-speakers only use the fire extinguisher when they burn the cheese?

Because they were told, “only use in queso emergency”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8devte/why_do_spanishspeakers_only_use_the_fire/
%
My Girlfriend is like the square root of -100

Imaginary, but still a perfect 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8deswg/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
You’re as thicc as a pirates booty

Seven c’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8des7v/youre_as_thicc_as_a_pirates_booty/
%
What did the hungry clock do?

It went back 4 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8des3m/what_did_the_hungry_clock_do/
%
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school.

The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher."
She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room.
When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face.
He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher."
The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home.
His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8deqyo/after_picking_her_son_up_from_school_one_day_the/
%
Do Catholics fail trigonometry...

cause they are afraid of sin?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8depp5/do_catholics_fail_trigonometry/
%
I phoned the Drugs Awareness helpline today.

"Can I speak to the Cocaine Councillor please" I asked. "You'll have to wait" he replied,"he's on another line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8deplr/i_phoned_the_drugs_awareness_helpline_today/
%
You have to go to college

me: you have to go to college
son: but why though?
me: to be able get nice things (shows him my watch) you see this?
son: yeah
me: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
(From Internet)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dep64/you_have_to_go_to_college/
%
Two hunters are in the woods, suddenly one of them drops to the ground.

The other one quickly decides to phone the emergency services.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"Help me! I'm in the forest and my friend just died!"
"Calm down sir, first, can you make sure he's dead?"
**Bang**
"Okay, what do I do now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dejz4/two_hunters_are_in_the_woods_suddenly_one_of_them/
%
A Devout Woman Buys a Pet Parrot

and teaches it prayers. A few days later, she invites the local priest for dinner.
"Father, if you lift the parrot's left leg, you'll find it recites a Hail Mary. If you lift the right, it will say an Our Father"
"Marvelous!" says the priest. "But I do wonder what would happen if I were to lift both legs at once?"
"I'd fall on my ass, you idiot", says the parrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dehyp/a_devout_woman_buys_a_pet_parrot/
%
Three boysouts are on a camping trip

They cook dinner on a fire and then all go to sleep. Later that night the scout in the middle wakes up the one to his left and says"look up at the sky, see all the stars and the moon, what does that mean to you?"
The the left scout says "I guess it means that god is watching over us and he wants us to enjoy the beautiful creations he made"
The middle scout gets frustrated and wakes up the scout to his right and says"look up at the sky, see all the stars and the moon, what does that mean to you?"
The right scout says"It means that tomorrow morning will be a clear day and perfect weather to enjoy our camping trip"
The middle scout yells"no you morons, it means someone stole our fucking tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8defch/three_boysouts_are_on_a_camping_trip/
%
I once overheard my Ex tell her best friend that i was a stalker

It nearly made me mad enough to come out of the closet and give her a piece of my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8deeul/i_once_overheard_my_ex_tell_her_best_friend_that/
%
Earlier today a German Shepard jumped over the fence and took a shit on my lawn

Then 30 minutes later his dog came and did the same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dedxu/earlier_today_a_german_shepard_jumped_over_the/
%
The lesbian couple upstairs gave me a new Rolex for my birthday

It's really nice, but I think they misunderstood when I told them "I wanna watch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8de9z7/the_lesbian_couple_upstairs_gave_me_a_new_rolex/
%
What's the safest sport?

Pole vault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8de9p8/whats_the_safest_sport/
%
Roses are red, Cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8de8o8/roses_are_red_cellos_are_brown/
%
I bumped into an old school friend today

. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8de5rt/i_bumped_into_an_old_school_friend_today/
%
The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.
One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean, leave no trace. And since I'm a big fan of your legend, I'd like to be there when you assassinate the target". The assassin agrees.
With carefully planned tactics, the assassin infiltrates the rival gang on the pretence of capturing the mob leader.
Finally, in the room with the mob leader and the rival leader, the assassin aims his pistol at the target and counts.
\*uno\*
\*dos\*
\*BANG\*
The rival drops dead.
"But I thought you count to three", said the mob leader.
"Sí" replied the assassin. "But you said leave no tres".
*****
EDIT2: I just learnt the actual pronunciation of the word "très". This joke makes no sense now. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8de1ax/the_spanish_assassin/
%
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant

and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. "Oh my, I am so sorry," she says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can't believe his luck. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddyog/this_guy_is_dining_alone_in_a_fancy_restaurant/
%
Why should you always knock before opening the Fridge?

Incase there is a salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dduzs/why_should_you_always_knock_before_opening_the/
%
Who decided to call it "marijuana possession"...

...and not "joint custody?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddu2j/who_decided_to_call_it_marijuana_possession/
%
Albert Einstein, Issac Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

They play rock-paper-scissors to choose the seeker. A. Einstein is left so he has to be te seeker. He starts counting down from 10.
Pascal hides in a bush bearby, but Newton remains in plain sight. He draws a square with an area of 1m^2 and stays in it.
Einstein's countdown ends. 3.... 2.... 1....
He turns around and sees Isaac Newton in plain sight. He tells him:
"Ha, found you, Newton!"
I. Newton responds while nodding:
"You didn't find me, because 1N/1m^2 =1 Pascal. So it's Pascal who you found!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddtni/albert_einstein_issac_newton_and_pascal_are/
%
Past, Future and Present

Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddr69/past_future_and_present/
%
I was offered $5,000 to sell my account to an advertisement firm

It was a tempting offer, but in the end I had to decline. My morals are strong and intentions are good, just like the wonderful people at Nestle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddr06/i_was_offered_5000_to_sell_my_account_to_an/
%
What do you call your government representative?

Anything you want; he's not listening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddqfo/what_do_you_call_your_government_representative/
%
The Mom app.

I had a blind date last night. But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.
Turns out, There's an app for that.
It's called "Mom, Are You OK?". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.
If you like her, you ignore it.
If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"
It works every time.
So I knocked on the girl's door. Turns out I needn't have worried.
She was gorgeous!
I couldn't get over how attractive she was!!
Just as I was about to speak to her, her phone rang!!!
She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?" !!!!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddp41/the_mom_app/
%
A German is in the supermarket when he passes by a loaf of bread and greets it

It had a gluten tag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddntr/a_german_is_in_the_supermarket_when_he_passes_by/
%
Kiss goodbye

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddmna/kiss_goodbye/
%
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen...

...boys develop them around the age of forty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddlso/it_has_been_scientifically_proven_that_girls/
%
Programmers are so sexist...

They treat their dates as objects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddlhx/programmers_are_so_sexist/
%
Did you see Kylo Ren at his recital?

I heard he killed the solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddjyp/did_you_see_kylo_ren_at_his_recital/
%
A priest, an immam and a rabbi are discussing the miracles in their lives that had truly cemented their respective faiths.

The priest says "once I was out on a boat, and a storm hit. The boat was about to capsize, but when I prayed to God suddenly the oceans 100 feet around us became calm".
The immam says "that is good, but once I was in the middle of a warzone with bullets flying through the air all around me. I prayed to Allah and suddenly, 100 feet all around me the fighting stopped and there was peace".
The rabbi finally says "they are both pretty good, but once I was walking along on the Sabbath when I stumbled across $1000 lying on the road. As it was a Saturday it is forbidden to pick it up, so I prayed to my God, and suddenly, for 100 feet all around me, it was Wednesday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddizv/a_priest_an_immam_and_a_rabbi_are_discussing_the/
%
Google

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddiwm/google/
%
I met a gay Irish couple today

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddinl/i_met_a_gay_irish_couple_today/
%
Did you know most Christian bands have a favourite chord?

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddgfm/did_you_know_most_christian_bands_have_a/
%
Borrow money

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddcyz/borrow_money/
%
What is a pirates favourite letter?

'P', because when they don't have one they become irate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ddc6b/what_is_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
%
Dubai don't like the Flintstones

but Abu Dahbi do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dda6q/dubai_dont_like_the_flintstones/
%
Why is it easy to tell when you use the wrong sauce?

Heinz sight is 20 20

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dd91k/why_is_it_easy_to_tell_when_you_use_the_wrong/
%
39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dd812/39_digits_of_pi_accurately_calculates_the/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

Crath it into an ithberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dd7wq/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Yo mamas so dumb

She tripped over a cordless phone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dd6e1/yo_mamas_so_dumb/
%
A guy at work asked me if I've ever stuck it in her, you know, other hole.

I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dd5pm/a_guy_at_work_asked_me_if_ive_ever_stuck_it_in/
%
Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?

For fingering A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dd5ha/why_did_the_guitar_teacher_go_to_jail/
%
Miscommunication!

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife.  He accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realising, sent the mail to a widow who had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting from relatives and friends. After reading the email, she fainted. The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the email which read:
'To my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me, they have  computers here and we are allowed to send emails to loved ones. I 've just been checked in. How are you and the kids? The place is really nice but I am lonely here. I have made necessary arrangements for your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you darling. I can't wait to see you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dd4o0/miscommunication/
%
Know why skeletons are so calm?

because nothing gets under their skin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dd4fb/know_why_skeletons_are_so_calm/
%
My girlfriend and I

often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dd0jh/my_girlfriend_and_i/
%
Russian dolls

I hate russian dolls they're so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dcvfm/russian_dolls/
%
Recently my girlfriend asked if I had been having sex behind her back

I said, yeah, who did you think that was?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dcu6w/recently_my_girlfriend_asked_if_i_had_been_having/
%
What do attorneys wear to court?

Lawsuits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dcskb/what_do_attorneys_wear_to_court/
%
What do you call it when one president comes in and another president comes out?

Barbara’s bush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dcq3w/what_do_you_call_it_when_one_president_comes_in/
%
I ordered two tall blacks at Starbucks yesterday.

But they were taken away by the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dcpth/i_ordered_two_tall_blacks_at_starbucks_yesterday/
%
Why doesn't Cookie Monster have good internet privacy?

He always accepts the cookies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dcm1i/why_doesnt_cookie_monster_have_good_internet/
%
My wife caught me standing on the scales, sucking in my stomach

“Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dckv0/my_wife_caught_me_standing_on_the_scales_sucking/
%
People treat me like God

They ignore my existence until they need something from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dcjud/people_treat_me_like_god/
%
Scientists have discoverded that left handed people...

...have more advantages in day to day life than no handed people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dcj46/scientists_have_discoverded_that_left_handed/
%
I was trying to make a joke about the unemployed,

But then I remembered that none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dchz5/i_was_trying_to_make_a_joke_about_the_unemployed/
%
If you rearrange the letters of "Postmen"

They get really pissed off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dcc3v/if_you_rearrange_the_letters_of_postmen/
%
What did the blind man say after he was given a cheese grater?

"That's the most violent book I've ever read!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dcaxl/what_did_the_blind_man_say_after_he_was_given_a/
%
I had to have foreskin removed when I was thirteen

My sister was born with no eyelids and the doctor suggested making them out of foreskin.
Worked awesome, she can blink and wink normally. Only thing is that she is a bit cockeyed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dcard/i_had_to_have_foreskin_removed_when_i_was_thirteen/
%
I have a joke about a pirate lady who got hit in the chest by a cannonball and needed some good old-fashioned pirate surgery

But it would be funnier with a punchline, wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dc54e/i_have_a_joke_about_a_pirate_lady_who_got_hit_in/
%
I heard the woman in the apartment next door having sex last night

She was moaning and groaning and they were thumping against the wall.
Turns out her mother had fallen and broken her hip and was hitting the wall with her cane for help.
Now I feel sorta bad for masturbating so many times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dc382/i_heard_the_woman_in_the_apartment_next_door/
%
What do you call it when a person shaves their head bald to blend in with cancer patients?...

Chemoflage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dc368/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_person_shaves_their/
%
An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin.

Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.
His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dbygu/an_american_lawyer_invited_a_czechoslovakian/
%
[NSFW] I read an article about a British mam who masturbated until his penis bled...

What a bloody wanker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dbxkj/nsfw_i_read_an_article_about_a_british_mam_who/
%
I don't care what people say about midgets

They're some really down-to-earth people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dbsri/i_dont_care_what_people_say_about_midgets/
%
My friend tried to enlist the help of his spouse in our dad-joke contest...

She failed miserably, making no decent jokes.
I said, "looks like you brought a wife to a pun fight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dbmi7/my_friend_tried_to_enlist_the_help_of_his_spouse/
%
Alan and Philip sit down at the bar

Bar tender asks what can I get you tools?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dbmd1/alan_and_philip_sit_down_at_the_bar/
%
An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, has swam with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was...

Bindair Dundat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dbli6/an_east_indian_fellow_has_moved_in_next_door_he/
%
How many mulas till a solution?

One mula...
Two mula...
Three mula...
Formula.
I made this up. No one ever laughs. It must be my delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dbdbj/how_many_mulas_till_a_solution/
%
What do you call a Sherpa making love to his wife?

Himalayan
(I wrote this and am sorry if it's racist)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dbd2n/what_do_you_call_a_sherpa_making_love_to_his_wife/
%
A hamburger and a french fry walk into a bar....

The bartender says, "I'm sorry but we don't serve *food* here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dbb6b/a_hamburger_and_a_french_fry_walk_into_a_bar/
%
So I've been told I'm condescending...

(Oh sorry; it means I look down on others).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8db9bm/so_ive_been_told_im_condescending/
%
What is a bull fighters favorite soap?

Olay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8db8i3/what_is_a_bull_fighters_favorite_soap/
%
What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse?

An horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8db7xg/what_do_you_call_a_grammatically_incorrect_horse/
%
There are ten reasons I hate clickbait...

Number 7 will shock you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8db74k/there_are_ten_reasons_i_hate_clickbait/
%
Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts.

The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8db0kk/around_80_of_all_asians_that_move_to_america_get/
%
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.
It was a #2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8db09y/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
Why did the robot cross the road?

AI don’t know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8daynp/why_did_the_robot_cross_the_road/
%
How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag?

You take the 's' out of 'Safe' and the 'f' out of 'way'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8day1w/how_do_you_fit_an_elephant_in_a_safeway_bag/
%
What do you call a community of fortune tellers who work for free?

A non-prophet organization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dax4k/what_do_you_call_a_community_of_fortune_tellers/
%
[NSFW] What do you call a guy who just went down on a girl for the first time?

A Clitourist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dax2g/nsfw_what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_just_went_down_on/
%
How do you turn a fox in to an elephant?

Marry it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8daw86/how_do_you_turn_a_fox_in_to_an_elephant/
%
[My version is better]Sally was a terrible Sunday school student...

she always fell asleep in class. Now, the teacher of this Sunday school liked to start things off by asking questions from the lesson before so she could see if the students got last week's lesson. On this morning the teacher started things out nice and easy. She asked, "Who is the creator of the universe?" Now Sally, of course, was sleeping. Beside Sally, however, was some prick named Bertha. Now Bertha had a stick and decided to poke Sally. Sally then bolts up from her sleep and scream "GOD ALMIGHTY!". The teacher congratulates Sally on the correct answer. Sally then soon after falls asleep. Later, the teacher asks "Who is our Lord and savior?". Bertha deciding to continue on her quest of being a prick, pokes Sally again who then wakes up screaming "JESUS CHRIST!". The teacher was very happy, again congratulation Sally. Sally again falls asleep. Finally, the teacher asks "What did Eve say to Adam on their 26th child?". Bertha triumphantly pokes Sally one last time. This time, however, Sally was pissed. Sally wakes up saying "POKE ME WITH THAT FUCKING STICK ONE MORE DAMN TIME AND I WILL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!" Sally now gets to enjoy her damn sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8daqt3/my_version_is_bettersally_was_a_terrible_sunday/
%
What’s the difference between an orange and the Torah?

One can make acidic juice and the other can make Hasidic Jews
(Just made this up today)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dapmu/whats_the_difference_between_an_orange_and_the/
%
Why don't blind people bungee jump?

Because it scares the fuck out of the dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dapac/why_dont_blind_people_bungee_jump/
%
Daaaaannnng Girl, are you Syria?

Girl: Um, no. Why?
Me: Because you gotta lot of fucking problems, but i wanna get involved anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dankk/daaaaannnng_girl_are_you_syria/
%
A man walks into a bar an sees a really angry looking horse tied up at the end of the bar with a bucket of $20's near him

The man asks the bartender "Whats the deal with the horse and the money?"
Bartender goes "That's the angriest horse in the world, anyone who can get him to ease up gets the bucket of cash. $20 bucks though if ya lose."
The man walks over to the horse and whispers something in its ear and the horse starts laughing hysterically. The man takes the bucket of cash and walks off.
The next week he walks in to the same bar, sees the horse still laughing and a new bucket with twice as much money. The bartender flags him down.
"He hasn't stopped since you left! I'm worried about him, make him stop and the cash is yours!"
The man then takes the horse out of the bar and into the alley for less than a minute. The horse is now sobbing loudly.
The man takes the bucket and the bartender grabs his arm and asks:
"Buddy what is the deal?"
The man replied:
"Well last week I told him I had a bigger dick than him, this week I proved it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dalmf/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_an_sees_a_really_angry/
%
A man is driving down a road and sees a peach stand thats says “peaches in all flavors”

Curious by the stand’s name, he turns around to stop by. As he aproaches the stand he asks,
Man: “do you really sell peaches in all flavors”
Peach Vendor: “I sure do! What kind would you like?”
Man: “Ok well give me a peach that tastes exactly like an orange”
Peach vendor: “ok here it is!l
The man then bites the peach, shocked that it tastes exactly like an orange. Now even more curious to the limit of flavors.
Man: “give me a peach that tastes exactly like peanut butter and jelly”
Peach vendor: “here you are”
Man: “ah ha! I only taste peanut butter!”
Peach Vendor: “turn it around”
And sure enough the other side tasted like jelly. But now the man must give this vendor the ultimate test.
Man: “ok peach man, give me a peach that tastes exactly like pussy!”
Peach vendor: “here you are”
Man: “Yuck! It tastes like ass!”
Peach vendor: *rolls eyes* “turn it around”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dalad/a_man_is_driving_down_a_road_and_sees_a_peach/
%
Have you read that new book on anti-gravity?

It's hard to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8daf8z/have_you_read_that_new_book_on_antigravity/
%
A man who has a lawsuit with Folgers

has grounds to sue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8dadi3/a_man_who_has_a_lawsuit_with_folgers/
%
The man who created autocorrect has died.

Restaurant in peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8daatk/the_man_who_created_autocorrect_has_died/
%
Was asking my EOD friend...

"Don't you ever get stressed out on your job?"
He shrugged his shoulders and replied "No, I'm never stressed out. The way I see it is I'm either right or suddenly it's not my problem anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8da7c6/was_asking_my_eod_friend/
%
three psychologists confess secrets to each other.

The first says "Hate to admit it, but I fuck my patients on a regular basis. I'll fuck men and women, hell, one time I fucked this chick's dog!"
the second psychologist said "I also hate to admit this, but I'm a thief. I overcharge my clientelle, rip them off, and last week I stole a 20 out of this 10 year old's wallet!"
the third sighed and said "Whatever I do, I can't keep a secret!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8da6u5/three_psychologists_confess_secrets_to_each_other/
%
A tribal man

stumbled upon a bunch of black rocks. Upon closer inspection, he realizes that these aren’t just normal rocks, but instead magic rocks. The magic rocks awoke and said to him,
“You have found the magic coals of ancient times. We will give you great power, but if we are harmed in any way, we will inflict that harm unto you.”
The man is surprised but decides to take the coals with him back to the tribe. He brings it to the elders and they discuss what to do with them. However, one elder decides that he doesn’t believe this story of magic coals. He decides that in order to test this, they will attack the coals with spears.
And so, the coals were attacked. The man fell down screaming in agony.
To summarize this story, the man collapsed after being jabbed in the tested coals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8da3te/a_tribal_man/
%
Doctor: "I'll be delivering your baby"

Parents: "Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8da2y9/doctor_ill_be_delivering_your_baby/
%
So if a place to view birds is an Aviary, and a place to view fish is a aquarium, where do you view pigs?

Congress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d9zm8/so_if_a_place_to_view_birds_is_an_aviary_and_a/
%
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d9yb5/my_wife_said_if_this_post_gets_1000_upvotes_shell/
%
What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d9w9a/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
Why do brides smile so much at the wedding ?

No more blow jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d9tey/why_do_brides_smile_so_much_at_the_wedding/
%
Archaeologists have found a tampon in the desert

They’re trying to work out what period it came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d9tch/archaeologists_have_found_a_tampon_in_the_desert/
%
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d9pxx/a_priests_asks_the_convicted_murderer_at_the/
%
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds.

As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No way!, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she fluttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, 10/10 model.
"Fuck me or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello," said the ugly fat man said, "my name is Cess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d9o3b/a_man_was_walking_along_the_street_when_he_saw_a/
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A woman goes into the doctor and tells him she was masturbating a little too furiously, and her vibrator got stuck.

The doctor examines her and tells her, "Well, the bad news is, it's going to cost $1000 to remove it."
The woman says, "Well, how much does it cost just to change the batteries?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d9mgy/a_woman_goes_into_the_doctor_and_tells_him_she/
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What do you call 5 black people having sex?

A threesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d9lou/what_do_you_call_5_black_people_having_sex/
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I keep loading paper into my printer but it keeps saying "I just can't get enough"

I think it's stuck in Depeche Mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d9k1h/i_keep_loading_paper_into_my_printer_but_it_keeps/
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Slow learner

A man goes to work one Monday morning and notices one of his coworkers has two big bandages on both of his ears.
"What happened to your ears?" he asks.
"Well, its a long story." he replies, "You see, my wife and I are planning a trip with my sister in law, and we were expecting a phone call from her on Sunday. I was watching the football game and my wife was ironing some laundry behind me. The phone rang, so I reached back to answer it, but when I put the phone to my ear I realized I had grabbed the iron by mistake!"
"Well that explains one ear, but what happened to the other?"
"Well, wouldn't you know it, she called back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d9grj/slow_learner/
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How did the math professor solve his constipation problem?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d9f5b/how_did_the_math_professor_solve_his_constipation/
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A man finds a lamp..

Out of the lamp comes a Genie, the Genie says to the man you know the deal 3 wishes. There’s only one catch, whatever you wish for your mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks a bit on his first wish and says “Genie, I want to be handsome.” The Genie says waaa-laaa you’re a good looking man but, your mother-in-law is now gorgeous.
The man then thinks upon his second wish and says “Genie, I want to be rich.” The Genie snaps his fingers and says your bank account now has 5 Million dollars in it but, your mother-in-law now has 10 Million.
The Genie then says this is your last wish.
The man thinks long and hard and looks at the Genie and says “Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d9dyu/a_man_finds_a_lamp/
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There are over 100,000 battered women in America

And all this time I've been eating them raw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d991g/there_are_over_100000_battered_women_in_america/
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What does 90 year-old pussy taste like?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d970i/what_does_90_yearold_pussy_taste_like/
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My three favorite things:

Eating my family and not using commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d96we/my_three_favorite_things/
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My girlfriend has two problems with me.

I don't listen very well and then some other shit she was going on about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d932y/my_girlfriend_has_two_problems_with_me/
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When they said I was gonna be hung, drawn and quartered...

I've gotta admit, I didn't expect a penis enlarger, a professional sketch and my own room on a ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d91vv/when_they_said_i_was_gonna_be_hung_drawn_and/
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Two blondes at the cinema, one says to the other I bet that girl falls out of that boat and into the lake, second blonde, no way, I bet you 50 bucks, sure enough the girl falls into the lake, second blonde says how did you know that?

first blonde, I saw this film last week, second says so did I, didn't think she would do it twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d8vt9/two_blondes_at_the_cinema_one_says_to_the_other_i/
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What's Hitler's Favorite Game?

Meinkraft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d8mrt/whats_hitlers_favorite_game/
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Two rival restaurants are on opposite sides of a road...

Two rival restaurants are on opposite sides of the road. There is a man who frequents one of the restaurants and always sits in the same spot and has a good friendship with the owner through his regular and long running patronage to the restaurant.
One day, the owner notices that the man hasn’t turned up at his usual time, and wonders why it might be that he didn’t turn up. He decides not to overthink it and instead just goes with the assumption that he is ill or otherwise indisposed for some important reason.
However this persists for quite some time, and the owner wonders if perhaps the man had grown tired of their food, or perhaps something else had put him off coming anymore.
The owner chances to look outside and sees nothing more than the man on the other side of the street eating at the other restaurant!
Now he is really worried that they had done something wrong to make him betray his patronage to them and switch to the other restaurant, but he is at first too scared to confront him and decides to give him a chance to come back.
The next day the owner sees him at the rival restaurant again! He decides he must confront him about it or else he will never know, so he crosses the street and waits outside until the man has finished. The man looks a little surprised although not unhappy to see the owner waiting for him wanting to talk.
The owner says to him: “Why have you left our patronage my friend? I don’t understand, what did we do wrong? Was the food no longer to your liking?”
The man says: “You didn’t do anything wrong, and the food was fine, but I went to the dentist the other day and he told me to eat on the other side.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d8jz8/two_rival_restaurants_are_on_opposite_sides_of_a/
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Why did Star Wars episode 4,5,6 came before 1,2,3?

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d8iod/why_did_star_wars_episode_456_came_before_123/
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All the victims were deaf, dumb or blind...

...these are senseless killings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d8cv1/all_the_victims_were_deaf_dumb_or_blind/
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Dad why did you name me rose?

Child 1: "Dad why did you name me rose?"
Dad: "Because when you were born a little rose petal fell on your forehead, it was such a beautiful moment."
Child 2: "And why did you name me Lily?"
Dad: "Because when you were born a little Lily fluttered onto your forehead"
Child 3: ADGHRSSDF!!! MMHGJGD!!
Dad: "Shut up Boulder!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d8cd7/dad_why_did_you_name_me_rose/
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A short poem about women's underwear...

> Rose's are red,
Violet's are blue,
>!Heather's are green.!<
~Lee Mack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d89g5/a_short_poem_about_womens_underwear/
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To spell Panda, all you need is

P and A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d86ud/to_spell_panda_all_you_need_is/
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An argument in a bar

There are two men in a bar. One of them happens to be a paraplegic in a wheelchair.
An argument begins between the two men and gets heated and one man punches the man in the wheelchair knocking him down. The man who was in the wheelchair looks up at the man who knocked him down and responds
“You May have won this one but when we meet in heaven I’ll get you back”
The other man replies
“That won’t happen for 2 reasons.
1, I just hit a cripple in a bar I’m not going to heaven.
2, there’s a stairway to heaven not a ramp.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d868k/an_argument_in_a_bar/
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Most countries have mafia.

In Soviet Russia, mafia have country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d83od/most_countries_have_mafia/
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Is your refrigerator running?

Because it has my vote over Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d82qn/is_your_refrigerator_running/
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What do red necks and scientists have in common?

Relative dating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d823y/what_do_red_necks_and_scientists_have_in_common/
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Two gay men are sitting in a bar

The bar is pretty quiet so the first man says,
"Tell me a joke."
The other man replies,
"AIDS."
The first man responds,
"I don't get it..."
The second man says,
"Don't worry, I'm positive you will later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7yfl/two_gay_men_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
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If vegetarians eat vegetables...

...what do humanitarians eat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7y0f/if_vegetarians_eat_vegetables/
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Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7xzh/call_a_girl_beautiful_1000_times_and_she_wont/
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A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7xbe/a_lot_of_people_call_a_hashtag_but_back_in_my_day/
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Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4, it'd be a sedan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7wsb/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_2_doors/
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What must you have if you want to crash a train?

A loco motive.
I made this one up several years ago and have never posted here 🙃

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7v37/what_must_you_have_if_you_want_to_crash_a_train/
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Guy: "Come over"

Girl: "Roger, I'm coming over"
Guy: "We should stop using walkie-talkies in bed, over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7un4/guy_come_over/
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What did the subatomic duck say?

Quark, quark!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7tkx/what_did_the_subatomic_duck_say/
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Moth Joke

A moth goes into a dietitian's office looking very unwell.
The dietitian goes, "What seems to be the problem?"
The moth replies, "Where to start, doc?  Each day I wake up at 6:00 a.m. next to a moth wife I once loved, who I have slowly drifted away from over the days.  Her once beautiful moth body has sagged to the point that I don't even recognize her, and her nagging grows more incessant every day.
Once I get out of bed I go through the dull repetitions of a meaningless life: shower, shave, brush my teeth, and all of the other normal moth drudgery.  As I step into the kitchen to make my morning coffee I see my two unremarkable moth children, who I am convinced are someone else's because they look nothing like me.  Of course I pretend to love them as any moth should, but there's a part of me that just wants to smother them.
When I finally get into work at 8:30 I arrive at my desk to find what seems like the same towering stack of papers each day.  No matter how hard I work a new stack is there each morning, and I wonder if it's even worth the struggle.  I'd love to quit but I keep telling myself that I need the money to support my moth family, a family I don't even love.
I go to sleep each night and wake up each morning with an unshakable feeling of emptiness.  If only that feeling of emptiness were a little stronger, maybe then I would have the courage to pick up the loaded guy I keep on my nightstand and end this hellish facade!"
The doctor replies, "Well... I'm very sorry to hear that you are not feeling well and it's clear that you need treatment, but your problems seem to be more appropriate to bring up with a psychiatrist.  Why did you come to a dietitian's office?"
"Because the light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7t5y/moth_joke/
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What do you order at Starbucks when you're sad?

A desspresso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7snr/what_do_you_order_at_starbucks_when_youre_sad/
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The tale of Paul and Old Joe

There once was a man named Paul who, after some trouble with the law, found himself homeless behind a fast food joint just outside of Wichita, Kansas. He stayed there for a few days, drinking from the bathroom sinks and eating scraps from the trash, when an old rancher named Joe found him and took pity.
"Look," the old man said, "if you don't mind some hard work, I'll take you back to my ranch. I'm in need of a ranch-hand, and I think I could offer you a bed and rustle up some warm grub." Paul graciously agreed, and headed off to the ranch with old Joe.
The first few weeks were hard. He had to shovel manure, coral the horses, and learn to rope cattle. His muscles ached and his hands were covered in blisters. But he had a warm bed in the loft of the barn and three hot meals a day, and old Joe was kind, so he kept at it.
Well, the weeks turned into months and Paul turned out to be a fine ranch-hand. He could do barn chores faster than anybody and roped cattle with the best of them. He still stayed in the straw bed in the barn loft and ate hot chow with old Joe and Joe's wife.
Seasons changed. The grass went brown and the winds turned cold, but Paul still worked as hard as ever, rising as early as 3 am to get started on the barn chores. The months turned into years and he grew close to kind old Joe.
One day Joe took him aside and said, "Paul, you've really grown on me. I can't help but remember the poor state in which I found you and how much you've changed. You're the best ranch hand I ever had. I want you to start sleeping in the farmhouse, in my son's room. He died a couple years before I found you, in a car crash, and I've left his room empty since... but I want you to have it. You're like a son to me now."
In tears of gratitude, Paul agreed, and started sleeping in the farmhouse.
Well, the stages of life pass like seasons-- the spring of birth, the summer of youth, the fall of aging, and the winter of death-- and old Joe fell ill with pneumonia. They called the doctor out to take a look and the news wasn't good-- old Joe had grown weak and the medicine couldn't get on top of the infection. Joe was on his deathbed.
After the doctor left, Joe asked a distraught Paul to come closer. He whispered, "Paul, my second son. I need you to do something for me. When I was in the war, I took a gold watch off a Jap who tried to bayonet me. It's been a treasure of mine because it reminded me of the fragility of life and the horrors of war. Wanting to keep it safe, I sealed it in a fence post on the far side of the pasture. I painted the top white so I could remember where it is. Paul, I'd like to have that watch with me now, while I wait to pass on to the Lord."
Paul agreed. Filled with determination and aware that time was running out, Paul saddled up the fastest horse on the ranch and galloped at full speed to the end of the pasture. He dismounted at the far end and started looking for the white-topped post.
He checked one, then another, then another. No white tops, no hidden watches. Frustration growing, Paul broke out into a run, first running one way, then the other.
Finally, he found a post that looked promising. The paint on top was faded gray, but still there. Paul ran his fingers over the top, feeling the rough, weathered surface, and found a small crack. He pulled the post open in expectation and found... nothing. There was no watch.
"You lookin' for a watch?" a voice from behind called out.
Paul turned and saw an old man, maybe even older than Paul, standing behind him. "Who are you?" Paul asked.
The old man smiled. "They call me Billy, but that's not my real name. I'm Joe's brother. I stay out here in the shed by the far corner of the pasture, and watch over the cattle when they come this way. In return, my brother gives me three square meals a day and a roof over my head.
"I can't work anywhere else, after I took some shrapnel in my back on Okinawa. I was there, with Joe, when he took the watch. I knew how much it meant to him, so I was a little surprised when he stuck in an old fence post. After some months had gone by and Joe stopped checking on it, I took the post with the watch and locked them up in my shed here for safety.
"I rustled up and old scrap post, painted the top white, and stuck it where you are now. It ain't the post you want. What you're lookin' at, right there, is just a repost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7pwb/the_tale_of_paul_and_old_joe/
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My 5 year old came up with this one...

"Eating mints? *(long dramatic pause)* That's cool!"
And he then proceeds to ROFL like it's best damn joke known to mankind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7nf0/my_5_year_old_came_up_with_this_one/
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What did Lieutenant Worf find in Captain Pickard’s private bathroom?

The captain’s log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7mv8/what_did_lieutenant_worf_find_in_captain_pickards/
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Marathon

I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7kpl/marathon/
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A husband and wife are getting dressed to go out to dinner

As the woman is making herself up in the mirror she grimaces at her reflection and turns to her husband.
"Why have the years been so cruel to me?  With each passing day I get even more old and ugly.  The lines on my face run as deep as river beds.  My lips are as shriveled as raisins.  My once thick and luscious hair has thinned considerably.  Name ONE thing that I still have going for me."
The husband replies "your eyesight is damned near perfect."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7jzk/a_husband_and_wife_are_getting_dressed_to_go_out/
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How is it "the world is your oyster"?

When I'm always chasing that clam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7hhp/how_is_it_the_world_is_your_oyster/
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I refused to believe I was both gay and dyslexic...

But I was just in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d7d9d/i_refused_to_believe_i_was_both_gay_and_dyslexic/
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If you don’t agree with someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

Not only will you be a mile away from them, you’ll also have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d76vl/if_you_dont_agree_with_someone_walk_a_mile_in/
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A Bunny Story..

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny. The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching.
It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault."
The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.
Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?" The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d756e/a_bunny_story/
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A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff..

Baa- dum- ssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d70v2/a_goat_a_drum_and_a_snake_fell_off_a_cliff/
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How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex ?

Call her and tell her about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d6zc4/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_during_sex/
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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti

You should’ve seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d6zai/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
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"Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt..."

"It was ground this morning, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d6z7f/waiter_this_coffee_tastes_like_dirt/
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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."
The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d6wc8/on_his_74th_birthday_a_man_got_a_gift_certificate/
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What do you call it when you have your mom's mom on speed dial?

Insta-gram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d6vuk/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_have_your_moms_mom/
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The best pizza I ever had was just a plain dough base

Nothing topped that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d6tr0/the_best_pizza_i_ever_had_was_just_a_plain_dough/
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I said to my personal trainer, “Can you teach me how to do the splits?”

He replied, “How flexible are you?” I said “I can’t do Tuesdays.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d6och/i_said_to_my_personal_trainer_can_you_teach_me/
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I’m taking an Irish-Spanish history class.

It’s called History Juan O’Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d6id0/im_taking_an_irishspanish_history_class/
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How do southerners speak of addiction recovery?

With drawl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d6gt6/how_do_southerners_speak_of_addiction_recovery/
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I can’t stand swearing during sex

Who wants to hear that kind of language especially from a child?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d6fgr/i_cant_stand_swearing_during_sex/
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I made a jam bands playlist on Spotify

It's 16 hours long and only has 5 songs on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d6e98/i_made_a_jam_bands_playlist_on_spotify/
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I wonder if church musicians and surgeons ever hang out

They could just chill and talk about organs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d6dfw/i_wonder_if_church_musicians_and_surgeons_ever/
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My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d67m7/my_computer_was_really_laggy_until_someone_helped/
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Talking Biscuit

Two biscuits are in an oven
First one says 'man it's hot in here'
Second one one says 'holy shit ! A talking biscuit !'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d65h9/talking_biscuit/
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Two goldfish are in a tank

One says to the other one, “How do you steer this thing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d65c3/two_goldfish_are_in_a_tank/
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Getting some First-Aid

While riding my motorbike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my motorbike, I guess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d64hu/getting_some_firstaid/
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I honestly feel like sleeping is the thing I can do best.

In fact, I think I could even do it with my eyes closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d63az/i_honestly_feel_like_sleeping_is_the_thing_i_can/
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An old Italian joke..

A woman raised in a Monastery gets married. Let's call her Maria and her husband Mario.The wedding finishes and Mario and Maria are now in the bedroom.
Mario takes off his clothes and Maria being a girl raised in a monastery only with women is surprised when she sees Mario's penis. She asks him:
She- What is that?
Mario understands that she has no clue about what is going to happen so tries to use the situation in his favor, so he says:
He- This is a penis, I am the only man in the world with such a thing. Let me show you what's its use.
So both have sex that night and Maria is very happy that she is married with the only one that has something like that.
The next day Mario goes to work but is surprised when he returns home, as Maria is waiting for him irritated at the doorstep. He asks:
He - What's the problem darling?
She - You are just a liar, you told me that you were the only man with such a thing between your legs!
He- Yes, I am, why do you think I am not?
She- Because I saw today behind the bush your friend Luigi. I think he was peeing and he has the same thing as you!
Mario tries again to put the situation in his favor:
He- You are right, he also has one. But you should know that I gave him that. I actually had two, but since he is my best friend, I gave one to him.
Maria believes Mario so they make peace with each other.
The next day when Mario is returning from work sees his wife even more irritated waiting for him at the doorstep. So he asks:
He- What is darling, what happened today?
She- You are an idiot! Why the hell did you give him the better one?!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d62nu/an_old_italian_joke/
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my friends enjoyed my jokes so much that they wanted me to write a book

I wrote my biography. Couldn't think of a bigger joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5zz4/my_friends_enjoyed_my_jokes_so_much_that_they/
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Son: Dad, what's a fetish?

Dad: It's a type of cheese, son.
Son: That doesn't sound right...
Dad: It is when you stick your dick in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5yap/son_dad_whats_a_fetish/
%
Why were the two olives fighting?

They were pitted against each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5wgu/why_were_the_two_olives_fighting/
%
What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5qwv/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
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No sit-ups, pull ups or any other kinds of ups.

But f*ck ups, Those I can manage!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5qsa/no_situps_pull_ups_or_any_other_kinds_of_ups/
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To the man wearing camouflage in the wheelchair

You can hide, but you can’t run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5ogo/to_the_man_wearing_camouflage_in_the_wheelchair/
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What do you get when you milk a Christian cow?

Pastor-rized milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5mw5/what_do_you_get_when_you_milk_a_christian_cow/
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Cat Food

A man walks into a supermarket to buy some cat food. He goes into the checkout counter with his can of Fancy Feast in hand.
To his surprise the clerk asks him, "Do you own a cat?"  He replies "Of course I do."  The clerk responds "Well I'm sorry, if I can't see or touch the cat I can't sell you any cat food.  Put it back on the shelf."
A few days later he goes back to buy some dog food. The clerk asks him... "Do you own a dog?"  Again he confirms, and again she responds, "If I can't see or touch the dog, I can't sell you any dog food.  Put it back on the shelf."
He returns the next day with a brown paper bag and approaches the clerk to inspect.  She pulls her hand out, and in a high pitched scream, yells out "OH MY GOD IT'S SHIT!"
"That's right, I'm here to buy toilet paper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5ivo/cat_food/
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Fly Southwest Airlines

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked , ‘If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’
The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’
The busy flight attendant smiled and said, ‘Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?’
The boy said, ‘Yes, she did.’
‘Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5ijy/fly_southwest_airlines/
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Ladies, if you want to get an idea of how well a prospective boyfriend will treat you,

Take a long hard look at how he treats his wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5igt/ladies_if_you_want_to_get_an_idea_of_how_well_a/
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Nikke Bella is divorcing John Cena

Supposedly, she couldn't see him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5hyv/nikke_bella_is_divorcing_john_cena/
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I lost my left arm today

Don't worry, I'll be all right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5hmk/i_lost_my_left_arm_today/
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A union worker goes to a brothel...

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.  When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the  street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where
the Madam responded,  "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!!!" the UAW man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has Seniority."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5hbh/a_union_worker_goes_to_a_brothel/
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A farmer tries to liven up his sleepy town

Thinking himself a funny guy, he decides to put a joke of the day on the fence post next to his vegetable stand by the side of the road.  Not long after, a man with a shit-eating-grin on his face comes walking up the driveway towards the farmer's house. Knocking on the door, the passerby says to the farmer, "hey, just so you know your sign fell down out there and I fixed it for you." "oh really?" replied the farmer. "did you read it, and did you like it?" "Oh yes it's great! I read it, therefore I reposted it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5h3t/a_farmer_tries_to_liven_up_his_sleepy_town/
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He worked for years to invent an engine that ran on ambient disappointment.

But at the unveiling, it wouldn't work.
Then it did.
Briefly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5gwk/he_worked_for_years_to_invent_an_engine_that_ran/
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"I like my coffee like I like my women:..."

"... made by my wife." - Josef Fritzl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5fdv/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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I never apologise, and I will never explain myself.

I'm sorry, it's just the way I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5dfq/i_never_apologise_and_i_will_never_explain_myself/
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How many light bulbs do you need to light up a room full of milennials?

None. They’re already lit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5chj/how_many_light_bulbs_do_you_need_to_light_up_a/
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My first job out of high school was delivering fish...

I used to stand in the river, mopping the fish's head, and just comfortingly saying, "Deep breath, now push, push again, you're almost there..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d5aeu/my_first_job_out_of_high_school_was_delivering/
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A disgruntled cow complains about the way it's treated

The Cow grumbles under its breath "This lousy cowboy does nothing but push me around all day"
Cowboy: "What's that you said?"
Cow: "You herd me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d58ll/a_disgruntled_cow_complains_about_the_way_its/
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I got bitten by a werewolf and I'm turning into one myself.

I think I'm lycan it so far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d57z4/i_got_bitten_by_a_werewolf_and_im_turning_into/
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Converting a Bear to the Faith

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!" So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.
They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d575i/converting_a_bear_to_the_faith/
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There once lived a beautiful queen

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom,only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
The moral of the story - Pay your bills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d55dl/there_once_lived_a_beautiful_queen/
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What am I supposed to do with this? "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d550z/what_am_i_supposed_to_do_with_this_what_am_i/
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I make a living by sending my talking dog out to the streets to beg for change.

Today, he's come home empty handed. I asked why, but all he says is, "ruff ruff, grrrRRrRrrrr".
I don't get it, he was talking when I sent him out this morning and now he makes no cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d51po/i_make_a_living_by_sending_my_talking_dog_out_to/
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After my wife died i couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d4vj1/after_my_wife_died_i_couldnt_look_at_women_for_20/
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What is satan's favourite chemical?

Carbon. because it has 6 protons 6 neutrons and 6 electrons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d4u19/what_is_satans_favourite_chemical/
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How do skunks know who to spray and who not to spray?

Instink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d4ts3/how_do_skunks_know_who_to_spray_and_who_not_to/
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I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore...

Definitely time for a new keyboard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d4q0y/i_cant_see_an_end_i_have_no_control_and_i_dont/
%
I was really tempted to say mean things about an obese animal

But I decided not to because that would be hippo-critical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d4nwm/i_was_really_tempted_to_say_mean_things_about_an/
%
How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?

It’s when the blind try to read your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d4mwk/how_can_you_tell_you_have_a_really_bad_case_of/
%
[NSFW] A man and a woman meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d4l69/nsfw_a_man_and_a_woman_meet_in_an_elevator/
%
My wife asked me if I love her and I told her that my heart is like my phone and she is the Sim card. She was impressed

but I didn't tell her that my phone has dual Sim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d4kg7/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_love_her_and_i_told_her/
%
A Muslim man sees the face of Muhammad in a tub of margarine one day

His neighbor from Nepal looks over and says "I can't believe it's not Buddha"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d4hou/a_muslim_man_sees_the_face_of_muhammad_in_a_tub/
%
My dentist reminded me...

My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex.
We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d49yi/my_dentist_reminded_me/
%
A woman goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot

She sees a beautiful one but way cheaper than the others. She asks the owner about it.
“The thing is, that parrot used to be in brothel and because of that he developed a very dirty tongue. Because of its language I had to reduce its price.”
The woman decide to buy the parrot anyway because she finds the idea funny.
“New old whore! New old whore!” Shrieks the parrot.
She brings the parrot home.
“New old whore! New brothel!” yell the parrot.
Her daughter arrives and sees the parrot.
“New old whore! New brothel! New little slut!”
They both find the antics of the parrot very funny. The husband comes back from work.
“New old whore! New brothel! New little slut! Same old Bill!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d48kt/a_woman_goes_to_a_pet_shop_to_buy_a_parrot/
%
My gay neighbor gave me a sextape of him and his husband for my birthday.

I think he misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d460g/my_gay_neighbor_gave_me_a_sextape_of_him_and_his/
%
If you cut off your left arm

Your right arm will be left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d44oe/if_you_cut_off_your_left_arm/
%
A red-head, a brunette, and a blonde meet for coffee to talk about issues they are having with their daughters.

The brunette says “I was cleaning my daughters room the other day, and I found a bottle of alcohol under her bed. I didn’t even know she drank!”
The redhead says, “well when I was cleaning my daughters room the other day, I found a pack of cigarettes under her bed. I didn’t even know she smoked!”
The blonde says “you guys won’t believe this. when I cleaned my daughters room the other day, I found a used condom under her bed. I didn’t even know she had a dick!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3z78/a_redhead_a_brunette_and_a_blonde_meet_for_coffee/
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Two blokes were on a plane one day.......

........ and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. 'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'. 'Yeah no worries', the other one responded. 'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but notice the girl at the check in had massive tits, so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburg I accidentally asked for two pickets to titsburg and she hit me!.. Can I ask how you got yours?'.. 'yeah no worries, it's actually quiet a similar story to yours' the other guys says.. 'I was at home this morning about to eat breakfast with the Mrs and kids and instead of asking me mrs "hey can you please pass me the frosty's cereal", I accidentally said "you've ruined me life you evil cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3yc6/two_blokes_were_on_a_plane_one_day/
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What’s the difference between Harry Potter and the Jewish?

Harry escaped the chamber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3v4t/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_the/
%
Why did the photograph go to jail?

Indecent exposure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3uvn/why_did_the_photograph_go_to_jail/
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What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3t6n/what_is_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
How Long is a Chinese name?

Yes, it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3szc/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
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Someone told me they like my beard. I said "Thanks me too...

... it's really growing on me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3o0h/someone_told_me_they_like_my_beard_i_said_thanks/
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What did the blind prostitute say after receiving a facial?

“Well I certainly didn’t see that coming”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3n72/what_did_the_blind_prostitute_say_after_receiving/
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A midget walks into an elevator....

There is a tall gorgeous blonde girl standing beside him. He looks up at her and asks, can I smell your pussy? She exclaims, absolutely fucking not!... He replied, oh, it must be your feet then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3m89/a_midget_walks_into_an_elevator/
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What do you call a fat fortune teller?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3jay/what_do_you_call_a_fat_fortune_teller/
%
Three drunken guys entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then he said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money and the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver and said, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3ev3/three_drunken_guys_entered_a_taxi/
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What do you call a blond with a brain...?

A golden retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3efl/what_do_you_call_a_blond_with_a_brain/
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Me and my friend went to spy on women

We saw a girl naked and after a few seconds my friend randomely got up and ran away. I chased after him and once I caught up with him I asked him "Hey why are you running away?!" He said "my mom told me when I was a kid that if I ever spied on women I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3djo/me_and_my_friend_went_to_spy_on_women/
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Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3cca/did_you_hear_about_the_drummer_who_gave_all_his/
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What does it mean if you find a horseshoe?

Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d377u/what_does_it_mean_if_you_find_a_horseshoe/
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I was sitting on a train yesterday and saw this stunningly beautiful Thai girl.

I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection, Please don’t get an erection”. But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d372h/i_was_sitting_on_a_train_yesterday_and_saw_this/
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Eskimo’s car breaks down in Montana.

Mechanic says, “You blew a seal”
Eskimo says, “Yeah, you fucked a sheep.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d34q9/eskimos_car_breaks_down_in_montana/
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Ever wonder why North Korea doesn't have any Walmarts?

They only have Targets there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d34oe/ever_wonder_why_north_korea_doesnt_have_any/
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Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
(I made this up myself, I’m really proud of it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d34jw/where_do_little_jokes_come_from/
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Daddy, what’s a transvestite?

Ask mommy, he knows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3367/daddy_whats_a_transvestite/
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Why can't Latinos play Uno?

They take all the greencards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d3354/why_cant_latinos_play_uno/
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When a woman gets to a certain age they start to accumulate cats

Apparently it's known as many-paws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d30g2/when_a_woman_gets_to_a_certain_age_they_start_to/
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“Sure, go right ahead"

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d2y6j/sure_go_right_ahead/
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A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.

The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d2xfk/a_man_wanted_to_become_a_monk_so_he_went_to_the/
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Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!”
"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kinds of things to women.”
Sure enough, the very next Sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!”
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d2xbv/little_johnny_comes_home_from_sunday_school_with/
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The only addiction I can't beat is jerkin' off

wait...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d2vsc/the_only_addiction_i_cant_beat_is_jerkin_off/
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I lost my virginity the same way i learned to ride a bike...

My dad holding me from the back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d2qmn/i_lost_my_virginity_the_same_way_i_learned_to/
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Roses are red, cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d2mmf/roses_are_red_cellos_are_brown/
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Donald trump, the pope, Mike Pence, and a third grader are all on a plane about to crash with only 3 parachutes.

Mike Pence grabs a parachute and says “My life matters because I am the Vice President of the United States, and that is too important of a position to be given to anyone other than me” before jumping out of the plane.
Donald Trump grabs a bag and says “My life matters because I am the smartest president to ever live, and America would be in chaos without my intellect” before jumping out of the plane.
With only 1 parachute left, the pope turns to the third grader and says to him “little boy, I have lived a mostly full life, while yours is just beginning. Please, take the last parachute and save yourself.” The little boy replies “it’s alright mr. pope, the smartest president to ever live just jumped out of the plane with my backpack, so there’s still 2 parachutes left.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d2fr6/donald_trump_the_pope_mike_pence_and_a_third/
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I’ve just been diagnosed as colorblind,

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d2ccf/ive_just_been_diagnosed_as_colorblind/
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I used to lay awake at night wondering if I had ever seen the sun rise…

… but then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d2bot/i_used_to_lay_awake_at_night_wondering_if_i_had/
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What's the difference between landscaping and 9/11?

Landscaping is an outside job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d28ve/whats_the_difference_between_landscaping_and_911/
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Girls are like blackjack...

I am always going for 21 but end up hitting on 14

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d2809/girls_are_like_blackjack/
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A limbo champion walks into a bar

and is immediately disqualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d27ys/a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d26c9/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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It's best to hire people with anger issues into high positions

Most of them have already had management training

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d25lm/its_best_to_hire_people_with_anger_issues_into/
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In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .

It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d20np/in_the_next_marvel_movie_i_hear_that_ironman/
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(NSFW) Why do tampons have strings?

So you can floss after you get done eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d1yys/nsfw_why_do_tampons_have_strings/
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Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d1xl4/today_i_learned_about_harvey_e_brown_a_civil_war/
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Somebody, somewhere, has masturbated while thinking of you

And other lies you can tell yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d1w24/somebody_somewhere_has_masturbated_while_thinking/
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Momma always said police are like a box of chocolates...

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d1u83/momma_always_said_police_are_like_a_box_of/
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An Italian in New York

*Note: this joke is best read out loud, in the best Italian accent you can do.*
So, I hear all my friends tell me how much they like New York, so I decide I'm gonna go visit.  I take the plane to New York from Rome, an' by the time I get there, it's the middle of the night.
So I go to my hotel, and find my room, and I look around, an' on my bed there's a pillow an' a blanket but no sheet.
So I go to the front desk an' say, "Hey!  I wanna sheet!"
The guy at the desk say, "Everybody wanna sheet."
An' I say, "No, I wanna sheet onna bed!"
An' he say, "You don't getta sheet onna bed you sonna ma bitch,"
I don't even know this guy, an' he call me sonna ma bitch.
So I keep yellin' at this guy, an' they throw me outta the hotel, an' by now it's getting light out, so I go lookin' for breakfast.
I find a nice place to eat, and order the eggs and bacon.  An' when they bring me the plate, there's the eggs an' the bacon, but only one piece of toast.  So I go to the counter an' say, "Hey!  I want two piece!"
An' the kid say, "Everybody want two piece."
An' I say, "No, I want two piece onna plate!"
An' he say, "You don't get two piece onna plate, you sonna ma bitch!"
I don't even know this kid, an' he call me sonna ma bitch.
So I keep yellin' at this kid, an' they throw me out of the place.
So it's middle of the day now, an' I'm really gettin' hungry, so I find a nice restaurant, an' I order the steak.  An' when they put the food onna table, there's the plate, and the knife, but no fock.  So I call the waitress and say, "I wanna fock."
An' she say, "Everybody wanna fock."
An' I say, "No, I wanna fock onna table!"
An' she say, "You don't getta fock onna table, you sonna ma bitch!"
I don't even know this lady, an' she call me sonna ma bitch.
So, I keep yellin' at this lady, an' they throw me outta the restaurant.
An' now I decide that New York isn't as nice as my friends say, so I go back to the airport.  An' in the airport, there's a nun standin' there askin' for money.  So I give her some change an' she says, "Peace on you."
An' I say, "Piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I'm goin' home to Italy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d1rqv/an_italian_in_new_york/
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A teacher in the Soviet union yells at her student - who's your father?

**Stalin** says the child.
Who's your mother?
**Mother Russia**
What do you want to be when you grow up?
**An orphan!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d1pdi/a_teacher_in_the_soviet_union_yells_at_her/
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My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex.

I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d1nte/my_lesbian_neighbors_asked_me_what_i_wanted_for/
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What did the bondage rope say?

I'm knotty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d1kf3/what_did_the_bondage_rope_say/
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Farmer Joe's Bull, breaks down the fence, yet again....

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d1jmk/farmer_joes_bull_breaks_down_the_fence_yet_again/
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A man walks into a library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide

The librarian replies “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d1jja/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
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I bought a book on eBay "How to scam people"

But it never arrived(((((

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d1eiz/i_bought_a_book_on_ebay_how_to_scam_people/
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A wife screams at her husband

Wife: "How could you screw me over like this?!"
Husband : "what did I do?"
Wife: " You slept with my Niece, you bastard!"
Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"
Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d1btw/a_wife_screams_at_her_husband/
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Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and....

"Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"
"Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d1bfe/mom_how_come_i_still_didnt_get_my_period_i_mean/
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The moderators of /r/jokes hate it when a joke starts with “Donald Trump.”

The punch line should never be in the title.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d1all/the_moderators_of_rjokes_hate_it_when_a_joke/
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I was just fired from my job for telling a female co-worker the her hair smelled great.

I think they are discriminating against me because I'm a midget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d18b0/i_was_just_fired_from_my_job_for_telling_a_female/
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A Bus Driver and his wife......

...who had been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The Bus Driver was working hard cleaning the grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flowerbed. The Bus Driver says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark.
A little while later the Bus Driver takes his tape and measures the grill, and then he goes over to his wife while she is still bending over the garden and measures her rear and gasps, "Geeeez, it really *IS* as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night in bed, the Bus Driver begins feeling a bit horny. The wife responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d15oc/a_bus_driver_and_his_wife/
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Watching the Saddam Husein hanging online really made me think.

It made me think, is there anything on the internet I won’t masturbate to?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d135w/watching_the_saddam_husein_hanging_online_really/
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To save on mowing, get an emo lawn,

It cuts itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d12vz/to_save_on_mowing_get_an_emo_lawn/
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What do you call a religious dinosaur-hunter?

An Episcopaliantologist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d104e/what_do_you_call_a_religious_dinosaurhunter/
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Superman

is just flying arround through Metropolis using his x-ray vision when he spots wonder woman in her house completely naked laying in her bed with her legs spread wide open. He turns arround, and sees her again but this time on all four.
He's so horny that he thinks to himself I'll use my bullet speed to get a quicky in .. so he goes into maximun speed does his thing, then goes again .. pa pa pa and leaves
Then wonder woman goes: ¿WHAT WAS THAT?! and the invisible man goes : Idk but my ass hurts like hell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d101m/superman/
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There’s 2 types of people I hate in this world.

Racists & Blacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d0z1i/theres_2_types_of_people_i_hate_in_this_world/
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3 Europeans come to America but are captured by a Native American tribe who desires to kill them.

But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed on what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. So the Native American says, “Shove it up your ass, and if you laugh then we will kill you.” So he shoves the peach up his ass and laughs, so the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native Americans kill him. They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, “I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so that’s why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?” The second guy says, “Oh yeah I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back holding a pineapple!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d0xrb/3_europeans_come_to_america_but_are_captured_by_a/
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My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex

But my girlfriend insists it just says dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d0xfy/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_daily_sex/
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A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.
Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,
"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d0ve3/a_husband_wakes_up_at_home_with_a_huge_hangover/
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What’s the difference between your dog and your wife?

The later you come home, the happier your dog is to see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d0rdk/whats_the_difference_between_your_dog_and_your/
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I wonder if Adam ever thought to himself...

"I'm the sexiest guy on the planet right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d0rc9/i_wonder_if_adam_ever_thought_to_himself/
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My wife just stopped and said, "you weren't even listening were you"...

I thought, that's a funny way to start a conversation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d0nuc/my_wife_just_stopped_and_said_you_werent_even/
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[NSFW] Sex at old age

A 82yo man tells his doctor, that he will marry a 23yo.
Doctor (with a smile on his face): But be careful. At this age, sex might be deadly, if you are not careful.
Man: If she dies, i marry another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d0nt9/nsfw_sex_at_old_age/
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Two Calculus Professors Are Grabbing Dinner Together

Two calculus professors are grabbing dinner together.
The first one says to the other: “Why do we teach our students calculus? They just cram it for the tests then forget it.”
The second professor says: “They don’t forget it after the final I’ll prove it to you. The next time the waitress comes over I’ll ask her a question. If she gets it right you pay for dinner, if she doesn’t I will.”
Professor one responds: “Deal.”
On his way to the bathroom, the second professor stops the waitress and says: “Next time you come over to my table I am going to ask you if you have taken calculus and what the antiderivative of cos(x) is. If you say yes and answer that the antiderivative is sin(x), I will give you a large tip.”
Waitress responds: “Okay.”
After the second professor returns from the restroom, the waitress approaches the table they are at.
Professor two says: “Excuse me miss, have you ever taken calculus?”
Waitress responds: “Yes I have.”
Professor two: “Do you happen to know the antiderivative of cos(x) then?”
Waitress: “Yes, the antiderivative of cos(x) is sin(x).”
Professor one tells his colleague: “You were right, they don’t forget calculus after they finish the class.”
The waitress leaves. While walking away she mumbles to herself: “The antiderivative of cos(x) is sin(x) + C dumbasses.”
Note: I did not come up with this joke. I heard it from my calculus professor, who heard it from his high school calculus teacher and I thought Reddit would like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d0mke/two_calculus_professors_are_grabbing_dinner/
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My wife left me because I do a terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. But don't worry...

I'll return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d0k4d/my_wife_left_me_because_i_do_a_terrible_arnold/
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I beat a black belt at karate

My next opponent is a red sock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d0j7t/i_beat_a_black_belt_at_karate/
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Alerts to threats in Europe

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
A final thought – ” Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d0igg/alerts_to_threats_in_europe/
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A sadist and a masochist are walking down the street.

"Beat me! Beat me! Beat me!" pleads the masochist.
And the sadist says,
"No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d0f87/a_sadist_and_a_masochist_are_walking_down_the/
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Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context"

Media: Scientist claims his findings meaningless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d0c29/scientist_my_findings_are_meaningless_if_taken/
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no further questions, your honor

Attorney: Why didn't you help, when this total stranger beat up your wife ?
Culprit: I thought, he would be able to do it alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d05hn/no_further_questions_your_honor/
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In 'merica dogs are k9

In China theyre e10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8d00xt/in_merica_dogs_are_k9/
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How do you kill a circus?

Aim for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8czz06/how_do_you_kill_a_circus/
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How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8czxqh/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
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I was thinking about building a campground with a theme of aquatic life.

A vacation for sea lovers and campers alike, to all in-tents and porpoises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8czt5n/i_was_thinking_about_building_a_campground_with_a/
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Gay guy goes to Ireland

Gay guy at work says at a meeting that he will be gone for the next couple weeks. When asked what he's doing he says he's going to Ireland. I look over to my buddy and say "he's going to be disappointed when he finds out Gaelic doesn't mean what he thinks it does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8czm6s/gay_guy_goes_to_ireland/
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A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8czm0v/a_new_twist_on_an_old_joke/
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What do you call it when Donkey Kong gets a tooth cavity?

Tooth DK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8czc4r/what_do_you_call_it_when_donkey_kong_gets_a_tooth/
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I went to an interview to become a blacksmith today

They asked me if I ever shooed a horse before
I told them “No, but one time I told a donkey to fuck off”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8czbsm/i_went_to_an_interview_to_become_a_blacksmith/
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Does Dwayne Johnson purchase bulk shears?

No.
The Rock pay per scissors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cz60i/does_dwayne_johnson_purchase_bulk_shears/
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Elton John, great on the piano

Sucks on the organ though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cz4mt/elton_john_great_on_the_piano/
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A couple goes to a party...

the girl asks her boyfriend to get her some punch, so he goes to get it and comes right back because there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cz1on/a_couple_goes_to_a_party/
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If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis

Would it even matter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cz0tc/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_had_an/
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Why do people with foot fetishes never win?

Because they like the taste of defeat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cz019/why_do_people_with_foot_fetishes_never_win/
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Golfing Jesus

Jesus and two others are out playing 18 when they come up on a par three with a particularly tricky water hazard. The first gent tees off and not surprisingly he hits into the water, forcing a drop.
Jesus steps up to the tee with his usual swagger and addresses the ball. His robes move as fluid as his backswing as he makes perfect contact. His ball too is headed straight for the water. Except Jesus' ball lands gently on the surface of the pond, rolls up on the green, two feet from the hole for what will surely be an easy one putt. Everyone congratulates Jesus appropriately.
The third in the group ambles up to the tee and squares his shoulders. A short backswing and an awkward forward jerk and his ball too is now headed straight for the water and goes in with a splash. A moment later a large fish leaps out of the water with the his ball in its mouth. An eagle swoops down from the sky, catches the fish and flies over the green. A blinding beam of sunlight is reflected into the eagle's eyes causing him to lose focus and drop the fish on the green with a thud. The ball pops loose from the fish's mouth and rolls toward the hole with promise, only to stop 1/8th inch from dropping in. Not 5 seconds later a stiff breeze wofts by and pushes the ball in the cup for a hole in one.
Jesus looks over at him and says, "Nice shot, dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cyxw1/golfing_jesus/
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I have a fear of speed bumps.

But I’m slowly getting over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cywvz/i_have_a_fear_of_speed_bumps/
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Driving to work...

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
*
This joke was email to me by a Comedy Defensive Driving class I took to take care of a speeding ticket (three years ago).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cyrda/driving_to_work/
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What did god say when humans learned to create artificial life?

“Repost!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cypvy/what_did_god_say_when_humans_learned_to_create/
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A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cypaq/a_senior_citizen_called_her_husband_during_his/
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Grandads new care home

I recently took my grandad to a care home for him to have a look around and maybe spend a night to see if he liked it.
When we arrived we were greeted by a truly stunning Swedish nurse who took my grandad to look around his room whilst I filled in some paperwork.
He told me she showed him to a palatial room like something out of a five star hotel. She showed him the bathroom with a huge shower and suddenly asked him if he wanted a shower and a blowjob, of course having been a widower for many years he happily agreed and later told me she washed him and gave him the best blow job he'd ever had.
She helped him get into a freshly laundered pair of silk pajamas and told him she'd go get him a steak. When I left him he was beaming like I'd never seen before and I told him I'd see him in the morning.
The next morning I pulled up and my grandad came limping rapidly over to my car, wrenched the door open and told me to drive, startled I asked him why.
"but grandad, you said you loved it here and wanted to stay last night!“
" I know, but on the way to breakfast this morning I fell over and this huge orderly ran up to me, pulled my pajamas down and fucked me like a rented car, apparently they do that when you fall over!“
"OK, that's awful but you get blowjobs and steak dinners, it's rough but take the rough with the smooth!"
"that's easy for you to say, I fall over a dozen times a day but only get a hard-on twice a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cykvs/grandads_new_care_home/
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Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cyiks/whenever_i_tell_someone_i_sleep_like_a_baby_they/
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Thought I had written something clever until i started telling this one and no one got it.

I made a trip to the local dump yesterday and while I was there, I noticed that one of the employees was coughing and struggling to breathe, trying to heft a bag into a dumpster. So I went over to him and asked "excuse me sir, are you alright? Do you need a hand?" And he just replies "Nah I'm used to it, it's just miasma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cyhcd/thought_i_had_written_something_clever_until_i/
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Why did the French have so many Civil Wars?

Because they wanted to be able to win one for once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cyga6/why_did_the_french_have_so_many_civil_wars/
%
Walmart has an “Outdoor Living” section.

Where I’m from, it’s called being homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cyeiy/walmart_has_an_outdoor_living_section/
%
How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cyedo/how_does_nasa_organize_a_party/
%
TIL the creator of Corn Pops also invented Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and Apple Jacks

His tombstone just says "cereal entrepreneur"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cycxa/til_the_creator_of_corn_pops_also_invented_cocoa/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backward from the boat?

Because if they fall forward, they'll end up on the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cy9j1/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backward_from_the_boat/
%
I have the sex appeal of a math book

Every time someone opens one they always say “fuck me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cy8vh/i_have_the_sex_appeal_of_a_math_book/
%
A guide is hosting a tour of the Empire State Building...

They get to the top and the guide tells the group about a "little known fact that if you jump off the edge from here, you'll actually bounce back up and be perfectly fine."
The tourists are understandably unconvinced, so the guide decides to give them a demonstration. To everyone's horror, he dives off the side of the building. Screams are heard as building security is called. Before they can arrive, however, against all odds the tour guide indeed bounces back up and lands on the building unscathed.
"Wow, that was incredible! Just super!" cries the group. One man, emboldened by the miracle he just witnessed, decides to give it a go himself, and leaps off the building. Security shows up as the man is jumping and they all simultaneously roll their eyes.
"Messing with tourists again, Superman?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cy75x/a_guide_is_hosting_a_tour_of_the_empire_state/
%
Did you know if you put your ear up to a strangers leg,

You can actually hear them say, “What the fuck are you doing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cy5rv/did_you_know_if_you_put_your_ear_up_to_a/
%
Three men are crossing a bridge

A black man, an Asian man, and a Jew are crossing a bridge. Right under the bridge, a troll pops out and tells them, "You may only cross this bridge if your combined penis lengths are at least 17 inches."
So the black man pulls it out and it's 9 inches.
The Jew is 6 inches.
The Asian is 2 inches.
And so the three men cross the bridge. The black man says, "You're lucky I have a big dick."
The Jewish man says, "You're lucky I have a medium dick."
The Asian says, "You're lucky I have a boner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cy2p1/three_men_are_crossing_a_bridge/
%
A bear walks in to a bar....

A bear, seeking advice, walks in to a bar and sits down. When approached by the bartender, he asks for a honey blonde ale and a minute of his time.
"Sure, go ahead," said the bartender.
The bear continued. "You see, before I came here, I was really hungry. I saw a friend of mine with some honey, and I really regret what I did."
The bartender was interested in what this bear could've done, so he persuaded him to finish his story.
So the bear said, "even though he was a long time friend, I knew that I could somehow get that honey and eat it for myself. So I told him to go down to the river, where there were salmon swimming. I told him I would hide the honey and meet him there, to which he agreed. So he left and I...." as the bear trailed off he took a deep breath, a drink of his beer, and finished "I stole the honey and ate it."
The bartender thought it was funny, and dramatic, because he was expecting a murder story.
The bartender answered, "well, that's not so bad, haha the way you said it, why such a big pause?"
The bear looked down at his paws confused, and said "BECAUSE I'M A FUCKIN BEAR."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cy1lz/a_bear_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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I told my friend that I have a talking dog...

I told my friend that I have a talking dog. He didn't believe me and asked me to prove it.
So I asked my dog, "Hey doggie, what texture does sandpaper have?"
My talking dog replied, "Ruff. Ruff."
My friend replied, "That's just him barking, that's not real talking."
Then I asked my dog, "Hey doggie, what is on top of our house?"
My dog relied, "Roof. Roof."
My friend, once again, said, "That's just barking, not talking."
Then I asked my dog a third question, "Hey doggie, what Yankees baseball player wore number 3 and was called the Great Bambino?"
My dog then replied, "I don't watch baseball you fucking nerd."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cy15s/i_told_my_friend_that_i_have_a_talking_dog/
%
What did the Nazis think made their genes superior?

Uber alleles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxzy7/what_did_the_nazis_think_made_their_genes_superior/
%
A woman gave her puppy his first shot

And quickly realized that the little guy hates fireball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxywy/a_woman_gave_her_puppy_his_first_shot/
%
Two bullies at school keep putting fruits inside my son's bag.

I wish they'd leave him melon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxx0s/two_bullies_at_school_keep_putting_fruits_inside/
%
Last week, my doctor told me that I had to stop masturbating.

When I asked him why, he said, "because I'm trying to examine you and it's very distracting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxqfh/last_week_my_doctor_told_me_that_i_had_to_stop/
%
For the first time in my life a girl told me she loved me

Arent moms great?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxoyb/for_the_first_time_in_my_life_a_girl_told_me_she/
%
I was hosting a funeral for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask "What herbs should I season which fish with?"

I told him "Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxoji/i_was_hosting_a_funeral_for_my_goldfish_and_my/
%
Doctor: Today we will deliver the baby

Dad: Actually, we would like the baby to keep its liver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxkoy/doctor_today_we_will_deliver_the_baby/
%
What do you call a hotel for zombies

A dead and breakfast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxjfp/what_do_you_call_a_hotel_for_zombies/
%
There are no Wal-Marts in Syria

Only Targets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxh4m/there_are_no_walmarts_in_syria/
%
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

Game warden: "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"
"But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket."
"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.
Game warden: "So where are the fish?"
Fisherman: "What fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxep9/a_game_warden_catches_an_unlicensed_fisherman_in/
%
The high school for the blind had the best prom.

Everyone danced like no one was watching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxcxt/the_high_school_for_the_blind_had_the_best_prom/
%
If a nihilist were to become a superhero...

...would they wear a Futility Belt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxcaf/if_a_nihilist_were_to_become_a_superhero/
%
What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxb0r/what_do_a_penis_and_a_rubiks_cube_have_in_common/
%
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxaxg/the_world_tonguetwister_champion_just_got_arrested/
%
I ate at an Ethiopian restaurant once

I sat down , got hungry and then left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cxafy/i_ate_at_an_ethiopian_restaurant_once/
%
old millionaire

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cx9ru/old_millionaire/
%
If a wrestler pins you while having sex with your wife...

Is that a cuckhold?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cx4ar/if_a_wrestler_pins_you_while_having_sex_with_your/
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I always thought nothing could happen in a car during a thunderstorm

nevertheless she is pregnant now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cx49a/i_always_thought_nothing_could_happen_in_a_car/
%
What do you call a Gay Dinosaur

Mega-Sore-Ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwxan/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One, we are efficient and don't have humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwwxh/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
My dad came out to me today and told me he now identifies as a woman

He just wanted to be transparent with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwwht/my_dad_came_out_to_me_today_and_told_me_he_now/
%
What’s the difference between hard and light?

You can sleep with a light on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwwct/whats_the_difference_between_hard_and_light/
%
My wife has to pump breast milk multiple times a day and she's always complaining about it.

I think she's just milking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwvdm/my_wife_has_to_pump_breast_milk_multiple_times_a/
%
A sadist, a murderer, a necrophile

In a mental institution...
A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asks the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it," shouts the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then fuck it again," says the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, fuck it again and then burn it," says the pyromaniac.
Silence took over, and then the masochist says:
"Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwv8h/a_sadist_a_murderer_a_necrophile/
%
If a man opens the car door for his wife

You can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwuqj/if_a_man_opens_the_car_door_for_his_wife/
%
"I'm just kidding!"

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwuff/im_just_kidding/
%
How many Vietnam war vet does it take to change a lightbulb

Oh, you don't know, you weren't there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwtyc/how_many_vietnam_war_vet_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do you call a bunch of transvestites seeing who can run the fastest

A drag race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwsrp/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_transvestites_seeing/
%
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

*He couldn't control his pupils*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwlx6/did_you_hear_about_the_crosseyed_teacher/
%
Ever wonder why Ariel wears seashells?

Because she outgrew the B-shells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwiib/ever_wonder_why_ariel_wears_seashells/
%
Why did Elon Musk put a camera on his car when he launched it into space?

The flat earthers unionized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwh55/why_did_elon_musk_put_a_camera_on_his_car_when_he/
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A friend once told me...

There's this article on tumblr that i suggest you read. Its about the elections!
I politely refused and said:"no thank you, i already reddit."
Please forgive me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwh20/a_friend_once_told_me/
%
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.

It was grounds for dismissal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwh09/i_got_fired_from_starbucks_for_not_changing_the/
%
I'll never forget when I saw it for the first time.

I was 12 at the time, I just hit puberty. I measured it and it was 3.5 inches if I remember correctly. I almost couldn't believe my own eyes. It's more than twice of what I been seeing before. It was crazy. Ill never forget how sensitive it was and how inexperienced I was when touching it using my own hands. I remember stroking my finger lightly on it for the first time and it was the feeling that can hardly be rivaled by anything at the time. It was a truly unnerving experience.
Of course, it's been steadily growing over time and now I got 5.8 inches, and it lasts longer than its ever been, but I'll never forget my first experience at 3.5 inches.
The original iPhone was truly revolutionary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cweeg/ill_never_forget_when_i_saw_it_for_the_first_time/
%
If there existed a masseuse who hated woman

Would he be called a Massogynist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwdo5/if_there_existed_a_masseuse_who_hated_woman/
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I invented a new word!

Plagiarism!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cwdg0/i_invented_a_new_word/
%
A man steps into a bar

and orders a beer.
"o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please."
The Bartender responds
"Hey buddy. I used to stutter all the time too, but it stopped right after my wife gave me a blowjob. I suggest you try the same."
After the man hears this, he quickly drinks his beer and leaves.
The next day the man comes to the bar again.
"o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please."
The bartender chuckles
"My suggestion didn't work, did it?"
The man responds
"n-n-no b-b-but y-you h-have a n-n-nice h-h-house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cw97l/a_man_steps_into_a_bar/
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Pulled out before coming inside...

Didn't read the "push" sign on the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cw735/pulled_out_before_coming_inside/
%
Why is a divorce so expensive?

It’s worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cw5ir/why_is_a_divorce_so_expensive/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business whorehouse say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvzz7/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_whorehouse/
%
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. Germans are efficient and they aren't really funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvzee/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
If you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times...

Because sin90 = cot45.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvyv4/if_you_commit_a_crime_90_times_youll_only_get/
%
Say what you will about cannibals...

...but they're always eager to serve their guests

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvy00/say_what_you_will_about_cannibals/
%
What city do lawyers come from?

Sioux City.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvwy7/what_city_do_lawyers_come_from/
%
Don’t stare at a glass of water

Take a pitcher it’ll last longer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvw3r/dont_stare_at_a_glass_of_water/
%
A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvv8m/a_beer_bottle_a_mirror_and_a_condom_are_all/
%
I picked out a color of grey paint the other day, I guess the salesman didn't like it.

He just said "Oh, the hue manatee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvtca/i_picked_out_a_color_of_grey_paint_the_other_day/
%
I was walking by a car filled with black kids when I heard a "click" as they locked the doors and I felt like such a bad-ass...

...until I realized it was my car...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvs8f/i_was_walking_by_a_car_filled_with_black_kids/
%
Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations

Patrons may no longer order black coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvr3m/starbucks_makes_a_drastic_move_to_their_menu_to/
%
Space colonization

I: :think: :I: :may: :have: :figured: :it: :out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvnvf/space_colonization/
%
A newly released scientific study has found that pregnant women who use vibrators, are 90% more likely to have a child...

...that stutters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvlhv/a_newly_released_scientific_study_has_found_that/
%
My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £6000

She must think I'm crazy!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvknv/my_therapist_said_i_could_book_10_sessions_in/
%
[NSFW] a man and a woman are having sex

A man and a woman are having sex and suddenly he stops moving and after a minute he continues. The woman asks "Honey, what was that?" The man explains: "This is a new technique I learned on the Internet: it's called buffering."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvgbu/nsfw_a_man_and_a_woman_are_having_sex/
%
A woman dies and goes to heaven.

When she gets there, he meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates.  He ticks her name off on the register and introduces her to an angel.
"She'll give you a tour", he says.
And the angel does this, and shows the newly-deceased woman around heaven with a detailed tour, beginning with the Pearly Gates.
Later in the tour, it seems as though the angel has shown the woman everything there is to see in heaven, when the woman notices a tall wall around a sort of enclosure.
And so, she asks her guide:
"What's that huge walled bit for?"
And the angel replies:
"Oh, that's just for the Catholics.  They like to think they're the only ones in here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvfct/a_woman_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
A short person walks into a bar.

And his tall friend trips over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvehk/a_short_person_walks_into_a_bar/
%
In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvczr/in_space_two_aliens_are_talking_to_each_other/
%
If you could have delicious dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose first?

"Jesus Christ."
Why him?
"More food for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cvauc/if_you_could_have_delicious_dinner_with_any/
%
Islam is indeed a religion of peace.

A "peace" of you here, a "peace" of you there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cv9ri/islam_is_indeed_a_religion_of_peace/
%
Did I ever tell you about my mute friend?

We used to be very close, but I haven't heard from him for a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cv9m9/did_i_ever_tell_you_about_my_mute_friend/
%
Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.
At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.
He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off.
He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.
The cop was dumbfounded.
'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.
'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cv8y0/excuse_me_sir_how_much_have_you_had_to_drink/
%
My Son is such a c**t...

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cv8mv/my_son_is_such_a_ct/
%
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...

...so I got drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cv8d0/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_go_out_and_get_something/
%
Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cv86h/joke_i_heard_from_a_99_year_old_holocaust_survivor/
%
19 and 20 had a fight...

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cv56k/19_and_20_had_a_fight/
%
What did the guidance councilor say to the suicide bomber?

What do you wanna be when you blow up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cv3wq/what_did_the_guidance_councilor_say_to_the/
%
What was Hitler's favourite drinking game?

Guess the juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cv2v6/what_was_hitlers_favourite_drinking_game/
%
The 5th floor of the construction site

A man named Alex, is on the 5th floor of a construction site, and he really needed a Hammer but he didn't want to have to climb down to the ground to go an grab one. So Alex called out to his mate Jacob on the ground floor.
"HEY JACOB" Alex yelled, "CAN YOU RUN ME UP A HAMMER, MATE?"
But due to the distance, Jacob couldn't hear. So Alex got an idea, he'd just act out what he wanted.
So he looks at Jacob and points to him, then he points back to himself, then he acts out hitting a nail with a hammer.
Jacob, understanding what Alex need gave him a thumbs up, then he unbuckled his trousers and started jerking off.
Outraged and sick of Jacobs shit, Alex climbs down to the ground floor and starts yelling at him.
"ALL I ASKED FOR IS A FUCKING HAMMER, AND YOU'RE DOWN HERE JERKING OFF?"
And Jacob replied
"Oh my bad Alex, I was just acting out that I was coming"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cuyyh/the_5th_floor_of_the_construction_site/
%
Grocery store

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cuxei/grocery_store/
%
Robin says to Batman:

- Batman, batremote to battv doesn't work!
- Did you check batteries?
- What are teries?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cuvvl/robin_says_to_batman/
%
I called the police to report a murder in my front yard but they refused to respond

They said if I really wanted the crows gone I'd have to do it myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cutxx/i_called_the_police_to_report_a_murder_in_my/
%
A German student asked his math teacher "do you have a favorite number?"

The teacher replied "nein!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8curuv/a_german_student_asked_his_math_teacher_do_you/
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Whats the difference between a blond girl and an elevator?

An elevator only fits 5 people in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cul7v/whats_the_difference_between_a_blond_girl_and_an/
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What did Oedipus say whenever he tasted something savoury?

Oo mommy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cukrn/what_did_oedipus_say_whenever_he_tasted_something/
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What happens when you plant a cow?

It grows into a bovine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cugla/what_happens_when_you_plant_a_cow/
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What happens if a pirate abuses his parrots?

The Yarrr-SPCA come and take them away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cueq9/what_happens_if_a_pirate_abuses_his_parrots/
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It's sad when horses get divorced

I guess their kids won't have a *stable* household.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cudct/its_sad_when_horses_get_divorced/
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What's better than roses on a piano?

Two lips on an organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cubh2/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
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I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cub5y/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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Son: Why is my sister called Teresa? Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram.

Son: Thanks Dad.
Dad: No problem, Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cu814/son_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa_dad_coz_your/
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In an alternate universe, the 2016 Presidential Election didn’t go as planned...

Let’s say it’s an alternate universe. The race is in between Bernie, Hilary, and Donald for position of POTUS. But since no one liked any of the candidates, nobody voted. Absolutely nobody. So  Congress decides that this will be settled with an ACTUAL Presidential race. As in, the three candidates have to run a mile and the one with the lowest time wins.
So, Bernie Sanders runs. Gets a whopping 10:48, almost 11 minutes. A no-go for him. Coming in last, he slumps off in defeat. Next is Trump. He gets 10:20, barely beating Bernie. He’s confidant that “Crooked Hilary” won’t be able to beat him. Keep in mind that all of the candidates are pretty old. Their organs are falling out by the time they’re all done running. Their organs are falling out from standing up straight, probably. Hilary finishes, and she collapses on the ground from exhaustion. Her time was 9:37. She won, finishing in 9 minutes and 37 seconds. Some senators approach her, and she’s ready to give her speech of thanks. She says,
“Wow, I did 9:37. That’s gotta he some kind of record, right?”
Someone replies ,
“No, actually. Bush did 9:11.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cu6to/in_an_alternate_universe_the_2016_presidential/
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Getting $25 for free (hint: use a duck)

Once, my father gave me a dollar and told me to use it wisely. So I went outside and walked down the street, wondering what I should use it for. Before long, I came across a man on the sidewalk who was carrying a beautiful duck. I asked him if he'd give me the duck for the dollar I had, and he did. So I took the duck and started heading back home. But on my way, I saw this beautiful woman. I asked her if she would have sex with me if I gave her the duck, and she said sure, that it was a lovely duck. So we had sex, and I gave her the duck. But she immediately told me that she had such a great time that she would give the duck back if we could do it again. So naturally, I accepted the offer. But while we were having sex, the duck wondered off into the street and was run over by a car. After we were done, I looked at what was left of the duck, and it was basically just a flat pancake on the ground. The woman apologized, and gave me twenty-five dollars to buy a new duck. So I thanked her and headed home. I showed my father the twenty-five dollars I had gotten, and he congratulated me and asked how I got it. So I told him, "A duck for a buck, a fuck for a duck, and 25 bucks for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cu1dh/getting_25_for_free_hint_use_a_duck/
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What is the hairiest side of a horse?

The Outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ctxfk/what_is_the_hairiest_side_of_a_horse/
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An American Man Moves to Scotland

Fed up with his life in the states he packs up everything he owns and moves to a tiny cottage in the far north highlands of Scotland. He lives there quietly content for over a month before meeting anyone.
One day the American hears a knock on his door and opens it to find his neighbor a big, burly, red-headed bear of a Scotsman with hairy legs covered by a traditional kilt. The American invites him in and makes a pot of tea for the two of them.
“I came here to invite you to a party at my place tonight.” The Scotsman says.
“That sounds great,” the American replies, “I haven’t gotten to know anyone yet so I’d love to see what you do for fun around here.”
“But I’ve got to warn you,” the Scotsman tells him, “There’s going to be drinkin’!”
“That’s alright,” the American replies, “I bought a few bottles of whiskey at the duty free shop when I first arrived and this seems like a great occasion to open them up.”
“But I’ve also got to warn you,” the Scotsman continues, “There’s going to be fightin’! Any time there’s drinking at my house there’s always bound to be a fight.”
“That’s alright,” the American replies, “I was bullied a lot in high school and learned martial arts to defend myself so if there’s fighting I can handle it.”
“But I’ve also got to warn you,” the Scotsman continues, “There’s going to be dancin’! Always have a good dance or two or three at my house!”
“That’s alright,” the American replies, “You see, the reason I was bullied in high school was because I was a competitive waltz champion. I can dance with the best of them no problem.”
“But I’ve also got to warn you,” the Scotsman continues, “There’s going to be fuckin’! Hot, sweaty, hairy, steamy sex in every corner of me cottage!”
The American blushes, his hands shake as he sets his tea on the end table. “I’m not sure that’ll be good for me. You see, I get really nervous around girls. I’ve never dated much, or had success with flirting, I’d probably embarrass myself in front of every woman there. Maybe I shouldn’t come.”
“Girls?!” The Scotsman laughs as he slaps the American on the shoulder, “Don’t be daft and worry about that laddie! It’s just goin’ to be the two of us there!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ctx8o/an_american_man_moves_to_scotland/
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A man walks into a Subway...

A man walks into a Subway and orders a meatball marinara, the worker then asks him
"Would you like a joke along with your meal today?"
To which the man replies
"I sure would"
The worker then leaves and comes back with a huge walnut, the man sighs of disappointment and takes the walnut, cracks it open, retrieves his meatball marinara out of it and eats it. The next day the same man comes to the Subway and again orders a meatball marinara, the worker again asks,
"Would you like a joke with your meal today?"
To which the man replies,
"Yes, and please make sure to include it this time"
The worker then leaves and comes back with another large walnut. The man sighs of disappointment once more and cracks the shell open and eats his meatball marinara. The next day the same man comes back to the Subway, this time more determined. He orders his usual meatball marinara and the worker once again asks
"Would you like a joke with your meal today?"
To which the man replies,
"Yes, but there better be one this time"
The worker the leaves and comes back with another large walnut. The man then cracks it open and sees his meatball marinara once again, he looks up at the worker and states
"This is the third day in a row I have been here and I have yet to receive a joke with my order, I wish to complain to a manager"
The employee then grabs the manager and the man explains his distress of being promised a joke and not receiving one, the manager then looks down at the counter and says
"Oh I see, the joke is this sub in a nutshell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ctr5s/a_man_walks_into_a_subway/
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GF: Why are you buying a puzzle when you don't have brain to play it?

BF: Do I complain when you purchase bras?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ctq0f/gf_why_are_you_buying_a_puzzle_when_you_dont_have/
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A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately

To an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ctp4h/a_man_joins_the_navy_and_is_shipped_out/
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Socrates the philosopher . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ctoc6/socrates_the_philosopher/
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Two thieves are rooting through a farmer's shed

The farmer sneaks up on the shed and locks the door from the outside trapping the two thieves inside.  So he calls the OPP (Ontario Provincial Police) and tells them he has the two thieves locked in his shed and to come and arrest them.  The dispatch says that they are really busy and will get there when the can.
A half hour later the farmer calls the OPP back and says, "don't worry about the rush, I shot the two guys in my shed" and hangs up.
10 minutes go by and three cruisers speed up the driveway, the farmer is standing by the shed.  They farmer yells at them "they're over here and unlocks the shed to see two alive thieves with their hands up when they see all the police.
"I thought you said you shot them?" One of the cops said.  The Farmer replied "I thought you said you were busy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ctnt9/two_thieves_are_rooting_through_a_farmers_shed/
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Hey, let's go outside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ctnfu/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call a crappy circumcision

A rip off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ctkhd/what_do_you_call_a_crappy_circumcision/
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What comes after 16 sodium atoms?

Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ctimt/what_comes_after_16_sodium_atoms/
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When I offer to rub on your back in the shower..

..a simple "yes" or "no" answer would suffice.
But please, don't start asking all those silly questions like "who are you?" and "how did you get in my house?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ctb1f/when_i_offer_to_rub_on_your_back_in_the_shower/
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On Halloween I give young kids little boxes of raisins.

I've been accused of statutory grape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ctaoa/on_halloween_i_give_young_kids_little_boxes_of/
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A guy is sitting in the living room with his wife when the phone rings.

He picks it up, listens for a moment then says, "I don't know, maybe you should call the coast guard." "Who was that?," his wife asks when he hangs up.. "I'm not sure but they wanted to know if the coast is clear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cta0h/a_guy_is_sitting_in_the_living_room_with_his_wife/
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Poop jokes aren't my favorite type of joke...

...but they're a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ct8qf/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite_type_of_joke/
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A Limbless Girl

One day a boy was walking out on his favourite pier at the beach to enjoy the view. As he came closer to the end, he noticed a girl with no limbs sitting on a bench crying.
The boy asked, “why are you crying?”
The girls responded, “no one has ever given me a hug before.”
So the boy bent down and gave her a really long hug. When he was finished the girl then continued to cry.
The boy asked, “why are you crying?”
The girl responded, “no one has ever given me a kiss before.”
So he looked at her intently and then gave her a very intimate kiss. After he finished she then continued to cry.
The boy asked, “why are you crying?”
The girl responded, “no one has ever fucked me before.”
The boy then picks her up, walks to the edge and throws her in the ocean and says, “you’re fucked now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ct6wq/a_limbless_girl/
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My friend lost his phone today

He wanted me to tell you guys he's vegan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ct62u/my_friend_lost_his_phone_today/
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

if you throw it hard enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ct2o3/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away/
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I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars

V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8csy3p/i_only_started_space_exploration_this_week_and/
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I went to a wedding in a Faraday cage...

There was no reception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8csx6k/i_went_to_a_wedding_in_a_faraday_cage/
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Wanna get back on your feet again?

Miss a few car payments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cssjd/wanna_get_back_on_your_feet_again/
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I've always hated donating blood.

They always ask way too many questions. Like, "Where did you get the blood" or "Whose blood is this". Like come on, I'm donating just be grateful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8csrx5/ive_always_hated_donating_blood/
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What do you call a cow with no legs...

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8csrrg/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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Why is *traveled* spelled *travelled* by the British?

Because they traveled home with that *L* in 1783

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cspal/why_is_traveled_spelled_travelled_by_the_british/
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You should never divorce a furry.

I don’t remember why, but I think it’s an old wife’s tail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8csjhx/you_should_never_divorce_a_furry/
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Why didn't the Mexican ever walk into a glass door again?

Because Juan does not simply walk into more doors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8csgt2/why_didnt_the_mexican_ever_walk_into_a_glass_door/
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Sir you tested positive for opiates

Me: I had a bagel for breakfast that morning
Doctor: You also tested positive for marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, methamphetamine and just about every other drug
Me:...It was an everything bagel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8csgi5/sir_you_tested_positive_for_opiates/
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What's the difference between broadway and sitting on the toilet?

On Broadway you're trying to make a splash!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8csfq3/whats_the_difference_between_broadway_and_sitting/
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Why cant dinosaurs clap there hands?

Because they are dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8csarh/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap_there_hands/
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Why is Peter pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cs5mr/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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Here I thought 3.5” would never impress a girl

but then I whipped out my credit card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cs4zq/here_i_thought_35_would_never_impress_a_girl/
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My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me

I guess that's just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cs4gk/my_girlfriend_says_she_doesnt_trust_me/
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What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,
We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:
Illegal Downloading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cs47j/what_is_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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What do fat women and Bricks have in common?

They’re both eventually laid by Mexicans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cs254/what_do_fat_women_and_bricks_have_in_common/
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Husband Wins The Lotto

A Husband wins the lotto, and in his excitement he hurries home to inform his wife.
He says, "hunny pack your bags, I just won the lottery!"
Wife says " Really?! That's great! What should I pack for, the beach or snow?"
Husband says "I don't care where you, just get the fuck out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cs1t3/husband_wins_the_lotto/
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A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral

. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "That means a lot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cs0zf/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
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After a long life married together, grandma and grandpa are bored with their sex life...

... but Grandpa comes up with a great idea!
he says: "Darling, things in bed have been the same for half a century. i think its time we try something new. so, ive been thinking about it, and i had a *realy* great idea!"
"Ohhh you!" replies grandma: "what do you have in mind?"
"So this is the idea" grandpa explains: "I bought this bunch of flavoured condoms. i will put one on, and you try to guess the taste!"
"Omnomnunknomsuck" grandma goes smaks her lips twice and with a proud look in her eyes she knows: "PARMESAN!"
"stupid bitch!!" grandpa compliains: "you have to wait for me to put it on first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cs0xt/after_a_long_life_married_together_grandma_and/
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You know who’s a real showstopper?

John Wilkes Booth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8crx67/you_know_whos_a_real_showstopper/
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I don’t care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8crurw/i_dont_care_if_caitlin_jenner_identifies_as_a/
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I was talking to my physics teacher...

Teacher: hey, do you know what salt lake city is?
Me: yeah
Teacher: cool, you know what den city is?
Me: no?
Teacher: oh, its mass over volume

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8crscm/i_was_talking_to_my_physics_teacher/
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Have you heard of the band 999 megabytes?

Probably not, they haven't got a gig yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8crs0t/have_you_heard_of_the_band_999_megabytes/
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Why does Mike Pence keep all of his clothes in drawers?

Because he can't stand anything coming out of the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8crpxa/why_does_mike_pence_keep_all_of_his_clothes_in/
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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage, but the man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir." the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cro81/a_man_in_melbourne_walked_into_the_produce/
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I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival

My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8crlyz/i_was_recently_fired_from_my_job_operating_rides/
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Why didn't Jesus play hockey?

Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in Mexico.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8crjz9/why_didnt_jesus_play_hockey/
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2 engineers on a bike

Two engineers were biking across a university campus when one said,"where did you get such a great bike?" the second engineer replied, "well, i was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "take what you want."" the first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8crith/2_engineers_on_a_bike/
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I once cut down a tree just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8crhkt/i_once_cut_down_a_tree_just_by_looking_at_it/
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I hope Elon Musk never gets in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8crfxw/i_hope_elon_musk_never_gets_in_a_scandal/
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The Cheese Test

A young herdsman wanted to get married. Now he knew three sisters. All were equally beautiful, and he liked them all equally well, so he could not decide which of them he should choose as his bride. His mother noticed this, and she said to him, "Let me give you some good advice. Invite all three sisters to eat with you at the same time. Serve them some cheese and pay attention to what they do with it."
The son followed this advice. He invited the girls to his house and served them cheese. The first one greedily ate her piece, complete with the rind, so that not a trace of it was left. The second one, to the contrary, cut off the rind so thick that she wasted a lot of good cheese. The third one neatly peeled off just the right amount of rind.
So he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8crfhy/the_cheese_test/
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The jealous husband!

After the husband heard that his wife was cheating on him, he went home furiously and saw his wife cheating with his friend. He shoots his friend right there and he dies. The wife, after saw what happened, said to her husband:
“Honey, if you keep doing that, you will lose all of your friends”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cr24d/the_jealous_husband/
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A truck carrying Scrabble games crashed yesterday

That’s the word on the street, anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cr1ci/a_truck_carrying_scrabble_games_crashed_yesterday/
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In order to be trusted in a relationship, you have to stay true...

Because “trusted” without “true” is just an “std”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cr03e/in_order_to_be_trusted_in_a_relationship_you_have/
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What borders on stupidity?

Mexico and Canada

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqzmw/what_borders_on_stupidity/
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Me: *gets down on one knee*

she: OMG it's finally happening.
me: *falls over*
she: the poison is kicking in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqvth/me_gets_down_on_one_knee/
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It's better to be knocked down and held up,

than held down and knocked up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqv29/its_better_to_be_knocked_down_and_held_up/
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Dave had afarm.

One day he bought a rooster because there were none left in the farm. He had like 400 chickens who had to be fertilized but the rooster fucks them all. Dave’s really impressed.
At noon he fucks them all again and this time even harder. Dave starts getting worried now.
The next day , Dave finds the rooster fucking 200 ducks , gooses and all the parrots. Dave starts getting seriously worried now.
The next day he finds the rooster stretched out & half dead and crows were flying all over the place.
Dave said: Eh you whoremonger , you deserved this , I hope you’ll be eaten by those crows now!!!!
The rooster opens an eye , lifts his head slowly and said: Shhhhh, Dave. Be quiet , let them land on the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cquud/dave_had_afarm/
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2 scientists walk into a crowded pub and sit at the bar. One says, I'll have an H2O. The 2nd says I'll have an H2O too.

The bartender, not being a scientist himself, doesn't realize the 2nd patron ordered hydrogen peroxide and gives him regualr water. However, the bartender is pretty pissed that there are 2 people sitting at his bar, taking up seats that could be used for paying customers. He also knows the state of salries for scientists, and it's paultry, so they are most likey going to cheap out on the tip. And they do, 20% of $0, is still 0.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cquoz/2_scientists_walk_into_a_crowded_pub_and_sit_at/
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A lot of women are turning into good drivers

So if you’re a good driver watch out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqu98/a_lot_of_women_are_turning_into_good_drivers/
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My girlfriend is off out to buy a dominatrix outfit on Saturday.

Although she prefers to call it a wedding dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqu0q/my_girlfriend_is_off_out_to_buy_a_dominatrix/
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A married man man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp a few times and a genie comes out and says “You are my new master and I’m a genie with a twist so whatever you wish your wife gets two of!”
The man says “I wish for a mansion!” The genie says “Okay, but your wife gets two!”
He wishes for a million dollars, and his wife gets two million.
For his final wish he looks at the genie and says “I wish I was beaten half to death.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqtgd/a_married_man_man_finds_a_magic_lamp/
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A blonde gets on a plane with her friend and they take their seats.

An hour or so after take off, they're handed an eye mask and pillow. The blonde ponders the in-flight entertainment for a moment, then puts on her eye mask and kicks back... when suddenly, the plane violently shakes and everyone starts to scream.
The hull of the plane tears open, ripping off the blonde's eye mask in an instant. She watches in horror as a number of passengers are torn from their seats and thrown out of the plane.
All around her, passengers are being decapitated by a flying debris. All she can do is stare at it all, gawping in awe.
The plane plummets as the wings are torn off and the fuel tanks explode. It crashes to the ground and glides through a thick jungle, slowly skidding to a stop.
The blonde is the only surviver.
Trembling with adrenaline, she nudges her dead friend with an elbow and shouts, "FUCKING HELL!! Have you tried these new VR goggles, they're incredible!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqt3r/a_blonde_gets_on_a_plane_with_her_friend_and_they/
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Everyone talks about the post office

But nobody ever talks about the pre office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqpbj/everyone_talks_about_the_post_office/
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A rich man and a poor man both happen to be looking at birthday cards for their wives...

The rich man and poor man find out their wives share the same birthday.
The rich man proudly boasts what he got his wife for the special occasion.
"I got her a brand new Porsche **and** a diamond necklace. You see, if she doesn't like the car, I'll just give her the necklace! What did you get your wife?"
The poor man replies "Oh, I don't have that kind of money. I just got her a pair of flip flops and a dildo, so if she doesn't like the flip flops I'll tell her to go fuck herself."
Fin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqnk8/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_both_happen_to_be/
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What is a priest's favorite type of meat?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqlcm/what_is_a_priests_favorite_type_of_meat/
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A man walks into a bar, he goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

A man walks into a bar...
He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.
The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"
The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his glass eye and bites down on it.
Laughing, the man sees that the bartender is upset about losing his money, so he offers him a chance to win it back. "Double or nothin' says I can bite my other eye."
The bartender thinks it over. He knows he was just tricked out of $50 but he also knows that this man can't possibly have two glass eyes, so he pulls another $50 from the register and accepts the man's bet.
The man promptly takes out his false teeth and gently closes them around his other eye.
Now the bartender is visibly angry to have been had for $100, and the man's laughter isn't helping. Just before he throws him out of his bar, the man puts his hand up.
"Real sorry about that, pal. I get people with that bit all the time, but you've been a good sport, so I'll give you another chance to win some cash. I've got... $500 that says if you slide a shot glass down the bar top, I can run alongside of it and piss into the glass without missing a drop. This is kinda hard for me to do, though, so I think it's fair if you give me two chances at it."
The bartender, eager to win his money back from the man, thinks to himself and realizes just how hard it would be for this man to piss into a shot glass while running at full speed. Especially knowing he only has one eye to line up his shot. After a minute of deliberation, he willingly accepts the bet.
The man drops his pants to his ankles and when the bartender puts the shot glass down on the counter, shouts a resounding, "Go!" prompting the bartender to slide it along the bar top.
The man chases after it, holding his dick at an angle to properly aim it. However, pissing while running at full speed isn't easy, so he only manages to get a couple of drops in the glass by the time it reaches the other end.
Catching his breath, the man reminds the bartender he has a second try, and that the first was simply to get his bearings straight. Once again, he shouts, "Go!" giving the bartender his cue to send the shot glass back down the bar.
Once again, the man chases wildly after it, spraying piss all over the bar top, stools, floor, and even hitting some of the bottles of liquor behind the bar. However, not one drop of urine found it's way into the shot glass.
Head hanging low, he hands the bartender $500, to which the bartender gleefully accepted, jumping up and down in joy and cheering in victory at the cash he had just made.
All of a sudden, a man in the back of the bar slams his fist hard against his table and screams "Fuck!" at the top of his lungs.
The bartender mutters aloud, "I wonder what his problem is."
To which the man replies, "Oh, I just bet that guy $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be so happy about it you jumped up and down with joy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqk5c/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_he_goes_up_to_the/
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John Cena and Nikki Bella broke up.

She just couldn't see him anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqjnp/john_cena_and_nikki_bella_broke_up/
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How it's fair to call the British PM a fool?

During the Word War- II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war"...!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqj17/how_its_fair_to_call_the_british_pm_a_fool/
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What do you call someone who writes death metal instrumentals?

A decomposer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqiv8/what_do_you_call_someone_who_writes_death_metal/
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A woman and a black man are dancing in a bar

After a bit of dancing they go back to the woman’s place
They start to kiss and began to undress
Before the black man takes off his pants the woman says
“Is it true what they say about black men”
“Yes” he proceeds to stab her and steals her purse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqhx3/a_woman_and_a_black_man_are_dancing_in_a_bar/
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What do you call a sleeping T-Rex?

A Dinosnore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqhl6/what_do_you_call_a_sleeping_trex/
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A woman is desperately looking for a husband, but she happens to stumble upon a stores that sells men.

The woman can't believe her luck, and runs inside. On the first floor, there is a sign that reads:
"Welcome to the Husband Store! There are 9 floors in all, but be warned: once you go past a floor, you're not allowed to go back down. You either make a purchase, or leave empty handed."
The woman scoffs at the sign, and makes her way to the second floor. On the second floor, there are a selection of men in glass tubes, in stasis. On a podium, there is a sign that reads:
"These are men. There's nothing special about them, but they are desperate for love."
The woman browses momentarily, but is displeased and moves to the third floor. On the third floor, there are more men, locked away in tubes. On a podium, there is a sign that reads:
"These men have well-paying jobs."
Looking around, she sees men dressed as doctors and bankers. She's still uninterested, and goes to the fourth floor. On this floor, there are even more men. On a podium, there is a sign that reads:
"These men have well-paying jobs and are good with kids."
She looks, but isn't amused. She is getting a bit frustrated, but she makes her way to the fifth floor. On this floor, the men are noticeably more attractive. On a podium, there is a sign that reads:
"These men have well-paying jobs, are good with kids and are very handsome."
Somewhat more interested, the woman looks around. She finds a nice looking man, dressed as a surgeon. As she's about to push the button to release him from his prison, she thinks to herself:
"Hmm, well, the men seem to get better with each floor, and I'm only on the fifth floor! I should keep going!"
And so, she did. She climbed the stairs to the sixth floor, with a room full of more men. On a podium, there is a sign that reads:
"These men are rich and retired, good with kids, and very handsome."
The woman looks around, but some of the men are a bit older this time. Dissatisfied, she moves to the seventh floor. In this room with men, on a podium, there is a sign that reads:
"These men are rich and retired, young, good with kids, and very handsome."
She looks around and finds a perfect man. He's in a black suit, and he's holding the keys to an expensive car in his right hand. As she's about to push the button to release him, she thinks to herself:
"Wow, he's perfect! But...there are still two more floors! Why not get an even better man?"
So, she left the man to stay frozen forever in time, and went to the eighth floor. In this room, the men were naked. On a podium, there is a sign that reads:
"These men are rich, young, hung like horses, good with children, romantic, and loving. They will cherish you forever, but you must make a choice soon..."
The woman looked and looked, and she found yet another perfect man. Perfect in every way, she almost pushed the button to free him, until she thought:
"Well, if these men are so perfect, the ninth floor men must be gods! I'll skip you."
And so, the woman went to the ninth floor. This room was far different than the other rooms. It was empty, and as she stepped in, the door slammed and locked behind her. After that, another door on the right of her opened up with the words "EXIT" in red above it.
After staring in confusion for a few seconds, she heard a whirring sound. After a few seconds, she sees a figure in the distance of the far side of the room.
It was two podiums, one with more text, and another with a dildo laying atop of it.
On the podium, there is a sign that reads:
"Congratulations, you're ninth floor visitor 3,424,872,185. You've reached the top. In doing so, you have passed by over 100 men that we captured and locked away here. You could have freed one of them to live a happy life with, but instead, you proved that it is impossible to satisfy a woman. As consolation, here is a dildo to go fuck yourself with.
Now get out, and have a nice day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqh6y/a_woman_is_desperately_looking_for_a_husband_but/
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The polish bride.

What is long and hard, that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqglx/the_polish_bride/
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I have this amazing plan this summer. I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust, become their confidant, and when they least expect it...BANG!!!

I will fuck their boyfriends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqfcf/i_have_this_amazing_plan_this_summer_ill_pretend/
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I got banned form laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqcvk/i_got_banned_form_laser_tag_today/
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Pay her more for that.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.  The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqbgi/pay_her_more_for_that/
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Why did the journalist fail at killing himself?

Because of the breaking noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqb4i/why_did_the_journalist_fail_at_killing_himself/
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Apparently 30 percent of under-6's in the U.S know how to use an iPad.

Whereas 100 percent of under-6's in China know how to make one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cqa3f/apparently_30_percent_of_under6s_in_the_us_know/
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A weasel walks into the bar. The bartender says wow! In all my years bar tending I’ve never seen a weasel in a bar before. What can I get for you?

Pop, goes the weasel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cq73b/a_weasel_walks_into_the_bar_the_bartender_says/
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What's the difference between Starbucks and a prostitute?

Nothing, they both suck and will empty your wallet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cq5u7/whats_the_difference_between_starbucks_and_a/
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What's LXIX?

Sixty-nine the hard way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cq5lj/whats_lxix/
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She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"

Everyone in the bar stops and stares.
Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cpwkg/she_yells_no_i_wont_sleep_with_you_tonight_you_pig/
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All mushrooms are edible

But some mushrooms are only edible once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cpvzo/all_mushrooms_are_edible/
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One lady asks another....

“Has your husband been circumcised?”
She replies “no, he’s always been a complete dick!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cpvk5/one_lady_asks_another/
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Don't Step on the Ducks!

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks! "So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cpv95/dont_step_on_the_ducks/
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I never give money to homeless people

...because I know i’m going to buy booze with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cpsup/i_never_give_money_to_homeless_people/
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What's the difference between a Syrian wedding and an ISIS training camp?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cpr5j/whats_the_difference_between_a_syrian_wedding_and/
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A man walks into a costume party

Wearing nothing but underwear, and with a girl wrapped to his back with silver tape.
A friend of his welcomes him and asks "So... What are you dressed as?"
"I'm a turtle", answers the guy.
"And who is this on your back?"
"Oh, that's just Michelle."
(Probably a repost, I know, but the joke is just too good)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cpqwz/a_man_walks_into_a_costume_party/
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A couple of bros go out for a weekend of partying before exams

Their original plan was to spend the saturday partying and then spend sunday studying, but they got so caught up in the fun the spent the entire weekend. Skip ahead to monday, the bros woke up late and hungover, and realizing they're late for their exam they rush to class.
When the professor asks them why they were late they tell him that their tire blew out on the way to class so they were delayed. Understanding, the professor tells the bros that he'll set them up for the exam the next day.
The bros show up the next day confident that they're gonna ace their exam, they studied all day and all night, there's no way they're going to fail!
The professor takes the bros' phones and gives them their exams. Before letting them go, he tells the bros how the exam works. He tells them:
"There are two parts to the exam, the first part is multiple choice, there will be 100 questions"
The bros are a little taken aback, but understand, this is an exam after all.
"The second part is short answer, there will be one question, this is worth 90% of your mark"
This really knocked the bros off their feet, but overlooked it because it's an exam after all.
The professor sits the bros down in seperate rooms leaves them to do their exams.
The bros are breezing through this exam, all thst studying really helped, but what would be the point of doing the multiple choice if it only couts for 10%? Curious, one of the bros flips through to the final page and reads the short answer.
"Q. 1: Which tire?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cpkfd/a_couple_of_bros_go_out_for_a_weekend_of_partying/
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What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're 12 years old to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cpjih/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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I am a little O.C.D when I masturbate

I can’t cum without touching myself like a thousand times
Credit- Mike Falzone from Dynamic Banter podcast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cpf1h/i_am_a_little_ocd_when_i_masturbate/
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Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"

I've sent her my washing, that should keep her busy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cpcxr/got_an_email_today_from_a_bored_housewife_32/
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There I stood wearing a coat of carrots and a hat made of cauliflower.

"What the fuck is this?" asked my wife.
I said, "You told me to put the vegetables on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cpcdk/there_i_stood_wearing_a_coat_of_carrots_and_a_hat/
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I asked Trump, "What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?"

Trump replied, "Well I never paid to have a *garbanzo bean* on my face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cp8no/i_asked_trump_whats_the_difference_between_a/
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Organ meeting (different from the one when they argue who is in charge)

All the organs and body parts have a meeting. Brain informs them that once a year, they can afford a therapy for one of them, to help it function properly again. Brain then asks them if they have any problems, so it knows which one needs therapy the most.
"All the smoking completely ruined us. We barely function!" wheeze the lungs.
"You have no idea how much this guy drinks! It is suffering!" says the liver.
"I need a therapy as well" can be heard from the very back of the meeting room.
Brain looks at the organ that said that, very annoyed.
"At least stand straight when you are speaking to me!"
"If I could, I wouldn´t need a therapy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cp860/organ_meeting_different_from_the_one_when_they/
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Why don’t blind people skydive?

Because it scares the hell out of their dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cp6v7/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
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The guy that polishes my shoes doesn't enjoy Stephen King's books.

But he's always loved The Shining

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cp5am/the_guy_that_polishes_my_shoes_doesnt_enjoy/
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I have a Polish friend who's an audio engineer.

And a Czech one too. Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cp57n/i_have_a_polish_friend_whos_an_audio_engineer/
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What's the difference? between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

and, in written form - grammer is; very important!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cp4qb/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and_a/
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If I had 50 cents for every math exam I failed in college...

I would be up to about $6.30 now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cp455/if_i_had_50_cents_for_every_math_exam_i_failed_in/
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Do You Know Who I Am?

BOY: Isn’t our principal stupid?
GIRL: Hey, do you know who I am?
BOY: No, why should I?
GIRL: I’m the principal’s daughter.
BOY: Do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY: Thank goodness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cp1fs/do_you_know_who_i_am/
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A patient goes to a new optometrist.

“What seems to be the problem?”
“Well something is wrong with my left eye. It doesn’t seem right.”
“Well that’s because it’s your left. Any other questions?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cp0eo/a_patient_goes_to_a_new_optometrist/
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Bacon and eggs

walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8coyqw/bacon_and_eggs/
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Workplace efficiency, spoons and penises:

(Probably a repost because it's an old joke but I'm doing it anyway. Apologies in advance if I waste your time on this site designed for wasting time.)
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8coyaa/workplace_efficiency_spoons_and_penises/
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The best part of having a 75" TV is watching porn.

Now all the actresses look as wide as my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cowgs/the_best_part_of_having_a_75_tv_is_watching_porn/
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My girlfriend asked what I thought about having a threesome.

I said if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I would just have dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8covz6/my_girlfriend_asked_what_i_thought_about_having_a/
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Father Christmas and the Question...

Father Christmas asks little Charlotte what she wants for a present. "I want a Barbie doll and a G.I Joe please." she says. "I thought Barbie came with Ken?" replies Santa. "No" says Charlotte. "Barbie comes with Joe, She fakes it with Ken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8coq9x/father_christmas_and_the_question/
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I like my coffee how i like my women

WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN THEM JESSICA YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8coq3z/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
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I walked up to the bar.

I said, "My date would like a drink. What would you recommend?"
He said, "Anything that helps her to get to know the real *you*, sir."
I rummaged around in my wallet and said, "Tap water it is, then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8comu5/i_walked_up_to_the_bar/
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My teacher put me in detention because I was talking about drugs.

For about an hour she made me do lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8coin2/my_teacher_put_me_in_detention_because_i_was/
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A woman and her finger

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”
So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.
She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8coin3/a_woman_and_her_finger/
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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8coek7/a_very_elderly_couple_is_having_an_elegant_dinner/
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8coej4/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_has_lost_his_car/
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A penguin is driving through town on a hot summer day.

Unfortunately, his car breaks down and he's forced to take it to a mechanic. The mechanic says "I'll have a look, just go do something for a bit and come back. I'll let you know what I find when you get back."
So, with some time to kill the penguin goes across the road to get some ice cream. Due to the heat, the ice cream melts fast while the penguin tries to eat it. He makes an awful mess, all over his flappers and beak.
He goes back to the mechanic when he's done his ice cream and the mechanic says "Looks like you just a blew a seal"
"Oh no I was just eating some ice cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8codpl/a_penguin_is_driving_through_town_on_a_hot_summer/
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A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to his penis
The bartender points it out. The pirate responds by saying "Arr! It's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8codo9/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cobeh/joe_had_suffered_from_really_bad_headaches_for/
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People say Steve Jobs died too soon.

But I think its a fitting metaphor for his company's attitude to battery life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8co78t/people_say_steve_jobs_died_too_soon/
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What did the spice jar say as he emptied into the dish?

Oh my god, I'm cumin!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8co46a/what_did_the_spice_jar_say_as_he_emptied_into_the/
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The interviewer asked me to show him an example of leadership skills.

"OK," I replied. "I'm hired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cnvbl/the_interviewer_asked_me_to_show_him_an_example/
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A redhead tells her blonde stepsister...

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cnt1p/a_redhead_tells_her_blonde_stepsister/
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Roses are dead, violets are dead

And I'm a bad gardener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cnq8y/roses_are_dead_violets_are_dead/
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Can't sleep at all...

One morning a doctor received the most laggard looking patient he had ever seen. "I can't sleep", said the patient. "The dogs in the street outside my window bark all night long -- and its driving me mad!"
"There now", said the doctor soothingly. "Try using these new sleeping pills."
A week later the patient was back, looking even more tired and distressed. "Didn't the pills work?" asked the doctor.
"No", the patient replied, sobbing. "I've been up every night chasing those damn dogs, and even if I catch one, it just won't swallow the fucking pill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cnq51/cant_sleep_at_all/
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A bus full of politicians crashes in a big deserted area..

There was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goes to take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. Half & hour minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer says "Don't worry they were all dead so I buried them." The policeman gets confused and asks if he is 100% sure and farmer replies "Yeah some of them said things like "I'm alive, please stop!" but you know the politicians right? They are all fucking liars...!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cnnkv/a_bus_full_of_politicians_crashes_in_a_big/
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A Chinese student is quite good with mental calculation

... but has this habit of looking up whenever he does heavy calculation. He is a third-year student in a university, major in Computer Science. And he works part time in a convenient store near his uni. He doesn’t speak much on his part time job, but he is honest, hard working, and is well mannered around the customers. The shop owner likes him.
One day on his shift, the student was attending a cashier, when suddenly a black out happened. Without the help of the barcode scanner or the computer, the student utilized his knack on calculations and kept serving the custermer, working out total amount and changes after a brief moment of thinking. The shop owner saw him in action: he takes a quick look on the items, stares at the sky for half a second, then gives the total. The owner produces a calculator from his counter and verified a few times, the student got it right every time. The owner was amazed.
Finally, after the last customer has left with satisfaction, the owner approached the student, with uncertainty in his voice he asked: “What you did there, was that cloud computing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cnlow/a_chinese_student_is_quite_good_with_mental/
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I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"
"No, he minded his own damn business."
**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Glass](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Todd_Glass). Thanks samvet21, and be sure to check out Todd's concert video [*Act Happy*](https://youtu.be/q96aGwtnIOw) on Netflix! (Full disclosure: I might be a Netflix subscriber)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/
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Criminals are called criminals because...

if they can commit a crime without being caught most of the time, they would be called Politicians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjpl/criminals_are_called_criminals_because/
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Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The HR Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar: "I am ready."
Manager: "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Manager, I am ready."
Manager: "Go ahead."
Mujibar: "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cnhkc/mujibar_was_trying_to_get_a_job_in_india/
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Your honor, I have one last thing to say:

If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cnhk5/your_honor_i_have_one_last_thing_to_say/
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cndoz/a_woman_takes_a_lover_home_during_the_day_while/
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What's the similarity between chess and the world?

White has an advantage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cnb78/whats_the_similarity_between_chess_and_the_world/
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How do Russians commit suicide?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cna8p/how_do_russians_commit_suicide/
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Don't give up your dreams

Keep sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cn7zi/dont_give_up_your_dreams/
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cn5qr/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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What do you do to a Elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cn5el/what_do_you_do_to_a_elephant_with_three_balls/
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A blue collared worker is on his way home from work Friday night when he finds a genie's lamp...

... and upon rubbing it discovers the genie within.
"I'm not your typical genie", the mystical being booms.  "I only grant one wish, and the wish is specific to what what profession you would like to sample for your weekend off?"
The blue collared man is confused.
"Sample a profession?  You mean I only have two days to try it out before I go back to my blue collar job?"
"YES"
So the man thinks for awhile about his options.
"Actor maybe?....  Lawyer?.... President?..."
Finally he decides.
"I'd like to be a doctor!  I have very limited means as is, but I always like to help people when I can."
The genie nods his head and ..... POOF!
The man finds himself on a golf course in sunny Florida.
Confused he asks the Genie "What the hell? I asked to be a doctor??"
"Yeah, but it's your weekend off...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cn3s5/a_blue_collared_worker_is_on_his_way_home_from/
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I frequently lie awake at night...

...wondering what keeps insomniacs from sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmy20/i_frequently_lie_awake_at_night/
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I've spent more than four years looking for my mother in law's killer.

But I can't find anyone to do it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmy1i/ive_spent_more_than_four_years_looking_for_my/
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Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, the Pope and a little girl are on a crashing plane.

But there are only three parachutes. So Angela Merkel takes one, saying: "I'm really important so I should live." Donald Trump takes one, saying: "I'm the world's cleverest man, I should live!" But the Pope says to the little girl: "You're a young child, you're more important than me." But the girl says: "It's ok, the world's cleverest man just jumped off with my rucksack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmxos/donald_trump_angela_merkel_the_pope_and_a_little/
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What did the German kid say when he pushed his brother off a cliff?

"Look ma, no Hans"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmw6s/what_did_the_german_kid_say_when_he_pushed_his/
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A man was driving his car on the highway..

When a man in red stopped him. "Who are you?" asked the driver. The man replied "I'm the red pig and I want a ride". "I don't give rides to pigs" said the driver and he went on his way.
A few metres later a man in green stops him. "Who are you?" asked the driver. The man replied "I'm the green pig and I want a ride". "I don't give rides to pigs" said the driver and he went on his way.
A few metres later a man in white stops him. "Who are you?" asked the driver. The man replied "I'm the white pig and I want a ride". "I don't give rides to pigs" said the driver and he went on his way.
Later he spots a man in black who stops him. The driver says sarcastically "Guess this makes you the black pig huh?". The man in black says "Who are you calling a pig? Licence and registration, smartass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmugs/a_man_was_driving_his_car_on_the_highway/
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What's even worse than a reposted joke?

An unfinished

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmsja/whats_even_worse_than_a_reposted_joke/
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Vampire bats fly out of their cave and into the night looking for blood.

As the sun begins to rise the following morning, all of them return without consuming a single drop of blood, no one could find any food that night.
All except one, Gerald, who flies back in with blood pouring down his fangs.
"I searched all night for some blood, didn't even get a sniff of the stuff", one bat says to Gerald. "How on earth did you find some?"
"You see that rock in front of the cave entrance?", said Gerald.
"Yeah", said the other bat.
To which Gerald replies, "Well, I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmqx5/vampire_bats_fly_out_of_their_cave_and_into_the/
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A chicken walks into a library

The librarian asks what it wants. It says ‘book, book, book’ so the librarian gives it some books and the chicken walks out.
An hour later, the chicken returns and says ‘book, book, book’ and the librarian, though confused with why the chicken returned so soon, lent it more books.
Another hour passes, and the same chicken comes with the same request; ‘book, book, book’. This time, the librarian gives it more books, but decides to follow it to see what it’s doing with them.
After following behind the chicken for a while, they begin to walk through a swamp. The librarian, suddenly apprehensive, decides maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Just before she turns around, she sees that the chicken has stopped.
As she gets a bit closer, the librarian sees a lily pad, with a small frog sat on top. The chicken passes the books to the frog, and it replies ‘reddit, reddit, reddit’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmorr/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
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As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she suddenly stopped, looked up at me and shook her head in utter disappointment. With cold, dead eyes, she muttered, "This is wrong." Mouth dry, I whispered, "Question 2?"

She snarled, "No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmmmc/as_the_teacher_marked_my_quiz_answers_she/
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Have you heard about the reborn dyslexic guy?

He found dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmmb6/have_you_heard_about_the_reborn_dyslexic_guy/
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What is the difference between oooooh and aaaaah?

About three inches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmju3/what_is_the_difference_between_oooooh_and_aaaaah/
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Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will.

There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmi4h/ladies_if_a_man_says_he_will_fix_it_he_will/
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Did you hear about the guy who jumped in front of a steam train?

He was chuffed to bits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmhma/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_jumped_in_front_of/
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I like how the girl that called me a “loser” in high school is now blowing up my phone

She sends me things like “what are your plans for dinner” and “Your dad and I are going out for dinner there’s food in the fridge”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmgmx/i_like_how_the_girl_that_called_me_a_loser_in/
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I like my women how I like my natural resources...

Foreign and untapped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cmejl/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_natural_resources/
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An British man, Canadian man and a Indian man walk are in a private maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them there's been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The British man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks rely confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The British man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Canadian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cm8x0/an_british_man_canadian_man_and_a_indian_man_walk/
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Video Games need to start thinking outside the box when it comes to in-game character names...

I'm getting real sick and tired of always protecting some girl named Ally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cm6e1/video_games_need_to_start_thinking_outside_the/
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An airplane pilot, after the takeoff, says his usual announcement : « Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our company. We are currently cruising at 35000 feet at an air speed of 400 miles per hour

The weather looks good and we are expecting to land in London at 1:35 pm where the outside temperature is 23 degres. Soon our flight attendants we’ll offer you snacks and beverages. Until then, sit back, relax and enjoy your flight »
He then forgets to turn off the mic and says to his copilot : « You know what I’d love right now? A hot coffee and nice blowjob »
The whole plane heard it, as people are shocked or laughing, a flight attendant starts rushing to the cockpit to turn off the mic.  Seeing that, one of the passengers yells « HEY, you forgot the coffee »

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cm5rz/an_airplane_pilot_after_the_takeoff_says_his/
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Three hawks had a hunting contest

The first one went and came back with blood on its beak. They asked him what happened. He said "Do you see that tree over there?". They said "yeah". He said "I hunted a rabbit near it".
The second one went and came back with even more blood on its beak. They asked him what happened. He said "Do you see that rock over there?". They said "yeah". He said "I hunted a deer near it".
The third one went and came back with blood all over him. They asked him what happened. He said "Do you see that lamppost over there?". They said "yeah". He said "I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cm2h4/three_hawks_had_a_hunting_contest/
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A girl was visiting her blonde...

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cm2c0/a_girl_was_visiting_her_blonde/
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I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens...

That's 12 months of training gone to waste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cm1uw/i_just_found_out_cock_fighting_is_done_with/
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[NSFW] A ranch woman takes her 3 sons to the doctor

A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives.
The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings (BB's) and mixes them into their food.
Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing BB's. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping BB's. Again, she says that it is ok.
That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says "Ma, you won't believe what happened". She says "I know, you're passing BB's". "No", he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cm173/nsfw_a_ranch_woman_takes_her_3_sons_to_the_doctor/
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Today an old lady with strange powers asked if I wanted great memory or a massive penis

I just wish I remembered which one I chose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cm0tv/today_an_old_lady_with_strange_powers_asked_if_i/
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How would you figure out whether someone is an AI robot or a human in Reddit?

Nice try bot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8clzl3/how_would_you_figure_out_whether_someone_is_an_ai/
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A travelling salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door.

A 10 year old boy answers the door in a dress and bra with a cigar in one hand and whiskey in the other. The traveling salesman asks, "Excuse me, are your parents home?" The boy responds "What the fuck do you think??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8clzen/a_travelling_salesman_walks_up_to_a_house_and/
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A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cly8s/a_jewish_businessman_in_brooklyn/
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What's the kid friendly term for Bukkake?

Baby-shower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cls0z/whats_the_kid_friendly_term_for_bukkake/
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How do you make holy water?

You take regular water and boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8clqif/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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Colorblind

I went to visit the doctor and he told me I was colorblind. The news came out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8clq72/colorblind/
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A man returns from work on a Friday evening and suddenly comes across the bottle

He opens the bottle and, all of a sudden, genie comes out of there.
The Genie says: "Thank you, mortal, you have released me from my miserable sentence. And, in order to show you my eternal gratitude, I will grant you one of your fondest wishes."
The man says: "Oh, I want nothing more, but to have a pleasure to ejaculate simultaneously with my wife"
"So be it", says The Genie.
A week after the man comes to work with a dark, grim expression on his face.
"John, what's the matter?", his colleagues ask him.
"Folks, I want a divorce.
Remember the story when I came across that genie and ask him to make me and my wife cum at the same time?
So here's a story: I'm at the bar with my chaps, right?
I ordered the first pint of beer, drank it... and suddenly came in my fucking pants three times in a row."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cloiy/a_man_returns_from_work_on_a_friday_evening_and/
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My house is haunted by Nintendo characters.

I knew I shouldn't have fooled around with that Luigi board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8clnzx/my_house_is_haunted_by_nintendo_characters/
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RIP boiling water

You shall be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8clkth/rip_boiling_water/
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Three men were walking along in the forest when

they were captured by a group of cannibals.
The king of the cannibals gives the three men a challenge "If you complete this challenge, you will go free, if not we will eat you."
The three men, not wanting to die, agree to hear the challenge.
"You most go in to the forest and pick out 10 of any fruit you find, bring those fruits back here" the king says.
The three men head out in search of their fruit.
The first man comes back with 10 apples in his hands, happy as can be.
The king then says "You must shove those 10 apples up your butt without making a sound."
The man reluctantly agrees to try.
He gets the first one up without a sound, but screams in agony on the second and is killed and eaten.
The second man comes back with 10 grapes in his hand.
Again the king states the challenge.
The 10 fruit up the ass, without any sound.
This is going to be easy he thinks.
He gets through the first 9 without a single sound.
Just as he is about to shove the 10th grape up he bursts out in laughter.
He is killed immediately.
The second guy still laughing meets the first guy up in heaven.
The first guy says, "What's so funny? You could have still been alive!"
He replies "I saw our buddy coming back with 10 pineapples and a huge smile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8clexh/three_men_were_walking_along_in_the_forest_when/
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So an Army Ranger wants himself a pair of Gator Boots...

But this being an Army Ranger, he's not just going to buy himself a pair of boots, no, he's gonna make his own. So he heads down to Louisiana and makes his way to the bayou. He finds a nice little bait shop, buys himself a nice knife, and asks the shop owner where he can find himself a decent size gator. The shop owner gives him directions and a map and says "Oh and when you're out there, keep an eye out for two Marines I sent out about a week ago. They wanted some Gator boots too but haven't come back yet.
So the Army Ranger heads out following the shop owner's directions and gets way out into the Bayou. Sure enough, there's two Marines standing waist deep in water with like twenty dead gators stacked up behind them on the muddy shoreline.
The Ranger waits to see their strategy and when another gator approaches one of the Marines jumps on it's back and brutally kills it with his combat knife. He drags it up onto the shoreline, turns it over, looks at it's feet and turns to his Marine buddy and says "Dammit! This one doesn't have any boots either!"
Credits to Ghost Recon Wildlands, just heard this. Gave me a nice chuckle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8clerz/so_an_army_ranger_wants_himself_a_pair_of_gator/
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You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say?

Poetry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8clba4/you_only_have_enough_time_to_say_one_word_to/
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A guy and his girlfriend are talking

Her: Come over.
Him: I'm coming over.
Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8clan5/a_guy_and_his_girlfriend_are_talking/
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$50

Ethel and Ernie had been married over 40 years and a fair had come to town which offered a helicopter ride. Ernie really wanted to ride the helicopter and so they went and upon getting there Ethel told Ernie he couldn’t go because the ride cost $50. Ernie pleaded with his wife and she kept refusing because, as Ethel would say, “$50 is $50!”
The helicopter pilot having heard the whole thing and feeling sorry for Ernie approached the couple. He said “How about I make a deal with you folks? You can come up on the helicopter and if you can make it the whole ride without letting out a scream the ride is free. If either one of you let’s out a beep though, then you owe me the $50.”
Ernie was happy to accept and Ethel reluctantly agreed. So up they went and once they were up in the air the helicopter pilot started doing all kinds of tricks. Each one more dangerous than the last. To his amazement though, he didn’t hear a beep out of either Ernie or Ethel. Amazed he decided to land the helicopter. He landed and he got out and as he opened the door to let the couple out he started saying how he was amazed at how they kept their composure when he realized Ethel was no where to be seen!
He asked Ernie where Ethel was and Ernie told him she fell out the helicopter during one of his fancy tricks. The pilot asked “Oh my god why didn’t you tell me?” To which Ernie replied “well you told us neither one of us could make a beep and after all, $50 IS $50!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cl8qi/50/
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What's the difference between an art student and a park bench?

A bench can support a family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cl7vk/whats_the_difference_between_an_art_student_and_a/
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[NSFW] A married couple was walking down the street..

A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them.
A married alien couple walked out and said, "Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet."
So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex. The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It was very similar to the way the aliens did it. The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night. When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his "thing."
The alien looked down and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot." And he hit his head twice and "it" grew at least two feet.
The woman said "Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to."
So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sex of their lives.
The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, "How was it?"
The wife replied, "Great!"
The man said, "Well, for some strange reason the alien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, "It's broken! It's broken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cl7py/nsfw_a_married_couple_was_walking_down_the_street/
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My Asian friend had a blood test

His parents nearly disowned him when he got B+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cl7fl/my_asian_friend_had_a_blood_test/
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Did you hear the one about the two gay Irish men?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cl5m4/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_two_gay_irish_men/
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Indian parents don't usually throw surprise parties for their kids...

But when they do, it's called an ARRANGED MARRIAGE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cl39d/indian_parents_dont_usually_throw_surprise/
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What's the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go to a store without robin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cl0ng/whats_the_difference_between_batman_and_a_black/
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Writing "no hookups" on Tinder is like

going to PornHub for the ads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ckyiz/writing_no_hookups_on_tinder_is_like/
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George and Barbara Bush were driving through Texas...

...when the First Couple stopped at a restaurant.
Barbara Bush recognized the waiter was an ex-boyfriend from high school. George and Barbara had a friendly conversation with the waiter, and then continued their drive.
In the car, George Bush said to Barbara, "Can you imagine what life would be like if you'd married him instead of me?"
Barbara Bush replied, "Yes. He'd be President and you'd be serving coffee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ckyf2/george_and_barbara_bush_were_driving_through_texas/
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A man and his wife are having sex

Out in the woods when a bee enters the woman's vagina. The couple stop and immediately go to the hospital. The doctor tells them there is a simple solution. Cover the mans penis in honey and have him lure the bee out. The husband says "what if the bee stings me?". The doctor replied there is a chance. The man is too scared so the doctor must do it. He takes off his clothes, slathers his Dick with honey, and inserts it. The bee flies out. "Is it over?" The husband says?"
"Nah I think there's a nest in here let me try again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cky9z/a_man_and_his_wife_are_having_sex/
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You know, if the proletariat wants to fight the bourgeoisie, fine

Soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cky46/you_know_if_the_proletariat_wants_to_fight_the/
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I asked a friend whether he knew how to say "farewell" in French.

He replied, "Adieu"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ckxcn/i_asked_a_friend_whether_he_knew_how_to_say/
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A plateau

is the highest form of flattery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ckvh9/a_plateau/
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How does a milkman become a priest?

He gets pastorized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ckumt/how_does_a_milkman_become_a_priest/
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A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged chicken.

He accelerated and passed the chicken. Three minutes later the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph. The man tried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road. The man followed it into a farmyard but couldn't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer and told him the story and the man asked for an explanation. The farmer said that he, his wife and his son all liked chicken legs so he bred 3-legged chickens.
"What do they taste like?" asked the man.
"I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ckrix/a_man_was_driving_at_80_kph_one_day_when_he_was/
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Never haggle with a baby chic

All their offers are cheep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ckl41/never_haggle_with_a_baby_chic/
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Which food collects your personal data?

A Zuckerburger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ckij7/which_food_collects_your_personal_data/
%
A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car.

The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money."
The lawyer says, "How DARE you call me materialistic."
The cop replies, "Well, you've been so concerned about your car that you didn't notice that your arm is missing."
The lawyer screams, "FUCK! My Rolex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ckhzu/a_lawyer_is_sitting_in_his_parked_bmw_when_a_tow/
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Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder?

I don’t see the difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ckhy4/ray_charles_or_stevie_wonder/
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Only Oral can Save Her

Courtesy of the great Norm Macdonald......
A man's wife goes into a coma.
The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have oral sex with her"
The man says"my god...."
Doctor says "I know I know, but I've seen it work"
The man says "ok doc, I'll try anything, I'm desperate"
He goes into his wifes room, closes the door behind him. He comes out five minutes later and says"Doc, I dont think it's working....she's choking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ckgmg/only_oral_can_save_her/
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Gay Couple on a Plane

A gay couple (Jeremiah and Timothy) is traveling on a plane.
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a napkin, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.  Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy.
So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ckepz/gay_couple_on_a_plane/
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I haven’t slept for ten days...

Because that would be way too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ckdmc/i_havent_slept_for_ten_days/
%
I don't have a coke problem...

...I just love the way it smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ck8mn/i_dont_have_a_coke_problem/
%
[NSFW] I remember my Dad catching me masturbating when I was a teenager

He sternly told me "and you can save that until you're married!"
Imagine his shock when I turned up 12 years later at the evening reception with three buckets full and asked him what I was supposed to do with it now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ck79h/nsfw_i_remember_my_dad_catching_me_masturbating/
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Four Irishmen were standing on a corner.

There was probably a fifth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ck65g/four_irishmen_were_standing_on_a_corner/
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RIP boiled water

you will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ck604/rip_boiled_water/
%
A boob, vagina and asshole are having a debate on who is the greatest among all of them. Boob: I produce milk; Vagina: I produce babies;

why are you still reading? It is your turn to speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ck55q/a_boob_vagina_and_asshole_are_having_a_debate_on/
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A duck walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender, "Hey, bartender. Got any duck food?"
The bartender responded, " No, I don't have duck food. I don't serve ducks. Get out of here."
So, the duck leaves.
The duck comes in the next night, "Hey, bartender. Got any duck food?"
The agitated bartender yells, " No! We don't serve ducks so we don't have duck food. If you ask me for duck food again I'll nail your bill to the bar!"
So, the duck leaves.
The duck comes in the next night.
"Hey, bartender. Ya got any nails?"
"NO!"
"Got any duck food?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ck4yl/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus...

That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ck4dl/i_gave_up_my_seat_to_a_blind_person_in_the_bus/
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A man and his wife were having a drink when a drunk from the next table yells, “Attention please!”

And lets out a gigantic fart.
The man angrily says, “What the hell do you think you are doing? Did you know you just farted before my wife?”
The drunk says, “My apologies sir. I had no idea it was her turn.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ck09b/a_man_and_his_wife_were_having_a_drink_when_a/
%
What part of Russia do Russian hackers come from?

Cyberia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cjzsa/what_part_of_russia_do_russian_hackers_come_from/
%
Why are there no Walmarts in Syria?

Because there's a Target at every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cjt4h/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_syria/
%
You ever heard of the brown cow that gives chocolate milk?

It's udder bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cjt3t/you_ever_heard_of_the_brown_cow_that_gives/
%
I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it.

So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.
She asks "Hardback?"
"Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cjrt9/i_guy_finds_a_little_turtle_but_he_isnt_sure_how/
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What do you call two gay guys riding the rails in an empty boxcar?

Hobosexuals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cjnpw/what_do_you_call_two_gay_guys_riding_the_rails_in/
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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a hooker with diarrhea?

One gets shucked between fits...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cjk54/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
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How do you stop a Rhino from charging?

Nothing.
They're extinct now so you dont have to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cjize/how_do_you_stop_a_rhino_from_charging/
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A van full of nuns is driving through Romania

The nuns get to Transylvania and a vampire jumps onto their windshield.  The nuns panic and one in the back yells to the driver “Speed up!  Speed up!” So the driver hits the gas and no matter how fast they go the vampire holds on tight.
“Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes!” Another nun yells from the back seat, and the driver hit the breaks as hard as she can and the van skids to a stop, but the vampire is still there.
“Show him your cross! Show him your cross!” Comes a scream from the back.  The driver rolls down her window and yells at the vampire “get off my damn windshield!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cjij1/a_van_full_of_nuns_is_driving_through_romania/
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Why is r/jokes the most environment-friendly sub?

Because we recycle 100%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cjdx7/why_is_rjokes_the_most_environmentfriendly_sub/
%
You know why giraffes have long necks?

Because their heads are far from their body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cjbz8/you_know_why_giraffes_have_long_necks/
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Did you know pigeons die after they have sex!

Well the one I fucked did anyway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cj4tn/did_you_know_pigeons_die_after_they_have_sex/
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What do you call a scary dinosaur with a condom pulled over its head?

A Du-Rex!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cj2qj/what_do_you_call_a_scary_dinosaur_with_a_condom/
%
Three friends, a cop, a fireman and a sanitation worker were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a cop," said the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" The third man hesitated a moment then answered with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ciz5s/three_friends_a_cop_a_fireman_and_a_sanitation/
%
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8civ7d/i_went_to_the_zoo_yesterday_and_saw_a_baguette_in/
%
A confused chinese student asks his master: "Master Shi, why do all chinese look the same?"

Then the Master replyed: "I am not master Shi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cirlc/a_confused_chinese_student_asks_his_master_master/
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Today i got in touch with my inner self

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cipje/today_i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self/
%
Two men!

Two men bump each other unconsciously at the supermarket and one of them says:
“I’m sorry, I didn’t notice you there because I can’t find my wife”
“Oh, really? I’m searching for my wife as well!”
“Oh, tell me how does your wife looks like to see if I can help you out”
“Well, she is 1.80m, blonde, slim, angelic face, D cup breasts. What about your wife?”
“Forget about mine, let’s search for your wife”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cio1z/two_men/
%
A blind man and his seeing eye dog walks into a shop

He stops in the middle of the shop and proceeds to bend down to pick up his dog.  He then grabs the leash and starts swinging the dog over his head.  An employee rushes over and asks the blind man, "What the hell are you doing?!?".  The blind man replies, "Just looking around"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cijwo/a_blind_man_and_his_seeing_eye_dog_walks_into_a/
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What’d they call the movie about auto erotic asphyxiation?

Die Hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cii8b/whatd_they_call_the_movie_about_auto_erotic/
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Have you heard about the situation in the Middle East

It’s pretty Syrias

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cig04/have_you_heard_about_the_situation_in_the_middle/
%
TIL that in the middle ages it was illegal for a blind man to become king...

I mean, I don't see why not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cietw/til_that_in_the_middle_ages_it_was_illegal_for_a/
%
Confucius say, "Good to meet girl in park...

but better to park meat in girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ciczz/confucius_say_good_to_meet_girl_in_park/
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What’s the difference between a deadly chemical plant and a Syrian school yard?

I don’t know, they just have me fly the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ci9o2/whats_the_difference_between_a_deadly_chemical/
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When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started to cry...

because I know what it's like to grow up without a dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ci6bd/when_my_girlfriend_told_me_she_was_pregnant_i/
%
I said to my wife, "why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She said "I don't like calling you at work"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ci3m5/i_said_to_my_wife_why_dont_you_tell_me_when_you/
%
I used to tell this joke about Jonestown.

But the punch line was too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ci2ts/i_used_to_tell_this_joke_about_jonestown/
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What do you call it when Caityln Jenner spends a lot of money?

Transaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8chzw2/what_do_you_call_it_when_caityln_jenner_spends_a/
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A man decides to go a whore house..

But to his surprise a nun open a door. He tries to apologise, trying to come up with an excuse. The nun, seeing right through him  says : 'This is the right place. If you want to get fucked by the Sisters of Eternal Bliss, you have come to the right place'. The man walk in, a bit surprised and also a bit skeptical . As the nun leads him through an  extravagant corridor, she goes on to explain the working of the establishment. She shows him a door and explains  that each door leads to a room and another. 'Every room has a nun who will pleasure you in one way in increasing order of pleasure'. She warns him, however, that these services don't come cheap but he is free to stop after any room and leave if it was expensive or if he can't handle it. This was an unusual way to do things, the man thought, but out of sheer curiosity he decided to pay 5$ and entered the first room.
As soon as he entered the first room, a nun waiting for him started to disrobe. She was the prettiest woman he had ever seen. But as he approached her, she stopped him. 'Only looking, if you want to more, you will have to the next room...that will be 50$'. That was asking a lot, the man thought, but if the next is even half as pretty as this nun, it would be worth it. He pays and enters the next room.
As soon as he entered the room, a nun waiting for him started to disrobe. To his amazement, she is even more stunning with a perfect body. He touches her and fondles her breast to his hearts content, but when he starts to undress, she stops him saying : 'Only touching, if you want to more, you will have to the next room...that will be 500$'. At this point, the man is all fired up and pays without hesitation.
As soon as he entered the room, a nun waiting for him started to disrobe. He couldn't believe that was possible, but the woman was even more beautiful than the previous. She  walks up to him, put her arms around his shoulder and give him the most sensual kiss he has ever had. She then tells him 'Only kissing, if you want to more, you will have to the next room...that will be 5000$'
The man remembered the advice he got not too long ago. 5000$ was a lot, but his xperience so far was unlike anything he ever experienced. He pays and enters the third room.
He expected to see a nun, except to his utter dismay he was outside back on the street. Confused and bewildered he turns around to try and  renter, only to find a note stuck on the door :
"CONGRATULATIONS! YOU JUST GOT FUCKED BY THE SISTERS OF ETERNAL BILSS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8chuz2/a_man_decides_to_go_a_whore_house/
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[Nsfw] My uncle liked to play hide and seek with me

I called it naked and afraid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8chu8z/nsfw_my_uncle_liked_to_play_hide_and_seek_with_me/
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My dad once told me that I would spend my life flipping burgers

Jokes on him. I'm on register now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8chrc7/my_dad_once_told_me_that_i_would_spend_my_life/
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An American spy is sent into the Soviet Union

His name is John Smith and he has been training for this moment the last five years. He has perfectly mastered the Russian language and accent, can sing the Soviet anthem from memory and knows everything about Russian history.
In 1971, sixth of October, 3 AM local time he parachutes to the outskirts of Moscow. Now he needs to find a bus to take him to the city. Lucky for him a bus stop was nearby. He steps on the bus and goes to buy a ticket:
"Comrade i want to buy ticket to Moscow".
The bus driver responds: "Sure comrade American".
The spy is alarmed that he was discovered but takes the bus anyway. He arrives in Moscow and now needs to get to the Red Square. He asks a passerby for instructions:
"Comrade can you show me the way to Red Square"
The man responds: "Sure comrade American, walk 200 meters that way and then turn left"
The spy is again confused how the man found out he was American but heads to the Red Square.
There he finds a bar he goes inside and asks the bartender for a shot of Smirnoff
The bartender responds: "Sure comrade American."
Now fed up with having his cover blown all the time he asks the bartender:
"How have you all known that I am American?"
The bartender responds: "Well you see comrade. There are not a lot of black people in Russia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8chjfk/an_american_spy_is_sent_into_the_soviet_union/
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My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8chftu/my_dad_is_a_rugged_exmarine_with_a_saltandpepper/
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A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."

The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv."
But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.
The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8chdxs/a_blonde_walked_into_an_electronics_store_and/
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An ESL worker is having a tough time at his job. [Racist]

His boss, knowing that Ming is usually his most productive employee, decides to find out why he's stopped being so efficient. So, he walks over to Ming on Monday, and asks him why.
"Oh, you know boss, I just so tired and stressed and can no think logically." Ming replies to his boss's question, and the boss immediately realizes how to solve the issue.
"You know what Ming even though I need you here all day, I'll give you the next 4 hours to relax, and how about I give you some advice on how to spend it?"
Ming, coming from an upbringing that never taught him how to chill out, agrees to listen to the boss's advice.
"Well, on days when I'm super stressed," the boss begins, "I go to my wife and ask her to give me a nice massage. It calms me right down, and takes my mind off work. Then we have sex, and I come back to the office rejuvenated. Does that make sense?"
Ming understands, and nods his head before grabbing his stuff and legging it out of the office. The boss smiles at having done a good deed and gets back to work. 5 hours later, Ming shows up at the office, and the boss is furious.
"Ming why are you here so late?!" He screams at him.
"Sorry boss, it take me one hour to learn how to get to your house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8chbi9/an_esl_worker_is_having_a_tough_time_at_his_job/
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A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity:

looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long?
Hit the damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner.
"You'll never hit her from here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ch97r/a_guy_stands_over_his_tee_shot_for_what_seems_an/
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My wife just flipped out at me for not being sympathetic about her time of the month

It was a complete ovary action.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ch901/my_wife_just_flipped_out_at_me_for_not_being/
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I heard Darth Vader's suit was really expensive.

It must have cost him an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ch8hq/i_heard_darth_vaders_suit_was_really_expensive/
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[NSFW] A Modern Day Cinderella Story

Cinderella is getting ready to go out to the club and tells her fairy god-mother that she wont be home until around 2 am. The fairy god-mother warns her, "If you're out past midnight, your pussy will turn into a pumpkin."  Scared about what will happen, Cinderella reluctantly decides that she will be home before midnight.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
She gets to the club and starts chatting up a very good looking man. They're both really into each other so the man invites her back to his place. Cinderella checks her phone and sees that it's getting close to midnight. She tells him she has to get home but will take down his number. She starts walking away but realizes she doesn't even know his name.  Cinderella runs back to him and says, "Hey I never got your name!"  He says to her, "The name's Peter. Peter the Pumpkin Eater." She then replies, "Oh really? Well i guess i can stay out a little later tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ch8fb/nsfw_a_modern_day_cinderella_story/
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There was a captain that took his ship on a long voyage...

...but the sailors got a bit randy during this voyage.
So the captain provided a barrel with a hole and instructed the sailors to relieve themselves into the barrel.  If they filled it up, there would be a bonus, he promised.
The sailors filled up the barrel, and ther was peace on the voyage.
Upon returning home, he realized that he had a huge barrel filled with "excess", so he sold it to a candle maker.
After the next voyage, he returned to the candle maker offering another barrel for sale.
"NO WAY" said the candle maker
"Why not" asked the captain "didn't it make good wax?"
"Sure it did, the candles were excellent"
"So then, whats the problem?"
"Well,"  replied the candlemaker.... "you see that convent up on the hill?  It's full of pregnant nuns!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ch62i/there_was_a_captain_that_took_his_ship_on_a_long/
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You didn’t hear the joke about cell phones?

Probably because it had a bad reception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ch0b7/you_didnt_hear_the_joke_about_cell_phones/
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I named it as Internet Explorer.

Now, my porn archive is safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cgz0z/i_named_it_as_internet_explorer/
%
A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but...

a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cgys7/a_man_is_lying_on_the_beach_wearing_nothing_but/
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Once upon a time there was a hatseller

He traveled from village to village selling hats.
One day, he was walking through the jungle, and noticed a comfortable spot at the base of a particular tree.  He decided to rest there, as it was a hot day.   So, he put his basket of hats next to him, pulled his hat over his eyes, and slept.
When he woke up, he felt very refreshed.  So he reached for his basket of hats to continue on his way - only to find the basket was empty.  As you may imagine, the hatseller was distressed, for those hats were his livelihood.
Suddenly, he heard monkeys chattering up in the trees.  He looked up, and lo and behold!  There was a family of monkeys, and every so for one of them was wearing a hat!
The hatseller scratched his chin, trying to think of a way to get his hats back.  Amazingly, all of the monkeys scratched their chins!
The hatseller paused.  Then he scratched his head.  All of the monkeys scratched their heads.
The hatseller remembered the phrase, "Monkey see, monkey do."  Then he had an idea.  He took his hat and threw it in  the ground.  All of the monkeys threw down their hats, and the hatseller quickly picked up the hats and ran away.
The hatseller remembered this occasion as long as he lived, and told the story to all of his children and grandchildren.
Many years later, the hatseller's grandson was continuing the family tradition of selling hats, and just happened to take the same path his grandfather had taken all these years ago.  He spotted the very same tree, and, because it was another hot day, he decided to rest.  So the grandson put down his basket, pulled his hat over his eyes, and slept.
When he woke up, he felt nice and relaxed.  So he reached for his basket to continue his travels - only to find it was empty!
And as you may imagine, he was distressed at the loss of his livelihood.  As he searched for the hats, he heard chattering in the trees.
He looked up, and lo and behold!  There was a family of monkeys, all of them sporting one of his hats!
The grandson scratched his chin,  unsure what to do.  All of the monkeys scratched their chins.  The grandson paused.  Then he scratched his head.  All of the monkeys scratched their heads.  The grandson remembered his grandfather's story.
With one sweep of his hand, he took his hat off of his head and threw it on the ground.  None of the monkeys moved.
Then, one monkey climbed down the tree, slapped the grandson, and said, "You're not the only one with a grandfather!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cgttu/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_hatseller/
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When Muslims go to mars, where will they pray?

Elon’s Mosque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cgtio/when_muslims_go_to_mars_where_will_they_pray/
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I went to the pet store today and stole a rabbit.

Then I made a run for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cgt0g/i_went_to_the_pet_store_today_and_stole_a_rabbit/
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A pregnant woman is hit by a private car....!

She is sent into a coma for 2 years. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"
The doctor replies, "Calm down, Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."
She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"
"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."
"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"
"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.
"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"
To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cgsav/a_pregnant_woman_is_hit_by_a_private_car/
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What do you call a potato and an ear of corn in a police car?

Starchy and Husk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cgpfx/what_do_you_call_a_potato_and_an_ear_of_corn_in_a/
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What do you have when you’ve got two little green balls in the palm of your hand?

Kermit’s undivided attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cgovi/what_do_you_have_when_youve_got_two_little_green/
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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cgo0g/all_the_organs_of_the_body_were_having_a_meeting/
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I guess Willie Nelson died

He was hit by a truck. He was playing on the road again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cgjtf/i_guess_willie_nelson_died/
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I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday.

We have 245 tiles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cghos/i_forgot_my_cell_phone_when_i_went_to_the_toilet/
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Fish goes to doctor

. Doctor says, "Hello, sir. What brings you in today?"
The fish replies, "Everything. I hurt my back at work, I have a cold, my eyesight is going, and I have high blood pressure."
The doctor raises his eyebrows, jots down some notes on his clipboard, and says, "Okay, Mr. Salmon, what's your lifestyle like? Do you eat healthy, get enough sleep, all that?"
"Oh, yes," replies the fish. "I eat organic, sleep at least 7 hours a night, and I never drink or smoke."
At that, the doctor smiles and slaps his knee. "Well that's your problem!" he exclaims. "Let me write you a prescription for some Marlboros."
The fish is dumbfounded. "Doctor, why?"
The doctor finishes writing the prescription, rips it off his pad, and hands it to the fish. "You need to start smoking," he says, "because smoking cures salmon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cggkg/fish_goes_to_doctor/
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I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.

She kindly told me that newspapers are old school. Then she said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cgg0d/i_asked_my_daughter_if_shed_seen_my_newspaper/
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Why did seven eat nine?

Because he needed three squared meals a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cgfc9/why_did_seven_eat_nine/
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The Titanic disaster happened 106 years ago today...

Just let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cgf0r/the_titanic_disaster_happened_106_years_ago_today/
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Why was 9/11 one of the worst episodes in American History?

It was the pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cgcus/why_was_911_one_of_the_worst_episodes_in_american/
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A hunter gets a new gun one day and decides to go hunting with it.

He goes out into the woods and stumbles upon a nice-sized black bear, so he takes his gun and shoots the bear dead. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder...
The man turns around and sees this huge brown bear and the bear says
"That bear you shot was my friend, so the way I see you got two options, either you let me have sex with you or I maul you to death."
Now, the hunter doesn't want to die so he lets the bear have his way, and afterwards he waddles home and doesn't tell anyone.
Then next year comes around and he's gaining his confidence back so the hunter goes back into the woods and stumbles upon a brown bear. He gets his gun and shoots the bear dead when he feels a tapping on his shoulder.
The man turns around and sees a giant kodiak bear who says,
"That brown bear was my friend so the way I see it either you let me have rough sex with you or I maul you to death."
Again, the man doesn't want to die so he lets the bear have his way and waddles home not telling anyone.
Next year comes around and the man is gaining his confidence again so he goes out and eventually finds a kodiak bear. So the man takes his gun and shoots the bear dead when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
The man turns around and finds an enormous grizzly bear, and the bear says,
"Let's be honest, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cg2xe/a_hunter_gets_a_new_gun_one_day_and_decides_to_go/
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I once knew this annoying couple that would show everyone they met a picture of their kid. One day I snapped and told them...

"It's been 2 years. You're never going to find him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cg2d1/i_once_knew_this_annoying_couple_that_would_show/
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Ducks [long]

Three men died at the same time and went up to heaven together.  They met Saint Peter who gave them one warning before he let them through the pearly gates.  “We only have one rule in heaven, don’t step on a duck.”
The three men were slightly confused but thought “how hard could that be?”
When they go through the gates there were ducks EVERYWHERE.  They tried to be careful and step lightly, but within seconds the first man stepped on a duck.  The duck quacked and quacked and made quite the scene.  Saint Peter rushed over and found the most hideous woman the men had ever seen, she may have been a troglodyte or Neanderthal.  Saint Peter chained the first man and the woman together and she dragged the man off.
They realizes the duck warning was serious, so then men became extra cautious.  Despite that caution the second stepped on a duck within minutes.  The duck quacked, and Saint Peter came running over with another ugly woman and chained her to the second man.
The third man was scared at this point, but he was determined not to step on a duck.  He managed to go years and years and years successfully.  Suddenly, Saint Peter came running over and grabbed him, and took him to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  The man was stunned at how beautiful she was.  Saint Peter chained them together and then went back to guard the gates.
“What happened?” The third man asked, excited.  The woman replied in sorrow “I stepped on a duck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cfv7i/ducks_long/
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Where did the vegetarian cannibal get caught eating his last victim?

The long term care ward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cftv0/where_did_the_vegetarian_cannibal_get_caught/
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Mom: "How was school today, Noah?"

Noah: "It was awesome! Today we made explosives!"
Mom: "Very interesting. What will you do in school tomorrow?"
Noah: "What school?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cfsez/mom_how_was_school_today_noah/
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White House Lawn Vandalized

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the lawn, he sees "Donald Trump Sucks" written in urine across the snow.  Well, he's is pretty ticked off.
He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight! The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news.
Which do you want first?"
Trump says "Give me the bad news first."
The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence's urine."
Trump says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. … Well, what's the really bad news?"
The officer replies "Well, it's Melania's handwriting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cfscm/white_house_lawn_vandalized/
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A quantum particle walks into two bars.

In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.
In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.
The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his friend asks
" hey, so what did you do last night?"
the particle, bruised and beaten shouts "DAMN IT MAN did you have to ask!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cfppo/a_quantum_particle_walks_into_two_bars/
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I can always tell when my wife is about to orgasm

She looks at the clock with a vague sense of disappointment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cfp1r/i_can_always_tell_when_my_wife_is_about_to_orgasm/
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I used to hate math, until one day I realized...

Decimals have a point!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cfd9i/i_used_to_hate_math_until_one_day_i_realized/
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What do you call birds that stick together?

Vel-Crows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cfd77/what_do_you_call_birds_that_stick_together/
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God and man

A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me, it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cfbv5/god_and_man/
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A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to town..."
"Sir, please answer the question. Did you or did you not say you were fine?"
"Well now, you have to understand, I was driving my mule..."
"Sir! Stop avoiding the question. Remember, you are under oath! Did you not tell the officer **you were fine?**"
The farmer turn to the judge and says, "Your honor, I am trying to answer the nice man's question, but he wont let me."
The judge says "I'll allow it, but it better be relevant."
The farmer thanks him and begin, "Well, you see, I was driving my truck to town, with my trailer hitched to the back and my mule in the trailer. As we cross an intersection, this big truck blows past the stop sign and smashes into us. The truck splits in two, I'm thrown into one ditch on the side of the road, the mule is thrown into the other, and the truck just keeps going."
"Now I'm in bad shape. My arm is broke, my leg is broke, half my ribs are broke. But my mule is in worse shape, from what I can hear. She's screaming and thrashing and making a pitiful racket."
"I hear tires come to a stop on the gravel, a door close and footsteps crunching across the road to the other ditch. I hear the mule screaming for a minute more and then a shot rang out, and it went quiet. The footsteps then start to come my way. I look up to see a state trooper putting his gun back in his holster."
"He says to me, sir, I am terribly sorry. Your mule was gravely injured, she was in terrible pain, and I had no choice but to put her down. ... How are *you?*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cf83o/a_farmer_is_in_court_suing_the_trucking_company/
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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of his first day on the slopes, he decided to knock back a few drinks at the resort tavern.
After consuming six whiskeys he turned around and spotted a big, stuffed animal head with large antlers.
"Hey barkeep," he said. "What the hell is that over there?"
The bartender replied, "Oh that's a moose!"
"F**k me! How big are the cats?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cf761/a_scotsman_went_skiing_in_canada_for_the_first/
%
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of
the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree
to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from
the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon
duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area
ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an
area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the
carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between
the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not
be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being
tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the
second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the
first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in
a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal
statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid
installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the
procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful
to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also
being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the
option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him,
the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the
Partnership.
All credit goes to cowsay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cf6t5/how_many_lawyers_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...

Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the virgin megastore, what a disappointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cf64o/i_wish_the_name_of_a_business_would_describe_what/
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What did the green grape say to the red grape?

BREATHE YOU IDIOT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cf5xr/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_red_grape/
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People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cf55l/people_say_smoking_will_give_you_diseases/
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What game should you play on the first date?

Jenga, so you can show her how strong your pullout game is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cf3gm/what_game_should_you_play_on_the_first_date/
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A friend just asked me for some advice...

He said “I just had an ex call me and tell me she was HIV positive, what should I do?
I said “The trick is, to always act surprised...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cexor/a_friend_just_asked_me_for_some_advice/
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Why is Conan's guest's face blurred-out?

Oh. Never mind. It isn't. It's just Amy Schumer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cewbw/why_is_conans_guests_face_blurredout/
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A man in Wisconsin got trampled by stampeding cows

At least, that’s what I herd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cew5h/a_man_in_wisconsin_got_trampled_by_stampeding_cows/
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I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ceuje/ive_been_reading_lord_of_the_rings_and_apparently/
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The judge said I should be hung, drawn and quartered.

So they gave me a penis enlarger, a caricature and a nice room on a ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cer9v/the_judge_said_i_should_be_hung_drawn_and/
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Racist joke my friend told me

There once was a black family standing at a river.
Across the river a man shouted to them "come on over this water turns you white."
The wife decided to take the risk and walked to the otherside, all of a sudden she turned white.
She shouted to her husband saying " come on over baby it does turn you white."
Following in his wifes footsteps he cross the river, all of a sudden he turned white.
They then signalled over to their three children to cross the river.
As the children where crossing the river a wave came and took them underwater, they all started drowning.
The worried wife then shouted to her husband to go save them.
The husband replied " nah, fuck them niggas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cekyy/racist_joke_my_friend_told_me/
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I was a bit worried so I took a pregnancy test

My mom will be proud, this is my first time passing a test!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ceiv3/i_was_a_bit_worried_so_i_took_a_pregnancy_test/
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What do you call a really fat bank teller?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ced9r/what_do_you_call_a_really_fat_bank_teller/
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IF I SCAM SOMEONE WITH CAPS LOCK ON..

IS IT A CAPITAL CRIME?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cechr/if_i_scam_someone_with_caps_lock_on/
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What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?

Cuatro cinco.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cebcm/what_do_you_call_four_mexicans_in_quicksand/
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I woke up to a warm, luscious blowjob today...

That's the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cea6v/i_woke_up_to_a_warm_luscious_blowjob_today/
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A woman was sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leant in to her and asked, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“No, go right ahead,” the woman replied.
The man stood up, cleared his throat and said, “Plethora”, and sat back down.
“Thanks,” said the woman, “that means a lot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ce6rc/a_woman_was_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
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For sale: Vacuum Cleaner £30

Reluctant sale, but it is just collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ce591/for_sale_vacuum_cleaner_30/
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The University teacher noticed that his exchange student, Micheal, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention..!

So, one day the teacher asks Micheal about his secret. Micheal replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the University teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Is that you, Micheal...?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ce4un/the_university_teacher_noticed_that_his_exchange/
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3 guys go on ballon trip

Thre man go on ballon for a trip. First one takes a bag of apples with him. Second a sixpack of beer. Third a bomb. And off they go. After a while ballon starts falling so to reduce the weight they decide to throw of things they brought with them. First man throws his bag of apples of the ballon.
An old man walking on the road sees a young boy crying he goes to him and asks him why is he crying, the boy answers. A bag of apples fell on me from the sky. And the old man walks away.
But the ballon is stil to heavy so the second guy drops his sixpack of beer
The old man sees another young boy crying and asks him why is he crying. The boy answers. a sixpack of beer fell on me from the sky. The man countinious his way.
But the ballon is stil to heavy so the last guy drops the bomb out of the ballon.
The old man sees a boy rolling and laughing on the ground he asks him whats so funy and the boy says. My father farted so hard the whole school blew up.
The joke was originaly in my home language but i did my best to translate so sory for spelling mistakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ce2m6/3_guys_go_on_ballon_trip/
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What does a burned pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?

An idiot who forgot to take it out on time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ce0fh/what_does_a_burned_pizza_a_frozen_beer_and_a/
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Jokes about sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar??

Demerara!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cdyo7/jokes_about_sugar_are_rare_jokes_about_brown_sugar/
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You can't run through a camp ground.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cdujj/you_cant_run_through_a_camp_ground/
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Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cduia/two_engineering_students_were_biking_across_a/
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A Mexican man puts two quarters and a nickel into a vending machine to buy a soda

but the price is 65 cents. Instead of dispensing the soda the machine it reads "DIME" so the man leans in and says “Quiero una Coca”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cdnwq/a_mexican_man_puts_two_quarters_and_a_nickel_into/
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A hunter shoots a bear in the ass with a pistol...

The bear, feeling the sting in his ass, turns towards the hunter runs down the hill and pins the hunter down. The bear says "since you shot me in the ass, I'm going to screw you in the ass..."
The hunter, not wanting to die, agrees - pulls his pants down and allows the bear to have its way with him.
A month later the hunter is in the woods with a .45 - sees the same bear and shoots it in the ass. Same thing happens - bear runs down the hill, pins the hunter on his back and says "you shoot my ass, I'm gonna screw you in the ass.."
Again, the hunter not wanting to die, agrees and pulls his pants down so the bear can have its way with him.
Another month goes by and this time the hunter has a shotgun. He sees the bear and shoots him in the ass. The bear, feeling the sting of the buckshot in his ass, turns and runs down the hill. He sees the hunter standing there, frightened...hands shaking...
The bear looks at him suspiciously and says "you're not really here for the hunting, are you...?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cdmua/a_hunter_shoots_a_bear_in_the_ass_with_a_pistol/
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Jesus and Muhammad were having an intense debate about which of their religions is stronger.

“My faith moved mountains,” exclaimed Jesus.
“Yes,” agreed Muhammad, “but mine moved skyscrapers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cdmdy/jesus_and_muhammad_were_having_an_intense_debate/
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What's the best part about an elevator joke?

They just work on SO many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cdej8/whats_the_best_part_about_an_elevator_joke/
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Boston’s dead crows

On interstate I-95 running from Boston to New Hampshire they had a problem with crows being hit by vehicles. They were being killed by the hundreds. They hired a professor from MIT to figure out why so many crows were being hit. He discovered that when crows land to feed, they leave one crow in the tree to watch for danger. They found out that the Boston crows could say “caw caw” but they couldn’t say “truck truck”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cde8k/bostons_dead_crows/
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A photon checks into a hotel, and when the bellhop asks if can help with the luggage, the photon says

"*I don't have any, because I'm traveling light*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cdcqa/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel_and_when_the_bellhop/
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Last night there was a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cda6l/last_night_there_was_a_seminar_on_how_to_withhold/
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What's the fastest liquid?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cd9ck/whats_the_fastest_liquid/
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I know the feeling...

An auto mechanic in the hospital was chatting nervously with his surgeon while being prepped for an operation. "Sometimes I wish I'd gone into your line of work," he told the doctor. "Everything you doctors do is so cut and dried and tidy. With me, I spend half a day taking an engine apart and putting it back together, and it seems like I always have a couple of parts left over."
"Yes," said the surgeon. "I know the feeling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cd79d/i_know_the_feeling/
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Adblock makes women find you unattractive...

I just installed it and all the horny singles in my area has lost interest in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cd5hm/adblock_makes_women_find_you_unattractive/
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When I was young, I thought all germs came from

Germany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ccxjj/when_i_was_young_i_thought_all_germs_came_from/
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What is the most dramatic type of Sandwich?

Ham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ccwu8/what_is_the_most_dramatic_type_of_sandwich/
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The man who invented the TV remote control died...

He's going to be buried between two couch cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ccuts/the_man_who_invented_the_tv_remote_control_died/
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I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen...

I can feel it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ccsru/im_reading_a_horror_story_in_braille_something/
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A nurse finds a Rectal thermometer in her pocket

to which she exclaims "Awh some arsehole's got my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ccrc0/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
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The man, the dog, and the donkey.

A man and a dog are walking alongside a donkey on a very hot day. The man wipes the sweat off his face and looks up at the sky. The man says "Never seen a day this hot in my life". The donkey says, "Yeah man I'm with you, it's so damn hot". The man, terrified and surprised that the donkey just talked, starts running with the dog as fast and as far as he can before having to stop from exhaustion. The man says "The heat is driving me insane. I've never heard a donkey talk!". The dog says, "It's not the heat, I heard him too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ccpx4/the_man_the_dog_and_the_donkey/
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A man goes to a bar

He sits down at the bar and hears a voice "that's a nice shirt man, lookin good!"
He thinks "That's odd," and orders a drink. "Man that's a good drink order, you have good taste!"
Again, the man is confused. He says to the bartender "what's that voice I keep hearing?"
Bartender says "it's the peanuts, they're complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ccnys/a_man_goes_to_a_bar/
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I named my eraser Confidence...

Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ccm4o/i_named_my_eraser_confidence/
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While Jesus was on the stake, he calls out to Peter....

"Peter, come. Come."
So Peter says "Yes, My Lord." He goes to approach Jesus but the guards stop him, and they cut off his arm. So Peter runs away.
Later, he comes back and he hears Jesus.
"Peter, come. Come."
So Peter says "Yes, My Lord." He goes to approach Jesus but the guards stop him again, and cut off his other arm. So Peter retreats.
After a while he returns and hears Jesus.
"Peter, come. Come."
So Peter sighs but is determined, "Yes, My Lord." Again, the guards stop him and cut off his leg this time. So Peter flees.
Once more Peter returns and he hears Jesus.
"Peter, come. Come here Peter."
As Peter hops over, the guards feel sorry for him and let him pass. Once Peter is with Jesus, "Yes, My Lord? I'm here."
Jesus says "I can see your house from here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ccjzd/while_jesus_was_on_the_stake_he_calls_out_to_peter/
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A priest and a nun are lost in the desert.

When their trusty camel lays down and dies of thirst, it becomes clear that they won't survive.
The nun says, "Father, there is something I must ask of you. In all my life I've never seen what a man has between his legs. Now that we're surely going to die, will you show me?"
The priest is happy to oblige - maybe a little *too* happy, because by the time he gets his trousers down he's sporting a massive hard-on.
"Goodness!" exclaims the nun. "What in heaven's name is *that?*"
"This, my child," says the priest, "is what gives life."
The nun thinks for a moment. "Then shove in that camel's ass and let's get the fuck out of here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ccj3k/a_priest_and_a_nun_are_lost_in_the_desert/
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Don't drive like my brother...

I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ccg9p/dont_drive_like_my_brother/
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What did Chuck Norris tell his father before he went off to college?

"you're the man of the house now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ccf5t/what_did_chuck_norris_tell_his_father_before_he/
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Converting a Bear

A protestant minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is best. After hours of arguing, they agree to go into the woods and convert a bear. They would meet up in next week to see who won.
The next week, the Priest comes in to the coffee shop with his arm in a sling and sees the minister drinking coffee with a cast on his leg. The minister sees him and asks if he converted his bear.
"Yes" said the priest, "though it was tough. I wrestled the bear for hours and that's how I got this, " he points to the sling, "but eventually, I pushed it into a river and baptized it, then it became docile as a lamb, its coming to Mass on Sunday."
The Minister said "I have a similar story, I found a bear eating a honeycomb, so I grabbed the honeycomb and ran to the nearest pond. The bear caught up to me and I had to wrestle him into the pond, not before he gave me this though," he pointed to his leg, "anyway, once I got it into the water and baptized it, it became docile as a lamb. Its coming to Congregation this Sunday."
At that moment the Rabbi is wheeled in with a full body cast. The Priest and the Minister both get up and asked him what happened.
The Rabbi relied, "Well, I probably shouldn't have started with a circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ccd1n/converting_a_bear/
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Classic. I’d be surprised if this was not posted already.

One afternoon the teacher asked the Johnny “Can you explain what oxidation is?” He replied “No my science is a little rusty.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cc8x3/classic_id_be_surprised_if_this_was_not_posted/
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I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks

It's nice to have a bit of company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cc6d7/i_felt_very_lonely_so_i_bought_some_stocks/
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Trump launch a military campaign against Syria

Operation Desert Stormy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cc3u8/trump_launch_a_military_campaign_against_syria/
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What do you call an Amish person sticking his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cc0yn/what_do_you_call_an_amish_person_sticking_his/
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What does an evil cow say?

Moohaha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cc0is/what_does_an_evil_cow_say/
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What do you call a frozen lesbian?

A klondike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cc0h7/what_do_you_call_a_frozen_lesbian/
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I was born without eyelids, so they created them from my foreskin...

Now I’m a little cock-eyed.
My dad has a lazy eye and tells this joke when someone asks about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cc0d1/i_was_born_without_eyelids_so_they_created_them/
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When I go to the bathroom

I get shit done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cbwrc/when_i_go_to_the_bathroom/
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A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor

A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.
The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cbvoc/a_lady_threatened_to_sue_her_husbands_doctor/
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I walked into a fancy dress shop and said to the woman, "I'm going to a party tonight, and I want to go as an A4 piece of paper."

She gave me a blank look.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cbq8t/i_walked_into_a_fancy_dress_shop_and_said_to_the/
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My grandad pointed to my dog while he was rubbing his arse on the floor.

I said, "Don't try and distract me, old man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cbphh/my_grandad_pointed_to_my_dog_while_he_was_rubbing/
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I’m not anti-Semitic, I had a Jewish friend once.

Then I found out he was Jewish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cbp6a/im_not_antisemitic_i_had_a_jewish_friend_once/
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A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.

"Dear Ronald J. Kse, This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide. Thanks, your neighbors" Now, Ronald had really enjoyed last year's party, so he was delighted to be the host for this year. After a grand day of eating, drinking, and merrymaking, All of Ronald's neighbors left - without helping clean up. "That's fine, its just one party, and I've done the same other years" said Ron.
Fast forward the next year, Ron was looking forward to this year's harvest, and the celebration that would follow. After attending this year's anonymous vote, he gets another letter in the mail.
"Dear Mr. Kse, After the amazing time everyone had last year, the vote was decided again for you to be the host! We look forward to seeing you again, and thank you."
Ron sighs, but thinks "Yeah, last year's party was pretty great. I guess the cleanup wasn't too bad. No worries." Again, he gathered with his neighbors, and they feasted and drank themselves silly... but there were twice as many people this year. Friends, family, friends of family were all invited...
The cleanup was far worse this year. "But," Ron thought, "there's no way I'll get it three years in a row." Next year, Ron's sister was visiting, and went with him to check the mail. She handed him a very lavish envelope, garnished with golden filigree and laden with caligraphy.
She exclaimed "Wow! This is beautiful! It must be something very wonderful and important!"
"No... I've seen this before... It's another fucking reap host..." said R. Joe Kse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cboxf/a_humble_farmer_goes_out_to_his_mailbox_seeing/
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Richard and I are no longer friends

That guy was a dick anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cbn52/richard_and_i_are_no_longer_friends/
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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of twenty dollar bills on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for and the bartender goes on to explain that if you put $20 in the jar and complete a challenge you get to keep all the money in the jar. The guy says what the hell and puts $20 in the jar and asks what the challenge is. The bartender says that you need to go outside and punch a cop, then come back here and we will lock you in a room with a pit bull and you have to pull a tooth out of its mouth, finally you need to fuck and old lady. The guy says ok then runs around and punches a cop square in the sack. He runs back to the bar and goes to the back room where the pit bull is. They lock him in and they start to hear screaming and howling and after a good 10 minutes the guy comes out all bloody and asks the bartender where the lady he has to pull the tooth out of is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cbkyb/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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it appears a chicken was found dead under mysterious circumstance.

police suspect fowl play.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cbhlh/it_appears_a_chicken_was_found_dead_under/
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Jones the farmer and his son Berwyn sign up for a sight-seeing tour in a small aircraft. As always, Jones angles for the best deal possible.

“Very well, Mr Jones,” says the pilot. “If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Berwyn can have your tickets for free.”
So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it’s a rough one, launching almost straight up, flying under the Severn Bridge, using every single bit of acrobatics in his repertoire and doing a loop at the end.
Jones says nothing. After they land, the pilot turns to Jones in disbelief.
“Mr Jones, I’ve been doing this for 20 years and no-one’s ever been able to hold back from screaming. Tell me, was there ever a point in the flight where you wanted to say something?”
“Aye,” Jones replies. “When Berwyn fell out”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cbg4h/jones_the_farmer_and_his_son_berwyn_sign_up_for_a/
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God it's annoying playing poker with Jesus

Guy raises on the river every damn time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cbdhq/god_its_annoying_playing_poker_with_jesus/
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Why can’t you trick an unemployed jester?

He’s nobody’s fool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cbb73/why_cant_you_trick_an_unemployed_jester/
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What's the difference between a tribe of pygmys and a women's track team?

One is a cunning band of runts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cbaq8/whats_the_difference_between_a_tribe_of_pygmys/
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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cb9kp/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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What’s the average temperature of tattooine?

Lukewarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cb7t9/whats_the_average_temperature_of_tattooine/
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Don't ask don't tell is a great policy for dating.

I don't ask them out, they don't tell me no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cb7gy/dont_ask_dont_tell_is_a_great_policy_for_dating/
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I was once given a choice by god; I could have a big penis, or the world’s greatest memory recollection.

I can’t remember for the life of me which one I chose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cb75g/i_was_once_given_a_choice_by_god_i_could_have_a/
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I screwed up when I paved my private road...

I guess it's my own dumb asphalt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cb6w7/i_screwed_up_when_i_paved_my_private_road/
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At the beginning of the year, Micheal's teacher was told never to make a bet with Micheal.

One day at school, Micheal bet his teacher $50 that he could correctly guess what color underwear she was wearing.
So the teacher accepted his bet.
Then the teacher thought, "Wait. I was told never to make a bet with him. I know..."
She went into the restroom and removed her panties, then put her pants back on.
At the end of the day, Micheal came up to her and guessed, "Blue."
The teacher pulled down her pants to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
Micheal said, "OK, you got me. My dad's got the money."
They went outside to where Micheal's dad was waiting, and she explained the situation.
His dad exclaimed, "Damn it! That little shit bet me $100 he'd see your pussy by the end of the day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cb6mj/at_the_beginning_of_the_year_micheals_teacher_was/
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Did my girlfriend find me sexually unsatisfying?

A small part of me says yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cb5kq/did_my_girlfriend_find_me_sexually_unsatisfying/
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What does Grand Theft Auto and Europe in the 1930s have in common?

If you have a star, you’re being chased

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cb3ev/what_does_grand_theft_auto_and_europe_in_the/
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Two old Jews, sitting on a park bench ...

The one old guys says, "Simon, you just won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"
Simon replies, "Well, I was thinking of going back to the old country and putting up a big statue in the town square."
"That sounds nice. A statue of whom?"
"I'm going to put up a big statue of Adolph Hitler."
"WHAT?? Are you meshuggeneh!!?? He killed 6 million Jews!! Why on Earth would you put up a statue of Hitler???"
"Oh, I owe everything to Hitler! Look ... [rolls up his sleeve] ... he gave me the winning numbers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cb25m/two_old_jews_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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A man sees a doctor about his premajure ejaculation problem

The doctor advises him that the next time he know's he'll be having sex, he should try masturbating a bit beforehand to relieve some of the pressure, allowing him to last longer.
Not long after the appointment, the man was at work when sure enough he started getting some very sexy texts from his wife, explaining in detail all the dirty things she planned to do with him when he walked through the door.
He finished his work anxiously and rushed to his truck to start making his way home, when the doctor's advice suddenly popped into his head. 'Where am I going to do this??' he wondered to himself, his options growing more and more limited as he got closer to home..
'AHA!' he thought 'I know what I'll do! I'll just pull off on the side of the road and lay under my truck for a couple of minutes, finish the deed, and no one will be the wiser.'
Feeling rather clever he pulled over, climbed under his truck, unzipped his pants, and closed his eyes tightly, allowing tantalizing visions of his beautiful wife to consume his mind.
Not very long in to his fantasy, the man soon heard approaching footsteps. Closing his eyes tighter to maintain his focus, he listened as a voice called out to him - "Uh, sir, is everything alright?"
"Oh yes everything is fine, I'm just down here checking to see if I'm leaking any fluids, but thank you anyway for stopping" he replied.
"Oh.. Well you might want to check the brakes while you're at it 'cause your truck rolled down the hill a couple of minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cb1um/a_man_sees_a_doctor_about_his_premajure/
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A Chinese Neo-Nazi started a Facebook page

So far it has gotten three reichs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cb0i1/a_chinese_neonazi_started_a_facebook_page/
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Why is the letter C afraid of the other letters in the alphabet?

All the other letters are Not-C’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cazta/why_is_the_letter_c_afraid_of_the_other_letters/
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Hey, you want to hear a joke about the fifteenth letter of the alphabet?

“Why?”
“No, that’s a different joke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8caxpp/hey_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_the_fifteenth/
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What did the photon say to the bellhop when he asked him “can I help you with your bags?”

“No thank you, I’m traveling light”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8caw57/what_did_the_photon_say_to_the_bellhop_when_he/
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Being gay can be a pain in the ass.

And not the fun kind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8casr0/being_gay_can_be_a_pain_in_the_ass/
%
Hillbilly 20 Questions

Hillbilly Jacob is bored and wants to play 20 questions with his cousin Cletus.
Jacob: "Hey Cletus, want to play 20 questions?"
Cletus: "Sure, what's that?"
Jacob: "I think of something and write it down on this here paper. And you can ask me 20 questions to try and guess what it is."
Cletus: "Well alright."
Jacob then writes down "Donkey Dick" on the paper.
Cletus: "Can I eat it?"
Jacob: "Hehe, well I reckon you can!"
Cletus: "Is it donkey dick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8casnk/hillbilly_20_questions/
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I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.

The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".
I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I fart, the room smells incredible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8carw3/i_bought_myself_a_new_deodorant_stick_this_morning/
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A man with no toes walks into a bar...

...the bartender looks at the man's feet and says "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."
The man is confused. He asks a nearby customer what the bartender is talking about. The customer responds:
"He's 'lack-toes' intolerant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8caq2n/a_man_with_no_toes_walks_into_a_bar/
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Once upon a time, there was a kingdom.

In that kingdom the princess was the most beautiful, but her father the King was obsessed with maintaining her virginity. So he had a device put in her vagina which would lop off anything put inside. He then called his 3 most loyal knights before him.
King: Men, I'm off to visit the neighboring kingdom. Comport yourselves well and ensure that nobody touches the princess including yourselves!
The king then leaves for a week and returns. He calls the 3 knights before him again. He orders the first knight to drop his pants. The knight does so and his penis has been chopped off. The king orders him executed. He then has the second knight drop his pants. The knight does so and his penis has been chopped off. The king orders him executed. He then has third knight drop his pants. His penis is intact.
King: Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!
Third Knight: Eywanmytonbac!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cape9/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_kingdom/
%
Three guys go to a ski lodge...

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says,
"I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says:
"That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cam7d/three_guys_go_to_a_ski_lodge/
%
[NSFW] A man faces judgement after stealing a loaf of bread.

He is thrown to the floor infront of a Judge, who announces, "The prisoner is to be hung, immediately". The guards pick up the man and drag him out.
A week passes and the same man is thrown infront of the Judge, having been caught stealing more bread.
"GUARDS!!" Shouts the Judge, "Employ a new executioner and have this man well and truly hung this time!" The guards pick up the man and drag him out.
Another week passes and the same man is thrown infront of the Judge, having been caught stealing **EVEN MORE** bread.
"**GUAAARDS!!**" Shouts the Judge...
"Judge, please... I can't take this torture anymore!" Shouts the man, revealing a very swollen, 20 inch penis. "I beg you, please, this time can I be hanged".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cal9a/nsfw_a_man_faces_judgement_after_stealing_a_loaf/
%
A woman is sitting at a funeral, for her husband.

A man then asks "do you mind if I say a word?"
The woman replies "No, go ahead"
The man makes his way to the front at the head of the coffin, clears his throat and says "plethora" before returning to his seat.
"Thank you" says the woman. "That means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cagxy/a_woman_is_sitting_at_a_funeral_for_her_husband/
%
Those new dildos that just came out...

Are really making a buzz!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cacgc/those_new_dildos_that_just_came_out/
%
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

You know what?, "says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell' and you say 'ass', O.K.?"
"O.K." the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK!!
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8cab7q/a_7_year_old_and_a_4_year_old_are_upstairs_in/
%
Newsflash! A small, 2-seat aircraft crashed in a graveyard in Poland.

Rescuers have found 115 dead so far and expect to find hundreds more as they continue digging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8caa9n/newsflash_a_small_2seat_aircraft_crashed_in_a/
%
Two buddies were out for a saturday stroll

One had a doberman and the other had a chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."
The guy with the chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."
They walked over to the bar and the guy with the doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to
walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're
very good."
The bouncer said, "Come on in."
The buddy with the chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A chihuahua?"
The man with the chihuahua said, "A chihuahua? They gave me a fucking chihuahua?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ca7k7/two_buddies_were_out_for_a_saturday_stroll/
%
A soldier ran up to a nun

, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied: "He went that way."
After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."
The nun said: "I understand completely."
The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ca6uk/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
%
I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ca6dx/i_have_an_epipen/
%
How to beat a Tibetan monk

A Tibetan monk and his young subordinate arrive in a small town in medieval England to challenge it's men to fight.
The town sheriff tells his best fighter to step up to the challenge, but the smug monk beats him down with a single, well placed blow.
The sheriff sends in two more men, but the Tibetan monk spectacularly jumps in the air, taking them both out with an impressive spinning split kick.
The sheriff sends in all his remaining men at once, but one by one, they fall to the might of the Tibetan monk.
Fed up with watching his arrogant master boast his skills, the young subordinate approaches the sheriff and offers him some advice. He points to the fat, robed Catholic monk and advises the sheriff to send him into the fray.
Having nothing left to lose, the sheriff agrees and orders the fat town monk to step into battle.
Miraculously, he drops the Tibetan monk with ease, and the whole town (including the young subordinate) erupt into applause!
The sherif asks the Tibetan traveller how he knew the town's fat Catholic monk could win...
"I'm surprise you not frigure this out yourself", the Tibetan traveller replies, "as old English proverb says, fight friar with friar".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ca14g/how_to_beat_a_tibetan_monk/
%
I went to the zoo the other day and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9zpk/i_went_to_the_zoo_the_other_day_and_saw_a/
%
Last night there was a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.......

Nobody came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9zp7/last_night_there_was_a_seminar_on_how_to_withhold/
%
A man gets mad at his wife

for using the computer to much. she posts "my husband is mad at me, he said if I use it any longer he will smash my head across the keyboard. Yeah righdfjklhgfguhgcgj.n vcxft"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9ypb/a_man_gets_mad_at_his_wife/
%
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on the floor...

but, only for like 15 seconds...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9w7l/i_once_had_a_goldfish_that_could_breakdance_on/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Indian man were in the hospital.

Their wives had just given birth and the three new fathers were waiting to see their newborn sons.  A doctor came and ushered them into the newborn nursery.  When they got there a worried-looking nurse said, "There's a problem.  We forgot to put wristbands on the babies, and now we don't know which is the English baby and which is the Scottish."
The nurse and doctor left the room to discuss what to do about the problem.  DNA testing hadn't been invented yet so it was likely they'd never know for sure which baby was which.  The Scotsman went over to the dark-skinned Indian baby, picked him up and walked towards the door.
"Er excuse me," said the Indian man.  "I think you'll find that's my baby."
"Sssh, I know!" whispered the Scotsman, "but one of these babies is English and I'm not taking any chances!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9uhq/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_indian_man_were/
%
A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked,
"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister.
You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq .
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9sln/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
%
My dick is called life. Life is hard.

Life is also short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9s5q/my_dick_is_called_life_life_is_hard/
%
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister.
You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9rg5/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar_and_find_his_way_to_a/
%
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9pw2/a_man_goes_to_a_bar_and_sees_a_fat_girl_dancing/
%
I couldn't think of a way to make a Drake and Josh joke sound simple

But I found a way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9pv7/i_couldnt_think_of_a_way_to_make_a_drake_and_josh/
%
What did Elon Musk's ex-wife wrote to him before breaking up?

"Honey, I think we need some space. x"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9n7l/what_did_elon_musks_exwife_wrote_to_him_before/
%
A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.

"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.
"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9mcp/a_man_comes_home_to_find_his_wife_of_10_years/
%
I told my dad I wanted to be a jockey when I grew up

He said I had to pick one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9lvz/i_told_my_dad_i_wanted_to_be_a_jockey_when_i_grew/
%
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible Joke. 3 Stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9lnx/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
%
My friend was about to get attacked by a duck.

I tried to warn him, but it only made it worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9k2g/my_friend_was_about_to_get_attacked_by_a_duck/
%
What did Batman say to Robin when they were getting in the BatMobile

“Robin get in the BatMobile”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9jnr/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_when_they_were/
%
A man is driving in the the remote wilderness of central Iceland

when his car broke down. After trying in vain to restart it, he got out, opened the hood and started tinkering with the engine. He was about to give up hope when he heard a voice behind him.
"That'll be your alternator. You've got an uneven air gap between rotor and stator and it's causing it to vibrate."
The man looked round and, to his horror, saw a horse standing there. In terror, he ran back down the road he was driving on until he came to a small cottage.
He banged on the door until the farmer inside opened it.
After explaining what happened, the farmer raised an eyebrow and asked "this horse, was he white, with a brown patch on the top of his head?"
Confused, the man admitted that yes, this did sound like the horse that spoke to him.
"Oh don't listen to that one", the farmer said, "he knows nothing about cars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9iz3/a_man_is_driving_in_the_the_remote_wilderness_of/
%
A Jewish man says to his Jewish friend "Nice watch, where did you get it?"

His friend replies "I bought it from my father  just before he passed away"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9etp/a_jewish_man_says_to_his_jewish_friend_nice_watch/
%
All joking assad

Thing are getting pretty syrias

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9d1h/all_joking_assad/
%
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9cmw/a_mexican_man_who_spoke_no_english_went_into_a/
%
What was the partially blind man’s reason for falling into a well?

“I can’t see that well”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9aza/what_was_the_partially_blind_mans_reason_for/
%
My computer asked me to pick a password, so I typed Beef Stew.

Unfortunately it wasn't Stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c99s4/my_computer_asked_me_to_pick_a_password_so_i/
%
Thank you banks

for the student loans, car loans and mortgages, which helped me survive my life.
I don't know if I can ever repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c96zr/thank_you_banks/
%
A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral.

A man leans in and asks, "Do you mind if I said a word?"
"No, go right ahead," says the woman.
The man stands, clears his throat, says, "Plethora," and sits back down.
"Thanks," says the woman. "That means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c963c/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_husbands_funeral/
%
Worst foursome in golf history

1. Stormy Daniels
2. O. J. Simpson
3. Ted Kennedy
4. Bill Clinton
Why? You ask
1. Stormy is a hooker.
2. O. J. is a slicer.
3. Ted can't drive over water, and
4. Bill can't remember which hole he played last..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c947g/worst_foursome_in_golf_history/
%
What have 4 fingers, 1 thumb and isn't your hand?

My hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c91fc/what_have_4_fingers_1_thumb_and_isnt_your_hand/
%
The worst thing about Friday the 13th

Is monday the 16th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c90f6/the_worst_thing_about_friday_the_13th/
%
How do you sink a Canadian submarine?

You knock on the door and they will open it and invite you in for a beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8yhs/how_do_you_sink_a_canadian_submarine/
%
Godfather and a deaf-mute

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8ww8/godfather_and_a_deafmute/
%
My friend said that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut in his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8wk1/my_friend_said_that_onions_are_the_only_food_that/
%
How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex?

Call her and put her on speaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8v5i/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_cry_during_sex/
%
Did my girlfriend find me sexually unsatisfying?

A small part of me says yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8s2q/did_my_girlfriend_find_me_sexually_unsatisfying/
%
I Recently opened up a Bomb shop.

Business has been booming lately!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8rae/i_recently_opened_up_a_bomb_shop/
%
A thai woman runs into a wall, what does she break?

Her boner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8r4x/a_thai_woman_runs_into_a_wall_what_does_she_break/
%
I'm trying to understand how there can be so many school shooting jokes on Reddit...

But I guess everyone's aiming at a younger crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8phs/im_trying_to_understand_how_there_can_be_so_many/
%
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8pc4/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_luke_was_getting/
%
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8p9y/vladimir_putin_and_kim_jong_un_are_discussing/
%
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8om6/what_is_worse_than_raining_cats_and_dogs/
%
My brother isn’t going for a bike ride tomorrow because his brakes don’t work

That shouldn’t stop him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8obh/my_brother_isnt_going_for_a_bike_ride_tomorrow/
%
Was Hitler on Santa's Naughty or Nice list?

Both. He was on the "Naughtcy" list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8mwq/was_hitler_on_santas_naughty_or_nice_list/
%
Dad, what's a transgender?

Ask mom, he knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8lyq/dad_whats_a_transgender/
%
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost.

He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8llf/a_man_flying_in_a_hot_air_balloon_suddenly/
%
[Long] Farts and Thanksgiving

John and Susan have been married for many years.  Every morning as John woke up, he would let loose the loudest, most foul smelling fart you could imagine.  Every morning, Susan would tell John that he was going to blow his guts out of his ass.  John would just laugh and continue his morning routine.
One Thanksgiving while Susan was cleaning the turkey early that morning before John woke up, she had an idea.  Susan gathered all the guts and gizzards and snuck upstairs.  Susan placed all of the guts in John's underwear and went back downstairs to continue her work.
About an hour later, Susan heard John wake up with the loudest, raunchiest fart she had ever heard, followed by a blood curdling scream.  Susan started laughing and waited, but 15 minutes passed and John still didn't come downstairs.
Susan went upstairs and found John walking out of the bathroom.
"Susan!" John said, "You were right! After all these years of telling me I was going to blow my guts out of my ass you were right!"
Susan just smiled and nodded John to continue.
John said, "But by the grace of god, these two fingers and this bottle of Vaseline, I managed to get them back up there!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8lhw/long_farts_and_thanksgiving/
%
Mime on mime violence is rampant.

But you just never hear about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8lg4/mime_on_mime_violence_is_rampant/
%
A guy is in a doctors office...

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.
"What are they?"
"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."
"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.
"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."
The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8kzs/a_guy_is_in_a_doctors_office/
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A new line of Samsung washing machines was launched today

16 injured

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8kxq/a_new_line_of_samsung_washing_machines_was/
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FedEx and UPS tried working together once

Didn't last long as they became FedUp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8kii/fedex_and_ups_tried_working_together_once/
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I had a great joke about paper

But then I realized it was tearable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8k5z/i_had_a_great_joke_about_paper/
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This is a story about the girl that didn't know what cursing was. NSFW

It was Thanksgiving evening and the young girl was sleeping in her bedroom and she heard her parents having sex in the next bedroom over. She hears the dad say, "oh honey I love your luscious tits" and she hears the mom say, "oh baby I love your slim dick". So the next morning, the daughter walks up to the dad and says, "Hey dad, what are luscious tits?" the dad panics and says, "It's a fine coat". She then walks up to the mom and says, "Hey mom, what's a slim dick?". The mom panics and says, "It's a pair of boots". Later on that day, everybody's getting ready for the Holiday. The girl walks past the bathroom and sees her dad shaving. He cuts himself on the cheek and shouts, "Shit!". The daughter then asks,"What does shit mean" and the dad replies, "I'm shaving right now sweety". The girl walks into the kitchen and sees her mom trying to cook the turkey. The mom accidentally drops the turkey and shouts, "Fuck". The daughter then asks, "hey mom, what does f*ck mean" and the mom replies, "I'm cooking the turkey sweety". About an hour later friends and family arrive at the door. The girl answers the door and says, "Hello everyone hang up your luscious tits and drop your slim dicks, my dad is upstairs shitting and my mom's f*cking the turkey".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8ips/this_is_a_story_about_the_girl_that_didnt_know/
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Did you know Donald Trump is banning pre-shredded cheese?

TO MAKE MERICA GRATE AGAIN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8grx/did_you_know_donald_trump_is_banning_preshredded/
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What kind of car does a furry drive?

A Murrcedes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8fp3/what_kind_of_car_does_a_furry_drive/
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I can't say a bad thing about my wife.

She doesn't take well to criticism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8f05/i_cant_say_a_bad_thing_about_my_wife/
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Jim was interrogated by the police Officer

This was concerning an injured man with a fractured skull.
Officer: Why was the man hurt?
Jim: He was trespassing on my property!
Officer: That does not explain why he was injured?
Jim: That guy’s a thief! I found him in the garden trying to sneak into my house!
Officer: Yes... We already know that much...what we want to know is how he got that fractured skull.
Jim: He was obviously trying to steal my personal property.
Officer: Okay look sir, we are not going to release you until we get answers. Cut to the chase and answer the damn question. What did you do to him?
Jim: Okok I’m sorry, I was just beating around the bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8d92/jim_was_interrogated_by_the_police_officer/
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The other night I superglued my thumb and forefinger together...

Dont worry, everything is ok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8bzg/the_other_night_i_superglued_my_thumb_and/
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Scientists recently conducted research on the human brain.

Scientists recently did a study on the roles the right side and left side of the brain had on cognition. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c87fm/scientists_recently_conducted_research_on_the/
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I came up with a new word

~~Plagiarism~~ Reposts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c85nl/i_came_up_with_a_new_word/
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A young boy was getting ready for a geography test he was going to take at school.

As he studied, he decided to ask his mother for help:
"Mom, will you help me revise for my geography test?"
"Sure honey, let's see... what's the capital of Germany?'
"Berlin!"
"Good job! What about the capital of France?"
"Berlin!"
"Way to go! What's the capital of the US?"
"Berlin!"
"Good job, little Adolf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c8509/a_young_boy_was_getting_ready_for_a_geography/
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An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this idea to the consumer in a visual way. He sees a girl at a mall who is cute and asks her if she’s ever modeled before. The girl becomes shy and demure and tells him, no. He says, “I think you’ll be great for my ad campaign and label. Please would you pit this peach for me?” She finds it odd that a man brings peaches with him to a mall but she agrees to pit the peach. The guy is stunned, it’s the most beautiful image he’s ever seen, perfect, girl next door looks, pitting a peach! She’s sure to look even better with lights and makeup so he tells her to come to a photo session in a studio. She warns him that she is too shy and couldn’t be a model but he insists. A few days later at the photo shoot, she is dolled up and has peaches to pit in a rustic kitchen environment set that has been made just for this scene. There are several photographers and lights and everybody is waiting but she gets stage fright. In front of everyone she finds she cannot go through with the process of pitting the peach. She stands there, frozen in inaction, cursing herself for saying yes. After growing increasingly frustrated, the man shouts at her eventually, “I’m going to need you to pit, or get off the shot!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c83w4/an_ad_campaign_for_pitted_peaches_long/
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Helium walks into a bar

The bartender says “we don’t serve noble gasses”
It didn’t react

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c83mu/helium_walks_into_a_bar/
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A Chinese couple gave birth to an albino baby

...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c801s/a_chinese_couple_gave_birth_to_an_albino_baby/
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A family had invited the daughter's boyfriend to dinner for the first time

While preparing the dinner, they begin discussing who will do the dishes afterwards.
"It's my salary you're living on, I do not want to do the dishes," says the father in the family.
"I did it last monday," said the girl.
And mom replied, "I'm the one who cooks the food!"
It's quiet in the kitchen for a while, until mom gets an idea: "I know how we'll do. The first one to talk does the dishes"
A quarter passes in absolute silence before hearing the daughter's boyfriend arrive on his bicycle. He has an old bike that makes a  squeaking noise every time he hits the pedal. When he arrives, he parks his bike and walks in.
"Good evening!" The boyfriend's greetings are met with total silence. A little surprised, he sits next to the girl at the table. The father goes out to the kitchen, fetches the soup and serves it under silence.
"Great soup." Says the boyfriend. No answer.
Whatever he says during the meal there is no one who answers. At this point, the boyfriend begins to panic and decides to do something drastically to get the family's attention. "Oops!" He says loudly and puts his hand on the girl's thighs. No reaction.
He touches her breasts. Still no reaction.
This is insane. "What should I do?" Thought the boyfriend. He then decides to have sex with his girlfriend in front of her parents. He bends her over the table and lifts her skirt up and starts having sex.
When he is done, the girl sits down quietly and continues to eat without saying a word.
"I can't believe this. You are a bunch of fools! At least say that I have to marry her!" Screams the boyfriend desperately. He storms out of the house and walks away. While his bike still makes that awful squeaking sound.
Couic, couic, couic.
"This is crazy!" He says to himself.
Couic, couic.
"I had sex with their daughter on the table and they said nothing!"
Couic, couic.
"I probably could've had sex with the mother too, they would not have said anything either!"
Couic, couic.
He turns around and walks back. He opens the door, walks up to the mother, bends her over the table, lifts her dress up and has sex with her. When he's finished, he's thanking and leaving. Still met by a wall of silence.
Couic, couic.
"What a family." He says to himself.
Couic, couic.
"What a damn evening!"
Couic, couic, couic.
"AND THIS GODDAMN BIKE ISN'T MAKING THINGS BETTER!"
Couic, couic.
"I can't stand this anymore! I have to do something, this squeaking is driving me crazy!"
He returns to the family, opens the door and screams, "Do you have any lubricants?"
The dad gets up, "Alright alright! I'll do the damn dishes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7zn9/a_family_had_invited_the_daughters_boyfriend_to/
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*tips fedora at mosquito*

m'laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7xkw/tips_fedora_at_mosquito/
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A father has forbade his daughters from dating until they are 18.

On their 18th birthdays they of course all have dates.  The father says "Your dates can pick you up, that way I can give 'em the once over".  "Ok daddy" the 3 daughter's replied in unison.  Later that night the first gentleman arrives, rings the doorbell, and the father answers the door with a shotgun.
"Hi sir, my name's eddy here to pickup Betty for spaghetti, is she ready?"
"Sure thing son.  Back by 11 y'hear?!"
The second gentleman rings the doorbell, and again the father answers with shotgun in hand.
"Evening sir, name's Mo, I'm taking Flo to the show.  Is she ready to go?"
"Sure thing son,  back by 11 y'hear?!"
So the third guy rings the doorbell, the father answers with a shotgun.
"What's up. I'm buck...."
And the father shot em dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7wpv/a_father_has_forbade_his_daughters_from_dating/
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A man calls technical support.

“Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
…..”Yes, I think so.”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
…..”Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
…..”Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach it.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes. I keep them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really! Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7w03/a_man_calls_technical_support/
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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7vzd/white_people_dont_shoot_each_other_in_the_streets/
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A blind tourist asks for directions...

A blind tourist asks a fella for directions.
He says, "Where can I find my way to Seattle?"
The fella looks at him, up and down, he hands the blind tourist a compass and said "Just follow the needle. "
The blind tourist replies sarcasticly, "oh haha, thaat's hilarious." and walks away...
As he left, looking back, the fella now just realizes what he did wrong so he run back to the tourist and said "My apologizes mister, for being so stupid"
The blind man smiles. The fella hands him a map.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7vvw/a_blind_tourist_asks_for_directions/
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The most heartbreaking thing to ever happen to me.

I was about to propose to my girlfriend one night when my housemate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere. He tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Now I didn’t know Joseph *that* well - hell don’t even remember where he was from, but I managed to suppress my frustration and help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with a cotton pad on his eye for a little while. One day, I came home to find that he had disappeared... along with my girlfriend. Apparently they’d bonded during the time after his injuries and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but couldn't find them.
tl;dr if it hadn’t been for cotton eye Joe, I’d have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7tu5/the_most_heartbreaking_thing_to_ever_happen_to_me/
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Where is the largest synagogue in the universe?

Jew-piter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7tcq/where_is_the_largest_synagogue_in_the_universe/
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I broke two of my dad’s Queen records

Now I want to break three

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7slj/i_broke_two_of_my_dads_queen_records/
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I feel sorry for homeless gay people

They have no closet to come out of.
(Credits: George Carlin)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7re0/i_feel_sorry_for_homeless_gay_people/
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A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.

The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7okz/a_father_and_his_6yearold_son_are_walking_down/
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People often say that “Icy” is the easiest word to spell,

And after looking at it I see why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7nkf/people_often_say_that_icy_is_the_easiest_word_to/
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A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7iny/a_man_is_in_a_hotel_lobby/
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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.

Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7ila/little_johnny_is_always_being_teased_by_the_other/
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A man opens a business training seeing-eye-dogs with what he claims to be "the most scientific methods possible."

A curious reporter wants to see these methods in action, so he arranges to observe the final tests of some of these trained assistance dogs along with the business owner.
The first dog enters the testing course with his blind handler and performs spectacularly. First the dog guides his human across a narrow bridge without guard rails, even looking back occasionally to make sure they were both away from the edges. Next, the dog and person team successfully transit a mock intersection, complete with lights and cross-walks. Finally, the dog leads his charge through a maze of obstacles, never letting his person come close to bumping into anything or falling over.
The reporter is very impressed and says as much to the owner, who beams with pride. By this time, the dog and handler have made their way back to the start of the course, and the reporter is surprised to see a trainer come out and secure a blindfold over the dog's eyes. The dog and person start off a second time, but this time the dog totally misses the narrow bridge and both of them fall into the shallow ditch below.
The owner turns to the reporter quickly and exclaims, "Okay, so we're still having some trouble getting through the double-blind trials."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7hqs/a_man_opens_a_business_training_seeingeyedogs/
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What happened to cinderella when she got to the ball?

She Choked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7hml/what_happened_to_cinderella_when_she_got_to_the/
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Shhhhhhhh!

-Shhhhhhh!
-Shhhhhhh!
-Shhhhhhh!
(A conversation between a snake and a librarian)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7fs3/shhhhhhhh/
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A woman frantically calls 9-1-1 and says, "There's a Democrat jerking off on my lawn!"

The dispatcher says, "OK ma'am, I've got a squad car on the way ... but tell me, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
She says, "Well if he was a Republican, wouldn't he be fucking someone?"
*(rearrange political parties to your own preference)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7a2n/a_woman_frantically_calls_911_and_says_theres_a/
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A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store

Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'
Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'
He responded 'They had eggs.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c79tq/a_wife_asks_her_programmer_husband_to_go_to_the/
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A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall...

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..
"What happened?", she asks anxiously.
"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip.. I get home.. and.. guess what I found..
Yes, your daughter, my wife.. with a guy in our marital bed..
This is unforgivable.. the end of our marriage..
I'm done.. I'm leaving forever.."
"Calm down.. calm down.. my son"..
says.. his mother-in-law..
"There is something very odd going on here..
My daughter would never do such a thing..
There must be a simple explanation..
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.."
Moments later.. the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile..
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..
She didn't get the email"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c752u/a_motherinlaw_arrives_home_from_the_mall/
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A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year.

If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.”
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said,
“My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c73wu/a_prince_was_put_under_a_spell_so_that_he_could/
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We fight in darkness to serve the light, who are we?

Electricians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c73td/we_fight_in_darkness_to_serve_the_light_who_are_we/
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How to kill a walking bird?

A plane has 500 bricks in it. One falls out. How many are left?
499
In 3 easy sets explain how to get a giraffe into a refrigerator?
1. Open the door.
2. Put the giraffe in.
3. Close the door.
In 4 easy steps explain how to put an elephant into a refrigerator?
1. Open the door.
2. Take the giraffe out.
3. Put the elephant in.
4. Shut the door.
Simba the lion through a party for his birthday. All the animals were invited. It was the event of a life time. Everyone showed up except who?
The elephant.
Why?
He was still in the refrigerator.
Dora the explorer comes to the most crocodile infested stream. No one lives to cross it. Except her. Why?
The crocodiles are at Simbas birthday.
Dora suddenly died. Why?
She was hit by a falling brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c72tb/how_to_kill_a_walking_bird/
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Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c72o4/right_before_surgery_the_surgeon_says_relax_jim/
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I just bought an ABBA toilet.

What a loo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7222/i_just_bought_an_abba_toilet/
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A young woman is at a party where she meets an older gentleman.

The two get to talking and eventually the topic of age comes up.  The older gentleman says, "Well, I'm 57, but don't tell me how old you are just yet!  See, I have this special ability where I can tell when a woman was born by feeling her breasts."  Amazed by the bold claim, the young woman dismisses it as idle bravado.  But as the night wears on and she continues to talk with the older man, curiosity starts to get the better of her.  After a few hours and another drink or two, she relents.  "Alright sir, I'm not sure that I believe you, but I have to see if you are in fact telling the truth."  The pair moves away from the party to find a secluded spot, where the older gentleman asks her to unbutton her blouse and take off her bra.  He then places his hands on the young woman's breasts and begins to carefully examine them, feeling first one, then the other.  This drags on for several.minutes and the young woman begins to get impatient.  "Alright, old man, it's been long enough, hasn't it?  Do you know when I was born or not?"  The gentleman steps back with a gleam in his eye and says triumphantly, "Well miss, I am thoroughly convinced that you were born yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c70p8/a_young_woman_is_at_a_party_where_she_meets_an/
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A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.

"Dear Ronald J. Kse,
This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.
Thanks, your neighbors"
Now, Ronald had really enjoyed last year's party, so he was delighted to be the host for this year.
After a grand day of eating, drinking, and merrymaking, All of Ronald's neighbors left - without helping clean up.
"That's fine, its just one party, and I've done the same other years" said Ron.
Fast forward the next year, Ron was looking forward to this year's harvest, and the celebration that would follow.
After attending this year's anonymous vote, he gets another letter in the mail.
"Dear Mr. Kse, After the amazing time everyone had last year, the vote was decided again for you to be the host! We look forward to seeing you again, and thank you."
Ron sighs, but thinks "Yeah, last year's party was pretty great. I guess the cleanup wasn't too bad. No worries."
Again, he gathered with his neighbors, and they feasted and drank themselves silly... but there were twice as many people this year. Friends, family, friends of family were all invited...
The cleanup was far worse this year. "But," Ron thought, "there's no way I'll get it three years in a row."
Next year, Ron's sister was visiting, and went with him to check the mail. She handed him a very lavish envelope, garnished with golden filigree and laden with caligraphy.
She exclaimed "Wow! This is beautiful! It must be something very wonderful and important!"
"No... I've seen this before... It's another fucking reap host..." said R. Joe Kse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c7012/a_humble_farmer_goes_out_to_his_mailbox_seeing/
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under 1 arm.

He says "I'll have a beer please, and one for the road!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c6u9u/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_slab_of_asphalt/
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This One Time ... (NSFW)

I was constipated and couldn't go.
Told my doctor.
He told me to go smack a random woman's ass.
I did.
She kicked the shit outta me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c6ruo/this_one_time_nsfw/
%
According to a new 2018 opinion poll:

Penises are out and Vaginas are in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c6qag/according_to_a_new_2018_opinion_poll/
%
Do you know how to sink a Russian submarine?

The Russians are perfectly capable of sinking their submarines themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c6nf5/do_you_know_how_to_sink_a_russian_submarine/
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A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."
The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"
The father replies, "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
The wife and daughter are really annoyed by what their father has said, so the daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says, "Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch, flexible but reliable. But after 50, it's like a Christmas tree."
The daughter laughs and asks, "A Christmas tree?"
The mother replies, "Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c6ma7/a_family_is_having_dinner_at_the_table_one/
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What do you call a dating app for paedophiles

Kinder tinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c6l7l/what_do_you_call_a_dating_app_for_paedophiles/
%
There once was a man with a long schlong.

His schlong was so long they say it was about a foot.
Just a few inches was all it took, and every lover of his was shook.
His long dong was the schlong that made many a woman a mom.
Unfortunately, his long ding dong didn't touch your mom, and your chances of having a big schlong? Long gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c6gtq/there_once_was_a_man_with_a_long_schlong/
%
I'm not worried about all this news of a third world war...

... I don't even live in Africa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c6f9i/im_not_worried_about_all_this_news_of_a_third/
%
My girlfriend says she needs some space.

Which is confusing because I thought my imagination was limitless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c6dp5/my_girlfriend_says_she_needs_some_space/
%
My phone keeps changing critical words in important texts.

Autocorrect, you've made a powerful enema today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c6bck/my_phone_keeps_changing_critical_words_in/
%
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are going through a terrible divorce

Mickey spoke to the judge about the seperation.
"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't seperate you two based on the grounds that she's mentally insane..."
"I didn't say that she was mentally insane, I said that she was fucking goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c65we/mickey_and_minnie_mouse_are_going_through_a/
%
An American went on a business trip to Japan.

He arrives with a few free days to spare and so decides to go out for a few drinks.  While out he meets a local and although they do not speak the same language they both feel an instant connection and head home to spend the night together.  As soon as they arrive at his hotel room, things get hot and heavy.  Straight away the Japanese girl starts passionately screaming "Machigatta ana, Machigatta ana".  Feeling good, the American continues until finally, they both tire out.
The next day he is invited to play a round of golf with his new business partners and willingly accepts.  He arrives, the weather is perfect, the course looks amazing and he is excited to meet his business partners for the first time.  He remembers the night before and the feelings he felt, so as he and his business partners arrive to the first hole he exclaims what his Japanese partner had exclaimed the night before.  "Machigatta ana boys, Machigatta ana".
The Japanese men turn to him confused and ask "wrong hole, what do you mean wrong hole?"
Ps.  Sorry Japanese speakers who could tell the punchline before it came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c64ha/an_american_went_on_a_business_trip_to_japan/
%
My doctor was checking my balls for lumps the other day.

It got quite awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c60vg/my_doctor_was_checking_my_balls_for_lumps_the/
%
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c5znh/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_joke/
%
[NSFW] A north dakota cowboy and a south Dakota cowboy are riding the fence one day

When they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in  the fence so the south Dakota cowboy gets down off his horse, goes over, and fucks the sheep.
He then looks up at the North Dakota cowboy and asks "do you want a go?"
Too which the North Dakota cowboy replies "sure" and he gets down off his horse,
Pulls his pants down,
And sticks his head I the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c5n09/nsfw_a_north_dakota_cowboy_and_a_south_dakota/
%
What’s Red and Green and Travels At 100MPH?

A frog in a blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c5jg2/whats_red_and_green_and_travels_at_100mph/
%
A husband and wife at therapy

A couple goes to a sex therapist. “His dick is too big and my vagina is too tight, he can’t get it in” says the wife. “How can we get sexy with each other?”
The doctor has a simple solution. “Go buy a bag of donuts and a bag of grapes. The wife can throw the donuts around the husband’s dick, and any that land on his dick she eats. The husband can roll grapes into the wife’s vagina, and any that get lodged in her vagina he eats.” So he sends the couple on their way.
On the couple’s way out, they see their neighbors, who are also at the sex therapist. They decide to wait for them and see how it turned out.
“Oh, he gave us a great solution!” Said the neighbors. “He sent us for things at the store.” “We have to get things at the store too, let’s go together!”
So while they’re at the store, they get what they need for the sex therapy. When they got to the checkout, each couple looked at what the other had bought. The first couple had their donuts and their grapes, and their neighbors had bought a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c5i8h/a_husband_and_wife_at_therapy/
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Isaac neutron died a virgin

I guess you could say he wasn’t very attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c5gey/isaac_neutron_died_a_virgin/
%
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale sucking on his big fat belly

"Steven, that won't help you, you know?"
"Oh it helps A LOT." The man says. "It's the only way I can see the numbers on the thing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c5dmw/a_woman_caught_her_husband_on_the_weight_scale/
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I was trying to negotiate with my Wife on having sex the other night...

She replied, "Well what's in it for me?"
To which I responded,"My penis".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c59vp/i_was_trying_to_negotiate_with_my_wife_on_having/
%
I went to a Buddhist food truck

Me: Make me one with everything!
Them: The one shall always be of many. That will be $12.50
I hand them $20 and I don't get change back.
Me: Uh... Where's my change?
Them: Change comes from within

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c59fl/i_went_to_a_buddhist_food_truck/
%
I dialed the rape hotline

It turns out they only help victims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c58bd/i_dialed_the_rape_hotline/
%
If George Washington were alive today, what would he be famous for?

Old age!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c51pc/if_george_washington_were_alive_today_what_would/
%
I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in my town...

So I entered my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4yul/i_saw_an_ad_for_an_innuendo_competition_in_my_town/
%
Why do bananas have bruises?

Because their peelings got hurt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4xtj/why_do_bananas_have_bruises/
%
I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker...

But when I got home, all the signs were there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4wz2/i_never_wanted_to_believe_my_dad_was_stealing/
%
My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats.

I said that I’ll date who I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4wl5/my_doctor_told_me_to_stay_away_from_trans_fats/
%
My gf's soccer team won 1-0

She's a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4swy/my_gfs_soccer_team_won_10/
%
If someone is vegan, atheist, and a CrossFitter, what do they tell you about first?

They tell you about Bitcoin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4sct/if_someone_is_vegan_atheist_and_a_crossfitter/
%
Kevin lost his eye as a young child, and his family was very poor.

They could not afford a glass eye, but his father loved him very much, so he whittled an eye out of wood for his son.  It looked odd, and Kevin was made fun of throughout his childhood.
In high school he was an outcast.  There was one other student who was made fun of as much as him.  Her name was Mary.  She was born with a harelip and her parents couldn't afford corrective surgery, so she always covered her mouth with her hands and had a speech impediment.  Kevin thought she was a kindred spirit and also thought she was very pretty, but he was too shy to ever say anything to her.
Kevin ended up becoming quite successful after he left school, and when it came time for his ten year high school reunion he decided to go.  Part of him wanted to show off his wealth to the kids who made fun of him, but he also hoped Mary would be there.  He promised himself that, if she was, he would ask her to dance.
The night of the reunion, he spotted her on the dance floor.  She was standing alone, obviously still shy, her hands over her mouth.  He walked over to her and said "Mary, would you like to dance?"
Her eyes lit up.  She lowered her hands, and he could see she was more beautiful than ever, with only the faintest scar on her lip from the repair of her deformed mouth.  She smiled and replied "Would I?  Would I?"
Kevin snarled "Hare lip! Hare lip!" and stormed out of the building.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4ro2/kevin_lost_his_eye_as_a_young_child_and_his/
%
There's always multiple sides to a story, unless you're at a library...

...then there's multiple stories to a side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4pea/theres_always_multiple_sides_to_a_story_unless/
%
What do you say when a lousy comedian performs on an escalator?

These jokes are bad on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4ofd/what_do_you_say_when_a_lousy_comedian_performs_on/
%
An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer:

"yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4mwd/an_american_frenchman_israeli_spaniard_and_a/
%
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4hzc/once_upon_a_time_there_were_three_kingdoms_all/
%
Jack goes to his friend Mike

and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"
As everyone is asking, Jack is fucking Mike's wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4g09/jack_goes_to_his_friend_mike/
%
Guests are coming tonight

Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."
Guest arrives
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
loud sound comes from the kitchen
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4f9n/guests_are_coming_tonight/
%
So I says to God I says, "How you so omniscient?" And God says:

"I know right?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4ejr/so_i_says_to_god_i_says_how_you_so_omniscient_and/
%
The other day I saw a black guy walking near my house carrying a laptop...

I panicked a little, thought it could be mine – so I ran home quickly. I was relieved as I saw mine was still there.
Wiping the floor.
I hope this doesn’t get banned as^you ^know ^it's ^kinda... ^^dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4e0m/the_other_day_i_saw_a_black_guy_walking_near_my/
%
The end of the world

I was out walking this morning and was passed by a guy riding a tractor on the road. As he passed me he was screaming "It's the end of the world, the end of the world I tell you"
When I got home I told my wife about him and she said it was probably Farmer Geddon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4cq0/the_end_of_the_world/
%
A husband and a wife is having issue in the bedroom

An ancient Egyptian couple are having sex. After a while, the wife becomes annoyed and tells her husband, "It's too damn hot in here! I can't come. Call the slave boy in and have him fan us".
The slave boy comes in and starts fanning, but it's no use, and the husband can barely continue anymore. The wife suggests that he switch places with the slave boy so he can take a break. They do so, and shortly after, the wife screams "PRAISE THE GODS I AM COMING!"
The husband, proud, proclaims to the slave boy, "THAT, is how you wave a fucking fan, boy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4c2d/a_husband_and_a_wife_is_having_issue_in_the/
%
Darling

An elderly couple goes to their favorite restaurant they’ve been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc.
When the lady excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments to the man, “Wow, you have an amazing relationship with your wife, all those lovely names you call her…”
The man looks at him, “To be honest, it has become a necessity. I actually forgot her name about 3 years ago.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4bz1/darling/
%
Cuddling

“I cuddle with my husband about two or three times a week.”
“Yeah? Me just once.”
“Oh, but wait, I thought you were single.”
“Ah I see. I thought we were talking about your husband.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4bo4/cuddling/
%
Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?

Ireland.
Every year it’s Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4bm0/which_countrys_capital_is_the_fastest_growing/
%
A woman works at a sperm bank

The sperm bank is about to close and she has the daily job of putting away all the samples.
A man in a ski mask walks in and holds the woman at gun point.
The gunman screams at the woman “FREEZE!”  Terrified, she puts her hands up, dropping a sample.
“Grab a sample, take off the lid and fuckin drink it! Do it, I’ll fuckin shoot!”
Trembling with fear the woman doesn’t think twice, removes the lid and drinks the sample.
The gunman removes his ski mask. The woman is in awe to realize it’s her husband. Before she can speak he says “that wasn’t so fuckin hard now was it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c4ali/a_woman_works_at_a_sperm_bank/
%
A man talks to the priest about the death of his friend

In the confessional, a man comes down and says:
- Father, did you know that Wilson died?
- How sad, son ... But what happened to him?
- He was driving his car near my house at full speed, the brakes failed and the car crashed into a pole. Wilson was launched through the windscreen, flew about 30 feet and crashed against the window of my bedroom.
- Good Lord, what a horrible way to die!
- No father, he survived. All broken up, bleeding and covered in glass, he tried to get up by holding on the knob of my very heavy wardrobe that ended up collapsing on top of him, breaking several bones of his body.
- Poor Wilson! What a terrible death!
- No father, it didn't kill him! With much effort he managed to get out of the wardrobe, crawled up to the stairs, tried to get up using the handrail, but his weight broke the railing and he collapsed down the stairs.
- My God, what a horror to die like that!
- No, father, he did not die! And tried to get up on the stove, which also could not stand his weight and fell on the poor man ... And the worst of all was that I had left a baking cake in the oven and Wilson burned himself.
- What an awful end!
- No, father, that did not kill him. He got up and ...
- Wait, my son! After all, how did he die?
- Father ... I shot him ... That's why I'm here ...
- But, my son, were you mad? Why did you shoot the poor fellow?
- Father, I had to, he was destroying my house!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c49w0/a_man_talks_to_the_priest_about_the_death_of_his/
%
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral...

So a woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c490g/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
%
Once upon a time, there was a family of bears.

One day, Mama Bear and Papa Bear decide to get a divorce, and they get a court date for custody of Baby Bear.
The judge asks Baby Bear, "Do you want to live with your mother?" to which Baby Bear replies, "No! She beats me!"
The judge then asks, "So, you want to live with your dad?" to which Baby Bear adamantly replies, "No! He beats me more than Mama!"
The judge, confused, then says, "So... who *do* you want to live with?" Baby Bear finally replies, "My Aunt Bethany, who lives in Chicago."
The judge, clearly worried about Baby Bear at this point, asks him, "And you're *sure* your aunt won't beat you too?"
Baby Bear, happy with his decision, tells the judge "No, the Chicago Bears never beat anyone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c46tc/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_family_of_bears/
%
In 12 years of marriage the husband always insisted to have sex in the pitch dark room.

After all these years while getting at it  the wife got mad and turned on the light. She saw that the man was holding a dildo in his hand and thrusting her with it. The wife got furious and  exclaimed,  'You cheat! so this is what you have been doing for the past 12 years. Explain me what did I do to deserve this ? Why did you keep me in the dark all this time?'
The man calmly replied, 'I will explain  the toys, you explain me about the kids.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c463e/in_12_years_of_marriage_the_husband_always/
%
I saw a Thai girl on the bus. I told myself, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection...”

But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c43an/i_saw_a_thai_girl_on_the_bus_i_told_myself_dont/
%
Co-worker got me good

I'm a vegetarian and my co-workers give me no end of crap for it.  Today,  my co-worker, we'll call him J, said to me: You ever drive by someone bbq-ing and it smells so good you get hungry?
Me: Well, yeah.
J: So when you drive past someone mowing their lawn, do you get hungry?
Jerk. I'm still laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c436o/coworker_got_me_good/
%
In a war torn country...

A voice calls out from behind a rock, “one U.S. marine is better than ten enemy soldiers.” The opposing commander sends ten men behind the rock. A lot of gunfire ensues, than silence. A voice calls out from behind the rock, “one U.S. marine is better than 100 enemy soldiers.” The commander sends 100 soldiers behind the rock. They hear a lot of yells, some gunshots and a few explosions, than silence. Then he hears a voice behind the rock say, “1 U.S. marine is better than 1000 enemy soldiers.” The commander sighs and sends 1000 soldiers behind the rock. He hears screams of pain and gunfire, he could’ve sworn he saw a mushroom cloud, than silence. Then he sees a legless soldier crawl around the the rock and with his dying breath he tells the commander, “it’s a trap. There’s 2 of ‘em.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3zq7/in_a_war_torn_country/
%
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says
"Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says
"OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3xiv/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
Four nuns die and arrive at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter is there and asks the first nun if she had ever touched a penis.
"Yes," she admits. "I once touched a penis with the tip of my finger."
"Dip your finger into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven," says Saint Peter. The nun dips her finger in the holy water and enters heaven.
Saint Peter asks the same question of the second nun.
"Yes," she admits. "I once touched a penis with one hand."
"Dip your hand into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven," says Saint Peter. The second nun complies and enters heaven.
At this point, the fourth nun abruptly cuts in line.
"Hang on!" she says, pointing at the third nun. "You'd better let me go next, because there's no way I'm gargling that shit after she sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3ose/four_nuns_die_and_arrive_at_the_pearly_gates/
%
I was in the library and a black guy asked me where the colour printer is,

I told him, ‘it’s 2018! You can use any printer you want’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3okv/i_was_in_the_library_and_a_black_guy_asked_me/
%
My astronomy professor told me it was possible for a white dwarf to turn into a red giant

I then told him to pull his pants back up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3l5g/my_astronomy_professor_told_me_it_was_possible/
%
Doctor hands over baby to man

“Sorry sir your wife didn’t make it.”
*hands baby back*
“Well bring me one she did make!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3jp1/doctor_hands_over_baby_to_man/
%
What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3je4/what_do_you_do_if_you_see_a_spaceman/
%
Which singer has problems casting spells?

Barry Mana Low

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3j8j/which_singer_has_problems_casting_spells/
%
What is grey, has wings and is a terrible swimmer?

A castle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3hft/what_is_grey_has_wings_and_is_a_terrible_swimmer/
%
Three men in a damaged boat wash up on a mysterious island...

The natives meet them on the shore and propose a game of life or death.
“If the combined length of your penises matches the length of our leader’s, we will mend your boat and set you free. If not, we will take you prisoner and eat you for dinner.”
The tribal leader then shows them his penis, which is 15 inches in length!
The first man pulls down his pants and he measures 7 inches.
The second man shows his penis and he’s 6 inches.
The third man does the same and he’s 2 inches.
Relieved, the three men have their boat repaired and are sent on their way. While on the ocean, the first guy says:
“You guys are lucky I have a 7 inch dick.”
The second man says:
“Yeah, well you guys are lucky I have a 6 inch dick.”
And the third man says:
“You guys are lucky I had an erection!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3fp9/three_men_in_a_damaged_boat_wash_up_on_a/
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A man walks into a bar and strolls up to the counter

Without a word he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot tall man from his jacket. The tiny man immediately starts playing a beautiful sonata.
"Thats amazing son. Where in the world did you get him from?", asked the bartender.
The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter. "I just rubbed the lamp and made a wish. Wanna try?"
The bartender eagerly nods and rubs the lamp and suddenly the bar is filled with a million ducks.
"Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks" the bartender yelled.
"Ya", the man replied "you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3fjg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_strolls_up_to_the/
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It's just as I thought, someone was adding soil to my garden!

The plot thickens!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3dlr/its_just_as_i_thought_someone_was_adding_soil_to/
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Say what you want about Facebook...

But at least it remembers your birthday when nobody else does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3cy2/say_what_you_want_about_facebook/
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Why did the blind, non-native English speaker fall in the well?

He couldn’t see that good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3crr/why_did_the_blind_nonnative_english_speaker_fall/
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I went to a womens paraplegic convention

That place was crawling with pussy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3aq8/i_went_to_a_womens_paraplegic_convention/
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I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts.

Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c3a84/i_called_the_suicide_hotline_in_iraq_i_told_the/
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A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral.

A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c37d5/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
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Say what you want about communism.

...and you'll probably get poisoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c36x0/say_what_you_want_about_communism/
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I used to date an English teacher...

...but she dumped me for inappropriate use of the colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c36pk/i_used_to_date_an_english_teacher/
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c31tj/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
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I was going to tell a cereal joke at my first stand-up gig

But it was too corny, so I flaked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c2y5h/i_was_going_to_tell_a_cereal_joke_at_my_first/
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Adam and Eve had been brainstorming with God for what felt like an eternity.

"Two dozen hours?" asked Adam.
"One seventh of a week?" suggested Eve.
God shook his head and sighed. "Let's just call it a day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c2y01/adam_and_eve_had_been_brainstorming_with_god_for/
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Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.

Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."
The second nun looks up and says,
"This one does!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c2xel/two_nuns_are_walking_down_a_dark_alley_one_night/
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How many fuckboi's does it take to change a light bulb

None. It's already lit fam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c2xbo/how_many_fuckbois_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Two brothers, John, and Bob, who lived in America and were members of the communist party, decided to emigrate to the USSR.

Even though they didn't believe the American media's negative reports on the conditions in the USSR, they decided to exercise caution. John would go to Russia to test the waters. If they were right and it was a communist paradise, than John would write a letter to Bob using black ink. If, though, the situation in the USSR was as bad as the American media liked to portray, and the KGB was a force to be feared, John would use red ink to indicate whatever he says in the letter must not be believed.
In three months John sent his first report. It was in black ink and read, "I'm so happy here! It's a beautiful country, I enjoy complete freedom, and a high standard of living. All the capitalist press wrote was lies. Everything is readily available! There is only one small thing of which there's shortage. Red ink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c2r6i/two_brothers_john_and_bob_who_lived_in_america/
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I would tell a Jim Jones joke...

But the punchline is too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c2qql/i_would_tell_a_jim_jones_joke/
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Be careful what you wish for

Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish.  He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish."
The fisherman looks around and says, "Well, we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole damn lake into beer".  *POOF* the genie grants his wish and leaves.
His partner slaps him on the chest and says, "What the hell did you do that for, now we have to piss in the boat!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c2opr/be_careful_what_you_wish_for/
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A man goes to the dentist...

A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate that had been put in earlier was corroding. "What have you been eating?" the dentists asked the man.
"All I can think of is that about three months ago my wife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much, I put it on everything now."
"That's the problem," the dentist said, frowning. "Hollandaise sauce contains lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?"
"It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c2liq/a_man_goes_to_the_dentist/
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What happens when you bang a loaf of bread

It crumbs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c2l96/what_happens_when_you_bang_a_loaf_of_bread/
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What do you call an Hispanic that's reached their level cap?

A Maxican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c2knr/what_do_you_call_an_hispanic_thats_reached_their/
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What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

Computers don't laugh at 3.5 inch floppies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c2hy8/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
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I'm dating the neighbor.

A young female tells her mother.
- "Mom I'm dating the neighbor"
- "But he could be your father"
- "Mom! Age is nothing but a number"
- "That's not what I meant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c2hn7/im_dating_the_neighbor/
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My wife asked me if I would ever answer my phone during sex...

I said "Yes, but only if it's you calling..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c2f9w/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_would_ever_answer_my_phone/
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A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito
Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.
Behind the bear in the bushes sits a hunter
The hunter thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. That bear will grab the fish and i can shoot the bear!
Behind the hunter a little mouse sees some crumbs on the hunters vest.
The mouse thinks: if that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. The bear will eat the fish and the hunter will shoot the bear. The recoil of the shoot will then make the crumbs drop off his vest and i can eat the crumbs!
behind the mouse is a cat.
The cat thinks: if that mosquito flies down a little, the fish will jump from the river, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and the mouse will go for the crumbs.
then is my chance to catch that mouse!
a little while later the mosquito flies down a little. The fish immidiatly jumps up to catch it but gets slapped out of the air by the bear. The hunter takes the shot and kills the bear, the mouse runs forward for the crumbs and the cat runs and leaps for the mouse. But the cat leaps with to much force and jumps over the mouse into the river!
What the moral of this story you ask?
The longer the foreplay the wetter the pussy
Maybe posted before. I translated it from dutch. Heared it a long time ago from my uncle ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c2d5r/a_mosquito_flies_above_a_river/
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A little boy is playing with his toy trains...

...in the living room while his mom is doing chores around the house. While cleaning, the mom overhears her son talking to his toy trains.
"Alright, you sons of bitches, we've arrived at your stop. Get your shit and get off my damn train!"
Astonished at what she'd just heard, the mother rushes over to her son and scolds him for using such harsh language and sends him to his room for a two hour time out.
Two hours later, the boy leaves his room and heads back to his toy trains in the living room while his mom is cooking supper in the kitchen. Once more, the mom overhears her son talking to his toy trains.
"We've arrived at our destination. Please gather your belongings and exit the train safely. For those boarding, climb aboard safely and put your belongings under your seats. And if any of you are pissed about the two hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c28p5/a_little_boy_is_playing_with_his_toy_trains/
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Guy walks into a brothel and says

"I will pay 50.000$ to any woman who can give me a blowjob and sing at the same time" and one woman way in the back says "I can do it but you must turn off the lights".
So the guy agrees and they go to the room where the woman turns off the lights making the room completely dark.
The woman starts to please the guy and while she's doing it the guy can hear her beautiful voice singing and quite good actually.
In the middle of this, someone walks into the room and turns on the lights.
When the guys eyes adjust, he looks around and spots a glass eye on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c27op/guy_walks_into_a_brothel_and_says/
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I wish I was in a gang...

So I would know what to do with my hands in pictures!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c275k/i_wish_i_was_in_a_gang/
%
An old man and his wife go to the doctor

The doctor says "Good morning sir, what seems to be the problem?"
The old man goes "Eh?" and holds his hand up to his ear. His wife repeats loudly "He wants to know what's wrong!"
The old man replies that he's not feeling well and the doctor says "Well we're going to have to do some tests".
Once again the old man grunts "Eh?" and his wife loudly repeats "He wants to do some tests!"
The doctor says "I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample"
"Eh?"
"He says he wants you to give him your underwear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c24i0/an_old_man_and_his_wife_go_to_the_doctor/
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Why do fish live in saltwater?

Because pepperwater makes them sneeze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c244r/why_do_fish_live_in_saltwater/
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An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years...

...He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c23ib/an_old_arab_lived_close_to_new_york_city_for_more/
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I tried being a fruitarian

, it is where you only eat things that have fallen from trees. I only lasted one day. All I ate was 3 apples and an owl. (Joe Lycett)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c21bg/i_tried_being_a_fruitarian/
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What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with cardboard?

A pillow fight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c1wrs/what_do_you_call_two_homeless_people_hitting_each/
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A blond is having money troubles...

[REPOST?]Her business is failing, her car has been repoed, and her house is in foreclosure. She sits down at night and prays to God "dear God please let me win the lottery, I will do good things and be ever so faithful." She watches the nightly lottery and no luck she didn't win. For days she continues to pray and plead to win the lottery and every night at the drawing she doesn't win. Finally on the eighth week of praying she hears the voice of god.
"My child, meet me halfway...buy a ticket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c1rzj/a_blond_is_having_money_troubles/
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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.
After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wife make love.
Begrudgingly, he submits and says yes.
After 20 minutes of love making, the woman is no closer to orgasm whilst the man is nearly finished and wants to hold out, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places until he is ready to do more. So the friend is now having sex with the woman while the man wafts the towel.
After 2 minutes the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the most intense orgasm she has ever had.
The man looks at his friend, and proudly proclaims "now that, my friend, is how you waft a fucking towel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c1q3a/a_husband_and_wife_are_having_issues_in_the/
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What do you call a blond that dyes her hair?

Artificial Intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c1ofi/what_do_you_call_a_blond_that_dyes_her_hair/
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I like my women like I like my peanut butter.

To make me swell up and then restrict my breathing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c1m8g/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_peanut_butter/
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A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.

The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c1knz/a_father_and_his_6yearold_son_are_walking_down/
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What days are the strongest?

Saturdays and Sundays. The rest are week days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c1hjq/what_days_are_the_strongest/
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How are car salesmen and rapists alike?

No matter how many times you say no, they're still gonna try to fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c1fn7/how_are_car_salesmen_and_rapists_alike/
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Three married couples want to join a church

There is a young newlywed couple, middle aged couple, and older couple. They talk to the priest, and he informs them that they have to remain abstinent for 2 months before they can join the church.
They all agree and return 2 months later to talk to the priest.
Priest asks the elderly couple if they remained abstinent? They reply that they did and it wasn't too much of an issue since they don't have sex much anyways now. Priest says, congratulations, welcome to the church.
He moves on to the middle aged couple and they reply that the first few weeks were tough, but once they got in a routine and slept a couple nights in different beds, that they were able to make it. Priest again replies, congratulations, welcome to the church.
Lastly, he goes to the newlywed couple and asks them the same question. The husband replies, we made it a couple weeks, but then one day my wife leaned over to pick up a can of paint that fell off the counter and I couldn't help myself, I just took advantage of her right there.
Priest says he's sorry to hear that and informs them that they are not welcome to the church. Husband nods in agreement and says, I know, we're not welcome to Home Depot anymore either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c1f6j/three_married_couples_want_to_join_a_church/
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What are the three words every man dreads hearing during sex?

"Honey, I'm home"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c1ebm/what_are_the_three_words_every_man_dreads_hearing/
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A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...

when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.
The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'
the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.
The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT OUT, YA WEE LITTLE SHIT!"
(Edit: credit to martinlee07 for edited punchline)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c1cy5/a_german_italian_and_irishman_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
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What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c145v/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
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Helen Keller walked into a bar

Then a table.  &nbsp;
Then a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c142q/helen_keller_walked_into_a_bar/
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I tried a stand-up routine where I shit myself on stage

But people didn't appreciate my self-defecating humour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0vp8/i_tried_a_standup_routine_where_i_shit_myself_on/
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Honeymoon Couple

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make-- I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome," went the husband.  "I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband responds, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" the wife says. The husband responds, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's the par for this hole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0ulx/honeymoon_couple/
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I like my women like I like the constant 'e'

infinite in number and at the base of my natural log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0tp0/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_the_constant_e/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0tdy/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0rzj/beer_bottle_you_break_me_you_get_1_year_of_bad/
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Why is zero equal to one?

cos 0 equals 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0r1f/why_is_zero_equal_to_one/
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I told my therapist I keep hearing voices in my head.

She told me I don't have a therapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0q0d/i_told_my_therapist_i_keep_hearing_voices_in_my/
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What did the guy who finished watching Game of Thrones say?

My watch has ended

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0ori/what_did_the_guy_who_finished_watching_game_of/
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I asked my North Korean friend what it’s like living in North Korea

He said he couldn’t complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0o9i/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_what_its_like/
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They say there's safety in numbers

Yeah, try telling that to 6 million Jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0o35/they_say_theres_safety_in_numbers/
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A weasel walks into a bar

The bartender says,
“What can I get you?”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0kcd/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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Hotdog stand

The Buddha walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "make me one with everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0edc/hotdog_stand/
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A married couple, recently married fall on hard times...

and are about to be evicted. After much debate, they agree the wife will prostitute to earn the cash they need. That evening, they set up shop on the street below their apartment. The husband wishes her luck and says he'll be across the street in the car watching for her safety. After a short while, a gentleman approaches and the man asks,
"How much for a hand job?"
The wife, having not discussed this with her husband, tells the man to hold on and runs across the street to ask. " Tell him $20." The wife returns and informs the man.
He then asks her, " How much for a blow job then?"
The wife runs back to the car and they debate briefly. They decide that a blow job would cost $50 and sex would cost $100. Feeling prepared now to answer any question, she returns to the gentleman and tells him,
"Blow jobs are $50 and sex is $100."
The man says he only has $60 so the blow job would have to do. They walk around the corner and she tells the man to lower his pants. He does and his penis is the largest she has ever seen. The man notices her apprehension and asks her, "Ma'am is everything ok?" She tells him to hang on and runs across the street again.
Seeing his wife return again to the car, her husband, feeling frustrated asks, "What in the hell did he ask for now?"
The wife frowns and replies, "He wants to know if he can borrow $40?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0ctv/a_married_couple_recently_married_fall_on_hard/
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I built the most American guitar ever

Made completely out of mirror polished, stainless steel from the World Trade Center in the shape of a bald eagle carrying a rifle.
Only has one octave, but I enjoy playing it, from C to shining C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0bzq/i_built_the_most_american_guitar_ever/
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Indiana Jones is the World's Greatest Adventurer

Indiana Jones, being the world’s greatest adventurer, got word of the most valuable treasure in the world that was buried deep within the pyramids of Egypt. Being the great treasure hunter he is, he flew out the Egypt to uncover the riches.
When he landed, he met up with the local guide he hired to give him a run of the land.
Guide: *Indiana Jones! Indiana Jones! Indiana Jones! World’s greatest adventurer Indiana Jones! Heed my* *warning, these pyramids are some of the most dangerous structures in the world! They are nothing like you* *have ever seen before! There’s booby traps, venomous snakes and spiders, intense mazes, deep abysses, and* *tons of other grave-robbers who aren’t afraid to kill you to get to the treasure! Please proceed with caution!*
Indiana scoffed at him and exclaimed: *I AM INDIANA JONES, the world’s greatest adventurer! I fear no* *challenge* *in front of me!*
His guide frantically warned him: *Indiana Jones! Indiana Jones! Indiana Jones! World’s greatest adventurer* *Indiana Jones! These pyramids increase in difficulty as you go on! You will have to take ALL the necessary* *supplies with you to survive.*
Indiana proclaims: *I AM INDIANA JONES, the world’s greatest adventurer, all I need is my trusty bull whip, and* *this one road flare for when things get hairy.*
The guide gets stern: *Indiana Jones! Indiana Jones! Indiana Jones! World’s greatest adventurer Indiana Jones!* *Do as you must but please trust me on this, you will know when to use this when the time comes, but please* *take this Robitussin with you.*
Indiana Jones was confused. He’s the world’s greatest adventurer, he’s not going to catch a cold. But he hired his guide for a reason, so he trusts his word and reluctantly takes it, and stores it in his satchel, and runs into the first pyramid.
This pyramid is just as his guide described, covered in booby traps and tons of grave robbers. It takes him nearly an hour to work his way through the maze until he finally reached the final room before the tomb chamber. The tiny room is packed with grave robbers trying to get in, he starts throwing elbows and shoving his way to the back of the room. He makes his way up to the door leading to the chamber. It’s locked by a puzzle containing hieroglyphs on a grid, he thinks about it for a second and solves the puzzle. He pushes open the door and the light exposes a the treasure room, only for him to see that its empty. All the treasure has already been looted.
He storms out of the pyramid angry, walks up to his guide and shouts: *It’s empty!! The treasure was all gone! I’m going on the next pyramid!*
His guide warns him: * Indiana Jones! Indiana Jones! Indiana Jones! World’s greatest adventurer Indiana Jones!* *Heed my warning! The second pyramid is twice as dangerous as the first! It is far riskier to go in!*
Indiana proclaims: *I AM INDIANA JONES, the world’s greatest adventurer! I fear no challenge!* and he runs into the second pyramid.
His guide was right once again, this pyramid had twice as many booby traps, far less grave robbers, and took him twice as long to get through. After about 2 hours of running through the maze, and coming close to death several times, he makes his way to the final room before the tomb chamber. The room was pitch black and all he could hear was a loud hissing noise. Fearing the worst, he lights his road flare to see a floor covered in snakes from wall to wall. He mutters to himself: *Ugh snakes. Why’d it HAVE to be snakes*. He tosses the flare into the center of the room and the snakes scatter to the walls and crawl into each crack. Relieved, he walks up to the door, where he is once again presented with a similar puzzle. He thinks about it a little longer but eventually solves it, opens the door, and once again finds an empty room.
He is furious now! He runs up to his guide and yells: *That one was empty too! This is ridiculous! I’m going to* *the 3rd pyramid!*
His guide panics: * Indiana Jones! Indiana Jones! Indiana Jones! World’s greatest adventurer Indiana Jones!* *Please listen to me! This third pyramid is the most dangerous place on Earth!!! No one has EVER come out* *alive!Please do not go in if you value your life*
Indiana, still furious but overcome with adrenaline proclaims: *I AM INDIANA JONES, THE WORLD'S GREATEST* *ADVENTURER! I fear no challenge! There is nothing that can keep me from that treasure!*
His guide tries to stop him but Indiana runs past him and into the final pyramid. There is not another person in the entire pyramid. There are four times as many booby traps and he almost died 20+ times. It takes him almost half a day to get through the pyramid. By the time he reaches the final room he is exhausted. He grabs the lit torch in the middle of the room and starts walking to the final door. He notices there’s several large sarcophaguses lining the walls. Suddenly one of them starts to shake and out bursts a mummy that starts chasing him. Indiana bolts down a hallway, making sharp turns, going left, going right but he can’t seem to lose this mummy. He comes up to a deep abyss with no bottom in sight. He pulls out his bull whip and latches it onto a branch hanging over the gap and swings across. As he lands on the other side the whip slips out of his hands and fall into the abyss, but the mummy is stuck on the other side and he is safe.
He finds his way back to the room and grabs the torch he dropped and starts to walk towards the chamber door. All of sudden the mummy’s sarcophagus comes alive and starts chasing him as well!!! He doesn’t know what to but bolts down another hallway as the coffin chases him.
He’s worn out and the sarcophagus is gaining on him, he doesn’t know what to do, he lost his flare and his whip. But in a stroke of brilliance, remembers the Robitussin.
He reaches into his bag
He grabs it
He throws it
and the Robitussin stops the coffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0bcl/indiana_jones_is_the_worlds_greatest_adventurer/
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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.
"I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed.
No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time."
Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0asi/by_the_time_a_marine_pulled_into_a_little_town/
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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.
Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0912/the_young_bride_approached_her_awaiting_husband/
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I have recently been diagnosed with colorblindness

That really came out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c07ym/i_have_recently_been_diagnosed_with_colorblindness/
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Couple’s initials carved on a tree is cute and all but

I think it’s weird how many people bring knives on a date ... in a forest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c056z/couples_initials_carved_on_a_tree_is_cute_and_all/
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An Australian walks into a bar...

He says, "ǝʇɐɯ 'ɹǝǝq ǝuo ǝʌɐɥ ll,I"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0398/an_australian_walks_into_a_bar/
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Went to a marriage counselor today, he asked me something that I have in common with my wife

Apparently "not sucking dicks" was the wrong answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c02op/went_to_a_marriage_counselor_today_he_asked_me/
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What's the difference between BDSM and Necrophilia?

About 5 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c0160/whats_the_difference_between_bdsm_and_necrophilia/
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Whispering in the lobby

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and quietly moved to another table.
After a few minutes, the girl walked to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?”
The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c00jl/whispering_in_the_lobby/
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Some idiot broke into our van last night and stole our limbo stick

How low can you go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzzhj/some_idiot_broke_into_our_van_last_night_and/
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My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really wierd way to start a conversation if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzu2r/my_dad_asked_me_the_other_day_are_you_even/
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Fun fact: if you take a man, remove all of his blood vessels and lay them out end to end...

He’ll die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bztut/fun_fact_if_you_take_a_man_remove_all_of_his/
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I was at a local bar, when a woman a few feet away from me sneezed.

Her glass eye came out, bounced once on the bar, and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you.
She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and an amazing smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me.
As she's getting ready to leave she comes up to me and asks for my number. I looked at the chair behind me... Surely she must’ve been mistaken.
I said, “Who me?”
She said “Yes, of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but, you just sort of caught my eye.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzrlz/i_was_at_a_local_bar_when_a_woman_a_few_feet_away/
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That poor skunk.

A man and his wife were driving through a blizzard and they pass a skunk freezing on the side of the road. The wife says "That poor skunk it's going to freeze to death we should save it."
"Jeez I'll never hear the end of this if we don't" the husband thinks to himself.
So they turn around and pick up the skunk and start heading home.
The wife says "Baby it's freezing what should we do?"
"Put it somewhere warm." The husband replies.
"Where?" replied the wife.
"Down your pants." says the husband.
"But what about the smell?" she says.
The husband replies "Hell I've been living with it for years a few hours won't kill it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzrey/that_poor_skunk/
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What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with tits?

Ones a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzqq8/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_stop_and/
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Moving out

About a month ago, I turned 21 and my parents said that I should consider moving out. Although they didn't directly say that I should leave, I could tell that they wanted me to move. I agreed with them. My room was too small for me anyways, so I packed my clothes, my TV, and my laptop. I finalized my plan and left two days later. It's been about a month and my new place is okay, but there is only one problem. There is no heater, so I may have to move out of the basement and go back upstairs to my room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzqmu/moving_out/
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They keep telling me to put on my seat belt to keep me safe during an accident

But don’t they know the safest place during an accident is outside the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzpss/they_keep_telling_me_to_put_on_my_seat_belt_to/
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Three tampons are walking down the street. Which one of them says hello?

None of them. They’re all stuck up c*nts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzo5v/three_tampons_are_walking_down_the_street_which/
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Having sex in a boat is like drinking shitty beer...

Both are fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzn5k/having_sex_in_a_boat_is_like_drinking_shitty_beer/
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Why do you never see an elephant hiding on top of a tree?

Because they're good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzmlk/why_do_you_never_see_an_elephant_hiding_on_top_of/
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Did you hear about the mathematicians that are afraid of negative numbers?

They’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzm7x/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematicians_that_are/
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A man walks into a bar.

Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:
Hot dog $2 Cheese burger $5 Hand job $10
He asks the waitress, "Miss are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
She winks and replies, "Why, yes I am".
He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzlx7/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A sandwich walks into a bar

The bar man says “we don’t serve food here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzl6x/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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An agile replacement.

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.
"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."
The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the doctor continues.
"Since you were unconscious, we did put a replacement in place for you. The only problem is that all we could find in such short notice was a baby elephant trunk."
The man checks it out and is satisfied with the replacement. He's released from the hospital a few days later and returns to his life.
A few weeks later he has his first date since the accident. He's having a nice conversation with his date when he hears the distinct sound of his pants zipper slowly opening. He blushes, hoping his date didn't hear the noise.
A few moment later the end of the baby elephant trunk that is his penis snakes over the edge of the table, snuffing and tapping, searching over the table cloth. His date notices and watches, eyes wide.
Suddenly, it grabs a dinner roll from his bread plate and whips back under the table.
"Was that your penis?" his date asks, her eyes wide and her cheeks flushed.
Embarrassed, he can only nod and the color rises in his cheeks.
"That was amazing," she said, "Can it do it again?"
He shrugged, "Probably, but I don't know if my asshole can take another roll."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzkm4/an_agile_replacement/
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Spoiled

A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants when the daughter notices something odd so she looks at her mom and says "Mom what's that thing hang down from the elephant?" She answers "That's his trunk" "no in the back"
" thats his tail"
"No underneath"
The mother blushes and says "Oh that's nothing"
The daughter is confused so she asks her dad.
"Dad what's that thing hanging down under the elephant?"
"Oh that's his penis"
"Why when I asked Mommy did she say it was nothing?"
"Oh, she's just spoiled"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bzc8u/spoiled/
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New Mercedes

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bz9of/new_mercedes/
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A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bz8y9/a_soldier_serving_overseas_far_from_home_was/
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Did you know if you jumble up the letters of "Postmen"

They get really angry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bz4er/did_you_know_if_you_jumble_up_the_letters_of/
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Robbers got into a bank

In the bank there were only yogurts. The robbers were angry and confused so they ate the yogurts. The asked angrily one of the people there: “What is this bank?”
The person answered: “This is the sperm bank.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bz45r/robbers_got_into_a_bank/
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I am a big fan of Innuendo...

...I like to slip it in where possible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bz2za/i_am_a_big_fan_of_innuendo/
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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8byyyj/bill_has_worked_in_a_pickle_factory_for_several/
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8byxwy/a_man_is_getting_into_the_shower_just_as_his_wife/
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Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bywum/where_do_animals_go_when_their_tails_fall_off/
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I'm replacing my heart with another liver.

So I can drink more, and care less

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8byu8b/im_replacing_my_heart_with_another_liver/
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Why do I have a step ladder?

Because I never knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bytxl/why_do_i_have_a_step_ladder/
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An 80y/o bloke goes to the doctor for his regular checkup.

Doc: "How are you feeling then Mr Tabernackle?" Mr Tabernackle: 'I feel amazing. I just hit a 90 on 18 holes at the club, went for a great swim and my 21 year old wife is pregnant!' Doc: "That's incredible!" Mr Tabernackle: 'Well you don't have to be so astounded. I may be 80 but I keep myself in good shape.' Doc: "No, I mean an incredible coincidence. Just this morning I had a 90 year old patient feeling similarly healthy and happy! Ten years older than you! Just this morning he was jogging down by the river and spotted a beaver on the other side. He used to be a hunter but no longer had a rifle so he pointed his finger at it and said bang, bang. And amazingly the beaver just dropped dead right there!" Mr Tabernackle: 'Well doc, just between you and me I reckon maybe someone else put a couple of rounds into that beaver at just the right time.' Doc: "My point precicely."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8byryl/an_80yo_bloke_goes_to_the_doctor_for_his_regular/
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Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8byqrq/fred_and_mary_got_married_but_cant_afford_a/
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Up or Down?

My widowed grandmother was in a retirement home, situated on a nice gentle river.  The retirement home had little rowboats for the residents to go out on the river.  One evening, another of the residents, a widower, asked her if she would like to accompany him on a boat ride.  She readily accepted.
They rowed out a little ways when the old man looked at her, looked upstream, looked downstream, and said, “Up or down?”.
“Pardon?” she replied.
“Up or down?” he said, a little louder.
Again her reply was “Pardon?”
“Up or down; UP or DOWN?” he asked.
She looked at him for a while and then finally took off all her clothes, laid on the bottom of the boat, and pulled him toward her.  He obligingly made love to her.  When they were done, they returned to the shore and retired to their rooms for the night.
A couple days later, the man again approached her and asked her if she would like to go for another boat ride.  Again, she accepted.
They rowed out a little ways when the old man looked at her, looked upstream, looked downstream, and said, “Up or down?”.
“Pardon?” she replied.
“Up or down?” he said, a little louder.  Having replaced the batteries in her hearing aid, she adjusted the volume.
Again her reply was “Pardon?”
“Up or down; UP OR DOWN?” he asked.
She looked at him and said, “Is that what you asked last week?  I thought you said FUCK or DROWN!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bypk7/up_or_down/
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Cold Water

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country.
On the first morning of the visit, John's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandpa replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.
Just go ahead and finish your meal."
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. "Are you sure these plates are clean?" he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!"
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.
John said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me get by!"
Grandpa yelled to the dog, "Cold Water, go lie down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8byp5l/cold_water/
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My friend asked me why i never post to r/Jokes

I told him that my control key doesn't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bynsl/my_friend_asked_me_why_i_never_post_to_rjokes/
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Ugliness has one advantage over beauty

It's permanent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bynpv/ugliness_has_one_advantage_over_beauty/
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What do you call a ship shaking at the bottom of the ocean?

A nervous wreck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bynnl/what_do_you_call_a_ship_shaking_at_the_bottom_of/
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An Australian farmer walks out of a barn with two sheep under his arms

The farmer’s assistant says “ya shearin’?”
He replies “Nah, I’m gonna fuck em both myself”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bymnj/an_australian_farmer_walks_out_of_a_barn_with_two/
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Every year, kids are being shipped off to mime school...

Never to be heard  from again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bym73/every_year_kids_are_being_shipped_off_to_mime/
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What do you call someone that eats fish but not meat?

A lesbian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bylmz/what_do_you_call_someone_that_eats_fish_but_not/
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you know why i hate campers?

their always fucking intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8byl2g/you_know_why_i_hate_campers/
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Two deers walk out of a gay bar..

One says to the other, "Dude, I can't believe I blew 20 bucks in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8byk5e/two_deers_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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War isn't about about who's right...

It's about who's left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8byk1n/war_isnt_about_about_whos_right/
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Pretty or ugly?

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8byim1/pretty_or_ugly/
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Jesus and Peter are getting a little bored

[NSFW] Jesus and Peter are getting a little bored up in heaven, so they decide to head on down to earth for a little fun.  The get dressed in their gladrags (Peter points out to Jesus his boots aren't so stylish these days) and head off to a club.  So they don't cramp each other's style, the separate, and arrange to meet at a wee spot they know.
Next morning they rendezvous, and Jesus asks Peter how things went - "Awesome man - I was putting some moves on the dance floor, met this girl, had a few drinks, walked her home, she invites me in for "coffee" - we end up in bed, absolute heaven - I /was/ "The Rock".  How was it for you?"
"Bloody Awful" said Jesus.  "Same as you, on the floor, making the moves, met a lass, walked her home - and then the old problem"
"Old problem?"
"Aye we were in bed, I tried a little foreplay, put my hand on it - bloody thing healed up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8byhmv/jesus_and_peter_are_getting_a_little_bored/
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3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8byepb/3_guys_are_on_a_boat_and_they_have_4_cigarettes/
%
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted...

...a night in, shining armor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bydfs/last_night_i_gave_my_girlfriend_a_medieval_battle/
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When my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I was older, I said, "a postman". They laughed and said I should have more ambition, but now I'm 33 and work at FedEx.

OP delivers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8byc4h/when_my_teacher_asked_me_what_i_wanted_to_be_when/
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How many superstitious people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they light a candle because they're stuck in the dark ages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bybsy/how_many_superstitious_people_does_it_take_to/
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I spent all morning gluing watches together to make a belt...

It was a complete waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8byb8g/i_spent_all_morning_gluing_watches_together_to/
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I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.

A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bya9i/i_phoned_the_child_abuse_hotline/
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What do you call a person who lives in a toilet?

A lieutenant.
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bya6l/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_lives_in_a_toilet/
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It's Friday 13th...

Thank my lucky stars that I'm not superstitious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8by92o/its_friday_13th/
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That's quite common.

A man to his doctor, "I've got a problem with my penis. Just before I'm about to make love to my wife, she laughs at it."
He said, Don't worry that's quite common."
"Really?"
"Yes." He replied. "She laughs at everyone's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8by5fy/thats_quite_common/
%
When I was in the army, I lost my rifle and had to pay $865 for a new one

Now I’m starting to understand why navy captains always go down with their ship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8by3nh/when_i_was_in_the_army_i_lost_my_rifle_and_had_to/
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Two guys are walking home when they see a dog licking its crotch

One guy looks to the other and says "I wish I could do that." The second guy responds, "Maybe you should try petting him first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bxwt0/two_guys_are_walking_home_when_they_see_a_dog/
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C is the only good letter in the alphabet

Because all the others are Not-Cs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bxvi7/c_is_the_only_good_letter_in_the_alphabet/
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What's the difference between excess and surplus?

Excess: The part of boob which doesn't fit in your mouth.
Surplus: The other boob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bxuvo/whats_the_difference_between_excess_and_surplus/
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A visit to the doctor...

Doctor: Do you do sports?
Patient: Does sex count?
Doctor: Yes, sure.
Patient: Then no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bxr20/a_visit_to_the_doctor/
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Two kids in a sandbox.

A boy and a girl are playing in a sandbox. The girl stands up and her pants fall down.
The boy says,"What is that?" Pointing at her crotch.
The girl replies, " I dont know."
The girl heads home and asks her mom.
Her mom says, " That's your garage dont let any cars park in it."
The next day the boy and girl are playing in the sandbox and the boy stands up and his pants fall down.
The girl says, " What's that?"
They boy replies, " I dont know."
The boy goes home and asks his dad.
His dad says, " That's your car park it in as many garages as you can."
The next day they both stand up and both their pants fall down. The girl goes home covered in blood.
Her mom screams, " What happened!?"
The girl says, " A car tried to park in my garage so I ripped its rear wheels off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bxqc4/two_kids_in_a_sandbox/
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What do you do with shitty chemistry jokes?

You Barium!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bxp4d/what_do_you_do_with_shitty_chemistry_jokes/
%
How do you say "prison lingo" in one word?

Danish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bxouy/how_do_you_say_prison_lingo_in_one_word/
%
A sex offender's girlfriend left him saying that he didn't adore her body enough

Harassment nothing to him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bxoor/a_sex_offenders_girlfriend_left_him_saying_that/
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Mountains aren't funny...

they are hill areas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bxlpf/mountains_arent_funny/
%
Forget everything you learned in college...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bxcwq/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college/
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Jim and Dave are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his private parts....

"I wish i could do that" says Jim
"Give him a biscuit and he will probably let you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bxcl2/jim_and_dave_are_walking_down_the_street_when/
%
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
"That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.
She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bx9m3/while_playing_in_the_backyard_little_johnny_kills/
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A shopkeeper was dismayed when

a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!” To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!” He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bwwyg/a_shopkeeper_was_dismayed_when/
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What did Michael Cohen say when President Trump called him earlier this week?

Pardon me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bwvqa/what_did_michael_cohen_say_when_president_trump/
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What do you call a pansexual named Nick who works in CD manufacturing?

Pan Nick at the Disc Co.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bwtx0/what_do_you_call_a_pansexual_named_nick_who_works/
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What do you call a magician wearing a rainbow colored suit?

Hue-dini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bwtnr/what_do_you_call_a_magician_wearing_a_rainbow/
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A Christian couple

Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: "Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?"
Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."
“What? Why?”
"It’s all over the Bible, dearest."
"The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!"
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bwq9d/a_christian_couple/
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A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house...

He got the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bwpu4/a_friend_of_mine_just_got_divorced_he_and_his/
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I tried to remarry my ex-wife

But she figured out I was only after my money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bwpqo/i_tried_to_remarry_my_exwife/
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Part of the dog

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bwogx/part_of_the_dog/
%
My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off

So I took off her blouse.
She said, “Now off with the skirt.”
I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”
And when I did that, she said, “Now the bra and the panties.”
I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bwnum/my_step_mother_came_to_me_and_demanded_that_i/
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A small issue

A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”
Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”
Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bwmke/a_small_issue/
%
At a job interview.

Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
"Nervous?" asked the interviewer
I replied, "No, I always give 110%"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bwf11/at_a_job_interview/
%
A Scottish guy is sitting in his local pub drowning his sorrows in whisky.

He says to the barman "So you build 30 houses in the village and walk down the street do people say *'there goes McDougall the home builder'* no they don't!"
He waves for another whisky and continues "Then you save 4 children from a burning house and when you walk down the street do they say *'there goes McDougall the rescuer'* no they dont!"
Finishing that glass he says with a sigh "but you fuck one sheep......"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bw9dj/a_scottish_guy_is_sitting_in_his_local_pub/
%
I got chatting to this lumberjack the other day

He seemed like a decent feller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bw7u2/i_got_chatting_to_this_lumberjack_the_other_day/
%
What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bw7hi/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
"I'm so ugly, I only get girls because of who I am"

" A rapist"
- Rodney Dangerfield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bw736/im_so_ugly_i_only_get_girls_because_of_who_i_am/
%
how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, feminists can’t change anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bw6ot/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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There are two potatoes standing on the sidewalk. How do you know which one is the prostitute?

The one with the sticker Idaho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bw5v3/there_are_two_potatoes_standing_on_the_sidewalk/
%
People often say ‘icy’ is the easiest word to spell, and after looking at it...

I see why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bw5t8/people_often_say_icy_is_the_easiest_word_to_spell/
%
What do you call a girl who hops around from guy to guy at a construction company?

Jack off all trades

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bw5fl/what_do_you_call_a_girl_who_hops_around_from_guy/
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God’s Gift

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
“No”, she replies sleepily.
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bw2jp/gods_gift/
%
Betty and Martha are standing outside the nursing home having a smoke

when it starts to rain. Martha curses and starts trying to shelter her cigarette when Betty calmly reaches into her bag, pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She snips the end off the condom,  slides it over her cigarette and keeps smoking like nothing is wrong.
Martha looks at her questioningly and asks "Whats that you got there Betty?" Betty replies "It's called a condom! Wonderful thing. You cut the end off them and they slip right over your cigarette and stops them getting wet when it rains. I got it from the chemist down the street."
So, next day, Martha makes her way down to the chemist, walks up to the pharmacist and exclaims "I would like a box of condoms please." The pharmacist, a little taken aback but keeping a professional front asks "What brand would you like madam? We have a few to choose from."
Martha replies "Oh, I don't mind dear, as long as it'll fit a Camel "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bw0t8/betty_and_martha_are_standing_outside_the_nursing/
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I just told some guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up.

Everyone started applauding me, so I told them to shut the fuck up, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bvz6u/i_just_told_some_guy_talking_on_his_phone_in_the/
%
At the sister’s

“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?”
“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!”
“So? Maybe she was.”
“Yeah, no way. I was at her sister’s the whole night!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bvxw4/at_the_sisters/
%
A school hires a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college.

On her first day, an official from the town's Board of Education decides to sit in her class to observe and takes a seat next to Little Johnny. As the class progresses, the teacher proceeds to write a sentence in Spanish on the board. Midway however, the chalk breaks in half and falls to the floor, so she bends down to pick it up. As she picks up the chalk and straightens back up, she finishes writing the sentence.
"Now class," says the teacher, "who can translate the sentence I just wrote?"
Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Yes, Johhny."
Little Johnny blurts out, "if the skirt was a bit shorter, I'd jam it in that tight ass."
Naturally flustered, the teacher yells out, "Johnny! That is disgusting and very rude! Get out of my class right now!"
As Little Johnny is packing his things, he hits the official on the head with his Spanish textbook and says. "And you Mister, if you don't know your shit, keep your fucking mouth shut!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bvv3w/a_school_hires_a_new_spanish_teacher_fresh_out_of/
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After 40 years of marriage . . .

After their wedding, the bride put a hinged box on the bedside table, and told her husband never to open it and check to see what is inside of it.  They go about their marriage and the husband obliges.
So forty years passed and the husband impatiently and finally opened the box and found three empty bottles of beer and $14,000 in cash.
During that evening's dinner, he tells his wife, "Darling, I have to admit that I opened the box today. Would you explain why there are 3 bottles?
His wife responded, "You see that whenever I cheated on you, I emptied a bottle of beer and put it in a box."
The husband gives it pause and says, "Well, three times isn't much in the past 40 years.  So why do you keep the $14,000 there?
The wife then replied, "Well, when the bottles no longer fit in the box, I returned them and got back the deposit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bvsje/after_40_years_of_marriage/
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what is it called when you kill your friend

homiecide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bvp3r/what_is_it_called_when_you_kill_your_friend/
%
The real threat

Police officer: “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?”
Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to…”
Police officer: “But why report it now?”
Guy: “I think the thief’s wife got hold of it now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bvjce/the_real_threat/
%
Literally the guy you asked for

A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.”
Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. “Dear Amy,” he says, “I have no arms so I couldn’t even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can’t run away on you. I’m your guy.”
“That’s very nice,” says Amy, surprised, “but how will you be able to satisfy me?”
His smile widens, “You did hear the knocking, didn’t you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bviua/literally_the_guy_you_asked_for/
%
I got in trouble for using performance enhancing drugs

I took a placebo before my psychology exam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bvind/i_got_in_trouble_for_using_performance_enhancing/
%
What do pigs use when they get hurt?

Oink-ment
(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bvhta/what_do_pigs_use_when_they_get_hurt/
%
Cougars are hot.

But it's a dry heat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bvf0q/cougars_are_hot/
%
How do you program global warming?

using an Al-Gore-ithm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bvadg/how_do_you_program_global_warming/
%
Little Mikey

A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, “Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?”
-
The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, “That’s intercourse, my boy.”
-
“OK,” nods Mikey and off he goes.
-
He comes back after five minutes and says, “Grandpa, that’s not right. I’ve just spoken to mom and she said that it’s not called intercourse but a bunk bed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bva53/little_mikey/
%
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
edit 2: ez 3x gold wtf LOL 😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bv8qp/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for/
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What's the difference between schools and prisons?

The government funds prisons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bv8po/whats_the_difference_between_schools_and_prisons/
%
The Test

A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bv8hb/the_test/
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A husband is admitted to the hospital...

He has fallen very ill and his future is unsure. He says to his wife, "honey, if I die, I think you should marry Hank from down the street."
"Hank?" the wife questions, "I thought you hated him?"
With his last breath the husband replies "I do"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bv68s/a_husband_is_admitted_to_the_hospital/
%
What type of engine listens the best?

An engineer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bv2xo/what_type_of_engine_listens_the_best/
%
Girls treat me like God

They mostly forget I exist until they need help from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bv2ky/girls_treat_me_like_god/
%
Most of the time

, when you cry, no one notices your tears.
Most of the time, when you hurt, no one notices your pain.
Most of the time, you hold it in, and no one feels the ache.
Most of the time.
Until you fart loudly in public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bv1wc/most_of_the_time/
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A fat guy and a thin guy meet

Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”
Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8buzuj/a_fat_guy_and_a_thin_guy_meet/
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A threat

An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife. No pressure, seriously."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8buzgg/a_threat/
%
Machine diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8buz34/machine_diagnosis/
%
Why was the French chef so depressed?

He lost his huile d'olive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8buyzu/why_was_the_french_chef_so_depressed/
%
A hysterical man calls a hospital

"Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8buyz3/a_hysterical_man_calls_a_hospital/
%
Daring strategy

After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a great dating strategy. I’ll pretend to be gay. I’m going to make tons of chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when they haven’t got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!
I’ll get their boyfriends!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8buyh8/daring_strategy/
%
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...

...sadly she didn't fall for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bupbv/as_an_april_fools_joke_i_told_my_so_that_i_was/
%
A man calls his wife’s doctor trying to get her test results.

A man calls his wife’s doctor trying to get test results after her health started to decline.
Husband: “So doctor, what are the results?”
Doctor: “well, I got some paperwork mixed up. She’s either positive for AIDS, or she’s positive for Alzheimer’s”
The man is now very worried.
Husband: “Doctor that’s terrible! But what should we do? Which one is it?”
Doctor: “Well, drive her a couple miles away from the house and drop her off. If she comes back, don’t fuck her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bup4r/a_man_calls_his_wifes_doctor_trying_to_get_her/
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(Dick Joke) Before showing his doctor what his problem was, Bob asked him if he had ever laughed out loud at one of his patients...

The doc assures Bob that during his 20 plus years in practice he has never laughed out loud at one of his patients.
Relieved by the doctor's response Bob drops his pants, and reveals the tiniest dick the doc had ever seen.  (It was no bigger than a AAA battery.)
The doc burst into uncontrollable laughter and needs a minute to gather himself, and says: "I'm very sorry.  I don't know what's gotten into me.  This will never happen again.  So what seems to be the problem?"
BOB:  "It's swollen!"
**********
Just sharing an old dick joke that I can't remember where I heard from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bun0r/dick_joke_before_showing_his_doctor_what_his/
%
What was the last dinosaur to become extinct?

The Toys R Us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8buel3/what_was_the_last_dinosaur_to_become_extinct/
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A boss wanted to fuck his secretary

He calls her secretary and tells her that he wants to have sex with her, right here, in the office.
She denies by saying "it's not possible, somebody would notice them"
But the boss says "nobody will look. I'll make it quick" he says "i'll drop $500 to the floor and by the time she pick it he would be finished"
She says she'll tell him tomorrow.
After office, she goes back to her boyfriend and tells him whatever his boss told her.
He says " it's an amazing offer. Do as he says and try to be quick in picking the money. Also, tell him $500 is a little less and that you would do it for $1000"
She agrees.
Next day.
She tells her that $500 is a little less but she'd do it for $1000.
After office she comes crying to her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asks "what happened ?"
She says "that bastard, used $1 coins !!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bubsk/a_boss_wanted_to_fuck_his_secretary/
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What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

“You are too young to start smoking”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bubpa/what_did_the_big_chimney_say_to_the_little_chimney/
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A Hippie was walking along the beach line when he kicked a bottle.

Suddenly a genie burst forth and yelled,
"YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM MY 1000 YEAR PRISON, WHAT DO YOU DESIRE? I WILL GIVE YOU THREE WISHES!"
The Hippie looks at the genie and says, "Cool man. I want too be Uptight, Out of sight, and in the groove."
So the genie turns him into a tampon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8buat2/a_hippie_was_walking_along_the_beach_line_when_he/
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What’s the least popular party game in the Midwest?

Twister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bu9vk/whats_the_least_popular_party_game_in_the_midwest/
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A robbery

Late one night a robber stops a well dressed man and sticks a gun in his ribs.
“Give me your money,” the robber demanded.
“You can’t do this, I’m a US congressman!” The man replies.
The robber smiles, “Well, in that case, give me MY money!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bu8on/a_robbery/
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A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.

At this point, you must understand two things:
1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.
Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bu4ow/a_number_of_years_ago_the_seattle_symphony_was/
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A man is given a job at the railroad

However he has no experience with trains. On his very first day he kills 200 senior citizens going around the curve at 600 miles per hour. This is all happening in Texas, and so he is sentenced to death. For his last meal he has 13 Bananas, which he eats peels and all. When they turn on the electric chair however, he survives just fine. Now in Texas there exists an odd law that if an execution fails, the criminal is set free. So he is set free.
He finds another job at another railroad, and this time he kills 23 orphans going around the bend at 400 miles per hour. He is again arrested and again sentenced to death. For his last meal he has 9 bananas, which he again eats peels and all. This time they leave the chair on for 5 minutes, just to make sure, but he still survives. So he is released again.
He again gets a job at the railroad, having gotten very good at forging documents. This time he ends up killing 3,976 puppies and 456 Nobel Peace Prize winners at 900 miles per hour. Again they arrest him and sentence him to death. However this time they wise up and refuse to give him bananas for his last meal. Despite this he survives yet again, despite being in the chair for a full hour this time. Distraught the police ask him how he has survived for so long.
"I don't know," he says "I guess I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bu0ig/a_man_is_given_a_job_at_the_railroad/
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I used to be a Satanist

I don't know what possessed me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8btyzu/i_used_to_be_a_satanist/
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A cricket is in love with a mantis

but he's terrified, because he keeps hearing that a mantis will eat the male after sex. Nevertheless, one night the cricket gets really drunk and propositions the mantis. The two have amazing sex all night long, but in the morning the cricket comes to his senses and starts eyeing the mantis warily.
"What's wrong?" asks the mantis.
"Well, I don't want to make this weird, but are you going to try to eat me?"
"Oh, don't worry, only the females do that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8btxuv/a_cricket_is_in_love_with_a_mantis/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

I can't afford one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8btxri/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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What do girls and rocks have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8btszx/what_do_girls_and_rocks_have_in_common/
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Little steve had a school homework. He had to go home and ask a family member for an unusual color

He went home after school and went to his mum: “Mom, I need your help for school, can you tell me an unusual color please?”
To which his mother answers: “Let’s see... purple plum”
“Thanks mum I think that is good.”
The next day, steve gets to school and his classmates start saying the colors they chose. “Cyan-blue” says one. “Lime green” says another. Steve was the last to present his ‘purple plum’ and just before him was a black boy, josh.
“So, Josh what color did you bring for us today?” Asks the teacher.
“Purple plum” he says.
“Very well, what about you steve?”
“Black motherfucker!”
(PS- no racism intended, obviously)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8btsgq/little_steve_had_a_school_homework_he_had_to_go/
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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak........

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8btrkh/a_man_went_to_the_police_station_wishing_to_speak/
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Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a book?

Because he keeps repeating Chapter 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8btq2a/why_hasnt_donald_trump_ever_finished_a_book/
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Scientists have now made cybernetic limbs available to the public!

Unfortunately, they'll cost you an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8btp0m/scientists_have_now_made_cybernetic_limbs/
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A British judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off.

A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing.
"I just heard the funniest joke in the world!"
"Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge.
"I can't – I just gave someone ten years for it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8btly8/a_british_judge_walks_out_of_his_chambers/
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R.I.P. Boiling Water

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8btews/rip_boiling_water/
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Lenin headed directly to Heaven after he died.

He thought he had done much good for the oppressed and deserved retirement in Heaven. He arrived at the gates.
"Who's there?"
"Vladimir Ilyich Lenin."
"Okay, okay! Last one in be sure to close the door. It's kind of cold in here..."
God checked Lenin's dossier and decided to send him to the most suitable place: Hell.
A short time after Lenin's resettlement to Hell, Satan snapped and stormed God's office.
"Almighty, pray hear my complaint! Hell is no longer functional. Lenin and his party nationalized the boilers, the furnaces... the whole of Hell. Sinners and devils spend time in interminable Party meetings. In whatever time is left, they all gather in a huge choir. Women are always in front, men in the back rows. Everything must be absolutely politically correct. They rehearse The Internationale and other revolutionary songs, every day and every night. The electricity bill alone, Almighty God, will bankrupt You. Right now, Your Law is not observed: Nobody suffers, nobody is tortured. Pray, Almighty God, take Lenin back to Paradise!"
Lenin returned to Paradise.
A short time after Lenin's transfer to Paradise, Satan snapped and stormed God's office.
"Lord, pray hear my complaint! Hell is no longer functional. The sinners and devils want Lenin back. The sinners and devils together declared a general strike. They threaten to have a Revolution. Pray, God, deport Lenin to Hell!"
"Listen up, comrade Satan! First of all, God does not exist..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8btetw/lenin_headed_directly_to_heaven_after_he_died/
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The key to pronouncing a word in French

...is to try to say it the way it's written, and then surrender halfway through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8btd5s/the_key_to_pronouncing_a_word_in_french/
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The Hypnotist At The Senior Citizens Center

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time
for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat
pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
**"SHIT"** said Claude
It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens' Center.
Claude was never invited back again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8btcce/the_hypnotist_at_the_senior_citizens_center/
%
I once met a girl with a tattoo of a conch on her inner thigh

When I put my ear to it I could smell the sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8btbvr/i_once_met_a_girl_with_a_tattoo_of_a_conch_on_her/
%
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bt9nf/dad_is_listening_to_his_daughter_say_her_prayers/
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How does Darth Vader like his toast?

On the dark side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bt8to/how_does_darth_vader_like_his_toast/
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What did the man with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.
Just kidding, he hasn't opened his present yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bt6sa/what_did_the_man_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
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Long It is an ancient scene...

It is an ancient scene. A mob is chasing a thief down a road and they are going to stone him to death. He runs, turns down an alley and it is a dead end with one door at the end. He runs to the door but it is locked, so he bangs on the door but there is no answer. The crowd converges on him. Suddenly the door open and Jesus steps out and the crowd hushes and back away. He says, 'If anyone here has not sinned, let them cast the first stone!' The crowd stands in stunned silence. Suddenly a little old lady steps out of the crowd, throws a stone at the thief. It hits him in the head and he goes down bleeding. Jesus turns to the old woman and says, 'You know ma, sometimes you just piss me off.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bt621/long_it_is_an_ancient_scene/
%
Three guys go on a skiing trip together and are forced to share a room with a single bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, "Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job."
The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and says that he's had the same dream, too.
The guy in the middle says, "Wow that's funny, I dreamed I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bt5u4/three_guys_go_on_a_skiing_trip_together_and_are/
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Why was the mermaid wearing sea shells?

Her boobs were too big for B shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bt4zk/why_was_the_mermaid_wearing_sea_shells/
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I dumped my girlfriend in a restaurant

She started crying and people thought I was proposing so everyone clapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bt4rh/i_dumped_my_girlfriend_in_a_restaurant/
%
What kind of bees produce milk?

Boobies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bt4e5/what_kind_of_bees_produce_milk/
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger has decided what he will be for Halloween this year

He’ll be Bach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bszdt/arnold_schwarzenegger_has_decided_what_he_will_be/
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What's the difference between Los Angeles and Kim Kardashian?

One is a dirty, washed-up place many great men have visited. The other one is a city in California.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bswih/whats_the_difference_between_los_angeles_and_kim/
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A drunk guy walks up to a cop outside of a bar

Drunk guy: "Officer  I seem to have lost my car!"
Officer: "Where did you last have it?"
Drunk guy "It was right here on the end of this key! *holds up car key*"
Officer: Okay, Okay, you should take yourself downtown and they'll get started on all the paperwork.  But buddy, you might want to zip up your pants before you get in there"
Drunk guy: *looks down* "damn it, I lost my girl too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bsuui/a_drunk_guy_walks_up_to_a_cop_outside_of_a_bar/
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A father just had his first son...

"I'm going to give him everything he desires" the father said as he saw his newborn son.
As soon as the son started speaking, "Son what do you wish for?" The son replied..."ping pong balls" , the father wanting to keep his promise bought him that.
The child grew and was a brilliant kid...during his parent-teacher meeting all teachers praised him, so the father turned to his son and asked "Son what do you wish for?" The son replied..."ping pong balls" , the father asked "you're sure?" "Yes!" the kid said, and his father bought him that.
The child grew some more and graduated from medical school, his father was there at his graduation and really proud the father asked "Son what do you wish for?" The son replied..."ping pong balls" , the father replied "but son what could you possibly do with ping pong balls? Let me get you a nice car!" The child said "No, I want the ping pong balls!" And so the father bought the ping pong balls.
The kid went on to become the top surgeon of his country, showered with praise for his achievements by others more senior and experienced than him. The father decided he'll take an overdraft and buy whatever his son desired....and his son said...."do not worry father, I can buy all.i want in life, but if you insist please get me ping pong balls..." Dumbstruck the father didn't know what to say.... seeing this the son said " just ping pong balls dont worry father" and so the father bought him the ping pong balls.
Time passed and his father was on the verge of leaving this world, he called all his loved ones around him and his son was the first one and closest to him near his bedside...
The father turned to his son " son please, can you tell me why after offering everything this world has to offer, you always wanted ping pong balls?!"
The son understanding this last request said "Father, I always asked for ping pong balls because...."
And his father died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bsugr/a_father_just_had_his_first_son/
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A girl takes a black guy to bed

"Let's see if true what they say about black guys" she said.
So he took her purse and ran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bss0k/a_girl_takes_a_black_guy_to_bed/
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I dreamed I was broke

And when I woke up my dreams came true.
Never give up on your dreams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bsqnj/i_dreamed_i_was_broke/
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What do you call a tire made out of 365 recycled condoms?

A Goodyear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bsngl/what_do_you_call_a_tire_made_out_of_365_recycled/
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A new teacher started her psychology class by saying,.......

A new teacher started her psychology class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bsn7d/a_new_teacher_started_her_psychology_class_by/
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Why did Sauron rebuild his tower?

It needed more door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bslr7/why_did_sauron_rebuild_his_tower/
%
I took my dad to one of them spas where the fish eat your dead skin.

It was £30 but cheaper than a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bskdk/i_took_my_dad_to_one_of_them_spas_where_the_fish/
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What did Han Solo say to the Keebler elf who complained he couldn't understand Chewbacca?

Sorry friend, that's the way the Wookiee mumbles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bseqr/what_did_han_solo_say_to_the_keebler_elf_who/
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My son asked me what I post to reddit.

I told him that the posts I make /r/dadjokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bsc1v/my_son_asked_me_what_i_post_to_reddit/
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I was sick of my alarm clock so I bought a rooster...

But now I'm starting to think I got a gay rooster. Instead of saying "cock-a-doodle-doo" in the morning, he says "any-cockle-doo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bsbl7/i_was_sick_of_my_alarm_clock_so_i_bought_a_rooster/
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A German walks into a library and asks for a book on war...

The Librarian says, "Fuck off, you lost the last 2 you had"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bsano/a_german_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book/
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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bs3up/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
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Men will be Men.

Girl : Look your husband is talking to a pretty female.
Wife : let him.. I want to see how long he can talk to the female with his stomach "sucked in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bs201/men_will_be_men/
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so there was a horse

(don't think ive seen this on here yet)
One day it head an ad on the radio for guitar lessons, so he looks the place up in the phone book and asks if he can get lessons. They say he can learn in under 2 weeks.
After 2 weeks the horse is an absolute pro at the guitar. one day his friend Chicken walks over and decided he wanted to play the drums with Horse. So he looks up the lessons place and they tell him the same thing, 2 weeks.
After 2 weeks they're both pros. One day they're jamming out and their friend Cow comes over. They suggest they make a band and Cow play the bass. So Cow calls the lessons place and they tell him the same thing, 2 weeks.
They start practicing and playing at local events and get really good. One day when they're playing at a pub, an agent watches them and approaches them after their performance. He tells them they're really good and offers them to go on a nationwide tour.
Fast forward a year and they are on world tour. As they're about to get onto the plane for their last destination, Horse gets a call from his home town. It's his mom. She's sick and they don't really know whats up with her. So he flies home and is going to meet back up with the band since their performance is in a couple days. When he gets to the hospital his mom just ends up having a bad cold. He gets another call. This time from his agent, he tells Horse that there was a terrible accident and that the plane crashed with all his band mates on it. There were no survivors.
Obviously Horse is traumatized by this and didnt want to feel that pain. So Horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bs0pi/so_there_was_a_horse/
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What is the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8brzld/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snow_man_and_a/
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[NSFW] Face down, ass up! That's the way

you die in a pool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bryct/nsfw_face_down_ass_up_thats_the_way/
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A Blonde gets a job as a handy-woman

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," "How much will you charge me?" he asks.
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been binge reading on /r/jokes lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Bentley."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8brp58/a_blonde_gets_a_job_as_a_handywoman/
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A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.

Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8brofn/a_sergeant_was_addressing_a_squad_of_25_and_said/
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Little Nancy, 8, was filling a hole in her garden when

the nosey neighbor peered over the fence, and asked "What are you doing?"
Nancy replied, "Well my goldfish dies so I just buried him"
The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said in a condescending tone, "That is an awful big hole for a tiny gold fish"
As Nancy used her shovel to pat down the last heap of earth she replied, "Well he's in your cat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8brkoi/little_nancy_8_was_filling_a_hole_in_her_garden/
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A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

The husband said, "No sweetie."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8brk9j/a_husband_and_wife_were_golfing_when_suddenly_the/
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My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8briyt/my_girlfriend_just_dumped_me_for_talking_too_much/
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A priest, rabbi, and a preacher are all on a sinking ship

Rabbi: we have to get off the ship!
Preacher: we have to save the kids first!
Rabbi: fuck the kids!
Priest: do we have time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8brgxd/a_priest_rabbi_and_a_preacher_are_all_on_a/
%
Ass to mouth is not the answer

to the question "How do you give CPR?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8brgwn/ass_to_mouth_is_not_the_answer/
%
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*

"Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers"
"I have printed out all of your Internet histories"
"This meeting is over...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8brgkw/zuckerberg_sits_in_front_of_congress/
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Why do some people treat reddit like google?

Also, what is the deepest spot in the ocean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8brf5s/why_do_some_people_treat_reddit_like_google/
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What do you call an Italian hooker?

A Pasta-tute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8brenm/what_do_you_call_an_italian_hooker/
%
What does women and hurricanes have in common?

They are wet and wild when they come, but they take both your car and your house when they leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8br9uo/what_does_women_and_hurricanes_have_in_common/
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Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8br5p8/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
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[NSFW][Long] Little Johnny grew up afraid of women

His mother told him from an early age that women were dangerous, and that if he went anywhere near their private parts he would get hurt, because there were teeth in there, and they would bite him.
So years and years of Johnny avoiding women went by until one day, he was with a nice girl that he'd known for a while, and his urges were getting the best of him.
They went back to her place and things were starting to heat up.
"What's the matter Johnny? Have you never been with a woman before?" She asked.
"No," Johnny said shyly. "My mom told me there were teeth in there and they would bite me if I got too close and I've just never had the courage."
"Well, that's a load of bullshit," she said.  "How about this?  I'll take my panties off and let you take a look to make sure it's safe.  How about that?"
"You'd do that for me?", Johnny asked.
So as promised, she exposed herself and let Johnny poke around down there for a good while.
When Johnny finally surfaced he had a quizzical, if not disgusted look on his face.
"No wonder there's no teeth down there, the fucking gums are all rotten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8br37p/nsfwlong_little_johnny_grew_up_afraid_of_women/
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My doctor told me I was suffering from Auto Correct Syndrome.

I didn’t even know I was I'll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bqztx/my_doctor_told_me_i_was_suffering_from_auto/
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How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Russian leaders don’t last as long as light bulbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bqvd7/how_many_russian_leaders_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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If I got added to the ISS

It would be ISIS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bqv5g/if_i_got_added_to_the_iss/
%
A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.
"What are they?"
"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."
"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.
"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."
The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bqt6a/a_guy_is_in_a_doctors_office_his_doctor_is_there/
%
Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one'........

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bqrty/just_changed_my_facebook_name_to_no_one/
%
British food, British weather and British culture.

And thus a great colonial empire of sailors was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bqozw/british_food_british_weather_and_british_culture/
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I was told I was just like a Greek statue

I was happy until they clarified that they meant I am pale as fuck and have a small dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bqk9v/i_was_told_i_was_just_like_a_greek_statue/
%
So there's this Nun standing outside this bar right...

... and a man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work beer. The nun immediately looks to him, and says:
"Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!"
The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless 'em. They're dead, in heaven."
"Well," says the nun, "Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!"
"What? What are you talking about?" the man asks. "Have you ever had a drink?" The nun says she has not. "Then how can you talk to me about alcohol? I'll tell you what I'll do," he continues, "I'll buy you a drink, and after you've drunk it, then you can talk to me about alcohol. What'll you have?"
"I don't know," says the nun. "What do ladies usually drink?"
"Gin," he replies.
"Oh, alright," she says. "But - but can you put it in a cup, so nobody notices." The man nods and walks into the bar, calling out to the bartender.
"Bartender! I'll have a beer, and a double gin in a cup!"
"It's that f**king nun outside again, isn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bqk3h/so_theres_this_nun_standing_outside_this_bar_right/
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A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican...

So there's a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican. They find a genie's lamp, they rub it, and poof appears the genie! The genie goes to the black guy and asks, "What's your one wish?" The black guy goes, "I wish for me and all my people to be back in Africa, happy and everything." So poof! His wish is granted. Then, the genie goes to the Mexican and asks, "What's your one wish?" The Mexican goes, "I wish for me and all my people to be in Mexico, happy and everything." So poof! His wish is granted. Now, the genie goes over to the white guy and asks, "What's your one wish?" and the white guy asks, "You mean to tell me that all the black and Mexican people are out of America?" The genie replies, "Yes." So the white guy goes, "Then I'll have a Coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bqhmk/a_black_guy_a_white_guy_and_a_mexican/
%
What was Hitler's favourite food?

Nazi goreng

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bqhcv/what_was_hitlers_favourite_food/
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What’s hitlers favorite kind of weather

Hail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bqggm/whats_hitlers_favorite_kind_of_weather/
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Do you ever wonder why so many lesbians have short hair?

It's because they get excited about scissors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bqe11/do_you_ever_wonder_why_so_many_lesbians_have/
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Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"

The man smiled and kissed his wife. "You'll know tonight," he whispered.
That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.
It contained a book entitled, 'The Meaning of Dreams'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bqcq5/upon_waking_a_woman_said_to_her_husband_i_just/
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A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them:
"Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."
And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her
"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she does what she's told.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
"Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bq91z/a_bus_full_of_nuns_falls_off_a_cliff_and_they_all/
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Old Man Crying

An elderly man of 78 years was sitting on a bench crying
A man walking by stopped to ask what was wrong.
"Well, I just married the most beautiful woman ever, Nice, young, and curvy in all the right places!" Said the old man.
"Then why cry?" asked the passer by
The old man sighed, "I forgot where I live"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bq88e/old_man_crying/
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What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing, you can’t cross a vector and a scalar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bq7nq/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mosquito_with_a/
%
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bq6zg/by_law_you_are_required_to_turn_on_your/
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Why did the doctor recommend that 7 eat 9?

Because he recommends 3 squared meals per day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bq5x5/why_did_the_doctor_recommend_that_7_eat_9/
%
Son asks his father

"Dad, what is gay?"
"Gay means happy, son"
"Dad, are you gay?"
"No, I'm married to your mother"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bq1vz/son_asks_his_father/
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I invented a new word!

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bq0jj/i_invented_a_new_word/
%
How does Donald Trump do calculus integration?

He makes sure to grab it by the +c

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpzxs/how_does_donald_trump_do_calculus_integration/
%
What is an Australian Kiss?

It's like a French Kiss, but down under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpzaf/what_is_an_australian_kiss/
%
Whenever I see lovers names carved into a tree, I don’t think that it is sweet

I’m just glad I’m not the only one who brings a knife on a date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpz8j/whenever_i_see_lovers_names_carved_into_a_tree_i/
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Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South?

Because they don't like integration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpz6g/why_dont_they_teach_calculus_in_the_deep_south/
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Women think I’m ugly until they find out how much money I have

Then they think I’m poor and ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpy9i/women_think_im_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
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A guy goes on vacation with his family

And asks his friend if he can take care of their cat.
Days into the vacation, he receivea a call from his friend, and he says:
"Hey, your cat just died..."
"Jesus, man! You just messed my vacation! How am I going to tell my kids now? And you should'nt say it like that! First, you'd call and say 'the cat climbed a tree'. Then you'd call and say 'the cat is still in the three'. Then you'd call and say the cat fell and is fighting for his life. Then you'd call and say that cat died!"
"You're right... I'm sorry, I should have done it like that"
Days later, he receives a call from his friend:
"Hey, your mother climbed a tree..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpxrk/a_guy_goes_on_vacation_with_his_family/
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TIL you need a 3.0 GPA to produce honey

You can't produce honey without Bs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpvir/til_you_need_a_30_gpa_to_produce_honey/
%
A man goes on a business trip to Japan. The night before his big meeting, he hires a prostitute.

He really seems to be having a good time, because as they do their thing, she keeps enthusiastically saying things in Japanese over and over again.
The next day, he invites the Japanese businessmen out for a game of golf after their meeting. After a nice hole-in-one, he decides to try out a phrase his prostitute used the other night to express his excitement. One of the businessmen turns to him and says, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bptht/a_man_goes_on_a_business_trip_to_japan_the_night/
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What’s the worst part about having sex with your teacher?

Realizing your homeschooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpt4c/whats_the_worst_part_about_having_sex_with_your/
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Doctor: I'm afraid you're suffering from Auto Correct Syndrome

Patient: I didn't even know I was I'll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpsb0/doctor_im_afraid_youre_suffering_from_auto/
%
A man goes on a date

A man goes on a blind date, and really starts to like the girl. He makes moves, and they return tipsy to her house, where they talk for hours. The man gets her number, and returns to her house the next night. Days turn into weeks, weeks to months, months to years and he finally feels ready to marry her. He asks the question, and she says yes, of course. The wedding went perfectly, and within a year they had a baby boy. Again, days to weeks, weeks to months and so on. On the boys graduation day, the man’s wife is getting ready to dress up. She asks him in many different dresses “is this alright”, and each time he says yes, but she disagrees. Finally, she pulls out the dress she wore to their first date. She asks: “How do I look?”.
The man responds lovingly, “with your eyes of course!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bppyp/a_man_goes_on_a_date/
%
The Time Travelling Soldier

When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was I in there for?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpnox/the_time_travelling_soldier/
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The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around

so they wanted to get rid of some of them. To go about this, they decided to offer $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body that they wanted measured. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from the top of his head to his toes. He was 69 inches, so he received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger on one arm, to the tip of his finger on the other. It was 80 inches, so he received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally it was the elderly Marine generals turn to step up for his measurement. “I want to be measured from the tip of my dick to the back end of my ball sack” he said.  The man in charge of the measurements replied, "Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?" No, said the general. "Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively. Are you absolutely sure you don’t want to reconsider?" The general said, "Just do it!" So the man dropped the general's pants and began measured his dick starting at the tip. As he reached further back for the general’s balls, he noticed they were completely missing. The man said, "Sir, you do not appear to have any balls". With a satisfied grin the marine said, "That’s right, now get on a plane to Vietnam and finish that measurement!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpmj2/the_pentagon_said_they_had_too_many_generals/
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What starts with an E, ends with an E, but often only has one letter?

An Envelope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bplyr/what_starts_with_an_e_ends_with_an_e_but_often/
%
Don't be racist...

Don't be racist.
Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpjod/dont_be_racist/
%
A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "what are you getting your wife this Christmas?"
The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes."
"Why are you getting her two gifts?"
"Well if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?"
The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?"
The poor man astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpj08/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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Why don't blind people clean up their guide dogs' poop? .

Because they can't see shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpifz/why_dont_blind_people_clean_up_their_guide_dogs/
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"Why do you keep calling David, Dave?"

"Well, it all started when he had his id stolen..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpg8x/why_do_you_keep_calling_david_dave/
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There are only two types of files. SWF and NSWF

Shockwave files and non-shockwave files

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpfpn/there_are_only_two_types_of_files_swf_and_nswf/
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If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear...

Would Greece help?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpflb/if_russia_invaded_turkey_from_the_rear/
%
An old lady and a bus driver

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some almonds. He is happy to have the nuts but he noticed that the old lady isn’t having any herself.
The driver asks, “Excuse me madam, why aren’t you eating any of he almonds?”
The old lady says, “Young man, they are too hard on my poor teeth, I can’t.”
The bus driver, confused, then asks, “Why did you by them in the first place then?”
The old lady replies, “You see, I can’t eat any of the almonds, but I sure love the chocolate they are covered in!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpf1w/an_old_lady_and_a_bus_driver/
%
NSFW A guy walks into a bar with his crocodile on a leash

He sits down on the stool and everyone hurries to the back of the bar.
"Easy people, he doesn't bite" the guy said
-"Well, it's a fucking crocodile isn't it, those fuckers bite" a bar guest says.
-"No I assure you, he doesn't bite, I bet 10$ I can put my finger in his mouth and he won't bite it off."
The barkeeper accepts the bet and the guy knocks twice on the head of the crocodile, the crocodile opens its mouth and the guy puts his finger in. He knocks again and the croc's mouth closes.
"See? No biggie?"
The guy knocks again, the croc's mouth opens and his finger is still attached.
Everyone is amazed.
The barkeeper gets 10$ out and challenges him to put his entire arm in for 50$, the guy accepts;
He knocks, the crocodile opens its mouth, guy puts his arm in, guy knocks again, crocodile opens its mouth and amazingly his arm is still attached.
Grumpily the barkeeper gets 50$ and gives it to the guy.
The guy says: "Okay, does anyone want me to do the same with my penis for 100$."
Everyone is quiet because they would hate the bloodbath which would ensue, after a full minute an old lady steps forward and says:
"Okay, but don't hit my head that hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpew6/nsfw_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_crocodile_on/
%
How long does it take a Mexican to build a...

Oh wait, he's already done!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpdaj/how_long_does_it_take_a_mexican_to_build_a/
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What would Mark Zuckerberg add to the game, if he created MineCraft?

Data.
So he can mine it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpd85/what_would_mark_zuckerberg_add_to_the_game_if_he/
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What’s the similarity between semicolons and pregnancies?

Both mean you won’t be seeing a period for a little while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bpacj/whats_the_similarity_between_semicolons_and/
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For my birthday, I got loads of smiley face stickers, which I decided to send back to everyone.

Many happy returns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bp9lj/for_my_birthday_i_got_loads_of_smiley_face/
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Two elephants see a naked man

Elephant: How is he still alive? I mean, can he even feed himself with THAT?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bp8eg/two_elephants_see_a_naked_man/
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Never try to hi-five Logan Paul

You won't be the first person he's left hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bp5d0/never_try_to_hifive_logan_paul/
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Did you hear about the Germans who got food poisoning?

It was the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bp5co/did_you_hear_about_the_germans_who_got_food/
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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bp3om/guy_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_we/
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Whenever I see lovers names carved into a tree, I don’t think that’s cute

I’m just glad I’m not the only one who brings a knife on a date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bp1jn/whenever_i_see_lovers_names_carved_into_a_tree_i/
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Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bp0pj/job_interviewer_and_where_would_you_see_yourself/
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You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water. If it sinks it's girl ant,

If it floats it's boy ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8boxkl/you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by_dropping_it/
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Two newly weds were discussing how many kids they will have

He: We will have two kids.
She: I want three kids.
He: No, I will have vasectomy after the second one.
She: I hope you treat the third one also as your own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8boxan/two_newly_weds_were_discussing_how_many_kids_they/
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An old man got his wallet stolen while on a bus

When he realized, he started warning everyone:
"Whoever stole my wallet should return it. Otherwise what happened in 1983 will be repeated."
The old man kept ranting this warning every minute until the bus got to the next city. A young man alighted from the bus, threw the wallet into the bus and started running away. The old man picked the wallet.
Stunned by the incidence, a small kid walked to the man and asked,
"What happened in 1983, please."
The old man responded,
"In 1983, someone stole my wallet and I had to go hungry for three days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8box21/an_old_man_got_his_wallet_stolen_while_on_a_bus/
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Two guys sit and have a drink at a bar on top of a skyscraper

The first bloke says to the other,
“You know, there’s such an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you’ll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony."
The second guy responds, “Yeah right, I'm really that gullible. Tell you what, I'll try it if you go first”
"Sure, one moment."
So the first guy jumps off the balcony. He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop, and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony.
“See? I wasn't bullshitting” he says.
The second guy says,  “Holy shit, that looks awesome! I gotta try that too!”
So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and falls and falls. Ultimately ending up as a smear on the pavement
The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink.
As he serves the drink, the bartender says,
“Wow superman, dick move. No more drinks for you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bowoe/two_guys_sit_and_have_a_drink_at_a_bar_on_top_of/
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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bownj/a_young_newlywed_couple_wanted_to_join_a_church/
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My wife got so mad at me

she packed my bags and told me to get out. As I walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bowg0/my_wife_got_so_mad_at_me/
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There are 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench...

There are 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench.
A man in a trench\-coat walks by and flashes them.
2 of the old ladies have a stroke.
The other one couldn't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bosr4/there_are_3_old_ladies_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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Three men die and go to hell

. In there, the devil says: "Well, today I'm in a good mood, so let's spice things a little bit. Tell me a riddle I can't answer and you'll go to heaven".
The first guy says "What has four legs but can't walk?" to which the devil answers with "A table, you're not even trying". He snaps his fingers and bam, some horrible claws grab the guy and drag him down further into the depths of hell.
The second guy's turn comes and he says "What do I have in my pocket?" to which the devil anwsers "You have two dimes, a paperclip and some lint". The guy empties his pockets and yup, there they are: two dimes, a paperclip and some lint. The devil snaps his fingers and a couple of winged imps come flying, grab the guy and drag him to eternal torture.
The third guy takes a deep breath and says "For my riddle, I need a chair and a drill". The devil looks surprised, shrugs, snaps his fingers and a three headed devil brings the guy a chair and a drillbefore disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
The guy starts drilling away, making holes in the seat. Once he has made a whole bunch of them, he says "Attention, Devil", sits down and farts. He stands up and says "Well, through which hole did the fart go?"
The devil, surprised, starts muttering and looking at the holes. After a while, still wide-eyed, he points at a hole and says "This one, I guess?"
The guy laughs and says "Nope, went through this" * Points towards his ass *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bop8z/three_men_die_and_go_to_hell/
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Why was the Roman a paedophile?

....because his X was 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8boliq/why_was_the_roman_a_paedophile/
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Child 1: "Dad why did you name me rose?"

Dad: "Because when you were born a little rose petal fell on your forehead, it was such a beautiful moment."
Child 2: "And why did you name me Lily?"
Dad: "Because when you were born a little Lily fluttered onto your forehead"
Child 3: ADGHRSSDF!!! MMHGJGD!!
Dad: "Shut up Boulder!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bokz3/child_1_dad_why_did_you_name_me_rose/
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A baby was born

and minutes after he began to speak..."I am going to live only 4 days, my Mother will die in 6 days and my Father will die in 15 days..."
4 days later the boy died, after 6 days the Mother died. The Father was crazy coz the next one will be him. He sold everything and spent the whole money...
15 days later the neighbour died.
Do not rush in solving problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8boj9q/a_baby_was_born/
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Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8boi4b/did_you_hear_about_the_pessimist_who_hates_sausage/
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The indian with 1 testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone..'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who was BlueBird's cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Bird with
OneStone !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bohfl/the_indian_with_1_testicle/
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How many Freudian psychoanalysts do you need to change a light bulb

TWO: one to change the light bulb, one to hold the penis..  LADDER, LADDER !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bog8z/how_many_freudian_psychoanalysts_do_you_need_to/
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What key opens a banana?

A monkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8boe26/what_key_opens_a_banana/
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Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword"

Makes sense
He was a carpenter who died from being nailed to a piece of wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bocw6/jesus_once_said_he_who_lives_by_the_sword_shall/
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A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly

the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8boc33/a_motherinlaw_stopped_by_unexpectedly/
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What would a literary person call a bot-test in a wheat field?

Captcha in the Rye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bo5l1/what_would_a_literary_person_call_a_bottest_in_a/
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A man walks up to a night club and tries to enter.

The bouncer turns him away saying he needs to wear a tie or something around his neck.
The man walks back to his car and comes back a few minutes later with some jumper cables around his neck.
The bouncer reluctantly lets him in saying, "alright, but don't start anything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bnxuh/a_man_walks_up_to_a_night_club_and_tries_to_enter/
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[NSFW] She gives head and sings at the same time

A guy, let's call him John. John moves to his new place in Manhattan for work. John doesn't know anybody there; he's gotta start fresh.
After a few days of getting acquainted with his co-workers at the office, he's invited out to the bar for a few drinks. When they walk in, they all start to smirk and grin to each other as they nod their attention to the girl at the table in the corner. John notices but doesn't say anything, unsure what to make of the obvious inside scoop.
They grab a few seats at the bar and start talking and slamming back a few cold ones. After a few laughs John asks his new friends about the girl they saw.
His co-workers nudge each other as they all chuckle. "Oh man... Her? Yeah rumor has it she's got the voice of an angel and gives amazing head."
John replies, "Ok... Is that it?"
Co-worker, "Get this, she can go down on you and sing at the same time. No gargle or nothing."
John, "Whaaaat? No way."
Co-worker, "Yup."
John, "Oh I gotta see this... Check this out".
John walks over to the table, starts striking up a conversation with her and after a bit flashes the thumbs up to his buddies as he walks out the door with her. They head back to his new, freshly furnished apartment and carry on flirting. Finally, John gets the courage to bring up the rumor.
She just smiles and tells him to lay back as she walks over to shut off the lights. John hears her walk back over and crouch down between his legs. *Unzip* as she pulls his pants down and starts pleasing him. Moments later, she starts singing in a beautiful, smoky, sultry voice.
John, "Oh. My. God. This is amazing."
He releases and passes out on the couch.
John wakes up the next morning and as his vision settles, he looks around and notices his wallet, keys, TV, Xbox, computer... All of his valuables are gone. She cleaned him out. Then he notices on the coffee table, with a look of sudden realization,
A glass eyeball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bno8s/nsfw_she_gives_head_and_sings_at_the_same_time/
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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
St. Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of New York City."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. Why, how can this be?"
St. Peter, looks to the preacher and says, "Up here, we work by results. While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bnk7t/a_minister_dies_and_is_waiting_in_line_at_the/
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A husband tells his wife, “Honey, I got you some Aspirin!”

The wife says, “But I don’t have a headache.”
“Great! Let’s have sex!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bnj8v/a_husband_tells_his_wife_honey_i_got_you_some/
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I was going to tell a joke about affordable public healthcare...

But Americans wouldn’t get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bnijr/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_affordable/
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Never fall for offers of a free boat..

They'll always get you with the shipping fees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bncmo/never_fall_for_offers_of_a_free_boat/
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

Because they were sitting on the deck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bn9p7/why_couldnt_the_pirates_play_cards/
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A magician has a good gig

A magician finds a profitable gig on a cruise ship. His show packs out every night and cruise audiences are always grateful and astonished.
Until one day the first mate brings a parrot on board. The problem is that the parrot ruins all the tricks. In the middle of his act it will squawk “Rah, all the cards are 3 of hearts”, or “Rah, the rabbit was in the table.” The magician’s act is ruined.
Then one day, the ship hits an iceberg and sinks.
The magician is the only survivor, but the parrot flies down to his piece of debris and stares at him. For days, they stare at each other, tension filling the air.
Until the parrot finally breaks the silence and says, “I give up. What’d you do with the ship?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bn974/a_magician_has_a_good_gig/
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Star Wars jokes just come naturally to me...

I don't have to Force them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bn6y2/star_wars_jokes_just_come_naturally_to_me/
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A recruit is told to do push ups

A recruit is in formation when the drill sergeant tells everyone to do push-ups.
The recruit raises his arm and says " Sir, I can't do push-ups, Sir!"
The drill sergeant responds "AND WHY THE HELL NOT RECRUIT?"
The recruit responds "Sir, I have no hands, Sir!"
The drill sergeant responds "THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE RECRUIT!"
The recruit responds "Sir, I'm all army, Sir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bn6s0/a_recruit_is_told_to_do_push_ups/
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Did you hear about the pharmacist who got hit with a bottle of omega 3?

They are okay, the injuries were superfishoil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bn6ln/did_you_hear_about_the_pharmacist_who_got_hit/
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I just noticed the Periodic Table has been updated recently. Welcome #119- "AH"!

The element of surprise!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bn5ev/i_just_noticed_the_periodic_table_has_been/
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What do you call a poorly thought out joke?

To be honest im not entirely sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bn4kh/what_do_you_call_a_poorly_thought_out_joke/
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What is the difference between “unlawful” and “illegal”

Unlawful is against the law, illegal is a sick bird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bn3tr/what_is_the_difference_between_unlawful_and/
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A young couple attend a dance together...

A young couple attend a dance together. When the two arrive at the dance, there is a long line to enter the dance hall.
After waiting and waiting, the couple make it to the front entrance.
They are told they can’t enter the dance hall unless they have a ticket.
The line for tickets is quite long, but not as long as the line entering the hall.
After waiting and waiting, the couple get their ticket, and finally enter the hall.
Inside the dance hall there is a photo booth, but there is a long line for the photo booth.
After waiting and waiting, the couple enter the photo booth and get their picture taken.
All of this waiting is making the couple a bit thirsty. The guy offers to get a glass of punch for his date.
There is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bn1g8/a_young_couple_attend_a_dance_together/
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I’ll be hosting a fund raiser this Saturday for men who cant ejaculate during intercourse.

Let me know if you can’t come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bn08p/ill_be_hosting_a_fund_raiser_this_saturday_for/
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A very Jewish wedding...

A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
''So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the rabbi.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmz1c/a_very_jewish_wedding/
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A pirate joke—

A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes,  and emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.
Then out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain you can imagine. He's got a peg leg, an eyepatch, a hook for a hand, a parrot on his shoulder, a long beard, a gold ear ring, and a saber at his side.
The new sailor is awestruck. He nudges a fellow sailor and and asks who he is.
"That's the captain. He's the fiercest pirate on all the seas."
"Wow! How did he lose the leg?"
"Crocodile in the waters of Africa. He killed it with his bare hands."
"WOW! How did he lose the hand?"
"Shark took it in the Caribbean. He killed it with the one good hand."
"WHOA! How did he lose his eye?"
"A bird shit in it."
"Ummm... What? He lost his eye from that?
"Yep. First day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmyah/a_pirate_joke/
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A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister.
You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmxv9/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar_and_find_his_way_to_a/
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What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmxcm/what_did_the_cannibal_get_when_he_was_late_for/
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Paddy and Mick got laid off...

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter."
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on  the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmx5f/paddy_and_mick_got_laid_off/
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Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travellers at this bar

A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmwtx/sorry_sir_we_dont_serve_time_travellers_at_this/
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A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...
But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmuk8/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_asks_hello/
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How many moths does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmtkx/how_many_moths_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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What did the grape say when it got crushed?

Nothing, but it let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmt2g/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_got_crushed/
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[repost] The captain called the sergeant in....

“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’s mother died yesterday.
Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”
So the sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
“Listen up, men,” says the sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.
Smith, report to personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men, report to the motor pool for maintenance.
Oh, by the way, Jones, your mother died—report to the captain.”
Later that day, the captain called the sergeant into his office.
“Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died.
Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful next time?”  “Yes, sir,” answered Sarge.
A few months later, the captain called the sergeant in again.
“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died.
You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me.
This time, be more tactful.”
So the sergeant calls for his morning formation.
“O.K., men, fall in and listen up.
Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward..not so fast, McGrath!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmsvk/repost_the_captain_called_the_sergeant_in/
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Political correctness has gotten so restrictive these days. Now I can't even say, "Black paint."

I have to say, "Please paint that wall, Tyrone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmsv6/political_correctness_has_gotten_so_restrictive/
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I'm so out of shape

I can't even jog my memory!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmpou/im_so_out_of_shape/
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My waitress today had a black eye..

So I made sure to speak slowly and repeat myself since apparently she doesn’t listen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmply/my_waitress_today_had_a_black_eye/
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Why are rednecks always so honest?

Because they don’t have any teeth to lie through

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmkwh/why_are_rednecks_always_so_honest/
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A man with a giant pumpkin for a head walks up to his friend...

The friend says, “My God! What happened to your head!?”
“Well,” says the man, “I found a genie in lamp who granted me three wishes.”
“What did you wish for?” says the friend.
“For the first one I wished for a hundred million dollars, and I got it!”
“And the second?”
“For the second wish I asked for the most beautiful woman in the world,” says the man, “and I got her too.”
“The third wish?”
“The third wish is where I really messed up...” says the man.
“What went wrong?!” says the friend.
“Well,” says the man, “I wished for a giant pumpkin head!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmk0k/a_man_with_a_giant_pumpkin_for_a_head_walks_up_to/
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The Interview

A man goes into an office for an interview.
He sits down on the opposite side of the table of his interviewer.
*couple hours later*
Interviewer: “Hey, everything looks great and you seem like the right person for the job. I just have one more question, it seems that you were unemployed for 4 years. May I ask why?”
Man: “Oh, I was going to Yale.”
Impressed, the interviewer hires him on the spot and sends him on his way.
However, right before the man leaves, he calls his wife and says:
“Honey, I did it! I got the yob!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmdx4/the_interview/
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Lost at Sea

A man was lost at sea and after almost what seemed like forever, saw a little island. He noticed there was a fire coming from one side of the island and he steered his little boat towards the fire.
He managed to get on the island and noticed there was 2 men standing next to the fire, one with a Captain uniform. The men saw him and ran to his aid and he was so excited so see some people.
Captain \- "G'day mate, my name is **Michael**, our boat crashed a few weeks ago and my 5 crew and I have been stuck here since."
The second guy \- "I am **Meh\-Ching**, I was chef on ship, can cook anything, make it taste good."
Man \- "Wow, do you all have talents? That is great to hear."
Captain \- "You can walk around and talk to the other guys and get to know them."
The man walks to a little hut that has been recently built with 2 men inside.
The third guy \- "My is **Rory**, I good at making alcohol, so we will have a lifetime supply."
The fourth guy \- "I am **Brendan**, I was a builder by trade and I can build anything you need."
The man said, "I don't know if I am dreaming this can't be real!"
Another man walks in from a tiny room inside the hut, adjusting his belt.
The fifth guy \-  "Hey new guy, my name is **Ian** and I am the doctor, in case of any injuries or sickness we are well prepared to deal with it!"
Captain \- "The last guy is **Tim**, he is the hunter, he can catch anything no matter how big. He isn't here right now."
The man said, "I have one last question. I have been at sea for such a long time, what do you guys do around here for sexual release?"
Captain \- "See that tiny room over there? Go to that room and stick your dick in the barrel."
The man looking interested and curious walks over and does what the Captain says.
After 10 min the man, is completely exhausted from fucking the barrel.
The Captain and his men come to check on him and make sure he is okay.
The man said \- "That was the best feeling he has ever felt, I came 3 times!"
Captain \- "Any time you feel like it, just come in here and fuck the barrel, except for tomorrow."
The man said \- "Why not tomorrow?"
Captain \- "Because that is your day in the barrel."
**Tim** \- "Hi new guy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bmdjc/lost_at_sea/
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A vegan, a bitcoin trader and someone who didn't vote in 2016 walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bm9yr/a_vegan_a_bitcoin_trader_and_someone_who_didnt/
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A nun walks into a pet shop, set on purchasing a parrot.

The shop owner, noticing the Holy Sister, hurries quickly to offer her a hand and enquire as to what she’s after.
“Well, you see sir, the Nunnery can be rather drab, believe it or not, and so we’d like to add some colour, but we need a well behaved parrot, absolutely no swearing.”
The owner replies  “Oh of course, Sister! Come with me, I have just the thing!”
The owner beckons and ushers the Nun to the back corner of the store, where three parrots are sat on perches. The nun can’t help but notice that two of the parrots have a single string attached to one of their legs, with the third having two strings, one attached on each leg. Noticing the quizzical look on the Nun’s face, the owner is quick to explain.
“You see sister? That parrot on the left with the single string? Pull it, and he’ll recite the Book of Psalms, without error. The Parrot on the right? Pull the string and he’ll recite the Song of Songs, the Hail Mary and the Our Father. The one in the middle with two? He can do either, just pull one for Psalms and one for the Prayers! As you can see, they’re very holy and sacred birds”.
The nun responds “Wow, they’re amazing, truly beautiful birds! But I only have one question. What happens if you pull both strings at the same time?”
“I fall off my fucking perch, you goddamn shit-for-brains”, replies the parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bm9te/a_nun_walks_into_a_pet_shop_set_on_purchasing_a/
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Have you heard about the guy with 5 penises?

His underwear fits like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bm9oe/have_you_heard_about_the_guy_with_5_penises/
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What is a sex addict’s favorite dessert?

Pound cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bm9mk/what_is_a_sex_addicts_favorite_dessert/
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Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts to the second, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"

The second man shouts back, "You are on the other side of the river!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bm9ba/two_men_are_on_opposite_sides_of_a_river_the/
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A pope, a Nazi, and a child molester walk into a bar...

And that was just the first guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bm606/a_pope_a_nazi_and_a_child_molester_walk_into_a_bar/
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What is the difference between jam and jelly?

I can't jelly my dick in your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bm5ui/what_is_the_difference_between_jam_and_jelly/
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What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

One looks up family trees, the other looks up family bushes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bm256/whats_the_difference_between_a_genealogist_and_a/
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What's the difference between a Ferrari and a boner?

I don't have a Ferrari

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8blzst/whats_the_difference_between_a_ferrari_and_a_boner/
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A man owned a Greek island, but there so much paperwork that came with tourists travelling there that he always had to sit inside working. Eventually, he decided to pass the island on to someone else. This way he could spend more time outside and focus on his real passion - maths.

So, he signed over Kos and got a tan instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8blzeg/a_man_owned_a_greek_island_but_there_so_much/
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Jesus was with his disciples walking through Jerusalem when they came upon a crowd that was going to stone a woman to death for adultery. He jumped in front of the woman and said, “Let the one without sin cast the first stone.”

Suddenly, from out of the crowd, a rock flew toward the woman's head. It struck her square in the temple, killing her instantly.
Jesus, pissed off, said, “Mom! Not cool! I was trying to make a point!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8blwpb/jesus_was_with_his_disciples_walking_through/
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I always wondered 🤔

Why is a person who play the piano called a pianist but a person who races not called a racist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bltoh/i_always_wondered/
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So this one cow says to the other cow

"Hey have you heard about this mad cow disease?"  and the other cow says "Yeah, thank god I'm a helicopter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8blq58/so_this_one_cow_says_to_the_other_cow/
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Are you struggling with masturbation addiction? Me too...

You should call me up sometime. We can beat it together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8blogt/are_you_struggling_with_masturbation_addiction_me/
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A black guy and a white guy walk into a bakery...

The black guy goes up to the counter, steals 3 pasties without getting caught, and he puts them in his pocket.
He says to the white guy 'did you see that, he didn't even notice'
'Oh yeah?' the white guy responded 'watch this'
He goes up to the counter, takes three pasties, and eats them whilst walking out of the store.
'Hey!' shouted the cashier 'you have to pay for those'
'Oh no, it's a magic trick' explained the white guy 'Look in that black guys pockets'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8blo5q/a_black_guy_and_a_white_guy_walk_into_a_bakery/
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A woman is walking her dog along the pier

When suddenly the dog slips and falls in to the rough sea below. Distraught, she begins to scream for help as the waves drag the dog deeper and deeper. Out of nowhere a German man dives in, brings it ashore, resuscitates it and the dog gets up as if nothing has happened. The woman, who is incredibly thankful to the man says  “Thank you so so much, you’ve saved my dogs life, are you a vet??” to which the German man replies “VET??? I’M FUCKING SOAKING”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8blilv/a_woman_is_walking_her_dog_along_the_pier/
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A piece of string walks into a bar...

He sits down next to the bartender and asks for a drink. The bartender responds apologetically, "I’m sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
Confused, the string leaves the bar and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting on a different end. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."
Dejected, the string leaves and returns home once again. A few weeks go bye, and the string decides to try his luck one more time. He ties himself up and pulls apart the top of his string to mask his appearance. He enters the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender looks long and hard and says,"Hey, you look familiar. You've definitely been around here. Aren't you that string from a while back?"
The string looks him in the eye and says cooly,"Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8blif0/a_piece_of_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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Never go out with someone with lazy eye.

They'll always be seeing someone else on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8blhoz/never_go_out_with_someone_with_lazy_eye/
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Why does Africa never win the Olympics?

Because it's a continent, dumbass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8blhip/why_does_africa_never_win_the_olympics/
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I had sex with a german girl...

I don't know why she kept shouting out the number 9 the entire time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8blepm/i_had_sex_with_a_german_girl/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bleej/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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My wife left me because I’m too insecure

Oh wait she’s back
She just went to go make a cup of tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bldvr/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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I saw a man at an intersection holding a sign saying “Homeless VET, anything helps.”

So I stopped to ask him how he ended up on the street, he said “I got caught sleeping with my patients. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bldgx/i_saw_a_man_at_an_intersection_holding_a_sign/
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I was doing laundry with my dad

I was doing laundry with my Dad, getting ready for a wedding. We had the TV running to keep us company. There was some stupid commercial running about laundry detergent or something. He was just throwing stuff in the machine while watching the TV, not paying attention. I saw him about to put something of mine that was not machine washable into the machine and I yelled at him, "Dad wait don't put that in there!" He held it up and looked at it as I went back to watching TV, and he asked me, "Son, what is this?"
I replied, "Its a Tie Dad".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8blc5l/i_was_doing_laundry_with_my_dad/
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I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis.

Just to let her know  I was thinking about her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bl9b2/i_sent_my_wife_a_picture_of_my_flaccid_penis/
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Two mathematicians walk into a bar...

The punchline is trivial and is left as an exercise to the reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bl2ix/two_mathematicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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[Nsfw] Whats the difference between a circus and a whore house?

One is a cunning array of stunts, the other is a stunning array of cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bkzuh/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a/
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A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost...

He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bkyht/a_man_flying_in_a_hot_air_balloon_suddenly/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves...

...free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bkteh/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
A man and his son were walking through a dark coastal town.

They couldn't fathom why it was so dark. So they made their ways to an old harbourside Inn, and spoke to the landlord. He said that since their only source of energy ran out the town was suffering blackouts and there was nothing they could do about it without the funding for some cleaner, greener energy.
But little did the landlord know, that the man and his son belonged to one of the wealthiest entrepreneurial families in the land. And the man vowed to help.
For years he funded and rallied and petitioned, and grew weary.  So his son took over, and followed in his footsteps. And built the largest tidal electric facilities in the world, capable of powering not only the coastal village through the years, but thousands of homes through the land.
Once his mission was complete, he returned to the old rundown little inn to find the wisened landlord still working the bar. When he saw who entered and recognised him for who he was, he fell to his knees and asked why had the man and his father spent so much of their wealth on such an investment, as it must have cost all their fortunes to fund such technologies.
The boy said in a slow voice, "it was surprisingly cheap and easy actually", then leant in and continued in a quieter tone
"besides, it's a tide ad".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bksjb/a_man_and_his_son_were_walking_through_a_dark/
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Why do gay men have such amazing taste in clothing?

They take years before coming out of the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bkr66/why_do_gay_men_have_such_amazing_taste_in_clothing/
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What do you get when you cross a shark and a giraffe?

A stern reprimand from the bioethics committee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bkqyq/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_shark_and_a/
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What company is going to start selling pills that are the opposite of Viagra?

Ubisoft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bkony/what_company_is_going_to_start_selling_pills_that/
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Mark zuckerberg is living out most of this generations greatest fear.

Hes having to explain his undeleted internet history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bkdz4/mark_zuckerberg_is_living_out_most_of_this/
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My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs.

Unbelievable! I've been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bkd4w/my_local_hairdresser_just_got_arrested_for/
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Whats better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on my organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bkcuj/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
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I like my women like I like my Scotch

Preferably aged 18 years but I could settle for 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bk7tg/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_scotch/
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I'm the kind of guy that knows what every woman really wants

Pockets. Women want fully functional pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bk72e/im_the_kind_of_guy_that_knows_what_every_woman/
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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations

F=ma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bk09o/when_life_gives_you_lemons_make_lemonade_when/
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A Barcelona dinner party.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Barcelona. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.  At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly, he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman walking alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bjywm/a_barcelona_dinner_party/
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Trump has two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right.'

In the left side, there's nothing right.
In the right side, there's nothing left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bjtz0/trump_has_two_parts_of_brain_left_and_right/
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I hate it when people misuse the words “your and “you’re”.

There so stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bjtu7/i_hate_it_when_people_misuse_the_words_your_and/
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NSFW Jack and Jill

went up the hill so Jack could taste Jill’s candy, Jack was shocked by a giant cock cause Jill’s real name was Randy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bjnd7/nsfw_jack_and_jill/
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The pathway next to my apartment building has never been cleaned, it's made out of garbage

Litteralley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bjmwv/the_pathway_next_to_my_apartment_building_has/
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My doctor told me I have early on-set dimensia.

I said "That's bullshit! I can't remember the last time I forgot something!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bjlzh/my_doctor_told_me_i_have_early_onset_dimensia/
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Science builds planes and skyscrapers

But faith brings them together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bjkds/science_builds_planes_and_skyscrapers/
%
The Guinness Factory in Dublin Experiences a Workplace Fatality

The unhappy job of giving the news to the widow falls upon the deceased man's best friend, Gerald.
Gerald knocks on the door of his dead friend's house and Mary, the widow, answers the door.
"Mary, I'm afraid there has been an accident at the factory, Tom was involved."
"My God." says Mary, "is he alright!?"
"Well, the fact is, no, he died. Drowned in one of the vats" Gerald tells Mary and she begins to cry.
"Was it at least a quick death?" Mary asked.
"As a matter of fact... no. He got out three times to pee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bjbx1/the_guinness_factory_in_dublin_experiences_a/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Everything’s fine. He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bja3i/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
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A limerick writ for a Twit

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
*"Please stop!"* they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
*"If I do they might call me a quitter"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bj9ar/a_limerick_writ_for_a_twit/
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I just learned Cardi B has a cousin who’s really into fitness.

She’s called Cardi O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bj82r/i_just_learned_cardi_b_has_a_cousin_whos_really/
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A funny joke that my arabic dad told me :"the boy who wanted onion flavoured ice cream"

One day , The ice cream shop has a visitor , It is a little boy , The shop keeper says "Welcome , You came to the right place for your ice cream needs young man!" The little boy shouts while he is still at the door : "Do you guys have onion flavoured ice cream?" , The man is suprised and said: "no ,we don't sorry" the boy leaves The next day at the same time the boy comes in , The shop keeper out of habit says "Welcome" but he sees that it is the boy and silences him self thinking the boy is mad . The boy says :"Do you have onion flavoured ice cream?" The man says :"No , We dont".
That keeps going for 2 or 3 weeks until the man thought to himself:"You know , Why dont i make onion flavoured Ice cream for the little guy?" and he stood up all night to make it great . The boy comes the next day , "Welcome" says the shop keeper, The boy says the usual lines :"Do you have onion flavoured Ice cream?" the man excitingly says : "Yes we do" the boy then says : "Wow you guys must be retarded , Who would buy that shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bj6ir/a_funny_joke_that_my_arabic_dad_told_me_the_boy/
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If a stork delivers white babies, and a crow delivers black babies, what kind of bird delivers no babies?

A swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bj6f0/if_a_stork_delivers_white_babies_and_a_crow/
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T.J. Miller has brought his comedy to a whole new level

At least when it comes to bombing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bj69b/tj_miller_has_brought_his_comedy_to_a_whole_new/
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What type of cancer do anarchists hate the most?

Prostate cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bj00z/what_type_of_cancer_do_anarchists_hate_the_most/
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Just to let you know, My name is Three

And before you say anything, I know, it's odd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8biz1h/just_to_let_you_know_my_name_is_three/
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A girl asks a boy: "Am I pretty or ugly?"

The boy answers: "Both."
"What do you mean?"
"You're pretty ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8biy0r/a_girl_asks_a_boy_am_i_pretty_or_ugly/
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Adblock makes your penis bigger!

Since installing I’ve not had any ‘Doctors in my area’ offering penis enlargements at all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8biwpz/adblock_makes_your_penis_bigger/
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Why are there no pharmacies in africa?

Because you can't take medicine on an empty stomach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8biv5x/why_are_there_no_pharmacies_in_africa/
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People say assholes don't care about others...

but they do give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bithj/people_say_assholes_dont_care_about_others/
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I asked my neighbours if they knew who's the idiot that keeps leaving his trash bags in the elevator.

They didn't so for now I'm gonna keep doing that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bir95/i_asked_my_neighbours_if_they_knew_whos_the_idiot/
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Did you know diarrhea is genetic??

It runs in your jeans...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bimvo/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_genetic/
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My Girlfriend is sad that her dog died, so I went out and got her an identical dog

and she said "What the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8biltq/my_girlfriend_is_sad_that_her_dog_died_so_i_went/
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A warning to be careful about drunk driving..

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.
On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....
I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bile8/a_warning_to_be_careful_about_drunk_driving/
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I found a noose online that claimed to have a 100% success rate

They must have been right because there were no customer reviews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8biigy/i_found_a_noose_online_that_claimed_to_have_a_100/
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THREE vampires walk into a restaurant one casual night.

The host welcomed them in and showed them their seats.
While they were seated, a waiter comes by to ask for their orders:
Vampire 1: "I'm hungry and have saved a lot of money for such an occasion. I'll have a glass of your finest human blood"
Vampire 2: "I'm kinda saving up for stuff, so I'll just have a cup of raw pig blood."
Vampire 3:  "I don't have a lot of money with me today, so I'll just have a cup of hot water."
The two vampires and the waiter look at him with contempt
Vampire 3: "What're you looking at me for? I picked this pantyliner from the street so I'm just gonna make tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8big2i/three_vampires_walk_into_a_restaurant_one_casual/
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Another Blonde joke that is definitely not a repost. Honest. I wouldn't kid you.

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”
“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble.”
“I'd be happy to,” said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
“What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!”
“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bifam/another_blonde_joke_that_is_definitely_not_a/
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If you get an email saying "click this link to hear Nickelback's new album for free" DO NOT CLICK IT

It will take you directly to a site where you can hear Nickelback's new album for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8biehu/if_you_get_an_email_saying_click_this_link_to/
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8biefg/little_april_was_not_the_best_student_in_sunday/
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So I went to a bookstore to buy Donald Trump's book

Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bic9l/so_i_went_to_a_bookstore_to_buy_donald_trumps_book/
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I ate a bad burrito and now I feel like Nazi Germany

A lot of gas and I’m fighting a war on 2 fronts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bibpv/i_ate_a_bad_burrito_and_now_i_feel_like_nazi/
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I gave a speech about time management

It lasted seven hours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bi733/i_gave_a_speech_about_time_management/
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*knock knock*

*runs away*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bi69a/knock_knock/
%
Did you hear about the cheese factory that crumbled in France?

There was nothing left but de-Brie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bi5f9/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_that/
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If I had a nickle for every person that isn't attracted to me

I would suddenly be very attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bi48k/if_i_had_a_nickle_for_every_person_that_isnt/
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Warning: Breaking Bad Spoilers

Will make your car look fucking ridiculous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bi2uo/warning_breaking_bad_spoilers/
%
What does an American ww2 veteran say when you ask him if he wants some tea?

Sherman tanks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhxsw/what_does_an_american_ww2_veteran_say_when_you/
%
What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of helium?

HeHe...
Im making bad chemistry jokes coz all the good ones argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhwc3/what_did_the_scientist_say_when_he_found_two/
%
Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhuay/which_writer_would_you_expect_to_find_in_a/
%
Ancient chinese torture

A man goes on a date with a hot chinese chick and crashes at her house, when her dad, Ling Bao, says:
"You can stay here for the night. Just one condition: don't sleep with my virgin daughter or I will give you the 3 worst forms of chinese torture".
The man agrees, but he ends up sleeping with her anyway.
he wakes up to a large rock on his chest with a post it note on it saying "chinese torture 1: large rock on chest."
The man laughs and throws the rock out the window, when he hears a rope slipping and sees a sign at the other end of the room saying "chinese torture 2: left testicle tied to rock"
The man sees the rope is about to become taut, and decides a few broken bones is better than castration. So he jumps out the window.
As he's falling, he sees a sign on the ground:
"chinese torture 3: right testicle tied to bedpost"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhso9/ancient_chinese_torture/
%
Why did 5 leave 4 when 6 came along?

To be honest, 4 was a little square.  And 6, well 6 was perfect.
What's that about 7?  7 doesn't factor into any of this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhs7q/why_did_5_leave_4_when_6_came_along/
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A Young Driver Gets Pulled Over

The police officer comes to his window.
"I pulled you over because you didn't have a seatbelt on"
The driver replies:
"Excuse me officer, I did."
He motions to his seatbelt, fastened. The officer looks unconvinced.
"You did not have that on when I passed you"
The young driver pulls out his phone.
"I did officer, I just took a Snapchat of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhr1x/a_young_driver_gets_pulled_over/
%
This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhq8f/this_week_in_dc_mark_zuckerberg_is_currently/
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Enter password: ‘snowflake’

Confirm password: ‘snowflake’
Error, your passwords are not alike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhpki/enter_password_snowflake/
%
A business man is about to leave for a week-long trip and is worried his wife will chest on him.

A business man is about to leave for a week-long business trip and is particularly concerned that his flirtatious wife may cheat on him. He decided he wanted to purchase a sex toy for her to keep her occupied while he was gone. He walks into a sex toy shop and looks around for a bit before heading to the counter.
Business Man: "I'm trying to find the perfect toy for my wife, do you have any suggestions?"
Store Owner: "We have a large assortment of dildos and vibrators in many shapes and colors."
The business man looks around a bit and asks: "These are all great and all.. but my wife is the adventurous type.. I don't think these will please her.. Surely she will chest on me while I'm gone. "
The attendant feeling a bit of sentiment to the man's problem suggests something out of the ordinary.
Store Owner: "Sir, I do have something that may help. It is very expensive and it is the only one of its kind."
The store owner retreats to the back room and emerges minutes later with an old box. He reluctantly sets it on the counter and exclaims "This is very special".
The business man opens the box to reveal an ordinary looking dildo with tribal designs.
Buisness Man: "This just looks like a regular old dildo.."
Store Owner: "You haven't seen the best part!"
"Voodoo Dick the door!"
And the dildo flew across the room and began fucking the door.
The business man was pleased and purchased the item.
The man presented the gift to his wife and explained how it worked. She didn't believe him, but tickled his fancy anyways.
"Voodoo dick my pussy!" She said sarcasticly.
The dildo flew out of the box and into her box and pleased her with many orgasms.
"How do I turn it off?" said his wife. The man panicked- "He never told me how!"
The wife is in immense pain and so they decide to rush to the hospital to remove the voodoo dick. On the way, they get pulled over.
Cop: "Sir, do you realize why I pulled you over?"
Business Man: "Officer, my wife has a voodoo dick in her and it won't stop fucking her."
The cop chuckles in disbelief.. "Hah, Voodoo dick my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhpdb/a_business_man_is_about_to_leave_for_a_weeklong/
%
Why did I get divorced??

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhp96/why_did_i_get_divorced/
%
A black boy walks into the kitchen...

A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhoqz/a_black_boy_walks_into_the_kitchen/
%
My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now." Horrified, she said, "What!? You wish our son had never been born!?"

"No." I replied. "I got his girlfriend pregnant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bho7z/my_wife_walked_in_on_an_argument_between_our_son/
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America is basically Trump's fourth wife.

He gave us his name, fucked us, and all we'll have to show for it is a long, drawn-out court procedure and a bunch of unnecessary debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhlso/america_is_basically_trumps_fourth_wife/
%
I saw a girl and I wrote my number on a dollar.

I went to her and I dropped the dollar then I said: "Sorry to bother you, but this dropped from you."
But the stupid girl went and bought a sandwich with the dollar.
The problem is not here, but the problem is that the sandwich seller is texting me till midnight saying: "Did you love the sandwich beautiful?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhlgn/i_saw_a_girl_and_i_wrote_my_number_on_a_dollar/
%
Do I know any jokes about sodium?

Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhkh9/do_i_know_any_jokes_about_sodium/
%
They should build the wall out of Hillary

People clearly can't get over her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhh4b/they_should_build_the_wall_out_of_hillary/
%
Some guy called me a tool...

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bhf57/some_guy_called_me_a_tool/
%
I was on a vegetable and wine only diet

I lost 20 pounds and my drivers license

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bh6m1/i_was_on_a_vegetable_and_wine_only_diet/
%
Why does everyone like hanging out with Mr. Mushroom?

Because he is a fungi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bh6d0/why_does_everyone_like_hanging_out_with_mr/
%
Did you know that if you play Nickelback backwards you can hear the devil?

But what's even worse is that if you play it forwards you can hear Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bh5tv/did_you_know_that_if_you_play_nickelback/
%
What's an American's favourite clothing?

A lawsuit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bh480/whats_an_americans_favourite_clothing/
%
The chief of police knocks on a woman's door

"Ma'am", he says, removing his hat:
"we have bad and good news"
"bad news first" the woman replies.
"I'm sorry, but a serial killer attacked your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor"
The woman begins crying. "so what's the good news?"
"When we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Want one?"
"No way. that's disgusting!" the woman sobbed
"Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bh1fj/the_chief_of_police_knocks_on_a_womans_door/
%
Spring is acting like a bitter, angry, baby’s mama.

Bitch, I just wanna see my sun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bgtff/spring_is_acting_like_a_bitter_angry_babys_mama/
%
Three men were stranded in a hot desert when suddenly a gene appeared!

The gene says: “I see you three have been walking in this hot desert for over a week and you’re almost out of food and water! I will give each of you one wish, and one wish only!”
The first man immediately shouts “Please teleport me home!”
And in an instant the man was teleported away.
The second man excitingly shouts “Please teleport me home we as well!” And he was instantly teleported.
The third man looks around and says “I feel kind of lonely now, please teleport them back here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bgt22/three_men_were_stranded_in_a_hot_desert_when/
%
A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.

Better still, he felt great about the divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bgnst/a_friend_of_mine_lost_200_pounds_of_excess_fat/
%
A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden.

He was amazed looking at the size of the penis he had.
He called him and asked "How come you black men have such big dongs?"
Slave :Its an ancient secret passed on from our tribe through generations,when you have sex, push in real fast and then pull very slowly.The suction will slowly aid in the growth of the penis over time."
Delighted by the news,he decided to try the trick on his wife that night . As he was doing her with the same technique
His wife stopped halfway and asked "Whats the matter with you tonight? You're fucking like a n*gger"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bgnqv/a_southern_plantation_owner_once_saw_his_slave/
%
Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your services?

Zuckerberg: “1010011010”.......Ahem
Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bgnf8/mr_zuckerberg_how_do_you_sustain_a_business_model/
%
Uncles are like burritos

The bad ones hurt your asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bgn7q/uncles_are_like_burritos/
%
What do you call a one night stand that goes horribly, horribly wrong?

Your wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bgjhk/what_do_you_call_a_one_night_stand_that_goes/
%
I had a relationship with a blind woman

It was challenging but very rewarding. Took me ages to get her husband's voice right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bgjfd/i_had_a_relationship_with_a_blind_woman/
%
A woman and her 5-year old son are taking a bus home.

It's late in the evening and their stop last one on the bus route. All of the other passengers have disembarked, so it's just the woman, her son, and the bus driver. The boy looks out of the window and sees scantily-clad young women standing on a street corner.
"Mommy," says the boy, "what are these girls doing so late at night?" The mother, not wanting to tell him who they really are replies, "Well, Johnny, you see, these girls have a job, and they don't have enough money for their own car, so they wait for their husbands to pick them up and take them home."
The bus driver hears this and says, "Lady, why are you lying to your son?" Then he turns to the boy: "Those are hookers kid, they fuck men for money."
The boy is silent for a moment, then turns to his mother and says, "Mommy, if those hookers have kids, do they become hookers too?"
And the mother replies, "No, they become bus drivers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bghqk/a_woman_and_her_5year_old_son_are_taking_a_bus/
%
A slice of pie costs $3.50 in Barbados,

$3.00 in Saint Lucia, $2.50 in Belize, and $2 in Cuba.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bgfai/a_slice_of_pie_costs_350_in_barbados/
%
How do all black jokes begin?

With a look over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bgf1b/how_do_all_black_jokes_begin/
%
I don't trust people that can't sit or stand.

They're always lying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bgcz1/i_dont_trust_people_that_cant_sit_or_stand/
%
Two chemists walk into a restaurant after work

, they sit down at there table and order drinks. The first chemist says, "I will have some H20", the second chemist says, "I will have a glass of water, and dude why are you referring to it so strangely, we aren't at work anymore."
The first chemist then goes into the bathroom and cries as his assassination plot has failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bgazs/two_chemists_walk_into_a_restaurant_after_work/
%
I just bought shoes from my drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bgaw6/i_just_bought_shoes_from_my_drug_dealer/
%
Never go out with a tennis player

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bg9x1/never_go_out_with_a_tennis_player/
%
Money talks

But all mine ever says is goodbye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bg7qb/money_talks/
%
If I had a bitcoin for every gender...

I would be imagining getting a lot of pretend money for a lot of people pretending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bg758/if_i_had_a_bitcoin_for_every_gender/
%
Why is an Egyptian tomb like a train whistle?

They have a toot in common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bg6dt/why_is_an_egyptian_tomb_like_a_train_whistle/
%
The big funeral

A man was in a town and noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A hearse was followed by a second hearse at a distance behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him, at a little distance, was a group of about 200 men in single file. The man couldn't stand the curiousity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you in a procession.  Whose funeral is it?"
The mourner replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife", as a tear rolled down his face.
"What happened to her?" the man asked.
The mourner answered, "My dog attacked and killed her", as another tear went down his face.
Getting a bit uncomfortable, but now more curious, the man inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
Hesitantly, the man asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The mourner nodded, looked over his shoulder and said "Join the queue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bg5ag/the_big_funeral/
%
If you want a promotion at work, walk into your office and start shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs...

This will make you the person who calls the shots...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bg4tp/if_you_want_a_promotion_at_work_walk_into_your/
%
A burly gentleman walks into a pub and slams his fists on the bar.

He tells the barman that the pub hasn't paid its protection money, and his mafia boss has ordered him to collect.
The burly gent heads down to the cellar and starts wheeling out all the wine barrels. He loads them onto his van and drives off.
Later that day the burly gent returns and heads back down to the cellar. He starts wheeling out all of the barrels of ale, loading them onto his van, and then drives off with the goods.
Later, again, he returns and heads straight back down to the cellar. As he comes up, wheeling all the barrels of Budweiser, the barman stops him and says, "hang on, wait... just wait a minute... Now you're taking the piss".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bg17y/a_burly_gentleman_walks_into_a_pub_and_slams_his/
%
An Englishwoman who marries a Frenchman goes to live in his Paris apartment

One day she goes out to buy groceries, but since she doesn't speak French and the butchers don't speak English, she rolls up her dress to indicate she wants some chicken thigh, which gets the message across.
The next week, she goes out and pulls down her top to indicate she wants chicken breasts, which again gets the message across albeit with a few laughs from the staff.
The week after that, she had to buy sausages, so she brought her husband along to the butcher's, obviously because he could speak French.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bfzz4/an_englishwoman_who_marries_a_frenchman_goes_to/
%
Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.
The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".
"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.
"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.
"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.
"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bfyoy/man_and_his_wife_join_a_weight_loss_club_theyre/
%
I'm unsubbing from this godforsaken subreddit and here's why...

Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bfyfa/im_unsubbing_from_this_godforsaken_subreddit_and/
%
A German, an American and a Russian are in Prison

I love these jokes because they countries they choose always tell you something about the person telling it. In this case a Russian friend told it to me:
A German, and American and a Russian are locked up in a particularly brutal prison.
To train their guards, their jailers devise a game. Each of the prisoners is given a marble, and told that they have 24 hours to hide it. If it is found, the prisoner will be shot, if it remains hidden, they will be released.
The German hides his marble in the stuffing of his mattress.  After turning the place over for half an hour or so, they cut the mattress open, and out it falls.  **BANG**.
The American, as is the wont in these jokes, shoves It up his arse. The guards tunr the cell voer for a couple of hours, and finally turn their attention to the prisoner, finding the marble pretty quickly. **BANG**.
When they go to search the Russian’s cell, however, they spend hours picking apart every inch, search the prisoner inside and out, and finally give up.  The warden, surprisingly ture to his word, arranges his release, but begs the prisoner to tell him where he hid the marble.  The Russian replies: “I was thinking about hiding it in the toilet, but then I lost it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bfv7l/a_german_an_american_and_a_russian_are_in_prison/
%
There was a Farmer and he really loved tractors.

He was a huge tractor fan.
One day he decided to take his John Deer tractor down to the local grocery store. A short way into his journey the tractor steering locked and brakes failed it was on a set course through the gates of the school and into a the path of a group of children playing outside.
The next day headlines read: Tractor Massacre Leaves 7 Dead and 4 Injured. The Farmer was only sentenced  to 10 years. While in prison the farmer vowed never would he have a desire, a passion and a love for tractors ever again. After  being released  the farmer needed a drink. He went to the nearest bar. On entry to the bar he noticed a peculiar smell, almost off putting.
Curiously he asked the bartender
“What’s with the smell?”
The bartender replied:
“It’s been here for years, we don’t know what it is but if anyone can get rid of it I will give them free drinks for life.”
Interested in the  prospect of free drinks for life the farmer humbly took up the challenge.
The farmer took a deep breath in, walked outside and exhaled. He repeated the process all day and late  into the night. Miraculously the smell dissipated and eventually disappeared.
Stunned the bartender asked “how did you get rid of the smell?”
The farmer replied “I’m an ex tractor fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bfugh/there_was_a_farmer_and_he_really_loved_tractors/
%
I met a guy at the pub,... (long)

I met a guy at the pub, who was experimenting with AI and shoes. He had designed himself a pair of shoes that would learn where you live and where you go regularly and if you ever get lost the shoes would be able to guide you home.
He found out the best use for them was to get him home after a night at the pub, because no matter how drunk he got the shoes would always get him home, no problems.
It was great for awhile, but he told me of this one night when he got drunk, as usual, and woke up 200 kms from home in a different city. You see, the shoes ended up getting bored of just going to the pub and back again. They wanted to explore, to see the world. And that wasn't the only time it happened, whenever he got blackout drunk he'd wake up in a new place every time. In the end he got sick of them so he tryied to get rid of them.
But the next morning they were back near his front door. So he threw them away again, and again the next morning they were back at his door.
This goes on and on for days. He'd lock the door but the shoes would kick it in. It got so bad that one day the shoes stole a car and drove off a cliff, the poor buggers, they couldn't steer.
This really messed with the man's head, so he saw a priest, because he was worried that he had created something that can think and do as it pleases and wondered if the shoes would be accepted into heaven and stuff like that. The priest said everything was fine and that the shoes would go to heaven because after all, shoes have soles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bfnjc/i_met_a_guy_at_the_pub_long/
%
I really love whiteboards.

They're Remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bfk3o/i_really_love_whiteboards/
%
10 inch Bic & The Genie.

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke.
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.
He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish?
"Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants.
The man says " I want a Million Bucks"
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bffoi/10_inch_bic_the_genie/
%
A woman is in a coma in hospital

The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bfd1a/a_woman_is_in_a_coma_in_hospital/
%
Mary has a problem so heads to the doctor

"Doctor, I have an embarrassing problem with my vagina.  The lips are huge and stick out and it makes me really self conscious. I don't even like my husband seeing me like this so we never have sex" she tells him.
"Ok" says the doctor "Lets have a look and see whats what."
Mary gets undressed and sure enough she has rather large labia that hang down and look swollen. In fact they are the biggest the doctor has ever seen.
"Well Mary, we can sort this with a fairly simple operation.  The surgeon will sinply cut away the excess flesh and you will be right as rain in a few days" advises the Dr.
So Mary gets booked in and undergoes the surgery which is a complete sucess.  When she comes round the surgeon shows her his work and she is so happy she cries.  The surgeon tells her not to be silly and gives her three roses.
"Oh, how lovely" says Mary "What are these for?"
"Well", replies the surgeon "the first one is from your husband to say how much he loves you and that he will be in as soon as visiting starts."
"And the second one?" asks Mary
"That is from your Dr, he know how nurvous you were and it was a little get well soon gesture."
"Oh how lovely, and what about the third one?" she asks.
"They are from Trevor in the burns unit" replies the surgeon. "It's to say thanks for the new ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bfawc/mary_has_a_problem_so_heads_to_the_doctor/
%
What do you call a drunk humanitarian?

A philanthroPISSED.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bf9y2/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_humanitarian/
%
How to become cool.

A\) Cool sunglasses emoji
B\)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bezdt/how_to_become_cool/
%
An old Italian man is dying and calls for his son

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatda you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8beyfk/an_old_italian_man_is_dying_and_calls_for_his_son/
%
What did the blind man say when he ran his fingers over a cheese grater?

"this is the most violent book I've ever read"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bex47/what_did_the_blind_man_say_when_he_ran_his/
%
The Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.
He’s talking with Satan and says, “What a terrible place! It’s very hot, dark, smoky and extremely bad!”
Satan said, “Well, what did you expect? After all, this IS Hell!”
The engineer said, “Do you have a compressor, some tubing, and wire?
Satan said, “Yeah, we might have some of that stuff laying around somewhere. I’ll check and see what I can find for you.”
Satan finds the stuff. So, the engineer starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, good lighting, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy!
One day God calls and tells Satan, “Say, we had a mix-up. I was checking records and discovered that by error an engineer got sent down to you. He should have come here in Heaven. All engineers go to Heaven. You need to transfer him up here instead.”
Satan says, "Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, great lighting, and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. We like him! We’re going to keep him.”
God is horrified. "That's clearly a mistake! He should never have gone down there in the first place! Send him up here immediately!"
Satan says, "No way! I really like having an engineer on the staff. I'm
keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I'll sue you!”
Satan laughs, “Yeah, right, God. Good luck on that. Where are you going to find a lawyer?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bew7i/the_engineer_in_hell/
%
What did i do to escape Iraq?

Iran
Don’t worry this story Israel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bev3q/what_did_i_do_to_escape_iraq/
%
Friends sometimes ask me "How's your love life going?"

A bit personal but I don't mind, I can honestly say "I'm holding my own".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8beqth/friends_sometimes_ask_me_hows_your_love_life_going/
%
Three conspiracy theorist walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bemg7/three_conspiracy_theorist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"
Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."
Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"
Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bek7r/a_man_was_sitting_in_traffic_when_a_cop_knocked/
%
I'm always the funniest person in the room

^(It does get a bit lonely)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bej3l/im_always_the_funniest_person_in_the_room/
%
A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nodded.
“I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8behee/a_terribly_overweight_blonde_woman_goes_to_her/
%
What's the world's least spoken language?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8befa8/whats_the_worlds_least_spoken_language/
%
An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

“Where did you get such a rocking bike?” asked the first.
The second engineer replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'”
The first engineer nodded approvingly “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8beege/an_engineering_student_is_walking_on_campus_one/
%
I always thought air was free

...until I bought a bag of potato chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bed6y/i_always_thought_air_was_free/
%
They threw me in jail for singing too much Elton John...

I’m not sure when I’ll get out, but I think it’s gonna be a long, long time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8becuu/they_threw_me_in_jail_for_singing_too_much_elton/
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A woman decides to go on a photo safari in Africa. She takes her pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies, and before long the little dog discovers it’s lost.
Suddenly the dog sees a hungry leopard bounding toward it. The dachshund thinks, I’m in deep trouble now!
But then it notices some bones on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on them.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly,
“Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts its attack. With a look of terror, it slinks away into the trees.
“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey that had seen the whole thing decides to put this knowledge to good use,
trading it for protection from the leopard.
The monkey goes to tell the leopard it has been duped. The leopard is furious.
“Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on its back, and thinks, Uh-oh, what am I going to do now?
But instead of running, the dog sits down with its back to its attackers, pretending it hasn’t seen them yet.
As the leopard and monkey get close enough to hear, the dachshund says,
“Where’s that monkey? I sent it off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8be5nt/a_woman_decides_to_go_on_a_photo_safari_in_africa/
%
What do doctors call a tiny heart?

Kevin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8be47h/what_do_doctors_call_a_tiny_heart/
%
My part-time waitress girlfriend wants to buy nothing but designer outfits...

.. I told her to "act her wage".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8be40a/my_parttime_waitress_girlfriend_wants_to_buy/
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What did the Hershey’s bar, the marshmallow, and the cookie use to communicate?

S’mores Code

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8be3r6/what_did_the_hersheys_bar_the_marshmallow_and_the/
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Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8be3jw/reporter_excuse_me_may_i_interview_you/
%
Once there were three turtles.

One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8be2z6/once_there_were_three_turtles/
%
My brother went down in history,

On another occasion he fingered a girl in geography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8be1yt/my_brother_went_down_in_history/
%
So this young man was born without any ears...

Despite his disability, he worked hard and eventually became the hiring manager for a large corporation.  One day he is interviewing candidates for a position. Always self-conscious, he asks first candidate "so, do you notice anything strange about me?" The candidate right away replies, "well of course, you obviously don't have any ears!" The manager turns red and tells the candidate angrily that this interview is over. He calls in the next candidate and can immediately feel the man staring at him. "What?!" he asks. The candidate says "Uh nothing...except you don't have any ears" The manager again ends the interview and asks the man to leave. Perturbed, he calls a 3rd candidate into his office. He starts again by asking "do you notice anything different about me?" The candidate says "Well yes, I can see you wear contact lenses" The manager calms down and says "That is true, how were you able to tell that just by looking?" The candidate replies "BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKIN' EARS TO HANG YOUR GLASSES ON!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bdzar/so_this_young_man_was_born_without_any_ears/
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If I got 5 dollars for every gender

I'd have $10 and a lot of counterfeit money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bdxg7/if_i_got_5_dollars_for_every_gender/
%
A small boy parks his bike near the senate and walks on...

.. A policeman stops him and asks: 'Why did you park your bike here? Don't you know about this road? Many important politicians, cabinet members, even the President and other such politicians pass through here..'
The boy replied innocently: Don't worry, I have locked my bike.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bdw4j/a_small_boy_parks_his_bike_near_the_senate_and/
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Whiskey business

Two Chinese crooks break into a distillery.
One crook says to the other, "Is this whiskey?"
The other one replies, "Yes, but not as whiskey as  wobbing a bank!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bdqn2/whiskey_business/
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The other day, I got thrown through a window with no glass.

It was pane-less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bdo9p/the_other_day_i_got_thrown_through_a_window_with/
%
I like my women how I like my chocolate:

without nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bdk7k/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_chocolate/
%
A guy surprises his fiance by having her name tattooed on his penis.

In flowing script it says, "Wendy."
On their Jamaican honeymoon, he uses a public bathroom and sees a Jamaican man who seems to have the same name tattooed on his penis. The husband asks, "So your girl's name is Wendy, too?"
The guy looks down at his penis and says, "No, once de wrinkles come out, it says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon! Have a nice day.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bdjzg/a_guy_surprises_his_fiance_by_having_her_name/
%
Hellen Keller walks into a bar

And then a chair, and then a table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bdhz4/hellen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What is a lesbian’s favorite ice cream?

A Klondike Bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bd8x3/what_is_a_lesbians_favorite_ice_cream/
%
What is the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bd8jb/what_is_the_opposite_of_christopher_walken/
%
What do a hockey player and an Amish woman have in common?

They both shower after the third period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bd6cc/what_do_a_hockey_player_and_an_amish_woman_have/
%
Why did the scientist's results show that the Earth was flat?

Rounding error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bd41a/why_did_the_scientists_results_show_that_the/
%
Chicken and a Horse

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bd38r/chicken_and_a_horse/
%
I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bcwe2/i_was_chopping_up_onions_and_my_kids_started_to/
%
My wife and I were happy for twenty years

Then we met

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bcu0g/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_twenty_years/
%
I’m surprised the University of Alabama doesn’t offer a major in archaeology.

I heard they are really into relative dating out there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bcsgq/im_surprised_the_university_of_alabama_doesnt/
%
Did you hear about the chef that got locked out of the kitchen?

He had gnocchi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bcptd/did_you_hear_about_the_chef_that_got_locked_out/
%
I call my penis Tom Cruise.

It does all its own stunts, has questionable beliefs, and I have to use camera tricks to make it look taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bcih5/i_call_my_penis_tom_cruise/
%
A mountain is not funny

It is hill-areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bcgwb/a_mountain_is_not_funny/
%
A couple of policeman tried to arrest me for wearing a pair of humongous bear gloves.

I told them to check the Second Amendment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bccwm/a_couple_of_policeman_tried_to_arrest_me_for/
%
How to fall down the stairs

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 6
Step 12
Step 24

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bcb79/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
%
You can't plant flowers...

...if you haven't botany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bc4pj/you_cant_plant_flowers/
%
I had four cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

I just had the largest vowel movement...
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bc0v2/i_had_four_cans_of_alphabet_soup_yesterday/
%
Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bbztf/why_dont_churches_have_wifi/
%
2 test tubes

‘We have two test tubes here,’ said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. ‘They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates the active ingredients in male spermatozoa. If I mix them in this aseptic glass container a new human life will be conceived. Now any questions?’
‘Could you possibly give us a demonstration?’ asked an awed member of the audience.
‘I’m sorry, not tonight,’ said the professor, ‘Solution A has a headache!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bbsx8/2_test_tubes/
%
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bbsat/during_my_prostate_exam_i_asked_the_doctor_where/
%
If your uncle Jack helped you off a horse,

Would you help your uncle jack off a horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bbmnf/if_your_uncle_jack_helped_you_off_a_horse/
%
I haven't seen much steak jokes.

They're pretty rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bbkxx/i_havent_seen_much_steak_jokes/
%
My Vietnamese coworker slipped and fell in a puddle of oil.

I was going to make a racist joke about it but decided against it, because that's a slippery slope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bbkmb/my_vietnamese_coworker_slipped_and_fell_in_a/
%
They took a poll one day about womens’ legs...

Around 6% said they liked fat legs...
Around 3% said they liked skinny legs
The other 91% said they preferred something in between.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bbkdt/they_took_a_poll_one_day_about_womens_legs/
%
A man takes a week long trip out to the Western part of the United States to do some hunting.

As he arrives at the lodge where they’re staying, he and his buddies start getting hungry. They go into this little diner where the waitress takes their order.
As the man is ordering he realizes an odd tattoo on the women’s inner thigh that leads up her skirt. The tattoo looked like a squiggly line or an “S.”  The man asks the lady what the tattoo is and she responds with, “I can’t really show you that.” The man leaves a big tip and hints at her but she refuses to show him.
They go to the diner everyday for the week because they are up in the mountains with nowhere else to eat. Everyday the man leaves a bigger tip than the previous day, but the women continues to tell him no. At this point, his buddies are also in on it because they are just as intrigued as he is.
On his last day, he tells the waitress that this is their last day before they head home and that they won’t be back for a long time. She says nothing and walks back behind the counter. As the man is leaving a tip, she comes over and say, “I’ll show you the tattoo but you can’t tell anyone that I let you see.”
She lifts up the skirt to show nothing but what looks like a small tail. All of them are confused and looking at each other when she finally looks down and says, “Well doesn’t that suck. It used to be a mouse but I guess my pussy ate it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bb9wu/a_man_takes_a_week_long_trip_out_to_the_western/
%
What did the Indian say to his mom when he left for college?

Mumbai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bb7wl/what_did_the_indian_say_to_his_mom_when_he_left/
%
Three German men in a pub

Three German men were sitting in a pub, they all ordered some water.
End of joke, go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bb3s7/three_german_men_in_a_pub/
%
Guy and genie in a bottle

Guy finds a bottle and opens it. Out comes the ghost and says:
"I will grant you 3 wishes but there's a catch...for every wish you make every politician in the world gets double of that."
And the guy says: "I want a Ferrari"
Ghost: "Done, plus 2 for each politician"
Guy: "I want 10 million dollars"
Ghost: "Done, plus 20 million for each politician"
Guy: "I always wanted to donate a kidney"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bb2l5/guy_and_genie_in_a_bottle/
%
How does a pimp greet his prostitutes that are midgets?

Hi ho.
Hi ho.
It's off to work we go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bb2gg/how_does_a_pimp_greet_his_prostitutes_that_are/
%
Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:
“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”
The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.
The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”
To which the husband replies:
“They had eggs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8baxnd/wife_sends_her_programmer_husband_grocery_shopping/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*gagging noises*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bax2w/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3 square meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bavqa/why_did_7_eat_9/
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?

Because his wife is dead!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bassb/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_can/
%
Have you heard of the new movie "Constapation"?

No?
Probably because it hasn't come out yet.
Told to me by a kid in elementary school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8barwu/have_you_heard_of_the_new_movie_constapation/
%
A man knocks on the door and asks the woman " Do you have a vagina? "

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.
Man: Do you have a vagina?
Woman slams the door in disgust
The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question
Man: do you have a vagina?
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again".
The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this"
The man asks again " do you have a vagina?"
Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? "
The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bamjy/a_man_knocks_on_the_door_and_asks_the_woman_do/
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Einstien has to present at a scientific conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bal8h/einstien_has_to_present_at_a_scientific_conference/
%
"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa."
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
Edit. a word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bajhh/son_i_found_a_condom_in_your_room/
%
A distressed but attractive woman

stands at the top of a cliff trying to get together the nerve to jump.
A passing hobo stops and asks "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, do you mind if we have sex first?"
The woman replies, "Get away from me you sicko"
As the hobo turns and walks away he mutters "fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom then"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8bair2/a_distressed_but_attractive_woman/
%
What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A piiig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8badt4/what_do_you_call_a_pig_with_three_eyes/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ba8u8/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
A lion is walking in a forest...

Suddenly, he hears a scream: "help! Help!"
The lions goes towards the scream and sees a little mouse, stuck inside a hole who tells him: "if you get me out of this hole, i promise i will help you!"
The lions says: "oh well... " the lion stands up on his rear legs, puts down his little johnson and lets the mouse hold on, getting him out of his hole.
Some day later, the lion gets stuck in a hole, and screams:"help! Help!".
The mouse hears him and tells him: "wait a second!".
5 minutes later, the lion hears a sound and sees the mouse on a harley davidson motorcycle, throwing out a rope and pulling him up.
Moral: if you have a big dick, you dont need a motorcycle.
Sorry for grammar, as my native language is not English.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ba54p/a_lion_is_walking_in_a_forest/
%
A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some condoms

. She asks, ''What size please?'' ''Good question," he replies, " I'm not sure," ''Tell ya what. Right outside, there's a fence with three holes in it, stick your dick in the holes and tell me which one it fits in,'' suggests the lady. So he takes her advice, goes outside and puts his dick in the first hole. A woman walks past, see's his dick and starts feeling it. The man thinks, ''Hey, this ain't too bad.'' Then he puts his dick in the second hole, another woman walks by, and gives him a blow job. At this point, he is literally blown away. He quickly shoves his dick in the last hole, and yet another woman walks by, and she starts to shag him. After they are done rocking, he high-steps it back inside and goes to the counter. The assistant asks ''What size then?'' "Forget the condoms," says the man, "how much for the fence?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b9uix/a_man_strolls_into_a_pharmacy_and_asks_the/
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How do you make Holy Water?

You boil the HELL out of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b9qge/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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An old man stopped me on the street to tell me this.

How do you get five sweet, kind, angelic, Christian, old ladies to swear like sailors?
Have a 6th one say "BINGO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b9qe6/an_old_man_stopped_me_on_the_street_to_tell_me/
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What does a Muslim child say after being caught stealing for the second time?

Look ma, no hands!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b9mht/what_does_a_muslim_child_say_after_being_caught/
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I began reading a horror novel in brail.

Something bad is about to happen I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b9gdz/i_began_reading_a_horror_novel_in_brail/
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What do you call it when a Spanish person enters your property without permission?

Trespacito

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b98i8/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_spanish_person_enters/
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At the hospital on the battlefield

A severely wounded General was carried in. The doctor immediately started operate on the general in attempt to save his life.
During the surgery, the nurse had an uncanny face and acted odd. All of a sudden, the nurse took out a knife and stabbed the doctor. While crying, the nurse said, "I'm sorry doctor! You've always treated me well. But I'm actually a spy and I cannot let you save this man!"
While holding on to his wound, the doctor replied, "wtf, why didn't you just stab the General instead?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b97vh/at_the_hospital_on_the_battlefield/
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The other day, my friend told me his penis was so big that it went from A to Z.

I told him to stop putting his dick on his keyboard or I'm never fixing his computer again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b95h6/the_other_day_my_friend_told_me_his_penis_was_so/
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What do you call a pregnant woman?

A body builder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b94gp/what_do_you_call_a_pregnant_woman/
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If your name is Fred and you live in Flint Michigan and you're about to smoke a bowl....

...does that mean you're freddy to get flint-stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b8zju/if_your_name_is_fred_and_you_live_in_flint/
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A woman says to her husband after sex-"Oh honey.. Its not the size of the boat, its the motion of the ocean!"

He looks up and yells
"Well it takes a long fucking time to get to England in a canoe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b8x4h/a_woman_says_to_her_husband_after_sexoh_honey_its/
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The Canadian president is an idiot

People often say I'm wrong but it's Trudeau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b8sur/the_canadian_president_is_an_idiot/
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b8sti/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
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Winter Vacation

After being snowbound for two weeks, a Buffalo man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip in Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Buffalo's was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the email address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen :
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b8qzb/winter_vacation/
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Some Christians, Jews and Muslims decide to settle once and for all whose God is real

They decide to each send someone to jump from a cliff while shouting their God's name to prove it and if the jumper survives then their God is indeed real
Muslims decide to go first then the Jews followed finally by Christians.
The lone Muslim man selected by his people stands on the edge of the cliff nervous, says a little prayer and jumps as his fellow Muslims watch on.
Alone he weakly goes: "Allaaaaaaaaaaah"
All of a sudden a wind sweeps him up and he lands safely. The Muslims are ecstatic.
Immediately a robotic alien voice is heard booming from the sky.
"Team Allah: Score 1. Next turn belongs to the Jewish God's followers."
After the amazement & confusion subsides a dozen more Jewish followers join their friend on the cliff, say a prayer and jump while the rest of the Jewish congregation anxiously watch on
Together they go: "YAHWEEEEEEEEEEEEEH"
Again a wind sweeps all 13 Jews to safety while their congregation cheers with relief.
The voice comes back on
"Team Yahweh: Score 13. Team Allah eliminated". Immediately a lightning strikes all the Muslims and they disappear.
After a brief silence the overhead voice booms: "Next turn belongs to followers of Christ. If they beat score 13 they win"
The Christians who are shocked by what they just saw collect themselves for the challenge and one by one everyone gathers at the edge of the cliff.
Without any hesitation everyone jumps together with a shout that shakes the heaven:
"**JESU-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-US**"
At once all of them fall flat to the ground one on top of the other.
After a moment of silence the overhead voice booms "It's pronounced Yeshua. Team Yeshua disqualified."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b8lj2/some_christians_jews_and_muslims_decide_to_settle/
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A man is passing through a small town and sees a horse tied up in front of a bar

There's a sign next to the horse that says "Make this horse laugh, win $500 and free drinks for the night"
The man decides to give it a shot. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear.
The horse bursts out laughing.
The bartender is shocked and begrudgingly pays the man and gives him a night of free drinks.
The man wakes up the next morning and continues on with his journey.
On his way back home, this man sees a new sign next to this horse that reads "Make this horse cry, win $1,000 and free drinks for two nights."
Having been successful the first time, the man walks up to the horse and a few moments later the horse is sobbing.
The bartender is pissed that the same man won his contest both times. He pays up and starts pouring beer for him.
After a few drinks, the bartender breaks and says "look, I'm losing a lot of money on this. You have to tell me how you did it."
The man finishes his beer and says with a grin, "Last week, i told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This week, i proved it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b8jgg/a_man_is_passing_through_a_small_town_and_sees_a/
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KFC

A man from KFC arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Holiness, we have a deal for you.  If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church."
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the KFC man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'"
Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the man from KFC says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken," and he leaves.
The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion.  The bad news is that we are losing the Wonder Bread account!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b8isc/kfc/
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You might be a redneck

If you think an Xbox is where you sign on the divorce papers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b8d64/you_might_be_a_redneck/
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A cowboy is riding around his ranch checking on his livestock when he comes across an old Indian…

They say hello to each other then the Indian says, "mind if I have a chat with your dog?"
The cowboy looks at him quizzically but decides to humor him and says, "Sure, go right ahead. But that dog can't talk."
So the old Indian says to the dog, "Hey there, this guy treating you right?"
And the dog replies, "He treats me real good. He takes me on long walks, feeds me great food, and takes me down to the creek once a week to have a bath."
The cowboy is astonished and stares at his dog in awe. Next, the old Indian says, "Mind if I talk with your horse now?"
The cowboy, regaining some composure, says, "whatever, that horse can't talk."
So the Indian asks the horse, "This guy treat you right?"
"Sure does, he rides me regularly, brushes me often, and puts a blanket on me when it's cold."
The cowboy removes his hat and whistles softly through his teeth. The old Indian turns to him and says, "You're a good guy, you clearly care for your animals. Mind if I speak with the sheep next?"
The cowboy turns white and says, "That sheep's a fucking liar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b8bjc/a_cowboy_is_riding_around_his_ranch_checking_on/
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If it’s a Russian pun battle you want...

Soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b88m1/if_its_a_russian_pun_battle_you_want/
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Just to brighten your day....

The urge to sing “A Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away.. a whim away... a whim away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b86iv/just_to_brighten_your_day/
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Jack the Ripper and a lovely young lady were taking a stroll through the woods together...

as it started getting darker, the lady got closer to Jack the Ripper and said, "Stay close to me, I'm scared of the dark!"  Jack replied, "You're scared?  I'm the one who has to walk home alone!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b85nv/jack_the_ripper_and_a_lovely_young_lady_were/
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How do Welsh farmers find their sheep in the long grass?

Delightful!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b85df/how_do_welsh_farmers_find_their_sheep_in_the_long/
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Did you see Nicholas Sparks released a cookbook?

A Wok to Remember

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b82ga/did_you_see_nicholas_sparks_released_a_cookbook/
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Last night on CSI they found semen in a dead woman's ear.

I guess she heard her killer coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b80nc/last_night_on_csi_they_found_semen_in_a_dead/
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Silent Actor

**Young Actor:** "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."
**Father:** "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b7yet/silent_actor/
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Two cannibals are walking on a beach...

..where they find a washed up body. They are excited about finding dinner, but they don’t have any knives with them to cut it up to share.
“I know” said Greg, “I will eat from the head, you will eat from the feet. When we meet in the middle we will have had half each.”
“Great plan.” Says Tony and they start their feast.
After a few minutes, Greg stops munching on the head.
Greg: “How are you going down there?”
Tony: “Absolutely fantastic, I’m having a ball!”
Greg: “Stop eating so quickly, you greedy bastard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b7xfw/two_cannibals_are_walking_on_a_beach/
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Even with all the terms there are today to describe one's gender orientation, there still wasn't one that fit me. So, I created my own: tri-sexual.

I really would like to try it someday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b7vt7/even_with_all_the_terms_there_are_today_to/
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What do you call an Egyptian back specialist?

A Cairo-practor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b7v9e/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_back_specialist/
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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b7u22/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_going_down/
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I like my girlfriends to be how I like my coffees.

Without other people's dicks in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b7nya/i_like_my_girlfriends_to_be_how_i_like_my_coffees/
%
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b7kjs/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
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Dark Humour is like food...

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b7jh3/dark_humour_is_like_food/
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What was old is new

A man living in ancient Egypt had a great idea for a business: he would pay couriers to deliver messages professionally inscribed on stone slabs to people all over the kingdom.  For a small fee, people could have an important message written down and sent anywhere on the Nile.  It swiftly took off as people enjoyed sharing their thoughts.
The problem was, delivering stone slabs was becoming more expensive.  As more and more people took advantage of his service, couriers began to charge more and more for carting around heavy stone blocks.  Writing space was at a premium and scribes increase their rates per word with the growing popularity.  He needed to reduce costs and decided to contact an acquaintance who lived in the lower kingdom.
"My friend,
I have come up with a most novel business venture.  It is called slabbing, where you can have a message hand-crafted and delivered anywhere in the land!  Send a slab, receive a slab, write a slab, anywhere in the kingdom!  I wish to include you in this endeavor to share in these profits.  Please slab your response with haste so that we may begin arrangements."
After paying the scribe and the courier, he waited eagerly for the response.  As he lived in the upper delta region, it would take weeks, maybe even months, for a reply to come back.  When the courier knocked at his door, he was giddy with excitement.
To this day, archaeologists are puzzled by a mural depicting a man being beaten to death with a stone slab inscribed with the letter "k."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b7gdr/what_was_old_is_new/
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What does a man with a 12 inch penis have for breakfast?

Well, today I had waffles, 2 fried eggs, bacon and a cup of coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b7eya/what_does_a_man_with_a_12_inch_penis_have_for/
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An American visits an Irish bar.

Having heard about the drinking habits of the Irish he challenges the Irish:
"I'll give 100$ if any of you can drink 10 pints back-to-back!!"
No one takes the bet, but a man leaves immediately.
After 30 minutes the man returns, approaches the American and asks if the bet is still up. The American excited to see if the rumors are true nods his head.
The bartender brings 10 pints of beer and sure enough the Irishman downs them all as if they were water.
A bit suspicious the American hands over the 100$ dollar and says:
"Very impressive! May I ask though why you had to leave for half an hour before taking the bet?"
The Irishman then laughs and says:
"Oh, I didn't want to look like a wee fool, so I went to another bar to make sure I could do it first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b7dsh/an_american_visits_an_irish_bar/
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A grandpa is complaining that their generation relies too much on their technology.

They reply, “No, you generation relies too much on technology. And we can prove it.”
He replies, “What are you talking about?”, as they slowly unplug his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b7c3a/a_grandpa_is_complaining_that_their_generation/
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That's a nice sham you've set up

It'd be a shame if someone....
added an e

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b7bke/thats_a_nice_sham_youve_set_up/
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Two Infantry Officers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up....

A technician walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole', said one officer, 'But we don't have a ladder."
The technician said, 'Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.'
He loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
He then took  measuring tape from their toolbox, took the  measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
The second officer shook his head and laughed and said:  "Look at this bloody civilian, We needed the height and this fool gave us the length!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b7aek/two_infantry_officers_were_standing_at_the_base/
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My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b78z2/my_wife_asked_if_i_would_donate_my_kidney_to_her/
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The IT man

One of Microsoft’s finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b78f8/the_it_man/
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How can you tell if someone is new to working in the restaurant industry?

They're washing their hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b78f0/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_new_to_working_in/
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b76lo/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
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Two hunters were walking in the woods...

One of them stops and says, "Whoa, whoa! Watch out for that hole!".
They both stop and look down what appears to be the deepest hole they'd ever seen, right in the ground in front of them.
"How deep is that?", one of them asks the other.
"I dunno, let's throw something down and see".
They spot a rusty old anvil a couple metres from the hole, so drag it closer to the hole and drop it in.
Even after moments, they don't hear the anvil hit the bottom.
Looking at each other in disbelief, they suddenly hear the fast thuds of an animal approaching.
Looking around, they both see a goat run past them at top speed, and dive down the hole.
"Becky! Becky!"
The two hunters see a farmer running out of the bushes and asks, "Have you guys seen a goat anywhere?"
"Yes!", the first hunter replies, "We just saw it jump down that hole!".
"But that's impossible!", the farmer replies, "I had her chained to an anvil!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b762o/two_hunters_were_walking_in_the_woods/
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{vintage joke} 1988 Cape Town : 2 white men and one black man are being transported in a prison van

They were silent for a long time until one white man said "5 years"
The others looked at him
"5 years for molesting a woman " continued the white man "The judge said I should be lucky that the police stopped me earlier or else he would have given me 10 years for rape"
"15 years" said the second white man " For assault and battery.The judge said I should be lucky that the police stopped me earlier or else he would have given me 30 years for murder"
There was silence and then the black man finally spoke
"Lifetime"
The others looked at him with horror
"Lifetime imprisonment for riding a bicycle without turning on the headlight,The judge said I should be lucky that the police stopped me earlier or else he would have given me death sentence for riding without headlight during nighttime"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b746o/vintage_joke_1988_cape_town_2_white_men_and_one/
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Why is "o" the noisiest vowel?

All the others are in audible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b73wx/why_is_o_the_noisiest_vowel/
%
I was fired from the keyboard factory today,

I wasn’t putting in enough shifts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b72z1/i_was_fired_from_the_keyboard_factory_today/
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Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.

A little confused he asked "where am I?"
Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"
"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself
slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b72ge/harry_potter_woke_up_in_a_hospital/
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I just got caught breaking two of my dad's favorite queen records

Now I want to break three

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b71tk/i_just_got_caught_breaking_two_of_my_dads/
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Jewish kid: Hey dad can I borrow $50?

Dad: What $40, what would you possibly need $30 for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b71c3/jewish_kid_hey_dad_can_i_borrow_50/
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What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?

Hey ladies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b70sh/what_did_the_blind_man_say_when_he_passed_the/
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The doctor says to the patient: 'I'm not sure what the problem is sir, but it's probably the alcohol.'

No problem doc, I'll come back when you're sober.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6zzv/the_doctor_says_to_the_patient_im_not_sure_what/
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You guys ever heard of a horoscope?

It's like a telescope but it can only see your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6y6a/you_guys_ever_heard_of_a_horoscope/
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Dyslexia

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6xin/dyslexia/
%
I had trouble getting drunk off the coast of East Africa

Turns out Zanzibar is sans a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6wce/i_had_trouble_getting_drunk_off_the_coast_of_east/
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I tried to get a handjob from a blind girl last night.

After a few tries, I got it into her hand.
She said: “Sorry I don’t smoke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6uoc/i_tried_to_get_a_handjob_from_a_blind_girl_last/
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I'm going to open a dollar store in England

It'll be called Pound Town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6u56/im_going_to_open_a_dollar_store_in_england/
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If Jesus Christ died for our sins...

then who died for our cos and tans?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6tmv/if_jesus_christ_died_for_our_sins/
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It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.
They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.
"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.
"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, as he finishes his measurements.
The flea steps back, slightly disheartened, and the tailor starts measuring the spider.
"Wow, you're legs are laughably short for a spider". He says, as he finishes sizing him up.
The spider steps aside unhappily, and he measures up the rat.
"Your teeth are disgustingly yellow", he tells him as he finishes up the job.
Disgruntled, the three of them walk out of the store, empty handed.
A few months pass and the amount of small jungle creatures coming to the store gets smaller by the day.
"I just don't understand", the tailor says to his shop assistant, "it seems I am no good at this anymore".
The shop assistant replies, "Well, maybe you need to quit critter sizing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6qhm/it_was_just_another_day_in_the_jungle_and_the/
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If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6pxt/if_i_ever_find_out_the_name_of_the_surgeon_that/
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A guy goes to the cemetery with his kids

As he is about to move a headstone, nearby passer-by asks him politely what is he doing. To that he responds "I'm just dropping off the kids at Grandma's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6pve/a_guy_goes_to_the_cemetery_with_his_kids/
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My uncle converted to Christianity

My uncles and I were out one day getting our bagels and gefilte fish and we noticed the placard. “$1,000 to convert!”
Well, being the shrewd mensches we are we decide one of us should go ahead and check. Uncle Hersch draws the short straw so he goes in.
We wait.
And wait.
Still waiting...
Still waiting...
Finally, he comes out with a brand new crucifix around his neck.
“Herschel!” We said! “What happened in there?”
“I found the Lord.”
“Okay. Aaaand?”
“My eternal soul is now saved.”
“Okay... Aaaaaaaaannnnd?”
“My soul is now bathed in the light and salvation of Jesus Christ.”
“Jesus Hersch, did you get the money or not?!”
“Money?! Is that all you fucking Jews care about?”
...
What can I say? This Jew loves him some Jew jokes. If you have any good ones, send ‘em to this Jew right here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6nd6/my_uncle_converted_to_christianity/
%
How did 10 die?

He was caught in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6lk2/how_did_10_die/
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Italian guy on a bus

Sitting on a bus in New York, a prim old lady was shocked to overhear an Italian say to another, "Emma come-a first.  I come-a next.  Two ass-a come-a together.  I come-a again.  Two ass-a come-a together again. I come-a once more.  Peepee twice.  Then I come-a for the last time."
When the Italian was finished, the red faced old maid turned to a policeman sitting nearby and said, "Are you not going to arrest that terrible old man?"
"What for?" asked the policeman.  "For spelling Mississippi?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6jxn/italian_guy_on_a_bus/
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The comedian

Once there was a very popular comedian named Thomas. He was well-known throughout the world, and was frequently invited to talk shows and events to perform.
The thing that made him stand out from the other comedians is that his jokes were extremely offensive. When you attend a Thomas show, you're gonna get insulted. But, this is why the world loved him. He could hurl insults at an astonishing pace, and had racist jokes up his sleeve for every occasion. He enjoyed his job, and the people enjoyed him.
However, a lesser known fact about Thomas is that he had a brother named Steve. As kids, they loved to tell jokes to each other, but Steve was much kinder, and told more harmless, family-friendly jokes. While thomas dropped out of college to pursue his comedy career, Steve decided to continue to study.
One day, he was having a difficult time making his audience laugh. His jokes barely squeezed out a chuckle at all from the crowd. Suddenly, he saw a familliar face. It was Steve! Right when he had his break, he quickly ran up to him.
"My brother! Its so good to see you again. What have you been up to these days?" Thomas asked.
"Ah nothing much. Once I finished college, I got a job at some studio. Say, would you mind if I went up to crack a few jokes? I think I know how to make these guys laugh." Steve replied.
"Be my guest! Head right on up the stage."
When Steve got onto the stage and started speaking, an amazing thing happened. The audience was laughing much louder than when Thomas was on stage! After every joke, roars of laughed followed. But Steve's jokes weren't insults! In fact, they were lovely compliments, yet the crowd seemed to absolutely adore Steve's jokes.
At the end of the show, Steve took a bow and left. Thomas hurriedly went up to him.
"Steve! That was incredible! How ever did you make them laugh like that?" Thomas exclaimed.
"Simple," Steve began,"these people are redditors, and I instantly knew..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6jvc/the_comedian/
%
Why didn't the Romans find algebra very difficult?

Because X was always 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6jlu/why_didnt_the_romans_find_algebra_very_difficult/
%
3 men were stuck on a deserted island 10kms off shore.

The first informed the others “We’ve been here 3 days now, it’s time I swim back before it’s too late.”
He swam and swam but after 4kms his arms gave up, he couldn’t keep his head above water and drowned.
The second thought they were better than the first and also attempted to swim back, but after 7kms he also drowned.
The last, left stranded, believed he could make it and so also swam. He swam and swam but after 9kms, he felt too tired, so turned around and swam back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6ily/3_men_were_stuck_on_a_deserted_island_10kms_off/
%
An aeroplane is about to crash...

As an aeroplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothes and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6hq7/an_aeroplane_is_about_to_crash/
%
Blind man goes to the doctor

Man: "Doctor Iam blind !"
Doctor:" I see"
Man: "Good for you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6ggl/blind_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Father: Son, you were adopted.

Son: I fucking knew it! Bring me to my real parents right now!
Father: Don’t be an idiot, we are your biological parents. Now take your shit and meet your new parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6f9o/father_son_you_were_adopted/
%
Thug life?

Drop the T and bring it here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6dgv/thug_life/
%
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet..

You can hide, but you can't run.
^Credit ^to ^Milton ^Jones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6b9s/to_the_man_on_crutches_dressed_in_camouflage_who/
%
Woman gets hit by a car...

How'd the car get into the kitchen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b6a40/woman_gets_hit_by_a_car/
%
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway..

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b66qk/a_cop_pulls_a_car_over_for_going_20_mph_on_the/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson was taking the train

one day when they passed a huge flock of sheep in a field. As quickly as they had observed the fluffy cloud it had passed out of view.
"So many sheep!" Watson exclaimed. "I wonder how many there were?"
"Elementary, Dear Watson. There were 167 sheep." Sherlock calmly stated.
"Holmes, are you really telling me you managed to count them all in that brief moment?" Watson inquired.
"Don't be silly, Watson. I counted the legs and divided by four."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b65xm/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_was_taking_the_train/
%
My mum laughed at me when I said I was gonna make a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b64vf/my_mum_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_was_gonna_make/
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my friend bought tickets for the super bowl Llll on February 3rd 2019 in Atlanta not realizing that it is also the day of his marriage. so if someone is interested

The church is in Rochester, the womens name is Clarissa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b64l5/my_friend_bought_tickets_for_the_super_bowl_llll/
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How do you know if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b5yp5/how_do_you_know_if_your_wife_is_dead/
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A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b5yoi/a_young_artist_exhibits_his_work_for_the_first/
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Brilliant Student

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b5x4q/brilliant_student/
%
Why did the chicken cross the powerpoint presentation?

To get to the other slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b5s0q/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_powerpoint/
%
An old rich Corsican is about to die

According to the tradition, the most lazy son inherits all wealth
"Come here, Paul", morigan says
The eldest one comes to him
"Yes, father"
"Imagine you see 500 francs and the wind blows it away. What will you do?"
"I won't do nothing. Why should I tire if there's no need?"
"Good boy. Good boy"
"Come here, Michelle", tycoon tells the second one to come
"Yes,father"
"Imagine that a naked passionate woman want to embrace you. What will you do?
"I won't make a movement. I don't want to get exhausted if there's no need"
"Good boy, good boy"
Finally, dying corsican addresses the third son
"Come here, Fransisco"
"No, you come to me"
Sorry for grammar, English isn't my native language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b5pwg/an_old_rich_corsican_is_about_to_die/
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Since this year they launched the iPhone 8/X

We'll probably get to see 9/11 next year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b5opd/since_this_year_they_launched_the_iphone_8x/
%
If you can think of a better fishing joke...

Let minnow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b5mei/if_you_can_think_of_a_better_fishing_joke/
%
What is the longest word in the English language?

SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b5ko8/what_is_the_longest_word_in_the_english_language/
%
The flat earth society has its own Facebook page

With thousands of members from all around the globe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b5hvz/the_flat_earth_society_has_its_own_facebook_page/
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My wife walked in on me...

Blow drying my dick and balls in the shower.
What are you doing? She asked.
Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not an appropriate response.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b5cup/my_wife_walked_in_on_me/
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I’m going to open a combination brothel/snack shop

I’ll name it Whore D’oeuvres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b55zv/im_going_to_open_a_combination_brothelsnack_shop/
%
Why do midgets laugh when they run?

The grass tickles their balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b53cw/why_do_midgets_laugh_when_they_run/
%
A dog attacks a little girl

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: - "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read in the newspapers: Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!"
- "Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the morning: Brave American saves life of little girl."
- "But I am not an American!" says the man.
- "Oh, where are you from then?"
- "I am from Iraq".
So the next day newspapers reads "Dangerous Islamic terrorist kills innocent American dog in front of a little girl".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b4xwn/a_dog_attacks_a_little_girl/
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A man called his mother in Florida.

"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b4wyd/a_man_called_his_mother_in_florida/
%
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You've probably seen our posters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b4wff/i_used_to_be_in_a_band_called_missing_cat/
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A newlywed couple go on an African safari...

They come upon an indigenous people most notably characterized by their unusually long penises.
Noticing his wife's amusement, he decides to ask the tour guide for some pointers.
"For one year, during their youth, they tie on a heavy rock and don't remove it, " says the guide.
Now, back at home, the man decides to give it a go..
A week later the wife excitedly asks, "How's my big man? Any luck?"
The man replies, "Its not any longer, but it has turned black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b4qu0/a_newlywed_couple_go_on_an_african_safari/
%
A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.
"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."
At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.
The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."
"Yes, that's true." says the old pilot. "But these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b4pxe/a_world_war_ii_spitfire_pilot_is_speaking_in_a/
%
What's Mario's overalls made of?

Denim denim denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b4omg/whats_marios_overalls_made_of/
%
A talking duck walks into a bar

He walks up and orders a shot of whiskey because he’s depressed. The bartender looks at him gobsmacked because he’s a talking duck and then asks why he’s sad.
The duck says “I just lost my job”
The bartender replies “well don’t be sad I know just the perfect place you can apply. The circus has just pulled into town”
The duck replies “what would a circus want with a plasterer?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b4oh7/a_talking_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why are communism jokes so funny?

Because everybody gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b4o32/why_are_communism_jokes_so_funny/
%
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me

It means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b4nig/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
%
My parents always told me if I masturbate I'll go blind.

So I stopped aiming it at my eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b4lcs/my_parents_always_told_me_if_i_masturbate_ill_go/
%
A man goes into the doctor with a head of lettuce sticking out of his butt.

"That looks nasty," says the doctor.
"Well," says the man "That's just the tip of the iceberg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b4iwa/a_man_goes_into_the_doctor_with_a_head_of_lettuce/
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Medical science still does not have a cure for premature ejaculation.

But researchers say it's coming quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b4gig/medical_science_still_does_not_have_a_cure_for/
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I like how...

My dog can walk on me all she wants when Im laying down but when I do it to her Im suddenly a terrible person who should see a psychiatrist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b4eeq/i_like_how/
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A fly dropped six inches...

A fly is flying lazily over a river. The fly drops down 6 inches closer to the water.  A fish in the river sees the fly and thinks to himself, “hey that fly just dropped 6 inches, I bet it's now close enough to where I can jump up and eat it!”
There's a bear on the bank of the river, the bear thinks “hey that fly just dropped down 6 inches! The fish will jump up and get the fly, which will give me a chance to get the fish!”
There's a hunter on the other side of the river, and he thinks to himself “hey that fly drops six inches! That fish is going to get the fly, the Bear's going to go get the fish and it'll be close enough just to where I can shoot the bear!”
There is a rat behind the Hunter, the rat thinks to himself, “Hey! that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish is going to get the fly, the Bear's going to get the fish, the hunters going to shoot the bear, and he'll be too distracted to see me grab that sandwich!”
Well the hunter is a big cat lover and insists on taking his cat everywhere he goes including this hunting trip. The cat creeps up being the rat and he thinks to himself, “Hey that fly just dropped 6 inches, the fish is going to get the fly, the Bear's going to get the fish, my owner is going to shoot the bear and he'll be too distracted to see that rat get a sandwich well I'm not going to let that happen so I'll kill the rat!”
So it finally happens! The fly drops 6 inches, the fish jumped up and ate the fly, making him close enough for the bear to run forward and grab the fish. Seeing his chance the hunter shoots the bear and while distracted the rat tries to steal his sandwich! The Hunter's cat jumps forward to kill the rat when the rat ducks and the cat lands in the river.
It just goes to show you whenever a fly drop 6inches, a pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b4773/a_fly_dropped_six_inches/
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What is the flat earthers greatest fear?

A well rounded argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b44ur/what_is_the_flat_earthers_greatest_fear/
%
What kind of shoes does Voldemort force his prostitutes to wear?

Whore Crocs
(I’m sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b44l2/what_kind_of_shoes_does_voldemort_force_his/
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I can’t remember the 25th letter of the alphabet.

I don’t know y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b41in/i_cant_remember_the_25th_letter_of_the_alphabet/
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M.A.G.A.

My Attorney Got Arrested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b41ev/maga/
%
German Coast Guard

A Canadian ship is passing thru European waters. Suddenly, disaster strikes and they begin to take on water. The captain, in a panic, gets on his radio to send out an S.O.S. The only response he hears is the heavy accent of the German coast guard speaking broken English.
Captain: “This is a Canadian merchant vessel requesting assistance!”
Coast Guard:”Yes, dis is za German coast guard. Vat is you emergency?”
Captain:”We are sinking, I repeat, we are sinking”
Coast Guard:”Good ya, Vat are you sinking about?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b3ww3/german_coast_guard/
%
Where do tormented people sleep?

In despair bedroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b3oxm/where_do_tormented_people_sleep/
%
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office

. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next three months, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b3mfr/a_woman_accompanied_her_husband_to_the_doctors/
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What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger says, "Hey you, get off of my cloud," but a Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b3fsa/whats_the_difference_between_mick_jagger_and_a/
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And the Lord said into John, "Come fourth and you will receive eternal life"

But he came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b3f7k/and_the_lord_said_into_john_come_fourth_and_you/
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I was fired from the keyboard factory

I didn't put in enough shifts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b398g/i_was_fired_from_the_keyboard_factory/
%
Masturbating

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b30wt/masturbating/
%
Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b3099/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_clickbait/
%
I must be addicted to sleep...

I just can't seem to get enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2zna/i_must_be_addicted_to_sleep/
%
A physicist sees a man standing on the edge of a building

He yells to him "Don't do it, you have so much potential"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2yw8/a_physicist_sees_a_man_standing_on_the_edge_of_a/
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I got in touch with my inner self today.

Note to self, never get the 1 ply toilet paper again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2xsf/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
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A young man worked in the porn industry to pay his way through dental hygienist school.

After graduating he took a job in a dentist office.  One day a familiar looking woman arrived for a cleaning.  Upon examination, he couldn’t help but notice her extremely white teeth.  Suddenly he realized how he knew her.  She had been one of his costars known for catching semen in her mouth.   The hygienist completed his work without mentioning their prior encounter.  Before the dentist arrived, the woman asked the hygienist if he noticed anything unusual about her teeth. The hygienist replied “no problems, but wow, you have the whitest teeth I’ve ever cum across!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2wu1/a_young_man_worked_in_the_porn_industry_to_pay/
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The 3 Bears

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
"It was Momma Bear who got up first",
"It was Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house",
"It was Momma Bear who made the Coffee",
"It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away,
"It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,
"It was Momma Bear who set the table,
"It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...
I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2wkl/the_3_bears/
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Did you know diarrhea is genetic?

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2pbe/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_genetic/
%
A cop pulled me over and said, “Papers?”

I said, “scissors, I win,” and drove off.
He must have wanted a rematch because he has been chasing me for 45 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2p52/a_cop_pulled_me_over_and_said_papers/
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Where do transgender people use the bathroom when they get old?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2mj9/where_do_transgender_people_use_the_bathroom_when/
%
Bob:"What do you call a person who has poor hearing?"

**Joe:** "what?"
**Bob:** "I SAID WHAT DO YOU CALL A PERSON WHO HAS POOR HEARING"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2m62/bobwhat_do_you_call_a_person_who_has_poor_hearing/
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TIL There's a brief quiz that can predict your favorite wine. Take the quiz to see your ideal wine match.

1) What is your favorite wine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2jd1/til_theres_a_brief_quiz_that_can_predict_your/
%
Late one night three leprechauns were sitting around a camp fire....

The first leprechaun says to the second, “nobody believes in leprechauns anymore. We don’t get to grant any wishes or hide our gold.  We need to do something to get people believing again.”
The three of them sit quietly for a few minutes trying to come up with and idea. Eventually the first one speaks up.
“I’ve got it. I’ve probably got the smallest hands in the entire world. I’ll get in the Guinness book and people will start believing again. “
The second one pipes up and says “I’ve probably got the smallest feet in the entire world and I’ll get in the book as well and people will really start believing. “
The third finally chimes in and says “I hate to admit it but I probably have the smallest penis in the entire world and I could get in the book too.”
The next day the three leprechauns head to the offices of the Guinness book of world records. The first goes in and comes back out 15 minutes later. “I did it. I did it. I’ve got the smallest hands in the entire world. The second one rushes in and comes back out 15 minutes later. I did it too. I’ve got the smallest feet in the entire world.
Excited by the success of his friends, the third leprechaun rushes into the office but comes back out only 2 minutes later and says “Who the hell is Donald Trump?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2j6j/late_one_night_three_leprechauns_were_sitting/
%
I used to work in a parasol company and I've gotta tell you,

it was some shady business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2j1n/i_used_to_work_in_a_parasol_company_and_ive_gotta/
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What has 4 letters, sometimes 9, and never 5.

Hint: I didn’t ask a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2e8m/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_9_and_never_5/
%
A blind man asked a young girl what ‘milk’ is...

The young girl replied, “Why, milk is a white drink.”
“Now I know what a drink is,” the blind man responded, “but what is white?”
“Oh, white is the colour of a swan’s feathers.”
“Feathers... I know what they are, but what is a swan?”
“A swan is a bird with a crooked neck.”
“I know what a neck is, but what do you mean by crooked?”
The girl realised the discussion could go on for a while, so instead she guided the blind man’s arm, straightened it, and said “There, now your arm is straight.” She then bent the arm at the elbow, and said, “And now, your arm is crooked, like a swan’s neck.”
The blind man happily exclaimed “Thank Christ! Now I know what milk is!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2d3a/a_blind_man_asked_a_young_girl_what_milk_is/
%
A German man dressed as a Russian runs up to a urinal...

As he approaches the urinal, he unzips his pants as he is in a hurry. Right as he gets to the urinal, he exclaims "ARGH! I've pissed on my boots!" The man standing next to him then says, "Vell, das what you get for trying to be Russian ven European"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b29la/a_german_man_dressed_as_a_russian_runs_up_to_a/
%
Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.
After a few months of testing and training, he was ready for his first mission. The cat was to embark on a journey to Saturn's moon, Titan, to discover if life would be sustainable...
The rocket prepares for take off.
5...
.
4...
.
3...
.
2...
.
1...
.
**BLAST OFF!!**
.
**UP**
.
UP
.
Up
.
up
.
^up
.
^^up
.
^^^up
.
...and **POW** the cat bursts through Earth's atmosphere and begins his journey as the first feline in outer space.
A few weeks go by, and after a while the cat starts to get bored. He spots a red planet nearby, and although he tries to resist the temptation, he sets the shuttle on a new course. Before Houston could stop him, he lands on Mars.
Houston sends a probe to investigate what the hell the cat was up to and why he decided to venture so far off course.
The probe gets to Mars and finds tracks, which lead it to an area of wreckage and signs of a fight.
The cat is dead, flat as a pancake on the ground and a robot, once sent to explore Mars, had cat remains trodden into its tracks.
It was clear... Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b28kt/nasa_was_experimenting_with_different_animals_in/
%
(dad joke) A Dad was helping his daughter study for her drivers permit test.

Dad: What do you when the light is green?
Daughter: Go.
Dad: What do you do when the light is red?
Daughter: Stop.
Dad: What do you do when the light is yellow?
Daughter: Slow down
Dad: **WWHHHAAATTTT DDOOOO YOUUUUU DOOOO WHEEEENNNN THEEEEE LIIIIIIIIGHTTT TURRRRNNNSSSS YELLLOOOOOW?**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b289c/dad_joke_a_dad_was_helping_his_daughter_study_for/
%
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies, “I’m around in the back yard, on your swing set.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b2689/a_man_is_in_bed_with_his_wife_when_there_is_a/
%
Two women are talking

And the first one says:"I caught my husband wanking in the kitchen once." The second one asked:"So what did you do?". -"Well I gave him a blowjob.". -"How come", asked the second one surprised. "Well", replied the first, "it's easier for me to clean my mouth than to clean the kitchen floor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b24ff/two_women_are_talking/
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Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

One has a sticker that says "I-da-ho".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b241n/two_potatoes_are_standing_on_a_street_corner_how/
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[long] A tourist goes to see the bullfight in Spain

After the matador disposed of the bull and the fight was over, he started to feel quite peckish. He spied a restaurant with a sign "BULLFIGHT SPECIAL" he was seated, and asked his waiter about the special and if it was an authentic Spanish dish or for tourists, to which the waiter responded, it's amazing it's very authentic, I guarantee you will love it. The tourist says "what the heck, I'm on vacation" and orders the special. The special come out a platter of beautiful garnish with dual mounds of meat in the middle, and with much fanfare it is served. The tourist eats it and it is the best meal of his life. After leaving a big tip he goes on his way. Years later he has a stop over in Madrid, and does not have time to see a bullfight as it's a quick layover, but he really wants to try the BULLFIGHT SPECIAL again, so he takes a cab to the area in hopes the the restaurant is still there and behold it is! He goes in sits and immediately orders the BULLFIGHT SPECIAL. The waiter looks at him and says "are you sure?" The tourist insists so the waiter calls out, "one special!". When the dish arrives there waiter plops it down in front on the tourist, minimal garnish, two tiny amounts of meat, the tourist shrugs, strange he thinks and proceeds to eat there worst meal in his life. When he is done he calls the waiter over and asks, " what happened? A few years ago the special was the best meal I ever had and now it's the worst!!" The waiter replies "well sometimes the matador wins......... Sometimes the bull wins"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b23bv/long_a_tourist_goes_to_see_the_bullfight_in_spain/
%
[NSFW] Little Johnny runs up to his dad after school and asks him,

"Dad, is it ok for me to stroke other people's pets?"
"Yes Johnny, as long as they say its alright".
"Then, is it alright for me to show my friends around our chicken farm?" asks Johnny
"Um, I don't see why not." replies his dad.
"Great! See ya."
"Where are you going?"
"Gotta run Dad, Susie said that if I show her my cock, she'll let me play with her pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b1zop/nsfw_little_johnny_runs_up_to_his_dad_after/
%
What did DNA say to RNA?

No U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b1vvd/what_did_dna_say_to_rna/
%
A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.

"Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"
"Oh yeah, he shit my pants, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b1vfi/a_drunk_walks_into_a_bar_orders_a_shot_and_and/
%
A german visits France...

and he gets picked for a random check at the customs:
- Name?
- Albert Schmidt.
- Nationalite?
- German.
- Occupation? (In a French accent)
- No no, just visiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b1trr/a_german_visits_france/
%
Three men on a Cannibal Island

Three people were stranded on a canable island. And the Cannibal king stands before the three, and says " I'll give you a chance to spare yourselves from becoming the next main course. Go find ten pieces of fruit, bring them to me, and I'll explain the next test."
So, the three set off to find ten pieces of fruit. The first one comes back and says "I have brought before you ten apples."
The king looks at him right in the eye and says, "I want you to shove them up your butt without making a face, and only then will I set you free."
With some hesitation the first man starts to perform his task...
One...two... and he winced.
Sure enough, the king snapped his figures, and the first man was chopped up and cooked up for dinner.
The second man comes before the king, "I have brought ten blueberries."
The same response left the king's mouth," I want you to shove them up your butt without making a face, and only the will I set you free."
One two three for five six seven eight...... and he laughed!
With the quick snap of his fingers, the second man was chopped up and cooked up for the next meal.
The two men meet up in heaven, and the first man asked the second man, " what in the world happened?? You could of made it off the island and told our families what happened to all of us! What in the world was so funny that caused you to laugh?"
The second man shrugged and said, " I saw the third guy carrying pineapples..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b1s7f/three_men_on_a_cannibal_island/
%
How do you silence an Italian?

Bind him by the wrists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b1o4k/how_do_you_silence_an_italian/
%
Guys who worry about the size of their penis

Suffer from wangsiety

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b1myf/guys_who_worry_about_the_size_of_their_penis/
%
My son gets upset when I slap his hands.

If he doesn’t like having his hands slapped he should stop blocking his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b1luv/my_son_gets_upset_when_i_slap_his_hands/
%
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b1eeg/what_is_pacmans_favorite_cooking_utensil/
%
Mom, how come I still haven't had my period?

"I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was only 13!"
"Listen to me, Brian, you’re not EVER going to get your damn period."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b1cp8/mom_how_come_i_still_havent_had_my_period/
%
So there's three friends & they share an apartment at the top of a skyscraper that's 300 stories tall.

One day, after a night out on the town, they drive home. The three friends walk through the
revolving doors and into the lavish lobby of the skyscraper, and then to the elevator. One of the
friends presses the button to go up, but nothing happens. Another friend chimes in, "Perhaps it's
on a highup floor. We should wait a bit more for it to come down,". So they wait for 5 minutes, but
again nothing happens. The last friend, tired of waiting, goes to the front desk and ask why the
elevator isn't working. The attendant replies, "Oh. The elevator is out of order. You'll have to use
the stairs,". The man returns to his friends and says, "We'll have to use the elevator guys,".
The rest of them curse and say, "Climbing 300 flights of stairs, no way! I'm already so tired."
He replies, "Well, we have no other option!" and they all reluctantly agree. As they begin climbing
the stairs, one of the friends suggests that to pass the time, they tell stories while climbing
the stairs. So, they agree that for the first 100 flights of stairs, one of the friends will
have to tell a funny story. For the next 100 flights, the next friend will have to tell a scary story.
Finally, for the final 100 flights, the last friend will tell a sad story. So, for the first 100
flights of stairs, one of the friends tells a funny story and they all burst out laughing.
Then, for the next 100 fights, another friend tells a scary story. Then, they keep on climbing
until they're a few steps from their apartment. Then, one friend asks the other, "Hey, weren't you
supposed to tell a sad story? Let's hear it", and he replies, "I left the keys in the car".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b1b5v/so_theres_three_friends_they_share_an_apartment/
%
I tried to post on r/jokes

I got an error message. It said error message 737678.
Post was not a repost. Please try again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b16d2/i_tried_to_post_on_rjokes/
%
Only 2 things are certain in this world -

Death, taxes, and my inability to count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b16d5/only_2_things_are_certain_in_this_world/
%
This absolutely stunning girl catches me looking at her so she walks up to me and says "I'll fuck you for $100".

This girl was way out of my league so I went into my wallet and practically threw the $100 at her. The girl folds it up and places it in her pocket, and before walking away she simply says "You just got fucked".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b154q/this_absolutely_stunning_girl_catches_me_looking/
%
Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

Because people kept talking behind his back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b13q7/why_did_the_taxi_driver_quit_his_job/
%
Recurring dreams

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says “Dr. you have to help me, I keep having these recurring dreams.  One night I dream that I am a wigwam and the next night I dream I am a teepee. It alternates one night wigwam, one night teepee. “.  The psychiatrist says “I think I know what your problem is. You are too tense.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b13ol/recurring_dreams/
%
How does a midget chef say hi from a distance?

He microwaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b0ui4/how_does_a_midget_chef_say_hi_from_a_distance/
%
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I M LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b0tr4/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_and_500/
%
My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b0pk4/my_girlfriend_just_admitted_she_used_to_be_a/
%
You know what's really odd?

Numbers divisible by 2
That joke was so bad I can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b0o6k/you_know_whats_really_odd/
%
Two brothers enlisting in the Army

were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long penises.
“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
“It’s hereditary, sir,” replied the older brother.
“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”
“No, sir, our mother.”
“Your mother?” said the doctor. “Don’t be so ridiculous! Women don’t have penises!”
“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b0mno/two_brothers_enlisting_in_the_army/
%
Karl Marx dies and stands trial before St. Peter.

St. Peter: "The ideas you preach have brought misery to billions. I send you to the deepest pits of Hell!"
After a few months Satan calls God:
Satan: "God, please remove Marx from my realm as soon as  possible."
God: "Why would I do that? He is a sinner, his fate is to burn in Hell."
Satan: "He is creating great turmoil! First he made all the imps pioneers, then he started to unite the devils into labor unions, and now he's preparing a revolution!"
God agrees to take Marx in Heaven so that all Hell does not break loose. After a few months Satan calls God again:
Satan: "Hey, God, how's it going?"
God: "First of all, comrade Satan, you are to address me properly as "comrade God". Second, I do not have time since Marx has urgently called me to a party session, and third, there is no God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b0loj/karl_marx_dies_and_stands_trial_before_st_peter/
%
I don’t have sex with my sister because it’s unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it’s kinky,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b0kvz/i_dont_have_sex_with_my_sister_because_its/
%
Just heard about a Rabbi who was terrible at circumcisions.

He got the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b0hwp/just_heard_about_a_rabbi_who_was_terrible_at/
%
An explorer gets captured by an indigenous tribe.

The tribe's chief confronts the Explorer and explains, "we must harvest your skin so that we can make a canoe. For this, you may select a method of death."
The explorer thinks for a moment and asks for a fork.
Confused but interested the chief gets a fork and hands it to the explorer, "why would you choose such an agonizing death?"
The explorer starts frantically stabbing himself all over. He looks the chief and exclaims, "fuck you and your canoe!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b0fpy/an_explorer_gets_captured_by_an_indigenous_tribe/
%
Sign language is quite handy

Saw this pun in /r/showertoughts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b0ddp/sign_language_is_quite_handy/
%
I told my sister I’m into incest.

She took it really hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b0873/i_told_my_sister_im_into_incest/
%
Why do bakeries in Denmark add so much sugar to their pastries?

If they didn't, they would be sweetish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b07n2/why_do_bakeries_in_denmark_add_so_much_sugar_to/
%
My English is so bad

... I once fell down a good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b06s4/my_english_is_so_bad/
%
Donald Trump is an amazing real estate investor.

His New York properties are so hot right now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b05cy/donald_trump_is_an_amazing_real_estate_investor/
%
My English is so bad it made my wife cry. So I pat her on the back and said,

"their their"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b02we/my_english_is_so_bad_it_made_my_wife_cry_so_i_pat/
%
Genders are like the Twin Towers

There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b02se/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
[Long] A Man Raises His Beer...

He says, "I've been a regular here for over 20 years, I bet I could out drink anyone here. A hundred dollars to anybody who can down more beer than me!"
At first a large, bulky man walks up to his table and the bartender begins to serve up the drinks. The crowd watches as both contestants reach 23 drinks, then the large man drops to the ground out cold.
The next day an Irishman walks up to the guy to take up his challenge. The crowd roared as they reached 20... 25... 30 drinks apiece. Then the Irishman dropped his beer on the table and fell to the floor out cold.
The day after that an old man took up the drunkard's challenge. Both of the men reached 57 drinks... until the drunkard dropped to the ground as the old man downed his next drink.
Afterwards the drunk asked the old man what his secret was.
The old man answered, "I've been a Catholic priest for 50 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8b005h/long_a_man_raises_his_beer/
%
Joke from a funeral I went to last weekend

widow: Is there anything anyone would like to say to        the deceased?
man: yes, plethora
widow: thanks, it means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azz2x/joke_from_a_funeral_i_went_to_last_weekend/
%
I met a north African girl the other day

We clicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azyos/i_met_a_north_african_girl_the_other_day/
%
Even now, all this time later, we have to remain calm about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azy64/even_now_all_this_time_later_we_have_to_remain/
%
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients.

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering..........
"You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azxut/a_doctor_had_sex_with_one_of_his_female_patients/
%
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table...

...Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azvp6/at_a_hotel_restaurant_a_man_sees_an_attractive/
%
I sexually identify as the end of a Jedi's penis.

I'm Forcekin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azr33/i_sexually_identify_as_the_end_of_a_jedis_penis/
%
Repost

Sorry meant to put that in the comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azq73/repost/
%
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three.

He says, "Uno, dos..." and with a *poof*, he vanishes without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azon2/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
%
A magician was working on a cruise ship

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azoja/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship/
%
Do you think glass coffins will catch on?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azo0o/do_you_think_glass_coffins_will_catch_on/
%
what do you call an assistant to an assistant Nut?

Co-Co-Nut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aznbh/what_do_you_call_an_assistant_to_an_assistant_nut/
%
How many German engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.  They are really good at technical things, and have no sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azlyd/how_many_german_engineers_does_it_take_to_change/
%
A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane for World tour..

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.
All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.
The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”
“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azlx0/a_group_of_engineering_professors_were_invited_to/
%
A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”
“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”
The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. Grab the spear from the savage next to you, run up to the chief and stab him in the chest.”
So the man, with nothing to lose, grabs the spear from the savage next to him, runs up to the chief and stabs him in the chest.
The man, as he’s standing over the chief who’s now dying in a pool of blood, looks up at the heavens and ask, “Now what, Lord?”
And the voice booms back, “OK. Now you’re fucked.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azlti/a_man_is_flying_a_plane_over_the_amazon_when_he/
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The Biggest Lie

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” “You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azii0/the_biggest_lie/
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I covered my girlfriend in flour, butter,milk, clotted cream and jam.

Boy was she mad... I guess hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azihb/i_covered_my_girlfriend_in_flour_buttermilk/
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Why are hospitals allways so cold?

To keep the vegetables fresh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azgm8/why_are_hospitals_allways_so_cold/
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he?

A seasoned veteran...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azfwe/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
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My girlfriend is so smart!

I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azf2u/my_girlfriend_is_so_smart/
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A man walked into the library

Do you have the new book on small penises?
Sorry, I don't think it's in yet
Yeah, that's the one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azehh/a_man_walked_into_the_library/
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I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night

Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azde1/i_went_to_my_first_fight_club_meeting_last_night/
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Trump, Putin and Kim Jong Un were all fishing on a lake one beautiful summer day.

Putin got hungry so he got out of the boat and walked on water to the shore and bought some sandwiches and walked on water right back and got in the boat.
Trump was amazed at what he saw and for once he was speechless.
Later Kim Jong Un was thirsty so he got out of the boat and walked on water back to the shore and bought some drinks and walked right back over the water and climbed up into the boat and Trump was now in utter disbelief.
Trump starts mumbling to himself and needs to use the bathroom so he decides if they can walk on water then surely he can too.
He announces his intentions and abruptly gets up and and out of the boat and immediately starts flopping around in the water.
Putin turns to Kim Jong Un and asks with sincerity,
"Do you think we should tell him where the rocks are?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azbwt/trump_putin_and_kim_jong_un_were_all_fishing_on_a/
%
I just had a near sex experience...

My wife just flashed before my eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azahy/i_just_had_a_near_sex_experience/
%
I was in a relationship with a blind girl...

It was hard because it took me so long to get her husband’s voice just right.
^by ^Jimmy ^Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8azafw/i_was_in_a_relationship_with_a_blind_girl/
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Time flies like an arrow

Fruit flies like a banana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8az8ql/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
My girl started to cry really loud..

So I figured "perhaps she wants a diaper". I tried putting a diaper on but she just started screaming louder and kicking hard at me.
So I figured "maybe she is tires?". I tried putting her to bed but she just rolled around screaming even louder and throwing stuff at me.
Then I figured it out "she must be hungry!". I put her in front of the food in front of the table and she started eating like never before. Finally she was pleased and happy!...
Jesus... Nobody told me it would be this hard to be married..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8az892/my_girl_started_to_cry_really_loud/
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Our generation was so much nicer... I know because I grew up in Germany...

...and we were all kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8az7zc/our_generation_was_so_much_nicer_i_know_because_i/
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My penis might only be 6 inches

But it smells like a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8az5dr/my_penis_might_only_be_6_inches/
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So there was this extreme bookworm that wanted to cross the river...

He saw a ferry and asked the ferryman if he would ferry the bookworm to the other bank. The ferryman agreed.
Half-way across, the bookworm asked, "Do you read Shakespeare?"
"No," said the ferryman.
"Ha! You have wasted a quarter of your life!" chuckled the bookworm.
A moment later, the bookworm asked, "Have you ever read Keats or any other poems?"
"No," replied the ferryman.
"Ha! Ha! You have wasted half your life!" laughed the bookworm.
A while later, the bookworm asked, "Have you read ANY book whatsoever? Can you even read?"
"No," admitted the ferryman.
"Ha! Ha! Ha! You have wasted three-quarters of your life!" roared the bookworm.
Suddenly, the ferryman's asked, "Can you swim?"
"No."
"You have wasted the entirety of your life. Bye." and the ferryman proceeded to swim away from the sinking boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8az2cl/so_there_was_this_extreme_bookworm_that_wanted_to/
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I went out to the movies last Friday

The girl I was with wanted to go watch that Black Panther movie so naturally it was a bit packed.
While we stood around in the lobby, she leaned in and whispered in my ear, "I want you to grab me and kiss me right now." I was shocked at how bold she was but I couldn't muster up the courage to do so in the middle of a busy movie theater.
She noticed how nervous and shaky I got and said, "don't fucking pussy out on me!" and then shoved me. Everyone began to look and stare as she continued to call me names and yell out, "be a fucking man!"
After 2 minutes of this, I cried my eyes out in the middle of the lobby as everyone stared at me.
"God, you're more of a pussy than your father."
"Shut up, mom! You always do this in public!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8az1qc/i_went_out_to_the_movies_last_friday/
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If I find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant...

I'm going to kill him with my bear hands!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8az1oe/if_i_find_out_the_name_of_the_surgeon_who_messed/
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The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should get the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in union, "Okay, dad. You get the toy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ayxlh/the_father_of_five_children_had_won_a_toy_at_a/
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Two guys were playing golf

, and they were annoyed because there were two women ahead of them playing very slowly. One of the guys decided to ask if they could play through. He walked over about halfway, they suddenly turned around very quickly and came back.
"That was close," he said. "One of those women is my wife, and the other one is my mistress! If they both recognized me, I'd have been in real trouble."
"Don't worry," the other guy said. "I'll go ask if we can play through."
He started over towards them, then he, too, suddenly turned back.
"Talk about your coincidences!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ayth7/two_guys_were_playing_golf/
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What's Ted Nugent's favorite book?

The musicians guide to fingering A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aysg7/whats_ted_nugents_favorite_book/
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What's the difference between a Porcupine and a Porsche?

A Porcupine has pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ayqe4/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ayq3g/a_couple_is_lying_in_bed_the_man_says_i_am_going/
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Everybody here must be a fencer

Because all I see are ripostes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aykz0/everybody_here_must_be_a_fencer/
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Guy at a restaurant orders a soup

Some random guy orders a soup in the restaurant and the waiter brings him the soup. Right after the waiter leaves the table the guy calls him back and says "Try the soup" the waiter asks "What's the matter, is it too salty?" guy says "Go ahead and taste it" and the waiter asks "Is it too spicy?" and the guy says "Just freakin' try it!" and the waiter asks "Where's the spoon?" and the guy answers "Exactly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ayhiy/guy_at_a_restaurant_orders_a_soup/
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What do you call a whore who's good at math?

The thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ayfzj/what_do_you_call_a_whore_whos_good_at_math/
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Did you know pigeons die after sex?

At least the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ayfr8/did_you_know_pigeons_die_after_sex/
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What do you do for a living?

\- I'm an organ dealer.
\- Oh god! Don't you have a heart?
\- Is that criticism or a request?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ayd11/what_do_you_do_for_a_living/
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A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.
"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
"Yes." Says the teacher.
"So it's like a phone? Wouldn't it get a busy signal trying to call itself?"
"No, not like a phone, it's more like-" The teacher starts to explain, but is cut off by the student.
"Is it like a role call? Like when you call your own name?"
"No," the teacher continues "It's not-"
But the student immediately interrupts.
"Like calling a bet? You bet on yourself?"
"No!" The teacher finally blurts. "Look, I can see you're confused. Why don't I tell you a joke my professor taught me..."
He clears his throat and begins.
"A professor is teaching Computer Science 101..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aycc9/a_professor_is_teaching_computer_science_101/
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If a crack forms in your yard

Is it your fault?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ayagt/if_a_crack_forms_in_your_yard/
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What's the difference between your wife and job?

After 5 years your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ay8f6/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_job/
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A man is in a terrible marriage

his wife is a nag, they fight all the time, and the fire has gone out. He goes to a pet store to look for a companion. He's thinking a dog would be good company, but the man behind the counter comes up to him, recognizing the despair the customer is in.
"Hey buddy, I have just the thing for you," he says, chuckling. He leads the man to the counter and pulls out a small cage with a big guinea pig inside. The man is unimpressed, "a guinea pig? My marriage is a sham and I'm lonely. How is a guinea pig going to help?"
The shopkeeper smiles, opens the cage, and places the pig on the counter. It looks up at the man, unzips his fly, and proceeds to give him the best blowjob he's ever had in his entire life. When he's finished, the shopkeeper puts the pig back in the cage, and the man shakily asks "h-how much?". He pays and leaves and heads home with a smile on his face and whistling a tune.
He opens the door, walks into the kitchen, and places the pig's cage onto the counter. His wife grumpily asks "you're such an idiot, why did you buy such a stupid animal?"
The man looks at her and says "teach this to cook and clean, and then get the fuck out".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ay7o3/a_man_is_in_a_terrible_marriage/
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What do you call fake shit?

Shampoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ay711/what_do_you_call_fake_shit/
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Where do fat people live?

Obesity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ay6g5/where_do_fat_people_live/
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My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ay600/my_wife_says_adults_shouldnt_pretend_the_lawn_is/
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V

Sorry lost control there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ay4h5/v/
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Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they can't find home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ay260/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken said....

"dont do it man, you will never hear the end of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8axxvr/a_duck_was_about_to_cross_the_road_when_a_chicken/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8axs8r/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping

trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8axrnu/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_went_on_a_camping/
%
I feed my cat vegan food.

Now some of you may say "but they are predators they need meat." You're right, that's why I feed my cat only the finest vegans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8axo9h/i_feed_my_cat_vegan_food/
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I stalked someone once...

but then they turned left and all I could think was "This isn't right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8axo8h/i_stalked_someone_once/
%
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8axk44/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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“Mom, how come you are white and I’m black ?”

“ well, considering the things I vaguely remember doing in that party , just be lucky that you are not barking “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8axjnj/mom_how_come_you_are_white_and_im_black/
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There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn’t know what to do with him....

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.
The head nurse replied, ”We don’t know what to do with this baby.”
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, “You should put him into a mental institution.”
”Why?’ asked the head nurse.
“Well..." replied the chief surgeon. “Take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8axdlt/there_was_a_baby_born_in_the_hospital_and_he/
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Little Johnny saw his grandpa

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes.
Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?"
His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?"
"No", said Little Johnny.
His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer.
He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?"
His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?"
"No" said Little Johhny.
"Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies.
His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?"
Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?"
His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!"
Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8axcqo/little_johnny_saw_his_grandpa/
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What did Woolworths turn into after it burned down?

Coles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ax1gn/what_did_woolworths_turn_into_after_it_burned_down/
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Two friends fly to spain

They decide to participate in a bullfight.
The first one goes up to the field and the ox runs at him really fast, suddenly a second before the collision, the bull turns on its back and wails in pain, the whole crowd cheers and exultes.
His friend asks him "How did you do it? I would shit myself if I were you!" His friend replies "what do you think made the bull slip?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awyz9/two_friends_fly_to_spain/
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Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate?

They don’t like Fat Man and Little Boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awyrq/why_does_japan_have_a_low_obesity_rate_and_a_low/
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Lazy frog

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awyr9/lazy_frog/
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I told my a very old & close classmate at our 15-year reunion that I'm a Poet. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awxc4/i_told_my_a_very_old_close_classmate_at_our/
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How can you tell if you're upside down?

Your nose is running and you're feet smell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awv67/how_can_you_tell_if_youre_upside_down/
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The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.
edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awt1h/the_most_german_joke_i_know_source_am_german_why/
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Indian weather forecast.

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold
or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern
society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather
was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to
be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told
them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,
"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going
to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of
the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "Those Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awsmz/indian_weather_forecast/
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I called the suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awrhq/i_called_the_suicide_hotline_in_iraq/
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The history of yodeling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him he could sleep in the barn As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'That fellow traveling through needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn,' said the farmer.
The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared a plate of food for him and took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing was disheveled and there was straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested perhaps the man was thirsty. She fetched a bottle of wine and took it out to the barn! And she did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father, as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awlrp/the_history_of_yodeling/
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Interview (casting) :

- Please, list your 1 strong feature
- I'm persistent
- Thank you, we will contact you later
- I'll wait here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awlfl/interview_casting/
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Why didn't the blond dial 911?

She couldn't find the "11"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awi2u/why_didnt_the_blond_dial_911/
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The bartender says: "We don't serve Time Travellers here."

A Time Traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awh3q/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travellers/
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What are you doing?

A Guy urgently needed a few days off work,
But, he knew the Boss would not allow him to leave.
he thought that maybe if he acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell him to take a few days off.
So, he hung upside-down on the ceiling &
Made funny noises.
His co-worker (who's blonde)! asked him what he was doing.
He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb,
So, that the Boss might think he was "Crazy" & give him a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
"What are you doing?"
He told him he was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home & recuperate for a couple of days."
He jumped down & walked out of the office...
When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him,
The Boss asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?!"
She said,
"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awgme/what_are_you_doing/
%
Why did the guitar player get arrested?

For fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awexh/why_did_the_guitar_player_get_arrested/
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Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awerr/three_women_are_discussing_their_teenage_daughters/
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Why doesn't a notebook move?

Because it's a stationary object.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8awd4v/why_doesnt_a_notebook_move/
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A doctor, a lawyer and a statistician go hunting.

After a while they spot a deer. The doctor shoots first missing the shot by a meter to the left. The lawyer proceeds to shoot and misses the shot by a meter to the right.
That's when the statistician throws his gun to the ground, start jumping and cheers "Yaaaayy, we hit it!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aw8wo/a_doctor_a_lawyer_and_a_statistician_go_hunting/
%
I hate the blacks.

#I have an absolute hatred for blacks.
They've contributed *nothing* to our society as a whole, and our lives would be **that** much better without them, becoming the general idea of a nuisance whenever I come across one.
If I were to take a small sample containing even 1 black, it would effectively contaminate the entire group with it's toxicity, poisoning the community around them, a plague on their surroundings.
I say we make a radical movement to eradicate all blacks, all evidence of blacks, and any culture that revolves around blacks.
Sure, some may have some respect for them, but the general consensus is in disagreement.
Personally, I believe that whoever came up with the idea of a licorice jellybean deserves to be shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aw73q/i_hate_the_blacks/
%
Twelve priests are about to do their final test before being ordained...

In order to confirm their virtue a bell is tied on their penis and they all have to stand in line and watch a naked woman dance in front of them. If the bell rings they have failed and get kicked out of the church.
Eleven priests pass the test but the twelfth fails. The bell rings and falls down. Embarrassed as he is he bends over to pick it up, his robes falls off during the ordeal.. And eleven more bells can be heard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aw6wg/twelve_priests_are_about_to_do_their_final_test/
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The Peanuts.

A guy gets off work relatively early and decides to grab a pint in a bar on the way home. Since it's before the usual after-work hours, the bar is empty. The bartender serves him a pint, and he settles in at the counter, beer in one hand, bowl of bar nuts close by. Just what a working man needs to take the edge off.
Suddenly, he hears a little voice saying, "Hey man, that's a really nice shirt!"
Bewildered, he looks around, but he's the only patron. The bartender is arranging glassware all the way at the end of the bar. The TV is tuned to a football game.
He shakes his head, deciding to ignore the weird incident, and takes another sip of beer.
Sure enough, a few seconds later, he hears the same voice... "No, really, you look great, have you been working out?"
Unable to contain his reaction any longer, he calls the bartender over.
"Listen, buddy, you gotta tell me if I'm going crazy. I keep hearing this voice... do you hear it too?"
The bartender replies, "Hmm.. is it a tiny little voice and it only says nice things?"
The guy says, "Yeah! HOW did you know? That's amazing!"
The bartender nudges the bowl of peanuts closer to the guy and says, "Yeah, it's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aw4sf/the_peanuts/
%
What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aw3z4/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
Harry Potter wakes up in hospital.

"Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor. "You ran face first into a wall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aw283/harry_potter_wakes_up_in_hospital/
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A guy walks into a bar carrying an octopus

The bartender says the the guy "we can't have that octopus in here".
The guys responds, saying "but this is a special octopus - he can play any musical instrument you tell him to"
So the bartender points to the piano and says "get him to play the piano then... and I'll give you a free beer."
The octopus crawls  over to the piano, climbs up onto the stool, and sure enough, he's a musical virtuoso, playing Mozart and Bach with all 8 of his limbs as if he had written the concertos himself.
Still not satisfied, the bartender says "alright - but let's seem him play the trombone over there"
So the octopus crawls over to the trombone, tests it, then starts playing a ragtime dixie tune with it.
So the guy says to the bartender "how about that beer now?"
The bartender, still not satisfied, points to an old set of Scottish bagpipes in the corner and says "one last try - get him to play me a song on the bagpipes".
So the octopus crawls over to the bagpipes, wraps its limbs around it and starts making the worst racket ever. The bagpipes are making awful squawks and groans... the bartender is laughing so hard that the guy asks his octopus "what are you doing? you're supposed to be playing a song on that!"
the octopus looks at him and says "play a song on this? I'm trying to find its pussy so I can screw it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aw23s/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_carrying_an_octopus/
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Yo mama so fat

She left the house in high heels and came back with flip flops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aw1mq/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
A blonde girl walks into a library and loudly exclaims, "I'll have a cheeseburger with fries"

The librarian stares at her questioningly and says, "Madam, this is a library."
The blonde turns red with embarrassment and apologizes.
She leans in and whispers, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8avx35/a_blonde_girl_walks_into_a_library_and_loudly/
%
My grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket were

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8avvvz/my_grandfathers_last_words_before_he_kicked_the/
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Can we start a national walkout for old people who try to pay for things with the exact amount of coins?

I've been waiting for change for too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8avu66/can_we_start_a_national_walkout_for_old_people/
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It’s not that the guy didn’t know how to juggle...

He just didn’t have the balls to do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8avsww/its_not_that_the_guy_didnt_know_how_to_juggle/
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And the Lord said unto John: “Come forth, and receive eternal life”

But John came fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8avnli/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and/
%
I used to go to the Chiropractor once a week...

But I stopped going because I was afraid I’d get addicted to crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8avlk8/i_used_to_go_to_the_chiropractor_once_a_week/
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Some things you just can’t explain.[Long]

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer,
“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”
The farmer shook his head and replied,
“Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
The man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked.
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.
“So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8avj8b/some_things_you_just_cant_explainlong/
%
Why didn't Han Solo want to have sex with Princess Leia?

Her vagina was Luke warm...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8avi8w/why_didnt_han_solo_want_to_have_sex_with_princess/
%
What’s the best part about fingering a gypsy while she is on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8avi4w/whats_the_best_part_about_fingering_a_gypsy_while/
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My Spanish-speaking students got a kick out of this one.

Q: What do you call a person who speaks 3 languages?
A: (Try to elicit responses..) Tri-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
A: (Many of them know this one) Bi-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks one language?
A: An American!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8avhoz/my_spanishspeaking_students_got_a_kick_out_of/
%
Prostate checkup

I went for a checkup and got my prostate examined. I asked him if everything was okay and he said "feels fine to me, but what do I know i'm just your dentist"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8avh5y/prostate_checkup/
%
What is Donald Trump’s favorite breed of dog?

The Mexican Border Collie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8avgqv/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_breed_of_dog/
%
What has a beer belly, but doesn’t drink any beer?

A bear.
(This works best in a Jamaican accent)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8avgpm/what_has_a_beer_belly_but_doesnt_drink_any_beer/
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Three gay men

They are sitting in a hot tub when a large wad of cum floats to the water surface. One of the men says Who farted?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8avejd/three_gay_men/
%
What’s the heaviest noodle in the world?

Wanton Noodles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8av9p7/whats_the_heaviest_noodle_in_the_world/
%
What do you call a baby elephant

An inphant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8av9gp/what_do_you_call_a_baby_elephant/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

You dress her up like an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8av370/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
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Your Honor... this is why the child should be mine...

Husband: Your honor, when you put a penny in a gumball machine, who gets the gumball?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8auz05/your_honor_this_is_why_the_child_should_be_mine/
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So a duck walks into a bank...

When he gets to the teller, he says "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a shake."
The teller says "This is a bank. We don't serve food here." So he turns around and waddles out.
Next day he waits in line for the same teller. When he gets to the front, he says "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a shake"
It's already been a busy day, and she loses her cool, saying "I already told you yesterday, we don't serve food here! We're a BANK! If you waste my time with your stupid request again, I'll nail your feet to the floor!!"
"Ok" he says, and waddles out.
The next day he waddles in again, and the teller says "Hi, how may I help you?"
"Do you have any nails?"
"Of course not, this is a bank"
"Well in that case, I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a shake"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8auy98/so_a_duck_walks_into_a_bank/
%
The other day a Cop pulled me over...

After asking for my documentation he said, "your eyes seem a bit red, have you been doing drugs?" To which I replied, "well now sir your eyes seem a bit glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
We both laughed and laughed some more!
I need bail money!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8auy6e/the_other_day_a_cop_pulled_me_over/
%
There is a terrible head-on collision on a winding Russian road

Both cars, a brand new Mercedes and an old Zhiguli, are absolutely totaled, but fortunately both drivers are relatively unscathed.
The owner of the Mercedes looks sadly at the wreckage and moans, "My brand new car! I was saving money all year to buy it, and here it is, destroyed barely a month later."
The owner of the Zhiguli nods sadly and sighs, "Yeah. I had to save money for 15 years to buy mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8auw9l/there_is_a_terrible_headon_collision_on_a_winding/
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What do you call it when the blood bank makes a spelling error

A type-o

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8auvtx/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_blood_bank_makes_a/
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A little collection of children's unintentional quick wittyness.

TEACHER	: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA			: Here it is.
TEACHER	: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS			: Maria.
____________________________
TEACHER	: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN				: You told me to do it without using the tables.
____________________________
TEACHER	: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile'?
GLENN			: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER	: No, that's wrong.
GLENN			: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________
TEACHER	: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD		: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER	: What are you talking about?
DONALD		: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________________________
TEACHER	: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE			: Me!
____________________________
TEACHER	: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.
MILLIE			: I is...
TEACHER	: No, Millie...... always say, 'I am'.
MILLIE			: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'.
___________________________
TEACHER	: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS				: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
___________________________
TEACHER	: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE			: No sir, It's the same dog.
____________________________
TEACHER	: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD		: A teacher..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8auv8z/a_little_collection_of_childrens_unintentional/
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One Olympian said to another: Are you a pole vaulter?

Reply: No, I’m German. And how did you know my name was Walter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8auupf/one_olympian_said_to_another_are_you_a_pole/
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I’d make a racist joke...

... but your kind wouldn’t get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8auuhl/id_make_a_racist_joke/
%
A blonde woman goes outside and checks her mail.

Her neighbour notices this, and greets her as he does everyday, and the woman returns inside.
Five minutes later, the woman comes back outside to once again check her mail. The neighbour notices this, but thinks nothing of it.
A further five minutes passes by, and yet again the blonde woman comes outside to check her mail. Curious, the neighbour asks the woman why she keeps on coming to check on her mail.
She responds, “My computer says I have mail!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8autow/a_blonde_woman_goes_outside_and_checks_her_mail/
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What’s the definition of a virgin in West Virginia

A 16 year old girl who can still outrun her brothers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aus7q/whats_the_definition_of_a_virgin_in_west_virginia/
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[Blonde] Two blondes arrive at St. Peter...

...and he promises to forgive all sins and enter Paradise only to the one who answers the question correctly. Sv. Peter asked first blonde to tell him what was Easter. The first blonde said, I know, I know ... It's that holiday on the winter, when we decorate a christmas tree in the house and celebrate the birth of baby Jesus! Sv. Peter immediately sent her to hell. The second blonde said, Easter is a Christian holiday that is celebrated in the spring, everything started when after the secret dinner Romans caught Jesus because one of his disciples betrayed him, Romans condemned him to death, made him carry a crown of thorns and crucified him to the cross. When he died, he was buried in the cave and a huge stone was placed on the entrance ... Sv. Peter was impressed, he cant believe what he heard, and she continues: ... And then every spring the stone moves, Jesus goes out and if he sees his shadow, we will have six more weeks of winter ....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aurfm/blonde_two_blondes_arrive_at_st_peter/
%
The thought of going home to my wife makes work much easier for me.

Think of all the stress I avoid by staying in the office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aupr4/the_thought_of_going_home_to_my_wife_makes_work/
%
A blonde woman goes up for helicopter lessons.

She arrives at the air field raring to go.
She does her ground school and heads up in the helicopter with the trainer.
She does well so the trainer decides to let her take it up on her own.
The instructor heads back to the tower and instructs her to take off and head to an area just outside of the airfield.
She takes off flawlessly and is heading in the direction of the clearing.
All of a sudden, the helicopter drops out of the sky and crashes to the ground.
The trainer, horrified, rushes to the scene of the accident. He arrives and sees the blonde pilot walking away from the crash seemingly unscathed.
Flabbergasted, he asks her "Are you alright? What happened?"
She responded, "It gets really cold up there and that giant fan really doesn't help so I decide to turn it off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aupni/a_blonde_woman_goes_up_for_helicopter_lessons/
%
I wish I was bisexual

I'd have twice as many people to reject me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aupds/i_wish_i_was_bisexual/
%
I hate to get into political correctness with y'all, but this just really burns me up.

This a sad example of the witch hunt that's been going on because of the flood of all these sexual abuse allegations.  I have a customer that after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion.  He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in his profession.  Neither of them is even married!  He is still paying off his school loans that he accrued over the years.  What a waste of time, effort, training and money.  This just goes to show you that one minor mistake can now ruin your life in this environment.  Thoughts and prayers to him for the future.
He really is a great guy and was a brilliant veterinarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aup81/i_hate_to_get_into_political_correctness_with/
%
My cat is scared of everything.

He's such a pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aune3/my_cat_is_scared_of_everything/
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What do you you call it when someone bangs a midget?

Bone a petite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aun7z/what_do_you_you_call_it_when_someone_bangs_a/
%
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

They can smell it but can't eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aul33/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_guy/
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Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment.

But when a woman talks dirty to a man it's £2.50/min (charges may vary).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aujbw/such_an_unfair_world_when_a_man_talks_dirty_to_a/
%
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said

a black guy would probably rob me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8auh39/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_racist_thing_i_said/
%
The fastest land animal

is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8auf1t/the_fastest_land_animal/
%
What happened to Vin Diesel when Dwayne Johnson pinned him against a brick wall?

He found himself between The Rock and a hard place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8audda/what_happened_to_vin_diesel_when_dwayne_johnson/
%
How do werewolves attract mates?

They *awoooo* them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aucd4/how_do_werewolves_attract_mates/
%
Mark Zuckerberg values your privacy

at $157 Facebook stock price

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8auc22/mark_zuckerberg_values_your_privacy/
%
Three men are waiting in line at the pearly gates

St. Peter says, "I will hear all three of your stories first, then I will decide who gets into heaven and who goes to hell."
The first guy steps up. "So I have been suspecting that my wife has been cheating on me for awhile now. I decided to come home early one day and I find her naked on the bed. Enraged, I search the whole house for the man until I find him hanging off the railing on the porch. We live on the third story of an apartment building, mind you. I was so mad that I went to grab a hammer and proceeded to smash each of his fingers until he fell. He landed on some bushes so I wheeled the fridge over and toppled it over the railing. It landed on him and killed him. I felt so guilty afterwards that I shot myself in the head."
St. Peter said, "Okay, I'll consider your story. Next."
The second man stepped up, "I was practicing my yoga on my fourth story porch, using the railing as support. I slipped over the railing and fell, but luckily, I caught myself on the railing of the floor below. Then some crazy guy started bashing my fingers in and I fell all the way this time. I prayed to god that I would land on something soft, and I landed on some bushes. Then the man threw his fridge over the railing and it landed on me. That is when I died."
St. Peter said, "Okay, I will consider your story. Next."
The third man stepped up and said, "Okay...imagine me naked in a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8auc1p/three_men_are_waiting_in_line_at_the_pearly_gates/
%
Of course the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia.

Otherwise it would’ve been called the teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aubmw/of_course_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in_west/
%
A man strikes up a conversation with another gentleman who is older he tells him its going to be his 50th wedding anniversary this week

the young man replies wow, that's amazing. tell me what's your secret.
the older gentleman replies well ill tell you, it all started back when we were on our honeymoon. we were at the grand canyon and going to take a mule ride down into the valley. we saddled up and my wife tried to get on the mule and the mule shook her off she brushed herself off and said **that's one**. She managed to get on and we were on our way when the mule suddenly stopped and knocked her purse to the ground. She leaned in and said **that's two**. We made it down to the river and again the mule abruptly stopped and her belongings tumbled to the floor once again. she pulled a revolver out of her purse and shot the mule right there. I said honey what's wrong with you! you must be an insane person to shoot that poor innocent creature. She put the gun back in her purse looked me in the eye and said.....**that's one**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aub8x/a_man_strikes_up_a_conversation_with_another/
%
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.

Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aub49/outside_of_a_dog_a_book_is_mans_best_friend/
%
A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow

his porsche for the night. Dad says "no". But she begs and begs so he comes up with a solution. He says " tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She was taken aback but finally decides that she will look cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. She unzips his pants , put his cock in her mouth, then immediatly stops and starts gagging."Dad your cock tastes like shit " she says. Then dad snaps his fingers in realization and says " that's right , your brother has the car".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8au8bj/a_teenage_girl_goes_to_her_dad_and_asks_if_she/
%
I tried to take a photo of the fog

but I mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8au87t/i_tried_to_take_a_photo_of_the_fog/
%
"Stalin is a fool!"

A man yelled in Red Square. He was arrested by the secret police and sentenced to 25 years. He was given five years for insulting the head of state, and 20 years for revealing classified information.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8au82g/stalin_is_a_fool/
%
A man walks into a pet store

He tells the attendant that he is chasing something a little different, “everyone has dogs and cats and birds and fish, I want something different”
The attendant says “I’ve got just the thing, here, we have a talking centipede”
“Perfect says the man, that sounds great ill take one of those”
He gets the centipede home and says “Mr. Centipede, would you like to go down the pub and have a couple of beers?”
The man gets no response. Maybe he is a little shaken up from the ride home he thinks. I’ll give him 10 mins and ask again.
10 mins later the man says “Would you like head down the pub for a beer?
Again no response. The man thinks to himself. I’ll give him another 15mins and if he doesn’t reply I’m taking him back.
15 mins later the man says to the centipede “mate, do you want to go down the pub for a beer or not?!”
The centipede replies “I’m putting my shoes on, you impatient bastard!”
Edit! I’m an Aussie hence the use of both “Pub and Bastard”
Edit edit - I thought i would keep it a bit cleaner instead of writing what my natural Australian dialect would generally of placed in the position of “Bastard”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8au6i1/a_man_walks_into_a_pet_store/
%
My girlfriend told me she was pregnant and it changed everything...

My name, my phone number, my address.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8au5h1/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_was_pregnant_and_it/
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Birthday Party

A woman is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out..... caterer, band, and even a hired clown.  Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout.  Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.  Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and he eventually calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.  She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous! I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”
Other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8au4fz/birthday_party/
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What’s born with 8 legs, walks on 4 at 2 years old and then only 2 at 20 years old?

George Weasley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8au2pj/whats_born_with_8_legs_walks_on_4_at_2_years_old/
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Illegal immigrant vs. Child molester

If an illegal immigrant fought a child molester, would it be considered alien vs. predator?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8att93/illegal_immigrant_vs_child_molester/
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A man died and went to Hell

One day a guy died and found himself in hell.  As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, “Why so glum?”
The guy responded, “Why do you think? I'm in hell!”
“Hell's not so bad,” the demon said. “We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?”
“Sure,” said the man.  I love to drink.”
“Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, you name it. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!”
The guy is astounded. “Damn, that sounds great.”
“You a smoker?”  the demon asked.
'”You better believe it!”
“You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?”
“Wow,” the guy said, “that's awesome!”
The demon continued. “I bet you like to gamble.”
“Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
“Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.  You into drugs?”
The guy said, “Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean...”
“That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!”
“Wow,”? the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, “I never realized Hell was such a cool place!”
The demon said, “You gay?”
“No.”
'”Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8atpxe/a_man_died_and_went_to_hell/
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My grandmother was a somnambulist who had recurring dreams of coloring Easter eggs

Conveniently, she dyed in her sleep last week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8atoz2/my_grandmother_was_a_somnambulist_who_had/
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A woman is asking her father for advice in her marriage

-Dad, I’m worried about my marriage, I think I want a divorce.
Her dad, worried about her daughter, asks:
-Why? Are you unhappy with your husband, sweetie?
-No, he’s really nice to me, he’s faithful, he’s a good father and takes care of me.
-Then why are you going to break up with him?
-I don’t know how to say this to you dad...
-You can tell me anything sweetie.
-Ok dad. He’s a great husband but he’s obsessed with anal sex. We do it all the time. When we got married my butthole was the same size as a dime, now it’s the same size as a dollar coin.
-So are you telling me you’re going to end your marriage for 90 cents?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8atkuo/a_woman_is_asking_her_father_for_advice_in_her/
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I touched a large battery and got...

...incapacitated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ati3x/i_touched_a_large_battery_and_got/
%
I was gonna start a Debate Club

But I got talked out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8athtf/i_was_gonna_start_a_debate_club/
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Jesus is Watching

A thief breaks into a house and starts to steal some things when he hears a soft voice.
"Jesus is watching you."
He hesitates, but moves farther into the house and keeps stealing.  Louder this time he hears, "Jesus is watching you."
The thief moves into the living room, looking for the voice, and finds a room decked out in Christian pictures, sayings, and sculptures.  In one corner, in front of a massive Jesus on the cross sits a parrot who says, "Jesus is watching you."
The thief laughs and says, "And I suppose your name is Jesus?"
The parrot replies, "No.  My name is Moses.  Jesus is the Rottweiler standing right behind you."
(As told by my 84 year old grandmother before she passed.  Probably a 75 year old joke now, but haven't seen it on here yet.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8atgno/jesus_is_watching/
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A Blonde, Red Head and Brunette

were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away, so in turn they try to swim to the island, the brunette swims 10 km then drowns, the red head swims 30 km then drowns, the blond swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ate5q/a_blonde_red_head_and_brunette/
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Why are the oceans so blue??

Because the islands never wave back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8atblf/why_are_the_oceans_so_blue/
%
I had a hard time learning to read the word "yoyo" in Braille.

I can't put my finger on y...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8atb0j/i_had_a_hard_time_learning_to_read_the_word_yoyo/
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My new girlfriend asked how I feel about period sex.

I told her I just go with the flow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8at6ok/my_new_girlfriend_asked_how_i_feel_about_period/
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LPT: Unplug your electronics to conserve energy, except for the fridge and the life support machine:

In those instances, you'd just be wasting vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8at5ui/lpt_unplug_your_electronics_to_conserve_energy/
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What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jelly my repost down your throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8at4n8/whats_the_difference_between_jelly_and_jam/
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It's a boy

Once little johny was playing in the park when a pregnant woman passes by him.
Little Johny says "So, it's a boy, this time"
Woman, amused, asks him
" How do you know ?"
Little johny replies
" I could see his moustache, through your pant's zipper "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8asyho/its_a_boy/
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered,

Where the hell is my roof?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8asxcy/the_other_night_i_was_lying_in_bed_looking_up_at/
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I don't know why Marvel hasn't tried to put advertisements on the Hulk

He's essentially a giant banner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8asvht/i_dont_know_why_marvel_hasnt_tried_to_put/
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The difference between racism and Asians?

Racism has many faces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8asvai/the_difference_between_racism_and_asians/
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Hello! Police! I was kidnapped by aliens!

"Sir! Are you drunk?"
"Yes, but it's coincidence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8asv85/hello_police_i_was_kidnapped_by_aliens/
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I’ve always looked up to the Pillsbury doughboy.

You could say he’s my roll model.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8asrv0/ive_always_looked_up_to_the_pillsbury_doughboy/
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A friend and I decided to see who would die first after eating a tide pod...

“Now this is pod racing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8asqo1/a_friend_and_i_decided_to_see_who_would_die_first/
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A man living in a village gets sick

The villagers carry him to a doctor in the city. The doctor prescribes him a suppository, and says "Give it from the anus". The villagers say okay, and return to the village. They ask all of the townspeople, but nobody, even the wisest ones don't know what anus means. Only thing they can do is asking the doctor. "We are only common townsfolk, how do we dare disturb the doctor?" they think, but the man is getting worse every minute. Eventually, they call the doctor, and this time he says "put it in his rectum". Again, they ask everyone but nobody knows what rectum is. They have no choice but to call the doctor again. "He is going to be very very angry" they say to each other. After hesitating for a while, someone finally volunteers. Complaining, he calls the doc. After a few seconds, he hangs up the phone, turns towards the townspeople, and says "I said he is going to be furious. He told me to shove it up in his ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8asn8c/a_man_living_in_a_village_gets_sick/
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What's the difference between call girl, girl friend and wife?

Prepaid, postpaid and unlimited

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8asmjx/whats_the_difference_between_call_girl_girl/
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What's your favorite not a dirty joke that you can tell your parents?

Mine (I think I read this one here on Reddit but I'm not sure):
A guy goes to the circus. After the show, he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.
Manager: "Alright, what can you do?"
Guy: "I can do great bird impressions"
Manager: "That's nothing impressive, a lot of people can do that".
"Oh well", the guy says and flies away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8asgxx/whats_your_favorite_not_a_dirty_joke_that_you_can/
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The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.
His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8asgrk/the_armed_grenade_was_under_a_pile_of_chick_peas/
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J: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an ithberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8asgfn/j_how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
I showed a girl my third leg. She blocked me.

I have a bad back so sometimes I use a cane.
So anyway, I found a girl I didn’t know personally and messaged her “Do you want to see my third leg? It’s hard, black, and a lot longer than you’re expecting. I guarantee it.” So she said “Hell yeah! Send it!” So I sent a picture of my cane.
She blocked me.
It’s a true story but I was asked to post it here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8as6ew/i_showed_a_girl_my_third_leg_she_blocked_me/
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Jelly Doughnut

A newly wedded couple were on their honeymoon and were getting busy. They finish and the husband takes the condom off and accidentally throws it out the window.
The wife says “You can’t leave that out there. Go get it.”
So the husband gets dressed and runs outside. He sees a little boy holding up the condom.
The husband says “Hey little boy, that’s my jelly doughnut, can I have that back”
The little boy says “No. Finders keepers.”
The husband says “I’ll give you $1 for it?”
“No”
“I’ll give you $5 for it”
“No”
Finally the husband says “Okay I’ll give you $20 and that’s it”
The little boys agrees and takes the $20 and hands over the condom and runs off home.
When he gets there he says “Mommy!! Mommy!!! I just got $20 off a jelly doughnut I found. The best thing is I already ate all the jelly out of it!!!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8as3e4/jelly_doughnut/
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Some Mexicans were hunting moose in Canada for the first time and their first day out they shot a giant beautiful one with huge antlers.

They each grabbed a side of the antlers and started dragging it back to their truck snagging and catching small trees and bushes and making little progress. A Canadian saw them doing this and told them it would be easier if they dragged the moose by it's feet.
They took his advice and the antlers stopped getting caught on everything when they dragged it.
After awhile one Mexican said to the other
"This works really great but we keep getting further and further away from the truck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8as2o4/some_mexicans_were_hunting_moose_in_canada_for/
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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First class isn’t going to Sydney."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arxxv/a_flight_is_on_its_way_to_sydney_when_a_blonde_in/
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When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arw1i/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
%
I like my compliments like I like my eggs..

Well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8artmb/i_like_my_compliments_like_i_like_my_eggs/
%
Love is blind

'cuz it has no i's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arsoa/love_is_blind/
%
Justin Bieber is like winter.

Kind of cute and exciting in the beginning, but after its all said and done you wish he would have stayed in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arq2v/justin_bieber_is_like_winter/
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Father of one of my kids.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arpyh/father_of_one_of_my_kids/
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Earlier today

A naked woman robbed a bank.
So far no one is able to identify her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arpfj/earlier_today/
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A Boyfriends Revenge

Two high school sweethearts who dated for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her giving her new boyfriend a blowjob and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aro56/a_boyfriends_revenge/
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Getting a joke noticed on /r/jokes is quite difficult.

Luckily, there are always reposters on hand to ~~steal~~ *share* your jokes for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arnfy/getting_a_joke_noticed_on_rjokes_is_quite/
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when she got on the scale

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arlqf/when_she_got_on_the_scale/
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Nobody knows how a Wookiee taste.

Rumor has it that at least one is Chewie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arl5j/nobody_knows_how_a_wookiee_taste/
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It's hard to be friends with kleptomaniacs...

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arita/its_hard_to_be_friends_with_kleptomaniacs/
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I once went to see a show with a Mexican Magician...

... and for his finale he announced he would make himself disappear on the count of the 3.
He yelled " Uno. Dos...." and then disappeared without a tres....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arijn/i_once_went_to_see_a_show_with_a_mexican_magician/
%
Did you hear about the Italian who choked to death on pasta?

His family was terribly sad that he pasta-way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arhr9/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_who_choked_to/
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Why do only 2 Mexicans pass the border once at a time?

Because the sign says no tres-passing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8argfm/why_do_only_2_mexicans_pass_the_border_once_at_a/
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What do you get if you blow up a monkey?

Rhesus Pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arg0k/what_do_you_get_if_you_blow_up_a_monkey/
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Whats the worst thing a woman could do a paraplegic on their the first date?

Stand him up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arfzn/whats_the_worst_thing_a_woman_could_do_a/
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TIL that until it happens to you..you never know what it's like to lose a child.

I also learned I have no idea how to wash a baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8arele/til_that_until_it_happens_to_youyou_never_know/
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What did the Roman that put Jesus on the cross say

Nailed it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ared2/what_did_the_roman_that_put_jesus_on_the_cross_say/
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A young Programmer and his Project Manager

board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”
The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”
The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”
The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8are4b/a_young_programmer_and_his_project_manager/
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What does Nvidia and Donald trump have in common.

They both use hush agreements to silence their "partners"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aratk/what_does_nvidia_and_donald_trump_have_in_common/
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Parking Tickets....

So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ar88u/parking_tickets/
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The server at the sandwich shop said that every sandwich comes with a free pickle.

I said, “That’s a really good dill.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ar7yk/the_server_at_the_sandwich_shop_said_that_every/
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My mom embarassed me me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer"

I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ar64c/my_mom_embarassed_me_me_today_when_one_of_my/
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A married man and his secretary were having an affair...

One afternoon they couldn't control their lustful triggers and they hurried over to her place where they spent the afternoon having steamy passionate sex. Post the two hour long marathon sex they got so tired that they fell asleep  only to wake up at 8 o'clock. Realizing that it had gotten very late, the man rushed to freshen up. As he went, the man bizarrely told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn while he freshened and dressed up. As surprised as she was, she did as she was asked, clueless all along as the man hadn't spent a moment explaining stuff. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door looking clearly upset. In an angry tone, she asked where he'd been for being a full 3 hours late.
The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late".
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and went, "I can see those grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?
EDIT : making -> having

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ar623/a_married_man_and_his_secretary_were_having_an/
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I have the heart of a lion and the legs of a cheetah

Needless to say, the zoo doesn't want me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ar4rc/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion_and_the_legs_of_a/
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For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex.

Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ar38l/for_every_upvote_this_gets_my_girlfriend_and_i/
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If I had a nickle for everytime I had sex..

I would be the worst prostitute ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ar1px/if_i_had_a_nickle_for_everytime_i_had_sex/
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A polack and a czechoslovakian went missing in a forest.

A search party of hunters formed and they went looking for the two and came upon two very large bears mating. They shot and killed the bears and cut the female bear open and found the polack's remains in her belly. One of the hunters replied "I guess the Czech's in the male"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ar173/a_polack_and_a_czechoslovakian_went_missing_in_a/
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Tony Abbott was visiting a Sydney primary school....

....and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Abbott if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy' A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'Incorrect,' said Abbott. 'That would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not explained Abbott, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Abbott searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Hockey, Mr Pyne and Mrs Bishop was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic' exclaimed Abbott, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a accident either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aqz97/tony_abbott_was_visiting_a_sydney_primary_school/
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A married woman has a dream on the night before her anniversary.

She dreams that her husband bought her a gift box.
Inside that box was another box.
Inside that box was another box.
Inside that box was another box.
And inside the fourth box was a glistening diamond ring.
When she wakes up, she tells her husband about the dream, wondering what it entails and if she was foreseeing the future.
That night her husband bought her a gift box.
Inside that box was another box.
Inside that box was another box.
Inside that box was another box.
And inside the fourth box was a book entitled "HOW TO INTERPRET DREAMS".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aqx0r/a_married_woman_has_a_dream_on_the_night_before/
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What is a serial killer's favourite muesli topping?

Chopped dates!!
(first joke I've ever come up with)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aqv9o/what_is_a_serial_killers_favourite_muesli_topping/
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A student visits the principal's office

The principal asks: "What is your name, son?"
The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?"
Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aqtci/a_student_visits_the_principals_office/
%
I'm great at sleeping...

In fact, I can do it with my eyes closed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aqsxu/im_great_at_sleeping/
%
What do you call a fruit that can't get married?

A cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aqr9z/what_do_you_call_a_fruit_that_cant_get_married/
%
What's the difference between a car and a computer?

If you install windows on a car, it crashes less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aqpwx/whats_the_difference_between_a_car_and_a_computer/
%
How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

Nobody knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aqjzw/how_many_environmentalists_does_it_take_to_change/
%
An agent in New York is about to interview a new client.

He looks at the young actors resume. He has great experience, and great training. The young actors enters and he is charming, funny, and very talented. There is just one problem- his name is Penis Von Lesbian.
The agent says, "Look man, I would really love to represent you, I think you have a bright future. But I can't represent someone named Penis Von Lesbian. It is possible you could change your name?
"No I couldn't possibly." Says the actor. "It's an old family name and I couldn't just turn it away."
The agent thanks him for his time, and dismisses him.
"5 years later, the agent receives a check at his office for $10,000. There is a note with the check. It says,
"Years ago I came and auditioned for you. We got along well but you refused to represent me unless I changed my name and I refused. After I left that day, I spent a lot of time considering your suggestion. I decided to change my name and now am a huge success. I felt that I owed you this for your advice and as a way to say thanks.
Sincerely, Dick Van Dyke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aqiwr/an_agent_in_new_york_is_about_to_interview_a_new/
%
A Mozart fanatic visits his tomb in Austria...

John is a gigantic Mozart fanatic. He's listened to every one of his many compositions, paid attention to the melodies and how they were composed, and the thought process of their creation. All that John has left to do is to visit Mozart's tomb.
John travels to Austria and visits his tomb. While he is there, Mozart rises from his tomb. Of course, he's just a skeleton by this point, but it's still Mozart. John knows his proportions when he died, after all. John notices that buried with Mozart is this long lost Mozart symphony!! John approaches Mozart attempting to retrieve it, but just as he approaches, Mozart beings ripping up the papers.
John yells "Mozart! What are you doing!?" Mozart replies "I'm decomposing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aqho9/a_mozart_fanatic_visits_his_tomb_in_austria/
%
I'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days

Excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aqgvd/im_giving_up_spreadsheets_for_forty_days/
%
A scientist's kid is born without a hand

So, he makes him a bionic one, so he doesn't have to live without it. Since it was a disability he decided to make it his son's strength instead and made it 10x as strong as a normal human one. One day, the son decided to become a scientist himself but wanted to earn the money so his father didn't have to pay for school, so he decides to join the Marine Corp. But, when he gets back from MEPS he has a sad and distraught look on his face and tells his father that he can't join. His father, furious that he can't follow his dream snatches the medical papers and begins to look through them.
"Well, your hearing isn't the problem."
Your vision is fine.
Ah, here it is! Body inspection!
Patient comes in, hand is metal-- not natural-- fail."
"He didn't let you join for that? Didn't you demonstrate it works completely fine?"
"Yes father, keep reading"
His head droops further.
"Wait, patient insists I should let him demonstrate.
WOW! This hand is amazing! Why, I've never seen anything like it! He passes!
I thought you said they failed you?"
"They did father, keep reading"
"Okay, the hand is completely fine. Continuing, no marks or deformations of any kind. Last portion, FAIL-- WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS KID'S PENIS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aqeyl/a_scientists_kid_is_born_without_a_hand/
%
A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aqew0/a_single_sperm_has_375_mb_of_dna_information_in/
%
What did the nuclear warhead say to the beach?

Sorry I can't tell you; that's glassified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aq5me/what_did_the_nuclear_warhead_say_to_the_beach/
%
A gorilla was strolling through the jungle when he came upon a lion sinking in a pool of quicksand

"Save me, gorilla!" shouted the lion. "Drowning in the quicksand is no way for the king of the jungle to die!"
The gorilla quickly grabbed the lion by the rear and started pounding him in the ass.
When he finished he yanked the lion from the quicksand, tossed him as far as he could, and ran for his life.
The lion was furious and gave chase. The gorilla had to die before anybody could find out what happened.
After time the gorilla could run no more and the lion was gaining on him. He quickly sat down on a log, crossed his legs, and opened a newspaper to cover his face.
A split second later, there was the lion.
"Excuse me, sir, did you happen to see a gorilla run by?"
The gorilla couldn't help himself.
"Oh, you mean the one that ass fucked the king of the jungle?"
"Oh God!" roared the lion "It's in the paper ALREADY?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aq4wh/a_gorilla_was_strolling_through_the_jungle_when/
%
Why did the singer of System of a Down open a restaurant?

Because of his self-righteous soup and sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aq4rz/why_did_the_singer_of_system_of_a_down_open_a/
%
Sometimes I wish that I was a physics Professor named Albert

and that occasional situations would arise where somebody would come fetch me for consultation. I would burst into the room wearing a terry aerobics headband and exclaim, "did somebody say let's get physics Al?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aq3xt/sometimes_i_wish_that_i_was_a_physics_professor/
%
How do married Jedi split up?

By using Di Force

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aq1uq/how_do_married_jedi_split_up/
%
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

Because if they had four it'd be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aq08f/why_do_chicken_coops_only_have_two_doors/
%
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aq01a/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
An old lady went to a bank...

An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money...
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”
The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.” She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent. But she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"
The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000”
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account. The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8apyga/an_old_lady_went_to_a_bank/
%
When you market TV shows and movies in other countries, it's not uncommon to change the title in order to appeal to the local population.

For example, the Chinese title for "Black Mirror" is "Really Cool Ideas".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8apx8z/when_you_market_tv_shows_and_movies_in_other/
%
Why can Kevin Spacey never win a race?

He always comes in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8apuzq/why_can_kevin_spacey_never_win_a_race/
%
Men always try to look at a woman's heart

It's not our problem that boobs are on the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8apter/men_always_try_to_look_at_a_womans_heart/
%
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aptdt/an_elderly_couple_is_in_church_the_wife_says_to/
%
When someone says "Rape jokes aren't funny," I don't care.

It's not like I asked for their consent anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8apshs/when_someone_says_rape_jokes_arent_funny_i_dont/
%
If a midget tells you that your hair smells nice,

is that sexual harassment?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aps7k/if_a_midget_tells_you_that_your_hair_smells_nice/
%
My wallet is just like an onion

I cry every time I open it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8apqw1/my_wallet_is_just_like_an_onion/
%
What's the slogan for Burger King in Israel?

Have it Yahweh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8apnn1/whats_the_slogan_for_burger_king_in_israel/
%
One day, God and Adam were talking in the Garden Of Eden...

“God?”
“Yes, Adam.”
“I’m lonely.”
“Yes. And I’ve given this some thought. What if I told you I could make you a companion? She would be a lot like you, but different in many ways. She would think just like you think. She would never disagree with you. She would support your every decision and never give you a hard time if you mess up. She’d be very beautiful to look upon and meet all your desires. She’d cook for you, clean for you and bear all your children without ever complaining.”
“I think I’d like that very much, God. But what would you need from me to make this happen?”
“All I’d need would be your left eye, your right hand, your right kneecap and your spleen.”
Adam thinks about this and says-
“What can I get for a rib?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8api21/one_day_god_and_adam_were_talking_in_the_garden/
%
Great Deal at the Grocery Store

Bill is a man in his forties and he gathered his old fraternity brothers together for a weekend to play some poke, reminisce about old times and complain about their lives.  Particularly, Bill had marital troubles, and was explaining his worries that his wife was cheating on him.
One of the guys there that night was named Arty.  Now, Arty's family had always been involved with the Mafia, and it wasn't talked about but it was very well understood among the fraternity brothers that Arty had joined the family business as an enforcer.  Arty and Bill had been good friends for years, and upon hearing Bill's woes decided to help him out.  He offered to check and see if Bill's wife was cheating on him.  Bill, desperate for an answer, took Arty up on the offer.  Days later, Arty comes to Bill at his house and explains to him that he followed Bill's wife for a few days and she had made an unusual number of trips to the local grocery store after hours, leaving with nothing but what she walked in with.  Arty followed her into the grocery store one night and witnessed her having an affair with the manager.  Bill was absolutely furious, and began devising how to get back at his wife. It was at that point that Arty offered to 'take care of the situation' and to make sure that Bill's wife 'took her last trip to the grocery store, if you know what I mean'.  Bill was aghast at first, but as he searched inside himself he discovered that he was willing to go through with it, and agreed that Arty should kill his wife.  Bill asked him how much Arty usually makes on this kind of a job and offered to pay him full price, but Arty waved him off and said that friends don't pay.  Bill insisted though, so Arty told him he'd do it for a single dollar and that would be his payment.  Bill relented eventually, and handed over the dollar.  The next day, Arty followed Bill's wife to the grocery store, and hid behind her car as she went inside.  After some time had passed, and she came back to her car to head home, Arty jumped out and strangled her.  However, he looked up and saw the grocery store manager who had followed the woman with her purse, so he also had to strangle him.  Unluckily for Arty, the whole thing was caught on the security footage at the grocery store.  The headline ran in the news the next morning:  Arty Chokes Two for a Dollar at the Grocery Store!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aph9y/great_deal_at_the_grocery_store/
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I’m in favour of a bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medical marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain. In other words,

I’m for joint support for joint support for joint support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aph0z/im_in_favour_of_a_bipartisan_agreement_in/
%
A guy adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor....

unfortunately, it swears like an old sailor.  He tries everything to get it to stop.  He even destroyed the parrot's old cage, but that just made it worse.  Then he noticed his mom coming up to the house.  What could he do?  He couldn't let his dear sweet mother hear this foul mouthed bird. So, he placed the bird in the freezer until he could get rid of his mom.  They have some small talk and he is able to get her on her way.  He runs back and lets the parrot out of the freezer.  The parrot says, "Pardon me sir for my prior foul language.  I promise you that it will never happen again."
"Well good, thank you."
"May I ask you a question?"
"Sure, go ahead."
"What did the chicken do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8apdtg/a_guy_adopts_a_pink_parrot_from_an_old_sailor/
%
My husband was quite distraught and incoherent after losing his job at the cologne factory.

I don't know how to reply; he just isn't making scents anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8apdfq/my_husband_was_quite_distraught_and_incoherent/
%
"My fat friend died on a set of moving stairs," said my wife.

That escalated slowly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8apcay/my_fat_friend_died_on_a_set_of_moving_stairs_said/
%
I saw a Star Wars character stroking his lightsaber

Obi Wankernobi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8apbwv/i_saw_a_star_wars_character_stroking_his/
%
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Three
One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8apb1q/how_many_lawyers_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
My daughter has said she's been having suicidal tendencies and she asked for my support.

So I bought her some rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8apafu/my_daughter_has_said_shes_been_having_suicidal/
%
Love is grand

Divorce is 100 grand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ap9ma/love_is_grand/
%
My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.”

He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ap5ci/my_friend_said_to_me_do_you_want_to_hear_a_really/
%
My girlfriend asked me to take off her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes."
I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
And so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said,
"I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ap569/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_take_off_her_clothes/
%
In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled.

As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ap323/in_the_onion_kingdom_the_red_onions_ruled_over/
%
One day Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf

They were playing a hole with a particularly difficult water hazard. Moses teed off first and hit his ball right in the water. He went to the water and with a motion of his hands parted the waters and chipped the ball up on the green.
Jesus went next and his ball ended up in the water also but he calmly walked on the water to the ball and also knocked his ball up on the green.
The old man strolled up to the tee and took his shot and the ball was headed right toward the same water hazard. Right before the ball hit the water a fish jumped out of the water caught the ball in it's mouth just as an eagle swooped down and caught the fish. The eagle flew over the green and dropped the fish next to the hole then the ball popped out of the fish's mouth and went right into the hole.
Jesus and Moses were noticeably irritated and Jesus turned to the old man and said seriously,
"Quit fucking around Dad so we can play golf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ap1lo/one_day_jesus_moses_and_an_old_man_were_playing/
%
A blind man was walking downtown and he stumbled upon the fish market.....

As he enters the market with his seeing eye dog all of a sudden he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are
you doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aozr5/a_blind_man_was_walking_downtown_and_he_stumbled/
%
Yellow Yam

An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden , but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me....Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aozpb/yellow_yam/
%
What is guaranteed to get girls wet?

Water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aow9u/what_is_guaranteed_to_get_girls_wet/
%
A weasel walks into a bar

The bartender says “wow I’ve never served a weasel before what can I get you ?”
“Pop” goes the weasel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aovkz/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I don't understand why people starve when stranded in deserts...

There is the sand which is everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aougb/i_dont_understand_why_people_starve_when_stranded/
%
A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!"
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aotd6/a_guy_is_late_for_an_important_meeting/
%
Traffic stop

A man gets pulled over for going 5 miles over the speed limit. He says to the cop "youre gonna ticket me for goin FIVE MILES over the limit?"
Cop says "you betcha."
The man asks "is it against the law to call a cop an asshole?"
The cop replies "yep i wouldnt recommend it."
"Well is it against the law to just think it?"
Cop says "well no..."
"Good...because I think youre an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aot6j/traffic_stop/
%
Why do French people eat snails ?

Because they don’t like fast food !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aorcf/why_do_french_people_eat_snails/
%
What do you call a Hip Hop group on a plane?

Niggaz Wit Altitude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aor5n/what_do_you_call_a_hip_hop_group_on_a_plane/
%
I was subject to a full cavity search by the authorities yesterday.

I would say it was hands *down* the shittiest part of my life, but...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aoi0b/i_was_subject_to_a_full_cavity_search_by_the/
%
Want to hear a joke about sex offenders?

Never mind, it’s too touchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aodlm/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_sex_offenders/
%
What Does An Unborn Baby & Their Teen Mother **Both** Share In Common?

They're Both Thinking **FUCK**, My Mom Is Going To **KILL ME**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aod50/what_does_an_unborn_baby_their_teen_mother_both/
%
I plan on living forever.

So far, so good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aocnc/i_plan_on_living_forever/
%
A horny rooster

A farmer wakes up to find his rooster dead in the garden. Desperate that his chickens will no longer lay eggs, he goes to the market in search of another. Upon arrival he sees a a large, heavy built rooster so he asks the seller:
“Oi! How many bucks for that one?”
“5000 dollars!”
“Bloody hell! What‘s it supposed to do for so much money?”
“This one’s a champ in cockfighting!! Won every time!”
“Don’t bloody care! Can he screw a chicken? That’s all I need.”
“Nah mate, he used to, but was “injured” in battle.”
So the farmer keeps on looking untill he stumbles upon a scrawny, miserable looking one:
“Mate, how much for this poor sob?”
“50 bucks!”
“But can he screw chickens?”
“Sure. He’ll screw everything in sight.”
So the farmer takes the rooster and as soon as he gets home he puts him to work.
He wakes up the second day to see that every animal was walking bow-legged, their legs wide apart. He had screwed everything. He finally finds his rooster in the field, laying in his side, motionless. Up above a vulture was flying in circles, waiting. Annoyed that the vulture was about to kill his prized rooster, he runs to get his gun so he can shoot the beast. He gets close, points the gun to the target, when the rooster whispers:
“Shhhh. Keep it quiet, let him come to me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ao9bz/a_horny_rooster/
%
Why do mathematicians/programmers celebrate Halloween and Christmas on the same day?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ao863/why_do_mathematiciansprogrammers_celebrate/
%
Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because they are constantly being lied to about what 8 inches is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ao4ed/why_are_women_so_bad_at_parking_cars/
%
Viagra Pill

There was a middle age woman who was not satisfied with her husband. She tried many times to take him to a doctor but failed every time. Finally when she had enough, she went to a doctor alone for some advice. He gave her 20 viagra pills and told her to mix one in  his drinks. She does so and his husband satisfies her completely. Next day, overcome with lust, she mixes all the remaining pills in his drink.
Three days later, the woman's son comes into the doctor's clinic and tell what his mother did. Quite surprised and interested, the doctor asked him what happened next. The boy said," My mother is dead, aunt is in coma, neighbour has filled for rape, my ass still hurts  while  my dad is  now running naked behind a dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ao3ro/viagra_pill/
%
What's long, hard and makes young blonde girls scream?

A math test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ao0r0/whats_long_hard_and_makes_young_blonde_girls/
%
why does a milking stool only have three legs

because cows have the udder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8anzd0/why_does_a_milking_stool_only_have_three_legs/
%
So my dog used to chase people on bikes a lot.

It got so bad that I decided to take his bike from him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8anz9j/so_my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_bikes_a_lot/
%
What do a gay Mexican and a highschool nerd have in common?

They both do their essays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8anxcd/what_do_a_gay_mexican_and_a_highschool_nerd_have/
%
What do you call a picture where the prisoners take their own mug shots?

Cellfies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8anvvn/what_do_you_call_a_picture_where_the_prisoners/
%
What type of windows were on the bus that Connor McGreggor threw the dolly at?

Short tempered glass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8antkc/what_type_of_windows_were_on_the_bus_that_connor/
%
There was a man who had a 28-inch dick.

He was tired with all the inconveniences that came with it and no doctor was able to help him. Desperate, he went to talk to the village witch. The witch said, "Go to the Seventh Mountain and look for the Mystical Frog. He can speak; you just need him to mutter the word 'no' and your dick will shrink by 7 inches."
So the man traveled there and, sure enough, he found the Mystical Frog meditating. He went over to the frog and said, "Hey Frog, let's you and I have sex!" The frog was shocked and replied, "What the hell's your problem? NO!" The man's dick shrunk by 7-inches; things were looking good.
He asked the frog again, "Come on, Froggy, let's get it on!" to which the frog replied, "Did you not hear me just now??? I said NO!" and his dick shrunk by another 7-inches. At this point, the man just needed to make the frog say it one more time so that he'll have just the perfect size. "Come on, buddy. Let's do it! You know you want to!"
The frog turned red with rage and angrily shouted, "What is wrong with you? How many times do I have to repeat myself? I said NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8antk6/there_was_a_man_who_had_a_28inch_dick/
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I just quit my job sweeping up in a glitter factory

It was pretty rubbish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ant6c/i_just_quit_my_job_sweeping_up_in_a_glitter/
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I dont like dark humor

I cant see the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8annsv/i_dont_like_dark_humor/
%
My ex opened the car door for me

Would have been nice if we weren't going down the highway at 120 km/h

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8anlbl/my_ex_opened_the_car_door_for_me/
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I requested the flight attendant to switch my seat as I was next to a screaming baby.

Apparently you are not allowed to do that if the baby is yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8anj9d/i_requested_the_flight_attendant_to_switch_my/
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I'm reminded of the story of a man who rode a bike made from trash scavenged at the local dump

he called it recycling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8anek8/im_reminded_of_the_story_of_a_man_who_rode_a_bike/
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Who was the most hardworking president?

∫F•dr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8andrg/who_was_the_most_hardworking_president/
%
I told my wife I wanted the iPhone X.

She said Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8anckz/i_told_my_wife_i_wanted_the_iphone_x/
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What's the one thing Tupac needed to work on?

His ab routine. If he had a good ab routine, he would have been called Sixpac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8anck5/whats_the_one_thing_tupac_needed_to_work_on/
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The flight attendant asked me during the flight, could I offer you some free headphones?

So I replied, “Sure, but how did you know my name is Phones?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8anbzt/the_flight_attendant_asked_me_during_the_flight/
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I hate to name - drop but I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8anbdx/i_hate_to_name_drop_but_im_very_good_friends_with/
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If you are what you eat...

Then I’m definitely not a pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8an92c/if_you_are_what_you_eat/
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The neighbors called the cops because our dogs were chasing kids on bikes.

Joke’s on them, our dogs don’t even own bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8an7d0/the_neighbors_called_the_cops_because_our_dogs/
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Donald Trump was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.
One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Trump, “that would be an accident”
A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call great loss.”
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Trump searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: “If ‘Air Force One’ was carrying you and was struck by a “friendly fire” missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?”
“Well,” said the boy, “It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be a fucking accident either”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8an75s/donald_trump_was_visiting_a_primary_school_and_he/
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I think my wife might be dead

The sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8an6e1/i_think_my_wife_might_be_dead/
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I have an inferiority complex...

...but it's not a very good one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8an667/i_have_an_inferiority_complex/
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What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8an5x2/whats_the_best_thing_about_fingering_a_gypsy_on/
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What’s the difference between Tinder and a graveyard?

I’m never had sex with someone I’ve met on Tinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8an39x/whats_the_difference_between_tinder_and_a/
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.
But how the hell did they get in there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8amyol/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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How many cooks does it take to change a light bulb?

Fuck-it. 86 light bulbs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8amxwi/how_many_cooks_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
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A great old Marine joke.

An old, blind Corpsman wanders into a Marine bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a Marine joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the Marine next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Doc, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a Marine with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a Marine
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 210-pound Marine with a black belt in karate.
4. The Marine sitting next to me is a professional weight lifter.
5. The Marine to your right is a professional boxer.
'Now, think about it seriously Doc, do you still wanna tell that Marine joke?'
The blind Corpsman thinks for a second, shakes his head, gulps his shot down and shouts, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five fuckin’ times!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8amvhv/a_great_old_marine_joke/
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What did the mantis say after cannibalizing her mate?

"Oh my God, I'm just like my mother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8amtnm/what_did_the_mantis_say_after_cannibalizing_her/
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An American wrestler prepares to face the Russian in the Olympics....

..... the americans coach is explaining to him to win the gold medal he must defeat the Russian. The Russia has never lost a match because he has a move called " The pretzel " every opponent trapped in the pretzel loses the match. So the wrestler and his coach devise an entire strategy devoted to avoid being caught in the pretzel.
The Olympics come and sure enough the american is facing the russia in the final match. The coach pulls his guy aside and says " Remember all we trained for. Do not let him get you in that damn pretzel. "
The match starts and within the first 5 seconds the russian grabs the american and scoops him up into the pretzel. Completely dejected the coach closes his eyes as the inevitable is at hand. All of a sudden theres a loud scream and a roar from the crowd! The coach opens his eyes and sees the russian flying up in the air and the american grabs him and slams him to the mat pinning him.
Excited beyond belief and totally dumbfounded the coach rushes his wrestler begging him to tell him how he got out of the move. The wrestler tells his coach after the celebrations he will explain.
When the two can finally get a moment to speak the coach says  "Ok I gotta know! How did you escape???"  the wrestler replies, " Well you see he got me in that damn pretzel and I thought I was done for. Right when I was about to give up I opened my eyes and saw a pair of balls right in front of my face! So I stretched my neck out and bit those babies as hard as I could ."
The coach amazed says " Wow! So you bit his balls and he let you go huh? " the wrestler replies "Well no not exactly. But you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8amsab/an_american_wrestler_prepares_to_face_the_russian/
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Why isn’t Matzah popular outside the Jewish community?

Because it’s never been on the rise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8amp5g/why_isnt_matzah_popular_outside_the_jewish/
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How many cops does it take to push a man down the stairs?

None. He fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8amo2l/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_man_down_the/
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A Rich Farmer Said;

“Boy if you can get my cow to hit that joint, I’ll give you $10,000”
The steaks were high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8amnuu/a_rich_farmer_said/
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What did the library robber have to do when he was caught?

He had to book it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8amnu6/what_did_the_library_robber_have_to_do_when_he/
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Where does the general hide is armies?

in his sleevies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8amk5q/where_does_the_general_hide_is_armies/
%
Why do pirates love Reddit?

Every subreddit begins with an Rrrrrrr...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8amfyf/why_do_pirates_love_reddit/
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The Cursed Frog

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8amfnc/the_cursed_frog/
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A Father goes to the toy store to buy a doll for his daughter

"It's my daughter's birthday and I want to buy her a barbie."
the toy salesman replies "well, you came to the right place. We have 'barbie goes to the beach' for 30 dollars, 'barbie super party funhouse' for 20 dollars, 'barbie learns to drive' that comes with a toy car and 'divorced barbie' for 100 dollars.
"why is divorced barbie so expensive" the father ponders aloud.
"because she comes with ken's house, car, and kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8amdmm/a_father_goes_to_the_toy_store_to_buy_a_doll_for/
%
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8am7uj/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty one. One to change the bulb, and twenty to make t shirts for the event.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8am5d9/how_many_sorority_girls_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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How many fairies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, only a few can fit in there at a time. So maybe two or three?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8am5cs/how_many_fairies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Why was the African infant crying?

Mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8am4t1/why_was_the_african_infant_crying/
%
Three nuns die in a car crash and go to heaven.

They’re greeted at the gates by St Peter, who says to them “I’m sorry ladies, but we’re getting very full these days, so you’ll need to answer a question about the bible each to get in.” The nuns agree and he asked the first one “How long have you been a nun?”.
“Only about six months.” She replies.
“Okay then, since you’re so new I’ll give you an easy question. What were the names of the first man and woman.”
The nun replies “Adam and Eve.”
St Peter say “Great, that right. Come on in.” And the nun enters heaven. He then asked the second nun how long she had been a nun.
“About ten years”
“Okay then, so I’ll have to give you a slightly harder question. Why were Adam and Eve banished from the garden of Eden?”
“Because they ate the forbidden fruit.”
“Great, that’s right. Come on in.” And so the second nun enters heaven. St Peter then asks the third nun how long she had been a nun.
“I’m proud to say I’ve been a nun for most of my life, well over sixty years.”
“Okay then, so I’ll have to give you a very difficult question. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
The nun thinks for a minute and mutters “Oh, that’s a hard one.”
St Peter says “Great, that’s right. Come on in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8am4i3/three_nuns_die_in_a_car_crash_and_go_to_heaven/
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Yesterday my crush told me that “I was like a brother to her” I was sad at first then I remember

She was from Alabama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8am43n/yesterday_my_crush_told_me_that_i_was_like_a/
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I like my women how I like my coffee

Taken from the fields, brought in a burlap sack, and kept in a dry, dark place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8am3r1/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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How do you catch a drummer?

By laying down a snare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8am3j3/how_do_you_catch_a_drummer/
%
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay...

Sounds great to anyone who doesn't know what either of them are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8am24t/waterboarding_at_guantanamo_bay/
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A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says, "Uno, Dos..." * poof * ...He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8am17m/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
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Last week I caught up with an old coworker. He told me he’d left our former company a few weeks earlier to start a brothel.

I replied, “that’s interesting; I’ve never been to one. What are the rates like?”
“I charge $100 for oral and $200 for anal at the moment.”
“What if I just want to have, like, vaginal sex?”
He said, “Oh I’ve been too busy; I haven’t hired a staff yet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8alynl/last_week_i_caught_up_with_an_old_coworker_he/
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Why can’t you play Uno with a Mexican?

Because they steal all the green cards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8alxz5/why_cant_you_play_uno_with_a_mexican/
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Why is pickle flavored bread so satisfying?

Because it's made with a dill dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8alxdt/why_is_pickle_flavored_bread_so_satisfying/
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Jared from Subway's career ended the same way it began

With him just trying to get into some smaller pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8alrwu/jared_from_subways_career_ended_the_same_way_it/
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How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?

None. He fell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8allqi/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_guy/
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There's an old saying that goes "You are what you eat".

I suppose that would explain why my vegan friend has been in a coma all this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8alhfy/theres_an_old_saying_that_goes_you_are_what_you/
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I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8alf92/i_told_my_psychiatrist_i_got_suicidal_tendencies/
%
I have the body of a 25 year old

but it's in my refrigerator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aldy9/i_have_the_body_of_a_25_year_old/
%
The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Bolt’s world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8albsz/the_average_speed_of_semen_exiting_the_penis/
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What is the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

Ones really heavy and ones a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8al7fi/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
I went to the doctor with hearing problems..

He said "can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Aye, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8al5k3/i_went_to_the_doctor_with_hearing_problems/
%
When arguing, never throw dirt at your opponent

All you do is lose ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8al1wl/when_arguing_never_throw_dirt_at_your_opponent/
%
A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer"

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer " The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "
The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to crash the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? "
Policeman :" No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people? "
Suspect :" Well that selfish guy ran towards the other 12."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8al124/a_mob_drags_a_man_into_a_police_station_for/
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I cheated on my wife tonight. The guilt is really getting to me... maybe I should confess?

How do I tell her that when she was on the toilet, I took $5000 from the bank and put two houses on Mayfair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8akxri/i_cheated_on_my_wife_tonight_the_guilt_is_really/
%
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote switch...

I thought to myself : "Well , this changes everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8akvzr/i_remember_the_first_time_i_saw_a_universal/
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A priest walks into a bar...

...and finds a drunk arguing with the bartender because he doesn’t have money to pay for his next drink.
The priest feels a calling to intervene. “My son, I’ll buy that whiskey for you, but you have to be willing to hear me out.”
The drunk agrees and the priest orders a double.
“I can tell you’re hurting over something,” says the priest. “Myself, I’ve faced plenty of hard times, and I’ve suffered through many trials. But listen to me and listen closely: I’ve never been able to find the answer to my problems in the bottom of a whiskey glass.”
The drunk nods his head solemnly, then throws back the whiskey and squints down at the remaining drops.
“Padre,” he says with determination, “it may take all night, but as long as you keep buying, damned if I won’t help you look.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aktlf/a_priest_walks_into_a_bar/
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Started a chicken dating website.

It's not my full time job, just doing it to make hens meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8akryz/started_a_chicken_dating_website/
%
People really should stop tipping cows.

They deserve a decent hourly wage!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8akpis/people_really_should_stop_tipping_cows/
%
Millions of years ago there was a dinosaur empowerment movement called "dino-might."

It blew up over night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ako2r/millions_of_years_ago_there_was_a_dinosaur/
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Dark Humor is a lot like food

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8akbkc/dark_humor_is_a_lot_like_food/
%
My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type in time give him a transfusion

As he died he kept telling us to "be positive" but it's hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ak1ya/my_dad_died_because_we_couldnt_remember_his_blood/
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A friend from Mexico recently moved up to Wisconsin with me

Naturally, one of the first places we went was a cheese shop. He was being  all tentative, only considering purchasing a small block of cheddar. He’s never going to fit like that.
I said to him, “Jesus, take the wheel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ajzkw/a_friend_from_mexico_recently_moved_up_to/
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A Vegan, a Crossfitter and a Fortnite player walked into a bar

I only know because they told everyone twice within 5 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ajw3n/a_vegan_a_crossfitter_and_a_fortnite_player/
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Wartime Meeting

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking mustachioed piece of shit." It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. Stalin then orders Zhukov brought back.
Two minutes later, Zhukov is back in the room facing Stalin.
"Comrade Zhukov," begins Stalin, "would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?"
"I said 'fucking mustachioed piece of shit' Comrade Stalin."
"And who were you talking about?"
"I was talking about Hitler, Comrade Stalin."
Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev,
"And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did you **think** he was talking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ajpj3/wartime_meeting/
%
Usain Bolt's top speed was 27.8MPH.

During an orgasm, semen exits the penis at 28MPH, proving a nut is faster than a Bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ajowd/usain_bolts_top_speed_was_278mph/
%
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ajnwp/did_you_hear_about_the_claustrophobic_astronaut/
%
A pro Limbo Dancer walks into a bar.

He is immediately disqualified from the competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ajm99/a_pro_limbo_dancer_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I made some toast to eat while watching my favorite anime

But when I sat down I realized there wasn't even-jelly-on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ajism/i_made_some_toast_to_eat_while_watching_my/
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A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... Two days... And then three days.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ajgpj/a_magician_worked_on_a_cruise_ship/
%
What city has been completely overrun by rabbits?

Albany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ajgk9/what_city_has_been_completely_overrun_by_rabbits/
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So a horse walks into a bar . . .

And the bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ajgit/so_a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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Drinking with Coworkers

John stumbles into the office Friday morning after a night of heavy drinking with his coworkers.  Everyone in his department looks worse for the wear, but he is the most visibly affected.  After an hour or so of unproductive work, they meet up at the water cooler to discuss the antics of the night before.
"I'm never drinking again," said Karen from Marketing.  "When I got home I was so drunk that I commented publicly on my ex-husband's Facebook wall, calling his new wife a cheap whore."
"You think that's bad?" says Patrick from finance.  "When I got home I was so drunk that I invested a thousand dollars in Bitcoin, and the value plummeted overnight!"
At this point John chimed in.  "You think that's bad?  When I got home I was so drunk that I blew chunks."
"What are you complaining about?" exclaimed another coworker.  "That's the best outcome so far."
"You don't understand," went John.  "Chunks is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ajg6m/drinking_with_coworkers/
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So a man dies and goes to heaven

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move."
"Oh," said the man as he pointed at one of them, "Whose clock is that?"
St. Peter replied, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"That's incredible, " said the man.
St. Peter pointed to another clock, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."
The man was impressed, and then asked, "Where's Donald Trump's clock?"
St. Peter said, "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ajd0g/so_a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop...

... and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "£100 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ajatz/i_was_in_a_job_interview_today_when_the_manager/
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A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aj8hs/a_blonde_finds_herself_in_serious_money_trouble/
%
What's a police officers favorite place to eat?

Arrestaurant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aj6p6/whats_a_police_officers_favorite_place_to_eat/
%
China has a border wall

And they have no Mexicans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aj6g9/china_has_a_border_wall/
%
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.

Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aiu8j/a_young_man_was_wandering_lost_in_a_forest_when/
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America really needs to work on its education system

I mean I hear China has kids working for Apple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aiqoo/america_really_needs_to_work_on_its_education/
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I treat my daughters with respect. I knocked on the youngest one's door and asked "can I come in?"

"I don't know, can you?"
I'm so proud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ail4i/i_treat_my_daughters_with_respect_i_knocked_on/
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You momma so old,

she has a separate entrance for black dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aikpk/you_momma_so_old/
%
A bartender is closing up for the night, when he hears a tiny "thud, thud" on the door. He opens it up and sees a slug...

The slug says "are you open?"
Bartender says "no, we're closed" and shuts the door.
A few minutes later, he hears another tiny "thud, thud" on the door. He opens the door to see the same slug. "Can I please have a beer?" the slug asks. "I'm really thirsty."
"No, we're closed" the bartender says forcefully, and slams the door.
A few minutes later, the bartender once again hears a tiny "thud, thud" on the door. By this time, he's pissed. He opens the door and before the slug can say a single word, the bartender kicks him across the street.
About a year later, the bartender was once again closing up for the night when he heard a tiny "thud, thud" on the door. He opened the door and saw the same slug as from before.
The slug says "what did you do that for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aiizb/a_bartender_is_closing_up_for_the_night_when_he/
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Where do West Virginians go for Blind Dates?

Olive Garden..when you're here you're family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aihac/where_do_west_virginians_go_for_blind_dates/
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One of my coworkers overdosed on Viagra

His wife took it pretty hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aigiw/one_of_my_coworkers_overdosed_on_viagra/
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If I had a penny for every time my wife and I argued about money

She'd spend it on a handbag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aig24/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_time_my_wife_and_i/
%
There are 3 types of people

Those who can count & those who can’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aib41/there_are_3_types_of_people/
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I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch.

He can binomial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ai5xt/i_know_a_mathematician_who_cant_afford_lunch/
%
One day, 3 men died and went to heaven

"Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" he asked the third man.
"Agnostic."
"Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked.
The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are they only ones here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ai523/one_day_3_men_died_and_went_to_heaven/
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Daffy Duck was in a hotel room, he called room service and asks for a condom, receptionist says shall we put it on your bill? Daffy replied.

Are you thucking thupid I'll thuffocate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ai072/daffy_duck_was_in_a_hotel_room_he_called_room/
%
Yesterday a police officer came to my school and gave a talk on drugs.

I couldn't understand a fucking thing he was trying to say!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahzry/yesterday_a_police_officer_came_to_my_school_and/
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I have a Few Jokes about Unemployed People

But None of them Seems to work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahv6h/i_have_a_few_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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Donald Trump asks his son Eric for dating advice

Eric says, "Well, dad, this is what I do. I go get a potato, stick it in my underwear, and walk around showing that off. All the ladies fall for it!"
Donald agrees it sounds like a bigly good idea, so the next day he goes to the White House kitchen and grabs the biggest potato he can find, shoves it into his Speedo, and goes off to the beach.
On the beach, everyone who sees him is stunned and cannot stop staring at the yuge bulge, and Donnie is very proud of it, making sure to walk up and down the beach so all the ladies can get a good look at it.
However, as the day goes on, no women indicated being attracted to Donald, and he finally goes home that evening in a rage. He storms into Eric's room and yells, "It didn't work you idiot!", pulling the potato out and flinging it at Eric.
After dodging the potato, Eric shouts, "Dad, wait! It was supposed to go in the front!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahv01/donald_trump_asks_his_son_eric_for_dating_advice/
%
I went to one of those escape rooms and got out in only 3 hours

It's called Ikea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahu59/i_went_to_one_of_those_escape_rooms_and_got_out/
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Everyone is self centred.

But it's the radius that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahscm/everyone_is_self_centred/
%
A man is caught feasting on a Bald Eagle by a park ranger.

He is taken to court and the judge asks him why he committed this crime.
The man replies “ I had no other choice and this was my only way of survival.”
Given the circumstances, the judge decides that this man is telling the truth and let’s him off the case. But being curious, the judge asks “Well, how did it taste like?”
The man replied “ Have you ever had Spotted Owl?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahpdb/a_man_is_caught_feasting_on_a_bald_eagle_by_a/
%
What did the Oblivion character say when he saw a molecule of magnesium sulphate?

BY THE NINE DIVINES! A SALT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahom4/what_did_the_oblivion_character_say_when_he_saw_a/
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I failed a job interview today!

Interviewer: Tell me, what do you think is your biggest weakness?
Me: My brutal honesty!
Interviewer: I don't think that's really a weakness.
Me: Well I don't really give a fuck what you think!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahnr1/i_failed_a_job_interview_today/
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Luke Skywalker went to the Jedi temple

Obi-Wan Kenobi's force ghost materialized and noticed that Master Luke seemed perturbed, and so asked him what the matter was.
Luke replied "Ben, my life outside the Jedi Order is in shambles.  It's mainly my marriage.  It started off great, but something's changed in recent times.  Drastically.  We fight all the time, and we never seem to do anything together anymore.  I'm starting to think there's someone else here too, like she's cheating on me.  Ben, I'm not sure what to do."
Obi-Wan responded "Use divorce, Luke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahmy7/luke_skywalker_went_to_the_jedi_temple/
%
They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahmpi/they_say_english_surnames_all_had_a_meaning_as_in/
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What's the difference between a wife and a job?

After ten years your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahljf/whats_the_difference_between_a_wife_and_a_job/
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Girl: Wanna come to my place 3pm today? Nobody will be home!

Guy: I went to your place and there was nobody there.
Girl: I told you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahl68/girl_wanna_come_to_my_place_3pm_today_nobody_will/
%
Programmers and mathematicians disagree on a lot of things

but at least we can all agree 0!=1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahhpn/programmers_and_mathematicians_disagree_on_a_lot/
%
There was this guy who went into a bar.

He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you a bettin' man?"
The bartender replied, "Certainly! I'm ALWAYS a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "I'll bet you $50 that I can lick my right eye."
The bartender thought about this a while and finally agreed to the bet. The man reached up and pulled out his glass right eye and licked it. The bartender groaned and begrudgingly gave the man his $50 telling him to leave his bar.
A week or so later, the same man appeared in the bar. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you still a bettin' man?" The bartender replied, "Certainly! I told you I'm ALWAYS a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my left eye."
Well, the bartender thought he had him on this one! There was no way that he had TWO glass eyes so the bartender agreed. The man reached up to his mouth, pulled out his dentures and clicked them on his left eye. The bartender moaned and paid the man his $100 telling him to get out of his bar.
A week or so later, the same man ventured into the bar again. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you still a bettin' man?" The bartender said, although with a little caution this time, "Certainly! I told you I'm ALWAYS a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "Give me a shot of whiskey." The bartender poured the man a shot and he drank it down. Slamming the glass on the bar he said, "I'll bet you $500 that you can spin me around on this bar stool and I can piss in that glass right where it lays and not miss a drop."
Well, the bartender's eyes lit up. Here was one time that he was certain that he would win! "Agreed!" he cried. Coming out from around the bar, he grabbed onto the man's bar stool and spun it as hard as he could.
Well, the man just let loose and piss flew EVERYPLACE! Not so much as one drop even came close to the glass and the bartender was soaked. When he was done, the bartender was laughing and laughing and holding out his hand. The man pulled out his wallet and gave him his $500. But the bartender was puzzled and as he was wiping off his face, he asked the man, "Why did you bet me $500 that you could piss in that shot glass on the bar when you had to have known there wasn't any possible way to do it??"
The man just smiled and told him, "You may have won $500 off me but I bet that guy over in the corner $10,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would just laugh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahf30/there_was_this_guy_who_went_into_a_bar/
%
I rarely laugh at Dad jokes.

I think I’ve out groan them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahezh/i_rarely_laugh_at_dad_jokes/
%
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard, when the boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole…

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole!"
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahbd9/a_little_boy_and_his_grandfather_are_raking/
%
Everything has to be politically correct nowadays..

Back in the day you could say black paint, nowadays you have to say 'Jerome, please paint the fence.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ahaqi/everything_has_to_be_politically_correct_nowadays/
%
I found a website for clumsy people.

I stumbled across it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ah8zt/i_found_a_website_for_clumsy_people/
%
What do you get if you spell MAN backwards?

Flashbacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ah5l8/what_do_you_get_if_you_spell_man_backwards/
%
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ah5f8/an_mit_linguistics_professor_was_lecturing_his/
%
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.

This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ah2jl/jesus_and_satan_have_an_argument_as_to_who_is_the/
%
The Islamic temple I went to had a weird smell...

it was a strange mosque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8agxe8/the_islamic_temple_i_went_to_had_a_weird_smell/
%
How'd the redneck find his daughter in the woods?

Pleasurable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8agtp8/howd_the_redneck_find_his_daughter_in_the_woods/
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What’s the most sensitive part of a man’s anatomy while he’s masturbating?

His ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8agqhh/whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_a_mans_anatomy/
%
I'd rather be in Prison than Married

there's more sex in prison, and it usually isn't a life sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8agi8p/id_rather_be_in_prison_than_married/
%
A 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count...

as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aggeb/a_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for_a/
%
How are a vagina and the Italian mafia similar?

One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8agg72/how_are_a_vagina_and_the_italian_mafia_similar/
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Whats the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus?

U only need one nail to hang up the picture.
See^you^in^hell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8agffz/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
Imagine a life without piano

It would Bb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8agekr/imagine_a_life_without_piano/
%
If a three-legged cow is called lean beef, and a no-legged cow is called ground beef, what do you call a two-legged cow?

Your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8agc5n/if_a_threelegged_cow_is_called_lean_beef_and_a/
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The Teacher says to the class:

Who ever stands up is stupid
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8agakj/the_teacher_says_to_the_class/
%
I was at a lingerie store and they were advertising an old fashioned-looking nighty with the tag line "Just like mother used to wear"...

It's called a Freudian Slip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ag87q/i_was_at_a_lingerie_store_and_they_were/
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One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids..

One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids. Before leaving, they happen to notice a fortune-teller shop across the mall. Two of the women thought it would be a fun way to end their outing while the third one was a bit more skeptical. After a moment of debating, they all agree to go in.
As they entered the shop they were greeted by the Miss Catarina.
* **Miss Catarina**: *Welcome, my beautiful friends! I would like for you to join me on a wonderful adventure into your minds.*
The two women were excited for the experience while the skeptical one rolled her eyes. Miss Catarina acknowledge the gesture.
* **Miss Catarina**: *I see we have a disbeliever in the room. In what way would I be able to lessen your uncertainty?*
Skeptical Woman: How about you start by guessing our names.
* **Miss Catarina**: *And that is exactly what I will do! However, uncovering the names of you three would be way too simple for Miss Catarina. One may say I overheard you addressing each other during a recent debate about coming in here.* (She says with a smirk)
The faces of the other two women were filled with amazement.
* **Miss Catarina**: *I will predict the names of your children and explain some history behind why it was chosen!*
Thinking that there could be no way that she would know, the skeptical woman agreed. Miss Catarina starts with the first two.
* **Miss Catarina**: *Hello my little Princess, your name has to be Penelope!*
The first woman was stun while Penelope looked to her mom confused.
* **Miss Catarina**: *I see you are confused my child, but be no more. You would most likely recognize your name as Penny! It is short for Penelope! Do you know why your name is Penny? It’s because your mommy loves collecting money! All kinds of money! Old money, new money and even foreign money!*
The first two women cheered while confirming that it is correct. The third woman was a bit shocked but still skeptical.
* **Miss Catarina**: *It was nice meeting you, Penelope!*
She then moves to the second child.
* **Miss Catarina**: *Hello my little Angel. You must be Lillian!*
* **Lillian**: *Yes! But everyone calls me Lilly!*
* **Miss Catarina**: *And I bet that is because your mommy loves flowers! All types of flowers! Wild flowers, house flowers and even exotic flower!*
The two women confirmed with excitement! But now the skeptical woman is concern.
* **Miss Catarina**: *It’s a pleasure meeting you, Lillian.*
Saving the best for last, she walks over to the third child.
* **Miss Catarina**: *And you my handsome Prince. Your name is the most fitting of all!*
While feeling embarrassed, the skeptical woman cuts off Miss Catarina.
* **Skeptical Woman**: *I’ve had enough! My son and I do not want to hear what you have to say! We’re leaving!*
While looking at the sad little boy getting taken out the shop, Miss Catarina shouts to him.
* **Miss Catarina**: *You have a wonderful day, Richard!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ag78b/one_afternoon_three_women_were_out_shopping_with/
%
Probably a repost, but I’ve never seen it on here.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32 " the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You're 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That's amazing. How do you know?". The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ag787/probably_a_repost_but_ive_never_seen_it_on_here/
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What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ag69n/what_is_the_highest_religious_authority_among/
%
Dave walks into a bar,

goes straight for a stool, sits down, and asks for a beer. The bartender serves Dave, and the man gulps it down in seconds.
"Another," says Dave.
The bartender serves him another, and again, Dave gulps it down in seconds.
"Another," says Dave again.
The bartender serves him, but starts to worry and asks, "Do you think you should be drinking so much?"
Dave downs his third beer, wipes his mouth, and starts to slur as he says, "I haven't been laid in months, I lost my job, and I'm behind on my rent. Life has been pretty shitty for me lately, and I might get evicted if I don't manage to get another $3000 soon."
The bartender feels pretty bad for him, so he says, "Here's what. I have some things I need done, and if you can do them for me, I can pay you $3000."
"Sssurre, what are they?" Dave asks, his slurring even more noticeable.
"First, my mom hasn't had a man in the longest time. Her birthday is coming up, so I was going to hire her an escort, but they can be pretty expensive. Instead, you're going to give her the ride of life. Secondly, I've got a really mean dog with a bad tooth. I tried taking him to the dentists, but they refused to pull his tooth out because he kept trying to bite their hands off. I need you to remove his bad tooth," the bartender says.
Dave drunkenly says, "G--got it. Where are they?"
"They're in the backroom there" *the bartender points* "But are you okay to do it now? You don't look like you're in the best condition."
"Don't worry. Woman. Dog. Sex. Teeth. Got it" he says as he gives a thumbs up and then drunkenly sways into the backroom.
The bartender is a little concerned, as the dog is quite vicious, so he presses his ear against the door. A woman is heard yelling, moaning, and screaming, followed by some light sobbing. Then, a door is heard opening and a loud bark from a dog, followed by a growl. Some shuffling can be heard, followed by some grunting and whimpering. Then, footsteps are heard approaching the door, so the bartender backs away as the door opens.
Dave stumbles out, zipping up his pants. "By the way, I couldn't find your mom's bad tooth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ag64b/dave_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a mean potato?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ag4x0/what_do_you_call_a_mean_potato/
%
I started carrying a pistol after an attempted mugging last week.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ag4nu/i_started_carrying_a_pistol_after_an_attempted/
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A FATHER'S LAST REQUEST.

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ag35p/a_fathers_last_request/
%
A guy moves into a new apartment complex and decides to throw a party to meet the neighbours.

He decides the theme of the party is to dress up as a feeling (e.g. red for angry, blue for sad, etc).
The party is going off without a hitch and he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door to find two Jamacian guys standing there stark naked.
One has his dick in a bowl of custard, and the other has a pear stuck on the end of his knob.
He says, "Guys, you're welcome to come in but what the hell are you dressed as?!"
The first Jamacian guy says "Mon, can't you see I'm fucking-dis-custard."
And the other says, "Yeah, and I'm deep-in-dis-pear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ag0ac/a_guy_moves_into_a_new_apartment_complex_and/
%
“The principal is so dumb” a little boy says.

A girl next to him says “do you know who I am?”
“No” The boy says
“I’m the principals daughter” the girl replies
“Do you know who I am?” The boy asks
“No” the girl says, curious of who he could be.
“Good.” The boy says, and walks away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8afwbs/the_principal_is_so_dumb_a_little_boy_says/
%
You guys hear of the movie 'Constipation'?

No?
That's because it hasn't come out yet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8afrq8/you_guys_hear_of_the_movie_constipation/
%
A muscular man walks into the bar with a tiny ragged doll

"What can I get you?" asks the bartender.
“A whiskey, neat, keep it coming” orders the muscular man.
One drinks after another, the bartender finally gathers the courage to ask.
"Why did you carry that tiny ragged doll around?
No offence sir, but one would normally assume it’s not yours,
since it’s a little unfitting with your- um, physique?”
“It’s ok, I get that question a lot” answers the muscular man.
It’s a doll of my daughter who was passing away in the house fire last year, along with my wife
and this doll is the only thing that’s left of her- no, actually, the only thing is left from the house.
I’ve been carrying it around ever since as a memorial to both of my daughter and my wife”
Tearing up by the muscular man heartbreaking story, the bartender offers his condolences.
They chat for a while until the muscular man excuses himself to the restroom and entrusts
his doll with the bartender. The bartender fears that anyone else will mistaking it for a trash,
he brings it to the back room.
The muscular man, now finishes with his business, comes back and notices that the doll is gone-
he’s starting to panic and demands an explanation from the bartender.
The bartender say it’s fine, he just moves it to the back room.
The bartender goes into the back room but couldn’t find the doll anywhere
so he goes into the the bar owner office on the second floor to ask if he knows anything.
The bar owner says he noticed the ragged doll on the shelf and has mistaken
It for a trash so he threw it away to the garbage truck that coincidentally operating nearby
and he’s afraid the truck has already leave.
The bartender explains everything to the bar owner.
Now feeling guilty, the bar owner goes out to explain and apologise to the muscular man
but after hearing the story, the muscular man broke down completely
and is super angry.
He goes into the back room, grabs a sledgehammer
and starts pounding everything he sees, the counter, the chairs,
and eventually everything in the bar is destroyed.
The bar owner is now shrieking in fear but still trying to reason with him.
Figured the muscular man would not stop the ruckus anyway,
he utters- I throw away your prized possession and you have destroyed my precious bar for it
and that’s fair but can’t you at least leave the building alone?
You already destroy too much in my bar but the building is rental and not mine
and if you damage it, I won’t have enough to pay the fines.
I don’t deserve all of this just for a little accident.
Filed with rage, the muscular man doesn’t seem to hear anything anymore.
He continues pounding the concrete floor until every square metre break.
He then moves on to the wall and starts pounding it.
The first, second and third side of the wall is struck down one after another
and finally he moves to the fourth side of the wall and bring it down completely.
The muscular man then shaking his head, turns his face to the monitor and speaks to you
“This-- whole joke sucks, don’t you think?”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8afpxg/a_muscular_man_walks_into_the_bar_with_a_tiny/
%
My girlfriend tells me I have two main flaws

I don't listen, and something else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8afp1c/my_girlfriend_tells_me_i_have_two_main_flaws/
%
What’s the worst way to break up with a blind person?

“I think we should see other people”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8afi1u/whats_the_worst_way_to_break_up_with_a_blind/
%
I killed the glove industry

With my bare hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8afhpu/i_killed_the_glove_industry/
%
If people make you sick...

Then maybe you should cook them longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8afeus/if_people_make_you_sick/
%
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8afdn1/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
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Purple Passion

Little Johnny was sitting in math class when he got bored. So he looks under his desk, as we all do time to time, and saw something written in purple marker:Purple Passion. So Johnny raised his hand and said "Teacher, I found something in purple marker written under my desk." The teacher asked "What was it Johnny?" And Johnny said "Purple Passion." The teacher sent him STRAIGHT to the principal's office.
When he got to the office, the principal said "Johnny, I have NEVER seen you in here before for misconduct. What happened?" So Johnny said "Well I was sitting in math class when I got bored. So I looked under my desk and saw a something written in purple marker. So I raised my hand and said 'Teacher, I found something in purple marker written under my desk.' So my teacher says to me 'What was written Johnny?' And now I'm here." So the principal says to Johnny "What was written there?" And Johnny says "Purple Passion." The principal expelled him on the spot.
So when Johnny got home, his mom said "Well you're home early. What happened?" So Johnny said "Well I was sitting in math class when I got bored. So I looked under my desk and saw a something written in purple marker. So I raised my hand and said 'Teacher, I found something in purple marker written under my desk.' So my teacher says to me 'What was written Johnny?' And when I told her what was written, she sent me to the principal's office and then when I told him what it was, he expelled me. And now I'm here." So Johnny's mom asked him "What was written there?" So Johnny said "Purple Passion." Johnny's mom sent him to his room until his dad got home.
About 15 minutes later, Johnny's dad opens his bedroom door, saying "Son I heard you had a bad day today. Mind telling me what happened?" So Johnny said "Well I was sitting in math class when I got bored. So I looked under my desk and saw a something written in purple marker. So I raised my hand and said 'Teacher, I found something in purple marker written under my desk.' So my teacher says to me 'What was written Johnny?' And when I told her what was written, she sent me to the principal's office and then when I told him what it was, he expelled me. Then when I got home and told Mom, she sent me to my room and now I'm here." So Johnny's dad said "What was written there?" And Johnny said, with some force, "Purple Passion!" His dad told him that he had 5 minutes to gather his belongings and get off his property.
Later that night, Johnny's walking along the road, his belongings in a hobo bag. About 2 hours after the sun went down, Johnny came across a drug dealer. The dealer said "You look a little young to be walking around on the streets this late. What happened?" But before Johnny could even say his first 'Well,' the cops show up. A few hours later, Johnny's sitting in court and the judge says to him "Johnny, you have good grades, you're a good kid, so what are you doing in my court?" So Johnny says to the judge "Well I was sitting in math class when I got bored. So I looked under my desk and saw a something written in purple marker. So I raised my hand and said 'Teacher, I found something in purple marker written under my desk.' So my teacher says to me 'What was written Johnny?' And when I told her what was written, she sent me to the principal's office and then when I told him what it was, he expelled me. Then when I got home and told my mom, she sent me to my room until my dad got home. But when I told my dad, he disowned me and now I'm here." So the judge looks at Johnny and asks him "What was written under that desk Johnny?" Johnny said "Purple Passion!" The judge says that he was not allowed to enter the state for the next 15 years.
15 years later, Johnny go back to the state and back to his home town where he enters an old coffee shop. The waitress walks up to his table and asks him if he would like anything. Johnny tiredly replies "Just a water please." The waitress, noticing that something's off, sits down across from him and asks him what wrong. So Johnny said "About 15 years ago, I was sitting in math class when I got bored. So I looked under my desk and saw a something written in purple marker. So I raised my hand and said 'Teacher, I found something in purple marker written under my desk.' So my teacher says to me 'What was written Johnny?' And when I told her what was written, she sent me to the principal's office and then when I told him what it was, he expelled me. Then when I got home and told my mom, she sent me to my room until my dad got home. But when I told my dad, he disowned me. Then later that night, I had ended up in court and when I told the judge, he said I wasn't allowed in the state for 15 years and now I'm here." The waitress then asked Johnny "What was written under that desk?" And Johnny asked "You're not going to kick me out, are you?" And the waitress said "No." "You're not going to call the cops, are you?" And she said "No." And then Johnny apprehensively said "Purple...Passion..." The waitress remained calm and took out her pen and paper and scribbled something down. She then slid it over to Johnny.
Later that night, Johnny was standing on the side of a road looking at an old barn. He then looked at the note the waitress had given him. It said 'At 11-o-clock, look up at the top room of the old barn from across the street and you will find what you're looking for. He looked at his watch and it had JUST turned 11. He looked up at the barn and saw an erie purple light. He started to walk across the street when
BANG
Moral of the story: look both ways before crossing the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8afc59/purple_passion/
%
I saw a lady with a gallon of water in one hand and some chik fil a in the other

and I thought to myself:
"Now there's a thirsty girl who wants some cock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8af64q/i_saw_a_lady_with_a_gallon_of_water_in_one_hand/
%
I had my first date in high school.

I’m happy home economics introduced me to such a delicious fruit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8af64m/i_had_my_first_date_in_high_school/
%
So I went to the doctor to check on my exams.

He asked me:
- What’s you sign?
Me:
- Cancer
Doctor:
- Now that’s a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8af255/so_i_went_to_the_doctor_to_check_on_my_exams/
%
Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

He was tired of people talking behind his back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8af1s5/why_did_the_taxi_driver_quit_his_job/
%
I told my psychiatrist I’ve deceloped suicidal tendencies...

he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8af0h8/i_told_my_psychiatrist_ive_deceloped_suicidal/
%
Almost...

The kindergarten teacher is warned about little Johnny’s vulgar mouth.  He uses any excuse to say a bad word.
The teacher announces, “Class, today we are going to work on our alphabet.  Who can spell a simple word that starts with ‘A’?”
Little Johnny’s hand shoots up.  “Oh! Oh! Pick me Teacher!”
The teacher thinks, “Ohhh no.  I know what he’ll say...”.  So she calls on Susie.
Susie says, “MY word is A-p-p-l-e.. Apple.”
The teacher says “Very good!  Now who can spell a simple word that starts with ‘B’?”   Again, Johnny’s hand goes up first, but the teacher thinks, “Uh oh...this is trouble...”.  She calls on Michael, who says, “MY word is B-i-k-e. Bike.”
“That’s a great word, Michael.”
She goes on through the alphabet and Johnny’s really straining to get her attention but every time she knows he’ll pick a vulgar word.  Finally she gets to “R” and he’s the only child left.  She thinks, “Hmmm....R....I can’t think of an ugly R-word.”  So reluctantly she says, “Ok, Johnny...go ahead.”
Johnny says, “MY word is R-a-t....Rat!”
The teacher is relieved and says, “Very good Johnny.”
And Johnny says, “Yeah!  Rat!  A big fuckin’ rat with a dick about six inches long!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8af0es/almost/
%
A farmer walks into a bar with a horse...

He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8af01n/a_farmer_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_horse/
%
There was a prostitute who became an entrepreneur.

Everyone said she put the "succ" in "success."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aew4i/there_was_a_prostitute_who_became_an_entrepreneur/
%
Once there was a set of triplets separated at birth

One was named Juan, another was named James, and the third was named Ahmal. They all grew up in their own paths, although there were some similarities where James was the odd one out despite not knowing it. Juan and Ahmal both grew up to be doctors, for instance, while James grew up to be a successful businessman. James was also the only one to not have children; Juan and Ahmal both had 3.
Well, at some point James found out he was a member of a set of triplets. He did some research, made some calls, and did DNA tests. He found out who his brothers were and decided to try and track them down with the help of an assistant who claimed to have known both brothers. James told the man he wanted to meet both brothers within a year, and the man, hesitatingly, obliged.
About 6 months into their journey, James was relieved to finally hear the words, "Well... Juan works at this hospital. Good luck." He got out of the car and walked towards the hospital, a surreal experience. He goes in, asks to see Juan, and waits. After about 15 minutes, Juan comes out and the brothers reunite at last. They spend the afternoon together catching up, and at long last James lets him get back to work.
That night he goes out to the car. The assistant says, "Are you ready to go home now?" James is astonished. He reminds the man of his promise to let him meet both his brothers, not just one. The man sighs and says, "Come on, man... if you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aese2/once_there_was_a_set_of_triplets_separated_at/
%
I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aeqri/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
What do call it when a chameleon is unable to change color?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aeqjx/what_do_call_it_when_a_chameleon_is_unable_to/
%
Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers

. The first boy quietly asks God for a puppy, the second boy shouts "PLEASE LORD LET ME HAVE A NEW BIKE". The first boy says to the other boy "you don't need to yell I'm sure God can hear you", the second boy says "I know he can but grandma needs to".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aeq45/two_boys_are_staying_at_grandmas_doing_nightly/
%
In the end, Hitler wasn't so bad.

He sacrificed his life to kill Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aenuy/in_the_end_hitler_wasnt_so_bad/
%
Jimmy Neutron (Split Personalities)

Jimmy Electron, Jimmy Proton and Carl Weiner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aenbx/jimmy_neutron_split_personalities/
%
I wonder

if I have ever eaten an egg laid by a chicken I have also eaten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aemd6/i_wonder/
%
Who is the only Irishman that comes out in the Spring?

Patty O’Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aebq3/who_is_the_only_irishman_that_comes_out_in_the/
%
Sex is like a race..

To see who comes first. Me or the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ae6e1/sex_is_like_a_race/
%
A Pokemon Go player walks into a bar.

And a tree. And a wall. And into a lake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ae5bq/a_pokemon_go_player_walks_into_a_bar/
%
You know what I hate about Russian dolls

They're so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ae24q/you_know_what_i_hate_about_russian_dolls/
%
What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ae1gl/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
I farted in my wallet

Now I have gas money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8adxg5/i_farted_in_my_wallet/
%
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You can’t imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8adolo/today_i_donated_my_watch_phone_and_500_to_a_poor/
%
Unfaithful Husband

A wife was beginning to suspect that her husband had become unfaithful, coming home at odd hours of the night with the excuse that he was out playing cards with friends.
One night the couple had plans for a masquerade party, but as the husband was getting ready the wife mentioned that she was not feeling well and would stay home that night.  The husband tried to convince her that she would feel better once she got there but, unable to change her mind, he ended up going by himself.
After about an hour the wife got her costume out and hailed a cab to the party.  Her husband had never seen her outfit before so she had the unique opportunity to observe his behavior when she wasn't around.  Upon entering the party she saw him mingling with scantily clad women, flirting, and being friendlier than she was comfortable with.  Rather than ousting him in the moment, she hung back to see if he would go any further.
After a while the dance floor began to fill up, and she watched as her husband approached several women and began dancing with them in a very vulgar manner, groping several and kissing a few.  At this point the wife decided that she would catch him firsthand, and moved to his general vicinity.
As expected, her husband approached her from behind and began grinding and touching her in all ways imaginable.  After several minutes she suggested that they go someplace more private, and led him to a pantry where he had is way with her.  After he was finished, she told him she needed to freshen up in the bathroom and sneakily exited the party, heading home to prepare herself for the confrontation that would take place when he returned.
After a few hours her husband came home.  As he approached their bed, she pretended to wake up.  "How was your night?" she asked, ready to catch him in his lie.
"It was a great night," replied the husband.  "But I'm beat and need to get some rest."
"Before you go to bed, may I ask if you did anything you shouldn't have at the party?"
"The party was actually pretty boring by myself, so I ended up catching a bus to play cards with the guys soon after arriving.  As luck would have it, my driver was just about to get off his shift so I lent him my costume and gave him the address!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8adohj/unfaithful_husband/
%
What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8adnrw/what_did_kermit_the_frog_say_at_jim_hensons/
%
A Mathematician works at a bar.

A loud man walks into the bar and says "I want some drinks!"
And the bartender replies with "How many drinks?"
The man answers "5!"
The bartender took the man's order and gave him 120 drinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8adks9/a_mathematician_works_at_a_bar/
%
A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a second."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a second."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8add8h/a_man_is_talking_to_god/
%
I invented a new word!

Plagiarism!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8adc20/i_invented_a_new_word/
%
The only way to drown a hipster

Is to dunk his head in the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8adbxm/the_only_way_to_drown_a_hipster/
%
This joke about the fibonacci sequence is so bad that

it's as bad as the last two combined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ad92q/this_joke_about_the_fibonacci_sequence_is_so_bad/
%
You've had a bad day but...

The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
The flesh eating virus barely touched your other arm.
Imagine what would have happened if your ex-wife had a *good* lawyer.
The fertility drugs worked 4 times better than expected.
The insurance company said they will pay the full book value of $455 for your 1966 Corvette.
At least the operation was partially successful.
Don't worry about who the real father is, your son's chances of getting a full scholarship just increased significantly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ad8ig/youve_had_a_bad_day_but/
%
In the beginning God said let there be...

The chicken and the egg but I won’t tell you which one I made first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ad85e/in_the_beginning_god_said_let_there_be/
%
With Heaven getting full of good people, God decided to limit who got in by only allowing people who died horrible deaths.

So three men show up to the pearly gates and God asks the first man how he died.
The first man begins, "I was recently suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So one day I decided to come home early during my lunch break to check if my suspicions were real. I get to my apartment building and on the elevator ride up I start to get this uneasy feeling. I get to my floor, walk to my door and I hear weird noises coming from inside. I fill with rage and fumble to put my key into the door. I finally am able to open the door and bust into my bedroom. My wife, sitting in her underwear alone on our bed asks me 'what's wrong?' I scream at her 'I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING YOU CHEATING SLUT!' I rush around our apartment looking for the guy while she screams at me to calm down. I don't see him anywhere until I look out onto our balcony. There I see the guy hanging off the railing. I run out and start bashing his hands because obviously I'm filled with rage. He starts screaming and crying and I just kept banging. The fall would have easily killed him, being that it was a 5-6 stories. But this motherfucker won't let go! So I run inside and grab a hammer. I run back out and in one big smash to his fingers, I finally get that asshole to let go and he falls. But you wouldn't fucking believe it...this guy lands in a bush and SURVIVES! I'm so mad I run inside and look for something big to toss over the edge. I see my refrigerator and pick it up. It was insanely heavy but with all that adrenaline pumping, I'm able to get it to the balcony and toss it over the edge. I guess this put a strain on my heart because I immediately had a heart attack and died."
God admits, that was a pretty terrible way to die. He gestures for the second guy to tell his story.
The second guy says "ok so I was on my apartment building's roof doing my daily aerobics. I got super into the song I was listening too and wasn't paying attention. I ended up falling over the edge, but I was able to grab onto a balcony railing. What luck! I was so happy but didn't have the strength to pull myself over due to my intensive exercise routine I previously mentioned. Then I see this guy inside and he sees me but what do you know, this guy is raging about his wife cheating on him and he thinks I'm the guy! When he comes outside he starts bashing my fingers and I try my hardest to not let go, screaming at him to stop but to no avail. After realizing I wasn't letting go, he goes inside and runs back out with a hammer! He smashes my fingers and I let go. I think for sure I'm going to die but somehow I landed in a bush. I think to myself 'how lucky I am! That fall should have killed me!' But just as I'm thanking you for saving me, I see this refrigerator tilt over the edge and it falls on me, causing my death.
God says "wow that is pretty terrible as well. Ok. Third guy what happened to you?"
Third guy says "ok, imagine yourself naked in a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ad84u/with_heaven_getting_full_of_good_people_god/
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Pumping gas is a lot like pissing as a man

You can shake it all you want but there will always be a couple drops left when you put it away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ad3vb/pumping_gas_is_a_lot_like_pissing_as_a_man/
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Daddy, what are those two spiders doing," she asked?

"They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top," she asked? "A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs," the little girl asked?
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that crap here in Texas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ad3v7/daddy_what_are_those_two_spiders_doing_she_asked/
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Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’
Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ad37t/randy_staggered_home_very_late_after_another/
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kinda weird that my wife thinks I'm apathetic

I never knew that the "a" was silent though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ad32c/kinda_weird_that_my_wife_thinks_im_apathetic/
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An easy bet

Guy 1:Bro if you give “No” as the answer of my next question I will give you $1000.
Are you ready?
Guy 2:Yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ad1p1/an_easy_bet/
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"If the male genitalia is called a cock, why isn't female genitalia called a hen?"

"Angela, next time you're in a job interview, try to ask questions that are related to the position you're interviewing for."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ad1ke/if_the_male_genitalia_is_called_a_cock_why_isnt/
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What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

Hoarse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8acx1z/what_do_you_call_a_pony_with_a_sore_throat/
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Why is the nose in the middle of the face?

It’s the Scenter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8acw7n/why_is_the_nose_in_the_middle_of_the_face/
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I was hard at work today.

Still don't know why I got called into HR and written up for sexual harassment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8acvea/i_was_hard_at_work_today/
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Is google male or female?

Female, cause it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8actt4/is_google_male_or_female/
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A marine walks into a bar and tries to order a Bin Laden

“What’s that?”, the bartender asked
The marine replied, “two shots and a splash of water”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8actru/a_marine_walks_into_a_bar_and_tries_to_order_a/
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What’s the difference between your boss and your girlfriend?

Your girlfriend appreciates when you come late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8acsgn/whats_the_difference_between_your_boss_and_your/
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A Protestant and a Catholic are sitting in a pub

talking about birth control.
The Protestant says to the Catholic, "My religion allows me to use a condom when I make love to my wife but yours does not. Yet I've got 14 children and you have only 2. How can this be?"
The Catholic replies, "It's quite simple, I have sex during the safe times of the day."
"And when is that ?" asks the Protestant.
"When you're at work." replies the Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8acncv/a_protestant_and_a_catholic_are_sitting_in_a_pub/
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What do a 9V battery and a womans asshole have in common?

You know it's wrong, but sooner or later, youre gonna stick your tongue in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8acluy/what_do_a_9v_battery_and_a_womans_asshole_have_in/
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I really hope this country doesn't slip into depression...

Because if it does Trump will make sure it is the *Greatest* depression it has ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8acfd9/i_really_hope_this_country_doesnt_slip_into/
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An old lady got on a bus, and sat down behind the bus driver. After a couple minutes...

she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full. "Sure!", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth. After eating several more, he asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?" "Nope," the old lady replied, "Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8acf7x/an_old_lady_got_on_a_bus_and_sat_down_behind_the/
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Accidents can happen. I once accidentally sent a dick pic to every person in my contact list.

The stamps costed me a fortune.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8acdf4/accidents_can_happen_i_once_accidentally_sent_a/
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What do you call it when two transgender midgets are having sex?

A micro transaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8accy6/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_transgender_midgets/
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What's got two eyes, but can't see, two wings, but can't fly, and two legs, but can't walk?

A dead bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8acct8/whats_got_two_eyes_but_cant_see_two_wings_but/
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Man walks into a bar with a cat under his arm.

He orders a gin for himself and a tonic water for his pet.
"I'll serve your gin, but I won't make him anything", says the barman, pointing at the kitty.
"Why not", asks the man
"I don't want to end up in an unresponsive stupor", the barman replies
"What are you on about?" says the man, "he's the one drinking it".
"Yeah, but that's what happens every time I get catatonic"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ac9ry/man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_cat_under_his_arm/
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Another 'walks into a bar' joke

The barman says, 'That'll be two pounds please.'
He ordered a pint of lager.
A time-traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ac9e9/another_walks_into_a_bar_joke/
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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ac8um/so_little_johnnys_teacher_is_warned_at_the/
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I'm starting to identify more and more as trans-fat

I've been consuming a lot of gender rolls as of late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ac84r/im_starting_to_identify_more_and_more_as_transfat/
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A man eating in a restaurant calls the waiter over.

The man tells the waiter, “this restaurant must have a very clean kitchen!”
“Thank you sir, how did you know?”
“Everything tastes like soap.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ac7r6/a_man_eating_in_a_restaurant_calls_the_waiter_over/
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What do you call an indecisive potato?

A HESI-TATER.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ac3j8/what_do_you_call_an_indecisive_potato/
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Adam and Eve

Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden, talking to God.
He says to God “You’ve given me life, the purpose of naming every animal, and plenty of food to eat. You’ve made me comfortable, kept me well fed, and a sense of purpose. However, I’m feeling quite lonely; is there anything you can do to fix that?”
God replies “I will give you a partner, and she will be called “Eve”. She will stand by you, and support you. She will lift you up, enforce your rules, and be at your right hand whenever you ask. She will bear your children, and raise them to your liking. She will feed you, clothe you, and take care of you. She will be beautiful, graceful, and warm. She will be kind, caring, thoughtful, and will always be there for you. But, it is going to cost you an arm and a leg.”
Adam thinks for a second and says “....what can I get for a rib?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ac1hh/adam_and_eve/
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[Blonde Joke] A blonde woman is walking around town with her breast exposed

A man walks up to her and says "ma'am did you know your boob is out?"
The blonde looks down, seeing her exposed breast screams "OH MY GOD I LEFT MY BABY ON THE BUS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ac0i8/blonde_joke_a_blonde_woman_is_walking_around_town/
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Blonde Joke

Three pregnant women were having brunch together, discussing pregnancy matter, and the subject of the baby's gender came up.
Brunette: My baby's going to be a boy because when my husband and I conceived, I was on top.
Redhead: My baby is going to be a girl because I was on the bottom.
Blonde (bursting into tears): "My baby's going to be a puppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8abwvx/blonde_joke/
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I asked my depressed friend if he would like to go out

He said "I'm down"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8absxc/i_asked_my_depressed_friend_if_he_would_like_to/
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what did the buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school?

bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8absth/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_little_boy_when/
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You see comrade, there is no I in team.

But there is u in gulag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8abr16/you_see_comrade_there_is_no_i_in_team/
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What did the momma cow say to her baby cows?

It’s pasture bedtime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8abqs1/what_did_the_momma_cow_say_to_her_baby_cows/
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A neutron walks into a bar

He sits down and says to the bartender "how much for a drink?"
The bartender replies "for you? No charge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ablr8/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
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George Bush wanted to know how to better run his government

so he asked the Queen while he was visiting the UK. He asked "So, your Majesty, how do you run your country so well?". The Queen just smiled and said " Simple, I just surround myself with smart people. Watch." She called Tony Blair over and asked " Tony, who is the child of your father?" Tony, without skipping a beat, replied " Me". Impressed, Bush heads back to the States and decides to try this out. He asks Condoleeza Rice the same question, and she replies " Hm, I'll get back to you on that. " She then asks Sarah Palin "Sarah, who is the child of your father ?" And Sarah says " Me." She then heads back to Bush and when he asks her "Who is the child of your father", she replies "Sarah Palin!!". Bush loses his cool and shouts "No you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8abkpb/george_bush_wanted_to_know_how_to_better_run_his/
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Two silkworms were in a race.

They ended up in a tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8abg89/two_silkworms_were_in_a_race/
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I've just made up a word...

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8abcjr/ive_just_made_up_a_word/
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Police are like a box of chocolates

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8abcdq/police_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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A small white guy is using the urinal when a large black man walks in to the bathroom..

The black guy starts using the urinal and the white guy takes a peak over and with astonishment asks the black guy "How did you get a pecker that big?!". The black guy rolls his eyes and half jokingly says "Well what you have to do is wrap a bunch of rubber bands around it and attach weights on the end and leave them there". The white guy looks grateful and says thanks for the tips and leaves, while the black guy rolls his eyes and gives a "did that even happen?" type of chuckle.
Two weeks later the white guy comes into the same washroom and notices the same black guy there and excitedly tells him, "I listened to your advice and its working!!!". The black man looks confused, then horrified and asks what he means. The white guy says "Well it's not as big as yours yet but its now completely black!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ab937/a_small_white_guy_is_using_the_urinal_when_a/
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What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ab8sg/what_is_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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The world has just gotten way too politically correct

You can't even say something as completely innocent as "black paint", for example. Now you have to say something like, "Tyrone, please paint my fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ab87d/the_world_has_just_gotten_way_too_politically/
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ab7vr/little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class_doing_math/
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When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ab5n2/when_a_woman_removes_polish_with_chemicals_no_one/
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Tutorial on how to fall down the stairs:

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 6
Step 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ab0zr/tutorial_on_how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
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A guy is getting his routine checkup.

The doctor is doing the usual, checking his ears, checking his nervous responses, going over his records, etc. Over time, the doctor looks increasingly grave. Eventually, he stops his examination, takes off his glasses, and says: "I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop masturbating."
The man is shocked. "Why?" He asks, flummoxed and concerned. The doctor replies:
"Because I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aavet/a_guy_is_getting_his_routine_checkup/
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If you sin 90 times you'll only be caught 45 times

Because Sin 90 = Cot 45

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aauw2/if_you_sin_90_times_youll_only_be_caught_45_times/
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Never trust people that are in a hurry to go to the bathroom.

They're full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aatco/never_trust_people_that_are_in_a_hurry_to_go_to/
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Smoking is like masturbation:

it feels good right now, but at the end of the day, you're just fucking yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aasp6/smoking_is_like_masturbation/
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what's a Japanese ghosts favorite type of cake?

Boo Cah-Ke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aarrw/whats_a_japanese_ghosts_favorite_type_of_cake/
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03:00 doorbell

Ding-dong, Ding dong!  I rolled over to look at the clock: three in the morning.
"Oh no!  Something terrible must have happened!" said my wife.
I dragged myself out of bed, fumbled around to find a robe, and went downstairs. I opened the door, to find a disheveled stranger.
"Hi there," slurred the stranger in a reek of beer. "Can you give me a push??"
"No!” I said in annoyance. “It's three in the morning. I was asleep,"
I slammed the door, and went back up to bed.
I explained to my wife, and she said "That wasn't nice of you. Remember that night we stalled in a snowstorm collecting the kids from the babysitter, and you knocked on a door to ask for a boost? What would have happened if he'd slammed the door on us?"
"But this guy is drunk," I said.
"It doesn't matter," said my wife. "He needs our help and it’s the right thing to do."
So I got out of bed again, got dressed, and went downstairs.
I opened the door, and peering out into the dark, I called "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And I heard a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still unable to see the stranger I shouted, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replied, "I'm over here, on your swing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aaqpe/0300_doorbell/
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People kept insisting that I was swimming in the world's longest river .

I couldn't believe it. I was in de Nile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aaqid/people_kept_insisting_that_i_was_swimming_in_the/
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I love showing up to religious conventions cosplaying as a crucified Jesus.

I'm a cross dresser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aaqep/i_love_showing_up_to_religious_conventions/
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Guy walks into a bar

Grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds what he's looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention "I'm terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?" To which the man replies surprised "oh no no everything's fine! I just promised my wife I'd never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again." 😳

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aaq6r/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do the Scotsmen find their sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aap2g/how_do_the_scotsmen_find_their_sheep_in_tall_grass/
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My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aao4w/my_girlfriend_thinks_im_a_stalker/
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What's the moral of the story?

A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly, dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.
A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.
A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for it to go for the fish to shoot it.
A mouse sees the cheese sandwich and decides to wait for the hunter to shoot so that the sandwich will fall and he can get it.
A cat sees the mouse and decides to wait for it to go for the sandwich to jump and catch it.
So, the fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes for it, the hunter shoots, the sandwich falls, the mouse goes for it, and the cat jumps, but he misses and goes into the water.
The moral of the story: when the fly drops five inches, the pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aag0t/whats_the_moral_of_the_story/
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Why does a duck have feathers?

To cover his butt quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aafcf/why_does_a_duck_have_feathers/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aadnf/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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A pirate goes to see his doctor

... to look at the spots on his arm.
After examining them, the doctor looks up and says, “Nothing to worry about, they’re benign.”
The pirate says, “No, Doc, there be eleven! I counted them meself!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aaatb/a_pirate_goes_to_see_his_doctor/
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[Long] The American Fox Hunt

The US president, wanting to see which of his intelligence agencies was the best, released a fox into a wood and asked various agencies to catch it.
The NSA goes first. They tap the phone lines within the rabbit holes and monitor any internet searches on fox related topics within the wood. After a week they find nothing.
Now the CIA try. They awaken sleeper squirrels in the trees and end up destabilising the current wood government and economy in order to install a puppet government. Despite this they fail to find the fox.
After two agencies failed the LAPD offer their services to the president. The president is skeptical but allows them. After 20 minutes hunting around the forest three LAPD officers emerge with a badly beaten badger whose yelling "Alright, alright I'm a fox."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aa7ms/long_the_american_fox_hunt/
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Why was Dr Frankenstein never lonely?

He was good at making friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aa4g6/why_was_dr_frankenstein_never_lonely/
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A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are given the task to contain the largest amount of area with a limited amount of fence.

The physicist designs a square fence, showing that a square contains the most area.
The Engineer then designs a circular fence, showing that the area to circumference ratio is better than a square.
The mathematician think for a moment, then starts building a tiny fence around himself. When he's done, he says "I define myself to be the outside﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aa2on/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_mathematician_are/
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I don't care about skin color, race, sexual preference or social status.

I just hate everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8aa2oe/i_dont_care_about_skin_color_race_sexual/
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I dressed up like a giant rooster and scared my wife.

Apparently she doesn’t like boo cocky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9zyk/i_dressed_up_like_a_giant_rooster_and_scared_my/
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I saw a black guy riding a bike near my house yesterday

I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9zia/i_saw_a_black_guy_riding_a_bike_near_my_house/
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How does an elephant disguise itself as a cherry tree?

Paints his balls red.
Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9wop/how_does_an_elephant_disguise_itself_as_a_cherry/
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THE FROG WON'T BE YOUR BEAST OF BURDEN

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9wlz/the_frog_wont_be_your_beast_of_burden/
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Stalin is giving a speech in front of a large audience.

Suddenly, he's interrupted by a loud sneeze. Stalin stops talking and asks in an ominous tone: "Who just sneezed?" The audience is silent.
"Very well," says Stalin. "We'll do it my way, and believe me, I *will* identify the sneezer." The audience dares not speak.
"Very well," says Stalin. "First row stand up," Everybody in the first row does as they are told.  Then Stalin says, "Guards, open fire!"
A dozen NKVD guards execute everyone in the first row.
"Now," says Stalin, "I ask once again, who sneezed." The crowd is silent once again.
"Second row, stand up," says Stalin, and everybody in the second row rises.
"Guards open fire!" and once again, the NKVD guards shoot the entire second row.
Stalin then says: "We'll keep going, until the sneezer comes forward."
Suddenly, there is a voice in the crowd. "I sneezed, Comrade Stalin."
"It was you, Comrade?" asks Stalin inquisitively.
"Yes, Comrade Stalin."
"Well then, bless you Comrade" says Stalin and then resumes his speech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9vy1/stalin_is_giving_a_speech_in_front_of_a_large/
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What's the most expensive thing at Guantanamo Bay?

The water bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9up0/whats_the_most_expensive_thing_at_guantanamo_bay/
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What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use some lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9td2/what_do_you_do_if_your_wife_starts_smoking/
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A man goes into the doctor with lettuce sticking out of his ass. "That looks nasty,” says the doctor.

"Well,” says the man, "that's just the tip of the iceberg.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9tbe/a_man_goes_into_the_doctor_with_lettuce_sticking/
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What sound does a plane make when it hits a trampoline?

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9swd/what_sound_does_a_plane_make_when_it_hits_a/
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Last night I almost had a threesome

I only needed 2 more people!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9qhi/last_night_i_almost_had_a_threesome/
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The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"
The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9m58/the_father_of_five_children_had_won_a_toy_at_a/
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Donald Trump is moving forward with a bill to ban pre-shredded cheeses

He wants to make America grate again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9k2b/donald_trump_is_moving_forward_with_a_bill_to_ban/
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I don't know why people complain about using your phone whilst driving.

I can drive on the freeway and post this comment at the sa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9ezt/i_dont_know_why_people_complain_about_using_your/
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- I bought a cat

- Why did you buy a cat?
- My wife is afraid of mice
- You have mice at your house?
- Yes, I brought them a week ago
- Why did you bring mice into your house?
- I always wanted a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9eig/i_bought_a_cat/
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I've got a pretty long Police record

It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9ctx/ive_got_a_pretty_long_police_record/
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Why do S and U feel comfortable sharing intimate details to the one next to them?

Because that's where loyal T lies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9c5y/why_do_s_and_u_feel_comfortable_sharing_intimate/
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So this lady is getting on the bus with her baby...

And as she gets on, the bus driver glances at her child, does a double take and says "Gaaaaahhhh!!"
Well, this disturbs the lady, but she sits down.
The passenger next to her sees that she's disturbed, and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver was VERY rude to me!"
The passenger says, "Well, you should go give him a piece of your mind! Let me hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9a1h/so_this_lady_is_getting_on_the_bus_with_her_baby/
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What’s the difference between driving in the fog and 69?

When you’re driving in the fog, you can’t see the asshole right in front of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a938l/whats_the_difference_between_driving_in_the_fog/
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Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a9145/why_do_you_never_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
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It’s 1990, I told my idiot brother to take some money and buy a color TV

He came back home and asked “what color”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a8z43/its_1990_i_told_my_idiot_brother_to_take_some/
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A man goes into the doctor with a lettuce sticking out of his arse...

"That looks nasty", says the doctor
"Well", says the man "that's just the tip of the iceberg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a8yti/a_man_goes_into_the_doctor_with_a_lettuce/
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You're surely familiar with Murphy's Law, but do you know what Cole's Law is?

It's a cabbage salad, often served as a side dish at a BBQ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a8xzr/youre_surely_familiar_with_murphys_law_but_do_you/
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A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them

but when he rounded them up he had 200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a8uud/a_farmer_in_the_field_with_his_cows_counted_196/
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Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?

They said his pants fit like a glove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a8pzh/have_you_heard_of_the_man_with_5_penises/
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There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a8nx1/there_was_a_church_that_had_a_bell_that_no_one/
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My girlfriend says having a small dick shouldn't affect our relationship.

I dunno.. I would still prefer she didn't have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a8n5u/my_girlfriend_says_having_a_small_dick_shouldnt/
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Why do bad things happen to good people?

To make up for all the good things that happen to bad people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a8mz0/why_do_bad_things_happen_to_good_people/
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Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the hell out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a8l7u/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
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In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a8jji/in_a_crowded_city_at_a_bus_stop_a_beautiful_young/
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Which parts of a laptop are best suited for laying siege?

The battery and ram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a8j6l/which_parts_of_a_laptop_are_best_suited_for/
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A magician was driving down the street...

Then he turned into a driveway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a887d/a_magician_was_driving_down_the_street/
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Australians don’t have sex

Australians mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a87te/australians_dont_have_sex/
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I was sitting in traffic for hours this morning.

Almost got run over twice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a8709/i_was_sitting_in_traffic_for_hours_this_morning/
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I swear I am not addicted to cocaine!

I just like the smell of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a84zx/i_swear_i_am_not_addicted_to_cocaine/
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Why do Microsoft products cost money?

You gotta pay the Bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a81p1/why_do_microsoft_products_cost_money/
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3 men live in a flat

On the top floor lives a man with no sink, so he has to shave out of the window.
On the middle floor lives a man with no toilet, so he has to pee out of the window.
On the bottom floor lives a man with no oven, so he has to have a BBQ outside.
At the end of the day, all men meet up on the bottom floor to discuss how their day went.
Top floor man says, "my day was terrible, I dropped my razor". Middle floor man says "you dropped your razor? That must've been what chopped my penis off!" Bottom floor man goes "my day was brilliant! I got an extra sausage!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a8077/3_men_live_in_a_flat/
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What do you call an animal that got its horn cut off ?

A Eunuchorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a7uxo/what_do_you_call_an_animal_that_got_its_horn_cut/
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A guy walks into a coffee shop and asks if they have cold coffee

"Sorry we only serve hot coffee", Replies the owner.
So the guy walks away and comes back the next day and asks the same thing again, but they still didn't have any.
So the owner decided to make a cup of coffee early in the morning so it would be cold when the guy shows up.
"Do you have cold coffee ?"
"Yes sir , we do"
"Oh nice. I'll have that please"
The owner smiles and as he puts the cup of cold coffee on the counter the guy says "Oh, and could you heat it up for me please ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a7rfk/a_guy_walks_into_a_coffee_shop_and_asks_if_they/
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What did the Sushi chef say to the bee?

Wasabi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a7qg9/what_did_the_sushi_chef_say_to_the_bee/
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The Moscow State Circus are sad to announce...

The passing of their Human Cannonball.
A spokesman said they hoped that one day they might be able to find a replacement, but aren't sure they'll ever find another man of his calibre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a7mk9/the_moscow_state_circus_are_sad_to_announce/
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Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be 2 of them but now it's a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a7kl2/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
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Bush and Moses

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired,"Excuse me are you Moses?"
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again,"Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again;" Hey! Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice;"Yes I am"
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, " The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a7iau/bush_and_moses/
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What do you call a snail on a boat?

A snailor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a7hcy/what_do_you_call_a_snail_on_a_boat/
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Why did Harry Potter have to go to Diagon Alley before going to Hogwarts?

He didn't want to be an unwanded guest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a7h47/why_did_harry_potter_have_to_go_to_diagon_alley/
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Girlfriend broke up with me because I snorted a condom.

She said I rubber the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a7f9d/girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_snorted_a/
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What is Godzilla’s favorite cheese?

Gorgonzilla

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a7b73/what_is_godzillas_favorite_cheese/
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So this actor was out of work...

...and gets a call from his agent one day.
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"Alright!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"HARK, I HEAR THE CANNONS ROAR!," says the agent.
"Alright" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "HARK, I HEAR THE CANNONS ROAR!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes nuts, on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!, HARK, I HEAR THE CANNONS ROAR!!!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer at the door.
"Who the fuck are you?"
"I'm the opening line, HARK, I HEAR THE CANNONS ROAR" says the actor.
"You're the HARK, I HEAR THE CANNONS ROAR guy?" says the bouncer. "Shit, you're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who in the seven hells are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm HARK, I HEAR THE CANNONS ROAR!" he says.
"Shit, almost time! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost showtime."
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the fuckering fuck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm HARK, I HEAR THE CANNONS ROAR!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtain is about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage, and stands there muttering his line under his breath, "Hark I hear the cannon's roar, Hark I hear the cannons roar, Hark I hear the ca- Too late, the curtain rises, the ligths come up and he sees that the theater is full of eager audience members, awaiting his opening line. Suddenly, from behind him, there is a deafening, explosive noise behind him, he is scared shitless, bewildered, and turns to the audience to loudly exclaim...
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a7aym/so_this_actor_was_out_of_work/
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Tarzan’s Wood [NSFW]

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a75jh/tarzans_wood_nsfw/
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Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in the crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a72in/why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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My sister asked me if I was gay.

I couldn't give her a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6z5e/my_sister_asked_me_if_i_was_gay/
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6yeb/a_new_teacher_was_trying_to_make_use_of_her/
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At the job interview

"What's your biggest strength?"
"I'm incapable of understanding criticism.”
"That sounds more like a weakness.”
"Aw, thank you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6ydo/at_the_job_interview/
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Golf Joke

A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local course.  One of the men is about to tee off when he sees a funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He pauses, removes his hat, and bows his head in prayer.
His friend says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.”
The man shrugs then replies, “Yeah, well we *were* married for 35 years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6vlq/golf_joke/
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Go to the movies

Little Billy comes home from school one day and sees a note on the bedroom door.
"We left $15 on the table, go to the movies"
Curious, Billy looks through the keyhole and sees his dad on top of his mom, saying "Boy, Boy, Boy, Boy".
9 months later Billy's mom gives birth to a little boy.
Billy comes home from school another day, sees the letter on the door. He looks through the keyhole again and sees his parents again. This time, his dad was going "Girl, Girl, Girl, Girl".
9 months later, Billy's mom gave birth to a little girl.
One day, Billy's parents come home from work and see a letter on the bedroom door
"Go to the movies"
His parents look through the keyhole and see Billy on top of his girlfriend saying "Bicycle, Bicycle, Bicycle, Bicycle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6vgo/go_to_the_movies/
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I need both hands to masturbate...

...one for the magnifying glass and one for the tweezers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6oje/i_need_both_hands_to_masturbate/
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I have joke about unemployed people...

But none of them seem to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6oh6/i_have_joke_about_unemployed_people/
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What do you call it when a snake can't have sex?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6jko/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_snake_cant_have_sex/
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A man walks into a bar

after a long day at the office.  On his way in, he sees a man sitting there wearing extravagant clothes, with the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime.  As he approaches the bar he notices the man has an extremely small head, which is made worse due to the disproportionatly large scale of his body.
The two start chatting and the muscular gentleman notices that the other man keeps eyeing his comical cranium, so he opens up.
“By now I’m guessing you’ve noticed the difference between my tiny skull and huge body...”
“No... I hadn’t realized until you said something,” replied the first man sheepishly.
“Let me tell you a story.  About five years ago, I was on a trip to the Middle East and came across a magic lamp.  Upon inspecting the lamp, the most beautiful genie you can image appeared and granted me three wishes.  For my first wish I asked for 50 million dollars... with the snap of a finger a full truckload of money appeared before me!  For my second wish I asked to have the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime.  Another snap of the finger and voila!  I’m jacked without stepping foot in a gym once in my life.”
“What was your third wish?” asked the first man.
“Well, to be brutally honest I had been a broke, fat slob my whole life prior to getting my first two wishes.  I saw how gorgeous the genie was and asked her to sleep with me, but she told me that this would be impossible as genies don’t have genitals.  So I said, ‘How ‘bout a little head?’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6j25/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Apparently it's inappropriate for a group of white kids to put on a play of Aladdin, as it is racially insensitive and cultural appropriation. Possibly white washing.

I wonder if we'll see more Jews in Nativity Pageants come Christmas season this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6g1f/apparently_its_inappropriate_for_a_group_of_white/
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Has anyone else noticed that the symbol "&"...

...looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6ebk/has_anyone_else_noticed_that_the_symbol/
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My daughter asked where her names comes from

I told her: well, there are two things keeping your mother and I's marriage together, and they are both named Brandy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6du0/my_daughter_asked_where_her_names_comes_from/
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Batman walks into a bar and the barman asks "what can I get you ?"

Just ice...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6dam/batman_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_barman_asks_what/
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Three women were at a shrink’s office with their kids

The shrink told the first woman, “You love food so you named your child Candy.” He told the second, “You love money so you named your child Penny.” The third woman told her son, “This is ridiculous. Let’s get out of here, Peter.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6d6v/three_women_were_at_a_shrinks_office_with_their/
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My girlfriend says she thinks I'm a stalker

Well... She doesn't know she's my girlfriend yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a6cnu/my_girlfriend_says_she_thinks_im_a_stalker/
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Why are rabbits so quiet when they're having sex?

Because they have cotton balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a69mh/why_are_rabbits_so_quiet_when_theyre_having_sex/
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A man walks into a bar

and orders three shots of whiskey.
Bartender: You look terrible. What's the matter?
Man:  I just walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.
Bartender: That’s terrible!  How did you react?
Man: I threw her out of the house with all of her clothes and told her I’d be sending divorce papers in the morning.
Bartender: Good for you, that must have been difficult.  What did you do to your best friend?
Man: I waved my finger at him and said “bad dog!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a67m2/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Ja man, down in da islands, what de call de dew in de morning?

Daylight cum
(Hope I did OK transliterating the Jamaican accent.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a673n/ja_man_down_in_da_islands_what_de_call_de_dew_in/
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One of my friends from Mexico recently moved up to Wisconsin with me

Naturally, The first thing we did was go to a cheese shop. But he was being all tentative, only thinking about buying a small block of cheddar. He’s not going to fit in doing that.
So I said to him, “Jesus, take the wheel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a66vo/one_of_my_friends_from_mexico_recently_moved_up/
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A Calculus student is stuck in traffic...

After waiting 20 minutes with little movement, he decides to catch up on his homework. 5 Minutes in, he feels thirsty and realizes he has an unopened bottle of Coke in his backpack. He takes it out and opens it. However, as soon as he takes his first sip, a nearby police car start flashing it's lights and orders him to pull over to the side. When the cop reaches his car, the student asks:
"What am I being stopped for?"
The cop answers:
"Drinking and deriving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a65ua/a_calculus_student_is_stuck_in_traffic/
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When one door closes, another one opens...

...and that is when you realize you've bought a really bad second hand car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a645c/when_one_door_closes_another_one_opens/
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Bill, Hillary, Donald and Melania were sitting together in the train

... when the train went through a tunnel and the compartment reverberated with the noise of a tight SLAP! When the train came out the Donald had a swelling red hand print on his face. Bill   thought, "Stupid buffon must have grabbed Hillary's pussy". Donald thought, "Bill must have grabbed Melania's pussy and she slapped me thinking it was him". Meanwhile Hillary thought, "Can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that asshole again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a644z/bill_hillary_donald_and_melania_were_sitting/
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I once told a fishing pun

The cringe was reel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a63fp/i_once_told_a_fishing_pun/
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Having grown up in a small secluded area of Key West, I met a new friend who just moved here from New York.

Quite the change from all the hustle & bustle of city life for him.  I was excited to hear all about his life there over dinner with his parents in town visiting.
He exclaims: “Stores are massive, and the restaurants are fantastic!”
Then he said; “I went to a lot of topless bars! Great drink specials! Do you have those here??” (Grinning heavily)
His mom: “What do they do if it stars to rain?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a638h/having_grown_up_in_a_small_secluded_area_of_key/
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How do you avoid STDs while in a dangerous cult?

By making sure to practice safe sects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a62yo/how_do_you_avoid_stds_while_in_a_dangerous_cult/
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A polar bear walks into a bar

and says to the bartender “I'll have a Bud Lite. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and coke.”
The bartender asks “What's with the big pause?”
The bear responds: “I dunno... I've just always had them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a61qb/a_polar_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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I started out with nothing

And still have most of it left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5z9m/i_started_out_with_nothing/
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So a water bottle waddles into a furniture store...

before long a sales person notices and goes to greet it. "Can I help you find anything?"
"Well, I'm in need of a new couch. I spilled all over it and its ruined." the bottle crinkled out.
"Well you look like one of our VIP customers let me show you a couch you deserve."
They approached the "special" couch but it was torn to shreds. Disappointed,  the bottle responded to the offense "This couch is even worse!"
"no, no, no. This couch belonged to the prince of Nigeria! it has royal origins! usually this couch would go for 1000$ but for you I'll do 800$."
"oh excuse me, I didn't realize it was so unique! That's a great deal, I'll take it."
The bottle takes the torn up couch home not knowing he was just scammed... he was just too recygullible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5y3i/so_a_water_bottle_waddles_into_a_furniture_store/
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Did you hear about the NHL official that was arrested as a serial killer?

His name was Referee Dahmer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5suf/did_you_hear_about_the_nhl_official_that_was/
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Two women pilots are coming into Heathrow to land their plane

The copilot says, "That runway is a bit short, aint it?"
The pilot replies, "Yeah, but look how fucking wide it is!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5rrc/two_women_pilots_are_coming_into_heathrow_to_land/
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My gf said to me the other day, “You should quit cussing.” I said, “No fucking way, it’s fun, plus I can stop anytime I want...

I swear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5qww/my_gf_said_to_me_the_other_day_you_should_quit/
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Did you hear about the plant in Baton Rouge Louisiana thats been producing spanish food since the 11th century?

It's a bayou tapas-tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5qkk/did_you_hear_about_the_plant_in_baton_rouge/
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What do a missile silo and an Alaskan outhouse have in common?

They both contain IC BMs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5ppi/what_do_a_missile_silo_and_an_alaskan_outhouse/
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An American Tourist in Spain

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house.  When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, senor," agreed the waiter. "You see the bull, he does not always lose".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5koo/an_american_tourist_in_spain/
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What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar but you can’t TUNA FISH!

unless you play bass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5kkc/whats_the_difference_between_a_guitar_and_a_fish/
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Did you hear about the guy who lit his pants on fire?

He made an ash of himself!
^^how ^^ember ^^assing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5j9m/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_lit_his_pants_on/
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A Muslim and a Christian had a disagreement in a bar...

...so they talked it over and resolved their differences because they are both Canadians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5gmf/a_muslim_and_a_christian_had_a_disagreement_in_a/
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How do you get a walrus to commit suicide?

You point at its chest and say, "What's that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5gej/how_do_you_get_a_walrus_to_commit_suicide/
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Traffic Cop

After spending an hour at the mall I was ready to head home, but as I exited into the parking lot I saw a police officer writing a ticket.
"Hey, what gives?!" I exclaimed, hoping for some kind of explanation.
Without saying a word, the officer pointed to the no parking sign above the spot and continued writing the ticket.
"Don't you have anything better to do?  I know everyone hates traffic cops but you, my friend, are the biggest asshole of the bunch."
Having completed the first ticket, the officer began writing another for an expired registration.  His calm silence was irritating to say the least, and I decided that the only sensiblw thing to do was up the stakes.
"Oh, I'll bet that makes you feel big you pencil pushing little prick!  Are your parents proud of their son's "career?"  For the sake of humanity I hope you never reproduce, those worthless kids would wind up just as pathetic as their father."
This must have struck a nerve, because without saying a word the officer removed his baton and smashed the driver side headlight.  He then began writing *another* ticket for the broken light.
"What the fuck did you just do to my Mercedes you piece of shit?  This car is worth more than you'll ever make on your shitty traffic cop salary!  Clearly you don't know who I am, you'd be on your knees sucking my cock and begging me for forgiveness."
After a brief pause, the officer then proceeded to smash the windshield and driver side window.  He then walked over to the rear windshield and started going at it.  The car was beginning to look like a junk heap and the officer, still silent, continued writing more tickets.
"You absolute jackass!  How could any human being be so fucking stupid???  I hope you're ready to start looking for jobs flipping burgers!"
"Worth it," replied the officer, who continued battering the once beautiful specimen of automotive innovation.
Content that the silence had finally been broken, I turned away and started walking to the exit of the parking area.  While I would have loved to stay and see the outcome, I wasn't about to miss my bus home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5eej/traffic_cop/
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A blonde man, a black man, and an asian man are building a skyscraper

At the top, they stop for lunch. The black man opens his lunch and says "Fried chicken, everyday it's fried chicken, if I get fried chicken one more time, I'm jumping off this skyscraper!" The asian man opens his, and exclaims "Chow mein, every day its chow mein, one more time and I'm jumping too!" The blond opens his "PB&J, one more time and I'm joining you."
The next day, their lunches didn't change, and they all jumped.
At their funeral, the black mans wife and the asian mans wife were talking, sad that their husbands didn't talk to them. They saw the blonde mans wife, just bored on her phone. "Aren't you sad?" Asked the asian wife. "Don't look at me," the blonde wife said, "he makes his own lunch."
Disclaimer: i got this off a website years ago, credit to whoever you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5c1o/a_blonde_man_a_black_man_and_an_asian_man_are/
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So i beat a guy up with a dead iphone

charged for battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5bs3/so_i_beat_a_guy_up_with_a_dead_iphone/
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My sister hates relay batons

Pass it on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a5b8d/my_sister_hates_relay_batons/
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Trouble reading white names

have a hard time reading white names.
Ideally, you should write names in black or another darker color, white just blends into the paper.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a575t/trouble_reading_white_names/
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A guy walks into a bar...

A new guy in town walks into a bar after a long day, sits down at a bar and orders a beer. As he's sipping his beer, his eye catches a large jar behind the bar, filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man asks the bartender, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all of that money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"You've got to pay first."
Some chuckles from the regulars are heard around the bar.
So the guy gives the bartender a $10 bill, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"Okay, here's what you have to do: first, you have to drink a whole bottle of vodka. You get five minutes tops to down the whole thing. Second, there's a mean bulldog chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You've got to show her the night of her life."
"Well, I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money; that's impossible!"
The guy goes back to sipping his beer. He can't stop thinking about the jar full of cash. An hour (and a few beers) later, he gets up his nerve.
"ALRIGHT. I'LL DO IT."
The bartender smirks, twists the cap off of the bottle and plonks it down in front of him. The guy downs the whole thing in four minutes, lets out a big belch, and winces. He gets up and staggers out the back door. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside: barking, yelping and growling, for a good twenty minutes, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he stumbles back into the bar with his shirt ripped and bloodied, gashes all over.
"NOW," he slurs, "wheresda ol' lady wid the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a559r/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call Shakespeare’s works in Mecca?

Islamic pentameter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a54o7/what_do_you_call_shakespeares_works_in_mecca/
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A horse walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.
If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am."  So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.
I guess I could have explained all of that before I  told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a52oc/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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There's an easy way to tell an ants gender

Put in on water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a52dl/theres_an_easy_way_to_tell_an_ants_gender/
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Billy was a curious kid (NSFW)

Well billys parents were fighting one day. As the parents are fighting the dad calls the mom a Bitch and the mom calls the dad a Bastard.
Billy wants to know what Bitch and Bastard means so he asks his parents. They tell him it means ladies and gentleman.
Later that night the parents are having make-up sex and billy overhears them on his way to the bathroom. Mom tells dad she loves his dick and dad tells mom he loves her titties.
Well curious billy asks his parents at breakfast the next morning what dick and titties mean. They tell him it means hats and coats.
It is thanksgiving so the family is coming over for dinner, mom is in the kitchen and yells FUCK, as she had cut her hand cooking, billy overhears and comes running in and asks mom what fuck means after finding out she is ok and she tells him it means cutting. She tells him to go upstairs and get ready for dinner.
On his way up the stairs he hears his dad yell SHIT! while he is shaving. Billy comes in and asks dad what shit means, dad tells him it means shaving cream.
Shortly after the first guests arrive and billy is there to politely answer the door. He tells the guests as they come through the door.
Hello Bitches and Bastards, you can hang your Dicks and Titties on the coat rack my mom is in the kitchen Fucking the turkey and my dad is upstairs putting Shit on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a4rit/billy_was_a_curious_kid_nsfw/
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What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a4pi7/what_has_two_legs_and_bleeds_a_lot/
%
When using the bathroom I’ve adopted a two flush technique

One flush to - ya know - flush it down and another flush to wash my hands, it works a lot better than doing it all in one flush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a4jn5/when_using_the_bathroom_ive_adopted_a_two_flush/
%
I accidentally gave my girlfriend super glue instead of lip gloss

She is still not talking to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a4ivf/i_accidentally_gave_my_girlfriend_super_glue/
%
A man went swimming one day....

A man wanted to goswimming in the ocean. We walked down to the beach and he saw a fisherman. He asked the fisherman " are there any sharks in the water?" The fisherman said "well obviously, the ocean is huge! But in this particular area, no there are no sharks." The man asks again "you are absolutely certain that there are no sharks around here?". So the fisherman replies again "yes, I'm sure, there are no sharks in the water around here." So fairly convinced in his safety, the man takes of his shirt and runs into the water, I dives in and as soon as he surfaces the fisherman yells "there aren't any sharks because the gators got em all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a4ihj/a_man_went_swimming_one_day/
%
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a4hmm/a_fifteen_year_old_amish_boy_and_his_father_were/
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My friend just bought a self-pedaling exercise bike..

I hope it works out for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a4fxv/my_friend_just_bought_a_selfpedaling_exercise_bike/
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A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a4bt4/a_husband_takes_his_wife_to_play_her_first_game/
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Crop tops are very efficient.

They don't let anything go to waist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a46gu/crop_tops_are_very_efficient/
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If your parachute fails while skydiving, don't worry...

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a43cf/if_your_parachute_fails_while_skydiving_dont_worry/
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A goddess appears out of nowhere during an academic meeting.

The assembled faculty are dumbstruck as she hovers over the conference table. The goddess floats to a place directly in front of the school's philosophy professor. She speaks to him.
"You are a virtuous mortal. I have decided to grant you a wish. I will give you unfathomable wealth or ultimate wisdom. Which do you choose?"
"Wisdom!" he says, without hesitating.
A blinding flash fills the room, and the goddess disappears. The faculty look at the philosophy teacher. He seems bathed in a golden glow. He strokes his beard and knits his brow in thought. Everything about his presence now suggests immense wisdom.
The room is silent, with all eyes on the philosophy professor. Finally, another teacher whispers to him, "Please, say something!"
The professor mumbles, "I should have picked the money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a432k/a_goddess_appears_out_of_nowhere_during_an/
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Do you ever think alcoholics in Japan...

...just drink for the sake of it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a42t9/do_you_ever_think_alcoholics_in_japan/
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A guy is suffering from terrible headaches....

... So he goes to a doctor
Doctor tells him "sir, I'm sorry but we'll have to cut off your balls, it's the only way"
"No way doc, I want a second opinion"
So he goes to another doctor and another and another and they all tell him the same thing
Meanwhile his headaches are getting worse so he decides to do it
After the surgery he feels fantastic, he's so happy he decides to treat himself to a brand new suit.
He goes to a tailor and the tailor starts measuring
When he reaches the crotch he stops to ask
"Sir, do you prefer your balls on the right side or the left"
"Well you see I don't have balls now, but when I did I used to have them one on each side"
"Wow, didn't that give you terrible headaches?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a414y/a_guy_is_suffering_from_terrible_headaches/
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What's a communists favorite way to waste time?

Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3zd5/whats_a_communists_favorite_way_to_waste_time/
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What did communists use to light their houses before candles?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3xgm/what_did_communists_use_to_light_their_houses/
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A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”
The man comes in the next day and asks  the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”
The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”
The same thing happens the next day. At the end of the day the store owner decides to make a thousand pieces of bread in the hopes of making a huge profit!
The store owner spends all weekend working hard and makes a thousand pieces of bread.
On Monday, the man walks into the store again and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”
The owner smiles and replies “Yes, today we do indeed!”
The man shakes his head and says “it’s going to be a bitch selling all of them”
And walks away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3w6x/a_man_walks_into_a_bread_store_and_asks_the_store/
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Science builds planes and skyscrapers

but faith brings them together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3vsp/science_builds_planes_and_skyscrapers/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves you and never comes back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3vld/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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I have the bad habit of asking internet strangers for advice

Do you guys have ideas on how I can stop doing this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3ud1/i_have_the_bad_habit_of_asking_internet_strangers/
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A man walks into a sculptors studio and says...

"I would like a bust in my image so how much would that cost?"
The sculptor says " woah you only just walked in the door and you are already talking prices, let's back up a bit"
The man replied " I'm sorry I'm getting a head of myself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3tmq/a_man_walks_into_a_sculptors_studio_and_says/
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A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.
He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Squadron Leader pilot from Air Force , and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.' The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a Naval Lieutenant Commander, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.
The third interview was with an Infantryman and a commando qualified Major.
The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'
The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant officer, and he didn't mention my ears.'
He asked, 'Major, how do you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the officer replied, 'It's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f******g ears.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3sgz/a_young_army_officer_was_severely_wounded_in_the/
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Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3sc6/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
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Why didn't Jesus ever get his nails painted?

He had a hard time getting them out from the cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3s4x/why_didnt_jesus_ever_get_his_nails_painted/
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A baby is born in a poor family...

...they wanted to get the baby measured but as they were so poor they didn't posses any measuring device. Luckily the father got the idea that the local tailor surely has a tape measure. Tailor agreed to measure baby for free but insisted to take the baby to the back of the shop so the baby doesn't stain his expensive cloth. After a few moments he comes back and says to the father: "The baby is exactly twenty inches long."
After that the proud father wanted his baby weighted, but as the family was so poor he had no scales. Then father got another brilliant idea - the butcher must have scales! So he decided to get the baby weighted there. The butcher agreed to weight the baby for free but insisted to get the baby to the back of the shop where he had more precise scales. The father agreed so the butcher took the child to the back of the shop. After few minutes butcher comes back and says proudly to the father: "Five pounds without bones!"
PS: Sorry for my poor English.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3pbd/a_baby_is_born_in_a_poor_family/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3ozy/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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A farmer buys a new cock...

A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, the geese, and the lone parrot too.
That evening the farmer finds the cock lying out in the field, pale, half-dead, with vultures circling his head.
The farmer shouts, "you deserve that you horny bastard!"
The cock opens one eye slowly, points up, and replies "shhhh...don't shout, wait for them to land."
(Repost but I felt it needed to be told again)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3n6g/a_farmer_buys_a_new_cock/
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Breaking up with a Japanese girl is hard

You have to drop the bomb on them twice before they get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3mz4/breaking_up_with_a_japanese_girl_is_hard/
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A couple is walking through St. Petersburg square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man
“I think it’s snowing,” replies the woman
“How about we ask this communist officer right here? He’s always right.” Exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining” said officer Rudolph
The man turns to his wife with a smile, “see? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3mxf/a_couple_is_walking_through_st_petersburg_square/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3lpe/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
A priest offered to give a nun a ride (in his vehicle)

A priest offered to give a nun a lift. She got in, and crossed her legs, forcing her gown up and revealing a bit of leg.
Out of shock, the priest nearly lost control of his vehicle, swerved aggressively, and managed to re-stabilize the car.
Once he was driving safely again, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
"Father! remember psalms 129?"
He quickly removed his hand to shift gears, and nearly immediately began sliding his hand up the nuns leg.
"...Father? Remember psalms 129?" she said yet again.
"sorry sister, the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129, and it said, "go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory"
Moral: If you are not well informed in your career, you might miss great opportunities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3jkz/a_priest_offered_to_give_a_nun_a_ride_in_his/
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I have some wire frames and a curved lens.

Is that anything to make a spectacle of?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3gsv/i_have_some_wire_frames_and_a_curved_lens/
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My wife said, "it looks uncomfortable growing all that facial hair under your nose..."

must ache

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a3bv8/my_wife_said_it_looks_uncomfortable_growing_all/
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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a39zo/a_young_guy_from_north_dakota_moves_to_florida/
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My wife bought me a ridiculously expensive wig which covered me from head to toe! Wtf, I mean... I had to return it...

... simply far too much toupee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a38e7/my_wife_bought_me_a_ridiculously_expensive_wig/
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A new cache of pencils chewed by Shakespeare have been found

The bard apparently chewed them so much, he couldnt tell if they were 2B or not 2B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a37ru/a_new_cache_of_pencils_chewed_by_shakespeare_have/
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Have you heard about that surgeon that offers penis transplants?

It's a real dick move

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a36qr/have_you_heard_about_that_surgeon_that_offers/
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Dad joke: How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?

... look for The Fresh Prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a31qw/dad_joke_how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_a_snowstorm/
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I don’t like computer jokes

I don’t like them one bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a2x1i/i_dont_like_computer_jokes/
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My wife just delivered a baby!

She decided to deliver some toys too, in case the orphanage needs them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a2vm4/my_wife_just_delivered_a_baby/
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Jesus is a regular at my yoga class

Pilates screwed him up real bad but he keeps coming back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a2hzi/jesus_is_a_regular_at_my_yoga_class/
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I was at Walgreens this morning and I overheard an 80+ year old man tell a joke to the cashier. “You know the thing about dating now is...”

“I never get to meet their parents!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a2brl/i_was_at_walgreens_this_morning_and_i_overheard/
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The airport security guard said to me: "Straight this way."

I asked him, "Where do the gay people go?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a2an0/the_airport_security_guard_said_to_me_straight/
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Did you hear about the gang that smuggles viagra in their stomachs?

The cops are on the look out for a group of hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a29rp/did_you_hear_about_the_gang_that_smuggles_viagra/
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Why is North Korea evil?

Because it's Seoul-less! ;D
Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a2865/why_is_north_korea_evil/
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They should send Hillary Clinton to the U.S. Mexico border

Since no one can get over her...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a25qp/they_should_send_hillary_clinton_to_the_us_mexico/
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Why is it called a prion?

Because "protein" got misspelled when it was folded the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a2579/why_is_it_called_a_prion/
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What do you call a Russian homo who’s been knighted by the Queen?

Sergei

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a2139/what_do_you_call_a_russian_homo_whos_been/
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Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a1ynq/police_officer_how_high_are_you/
%
A tale of two rednecks

Two rednecks live on either side of a river. One named Billy, the other named Clarence. Well, every day the both go to the bank on their side of the river and yell insults at each other. One day, a construction company moves in a builds a bridge accross the river. Billy wakes up one morning and sees the newly finished bridge and declares to his wife "I'm gonna go beat up that Clarence feller once and fer all!" He sets out for the bridge, but, just as he's about to cross, he sees a sign and reads to himself "Clarence: 8 ft." Needless to say he decided beating Clarence up wasn't such a good idea.
Not my own joke. Heard in on a bus trip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a1yi3/a_tale_of_two_rednecks/
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Why doesn't anyone eat wookiee meat?

It's Chewie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a1v4l/why_doesnt_anyone_eat_wookiee_meat/
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Why is a dog mans best friend?

Lock your dog and wife in a trunk for an hour and see who's happier to see you when you let them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a1svq/why_is_a_dog_mans_best_friend/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me i was going to be arrested for being too good in bed

All charges were dropped after 2 minutes due to lack of evidence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a1qxe/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
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[NSFW] What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

*gagging noises*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a1q50/nsfw_what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the/
%
My Grandpa has Parkinsons

He's not able to do much but he beats me at every game of Hungry Hungry Hippos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a1ow2/my_grandpa_has_parkinsons/
%
Yo Mama so ugly,

She went into a haunted house and came out with a paycheck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a1l63/yo_mama_so_ugly/
%
What do you call a hand grenade that was thrown into a french kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a1jvi/what_do_you_call_a_hand_grenade_that_was_thrown/
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Man In Bar Orders Kingfisher Beer..

Lady Next To Him-
What A Co-incidence, Even I Have Ordered Kingfisher..
Man - I'm Celebrating.
Lady - Me too.
Man - What A Coincidence.
Why are you Celebrating?
Lady - My Husband & I Have Tried 4 Years For A Baby..
Today I'm Pregnant.
Man - What A Coincidence!
I Am A Farmer
For 4 Yrs My Hens couldn't lay any eggs
Today All are Laying Eggs
Lady - Wow! How Did That Happen?
Man - I Used A Different Cock
Lady Smiled & Said
WHAT A COINCIDENCE !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a1elz/man_in_bar_orders_kingfisher_beer/
%
The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear is...

Sphere Itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a1cup/the_only_thing_flatearthers_fear_is/
%
What do you call an Egyptian who treats sore muscles?

A cairopractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a1c6y/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_who_treats_sore/
%
A plane takes off with two hours delay. Once in the air a passenger asks the flight attendant:

"why did we take off so late?"
To which the flight attendant replies:
"well the pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a17al/a_plane_takes_off_with_two_hours_delay_once_in/
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Girl, forget chemistry, you and I have solid *geometry*

Because our points are maximally separated, and it’s perfectly platonic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a176u/girl_forget_chemistry_you_and_i_have_solid/
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A man sees two people engaged in a game of Chess at the gym

The man asks the two: “Why are you two here?”
One of them replies: “Those bodybuilders over there said it was Chess day”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a159j/a_man_sees_two_people_engaged_in_a_game_of_chess/
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What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a12nf/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a11mw/a_cowboy_appeared_before_st_peter_at_the_pearly/
%
What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0zpk/what_did_0_say_to_8/
%
I finally understand why everyone loves Gal Gadot

She Israeli hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0vy8/i_finally_understand_why_everyone_loves_gal_gadot/
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When the logician was given a choice between eternal bliss and a ham salad, which one did he choose?

Ham salad, because nothing is better than eternal bliss, and ham salad is better than nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0uqg/when_the_logician_was_given_a_choice_between/
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If Canada launched a space shuttle, what would it be called?

Apollo G

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0ua6/if_canada_launched_a_space_shuttle_what_would_it/
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Bob died in a fire

. The whole town knew that the body found in the trailer was Bob since he lived alone. But officially they needed to identify the body.
So the coroner's office brought in Bob's two best friends to identify the body. They take a look at the body and ask the coroner to flip it over. The coroner is a bit confused by the request but does so anyway. The first friend takes a look at the corpse's ass and proclaims, "That ain't Bob."
Now the coroner is thoroughly confused since the whole town knew that it couldn't be anybody but Bob. "How do you know it isn't Bob?" He asked.
"Easy, it ain't got two assholes. Bob has two assholes."
"He had the two assholes?" The coroner questions the two men.
"Yeah, we never saw 'em, but whenever we'd go drinking with Bob, people would always say, 'Look it's Bob with them two assholes.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0tq9/bob_died_in_a_fire/
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My mom said that if I don't get off the computer and do my homework she'll slam my head into the keyboard,

but I think she's jokinfreoiwjr67uiwosi94ckcjfkdald87lakdofasdkfj

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0r6r/my_mom_said_that_if_i_dont_get_off_the_computer/
%
I've been battling my addiction to thanksgiving leftovers for over a decade now.

It's hard to quit cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0qnj/ive_been_battling_my_addiction_to_thanksgiving/
%
Girlfriend: "Why do you have a photo of this hairy, tattooed, scarred butt on your computer?" [nsfw]

Me: "You found it... You found the Pirate's Booty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0psp/girlfriend_why_do_you_have_a_photo_of_this_hairy/
%
I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.

Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0p94/i_remember_when_my_dad_once_gave_me_money_to_pay/
%
A husband asks his wife why she no longer tells him when she has an orgasm

“Well”, she says, “You told me to stop calling you at work.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0mkq/a_husband_asks_his_wife_why_she_no_longer_tells/
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All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.
One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful steak, but he didn’t want wine to drink, which was the towns specialty. He wanted a simple coke. He asked the waiter if they had any, but the waiter said that there was only Pepsi. A little displeased, Larry went to his hotel and slept the night. The next morning he was on the road again.
A couple days later, Larry came across yet another small town named Galena, after the mineral mined by Native Americans. Being tired and hungry, Larry decided to stop for the night. He ate at a cozy little restaurant, ordering a club sandwich and a coke. The club sandwich tasted great but when the waiter brought out the coke, he explained to Larry that there was no coke left so he had brought Pepsi. Larry, who was craving a nice cold coke got a little angry this time, but left and slept for the night. He left the town early the next morning.
This time Larry traveled long and hard, for two whole weeks. When he decided to stop again, he was craving a coke. He stopped at a little town named Kawville, which was named after a North American-Indian people formerly of eastern Kansas. This town was known for its coin production, and Larry noticed that a factory was having a special promotion. A combined tour and supper inside the factory. Being a curious traveller himself he decided to go for it. After an amazing tour, Larry sat down to a great supper of ribs. Again, he asked for a coke, and this time the waiter brought him an ice cold coke. Larry turned to the waiter and said  “thank you so much, I guess the real coke is always in the Kaw-mints”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0lqk/all_he_wanted_was_a_coke/
%
Teacher joke

One day a young female teacher walks into her class and finds a drawing of a dick on blackboard. She clean it off and warns the kids to not do it again.
The next day when she arrives in the class, she finds a bigger dick drawing and beneath it was written," the more you rub it, the more it will get bigger".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0l2k/teacher_joke/
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Same shit different day. Unless you're a Plumber.

Then it's different shit same day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0hw4/same_shit_different_day_unless_youre_a_plumber/
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What do you get when you cross a Jehovah witness and a Mormon?

I have no idea but I can’t get him off my porch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0h0o/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_jehovah_witness/
%
I'm studying abroad.

I learn so much from her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0g0g/im_studying_abroad/
%
A robber attacked a man and said:

-Give me all your money!
The man said:
- You do know I'm a politician,right?!
-OK , give me all of MY money then! the man replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a0bcn/a_robber_attacked_a_man_and_said/
%
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a075r/i_really_cant_stand_it_when_homeless_guys_shake/
%
My ex girlfriend used to love coming home and finding me naked on the bed

now she just calls the police

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a05lq/my_ex_girlfriend_used_to_love_coming_home_and/
%
A man is getting into the shower

just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, their neighbour, Jimmy, is standing there. Before she can say anything, Jimmy says "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking about it for a moment, she drops her towel and stands naked in front of Jimmy.
After a few moments, Jimmy hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps her towel back, and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks "Who was that?"
"Jimmy" replied the wife.
"Great!" said the husband, "Did he mention the $800 he owes me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a037w/a_man_is_getting_into_the_shower/
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What kind of poultry is good at dancing?

A twerkey!
Apologies for the awful joke. Thought of it this morning and it made me laugh for an unreasonable length of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8a01my/what_kind_of_poultry_is_good_at_dancing/
%
Yo mama so ugly

That your dad takes her to work with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89zua3/yo_mama_so_ugly/
%
One should avoid marriage at any cost. Marriage is hard work. And compromise. And more work.

Even Hitler committed suicide 40 hours after marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ztz5/one_should_avoid_marriage_at_any_cost_marriage_is/
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Someone threw a penny at me today...

I thought it was real cheap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89zq2g/someone_threw_a_penny_at_me_today/
%
What do you call a pig in hiding?

Inhognito.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89zjhx/what_do_you_call_a_pig_in_hiding/
%
Sometimes I tell Dad jokes

Sometimes he laughes at them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89zimt/sometimes_i_tell_dad_jokes/
%
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs

I was really shocked, because I've been his loyal customer for 6 years and I had no idea he was a barber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89zg1g/my_neighborhood_barber_just_got_arrested_for/
%
An 18 year old boy was delivering papers to an apartment building.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89zceo/an_18_year_old_boy_was_delivering_papers_to_an/
%
When I asked the court why I was forced to accompany a gentleman to a social engagement

They said I was mandated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89zax0/when_i_asked_the_court_why_i_was_forced_to/
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The waiter told me that their restaurant had an all-you-can-eat buffet.

I couldn't ask for more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89z9hx/the_waiter_told_me_that_their_restaurant_had_an/
%
What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89z5yt/whats_the_difference_between_a_snow_man_and_a/
%
Every time you said eXpresso

An Italian falls off a Vespa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89z5h5/every_time_you_said_expresso/
%
19 and 20 got into a fight

21.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89z519/19_and_20_got_into_a_fight/
%
Why did Professor X take on an insect as a student when it couldn't talk?

Because it was a mute ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89z2c8/why_did_professor_x_take_on_an_insect_as_a/
%
The difference between a Lover,a Hooker and a Wife?

During sex, Hooker scream faster, faster! Lover screams slower, slower!
A wife looks at the ceiling and says BLUE! I'll paint the ceiling blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89yxbu/the_difference_between_a_lovera_hooker_and_a_wife/
%
Enemies of Russia enjoy which track and field sport the most?

Shot Putin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89yx2q/enemies_of_russia_enjoy_which_track_and_field/
%
What did the hipster say about the Chilean miners?

I liked them so much better when they were underground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ywee/what_did_the_hipster_say_about_the_chilean_miners/
%
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage, but the man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir." the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89yk5j/a_man_in_melbourne_walked_into_the_produce/
%
Last week I fucked my sister in law

This week I fucked my brother in geography

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89yij3/last_week_i_fucked_my_sister_in_law/
%
After a long two-week criminal trial in a high profile bank robbery case,

the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes, your honor," the foreman responded. "Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court." "We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?" The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to return the money?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89yg7d/after_a_long_twoweek_criminal_trial_in_a_high/
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Why is three times ten same as two times sixteen?

Because three times ten is thirty,
And two times sixteen is thirty, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89yenh/why_is_three_times_ten_same_as_two_times_sixteen/
%
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ybma/i_once_stayed_up_all_night_trying_to_figure_out/
%
Elvis Presley reportedly sent back shoes because they said "Made In China".

He always wanted a little less Converse Asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89yb3e/elvis_presley_reportedly_sent_back_shoes_because/
%
Saw a screenplay about the life of a pair of eyeglasses

It was a myopic biopic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89y90z/saw_a_screenplay_about_the_life_of_a_pair_of/
%
My dad ought to buy a dictionary.

He just said, "I need words with U."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89y8zs/my_dad_ought_to_buy_a_dictionary/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus

It only takes 1 nail to hang up the picture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89y8zc/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
It's important for military engineers to know what an impact driver is.

This is not a drill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89y6on/its_important_for_military_engineers_to_know_what/
%
I wasnt aware that the name Niamh was pronounced Neve

Until my mate Stiamh told me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89y2bj/i_wasnt_aware_that_the_name_niamh_was_pronounced/
%
What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle
I'll show myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89y0g6/what_is_a_chefs_favorite_gun/
%
What do you call a husband and wife going for a walk?

Straight forward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89xz5y/what_do_you_call_a_husband_and_wife_going_for_a/
%
I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89xt48/i_lacked_confidence_in_my_ability_as_a_sheep/
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How do you dismiss a bird that's making fun of you at a bar?

Tequila mocking bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89xrz0/how_do_you_dismiss_a_bird_thats_making_fun_of_you/
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The Chinese Doctor

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'You know what I realized? This joke seems oddly familiar..’
Lawyer: ‘Yeah you’re right, I remember seeing this joke before on /r/Jokes!’
Chinese: ‘Congrats, your memory is restored. Give me $20.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89xosi/the_chinese_doctor/
%
Why do graveyards have fences?

Because people are dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89xkbu/why_do_graveyards_have_fences/
%
Do you want to hear brand-new unoriginal jokes?

Nah, I already reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89xj2j/do_you_want_to_hear_brandnew_unoriginal_jokes/
%
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt.

The bartender asks, “What can I get for ya?”
The man says, “A beer for me, and another for the road.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89xg25/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_piece_of_asphalt/
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What ethnicity are you when you're making your way to the bathroom?

Rushin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89xfnb/what_ethnicity_are_you_when_youre_making_your_way/
%
An officer accidentally hit a civilian

He was the first officer on the scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89xfmi/an_officer_accidentally_hit_a_civilian/
%
Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89xedb/why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
%
Savage dad

Son: D..d..d
Dad: Aww he’s saying his first words!
Son: D-dad, stop m-making fun o-of my stutter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89xcxn/savage_dad/
%
1 A doctor gets a call at 5 AM. "Me and my friend, we went hunting. He fell off from a tree. I think he's dead. Help..." The Doctor says, "Calm down. Do exactly as I say and everything will be OK." "Ok, Doctor." The doctor says "First, I want you to check and make sure your friend is dead."

The Doctor hears a loud BANG.
"Yup, I've made sure. What next?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89xcvi/1_a_doctor_gets_a_call_at_5_am_me_and_my_friend/
%
An easy question to Albert Einstein!

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89xct0/an_easy_question_to_albert_einstein/
%
This guy walks in a Toy R Us to buy a Barbie for his daughter's birthday.

First Barbie he sees: Barbie with ski set: 29.99
Second Barbie that caught his attention: Barbie on a motorcycle: 34:99
Third Barbie he sees: Divorced Barbie: 249.99
So he go and asks an employee why is the Divorced Barbie so expencive.
The employee replies: That's because this set comes with Ken's car, Ken's motorcycle, Ken's boat and Ken's house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89x9p0/this_guy_walks_in_a_toy_r_us_to_buy_a_barbie_for/
%
Police say their investigation into the shooting at the YouTube headquarters has been hampered...

...by having to sit through a 5 second advert before interviewing each witness...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89x9gi/police_say_their_investigation_into_the_shooting/
%
A Italian chef was diagnosed with terminal illness a year ago...

He’s about to pastaway
He cannoli do so much...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89x7ks/a_italian_chef_was_diagnosed_with_terminal/
%
Blonde walks into a library and searches around for an hour.

Eventually she approaches the librarian with a book in her hands.
"Ah, learning all about fire I see", says the librarian, "very interesting".
"Well, no actually... " replies the blonde, "my boyfriend sent me out to get something, but this is the closest I could find".
"I'm sure I can help", says the librarian, "what did he ask you to find?"
"A book of matches"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89x731/blonde_walks_into_a_library_and_searches_around/
%
Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?

Patient: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89x4o5/doctor_what_is_your_zodiac_sign/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89x17u/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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A guy wants to commit suicide

but he has tried in the past and failed. This time he is ready and has a failsafe plan. He decides that he is going to swallow poison, shoot himself in the head and hang himself at the same time. He goes to the local bridge and ties a rope around the railing. He places the noose around his neck, puts the gun to his temple and takes a mouthful of poison and jumps. The gun goes off and he misses his head and the bullet cuts the rope in  half. He screams as he falls into the water below. The water rushes into his mouth and washes the poison away. He swims to shore and says " Thank God, if I hadn't been able to swim I might have drowned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89wzag/a_guy_wants_to_commit_suicide/
%
what’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

dr dre!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89wx0r/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
3 skiers

arrive at the lodge to find there is only one room available. They reluctantly accept, and find that it has only one bed. Come time to sleep they agree to share the bed.
The next morning the 3 awake to which says, "last night I had the most vivid dream that I was getting a handjob." Another replies, "I had a dream like that too." And the third simply says, "huh, I dreamed I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89wtru/3_skiers/
%
What’s a pirates favorite letter?

You think it be ARRRR but it’s the Sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89wqr3/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
So I failed my sex ed test yesterday.

I was asked “When a woman is on her period, what does she make?”
Apparently “A mountain out of a molehill” was not the right answer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89wk2h/so_i_failed_my_sex_ed_test_yesterday/
%
I was once told by a Japanese student that this is an old story. One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.

They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.
The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."
The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."
So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.
An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89wid7/i_was_once_told_by_a_japanese_student_that_this/
%
A penis has a tough life

His hair’s a mess, his family’s nuts, his neighbor’s an asshole, his best friend’s a pussy and his owner fucking beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89whva/a_penis_has_a_tough_life/
%
The Perfect Man

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Ryan".
Passenger: "Who?".
Cabbie: "Ryan Jay Robinson. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Ryan Jay Robinson, every single time".
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody".
Cabbie: "Not Ryan Jay Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy".
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special".
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Ryan Jay Robinson, he could do everything right".
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then".
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Ryan, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Ryan Jay Robinson".
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?".
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Ryan. He died. I'm married to his widow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89whrz/the_perfect_man/
%
Did you hear about the 2 criminals who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89wfq1/did_you_hear_about_the_2_criminals_who_stole_a/
%
How do we know 9/11 wasn't a government plot?

Because it worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89wb9k/how_do_we_know_911_wasnt_a_government_plot/
%
Iron Man...

is a FeMale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89waz5/iron_man/
%
A bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

Bartender: "I can't serve you"
Bear: "Why not?"
Bartender: "We don't serve animals?"
Bear: "I will ask again and if you say no I will eat the bitch at the end of the bar. Give me a beer."
Bartender: "No can do."
So the bear goes and eats the woman and comes back
Bear: "Now give me a beer."
Bartender: "I can't do that. We don't serve drug addicts."
Bear: "What are you talking about now?"
Bartender: "That was a bar bitch you ate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89wap0/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_beer/
%
My girlfriend can be really loud during sex.

I don't know why, she knows no one is coming to help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89w6lz/my_girlfriend_can_be_really_loud_during_sex/
%
I don't like people who take drugs...

It's stealing. I paid for them fair and square.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89w34p/i_dont_like_people_who_take_drugs/
%
The irony of the fat acceptance movement...

is the inheirant lack of movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89vwi4/the_irony_of_the_fat_acceptance_movement/
%
A man get pulled over for speeding.

The officer walks up to the driver window and the driver rolls it down.
Officer: “can I see your license”
Driver: “sorry I can’t do that, I don’t have a license.”
Officer: “you don’t have one?”
Driver: “yup, lost it drunk driving 5 times”
Officer: “okay, can I see the registration for this car?”
Driver: “well you see officer I can’t do that seeing as this here cars stolen”
The officer is taken aback. “Stolen?”
Driver: “Yup killed the owner for it”
Officer: “you what?!”
Driver: “she’s in the trunk if you want to see”
At this point the officer starts to back away and call for backup. A senior officer approaches moments later, hand on his gun holster.
Senior: “sir can you step out of the car?”
The driver steps out and asks “is there a problem officer?”
Senior: “one of my officers is saying you stole this car and murdered the owner.”
Driver “murdered the owner?!”
Senior: “yes could you please open the trunk?”
The trunk is empty.
Senior: “sir, is this your car?”
Driver: “yes sir” he says, registration papers in his hand ready he hands them to him with his license.
Looking confused the senior says “for some reason my officer is telling me you don’t have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner”
Driver: “I bet you that lying bastard told you I was speeding too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89vvoc/a_man_get_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
What do witches use most on their phone?

Spell check

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89vun0/what_do_witches_use_most_on_their_phone/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89vubg/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
What do you call a medical student who graduated at the bottom of his class?

Doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89vqic/what_do_you_call_a_medical_student_who_graduated/
%
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”...

Is a great quote, but it’s not the best way to tell your kid that he’s adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89vkpy/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
Why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor?

It was a stage he was going through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89vfja/why_did_the_overweight_actor_fall_through_the/
%
How many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. She just holds the bulb in the socket while the world revolves around her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89vcpm/how_many_cheerleaders_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What did the captain of the Titanic say to the guy lowering a half empty lifeboat?

Too soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89vbfz/what_did_the_captain_of_the_titanic_say_to_the/
%
I heard r/Jokes is going to open a brick and mortar location..

It’s gonna be a second hand store, of course

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89v8j7/i_heard_rjokes_is_going_to_open_a_brick_and/
%
Am I secluded?

That's my business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89v7ru/am_i_secluded/
%
My girlfriend is like a Infinite Lists video

It was promising at the beginning, but I wish I never saw it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89v7jf/my_girlfriend_is_like_a_infinite_lists_video/
%
A group of guys are having a quiet drink at the bar one night...

when an older man shouts from across the room, "I fucked your mother!"
The guys ignore him and continue talking amongst themselves.
A few minutes later the man shouts over again. "Your mother has sucked my cock!"
Again they ignore him and continue with their conversation.
A few more minutes pass and once again the man shouts across to them. "Your mother loves it up the shitter!"
Finally, one of the guys has had enough. He puts down his pint, stands up and shouts back at the man. "Go home, dad. You're drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89v51y/a_group_of_guys_are_having_a_quiet_drink_at_the/
%
Jacob never needed to set up that complicated plan to steal the blessing from Esau.

He could have just sneezed and let Issac say "bless you, Jacob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89v4j2/jacob_never_needed_to_set_up_that_complicated/
%
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89v3xp/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
Stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89v0xn/stay_of_execution/
%
Whats black and doesn't work?

Decaf Coffee you racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89v07q/whats_black_and_doesnt_work/
%
What caused the wizard’s business to fail?

He paid too much for his staff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89uz9r/what_caused_the_wizards_business_to_fail/
%
I got this new pair of jeans and they're really stretchy so I call them my dancing pants...

because of the ballroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89uug6/i_got_this_new_pair_of_jeans_and_theyre_really/
%
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89uss7/have_you_heard_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
%
My dick was in the guinness book of world records

but the librarian told me to take it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89urlu/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist?

He got the sack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ur6t/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_circumcisionist/
%
How did the stoner die?

Blunt force trauma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89unea/how_did_the_stoner_die/
%
A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.
The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."
The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."
The farmer says, "Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses."
The policeman says, "Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing."
The policeman says, "Well, that's a good thing, then."
The farmer adds, "But ... it's hard to fool those circle flies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89un5v/a_policeman_pulls_a_farmer_over_for_speeding_and/
%
Father, I must confess I’ve been having sex with two gorgeous models everyday for the past month.

Father: Well, as a good catholic I can’t condone this behaviour.
Man: I’m Jewish
Father: What are you telling me for then?
Man: *shrugs* I’m telling everybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89uh3m/father_i_must_confess_ive_been_having_sex_with/
%
What do you call a dyed redhead?

A transginger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ueh3/what_do_you_call_a_dyed_redhead/
%
A guy finds a super expensive frog at a flea market

He asks the salesman why is the frog so expensive.
“Because he can give one hell of a blowjob..”
The guy gets intrigued and buys the frog.
Later that night, his wife comes home to see him lying in their bed naked, with the frog on his shoulder, reading a cooking book.
“What the hell is this??”
“Baby, if this frog learns how to cook, you’re outta here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ua60/a_guy_finds_a_super_expensive_frog_at_a_flea/
%
I'm a slut for water

You could say I'm a h2hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89u8hp/im_a_slut_for_water/
%
My buddy needed some help redoing some posts for his fence

so I recommended r/jokes they're reposting kings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89u6we/my_buddy_needed_some_help_redoing_some_posts_for/
%
A kid gets out of his seat to leave class

"I'll be right back."
He's known for being a bit of a troublemaker, but the teacher can't deny him if he needs the restroom. The teacher says, "Alright, you can go. But first, spell today's vocabulary word, 'pterodactyl'."
He spells out, "T-E-R-O-D-A-C-T-Y-L."
She says to him, "Good job. However, you left out the P. Because it's silent?"
"Yeah," he goes, "and it's dripping down my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89u6tp/a_kid_gets_out_of_his_seat_to_leave_class/
%
Want to hear a construction joke?

I'm still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89u5an/want_to_hear_a_construction_joke/
%
What’s the difference between a proctologist and someone who works retail?

A proctologist only deals with one asshole at a time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89u568/whats_the_difference_between_a_proctologist_and/
%
The doctor's office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokemon.

I don't know what the hell they're taking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89u4qf/the_doctors_office_blocked_my_number_after_i_kept/
%
Why did the man put a sweater on his hot dog?

Because it was a chili dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89u3rf/why_did_the_man_put_a_sweater_on_his_hot_dog/
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A Maori Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital , so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A guy walking past sees the sign and thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100, so he goes into the clinic.
Guy: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Guy: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doc; "Chur, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed guy goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Guy: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Guy (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doc; "Chuuur. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming guy pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Guy: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Guy (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doc; "Chuuuur, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89u32i/a_maori_doctor_cant_find_a_job_in_a_hospital_so/
%
I went to a psychiatrist's office, wearing only Saran wrap underwear and the doctor took one look at me and said...

“Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89u2o8/i_went_to_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing_only/
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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89trao/a_woman_takes_a_lover_during_the_day_while_her/
%
I don’t like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89tohu/i_dont_like_people_who_take_drugs/
%
What do you call a middle eastern Elvis Presley impersonator?

Amal Shookup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89tihz/what_do_you_call_a_middle_eastern_elvis_presley/
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*Puts arm around friend* "What's the different between an asshole and a hole in the ground?"

"You can't put your arm around a hole in the ground."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89teqn/puts_arm_around_friend_whats_the_different/
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My hayfever makes me sneeze like my dairy intolerance makes me fart.

I hate my analogies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89tdqv/my_hayfever_makes_me_sneeze_like_my_dairy/
%
The Japanese version of Netflix and Chill

is Hentai with Senpai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89t99x/the_japanese_version_of_netflix_and_chill/
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What is one thing a guy should never say in Victoria’s Secret?

Does this come in children’s sizes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89t8p9/what_is_one_thing_a_guy_should_never_say_in/
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Did you know pigeons die after they have sex?

At least the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89t70x/did_you_know_pigeons_die_after_they_have_sex/
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A wife got this letter from Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Samples:
Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are currently attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Samples have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Brown
President and CEO
WalMart Complaint Department
MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton — Complaints — Things Mr. Royse Samples has
done while his wife was shopping:
1. November 15, 2005: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. November 23, 2005: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. December 10, 2005: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. December 23, 2005: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares!” ….. and watched what happened.
5. January 10, 2006: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-away.
6. January 23, 2006: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. Feburary 15, 2006: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. March 5, 2006: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
9. March 26, 2006: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. April 2, 2006: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. April 15, 2006: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. April 26, 2006: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
13. May 1, 2006: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! — PICK ME!”
14. May 12, 2006: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, “NO! NO! Sheila! It’s those voices again!!!!”
And last, but not least, just today….
15. May 16, 2006: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, “Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89t6r5/a_wife_got_this_letter_from_walmart/
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My Girlfriend said she doesn’t like period jokes,

I said it’s because you only get them once a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89t4xh/my_girlfriend_said_she_doesnt_like_period_jokes/
%
My wife left me a note saying “I want a divorce,

I’m already seeing someone, you’re not a good husband and I can’t deal with your nitpicking anymore.”
So then I called her and said “Nit-picking has a hyphen in the word.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89t2xm/my_wife_left_me_a_note_saying_i_want_a_divorce/
%
A man of the cloth was touring the country preaching.

He stopped at an unfamiliar hotel chain for the night and asked for a room. He took his room key and told the young woman working behind the front desk, "There better be bibles in the nightstand and the porn channels disabled."
She looked shocked and responded "No! They're normal you pervert!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89t2bi/a_man_of_the_cloth_was_touring_the_country/
%
What does Trump think about trading with China?

It's tariffic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89swjo/what_does_trump_think_about_trading_with_china/
%
How do you cook duck eggs?

You quack them open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89svpj/how_do_you_cook_duck_eggs/
%
Did you know that Earth can fit into Uranus 63 times?

64 if you relax enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89su5s/did_you_know_that_earth_can_fit_into_uranus_63/
%
The World's Greatest Detective.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They'd gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke and shook his companion.
"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of brilliant stars," Watson answered.
"And what does that tell you?"
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are countless galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically speaking, Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. And you, Holmes?"
Holmes paused. "What I see, Watson, is that someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89sta6/the_worlds_greatest_detective/
%
A police officer and a klansman walk into a bar

he sits down and orders a drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ssnb/a_police_officer_and_a_klansman_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What’s the problem with an Asian pet store?

There's always a kitchen in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89sqcm/whats_the_problem_with_an_asian_pet_store/
%
Adam and Eve

Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden, talking to God.
He says to God “You’ve given me life, the purpose of naming every animal, and plenty of food to eat. You’ve made me comfortable, kept me well fed, and a sense of purpose. However, I’m feeling quite lonely; is there anything you can do to fix that?”
God replies “I will give you a partner, and she will be called “Eve”. She will stand by you, and support you. She will lift you up, enforce your rules, and be at your right hand whenever you ask. She will bear your children, and raise them to your liking. She will feed you, clothe you, and take care of you. She will be beautiful, graceful, and warm. She will be kind, caring, thoughtful, and will always be there for you. But, it is going to cost you an arm and a leg.”
Adam thinks for a second and says “....what can I get for a rib?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89solo/adam_and_eve/
%
A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89so4p/a_blonde_came_up_to_the_librarian_and_yelled_this/
%
What do you call ad copy written by a communist?

Marxeting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89sj09/what_do_you_call_ad_copy_written_by_a_communist/
%
If you ever miss 4:20

Just wait until 4:22 because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89sgjh/if_you_ever_miss_420/
%
The YouTube shooter yesterday was a woman

It's good to finally see a tech company embrace gender diversity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89sfgs/the_youtube_shooter_yesterday_was_a_woman/
%
What's the best thing about duct tape?

It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89se88/whats_the_best_thing_about_duct_tape/
%
What do you call a disappointed giant?

A sighclops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89sdk2/what_do_you_call_a_disappointed_giant/
%
Why does Manny Pacquiao hate spring?

Because it has May weather in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89scvp/why_does_manny_pacquiao_hate_spring/
%
Why the fuck does pornhub even have a share to google+ button..?

I don't want anyone to know I have a google+ account...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89scjy/why_the_fuck_does_pornhub_even_have_a_share_to/
%
I tried horse racing once, but I fell at the first fence.

I might have done better if I had a horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89sc6o/i_tried_horse_racing_once_but_i_fell_at_the_first/
%
Only hardcore Star Trek fans know Zefram Cochrane's real name.

Zefram Katsopolis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89sacp/only_hardcore_star_trek_fans_know_zefram/
%
I don't get why people get mad when I yell 'white power'.

We used to use 'black power' and ya got mad at that too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89s9f6/i_dont_get_why_people_get_mad_when_i_yell_white/
%
The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89s7s3/the_other_day_i_had_sex_with_my_third_cousin/
%
Rewatched The Last Jedi and noticed that they missed an opportunity when they named the black BB droid.

They should have called him BBc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89s7dv/rewatched_the_last_jedi_and_noticed_that_they/
%
Two psychology professors have lunch together...

One said: "Oh boy, something really embarassing happened to me today - I had a Freudian slip today in lecture. I wanted to tell my students 'read chapter 14 on Ivan Pavlov'. Instead I accidentally said 'read chapter 14 on Ivan Fuckloaf'"
"Oh well", said the other, "that's nothing. I was having breakfast with my wife this morning and had a Freudian slip as well. Instead of saying 'Honey, could you pass me the butter?', I said 'You stupid bitch, you ruined my life'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89s757/two_psychology_professors_have_lunch_together/
%
A young couple got together and started making out.

One thing led to another, and soon they were about to have sex. Just then they realise that neither of them really know what to do. The girl said she’d ask her mom about the steps. Her mom said that both have to undress and then she should grab the hardest part of his body and put it inside where she pees. So, she put his head in the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89s328/a_young_couple_got_together_and_started_making_out/
%
Have you heard of the new titanic app?

I was excited to use it, but as soon as I plugged it into my computer it started syncing!
- My professor. No one laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89rvc3/have_you_heard_of_the_new_titanic_app/
%
Another three vampires go into a bar and sit at a table.

The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink.  The first asks for a glass of O-positive.  The second asks for a glass of B-negative.  The third says, "I'm on a diet, so I'll just have a glass of plasma."
The waitress turns to the bartender and says, "Eddie!  Two bloods and a blood light!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89rpn7/another_three_vampires_go_into_a_bar_and_sit_at_a/
%
What do you call an old ant?

An antique

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89raai/what_do_you_call_an_old_ant/
%
Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?

It's a perfect 5/7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89r9a5/why_is_empire_strikes_back_the_best_star_wars/
%
Two nuns are in front of an abandoned coalmine.

(its better in dutch but it translates)
Two nuns are walking in front of an old (abandoned) coal mine.
One nun says to the other nun: mine's smelly today.
Says the other nun: mine too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89r8wa/two_nuns_are_in_front_of_an_abandoned_coalmine/
%
The best way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror.

The restaurant will ask you to leave before you can eat too much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89r645/the_best_way_to_lose_weight_is_to_eat_naked_in/
%
Trump and Obama at a Barber shop

Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty.
As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89r4oo/trump_and_obama_at_a_barber_shop/
%
Two electric windmills are standing in a field.

One turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?" The second one replies "I'm a huge metal fan".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89r3tz/two_electric_windmills_are_standing_in_a_field/
%
How many idiots does it take to change a lightbulb?

4 - One to hold the lightbulb, and three to turn the ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89r203/how_many_idiots_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89qzpe/after_winning_the_game_i_threw_the_ball_into_the/
%
My Neighborhood's mechanic.

It's amazing how unexpected things happen around us, my neighborhood's mechanic was just arrested by the police for selling drugs...
Who would've known! I've been his customer for 3 years and I never realized he was a mechanic til now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89qw8e/my_neighborhoods_mechanic/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I’d ever cheated.

I admitted that I had, and begged her not to tell my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89qud0/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_id_ever_cheated/
%
How Many Nihilists Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

Oh, who cares, nothing matters anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89qlyp/how_many_nihilists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A man comes home from work to his wife and says “have you heard the news? Apparently the milkman has slept with every woman on this street bar one!”

To which the wife replies:
“I bet it was that stuck up bitch at number 54!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89qj5n/a_man_comes_home_from_work_to_his_wife_and_says/
%
A man walks into a bar

Goes to the bartender and gets asked
"What can I get you sir?"
"Nothin special, just some vodka thanks"
"Rough day?"
"Just my ex, she's being a cunt on FB"
"What'd she do?"
"Well Rhi decided that she wanted to shit talk me and make posts saying how horrible I was"
"Oh man I feel so sorry for you, here have the drink on the house"
"It's not that bad I just really hope that she isn't following me around, I'd hate for this to be a Rhi post."
*the bartender turns around and crouches down for a second*
#*springs back up*
"And im the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89qhx2/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
It should always be pronounced "Gif"

Unless you're a choosy mom. Choosy moms choose "Jif".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89qhea/it_should_always_be_pronounced_gif/
%
A black guy got braces and someone told him

"Man you so black even your teeth are behind bars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89qch2/a_black_guy_got_braces_and_someone_told_him/
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I took the road less travelled by

But so did everyone else because they saw it on Google Maps and now we're all stuck in traffic. -Robert Frost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89qceb/i_took_the_road_less_travelled_by/
%
What’s the difference between Acne and a Catholic Priest ?

Acne only comes on a boys face when he’s twelve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89qbub/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_catholic/
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Why are you late? [Long]

A boss was waiting in his office one day when he noticed that all of his workers were missing. He waits a few more minutes before the first worker comes in.
"Why were you late?"
Sounding exhausted, the worker says, "Sorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way."
The boss thinks nothing of it and sends the worker off. The next 2 workers come in to check in and the boss asks them the same question, "Why were you late?"
The workers give the boss the exact same reason, "Sorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way."
The boss thinks that he must be losing his mind but sends the workers off anyways. Finally, the last worker comes in and the boss says, "Let me guess, your car broke down on the way to work so you tried the bus, but the bus broke down so you hailed a cab, but the cab broke down but fortunately you were near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and you had to jog the rest of the way?"
The worker said, "No boss, you got it all wrong, you see, there were so many frickin broken down cars, buses, cabs, dead horses and crazed joggers in the streets, it was impossible to get through."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89qa51/why_are_you_late_long/
%
The police arrested me for paying for sex with a child.

Apparently they aren't legal currency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89q9xl/the_police_arrested_me_for_paying_for_sex_with_a/
%
A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bars".
"Excuse me, sir, is there anything I can help you find?" said one of the store clerks from behind him.
"Oh, uh, yeah," the customer said, startled. He looked around him quickly and picked up one of the newer-looking tricks. "What does this do?" he asked.
The store clerk replied, "Oh, that?" She picked it up and spun it around her finger - or attempted to. "It's a Fidget Spinner Joke. You can try as hard as you want, but it will never spin."
He laughed. "That sounds hilarious! What does this one do?"
"That's our Padlock Joke - it will never open with any key ever, even the one that's provided with it."
"Cool! Can you tell me about these?" And so it went on and on as he asked the poor shopkeeper about what seemed like every new item in the store, until he came back to the wall of sweets.
"What about these Chirp Chocolates?" he asks.
"Well," says the worker, somehow still keeping her energy up, "If you eat one, it'll make you chirp like a bird for a whole minute."
"That's hilarious!" laughs the boy. "Do these Hoot Gummies make you hoot like an owl?" She nodded. "And these Squeaking Marshmallows? And- hey, what's this?" He reached into the large container of wrapped mints and pulled out a brightly-colored fishing reel that had a very tiny handle.
The clerk takes it from him, and sighs, "Oh, darn... I forgot to sort these again last night - it feels like every time I come back our Reel Joke's always hiding in the Caw Mints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89q9vb/a_new_jokes_store_opens_up_in_town/
%
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89q958/i_won_3_million_on_the_lottery_this_weekend_so_i/
%
I just learned sign language...

It's pretty handy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89q79z/i_just_learned_sign_language/
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I was once asked how cool I think I am

So i replied, "On a scale of one to ten, I'd say I'm an absolute zero".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89q402/i_was_once_asked_how_cool_i_think_i_am/
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Donald Trump, the Pope, Mark Zuckerberg, and a schoolboy are on a plane...

Suddenly, they hit turbulence. The pilot, telling them that the plane is going to crash, grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. There are only 3 parachutes left, so Mark Zuckerberg says, "I am worth over 50 billion dollars," and jumps out of the plane. Trump says "I am the smartest man in the world, as well as the president," and jumps out after the pilot and Mark Zuckerberg. Finally, the Pope tells the kid "I have lived a long life, you can take the last parachute." The kid says "We can both grab a parachute, the smartest man in the world took my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89pwzj/donald_trump_the_pope_mark_zuckerberg_and_a/
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Did you hear about the woman who died after giving a blow job?

Apparently she had a nut allergy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89pt1q/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_died_after/
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Will glass coffins become a thing?

... Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89pt1o/will_glass_coffins_become_a_thing/
%
If your body temperature decreased to -273 C°...

...you will still be 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89prhb/if_your_body_temperature_decreased_to_273_c/
%
Last night a man was admitted to the ER.

Turns out, he had shoved six plastic horses up his rectum.
Doctors list his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89pp45/last_night_a_man_was_admitted_to_the_er/
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When I turned 16 my parents tried to surprise me with a car...

They missed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89pna5/when_i_turned_16_my_parents_tried_to_surprise_me/
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Nelson Mandela amd the delivery guu

One day Nelson Mandela is at home chilling out max and relaxing all cool when there is a knock at the door. Nelson gets up and answers the door to find a little Japanese guy on his doorstep with a great big car transporter full of brand new cars parked on his drive. As soon as the door opens the Japanese guy pushes a clipboard in to Nelsons hands and shouts "Delivery for you, you sign, you sign."  Nelson is a little taken aback but calmy explains the cars cant be for him and he wont be signing. The delivery driver looks a bit unhappy but gets in his truck and drives off.
The next day the exact same thing happens, the same Japanese guy, the same truck and the same performance.  "Delivery for you.  You sign, you sign"  Nelson is a bit annoyed and again explains that the cars arent for him and that he wont sign.  The delivery driver once again gets in his car transporter and drives off.
Would you believe it the next day Nelson is just sitting down for a dump when there is a knock at the door.  Sure enough its the same Japanese delivery driver and his truck full of cars. "Delivery for you. You sign, you sign"  Nelson goes ape and grabs the guy by his shirt. "Listen you little shit" he screams "I keep telling you these cars aren't for me!  Why do you keep bringing them here"  The Japanese delivery driver looks him square in the face and says - "You Nissan main dealer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89pldl/nelson_mandela_amd_the_delivery_guu/
%
Knock Knock

Who's there?
Cows go
Cows go who ?
No idiot, Cows go moo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89pkvv/knock_knock/
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I went to school with a very tall guy named Jimmy Glasscock.

You could always see him coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89pf16/i_went_to_school_with_a_very_tall_guy_named_jimmy/
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I'm never going grocery shopping again!

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like milk, eggs, and bacon. Yes, bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck deciding between Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Fruity Pebbles, which has always been a tough decision for me. From the corner of my eye I see an older woman peering at me. She was probably in her 60's or 70's, wrinkles, very ... grandma-looking.
Anyways, I didn't think much of it and grabbed the Fruity Pebbles. I started making my way to the next aisle, which required me to go past her. When I got close, she turned to me and asked me to get a box of cereal (some specialty diabetic kind) from the top shelf. I grabbed the box and handed it to her. She used that moment of kindness to start up a conversation with me. I'm all about "respecting your elders" but I have no idea who this woman is and I didn't really care. Still, I figured she probably doesn't have anybody to talk to and I wasn't in much of a rush so I avoided being rude.
The conversation started out pretty normal. She was talking about the weather and her daughter (maybe she was trying to set me up?) but then it got pretty personal. She started telling me about her son who died fighting in Iraq, how I look just like him, and that I remind her of him. She started telling me a story about him as a young boy and I had to feign sadness. The whole thing was a bit much for a Monday night so I figured once we get out of the aisle, I can break away.
We finally got to the front by the registers. She got into one of the lines, I went to get some fresh ~~muffins~~ bread. When I got back to the register, the line she was in happened to be the shortest so I decided to take my chances. Wrong move. Literally the moment I got within proximity, she turned around and picked up the conversation exactly where it left off, telling me how much she misses her son. She then asked if I could do her a huge favor that would really make her holiday season. "When I walk out, can you wave and say 'Goodbye Mom' to me?" Apparently she never got closure and hearing those words would mean the world to her. I said sure but it's not like I jumped at the request, I was actually very sketched out by the whole thing. However, I claim to be a good person and just to be clear on the situation, Monday night grocery shopping, 70 y/o granny asks you to make her holiday season by saying 2 words. What kind of an asshole would I be to say no?
As we got to the cash register, I had a change of heart in my cereal decision. I decided to go with the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Retrospectively, I think my subconscious wanted to get away and was hoping she would be gone by the time I got back. The aisle was pretty close and when I got back she just got done bagging the groceries. I'm looking down, fidgeting with my wallet, hoping she forgets the whole situation and just walks out the door. Sure enough, as I look up there she is, just waving at me by the exit. Very awkwardly, I wave and shout "Goodbye mom". She walked out and I sighed, so happy that she was gone and that whole ordeal was over with. The cashier rings up my items and I proceeded to bag them. I take out my credit card as the cashier looks at me and says "That'll be $124.37". I looked at my bag that held something like six items and then back at the cashier. "There must be some mix-up, there's no way my groceries came out to a hundred dollars". She looked back at me puzzled "Oh, your mom said you were paying for her".
**THAT FCKING BTCH.**
I normally don't curse in public but I screamed. I was BOILING with rage. I dropped my bag, ran outside, and saw this old little conniving shit scurrying to close the trunk. I bolted in her direction. She opened the front door of her car and got in, but before she could close it, I grabbed it and flung it open. I yelled "ARE YOU FCKING KIDDING ME?". She, probably scared for her life, started screaming and kicking me. This got me SOOO mad because to any bystander, it probably looked like I was trying to rob this poor old grandma. I tried to grab a hold of the foot she was using to kick me and finally I did. So there I was, pulling her leg, just like I'm pulling yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89pe5i/im_never_going_grocery_shopping_again/
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Do you know the difference between casual conversation and sex?

No?  Well do you wanna go back to my place and talk?
-Joe Mafia II

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89pduc/do_you_know_the_difference_between_casual/
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Always borrow money from a pessimist

He won't expect it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89pd8h/always_borrow_money_from_a_pessimist/
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An essay should be like a skirt.

Long enough to cover everything but short enough to keep your attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89pb6x/an_essay_should_be_like_a_skirt/
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I heard that my friend cannot afford his water bill

So i sent him a "get well soon" card

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89p6fn/i_heard_that_my_friend_cannot_afford_his_water/
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If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?

K9P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89oyts/if_h20_is_on_the_inside_of_a_fire_hydrant_whats/
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Where are all my grammar Nazis at

Probably in he'll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89oxw0/where_are_all_my_grammar_nazis_at/
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Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they don’t know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ownw/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89owlp/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_bunch_of_meat/
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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to like it, he'll be revived back on earth.
He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave couldn't cook for shit, but he's gotta try and get back to his wife.
He spots a huge turkey, gobbling around, so he grabs it by the neck and breaks it. He plucks out the feathers, cuts it open and pulls out the giblets. He starts grabbing whatever food he can find in the kitchen, cramming it into the bird with his fist until there's no more room. He grabs a chocolate bar from his back pocket and melts it over the turkey for a glaze. Then he throws it in the oven and waits for it to cook.
It smells like putrid crap, but he has no choice and calls the waiter to come and take it in to Jesus and his mates.
After a few minutes he can hear them in the other room... Jesus and his disciples are chanting his name! "^^dave... ^Dave... DAVE!!" they must really love his food! "DAVE... DAVE!... **DAAAVEE!!**"
**THWACK** He's hit by a blurry piercing light and suddenly finds himself back on his kitchen floor where he first passed out.
"Dave... What the hell is going on?" shouts his wife
He picks himself up off the floor and shouts, "I'm back! I'm alive!! I've had the most incredible journey. I died and went to heaven, but I'm back!!"
"DAVE..." begins his wife ... "WHAT IN THE BLAZING FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO THE CAT!!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89osvi/daves_wife_is_out_for_the_night_and_he_decides_to/
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Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you don't get bored there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ortw/dad_im_giving_all_your_toys_to_the_orphanage/
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I went to see a hypnotist last night

I feel bad for him after what happened last night. He had hypnotised 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and said “FUCK ME.”
I will never forget what happened next

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89oqtl/i_went_to_see_a_hypnotist_last_night/
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Are fat people or thin people smarter?

It depends--thin people are generally sharper, while fat people are more well-rounded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ooqo/are_fat_people_or_thin_people_smarter/
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The Radio Contest

A radio station is doing a contest, if a caller can name a word that isn’t in the dictionary and can use it in a sentence they will win tickets to a concert. People start calling in and naming words but either they’re in the dictionary or the DJs don’t agree with the usage.
Finally someone calls in and says his word is, “goan, G-O-A-N.” The DJs look it up and can’t find it in the dictionary. So they ask for the word in a sentence. The caller replies back with, “goan fuck yourself!”
The DJs scramble to get the caller off the line and apologize to their listeners that sometimes those things get through. They take more calls with no winners, until someone else calls in. They say their word is “schmee, S-C-H-M-E-E, schmee.” The DJs look it up and don’t find it in the dictionary, they ask for the word in a sentence.
The caller exclaims, “SCHMEE AGAIN! GOAN FUCK YOURSELF!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89oocf/the_radio_contest/
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How do Communists celebrate Valentine's Day

By seizing the means of reproduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89oldl/how_do_communists_celebrate_valentines_day/
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A snake tells her son, "Go out and get me some scale cream!"

"Why?"
"Because I shed so!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89oi74/a_snake_tells_her_son_go_out_and_get_me_some/
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A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says,"Since
you're about to kill yourself anyway,
would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman replies,"Get away from
me, you sicko!"
The bum turns to leave and mutters,
"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89oeny/a_distressed_but_attractive_woman_stands_at_the/
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I told my doctor I have hearing aids...

... but he insists it's just an ear infection...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89obm4/i_told_my_doctor_i_have_hearing_aids/
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The best blowjobs come from depressed women.

Because they try to choke on them and die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89o9m4/the_best_blowjobs_come_from_depressed_women/
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A couple were out walking their pet skunk...

A couple were out walking their pet skunk and came across a nice pub. The door had a “no pets allowed” sign so the husband said “just put it down your pants, no one will know”. The wife said “what about the smell?” The husband replied, “If it dies, it fuckin dies”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89o8p9/a_couple_were_out_walking_their_pet_skunk/
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Two clowns are eating a cannibal

One of them turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89o7qm/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
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The janitor couldn't remember where he put the floor polisher

As a programmer, this isn't the first time I encountered a 'buffer allocation failure due to memory error'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89o5dr/the_janitor_couldnt_remember_where_he_put_the/
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The nervous cashier

It was Tim's first day working at the pharmacy when a young lady walked in and asked him for some pain killers and  a pack of tampons, Tim was extremely embarrassed and ran in the back asking Tom the Pharmacist to serve the young lady. After the encounter Tom told Tim he shouldn't be embarrassed, it was a natural thing.
The day after another young lady walked in and again asked for pain killers and a pack of tampons, Tim didn't run in to the back this time but turned bright red and didn't say a word to the woman through sheer embarrassment. Again Tom saw this and advised Tim to try making a joke next time to make things less uncomfortable. Tim decided that would help and was determined to overcome his embarrassment.
A few days later a young lady walked in and asked for some pain killers and a large pack of cotton wool, Tim seizes his chance and said "Are you rolling your own?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89o59s/the_nervous_cashier/
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My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.
I still looked confused.
She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.
"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.
She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.
"You like these?"
I could only nod my head.
She said to put the condom on.
As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down.
"Come on." she said. "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her.
It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes!
She looked at me concerned and asked, "Did you put the condom on?"
I said, "I sure did!"
...and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89o2yw/my_first_time_buying_condoms_at_age_16_i_went_to/
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Watched a film called Speed Walker

To be honest, I found it hard to keep up. The pacing was terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89nzq1/watched_a_film_called_speed_walker/
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"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89nz1p/daddy_how_do_stars_die/
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Two guys locked in a lunatic asylum.

Joker: See there were two guys locked in a lunatic asylum. And one night, one night they decided they didn't like that anymore. They decided to escape.
So they made it up to the roof and there, just across the narrow gap, they see rooftops, stretching across the town, stretching to freedom.
Now, the first guy he jumps right across, no problem.
But his friend, no way, he's afraid of falling.
So the first guy, he has an idea.
He says "hey, i got this flashlight with me. I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me."
But the second guy says, "what do you think i am crazy? You'll just turn it off when I'm halfway across."
Joker laughs. Batman chuckles. Both laugh.
-The Killing Joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89nxs6/two_guys_locked_in_a_lunatic_asylum/
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What did I do when I accidentally landed in Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89nxps/what_did_i_do_when_i_accidentally_landed_in_iraq/
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A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'
'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.
The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams.
At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?'
'The gold.'
'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.'
'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ntty/a_university_student_wanted_to_sit_next_to_one_of/
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The fat acceptance movement is the only movement...

without any movement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89nmr5/the_fat_acceptance_movement_is_the_only_movement/
%
I created an MS word file and named it "ME"

Now, I hope God will save ME.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89nmjm/i_created_an_ms_word_file_and_named_it_me/
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Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total," says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "poof" the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "poof" there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89nl55/three_guys_one_irish_one_english_and_one_scottish/
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Failed my biology test today...

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89njrx/failed_my_biology_test_today/
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6:30 is the best time on the clock.

Hands down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89nfa7/630_is_the_best_time_on_the_clock/
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Willy, a retired, Irish builder (long)

So Willy, a retired, Irish builder, was brooding in his ale at the pub one day with his good friend, Patty.
He glances out the window and says to Patty, “Look a there, Patty,” pointing out the window, “you see that fence over there?”
“Aye, I do.” Patty replied.
“Well, I built that fence with me own two hands here. But, the town folk don’t call me ‘Willy the fence builder’.”
“That’s true!” Patty agreed.
“And ya see that bridge way off over yonder?” Willy continued.
“Aye”, said Patty.
“I built that bridge good and strong with me own two hands and nothin’ else. And they don’t go a callin’ me ‘Willy the bridge builder’”.
“No, they don’t”, agreed Patty.
“And now, ya see that church, waaay off in the distance there??” Willy asked Patty.
“Aye, I can barely make it out there”, said Patty.
“Well I built that beautiful church with my own...two...hands”, Willy said with emphasis, “do they go ‘round calling me ‘Willy the church builder’?!”
“They do not”, Patty confirmed.
Willy, almost shaking with anger at this point, then stands up and, addressing the entire pub exclaims, “BUT, YOU FUCK ONE GOAT!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89newe/willy_a_retired_irish_builder_long/
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An airplane was about to crash...

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best Football player. Real Madrid and my millions of fans need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's "smartest President" took my schoolbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89nbbt/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash/
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A confused blonde asks her boyfriend to help her assemble a puzzle she bought in the supermarket.

She tells her boyfriend that the puzzle formed a chicken, since a picture of a chicken was on the box.
Eager to help, her boyfriend asked her to bring him the puzzle as soon as possible.
The blonde brings the puzzle to her boyfriend's house. When she sees her boyfriend, she shows him the box, and pours out the pieces in front of him.
When the blonde's boyfriend sees this, he looks at her and starts laughing. Once he calms down, he tells the blonde:
"Put the cornflakes back in the box, babe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89n8te/a_confused_blonde_asks_her_boyfriend_to_help_her/
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My thermometer is really inconsistent

It is having varying degrees of success

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89n7oq/my_thermometer_is_really_inconsistent/
%
"Son, you'll go blind if you masturbate too much."

"Dad, I'm over here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89n6zf/son_youll_go_blind_if_you_masturbate_too_much/
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Same problem

A Jewish guy converts to Christianity. His distraught father prays, "Oh God, my son converted to Christianity! What should I do?"
God says, "You know, I had that same problem..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89n4rm/same_problem/
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3 men arrived at the gates of heaven.

God said he would only allow them in if they had a funny story of how they died.
The first man was a window cleaner, working on the 14th floor of an apartment building. Suddenly, his scaffolding broke, and he fell. Luckily he was able to grab onto the windowsill of a 13th floor apartment. Before he could pray, the window opened, and a set of feet stomped on his hands. He let go, and fell into some bushes. Amazed that he was still alive, and prayed to God. When the man looked up, the last thing he saw was a mini fridge falling down on him.
The first man was let into heaven.
The second man lived in an apartment on the 13th floor of an apartment building. When he arrived at his apartment, his belongings were stashed at the front of his apartment. Instantly, he realised someone was robbing his apartment, and rushed inside to find him. Noticing a pair of hands holding onto his windowsill, the man opened the window, and stomped on them. The robber fell into some bushes on the ground. Worried that the robber still had some valuables with him, the man took his mini fridge and dropped it out of the window towards the robber. But, he didn't notice the cord tangled around his leg, and he fell down with it .
The second man was also let in.
The third man was robbing an apartment on the thirteenth floor of an apartment building. When he realised the man was coming back from work, he quickly stashed anything he could in his pockets and at the front of the apartment, and hid in the mini fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89n02j/3_men_arrived_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
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An Asian woman on a plane sees her Asian seat-mate reading a book on Asian Stereotypes.

A little offended, yet equally curious, she asks her seat-mate "What does the book say?"
Her seat mate says: "According to this book, Filipino women are beautiful, Japanese women are smart, and Vietnamese women are faithful".
Taken aback by the slightly chauvinistic and stereotypical nature of the book's assertions, the woman asks: "Are these based on facts?"
Her seatmate says: "Not exactly, but these haven't been disproved either." He then turns to the woman and asks, "What's your name, by any chance?"
The woman thinks for a bit, and says "Maria Nguyen-Suzuki"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89mzwm/an_asian_woman_on_a_plane_sees_her_asian_seatmate/
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The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89mzsu/the_jewish_boy_and_the_muslim_boy/
%
I took my dog to the vet

bcause she's always shaking and trembling. Turns out she has Barkinsons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89mu25/i_took_my_dog_to_the_vet/
%
A goalkeeper and a striker are arguing over who's the better writer in their soccer team.

Their argument becomes so heated that their coach suggests that they do an essay-writing competition. The two teammates agree.
The next day, the two of them are told to spend 2 hours typing an essay on the team's history and tactics on two old-fashioned desktop computers with attached printers. As the contest goes underway, the two teammates are on even ground, typing furiously and constantly.
One and a half hours into the contest, though, a short blackout hits their area, and the two teammates have to reboot their computers once the power goes back on. When the striker finishes rebooting his computer, he is horrified to see that ALL OF HIS WORK IS GONE. As he fumes about having to re-type his work in less than half an hour, he sees his goalkeeper teammate calmly printing out his essay. Furious at the possibility that his teammate cheated, the striker complains to the coach and informs him that the goalkeeper could have been cheating because he didn't lose any work in the blackout.
The coach laughs and says that the goalkeeper didn't cheat.
"Why?!", asks the striker.
"It's easy," the coach chirps, "the goalkeeper always saves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89mtmm/a_goalkeeper_and_a_striker_are_arguing_over_whos/
%
Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89mkv6/everyone_in_our_little_town_was_shocked_and/
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A Guy Walks into a bar

He sees a guy who tells the bartender to get him 3 shots of whiskey he drinks the 3 shots and jumps out of the third floor.The guy comes back a few days later and sees the same person who jumped out of the window.The guy walks up to him and asks him "how did you manage to jump out of the 3rd floor and still come back with no damage?"The Person tells him"its simple just take the amount of shots on the floor you are gonna jump on (4shots you jump out of the 4th floor) the guy is amazed and tries it out,calls the bartender and asks him for 3 shots of whiskey the guy drinks the 3 shots jumps out of the window and dies,the bartender turns around and says "jesus you are a real asshole when you`re drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89mk78/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did the cow starve to death?

Because a vegan ate its food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89mi6p/why_did_the_cow_starve_to_death/
%
Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come out before 1, 2, and 3?

In charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89mfdy/why_did_star_wars_episodes_4_5_and_6_come_out/
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Why is U the laziest letter?

It never stops watching T V

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89mdgj/why_is_u_the_laziest_letter/
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A communist, like Karl Marx, says to seize the means of production...

Capitalist Donald Trump however, prefers to seize the means of reproduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89mdcp/a_communist_like_karl_marx_says_to_seize_the/
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A New Car

A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the car wash because in his religion it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the exhaust pipe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89mdap/a_new_car/
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What’s the difference between /r/Jokes and my 80-year-old grandfather?

My grandfather doesn’t have Alzheimers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89mcow/whats_the_difference_between_rjokes_and_my/
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War Games

Soldiers from 3 different nations, the US, UK, and China, were tasked with guarding a secret artifact in the middle of nowhere. But since it was a secret, and it was in the middle of nowhere, there really was no need to guard it as no one would be coming to steal it.
Bored out of their minds, the Brits suggested "Why don't we play war games tomorrow morning at 0700 hours to pass the time? We split into 2 groups, the Americans can be in charge of armament and weaponry, we'll be in charge of tactics, and the Chinese can be in charge of supplies". The other 2 groups of soldiers agreed.
Come the next morning at 0700 hours, the Americans and the Brits showed up on time, but the Chinese were nowhere to be seen. Thinking that the Chinese must be held up, or something was lost in translation, they waited...and waited...and waited...and finally when it turned 8 o' clock, they could wait no longer, and turned to leave, in a huge disappointment.
As they turned to leave, the Chinese soldiers jumped out of the surrounding bushes, screaming "SUPPLIES! SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89m4sf/war_games/
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Of course.

Two blondes are walking along and they find a “compact” (for make-up) on the sidewalk.
The first blonde picks it up, opens it and looks in the little mirror.
“Oh!”, she says. “This person looks very familiar!”
The other blonde grabs the compact, looks in the mirror and says,
“Well of course, you dummy.  It’s ME!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89lxwn/of_course/
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I used to have the best pick up line. I'd get an escort right to their bedroom most of the time. And after spending a few hours in their bedroom with them, they would even pay me for doing such an amazing job.

I miss telling people "I can fix your computer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89lt9y/i_used_to_have_the_best_pick_up_line_id_get_an/
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What do you call two Chinese boys moving through a party starting conversations?

MingLing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89lny0/what_do_you_call_two_chinese_boys_moving_through/
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What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu?

Raichu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89lm0g/what_did_raichu_say_when_it_saw_pikachu/
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What did Adam say to Eve the first time they had sex?

Stand back, I'm not sure how much bigger it'll get!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89lku3/what_did_adam_say_to_eve_the_first_time_they_had/
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A vegan, atheist and crossfittter walk into a bar......

I knew this because they told everyone within two minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89lj56/a_vegan_atheist_and_crossfittter_walk_into_a_bar/
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A widow places an ad in the paper

"Lover Wanted: must not run around behind my back, must not beat me, and most importantly, must be good in bed!"
A few days later, her doorbell rings. Excited, she rushes to the door and yanks it open, only to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
"Who are you?" She asks, disappointment setting in.
"I'm here about your ad in the paper. I'd like to be your lover."
"But you have no legs!"
"So I can't run around behind your back."
"But you have no arms!"
"So I can't beat you."
Annoyed, she asks "But how could you possibly be good in bed?"
Smiling, the man says "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89leeb/a_widow_places_an_ad_in_the_paper/
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What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?

Drowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89lc1v/what_does_a_cuban_do_when_he_gets_a_flat_tire/
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Why do french tanks have a rearview mirror?

To see the frontline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89lb3a/why_do_french_tanks_have_a_rearview_mirror/
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89lamx/a_guy_calls_a_company_and_orders_their_5day_10_lb/
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When the kids said they were going to dig a hole to China . . .

I warned them that it would be boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89l8s3/when_the_kids_said_they_were_going_to_dig_a_hole/
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A mother took her little boy to church...

While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89l8e8/a_mother_took_her_little_boy_to_church/
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Joe's new motorcyle

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old, It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain", and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. Joe sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls out the jar of Vaseline from his pocket, and walks towards the door, and coincidentally the father.
The father, knowing the joke from /r/jokes remained silent as Joe walked by.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89l7rc/joes_new_motorcyle/
%
As a young man I was told if I wanted to improve myself I should learn to embrace my mistakes.

Which is why I hug my children every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89l7bg/as_a_young_man_i_was_told_if_i_wanted_to_improve/
%
A man sits next to a nun on a bus.

A man gets onto a bus in a small farming town and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"
"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.
Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I know how you can screw her. She isn’t the best at holding her drink. After the party for the harvest tomorrow, she’ll pray at the local cemetery. While she is praying, dress as God and she'll be too intoxicated to be suspicious and she’ll have sex with you. Put on a mask, robes, and a lot of glitter. I’ll be hosting the reap party so I’ll help keep an eye on her"
The man goes to the party and watches the nun the whole time to make sure she’s drinking. She begins to leave and the man gets the thumbs up from the bus driver. He gets his costume on and follows the nun to the graveyard.
The man pops out from the gravestone and declares, "I am God, and I command you to have sex with me."
The nun replies, "Sure, but only if we have anal sex."
So they have anal sex.
After sex the man rips off his mask and laughs, "I'm not God, I’m the man from the bus! Ha!"
Immediately the nun rips of her mask and says “Ha! I’m the bus driver!”
The man says: “Jeez, I screwed up another reap host”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89l2sw/a_man_sits_next_to_a_nun_on_a_bus/
%
The description of r/jokes says:

Hundreds of jokes posted here everyday, and some of them aren't even reposts.
The real joke is always in the description!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89kzj0/the_description_of_rjokes_says/
%
A teacher was going over the history syllabus.

The teacher says to the class "We will be learning about history for the next 6 months. Each month I will teach a different decade. We will cover the 1940s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and 2000-2010".
A student puts her hand up and asks "what about the '90s?". The teacher replies saying "only 90s kids remember the 90s".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89kvuq/a_teacher_was_going_over_the_history_syllabus/
%
What happens when a man loses his train of thought?

So then I said, put that donkey down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89koz4/what_happens_when_a_man_loses_his_train_of_thought/
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Besides conclusions, the only thing my girlfriends likes jumping to is..

My bestfriends dick. Fuck you Jessica, you cheating whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89kn5f/besides_conclusions_the_only_thing_my_girlfriends/
%
My husband was great at Russian roulette

He only lost once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89klaw/my_husband_was_great_at_russian_roulette/
%
A young, married Asian couple,

Russell and Amy Wong were expecting their first baby. When Amy went into labor, they rushed to the hospital and several hours later, Amy gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. They were both over the moon with happiness.
Since it had gotten very late, Russell went home to get a few hours sleep. The next morning, Russell woke up and hurried back to the hospital, eager to see his wife and new daughter.
When he got to Amy's room he was a bit disappointed to find that the baby was in the nursery. Amy rang the nurse and asked her to bring their new daughter to her room.
The nurse arrived a few minutes later wheeling in a bassinet with a very fair skinned, blue-eyed baby girl with tufts of blonde hair on her head. Russell laughed and said, "I'm sorry nurse, but that is not our daughter!" The nurse, surprised, said, "Are you sure?"
"Of course," Russell laughed, "Two Wongs don't make a white!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89kjk9/a_young_married_asian_couple/
%
Why do you never see doctors with anger issues?

Because they just lose their patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89kcdj/why_do_you_never_see_doctors_with_anger_issues/
%
Did you hear about the circle that graduated college

Apparently it got three-hundred and sixty degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89kbod/did_you_hear_about_the_circle_that_graduated/
%
A spanish magician is putting on a show

. He says to his audience, “I am going to make myself disappear!” He then starts counting off, “unos, dos” and then he vanished. He left without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89kbl5/a_spanish_magician_is_putting_on_a_show/
%
If Caitlyn Jenner became a superhero...

Would she be an ex-man or a trans-former?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89k7q5/if_caitlyn_jenner_became_a_superhero/
%
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

More than 3 cause I have 3 in my basement and the lightbulb is still broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89k3qg/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Two priests were driving down a road...

Two priests were driving down a road when they were pulled over by a police officer.
The officer said, “I’m looking for two child molesters”
The priests took a moment to think, and then in unison said “we’ll do it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89k27c/two_priests_were_driving_down_a_road/
%
Too soon maybe, but today's event are proof that men do everything better than women...

Active shooter couldn't even kill anyone but herself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89jy16/too_soon_maybe_but_todays_event_are_proof_that/
%
Why do gay people's loogies float?

They're phlegm-buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89jxxz/why_do_gay_peoples_loogies_float/
%
Why do introverts identify so much with Thor's brother?

Because he's low-key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89jxra/why_do_introverts_identify_so_much_with_thors/
%
A girl I dated from my local opticians text me saying I've got a split personality.

Wait, no. It says "shit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89jxbs/a_girl_i_dated_from_my_local_opticians_text_me/
%
Cheese

Frenchman: I know how the man died. It was death by fromage, right?
American: No silly, not from age, from cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89jw1y/cheese/
%
I went to a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?"

"It was very nice. My compliments to the gardener."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89jtwa/i_went_to_a_vegetarian_restaurant_and_the_waiter/
%
I'm not saying cosmetic surgery cured my depression

But it definitely put a smile on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89js8x/im_not_saying_cosmetic_surgery_cured_my_depression/
%
A Buzzfeed writer walked into a bar...

You won’t BELIEVE what they asked for!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89js0g/a_buzzfeed_writer_walked_into_a_bar/
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Netflix’s original content has some stiff competition.

I heard they’re shooting something at YouTube HQ today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89jr2d/netflixs_original_content_has_some_stiff/
%
My old dad used to say, “If you really want to do something, don’t listen to anybody else, just go ahead and do it”.

Great man, shit telephone operative at the Samaritans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89jqgc/my_old_dad_used_to_say_if_you_really_want_to_do/
%
My girlfriend treats me like GOD...

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89joy5/my_girlfriend_treats_me_like_god/
%
The shooter at YouTube...

Was removed because her content violated YouTube's terms of service.
Sorry about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89jjsn/the_shooter_at_youtube/
%
Do you know the opposite of the following words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89jebi/do_you_know_the_opposite_of_the_following_words/
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A married couple goes to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

The doctor comes in and tells her, "I've got good news and bad news" Worried, the woman asks for the bad news first. He says, "I'm sorry but your baby was born a ginger." The woman responds,"That is bad news, but I suppose I can get used to it. What's the good news?"
"It's dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89jdk0/a_married_couple_goes_to_the_hospital_to_have/
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Crushed Scrotum

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”
The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Phil.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89j6qj/crushed_scrotum/
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My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89j65b/my_local_drug_dealer_started_dressing_up_as_a/
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Opinions are like assholes

I'm going to spread mine all over the internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89j5xk/opinions_are_like_assholes/
%
I’ll never forget my Grandfathers words he said to me before he kicked the bucket...

“Hey! Watch how far I can kick this bucket!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89j5rn/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_words_he_said_to/
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God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world...

then He made the earth round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89j5r4/god_promised_men_that_good_and_obedient_wives/
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A kleptomaniac never appreciated how he could exchange stolen goods for rocks.

He took things for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89j4v8/a_kleptomaniac_never_appreciated_how_he_could/
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City Hall

The city counselors were discussing how to increase public attendance and participation at City Hall meetings. One counselor suggested bringing in a famous hypnotist-entertainer. The officials agreed, the hypnotist was engaged, and leaflets were printed and distributed.
A month later, City Hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist stood up and faced the room.
He took out a pocket watch on a chain, and began chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.
Suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped, and the watch fell to the floor with a clatter, and the glass face shattered.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took a week to clean up City Hall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89j4b1/city_hall/
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First Date

*On a first date*
Inner me: okay don’t let them know you stalked them online
Them: my aunt-
Me: Martha or Susan?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89j3ts/first_date/
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A woman is pregnant with twins

but because of complications during labor, she passed out for about 24 hours after the birth. When she wakes up, she asks to see her children, excited to name them.
The doctor says “sure, here they are, but your brother already named them.”
“What?” she exclaims, “what did he name them?”
“He named the girl, Denise,” said the doctor.
“Hmm,” she says, “I guess that’s ok. I like Denise. What did he name my son?”
“Denephew.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89j235/a_woman_is_pregnant_with_twins/
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Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am," Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, "Great! Now I'm lost!"
Finding this suspicious, the cop orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says, "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89iu9o/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car/
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Playing D&D with the kids... (Long)

Kids need a 4th party member, no one around, I should join. Roll a all charisma character.
...
DM: City guard catches you stealing, what do you do?
The rest of the party panics.
Me: Is the head guard a woman?
DM: Yes.
Me: I will seduce her and ask her not to arrest us
...roll...
DM: Success. You starting making out with her. It's so good the whole city guard watches since they never saw such good making out. The rest of the party steels everything that's not nailed down.
...
DM: The evil witch has you surrounded.
The rest of the party panics.
Me: I seduce the witch, ask her not to kill us and give us her scepter.
... roll ...
DM: Success. You starting making out with her. All the zombies are staring at you since they never saw such good making out. The rest of the party steels everything not nailed down.
...
DM: You reached the layer of the dragon and it wants to eat you.
The rest of the party panics.
Me: ... Is it a female dragon?
DM: No! It's a male dragon.
Me: Well, this is going to hurt...
Me: I put on make-up and seduce the dragon.
... roll ...
DM: Success. Yes it's going to hurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ilu1/playing_dd_with_the_kids_long/
%
Why do members of the Fruit Fuckers Association always stick together?

They always cum in pears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89iksl/why_do_members_of_the_fruit_fuckers_association/
%
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ijya/i_lent_a_hot_girl_my_umbrella_yesterday/
%
Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:
- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
The woman giggles.
- Of course I would!
- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?
The woman looks disgusted.
- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?
- That’s already been established. Now we’re just haggling about the price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ihd0/would_you_sleep_with_me_for_ten_million_dollars/
%
Looking back, I'm glad I didn't get that YouTube internship

I really dodged a bullet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ihbe/looking_back_im_glad_i_didnt_get_that_youtube/
%
Why does God hate Trig?

Cos it's a Sin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ieab/why_does_god_hate_trig/
%
I thought my dating site for chickens would make me a fortune

But I'm struggling to make hens meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89i2yc/i_thought_my_dating_site_for_chickens_would_make/
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Huband: There are broken condoms on our couch

Wife: How many times have I told you not to call our children that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89i2bi/huband_there_are_broken_condoms_on_our_couch/
%
A redditor is fitting his new kitchen and he stops for lunch.

His wife makes him a sandwich, and hands him some crisps and chocolate to eat, and a banana." he finishes his lunch and gets back to work.
A few hours later and he's finished. The wife walks in and checks out their new kitchen.
"OH MY GOD!" she shouts, as she opens the door, "What the hell have you done?"
The kitchen was a mess... Worktops were knee height, cupboards too high to reach, draws were too small for the units...
"Well, it's no bloody wonder", says the man, re-checking his equipment, "my scale is all out, you gave me a fucking plantain!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89i0k4/a_redditor_is_fitting_his_new_kitchen_and_he/
%
Why is a math book so sad?

Because it's full of problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89hvw2/why_is_a_math_book_so_sad/
%
What type of car did Whitney Houston drive?

HYUNDAI I I I I I I I I I I I I I...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89hucc/what_type_of_car_did_whitney_houston_drive/
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Preventing transmittable diseases.

Miss Beatrice,
the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old  Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones, they
began to chat The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89hu72/preventing_transmittable_diseases/
%
How Many Democrats Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb

Two. One to explain that they are doing all they possibly can to fix the problem, and another to screw it into the faucet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89htlc/how_many_democrats_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A masked man goes to rob a sperm bank

He tells the girl at the front
"This is a robbery," the girl replies "sir we dont have much money, this is a sperm bank," the man says "I know, get two containers of sperm," the girl gets them and the man says "drink it,"
The girl all confused says "what?!"
The man says "do it or ill shoot you," all scared the girls drinks the container, then the man says "drink the other one," the girl again drinks it all, seeing both containers empty the man takes off his mask and says "See honey, that wasn't difficult"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89hs7e/a_masked_man_goes_to_rob_a_sperm_bank/
%
That's the 10th cavity search I've preformed on a minor just today!

Busy day for a dentist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89hofb/thats_the_10th_cavity_search_ive_preformed_on_a/
%
My dad always called me "Pancake"

He said it was "Because the first one is always a mistake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89hg59/my_dad_always_called_me_pancake/
%
How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89h8sv/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
The only thing flat earthers fear

is sphere itself.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89h8gc/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
%
Coffee News Gem

Game Warden: Fishing?
Person without fishing license: Nah, drowning worms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89h7zt/coffee_news_gem/
%
What is Minecraft?

Adolf Hitler's lesser known second book about his love of knitting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89h6lr/what_is_minecraft/
%
Being a clumsy chemist is like going to the rave...

Sometimes you drop the base and trip on acid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89h469/being_a_clumsy_chemist_is_like_going_to_the_rave/
%
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Yarn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89h16w/how_many_surrealists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I'm sorry Mickey, I'm afraid I can't grant you divorce on the grounds that Minnie is mentally unstable...

"Mentally unstable?! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89gyu5/im_sorry_mickey_im_afraid_i_cant_grant_you/
%
Call Me By Your Name

Hi By Your Name, I’m dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89gvkd/call_me_by_your_name/
%
Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me happy birthday. As I entered the office, my secretary said, 'Happy Birthday, Boss!'. I felt so special. She asked me to go out for lunch. After lunch she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she asked me, 'Could I go to my bedroom for a minute?' 'Okay.' I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my parents,   my kids, my colleagues and my friends all yelling 'SURPRISE! ' as I was waiting on the couch.....naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89guxk/why_did_i_get_divorced/
%
I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together.

I figured if you can't beat them, join them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89gqnz/i_bought_a_pair_of_drums_without_any_drumsticks/
%
Where is the most dangerous place to swim?

Hepatitis C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89gp9h/where_is_the_most_dangerous_place_to_swim/
%
Would you like a free coupon?

A man is selling lemonade from a sidewalk stand. A boy rides by on his skateboard.
"WOULD YOU LIKE A FREE COUPON?!" the man shouts at the boy. The boy is so startled that he falls backwards off his skateboard.
The boy wasn't wearing a helmet and cracks his head open on the sidewalk. The boy's mother comes running to his aide. She cradles her son and looks up at the man in anguish. "What have you done to my boy?!" she shouts. The man is horrified, speechless.
An ambulance arrives a short while later but the boy is pronounced dead at the scene. The mother lunges at the man in a blind rage. She grabs him by the collar and screams "You killed my boy! You killed my son! What do you have to say for yourself?!" The man takes a moment to think.
"Would you like TWO free coupons?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89goyb/would_you_like_a_free_coupon/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the restroom?

"because the P is silent!"
"No, it's because they're extinct"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89gn8h/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_in_the_restroom/
%
Why can't our nose be 12 inches long?

Because it would be a foot.
-stolen from my 11 year old cousin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89gfbr/why_cant_our_nose_be_12_inches_long/
%
A man goes into his son's room

to wish him Goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!".
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89gehi/a_man_goes_into_his_sons_room/
%
What concert only costs 45cents ?

50 cent, featuring nickel back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ge56/what_concert_only_costs_45cents/
%
A small boy gets a splinter in his finger....

A small boy gets a splinter in his finger and goes running to his parents and demands a glass of cider. After a while they give in and give the boy the cider. He puts his finger in but he cries as it hurts and doesn’t get rid of the splinter. Curious his parents asks him why he did that and he said “ I overheard my big sister talking to her friend the other day and she said whenever she gets a prick in her hand she cant wait to put it in cider”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89gc7o/a_small_boy_gets_a_splinter_in_his_finger/
%
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89g909/a_man_was_caught_by_a_cop_with_drugs_in_the/
%
Control Over Your Wife

Three men were sitting at a bar. Two of them were boasting about their control over their wives, while the third one remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'
The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'
The first two men were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.
'She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89g2t1/control_over_your_wife/
%
I got hit by a rental car.

It Hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89fzwm/i_got_hit_by_a_rental_car/
%
Military Hospital Treatment

An army major visits the field hospital, and speaks to some of the patients:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front line, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
- -
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Hemorrhoids, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front line, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
- -
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the wire brush first, Sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89fyla/military_hospital_treatment/
%
One day, a frog decides to take a vacation.

So, he hops into a bank for an appointment in the loan department. He can see from his loan officer’s nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 personal loan to take an extended holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, the son of a wealthy entertainer, and that he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says 'There's a frog outside, called Kermit Jagger. He claims to know you, and wants to borrow $50,000. He wants to use this as collateral.' She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I don’t even know what this is!’
The bank manager looks back at her and says 'It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89fv6u/one_day_a_frog_decides_to_take_a_vacation/
%
I'm terrible with names.

Every Tom, Dick and Barry knows that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ftjr/im_terrible_with_names/
%
I don't know about you.

But I think satanists can go to hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ft9f/i_dont_know_about_you/
%
My friends made fun of me because they found out that my girlfriend is imaginary...

Jokes on them, they're imaginary too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ft8g/my_friends_made_fun_of_me_because_they_found_out/
%
Why did the slut have sex with the weatherman?

He forecasted twelve inches in the next hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89fmoi/why_did_the_slut_have_sex_with_the_weatherman/
%
I was taught there are 3 rings in life.

The engagement ring. The wedding ring. And the suffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89flh0/i_was_taught_there_are_3_rings_in_life/
%
Goat for Dinner

A young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner.
When he arrived, they showed him into the family room, introduced him to their 5-year old son who was playing an old Nintendo game, and disappeared into the kitchen to bring out some refreshment.  The minister asked their son what they were having for dinner.
"Goat" the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "This morning, I heard Dad say to Mom, 'We should have the old goat for dinner tonight.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89fj7i/goat_for_dinner/
%
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have one,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89fia7/a_woman_is_at_home_when_she_hears_someone_knock/
%
Did you know woman turn into good drivers.

So be careful while they turn, because they might hit you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89fgcl/did_you_know_woman_turn_into_good_drivers/
%
What’s better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

Walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ffz2/whats_better_than_winning_gold_at_the_paralympics/
%
A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a hot nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.
The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!"
The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex.
Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ffe4/a_man_gets_on_a_bus_and_ends_up_sitting_next_to_a/
%
Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air.  When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside.  She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no phone.  And not one car had passed along this quiet highway during the 15 minutes that she had pulled over.
Eventually, once she had calmed down, she prayed to the Lord for help.  And five minutes later, she heard a loud vehicle, and looked up to see a motorcycle approach, so she waved for help.
The motorcycle rider was an untidy bearded man in shades and bandana, wearing a disreputable studded jacket, filthy jeans and heavy black boots.  The rider toed down his side-stand, swung his leg off the saddle, and stood up, reaching for a cigarette.  He looked at her and growled: “So what’s your story?”
The lady replied “Oh Thank the Lord that you have come!  I’ve locked my keys into my car and all I can do is pray.”
The biker walked up to the car and looked through the window, and sure enough, the keys were hanging in the ignition.  He looked around for something to open the door, and spotted a nearby barb wire fence.  With some twisting and bending, he managed to break   off a piece of wire, and with the help of a flattened beer can, he inserted the wire next to the window, looped it into the door catch, and opened the lock.
The lady was delighted.  She said “Oh thank you my Lord for sending me an angel.  You are a wonderful man!  Thank you so much!”
The biker replied: “Don’t say stuff like that, lady.  I’m not a good man. I’ve been a burglar and car thief for most of my life, and only last week got out of jail.”
The lady exclaimed “Oh praise God for sending a professional!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89fdrb/locked_my_keys_in_the_car/
%
A clown is eating two canibals...

He says to the other: "I think I fucked up the joke".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89f85m/a_clown_is_eating_two_canibals/
%
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs...

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before, for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89f6pz/as_a_bagpiper_i_play_many_gigs/
%
Bonzo The Martial Arts Dog

I once had a dog named "Bonzo" and he was really talented.  One day, Bonzo and I went to find him a job, so we went to a martial arts studio.  The owner looked at us and told us to get out.  Bonzo looked unhappy, so I convinced the owner to allow us to give a demonstration.  So the owner points at a table and says to Bonzo "karate that table!" and Bonzo breaks the table into a million pieces.  The owner thinks it's a fluke, so he says "karate that tree!" and Bonzo splits the tree in two.  Proudly, I say to him "are you convinced yet?  When can Bonzo start?"
Disgusted with the idea, the owner grumbles "karate, my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89f5q0/bonzo_the_martial_arts_dog/
%
Why was the hospital patient feeling so self-conscious?

She overheard the doctors keep saying ICU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89f44y/why_was_the_hospital_patient_feeling_so/
%
What’s cracka lackin?

Black people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89f39q/whats_cracka_lackin/
%
A dog needed to go for a walk

A 12 year old wanted to take their dog out for a walk. The only problem is that the dog was on heat.
The kid asked her mother if she could take the dog out, the mother replied to say she wasn’t sure but to ask her father if he had any ideas.
The child then asked her dad who said its not normally a good idea but said if you covered the dogs behind in petrol it will mask the scents and the dog will be fine.
The 12 year old happily took the dog out after liberally covering the dogs rear in petrol.
About an hour later the kid returned home alone.
Their dad asked “What’s happened to the dog?”
The kid replied “The dogs fine but ran out of gas halfway home”
“She should be back soon, there’s another dog pushing it from the rear”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89f2xh/a_dog_needed_to_go_for_a_walk/
%
I’m having the same problem when I’m playing FPS and when I’m peeing

I shot before I aim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89f1bv/im_having_the_same_problem_when_im_playing_fps/
%
A lady was pulled over for doing 120mph in a 50mph zone

The highway patrolman says "Why in the hell are you driving that fast?" She replied "Well I'm running so late for work." The patrolman says "Well I'm going to have to take you to jail for reckless driving." "Is there anything I can do to avoid it? I'll buy tickets to the Highway Patrolman ball to help support you!" she says. He replied "Ma'am, I thought you knew... highway patrolman have no balls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89f0zf/a_lady_was_pulled_over_for_doing_120mph_in_a/
%
My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89f0fx/my_dad_come_up_to_my_room_and_handed_me_my/
%
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant.

It wasn't long before it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I'll give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze but to no avail.
After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.
Just then a long siren was heard in the distance and another fire truck came into sight.
It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.
To everyone’s amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
In the distance the other firemen watched as the old-timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The chemical company president was overjoyed and announced he'd double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.
After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.
The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we’re going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ew8e/one_dark_night_outside_a_small_town_a_fire/
%
An incredibly wealthy genius loves riddles.

Bored with being smarter than anyone he meets the man decides to offer his fortune to anyone who is able to stump him with a question or riddle. Thousands of people come to try and trick the man and without effort he answers every riddle and piece of trivia he is challenged with.
Finally an old Lady walks in followed by 7 voluptuous naked women.  The old lady instructs the women to stand in a line, the first woman turned away and bent over at the waist, the second leaning towards the genius arching her back with her chest pushed out, the third again facing away and bent over, the fourth facing the man with her breasts nearly in the mans face, the last three women are then turned around and bent over exposing their rears  to the man.
Once in position the old lady looks to the genius, and tells him, 'this was my late husbands favorite song.  What is it?'  The genius unable to concentrate on anything other than the 7 beautiful naked women in front of him finally concedes that he doesn't know the answer.   He pays the woman his vast fortune and asks her the answer.  She smiles and tells him, 'Obviously its the William Tell Overture', She gestures to the naked women next to her,  'Bum Titty Bum Titty Bum Bum Bum'
This was my Grandma's favorite dirty joke, she used to tell it to me when I was around 10 years old, hope you liked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ew70/an_incredibly_wealthy_genius_loves_riddles/
%
What do you call a Communist Sniper?

A Marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89eqpu/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
What do you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89efsj/what_do_you_do_if_youre_attacked_by_a_group_of/
%
How many "suh dudes" does it take to fix a lightbulb?

None, cuz it's already lit fam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89e5yh/how_many_suh_dudes_does_it_take_to_fix_a_lightbulb/
%
I like my coffee how i like my slaves...

Free...sugar free... or whipped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89e55l/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_slaves/
%
Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend John.

"Since when was John your best friend?"
"Since yesterday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89e1mj/yesterday_my_wife_ran_away_with_my_best_friend/
%
The Lone Ranger was captured by Indians...

And was about to be put to death.  The Chief spoke, "Since you are about to die, I'll grant you a wish."
The Lone Ranger said, "I want to talk to my horse."
The Chief thought it was an odd request, but consented, and Silver was led around to the Lone Ranger.  The Lone Ranger whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse went galloping away.
Ten minutes later, Silver came back with a stunningly beautiful blonde woman in the saddle.  The Chief smirked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Go ahead and use my tent."  The Lone Ranger took the blonde into the chief's tent and came back out some time later, saying, "I want to see my horse again."
"Again?" the Chief sighed and reluctantly agreed.  The Lone Ranger whispered into Silver's ear, and the horse went galloping away.
Ten minutes later, Silver returned, this time with a beautiful redhead in the saddle.  The Chief smiled broadly and said, "What a way to go.  You can use my tent again."
The Lone Ranger and the woman went into the Chief's tent and came out some time later.  Immediately, the Lone Ranger said, "I want to see my horse again."
Now the Chief was getting impatient and said, "Okay, but this is the last time."
The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver's reins and shouted at him, "Now listen, you stupid horse:  posse!  P-O-S-S-E!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89e1m2/the_lone_ranger_was_captured_by_indians/
%
What did the first person to get "April Fooled" say?

Jesus!  I thought you were dead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89dl1f/what_did_the_first_person_to_get_april_fooled_say/
%
Three men were in a cafe, talking about their dogs..

First man says: "My dog is so smart if I give some some money he can go the nearest supermarket and buy me some drink.
Second man says: "My dog is so smart that if I give him money, he will buy whatever I want from him and he will return with the change and the receipt.
Both the first and second man turn their head to the third man, who was quiet and was grinning.
Third man says: "My dog works as cashier there."
^^Note: ^^Sorry ^^for ^^the ^^grammatical ^^errors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89djse/three_men_were_in_a_cafe_talking_about_their_dogs/
%
I pulled out my wallet and a condom fell out on the floor.

I looked hopefully at my wife and said "want to go use that?"
She said "no."
I said, "even better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89dipn/i_pulled_out_my_wallet_and_a_condom_fell_out_on/
%
Wanna hear a joke? Pussy.

Yeah, I don’t get get it either...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89dhtm/wanna_hear_a_joke_pussy/
%
I phoned my wife...

...and said "would you like me to pick up fish & chips on the way home from work"
She had just grunted down the phone.
I think she is regretting letting me pick the names for our twins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89dgox/i_phoned_my_wife/
%
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
"That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.
She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89dcxs/while_playing_in_the_backyard_little_johnny_kills/
%
I saw a job posting for an Astronomer and it sounded pretty stress free.

I’d just do a bunch of light reading all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89dcnz/i_saw_a_job_posting_for_an_astronomer_and_it/
%
If I had a dime for every math problem I get wrong

I'd have $1.46

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89d4bs/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_math_problem_i_get_wrong/
%
I'm so close to being a broker.

I'm broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89d0yo/im_so_close_to_being_a_broker/
%
What do you get when you have three lawyers up to their necks in sand?

More sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89d090/what_do_you_get_when_you_have_three_lawyers_up_to/
%
To the person who found a pot of marmalade at a Foo Fighters concert last year

That's my jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89cz3q/to_the_person_who_found_a_pot_of_marmalade_at_a/
%
My friends distanced themselves from me because I became convinced that I was a power button.

Anyway, I'm off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89cyv2/my_friends_distanced_themselves_from_me_because_i/
%
How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89cx8p/how_does_nasa_organize_a_party/
%
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89cv4w/a_married_couple_went_to_the_hospital_to_have/
%
I have a joke about social security...

You probably won't get it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89cqbb/i_have_a_joke_about_social_security/
%
China has announced a tariff on pork imports from the US

It's unclear if they are referring to food or tourists at this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ckkh/china_has_announced_a_tariff_on_pork_imports_from/
%
I finally know the moral of the story "Beauty and the Beast"...

As long as you're rich and have a nice house, a girl will eventually fall for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ch6z/i_finally_know_the_moral_of_the_story_beauty_and/
%
What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer thinks blondes are dumb and that he can get one over on her easily, so the lawyer asks if the blonde would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to fall asleep.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun.
"I'll ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, then you'll ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde quietly reaches into her pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all the references he could find on the internet; he sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the blonde up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89cdvq/what_goes_up_a_hill_with_three_legs_and_comes/
%
How many 99%ers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None! Ha! We can’t change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89cd8v/how_many_99ers_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
"Doctor, everytime I play a table-top role playing game I get really distracted."

Doctor: "Sounds like you may have AD&D"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89c9d4/doctor_everytime_i_play_a_tabletop_role_playing/
%
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence...

...often goes undetected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89c68r/accordion_to_a_recent_survey_replacing_words_with/
%
I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though...

...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89c4h8/i_went_to_a_party_last_weekend_at_mc_hammers/
%
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

"Hold onto your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89c3s2/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_tree/
%
I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid

He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fences

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89c1s3/i_decided_to_teach_karate_to_my_neighbors_kid/
%
They laughed at me when I said I will become a comedian

Well, they are not laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89bwn3/they_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_will_become_a/
%
How do prisoners contact each other?

Cell Phones!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89bqpd/how_do_prisoners_contact_each_other/
%
How do you set fire to a football stadium?

With a match.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89bp1s/how_do_you_set_fire_to_a_football_stadium/
%
What does a french masochist say after getting beaten up?

Merci

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89bouh/what_does_a_french_masochist_say_after_getting/
%
Two boys are walking through the woods and one of them gets an idea of a funny prank.

He picks up some rabbit turds and after a few minutes of walking, stops, and says, "want some smart-pills?" The other boy said "sure" takes a couple, and swallows them whole.
"I don't feel any smarter."
"Take a couple more." And he does.
Moments later, eyes coming to realization,"Say, if I didn't know any better, I'd say those were rabbit turds."
"Now you're getting smarter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89bni2/two_boys_are_walking_through_the_woods_and_one_of/
%
When I joined the army to fight the cannibals, I was a fresh recruit.

But by the end I was a seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89bik9/when_i_joined_the_army_to_fight_the_cannibals_i/
%
When I was 9, I was touched by an Angel.

Angel Martinez, currently serving 16 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89bia0/when_i_was_9_i_was_touched_by_an_angel/
%
What's an owl's favourite drink?

Hoot beer!
Sorry, I made this joke up when I was 5 and just wanted to share :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89bgcz/whats_an_owls_favourite_drink/
%
I tried to open a record/ DJ shop in Israel.

I probably shouldn’t have named it Vinyl Solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89bfrm/i_tried_to_open_a_record_dj_shop_in_israel/
%
What did the Indian kid say to his mum?

Mumbai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89beet/what_did_the_indian_kid_say_to_his_mum/
%
What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekly
Try Weekly
and
Try Weakly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89b6di/what_are_the_3_stages_of_sex_after_marriage/
%
A stranger was seated next to a little beautiful girl on the airplane...

when the stranger turned to her and said: "Let's talk, I am sure that flights are faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?" The girl asked.
"Ok," he said "That could be an interesting topic!"
The girl continues: "But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"The stranger thinks about it and says:"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies:"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89b2o7/a_stranger_was_seated_next_to_a_little_beautiful/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, But how do you get them in there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89b038/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89awvx/why_did_adele_cross_the_road/
%
A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89aoqt/a_boy_says_to_his_dad_why_do_they_say_gardeners/
%
My grandad the bus driver passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday

unlike his passengers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89acne/my_grandad_the_bus_driver_passed_away_peacefully/
%
TIL that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

because they're more likely to be dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89ac50/til_that_unvaccinated_children_are_less_likely_to/
%
You’re liking my dad’s “groan”joke. So here’s another. (Much worse)

An adventurer was out in the jungle when he came upon Tarzan.  He was painting white stripes on black zebras and black stripes on white zebras.
Although curious, the explorer returned home.
A year later he came back.
Again he finds Tarzan in the jungle.  He’s painting white stripes on black zebras and black stripes on white zebras.
Every year the explorer returns and every year it is the same scene.
Finally he grabs Tarzan and says:  “every time I come here you are painting white stripes on black zebras, black stripes on white zebras...What does it mean???”
“Well,” he said “Tarzan stripes forever.”
(This joke is actually best told at s large party, where you have a captive audience.  You stretch it out making the audience do jungle noises and have the explorer searching for various jungle animals.
You can go on for as long as you think the audience can take it.   As you approach the punchline (finally) make a show about trying to get out of harms way as you finally throw the end at them.  They have usually all been laughing so much, it works.  My dad was kinda infamous for his 20-minute Tarzan joke. Shockingly, alcohol does not seem to be mandatory.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89abms/youre_liking_my_dads_groanjoke_so_heres_another/
%
How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89a7to/how_many_deadheads_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Chinese man goes to a corner store

.
The owner looks up and sees him, being a typical liberal he decides to be nasty to the potential customer to make up for what he had read earlier during breakfast of herbal green tea and croissants. He had read that the Chinese regime ate Tibetan babies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And on Sundays, they ate two.
As the Chinese man approaches the counter, the owner ignores him for a few long minute and then glares and growls at him, 'What do you want?'
The Chinese man politely informs him that he would like ten cans of dog food.
"No, can't do that. we have laws in this country. I need to see proof that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food" huffs the owner "I'm doing this for your own good, I don't want you eating it yourself and getting food poisoning."
The Chinese man gives a sad sigh and walks away.
Half an hour later the Chinese man reappears but this time with a huge cardboard box and asks for ten cans of dog food again.
The owner almost screeches this time. "Look, I told you, I cannot sell you dog food without proof, now get out!"
The Chinese man refuses to move and softy tells the owner he has brought the proof in the box.
The owner reaches into the box and pulls out the sorriest flea bitten mongrel puppy that he has ever seen. Having no more excuses not to sell the dog food, the owner place ten cans into the box but made sure to charge double the price, justifying the decit by promising to himself to put the extra into the Winnie Mandela lesbian feminist memorial fund.
The next day the Chinese man reappears but this time he asks for ten cans of cats food. Once again the owner sends him packing, demanding to see the proof of a cat. And once again the Chinese man reappeared later the same day with a huge cardboard box, this time containing a moth eaten almost ferral kitten.
The day after the Chinese man had wised up to the ways of the owner and had bought the huge cardboard box with him. The owner glares at the Chinese man and with face contorted with suppressed hate hisses out "What is it this time, dog or cat?" He reaches into the box and grabs something soft. He pulls out his hand which is now covered in a foul smelling greenish brown slime.
The Chinese man looks at him and says in a soft polite voice "Please sir, can I have ten rolls of tiolet paper"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89a1j0/chinese_man_goes_to_a_corner_store/
%
Did you know the most commonly used search term on Google is "butt plug"?

Well, it's not. I just pulled that out of my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/899yym/did_you_know_the_most_commonly_used_search_term/
%
One for the Mathematicians

Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.
They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.
A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.
“The solution is easy,” she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.
After she leaves, one of the engineers says,
“That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/899uku/one_for_the_mathematicians/
%
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/899nzd/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_girl_with_a_yeast/
%
An American overhears two Italian men talking on a bus.

One of the men says to the other "first emma come, then I come, two asses come, then I come again, two more asses come, then I come again, pee two times, then I come again." Outraged, the American shouts at them "There are kids on this bus! You can't talk like that!" The Italian man replies "what are you talking about? I'm just trying to teach my friend how to spell Mississippi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/899kjq/an_american_overhears_two_italian_men_talking_on/
%
Jesus's greatest miracle..

A dude in his thirties with 12 friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/899dqi/jesuss_greatest_miracle/
%
A man was driving home from work when his car broke down in front of a monastery... [LONG]

He knocked on the door and a monk answered. The man said “Mr. monk sir, my car has broken down.” So the monks fixed up his car, fed him, and gave him a place to sleep. At around midnight the man woke up to a deep ominous noise, and it made it hard for him to fall asleep, but he eventually did. When he woke up in the morning he asked the monks what the noise was. The monks replied “Oh sorry we can’t tell you, you’re not a monk.” So the man just brushes it off and heads off for work
A few years later on his way home from work he broke down in front of the same monastery. Then he knocked on the door again and said, “Mr. monk, I broke down again...” and the monk said “no it’s okay” and the monks gave him food, fixed his car, and gave him a place to sleep. Once again around the middle of the night he woke up to a deep ominous noise that made it difficult to fall back asleep. The next morning he again asked the monks what the noise was, and the once again responded “sorry we can’t tell you, you’re not a monk.” At this point the man got curious and said “what do I have to do to become a monk?” They responded “you have to count all the blades of grass, and all the grains of sand in the world” so the man went off.
45 years later the man returned and said exactly how many grains of sand and blades of grass are on the earth. So the monks said “okay, now you can become a monk” the first thing the man does is ask where that noise is coming from, so they  showed him the door that the noise was coming from, finally he was going to find out what was making that noise.
He reaches for the door handle...
But it’s locked.
“Haha funny joke guys.” The monks all laugh and give him the key, so he opens the door to find another door. They give him the key for that and he opens the door to find another door, he finally gets to the last door and they give him the key...
He will finally figure out the noise.
He opens the door.
And what does he see?
**Well we can’t tell you, because you’re not a monk.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/899bal/a_man_was_driving_home_from_work_when_his_car/
%
Two men with black eyes are sitting at a bar

One turns to the other and asks “how did you get your black eye?”
The other man replies “I need a ticket from Boston to Pittsburgh, and the cashier selling the tickets had large, firm breasts. I tried not to think about them when I ordered my ticket but when she asked me what I wanted I said ‘one picket to Tittsburgh please’. She socked me right in the eye.”
“Huh, that’s funny. I got my black eye in a similar way.”
“What happened?”
“Well, I was at dinner with my wife when I meant to ask her ‘honey, please pass the ketchup.’ But instead I accidentally said ‘bitch you ruined my life.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8992bq/two_men_with_black_eyes_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
%
I got a job tending to baby seals once.

I got fired the first day for using a baseball bat. I guess they had a strict club only policy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/898w6b/i_got_a_job_tending_to_baby_seals_once/
%
What do you call it when you steal your roommates protein powder while stoned?

High Whey Robbery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/898f32/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_steal_your_roommates/
%
I was enjoying reddit's new social experiment, but then someone betrayed my CircleOfTrust ...

What a circlejerk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8989z1/i_was_enjoying_reddits_new_social_experiment_but/
%
Elevator of youth

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?".
The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don`t know what it is!".
While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8988x3/elevator_of_youth/
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My dad’s favorite. (Get the groan ready)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/897vbi/my_dads_favorite_get_the_groan_ready/
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How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why does it have to be a group activity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8977ym/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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During a drought, a farmer remembers hearing about a native tribe who's rain dance is said to work every time...

so the next day he gets in his pickup and heads out to visit the tribes chief.
When he gets there he asks if the tribe would be able to preform a rain dance for him.
"Yes, we can call the spirits of water with our dance, but first I must gather the tribe, and my son is two states away at a collage. Before I call him home, however, I must ask you what you have to offer in return, and that before you offer remember that it must be paid to the whole tribe."
"Ok" said the farmer " how does 10% of my crop sound, I grow corn, wheat and carrots and that should be enough to feed about 100 people for a few months."
After a moment of thought the chief replies "We cannot possibly use that much, we can take 5% of your crops, and if you can give the other 5% as cash so we can buy other supplies it can be done."
"Deal" replied the farmer.
After speaking to his son on his cellphone, the chief arranges everything to take place the following weekend. When the time comes the tribes start dancing, for two hours the chant and burn herbs, and miraculously the skies start to darken and the clouds let out a torrential downpour.
When the time comes to pay, the chiefs son comes around with a trailer to pick up the food and money. After all is said and done the farmer starts to make some small talk and says:
"Thank you for coming down from collage help with the dance, what are you studying?"
"Me? No, you have me wrong, I am not a student, I am the professor of meteorology"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89774b/during_a_drought_a_farmer_remembers_hearing_about/
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Gay men make me puke.

But, maybe I should stop deep throating so far...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89753a/gay_men_make_me_puke/
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Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8974kw/is_it_ok_to_hate_certain_races/
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Why was the kleptomaniac clown visiting the liquor store?

He was lifting their spirits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8974fb/why_was_the_kleptomaniac_clown_visiting_the/
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“I have multiple personality disorder,” said Tom, ...

...being Frank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89724j/i_have_multiple_personality_disorder_said_tom/
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For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.

I have no words to say how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/896yka/for_april_fools_my_girlfriend_replaced_my/
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A man is walking down the street

When he notices his watch has stopped. Seeing a shop window filled with watches and clocks, he goes inside
“My watch has stopped, could you take a look at it?” He asks the man behind the counter.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t work on watches. You see, I’m a Mohel.”
“What’s a Mohel?”
“Well, a Mohel is a rabbi who performs the bris, or circumcision of a newborn boy.”
“Well then why do you have all those watches in your shop window?”
“What SHOULD I put in the window?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/896ygp/a_man_is_walking_down_the_street/
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The beautiful wife

One day a man walks up to his wife with a question. "Honey, why are you both so beautiful and so stupid?"
She responds: "Well, god made me so beautiful so that you would be attracted to me."
The man nods.
"And he made me so stupid so that I would be attracted to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/896w6f/the_beautiful_wife/
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A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."
"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."
"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color."
The prince says. "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."
"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you." The Russian explains.
"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."
The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.
The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.
"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.
"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/896smp/a_saudi_prince_wants_to_buy_a_bull_so_he_goes_to/
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Why do cherry trees stink?

George Washington cut one.
Apparently I told this to my Catholic priest as a child..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/896fdv/why_do_cherry_trees_stink/
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How does KORN make their music?

They play it by ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/896d48/how_does_korn_make_their_music/
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I tell ya, it's fine to eat one test grape in the produce section ...

But take *one bite* of rotisserie chicken, and they're all, "Sir, you need to leave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/896am3/i_tell_ya_its_fine_to_eat_one_test_grape_in_the/
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A man and his NAGGING wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.

The funeral company told the man that it would  cost $45,000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said, “Ship her home.”
Shocked, the undertaker asked, “But sir, why don’t you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?”
To which the husband replied, “A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead….I can't take THAT RISK!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89664m/a_man_and_his_nagging_wife_were_on_holiday_in/
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Why did the sodium get arrested?

A-salt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/895uhw/why_did_the_sodium_get_arrested/
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X Gon’ Give it to Ya

Unless you’re the IRS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/895slm/x_gon_give_it_to_ya/
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A Chinese man and a Jewish man were walking along one day

A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.
"What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man said.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!"
"Oh!"
They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.
"What was that for?" the Jewish man asked.
"That was for the Titanic!"
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/895q5f/a_chinese_man_and_a_jewish_man_were_walking_along/
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You know, I’m into auto erotic asphyxiation, but there is one downside.

You can never really tell if your coming or going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/895pmk/you_know_im_into_auto_erotic_asphyxiation_but/
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The Dollar Store Machine

A man is shopping at the local Dollar store when he finds a new futuristic looking machine near the store's entrance. He asks the store employee what it was.
"This amazing machine will diagnose any ailments you might have from your spit. It costs only $1 to use."
Curious the man gives it a try. He spits into the machine and out pops a sheet of paper. It reads, "You have Tennis Elbow. Put it on ice for a few weeks and it should heal."
The man tries to trick the machine. He collects used dishwater, urine from his wife and sister, and a hair from his dog. As a final touch he jacks off into the whole mixture.
He puts the concoction into the machine. Out spits another piece of paper which reads, "Your tap water has a lime buildup. Buy softener. Your sister is addicted to crack. Seek therapy. Your dog has parasites. Take him to the vet. Your wife is pregnant and you are not the father. Get a lawyer. And if you keep masturbating, your tennis elbow won't get any better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/895jb2/the_dollar_store_machine/
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Did you hear about the girl who joined six men on a fishing trip?

She came home with a red snapper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/895htd/did_you_hear_about_the_girl_who_joined_six_men_on/
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There is a rabbi that studied all the religions of the world. He had worked his whole life to experience them all....

He finally had studied and participated in all the world's religions, except for one. There was the small tropical island far away from civilization. This island, the Island of Trid, was populated by the local islanders, the trids. They an idyllic culture. Easy and peaceful living in harmony with their surroundings. Their whole culture of worship revolved around the giants that lived at the top of the one mountain.
Every Sunday, the Trids would go to the base of the mountain and have a village wide picnic. They had fried chicken, fish, and fruits from the forests. They would enjoy this huge meal and then begin a long trek up the mountain to the cave of the giants.
They would stand in single file line and a giant would grab each one in order and kick them down the hill where they tumbled to sea level. They would hop up, declare the miracle, and go with their families back to the village.
This rabbi was just fascinated by the actions of this religion. He had read journals of this strange worship. This was the last of the world's religions that he hadn't taken part of a ceremony. The priest was able to get a plain flight to a small island and then get a two days boat ride to the island of Trid.
The rabbi arrived on a Saturday night and woke bright and early ready for a new enlightening spiritual ceremony unlike any other known! He was excited. He mingled with some locals and enjoyed a delightful meal. The rabbi observed as the villages all lined up and started walking up the mountain. He got at the end of the line.
At the top of the mountain, he is ecstatic with anticipation. He watches as the giant picks up an islander, kicks him down the hill, and follows it with the words, "you're blessed". The rabbi watched these Trids tumble down far below and hop up looking jubilant. Soon there are just two islanders left in front of him. Both are picked up and kicked down the slope.
Finally he's standing in front of the giant. He's so excited and waiting to be picked up. The giant eyes him up and down, turns around, and starts to walk back into the cave,
"Wait," the rabbi calls. "I've traveled thousands of miles to explore the spirituality and participate in the ceremonies. Please let me participate. I beg you."
The giant turns around and walks back to the rabbi. He looks him up and down again, smirks, and says, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for trids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/894b7y/there_is_a_rabbi_that_studied_all_the_religions/
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A little Girl Got a tricycle for Christmas

It’s Christmas morning and the little girl decides to go outside and ride her new trike she got from Santa. Not long after, a police officer on a horse comes up to the little girl and says
“Well Miss, where’d you get that trike from?”
The little girl shyly replies to the officer
“Santa brought it to me”.
The officer remarks “Well, next time you need to tell Santa to put a reflector on that trike, I’m afraid I’m going to have to write you a ticket for not having a reflector on your tricycle.”
As the officer begins to leave, the little girl calls from behind
“Hey Mister where’d you get that horse from!?”
The police officer decides he’s going to be cute and sarcastically replies “Well Santa brought it to me.” the little girl then responds ”Well next time you need to tell Santa to put the dick on the bottom not the top.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8940h1/a_little_girl_got_a_tricycle_for_christmas/
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I asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.

She always wanted a night in, shining armour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/893v9z/i_asked_my_wife_to_polish_my_medieval_battle/
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You have to pay the full cost of a car upfront in Russia...

And even still you had to wait ten years for them to build the car.
A man wanted to buy a car for his family in communist Russia. But he had to pay the full cost upfront. He worked and he worked and eventually he finally earned all the money necessary.
He put all the money he had saved in a bag and went to the dealer.
“How can I help you sir?”
“I’d like to purchase a car for my family?”
“That will be 20000.”
He sets the money on the table and fills out all the necessary paper work. To finalize the purchase.
“Your van will be ready to pick up ten years from today sir.”
“Will it be ready in the morning or the evening?”
“Umm, excuse me how would I know that sir?”
“Well I have the plumber coming to fix a leak in the morning!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/892oza/you_have_to_pay_the_full_cost_of_a_car_upfront_in/
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A police officer, a Klansman and a murderer walk into a bar...

And then he sits down and orders a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/892mao/a_police_officer_a_klansman_and_a_murderer_walk/
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On the night of his betrayal, how did Jesus defend himself?

Jew-Jitsu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/892fpb/on_the_night_of_his_betrayal_how_did_jesus_defend/
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Donald Trump dies and when he gets to hell he sees the Devil

The Devil says to him, "Donald we've been expecting you. Unfortunately we are full right now and don't have room for you. But if you want I'll show you three rooms I could make available to you."
Trump agrees and the Devil opens the door to the first room and  they see Richard Nixon endlessly diving into a pool of water and getting out. Over and over again. That is how he is spending eternity.
Trump says, "Well I can't do that. That would mess up my hair."
On they go. The Devil opens the door to the second room and there is Ronald Reagan swinging a sledge hammer all day long at a rock wall. Everyday this is what he does.
Once again Trump says, "Well I can't do that. I have a bad shoulder."
So then the Devil brings Trump to the third and final room. He opens the door and there is Bill Clinton getting a blow job from Monica Lewinsky.
Upon seeing this Trump is ecstatic. He says to the Devil, "This looks great! I will definitely take this room."
The Devil then puts his head in the room and says,"Alright Monica, your time is done here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8924s4/donald_trump_dies_and_when_he_gets_to_hell_he/
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If Russia is so cold...

Why did they lose the cold war?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/891tez/if_russia_is_so_cold/
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A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.

A psychologist ran up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/891adj/a_man_was_walking_in_the_street_one_day_when_he/
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A lady was walking down the street...

to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8915tu/a_lady_was_walking_down_the_street/
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A man walks into a psychiatrists with a pair of clingfilm underwear.

Psychiatrist: I can clearly see you're nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/890s4g/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_with_a_pair_of/
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Why is it so difficult to phone people in China?

The country is so full of Wings and Wongs, every time you wing you get the wong number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/890r8o/why_is_it_so_difficult_to_phone_people_in_china/
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What do freshly pregnant teenagers and their babies share?

They both think, ”Mom’s probably going to kill me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/890mky/what_do_freshly_pregnant_teenagers_and_their/
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Three action movie stars are sitting in a bar

So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."
Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"
"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"
That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/890k0p/three_action_movie_stars_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
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Why is a dead dwarf like a small erection?

Because both are a little stiff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/890hsx/why_is_a_dead_dwarf_like_a_small_erection/
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How many ears does Spock have

3 . The right ear, the left ear and the Final Frontier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/890h7o/how_many_ears_does_spock_have/
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Dark

I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/890afc/dark/
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A man offers Descartes $100 to jump in a lake.

Without thinking, Descartes ceases to exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8908x2/a_man_offers_descartes_100_to_jump_in_a_lake/
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Great Moments in Lawyering

"Have you ever attempted suicide?"
"Yes, on multiple occasions."
"Did you ever succeed?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89071g/great_moments_in_lawyering/
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Why did the Mexican . . .

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
- For Hispanic attacks
Why did the Mexican Army invade the Alamo with only 5,000 troops?
- Because they only had two vans
Why did the Mexican train driver kill all his passengers?
- No one knows!  He must have had a locomotive
Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?
- Tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89061a/why_did_the_mexican/
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Remember, if a man steals your wife

the best revenge that you can have is to let him keep her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/89006s/remember_if_a_man_steals_your_wife/
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A man goes to see the doctor.

He has a carrot in his ear, a stick of celery up his nose and mash potato and peas in his hair.
Doctor says "You not eating right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88zxw8/a_man_goes_to_see_the_doctor/
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The Pope is in Chicago...

...and he's waiting for his chauffeured car outside the hotel. As he's waiting, he's thinking to himself "Man, when's the last time I drove? I bet it's been thirty, maybe *fourty* years." So when the driver pulls up, the pope politely asks him if he can drive. The driver, a bit unsure, thinks and says, "Well, you're the pope" and gets in the back.
The pope shifts into drive and slowly makes his way onto Lake Shore Drive. Things go wrong from the start: he nearly sideswipes a delivery van, swerves crazily in front of a bus, and scrapes the side of the car against a light pole. A cop sees all of this, throws on his rollers and pulls up behind the pope's car. The pope, the good man that he is, pulls over on the shoulder right away. The cop gets off his motorcycle, struts up to the car and raps on the driver's side window. The pope obliges, rolls it down, and the cop gets a good look at who's driving.
"One moment, sir" the officer says before walking back to his bike.
He picks up his radio: "Chief, hey, I've got a big problem here. I pulled over someone. Someone *big*, and I
don't know how to handle it."
"Who'd you pull over, the captain?" the chief asks.
"Nah, bigger than that."
"Well, is it an alderman?" the chief asks.
"I'm thinking he's more important."
"Who in the hell did you pull over, the fuckin' mayor?!" the chief nearly screams.
"I don't know who he is, but the pope's driving him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88zv09/the_pope_is_in_chicago/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ztzg/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
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Why is pirating so addictive?

Once you lose your first hand, you get hooked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ztah/why_is_pirating_so_addictive/
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There has always been dispute over the greatest redditor

but we all know it's u/jokesrepostfinderBOT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88zqie/there_has_always_been_dispute_over_the_greatest/
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An elderly couple invites another couple over for dinner.

After their meal, the wives left the table to go clean up in the kitchen.
The two elderly gents were left talking, and one says to the other, "Last night we went out to this fantastic new restaurant. I'd highly recommend it."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend suggest "A poppy?"
"No, no, no" growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88zmeq/an_elderly_couple_invites_another_couple_over_for/
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A teenage boy is caught shoplifting

The shop owner knows the boy's family so he just chews him out and calls his Dad who takes him home and grounds him. The boy's grandfather sees him crying and asks what's wrong. Through sobs the boy tells his grandfather what happened.
The grandfather says "You need to grow some balls son. See when I was just a few years older than you, me and some guys went to the fucking Moulin Rouge, drank whisky, champagne, and ate lobster and caviar all night, fucked the showgirls, and when the owner came to us to ask us to pay the bill we laughed in his face, told him to go fuck himself and walked straight out of there. You just gotta have balls son"
So a week later the grandfather sees his grandson whose face is bruised black and blue and he has a broken arm. The grandfather says "What the fuck happened to you?" The boy says "I did what you said. Went to the Moulin Rouge, ate fine food, drank fine champagne and whisky all night, fucked all the showgirls but when we got up to leave without paying the owner beat the shit out of us." The grandfather says "Who were you with?" The boy says "Just David and John from down the street. Who were you with grandpa?" "The S.S."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88zlyi/a_teenage_boy_is_caught_shoplifting/
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Giving signals

Always told my wife if she wanted to have sex pull on my dick once. If she didn’t want sex pull on my dick 40-50 times.........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88zi1q/giving_signals/
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How does an Italian win an award in television?

He has to rigatoni

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88zc1b/how_does_an_italian_win_an_award_in_television/
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My favorite quote is: "Kill it with fire"...

Shouldn't have wrote that on my resume when I applied for a fireman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88z61i/my_favorite_quote_is_kill_it_with_fire/
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A farmer had a chicken...

Every evening, the farmer put it in its coop made of mud, but in the morning, it somehow managed to get out from the back. So, the farmer made a wooden coop, put it in and nicely bolted the door. But in the morning, it still broke out from the back. Unable to figure out how, the farmer made an aluminium cage and in the evening, put the chicken in. But to his surprise the next morning, the chicken had gotten out of the cage too. Not to be beaten by the chicken, the farmer bought a steel cage, put it in, put high grade locks at the front, sides and back of the cage, but to his surprise, the chicken still got out in the morning! Finally, the farmer had it with the chicken's bullshit, so he killed him, cooked it and ate it for dinner. But the chicken still got out of his rear in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88z5nk/a_farmer_had_a_chicken/
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In every argument there's always the denier..

It's definitely not me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88z38h/in_every_argument_theres_always_the_denier/
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Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88z01h/did_you_hear_about_the_claustrophobic_astronaut/
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A man gets a job as a train conductor...

...for years he’s been great at his job. When the train arrives at the station he blows the whistle to announce the arrival and for the opening of the doors. After everyone gets off and on he, blows the whistle for the closing of the doors and the train departure.
It was a pretty mindless job and one day he was working away, blowing his whistle, the trains came and went, and on one particular train he thought everyone had boarded and he blew the whistle, when an old lady with her dog was still getting on the train. The doors closed and chopped the lady clean in half, killing her.
The man being responsible for this woman’s death was tried in court and found guilty of manslaughter. The sentence was death by the chair. He was placed in a cell until his execution. A few hours before he was to be killed, the warden came to his cell.
“You get one last meal, anything. You name it.”
“Really?” The man said. “Well if I were to have one last meal it would be 50kg of bananas
The warden looked stunned, he wasn’t sure if he heard him right, but the man looked sincere and who was he to deny him this last meal.
So he buys 50kg of bananas and takes them back to the cell. The warden looks in amazement and disgust as the man devours the bananas skin and all.
After stuffing himself and making quite a mess, the man is led to the electric chair. He’s strapped in, and the electrodes attached. The executioner places his hand on the lever “3... 2... 1...” he pulls the lever and grimaces, only to find the man is perfectly fine. He pulls its again, and again but still nothing happens. They check the wires but everything is okay, the man just won’t die.
The warden is stunned “We’ll only an act of God could save you. Clearly you just aren’t meant to die. Your free to go.”
So the man leaves and gets a job as a train conductor. He’s doing the same thing, blowing the whistle for arrivals and departures. The trains come and go when one day all the passengers had gotten on board and he blew his whistle right as a little boy dropped his ball out the doors of the train. He went to retrieve it from the platform when BAM he was caught between the doors and sliced in two.
The man was tried and found guilty of murder, he was sent straight to prison to be executed the next day. He was sitting, stewing in his cell when the warden came along.
“Well it’s your last meal... again, what do you want this time?”
“Well since you’re asking, I’d like 50kg of bananas please.” The man says to the disgruntled warden.
The warden shakes his head and exhales in disbelief. “If you say so.” So he leaves to buy 50kg of bananas.
He returns and gives the bananas to the ravenous man and watches as he lobs them down his throat. To the wardens horror, he’s not even chewing them anymore just chucking them down whole. The man finishes and is taken away to be killed.
The executioner is surprised to see him again. The man is strapped in and attached to the electrodes once again. The executioner grips the handle that will end the mans life and yells “3... 2... 1...” and yanks the lever. Only to his absolute bewilderment, nothing happens. They check the wires, the chair the power and pull again and again but the man remains perfectly fine. By now the warden cannot believe his eyes, but the executioner proclaims “This is an act of God, clearly you are not meant to die, you have been spared yet again and are free to go”
So the man leaves.
And gets a job as a train conductor. He’s blowing his whistle and sending the trains off only this time he’s learnt from his mistakes. He’s intently looking for people every time a train comes and for several months he goes by without killing anyone.
Until one fateful day when he was doing his job and he saw the most beautiful woman he had ever the seen. As she strutted by he whistled and she turned and gave him a wink. Only the train driver heard the whistle and closed the door, crushing a business man, splitting him in twain.
He was seized and sent to court, tried and found guilty of murder for the third time. The judge was done with him and sentenced him to death that day. As he was sitting in his cell once again, the warden came to him.
“50kg of bananas?” He asked the man
“50kg of bananas.” The man replied
The warden walked away, baffled at the events of the past couple of months. He returned with 50kg of bananas and gave them to the man only this time he didn’t finish all the bananas as he had eaten quite a large breakfast. The warden marched him to the electric chair and strapped him in, curious as to what would happen. The executioner is also intrigued as to whether or not the man will cheat death yet again. He grasps the lever and counts down. “3... 2... 1...” he pulls the lever and...
...nothing happens.
The executioner has just given up at this point and says “Well it’s an act of God. Clearly you just aren’t meant to die yet, just promise me you won’t get a job at that damn train company.”
The man makes no promises and walks away, a free man. The warden runs up to him. Panting he asks.
“I have to ask, how have you cheated the electric chair so many times? Is it the bananas?”
Calmly the man replies “No, I’m just a really bad conductor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88yz5s/a_man_gets_a_job_as_a_train_conductor/
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Seriously? You're asking me why I love watching documentaries of dangerous places?

Let's not go there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88yyhy/seriously_youre_asking_me_why_i_love_watching/
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What's a skeletons favourite sauce?

Grave-y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88yw10/whats_a_skeletons_favourite_sauce/
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A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs...

The bar tender asks him "Mate why do you have a steering wheel between your legs?" The man replies "I have no idea, but it is driving me nuts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88yw08/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88yrtl/a_man_hasnt_been_feeling_well_so_he_goes_to_his/
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A guy rents a hotel room and hires a prostitute to meet him there.

Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.
There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and straight away starts giving him a hand job.
It suddenly dawns on him that this is easily the weirdest hand job he's ever had. She's tugging at it quite rough, twisting the end, literally blowing on it and even biting it a few times. He's amazed she has any customers at all.
He stops her immediately and yells, "Enough! Get the fuck out of here!"
About 5 minutes after she leaves, the phone rings in his room.
He picks it up and a voice says, "Hello sir, this is reception. We heard what just happened and we'll send another one up straight away."
"Wow! I didn't know you provide that kind of service!" says the man
"Yes sir! Although, we'd kindly ask you to try and keep your temper down. You gave the bell boy quite a scare after he couldn't open your champagne."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88yqt0/a_guy_rents_a_hotel_room_and_hires_a_prostitute/
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Word Play jokes are the best and here's why

Why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88yqhm/word_play_jokes_are_the_best_and_heres_why/
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What sound did the Chinese space station make as it broke apart?

Bang Ding Ow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ypog/what_sound_did_the_chinese_space_station_make_as/
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I got into a water fight with the kids in the street.

I Won
They completely underestimated me and my kettle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88yodc/i_got_into_a_water_fight_with_the_kids_in_the/
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“When the male genetalia is called cock, then why female genetalia is not called as hen ?”

“Sir, just one advice before you leave . Next time in interview , when they ask if you have any questions . It’s about the company or your potential role in it “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ynl8/when_the_male_genetalia_is_called_cock_then_why/
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What is the lizards greatest natural enemy?

An independently informed people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88yli8/what_is_the_lizards_greatest_natural_enemy/
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A man goes in the jungle..

Suddenly he comes across a tiger. The tiger looks at the man and tells him," I'm hungry and I am going to eat you whole. But I am going to give you a chance to survive. I'm going to ask you a riddle. If you can answer this question,I'll let you go.
"When the day after tomorrow is yesterday, today will be as far from Wednesday as today was from Wednesday when the day before yesterday was tomorrow. What is the day after this day?"
The man looks at the tiger and says," Holy Shit! A talking tiger!!!" Then he shoots the tiger with his gun and kills it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88yjbr/a_man_goes_in_the_jungle/
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Women are like hex screws

The more damaged they are, the more prone to stripping they become.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88y7tn/women_are_like_hex_screws/
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I've just seen the most confusing book...

Ventriloquism for Dummies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88y4gk/ive_just_seen_the_most_confusing_book/
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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.
She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88y4dp/my_wife_is_deathly_afraid_of_snakes_so_i_got_her/
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I don’t get why more people don’t become suicide bombers

I mean, you have guaranteed job security for the rest of your life!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88y41d/i_dont_get_why_more_people_dont_become_suicide/
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What's a dilemma?

A student asked his professor,
" what is the definition of a dilemma?"
The Professor said, " well, nothing.
The best is an example for illustration."
" imagine lying in a big bed with
A beautiful naked young woman on one side.
And homosexual man on the other side."
" who do you want to turn your back on?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88xz3a/whats_a_dilemma/
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My friend blamed himself for creating a fight club

I told him "Don't beat yourself up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88xx3v/my_friend_blamed_himself_for_creating_a_fight_club/
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I like defending myself in court.

So sue me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88xvw2/i_like_defending_myself_in_court/
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I was trying to google "How do I know if I had Alzheimer's?"

Apparently, someone has already searched that. Weird...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88xvhv/i_was_trying_to_google_how_do_i_know_if_i_had/
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From my Botswanan friend

A man dies and goes to hell.
He finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.
He goes to Germany Hell and asks, 'What do they do here?' ... He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day'. The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.
He checks out the USA Hell as well as the Russia Hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.
Then he comes to the BOTSWANA Hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, 'What do they do here?'
He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The BOTSWANA devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.
'But, that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?' asks the man.
Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the BOTSWANA devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in; signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88xoa1/from_my_botswanan_friend/
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An English ship is sinking just off the German coast...

”Mayday, mayday, we are sinking!”
The German coast guard responds: ”Hello, zhis is ze German coast guard, whaz are you zinking about?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88xo9m/an_english_ship_is_sinking_just_off_the_german/
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Time zones are amazing

It's a different time all around the world. For example in some parts of the US it's still 1950

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88xnln/time_zones_are_amazing/
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Don't believe everything you see on internet.

-Mahatma Gandhi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88xngi/dont_believe_everything_you_see_on_internet/
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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88xgxq/as_i_get_older_and_remember_all_the_people_ive/
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Golf

Jesus, Moses, and an old guy are playing golf.
Moses is up first. He lines up his shot, and hits the ball. The ball bounces across the water, and sinks. Moses walks up to the water, parts the water, walks across the dry land to the ball, hits it, and it lands on the green.
Jesus is up next. He lines up his shot, and hits the ball. The ball bounces across the water, and lands on a log. Jesus walks on the water over to the log, hits it, and it lands on the green.
The old guy is up next. He lines up his shot, and hits the ball. The ball bounces across the water, hits the ball, and ricochets off the log onto a lilypad. A frog comes, and eats the ball. Then, a bird comes, picks up the frog, and drops him on the green. The ball rolls out of the frog’s mouth, and into the hole, scoring a hole in one.
Moses turns to Jesus and says “I hate playing golf with your dad.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88xan1/golf/
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Malcolm Turnbull plans to fix NBN over the next 5 years

Starting on April Fools Day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88xah2/malcolm_turnbull_plans_to_fix_nbn_over_the_next_5/
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The first time I got high was with my brother in his car.

It must've been some good shit too because I don't even got a brother!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88x6s9/the_first_time_i_got_high_was_with_my_brother_in/
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“We’ve divided the population as you’ve requested, Mr. President,” announced the assistant from the doorway, “so we’re just waiting on your final approval for the memory wipe.”

“Wipe the memory of groups 1-8,” replied the president, “leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too.”
“Sir? You want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?”
The president stood from his chair and looked out at the world from his window.
“Only 90s kids will remember this.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88x3rs/weve_divided_the_population_as_youve_requested_mr/
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Son: Am I Adopted?

Father: Not Yet. Nobody Wants You.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88x2rb/son_am_i_adopted/
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What did the blind man use to cure his illness?

Seafood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88x1m4/what_did_the_blind_man_use_to_cure_his_illness/
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"Madam, do you want the father to be present during the childbirth?"

"No way! That way, my husband would meet him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88x11n/madam_do_you_want_the_father_to_be_present_during/
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A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88wwom/a_carpenter_a_tailor_a_sailor_a_priest_and_an/
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Have you heard of that new band “1023 Megabytes”?

They’re pretty good, but they don’t have a gig just yet.
Edit !: just woke up and i feel like the comments are funnier than my joke :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88wwnq/have_you_heard_of_that_new_band_1023_megabytes/
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[Long] Bruce Buffer invites Joe Rogan and Dana White over for dinner...

On their way to Bruce’s house, Dana says “Joe, you’re gonna fuckin’ love Bruce’s cooking. This guy is the best, he could start his own restaurant. But hey, I’ve got to warn you - *do not* ask him how he cooks the food.”
Joe agrees, but thinks to himself *Well fuck, now I really wanna know...*
So they sit down with Bruce to eat the meal and Joe just can’t contain himself anymore, so he says, “Bruce this is absolutely fuckin’ amazing, I didn’t know you could cook like this. What the fuck is in these potatoes man? I’ve gotta get this recipe.”
Bruce’s face turns red and he says, “Oh well, a little of this, a little of that.”
Meanwhile, Dana is visibly pissed and kicks Joe underneath the table. This only pisses Joe off and now he *really* wants to know. So Joe says, “Bruce I gotta know man, what’s in these potatoes? I don’t think I can enjoy potatoes ever again unless they’re made like this.”
Dana says, “Joe, shut the fuck up or I swear to god...” but Joe interrupts and says “Bruce what the FUCK ARE IN THESE POTATOES?!”
Bruce start visibly shaking, pulls back from the table and says, “iiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT’SSS.... THYME!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88wwhe/long_bruce_buffer_invites_joe_rogan_and_dana/
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What did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons?

Hose A and Hose B!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88wqku/what_did_the_mexican_fire_chief_name_his_two_sons/
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What do you call an alligator in a trench coat?

An investigator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88wlp2/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_trench_coat/
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What is Forrest Gump's password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88wj0l/what_is_forrest_gumps_password/
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What did the recently reprieved prisoner suffer from?

Post-pardon depresson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88wh3s/what_did_the_recently_reprieved_prisoner_suffer/
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I went round MC Hammer's house the other day.

It was rubbish!!
He wouldn't let me touch anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88wgrv/i_went_round_mc_hammers_house_the_other_day/
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Nobody, Nothing, and Crazy go on a boat.

Nobody falls in the water. Nothing tells Crazy to call the police. Crazy quickly pulls out his phone and dials 911 and says: "Hi, I'm Crazy. I call for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88wc7u/nobody_nothing_and_crazy_go_on_a_boat/
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A duck walks into a bar and asks,

"Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88w7g2/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
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Happy Easter

April Fools
Now go pay your rent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88w1uc/happy_easter/
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My friend really sucks at carpentry

He walked into Home Depot thinking he needed a screw.
The employee was trying to explain that he needed a nail, and how it even worked
Friend: So you're telling me I have to strike this thing repeatedly with a hammer?
Employee: Yes, you hit the nail on the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88vx1t/my_friend_really_sucks_at_carpentry/
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A Free Ride

Mark and his wife Marcie went to the State Fair every year. Every year Mark would say, "Marcie, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Marice would say, "I know, Mark, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This year Mark and Marcie went to the fair and Mark said," Marcie, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Marcie would say, "I know, Mark, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." " Marcie, I'm 71 years old now. If I don't ride that airplane this time I may never get another chance. " said Mark.
Marcie replied, " Mark, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, " Folks, I'll make you a deal. How about I take both of you up for a ride. But only If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word then it's ten dollars."
Mark and Marcie agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twist and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still, not a words was heard.
As the land the pilot turns to Mark and say, " By golly, did you suprise me, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn''t. Are you an experienced veteran old man?"
Mark replied, " Well, I was about to say somethimg when Marcie fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Edit : Typo
Edit 2: Typo, Thumb to big for a small handheld phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88vu0w/a_free_ride/
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I farted, and my girlfriend asked if I sat on a duck...

I said, “yeah, it’s stuck in my ass quack.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88vr8d/i_farted_and_my_girlfriend_asked_if_i_sat_on_a/
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A man wake up from a coma and see that Trump is president...

... he says "Wow this is a really elaborate April fool's joke".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88vna5/a_man_wake_up_from_a_coma_and_see_that_trump_is/
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Why did Jesus only play his favorite game on PC?

Because it wasn’t cross-platform

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88vaos/why_did_jesus_only_play_his_favorite_game_on_pc/
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Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Because it's pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88v84y/why_shouldnt_you_write_with_a_broken_pencil/
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I have a chicken proof lawn...

It's impeccable...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88v3a7/i_have_a_chicken_proof_lawn/
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I went to McDonalds today...

The ice cream machine was working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88uz2z/i_went_to_mcdonalds_today/
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A girlfriend wants her boyfriend dead

But she doesn’t know how to commit a murder. She calls one of her best friends and tells her “I want him dead, but I’m to scared to do it. Could you help?”
Her best friend tells her “It’s alright, I got this and I’ll make it look like an accident.”
The next day the police are called because a  dead body was found in an alleyway. A crime scene is set up and a detective does his detective work. After he’s done an officer asks him “So detective, what did you discover?”
The detective looks at the officer and tells him “Well it appears that someone beat this man to death with what seems to be a crowbar and then placed a banana peel 4 feet behind him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88uycp/a_girlfriend_wants_her_boyfriend_dead/
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Your momma's so fat

she went to the food court and was found guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88upez/your_mommas_so_fat/
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Why did Jesus appear to women first after the resurrection?

He wanted to be sure the news spread quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ul4u/why_did_jesus_appear_to_women_first_after_the/
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I started a band named 999 megabytes

We haven’t gotten a gig yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ukxj/i_started_a_band_named_999_megabytes/
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What’s the one place in Thailand where people don’t care?

Phuket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88uk1w/whats_the_one_place_in_thailand_where_people_dont/
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My favorite stereo-types I know are asian ones.

Sony, Toshiba, Samsung, etc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88uj5a/my_favorite_stereotypes_i_know_are_asian_ones/
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A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.

The little boy said, “Mom what are you doing?”
She said, “Son, your daddy’s stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.”
He said, “ Aw momma you’re wasting your time because when you’re not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88uin9/a_little_boy_caught_his_mom_riding_his_dad/
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Who makes more money, a prostitute or a drug dealer? (NSFW)

It depends on who has the best crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88uhs7/who_makes_more_money_a_prostitute_or_a_drug/
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I'm sure my girlfriend is cheating on me

Even the label in her underwear says Next!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88uhry/im_sure_my_girlfriend_is_cheating_on_me/
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My friend got crushed by a pile of books.

He’s only got his shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88uhm0/my_friend_got_crushed_by_a_pile_of_books/
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An astronomer has realized an ancient society has been writing jokes all over Mars, Venus, and other celestial bodies...

The astronomer, getting a huge laugh out of them, decided to record them down. The astronomer kept looking into space, and he kept finding gems that he couldn't stop laughing at. One day, having recorded over 100 jokes, he decided to publish all of them in a book, because the jokes were so funny and original. The book was an instant success, and sold millions of copies, as people all over the world was entertained by the jokes the astronomer has found.
Noting his success, the astronomer's colleague, who specialized in asteroids that enter the earth's atmosphere, decided to publish a book of all the jokes he found written on asteroids he saw. The joke book was an even bigger success than the first astronomer's. It got incredible ratings from all sources, and sold over 500 million copies.
The first astronomer then asked his colleague, "How did your jokes do so much better than mine?"
The second astronomer replied. "You know..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88uhks/an_astronomer_has_realized_an_ancient_society_has/
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when life gives you melons

you might be dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ufjf/when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
I put together a list of 288 dead baby jokes to post.

I decided not to post them because it would be two gross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ucit/i_put_together_a_list_of_288_dead_baby_jokes_to/
%
Why did the blonde’s belly button hurt?

Blonde guys are dumb too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88uc1c/why_did_the_blondes_belly_button_hurt/
%
A man is told by doctors he will be dead by the following morning from his illness...

Man: Honey, get dressed! We're going out tonight and have the time of our lives! I only have one more night to live!
Wife: That's easy for you to say. You don't have to work in the morning...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88u9jl/a_man_is_told_by_doctors_he_will_be_dead_by_the/
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I've been reading this book on Jewish history

It's called, "A Series of Unfortunate Events"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88u90g/ive_been_reading_this_book_on_jewish_history/
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A blonde discovered that most accidents happen within 10 blocks from home...

So she moved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88u8o7/a_blonde_discovered_that_most_accidents_happen/
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How do you contact a dead itallian?

With a Luigi board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88u5w0/how_do_you_contact_a_dead_itallian/
%
Can a woman be the president of Russia?

No because Putin is not a woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88u4ku/can_a_woman_be_the_president_of_russia/
%
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88u156/vandals_have_attacked_the_national_origami_museum/
%
My girlfriend left a note on my refrigerator saying, "This isn't working, goodbye"...

I opened the fridge and it's working just fine...
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88tzp1/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_my_refrigerator/
%
When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian

Nobody's laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88twvb/when_she_was_growing_up_everybody_laughed_when/
%
Anyone wants to buy a used theremin?

I haven't touched it for years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88tpzf/anyone_wants_to_buy_a_used_theremin/
%
I don't usually brag about my shampoo

But it really is head and shoulders above everything else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88tpas/i_dont_usually_brag_about_my_shampoo/
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What is Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?

It’s fucking r/aww!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88thub/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
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What has four letters, never has five letters, and sometimes has 9 letters

I wasn't asking a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88tgww/what_has_four_letters_never_has_five_letters_and/
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Why couldn’t the flock of seagulls get to the Middle East?

Because Iran so far away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88t6mf/why_couldnt_the_flock_of_seagulls_get_to_the/
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The USSR just got back together!

It's the Soviet Reunion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88t492/the_ussr_just_got_back_together/
%
I was ordering food for the cast of Black Panther. I asked if they liked pizza.

They said, “It depends. Wakanda pizza?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88t1j4/i_was_ordering_food_for_the_cast_of_black_panther/
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Sperm...

Is just life in a nutshell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88t0lm/sperm/
%
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a South Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian, and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.
The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88t00g/an_afghan_an_albanian_an_algerian_an_american_an/
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Why did the knife have a genetic disease?

It was in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88sxjd/why_did_the_knife_have_a_genetic_disease/
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I finally got a girlfriend.

I just wish I could post this in another subreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88sqig/i_finally_got_a_girlfriend/
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They say Jesus Died for our sins...

But he came back three days later, so really he just gave up his weekend for our sins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88so4z/they_say_jesus_died_for_our_sins/
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How do things come out of the Easter Bunny?

With rear eggularity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88snfm/how_do_things_come_out_of_the_easter_bunny/
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Do you know what to do if an epileptic has an attack in bath?

Quickly add your laundry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88sl2s/do_you_know_what_to_do_if_an_epileptic_has_an/
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What happened to the Knight who lost his legs in battle?

He was de-feeted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88sksx/what_happened_to_the_knight_who_lost_his_legs_in/
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One British girl

Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?
Husband: One British girl
****Wife returns from London****
Husband: Where is my gift?
Wife: Wait for nine months...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88sjmg/one_british_girl/
%
What is black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88shv0/what_is_black_and_screams/
%
Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88shlw/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/
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Do you know why the Easter Bunny hides all his eggs?

He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s fucking the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88sg1t/do_you_know_why_the_easter_bunny_hides_all_his/
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American No Standards?

When I use the bathroom in public, I always see these toilets made by American Standard,  an odd name for this company. To me, if you're getting pissed and shit in all day, standards wouldn't be my first guess as to what you had. First, I think it would be issues with self-esteem. And pink eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88sfx2/american_no_standards/
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I don't trust people with graph paper

They are always plotting something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88schw/i_dont_trust_people_with_graph_paper/
%
My favorite Lent joke

An atheist  named John lived in a small Christian village. During lent on every Friday he would grill a deer and the whole village could smell it.
After a few years the village elders got together and said this has to stop and they need to convert John.
The elders eventually convince John to convert and spend a year helping him prepare for his baptism. At the baptism the priest blesses John and sprinkles some water on him and utters "John you were born an atheist and raised an atheist and now you are a Christian!"
Everyone celebrates his conversion and that for the first time on years they won't smell meat grilling on the Fridays of Lent. Well come the first Friday of Lent the villagers smell John cooking a deer and run over to stop him. As they are approaching his yard they see him sprinkling the deer with water and saying "You were born a deer, raised a deer and now you are a trout!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88s7n1/my_favorite_lent_joke/
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My girlfriend thinks I’m cheating

I told her she’s starting to sound like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88s55l/my_girlfriend_thinks_im_cheating/
%
Today is April Fools day so question everything and trust no one.

Basically...it's reddit day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88s53r/today_is_april_fools_day_so_question_everything/
%
My aunt freaked out when I dropped my baby cousin...

She should never have asked me to be a pallbearer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88s1uh/my_aunt_freaked_out_when_i_dropped_my_baby_cousin/
%
I'm so happy and I don't want to die

^^April ^^fools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88rzni/im_so_happy_and_i_dont_want_to_die/
%
What's the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?

One has hydraulics and the other has hybollocks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88rtwv/whats_the_difference_between_a_tractor_and_a/
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just got a new job and was to start today

Told them I won't be able to work
They said "Is it because its Sunday? You said you would on weekends."  I said no that's not why.
They said "Is it because its Easter ? You said you would work holidays"
I said That's not it either. I won't be able to work because I am so tired and exhausted.
"Oh -  Is this a joke because its Aprils fools day?"
I said "Its no joke -  I just finished a 31 day march!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88rq1w/just_got_a_new_job_and_was_to_start_today/
%
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.

Still no matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88rm9w/this_april_fools_i_decided_to_swipe_right_on_only/
%
What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water?

It’s going to take a while to get me hard, I just got laid by some chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88rjq5/what_did_the_easter_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
%
Two peanuts walk into a bar.

One was a salted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88rjki/two_peanuts_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My girlfriend keeps insisting that I'm cheating on her.

She's starting to sound like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ri15/my_girlfriend_keeps_insisting_that_im_cheating_on/
%
So a jewish girl asked for my number...

I told her now we use names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88rh8m/so_a_jewish_girl_asked_for_my_number/
%
Jesus and Moses return to earth for a vacation.

They are walking around a lake, and Moses says, "Well J-Naz, it has been a hot minute or two, but let's see if we can still perform miracles." Moses raises his arms, and the waters in the lake part, showing a dry pathway on the bottom of the lake.
Jesus says, "That's pretty gnarly Momo, I bet I can still walk on the water." Jesus steps on the lake and sinks immediately. He tries six more times, and each one is a failure. Finally, Jesus, soaking wet, sits on the bank of the lake and says, "I just don't get it. You were able to perform your miracle with ease. Why can't I?"
Moses replies, "I bet it has something to do with the holes in your feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88reyd/jesus_and_moses_return_to_earth_for_a_vacation/
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What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88rdtq/what_do_tofu_and_dildos_have_in_common/
%
Mommy mommy! Daddy hanged himself in the living room!

*mom rushes to the living room*
Kid: Haha! April fools! He did it in the attic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88rcyg/mommy_mommy_daddy_hanged_himself_in_the_living/
%
Jesus must be grape...

Cause now he’s a raisin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88rch8/jesus_must_be_grape/
%
Sorry to hear about your dementia...

But do you have that 10 grand you owe me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88rbg6/sorry_to_hear_about_your_dementia/
%
If you fired a gun from the back of a train moving at 400mph

Security will come to get you. Seriously, don't do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ra0u/if_you_fired_a_gun_from_the_back_of_a_train/
%
Why does the Easter bunny hide his eggs?

Because he doesn’t want everyone to know he’s a chicken fucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88r9sx/why_does_the_easter_bunny_hide_his_eggs/
%
How do you say goodbye to a German prostitute?

Lederhosen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88r9gi/how_do_you_say_goodbye_to_a_german_prostitute/
%
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88r98g/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
I accidentally drank the water we used to color eggs for Easter.

I think I dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88r7n2/i_accidentally_drank_the_water_we_used_to_color/
%
My wife asked if we should try bondage.

I said, "We'd better knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88r6n1/my_wife_asked_if_we_should_try_bondage/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88r6jc/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

Bugs Bunny...
Happy Easter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88r5k2/what_do_you_call_a_rabbit_with_fleas/
%
What do you call an energetic baby cow?

Calfinated!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88r51u/what_do_you_call_an_energetic_baby_cow/
%
They say that the 10 types of people in this world are those that can read binary and those that get laid.

Can someone explain to me the other 8 types?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88r4ak/they_say_that_the_10_types_of_people_in_this/
%
The pope is in New York to address the UN,

And as he’s leaving the airport he asks his chauffeur if he can drive the limo, because they never let him drive in the Vatican. His chauffeur has to agree, because of course he can’t refuse the Pope.
The pope hasn’t driven in decades, so of course he’s awful and gets pulled over within a few minutes.
The police officer walks over the the car, and the pope rolls down the window. The officer goes bug-eyed for a moment, then stammers that the pope should wait there while the officer calls up his chief.
The officer calls up the police chief: “Hey, boss, what do I do if I pull over somebody really important?”
“Like how important? The mayor?”
“No, more important!”
“Who, the president? Another head of state?”
“Even more important!”
“Goddamit, who’d you pull over!?”
The officer answers “I don’t actually know who, but the Pope is his chauffeur!”
P.S. Sorry this is a long one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88r310/the_pope_is_in_new_york_to_address_the_un/
%
The last time Easter fell on April Fool’s Day...

...Jesus tricked everybody by making them think he was dead for two days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88r0cd/the_last_time_easter_fell_on_april_fools_day/
%
What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?

Computin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qyge/what_do_you_call_a_russian_that_enjoys_programming/
%
In the event you get attacked by a mob of clowns

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qx6e/in_the_event_you_get_attacked_by_a_mob_of_clowns/
%
I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qwi2/i_read_a_joke_about_an_alternate_ending_to_peter/
%
A man was walking his dog when an angry, rude feminist came up to him.

"Your dog looks fucking ugly" she said.
"...thanks" the man replied, annoyed at her.
"It's probably got a shit name too," she told him.
The man replied, "it's name is Karma"
"What a fucking terrible name. I bet it's a trashy male too," she said. The dog then jumped at the lady and attacked her, making several bite marks.
The man told her "Karma is a bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qt1j/a_man_was_walking_his_dog_when_an_angry_rude/
%
Son, you are adopted.

Son: What?! I knew it! Where are my real parents, I want to meet my real parents!
Dad: Oh, no no. We are your real parents! The new ones will arrive in 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qpzd/son_you_are_adopted/
%
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic.....

I was in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qp8z/i_refused_to_believe_i_was_gay_and_dyslexic/
%
I have a funny and original joke...

April fools!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qovr/i_have_a_funny_and_original_joke/
%
Found on a gardening store sign: We're so glad spring is here,

we wet our plants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qoge/found_on_a_gardening_store_sign_were_so_glad/
%
What kinda room has no doors and no windows?

A mushroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qoay/what_kinda_room_has_no_doors_and_no_windows/
%
I have a condition; Whenever I look at books of any kind...

I want to touch my shelf...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qm3g/i_have_a_condition_whenever_i_look_at_books_of/
%
My middle name is Consistency

So are my first and last names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qlnu/my_middle_name_is_consistency/
%
Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count
Edit 2: #10!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qijd/physicists_are_the_only_scientists_that_matter/
%
Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit?

He used praypal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qhy5/did_jesus_pay_for_our_sins_with_cash_or_credit/
%
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 10,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 50,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the old man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300
Acres? What do you raise?"
“Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qgni/two_texans_are_sitting_on_a_plane_from_dallas_and/
%
A father and a daughter are walking in a dark forest

The daughter says: ”Dad, I’m scared”.
The father replies: ”Imagine how scared I’ll be walking back all by myself”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qfhm/a_father_and_a_daughter_are_walking_in_a_dark/
%
What’s the difference between an original post and a repost?

I don’t know, but I’m sure someone will repost this and get gilded for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qdx6/whats_the_difference_between_an_original_post_and/
%
What did the pimp say to his friend who lost the business?

"Don't worry, it's gonna be alright. My thots are with you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qdhl/what_did_the_pimp_say_to_his_friend_who_lost_the/
%
A husband hires a private detective to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.
"What happened?" asks the husband
"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would disappear upstairs somewhere and then return after a while."
"Oh my god, d... do you think... Shes a prostitute? " asks the husband.
"I thought it was pretty obvious", says the detective, "but after the last fella came back down, I made sure."
"You confronted him?"
"No, I gave her $50."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qcug/a_husband_hires_a_private_detective_to_find_out/
%
"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qb1e/your_eyes_look_red_said_the_cop_have_you_been/
%
What beer do you drink on Easter Sunday?

Rolling Rock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88qb0g/what_beer_do_you_drink_on_easter_sunday/
%
What do Jesus and my penis have in common?

When I woke up this morning, they had both risen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88q8gm/what_do_jesus_and_my_penis_have_in_common/
%
Why is Europe like a frying pan?

Because it has Greece at the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88q81r/why_is_europe_like_a_frying_pan/
%
A dad saw his kid sitting in there sandbox looking intensely at something...

A dad saw his kid sitting in his sand box looking intensely at something, so the dad heads out to see what going on. As he reaches the sandbox he sees that his kid is watching two daddy long legs fornicate. The kid promptly asked what the daddy long legs were doing.
The dad replies "well son what you see is one daddy long leg making love with another daddy long leg."
The kid replies, "so your saying there's one daddy long legs making love to another daddy long leg?"
Dad replies "yes son"
Then the kid promptly stands up and stomps on the daddy long legs while yelling
"we can't have any of this gay shit in my sandbox!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88q5ib/a_dad_saw_his_kid_sitting_in_there_sandbox/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger woke up this morning with a sore head and a bad back...

... he put on his dressing gown and slippers, opened the door to his en suite shower and let out a sigh.
“Why is my shoauwer still broken?” He exclaimed. “The plumber was supposed to hef come last week.”
He made his way to the kitchen to fix himself some food. Opening the fridge, a putrid smell hit his nose and he recoiled in disgust.
“Euaaoorrghhh! Vot kint of foul smell is this? It is as if this is a doorway straight to Satan’s aahmpit.”
A pitter patter of rain began, softly at first and then with increasing strength.
“And now es regnet, fantastic.”
Just then there was a knock at the door. Arnie marched over and yanked it open, grimacing. He looked down at a small elderly man who was clutching a beautifully wrapped present.
“Oh, hallo Mr De Vito.”
“Hi, Arnold!”
“I am sorry you find me in such a state. I hef had a rather tiresome morning.”
“Oh no!” Danny replied. “But you usually enjoy to celebrate this occasion so much!” He smiled. “I brought you something...”
Arnie looks at the present, a small grin beginning to form on his face as he towered over his friend. He takes the present and unwraps it. It’s a beautiful bunny. His grin widens.
“Daniel. Do not worry.”
“Yes, Arnie?”
“I still love Easter, baby.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88q5c9/arnold_schwarzenegger_woke_up_this_morning_with_a/
%
Husband: I have cheated once

Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88q3x3/husband_i_have_cheated_once/
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A Plane Full Of Ugly People Crashes

A plane full of ugly people crashes and everyone on board dies. The peoples’ souls then go to heaven, where they are greeted by God at the gate. God tells them that he will grant each person one wish. The first person says,”I want to be beautiful”. God snapped his fingers and it happened. Then the second person wished for the same thing. This continues as each person in line wishes to be beautiful. God notices the last man in line laughing hysterically. When it came to be the man’s turn he laughed and said,”I wish all those people were ugly again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88q0m9/a_plane_full_of_ugly_people_crashes/
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The black and brown cows

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows produce a day?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or brown one?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Also grass.
Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: That’s also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88pp2r/the_black_and_brown_cows/
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Sexual exhaustion

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88pnjz/sexual_exhaustion/
%
What would you call Hitler if he lost an eye?

Htler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88pm5k/what_would_you_call_hitler_if_he_lost_an_eye/
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Jesus: "A table for 26, please."

"But you're only 13"
"Yes, but we're all going to sit on one side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88pjh9/jesus_a_table_for_26_please/
%
I asked my mom if by any chance I was adopted.

She replied: Why would we choose you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88pjdl/i_asked_my_mom_if_by_any_chance_i_was_adopted/
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Reddit should be called who's line is it anyway because

It's where everything is made up and the points don't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88pf6s/reddit_should_be_called_whos_line_is_it_anyway/
%
What's Mr T's favourite month?

April, Fools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88p9q2/whats_mr_ts_favourite_month/
%
Some Roman soldiers are sitting in a bar, exchanging stories

One of the soldiers tell the others:
"I had the easiest shift the other night, just had to make sure this dead guy didn't crawl out of his tomb- slept through the whole thing."
As the soldier finishes, Jesus walks into the bar.
"April fool's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88p6zh/some_roman_soldiers_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88p57k/i_started_carrying_a_knife_after_an_attempted/
%
Russians have developed a Viagra bomb.

It stops enemy troops from crawling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88p261/russians_have_developed_a_viagra_bomb/
%
I played monopoly once and landed on every spot on the board except for one...

I never stood a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88p22f/i_played_monopoly_once_and_landed_on_every_spot/
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An engineer wakes up one morning and goes downstairs.

He sees a note an the fridge from his wife. It read “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” He opened the fridge and discovered it was working just fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88p1yo/an_engineer_wakes_up_one_morning_and_goes/
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I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.

"How flexible are you?"
"I can't make tuesdays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88p1cz/i_asked_my_gym_instructor_if_he_could_teach_me_to/
%
I still remember my parrot’s last words...

“Shit, I think my bird is about to die!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88owr4/i_still_remember_my_parrots_last_words/
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He didn't avoid the subject of his erectile dysfunction,

it just never came up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ouxp/he_didnt_avoid_the_subject_of_his_erectile/
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Don’t shoot the piano player

A guy is looking for a job and sees a bar advertising for a piano player.
He goes in and says, “I play, and I’d like the job.”
The bar owner says, “Well, play me something so I can see what you’ve got.”
The guy sits down and plays beautifully.  The owner is moved.  “What do you call that?”
The guy says, “It’s something I wrote.  I call it Bone Me Hard and Call Me Nancy.”
“Whoa!” says the bar tender.  “You can’t say that in the bar!  Play one more”. The next one is even better.  “What’s that one called?” Says the bar tender.
I call that one, “Lick My Salty Ball Sack”, says the guy.  “Oh man!” says the bar tender.  “Look, you’re hired.  But you can’t tell people the names of your songs, ok? Come back tonight. “
The bar is loud when he starts to play, but his original songs are so wonderful that everyone stops talking.  People ask about the songs but he just shrugs.  Patrons are tearing up.  He plays for 45 minutes, then he says, “Folks, I’m gonna take a little break.  Be back in 2 minutes.”
He grabs a water, goes to the restroom, takes a leak and is hurrying back to the piano when someone says, “Hey Mister!  Do you know your dick’s hanging out of your pants?”
And without slowing down the piano player looks over his shoulder and says, ”Do I know it?  I wrote it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88osz7/dont_shoot_the_piano_player/
%
A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters...

He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality.
The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future.
The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical.
The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables.
After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception.
The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88oq9s/a_man_visits_a_wise_man_and_meets_his_three/
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal testicles?

Sparky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88oq9t/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_hind_legs_and/
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“Do you know what Easter is about?”

a man asks to a group of friends.
“Of course!” says the first friend, “It’s the one where the guy in the red suit goes down the chimney and-“
“No, not at all.”
A second friend chimes in, “Oh, I know this! It’s where you write cards to the ones you love and give chocolate hearts to-“
“Ugh, wrong again.”
A third friend steps up, “Obviously, it’s where kids dress is costumes and walk around the neighborhood and-“
“No!” he shouts, irritated.
The last friend quietly speaks, “I know this one..”
She better get this, he thinks.
“.. it’s how Jesus was put on the cross...”
He pauses a moment in disbelief, “yeah.”
“...and he dies on the cross...”
“Yes!”
“...and they put him in a hole and cover it with a rock...”
“Yeah!”
“...and they take off the rock...”
“Yes! Yes!!”
“...and Jesus comes out, and if he sees his shadow...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88omwm/do_you_know_what_easter_is_about/
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How did Jesus get so many followers?

His cross post was shared all over.
Ha!
Happy easter everybody!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88omsa/how_did_jesus_get_so_many_followers/
%
A cigarette after sex...

That's how I quit smoking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88omr6/a_cigarette_after_sex/
%
How do you transport a multi-celled organism?

Eukaryote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88olkg/how_do_you_transport_a_multicelled_organism/
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Once you go black...

... you’re a single mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ol4t/once_you_go_black/
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A little boy who sat next to a man on the bus, noticed the man had his collar on backwards.

The boy interrupted the man who was reading
a book and asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, "*I am a Father*"
Confused, the boy frained, "*My daddy never wears his collar like that*".
The priest looked up his book and answered, "*I
am the Father of many*"
The boy said, "*My dad has 3 sons and 4 daughters but still he doesn't wear his collar that way*"
The priest, getting impatient, replied aversely - "*I am the Father of hundreds!*" and resumed reading his book.
The little boy quietly pondered for a while, then
leaned over and said...
*"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ok04/a_little_boy_who_sat_next_to_a_man_on_the_bus/
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.

"I'll take a beer please, and one for the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ojwh/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_slab_of_asphalt/
%
A lonely orca is swimming in the arctic

Normally he doesn't venture this far north, but he figures there's nothing wrong with a longer swim into the frigid waters.
All of sudden he spots the most beautiful girl orca he's ever seen. Too long our poor protagonist has let opportunities pass him by, but not this time. So he gathers his courage and approaches his new crush.
Just as the she whale notices him, he realizes something dire... He hasn't gone to the surface for air in ages.
Abruptly, our orca swims straight up, as fast as he can. As he nears the surface he notices something he's not used to, the water is frozen above him. Desperate for air he braces himself, crashing through the solid water into the open air.
The girl orca, seeing all this, swims up to the lonely whale and asks him what that was all about. Panting, our orca tells his crush
"You're just so beautiful that you took my breath away... I just had to break the ice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ohhj/a_lonely_orca_is_swimming_in_the_arctic/
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My grade school math teacher once asked us what 280 x 18 was

I kept shouting "7!" but apparently we weren't on the topic of factorials yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ogfq/my_grade_school_math_teacher_once_asked_us_what/
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I got oral sex from a psychic yesterday.

It was mind blowing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ofnd/i_got_oral_sex_from_a_psychic_yesterday/
%
Did you hear about that old guy down the street? Apparently he likes his women how he likes his wine.

12 years old and in his basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88oby2/did_you_hear_about_that_old_guy_down_the_street/
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What do you call a pack of wild dogs that enjoy listening to Mozart?

a Wolfgang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88oad8/what_do_you_call_a_pack_of_wild_dogs_that_enjoy/
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Note to self...

When your girlfriend says “you can stick it anywhere you want”, that doesn’t include her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88o4h8/note_to_self/
%
The police officer inspected my drivers license carefully.

"Driver, I see you have a class 3 license that requires you to wear glasses whilst driving. I can't help but notice you are not wearing glasses."
"I've got contacts," I explained.
"I don't care who you know, driver," declared the officer. "You're under arrest."
:-P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88o17l/the_police_officer_inspected_my_drivers_license/
%
How does our solar system hold its pants up?

With an asteroid belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nwus/how_does_our_solar_system_hold_its_pants_up/
%
Visited my doctor today

He said I was a paranoid schizophrenic..
Well.. he didn't actually say it.. but WE KNEW he was thinking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nwi3/visited_my_doctor_today/
%
What do you get when you pour very hot water down a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nw60/what_do_you_get_when_you_pour_very_hot_water_down/
%
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $6,782 for anyway?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nvon/a_boy_asked_his_bitcoininvesting_dad_for_1/
%
A WWII veteran is telling some schoolchildren about his time as a fighter pilot

The children are enthralled by his storytelling, when he says: "And then out of the blue, came some Fokkers, right on my tail!"
The more immature kids begin giggling, at which point their teacher says "Now class, the Fokker was a type of German plane in the war."
The veteran replies; "That's true, ma'am, but that time the fuckers were Messerschmitts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nuy9/a_wwii_veteran_is_telling_some_schoolchildren/
%
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the road sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves a paw at the them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair
and adds a permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nudd/a_man_is_driving_along_a_highway_and_sees_a/
%
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:

"Mind if I say a word?"
She says: "Please do."
The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nsj2/a_man_goes_to_a_funeral_and_asks_the_widow/
%
What do you call a Nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nscg/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
Jesus was doing a crossword

But he got stuck on 2 across

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nm18/jesus_was_doing_a_crossword/
%
When does a race through Norway and Sweden end?

When you cross the Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nlzm/when_does_a_race_through_norway_and_sweden_end/
%
"Hey, check out that nice pair of tits," says the older man to the teenager beside him.

"What are the common and scientific names?"
"Baeolophus bicolor, or tufted titmouse" says the college student. "I love birdwatching, professor! Thanks for pointing those out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88njv2/hey_check_out_that_nice_pair_of_tits_says_the/
%
Someone I know was diagnosed as a psychopath.

He doesn't know how to feel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nj8b/someone_i_know_was_diagnosed_as_a_psychopath/
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Why did Amber Heard and Charlie Sheen's secret lovechild take his father's name instead of his mother's?

Because children should be sheen and not heard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nf96/why_did_amber_heard_and_charlie_sheens_secret/
%
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nf7k/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_lawyer_and_a/
%
I need to file a complaint about a hostile work environment

The elevator keeps telling me I’m going down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ne92/i_need_to_file_a_complaint_about_a_hostile_work/
%
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None… he fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ndv3/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
%
A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."

The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.
"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.
"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.
"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"
The man replies "50 cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nd4a/a_guy_runs_into_the_bar_and_says_quick_pour_me_5/
%
I miss the days when...

People didn’t live in the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nbuh/i_miss_the_days_when/
%
When Titanic came out, I went to the premiere wearing a iceberg costume

Needless to say, it was a smash hit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88nae7/when_titanic_came_out_i_went_to_the_premiere/
%
How to climb a ladder

Step 1.
Step 2.
Step 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88na9l/how_to_climb_a_ladder/
%
Guurl is that ass a rubiks cube?

Because I just wanna give up and say fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88n9by/guurl_is_that_ass_a_rubiks_cube/
%
My girlfriend dressed up as a cop, and told me she would arrest me for being great in bed.

Unfortunately, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88n928/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_cop_and_told_me_she/
%
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it.

It's spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88n7py/if_you_get_an_email_telling_you_that_you_can/
%
If i had a dollar....

....for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88n6of/if_i_had_a_dollar/
%
Why are black holes fascinating objects in the universe?

Once you go black, you never go back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88n6gc/why_are_black_holes_fascinating_objects_in_the/
%
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?”, responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88n6dq/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey_orders/
%
A muslim man is shot by a starting pistol.

Police say it is definitely race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88n53w/a_muslim_man_is_shot_by_a_starting_pistol/
%
There's a VERY easy way to leave every casino with a small fortune.

Go there with a large one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88mxwe/theres_a_very_easy_way_to_leave_every_casino_with/
%
A man is walking down Fifth Avenue in New York City.

He sees a long line of people who all appear to be anxiously waiting for something. Intrigued, he asks a woman in the line what she's waiting for.
"Apparently the President is in town raising money for his family's legal bills," she responds.
"Huh. That's got to be a lot of money. I'm surprised so many New Yorkers want to help, though."
"That's just it," she says. "He's charging a thousand dollars to punch him in the face."
"Wait. You're telling me I can punch Donald Trump in the face for only a thousand dollars?"
As the man practically runs toward Trump Tower, the woman calls out after him "Wait! You've got to get in line!"
Without slowing down, the man calls back over his shoulder:
"Screw the punchline, I'm gonna kick that asshole square in the nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88mwrf/a_man_is_walking_down_fifth_avenue_in_new_york/
%
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire.

The youngest cowboy says, “Last week, a mammoth bull gored 10 men on the range,  but I stepped in and wrestled the bull to the ground with nothing but my bare hands.”
Not wanting to be outdone, the second cowboy says, “That’s nothing. Last week, I was attacked by a ten foot rattler, but I caught it in mid-strike and ripped its head off with my teeth.”
The third cowboy just sat there silently, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88mtgy/three_cowboys_are_sitting_around_a_campfire/
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Don’t you hate it when people ask you a question just so they can answer it themselves?

Because I do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88mmmk/dont_you_hate_it_when_people_ask_you_a_question/
%
What do you call a flying Jew?

Smoke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88mii4/what_do_you_call_a_flying_jew/
%
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?

The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
(I feel like I should put a note here: this is not to mock religion... It's just a joke.  If this offends you please get a sense of humor.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88mhjl/did_you_know_the_first_easter_and_ther_first/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Only Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88mg2r/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
My computer beat me at chess...

but guess who won at kickboxing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88m5iu/my_computer_beat_me_at_chess/
%
Sad news for music lovers today....

Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88m1cg/sad_news_for_music_lovers_today/
%
I was thinking about getting into the business of homeopathy.

But the market was too diluted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88lzea/i_was_thinking_about_getting_into_the_business_of/
%
People of Reddit, are you all alright?

No. You are all all left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88lwxa/people_of_reddit_are_you_all_alright/
%
I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88lvep/i_bet_you_cant_name_a_useless_non_functioning/
%
How do red heads make love?

Gingerly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88lu92/how_do_red_heads_make_love/
%
My wife said I talked to much...

So I joined a support group, On-And-On Anon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88lo2j/my_wife_said_i_talked_to_much/
%
Two girls walk into a pub.

After a little while, the barman notices that the older one is actually transexual.
The transexual walks up to the bar and says in a deepish voice, "One chardonnay and a large guimess for my sis please."
She takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them up. A few rounds later... suddenly the power goes out and sparks fly out from behind the bar.
"QUICK, WE NEED TO REDUCE THE POWER IN THIS CIRCUIT BEFORE IT BLOWS!" Shouts the barman.
The sister jumps over the bar and before anyone could stop her, she plunges three fingers into the sparking fuse box.
The power returns and the situation is stable. The barman absolutely mind blown asks, "H... How... are you doing this and not dead right now!? Is it something to do with all the guiness you just drank?"
"No, not at all", replies the girl, "I'm just a trans' sister"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88lmpt/two_girls_walk_into_a_pub/
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My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88lm36/my_grandpa_returned_from_the_war_with_one_leg/
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My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him.

I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88lm0j/my_dads_dying_wish_was_to_have_his_family_around/
%
How do you inconspicuously annoy someone with a stupid joke?

I'm asking for a freind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88lfpk/how_do_you_inconspicuously_annoy_someone_with_a/
%
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding *hare-line*
(bad dum paa)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88lfp4/what_do_you_call_a_parade_of_rabbits_hopping/
%
Moses' Tea

How does Moses make his tea?
He brews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88lff3/moses_tea/
%
Give a man a plane ticket, and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane, and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88lema/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_hell_fly_for_a_day/
%
I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous.

“This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”
T. f., via Internet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ldwb/id_never_had_surgery_and_i_was_nervous/
%
Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb,

Mary had a little lamb and then she had some pork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ldty/mary_had_a_little_lamb_little_lamb_little_lamb/
%
I recently bought an IphoneX.My son accidentally dropped it and the screen shattered.Anyways i am doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old,cute,thin and not really tall!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88lavj/i_recently_bought_an_iphonexmy_son_accidentally/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88l5f8/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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Two blind pilots enter a plane..

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88l28f/two_blind_pilots_enter_a_plane/
%
Every naked person I see turns me on...

Said the shower head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88l1ky/every_naked_person_i_see_turns_me_on/
%
Finally going to refuel my car..

It's April Fuels Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88kvj4/finally_going_to_refuel_my_car/
%
Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfur, Sodium, and Phosphorus walk into a bar.

OH SNaP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88kuvk/oxygen_hydrogen_sulfur_sodium_and_phosphorus_walk/
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What kind of water does a feminist drink?

Fiji water, because it’s untouched by man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ktke/what_kind_of_water_does_a_feminist_drink/
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Did you know If you go into the bathroom at 3 am and scream bloody mary 3 times

Your mom will tell you to shut the f*ck up and go back to sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88kr6d/did_you_know_if_you_go_into_the_bathroom_at_3_am/
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What do you call a buffalo's 200th birthday?

His *bison*tennial!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88knjc/what_do_you_call_a_buffalos_200th_birthday/
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Before I get into Spring Break traffic, I cover my car in Mucinex...

It really thins out the congestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88kn4j/before_i_get_into_spring_break_traffic_i_cover_my/
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Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88kmcy/arguing_with_a_woman_is_like_reading_a_software/
%
What’s got 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88kkme/whats_got_2_legs_and_bleeds_a_lot/
%
There was once a boy born without a body

Fred was born with no limbs or abdomen, only a head.
He spent his days viewing the world from a window next to his bed, which was frankly more of an elongated pillow, as he didn’t need much more than that.
One starry and magical night, Fred’s father sat awake with his son, telling him about his own childhood full of joy, and how he wishes that things could be different and Fred would be able to roam te world freely.
It was at the moment that Fred said he wished so too, that he’d be able to get up one morning and be able to walk that a shooting star passed by the widow.
The next morning, Fred awoke to the feeling of his newfound feet and toes dangling over the edge of his pillow, and he screamed quite loudly. Stumbling along the way, he did his best to run as fast as his new legs could carry him, all the way out the door.
Having heard his son’s scream, the father follows in quick pursuit of him.
Fred continues running, and runs all the way out past the yard and into the street, where he is immediately hit by a car and dies.
Covered in his son’s blood splatter, with tears streaming down his face, the father says: Damn, I should’ve told him to quit while he was *ahead*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88kilg/there_was_once_a_boy_born_without_a_body/
%
Two nuns are told to paint a room.

However, as part of their assignment, the Mother Superior informs them that they must paint the entire room and not get a drop of paint on their habits.
After much debate, the two nuns decide that the best course of action would be to paint the room naked, and proceed to remove their habits, place them aside and cover them in plastic, and then paint the room.
As they work, there is a knock at the door. Surprised, one of the nuns asks, "Who is it?" A male voice responds "Blind man".
The nuns decide it would be easier to just let the man in rather than getting dressed, as the man is blind and wouldn't notice anyway.
One of the nuns goes and opens the door. As soon as it's open, the man says "Nice tits, sister. Now where do you want these blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88kg7l/two_nuns_are_told_to_paint_a_room/
%
Why did the man quit his job at the organic parsley farm?

They kept garnishing his paycheck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88kepx/why_did_the_man_quit_his_job_at_the_organic/
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Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic

because baggers can't be choosers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ke2u/grocery_store_workers_must_let_the_customer/
%
I stopped complaining about my insomnia

when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88kccl/i_stopped_complaining_about_my_insomnia/
%
I used to work at the donut factory but I quit

I was fed up with the hole business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88k7zb/i_used_to_work_at_the_donut_factory_but_i_quit/
%
I have the Award for Shoplifter of the Year!

I didn't win it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88k7jy/i_have_the_award_for_shoplifter_of_the_year/
%
Punctuation is very important

There's a Maypole dancer.
Theresa May, pole dancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88k5c1/punctuation_is_very_important/
%
My GF told me to “Turn off the light and stick it in my ass”

I guess I should’ve waited for the bulb to cool down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88k3yq/my_gf_told_me_to_turn_off_the_light_and_stick_it/
%
I'll say it once and I'll say it again.

It.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88k3hh/ill_say_it_once_and_ill_say_it_again/
%
A man is walking in Central park in New York....

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: - "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read in the newspapers:
Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!"
- "Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the morning: Brave American saves life of little girl."
- "But I am not an American!" says the man.
- "Oh, where are you from then?"
- "I am from Iraq".
So the next day newspapers reads "Dangerous Islamic terrorist kills innocent American dog in front of a little girl".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88jv6q/a_man_is_walking_in_central_park_in_new_york/
%
Mom: I don’t think you know what it means to thread a needle through cloth.

Child: Yeah. Sew?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88juyi/mom_i_dont_think_you_know_what_it_means_to_thread/
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What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blue berry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88jqtd/what_do_you_call_a_sad_strawberry/
%
A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'
Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared..
To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake..
After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'
The husband put down his drink and said - 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88jooh/a_husband_and_his_wife_were_always_fighting_each/
%
My wife has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh.

When I place my ear on it, I can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88jn8a/my_wife_has_a_tattoo_of_a_seashell_on_her_inner/
%
Did you hear about the guy who put on a clean pair of socks every day of the week?

By Friday he could hardly get his shoes on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88jmyj/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_put_on_a_clean/
%
Jared Fogle went from having a mild cholestrol problem

To a child molestrol problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88jl71/jared_fogle_went_from_having_a_mild_cholestrol/
%
I asked my lab partner if he has the sodium hypobromite

He said NaBrO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88jkbk/i_asked_my_lab_partner_if_he_has_the_sodium/
%
Only joke I actually know: as told to me by my uncle

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were flying a plane, and just before take off the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and says, "You know, I don't like you."
The Chinese man turns and says, "Well, why?"
The Jewish man tells him, "Because your people bombed pearl harbor."
The Chinese man tells him, "That's the Japanese you idiot! I'm Chinese."
The Jewish man waves his hand and says, "Japanese, Chinese, they're all the same."
A little bit later during the flight the Chinese man turns to the Jewish man and says, "You know, I don't like you."
The Jewish man asks, "Well why?"
The Chinese man tells him "Because your people sank the Titanic."
The Jewish man says, "That was an Iceberg you idiot!"
The Chinese man waves his hand and says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, they're all the same."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88jjtk/only_joke_i_actually_know_as_told_to_me_by_my/
%
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88jjpn/one_day_a_guy_dies_and_finds_himself_in_hell/
%
How are being in the Mafia and eating pussy the same?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88jj46/how_are_being_in_the_mafia_and_eating_pussy_the/
%
I took a programming class. I should have gotten a B-

But the instructor gave me a C++

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88jhm6/i_took_a_programming_class_i_should_have_gotten_a/
%
My girlfriend and i are so much alike

They’re both imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88jgog/my_girlfriend_and_i_are_so_much_alike/
%
My abs are like my girlfriend

I don't have a girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88jfot/my_abs_are_like_my_girlfriend/
%
My son told me I need to stop playing wonderwall on guitar

I said maybe..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ja3r/my_son_told_me_i_need_to_stop_playing_wonderwall/
%
What does a vegetarian science teacher study?

Cole's Law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ja0s/what_does_a_vegetarian_science_teacher_study/
%
I was thinking of dating this girl I met. She’s an marine biologist who works on a submarine.

But between you and me, I think she’s a little out of my league.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88j9mw/i_was_thinking_of_dating_this_girl_i_met_shes_an/
%
Quick before it starts...

A man comes home after a terrible day of golf, his worst ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer and slams it down text to him. He looks at her from the couch and says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute...”
The wife is furious. She yells at him, “You’ve been out golfing all day! Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore...”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88j7lt/quick_before_it_starts/
%
I finally decided to play Fortnite.

It's fun, but it gets boring after a couple of weeks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88j74o/i_finally_decided_to_play_fortnite/
%
So two windmills are standing in a field...

And then one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88j2qb/so_two_windmills_are_standing_in_a_field/
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A man named Ted is unable to put alcohol down.

His thirst for liquor is unquenchable. All he does every day is drink and drink. Rum, tequila, beer, vodka, he has it all. Doesn't matter how it tastes or looks; he'll down it.
At first it started out at a simple party at Dominc's place. His best bud, Bob, invited him so he couldn't say no. Plus there were cute girls there and he had to impress, so he had a little booze. He didn't even remember the night, but that's where he met his future wife Rebecca.
Even though originally it was a social thing Ted dug himself a pretty big hole. Now all he does is binge drink at the bar, binge drink at home while the game's on, and even binge drink while driving.
As his life spirals out of control he begins to become irritable. Grumpiness and rudeness become a norm. Little quips here and there. Calling people chubby, cutting in line, nothing harmless.
Then the anger set in. He can't control himself. He just builds up all that pent up rage. Eventually it comes to a point where he fights with his wife every day. Shouting matches are commonplace about trivial and mundane stupid things. Rebecca even has to yell unceremoniously that he's gonna be a father.
He often is wasted, not remembering the week before. He even misses his own child's birth because he was blacked out. After a particularly heated argument he storms off to his favorite pub, The Lion's Arm. The evening goes as usual until some drunkard put a hand him to steady himself. Ted mistakes it and slugs him as hard as he can. A brutal bar fight wrecks the place, and the police are called.
After a few miserable days in jail he's let out with a coming court date. His boss calls him to tell him he's fired. Even worse Rebecca is fed up and asks for a divorce. She kicks him out, and so he goes to his only friend left, Bob.
Bob at this point makes over 100k a year as a lawyer, has a hot, loving wife, and three kids.
Ted crashes for a few days until he sulks to Bob to watch the newest cop drama on the couch. After awhile he finally asks:
"You have an amazing life, you don't even drink anymore, do you?"
Bob lowers his head, turns, and replies:
"Of course I do, though I do it legally in moderation Ted."
Ted starts to tear up, and quietly speak out:
"I'm a dead beat dad who no one loves... who just nearly killed someone."
He pauses, wavering slightly.
"Man I can't put down the bottle and it's making me become the worst kind of person."
Bob takes a long deep sigh, frowns, and says:
"Don't be a dick Ted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88j0oj/a_man_named_ted_is_unable_to_put_alcohol_down/
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A man wanted to break up with his long-term girlfriend

Marcus decided to do this when they were going to have a dinner night with both of their parents.
When the night came, he cleared his throat before mustering up the courage to say,
"Angela, I believe that we need to break up. I'm sorry, but it just isn't working out between us anymore."
"How can you say that, Marcus?!" Angela replied. "Don't you remember everything that we went through together?!"
Angela then asks her father who's next to her, "Dad, when Marcus here was getting stressed-out from university, was I there for him?"
"Yes," he replied.
"And mom, when he had a hard time finding a job for the longest time, was I there for him?"
"Yes honey," the mother replied.
Angela then turned to Marcus' parents,
"Mrs. Fletcher, when Marcus got evicted from his apartment and had nowhere else to go, was I there for him?"
"Why yes, Angela. Yes you were."
"And Mr. Fletcher, when your son got in that accident and had a broken leg for months, was I there for him?"
Mr. Fletcher silently nodded.
"See?" Angela said to Marcus.
Marcus, completely shocked by her reply, turns to his father.
"Dad, what do you think?"
After pondering everything that had been said, the father replied,
"I think this woman is bad luck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ix79/a_man_wanted_to_break_up_with_his_longterm/
%
Eyelashes are meant to stop things getting in your eyes. But whenever you get something in your eye, it's usually an eyelash.

How eye-ronic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88iwsy/eyelashes_are_meant_to_stop_things_getting_in/
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What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ipj2/what_do_you_say_to_your_sister_when_shes_crying/
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A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school...

A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school he attends.
His parents try putting him in Jewish schools. Expelled.
His parents try putting him in public school. Expelled.
His parents try putting him in Montessori schools. Expelled.
His parents try putting him in Military schools. Expelled.
Finally, they decide to try a Catholic school. Lo and behold, not only does the kid not get expelled, but he winds up on the honor roll. Teachers say nothing but good things about him, and his marks have never been higher.
His parents ask, "we tried twenty different schools and nothing worked. Why are you flourishing at a Catholic school?"
The kid says, "Every classroom there has a statue of a guy nailed to the wall. When I saw what they did to him, I knew they weren't fucking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ip3h/a_jewish_kid_gets_kicked_out_of_every_school/
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I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88iocv/i_recently_found_out_my_mom_has_a_disturbing/
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What’s the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ioco/whats_the_difference_between_three_dicks_and_a/
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They say the real joke is in the comments

Come on now go ahead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ioas/they_say_the_real_joke_is_in_the_comments/
%
Why did the penguin cross the road?

Batman was chasing him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88in6l/why_did_the_penguin_cross_the_road/
%
My wife is like a dream.

She makes no sense, she is full of surprises and eventually she’s probably gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88in26/my_wife_is_like_a_dream/
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what happened to the elephant when it crossed the road?

It stepped on the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88imnz/what_happened_to_the_elephant_when_it_crossed_the/
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So Jesus walks into a restaurant with his disciples...

...and asks the maitrre'd for a table for 26.
"26? Is your whole party here sir?"  He replied.
"Oh yes"  said Jesus.
"But there are only 13 of you here" replied the maitrre'd.
"Well we always sit on the same side of the table"  said Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88imfz/so_jesus_walks_into_a_restaurant_with_his/
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Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88iipf/did_you_know_if_you_hold_your_ear_up_too_a/
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What do you call the line at a Vietnamese restaurant?

Pho queue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88igxr/what_do_you_call_the_line_at_a_vietnamese/
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Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'
'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'
'We do now, asshole!' shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88igi5/heisenberg_schroedinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car/
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A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?

” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.
A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”
“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88igby/a_dog_walks_into_a_butcher_shop_and_the_butcher/
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What was Jesus's favorite band?

Nine Inch Nails

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ifnf/what_was_jesuss_favorite_band/
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There was this guy who asked me, "how do I open this jar?!"

"Install the latest version of the Java Runtime Environment", I said. Silly guy, now he's all confused. People these days... SMH.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88iets/there_was_this_guy_who_asked_me_how_do_i_open/
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I heard Rick Astley will give you any movie from his Disney collection

Except Up. He's Never Gonna Give You Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88iebg/i_heard_rick_astley_will_give_you_any_movie_from/
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I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist here, but are we truly to believe that the Titanic sunk after being hit by an iceberg?! Do they think we're stupid fools!?

I've been throwing lettuce at the window for hours now and it hasn't even scratched, let alone put a hole in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88iajw/i_hate_to_sound_like_a_conspiracy_theorist_here/
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If you crossed a dog and a bear together, what would you get?

A dead dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88iagj/if_you_crossed_a_dog_and_a_bear_together_what/
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Why was Jupiter banned from competing in the planetary boxing match?

He took asteroids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88i844/why_was_jupiter_banned_from_competing_in_the/
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My uncle started a cult,

...And married twenty women. People are telling me it’s a terrible situation, but I think there’s a lot of nuance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88i2wn/my_uncle_started_a_cult/
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A question of chromosomes, don't ask him Y

A prince out for a ride in his carriage caught sight of a man who looked very much like him. He called the man over and asked him curiously,
“Tell me, was your mother ever in the service at the palace?”
Holding himself very straight, the commoner replied,
“No, your majesty. But my father was.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88i0gq/a_question_of_chromosomes_dont_ask_him_y/
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Scientists tested a frog.

They cut off its legs and said "jump!"
The frog didn't jump.
Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88hxwz/scientists_tested_a_frog/
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Drinking with Jesus

An Australian, an Irishman an Englishman and one other man was sitting in a bar.
They stared and stared, and looked again and realised it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, "Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles and says "yes I am"
The Irishman says to the bartender give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."
The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to him
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles and drinks.
The Englishman then says, "How d you do Sir and would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus.
This the bartender does, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles.
Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! g'day are you Jesus, or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a VB for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.
Later Jesus approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman andshakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of Oh my God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. The Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove", he exclaims, "The blood pressure I've had for years is gone. It's a Miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers."Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88hx93/drinking_with_jesus/
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There was once a kingdom known as Penisland

In this kingdom, your social status was decided by the length of your penis. A traveler went to the kingdom to see if this was true. As he walked toward the great palace, he saw the peasants and commoners around him. They had penises which wrapped around their waist twice and the tip still touched the ground. When he entered the palace, he saw the ministers. Their penises wrapped around their waist twice, around their legs twice and the tip still touched the ground. When he entered the throne room, a minister greeted him and told him the king was in the garden. The traveler went to the garden and saw the king looking up into the sky, flying a kite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88hv6t/there_was_once_a_kingdom_known_as_penisland/
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Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88hv4j/trump_obama_clinton_and_bush_decided_to_have_a/
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How come Miss Piggy hasn't thought about dating Porky Pig?

Because she's in a kermitted relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88hv46/how_come_miss_piggy_hasnt_thought_about_dating/
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i'm not addicted to cocaine

I just like the way it smells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88hri9/im_not_addicted_to_cocaine/
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What are the most musical letters of the alphabet?

P and O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88hnqb/what_are_the_most_musical_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards from the boat?

Because if they fall forward, they'll end up on the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88hjkb/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_from_the_boat/
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I've been thinking recently that unfaithful women are condemned way beyond proportion.

Begone, thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88hjj5/ive_been_thinking_recently_that_unfaithful_women/
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Gråtrunka is Swedish for crying whilst masturbating.

It’s a real tear jerker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88hhsz/gråtrunka_is_swedish_for_crying_whilst/
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I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal

Elon-gate would be really drawn out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88hhfh/i_hope_elon_musk_never_gets_into_a_scandal/
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What's long and hard that Polish brides get on their wedding day?

A surname.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88hdn1/whats_long_and_hard_that_polish_brides_get_on/
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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo

right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88hc55/a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo/
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How many feminists does it take to change a tyre?

Only one. Men can be feminists too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88hb3o/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_tyre/
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I like my coffee how I like my slaves

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88h7uj/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_slaves/
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Guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

The bartender asks why he looks so glum. "I've been searching everywhere for the legendary tower of knowledge, but it doesnt seem to exist." "Legendary tower of knowledge huh", asks the bartender, "I've never heard of anything like that, what it supposed to be?" "Well, it's supposed to be like a bible of jokes", replies the guy, "I want to be funnier, and this tower place is definitely the answer". "Where have you looked so far?" asks the bartender. Well, it started off this morning when I was hit by a bus. I actually died and wound up in heaven! I waited in a queue with three nuns who had to cleanse their sins in holy water. The first one said she once saw a penis, so she washed her eyes in it. The third one rushed to the front saying she'd better gargle it now before the second nun puts her ass in it. It was St Peter who told me to find the legendary tower of knowledge... Before I knew it, I was pulled back to earth. I knew then I had to find this tower, so I stood up and got on the bus that had hit me. The bus driver apologised and said he could make it up to me, but I didn't fancy meeting him in the cemetery at night time; sounded a bit rapey. So I sat at the back of the bus and asked a hippie and a hot nun if they knew of the tower, but noone knew. I got off the bus and picked up my nephew, Johnny, from school. He ran up to me shouting, "Uncle I've been blessed with an 8 inch penis." "I doubt it Johnny", I replied. He said, "I was, but the priest's been taken to jail now". While at the school I checked their library to see if there were any books about this tower. When I got there a guy was ordering fish and chips. The librarian told him that its a library, so he whispered, *fish and chips please*. I couldn't find anything about the tower but I did see a frog telling a chicken with three books that he'd "reddit, reddit, reddit". I left the library and crossed the playground with a chicken who wanted to get to the other slide. I asked the chicken if he knew anything about the tower and he told me that "Yo momma's so fat, when she fell over I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up." I went to my dad's house to see if he knew. I got to his door and knocked twice. He said, "who's there" and I replied "dad?" He said, "No you're not, I'm dad". So I left him to it and went to my doctors appointment. I said, doctor doctor, I died earlier today and I can't feel the left side of my body... He said, "it's ok, you're all right now." I left the doctors and came across a blonde lady piecing together something on the floor. She asked me to help her with her rooster puzzle, but all I could see was a spilt box of cornflakes. I figured she wouldnt be able to help, so moved on. I went past a tattoo parlour and walked in. A guy was getting $100 tattooed on his penis. I asked him why and he said $100 is all his wife blows these days. Finally I walked past this street performer being watched by an Englishman, a French man, a Spaniard and a German. He noticed they couldn't see him so he stood on a wooden crate and asked if they could see him now. They replied "yes" "oui" "si" "ja". Then I entered this bar as a burger walked out, apparently you don't serve food here? "Have you tried looking on reddit?" says the bartender, "try r/jokes, seems appropriate... " The guy whips out his phone, logs onto reddit and asks around on r/jokes if anyone knows about the tower. Eventually he comes across THIS post and realises it's a story about him! He asks about it in the comments and OP responds, saying, "Dude, it seems you've found what you're looking for. It's not a legendary tower of knowledge, It's an epic wall of text!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88h6ij/guy_walks_into_a_bar_sits_down_and_orders_a_beer/
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Every time I come up with a new metaphor it makes me sneeze.

It really sets off my analogies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88h3m0/every_time_i_come_up_with_a_new_metaphor_it_makes/
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I inherited my great grandad’s underwear...

They were fruit of the heirloom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88h0zx/i_inherited_my_great_grandads_underwear/
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Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.”

Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88h0pw/me_when_i_donate_blood_i_do_not_extract_it_myself/
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Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88h0d0/late_one_night_a_mugger_wearing_a_ski_mask_jumped/
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What did the Maori say to the Israelite?

Hebrew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gz3j/what_did_the_maori_say_to_the_israelite/
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I was hit with a can of soda yesterday.

I'm alright now, luckily it was only a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gz18/i_was_hit_with_a_can_of_soda_yesterday/
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Robots dont have genders.

They're Non-Binary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gvan/robots_dont_have_genders/
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What's Arnold Schwarzenegger's favourite holiday?

"Have to love Easter, baby!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gsqz/whats_arnold_schwarzeneggers_favourite_holiday/
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[Long] Little Johnny lives in the orphanage and it's coming up to his 18th birthday. (nsfw)

He's never been adopted because he's a bit of a lunatic.
However all through his life the nun's who live in the orphanage have looked after him. All of his birthdays and all Christmases they've given him what he wanted.
A few days before his 18th birthday one of the nuns apporaches Johnny and asks what he wants for his birthday.
"I want a car" he quickly replies.
"Now you know you can't have that Johnny, you don't have a licence and you can't drive"
He's having none of it though. So one of the nuns comes up with a brilliant idea and suggests they get him one of the toy electric cars for kids and reckons he won't know any better.
So they leave that outside the door of his bedroom on the morning of his birthday and he's delighted with life, it's the best thing in the world. For weeks he's flying around the corridors of the orphanage.
One day one of the nuns decides to have a bit of fun and pretends to be a police officer. "STOP JOHNNY, PULL OVER".
Johnny slowly stops the car and the nun approaches, "Johnny, have you got your car insured.".
Johnny looks all flustered and pulls a candy wrapper from his pocket and hands it to the nun.
"Ah brilliant!" she says and sends him on his way.
The next day comes around and the same nun stands in the corridor pretending to a police officer, "JOHNNY PULL OVER, do you have a licence".
Johnny proceeds to pull out the same empty candy wrapper and once again the nun sends him on his way.
On the third day however Johnny is flying around the corridors and turns one of the corners. He looks down and he sees Father O'Brien standing at the end of the corridor with his trousers around his ankles and his cock in his hands. Johnny immediately swings the car around and screams, "Fuck off Father! Not the breathalyser again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gs1k/long_little_johnny_lives_in_the_orphanage_and_its/
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Historians have discovered that human rights activist Malcolm X was actually just called Malcolm

He was rather affectionate at the end of his text messages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88grad/historians_have_discovered_that_human_rights/
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My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint.

He is now high on my list of priorities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gpn1/my_stoner_friend_used_my_daily_agenda_notebook_to/
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So, finally my wife and I decided not to have kids.

The kids are taking it pretty hard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gmpn/so_finally_my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
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A taxi driver picks up a woman from the airport who sits in the back as a passenger

The woman wanted to ask a question so she leans forward and taps the driver’s shoulder to get his attention.
The driver gets startled so bad that he loses control of the cab, nearly hits a bus, swerves to barely dodge a light pole and finally halts near a glass bus stand.
The woman and driver both horrified stay paused for a few seconds then regain their mentality. The woman quietly says “Oh my god, I’m so sorry I didn’t think you would be startled like that”, the driver looks back and says “it’s okay, I’m actually the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. For the past 25 years I’ve been driving a hearse”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gig8/a_taxi_driver_picks_up_a_woman_from_the_airport/
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So a priest, an imam, and a rabbi find a bag of money laying on the ground

They all decide that they should take but can’t decide how much to give to god and how much to keep for themselves.
The priest says”We should draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air, whatever lands inside the circle goes to god and whatever lands outside goes to us”
The imam says “No we should throw it in the air and whatever lands in the circle goes to us and whatever lands outside goes to god”
The rabbi chimes in smugly and says “How about we throw the money in the air and let god takes what he wants?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gia0/so_a_priest_an_imam_and_a_rabbi_find_a_bag_of/
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Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

Because they can't C#!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ghx1/why_do_java_programmers_wear_glasses/
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John and Lorraine were inseparable.

They played together, went to school together, ate together, grew up together, argued with each other, made up with each other, and then eventually, they married each other.
One day at work, John meets a new coworker, Samantha Cleary -- she didn't like being called Samantha or Sam, so she went by her last name, Cleary.
John thinks, *She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.* John feels weird. He knows that he should feel this way about only Lorraine. However, he and Cleary really click, and he ends up having feelings for Cleary.
However, John wants to remain faithful to his lifelong partner, Lorraine, so he starts to keep Cleary at a distance. He also becomes more loving toward Lorraine because of this. They're happier than ever.
But several years go by, and on one tragic afternoon, Lorraine is hit by a car and killed. John is devastated. He took time off work, he grieved, and Lorraine was buried.
At the end of it all, John still holds Lorraine close to his heart, and at the same time, he knows that everything will get better with time.
One morning while getting ready for work, John looks out the window with a bittersweet smile and thinks,*I can see Cleary now Lorraine is gone.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ggdn/john_and_lorraine_were_inseparable/
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A soldier ran up to a nun

. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the two polices ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gfo6/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
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I hold prejudices against people with certain blod types.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gdpv/i_hold_prejudices_against_people_with_certain/
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I couldn't decide whether to get my nephew a toy or a pet for his first birthday.

Ended up buying him a rattlesnake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gcmr/i_couldnt_decide_whether_to_get_my_nephew_a_toy/
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It's ridiculous that Pornhub has a share button for Google+.

I mean, why would I ever let anyone know I have a Google+ account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gcc9/its_ridiculous_that_pornhub_has_a_share_button/
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Earlier today I told my Christian friend to “Have a Good Friday.” He didn’t catch my pun.

I’m not surprised. Jokes like this usually Pass Over his head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gcbr/earlier_today_i_told_my_christian_friend_to_have/
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Why is the right side of the body more important than the left?

Because if you're missing your left side you'll still be all right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88gbus/why_is_the_right_side_of_the_body_more_important/
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What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
Happy Easter everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88g8id/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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The best Easter joke I heard

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."
"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.
He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question:
"What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks,
"Do YOU know what Easter is"?
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued...
"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88g79s/the_best_easter_joke_i_heard/
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I went to Coles to buy a cabbage but apparently it’s a legal requirement to buy mayonnaise and carrots too.

It’s Coles Law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88g52h/i_went_to_coles_to_buy_a_cabbage_but_apparently/
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My girlfriend is a pornstar

She’s gonna kill me if she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88g51h/my_girlfriend_is_a_pornstar/
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Hitler asked a fortune teller what day he would die

The fortune teller assures him he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you sure of that” he asked. “Any day” she replies “you die will be a Jewish holiday”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88g49e/hitler_asked_a_fortune_teller_what_day_he_would/
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My wife was a good house keeper

She kept the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88g3gu/my_wife_was_a_good_house_keeper/
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did you hear the deaf kids favorite joke?

he didn’t, so why should you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88g2yn/did_you_hear_the_deaf_kids_favorite_joke/
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I broke into a science lab and made some toast. Eating it made me really sick…

I guess I’m just lab-toast-intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88fw50/i_broke_into_a_science_lab_and_made_some_toast/
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The smell of rain

Every loves the smell of rain. So fresh, so clean. But in actuality you can’t actually smell rain. What you smell is the world around you.
Way back in the day humans used to have to actually hunt their food. So if you were chasing down a deer and it started to rain you could easily lose the scent. So humans evolved to smell better in the rain.
And that is why your farts smell worse in the shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88fuwt/the_smell_of_rain/
%
I masturbate with a protractor.

It’s the best. Trust me I’ve cum at this from every angle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88fs1w/i_masturbate_with_a_protractor/
%
Why did 10 die?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88fp84/why_did_10_die/
%
What’s the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne waits until puberty to come on a kid’s face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88fn4o/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
%
Which side of the dog has more Hair?

The outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88fmqq/which_side_of_the_dog_has_more_hair/
%
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88fldl/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
%
What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common?

I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88fksg/what_do_apple_and_donald_trump_have_in_common/
%
Me: “Thank you for that glass of milk earlier”

Sperm bank employee: “What glass of milk”
Me: “The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk”
Sperm bank employee: “Oh my god”
Me: “What?”
Sperm bank employee: “You drank my glass of milk!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88fjer/me_thank_you_for_that_glass_of_milk_earlier/
%
Jared Fogle was sentenced to 16 years in prison

He told the jury that he was happy with anything under 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88fj6g/jared_fogle_was_sentenced_to_16_years_in_prison/
%
What did the DJ say to the farmer?

Lettuce, turnip, the beet.
I know, it was corny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ff7o/what_did_the_dj_say_to_the_farmer/
%
What do they call a baby shower in Japan?

A Bukkake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88fdtm/what_do_they_call_a_baby_shower_in_japan/
%
Why were Native Americans here first?

They had reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88fcjd/why_were_native_americans_here_first/
%
I’ve just invented a new drink.

It’s has Irish whiskey, German schnapps, French cognac, English beer, and American bourbon.
I call it the Titonic.
While it sounds strange, add ice and it goes down quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88f9jl/ive_just_invented_a_new_drink/
%
I hate spelling errors

You mess up 2 letters and your whole post is urined!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88f5q5/i_hate_spelling_errors/
%
I want to name my son Orange.

That way, the other kids at school won't know how to make fun of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88f41a/i_want_to_name_my_son_orange/
%
Invisible Man

Why did the Invisible Man turn down the job offer?
Because he couldn't see himself doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88f2cs/invisible_man/
%
The best way to tell if you’re in California

Is to look up at the sun, and see if there is a “may cause cancer” warning label on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88f08n/the_best_way_to_tell_if_youre_in_california/
%
A dad says to his son “Son if you don’t stop masturbating you’ll go blind”

The son replies “Dad I’m over here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ezyj/a_dad_says_to_his_son_son_if_you_dont_stop/
%
Exactly a Year to the Day

my girlfriend agreed to have annual sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88eyaj/exactly_a_year_to_the_day/
%
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ey4l/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_knows_where_her/
%
What did one redditor say to the other?

Redditor #1: Did u read the rules?
Redditor #2: yeah.... *I reddit*
(fuck off yeah?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ex5f/what_did_one_redditor_say_to_the_other/
%
What do you call a criminal going downstairs?

Condescending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88eul1/what_do_you_call_a_criminal_going_downstairs/
%
Hey dad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?

"Because a rose petal fell on her head when she was a baby, dear son," replied the Dad.
"Oh, thanks for telling me Dad!"
"No problem, Toaster Oven."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88eucr/hey_dad_why_did_you_and_mom_name_my_sister_rose/
%
I asked an attractive geologist if she wanted to go on a date this weekend but she told me that she doesn't date...

she quartz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88eu2k/i_asked_an_attractive_geologist_if_she_wanted_to/
%
What sex position are you not allowed to use in the south?

Reverse cowgirl, you never turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88erkj/what_sex_position_are_you_not_allowed_to_use_in/
%
I caught a cold on a carousel.

I think there was something going around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88eqkn/i_caught_a_cold_on_a_carousel/
%
My girlfriend told me a small penis was no big deal.

I still wish she didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ensj/my_girlfriend_told_me_a_small_penis_was_no_big/
%
A man goes to see a psychiatrist

The man walks into the psychiatrist’s office and sits down. The man says, “Sir I’ve been having an identity chrisis.”
The psychiatrist responded, “Tell me about your emotions, what you’ve been feeling lately.”
“I’ve been confused, I see my name everywhere. It’s like everyone knows me, but doesn’t...”
“Where do you see your name?”
“Everyday I’m on r/jokes. I look at the front page and my name is always in the comments. Always! The commenters think I’m someone else every time. They compare me to the weirdest people, men and women alike.”
“Well sir, I checked your records recently to see any other symptoms of this ‘identity crisis’ you’ve been having and I saw you’ve been quite popular on r/jokes. Tell me more about this.”
“Well that’s the issue! Everyone knows me, but never personally, except one man...”
“Well that seems like an interesting story you could tell me more about, next appointment.” The psychiatrist checks his watch. “Well it seems we’re just out of time.”
Just before the man leaves the psychiatrist quickly asks, “I never learned your profession. What is it?”
The man responds “Well, I’m a bus driver...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88emmn/a_man_goes_to_see_a_psychiatrist/
%
What do you call a caterpillar with a phone?

A Walkie Talkie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88em6d/what_do_you_call_a_caterpillar_with_a_phone/
%
The Redditor Named Jock

After years of intense research, Jock had figured out a cure to every illness and disease known to man, mainly using Reddit as his go-to website.
Throughout his research, Jock had only confided in one person, his trustworthy PA. Because of this, Jock had never been acknowledged for his work, and nobody knew who he was.
After completing his research, he tells his PA he’d like her to make a grand announcement at the International Medicine Awards. The plan was for Jock to sit in the audience and be called up to the stage, where he would then unveil his findings and vast knowledge for the world to see.
So the time comes, his PA, a regular speaker at this event just finished making her usual annual announcements. Then she says, looking into the audience;
“Now I’m not sure if he is here tonight, but could Jock please join me on stage”
When she says this, 4 people proceed to stand up, and walk up onto the stage. Confused, the PA sees that she does not work for any of these Jock’s. But then, looking down she realises...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88eise/the_redditor_named_jock/
%
There was a young man who was obsessed with tractors as long as he could remember...

When the “World’s Biggest Tractor” was going to be displayed at the county fair, he knew he had to go. He saved up some money, drove to the event, and was first in line to see the tractor up close.
As he was examining the wheels, the tractor ended up lurching forward, pinning his legs as he tried to run away. It took a while for the tractor to be moved, so while the paramedics waited to treat him, the young man started chatting with one of the female paramedics, who he was immediately falling for.
After the tractor was finally moved, he stayed a few days in the hospital to recover and make sure everything was okay. The female paramedic visited a few times, and he finally got up the guts to ask her out. To his delight, she said yes.
Once he was recovered, he picked her up to take her to dinner at a nice restaurant. Since this was the 90’s, when they arrived, the hostess asked them if they preferred to sit in the Smoking or Non-Smoking section. Neither of them smoked, so they chose the Non-Smoking section.
Halfway through their appetizers, the woman’s eyes were watering and she was having a difficult time breathing. The Smoking section nearby had a lot of heavy smokers, and she was sensitive to the smoke. She decided to come clean and tell the young man she was bothered by it. “Listen, I’m having a really good time, but I can’t tolerate the smoke. Could we reschedule?”
Suddenly, he opened his mouth while and took a really deep breath, inhaling all of the smoke in the restaurant, swallowed, and closed his mouth. The restaurant’s air was smoke-free.
The woman stared at him, dumbfounded, and finally found the semblance to ask him, “What the hell was that!?”
“What?”, he asked. “Didn’t I tell you I’m an ex-tractor fan?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88eiaq/there_was_a_young_man_who_was_obsessed_with/
%
How many suh dudes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already lit fam, a suh dude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88egz0/how_many_suh_dudes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88eeje/what_is_the_difference_between_an_oral/
%
A middle-aged woman still lives with her parents

Her mother was walking by her room and heard from inside "buuzzzzzzzz zzzzz bzzzzz." She opened the door to see her daughter laying on the bed playing her "toy" and yelled "what is going on in here?!" Her daughter replied "mom, I'm 40 years old,  still live with my parents, this is the closest thing I'll have to a husband. Leave me alone!"
Later that week,  the father was walking by his daughter's room and heard from inside the same "buuzzzzzzzz zzzzz bzzzzz." He opened the door and asked "what's going on here??" Again,  she says, "I'm 40 years old,  still live with my parents, this is the closest thing I'll ever have to a husband. Leave me alone!"
The next Sunday, the mom is in the kitchen making dinner and dad is watching tv.  Mom hears that "buzz zzzzz bzzzzz" rattling on the coffee table in the living room, storms in and asks the dad,  "what the hell is going on in here??" The dad screamed back, "I'm just watching the game with my son-in-law, leave us alone!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88eeg5/a_middleaged_woman_still_lives_with_her_parents/
%
I saw Frankenstein walk into a body-building competition

He took the name of the competition way too seriously!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88edp7/i_saw_frankenstein_walk_into_a_bodybuilding/
%
Restaurant contest

Last weekend I went to one of those restaurants where you can see into the kitchen, it was at that weird time between lunch and dinner and the place was quite empty. I could see there was some kind of contest going on between some of the staff.
First I saw one of the waitresses hold up an inch thick bit of sirloin with her arms stretched above her head to a modest smattering of applause.
Next there was a stunned gasp as the sous chef turned a couple of buckets upside down, mounted them and raised a similarly cut bit of rump above his head.
Finally there were loud "whoop"s as the head chef climbed the ladder of a visiting contractor and held a piece of fillet aloft. On descending this man was judged victorious. A few pound notes changed hands and everyone went back to work.
I'm not sure how much people had bet, but the steaks looked pretty high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ebiy/restaurant_contest/
%
V



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88e6fx/v/
%
Why couldn't the blood invest in Bitcoin?

It's a Cryptocurrency. Now give me karma my wife left me, I lost custody of my kids and I just lost my job. I'm about one more thing from snapping, for the love of fucking god upvote this damn post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88e6cg/why_couldnt_the_blood_invest_in_bitcoin/
%
How do you know if Trump's cat is lying?

Fake mews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88e147/how_do_you_know_if_trumps_cat_is_lying/
%
Never Invest in the Velcro industry.

Its a complete ripoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88e0k6/never_invest_in_the_velcro_industry/
%
I'm eating Himalayan deer for dinner tonight.

On account I found Himalayan on the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88dz8d/im_eating_himalayan_deer_for_dinner_tonight/
%
The doctor tells me that she has some good news and some bad news . . .

"The good news," she says, "is that you have 24 hours to live!"
I yell back, "THE *GOOD* NEWS IS THAT I HAVE 24 HOURS TO LIVE!?!?!?!? What the Hell could the bad news be???"
"I forgot to call you yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88dy9b/the_doctor_tells_me_that_she_has_some_good_news/
%
Why does Matthew McConaughey only watch NASCAR in a mirror?

So the turns are all right all right all right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88dy4p/why_does_matthew_mcconaughey_only_watch_nascar_in/
%
What is the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88dwz8/what_is_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
When I brought home my first straight A report card,

my mom said something that brought tears to my eyes. She said: "Timmy, your dad and I are getting a divorce."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88dvzg/when_i_brought_home_my_first_straight_a_report/
%
There was a beaver god, named Buck...

Buck owned a store that sold houses to other beaver gods. Buck was very picky about who can and can't come into the store, so he stood by the door every day to make sure that only beaver gods came in.
One day, dog god named Susan walked into the store with her pet donkey, Harry. Susan always gave Harry too much to eat, so Harry was very heavy for a donkey his size.
Infuriated that someone other than a beaver god would come into his store that sold houses specifically to beaver gods, Buck walked over to the dog and said...
"Listen here, bitch. You need to take your fat ass and get out of my god dam store."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88dmbb/there_was_a_beaver_god_named_buck/
%
Oscar Wilde once said you can never be overdressed

Clearly he never showed up to an orgy in a clown suit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88dh6n/oscar_wilde_once_said_you_can_never_be_overdressed/
%
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

At the end of the day, the prostitute can wash their crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88df65/what_is_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and/
%
Why didn't the Eskimo rub noses with his non-Eskimo girlfriend?

She just wasn't Inuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88dbwt/why_didnt_the_eskimo_rub_noses_with_his_noneskimo/
%
Every ATM I went to today gave me a receipt that said “Not enough funds.”

The bank really needs to get their life together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88dae3/every_atm_i_went_to_today_gave_me_a_receipt_that/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88d8v7/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
I read an article that said "there have been no reported glueten allergies in the state of West Virginia"

I thought it was inbred?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88d54g/i_read_an_article_that_said_there_have_been_no/
%
To be Frank...

...I would have to change my name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88d1am/to_be_frank/
%
I was sleeping round at my girlfriend's house and her dad said we couldn't sleep in the same bed

It was a real shame, I thought he was quite handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88d0kr/i_was_sleeping_round_at_my_girlfriends_house_and/
%
So a man crashes his plane onto a deserted island...

After a while of being alone the man begins to grow incredibly horny. He spots a donkey off in the distance and decides to go for it. The donkey isn’t having any of it and quickly evades the man. Years go by and he still just can’t catch the damn donkey. One day an unconscious woman washes up on the shore, so the man quickly runs up and gives her mouth to mouth. The woman jumps up and says “oh my god, you saved my life. I’d do anything to repay you.” The man turns to her and exclaims “oh thank fuck! Can you please hold this donkey still for me?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88czwf/so_a_man_crashes_his_plane_onto_a_deserted_island/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but how the hell did they get in there?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88cymh/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Cellmate: what are you in here for?

Me: (snuggling) my bunk is cold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88cu6m/cellmate_what_are_you_in_here_for/
%
Monk key

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88cu4s/monk_key/
%
What's a skeleton in a closet?

A hide and seek winner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88crfe/whats_a_skeleton_in_a_closet/
%
Sex without condoms is magical...

A baby appears and father disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88cqkh/sex_without_condoms_is_magical/
%
How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the world around him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88cpbu/how_many_harvard_students_does_it_take_to_change/
%
Someone stole my flashlight.

I'm not annoyed, but delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88clui/someone_stole_my_flashlight/
%
I put a new bumper sticker on my car that says, "Honk if you think I'm sexy”

I love to sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ckr9/i_put_a_new_bumper_sticker_on_my_car_that_says/
%
Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88cklq/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
%
Clem goes hunting.

Clem decided to take his annual hunting trip up near the Great Smokey Mountains around the borders of North Carolina, Tennessee and Georgia. He had been out most of the day small game hunting when he came across a Game Warden.
The Game Warden walks up to Clem, points to his game bag and says, "What ya got there son?" Clem says, "Got me some small game for supper."
The Game Warden grabs Clem's bag, looks inside and sees some possum, squirrel and rabbit. He grabs a possum, sticks his finger up it's ass, sniffs it and says, "This here possum is from Georgia, you got a Georgia huntin' license son?" Clem says, "Yessir" and hands over his Georgia hunting license.
The Game Warden then grabbed a squirrel, stuck a finger up it's ass, sniffs it and says, "This here squirrel is from North Carolina. You got a North Carolina hunting license son?" Clem says, "Yessir" and hands it over.
The Game Warden then grabs a rabbit, sticks a finger in its' butt, sniffs and says, "This here rabbit is from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee huntin' license son?" Clem says, "Yessir" and hands it over. Everything seemed to be in order.
The Game Warden looks at Clem and says, "Where you from son"? Clem turns around, whips his pants down and says, "Why don't you tell me?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88cjec/clem_goes_hunting/
%
Accidentally mixed up my Viagra pills with my sleeping pills.

Ended up having 40 wanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ch5e/accidentally_mixed_up_my_viagra_pills_with_my/
%
"Hi, I'm here for Paradox Club."

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
"Ok, same difference."
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88cfyk/hi_im_here_for_paradox_club/
%
A French traveled to Spain

He passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. They were advertising that they served the balls of the bull who lost the bullfight.
Intrigued, the man went inside, only to find that there was a six-week waiting list to get to eat the loser’s balls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later.
When he got his meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on his plate. He called the waiter over to complain.
“I’ve waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?”
“Sir,” the waiter said, “the bull doesn’t always lose.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88cati/a_french_traveled_to_spain/
%
I have a question

If I make dad jokes without being a dad, does that make me a faux pa?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88caot/i_have_a_question/
%
I thought my date was joking when she told me she was obsessed with Monkees memorabilia.

Then I saw her place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88c7k8/i_thought_my_date_was_joking_when_she_told_me_she/
%
TIL - Last names came from our ancestors occupations

I feel really sorry for the Dickenson's.........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88bz54/til_last_names_came_from_our_ancestors_occupations/
%
Bar Handjob

A guy walks into a bar and is greeted by a female bartender. On the wall he sees a menu that reads:
- Cheese sandwich 1.50
- Hamburger 2.50
- Handjobs 10.00
Quickly, the man checks his wallet to see how much money he has.
He asks the bartender: "Are you the one who gives the handjobs around here?"
With a wink and a sexy smile she replies in a sultry voice "Why yes, I am."
The man says "Well, go and wash your hands because I'm ready for a cheese sandwich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88bywk/bar_handjob/
%
Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
Surgeon: "I know, I am"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88bv93/surgeon_stay_calm_john_its_just_a_little_cut_with/
%
How do you get an Irishman to stop drinking?

I could really use some help on this, I had a party two weeks ago and Sheamus is still here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88btrr/how_do_you_get_an_irishman_to_stop_drinking/
%
How many dogs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Dogs already light up the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88bszg/how_many_dogs_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
How do you drown a hipster?

Throw them in the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88bqbg/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
Big Data is like fire, but reversed.

At first it seemed a big technological advancement, now it is just some shit that scares people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88bq85/big_data_is_like_fire_but_reversed/
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Every time I fold laundry I contemplate becoming a nudist...

...then I remember what I look like naked and keep folding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88bonc/every_time_i_fold_laundry_i_contemplate_becoming/
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Olympic condoms (nsfw)

A boyfriend buys Olympic colored condoms, and tells his girlfriend it's because there are 3 colors Gold, Silver and Bronze. He tells her "tonight i think i'll wear the gold" she replied "i wish you would wear the silver one". "Why?" the boyfriend asks. "It would be great if you came second for a change!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88bl5j/olympic_condoms_nsfw/
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My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears, I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88bjn7/my_wife_sorted_out_some_clothes_she_no_longer/
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Derek, David, and Danny went out for a wild night on the town.

When they got back to the hotel, they found out that the elevator was out of service and that they were going to have to walk up 150 flights of stairs to reach their penthouse suite.
To pass the time, they decided Derek would tell jokes for the first 50 flights, David would tell happy stories for the next 50, and Danny would tell sad stories for the last 50.
So they went up the first 50 laughing the whole way. They went up the next 50 with their spirits bolstered and smiles on their faces. They went up the last 50 feeling sad and gloomy.
When they finally reached the top, Danny looked at his friends and told his last sad story. He said "Fellas... I left the room key in the lobby."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88bgfq/derek_david_and_danny_went_out_for_a_wild_night/
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What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88bg5g/what_do_you_call_two_monkeys_that_share_an_amazon/
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I never participated in sports...

But I still got atrophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88bex7/i_never_participated_in_sports/
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During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88be7a/during_world_war_ii_my_grandpa_singlehandedly/
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I've just made up a word...

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88bcn0/ive_just_made_up_a_word/
%
I'm taking Viagra for my sunburn

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88bck1/im_taking_viagra_for_my_sunburn/
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I removed the shell from my racing snail to help him go faster

If anything , it made him more sluggish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88b9qv/i_removed_the_shell_from_my_racing_snail_to_help/
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What is the difference between a comma and a cat?

One is a pause at the end of a clause, while the other has claws at the end of its paws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88b77i/what_is_the_difference_between_a_comma_and_a_cat/
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Have you guys heard the one about the vegan transgender?

He was a her-before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88b309/have_you_guys_heard_the_one_about_the_vegan/
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In the beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light!"

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88b2gj/in_the_beginning_there_was_nothing_god_said_let/
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My daughter is so proud of learning new words, she thinks she's a Russian autocrat....

She said,
"Daddy, I'm pootin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88b1w6/my_daughter_is_so_proud_of_learning_new_words_she/
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88b0x4/my_therapist_says_i_have_a_preoccupation_with/
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I have a fear of speed bumps...

But I am slowly getting over it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88b0cm/i_have_a_fear_of_speed_bumps/
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Jesus is on the cross..

..fading fast he yells to his disciple Paul.
"Paul come to me my child. Come to me!"
Paul musters all his strength to break through the crowd.
"Yes my lord, I am coming to you"
Jesus continues to yell for Paul. Paul now crying falls at Jesus feet....
"Yes my lord!!!?"
"Paul, I can see your house from here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ayel/jesus_is_on_the_cross/
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I think I lost an electron

In fact, I'm positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88aw8x/i_think_i_lost_an_electron/
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Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four, it’d be a chicken sedan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88auw7/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_two_doors/
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What does Black Panther say when he sees something dumb?

Wakanda nonsense is this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88as27/what_does_black_panther_say_when_he_sees/
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My friend tried to convince me that he wasn't constipated, but I'm not buying it.

I think he's full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ar7g/my_friend_tried_to_convince_me_that_he_wasnt/
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What do you call a communist with a rifle?

A Marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88aqiz/what_do_you_call_a_communist_with_a_rifle/
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The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. Judge gave me 20 years. Problem Solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88aj5d/the_doctor_gave_me_4_months_to_live/
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Yesterday my neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you, I nearly shit her pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88ain9/yesterday_my_neighbor_came_at_me_really/
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered some birthday cake?

No thanks, I'm stuffed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88agnt/what_did_the_teddy_bear_say_when_it_was_offered/
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A man sees a pirate sitting a few bar stools down from him...

... the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch like a steroetypical pirate. The man is super curious but he simply nods hello and turns back to his beer. After another pint he summons the courage to turn and ask, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the wooden leg?"
"Oh, about ten years back I was hoistin' the mainsail and I slipped an' fell into the ocean, and a shark bit me leg off. I barely survived." The pirate responded without turning.
"Wow, sorry to hear that..." the man sheepishly replies and turns back to his beer. Another beer in, he turns back and asks, "What about the hook, how did you lose your hand?".
"Our ship was boarded by a fierce crew of rival pirates and a sword fight broke out. I was swashbuckling a filthy bilge rat from the other ship and he cut me hand clear off. I then ran him through. I got the hook the next time we were in port." was the pirate's  answer.
The man was now totally in awe of the life of this pirate sitting a few feet from him. "And the eye? How did you lose the eye?" was the man's next obvious question.
The pirate turned and looked at the man, "One day I was looking up into the blue sky of the open ocean, and a seagull took a shit right in my eye." The pirate pointed his hook at his eye patch.
A bit confused, the man replied, "And that caused you to lose the eye??".
"Well, it was my first day with the hook." said the pirate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88aejb/a_man_sees_a_pirate_sitting_a_few_bar_stools_down/
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Best country in the world

An American, Chinese man, Englishman and Australian are sitting at a bar, arguing who has the best country in the world.
American: Sorry partners but we've got the best country in the world because we've got the greenest grass.
Chinese man: I don't about you three but we've got the best country in the world because we have the best wall.
Englishman: Sorry chaps, but we've got the best country in the world because we have the best flag.
Australian: Sorry mates, but we've got the best country because we have the kangaroo.
American, Chinese man and Englishman: What's a kangaroo?
Australian: Well, it jumps over your wall, shits on your grass and wipes its arse with the flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88aba2/best_country_in_the_world/
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What did the ocean say to the sea?

Nothing. It just waved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88a9qx/what_did_the_ocean_say_to_the_sea/
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A woman walks into a library

and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
Librarian: "They're right behind you!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88a72k/a_woman_walks_into_a_library/
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How is a flock of geese like an airplane full of encyclopedias?

They're flying in-formation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88a6n6/how_is_a_flock_of_geese_like_an_airplane_full_of/
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A grizzled old sea captain decided to test one of his recent recruits.

“Let’s say you see a storm heading your way off the starboard side. What would you do?”
“I would throw out an anchor, sir,” said the deckhand confidently.
“All right,” said the captain. “Then let’s say a second storm was coming in from your port side. Then what would you do?”
The deckhand answered, “I’d throw out another anchor, Captain.”
“But what if another storm was coming in on your bow?”
“Throw out another anchor, Captain!”
“Look behind you!” yelled the captain, “Now there’s a fourth storm coming up from the aft! What would you do?”
“Throw out another anchor, sir!”
“Wait a minute,” said the captain. “Exactly where are you getting all these anchors from?”
“The same place you’re getting all those storms from, sir.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88a59i/a_grizzled_old_sea_captain_decided_to_test_one_of/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend............

He wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88a4tb/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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The E.U has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country after Brexit.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88a23b/the_eu_has_said_that_scotland_could_end_up_as_a/
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A woman finds out that whenever she had sex with her Husband, he used a dildo on her, she screamed at him, explain the dildo you bastard.

He calmly replied, explain the kids Bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88a0w1/a_woman_finds_out_that_whenever_she_had_sex_with/
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My wife took off her clothes last night and said,

"what turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
I said, "your sense of humour"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88a0mp/my_wife_took_off_her_clothes_last_night_and_said/
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On a continent far far away..

There's a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy and prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has it's fair share of wealth and power too. The third kingdom is struggling and poor and barely has an army.
The kingdoms eventually go to war over the control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor, each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 of their best knights, with fine leather armor and few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only warrior, an elderly Knight who has long since passed his prime, with his personal squire.
The night before the battle, the knights of the first kingdom make merry and party late into the night. The knights of the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of mead, and drink late into the night as well.
In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the Knight.
The following morning, the knights of the first two kingdoms are too hungover to fight, and the Knight of the third kingdom is too old and weary to get up. So, in place of the knights the squires go into battle. The fight lasts long into the night, and as the dust settled only one squire was left standing, the squire from the third kingdom.
And it just goes to show that the squire of the high pot in noose is equal to the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/889zx0/on_a_continent_far_far_away/
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Marriage can change a person.

For example, my other half went from dick taker to dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/889wgx/marriage_can_change_a_person/
%
Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons...

If they acquire my parent’s divorce, they will own my entire childhood...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/889umk/disney_now_owns_star_wars_marvel_indiana_jones/
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Two Arab guys get on a plane

One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off an Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”
“No problem,” said the Israeli, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said,
“That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it too.
The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our people…this hatred…this animosity…this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/889sun/two_arab_guys_get_on_a_plane/
%
Police officer approaches a drunk man urinating on the street late at night and said.

"Sir, you'll have to accompany me to the police station" the drunk guy responded with a grunt "Jeez! You became a police officer, and still afraid of walking in the dark? Okay I'll walk you home, but don't tell anyone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/889s9a/police_officer_approaches_a_drunk_man_urinating/
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Three guys go to a ski lodge

And there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says “I had this wild, vivid dream I was getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I had a dream I was skiing!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/889rvv/three_guys_go_to_a_ski_lodge/
%
Kids are a great gift, but

I still prefer to play with the box they came in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/889js4/kids_are_a_great_gift_but/
%
What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/889jby/what_do_you_call_a_dog_magician/
%
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He looked at me and said, "The law says 18 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/889dyj/just_after_my_wife_had_given_birth_i_asked_the/
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I told a girl she had a radiant smile

I didn't know she was from Chernobyl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/889cog/i_told_a_girl_she_had_a_radiant_smile/
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What's good in the US but bad in the UK?

Losing pounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/889c7d/whats_good_in_the_us_but_bad_in_the_uk/
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Why go to the paint store when you're on a diet?

You can get thinner there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8899kk/why_go_to_the_paint_store_when_youre_on_a_diet/
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I've had the clap at least 12 times

At this point it should really be called the applause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88961x/ive_had_the_clap_at_least_12_times/
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Today it's his birthday so what's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.
Happy birthday Eric and sorry for the dark joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8893tt/today_its_his_birthday_so_whats_the_difference/
%
What is the best part about living in Sweden

Well, the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8891pn/what_is_the_best_part_about_living_in_sweden/
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What do you apply to a sore pig's nose?

Oinkment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8890yv/what_do_you_apply_to_a_sore_pigs_nose/
%
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg

so I said to him, 'Which is your favourite Christian festival?'
He replied 'Have to love Easter, baby.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/888zkc/i_saw_arnold_schwarzenegger_eating_a_chocolate_egg/
%
Why can’t a bike stand on its own?

Because it's two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/888z1h/why_cant_a_bike_stand_on_its_own/
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What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I wouldn’t let a lentil on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/888ynl/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.

I almost died in Finding Nemo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/888y6o/when_people_go_underwater_in_scary_movies_i_like/
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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.
"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day they enter it again 6 months later. You haven't ever seen such great submarines in your entire life, folks."
Putin, not looking really impressed, answers:
"That's great, Donald. But my new nuclear submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"
The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German submarines stay under, Mrs Merkel?"
Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creaks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil Hitler, we need more diesel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/888svj/donald_trump_vladimr_putin_and_angela_merkel_take/
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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took the Purple Heart that he got in Vietnam.
He was so mad he threw his prosthetic leg at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/888nu1/my_dad_said_people_shouldnt_get_ribbons_just_for/
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God should really get better internet for his son.

Its so laggy Jesus died and took 3 days to respawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/888n4o/god_should_really_get_better_internet_for_his_son/
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A man noticed another man throwing 50 dollar bills into a drain

“What are you doing?!!” He asked.
“I accidentally dropped a dollar down there” the man responded.
“So why are you throwing even more money in?”
“ There’s  no way I am going to crawl down there for just a dollar”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/888m6f/a_man_noticed_another_man_throwing_50_dollar/
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Why are funerals never held at night?

Because they're always in mourning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/888i8h/why_are_funerals_never_held_at_night/
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Why do women and children get to go first in emergencies?

So men can think of a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/888h87/why_do_women_and_children_get_to_go_first_in/
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Archaeologists excavating a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts

They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/888h6p/archaeologists_excavating_a_pyramid_in_egypt_have/
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My dad says people shouldn't get rewards just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took away his father of the year award

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/888g5k/my_dad_says_people_shouldnt_get_rewards_just_for/
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What do you call a girl that doesn't suck dick?

you don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8889ww/what_do_you_call_a_girl_that_doesnt_suck_dick/
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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8888s8/how_many_apples_grow_on_a_tree/
%
A blind answer poll was made to dads everywhere, whether they liked Republicans or Democrats.

The only answer they got back was "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88884m/a_blind_answer_poll_was_made_to_dads_everywhere/
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Yesterday, I saw a guy spill all his scrabble tiles on the street..

I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88864g/yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_spill_all_his_scrabble/
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Called up the movie theater to find out what the order was for the double feature horror films.

It follows It Follows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8884mt/called_up_the_movie_theater_to_find_out_what_the/
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My wife asked me how Wonder Woman got her new sword in the Justice League movie...

I told her that she must have Amazon Prime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/887wtc/my_wife_asked_me_how_wonder_woman_got_her_new/
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Whoring yourself for money is legal in the United States

Just take a look at our politicians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/887sas/whoring_yourself_for_money_is_legal_in_the_united/
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Why were the immortal's jokes always funny?

They never got old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/887qrv/why_were_the_immortals_jokes_always_funny/
%
I am not racist

Because racism is a crime
And crime is for black people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/887oq5/i_am_not_racist/
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I feel like with all this political stuff going on, its become popular with a lot of people to be angry all the time.

Some might say its all the rage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/887msz/i_feel_like_with_all_this_political_stuff_going/
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What's an epidemiologist's least favorite kind of tree?

Sycamore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/887mjc/whats_an_epidemiologists_least_favorite_kind_of/
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I've been reading a horror book in Braille...

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/887ks8/ive_been_reading_a_horror_book_in_braille/
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Why did the red blood cell misspell his name?

It was a type-o.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/887hap/why_did_the_red_blood_cell_misspell_his_name/
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Did you hear about the failed orgy?

Nobody came...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/887efv/did_you_hear_about_the_failed_orgy/
%
[Long] A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow.

A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow. Shortly after takeoff the Frenchman opens the window and sticks his hand out.
Then he brings his hand back in, sniffs it, and proclaims "We are above France right now!" The German and Russian ask him how he knows this and the Frenchman proudly explains "My hand smells of perfumes and fresh baked bread, it smells like the industries of my people."
A little while later the German opens a window, sticks his hand out, brings it back and sniffs it. He says "We are over Germany right now!" His two companions ask how he knows and he replies "My hand smells like oil and diesel, from the factories of my homeland."
Near the end of the trip the Russian opens the window and sticks his hand out. He brings his hand back in but does not sniff it, instead he merely glances at it before proclaiming "We are over Russia right now!" The other two are incredulous and ask him how he could know that without smelling his hand. The Russian responds "I know we are over Russia because my watch is gone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/887czb/long_a_german_frenchman_and_russian_board_a_small/
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My Wife was yelling at me last night.

Thank god she was! It reminded me we ran out of duct tape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/887anc/my_wife_was_yelling_at_me_last_night/
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A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter says: Nothing special, we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8874dj/a_guy_asks_his_waiter_how_they_prepare_their/
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My sister keeps using up all the hot water in the shower

But jokes on her, I'm using up all the cold water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8870k1/my_sister_keeps_using_up_all_the_hot_water_in_the/
%
A Tutor Who Tooted

A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
“Is it tougher to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/886zvi/a_tutor_who_tooted/
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I was awakened at 3 am by some hooker screaming and pounding on my hotel door.

She got so loud, I finally had to get up and let her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/886yd7/i_was_awakened_at_3_am_by_some_hooker_screaming/
%
What does Hitler call his mac and cheese?

Mein-Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/886xlk/what_does_hitler_call_his_mac_and_cheese/
%
What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/886vjz/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
I only had enough money to buy either a ladder or a rope...

I chose the latter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/886u3g/i_only_had_enough_money_to_buy_either_a_ladder_or/
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A young man wants a car

A young man comes to his father a few months before his 16th birthday and asks, if for a present, his father would buy him a vehicle.
His father looks at him and replies: “Your grades are crap, you look like a hippy, and you don’t come to church with your mother and I anymore. Why would I buy you a car?”
The boy thinks long and hard and proposes a deal: “If I were to fix those things, would you be willing to buy me a car for my birthday?”
His father smiles and says, “If you get your grades up, cut your hair, and start coming to church, I will buy you a car.”
So over the next few weeks, the young man bust his ass. He gets his grades in order, even making the deans list. He starts going to church on Sundays, studies his Bible every night, and even finds time to join a youth group during the week.
With his birthday just around the corner, he finds his father and asks if he has done well enough to justify a vehicle.
His dad smiles and says, “I am very proud of all that you’ve done son, but I also asked you to cut that hair. So, no.
The boy, dejected but not defeated, looks at him and says, “Ahhhh, but father, in my time studying the Bible I noticed a fair few things. Most notably, many prominent men that you look up to have long hair. Moses was said to have long hair, many of the disciples had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair. So I don’t think it’s too far out of the question for me to keep my hair this way.
His dad looks at him and says, “That may be true, but if you would have studied a little harder, you’d have noticed all those guys walked everywhere.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/886rsb/a_young_man_wants_a_car/
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Two deer walk out of a gay bar...

One deer turns the other and says "i can't believe i just blew 40 bucks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/886pkr/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/886lrh/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
What do you call a waffle made in California?

A sandy Eggo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/886klk/what_do_you_call_a_waffle_made_in_california/
%
Plane engine emergency

While on a flight the captain makes an announcement "Ladies and gentlemen we have had to turn off engine 1 and reduced speed. We will be delayed by 1 hour". A few minutes later the captain makes another announcement "Ladies and gentlemen we have had to turn off engine 2 and reduced speed, we will be delayed by another hour and have 2 engines operational". A few minutes later "Ladies and gentlemen we have had to turn off engine 3 and reduced speed, we will be delayed by another hour and have only 1 engine remaining". At this point a passenger shouts out "Oh come one, if we lose the last engine we will be up here all day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8862x4/plane_engine_emergency/
%
A man goes out for the night with his friends but forgets to bring his phone.

His wife, who's been suspicious of his faithfulness, decides to take the opportunity to go through his phone to make sure he's not talking to other women. She scrolls down through his contacts and stumbles upon a number named "Free Sex".
"That asshole, I knew he was cheating on me." She said.
Without hesitation she calls the number, only to be interrupted by her phone vibrating in her pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8861pu/a_man_goes_out_for_the_night_with_his_friends_but/
%
Daniel and Brian are cutting wood in a forest.

Daniel isn't being overly careful, and accidentally cuts his hand off. Brian, however, has some basic medical training, and helps stop the bleeding. Brian decides to wrap Daniel's severed hand up with a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The ER doctor sees the two and looks disappointed.
"You two need to be more careful! You're lucky this wasn't more serious. Go to the waiting room, come back in an hour, and I'll see what I can do."
An hour later, the doctor sees Daniel, and fixes his hand, good as new.
However, Daniel and Brian aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, and three weeks later, they're back at it again, cutting wood in the forest. Having learned nothing from the first experience, Daniel accidentally cuts his own leg off. Brian knows this is bad, but hopes for the best. He stops the bleeding, and wraps Daniel's severed leg in a plastic bag and takes him back to the hospital.
The doctor looks absolutely bewildered. "I can't believe you two at all! This is ridiculous! Go to the waiting room, come back in an hour, and I'll see what I can do."
They obey the doctor, and an hour later, Daniel comes out of the operating room, good as new.
For God knows what reason, one month later, Daniel and Brian are cutting wood in the forest again. This time, Daniel accidentally cuts his own head off. Brian knows this is as bad as could be, but he hopes for the best. He places Daniel's head in a plastic bag and rushes to the hospital with Daniel.
The doctor cannot believe his eyes. "Are you kidding me! This is an outrage! You two are the absolute biggest idiots I've ever seen!" He composes himself and decides he needs to try and save Daniel.
After the surgery, the doctor comes out and sees Brian. "I'm sorry, Brian, but Daniel didn't make it."
"I understand, he did cut his own head off," Brian sighed sadly.
"Oh, no, the surgery went fine," the doctor replied, "it's just that he suffocated in that plastic bag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/885wr2/daniel_and_brian_are_cutting_wood_in_a_forest/
%
I was walking down the street, and some guy came up to me and shaved off my mustache!

He stole it from right under my nose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/885smd/i_was_walking_down_the_street_and_some_guy_came/
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“Mum I’m going out now”

Mum: “you’re not going anywhere until you’ve changed out of that miniskirt!”
“Why not?!”
Mum: “Because I can see your balls Richard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/885set/mum_im_going_out_now/
%
My teacher accused me of plagiarising my paper.

His words. Not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/885qvv/my_teacher_accused_me_of_plagiarising_my_paper/
%
I just bought some shoes from a drug dealer

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/885m5t/i_just_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Falcon Heavy rocket.

I guess the real joke is in the comets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/885kmt/elon_musk_is_reported_to_have_written_a_short/
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I like my women like I like my toaster,

Turned on and in the tub with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/885imw/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_toaster/
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I caught my dad chewing pennies and spitting them out.

I said, "Dad, what the hell are you doing?"
He replied, "Im making us rich son"
"How?" I asked
"Simple", he said, "I'm making bit coins"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/885ggs/i_caught_my_dad_chewing_pennies_and_spitting_them/
%
My therapist told me "write letters to the people you hate and then burn them"

Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/885et6/my_therapist_told_me_write_letters_to_the_people/
%
Lost my job at the pet store on the very first day

A lady came in to buy a spider, I told her she could get one cheaper off the web

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8856ut/lost_my_job_at_the_pet_store_on_the_very_first_day/
%
Officer: Sir your wife fell out of your car about a mile back!

Man: Thankyou for telling me officer! I thought I had gone deaf!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88524n/officer_sir_your_wife_fell_out_of_your_car_about/
%
Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships?

So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/884zva/why_does_the_norwegian_military_have_barcodes_on/
%
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end you ignore it all and click “I agree”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/884zes/arguing_with_a_woman_is_like_reading_a_software/
%
I was at a voodoo store looking to buy an Afrikan juju doll. I couldn't decide which one I wanted, so I stuffed them down my pants, one by one until I got to one that aroused me. It was at this point I knew...

That's my fetish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/884v93/i_was_at_a_voodoo_store_looking_to_buy_an_afrikan/
%
What's heavier, 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you've also got to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/884p8j/whats_heavier_200_pounds_of_bricks_or_200_pounds/
%
What did they call a Nazi after the war?

A VeteranAryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/884jtc/what_did_they_call_a_nazi_after_the_war/
%
Picked my son up from his first day of daycare.

Looked like a great place. Tons of cool toys. One corner of the room was full of blocks, one corner had a huge ball pit, another corner was a reading nook with little-kid type books. I got there just as they were cleaning the room up, and there were these huge foam ABCs all over the floor. I watched as one of the teachers picked up the scattered alphabet – T, K, N, A, C, and so on – and placed it in a big basket. Then, to my surprise, she picked up the P and tossed it into the ball pit. I had to ask, what's going on?
"Didn't you know?" she said. "P is stored in the balls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/884g5m/picked_my_son_up_from_his_first_day_of_daycare/
%
The British use the phrase "Long live the queen," & the queen is the longest lived monarch in history.

So you'd think they would have realized that there might be an issue always saying Princess Di...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/884ffv/the_british_use_the_phrase_long_live_the_queen/
%
Someone stole my flashlight.

I'm not annoyed.  I'm delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/884f26/someone_stole_my_flashlight/
%
The sun is really bad at telling jokes

It takes 8 minutes for the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/884e7t/the_sun_is_really_bad_at_telling_jokes/
%
What goes up and never comes down?

Your age!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/884c5s/what_goes_up_and_never_comes_down/
%
A man walks into a barbershop

He tells the barber, "Could you give me a haircut, where you cut one sideburn is longer than the other, you use the razor to make several baldspots on the front of my head, and you make clear zigzags down the back of my head?"
The barber is aghast. "That's terrible! I can't do that."
The man retorts, "But that's what you did last time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/884bzp/a_man_walks_into_a_barbershop/
%
How do you attack a clown posse?

Go right for the juggler!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8848fy/how_do_you_attack_a_clown_posse/
%
"There's no escape..."

...says a nerd in front of a broken keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8845uy/theres_no_escape/
%
What do you call someone making trouble in a Jamaican church?

A Cinnamon
(sound it out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8841zv/what_do_you_call_someone_making_trouble_in_a/
%
What do you call a computer that smells?

C-Pee-eww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/883zkq/what_do_you_call_a_computer_that_smells/
%
Free sex tonight

At a travel agency in Bangkok, I asked the Thai girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.
She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,
"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".
I replied, "Wow, you Thai women are really hospitable!"
A guy standing next to me who had overheard our conversation tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"Don't get too excited. What she really said was:  666136429."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/883ym6/free_sex_tonight/
%
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day...

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/883tt7/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_my_very_first_day/
%
An old pirate walks into a bar...

He had the whole package: pegleg, hook for hand and an eyepatch.
He gets some stares from the other guests as he takes his seat by the bar.
Eventually one of the guests dares to ask: "how did you lose your leg?"
"Arr I only fell overboard one time in me whole pirate career and that's when a shark bit me leg off."  The pirate replies.
The guest keeps asking on and learns that he lost his hand in a swordfight.
And ofcourse finally he asks the pirate how he lost his eye.
To wich the pirate replies: "A seagull shat in it."
Unsurprisingly this answer was met with a blank stare and ackward silence.
"Arr well" said the pirate eventually, "It was the same day I just got the hook..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/883ohp/an_old_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Saw a dwarf waiting at a bus stop in the rain

"Jump in", I yelled, "I'll give you a lift home".  "Fuck off!", he shouted back.  'What an ungrateful bastard' I thought as I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/883nai/saw_a_dwarf_waiting_at_a_bus_stop_in_the_rain/
%
I don't know why Christians are so hard on unwed teen mothers.

I mean, Jesus turned out alright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/883mqt/i_dont_know_why_christians_are_so_hard_on_unwed/
%
Why can’t Sacha Baron Cohen eat nuts?

Because of his Ali G

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/883l0l/why_cant_sacha_baron_cohen_eat_nuts/
%
I crouch down, tuck my head.

That’s how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/883jc5/i_crouch_down_tuck_my_head/
%
What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do?

Stays up all night wondering if there is a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/883g79/what_does_an_agnostic_dyslexic_insomniac_do/
%
Apparently camouflage is a thing...

I just don't see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/883dj7/apparently_camouflage_is_a_thing/
%
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are.
You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!
I mean, no sex since 1955!
Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so?
It's only 2130 now."
I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/883ch9/a_crusty_old_sergeant_major_found_himself_at_a/
%
I've always had a love for math...

Probably because the first time I saw "boobs" was on a calculator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8833ub/ive_always_had_a_love_for_math/
%
My girlfriend just told me our love is like an eternal candle....

If you forget about me, I will burn your house down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8832a0/my_girlfriend_just_told_me_our_love_is_like_an/
%
Why did the Energizer Bunny go to jail?

because he was charged with battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/882zlb/why_did_the_energizer_bunny_go_to_jail/
%
Black eye and a broken nose

How do you give a blonde a black eye and a broken nose without touching her?
Wave a dick under a glass table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/882vyi/black_eye_and_a_broken_nose/
%
What part of first aid are pirates best at?

C.P.ARRRR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/882uvo/what_part_of_first_aid_are_pirates_best_at/
%
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?

Ya can't call 'em shit because you probably have dick in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/882smc/what_do_you_call_nuts_on_the_wall_walnuts_what_do/
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In the old days, when you illegally downloaded music it would transfer everything but the drum tracks, so you’d have to duplicate those on your own.

That’s why they say you can’t steal music without repercussion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/882q2n/in_the_old_days_when_you_illegally_downloaded/
%
What do you say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day?

Happy Independence Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/882pwx/what_do_you_say_to_your_single_friends_on/
%
Just saw the new infinity wars trailer today and to me, it was pretty obvious who's dying.

Well, so long, DC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/882pwt/just_saw_the_new_infinity_wars_trailer_today_and/
%
Dogs are the best. I have a lab.

It's a meth lab. But, I guard it with pit bulls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/882pp8/dogs_are_the_best_i_have_a_lab/
%
My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/882ktl/my_dad_said_people_shouldnt_get_ribbons_just_for/
%
Why do Muslims believe the afterlife is more important than the current life?

If you lived in the Middle East, you would too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/882kex/why_do_muslims_believe_the_afterlife_is_more/
%
I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate

Let me know if you can come or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/882htt/im_throwing_a_party_for_people_who_cant_ejaculate/
%
Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."

Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/882g6v/young_actor_dad_guess_what_ive_just_got_my_first/
%
How do you make a small fortune after earning a degree in political science?

Start with a large fortune and know when to stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/882cvr/how_do_you_make_a_small_fortune_after_earning_a/
%
Why are baseball stadiums the coolest place to be?

Because it's full of fans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/882cdf/why_are_baseball_stadiums_the_coolest_place_to_be/
%
How did the psychic balance work and family?

By finding a happy medium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88209j/how_did_the_psychic_balance_work_and_family/
%
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/881y2r/why_do_scuba_divers_always_fall_backwards_out_of/
%
After a happy marriage of many years with my blind wife, I suddenly left her.

She didn’t see it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/881vcj/after_a_happy_marriage_of_many_years_with_my/
%
An oregano farmer recently lost a high profile court case and was ordered to pay 20 million dollars. However the spices industry had been on a steady decline so he didn’t have that kind of money on hand.

Needless to say his wages were garnished

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/881tio/an_oregano_farmer_recently_lost_a_high_profile/
%
Two behavioral psychologists were lying in bed after sex

One says the other, "So it was good for you, was it good for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/881shz/two_behavioral_psychologists_were_lying_in_bed/
%
Helen Keller walked into a bar

And a chair and a table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/881prp/helen_keller_walked_into_a_bar/
%
How many sisters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/881oz5/how_many_sisters_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do you call your mother’s angry French sister?

Your croissant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/881hy6/what_do_you_call_your_mothers_angry_french_sister/
%
Why does Santa have such big sack?

Because he only comes once in a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/881hy9/why_does_santa_have_such_big_sack/
%
You can borrow five cents and no one will ask you to return them.

Apparently, people don't like a nickel back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/881fr7/you_can_borrow_five_cents_and_no_one_will_ask_you/
%
I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/881e0g/i_love_taking_photos_of_myself_standing_next_to/
%
The moon landing was faked....

but the director was so good he shot on location

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/881dbe/the_moon_landing_was_faked/
%
Why did the high school girl only answer questions 1, 3, 5 and 7 on her exam?

Because she literally can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/881cfd/why_did_the_high_school_girl_only_answer/
%
I've told the wife this Easter I'm going to be like Jesus...

I'll disappear Friday and show up again Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/881a73/ive_told_the_wife_this_easter_im_going_to_be_like/
%
I'm not saying my house has too many books

But I just saw an orang-utan in the kitchen, looking for a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8813z6/im_not_saying_my_house_has_too_many_books/
%
I’ll never forget my dad’s last words...

You Idiot! Don’t move the ladder!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8810c9/ill_never_forget_my_dads_last_words/
%
Two Irish lads having a drink in a pub.

One says to the other “where you from?”
“Glanmire - outside Cork” replies the second
“Amazing so am i!” the first exclaims “what school did you go too?”
“St Josephs” he replies
“St Josephs!? I went St Josephs as well!!” shouts the first
The second asks “what year did you graduate?”
“1982” comes the reply.
“My lord!” the 2nd stares in disbelief ”I graduated 1982 also!”
“Its gonna be a long night” says the barman to a bar fly“The Murphy twins are drunk again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8810bd/two_irish_lads_having_a_drink_in_a_pub/
%
I googled how to start a wildfire

I got 31.000 matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880zcd/i_googled_how_to_start_a_wildfire/
%
Two blondes are walking in the park and come up on a set of tracks

One blonde says "I think these are bear tracks", the other blonde argues they are deer tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880w2j/two_blondes_are_walking_in_the_park_and_come_up/
%
So there was a lizard who was walking through the rainforest

He looked up in the tree and saw a koala bear smoking a few joints. So the lizard goes up the tree and smokes a few more joints with the koala bear. After a little while, the lizard decides to go down to the pond to get a drink for his dry mouth, so he scurries down the tree and over to the pond where there was a crocodile waiting.
The crocodile says "Woah man, what are you doing drinking from the pond?" "Well I smoked a few joints with this koala bear and I have really bad dry mouth," the lizard responded.
In shock, the crocodile says, "There's a pot smoking koala? I have to see this!"
So the crocodile climbs out of the pond and walks over to the tree where the koala has smoked 4 or 5 more joints since the lizard left.
The crocodile says, "What are you doing up there buddy?"
The koala looks down in shock and says, "Woah buddy, how much water did you drink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880v0c/so_there_was_a_lizard_who_was_walking_through_the/
%
What’s Latin for abortion?

Fetus Deletus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880tpf/whats_latin_for_abortion/
%
It's ironic that Baby Boomers call Millennials narcissists

When their parents referred to themselves as **The Greatest Generation**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880tbj/its_ironic_that_baby_boomers_call_millennials/
%
Hitler could have taken over the world...

If he would have just stoped Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880rwi/hitler_could_have_taken_over_the_world/
%
The wrestler

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'.
Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed,  "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really.  You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880rm7/the_wrestler/
%
What do you call a Jewish knight?

Sir Cumcised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880rfk/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_knight/
%
Why can't women read maps?

Because men are the only ones that can pretend an inch to be a mile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880q3e/why_cant_women_read_maps/
%
There's a joke about computers I wanted to tell you

but I don't think you like  IT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880mwr/theres_a_joke_about_computers_i_wanted_to_tell_you/
%
The three stages of sex in marriage

tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880mnt/the_three_stages_of_sex_in_marriage/
%
A man goes into the doctors saying his ass hurts....

He pulls down his pants and the doctor says "there is a bit of lettuce sticking out of your butt! The man replies "yeah i know, thats just the tip of the iceberg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880lcx/a_man_goes_into_the_doctors_saying_his_ass_hurts/
%
A biologist is tells his friend about his adventures in South-Africa, where he had studied wild rhinos.

‘We were following and observing this rhino for 3 weeks already. He had done his business with a female and his feeding behaviour was all well. Everything went as expected, and we were having a great time studying our big boy.’
‘We finished our observation and research, but we decided to follow him one last day. In hindsight not the best idea.
We left our Jeep like normal, and we set up to watch the rhino eat. We came little bit closer though, because it was our last time watching him.
My colleague startled the rhino with a loud “HATCHAAAA”, and he turned.
Running time boys.
Of course the rhino decided to chase of me and not my colleague, and I ran and ran. Eventually the rhino was catching up and I started  to really panic, but the rhino slipped and took some time to recover.
I ran and ran further, still scared and he started to follow again (praise my stamina) and he caught up again. To my enormeous relieve the rhino slipped again and gave up the chase.’
‘Wow’ says his friend. ‘If that were me I’d have shit my pants a thousand times’
‘Well,’ replies the biologist ‘what do you think the rhino slipped over?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880hww/a_biologist_is_tells_his_friend_about_his/
%
My doctor told me that I would have to stop masturbating.

When I asked her why, she said "Because I’m trying to examine you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880hw6/my_doctor_told_me_that_i_would_have_to_stop/
%
My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880h7z/my_girl_keeps_having_disturbed_dreams_shouting/
%
A woman once gave birth to 100 children and to avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately, all of them, except for #90, died at a very young age...

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman.
She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son.
Unlike her own mother, she gave her offspring actual names.
But their names don't matter.
One day, the daughter and the son came across a small puppy they found left alone in an alley near their house.
They brought it back into their home and fed it, took care of it and nursed it back to health.
But they knew that their mother, 90, wouldn't dare let them keep a dog in their home, so they decided to hide it.
In order to continue successfully keeping their dog a secret, they named the dog "This."
During conversations about the dog which took place in front of their mother, the daughter and the son would refer to their puppy as "This" so as to avoid any suspicion at all.
It worked for a while, but unfortunately, a few years later, their secret dog, named This, died.
And so it goes...
...only 90's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880gak/a_woman_once_gave_birth_to_100_children_and_to/
%
Why do easter eggs hide?

Because they're little chickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880fsw/why_do_easter_eggs_hide/
%
Why do women over 30 stop playing hide and seek?

Because nobody is looking for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880ble/why_do_women_over_30_stop_playing_hide_and_seek/
%
Me: Can I smell your panties?

Her: No!
Me: Well then, it must be your feet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/880bc5/me_can_i_smell_your_panties/
%
A woman is in the hospital in a coma

and her husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8809sj/a_woman_is_in_the_hospital_in_a_coma/
%
Why is diarrhea hereditary

It runs in your jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8809ej/why_is_diarrhea_hereditary/
%
At any given moment the urge to sing "the lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away

A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/88070h/at_any_given_moment_the_urge_to_sing_the_lion/
%
I was woken up by the mailman trying to deliver a washbasin today.

Let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8806ol/i_was_woken_up_by_the_mailman_trying_to_deliver_a/
%
A blonde wants to make some money

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,"
"How much will you charge me?" he asks.
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been binge reading on /r/jokes lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Bentley."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8805jl/a_blonde_wants_to_make_some_money/
%
A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year.

If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. The spell also forbade him to write.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “I'm gay"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8804ld/a_prince_was_put_under_a_spell_so_that_he_could/
%
What's the difference between a good meal and a good time?

Well, it depends on where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87zyrv/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_meal_and_a/
%
Why is it a bad idea to bring ghosts to a game of football?

no matter what, they just keep booing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ztp6/why_is_it_a_bad_idea_to_bring_ghosts_to_a_game_of/
%
If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87zs62/if_you_have_one_big_shit_and_divide_it_into_3/
%
Helen Keller....

Q: How did Helen Keller discover masturbation?
A: She tried to read her own lips.
Q: Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?
A: So she could moan with the other hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87zrpp/helen_keller/
%
A boy is selling fish on a corner

. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87zrp9/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
%
A firefighter is working on the engine

outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," says the little boy. As the firefighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87zrjc/a_firefighter_is_working_on_the_engine/
%
What's the name of the most popular French knight?

Sir Ender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87zkm9/whats_the_name_of_the_most_popular_french_knight/
%
I have a French WW2 rifle for sale

Never been fired, only dropped once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ziob/i_have_a_french_ww2_rifle_for_sale/
%
My first time having sex was alot like my first football game

It was painful, it was tiring, but at least my dad came..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87zg2c/my_first_time_having_sex_was_alot_like_my_first/
%
What’s the difference between a professional drummer and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87zcp6/whats_the_difference_between_a_professional/
%
What do you call a gilded front page Reddit post?

A repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87zarr/what_do_you_call_a_gilded_front_page_reddit_post/
%
To anyone reading this, you are Important, you are loved, and you belong in this world

If you have over 5000 followers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87zakk/to_anyone_reading_this_you_are_important_you_are/
%
I got kicked out of a bar for being too good of a magician.

Apparently making all the ladies disappear is bad for business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87z8dw/i_got_kicked_out_of_a_bar_for_being_too_good_of_a/
%
When I was younger I tried breeding rabbits...

it was a hare-raising experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87z7tr/when_i_was_younger_i_tried_breeding_rabbits/
%
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a chicken feather. Kinky is using the whole damn chicken...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87z71i/whats_the_difference_between_erotic_and_kinky/
%
what do Brexit and facebook have in common?

Both seem to have been caught up in a fishing scam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87z3yz/what_do_brexit_and_facebook_have_in_common/
%
I told my dad he should embrace his mistakes.

He went next door and hugged the neighbour’s son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87z3wx/i_told_my_dad_he_should_embrace_his_mistakes/
%
On a first date last night my date asked, ‘So, what do you do?’

Frowning, I held up the menu and said ‘you just choose something from this book of food’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87z329/on_a_first_date_last_night_my_date_asked_so_what/
%
I opened my closet this morning, and there was a lion inside. I asked him what he was doing?

He said "Narnia business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87yzzi/i_opened_my_closet_this_morning_and_there_was_a/
%
Why wasn't 6 excited that 7 won a prize for her?

Because 711452.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87yzre/why_wasnt_6_excited_that_7_won_a_prize_for_her/
%
I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer
*You little dirty-minded peasants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87yzmb/i_gently_slid_her_panties_to_the_side/
%
What do you call a door that transgendered people walk through?

A trap door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87yx6k/what_do_you_call_a_door_that_transgendered_people/
%
Reagan, Gorbachev, and Tito are on a plane

Gorbachev suddenly reaches out the window, and says "We are in Russia!" The other two ask him how he knows. He replies, "I just touched the top of the Kremlin!"
Later, Reagan reaches out the window, and says "We are in the US!" The other two ask how he knows. He replies, "I just touched the top of the Empire State Building!"
Next, Tito reaches out the window, and says "We are in Yugoslavia!" The other two ask how he knows. He replies, "They just stole my watch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ywg6/reagan_gorbachev_and_tito_are_on_a_plane/
%
How do electricians relax?

They meditate.
*Oooohhhmmmm*
They do it after getting all amped up after a long day. It helps organize the mind after getting their wires crossed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ywdi/how_do_electricians_relax/
%
Why is a mathematician never constipated?

She just works it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ywav/why_is_a_mathematician_never_constipated/
%
I'd tell you a joke about hats

But it would probably go over your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87you5/id_tell_you_a_joke_about_hats/
%
What's one nickel minus one nickel?

Wait never mind that makes no cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87yg1r/whats_one_nickel_minus_one_nickel/
%
My roommates keep asking me personal questions

Like, “Who are you?” and, “How did you get in here”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87yfx9/my_roommates_keep_asking_me_personal_questions/
%
Two blondes trying to light a match

After few failed attempts, the first one turned to her friend and said: maybe this match is defective
to which the first one replied: it was just working before you came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ye1k/two_blondes_trying_to_light_a_match/
%
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender “I’ll have 2 shots of...”
The bartender cuts him off, “you only get 1 shot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ybxp/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_owned_by_eminem/
%
A kid was begging his dad to move to California.

Dad: Give me one reason why I should agree
Kid: California starts with Cal
Dad: And?
Kid: Calculator also starts with Cal
Dad: What does that mean?
Kid: It all adds up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ybaz/a_kid_was_begging_his_dad_to_move_to_california/
%
An Irishman walks out of a bar

Hey, it could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87y73d/an_irishman_walks_out_of_a_bar/
%
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? You know you can't out run that bear’
‘I don’t need to outrun that bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87y5hk/two_campers_are_walking_through_the_woods_when_a/
%
What's Netflix's biggest competitor?

Sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87y2w5/whats_netflixs_biggest_competitor/
%
What do you call a person that takes care of chickens?

A Chicken Tender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87xxu7/what_do_you_call_a_person_that_takes_care_of/
%
Politicians should be required to dress like NASCAR drivers.

With patches all over their suits telling us who their “sponsors” are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87xwkz/politicians_should_be_required_to_dress_like/
%
What do fish get stressed about?

Current Events

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87xrpq/what_do_fish_get_stressed_about/
%
Parallel Lines Have So Much in Common

It's a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87xr7w/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
Why was the Ethiopian child crying?

He was having a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87xoxm/why_was_the_ethiopian_child_crying/
%
Justice is best served cold.

It's just ice, after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87xol5/justice_is_best_served_cold/
%
It looks like Jared and Ivanka's Judaism is really rubbing off on Trump.

He's even cleaning out his Cabinet for Passover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87xh6i/it_looks_like_jared_and_ivankas_judaism_is_really/
%
Why did the leper fail their driving test?

They left their foot on the clutch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87xg2l/why_did_the_leper_fail_their_driving_test/
%
I kept giving all my male test subjects iron.

it kept turning them into girls. I don’t know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87xfer/i_kept_giving_all_my_male_test_subjects_iron/
%
What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87xekx/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
%
What do you call a lonely south-asian man?

Lone Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87xdw5/what_do_you_call_a_lonely_southasian_man/
%
What did the banana say to the vibrator?

“What are you shaking for she’s going to eat me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87xchf/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
%
What do you call a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Helen Keller?

Endless Love

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87xacz/what_do_you_call_a_tennis_match_between_stevie/
%
What do you call a group of guys, sailing the sea, singing about looting and stealing?

21 pirates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87x7k2/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_guys_sailing_the_sea/
%
Why does a cow say "moo" when you scare it?

Because it's a cow-word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87x42m/why_does_a_cow_say_moo_when_you_scare_it/
%
I try to teach my mom something new every day.

They say you're supposed to learn from your mistakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87x40v/i_try_to_teach_my_mom_something_new_every_day/
%
I would die for shopping.

I’m a Walmartyr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87x0te/i_would_die_for_shopping/
%
Have you heard about that new virus that is devastating the bird population?

It’s called Chirpies.
What’s most heartbreaking about it is that it’s...
untweetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87x0sp/have_you_heard_about_that_new_virus_that_is/
%
Dear Abby...

I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs … phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names, she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car around the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her?
I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Bob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87x0d4/dear_abby/
%
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis Presley steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wzxs/i_have_an_idea_for_a_chain_of_elvis_presley_steak/
%
What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?

Ones a good year and the other is a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wzjt/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365/
%
Remember kids

the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wylr/remember_kids/
%
How do you tie your spaceship to the dock?

With an astronaut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wxp7/how_do_you_tie_your_spaceship_to_the_dock/
%
What did the leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wxlj/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_hooker/
%
Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!
They begin tuning and setting up to start the jam session. All of a sudden, the tuning is drowned out by the obnoxious sound of Joe murdering his cymbals. Dave, annoyed, turns to Joe and says, “can you quit it? Your instrument doesn’t even require tuning.” Joe, miffed, shakes his head quietly and stops.
They begin the song and hit it off immediately, except for one small issue. Joe cannot seem to get in rhythm with the rest of the band, and the tempo is suffering for it. Tommy, annoyed, turns to Joe and says, “can you pay attention? It’s not that hard to hit a cymbal on key.” Joe, quickly losing confidence, shakes his head and adjusts his instrument.
The whole band is playing in tempo and the song is going quite well. Joe gets his solo, and he plays the single note with artistry. Towards the end, the entire song is interrupted by loud sobbing. Rodney, infuriated, turns to a teary-eyed Joe and says, “can you stop crying? Your cymbal part isn’t even that emotional.” Joe, all soul devoid from his eyes, shakes his head and grabs a tissue.
At the end of the rehearsal, their first recording in the bag, the band gathers to reflect on what they’ve accomplished. Rodney, the established frontman of the band, looks at each of them and asks, “what additions or suggestions do you have to make the band even better?”
Immediately, both Dave and Tommy chime in.
“Ban Joe.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wv25/joe_dave_tommy_and_rodney_start_a_folk_rock_band/
%
I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.
Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wu5u/i_told_a_girl_my_dick_was_like_a_computer/
%
There are two things I hate about being old

Number one is that I can't remember what number 2 is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wu3g/there_are_two_things_i_hate_about_being_old/
%
Two idiots stole a calendar from a fancy hotel

Each got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wr3h/two_idiots_stole_a_calendar_from_a_fancy_hotel/
%
Did you notice the pastry factory is always hiring?

They must have a high turnover-rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wqic/did_you_notice_the_pastry_factory_is_always_hiring/
%
Two brothers work at the same factory...

...and one day they are laid off. So, they decide to apply for a new job with a different company.
The day of the interview, the hiring manager asked the first brother, "What is your current position?"
"I'm a diesel fitter," he replied.
"Excellent!" said the manager. "We have an opening for you immediately! You can start tomorrow."
Excited, he immediately went out and reported the good news to his brother. Afterward, the second brother had his interview.
"What is your current position?" asked the manager.
"I work at an underwear factory," he said.
"Sorry," said the manager. "We don't really have a need for that skillset right now."
"What?!" asked the second brother, incredulous. "Then why did you hire my brother? We've worked beside each other in the same factory for the last 15 years!"
"What?" said the manager. "He told me he was a diesel fitter."
"That's right," said the second brother. "When the panties come down the line, I take them and hand them to my brother. He takes them, puts them on his head and says, 'Diesel fitter!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wo3a/two_brothers_work_at_the_same_factory/
%
I wished my friend a bright future...

...so that he has the best of lux.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wjqb/i_wished_my_friend_a_bright_future/
%
"i used to be a Christian"

She said to her boyfriend, he replies "that's ok, I don't mind" relieved she says "oh that's great, I'm so much more comfortable being Christine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wihf/i_used_to_be_a_christian/
%
I came here under the wrong impression.

I thought they said immigrants take all the good ladies and the jobs, but I guess not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wif7/i_came_here_under_the_wrong_impression/
%
A doctor and an engineer fell in love with the same girl. The doctor would bring her expensive gifts everyday, but the engineer only gave her an apple everyday, WHY?

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wi1x/a_doctor_and_an_engineer_fell_in_love_with_the/
%
What do you call a conversion from centimeters to inches?

an erection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wgmh/what_do_you_call_a_conversion_from_centimeters_to/
%
To that cow that escaped while i was skinning it alive

You can run but you can't hide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wdq3/to_that_cow_that_escaped_while_i_was_skinning_it/
%
What is the celebrity couple name for Kim Jong Un and Xi Jinping?

Kimchi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wdgb/what_is_the_celebrity_couple_name_for_kim_jong_un/
%
Dark humor is like drunk driving

It kills when you cross over the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87wc0d/dark_humor_is_like_drunk_driving/
%
When someone says "Rape jokes aren't funny," I don't care.

It's not like I asked for their consent anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87w9t6/when_someone_says_rape_jokes_arent_funny_i_dont/
%
Farmer Smartass

A grandson goes to visit his grandfather's farm. He asks his grandfather, "Why does that chicken house have two doors?"
The grandfather replies, "It has two doors because it's a chicken coop.  The one over there with four doors is a chicken sedan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87w8e3/farmer_smartass/
%
I walked down the street the other day and saw a man feeding the birds

Wonder how long he’s been dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87vyj3/i_walked_down_the_street_the_other_day_and_saw_a/
%
McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87vyiu/mcdonalds_tried_to_create_a_beef_version_of_the/
%
School bullying

ME: The bullies at school stole my lunch money again.
DAD: Did you tell anyone?
ME: Yes, but they just say things like "be strong", "stop crying", and "you're a useless teacher”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87vv2w/school_bullying/
%
Why did Sally cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seat belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87vqts/why_did_sally_cross_the_road/
%
There were two thieves who were also being crucified next to Jesus. One of them said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

Jesus looked towards the thief and said, “Truly I say to you, today you shall be with me in para...ARE THOSE MY SANDALS!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87vq9h/there_were_two_thieves_who_were_also_being/
%
What do you call a boat carrying dildos and potatoes?

A dick-tater-ship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87vobk/what_do_you_call_a_boat_carrying_dildos_and/
%
Why is the sculptor so rich?

He made six figures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87vi4e/why_is_the_sculptor_so_rich/
%
My mum and dad just named their new puppy Spliff

They said it was a joint decision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87vexw/my_mum_and_dad_just_named_their_new_puppy_spliff/
%
How do trucks get spouses?

Pickup lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87vdgf/how_do_trucks_get_spouses/
%
My wife was in labor for so long...

It felt like a maternity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87vcd2/my_wife_was_in_labor_for_so_long/
%
My Google Home...

doesn’t know what “idk” stands for. Now I’ll never know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87vbcx/my_google_home/
%
there are 3 kinds of people in this world

Those that are good at numbers, and those that are not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87vayw/there_are_3_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
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One baaaaaaad mistake

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....
"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"
"But if you fuck one goat.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87v7i3/one_baaaaaaad_mistake/
%
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who’d been praying at the Western Wall twice a day, every day, for a long time...

So she went to  check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up  to the holy site.  She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when  he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him  for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
“Morris Feinberg,"  he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
“60 years!  That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
“I pray for peace  between the Christians, Jews, and the  Muslims. I pray for all the  wars and all the hatred to stop." I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man." I pray that  politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”
And finally, "I pray that everyone will be happy".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" she asked.
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87v6zw/a_female_cnn_journalist_heard_about_a_very_old/
%
Man goes to the pharmacy........

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something she could help  the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing  for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87v6pb/man_goes_to_the_pharmacy/
%
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: It's doesn't matter, he can't come to you anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87uvpl/q_what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
What did the German general say to the fuhrer when ice chunks started to damage the planes?

Hail, Hitler!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87uv4r/what_did_the_german_general_say_to_the_fuhrer/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87uusx/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Why are Redneck murder victims so hard to identify?

There are no dental records...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87uuc0/why_are_redneck_murder_victims_so_hard_to_identify/
%
Dad joke - why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87urbw/dad_joke_why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_in_the/
%
As a true metal head, I like my coffee like I like my metal...

Black, with a little Meshuggah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87uqg3/as_a_true_metal_head_i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like/
%
Me: I just sit around the house complaining all day.

"So how's that working out for you"
Me: Can't complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87uqao/me_i_just_sit_around_the_house_complaining_all_day/
%
Professional female athletes are tasty

because they're chick contenders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87upsm/professional_female_athletes_are_tasty/
%
The price of paper is getting so high!

At this rate my origami business is going to fold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87uowz/the_price_of_paper_is_getting_so_high/
%
Why is the KKK bad at math?

They don't believe in integration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87uo2f/why_is_the_kkk_bad_at_math/
%
I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs

He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87un2y/i_think_my_dog_is_upset_i_quit_doing_drugs/
%
Two world renowned surgeons are on a hunting expedition

While walking through the woods one surgeon turns to the other and says “I’m the greatest surgeon to ever live”. The other says “I am the greatest surgeon to ever live and I’ll prove it. So he climbs to up the closest tree and after just two minutes he comes back down with an owls tonsils. “Hah” says the surgeon. “I just gave anesthesia and performed tonsillectomy on that owl in under three minutes and he is just fine!” The other surgeon, not wanting to be bested climbs up the same tree and comes down with the owls nuts in his hands. “Hah!” He says. I have performed testicular surgery on the same owl in just two minutes! He lives and is doing just fine!” After waking hours later, the old owl flies off. A few weeks later he sees his buddy and perches next to him on a pine tree. He turns to him and says “Have you ever been down to that ol cottonwood tree by the beach?” “Nope, never been there” he replies. “Well don’t ever go. Ever since I’ve been down there last and took a nap I can’t hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ulwr/two_world_renowned_surgeons_are_on_a_hunting/
%
Apparently Ive got a bad habit of correcting myself at the wrong moments

I think *edit: spelling* that's bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87uj6g/apparently_ive_got_a_bad_habit_of_correcting/
%
When is it impossible to give someone the time of day?

At Night
(Yes this joke was from a math worksheet)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87uh1c/when_is_it_impossible_to_give_someone_the_time_of/
%
What did Donald Trump yell after his failed suicide attempt?

Fake Noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ugrx/what_did_donald_trump_yell_after_his_failed/
%
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ue6e/a_boy_scout_says_to_his_scout_leader_sir_is_this/
%
How do you know if you have been robbed by an Asian?

Your rice is gone.
Your homework is done.
Your computer is fixed.
And he is still backing out of the driveway....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ud6c/how_do_you_know_if_you_have_been_robbed_by_an/
%
What soft and wrinkly but gets sharper when you use it?

Your brain! (This joke brought to you by one of my 2nd grade students. I told him it was so good I was going to put it on the internet.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ucac/what_soft_and_wrinkly_but_gets_sharper_when_you/
%
Why should prostitutes never hang out in front of prisons?

Because you should never end a sentence with a proposition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87uahq/why_should_prostitutes_never_hang_out_in_front_of/
%
The third letter of the alphabet showed up to work at the same time, every day.

It was consistent C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87u9pa/the_third_letter_of_the_alphabet_showed_up_to/
%
I was gonna post a famous joke...

But I assume you guys have reddit already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87u9o4/i_was_gonna_post_a_famous_joke/
%
What did Manafort say when he bumped into trump at Mar-a-lago?

“Pardon me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87u2ur/what_did_manafort_say_when_he_bumped_into_trump/
%
Australian homophobes were up in arms after the country legalized gay marriage recently

They held a rally to protest with their spouses, walking down the roads chanting " Thats not a woife...this is a woife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87u2sm/australian_homophobes_were_up_in_arms_after_the/
%
Three men are trying to enter America for the first time

and are coming from Germany, China, and the Dominican Republic. They are told that they can become a citizen if they use the words green, pink, and yellow in a sentence.
The German is up first. He says, “I love looking at pink and yellow flowers in the green grass, it looks beautiful.” His sentence was good enough and he was given citizenship. The Chinese man is up next and says, “I love looking at all your green money, mine was weird, pink and yellow.” He gets in too.
Now time for the Dominican. He thinks long and hard and he finally says, “When the phone greens, I pink it up and say yellow?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87u1yg/three_men_are_trying_to_enter_america_for_the/
%
What do Easter eggs have to do with Jesus?

They are dyed for our sins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87u13d/what_do_easter_eggs_have_to_do_with_jesus/
%
A drill seargant walks up to a recruit

and asks, "Private! Do you have change for a 20?"
"Sure buddy", replies the private, reaching into his pocket.
"Thats no way to speak to a superior officer!" Bellows the seargant,"Lets try again!Private! Do you have change for a 20?!"
The private snaps to attention and replies "Sir! No sir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87tya3/a_drill_seargant_walks_up_to_a_recruit/
%
I used to date an electrician...

Boy, she could really light up a room!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87txkz/i_used_to_date_an_electrician/
%
I think it's dumb when people say all Americans are ignorant of geopolitics.

I mean, how could everyone on the planet be ignorant?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87tx1o/i_think_its_dumb_when_people_say_all_americans/
%
You know what is good with 8 ?

It's straight up infinity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87twcz/you_know_what_is_good_with_8/
%
What's the average price of dead batteries?

No charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87tvda/whats_the_average_price_of_dead_batteries/
%
What was Michael Jackson's preferred pronoun?

Hehe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87tnb3/what_was_michael_jacksons_preferred_pronoun/
%
Honest degree slogans

Diploma: Have fun with those loans, guys...
Associates: Man, fuck this.
Bachelor's: Middle class af
Masters: d i f f e r e n t i a t i o n
Doctors: You did it for the title, doc
Postdoc: The prospect of not going to school scares you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87tn4e/honest_degree_slogans/
%
An ugly woman walked into a store a with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would u think they're twins, Are u blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied,"I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would fuck u twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87tmaz/an_ugly_woman_walked_into_a_store_a_with_her_2/
%
I told my parents that they should pay for my health insurance

As they are the main contributers to my health issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87tlht/i_told_my_parents_that_they_should_pay_for_my/
%
Instead of Hillary Clinton, maybe Stormy Daniels should have run against Trump?

I'm pretty sure she would've spanked him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87tkn3/instead_of_hillary_clinton_maybe_stormy_daniels/
%
Why are there no Walmarts in Syria?

Because there is a Target in every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87tj4s/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_syria/
%
[Long] The Farmers horse

There was a farmer who owned a small ranch with some livestock and two horses, Razzle and Dazzle. One day a traveling salesmen knocks on his door. While waiting for the farmer to answer he notices the horses racing around their pen. After he gives his sales pitch he says to the farmer:
"You know those two horses are pretty quick. Have you ever thought about racing them?"
After a while the farmer thinks on it and takes them down to a local derby. As soon as the announcer says "GO",  gates open his two horses are fighting for the lead. Razzle then Dazzle. Razzle then Dazzle. Razzle wins by a nose. The farmer wins some cash and thinks this could be kinda fun.
Every weekend or so he races them. It's always the same thing. Announcer says "GO", gates open, Razzle and Dazzle fighting for the lead. Razzle then Dazzle. Razzle then Dazzle. Razzle wins by a nose.
Life is going pretty good. The farmer has bought a new truck and  trailer with his winnings. He enters the horses in the Kentucky Derby. Announcer says "GO", gates open, Razzle and Dazzle fighting for the lead. Razzle then Dazzle. Razzle then Dazzle. Razzle wins by a nose.
A few years later when Razzle and Dazzle are getting older. The farmer retires Razzle and Dazzle. They're sitting in their pen. Dazzle turns to Razzle and says:
" I know I can beat you. What do you say? One last race?"
" Okay. But it's not an official race unless we have someone to say go. Hey dog will you say go for us?" The dog nods.
Razzle and Dazzle line up. The dog says "GO".  Razzle and Dazzle fighting for the lead. Razzle then Dazzle. Razzle then Dazzle. Razzle wins by a nose. After the race Razzle looks at Dazzle and simply says
"I didn't know dogs could talk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ti9x/long_the_farmers_horse/
%
Paedophiles are not allowed to win any races.

They always have to come in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87td0v/paedophiles_are_not_allowed_to_win_any_races/
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This joke was inspired by a IRL event

I went to the kitchen, and I looked up through the skylight windows.  I then noticed a plastic Rite Aid bag that was stuck in a tree.
My dad saw me looking up, and he asked me, "What are you looking at?"
I said to him, "There is a Rite Aid bag in the tree."
He asked me, "Do you know where that bag came from?"
I just looked at him and said, "I don't know."
He replied, "Rite Aid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87tbyx/this_joke_was_inspired_by_a_irl_event/
%
I met a beautiful girl down at the park today

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we wound up having sex right then and there!
Gosh I love my new taser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87t9ba/i_met_a_beautiful_girl_down_at_the_park_today/
%
People say circumcision does NOT hurt.

I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87t6kd/people_say_circumcision_does_not_hurt/
%
I don’t understand why people hate windows 10

It’s not even that
Sorry my computer crashed while making this post

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87t5ew/i_dont_understand_why_people_hate_windows_10/
%
Y’know, communism is definitely the best system of government.

Nowadays it costs one hundred dollars just to go camping for a night. In the Soviet Union you could go to camp forever, and it was free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87t3tf/yknow_communism_is_definitely_the_best_system_of/
%
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

Canoes tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87t1nn/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_canoe/
%
An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.
After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit in the bank.
'$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table.
Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from.
'Gambling' she muttered.
'What kind of gambling?' the president asked.
'Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.'
'Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win.'
'Would you care to accept the bet, then?' asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone.
'Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!'
'Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?'
'Sure' said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone.
That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet.
The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet.
'So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!'
The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted... after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000!
That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall.
'What's the problem with your attorney, m'am?'
'Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87swir/an_elderly_woman_enters_the_canadian_national/
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I went to my doctor with fluid on my knee.

He said you're not aiming straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87suxn/i_went_to_my_doctor_with_fluid_on_my_knee/
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Two goldfish in a tank

One of them turns to the other and says “How hell do you drive this thing?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ssxt/two_goldfish_in_a_tank/
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Guy looking for a job

A guy who stutter was looking for a job, he went in to a bookstore and asked for the bookshop owner.
"Hi! I'm loo, looking for a j, j, job, he said"
The bookshop owner answered by telling him his not looking for some one to hire at this moment.
The guy said "Please I'm a goo, good seller"
The bookshop owner felt sorry for him and told him fine you see the box over there it's filled with books. Go out, knock on people's doors and sell them for me and if  you sell them all I will hire you.
Th, th, thank you the guy said.
In less than 30 min the guy returned to the bookshop empty-handed. The bookshop owner were shocked, holy shit how did you manage to sell the books so fast? Ok listen, I will give you 2 more boxes and if you sell all the books I will make you a shop manager.
No problem the guy said, smiling.
Within 1.5 hour the guy returned empty-handed again. The bookshop owner couldn't believe his eyes. You need to tell me your sale secret for god sake, how do you sell the books so fast?
The guy replied  "I w, w, will t, t, tell them, you either buy the book or I, re, re , read it fo, for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87siur/guy_looking_for_a_job/
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A Gorilla is sitting in a tree...

...and he is a pretty horny. There are no other apes around but he sees the lion eating a boar and he thinks about it and decides that a hole is a hole so he jumps down and fucks the lion in the ass. the lion lets out a terrifying roar and whips around but the gorilla has already finished and is running through the jungle now.
The gorilla knows he can't outrun the lion and he is gaining fast. Just then the gorilla hears the clanking of dishes and human voices. He turns and runs into the camp and everyone runs and the sight of this 600 lb Silverback Gorilla. The gorilla goes into an empty tent and picks up a already lit cigar shoves it in his mouth, throws on a jungle helmet and hurriedly sits down and picks up the discarded newspaper.
Just then the lion busts through the tent flaps and looks around and asks "Excuse me sir, have you seen a gorilla come through here?"
Without lowering the paper or showing his face, the gorilla in a very convincing English accent replies " Is this the same gorilla that fucked the lion in the ass?"
The lion taken aback, grabs his own face and shrieks
"IT'S ALREADY IN THE PAPERS?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87shvl/a_gorilla_is_sitting_in_a_tree/
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A boy asked his mother how old she is.

"Gentlemen don't ask that.", said his mother.
"Then could you tell me how much you weigh?", asked the boy.
"Gentlemen don't ask that.", said his mother again.
The boy asked another question then, "Why did dad leave you?"
"JUST SHUT UP AND GO!", screamed his mother. The boy left fast enough.
A few days later, the boy found his mother's driving license. He ran to his mother and said, "I know everything now. You are 40 years old and weigh 80 kgs."
His mother, annoyed, said, "Yeah, but thank God you don't know why dad left you."
"That's because you got an F in sex.", the boy answered innocently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87sfe7/a_boy_asked_his_mother_how_old_she_is/
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The other day, my friend told me I don't understand irony...

Which was ironic, because we were sitting on a bench.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87s81v/the_other_day_my_friend_told_me_i_dont_understand/
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Why do cows have hoofs?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87s6yv/why_do_cows_have_hoofs/
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A rabbi is retiring...

A rabbi is retiring after a long career and he has saved all of the foreskins he has collected from doing years of circumcisions.
Not wanting to throw them out, he brings them to a tailor and says, "can you make something for me out of all of these skins?" The tailor agrees and gets to work.
After a few weeks, the rabbi returns to the tailor and the tailor excitedly shows him a wallet.
The rabbi says "there were literally hundreds of foreskins, and all you made was a wallet!?!"
The tailor says "if you rub it a few times it will turn into a briefcase"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87s6q7/a_rabbi_is_retiring/
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A magician was driving down a road

then he turned into a driveway..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87s5lf/a_magician_was_driving_down_a_road/
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Women are like parking spaces...

Normally, the good ones are taken so occasionally, when nobody is looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87s5ba/women_are_like_parking_spaces/
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Stephen King didn't like my Halloween costume.

I dressed like a clown but he said I was doing it wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87s5at/stephen_king_didnt_like_my_halloween_costume/
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Hypothetical VS Actual

So a young boy comes home from school and says, "dad, my teacher said my homework for the night is to find out the difference between hypothetical and actual." His dad says, " well son, go ask your mother if she'd sleep with her boss for a million dollars. Then, go ask your sister if she'd sleep with her principal for a million dollars and come back, tell me what they said. " So the young boy goes and asks both his mom and sister, comes back. "dad, they both said yes." "Well son, that's your answer." "But I don't get it", the boy says. "Ya see, HYPOTHETICALLY we could be millionaires but, we're ACTUALLY living with a couple of whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87s4w9/hypothetical_vs_actual/
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Do you want to learn about music from the early 2000’s?

I could teach you, but I’d have to charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87s48n/do_you_want_to_learn_about_music_from_the_early/
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A priest is baptizing a man.

He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87s0a1/a_priest_is_baptizing_a_man/
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Why do the special needs kids never get in trouble for being late to class?

They're expected to be a little tardy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ry7v/why_do_the_special_needs_kids_never_get_in/
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A pirate walks into a bar.....

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg, and also a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says to the pirate, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants!"
The pirate says, "Arrrrgggg, I know. It's driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rxda/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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The General's Report

An Army general was in Washington for a meeting and decided to call his base for a report. A young private answered the phone.
"I'd like an inventory report of the base please," stated the general.
The private had not dealt with such a request before and thought it was a fellow private playing a joke on him. "Well, we have 200 rifles, 20 boxes of hand grenades, 30 tanks and 2 Cadillac SUVs for hauling around those fat, lazy generals!"
The general was furious. "Do you know who this is?? I'm the base general!!" he shouted angrily.
The private panicked. Thinking quickly he responded, "Is that so? Well, do you know who THIS is??"
The general hadn't been talked to like this in years and was confused. "Um, no?"
The private replied "Good!" and hung up the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rwkq/the_generals_report/
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Reddit Gold is like a Plumbus

Everyone wants it but nobody knows wtf it does

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rvy8/reddit_gold_is_like_a_plumbus/
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Batman told me he was skipping church this week.

Classic Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rvw6/batman_told_me_he_was_skipping_church_this_week/
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This Indian man I know beats his wife

every night he hits her at the same time. Always at 7:00. Right on the Dot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rubk/this_indian_man_i_know_beats_his_wife/
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I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rred/i_met_a_jewish_girl_and_she_asked_for_my_number/
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This subreddit has become full of terrible jokes, and here's why

why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rqki/this_subreddit_has_become_full_of_terrible_jokes/
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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head in the lush.

Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiney new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that !
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen.
"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in that ditch with my Harley, I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rpby/while_riding_my_harley_i_swerved_to_avoid_hitting/
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I went to a swingers club on the weekend

I got through the front door and the lady on the desk said “it’s £10 to get in, or you can pay £15 and you get a meal”. So I paid the £15 and went in. It seemed to be going alright - then this naked oily guy walked up to me and said “hello, I’m Amil”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rp6q/i_went_to_a_swingers_club_on_the_weekend/
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You come across three performing mimes. One is in an invisible box, one is cutting an invisible rope, and one is fighting an invisible man. Which one failed mime school?

The one who won't shut up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rns6/you_come_across_three_performing_mimes_one_is_in/
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I think we should round up all the flat earthers, put them on a plane...

And just fly them off the edge of the earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rkx1/i_think_we_should_round_up_all_the_flat_earthers/
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A King says to 3 of his most esteemed Knights

- Sir Brand! Kiss my hand.
- Sir Amit! Kiss my feet.
- Sir Hancock! Sir Hancock? Why are you running away from me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rjjr/a_king_says_to_3_of_his_most_esteemed_knights/
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How much do you get paid?

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks. He’d cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, “Say, what do you get for yard work?”
The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, “The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rf92/how_much_do_you_get_paid/
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Wisdom, Beauty, or Money

At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the Physics department,“I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beauty—or ten million dollars.”
Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.
There is a ash of lightning, and the professor appears transformed, but he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers,“Say something.”
The professor says,“I should have taken the money.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87reob/wisdom_beauty_or_money/
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How do nuns get to and from church?

Mass transit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87renv/how_do_nuns_get_to_and_from_church/
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Students are smart

Chemistry Professor: Now, class, here I have a beaker of H2SO4, and here I have a gold ring. Suppose I drop the ring into the sulphuric acid. Will the gold dissolve?
Student: No
Professor: Good. And will you please tell us why not?
Student: If it would dissolve, you wouldn’t put it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87re04/students_are_smart/
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I hate when people asking me what I’m going to be doing in 2 years

Come on guys, I don’t have 2020 vision!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rcjf/i_hate_when_people_asking_me_what_im_going_to_be/
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A blind man walks into a bar...

...and a table, and a stool then falls down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ratd/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."
The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."
So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise.
The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy  gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise."
So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"
The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87rai5/two_guys_are_walking_through_the_woods_one_day/
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What is Mike Tyson's favorite element?

None of your Bismuth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87r9ds/what_is_mike_tysons_favorite_element/
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Which subreddit does Scooby Doo go to when he messes up

r/oops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87r97i/which_subreddit_does_scooby_doo_go_to_when_he/
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Why do hipsters always have to go back home to change into more suitable clothes

Because they went outside before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87r967/why_do_hipsters_always_have_to_go_back_home_to/
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I couldn’t figure out why my Twitter feed only showed videos of Ex vice presidents dancing.

Turns out it’s just the Al gore rhythm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87r8dp/i_couldnt_figure_out_why_my_twitter_feed_only/
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I'm thinking to name my penis Albert

It has a nice ring to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87r7ck/im_thinking_to_name_my_penis_albert/
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If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22...

Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87r6cs/if_you_miss_the_alarm_for_420_wait_for_422/
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Three Irish Men in a Fire

There are three Irish men, Paddy, John and Seamus.
Every night these three men go to the pub together until one night there was a terrible fire and Paddy is burnt to death.
The local police department call John and Seamus to identify the body.
One at a time they can called in to the see the body.
John walks in and is shown the body. "Oh my goodness its dreadful, I can barely see who that it" He pauses and asks "can you turn him over for me?" The coroner looks confused but does it anyway. On seeing the back John exclaims, "Thank goodness that isn't Paddy!" And walks out.
It's then Seamus's turn to see the body so the coroner calls him in.
Once again Seamus gets upset, "Oh. This is horrible he is so burnt I can not see who it is" a moment passes and Seamus asks, "Can you turn him over?"
The coroner is bermused but obliges.
On seeing the back Seamus exclaims "Thank Jesus that isn't him!"
The coroner asks Seamus, "I have to ask how on earth can you both tell it isn't him from looking at him from behind?!"
Seamus replies "It's quite simple really, every night we would go to the pub and people who say "here comes Paddy with his two assholes" and clearly that man only has one!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87r4vl/three_irish_men_in_a_fire/
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My grandfather saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that it would sink, but no one listened

He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87r30d/my_grandfather_saw_the_titanic_and_he_warned/
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While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball...

and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the blonde girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87r258/while_out_one_morning_in_the_park_a_jogger_found/
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Niche joke for us academics...

The Devil was wandering through the Physics building late one night when he happened upon the lab of a hard-working assistant professor.
“Could I interest you in a deal?” the devil asked. “Suppose I fix things so that for the next ten years you publish every piece of research you do, ground-breaking papers ever one of them. Top students clamber to work in your lab, Harvard Yale fight to hire you, you’re right at the top of the list for the Nobel Prize. But at the end of the ten years your wife will be miserable, your kids will hardly recognize you, and you won’t have a friend in the world. What would you say to that?”
The Physicist thought for a moment, and then gave the devil a very skeptical look. “okay, come out with it—what’s the catch???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qzmo/niche_joke_for_us_academics/
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The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qynb/the_worlds_leading_expert_on_european_wasps_walks/
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We found out our child is allergic to cats

We’ve sent it to a hospice and we will try to get another one.
After all, not every child will be allergic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qx2w/we_found_out_our_child_is_allergic_to_cats/
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To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide but you can’t run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qvdr/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_that_stole_my/
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What dessert best describes your girlfriend after a workout?

Sorbet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qur4/what_dessert_best_describes_your_girlfriend_after/
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"How can you call me a slut!?" yelled my girlfriend during our fight. "I've only slept with seven men!"

I snarled, "Look, can we finish this when they've gone!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qtir/how_can_you_call_me_a_slut_yelled_my_girlfriend/
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Virginity is like a car..

Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qssa/virginity_is_like_a_car/
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What does DNA stand for?

THe National Dyslexics Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qpz7/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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What's the difference between your dentist and a philosopher?

Your dentist helps you solve molar dilemmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qobh/whats_the_difference_between_your_dentist_and_a/
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I read that a banana a day, helps to keep your colon clean...

I just wish someone had told me I was supposed to eat them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qoal/i_read_that_a_banana_a_day_helps_to_keep_your/
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A guy asked his crush to prom, and to his surprise, she said yes! The day before prom, he gets ready for the exciting day.

First, he goes to the tuxedo store to rent a tux, there was a huge line and he finally got the tux after 30 minutes. Next, he goes to the flower shop to buy a bouquet of flowers. There was an even longer line and he waited for 60 minutes to finally get the flowers. Finally, he went to the car shop to rent a limousine. The line lasted 90 minutes and he finally rented a white limousine. On the day of prom, he wears his tuxedo, drives the limousine, and gives the flowers to his crush. At prom, his crush asked him to go grab her a drink. He walks over to the punch table, there is no punchline...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qnsb/a_guy_asked_his_crush_to_prom_and_to_his_surprise/
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Darts Team

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department..... very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qn6v/darts_team/
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The stripes of a higway had to be painted, so the manager of the company puts an ad looking for a painter

.
The same day a young man goes to the manager's office.
-Here you have your brush and your bucket of white paint. You'll do this day as a test, if you do well enough, you'll be hired
The man starts to work, and the next day he goes to the office.
-How did it go?- Asks the manager
-I did 10 km.
-Well, congratulations, you're in! Lets get to work!
The next day passes and the young man goes back to the manager's office.
-Today i did 1 km.
"He must have had a hard day, today he'll do more." Thinks the manager, and so passes another day.
But the third day, the young man goes to the office, and says he has only painted 10 meters.
-How can it be?-Asks the manager- The fist day I was marveled, nobody had painted so much road on a sinngle day; the second day i could forgive you, but today? Unless you give me a good enough excuse i'll have to fire you. Why have you ony painted 10 meters?
-Sir, what do you want me to do, if every day the pant bucket is further away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qm2s/the_stripes_of_a_higway_had_to_be_painted_so_the/
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Son:Dad, why is my sister's name "Amy"?

Son: Dad, why is my sister's name "Amy"?
Dad: Because its an anagram for "May", the favorite month of your mother.
Son: Thanks for the help ,dad.
Dad: No problem, Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qkln/sondad_why_is_my_sisters_name_amy/
%
What does a grape say after it's stepped on?

Nothing.. It just lets out a little wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qgqh/what_does_a_grape_say_after_its_stepped_on/
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[NSFW] Alligator joke

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you.".
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qdur/nsfw_alligator_joke/
%
A man calls the IRS office

"Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on the cheque you sent me for my tax return, you've written it as cyirwu."
"I'm sorry about that, could you spell it out for me?"
"Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u, and Y as in you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qdpn/a_man_calls_the_irs_office/
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Scientific research has proven that 90% of highschool students don't pay attention in class

Other 10% don't come to school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qcas/scientific_research_has_proven_that_90_of/
%
My friend was in a comma

The doctor said "Do you mean coma?" and I replied "No, it's just a  short rest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87qc95/my_friend_was_in_a_comma/
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First time in jail. Nsfw

Large cell mate: Do you want to be the husband or the wife?
Me: I'll be the husband.
Large cell mate: Good, get over here and suck your wife's dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87q9ts/first_time_in_jail_nsfw/
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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87q6al/call_me_a_racist_if_you_want_but_south_of_the/
%
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are sitting together and talking in a park when Jesus walks by.

The priest asks Him, "Are you really Jesus Christ?" He replies, "Yes, I am. How can I help you?" The priest says, "Well, Lord, I was involved in a very bad car accident a few years ago. Ever since then, I've been in severe pain. I can't stand up straight, and I'm unable to walk without this cane. Can you heal me?" Jesus reaches out to the priest, places His hand on his shoulder, and says, "You are healed, my son." The priest stands up, throws away his cane, and jumps around; "I haven't felt this great in years! Thank you, Jesus!"
The pastor next says to Him, "Jesus, for years I have had a bad case of psoriasis. My skin has been getting worse over time, and the pain is becoming unbearable. Can you heal me, too?" Jesus reaches out to the pastor, places His had on his shoulder, and says "You are healed, my son." The pastor's skin immediately clears up and is now smooth and soft; "Praise the Lord! My skin looks great now, and I'm no longer in pain! Thank you, Jesus!"
Jesus turns to the rabbi and reaches out his hand. The rabbi immediately reels back and yells, "Don't touch me! I'm on disability!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87q40b/a_priest_a_pastor_and_a_rabbi_are_sitting/
%
What does a dyslexic gay guy love most?

Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87q34h/what_does_a_dyslexic_gay_guy_love_most/
%
What do a vegan and a pervert have in common?

They both get excited then they see a chickpea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87q31x/what_do_a_vegan_and_a_pervert_have_in_common/
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Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.

There is a three year waiting list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87q29a/homosexuality_in_russia_is_a_crime_and_the/
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What is the difference between pussy hair and parsley?

Nothing.... Push it to the side and keep eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87q1go/what_is_the_difference_between_pussy_hair_and/
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What can be smelt and heard from twenty miles away?

My son playing Call of Duty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87q0z9/what_can_be_smelt_and_heard_from_twenty_miles_away/
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What do you call a midget psychic on the run from the law?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pzma/what_do_you_call_a_midget_psychic_on_the_run_from/
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I might have an open casket funeral...

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pysh/i_might_have_an_open_casket_funeral/
%
How do the russians say there is no internet?

Interniet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pvsu/how_do_the_russians_say_there_is_no_internet/
%
I heard prisoners in jail get drunk alot

They hang around bars 24/7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pvfi/i_heard_prisoners_in_jail_get_drunk_alot/
%
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...

“That’s just spam.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pt21/i_got_an_email_saying_at_google_earth_we_can_read/
%
It's sad, really.

I've seen less of my dad since the amputation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pt0r/its_sad_really/
%
My dad text me saying, "Don't try to be someone you're not."

It hurt when he added, "Oops, forgot the comma after 'someone'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87prkl/my_dad_text_me_saying_dont_try_to_be_someone/
%
A man is on the beach taking a walk and sees a women with no arms or legs.

She is crying, he walks over and asks whats wrong. She replies "i have no arms i've never been hugged". He picks her up and hugs her.
The next day he sees her crying again and asks what's wrong. She says "no one will kiss me". He picks her up and kisses her.
The next day once again she is crying. He asks whats wrong. She replies "No one will screw me" he picks her up and throws her in the ocean then shouts "Now your screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87prh9/a_man_is_on_the_beach_taking_a_walk_and_sees_a/
%
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue

I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87prbe/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
«I dont like tacos»

-Said no Juan ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pqn2/i_dont_like_tacos/
%
A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.

On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said, "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a footstool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride to town and pick up women..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pq3b/a_captain_in_the_foreign_legion_was_transferred/
%
I think my dad wants me to be more at one with nature.

He keeps driving me way out into the woods and leaving me there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pmz6/i_think_my_dad_wants_me_to_be_more_at_one_with/
%
A blonde walks into a store

She sees a TV within her price range and tells the salesperson "I'd like to buy this TV"
"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes."
She decides to go home and dye her hair black and returns the next day to buy the TV.
Once again.. "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes."
Desperate for a new TV,  she goes home and dyes her hair red.
She enters the store the next day with confidence that she'll finally be able to buy a new TV.
Once again the salesperson told her "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes."
Not understanding how she could possibly be denied after all she's done, she asks: "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Well, because that's not a TV, that's a microwave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pmrv/a_blonde_walks_into_a_store/
%
The key of C takes its relative to the bar and orders them both a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve A minor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pkuq/the_key_of_c_takes_its_relative_to_the_bar_and/
%
Millenials.

Walking around like they rent the place!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pkpz/millenials/
%
Legend says that if you stand in front of the mirror in your room at 3 and say "Bloody Mary" loudly

Then your mom will appear, throw sandals at you and tell you to shut the hell up and go to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pi1r/legend_says_that_if_you_stand_in_front_of_the/
%
Doctor, I think I have Tom Jones disease

Dr: it’s not unusual...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pgbc/doctor_i_think_i_have_tom_jones_disease/
%
What happens when Stevie Wonder tries to shave himself?

Stevie Nicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pdln/what_happens_when_stevie_wonder_tries_to_shave/
%
My wife caught me Cross-dressing....

So I packed her shit and left!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pcw0/my_wife_caught_me_crossdressing/
%
I was going to make a game where you play a death-defying, cross-dressing little person.

But I see you guys hate micro trans action.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87pbr0/i_was_going_to_make_a_game_where_you_play_a/
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Baby, if you were a car, you’d be a Maserati…

Because you’re high maintenance, spend all my money to supposedly make me look good, but really everyone couldn’t care less, and you’re not that great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87p7ot/baby_if_you_were_a_car_youd_be_a_maserati/
%
A guy sits next to a blind man in a bar.

"have you always been blind" he asked.
"oh no, i had a really bad fever one day. It was so bad that you could cook eggs on my forehead."
"So the fever made you go blind?"
"no the eggs went into my eyes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87p5k6/a_guy_sits_next_to_a_blind_man_in_a_bar/
%
So this frog goes into this Bank

He walks up to the counter and says "I'd like to take out a loan". The bank teller, who's name is Patty, argues with him, saying; "I cant authorize that, you're a frog, you don't have any collateral we can claim against you in the event of you not paying us back". The frog says; "look Patty, my dad is Mick Jagger. I'm pretty sure I'm good for paying you back." The teller says; "Even if your dad is Mick Jagger, we still need personal property as collateral." The frog pulls a little brass spinning top out of his pocket at places it on the counter. Patty picks it up, and calls the head teller over to consult. She says: "this frog came in asking for a loan, and all he has as collateral is this top. He claims his dad is Mick Jagger, and that should be enough to secure him." The head teller looks at the frog, looks at Patty, and says;
"That's a knick-knack, patty-whack. Give that frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87p5gz/so_this_frog_goes_into_this_bank/
%
A man goes out into the woods to go hunting,

He finishes unloading his gear into a cabin and promptly goes out to to begin hunting. He finds a suitable spot and begins to look through his sights. Within minutes the man spots a bear. He lines the bear up in his sights and pulls the trigger. He misses. He sees the bear walk over to him and he begins to tremble. The bear reaches the man and says "either you let me fuck you, or i'll tear you to pieces". The man lets the bear have his way with him and once the bears finished, the man goes back to his cabin. The next day he goes out to the same spot and sights the same bear. Once again he lines the bear up in his sights and pulls the trigger. He misses again. The bear comes over to him and gives him the same proposition. The man once again has sex with the bear. On the third day, the man sees the same bear again. Once again he lines the bear up in the scope of his rifle, pulls the trigger and once again he misses. The bear comes over to the man and says "You're not here for the hunting are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87p3cl/a_man_goes_out_into_the_woods_to_go_hunting/
%
If you could be a girl for a day....

What would you do after masturbating?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87p2ii/if_you_could_be_a_girl_for_a_day/
%
A man amd his wife walk into a store and the wife steals a jar of peaches

Loss prevention catches her however, and pulls them aside to wait for a police officer to show up. Upon arrival, he is told what happened and handed the jar. He then counts how many slices of peach there are, for she is to spend a week in jail for each one. In this case 6. The officer then pulls out the paper on which to write up the report, but just as he begins to fill it out, the husband exclaims, "Wait! She stole a can of peas too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87p1bw/a_man_amd_his_wife_walk_into_a_store_and_the_wife/
%
What do you call a bunny that sings supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?

Mary Hoppins
By the way, not to brag, but I got that spelling right without Googling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87p0xm/what_do_you_call_a_bunny_that_sings/
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A Bear Walks Into A Bar.

A bear walks into a bar in Montana
Bartender says: We don't serve bears beer in this here bar in Montana.
Bear says: Give me a beer, or I'm going to eat that girl at the end of the bar.
Bartender: We don't serve bears beer in this here bar in Montana.
Bear walks to the end of the bar and eats the girl. When he is done, he returns to the bartender: Give me a Beer!
Bartender: We don't serve Drug addicts beer in this here bar in Montana
Bear:???? Come again?
Bartender: What about that Barbiturate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87p0ja/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man recently overdosed on Viagra...

His wife is taking it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87owh1/a_man_recently_overdosed_on_viagra/
%
So there's this big game hunter...

He was getting up there in age, so he decided he was going to go on one last trophy hunt for something he didn't have, a polar bear.
This hunter traveled up north and is talking to an inuit tribe. He says he wants to go after the largest part bear they've seen.
One man says, "Six feet from snout to tail."
The hunter says, "No, that's too small"
Another Inuk speaks up, "Eight feet!"
"No, too small"
"Ten feet!"
"No, too small"
"Twelve feet!"
"No, too small"
At least the elder of the village speaks up, "Sixteen feet is the largest bear around here."
The hunter taken aback by the size of the bear says, "That's perfect! Where can I find it?"
The hunter was given directions by the wider and is out looking for the beast. Suddenly he feels hot breath down the back of his neck, slowly turning around he sees a giant 16 foot long polar bear.
Scared for his life he starts running across the ice field. Next thing he knows he's sprawled out on the ice, his foot stuck in a crack, and just like in the movies his gun sitters away across the ice.
Knowing there is no escape the hunter gets on his knees and starts to pray, "God, please let this be a spiritual bear, please let this be a spiritual bear!"
Noticing he is still alive he turns to where the bear was and sees the bear in its knees saying, "Thank you Lord for this wonderful meal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ouk4/so_theres_this_big_game_hunter/
%
why don’t cows wear shoes?

because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ougc/why_dont_cows_wear_shoes/
%
I just got a job crushing pop cans....

It’s Soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ou67/i_just_got_a_job_crushing_pop_cans/
%
A string walks into a bar...

(New Redditor here.)
A string walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."
"Huh?" asks the string.
"I said we don't serve strings in here."
The string turns around and heads back outside. Thinking quickly, he ties himself in a knot, roughs up his hair a bit, and walks back inside the bar.
"Hey!" says the bartender, "aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?"
"No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87orcw/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
%
how do you wake up lady gaga

u poker face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87opjn/how_do_you_wake_up_lady_gaga/
%
I hear prisoners in jail get drunk a lot

They hang around bars 24/7.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87oo53/i_hear_prisoners_in_jail_get_drunk_a_lot/
%
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?"

"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87oo3a/dad_i_dont_want_to_go_to_school_today_said_the/
%
I missed class due to hypothermia...

I was too cool for school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ol3z/i_missed_class_due_to_hypothermia/
%
What is red and can't climb trees?

Paul Walker's Porsche

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87okqe/what_is_red_and_cant_climb_trees/
%
I held the door open for a clown today.

I thought it was a good jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ohio/i_held_the_door_open_for_a_clown_today/
%
Other than that, how was the play,

Mrs. Lincoln?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ofwt/other_than_that_how_was_the_play/
%
A farmer kept getting water melons stolen, so one day he puts a sign up that says 'one of these watermelons is poisoned' next day he gets up and goes out to work in his watermelon patch and sees another sign

'now there are two'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87oe0y/a_farmer_kept_getting_water_melons_stolen_so_one/
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What did the young, privileged, and naive crustacean say to the other crustacean?

“I don’t sea shells”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87obeb/what_did_the_young_privileged_and_naive/
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What’s Hitler’s favorite drink.

Concentrated Orange Jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87o9ws/whats_hitlers_favorite_drink/
%
Three Fencers Walk Into a Bar.

Looking around, they see the bartender telling a drunk customer to get out, that he's had too many. The customer goes to punch the bartender, but before he can land the hit the bartender grabs his head and smashes it into the granite countertop, breaking the drunkard's nose.
The police show up, and learning they were witnesses ask the fencers--an epeeist, foilist, and sabreist--whether they thought the bartender was acting in self-defense. The foilist, twirling his moustache dramatically, quips "The whole affair was so boring that  neither could have possibly attacked, arrest neither one of them." The epeeist, patiently waiting through the foilist's monologue, blurts out "Both hits were within 10.95 milliseconds of each other, so both attacked: arrest both of them!" The sabreist, smiling the whole time, passes the police a note. It reads, "Arrest the granite".  When the police look at him quizzically, he says "What? It was obviously a counter attack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87o9va/three_fencers_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I was addicted to hokey pokey

until I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87o6sa/i_was_addicted_to_hokey_pokey/
%
Whats the difference between stormtroopers haveing a party and mushrooms being picked?

One's bad guys having a fun time the other ones fungi having a bad time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87o5w6/whats_the_difference_between_stormtroopers/
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Did you hear about the guy with five dicks?

His pants fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87o3wg/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_five_dicks/
%
Can a quantum computer run Crysis?

yes and no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87nxzy/can_a_quantum_computer_run_crysis/
%
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87nxei/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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Blonde Joke!

Blonde walks into a dry cleaner with her sweater and asks the clerk how much it would cost to get the stain out.  The clerk didn’t hear her turns to her and says come again? The blonde giggles and says no it’s just mustard this time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87nu19/blonde_joke/
%
A guy said to god

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87nqnh/a_guy_said_to_god/
%
Kids these days...

A bunch of kids are playing football when someone kicks the ball over the fence through the window of the neighbour's house (breaking it in the process). No one wants to go and get the ball back since the owner is very strict, so they pick the kid who has the best manners to go and apologise.
...
The house owner opens the door and the kid can tell he's already cross, so he starts apologising straight away, "We're terribly sorry Mr Johnson, for breaking your window, but it was an accident. We were playing football when Barry miscalculated the trajectory of his kick so it ended up breaking your window. Can you please forgive us and give our ball back".
Mr Johnson's pretty taken aback by the courteousness of the kid, so he calls over his wife, "Jane, you have to come here and listen to this!" Then he turns to the kid, "These days kids don't have manners anymore, but you son, we'll I am pleasantly surprised, repeat what you just said to my wife".
...
The kid starts off again, "We're quite terribly sorry ma'am, for breaking your window. You see we were playing football in the park next to your house, and then as Barry was preparing to take his shot, he miscalculated the trajectory and kicked the ball across the fence to your property, breaking your window. It was an accident you see. Can you please forgive us and give our ball back, we'll even pitch in to fix the window. Please ma'am".
Mr Johnson's wife, like her husband is so shocked by the politeness of the kid that she calls her father over, "Father, can you please come to the front door, you have to hear this. Remember how you always complain that kids these days have no manners...?"
...
The kid starts off again, "Oh for fuck's sake, you can keep the fucking ball you poncy pricks!".
---
Thank you, I'm here all night!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87nld3/kids_these_days/
%
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ng4h/a_taxi_passenger_tapped_the_driver_on_the/
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What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87newl/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
There’s finally a new Back to the Future movie...

It’s about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87nesp/theres_finally_a_new_back_to_the_future_movie/
%
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.

Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87n1pk/i_took_my_biology_exam_last_friday_i_was_asked_to/
%
I got a pair of jeans for a buck

Idk what it wanted jeans for, but I'm a charitable friend to animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87n0cu/i_got_a_pair_of_jeans_for_a_buck/
%
How many Freudian psychologists does it take it change a light bulb?

One to hold the ladder and the other to screw ~~your mother~~ it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mz8a/how_many_freudian_psychologists_does_it_take_it/
%
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench

when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them. One old lady immediately had a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mz5w/two_old_ladies_were_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first two order bloody marys, but the third vampire only asks for water.
"Why water?" asked the other two.
The third one pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mx1u/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mwb6/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

... He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87muv1/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_constipated/
%
A man dies and is sent to hell.

Satan greets him and shows him a series of doors. "While our job is to torture you and make you suffer for all eternity, we also treating our guests well. Hence, we would like to offer you a choice in how you would like to be tortured," said the devil.
Satan opens the first door and through the doorway, the man sees a line of people in a row, shackled in chains. A demon stands in front of each of them and repeatedly kicks them in the groin. "This looks rather painful," the man says. "Can I see my other options please?"
With a snap of his fingers, the door closes and Satan opens the next door. Through the door way, he sees another line of people in chains. There is also a demon standing next to each person, but this time, each demon is whacking their prisoner in the head with a baseball bat. "This looks even worse than before!" the man exclaimed. "Can I try the next room please?"
With another snap of his fingers, the devil closes the door and opens the next one. This time, the man was surprised to see another line of chained prisoners, but this time there were no demons in the room. Each of the prisoners are looking battered and bruised. "Oh, I'm afraid we are a bit short-staffed at the moment," Satan explains. "The demons running the room have probably gone for a lunch break. If you like, I can show you our next torture room?"
"Actually, I might try my luck with this room," the man replies.
"As you wish." As Satan snaps his fingers, the man suddenly finds himself chained with the other prisoners in the room.
After a few hours of waiting, the demons in charge of the room finally return. These demons however were the biggest, baddest and meanest demons the man had ever seen. Each demon had enormous biceps and fists the size of watermelons. "Ye gods! What kind of the torture room is this?" the terrified man asked the prisoner he was chained next to.
"Didn't you know?" the other prisoner replied.
"This is the punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mu7k/a_man_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
%
How do you turn a duck in to a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mrni/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_in_to_a_soul_singer/
%
When I heard you could be a sperm donor by post...

...I came in a jiffy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mpfs/when_i_heard_you_could_be_a_sperm_donor_by_post/
%
My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university...

I will spend my days asking philosophy students “Who are you, and why are you here?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mnya/my_next_job_i_want_to_be_the_security_guard_at/
%
What do you call a group of 8 cats?

Octopus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mkks/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_8_cats/
%
Ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska...

Shes been cold and distant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mjy4/ever_since_my_girlfriend_moved_to_alaska/
%
Why does the Norwegian navy have Barcodes on the side of their ships?

So they can Scandinavian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mihj/why_does_the_norwegian_navy_have_barcodes_on_the/
%
I need help guys, I was driking last night.

We had five beers, some vodka, rum and ended it with whiskey. I was totally drunk, so I decided to leave my car there and take a bus. From the bus I saw the police stopping cars and I was so glad I was in a bus. Then I came home.
There is the problem: I have a bus in front of my house and I don't know what to do with it. Please help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mhr2/i_need_help_guys_i_was_driking_last_night/
%
What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu?

Raichu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mgze/what_did_raichu_say_when_it_saw_pikachu/
%
What are Mexican proteins made of?

Amigo-acids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mgrd/what_are_mexican_proteins_made_of/
%
What dip do ducks favour the most?

Quakamole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mf8w/what_dip_do_ducks_favour_the_most/
%
I was wondering why my hamster was so fat...

Then it became a parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87mcw9/i_was_wondering_why_my_hamster_was_so_fat/
%
My therapist told me to write letters to people I hate and then burn them

I did. Now I don't know what to do with these letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ma2d/my_therapist_told_me_to_write_letters_to_people_i/
%
I’m making a movie about meiosis

It’s going to be rated R
Why?
Because sex cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87m9rt/im_making_a_movie_about_meiosis/
%
one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend before an nfl game tbh, when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend .Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87m7rt/one_night_i_was_about_to_propose_to_my_girlfriend/
%
What do you call a group of platonic bulls?

Brovines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87m6de/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_platonic_bulls/
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What happened to E?

Detective: What happened to E?
Pathologist: Looking at the remains’ bone structures, all I can tell you is that E had to be a guy.
Detective: I guess that makes this case about a Mister E.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87m57c/what_happened_to_e/
%
A woman came into the police station sobbing. "A ghost has taken control of my husband" she cried.

The officer took her statement and conferred with his partner. He turned back to the woman and said confidently, "Dont worry about it, we deal with this kind of thing all the time, possession is 9/10ths of the law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87m2so/a_woman_came_into_the_police_station_sobbing_a/
%
My review of my time in the world's first heatless room:

It was 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87lzdw/my_review_of_my_time_in_the_worlds_first_heatless/
%
If opposite of pro is con. Then opposite of progress is congress...

By this logic Constitution will turn into Prostituition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87lz82/if_opposite_of_pro_is_con_then_opposite_of/
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A man was walking through Northern Ireland in 1975

Someone in a mask came up behind him and put a knife against his throat. “Are you Catholic or Protestant?” he shouted.
The man realised if he said he was Catholic and his assailant was Protestant, he was dead. Likewise, if he said he was Protestant and his assailant was Catholic, he was dead. After some quick thinking, he came up with a smart answer.
“I’m Jewish!” he said quickly.
The attacker replied “Wow, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87lyh4/a_man_was_walking_through_northern_ireland_in_1975/
%
There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those who understand binary, and those who are actually normal human beings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87lwcw/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
I got kicked out of the swimming pool today.

Apparently the breast stroke isn’t what I thought it was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87lv0u/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_swimming_pool_today/
%
A circus owner was in need of a lion tamer.

There was 2 people for the job: an old man, with 60 years old, and an amazing looking blonde, with 25 years old.
The circus owner said to the candidates:
- I'm gonna straight to the issue. My lion is very fierce. Or you're really good, or you won't last one minute. It's here a whip and a stool. Who wants to go in first?
The blonde said:
- I want!
She ignores the whip and the stool and enters the cage. The lion roars and runs towards the blonde. When he's one meter away, the blonde takes her dress and becomes naked, showing her perfect body. The lion stops.
The lion lays down in front of the blond and starts licking. He starts from the foot and goes way up, licking everthing. Then, he lays down, close to the blonde's feet.
The owner of the circus is very surprised. Never seen something like that before. He looks to the old man and says:
- Can you do the same thing?
The old man answers:
- Of course! Just remove the lion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87lp7j/a_circus_owner_was_in_need_of_a_lion_tamer/
%
My girlfriend likes to tie me to the bed and cover me in chocolate and caramel

She’s a dominatwix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87lo5d/my_girlfriend_likes_to_tie_me_to_the_bed_and/
%
A man enters the super-market with his son.

Upon entering he immediately proceeds to buy Lobsters and butter. After carting this up he goes into the vegetable aisle to buy a side for his dinner when his son notices a woman standing alone.
“My dad has crabs!” He shouts at her.
The father turns red with embarrassment and tells his son that they’re called Lobsters and bolts out of the aisle as soon as he carts his vegetables.
Next he goes to pick up milk and is greeted by a friendly worker.
His son sees the worker and shouts,
“My dad has crabs!”
The father is getting angrier now and tells his son in a stern tone, “they’re called lobsters.”
Next they go through the check-out and immediately upon seeing the cashier, his son shouts, “My dad has crabs!”
The father, now furious screams at his son, “They’re called Lobsters. LOBSTERS!”
He storms out of the super-market and goes back home.
While the father is cooking the lobster the child asks him very disappointedly, “Why do we have to eat lobster again!.”
The dad slowly turns around and says,
“Because you can’t keep your fucking mouth shut.”
Side note: might be long and bad, but it is an original.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87lne1/a_man_enters_the_supermarket_with_his_son/
%
I want to die the same way my grandpa did: peacefully sleeping

Not like those poor passengers in the car he was driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87lncl/i_want_to_die_the_same_way_my_grandpa_did/
%
Today I lost two things..

..my virginity and my job at the morgue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87lm1k/today_i_lost_two_things/
%
How come erotic games are always digital downloads?

I just want a physical release.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87llf1/how_come_erotic_games_are_always_digital_downloads/
%
My brother has been working on a belt with a built in digital clock.

Talk about a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87llcx/my_brother_has_been_working_on_a_belt_with_a/
%
Charles ran a successful fur business in early 20th century New York.

He was always humane about the treatment of his animals before they were killed and made sure the rest of the animal didn't go to waste. However, rather than making a massive profit, he'd often donate warm fur clothes to poorer children. He lived comfortably, but always tried to maintain his philanthropic endeavors.
Unfortunately, animal rights protestor started vandalizing his property until one night they released all the foxes he needed to make clothes. He was ruined, as he didn't have enough capital to start over. Worse, the temperatures were dropping, at the cost of the downtrodden.
Frustrated, Charles tears off all his clothes. And runs down the street screaming obscenities about the people who ruined him into the late hours of the night. His friends tried to stop him. They implored him to think of his friends, family, and reputation and how this behavior would affect him.
He responds, "They ruined my business and I have no fox to give."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87lkn8/charles_ran_a_successful_fur_business_in_early/
%
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water

It's going to take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87lgx1/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_pot_of_boiling_water/
%
A new study shows that dolphins are second in intelligence to man...

Guess that puts women in third.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87le9u/a_new_study_shows_that_dolphins_are_second_in/
%
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87lapw/give_a_man_a_fish_he_eats_for_a_day_teach_a_man/
%
Why can't Ken and Barbie make a baby?

Ken comes in a separate box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87l9qo/why_cant_ken_and_barbie_make_a_baby/
%
Did you hear about the Spanish speaking magician?

He counted from uno to dos and disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87l3no/did_you_hear_about_the_spanish_speaking_magician/
%
Australians don’t have sex...

They mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87l3lj/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
I used to hate going to church as a kid, with all the standing and kneeling...

I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87l3f4/i_used_to_hate_going_to_church_as_a_kid_with_all/
%
That's the last time I eat seafood.

It made me feel a bit...eel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87l2i8/thats_the_last_time_i_eat_seafood/
%
Why’d it take so long for the two legged cat to cross the road?

It had two paws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87kzmm/whyd_it_take_so_long_for_the_two_legged_cat_to/
%
Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"

Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.
&nbsp;
\**Wife rolls eyes*\*
&nbsp;
Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."
&nbsp;
\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*
&nbsp;
Husband (under his breath): "See? Effortless."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87kx96/wife_why_are_the_dishes_still_in_the_sink/
%
Well my son is...

A few Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter Square, Rome. The first Catholic man tells his friends,
“My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Grace.”
The third Catholic man says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says “Your Eminence”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well…?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter. She is slim, tall, and has measurements of 36D-24-36.”
When she walks into a room, people say “Oh…my…God!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87kx5g/well_my_son_is/
%
Operation barbarossa Was never going to work

There were too many red flags along the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87kwl0/operation_barbarossa_was_never_going_to_work/
%
A vacuum cleaner company removed their latest model from stores a week after launch,

All user reviews said that it sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87kwi0/a_vacuum_cleaner_company_removed_their_latest/
%
I have proof that God is black

Everyone refers to him as “father”, but no one’s ever seen him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ku7o/i_have_proof_that_god_is_black/
%
What's the difference between falling from the 1st and the 10th floor?

The former goes "Splat.....Ahhh!" and the latter goes "Ahhhhhhhh...........Splat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87kn6m/whats_the_difference_between_falling_from_the_1st/
%
Three kids walk into a classroom...

The White girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 45 minutes
The Asian girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 35 minutes
The Mexican girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 5 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87kmfg/three_kids_walk_into_a_classroom/
%
What do you call a man that is missing his left testicle?

A Right Bollocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87khw4/what_do_you_call_a_man_that_is_missing_his_left/
%
A bad workman blames his fools.

*edit: tools. Stupid keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87khpz/a_bad_workman_blames_his_fools/
%
Apple put an end to the black market..

With that *Space Gray market*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87khle/apple_put_an_end_to_the_black_market/
%
What's sexually transmitted and has a 100% death rate?

Life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87kg9c/whats_sexually_transmitted_and_has_a_100_death/
%
The chicken farmer

A chicken farmer stopped in local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a  glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me. I am  celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.'
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my  gynaecologist told me that at last I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all  of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?''
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87kc9v/the_chicken_farmer/
%
Frankenstein enters a body building competition...

...and finds that he has seriously misunderstood the objective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87kbbq/frankenstein_enters_a_body_building_competition/
%
Did you know that the entire highway system was originally proposed to be an elevated 'skyway'?

The lofty goal had to be brought back to earth when it couldn't get enough support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87k7vf/did_you_know_that_the_entire_highway_system_was/
%
My uncle told me this joke after coming from a trip from Mexico.

A man went on vacation to Mexico. He went to a restaurant and while eating saw a plate with two huge meat balls on it, he called over the waitress and asked "what is that dish you just served." And the waitress said "that is bull testicles, everyday we have 1 bull fight, if you want to eat it you have to reserve a day before." So he reserved the dish for the next day, he went there and ate it, he loved it but he called over the waitress and said "these are delicious but yesterday the balls where so big and today they are small, why is that" The waitress looked back with a sad face and said "the bull doesn't always lose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87k6pp/my_uncle_told_me_this_joke_after_coming_from_a/
%
I felt a toe brush against me whilst I was out swimming in the lake

I thought 'something must be afoot'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87k69u/i_felt_a_toe_brush_against_me_whilst_i_was_out/
%
Bad Facebook...

...you ate all my cookies and gave away the recipe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87k25z/bad_facebook/
%
If I had a penny for every time Donald Trump said something stupid,

I would have a small loan of a million dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87k0z7/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_time_donald_trump_said/
%
A lorry driver

is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87jvcl/a_lorry_driver/
%
Two guys are walking in the rain

A speeding car splashes them with water before disappearing.
One guy says to the other, “You know if this was Paris, they would stop, take you to their house, take your wet clothes, offer you drinks, and let you spend the night.”
“No way!” says the other guy.
“Yes way,” says the first guy. “It happened to my wife.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87jnss/two_guys_are_walking_in_the_rain/
%
A termite walks into a tavern and asks...

“Is the bar tender here?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87jnj7/a_termite_walks_into_a_tavern_and_asks/
%
My Boss: You're fired

Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My Boss: Where did you get those? You're a teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87jm3i/my_boss_youre_fired/
%
A dung beetle walks into a bar

He asks, “Is this stool taken?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87jm15/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."
The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."
The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87jjjs/two_men_are_waiting_for_appointments_with_their/
%
Mark zuckerberg and i were in a band once. We gave him a choice to play the melody, the harmony, or display our newsfeed in chronological order.

But no matter how much we didn't want him to, he kept insisting, "I'll go rhythms. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ji0w/mark_zuckerberg_and_i_were_in_a_band_once_we_gave/
%
I put the s-t-d in stud...

Now all I need is u.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87jg7o/i_put_the_std_in_stud/
%
Told my girlfriend that I've started writing a book about a serial killer that murders his lover.

She said, "That sounds exciting. I love thrillers."
I said, "It's not a thriller, it's an autobiography."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87jcr6/told_my_girlfriend_that_ive_started_writing_a/
%
Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87jc49/why_cant_helen_keller_drive/
%
A whale story

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87jbge/a_whale_story/
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What did Pi's wife say...

What did Pi's wife say to their therapist about Pi?
He's irrational and goes on and on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87jbe0/what_did_pis_wife_say/
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If I had a penny for every time someone said they think I have OCD...

I'd have 1,526 pennies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87jb90/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_time_someone_said_they/
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I ate a clock yesterday

It was very time consuming.  Especially when I went back for seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87jape/i_ate_a_clock_yesterday/
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Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87j9cv/past_present_and_future_all_walk_into_a_bar/
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A man walks into a lawyer's office...

The man says, "I can't afford your hourly rate, but if I give you $200 will you answer two questions for me?"
The lawyer says, "Absolutely - what is your second question?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87j75i/a_man_walks_into_a_lawyers_office/
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What do you call an unmarried Chinese woman?

Maiden China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87j5yx/what_do_you_call_an_unmarried_chinese_woman/
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Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks.  In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball.  In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick.  One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?"  The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87j5h5/dolphin_jokemade_it_up_myself_today/
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"I don't understand." The man said...

"They played 'Do the Hustle'. I did the Hustle...
They played 'Paint It Black'. I did that too...
They played 'Come On Eileen'. Now I'm here with you."
"I see," said the lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87j4ti/i_dont_understand_the_man_said/
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Why did the jalapeno wear a tiny jacket?

Because he was just a little chili.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87j2gj/why_did_the_jalapeno_wear_a_tiny_jacket/
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How can you check to see if someone is Ticklish?

Give them A Test Tickle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87j238/how_can_you_check_to_see_if_someone_is_ticklish/
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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
**Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while.
**Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87iv3d/i_got_fired_from_the_sperm_bank_yesterday/
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The US government has resorted to jailing political dissidents using fake accusations

Reports say they were arrested on Trump'ed up charges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87itsa/the_us_government_has_resorted_to_jailing/
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When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment...

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87iric/when_a_man_talks_dirty_to_a_woman_its_sexual/
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What do you call an atheist charity?

A non-prophet organization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ir7e/what_do_you_call_an_atheist_charity/
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It'd be great if I had a joke about a small ornamental bird made of oak...

...wooden tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ioxy/itd_be_great_if_i_had_a_joke_about_a_small/
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Whatever else he's done, Trump is serious about creating jobs.

The White House is always hiring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ikl1/whatever_else_hes_done_trump_is_serious_about/
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An American, a Frenchman, and A Japanese man are shipwrecked but spot a

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive.
The American dude has experience with carpentry, so they decide he will build them s shelter. The French gentleman is a pretty good cook, so they plan on him keeping them well fed. Eventually, they agree the Japanese guy will gather supplies.
After kicking for hours they finally reach the shoreline, completely exhausted. The Japanese dude gets up and sprints with deer-like speed into the jungle. The American and French dudes look at each other and shrug, then get to work.
By the following evening, the American and French dudes have a reasonable shelter, a reliable firepit, and have enjoyed a few good meals. They decide to go on a search for their friend.
Hours go by as they trek the thick jungle, no sign of their friend anywhere. Just as they are about to give up, they come across a school bus in the middle of the jungle! They cautiously enter it, hoping to find supplies, and wondering if it will make a good shelter.  As they enter the bus, the Japanese guy pops up behind the steering wheel and yells
"SUPPLIES! I'M THE BUS DRIVER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ihq5/an_american_a_frenchman_and_a_japanese_man_are/
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A sex addict had a nightmare...

...he dreamed he was being chaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87iftu/a_sex_addict_had_a_nightmare/
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A Spanish guy is shopping in London...

A Spanish man went into a clothing store where the salesperson only spoke English. Walking up to the nearest sales clerk, the man said, “Quiero calcetines, por favor.” The clerk shook his head and said, “I don’t speak Spanish.”
The sales clerk and the man walked around the store, the clerk pointing at jackets, sweaters, pants, and shoes, hoping to find what the Spanish man needed. Finally, the clerk pointed at a table of socks, and the Spanish man exclaimed, “Eso, si que es!” Wide-eyed, the sales clerk said, “If you could spell it, why didn’t you say so before!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ie1r/a_spanish_guy_is_shopping_in_london/
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Jesus is preparing for the Last Supper...

Jesus: Judas, I need you to go to each and every one of my disciples and tell them to meet me here for supper. Also, stop by the market and get some fish, vegetables, and a dessert. When you've come back and are done cooking, set up the table and our best plates.
Later that evening, while everyone is enjoying their food, Jesus begains in a somber tone, "One of you will betray me -
Judas: "Why do I have to do everything around here?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87idz6/jesus_is_preparing_for_the_last_supper/
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Why did the ants wait until the bear's favourite song came on before stealing his jelly?

Because nobody would understand what was going on when he yelled "YO! THAT'S MY JAM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ic75/why_did_the_ants_wait_until_the_bears_favourite/
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I have this sticker on my car

"Use your horn if you think i am sexy"
Sometimes i stop the car when the traffic light is green until I am happy enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87i9ad/i_have_this_sticker_on_my_car/
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I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%.

It's called /r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87i8rj/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_98/
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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens.

It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87i7hw/a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo_right_before/
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A police officer stops the local priest...

The police officer sees a car swerving to and fro, driving like an absolute madman, so of course, he stops the car. To his surprise, he finds who else but father Duffy at the wheel.
"Father Duffy, have you been drinking tonight?"
"Oh no, not a thing"
"Well I'm going to need you to take the sobriety test anyways"
"Oh don't you worry, I'm fine!"
Unsurprisingly, the priest completely fails the test, falling flat on his face, dropping his flask on the ground.
"Father Duffy, do you mind if I look inside this flask here"
"Oh go ahead lad, it's just water"
Sure enough it was wine.
"Are you sure about that sir? It smells positively of wine to me"
"My, a miracle! The good lord's done it again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87i7dy/a_police_officer_stops_the_local_priest/
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I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87i7db/i_cant_take_my_dog_to_the_park_because_the_ducks/
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I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon

That’s what happens when you cut corners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87i61p/i_once_tried_to_make_a_square_but_i_ended_up_with/
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I saw a Butterfly with no wings today...

I poured some Red Bull on it and BAM!!! It drowned!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87i4i6/i_saw_a_butterfly_with_no_wings_today/
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I don't know why millenials always complain about the job market after college

In the 15 years since I graduates I've held 5 entry level positions with every promotion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87i3t6/i_dont_know_why_millenials_always_complain_about/
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"Hey everybody I'm from the D.N.A"

The National Dyslexics Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87i2n5/hey_everybody_im_from_the_dna/
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My vampire girlfriend doesn't give me any space

She's always breathing down my neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87i1wn/my_vampire_girlfriend_doesnt_give_me_any_space/
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What does a house wear?

Address

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87i17h/what_does_a_house_wear/
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A dyslexic guy bought a Tesla.

He thought it’s a Steal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hv9z/a_dyslexic_guy_bought_a_tesla/
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Never trust a ladder.

They're always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87huur/never_trust_a_ladder/
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DRUG NAMES

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.  Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.  After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.  It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.  Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO
Thought for the day:  There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.  This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hs2a/drug_names/
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I called the hospital and pleaded, "Doctor! She's going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do!?" "Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hpsb/i_called_the_hospital_and_pleaded_doctor_shes/
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I can't believe I got fired just for taking a day off.

I am never working for a calendar company again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hpe5/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_just_for_taking_a_day/
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What do programmers do when something is stuck in their throat?

They hack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hp6y/what_do_programmers_do_when_something_is_stuck_in/
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There were three restaurants

on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87houk/there_were_three_restaurants/
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My girlfriend’s birthday is in two days.

And she told me “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring”.
So I bought her nothing and now she is mad at me for no reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hoos/my_girlfriends_birthday_is_in_two_days/
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between us, something smells!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hnsj/what_did_the_left_eye_say_to_the_right_eye/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger joined an Easter egg hunt but didn't find any eggs. His secretary asks "Does this mean you hate Easter now?"

He shakes his head and responds:
"I still love Easter baby."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hmvf/arnold_schwarzenegger_joined_an_easter_egg_hunt/
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A French guy...

...is showing me his yachts.
French: "This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six."
Me: "What about the 5th?"
French: "Cinq."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hmtg/a_french_guy/
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Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hml5/have_you_heard_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
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Today I realized that I am like batteries.

I'm never included in anything, either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hm5t/today_i_realized_that_i_am_like_batteries/
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If you run behind a car, you get exhausted.

But if you run in front of a car, you will get tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hm1w/if_you_run_behind_a_car_you_get_exhausted/
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Role playing can spice up your sex life.

Pretend to be someone who's good at sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hiew/role_playing_can_spice_up_your_sex_life/
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The Titanic

My grandfather knew from the beginning that the Titanic would sink. He warned everyone but no one would listen. He tried a few more times until he finally got kicked out of the cinema!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hg6n/the_titanic/
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If you drop your watch into poop...

You'll have a shitty time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hewa/if_you_drop_your_watch_into_poop/
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Legalising weed

My campaign for legalising weed is going well, I've placed posters everywhere, I call it _Propaganja_.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hdyb/legalising_weed/
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Who's the smartest member of the Army?

General Knowledge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hbca/whos_the_smartest_member_of_the_army/
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A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

The dog, who sees the animal's bones next to it, turns to them, licks his lips and says, "What a delicious tiger that was!"
The tiger hears the dog, panics, turns and runs away.
All the while there was a monkey sitting on the tree upstairs. The monkey, who wanted to flatter the tiger, ran to
him and told him how the dog had fooled him.
The tiger gets mad and orders the monkey to sit on his back to guide him back to the dog.
The dog, who sees the monkey and the tiger approaching and understands what has happened, hurries back to the bones and says, "Well, where is this monkey I sent to bring me another tiger?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87hae5/a_dog_walks_through_the_jungle_forests_when/
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I said to a fat girl today...

I said to a fat girl today,
"You're a big girl!"
She replied, "Tell me something I don't know."
I said, "Salad tastes nice"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ha7a/i_said_to_a_fat_girl_today/
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A tiger walks through the forest and suddenly sees a rare sight - a monkey throwing coconuts at a lion.

The tiger asks the lion, "Why do you let him do it?"
"Lets see you doing something," says the lion.
"No problem," replies the tiger. "Watch and learn."
The tiger leaps up and starts chasing the monkey, climbing the trees, the mountains, the hills, crossing the sands until they reach a narrow pipe.
The monkey enters and follows the tiger, the monkey comes out happily and the tiger gets stuck with his ass outside.
The calm monkey smiles and begins to stick the tiger in the ass for a day or two until the tiger loses weight and manages to get out.
The tiger walks in the forest humiliated and suddenly sees the lion.
"So how did it end?" The lion asked with a big smile.
"What a chase it was, in the trees, on the hills, on the mountains ..."
"Forget the nonsense," the lion interrupts. "Did he fuck you in the ass or not?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87h8jz/a_tiger_walks_through_the_forest_and_suddenly/
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How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

One...Ok, just one more...Maybe a third to be social...May as well make it a few more now, I've missed the last bus...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87h81f/how_many_alcoholics_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I was once asked how cool I think I am

So I said on a scale of one to ten, I'm an absolute zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87h6jh/i_was_once_asked_how_cool_i_think_i_am/
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If a woman sleeps with lots men, she's a slut. Though if a guy does the same....

...he's gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87h6bb/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_lots_men_shes_a_slut/
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When you get a bladder infection

urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87h60s/when_you_get_a_bladder_infection/
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A couple of priests were brainstorming ideas of how to get more women involved with the church.

They had a few ideas but Nun stood out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87h4t0/a_couple_of_priests_were_brainstorming_ideas_of/
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I got so many bitches and so many hoes.

Then again, it's unsurprising considering I'm a farmer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87h4pd/i_got_so_many_bitches_and_so_many_hoes/
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If a person who uses Youtube is a Youtuber and a person who uses Reddit is a Redditor. What do you call a person who uses 4chan?

A virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87h0l0/if_a_person_who_uses_youtube_is_a_youtuber_and_a/
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A couple was having sex...

**Man** Let's try anal once
**Woman** Fuck that shit!
**Man** That's the spirit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87gy33/a_couple_was_having_sex/
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I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person

That's how I lost my job as the bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87gvs0/i_gave_up_my_seat_on_the_bus_to_a_blind_person/
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Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?

The outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87guov/which_side_of_a_cheetah_has_the_most_spots/
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Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree?

Bloody good aren't they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87gu8s/have_you_ever_seen_an_elephant_hiding_in_a_tree/
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My friend is dating an Italian bricklayer.

It's cement to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87gtfl/my_friend_is_dating_an_italian_bricklayer/
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I bought a thesaurus yesterday but when I brought it home, all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87gswt/i_bought_a_thesaurus_yesterday_but_when_i_brought/
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Why did the balloon prices go up?

Because of inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87gs3f/why_did_the_balloon_prices_go_up/
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When was bed time at Kevin Spacey's house?

When the big hand touched the little hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87gdq7/when_was_bed_time_at_kevin_spaceys_house/
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You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87gct0/you_can_tell_monopoly_is_an_old_game/
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The woman who had never been screwed.

A woman was standing on the deck of a cruiseship crying. A man passed by and asked why she was crying.
Woman: " This is my 40th birthday, I have no friends to celebrate with and as you can see I lost both my arms and legs in an accident when I was a child. And on top of that I've never been screwed, let alone been kissed."
The man picked her up, kissed her gently and looked her deep in the eyes and smiled... And tossed her overboard.
"There, now you've been screwed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87gc7u/the_woman_who_had_never_been_screwed/
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Why was the protein self-conscious?

Because of how much it wheys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ga5h/why_was_the_protein_selfconscious/
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Did you know they made "Mein Kamph" into a game?

To win you just keep pressing 'alt right'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87g8p8/did_you_know_they_made_mein_kamph_into_a_game/
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If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...

But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87g1hr/if_you_run_in_front_of_a_car_youll_get_tired/
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What’s worse than ants in the pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87g01u/whats_worse_than_ants_in_the_pants/
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What makes a good father?

Daddy-cation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87fwr6/what_makes_a_good_father/
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Chinese Joke

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87frc0/chinese_joke/
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A guy was taking a shit in a train when someone knocked the door.

"It's the ticket checker.", said the person after knocking. "Can I see you ticket?", he asked.
"Not right now!", said the man. "I am taking a shit."
"Sorry but I can't go without checking.", said the ticket checker. "Could you pass it under the door?"
"No problem.", said the man while sliding it under. " The yellow bits are sweet corn btw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87fpw2/a_guy_was_taking_a_shit_in_a_train_when_someone/
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Today, March 26th, is Epilepsy Awareness day.

So get on out there and seize the day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87fm36/today_march_26th_is_epilepsy_awareness_day/
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A prostitute went into a tattoo parlor to offer sex for a tattoo

She was hoping to go Tit for Tat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87fk3c/a_prostitute_went_into_a_tattoo_parlor_to_offer/
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How is imitation like a plateau?

*They’re both the highest forms of flattery*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87fdm7/how_is_imitation_like_a_plateau/
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[OC] How do you count Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87fci8/oc_how_do_you_count_mexicans/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87famq/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear.....

Is Sphere Itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87faaf/the_only_thing_flatearthers_fear/
%
Arrogance

Back in the days when Los Alamos was a small company town, a noted theoretical physicist was called as a witness for the prosecution. Rising to take the stand, the great man smiled and nodded affably in the direction of the jury box.
This infuriated the defence counsel. “Your Honor, I don’t see how my client can get a fair trial here,” he said angrily. Turning to the professor, he demanded, “I want your answer, and remember that you are under oath. Do you, or do you not, know more than half the member of this jury?”
The physicist smiled. “Under oath, I can easily swear that I know more than all of them put together.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87f0gl/arrogance/
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We should clone Terry Crews and arm his horde of clones to wage war on our enemies

He could form the basis for a new milli-Terry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87eyp2/we_should_clone_terry_crews_and_arm_his_horde_of/
%
Knock on the door at 2 AM

A husband and wife are sound asleep, when at 2 AM there’s loud banging on the door and a man shouting “Can you give me a push please?”
The husband wakes up and hears it, but buries his head under the blankets and tries to sleep again.
A few minutes later, the banging continues, and the wife wakes up to hear “Can you give me a push please?”
The wife turns to her husband and says “Ah go on, give the man a hand. Wouldn’t you be happy if someone helped you when your car broke down?”
Reluctantly the husband gets dressed, stumbles down the stairs and walks out the door. Once outside, he can’t see the man. He shouts “where are you?”
The man replies “right here, on the swing!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87evo0/knock_on_the_door_at_2_am/
%
The wind whispered insults in my ear today

It was really diss gusting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87eu2f/the_wind_whispered_insults_in_my_ear_today/
%
I asked the shopkeeper if he thought I should be refunded for my faulty abacus

He told me not to count on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87esx5/i_asked_the_shopkeeper_if_he_thought_i_should_be/
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My girlfriend just started working at a grease factory ...

It's so hard to get ahold of her now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87es7h/my_girlfriend_just_started_working_at_a_grease/
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Helen Keller.......

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as "The most violent book I've ever read".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87eqpy/helen_keller/
%
A masochist asks a sadist to beat him

And the sadist says: I wont.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87eptd/a_masochist_asks_a_sadist_to_beat_him/
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A bar with a horse

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices a horse tied up in the corner so he asks the bartender "What's with the horse?". The bartender says "That's the bar mascot - if you can make him laugh, you drink for free all night.".
The guy looks at the bartender and then gets up, walks over to the horse, whispers something in his ear and the horse starts laughing his ass off. The bartender is astounded and asks the guy "What did you say to him?!". The guy would not explain.
The bartender is so intriqued he says "I tell you what, if you can make the horse cry I'll give you free drinks for the whole week. The guy gets up, goes over to the horse, pulls his pants down and the horse starts softly crying.
The bartender is completely blown away. He begs the guy to tell him how he did it, but the man would not explain. The bartender says screw it and offers to give this guy free drinks for the whole month if he explains himself.
The man says "The first time I went over and told the horse that my dick was bigger than his. The second time I went over I proved it to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87epjz/a_bar_with_a_horse/
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I gave a wanted criminal a sapling...

I guess you could say I was arboring a fugitive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87emyu/i_gave_a_wanted_criminal_a_sapling/
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My girlfriend told me that my jokes were like orgasms.

She just doesn't get them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87emsx/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_my_jokes_were_like/
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There's something I like about you, I just can't put my finger on it...

Because it would be sexual harassment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87eem3/theres_something_i_like_about_you_i_just_cant_put/
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I just got my math textbook for College Trig, and it’s a little emo

It’s called *I Write Sines Not Trajectories*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ebj1/i_just_got_my_math_textbook_for_college_trig_and/
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Why does Japan have such strict BMI regulations?

They remember what the first fat man did to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87eanu/why_does_japan_have_such_strict_bmi_regulations/
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A doctors secretary walks into the doctors office and says " doctor there is an invisible man waiting for you" the doctor replies

" awe not again tell him I can't see him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ea4z/a_doctors_secretary_walks_into_the_doctors_office/
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What do you call garbage wrapped in small trash bags?

...dumplings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87e98e/what_do_you_call_garbage_wrapped_in_small_trash/
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Hey guys, what's the name of that movie where they need one particular Jaeger to fight Kaijuu?

Oh yeah it's called Specific Rim, got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87e8wo/hey_guys_whats_the_name_of_that_movie_where_they/
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Rest In Peace, Water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87e8ng/rest_in_peace_water/
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Two nuts were hanging out in a tree. One slipped and started to fall.

The other one said “Don’t worry man, I’m a cashew”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87e8ev/two_nuts_were_hanging_out_in_a_tree_one_slipped/
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How did the jewish boy cure his ADD?

He was sent to a concentration camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87e74f/how_did_the_jewish_boy_cure_his_add/
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How do you purify sewage water?

You boil the shit out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87e50i/how_do_you_purify_sewage_water/
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What happened to Chef Boyardee after he was diagnosed with a terminal illness?

*He pastaway.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87e48c/what_happened_to_chef_boyardee_after_he_was/
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Snail hunting

This is an old joke my father used to tell me.
A German, Spaniard, and Frenchman all decide to go snail hunting. After an hour had passed they meet back together to compare their catch. The German had a full bucket and the Spaniard had half a bucket, but the Frenchman's bucket was empty.
"Where are your snails?"
"I found a lot of them, but every time I leaned over to grab one, WHOOOOOSH it was gone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87e3z5/snail_hunting/
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Commas can really change a sentence

For example:
John is in a hurry
John is in a coma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87e3pj/commas_can_really_change_a_sentence/
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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87e07i/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
What happens when the pollution rises in Los Angeles?

UCLA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87dyat/what_happens_when_the_pollution_rises_in_los/
%
What cheat code do you use to get into the Army?

Left, left, left, right, left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87dx3b/what_cheat_code_do_you_use_to_get_into_the_army/
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I don't get the deal with overprotective parents,

they clearly didn't use protection if they are parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87dx0n/i_dont_get_the_deal_with_overprotective_parents/
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I wanted a new drill for my birthday, so when my wife asked, I told her to get a Black and Decker...

She's due in court next week on a racially-aggravated assault charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87dwef/i_wanted_a_new_drill_for_my_birthday_so_when_my/
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Stormy Daniels should run for president

If we're going to have an inept asshole in office I'd rather have a bleached inept asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87dw3a/stormy_daniels_should_run_for_president/
%
I love pirating music!

"What Should We Do with a Drunken Sailor?" is my all-time favorite song

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87du4t/i_love_pirating_music/
%
/r/Jokes, what's with all the communism jokes?

Quit Stalin and think up some new ones!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87dt8w/rjokes_whats_with_all_the_communism_jokes/
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This one takes some thinking.

A guy takes his date to a dinner at the local country club. It’s an unusual setup: People have to wait in separate lines for each type of food.
As his date sits down, the guy volunteers to go get their dinner. First he waits in the line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for potatoes. Then he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, and the gravy line. Finally he brings back two full plates of food.
“What would you like to drink?” he asks.
“A glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So he goes to get it. He scouts around and finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, and even a line for milk. But after a while he gives up and goes back to his table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87drv9/this_one_takes_some_thinking/
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How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A one, a two, a one-two-three-four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87dmcl/how_many_drummers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Fight in a cowboy bar.

A man from the big city is traveling out west and one night he goes into a cowboy bar. He’s having a few beers when someone walks into the crowded saloon and shouts,
“Every damn Republican is a horse’s ass!”
The patrons immediately swarm the guy, beat him up, and throw him into the street.
The city man wonders what that was all about, but before he can say anything to the bartender, another guy comes into the bar and shouts,
“Every damn Democrat is a horse’s ass!”
Once again, the patrons swarm the guy, beat him up, and toss him into the street.
The city man is confused. He finally turns to the bartender and says, "I don’t get it. Are you guys Democrats or Republicans?”
“Neither,” says the bartender, “we’re horse people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87dkax/fight_in_a_cowboy_bar/
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My girlfriend just threatened to leave me because she said I was obsessed with The Monkees. I thought she was joking...

Then I saw her face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87dj0k/my_girlfriend_just_threatened_to_leave_me_because/
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Did you hear about the Dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87da27/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
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Children in florida during the hurricanes,

They all got free swimming lessons in the comfort of their home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87d99b/children_in_florida_during_the_hurricanes/
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Waiting for a haircut

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.  A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.  The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87d8sl/waiting_for_a_haircut/
%
I got banned from Home Depot today

A man in an orange apron walked up to me and asked me if I wanted decking.
Luckily I got the first punch in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87d4q7/i_got_banned_from_home_depot_today/
%
Did you hear about the woodcutter who lost his job?

His boss gave him the axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87d3ch/did_you_hear_about_the_woodcutter_who_lost_his_job/
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Old Friends in Silent Pub

Two old friends, Johnny and Steve, who haven't seen each in 20 years bump into each other on the street.
Steve:"Johnny? Wow must be 20 years at least!"
Johnny:"Yes I would think so. Nice to see you. Hey I'm off to the pub want to join me and we can talk."
Steve:"Sure, we sure have a lot to talk about"
Johnny:"Great follow me. I've been coming to this pub everyday  for the last 15 or so years. We all know each other."
They get to the bar and its full of old men. 60, 70 80 years old some look 100. the chairs and tables are as old as they are.
The place is dead quiet. Nobody is saying a word.
Until one old guy yells out "21"
And everyone laughs, then the place comes quiet again.
5 minutes go by and another old timer yells out "48"
and everyone laughs
Steve:"Hey Johnny what in the world is going on here? People just yells out random number and people start to laugh"
Johnny:"ah, ya. well we've been coming here for so long that we've heard all the jokes, so instead of going through the pain of telling the joke we've just numbered them. it makes it easier"
Steve then gets curious.
Steve:"Mind if I give it a try?"
Johnny:"go ahead"
Steve yells out "124!"
and everyone in the bar start to laugh extremely hard. old guys rolling off the floor, guys crying of laughter, other are laughing so hard they're having cramps, including Steve..
this goes on for 10 minutes.
Steve:"tell me Johnny what is going on, I've never seen laughter like this ever. What did I say?"
Johnny:"Omg" has he's trying to catch his breath.
"We've never heard that one before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87d1dg/old_friends_in_silent_pub/
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Why are there windows on the back of French tanks?

So they can see the battlefield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87d0o1/why_are_there_windows_on_the_back_of_french_tanks/
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A french guy is showing me his yachts.

"This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six."
Me: where's the fifth?
Him: Cinq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87d0ai/a_french_guy_is_showing_me_his_yachts/
%
A physics student was about to jump off a roof

His professor called out to him “Stop! You have so much potential!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87cz69/a_physics_student_was_about_to_jump_off_a_roof/
%
How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buck an ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87cyds/how_much_does_a_pirate_pay_for_corn/
%
Did you know that, statistically, only one in seven dwarfs...

Is happy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87cx6u/did_you_know_that_statistically_only_one_in_seven/
%
I used to get rejected about 50% of the time, but then I finally found the one and got married.

Now it's more like 90%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87cv8w/i_used_to_get_rejected_about_50_of_the_time_but/
%
Communism is not funny

Unless everyone gets the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87cugd/communism_is_not_funny/
%
A quadruple amputee is opening his present on christmas.

He crawls over to the tree and tears in to the wrapping with his teeth. The paper flies everywhere as the present is revealed.
"Not another hat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87crdz/a_quadruple_amputee_is_opening_his_present_on/
%
Three men go to heaven and meet Saint Peter.

They were each greeted warmly and told to answer all questions truthfully.  St. Peter asks the first man: "You were married, but were you faithful? Remember, I will know if you are lying."
"Absolutely, I never cheated once in my life." claimed the man, pride gleaming in his eyes.
"Very good, here is a sports car as a reward. Enjoy." said St. Peter smiling as he hands over his keys.
St. Peter turns to the second man and asks him the same question. The second man has a bit of shame in his expression as he confesses. "I may have cheated once or twice, I did always love my wife though."
"Well you are telling the truth and even though you haven't been completely faithful your sins have been forgiven. Take this Prius as a way to get around heaven." St.Peter smiles and hands over the keys. He turns to the last man who is looking quite nervous. Asking the same question once more the man decides to come clean and confess his sins without shame.
"Yes I cheated on my wife. I took every chance I got and it was fun. I'm sure it happened at least twice a month." The man proclaimed, his eyes gleaming with a bit of defiance.
"Well I won't send you to hell because you were brave enough to confess your misgivings. Here, take this Vespa to get around." St. Peter smiles wryly at the man as he hands over the keys. The three men take their vehicles and drive off.
A week later the three men meet up by chance and decide to have a bit of a chat. The man with the sports car however has a sour expression on his face. The other two ask him what made him so upset. He angrily replies: "I saw my wife yesterday, she was getting around heaven on a damn pedal scooter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ckyf/three_men_go_to_heaven_and_meet_saint_peter/
%
Was playing with my balls and then I found my first gray pubic hair, but I kept calm!

Unlike the rest in the elevator..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ck7h/was_playing_with_my_balls_and_then_i_found_my/
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How did the Onion propose to the other Onion?

With an onion ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87cikq/how_did_the_onion_propose_to_the_other_onion/
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Capitalism is dancing at the edge of the abyss.

Socialism, of course, is one step ahead of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87chmn/capitalism_is_dancing_at_the_edge_of_the_abyss/
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Why do jalapeños wear jackets?

They're just a little chile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87cgrr/why_do_jalapeños_wear_jackets/
%
Knowledge

I swallowed a dictionary....it gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had. -credit goes to my 80 yo grandmother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87cg0r/knowledge/
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As two cannibals finished eating a clown one looked to the other and said...

Did that taste funny to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ce6f/as_two_cannibals_finished_eating_a_clown_one/
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A farmer comes out to his shed to find a man humping his farm equipment

The farmer asks the man “what the hell are you doing son?  The man replies “I’ve been having troubles with my wife and my therapist said to do something sexy to a tractor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87cbgb/a_farmer_comes_out_to_his_shed_to_find_a_man/
%
A man asks his wife, "When I die, do you think you will marry again?"

The wife, looking at him in the eyes, answered sincerely, "No, I don't think I will."
"What would you do then?" The man asked.
"I would go live with my sister, of course." The wife replied and then, a moment later, she asked, "Would you marry after I die?"
"Me?" Said the husband. "No! I could never."
"Then what would you do? Who would you stay with?" The wife asked.
"Simple," The man said. "Your sister, of course."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87cao3/a_man_asks_his_wife_when_i_die_do_you_think_you/
%
The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe.

Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87c61x/the_scots_invented_hypnosis_chloroform_and_the/
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A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out

and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.
“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.
“What did he say?” asked the man.
He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87c5vk/a_jewish_father_was_very_troubled_by_the_way_his/
%
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87c5sm/why_isnt_your_nose_12_inches_long/
%
In spite of my anger, I decided not to bring my wetsuit to the beach.

It was a rash decision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87c5g9/in_spite_of_my_anger_i_decided_not_to_bring_my/
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The Pizza boy arrives a Libertarian meeting

\* Knock Knock\*
# GET A WARRANT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87c3ag/the_pizza_boy_arrives_a_libertarian_meeting/
%
What Language Do Trees Speak?

Latin, because of all their roots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bzzy/what_language_do_trees_speak/
%
I learned Braille to read ghost stories,

It's going to be scary, I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bxcv/i_learned_braille_to_read_ghost_stories/
%
My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad.

Not as in, with a stick – he just died first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bx10/my_granny_was_recently_beaten_to_death_by_my/
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A nurse needed to write something down…

She reached to her pocket but only found a rectal thermometer. "Some asshole's got my pen!" She exclaimed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bvil/a_nurse_needed_to_write_something_down/
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bt6e/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
My wife said she couldn’t deal with my OCD anymore.

I said fine, open and close the door five times and leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bt5b/my_wife_said_she_couldnt_deal_with_my_ocd_anymore/
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Life is like a box of chocolates...

...Fatter people tend to finish it first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bq42/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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My German friend asked me if there were any nicknames for blind people in America...

Apparently, not-see was the wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bpgb/my_german_friend_asked_me_if_there_were_any/
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2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum.

See, there were 2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum. One night, they decided to escape. They made it up to the rooftop, across this narrow gap, they see rooftops. Stretching out into freedom.
The first guy, he jumps across no problem. But his friend, nope, afraid of falling. First guy thinks of an idea, he says "hey, i got this flashlight with me, I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me!"
The 2nd guy says, "what do you think i am, crazy? you'll just turn it off when i'm half way across!"
*source, the joker tells batman this joke, batman laughs w/ him for the first time. *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bnvo/2_guys_locked_in_a_lunatic_asylum/
%
A man goes to the doctor and the doctor says, “Sir, you have to stop masturbating.” The man says, “Really, why?”

The doctor replies, “Because I’m examining you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bgxw/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_the_doctor_says_sir/
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I’m going to invent a super laxative for the military.

I think I’ll call it Dishonorable Discharge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bf58/im_going_to_invent_a_super_laxative_for_the/
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Girlfriend asked me for some time and distance

Idk what she wanted velocity for....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bevn/girlfriend_asked_me_for_some_time_and_distance/
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bc8a/a_little_old_man_shuffled_slowly_into_an_ice/
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I don't tell dad jokes.

He has no sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bag2/i_dont_tell_dad_jokes/
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down.

As he is walking down the road he happens a cross a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87bace/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
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In Black Panther, when she said "what are those", I cringed a little bit...

I mean, Wakanda joke is that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87b7fq/in_black_panther_when_she_said_what_are_those_i/
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Why do husbands die before their wives?

Because they can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87b5z4/why_do_husbands_die_before_their_wives/
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Some numbers were stuck in the snow, when one lost his gloves and boots.

He was a number number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87b4tr/some_numbers_were_stuck_in_the_snow_when_one_lost/
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I got into an accident, but I managed to save myself & a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching..

my car to reverse leaving the scene....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87b4aj/i_got_into_an_accident_but_i_managed_to_save/
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One day, Hitler decided to visit one of his concentration camps.

He spoke to the on-site general, and told him to line up all of the prisoners in a row.
When all of them were lined up, Hitler went up to the first person and asked him, "How high do you jump?"
The general looked at Hitler, confused, then looked at the prisoner. The prisoner looked back at him, just as confused.
"Eh, mein fuhrer..."
"Ach! Do not shpeaken, generalfeldmarschall! Now, payen sie attention, prisoner, how high iz it you jump?"
The prisoner, slowly, spoke, "One foot."
Hitler turns to his general and says, delighted, "Given zis man a loav ov bread."
The general, astounded said, "B-but, mein fuhrer..."
Hitler shot back with a, "I do not vant to hear it!!" Then, moving to the next prisoner, he asks the same question: "How high can you jump?"
The prisoner replies, "Two feet."
"Give zis man two loaves ov bread!"
"Mein fuhrer, are you veeling vell?"
"SCHTOPP TALKING AND BRINGEN SIE LOAV OV BREAD!"
Hitler then moves to the next prisoner, who has caught onto the pattern. So when he is asked how high he can jump, he announces, "Five to six feet."
Hitler turns to the side, and his general says, "Sir, zhall I getten zis man five loaves ov ze bread?"
Hitler says, "No, schoot zis one. He can jump over ze walls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87b35z/one_day_hitler_decided_to_visit_one_of_his/
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Kim Jung Un called Xi Jinping at 3:30 in the morning.

Xi: Why are you calling at *this* time?
Kim: I am going to test a nuke.
Xi: Okay, when are you going to do this?
Kim: 10.
Xi: 10 what? In 10 months? 10 weeks? 10 days?
Kim: 9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87b33u/kim_jung_un_called_xi_jinping_at_330_in_the/
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Greg goes to get a physical

During his physical, the doctor asked his patient (Greg) about his daily activity level.
Greg responded: '"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, '"You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!'"
"NAH," Greg replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87b1q1/greg_goes_to_get_a_physical/
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A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”
“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87b1gw/a_woman_caught_her_husband_on_the_weight_scale/
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Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells on her chest?

Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87azt8/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_seashells_on_her/
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I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Ancient Mesopotamia

But I had to stop him, because I didn’t want him to Babylon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87az6x/i_once_met_a_crazed_man_muttering_incoherently/
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Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d'olive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87axp8/why_did_the_french_chef_commit_suicide/
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The Zoo Joke (Long)

So there's this zoo, and this zoo isn't very affluent, but, if someone visits the zoo, it is definitely to see their gorilla.
One morning, the workers come in early to open the zoo like normal and find, to their great sadness, that their famous gorilla has died of old age. The zoo staff are incredibly distressed by this development because they loved that gorilla--it was a really great gorilla--and also because they probably won't have a job in a month after the zoo shuts down due to bankruptcy.
But the zoo's owner, he's got an idea. He calls the gorilla's primary  zookeeper into his office and says, "Hey, so I could fire you right now since we don't have a gorilla anymore, but I'm not going to! Instead, I want you to dress up in this highly realistic gorilla suit and pretend to be our beloved gorilla--just until we purchase another one, I promise." And so the zookeeper says, "Alright, I'll pretend to be a gorilla. After all, no one who works at this zoo knows as much about gorilla behavior as me." And so he puts on the suit and starts doing his monkey thing.
This dude becomes a sensation overnight. People are absolutely amazed by the humanlike gorilla that this obscure zoo has acquired. Numbers are great, and for the first time in years the zoo is turning a sizable profit.
Now a couple months go by, and the newness is starting to wear off. The zoo is still making plenty of money, but not as much as when the whole monkey thing started. And the zoo owner has gotten a little bit greedy. He calls the monkey man into his office and says, "Hey dude, numbers are going down, I need you to get them back up again or you'll be out of a job." The zookeeper us hugely frustrated by this unreasonable demand. He thinks, "I'm already being a monkey, what the heck else do you want me to do?!" But instead of venting his spleen on his supervisor, he takes a deep breath and says, "Alright, I'll see what I can do."
That night, the monkey man breaks out if the gorilla enclosure, sneaks into the tiger enclosure, and waits for the zoo to open. As people stream by the next morning, he begins his new act: swinging around on the roof of the tiger enclosure, always just a few inches out of reach of the furious felines jaws. This most definitely does catch people's attention, and almost seems like a good idea...all the way up until the moment his hand slips and he falls down into the tiger's territory.
The tiger starts prowling toward him-- splayed helplessly on the ground, breath knocked from his lungs--and so the zookeeper-turned-monkey starts doing what any reasonable person would do. He starts yelling, "Help! Help!" at the top of his lungs.
The tiger hears its prey's desperate screams, and growls. It leaps, pins him down, and whispers in his ear, "You need to shut up, you're gunna get us both fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87axi1/the_zoo_joke_long/
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How does a sun god like his steaks?

He likes them Ra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87avro/how_does_a_sun_god_like_his_steaks/
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My Neighbor knocked on my door at 3 a.m in the morning. Can you guys believe 3 a.m in the morning

Lucky for him I was still awake playing my drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87av0y/my_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_at_3_am_in_the/
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Some people think all genitalia are the same

I think there's a vas deferens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87au18/some_people_think_all_genitalia_are_the_same/
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Are monsters good at math?

No, unless you Count Dracula

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87asn2/are_monsters_good_at_math/
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Boat trip to Europe

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87arwq/boat_trip_to_europe/
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What do you call someone who sells prosthesis to kids?

Small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87anef/what_do_you_call_someone_who_sells_prosthesis_to/
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For a while Houdini would use trap doors in every act

He was going through a stage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87allm/for_a_while_houdini_would_use_trap_doors_in_every/
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A man goes to see a psychiatrist.

The man is naked and wrapped is plastic wrap.
The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87ajjg/a_man_goes_to_see_a_psychiatrist/
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A Blonde On Death Row

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready ... Aim ..."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready ... Aim ..."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready ... Aim ..."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87af12/a_blonde_on_death_row/
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Why was Z afraid of all the other letters in the alphabet?

Because all the other letters were not-Z’s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87aeb5/why_was_z_afraid_of_all_the_other_letters_in_the/
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What has 4 legs, is green and fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls on you out of a tree?

A pool table!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87adrq/what_has_4_legs_is_green_and_fuzzy_and_will_kill/
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Got my friend William to petal a bike connected to my TV.

You could say it runs on Will power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87abps/got_my_friend_william_to_petal_a_bike_connected/
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A coworker made a joke about carbon monoxide poisoning…

I told him it was tasteless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87abfm/a_coworker_made_a_joke_about_carbon_monoxide/
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I heard a local shoe store was doing a promo to increase sales.

Buy one, get another one free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87a82l/i_heard_a_local_shoe_store_was_doing_a_promo_to/
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Zuckerberg during his visit at a school

Kid: My dad says you spy on us.
Zuckerberg: He's not your dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87a7vq/zuckerberg_during_his_visit_at_a_school/
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A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost.

He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology,"says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, *"But how'd you know?"**
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87a7fn/a_man_flying_in_a_hot_air_balloon_suddenly/
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If a girl sleeps with 10 men, she's a slut. But if a man does the same, he's gay.

Don't know if this is a repost, but this is the first time I came across this joke and thought it was funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87a57z/if_a_girl_sleeps_with_10_men_shes_a_slut_but_if_a/
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Oh my good and fellow Christians! It has been foretold our Lord and savior will once again rise from the dead and bless us all this Easter!

April Fools!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87a46v/oh_my_good_and_fellow_christians_it_has_been/
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Why do men who are insecure about the length of their dicks like coming to this sub?

r/jokes is very generous with what qualifies as 'long.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87a3pv/why_do_men_who_are_insecure_about_the_length_of/
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Reading between the lines can be quite dangerous

Especially if you are at a railway station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87a3ji/reading_between_the_lines_can_be_quite_dangerous/
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Muslim countries would do so well if the Olympic were during ramadan.

Because they really fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87a267/muslim_countries_would_do_so_well_if_the_olympic/
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Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87a0gu/why_does_batman_wear_a_mask/
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We should've known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/879v4c/we_shouldve_known_communism_would_fail/
%
Did you hear about the gay guy that got fired from the sperm bank?

I guess he was caught drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/879u08/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_guy_that_got_fired/
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In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/879s8d/in_1272_the_muslims_invented_the_condom_using_a/
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Fred has a week off and decides

to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she’s very attractive. He’s interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the parking lot, then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn’t have a car. All in all it’s been a highly enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning’s company and competition and says she hasn’t enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. “In fact,” she says, “I’d like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything.” He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation.
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He’s actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other’s company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating Fred narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can’t agree to this. He can’t work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.
“You see,” she tearfully sobs, “I’m a transvestite.”
Fred is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. “I’m sorry,” she repeats.
“You bastard,” he screams, red in the face, “You cheating bastard. You’ve been playing off the red tees all week!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/879s0b/fred_has_a_week_off_and_decides/
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Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's' mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after it's stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was lost forever. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course as:
Sinko de Mayo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/879n6y/most_people_dont_know_that_back_in_1912_hellmanns/
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To the coworker that stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you.  I will get it back.
You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/879jtj/to_the_coworker_that_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft/
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Why did the pirate’s mother ground him?

His report card had 7 C’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/879jhx/why_did_the_pirates_mother_ground_him/
%
Hey girl, you're above average

Don't be mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/879esu/hey_girl_youre_above_average/
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Last night I was driving home when I was pulled over by a cop. He asked me if I had a police record.

Apparently ‘Roxanne’ wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear. My court date is in a couple of weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/879b74/last_night_i_was_driving_home_when_i_was_pulled/
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What do you call it when a lot of breads have a party

Abundance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8798ba/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_lot_of_breads_have_a/
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What do you call a virgin from Alabama?

A 14 year old who can outrun her brothers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8797oc/what_do_you_call_a_virgin_from_alabama/
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Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body

When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878zxv/rearrange_the_letters_p_n_e_s_i_to_spell_out_an/
%
Saw an amputee in the gym today..

Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878ypk/saw_an_amputee_in_the_gym_today/
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Maria had 3 children, snowflake, sand, and brick.

One day snowflake goes to her mom  and asks her: Mom, why am I called snowflake? Then the mother replies: Because when you were born, a snowflake fell on your head. The next day goes Sand and asks: Mom, why am I called Sand? And the mother replies: Because when you were born, a small grain of sand fell on your head. The next day goes brick and asks: gyefagcxheufrhd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878ybg/maria_had_3_children_snowflake_sand_and_brick/
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I went to the doctor yesterday. Turns out I'm color blind.

It really came out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878vco/i_went_to_the_doctor_yesterday_turns_out_im_color/
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Pixar movies over the years

What if toys had feelings?
What if bugs had feelings?
What if monsters had feelings?
What if fish had feelings?
What if superheroes had feelings?
What if cars had feelings?
What if rats had feelings?
What if robots hadd feelings?
What if boy scouts had feelings?
What if gingers had feelings?
What if feelings had feelings?
What if dinosaurs had feelings?
What if Mexicans had feelings?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878rrb/pixar_movies_over_the_years/
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My friend thinks he's smart.

He said onion is the only food that can make you cry.
I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878pso/my_friend_thinks_hes_smart/
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We had a job opening with 60 applicants. I threw the top half of the pile of resumes away without looking at them. My colleague asked why I did that.

I replied, "I do not want unlucky people working for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878p61/we_had_a_job_opening_with_60_applicants_i_threw/
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Why doesn’t Conor McGregor like fighting in the spring?

Because of Mayweather

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878nix/why_doesnt_conor_mcgregor_like_fighting_in_the/
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Today I was asked out by about 30 women.

It was in the women's locker room, but that's still pretty impressive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878j7u/today_i_was_asked_out_by_about_30_women/
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My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"

I said: "No it doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878j5y/my_friend_says_to_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
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A lot of people think Sigmund Frued is a hack.

And yes, some of his theories were proven wrong but the work he did made the field of psychology so famous he should never be forgotten. They just go hand in hand, you cant have one without the mother,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878ehq/a_lot_of_people_think_sigmund_frued_is_a_hack/
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Today I received a message from Facebook

Fb : we would appreciate if you signed this petition
Me: what is it about ?
Fb: it’s about your continued faith in Facebook during these troubled times and requesting the govt not to put any sanctions
Me: you assholes stole our private information and sold it to others
Fb : don’t worry sir, we never leaked any info about our users like how you requested nudes in fb chat from your wife’s supervisor Rachel after which she was laid off for unspecified reasons or how you kept scrolling your daughter’s best friend Emma’s spring break photo album for exactly 9: 45 min ..
Me : ok, I understand how ethical you are ,please let me know where should I sign?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878e0n/today_i_received_a_message_from_facebook/
%
A horse walks into a bar.

It was about then the bartender decided he should seek help for his drug addiction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878dpa/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two sailors where trading jokes on a submarine.

One of them says, this is the best joke ever: “A bus driver drove into a nun” and then starts laughing hysterically.
Confused, the other sailor asked, “how is that even funny?”
The other sailor says “it’s not, but on this sub it is”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878dhi/two_sailors_where_trading_jokes_on_a_submarine/
%
I was in a restaurant last night, when all of sudden, a guy wearing white clothes and a tall white hat burst out of the kitchen. He was ranting, dribbling and touching diners as he passed by. "What the hell was that?!?" I asked the waitress.

She replied, "Oh, the chef's special."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878czk/i_was_in_a_restaurant_last_night_when_all_of/
%
Smart waitress

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/878a36/smart_waitress/
%
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8788ev/it_has_been_scientifically_proven_that_girls/
%
For all those who don't get the bus driver comments on every post here

First off, I know this is an old joke. It's like the oldest joke. But on every other joke that's posted on this sub, it gets referenced, and there's always at least one reply who doesn't get it.  I've explained the reference to like 4 people today and this seems like a better solution.  So here it is.
Joke:
So a hippie gets on a bus, and he sits down next to a nun. After a minute, he notices that the nun as really hot, and, being a stoned out hippie (make love not war and all that) he asks her if she'll have sex with him. Obviously she says no, and slaps him. The hippie sits in silence for the rest of the ride. After the nun gets off, the bus driver says to the hippie, "hey, so I know for a fact that nun goes to the graveyard to pray every night, and if you dressed up as God, you could probably command her to sleep with you. I'd have done it ages ago, but I'm gay."
So the hippie dresses himself up as God and goes to the graveyard, where he finds the nun. He makes a grand appearance, and commands that she prove her loyalty by screwing him. The nun agrees, but insists that it be anal so she can stay a virgin.  She also insists that she be allowed to keep her habit on, so if anyone sees them, they won't see her face.
They screw, and after it's done, the hippie whips off the robe and yells "Surprise! I'm the hippie!"
The nun whips off her habit and yells "Surprise! I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8785hj/for_all_those_who_dont_get_the_bus_driver/
%
NSFW A man and a woman are making passionate love...

and the man dies of a heart attack.
The undertaker removes the body and prepares it for burial, the problem being that the erection that the guy had has not gone away, and unless something can be done, the coffin will need something like a periscope to accomodate the protruding organ.  They phone the wife and ask if she could suggest anything, as they need to get permission to do anything, and she says "Look, he's dead, just amputate it, and, well, I don't know, put it up his rectum so it doesn't get lost".
The undertakers were a bit startled by this request, but followed her instructions, and the coffin was transferred to the church, for the funeral, and left open so that the guests could pay their final respects.
The wife walks up to see her husband for the last time, and there seems to be a tiny tear in the corner of his dead eye.  Leaning close, she whispered "Yes darling, it hurts...doesn't it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877zka/nsfw_a_man_and_a_woman_are_making_passionate_love/
%
There are these three older gentlemen in their club....

...somewhere in the West End of London, and it's the late 1920s or so.  They're sitting in the Chesterfield armchairs, drinking their beakers of port, smoking cigars, and generally chatting about life, and the conversation circles round to the great inevitable, and they start to wonder how they want to go.
The youngest, about 70 odd, says "I'm going to get into my yacht, slip off the lines, and sail off into the sunset, never to be seen again".
There were a few harumphs of agreement and then the next youngest, in his 80s, said "Well, I think I'd like to get the old Nitro Express off the wall, trek out into the Kush, and well, maybe this time the tiger will get his lunch"
The third member of the trio, in his 90s, but with a twinkle in his eye, says "Bloody amateurs, I want to be shot by a jealous husband".
(I heard this joke at a school prize giving ceremony 40 years ago - every year its basic philosophy seems more appealing)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877x6y/there_are_these_three_older_gentlemen_in_their/
%
'I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ' said my friend

'oh come on, it's just one move at the start of the game' I responded as I took his Knight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877wvm/i_just_feel_like_being_black_is_a_huge/
%
90% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house

The others kiss the house  goodbye when they leave their wives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877wfa/90_of_men_kiss_their_wives_goodbye_when_they/
%
I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877otd/i_said_to_my_wife_this_morning_i_was_just_reading/
%
I'm going to apply for the job as Australia's next cricket captain.

I've been ball tampering for years and never got caught.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877oj6/im_going_to_apply_for_the_job_as_australias_next/
%
What do you call a cannibal that only eats braindead people?

A vegetarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877mpg/what_do_you_call_a_cannibal_that_only_eats/
%
Trump talking to his advisor...

**Trump** The lesser the immigrants we have, the better
**Advisor** You mean fewer…
**Trump** Ssshhh! Don't call me that in public yet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877kz3/trump_talking_to_his_advisor/
%
A woman has been in a coma for some time....

One day, one of the nurses is giving her a sponge bath and notices a slight response when she bathes the patient's genitals. This gives the nurse an idea...
After telling the woman's husband about the sponge bath, she tells him, "I know this is a little unorthodox, but I think you should try having oral sex with your wife. It just might revive her from her coma." Desperate to have his wife back, the man agrees. The nurse lets him into the room and closes the door to give him some privacy.
Suddenly, the alarms go off: the wife is flat-lining. Hospital staff burst into the room to find the husband panicking, his dick still out. "What happened?" a doctor asks.
"I don't know, doc! I guess she choked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877jfi/a_woman_has_been_in_a_coma_for_some_time/
%
Helen Keller walks into a bar

Then a table, then a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877iwy/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I went to a restaurant.

It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877ibq/i_went_to_a_restaurant/
%
Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history.

Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877g4w/back_when_stormy_daniels_was_in_high_school_none/
%
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877fgc/what_did_our_parents_do_to_kill_boredom_before/
%
Why do Baby-Boomers always pay by cheque?

Because they hate change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877f0d/why_do_babyboomers_always_pay_by_cheque/
%
I walked into a pole the other day

He said excuse me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877dz6/i_walked_into_a_pole_the_other_day/
%
This morning there was a tap on the front door

Funny sense of humour, that plumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877935/this_morning_there_was_a_tap_on_the_front_door/
%
I paid $3 for a block of metal yesterday

It was really quite the steel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8778hi/i_paid_3_for_a_block_of_metal_yesterday/
%
Haters once said Chuck Yeager would never break the sound barrier...

But he made a Machery of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87779v/haters_once_said_chuck_yeager_would_never_break/
%
What do you call it when computer science majors make fun of each other?

Cyber boolean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8775yi/what_do_you_call_it_when_computer_science_majors/
%
What's the different between a hippo and a zippo?

One's heavy, the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8773v5/whats_the_different_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
How do you harvest crops in the winter?

With an ice sickle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/877365/how_do_you_harvest_crops_in_the_winter/
%
I once met a lizard who was a door-to-door pottery salesman

He could really rep tile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87710s/i_once_met_a_lizard_who_was_a_doortodoor_pottery/
%
A group of Nuns opened a Flower Shop.

The Nuns started selling small bouquets, and after some success moved on to larger arrangements.  Their business grew enough that they were eventually the only place in a ten kilometer radius to sell flowers; and gathered a monopoly on the market.
One day, a couple of Friars opened another greenhouse and flower shop right across the street!  Their products took time to be recognized by the local market, as the Nuns had a tight grip; but gradually the Friars started taking business.
Seeing that they were not going to have a successful business soon, the Nuns decided to push the Friars out of the community.  First they snuck into their shop one night and started a fire. The community volunteer firefighters were able to extinguish it quickly, with little damages.
Then the Nuns tried to tarnish the Friars reputation by spreading rumours about their Flowers supposedly being GMO abominations. Customers saw through this, and the rumours dissipated quickly.
Finally, the Nuns hired a local thug named Hugh who had a panache for destruction.  He took a weed-whacker to the Friars shop, then drove his truck through the front door,  while spraying herbicide over everything.
The Friars, of course,  had no option but to pack up and leave town; leaving the Nuns back to their monopoly.
Leaving us to realize that Hugh, and ONLY Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/876zlp/a_group_of_nuns_opened_a_flower_shop/
%
I hate Palestinian Bathrooms..

They're always occupied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/876yio/i_hate_palestinian_bathrooms/
%
I used to be into BDSM, bestiality, and necrophilia...

But then I realized I was just flogging a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/876y25/i_used_to_be_into_bdsm_bestiality_and_necrophilia/
%
Do you know the difference between the North and the South?

Well, in the south, when you say your cousin's coming, that has two different meanings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/876vdg/do_you_know_the_difference_between_the_north_and/
%
Shout out to those who don’t know the opposite of in.

They need the help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/876tex/shout_out_to_those_who_dont_know_the_opposite_of/
%
What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/876sda/what_do_tofu_and_a_dildo_have_in_common/
%
One out of 3 people is addicted to drugs.

Look at the person on your left. Now look at the person on your right. Chances are one of them has some drugs to share with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/876qos/one_out_of_3_people_is_addicted_to_drugs/
%
You can't run through a camp site.

You can only ran, because its past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/876o28/you_cant_run_through_a_camp_site/
%
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/876fme/what_is_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
%
I took my grandma to fish spa. Everyone freaked out!

But in my defense, it's more affordable than cremation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/876eug/i_took_my_grandma_to_fish_spa_everyone_freaked_out/
%
What's the only type of STD you can get from phone sex?

Hearing AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/876emg/whats_the_only_type_of_std_you_can_get_from_phone/
%
What do you call a person who does not respect your privacy?

A Zuckerberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/876dnt/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_does_not_respect/
%
You can't run through a camp site.

You can only ran, because its past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/876bef/you_cant_run_through_a_camp_site/
%
What’s the difference between praying in church and praying in a casino?

When you pray in a casino you really mean it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87694f/whats_the_difference_between_praying_in_church/
%
What's a tree's favorite part of a car?

The trunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8768q9/whats_a_trees_favorite_part_of_a_car/
%
Cardi B’s sister released a new song...

“Fitnesse” by Cardi O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8768c0/cardi_bs_sister_released_a_new_song/
%
I'm thinking of starting a fashion line for alcoholics.. I guess I'll just call it..

Michael Coors Light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8767ra/im_thinking_of_starting_a_fashion_line_for/
%
2 college freshman girls

Are moving their dorm at Harvard.
One girl is from Alabama and the other from Connecticut.
The southern girl strikes up conversation and says  , "where are you from?
The Connecticut girl says "I'm from a place where we know better than to end a sentence in a preposition."
The Alabama girl replies "So sorry. Where you from, Cunt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8767qo/2_college_freshman_girls/
%
Do you know how I escaped Iraq?

Iran!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8766tr/do_you_know_how_i_escaped_iraq/
%
You have to appreciate how badass those Chinese are...

They made a language totally out of tattoo symbols.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8765p1/you_have_to_appreciate_how_badass_those_chinese/
%
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.

She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad
That fly didn’t stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8764bj/i_asked_my_daughter_if_shed_seen_my_newspaper/
%
Yo mama so fat

I had to check the serving size before I ate her out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/876446/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am
We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:
Illegal Downloading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8761m2/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
I swear...

Everybody’s birthday is this year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875znh/i_swear/
%
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?

Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875zh3/teacher_what_are_some_products_of_the_west_indies/
%
I love my calendar!

We go out on so many dates each month!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875yt2/i_love_my_calendar/
%
Why are women bad at parallel parking?

Because they have been lied to their whole lives what 8 inches really looks like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875y31/why_are_women_bad_at_parallel_parking/
%
A barber is talking to one of his customers.

“See that kid?” he says as he points to a twelve-year-old standing outside the barbershop. “He is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch. I’ll prove it to you.”
The barber takes out a one-dollar bill and a five-dollar bill, and then calls the boy inside. He holds out both bills, and asks, “Which one do you want, son?”
The kid takes the one-dollar bill and leaves the shop.
“See?” laughs the barber. “The dumbest kid in the world.”
A few minutes after the customer leaves the barbershop, he happens to see the boy coming out of an ice cream store. He goes over and asks, “If you don’t mind my asking, son, why didn’t you take the five-dollar bill?”
The boy takes a lick of his ice cream cone and replies, “Because the day I choose the five-dollar bill, the game’s over.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875w9s/a_barber_is_talking_to_one_of_his_customers/
%
Why can’t a T-Rex clap?

It’s dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875uby/why_cant_a_trex_clap/
%
What’s the definition of trust?

Two gay cannibals giving each other a blow job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875twa/whats_the_definition_of_trust/
%
Batman, but it’s a Japanese action film

Mighty Orphan Power Ranger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875qxo/batman_but_its_a_japanese_action_film/
%
Human fetuses are essentially the same as the creature from Alien. Only they take longer to gestate, and if they don't kill you on impact, they'll do it slowly over the course of years...

My mom says such silly things when she drinks hehe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875qsk/human_fetuses_are_essentially_the_same_as_the/
%
My friend found out her vegan boyfriend has been cheating on her today.

Turns out, he had a side salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875oub/my_friend_found_out_her_vegan_boyfriend_has_been/
%
want to hear latvia joke?

latvia man dies and goes to hell
satan say "latvia man for your crimes i will throw you in lake of fire'
but latvia man smiles because is finally warm
satan is anger "if you like fire so much ill throw you in lake of ice"
but latvia man is swimming and laughing
satan yell "whats so damn funny"
latvia man yell back "satan! hell is freeze! latvia finally happy country!"
but no is real. only story.
also no is hell. only latvia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875hzz/want_to_hear_latvia_joke/
%
Bob & Charlie

Bob and Charlie are the only patients in ward D of a mental institution. Bob is hyperactive and delusional while Charlie is catatonic. Their nurse checks in on them three times a day.
At the beginning of her shift the nurse starts walking over to Bob's room and hears him making loud truck sounds, she peeks in and sees him clutching an imaginary large steering wheel. She asks; "Bob what are you doing?"
Bob replies; "driving to Chicago" to this she nods and walks over to check on Charlie who is lying in bed drooling and staring at the ceiling.
After lunch she comes around again and can still here the truck noises from Bob's room and he's still clutching the steering wheel. She asks; "Hey Bob, how's the drive going?"
Bob replies; "Half way to Chicago" she smiles and walks over to Charlie's room and as always, staring and drooling.
After dinner as her shift is ending she heads over for her last check, sure enough the truck sounds are still coming from Bob's room and as she walks up she sees him turning the big wheel hand over hand to the right. She ask Bob again about the drive.
"Just pulling in to Chicago", she says good night to Bob and heads over to Charlie's room. To her absolute shock Charlie is sitting upright in bed furiously masturbating.
"Oh my God Charlie, what are you doing?"
"Fucking Bob's wife while he's in Chicago"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875hyv/bob_charlie/
%
I've been considering opening a soup restaurant. I'd serve the finest soups from around the world using only the most illegally-sourced ingredients. I'll call it...

Bisquey Business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875h17/ive_been_considering_opening_a_soup_restaurant_id/
%
I tried to tell the farmer a sheep joke

Turns our he'd  herd them all before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875ftg/i_tried_to_tell_the_farmer_a_sheep_joke/
%
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875fgo/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
What does Tom Brady have to do if Giselle gets angry?

Quarterback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875ezd/what_does_tom_brady_have_to_do_if_giselle_gets/
%
My dad decided that he would start a business protecting famous comedy acts from financial risk

Hilarity ensured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875enl/my_dad_decided_that_he_would_start_a_business/
%
What does the 'r' is r/jokes stand for?

"Recycled"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875ecq/what_does_the_r_is_rjokes_stand_for/
%
TIL that "sugar" is the only word in the English language in which the "s" makes a "sh" sound.

At least I'm pretty sure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875bvk/til_that_sugar_is_the_only_word_in_the_english/
%
[Warning: Stupid] What dessert did N'Sync always request on tour?

Pie, pie, pie...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875bl4/warning_stupid_what_dessert_did_nsync_always/
%
Last time I traveled abroad airport security made a hilarious joke about my passport

I mean I had to hand it to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875ae9/last_time_i_traveled_abroad_airport_security_made/
%
Imagine the sex talk between The Donald and Stormie...

Oh Donald!
You’re so great, Donald!
You’re so big, Donald!
You’re the best, Donald!!
And then Stormie asks, “What do you keep mumbling, Donnie?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8758re/imagine_the_sex_talk_between_the_donald_and/
%
I'm not very good at fingering myself

I could use a pointer or two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8756tx/im_not_very_good_at_fingering_myself/
%
[Long] My buddy and I were out fishing, when suddenly our boat sank

We both drowned, and I woke up in hell. I see a giant creature slowly walking towards me, when I realize it's the devil himself.
"Welcome to hell!" he yells at me, while guiding me along a long corridor.
"What the hell Satan, why did I end up down here?!" I yelled at him.
"I've never done anything to deserve ending up in hell!"
"Relax my friend" Satan says calmly.
"Everyone can leave and end up in heaven. You just have to do one thing first". He guides me to a door and says;
"There's a woman in there. Fuck her and you will go to heaven. If you fail to satisfy her, you're doomed to stay here forever".
Since I couldn't see anything wrong with this request, I decide to enter the room, where I saw the ugliest woman I've ever seen. She looked like a combination between a hippo, a mole rat and a human. Not wanting to stay in hell for the rest of eternity, I decide to give her the best sex of her life. After about 20 minutes or so, I walk out and greet Satan again.
"Well done, human!"
he exclaims loudly, and starts walking me over to the stairway to heaven, through the same corridor as before. On my way, I notice my buddy in another room, and decide to look through the doors window. He's fucking the prettiest, sexiest woman I've ever seen. Angrily, I turn to Satan and yell;
"What the fuck Satan?! Why do I need to fuck a woman who looks like a fucking hippo, while he gets to fuck the hottest woman I've ever seen?! It's not fair!"
"Well..." Satan says slowly
"Women wants to go to heaven too, you know"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8756rm/long_my_buddy_and_i_were_out_fishing_when/
%
If people are going to just keep reposting jokes

The we should rename this sub Amy Schumer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8756jg/if_people_are_going_to_just_keep_reposting_jokes/
%
When I masturbate, my sense of hearing heightens.

I can hear the tiny sighs and gasps of people in the elevator with me when I jerk off, for example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/875453/when_i_masturbate_my_sense_of_hearing_heightens/
%
Just ate some food coloring

I dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87537r/just_ate_some_food_coloring/
%
So I found out that my computer is really good at singing

But that makes sense
After all, it is a dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87519z/so_i_found_out_that_my_computer_is_really_good_at/
%
There's a new grillhouse in new York that's opening up a restaurant at the top of a skyscraper, though there are fears it could be unsuccessful

The steaks will be higher than ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874yz1/theres_a_new_grillhouse_in_new_york_thats_opening/
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A vegan, an Italian and a Prius owner walk into a bar.

I know this because they told me when they walked in the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874xp7/a_vegan_an_italian_and_a_prius_owner_walk_into_a/
%
I bought a box of mothballs the other day, but I don't think they work.

Maybe I'm just not throwing them hard enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874xh4/i_bought_a_box_of_mothballs_the_other_day_but_i/
%
What does a Polish man give his bride on their wedding night that's long and hard?

his last name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874x45/what_does_a_polish_man_give_his_bride_on_their/
%
I like to estimate,

but that's just me I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874wdz/i_like_to_estimate/
%
An elderly prospector was mining for gold with his daughter, Anne.

He chipped away and mined the ore while she maintained the camp and washed and organized anything he found.
They had a system where any time she found something special, she would light a special red lantern to let him know.
She wasn't very good at identifying gold though, and often misinterpreted the shine from mica or quartz as the gleam of a gold nugget.
After the third time in a day that she lit up the red lantern to falsely notify him of a newly found nugget, he grew angry and yelled at her.
"God dammit! They're rocks, Anne. You don't have to put on the red light!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874wd2/an_elderly_prospector_was_mining_for_gold_with/
%
2 old ladies at a nursing home

There's two older ladies sitting on a park bench outside their nursing home chatting it up and having a few cigarettes when it suddenly starts to rain.
One of the ladies is moving around her umbrella and trying to hold up her coat to keep her cigarette from getting wet but it's not working too well.  The other lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom, opens it, rolls it out and cuts the end off. She puts it over her cigarette and keeps puffing away.
"Hey, that's a great idea, where did you come up with that?" she asks. "Oh, my husband was in ww2 and came home with lots of great uses for condoms as they passed them out as rations for all sorts of things."
A few days later they take a bus trip down to the local pharmacy.  As she's picking up her meds she remembers the condom trick.  She is sheepishly looking around at the huge selection of condoms when the pharmacist spots her.  He asks her if she needs any help and she is very relieved that he came to her aid.
"Well", she exclaims, "I need some condoms but there are so many to choose from."
"It's ok, we have all different kinds, is there anything particular you needed?"
"Well, I suppose it doesn't matter just as long as they are big enough to fit a camel".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874rki/2_old_ladies_at_a_nursing_home/
%
Two men are in a pub

One says to his mate, “My mother-in law is an angel.”  His friend replies, “You’re lucky. Mine is still alive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874p07/two_men_are_in_a_pub/
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What did the long-suffering hitman say to his over-bearing wife?

I missed you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874o9b/what_did_the_longsuffering_hitman_say_to_his/
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Three Penises in a bar

There's three penises in a bar drinking. They've been in jeans all day and need to relax. Well, they have a few beers and get to talking. They decide to see who's master was the best.
Penis #1: My master holds me all the time, and he let's me out whenever I want.
Penis #2: My master shows me off all the time, strokes me every day, and let's me hang in the cold water when he sits.
Penis #3: ( head down ) *sigh* well you guys win, my master is awful, every night he puts me in a rubber suit, throws me into a dark fishy smelling cave and makes me do push ups until I spew.
*if this is a repost, I apologize and if its not appropriate for this sub, I will gladly move it.*
**edit**: word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874nha/three_penises_in_a_bar/
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Dude bet me he could convince me to give him my wallet... and it worked.

I had to hand it to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874lmk/dude_bet_me_he_could_convince_me_to_give_him_my/
%
Masturbation

It cums in handie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874l45/masturbation/
%
A 14 year old boy walks into a brothel with a dead frog.

He approaches the first woman he sees and says “I’d like a woman for the night please”.
The woman replies “Don’t you think you’re a bit young to be in a place like this?”
The boy silently produces a large wad of notes from his back pocket and hands it to her. She looks shocked but says “I’m sure we can accommodate you sir, do you have any preferences?”
The boy replies “Yes, I’d like someone with a sexual disease please.”
Again the woman looks shocked but answers “I’m sorry but all of our girls are clean”
Once more the boy reaches into a pocket and produces another large wad of notes. The woman says “Go on up to room 2, the girl in there has herpes.”
The boy nods and makes his way upstairs. He comes back down 30 minutes later still holding the dead frog and makes for the exit. Before he reaches the door the woman he’d been speaking to earlier catches up to him and says “Sir, I hope you had a nice time and thanks for being so generous but I’ve just got to ask why a young boy like yourself wants a woman with herpes and why are you carrying a dead frog.
The boy replies “well now that I’ve fucked the woman upstairs, I’ve got herpes. When I get home I’ll fuck the baby sitter and she’ll get herpes. When my parents get home my dad will drop the baby sitter off and he’ll fuck her so he’ll have herpes. When he gets back he’ll fuck my mother and she’ll have herpes. Tomorrow when my dad’s in work my mother will fuck the postman and he’ll have herpes. And he’s the bastard who killed my frog!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874kdt/a_14_year_old_boy_walks_into_a_brothel_with_a/
%
A cop on a horse stops a little girl on a bike

“Did Santa get you that bike?”
“Yes,” replies the little girl.
“Well next year tell him to put a reflector light on it!” and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says “Nice horse, did Santa bring you that?”
The cop chuckles and replies “He sure did!”
“Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874jri/a_cop_on_a_horse_stops_a_little_girl_on_a_bike/
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What's the difference between a chic pea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874gel/whats_the_difference_between_a_chic_pea_and_a/
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For my birthday, my friend bought me a book called, "Road Kill Recipes". As luck would have it, the very next day, I came across some road kill, so I cooked it according to one of the recipes in the book and it was delicious...

I'm just not sure what I should do with the bike...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874fgn/for_my_birthday_my_friend_bought_me_a_book_called/
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What do you call a hairy puzzle?

Pubik's Cube.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874f60/what_do_you_call_a_hairy_puzzle/
%
What's silver and tastes like blood?

Razor Blades!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874ex2/whats_silver_and_tastes_like_blood/
%
I was out drinking with a friend and saw two old drunks across the bar. I said, “that’s totally going to be us in 10 years.”

He said, “that’s a mirror, dipshit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874dqz/i_was_out_drinking_with_a_friend_and_saw_two_old/
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Why couldn't the police officer take a nap?

Because he needed an a-rest warrant first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874bho/why_couldnt_the_police_officer_take_a_nap/
%
If I would have to describe myself in one word:

"I can't count"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874a2j/if_i_would_have_to_describe_myself_in_one_word/
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What do you call a knight’s horse that’s misbehaving?

A knight mare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874823/what_do_you_call_a_knights_horse_thats_misbehaving/
%
Last night I dreamt that I was a wedding cake.

I woke up in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8745iq/last_night_i_dreamt_that_i_was_a_wedding_cake/
%
The police are like chocolates

They'll kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8743p2/the_police_are_like_chocolates/
%
What is Samuel L. Jacksons favorite Greek play?

Oedipus Rex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8742la/what_is_samuel_l_jacksons_favorite_greek_play/
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Annoyingly, my dishwasher has stopped working

I guess it might have been something to with the fact that I was only paying him $1 a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8741pu/annoyingly_my_dishwasher_has_stopped_working/
%
I'm looking for a tiny Scottish pole

But all I can find on here is wee posts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/874144/im_looking_for_a_tiny_scottish_pole/
%
[OC] What's the difference between a BMW and a horse?

Blinkers actually serve a purpose on a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8740vi/oc_whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_horse/
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The Pope visits New York

Recently after the Pope was elected he learned from his most trusted Cardinals that people don't seem to have faith in the Church anymore. Upon learning this news he decides to go speak with Cardinals around the world about ideas on how to get people to have faith in the Church again.
He tells the Cardinals at the Vatican that hes going to speak to the Cardinal in New York. He tells them he does not want it to be high profile and to not let the media find out. They agree upon the condition that hes back by the next morning to host morning mass, he agrees.
Upon landing in NY his driver takes him to St. Patricks Cathedral where he meets with the Cardinal. After several hours of talking the Pope looks out the window to see its night time, he jumps up and says he must go so he can return to the Vatican in time for morning mass. They say their goodbyes and the Pope runs out to the driver and hops in the car.
The Pope tells the driver he needs to floor it since he has to be at the airport in 30 minutes or else he'll be late to morning mass. The driver tells him he cannot exceed the speed limit cause he can lose his job if ticketed. The Pope understands and tells the driver to switch spots and that he'll drive.
The Pope gets onto the highway and is doing 120mph. A cop sees the limousine and proceeds to pull him over. The Cop says to his partner, "I'm sick of these rich people in their limos thinking their above the law, I'm really gonna give it to this guy." The cop walks up to the limo window and sees it the Pope. He turns ghostly white and proceeds to wave the Pope to leave. So the Pope rolls up the windows and pulls off.
The cop gets back in his car and his partner says, "What happened? Thought you were gonna really give it to him." The cops says, "Nah man, it was too big." Partner says, "Mayor?" The cop shakes his head. "Governor?" Cop shakes his head again. The President!?" Cop shakes his head. The partner asks, "Who the hell his bigger than the President!?" The cop says, "I don't know, but the Pope is his chauffeur."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/873z9t/the_pope_visits_new_york/
%
My granddad was something of a legend: he actually went down in history

and on one occasion, fingered a girl in geography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/873uc6/my_granddad_was_something_of_a_legend_he_actually/
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A British man

asks and American,
“Why don’t you spell colour, armour, or flavour the same way as we do?”
The American replied,
“We got rid of u in 1776.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/873o6l/a_british_man/
%
My wife said: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’

I said: ‘That’s a myth.’ She said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly`

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/873nep/my_wife_said_did_you_know_butterflies_only_live/
%
When I was born God gave me a choice.

I could either have a big Dick or a great memory.
For the life of me I cant remember which I chose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/873n28/when_i_was_born_god_gave_me_a_choice/
%
What does a deaf kid missing 3 fingers do?

Stutter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/873m6d/what_does_a_deaf_kid_missing_3_fingers_do/
%
What did the rug say to the Christmas tree?

I can see your balls hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/873ket/what_did_the_rug_say_to_the_christmas_tree/
%
I think the March for Our Lives Movement is slowing down.

I mean, first they were running for their lives, now they're just marching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/873efd/i_think_the_march_for_our_lives_movement_is/
%
My Point Exactly

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.
When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/873coo/my_point_exactly/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

Because pterodactyls are extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/873b5b/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_in_the_bathroom/
%
There was a meeting for evil clowns to boast about their evil

First, pennywise stepped up and said,"I've killed millions of children!"
Then the joker stepped up and said," I've killed millions of  adults without any super powers!"
Then the last of the group, Ronald Mcdonald, stepped up with a smile.
" I've killed millions of all ages without any super powers AND they paid me for it!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/873a8x/there_was_a_meeting_for_evil_clowns_to_boast/
%
My flatmates and I got into a massive argument about using the boiler today.

Things got heated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/873309/my_flatmates_and_i_got_into_a_massive_argument/
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Why do the french only have one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is an oeuf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8730ec/why_do_the_french_only_have_one_egg_for_breakfast/
%
Whats the difference between inlaws and outlaws...

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872yqr/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
A ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka...

The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872von/a_ghost_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_shot_of/
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I studied human thought and cuisine in the Middle East.

I earned my bachelor's in Falafelsophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872utn/i_studied_human_thought_and_cuisine_in_the_middle/
%
Love is like a fart

If you have to force it, it’s probably shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872rqt/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
What's the thing that moms love but kids hate?

Spankings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872ron/whats_the_thing_that_moms_love_but_kids_hate/
%
I got arrested today for not opening the door for my neighbour...

Apparently it's illegal to keep him locked inside my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872rml/i_got_arrested_today_for_not_opening_the_door_for/
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In desperation I’ve been trying to meet girls through my Ouija Board

But they keep ghosting me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872oxh/in_desperation_ive_been_trying_to_meet_girls/
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What happens to a math major when he flunks out of school?

The aftermath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872m8r/what_happens_to_a_math_major_when_he_flunks_out/
%
What do you call a group of horse stables?

A NEIGH-borhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872lah/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_horse_stables/
%
I live in a small town and we only have two police officers

Yet I was still unlucky enough to be pulled over.
There I was, lying face-down on the pavement in a puddle of my own puke with a bottle next to me, car door open.
'hey there, having a good night I see. could you please stand up for me sir?'
I obliged.
'right. Now I'm going to have to get you to breathe into this for me'
I took a few drags of the breathalyser.
'oh dear. It looks like you've consumed well over the legal limit of alcohol before taking to the roads, which as I'm sure you know is a criminal offence.'
I nodded and drunkenly slurred an apology.
'is that...' he pointed to the open trunk of my car, 'is that... Cocaine?'
'srry yes could be I'm very officer sorry' I sputtered.
'and is that... A full 2 grams of black-tar heroin I see?'
I couldn't deny it.  He frowned.
'well quite frankly Eddie you've stooped to a whole new level. I think you should clean yourself up and get some sleep, we're starting early  tomorrow.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872l93/i_live_in_a_small_town_and_we_only_have_two/
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What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

Porcupines have their pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872jww/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
%
I asked my Imaginary Friend if we could ever have sex, and do you know what she said?

"In your dreams."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872iag/i_asked_my_imaginary_friend_if_we_could_ever_have/
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Retired General meets a younger woman at a party...

and after getting a little flirty, the woman asks him the last time he made love to a woman.  The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, surprised, said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
[Military Time joke]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872hdj/retired_general_meets_a_younger_woman_at_a_party/
%
What do you call a Chinese skydiver?

Fall-Ling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872gok/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_skydiver/
%
If at first you don't succeed...

... then bomb disposal probably isn't the career for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872ftt/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
I used to believe in the flat earth theory

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872dp3/i_used_to_believe_in_the_flat_earth_theory/
%
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met...

...and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got a very small penis: very microscopic and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his penis grew until it was quite impressively long.
"Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his penis grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and then nearly pulled my ears off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/872dc8/a_martian_couple_and_an_earthling_couple_have_met/
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Walking down the beach...

I stumbled upon a young woman with no arms and no legs. I introduced myself and one thing let to another and she told me she had never been kissed before. The nice guy that I am, I gave her a passionate kiss and I was on my way.
The next day I find her in the same spot on the beach and she tells me that she has never been felt up before. So we kiss and I feel her up and I am on my way again.
The third day, she is in the same spot as before. I can see the nervousness on her face as she tells me that she's never been fucked before. So, being the kind of guy I am, I pick her up, take her in my arms and throw her into the ocean. I say, "Now you're fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87298t/walking_down_the_beach/
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What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?

Get in the Batmobile Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8727zg/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_they_got_in/
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Why is Facebook...

Why is Facebook like Jail?
"You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8727q0/why_is_facebook/
%
What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife.

Nothing, he's Gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8726tj/what_did_spartacus_say_to_the_cannibal_who_killed/
%
Who's the most musical snake in the army?

Major scales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8726nd/whos_the_most_musical_snake_in_the_army/
%
My 3 year old just dropped this one on me.

Him: Knock knock
Also him: who’s there?
Him again: banana
...
...
...
Me: I don’t get it.
Him: don’t worry about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87246f/my_3_year_old_just_dropped_this_one_on_me/
%
So j made a joke up

A master chef dies goes to heaven. Immediatly he finds himself in the kitchen doing what he loves. He begins cooking all the foood just like he did when he was alive. Finally he gets a strange order, a steak well done sprinkled with holy water. So he asks whats up with this order.
For Christs steak Micheal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87235o/so_j_made_a_joke_up/
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A famous restaurant critic is eating soup at a fancy restaurant.

This critic was well-known in the industry for his arrogance and rudeness, as well as his overall sloppiness. So it came as no surprise when mid-course he dropped his spoon on the floor, and angrily gestured to get a waiter's attention. When a waiter approached, the critic noticed a spoon tucked in the waiter's shirt pocket, and unceremoniously snatched it and scooped a spoonful of soup into his mouth.
He was about to dismiss the waiter, when he noticed a string dangling from the waiter's fly. With a grimace of distaste, the critic said, "You have a string sticking out of your fly."
"We don't call it a 'fly', sir," remarked the waiter drily.
"What the hell do you call it then?" inquired the critic.
"The 'bus depot'," said the waiter.
"Bus depot?"
"Yes, sir. It's where we park our bus."
"You mean your johnson?"
"Yes, sir. We call it our 'bus'."
"So what's the string for?"
"Well, sir, in this establishment we take great care to never touch our buses with our fingers, lest we God forbid transmit a digestive malady to our guests. So, when nature calls, we use the string to pull our buses out of the depot. Upon completion, we use a special tool to drive our buses back inside."
By this time the critic was rapidly losing interest and waving the waiter away. "Yeah, yeah, TMI, bub. You can go. Thanks for the spoon."
"Oh, that's not a spoon, sir."
"It's not? What the hell is it?"
... just... can't think of a punchline...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8722vi/a_famous_restaurant_critic_is_eating_soup_at_a/
%
"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space."

Terrible joke. Only three stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8722bf/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
%
With faint voice, crucified Jesus calls Petrus...

"Petrus, come closer, I have to tell you something important."
Petrus steps to the cross, looking up to Jesus: "Yes master, what is it?"
"Please come closer.", Jesus whispers.
Petrus takes a ladder and climbs up to Jesus. "Yes master, I'm here, what is it?"
Jesus: "From up here I can see our house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8720xd/with_faint_voice_crucified_jesus_calls_petrus/
%
A farmer needs to replace his aging rooster.

A farm needs to replace his rooster so he goes to a local breeder and buys a young rooster to keep his business going.
After placing the young rooster in the pen the older one approaches.
Older rooster says, “look I’m old and don’t have much fight in me, you can have these hens but let me keep my dignity. If you just chase me around and put on a good show I’ll let you win and you can roost here.
The young rooster seeing no down side agrees.
The young rooster starts to chase the older rooster around the pen.
The farmer comes out with his gun wondering what the fuss is and then ends up shooting the young rooster and angrily says “damnit, the breeder gave me another gay rooster”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87203s/a_farmer_needs_to_replace_his_aging_rooster/
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There is a local beer company here in Utah called Polygamy Porter

Their motto is "Beer so good, why not have more than one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871xzh/there_is_a_local_beer_company_here_in_utah_called/
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Velcro!

What a rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871xqi/velcro/
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Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to children...

Old girlfriends seem to get offended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871xfq/apparently_you_can_only_say_look_at_you_you_got/
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What does a clock do when it is hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871sga/what_does_a_clock_do_when_it_is_hungry/
%
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street...

... when they see the brunette's boyfriend coming out of a florists with a huge bouquet of flowers.
"oh no", says the brunette, "now he'll want me on my back with my legs in the air".
"why?", asks the blonde. "Don't you have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871rp8/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_walking_down_the/
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Figured out who to blame for the earthquakes.

It’s the earth’s fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871n6z/figured_out_who_to_blame_for_the_earthquakes/
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What do you call an insomniac vampire?

Count Sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871mxx/what_do_you_call_an_insomniac_vampire/
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I got in a big fight with my wife last night

and things got pretty crazy.  In the end though, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees, and you know what she said?
"Get out from under the bed you fucking pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871mp6/i_got_in_a_big_fight_with_my_wife_last_night/
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How many cops did it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None. He fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871lrs/how_many_cops_did_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
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What's in the canister?

The R6 Community

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871ioh/whats_in_the_canister/
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A cat walks into a bar...

Bartender asks what he'll have.
Cat orders a White Russian.
Bartender says he's out of vodka.
Cat is fine with that, thats actually how he prefers it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871ijv/a_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man robs a bank wearing a balaclava

'Did you see my face?' he asks to the teller.
'Just a little bit.'
Bang. He shoots her.
'Did you see my face' he says to another teller.
'Only briefly' he says.
Bang. He shoots him.
He turns to a Scotsman who is standing beside him.
'Did you see my face?' he says
'No. I didn't,' says the Scotsman  'But my wife, she saw your face.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871ihl/a_man_robs_a_bank_wearing_a_balaclava/
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How did the leper hockey game end?

There was a face off in the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871eqo/how_did_the_leper_hockey_game_end/
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Gorilla

A young girl hit puberty and her body started to change. One day she noticed she was getting hair down there. She went to her mom confused and the mom explained “that’s your gorilla and it’s getting hair. “  Very excited the young girl went to her older sister and exclaimed “my gorilla is getting hair! “. The older sister looked at her and said “that’s nothing, my gorilla is already eating bananas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871d51/gorilla/
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A teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence.

"The sky is definitely blue," said one girl.
"Nice try but the sky can be black or purple or even orange," replied the teacher.
"The grass is definitely green," said a little boy.
"Well... The grass can be brown too."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"Are farts solid?" asked little Johnny.
Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, "No Johnny."
"Well I definitely pooped my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871crs/a_teacher_asked_her_class_to_use_definitely_in_a/
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The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve mojitos here."

The disappointed mojito gets up and walks out of the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871cii/the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_mojitos/
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About to play chess with a good friend from Prague

Czech mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871be8/about_to_play_chess_with_a_good_friend_from_prague/
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What do you call a story that never ends?

b∞k

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871bca/what_do_you_call_a_story_that_never_ends/
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I'm not an expert in masturbation

But I hold my own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/871abc/im_not_an_expert_in_masturbation/
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Dark jokes are kinda like food

Some people just don’t get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8719zp/dark_jokes_are_kinda_like_food/
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Three Americans who died in battle: a World War I soldier, a World War II soldier, and a Civil War soldier are waiting to get into heaven

Since there seems to be a massive line of people ahead of them, they decide to start chatting amongst themselves.
The WWI soldier says, "So, there I was in the trenches, fightin' that evil German overlord with ridiculous facial hair!"
The WWII soldier says, "Well, *I* was on Omaha Beach fightin' another evil German overlord with ridiculous facial hair!"
And then the Civil War soldier says, "Well, the guy I was fighting, he had some German ancestry I guess, and the ridiculous hair wasn't exactly on his face; you know what, lemme just show you his account on Twitter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8719ow/three_americans_who_died_in_battle_a_world_war_i/
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I had a vasectomy

Two months ago, I had a vasectomy for health reasons and a week after the operation, I was asked by the doctor to produce a sample of my semen for confirmation by the hospital.
When I was walking to the hospital, I realized the lid of the bottle in my pocket was off but still decided to go to the hospital. I told the nurse what happened and she smiled, saying “Sorry sir, I think you’re going to have to come again”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8716oz/i_had_a_vasectomy/
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Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman:
"Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker,
"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.  He eats this one too.
Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie... "
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your magic trick?"
The Scotsman says:
"Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8716dv/magic_trick/
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A woman sues a man for defamation of character...

A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig. The man is found guilty and made to pay damages.
After the trial, he asks the judge, “Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?”
The judge says,“That is correct.”
“And does it mean that I can’t call a pig Ms. Harding?”
“No,” says the judge,“you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that.”
The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, “Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8713h5/a_woman_sues_a_man_for_defamation_of_character/
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Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8713de/why_do_the_brits_still_use_u_in_words_like_colour/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8712zf/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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What's the best thing about shagging a transvestite?

When you reach round, it feels like it's gone all the way through!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87112l/whats_the_best_thing_about_shagging_a_transvestite/
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Holding an egg is like holding a baby

You can only drop it once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870zfs/holding_an_egg_is_like_holding_a_baby/
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Chrome and Microsoft edge were having an argument when suddenly...

Microsoft edge stopped responding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870yw2/chrome_and_microsoft_edge_were_having_an_argument/
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If guys in relationships celebrate Valentines's Day, what do single guys celebrate?

Palm Sunday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870yln/if_guys_in_relationships_celebrate_valentiness/
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You know, weddings are very emotional events.

Even the cake is in tiers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870y1q/you_know_weddings_are_very_emotional_events/
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Three passengers are trapped with only two parachutes aboard a plane with a failing engine

They were Donald Trump, an old man, and a schoolgirl.
Donald Trump grabs a pack, saying; "Look, losers- I am the most intelligent, smartest president ever, okay? I have so many words, the best words- and anyway, you (pointing at the old man) look Mexican, and you, (pointing at the schoolgirl) you're a 6 at best, so I should have a parachute; trust me, folks.
Before either of the other two could stop him, he had taken the pack and jumped out of the plane with it.
"My dear," the old man began, talking to the schoolgirl; "I have lived a long happy life already. Take the other parachute for yourself".
She replies, "Don't worry, sir, there's another parachute for you too!" as she tosses him one.
"The most intelligent, smartest president ever jumped out with my schoolbag!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870wzb/three_passengers_are_trapped_with_only_two/
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Just saw the price of cigarettes and I realized there's no such thing as a smoker

The cigarette smokes, they are just the suckers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870wvk/just_saw_the_price_of_cigarettes_and_i_realized/
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Why is Superman so trusting?

Because he can throw everyone *really* far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870vsn/why_is_superman_so_trusting/
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Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?

Son: Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Well son its an anagram of Easter your mum loved Easter.
Son: Okay thanks dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870tx4/dad_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
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If the ZIP code for Beverly Hills is 90210, what's the ZIP code for Dawson's Creek?

90108
(for our lives to be over)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870q5p/if_the_zip_code_for_beverly_hills_is_90210_whats/
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I've come to the realization

that my tinder profile is so bad that even bots won't swipe right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870q2m/ive_come_to_the_realization/
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I had an interview for a party supplies store where I had to inflate a balloon as a test...

...I blew it :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870p9a/i_had_an_interview_for_a_party_supplies_store/
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I think my old math teacher may have been a war criminal....

Every single time in class he would start talking about the 'ex-Axis'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870ogd/i_think_my_old_math_teacher_may_have_been_a_war/
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What do you call a secret agent from Ireland?

Dublin 07

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870ofl/what_do_you_call_a_secret_agent_from_ireland/
%
A guy walks in to an appliance store

And the salesman immediately approaches him saying:
"Sir, would you be interested in a 4K Super smart tv with a voice remote, connection to youtube,netflix and social sites and instant access to thousands of channels around the world"
"Okay... For how much?"
"ONLY 5 dollars" - Says the salesman
"Alright, I'll buy it!"
"And now, what about a brand new laundry machine, washes AND dries clothes in less than 10 minutes, it can even dry things of different colors and they will stay the same!"
"How much?
"5 dollars"
The man grows suspicious but still buys it
"Now" - Says the salesman - " Here's a hi-tech fridge that..."
"OK, hold on, this costs 5 dollars too?"
"Yes indeed!"
"Why is everything at 5 dollars? Were these stolen?"
"No, not at all" - Says the salesman - "You see, my boss is in bed with my wife as we speak, what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870n37/a_guy_walks_in_to_an_appliance_store/
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870lsn/a_few_days_after_christmas_a_mother_was_working/
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Little old lady puts her hand up a Scotsman's kilt and says "what are these for?"

"Four?!" he exclaims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870lbf/little_old_lady_puts_her_hand_up_a_scotsmans_kilt/
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What is the most sensitive part of a man's anatomy while he is masturbating?

His ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870ji4/what_is_the_most_sensitive_part_of_a_mans_anatomy/
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My midlife crisis started today...

I met the greatest girl at work, and she was into me, too.  When we got off of work I took her to the park, we got carryout and went back to my place, and we were having a blast watching Netflix together.
When it finally came time for her to go she just lay there on my bed, obviously wanting to stay the night. So we had the greatest sex if my life and then she spent the night.
I drove her to work the next morning and when I saw the police outside waiting for me I realized that my career choices had been poor up until now. Maybe being a mortician isn't really for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870jar/my_midlife_crisis_started_today/
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"I'm Jesus Christ."

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870j9g/im_jesus_christ/
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I don't get women.

My wife said she bought this lingerie for me, but then got boiling angry when I put it on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870ier/i_dont_get_women/
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Have you ever?

Have you ever looked at a hot Mexican girl and thought, "I want to put a citizen in you"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870i1p/have_you_ever/
%
I have a fear of highly sophisticated engineering constructs

It's a case of Complex Complex Complex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870hxj/i_have_a_fear_of_highly_sophisticated_engineering/
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Did you guys hear about the boy who got decapitated in a water slide incident?

On the plus side, everyone got to jump a head in line.
(Sorry for how terrible this joke is. I came up with it when the news story first hit like a year ago, but didn't think to post until recent news regarding the accident made me remember it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870her/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_boy_who_got/
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Why are all gay people well dressed?

Because they spend way too much time in the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870gr3/why_are_all_gay_people_well_dressed/
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A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm...

...his wife wakes up and asks him what he's doing.
He says, 'Honey, this is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache.'.
The wife sneers at him and says, 'You idiot, that isn't a pig, it's a sheep!'.
The husband replies, ' I wasn't talking to you.'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870ge9/a_man_walks_into_his_bedroom_with_a_sheep_under/
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A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.

The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870fcq/a_woman_walks_into_a_library_and_asked_if_they/
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A masked guy comes into a bank with a gun.

He presses it against the teller's forehead and demands money.
The lady behind the counter says "sir, i think you messed up, this isn't just any bank, we don't deal in money. We keep semen. This is a sperm bank."
"Oh yeah??!" says the robber...
"Why don't you take a vial and chug it then?"
The bank worker has no choice and promptly grabs a vial of sperm and drinks it bottoms-up.
The robber proceeds to take of his mask and turns out to be the bank worker's boyfriend. He says with a broad smile:
"SEE YOU CAN!! YOU JUST NEVER WANT TO!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870eca/a_masked_guy_comes_into_a_bank_with_a_gun/
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A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.
The waiter responds, “I assure you it’s not. In the morning he makes donuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870e45/a_guy_walks_into_a_diner_and_sees_the_fry_cook/
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“Do you really have to lick the knife!?” she asked with a disapproving frown. “Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit.” I said, chuckling. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?!”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870cc7/do_you_really_have_to_lick_the_knife_she_asked/
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This guy was down on his luck...

He lost his job and was really in debt, so he decided to end it all. He went to a bridge outside town and was ready to jump, when out of the gathering fog he saw a figure coming slowly toward him. It was the ugliest woman he’d ever seen and she was wearing a conical hat.
“Who the hell are you?” he asked.
“I’m a witch,” she said. “And I have magic powers. I’ll make you a deal. If you make love to me for twenty-four hours, I’ll cast a spell on every one you owe money to. I’ll cast a spell on your boss. I’ll make your life good again with my powers.”
He looked at her again. She was really ugly and he didn’t want to cheat on his wife, but he figured he had nothing to lose since he was going to kill himself. So they went to a local motel and, ugly as she was, they made love all day and all night.
The next morning when he got up, he looked over at her. She was still ugly. She looked at him and asked, “How old are you?”
“I’m forty-five,” he answered.
She looked at him and said, “Aren’t you a little old to believe in witches?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870b7y/this_guy_was_down_on_his_luck/
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million.

His bookkeeper is deaf and mute. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/870ax3/a_mafia_godfather_finds_out_that_his_bookkeeper/
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A miracle hearing

In a church in one Sunday morning a preacher said,
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."
With that, Peter got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked,
"Peter, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
He replied,
"Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand on Peter's ear, placed his other hand on top of Peter's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Peter, how is your hearing now?"
Peter answered,
"I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the magistrate court."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8709by/a_miracle_hearing/
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Well it finally happened; my beloved computer stopped working. Took it to the shop for a new one.

It was such a hard drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87096u/well_it_finally_happened_my_beloved_computer/
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I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital

Just to test their patients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8705n8/i_always_park_in_handicapped_spaces_at_the/
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Why shouldn't you trust fake owls?

Because they tell you false-hoots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8704dw/why_shouldnt_you_trust_fake_owls/
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Where do French fries originally come from?

Grease

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/87028v/where_do_french_fries_originally_come_from/
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A nun at a Catholic School was asking her 10 year old students what they wanted to be when they grew up.

"Susie, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Susie said "I want to be a doctor."
"Very nice," the nun said. "Jenny what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Jenny said "I want to be a teacher."
"Excellent answer," the nun replied.  "Martha what are you going to be when you grow up."
Martha replies "I want to be a prostitute."
Hearing that the nun faints.
The little girls all rush forward to the nun laying on the ground and try to help her. Shortly the nun regains consciousness And says in a weak voice "Martha what did you just say you wanted to be when you grew up?"
Martha says "I said I wanted to be a prostitute."
"Oh thank goodness," the nun said "for a moment I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8701ro/a_nun_at_a_catholic_school_was_asking_her_10_year/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last as long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8700mn/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
My neighbour came banging on my door

Accusing me of stealing her underwear from her washing line. I almost shit her pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zxxa/my_neighbour_came_banging_on_my_door/
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A man with a stutter started his new job on a construction site...

Not sure if this is a repost, my father told me it when I was 11 years old.
A man with a stutter (Dave) started his new job on a construction site and was walking around with one of his colleagues (Jim) being given a tour of the site.
“Th-th-this is a pretty cool p-p-place. I’m so h-happy I got the job” Dave said.
Jim replies “Yeah man! It is a pretty easy going place to work too.”
Some time went by and Dave had almost finished learning the basics of working on the site.
Jim says to him “there’s one last thing you should know about working on this site, it can land you some easy money if you do it right.
Jim explains to Dave that the foreman for the site is “very gullible, and if you do something that saves the foreman from danger, he’ll throw an extra $50 onto your pay check for that week, let me show you an example”. Jim then proceeded to. Take Dave to the top floor of the site, directly above where the foreman was standing, and picked up a brick. “Watch this,” Jim says, “I’ll drop this from the top floor, onto the foreman’s head, but before it hits him, I’ll shout down to him to move out of the way!”
Dave seems worried... “i-i-isn’t that a b-bit dangerous?”
“Of course not! He’s not in any danger, he is used to this happening, after all he does work on a construction site” Jim replies.
Jim then proceeds to drop the brick down to the foreman, but as soon as he lets go he shouts “FOREMAN LOOK OUT!”
The foreman jumped away from where he was stood, and he shouts up to Jim -
“Thanks Jim! I owe you one! I’ll add an extra something to your pay check this week!”
Dave looked shocked “I-I can’t believe that w-worked!”
Jim chuckles and says “Of course it worked, I’m a genius!”
A few weeks passed by and Dave came to work one morning worrying about how he was going to make it through the week without coming short on his bills.
“I-I don’t know what I’m supposed to do! This n-n-never happens to m-me”
Jim thinks for a moment and suggests
“We could do that trick we did a few weeks ago with the brick, you remember?”
Dave gives it thought -
“I s-suppose I could try it...”
Jim takes Dave to the top floor of the site and reminds Dave of what he needs to do
“All you have to do is drop the brick above him, and then immediately shout down telling him to move, got it?”
“Y-yeah I understand”
Dave replies nervously.
Dave stepped to the edge and picked up the brick, then after a moment, he drops it. He then begun to shout
“F-F-F-Fuck I killed the foreman!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zxud/a_man_with_a_stutter_started_his_new_job_on_a/
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After both suffering from depression, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zx0x/after_both_suffering_from_depression_my_wife_and/
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How is a woman like a condom?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zuz1/how_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
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What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zs8h/what_happens_when_the_thermometer_breaks_during/
%
My computer beat me at chess...

So I beat my computer at kickboxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zrh1/my_computer_beat_me_at_chess/
%
A baker was smacked lightly with a baguette by his coworker.

He felt a small pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86znll/a_baker_was_smacked_lightly_with_a_baguette_by/
%
The Bible says that being gay is fine as long as the person is high.

" A man who lays with another man should be stoned "
- Leviticus 20:13 ESV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zmfg/the_bible_says_that_being_gay_is_fine_as_long_as/
%
A blonde walked into a library

Wait that’s not the whole joke!
And she asked the librarian, “Do you have pasta?”
The librarian rolled her eyes and answered, “ Miss, this is library.”
The blonde whisper, “ Do you have pasta?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zl9y/a_blonde_walked_into_a_library/
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A woman tanning on the beach sees Michael Jackson.

She says “Hey, get out of my son”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zk9o/a_woman_tanning_on_the_beach_sees_michael_jackson/
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Say what you want about deaf people...

That’s the whole joke, what else are you looking for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zjo6/say_what_you_want_about_deaf_people/
%
What did communists use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zj4k/what_did_communists_use_to_light_their_homes/
%
What do you call a cute neckbeard?

Fedorable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zioz/what_do_you_call_a_cute_neckbeard/
%
I was sitting on a train next to a hot Thai girl.

I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."
But.....she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zi1k/i_was_sitting_on_a_train_next_to_a_hot_thai_girl/
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A man goes to see his doctor

The doctor says, "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's."
The man says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zhz1/a_man_goes_to_see_his_doctor/
%
A worried blond woman asks her mum a question

:
> Mum, I know you went to France. Didn't you?
Yes, dear. How did you find out?
> And dad? Did he go to France?
No dear. You know you're dad as a proud Englishman hates France. You can be sure he never went to France.
...
Still I want to know how you found out that I went to France.
…
> Mum, I know you cheated on dead!
Holy burning tea! DEAR, I never would cheat on your dad! What in the world makes you come to that conclusion?
…
With tears in her eyes the blond replies:
> Mum. If dad never went to France, how come that on my brand new UK passport it's written in white on blue that I was “Made in France”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zhaq/a_worried_blond_woman_asks_her_mum_a_question/
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Two Cannibals Are Eating Amy Schumer

One of them asks the other “Does this taste funny?” And the other says “No”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zdx7/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
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A teacher does a classroom experiment

The teacher has three jars, one filled with alcohol, one filled with cigarette smoke, and one filled with soil.
The teacher puts a few worms in each jar and says to the students “we’ll see which jar is thriving tomorrow.”
The next day the worms in the jars with the alcohol and cigarette smoke are dead while the worms in the jar of the soil are alive and well. The teacher asks the students what they’ve learned from the experience. One student raises his hand and says, “well if I drink and smoke I won’t have worms in me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zc66/a_teacher_does_a_classroom_experiment/
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Warning - Never push the number 8 over;

The ramifications can go on forever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86zb14/warning_never_push_the_number_8_over/
%
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg

Best joke that's ever been told.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86z9iv/my_fake_plants_died_because_i_did_not_pretend_to/
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I made a joke about undelivered mail today.

Guess I'll have to repost tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86z8up/i_made_a_joke_about_undelivered_mail_today/
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A friend asked me if I'd lick his dog's asshole for $10000

I said that's a very tempting offer, but unfortunately I don't have $10000.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86z81y/a_friend_asked_me_if_id_lick_his_dogs_asshole_for/
%
I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.
"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller
"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied
"So everything else works?" I asked
He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume
"So you're gonna buy it?"
"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86z7kc/i_saw_a_tv_for_sale_for_1/
%
What is a giraffe's favorite fruit?

Necktarines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86z45l/what_is_a_giraffes_favorite_fruit/
%
There's a room full of 16 and 18 year olds.

Why aren't there any 17 year olds with them?
Because the 17 year olds are mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86yx94/theres_a_room_full_of_16_and_18_year_olds/
%
European monarchs are a lot like beef Wellington.

They're in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ywx3/european_monarchs_are_a_lot_like_beef_wellington/
%
What does anal sex and poverty have in common?

It makes you appreciate the little things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86yvg6/what_does_anal_sex_and_poverty_have_in_common/
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Your mommas so ugly

Her blowjobs count as anal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86yuue/your_mommas_so_ugly/
%
This joke has been in my family for quite a while. Translated to the best of my abilities.

A Fijian farmer loses an arm from a venomous snake bite. His entire livelihood crumbles as he can no longer provide for himself nor his hot wife who ends up leaving him. He decides to end the misery by jumping off a cliff. On his way, he spots a man with no arms jumping around with an overjoyed expression on his face. The one armed man is perplexed how someone can be this happy without any arms. Curious to know, he stops him and asks, "Hi. I just saw you there and I must know, how can you live so cheerfully without your arms? What's your secret?" Still jumping he says, "Sure I'll tell you anything you want. But first can you scratch my ass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ytzi/this_joke_has_been_in_my_family_for_quite_a_while/
%
One night, as a couple lays down for bed....

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86yrzv/one_night_as_a_couple_lays_down_for_bed/
%
A Greek guy walks into a tavern and sees two sea monsters arguing

"What's up with them?" he asks.
"Oh, that's scylla and charybdis."
"Are they usually this angry?"
"Yeah, but they're not violent. Just don't get between them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86yqwo/a_greek_guy_walks_into_a_tavern_and_sees_two_sea/
%
My first condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86yqmq/my_first_condom/
%
What do you call a bee who lives in America

A USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ypgc/what_do_you_call_a_bee_who_lives_in_america/
%
A Chinese man rings his boss....

A Chinese man rings his boss, “Me no work today I sick.”
Boss says, “When I’m sick, I make love with my wife. Try that.”
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back, “Me better, you got nice house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ypb1/a_chinese_man_rings_his_boss/
%
Losing my virginity was like my first football game...

It hurt a lot, but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86yo26/losing_my_virginity_was_like_my_first_football/
%
It's no longer politically correct to call them tweakers.

They're Methican Americans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86yl0u/its_no_longer_politically_correct_to_call_them/
%
A lot of reddit hates capitalism

I haven't been sold on the idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ykoa/a_lot_of_reddit_hates_capitalism/
%
Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA...

Avengers... Assemble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ykdr/thor_iron_man_and_hulk_walk_into_ikea/
%
The town drunk...

The town drunk is sitting at his local watering hole spending his freshly arrived welfare money, keeping to himself at the end of the bar.
A gay man walks into the bar and keeps staring at the drunk.  He can’t believe how good looking he is.  The gay man has a few drinks all while staring at the drunkard from across the room the entire time, drawn to how attractive this man is.
The gay man wonders if this guy would be into a quick fling and if he’s ever experimented with another man, all while continuing to drink.
Finally he says “what do I have to lose” and stumbles over to the drunk, quite a bit tipsy himself by this time.
He slides up next to the drunk and whispers into the ear,  slurring his words.  “I’m not sure if you’ve ever been with another man before, but how would you feel about getting a blowjob?”, he mumbles while the loud music of the bar is playing on the jukebox.
The drunkard turns his head slowly, looks at the gay man , stands up and mercilessly beats this poor man all across the bar before throwing him out the door of the bar and into the parking lot, leaving the gay man a bloody mess.
The bartender looks at the town drunk in disbelief.  “What could that poor man have said to you that upset you so badly that you had to go and do that to him?”
The drunk replies, “I don’t fucking know. It’s loud as fuck in here but he said something about how’d i’d like getting a job”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86yk8y/the_town_drunk/
%
A tour bus driver and old people joke.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he greatfully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86yjkx/a_tour_bus_driver_and_old_people_joke/
%
You know what the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?

Hey grandson, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ygjr/you_know_what_the_last_thing_my_grandfather_said/
%
A man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling, about 12 feet high. He asks the bartender, “Why are there these steaks hanging from the ceiling?”. The bartender then replies, “We have this challenge where of you can jump and hit one of the meats, you drink for free tonight, but if you miss, you have to buy drinks for everyone else in the bar. Wanna give it a try?”
The man then replies, “Nah, the steaks are too high”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86yeqt/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What kind of insurance do you buy for a horse and buggy?

Foal coverage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86yep0/what_kind_of_insurance_do_you_buy_for_a_horse_and/
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How do you recognize an extroverted engineer?

He’ll be looking at your shoes instead of his own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ye1s/how_do_you_recognize_an_extroverted_engineer/
%
That’s a deep well

Two guys were driving one night when the car breaks down on some back road. They decide to get out and walk to look for help.
They come across a well in the middle of a field. They look over the side but can’t see the bottom of this well.
“Let’s throw something down there to see how deep it is” one guy says. So they find a small rock and toss it in. They wait and listen but they never hear a splash.
“We have to throw something bigger in to make a bigger splash” they say. They find a bigger rock and toss it into the well. Still they don’t hear a splash.
They decide to continue looking for help. They walk down the road for a short distance when they find a car transmission just sitting in the field. They can’t resist. They grab the transmission and carry it to the well. They toss it in and listen carefully. Finally they hear a faint splash.
“That is a deep well” they both say as they turn to walk again. All of a sudden a goat comes running towards them. They jump out of the way and watch as the goat leaps straight into the well.
They look at each other and back at the well. Confused. They turn back to start walking again when a farmer runs up to them.
“Have you seen my goat?” the farmer asks.
“We hate to tell you this but your goat jumped in that well over there” they respond.
The farmer looks at the guys and says “That goat couldn’t have jumped in that well. I had him tied to a transmission”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86y93i/thats_a_deep_well/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20."
The second chemist says "I'll have some H20 too."
The bartender, catching on quickly, gives them both glasses of water.
The second chemist steps out behind the bar and begins crying, realizing that his suicide attempt has failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86y842/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you u call a bee that lives in america?

A USB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86y720/what_do_you_u_call_a_bee_that_lives_in_america/
%
People say that the President of the United States is a joke and no one respects him.

I dunno, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem like the sort of guy you'd mess with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86y282/people_say_that_the_president_of_the_united/
%
One day, a farmer found a strange, ancient-looking stone in his field.

Inscribed into it were characters of an apparent forgotten alphabet.  Images of priests in strange clothing conducting some bizarre ritual had been carved into the surface as well.
Not knowing whether his find was worth a fortune (and curious to know what was said on the tablet), the farmer drove the rock to the nearby university and spoke with a doctoral student in Archaeology.
"Hmm… hmm… how utterly fascinating!" the scholar mused.  "This writing bears absolutely no relationship to any of the historical alphabets that I know of from our area.  I have never seen anything even remotely like this before.  Let me ask one of the Assistant Professors, who is a specialist in alphabets, what she thinks about this and if she might be able to identify the origin."
The Assistant Professor entered, and she was just as flummoxed.  "I… I couldn't even begin to tell you the region of the world that this came from!  So completely unique!  Let me bring in the Emeritus Professor of Archaeology, whose life work has been spent decoding lost languages."
The Emeritus Professor arrived and stroked his beard, with a look of utter perplexity on his face.  He then took out his phone, snapped a photo of the rock, and uploaded it to r/jokes.
He then smirked.  "Ah, yes.  I've seen this a million times…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86y0qs/one_day_a_farmer_found_a_strange_ancientlooking/
%
How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86y03s/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
Her: I didn’t find any hair on your shirt! Him: So?

Her: Who’s the bald bitch?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86y00q/her_i_didnt_find_any_hair_on_your_shirt_him_so/
%
What happens when two cannon balls fall in love

They have bb’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86xxlg/what_happens_when_two_cannon_balls_fall_in_love/
%
What country has the least counterfeit money?

Brazil
All their money is real

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86xsq3/what_country_has_the_least_counterfeit_money/
%
I worked in a can recycling factory for 10 years

It was sodapressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86xmkg/i_worked_in_a_can_recycling_factory_for_10_years/
%
I used to be a beekeeper

I remained so until the Monkees came to my town. Rather than take care of my apiary, my girlfriend wanted me to take her to the concert. I didn't think she was serious, but then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee-leaver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86xkj6/i_used_to_be_a_beekeeper/
%
A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

But first, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician shows him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" replies the Polish man, "I went to school with the guy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86xils/a_polish_immigrant_goes_to_the_dmv_to_apply_for_a/
%
I know a great joke in Lorem Ipsum.

But it doesn't really translate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86xi5q/i_know_a_great_joke_in_lorem_ipsum/
%
Why don't cows wear flip flops?

They lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86xf4b/why_dont_cows_wear_flip_flops/
%
What person is always hard at work?

A male pornstar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86xe1m/what_person_is_always_hard_at_work/
%
Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Cause she's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86x9vo/why_cant_helen_keller_drive/
%
Showing His Age

Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” as she processes his social security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86x8ms/showing_his_age/
%
Two scared dads

Two kids are arguing over whose father was the biggest scaredy cat. Tommy says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bead.”
Peter replies, “Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86x85v/two_scared_dads/
%
I was holding the door open for a Japanese guy...

The Japanese guy was like "Sank you."
I punched him dead in the jaw. Smh bringing up Pearl Harbor like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86x70m/i_was_holding_the_door_open_for_a_japanese_guy/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

You don't need light bulbs when you have a glass ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86x58m/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
I found a stray dog the other day.

I think it's owner was a blacksmith, because as soon as I brought the thing home it made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86x2p5/i_found_a_stray_dog_the_other_day/
%
What do you call a lesbian that is driving a windstar full of dildos?

Dick Van Dyke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86x2oe/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_that_is_driving_a/
%
I'm gonna go stand outside...

so if anyone asks about me you can tell them I'm out standing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86x0ve/im_gonna_go_stand_outside/
%
I was gonna make a gay joke...

Butt fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86x0iv/i_was_gonna_make_a_gay_joke/
%
When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear.

After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86x0gc/when_i_was_a_kid_i_figured_out_how_to_play_the/
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Trump is on the phone with Queen Elizabeth II

They discussed politics, Brexit, and many other things for a few minutes, before Trump started off a new topic tangent;
"You know, I've been thinking, and your country- and may I say, it used be be a YUGE empire but is now full of migrants from shithole countries- is ruled by a monarch, so it's called a monarchy, right?"
"Yes, Mr. Trump, that's correct."
"Okay, okay, so then a country like Monaco, at least the parts that aren't no go zones filled with some very BAD people, believe me - is ruled by a prince, so it's called a principality, right?"
"Yes, Mr. Trump."
"Okay, so I was thinking, in order to make America great again, we need to rename ourselves a 'Presidentiality'. What do ya think?"
"Well, Mr. Trump, at the moment I think calling it a country suits things just fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wzj7/trump_is_on_the_phone_with_queen_elizabeth_ii/
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What did the leper say to the whore?

"Keep the tip"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wxrs/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_whore/
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I love dieting. I'm actually on 4 diets.

Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wxmz/i_love_dieting_im_actually_on_4_diets/
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Joe is sitting in the break room at work looking depressed [Long]

When one of his friends sits down and asks him “Hey, Joe. Are you alright? You haven’t been yourself lately.”
Joe looks up “Oh hey Frank. Nah haven’t been feeling good at all. Things at home aren’t that great, my sex life is in the bin, my wife and I have lost our fire.”
Frank says “Hey, you know what? I was having the same problem a few months ago and I went to this Doctor. He is amazing. All I did was tell him my situation and he suggested that I go out and buy a box of donuts and a bag of cherries. He then said that my wife and I should get naked and sit across the room from each other. Then she tries to toss the donuts to land on my hard-on while I toss cherries to try to get into her pussy, and if you ‘score a goal’ you have to eat it off of your partner. And Joe, it was amazing, it worked! It saved my marriage. Here is is number you should go, what have you got to lose? Here’s his number.”
Joe takes the number and decides to go see the Dr. He explains the problems he is having at home. After a few minutes of reviewing his notes the Dr looks up and says, “Well, looking at the information you gave me...my suggestion is to go out and buy a box of donuts and a bag of cherries. Sit naked across the room from your partner and toss them at each other. She will try to get the donuts on your manhood while you try to get it in her crotch.If you or your wife get a goal, you must eat it off your partner”
So Joe goes and gets the supplies and heads home. The next day he returns to work a new man. Joe finds Frank in the break room. “HEY FRANK! Thanks so much for telling me about that Doctor. He said the same thing, and we tried it and it was amazing. It’s like my wife and I are like horny teenagers again!”
“Great to hear it!” Says Frank. Then from across the room another guy comes up “Hey...can I get that number too? I’m having some problems at home..” So Frank gives him the number and the guy goes to the Doctor and explains his problems that he’s having in the bedroom.
So the Doctor reviews his notes and nods and says “Well, after reviewing the information you gave me..my suggestion is that you go out and buy a box of Cheerio’s and a bag of apples...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wwc9/joe_is_sitting_in_the_break_room_at_work_looking/
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What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo?

The Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and its Latin name. The Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wwbr/whats_the_difference_between_a_yankee_zoo_and_a/
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My wife asked me what the price of lamb meat is. I told her I didn’t know much but...

I know it ain’t sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wvw6/my_wife_asked_me_what_the_price_of_lamb_meat_is_i/
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A critic reserves a table at a popular restaurant

It's quite posh, but the restaurant's real claim to fame is the speed of service.
Sure enough, everything flows like clockwork. The diner is seated shortly after arriving, and a waiter arrives quickly to take his order.
While he's waiting for food, the man kids around the restaurant. The service seems excellent, and the staff move almost like dancers between the tables. He does notice one oddity, as all the servers have a spoon in their shirt pocket, and a string hanging from their trousers.
The man's meal arrives in short order, and he quickly forgets about strings and spoons while dining on a perfectly cooked steak and potatoes.
After finishing up, the waiter promptly arrives with the bill. The man compliments him on the food and service, and then once again notices the string and spoon.
"My good fellow", he says, "I'm very pleased with the meal and service, but I must admit to being curious. What is the purpose of the string and spoon?"
The waiter pulls the spoon from his pocket and replies, "well you see sir, the service and quality of this restaurant used to be quite poor, so the owner hired an expert to identity how we could improve. Among other things, it was found that the spoon was one of the most commonly dropped utensils, so to save time all servers carry one in their pocket to save a trip back to the kitchen"
"Ah," said the man, "I see. And what about the string?"
The waiter leans forward and answers, "well another inefficiency was the time it takes for bathroom breaks. The string is attached to the *ahem* genitals of the servers, allowing us to withdraw them at the urinals without touching. This in turn saves the need for long hand wash and improves efficiency"
The critic thinks for a moment, and while ur seems an odd thing he can't deny that it would save on efficiency. He's just about to settle the bill when he has another thought.
"Good sir, I understand that the string helps you withdraw, but how do you, er,  put things back in their place?"
The waiter leans in and whispers, "well, I don't know about the rest of these blokes, but I use the spoon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wv3t/a_critic_reserves_a_table_at_a_popular_restaurant/
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I used to work at an airport

One day a man came up to the counter absolutely seething.
He said 'first of all, I think that's my bag' and pointed to a suitcase sitting in lost property behind me.
'and second of all, I have it on good authority that my wife has been cheating on me behind my back with a member of this airport's staff!'
'oh, how awful' I responded.
'awful isn't bloody half of it! 'And it gets worse. They said that the man who did it has a beard, just like you do, blue eyes, just like you do and black hair just like yours. There's  just one too many coincidences for me to ignore here and I think you have some explaining to do. '
' listen' I said, 'I know how this sounds and I can see why you are so worried. But I can assure you sir that this simply just is not the case.'
'I did fuck your wife though'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wuix/i_used_to_work_at_an_airport/
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What's the difference between a girl and a washing machine?

When I dump my load into a washing machine it doesn't fucking follow me around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wsz5/whats_the_difference_between_a_girl_and_a_washing/
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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wsg9/a_teacher_asks_her_class_what_do_you_want_to_be/
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A communist joke often told by Ronald Reagan

Two Russian friends were taking a walk downtown during the height of the Soviet Union. The one looks around at his country and says "is this it? Have we achieved peak Communism?"
The other responds "oh, no my friend, it gets much worse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ws5p/a_communist_joke_often_told_by_ronald_reagan/
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What do you call a Christmas tree that only appears in action movies?

Spruce Willis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ws3v/what_do_you_call_a_christmas_tree_that_only/
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I had this really great seal clubbing joke I was telling my friend from Iqaluit last week...

but they were having Nunavut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wosu/i_had_this_really_great_seal_clubbing_joke_i_was/
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I asked my girl "how do you put 71 people in a car?"

She told me 2 in front and we go 69 in the back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wo5e/i_asked_my_girl_how_do_you_put_71_people_in_a_car/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wmhy/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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I said to my friend, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!”

He asked, “Are you mad at her?”
I cried, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wlvz/i_said_to_my_friend_my_girlfriend_keeps_asking_me/
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I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer.

He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86whsm/i_asked_my_buddy_if_he_always_puts_an_orange/
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What do you call an alligator with a gps?

Navigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wgyz/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_with_a_gps/
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Quick question.

What's Epistemophobia?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wg6v/quick_question/
%
In some languages, a double negative carries the negation through to its target. So in "I don't have no pencil," the "no" in "no pencil" indicates what I don't have. In others, while incorrect, a double negative is a positive. But, there is no known language where a double positive is a negative.

Yeah, right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86we76/in_some_languages_a_double_negative_carries_the/
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what do you call a cyclist without a helmet?

an organ donor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86wcky/what_do_you_call_a_cyclist_without_a_helmet/
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Me: There are no jokes to be made about sword fighting

Mate: What about when someone makes a good point against you?
Me: Touche

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86w9g9/me_there_are_no_jokes_to_be_made_about_sword/
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Don’t run with bag pipes. You could poke out an eye out or worse...

Get kilt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86w8qv/dont_run_with_bag_pipes_you_could_poke_out_an_eye/
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What do you call a factory that produces OK products?

Satisfactory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86w8dj/what_do_you_call_a_factory_that_produces_ok/
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A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!”

His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86w79r/a_guy_was_screaming_at_the_tv_run_idiot_run/
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The new recruit [Long]

Bob's out with the rest of his army troop on deployment out in the middle of nowhere. After a couple of months, the loneliness and sexual frustration starts reeeeeeally getting to him. He even tries subtly beating off in his bunk while the rest of the room's asleep, but gets sharply hissed at from the guy next to him. Bob internally curses that of course he got stuck next to the light sleeper.
After a bit of hushed scolding, the other guy softens up a bit. "I understand Bob, I really do. We all got urges, just don't wank around the rest of us dude. It's not right."
"Well what DO I do then?" Asks Bob frustratedly, "How do you survive without beating off this long? There aren't even any brothels nearby to pay for a bit of relief!"
The guy looks carefully at Bob and after a moment goes, "You know, you seem on the level. And more importantly, I don't want you wanking in here. There's a tree out about half a mile south of here. It's half hollow, but if you slide your dick in the small hole on the south side of it, you'll swear you were fucking the tightest pussy on earth."
Bob thinks this sounds absolutely ridiculous, but he's desperate. Of course he goes to check it out the very next night. Lo and behold, there's the tree, and yes, he can see a small hole perfectly shaped to slide a dick into. Shrugging his shoulders, he goes ahead - and the other guy was right! Tight as fuck, warm and soft, Bob half wonders if this is a magic tree.
Only takes a few seconds for him to bust a nut, he's so pent up.
He returns again a few days later and this time it’s even better than the last. However after finishing he hears a noise from the other side of the tree. He sees a man bent over inside the hollowed out tree and asks “Who are you?”
“I’m the bus driver”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86w4n2/the_new_recruit_long/
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The empty house across the street

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are sitting on a porch having a beer and looking at the empty house across the street.
They see two people walk in through the front door, and an hour later three people walk out.
“How interesting!” said the biologist.   “They must have reproduced at an astonishing rate.”
“No, no”, said the physicist. “Clearly this is a case of teleportation, and the third individual was beamed in from elsewhere.”
The mathematician sits quietly for a few minutes and remarks, “if one more person goes into the house it will be empty again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86w415/the_empty_house_across_the_street/
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What do you call a person with no body and no nose?

nobody nose ._.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86w1k3/what_do_you_call_a_person_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
%
For a Halloween party I dressed up as a piece of bread

couldn't keep the birds away from me ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86w1em/for_a_halloween_party_i_dressed_up_as_a_piece_of/
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Book Shop

I went to the book shop and asked the woman behind the counter for a book on turtles, she said "hardback?" I said "yeah and little heads"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86vv8t/book_shop/
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My dad is like a boomerang

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86vv7t/my_dad_is_like_a_boomerang/
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What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?

a dilldoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86vv0t/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_deer_and_a_pickle/
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r/Jokes is like a shopping centre

If you've seen one, you've seen the mall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86vu57/rjokes_is_like_a_shopping_centre/
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I was playing chess with my friend

and he said "Let's make this interesting" so we stopped playing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86vtjj/i_was_playing_chess_with_my_friend/
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How mathematician solves constipation?

With a pencil.
He works it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86vp25/how_mathematician_solves_constipation/
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2 cows

are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86vjtu/2_cows/
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Went to the horse races

This happened a couple months ago.
My S/O and I had planned to go to the horse races one day just for fun and to check it out.
The day came and I woke up right at 7:00 am, didn't set an alarm but wasn't to weird because I wake up around that time most days.
The weird part was that in my dreams that night 7's had appeared everywhere. On signs and billboards. Was just unusual.
We get up and get ready.
Call a cab to come pick us up.
Strangely the fare to get to the track was $7.77.
Now I have noticed this pattern and decide to play my chances. Maybe today was the day set for me to be lucky and this was some higher-power's way of letting me know. This is superstition, but luck falls into that same category right?
We move up to the ticket gates, purposely pick gate 7.
Get inside and I head straight for the betting counters and stand in line. I counted over from the left to the seventh one, just to stay aligned.
Looking up at the race boards and to my astonishment there is a horse named "Lucky Number Seven" competing in the seventh race.
Now at this point I've realized I'm going down a rabbit hole that may just be a huge coincidence, but I've come this far. Something or someone is trying to tell me something.
My turn to talk with the clerk. I put most of my money on Lucky Number Seven in the 7th race. I put $700 down. This wasn't all my money but I needed a 7 in there to keep the magic going.
We sit and wait with anticipation.
First race goes by.
Now the second.
A few more and we reach the divine race. The prophesy has led me to this moment.
The gun fires starting the 7th race.
Lucky number 7 running with the pack of competitors. My anxiety has hit a high point with all of my money riding on one horse chosen by a gamble of faith.
The race comes to a close finish and you are not going to believe what happened.
The horse came in 7th.
- credits to Norm Macdonald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86vfx0/went_to_the_horse_races/
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Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are having Christmas together...

On Christmas morning when Luke and his father are exchanging gifts. Vader says to Luke “I know what you got me.” Baffled, Luke asks, “how?”
Vader then says,
“I have felt your presents.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86vdng/darth_vader_and_luke_skywalker_are_having/
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Three friends went hunting in the woods.

After not seeing any deer for several hours, they decided to split up, hoping that at least one of them would be able to bag some venison. They agreed that if anyone shot a deer, he would shoot three times in the air so the others could come help with the carcass.
Some time passed, and one of the hunters finally got a kill. He shot three times in the air, and after a few minutes the second hunter arrived on the scene. They waited a bit, but since the third friend wasn’t showing up, they went on with the work of cleaning and skinning.
Finally, the two started to get worried, since they had finished the cleaning but their friend still hadn’t appeared. So they went looking. They eventually found him, pants around his ankles, seated over a log, and fast asleep. “Wait, I have an idea,” whispered one. Not able to pass up this golden opportunity for a prank, they hurried back to the deer carcass and gathered up the intestines and other innards. Quietly, they deposited the deer guts directly underneath their sleeping friend, then headed back to the truck to wait.
Sure enough, after another 20 minutes or so, their friend appeared, pale and wide eyed, looking like he had seen a ghost. “Guys, guys! You’ll never believe what happened!”
“What, tell us!”
“Well, nature called, so I sat on a log and started taking a dump. I guess I was a bit constipated, had a hard time squeezing it out, and I must have blacked out with the effort. But when I woke up… I had shit my guts out!”
“Dude, that’s awful! What’d you do?”
“Well, with the grace of God and the help of a curved stick, I got it all back in again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86v7j1/three_friends_went_hunting_in_the_woods/
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Bubba and Clyde are out hunting one day...

... when they finally lay eyes on the perfect buck. Bubba takes one shot and it goes down. They're struggling to get it back to their pickup, dragging it by its hind legs, when they come across another hunter.
The hunter says, "You know boys, if you drag it by its antlers, it'll be easier, since they won't be catching on everything."
After a little while, Bubba says to Clyde, "You know, that guy was right, this *is* a lot easier. The only problem now is we're gettin' further away from the truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86v1di/bubba_and_clyde_are_out_hunting_one_day/
%
I used to tell dad jokes...

But then he died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86uw5n/i_used_to_tell_dad_jokes/
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I hated facial hair

But then it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86uw46/i_hated_facial_hair/
%
The Legend of the Three Kingdoms on the Lake

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.
The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.
The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner.
The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a rope tied into a noose, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. It just goes to prove that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86uw3q/the_legend_of_the_three_kingdoms_on_the_lake/
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Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"
Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86uvlu/donald_trump_is_walking_out_of_the_white_house/
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What did Communists have before candles?

electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86uv0t/what_did_communists_have_before_candles/
%
What do you call a deer with no eye?

I have no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
I still have no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs while it's mating?
I still have no fucking eye deer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86utec/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eye/
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I built a fence around my house today but accidentally encroached on my neighbor's property.

I guess I'll have to repost tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86uqpt/i_built_a_fence_around_my_house_today_but/
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What's the difference between my cock and my couch?

My couch is soft and I don't let my dog sit on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86unph/whats_the_difference_between_my_cock_and_my_couch/
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What is the difference between complete and finished?

When a man marries the right woman, he is complete.
When a man marries the wrong woman, he is finished.
When a man marries a woman who loves to shop, he is completely finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86un9i/what_is_the_difference_between_complete_and/
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My parents always told me to never give up on my dreams...

...so I stay in bed all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ujs3/my_parents_always_told_me_to_never_give_up_on_my/
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Sunday School

Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty!'' shouted Mary. The teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary. The teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' Again Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86uiuw/sunday_school/
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If I drank a whole bottle of food coloring...

I would dye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86uhfx/if_i_drank_a_whole_bottle_of_food_coloring/
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5 out of 5 people enjoy Russian Roulette.

There was supposed to be a sixth, but he never got back to me about his experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86uh9f/5_out_of_5_people_enjoy_russian_roulette/
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"My bad" is an apology in all circumstances....

.....except at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ugde/my_bad_is_an_apology_in_all_circumstances/
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What’s a crackhead’s favorite song?

I Wanna Rock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86uep7/whats_a_crackheads_favorite_song/
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How many psychiatrist does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one.
But the light bulb needs to want to be changed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ub0h/how_many_psychiatrist_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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V



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86u8on/v/
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A man walks into a bank with a gun and demands money from the cashier. As he's backing out of the bank with a bag cash, he takes two men as hostages.

He forces the hostages to walk outside at gunpoint.
"Run that way!" he shouts. They run down the street with the gunman following.
"Turn there!" he says, pointing to a dark alley to one side.
All three run to the dead-end of the alley. The gunman pushes the hostages against a wall. He points the gun at the first man and asks him a question.
"Did you see me rob that bank?"
"Well, yeah." stammers the man.
BANG!
The gunman points the gun at the second hostage.
"Did YOU see me rob that bank??"
"NO!" the man shouts. "Uh, but...my wife did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86u3dn/a_man_walks_into_a_bank_with_a_gun_and_demands/
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Two aliens are flying near Earth

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86u1xu/two_aliens_are_flying_near_earth/
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I told a fencing joke on Reddit once.

Turned out to be a riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86u0sx/i_told_a_fencing_joke_on_reddit_once/
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Do you know why Canada has "the Beaver" as it's national symbol?

Because Canada is the best "damn" country in the world!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ttg3/do_you_know_why_canada_has_the_beaver_as_its/
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Why were the Dark Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because of all the Knights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86tro0/why_were_the_dark_ages_called_the_dark_ages/
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I heard Shrek opened a new church so I decided to attend.

First thing they told us to do was open our bibles to Psalm: body once told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86tprm/i_heard_shrek_opened_a_new_church_so_i_decided_to/
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An engaged couple dies and goes to heaven.

They ask St. Peter, "Are there weddings in heaven?"
Peter tells them he'll get back to them. Six months go by, and then a year. Finally, after two years, they get a call from St. Peter asking if they still want to get married. They say yes, and they are married. A marriage made in heaven!
It isn't long, though, before they realize they weren't meant for each other. So they ask St. Peter if there is such a thing as divorce in heaven.
St. Peter responds, "It took us two years to get a priest up here. How long do you think it will take us to get a lawyer?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86towv/an_engaged_couple_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it

can someone explain me like im two years old this joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86tfm3/three_blondes_walk_into_a_building_youd_think_one/
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A roadside stand has a sign that says "PEACHES $5".

A man thinks, "There must be something special about these peaches, I'll check it out." So the man pulls over and says to the one guy standing there. "Hi, I was wondering why these peaches are so expensive. Is there something special about them?"
"They taste like anything you want," says the worker.
"Do you have one that tastes like strawberries and cream?" the man asks.
The worker hands him a peach and the man takes a bite.
"Hey! This only tastes like cream," the man says.
"Flip it over," says the worker.
The man flips it over and has a mouthful of strawberry taste.
"Wow, that's amazing!" He says. "What else do you have?"
"We have any flavor," the worker tells him.
"Steak and Potatoes?" The man asks.
The worker hands him a peach and he takes a bite.
"What the hell? I only taste potatoes!" The man says.
So the worker tells him, "Flip it over!"
The man flips it over and takes a bite.
The man then says, "I know one flavor you definitely don't have."
"What's that?" Says the worker.
"Pussy" the man replies with a smug grin.
He hands the man a peach and the man takes a bite.
"This tastes like shit!" The man says.
"Flip it over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86td6y/a_roadside_stand_has_a_sign_that_says_peaches_5/
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Buzz Aldrin's best pick-up line.

"Hey, I was the second man on the moon. Neil before me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86td0c/buzz_aldrins_best_pickup_line/
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A math professor, John, is having problem with his sink.

So he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber: “How can you charge this much? This is half my paycheck.” But he pays it anyway.
The plumber tells him: “Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure to say you only made it to the sixth grade, they don’t like educated people.”
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn’t have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school, they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, “What is the formula for area of the circle?”
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn’t belong there, so he starts over, but again comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute, he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, “Switch the limits on the integral.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86tcyd/a_math_professor_john_is_having_problem_with_his/
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A friend of mine told me today that he doesn’t understand cloning...

“That makes two of us” I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86tark/a_friend_of_mine_told_me_today_that_he_doesnt/
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Who called it PMS-ing and not

Ovary-acting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86t6oa/who_called_it_pmsing_and_not/
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What do you call a head injury at a drummer's convention in Moscow, Russia?

A concussion at the Russian percussion discussion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86t6lh/what_do_you_call_a_head_injury_at_a_drummers/
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Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night...

That’s the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86t61c/me_and_the_wife_had_a_few_issues_in_the_bedroom/
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My girlfriend begged me to stop singing Wonderwall...

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86t5yi/my_girlfriend_begged_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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I saw my uncle on Tinder

Obviously I swiped left. He's not going to be in to me now that I'm all grown up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86t5q5/i_saw_my_uncle_on_tinder/
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Why did the scarecrow recieve a promotion?

He did an outstanding job in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86t3vz/why_did_the_scarecrow_recieve_a_promotion/
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My wife says I'm obsessed with terms of regulation

To prove her wrong I went on a yoga holiday in Prague.
It was a series of Czechs and balances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86t3uw/my_wife_says_im_obsessed_with_terms_of_regulation/
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Why is six scared of seven?

It is because of the head in the box scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86t0f8/why_is_six_scared_of_seven/
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My friend built a thatch residence out of prairie grass. He decided to use it as a storage facility for regnal furniture.

I told him that was not a good idea. When he asked why, I told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86sz70/my_friend_built_a_thatch_residence_out_of_prairie/
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I was out one morning with my Uncle Jim

When someone threw a tomato at him
"Tomatoes don't hurt!" Shouted Uncle Jim
The next one did, it came in a tin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86syvx/i_was_out_one_morning_with_my_uncle_jim/
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A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The old way?"
"Yes. We'll take turns kicking each other in the nuts and the first guy who can't take it anymore loses. The winner gets the deer."
The hunter thinks about this and he says, "Ok, let's do it."
The farmer says, "Ok, let me go first." He takes a big wind up and just nails the hunter right in the nuts with his big dirty farmer boots.
The hunter doubles over in pain, huffing and puffing for a few minutes. He finally gets up, still panting and says, "Ok Ok...I'm still in...my turn."
The farmer says, "Nah, you can keep the deer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86swyv/a_hunter_shoots_a_deer_and_is_pulling_it_back_to/
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Race for mobile phone.

Person 1 : Hey nice mobile phone. How much you bought it for?
Person 2: I won it in a race.
Person 1: Race? What kind of race? How many people were running?
Person 2: Well, the mobile shop owner, 3 cops and I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86svua/race_for_mobile_phone/
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What did the Janitor say when he came out of the closet?

Supplies!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86svf8/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_came_out_of_the/
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What was the guitar teacher arrested for?

Fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86sv7n/what_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested_for/
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How to avoid clickbait...

is something you need to learn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ssio/how_to_avoid_clickbait/
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Attention everyone, you must now grow up.

No one can be a Toys R' Us kid anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86sr7f/attention_everyone_you_must_now_grow_up/
%
Why does Donald Trump hate China?

Because it has a bigger wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86sq2l/why_does_donald_trump_hate_china/
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Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86sq13/why_are_women_and_children_always_the_first_ones/
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My grandson identifies as a waning moon.

I can’t see much of my sun in him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86spe0/my_grandson_identifies_as_a_waning_moon/
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Hitler goes to a psychic and asks...

“On what day will I die?”
The psychic says, “On a Jewish holiday.”
Skeptical, Hitler asks, “How can you be so sure?”
“Any day, on which you die,” explains the psychic, “will be a Jewish holiday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86spbx/hitler_goes_to_a_psychic_and_asks/
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What do little miss muffet and Erdogan have in common?

they both have Kurds in their way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86sonz/what_do_little_miss_muffet_and_erdogan_have_in/
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My wife gave me a bag of our children's old clothes

And asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes and for some reason I ended up detained...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86somi/my_wife_gave_me_a_bag_of_our_childrens_old_clothes/
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A Brazillian Classic

There was a family with three kids. One day, the eldest kid, Dropey, came up to his mom and asked:
“Mommy, why am I called Dropey?”
“It’s because when you were born, a drop of water fell onto your forehead!”
“Oh, okay!”
Then Flowey, the middle kid, got kinda curious, and decided to ask too:
“What about me mommy, why am I called Flowey?”
“It’s because when you were born, a little flower fell on top of your head!”
“Ah, I see!”
Then, the youngest kid, Bricky, seeing all this, thought he should ask too:
“HURUUUURR AHAHAUHEKAGDKAMNSSS?”
“A brick, Bricky. That’s what fell right onto your face.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86smql/a_brazillian_classic/
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What do you call Batman when he leaves church early?

Christian Bail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86slmm/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_leaves_church/
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What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water?

Sorry but it might take a while for me to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86sklv/what_did_the_easter_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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An German naval captain is reassigned to a new u-boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft.
Calling for his first officer, he said: "First Officer, I demand zat ze u-boat be scoured, and every one of zese posters be taken down! Make sure you find who did it and report back to me so zey can be punished!"
“Yes of course Captain. I’ll find out who did it, and punish them immediately!”
After a few days of questioning crewmen, the first officer was unable to find the perpetrator. Soon after, the posters of the captain reappeared.
The captain, becoming increasingly angry, ordered their removal for a second time.
After a second round of questioning and poster removal, all was silent for a few days. Then the posters began to reappear.
"First Officer!" the captain roared "You are evidently not doing your job, ze posters are back all over ze u-boat, even worse zan before!"
The first officer fired back at the captain. "It's not my fault sir! It's just that everything is always reposted several times on this sub!" ^^^"even ^^^^this ^^^^^fucking ^^^^^^joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86sclz/an_german_naval_captain_is_reassigned_to_a_new/
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Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,
“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”
The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking one look at her, he returned to the instructor, threw down his gun and quit, saying, “I can’t do this.”
The next man went into the room and saw his own wife. He hesitated a moment, then he, too, resigned.
The third man took the gun and went into the room. The instructor heard six rapid shots, followed by screams, thuds, crashes, then silence. Then the door opened and out came the third agent all bloody, and his shirt in shreds.
He said to the instructor, “You idiot, you gave me blanks! I had to strangle her!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86sc4h/three_students_at_the_cia_academy_were_about_to/
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I like coming in to work.

It’s the eight hour wait to go home that’s bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86sbj0/i_like_coming_in_to_work/
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What's Irish and sits in your garden?

Paddy O' Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86sah6/whats_irish_and_sits_in_your_garden/
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I was just an outcast until my wife arrived.

Now I'm a depressed outcast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86s8xy/i_was_just_an_outcast_until_my_wife_arrived/
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What do you call a man from Sydney in a suit in the middle of the desert?

A lostralian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86s7vn/what_do_you_call_a_man_from_sydney_in_a_suit_in/
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I just got a ladder in my tights.

I truly am a talented shoplifter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86s7r0/i_just_got_a_ladder_in_my_tights/
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My wife just told me that in 9 months, I’m in for a big surprise...

I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86s7p5/my_wife_just_told_me_that_in_9_months_im_in_for_a/
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Men Will Be Men.

One day a woman wanted to know how the husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. So she decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore and after writing she put the letter on the table in the bedroom and then hid under the bed...When the husband came back home, saw the letter and read it, he replied on the same paper and then began to sing and dance changing his clothes. He got his phone, dialled someone then said: "Hey babe, am just changing clothes then will join you, as for the other fool it has finally dawned on her that I was fooling around with her and has left. I was wrong..really wrong to have married her, I wish I had known you earlier. See you soon honey!" The husband walked out of the room and left. In tears and very upset, the woman got up from under the bed and decided to go and read what the husband wrote on the letter. When she got the letter, it said: "I COULD see your feet under the bed, I didn't make any phone call.. I am going to buy bread. Stand up, stop your silly games and prepare me a meal....
I LOVE YOU!
Good day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86s2md/men_will_be_men/
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A frog wanted to know about his future and goes to meet an oracle. The oracle prophesied that in his future, he will be touched by a beautiful lady.

The frog grew curious and wanted to know when and where it would happen, to which the Oracle replied, 'next year, in a Biology lab'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86s1af/a_frog_wanted_to_know_about_his_future_and_goes/
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What's the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86rzf1/whats_the_difference_between_a_computer_and_an/
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Please stop making 9/11 jokes... my father died on that day.

I still remember his last words: "Allahu Akbar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86rxiu/please_stop_making_911_jokes_my_father_died_on/
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Do you know why I don't eat at Applebees or Chilis?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86rqru/do_you_know_why_i_dont_eat_at_applebees_or_chilis/
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What's heavier, 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you've also got to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86rja0/whats_heavier_200_pounds_of_bricks_or_200_pounds/
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I made a rap song all about soap.

It’s fine, the lyrics are clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ri5z/i_made_a_rap_song_all_about_soap/
%
The only difference in me when I am on a diet is

I used to say I ate pizza, Now I say I accidentally ate pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86rea3/the_only_difference_in_me_when_i_am_on_a_diet_is/
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People ask me if my mom dropped me on my head as a baby. I always reply "no,

she'd have to pick me up to drop me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86rd8y/people_ask_me_if_my_mom_dropped_me_on_my_head_as/
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What grade did Tommy Wisaeu usually get in school?

A high mark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86rabi/what_grade_did_tommy_wisaeu_usually_get_in_school/
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How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Meat Pattie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ra1m/how_did_the_hamburger_introduce_his_girlfriend/
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I'd been a bit of a shut in computer nerd for a long while before I lost my virginity...

My parents forced me out on a date they arranged. To my surprise I manage to bring her home.
Still, I didn't know the first thing about women, completely clueless.
However, like a good nerd I was prepared. Right before the date I wrote a list of questions about sex on my laptop should this moment ever come. I'd simply hide the laptop ready to copy & paste the questions into Google. Genius.
Things heat up and quickly I hit a snag.
Like lighting I CTRL C the question, "How do I get her panties down?", open up google and- oh no; CTRL V isn't working, of all times.
Undeterred, I thought hard, I'm a nerd I can figure this out. Then it came to me.
SHIFT & INSERT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86r9us/id_been_a_bit_of_a_shut_in_computer_nerd_for_a/
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A Man and his Camel

There once was a very strange, lonely man living out in the woods alone. His family has been gone for many years, and has lived most of his life without anyone. He has had no physical contact with people in such a long time, other than going to town every could of months. But he wanted this to change.
He thought to himself one day, “hey, I should get a pet. That way I won’t be lonely anymore!”
He then goes into town the next day and goes to a local farm and breeding ranch. He goes up to the owner and asks for an animal
“Well, what would you like?”
“I’m not sure... what’s the weirdest animal you have?”
“Umm... we have a few camels out back, if you’d like to purchase one.”
“Sounds odd... I’ll take it!”
He gets the camel and all that he will need to take care of it. He also goes to department store and buys the materials for a stable for the camel. He then goes back home, builds the stable, closed the gate on it, and goes to sleep.
The next morning he wakes up and decides to go feed his new camel, only to find out that it’s dead and has its legs cut off! He looks in awe and disgust at the camel and buries it with grief. Hoping to cheer himself up, he decides to get another camel.
He goes back to the store, gets another camel and this time builds a better stable. This has more reinforced walls, a full door, and locks. So he builds the stable, puts the camel in, locks it, and goes to sleep. He can only hope that everything will be alright in the end.
The next morning he goes to feed the camel, and he finds the door broken down, the locks gone, and the camel dead with no legs again! He just about breaks down in tears while he buries his camel again. He wasn’t over yet though! He was determined! Very depressed, but determined!
So he goes back to the store and buys a THIRD camel, just barely hoping this one will survive the night. This time he goes back to the department store, gets better locks and security cameras so he can see what’s going on during the night, so he can file a police report.
So he gets home, and sets everything up, puts the camel in, and goes to sleep. All he can think about during the night is what he might do if this camel dies as well...
Morning came, and he checks the camel, and he sees the door broken down, the locks gone, the cameras stolen, with the tapes, and the camel dead with no legs. He is silent with depression and at this point he decides that if something like this keeps happening to him, that nothing ever good will happen, so he just walks in the woods in one direction, praying for death to take him away.
On this walk, he sees this vary large, hunted looking, over grown mansion with torches lite up on the outside. He knows the whole area very well, yet he’s never seen this before; a whole mansion practically in his backyard! He goes up to the door, knocks, and the door slowly opens with no one to greet him.
As he walks in, he notices how dark it is, and sees light down the corridor. He follows the light and sees two torches on the wall. And in between the torches he finds, what other than a large amount of camel legs, broken locks on a chain, and a set of cameras hanging by the wires. And an old man is sitting next to all this in a large leather chair.
He then asks the man, “Are those my camel legs, locks, and cameras?”
The old man replies with only, “Nope.”
The man looks at him and says “Okay, sorry to bother you, sir.” And leaves
(I found this on an anti-joke website yeeears ago, and I always tell this to friends and they get mad at me. One of my favourite “jokes” ever)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86r8ai/a_man_and_his_camel/
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A woman hears a noise

She thinks it's and intruder and decides to call the cops. The dispatch officer asks her if she saw anything. She replies she only heard it but that she is sure someone is in her house because she can hear footsteps. The dispatch said that they would send the next available officer but that they were a little occupied at the moment and the closest officer was about 45 minutes away but will be on their way soon. The officer tells the woman to hide and stay quiet and disconnects the call. The women in fear for her life cant believe what she just heard. There is someone in her house and now she is alone. So the woman picks up the phone again and dials the police once more. The same dispatch officer picks up.
WOMAN: "I am the woman that just called regarding the person inside my home."
DO: "Yes, man. Are you still safe?"
WOMAN: "Yes, I was calling to actually tell you do not worry about sending an officer anymore, just an ambulance please. I shot and killed the man intruding in my home."
DO: "Wait..."
The woman hangs the phone up.
5 minutes later she hears a knock at her door.
It's the police. They begin to ask where is the man that has been shot is at? The woman says no man has been shot. The officer says we were told there had been a man shot . The woman says yeah I was also told you were 45 minutes away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86r85h/a_woman_hears_a_noise/
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Remember son

"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything."
"Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86r2ns/remember_son/
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What do you call a slutty female pilot?

Cock Pit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86r1b3/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_female_pilot/
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Mom always said that I wouldn't always be able to pick and choose...

Years later, I found this to be true when I was living in Russia and election time rolled around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86r0yu/mom_always_said_that_i_wouldnt_always_be_able_to/
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One beautiful afternoon in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals. I appreciate all that you have given me, but I’m just not happy”, Adam answers.
“Why is that, Adam”, God asks.
“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I have no one special to share it with and I’m lonely”, Adam explained to God.
“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you”, God told him.
Perplexed, Adam asked, “What’s a woman, Lord?”
God replies, “This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.. She will cook and clean for you and do everything that you ask without ever complaining. She will provide every sexual need and fantasy you will ever think of and meet all of your sexual needs. She will bear your children and raise them without complaints. This woman will be the perfect companion for you.”
“Wow! That sounds great,” exclaimed Adam. “Where is she?”
“Not so fast,” said the Lord. “A woman this fantastic is going to cost you.”
“How much”, asked Adam.
“An arm and leg”, God replied.
Adam thought about this for a moment, then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86r0bx/one_beautiful_afternoon_in_the_garden_of_eden/
%
How can you tell if your stick of butter is doing flips?

somersault-ed, and some are not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86qznw/how_can_you_tell_if_your_stick_of_butter_is_doing/
%
My wife says I'm obsessed with alliteration.

She seriously says some stupid shit sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86qysv/my_wife_says_im_obsessed_with_alliteration/
%
Five years ago today, I asked a beautiful girl out on a date.

Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86qtys/five_years_ago_today_i_asked_a_beautiful_girl_out/
%
I’ve been trying to train my dog to play dead, so I started rewarding him with chocolates.

I think it worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86qqlb/ive_been_trying_to_train_my_dog_to_play_dead_so_i/
%
Talking to my buddy on the phone, he said he cries during sex.

I was like, dude you’re such a bitch.
Then I remembered he is in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86qluq/talking_to_my_buddy_on_the_phone_he_said_he_cries/
%
Whats the difference between light and hard?

You can get to sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86qfdm/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
A man buys a Caterpillar

A man walks into a pet store
He finds a caterpillar who talks
He buys the caterpillar from the pet store
the caterpillar and the man get along well
One day the man decides he is going to go to church in the morning, he asks the caterpillar if he would like to go to Church with him and the Caterpillar responds
^^^"Sure!"
So the next day the man puts his suit on and walks up to the caterpillars cage and asks the caterpillar "Caterpillar, are you ready"
Caterpillar responds ^^^"Not ^^^yet"
The man drinks some coffee
He asks again,
once again the caterpillar says ^^^"No!, ^^^I'm ^^^not ^^^ready ^^^yet"
He waits a little while
They're now running late
He says
"Caterpillar, What's taking so long!"
And the Caterpillar responds
^^^"I'm ^^^puttin' ^^^on ^^^my ^^^shoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86qenj/a_man_buys_a_caterpillar/
%
A young woman, her mother, and two men travel on a train. The train enters a tunnel. The sound of a kiss is heard, followed quickly by a slap.

The mother thinks: One of the men kissed my daughter, but she defended her honor.
The daughter thinks: One of the men tried to kiss me, but kissed my mother in the darkness instead, and she slapped him on the face!
The boss thinks: This idiot kissed the young lady and she tried to slap him, but she missed in the dark and hit me instead!
The other man thinks: Gotcha! I made a kissing sound in the air and slapped my boss in the face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86qck8/a_young_woman_her_mother_and_two_men_travel_on_a/
%
Two women are talking about plastic surgery

The first woman says "I'm thinking about getting my asshole bleached".
Her friend says "Funny, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86qchg/two_women_are_talking_about_plastic_surgery/
%
Is it ok to make a joke about child molestation?

Probably not, it’s just too touchy of a subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86qbml/is_it_ok_to_make_a_joke_about_child_molestation/
%
Build one table and you’re not considered a carpenter...

...but fuck one horse and you’re called a horse fucker for life :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86qbmd/build_one_table_and_youre_not_considered_a/
%
When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.
One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,
"C, eh."
The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,
"N, eh."
This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,
"D, eh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86qbdd/when_canada_was_first_founded_its_leaders_were/
%
Putin recently won the Russian election with a 76.6% majority...

Oddly enough 23.4% of Russian citizens were found poisoned a few days afterwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86q8v2/putin_recently_won_the_russian_election_with_a/
%
My girlfriend’s parents are very religious

The first time I came to her house, her father insisted that we could not sleep together. It was a shame, he was very attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86q8m6/my_girlfriends_parents_are_very_religious/
%
A priest and a nun are driving down the road when the devil jumps on their windshield

"Turn the wipers on!" says the nun. He does and the devil stays clinging to the car.
"Slam the breaks!" says the nun. He does and the devil still holds on.
"Show him you're cross!" says the nun. "Get the FUCK off my car!" says the priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86q294/a_priest_and_a_nun_are_driving_down_the_road_when/
%
I hate Russian dolls

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86q0f6/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
A man gets called by the IRS because he’s suddenly started making a lot of money

A man gets called out by the IRS because he suddenly started making a lot of money. When he entered the IRS agent’s office with his lawyer, the agent says “how have even making all this money?“ The man says “well, I’ll be honest, I’ve been making a lot of bets recently.” The IRS agent says “what do you mean?” The man goes”Well I’ll show you. I bet $5000 I can bite my eye.” The agent, feeling confident, says “alright I’ll bet you.”The man pulls out his glass eye and bites it. The man then says “I’ll make another bet with you to make your money back, I bet another $5000 I can bite my other eye.” They IRS began to think, *he can’t be blind,he walked in like a normal person.* So the agent made the bet, and the man took out his dentures a bit his other eye. The man says “I’ll tell you what, I’ll bet I can pee from one corner of your room into that trashcan in the other corner of your room for $10,000 and you can make all your money back.” The agent says “alright I’ll bet you” and the man jumps on the agent’s desk and pees all over the desk. The lawyer, who was very calm, was now looked very nervous. The agent goes “HA, I beat you, now pay up the $10,000.” He looks over to the lawyer and says “why do you look so nervous?”. The lawyer says “I bet him $100,000 he wouldn’t pee on your desk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86pwg8/a_man_gets_called_by_the_irs_because_hes_suddenly/
%
God was creating the countries when it became Brazil’s turn

God: This land will be a land filled with natural resources, the women will be beautiful, there will be no hurricanes or tornados, they will also have a lot of forests.
The angels were thinking this was a little too much and asked God, “Isn’t this a little too good?”
God calmly answered: “Wait  for their politicians”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86pvhc/god_was_creating_the_countries_when_it_became/
%
God was creating all the countries and it was the United Kingdom’s turn.

He turned to his angels and said, “ They shall live on a miserable damp island, they’ll barely get along with each other and be constantly on each other’s throats if not dealing with other countries, have bland food, the worst dental hygiene and have this insufferable fantasy about their country being the best.”
The angels asked God “Don’t you think you’re screwing them over?”
And God said, “Not as bad as they’re going to screw over the rest of the world.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86pqt3/god_was_creating_all_the_countries_and_it_was_the/
%
A German was pulled over by police in France.

The French police officer takes the German man's license, and then asks for the German's name.
"Heinrich Klimt" the German responds.
"Age?" Asks the officer. "31" the German responds.
"Occupation?" The police officer asks.
"No, no" the German replies, "Just visiting".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86pq23/a_german_was_pulled_over_by_police_in_france/
%
I made a bold move today.

**Move**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86poqi/i_made_a_bold_move_today/
%
I kink my neck so often...

I'm starting to think I'm secretly into BDSM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86pn2y/i_kink_my_neck_so_often/
%
My son identifies as a crescent moon.

I’m worried, but my wife says it’s just a phase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86plgt/my_son_identifies_as_a_crescent_moon/
%
A mother comes down to the kitchen and finds her daughter up early, eating a bowl of cereal...

The daughter asks- “Mommy, I heard some strange sounds coming from your bedroom a little while ago. What were you and Daddy doing in there?”
The mother is instantly embarrassed.
“Um... your daddy and I were making a cake, sweetheart.”
The next morning the mom comes down and the little girl asks- “Mommy, were you and Daddy in there making another cake just now?”
The mother says- “Why yes, honey. Were we making too much noise again?”
The little girl says- “Not this time. I just noticed you have a little frosting on your chin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86pjpp/a_mother_comes_down_to_the_kitchen_and_finds_her/
%
Brit: Why is it ‘cancelled’ in the UK but ‘canceled’ in America?

Murican: Coz we gave you that L in 1776

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86pie7/brit_why_is_it_cancelled_in_the_uk_but_canceled/
%
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86peaz/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
%
How do they organize a party on Mars?

They planet.
My five year old told me this today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86pe30/how_do_they_organize_a_party_on_mars/
%
Mother kidding me

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86pabb/mother_kidding_me/
%
What do sushi makers have in common with Spanish pirates?

They both seek fortuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86p9r2/what_do_sushi_makers_have_in_common_with_spanish/
%
So Helen Keller walks into a bar...

...then into the table, then the chair, and then the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86p8y3/so_helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Easter is on April 1st this year.

Where we remember the original April fools joke performed by Jesus himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86p83m/easter_is_on_april_1st_this_year/
%
A limbo champion walked into a bar

He was disqualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86p73l/a_limbo_champion_walked_into_a_bar/
%
A man falls from the top of the Empire State building.

When he hits the ground, a woman walking by screams "oh my God what happened"!!
The man looks up and says "I don't know, I just got here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86p70p/a_man_falls_from_the_top_of_the_empire_state/
%
What is the difference between Clinton and Putin?

Putin can win a rigged election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86p4yv/what_is_the_difference_between_clinton_and_putin/
%
My blood type is very motivating!

Its always telling me to B positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86p3i6/my_blood_type_is_very_motivating/
%
Why doesn't Frankenstein's monster masturbate?

Because he doesn't want to touch another guy's dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86p0lc/why_doesnt_frankensteins_monster_masturbate/
%
Girls night out.

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband.  "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86oz4y/girls_night_out/
%
Ancient Romans believed the 54th birthday was the time to indulge in all your crazy impulses.

You only LIV once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86oy22/ancient_romans_believed_the_54th_birthday_was_the/
%
A man goes to the doctor with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

He says to the doctor "Doctor, can you remove this steering wheel? It's driving me nuts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86owta/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_with_a_steering_wheel/
%
It was Johnny's first day at school

After school he came home and his Mom said "Hey Johnny how was school?"
Johnny replied "It was great Mom. I had biology and I had sex with the biology teacher!"
Johnny's mother was shocked. "What did you say?"
Johnny again replied "I went to school, I had biology, I had sex with the biology teacher!"
Johnny's Mom was not amused. "Go to your room. Wait until your father comes home!"
So later that evening Johnny's Dad comes home and the mother tells him he should speak to Johnny.
Johnny's Dad goes upstairs and into Johnny's room. "Hey Johnny, what's all this about school? Why's your Mom so upset?"
Johnny says "I don't know Dad. She asked about my first day at school, I told her I had biology and then I had sex with the biology teacher."
Johnny's Dad was stunned. "What did you just say?"
"I went to school, I had biology and then I had sex with the biology teacher".
Johnny's Dad composed himself, then smiled and patted Johnny on the back. "That's my boy, chip off the old block. I tell you what, you know that new racing bike you've been wanting? Let's go to the store and I'll buy it for you now!"
Johnny looks at his Dad and says "Can we go tomorrow Dad? My arse is still a bit sore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ou45/it_was_johnnys_first_day_at_school/
%
What's the difference between Trump and Bill Clinton?

Trump paid her $130k, Bill didn't even pay for dry-cleaning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ou48/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_bill/
%
Guys, I’ve got the heart of a lion!

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86or4f/guys_ive_got_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully and in my sleep.

Not like the screaming passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86opzg/i_want_to_die_like_my_grandfather_peacefully_and/
%
What is a poor man's least favorite genre of music?

Baroque..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86opm2/what_is_a_poor_mans_least_favorite_genre_of_music/
%
My physics teacher said I had potential.

This was right before he pushed me off the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86opad/my_physics_teacher_said_i_had_potential/
%
Which President was the least guilty?

Lincoln, he was in-a-cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86onng/which_president_was_the_least_guilty/
%
I’ve been thinking about opening an archery center somewhere in Mexico...

I figured I’d call it ‘Elbow’
...please pray for my girlfriend. My brain comes up with this shit all the time and normally she is my audience. I figured I’d try re-routing things here to save her sanity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86omsv/ive_been_thinking_about_opening_an_archery_center/
%
Two friends get a parrot

, but aren't sure what to name it.
The one friend, Bill says "We should name it Bill Jr."
"We should name it Bill Jr" the Parrot squeaked
Bill rolled his eyes "Stupid parrot"
"Stupid parrot" the Parrot squeaked
Clive liked the name "Kiwi" and suggested it to Bill.
"How about the name Kiwi?" the Parrot squeaked.
"This thing just won't shut up!" they both said in unison
"This thing just won't shut up!" the Parrot squeaked.
"It's constantly copying us!" Bill said.
"It's constantly copying us!" the parrot squeaked.
"IT'S DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN!" Clive screamed.
"IT'S DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN" the Parrot squeaked.
"Lets just name it /r/jokes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86om80/two_friends_get_a_parrot/
%
The alphabet scares me

“A bee sea?”
No thank you, I’ll just stop you right there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ojyg/the_alphabet_scares_me/
%
I think I saw my friend with an extra electron...

...so I'm going to keep an ion him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ojuk/i_think_i_saw_my_friend_with_an_extra_electron/
%
I once asked a Scottish man...

“What’s under a kilt?”
He didn’t miss a beat. “On a good day,”
He said, “lipstick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86oimr/i_once_asked_a_scottish_man/
%
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis match?

Annette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86oh1p/what_do_you_call_a_woman_standing_in_the_middle/
%
What do you call a drunk anime fan in the desert?

A tumbleweeb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ofe0/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_anime_fan_in_the_desert/
%
I used to laugh at jokes about kids with Progeria

But they got old fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86oe3l/i_used_to_laugh_at_jokes_about_kids_with_progeria/
%
Bush, Clinton, Trump, and Obama decided to have a race.

Trump went first. His time was 9 minutes and 50 seconds. Obama did a bit better. He finished the race in 9 minutes and 45 seconds. Clinton came in 9 minutes and 24 seconds. And Bush did 9:11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86oe04/bush_clinton_trump_and_obama_decided_to_have_a/
%
Why do bugs have odd beliefs?

They're in sects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ocby/why_do_bugs_have_odd_beliefs/
%
A Catholic kid goes into confession...

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“Yes, son, what did you do?”
“I cannot say.”
“You must confess, or I cannot give you absolution.”
“Well, Father, I had relations with a young girl.”
“I will forgive you. But who was the young girl?”
“Sorry, Father, I cannot betray a confidence.”
“It would help a lot to give forgiveness if I knew who the young girl was. Was it Angela Latrice?”
“I cannot say, Father.”
“Was it Betty Santangelo?”
“I cannot say.”
“OK, you’re absolved. But for four months you cannot be an altar boy.”
The kid comes out of the confessional box and his friend asks, “What happened?”
The kid says, “I got two great leads and I don’t have to work for four months.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86objf/a_catholic_kid_goes_into_confession/
%
I can now masturbate with either hand just as well as the other.

I'm ambidickstrous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86o9b3/i_can_now_masturbate_with_either_hand_just_as/
%
Two scientists walk into a bar.

One said, "I'll have H2O."
The second one said, "I'll have H2O too."
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish between grammar tones 'cause he's not fucking retarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86o8t9/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
At the bar trying to take a shit

Was having a tough pushing it out. Eventually someone knocked on the stall door. It scared the shit out of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86o7ef/at_the_bar_trying_to_take_a_shit/
%
I went to subway with my wife and asked the girl to make me a sandwich.

She said "no problem"
I turned to my wife and said "now, how hard was that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86o70f/i_went_to_subway_with_my_wife_and_asked_the_girl/
%
What's a neckbeard's favourite ABBA song?

M'ma mia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86o6s7/whats_a_neckbeards_favourite_abba_song/
%
Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom?

Because the pee is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86o5rh/why_cant_you_hear_a_psychiatrist_go_to_the/
%
My friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86o5cn/my_friend_got_mad_at_me_because_he_caught_me/
%
Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86o4zc/slutty_girls_are_like_walmarts/
%
Why doesn’t Hellen Keller go skydiving?

It scares the crap out of her dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86o2le/why_doesnt_hellen_keller_go_skydiving/
%
A mermaid finally got off the couch and hit the gym once she found a dolphin physical trainer.

She moved with a porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86o17d/a_mermaid_finally_got_off_the_couch_and_hit_the/
%
how do you catch a rabbit?

Hide behind a bush and make a noise like a carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86o16q/how_do_you_catch_a_rabbit/
%
Mother in law...

Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn’t it your mother-in-law’s funeral today?”
“Well you know how it is.Work first, then fun.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86nyov/mother_in_law/
%
What do you call a superhero who's made out of instant noodles?

Ra-man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ny12/what_do_you_call_a_superhero_whos_made_out_of/
%
Husband and Wife set up a new password

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error.
Not long enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86nsvq/husband_and_wife_set_up_a_new_password/
%
Church is like sex

I fall asleep right after I come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86nsjb/church_is_like_sex/
%
What do you call a girl that broke up with you via Instagram?

A DMX

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86nrv9/what_do_you_call_a_girl_that_broke_up_with_you/
%
A husband says to his wife...

A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thinks about it for a few moments and replies, "Your dick is bigger than your brothers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86nq21/a_husband_says_to_his_wife/
%
Growing up, people used to say I was autistic. I sure proved them wrong.

I can't draw worth a crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86npus/growing_up_people_used_to_say_i_was_autistic_i/
%
Two fish are swimming and suddenly reach a cement wall

"Dam"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86noj0/two_fish_are_swimming_and_suddenly_reach_a_cement/
%
Why do farts stink?

So deaf people can enjoy them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86nny9/why_do_farts_stink/
%
THE SIN OF LYING

A minister told his congregation, “Next week, I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The
minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters, I
will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
Ha Ha Ha Haa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86nncu/the_sin_of_lying/
%
Is Google...

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86nn50/is_google/
%
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

It was pretty bad at first, but by the end, I liked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86nga4/i_just_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome/
%
Elton John is great on piano

But sucks on the organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ng15/elton_john_is_great_on_piano/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot...

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86nb2h/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
Th little green man.

Once upon a time there was a little green man who lived in a little green house on a little green hill next to a highway. One day, a woman walked up the little green hill and along the little green path to his little green door, grasped his door knocker and knocked. But the little green man was in the shower, so he grabbed his little green towel, held it round his little green waist and went to answer the door. When he answered it, the woman told him he had won the lottery and he was so surprised that he dropped his little green towel. The woman was so shocked that she ran down the little green hill and straight into the highway, where she unfortunately was hit by a car and died. The moral of the story is, never cross the road when the little green man is flashing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86n5h8/th_little_green_man/
%
Scientist have recently learned how to grow human vocal cords in a Petri dish

The results speak for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86n3rl/scientist_have_recently_learned_how_to_grow_human/
%
The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.
Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.
A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!
But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.
Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the  one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.
He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.
As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.
Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.
"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"
Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.
"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we aren't gonna send you home over posting ideas on the interwebs, eh!"
Everyone's breath catches int heir throats at the unspoken "but"
"But," continues the guard, after a painful pause, "Stealing a vehichle is a crime, and I'm afraid I'm gonna have to trun whomever was driving this thing over to this agent here"
The redditors are stunned and shocked, but true to his heroic nature, and unable to let another suffer on his account, the man who led the escape prepares to confess ...
But then the rest of the redditors jump to their feet one at a time, and do what redditors do best:
"I am the bus driver"
"I am the bus driver"
"I am the bus driver"
"I am the bus driver"
"I am the bus driver"
"I am the bus driver"
"I am the bus driver"
"I am the bus driver"
"I am the bus driver"
A tear forms in the corner of the real-bus-driver's eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86n2qb/the_man_who_saved_reddit/
%
TIL England doesn't have any kidney banks

But it does have a Liverpool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86n2fe/til_england_doesnt_have_any_kidney_banks/
%
Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86n121/putin_won_the_election_with_766_of_the_vote/
%
$1 Million in Heaven

Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?"
God replied, "$1 million."
Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?"
God said, "One million years."
Joe asked for a penny.
God said, "Sure, in a minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86mzuh/1_million_in_heaven/
%
What did Communists use for light before the candle?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86mwy5/what_did_communists_use_for_light_before_the/
%
Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for the night;

set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ms54/build_a_man_a_fire_hell_be_warm_for_the_night/
%
More and more married women are being diagnosed with aged vacuum disease

They start making strange noises all the time and don't suck any more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86mno6/more_and_more_married_women_are_being_diagnosed/
%
A young boy wakes up in the middle of the night...

And wanders past his parents’ bedroom. The door is ajar and he hears strange noises within. He opens the door and sees the parents having sex. “Dad, what are you doing?” he cries. The dad, not knowing how to react starts laughing nervously and says “oh just playing a funny game son... hide the sausage.” He chuckles again and since the son leaves, all seems well.
The next night, the dad wakes up and wanders past his son’s bedroom. The door is ajar and he hears strange noises within. He opens the door and sees the son having sex with his grandma. Horrified, the dad cries out “son, what are you doing?!”
“Ha,” says the son “Not so funny when it’s your mom, is it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86mk58/a_young_boy_wakes_up_in_the_middle_of_the_night/
%
What’s so good about Switzerland?

I don’t know but the flag is a huge plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86mi9r/whats_so_good_about_switzerland/
%
A Zebra dies and goes to heaven.

He's greeted by Saint Pete at the Pearly Gates
"Hello Zebra, welcome to heaven!" Says Peter.
"Oh wow", exclaims the Zebra.
"Yes, it's quite magnificent" , replies Peter, "as is the custom here, if you had any unanswered  questions about your life, now is the time to ask them."
"Well" says the Zebra, "I've always wondered, am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"
Saint Peter considers this for a moment and says "I'm honestly not sure, you'll have to ask the big man himself, go in and see him."
So the Zebra goes to see God
"Hello my son zebra, welcome to heaven, I hope you're enjoying your afterlife."
"Yes of course my lord, it is truly magnificent, but Saint Peter was unable to answer my question and said I should come see you" the zebra replies, timidly.
"well of course I can, I know all! Ask away my son"
So the Zebra asks God if he's white with black stripes or black with white stripes.
God chortles and says "Oh Zebra, your are what you are."
The Zebra didn't really understand the answer but, not wanting to question the word of God, thanked him profusely and left.
A few days later he's meandering around heaven when he runs into Saint Peter again.
"Hello Zebra," says Saint Peter, "was God able to answer your question?"
"Yes," the Zebra replied, "but I'm not sure what his answer meant, he just said 'you are what you are'"
Saint Peter laughs "ohhh Zebra, that clearly means you're a white zebra with black stripes."
"How so?" asks the Zebra
Saint Peter tells him, "Well he didn't say you is what you is!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86mfe3/a_zebra_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
A place where they assemble okay products is called

...a Satis Factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86md5h/a_place_where_they_assemble_okay_products_is/
%
Last night I asked my wife to wake me up with a blow job

Today I'm working in a cocaine factory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86mb7i/last_night_i_asked_my_wife_to_wake_me_up_with_a/
%
The population is running low so the government decides to pay its citizens $50,000 for every child they have at that time

A man hears the news and says to his wife, "I have a kid with my girlfriend. I'm going to bring him so we can add him to our 4 kids." He goes for the kid and when he comes back, he  only finds one of his kids remaining.
Stunned, he asks: "Where are the other 3?"
"You are not the only one who heard the news." His wife replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86m9e2/the_population_is_running_low_so_the_government/
%
God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86m0h0/god_was_creating_all_the_countries_and_it_was/
%
That moment when you're done pooping

And you think proudly to yourself "Anal would not be a problem".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86lzd7/that_moment_when_youre_done_pooping/
%
Why does King Midas have terrible hygiene?

He starts each day with a golden shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86lz6x/why_does_king_midas_have_terrible_hygiene/
%
The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We've specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86lusj/the_beauty_industry/
%
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing

But mean your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86lrnl/a_freudian_slip_is_when_you_say_one_thing/
%
A Roman walks into a bar,

holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86lo24/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
(NSFW) So last night...

Last night I was eating some pussy, when I tasted horse semen.
I said, "Grandma... so that's how you died!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ln8t/nsfw_so_last_night/
%
What type of onion would Eminem be?

A Rap-Scallion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86lkto/what_type_of_onion_would_eminem_be/
%
Russian Dolls

I hate Russian Dolls, They are so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86lk4r/russian_dolls/
%
A Mars rover barged into my house. I knew it was Spirit

because Opportunity knocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ldbq/a_mars_rover_barged_into_my_house_i_knew_it_was/
%
Mormons believe...

Mormons believe in wife after death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86lcue/mormons_believe/
%
Don't Despair

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86la6g/dont_despair/
%
*tips fedora at the First Lady*

M'lania

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86l9i8/tips_fedora_at_the_first_lady/
%
I don’t like the term anal bleaching...

I prefer changing your ring tone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86l5m3/i_dont_like_the_term_anal_bleaching/
%
God said to Jacob "Come forth and recieve eternal life"

But he came fifth and won a tomato knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86l4vu/god_said_to_jacob_come_forth_and_recieve_eternal/
%
I call my weed the Quran

Because burning it will get you stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86l3wh/i_call_my_weed_the_quran/
%
People say the mean sea level is going down.

I agree, the sea is much calmer these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86l297/people_say_the_mean_sea_level_is_going_down/
%
A man is walking on the street when another falls right next him; on his feet, unharmed.

"Wow! How did you do that?"
"Well, actually anyone can do it," says the fallen man. "I'm a Geophysicist, I study areas of low gravity.
There is one in this precise spot. Anyone can jump from that rooftop and land slowly and unscathed.
I see you don't believe me. Let me demonstrate one more time."
&nbsp;
The guy goes into the building, after a couple minutes he waves from the rooftop, a dozen floors up.
He then jumps, falls slowly, and lands on his tiptoes.
&nbsp;
"WOW! That's amazing! I have to try that!"
The other man goes into the building, goes up, waves, jumps; and splats into the sidewalk into a pool of blood and entrails.
&nbsp;
At that moment, Batman stops his car next to the accident and gets out, approaching the standing man.
"You know, sometimes you're a real bastard, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86l0ci/a_man_is_walking_on_the_street_when_another_falls/
%
When is Man the smartest? Before sex, during sex, or after sex?

During, because that's when he's plugged in to "Mrs. KnowItAll".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86l066/when_is_man_the_smartest_before_sex_during_sex_or/
%
Amputation is Expensive

It costs an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86kyi8/amputation_is_expensive/
%
I got tired of the beeps the computer at work made

So I unplugged it and when I did, the beep just went to one long beep and all the doctors and nurses are yelling, “What the fuck are you doing!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86kscv/i_got_tired_of_the_beeps_the_computer_at_work_made/
%
Saw a woman in Walmart who had March Madness teeth this morning

She was down to her final 4!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ksam/saw_a_woman_in_walmart_who_had_march_madness/
%
Dark humor is like kids with cancer.

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86krsp/dark_humor_is_like_kids_with_cancer/
%
A young man walks into a lamp post

"Ouch!" the lamp post shrieked. "that was hella painful"
Appalled by what he heard, the young man went all crazy and started running down the streets, where he saw road crossing chickens, stupid blondes, fatherless black kids and an insane number of lawyers, engineers, priests, scientists, doctors and door-knockers walking about.
That's when he realized all his life he has been living in the world of Jokes, and there he is, yet another insignificant character in this very world.
Exasperated, he knelt down and started crying to himself.
"Must be hard realizing all this suddenly ya?" a voice beckons from above his head.
The man looks up and sees a bearded man, about the age of 50, donning a pot belly and looking down at him.
"when I realized all these.." he continued, "I was about your age, I first noticed the repetitive nature of things happening around, how people seem to hang out in pairs or in trios, and how certain inanimate objects can actually talk... it was hard to accept it and I felt like a puppet, yet another entity being manipulated for the laughs of others..."
Hearing that, the young man felt consoled that he is not alone. But before he could speak, the chatty old man continued his sharing.
"Then one day I decided to risk it all, I quit my assigned job and found a new one, and though I have not been earning much, I have made quite a name for myself around here"
Feeling inspired and curious, the young man quickly asked about his new life.
"So what do you work as now sir?"
To which the old man replied,
"I'm the bus driver"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86krgq/a_young_man_walks_into_a_lamp_post/
%
Having big tits because you’re fat, ...

Is like having a fast car because it’s falling off a cliff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86kqsl/having_big_tits_because_youre_fat/
%
Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86kon2/yesterday_i_found_a_20_dollar_bill_on_the_street/
%
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86knzh/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients?

A vegetarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86kgre/what_do_you_call_a_cannibal_who_only_eats_coma/
%
Our parents had to walk uphill both ways in 2 feet of snow to get to school...

But they didn't have to dodge bullets when they get there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86kfl9/our_parents_had_to_walk_uphill_both_ways_in_2/
%
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store

to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear aisle, the man spotted a display of socks on the wall and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86kf1a/a_mexican_man_who_spoke_no_english_went_into_a/
%
"Look, I deserve a raise", the high school football coach complained to the principal.

"What for?" came the reply. "You're paid a hell of a lot more than any other member of my teaching staff as it is. How can I justify recommending you for a raise?"
"I'll show you what I have to put up with," the coach said, opening the office door and calling out to the team captain.
"Hey, bruiser," the coach said to the player, "run over to my office and see if I'm there."
"Sure thing!" came the reply.
Twenty minutes later, the player returned. "No, sir," he panted, "you're not there".
Thanking the player and sending him back to practice, the coach turned to the principal and asked "Now do you understand what I have to put up with?"
"Yes, I certainly do," the principal agreed. "The dumb bastard could have phoned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86kdhi/look_i_deserve_a_raise_the_high_school_football/
%
Communism jokes aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86kb6a/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
%
*tips fedora at mosquito*

M'laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ka2h/tips_fedora_at_mosquito/
%
Three old guys are sitting around talking.

One subject leads to another, when the subject of pain comes up.
First guy says "you ever zipped your foreskin into your jeans? That's pain.."
Second guy, "that's not pain, you ever had the trots and went to jump on the toilet in a hurry and trapped one of your nuts between your leg and the toilet seat??"
Third guy says "That's nothing, you ever been out in the woods hunting, went to go squat behind a tree to do some business, and accidentally dropped your nuts on to a bear trap?"
First two fellas cringe, interrupt, and start agreeing that's probably the most painful thing they've heard.
Third guy, "that's not pain... Pain is when you run out of chain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86k93j/three_old_guys_are_sitting_around_talking/
%
Condoms are better then flu shots

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and  he could no longer resist
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86k8xp/condoms_are_better_then_flu_shots/
%
Did you know that dogs chase their tails clockwise in the southern hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere?

It’s called the Corgi-olis Effect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86k7yb/did_you_know_that_dogs_chase_their_tails/
%
At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”
I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.”
Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, “She’s probably right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86k75d/at_my_granddaughters_wedding_the_dj_polled_the/
%
Would it be sexist if...

I named my son Hunter and my daughter Gatherer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86k70l/would_it_be_sexist_if/
%
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86jxz4/doctor_im_sorry_but_you_suffer_from_a_terminal/
%
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86jsh0/an_old_man_placed_an_order_for_one_hamburger/
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While going to sleep, my roommate always says that there is a hideous monster under his bed.

We have a bunk bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86jq0i/while_going_to_sleep_my_roommate_always_says_that/
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Life is...

... A sexually transmitted disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86joh7/life_is/
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Lucky night

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.
As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.
He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"
The sex worker turns and says," sorry honey, but I am out of action. Bad case of warts."
Not to be put off, the guy thinks and says "I'll pay double for anal."
The woman turns and says "no can do. Collapsed colon and it only exports, no deliveries."
He thinks again, and lightens up as he jumps to his next question.
"What about a blowie?" He asked.
"Nope. Mouth ulcers," she replies.
Stumped he rolls his last chance.
"How about a handjob?"
"Sorry hon. I have terrible dermatitis and my hands are all split."
Gutted, the young guy turns and is about to walk off when the hooker says," actually, there is one thing we can do, but it's a bit out there."
The guys spins around and quickly says," anything, I'll do anything just to be with you."
"Okay," she says and leads him down a dark alley.
She bends down in front of him and asks him," are you ready?"
"Shit yeah," the guy replies, barely able to contain himself.
And with that she moves her hand to her face AND POPS OUT A FALSE EYE!
"What the fuck!?!???" The guy stammers.
"It's okay," the hooker says.
"Trust me, just pop your knob in."
Pants around his ankles, the guy looks around, sees no one and thinks "fuck it. I'll give it a try."
He slides it in and it is the most magnificent feeling he has ever felt.
He stands their for what feels like eternity before it all becomes to much and he pops his load.
Panting and covered in a sheen of sweat, the guy looks down at the hooker and says," that was amazing. Can we do that again soon?"
She replies," Sure....
"I'll keep an eye out for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86jmmg/lucky_night/
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Why the crab cross the road?

It didn't, it used the sidewalk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86jj2m/why_the_crab_cross_the_road/
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A woman once gave birth to 100 children

To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.
90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her own mother, she gave her offspring actual names. But their names don't matter.
One day, the daughter and the son came across a small puppy they found left alone in an alley near their house. They brought it back into their home and fed it, took care of it, and nursed it back to health. But they knew that their mother, 90, wouldn't dare let them keep a dog in their home, so they decided to hide it. In order to continue successfully keeping their dog a secret, they named the dog "This." During conversations about the dog which took place in front of their mother, the daughter and the son would refer to their puppy as "This," so as to avoid any suspicion at all. It worked for a while, but unfortunately a few years later, their secret dog, name of This, died.
And so it goes...
*...only 90's kids will remember This.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ji1n/a_woman_once_gave_birth_to_100_children/
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Dark Jokes are like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86jh1s/dark_jokes_are_like_food/
%
What do baby parabolas drink?

Quadratic Formula

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86jg97/what_do_baby_parabolas_drink/
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I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...

It seems saner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86jfus/i_want_to_move_to_whichever_alternative_universe/
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Mixed emotions: watching a bus full of lawyers plunge off a cliff...

... with five empty seats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86jfkz/mixed_emotions_watching_a_bus_full_of_lawyers/
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Getting pulled over

Female Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No, what’s wrong?
Female Cop: Nothing.
Me: Are you sure?
Female Cop: I SAID nothing's wrong. I'm fine.
Me: So...
Female Cop: *(rolls eyes)* Just go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86jcav/getting_pulled_over/
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A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:
“You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions”
Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.
“Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.”
He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:
“ Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86jbao/a_man_decided_to_visit_a_fortune_teller/
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Xi Jinping and Trump talking in a hotel room...

They started to boast about their bodyguards. "My bodyguards are the best," said Trump, "they will follow any order I give. Loyal!"
"*Any* order?" Asked Xi.
"Any order." said Trump.
"I don't believe it," said the doubtful Xi. So Trump called one his bodyguard. "Jump out of the window, now." Trump said.
"But Mr. President, we're on the top floor of a skyscraper! For God's sake, I have a family!" Begged the bodyguard with tears in his eyes. Moved by the bodyguard's words, Trump let the poor guy off the hook.
"Ha! You're pathetic." Xi sneered. "My bodyguards apparently can do much better!" Xi snapped his finger, and a man in black suits stepped forward. "Yes, Comrade Chairman?" He asked.
"Jump out of the window, now."
With no word spoken, the man walked towards the window, opened it, and was about to jump. In shock, Trump's bodyguards ran up, dragged the man back, and held him on the floor. "Why are you doing this, son?" Trump asked.
The Chinese bodyguard, still trying to break free, said, "please, Mr. President, I have a family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86jb8r/xi_jinping_and_trump_talking_in_a_hotel_room/
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What cloud based storage service do mexicans use?

JuanDrive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86j8y7/what_cloud_based_storage_service_do_mexicans_use/
%
I asked my wife if shed like me to be in the room with her when she delivered our child

She said "Why? It's not like you were in the room when she was concieved.
RIP Rodney Dangerfield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86j8lg/i_asked_my_wife_if_shed_like_me_to_be_in_the_room/
%
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp

The host asked me: What are you?
Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.
Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86j8bt/i_went_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_as_a_harp/
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Two guys meet at a bar ...

Says the one: "I am now the proud owner of a brothel!"
Says the other: "Oh nice, how much do you charge?"
"$30 for oral and $50 for anal."
"And how much for normal sex?"
"Well i don't have any employees yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86j5j0/two_guys_meet_at_a_bar/
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What was God doing before creation?

He was preparing hell, for those who pry to deep.
(This is actually a joke from Augustine!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86j13t/what_was_god_doing_before_creation/
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My friends all call me a chick magnet.

However due to my lack of ferromagnetic material in my chemical makeup I can can’t seem to think of what repels all these girls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86j0zb/my_friends_all_call_me_a_chick_magnet/
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Facebook will reveal what information about you was leaked in recent years.

Just log in and fill out this quiz on our new app.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ixlx/facebook_will_reveal_what_information_about_you/
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John Bolton and President Trump are meeting in the White House

Bolton reads off a report to Trump and says "Today, in the war on drugs we lost 2 Brazilian soldiers."
Donald breaks down crying, sobbing uncontrollably.
John Bolton cringes and says "There's no reason to be upset, this isn't a big deal."
Donald replies, "Wait, remind me... How many is a brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ivzl/john_bolton_and_president_trump_are_meeting_in/
%
"You want to see a pig with three eyes?"

A piiig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86iv9r/you_want_to_see_a_pig_with_three_eyes/
%
One day Jimmy got home early from school!

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86irzn/one_day_jimmy_got_home_early_from_school/
%
A boy was once born without a body, only a head.

His parents were in total shock: their new child, only a head with a hand coming out from where the neck would be. Somehow, the child was in relatively good health, so they brought him home and cared for him as they would any other child.
Raising Head Boy presented with many challenges. He could not walk or run, only crawl along with his hand. He was constantly questioning why he was so different from the other children. His parents had no answer for that, but otherwise taught him well.
Head Boy had a lot of trouble in school, as you could imagine. He got terrible grades, as he couldn’t properly write, and was constantly bullied for being only a head. He didn’t have any friends and couldn’t really take up any hobbies, so he just went through school in a constant state of misery.
Nothing changed in Head Boy’s life until he turned 21. Head Boy’s father offered to take him out to a bar for his first drink (and it was actually his first, as he wasn’t invited to any parties growing up).
“Sure,” said Head Boy. “It’s not like I have anything else to look forward to.”
So they went out to the bar and Head Boy’s father ordered two whiskeys, one for Head Boy and one for himself. Head Boy downed the drink and suddenly, an arm popped out from his neck! He had an arm!
“Oh my god, that’s it!” cried Head Boy. “Get me another drink!”
Head Boy drank the second drink, and out popped a second arm! He had shoulders now! He kept the drinks coming, and he got a torso! Then a leg! Then another leg! He became a whole person!
Head Boy was overcome with joy, and began dancing around the bar, naked, drunk, enjoying his body he had never known. He then ran out into the street and shouted “I am whole! I’m a whole person now!”
He was then run over by an SUV, killing him instantly.
The moral of this story is: quit while you’re ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86irwg/a_boy_was_once_born_without_a_body_only_a_head/
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When my wife got pregnant everything changed

My name, my address and my phone number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86irvs/when_my_wife_got_pregnant_everything_changed/
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[NSFW] A priest and an old blind woman who plays the church organ, are preparing for the weekly sermon.

Every week, the organ player eats a banana to keep her energy up before the crowds arrive, but she always seems to have terrible trouble peeling it.
The priest sees an opportunity and decides to swap the banana for his penis. The organ player grabs his tackle and starts fondling it.
A few seconds later as he is about to explode, the crowds start to enter the church. He quickly grabs his meat out of the organ players hands and says, "let me help you with that", handing her a ready peeled banana.
"Ah thank you Father, very kind of you", She says, and eats the fruit.
The next week arrives and the priest tries his luck again, playing his dirty trick on the poor old blind lady. Unfortunately for him, the churchgoers appear before he's finished, so he has to withdraw and give her the ready peeled banana.
"Thank you Father, you're too kind", She says, and eats it up.
The next week arrives and he gives his filthy trick one last try. He switches out her banana with his manhood and lets the unsuspecting organ player grab hold of it.
"Father, I appreciate it when you peel my bananas for me", says the organ player, "but it's not worth it for all the wanking I have to do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86il2u/nsfw_a_priest_and_an_old_blind_woman_who_plays/
%
Step 1: Name your dog miles.

Step 2: Brag that you walk miles every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ijhw/step_1_name_your_dog_miles/
%
Why did ancient Romans not exchange high fives?

They didn't want to spread HIV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86iifd/why_did_ancient_romans_not_exchange_high_fives/
%
Why is life in North Korea so lifeless?

Cause it lost it's Seoul!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ihth/why_is_life_in_north_korea_so_lifeless/
%
A girl had taken singing lessons from a famous teacher.

He was present at her recital, and after it was over she was anxious to know his reaction.
He didn't come back to congratulate her, and so she asked a friend, "What did he say?"
Her loyal friend answered, "He said that you sang heavenly."
She couldn't quite believe that her teacher had said that, so she probed, "Is that *exactly* what he said?"
"Well, no, but that is what he meant."
The girl insisted, "Tell me the exact words he used."
"Well, his exact words were, 'That was an unearthly noise!' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ig6a/a_girl_had_taken_singing_lessons_from_a_famous/
%
What did the Mexicans say when they heard Trump was building a wall?

We’ll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ice4/what_did_the_mexicans_say_when_they_heard_trump/
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Did you hear about that new Western movie about two poor cowboys?

It’s called Broke Ass Mountain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86iaxd/did_you_hear_about_that_new_western_movie_about/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

“That’s not funny”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86i7sm/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A very plane joke

Pilot: We are going to die.
Passengers: *starts freaking out*
Pilot: haha don’t worry we will all die one day.
Passengers: *sighs in relief*
Pilot: But we’ll all probably die when we hit that mountain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86i6h5/a_very_plane_joke/
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Hey girl are you Bitcoin?

Because you look like you’re about to crash and I’ll get screwed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86htiw/hey_girl_are_you_bitcoin/
%
Why is dark spelled with a 'k' and not a 'c’?

Because you can’t 'c’ in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ht0w/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_a_c/
%
I've had it with people texting and driving.

if i see one more person on their phone while driving im going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86hq1h/ive_had_it_with_people_texting_and_driving/
%
My wife isn't talking to me

Funny thing is, she thinks she's punishing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86hjlj/my_wife_isnt_talking_to_me/
%
Why do melons need their parents’ permission to get married?

Because they can’t elope!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86hfvh/why_do_melons_need_their_parents_permission_to/
%
What does a nosey pepper do?

Get jalapeno business! 🙄

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86hequ/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
%
Why is the rear of a ship so hard to impress?

Cause they only give stern looks of disapproval.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86hbyd/why_is_the_rear_of_a_ship_so_hard_to_impress/
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Plumbers are some of the most personable people...

They’re always dealing with your shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86hbh4/plumbers_are_some_of_the_most_personable_people/
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What does Pirates of the Caribbean have in common with corn?

They're both about a buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86hb87/what_does_pirates_of_the_caribbean_have_in_common/
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I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86hal3/im_american_and_im_sick_of_hearing_that_america/
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Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86h73m/trump_advisor_you_shouldt_have_called_putin_to/
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A Chinese and a Nigerian official meet each other at a meeting.

They soon became good friends and exchanged their business cards.
"If you ever come to China, call me and we can hang out!" says the Chinese official.
"Really? Cool! Same to you. If you ever come to Nigeria, call me and we can hang out!" says the Nigerian official.
6 months later, the Nigerian comes to China, remembering about his Chinese official and decides to call him.
"Hey, I'm in China, want to hang out today?" he asks.
"Sure! Just a question, where are you staying?" the Chinese official asks.
"The Hilton." the Nigerian replies.
"Pack your things and meet me at the front. You can live with me for your trip."
"Sounds good."
The Chinese official pulls up to the hotel with a BMW, the latest model. The Nigerian gets in and the Chinese official takes him on the freeway to his condo. On the freeway, the Nigerian admires the beautiful scenery. Once at the condominium, the Nigerian is impressed at how big the condo is: 5 rooms, 3 bathrooms, and much more that he was baffled about.
The Nigerian official goes to the master bedroom and asks
"You are just a Chinese official, how do you have enough?"
The Chinese official tells him to come to the window and asks, "What do you see outside?"
"Houses, apartments, and people."
"You see that freeway? Yeah, I took 10%".
Fast forward 3 months when the Chinese official comes to Nigeria.
"Hey, I just got to Nigeria, want to go grab food later?" he asks.
"Sure! Where are you staying?" the Nigerian official asks.
"The Hilton." the Chinese official replies.
"Well, pack your things and meet me at the front because you are going to be living with me."
"Great, I'll get ready."
The Nigerian official pulls up to the hotel with a Lamborghini. The Chinese official gets in and the Nigerian takes him. The Chinese official is really excited, wanting to see the beautiful place Nigeria is. They drive and drive when suddenly the road turns into a muddy unpaved road, filled with mud. Huts and children running around. The Chinese official is shocked until they get to the Nigerian's place: a mansion. The mansion is gorgeous, 35 bedrooms, completed with a slide to the pool from the 2nd floor to the 1st.
The Chinese official goes to the master bedroom and checks the toilet, in disbelief. The toilet seat is pure gold.
He then ask,
"You are just a Nigerian official, how do you have enough?"
The Nigerian official tells him to come to the window and asks, "What do you see outside?"
"Huts, poverty, and barren wasteland."
"You see that dirt road? 100%."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86h1gc/a_chinese_and_a_nigerian_official_meet_each_other/
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Why couldn’t the backbone play the piano?

He only knew the spinal chord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86gyih/why_couldnt_the_backbone_play_the_piano/
%
You know when I said I didn't know another word for "affiliated"?

Allied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86gy71/you_know_when_i_said_i_didnt_know_another_word/
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Ever wondered why bread is just like the sun?

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86gv6f/ever_wondered_why_bread_is_just_like_the_sun/
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A Man and Wife in Church

Wife: I've just made a silent fart... can you smell it, what should we do?
Husband: Turn up your hearing aid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86gthl/a_man_and_wife_in_church/
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When is an island not an island?

When it is nothing atoll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86glxu/when_is_an_island_not_an_island/
%
What did the sign on the brothel's door say?

Beat it, we're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86gkjd/what_did_the_sign_on_the_brothels_door_say/
%
Why is television called a medium?

Because it isn't rare and is never quite well done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ghtn/why_is_television_called_a_medium/
%
A police officer arrested a man who was in a mental hospital.

The officer busted a nut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86gfs3/a_police_officer_arrested_a_man_who_was_in_a/
%
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86gen3/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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Why did Jill Stein try to censor a movie where the hero uses a shop vacuum to save people?

Because she doesn't want anyone to think there's such a thing as good vac scenes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86gadh/why_did_jill_stein_try_to_censor_a_movie_where/
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door...

..he opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘Why the repost?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86g8vp/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_at/
%
A guy storms into a bank, pulls out his gun, points it at a teller and hollers, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Trembling, the teller stammers, “D...d...don’t y...y...you m...m...mean h...h...history?”

The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86g4rv/a_guy_storms_into_a_bank_pulls_out_his_gun_points/
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Relationships are like mobile phones.

You look at your iPhone 6 and think ‘It used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86fumc/relationships_are_like_mobile_phones/
%
A priest and a rabbit walk into a bar

The bartender says "I think someone has made a typo here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86fttd/a_priest_and_a_rabbit_walk_into_a_bar/
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You can't fight destiny

Well you can, but then you're going to have to fight the bouncers and probably all the other strippers too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86fsje/you_cant_fight_destiny/
%
Why do ducks have feathers?

To hide their butt quacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86fsat/why_do_ducks_have_feathers/
%
"My favourite musical composer has gone missing!"

"Don't worry, I've got your Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86fp9g/my_favourite_musical_composer_has_gone_missing/
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Don’t you just hate those people that knock on your door telling you, you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn”

Stupid firemen.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86fjqa/dont_you_just_hate_those_people_that_knock_on/
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I don't understand women...

I woke up this morning and asked my wife, "what's wrong", and she said, "nothing".
At breakfast I asked her "what's wrong" and she said, "nothing". I asked her again on the way out of the house, phoned her on the way to work, called her every half hour at work, met her for lunch and asked her again, phoned her in the afternoon and pulled her out of an important meeting, and all she could say was, "nothing".
We arrived home from work and I asked her what's wrong, and she said, "NOTHING!"
I was like, "WOAH, fucking hell, calm down... What's wrong?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86fhit/i_dont_understand_women/
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[Walking in park] Date: "Impress me" Me: "I can talk to animals" Date: "Prove it"

Me [to duck]: "Hello you fucking duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86fetq/walking_in_park_date_impress_me_me_i_can_talk_to/
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A man is told by his doctor he has 3 testicles

he is so exalted that he wants to tell it to everyone, while he is going back home in the bus says to a random man: "Do you know that I have one more testicle than you?"
The man answers: "Wow, are you telling me that you have five testicles?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86fesy/a_man_is_told_by_his_doctor_he_has_3_testicles/
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Our English teacher said that in English, using double negatives implies a positive, and in other languages, using double negatives implies a negative. But, in no languages does a double positive imply a negative.

I said, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86fdm7/our_english_teacher_said_that_in_english_using/
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The Romans did not find algebra challenging

because X was always 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86fc1j/the_romans_did_not_find_algebra_challenging/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86fbhv/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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I don't like floors.

They make up stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86f5h2/i_dont_like_floors/
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A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86f44u/a_man_in_an_interrogation_room_says_im_not_saying/
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I buy all of my fish from one store...

...it's my sole provider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ezl3/i_buy_all_of_my_fish_from_one_store/
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What's the difference between a nuclear power plant and your mom?

I need protection to enter a nuclear power plant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86eyzq/whats_the_difference_between_a_nuclear_power/
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Did you know that bus drivers are good for more than driving the bus.

Thanks to them the pregnancy rate in nuns has dropped drastically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ewvd/did_you_know_that_bus_drivers_are_good_for_more/
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Everyone knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ersh/everyone_knows_dave/
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A lot of people tell me when they drink coffee they can't sleep.

I have the same problem but the other way around, when I sleep I can't drink coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ej6c/a_lot_of_people_tell_me_when_they_drink_coffee/
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Why did the monkey and Jane fight over Tarzan?

Because they heard that he swings both ways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86egww/why_did_the_monkey_and_jane_fight_over_tarzan/
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How did I become a philosopher?

Well, there's no short answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ega2/how_did_i_become_a_philosopher/
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A man isn't complete until he gets married..

then he's finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86edew/a_man_isnt_complete_until_he_gets_married/
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I ordered a pair of sneakers from an online shopping site and found it to be defective.

Is that an e-shoe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ecwo/i_ordered_a_pair_of_sneakers_from_an_online/
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What is the one food to never feed your significant other if you want more blowjobs?

Wedding cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86e99f/what_is_the_one_food_to_never_feed_your/
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What did the handless kid get for Christmas?

Idk, he couldnt open it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86e7tq/what_did_the_handless_kid_get_for_christmas/
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The curse of the forest

One guy goes out in the forest hunting. He spots a peculiar looking deer and shoots at it mortally wounding it . As the deer draws his last breath, a shaman comes out running of the woods and starts yelling at the guy that the deer was a very special deer and that he'd been cursed now by the spirits of the forest.
The guy doesn't take him seriously and goes back to his house.
The next morning he wakes up and feels something weird on his face. He goes to the bathroom and sees that a huge penis hangs out of the center of his forehead on to his nose.
He starts panicking and runs(with the penis flailing about) to a doctor. The doctor runs tests, gives him some pills but the penis won't disappear. He goes back home and tries to cut the penis with a saw but nothing works.
Realizing he won't find a way to cure himself, he goes back to the forest to try to find the shaman.
When he finally finds him, he starts begging the shaman to somehow reverse the curse. The shaman nods and says that unfortunately there is no way to reverse the curse.
The guy starts crying:"What am I going to do know? How can I look at people's faces like this?"
The shaman reassures him:"You won't. Tomorrow the testicles will grow out"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86e7ic/the_curse_of_the_forest/
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You know why you should never trust Russian Pokemon?

Fake Mews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86e693/you_know_why_you_should_never_trust_russian/
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Little Johnny was in class

and the teacher said "what we are going to do today class is, I am going to give you a letter and I want someone to raise their hand and if l call on you l want you to give me a word that begins with that letter.
So The teacher says "A" and Little Johnny immediately raises his hand but the teacher knows he will say asshole so she calls on Little Mary and she says "apple." "Very good" the teacher replied.
"Okay, how about the letter B" Little Johnny once again immediately raises his hand and says "please please pick me" so the teacher thinks for a moment and inside her head knows he'll say bitch or bastard, so she skips over Little Johnny and calls on Little Brad and Little Brad replies "boat." "Very good Brad" the teacher says.
"Now how about C" the teacher asks.
Immediately Little Johnny's eyes light up and this time says "oh pick me, pick me l know one" the teacher instantly goes right to Little Bobby and he says "car." "That's a good one Bobby."
So the teacher does the same thing with the letter D and ignores Little Jonny raising his hand.
Now the teacher says "You're all doing a great job class, how about E" this time Little Johnny stands up waving his arms begging for a chance.
So the teacher pauses for a solid 10 to 15 seconds and can't think of one bad word that begins with the letter E.
So she reluctantly calls on Little Johnny and Little Johnny very nicely and calmly says "Elephant" and before the much-relieved teacher can even exhale, Little Johnny puts both hands up out in front of himself approximately two feet apart and yells out "with a fucking cock this big!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86e50j/little_johnny_was_in_class/
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Little man in a bar, staring sadly at a shotglass for hours.

A big burly guy comes in, slaps him on the back, and downs the shot in a single gulp. The little guy bursts into tears.
"Hey, calm down, man, it was just a joke," says the big guy. "Look, I'll buy you another drink."
"No, you don't understand!" blubbers the little guy, struggling to keep it together. "I'm having the worst day of my life! Today at work, I flubbed a big sales deal. The boss chewed me out in front of the whole company and fired me on the spot. I came home early to find my wife in bed with another man. And just when I had decided to end it all, you went and drank my poison!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86e37h/little_man_in_a_bar_staring_sadly_at_a_shotglass/
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What's long and hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber you sick pervert!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86dxtn/whats_long_and_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
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Adblock makes you unattractive to women...

I just installed it and now all the horny single women in my area have lost interest in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86dx0d/adblock_makes_you_unattractive_to_women/
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I'm not racist

I love all people whether they're black, brown, yellow, or normal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86dsmj/im_not_racist/
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LPT: How to Deal with Fat Jokes

Lighten up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86dnmn/lpt_how_to_deal_with_fat_jokes/
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Two chemists walk into a bar

The Bartender asks what they want to drink
Chemist 1: I’ll have an H2O
Chemist 2: See this is why I fucking hate going out with you, you pretentious fuck. Just call it water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ddj3/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
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My beloved girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine!

This is why I added some Sprite and grapes to it and now she’s sangria then ever…...!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86dcxr/my_beloved_girlfriend_always_gets_mad_when_i_mess/
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The sad reality of being adopted by a gay couple is...

You have to endure twice the amount of dad jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86d9ov/the_sad_reality_of_being_adopted_by_a_gay_couple/
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I’m so broke, I went to check my account balance at the ATM...

And it printed me out a coupon for Ramen Noodles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86d6zf/im_so_broke_i_went_to_check_my_account_balance_at/
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In an upcoming film, Matthew McConaughey is going to play a Neo-Nazi

He’s gonna be alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86cylu/in_an_upcoming_film_matthew_mcconaughey_is_going/
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This most recent snow storm was a lot like what women experience with me in the bedroom

What was supposed to be 8" somehow turned into 4"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86cuam/this_most_recent_snow_storm_was_a_lot_like_what/
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Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now, you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86clyk/remember_when_plastic_surgery_was_a_taboo_subject/
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I wrote a story about my sex life.

There was no climax

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86cjgf/i_wrote_a_story_about_my_sex_life/
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I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.

But he says he can stop any time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ci8r/i_know_a_guy_whos_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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Customer: 'Have you got that new book about small penises?'

Librarian: 'I don't think it's in yet.'
Customer: 'That's the one!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ci8d/customer_have_you_got_that_new_book_about_small/
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How many Skateboarders does it ake to change a lightbulb?

Three.
One to do it,
One to film it,
and one more to say...
"damn that was sick man!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86cg2c/how_many_skateboarders_does_it_ake_to_change_a/
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I am proud to be single by choice

Not my choice, but still...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86cfd5/i_am_proud_to_be_single_by_choice/
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Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

...Because then it would be a foot!
(Yes, I stole this joke from a kid who told it to me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86c7ze/why_cant_your_nose_be_12_inches_long/
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A problem at the restaurant

Waiter!" shouted the furious diner. "How dare you serve me this! There's a TWIG in my soup!"
"My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86c7cj/a_problem_at_the_restaurant/
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What was the excuse the closeted necrophiliac gave his girlfriend for missing dinner?

"Was out having a cold one with the boys"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86c6eg/what_was_the_excuse_the_closeted_necrophiliac/
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Don't Touch It, Timmy!

The teacher was very impressed with Timmy's answer to her question so she told him to come up to the front of the class, close his eyes and hold out his hands for a surprise. "But first," she said, "You have to guess what it is."
"A toy?"
"No."
"A new pencil?"
"No," said the teacher as she held the Hershey's kiss right above his opened hands. "Let me give you a hint. It's something your dad asks you mom for every day before he leaves for work."
"Don't touch it, Timmy!" yells little Johnny. "It's a piece of ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86c3tn/dont_touch_it_timmy/
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My doctor apologized for the botched circumcision that left me impotent.

I told him no hard feelings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86c0ui/my_doctor_apologized_for_the_botched_circumcision/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic racist?

He hates gingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86btqi/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_racist/
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I was with this girl...

So I was with this girl for a little while. The relationship seemed like it was going well. We went everywhere and did everything together. Then one day, out of nowhere, she decides the relationship “isn’t healthy” for her!  She just casts me aside like I’m nothing. I was devastated.
I ran into her the other day. I was hoping we might reconnect, but she was not happy to see me. I tried talking to her, but she just got angry. I said, “What happened to us?”
She said, “Really!?! Umm, maybe I finally realized that you were a total parasite!”
“Hey, that’s not fair,” I replied.
“And what the fuck is up with this stupid gladiator costume, Julius Caesar or whatever the hell it is that you wear ALL THE TIME?”
“Damn, I never knew it bothered...”
“And you fucking gave me lymes disease! Really?LYMES DISEASE?!?”
“But I... I love...”
Then she stormed off.
I still wish we could make things work, but I’m starting to have my doubts.
I’m afraid I’m just a hopeless Roman tic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86btom/i_was_with_this_girl/
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My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86bhwi/my_friend_told_me_about_a_wonder_food_that_he/
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Being seduced by the younger sister

So apparently this guy was engaged to a beautiful woman.  He got along well with her family but he could not deny that her younger sister was drop-dead gorgeous and he felt a strong attraction to her.  A week before the wedding, he gets a mysterious phone call from the sister asking him to come over to her house and to hurry.
So he drives over, knocks on the front door wondering what on earth could be happening?  She greets him at the door and invites him in.  She is wearing a stunning Victoria's Secret negligee, the house is dark and there is soft music playing.
"I know you're marrying my sister in a week," she said.  "Before that happens, I just wanted to have you come over, take me upstairs and make passionate love to me. I promise you my sister will never find out."  With that she turned her back and walked slowly up the stairs.
The guy turns, charges out the front door and races to his car.  He stops in amazement when he sees his fiancee and her entire family gathered on the sidewalk applauding.  In a moment her sister comes outdoors in a robe and joins in the applause.
"What's going on?" he asked.
His fiancee stepped forward, her family beaming approval behind her.  "This was just a test of your faithfulness.   I wanted to make sure that you were 100% devoted to me and would never try to be with someone else.  Darling, I'm so happy!"
She embraced him as her family cheered.
The lesson of this story: always keep your condoms in the glove compartment of your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86bgv2/being_seduced_by_the_younger_sister/
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Jesus is wandering around Heaven, surveying all the saved souls...

...when he spots an old man in the corner, crying.
Jesus approaches the man: "Hey you!  This is Heaven!  You can't be sad here!  This is the ultimate prize!  People go to church every day of their lives to end up here!  Stop crying, you should be happy to have gotten in!"
The old man composes himself, wipes the tears from his eyes and says to Jesus, "I'm sorry".  Jesus thinks that maybe he's been a bit too harsh and asks the man "Why are you so sad?"
The man explains, "Many years ago, before I got here, I was a poor carpenter, we didn't have much.  My son wasn't even born in a proper hospital!  I had hoped my son would follow me into the carpentry trade but..."
Naturally, this strikes a chord with Jesus.  "Well what happened to your son?" he asks.
"Well, one day my son had to go on a big adventure!  He was gone, and I never saw him again.  The reason I'm crying is that I had hoped to reunite with him here!"
Now it is Jesus who is crying.  Tears streaming down his face, he can't quite believe who he's talking to.  He holds up his hands and ventures "And did your son have holes in his hands like these?"
The old man is overwhelmed with joy: "I don't believe it!  Is it really you?"
"My father!" cries Jesus.
"My Pinocchio!" cries the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86bfyd/jesus_is_wandering_around_heaven_surveying_all/
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If some part of your job feels utterly pointless, remember

Putin campaigned for the 2018 elections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86bdqs/if_some_part_of_your_job_feels_utterly_pointless/
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And Jesus said unto his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross

Don't touch my fucking Easter eggs, i'll be back on Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86bbyz/and_jesus_said_unto_his_12_apostles_as_he_was/
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Which reeepost is this!

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86bbxv/which_reeepost_is_this/
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A doctor is showing a female benefactor around the hospital.

As they look into one of the patient rooms, they both, to the horror of the female benefactor, see this male patient furiously masturbating.
The woman says to the doctor, “Oh my God. What’s going on there?”
The doctor says, “Madam, I’m terribly sorry you were exposed to this. This patient has a terrible health condition. If he doesn’t masturbate at least five times a day, his testicles fill up with semen, they could rupture, and he could die.”
The woman says, “Oh, in that case, well I guess I understand.”
They’re walking past the next room and there is another male patient, and a female nurse is performing oral sex on him.
And with that, the woman says, “How can that be justified?”
The doctor says, “Same condition. Better health-care plan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86b9qa/a_doctor_is_showing_a_female_benefactor_around/
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Why are Asians so good at Math?

Their dogs can't eat their homework.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86b8qf/why_are_asians_so_good_at_math/
%
A poet writes in verse.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86b585/a_poet_writes_in_verse/
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We had an open position with 60 applicants. I said, "I don't have time to review all these resumes. Just hire the one with the biggest tits!"

Larry starts Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86azhu/we_had_an_open_position_with_60_applicants_i_said/
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A man goes to his doctor

and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results. "Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?" "Why, yes," replied the man. "And did you have sex while over there?" The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice." The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'" The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?" "Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation." "An operation? What kind of operation?" "We cut off your penis." "Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?" The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!" The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment. He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it. Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent physician. After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room. "Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait. "Yes." "And is it really incurable?" "Yes, there is no known cure." The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?" At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter. "What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?" As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!" "I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed. "Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by itself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ay94/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor/
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What kind of house requires a lot of water?

A house on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86axxm/what_kind_of_house_requires_a_lot_of_water/
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"Hey. Did you know I'm a zombie hunter?"

"What? Zombies don't exist."
"You're welcome."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86atkn/hey_did_you_know_im_a_zombie_hunter/
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengence

We'll see about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86arbb/my_therapist_says_i_have_a_preoccupation_with/
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When is a black dog not a black dog?

When he is a greyhound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86apc2/when_is_a_black_dog_not_a_black_dog/
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Yesterday my best friend, John left with my wife

"Since when was he your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86aiau/yesterday_my_best_friend_john_left_with_my_wife/
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During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit masturbating.

I asked, “*Why??*”
He said, “Because. I’m trying to complete your examination and you’re making things really awkward right now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86afoj/during_my_annual_physical_my_doctor_was_going/
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My granddad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting, is the make-up sex...

Which probably explains his short-lived career as a boxer…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86ae63/my_granddad_always_used_to_say_to_me_that_the/
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A Republican and a scientist were together during the last moments of the Titanic...

The scientist said "In a hundred years that giant iceberg would melt and contribute in the rising of the sea level."
Then the Republican said "If we're sinking, why are we a hundred feet up in the air?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86acvs/a_republican_and_a_scientist_were_together_during/
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An old German man walks into a confession booth

He tells the priest on the other side, 'Father, forgive me, for I have sinned'.
The priest says, 'God forgives all, my son. Tell me, what sin have you committed?'
The old man continues; 'Well, it was 1941, during the war, and there was this Jewish girl whose entire family had been deported. She begged me to let her hide in my house and I said yes, but only if she repaid me with sexual favours'.
The priest nodded thoughtfully, and replied; 'Well, what you did was certainly lustful, but you did a greater act of good by sheltering the persecuted in your home. God will surely forgive you for that.'
'Thank you, father' replied the old man, and as he was about to leave, he said; 'Oh, father?'
'Yes, my son?'
'Do I have to tell her the war's over?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86acn1/an_old_german_man_walks_into_a_confession_booth/
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Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86aazw/funny_that_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_tons_of_girls/
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The word diputseromneve is pretty stupid

But backwards it's even more stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86a9f6/the_word_diputseromneve_is_pretty_stupid/
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I'm so good in bed.

I can sleep the whole night through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86a4z5/im_so_good_in_bed/
%
I am a big fan of Sarah Palin.

Oops,  I meant Parasailin'. All these dyslexic jokes are confusing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86a2xx/i_am_a_big_fan_of_sarah_palin/
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I have a pair of shoes which are almost exactly like anal sex

Painful at first but then pleasantly comfortable once you get into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86a16z/i_have_a_pair_of_shoes_which_are_almost_exactly/
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A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true that men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman was a bit promiscuous and was curious to see if the old adage was correct, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thank you, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some smaller boots"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869y99/a_lady_went_into_a_bar_in_waco_and_saw_a_cowboy/
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What does menstruation mean?

A bloody waste of Fucking time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869wtf/what_does_menstruation_mean/
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My motto is “Efficiency. Efficiency. Efficiency.”

Oop. I guess I only need to say it once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869vmm/my_motto_is_efficiency_efficiency_efficiency/
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One Sunday morning...

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was brokenhearted.
After few months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Mom, did you know dad was such a cheater? He has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Eh," his mother sighted, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869ull/one_sunday_morning/
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What do you call a cat that rose from the dead?

Purranormal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869ual/what_do_you_call_a_cat_that_rose_from_the_dead/
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What do you call a bad dream about sauce?

A nightmarinara.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869swq/what_do_you_call_a_bad_dream_about_sauce/
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I got the "Bookworm" award in the school because I have the most visits to the library.

Of course they don't know the library's toilet is very suitable for masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869rmd/i_got_the_bookworm_award_in_the_school_because_i/
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A bear and a hare found a magic lamp.

And the genie that comes out of it says that they both get 3 wishes each.
The bear goes first and say: I wish to be the sexiest male bear in the universe.
The genie snaps his finger and simply replies: Your wish has been granted.
The hare asks for a Harley Davidson motorcycle.
The genie snaps his finger, and a custom-sized motorcycle appear next to the trio.
The bear then proceeds with his second wish: I want to be popular amongts humans, so they will stop trying to hunt me.
The genie again snaps his finger and confirm his wish was granted.
The hare then asks: I wish to have an helmet that fits perfectly with the H-D You gave me earlier.
The genie snaps his fingers, and a cool looking helmet that matched the motorcycle colors appears on the hare's head.
The bear proceed with his final wish: I want to be the ONLY male bear in the entire world, so I can keep all females for me.
The genie snaps his finger, and confirm the last with was granted.
The hare gets on the bike, starts the engine and before he leaves, he asks the genie: I wish that bear to be homosexual.
And then the hare runs away in his Harley-Davidson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869qhe/a_bear_and_a_hare_found_a_magic_lamp/
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My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869ndz/my_uncle_got_shot_by_a_stray_bullet_by_some/
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If the Earth is flat

then my belly is too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869n79/if_the_earth_is_flat/
%
I partied with lithium tantalum fluoride

it was LiTaF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869mpq/i_partied_with_lithium_tantalum_fluoride/
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Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869joa/today_a_girl_kissed_me/
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How do you call a homosexual russian knight?

Sergey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869exf/how_do_you_call_a_homosexual_russian_knight/
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I still remember my old mans last words before he kicked the bucket...

“Hey! Look how far i can kick this bucket!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869d2f/i_still_remember_my_old_mans_last_words_before_he/
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Two Irish men are walking to Dublin

We’ll call them Sean and Murphy. And they’re two Irish farm hands going to Dublin on their day off.
Sean falls and twists his ankle and says “Aye, Murph. I can’t go much farther. I’ll just nip into this bar off the road and you can get me on yer way back.”
Murphy says, “alright, Sean.”
Sean hobbles into a pub on the corner and sits down to a pint. About 15 minutes later, Murphy comes back in a fancy BMW. Sean exclaims, “Aye, Murph, where’d ya get the car? You didn’t nip it away, did ye?”
Murphy hops out and says, “no, Sean. The strangest thing happened on me way to Dublin. I was walking along when a wee Bonnie lass rolls up to me in her car. She says to me, “oh, Irish farm boy, do you need a ride?” I thinks to meself, “alright.” But this lass starts driving off crazy. Right into the middle of this farmers field. Then, she gets out and starts taking all her clothes off. Till she was naked as the day she was born. And she says to me, low and sweet, “oh, Irish farm boy, you can have anything you want.”
“So I took the car.”
Sean says, “Aye, Murph, ya made the right choice. Those clothes would’ve done nothing for ya.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869cth/two_irish_men_are_walking_to_dublin/
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What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869bc8/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
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Reddit should get a medal on Earth Day...

It’s basically one big recycling bin used every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869ag3/reddit_should_get_a_medal_on_earth_day/
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869acf/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
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A midget walks into a bar.

He loses the limbo competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/869a3r/a_midget_walks_into_a_bar/
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Never drink something from a shoe...

It’s probably been laced with something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8697pb/never_drink_something_from_a_shoe/
%
Did you hear about the lady with breast cancer and amnesia?

She has mammary problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8695m4/did_you_hear_about_the_lady_with_breast_cancer/
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A man walks into a bar with a pet Aligator

So a man walks into a bar with his pet alligator and the bartender says "woah there buddy we don't allow dangerous murdering animals in here" and the guy responds "no, no it's totally tame I'll prove it" he unzipps his pants and then tells the aligator "open", it opens it mouth and he sets his 'junk' in it. After a few minutes he puts it back in his pants and says "see, perfectly tame. Now would anyone else like to try?
Guy at the end of the bar says "yeah, but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8693w3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_pet_aligator/
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Why was Icarus afraid of Oedipus?

Because he is the mother fucking son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8693ln/why_was_icarus_afraid_of_oedipus/
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What do you call hellish pasta?

Al Dente's inferno

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86932r/what_do_you_call_hellish_pasta/
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A bartender notices one of his regulars at the bar looked depressed, so he strikes up a conversation

“What’s got you down?” the bartender asks.
“Well,” the man says sheepishly, “I got fired for having sex with my boss’s daughter.”
“You old dog,” the bartender chuckles. “I understand why he’d be upset, but i would think what you do on your personal time is none of his business. Did you even know she was his daughter?”
“Not at all!” He says. “I didn’t even know he had a daughter at that grade school.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/868zde/a_bartender_notices_one_of_his_regulars_at_the/
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Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"

Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/868x1y/woman_to_her_husband_while_at_it_please_say_dirty/
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One time, I carried out an entire conversation with a man by speaking to him in Spanish while he spoke to me in Italian

It was the most romantic conversation I've ever had

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/868t0o/one_time_i_carried_out_an_entire_conversation/
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We started calling the toilet in our house Samwise Gamgee.

Because we all "Share the load" with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/868rlr/we_started_calling_the_toilet_in_our_house/
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What do a hurricane in North Florida, a tornado in Oklahoma, and a divorce in East Texas have in common?

Someone’s going to lose a mobile home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/868oh6/what_do_a_hurricane_in_north_florida_a_tornado_in/
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(Ukrainian joke). Leaders of three countries discuss their economies and taxes.

US President says:” we tax our people at roughly 30%, and what they do with the rest, is not of my business”
UK prime minister says: “ we tax our people at 50%, and what they do with the rest is none of my business.”
Ukrainian president says:” we tax our people at 130%, and where they get the rest, is none of my business”
This is a joke from the 1990s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/868o8s/ukrainian_joke_leaders_of_three_countries_discuss/
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I gave away all of my dead batteries today.

Free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/868kgr/i_gave_away_all_of_my_dead_batteries_today/
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Two clowns were eating a cannibal.

The first clown says, "I don't think we have this joke completely sorted out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/868ehb/two_clowns_were_eating_a_cannibal/
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An A-list celebrity dies and finds himself at the gates of heaven

An A\-list celebrity dies and finds himself at the gates of heaven.
Saint Peter looks at him with disdain.
"Barley Coin, is it?" says Saint Peter.
"Yeah, that's me," says Barley. "I'm on the list, right? I can get in. I am, after all, immensely famous and donated a lot to charity during my life."
Saint Peter pulls out a scroll and unfurls it. It rolls and stretches into the distance, farther than the eye can see.
"So I'm near the top of that list, right?" says Barley, feeling a little nervous.
"Oh this isn't a list of people waiting to get in," says Saint Peter. "This is a list of the children you sexually abused. You have to wait for each of them to die and apologize to them as they come through."
Barley smacks his forehead. "Jeez, Saint Peter, I was scared there for a moment. I believe you have me confused with my twin brother, Harley Coin. Happens all the time. Totally understandable."
"But that's ridiculous," says Saint Peter. "You're an A\-list celebrity. You have an enormous amount of wealth, power, and influence. What line of work could possibly have more capability of sexually abusing children than your own?"
"Ah," says Barley, "well, you see, my brother is a Catholic priest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8689z8/an_alist_celebrity_dies_and_finds_himself_at_the/
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How did the scarecrow get his job?

He was out-standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86894o/how_did_the_scarecrow_get_his_job/
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Dad joke

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/868932/dad_joke/
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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."
Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him,
turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86888a/an_elderly_man_finds_he_is_unable_to_perform/
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What would America do if Russia painted the moon red?

Paint Coca Cola over it in white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86887w/what_would_america_do_if_russia_painted_the_moon/
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Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8687nh/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_who_couldnt/
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Why do elephants have such wrinkled skin?

Because they're difficult to iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86828y/why_do_elephants_have_such_wrinkled_skin/
%
My math teacher keeps telling me to simplify my fractions

I do it 48/14

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8681ld/my_math_teacher_keeps_telling_me_to_simplify_my/
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Why is Pennywise good with computers?

Because he works in the IT department.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8680t8/why_is_pennywise_good_with_computers/
%
Easter

Wife: What are you doing for Easter?
Hubbie: the same thing Jesus does.
Wife: what do you mean?
Hubbie: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday.
Wife: that’s amazing. Go ahead you do that and I’ll be like Mary.
Hubbie: What do you mean?
Wife: I’ll show up pregnant, untouched by my husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8680nd/easter/
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I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino, but after four weeks, they still hadn’t been delivered. I called them up to see what was going on...

They told me they were still dealing with my order…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/868033/i_ordered_a_secondhand_deck_of_cards_from_a/
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What did Communists use to light their houses before Candles?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867zce/what_did_communists_use_to_light_their_houses/
%
Which river is always sad?

The Crimea River

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867wi0/which_river_is_always_sad/
%
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?

You wouldn’t know, you weren’t there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867w35/how_many_vietnam_vets_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867nyf/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_daily_sex/
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I was talking to a russian the other day and he said that russia is the largest european nation...

I said, sorry man, eurasian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867ny2/i_was_talking_to_a_russian_the_other_day_and_he/
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Little Johnny is back!

A teacher asks the kids in her 6th grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this response from little Johnny decides not to acknowledge what he said and tries to continue with the lesson
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's whore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867nal/little_johnny_is_back/
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2 Math books are on a shelf

2 math books are on a shelf.
The first book sighs and says to the other book; "I really don't like my life"
"What do you mean?" says the other book,
"I have so many problems", it replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867moy/2_math_books_are_on_a_shelf/
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How is your virginity like the last piece of pizza?

You try to save it until the right time but then your dad just ends up taking it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867ly3/how_is_your_virginity_like_the_last_piece_of_pizza/
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It was reported that Donald Trump tried, unsuccessfully, to hang himself yesterday.

Fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867l77/it_was_reported_that_donald_trump_tried/
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After Astronomers discovered the Earth rotates about an axis...

They got bored and decided to call it a day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867im1/after_astronomers_discovered_the_earth_rotates/
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Since you're in a suit & tie, I'll have to charge you a $20 fanciness fee.

"Fanciness fee? What the hell is that?"
"It's a sircharge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867gpp/since_youre_in_a_suit_tie_ill_have_to_charge_you/
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After he fell off the wall, Humpty Dumpty fell on hard times....

He couldn’t get his life together. Humpty didn’t remember eggsactly what happened. He was diagnosed with amnesia and his memories were scrambled from that moment. Humpty walked out of the hospital he was all yolked up and crying. He fell to drugs and became a crack head. Humpty became a true shell of himself before he went to rehab. It was difficult for him since people were hard boiling him with questions about his state of mind. Humpty couldn’t take all this stress and he started to mentally break fast. But, with help from a doctor, went back to normal and everything became sunny side up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867do3/after_he_fell_off_the_wall_humpty_dumpty_fell_on/
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Have you ever heard of the Greek hero, Bophades?

See, Bophades had a story very similar to that of Achilles. Like Achilles, he was bathed in the River Styx as a child. The Styx, like Achilles gave Bophades near invulnerability. However, unlike Achilles, who was vulnerable in the heel, Bophades was vulnerable in the groin. You know how you've heard of "Achilles' heel"? Well now you've got to see "Bophades' nuts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867bl7/have_you_ever_heard_of_the_greek_hero_bophades/
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What do you call Elsa when she locked herself in her room for years?

Iceolated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867ayc/what_do_you_call_elsa_when_she_locked_herself_in/
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I lost my mood ring . . .

I’m not sure how I feel about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867ad9/i_lost_my_mood_ring/
%
What do you call a Jamaican spear wielding man?

Pokey Mon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/867aad/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_spear_wielding_man/
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Told my fiance her parents read her like a book, and that I read her like a shit post on reddit.

I always know what's coming next but I read the whole thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8677mq/told_my_fiance_her_parents_read_her_like_a_book/
%
What makes bows so accurate?

Arrowdynamics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8677f5/what_makes_bows_so_accurate/
%
No matter how worthless you may think you are, just remember; ...

...you are always worth something on the black market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8675s1/no_matter_how_worthless_you_may_think_you_are/
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I was talking to my friend and he brought up Indian flatbread out of nowhere.

It was a real naan sequitur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8674gf/i_was_talking_to_my_friend_and_he_brought_up/
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Give a Newfie a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Newfie to fish,

He’ll draw unemployment all winter long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8673mp/give_a_newfie_a_fish_hell_eat_for_a_day_teach_a/
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A QA Tester walks into a bar

He orders a beer.
He orders -1 beers.
He orders a penguin.
He orders a bfsadflkasdf.
He orders a OR 1=1.
He orders 23940239203492304920392304203423 beers.
He orders an order of beer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86738h/a_qa_tester_walks_into_a_bar/
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How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise everyone a much brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86735z/how_many_brexiteers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Why is the ocean salty?

because the land doesn't wave back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8672so/why_is_the_ocean_salty/
%
I wanted to know how many people have actually left Facebook

So I set up a Facebook poll, so far no responses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/866w9f/i_wanted_to_know_how_many_people_have_actually/
%
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon, when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year, I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go..."

"Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then, two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene got pregnant once again!"
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Earlene with me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/866u00/billy_bob_and_luther_were_talking_one_afternoon/
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How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Let's ride bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/866tox/how_many_add_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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My friend from the South says down there, they don't call people "retards"...

...He said down there they say, "Well bless his heart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/866s05/my_friend_from_the_south_says_down_there_they/
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So my neighbours are fighting again...

Okay, he might be right with the fact that she’s a huge slut but he’s totally wrong about her being bad in bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/866rzz/so_my_neighbours_are_fighting_again/
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Some people tell me that a penis and a vagina are the same thing...

They're wrong! There's a vas deferens between them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/866pfw/some_people_tell_me_that_a_penis_and_a_vagina_are/
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A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/866oil/a_man_is_caught_fishing_illegally_for_lobsters/
%
I told my therapist that I've been having suicidal tendencies.

He made me start paying in advanced after that appointment...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/866ne5/i_told_my_therapist_that_ive_been_having_suicidal/
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A man walks into a bar...

and sits down next to a crusty old sailor, whose head is the size of an orange but otherwise looks and acts normal.  After quite a few beers, the man can't help himself and asks the sailor why his head is so small.  The sailor laughs good naturedly, and begins to tell his tale.
Decades ago he was shipwrecked on a deserted island for several months. One day he sees a mermaid stranded on the beach, so he carried the mermaid back to the ocean to revive her.
She is so thankful for being saved that she grants the sailor three wishes. With his first wish, he wishes he was rescued from the island. The mermaid tells him a ship will pick him up the next morning and take him home.
With his second wish, the sailor wishes that he had $50 million dollars. The mermaid tells him to buy a lottery ticket when he gets home, and he will hit the jackpot.
The sailor can hardly believe his good fortune, so with his last wish he tells the mermaid he has been stranded on the island for many months, and he would like to have sex with a beautiful woman like herself.
The mermaid blushes and tells the man that, while she is flattered, it would be anatomically impossible to have have sexual intercourse because she's a mermaid. The sailor then asks, how about a little head?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/866fh7/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did the Communist use to light his house before the Candle?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/866d8y/what_did_the_communist_use_to_light_his_house/
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My Dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him.

I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/866b6q/my_dads_dying_wish_was_to_have_his_family_around/
%
My boss invited me over for dinner

His wife asked me if I want any potatoes. I said "I'll just have the one". She said "it's OK you don't have to be polite". So I said "I'll just have the one, you fucking moron!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/866ab1/my_boss_invited_me_over_for_dinner/
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Do you know what happened to the fly on the toilet-seat?

He got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8669jx/do_you_know_what_happened_to_the_fly_on_the/
%
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back

and I replied, Yes, who did you think it was?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/866793/recently_my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_was_having/
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What’s the difference between a feminist and a spear?

The spear has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8665cl/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
I donated my phone and my watch today and you can't imagine the happiness I felt

as I saw him putting his gun back into his pocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8664ty/i_donated_my_phone_and_my_watch_today_and_you/
%
Did you hear about the thief that stole the calendar?

He got 12 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86634t/did_you_hear_about_the_thief_that_stole_the/
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(Russian joke). A rabbit runs like all hell is breaking loose

A wolf stops him and asks:
W:”what’s wrong, who are you running from?”
R:”the bear went nuts, he is killing all animals who have three balls”
W:”do you have three balls, rabbit?”
R:”no... but the bear first rips them out, and then counts them”
No animals were harmed in this joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865zmo/russian_joke_a_rabbit_runs_like_all_hell_is/
%
Yo momma’s teeth are so yellow

When she smiled at traffic, it slowed down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865ys6/yo_mommas_teeth_are_so_yellow/
%
Girls always tell me I'm ugly until they see the balance in my bank account

They then call me ugly and broke :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865xhl/girls_always_tell_me_im_ugly_until_they_see_the/
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If you're Christian and poor you can end grace by saying the name of the food you're about to eat.

Ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865v44/if_youre_christian_and_poor_you_can_end_grace_by/
%
Two blondes walk into a building,

You’d think one of them would have see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865v2a/two_blondes_walk_into_a_building/
%
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865px3/an_engineer_who_was_unemployed_for_a_long_time/
%
We'll we'll we'll...

If it isn't autocorrect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865oxw/well_well_well/
%
An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."
"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".
The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. "In your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor... a tap's been left on."
Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. "Could've been luck", says the landlord, "Go on, try again..."
The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. "In your cellar", he says, "I can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation."
"You're talking rubbish." says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again!
Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again.
He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. "Ah, in the storeroom down that corridor", he says, "someone's having at it in there right now".
The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what d'ya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there.
"Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible", says the landlord, "what else can you hear?"
The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while.
He lifts his head off the bar and says, "Yep, your beer pump is definitely out of action".
The landlord checks the pump... "Ha! You're wrong old man. It's working perfectly!"
"Well then, where's my fucking pint?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865npu/an_80_year_old_blind_man_walks_into_a_pub_and/
%
I said Canada was made up of ten provinces and two territories

But the Inuits were having Nunavut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865mz1/i_said_canada_was_made_up_of_ten_provinces_and/
%
A man's daughter killed a butterfly in the garden so the father said "No butter for a month."

Then later that day, the daughter killed a cockroach. Then the father said "Nice try."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865ku8/a_mans_daughter_killed_a_butterfly_in_the_garden/
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865kro/three_dead_bodies_turn_up_at_the_mortuary_all/
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Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards the presidential limo...

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865hj1/donald_is_walking_out_of_the_white_house_and/
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A bad smell follows the bastard

A woman came home from work one day, and her husband of fifteen years had a rather dramatic message for her: he wanted a divorce.
Understandably, she was quite devastated by the news, and to make matters worse he demanded she move out of their home before the end of the month. He offered her half of what the property was worth.
Thinking she had no other option, she accepted his offer, but on the condition that she could have one last party with her friends before she moved out. He agreed, but announced that he would be going away for the weekend. As long as she cleaned up the whole house before leaving, he was fine with her last request.
The following Saturday night she invited a few friends over for garlic roasted king prawns and white wine. As the last guest left, she tidied up and cleaned the house. The very last thing she did before leaving was to stuff the leftover prawns into all the curtain poles in every room.
After the weekend, her ex came back bringing his new girlfriend to live with him. They soon started to notice an unpleasant stench, mild at first, then more and more pungent as the days passed. His new girlfriend was not happy and demanded he solve the problem, or else she'd leave. He desperately searched for the source, thinking it might be a dead rat or something, but he couldn't pinpoint it. The strange smell of rotting seafood seemed to come from everywhere. He cleaned every inch of the house except the curtain poles. Unable to rid the house of the nasty stench he finally gave up and advertised the house for sale. Of course nobody wanted to buy it.
A rumour spread in the neighbourhood about the "stink house". After some time he finally received an offer, way below the property value. It turned out his ex-wife had missed her old home and wanted to repurchase it. She even offered to help him move out. "If she's that stupid, I might as well sell it to her", he thought. As she carried out the curtain poles to his moving van, the last thing she said to him was "I really hope you'll be happy in your new apartment".
[edited to format]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865gvu/a_bad_smell_follows_the_bastard/
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An Asian nurse goes in to see Mr Jones

A few minutes later she comes out angry, refusing to see such a racist patient. The doctor goes in and asks Mr. Jones what he said to upset the nurse.
"I have no idea doc. She asked me if anything was bothering me, and I said yeah, urination"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865gs7/an_asian_nurse_goes_in_to_see_mr_jones/
%
What do English teachers and my girlfriend have in common?

They both yell at me for misusing the colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/865b74/what_do_english_teachers_and_my_girlfriend_have/
%
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt

three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/864x02/when_i_was_a_boy_i_had_a_disease_that_required_me/
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I met a guy the other day and the first thing he does is ejaculate on my shoe

Looks like he got off on the wrong foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/864s6x/i_met_a_guy_the_other_day_and_the_first_thing_he/
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I became addicted to soap about 3 years back

don't worry, I'm clean now..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/864qel/i_became_addicted_to_soap_about_3_years_back/
%
Did you hear about the queue at the boxing machine?

That was the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/864nqc/did_you_hear_about_the_queue_at_the_boxing_machine/
%
A kid is taking a test

and the teacher notices him whispering to his paper. Curious, she goes over to the kid and asks “Why are you whispering to your paper?”
The kid replies “I’m whispering no homo to the test so it’s not gay when it fucks me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/864krz/a_kid_is_taking_a_test/
%
What's the second last letter of the alphabet?

"Y"
"Because I want to know!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/864hys/whats_the_second_last_letter_of_the_alphabet/
%
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Trick question, it's always Op's Mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/864h08/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
How do you turn a duck in to a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers
Thank you for your time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/864f2z/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_in_to_a_soul_singer/
%
New study shows procrastination is as harmful to mental health as alcohol abuse

To combat this, I've decided to form Procrastinators anonymous, please consider joining it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/864dfe/new_study_shows_procrastination_is_as_harmful_to/
%
What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help you deliver your baby?

A mid-wife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8647e9/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_birthing_coach_wont/
%
The Old Rich Man, the Young Man and the Apples

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
"After that," the old rich man continued, "I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/864706/the_old_rich_man_the_young_man_and_the_apples/
%
I put the sexy in dyslexic

Oh wait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8646dv/i_put_the_sexy_in_dyslexic/
%
What does gay mean?

A little boy asked his father.
The father quickly replied, “It means to be happy, son.”
“Are you gay, then, Dad?” asked the boy.
“No, son, not since I married your mother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/864529/what_does_gay_mean/
%
Male vs Female

FEMALE: I require three items from a retail outlet.
MALE: I have accepted this information.
FEMALE: The offered information was meant to convey a desire for you to accompany me.
MALE: My company is then offered.
Later...
MALE: We have arrived at the retail outlet. The three items you need can be easily located.
FEMALE: It is my preference to compare available brands.
MALE: Warning. Warning.
FEMALE: I have become distracted by a different product.
MALE: Computational mismatch. Warning.
FEMALE: My interest has been captured by an unrelated piece of merchandise.
MALE: Core memory dump imminent.
FEMALE: Your input is requested on these items.
MALE: Entry not found.
FEMALE: Your lack of interest has invoked my ire.
MALE: Apology subroutine engaged. Interest is being feigned.
FEMALE: I have taken your interest as encouragement to continue.
MALE: Critical error. Reverting to backup. Were we not here in search of three items?
FEMALE: Other options may be superior.
MALE: Processing...
FEMALE: Your input is requested on these items.
MALE: My input is offered.
FEMALE: Incorrect response. More research is now necessary.
MALE: System error.
Later...
FEMALE: Our excursion was successful.
MALE: We have returned with twenty-seven items, none of which are the three that were previously listed.
FEMALE: You are correct. Another venture is required.
MALE: System error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/863wio/male_vs_female/
%
Give a Nigerian a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he becomes a prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/863suu/give_a_nigerian_a_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
%
Two scientists walk into a bar

"I'll have an H2O."
"I'll have an H2O too."
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/863sob/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
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The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/863ril/the_misuse_of_users_facebook_data_has_caused_mark/
%
Who are the bookkeepers of the insect world?

Account ants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/863ous/who_are_the_bookkeepers_of_the_insect_world/
%
How many Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Find out next time ... On Dragon Ball Z!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/863o9b/how_many_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I gave all my dead batteries away today.....

Free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/863lmf/i_gave_all_my_dead_batteries_away_today/
%
Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.

Now it's considered kid stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/863gf3/back_in_the_civil_war_gunshot_wounds_used_to_be/
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Some big shots get together for a gentleman's night during Easter holidays.

Three CEO's of some big companies get together to smoke cigars and drink expensive whiskey.
They gathered at a chalet and brought a waiter with them to serve the drinks.
"Finally some alone time" says the first CEO. Sent my wife to an all inclusive spa in Austin. It cost me $10k but it's worth it.
"That's nothing" says the second. My wife is now in an exclusive hotel in the Bahamas. It cost me $20k.
"You call $20k expensive?" intervenes the third CEO. I sent my wife in the most exclusive resort in the world in the Philippines. I'm $40k lighter right now. But who cares.
"Guys what about the waiter, where do you think he sent his wife?" says the first CEO and the three of them start laughing.
"Let's ask him says the second."
"Hey waiter where did you send your wife these holidays?"
"Ah man" said the waiter
"I can't afford to send her anywhere, I have  to fuck her myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/863bub/some_big_shots_get_together_for_a_gentlemans/
%
What if Thor become Gold Thor?

He will become an Author.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8639yq/what_if_thor_become_gold_thor/
%
I bought shoes from a drug dealer today...

I dont know what he laced them with but i have been tripping like crazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8638ye/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_today/
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Sherlock and Watson go camping

One night, Sherlock and Watson go camping. They do the usual things like build a campfire, drink, and roast marshmallows before they call it a night and go to sleep. Later that night, Sherlock wakes up and nudges Watson awake. He turns to Watson and asks if he sees the stars. Watson says yes and Sherlock asks him what he thinks that means. Watson says the usual things like how there's millions of stars out there and the clear sky means good weather for tomorrow. Sherlock looks at him and says "I think it means some bastard stole our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8632r1/sherlock_and_watson_go_camping/
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I am the Smartest President Ever

So an airplane is going to crash. There were 4 passengers on board - but only 3 parachutes!
The 1st passenger said, 'I’m Jeff Bezos! Amazon needs me to deliver useless stuff to the world! I can’t die! .' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, ' Sad! I bet this plane was made in Mexico! I am the smartest President in American history, I tell you. In fact, when it comes to parachuting, I’m so great. Let me tell you something - when I parachute out, people will be saying for years they have never seen something so good as me at parachuting. He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I have lived a long and happy life. I’ll be with God soon. You take the parachute.’
The schoolboy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8630es/i_am_the_smartest_president_ever/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/862yd5/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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{NSFW} CEO from a well-known company walked into his office one morning,

not knowing that his zipper was down. His beautiful secretary walked up to him and asked,
"Boss, this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"
This was not a phrase that her Boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped it up and remembered what his secretary had asked him; finally understood.
Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.
When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?"
The secretary smiled for a moment and said,
"No, Boss, I didn't. All I saw was Mini with two flat tyres”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/862xnd/nsfw_ceo_from_a_wellknown_company_walked_into_his/
%
In a world with no weapons, the one armed man . . .

Could still have a better punchline than this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/862xjo/in_a_world_with_no_weapons_the_one_armed_man/
%
Me: I'll have a beer

Waiter: It's 10AM
Me: I'll have a beer and eggs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/862v65/me_ill_have_a_beer/
%
What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there's a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/862v48/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an_insomniac_an/
%
Keanu Reeves threw a grenade and killed 50 people

Then it exploded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/862sfz/keanu_reeves_threw_a_grenade_and_killed_50_people/
%
My favorite joke

Lawyer: "So it says here that you want to divorce Minnie, because she's... extremely silly?"
Mickey: "No, she's fucking goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/862s48/my_favorite_joke/
%
I saw the bartender pull a beer from a lever in the shape of a helix.

I asked him what beer that was and he said, "This is Spiral Tap."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/862qrm/i_saw_the_bartender_pull_a_beer_from_a_lever_in/
%
Life gave me lemons

So I fuckd em and gave em lemon-aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/862oqz/life_gave_me_lemons/
%
What do you call it when a guy gives his mother a golden shower?

An Oedipiss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/862hbw/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_guy_gives_his_mother_a/
%
Man says to wife, What would you do if I won the lottery?

Wife replies, Take half and leave your sorry ass. Husband replies, Good, I won 12 dollars, here's 6 now get the hell out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/862c42/man_says_to_wife_what_would_you_do_if_i_won_the/
%
I stayed up all night...

....wondering where the sun went when it set.
It finally dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/862a2z/i_stayed_up_all_night/
%
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8629wb/how_did_pinocchio_find_out_he_was_made_of_wood/
%
I got arrested for having sex with a 100 year old woman...

Stupid binary...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8628yf/i_got_arrested_for_having_sex_with_a_100_year_old/
%
I bought a wooden whistle

but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle,
but it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle,
but it steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a copper whistle,
but the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle,
now I can whistle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/862478/i_bought_a_wooden_whistle/
%
A cab driver picks up a Nun in New York...

There is this taxi driver in New York City nearing the end of his shift, but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night, so he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps looking at the nun through the rear view mirror of his cab.
Now, the nun is getting very upset by this and says, "Um...can I help you??!!"
The taxi driver looks very embarrassed and says, "I'm sorry, it's very embarrassing, I cannot say."
And the nun looks at him and says, "Now, my son, I have been in this business far too long to be disturbed by anything you have to say, so go ahead."
The driver thinks for a minute and says, "Ok, well, for as long as I can remember, I have had the biggest fantasy about kissing a nun."
She looks amused at first then replies, "Well, I think I can help you with that, but first you must promise me two things, the first is that you are a Catholic, the second is that you are single. If you can promise this, I shall give you what you ask for."
And the driver says, "Great!! Sure I'm a single Catholic!!"
So they pull into an alley and the nun crawls into the front seat of the cab and gives the driver an amazing kiss. The type of kiss where time feels like it stops almost. And they finish up and get back on the road.
Soon the taxi driver starts looking nervous and peering at the nun in the rear view mirror again. Just staring at her, and when the nun asks him why he is staring and he says, "Well, I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you. You see, I'm not a catholic, and I'm also married."
The nun smiles and says, "Well, I haven't been honest with you either...My name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8622xv/a_cab_driver_picks_up_a_nun_in_new_york/
%
My mum’s found out my Reddit password and is censoring all my posts...

That bitch **in' lady** can kiss my big fat **meat** ball s **andwich** and **doesn't need to** die **t**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861yf3/my_mums_found_out_my_reddit_password_and_is/
%
Bird of Paradise

His hair’s all green, he’s got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out:
“Hey man, didn’t you do anything crazy when you were young?”
Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
“Yeah, when I was in the Navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a Bird of Paradise. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861xyz/bird_of_paradise/
%
Job Interview

I went in for an interview and was asked "Do you have any special skills?"
I said "I perform under pressure well"
He replied "Can you give me an example?"
I started "Mm ba ba de, Um bum ba de, Um bu bu bum da de."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861wlx/job_interview/
%
A Muslim, Buddhist and Christian stands on a rooftop.

They all have great faith towards their respective God and agreed they jump from the rooftop of a 20-storey building and that they will be saved.
So the muslim, very firm in his belief, jumped first and started calling to Allah.
He chanted "AllahAllahAllahAllahAllah....." repeatedly with great faith. As he falls halfway through the building his chant became cry and he loudly screamed "AllahAllahAllahAllah..." until he reaches the ground and died.
(Meanwhile in muslim's heaven, Allah realized that the man was calling him and mistaken it for "Lalalala..." and he couldve saved him.)
Next, the Buddhist although pretty shaken at the fate of his acquiantance, stood firm and jumped with great faith.
As he falls he started calling to Buddha, chanting the name "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha...." with confidence and peace of mind.
(Buddha witnessed the unyielding faith of this man and decided to heed his call)
The man fell closer and closer to the ground but his spirit doesnt falter the slightest. At the point where he was close to the ground, he miraculously slowed down as he past 2nd floor until he stopped and slowly, he floated to the sky.
He then descended slowly back at the rooftop and cried because this miracle that happened to him.
Now it was the Christian's turn. He was greatly inspired by the miracle he just witnessed. And alas!, he took the leap of faith off the building and called loudly, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..."
(Jesus heard the man's plead and decided to save him just at the last second before he hits the ground to test his faith)
As the man falls halfway through, he pleads louder, "Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!..."
He was almost near, and louder he exclaimed "Jesus!! Je-.. He stopped for a moment and took his deepest breath to call.
Buddha!! Buddha!! Buddha!! Bu-....."
The man died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861tfs/a_muslim_buddhist_and_christian_stands_on_a/
%
Name Change

A guy goes to the municipal authorities asking to change his name.
- You, Sir, need to have a serious reason to change your name, what's yours?
- Well, my name is John Shitson.
- Oh, I see, it's a valid reason. So, what do you want to change your name to?
- Peter Shitson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861mzg/name_change/
%
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can’t run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861ms7/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
What's Irish and comes out in summer?

Paddy O'Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861m2k/whats_irish_and_comes_out_in_summer/
%
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

The etymologist knows the difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861lug/whats_the_difference_between_an_etymologist_and/
%
I just read Oedipus The King and man, let me tell you

That guy was royally screwed !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861ksr/i_just_read_oedipus_the_king_and_man_let_me_tell/
%
Little Johnny returbed from kindergarten when he saw Grandpa eating cookies

He approached pops nicely and asked if he could have some cookies.
"Does your dick reach yer arse?" Replied grandpa
Confused, Little Johnny said no. Pops then replied:
"Well when your dick can reach yer arse I'll give ye a cookie"
Devestated, Little Johnny went to his room to forget about it and play on his computer.
2 weeks later, Little Johnny was eating a batch of cookies, and grandpa was eyeing them intensively.
"Uhh, hey Johnny, hey pal. Can I get a cookie?"
Little Johnny asked innocently, "can your peepee reach your pooper?"
With a devilish grin on his face, pops replied "yes it can in fact", his smirk growing.
Little Johnny frowned and said "oh... Well you can go fuck yourself grandma made these for me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861kgb/little_johnny_returbed_from_kindergarten_when_he/
%
What do you call a guy who has broken all his arms and legs?

An Ambulance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861kc4/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_has_broken_all_his/
%
A bunch of chess players are in a hotel lobby discussing their recent victories.

The manager comes up to them and says, “Sorry gentlemen, I’m going to have to ask you all to leave immediately!”
“Leave? Why?” They asked.
The manager responded “If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861j28/a_bunch_of_chess_players_are_in_a_hotel_lobby/
%
I’ve always wondered what my parents did to ease boredom before the internet was invented

My 19 brothers and sisters don’t seem to know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861i13/ive_always_wondered_what_my_parents_did_to_ease/
%
What’s made of glass and hurts if it gets in your eye?

Glass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861f26/whats_made_of_glass_and_hurts_if_it_gets_in_your/
%
A rabbit walks into a bar.

Hops up to the bartender and asks, "Got any carrots?" The bartender answered, "No! This is a bar. We don’t sell carrots." The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The bartender retorted, "No! We sell drinks! We don’t sell carrots." Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The bartender  shouted, "NO! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll nail your ears to the floor!"
The very next day, the rabbit came back and asked, "Got any nails?"
The bartender answered, "No!! This. Is. A. Bar!"
The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861epo/a_rabbit_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My wife and I went to the state fair...

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said: "He mated fifty time last year."
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife gave me a healthy jab, grinned and said: "WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn something from that one!"
On the door to the third pen was a sign that said:
"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife was so exited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said: "That's once a day!!!! You could REALLY learn a lot from this one!"
I looked at her and said: "Go over and ask any of them if it was with the same old cow."
My condition was upgraded from critical to stable and I should be leaving the hospital in about a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861eka/my_wife_and_i_went_to_the_state_fair/
%
I will never forget my grandfather’s last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you c*nt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/861e6m/i_will_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
%
A man in a trench coat exposed himself to three elderly ladies sitting on a park bench.

The first lady had a stroke.
The second lady also had a stroke.
The third lady tried, but she was too frail and cannot reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8616vm/a_man_in_a_trench_coat_exposed_himself_to_three/
%
Spring is like a deadbeat dad

It keeps promising it'll be there, but never shows up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8616u3/spring_is_like_a_deadbeat_dad/
%
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8613tw/my_wife_asked_me_to_buy_organic_vegetables_from/
%
Have you heard about the new condo complex for lesbians?

It's all tongue in groove construction. Not a stud in the whole place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8611io/have_you_heard_about_the_new_condo_complex_for/
%
What do you call an alternative medicine that actually works?

Medicine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86108f/what_do_you_call_an_alternative_medicine_that/
%
Did you hear the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I️ shouldn’t spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/860yor/did_you_hear_the_rumor_going_around_about_butter/
%
Russia's president wasn't elected....

He was Putin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/860wfq/russias_president_wasnt_elected/
%
How did Jesus get those sweet biblical abs?

Cross fit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/860lkj/how_did_jesus_get_those_sweet_biblical_abs/
%
A little girl was playing in the garden

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" "That’s a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.
The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/860bt3/a_little_girl_was_playing_in_the_garden/
%
Doctor, how long do I have left?

Doctor: 5
Man: 5 what? What do you mean?
Doctor: 4, 3, 2...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/860ano/doctor_how_long_do_i_have_left/
%
I went to a Slovakian restaurant.

And after all these years, they still gave me a Czech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/860ai3/i_went_to_a_slovakian_restaurant/
%
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is how politics works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/860a6k/i_told_my_son_you_will_marry_the_girl_i_choose/
%
I've been using medicinal marijuana

To treat my constipation. My doctor told me to shit or get off the pot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8608qy/ive_been_using_medicinal_marijuana/
%
Not all math puns are terrible

Just sum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8608ix/not_all_math_puns_are_terrible/
%
I once mistook somebody's drink for mine.

It was definitely not my cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86045v/i_once_mistook_somebodys_drink_for_mine/
%
Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85zymd/two_scientists_walk_into_a_restaurant_the_first/
%
What do you call bovine scat porn?

Udder bullshit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85zx0g/what_do_you_call_bovine_scat_porn/
%
I read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85zryf/i_read_a_joke_about_oedipus_and_midas/
%
Dr Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.  The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he would hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, dont worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you wont be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."
But, invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering.....
"Dave.....
... you're a vet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85zmo0/dr_dave/
%
"It is impossible.", said pride. "It is risky.", said experience. "It is pointless.", said reason. "Give it a try.", whispered the heart.

"**WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?**", screamed the anus two minutes later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85zh4k/it_is_impossible_said_pride_it_is_risky_said/
%
What do human reflexes and Nate's dinner have in common?

They're both innate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85zge0/what_do_human_reflexes_and_nates_dinner_have_in/
%
I used to be addicted to prunes.

I just couldn’t go without em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85zfa6/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_prunes/
%
Putin's top official comes to him after the election...

"You won with 99% of the vote! Only 1% if Russia voted against you! What more could you want?" The officer said overjoyed.
Putin stared at him. "Their names."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85zea4/putins_top_official_comes_to_him_after_the/
%
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger

Then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85zda3/i_wondered_why_the_baseball_was_getting_bigger/
%
Did you hear the one about the man with five dicks?

His pants fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85zbwv/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_man_with_five_dicks/
%
Flip-flops are okay

But shoes help out in the long run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85zbjf/flipflops_are_okay/
%
Why can’t the blonde call 911?

She couldn’t find the eleven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85zb10/why_cant_the_blonde_call_911/
%
Bird Jokes

Just some random bird-brain jokes...
What do you call a bird that picks its nose?  A flicker
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A wader
What bird can do more that others? Pelican
What two birds met in the insane asylum? A cuckoo and a loon
What bird lives in Hollywood? A starling
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker
What bird works in construction? A crane
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper
What bird just got arrested? A Robin
What bird is always being harassed? A black bird
What bird goes to church? A cardinal
What is a man's favorite bird? A swallow
What bird does drugs? A junco
What bird wears a toupe? A Heron
What bird is in a band? A rock dove
What bird can't walk straight? A warbler
What bird parties the most? A Raven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85z9uk/bird_jokes/
%
What do you call it when an Italian date that doesn’t end in sex?

Spaghetti and blue balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85z9o6/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_italian_date_that/
%
Jim made millions making and selling microbrew beer, and retires very rich on a farm away from the city...

...he happily lives alone for about 8 months when his closest neighbor, Mr. Johannsen, knocks on his door one evening in November.
"HELLO JIM, WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT A HOLIDAY PARTY I'M HAVING"
"Hey great, Mr. Johannsen, it's about time I get out and meet some people."
"WELL, I GOTTA WARN YA, THERE'LL BE SOME DRINKIN..."
"Heh, that's fine; I know my way around drunks at a party."
"THERE MIGHT BE SOME FIGHTIN, TOO"
"That's cool, i can handle myself, and I'm not looking for trouble"
"THERE MAY BE SOME SEXUAL CAROUSING, TOO."
"Sounds like fun, I've been alone here for awhile. Is it formal, what should I wear? "
"OH IT DON'T MATTER IT'LL JUST BE YOU AND ME"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85z8pf/jim_made_millions_making_and_selling_microbrew/
%
Did you hear about the deer that went into a gay bar?

...he blew 50 bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85z7hv/did_you_hear_about_the_deer_that_went_into_a_gay/
%
What’s the difference between a brown- noser and a shithead?

Depth perception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85z7ar/whats_the_difference_between_a_brown_noser_and_a/
%
Trump called Putin to congratulate him on winning the election.

Putin said, 'Thanks, but why have you waited for over a year?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85z5tj/trump_called_putin_to_congratulate_him_on_winning/
%
Completely Original Joke About Numbers That I'm Sure Has Never Occurred To Anyone

While I've always been able to count on the cardinal numbers, I find that some of the integers can be negative, but at least they're still rational. But as long as a number can be real with me, I don't care how dense they might be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85z4y8/completely_original_joke_about_numbers_that_im/
%
An Irishman walks out of a bar

Hey, it could happen...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85z3mg/an_irishman_walks_out_of_a_bar/
%
What do you call a man who illegally downloaded a documentary about circles?

A *πrate*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85z0m3/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_illegally_downloaded_a/
%
Friends are like trampolines.

I always wanted a trampoline...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85yplr/friends_are_like_trampolines/
%
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish baby boy." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father takes a slow swig from his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ynql/an_irishman_was_drinking_in_a_bar_in_london_when/
%
If you are afraid of paedophiles...

...then grow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85yko8/if_you_are_afraid_of_paedophiles/
%
Why Moses was the one who received the ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shalt not kill.'
'Not kill?  We're not interested..'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shalt not
steal.'
'Not steal?     We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said,  'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!!  Not commit adultery?  We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
There. That should  upset just about everybody.... :)
Edit - by popular demand changed a few shalls to shalts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85yjtp/why_moses_was_the_one_who_received_the_ten/
%
Did you hear about the giant who had diarrhea?

It was all over town

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85yh88/did_you_hear_about_the_giant_who_had_diarrhea/
%
If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85yh5e/if_you_find_400_pounds_on_the_street_in_england/
%
What's big and grey and can't swim?

A parking lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85yh4s/whats_big_and_grey_and_cant_swim/
%
The Stuck Peanut

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear and no matter
how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re
about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the
boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it
out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him to
blow as hard as he can. The man does this and the peanut
pops out.
Sometime later the parents are talking and mum
comments, "Our Mary's got a clever boyfriend there. I
wonder what will become of him.”
“I’ll tell you one thing, by the smell of his fingers, he’ll be
our son-in-law,” came the reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85yg70/the_stuck_peanut/
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A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
“Have you ever served in the military?”
“Yes.” he says. “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you five extra points towards employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.”
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You are a disabled veteran; you’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now.”
“Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM, plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.”
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 AM?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85y8rh/a_guy_goes_to_the_post_office_to_apply_for_a_job/
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Never be ashamed of your fetish.

Unless your fetish is humiliation. Then you *should* be ashamed, you dirty little pervert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85y562/never_be_ashamed_of_your_fetish/
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How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!
Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not physically possible.
Person 1: Wrong, you open the refrigerator door, put the elephant inside, and close the door!
Person 1: How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Person 2: Open the refrigerator door, put the giraffe inside, and close the door.
Person 1: Wrong, you open the refrigerator door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door!
Person 1: The whole jungle was invited to the lion’s party, but someone didn’t show up. Who is it?
Person 2: I don’t know.
Person 1: The giraffe, because he was inside the refrigerator!
Person 1: An old granny wants to cross a crocodile-infested river. But somehow, she crossed the river safely. How?
Person 2: I’m not too sure about that.
Person 1: She could cross it safely because there were no crocodiles!
Person 2: But you said the river was crocodile-infested.
Person 1: Yeah, that’s true, but you didn’t think about the fact that the crocodiles went to the lion’s party!
Person 1: Even though the granny was safe swimming across the river, she died. How?
Person 2: The crocodiles ate her?
Person 1: Nope, the brick hit her head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85y4oc/how_do_you_put_an_elephant_into_a_refrigerator/
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Blind guy in bar

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85y31b/blind_guy_in_bar/
%
TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85y0ok/til_the_american_flag_on_the_moon_has_turned_into/
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When Canada stopped using pennies, my dad lost his job.

Now he just doesn’t make cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85xwm1/when_canada_stopped_using_pennies_my_dad_lost_his/
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A chicken walks into a library and says to the librarian "Book, Book, Book."

The librarian hands the chicken three books.
On the way out, the chicken runs into a frog.
The chicken shows the books to the frog:
"Book, Book, Book."
The frog replies
"Reddit, Reddit, Reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85xsxc/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library_and_says_to_the/
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I'm not completely useless...

I can be used as a bad example.
Disclaimer: I heard this somewhere before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85xr1l/im_not_completely_useless/
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Three men were passengers on an airplane

The first one opens the door as the plane is flying high over the ground and jumps out with his parachute, but not before throwing a knife out the door first. He screams on his way down “I’m doing this for my country!”
The second man, not to be outdone by the first, throws a loaded pistol out of the door and jumps out while yelling, “I’m doing this for my country!”
The third man takes a hand grenade and throws it from the door, jumps out, and exclaims, “I’m doing this for my country!”
The first man lands and finds a small girl crying. Curious, he goes up to her and asks, what’s wrong little girl? The girl replies, “A knife fell from the sky and cut my dolls head off.”
The second man lands and finds a small boy crying over a body. He goes up to the boy and asks, “Why are you crying little boy?” The child sobs, “A gun fell from the sky and hit my friend on the head!”
The third man lands and finds a little boy laughing so hard he’s having a hard time breathing. The man asks him, “Are, are you ok?”
The boy, between breaths proclaims, “I farted and my neighbor’s house blew up!”
(Pretty sure I learned this joke in the third grade.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85xp3c/three_men_were_passengers_on_an_airplane/
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Hamlet has to pee [Hamleak]

Quick little blurb I wrote in class:
“To pee, or not to pee, that is the question.
Whether ‘tis nobler in the bladder to suffer the slings and arrows of painful retention.
Or to take arm against a see of urine and by opposing relive it.
To go-to pee,
No more; and by a leak we say to end the headache and the thousand visceral shocks that urine is heir to: ‘tis a consummation devoutly to be piss’d. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85xp0s/hamlet_has_to_pee_hamleak/
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Dark jokes are a lot like un vaccinated children

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85xoii/dark_jokes_are_a_lot_like_un_vaccinated_children/
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An Amateur challenged a professional wrestler to a match.

As soon as the match started it was obvious that the professional was just toying with the amateur, it wasn’t even a challenge for him. Eventually he decided it was time to end the match, so he tied the amateur in an incredible knot. Hope was almost lost for the amateur, then he saw an opportunity, there was a ripped suit above him revealing a pair of testicles, with no other hope left, he bit down on the testicles as hard as he good. In the blink of an eye the match was over and the amateur had won! Quickly after the end of the match, the amateurs coach approached him and asked in a completely amazed voice “How on earth did you pull that off! He had you in a hold that would have taken down the best wrestler in the world!” The amateur simply replied “Well coach, you can do amazing things when you bite your own balls!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85xliu/an_amateur_challenged_a_professional_wrestler_to/
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I tried using a thesaurus to find synonyms for useless.

The result was futile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85xjq0/i_tried_using_a_thesaurus_to_find_synonyms_for/
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Ha - mildly amusing

Haha - laughing
Hahaha - saracstic laughing
Hahahaha - Staying Alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85xiwp/ha_mildly_amusing/
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A group of blondes go to the government

One day, a group of blondes go to the government. Outraged at  being stereotyped as dumb, they demand that this label be made illegal immediately. After some thinking, the government grants the blondes a court date to give them the chance to prove their intelligence to the people.
Having found the smartest blonde they could, the group made its way to court, ready to bring justice for blondes once and for all.
The designated blonde takes her seat at the witness stand, and so the judge asks her, "What's 2 times 2?"
"Five", she replies. At once the group of blondes begin chanting "Give her a chance, give her a chance".
The judge decides to give the blonde a second shot, thinking she might have just been nervous.
And so he asks once more, "What's 2 times 2?"
"Seven", she answers, and at once the group of blondes chant "Give her a chance, give her a chance".
Getting annoyed, the judge grants her a third and final chance, and for the last time asks, "What's 2 times 2?"
"Four", she says, and at once the group of blondes begin to chant "Give her a chance, give her a chance".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85xgf0/a_group_of_blondes_go_to_the_government/
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A new monk arrived at the monastery.

He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85xaud/a_new_monk_arrived_at_the_monastery/
%
Farmer - the other day I saw a baby cow jump over the fence

Me - you know, it’s all in the calves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85x42p/farmer_the_other_day_i_saw_a_baby_cow_jump_over/
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Three blondes were hiking in the woods when they came upon some tracks...

The first blonde said "We'd better be careful, I think these are bear tracks!"
The second blonde says "No, I'm almost certain these are mountain lion tracks!"
The third blonde says "Your both wrong, these are wolf tracks!"
They were still arguing 20 minutes later when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85wyf2/three_blondes_were_hiking_in_the_woods_when_they/
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Girl, are you a maple tree?

Cause I’d tap that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85wxap/girl_are_you_a_maple_tree/
%
Pope is on an airplane

So this guy boards an airplane and finds himself sitting next too the Pope. Trying to not make a big deal out of it the guy takes his seat and minds his own business.
About 20 minutes into the flight the Pope takes out a crossword puzzle and begins working on it. As the flight progressed the guy noticed the Pope getting red in the face and frustrated so he asks the holy father, “You’re excellence is something wrong”?
The Pope replied “my son I need a word that is another representation of a woman, the last 3 letters are u,n,& t.
Well the guy is embarrassed at the question and thinks really hard about for a minute. After pondering it he realizes the word  is AUNT.
“ Holy Father the word is AUNT” the man says relieved that the awkwardness is over.
The Pope looks at him and says. “Awww shit........do you have an eraser?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85wwub/pope_is_on_an_airplane/
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Doctor: What’s your zodiac sign?

Patient: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85wufv/doctor_whats_your_zodiac_sign/
%
So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85wscs/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_pint_of/
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Two antennas met on a roof

They fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85wrio/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof/
%
A skeleton walks into a bar...

He orders a Drink and a Mop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85wo75/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why can't you own just one Stephen King novel?

Because 'Misery' loves company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85wj4r/why_cant_you_own_just_one_stephen_king_novel/
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what's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir,
this is the federal prosecutor's office, informing you that you've been convicted and charged on seven counts of piracy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85wj4g/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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I got angry when my waitress served me eggs with no bread

I'm very lacktoast intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85wimh/i_got_angry_when_my_waitress_served_me_eggs_with/
%
My Russian dad told me to eat the breakfast of champions.....

......so I took a bunch of Steroids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85wg2t/my_russian_dad_told_me_to_eat_the_breakfast_of/
%
A man is pulled over by a rookie cop...

When the cop approaches the window, the man produces his papers then says “I’m sure you’re going to ask about the body in the trunk since you obviously smell the weed.” The cop nearly fell back, but before he could utter a word, the man said “just be careful, the knife is under my seat.”  The rookie, unable to sort out what’s happening is again informed by the man that the body in the trunk is the ownwer of the two machine guns and cash, and that it’s was all over a deal with cartel. Now ghost white, the rookie walks to the back of the car and radios his sergeant, who tells him to stay put. A full array of cops arrive, sirens blaring, who immediately set up a barricade around the man. A SWAT team member uses a bull horn to instruct the man to slowly exit the vehicle, then lie face down. Cops rush the man and swiftly get him into cuffs without much effort. The man, looking bewildered simply asks what the hell is going on and is all this necessary. Investigators start ripping the car apart. The trunk, glovebox, under the seats...all clean.  Investigators, scratching their heads approach the man and ask about the body, the man just looked confused. They asked about the machine guns, he still appeared confused. They asked about the drugs, again...confused. They asked how he was involved with the cartel, the man tossed his head back and laughed manically, what are you even talking about, lemme guess that cop said I was probably speeding too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85we56/a_man_is_pulled_over_by_a_rookie_cop/
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All men on earth die at the same time...

At the gates of heaven there are two lines, one for men who were subservient to their wives, and another for those who wore the pants in the relationship.
Every man besides one stood in the subservient line.  Saint Peter looked sadly upon the long line of subservient men and then looked to the one man who stood in the other line.  Peter smiled and asked, “how is it that you are the only man who managed to stand up to his wife?”
The man shrugged and said, “uh...I dunno, my wife just told me to stand here.”
(Not my original material but always loved this)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85wct8/all_men_on_earth_die_at_the_same_time/
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The Deep Sea Marine company was sued by a disgruntled customer.

The Deep Sea Marine claimed to be the best at making flawless, impenetrable submarines. Of their five years of service, they were sued only once for a faulty submarine.
"I demand a refund, and more! I almost died!" shouted the customer.
The company was confused entirely, until the lawyer showed an image of the submarine. The top had rusted, and the inside appeared to have been dirtied with water.
"How could this have happened?" asked Oscar "O.C" Crawford, the CEO. "No submarine leaves our factory imperfect! I make sure of that myself!" It was true. Crawford had checked every single vehicle inside and out before leaving.
The lawyer simply replied "Does this look like a perfect submarine? Obviously, the top hadn't been completely checked. Has anyone here noticed if Mr. Crawford checked this submarine?"
The courtroom fell silent. No one has seen OC in this sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85wcjk/the_deep_sea_marine_company_was_sued_by_a/
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I hate German sauseges

They're the *wurst*
Now excuse me while I kill myself now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85wamd/i_hate_german_sauseges/
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What do you call it when you get your Mars rover stuck in a crater?

A fourth world problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85w59k/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_your_mars_rover/
%
A man tried to sell me a coffin today

I told him that's the last thing i need

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85vykl/a_man_tried_to_sell_me_a_coffin_today/
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In a capitalistic society, Man exploits Man, but in a communistic society...

It's the other way around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85vwwx/in_a_capitalistic_society_man_exploits_man_but_in/
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What Do You Call a Black Man on the Moon?

# AN ASTRONAUT, YOU FUCKING RACIST.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85vt0b/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_on_the_moon/
%
A mathematician and an engineer...

A mathematician and an engineer are placed in a room with a beautiful woman, with big breasts. They are told that they are allowed to walk towards her, but may only cross half the room at a time. First half, then half of that half, and so on.
The mathematician is shaking his head.
"We'll never get to her!"
He looks over to the engineer who is nodding with a big grin on his face.
"We'll get close enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85vppa/a_mathematician_and_an_engineer/
%
I asked my GF, "Why do abortion jokes made you laugh so much?"

She said, "because they bring out the kid in me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85vokt/i_asked_my_gf_why_do_abortion_jokes_made_you/
%
Mark Zuckerberg refuses formal appearance before Parliament

Couldn't find a tux with a hoodie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85vnij/mark_zuckerberg_refuses_formal_appearance_before/
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[OC] A bull walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says, "We don't serve cows here."
The bull replies, "Well, it's a good job I didn't order a fucking burger, then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85vm5a/oc_a_bull_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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A friend just got a brand new grand piano

I complimented him on it by saying it plays like a baby.  He asked what did I mean by that?  I said it's smooth, beautiful, and it makes an unbelievable racket if you kick it down a flight of stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85vh5a/a_friend_just_got_a_brand_new_grand_piano/
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BMW raided over emissions scandal /r/news

Investigators discovered huge stockpile of uninstalled turn signal controllers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85vemp/bmw_raided_over_emissions_scandal_rnews/
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Just been reading some reviews of the solar system

Can't believe it only got 1 star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85vbug/just_been_reading_some_reviews_of_the_solar_system/
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Have you heard about the slutty math major?

You haven't? That's okay, it's the thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85vaf3/have_you_heard_about_the_slutty_math_major/
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What did our parents do when they were bored with no internet?

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85v6zz/what_did_our_parents_do_when_they_were_bored_with/
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I wanna name my puppy 'insane'...

...so when people ask 'are you fucking insane?' I can say 'no I'm fucking my sister'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85v6fz/i_wanna_name_my_puppy_insane/
%
Why can't organelles get girlfriends?

They're incels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85v4dk/why_cant_organelles_get_girlfriends/
%
If I get more money, I'll start eating less ramen.

And if I get less money, I'll also start eating less ramen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85v3rl/if_i_get_more_money_ill_start_eating_less_ramen/
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A man went into a cafe and sat his six children at a table...

A woman asked him, "Are all of those children yours?"
"No, I work for a condom company...these are customer complaints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85v3cb/a_man_went_into_a_cafe_and_sat_his_six_children/
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This is a joke from the 1920's

Why were the trousers not allowed to enter the school?
They were suspended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85uz4f/this_is_a_joke_from_the_1920s/
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All of these eye jokes...

I don't think they can get any cornea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85uyns/all_of_these_eye_jokes/
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A sadist and a masochist are locked up in a jail cell

The masochist says to the sadist: "Hurt me!"
The sadist says no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ux4o/a_sadist_and_a_masochist_are_locked_up_in_a_jail/
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Blonde in a field.

A blonde woman is driving down a road when she sees another blonde in the middle of a field and she appears to be swimming. Angry at the site, the blonde driver slams on the brakes, hops out of the car and screams "YOU KNOW, IT IS BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE BLONDES LIKE ME A BAD NAME!!" The blonde in the field replies "Yeah, well why don't you come out here and do something about it?" The blonde driver replies "I WOULD BUT I CAN'T SWIM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85uv9q/blonde_in_a_field/
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A priest enters a fish market.

When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name of the fish is a Son of a Bitch." Relieved, the priest tells him. "Well in that case, I'll take the son of a bitch with me."
Later on, the priest shows the fish to the bishop at the church. "My word." The bishop says. "That's quite a fish." The priest tells him. "I know. Maybe we can cook the son of a bitch later." The bishop says "I've worked with you for years and I've never heard you use such language." The priest explains "Oh. The name of the fish is a Son of a bitch. So it's quite fine." "Is that so?" The bishop says. "Well the pope is visiting. We can have the son of a bitch for dinner.
Later at dinner, the priest, the bishop and the pope are eating the fish. The priest says. "This son of a bitch is delicious." Then the bishop says "I've never had a son of a bitch this good." The pope puts down his fork and says "You know, you motherfuckers are alright."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ur91/a_priest_enters_a_fish_market/
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There are four types of posts on Reddit

Helpful,
Unhelpful
And misleading...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85umbx/there_are_four_types_of_posts_on_reddit/
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A husband dies and goes into limbo for judgement

While there he sees an angel who is the gatekeeper for the gate to heaven. At the gate, the angel says "You have done enough good deeds in your life for me to grant passage into heaven." "But first, I want you to spell out a word for me, and if you get it correct, I can let you enter." The man says Okay and asks for the word. The Angel replies "Spell out Love." "Thats easy" the man says "L-O-V-E." He spells it out correctly and is granted passage. As he is about to enter the gate the Angel stops the husband and asks him to stay watch as the angel has something urgent to take care of. The angel says, just bullshit about some deeds and ask them to spell the word love and the gate will open.
The husband is waiting idle for someone to show up until after a while, to his surprise he finds his wife there. He asks, "Why are you here so quickly following mydeath!?" to which the wife replies "I couldnt take it living without you and decided to end my life so I could join you." The husband explains his situation and asks his wife to spell a word. The wife asks "What's the word then?" The husband replies "Czechoslovakia".
First joke submittal folks! I realise I'm not the greatest at writing these out. I heard this in person and thought it was fantastic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85uctd/a_husband_dies_and_goes_into_limbo_for_judgement/
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A young man from Alabama has been accepted to Harvard.

He arrives for orientation weekend and feels immediately out of place.
He is wandering around and bumps into a professor.
He kindly asks “‘Scuse me, sir. Ya know where the library’s at?”
Appalled and annoyed, the professor replies “You are certainly not from around here. Here at Harvard we do not end our sentences with a preposition.”
Without hesitation the young man says “Well, alrighty. Ya know where the library’s at, asshole?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85u5jk/a_young_man_from_alabama_has_been_accepted_to/
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My wife only gives me handjobs.

Tug life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85u4ol/my_wife_only_gives_me_handjobs/
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Little Andrew’s Penis

One day little Sarah came home from kindergarten and says to her mom
Sarah:  Mommy...Andrew’s penis is like a peanut.
Mom: (a little shocked but keeping her composure) why Sarah?  Is it because it’s really small?
Sarah:  No,  it’s like a peanut cause it tastes salty....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85u3wo/little_andrews_penis/
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Guy orders a steak at a restaurant.

The waiter brings it out and its rare.
"Excuse me, I said well done." says the guy
"Oh sorry, I didn't hear you", says the waiter, "Thanks very much!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85u2ff/guy_orders_a_steak_at_a_restaurant/
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'What is 2+2?'

The teacher asked Billy. He shakes his head as the teacher told him to ask his family.  When he reached home, Billy asked his dad who replied 'Are you stupid?'. Billy then asked his sister who was on the phone with her boyfriend. She said to her boyfriend 'Let's go baby'. Then, Billy went to ask his grandpa, to which he replied 'Sure thing' but fell asleep right after. Finally he decided to ask his brother who was having a massage. He didn't hear Billy as he yelled 'Damn, that was good'.  The next day, the teacher asked Billy 'What is 2+2?'. Billy replied with 'Are you stupid?'. Furious, the teacher said 'Do you want to go to the principals office?'. To which Billy replied 'Let's go baby'. Reaching the principals office, the principal threatened Billy with a caning. 'Sure thing', Billy answered. After the beating, the teacher asked Billy how it felt. 'Damn, that was good'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85u1ws/what_is_22/
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I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.

"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.
"Salad tastes nice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85u0s4/i_went_up_to_this_fat_bird_in_the_pub_last_night/
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Trying to impress a girl.

Today as a joke I went to a whole foods store. It is certainly the strangest place you might ever see. I was thinking I might make a joke about the place but instead I saw the most beautiful woman of my dreams! She was a clear 10. I walked up to her and began to introduce myself and to impress her I grabbed some healthy items off the shelf.
We struck up conversation quite nicely and walked around the store together. She was from Florida and lived in a town where my own parents had met! How crazy? Well I began to really like her and knew I needed to find some great way to impress her.
We got to the check out counter and the cashier rung up my items and then asked 'Paper or Plastic?'. Like most of us I naturally said plastic without thinking about it but then I remembered the kind of store i'm in and then turned to her and said " Don't worry, I always recycle"
with a scoff face she asks in disbelief "how do I know if that's true or not?"
To which I replied "just check my posts on r/jokes "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85tzjl/trying_to_impress_a_girl/
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What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Their middle name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85tyoy/what_do_john_the_baptist_and_winnie_the_pooh_have/
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A woman kept berating her maid that she was good for nothing all the time

One day the maid couldnt take it anymore .She shouted "Atleast I'm better than you in bed "
The woman was shocked,then she recovered and asked "Did my husband tell you that?"
Maid "No,your driver did "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85tw83/a_woman_kept_berating_her_maid_that_she_was_good/
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My wife keeps doing things that make me cross.

They warned me not to marry a chicken from the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85tt6j/my_wife_keeps_doing_things_that_make_me_cross/
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What did the Redditor say to the yogurt maker?

Ah, I see you're a man of culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85tpro/what_did_the_redditor_say_to_the_yogurt_maker/
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Weight check

A man stands on his bathroom scale. As his wife walks in she sees him inhale and hold it to suck in his stomach.
She says "That's not going to make a difference".
He says "Sure it is, now I can see the numbers".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85tor3/weight_check/
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4 birds sitting on a powerline

Teacher: There are four birds sitting on a powerline and a farmer shoots one, how many birds are left?
Johnny raises his hand and the teacher calls on him.
Johnny: There are none left cause when the farmer shot the one, the other ones flew away.
Teacher: Well Johnny for the purpose of this question, there are only three left but I like the way you are thinking.
Johny:  Can I ask you a question?  There are three ladies sitting on a bench eating popsicles.  One is licking it, one is biting it, and the other is sucking it.  Which one is married?
Teacher:  Well I would have to say it is the one sucking it.
Johnny:  Sorry but you are wrong,  it is the one with big titties but I like the way your're thinking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85to2u/4_birds_sitting_on_a_powerline/
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I want to live my next life backwards....

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.
Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85tjm5/i_want_to_live_my_next_life_backwards/
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What do you call walking trails behind mental institutions?

Psychopaths

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85tjel/what_do_you_call_walking_trails_behind_mental/
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A muscular man walks into a bar

A muscular man called Roy walks into a bar.
People around notice him and feel intimidated and are whispering to each other.
Roys walks to the bartender... sits down... takes a  deep breath...
"*I'd like a beer*" the man says in a high pitched voice... at first silence... then everyone around starts laughing their ass off, pointing fingers at him and mocking him...
Roy drinks his beer in a hurry and walks out ashamed and angry...
The next day he goes to a doctor and asks for a way to fix his high pitched voice.
The doctor promptly responds and shows him a cucumber...
"Here take this and stick it up your ass every day for 3 days"
Roy is baffled at first... but takes the offer and follows it through to the end...
After those 3 days he goes to the bar again... Walks proudly towards the bartender all the while people around who remembered him from last time start grinning about to burst in laughter...
Roy sits down, takes a deep breath...
"**I'd like a beer**" he says with a deep, booming, almost threatening, voice and everyone shuts up and their smiles are erased...
Roy drinks his beer in peace and walks out the bar happy and proud.
The next day, with the feel of confidence from yesterday he goes to the bar again accompanied by a friend... both of them muscular and quite threatening... People around notice him not even attempting to make eye contact let alone laugh...
Roy walks to the bar about to ask for a beer...
"*I'd like a beer*" he says with a high pitched voice again... (the effects of the cucumber obviously died out at the worst possible moment) and everyone bursts out laughing at his face, even his friend who couldn't hold his laugh.
Immediately Roy calls his wife at home, before she says anything, he asks her...
*Do you know where the cucumber the doctor prescribed me is?*
**How the hell I am I supposed to know where your cucumber is?**, his wife says with a deep, booming voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85tj2p/a_muscular_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85tewx/if_trump_played_dnd_what_weapon_would_he_use/
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In a library: "Excuse me, do you have any books about paranoia?"

"They are right behind your back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85tbk2/in_a_library_excuse_me_do_you_have_any_books/
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Hayato had a question

Then he headed to master Akira dojo on the top of the mountain, when he finally got there Hayato asked to the master:
-Master Akira, why people say that all the japaneses are alike?
And then he aswered:
-I'm not master Akira, he's over there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85tb84/hayato_had_a_question/
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I went out dressed like a chicken last night...

... and I met a girl who was dressed like an egg. One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered: it was the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85t6tf/i_went_out_dressed_like_a_chicken_last_night/
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold onto your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85t38h/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_tree/
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A chicken walks into the library and says to the librarian:

"Book, book, book."
The librarian hands the chicken three books. On the way out the chicken runs into a frog. The chicken shows the books to the frog and says:
"Book, book, book."
The frog replies:
"Reddit, reddit, reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85t2rw/a_chicken_walks_into_the_library_and_says_to_the/
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Job interview

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
Applicant: I only answer the semantics of a question.
Interviewer: Could you give me an example?
Applicant: Yes, I could.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85t02v/job_interview/
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A woman walks onto a bus

holding her baby.  As she scans her card, the bus driver looks up to her and says, "Have a sea... Whoa, that is an ugly baby!!".
The lady is shocked and shields the baby with her hand and takes a seat.   She just sits there getting more and more angry.  The man sitting next to her asks what's wrong.
She says, "That bus driver insulted me the moment I stepped onto this bus.  He's a government employee!"
"You don't have to put up with that," the man said.
"You know what, you're right!  I'm going to go up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"Good for you!  I'll hold your monkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85sylc/a_woman_walks_onto_a_bus/
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I recently learned that the Chinese word for "anus" is 屁眼 which literally means "the butt's eye"

It really makes sense in hind-sight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85syg0/i_recently_learned_that_the_chinese_word_for_anus/
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Have you heard of this bad doctor?

When people's limbs get cut off he replaces them, but with other animals' limbs.
One of his patients was really angry at this, and decided to call the doctor. After multiple profanities the patient said that if he finds the doctor he will kill him with his bear hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85svnd/have_you_heard_of_this_bad_doctor/
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Why Don't vampires like gambling?

They get nervous when the stakes are raised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85sv83/why_dont_vampires_like_gambling/
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Inconvenience is waiting in line to use the bathroom

Incontinence is not waiting in line to use the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85stqv/inconvenience_is_waiting_in_line_to_use_the/
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Preparing for Winter

One year, a young Ojibwe boy was given the task of ensuring the entire village had enough wood for winter. This was the first time he had been given such an honor and he wanted to do it right. Before he went to work he decided to call the weatherman to ask what kind of a winter was to be expected. The weather man told him it was going to be a warm and uneventful winter. The boy thought to himself, ‘this is great. I won’t have to work too hard and I’ll be able to look good in front of the whole tribe.’
Just to be safe, he gathered a few of his friends and they went to work for a week. At the end of the week, after chopping and piling the wood, the boy decided to give the weatherman a second call. The weatherman told him it was going to be a very cold winter. Shocked at this sudden change and not wanting to disappoint the elders of his village, he gathered more of his friends and they went to work. For two weeks they cut and piled wood, hoping that it would be enough to last the whole winter.
Once again the boy called the weatherman and this time the weatherman told him, “Son, its going to be a very bitter, cold and long winter. Maybe the worst winter on record.”
Exasperated, the boy had to ask, “What makes you say that sir?”
The weatherman replies, “The Indians are gathering wood like crazy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85srkw/preparing_for_winter/
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As I was leaving for work this morning, I saw that my dear, sweet wife left a card for me on the table. It said, "Get better soon!"

I'm not sick or anything, I'm just bad at sex...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85so9n/as_i_was_leaving_for_work_this_morning_i_saw_that/
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A businessman breaks down on the side of a country road...

Along his trip to the big city a businessman's car breaks down on a long stretch of country road. As he exits his car he finds no mechanic shops or gas stations along the road and his phone is out of the  service area. Luckily a farmer on a tractor stopped by and offered his support.
Farmer: "You look like you could use a pickup!"
Businessman: "I sure could. You know where the nearest mechanic shop is?"
Farmer: "Shoot. The closest one is at least 15 miles away, I'll take your car back and have it ready by tomorrow morning!"
Businessman: "I sure appreciate that sir, thank you!"
The businessman loads up inside the farmers tractor and they tow his car back to his farm. As the farmer finishes unloading his truck, he leads the businessman into his home.
Farmer: "I believe in Southern Hospitality mister. My house is your house. You can sit in my chair at the dinner table. Eat whatever you like. Hell.. you can even fuck my wife."
The businessman thinking he was joking about the last part, chuckles, accepts the hospitalility, and carries on his meeting brief. Dinner time rolls around and the farmer's wife comes in. She's drop dead gorgeous and much younger than the old farmer.
After dinner is over and everyone cleans up, it's bedtime.
Farmer : " We only have one bed. I want you to be comfy so you get the spot in the middle where it's the softest."
As they slide into bed, the farmer falls straight to sleep. Soon his wife gets on top of the businessman and begs him:
Wife: " Please fuck me. This old man can't get it up anymore and he won't mind. Believe me!"
Businessman: " I don't know. It's rude and I don't wanna wake him up."
Wife: "Hogwash! Go pluck a hair off his ass and watch he won't move a bit."
So the businessman leans over quietly. *Pluck* The farmer doesn't wake up. Curious and for good measure he gives another *pluck* and sure enough the farmer is sound asleep. He then gets on top of the farmer's wife and goes to town. Every so often while fucking her he would pluck a hair off the farmers ass to make sure he's asleep. All night this goes on, pluckin' and fuckin'.
The next morning is quiet around the breakfast table until the farmer breaks the silence.
Farmer: " Now I told you I believe in Southern Hospitality. I told you, you could sit in my chair. Eat my food. Even fuck my wife... But I never said you could use my ass as a scoreboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85snuc/a_businessman_breaks_down_on_the_side_of_a/
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My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday.

I don’t think they understood what I meant by “I wanna watch”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85sns3/my_lesbian_neighbors_got_me_a_rolex_for_my/
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Why is it so hard to break up with your Japanese girlfriend?

Because you have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85snkx/why_is_it_so_hard_to_break_up_with_your_japanese/
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Do you know why ducks have feathers?

To hide their buttquacks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85sni8/do_you_know_why_ducks_have_feathers/
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A man is sitting at a bar when an Asian man walks in and sits next to him

Five minutes later the Asian man kicks the first man off his barstool
The first man looks at him and asks him why he did I that and the Asian man replies that's karate from Korea
Not wanting any trouble the man gets up and sits back down
Five minutes later the Asian man kicks the guy off his stool again and says that's kung fu from china
Now the man is pissed but he still doesn't want any trouble but as he sits down again the Asian man kicks him off his barstool and says that's tae kwon do from Taiwan
Now the man is furious so he walks outside to his car
When he walks back inside he sees the Asian man and WHACK
While the Asian man is laying on the ground the man bends over him and says "That's a crowbar from the Home Depot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85sn50/a_man_is_sitting_at_a_bar_when_an_asian_man_walks/
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What's a pregnant woman, a frozen beer, and a burnt pizza have in common?

Some moron didn't pull it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85skpk/whats_a_pregnant_woman_a_frozen_beer_and_a_burnt/
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Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85sjo0/hillarys_emails_would_make_the_perfect/
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Bobby told Billy he stopped a stampede.

That's the biggest bunch of bull he ever herd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85siqs/bobby_told_billy_he_stopped_a_stampede/
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Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!"

The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85sidw/holding_a_gun_to_his_teacher_the_student_demanded/
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Scottishman, Englishman and Irishman Joke *Long*

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are traveling through the amazon rainforest. Suddenly they are captured by an indigenous tribe and taken to camp. The chief approaches the three and manages to communicate: “ we kill you, eat your flesh, make tools with bones and canoe with skin! First, we grant any wish!”
The Scotsman looks around, notices a few very beautiful women, scratches his chin and says “ Oh laddie, I wouldn’t mind a little one two with those bonnie lasses over there” He points to the chiefs daughter and friend. The chief agrees, the Scotsman has his way then is promptly killed smiling!
The Englishman looks around and noticed another few bountiful girls, pointing to them he says “ My dear fellow, those two fair maidens would be a welcome distraction as well would a bowl of your finest fruit” The chief agrees and the Englishman has his fun then meets the same grisly end.
The Irish man has been sitting all this time, mouth agape. “ I wanna fork!” The chief looks puzzled but hands over a fork to the captive. “ Haha, you won’t be making a feckin canoe outta me ya eejits”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85sg3a/scottishman_englishman_and_irishman_joke_long/
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A wife gets drunk one night and thinking it would be a bit of fun, buys a voodoo doll of her husband.

She staggers home, drops the doll on the floor and falls in to bed. The next morning she wakes up, oblivious to what she had done the previous night.
Over the course of the next few days the husband experiences some very weird occurrences. He randomly develops cuts and bruises all over his body, he starts to smell of urine and no matter how many times he showers, he can't get rid of it.
The couple decide to take action when the wife finds him huddled in the corner of the room, clutching his knees and crying about ghosts trying to penetrate him.
They get a baby sitter to look after the kid while they take the husband to see a doctor.
On the way back from an unsuccessful trip, the husband starts developing a bad smell, so putrid the wife has to resist the urge to gag.
They arrive home and the babysitter gets a waft of the smell coming from the husband. She chokes a bit, holds her nose and says, "Everything was fine. I hope you don't mind, but I got rid of the dogs toy."
"Hmmm, dogs toy... Omg... The doll! Where is it now!?" Shouts the wife.
"Well, it was torn to shreds and all pissy, so I flushed it down the toilet".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85sewi/a_wife_gets_drunk_one_night_and_thinking_it_would/
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A sad man at the bar

A man sat at a bar looking really depressed. “Why the long face?” asked the bartender
“Well, my wife got mad at me and wouldn’t speak to me for a month.”
“What! That’s a blessing in disguise! You’ll get peace and quiet for a whole month,” said the bartender.
“The problem is,” replied the man, “today’s the last day.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85seu5/a_sad_man_at_the_bar/
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Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are all golfing...

It’s a par 5 and Moses hits his tee shot first and it lands in the fairway.
Jesus hits his tee shot also in the fairway but a little further than Moses’s.
The old bearded guy steps up and shanks his tee shot way to the right. The ball bounces off a tree in to a pond where a turtle grabs the ball in his mouth  spits it on to the green and a duck kicks it near the hole and a gust of wind puts the  ball in the hole.
The old man starts walk toward the next hole like nothing happened when Moses says to Jesus angrily “Jesus, I’m done golfing with your dad!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85sd3v/jesus_moses_and_an_old_bearded_guy_are_all_golfing/
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An Asian woman has twins, a boy and a girl.

They came out within two seconds of each other, and the doctors forgot to record which one actually came out first. This was problematic for her as it had been a tradition in her family going back almost a thousand years to name the first born of each generation "Lin". After some discussion from her husband, they decide to name both the boy and the girl "Lin", for the sake of not ending the tradition.
Lin and Lin grew up having a relatively normal life, except for the fact that the boy Lin was bullied pretty consistently for having a girls name. Once a month or so, the boy Lin would come home in tears asking, "Mom, Dad, why did you give me a girls name?" But they would just pat him on the back and say "It's tradition, Lin."
Well this continued until Lin and Lin's 18th Birthday party. Their whole family was invited, and as you can imagine it was hell organizing the seating when about a third of everyone present was named Lin. At one point the boy Lin called for silence and announced to the room; "Now that I am 18, I intend to legally change my name to Lee." There were gasps and dropped glasses throughout the room. His parents fled the room, unable to look at him. "But why brother?" Asked the girl Lin, feeling hurt.
A voice soaked in alcohol rang from across the room; "Cause issa girls name!" It was the Lin twins great uncle, also named Lin. "As another man forced to go through his life with a girls name, I fully support your decision." He gifted each of the twins $100 for their birthday, and left.
The next day, the boy Lin brought his $100 down to the court house, and asked for a form to legally change his name to "Lee."
"Just so you know, it's a fee of another hundred bucks to stop the process after you've signed here, in case you change your mind." Said the clerk.
"I won't." The boy Lin responded, signing.
"Brother!" The girl Lin burst through the door of the courthouse just as the clerk took the paperwork away.
"It's too late sister, in a few hours I will legally be Lee."
The sister pleaded with him for the next hour until finally he cracked. How could he so calously throw away nearly a thousand years of tradition. He approached the clerk, but his heart sunk. "Lin-" he said to his sister, "I already spent all my money. I don't have the $100 to stop this process."
Determined to see this through, the girl Lee reached into her pocket and took out the hundred she had received from their drunk uncle Lin. "It's okay, brother, I will pay the fee."
Just then the Lin Twins drunk uncle Lin burst through the door. He yelled:
"DON'T STOP! BE LEE, LIN! HOLD ON TO THAT FEE, LIN, YEEEEAH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85scol/an_asian_woman_has_twins_a_boy_and_a_girl/
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A guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears

So a guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears, he takes a seat at the bar, the bartender then notices the carrots in the man's ears. The bartender walks over to the man and asks,
"Why do you have carrots in your ears?"
To which the man replies,
"Sorry, I can't hear you I have carrots in my ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85sci3/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_carrots_in_his_ears/
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I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85sas1/i_own_a_pencil_that_used_to_be_owned_by_william/
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The best feeling in the world is waking up realizing that you don’t have to deal with the repercussions of what you did in your dreams...

That is until my wife wakes up and I have to deal with the repercussions of what I did in HER dreams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85s9ph/the_best_feeling_in_the_world_is_waking_up/
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What does a leper say after having sex with a prostitute?

Keep the tip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85s9e5/what_does_a_leper_say_after_having_sex_with_a/
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At the Burger King drive through I said “I’ll have Bruce Lee’s favorite burger please”

The cashier said “what’s that?”
So I said “ A whopaaaaaaaa”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85s7xf/at_the_burger_king_drive_through_i_said_ill_have/
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Two Blondes....

Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"
2nd blonde: "Chickens."
1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"
2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"
1st blonde: "Well, I think you've got three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85s71f/two_blondes/
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One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot.

He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid. So he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than originally intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his.
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it if it can't."
"Don't worry" reassured the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85s6yg/one_day_a_man_went_to_an_auction_while_there_he/
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50% of Canada

Is the letter A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85s46n/50_of_canada/
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I Think My Wife Is Poisoning Me.

“This man goes to see his rabbi. He says to his rabbi, “Rabbi, I think my wife is poisoning me. I know she’s poisoning me.”
The rabbi says, “Calm down, calm down.”
He says, “No, no, I know! But I don’t know what to do. I need your advice.”
The rabbi says, “Well, give me a chance to talk to her, and then I’ll get back to you.”
About three days later, the rabbi calls the guy, and he says, “I had a long talk with your wife. I talked to her for about three hours.”
He says, “Yes, yes, so what’s your advice?”
“Take the poison.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85s3r2/i_think_my_wife_is_poisoning_me/
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If Kenny Loggins forgets his WiFi password...

Ken he log in?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85rzgz/if_kenny_loggins_forgets_his_wifi_password/
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Women can be so ungrateful sometimes. I made her breakfast in bed and instead of saying, “Thank you”, she was all like…

“How did you get in my house?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85rwnp/women_can_be_so_ungrateful_sometimes_i_made_her/
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Boy to girl: So did it hurt?

Girl: What?
Boy: When you fell from heaven.
Girl: Awwwwwwwwww. How did you know?
Boy: Your face looks fucked up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85rwdi/boy_to_girl_so_did_it_hurt/
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Im a stand up comedian and magician...

One joke and the audience disappears!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85rvwq/im_a_stand_up_comedian_and_magician/
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I just got the new iPhone for my wife

All things considered a pretty good trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85rv3n/i_just_got_the_new_iphone_for_my_wife/
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I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act

I gave him 5 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85rkt4/i_went_to_see_a_stage_performer_that_does_live/
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The Australian Bride

A  very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is  only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.  After several unsuccessful years of searching, she  decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer  and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has  no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she  feels that they are perfect for each other.  Eventually they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the  evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband  standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the  room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85rhdd/the_australian_bride/
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Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?

He'll dessert you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85rcwr/why_shouldnt_you_fall_in_love_with_a_pastry_chef/
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Posh & Becks were in a cab in NY

Posh & Becks caught a cab outside JFK airport after a long flight from London and the cabbie was delighted when he realised who it was.
"You're David Beckham!" he exclaimed "Nice to meet you!"
"Thanks" said David "nice to meet you too".
During the ride the converstation turned to what they'd been doing in London.
"Oh we went to a fantastic restaurant, the food was really delicious - I just can't remember what it was called..." said David.
"Hang on a minute, what's the name of that station in London?"
"Euston?" suggested the cabbie
"No that's not it, the big station.." replied David
"Paddington?"
"No that's not it - they do buses there..."
"Oh Victoria?" offered the cabbie
"Yes that's right Victoria." said Becks, turning to his wife. "Victoria, what's the name of that restaurant?"
*(edit formatting)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85rcci/posh_becks_were_in_a_cab_in_ny/
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19 and 20 had a fight...

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85rbjt/19_and_20_had_a_fight/
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Husband comes home way too drunk. To avoid a fight with his wife...

...he takes his laptop and starts working.
Wife: Don't tell me you broke your promise again and got drunk.
Husband: No sweetheart.
Wife: Then what the hell are are trying to type on a suitcase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85r38v/husband_comes_home_way_too_drunk_to_avoid_a_fight/
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If you’re skydiving and your parachute jams...

there's no need to panic; You have rest of your life to fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85qztd/if_youre_skydiving_and_your_parachute_jams/
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A man walks into a whore house

after long day and says to the head mistress " I want to get fucked right now!"
She replies "ok ok sir, what are you looking for?"
He says " i just want to get fucked! And right now!"
The mistress says ok, go up stairs and knock
The man hurries up stairs and knock on the door.
It opens ever so slightly and a woman says "15 dollars"
So the man slides 15 dollars under the door and waits. Well 10 minutes goes by and he knocks again.
The woman opens the door just a very little and says "15 dollars"
So again the man slides 15 dollars under the door. Another 10 minutes goes by and he starts to lose his patience. He bangs on the door and
The door cracks open and again the voice says " 15 dollars" and he pays again.
He finaly loses his mind and runs down stairs to find the mistress and says " i want to get fucked!  i have paid 15 dollars 3 times to that woman and still haven't gotten any!
The mistress replies " sounds like you got fucked 3 times to me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85qvv5/a_man_walks_into_a_whore_house/
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So My Family is Definitely Racist...

I started dating an Asian Girl recently and brought her home to meet my family.
The kids wouldn’t speak to her and my wife told me to pack my shit and leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85qvai/so_my_family_is_definitely_racist/
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What did the Coke can say when we got crushed?

I'm soda pressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85qpcx/what_did_the_coke_can_say_when_we_got_crushed/
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Asian guy walks into a bar

He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85qonh/asian_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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If this wig doesn’t stay on...

There will be hell toupee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85qm0i/if_this_wig_doesnt_stay_on/
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Costume Party Host: What are you? Me: A harp. Host: Your costume's too small to be a harp.

Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ql3v/costume_party_host_what_are_you_me_a_harp_host/
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A boy went up to his father and said, "Your secret is out now dad. It's no use hiding it."

His father's face went pale. He gave the boy $100 and told him to keep quiet about it.
Happy that the trick worked, he then went to his mother and said, "Your secret is out now mom. It's no use hiding it." Just like his dad, his mom was shocked too. She gave the boy $200 and told him to keep quiet about it.
Excited, the boy thought who should he try the trick on next when he saw the postman outside his house. He approached the postman and said, "Your secret is out now mister. It's no use hiding it." The postman, completely shocked, hugged the boy and said, "I am glad you finally know it son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ql0p/a_boy_went_up_to_his_father_and_said_your_secret/
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Drugged Forest

One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest. As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."
The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the heroin, then back at the Rabbit, and then threw the needle away. The two then proceeded to run though the forest.
While running through the forest they came upon a sheep. This sheep was about to smoke a joint. The rabbit looked at the sheep for a moment and then said, "Sheep, don't smoke pot. Pot is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest.”
The sheep looked at the rabbit, then at the joint, then back at the rabbit, and then threw the joint away. The three then proceeded to run through the forest.
The three then stumbled upon a tiger. This tiger was about to crack open a cold beer. The rabbit looked at the tiger for a second and then said, "Tiger, don't drink alcohol. Alcohol is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest!"
The Tiger then looked at the rabbit, then at the beer, then back at the rabbit, and then cracked open the beer and carefully placed it on the ground next to him. He then proceeded to slowly walk over to the rabbit, lifted his paw up, and then mauled the shit out of the rabbit. After he was done he slowly walked back to the beer, picked it up and started drinking it.
The giraffe and the sheep were shocked. The giraffe looked at the tiger and said, "Dude!!! What the fuck? He was just trying to help you!!! Why did you hurt him?"
The tiger slowly looked at the giraffe and then said, "Because every time that rabbit does cocaine I end up running through the fucking forest!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85qkyw/drugged_forest/
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Gorilla behaviorbly resemble human

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.
Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?
Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.
'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'
Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.'
The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.
Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your butt and let us see what happens!'
The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her butt to the gorilla, which by now, was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.
The woman yells: 'Mark, what do I do now? Please, help me!'
Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood ... Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85qk4v/gorilla_behaviorbly_resemble_human/
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Vertebraes should actually be called Vertebros..

Because they always got your back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85qejq/vertebraes_should_actually_be_called_vertebros/
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When does a joke become a dad joke

When it leaves and never comes back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85qdwm/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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What happens when you play a modern country song, backwards?

Your truck fixes itself, your dog comes back to life, your girlfriend comes back to you, and your beer refills itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85qbrk/what_happens_when_you_play_a_modern_country_song/
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Guide: How to fall down the stairs

Step 1
&nbsp;
Step 2
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;        &nbsp;  Step 6, 7, 8, 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85q8df/guide_how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
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A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. It is $2.50 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85q46j/a_slice_of_apple_pie_in_jamaica_is_200_it_is_250/
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Einstein and Newton are in a bar...

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."
Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."
Einstein explains, "Imagine two people at opposite ends on top of a train moving very quickly. Even though the train is moving, if the person in the rear shines a light to the other in the front, they will measure the light to move at the usual constant speed of light. Likewise though, a person stationary beside the tracks will also measure the light to travel at the same speed, though from their stationary perspective the light traveled further because by the time the light got to the front person, they had moved a little bit more forward due to the velocity of the train. This means that the stationary person sees the light take longer to go from one person to the other."
He adds, "Additionally, if the person in the rear of the train measures the velocity of the light away from him to be one value, shouldn't the velocity they themselves possess not mean that the light would move faster from getting that extra push? But when we measure it, this is not the case!"
"If we allow ourselves to alter values like the passage of time for different perspectives, and even the masses of objects, we can create a set of physical laws which shows us how the people on the train can reconcile their views with the person beside it, based upon their relative velocities."
And so Newton replies, "What the hell is a train?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85q45j/einstein_and_newton_are_in_a_bar/
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A bus station is where a bus stops, a train station is where a train stops. In my office I have a workstation.

What more can I say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85pwgp/a_bus_station_is_where_a_bus_stops_a_train/
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Guys walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple of more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

Bartender  -  What's the matter.
Guy  -  My wife and I got into an argument, she said she won't be with me for a month.
Guy finishes his drink and says  -  Today is the last day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85pv96/guys_walks_into_the_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
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(NSFW) What's the best part about fingering a gypsy when she's on her period?

You get your palm red for free...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85pqwb/nsfw_whats_the_best_part_about_fingering_a_gypsy/
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(NSFW) What do you call a discount circumcision?

A Rip-off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85pq84/nsfw_what_do_you_call_a_discount_circumcision/
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How did the Hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85pmsx/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
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Sex Is Like Algebra

Mr. Johnson keeps on making me do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85pln2/sex_is_like_algebra/
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Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85pfcb/kung_fu_student_asks_his_teacher/
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How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, and surround it with peas. When he goes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85pedi/how_do_you_catch_a_polar_bear/
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A man's testicles and his urethra are two very dissimilar things...

It's true that there's a vas deferens between them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85pd9c/a_mans_testicles_and_his_urethra_are_two_very/
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What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't make a vitamin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85p8y5/whats_the_difference_between_a_vitamin_and_a/
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What is an arrogant criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85p4mr/what_is_an_arrogant_criminal_walking_down_the/
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If pro is the opposite of con...

... what's the opposite of progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85p2nx/if_pro_is_the_opposite_of_con/
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When Japan invaded China in World War II...

...imagine how many people died from friendly fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85p28t/when_japan_invaded_china_in_world_war_ii/
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban at the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ow0q/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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If I had a vaccine for every bullshit news article that's been spread about by stay at home moms on Facebook

I would have autism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85orfc/if_i_had_a_vaccine_for_every_bullshit_news/
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If i had a nickel for every math test i've failed..

I'd have 17 cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85oqrn/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_math_test_ive_failed/
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Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85oqqq/putin_recently_won_the_election_with_about_77/
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Why do bees stay in their hive during the winter?

Swarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ol9e/why_do_bees_stay_in_their_hive_during_the_winter/
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I know a guy called Clitoris...

He's a bit of a cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85odcq/i_know_a_guy_called_clitoris/
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10 reasons why men are lazy

:
1)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85oawx/10_reasons_why_men_are_lazy/
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Virginity is like a car

if you keep it for more than 25 years, nobody will want to take it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85oa6j/virginity_is_like_a_car/
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A man is opening up a new piano bar...

...and is auditioning pianists. It's been a long day, and he's heard dozens of of pianists play, but none of them have had that special something he's looking for. The last audition of the day comes in, sits at the piano, and starts playing the audition piece.
In short it's perfect. The piano bar owner has to restrain himself from applauding at the end, and says, "That was fantastic, what else have you got?"
The pianist replies that he has some originals, turns back to the piano and starts playing the most incredible music the owner has ever heard. He's never been so moved in his life. As the song wraps up, the owner says, "I've never heard anything like that! What's that piece called?"
The pianist says, "I call that one, *I Love You So Fucking Much I Could Shit*."
The owner is taken aback, but asks if the pianist has any others. The pianist turns back to the piano and plays an even more incredible piece than the last one. The owner is quite literally moved to tears. No longer able to stop himself from applauding, he asks, "What do you call that one?"
"That one's, *I Want to Dick Punch You in the Fart Box*."
The owner's heard enough, and says, with some trepidation, "OK, you've got the gig, on one condition: you can't speak to ANY of the patrons."
The pianist graciously accepts.
___
On the night of the grand opening, the pianist shows up and starts playing, and is predictably amazing. The patrons are loving the music, the drinks are flowing, it's everything the owner was hoping it would be.
After a while, the pianist takes 5 and heads to the bathroom. On his way back, one of the patrons stops him and says, "Do you know your fly's open and your dick's hanging out?"
The pianist replies incredulously, "Know it? I wrote it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85o8dp/a_man_is_opening_up_a_new_piano_bar/
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What's the difference between a priest and a Christmas tree?

None. For both the balls are for decoration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85o2j4/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a/
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What grade did Tommy Wisaeu usually get in school?

A high mark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85o1ej/what_grade_did_tommy_wisaeu_usually_get_in_school/
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Two years ago I became addicted to soap

Thankfully I'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85nynj/two_years_ago_i_became_addicted_to_soap/
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I have a bumper stick on my car that says “Honk it you think I’m sexy”

Then I wait at a green light to make me feel good about myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85nulp/i_have_a_bumper_stick_on_my_car_that_says_honk_it/
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John was stuttering his whole life

He went to all the specialist that existed since he was a child. They tried everything possible but nobody could help him.
He started a new job and his coworker told him about this genius doctor that has not met a condition he couldn't fix. Desperate John decides to give this doctor a final try if only for a minuscule hope.
He comes to the doctor and starts.
D-d-d-d-d-d-doc-tor  i-i-i-i-i've b-b-b-b-b-b-been s-s-s-s-stuttering m-m-m-my wh-wh-wh-ole l-l-l-l-life a-a-a-a-and y-y-y-y-you-you-you're m-m-m-m-my l-l-l-l--last ho-ho-ho-hope.
The doctor is very assuring and says that he's the best doctor in the world and he will find what's wrong with John. So they begin with the tests and in a week time doctor calls John back to his office.
John comes back to the doctors office and asks him: S-s-s-s-so d-d-d-doc-doc-doctor w-w-wh-what's w-w-w-wrong w-w-w-wh-whit m-m-m-me?
The doc tells him he has a good news and a not so good news. John is scared and relived but tells the doc to g-g-g-go a-a-a-a-ahead.
So doctor goes. The good news is i know what's causing your stutter. It's your penis. It's so big it messes with your nerves connection in your brains and you stutter. The not so good news is that to stop this we would have to find an organ donor and have your penis replaced with the donors one.
John is a bit scarred but decides that he has enough of stutter and wants the surgery done as soon as the right donor is found.
In a another week time John gets a call from the doctor that the donor was found and John comes and gets the operation done.
Several weeks pass and John comes back to the doctors office and says:
Well doc you were correct. Ever since the operation i had not stutter once. There is just one problem. My wife is really unhappy with the size of my new penis and is threatening divorce because i can't sexually satisfy her anymore. I just need to know what happened to my penis. Can i get it back. I hate to stutter but i love my wife and i want to make her happy.
And the doc goes:
I-i-i-i-i-i'm s-s-s-s-s-so-so-sorry J-j-j-j-john b-b-b-b-b-b-but y-y-y-y-y-y-your p-p-p-p-p-p-pen-penis w-w-w-w-was d-d-d-d-d-d-des-des-destroyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85nsy2/john_was_stuttering_his_whole_life/
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A caterpillar is looking at a flower bud [NSFW]

On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.
Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking at the caterpillar and says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this caterpillar. But I'll wait until it has eaten the bud so that I can go and fill my belly!! " and then it waits patiently for the caterpillar to eat the bud.
Watching from another branch, a hawk hungrily looks at the sparrow and says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this sparrow. But I will wait until it has eaten the caterpillar so that I can go and fill my belly." and then it waits patiently for the sparrow to eat the caterpillar.
At the base of the tree, a cat is watching all this unfold and hungrily says: " I'll be damned if I don't eat this hawk. But I will wait until the hawk has eaten the sparrow so that I can go and fill my belly." and then waits for the right moment to jump on the hawk.
A few moment pass and the bud starts to bloom. Seeing this, the caterpillar goes and rushes for the bud, devouring the flower that started to bloom.
Not wanting to miss his chance, the sparrow dives and goes for the caterpillar, eating it whole.
With piercing eyes, the hawk reacts fast and swoops down on the sparrow, killing it with a swift strike.
Having been preparing for a deadly attack on the hawk, the cat leaps on the branch and attempts to maul its prey.
The total weight of the animals making the branch more frail, it breaks and the cat falls into a puddle of water.
Moral of the story: the longer the build-up, the wetter the pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85nsvz/a_caterpillar_is_looking_at_a_flower_bud_nsfw/
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A husband and wife gave birth to two beautiful twin boys

They were named Jesse and James. The boys grew up very successful in school and sports. They both participated in Boxing, track and hockey. They were also straight A students. One day while rough housing Jesse caught James with a left hook to the eye. This left a long cut under James’ eyes that healed into a long scarred line. This became the distinguishable feature to determine which boy was which.
As the boys grew older they maintained their popularity and strived in academics and sports as usual, but Jesse got himself involved with some bad apples that significantly lowered his performance in school and sports. He was partying everynight, getting drunk and high constantly. James and his parents tried fixing him but he was being a defiant teen. When the boys finished high school James went on to college but Jesse stayed home for a year until he was kicked out.
James was very successful in college, and landed  an internship in a very large company.  Every year when the boys would come home for holidays James would come by with gifts for all his relatives and would be dressed in expensive suit coats, Where as Jesse would come in old ratty clothes and would just stay in his room and make a mess. Eventually they told Jesse that he can’t come to family events if he continues to be rude or if he landed a stable job. Jesse left without saying a word.
Throughout the years James became more and more successful and eventually became the owner of a large and successful business, while Jesse was still unheard of for many years. One day as the mother of the boys and her friend were walking through town they saw James talking on the phone outside an office buildings, they were surprised since he was supposed to be out of town as he had moved away several years ago and informs them when he visits. They greeted him and asked him why he was in he said “ I’ve got an important meeting with the CEO of a very large company.” The mother replies “I’m so glad to hear that son, I’ll leave you alone to handle that, but stop by home when you’re done” As they walked off the friend says “oh it’s great to see Jesse up on his feet again.” The mother replies, “ that was James not Jesse we haven’t heard from Jesse in years.” The friend insists, “ no that was Jesse.” “Well why do you think that?”  “It was obvious it was Jesse” she replied “ There was no punchline.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85nooi/a_husband_and_wife_gave_birth_to_two_beautiful/
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A veterinary student is having an exam.

Unfortunately, he is in grave danger of failing.
Thankfully, the professor likes him, so he decides to ask the student a bonus question - if he answers correctly, he passes, if not, then he fails.
The professor asks the student: "Can you tell me how to perform an abortion on a goat?"
Unfortunately, the student does not have the required knowledge and fails. Right after that, he goes to the bar to drown his sorrows in alcohol.
After he enters the bar, the bartender asks him "You look like you're having a problem. May I help you?".
The student says "I don't think it's anything you can help with.".
The bartender tells him "You know, I've helped many people throughout my life. Just tell me what's wrong, and I'll try to find a solution."
The student asks him "OK, smartass. Can you tell me how to perform an abortion on a goat?".
The bartender gives him a weird look and says "Man, you're in really deep shit..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85no02/a_veterinary_student_is_having_an_exam/
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Well, turn it around

A young man walking down the street sees a street vendor selling apples 1 for $5. Appalled at the price he stops and inquires about the over priced fruit.
“What’s so special about these apples?” Asked the young man.
“Well they’re 2 flavored apples.” Replied the vendor. “One side taste like apple pie, the other taste like vanilla ice cream.”
“No way” says the young man. But curiosity gets the best of him and he buys one.
He takes a bite and is amazed that it taste just like apple pie. Crust, filling, and all.
“Wow!” He exclaimed. “That’s amazing.
“Well, turn it around.” Says the vendor.
He takes another bite and is in utter disbelief as it tastes just like vanilla ice cream.
The young man pulls out his wallet and buys 5 apples.
The young man continues his journey down the road and sees another street vendor selling apples 1 for $25.
“This should be good” says the young man as he approaches the apple stand.
“What’s the deal with these apples.” Says the young man?”
“Well they’re 2 flavored apples.” Replied the vendor. “One side taste like banana pudding, the other taste like sugar cookies.”
“No way” says the young man. But curiosity gets the best of him and he buys one.
He takes a bite and is amazed that it taste just like banana pudding.
“Wow!” He exclaimed. “That’s amazing.
“Well, turn it around.” Says the vendor.
He takes another bite and is in utter disbelief as it tastes just like sugar cookies.
The young man pulls out his wallet and buys 20 apples.
The young man continues his journey down the road and sees another street vendor selling apples 1 for $100.
“This should be good” says the young man as he approaches the apple stand.
“What’s the deal with these apples.” Says the young man?”
“Well they’re 2 flavored apples.” Replied the vendor. “One side taste like steak, the other taste like garlic mashed potatoes.”
“No way” says the young man. But curiosity gets the best of him and he buys one.
He takes a bite and is amazed that it taste just a delicious T-Bone steak.
“Wow!” He exclaimed. “That’s amazing.
“Well, turn it around.” Says the vendor.
He takes another bite and is in utter disbelief as it tastes just like smooth garlic mashed potatoes.
The young man pulls out his wallet and buys 5 apples.
The young man continues his journey down the road and sees another street vendor selling apples 1 for $500.
“Oh fuck no” shouts the young man. “Now that’s ridiculous”
He walks up anyway.
“Alright man”, Says the young man to the vendor. “Now I’ve been through some crazy apples today but $500?”
The vendor looks at him with a smile and says “well these taste just like pussy”
Without missing a beat the young man pulls out $500, pays, and snatched the apple from the stand. He takes a bite and spits it out as fast as he hit it.
“What the heck man? This Apple tastes like shit!”
The vendor looks at him with a smile and says. “Well, turn it around”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85nnsz/well_turn_it_around/
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A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?
Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85nllm/a_doctor_was_treating_a_victim_of_a_beating/
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I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story.

I think something scary is about to happen, I can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85nkgu/ive_just_started_reading_my_first_ever_braille/
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A Woman Has Twins

A woman has twins, and but is down on her luck so she decides to give them up for adoption. The adoption agency can't find a home that would take them both so they had to be split up. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her friend that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her friend responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85njex/a_woman_has_twins/
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Mummy, can i lick the bowl?

No Timmy, you can flush like everyone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85nibl/mummy_can_i_lick_the_bowl/
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nsfw Two sperms were swimming for the egg...

One sperm says to the other "Jeez, I'm tired! How long til we get to the egg?" The other sperm says, "It's going to be a while, we just got past the colon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85nej7/nsfw_two_sperms_were_swimming_for_the_egg/
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How did the blonde die from raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ndox/how_did_the_blonde_die_from_raking_leaves/
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My doctor asked for yet another sample of my poop...

... I said no because I couldn’t give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85nd9m/my_doctor_asked_for_yet_another_sample_of_my_poop/
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My friend always tells everyone that he's a private investigator,

but within our group of friends we know he's just a gynecologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85n6md/my_friend_always_tells_everyone_that_hes_a/
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Four men all die simultaneously and appear before the Devil in the Garden of Eden

The Devil says to the men: "within this garden you will find every fruit that has ever existed in vast quantities, please choose one type and collect 10 of them, then return to me and I will explain the game we are about to play."
The men nod and go off to find their respective fruits, and shortly after, the first of the group returns with an armful of oranges. The Devil tells the man "The rules are simple: if you can fit all 10 of these up your ass, I'll return you to life with all of the wealth and happiness you could imagine, fail to do this and you will burn in Hell for all eternity." The man, slightly confused but otherwise agreeing begins the ordeal. He very painfully gets half of the first orange up his ass, before bursting out laughing and dropping it. The Devil then snaps his fingers and the man disappears in a cloud of smoke.
The second man returns shortly after, clutching a bundle of strawberries. The Devil repeats the rules and the man nods along and begins in the act. The man is able to fit 5 of the strawberries into his ass and is working on the 6th, when he suddenly bursts out laughing, causing his work to be ruined. The devil snaps his fingers while shaking his head in disappointment and again the man disappears in a cloud of smoke.
The third man approaches shortly after, holding 10 small grapes. The Devil once again recites the rules and the man confidently accepts the bargain, proud of his choice in fruit. The man closes his eyes to concentrate and gets 9 of the grapes up his ass and almost finishes the 10th before he opens his eyes just to see the look on the Devil's soon to be defeated face, when he goes into a fit of laughter, falling down in the process and failing the challenge.
The Devil is beyond pissed at this point and pulls the man up by his collar, yelling "What is so god-damn funny that you would get this close to besting me, then ruin it for a quick laugh?!" The man, still chuckling, points to the garden behind the Devil and says: "That guy's picking pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85n1kq/four_men_all_die_simultaneously_and_appear_before/
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Bra Shopping: A religious experience.

David goes into Macy’s, to the lingerie department, and he says to the salesgirl, “My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B, and she said that you’d know what I meant."
The saleslady says, “Boy, it’s been a long time since anybody’s asked me for a Jewish bra. They usually ask me for a Catholic bra or a Salvation Army bra or a Presbyterian bra.”
He says, “Well, what’s the difference?”
She says, “The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra uplifts the downfallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”
He goes, “Well, then what’s a Jewish bra?”
“Oh, a Jewish bra makes mountains out of molehills.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85n0ps/bra_shopping_a_religious_experience/
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My girlfriend: “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”

“Good idea,” I said, “We can cover more ground that way.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85mzkf/my_girlfriend_you_act_like_a_detective_too_much_i/
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My girlfriend is beautiful, like a Greek statue,

completely pale, great body, no arms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85myt9/my_girlfriend_is_beautiful_like_a_greek_statue/
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What goes "Oooooooo"?

A cow with no lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85mwuk/what_goes_oooooooo/
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You can tell the sex of an ant by throwing it in water...

If it sinks, it’s a girl ant.
If it floats, it’s buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85mukc/you_can_tell_the_sex_of_an_ant_by_throwing_it_in/
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An English man, French and American walk near the sea

And argue who has the best submarines.
The french says: Our submarines can las a whole week under water.
The english man says: Our submarines can last two weeks under water.
The american says: Well our submarines can last a whole month under water.
Near them a submarin emerges from the water and a man comes out of it and asks: Heil, is the war over?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85muib/an_english_man_french_and_american_walk_near_the/
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So now I’m banned from going to the laser tag fun center

They said I’m not allowed to use melee attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85mf1w/so_now_im_banned_from_going_to_the_laser_tag_fun/
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3 vampires brooding over a village, about to have a bloodfest showdown

First one flies over to the village, comes back 10 mins later, bloodstained as shit: see that little townsquare over there? I fucking ate them all. The other one flies down, comes back half an hour later, bloodstained as shit: see that village we all seeing? I fucking ate them all. Last one flies down towards the village, comes back 2 mins later, bloodier than a motherfucker: see that tree just over there? Yeah, I didnt see it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85m9y4/3_vampires_brooding_over_a_village_about_to_have/
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A lion would NEVER cheat on his wife...

But a Tiger Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85m96j/a_lion_would_never_cheat_on_his_wife/
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Learn how to avoid clickbait!!!

Don’t do what you just did!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85m71z/learn_how_to_avoid_clickbait/
%
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and
trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell,
then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window,
jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing?
This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ass.........
It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85m3yy/as_a_butcher_is_shooing_a_dog_from_his_shophe/
%
How come black people are so tall?

Because their knee grows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85m0py/how_come_black_people_are_so_tall/
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You heard about the guy that added 3, 20, and 46?

The Summer of 69

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85lznr/you_heard_about_the_guy_that_added_3_20_and_46/
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The dinosaurs never went extinct...

Today they're just called flat earthers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85lyct/the_dinosaurs_never_went_extinct/
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My girlfriend always tells me that the one thing she won't tolerate is infidelity...

She would leave, no questions ask, if I ever cheated on her.  Thankfully, my wife is a little more lenient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85lwc4/my_girlfriend_always_tells_me_that_the_one_thing/
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An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scottsman...

walk into a bar and each order a pint. A fly drops into each of their glasses.
The Englishman pushes his away in disgust.
This Irishman picks the fly out and continues to drink.
The Scottsman picks the fly out of his beer, stares the bug down and shouts "Spit it out ya lil bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85lvtx/an_englishman_irishman_and_a_scottsman/
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What do you call a retreat for Jewish kids with ADHD?

Concentration Camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85lvgp/what_do_you_call_a_retreat_for_jewish_kids_with/
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What did the fat sheep say to her husband?

"I love being a round ewe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85lt0i/what_did_the_fat_sheep_say_to_her_husband/
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A cop pulls over a physicist

He asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
The physicist replies, “Yes officer, but where am I?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85lsel/a_cop_pulls_over_a_physicist/
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My friend tried telling me shovels are useless.

But I truly believe it was a ground breaking invention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85lr7z/my_friend_tried_telling_me_shovels_are_useless/
%
Communism jokes aren't funny

Unless we all split the karma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85lphw/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
%
I remember the first time I had sex.

I still have the receipt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85loae/i_remember_the_first_time_i_had_sex/
%
An engineer, mathematician, and a programmer are trapped in another dimension

Suddenly before their eyes, the devil materializes.
"Escape from here is impossible without help from a higher power. I'll give you three wishes to escape. If you are still here, I can claim your soul."
"I wish to leave," said the engineer.
And so he disappeared, but a piercing shriek could be heard.
"Never known a man who wanted to leave to go to Hell," mused the devil.
"I wish for all wishes to be considered in unison, I wish for no pain, I wish to go back to Earth."
"Changing planes of reality cause pain, I can't move you without hurting you," announced the devil as he claimed the mathematician's soul.
The programmer weighed his chances of leaving alive and well.
"I wish for you to be like my sex life."
And so the devil vanished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85liq7/an_engineer_mathematician_and_a_programmer_are/
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My dad would swear and then say, "Excuse my French"

One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85lija/my_dad_would_swear_and_then_say_excuse_my_french/
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The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve time travellers here."

A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85lfrs/the_barman_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
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If I had a penny for every time a girl asked me out..

I’d have 5 cents.
She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85lbwj/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_time_a_girl_asked_me/
%
My wife and I lived happily for 20 years.

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85lagq/my_wife_and_i_lived_happily_for_20_years/
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What do you call the path of a truck turning 180 degrees?

A semi-circle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85l357/what_do_you_call_the_path_of_a_truck_turning_180/
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It's funny how a sentence can have different meanings depending on where you say them.

saying "you da bomb" in the US is a compliment.
However a discussion in the Middle East.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85kxbe/its_funny_how_a_sentence_can_have_different/
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My brother is terribly sick, so we are collecting 7000$.....

So that I can travel across the country. Too depressing living with that sick kid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ktpw/my_brother_is_terribly_sick_so_we_are_collecting/
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Green is my favorite color.

I like it better than blue and yellow combined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85kt17/green_is_my_favorite_color/
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A Night To Remember...

A man is walking through the city at night and sees a woman sitting at the storefront of a shop wrapped in a blanket with a sad look on her face.
He kneels down beside her and asks if she is okay.
“I’m fine, it’s just I have been sleeping rough for weeks, I’m freezing cold and haven’t had a hot bath in ages.” She replies.
The man feeling sympathetic invites her to his apartment a few blocks away. He draws her a bath soon later, the woman comes out smiling “Thanks very much” the lady says, “that was just what I needed.”
She changes back into her clothes and as she is about to leave her stomach rumbles.
“Are you okay?” The man asks.
“Well it’s just I haven’t had a hot meal in weeks.”  The lady replied with a frown.
On hearing this, the man decides to treat this poor woman to the most luxurious restaurant in town. He tells her to not hold back and order anything she wants. The lady taking advantage of the opportunity orders two appetisers, the 24oz Steak and multiple sides.
After finishing as much of the food as she possibly could, she is blown away by the man’s generosity.
She is completely full and gives a grin across the table after she finishes her dessert.
“Everything okay?” He smiled back.
“Yes, that was just perfect. You know what else I haven’t had in months, a good kiss.” she replied.
On hearing this the man leans forward and gives her a kiss.
She is blown away and says “Thanks for this perfect evening, but there is just one more thing missing.”
“Oh yeah, what’s that?” He asks with a grin.
“Well... I haven’t been fucked in months.” She exclaimed seductively.
He smiles, drops the bill on the table, makes his way to the exit and says... “Well your fucked now”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85kt03/a_night_to_remember/
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Guy goes to his shrink and says, "I think I'm a French pair of shoes!"

The shrink replies, "What makes you chaussures?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85knlv/guy_goes_to_his_shrink_and_says_i_think_im_a/
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Both my parents had sex changes

Now I have a transparent background.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85kkt5/both_my_parents_had_sex_changes/
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A fascist, liberal, and communist start arguing who’s got a better ideology

To settle their argument, they decide to see whose ideology can make a cat eat mustard.
Fascist takes a spoonful of mustard and forcefully shoves it down the cat’s throat.
Liberal puts mustard between two pieces of tasty meat and thus tricks the cat into eating it.
Communist smears mustard below the cat’s tail. Poor animal starts meowing and tries to lick it off. Communist says: “Note, it’s eating mustard voluntarily and with a cheerful song!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85kkss/a_fascist_liberal_and_communist_start_arguing/
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If x=y and y=z, then x=z.

Applying the same logic.
If all men are pigs. And Men and women are equal.
Then all women are pigs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85kjxk/if_xy_and_yz_then_xz/
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TIL that with five minutes of training, anyone can be taught to land a plane.

Once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85kjv3/til_that_with_five_minutes_of_training_anyone_can/
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What happens when you win a raffle twice that gave you five for the price of three on rugby tickets?

You won two, three for five six nations tickets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85kfnq/what_happens_when_you_win_a_raffle_twice_that/
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My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"

I replied, "Single-handedly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ke9d/my_son_just_told_me_the_school_security_guard_got/
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There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85k3oj/theres_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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The laughing horse.

A guy visits a bar and oders a drink, while enjoying his drink he notices people coming out of a door way and dropping five dollars into a big jar filled with money, he asks the barman "what's that all about?" The barman replies "there's a hourse out back if you can get it to laugh you win the jar of money" the guy asks if he can have a a go and the bar replies "sure" so the guy goes out back after a few moments the horse starts laughing like crazy, the guy walks back into the bar picks up the jar of money and leaves.
A few weeks later the same guy comes back to the bar and grabs another beer, he still hears the horse laughing and notices people coming in and putting five dollars in another jar filled with money. He asks the barman "what's going on now?" The barman replies "if you can stop the horse from laughing you get all the money" the asks if he can have a go and bar says "sure" so the guy goes out back and after a few minutes the horse stops laughing, the guy comes back in grabs the jar of money and leaves.
The barman chases after the guy and says "wait, you've got to tell me how you did it! How did you make him laugh then stop again?" The guy looks at the barman and says "easy, first I told him my penis was bigger than his and he started laughing, to stop him from laughing I proved it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85k1hv/the_laughing_horse/
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The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.

Yes, it was an Apple.
But with an extremely limited memory.
Just one byte.
Then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85k0zi/the_oldest_computer_can_be_traced_to_adam_and_eve/
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Just as I suspected: someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85jzyv/just_as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil/
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How can you tell someone’s a firefighter?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85jzdr/how_can_you_tell_someones_a_firefighter/
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Courtesy of my daughter .....

Dad, I have some jokes!!
Q: Why did Sarah fall off the swing?
A: Coz she had no arms.
swiftly followed by
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
NOT SARAH!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85jwgh/courtesy_of_my_daughter/
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The smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85jw6j/the_smuggler/
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A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining together at the country club.

The conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary, and a wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The doctor offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.
The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85jvgs/a_doctor_an_architect_and_an_attorney_were_dining/
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A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician goes hunting.

The physicist sees a deer and calculates a trajectory in a vacuum and pulls the trigger.
The bullet falls short.
The engineer, seeing this, adds in some fudge and calculates high, overshooting the deer by a similar amount.
The statistician exclaims, "We got it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85jsru/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_statistician_goes/
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A man finishes several hours of drinking at a bar...

He gets up to leave and collapses to the ground.
Thinks to himself "boy, I'm really trashed".
Crawls his way to the door, tries to stand up outside, boom, falls down again.
"Man, I really drank too much this time".
Drags himself down the street to his house, tries to stand up and falls yet again.
"I really need to stop drinking so much".
Crawls up the stairs and passes out in bed.
Next morning his wife asks him if he got drunk last night.
"Nah, I don't think so, why do you ask"?
"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85jrxp/a_man_finishes_several_hours_of_drinking_at_a_bar/
%
In Putin’s Russia

Russian government votes for you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85jo4h/in_putins_russia/
%
What's got 4 legs and goes "Boo!"?

A cow with a cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85jgw4/whats_got_4_legs_and_goes_boo/
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What did Bo Peep say to Woody when he caught her with Buzz Lightyear?

"You've got a friend in me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85jgbv/what_did_bo_peep_say_to_woody_when_he_caught_her/
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Golf Shoes

Paul, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret, at age 83, looked him over and replied "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Paul stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again, he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Paul, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down tomorrow." Furious, Paul yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!" Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You should’ve bought a new hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85jfrd/golf_shoes/
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What do a group of psychiatric patients and an anorexic have in common?

Mass hysteria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85jfg6/what_do_a_group_of_psychiatric_patients_and_an/
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A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85jcql/a_doctor_a_lawyer_are_talking_at_a_party/
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Why should you always wash your clothes in Tide?

It’s too cold to wash them out’Tide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85jbvl/why_should_you_always_wash_your_clothes_in_tide/
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"Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

"Because we conceived her in Paris."
"Thanks Dad!"
"No problem, backseat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85j7to/dad_why_is_my_sister_called_paris/
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Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Probably not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85j6rs/do_infants_enjoy_infancy_as_much_as_adults_enjoy/
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Do you know how to avoid a clickbait?

Obviously not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85j6dh/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_a_clickbait/
%
XX for Female XY for male, but why is there XXX for porn star?

It’s because of all the extra DNA in them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85j19e/xx_for_female_xy_for_male_but_why_is_there_xxx/
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What do you call a bee that lives in America?

A USB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85iw0n/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_lives_in_america/
%
Nazi general: " Soldier, why did you put a American in the oven before the 9 Jews?"

" Sir, I was greasing the oven!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85iux0/nazi_general_soldier_why_did_you_put_a_american/
%
Did you hear about the depressed French chef?

He'd lost the huile d'olive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ipzh/did_you_hear_about_the_depressed_french_chef/
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A man discovers a strange tradition at a resort

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.
“Yes, we have this tradition here where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’”
The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine.
The man saw toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.
There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight”
Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food.
He went around the whole resort but he only ever found a line for breakfast and for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30.
Confused and hungry, the man found the employee and asked:
“Where’s the lunchline?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85imtv/a_man_discovers_a_strange_tradition_at_a_resort/
%
Guy is drinking alone at the bar, visibly sad.

The bartender comes up to him and says: "Hey man, you seem down. What's up?"
The guy replies: "We buried my dad two days ago".
The bartender says: "I'm so sorry man. When did he die?".
The guy replies: "I don't know, probably yesterday".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ig0o/guy_is_drinking_alone_at_the_bar_visibly_sad/
%
2 guys are hiding a bomb under a car.

Guy 1  - What if the bomb goes off while we're still under the car.
Guy 2 - Don't worry, I've got a second one in my backpack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ifg6/2_guys_are_hiding_a_bomb_under_a_car/
%
An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85if80/an_english_man_german_french_and_italian_are/
%
After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...

They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ie24/after_my_wife_died_of_a_heart_attack_i_didnt_want/
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As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden

The plot thickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85icsd/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ic12/there_is_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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A man walks into a bar

and orders a beer. The bartender goes to serve him his beer, but says: "Here's your beer, but you better drink that fast, because the black knight is coming soon.". The man doesn't take note and slowly drinks his beer. When finished, he orders a new beer. The bartender again: "Alright, but this time you'd better hurry up, the black knight is coming soon." and gives hem the beer.
At that exact moment, the door slams open with a loud bang and the biggest black guy the man has ever seen appears in the doorway, completely dressed in black. Everybody in the bar dives below the tables, the bartender runs out the back door, the bar goes completely silent. The only person still sitting in his place is the man.
With large strides the black man approaches the man and says: "Get down on your knees.". Terrified, the man does as he's told, climbs down from his bar stool and gets down on his knees in front of the huge black man. The black man unzips his pants and continues: "Start sucking.". So the man reluctantly starts sucking off the black man.
"Faster.", says the black man, so the man starts going faster. "Even faster.", says the black man, and the man starts going even faster. "Go faster!" goes the black man, and the man sucks as fast as he possibly can, still terrified. "Go faster!", the black man shouts. The man looks up and says: "I can't go faster! Why do you want me to go so fast?" The black guy responds: "You need to hurry up, the black knight is coming soon.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85iba4/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch?

Names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85i8ka/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_no_arms_and_an_eye/
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What do you get if you cross a dog and a calculator?

A friend you can count on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85i5ms/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_dog_and_a/
%
Two blondes in a helicopter

Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85hzu7/two_blondes_in_a_helicopter/
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Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85hs92/communism_jokes_are_not_funny/
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So my crush wants a guy with a phd

And apparently that doesn't mean pretty huge debt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85hq5l/so_my_crush_wants_a_guy_with_a_phd/
%
Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other... Slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85hodp/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_playground/
%
How do you call a jewish pokemon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85hnii/how_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
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My girlfriend is a porn star.

She will kill me if she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85hmj0/my_girlfriend_is_a_porn_star/
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I met a beautiful girl down at the park today.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we ended up having sex right there and then.
I fucking love my new Taser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85hmfa/i_met_a_beautiful_girl_down_at_the_park_today/
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I gave away all my old batteries yesterday

They were free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85hlno/i_gave_away_all_my_old_batteries_yesterday/
%
Today my daughter asked me, "Dad, how do stars die?"

I replied , "Usually an overdose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85hlm5/today_my_daughter_asked_me_dad_how_do_stars_die/
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A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner.....

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85hiw6/a_priest_was_being_honoured_at_his_retirement/
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Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85hbcl/why_is_almond_milk_called_almond_milk/
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Making Sure

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85hau1/making_sure/
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A bee, a fly, and a mosquito signed up for a website that sometimes stings, usually stinks, and mostly sucks. What website is this?

BuzzFeed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85h6zj/a_bee_a_fly_and_a_mosquito_signed_up_for_a/
%
Did you know Pinocchio has a brother?

His name is Pistachio, every time he lies his nuts grow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85h2b0/did_you_know_pinocchio_has_a_brother/
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Sex after death

*Sex After Death*
----------------------------------------
A Parsi  couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
*"Manijeh........Manijeh,*
*Is that you, Dara?"*
*"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."*
*"That's wonderful. What's it like?"*
*"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.*
*Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."*
*"Oh, Dara ! Are you in Heaven?"*
*"No, I'm a goat somewhere in Pakistan...!!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85gzvk/sex_after_death/
%
My mom always calls me by my rapper name.

"get over here lil shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85gopn/my_mom_always_calls_me_by_my_rapper_name/
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What’s the difference between a girl and a washing machine?

The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for 2 weeks when you dump a load in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85gk9n/whats_the_difference_between_a_girl_and_a_washing/
%
I’ll always remember where my wife and I had our first kiss

It was on the mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ggu8/ill_always_remember_where_my_wife_and_i_had_our/
%
Dad joke

I’m proud of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ggqn/dad_joke/
%
Jokes on reddit are like Russian presidents

We keep using the same one, but everyone kind of seems ok with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85gg74/jokes_on_reddit_are_like_russian_presidents/
%
Jane and Tarzan

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong. I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick, right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Checking for bees!" said Tarzan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85gey8/jane_and_tarzan/
%
My girl told me that's she leaving me because I'm too cocky

I told her to close the door on your way back in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85g81c/my_girl_told_me_thats_she_leaving_me_because_im/
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A Man Dies and Goes to Hell [NSFW]

The Devil walks up to him and says, "Hey buddy, Welcome to Hell! I know you've probably heard quite a few bad things about us, but it's really not that bad down here."
As they begin the tour the man notices that everything he sees has something to do with food. After asking about it the devil says "Oh yeah, It's like this every Monday in Hell. Delicious food as far as the eye can see. All you can eat buffets, the whole nine yards."
They stop then the devil grins and says, "Hey, do you like gambling?"
"Like it?" The man says, "It was probably my favorite thing to do while I was still alive."
The visibly ecstatic Devil yells out "Awesome, because that's Tuesdays in Hell! All gambling, all day. Roulette, Black Jack, Poker, Horse Races, Anything and Everything worth betting money on."
Realizing he was on a role, the Devil snaps his fingers and says "Hey, do you like being Raped?"
"What? No that's terrible!"
"Mmmmmmmmmm" groaned the deflated Devil, "You're not going to like Wednesdays then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85g7kb/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell_nsfw/
%
What do you call a limp snake?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85g4df/what_do_you_call_a_limp_snake/
%
A couple with a rough patch go to councelling

A married couple hit a rough patch, so they book to see a relationship counsellor. The counsellor tries a few therapy techniques, but nothing works, it's like talking to two brick walls. Finally, he picks up a bass guitar and starts to play, simple at first, then gradually more and more intricate. The couple look at each other while he's playing, not sure what's going on, then they break the ice, and start opening up to each other. After a while, they'd turned a corner and started to feel better. The counsellor finished playing, and put down the bass. As they were wrapping up the appointment, the couple thanked the counsellor, but asked him why on earth he picked up the bass halfway through their session.
"Everyone talks during the bass solo."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85g3hy/a_couple_with_a_rough_patch_go_to_councelling/
%
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85g212/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_yesterday/
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My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side...

So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ft1z/my_wife_said_i_needed_to_get_more_in_touch_with/
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What’s the difference between a poorly-dress man on a bicycle, and a well dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.
Actually wait, there’s two differences.
Attire, and a tire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85fncg/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorlydress_man_on/
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I think I watch to much porn. My wife said what position do you want to try?

My answer was POV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85fmjs/i_think_i_watch_to_much_porn_my_wife_said_what/
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What happened to the spaghetti at the end of it's life?

It pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85fkjc/what_happened_to_the_spaghetti_at_the_end_of_its/
%
My self-driving car keeps getting pulled over...

...I knew I shouldn't have got it in black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85fael/my_selfdriving_car_keeps_getting_pulled_over/
%
What do you say to a one-legged hitch hiker?

Hop in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85fa6s/what_do_you_say_to_a_onelegged_hitch_hiker/
%
Someone told me if you take a snail out of its shell, it'll move faster.

But actually, it just makes them more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85f7my/someone_told_me_if_you_take_a_snail_out_of_its/
%
I heard one of the most compelling speeches today.

Last night, I went to the theater to see the night show. It was a ventriloquist who specialized in blonde jokes.
*"...so the blind man said 'Not if I have to explain it five times!'"*
The audience roared with laughter with the puppet, but it died out as a blonde woman walked onto the stage, and took the mic from the puppet.
"I think I speak for all blondes in the audience when I say that these jokes can be very offensive," she began. "You, and many other comedians make jokes at the expense of us blondes."
"How is it fair that ethnic and gender jokes are the ones that cause riots, but blondes can be laughed at with no consequences? We have endured heckling as merciless as jokes regarding racism and sexism. Your act is rude, and no one has called you out on it... until now. I request you find your humor elsewhere."
The ventriloquist was amazed. "Wow," he said. "Your speech touched me. Of course I can sto-"
The blonde interrupted. "You stay out of this! I'm talking to the little idiot on your knee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85f4mt/i_heard_one_of_the_most_compelling_speeches_today/
%
The job of your dreams

Do you want to drive a vehicle worth $100,000?
Do you want a corner office with windows?
Do you love to travel?
If so, then become a bus driver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85f4j7/the_job_of_your_dreams/
%
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85f1yy/my_wife_and_i_were_woken_up_at_3am_by_loud/
%
I’m not sure about abortion....

I mean I’m all for killing babies, but giving women a choice worries me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85f1yu/im_not_sure_about_abortion/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85f098/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
What do you call 5 white guys on a bench?

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ezh9/what_do_you_call_5_white_guys_on_a_bench/
%
A man and his wife die in a car accident.

The man is greeted by Death. "Choose your game", says Death, "win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die".
As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man.
As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.
As the next hand is drawn, the man is starting to feel nervous. He notices deaths scythe propped against the wall and as death lifts his cards to look, he can see their full reflection in the scythe.
He starts winning, hand by hand, folding some, winning others, losing a few in between so death doesn't cotton on to his method.
Slowly, but surely, he's got death by the balls, a couple more hands and he's won.
"You know, I don't know how you've done it", says Death, "but you're actually going to beat me".
*Not this hand*, thinks the man. He's seen Death has a pair of Kings and he's going to have to fold and wait for the next one.
"Good news from above too, seems like your wife has pulled through, she's going to be alright."
The man takes a moment, then says...
"All in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85eysn/a_man_and_his_wife_die_in_a_car_accident/
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Democracy in Russia

I bet you were expecting more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85et6c/democracy_in_russia/
%
A Porto citizen dies and goes to Hell

The Devil observes that he is comfortable. He says: 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' to which the portuense replies: 'Back in Portugal we usually have lost of forest fires, so this isn't that bad'
The devil decides that he isn't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room, the devil finds him in beach-mode drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourself?', to which he replies: 'You should've seen the fires we had last summer, this isn't that bad'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The portuense doesn't mind the heat because he's lived it his full life. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the tripeiro. He gets there and finds him wailling tearing the room to pieces
The devil is content with himself: 'I knew it was a risk, but disrupting hell's ecosystem is worth it just to see you mad. I just wonder why it was the cold that did it...'
'It wasn't the cold, dipshit! If hell froze over, than it means benfica finally won another european cup'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85eskp/a_porto_citizen_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
The largest bounce house in the world is around 10,000 feet, big enough to live in...

But the rent is pretty high due to inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85elze/the_largest_bounce_house_in_the_world_is_around/
%
My stoner friend didn't have any rolling papers so he asked if he could use my to-do list.

He was high on my list of priorities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85eizg/my_stoner_friend_didnt_have_any_rolling_papers_so/
%
Why do white girls always walk in pairs of threes?

Because they literally can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ehtf/why_do_white_girls_always_walk_in_pairs_of_threes/
%
There's a new sex position called "Parcelforce"

You stay in all day and no-one comes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85egm6/theres_a_new_sex_position_called_parcelforce/
%
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress

, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.
That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, "You are the woman of  my life. I love you." Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
The married woman:
I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings,
stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85eftl/three_women_one_engaged_one_married_and_one_a/
%
Vladimir Putin was just re-elected.

He won 134% of the vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85efkz/vladimir_putin_was_just_reelected/
%
TIL England doesn't have a kidney bank

But it does have a Liverpool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85eajt/til_england_doesnt_have_a_kidney_bank/
%
I put my phone on airplane mode.

I threw it and it didn't fly...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85e94m/i_put_my_phone_on_airplane_mode/
%
Did you hear about Paul Walker on the radio?

And the dashboard and pretty much the rest of the interior

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85e73y/did_you_hear_about_paul_walker_on_the_radio/
%
An atheist dies and goes to hell.

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit."
They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys."
The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere.
They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?"
The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85e2f6/an_atheist_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
I was feeling Cold last night

Apparently Cold has now joined the #metoo movement and I am now facing charges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85e0f7/i_was_feeling_cold_last_night/
%
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people's expenses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85dxo9/the_opposite_of_selfdeprecating_humor_is/
%
What do you call a gun loving, Christian rock band?

Guns N' Moses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85dqwh/what_do_you_call_a_gun_loving_christian_rock_band/
%
There are 2 types of people.

The 88% that is normal and the 22% that is retarded.
I'm happy that i'm in that 88%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85dq2v/there_are_2_types_of_people/
%
Three world famous conductors walk into a bar

A fan comes up to them and asks them, “What’s your secret to being such a successful conductor?”
Conductor 1: I just always remember to stay calm and do what I practiced
Conductor 2: I always think about doing it for my family
Conductor three stares at them with a confused look
He says, “ I don’t know what you guys are doing, I’m usually busy making sure I’m not holding onto my electrons to tightly”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85dk58/three_world_famous_conductors_walk_into_a_bar/
%
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85dgn0/the_nurse_at_the_sperm_bank_asked_me_if_id_like/
%
I wish that I could finish my time travel project

And I also wish that I would stop bugging me yesterday while I'm working on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85dar6/i_wish_that_i_could_finish_my_time_travel_project/
%
Definition of a good date

Three female room mates come back from three different dates, the first two arrived at the same time, both with miserable looks on their faces. They asked each other how their dates were.
"Terrible," said the first, "he wouldn't stop talking about himself. I nearly fell asleep in my meal."
"Well mine was no better." Said the second. "She took me to a horrible dive bar and a fight broke out. Mood. Killed."
At this point the door opened and the third roommate walked in.
"Hi. How was your date? I hope to god it was better than ours."
The third roommate reached under her skirt, took off her panties and slapped them against the wall, where they stuck.
"Yup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85d75p/definition_of_a_good_date/
%
"Alright, I need a doctors appointment tommorow."

The receptionist asks, "Ok, how about 10 tommorow?"
To which I reply, "I don't need that many."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85cx6q/alright_i_need_a_doctors_appointment_tommorow/
%
A man on vacation

is jogging down the beach one morning when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs laying on a beach towel. She calls him over and says
"I've never been hugged before, will you hug me?" Feeling sorry for this woman, he picks her up and hugs her tight, before continuing on his jog.
The next day he's jogging down the beach again and sees the same woman, she calls him over once again and says
"Thank you for hugging me yesterday, but I have another request: I've never been kissed before, will you kiss me?" He’s a little taken back by this request, but once again feeling sorry for her; he leans down and give her a pec on the lips.
The very next day, the final of his vacation, he's jogging down the beach for the final time and sees her once again. Just like the previous two days she calls him over and says
"I’m very embarrassed to say I have one final request I want to ask of you: I’ve never made love before, will you please make love to me?"
The man looks at her and smiles. Without a second thought he picks her up, throws her in the water and says "there, now you're fucked!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85cvjc/a_man_on_vacation/
%
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“Sculpter, artist or window cleaner”
“But which of the three do you want to be the most?”
“I don’t care as long as i get to see naked women”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85cviq/what_do_you_want_to_be_when_you_grow_up/
%
A nun is doing her rounds around town. . .

. . .when she turns the corner near a bar, only to collide with a mean-looking, stumbling drunk. The drunk flies into a rage, and punches her in the face. He then kicks her square in the gut, and begins to brutally pummel her head and face as she doubles over.
Within a minute, she is reduced to a quivering, sobbing mess on the sidewalk. The drunk spits on the nun, and sneers.
"Yeah. . .not so fuckin' tough NOW, eh Batman?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85crmk/a_nun_is_doing_her_rounds_around_town/
%
A doctor had news to his patient

“I have good news and bad news for you” Says the doctor
“Give me the bad news first”
“I had to amputate both of your legs”
“And the good news?” Says the patient
“I’ll buy your shoes for $100”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85cqbs/a_doctor_had_news_to_his_patient/
%
Set Your Wi-Fi Password to 77777777555555333311

So when someone ask tell them it's 87654321

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85cpxn/set_your_wifi_password_to_77777777555555333311/
%
What kind of shoes does a Ninja wear?

Sneakers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85cotu/what_kind_of_shoes_does_a_ninja_wear/
%
A guy goes out and gets blackout drunk..

He wakes up the next day and realizes he lost his wallet.
All he can remember about the bar was the red door out front and the golden toilet in the back.
He goes to every bar in town until he finds one with a red door.
He goes in and asks the bartender, “hey man I got really drunk last night and lost my wallet... all I remember is your red door and golden toilet... any chance you remember me?”
Bartender says, “yeah you were here last night” then yells to the back, “hey Frank found the guy that shit in your tuba.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85cm8n/a_guy_goes_out_and_gets_blackout_drunk/
%
Irishman is on his deathbed...

Irishman is on his deathbed and he is laying there beckoning God to come take him soon for he has lived a long life. "Lord take me now!" He exclaims. As he is laying on his death bed he smells a familiar smell. "I know what that is! It is my Miss's oatmeal cookies. I would do anything for me miss's oatmeal cookies!" So he climbs out of bed and climbs down the stairs and crawls out to the kitchen. He reaches up to get a cookie and the miss's catches him. She smacks his hand with the spatula and says, "Fuck off! They're for your funeral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85cm3h/irishman_is_on_his_deathbed/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer.

He is doing some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ckv5/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
What do you call a room full of cynical plumbers?

A skeptic tank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85cjym/what_do_you_call_a_room_full_of_cynical_plumbers/
%
What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.
From my 7 year old son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85cj3g/what_did_one_ocean_say_to_the_other/
%
Genie : What's your first wish?

Dave : I wish I was rich.
Genie:Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85cgb5/genie_whats_your_first_wish/
%
[NSFW] Women are like squaring numbers...

... If they're under 13 you do them in your head
(Credit to bo burnham)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85cei5/nsfw_women_are_like_squaring_numbers/
%
Why are lawyers buried 15 feet deep in the ground when they die?

Because deep down they are good people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85cbzi/why_are_lawyers_buried_15_feet_deep_in_the_ground/
%
I met a beautiful girl down at the park today

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we ended up having sex right there and then.
I fucking love my new Taser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85cbcg/i_met_a_beautiful_girl_down_at_the_park_today/
%
Police came up to my window and said “papers”

I said “scissors, I win” and drove off
He must want a rematch because he’s been chasing me for 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85camr/police_came_up_to_my_window_and_said_papers/
%
Four guys out golfing and talking about their sons.

4 older guys were out golfing. As they were waiting for their companion to find his ball that went into the rough, the other 3 started talking about their sons.
The first man said "My son's been doing pretty good lately. He was never too studious but he was always a people person and had the gift of being able to sell stuff. He's been the top BMW salesman in the area for the past 5 years and finally became co-owner of the dealership. He's been doing so good that the other day he was able to give his best friend a brand new car!"
The second man nodded and started describing his son. "Well my son was always really good at math and drawing growing up, so he ended up going to school for architecture. He started up a small construction firm with some friends after they graduated and within the past 5 years it's really blown up. Even with the housing market being somewhat down they've managed to get bigger and bigger every year. In fact, this past year they were so successful that my son was able to build a house that he gave to his best friend for free!"
The third man looked impressed and began to talk about his son."Well my son was never really smart and has never managed to hold down a job for longer than 6 months. Fortunately for my wife and I, he's somehow the luckiest dumbass on the planet. When he was younger he'd always end up winning a few thousand dollars at the casino every few months, so we would never really have to help him out financially. Then he ended up winning that Powerball jackpot a few months back, which ended up being $48 million dollars after taxes! He's got so much money now he just gives us all kinds of expensive gifts whenever we see him. In fact, hes got so much money he gave his best friend $1 million dollars!"
A ball sailed out of the rough, landing near the three men, and the fourth man finally emerged from the tall grass, never finding his ball. The first man said "Hey, how has your son been doing?" The fourth man sighed and reluctantly started talking. "Well, it's been kind of a sensitive topic over the years, but it's gotten better as of late. Now me, I could care less but my wife is really religious and not too forward thinking. So as you can imagine, it was really hard when our son came out as gay to us 5 years ago. Anyway, it's been tough but he's happy, so that's all I care about. In fact, he's got these three boyfriends that are always doing pretty great stuff for him. One gave him a BMW, one built him a house, and the other gave him $1 million dollars!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85c87d/four_guys_out_golfing_and_talking_about_their_sons/
%
I for one don't see a problem with reposting on this sub

Unless you can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85c3di/i_for_one_dont_see_a_problem_with_reposting_on/
%
[NSFW] I had to dump my girlfriend after she asked to finger my ass.

I'm not really into beastiality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85c1fl/nsfw_i_had_to_dump_my_girlfriend_after_she_asked/
%
“I handle important transactions for a large multinational company”...

... is what a tell my Mum instead of saying I work at McDonald’s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85c0m5/i_handle_important_transactions_for_a_large/
%
Here's a funny joke about people who procrastinate

I'll post it tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bx8x/heres_a_funny_joke_about_people_who_procrastinate/
%
I was so worried about my AIDS test...

so I crammed the night before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bvb7/i_was_so_worried_about_my_aids_test/
%
I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.

I took a tern for the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bvah/i_thought_i_saw_a_sausage_fly_past_my_window_but/
%
My dad told me to fuck both of you

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.
While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".
"You're lying" they retort.
Okay, I'll prove it then, "Dad, did you say both of them?"
"what's the point of fucking one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bv2f/my_dad_told_me_to_fuck_both_of_you/
%
What’s fast but doesn’t weigh very much?

Light speed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85br8i/whats_fast_but_doesnt_weigh_very_much/
%
How do spiders find their food?

On the web

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bqyo/how_do_spiders_find_their_food/
%
After years of poor yields, Old McDonald had to sell his farm

to cover what he e-i-e-i owed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bpqv/after_years_of_poor_yields_old_mcdonald_had_to/
%
Why does Santa Claus have blueballs?

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bngr/why_does_santa_claus_have_blueballs/
%
On the roof of a very tall building are four men

One is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white.
The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn.
The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bmrx/on_the_roof_of_a_very_tall_building_are_four_men/
%
My girlfriend and I have sex an average of twice a week.

I have sex zero times a week and she has it four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bmks/my_girlfriend_and_i_have_sex_an_average_of_twice/
%
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bltg/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
%
WARNING: Adblock makes you unattractive to women.

I just installed it and now all the horny singles in my area have suddenly lost interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bl8v/warning_adblock_makes_you_unattractive_to_women/
%
What does a vegan zombie eat?

Ggrrraaaaiiinnnnssssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bjoe/what_does_a_vegan_zombie_eat/
%
What do you call two dentists that live on the opposite side of the world?

Molar opposites

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bgkp/what_do_you_call_two_dentists_that_live_on_the/
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I made a robot who changes people into the opposite sex.

I guess he's a trans former

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bf0y/i_made_a_robot_who_changes_people_into_the/
%
I wish I could be poor for just one day.

Because this being poor every day bullshit just fucking sucks!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bex4/i_wish_i_could_be_poor_for_just_one_day/
%
Soy milk

Hola milk
Soy papa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85bd8w/soy_milk/
%
A washbasin is trying to enter your house.

Let that sink in.
(Daniel Maier)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85b88p/a_washbasin_is_trying_to_enter_your_house/
%
Two wives ho out for girls' night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says
"No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties."
"You think you have it bad?" says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85b7ep/two_wives_ho_out_for_girls_night/
%
Why was the skydiver sad?

Deploying the parachute was such a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85b6l7/why_was_the_skydiver_sad/
%
Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That’s a very low goal. Have some ambition
Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That’s right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....
Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85b5tp/child_dad_i_want_to_be_a_plumber_when_i_grow_up/
%
Two nuns are biking down a cobblestone path...

...when one nun says to the other, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun replies, "Must be the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85b5j2/two_nuns_are_biking_down_a_cobblestone_path/
%
Who was the first plagiarist?

Moses.
.
.
He ^could ^^control ^^^c

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85b551/who_was_the_first_plagiarist/
%
A friend came over to mine and my girlfriend's house.

As soon as we let him in, I could see by the shock in his eyes that he'd noticed my girlfriend's tremendous weight gain. He leant in and whispered to me, "What happened to her!? She must weigh about 7 tonnes!"
I just turned to him and shook my head vigorously in defiance.
I didn't want to talk about the elephant in the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85b3ka/a_friend_came_over_to_mine_and_my_girlfriends/
%
The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.
=
Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.
=
The team lines up on the platform...
=
6 --
5 --
4 --
3 --
2 --
1 --     ,   ,   ,   ,   ,   ,
=
The starter pistol fires...
***BAM!!!***
=
And they jump!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Up, up and...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
19 --     ,   ,   '   ,  '
18 --
17 --  ,
=
Not a great start by the team from Muts-4-Homes! They reach a small way up the measure with an 17.8ft average. Number 1 really letting the team down there.
=
Team 2 from Mr Wong's frightfully overgrown backyard take stage...
=
6 --
5 --
4 --
3 --
2 --
1 --     ,   ,   ,   ,   ,   ,
=
The starter pistol fires...
***BAM!!!***
=
And they jump with tremendous force!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Up, faster and faster...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Like 6 little bullets...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wind flapping their little legs around as they rush through the air, and...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
46 --    '   ,   ,   '   ,    '
45 --
44 --
=
A solid jump and very unexpected! They reach near the top of the measure with an 45.9ft average. Not bad at all.
=
Team 3 from the Nut Valley Mental Asylum line up on the platform...
=
6 --
5 --
4 --
3 --
2 --
1 --     ,   ,   ,   ,   ,   ,
=
The starter pistol fires...
***BAM!!!***
=
And together, in perfect unison, they leap into the air!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Up, ^up, ^^up. Accelerating through the air with perpetual motion...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Faster than any other contenders have ever travelled before...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Higher and higher...
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
Further and further...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Breaking the sound barrier with a sonic *BOOM*...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Past birds, planes and clouds...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Up and up. Beyond the tropo-sphere...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Up, ^up, ^^up... Past the strato-sphere... and...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
**POW**, out of earth's atmosphere all together...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Cutting through space like 6 photons freshly shot out of the sun...
.
.
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With unbelievable elegance...
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And inconceivable speed...
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They travel further and further into space...
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Until...
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¦   ¦   ¦   ¦   ¦   ¦
,   ,   ,   ,   ,   ,
_ _ _ - - - _ _ _
- -                   - -
/   (  )               .-.    \
/   o    .     (   )                \
=
With a double backflip in perfect unison, they land perfectly on the moon, as immaculately as they took off from earth. An incredible jump. Truly the best the competition has ever witnessed!
=
"We’ve been tricked", said one of the other contestants, "They’re not fleas at all! They’re luna-ticks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85b255/the_flea_jumping_competition_begins/
%
A little girl walks into a pet shop

and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85b0k6/a_little_girl_walks_into_a_pet_shop/
%
I swapped our bed out for a trampoline...

When my wife found out, she really hit the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85asxv/i_swapped_our_bed_out_for_a_trampoline/
%
What do cale and pubes have in common?

You move both of them to the side and keep eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85arlh/what_do_cale_and_pubes_have_in_common/
%
My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex

Just this morning she asked me "Is that the best you can do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85aqwj/my_daughter_has_gotten_to_the_age_where_she_asks/
%
Bull story

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85aqmv/bull_story/
%
I gave my brother ten puns to make him laugh.

But they couldn't make him laugh, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85aplo/i_gave_my_brother_ten_puns_to_make_him_laugh/
%
Today I found out my buddy Vlad is a serial killer...

...so I said: "Vladizlav, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ann1/today_i_found_out_my_buddy_vlad_is_a_serial_killer/
%
“Now how’s he going to read the newspaper, all rolled up like that?"

...thought the spider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85aj2y/now_hows_he_going_to_read_the_newspaper_all/
%
A father and his son were watching TV together

When a sex scene came on. "well son, time for bed" the father says. "but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains. The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85aeim/a_father_and_his_son_were_watching_tv_together/
%
Jokes on reddit are like US presidents.

You might see a new one every four years or so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85ae4c/jokes_on_reddit_are_like_us_presidents/
%
Why are our arse cracks vertical?

Because if they where horizontal. You would clap walking up stairs..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85a9nq/why_are_our_arse_cracks_vertical/
%
A person who speaks two languages is bilingual!

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
An American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85a4hk/a_person_who_speaks_two_languages_is_bilingual/
%
A guy walks into a library...

A man walks in to a library and asks the librarian, "MAY I HAVE A HOTDOG?" The librarian whispers, "sir, this is a library." The man answers, "I'm so sorry" now whispering the man says,"may I have a hotdog?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85a47y/a_guy_walks_into_a_library/
%
I wish I could be poor for one day,

Because this being poor every day thing sucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85a34d/i_wish_i_could_be_poor_for_one_day/
%
You wanna know something that's really trippy?

Uneven sidewalks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85a1d0/you_wanna_know_something_thats_really_trippy/
%
I've got a drinking problem.

I just ran out of beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85a15i/ive_got_a_drinking_problem/
%
Condom does not guarantee safe sex..

..My friend got shot by the woman's husband while he was wearing one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85a14u/condom_does_not_guarantee_safe_sex/
%
Happiness is like peeing in your pants

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859vue/happiness_is_like_peeing_in_your_pants/
%
Don't spell part backwards!!

It's a trap!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859vhx/dont_spell_part_backwards/
%
If there's 10 things I'm good at it's...

• Making lists
• Binary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859usk/if_theres_10_things_im_good_at_its/
%
St. Patrick's Day so I'll tell you about Father Patrick...

Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest, he *hated* the English.  His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!"  He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this.
Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again assigned the English to the nether regions, and he took Father Patrick aside after the service.  "Father, your example of uncharitable language after so many warnings is intolerable.  If you ever presume upon the judgment of God concerning your Christian brothers in Great Britain again, I will have to suspend your pastoral faculties and we will address this incivility with all other appropriate measures."
"My Lord, forgive me, 'twill not happen again."
All was well at Mass the next day, and the following day, Father Patrick was celebrating Holy Thursday Mass, and recounting the Scriptural narrative of Jesus predicting his betrayal by a disciple.
"And Matthew asked, 'LORD, IS IT ME?'"  "No, Matthew, it's not you."
"And Peter asked, 'LORD, IS IT ME?'"  "No, Peter, it's not you."
"And Judas asked, 'GOR BLIMEY, GUV'NOR, IS IT ME?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859r68/st_patricks_day_so_ill_tell_you_about_father/
%
I was gonna post a time travel joke

But after seeing how many times it been reposted, i think it can wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859ojh/i_was_gonna_post_a_time_travel_joke/
%
Just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859nvi/just_burned_2000_calories/
%
Atheism....

...is a non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859nt1/atheism/
%
Today I learned how to read Braille.

It might look intimidating at first, but once you get a feel for it it's pretty easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859nnm/today_i_learned_how_to_read_braille/
%
The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar.

Things got a little tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859nl4/the_future_the_present_and_the_past_walked_into_a/
%
Why does the Mexican Air Force stress out Donald Trump?

Bc he can’t stand the sound of twenty Juan pilots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859ju6/why_does_the_mexican_air_force_stress_out_donald/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859jhz/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Have you guys heard about the irish boomerang?

it never returns but it constantly sings songs about how it wants to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859j0w/have_you_guys_heard_about_the_irish_boomerang/
%
A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final exam

. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, “Using every thing you’ve learned in this course to prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST.”
Students diligently put their pencils and pens to work creating volumes of text proving that this chair doesn’t exist. All except for one student. He spends fifteen seconds writing his answer, then turns his final to the teacher. This astonishes his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades based off the exam. To the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for fifteen seconds gets the highest grade in the class. He wrote “What chair?”. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859ii6/a_philosophy_professor_walks_in_to_give_his_class/
%
The biggest fear of flat-Earthers...

...is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859g6n/the_biggest_fear_of_flatearthers/
%
Yo Mama's so generous...

...she gave you an extra helping of chromosomes.
^^^OriginalJoke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859g6l/yo_mamas_so_generous/
%
I went to a Porn Addicts Anonymous meeting today.

What a bunch of wankers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859fvx/i_went_to_a_porn_addicts_anonymous_meeting_today/
%
Hillary Clinton found out that Bill was getting it on with Monica Lewinsky.

She shrugged her shoulders and said "Better her than me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859f8a/hillary_clinton_found_out_that_bill_was_getting/
%
What does a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking,"Mom is gonna kill me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/859aa8/what_does_a_pregnant_teen_and_her_baby_have_in/
%
What's the difference between purple and pink?

The grip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8599fk/whats_the_difference_between_purple_and_pink/
%
My brother-in-law is missing half of his hand due to a horrific logging injury,

so I asked him do you get half off when you get your palm read?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85980m/my_brotherinlaw_is_missing_half_of_his_hand_due/
%
A black man walked into a bar

With a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender saw this and said “Wow that looks exotic, where’d ya get it?”
“Africa”, the parrot responded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8596wu/a_black_man_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Three men shipwrecked

Three men are shipwrecked on an island infested with cannibals. They were brought to the cannibal king who tells the three men that they must complete a series of tests so that they will not be eaten. The first task, he tells them to bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit. So they go out to scavenger the island.
The first man brings back apples and is told for the next task, he must shove all 10 up his butt without a noise or emotion. He gets one and a half up there before he screams and gets killed and eaten.
The second man comes back with 10 berries and told of the same task. As he is about to get the 10th and final berry in, he bursts out in laughter and gets killed and eaten.
Up in heaven the first man meets the second man and asked why he laughed since he was so close to freedom. He replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the other guy walk in with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8596qt/three_men_shipwrecked/
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When you hear someone else tell a joke you saw on r/frontpage...

You Reddit before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85921v/when_you_hear_someone_else_tell_a_joke_you_saw_on/
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kids at wedding

kid: Mom, why does the bride wear white clothes?
mother: because it is the happiest day in her life.
kid: So, why the groom is wearing black?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8590ap/kids_at_wedding/
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What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85900j/whats_blue_and_doesnt_weigh_much/
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The nature of Reddit ingrained throughout history

The Latin word Reddo means to return.
This means that Reddit means "it returns"
and Redditor means "one who returns".
This makes a lot of sense, because when you see a post on Reddit, it returns, it returns, it returns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858zy6/the_nature_of_reddit_ingrained_throughout_history/
%
I had an Irish seven-course meal for St. Patrick’s Day

A six-pack of beer and a potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858zgf/i_had_an_irish_sevencourse_meal_for_st_patricks/
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A Jewish man traveled to a small mountain island

He was greeted at the harbor by a friendly resident who took him on a tour of the town. As they were walking, they heard a squeal and saw a small furry creature falling down the mountain, tumbling past them before rolling to a stop. The Jewish man looked on in astonishment at this exotic creature.
"Good islander, what kind of animal is that?" he asked.
"That's what we here in the village call a Trid," the islander explained.
"What a truly fascinating creature. Do they normally come tumbling into the village like that?"
The islander sighed. "Unfortunately, yes. You see, at the top of this mountain there is a thriving population of Trids. For years they lived peacefully, until a terrible ogre came along. This ogre finds no greater delight than when he sends Trids tumbling down the mountainside."
The Jewish man was shocked. Such cruelty simply could not be tolerated. "I will go to this ogre and speak with him. It's only right that someone should try to help such innocent creatures."
"You can try," the islander said, "but nothing you say will be able to help the Trids."
The Jewish man ignored him and journeyed up the mountain. Three times on his way up, the Jewish man saw helpless Trids being callously tossed over the mountainside and tumbling to the coast below. As he reached the summit, a terrible ogre came lumbered into view. The Trids around the mountaintop scattered, but not quickly enough. The ogre reached down and snatched a Trid from the ground,  tossing it into the air before viciously kicking it over the mountain. The Jewish man looked on in disbelief before working up the courage to confront the terrible beast.
"Ogre," he called, "I am a traveler and a leader within my faith. I've come to ask you why you harm these creatures with such vicious acts."
The ogre turned, sneering at the man with a horrible grin of mismatched teeth. "You come to question me, man?" the beast snarled. "I care not for the feelings of these Trids. My only joy is kicking them over the mountain and watching them climb back up."
The Jewish man knew that such a malicious ogre could never be convinced to live peacefully with the Trids. "Very well then. If your only joy is in harming others, then I will offer myself in place of these creatures. Kick me over the mountain and leave the Trids alone."
The ogre threw back its head and let loose horrendous peals of laughter. "I cannot kick you over the mountain, man. You cannot replace these creatures."
The Jewish man knew there was nothing he could do. Despair washed over him and he asked, "Why?"
The ogre turned to him, leaning down until it's terrible visage was mere inches away from his face. It's rancid breath washed over the man as it said,
"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858t8p/a_jewish_man_traveled_to_a_small_mountain_island/
%
They Just Released Stephen Hawking's Last Words

"1 percent battery life remaining. Please find nearest charger and plug in device"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858t69/they_just_released_stephen_hawkings_last_words/
%
When is a dog not a dog?

When its pure bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858py2/when_is_a_dog_not_a_dog/
%
My husband is a pharmacist and he told me there is a Viagra nasal spray.

Apparently it's for dickheads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858nxp/my_husband_is_a_pharmacist_and_he_told_me_there/
%
Google Chrome's new AdBlock ruined my sex life

There aren't any hot singles near me anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858kck/google_chromes_new_adblock_ruined_my_sex_life/
%
I was going to post a time-travel joke

But 100 people are going to repost it before I get chance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858igc/i_was_going_to_post_a_timetravel_joke/
%
When I die, I want all my exes to carry my coffin to the grave

So that they can let me down one last time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858hvk/when_i_die_i_want_all_my_exes_to_carry_my_coffin/
%
What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?

I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858hgq/what_has_6_eyes_16_tentacles_and_quacks_like_a/
%
If I found out that my son was gay, I would freak out.

Why do I have a son?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858fl2/if_i_found_out_that_my_son_was_gay_i_would_freak/
%
I killed a dentist with an axe but only got charged with manslaughter.

My lawyer said it was an axe-a-dental death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858dfk/i_killed_a_dentist_with_an_axe_but_only_got/
%
What happened to the jazz player whose wife left him?

He had to toot his own horn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858bv6/what_happened_to_the_jazz_player_whose_wife_left/
%
what do you eat at a formal event in thailand?

black thai curry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858aj4/what_do_you_eat_at_a_formal_event_in_thailand/
%
Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8586ol/canadas_starting_a_space_program_to_send_a/
%
An old lady walks into the doctors office...

She said "Doctor, I fart constantly, but they are always silent, and never smell.  In fact, I've farted 8 times since you walked in this room!"
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to come back in 2 weeks.
2 weeks later she comes in and when the doctor arrives in the exam room she says "Doctor!  I don't know what the hell you gave me, but I'm still farting all the time...they are still silent, but now they smell terrible!"
The doctor said "Great!  Now that we cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8586m4/an_old_lady_walks_into_the_doctors_office/
%
I was going to post a time traveling joke.

But you guys didn’t like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8584ey/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_traveling_joke/
%
Anyone hear the one about the three legged chess player?

Some say he's always a step ahead of the competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/858423/anyone_hear_the_one_about_the_three_legged_chess/
%
This morning, everything was coming my way

That's when I realized I had drifted into the wrong lane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8583gr/this_morning_everything_was_coming_my_way/
%
My parents taught me from birth that the coloreds and the whites should be separated.

I mean, that’s just basic laundry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8582ch/my_parents_taught_me_from_birth_that_the_coloreds/
%
It’s better to get to know God before you meet Him

Stop drop and roll doesn’t work in Hell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85825h/its_better_to_get_to_know_god_before_you_meet_him/
%
Do you want to hear a construction joke?

I'm still working on it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8581uv/do_you_want_to_hear_a_construction_joke/
%
My dad’s sister, Artica, has been very rude to everyone ever since her husband left her

It’s gotten to the point we’re we’ve had to preface every meeting with:
“Careful, Aunt Artica is very cold”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85814x/my_dads_sister_artica_has_been_very_rude_to/
%
What do you get when you jack off the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

A doughnut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/857zfh/what_do_you_get_when_you_jack_off_the_pillsbury/
%
What's the difference between a lobster with big breasts, and an old bus stop?

One is a busty crustacean, and the other is a crusty bus station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/857yct/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with_big/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/857wgt/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
What’s the difference between a hospital and a school?

I don’t know, man. I just flew the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/857r11/whats_the_difference_between_a_hospital_and_a/
%
What happened to the Irish construction worker?

He got hammered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/857r05/what_happened_to_the_irish_construction_worker/
%
What do you call an Irish conman with leprosy?

A Leper Con!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/857ojr/what_do_you_call_an_irish_conman_with_leprosy/
%
I put my root beer in a square cup

Now it’s just beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/857m1z/i_put_my_root_beer_in_a_square_cup/
%
I know most men think with their penises

But I'm not afraid to blow your mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/857llg/i_know_most_men_think_with_their_penises/
%
Best-fitting phrase for the act of having sex with a little person?

Cumming up short?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/857l81/bestfitting_phrase_for_the_act_of_having_sex_with/
%
The pope dies and arrives in heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/857joo/the_pope_dies_and_arrives_in_heaven/
%
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do standup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/857fm1/why_does_stephen_hawking_do_oneliners/
%
My friend decided to go Indoor Skydiving dressed as Peter Pan

I told him "You'll neverland!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/857atf/my_friend_decided_to_go_indoor_skydiving_dressed/
%
My wife said she is calling the UN.

Because I keep gassing my own people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8576e1/my_wife_said_she_is_calling_the_un/
%
Spiders must be...

the only web developers who like bugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8573r9/spiders_must_be/
%
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.
(Dimitry Martin)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8571je/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_same_thing/
%
According to statistics one in three people live next to a paedophile

Thankfully I just live next to some really hot 11 year olds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/856w39/according_to_statistics_one_in_three_people_live/
%
Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/856v5n/why_did_the_programmer_quit_his_job/
%
I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/856swi/i_heard_810_americans_are_bad_at_math/
%
Honeycomb and a Jackass

**Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.**
**Madame:** What can we do for you?
**Tyrion:** I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.
**Madame:** Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?
**Tyrion:** My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey...
**Madame:** And what about the third wish?
**Tyrion:** Well... she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee.
**Madame:** Well that one's not so bad eh?
**Tyrion:** Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/856pkp/honeycomb_and_a_jackass/
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I have an Irish uncle that stays outside all the time.

We call him Paddy O’ Furniture.
Happy St Paddy’s!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/856lvh/i_have_an_irish_uncle_that_stays_outside_all_the/
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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.
Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin.
=
3...^3...^^3...
2...^2... ^^2...
**1**... ^1... ^^1...
=
The foghorn sounds and they are released!
=
The infected zombie girls **CHARGE** into the arena. The girl labelled 'E' is taken out, then 'B' and 'K' both taken down.
The fight is pushed towards the edge of the arena. They smash into the fence and it gives way. The infected zombie girls break free into the crowd!
"Oh SHIT!", shouts Frank, "LET'S GO!" And he points to the scaffolding further up the stands.
Frank and Jim ascend the scaffolding and reach the top. They look into the arena as the entire crowd of spectators is completely devoured by these terrifying creatures.
Ed is stuck at the bottom, he's simply too big to climb. They watch as one of the infected girls labelled  'S' sprints at Ed faster than a bullet and consumes him in the blink of an eye.
All 50,000 spectators were dead, all except Frank and Jim.
"Fuckin' hell Frank", says Jim, "That 'S' gal ate Ed quickly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/856l0o/it_was_friday_night_frank_jim_and_ed_were_at_the/
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A boy asks a priest about God

A boy goes to his priest and asks him "Is God male or female?" The priest didn't want to lecture him about it so he just said "God is both"
The next day they boy asks him "Is God black or white?" Again the priest replied "God is both"
The next day the boy asked the priest "Is God gay or straight?" Once again the priest replied "God is both"
The next day the boy went to the priest and asked him "Father, is God Michael Jackson?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/856koo/a_boy_asks_a_priest_about_god/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I have.

Then they call me ugly and broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/856g2y/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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To the guy who hacked my reddit account...

I'm onto you, I WILL  find you,  and I WILL kill you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/856bw2/to_the_guy_who_hacked_my_reddit_account/
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I read a book about Stockholm syndrome recently...

I didn't like it at first, but by the end I loved it
Credit: my Dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/856ane/i_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome_recently/
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Online self-diognosis tests are such a joke..

I took one to see if I had ADHD and it got so boring  and repetitive I couldn't  finish it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8567i1/online_selfdiognosis_tests_are_such_a_joke/
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No matter how much you push the envelope

It will always be stationery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85637x/no_matter_how_much_you_push_the_envelope/
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Wife: You’re shirtless?

Me: Yes
Wife: And also covered in ... oil?
Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen! You never listen!
Me: Ohh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/855uf9/wife_youre_shirtless/
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How much cocaine has charley sheen snorted?

Enough to kill two and a half men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/855sou/how_much_cocaine_has_charley_sheen_snorted/
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My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish.

You might say a New England clam chowed her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/855r47/my_girlfriend_fell_off_a_fishing_boat_just_off/
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I asked the wife "How come you never tell me when you've had an orgasm?"

She said "I don't like ringing you when you're at work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/855pi5/i_asked_the_wife_how_come_you_never_tell_me_when/
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My wife said vacation sex is the best!

It was the worst postcard I ever received.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/855n2p/my_wife_said_vacation_sex_is_the_best/
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How many Muslim terrorists does it take to destroy America?

None; the NRA beat them to it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/855lpb/how_many_muslim_terrorists_does_it_take_to/
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Two good friends, a doctor and a priest, are out golfing one fine day.

They step up to tee off at the first hole. The priest drives a beautiful shot down the fairway. The doctor steps up next and fires off a worm-burner straight into the rough.
The doctor grumbles loudly, "Fuck, I missed."
The priest reproves him, "Please, Ted, don't swear in front of me."
"Sorry, Bill," the doctor apologizes.
They get to the second hole and the same scenario plays out. The priest fires off with a gorgeous shot right down the fairway while the doctor's is less than stellar, landing in the rough once more.
And once more, the doctor rattles off, "Fuck, I missed."
Yet again, the priest politely requests, "Please don't swear around me." Jokingly, he adds, "God might strike you down, you know."
"Sorry, Bill, sorry," the doctor apologizes.
At the third hole, you guessed it, the priest's tee-off is immaculate. The doctor, who clearly needs some practice, hits his worst shot so far.
He bellows, "FUCK! I MISSED!"
A bolt of lightning streaks down from the clear, blue sky and ...
... it blasts the priest into oblivion.
A loud, booming voice from the sky calls out, "Fuck! I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/855k08/two_good_friends_a_doctor_and_a_priest_are_out/
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I'd like to thank my Spanish teacher for spending so much time teaching me what mucho means

It really means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/855jwj/id_like_to_thank_my_spanish_teacher_for_spending/
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I can't believe girls at school can't wear tank tops, it's totally violates the second amendment.

Don't they have a right to bare arms?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/855e0x/i_cant_believe_girls_at_school_cant_wear_tank/
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A man stumbles into r/Jokes

He looks around, refreshing his window, switching from hot to new, from new to top. His face furrows in disgust.
"These aren't even clever, they're just repetitive, poorly executed punchlines with variations in the setup in order to get karma quick."
He calls over his eleven year old son to take a look.
"Hey what do you think of these jokes?"
His son peruses the screen as he contemplates a response.
"While these here all suck, there's actually a pretty good one in the community info."
The man's interest is peaked, so he pulls up the community info.
"Really? I don't see any jokes, what is it?"
"Reposts will be removed..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/855ddu/a_man_stumbles_into_rjokes/
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Terrorist lessons

there is a school in afghanistan where people get teached how to be a terrorist;
the first day the teacher pick up some liquids and write a formula on the chalkboard "one part the yellow liquid, 2 parts the green liquid and 25g of this black powder"
everyone take notes and see the teacher working on the ingredients till he gets some homogeneous product: "this is a powerful explosive" he says, then asks the whole class to try making it, but most fails, so he explains it again making another plastic pack of explosives, then calls it a day.
The next day the teacher has some batteries and a multitude of scrap metal pieces. "pick 10 batteries and fuse them together this way to make a powerful one, then stick two pointy edges in this way"
Everyone tried to make it, with some difficulties, the teacher isnt much impressed, he explains it again while making a lot of powered batteries, then calls it a day.
The Third day the teacher has some ropes, some jackets and the first two days products on the table, he then says: "See these jackets ? use the ropes to attach the packs of explosives to them, then wear them"
Everyone wears the jackets, then the teacher picks up the powered battery and stick the pointy edges near the explosives while saying nervously: "**NOW WATCH CAREFULLY, I CAN'T REPEAT THIS**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/855cbs/terrorist_lessons/
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Three guys go out to play golf

Just as they are teeing off, a lone player asks if he could join and make the group a four-some. After a couple of holes one of the golfers asks the mysterious man "so what you do for a living?" to which the loner replies "Me? I'm a hitman."
At first the other men were skeptical, but then the Hitman said, "you know I have the tools of the trade right here..." and he proceeded to pull a sniper rifle out of his golf bag, and handed the rifle to one of the guys, the man looked through the powerful scope. "Wow I can see my house from here!" He focused the scope. "Holy shit its my wife, and she's butt-ass naked!...Wait a minute, my neighbor is there too!
The golfer was completely distraught, and he said with some coldness,
"How much you charge for a hit?"
"$5,000 a shot" Without hesitation, the man took out a huge wad of cash "O.K. I want you to shoot my neighbor's dick off so he'll never fuck my wife again. Then shoot my wife's mouth off cause it's always yap-yap-yap-yap-yap and I've been trying to shut that hole for years."
The Hitman took aim. He waited.
and waited,
and waited...
Finally, the client said "hey, we got some golf to play, you gonna shoot or what?"
The Hitman just smiled and said "I'm about to save you five grand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/855bg9/three_guys_go_out_to_play_golf/
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What do an old vacuum cleaner and years of marriage have in common?

Loss of suction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/855900/what_do_an_old_vacuum_cleaner_and_years_of/
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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge.

"I don't think this is working. I am going to my mother's place."
I opened the door and it lit up, and it was cold.
What the hell did she mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8557i2/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_fridge/
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What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

You'll hate it as an adult if you were forced to have it as a kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85558p/what_do_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
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So there God was creating the earth.

Along comes the archangel Michael and starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?" "I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles.
"Balance?" Michael asked confused.... "How so?"
"Well, have a look. You see the two ends? They're cold, but the middle is very warm. So it balances out." God could see that Michael almost got it. "See how she spins. That gives half of it light and the other half dark. Always changing, but always balanced." Michael smiled finally getting it.
That's when a little green island caught his eye. "What's that island?"
With this, God put on an even bigger smile. "She's a beauty, isn't see? That's Ireland. Perfect weather, perfect hunting and fishing, the best beer and the most beautiful girls in the world."
Michael was impressed but said. "Its amazing, but how do you balance out something so wonderful?
God shrugged. "I put it next to England."
Happy St. Paddy's to all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85529n/so_there_god_was_creating_the_earth/
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Someone stole my mood ring

I'm not sure how I feel about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8550my/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/855098/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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Wrong Answer, Murphy

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job, and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions on the test. All the other questions were answered correctly. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thanks to both of you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!"
The manager replied, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" asked Murphy.
The manager replied, "Simple. The American put down for question five, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/854zp0/wrong_answer_murphy/
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I may have Alzheimer’s

but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/854ypr/i_may_have_alzheimers/
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I've just discovered I have a logic fetish

I can't stop coming to conclusions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/854xsq/ive_just_discovered_i_have_a_logic_fetish/
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How do you get better at spelling?

Practiss, practise, practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/854vbj/how_do_you_get_better_at_spelling/
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Two Irishmen are talking ...

One says to the other "Y'know, green is my favourite colour in the whole world! In fact, I like it more than blue and yellow combined!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/854qxq/two_irishmen_are_talking/
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What's the difference between a killer whale and a killer dolphin?

One doesn't have to hide the bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/854off/whats_the_difference_between_a_killer_whale_and_a/
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My doctor got sick so I grabbed his medical bag, but he refused to let me treat him

He did not like the taste of his own medicine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/854nvf/my_doctor_got_sick_so_i_grabbed_his_medical_bag/
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What Irish and sits on your lawn?

Paddy-O Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/854lvn/what_irish_and_sits_on_your_lawn/
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I hate when people don't leave a suicide note.

Would it kill them to write few sentences?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/854l43/i_hate_when_people_dont_leave_a_suicide_note/
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I don't always tell Dad jokes,

but when I do, he tells me to get my fucking life together and stop being a disappointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/854i5f/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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Why did the dyslexic Christian kill himself on Christmas day?

Because Satan was crawling down his chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/854eov/why_did_the_dyslexic_christian_kill_himself_on/
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A priest and a Rabi are running out of a burning building

The Priest says "What about the children?"
The Rabi replies "Fuck the children!"
The priest stops and looks at the Rabi and says "Do you think we will have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/854cgj/a_priest_and_a_rabi_are_running_out_of_a_burning/
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I met a guy who was a r/jokes subscriber.

Funnily enough he remembers all the jokes he ever heard.
So I asked him, "How can you remember all the freakin' jokes?"
He replied, "Its hard to forget when you are reminded every minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8549z6/i_met_a_guy_who_was_a_rjokes_subscriber/
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The Difference Between An Irish Wedding And An Irish Funeral?

One less drunk.  Happy St Paddies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8549tv/the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and_an/
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What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I've never cried when chopping up a hooker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85458y/whats_the_difference_between_an_onion_and_a_hooker/
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An immigrant moves to New York City from another country...

He can bearly speak broken English. He notices mice in his apartment and immediately calls the landlord to report the problem. Hello!
-Hello, what’s the problem?
-You know Tom and Jerry?
-Yes, Tom and Jerry?
-Well, Jerry problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8544q5/an_immigrant_moves_to_new_york_city_from_another/
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Big shout going out to St Patrick, who supposedly drove all the snakes out or Ireland.

But let's face it, thats clearly bullshit, they didn't have cars back then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/854277/big_shout_going_out_to_st_patrick_who_supposedly/
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An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley...

... proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled. 'I gave you a sham rock.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8540l9/an_irishman_by_the_name_of_omalley/
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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar..

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"I need to speak to him, can you get him for me?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused.
"Is there anything else I can do for you?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853ww4/a_rather_attractive_woman_goes_up_to_the_bar/
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My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad

Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853wvg/my_granny_was_recently_beaten_to_death_by_my/
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Did you hear about the guy who is accused of attacking people with acid?

I think that these accusations are baseless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853whh/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_is_accused_of/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853vm8/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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A blonde goes on a hot date

and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853v9a/a_blonde_goes_on_a_hot_date/
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Today we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into an unintelligible rabble.

Or as the Irish call it... breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853thd/today_we_honor_a_patron_saint_by_drinking/
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Look, it’s not exactly a secret how bad I am at sex with three other people at the same time.

I’ve been very forthcoming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853ry5/look_its_not_exactly_a_secret_how_bad_i_am_at_sex/
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Silver walked up to elements in a bar that was on fire. Silver said "Get out!"

Gold said "Aukay"
Potassium said "K"
Sodium said "Na"
Argon didn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853ouq/silver_walked_up_to_elements_in_a_bar_that_was_on/
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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853mn4/as_an_aussie_americans_are_always_asking_me_where/
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A knocked on ma neighbours door this mornin and said "can u have my children? Ill b no longer than,a few minutes,l promise"

"sure" she replied
I said "great! Git the knickers aff then"😂😂😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853kcc/a_knocked_on_ma_neighbours_door_this_mornin_and/
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Which Reindeer do dinosaurs hate most?

Comet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853hvq/which_reindeer_do_dinosaurs_hate_most/
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I was named after Abraham Lincoln.

People get confused because my name is Kyle Blankinship.
But like I said, I was named after Abraham Lincoln; Not before..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853hj4/i_was_named_after_abraham_lincoln/
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My new girlfriend is coming over today. I had the chance to do it with my ex one last time, but I had to let her down.

Then I put her back in her box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853fek/my_new_girlfriend_is_coming_over_today_i_had_the/
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Did you hear about that butcher who backed into his meat grinder?

Needless to say, he got a little behind in his work..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853ca3/did_you_hear_about_that_butcher_who_backed_into/
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I came back home early today...

... and ask my wife in our bedroom if she's cheating on me.
She laughs.
I laugh.
The wardrobe laughs.
What a nice day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853bg8/i_came_back_home_early_today/
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She didn’t realize tapping him on the shoulder would scare him

Last week a passenger in a cab, leaned over and tapped the driver to get his attention
The driver screamed and lost control, almost hit a bus and drove over a curb
For a few moments everything was quiet and then the scared shitless can driver asked if the women was alright
She said “yeah but I didn’t know a tap on the shoulder would scare you that badly”
The driver said ”I’m sorry it was my fault, today is my first day as a cab driver, I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8537pt/she_didnt_realize_tapping_him_on_the_shoulder/
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Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize?

He was out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/853408/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_nobel_prize/
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A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me six double vodkas.” Pouring the shots, the bartender comments, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women!?”
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8533z9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_give_me_six/
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A man walks into the bar toilet, chooses a cabin, sits on the seat. He sees someone else's feet in the next cabin..

..not minding him and trying to evacuate his bowels, suddenly, the man right next to him says "Hi..". Our protagonist, startled by this totally unexpected awkward salutation responds "hi?"... then the man continues "how are you doing?" our man answers "doing fine, how about you?"... the other man says "what are you up to?" ... our protagonist says "well, I came here to drink a beer after work, and you?"... the other man then says, "sorry honey, I have to hang up. this idiot in the other cabin keeps answering my questions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85303e/a_man_walks_into_the_bar_toilet_chooses_a_cabin/
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Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.

Suddenly, one says:
- You know Stefan, the book was better.  (͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852weu/two_rats_sit_in_a_dustbin_and_eat_a_dvd/
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Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?

In a communest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852tsd/where_does_a_socialist_bird_lay_its_eggs/
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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head while I give these two a lift!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852qrj/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
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People always assume I've never seen Fight Club

But I just don't talk about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852ovs/people_always_assume_ive_never_seen_fight_club/
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Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do all of you want a drink?"

The first logician says, "I don't know."
The second logician says, "I don't know."
The third logician says, "Yes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852o5m/three_logicians_walk_into_a_bar_the_bartender/
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A thalidomide victim has been badly injured by a firework...

He followed the instructions precisely - "Light fuse and hold at arms length".
Nearly blew his fucking head off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852nl3/a_thalidomide_victim_has_been_badly_injured_by_a/
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A paralyzed man got a new set of legs from a death row inmate.

Don't worry, the other guy got the chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852njc/a_paralyzed_man_got_a_new_set_of_legs_from_a/
%
Who was the first plagiarist?

Moses.
.
.
.
^He ^^could ^^^Control ^^^^C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852m3m/who_was_the_first_plagiarist/
%
What do you call a group of Islamic people living in poor housing?

Muslums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852l11/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_islamic_people_living/
%
What do you call a a white man dancing with a seizure?

An improvement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852jr8/what_do_you_call_a_a_white_man_dancing_with_a/
%
Did you guys hear about the labrador who left her puppies in the street?

She was fined for littering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852jo7/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_labrador_who_left_her/
%
A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision.

Throughout his career, he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir....
He takes his specimens to a leather smith and  asks him to make something out of them.
A week later the surgeon returns and the leather smith presents him with a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only made me a
wallet?" exclaims the surgeon.
The leather smith replies, "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852ixw/a_surgeon_retires_from_his_long_career_as_a/
%
whats red and tastes like blue paint

red paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852dx5/whats_red_and_tastes_like_blue_paint/
%
Donald Trump must be irish....

Because when he's president the national debt is Dublin
I'll show myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852bvg/donald_trump_must_be_irish/
%
What do you call birds that stick together?

Vel-crows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852bpl/what_do_you_call_birds_that_stick_together/
%
A man walks into a small diner, carrying a huge cat under his arm...

he puts down the cat and orders twenty hamburgers and ten bottles of beer.
He recieves the hamburgers, feeding them to the cat, which swallows them within a few minutes, then he downs all the beer, not even flinching once, puts his hand in his pocket taking out a large ammount of money and slamming it on the table.
As he picks up the cat and turns around to leave, the owner of the restaurant asks: "Wait, please tell us the interesting story behind all those strange things we have wittnessed just now!"
The man turns back again.
"See, some time ago i found a magic bottle with a djinn inside."
"For releasing him he granted me three wishes, so i wished to never agin be short on money, I just have to look inside my pockets and I will always have just the right ammount of money on me."
My 2nd wish was never ever having to suffer from the ill effects of alcohol, now I can drink as much as I want and Ill never have a hangover or get drunk out of my mind!"
"But why did you wish for a cat that can eat twenty hamburgers?"
"Oh that, the djinn got that wrong cause I asked him for an insatiable pussy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852afy/a_man_walks_into_a_small_diner_carrying_a_huge/
%
CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/852753/can_the_admins_of_this_group_do_a_better_job_of/
%
Did you hear about the tree that tried to run away from home?

He's not out of the woods yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85249n/did_you_hear_about_the_tree_that_tried_to_run/
%
I’m gonna open a Jewish coffee shop

It’s called Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/851zwz/im_gonna_open_a_jewish_coffee_shop/
%
What kind of factory can produce only adequate products?

a satisfactory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/851vsh/what_kind_of_factory_can_produce_only_adequate/
%
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office

He's wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "no need for a diagnosis, I can clearly see your nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/851t9k/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office/
%
A robot walks into a bar

Says to the bartender, "I need to loosen up. Give me a Screwdriver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/851rpq/a_robot_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Me and my son we're at the zoo...

And he asked me " those turtles are doing piggy backs" I knew it was time to have The Talk. So I said " Son those are tortoises"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/851qas/me_and_my_son_were_at_the_zoo/
%
There are 2 types of people...

1. Those who are able to make inferences from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/851q6p/there_are_2_types_of_people/
%
You know i speak two languages too.

English (US)🇺🇸 and English (UK) 🇬🇧

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/851plp/you_know_i_speak_two_languages_too/
%
When a computer gets a virus, it crashes. When a computerized car gets a virus

It *crashes*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/851njr/when_a_computer_gets_a_virus_it_crashes_when_a/
%
What's the result of unprotected ear sex?

Hearing AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/851mta/whats_the_result_of_unprotected_ear_sex/
%
When you mom calls you by to ur full name

Mom : (a^2 + 2ab + b^2 )
(a+b)^2 : fuck...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/851kil/when_you_mom_calls_you_by_to_ur_full_name/
%
Where do Middle-Eastern midgets come from?

Halfghanistan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/851h5o/where_do_middleeastern_midgets_come_from/
%
My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend<3"

I always knew he liked them young, but this is ridiculous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/851g6r/my_brother_just_updated_his_status_to_i_love_my/
%
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over to talk to you?

Me: Because it would be too windy if you didn’t?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/851g1w/cop_do_you_know_why_i_pulled_you_over_to_talk_to/
%
In 2016, Obama left Trump and Hillary as the 2 choices for president.

Thanks, Obama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/851b66/in_2016_obama_left_trump_and_hillary_as_the_2/
%
Midlife crisis

A man turned 40 and had the classic midlife crisis.  He went out and bought a red convertible sports car.  While driving his new car on the highway he decided to speed up and have some fun.  Sure enough he heard the siren and saw the flashing lights behind him.  In a panic he pushed the gas to the floor and started pulling away starting a proper police chase.  After a minute of heart pumping speed, he realized just how dumb that was and he pulled over while the cop caught up.
The cop gets out of his car and does that cocky cop trot we all know.  At the guys window the cop stares at him with a mean look.  Not knowing if he was going to get a ticket or be thrown in jail for running away the guy rolled down his window and starts apologizing.
The cop stops him and says “ I have been a police officer doing traffic for 20 years. Today is my last day on the job and the last thing I wanna do is haul your dumbass off to jail ruining the rest of my day.  I’m gonna give you one chance to get out of this. Doing traffic for 20 years I have heard every excuse in the book. If you can come up with a convincing reason why you just sped off like that, I’ll let you go. If not you’re going to straight to jail.”
The man thinks for a moment, then looks the cop directly in the eyes and says “Sir, three weeks ago my wife left me for a police officer. I just thought you were trying to give her back. “
The cop puts his pen is his shirt and says “Sir you have a great day.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8517lv/midlife_crisis/
%
What’s something you can say at both a funeral and during sex?

It would be so much better if you were alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8514x2/whats_something_you_can_say_at_both_a_funeral_and/
%
What job can prisoners do?

Serving drinks, because it's working behind bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85116k/what_job_can_prisoners_do/
%
"How much to buy a singing ensemble?"

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
"Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/850xdq/how_much_to_buy_a_singing_ensemble/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/850wfg/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
There was a lizard that lived in my back yard who lost his tail. After weeks of observation, the tail just wouldn’t grow back.

I’m not sure what the science is behind this, but I’m sure it was just a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/850v93/there_was_a_lizard_that_lived_in_my_back_yard_who/
%
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.....

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen.
Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve found you!”
Newton says “No no, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve found Pascal!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/850q08/einstein_newton_and_pascal_decide_to_play_hide/
%
What does the pope put on his pancakes?

Papal syrup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/850pkm/what_does_the_pope_put_on_his_pancakes/
%
If breast milk comes from boobs, what comes from your butt?

Dairy air

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/850n47/if_breast_milk_comes_from_boobs_what_comes_from/
%
When grandma turned 60 she started walking 3 miles every day

She is now 94, and we have no idea where she is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/850mgm/when_grandma_turned_60_she_started_walking_3/
%
A scrawny, skinny lumberjack asks a local lumber company if they're hiring

"Sure, but we ain't taking you. You're a skinny little shit and this is work for a big man."
Outraged, the skinny lumberjack rips the hatchet right off the bigger lumberjack's belt, walks over to a redwood tree, and knocks it down with one swing.
"Ok, then, you're hired. Just tell me this: where on earth did you learn a skill like that?"
"the sahara forest" the scrawny lumberjack replies.
"you mean sahara desert?"
"sure, if that's what they call it now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/850ltk/a_scrawny_skinny_lumberjack_asks_a_local_lumber/
%
Why do magicians saw people in half instead of logs?

Because the show looks fishy if you use too many plants...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/850j7b/why_do_magicians_saw_people_in_half_instead_of/
%
I bought a bread-maker but the sales assistant tried to talk me out of it

He said there was no knead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/850gbb/i_bought_a_breadmaker_but_the_sales_assistant/
%
Why can't North Korea party?

Because they have no Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/850fps/why_cant_north_korea_party/
%
What's the difference between a four year old and a bag of coke?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of coke fall out of the window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/850cxl/whats_the_difference_between_a_four_year_old_and/
%
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/850alz/what_did_the_drummer_call_his_twin_daughters/
%
Emotional party

Haven’t seen this one posted before; apologies if I missed it. I heard this at least 30 years ago.
——
Sarah throws a fancy dress party with the theme “emotions”.
Her friend Alice turns up in bright colours and glitter. “I’m happy!” she announces, and Sarah lets her in.
Meg turns up next, dressed entirely in red with her hair spiked up. “I’m angry”. In she goes.
Then Phil and Dave turn up. Phil is completely naked except for a pear on his dick. Dave is also completely naked except his dick is in a bowl of custard.
“What the fuck?!” exclaims Sarah. “The theme is emotions!”
“Exactly!” replies Phil. “I’m deep in ‘dis pear and Dave is fucking ‘dis custard!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8507cg/emotional_party/
%
I went to the doctor the other day...

...and found out my
new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm
a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's
wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said, "I think my penis tastes funny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85046r/i_went_to_the_doctor_the_other_day/
%
I didn’t learn a thing in university

I elected to get a major in psychology and minor in reverse-psychology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8503z2/i_didnt_learn_a_thing_in_university/
%
Four Catholic Women Brag About Their Sons

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, “my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”
The second Catholic women chirps, “Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Grace.”
The third Catholic woman says smugly, “well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Eminence.”
The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle “Well…?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2”, hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “My God”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8502h7/four_catholic_women_brag_about_their_sons/
%
A Lysol commercial said I should disinfect the thing I touch the most.

I think this is gonna burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/850046/a_lysol_commercial_said_i_should_disinfect_the/
%
What tax filing service does a pirate use?

H&ARGH Block

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84zwqf/what_tax_filing_service_does_a_pirate_use/
%
Little Johnny raises his hand in class one day...

and asks "Teacher, will you punish me for something I didn't do?"
"Of course not" says the teacher.
"Good," says Little Johnny, "cause I didn't do my homework."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84zoe5/little_johnny_raises_his_hand_in_class_one_day/
%
Jesus walked on water

But Stephen hawking ran on batteries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84znfc/jesus_walked_on_water/
%
What would happen if two African countries get in a war?

A 3rd World War

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84zkgp/what_would_happen_if_two_african_countries_get_in/
%
A wife finds out her husband has been cheating on her.

Heartbroken and keen to seek revenge, she takes a trip to the local witch doctor to buy a voodoo doll.
She brings it home and waits for her husbands return.
As he walks in the door he notices his wife sitting in dead silence, lights off, with only the dim glow of the fireplace lighting the room.
"What's going on?" he asks
"THIS is for going being my back you scumbag!"  and she stabs the voodoo doll in the shoulder... But nothing happens.
"You crazy bitch", he laughs, "is that supposed to hurt me, hahaha, you really are pathetic aren't you!"
She takes the needle and forces it so far up the dolls ass it comes out of the mouth... But again, nothing.
"Ooohhh, I'm trembling now. You know what, I just came home from having the best sex of my life!"
She grabs the scissors from beside her...
"With your best friend!"
...holds it to the dolls crotch...
"AND your SISTER!"
...and castrates the doll.
"We had a raging threesome, it was incredible!!"
She tosses the doll into the fire and runs out of the house.
She heads back to the witch doctor and bursts in through the door, shouting, "The doll didn't work at all!! My husband absolutely humiliated me!"
The witch doctor stubs out her spliff, pours a glass of rum and hands it to the wife. "Dry those tears likkle lady, tomorrow you'll feel right as rain."
"How's that?" replies the wife.
"It works", says the witch doctor, "24 hour delay".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84zbcb/a_wife_finds_out_her_husband_has_been_cheating_on/
%
I invented a new word!

Plagiarism!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84z9no/i_invented_a_new_word/
%
An Irishman a Englishman and a Scottsman go into a bar...

An Irishman a Englishman and a Scottsman go into a bar and each orders a pint of Guinness. Just then three flys come through the window and one land in each pint. The Englishman is disgusted and pushes his glass away. The Scott picks the fly out of his pint, shrugs his shoulders and starts drinking. The Irishman picks the fly out of his pint, holds it over the glass and starts shouting "Spit it out you bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84z7d1/an_irishman_a_englishman_and_a_scottsman_go_into/
%
What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84z5ss/whats_the_difference_between_anal_and_oral_sex/
%
A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, “Hey man, what are you supposed to be?” He replies, “Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle.” His friends respond, “A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who’s that woman on your back?” The man replies, “Oh that’s just Michelle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84z52l/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party_wearing_nothing_but/
%
Sparkling water was invented by german.

Who else would think of adding gas to the water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84yz6e/sparkling_water_was_invented_by_german/
%
How to confuse a waitperson.

I'm not having what she's not having.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84yx3i/how_to_confuse_a_waitperson/
%
So a tornado tore through a trailor park, and caused 1000s of dollars of...

...improvements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84yvs5/so_a_tornado_tore_through_a_trailor_park_and/
%
eBay is useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 42,810 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84yuus/ebay_is_useless/
%
My favorite lame joke

And God said unto John: Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life.
But john came fifth, and won a toaster.
I know, it's stupid and overused, but it's my favorite...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84yss8/my_favorite_lame_joke/
%
God was talking to one of his angels

God: how many animals do we have left?
Angel: 2
God: and how many legs do we have left?
Angel: 100
Centipede: DIBS!
Snake: Fuck you, asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ys6x/god_was_talking_to_one_of_his_angels/
%
A blonde girl took her first job as a waitress.

She showed up, took the first order, delivered the food, and promptly jumped up and landed next to the guest's plate.
"What are you doing?" the guest said.
She said, "Just doing my job. Now are you going to push me off?"
Angry but curious the guest said "Huh? I came here to eat and you're practically sitting on my food."
The blonde looked at his arms and said, "Silly, stop playing. I know you're strong enough. My Dad said I should just wait on tables until I get a good tip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ypjm/a_blonde_girl_took_her_first_job_as_a_waitress/
%
I wanted to show appreciation to my new girlfriend's foot fetish. Little did I know the woman in the bed was her sister..

I got off on the wrong foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84yjws/i_wanted_to_show_appreciation_to_my_new/
%
What is the biggest miracle of Jesus Christ?

Being white in Middle East.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84yh9l/what_is_the_biggest_miracle_of_jesus_christ/
%
Every Lamp In My House was Stolen

I am absolutely delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84yaas/every_lamp_in_my_house_was_stolen/
%
So two Mexican cartel members are walking in the desert trying to get into the USA while avoiding the Marines.

While walking Juan tells Pablo that he smells a Bacon Tree.
A Bacon Tree? Asks Pablo....
Juan sees the tree and runs over to go get some bacon, but he is immediately shot by an unseen sniper.
He crawls back to Pablo while he bleeds out, and when he gets there Pablo pulls him behind a rock for cover.
Juan with his last breath tells Pablo : Don't go there Amigo... Its not a Bacon Tree... Its a Ham bush...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ya1u/so_two_mexican_cartel_members_are_walking_in_the/
%
I like my sex life like I like my Jake Paul videos

A little tease in the beginning and 10 minutes of whole nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84y530/i_like_my_sex_life_like_i_like_my_jake_paul_videos/
%
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a ghost, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the ghost. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the ghost asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the ghost said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, ghost?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!" So the ghost and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon. The ghost was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the ghost looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
ghost smile –
-
-
-
-
-
-
Really ?
Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in ghosts..??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84y267/a_husband_takes_his_wife_to_play_her_first_game/
%
Your mama is so fat...

If you and I stood ten feet from her and you walked to her then walked back to me I would have aged 20 years due to gravitational time dilation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84y01t/your_mama_is_so_fat/
%
I went into a shop that sold just weed and dildos ..

I asked the shop guy why do you sell weed and dildos?
He said “ well if you don’t like the weed you can go  fuck yourself “
True story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84xx49/i_went_into_a_shop_that_sold_just_weed_and_dildos/
%
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to Phish and he becomes Nigerian prince

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84xvqs/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_will_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
My brother took going to jail pretty hard. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at everyone who passed by, and smeared his own feces all over the walls...

Needless to say we’ll never play Monopoly again..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84xurv/my_brother_took_going_to_jail_pretty_hard_he/
%
OP meets a talking crow

One day OP decides to get off reddit for a bit and go for a nice leisurely walk. After walking for a few hours he pauses at a park bench and sits down to collect his thoughts.
A crow lands on the bench beside him and takes him off guard by saying hello.
“Are... are you a talking crow?!” OP asks with great shock.
“Sure am, my name is Charlie.” The crow responds enthusiastically. “Nice weather huh?”
OP, amazed by this amazing discovery, begins a conversation with the crow. He asks everything a human would want to know about crows and crow culture. After a while however, it seems like OP and the crow have little left to talk about.
OP, wanting to impress the crow, asks him if he’d like to hear a few jokes. The crow nods its head in agreement and OP thinks of the funniest jokes from his favourite sub, r/jokes.
The first joke he tells is an ageless classic, Dave and The Pope.
The crow loves it. He Caws and squawks in laughter.
“That’s a good one.” Says the crow, however I have a better one.”
OP is amazed that crow manages to make him laugh harder than he made the crow laugh. Not one to be one-upped, he tells another ageless classic, the bus driver and the nun.
Again, the crow caws and squawks in laughter, and manages to tell an even funnier joke than a first.
Frustrated, OP racks his brain to find the funniest joke he could remember, and after a few moments of deciding, he decides to tell the tale of the little boy and his baseball mitt.
The crow manages to out do him again! Frustrated, OP cries out in embarrassment
“How?! How do you know a funnier joke every time?!”
“Well.” Says the crow...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84xssw/op_meets_a_talking_crow/
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Everyone knows the Russians were the first to put a dog into space.

Now people know they are also the first to put a monkey in the White House.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84xnz0/everyone_knows_the_russians_were_the_first_to_put/
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Yesterday my wife taught the car a new trick.

She taught it to roll over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84xnea/yesterday_my_wife_taught_the_car_a_new_trick/
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Coffee filled to the brim

Boss : Muthu, how do you get it right? For 30 years you have been bringing me coffee filled to the brim every morning without spilling it?
Muthu: Before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84xn4s/coffee_filled_to_the_brim/
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Why couldn't Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he was married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84xiqe/why_couldnt_ray_charles_see_his_friends/
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I hate it when

the joke repeats the title

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84xgst/i_hate_it_when/
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Do you know why they call it a pap smear?

Because women wouldn't get them done if it was called a cunt scrape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84xgq3/do_you_know_why_they_call_it_a_pap_smear/
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Went to a Black Church to listen to gospel. The preacher came over and said "YOU WILL WALK TODAY!!"

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but he said it again with even more enthusiasm.
After the service I went to leave.   My car was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84xgbb/went_to_a_black_church_to_listen_to_gospel_the/
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Why was the math book so sad?

Because it has a lot of problems:(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84xea1/why_was_the_math_book_so_sad/
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend

Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.
Hat tip to Groucho Marx for that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84xart/outside_of_a_dog_a_book_is_a_mans_best_friend/
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What do you call a Metallica song after being transcribed?

Sheet metal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84xagf/what_do_you_call_a_metallica_song_after_being/
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When my three-years-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous.

With a shaking voice he asked, "Do I have to drink it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84x9mx/when_my_threeyearsold_was_told_to_pee_in_a_cup_at/
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Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player?

Because Love means Nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84x710/why_shouldnt_you_marry_a_tennis_player/
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It has started

(English is not my first language. Sorry in advance if I make any grammar errors. Also, the joke is originally in another language, so it might not be that good in English.)
An older couple lived together in a small house. The man was watching television while his wife was cleaning. The man said: Honey, could you please bring me a beer before it starts? The woman rolled her eyes, gave him the beer, and went back to cleaning. Five minutes later, the man asks: Honey, could you bring me the ashtray before it starts? The woman started getting angrier, but gave him an ashtray and continued with the cleaning. Another five minutes have passed, and the man said: Honey, could you pass me the remote before it starts? The woman stops her work and says: NO! YOU LIFT YOUR LAZY ASS AND SWITCH THE CHANNEL! WHY DO I HAVE TO DO EVERY SINGLE THING AROUND THE HOUSE? The man sighed and said: It started... it FUCKING STARTED.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84x6kq/it_has_started/
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What's green and smells of pork?

Kermit's finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84x5n3/whats_green_and_smells_of_pork/
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Warning Dad Joke: Son just asked me: "Dad, do you like almonds?"

Me: "I don't like all-monds, but I do like some monds".
Went right over his head while I giggled furiously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84x5af/warning_dad_joke_son_just_asked_me_dad_do_you/
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Why did the mathematician shout “triangle!” At a deaf person?

He was speaking sine language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wyd7/why_did_the_mathematician_shout_triangle_at_a/
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I'm about three years into my relationship now...

...and I've started to have erection difficulties.
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some Viagra;
And I've bought her a treadmill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wxxi/im_about_three_years_into_my_relationship_now/
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Subscribe (Verb) - to obtain or have a subscription to a publication, concert series, service, etc.

Subscribe (Noun) - a very obedient writer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wxkl/subscribe_verb_to_obtain_or_have_a_subscription/
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What is the difference between your mum and my homework?

I didn't do my homework last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wvzn/what_is_the_difference_between_your_mum_and_my/
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I asked a German doctor about the anatomical differences between males and females...

I don't think he knows, cause he answered "Vas deferens?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wt4f/i_asked_a_german_doctor_about_the_anatomical/
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What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wmh4/what_do_you_call_a_boat_full_of_penises_and/
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Einstein tells his driver...........

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the big guys in science. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him : "I'm sick of all this conferences, I always say the same things over and over !" The drivers agrees, " You're right, as your driver I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference at your place." "That's a great idea ! " says Eistein," lets switch places then !" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein go on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupt the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wk50/einstein_tells_his_driver/
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A Mafia Godfather, a Bookkeeper and a Lawyer........

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!” The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?” Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!” The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.” Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.” The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?” The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wg3i/a_mafia_godfather_a_bookkeeper_and_a_lawyer/
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Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Neither have they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wfo0/have_you_ever_had_ethiopian_food/
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What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wfbh/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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My friend is a structural engineer.

He is always complaining about stress at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wets/my_friend_is_a_structural_engineer/
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These two sisters, one blonde and one brunette...

...own a ranch and have a bunch of cows but they don't have a bull. They see an ad in a local paper that a farmer a few towns over is selling a bull. The brunette decides that she'll go check it out and tells the blonde, "I'll send word to you to bring the trailer to pick up the bull if the farmer sells it to us." The blonde agrees so the brunette leaves and makes her way over to the town.
When she gets to the farmer, she sees the bull and strikes a deal with the farmer. The brunette then goes to the telegraph office and asks to send a telegram to her sister back home. The telegram operater says she only has enough money left after buying the bull to send a one word message.
The brunette thinks for a while and writes down the message she wants to send to her sister. The operator looks at it and asks, "how is your sister going to know to bring a trailer to pick up a bull when you only tell her 'Comfortable'?!"
The brunette responds, "my sister is a blonde so she'll have to sound it out: Come-for-da-bull"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wdif/these_two_sisters_one_blonde_and_one_brunette/
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I asked my boss if I could come in to work late today

He said “Dream on” I thought that was really nice of him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wchy/i_asked_my_boss_if_i_could_come_in_to_work_late/
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What did E.T's Mother say to him when he got home???

Where on Earth have you been?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wca5/what_did_ets_mother_say_to_him_when_he_got_home/
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What do you get when you cross a republican and a white supremacist?

A white supremacist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84wbwz/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_republican_and_a/
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Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.
"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"
"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.
"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"
"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.
"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84w9ny/homeless_man_sees_a_woman_about_to_jump_off_a/
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Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84w9ks/give_a_man_a_gun_and_hell_rob_a_bank/
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An Irishman and a Texan walks into a pub......

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84w9hj/an_irishman_and_a_texan_walks_into_a_pub/
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Why isn't 0=1?

Cos 1≈0.54
Isn't that rad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84w634/why_isnt_01/
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I got some boots from my drug dealer..

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84w42j/i_got_some_boots_from_my_drug_dealer/
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Programming jokes are fun...

... but only when executed properly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84w3vl/programming_jokes_are_fun/
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A fisherman decided to become a playwriter

His first play had strong lines and good casting. It was a reel hit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84w3c1/a_fisherman_decided_to_become_a_playwriter/
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A man and his son were walking in the woods, when they came across the two stray dogs having sex.

"What are they doing?" asked the Son. "Well," replied the father, "they are making puppies." The son was satisfied with the answer, continued the walk, ate some ice cream, and went home. Later that night, the son walked into his parents' room only to find them having sex. "What are you doing?" asked the Son. "Well, we are making babies." "Flip Mommy over, I want a puppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84w2hm/a_man_and_his_son_were_walking_in_the_woods_when/
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If the stork brings good babies, and the crow brings bad babies, what brings no babies?

The swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84w08y/if_the_stork_brings_good_babies_and_the_crow/
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My goal in life is always to turn a negative into a positive.

Which is why I lost my job at the blood bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84vzz5/my_goal_in_life_is_always_to_turn_a_negative_into/
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Alex Trebek: Jesus Loves You.

What is a good thing to hear in church, but not so much in a Mexican prison?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84vz5k/alex_trebek_jesus_loves_you/
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Sticking a baguette in your derrière...

...is a *pain* in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84vynd/sticking_a_baguette_in_your_derrière/
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I can't take all the credit... I would like to thank my fingers...

... I could always count on them.  Without them, I would have lost touch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84vvus/i_cant_take_all_the_credit_i_would_like_to_thank/
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I am totally not a racist but...

Compared to all the others types of races, I think the 400 meter hurdles present the most barriers for track athletes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84vsmn/i_am_totally_not_a_racist_but/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don't get support soon, people will think we are nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84vsgm/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other/
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What's the difference between a good

joke and a bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84vljb/whats_the_difference_between_a_good/
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Better formatted version Reporter and Man...

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84vk6p/better_formatted_version_reporter_and_man/
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Some people say that baseball is a boring sport, I just tell them that with a good pitcher...

Things can get out of hand pretty quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84vk0b/some_people_say_that_baseball_is_a_boring_sport_i/
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Stalin loses his pipe...

...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.
Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.
Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stealing the pipe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84vi9g/stalin_loses_his_pipe/
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Voodoo dick

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
\"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …\" said the old man, and then he stopped.
\"Except what?\" asked the businessman.
\"Nothing, nothing,\" said the old man.
\"C'mon, tell me! I need something!\" protested the businessman.
\"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'\" the old man said.
\"So what's up with this voodoo dick?\" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, \"Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!\"
The old man said, \"But you haven't seen what it'll do yet.\"
He pointed to a door and said \"Voodoo dick, the door.\"
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, \"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!\"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, \"I'll take it!\"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, \"Voodoo dick, my pussy.\"
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said \"Voodoo dick, my pussy!\" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, \"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!\"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84vh08/voodoo_dick/
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What did they circle say when he found out he wasn't actually a circle?

"Yeah whatever, I'm Oval it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84vd8f/what_did_they_circle_say_when_he_found_out_he/
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What did the magician say before he turned his assistant into an ear of corn?

Prepare to be a-maize-d

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84vcuy/what_did_the_magician_say_before_he_turned_his/
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Knock knock

Whose there?
Got drunk.
Got drunk who?
You mean "who got drunk?" Probably you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84vc8z/knock_knock/
%
I know a joke about sex.

But I don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84v9u0/i_know_a_joke_about_sex/
%
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84v8ip/interviewer_so_what_makes_you_think_youd_be_a/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84v8h4/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is laying in bed.
The man exclaims “This is the pig I fuck when you don’t put out”
His wife says “Are you drunk?  That’s not a pig that’s a sheep”
The man replies “Shut up, I was talking to the sheep”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84v7c1/a_man_walks_into_his_bedroom_with_a_sheep_under/
%
Why did the slave ask for career counseling?

He wanted to get into a good field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84v4qt/why_did_the_slave_ask_for_career_counseling/
%
Noone laughed when i fell while skating.

But the ice sure cracked up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84v2cw/noone_laughed_when_i_fell_while_skating/
%
How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Put it in water,
if it sinks, it's a girl ant.
If it floats, it's buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84uvpj/how_do_you_tell_the_sex_of_an_ant/
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I'm getting tired of math jokes on /r/jokes.

I mean adding to this sub tracks a multiple number of divisive comments from your average squares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84uuw2/im_getting_tired_of_math_jokes_on_rjokes/
%
It’s refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises.

Although I’m not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ut4s/its_refreshing_to_see_a_president_keeping_his/
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I like my woman like I like my coffee...

From a third world country and at a reasonable price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84urvd/i_like_my_woman_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Would you agree that if 1/3 = .3 repeating and 3/3 = .9 repeating and 3/3 = 1 then

I still haven’t lost my virginity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84uqzo/would_you_agree_that_if_13_3_repeating_and_33_9/
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I'm a scientist that's researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

If you want to speak with me I'll be in my lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84upt2/im_a_scientist_thats_researching_bestiality/
%
What's your hobby ?

Boy : What's your hobby ?
Blonde : Fishing.
Boy : Wow, why do you like fishing ?
Blonde : Because I save fishes  from drowning in water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84um7n/whats_your_hobby/
%
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite...

...I only look at the covered parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84uilx/when_wearing_a_bikini_women_reveal_90_of_their/
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Did you hear about that incredibly unbelievable item in the store

I didn’t buy it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84uifc/did_you_hear_about_that_incredibly_unbelievable/
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Why did Sean Connery sit on the toilet?

There was nowhere else to shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84uh67/why_did_sean_connery_sit_on_the_toilet/
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Catholic Wisdom

98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.  The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84uc0c/catholic_wisdom/
%
My friend is really into self defecating humour

I find it a bit shit myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84u9pt/my_friend_is_really_into_self_defecating_humour/
%
Hunting License

A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies.
The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its ass, and said, “This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?” The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its ass, and said, “This ain’t no Quebec duck. This ducks from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?” The Newfie reached into wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its ass, and said,
“This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia . You got a Nova Scotia hunting’ license?” Again, the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie, “Just where the hell are you from?”
The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,
“You tell me, you’re the expert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84u9ed/hunting_license/
%
I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.”

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84u9dk/i_was_tired_and_bored_one_night_so_i_went_to_the/
%
How do you make a ceaser salad from a regular salad?

Stab it 23 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84u93k/how_do_you_make_a_ceaser_salad_from_a_regular/
%
How did the guy who touched the 2018 calendar get electrocuted.

.
.
.
.
Cause it was the **"current"** year.
¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84u8xs/how_did_the_guy_who_touched_the_2018_calendar_get/
%
Why did Waldo grow a manbun, a beard and start meditating three times a day?

Waldo found himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84u77u/why_did_waldo_grow_a_manbun_a_beard_and_start/
%
A shy guy walks into a bar...

... and sees a a beautiful girl. After an hour, he goes to try talking to her:
-Excuse me, can we talk for some minutes?
Afterwards, the girl screams:
-NO! I Don't wanna sleep with you!
Now everyone in the bar looks weird to them. Obviously, the guy, ashamed, goes back to his table and asks for a beer. Several minutes later, the girl comes to him, smiles and tell him:
-Sorry if i made you feel bad. I'm studying psychology and checking how people reacts in awkward situations. After that, the guy screams:
-WHAT? $200?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84u6lj/a_shy_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A guy in a bar

turned to the woman next to him and says, "above, off, on, out, over, in, from, for."
The woman turns to him and asks, "are you trying to preposition me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84u3ws/a_guy_in_a_bar/
%
My girlfriend said she hates being on her period.

I told her it was better than being in a comma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84u0z4/my_girlfriend_said_she_hates_being_on_her_period/
%
I hate my subconscious

I'm just not sure why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84u0d8/i_hate_my_subconscious/
%
How do we know Noah kept bees

All the evidence was in the ark hives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84txr4/how_do_we_know_noah_kept_bees/
%
It's true that the Russians where the first to send a dog into space

It's also true that the Russians were first to put a monkey into the white house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84twy3/its_true_that_the_russians_where_the_first_to/
%
Why is 0 = 1?

cos 0 = 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84tvy4/why_is_0_1/
%
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84tukr/what_happens_to_a_frogs_car_when_it_breaks_down/
%
Reporter and Man,,,

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84tnt0/reporter_and_man/
%
I like my women like I like my mathematical constants.

Round and irrational.  Happy Pi Day everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84tmx8/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_mathematical/
%
Yo mama is so fat..

..when she goes camping, the bears hide their food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84tif5/yo_mama_is_so_fat/
%
Did you hear about the guy with a prolapsed anus?

He was pretty bummed out about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84thcg/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_a_prolapsed_anus/
%
A young man is relaxing on a park bench on a fine Spring day.

An elderly gent comes shuffling by with a very serious expression on his face.
"Hey, old timer, something wrong?" asks the younger fellow.
"Shit my pants," answers the oldster.
"Then why don't you change them," suggests the youngster.
"Not done yet," was the reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84thac/a_young_man_is_relaxing_on_a_park_bench_on_a_fine/
%
A man is washing his car with his son

His son says "dad, why can't you just use a sponge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84tehg/a_man_is_washing_his_car_with_his_son/
%
An unused instrument.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor ?
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
"With your  face, Father, no one will question you"
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.."
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
"Go ahead, Father.
Next Pls..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84t6wn/an_unused_instrument/
%
Donald Trump was admiring the Sistine chapel

Trump : this is the bestest painting I’ve ever seen
Docent : yes indeed Mr. President , it was painted by Michaelangelo ..
Trump : I know the fake news media makes me look like an idiot but I’m not foolish to believe that it was painted by a freaking turtle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84t6e3/donald_trump_was_admiring_the_sistine_chapel/
%
A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. ..

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!"
True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "mister? What was it you had to do in Texas?" The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "I had to walk home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84t4p1/a_rough_and_tough_cowboy_finishes_his_drink_at_a/
%
MBA Student Vs. BE Student.

A MBA And A BE Student Go On A Camping Trip, Set Up Their Tent, And Fell Asleep.
Some Hours Later, The BE Wakes His MBA Friend And Says: “Look Up At The Sky And Tell Me What You See”
The MBA Replies: “I See Millions Of Stars”
The BE Asks: “What Does That Tell You?”
The MBA Ponders For A Minute.
“Astronomically Speaking, It Tells Me That There Are Millions Of Galaxies And Potentially Billions Of Planets.
Astrologically, It Tells Me That Saturn Is In Leo.
Time Wise, It Appears To Be Approximately A Quarter Past Three.
Theologically, It’s Evident The Lord Is All-Powerful And We Are Small And Insignificant.
Meteorological, It Seems We Will Have A Beautiful Day Tomorrow.
What Does It Tell You?”
The BE Is Silent For A Moment, Then Speaks: “Practically, Someone Has Stolen Our Tent”
“Engineering = 100% Common Sense“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84swca/mba_student_vs_be_student/
%
Why did the man wrap his house in gift wrap?

He was told he'd be happy if he started living in the present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84sw1i/why_did_the_man_wrap_his_house_in_gift_wrap/
%
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives a man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84svo8/a_man_was_pulled_over_for_driving_too_fast_even/
%
What does a teenager with a lisp and a nun have in common?

Faith book

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84sqwq/what_does_a_teenager_with_a_lisp_and_a_nun_have/
%
A guy walks into a bar and starts talking to the bartender

Guy:I hate my fucking life
Bartender:no you dont you just hate your life right now
Guy:Iam 22 and work in a fast food place and will probably wont do any thing better and my co-workers make fun of me all day
Bartender:learn the ways of the honey badger
Guy:and if i told my boss he would cut my already shit pay
Bartender:that is illegal
Guy:cause hes a cheap bastard and my only friend is mentally retarded
Bartender:that makes you a wonder friend
Guy:and all we ever do together is stupid shit and i cant leave my home town because i never learned to drive and every time i try i fail my drivers test
Bartender:drivers ed bro that shit works
Guy:and you wanna know the worst part
Bartender:your so lost in self pity you cant accept when anything good happens to you
Guy:i live in a pineapple under the sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84si92/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_starts_talking_to_the/
%
What do Coors Light and sex in a canoe have in common?

They’re fuckin’ close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84shjj/what_do_coors_light_and_sex_in_a_canoe_have_in/
%
2 fish are in a tank...

One says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84sfwd/2_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
A Farmer comes home late one night drunk...

...holding a sheep under his arm. He walks into the bedroom and says to his wife, "This is the pig I've been fucking!"
His wife says "You idiot! That's not a pig, that's a sheep!"
The farmer says "Will you shut the fuck up! I was talking to the sheep!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84sbz8/a_farmer_comes_home_late_one_night_drunk/
%
A man walks into a watchmakers...

...anc lays his dick out on the counter.
The woman behind the counter, unperturbed, states, "This is a clock shop, not a cock shop".
The man replies, "Then put two hands on this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84sbq4/a_man_walks_into_a_watchmakers/
%
What’s more American than owning your own home?

Not owning your own home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84sap3/whats_more_american_than_owning_your_own_home/
%
My mother used to beat me with a telephone

I was always on the receiving end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84s9k7/my_mother_used_to_beat_me_with_a_telephone/
%
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84s7px/what_were_stephen_hawkings_last_words/
%
A young woman walks into a sex shop

She slowly walks up to the cashier at the counter and asks
"d-d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell d-d-d-d-dildos?"
The cashier responds. "Yes we do"
The woman says "d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell b-b-b-b-big d-d-d-d-dildos that c-c-come wit-with a vi-vi-vi-vibrator?"
Once again the cashier responds "Yes we do"
The woman says "d-d-d-d-do you n-n-n-n-n-know h-h-h-h-h-h-how to t-t-t-t-turn them off?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84s7ny/a_young_woman_walks_into_a_sex_shop/
%
When I was a kid the school bully used to rub my head against some sandpaper

I was no match for him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84s6cf/when_i_was_a_kid_the_school_bully_used_to_rub_my/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders one pint, the second one also orders 1 pint (astonishing the barman because he thought it was a repost), the third orders 1/2 a pint, the fourth orders 1/6th of a pint, the fifth orders 1/24th of a pint and so on. The bartender sees where this is going and says, "I'm all out of alcohol tonight, but I figure this might help you.", as he scribbled a number on a paper and passed it.
As the first mathematician dialled '27182-81828' and called the number, a voice picked up on the other side, "Hello, this is Descartes Lubricants, how can I help you?". Then they realised.
The barman had given them the Oiler's Number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84s64m/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition

He quickly realizes he misunderstood the objective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84rt59/frankenstein_enters_a_bodybuilding_competition/
%
Just watched Elton John's new standup act...

It's a little bit funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84rqgs/just_watched_elton_johns_new_standup_act/
%
What do call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ros2/what_do_call_a_gay_driveby/
%
A physicist sees a man standing on the edge of a roof top and he shouts...

...don't do it! You have so much potential!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84roc8/a_physicist_sees_a_man_standing_on_the_edge_of_a/
%
Why did they put a fence around the cemetery?

Everyone was dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84robb/why_did_they_put_a_fence_around_the_cemetery/
%
[NSFW] Running nude

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Good grief - Hurry, Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early,"
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there.'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems.'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved along side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home.'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked,
'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope. Just when it's raining!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84rnrq/nsfw_running_nude/
%
Dick Wolf, the creator of the Law & Order franchise ordered a T-bone steak for dinner last night.

He prefers them well Done-Done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84rngu/dick_wolf_the_creator_of_the_law_order_franchise/
%
The teacher confiscated my MP3 today in class

So I pulled out my MP5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ra66/the_teacher_confiscated_my_mp3_today_in_class/
%
Why were Missouri and Maine admitted as states at the same time?

Because Missouri loves company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84r7gk/why_were_missouri_and_maine_admitted_as_states_at/
%
What do you call someone with no ears?

Anything you want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84r046/what_do_you_call_someone_with_no_ears/
%
Bank Robber

A masked armed robber runs into a bank and up to the first teller. As he begins to tell her to give up the cash, his mask falls off. He puts it back on and then asks her if she saw his face. She replies yes, so he shoots her dead. Next teller is asked the same thing, replies yes and bang, dead. He then turns to a couple standing in line and asks the man if he saw his face. The man replies "No, but my wife did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84qv5b/bank_robber/
%
I poured Red Bull into my CPAP machine...

Got a full night’s sleep in 45 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84qsys/i_poured_red_bull_into_my_cpap_machine/
%
I like my women like i like my coffee...

WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN IT. FUCK YOU, RACHEL.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84qrw1/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they got big fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84qr8w/why_do_gorillas_have_big_nostrils/
%
A cop walks into a bar...

A cop walked into a bar with a hey sad look on his face.
"What's with the long-face, officer?" Asks the bartender.
"My wife slept with another man on our 20th anniversary. She meant everything to me and i cannot live without her. Please, take my gun and shoot me. I cannot do that myself as I will lose all respect I ever had."
"I'm sorry sir, I cannot do that. But if you feel so frustrated, instead of taking it out on yourself, kill the man that slept with your wife! If someone slept wih my eif, i'd kill em without thinking about it!"
The cop thought for a second and left. He comes back an hour later and walks back into the bar.
"Feel any better after killing the man?"
"No, friend. Cant say that, but I've slept with your wife! Now, here's the gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84qq0j/a_cop_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man confesses his sins to a priest...

He says “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I was skiing down the slopes on my recent trip to Austria.
Upon my return to the top of the slope I noticed my boss from work. I was wearing my ski mask and a balaclava so he would not have recognised me.
As he was leaning down to fix his skis I pushed him down the mountain. He fell and broke his arm. I laughed and I laughed when I found out he wasn’t at work because of the injury.”
The priest says “This the fifth time you have told me that story since Monday”
The man responds “I know but it’s fucking hilarious!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84qizd/a_man_confesses_his_sins_to_a_priest/
%
A Redditor discovers a way of travelling through time.

He steps into his time machine and sets it to 20 years in the future.
=
*whirr*
=
**Chkity**
=
***BAaayymM***
...
=
He wakes up naked in the middle of a park. "Oh shit" he mutters, "has it worked?”
=
A drone flies past him reeling off the latest headlines from the local news.
=
"I’m here, this is the future!" He thinks as he notices the date displayed on the news drone. "I'd better find myself some clothes."
=
He dashes into a nearby alleyway, cupping his tackle as he runs and finds a dumpster. He opens a garbage bag inside the dumpster, which contains some very gnarly looking meat, a pair of knickers and hundreds of stinking maggots. “Eww, this reminds me of something i read…”, he thinks, and he throws it to the side. He finds a bag of old clothes lying near the bottom. "Perfect", he says, "I’m only here for a little while, who cares if I smell like trash", and he gets dressed.
=
"I’d better log onto reddit and find out more about this world", he thinks, so, stinking of crap, the redditor makes his way to the nearest Internet cafe.
=
"How do I get online?", he asks the waitress.
Repelled by the stink and resisting the urge to cover her nose, she hands him a headset and points to one of the reclining chairs. "Put this on and you're in", she said, "you can pay after with karma credits if you like".
=
He looks at her blankly...
=
"New here aren't you?" she says, "Any popular website where you can earn karma can be used as currency."
=
"Awesome", thinks the redditor, having recently earned gold on a few posts and plenty of karma, "I hope my reddit account is still there..."
=
He sits back in one of the chairs and puts the headset on.
=
He closes his eyes and says, "Umm… *Reddit*". He opens his eyes and he’s no longer sitting in an internet cafe chair, but is surrounded by people in the biggest bar he’s ever stepped foot in.
=
"Welcome to Reddit”, says a voice behind him. He turns around and recognises the man.
=
"You're... y.. you're Samuel L Jackson!" says the redditor.
=
"Correctamundo", replies Samuel, "and you are... a badass mother fucker I see, I like that! I can see you haven't logged on for 20 years Mr BAMF! Well, I guess I'd better show you the changes around here."
=
“To start with, if you want to upvote something you have to use your own karma. You can either gain this by getting upvotes yourself or buy it at our karma store. Seems you have enough karma already though Mr bamf.”
=
Samuel leads the redditor to the door and they step through. On the other side is an entire virtual world, incredible, vast and almost realistic enough to pass for real life.
=
"Now, we can either travel by horse, which, to be honest, is just goddamn slow, or we can fast travel to the different subreddits."
=
Knowing what little time he had before he was *zapped* back to his own timeline, the redditor opted for fast travel.
=
"To r/news", the redditor requested.
=
***zzziiinggg*** in an instant they were stretched sideways and pinged into a completely different area of the virtual world.
=
They were surrounded by tall buildings on all sides with headlines billboarded across each one. Before he could open his mouth to speak, they were approached by, Barack Obama. "Welcome to r/news", Obama began, "I am in charge of this subreddit, let me know if I can help."
=
"What the actual fuck", the redditor turned to Samuel and asked, "what’s Obama doing heading up r/news, and why are you, of all people, Samuel L fucking Jackson, my Reddit guide?"
=
"Well, Mr bamf, years ago the Internet became a very volatile place. For any major website to survive, they had to have celebrity endorsements. The best way to do that was to employ them. Reddit took it a step further and made sure each subreddit was owned by one celebrity."
=
"Wow", the redditor replied, "who endorsed Imgur?"
=
"Beyonce", replied Samuel, "she thought if she had control she could finally remove all those hilarious pictures of herself."
=
"Did it work?"
=
"No", said Samuel, "people started hosting their Beyonce images on Tumblr instead"
=
"Who endorsed Tumblr?"
=
"Jay-Z"
=
"I won't ask…” The Redditor said, “And you? Your the guide to this whole place?”
=
“I needed the money dude”, replied Samuel, “after my 350th movie, I’d finally had enough of acting.”
=
“Fair enough… Let's explore more of Reddit. I want to see what's happened to all of the subs. Lead the way Samuel, I want to visit r/gifs" says the Redditor.
=
They select r/gifs from the fast travel menu and....
=
***zzziiinggg***Just like that... they’re there. Around them are hundreds of low level tables with people chilling back in La-Z-Boys. In the centre of each table, a 3D holographic gif is looping.
=
Just then another celebrity approaches him… It’s Steve Harvey!
=
He claps his hands together and says, “Welcome to r/gifs.”
=
"Ha, this is awesome", the Redditor says,  as he watches through the top holographic gifs of all time.
=
“I’d love to stick around and watch holographic gifs all day, but I’ve got to see as many subs as possible. See ya later Steve!”
=
The Redditor and Samuel L Jackson spend the rest of the day travelling from sub to sub.
=
r/showerthoughts was on a huge cloud in the sky, hosted by Neil deGrasse Tyson. To submit a shower thought, you literally had to stand in the shower, think about it and it would be posted.
=
r/movies was a huge movie theatre, hosted by Steven Spielberg. There were over 1000 screens, all playing the current most upvoted movies.
=
r/gaming, hosted by Mila Kunis, was like entering World of Warcraft, create your avatar and roam around the subreddit as a fantasy character, selecting games to play or discuss.
=
r/fitness was hosted by Arnold Schwarzenegger, If you were lucky you could get some one on one training with the big man himself.
=
r/creepy was like a true horror movie set, everywhere you went there was a scare waiting for you. When you posted here, it was added virtually to a random place, ready to freak the crap out of someone. Stephen King had the job of looking after this place.
=
r/RedditsMuseumOfFilth was right next to r/creepy, but they quickly skipped past it when he noticed who was hosting it. The kid with broken arms and his mother must have become celebrity figures after being mentioned in every Reddit post for 20 years solid. And let’s be honest, no one needs to see a cumbox, cum boxers or the cumwall in virtual reality.
=
They even found time to visit some of the more N.S.F.W. subreddits. As you could imagine, they were incredible. Our Redditor didn’t want to stay there too long, not with Samuel as his wingman anyway.
=
After a few hours, it wasn’t long until our redditor was due to be *pinged* home. They head for the bar where they began so he can log off.
=
“Hmmm, I feel like I’ve missed something…” he says to Samuel.
=
“**WAIT!** What about r/jokes, who’s in charge there?”
=
“Leonardo DiCaprio”, Samuel replies.
=
“But, he isn't particularly funny...” responds the Redditor
=
“No, not really Mr bamf...” says Samuel, “but he seemed to be the best fit. Leo was the most dedicated of all celebrities.”
=
“Dedicated to jokes?” He asks.
=
“No”, said samuel, “To Recycling”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84qegk/a_redditor_discovers_a_way_of_travelling_through/
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What do you use to capture a Parallelogram?

A Trapezoid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84qdfh/what_do_you_use_to_capture_a_parallelogram/
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Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84q7hc/friend_who_lives_in_russia_told_me_this_joke/
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A police officer pulls a guy over

for speeding and has the following exchange.
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84q5su/a_police_officer_pulls_a_guy_over/
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A young guy from Texas moves to California

and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Kid says, "One."
Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
Kid says "$201,237.64.
Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84q4p2/a_young_guy_from_texas_moves_to_california/
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A lot of couples get pregnant entirely by accident.

It's a pretty common misconception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84q4mp/a_lot_of_couples_get_pregnant_entirely_by_accident/
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The small European country of Germania

Few people know the rich history of the small European country of Germania. It was an all-male country, and females were barred entry. Any female found within its borders would be sentenced to prison for life. The men reproduced outside the country, and were only allowed to bring their male offspring back into Germania.
There was a certain woman, however, that managed to stay undetected for over a decade through her boyish looks. Her name was Helena, but she went by the name of Franz. Unfortunately for her, she fell in love with a man named Keind. Keind was rebellious enough to keep her secret, so they courted.
In 1995, Franz experienced a wardrobe malfunction in public, and was immediately arrested. The punishment for aiding and abetting a female in Germania is complete gender segregation. Keind was not allowed to visit Helena, or any other women in the prison. He also could not leave the country.
Keind drowned himself in drinks at the local pub. How could he live without the touch of a woman?
One day in 1996, a familiar man walked into the pub and ordered a drink. Keind knew this man, Hanz, from his days in school. They chatted and drank and chatted and drank, and just had a great time. Finally, Keind had a friend again, this would keep him going, and give him a reason to live.
Keind's bad luck wouldn't end here, though. Hanz, a mortician by trade, found himself at odds with a high ranking member of the military. There was currently a war with the neighboring country of Gormundia, and Germania was actively drafting new recruits. The Germania military retires its generals into a comfortable position, where their only job duty was to select and announce the names of new draftees. Additionally, only these announcers could own farmland, where indentured servants planted and harvested all sorts of grains, fruit and vegetables, and fed, cleaned and took care of livestock.
Hanz feared that the announcer would draft him in the next announcement. Keind felt Hanz was going to be the victim of unjust persecution, so he agreed to help kill the malicious former general. It was relatively easy. At night, the farmhands were all asleep and there was next-to-no security. The high walls of the adjacent prison helped provide cover on the approach. Keind was able to easily sneak into the announcer's kitchen and poison his food.
Hanz, being a mortician, tried to hide the cause of death by falsifying records. His assistant quickly caught on, however, and Hanz was arrested for murder.
Hanz is very upset. Keind was the one who killed the announcer, and yet he did not come forward to save his friend from a death sentence. As Hanz didn't want to die, and had a growing desire for revenge against the cowardly Keind, he managed to escape prison and blend in as a farmhand at the adjacent farm at which his old rival had died.
Keind heard about this prison escape and started to receive threatening letters from Hanz. Scared, he begins to train in self defense. The most popular form of defense in Germania is called Gerate. There are three ranks in Gerate: Boi, Mann, and Tufgai. Keind was able to reach the rank of Mann before he got bored and started to feel safe again.
In 1997, Keind was able to get a job at the prison in which his old lover, Helena, was imprisoned. He even managed to have his guard post be right above her cell. Although he could not see her, he felt better just being close to her.
Hanz was aware of this, however, and planned to take his revenge. He would drop all pretense of being a farmhand, climb the prison wall and do what needed to be done.
So 9 months later, in 1998, the undertaker threw Mann Keind off Helena's cell and plummeted 16 feet through an announcer's stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84q10q/the_small_european_country_of_germania/
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Steven Hawkings last words were

probably 30 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84pxsg/steven_hawkings_last_words_were/
%
Why don't kleptomaniacs get irony?

They take things. Literally!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84pwgt/why_dont_kleptomaniacs_get_irony/
%
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84pve0/just_been_on_a_diabetes_awareness_website_and_it/
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A captain is on a boat with his first mate.

The first mate says "Sir there's an enemy ship on the horizon!" and the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." They survive the battle and a while later the first mate says "Sir there's three enemy ships on the horizon!" and again the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." And again they survive the battle. A year later the ship mate comes to the captain once more and says "SIR! THERE ARE ONE HUNDRED ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!" and the captain calmly says "Bring me my brown pants...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84pop2/a_captain_is_on_a_boat_with_his_first_mate/
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Everybody's heard of Murphy's Law: "if something can go wrong, it will go wrong." However, few people know of Cole's Law...

It's thinly sliced cabbage and mayonnaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84pok6/everybodys_heard_of_murphys_law_if_something_can/
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What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common?

They’re both thinking: “My mom’s gonna kill me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84pnb6/what_do_pregnant_teenagers_and_their_babies_have/
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The branches of the military.

The four branches encounter a bug in the tent.
The army shoots the bug.
The marines eat the bug.
The navy drowns the bug.
The air force calls room service to ask why the fuck there's a tent in their room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84plzt/the_branches_of_the_military/
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A man sends some lettuce through the mail

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84pjrn/a_man_sends_some_lettuce_through_the_mail/
%
If you're in a good mood, see how long it takes for a fly to get from one end of a room to the other.

Time flies when you're having fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84pjgk/if_youre_in_a_good_mood_see_how_long_it_takes_for/
%
Two Irish guys are leaving a pub

Hey. It could happen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ph8l/two_irish_guys_are_leaving_a_pub/
%
My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84pgkp/my_girlfriend_just_emailed_me/
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What's the difference between a Pakistani school and an Al-Qaeda base?

I don't know, man. I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84pfcl/whats_the_difference_between_a_pakistani_school/
%
How did Bruce Willis die?

He overdosed viagra.
Why?
He wanted to die hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84peeg/how_did_bruce_willis_die/
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Dave O'Reilly was in the pub one night.

When time came to give toasts, he hoisted his whiskey and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
Dave said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, me dear Davey that is very nice indeed!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Dave's drinking buddies, Frank Feldman on the street corner.
FranK chuckled leeringly and said,
"Dave won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
I'll be expecting you and the rest of the lads to be there with him next time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84pcav/dave_oreilly_was_in_the_pub_one_night/
%
Did you hear about a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray attacks?

He's a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84p8uj/did_you_hear_about_a_soldier_who_survived_mustard/
%
What did the Indian boy say to his mother when he left?

Mumbai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84p5sy/what_did_the_indian_boy_say_to_his_mother_when_he/
%
I went to a flexibility class that teaches you how to go up and down.

It's yoyoga

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84p3w1/i_went_to_a_flexibility_class_that_teaches_you/
%
There's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular

lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power too. The third kingdom is struggling and poor and barely has an army.
The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squire of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.
The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.
The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.
And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84p2y4/theres_a_faroff_place_that_consists_of_a/
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I told my wife "Beware the Ides of March!"

I told my wife "Beware the Ides of March!  I'm in the mood to do some stabbing from behind, if you know what I mean. "
She said, "I just might die of surprise if you make it to 23 stabs!"
So yeah, only my ego got murdered today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84p2d2/i_told_my_wife_beware_the_ides_of_march/
%
Why do old people like to read the Bible?

Because some of it might he on the final exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84p21p/why_do_old_people_like_to_read_the_bible/
%
What is the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk, because its pasteurized before you even see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ow8x/what_is_the_fastest_liquid_on_earth/
%
what is it called if your penis head gets cut off?

a dickapitation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ovnj/what_is_it_called_if_your_penis_head_gets_cut_off/
%
A man goes to God and asks him a question.

A man found God and decided to ask him a question; he looks up at God and asks, "God, I was wondering what does a million years feel like to you?"
God looks down and smiles at the man and replies; "a million years is only a second to me."
The man ponders Gods answer for a minute then looks up at God again and asks; "well then, what is a million dollars like for you?"
God simply replies" just a penny."
The man then gets an idea and with a smile on his face he straightens up and says, "well God, I was wondering if you could spare a penny."
God says, "Of course I can."
The mans smile grows huge and says "Really!"
God replies, "yep, just give me a second."...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84oubr/a_man_goes_to_god_and_asks_him_a_question/
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Human Trafficking

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
We must save the lady!"
The Captain responds, "Patricia, I’ve told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ooag/human_trafficking/
%
What do Donald Trump and a slinky have in common?

Both are fun to push down a flight of stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ok08/what_do_donald_trump_and_a_slinky_have_in_common/
%
On her sixth birthday, Joe decided to get his daughter, Violet, a new bike and teach her to ride it.

The whole family - Joe, Joy, Violet, and Billy - piled into the family station wagon and went down to the local toy store to pick one out. On entering the store, Violet immediately honed in on the perfect bike - it had streamers, a pinwheel, a bell, and a kickstand. It even was colored violet - her namesake *and* favorite color.
Not only was it the perfect bike - it was even priced better than all of the other bikes! Joe, Joy, Violet, and Billy proceeded to the front to checkout. The sales clerk looked them up and down, and said, "Sir - I have to warn you; this bike has been returned multiple times."
"What is wrong with it?"
"It is haunted."
Skeptical, Joe asked Violet if she still wanted the bike. Undeterred, she excitedly nodded. Given such a great price and that Violet clearly adored the bike, Joe shrugged and made the purchase, along with a new helmet and some stickers to decorate it with. The family piled into their station wagon, new bike tied to the top, and proceeded home.
As soon as they got back, Violet strapped her helmet on and Joe helped her onto the bike, helping her balance. Amazingly, she rocketed off as though she had been riding her whole life. Giggling ecstatically, she quickly made it to the end of the street and disappeared around the corner. Joe's heart sank into his stomach, however, as her distant giggles turned into a blood curdling scream. He sprinted harder and faster than he had since his high school track days, rounding the corner to a scene of pure mayhem. A pedestrian had been mowed over, and now laid unconscious with a tire skid on his face. Violet had climbed up onto the lower branches of a small tree as the bike circled around waiting for her to come down.
"Are you ok, Honey!?" The bike turned to him, as though it had heard, and began chase. Fearing the fate of the pedestrian and wanting to draw the thing from his daughter, Joe ran as fast as his legs could carry him, yelling at her to get back to the house. Ducking and weaving through the neighborhood, Joe managed to lose the thing and make it home. Through the blinds he saw it prowling around as the sun began to fade for the day.
Joe knew that he had to do something before the bike attacked again. He went and armored himself up with some old baseball gear and grabbed his hacksaw. On his way out, Joy asked him, "Wait - shouldn't we return it instead of destroying it?"
"No," Joe said stoically, "We must end this cycle of Violet's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84od1z/on_her_sixth_birthday_joe_decided_to_get_his/
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For the Ides of March...

Caesar walks into a bar, and tells the bartender "I'll have a martinus."
The bartender says "Don't you mean a martini, sire?"
Caesar scowls, and says "If I wanted a double I would have said so!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ocmn/for_the_ides_of_march/
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Black humor is like drinking water

It's not for everybody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84oaea/black_humor_is_like_drinking_water/
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NSFW Procrastination is like masterbation

at first it feels good, but in the end you're just fucking yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84nzro/nsfw_procrastination_is_like_masterbation/
%
It was my wife's birthday today and she got really mad at me.

I guess birthday blowjobs only happen on my birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84nw6g/it_was_my_wifes_birthday_today_and_she_got_really/
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How do you turn a garden salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it a bunch of times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84nvrq/how_do_you_turn_a_garden_salad_into_a_caesar_salad/
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What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?

A slow poke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84nut2/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_turtle_with_a/
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“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018
^too ^soon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84nu47/there_is_no_god_stephen_hawking_2011/
%
"911 "

"Hello my wife was cookin dinner and she fell" says the husband
"What's the emergency?"
The huband replies " how do I know when the rice is ready?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84nthm/911/
%
I named my TV remote Waldo.

For obvious reasons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84nrlb/i_named_my_tv_remote_waldo/
%
A man goes up to the counter to order a Polish sausage.

The cashier asks, “Hey, are you polish?”
The man then responds, “You think I’m polish just because I ordered a Polish sausage? If I ordered a wiener schnitzel would you think I’m German? If I ordered sushi would you think I’m Japanese? If I ordered Pizza would you think I’m Italian?”
The cashier responds, “No, it’s just that this is s hardware store.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84nqzh/a_man_goes_up_to_the_counter_to_order_a_polish/
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Been married to my wife for 20 years and I've finally found the G Spot

Turns out her sister had it all along

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84noxg/been_married_to_my_wife_for_20_years_and_ive/
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People always ask me how l escaped Iraq and l always tell them the same thing...

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84nnwo/people_always_ask_me_how_l_escaped_iraq_and_l/
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My wife has been missing a week now.

The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84nm2s/my_wife_has_been_missing_a_week_now/
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What do sex and quantum physics have in common?

I don't get either of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84nl68/what_do_sex_and_quantum_physics_have_in_common/
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[WP] You're stuck in 2nd person and you can't get out.

Help you. Help you. Please, help you before it's too late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84nd24/wp_youre_stuck_in_2nd_person_and_you_cant_get_out/
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A man with a french mother and german father dies and goes to hell.

The devil tells him
"Since you are both french and german, I will let you choose between going to french hell or german hell!"
The man asks to see them first, so the devil takes him to french hell. People are standing in a never ending lake, up to their chin in sewage and chained by their wrist to the bottom. Demons stand on floating platforms repeatedly hitting the damned on the head with large sticks. The man says
"This looks horrible, show me the german hell!"
The devil nods and leads him over to german hell. Once again, an infinite lake of excrement filled with people being beat down into it. The man yells out
"This is exactly the same!" The devil merely nods and replies
"You must choose one!" The man thinks for a bit, then eventually replies
"Il take the french hell then!" Satan leads him back to french hell, and while gathering up some fresh chains asks the man
"Out of curiosity, why choose the french version of hell?" The man smiles smugly and says
"Well, in one year in german hell, the demons will have perfected their beating method and the sticks will be made of newer and harder material. The shit will be perfected to be more disgusting and they will have worked out shifts to make sure everyone is always being beat into the lake at all times. In one year in french hell, the demons will be on strike, the sticks broken, the flotation platforms sunk and the waste run out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ncn7/a_man_with_a_french_mother_and_german_father_dies/
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A guy buys a ranch.

A city guy buys a ranch. He sits on the porch of his new house taking in the fresh country air when a dusty truck pulls up.
The man in the truck gets out. he's 7 feet tall, with a huge beard. " I came to invite you to a little Welcome to the Neighborhood party at my place tonight. "
"Well, that's mighty fine of you," the city guy replies.
"It's going to be great,"
the neighbor adds. "There's gonna be lotsa drinkin'!"
"Sounds great," the city guy replies. "I haven't had a drink since I moved here"
The neighbor adds "and there's probably gonna be a fight or two, but I take care of these things" flexing his enormous biceps. The city boy is reassured, since the neighbor looks like he could take on a rhinoceros and win.
"And if I know the way these things go, the nights gonna end with lots and lots of sex" the neighbor says
"that's great!" says the city boy "I havent gotten laid since I got here!"
What should I wear?"
"Aww, it don't matter," the neighbor says. "It's just gonna be you and me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ncju/a_guy_buys_a_ranch/
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Moses was a man well in front of his time.

He had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84na4p/moses_was_a_man_well_in_front_of_his_time/
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What is China's favorite cat?

Sweet and sour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84n56y/what_is_chinas_favorite_cat/
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"I love my job!" said the farmer

"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep
"What did you say?" said the farmer
"You herd me" said the sheep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84n3vr/i_love_my_job_said_the_farmer/
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Eating popcorn is hella gay....

.....you're just swallowing a busted nut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84n2zr/eating_popcorn_is_hella_gay/
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How many X does it take to change a lightbulb?

N -  One to change the lightbulb, and N-1 to exhibit a stereotypical behavioural trait of X!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84n2gx/how_many_x_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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A doctor reaches into his smock to grab his pen so he can write a prescription,

Instead he pulls out a rectal thermometer.
"Oh no" he says, "some ass hole must have my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84mze5/a_doctor_reaches_into_his_smock_to_grab_his_pen/
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What’s Ramsay’s least favorite subreddit?

It’s fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84mxms/whats_ramsays_least_favorite_subreddit/
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Barack Obama dies and goes to hell.........

Satan is already waiting for him.
'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll take their place. However, you can choose whose place you want to take.
'Oh, that sounds okay I guess' says Obama.
Satan leads him to the first room and opens the door. In this room, there's a huge swimming pool. In it, Reagan is drowning. He goes down, then up, then down, then up, and he's gasping for air all the while.
'Oh, no,' says Obama. 'That's not for me, I'm a poor swimmer.'
Satan opens the second door. The room is full of rocks and they see Nixon trying to break up the rocks with a wooden hammer.
'Nah, I have problems with my shoulders and my back, that'd be such a painful thing to do day after day.'
So Satan opens the third door. In the room, they see Clinton lying on the floor, all tied up. Monica Lewinsky is lying on top of Clinton, giving him a blowjob. Obama stares at the scene with a wide smile and says:
'Ah, that I could endure!'
'Alright,' laughs Satan. 'Monica, you're free to go!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84mxe3/barack_obama_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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Going to Church in Chicago

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.
As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?
He laid his hands on my shoulder and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."
I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today."
Again, I said that there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold they were right ---
My car was gone !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84mwtq/going_to_church_in_chicago/
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Did you hear about the sumo match happening at the prison tomorrow?

They're going to bring in professional sumo wrestlers and pit them against the fattest inmates but honestly I don't even know if the pros outweigh the cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84mwa8/did_you_hear_about_the_sumo_match_happening_at/
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I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.

It's syncing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84mtr8/i_changed_my_ipods_name_to_titanic/
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Fun fact: Popeye the Sailor Man isn't actually all that strong by Danish or Norwegian standards...

... but he's strong to the Finnish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84mqia/fun_fact_popeye_the_sailor_man_isnt_actually_all/
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The apostles are at the last supper...

Jesus is eating like a slob and spilling wine everywhere and Judas says to him "Were you born in a barn?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84mmod/the_apostles_are_at_the_last_supper/
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“Forget everything you learnt in college, you won’t need it here “

“But I never went to college,”
“Well, then you’re under qualified to work here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84mkbw/forget_everything_you_learnt_in_college_you_wont/
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Grocery store meat departments are starting drone delivery but customers think it's risky.

Its a high-steaks situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84mgta/grocery_store_meat_departments_are_starting_drone/
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My dad bought me a terrible thesaurus today...

its terrible, its seriously terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84m9df/my_dad_bought_me_a_terrible_thesaurus_today/
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If you need an ark...

I Noah guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84m7xa/if_you_need_an_ark/
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Did you hear about the career agency that offered Jesus a position?

They heard he had hire powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84m5vz/did_you_hear_about_the_career_agency_that_offered/
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To the guy who invented zero.

Thanks for nothing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84m4pk/to_the_guy_who_invented_zero/
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What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84lzv0/what_did_the_thermometer_say_to_the_graduated/
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What happens to Egyptians who don’t believe?

They end up in deNILE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84lzst/what_happens_to_egyptians_who_dont_believe/
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#19

This is a prime example of a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84lxwu/19/
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What do Australians get from education?

Koalafications

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ltk8/what_do_australians_get_from_education/
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I’m pretty sure someone hid the last paragraph of my essay on a shelf that I can’t reach,

But I don’t want to jump to conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84lo5e/im_pretty_sure_someone_hid_the_last_paragraph_of/
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Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84llaf/why_dont_you_ever_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
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Jokes about unemployed people aren’t funny.

They just don’t work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84lh99/jokes_about_unemployed_people_arent_funny/
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With a sultry look and come-hither eyes filled with passion, my girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time. I rasped...

"No honey, your mustache looks fine to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84lh0h/with_a_sultry_look_and_comehither_eyes_filled/
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What did the buffalo say to his son when he left?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84lg0w/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
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My dick may just be 3 inches long [nsfw]

But it sure smells like a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84le1p/my_dick_may_just_be_3_inches_long_nsfw/
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An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84lcne/an_engineer_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
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Did you hear about the restaurant on mars?

The food was amazing, but the atmosphere wasn’t that great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84l9m3/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_mars/
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The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."
- Leviticus 20:13 ESV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84l9k9/the_bible_says_being_gay_is_fine_as_long_as_youre/
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What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

The Pacific Ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84l9i0/whats_big_and_blue_and_if_it_fell_out_of_a_tree/
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One day little Johnny....

Runs into his elder sister's room and said...
Little Johnny: "I know why girls don't have a penis, it drops away when they get older."
Sister: "Wait, how did you come up with this, Johnny?"
Little Johnny: "Well I went into your room and found yours under the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84l5hg/one_day_little_johnny/
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An Italian politician invites his Greek politician friend over.

An Italian politician invites his Greek politician friend over for a visit. The Greek pulls up in front of an elegant manor house and is welcomed by the staff. He walks in through a foyer with marble floors and a huge marble staircase with ornamental banisters and a crystal chandelier. They walk through to a lovely veranda overlooking the river, and sit down to eat.
The Greek is very impressed with everything and asks "How did you manage to get this place?"
The Italian points to a shoddy concrete bridge over the river and says "See that bridge over there? It was supposed to be a steel suspension bridge, but we found a lower bidder to build that one instead, and with all the extra money I was able to buy this!" The Greek compliments his friend on the house, they finish a delicious meal while talking about various politics, and the next day they part ways.
Several months later the Greek invites the Italian over. The Italian arrives at an enormous estate with a marble facade. He walks in to see an even bigger staircase, and a banister and chandelier that are trimmed in 24 karat gold! They sit down for a meal on a huge terrace with a staggering view of the harbor.
The Italian is completely blown away, so he asks his friend "How on earth did you afford this place? It's fantastic!"
The Greek says "Well, see that bridge over there?"
The Italian says "What bridge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84l1qj/an_italian_politician_invites_his_greek/
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Give him what he wants.

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom.
The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84kyyi/give_him_what_he_wants/
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9 is enough.

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.
He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."
"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."
"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ko7g/9_is_enough/
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A Banana and a Vibrator are sitting on a bedside table.

the banana says "I dont know why YOU'RE shaking, she's gonna fucking eat ME"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84kn6l/a_banana_and_a_vibrator_are_sitting_on_a_bedside/
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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84kn5z/a_teenage_boy_was_delivering_papers_to_an/
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3 ducks were arrested…

Three ducks were arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond. They each appear in court.
Judge calls the first duck to the stand.
Judge: What's your name and why are you here?
First duck replies: My name is quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in the pond.
Judge: That's it! $200 fine now get out of my court room. Next...
The second duck is called.
Judge: what's your name and why are you in my court room?
Second duck: My name is quack quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in the pond.
Judge: That's it! $200 fine now get out of my courtroom. Next...
The third duck appears and the judge says... And I suppose your name is quack quack quack? To which the third duck replies " no sir, my name is bubbles".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84kn4i/3_ducks_were_arrested/
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I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject

But I must say, it's pretty cocky of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84kn06/i_dont_mind_the_chinese_students_in_my_math_class/
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Jesus and Satan are having a competition...

... to see who is the better Excel user. God is the judge.
Satan is killing it. He has pivot tables, graphs, macros. Jesus is doing ok - he has a few columns of data, some basic graphs and some formulae.
The time is nearing the 2hour time limit and suddenly the power goes off. Satan is cursing and swearing. 2 minutes later power comes back on and Jesus' carries on from where he left off.
Satan has nothing. He has to start from scratch.
When the time runs out God has to declare Jesus the winner because he has a far better Excel sheet than Satan.
Satan is really pissed and lodges a complaint and asks why was Jesus able to continue from where he left off?
God replies: "Jesus saves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84klyq/jesus_and_satan_are_having_a_competition/
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I used to have a girlfriend who, whenever she had a bad headache, would go into the cupboard, find my oats I'd normally eat for breakfast and then throw them in the garbage.

Apparently she couldn't cope with my grains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84khqg/i_used_to_have_a_girlfriend_who_whenever_she_had/
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Facts About Lazy People #389479305784

You were too lazy to read that number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84kg51/facts_about_lazy_people_389479305784/
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A man walks into a library

And asks if there are any book's on poor eyesight
I haven't seen any, says the barman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ke5l/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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Hotel in Moscow

As a young man, Nickolai joined in the Bolshevik Revolution and was decorated for his role, and was invited to Moscow for the celebration, and put up in a big hotel there.
He had grown up in a remote village where there was no plumbing and knew nothing of toilets, so when he felt the call of nature, he looked around for a suitable place, and chose the closet.
Years later, he was decorated by The Party for his outstanding role in raising record potato crops, and again invited to Moscow for the ceremony, and again given a room in the same hotel. This time he chose the bottom drawer of the dresser.
During the War against Fascism, he was recognized for his outstanding bravery against the enemy, and as a war hero was invited to Moscow for the victory parade. Once again, he was assigned to the same hotel - but by now he knew all about modern plumbing, and used the hotel toilets.
When he returned to his village, there was a telegram waiting for him. It was from the hotel.
It read: 'Dear Comrade, We give up. Where have you hidden it this time?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ke4q/hotel_in_moscow/
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Queue is Just Q followed by 4 Silent letters

Teacher: Queue is Just Q followed by 4 Silent letters
Me: They aren't Silent, They are waiting their turn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84kdq8/queue_is_just_q_followed_by_4_silent_letters/
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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84kcs1/im_divorcing_my_wife_first_it_was_the_poolboy/
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A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop asks, "Can I help you with your luggage?
The photon replies, "I don't have any; I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84kc06/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
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What was Obi-Wan Kenobi's favorite place to hang out?

The Maul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84k9bk/what_was_obiwan_kenobis_favorite_place_to_hang_out/
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Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84k8nz/whats_stephen_hawkings_least_favorite_song/
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What do you call a film director with an STD?

Alfred 'ItchCock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84k4tb/what_do_you_call_a_film_director_with_an_std/
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Everyone is a fan of Stephen Hawking now that he died.

I bet they can't name even 3 of his songs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84k212/everyone_is_a_fan_of_stephen_hawking_now_that_he/
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Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison?

Apparently it was a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84jyrs/did_you_hear_about_the_midget_psychic_who_escaped/
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Why was 6 scared of 7?

Because 7 was a 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84jwty/why_was_6_scared_of_7/
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Drinking tea is bad for you.

Tea is more dangerous than beer.   You should avoid it, and just say NO.
I discovered this last night.  I had drunk 14 beers, until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was sitting at home, drinking tea.
You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.
I was peaceful, silent, and heading to bead as she shouted at me... All Night Long.  Even into the next morning!
Please, ladies....  If you can't handle your tea, then just don't drink it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84jq54/drinking_tea_is_bad_for_you/
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What travels down an alley and has holes in it?

Bruce Wayne's Parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84jpp6/what_travels_down_an_alley_and_has_holes_in_it/
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I heard about this spoiled girl who freaked out...

Because her parents bought her a black Ferrari instead of a blue one.
Really makes me appreciate my parents
Because they bought me a blue one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84jii3/i_heard_about_this_spoiled_girl_who_freaked_out/
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What's the difference between home school and regular school in the US?

The body count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84jidu/whats_the_difference_between_home_school_and/
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The Zoo Joke

A man had an uncle who happened to own a zoo. One day, the uncle unfortunately passes away. When the man speaks to his uncle's lawyer, the lawyer offers to give him the zoo. The man willingly agrees. The zoo has an aquarium, a lion cage and a bird cage but it is in horrible condition. The man pays thousands of dollars to make the zoo look brand new. He must sell his house in order to afford the costs so he now lives in the zoo. But there is one problem; all the cages are empty.
While looking on the Internet, the man comes across a site that will give him 20 free lions. When the lions arrive, the deliveryman gets the man's attention. He says to the man, "Take very good care of these lions mister, Foster them, feed them, and give them water.” The man responds “Trust me, I will take good care of my lions." The deliveryman replies, “Let me be very clear, these are not YOUR lions, these belong to the STATE. Take good care of them and they will remain here at your zoo." The man hastily agrees, as he doesn’t want any trouble and is just happy that he has some animals in the zoo. The lion cage is now filled up.
The man has $10,000 to spend to fill the rest of the zoo so he again, searches the Internet. He finds out a nearby pet store is selling Miner birds, for $10 each. He visits the store and sees the clerk. He says he wants to buy a few miner birds. The clerk owns 1000 miner birds, but the deal is the man has to buy all of them. The man pays the clerk all his money to buy the birds. He then fills the birdcage.
The final thing left is to fill the aquarium. The man goes online to find free fish for the aquarium. He finds a fisherman who sells them by the docks nearby. The man goes to the docks, and finds the fisherman. He pulls the man into one of his boats to show him a pool. Fins pop out of the pool's green water. The man’s mind is blown! He is going to have sharks in his aquarium! The man says “Sharks!” The fisherman replies, “You wish these were sharks, but these be Porpoises.” The man chuckles, porpoises are much tamer than sharks. The fisherman grabs a bucket of fish and pours it in the pool. The porpoises don’t care. He then grabs a seagull, snaps its neck and throws it in. The porpoises go crazy, fighting one another for the seagull and a red glow emerges from the pool. “These porpoises are INSANE, and EVIL,” the man thought to himself. The fisherman says he can give him the porpoises, but he will have to take the curse that comes with them. The man agrees and puts the porpoises in the aquarium.
Two days before the zoo opens to the public, the man sleeps there in the snack hut. In the middle of the night he hears the porpoises fighting. “Oh no, they must be hungry!” the man said. He bolted around the birdcage, around the lion cage, and to the aquarium. He poured in a bucket of fish, but remembered that these porpoises only eat birds. He runs around the aquarium, around the lion cage to the bird cage. He grabs as many birds as he can. He then comes up with an idea. The lions are asleep so instead of going around the lion cage, he can go through it, saving some time. He quietly enters the lion cage, and walks to the other side. As he reaches toward the gate a helicopter and a SWAT team surround him. A voice from the helicopter yells through a megaphone, “YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!” The man, very puzzled, asks why, with his arms in the air. The man in the helicopter replies, “FOR CARRYING MINERS ACROSS STATE LIONS FOR IMMORAL PORPOISES!”
Goodbye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84jgsh/the_zoo_joke/
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My grandfather donated a kidney and was considered a hero.

I donated five and was arrested!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84jd1r/my_grandfather_donated_a_kidney_and_was/
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Do you know what’s more powerful than a mind that understands the deepest reaches of the universe?

ALS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84jcg9/do_you_know_whats_more_powerful_than_a_mind_that/
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An Old Jewish Man

A  journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to
the Western  Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long
time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he
was, walking slowly up  to the holy site.  She watched him pray and
after about 45 minutes, when  he turned to leave, using a cane and
moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims.
I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults
and to love their fellow man.
I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the
people ahead of their own interests.
I pray that everyone will be happy."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84jaco/an_old_jewish_man/
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Are you sitting on the F5 key?

Because that ass, is refreshing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84j86p/are_you_sitting_on_the_f5_key/
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My ex is still angry with me for breaking her wheelchair

I’m fine though, I know she’ll come crawling back to me soon enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84iuor/my_ex_is_still_angry_with_me_for_breaking_her/
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What’s the worst part of a redneck wedding?

Trying to decide which side of the aisle to sit on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84itpk/whats_the_worst_part_of_a_redneck_wedding/
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A man was arrested after running a red light and hitting a Chinese food delivery car.

He is charged with careless driving and wonton destruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84iswc/a_man_was_arrested_after_running_a_red_light_and/
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How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't get down from an elephant; you get down from a duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ip3m/how_do_you_get_down_from_an_elephant/
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90% of Rick and Morty fanboys think they're Rick...

... when in reality they're Jerry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84inm9/90_of_rick_and_morty_fanboys_think_theyre_rick/
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What did O say to Q?

Put that thing away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84imqc/what_did_o_say_to_q/
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Kevin goes to the doctor

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had.. Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84imfx/kevin_goes_to_the_doctor/
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A farmer, an engineer, and a mathematician are building a fence...

The farmer, drawing from his years of farming experience, tells the others about how much wood and materials they’ll need to build the pin for his sheep to graze.
The engineer, determined to find the exact amount of materials to build the fence, draws up a series of complex equations and calculates the perfect amount of materials to build the perfect pin for the farmers sheep.
The mathematician, however, has already gathered all the materials he needs and says to the others “I’ve got both of you beat”
He proceeds to build a fence in a very tight circle around himself and when he’s done he says
“I define myself as being outside of this fence”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ihlj/a_farmer_an_engineer_and_a_mathematician_are/
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A nun...

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ihke/a_nun/
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I failed a Calculus exam today.

I think I've finally found my limits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ieve/i_failed_a_calculus_exam_today/
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Banta Singh walks into a bar in London ,

orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."
Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."
Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no," He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is...
I have quit drinking"!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ibiu/banta_singh_walks_into_a_bar_in_london/
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There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence....

...... as he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ibh5/there_was_a_prison_break_and_i_saw_a_midget_climb/
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Trump allegedly had an affair with Tony the Tiger.

When reached for a comment, his response want typical: "Nope, not true. Flake news."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84i8l7/trump_allegedly_had_an_affair_with_tony_the_tiger/
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I had to move my new piano up 5 flights of stairs to my apartment but, as soon as I got to the door, I remembered something

I forgot the Keys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84i74a/i_had_to_move_my_new_piano_up_5_flights_of_stairs/
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Three little ducks go into a Bar

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84i6tm/three_little_ducks_go_into_a_bar/
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Who led the Jews across the semi-permeable membrane?

Osmoses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84i4xg/who_led_the_jews_across_the_semipermeable_membrane/
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The Jewish Samurai

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.  After a year, only three applied for the job:  a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish! *Swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"
The Jewish samurai, Yoku Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoosh!* flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that?? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead," replied Cohen in contempt. "Dead is easy.  Now circumcision, that takes real skill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84i3k1/the_jewish_samurai/
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π walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve numbers here.”
π says, “I thought I was the irrational one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84i362/π_walks_into_a_bar/
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My fathers favorite joke.

A very large man walks into a restroom. He goes up to the only vacant urinal and begins to do his business. Looking to his right and breathing a bit heavily, he remarks to the man at the next urinal “Jeez, I haven’t seen my dick in ten years.” The man at the next urinal, looking surprised, says “Wow! 10 years? Why don’t you diet?”  The large man looking a bit concerned says “Why? What color is it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84hwqx/my_fathers_favorite_joke/
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Did you hear about the emo pizza?

It cuts itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84hq62/did_you_hear_about_the_emo_pizza/
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A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. It is $2.50 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84hq4e/a_slice_of_apple_pie_in_jamaica_is_200_it_is_250/
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Gandhi's diagnosis

Now Gandhi hardly ate a thing, his frame was rather frail
But then he'd eat the strangest foods, his breath was often stale
And he walked around barefoot, so this was his diagnosis:
Super calloused fragile mystic hexxed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84hpiq/gandhis_diagnosis/
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England will in fact attend the World Cup.

They have, however, agreed to not go past the group stage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84hnyo/england_will_in_fact_attend_the_world_cup/
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I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.” and she replied, “Which doctor?”

I said, “No, the regular kind.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84hnpu/i_said_to_my_wife_i_need_to_call_the_doctor_today/
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Wreck-it-Ralph

is called Pack-it-Stan in India.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84hnf3/wreckitralph/
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A mathematician, Biologist, and a Physicist...

A mathematician, Biologist, and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84hm31/a_mathematician_biologist_and_a_physicist/
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What's the difference between 'Lamp' and 'Hard'?

I can sleep with a lamp on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84hlvp/whats_the_difference_between_lamp_and_hard/
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What instrument does it sound like when two sheep bleat in unison?

The Two-baaa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84hc3s/what_instrument_does_it_sound_like_when_two_sheep/
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84hbz6/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
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A man finds a genie lamp at an old antique store

He takes it home and is rubbing it when a genie comes out. The genie tells him that he is an older genie and because of this can only grant the man one wish. The man thinks for a while and tells the genie "well I really like traveling to Hawaii. I'd like a highway that goes all the way from California to Hawaii." The genie responds "well that is just way too complicated for me sorry. Is there anything else you want?" And the man thinks for a minute and tells the genie "well I would really love to understand women." The genie then asks "would you like a 4 lane highway or a 6 lane?"
One of my dad's favorite jokes. Thought I'd post it in honor of his birthday coming up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ha2l/a_man_finds_a_genie_lamp_at_an_old_antique_store/
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Great Legs

I went to a local bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84h4gm/great_legs/
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A chef was preparing for his busy Friday night shift…

A chef was preparing for his busy Friday night shift when his coworker called in sick. Friday nights were always busy at the restaurant and he was the only one working the kitchen. He decides to grab one of the busboys to help him cook for the night.
“Alright,” the chef says, “tonight is busy, but it’s pretty easy. Everyone comes in to order our beef mince, so that’s the only thing you’ll be preparing tonight. We have two kinds. One is spicy, while the other one has a much more calm flavor and I have the spices prepared already. I’ve been preparing most of it, so you just have to scoop some things together and cook it. To make the calm dish, just take a scoop of the beef, a scoop of the veggies, some of the spice mix, and mix an egg in to keep everything together. Then cook it and server it over the rice I have ready. The spicy one is the same except you only have to use egg whites, the whole egg will ruin the consistency and customers will complain.”
After the chefs long winded explanation the busboy nods and starts to get ready for the dinner rush. After a half an hour they get a complaint on their spicy beef mince, it being too runny. The chef reminds the busboy that only egg whites are used in the spicy dish. Again a little later there’s another complaint and the chef explains again, only use egg whites with the spicy beef mince. After this the chef is getting annoyed and decides to stop and watch the busboy when another spicy order comes in. He sees the busboy mix a whole egg into the bowl.
Fed up, the chef says, “Listen, you keep screwing up the spicy beef mince. Only egg whites go in the spicy dish, and the whole egg goes in the calm dish. Just remember…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84h1dq/a_chef_was_preparing_for_his_busy_friday_night/
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When is the bible accurate?

When thrown from a close range

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84gy3u/when_is_the_bible_accurate/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84gxmg/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
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Steve Jobs would’ve been a better president than Trump

But that’s a silly comparison, like comparing apples to oranges

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84gwgz/steve_jobs_wouldve_been_a_better_president_than/
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Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear and you never see them again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84gvoe/friends_are_like_snowflakes/
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New bull on the farm

One day the farmer decided that Clarence his bull is starting to get a bit old, so he decided to go to the market and buy a new one.
The next day the new bull Johnny came strutting off the ramp into the farm. Clarence takes one look at him and decides that he better start off on the right foot with this new bull. Being a kind hearted bull he decide to show Johnny the ropes
Now you’re new and a bit young yet so I will show you how we do things around here. First we wait till all the cows are lined up eating and then just start at one end and work your way down to the other end. Remember always be gentle, courteous and say thank you ma’am. Above all remember there’s no rush so take your time.
So Clarence starts at the one end and Johnny starts at the other end. Now Johnny being young this is the first time that he’s ever got it on. So he quickly forgets Clarence‘s advice to pace  himself and goes to town.
So he starts to work is way down the line at full tilt. “Thank you ma’am”, “thank you ma’am”, “thank you ma’am”, “thank you ma’am”, “thank you ma’am”, “thank you ma’am”, “sorry Clarence”, “thank you ma’am”, “thank you ma’am”...........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84gvnx/new_bull_on_the_farm/
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My girlfriend wants prostitution legalized so she can start a Hooker Training Course...

...I told her I disagreed with that school of thot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84gucr/my_girlfriend_wants_prostitution_legalized_so_she/
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Interesting Stat.

While talking to girl:
"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"
"No, what?"
"Yea, I figured you were in the first group."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84gu4o/interesting_stat/
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"How much to buy a singing ensemble?"

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
"Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84gtlx/how_much_to_buy_a_singing_ensemble/
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My girlfriend is so smart!

I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84gr75/my_girlfriend_is_so_smart/
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It may only look like 3.14 inches...

But it will feel like it goes in forever.
Happy Pi day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84gqql/it_may_only_look_like_314_inches/
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I hope I pass away like my grandpa. Peacefully in his sleep.

Not wide awake like his passengers.
Edited because I suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84gnly/i_hope_i_pass_away_like_my_grandpa_peacefully_in/
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Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84gjxj/why_do_jews_get_circumcised/
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Why dont people tell jokes about The Reverend Jim Jones?

Because the punch line is too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ggjd/why_dont_people_tell_jokes_about_the_reverend_jim/
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This Cracked Me Up.

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84gfy6/this_cracked_me_up/
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I’ve just bought anti-anxiety pills

But I’m too afraid to take them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84gc2x/ive_just_bought_antianxiety_pills/
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I'm declaring war on calendars

Their days are numbered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84g9uv/im_declaring_war_on_calendars/
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If time is relative...

... can a joke about Hawking dying be "too soon"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84g6u3/if_time_is_relative/
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Why did 10 die?

Because it was in the middle of 9 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84g4r4/why_did_10_die/
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In honor of Pi day

I’m going to be irrational all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84g2yr/in_honor_of_pi_day/
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How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

One: but the bulb has to really WANT to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84g053/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.
For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins.
First, the MI5 leaves for the forest. When they emerge eight hours later, they carry a live rabbit in a cage.
"We posted lookouts around the forest, and after spotting the rabbit, we shadowed it until it showed us his hideout, we then just placed the cage over the entrance and waited for the rabbit to fall in our trap. Neat and simple."
Now, it's the turn of the CIA. They leave into the forest and emerge four hours later, holding a rabbit which seems to have been shot and badly beaten several times.
"We used satellite surveillance to aquire our target, but during the tracking with four inconspicious vans, the subject tried to escape, so we had to use drastic measures. Still counts." Nobody objects.
Now, it was the turn of the KGB. The four agents disappear into the forest, and return after only an hour. But they are not carrying a rabbit, but hold a bear between two of the agents. The bear is badly bruised, has a limp and keeps his gaze to the ground. Absently, he mumbles "I am a rabbit. My parents were both rabbits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fxan/the_mi5_the_cia_and_the_kgb_are_having_a/
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Burial Plans

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried face down, and I know he won't ask for directions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fupw/burial_plans/
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Why hasn't Liam Neeson been nominated for another Oscar in the last 10 years?

All his roles have been Taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84frqs/why_hasnt_liam_neeson_been_nominated_for_another/
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Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine shut off and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors’ daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors’ daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was fired from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Shelly
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine... Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.
WALTER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fqt3/why_men_shouldnt_write_advice_columns/
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C, Eb, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fp4e/c_eb_and_g_walk_into_a_bar/
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All states should legalize marijuana and redirect the resulting tax revenues to road repair

We'll call the program "Operation Pot Holes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fou6/all_states_should_legalize_marijuana_and_redirect/
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My favorite restaurant

I went to my favorite restaurant on valentines day and it was full. There was no place to sit and the wait was over an hour.
I took out my phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, "Hey, get over here! She's here with someone else!"
Three couples got up and quickly left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fmwa/my_favorite_restaurant/
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What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

Addictionary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fmpj/what_do_you_call_a_dictionary_on_drugs/
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Schrodinger‘s cat

walks into a bar and also doesn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fkoe/schrodingers_cat/
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My orgasms are like karaoke

They often involve drunken women and sound absolutely ridiculous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fj1f/my_orgasms_are_like_karaoke/
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First Pancake

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. They both said they wanted pancakes. As the pancakes were almost finished and the syrup was being heated in the microwave, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother, who was also a Sunday School teacher, saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. She said, “If Jesus were sitting here, he would say ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fcdk/first_pancake/
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On Einstein’s birthday, let us not forget about his brother.

Frank. He created a monster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fca3/on_einsteins_birthday_let_us_not_forget_about_his/
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What do you call a gun made out of sodium chloride?

A salt rifle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fbrc/what_do_you_call_a_gun_made_out_of_sodium_chloride/
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A Red Dwarf star, a Main Sequence star, and a neutron star are all hanging out and telling stories.

The Red Dwarf decides to share a joke. He says, "What’s a light-year?"
"It's the same as a regular year, but with less calories!" All three burst into laughter.
After a few minutes the neutron star confesses that he didn't get the joke. Both the Main Sequence star and the Red Dwarf turn to him with confused looks. Finally the Red Dwarf says, "Dude, you are one dense mother fucker!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fb41/a_red_dwarf_star_a_main_sequence_star_and_a/
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President Trump should be an interior designer

He's really good at switching cabinets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fb05/president_trump_should_be_an_interior_designer/
%
An atheist vegan crossfitter who went to Harvard and doesn't own a TV walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, orders a beer, turns to the guy next to him...
...and has no idea what to say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84fad1/an_atheist_vegan_crossfitter_who_went_to_harvard/
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I've never liked the flavor of cranberries..

the bitter taste *lingers* too much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84f98l/ive_never_liked_the_flavor_of_cranberries/
%
I was awoken with a sloppy blowjob this morning.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84f95z/i_was_awoken_with_a_sloppy_blowjob_this_morning/
%
I overheard a joke a man told to his girlfriend

He said "Knock knock"
She responded with "Who's there?"
"Marry"
"Marry who?"
"Marry me"
She was very surprised, and said yes to him.
&nbsp;
I decided to try this joke on my own girlfriend.
So I said "Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Marry"
"Who the fuck is this Mary bitch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84f5fa/i_overheard_a_joke_a_man_told_to_his_girlfriend/
%
I took my wife's medication this morning, just to see what the side effects were.

Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best mate..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84f567/i_took_my_wifes_medication_this_morning_just_to/
%
An Irishman is drinking at a pub when God Himself appears to him

"Pat McGinty! If you don't stop your drinking, I'll make you smaller and smaller until you become a mouse!"
Shocked, Pat rushes home to think. His wife notices his duress and asks him what's wrong.  Somberly, Patrick looks up and says "God just appeared to me. He told me we had to get rid of the cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84f3k0/an_irishman_is_drinking_at_a_pub_when_god_himself/
%
I tried to play frisbee with my dog today but he was useless.

I think I need a flatter dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84f3i4/i_tried_to_play_frisbee_with_my_dog_today_but_he/
%
My dad died because of a lack of exercise.

He didn't run when the bus was coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84f3ce/my_dad_died_because_of_a_lack_of_exercise/
%
I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the universe was

He replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84f35l/i_asked_god_what_the_most_unlikely_thing_in_the/
%
What is the best website find information about a DJ?

Wikiwikiwikipedia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84f2m7/what_is_the_best_website_find_information_about_a/
%
I sold my new Lincoln continental to Matthew Mcconaughy and he brought it back an hour later.....

He was pissed that the car couldn’t turn left, it just goes all right, all right, all right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84f1ik/i_sold_my_new_lincoln_continental_to_matthew/
%
Little Johnny's for the first time seeing a girl having period......

Little Johnny was getting ready to leave school when he heard his friend panicking. He walks to his friend
Little Johnny: "Hey, are you okay? What's wrong?"
Girl: "LITTLE JOHNNY! You have to help me! I am bleeding and I do not know why and I am so scared and I do not know what to do! You have to help me! Please!"
Little Johnny: "You're bleeding?! Okay, okay, where are you bleeding?"
She points down at her skirt
Little Johnny: "Hmm, now I see some of the blood, well, I guess I can take a look and give you my opinion?"
She pulls down her skirt and underwear. Little Johnny takes a look, a few seconds go by...
Girl: "So, Little Johnny, what do you think is wrong?!"
Little Johnny: "Well, I ain't a doctor, but one thing is for sure. Looks like someone tore your balls off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84f1cj/little_johnnys_for_the_first_time_seeing_a_girl/
%
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ez8a/who_was_the_roundest_knight_at_king_arthurs_round/
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Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?
Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping, I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.
Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.
The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.
Teacher: My goodness! Why the swelling?
Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping. I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad & mom start moving, mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up an making noises.
Then my dad asked my mom, "Are you coming?"
Mom said, "Yes, I'm coming, are you coming too?"
Dad answered "Yes"
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said "Wait for me, I'm coming too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ewqp/little_johnny_came_to_class_all_beat_up/
%
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in the same room?

100 people that don’t do dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ewd1/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_50_lesbians_and_50/
%
Bear walks into bar...

Bear asks deer...
(Time passes)
“Can I have a drink?”
Deer says, “why the long paws?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84evef/bear_walks_into_bar/
%
I was choking on some alphabet pasta when a lady asked if I needed help.

She took the words right out of my mouth.
[OC]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84etf1/i_was_choking_on_some_alphabet_pasta_when_a_lady/
%
Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt?

Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!
- Anthony Jeselneck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84es7k/why_do_lottery_winners_always_go_bankrupt/
%
LPT: When you get a pet rock

Don't take it for granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84eryf/lpt_when_you_get_a_pet_rock/
%
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because all of them that could run, jump, or swim are in the U.S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84eqqk/why_doesnt_mexico_have_an_olympic_team/
%
How do you know if you're an American?

If someone mentions "marine life" and you think of soldiers before fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84eqp6/how_do_you_know_if_youre_an_american/
%
I made a contest to see which silkworm would produce more silk.

But it just ended up in a tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84eow4/i_made_a_contest_to_see_which_silkworm_would/
%
What language is the least spoken language in the world ?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84elji/what_language_is_the_least_spoken_language_in_the/
%
My grandfather donated his kidney and was considered a hero

I donated 5 and was arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ekue/my_grandfather_donated_his_kidney_and_was/
%
Should boobs be seen as a single thing...

....or separate entitties?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ekfk/should_boobs_be_seen_as_a_single_thing/
%
You're in the Army Now

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a South Alabama man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ejwx/youre_in_the_army_now/
%
Stephen Hawking has passed at the age of 76.

ALS well that ends well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ejhf/stephen_hawking_has_passed_at_the_age_of_76/
%
My girlfriend said there's nothing wrong with having a 4 inch long penis...

But I'd prefer she didn't have one at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84egoa/my_girlfriend_said_theres_nothing_wrong_with/
%
A nun in sunday school asks a girl what she wants to be when she grows up

"A prostitute!" she says.
The nun is appalled.
"young lady, WHAT did you say?!"
the girl replies "A prostitute".
the nun lets out a sigh of relief
"oh thank goodness, I thought you said 'protestant"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84eefs/a_nun_in_sunday_school_asks_a_girl_what_she_wants/
%
Why do robots prefer one night stands?

They like to nut and bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ecrx/why_do_robots_prefer_one_night_stands/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands
You should upvote because this joke never gets old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ecpt/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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In accordance with Steak and BJ day, I would like my steak Medium Rare

and my blowjob well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ebmz/in_accordance_with_steak_and_bj_day_i_would_like/
%
Jean Paul and Jean Pierre are hanging out at the beach.

Jean Paul asks, "hey Jean Pierre, look at all the beautiful ladies here. How do you get them to pay attention to you?"
Jean Pierre says, "my friend, here is a little secret for you. Just take a potato and put it in your speedo, and the women will flock to you."
The next day, Jean Paul comes to Jean Pierre and says, "hey Jean Pierre, I did what you say, I put a potato in my speedo but all the women ran away from me!"
Jean Pierre replies, "no, no Jean Paul! You're supposed to put the potato in the front of the speedo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84dy9k/jean_paul_and_jean_pierre_are_hanging_out_at_the/
%
A man goes to an ice sculpture showcase...

At the showcase, hundreds of people were milling around admiring the works of art. But for some reason, everyone was really quiet and only whispering. The man, being a talkative and social guy, did not like this so he tried to change the mood.
He went around to different groups of people and tried to strike up a conversation with some of them. But, people either pushed him away or just ignored him.
In a fit of frustration, he grabbed the nearest ice sculpture and smashed it on the ground. Amazingly, it didn't shatter. The man started stomping on it. Again, the ice sculpture didn't even crack a bit. Enraged, the man threw everything he got at it, punching, kicking and stomping. Somehow, the ice sculpture still remained intact.
Around him, people were horrified. An old lady called out "What are you doing! That's my sculpture!"
The man looked around, embarrassed "Oh, I was just trying to break the ice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84drdj/a_man_goes_to_an_ice_sculpture_showcase/
%
I can recite pi to 1,000 digits

Well, not the first 1,000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84dpyu/i_can_recite_pi_to_1000_digits/
%
What did the mathematician say about the death of his pet parrot?

"Polynomial. Polygon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84dpnw/what_did_the_mathematician_say_about_the_death_of/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather,

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84doyp/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
So, I gave all of my dead batteries away today...

but no worries, they were free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84dkqo/so_i_gave_all_of_my_dead_batteries_away_today/
%
What's worse than a baby in the trash can?

Two babies in the trash can.
What's worse than two babies in the trash can?
A baby in two trash cans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84dk5w/whats_worse_than_a_baby_in_the_trash_can/
%
Two guys were in a running competition

The first one said ”Hey! You dropped something!”
The other one, stopped and looked around confused. ”What did I drop?!”
”Your speed!” He replied as he ran into first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84dhcz/two_guys_were_in_a_running_competition/
%
An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.
"How is that possible?" said the officer. "That wall was solid concrete!"
The warden quietly inspected the cell. After a few minutes, he exited and said, "He seems to have built a pick out of the eating utensils we gave him and used it to make the hole."
The warden and officer continued to the next cell that contained the physicist. However, he too was gone and once again there was a hole in the wall. And of course, the warden inspected the cell and returned after a few minutes.
The warden declared, "According to the papers on his bed, he very carefully calculated the weakest point on the wall and repeatedly hit it with a rock until it broke open."
Finally, they arrived at the last cell that contained the mathematician. Unfortunately, he lay dead on the cell floor from starvation. The officer sighed. "After the other two, I would have expected he would have also escaped. He also has some papers on his bed." The warden entered the cell and picked up the papers. Then he shook his head and chuckled.
"It appears," the warden said, "that he spent several days writing a very detailed proof that it was possible to break the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84dh61/an_engineer_physicist_and_mathematician_have_been/
%
I decided to put laxatives in my weed brownies...

Just for shits and giggles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84dglc/i_decided_to_put_laxatives_in_my_weed_brownies/
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There's a horse in our front yard!

Husband says to his wife. Honey look out the window, there is a horse in the front yard. She replies: that's no horse, that's a cow! Honey, I said look out the window, not in the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84devu/theres_a_horse_in_our_front_yard/
%
Always remember that other people aren't responsible for your happiness.

They're responsible for your unhappiness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ddav/always_remember_that_other_people_arent/
%
You know what they say about Pi Day...

It really is an irrational holiday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84dcd8/you_know_what_they_say_about_pi_day/
%
What do you get if you cross Prince Charles and The Queen?

Killed in a tunnel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84dbxp/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_prince_charles_and/
%
Where would you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84dap2/where_would_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding up trees?

Because they’re bloody good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84dakt/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_up_trees/
%
A bear is walking in the woods...

And he saw a big cave. Hoping there was food, he walked in and after a few steps a Giant grabs him and yells:
-Why are you in my cave?
-I taught there was food?
-There is no food, why are you here? Do you want me to fuck you or to kill you?
-No, I just...
-Fuck you or kill you?
-Okay... fuck me.
And the giant writes in his planner for the next days date:"7 a.m.-fuck the bear"
And he sends the bear away until tommorow.
The bear walks home and bumps into wolf.
The wolf seeing the bear is not in the best mood he asks him what's up.
The bear says:" Well i was walking around and found a cave..." he cheers up quickly "...and a found a cave fillwd with meat. But since i only eat fish I was wondering if you would like to go there?"
The wolf hears the directions and runs as fast as he can.
He walked in and after a few steps a Giant grabs him and yells:
-Why are you in my cave?
-I taught there was food?
-There is no food, why are you here? Do you want me to fuck you or to kill you?
-No, I just...
-Fuck you or kill you?
-Okay... fuck me.
And the giant writes in his planner for the next days date:"8 a.m.-fuck the wolf"
And he sends the wolf away until tommorow.
The wolf walks home and bumps into a rabit.
The rabbitseeing the wolf is not in the best mood he asks him what's up.
The wolf says:" Well i was walking around and found a cave..." he cheers up quickly "...and a found a cave filled with carrots. But since i only eat meat I was wondering if you would like to go there?"
The rabbit hears the directions and runs as fast as he can.
He walked in and after a few steps a Giant grabs him and yells:
-Why are you in my cave?
-I taught there was food?
-There is no food, why are you here? Do you want me to fuck you or to kill you?
-No, I just...
-Fuck you or kill you?
-I don't want anything!
And the giant writes in his planner:" the rabbit doesn't want anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84d8du/a_bear_is_walking_in_the_woods/
%
What did I do wrong?

My father-in-law has been pretty depressed since losing his job last year.  I wanted to help out so I pulled some strings and got him a job at the palm reading business where I work.  I thought my wife would be thrilled but somehow here I am sleeping on the couch.  That's the thanks I get for giving her dad a hand job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84d79j/what_did_i_do_wrong/
%
I like my women like I like my mathematical constants.

Round and irrational.
Happy Pi Day everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84d2mt/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_mathematical/
%
Why is it hard to know what a baby wants?

Because when you feed it, it doesn't feedback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84d123/why_is_it_hard_to_know_what_a_baby_wants/
%
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

One has hope in her soul, and the other has soap in her hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84crag/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_in_church/
%
There was a nerd who understood every joke.

No matter how cryptic or vague the joke was, he always figured out the punchline. Soon, people started to make bets with him, trying him out. However, every time was the same, he would win the bet. His popularity rose up and soon people would crowd around him as he took more and more bets, cheering for him.
The word of his popularity reached his dad too. Afraid that his son is becoming too proud, he decided to end it for once and for all. He also made a bet and told a joke, "Love and Sex".
The nerd was completely stumped. For the first time, he couldn't figure out a joke. After thinking for minutes, he gave up and said, "I don't get it".
"Exactly", his father said as the crowd around him burst into laughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84cmty/there_was_a_nerd_who_understood_every_joke/
%
I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84cl9a/i_met_a_genie_today_who_said_he_would_grant_me/
%
My girlfriend said she's fed up with me always pretending I’m a detective, and that we should split up...

I told her that’s great, we can cover more ground that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84cl4e/my_girlfriend_said_shes_fed_up_with_me_always/
%
I bought a DVD on dealing with disappointment.

When I opened it, the box was empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ckit/i_bought_a_dvd_on_dealing_with_disappointment/
%
Mr Singh walks into a London bank and asks for the loan officer

He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Singh, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Singh leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Mr Singh returns, repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84cjm5/mr_singh_walks_into_a_london_bank_and_asks_for/
%
Happy Pi Day

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π.
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84cg0d/happy_pi_day/
%
So OJ Simpson is walking through the woods with his new girlfriend...

So OJ Simpson is walking through the woods with his new girlfriend and it starts to get dark.
"It's getting dark, Juice, I'm scared," she says.
OJ turns to her and says,"You're scared?! I gotta walk out of these woods alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84cf45/so_oj_simpson_is_walking_through_the_woods_with/
%
I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act and it was one of those automated phone system which said...

“Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84cegg/i_called_to_buy_tickets_for_an_elvis_tribute_act/
%
My wife can only orgasm through anal

I oblige, but boy am I sore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ce37/my_wife_can_only_orgasm_through_anal/
%
I have a polish friend who is a sound technician.

and a Czech one. A Czech one too. A Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84cd98/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_is_a_sound_technician/
%
I told my boss I think I deserve a promotion

He said that's why I'm not the boss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ccvx/i_told_my_boss_i_think_i_deserve_a_promotion/
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The priests rooster

The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.
He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.
"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.
"No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84c9iu/the_priests_rooster/
%
Two cows got in a fight..

One started to march towards the other, while the other got scared.
One was cowrageous.
The other was a coward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84c4gk/two_cows_got_in_a_fight/
%
65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84c4br/65000011_years_ago/
%
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Its not a question

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84c1nx/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_has_9_letters_but/
%
What did 0 say to 8?

-sigh-
“Nice belt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84c0vi/what_did_0_say_to_8/
%
Why do Jews watch porn backwards?

Because their favorite part is when the hooker gives the money back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84bvzl/why_do_jews_watch_porn_backwards/
%
Two priests drive around at night.

Going through a wooded area, they are stopped by the police. Seeing he just has stopped two men of the cloth, the officer mutters: "Excuse me, but we are looking for a child molester..." The priests  stick their heads together, and after a short whispered discussion, exclaim: "OK, we'll do it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84bvaz/two_priests_drive_around_at_night/
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I was going to post a time traveling joke.

But you guys didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84bv6b/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_traveling_joke/
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Life starts with everyone cheering you when you poop

It goes drastically downhill from there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84bq1o/life_starts_with_everyone_cheering_you_when_you/
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What do you call a blonde with dyed hair?

Artificial intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84bpnm/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_dyed_hair/
%
My girlfriend told me, "I need it! I'm so wet! Give it to me, now!"

I told her she can scream all she wants, she's not getting my umbrella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84bod5/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_need_it_im_so_wet_give_it/
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What did a pile of sand say to another in sahara

Long time no sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84bmgc/what_did_a_pile_of_sand_say_to_another_in_sahara/
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Hitler went to see a fortune seer

. He walked in and demanded to know on what day he would die.
The seer replied "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
Hitler wanted more in information than that, and asked "Which holiday?"
The seer just smirked and said "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84bjwu/hitler_went_to_see_a_fortune_seer/
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A beautiful woman...

In fact the most beautiful sexy woman I have ever seen walked into the store I was working at. I told myself, "don't get a hard on. Don't get a hard on."
Sure enough, she had a hard on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84bh9x/a_beautiful_woman/
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What do you call a cow with epilepsy?

Beef Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84bdu2/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_epilepsy/
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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN v/s MAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked ... with beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84b9ru/how_to_impress_a_woman_vs_man/
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Why does Santa have a huge sack?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84b77s/why_does_santa_have_a_huge_sack/
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"Ok children, lets play a guessing game..."

"Ok Jimmy", said Ms. Par, " I have something behind my back that is round, orange and is a piece of fruit, what is it?"
"That's easy" says Jimmy, "Its an orange!"
"Nope, its a tangerine, but it shows you're thinking."
Jimmy holds up his hand and says " Ok Ms.  Par, I have one for you." the kid reaches into his front pocket and says, "In my hand is something stiff, with a red tip and is about one inch long. What is it?"
"JIMMY!!!!!" exclaims the teacher
The kid smiles, takes his hand out of his pocket and says
"Nope, its a match.... But it shows your thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84b72l/ok_children_lets_play_a_guessing_game/
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Husband of the year.

A couple is going to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies "Autumn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84b6pj/husband_of_the_year/
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I lost my mood ring today.

I don't know how to feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ay60/i_lost_my_mood_ring_today/
%
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?

their, there, they're.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ao4u/how_do_you_comfort_a_grammar_fanatic/
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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84amx4/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_my_very_first_day/
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How can smoking be bad for you...

it cures salmon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84ak28/how_can_smoking_be_bad_for_you/
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Lorraine

So imagine you are dating this girl named Lorraine, she is AWFUL. She stalks you, goes through your phone, and other crazy girlfriend things. The times you have tried to break up with her is countless but she always weasels her way out of it and you find yourself not doing it.
However there is this girl named Claire Lee. She is absolutely amazing, smart, pretty, overall a 10/10. You guys are just friends because you are “dating Lorraine” but you want to be so much more.
So you and Lorraine are out at dinner and all of a sudden Lorraine proposes to you. You have no idea what to say and somehow you actually agree with it because she is that convincing.
A few months pass by and it is your wedding day. You are standing at the altar waiting for Lorraine to walk down the aisle. Then out of nowhere someone comes running in screaming “LORRAINE IS GONE! LORRAINE IS GONE!” Nobody knows where Lorraine is. Somebody says they think they saw her leave in a car a few minutes ago. Everyone is freaking out but all you can think is
“I can see Clair Lee now Lorraine is gone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84adl8/lorraine/
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What do you call a woman who is willing to sleep with someone in exchange for adderall?

An attention whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84a6zl/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_is_willing_to_sleep/
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Whenever I undress in the bathroom...

My shower gets turned on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84a1xw/whenever_i_undress_in_the_bathroom/
%
Why aren’t lifeguards good at saving hippies?

Because they’re too far out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/849u5o/why_arent_lifeguards_good_at_saving_hippies/
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What kind of wood makes the best chairs?

Cherry wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/849sx6/what_kind_of_wood_makes_the_best_chairs/
%
A pastor's wife was shopping...

...and a man approached her, wanting to know if she wanted to buy some dam fish. She berated him for the language and he said, "No, I caught it by the dam." Then she got some of the fish.
Then she runs into her friend. The pastor's wife had to tell her friend all about the dam fish. The friend berated her for being the pastor's wife and talking like that, when she explained, "The man caught the fish by the dam."
Then she finally returns home. Her husband asked her what was for supper, and she said she'd fix some dam fish. He asked her about her language and she said the fish was caught by the dam.
So at the table, everyone was eating. The pastor said to his wife, "This is the best dam fish I ever had."
Then the teen son speaks up. You can both have all the damn fish that you want. I just want some more of the motherf--king mashed potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/849os1/a_pastors_wife_was_shopping/
%
What was a more important invention then the first phone?

The second one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/849mj7/what_was_a_more_important_invention_then_the/
%
Why do recovering addicts make good bankers?

They have a lot of experience with withdrawals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/849jix/why_do_recovering_addicts_make_good_bankers/
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I opened both my water and my electricity bills at once.

Needless to say, I was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/849f0r/i_opened_both_my_water_and_my_electricity_bills/
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Interesting Title Here

Pun time!!
Q: What do you call dental x-rays? A: Tooth pics.
Q: What do you call a group of babies? A: An infantry.
Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? A: He pasta away.
Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? A: Because they lactose.
Q: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A: A dinosnore.
Q: Which way did the programmer go? A: He went data way.
Q: How does NASA organize a party? A: They planet.
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? A: Same middle name.
Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye? A: Between you and me, something smells.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts.
Q: What do you call an alligator that wears a vest? A: An investigator.
Q: Are mountains just funny? A: No. They are hill areas.
Q: Why didn't the bicycle stand up on its own? A: It was two tyred.
Q: What did the window feel when it was hit by a stone? A: It felt the pane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/849a6x/interesting_title_here/
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they'll just beat the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8499gr/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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[NSFW] What did Robocop say when they gave him a penis attachment?

"Dead or alive, you're cumming with me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8494qy/nsfw_what_did_robocop_say_when_they_gave_him_a/
%
I hate Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8493hx/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
What do the movies 'Titanic' and 'The Sixth Sense' have in common?

Icy dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8492st/what_do_the_movies_titanic_and_the_sixth_sense/
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first,

But by the end I kinda liked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8491uu/i_just_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome_it/
%
Why are there no Jewish Jedi family's?

Because they have no force kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84900d/why_are_there_no_jewish_jedi_familys/
%
My roommate's cellphone broke

He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848ztj/my_roommates_cellphone_broke/
%
A long time ago, the Pope decrees that all Jews in the Vatican must convert or leave...

There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The pope raised three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the pope waved his hands around in the air. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that the pope stood and declared that he was beaten. The rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay.
Later the cardinals met with the pope and asked him what had happened.
The pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my hands around to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and water, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue.  He had an answer to everything.  How could I continue with my decree after that?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he had won.
"First," said the rabbi, "he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848yx0/a_long_time_ago_the_pope_decrees_that_all_jews_in/
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Timmy Got a Job!

Timmy boy, a young hobo who left home in search for wealth, got his 14th job in the 3 months he has been traveling. His first shift at Bob’s Animal Candies Inc. started at 9 am, Tuesday. After working for hours at the breath fresheners’ line, he began to get bored, so Timmy decided to take a break to get a snack. He decided on eggs, his favorite food. However he only enjoys the whites, so He hooked up his George Foreman, and got to cooking. He set the cup of separated egg yolk onto the side of the mint machine, and proceeded to enjoy his favorite egg whites. Unfortunately, when he started seasoning the egg whites, he knocked the yolks into the machine. It churned and groaned as Timmy panicked. He eventually decided he would just wait it out, and if the company got on his case he would find a new job. The next day, The company receives a call from a local farmer.
“Whatever you did with that new batch of mints, KEEP EM COMIN! My cows have never had fresher breath, and they even seem happier as a result.”
The CEO makes a personal visit to Timmy, and Timmy spills the beans. He tells the CEO that he accidentally spilled egg yolk into the mints. The CEO immediately promoted Timmy and ordered all branches add egg yolk to all their machines. Profits roll in, but the yolk brings political backlash from animal rights organizations. They say animals shouldn’t be forced to eat eggs, when cows are herbivores. The company, not wanting the fight the public, decided to use artificial yolk. The artificial yolk had the same effect with all animals, except with the cows. The company explained this to the public, claiming they would only use real egg yolk in the mints made for cows. They made the call to the press that
The real yolk is always in the cow mints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848xcw/timmy_got_a_job/
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What did Kendrick Lamar say when he a walked into a tree?

"Birch, don't kill my vibe. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848vzg/what_did_kendrick_lamar_say_when_he_a_walked_into/
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Went to the sperm clinic earlier

The Nurse asked if I would masturbate in the cup
I said "I'm good but not ready to compete in a tournament yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848vgd/went_to_the_sperm_clinic_earlier/
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The sun is like bread

It rises in the yeast
And settles in the waist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848szq/the_sun_is_like_bread/
%
What did the public masturbator say to the bus driver?

"This is where I get off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848syu/what_did_the_public_masturbator_say_to_the_bus/
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Did you hear about the fire at the magic shop?

meh, it was all smoke and mirrors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848r8h/did_you_hear_about_the_fire_at_the_magic_shop/
%
Did ya hear the one about the three brothers “Hop, Skip and Jump” ?

They were very close

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848pr4/did_ya_hear_the_one_about_the_three_brothers_hop/
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A mother was putting her 3 children to sleep...

A mother was putting her 3 children to sleep.
As she kisses his first-born, he asks:
"Mom, why I am called Snowy?"
To that, she replied:
"Well, that's because when you were born, some snow fell on your forehead"
After she kisses his second son, he asks:
"Mom, why I am called Sandy?"
She replies:
"Well, that's because when you were born, some sand fell on your forehead"
After she kisses his third child, called Bricky, he asks:
"WALDAWADILTRAPLSBRUHHSTRWL"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848ogl/a_mother_was_putting_her_3_children_to_sleep/
%
Pig with a wooden leg

A man was driving past a farm and noticed a pig in the fenced area that had a wooden leg.  He stopped to talk to the farmer and asked "Why does that pig have a wooden leg?". The farmer replied "Let me tell you about that pig. We had a smoky fire in the kitchen last month during the middle of the night and that pig dragged me and my wife and three kids to safety?'  The man said "Wow, is that how he hurt his leg?". "Nah, " said the farmer " You just don't eat a pig like that all at once"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848nts/pig_with_a_wooden_leg/
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A 3 year old told me this joke: what's in the sky and jiggles?

A jellycopter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848lkz/a_3_year_old_told_me_this_joke_whats_in_the_sky/
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My doctor has advised me to start running

I'm not Ill, I’m just shagging his wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848hs6/my_doctor_has_advised_me_to_start_running/
%
Little Bobby was running through the woods

behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants and did his business in the exact same spot in hopes of seeing how many flies he could gather.
After a couple weeks of doing this, Bobby had created a rather tall pile of dung. So tall, in fact, that he now needed to use a step ladder to make sure he had a stable poo-pole developing. A curious neighbor caught sight of Bobby doing this, and after confronting Bobby, the neighbor punched Bobby in the face and told him to grow the hell up.
Over the next few days, word of Bobby's droppings had spread around town. It started with just a few people a day coming up to Bobby, punching him in the face, and telling him the errs of his way. It wasn't long until there was a line of over 50 people waiting to see Bobby's poo-pole and to subsequently punch him in the face. The line moved pretty slowly, however, and someone towards the back of the line had to take care of some business of his own. Not wanting to leave his spot, he dropped his pants answered nature's call right then and there.
The stench of his droppings spread quickly throughout the line. One gentleman towards the front of the line caught its stench when he saw Bobby's creation, admiration spreading across his face. The man at the front of the line turned around and said "that was a good shit post, but this punchline stinks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848hfo/little_bobby_was_running_through_the_woods/
%
A new STD I had never heard about

Bobby and Ginger were making passionate love in Bobby’s mini van when suddenly Ginger, not at all shy, yelled out ''Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!''
Bobby, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the window, snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip Ginger until they both collapsed in ecstasy.
About a week later, Ginger noticed that the marks left by the whipping were starting to fester a bit so she went to the doctor. The doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, ''Did you get these marks having sex?''
Ginger, a little embarrassed that she slept with Bobby (let alone that she allowed him to whip her with a mini van antenna) eventually admitted that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaimed, ''I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.”
(Edited to remove confusion re: Bobby/Bobbie)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/848e92/a_new_std_i_had_never_heard_about/
%
Two antennas sat next to each other on a roof for years

They fall in love and decide to get married.
The ceremony was not very good.
The reception was *fantastic*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84873g/two_antennas_sat_next_to_each_other_on_a_roof_for/
%
My teacher told me to take out my number two pencil.

Lady, I don't have a favorite pencil, let alone a runner up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8485f0/my_teacher_told_me_to_take_out_my_number_two/
%
What's the similarity between a coffin and a condom?

You put a stiff one in both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8483n2/whats_the_similarity_between_a_coffin_and_a_condom/
%
If at first you don't succeed

Skydiving is not for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8482am/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
Instead of using the fear of prison to dissuade criminals, we should start making them eat Tide Pods.

That would be a real crime detergent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8480sg/instead_of_using_the_fear_of_prison_to_dissuade/
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‘Can I buy a kitkat chunky?’

Assistant: ‘Of course Sir’ *hands kitkat chunky over*
Customer: ‘No chunky, I want a regular kitkat’
(Sorry, first post, I’m not great at jokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/847zpk/can_i_buy_a_kitkat_chunky/
%
How come “new” and “knew” were not allowed words at the gay pride spelling bee?

Because they are homophonic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/847xri/how_come_new_and_knew_were_not_allowed_words_at/
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A farmer counted 198 cows in his field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/847vfn/a_farmer_counted_198_cows_in_his_field/
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If, on any given Sunday, you took all the people who fall asleep during church and laid them down end to end

They would all be a lot more comfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/847rye/if_on_any_given_sunday_you_took_all_the_people/
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Three Soviet men, away from home on factory surveys, are staying in a hotel and trying to kill time.

First it's just some idle chitchat, then at some point one of them decides to prank his companions and excuses himself. He goes out of the room and asks a maid to bring them all tea in fifteen minutes or so. He then gets back and casually slips in a joke. Fifteen minutes later they are all enthusiastically exchanging offensive jokes about the Party, Stalin and even Lenin himself.
Suddenly the prankster becomes serious and says: 'Actually, I think we should watch what we're saying. Look, even this socket here is probably bugged.' With this, he says into the socket nearest to his bed, 'Can we have three teas in room 340, please?' Everybody laughs.
But lo and behold, almost instantly there's a knock on the door and there's the maid with the three teas. The room instantly becomes very quiet as the men hurriedly drink up their teas and silently go to bed. The prankster, chuckling quietly to himself, falls asleep very happy with his little joke.
He wakes up in the middle of the night to sounds of plainclothesmen taking his buddies away. He jumps out of bed, unsure what to do, and just as the party is about to leave, the last man turns, shakes him warmly by the hand and says,
'Well done, comrade Sidorov. The Major particularly liked your socket joke.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/847qt3/three_soviet_men_away_from_home_on_factory/
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100% of people surveyed say they prefer their right butt cheek.

I guess that means the other one is always left behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/847qmm/100_of_people_surveyed_say_they_prefer_their/
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I asked my parents how they coped with boredom before the internet

It turns out my 18 brothers and sisters don’t know either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/847pnu/i_asked_my_parents_how_they_coped_with_boredom/
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Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon, I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/847p3k/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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What is a sex-addicted chemist’s favorite experiment?

Making a hormone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/847nyr/what_is_a_sexaddicted_chemists_favorite_experiment/
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"Honey, I'm late"

Wife: "Honey, I'm late"
Husband: "You're late? I should buy you a watch."
W: "No, I meant that I might be pregnant. "
H: "I know. I was making a dad joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/847n2l/honey_im_late/
%
Someone made a rude comment towards me for breast feeding in public recently.

But what am I supposed to do? A mans got to eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/847n2a/someone_made_a_rude_comment_towards_me_for_breast/
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A pensioner drove his new Mercedes at 100mph.

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/847lwe/a_pensioner_drove_his_new_mercedes_at_100mph/
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and well... your fishing business is screwed dude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/847flo/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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Two aliens are speaking with each other in outer space, inspecting Earth

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons".
The second alien looks at the first and inquires, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien replies, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/847egq/two_aliens_are_speaking_with_each_other_in_outer/
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How do you know a joke on r/jokes is original?

It fails to reach the front page...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8473vs/how_do_you_know_a_joke_on_rjokes_is_original/
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Dads are like boomerangs

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8473ec/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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To the guy that's bad at building fences...

Oops, wrong place for this post.
Figured i'd put it in the right place and re-post it for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8473aq/to_the_guy_thats_bad_at_building_fences/
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Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks

Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining).   Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella
Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/846xiu/guy_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_i_always/
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Guy calls a bicycle wheel company

Says, "I'd like to speak to your spokesperson"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/846wth/guy_calls_a_bicycle_wheel_company/
%
I got to the factory this morning ready for my usual day of boxing up milk cartons, when...

my boss walked up to me and said, "I'm afraid there was a problem last night. Some idiot on a forklift dropped the sugar in to the milk condenser."
"Oh, shit", I said, "how much was contaminated?"
"I'm not gonna lie," he said, "... all of it... I'm afraid that for the rest of the day, you'll be packing fudge".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/846vw0/i_got_to_the_factory_this_morning_ready_for_my/
%
What do you call a book club with only one book?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/846sr2/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_with_only_one_book/
%
The House Intelligence Committee

Shoot, I put the punchline in the title again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/846so7/the_house_intelligence_committee/
%
Recently, I’ve been arguing with my wife a lot when I visit her at work....

After all, the customer is always right!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/846qrr/recently_ive_been_arguing_with_my_wife_a_lot_when/
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How do you know when a blondie has had a bad day?

She has a tampon behind her ear and cant find her pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/846pvp/how_do_you_know_when_a_blondie_has_had_a_bad_day/
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I couldn’t figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching CNN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/846nub/i_couldnt_figure_out_why_the_season_of_the/
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A man gets into an accident on his motorcycle

A man is riding his Harley at night.  He suddenly swerves to avoid hitting a deer, loses control and lands in a ditch, severely banging his head. Dazed and confused, he crawls out of the ditch to the edge of the road, when a shiny new convertible pulls up.  A very beautiful woman calls from the car, "Are you okay?" He notices she is wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think," he replies as he gets to his feet.  The woman opens a car door and says, "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," he answers, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insists. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she is very pretty and very persuasive and he's rather shaken and weak.  He agrees, but mutters as he gets in the car, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
She drives them to her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, they're sitting together on the couch.  He rises unsteadily to his feet and says, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she says with a smile, and unbuttons her blouse to expose the most magnificent set of breasts he's ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know.  After all, where is she now?"
"Oh," the man says, "still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/846jq5/a_man_gets_into_an_accident_on_his_motorcycle/
%
He wasn't the most fit or handsome guy, but she loved him for what he is.

A Millionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/846ckl/he_wasnt_the_most_fit_or_handsome_guy_but_she/
%
A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him

and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done!  My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!  You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you & your secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/846cay/a_lawyer_representing_a_wealthy_art_collector/
%
I knew a guy who had his left arm and left leg cut off...

To cut a long story short I’m in jail and he is dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/846906/i_knew_a_guy_who_had_his_left_arm_and_left_leg/
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For a celiac..

Nothing is a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84634i/for_a_celiac/
%
I went to my in-laws for dinner

An argument inevitably broke out and my wife told me not to take sides.
I told her  "they wont notice", as I slid the roast potatoes into my pocket "they are to distracted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84627d/i_went_to_my_inlaws_for_dinner/
%
I can't believe that there is a sex offender registry.

Who would buy gifts for these people?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8460wj/i_cant_believe_that_there_is_a_sex_offender/
%
So 2 twins are going into first grade, and they lead some new "words" on the playing field

They aren't very good words, and their mother does not like hearing them at home. So one night she tells them before tucking them in "Those aren't very good words, and there will be consequences if I here them in this house again." So they replied "Sure mom!" So the next morning she asks Jimmy "Jimmy, what would you like for breakfast today?" He replied "I want some fuckin cheerios!" Then she slapped him in the face and he fell to the ground, unconscious. So then she asked Johnny, "So Johnny, what would you like for breakfast today?" With great consideration, he replied "Well I sure shit don't want any fuckin cheerios!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/845w0a/so_2_twins_are_going_into_first_grade_and_they/
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The Two Cow Philosophy

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are eleventh the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you're not sure where they are. You'll look for them tomorrow.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A TALIBAN ORGANIZATION: You have only two cows. You load them up with explosives and herd them onto your neighbor's property where you blow them up. Your neighbor dies. You starve to death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/845vyy/the_two_cow_philosophy/
%
"Dad, does wanking give you big muscles?"

Dad: "I don't know son, but don't stop now... I'm about to cum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/845v81/dad_does_wanking_give_you_big_muscles/
%
A Man and Woman are getting it on for the first time

She takes his socks off and notices his gnarly toes
"What happen to your toes?" she asks
he says " when i was a child i suffered from Toelio"
She says "you mean Polio?
He says "no it's like polio but of the toes"
She isn't willing to let this stop her. And she slides his pants down and notices his oddly colored weirdly shaped knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asks
"in my teens i had the kneesles" he says
She said "you mean the measles?"
he says "no it's like the measles but of the knees"
Still this won't stop her. She slides his boxers down. She giggles and says "let me guess...smallcox"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/845ohd/a_man_and_woman_are_getting_it_on_for_the_first/
%
People say I'm selfish

It's an opinion I don't share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/845lo2/people_say_im_selfish/
%
A man lost an arm...

A dark humoured joke told to me by an old fellow, so ye have been warned:
A man had lost an arm.
He grew extremely depressed because of this, to the point where he was prepared to kill himself.
The noose was set, but out the window something caught his eye:
A man with no arms, and he appeared to be dancing! He seemed happy, smiling.
Amazed by this the man ran downstairs after the armless fellow and frantically asked,
“How are you so happy? I have lost one arm, yet I’m prepared to kill my self. Here you are with none and you are dancing!”
The armless man looked at him confused.
“Dancing? I am not dancing.”
They look at each other bewildered.
“I just have an itch on my butt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/845g2y/a_man_lost_an_arm/
%
Those people who are against gay marriage and say...

''In Genesis it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve'', are so narrow minded..
Everyone knows that in Genesis it was Phil Collins, Tony Banks and Mike Rutherford..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/845dl8/those_people_who_are_against_gay_marriage_and_say/
%
What do you call a Jedi that won't calm down?

Panakin Skywalker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8459d7/what_do_you_call_a_jedi_that_wont_calm_down/
%
I, a student, was sleeping in and thus missed my classes for the day. My dad woke me up to remind me that I was a student, and to act like it...

...so I went back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/845507/i_a_student_was_sleeping_in_and_thus_missed_my/
%
Nuns traveling in Transylvania.

Two nuns are driving down a winding road in Transylvania, long after the sun has set.
Mother Superior sits in the passenger's seat, and Sister Carlotta sits in the driver's seat. They are driving along in relative silence when all of a sudden a vampire lands on the hood of the car and snarls at them, baring his teeth.
"Oh no! Mother Superior! What shall we do? There's a vampire on the hood of the car!" asked Sister Carlotta.
"Honk the horn my dear, let's see if that will get rid of him" replied the Mother Superior. Sister Carlotta did as she was instructed, the horn blared loudly but the vampire did not leave.
"Oh no, Mother Superior, the vampire remains, whatever shall we do now?" Sister Carlotta asked.
"Try using the wiper blades, that may scare him off." Mother Superior replied. Sister Carlotta diligently followed the instructions, but the vampire was still on the hood of the car.
"This is just terrible! How will we escape?" Sister Carlotta's voice was shaky and nervous.
"Well, my dear, try showing him your cross." Mother Superior suggested.
Sister Carlotta rolled down the window, leaned out and yelled, "GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8451uu/nuns_traveling_in_transylvania/
%
Reputation

So this farmer is sitting around when a certain teenage boy, who has a reputation for always being honest, comes by to see him. “I’m going to die at sunrise,” says the boy, “and as my last request I want to sleep with your daughter. She says it’s all right, so what do you say?”
Well the farmer is astonished, but after thinking for a while he agrees, considering the boy’s reputation. Off the boy and his daughter go.
Later that night, his wife comes home. “I saw that boy at the market today, the one everyone says is so honest. He asked if he could date our daughter, but don’t worry, I told him you’d only let him lay a hand on her if he was about to die...where are you going?”
“To fetch my shotgun,” says the farmer. “Our daughter may have spoiled her reputation, but at least that boy can keep his.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844zst/reputation/
%
I used to think air was always free

Until I bought a bag of chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844ynn/i_used_to_think_air_was_always_free/
%
Working from home in this weather makes me want to leak classified information...

Cause I'm snowed in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844yhc/working_from_home_in_this_weather_makes_me_want/
%
An Irishman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem...

when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844y4e/an_irishman_and_his_ever_nagging_wife_were_on/
%
My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because I exaggerate too much.

I was so shocked I nearly tripped over my penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844ul1/my_girlfriend_is_threatening_to_leave_me_because/
%
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844s9e/a_guy_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_the_librarian/
%
Velcro

What a rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844rac/velcro/
%
I'm pretty bad at building fences

Oops, wrong place for this post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844qmn/im_pretty_bad_at_building_fences/
%
The 3 unwritten rules of life...

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844q1g/the_3_unwritten_rules_of_life/
%
My favorite Sex Position!

It's called WOW!
You might have not heard about that one before.....
Yeah it's where i flip your MOM over!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844q0l/my_favorite_sex_position/
%
There was a bad accident at the Air Force base.

A jeep ran over a bag of popcorn and killed two kernels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844p5n/there_was_a_bad_accident_at_the_air_force_base/
%
The pretty lady at the DMV urged me to sign up to be an organ donor.

That's when I realized she was a girl after my own heart!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844m1r/the_pretty_lady_at_the_dmv_urged_me_to_sign_up_to/
%
Yesterday, I saw an ad that said, "Radio For Sale, $1 , Volume Stuck on Full."

I can't turn that down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844l2w/yesterday_i_saw_an_ad_that_said_radio_for_sale_1/
%
Today I met a guy who's last name was Rapier.

I thought it was an awesome name, until he told me people sometimes think it's pronounced "raper".
I guess his name is a double-edged sword.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844kc6/today_i_met_a_guy_whos_last_name_was_rapier/
%
Jesus is watching.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage
was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's
your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844hlg/jesus_is_watching/
%
A lady just came up to me in the shopping centre and asked me to take apart in a survey....

Q1 - What grooming products do you use......  I don't think .. Facebook, Haribo and Puppies were the answers she was after..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844egq/a_lady_just_came_up_to_me_in_the_shopping_centre/
%
RIP boiling water.

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844bhs/rip_boiling_water/
%
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844awr/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket_and_hell_fly_for_a_day/
%
I hate when people ride one accomplishment for their whole life and brag about it all the time

Like seriously, I don’t care if you went to the freaking Moon. Do something else with your life Buzz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844134/i_hate_when_people_ride_one_accomplishment_for/
%
Hitler dies and goes to hell...

As he arrives, Satan greets him.
"Welcome to hell, Hitler." He says. "You deserve a place here for your actions. I will show you 3 rooms, and you'll have to switch places with the person inside the room. Now, follow me please."
Hitler stays silent and follows Satan. They walk into a corridor with 3 doors. Satan opens the first door. Inside, there's a fully burnt figure laying on the floor, constantly being burnt over and over by sunrays.
"Would you like to switch places?" Satan asks.
"Um... Nein, show me ze other options." Hitler responds. They walk on to the next room. Satan opens the door, revealing a man being crushed by a boulder over and over as he screams in agony with each impact.
"Would you like to switch places?" Satan asks.
"Nein. Show me ze last room." Hitler responds. Satan leads him to the last room, revealing a fat guy sitting on a chair, getting a blowjob from Kate Upton.
Without even Satan asking, Hitler grins and says "Ya, I want zis room!" He claims in excitment, thinking about the pleasures awaiting him.
Satan smiles. "Great choice, Mr. Adolf." He then turns his head to them. "Hey Kate, we found your substitute!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/844110/hitler_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."
The Mexican replied, "Scissors."
The border control officer replied, "Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/843zh5/a_mexican_attempts_to_pass_the_border/
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YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR SINS!

If you have already paid, please disregard this message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/843yac/you_will_pay_for_your_sins/
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The Black Bra

Three lady friends had their weekly lunch together. One is engaged, one is a mistress and the third has been married for 20+ years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to exchange notes at their lunch the next week.
Here's how it all went....
The story of the engaged friend:
"The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and he said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long."
The story of the mistress friend:
"Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat. Under it only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night."
The story of the married friend:
"When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a black mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said. 'What's for dinner Zorro?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/843xvb/the_black_bra/
%
I bought a thesaurus but when I got home I discovered that all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/843vcb/i_bought_a_thesaurus_but_when_i_got_home_i/
%
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

Too see the battle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/843tcz/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_view_mirrors/
%
Farm Boy

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/843nj9/farm_boy/
%
Why can't you have a nose that is 12 inches long?

Because it will be called a foot then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/843j0l/why_cant_you_have_a_nose_that_is_12_inches_long/
%
How can you tell if a Russian politician is lying?

Their lips are moving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/843g9a/how_can_you_tell_if_a_russian_politician_is_lying/
%
An old man and an old woman are sitting around a retirement home.

The old man says to the old woman: "I bet you can't guess how old I am."
The woman says "I'll give it a shot, let me try something."
She reaches down his pants and starts feeling around his privates while focusing intently.
"You're 85." she guesses.
"Wow, you're right! How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/843evs/an_old_man_and_an_old_woman_are_sitting_around_a/
%
Quitting smoking isn’t that hard.

I do it every week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/843eh6/quitting_smoking_isnt_that_hard/
%
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/843bfu/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
%
I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law.

My neighbour said ‘Well, are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8438c7/i_saw_six_men_kicking_and_punching_my_motherinlaw/
%
Making love to a woman, is like playing a violin…

I don't know how to do it…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8434uq/making_love_to_a_woman_is_like_playing_a_violin/
%
Kinky sex.

What do you call kinky sex that involves chocolate?
S & M & M

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/843329/kinky_sex/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and is getting banged by a buck?
**Still fucking no idea.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8430q5/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
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Secret of Grandpa

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
One friend further asked, ‘But your wife is also slim and energetic?’
Grandpa said, ‘that is another secret, my wife use to follow me behind checking whether I go for 5 kms or sit in a park!!!.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/842xdw/secret_of_grandpa/
%
I don't want to say my sex life is bad but...

...the only time my wife and i mix body fluids is if she doesn't flush before I pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/842svx/i_dont_want_to_say_my_sex_life_is_bad_but/
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How can an American be certain that the car he's just bought is actually new?

When it's recalled by the factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/842n2s/how_can_an_american_be_certain_that_the_car_hes/
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[first day as a car salesman]

Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/842f6i/first_day_as_a_car_salesman/
%
Baby Whale.

Baby Whale says to Dad Whale, ‘Dad where did I come from?’
Dad Whale says, ‘ You came from me son, I put a seed in Mummy Whale and it grew into you’
Baby Whale says, ‘thanks Dad’
Dad Whale says, You’re Whalecum.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/842ez9/baby_whale/
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The Truth About Nutrition

Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/842dfk/the_truth_about_nutrition/
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Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal?

Do not accept if seal is broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/842d6z/why_did_the_vet_turn_away_the_injured_sea_animal/
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I told my girlfriend that she's the only one I've ever been with

The rest were at least 8s and 9s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/842cvc/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_shes_the_only_one_ive/
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Why couldn't the monkey use the barbecue?

He wasn't a grill'a

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/842cpe/why_couldnt_the_monkey_use_the_barbecue/
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Stupid Rule.!

A new patient was quite upset when the doctor’s nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested. "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse. "That’s a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe." "That’s nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/842cna/stupid_rule/
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

BREATHE!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/842bxk/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years.

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and i'll shit on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8428ir/a_statue_of_a_man_and_a_statue_of_a_woman_stood/
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What do you call a potato smokin' a joint?

Baked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8425s3/what_do_you_call_a_potato_smokin_a_joint/
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My dog always used to chase people going past on a bike.

It got so bad, that I finally had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8425jn/my_dog_always_used_to_chase_people_going_past_on/
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Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8424f0/remember_if_your_apartment_is_hit_by_a_dolphin_do/
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Dave's in his backyard when he sees his new neighbor over the fence.

He strikes up a conversation with his new neighbor.
Dave: So neighbor, what do you do for work?
Neighbor: I'm a professional Deducer.
Dave: A Professional Deducer? What's that?
Neighbor: It's hard to explain, it's easier if I show you, watch...
The neighbor looks around Dave's backyard and spots a doghouse in the corner.
Neighbor: I see you have a doghouse over there.
Dave: Ya
Neighbor: From that I deduce you have a dog.
Dave: Well, ya.
Neighbor: From that I deduce you have children to play with that dog.
Dave: Yup.
Neighbor: Because you have children, I deduce that you have a wife.
Dave: Ya
Neighbor: From the wife I deduce that you are a heterosexual man.
Dave: Yes! That's really neat how you were able to do that from just the dog house!
The next day Dave is telling a co-worker about his new neighbor's profession.
Co-worker: Professional Deducer? What's that?
Dave: It's actually easier if I give you an example.
Co-worker: Ok.
Dave: Do you have a doghouse?
Co-worker: No
Dave: Fag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8424b9/daves_in_his_backyard_when_he_sees_his_new/
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I got arrested the other day for stealing six cans of Sprite.

They didn’t realise I picked 7 up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/842402/i_got_arrested_the_other_day_for_stealing_six/
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Why do women wear white on their wedding day?

So the dishwasher matches the stove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/841zhd/why_do_women_wear_white_on_their_wedding_day/
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What do you call a brain-dead parsnip?

A vegetable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/841wtv/what_do_you_call_a_braindead_parsnip/
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A good friend of mine asked a plumber the best way to avoid clogging the toilet. The plumber told him he should only pee and never poop.

My friend was like, "Really? No shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/841vhl/a_good_friend_of_mine_asked_a_plumber_the_best/
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What happens when you run out of Kool-aid?

No punchline!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/841uf2/what_happens_when_you_run_out_of_koolaid/
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What do you call an Alligator in a vest?

Investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/841sqz/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
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What do you do when a Belgian throws a grenade at you?

You unpin it and throw it back... (Frenchhumor)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/841r7c/what_do_you_do_when_a_belgian_throws_a_grenade_at/
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How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?

None, he fell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/841q8e/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_guy/
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What did the polyhedron get when he hit puberty?

Cubic hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/841jqj/what_did_the_polyhedron_get_when_he_hit_puberty/
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I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/841j59/i_was_at_a_party_in_middle_earth_last_night/
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I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear."

"The fear of flying?", I asked.
"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/841hwb/i_asked_my_dad_why_did_he_become_a_pilot_he_said/
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Little Timothy comes from school...

"How was school?" Asked the mom
"It was a blast! We got to make huge fires!"
"Oh that sounds scary! Are you going to do that again tomorrow at school?"
"Well there's no more school, so I can't say mom."
"Well why not?"
"It got pretty lit in there."
"You kids must've been all fired up!"
"It was blazing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/841gy1/little_timothy_comes_from_school/
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Didja hear about the guy whose wife got trapped in a vatful of ink?

She dyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/841dov/didja_hear_about_the_guy_whose_wife_got_trapped/
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I used to hate Math. But then I realised...

*...decimals have a point.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84181f/i_used_to_hate_math_but_then_i_realised/
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I think my father is doing a Half-life 3 cosplay.

Because I haven't seen him in over 10 years now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8415oy/i_think_my_father_is_doing_a_halflife_3_cosplay/
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I masturbated so good last night...

That when I woke up in the morning, my dick was in the kitchen cooking breakfast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84144l/i_masturbated_so_good_last_night/
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The average person

Has one testicle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8410nh/the_average_person/
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A girl walks up to her mom

“Mom, I’m in love with our neighbor”
Her mom looked back at her in shock “But he could be your father!”
“Age doesn’t matter, love is love”
“I don’t think you understand”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/840vtu/a_girl_walks_up_to_her_mom/
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What does the ingrateful redneck prostitute say when she's all done?

Thanks for nuttin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/840uuz/what_does_the_ingrateful_redneck_prostitute_say/
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Did you hear about the guy who had his knee replaced with a Magic 8-Ball?

He had a prophetic prosthetic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/840url/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_had_his_knee/
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My friend got fired yesterday [long]

I’m absolutely livid. My friend Renny has had a really tough life. He grew up with a sort of moderate lisp, where he had a hard time pronouncing the “r” sounds, especially at the beginning of a word.
This made introducing himself very hard at school. The kids teased him very badly, calling him “Wendy.” I bonded with Renny early on, and tried to stop the bullying when I could. Unfortunately, we had different teachers, so I could only back him up at recess.
By the time we hit high school, Renny’s social anxiety had hit a bit of a critical point. He became a kleptomaniac. A little chalk here, someone’s eraser there... It all blew up in his face when he had taken a sentimental pen from a kid with down syndrome. The students and parents flipped their shit, but thankfully the staff were understanding. They reached an agreement with Renny’s parents to send him to therapy.
Fast forward a few years later, I bump into Renny at the local college. He looked great! I asked him how he was, how he was doing, etc. We ended up picking up our friendship right where we left off, becoming good friends again. His lisp was still present, but I didn’t really catch him taking anything, so I suppose therapy worked!
So one night, on one of our school breaks, we decide to take a trip down to the local casino. We dressed our sharpest, brought a bit of money we had saved up, expecting to blow it all right away. It didn’t really matter, we needed the laugh.
I blew through my money pretty quickly. Ren was down to only a chip or two, and then started turning his luck around. He kept winning, and winning, and winning. He had close to ten times what he had walked in with! I told him that was great, well head back out now and he can buy us pizza until we pee pepperoni.
Ren just shook his head and said that he had a good feeling about this, and placed everything on the next bet.
Now, I don’t understand a lot of the mathematics of gambling odds, but I do know that Renny really had it stacked against him. It was a stupid move. Lo and behold, he blew it all.
Now, like I said, we went in there expecting to lose money, so that wasn’t what I was worried about. What worried me is the way he took to gambling. It reminded me of when he would steal sharpeners and erasers from the other kid’s pencil pouches.
Our break ended, but Renny didn’t really come back. He kept going out to the casino. I’m not sure if it was related, if he had only beat one demon by chasing it out with another, but he definitely had an addiction.
Halfway through the term, Renny dropped out, was banned from the casino, and was almost homeless. A bad beating from owing some money to some scummy people was his wake up call... because at that point, he called me, and asked me to take him to rehab.
Three years later, Renny had found his passion, and graduated from a smaller vocational course in his field.
Renny was now a chef! And holy fuck, could he cook. We had some steady girlfriends at that point, and the four of us would get together, and we would just be absolutely wowed by what Renny could come up with. I told him he should make a restaurant someday. He just smiled and said he just might.
You see, the casino Renny had been banned from got a new manager for the staff. This manager happened to be Renny’s uncle. After a chat with the other seniors and even the owner, Renny’s uncle convinced them to let Renny work in the kitchen.
People were worried, but Renny proved them all wrong. People started going to the casino just for the food! They actually had plans to open a restaurant section just to keep up.
That is, until Renny’s girlfriend split. Which wasn’t so bad in of itself. He was bummed, but still very happy with his job, supervised by his tough, but loving uncle... who, unfortunately, passed away two weeks following Ronny’s break up.
Needless to say, Renny was feeling vulnerable. So what can you do when life kicks you down? Nothing, because life’s not done kicking yet.
Enter Thomas the Entitled Engine. Thomas was, by all accounts, an unpleasant human being. He was, however, the son of the owner, and hence untouchable.
Guess who takes up the job on managing staff?
Yup, Thomas.
Now, if Thomas was just a nitwit with an inferiority complex that made him ultra controlling, it may not have been that bad. Shitty, but tolerable.
No, what made Thomas so reprehensible is that he never matured past grade 4. Do you remember how Renny was teased in school? It was the same damn thing.
Thomas would make fun of Renny’s lisp! Not in a  playful way. Not in a way that could be laughed off as a badly placed joke... no. Thomas made fun of Renny to try and make Renny feel small so Thomas could feel big. He even started calling him ‘Wendy.’
Needless to say, Renny spiralled downwards agin. First the gambling came back... then the kleptomania.  It was awful. Renny kept on taking bigger and bigger gambles, and had moved on from stealing small cutlery to ladles and butcher knives! The greater the chance of being caught, the better. Thomas kept documenting everything. Instead of giving Renny the chance to clean up again and get himself together, they let him go.
Furious, I stormed down to the casino and pulled Thomas aside.
I asked him if it was because of his lisp, and a cheeky smile appeared at the corner of his lips. He said no.
I asked him if it was because he started gambling again.
He said no.
“Why the *fuck* did you fire Renny then?”
“Because he was a whisk taker.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/840rrl/my_friend_got_fired_yesterday_long/
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Do you know how to avoid a clickbait?

Obviously not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/840m2k/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_a_clickbait/
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Nah, Mexicans won't be sad over Trumps wall for too long.

They will get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/840lup/nah_mexicans_wont_be_sad_over_trumps_wall_for_too/
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Four generations of hookers were griping at the brothel about how little money they made...

The youngest of them sat down in a huff. "Damn men these days, complaining that $50 is too much to pay for a blowjob!"
"Fifty bucks!" the middle-aged whore groans. "Back in the 1980s, we were lucky to get $20!"
The matronly old whore next to her throws her head back and laughs. "Ha! You're both spoiled! Back in the 1950s, two bucks was the going rate! And we were damn happy to get it!"
The skinny old grey-haired granny in the rocking chair, puts down her knitting, and wags a finger at them. "Bah to all of you! When I was a young lady back in the Great Depression, we were happy just to have something warm in our stomachs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/840h55/four_generations_of_hookers_were_griping_at_the/
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I've heard most horses are happy

Because they have a stable home life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/840gv5/ive_heard_most_horses_are_happy/
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Student: What's the unit for joules per second?

Teacher: Correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/840apa/student_whats_the_unit_for_joules_per_second/
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Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.

Me: Can I eat sugar instead?
Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8406s1/doctor_dont_eat_anything_fatty/
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A football team loses its star player Dante Dicks due to an injury...

The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without Dicks."
Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.
The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with Dicks out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8402xe/a_football_team_loses_its_star_player_dante_dicks/
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What’s the hardest part of rollerblading?

Telling your parents you’re gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83zznk/whats_the_hardest_part_of_rollerblading/
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Murphy is at the pub one night...

And he is drinking pint after pint, shot of whiskey after shot of whiskey, until very late in the evening. He takes a walk outside to smoke, when local nuns Sister Margaret and Sister Mary approach him. Scolding him, they say "You're putting the devil's poison inside you again, Murphy! Death sticks and the devil's poison!"
Murphy is a bit taken aback, replying "Wait, sisters! How do you know it's the devil's poison? Have you ever had it?" The nuns shake their heads. "Well, tell you what: How about I get you two a drink, and if you don't like it, I'll cling to a life of sobriety!"
This sisters look at each other, have a small deliberation, nod their heads and say "All right, Murphy. We'll try what you have to offer." Murphy goes back inside, heads straight to the bar, and tells the bartender "Bartender! I need to prove a point, and in order to do that, I need two shots of whiskey!"
The bartender stares at Murphy, lets out an exasperated sigh and slams his fist on the bar, shouting "ARE THOSE BLOODY NUNS OUT THERE AGAIN???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83zx2v/murphy_is_at_the_pub_one_night/
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My girlfriend said to me that she would break up with me for invading her privacy

Or at least that's what it said in her diary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83zuox/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_that_she_would_break_up/
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Hold the door for a clown

It's a nice jester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83zs20/hold_the_door_for_a_clown/
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Democracy

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner: pizza or tacos .
They picked pizza.
So I made steamed broccoli because that's what we get after we are done voting.
(Blatant copy from another joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83zqkd/democracy/
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“Have you heard of Murphy’s law?” “No, what is it?” “If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.” “Right, have you heard of Cole’s law?” “No, what is it?”

“Thinly sliced cabbage.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83znkb/have_you_heard_of_murphys_law_no_what_is_it_if/
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Irish hooker..

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.
'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83zigs/irish_hooker/
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Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door

bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83zfh1/paddy_rings_his_new_girlfriends_door/
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People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut the fuck up

What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83z41j/people_who_are_offended_when_i_breastfeed_in/
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What did Lieutenant Dan say after getting his new legs blown off?

"Oh, the iron knee!"
Note: Old joke I made up and told friends in high school, before realizing his new legs are not actually made of iron. Hope the joke is still amusing though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83z3gy/what_did_lieutenant_dan_say_after_getting_his_new/
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Two generals are going to a meeting with the emperor..

General 1: "What's the penalty for being late to meet the Emperor?"
General 2: "Death. He's a stickler for that stuff, you know that!"
1: "And what's the penalty for starting a rebellion?"
2: "Come on man, it's death. Obviously. Why do you ask?"
1: "Well, we're late..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83z2tf/two_generals_are_going_to_a_meeting_with_the/
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How does every racist joke against black people start?

Some guy looking around to see if there are any black people nearby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83z2my/how_does_every_racist_joke_against_black_people/
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Three friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me.  I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"
Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year,  have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."
Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83z2gv/three_friends_bragged_about_who_has_more_sex/
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It's been 4 years since my job interview.

I'm beginning to suspect they chose someone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83z095/its_been_4_years_since_my_job_interview/
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I love steak puns, but it's difficult to find any decent ones.

They're a rare medium well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83yz6h/i_love_steak_puns_but_its_difficult_to_find_any/
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A man arrives at the hospital...

A man arrives at the hospital after his wife just gave birth to his son. After waiting for a short period, he sees the Doctor approaching with a "bad news" kinda face.
&nbsp;
The Doctor says: "Hello sir, I'm afraid I h..."
-"What?! Is it my wife?! My son?! What happened?!"
-"It's your son, sir. I'm not quite sure how to tell you..."
-"He didn't survive?!"
-"He did sir, he did. But... He has no arms..."
-"Oh! Well... He's still my son and I love him. Can I see him?"
-"Sure... But first... I gotta tell you... He has no legs either..."
-"God dammit! Just bring me to my son, I love him anyways!"
-"Well OK sir, but you NEED to know your son has no torso..."
-"What the F...! Enough with this! Just show me my son, I love him with all my heart and nothing will change that!"
-"OK sir, OK..."
&nbsp;
The Doctor brings him to his son. The man looks down to see his baby and all he sees is a giant ear.
A bit surprised at first, he is still very happy and shouts:
"MY SON! I LOVE YOU!"
The Doctor: "Oh btw, there's no need to shout at him, he is deaf anyways."
&nbsp;
PS: Heard this from my dad years ago and I tried to translate it as well as I could (Tell me if I made some mistakes plz).
Also, even tho I looked for it, tell me if this was already posted before. Thanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83yz0h/a_man_arrives_at_the_hospital/
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3 guys come back late from a night of drinking...

They met for brunch for the next day.
Guy 1: I drank way to much, first thing I did when I got home I blew Chunks...
Guy 2: That's nothing, I wrapped my car around a tree on my way home.
Guy 3: I beat all of you, I was arguing with my wife and knocked a candle over! It destroyed the whole house.
It went silent for a minute.
Guy 1: I don't think you guys understand. Chunks is my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ypvw/3_guys_come_back_late_from_a_night_of_drinking/
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Mom, Dad?

Son: "Mom, Dad? I'm Gay"
Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83yobb/mom_dad/
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The only thing flat earthers fear...

Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ymsp/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
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I put the sex

In dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83yl6c/i_put_the_sex/
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If a mans says he will fix it, he will.

No need to remind him every six months about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83yide/if_a_mans_says_he_will_fix_it_he_will/
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Have you guys heard of the snowman who was a comedian?

His name was Bill Brrrrrrr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83yh5f/have_you_guys_heard_of_the_snowman_who_was_a/
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I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83yg05/i_dont_understand_why_everyone_thinks_the_kkk_are/
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

Ones heavy and one’s a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83yfvw/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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One for $1, three for $4

A man is walking up to a coffee stand to get his daily cup of coffee for $1, when he notices their new “special” where you can buy three cups for $4.
“I’d like a cup of coffee,” said the man, handing in a dollar bill.
He realizes he can cheat the system by buying two more cups of coffee, and saving a dollar. “I’d like two more cups, please,” he said, handing in another $2.
Afterward, he asks the guy in the stand, “Why are you selling three cups of coffee for $4 when you could buy three separate cups for $3?”
To which the stand dude replied, “you could’ve just bought one cup like you do every day.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ych8/one_for_1_three_for_4/
%
A doctor tells a man "Your wife is pregnant."

Man: I was wearing a condom!
Doctor: But I wasn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83y9ft/a_doctor_tells_a_man_your_wife_is_pregnant/
%
A vegan, crossfitter, ironman, support main, and a girl with a boyfriend walk into a bar

who tells you first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83y7bz/a_vegan_crossfitter_ironman_support_main_and_a/
%
My wife and I have been wanting a baby

.. but we checked and they're out of stork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83y2s9/my_wife_and_i_have_been_wanting_a_baby/
%
What is Frankenstein's favorite hobby shop?

Build-a-bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83y1rj/what_is_frankensteins_favorite_hobby_shop/
%
Did you hear about the guy who's on trial for throwing acid at people?

The defense is claiming that it's a *base*less accusation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83xx0c/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whos_on_trial_for/
%
How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83xwpo/how_does_a_penguin_build_its_house/
%
Do you know how to make 5 pounds of fat look beautiful?

Put a nipple on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83xup6/do_you_know_how_to_make_5_pounds_of_fat_look/
%
It was my Nana's funeral last week.

We all walk into the chapel and there’s a huge floral arrangement on the coffin that says:   “81.131.11.216”
My mother hisses to me, “What is *that*?”
I shrugged. “What you asked for: our IP in flowers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83xszl/it_was_my_nanas_funeral_last_week/
%
How built the round table for King Arthur?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83xsmv/how_built_the_round_table_for_king_arthur/
%
Why are pigs not allowed to ride bikes?

Because they lack the thumbs to ring the bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83xron/why_are_pigs_not_allowed_to_ride_bikes/
%
Why are all the chicken farmers gay?

They’re good at raising cocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83xmdf/why_are_all_the_chicken_farmers_gay/
%
A woman stands at the edge of a cliff...

...trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman answers, "No! And go away!"
The hobo turns to leave and mutters, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83xkr0/a_woman_stands_at_the_edge_of_a_cliff/
%
My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83xiq8/my_stalker_exgirlfriend_just_threatened_to_kill/
%
Recently installed a shower bar.

Never been sober since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83x9ut/recently_installed_a_shower_bar/
%
A son went to his father one day...

Dad, I like my women like I like my coffee
But son, you’ve never liked coffee
Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83x5zb/a_son_went_to_his_father_one_day/
%
My last girlfriend was a screamer...

Well, she wasn't really my girlfriend.
Actually, that might be why she was screaming.
Source: r/sickipedia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83x2qv/my_last_girlfriend_was_a_screamer/
%
Married 25 years

, I took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83x1ke/married_25_years/
%
Someone asked me if I like eating vegan

I said I only eat normal people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83x1fa/someone_asked_me_if_i_like_eating_vegan/
%
My wife is so shallow

I should probably move her body before someone spots it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83x13c/my_wife_is_so_shallow/
%
What was Salvador Dalí’s favorite breakfast meal?

Surreal with milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83wwmp/what_was_salvador_dalís_favorite_breakfast_meal/
%
What's massive, scary, starts with T, ends with X, and eats people alive?

Tax

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83wu2g/whats_massive_scary_starts_with_t_ends_with_x_and/
%
My Dad said, "You've got to stop masturbating so much or you'll go blind."

I replied, "Dad, I'm over here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83wptb/my_dad_said_youve_got_to_stop_masturbating_so/
%
A grandmother goes to the doctor

and asks: "Where is the heart?"
The doctor answers: "2 centimetres below the nipples"
Next day in the newspaper: "Woman tries to commit suicide and shoots herself in the knee"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83wlvw/a_grandmother_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
A man is struggling with origami,

He calls his teacher over for help,
His teacher reply’s in a stern voice
“so what’s unfolding here then?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83wgkm/a_man_is_struggling_with_origami/
%
What did Jesus pay for our sins with?

Praypal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83wgii/what_did_jesus_pay_for_our_sins_with/
%
What is the definition of bitter sweet?

Your Mother in law driving off a cliff in your brand new Corvette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83wgi5/what_is_the_definition_of_bitter_sweet/
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A FATHER'S LAST REQUEST

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83wg60/a_fathers_last_request/
%
What do you call an iPhone that's bent in half?

Snapple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83wf1y/what_do_you_call_an_iphone_thats_bent_in_half/
%
My friend hated crows so much that he wanted to kill them. One time, I caught him staring intensely at a group of crows...

You could see the murder in his eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83wcf6/my_friend_hated_crows_so_much_that_he_wanted_to/
%
Cynthia Wong is giving birth at her local hospital...

...that her and her husband Vincent helped to build with their generous donations over the past few years. After a brief hello with his new mom, the newborn boy is taken off to the maternity ward.
After a while, the dad takes a stroll over to the ward to see his new son through the glass, but notices an empty cradle instead. Concerned, he stops a nearby nurse walking by and asks for an update.
"Excuse me. Where has my son been taken?" he said.
"Oh...I have no idea. Let me go inquire with the head nurse." she replied.
After a few minutes, several maternity nurses, as well as the OBGYN come out from a back area to greet Mr. Wong.
"I'm sorry Vince, but we seem to have misplaced your boy. We've locked down the hospital and are looking everywhere for him. Don't worry."
Frantic and in denial, Vincent grabs one of the nearby babies in another crib.
"You've made a mistake! This is my baby! This is my boy! SEE! I PAID FOR THIS GODDAMN WARD, AND I'M TAKING THIS BABY HOME!"
He holds up the obviously caucasian child in the face of all of the staff.
"Vince. We can't let you take that baby" the doctor says.
"And why not!?" replies Mr. Wong.
"Because. Two Wongs do not make a White."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83wa39/cynthia_wong_is_giving_birth_at_her_local_hospital/
%
What's the difference between Martin Luther King Jr Day and St Patrick's Day?

On St Patrick's Day everyone wants to be Irish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83w8r5/whats_the_difference_between_martin_luther_king/
%
If I had a pound for every time someone called me lazy

I'd have enough money to not need a job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83w269/if_i_had_a_pound_for_every_time_someone_called_me/
%
What did the doctor say about the sick chemist?

"If I can't helium or I can't curium, then you will have to barium."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83w10t/what_did_the_doctor_say_about_the_sick_chemist/
%
Who came between Mr. D and Mr. F?

It's-a Mr. E

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83vz0h/who_came_between_mr_d_and_mr_f/
%
BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83vyut/boss_whats_going_on_here/
%
What's the fear of chainsaws called?

common sense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83vy1q/whats_the_fear_of_chainsaws_called/
%
Fishing on the Ohio river

There was an old hillbilly on the Kentucky side and a redneck on the Ohio side. The hillbilly wasn't catching anything while the redneck was. So the hillbilly yelled across the river and asked how the redneck was catching all those fish. The redneck yelled back and said that he needed to be on this side of the river. The hillbilly was upset and yelled back that there was no bridge. The redneck told him he would turn on his flashlight and the hillbilly could walk across the light beam. The hillbilly thought about it for a minute and said "nah, I'll get half way across and you'll turn off the light"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83vwml/fishing_on_the_ohio_river/
%
I told my son if he didn't take a nap I would have the cops put him in jail. . .

For resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83vv11/i_told_my_son_if_he_didnt_take_a_nap_i_would_have/
%
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83vgxu/to_teach_kids_about_democracy_i_let_them_vote_on/
%
Why did the biologist lock himself in jail with an engineer, a physicist and a medical doctor?

Because he wanted to work with STEM Cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83vere/why_did_the_biologist_lock_himself_in_jail_with/
%
What is a single person’s favorite meal?

A ba-lonely sandwich!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83v8ih/what_is_a_single_persons_favorite_meal/
%
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth...

The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. Your son is just a head!
But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and
compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,
the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked,
begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs
his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is
in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the
right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in
grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he
was a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83v6ut/a_man_is_waiting_for_his_wife_to_give_birth/
%
There's a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One night, 2 guys were drinking and one guy says, "hey did you guys know that one of the reasons this building has such interesting design is that they made it so when people jump out of windows, the wind holds them from falling too fast and they just float to the ground, unhurt?"
The 2nd guy say, "No way, prove it!"
So he jumps out the window! A few minutes later the elevator dings and out walks the guy.
"See! It works!"
So, the 2nd drunk guy goes over, jumps out and falls to his death.
The bartender speaks up, "Superman, you sure are an asshole when you're drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83v5yv/theres_a_bar_at_the_top_of_the_empire_state/
%
What's the difference between potential and reality?

One night at dinner a son asks his father "What's the difference between potential and reality?"
His father says let me show you.  He turns to his wife and asks "Honey, if The Rock offered you $1 million to sleep with him, would you?"
She says "Of course I would!"
The father then turns to his daughter and says "Sweetie, if Zac Effron offered you $1 million to sleep with him, would you?"
She says "OMG, yes!"
The father turns back to his son and says "Potentially, we are sitting next to a couple of millionaires.  In reality, we're sharing the dinner table with 2 prostitutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83v3um/whats_the_difference_between_potential_and_reality/
%
When I'm buying milk, the clerk always says "Do you want your milk in a bag?"

I always say "No just keep it in the carton."
I like to see who's awake at Target. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83v2rh/when_im_buying_milk_the_clerk_always_says_do_you/
%
Did you hear about the Spanish Magician?

He said “Uno. Dos.” and vanished without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83uzmv/did_you_hear_about_the_spanish_magician/
%
Why are pubic hairs curly?

Because, if they were straight, you would poke your eye out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83uxuc/why_are_pubic_hairs_curly/
%
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83uxn4/what_is_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
At a testimonial dinner in his honor

A wealthy businessman gave an emotional speech. "When I came to this city fifty years ago," he said, "I had no car, my only suit was on my back, the soles of my shoes were thin, and I carried all my possessions in a paper bag." After dinner, a young man nervously approached. "Sir, I really admire all your accomplishments. Tell me, after all these years, do you still remember what you carried in the brown paper bag?" "Sure, son," he said. "I had $500,000 in cash and $1,000,000 in negotiable securities."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83uw9l/at_a_testimonial_dinner_in_his_honor/
%
I'll never forget my dog's last words

"You've taken too much acid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ut3i/ill_never_forget_my_dogs_last_words/
%
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes

, and which one is better
Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ut01/a_little_girl_and_boy_are_fighting_about_the/
%
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a beer while the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then he grabs some sliced lemons and eats them. Then the monkey jumps on the pool table , grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender shouts at the man, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The man says. "No, what?"
"He just ate the damn cue ball."
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" the man replies. "That monkey eats everything in sight. Don't worry though, I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays , and leaves with his monkey.
A week later the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man orders a beer and, just like last time, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs a maraschino cherry off the bar, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" asks the man.
"Your monkey just stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it."
"Yeah that doesn't surprise me" the man says. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate your damn cue ball he measures everything first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83usqs/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
%
Technology is like the woman I desire.

It's moving fast and I can't keep up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83us7f/technology_is_like_the_woman_i_desire/
%
I'm going to live forever,

or die trying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83upre/im_going_to_live_forever/
%
Got caught peeing in the pool

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83upiu/got_caught_peeing_in_the_pool/
%
Why do lions only mate in the summer?

Because the pride cometh before the fall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83unpr/why_do_lions_only_mate_in_the_summer/
%
My wife still misses me...

But her aim is getting better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ucgz/my_wife_still_misses_me/
%
I still remember my mother in law’s last words before she died.

She said “Stop shaking the ladder you idiot!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ubik/i_still_remember_my_mother_in_laws_last_words/
%
I run a backpack store in the middle east.

Sales are great but I've never had any returning customers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ua56/i_run_a_backpack_store_in_the_middle_east/
%
I watched 3 movies back to back with my wife last night.

Luckily, I was the one facing the screen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ua50/i_watched_3_movies_back_to_back_with_my_wife_last/
%
Three children talking to each other...

The 1st kid : "My dad loves cars, so he is a car driver."
The 2nd kid : "My dad loves buses, so he is a bus driver."
The 3rd kid(not sure what his dad loves) : "My dad always screws up,so he is a screwdriver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83u985/three_children_talking_to_each_other/
%
More questions than answers

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83u7ww/more_questions_than_answers/
%
I'm no weatherman

But you can expect a few inches tonight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83u67d/im_no_weatherman/
%
Kids in the back of a car cause accidents

But accidents in the back of a car causes kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83u2qc/kids_in_the_back_of_a_car_cause_accidents/
%
How does an electrician free Dobby?

With a shock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83u2jy/how_does_an_electrician_free_dobby/
%
A joke about a British mint.

Nevermind, it doesn't make any cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83u0o6/a_joke_about_a_british_mint/
%
I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."

Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 penises."
Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"
I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83tzur/i_went_to_the_clinic_today_and_nervously_said_doc/
%
The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court

The game would be cancelled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83tuku/the_blue_whale_is_so_big_that_if_you_laid_it_end/
%
"Looking back", I told the court,...

"I probably should've phrased my statement as 'My 2004 Ford has been written off' as opposed to 'I've just fucked a 14 year old Esocort'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ttc9/looking_back_i_told_the_court/
%
Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”

Man: “Yeah but she’s got a great personality”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83tqha/officer_im_sorry_to_say_this_sir_but_it_looks/
%
Just bought Drakes new single, but I couldn't listen to it because a damn fish jumped and snatched the cd out of my hand

I guess it was cod's plan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83tor2/just_bought_drakes_new_single_but_i_couldnt/
%
Why was the cold war such a long period with little fighting?

Because the Russian President was Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83tmgd/why_was_the_cold_war_such_a_long_period_with/
%
A husband calls his wife

"Oh honey, there's someone driving on the wrong side of the highway. Please be careful. It's all over the news."
Wife replies, "Only one??? These idiots are in hundreds"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83tlnx/a_husband_calls_his_wife/
%
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam

I’d have $ 6.30 now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83tja3/if_i_got_50_cents_for_every_failed_math_exam/
%
What do you call a penis length survey? (NSFW)

Statistdicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83tios/what_do_you_call_a_penis_length_survey_nsfw/
%
How can a lonely man have so many dates?

He bought himself a calendar!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83thsg/how_can_a_lonely_man_have_so_many_dates/
%
What’s a Pirates Favorite Letter?

You might think it be R...
But it actually be da C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83te5l/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83t5n8/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dyslexic_an/
%
I had a date with a jewish girl.

After date she asked me for a number.
I told her we don't have numbers, we have names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83syt6/i_had_a_date_with_a_jewish_girl/
%
3 American Comedy shows walk into a bar and...

This punchline is not available in your country.
Sorry about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83sybz/3_american_comedy_shows_walk_into_a_bar_and/
%
Savage dad joke

Dad: Hey son, do you want to hear a joke?
Son: Yeah!
Dad: Pussy
Son: I don't get it
Dad: Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83spbx/savage_dad_joke/
%
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?

One goes, "*Whack!* Damn." The other goes, "Damn! *Whack.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83snhz/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
%
A guy asks his friend: "What's the most offensive thing you can say to an Indian?"

His friend answers. "It depends. Dot or feather?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83sitb/a_guy_asks_his_friend_whats_the_most_offensive/
%
A few years ago, I used to live next door to both Dwayne Johnson and the pop group that sang ‘Take On Me’.

I was stuck between a Rock and A-ha’s place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83si51/a_few_years_ago_i_used_to_live_next_door_to_both/
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A blonde walks into a store and asks, may I buy that tv, the store salesman say, sorry, we don't serve blondes.

she comes the next day with her hair dyed black, and
asks the same guy, can I buy this tv. the salesman says, sorry, we don't serve
blondes. frustrated, the next day she dyes her hair red and to make sure, she asks a
different salesman, can I buy this tv. he says, sorry, we don't serve blondes. the
blonde says, how on earth did u know I was blonde. the salesman says, that's a
microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83sg6n/a_blonde_walks_into_a_store_and_asks_may_i_buy/
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What's the most commonly spoken language on Earth?

Profanity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83scuv/whats_the_most_commonly_spoken_language_on_earth/
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Time flies like an arrow...

*fruit flies like banana.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83sayg/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day

And at least ten a night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83s7vb/i_have_a_really_healthy_sleep_schedule_i_sleep_at/
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Im writing a book about WD-40

Its non-friction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83s2ex/im_writing_a_book_about_wd40/
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An eighteen year old finally decides to throw out his toys.

Andrew was never fond of most of the toys in his collection. He was a professional gamer and had no time for real world items. One day, he decided that he needed to clear out his room and found all his old toys. Without a moment's notice, he placed the whole bag in the garbage bin outside his house. However, there was one toy that he had never played with before...
The toy's name was Marley. He was a doll that reached up to about 90 cm in height and resembled a human. When he was sent to the garbage bin, he was full of sorrow, as he had not been played with since his creation. He cried to God, "What a cruel world this must be! Was I born just to lay in a heap and rot!".
Surprisingly, God replied to him, "This was not meant to be. However, I am willing to give you a second chance, by giving you a life to fulfil.". God animated Marley to make him a 164 cm human who was 16 years old. Marley cried out in joy, "Thank you God! I will not waste this chance!"
Marley was an intellectual, as he had spent most of his life just observing the surroundings. He did not require food, water or sleep, so he put his full attention towards studying. It was truly not surprising that he always stood first in his class.
He ranked first on the admission exam and with a great portfolio, he entered Stanford for his graduation. He became a financial genius and was envied by all the students around him.
However, all was not well for Marley...
As time went on, Marley had tired out his body, to the point where, one day, his legs refused to work. He was plagued with sorrow as he was the cause for the wear and tear on his body. He was also filled with sadness because he could not fulfil his potential. He could not drive because he could not pass the breathalyser test (because he never breathed) and now, was all on his own. He couldn't even get a wheelchair because nobody would push it around for him. Such was the depth of his loneliness.
But one day...
There was a knock on his door. He was surprised because nobody ever visited him. He was shocked as he couldn't believe his eyes.
I mean, you wouldn't believe it if, out of the blue, Simon Cowell entered your room and invited you to be a judge for "Britain's Got Talent"
But this was not Simon Cowell.
It was Gates. Bill Gates.
Bill Gates said, "Marley, I've heard all about your condition. But we cannot let such potential go to waste. Therefore, I am hiring you to join my company, Microsoft."
Marley pinched himself out of disbelief. This couldn't be real, could it?. "What position are too hiring me as, sir?"
"The Treasurer of Microsoft. That should give you enough money to spend time on actual pressing matters, I think."
Shock. Amazement. Disbelief. All of these emotions ran through Marley's mind. But the worst thought on his mind was the thought of Betrayal.
He was filled with a crude sense of disbelief mixed with anger. He could not control the rage flowing within him. He simply could not.
Marley shouted, looking at the heavens, "GOD!  DID YOU CREATE MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE JUST FOR... JUST FOR..." , as he broke down in tears, partly of anger and partly because he had been betrayed.
A smile was visible on God's face as he said, "The human proverbs always seem to come true!"
"One man's trash is now another man's treasurer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83s24m/an_eighteen_year_old_finally_decides_to_throw_out/
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I was going to move to the Middle East

Then someone told me what they mean by getting stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ryf8/i_was_going_to_move_to_the_middle_east/
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If i had a nickel for every time a homeless man asked me for change

I'd still say no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ry2u/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_a_homeless_man/
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Honeydicked

A married couple decide to go to a nude beach for their honeymoon.
As they are laying out enjoying the sun a bee flies right up between the wife’s legs. The husband rushes her to the hospital.
He explains to the doctor that his wife is allergic to bees and begs him to help.
Sensing the urgency of the situation, the doctor comes up with an unorthodox solution. He suggests that the husband should dab a little honey on his dick and stick it inside the wife. The bee should be attracted to the honey and come right out.
The husband reluctantly agrees but with all the stress of the situation he can’t get up to perform.
The doctor acts fast and says “I’ll have to do it myself or this woman may die”. The husband gives his consent and the doctor dips his dick in honey and slides into the wife. He pulls out. No bee. He repeats the process. Again he is unsuccessful.
About this time the doctor starts pounding away at the wife. He’s really giving it to her. The husband shouts “Doc, what the hell are you doing?”
The doctor shouts back, “This is plan b. I’m gonna drown that bastard”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83rx9m/honeydicked/
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Farmer Dave

So I knew this farmer, his name was Dave and he wasn't really bright, but he tried his best.
One day he called me over to his farm and announced proudly that he was feeding his cows meth. I was skeptical and told him it was a bad idea, but he didn't listen.
The next day he called me, and told me the news. The cows had died.
I said, "Oh no Dave, I'm so sorry to hear that. What are you gonna do now?" He said he was gonna try and sell their hides and meat, "Hey do you want some too?"
I said, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83rwoy/farmer_dave/
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What do wizards use to read PDFs?

A Dobby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83rtav/what_do_wizards_use_to_read_pdfs/
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It's about time we got some wet grass.

I think it's dew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83rq3a/its_about_time_we_got_some_wet_grass/
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What did the hanging man say before he died?

The suspense is killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83rp45/what_did_the_hanging_man_say_before_he_died/
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So I had to go to an eye doctor in Alaska

Turned out it was an optical Aleutian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83roiy/so_i_had_to_go_to_an_eye_doctor_in_alaska/
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Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be blind?

Well, my friends! Look no further...!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83rlwf/have_you_ever_wondered_what_its_like_to_be_blind/
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A drunk’s struggle

A man has been sitting at a bar drinking his sorrows away all night. The bartender notices the guy’s state of intoxication and decides it’s time to cut him off for the night.
“I won’t serve you anymore tonight” says the bartender.
“That’s fine” says the drunk as he stumbles out the front door of the bar.
A few minutes later the drunk stumbles back in from the side entrance. He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender looks at the drunk and says “Nice try man, I told you I won’t serve you anymore tonight”
“No problem” says the drunk. He leaves back out the side door.
A few minutes later the drunk clumsily makes his way in from the back door of the bar. He clamors to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender is a little annoyed at this point and angrily says “Look man I’m not serving you. I’ve already told you that”
The drunk stares at the bartender before saying “That’s fine man. But how many fucking bars do you work at?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83rktw/a_drunks_struggle/
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Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from the sperm bank?

He was caught drinking on the job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83rk4n/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_security_guard_who_got/
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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to  God, USA they decided to send it to President Trump.
Trump was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington,D.C. and those
Assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ripu/a_little_boy_wanted_10000_very_badly_and_prayed/
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How do Australians connect to the internet?

They use the LAN down under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ridj/how_do_australians_connect_to_the_internet/
%
What is brown and rhymes with "Snoop"?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ri25/what_is_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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I met a guy who claimed his jizz was rainbow colored

I asked him how that felt, to which he responded:
“I can’t complain”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83rh7i/i_met_a_guy_who_claimed_his_jizz_was_rainbow/
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What do vegans call jerking off?

Beating their wheat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83rgxt/what_do_vegans_call_jerking_off/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83rgat/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
What are Mario's pants made out of?

Denim denim denim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83rg3c/what_are_marios_pants_made_out_of/
%
Why are pirates the best singers?

They can really hit the high C's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83relq/why_are_pirates_the_best_singers/
%
A priest goes fishing with his friend Maricio.

This his his first time, so his friend had to show him the basics. When the priest feels a bite, hooks the biggest fish Maricio has seen and reels it up, his friend is naturally surprised.
"Whoa. Look at that bastard."
The priest, naturally offended by his curse, is told by his friend that a "bastard" is a fish. The priest takes the fish back to his parish and asks the butcher to clean the bastard.
"Father, you shouldn't be using that kind of language."
"Oh no, a bastard is a kind of fish."
The butcher cleans and debones the fish and then takes it to the cook.
"Can you cook this bastard?"
"Mario, you shouldn't use such coarse language!."
"No. Bastard is a kind of fish."
So the cook makes a Frutti di Mare and decides to serve it for dinner. Now, the archbishop was a few hour early for his flight to the Vatican and decides to drop by the church by the airport for dinner.  After the wonderful meal, he asks the attendance who helped made it.
The priest said,"I caught the bastard."
The butcher said,"I cleaned the bastard."
The cook said,"I cooked the bastard."
The archbishop, surprised, leans back in his seat and kicks his feet up on the table.
"You know, you fuckers are wonderful pieces of shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83rcsz/a_priest_goes_fishing_with_his_friend_maricio/
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There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters

In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun. At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, “Hello, my name is Eddie, I’m here for Bettie, we’re going for spaghetti. Is she ready?”.
The farmer paused, then said, “Ok, she’s ready.”
Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said, ”Hello, my name is Joe, I’m here for Flo, we’re going to the show. She ready to go?”
The farmer paused again and said, “Yeah, she’s ready”.
A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said, “Hello, my name is Chuck….. ” and the farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83r44w/there_was_this_farmer_that_was_really_protective/
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Dad: What are you drinking, son? Son: Soy milk.

Dad: Hola Milk, soy tu padre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83qyyx/dad_what_are_you_drinking_son_son_soy_milk/
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What's the difference between a taxidermist and someone who practices bestiality?

One stuffs and then mounts the animal; the other mounts and then stuffs it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83qxne/whats_the_difference_between_a_taxidermist_and/
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What's the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83qxcm/whats_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
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Three women are on death-row in Utah and are about to be executed.

One is a brunette, one is a redhead and one is a blonde. Two guards bring the brunette forward and the executioner asks whether she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts "Ready, aim" and suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!". Everyone is startled and looks around and she manages to escape.
The angry guard then brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She too says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready,aim". The redhead screams "TORNADO!". Yet again everyone is startled and looks around, she too escapes the execution.
By this point the blonde has figured out what the others have done. The guards bring her forward, the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts,"Ready, aim". The blonde shouts "FIRE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83qwme/three_women_are_on_deathrow_in_utah_and_are_about/
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Too far in...

A couple has been dating for a few months. For the most part it’s a perfect relationship. The only thing that annoys the girl is that the guy isn’t much of a risk taker. The only thing that annoys the guy is that the girl is making him wait before he takes the relationship to a physical level. In fact he’s never seen her naked.
One night the couple is driving home. The guy is driving. Slowly. The frustration grows inside the girl and she blurts out “Why don’t you live a little? You are too scared to even drive fast”. The guy decides to voice his annoyance as well. “Why are you taking so long to take a step closer to us being intimate?”
Just then the couple had a simultaneous idea. They decided that for every 5 mph over the speed limit the guy drove, the girl would remove an article of clothing. In no time the car is speeding down the road and the girl is completely naked.
The guy can’t help but stare at the naked girl and loses control of the car. They both are ok but the guy is trapped in the car and the girl’s clothes have been thrown from the car. “You’ve gotta go get help” the guy says. “Ok. But I’m naked. Do you have anything I can cover up with?” The only thing the guy can manage to give her is one of his shoes.
The girl makes her way back to the highway with the show strategically placed to cover up between her legs. She manages to flag down a passing trucker.
“Help! Help! My boyfriend is stuck!” she yells at the truck driver. The trucker looks at the frantic woman and notices the shoe between her leg and says...
“Well ma’am if he’s that far in there I don’t think there’s much I can do”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83qrr7/too_far_in/
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If I had a dollar every time a news story features the president in these 4 years...

News stories will start to feature me in the next 4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83qrgs/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_a_news_story/
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Batman: The Batmobile isn't starting

Robin: Check the battery
Batman: What's a tery?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83qq3y/batman_the_batmobile_isnt_starting/
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There once were two cats - one was named 'one two three' and the other was named 'un deux trois'...

One day, the two cats came across a wide river. On the other side, there seem to be an endless amount of cat food. So, both of the cats wanted to swim across.
One two three cat made it across, but un deux trois quatre cinq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83qjp7/there_once_were_two_cats_one_was_named_one_two/
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$100 tattoo

Eric gets home late one night and Sarah, his wife, asks “where the hell have you been” Eric replies “I’ve been out getting a tattoo”
“A tattoo?”  She frowned.  “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking?” She said shaking her head in disgust.  “Why on earth would an Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”
“Well one, I like to watch my money grow.  Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.  Three, I like how my money feels in my hand.  And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a 100 bucks any time you want”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83qhbq/100_tattoo/
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The word nun is just the letter n...

...doing a forward roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83qdji/the_word_nun_is_just_the_letter_n/
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He Has No Class

Donald Trump lands aboard Air Force One at Heathrow, and deplanes to a long red carpet. He walks to where Queen Elizabeth II is waiting to welcome him with much pomp and circumstance.
They are ushered into a new silver Rolls Royce, then chauffeured to Buckingham Palace.
After tea, they climb aboard an open-topped, perfectly restored antique coach drawn by four stunningly beautiful white horses. As they roll leisurely to Westminster Abbey, they wave to masses of cheering Brits packing the city streets.
Then all of a sudden the left rear horse uncorks a blast of flatulence that resonates and fouls the air for city blocks. It splits eardrums and shakes the coach. The stench is so horrible it’s hard to keep from gagging.
The two leaders, however, having just met each other, somehow manage to act like nothing has happened.
Finally, the Queen feels embarrassed to the point she feels she needs to say something.
"Mr. President,” she says, “On behalf of myself and my countrymen, I apologize for what just happened. As I'm sure you know, there are many things even a Queen can’t completely control."
Donald Trump, trying to respond in the most dignified manner possible, says, "Your Majesty, don't think twice about it. Honestly, if you hadn't mentioned it, I’d have assumed it was one of the horses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83qd7g/he_has_no_class/
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My friend said he wondered what it's like to blow up...

So I handed him explosives and said "Here, go C4 yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83qct4/my_friend_said_he_wondered_what_its_like_to_blow/
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As my mother got older, her vision got worse so her optometrist prescribed her progressive lenses...

Now she can't see race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83qa08/as_my_mother_got_older_her_vision_got_worse_so/
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Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83q9rz/me_whats_the_wifi_password/
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My crush said that i am pretty fat. I am not even mad

She called me pretty, after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83q8tl/my_crush_said_that_i_am_pretty_fat_i_am_not_even/
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A salesman approaches you

Thanks, but I'm not interested in microscopes right now.
Salesman: That's okay, take my business card anyway.
This text is tiny, I can't read it.
Salesman: Boy, do I have the product for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83q8sq/a_salesman_approaches_you/
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My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

We had sex Ed in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’
I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83q89d/my_teenage_daughter_came_home_in_a_rage/
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What was it called when the Japanese forced all their best drivers to be in the Fast and the Furious movie?

Tokyo Draft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83q6wm/what_was_it_called_when_the_japanese_forced_all/
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*air horn sound*

*second air horn sound*
Me: This isn't deodorant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83q656/air_horn_sound/
%
Jokes about menstruation just aren’t funny

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83q3ac/jokes_about_menstruation_just_arent_funny/
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I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40.

40 kids is way too much by any standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83q0fm/i_dont_think_women_should_be_allowed_to_have_kids/
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Grandpa

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a
stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83pytt/grandpa/
%
Osama Bin Laden’s son comes home from school crying…

He asks him: “What’s wrong son, what happened?”
“The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong.”
“Why, what did you answer?”
“The Empire State Building.”
“Don’t worry son, daddy will take care of it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83pyh2/osama_bin_ladens_son_comes_home_from_school_crying/
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Cinderella is late for the ball when her period comes.

To her great relief, her fairy godmother is able to fashion a magic tampon out of a pumpkin. But she warns her, “you MUST be home before midnight, or it will turn right back!”
Midnight comes and goes, and the fairy godmother goes from angry to terribly worried. At 5 am Cinderella shows up, smoking a cigarette and looking rather disheveled, but seemingly unharmed.
“Where have you been!?” yelled the fairy godmother.
“I’m fine, relax!  Had a lovely evening. I ended up meeting a man! I don’t remember his name exactly, Peter Peter Pumpkin something.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83pwvj/cinderella_is_late_for_the_ball_when_her_period/
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To the person who discovered zero

Thanks for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83prmg/to_the_person_who_discovered_zero/
%
What do you get when you take a bovine and divide its circumference by its diameter?

A cow pi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83prbj/what_do_you_get_when_you_take_a_bovine_and_divide/
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I'm like Microsoft Edge

Nobody likes me, but I'm edgy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83pq58/im_like_microsoft_edge/
%
Did you hear about the blind circumcizer?

He got the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83pq3g/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_circumcizer/
%
If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83pp5u/if_you_ever_feel_like_your_job_is_meaningless/
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My friend is still mad at me for putting super glue on his baseball 10 years ago.

He still can't let it go...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83pk4m/my_friend_is_still_mad_at_me_for_putting_super/
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Just got back from Fight Club. It was really fun!

I got there a little late so I wasn’t able to hear all the rules, but I’m sure they aren’t that important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83pgsr/just_got_back_from_fight_club_it_was_really_fun/
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A wife is like a grenade

Remove the ring and your house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83pgn7/a_wife_is_like_a_grenade/
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A man wants to profess his love to his girlfriend.

A man wants to profess his love to his girlfriend, Wendy, so he decides to get her name tattooed on his penis.
After it heals he shows her the work. She says "But it just says W Y."
"Play with it a bit.."
Sure enough he gets hard and she can see her name spelled out clear as day.
The next week he goes to the gym. In the shower he runs into another gentlemen and can't help but notice he too has "W Y" tattooed on his member.
"Let me guess, your girlfriend is named Wendy too?"
"Nah mon, me work in tourism and it say Welcome to Jamaica mon, hope you enjoy your stay"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83pg1g/a_man_wants_to_profess_his_love_to_his_girlfriend/
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A first grade teacher was giving a cookie to each student who spelt a word right

"Well little John" she said. "Can you spell Pig?"
"P-I-G" John said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then went to the next student.
"Hi little Susan" she said. "Can you spell Cow?"
"C-O-W" Susan said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then turned to the third student.
"Hello little Jim" she said. "How do you spell Crab?"
"C-R-A-B" John said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then turned to the next student.
"Good day Ahmed. Can you tell me how to spell Racial Discrimination?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83pfek/a_first_grade_teacher_was_giving_a_cookie_to_each/
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Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?

He played the force.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83pey1/did_you_know_chuck_norris_was_in_every_star_wars/
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I'm so grateful to the teacher who defined the word "plethora" for me...

...it meant a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83pen9/im_so_grateful_to_the_teacher_who_defined_the/
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"Your ticket, please..."

A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers are traveling together by train to attend a conference on mathematical methods in engineering. Each engineer has a ticket whereas only one of the mathematicians has one. Of course, the engineers laugh at the unworldly mathematicians and look forward to the moment the conductor shows up.
Suddenly one of the mathematicians shouts: "Conductor coming!" All the mathematicians disappear into one washroom. The conductor checks the ticket of each engineer and then knocks at the washroom door: "Your ticket, please." The mathematicians stick the one ticket they have under the door, the conductor checks it and leaves. A few minutes later, when it is safe, the mathematicians come out of the washroom. The engineers are impressed.
When the conference has come to an end, the engineers decide that they are at least as smart as the mathematicians and also buy just one ticket for the whole group. This time the mathematicians have no ticket at all...
Again one of the mathematicians shouts: "Conductor coming!".
All the engineers rush off to one washroom. One of the mathematicians goes to that washroom, knocks at the door, and says: "Your ticket, please..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83pcpu/your_ticket_please/
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Good Grab

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket.
It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?"
He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83papg/good_grab/
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Stormy Daniels says Donald Trump paid $130,000 hush money to cover up an affair. Do you believe the bleached blond with big tits?

Or do you believe Stormy Daniels?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83p52f/stormy_daniels_says_donald_trump_paid_130000_hush/
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I finally achieved my dream of staring in a porn film

I was the man leaving early for work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83p1by/i_finally_achieved_my_dream_of_staring_in_a_porn/
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How many feminists does it take to change a tire?

One, men can also be feminists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83oyoj/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_tire/
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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire....

The first cowboy says to the second two cowboys: “you know I reckon I’m tougher than the both of ya’. One time a rattlesnake bit me, ‘n’ I just went ahead and bit him right back.”
Second cowboy laughs and says “ya’ call that a tough guy story? One time I fought off twelve men just to use a rock as a pillow!”
The third cowboy doesn’t say anything, he just sits there chuckling, shaking his head, and stoking the fire with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ou9v/three_cowboys_are_sitting_around_a_campfire/
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Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye

Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83or0o/steal_everyones_eyelids_and_no_one_bats_an_eye/
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One Day at Work...

...a man hears a Ghostly Voice speak to him: "Quit your job, sell your car, sell your house, take the money and go to Vegas..."
Figuring he was just sleep deprived, he ignored the Voice, but the next morning, he heard the same voice: "Quit your job, sell your car, sell your house, clear out your bank accounts, take the money and go to Vegas..."
Again, the man ignored the Voice, obviously, but every day for the rest of the work week the Voice would call to him: "Quit your job, sell your car, sell your house, clear out your bank accounts, take the money and go to Vegas..."
Finally, figuring there was something to it, he heeds the Voice's advice. He quit his job, sold his car, sold his house, cleaned out his bank accounts, and booked a flight to Las Vegas.
As his plane landed, the man heard the Ghostly Voice again, this time saying, "Get into the third cab you see, and have the cabby drive you to the Strip." The man already did as the Voice first asked, so he figured he's in it for the long haul and better trust his Ghostly advisor, so he hails the third cab he sees, and sets off for the Strip.
As he steps out of the cab, the Ghostly Voice says, "Good. Good. Now make your way to the Bellagio." Off goes the man to the Bellagio...
As he enters the foyer of the Bellagio, the Ghostly Voice again instructs the man: "Make your way to the Roulette tables, and look for a table with a croupier name Renaldo." The man sets off, trusting with everything in his being the Ghostly Voice. After a few minutes of searching, the man finds the table with Renaldo the croupier.
As he approaches the table, the Ghostly Voice speaks up again, and the man can sense urgency in its Voice as it tells him: "Now! Now! Put all your money on Eleven Black! Eleven Black!" The man immediately does as the Voice says. Renaldo takes his bet, spins the wheel, and drops the ball...
Around, and around the ball spins in the roulette wheel, the Ghostly Voice excitedly chanting, "Yes! Yes!" After what seems like an eternity, the wheel begins to slow, and the ball comes to a rest in its slot:
THIRTY RED.
The Ghostly Voice said,
"Damn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83oo8x/one_day_at_work/
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A father is washing a car with his son

The son asks, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83on42/a_father_is_washing_a_car_with_his_son/
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What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas? Gloves.

Just kidding he is still opening his present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83on1g/what_did_the_kid_with_no_arms_get_for_christmas/
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A German, an Austrian, a nun and a young attractive woman on a train

A German, an Austrian, a nun and a attractive woman sit on a train. The lights in their car are broken so in every tunnel it gets really dark.
The train drives through a tunnel, it gets dark and suddenly you hear a slap and someone cries out in pain. When it gets bright again its obvious that the Austrian was slapped in the face.
The nun thinks: Well he tried to grope the young woman, so she slapped him.
The young woman thinks: He tried to grope me but messed up and touched the nun, who slapped him.
The Austrian thinks: That german guy tried to grope the woman and she tried to slap him, missed and hit me.
The German thinks: In the next tunnel ill hit him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83on0l/a_german_an_austrian_a_nun_and_a_young_attractive/
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You can't just decide to be a wheat farmer...

...you have to be bread for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83omv0/you_cant_just_decide_to_be_a_wheat_farmer/
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I've always been curious about synesthesia...

I just want to see how it feels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83olt1/ive_always_been_curious_about_synesthesia/
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I decided to sell my theramin.

I haven't touched that thing in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ok5x/i_decided_to_sell_my_theramin/
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How to Live a Long Life

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ofvo/how_to_live_a_long_life/
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Heard of the Fibonacci soup?

Apparently , the ingredients are :
Yesterday's soup and day before yesterday's soup.
Price : $1.61

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83o9ii/heard_of_the_fibonacci_soup/
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A man walks into a bar. "Quick, bartender, give me a shot of whiskey before it starts."

The bartender pours a shot of whiskey and gives it to the man. The man swallows it in a single gulp, and says "quick, give me another before it starts". The bartender pours another shot, quite perplexed. After the man finished the second drink, he again asked for another. The bartender looks at him and says "when will you be paying for these?"
The man sighs and says "it started"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83o7yc/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_quick_bartender_give_me_a/
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An old catholic irishman is lying on his deathbed.

He was strict in his religion and firm in his believe for his whole life, cursing the protestants and calvinists with every day he lived. But now, as he is surrounded by his 8 sons and 22 Grandchildren, waiting with him through these last hours, he beckons one of them closer.
"Bobby," he whispers weakly, "get the pastor. Bring him here now, and tell him, I want to convert confession."
His sons are stunned by this. How could their father, who had beaten them when they even thought about doubting the word of the pope, betray his faith in these last hours?! But they call the Pastor out of pure respect for their fathers last wish.
After only half an hour, the protestant pastor leaves the room of the dying Irishman, smiling gleefully over the old fools change of heart. His children quickly surround their father, who is now weaker than ever.
"Father," they ask, "How can you betray your church like that?"
But he only smiles and replies,
"Because I'd much rather have a fucking protestant die than a catholic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83o6ex/an_old_catholic_irishman_is_lying_on_his_deathbed/
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There was a nun walking home to the convent.

She had to pass through a forest.  While on the trail, a man jumps from behind the bushes and had is way.
“What will you tell the Holy Father now Sister?” he asked.
“I’ll tell him I was walking through the woods when a man jumped from behind the bushes and raped me twice, unless you’re tired.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83o3mw/there_was_a_nun_walking_home_to_the_convent/
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Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

*The retail store*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83o2mz/where_do_animals_go_when_their_tails_fall_off/
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What do you call and overweight Alien?

An extra-cholesterol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83nv7w/what_do_you_call_and_overweight_alien/
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Why don’t you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in the trees?

*Because they’re really good at it.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83nuwt/why_dont_you_ever_see_a_hippopotamus_hiding_in/
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I have a friend who’s a cannibal, but he’s a really great guy. He only eats murderers, rapists, and child molesters. He builds homes for the homeless. He volunteers.

He’s a real humanitarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ns3z/i_have_a_friend_whos_a_cannibal_but_hes_a_really/
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I got circumcised today...

... any tips?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83nibk/i_got_circumcised_today/
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WARNING... Dad joke ahead.

This actually just happened.
Wife and Son are playing an intense game of battle ship.
Son: I-8
Me: I haven’t ate... I’m hungry
Wife: (not finding the humor)... miss... E-10
Me: Grammar Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83nfpc/warning_dad_joke_ahead/
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Logan Paul walked into a bar...

and lowered it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ne2y/logan_paul_walked_into_a_bar/
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The old catholic priest of a small community is called upon by the church for a meeting, and the church sends a young replacement for the time that the old priest is away.

This is, infact, the young priests first real service for a community, and he is eager to do his duty.
He gives his first mass, performes it flawlessly, and during his sermon, none of the locals were bored. He is proud of his work, and wants to do more.
So, he sits down on the confession booth after the sermon, and waits for his sheep to come and repent.
The first man however, was already a challenge.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It is now 3 months since my last confession."
"You can tell me everything, my son.", the young priest eagerly replies.
"My wife and I had Anal Sex yesterday, and I now feel ashamed and dirty."
The young priest is stunned. He was never told what to say in cases like this.
So, he carefully sneaks out of the booth, and looks for one of the altar boys cleaning up after the sermon.
He beckons the boy over, and nervously asks
"What does your old man usually give for Anal?"
The boy thinks for a second, then shrugges and replies,
"Sometimes a Snickers, sometimes a Mars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ndvi/the_old_catholic_priest_of_a_small_community_is/
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A man and a woman were fooling around. She pulls his pants down, and taken aback, asks “Why do you have ‘Shorty’ tattooed on your penis?”

“Oh you don’t understand,” says the man. “If you play around with it a little bit it says ‘Shorty’s Sinclair Service Station, Chattanooga, Tennessee.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ndqr/a_man_and_a_woman_were_fooling_around_she_pulls/
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Dave and Steve are out back at a party, smoking and talking

Dave turns to Steve and starts telling what he thought was a hilarious joke. After he's finished, Dave is confused, as Steve isn't laughing at all. Then he remembers it's an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ncvb/dave_and_steve_are_out_back_at_a_party_smoking/
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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What would you like to drink?"

"Pop!" Goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83nc5c/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_asks_what/
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I really like daylight savings time, I got an extra hour of sleep last night

I was in bed for 7 hours, but when I woke up it was EIGHT HOURS LATER!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83na3w/i_really_like_daylight_savings_time_i_got_an/
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My friend has a "Bon Appetit" sign above his toilet. When I asked him why...

He told me to eat shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83n9sq/my_friend_has_a_bon_appetit_sign_above_his_toilet/
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Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims they went through 87 stories in 10 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83n8az/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
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I just finished a book on the military nobility of pre-industrial Japan

Would you like me to samurais it for you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83n7rr/i_just_finished_a_book_on_the_military_nobility/
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What do you call a police who arrests a jaywalker?

A Petty Officer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83n7gu/what_do_you_call_a_police_who_arrests_a_jaywalker/
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A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, “I’ve got your bandit just as you requested ‘dead and alive’.”
The mayor says, “not ‘dead AND alive’, ‘dead OR alive’. ”
The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, “I guess we should open the box then.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83n6rn/a_bounty_hunter_rides_into_town_with_a_completely/
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What if breast implants were made of maple or oak?

That would be weird, wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83n2j9/what_if_breast_implants_were_made_of_maple_or_oak/
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Opinions are like orgasms...

...mine are all well and good, but I like to hear my girlfriend's too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83n0w6/opinions_are_like_orgasms/
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Officer: I did not see you in camouflage class...

Soldier: Thank you, officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83n0cx/officer_i_did_not_see_you_in_camouflage_class/
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A priest checks into a hotel

So he would not be tempted to sin, the priest goes to the front desk and says "Excuse me but, I was wondering if the porn on the tv could be disabled."
The lady looks back in disgust and screams "NO YOU SICK BASTARD WE ONLY HAVE NORMAL!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83mz3f/a_priest_checks_into_a_hotel/
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After 18 years living with my family I decided to get my own place.

And boy is my wife pissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83mx77/after_18_years_living_with_my_family_i_decided_to/
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Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house?

Because it was 2 squared

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83mve9/why_didnt_4_enter_the_haunted_house/
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A lady walks into Harrods.

She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83muo4/a_lady_walks_into_harrods/
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How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?

Sight unseen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83mttg/how_do_blind_folks_buy_homes_in_hot_markets/
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The Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I will explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier run by here?"
The nun replied, "Nope, not today sir, god bless you" After the Police ran the other direction the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, you see, I don't want to go to war in Iran." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope this isn't rude sister but you have a great set of legs!"
The nun replied "Well, If you had looked a little higher you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iran either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83mtov/the_nun/
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Why can't life guards save hippies?

Because they're too far out, man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83msyp/why_cant_life_guards_save_hippies/
%
I always wanted to try juggling...

I just never had the balls to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83mon2/i_always_wanted_to_try_juggling/
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Reposting jokes is like buying clothes...

You use other people's material to make yourself look good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83mmi2/reposting_jokes_is_like_buying_clothes/
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The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night...

Well I did and I had a fucking great night !
She had to stay in the car, keeping the car engine running.
credit: r/sickipedia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83mm1p/the_wife_and_i_went_to_a_bank_robbersthemed_fancy/
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How do you get Gold's attention?

"Ay, you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83mij5/how_do_you_get_golds_attention/
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Joke: Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83mduo/joke_late_one_night_a_man_is_driving_down_the/
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A Girl and a Stoner Were Going on a Blind Date

The stoner suggested they meet at a buffet, and told her he will be the guy walking around with orange juice.
When he got there, they were out of orange juice so he got lemonade instead.
The girl came in and she was ugly, so the stoner kept his mouth shut.
She saw that he was the only one walking around with a drink so she came up to him and asked if he was the guy she hooked up with.
To which he replies: “I’m sorry ma’am, you got the wrong guy. This is lemonade, not orange juice.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83mdui/a_girl_and_a_stoner_were_going_on_a_blind_date/
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My great-grandfather started up an underground distillery during Prohibition

It was a whiskey business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83mcgg/my_greatgrandfather_started_up_an_underground/
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I’m canoeing in Sudan, not Egypt - my map must be wrong

I guess I’m just in denial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83mcdw/im_canoeing_in_sudan_not_egypt_my_map_must_be/
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Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar.

They sit. They converse. They depart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83mccg/three_intransitive_verbs_walk_into_a_bar/
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Doctor: “How’s your headache?”

Man: “She is fine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83maee/doctor_hows_your_headache/
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How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?

By rearranging the furniture and leaving a plunger in the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83m8gh/how_did_helen_kellers_parents_punish_her/
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Want to know how dark my humor is?

It picks cotton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83m4gk/want_to_know_how_dark_my_humor_is/
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My mother always used to say, "The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!" Lovely woman...

...useless surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83m4bs/my_mother_always_used_to_say_the_way_to_a_mans/
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What did Mario say to Peach when he broke up with her?

"It's not you......it's a-me, Mario!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83m4as/what_did_mario_say_to_peach_when_he_broke_up_with/
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Hey boss, do you know the difference between your daughter and tomorrow morning??

I'm not coming in tomorrow morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83m3uy/hey_boss_do_you_know_the_difference_between_your/
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Two Pirate captains sat at a bar driniking, and they were both each others biggest fan.

"You are quite the Pirate. I know of ye and your men. The most fearsome thing on the sea" Complimented Bloodbeard.
"Well I know too well 'you - "Sea Butcher". One Handed Jack! You are the scourge of the seas! We are indebted to host your accompanyment!"
"Also known are ye for your grammar and acquiestment of English and many languages!"
"But still, you are twice the pirate that I, or any of my men am" said Bloodbeard.
A pirate listening nearby corrected him "Arrgh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83m35i/two_pirate_captains_sat_at_a_bar_driniking_and/
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I wanted to tell a gravity joke

But I guess it'll just have to weight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83m2nl/i_wanted_to_tell_a_gravity_joke/
%
Do ALL black people have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83m2ks/do_all_black_people_have_a_problem_with_slavery/
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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing

She's at the gate... and she's off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83m0qw/my_wife_is_leaving_me_because_of_my_obsession/
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Pigeons are just like doves.

Except no one invites them to weddings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83lx17/pigeons_are_just_like_doves/
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If three people having sex is a threesome

And two people having sex is called a twosome,
I guess that's why people call me handsome...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83lv6y/if_three_people_having_sex_is_a_threesome/
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My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry.
Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83luwx/my_kids_were_hungry_so_i_made_them_burgers_from/
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What is the Difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a super hero, Iron Woman is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83lut8/what_is_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
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Why did the black person go into confession?

Because he wanted to know what it is like to speak to a father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ltaz/why_did_the_black_person_go_into_confession/
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A man on one side of the river shouts out to a man on the other side of the river, “Hey! How do I get to the other side of the river?!”

The other man yells back, “You are on the other side of the river!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83lt7w/a_man_on_one_side_of_the_river_shouts_out_to_a/
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My friend..

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83lozo/my_friend/
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I heard prison is a great place to grab a drink...

... apparently there are a bunch of really solid bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83logy/i_heard_prison_is_a_great_place_to_grab_a_drink/
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funny husband and wife playing silent .......

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83liwf/funny_husband_and_wife_playing_silent/
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Micky and Minnie Mouse are consulting their lawyer about planning a divorce.

Halfway through reading Mickie's statement, the lawyer finds something odd.
"So it says here," he inquires, eyebrow notched," that you want to divorce your wife because she's, ahem, 'extremely silly'?
"No," Mickie shouted, hardly able to control his anger. " I want the divorce because she's fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83lhna/micky_and_minnie_mouse_are_consulting_their/
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Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83lhbz/made_love_to_my_wife_for_an_hour_and_four_minutes/
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What do you call a cat who eats a lemon?

A sourpuss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83lfk7/what_do_you_call_a_cat_who_eats_a_lemon/
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My friend

keeps saying "cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck in a hole in the ground filled with water"
... I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ldpu/my_friend/
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When I see lover's names on trees, I don't think it is sweet.

I think why on earth do people bring knives on dates?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83lch7/when_i_see_lovers_names_on_trees_i_dont_think_it/
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How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83la83/how_are_tornadoes_and_marriage_alike/
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Once upon a time in a bar far far away....

The "Pessimist" saw cups half EMPTY
The "Optimist" saw the cups half FULL
*The woman slapped them both for staring !*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83la0p/once_upon_a_time_in_a_bar_far_far_away/
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Three men were bragging about being great lovers

First man said: "The last woman I made love to moaned for 30 minutes after I was done."
Second man continued: "Oh yeah? Last time I had sex, we went for it all night long and I kept her howling and begging for more for hours afterwards."
Third man replied: "That's nothing. I banged my wife, came in 10 minutes and wiped my dick to the bedroom curtains. It's been two weeks and she still hasn't stopped screaming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83l5a0/three_men_were_bragging_about_being_great_lovers/
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Why does Bernie Sanders hate icebergs?

Because only the top 1% can stay above water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83l42p/why_does_bernie_sanders_hate_icebergs/
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I wrote this one yesterday. Hopefully it's worth the read...

It was 1987 and Mr O'Neal had been working in his tailor shop for little creatures solidly, all year!
*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open and in hops a flea.
He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".
"Step this way", he says and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure. "Hmmm, could do with losing a few milligrams, your waist is 0.05mm larger than last time."
"Ooooh ooh, bitter lies!" cries the flea, and he hops out of the shop.
A few minutes later...
*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open again and in scurries a rat.
He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".
"Step this way", he says and he begins measuring up the rat with his tiny teeny tape measure. "Hmmm, you seem to be 1cm taller than last time, kinda makes you look lanky."
"Ooooh ooh, bitter lies!" says the rat, and he scurries out of the shop.
A few minutes later...
*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open again and in creeps a spider.
He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".
"Step this way", he says and he begins measuring up the spider with his tiny teeny tape measure. "Hmmm, two of your legs are 0.3mm shorter than the others, makes you look kinda freaky."
"Ooooh ooh, bitter lies!" says the spider, and he creeps out of the shop.
A few hours later...
*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open again and in stomps an extremely pissed off and incredibly lonely Mrs O'Neal.
"I'm fed up," shouts his wife, "'cause all you want to do is critter size."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83l2eb/i_wrote_this_one_yesterday_hopefully_its_worth/
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I'm not really in the mood to laugh, today my friends bakery burned down...

Now his business is toast :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83l0uc/im_not_really_in_the_mood_to_laugh_today_my/
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A Brit, a German, and an Irish man walk into a bar and order a beer....

The Brit sees a fly in his beer. He asks the bartender for a new beer, and drinks it.
The German sees a fly in his beer. He plucks it out, throws it on the ground, and drinks it.
The Irish man sees a fly in his beer, he plucks it out, holds it over the beer, stares at the fly and leans in, screaming: “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83l0i9/a_brit_a_german_and_an_irish_man_walk_into_a_bar/
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after 9 months of procrastination, of psyching myself up and never following through, last night i finally went to the gym

to cancel that damned membership.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83kzq6/after_9_months_of_procrastination_of_psyching/
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What did Jared from Subway get in his court sentence?

Free foot-longs for life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83kyak/what_did_jared_from_subway_get_in_his_court/
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Do you guys have idea how hard it is to make a good Jewish joke?

Actually, Israeli easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ksnm/do_you_guys_have_idea_how_hard_it_is_to_make_a/
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I just looked at my bank account...

...and found out I can live comfortably, without working, for the rest of my life...As long as I die on Thursday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ks70/i_just_looked_at_my_bank_account/
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What has five fingers and isn't your hand?

My hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83kr9w/what_has_five_fingers_and_isnt_your_hand/
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Why is digging a hole not a good way to entertain yourself?

Because it's boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83kp55/why_is_digging_a_hole_not_a_good_way_to_entertain/
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A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven

On arrival in heaven, the Holocaust survivor tells God a Holocaust joke. God says, "that's not funny." The survivor replies, "ah, well, you had to be there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83kht0/a_holocaust_survivor_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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I'm not sure how, but I accidentally pissed off a couple taking a run this morning.

I even complimented their dog; I really do wish my bitch was that gorgeous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83keiu/im_not_sure_how_but_i_accidentally_pissed_off_a/
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If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83k9f0/if_men_call_short_women_petite_what_do_women_call/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83k827/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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What do they call 50 Cent in Zimbabwe?

The 400 million dollar man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83k53w/what_do_they_call_50_cent_in_zimbabwe/
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There was a guy who REALLY hated the elevator.

He took many steps to avoid it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83k3yx/there_was_a_guy_who_really_hated_the_elevator/
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I threw forty quarters into the air and every single one of them landed on the edge!

Perhaps I should have taken them out of the roll.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83k31s/i_threw_forty_quarters_into_the_air_and_every/
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Tekumba

A proper Englishman was being guided through a tribal area in southern Africa when suddenly a war party captures the Englishman and the guide. They are brought to the king of the tribe for trial to see what to do with them. The king decides that they can either choose to be given tekumba as a punishment and be set free, or be executed.
Reluctantly, the guide chooses tekumba. The king orders some people around who take a long wooden pole and shove it up the guide's butt and bounce him around on top of the pole. He walks away in pain, but is set free.
The Englishman stuffily says that he will not be humiliated like that and chooses death. The kind respectfully says that that is fine. He then colludes with his advisors and when he comes back he announces "death, by tekumba!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83k0vi/tekumba/
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting on a park bench

A young boy ran past them.  The priest asks hey, hey, how'd you like to screw that one?  The rabbi turns and  says outta what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83k06s/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_were_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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I wouldn’t join the navy.

Seamen everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83jyce/i_wouldnt_join_the_navy/
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A priest and a bishop were walking downtown...

...when a attractive hooker invitingly said to them, “How about it... twenty dollars a pop?” They looked at each other quizzically, then said politely to the hooker, “No, thank you.”
They walked on and another lady of the night asked them, “How about it... twenty dollars a pop? And again they declined.
Then the priest asked the bishop, "What the hell is a pop?" and the bishop admitted that he didn't know. They said that they would ask the wise old Mother Superior when they got back to the convent.
When they got back they asked her, "Mother Superior, what's a pop?"
Ol' Mother Superior answered immediately, "Twenty bucks. Same as downtown."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83jw6r/a_priest_and_a_bishop_were_walking_downtown/
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I walked into my sisters room and tripped over a bra

It was a booby trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83jqbj/i_walked_into_my_sisters_room_and_tripped_over_a/
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You know, being unsure if I'm a plant is actually pretty cool.

Am I rye?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83jo2o/you_know_being_unsure_if_im_a_plant_is_actually/
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Pavlov is sitting in a bar when the phone rings.

All of a sudden he jumps up and yells: "Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83jnch/pavlov_is_sitting_in_a_bar_when_the_phone_rings/
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Breasts are like the sun

You can stare at them longer with sunglasses on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83jn6v/breasts_are_like_the_sun/
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Knock Knock

* Knock knock
* Who's there?
* Britney
* Britney who?
* Knock knock
* Who's there?
* Britney
* Britney who?
* Oops, I did it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83jjmx/knock_knock/
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If the stork brings white babies and the raven brings black babies, what kind of bird brings no babies?

The swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83jfzd/if_the_stork_brings_white_babies_and_the_raven/
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How do you organize a party in space?

You planet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83je3c/how_do_you_organize_a_party_in_space/
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SQUIRRELS IN CHURCH

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.  The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves.  The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures.  So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church.  Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy!  They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church.  Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him.  They haven't seen a squirrel since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ja41/squirrels_in_church/
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You can determine the gender of an ant by throwing it in a puddle of water

If it sinks it’s a girl ant, but if it floats it’s a boy ant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83j85f/you_can_determine_the_gender_of_an_ant_by/
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Why do Jews watch porn backwards ?

So they can see the hooker give back the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83j4kp/why_do_jews_watch_porn_backwards/
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Almost all of my relationships are long distance relationships.

I'm a midget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83j2p4/almost_all_of_my_relationships_are_long_distance/
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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83j22l/okay_fred_shaggy_and_daphne_can_you_name_an/
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Politics is alot like driving

D to go forward, R to go backward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83j1bf/politics_is_alot_like_driving/
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I never liked the idea of having a beard

Then it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83izz8/i_never_liked_the_idea_of_having_a_beard/
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Why do they use AI (Captcha, etc.) to detect if you’re a robot online?

It takes one to know one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ixp2/why_do_they_use_ai_captcha_etc_to_detect_if_youre/
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Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?

They're too bitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83iwck/why_dont_cannibals_eat_divorced_women/
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I found a French guy stuck in a giant loaf of bread.

He told me he was in a lot of pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83iucn/i_found_a_french_guy_stuck_in_a_giant_loaf_of/
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What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83isw2/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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Hands up mother stickers!

This is a fuck up!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83iq0q/hands_up_mother_stickers/
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The world's funniest joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said:
"Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely that there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said:
"Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83iobi/the_worlds_funniest_joke/
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There's a father and a son sitting in their living room.

The son asked, "What's it like to have the greatest son in the world?"
The father replied, "I don't know, you'll have to ask your grandpa"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ildm/theres_a_father_and_a_son_sitting_in_their_living/
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My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well, she’s in for a shock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83il5h/my_girlfriend_says_im_hopeless_at_fixing/
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Guess who I bumped into at the opticians the other day?

Everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ijf3/guess_who_i_bumped_into_at_the_opticians_the/
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How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his cousin in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ij8u/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
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I'm Full of Riddles.

Riddle A:
---
What is the longest word in the dictionary?
S**mile**s because there is a mile between the S's.
Riddle B:
---
What has hands but cannot clap?
A clock!
Riddle Cya L8ter:
---
How do you make the #1 disappear?
Add a **G** to it and it's G**one**.
Bye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83iith/im_full_of_riddles/
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If Caitlyn Jenner was a superhero...

I'm not sure what her name would be, but I'm quite sure she'd be a part of the Ex-men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83iify/if_caitlyn_jenner_was_a_superhero/
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Why do Jewish men always get their sons circumcised?

Because Jewish women can’t resist anything 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83iewe/why_do_jewish_men_always_get_their_sons/
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How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83idkh/how_many_vegans_does_it_take_to_eat_a_bacon/
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What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the start of a game of chess?

I’ll be black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ib20/what_does_arnold_schwarzenegger_say_at_the_start/
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My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday

They misunderstood when i said
“I wanna watch”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83i9vv/my_lesbian_neighbors_got_me_a_rolex_for_my/
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What did the oceans say when they met?

Nothing, they just waved at eachother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83i6hi/what_did_the_oceans_say_when_they_met/
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I removed my snail's shell because I thought it would make him faster

It seems it only made him more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83i64p/i_removed_my_snails_shell_because_i_thought_it/
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Why does Mexico never hold the olympics?

Everyone that can run,  jump,  and swim are already out of the country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83i511/why_does_mexico_never_hold_the_olympics/
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What do you call it when a blind person goes on the internet?

The Dark Web.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83i3y1/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_blind_person_goes_on/
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I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun

The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83i1je/i_bought_a_jello_mold_in_the_shape_of_a_handgun/
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A rape victim went to see a Psychotherapist. She left the building running and screaming before her session.

The sign on the door said;
Psycho
the
rapist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83huea/a_rape_victim_went_to_see_a_psychotherapist_she/
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TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...it's correct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ht61/til_sugar_is_the_only_word_in_the_english/
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he had nobody to go with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ht37/why_didnt_the_skeleton_go_to_the_dance/
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I heard Martin Shkreli is sentenced to 7 years in prison, although originally he was going to serve 51 days

they raised it 5000%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83hsqu/i_heard_martin_shkreli_is_sentenced_to_7_years_in/
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Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing..."Psst...come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit...that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83hryt/man_walks_into_a_pet_shop_and_sees_a_parrot_for/
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I'm moving up in the world

Elevators sure are neat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83hq24/im_moving_up_in_the_world/
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A joke walks into r/Jokes

again, and again, and again, and again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83hjy9/a_joke_walks_into_rjokes/
%
I took Adderall for my ADHD

I started focusing on my distractions better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83h55p/i_took_adderall_for_my_adhd/
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Old man says to old woman, “I bet you can’t guess how old I am.”

She responds, “I bet I can. Unzip your pants”
The guy is shocked but plays along.  The woman sticks her hand in his pants and feels him up for a few minutes before saying, “You’re 83!”
The old guy is astonished and says, “I am 83! How did you know?”
The old lady says, “You told me yesterday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83h42r/old_man_says_to_old_woman_i_bet_you_cant_guess/
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Asked my iPhone, “Surely I don’t need an umbrella today?”. Siri replied “Yes, and don’t call me Shirley”.

Turns out I left Airplane mode on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83h2v7/asked_my_iphone_surely_i_dont_need_an_umbrella/
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Did you hear about the Japanese firefighter who changed careers to aviation in 1940?

He went from hero to Zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83h27n/did_you_hear_about_the_japanese_firefighter_who/
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Why didn’t the melons get married?

They cant-elope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83gz4e/why_didnt_the_melons_get_married/
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"What'll you have?" asks the barman

A tachyon walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83gxec/whatll_you_have_asks_the_barman/
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Psychiatrist to neurotic patient "You have acute paranoia"

Neurotic Patient "I came here to be treated, not admired"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83gwg4/psychiatrist_to_neurotic_patient_you_have_acute/
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A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83gwf3/a_physicist_goes_to_the_top_of_the_empire_state/
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I used to hate facial hair.

Then it grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83gv2q/i_used_to_hate_facial_hair/
%
The poor man asks the rich man,

"What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83goot/the_poor_man_asks_the_rich_man/
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I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83gl7u/i_thought_me_and_my_girlfriend_had_something_she/
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A dad’s three daughters are all going on their first dates.

Obviously he is a little worried, so he asks for the three guys to come to his house so that he can see that his daughters are in good hands.
The first guy comes along. He says, “Hey I’m Jake and I want to take your daughter out for steak.”
The father thinks that this guy has good intentions and lets the two date.
The second guy comes along. He says, “Hi I’m Will and I want your daughter to see a fine film.”
The father thinks that this guy has good intentions and lets the two date.
The third guy comes along. “Hey I’m Chuck...”
Father: “Get out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83gh16/a_dads_three_daughters_are_all_going_on_their/
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Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed?

Only women get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83gfsj/why_dont_men_in_the_middle_east_smoke_weed/
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A white man sits down at the bar...

He overheard a blonde and redhead talking.
The blonde says to the redhead, "What kind of guys do you have the best sex with?" The redhead says "Native Americans. Their penises aren't the longest, but they're so wide and just hits all the right spots."
The man smiles and orders them a couple of drinks.
Then the redhead says to the blonde, what about you?" The blonde says, "Mexicans. Their penises aren't that wide but they're long and can hit the deep spots just right."
The man orders them another round of drinks.
They blonde says, "Hey mister! Thanks for the drinks! By the way, what's your name?"
He smiles and says, "Tonto Rodriguez."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83gcci/a_white_man_sits_down_at_the_bar/
%
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

"So the dad replied, ""Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight.""
The son replied, ""But Dad, I only see two."""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83gbl3/the_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_him_dad_whats/
%
What did the owner of the brothel say to the guy who tried to come in after hours?

"We're closed. Beat it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83g65i/what_did_the_owner_of_the_brothel_say_to_the_guy/
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall...

One fish turns to the other and says, “dam!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83g53d/two_fish_swim_into_a_concrete_wall/
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I'm writing a TV show about a girl named Abigail who moves to the big city

It's called Downtown Abbie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83g3im/im_writing_a_tv_show_about_a_girl_named_abigail/
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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican NSFW

When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies.
The other six dwarfs start to giggle.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persists.
"No, none in all of Italy," the Pope answers more sternly.
The dwarfs begin to laugh even more.
"Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
This time the Pope is much more firm. "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
By now, the other dwarfs are laughing aloud.
"Your Excellency," Dopey demands. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
"No Dopey, " the Pope snaps. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!"
The six dwarfs start jumping up and down, chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83g0n9/the_seven_dwarfs_go_to_the_vatican_nsfw/
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A colony of nomads lived in the Saharan Desert.

Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank, due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.
After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beards, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.
When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you now remember the ancient legend, dire? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."
Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.
Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.
The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion?
"A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83g0mx/a_colony_of_nomads_lived_in_the_saharan_desert/
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I get concerned when a bunch of pigeons start gathering together

I worry they’re arranging a coo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83fy1b/i_get_concerned_when_a_bunch_of_pigeons_start/
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I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!

“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?” “No, but he always wanted to be.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83fx5s/i_want_to_be_a_millionaire_just_like_my_dad/
%
A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money.
So I woke up and searched with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83fvz0/a_thief_broke_into_my_house_last_night/
%
I had a stroke of genius this morning

And now my genius is paralyzed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83fuqc/i_had_a_stroke_of_genius_this_morning/
%
Write a wise saying and your name will live on.

----Anonymous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83fufd/write_a_wise_saying_and_your_name_will_live_on/
%
Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulders. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks. Paddy replied Mobile phones.
The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough each contained quite a few phones. "What are you going to do with all these phones?" asked the officer.
"Oh, they are not for me. My friend, who is a musical director, knew I was going over to America. He asked me to bring him back a 'couple of saxophones.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83fs3u/paddy_was_coming_back_from_his_holiday_in_america/
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What was the name of Iran’s first 80’s cover band ?

Quran Quran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83fpcb/what_was_the_name_of_irans_first_80s_cover_band/
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Stormy Daniels' testimony: "I felt this huge dick come into me..."

"But I never quite felt his penis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83fjxd/stormy_daniels_testimony_i_felt_this_huge_dick/
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His Confession

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."
The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."
The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."
The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"
The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."
The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him.
As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my throat, it's been sore for days."
The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83fj12/his_confession/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

. The first one orders a pint, the second orders half a pint, the third orders a quarter pint. The bartender interrupts them, “You guys need to learn your limits. Two pints, coming right up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ffnh/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83fdtu/what_starts_with_p_ends_with_orn_and_plays_a/
%
Einstein is on a train leaving New York.

He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83fdr1/einstein_is_on_a_train_leaving_new_york/
%
I make bad chemistry jokes

periodically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83fcu6/i_make_bad_chemistry_jokes/
%
A man walks into a bank...

A man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The woman leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the woman does not have to listen to that kind of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the man,"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
There is no fucking problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank."
"Oh...l see," says the manager. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83f8iv/a_man_walks_into_a_bank/
%
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his
reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith and made love to a woman."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a fucking ham sandwich, doesn"t it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83f7fu/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_were_sitting_next_to_each/
%
It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83f6js/its_not_the_size_of_the_ship_nor_the_motion_of/
%
My English teacher constantly makes fun of me because I confuse my prepositions.

He's always rubbing it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83f64j/my_english_teacher_constantly_makes_fun_of_me/
%
Why do scuba divers go backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forward they would fall into the boat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83f4ym/why_do_scuba_divers_go_backwards_off_the_boat/
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A WW2 veteran came to a class to tell his story

"I was a B17 pilot," he began, "It was more stressful than you can possibly imagine. Your life in the hands of others that also held the life of his comrades around him. Let me tell you, it wasn't an easy job for anyone to shoot those fokkers down."
The class snickered at the word 'fokkers'.
"By the time the Germans had jets... Those fokkers were impossible to shoot down."
The class giggled.
The teacher stepped in before the veteran continued, "Now, class, be considerate. Fokkers was actually a Dutch company that manufactured some of those planes."
The veteran looked at her with a smile, "You're absolutely right, ma'am! Except, these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83euah/a_ww2_veteran_came_to_a_class_to_tell_his_story/
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As a farmer people always ask me "What's the difference between ploughing and cultivating? and I tell them

"I haven't cultivated your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83esjy/as_a_farmer_people_always_ask_me_whats_the/
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There were three guys who decided they would bring gifts to the queen. The first guy brought a sack of apples, the second guy brought a sack of oranges, and the third guy brought a bomb.

On their way there, the plane started crashing down, so the first guy lands with his parachute and sees this kid crying he asked, “what’s wrong?” The kid says, “a sack of apples fell from the sky and hit my mom in the head,” the guy apologizes and walks away.
The second guy lands and sees this kid crying he asked, “what’s wrong?” The kid says, “a sack of oranges fell from the sky and hit my mom in the head,” the guy apologizes and walks away.
The third guy sees this kid laughing he asked, “what’s so funny?” The kid replies, “I farted and the house behind me blew up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ep67/there_were_three_guys_who_decided_they_would/
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I've been meaning to make more friends recently...

So I've joined a suicide cult and I'm going to hang with them for a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ems1/ive_been_meaning_to_make_more_friends_recently/
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I recent broke up with my cannibal girlfriend.

She told me that she wanted a baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83em0h/i_recent_broke_up_with_my_cannibal_girlfriend/
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My sexual desires have been getting out of control, but it wasn’t until I spanked a statue...

...that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ej1j/my_sexual_desires_have_been_getting_out_of/
%
Campfire stories

An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret are sitting at a campfire swapping tough guy stories.
The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute  4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."
Not to be out done by the ranger, the seal chimes in. "We navy seals are so tough, one time I swam upstream 8 miles into enemy lines. Once there, I took out a whole company of enemy special forces, and snuck back out with 100 pounds of their top secret weapons."
The green beret sat there nodding his head listening while stirring the coals with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ei6k/campfire_stories/
%
Chinese guy making a mistake in the elevator

Wong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ehzq/chinese_guy_making_a_mistake_in_the_elevator/
%
Sad but try

I was watching some really weird porn the other night, there was some strange skinny fella masterbating and crying, then i realized the tv was off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ee5n/sad_but_try/
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TEN HUSBANDS, STILL A VIRGIN

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83eas0/ten_husbands_still_a_virgin/
%
Three women were bragging about their boyfriends...

The first one proudly declares, my boyfriend is so kinky, he stuck his whole arm inside of me, The second girl shrugs her off and exclaims "that's nothing, my boyfriend once stuck his whole head inside me! The third one seemingly unimpressed states, "thats nothing compared to mine" as she spreads her legs and yells "BABE COME OUT OF THERE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83eaqx/three_women_were_bragging_about_their_boyfriends/
%
Me and my friend were playing fortnite

I said, “let’s make this interesting”
So we stopped playing fortnite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83e8bz/me_and_my_friend_were_playing_fortnite/
%
How do crazy people get across the woods?

They use the psycho-paths

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83e6xk/how_do_crazy_people_get_across_the_woods/
%
I saw an apple store getting robbed.

Police has now detained me as an iWitness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83e3k5/i_saw_an_apple_store_getting_robbed/
%
What does the poet do when he's frustrated with his fellow student?

Shakes peer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83dz0e/what_does_the_poet_do_when_hes_frustrated_with/
%
I work in a restaurant that only serves cannibals.

I'm head chef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83dwy2/i_work_in_a_restaurant_that_only_serves_cannibals/
%
Why did the clinic go out of business?

Because the doctors had no patience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83dubf/why_did_the_clinic_go_out_of_business/
%
Two frail old ladies were sitting on a park bench...

Out of nowhere, a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them. One old lady was so shocked she had a stroke...
but the other was too frail to reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83du51/two_frail_old_ladies_were_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83dtj8/what_gets_longer_when_pulled_fits_between_breasts/
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What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowomen?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83dsny/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowomen/
%
I went to the glazier the other day

He asked how can I help you? Eh, I am just window shopping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83dqm0/i_went_to_the_glazier_the_other_day/
%
What's red and bad for your teeth?

A 🅱rick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83doxz/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
A duck walks into a bar....

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83dm94/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My dad hanged himself recently. We decided to set up a committee in his honour.

However, we thought it would be inappropriate to have a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83dlr4/my_dad_hanged_himself_recently_we_decided_to_set/
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Yo mama so nasty,

She had to cut the string off her tampon so the crabs stop hanging themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83dkxs/yo_mama_so_nasty/
%
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83dkq0/my_local_drug_dealer_started_dressing_up_as_a/
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My drug dealer sold me some shoes last night.

I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83df12/my_drug_dealer_sold_me_some_shoes_last_night/
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What do you call a group of religious men that only go out at night?

Mennonites

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83dewj/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_religious_men_that/
%
How did Isaac Newton formalize calculus?

He went out on a lim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83dcmu/how_did_isaac_newton_formalize_calculus/
%
Why do crane operators seem to always get dates?

They have the strongest pick up lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83dbvm/why_do_crane_operators_seem_to_always_get_dates/
%
Why did the non-binary prospector move to the west?

Because theres gold in them/their hills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83d7w4/why_did_the_nonbinary_prospector_move_to_the_west/
%
You know what my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket??

Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83d767/you_know_what_my_grandfather_said_to_me_before_he/
%
I got expelled from mime school.

It must have been something I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83czy8/i_got_expelled_from_mime_school/
%
An expecting couple is buying party supplies.

The cashier asks “What’s the occasion?”
“Oh, We are having our baby shower,” says the wife.
“That’s pretty impressive,” says the cashier. “My wife and I still have to bathe ours.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83czny/an_expecting_couple_is_buying_party_supplies/
%
Three porn stars were getting drunk

And they started bragging to each other about their exploits
Porn star 1 said: “Girls, I’m easily the biggest whore in this bar. One time I fucked a soccer team. The whole team! Including the towel boy. And I did it by sneaking into the locker room, getting naked, and then just waiting for the game to end.”
Porn star 2 then said: “Pshhh! You’re a nerdy teenager compared to me. I fucked an entire fraternity when I was in college. Even the pledges. And I did it by just walking up, knocking on the front door, and asking who was ready for some fun.”
Porn star 1 was taken aback... but porn star 3 didn’t even blink. She just said “girls, compared to me, you two may as well be a couple of catholic nuns. Wasn’t long ago that I fucked every man, woman, and child in these here United States. And I did it by signing a non disclosure agreement during an election year.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83cu0o/three_porn_stars_were_getting_drunk/
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What do you call a respectable crotch you can eat?

Sir Loin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83cts5/what_do_you_call_a_respectable_crotch_you_can_eat/
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Two chemists go into a bar

The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."
The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" — and he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83ct7n/two_chemists_go_into_a_bar/
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A hunter takes two monkeys to a taxidermist…

The taxidermist asks “Do you want these mounted?”
The hunter responds “No, holding hands would be just fine”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83cssr/a_hunter_takes_two_monkeys_to_a_taxidermist/
%
A Roman walks into a bar

He raises two fingers and says, "5 Beers please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83csml/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me why I have no fucking money in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83csip/i_always_carry_a_picture_of_my_wife_and_kids_in/
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Why were the Romans so bad with algebra?

They always ended up with X equals 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83cruq/why_were_the_romans_so_bad_with_algebra/
%
You could say the smell of a new Apple product is...

Scent from my iPhone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83cqdd/you_could_say_the_smell_of_a_new_apple_product_is/
%
Today i donated 200$ to a poor stranger

You can't imagine how happy he was, putting his gun away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83cnw6/today_i_donated_200_to_a_poor_stranger/
%
A balding, white haired man walks into a jewelry store

one Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He tells the jeweler he's looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looks through his stock and brings out a $5,000 ring.
The man says, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler goes to his special stock and brings another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler says.
The lady's eyes sparkle and her whole body trembles with excitement.
The old man seeing this says, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asks how payment would be made and the man states,
"By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phones the old man and says "Sir... there's no money in that account."
"I know," says the old man... "But let me tell you about my weekend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83cmt0/a_balding_white_haired_man_walks_into_a_jewelry/
%
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop

The pizza store owner asks "One with everything, your holiness?"
The Lama replies: "No I'm a vegetarian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83cjga/the_dalai_lama_walks_into_a_pizza_shop/
%
A blonde gets pulled over by a blonde cop

Blonde cop: May I see your driving license?
Blonde driver: Driving license? What's that?
Blonde cop: The thing with your face on it
Blonde driver: Alright
Blonde driver: Reaches in her handbag and hands over her makeup mirror to the cop
Blonde Cop: Sorry, we didn't know you were a police woman as well. Carry on!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83cgsf/a_blonde_gets_pulled_over_by_a_blonde_cop/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83cgof/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear

Is Sphere Itself.
my only joke i've ever came up with and it flat-out sucks.
no way around it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83cfgt/the_only_thing_flatearthers_fear/
%
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

Neither one can come until you fall asleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83c91l/what_do_santa_claus_and_bill_cosby_have_in_common/
%
Well done to McDonald's for marking International Women's Day by turning their logo upside down...

It looks just like a big dangly pair of tits...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83c72d/well_done_to_mcdonalds_for_marking_international/
%
A man dies, standing before death. Death tells him that if he can beat him at a game, he can have his life back. The man thinks for a moment, asks for a slip of paper and a pen. He writes on the paper, folds it, and hands it back to death.

"The Game"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83c5yu/a_man_dies_standing_before_death_death_tells_him/
%
Just found out I'm half-Irish and half-Scot.....

Half of me wants to stay drunk all the time and the other half doesn't want to pay for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83c52o/just_found_out_im_halfirish_and_halfscot/
%
Why don't the French put two eggs on their sandwiches?

Because they think one egg is "un oeuf"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83c29p/why_dont_the_french_put_two_eggs_on_their/
%
Somebody once argued to me "that which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence."

I replied "no it can't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83c08w/somebody_once_argued_to_me_that_which_is_asserted/
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From the book I'm reading: Confucius Say: Man who run in front of speeding car get tired.

Man who run behind speeding car get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83c03a/from_the_book_im_reading_confucius_say_man_who/
%
Mom, what's an EKG?

Me: Mom, what's an EKG?
Mom (who's a nurse): It's an Electrocardiogram, it checks your heart for problems.
Me: Oh, so what's an ECG?
Mom: It's the same thing, just different letters.
Me: What about an EEG?
Mom: It stands for Electroencephalography, it checks your brain for problems.
Me: Neat! So what's an EGG?
Mom: Um... I don't know that one!
Me: It's an egg, mom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bzhb/mom_whats_an_ekg/
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How many redditors does it take to write an original joke?

Three. One to repost the top joke from yesterday, one to write a unique variation of the joke in the comments, and one to post "the real joke is always in the comments" to alert other redditors where to find the original joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bxij/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_write_an/
%
Cole's Law

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
(I remember hearing this from my dad, and to this day it makes me giggle like an idiot.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bx19/coles_law/
%
What do you call a native american pirate?

An eyepache

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bre0/what_do_you_call_a_native_american_pirate/
%
Jesus fed 2000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

And Hitler made 6 million Jews toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bqff/jesus_fed_2000_people_with_5_loaves_of_bread_and/
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City officials required all their male employees to socialize with male coworkers after work once a week.

They issued a government mandate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bqcy/city_officials_required_all_their_male_employees/
%
Weight loss

A guy learns about a new workout method - rapid weight reduction guaranteed. He calls the company, they make an appointment for the standard package .
At the given time it knocks on his door. He opens and there is this really nice girl in a tight running outfit - she winks at him and says-  “if you catch me...“ and runs away.
In no time he is on his feet after her, running, running, running.  Sometimes he nearly reaches her, but then she runs just this little bit faster. After an hour time is over, he is done but very happy with the workout
Next week he calls the company again and asks for the next level - deluxe. They make an appointment, at the given time there's a knock on the door - this time its a real beauty standing before him, with everything a man can wish for, dressed in a tiny bikini - she winks at him and says “if you catch me...“ and runs away.
Again he is on his feet in no time, runs as he never did before, this beautiful woman always just a little bit out of reach for him. After two hours time is over, he is really done but happy with the intensity of the workout.
So he calls the company again and asks for their next-level package - ultra. He is very curious how they will top their deluxe package.
At the given time there is a knock on the door, he opens and there is this huge guy (think canadian lumberjack) with a big bulge in his jeans, who winks at him and says - “if I catch You....“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bq9n/weight_loss/
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What's the difference between a hoover and a Harley?

The position of the dirt bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bppd/whats_the_difference_between_a_hoover_and_a_harley/
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My friend has this really weird obsession with snakes, it's not right....

i think he has A Reptile Dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bpio/my_friend_has_this_really_weird_obsession_with/
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There was once an artist in San Francisco...

Every Saturday he would visit Pier 39 and silently sculpt statues of sea animals. But at the end of each session instead of selling these statues he would splash colorful paints on them and then brutally attack the pieces with various tools and only THEN open the items up for bid.
On one Saturday a news crew arrived and to their surprise the otherwise silent artist agreed to appear on camera and answer their questions.
The interview only lasted a few moments and it turned out that the driving motive behind the artist’s weekly performances was to raise awareness for sea creatures that battle mental health disorders untreated. He also explained that the destruction of these painted pieces represents the creature’s deteriorated mental state.
As the interview came to an end the reporter turned back to the camera and said,
“Well folks, I think we can chalk all of this up to an artist doing things for autistic porpoises.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bp4c/there_was_once_an_artist_in_san_francisco/
%
What did one vampire lesbian say to the other vampire lesbian?

Same time next month?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bnzv/what_did_one_vampire_lesbian_say_to_the_other/
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Two prawns are talking to each other

Two prawns, named Graham and Christian, are taking to each other about their life. Graham decides that he is tired of being a prawn, and tells Christian ‘I want to be something bigger and better, I want to live a little, I wish I were a shark’
Suddenly, a magic cod appears and grants Graham’s wish, turning him into a magnificent shark. Christian is very scared by this, thinking that Graham will then eat him, so swims away.
Graham initially enjoys life as a shark, but soon realised he is very lonely, and misses his old friend Christian, so decides he would rather be a prawn again.
He searches the ocean and eventually finds the magic fish that made him as he is, and begs to be turned back into a prawn. The magic cod obliges, and Graham is a prawn once more.
He goes searching for Christian, calling his name, until Christian hears Graham and runs away, hiding behind a rock.
‘Go away, I know you are just here to eat me’, says Christian.
‘No’ says Graham
‘I’ve found Cod, I’m a prawn again, Christian!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bmsn/two_prawns_are_talking_to_each_other/
%
Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food?

No?
Well, neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bkp0/have_you_ever_tasted_ethiopian_food/
%
What do you call the crossover between a pig and a dinosaur?

Jurassic Pork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bk0u/what_do_you_call_the_crossover_between_a_pig_and/
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A religious woman works in an epidemiology lab...

One day, she sets up two agar plates, and swabs the first with smallpox. Remembering how dangerous her line of work is, she touches the crucifix around her neck and says a quick prayer.
She gets a new pair of gloves, then swabs some Ebola onto the other plate, but not before again tapping her necklace and saying a another short prayer.
Days later she comes to check the cultures, and the smallpox is growing well, but when she checks the other plate, behold! there isn't just ebola on the plate, but smallpox as well!
When she thinks about how this could have happened, she realizes the smallpox must have travelled on her glove from the first plate to her crucifix, then from her crucifix to the second plate on the new gloves.
When she writes her report, she blames the experiment's failure on cross contamination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83biap/a_religious_woman_works_in_an_epidemiology_lab/
%
The funniest joke...

After a lengthy trial, Bob is found guilty and sentenced to life in a medium security prison. Arriving just in time for the daily lunch, Bob introduces himself to his fellow inmates as he waits in line for the meal.
Somebody yells out "54!", and everyone around Bob starts laughing.
"123!" Another inmate declares, and the laughter continues.
"What's with the numbers?" Bob asks.
"Those are jokes", replies inmate Tom. "All of us have been here so long we memorized every joke, so each joke is represented by a number. "
Bob, wanting to fit in, yells out "three thousand, three hundred and thirty-three!". After a moment of silence, the prison erupts in guffaws. Tom slaps him on the back and says "Good one! We haven't heard that one before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bhbb/the_funniest_joke/
%
Why don't Jedi measure temperatures in Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bfu9/why_dont_jedi_measure_temperatures_in_kelvin/
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What do internet porn and prostitutes have in common?

Use them loads, you can get a virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bdj7/what_do_internet_porn_and_prostitutes_have_in/
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Have you heard about the sober rubber duck?

He’s been squeaky clean for 8 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bci3/have_you_heard_about_the_sober_rubber_duck/
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's go ride our bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83bbqf/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
So I heard Jessica Jones is directed by only Females

Well thats one way of saving 20% on production costs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83b9yz/so_i_heard_jessica_jones_is_directed_by_only/
%
What's the opposite of Martin Shkreli?

Martin Freeman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83b5m0/whats_the_opposite_of_martin_shkreli/
%
What do you call two men hiding inside a shoebox?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83b2yo/what_do_you_call_two_men_hiding_inside_a_shoebox/
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The ladder to success

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No way!, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she fluttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, 10/10 model.
"Fuck me or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello," said the ugly fat man said, "my name is Cess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83b2ge/the_ladder_to_success/
%
The Pope is giving a speech at Yankee Stadium...

He gets off his plane and hops immediately into the car with his driver in the front. The Pope looks at his watch and realizes how late he is.
"Hey, Mr. Driver, can you go a little faster, please?"
"I'm sorry your Holiness, I've been told to drive the limit for your safety."
"Oh for the love of God, let me drive."
The driver pulls over and switches seats with the Pope, not wanting to upset him. The Pope takes off going 90 on the freeway. He sees police lights in his rearview mirror, sighs, and pulls over. The Pope rolls down the window for the officer.
"Oh, hello your Holiness... just give me one second" the officer says and he goes to call his Captain.
"Cap, I just pulled someone over and he's super famous."
"Oh, like an athlete?"
"No no much more famous."
"Who then, Leo DiCaprio?"
"No, more famous than that!"
"Well who the hell is it?!"
"Well, I'm not sure but he's so famous that the Pope is driving him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83azu9/the_pope_is_giving_a_speech_at_yankee_stadium/
%
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?

You meet so many new people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83azry/whats_the_best_thing_about_alzheimers_disease/
%
You know which group doesn't have beef with anyone?

Hindus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83aywi/you_know_which_group_doesnt_have_beef_with_anyone/
%
Marvel Cinematic Universe just announced their newest addition to their 2015 film that will be released in 2019 starring a transgender hero.

Auntman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83awxc/marvel_cinematic_universe_just_announced_their/
%
My favorite pickup line:

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83as9d/my_favorite_pickup_line/
%
What do you call 2 monkeys that share the same Amazon account?

Prime mates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83apxl/what_do_you_call_2_monkeys_that_share_the_same/
%
How do you ask what diet someone is on?

You don't have to. They'll tell you all about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83anng/how_do_you_ask_what_diet_someone_is_on/
%
Was in line at the bank today

When a man walked in wearing sunglasses and holding a white and red walking stick, demanding all our money.
He was robbing us blind!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83aipl/was_in_line_at_the_bank_today/
%
A workmate of mine recently got divorced and I've noticed he gets upset every time he sees the family picture I've got on my desk.

I think he misses them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83agxo/a_workmate_of_mine_recently_got_divorced_and_ive/
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A posh New Yorker...

A posh New Yorker decides to take her two young children on a European vacation. Upon landing in Berlin the trio check into the Ritz Carlton. Even though the Ritz has a fabulous, five star restaurant, the mother thinks they should indulge in the local gastronomy, and they lace their shoes back on and head out on the town in search of a schnitzel.
As the three explore the area they witness an elderly fellow stumble out of a local bar and into the adjacent alley. As they pass by, the German unzips his fly, pulls his bratwurst out and begins to urinate. Completely taken back, the mother shields her children's eyes and exclaims,  "Ooooooo... gross!" The drunk Kraut looks back, sausage in hand and simply replies... "danke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83agqd/a_posh_new_yorker/
%
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83afqj/my_wife_and_i_were_sitting_at_a_table_at_her_high/
%
The best joke my dad told me.

What has 75 balls and always screws old ladies?
BINGO!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83afll/the_best_joke_my_dad_told_me/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know, and I don't care.
Happy Friday all. Pretty sure it's time for a beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83acdn/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
Someone once told me to drink bleach to quickly clean me out for a drug test. What an idiot...

The emergency room nurse said I still had drugs in my system when I woke up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83aatz/someone_once_told_me_to_drink_bleach_to_quickly/
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A wind turbine and an A/C unit walk into a bar

The wind turbine asks: "Hey man! How's your job going?"
A/C unit: "ehh, it's cool but I'm not a huge fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83a688/a_wind_turbine_and_an_ac_unit_walk_into_a_bar/
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A guy goes into a government job interview

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
"Yes, I served two tours in Afghanistan."
"Good, that counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you! I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in at about 10 tomorrow and we'll get you started."
The man looks at the interviewer quite puzzled and asks "if working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
The interviewer chuckles and says "well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point in you coming in for that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839xat/a_guy_goes_into_a_government_job_interview/
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I don't know why people think eating Tide Pods is dangerous...

I mean, you could start today and eat them for the rest of your life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839wkw/i_dont_know_why_people_think_eating_tide_pods_is/
%
A couple goes into a restaurant...

...and she meets a group of friends, one of them addresses her husband:
Hey John, how are you?
The husband says: "Not well, I'm ill, I have AIDS and the doctor gave me only a few months to live."
Astonished, he just says goodbye.
The woman discreetly says to her husband:
"John, do not be stupid! How can you tell people that you have AIDS if you really have lung cancer?
The husband answers:
Fuck it, I die anyways, but at least no one will want to screw with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839t7b/a_couple_goes_into_a_restaurant/
%
Suspended from school, was watching porn while solving for cos÷sin

I got cot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839sw8/suspended_from_school_was_watching_porn_while/
%
What is the most helpful beverage?

lemon-aid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839p1j/what_is_the_most_helpful_beverage/
%
They say there’s safety in numbers

try telling that to 6 million jews
-jimmy carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839nmq/they_say_theres_safety_in_numbers/
%
A married astronaut couple just got divorced...

It's not that they were bad partners, it's just that they both needed some space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839nls/a_married_astronaut_couple_just_got_divorced/
%
I dated a vegan once

And trust me they DO put meat in their mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839mo0/i_dated_a_vegan_once/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

"Why the long face?" asks the bartender... The horse replies, "I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from Sex in the City."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839i32/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a face, hand, or neck tattoo?

An everlasting jobstopper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839i1j/what_do_you_call_a_face_hand_or_neck_tattoo/
%
A Scotsman and his wife were walking past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's absolutely incredible!" Being a kind hearted Scot he thought, "what the hell, I'll treat her!"

So they walked past it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839hq4/a_scotsman_and_his_wife_were_walking_past_a/
%
You can tell when a woman is pregnant

She tends to get a little ovary active.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839eba/you_can_tell_when_a_woman_is_pregnant/
%
My grandfather was an old nautical engineer who tried to warn everyone on the Titanic that they were doomed

First he yelled at the passengers while they boarded...he was ignored
Then he yelled at the Captain and the First Mate...he was ignored
Then as he continued to yell his warnings; people began to tell him to be quiet and that he was crazy
Eventually, after all his yelling; Security came and escorted him out of the movie theater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839eal/my_grandfather_was_an_old_nautical_engineer_who/
%
Heard this joke today, and I absolutely love it.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "five beers, please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839dh2/heard_this_joke_today_and_i_absolutely_love_it/
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Yo momma so ugly...

... Even Freddy Krueger has nightmares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839c8t/yo_momma_so_ugly/
%
My girlfriend told me she needed time, and distance.

So I gave her velocity and she was happy with that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/839ais/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_needed_time_and_distance/
%
A Nazi walks into a Bar

-Mitzvah. It did not go well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8396nz/a_nazi_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The original name for Jedis was "Force Kin".

I wonder why they rolled it back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83934b/the_original_name_for_jedis_was_force_kin/
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The Husband Store

So a new store opened up in town where women can go and find the love of their lives. There are some rules though:
1. You can only shop once. Ever.
2. The quality of the 'merchandise' increases as you go up a floor (there are 6 floors total)
3. You can choose any product from any floor, but once you go up a floor you cannot come back to the previous floor.
So one day a group of friends decide to give this place a visit. Once they go into the first floor of the store, they are greeted with a sign that says:
WELCOME TO THE FIRST FLOOR: All the men here are average-looking and have no jobs.
The girls just laugh and proceed to the second floor.
WELCOME TO THE SECOND FLOOR: All the men here are good-looking and have decent paying jobs.
The girls go 'That's nice, but let's see what else they've got'. So they proceed to the next floor.
WELCOME TO THE THIRD FLOOR: All the men here are good-looking, have decent paying jobs and are excellent in bed.
'Now we're talking!' shout the girls in excitement. 'But we still have three more floors to go, let's see what else they've got' So they proceed to the next floor.
WELCOME TO THE FOURTH FLOOR: All the men here are extremely good-looking, have high-paying jobs so you won't have to work a day in your life, are excellent in bed and they absolutely love kids.
The girls cannot contain their excitement and have half a mind to go into this door but the idea of two more floors is just too enticing. So they proceed to the next floor.
WELCOME TO THE FIFTH FLOOR: All the men here are extremely good-looking, have high-paying jobs so you won't have to work a day in your life, are excellent in bed, they absolutely love kids, are super romantic and they will never be unfaithful.
Now the girls are just absolutely squealing and are about to go thru this door when they remember there's still one more floor. 'What could be better than this? Remember we can't ever come back if we leave' they think. But curiosity gets the best from them. So they proceed to the next floor.
WELCOME TO THE SIXTH FLOOR: There are no men here. This floor is here just as proof that women are impossible to please. You are the 31,428,474th visitor of this floor. Thank you for shopping with us!
BONUS:
They opened a Wife Store next door with the same rules:
1. You can only shop once. Ever.
2. The quality of the 'merchandise' increases as you go up a floor (there are 6 floors total)
3. You can choose any product from any floor, but once you go up a floor you cannot come back to the previous floor.
FIRST FLOOR: All the women here won't nag you a day in your life.
To this day, nobody knows what's in the second floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838yh1/the_husband_store/
%
What's a pirates favorite letter?

You'd think it would be R,
but Tis' the C they love

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838xrj/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
What does gay mean?

asked a son to his father.
It means 'happy, the father answered.
Oh, replied the son, so are you gay, then?
No, son, I have a wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838w3m/what_does_gay_mean/
%
A man is getting arrested by a policewoman.

Policewoman : Anything you say can and will be held against you...
Man : Your BOOBIES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838vn7/a_man_is_getting_arrested_by_a_policewoman/
%
Why did the blonde schoolgirl never try to go fishing?

She learned there's only two poles on earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838v7l/why_did_the_blonde_schoolgirl_never_try_to_go/
%
They say suicide is never the answer...

But what if the question is, "what is the leading cause of death for men in the military?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838qwa/they_say_suicide_is_never_the_answer/
%
Give me 5 shots of your strongest liquor.

A guy walks in to the bar
Guy: Give me 5 shots of your strongest liquor.
Bartender: 5 shots!? What are you celebrating? (pours 5 shots and lines them up)
Guy: My first blowjob (knocks down all 5 shots in a row)
Bartender: Wow, in that case, have a 6th on the house.
Guy: (holding up one hand) No thanks. If 5 shots can't get this taste out of my mouth, nothing will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838o6n/give_me_5_shots_of_your_strongest_liquor/
%
He was in ecstasy...

...with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838mrt/he_was_in_ecstasy/
%
What is better than winning a gold in the special olympics?

Not being in the special olympics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838mp0/what_is_better_than_winning_a_gold_in_the_special/
%
What's the difference between nymphomaniacs and Nintendo fans?

Nothing - they both lose their shit when they hear the word "smash".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838lv5/whats_the_difference_between_nymphomaniacs_and/
%
You must be single...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838jqy/you_must_be_single/
%
Retirees Having Fun

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went
into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing
out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on, man, how
about giving a senior citizen a break?"
...
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole"
. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out
tires. So my wife called him a "shit head." He finished the second ticket
and put it on the wind shield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just after the Officer left, our bus arrived. We got on it and went home.
In situations like that we always look for cars with "TRUMP 2016" stickers.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838if4/retirees_having_fun/
%
Late Night Traffic Stop

A man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers,
alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838gda/late_night_traffic_stop/
%
What is the strength of a magnetic field in space?

1 Tesla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838g10/what_is_the_strength_of_a_magnetic_field_in_space/
%
What becomes shorter if you add two letters?

short

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838etl/what_becomes_shorter_if_you_add_two_letters/
%
Why did the nonbinary prospector move west in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838d2x/why_did_the_nonbinary_prospector_move_west_in_1849/
%
A Nazi goes to a bar....

A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.
"Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."
Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amused, goes back to the bar
"Barkeep! I want to order a second round for everyone but him, and this time make it all top shelf".
Nazi looks again at the Jew, sees him STILL smiling back.
"Is that Jew an idiot or what?"
Bartender responds: "Oh no my friend, that's the owner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838bah/a_nazi_goes_to_a_bar/
%
If you're here for the yodelling lesson...

Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838am9/if_youre_here_for_the_yodelling_lesson/
%
[NSFW] A Doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and a class of 3rd graders are on a plane that's going down....

....The plane has 3 parachutes.
The doctor, ever the example of selflessness, says "Give the children the parachutes! They are the future!"
The lawyer looks over and responds "Fuck the children!"
The priest, looking from the lawyer to the kids, responds and yells to the lawyer "Is there enough time?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838aab/nsfw_a_doctor_a_lawyer_a_priest_and_a_class_of/
%
Hi, my name is Gregory.

Greg for short, Grego for medium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/838a0k/hi_my_name_is_gregory/
%
Why did the Italian Navy make their ships with glass bottoms?

So they could see the old Italian Navy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8389yo/why_did_the_italian_navy_make_their_ships_with/
%
My dog has been chasing people on a bike a lot.

It’s gotten so bad, I’ve had to take his bike away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8386d7/my_dog_has_been_chasing_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
If you see me in a restaurant and I am having a salad

I have been kidnapped and I am signaling you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83843e/if_you_see_me_in_a_restaurant_and_i_am_having_a/
%
Why did the two werewolves become friends?

Because they took a lycan to each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8383o6/why_did_the_two_werewolves_become_friends/
%
My teacher made a joke about premature babies

"too soon", I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83813x/my_teacher_made_a_joke_about_premature_babies/
%
The candle

It's two months away from the presidential election. Current president also running the presidency again, but he's already losing. One devoted supporter goes to a subway and asks the people to gather around him.
"I'm gonna tell you all a story" shouts the supporter. He continues, "Once upon a time there was a wealthy man with hundreds of thousands of gold, hundreds of acres of land and properties. He worked hard to earn that amount of wealth. But he was old, weak and dying. So he gave his three sons 100 golds for each and asked each one to bring something that fills the stall completely for that money. Only ones who will be able to bring something which fills the stall will inherit father's properties. First son brought cotton worth of 100 golds but no luck. Second son brought hay worth of 100 golds. No luck for him too. Third son, the wise one, brought a candle only for 2 golds and lit it. The light filled the stall completely and he inherited all of the father's properties, land and gold."
So the supporter continues, "Our president is like that third son. He is wise and smart. He always finds the best solutions to the problems. So he should be our president agai..." One person from the crowd interrupts and asks, "Hey, what happened to the remaining 98 gold?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83801n/the_candle/
%
I asked my wife what three things she finds most irritating.

She said, "well, I really dislike Sunday drivers. I'm not particularly keen on loud, abnoixious children. But mostly, I really hate it when I have to repeat myself!"
"Oh, yeah, absolutely!" I replied, "You can say that again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/837vev/i_asked_my_wife_what_three_things_she_finds_most/
%
What do you call it when your party healer accidentally heals the wrong person?

A clerical error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/837u9b/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_party_healer/
%
Bill Clinton gets a new receptionist

Bill Clinton gets a new, hot receptionist in the white house. She is setting up her desk when all of a sudden the intercom buzzes
Bill: "Hey baby, could you come in here for a second? I want to show you my new clock."
Secretary: "yes sir, ill be right there"
She opens the door and Bill is standing on his desk, swinging his dick around in a circle. She is completely caught off guard.
Secretary: "Mr. Clinton, that is not a clock!!"
Bill: "It will be if you put a face and two hands on it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/837u0b/bill_clinton_gets_a_new_receptionist/
%
You wanna know how to please a woman with only 3 inches?

You give her a credit card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/837rts/you_wanna_know_how_to_please_a_woman_with_only_3/
%
I was in a taxi today

And the driver said: “I love my job, I’m my own boss, nobody tells me what to do”. I then told him to turn left there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/837mhf/i_was_in_a_taxi_today/
%
Q.What do Skeletons say before eating? A: Bone Appetite.

Q.What do Skeletons say before eating?
A: Bone Appetite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/837jeq/qwhat_do_skeletons_say_before_eating_a_bone/
%
Two condoms are walking down the street, and stop in front of a gay bar...

...one condom turns to the other and asks, wanna get shitfaced?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/837j91/two_condoms_are_walking_down_the_street_and_stop/
%
Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
(Sorry!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/837hh7/why_does_hamburger_have_lower_energy_than_steak/
%
Want to hear an original joke?

Then why are you here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/837heu/want_to_hear_an_original_joke/
%
A child predator, a con-man, and a priest walk in to a bar...

The bartender says: “Hey Father John!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/837em9/a_child_predator_a_conman_and_a_priest_walk_in_to/
%
A reverend assembles the whole neighborhood for a meeting. After everyone has sat anxiously, he says "You are probably wondering what I'm going to be speaking on"

"Im going to be speaking on a stage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8379ua/a_reverend_assembles_the_whole_neighborhood_for_a/
%
They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/837830/they_have_just_announced_the_release_of_the_new/
%
how many potatoes does it take to kill an irish man?

none

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8375tz/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
%
A bar needs a new pianist, so the owner puts up a sign in the window. “Pianist wanted, apply within”.

A couple of hours later, a young man walks in, and says he is there to apply. The owner sits him down at the piano, and the man breaks out into the most beautiful song ever heard.
The owner immediately wants to hire him, and out of curiosity, asks him the name of the song.
“Well... it’s a bit embarrassing. It’s called, “I took the next door neighbours wife out into the garden, and screwed her brains out all night long”. “It helps me to remember the songs you see”.
The owner is a little taken back, and asks him to play another song.
The song is absolutely incredible, like angels are playing the piano. Again the owner asks the name of the song, and finds its called, “I love to watch the local shopkeeper bend his missus over the counter, and fuck her with a cucumber”
The owner shakes his head, and tells the man, “you’re hired, but please don’t tell anybody the names of the songs. I’ll see you on Saturday night for your first shift.”
Saturday rolls around, and the man walks in, sits down at the piano, and starts to play. Every key he presses is the wrong one, the song is awful and the crowd start murmuring. The owner pulls the man aside, and asks what the problem is.
“Well what it is, I’m really really nervous, and struggling, the only thing that will calm me down, is if I can go into the back room and masturbate, then I’ll be able to play perfectly again.
The owner shakes his head wondering what he has gotten himself into, but reluctantly agrees and ushers him into the back room. 10 minutes later, the man walks back out, and sits down. He starts to play the most beautiful piece of music, and the whole crowd are in awe. As he finishes the piece, a little old lady near the front, walks up the the stage and tells the man. “Do you know, your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and dripping cum all down your leg?”
“Know it!” Says the man.
“I wrote the fucker!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8375t7/a_bar_needs_a_new_pianist_so_the_owner_puts_up_a/
%
Do you think the ocean is salty cause the land never waves back?

I'd be salty too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8374v6/do_you_think_the_ocean_is_salty_cause_the_land/
%
The Dragonborn is pissed I won't teach him the first part of Unrelenting Force.

I don't see what all the fus is about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8370st/the_dragonborn_is_pissed_i_wont_teach_him_the/
%
My friends very sweet mom told this one...

A newly married couple is preparing to embark on their honeymoon to Jamaica. Before they leave, the husband decides to prove his undying love for his lovely new bride by getting her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. After he gets back from the tattoo shop he noticed that while the tattoo reads Wendy at length, while flaccid you can only see the first and last letter “Wy”
The couple arrives in Jamaica and wifey is excited to find a brochure for a nude beach very close by, so they agree to go check it out. The husband is a bit nervous about his new tattoo, but agrees that this is a great way to start their honeymoon.
Relaxing on the beach, the husband decides to go walk up to the tiki bar and get a drink. While he’s ordering he can’t help but notice the Jamaican bartender also has “Wy” on his penis! The husband leans in and quietly asks the bartender “excuse me, do you also have a wife named Wendy?”
The bartender, confused, has no idea what the husband is talking about, so the husband stretches out his penis so the bartender can see the full “Wendy”
The Jamaican bartender starts laughing, and as he stretches out his too, he says “nah mon, mine says ‘welcome to Jamaica have a nice day’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8370c9/my_friends_very_sweet_mom_told_this_one/
%
I'm a heroin addict...

I'll only sleep with women who save my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/836y6n/im_a_heroin_addict/
%
70,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 20 or 25 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 70,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 70,000 of you in one place and we have the worldwide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 40 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 70,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 70,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/836tzd/70000_blondes_meet_in_a_football_stadium_for_a/
%
Three women are on death-row in Utah and are about to be executed.

One is a brunette, one is a redhead and one is a blonde. Two guards bring the brunette forward and the executioner asks whether she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts "Ready, aim" and suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!". Everyone is startled and looks around and she manages to escape.
The angry guard then brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She too says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready,aim". The redhead screams "TORNADO!". Yet again everyone is startled and looks around, she too escapes the execution.
By this point the blonde has figured out what the others have done. The guards bring her forward, the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts,"Ready, aim". The blonde shouts "FIRE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/836r0d/three_women_are_on_deathrow_in_utah_and_are_about/
%
My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/836pdp/my_grandad_was_a_wwii_veteran_in_just_one_day/
%
I'm going to turn my lights off this Halloween and pretend I'm not in.

To hell with the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/836ojd/im_going_to_turn_my_lights_off_this_halloween_and/
%
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?

Acne waits till you hit puberty before coming on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/836o8f/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_catholic/
%
A guy wanks into a bar.

He sees two stunningly beautiful blondes and says,
"Hey, barman, two beers for the ladies."
One of the ladies turns to the guy and asks.
"I think you're wasting your time, sir. We're lesbians."
"What's that?" asks the guy.
"It means we only like to have sex with women" the girl responds.
To which the guy retorts: "Hey barman, three beers for us lesbians."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/836msy/a_guy_wanks_into_a_bar/
%
They say we should pay our taxes with a smile...

I tried, but they wanted cash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/836mbi/they_say_we_should_pay_our_taxes_with_a_smile/
%
The reason I check my hair and my general appearance so often, is because of this one bad day. I can't even say I remember it, but I am told my hair was a mess, I was covered with unspeakable fluids, had trouble breathing, couldn't even stand, and I cried in front of everyone.

I'm still trying to live down the day I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/836jim/the_reason_i_check_my_hair_and_my_general/
%
What's the best place to wait for some kool-aid?

The punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/836hqu/whats_the_best_place_to_wait_for_some_koolaid/
%
A Joke walks into r/Jokes

Again, and again, and again......
*^and ^again*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/836csy/a_joke_walks_into_rjokes/
%
Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8369y8/why_did_the_old_man_fall_in_the_well/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8369u1/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Who was the fatest knight at the round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8367ym/who_was_the_fatest_knight_at_the_round_table/
%
So a redditor walks into a bar

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."
"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.
"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I browse /r/jokes so I've heard them all over and over and over again".
Curious, the bartender pulls out his phone and browses /r/jokes for a few minutes.
"How about this?" he asks, "A man is driving through a remote forested area at night when his car breaks down next to an old monastery..."
"Heard it.", interrupts the redditor. "It's reposted every month."
The bartender apologies and starts scrolling on his phone for a few more minutes.
"Ooh, here we go, so why did the orangutan cross the road.. "
"Heard it!!", the redditor snaps. "that's reposted every week!"
The bartender is flustered but tries again, furiously browsing the subreddit. "Aha! This one is sure to impress.. What is Donald Trumps favorite nation? "
"No, no, no!!!", the redditor cries out. "That joke is reposted every day!"
"OK, OK, please give me one more try", the bartender pleads. He scrolls furiously through his phone. "Nope... nope... nope... YES!! This is a great one!"
"OK, lay it on me", the redditor asks eagerly.
"Here it is", the bartender replies. "So a redditor walks into a bar..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8364w5/so_a_redditor_walks_into_a_bar/
%
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83626p/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
%
I went to the zoo today and it only had one dog.

It was a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83620m/i_went_to_the_zoo_today_and_it_only_had_one_dog/
%
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/835zeg/i_was_walking_with_my_girlfriend_when_a_random/
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Why don’t blind people go skydiving?

Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/835x2p/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
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TIL that a school of piranhas...

... can completely strip the flesh of the bones of a small child in less than 20 seconds.
&nbsp;
Also today I was fired from the zoo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/835umt/til_that_a_school_of_piranhas/
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Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So they can Scandinavian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/835pur/why_does_the_norwegian_navy_have_barcodes_on_the/
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My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is...

...how to win her back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/835po1/my_wife_broke_up_with_me_yesterday_because_im_a/
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Three nuns are at a bus stop

A man walks up and flashes them.
The first two have a stroke, and the other can't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/835kum/three_nuns_are_at_a_bus_stop/
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A man wakes up and finds himself in a dark place.

Suddenly, the lights turn on. Closing his eyes because of the dazzling light, he then hears a voice:
-John, you were dead while sleeping and reincarnated into a duck. Now your job is to lay eggs...
Terrified, John tries to call for help but the only sounds escaping his mouth are "quack, quack."
He then feels a strange funny feeling in his stomach. Clenching his ducky butt, he pushes out something. He turns around to see what it was, and it was an egg! John has never felt anything better than that. He pushes and pushes and pushes until the room goes shaking violently. But John doesnt care. He keeps on pushing out eggs and satisfies himself with that feeling, until another voice starts calling his name:
-John...John!
-Amy, is that you? - John muttered in duck language.
-John wake the fuck up you shat all over the bed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/835jmi/a_man_wakes_up_and_finds_himself_in_a_dark_place/
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Yo mamma so old,

she has a separate entrance for black dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/835j9e/yo_mamma_so_old/
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I was shocked when the doctor said i had HIV in my ears.

Turns out i just need hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/835j06/i_was_shocked_when_the_doctor_said_i_had_hiv_in/
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I like being a pessimist

I'm either right, or pleasantly surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/835g9f/i_like_being_a_pessimist/
%
So, two wind turbines were standing next to each other

One asked the other, " what's your favourite type of music ? "
The first one replied, " well, I'm just a big metal fan "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/835c9g/so_two_wind_turbines_were_standing_next_to_each/
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The Cod Captain and His Seamen's Semen

Several centuries ago, Irish fishermen sought fortune fishing cod off the coast of Newfoundland. During the long cross-Atlantic journey, many captains worried about their men after so much time away from their wives.
One devoutly Catholic captain was especially concerned that his men might resort to homosexuality during their long voyages. To protect against this sin, he mandated that every sailor masturbate daily into one of several large, empty barrels.
After each trip, the captain took the barrels on his cart to the municipal dump. One day, as he made one of his regular trips, the local candlemaker greeted him from outside his shop.
"What ya got there, Captain?"
"Well," confessed the captain, "I've got three barrels full of seamen's semen." A bit embarrassed, he explained his reasoning to the candlemaker.
"I see," the candlemaker replied. He paused. "You know, I could make some find candles with all that semen."
"Really?!"
"Yes. In fact, I'll pay you for it!"
The captain was surprised but grateful for the added income. Soon, he began making his sailors masturbate twice each day, and the barrels of seamen's semen grew in number with each voyage. Then, he stopped fishing altogether. He simply took the men out to sea and had them fill as many barrels as they could.
Proud of his latest and record haul, the captain took three carts of seamen's semen to the candlemaker. Expecting his largest-ever payday, the captain was surprised to find the candlemaker sitting glumly on a stool.
"Captain," the candlemaker confessed, "I can no longer use your seamen's semen."
"What?!" replied the captain. "I didn't even fish this last expedition. This is my only haul."
"I'm sorry, Captain. I just...can't."
"Why the hell not?" the captain demanded.
"Well," the candlemaker confessed, "All the nuns keep getting pregnant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8358gk/the_cod_captain_and_his_seamens_semen/
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A man knocks on the door

Little Johnny opens it with a satin gown on a brandy in one hand and a cigar in the other.
The man asks “are your parents home?”
To which Johnny replies “does it fucking look like it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8357lj/a_man_knocks_on_the_door/
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My friend was taking the piss out of me today because I apparently don't understand what irony is.

Which is ironic because we were sat in a coffee shop at the time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8355nx/my_friend_was_taking_the_piss_out_of_me_today/
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834vtd/little_april_was_not_the_best_student_in_sunday/
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A married couple are having financial troubles

The wife decides to become a prostitute.
On her first day, she makes $200.50.
Her husband says " Which asshole gave you 50 cents?"
"All of them did"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834vgj/a_married_couple_are_having_financial_troubles/
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George Washington: "We should put 'We trust in God' on our money"

John Adams: "Brilliant idea! Did you get that?"
Yoda: *taking note* "Yep"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834rq5/george_washington_we_should_put_we_trust_in_god/
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Two men are stranded on an island

One day one of them smells bacon. He tells the other it must be a bacon tree.
The second man tells him no such thing exists, so the first man goes on a journey to find it and prove him wrong.
Days later, he arrives back to the same spot on the island bruised, with an arrow in his chest, bullet wounds, and is just completely battered.
The second man is baffled: "What the hell happened to you?!"
"It wasn't a bacon tree...it was a ham-bush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834rnf/two_men_are_stranded_on_an_island/
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A beautiful blonde strode angrily into the large store,

A beautiful blonde strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are meant for 'cats'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834r5f/a_beautiful_blonde_strode_angrily_into_the_large/
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Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend.

Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834oxd/outside_of_a_dog_a_book_is_a_mans_best_friend/
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What's the best thing about fingering a psychic on her period?

You get your palm red for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834o1u/whats_the_best_thing_about_fingering_a_psychic_on/
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I have to ask myself, is my wife unsatisfied?

a tiny part of me says yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834mys/i_have_to_ask_myself_is_my_wife_unsatisfied/
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I'm struggling to quit my masturbation addiction

On one hand, there is my wife that I care about who is worried about me wasting time and being unmotivated
On the other hand, there is my weiner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834lt1/im_struggling_to_quit_my_masturbation_addiction/
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What is Vladimir Putin's favorite instrument to play?

A Trumpet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834lms/what_is_vladimir_putins_favorite_instrument_to/
%
A hideously ugly man with a parrot on his shoulder walk into a bar...

The bartender asks "does the animal speak?"
The parrot replies "I don't know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834iae/a_hideously_ugly_man_with_a_parrot_on_his/
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A really dirty joke.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834i92/a_really_dirty_joke/
%
Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834g44/two_factory_workers_are_talking/
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Frank, British war veteran and quadriplegic, was a raging alcoholic.

When he was sober, Frank was a mean bad ass mother fucker, that no-one dare cross.
But when Frank was legless he was 'armless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834g2f/frank_british_war_veteran_and_quadriplegic_was_a/
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A programmer got stuck in the shower because...

The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834c5r/a_programmer_got_stuck_in_the_shower_because/
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What do you call two men fighting over a slut?

Tug-of-whore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/834an9/what_do_you_call_two_men_fighting_over_a_slut/
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If someone cloned me without my permission and then sat that clone down right next to me, do you know how angry I would be?

I would be beside myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83482o/if_someone_cloned_me_without_my_permission_and/
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Why will Congress never impeach Trump?

Republicans insist on carrying a baby to full term, even if it was a drastic accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8347ek/why_will_congress_never_impeach_trump/
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Finally unsubscribed from r/nostalgia

The posts there just aren't what they used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83465p/finally_unsubscribed_from_rnostalgia/
%
So my blonde, Hungarian girlfriend goes to the doctors office...

The doctor ask what’s wrong and my Hungarian girlfriend replies and says since she’s waken her stomach had been hurting.
The doctor then ask if shes eaten anything that she thinks might have upset her stomach.
My girlfriend says no, she hasn’t eaten anything out of the ordinary.
The doctor says “ok so what have you eaten today so far, just so I have an idea of what might be wrong “.
My girlfriend says that she hasn’t eaten anything.
The doctor with a curious look on his face says “well tell me, has your stomach also been making noises”?
“Yes!” My girlfriend exclaimed as her face lit up with joy, thinking the doctor knows whats wrong.
The doctor them pulls out a prescription paper and writes on it and hands it to her.
She reads it out loud.
“IHOP?”
“Yeah” the doctor replied. “You’re just HUNGARY”
Ps. You knew where it was going the whole time but you kept reading... I appreciate you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8344er/so_my_blonde_hungarian_girlfriend_goes_to_the/
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What did Hitler name the Gas planet he discovered during World War 2.

Jewpiter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8342os/what_did_hitler_name_the_gas_planet_he_discovered/
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Scott Baio is Boycotting Dick's Sporting Goods Because of the Ban on AR-15s

Dick's had to find a cashier to replace him on short notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8341z3/scott_baio_is_boycotting_dicks_sporting_goods/
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Thomas Young had a threesome...

he called it the Double Clit Experiment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8341gr/thomas_young_had_a_threesome/
%
I like to help blind children.

The verb, not the adjective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8340vx/i_like_to_help_blind_children/
%
Righty tighty, lefty loosey

Is what I'm hoping is true whenever I use Tinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83401b/righty_tighty_lefty_loosey/
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Treyarch has to release BO4 as Roman numeral IV in Afghanistan

Because in Afghanistan they have Tallyban

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/833zkt/treyarch_has_to_release_bo4_as_roman_numeral_iv/
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Someone donates one kidney and is hailed as a hero.

I donate five, and get arrested?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/833wk6/someone_donates_one_kidney_and_is_hailed_as_a_hero/
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What do you call a Mexican that is only 4’6”?

Paragraph. He is too short to be an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/833w8e/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_that_is_only_46/
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The police asked me where I was between 4 and 5

I said "Kindergarten"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/833tbq/the_police_asked_me_where_i_was_between_4_and_5/
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George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie.

George Clooney said "I'll direct"
Dicaprio said "I'll produce"
and Matthew McConaughey said "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/833ss0/george_clooney_leonardo_dicaprio_and_matthew/
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I've never picked up a hitchhiker

but not for lack of trying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/833kj3/ive_never_picked_up_a_hitchhiker/
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I googled what a Rorschach test was

But all I found were pictures of my parents fighting. Weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/833k1j/i_googled_what_a_rorschach_test_was/
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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/833hq0/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
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If women are as good as men...

How come they haven’t successfully oppressed an entire gender?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/833fns/if_women_are_as_good_as_men/
%
Old but good joke...

Why did the blind man run into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
(My future children are gonna love me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/833dh7/old_but_good_joke/
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Why did the vagina unfriend the hermaphroditic genitalia?

It was kind of a dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/833cuo/why_did_the_vagina_unfriend_the_hermaphroditic/
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Been chatting with this 14 year old girl on tinder. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop...

I hate matching with my employees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/833aem/been_chatting_with_this_14_year_old_girl_on/
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What’s something a guy will eat on pizza that he won’t eat on pussy?

The crust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83372g/whats_something_a_guy_will_eat_on_pizza_that_he/
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'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8332xf/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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if you thoroughly examine someones butthole, is it called...

...analyzation?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8332c8/if_you_thoroughly_examine_someones_butthole_is_it/
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What happened after the bird of prey ate it’s child?

It was filled with egret.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/832xjy/what_happened_after_the_bird_of_prey_ate_its_child/
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A guy walks through a Pakistani village

He sees a man dusting off a carpet from his shop and asks "What's the matter, it won't start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/832x2m/a_guy_walks_through_a_pakistani_village/
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Did you hear about the parents that auctioned off the right to name their firstborn child?

They were expecting after trying to get pregnant for a long time. But when they tried to discuss what they should name the child, it was causing all kinds of arguments. They just couldn’t come to an agreement and there was a lot of tension between them. It got to the point where the wife was staying over at her parents' house every other evening.
About a month after the arguing started, the husband gets an idea. He immediately calls his wife to tell her. “Honey, I know this sounds crazy, but just hear me out for a second. What if we had an auction and sold the right to name our kid to the highest bidder?” She is hesitant at first, but, knowing they would never come to an agreement, she decides that this is actually a great solution.
They decided to go through with it. The husband has some experience coding and whips up a simple webpage where you can bid on this auction. If you win, you’ll have the right to name their kid, as long as it isn’t anything obscene. A local news station picks up the story and they become pretty well known locally.
So, it’s 8½ months into the pregnancy. The baby has been developing healthily and the auction is about to come to an end. When bidding finally closes, the winning bid is actually from a lip balm company named “Butter Lips.” The kid's full name is going to end up being “Butter Lips Bradley.”
It was finally time to deliver the baby. Labor went well, ending just under six hours. Two days later, they’re all rested up and ready to be released and head home. They wrap up the kid and drive back home from the hospital.
When they get home, they go to unwrap the baby, and, to the shock of all involved, it’s not their kid! “Man,” they said, “I can’t believe it’s not Butter!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/832vwt/did_you_hear_about_the_parents_that_auctioned_off/
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I went to a Zoo it only had 1 animal

It was a a dog... It was a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/832vjb/i_went_to_a_zoo_it_only_had_1_animal/
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Well.

It’s a deep subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/832sby/well/
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A man dies and goes to heaven...

As he stands in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him.
"What are those clocks for?" He asks.
"Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move forward." St. Peter responded.
"Oh," the man replied, looking at a clock set at midnight, he asks, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's George Washington's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he has never told a lie." Replied St. Peter.
Pointing to another clock, St. Peter continues, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe has told two lies in his lifetime."
"Where's Trump's clock?" The man asks.
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it for a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/832p4n/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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I kind of feel bad for Amy Schumer over people calling her unfunny.

I mean can you imagine being so bad at comedy that you have to steal *shitty* jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/832msy/i_kind_of_feel_bad_for_amy_schumer_over_people/
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An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man asks him,“What's wrong?”
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus," the man says.
“Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”
The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on me mind at the moment..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/832mdr/an_irish_boy_stands_crying_at_the_side_of_the_road/
%
What are cows made out of?

Moolecules

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/832jhv/what_are_cows_made_out_of/
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My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have sex.

He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/832gxn/my_wife_recently_gave_birth_to_our_first_child/
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Four Friends

Four friends have been doing really well in their algebra class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning.
As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over. They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help." The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing. The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in algebra, and all four finish it within ten minutes. When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:
Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/832dyz/four_friends/
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They said if you put a million monkeys on typewriters they'd eventually bang out a work of art.

Well, I've been reading the YouTube comment section for years and haven't seen a single line of Shakespeare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8327zi/they_said_if_you_put_a_million_monkeys_on/
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A man is on a walk with his dog at the park

Suddenly, his dog runs towards a glowing object on the floor. Before the man can stop him, the dog has swallowed the object. A flash of blinding white light temporarily blinds the man, and when he looks back he is amazed to see his dog say "Hello!" to him.
"You can talk?" the man asks.
"I can now. You see, that was a magical orb sent from space that grants animals the ability to talk like humans. Follow me, there is much I want to tell you about the way us dogs live our lives."
Utterly bemused, the man decides to follow his dog. They walk into a nearby woodland area, when the dog stops by a sign and pisses on the ground beside it. "This is a piss post." he explains. "Whenever we dogs see a piss post, we have to stop and wee against it."
Later on, the dog walks past another sign, the bottom of which is covered by overgrown grass. Grunting can be heard from within the grass. "This is the love post, where dogs go to... you know" explains the dog before quickly moving on.
They carry on walking through the woods, finding many more posts as they go, such as the food post, where campers in the wood would leave their leftovers for dogs to eat, the rabbit post, where the dogs could chase rabbits away from, and the sleeping post where dogs could rest in a quiet area in the woods.
Finally, they arrived at a clearing, where the man saw a hundred foot pole shooting into the sky. Adorned on the pole were beautiful drawings, and flowers and fruit grew on the vines coming off it. At the base of the pole however, there was a large pile of dog turds.
"What is this?" the man asked in wonder, to which the dog replied:
"This is a long and elaborate shit post"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8326ya/a_man_is_on_a_walk_with_his_dog_at_the_park/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it’s a groan-up from the last one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8323gx/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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What do you say when a stirring utensil is doing something unsafe?

Hey that's whisky behavior

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8321n2/what_do_you_say_when_a_stirring_utensil_is_doing/
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Did you hear about the guy who fucked his car's tailpipe for 3 hours straight?

He was exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/831vae/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_fucked_his_cars/
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My bit coin game is as good as my pull out game...

5 kids later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/831uvn/my_bit_coin_game_is_as_good_as_my_pull_out_game/
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How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/831sb6/how_many_animals_can_you_get_into_a_pair_of_tights/
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A man walks into a gym

He walks up to the owner and says, “Hey! What are all these lines for?
The owner replies, “Oh, these are the lines to the different activities”
“That’s the kick line, that’s the weightlifting line, that’s the squat line, that’s the-“
The owner paused, looking worried.
The mans says, “what’s wrong?”
The owner slowly looks at him and yells, “We forgot the punchline!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/831oep/a_man_walks_into_a_gym/
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What do you get when you put hydrogen into the air?

Hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/831miw/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_hydrogen_into_the_air/
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Want to hear a joke about Amnesia?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/831hy3/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_amnesia/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/831ftv/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Whats the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

A hooker wont keep fucking you after you're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/831e5n/whats_the_difference_between_a_lawyer_and_a_hooker/
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My friend David has lost his ID.

We now call him Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/831afu/my_friend_david_has_lost_his_id/
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Many Chinese restaurants have names like, Golden Palace, Golden Lotus, Golden Dragon...

But mine is named after my favourite dish, Golden Retriever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8317y4/many_chinese_restaurants_have_names_like_golden/
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The only good joke I know, and it's about blind people

Two guys are walking their dogs and come across a bar. One of them smiles. "shit yeah, let's get wasted!" he says. The other guy isn't sure. "I dunno, man. I don't want to leave my dog outside around these parts." "Dude, relax. Just follow my lead."
The first guy puts on some sunglasses, then goes up to the bouncer, and tries to get in. "Whoa, whoa, buddy. No dogs allowed." The bouncer says. "I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." the first man says. The bouncer, embarrassed, lets the first guy in with the dog.
Emboldened, the second guy puts on some sunglasses and goes up. "Hey, buddy, no dogs allowed." The bouncer says again. "I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The second man says. The bouncer looks skeptical. "Sir... that's a chihuahua."
The second guy pauses for a second, then screams, "A CHIHUAHUA?! THEY GAVE ME A FUCKING CHIHUAHUA?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8315bf/the_only_good_joke_i_know_and_its_about_blind/
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I was on a date and my girl asked me to tell her something sweet.

I said "Candy."
She said "No, I mean, something I'd like."
"Shoes."
"Noooo, something sexy."
"Your sister."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/83152d/i_was_on_a_date_and_my_girl_asked_me_to_tell_her/
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Why don't vegans take risks?

Because their life could be at steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/830ve5/why_dont_vegans_take_risks/
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What do you call a suicidal soviet?

A commie-kazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/830u01/what_do_you_call_a_suicidal_soviet/
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A lawyer joke

**A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/830rw4/a_lawyer_joke/
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My body is a temple of the LORD

Only the high priest is allowed to come inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/830rmg/my_body_is_a_temple_of_the_lord/
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How did Keemstar kill himself?

He got right into the noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/830me0/how_did_keemstar_kill_himself/
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This guy came up to me in the gym.

He said, hey...what's your secret?
I said, I poo with the door open

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/830h09/this_guy_came_up_to_me_in_the_gym/
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I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'...

Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/830ccl/i_got_a_new_pair_of_gloves_today_but_theyre_both/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on.
After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8305ov/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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They say a Queue is just a Q, followed by four silent letters

but really they are just waiting their turns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8302th/they_say_a_queue_is_just_a_q_followed_by_four/
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A vulture goes to the airport and the agent says, Do you have any bags to check?

The vulture says: No, just this carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82zzwu/a_vulture_goes_to_the_airport_and_the_agent_says/
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My wife always starts conversations

with, " are you listening to me?" Such a strange way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82zxdh/my_wife_always_starts_conversations/
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School Versus Home

At school, you sit on your ass for 6-8 hours and are praised for it.
At home, you sit down for 3 minutes and you are defined as lazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82zus7/school_versus_home/
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Dad walk into his sons room...

So a Dad walks into his sons room and says "Son, If you don't stop masturbating you're gonna go blind."
The son looks up and says "Dad, I'm over here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82zstw/dad_walk_into_his_sons_room/
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Why didn’t the mathematician drink at the party?

Because you can’t drink and derive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82zpfp/why_didnt_the_mathematician_drink_at_the_party/
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Nike has come out with a bra that aids virgin boys.

Just Undo It.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82zni7/nike_has_come_out_with_a_bra_that_aids_virgin_boys/
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It's International Women's Day today. I guess I should make some sort of sexist joke.

I'll have to simplify it for the women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82zmln/its_international_womens_day_today_i_guess_i/
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Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82zjf7/teacher_anyone_who_thinks_hes_stupid_may_stand_up/
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I'm an ex alcoholic.

I get drunk thinking about my ex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82zi7g/im_an_ex_alcoholic/
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Why are they making so many Fast & Furious films?

So they can make “Fast10 Your Seatbelts”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82zbxj/why_are_they_making_so_many_fast_furious_films/
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A stupid person buys a lottery ticket for $1

To his delight, he won a million dollars. Going forward to claim his prize, he was informed that he will be paid in $1000 instalments. Appalled and shocked, he shouted to the register, “give me my million dollars or give me my $1 back”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82z9l3/a_stupid_person_buys_a_lottery_ticket_for_1/
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I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt.

But then it clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82z3j9/i_couldnt_work_out_how_to_fasten_my_seatbelt/
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An elderly woman called 911...

An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"
The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.
Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch.
"Disregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82yz9f/an_elderly_woman_called_911/
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Why do drones get so many pictures of mermaids?

They're Ariel photographers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82yyj5/why_do_drones_get_so_many_pictures_of_mermaids/
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I asked my wife if I should watch football or porn.

She told me to watch porn because I already know how to play football.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82yy5f/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_should_watch_football_or_porn/
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I always impress my landlord with my water bill

Every month he messages me and says it’s ‘outstanding’ and I always message him back, ‘thanks!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82yy5b/i_always_impress_my_landlord_with_my_water_bill/
%
I saw a lady crying at the supermarket today because she had lost her money and couldn't buy diapers that she wanted to buy.

I felt so bad that I bought them for her, but it's fine because I found a 100 dollar bill at the parking lot anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82yvzy/i_saw_a_lady_crying_at_the_supermarket_today/
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After a busy day, when we get into bed we become bicycles.

Too tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82yuf4/after_a_busy_day_when_we_get_into_bed_we_become/
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I had a dream last night that I was swimming through an ocean of orange soda...

...it was a Fanta Sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ytl7/i_had_a_dream_last_night_that_i_was_swimming/
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A dung beetle walks into a bar.

Is this stool taken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ypnj/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar/
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I know a joke that took 2 hours to make up.

Finally, my wife's ready to go out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82yl8s/i_know_a_joke_that_took_2_hours_to_make_up/
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What do you call a belt made of watches?

A waist of time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82yjmi/what_do_you_call_a_belt_made_of_watches/
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Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82yens/been_chatting_with_this_14_year_old_girl_real/
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A Cajun, an LSU Tiger, and the mob (long)

Down in Atchafalaya Basin, Louisiana, the sheriff was hearing rumblings of dog fighting.  He couldn't figure out what was going on because by the time he got a tip and made his ways through the swamps, everyone was gone.  He decided to deputize a few good ol' boys to figure out the powers at work here.
A week later, they came back and said that there were three powers at work: a Cajun, an LSU Tiger football player, and the Italian mob.
Sheriff: Why do you think a Cajun is involved?
Good ol' boys: Well, someone was dumb enough to enter a duck into the dog fight
Sheriff: (nodding) ok, but how do you know there is an LSU football player?
Good ol' boys: Well, someone was dumb enough to bet on the duck
Sheriff: (intrigued) I get those, but where do you get the Italian mob in these parts of the swamps?
Good ol' boys: The damn duck won

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ydja/a_cajun_an_lsu_tiger_and_the_mob_long/
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There are only two rules in achieving success.

1. Never tell everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82yaf4/there_are_only_two_rules_in_achieving_success/
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A person who illegally exports sheep is called an owler

Unless you are from Wales, then you are a sex trafficker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82y10d/a_person_who_illegally_exports_sheep_is_called_an/
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International Women’s Day!

Today is International Women's Day... It was actually suppose to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82xz9a/international_womens_day/
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I broke my finger today

But on the other hand I'm fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82xz5w/i_broke_my_finger_today/
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I've got a parachute for sale. Never been used. Cheap.

No strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82xv7r/ive_got_a_parachute_for_sale_never_been_used_cheap/
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If Hell is customized to be the worst possible experience for each individual....

Then I guess I’ll never die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82xv4z/if_hell_is_customized_to_be_the_worst_possible/
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What do you call a snake thats exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82xs55/what_do_you_call_a_snake_thats_exactly_314_meters/
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I used to be in a band called The Prevention

We hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82xqup/i_used_to_be_in_a_band_called_the_prevention/
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My teacher frowned at me when I handed in my trigonometry test paper

I don't think that's a good sine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82xqk2/my_teacher_frowned_at_me_when_i_handed_in_my/
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A housewife meets her lover during the day

& She was not aware her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. When her husband came home unexpectedly, her lover hid in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “£50.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy & the mom’s
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy:“I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No thanks.”
Boy: “I’ll tell.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “£150.”
Man: “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside & toss the baseball!”
The boy says “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says “£200.”
The father says “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost.
I’m going to take you to church & make you confess.”
They go to church & the Dad alerts the priest & makes the little boy sit in the confession booth & closes the door.
The boy says “Dark in here.”
The priest says “Don’t start that again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82xku3/a_housewife_meets_her_lover_during_the_day/
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When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully

Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"
Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."
Me: "Police identify yourself"
Trooper: "State Police"
Me: "Police"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82xh0o/when_interacting_with_police_follow_their/
%
The Clown Collage was on fire yesterday

People for miles around complained of funny smells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82xdaw/the_clown_collage_was_on_fire_yesterday/
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My friends Scott and Ruth broke up after a long-term relationship.

He's now ruthless and she got off, scott free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82x9z0/my_friends_scott_and_ruth_broke_up_after_a/
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What's blue and does not weight much?

Light blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82x9xp/whats_blue_and_does_not_weight_much/
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Why was the weatherman’s date disappointed?

She was promised 10 inches but got only 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82x79j/why_was_the_weathermans_date_disappointed/
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What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth

?
A slow swimmer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82x6sw/what_do_you_call_the_soft_tissue_between_a_sharks/
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I hope I never go to jail.

I haven’t memorised a phone number since 1999.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82x669/i_hope_i_never_go_to_jail/
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Duck a Fuck

There was a man who had three sons. He gave each of them a duck and told them to go out and sell their duck for as much as possible.
The first son went out and sold his duck for $5,
went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.
The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.
The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said "Ok". They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again.The boy agreed.
While they were having sex again, the duck got
loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said "I'm so sorry I killed your duck. I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it.
When the third son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made. He said "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty
bucks for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82x53i/duck_a_fuck/
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I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82x3vh/i_went_to_the_zoo_yesterday_and_saw_a_baguette_in/
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My parents always say honesty is the best policy. So I told my my mum I was going clubbing with friends last night.

I don’t get why she’s so upset with me, we only bludgeoned the one guy before the cops came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82x2rs/my_parents_always_say_honesty_is_the_best_policy/
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Golfers

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82x122/golfers/
%
What's the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and an English degree?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82wyp1/whats_the_difference_between_a_large_pepperoni/
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Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!

Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82wycn/wow_honey_i_never_thought_our_son_would_go_that/
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My boyfriend and I met on the internet!

My boyfriend and I met on the internet. My mother asked him what line he used on me and my boyfriend replied, “I just used a modem.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82wv84/my_boyfriend_and_i_met_on_the_internet/
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What was the name of the infamous Russian prostitute?

Onya.
Onya Backyabitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82wtxl/what_was_the_name_of_the_infamous_russian/
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Naked old men in locker rooms...

I was going to make a joke about this, but it's such low hanging fruit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82wrh5/naked_old_men_in_locker_rooms/
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A teacher enters a class room for the first time.

he notices that two of the guys sitting together looks similar to each other.The teacher curiously asks them
Teacher :Are you guys twins?
Guys:No sir, we are neighbors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82wr1l/a_teacher_enters_a_class_room_for_the_first_time/
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What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82wqih/what_has_one_finger_and_is_very_demanding/
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Three friends: two straight guys, and a gay guy - and their respective partners are on a cruise.

A tidal wave then came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned.
Next thing you know, they’re standing before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
First up came one of the straight guys and his wife.
St Peter shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, I cannot let you in. You were too greedy. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”
Up next was the second straight guy and his wife. “I’m sorry, for I cannot let you in either. You were also gluttonous. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”
At this, the gay guy gulped and turned to his boyfriend, whispering nervously, “This doesn’t look good, Dick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82wojt/three_friends_two_straight_guys_and_a_gay_guy_and/
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My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She kicked over the table, stormed out of the room and shouted that she’s never...

...playing Scrabble with me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82wo7l/my_wife_found_out_i_was_cheating_on_her_after_she/
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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on the VIP rope seemingly ready to grant entry into the vast bounty that is heaven.
The first man, standing in front of Peter looks him in the eye and says “How do I get into this party?”
Peter answers him dead pan “One question. I know you were married, just like the next two candidates behind you. So why don’t you tell me, did you ever cheat on your wife?”
The man shifts on his heels and rocks back and forth for a few seconds then realizes that no answer he gives will be accepted unless he tells the truth, and that this is his only opportunity to tell his story.
“I was on the road most of my life. For 40 years I traveled the country selling vacuums and while the life sucked I tried very hard to stay virtuous. In all my time there was only one time where I was tempted and I must admit temptation got the better of me and forever since then have I felt the sting of remorse because I lay with another woman and betrayed the trust and promise I made to my wife when we married.”
Peter sighed, lifted the rope and allowed the man access into heaven. “Without this moment of indiscretion you have lived a pure, simple life and for that I am going to give you a Ford Pinto. It has 1,000,000 miles on the clock, has a broken tail light, but otherwise runs ok.”
The unfortunate cheater took his car into the majestic realms of the afterlife knowing this was his burden to hold for now until eternity.
Meanwhile candidate number two is standing next to Peter with a glint in his eye and asks if he is able to be given the same ultimatum.
Peter agrees and asks “How about you Marvin? Did you ever cheat on your wife?”
“No”, exclaims Marvin. “I was on the road a lot like the last guy. I listened in your conversation and while I was away a lot traveling I was always able to trust myself and my wife.”
“Hmm. Actually Marvin, as I have seen it, the truth is you were tempted on one trip away from home. You were offered a night of passion with a blond woman who approached you in the hotel bar and you walked with her to your room before you chickened out and skulked into your room alone, leaving her stranded in the hallway. So as I see it you were ready to cheat and therefore by default  you did. My judgement is you have a 2 year old hybrid electric Prius with 30,000km on the clock. “
Marvin idles in his used vehicle feeling the gravity of his choices before switching gears and pulling away gently and driving into the sunset, with hidden but rapidly surfacing regret in his reflection staring back from the rear view mirror.
Bryon is the last of the three to find Peter asking the same simple ruse, “Did you cheat on your wife?”
Bryon looks Peter full into his eyes, tips his head back and laughs. Understanding that his transition into heaven can only be one filled with joy and celebration he joyfully motions Peter to listen closely, fixating on reminding him of the one universal life altering question previously posed to his predecessors.
“You asked both those guys if they had cheated on their wives. I have never done this, not pursued any woman out of marriage, not so much as looked in another woman’s direction out of curiosity or lust. How do you answer that Peter?”
The gate keeper gazes keenly upon him and repeats his primary question.
“Did you ever cheat on your wife?”, he ventured.
“Never!!! I never considered it for a moment, because I always knew the bond with my wife was inseparable and our trust was the bond pulling us together every day to eternity. Mine was a love both pure and glorious. Ours was a love eternal.”
Peter pulls his hand upwards and reveals the key to a new Bugatti Veyron. The clock has -20 miles on it and the seats are still covered in the plastic wrap with the new car smell permanently impregnated into the fabric of the vehicle. Our hero starts the motor, and it purrs into life with a triumphant growl. He slips into gear and disappears into the ether.
Two weeks later, and by the coincidence gifted those in a celestial dwelling, all three men arrive at a four way crossing in their allocated vehicles. Putting their surprise aside both of these men with their Prius and Pinto find their most righteous brother sitting on the hood of his Bugatti, tears flowing freely from his face.
“I was fine for days, so happy knowing that I was one of the purest men in this place. That all changed yesterday when I saw my wife on a skateboard “.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82wnt0/heaven_is_a_big_place/
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I'm in a band called Tiptoe.

You probably haven't heard us before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82wnqm/im_in_a_band_called_tiptoe/
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The only b-word you should call a woman is beautiful.

Bitches love being* called beautiful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82wg4j/the_only_bword_you_should_call_a_woman_is/
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On the back of a pack of condoms it said: "Keep away from children."

So now I have to get her the morning after pill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82wemm/on_the_back_of_a_pack_of_condoms_it_said_keep/
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What's the difference between a piano and a child

Fingering A minor won't get me jailed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82wao1/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_and_a_child/
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An American Tourist

An American tourist was driving through the South Island of New Zealand when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a sheep. Shocked, he kept on driving.
A few kilometers further on he came upon a small town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.
He grabbed a cold beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around the bar. He immediately noticed a one-legged guy sitting over at a corner table, masturbating without a care in the world.
The American tourist turned to the bartender and said, “What sort of country is this? A few kilometers back down the road there was this guy having sex with a sheep and now that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone.”
The bartender said, "You heartless bastard. He's only got one leg. How do you expect him to catch a sheep?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82w9z3/an_american_tourist/
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Beware Dangerous Dog!

On the door of the general store, a customer noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! He carefully entered the store, but once inside all he saw was a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
The stranger could not help but be amused. “That certainly does not look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82w9qc/beware_dangerous_dog/
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What does a ninety eight year old cock taste like?

... depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82w4dn/what_does_a_ninety_eight_year_old_cock_taste_like/
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A nun is standing outside a pub...

...and a man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work bevy. The nun immediately points at him, and intones:
"Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!"
The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless 'em. They're dead, in heaven."
"Well," says the nun, "Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!"
"What? What are you talking about?" the man asks. "Have you ever had a drink?" The nun says she has not. "Then how can you talk to me about alcohol? I'll tell you what I'll do," he continues, "I'll buy you a drink, and after you've drunk it, then you can talk to me about alcohol. What'll you have?"
"I don't know," says the nun. "What do ladies usually drink?"
"Gin," he replies.
"Oh, alright," she says. "But - but can you put it in a cup, so nobody notices." The man nods and walks into the bar, calling out to the bartender.
"Bartender! I'll have a beer, and a double gin in a cup!"
"It's that bloody nun outside again, isn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82w4df/a_nun_is_standing_outside_a_pub/
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Burglars are getting smarter and smarter ...

My wife woke me up the other day and said "darling, I think there's a burglar downstairs, can you go and check?" So I go downstairs and look in every room, and there was no burglar to be seen. Then I realised,..
I don't have a wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82w48h/burglars_are_getting_smarter_and_smarter/
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Three cats live at the football stadium

It was lean pickings one winter but eventually they managed to catch a mouse and are discussing how they will divide it up.
The first cat says "as we live at the football stadium let's divide it by team. I support Liverpool so I will eat it's Liver
"Great idea" says the second cat "I support Hartlepool. I will eat the heart
The third cat says "I support Arsenal, I'm not that hungry thanks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82w2ym/three_cats_live_at_the_football_stadium/
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What's a 90's girl favorite drink?

It's like so duh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82vziq/whats_a_90s_girl_favorite_drink/
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What mushrooms are easiest to move around?

***Portabell***os

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82vyka/what_mushrooms_are_easiest_to_move_around/
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If two vegans get into a fight...

is it still called "beef"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82vsjm/if_two_vegans_get_into_a_fight/
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My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!
She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.
It was a good time.
-
-
-
Edit 2: Thanks to all people pointing out the mistake I made with the joke, I corrected it after I read your comments!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82vs07/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_carry_around_a_gun_in_the/
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I just checked my BMI and found out...

I’m dangerously under tall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82vpip/i_just_checked_my_bmi_and_found_out/
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My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"

But my fiancee had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82vp04/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
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Since it's Women's day my girlfriend wanted sex to be magical tonight

So I disappeared in the morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82vjn8/since_its_womens_day_my_girlfriend_wanted_sex_to/
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So a man walks into a bar and sees a guy with 6 beers sitting at the bar

So he walks over to the bar and casually asked the guy "6 beers?! What's the occasion?"
The guy glances up and says "celebrating my first blowjob."
The man gets excited and says "Congratulations! Lemme buy you another one for the occasion!"
The guy replied, "No thanks, if 6 beers won't get that taste out of my mouth then the 7th one won't either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82vdpy/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_guy_with_6/
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After Hitler passed away, who took care of his pets?

The veteran-aryans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82vd3l/after_hitler_passed_away_who_took_care_of_his_pets/
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Every “yo mamma” joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Just like yo momma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82v3n4/every_yo_mamma_joke_has_been_done_thousands_of/
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Do you want to hear me count from one to one hundred?

One... Two... One Hundred!
My four year old just made this up as I was putting him to bed.  I know it's a terrible pun...  takes after his old man, I suppose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82v3dv/do_you_want_to_hear_me_count_from_one_to_one/
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A police officer pulls a miner over

Cop: Whose car is this?
Where are you going?
What do you do for a living?
Miner: Mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82uzul/a_police_officer_pulls_a_miner_over/
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My teacher asked me to submit a 1,000 word essay, but I couldn’t be bothered...

So I handed in a picture instead...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ur8r/my_teacher_asked_me_to_submit_a_1000_word_essay/
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Why did the heavyset mermaid wear a turtleneck?

So you wouldn't sea urchins!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ulz3/why_did_the_heavyset_mermaid_wear_a_turtleneck/
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100 women walk into heaven

God greeted them and then said:
-If you’ve ever looked at your boyfriend’s phone without his knowledge to see if he was talking to other women, take 5 steps forward
Ninety-nine of the women take the five steps forward, God then says
-Someone please get the deaf girl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ulj0/100_women_walk_into_heaven/
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What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated but I have more degrees!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82uk7v/what_did_the_thermometer_say_to_the_graduated/
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A rabbit and a bear are taking a shit in the woods....

A rabbit and a bear are taking a shit in the woods. Mid-shit, the bear asks the rabbit, "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says no. Then the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82udza/a_rabbit_and_a_bear_are_taking_a_shit_in_the_woods/
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How does a skeleton pay for things?

With CRYPTocurrency

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ud3d/how_does_a_skeleton_pay_for_things/
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What would call an organization formed by atheists

A non-prophet organization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82u8kx/what_would_call_an_organization_formed_by_atheists/
%
Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dumped a load in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82u6xc/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan?

You take away its tiny little broom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82u5l6/how_do_you_stop_canadian_bacon_from_curling_in/
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Why are there no school shootings in Afghanistan?

America already bombed the schools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82u4d6/why_are_there_no_school_shootings_in_afghanistan/
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In an emergency, why do we evacuate women and children first?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82u31d/in_an_emergency_why_do_we_evacuate_women_and/
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Eyelashes are supposed to help keep things out of your eyes

Yet, when I usually get something in my eye it’s an eyelash.
How eyeronic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82u1v9/eyelashes_are_supposed_to_help_keep_things_out_of/
%
Lost my job.

Today I lost my job at the bank, a woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82u1fn/lost_my_job/
%
In my spare time I help blind children.

Verb, not adjective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82u0bp/in_my_spare_time_i_help_blind_children/
%
What do they do when I'm being disruptive at the Vietnamese sandwich shop?

Banh mi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82tyq7/what_do_they_do_when_im_being_disruptive_at_the/
%
"Adam Ruins Everything"

...including quality television programming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82tvx1/adam_ruins_everything/
%
I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82tv7o/i_met_matthew_mcconaughey_and_asked_him_to_sign_a/
%
Got a new deodorant today...

The directions said remove cap and push up bottom......I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82tmv5/got_a_new_deodorant_today/
%
After my dad died, we found an old book hidden away in his study.

It was bound in some sort of leather, and emblazoned with the title “TO SUMMON THE DREADED ANCIENT ONE”.
When we opened it, all it contained was gran’s phone number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82tkk2/after_my_dad_died_we_found_an_old_book_hidden/
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My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.
"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.
She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"
I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.
"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.
She laughed.
I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82titw/my_wife_found_me_in_the_kitchen_naked_holding_a/
%
I used to be addicted to Tide Pods

But now I'm clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82tf9r/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_tide_pods/
%
The Seven Dwarfs are in The Vatican

The Seven Dwarfs, of Snow White fame, are in Vatican City, where they've managed to get an audience with the pope. Dopey asks the pope, "Papa, are there any dwarf nuns here in the Vatican?" The old man ponders this unusual question for a moment, and responds no, there are no dwarf nuns here in the Vatican. The others begin to smirk.
Papa, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Italy?
Again he responds, I'm sorry son, there are no dwarf nuns in Italy as far as I know. Sneezy is starting to chuckle, and the others are struggling to hold back laughter. Dopey however, is looking more and more desperate.
Papa, do you know of any Dwarf nuns in all of the world?
Well, no, I don't think so. I don't know of any dwarf nuns in the entire world.
Dopey looks furious, and the rest of the dwarfs erupt in laughter. Happy shouts,
DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!! DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82te6i/the_seven_dwarfs_are_in_the_vatican/
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Two Squirrels GO Camping

They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says,
"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82tcp8/two_squirrels_go_camping/
%
Why do donuts have holes?

The baker makes them with love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82t98m/why_do_donuts_have_holes/
%
A redneck was walking down the road carrying a bag...

His friend happened to pass by and asked, "Hey, bud, what's in the bag?"
"Chickens," he answered.
"Say, if I can guess how many chickens you got in there, will you give me one?"
"Heck, if you can guess how many, I'll give ya both of 'em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82t4yy/a_redneck_was_walking_down_the_road_carrying_a_bag/
%
Ever hear about the Indian Chief who drank 40 cups of tea?

He drowned in his tea-pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82t26b/ever_hear_about_the_indian_chief_who_drank_40/
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A Texan walks into a nice French Restaurant

He sits down, orders, and has the best meal of his life. With each bite, the pure joy he feels only intensifies. Course after course, his interest continually piqued and appetite always aroused.
As he nears the end of his meal, he orders a crepe for dessert, ice cream atop as a finishing touch.
After receiving his desert, his mood suddenly shifts. The Texan is now visibly upset. Fuming, he pays his bill and exits the restaurant.
A nearby couple sees the commotion and asks their server what happened. The server responds, "Well, our back of the house forgot to integrate a crucial ingredient into that man's meal. Specifically, his crepe."
The couple is flabbergasted, "What? That crepe seemed divine. What did you forget that made that man so upset?"
"In seems that in the case of that Texan man's dessert, our chef failed to remember the a la mode."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82sx5v/a_texan_walks_into_a_nice_french_restaurant/
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What do you call a surprised Irishman?

O'Really

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82sw2r/what_do_you_call_a_surprised_irishman/
%
Carl woke up.

It was 1 hour before dawn again. He always woke up early these days.
Carl was a lone survivor. It had been 2 years 3 months and 5 days since the start and he was still going strong, he guessed he was just lucky.
He was down to his last bullet. Ammo had practically run dry about a year ago. Like most, he relied heavily on his trusty machete. He needed to find somewhere new to take shelter; you don’t stay in one place for long, not these days, so he started to walk.
The road ahead was blocked by a crowd of them, moping around, groaning for a meal. He decided to cut through the forest and edge his way past them, but out of the corner of his eye he caught glimpse of a building. He ventured closer and realised it was a prison. The place was full of people, all armed with knives and daggers.
The settlers were friendly and took him in. As the day passed, Carl let down his guard, he was safe here, for now.
That night, they heard groans approach the prison. Suddenly a scream was heard from within, “the dead! THE DEAD!” The Zombies had broken in.
After a few minutes they had already overrun the prison. The settlers did all they could but their weapons just weren’t up to the task and everyone was killed, apart from our lone survivor, Carl, who escaped as the last few were being eaten alive.
Stumbling through the night, with zombies close on his tail, Carl discovered a huge shopping mall. The settlers let him inside. They were armed to the teeth with swords, axes, spears and guns, more guns then he’d ever seen with stashes of ammo.
Carl warned them that there was a large pack of zombies following him. They checked, a few had turned into hundreds and were now headed straight for the mall. The settlers fired every weapon they had, but wave after wave ploughed on through the wall of bullets and the ammo ran dry. They broke through the barricades, the settlers fought hard, but they were all slaughtered. All apart from our lone survivor, Carl, who had eluded death once again.
He ventured deep into the dark wood, stumbling through the overgrown foliage, with an Armageddon of zombies behind him, he ran into a huge wooden wall. As he got closer to the entrance, he saw a chicken dressed in military fatigues. The chicken scratched its feet on the floor, clucked three times and pecked on the huge wooden gates. They opened with an enormous “Creeeeek”. Inside was a farm, an old redneck farmer and his wife. “nice ta meet ya sonny”, said the farmer, “come on in ayn' ava drink”
Carl immediately warned them that there were hundreds of zombies chasing him, maybe even thousands by now, but they didn’t seem bothered at all. “We need to do something! Have you even got any weapons?” Carl shouted...
“Naw, we won't need em”, said the farmer
“The chick’n will deal with em” said his wife, calmly.
Carl was anxious, but he was fed up of running and wanted to see what this chicken could do, so he watched in anticipation...
The Zombies approached, and one by one the chicken took them down. It pecked through their zombie brains, battered off their heads and kicked the living dead crap out of thousands of them.
Amazed, Carl said, “I’ve just seen that group of zombies tear through two settlements, armed to the teeth with an incredible arsenal of weapons, and your chicken has just taken all of them all out single handed, how? how did that just happen!?”
“Well”, said the farmer, “we figured t’out a long time ago. We dun' need any weapon’s at all, for the Hen is mightier than the Horde.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82sulk/carl_woke_up/
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There's been a local bloke called Carl going around breaking into people's houses for months...

The Police couldn't catch him. The weird thing is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in them and turning them on!
Anyway, just heard that he was found dead in an alleyway because of a drug overdose... now it's never nice hearing of a death but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ssz2/theres_been_a_local_bloke_called_carl_going/
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Everybody does it

A man died and went to heaven. He saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter. "Why all the clocks?" St. Peter answered "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh" said the man, "Whose clock is that?"........ "That was Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved. She had never told a lie." "Where's President Trump's clock?" asked the man. "Oh." said Peter. "It's in Jesus' office"......."He's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82sssr/everybody_does_it/
%
A bloke gets rushed to Accident and Emergency with 70% burns from the neck down.

The consultant takes one look at him and says, “Nurse, get this man 100mg of Viagra”. The nurse looks at him puzzled and says. “Will that sort his burns out??” The consultant says, “No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82sm9v/a_bloke_gets_rushed_to_accident_and_emergency/
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What do you call a mexican who lost his car

Carloss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82sjz7/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
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When I was a kid, my mom always used to tell me to put a clean pair of socks on, everyday...

By the time Saturday rolled around, I could hardly even fit in my shoes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82sja2/when_i_was_a_kid_my_mom_always_used_to_tell_me_to/
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In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards.

Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82si0w/in_1982_elton_john_attended_one_of_queens/
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What's the difference between a Pakistani grade school and an Al-Qaeda training base?

How am I supposed to know, I just pilot the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82sgp0/whats_the_difference_between_a_pakistani_grade/
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My wife left me, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/gonewild.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.
They don't allow reposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82sdem/my_wife_left_me_so_i_posted_all_the_nudes_she/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter what you call it, it will never come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82sbq7/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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I walked into a DIY shop

There wasn't a single assistant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82sbg0/i_walked_into_a_diy_shop/
%
When’s the best time to bang a teacher?

In between periods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82s7l4/whens_the_best_time_to_bang_a_teacher/
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The thing about ‘your mom’ jokes is that they’re old, overused, and not funny,

JUST LIKE YOUR MOM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82s1j8/the_thing_about_your_mom_jokes_is_that_theyre_old/
%
Why do dogs always bark when someone ring the doorbell?

No, seriously.  It's almost never for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82s0eo/why_do_dogs_always_bark_when_someone_ring_the/
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When I was poor I had to use old calendars to wipe my arse.

Now those days are behind me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82rz1z/when_i_was_poor_i_had_to_use_old_calendars_to/
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George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie..

Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”
DiCaprio says, “I’ll produce.”
McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82rx8x/george_clooney_leonardo_dicaprio_and_matthew/
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I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing a woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over there, punched him an broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82rooh/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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A Great Dane, German Shepard and Chihuahua are in the waiting room of the Vets office.

They start talking, comparing why they are there. The German Shepard says that when the mailman came to deliver mail, he bit him thinking he was protecting his masters property. Says he is being brought in to be put down. Next the chihuahua says that his master and wife had a newborn child and he ended up biting the child when it grabbed him too hard. The other two dogs gasp and ask what is going to happen to him. The small dog says that his fate is to be put down as well. Finally the Great Dane with some hesitation says that while the master was at work, his wife was taking a shower. While she was drying off, he became horny and decided to mount her and had his way with her. The other two dogs sat there in complete shock for a moment. Finally the Shepard says "wow man, I guess you are going to be put down as well"? Nah, says the Dane. I'm just in here for a nail trim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ro2z/a_great_dane_german_shepard_and_chihuahua_are_in/
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A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82rlmh/a_man_takes_his_seat_at_the_world_cup_final_he/
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A fish swims into a wall and says...

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ri3f/a_fish_swims_into_a_wall_and_says/
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Two goldfish in a tank. One asks the other...

How do you drive this thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82rhua/two_goldfish_in_a_tank_one_asks_the_other/
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I'm going to make an all male massage parlor.

I'll call it The Massagynist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82rhic/im_going_to_make_an_all_male_massage_parlor/
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"Hey, can you help me sharpen these throwing stars?"

"Shuriken"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82rdt7/hey_can_you_help_me_sharpen_these_throwing_stars/
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Just slept with a species from another genus.

No Homo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82r9bz/just_slept_with_a_species_from_another_genus/
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One day a boy is walking down an old dirt road...

arms full of duck tape and he comes across an cabin with an old man sitting on the front porch. The old man sees the boy and says, "Say son, what'cha need all that duck tape for?"
"I'm going to catch me some ducks!"
"Boy!! You ain't gunna catch no *DAMN* ducks with no *DAMN* duck tape!" The boy shrugs and keeps walking. Round about sunset the boy comes walking back with a whole buncha ducks rolled up in duck tape.
The next day the boy comes walking by with a whole buncha chicken wire in his arms. The old man stops him again and says, "Boy! What'cha doin with all that chicken wire?"
The boy replies, "I'm going to catch me some chickens!"
"Boy! You ain't gunna catch no *DAMN* chickens with no *DAMN* chicken wire!" The boy shrugs and keeps walking. Round about sunset the boy comes walking back with a whole buncha chickens wrapped up in chicken wire.
The next day the boy comes walking by swinging a stick in the dirt. The old man seems him again and is more confused than ever. He shouts, "Boy! What'cha got there?"
The boy replies, "Some pussy willow."
The old man jumps to his feet and says, "Boy! Let me grab ma hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82r7rf/one_day_a_boy_is_walking_down_an_old_dirt_road/
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I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my latina mother-in-law

Her address is 1837 3rd St, LA 90023, blue house. She gets off work at 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82r3jj/i_live_in_constant_fear_that_trump_will_deport_my/
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I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.

Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82r24m/i_was_browsing_craigslist_the_other_day_when_i/
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A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" "That’s a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.
The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82r18s/a_father_watched_his_young_daughter_as_she_played/
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I was a man trapped inside a woman's body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82qzmh/i_was_a_man_trapped_inside_a_womans_body/
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Our problems are like diamonds

we inflate their value because we don't understand how many they have in Africa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82qx99/our_problems_are_like_diamonds/
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Why are there no knock knock jokes about freedom?

Cause freedom rings bitches!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82qvse/why_are_there_no_knock_knock_jokes_about_freedom/
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What's the speed limit for sex?

68 because at 69 you eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82qr7s/whats_the_speed_limit_for_sex/
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A man asked Satan...

"How can I become the best guitarist in the world?"
Satan answered, "Give me your soul."
The man was bewildered. "What if I gave you a dollar instead?"
Satan smiled. "Then I'll make you the best bass player in the world."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82qqol/a_man_asked_satan/
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What did one S-orbital electron say to the other?

"I'll be right back, I have to go P."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82qktb/what_did_one_sorbital_electron_say_to_the_other/
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was once woken with a blowjob

almost choked to death
but obviously 2 people can have the same joke (i dont really check actual reddit just other subreds)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82qk05/was_once_woken_with_a_blowjob/
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I really like how the earth spins

It really makes my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82qhoy/i_really_like_how_the_earth_spins/
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What did the EA say to ubisoft?

You must purchase the r/jokes season pass to see this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82qhcd/what_did_the_ea_say_to_ubisoft/
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Long joke.

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82qent/long_joke/
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A house without mirrors?

Can’t see myself living there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82qebc/a_house_without_mirrors/
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I don't mind owning a .4mm pen.

I think it's fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82qb8f/i_dont_mind_owning_a_4mm_pen/
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I used to get into fights at the drop of a hat.

Which is probably why I got fired from my job as a graduation photographer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82pwq8/i_used_to_get_into_fights_at_the_drop_of_a_hat/
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I was about to tell you time travel joke

But you didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82pwnx/i_was_about_to_tell_you_time_travel_joke/
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An African woman named Betty entered a butcher shop and asked if they had beef.

Butcher: "No, black Betty! Ham or lamb!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82pw40/an_african_woman_named_betty_entered_a_butcher/
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So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.

Or as my husband would say...seven inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82pvk2/so_far_we_have_four_inches_of_snow_on_the_ground/
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An Ottawa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Ottawa.”
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Ottawa man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine.
“No problem…just like Ottawa in June,” the man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Ottawa man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.
“No problem. Just like Ottawa in July,” the man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.
He says, “No problem. Just like Ottawa in August.”
Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.
When he goes back now to see how the Ottawa man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on. To which the Ottawa man replies…..
“THE SENATORS WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!”
“THE SENATORS WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82pv25/an_ottawa_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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I like my women like I like my laptop.

Hot, on my lap, and virus-free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82purv/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_laptop/
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My sister had a chance to suck her boss’s dick for a promotion.

She blew it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82po1j/my_sister_had_a_chance_to_suck_her_bosss_dick_for/
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A friend of two rednecks burns to death in a fire.

The police office calls Joe-bob and Billy-joe down to the morgue to identify who the police suspect may be their close friend Tommy.
The first to arrive at the morgue was Joe-bob.
"jesus" he says. "sure is burnt. roll him over"
the mortician is confused, but rolls him over.
"that ain't tommy."
Next Billy Joe arrived at the morgue.
"cant tell if that's Tommy, roll him over".
the mortician rolls him over.
"that ain't Tommy."
"excuse me sir" the mortician says "how can you two tell he's not tommy by rolling them over?"
Billy joe says  "Cuz Tommy had 2 assholes"
"what!?" the mortician exclaims.
Billy joe replies surprised:
"oh, the whole town knew it. Whenever all us would walk through town together, people would say 'there goes Tommy with them 2 assholes'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82pnfk/a_friend_of_two_rednecks_burns_to_death_in_a_fire/
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I bought a blindfold the other day, but I'm gonna have to return it.

I just can't see myself wearing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82pf5n/i_bought_a_blindfold_the_other_day_but_im_gonna/
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There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a ledge, who fell off first?

The big moron, because the other guy was a little more on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82paa7/there_was_a_big_moron_and_a_little_moron_sitting/
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Bush, Obama and Trump go hunting in a safari

They start the day by making a friendly wager; the one who kills the least during that day pay for the drinks for the whole night.
At the end they come back to their campsite and compares killings.
Obama says that he killed three lions and two hippos. “That’s nothing, Bush says, I got four giraffes and five lions!” Trump us smiling like crazy; “Ha! I’m the best believe me! I got one lion and five hundred Notuses!”
The other two look at each other’s and ask “what the hell are Notuses?!”
\-	“well they’re about four foot tall, black and curly hair. When you point your gun at them they start screaming “Notus! Notus!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82p7r8/bush_obama_and_trump_go_hunting_in_a_safari/
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If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82p7h8/if_you_have_a_bee_in_your_hand_what_do_you_have/
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A man hits a woman with his car. Who is at fault?

The man, because he should never be driving in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82p6mt/a_man_hits_a_woman_with_his_car_who_is_at_fault/
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My friend that only dates Asian girls just started dating his ex-girlfriend again

And I don't know if I should tell him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ownq/my_friend_that_only_dates_asian_girls_just/
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How was the first giraffe made?

Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82otml/how_was_the_first_giraffe_made/
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Why can't the tyrannosaurus clap?

Because they're extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82otdn/why_cant_the_tyrannosaurus_clap/
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The tale of my chinese friend and his struggles

Earlier this year, a chinese family moved into my small town. The family had two twins who were both seniors in my class, Ving and Ling. Ving and his sister Ling were quiet to start off with, but eventually I made good friends with Ving. After talking to him for a few weeks he revealed to me that he absolutely abhored his name, and that he'd do almost anything to figure out how to get it changed. I asked him what he wanted to change it to, and he said
"lee, like bruce lee or some shit."
I was failing trigonometry at the time, and so I thought what the hell, and offered to help him in exchange for him doing my homework. Ling overheard us and chimed in,
"If you do that, father will disown you as our child. That name has been in our family line for generations."
Ving never really listened to his sister though, and he still wanted to go through with the plan. The next day after school, I drove him to the town hall. After we arrived, he had gotten the name-change sheet and was scribbling down information on to it when I saw his face change. I could tell he was extremely conflicted with his choice, holding back his tears.
Abandoning his heritage wasn't an easy decision after all. He told the receptionist he can't do it and Ling was visibly relieved.
The receptionist let us know that there would be a cancelation fee, and handed the fee waiver to her.  Just a stupid small town law.
His sister was about to hand it to the receptionist when suddenly a short asian man with neon shorts, ray-bans, and an american flag t-shirt bursted into the room. Looked like a tourist who went full 'Murica.
Ving turned around and stared at the man, as tears rolled down his cheeks.
"D-D-Dad?"
With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.
"Don't stop, be Lee, Ving.
Hold on to that fee, Ling"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82onmc/the_tale_of_my_chinese_friend_and_his_struggles/
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Got my picture taken with R.E.M. the other day....

That's me in the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ogn1/got_my_picture_taken_with_rem_the_other_day/
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If you're not feline well...

You should probably call a purramedic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82odo9/if_youre_not_feline_well/
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A lich walks into a tavern

The whole place fell silent. The customers have heard tales of their existence, but most have never seen a lich before. The lich plops himself down at the bar counter, a few seats away from a human warrior and his busty mage companion. They exchanged looks.
"Whoa," the mage whispered. "It's an actual skeleton."
The warrior nodded his head, eyes narrowing. "I think we've met before."
The two watched as the lich ordered a drink. When it arrived, he downed it quickly. Funnily enough, the liquid didn't end up trickling down his bones.
"It is him!" The warrior exclaimed.
The mage watched as the warrior stormed over to the lich. They ended up arguing furiously. To her bewilderment, the skeleton started blushing. Ignoring the biological impossibility of that, the warrior pressed on, getting angrier and angrier by the second. The mage, being curious, walked over and sat herself next to them.
"...I told you, it wasn't me!" The lich argued, skull still glowing red.
"But you're blushing! You know we slept together that one time!" the warrior protested.
"I'm not blushing! And I'm. Not. Gay! I am NOT into men!"
The lich paused, as if he were trying to recall something.
"If we did sleep together, I was probably drunk. And you definitely were too! I mean, you're pretty cute but why would we even..."
He trailed off. The three stared at each other.
"Uh," the lich continued lamely. "Cute, but in a platonic way, I mean. Because I'm not gay. And we have not slept together. Ever."
The warrior stared at him indignantly.
Before the situation could escalate, the mage waved her hands frantically. "Boys! Boys! Stop fighting!"
She pulled her companion aside, glaring fiercely.
"Honestly, Jim, this is hardly the time or place to be dragging skeletons out of the closet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ocb6/a_lich_walks_into_a_tavern/
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"No thanks. I am a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82obrq/no_thanks_i_am_a_vegetarian/
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An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome

. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.
They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”
After a short pause, she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
“No. I’m Swedish.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82oahs/an_italian_guy_is_out_picking_up_women_in_rome/
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Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82oa1m/microsoft_is_working_on_software_for_selfdriving/
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Did I ever tell you about the time my rival claimed he could best me in his sleep?

I retorted with, “That’s the only way you’ll defeat me, is in your dreams.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82o5hf/did_i_ever_tell_you_about_the_time_my_rival/
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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.  The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms !"
"No matter," said the man.  "Observe !"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man ?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, “But his face rings a bell.”
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.  I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened ?  Who is this man ?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but... He’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82o2he/after_quasimodos_death_the_bishop_of_the/
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I always arrive late at the office

, but I make up for it by leaving early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82o0fb/i_always_arrive_late_at_the_office/
%
There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family.

His parents could afford to give him anything he wanted. Well, the boy finally graduated from preschool. So far, he had already mastered his ABC’s and could count to one hundred perfectly. He could even spell fairly well, and his reading was going great. His father was very proud.
'Son,’ said the father. ‘I’m so proud of you. You’ve got a great start on life and I know you’ll be great one day. As a reward, I’ll buy you anything you want. You name it; I’ll buy it for you. What do you want?’
‘Well Dad, I saw these two pink and purple polka dotted ping-pong balls that I kind of want.” Suggested the little boy. His father shook his head.
‘Son, you’ll learn later that there are things you want, and things are a waste of money. This is one of those things. Pick something else.’ Said the dad. So the boy did”
Then the son graduated from elementary school. He was top of his class every year and was the star of all of the sports teams that were there. His future was looking bright.
‘Son, I’m so proud of you. You’re doing so perfect in life already. I want to make you happy so I’ll buy you anything you want. You name it; I’ll buy it for you. What is it?’
‘Well Dad, I still kind of want those two pink and purple polka-dotted ping-pong balls.’ Answered the son. The dad rolled his eyes.
‘Son, you don’t want those. It’s stupid. Pick something else.’ Insisted the father. So he did.
Then the son was out of high school. He was valedictorian and the start of football, basketball, baseball, and the other teams. He was dating the most beautiful girl in the school and he had been accepted to the top college.”
Now the son was graduating from college. Once again, he was at the top in everything. He was active in the community and was still doing sports. He was even still dating his high school sweetheart. His father was so proud.
‘Son, I’m so proud of you. Your life is at your fingertips. No one can stop you now. I want to buy you any thing you want. You name it. I’ll buy it for you. What do you want?’ asked the father.
‘Well dad, I still have my eye on those two pink and purple polka-dotted ping-pong balls. I really want them.’
The dad sighed. ‘Son, that’s a stupid thing to ask for. Please pick something else.’ Pleaded the dad. So he did.
Then he was getting married. It was to his high school girlfriend. She was still very pretty and was also very smart. It was a match made in heaven.
‘Son, I’m so prod of you. You and your new wife will have a great life together and I know you’ll be happy together. I want to buy you two something special. You name it. I’ll buy it for you. What do you want?’
‘Dad, we’d really be happy if we had those two pink and purple polka-dotted ping-pong balls for our marriage.’ Said the son.
‘Son, this is getting old. You know that the answer will be no. I’m begging you. Pick something else!’ So he did.
Then, he was having his very first child. The baby was just the right size and as healthy as could be. The dad was so excited to be a grandfather.
‘Son, I’m so proud of you. Your new baby will live a charmed life with its beautiful parents. I want to make you and your new family happy. So I’ll buy you anything you want. You name it. I’ll buy it. What do you want?’
‘Dad, my child and wife would be happy for me if I could just get those two pink and purple polka-dotted ping pong balls.’
‘Son, that’s pathetic. You’re willing to give up this chance for your own personal gain and not the gain of your family? Please, please pick something else!’ So he did.
Then he’s lying on his deathbed. He’s suffering from cancer and the doctors can do nothing to help him. The son was on the edge of death when his father came to visit him for the last time.
‘Son,’ he said in between tears. ‘I love you so much. You’ve had a great life. No one can ever take your place. You’re leaving behind a sweet wife and child, but it’s probably for the best. No father, though, wants to see his only son die unhappy. Let me buy you anything you want. You name it. I’ll buy it for you. What do you want?’
‘Dad, all my life, I’ve wanted those two pink and purple polka-dotted ping-pong balls. Won’t you please buy them for me now that I only have barely days to live?” begged the son. The dad sighed.
‘Son, no! That’s a waste of time. Pick something else! Why do you want them anyway?’ asked the dad.
‘Well because… because…’ And he died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82nxwe/there_was_once_a_boy_who_was_born_into_a_very/
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Four men are in the hospital waiting room!

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82nvm7/four_men_are_in_the_hospital_waiting_room/
%
I started taking fencing lessons...

The teacher started yelling fencing terms I didn't understand.
"Lunge!"
"Parry!"
"Reposte"
I stopped and said, "I can't do that, this is my first post in r/jokes and I don't wanna get flamed."
(Ain't much, but at least I tried)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ntju/i_started_taking_fencing_lessons/
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What is similar between dark humour and a child with terminal cancer?

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82nqqr/what_is_similar_between_dark_humour_and_a_child/
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Quit my job at the helium factory today.

I wouldn't be spoken to in that tone of voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82nql3/quit_my_job_at_the_helium_factory_today/
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A wife cooked her husband a pasta dish and posted the pic on fb

Later at the dining table...
Husband: “Sweetheart, I think it needs a bit more salt."
Wife : “What the hell! This pasta got 453 Likes and also 138 people commented 'Yummy'. But there's no pleasing you is there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82nqgf/a_wife_cooked_her_husband_a_pasta_dish_and_posted/
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A man becomes a Monk...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monk graciously accepts him, feeds him dinner, and even fixes his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monk accepts him, feeds him, and even fixes his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monk reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monk reply,
“Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monk leads the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk 😉

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82nmiu/a_man_becomes_a_monk/
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Two Irish fellas, Paddy and Murphy are looking for a job

They are walking down the road when they see a sign saying "Tree fellers wanted - apply within"
Paddy says "Hey Murphy, if we find another person we can apply for that".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82nlju/two_irish_fellas_paddy_and_murphy_are_looking_for/
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My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a massive crab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82nlf1/my_mums_starsign_was_cancer_pretty_ironic_how_she/
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Just found out I will be in a children’s book...

Well it’s more of a register

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82nkp8/just_found_out_i_will_be_in_a_childrens_book/
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Did you know that if you drink the fluid from a Magic 8 Ball, you can see the future? Trust me, it’s true...

My friend Steve did it and said he was going to die......and then he did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82niq0/did_you_know_that_if_you_drink_the_fluid_from_a/
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Out of desperation, I robbed a bank dressed as a frog and being a novice, the cops caught me right away. I thought I was going away to the big house for a very long time, but surprisingly, the judge was lenient and let me go...

...because it was the first time I had ever Kermitted a crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ncpf/out_of_desperation_i_robbed_a_bank_dressed_as_a/
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Is it solipsistic in here?

Or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82n9fx/is_it_solipsistic_in_here/
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A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls as it was something she just loved to do. The man asked her "why do you enjoy rubbing my balls"
She replied,
"Because I really miss mine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82n2zt/a_man_was_lying_in_bed_with_his_new_girlfriend/
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Quit my job at the calendar factory.

My days were numbered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82n2j5/quit_my_job_at_the_calendar_factory/
%
I have a phobia of German sausage

Yes, I fear the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82mp3d/i_have_a_phobia_of_german_sausage/
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A little boy with a dead frog on a leash goes into a brothel

At the reception he asks the madam:
"I'd like to have sex with a woman who has a sexually transmitted disease."
"While we do have a girl with an STD you are still a minor."
"I can pay extra."
After thinking about it the madam decides to let him have sex with her girl on one condition:
"Well, okay, you can go up to Nancy's room but first tell me what's up with that dead frog on a leash thing?"
"When I get home tonight my babysitter will come and do stuff to me. Afterwards when my dad brings her home he will getting some too. When he goes to bed with my mother they'll have sex like every night. In the morning my mother will have sex with the mailman like every morning. And that's the asshole who ran over my frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82mnwv/a_little_boy_with_a_dead_frog_on_a_leash_goes/
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What do you call a BBQ pun?

A meataphor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82mns0/what_do_you_call_a_bbq_pun/
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Why Moses was the one who received the Ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill?  We're not interested..'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said,  'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!!  Not commit adultery?  We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82mmwi/why_moses_was_the_one_who_received_the_ten/
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The doctor tells the man that he has bad news and worse news.

The man says, "Let's hear the worse news first."
So the doctor tells him: "I'm sorry, but you appears to have lung cancer."
So the man, asked the doctor "Ok, we what's the bad news?
So the doctor tells him:
"You also appears to have alzheimer's."
The man replies,
"Well, at least I don't have lung cancer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82mmbh/the_doctor_tells_the_man_that_he_has_bad_news_and/
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Beer battered fish is just so tragic.

That's alcohol abuse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82mlq7/beer_battered_fish_is_just_so_tragic/
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Why did 7 eat 9?

Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day
I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82mhlk/why_did_7_eat_9/
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A man walks into a bar ...

with a pig under his arm. The bartender looks at the pig, notices a wooden leg and asks 'Why has this pig got a wooden leg ?'
The man replies 'Ah that's a tale.  We had a fire in our house last week. This pig came upstairs and woke up our entire family. We all escaped the blaze thanks to this pig'.
The bartender was impressed. ' Did the pig lose a leg in the fire?'
'Oh no' said the man 'An animal this valuable ? You don't eat them all at once'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82mghv/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did the snowman want for Christmas?

A snowblower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82mgee/what_did_the_snowman_want_for_christmas/
%
I asked my wife to try anal last night.

"Fuck that shit" she said.
"That's the spirit!" I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82m8kv/i_asked_my_wife_to_try_anal_last_night/
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Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.

Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82m7r0/studies_show_that_4_out_of_5_men_suffer_from/
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The world's greatest procrastinator walked into a bar.

The

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82m35d/the_worlds_greatest_procrastinator_walked_into_a/
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The best murder weapon would be

a Tupperware lid because nobody would ever find it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82m2sr/the_best_murder_weapon_would_be/
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People are surprised when I tell them that I have a 4.0GPA while working and maintaining an active social life

But hey, anything is possible if you lie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82lzwg/people_are_surprised_when_i_tell_them_that_i_have/
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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay"

Mom: *stares at dad*
Dad: *clenches fist*
Mom: "Don't"
Dad: *sweats profusely*
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HEY GAY, I'M DAD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82lz4k/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
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A woman cried out that her son had just been hit by a moped!

The driver, nearly at the edge of town, screeched to a stop, returned to the scene of the crime, and said, "Actually its a Vespa." Before fleeing the scene again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82lu5j/a_woman_cried_out_that_her_son_had_just_been_hit/
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What do you call a scared philosopher?

Aristartle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82loip/what_do_you_call_a_scared_philosopher/
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Wet Joke

My Uncle Forgot to pay his water bill the other day.
I sent him a get *well* soon card

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ln70/wet_joke/
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What do you call a nitrogen atom having a 5-way orgy with 4 other hydrogen atoms?

Ammoooaaanium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82lmna/what_do_you_call_a_nitrogen_atom_having_a_5way/
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The Infamous One About the Cheerio

Once upon a time there was a cheerio named Less-Than-Average Cheerio Joe.
He lived in the Less-Than-Average Cheerio world. There were three worlds: Perfect Cheerio world, Average Cheerio world, and Joe’s home, Less-Than-Average cheerio world. Perfect Cheerio world, of course, was the world all cheerios wanted to visit; unfortunately, not many were able to, because you had to be perfect to live there.
Less-Than-Average Cheerio Joe’s one wish was to go to Perfect Cheerio world. It was all he ever wanted. He dreamed about it at night, and woke up knowing that the real Perfect Cheerio world was a hundred times better than anything he could imagine. Even though he was gluten-free and whole-grain, he still knew that the Perfect Cheerio world was where he was truly meant to be.
One day he found a magic lamp. He rubbed it. Out came a genie.
‘Less-Than-Average Cheerio Joe!’ the genie said. ‘As a reward for freeing me from that lamp, you may ask anything of me, and I will grant it to you.’
Less-Than-Average Cheerio Joe hardly had to think. ‘I wish I was a Perfect Cheerio,’ he said. The genie snapped his fingers, and, in a puff of whole grain oats, Cheerio Joe was perfect and in Perfect Cheerio world.
He looked around. The place was amazing.
A random cheerio tapped him on his soluble-fiber shoulder. ‘You’re new here, right?’ he asked. ‘I’m Bob. I’ll show you Perfect Cheerio world’s attractions.’
‘I’m Less-Than-Average Cheerio Joe,’ Joe said automatically.
Bob laughed. ‘Not any more,’ he said. ‘From now on, your name is Perfect Cheerio Joe. That’s what you are, of course.’
Joe’s cholesterol-free, toasted-whole-grain eyes filled with joyful tears. He was perfect.
‘Let’s go,’ Bob said. ‘I’m here to show you around the world. Let’s get a snack first. Donuts? Perfect Cheerio world is famous for them.’
‘Great,’ Perfect Cheerio Joe said. ‘So close to cannibalism, and yet still legal.’
They made their carbohydrate-laden way to a donut shop. But when they got inside, the cheerio behind the counter held up a hypothetical hand. ‘Whoa whoa whoa,’ he said. ‘You two have to go to the end of the line.’
Bob looked at the long line, stretching out the door and down the street. ‘Where’s the end of the line?’ he asked.
The donut-seller scratched his hypothetical head. ‘Straight down the street for three blocks. Take a right, then go straight for four blocks. When you get to Fifth, take a left. That’s the end of the line.’
Joe’s hypothetical eyes widened. But no matter how long the lines in Perfect Cheerio world were, he was going to enjoy this day to the non-genetically-modified maximum.
He and Bob followed the directions until they came to the end of the line. They waited in the line for twenty minutes. When they got to the front, they ordered their donuts, and Bob led Joe further into Perfect Cheerio world.
‘Next let’s go to the biggest movie theater in the three worlds,’ Bob said. ‘It’s one of the biggest tourist attractions.’
They made their way to the theater. But at the tickets window, the ticket seller waved his low-saturated-fat hypothetical hand. ‘Whoa whoa whoa,’ he said. ‘You two have to go to the end of the line.’
Bob glanced at the long line, down the street. ‘Where’s the end of the line?’ he asked.
The ticket-seller scratched his hypothetical head. ‘Straight down the street for three blocks. Take a right, then go straight for four blocks. When you get to Fifth, take a left. That’s the end of the line.’
‘Holy mother of cereal,’ Bob said.
But no matter how long the lines in Perfect Cheerio world were, Joe was going to enjoy this day to the non-genetically-modified maximum.
He and Bob followed the directions until they came to the end of the line. They waited in the line for thirty minutes. When they got to the front they ordered tickets for a movie (a horror movie, ‘Tony’) and went into the theater lobby.
‘Wait,’ said Joe. ‘We can’t watch a movie without popcorn!’ And so they made their way to the concessions counter. But at the counter, the concessions cheerio waved his 100% whole grain oats hypothetical hand. ‘Whoa whoa whoa, he said. ‘You two have to go to the end of the line.’
Bob glanced at the long line, which stretched out the door and down the street. ‘Where’s the end of the line?’ he asked.
The concessions guy scratched his hypothetical head. ‘Straight down the street for three blocks. Take a right, then go straight for four blocks. When you get to Fifth, take a left. That’s the end of the line.’
‘In the name of the sacred three grams of soluble fiber…’ Joe started to say, before Bob cut him off.
‘Language,’ he reminded Joe. ‘There are children present.’
But no matter how long the lines in Perfect Cheerio world were, Joe was going to enjoy this day to the non-genetically-modified maximum.
He and Bob followed the directions until they came to the end of the line. They waited in the line for forty minutes. When they finally made their way back inside, they ordered popcorn, and went and saw the movie. (It was grrrrreat but rather disturbing.)
After the movie ended, they walked outside. Bob began to lead Joe in one direction, but Joe stood gaping at the most massively terrifying rollercoaster he’d ever seen. ‘Is that… legal?’ he asked.
‘Sure it is,’ Bob said. ‘Let’s go, if you feel up to it.’
They made their simply-made way to the amusement park. Joe started to walk toward the ride, but the operator waved his low-saturated-fat hypothetical hand. ‘Whoa whoa whoa,’ he said. ‘You two have to go to the end of the line.’
Bob glanced at the long line, which stretched around the park twice and then went back out the park gates. ‘Where’s the end of the line?’ he asked.
The operator scratched his hypothetical head. ‘Straight down the street for three blocks. Take a right, then go straight for four blocks. When you get to Fifth, take a left. That’s the end of the line.’
‘Grown, milled, and toasted. Grown, milled, and toasted. Grown, milled, and toasted,’ Joe chanted to himself. ‘Don’t get a heart attack now. Besides being physically ironic, that would definitely ruin your first week in Perfect Cheerio world.’
He and Bob followed the directions until they came to the end of the line. They waited in the line for fifty minutes, until finally they arrived at the roller coaster, where they screamed their hypothetical lungs out for one and a half solid minutes.
By the time they could walk straight, the sun had begun to go down. ‘I guess you should head home,’ Bob said. ‘But… wait! There’s one thing you haven’t done. It’s an oatstanding tradition for Perfect Cheerio World first-timers. Follow me.’
With that, he led the way down the street. ‘It’s the world famous Perfect Punch,’ he said. ‘Almost every fruit known to cheerio has been blended into one incredibly flavorful fruit punch. Believe me, this is worth any wait.’
They arrived at a brightly lit punch bar. Joe took a step inside, and looked around, amazed.
Was it possible? Could it be real?
Was the bar… really empty of other cheerios? No wait? No queue?
Hardly daring to believe it, he approached the cheerio behind the counter. ‘Excuse me,’ he said, hesitantly. ‘But… where’s the line?’
The cheerio looked up and smiled.
‘Oh,’ he said. ‘Don’t worry.
‘There is no punchline.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82lky8/the_infamous_one_about_the_cheerio/
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I like my women like my coffee

I’ve never tasted coffee, but it sure smells nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82lk2m/i_like_my_women_like_my_coffee/
%
Old Russian joke from Soviet times

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly, the train stops.
Lenin suggests: "Perhaps we should announce a subbotnik (volunteer work-program), so that workers and peasants will fix the problem."
Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the train does not start moving, the driver will be shot!"
Khrushchev then chimes in, "Let's take the rails from behind the train and use them to lay the tracks in front".
Then Brezhnev says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ljty/old_russian_joke_from_soviet_times/
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At age 11, bobby was blessed with an 8 inch penis

A year later, his priest went to jail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ljcx/at_age_11_bobby_was_blessed_with_an_8_inch_penis/
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I like my women like my rum

Aged 13 years and swimming in coke
Disclaimer: This is a joke! I do NOT condone mixing rum and coke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82lilf/i_like_my_women_like_my_rum/
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Two cockroaches run into each other in a week old baguette

One says to the other, 'Hey, I thought I was the only roach from around these parts. Where you from?'
The other responds, 'Who, me? I was born in bread right here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82li2s/two_cockroaches_run_into_each_other_in_a_week_old/
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What did the left ass cheek say to the right ass cheek?

If we stick together, we can stop all this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82lfbk/what_did_the_left_ass_cheek_say_to_the_right_ass/
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Why do milk monsters walk weirdly?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82lcdg/why_do_milk_monsters_walk_weirdly/
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How many obi's does it take to kenobi?

Only wan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82l8u5/how_many_obis_does_it_take_to_kenobi/
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Two men were out fishing

when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter. He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh, I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? "Sure" says the other man. "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing". "Ok I will" says the other. As he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants. The man says " I want a Million Bucks ". The genie agrees and goes back in the lamp and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head. The guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82l8ic/two_men_were_out_fishing/
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What did the dead meme do when someone misused him?

Rick rolled in his grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82l63h/what_did_the_dead_meme_do_when_someone_misused_him/
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What’s the sexiest bee species?

Boo-bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82l33i/whats_the_sexiest_bee_species/
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TIL about the hyperactive hippopotamus with hypoglycemia

The hyper-hypo hippo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82l2tz/til_about_the_hyperactive_hippopotamus_with/
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what is the fastest liquid on earth?

milk because it's pasteurized before you see it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82l2n3/what_is_the_fastest_liquid_on_earth/
%
What’s better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82kvrj/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
What’s the deal with this new thing called Fortnite?

Saw it a couple of weeks ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82kvl1/whats_the_deal_with_this_new_thing_called_fortnite/
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*Dad Joke* Why do religious people prefer Swiss cheese?

Because it’s “holy”
Used this as an actual dad joke. Daughter/wife not impressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82kpof/dad_joke_why_do_religious_people_prefer_swiss/
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Here is some comedy gold for you

,d Au

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ki4f/here_is_some_comedy_gold_for_you/
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I wasn’t sure if I should go to the STI clinic or not.

I didn’t want to make a rash decision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82k78l/i_wasnt_sure_if_i_should_go_to_the_sti_clinic_or/
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Why do you need to explain jokes to short people?

To make sure it doesn’t go over their head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82k5op/why_do_you_need_to_explain_jokes_to_short_people/
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Why didn’t the cheesestick have any friends?

Because it was uncultured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82k0vq/why_didnt_the_cheesestick_have_any_friends/
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Steve jobs would have been a better president than Trump.

Although that isn't really fair to say, since any other corpse would be too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82k0s4/steve_jobs_would_have_been_a_better_president/
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What do you call a council of Emo's?

A cutting board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82jvyt/what_do_you_call_a_council_of_emos/
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I used to love my ex-girlfriend's breasts...

...but now they're just distant mammaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82jh4v/i_used_to_love_my_exgirlfriends_breasts/
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Why does Trump not believe in the color spectrum?

It's all fake hues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82jag7/why_does_trump_not_believe_in_the_color_spectrum/
%
I finally figured out the secret to keeping your woman happy.

You have to [spoiler] (#s)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82j8lj/i_finally_figured_out_the_secret_to_keeping_your/
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My friend ate his own arm and now he's bragging about how brave he is...

He's so full of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82j4yi/my_friend_ate_his_own_arm_and_now_hes_bragging/
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Man wakes up in a slum with no memory of how he got there.

He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82j2du/man_wakes_up_in_a_slum_with_no_memory_of_how_he/
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My joke about negligence in the postal service isn't bad

but the delivery is messed up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82iy5w/my_joke_about_negligence_in_the_postal_service/
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It could've been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
"Not so good," says Harry.
"Why, what happened?" James queries.
"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Could have been worse," James replies calmly. "Could have been worse."
A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. "And how are things now?" he asks.
"Terrible!" says Harry. "Our house burned down last night."
"Could have been worse," says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. "Well, how goes it?" he inquires.
"Oh!" says Harry. "Things just get worse and worse. It's one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!"
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: "Could've been worse."
This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. "Wait a minute!" he says. "I'm not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we've run into one another, and every time I've told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: 'Could have been worse.' This time, for God's sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven's name could it have been any worse?"
James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile. "Could have been worse," he says. "Could have happened to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82iwh9/it_couldve_been_worse/
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Three couples are trying to get married.

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ivfv/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married/
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A visit to Home Depot

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing. So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the Manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The Manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $5,000".
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet - certainly out of my price range." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.
The Manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49, then he went into the back room to get one. From the back room the Manager yelled, "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82iuuq/a_visit_to_home_depot/
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Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.
Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ircc/two_conjoined_twins_attached_by_the_face_have/
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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut...

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money f rom you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82iqx9/one_day_a_florist_went_to_a_barber_for_a_haircut/
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Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?

Because he was Haydn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82iqar/why_couldnt_mozart_find_his_teacher/
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So one time I went to the toilet

Actually no, I won't tell you.
It's a shit joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82io2z/so_one_time_i_went_to_the_toilet/
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The first jockstrap in ice hockey was introduced in 1874. The helmet was first obligatory in 1974.

So it took precisely 100 years before men realized that the brain eventually could be useful too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ilk7/the_first_jockstrap_in_ice_hockey_was_introduced/
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'Hello, is this Trump's office?'

'Yes, how can we help you? '
'Can you guys tell me a good joke?'
'Sir, please, we are serious people and we are working very hard all the time, we don't have time for jokes.'
'Hahhahahahaahah, good one, thank you very much.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82iklo/hello_is_this_trumps_office/
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Adam was lonely

He said "God, all the creatures have their mates but I am alone".
God thought for a minute and said "I will make you a perfect companion. She will be lovely, kind, attentive and will fulfill your every desire. I'll need from you two fingers, a kidney and one of your testicles".
Adam thought for a minute and said "What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82iiny/adam_was_lonely/
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I told my doctor I had a case of Macho Madness. He asked, “Really?” I said

#OH YEAH!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ihnj/i_told_my_doctor_i_had_a_case_of_macho_madness_he/
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're very good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ieqk/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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A homeless man comes to a rich man's house and knocks on the door

"Please sir," says the homeless man, "I've not eaten in the last 3 days. Would you let me come in for some food?"
The owner of the house is sympathetic and tells the man, "you can come in, if you paint the porch round back. There's a bucket of yellow paint next to it."
The homeless man agrees, and half an hour later comes to the door again.
"Finished already? Come on in then, my wife is in the kitchen cooking you up a good meal."
"Thank you, sir," replied the homeless man, "but just so you know, it's a BMW you've got, not a porche."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82idwg/a_homeless_man_comes_to_a_rich_mans_house_and/
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My girlfriend said “I believe in you” and it made me happy.

But then I realised she had just affected a culturally inappropriate Jamaican accent to break the news that she was moving out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ibg9/my_girlfriend_said_i_believe_in_you_and_it_made/
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The Witness

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82i3vq/the_witness/
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As a blind man, it's uplifting when women tell me I have a large penis, but to be truthful...

I just don't see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82i1e4/as_a_blind_man_its_uplifting_when_women_tell_me_i/
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Why should you be scared of the white man in prison?

Because he actually did something wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82hxba/why_should_you_be_scared_of_the_white_man_in/
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How many blondes does it take to wash a car?

Two.  One to hold the sponge, and one to drive the car back and forth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82hx0c/how_many_blondes_does_it_take_to_wash_a_car/
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The bird flu is pretty nasty

Luckily, it's tweetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82huy4/the_bird_flu_is_pretty_nasty/
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A man is in the hospital recovering from a heart attack.

The wife excuses herself to go and talk to the Dr.. She sits down with the Dr. and asks what life after the heart attack is going to be like.
The doctor tells her "Ma'am, your husband's heart is weak, it needs to be cared for."
The wife responds "Sir, I already work full time so he can stay home to help reduce his stress. I've secretly replaced his food with low cholesterol versions, without him noticing. And I make sure to hire someone to help with chores. What more could I possibly do?"
"Well, you see" says the doc "his heart needs a little exercise. Scientists have discovered that blowjobs are the prefect exercise to get his heart working properly. With out them there is no chance for him living past the week. We recommend one blowjob a year to keep him alive.  After that plan is in place he would most certainly be able to do chores.  One blowjob a month and he could handle the stress of a full time job, as well. One blow job per week, and he could do chores, work a full time job, plus a part time job, and eat whatever he wanted. Which would certainly make your life less stressful, and quite lavish."
So the woman jumps up with great excitement. She tells the doctor how happy he has made her, and runs off to tell her husband.
As she reaches the door to his room she is so excited that she can barely contain herself, and she immediately starts to cry. Entering the room she looks at her husband and tells him just what the doctor told her... "You're going to die... Within a week."
Written for u/Kangaroosters, who had never heard this punchline without it involving a dick, and a snake bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82humn/a_man_is_in_the_hospital_recovering_from_a_heart/
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Who can beat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82htjc/who_can_beat_captain_america/
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Does anyone here know the definition of a will?

C'mon guys it's a dead giveaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82htf0/does_anyone_here_know_the_definition_of_a_will/
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I took my pet snail’s shell off to see if he could go faster.

But now he’s just more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82heme/i_took_my_pet_snails_shell_off_to_see_if_he_could/
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Sex makes your day, but

Anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82hbwl/sex_makes_your_day_but/
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I’m in love with gravity

I’ve fallen for it many times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82hae3/im_in_love_with_gravity/
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New Yorkers confuse me...

Half of them keep saying "fuhgeddaboudit" but the rest of them keep saying "Never forget".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82h8rq/new_yorkers_confuse_me/
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How to get there faster

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked..
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your damn bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82h6zy/how_to_get_there_faster/
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My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82h4jj/my_fear_of_palindromes_is_really_starting_to/
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A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project

For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.
"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82gzsg/a_college_professor_asks_all_of_his_students_to/
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
"Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82gvym/a_man_is_getting_into_the_shower_just_as_his_wife/
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Two guys are sitting in a bar one night on the 20th floor of a hotel.

The first guy says to the second guy "Did you know if you jump out the window, right around the time you pass the 10th floor there is a huge updraft that will lift you back up to the bar?"
The second guy, of course, doesn't believe him so he says "Prove it!"
So the first guy jumps out the window and a few seconds later comes back through the window.
"Wow! Unbelievable!" shouts the second man. "OK, I'm gonna try it." So he leaps out the window and is flying down past the floors. He passes the 10th floor and keeps falling. He finally hits the pavement and dies.
Back in the bar, the bartender says "Superman, you're such an ass when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82gvk9/two_guys_are_sitting_in_a_bar_one_night_on_the/
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A Stark, A Lannister and a Bolton walks into a bar.

Bartender: "What's up Lady Sansa?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82gv1b/a_stark_a_lannister_and_a_bolton_walks_into_a_bar/
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"Top 10 Most Dangerous Occupations in the US 2017" revealed

High school student in poll position

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82guq8/top_10_most_dangerous_occupations_in_the_us_2017/
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Did you hear the one about the Italian con man?

It turns out he was an im-pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82gtnl/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_italian_con_man/
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I got banned from a Christian dating site

I suppose "hung like Jesus" *was* a poor choice for a username.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82grgh/i_got_banned_from_a_christian_dating_site/
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Dad: Son, grab me that dopted.

Son: Dad, what's a dopted?
Dad: You are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82gqvu/dad_son_grab_me_that_dopted/
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I've heard that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82gqg5/ive_heard_that_talking_to_yourself_is_a_sign_of/
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A wife finds her husband standing on the bathroom scale sucking in his gut

Wife laughing :you know that's not going to help.
Husband: yes it does. It's the only way I can see the numbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82geqn/a_wife_finds_her_husband_standing_on_the_bathroom/
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What's the difference between a healthy vampire and a sick vampire? [OC]

One sleeps in a coffin,
The other coughs while sleepin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82gcoa/whats_the_difference_between_a_healthy_vampire/
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The astronomers were tired after following the moon for 24 hours

So they called it a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82fxbd/the_astronomers_were_tired_after_following_the/
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What’s the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can’t marmalade your cock down your wife’s throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82frxr/whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_marmalade/
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I don't think I'll ever understand college kids and their "Netflix and chill" slang...

...when are they gonna realize they can fuck each other without paying $10 a month?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82fqhk/i_dont_think_ill_ever_understand_college_kids_and/
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The only thing flat earthers have to fear ...

... is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82fpe2/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_have_to_fear/
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A wife was dreaming...

Suddenly she wakes up and yells "Quick get out my husband's home!" her husband hurriedly wakes up and jumps out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82forz/a_wife_was_dreaming/
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The opposite of BDSM is BDHM

Baby, don't hurt me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82fiaw/the_opposite_of_bdsm_is_bdhm/
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A man goes to his barber to get a haircut.

As the barber is cutting his hair they start to chat a bit.
The man says “It’s me and my wives anniversary soon. We’re planning a trip to Rome as we've always wanted to go to Italy and really experience some authentic Italian food!”
“Ahh, don’t bother” says the barber. “The whole city is just full of McDonald’s on every corner and there’s nowhere to get authentic Italian food there any more!”
“Oh…” says the man. “Well, me and the wife are also big fans of architecture. We’d love to see the old ruins and remains of ancient Rome and really soak in some of those fantastic sights!”
“Ahh, don’t bother” replies the barber. “They’re tearing all those building down now and it’s just a bunch of ugly steel buildings and nothing special any more.”
“I see…” says the man. “Well, at least we can go to the Vatican and see the Pope! We’re both very religious and are extremely excited to see him!”
“Ahh, don’t bother” says the barber yet again. “It’s usually so crowded that you’ll be lucky if you can just see the tip of his hat! The whole thing sounds like a waste of time to me.”
Despite the barber’s crude warnings, the man takes his wife and they both go to Rome.
A few weeks later, the man goes back to the barber’s to get another haircut and, once again, they start chatting. The man tells the barber that he has just gotten back from his trip to Rome with his wife.
“Oh, and how was the food there?” Asks the barber.
“It was great! There were giants platters full of all sorts of pasta’s everywhere! We had authentic gelato after every meal, some of the best espresso’s I've ever had and more delicious food in that week then I've ever had in my life!”
“That sounds nice” says the barber. “What about the buildings?”
“They were stunning! We barely had time to see half of the amazing sights that Rome had to offer. We saw the Colosseum, walked all around the beautiful Villa Borghese, visited the Capucin Crypts, and we visited all the famous Piazza’s we could!”
“I see!” replies the barber. “And the Pope?”
“Well, we went to the Vatican and there was a huge sea of people. From the Pope’s balcony, we could just about see the tip of his hat. Suddenly, he raised his rod and pointed it right at me and my wife, and the crowd parted in two and made a pathway. He looked right at me and shouted ‘YOU!’ and started to make his way towards me. He then slowly walked right up to my face and said ‘…who the FUCK gave you that haircut?’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82feii/a_man_goes_to_his_barber_to_get_a_haircut/
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A man walks into a bar and says!

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"
The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82febv/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
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Can February March?

No, but April May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82fajh/can_february_march/
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I was gonna make a joke about your sexlife

But you’re not gonna get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82f7ii/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_about_your_sexlife/
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What is a therapist?

1024 gigapist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82f6qp/what_is_a_therapist/
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A German goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on war.

The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82f3jl/a_german_goes_into_a_library_and_asks_if_he_can/
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There once was a man who loved tractors,

I mean he absolutely adored them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor anime(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His life long soulmate, who didn't mind his obsession with tractors at all. She didn't even mind the Cosplay at Halloween, where they would both dress as tractors and spend the night driving along the pavement. Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big tractor scrapyard in the sky. Unfortunately, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor anime. He put it all in a pile and drove over it in his own miniature tractor. What ever didn't burn, including the miniature tractor, was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 10 years. Finally on the 10th anniversary of his wife’s death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82f364/there_once_was_a_man_who_loved_tractors/
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Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous

I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and i just have to say i’m really disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82f0jk/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts_anonymous/
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Whats the best way to hang yourself?

In a picture frame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ez9n/whats_the_best_way_to_hang_yourself/
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At 1:58 two young girls ran out in front of my car, so I slammed on my breaks and honked my horn. On the other side of the road behind the wheel was an African activist, who had to slam on his breaks to avoid hitting a pair of young girls as well.

Desmond Tutu tooted two too, at two to two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82eywn/at_158_two_young_girls_ran_out_in_front_of_my_car/
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What place on the internet is so environmentally friendly that the recycling rate is 99%?

R/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ey2u/what_place_on_the_internet_is_so_environmentally/
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What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

Make a seizure salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ex0o/what_do_you_do_with_epileptic_lettuce/
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Bill Gates and Elon Musk should work together to make a penis enlargement pill.

They would be called elongates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82euij/bill_gates_and_elon_musk_should_work_together_to/
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Bill and Bob go for a drink.

Bob and Bill go out for a drink after work as they usually do. Midway through their drinks Bob turns to Bill and goes “Bill, I’ve been married for 10 years and I love my wife to death, but I am thinking of leaving her.” Bill replies “Bob, why would you want to throw away ten years of marriage, what’s going on?” “To be honest” Bob explains “I am just tired of pluggin the same hole every night!” To which Bill says “Well, just turn her over every once in a while like I do.” Bob leans back aghast and goes “What? And end up with a house full of kids?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82etel/bill_and_bob_go_for_a_drink/
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God notices that heaven was getting too crowded...

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”
Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives
“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules... you’re not allowed in unless you’ve had like a really bad day”
The man doesn’t pause before screaming:
“Bad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now and I decided to come home at lunch and catch her in the act. So I go up to my apartment on the 10th floor and I nearly bust straight in. Anyway she’s lying on the couch, naked and screaming at me! I can’t find the guy anywhere, until I go outside on the balcony and there’s this guy, naked, holding on to the balcony floor. And he’s screaming at me too! Well next thing I go into this rage... I just stomp on his hands and he falls the ten storeys. But at the bottom these branches break his fall, and he starts to get up! He’s alive! So I grab the nearest thing, our fridge, and I haul it out onto the edge of the balcony and lever t over the railing, sending it right at him. I don’t know what happened next though cause I gave myself a heart attack while doing it!”
Peter nods “wow yeah that is rough. In ya come”. The next guy in line walks up, naked
“Hey so yeah, new rules, you have to have had a bad day to get in”
“Well let me tell ya. I was home sick from work and I just got out of the shower. Anyway I walked out onto my balcony of my fifteen floor apartment to get some fresh air. A gust of wind whipped my towel off and I reached out to grab it... but I ended up falling over the edge! Luckily I managed to turn mid-air and grab onto this balcony. So I am hanging there, screaming for someone to help me when this god damn mad man comes running out and starts stamping on my fingers! I then fall ten storeys, but I’m saved! All these branches in these trees at the bottom slowly break my fall. I was just getting my bearings when I look up and a fridge is flying at my face”
Peter nods... perplexed... “wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds rough, in ya go... next”
This other guy walks up, and Peter says “same as the last two, you’ve had to have had a bad day to get in”
The guy looks at him and goes
“Okay. So imagine this. You’re naked inside a fridge”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82erf2/god_notices_that_heaven_was_getting_too_crowded/
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I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82eopq/i_called_work_this_morning_and_whispered_sorry/
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A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "l have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing.
It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82en59/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_worried_about_her/
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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82em41/what_would_be_the_first_thing_communists_do_if/
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I really don’t know what’s so good about Switzerland

But their national flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82eilq/i_really_dont_know_whats_so_good_about_switzerland/
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Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82eijm/today_i_donated_a_laptop_a_smartphone_and_500_to/
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Two men are walking their pets...

when one spots a bar. “Hey, I’m thirsty. Want to grab a beer or two?” one asks the other. “Sure!” the second man replied. But as they got closer, one saw a sign that said, “No Animals Allowed”.
“Damn it! No animals allowed!” one said. But then he had an idea.
The man walked up to the bartender and asked for some beer. “Sorry, man, no pets allowed.” the bartender said, gazing over the counter. “Oh no, this is my seeing eye dog!” the “blind” man said. The bartender raised his eyebrows in surprise, then quickly apologized, giving the man his drink.
The second man walks in, asking for some whiskey. The bartender once again says, “Sorry. No animals allowed.” The second man proclaimed, “This is my seeing eye dog!” The bartender squinted at the man in confusion. “Dude, that’s a sheep.” he said.
“Wait, they gave me a sheep?” the second man said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82edna/two_men_are_walking_their_pets/
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[Long] A couple and their 9 kids are waiting for a bus...

A couple and their 9 kids are waiting for a bus along with a blind man. As the bus arrived they found it nearly full so only the woman and kids were able to get on. As the bus drove off the husband and blind man started walking. After a while the husband, irritated by the constant sound of the cane, asked the blind man could he put a rubber tip on the end of his stick. The blind man smiled, replying, "Well, if you had put a rubber tip on the end of your stick we'd both be on the bus right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ea2c/long_a_couple_and_their_9_kids_are_waiting_for_a/
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A King wanted to get rid of his jesters...

A King wanted to get rid of his jesters so he decided to assign them a task. He told them that he would give them 15 minutes to bring him the largest quantity they could find of any single fruit. However, what was unbeknownst to them was that they'd have to shove the fruit up their asses if they wanted to live.
The first fool came out.
- What have you brought me to enjoy? Asked the King.
- I have brought you 15 apples, every single one of them ripe.
- Well, if you want to live you must shove every single one up your ass.
The jester tried, but after 3 apples, he gave up and was sent to be executed.
The second fool then came out.
- What have you brought for me to enjoy? Asked again the King.
- I have brought you just once bunch of grapes, but I assure you they will be the best you've ever had.
- Well, if you want to live you must shove the bunch up your ass.
The jester began shoving the bunch up when, halfway through the task, he heard a squeaking noise coming from the kitchen. He instantly began laughing hysterically, but continued to push the bunch in and finally succeeded. The King then told him:
- I will let you live as you have completed my challenge, but I need you to answer me 2 questions: What is thst squeaking noise coming from the kitchen, and why were you laughing so much?
The jester, ecstatic he hadn't lost his life, but still laughing, replied:
- That's your wheelbarrow King
- Okay, but what about the laughing?
- I saw the next jester placing watermelons on your wheelbarrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82e8pe/a_king_wanted_to_get_rid_of_his_jesters/
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82e7zn/an_18_year_old_italian_girl_tells_her_mom_that/
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How do you know how heavy a redhot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82e63o/how_do_you_know_how_heavy_a_redhot_chilli_pepper/
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the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father,
could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem,
I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money.
I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs.
Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash,
I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied,
"I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82e4u7/the_customs_officer_said_go_ahead_father_next/
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I built an electric fence around my property yesterday...

My neighbor is dead against it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82e1of/i_built_an_electric_fence_around_my_property/
%
A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told him that's the last thing I need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82dy0d/a_man_tried_to_sell_me_a_coffin_today/
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Two women are talking in Heaven

One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82dws7/two_women_are_talking_in_heaven/
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I told my friend I had been in Africa gambling with the natives. “Zulu’s?” He asked.

I said nope. I usually won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82duhq/i_told_my_friend_i_had_been_in_africa_gambling/
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Where does a Sith Lord buy their clothes?

At the Darth Mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82do74/where_does_a_sith_lord_buy_their_clothes/
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A recurring decimal walked into a bar

And never returned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82dmqf/a_recurring_decimal_walked_into_a_bar/
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While in Soviet Russia, I went to visit a doctor.

"What happened to you?" He said.
"Migraine" i replied.
He bent forward, push upped his glasses and said, "Correction. Ourgrain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82difb/while_in_soviet_russia_i_went_to_visit_a_doctor/
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Be like Frank

**Passenger**: "Who?"
**Cabbie**: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
**Passenger**: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
**Cabbie**: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
**Passenger**: "Sounds like he was really something special."
**Cabbie**: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
**Cabbie**: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
**Passenger**: "How did you meet him?"
**Cabbie**: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82dgix/be_like_frank/
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What does the “L” in Samuel L. Jackson stand for?

Mother fucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82dfbo/what_does_the_l_in_samuel_l_jackson_stand_for/
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I found a butterfly without wings...

So I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... It drowned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82d94n/i_found_a_butterfly_without_wings/
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Two miners walk out of the mine after a hard days work, one carrying a shovel and the other a stick. The one carrying the shovel turns and asks, "Where's your shovel?"

And the other responds, "sure does".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82d59g/two_miners_walk_out_of_the_mine_after_a_hard_days/
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Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Trump

But I guess it's not fair to compare apples and oranges

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82d1y2/steve_jobs_would_have_been_a_better_president/
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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office

I will find you.
You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82cwzh/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office/
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I’m an asshole on the outside, but I’m like an onion

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82cub0/im_an_asshole_on_the_outside_but_im_like_an_onion/
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So the little Native American boy asks his father...

..."Father, how did I get my name?"
His father said, "Son, in our tribe, when a child is born, the father walks outside the teepee and names the child after the first thing he notices. For instance, when your older brother was born, I walked out of the teepee and saw a majestic eagle flying overhead,so we named your brother, Eagle Who Soars."
"What about my big sister? How did she get her name?", the little boy asked.
The father replied," When she was born, I stepped out of the teepee and a warm breeze blew through the village so I named her, Wind That Blows. Tell me, why are you so curious about your name, Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82csxw/so_the_little_native_american_boy_asks_his_father/
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A black guy goes into a bar

A black guy walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. The white guy he sat next to says, "Hey! No colored people allowed in this bar!"
The black guy turns to him and says, "Excuse me? When I was born, I was black.
When I'm sick, I'm black.
When I'm cold, I'm black.
When I'm hot, I'm black.
And when I die, I'll still be black!
YOU on the other hand:
When you were born, you were pink.
When you're sick, you're green.
When you're cold, you're blue.
When you're hot, you're red.
And when you die you'll be grey.
And you call ME colored?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82csr7/a_black_guy_goes_into_a_bar/
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Piracy is like masturbation

everyone denies it, but everyone does it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82csh8/piracy_is_like_masturbation/
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Just found out I'm colorblind.

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82cr3j/just_found_out_im_colorblind/
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Came close to death this morning

Wanking in the cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82cpmj/came_close_to_death_this_morning/
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A man releases a genie

A man is walking along a beach in California when he finds a bottle. He opens it, and with a puff of smoke, a genie is released.
"As a reward for freeing me from the bottle," says the genie, "I'll grant you one wish."
The man thinks for a while and says "I've always wanted to visit Australia, but I'm scared of flying and get sea-sick on boats. My wish is for you to build a bridge from here to Australia, so I can drive over and visit.
The genie shakes his head and says "Do you have any idea what you're asking for? Do you know how many thousands of miles of ocean that is? The billions of tonnes of concrete and steel? The vast number of foundations needed! And crossing some of the wildest seas in the world... no, sorry, you have to choose another wish."
The man thinks for a moment and says, "In that case, I've always been confused by women. They say yes when they mean no, and no when they mean try again later, and ask questions they don't want to know the answer too. My wish is for me to understand how women think."
The genie looks at him and replies "Would you prefer a six or eight lane bridge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82coxv/a_man_releases_a_genie/
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There’s something I don’t get about a woman’s g spot.

I just can’t put my finger on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82co55/theres_something_i_dont_get_about_a_womans_g_spot/
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A man walks into a bar with his dog.

"This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?" he asks.
"You can have one on the house," the bartender says.
The man turns to his dog. "What goes on the top of a house?"
Dog: Roof.
Man: "What does tree bark feel like?"
Dog: Rough.
Man: "Who is the greatest baseball player ever?"
Dog: Ruth.
The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. "That's enough. You and your dog, get out."
After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner. "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82cmwp/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_dog/
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If we were at war with sea urchins from Yemen...

... we would have enemy Yemeni anemones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82clyu/if_we_were_at_war_with_sea_urchins_from_yemen/
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One-ply toilet paper is like seeing my uncle

At the end of the night, there's going to be a finger in my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82cktx/oneply_toilet_paper_is_like_seeing_my_uncle/
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What happened when students for the deaf and blind went to the Catholic Church?

Mass confusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82cj9x/what_happened_when_students_for_the_deaf_and/
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I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past.

It's partly why I became a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82cj6x/i_love_the_look_on_peoples_faces_standing_soaked/
%
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence.

As he jumped down he sneered at me, and I thought,
that's a little *condescending*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82chfb/there_was_a_prison_break_and_i_saw_a_midget_climb/
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Girl: Daddy, how are babies made?

Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mommy's tummy.
Girl: Does she swallow the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82cccm/girl_daddy_how_are_babies_made/
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I told my girlfriend that we could either see a movie or have sex

She said the movie was closed and she was on her period, so I decided to sneak in through the rear entrance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82c574/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_we_could_either_see_a/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Only one: they just put the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82c3ck/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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We should make an island for environmentalist...

We could call it. Mad at gas car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82c1h9/we_should_make_an_island_for_environmentalist/
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Rick Astley will let you borrow most of his Pixar movies,

but he's never gonna give you Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bw29/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_most_of_his_pixar/
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People always tell me I'm condescending

(That means talking down to people)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bv9w/people_always_tell_me_im_condescending/
%
A man hears voices

One day a man started hearing voices in his head telling him to leave his job and family and go to Vegas. He ignored it at first, but things were stressful at home so the next day when he heard it again, he took it as a sign and left everything behind.
As he approached Vegas, the voice in his head said, “Go to Caesar’s Palace,” so the man obliged, thinking he had nothing more to lose.
Once he stepped inside the casino, the voice commanded him to go to an ATM and take out everything he owned. At this point he was already so far into it, he figured this was his chance to risk it all for good.
With the money in hand, the voice said, “Go to the roulette table.”
The man wasn’t about to stop listening now. He approached the table and the worker asked for everyone’s bets. Now the voice said, “Put it all on black.”
So the man put it all on black. The ball rolled around for a bit and finally settled on a red space.
The voice in his head said, “Fuck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bv0c/a_man_hears_voices/
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Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
genie smiles–
Really?
Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bu85/husband_takes_his_wife_to_play_her_first_game_of/
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What do you call a Tide Pod that prevents war?

A nuclear detergent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bp9f/what_do_you_call_a_tide_pod_that_prevents_war/
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What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

An orca-stra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82body/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_killer_whales_playing/
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A man was into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke.
The bartender puts an apple down infront of him "Here you go mate."
The man looks confused "I asked for rum and coke, not fruit."
The bartender smiles slightly and simply says "Just try it, you might be suprised."
So the man takes a bite and to his suprise "Tastes just like rum!" The bartender replies "Turn it around."
The man turns the apple around and bites it "It's just like coke! This is delicious!"
Another man walks into the bar and sits down ordering a gin and tonic.
The bartender places another apple down and gets back to work "Excuse me" says the man "I didn't ask for this."
The first man says to him "Believe it, try a bite and you'll see."
The man takes a bite out of it with a grin "Tastes like gin!" The bartender turns back around "Now turn it around."
The man does as asked "Tastes just like tonic! this is my new favorite way to get drunk!"
A third man walks into the bar and sits down looking unsure
"What can I get you?" The bartender asks
The man sits pondering "I can't decided what I want."
The first man looks over and says "Whatever you want, they have an apple that tastes like it, anything!"
"In that case" The man starts "Do you have one that tastes like pussy?"
The bartender smiles, reaches underneath the bar and places an apple on the counter "Enjoy!"
The man picks it up and takes a bite, spitting it out a second later "That tastes like shit!" the man exclaims.
The bartender looks at him and says "Turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bobu/a_man_was_into_a_bar/
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A Guy Walks Into a Bar With a Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The man sits down at the bar, orders a drink, and immediately the monkey is running all around the bar, causing havoc. Before long, the monkey jumps over to the bar, grabs a bowl of pretzels, and gobbles them down without hesitation. Next, the monkey devours an entire jar of cocktail olives in seconds. Without a moment's pause, the monkey jumps over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it whole. The bartender is furious.
"Your monkey is trashing my bar!!" He fumes "First he eats all my pretzels, then all my olives, and then my cue ball! How are my customers supposed to play pool?"
"I understand," The man replies, "Don't worry, I'll pay for everything my monkey breaks."
Indeed, the man is true to his word. As soon as he finishes his drink, he collects his monkey, pays for everything, and leaves.
The next week, the same thing happens. Same man walks into the same bar with his monkey, he orders a drink, and the monkey goes wild. Suddenly, the monkey jumps to the bar, grabs a cherry, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. By now the bartender is livid.
"Did you see what your monkey just did!? He put a cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it! That's disgusting!!" He yells.
The man replies, "I know...ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he's been measuring everything first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bmus/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_monkey/
%
Why do rednecks only have missionary sex?

Because they refuse to turn their back on Family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bm6y/why_do_rednecks_only_have_missionary_sex/
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NSFW Very Rare, Indeed!

While in China , a man is very promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American doctor, always want oparate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!", the man exclaims.
"Yes,"says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week. Fall off by itself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bl2m/nsfw_very_rare_indeed/
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To not go off on a tangent

simply stay on the derivative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bi74/to_not_go_off_on_a_tangent/
%
What do communists make their beds with?

Lenin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bfov/what_do_communists_make_their_beds_with/
%
A man brings his wife to his first domestic abuse support group

As they sit down, the man beside him leans over and whispers in his ear:
"You hittin' that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82be44/a_man_brings_his_wife_to_his_first_domestic_abuse/
%
What did the Buddhist ask for when he walked into the pizza place?

One with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bds8/what_did_the_buddhist_ask_for_when_he_walked_into/
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In the year 2030,

space travel was expanding more than ever, and life science was seeing new revolutions every few weeks. Inventions in robotics and engineering were being created almost daily. But this new world came with a downside, the amount of harsh chemicals in the air were causing cancer to develop in people around the world many times more often than it usually does. A cure for cancer was discovered a few years before, a special substance called Lithium Phosphorus Thymine (or LPT for short). But this substance was extremely rare. It costs around 5 million dollars to construct one dose of the chemical. Most patients were required to take the medicine daily for at least a month before being cured. One test subject had to be treated with LPT for an entire year before recovering!
Obviously there was a problem. Humanity needed an easier way to obtain this substance. Millions of lives depended on it. And the answer came with space travel. After exploring an asteroid near earth, astronauts discovered something amazing, an enormous crystal of pure LPT, created by residual chemicals in the meteor reacting with the intense cold of space. Soon, more and more of these LPT-rich asteroids were being discovered and shipped back to earth, and cancer was eventually cured.
It all goes to show that the real LPT is in the comets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bct1/in_the_year_2030/
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How do you make a blueberry?

You strangle a pea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bcnf/how_do_you_make_a_blueberry/
%
Did you hear the one about the guy who hated coal?

Never mined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bcdb/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_guy_who_hated_coal/
%
Women complaining about menstrual cramps...

...are simply ovary acting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82bbz9/women_complaining_about_menstrual_cramps/
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"Hey dad I lost my virginity!"

"That's great son, come sit next to me"
"I can't my butt hurts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82b3au/hey_dad_i_lost_my_virginity/
%
Three Cowboys are gathered around a fire...

It’s a lonesome night on the prairie, three cowboys with the bravado in which cowboys are famous are gathered around a fire, and a night of tall tales commences...
The first cowboy says “Just the other day, a bull got loose on the coral and gouged six men before I wrestled him down with my bare hands, broke his neck! Here I am to tell the tale.”
The second cowboy, not at all impressed... “Why that’s nothin! Just yesterday, a 7 foot rattler jumped for my neck! I grabbed him, looked him in the eyes, then I hit his head off, sucked down all his venom, and here I am heathy as an ox.”
The third cowboy sat there quietly, stirring the coals with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82b28n/three_cowboys_are_gathered_around_a_fire/
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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

He got caught fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82azt2/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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William Shatner decides to discontinue womenswear and lingerie line.

Apparently “Shatner Panties” wasn’t that big of a hit.
(Credit to KS95)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82aych/william_shatner_decides_to_discontinue_womenswear/
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What's the difference between a Yankee stadium hotdog and a Fenway park hotdog?

You can buy a Yankee stadium hotdog in October

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82au6x/whats_the_difference_between_a_yankee_stadium/
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NSFW She's Probably Right

A professor at the University of Oklahoma was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
Her answer: "He's probably at the shooting range with his buddies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82amio/nsfw_shes_probably_right/
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Don’t worry

A man is set to go hunting for the first time, understandably a bit nervous.  As he is about to leave the lodge he sees an old wise native.
He asks the native for advice, “what do I do if I see a bear?”
“Don’t worry” says the native
“But what if it sees me?”
“Don’t worry”
“What if the bear starts running at me?”
“Don’t worry”
“What if it’s almost at me?”
“Don’t worry”
“What if it stops a foot in front of me and let’s out a massive roar?”
“Then through some shit in it’s face” replied the old native.
Confused, the hunter asks, “Where do I get the shit from?”
“Don’t worry”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82amcu/dont_worry/
%
A goat, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff...

Baa Dum Tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82akmu/a_goat_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
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I bent down in a bar.

"Excuse me," said the girl next to me. "Are you looking up my skirt?"
I said, "No, no I'm tying my shoelace."
She said, "You're wearing Crocs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82aiwg/i_bent_down_in_a_bar/
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I haven't made my mind up about masturbation...

I mean, on one hand it feels good...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82ae6p/i_havent_made_my_mind_up_about_masturbation/
%
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall to her.

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82a9pt/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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If someone steals my Tesla...

... does it become an Edison?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82a6zb/if_someone_steals_my_tesla/
%
I was invited to Broadway show called Vocabulary and I had to go.

I never pass up a good play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82a63n/i_was_invited_to_broadway_show_called_vocabulary/
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A joke a friend told me

A zoologist and a drunk guy walk into a bar, the zoologist has a small crocodile when he sits down he puts the crocodile in the counter.
And the bartender was like "Get that crocodile off my bar".
The zoologist replies "Don't worry, he is not dangerous". And so he opens the crocodile's mouth and puts his dick on it. Five minutes go by "See nothing" says the zoologist "Anyone wants to give it a shot?"
The drunk guy answered "Me but I don't think I can hold my mouth open for that much time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82a61v/a_joke_a_friend_told_me/
%
What did the Italian say after the hail storm?

"My car! issa Al Dente."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829zyc/what_did_the_italian_say_after_the_hail_storm/
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The year is 1945...

The Soviet army is pushing closer to Berlin with each day. As they march closer, they start to find the concentration camps. In one of these camps, a Polish man with a limited knowledge of the Russian language is talking to Russian military officers about the camps, with assistance from a translator. As he explains, he reaches a word he doesn't know, and turns to the translator.
"How do you say civilians?"
"Acceptable casualties."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829xz6/the_year_is_1945/
%
Do you wanna know how dark my humor is?

It picks cotton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829vj5/do_you_wanna_know_how_dark_my_humor_is/
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A guy wins the lottery...

...and comes home to his wife. "Honey! I just won the lottery! Quick, pack your bags!" His wife is totally shocked and flustered. She asks "Well where are we going? To the Caribbean? Are we going skiing? I need to know what to pack?" The guy responds... "I don't care what you pack. Just get the hell out of here!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829v62/a_guy_wins_the_lottery/
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A man went to church...

And afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand and say
"Preacher, ill tell you, that was a damned good fine sermon. Damned good."
The preacher said
"Thank you, sir, but Id rather you didn't use that sort of language in the house of the lord."
The man said
"I was so damn impressed with that sermon I put $5,000 in the collection plate."
The preacher said
"No shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829s3l/a_man_went_to_church/
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When can a woman make you a millionaire?

When you're a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829nu5/when_can_a_woman_make_you_a_millionaire/
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It’s 1/4 funny 😄

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a super bowl game. They had great seats right behind their teams bench.
After the game he asked her how she liked it.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied. “I just don’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents”
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked,
“What do you mean?”
“Well they flipped a quarter, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...‘get the quarterback!, get the quarterback!’ I’m like Hellooooo, it’s only 25 cents!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829io8/its_14_funny/
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Guido and the blonde

A virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This
time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You
finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer
to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman
unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn
his head, he looked into her eyes smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his
ear..... "No, I Norwegian!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829iga/guido_and_the_blonde/
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People say congress is in a stalemate, but that isn’t true

In order for a stalemate you need black pieces

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829ide/people_say_congress_is_in_a_stalemate_but_that/
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Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829huu/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_view_mirrors/
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I was told I have a problem with planning ahead.

I’m not sure when I’ll deal with that, but I’ll find the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829gy0/i_was_told_i_have_a_problem_with_planning_ahead/
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The redditor of all the land sits on his throne

A line of people are waiting to tell him their problems.
The first one walks in.
“I was milking my cow and I realized how annoying and useless it seemed”
The king said “Go follow into the room on the right, and sit on the couch.”
A second person walks in.
“I was doing schoolwork when I started becoming so tired and and sleepy.”
The king said “Go follow into the room on the right, and grab A drink and sit on the couch”
A third person walks in.
“I was trying to find a show to watch and nothing seems interesting and everything seemed distatesful.”
The king said “Go follow into the room on the right, and grab a drink and sit on the couch and watch the T.V.”
After an hour. The three people came back filled with energy. The all seemed content.
The king said, “All three of you leave this country immediately for insubordination!”
“Why?” They asked, “All we did was have a break, drink Mountain Dew, Netflix and chill bro,”
A guard off to the side said “He is the OP... username checks out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829gwl/the_redditor_of_all_the_land_sits_on_his_throne/
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Marriage is like a card game. You start with two hearts and a diamond...

But in the end you need a club and a spade...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829e2s/marriage_is_like_a_card_game_you_start_with_two/
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What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt, bro!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829d9p/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
%
A new life form is discovered on a nearby planet

It's a huge humanoid figure, almost 200 feet tall while seated.  It's just sitting there.  The rise and fall of the creature's chest is evident, but it doesn't seem to do anything else.
Scientists come from all over to investigate this strange being.  They become more and more frustrated at the total lack of movement from the creature.  Finally, one of the scientist looks up at the creature and shouts out.
"Do you think we will ever understand you?!!?"
The creature suddenly started moving.  He rose ponderously onto his two enormous feet.  His hand rubbed his chin.  Then finally said..  "No."
The being resumed its previous position.  The scientist slapped his forehead and said "OF COURSE!!  It only stands to reason!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829cis/a_new_life_form_is_discovered_on_a_nearby_planet/
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A guy shows up late to work. The boss yells, ‘YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE AT 8:30!’.

He replies, ‘why, what happened at 8:30?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829c91/a_guy_shows_up_late_to_work_the_boss_yells_you/
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What's the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend?

The knife has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/829b0h/whats_the_difference_between_arguing_with_a_knife/
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Doctor looking at X-Ray: This is exactly what i was afraid of

Me: what?
Doctor: Skeletons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8298v3/doctor_looking_at_xray_this_is_exactly_what_i_was/
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Where does the mansplainer get his water?

From the “well, actually”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8295ud/where_does_the_mansplainer_get_his_water/
%
What do you call a heterosexual Native American?

Straight savage, my dude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8291ha/what_do_you_call_a_heterosexual_native_american/
%
Three Apple employees have been injured walking into glass within the first month of opening their new $5bn head quarters.

Meanwhile 3 factory employees making Apple phones have been injured since the start of this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8291dd/three_apple_employees_have_been_injured_walking/
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A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/828w4x/a_woman_was_arrested_for_bringing_her_own_popcorn/
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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.
Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...
"Want to make a bet while we wait?" The Gambler asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you."
The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks.
"Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line.
Next, the gambler taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts.
"This one's easy!" the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!"
Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line.
Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made.
"Okay, let's see..." The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He's a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes.
The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. "You ain't taking me alive!"
The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with.
The gambler holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "Fuck the police!"
Wrong again. The gambler's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before.
Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!"
The man steps aside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/828w4o/a_gambler_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Why are dogs so good at finding anarchists?

They are great at tracking dissent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/828tf9/why_are_dogs_so_good_at_finding_anarchists/
%
The Shape of Water?

More like Grinding Nemo, amirite?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/828p35/the_shape_of_water/
%
When one door closes...

An incognito window opens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/828ozt/when_one_door_closes/
%
life is like a box of chocolates

Fat people finish it faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/828eu8/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says:

Man: "Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?"
Fisherman: "One with a white dress with black stripes?"
Man: "Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?"
Fisherman: "I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/828d6u/a_fisherman_is_fishing_by_the_river_shore_when_a/
%
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

It's two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/828ab0/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
%
What do Winnie the Pooh and Alexander the Great have in common?

Their middle name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82868c/what_do_winnie_the_pooh_and_alexander_the_great/
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People say I'm killing it at work lately

Might be a bad thing considering I'm a doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82849s/people_say_im_killing_it_at_work_lately/
%
What are eggs?

Chickens in a nutshell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827zkk/what_are_eggs/
%
A man walks into the vet with his dog in his arms... [Long]

He brings the dog up to the counter and says "I need to see a vet, my dog won't wake up!" So the secretary brings him to an inspection room and he says the same thing to the vet "My dog won't wake up, he's been like this since yesterday!". The vet inspects the dog and can conclude only one thing. "Sir I'm sorry to tell you but your dog is dead" the man was in dismay "No it can't be! There must be some type of test you can do to make sure!". The vet thinks for a minute then gets the secretary to bring in a yellow lab. The lab sniffs at the dog a little bit and then sits down with no reaction. "See?" Said the vet, but the man was not convinced so the vet brought in a Persian kitty who did much the same as the lab. Sniffed the dog for a minute then sat down with no reaction. "Told you" said the vet "Alright I guess you're right" replied the man with sorrow in his voice "How much do I owe you?". "250$ plus tax" said the vet casually "250!? Just for you telling me my dog is dead?" The man was in shock. "Well" the vet responded "It was only gonna be 50 but the lab work and the catscan costs extra."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827zim/a_man_walks_into_the_vet_with_his_dog_in_his_arms/
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If someone steals a Tesla...

Does it become an Edison?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827x4x/if_someone_steals_a_tesla/
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Son : Dad, how does stars die ?

Dad: Usually an overdose .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827ucc/son_dad_how_does_stars_die/
%
Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.

He took great care of it , and was graded “A” for nurturing the pet so well. However shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment , the gecko escaped and went missing.
Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple weeks of searching went by to no avail.
Then one day Hagrid comes running up to Harry, holding what looks like a portable cage with a scaly looking animal inside.
“What’s this?” An excited looking Potter asks.
“Your A lizard, Harry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827qwb/harry_potter_for_a_magical_creatures_lesson_had/
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I told my wife a joke when I got home.

And then heard the guy under the bed laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827qgn/i_told_my_wife_a_joke_when_i_got_home/
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Being an elevator operator is hard work...

But hey, every job has its ups and downs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827nmj/being_an_elevator_operator_is_hard_work/
%
A programmer is going to the grocery store.....

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827kuk/a_programmer_is_going_to_the_grocery_store/
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Cigarette packets says “smoking kills” so I stopped smoking them

I just smoke the ones that seriously damage health instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827kqo/cigarette_packets_says_smoking_kills_so_i_stopped/
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Three women are running from the cops

after robbing a bank. One is blonde, one is redheaded, and the other of course is a brunette. After running through some wooded area, they come to a clearing and try to hide in a barn. When they get inside they see a few straw sacks lying on the ground. They decide to hide inside them.
One officer checks the barn, and all looks fine but he can tell there is something in a few of the sacks. He goes over the first one, not knowing the brunette is inside and nudges it. Very cleverly, the brunette lets out a soft "meow, meow", and he thinks to himself oh it's just some kittens. He goes over to the second sack with the red head and gives it a nudge. "Woof, Woof" she yells a little louder. He realizes it's a dog and moves to the one containing the blonde and gives it a little kick. The blonde cries out loud "POTATOES, POTATOES"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827kps/three_women_are_running_from_the_cops/
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I keep submitting jokes to Reddit but none of them get popular. Last week I posted ten puns!

I thought at least one of them would get trending.
As it turned out, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827iuz/i_keep_submitting_jokes_to_reddit_but_none_of/
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What did Chuck Norris tell his father when he left for college?

“You’re the man of the house now”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827hf1/what_did_chuck_norris_tell_his_father_when_he/
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Painfully bad joke my younger brother told me.

What do you call an expert on marine life? An aFISHionado.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827h1r/painfully_bad_joke_my_younger_brother_told_me/
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A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827h02/a_guy_goes_to_a_psychiatrist/
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Why do Ants never get sick?

Because they have Anty Bodies. :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827gn3/why_do_ants_never_get_sick/
%
Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners instead of 90 degree angles?

If they were 90 degrees the ice would melt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827gm4/why_do_hockey_rinks_have_rounded_corners_instead/
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I have sexDaily

I meant Dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/827f2b/i_have_sexdaily/
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Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/825gaq/father_son_you_were_adopted/
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I really love Harry Potter, but after re-reading the deathday party, I realized something about Nearly Headless Nick...

He was a very poorly executed character.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8251rn/i_really_love_harry_potter_but_after_rereading/
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The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.
Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on stage.
A minute or so passes and the bee buzzes its wings. The judge leans forward and angles his ear towards the bee. He nods his head in agreement, lifts his other arm up and points directly at contestant six.
A voice booms over the audience, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. CONTESTANT 6...PLEASE STEP FORWARD!!"
A barely audible round of applause is heard as contestant 6 waddles her way to the front of the stage. Shes 300lb, a short, hairy, sweaty mess of a woman.
Contestant 2 turns to contestant 3 and says, "What kind of pageant is this!? It doesn't seem to matter what you look like!"
Contestant 3 looks at her and replies, "I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee holder".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/824zlg/the_contestants_of_the_nashville_beauty_pageant/
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The secret to Pavlov's hair?

Just a classical conditioner.
(I hope the name rings a bell)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/824vls/the_secret_to_pavlovs_hair/
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My mom always used to say "50 is the new 20!"

Lovely woman, lost her driver's license...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/824vbe/my_mom_always_used_to_say_50_is_the_new_20/
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My son told me a joke and I thought I would share it with you all!

My mom said I couldn’t get a frozen yogurt.  She said “do you think I’m made of money?”
Then I said, “isn’t that what mom stands for?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/824sw7/my_son_told_me_a_joke_and_i_thought_i_would_share/
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What do 2 communists have in common

Everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/824s5q/what_do_2_communists_have_in_common/
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This sub is full of reposts, so let me give you something you can't find.

A girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/824pzk/this_sub_is_full_of_reposts_so_let_me_give_you/
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Why do midgets laugh while running through the field?

The grass tickles their nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/824p21/why_do_midgets_laugh_while_running_through_the/
%
Why did the rock jump of the cliff?

It wanted to be boulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/824o0t/why_did_the_rock_jump_of_the_cliff/
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What a dumb blonde... wait......

Blonde goes into a bank
Blonde: I need a loan for $5,000.
Bank-teller: We'll need some sort of deposit.
Blonde: Ok, here's the keys to my car (Mercedes-Benz S600)
Blonde leaves
Bank-teller(laughing): She's so stupid! Leaving a $100,000 car as a deposit for a $5,000 loan.
Bank-teller parks car in secret underground parking garage. Then he does research on the blonde and finds out she's a multimillionaire.
Bank-teller: She's an idiot! Why would she borrow $5,000 if she's a multimillionaire?
Two weeks later
Blonde comes back and pays bank-teller $5,000 with $15.41 interest
Bank-teller: Why would you borrow $5,000 and leave an expensive car here if you're a multimillionaire?
Blonde: Where else in New York City can you park a $100,000 car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it not to get stolen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/824ip7/what_a_dumb_blonde_wait/
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Wana hear a joke about ghosts?

Yes? Thats the spirit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/824il0/wana_hear_a_joke_about_ghosts/
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Why did the Borg cross the road?

Because it assimilated the chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/824gdb/why_did_the_borg_cross_the_road/
%
Two Priests decided to go to Greece on vacation

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a bikini
came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said: 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied,
Father, it's me, Sister Beatrice!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8249zr/two_priests_decided_to_go_to_greece_on_vacation/
%
So Hellen Keller walked into a bar...

and a table, and a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8247kn/so_hellen_keller_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Worldwide survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8246h6/worldwide_survey/
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Did you hear about the Native American who drank 200 cups of tea?

He nearly drowned in his own tea pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/823yei/did_you_hear_about_the_native_american_who_drank/
%
TIL listening to metal music can give you heavy metal poisoning

It's because of the lead singer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/823tmo/til_listening_to_metal_music_can_give_you_heavy/
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Child murder jokes are always funny

Because they never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/823llt/child_murder_jokes_are_always_funny/
%
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with large breasts?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
Credit: my friends dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/823kmn/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_stop_and/
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Fifty bucks is fifty bucks

A man and his wife went to the fair every year, and every year there was a helicopter ride there. The man would always plead with his wife to ride the helicopter.
She was tight with money and would always refuse because the ride cost 50 fifty bucks saying ”50 bucks is 50 bucks”.
One year the helicopter pilot heard the man pleading with his wife to ride the helicopter and decided to butt in.
He said “I’ll make you a deal, I’ll give y’all a free ride if you don’t say anything or make any noise through the entire ride.” The man talked to his and convincing her that they could do this and get a free ride, she accepted the offer.
The helicopter pilot was well trained in doing tricks and stunts to make the rides exciting for his customers, so because his offer, he pulled out all the stops to try and make the man and his wife scream and have to pay for the ride. This included flying in loopy-loops and the such.
Finally, the pilot had done all he could and decided the couple were not going to break their silence, so he told them on the way back to the landing zone that he was really impressed with their silence and would keep his agreement for the free ride.
The man then said “Yeah, I almost said something when Esther fell out three loops in, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/823j7v/fifty_bucks_is_fifty_bucks/
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A black mother has five kids: Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How does she tell them apart?

By their last names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/823iqv/a_black_mother_has_five_kids_tyrone_tyrone_tyrone/
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You know that tingly sensation you get when you fall in love with somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/823iez/you_know_that_tingly_sensation_you_get_when_you/
%
I called a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia

They got excited and asked me if I knew how to fly a plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/823gh0/i_called_a_suicide_hotline_in_saudi_arabia/
%
Put 100 lesbians and 100 government workers in a room, what do you get?

200 people who don't do dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/823epy/put_100_lesbians_and_100_government_workers_in_a/
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What's black and doesn't work?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/823e4u/whats_black_and_doesnt_work/
%
I’ve been dating this girl whose psycho ex-boyfriend is a plumber.

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/823ds4/ive_been_dating_this_girl_whose_psycho/
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What do you call a dinosaur with clean teeth?

A Flossaraptor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8238lp/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_with_clean_teeth/
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I always leave a penny on the toilet lid after I take a dump

Just so that a cent is covering the odor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82357z/i_always_leave_a_penny_on_the_toilet_lid_after_i/
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Smallpox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82350k/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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A man looking to join the Texas sheriffs is being interviewed for the job

The deputy doing the interview says, "Well all of your referrences check out and your qualifications are good. The only thing left is to see how you do on the attitude test."
The deputy slides a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk. "Take this and go shoot 6 illegal Mexicans, 6 black guys, 6 Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
The guy asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude!", says the deputy. "When can you start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/822zfi/a_man_looking_to_join_the_texas_sheriffs_is_being/
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I tried joining a lumberjack site for some strength tips

I couldn't log in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/822uh2/i_tried_joining_a_lumberjack_site_for_some/
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when a girl changes her clothes in front of you...

shes either really interested in you, or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/822pnn/when_a_girl_changes_her_clothes_in_front_of_you/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He really hates gingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/822p9a/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_kkk_member/
%
I had a court date this month. I screamed about my innocence and begged them for mercy.

I did not get picked for jury duty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/822oz8/i_had_a_court_date_this_month_i_screamed_about_my/
%
My chameleon couldn’t change colors, so I took him to the vet…

Poor guy was diagnosed with ereptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/822ls1/my_chameleon_couldnt_change_colors_so_i_took_him/
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Two Australians walk into a shady biker bar..

..somewhere in Texas. Inside of course is the whole gang drinking,  music stops, crickets...
The boss of the gang asks:
“Did you come here to die?”
Australians respond:
“No, we came in yesterday “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/822lfk/two_australians_walk_into_a_shady_biker_bar/
%
Why did the stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn’t find the droid he was looking for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/822kd3/why_did_the_stormtrooper_buy_an_iphone/
%
They all laughed when I told them that one day I’d discover the secret to invisibility

If only they could see me now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/822dfb/they_all_laughed_when_i_told_them_that_one_day_id/
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Being ugly isn’t a joke

But if it was I’d be very funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/822app/being_ugly_isnt_a_joke/
%
I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Actually, it's more of a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8226e2/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
%
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?

April Fools! I'm not really dead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8222tw/what_did_jesus_say_when_he_rose_from_the_dead_on/
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A man witnesses a murder

The police bring him in to a sketch artist, the sketch artist asks him questions about the murderer until he finishes his drawing. The sketch artist then asks the man "does this look like the murderer?" the man replies with "it's  an awful good drawing and all, but it looks nothing like the picture I took".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8220jy/a_man_witnesses_a_murder/
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. That’s not a very complex peom.

But it’s pretty deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821ujg/i_dig_you_dig_we_dig_he_dig_she_dig_they_dig/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

When they do they call me ugly AND poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821ub0/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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You know what the problem with the school for the deaf is

Nobody listens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821tm8/you_know_what_the_problem_with_the_school_for_the/
%
So a little kid is going through his mothers purse and takes out her drivers lincense...

....his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him
the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"
she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"
"and what is that?" says his mother
"you're old" says the kid
"and i learned your height"
"which is?' says the mother
"your really tall" he says
"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"
"and, i learned your weight" he says
"and what is that?" asks the mother
"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says
the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"
"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"
"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"
"because, you got an f in sex"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821smf/so_a_little_kid_is_going_through_his_mothers/
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What did the cable say when he was bullied by another cable?

"Wire you so mean!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821pcy/what_did_the_cable_say_when_he_was_bullied_by/
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What's the best thing about having alzeimhers disease?

You can hide your own easter eggs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821ozs/whats_the_best_thing_about_having_alzeimhers/
%
Dads are like boomerangs

I wish I had a boomerang :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821m88/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
What do you call a dog with no arms or legs?

Doesn’t matter. It’s not gonna come to you anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821knm/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_arms_or_legs/
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How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821joc/how_did_the_man_with_no_arms_commit_suicide/
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Why was there music coming from the printer?

Because the paper was jamming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821ir3/why_was_there_music_coming_from_the_printer/
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A kindergarten teacher asked her students to each bring something that they like.

Bobby shares first. "I brought a bone, because I love my dog." "That's great," says the teacher. "Mary, you're next."
Meanwhile, at the back of the classroom, Jerry takes off all his clothes and wears a giant USSR flag, as everyone stares.
Mary brings forward a plant and says, "I brought a plant because I like nature." "Wonderful," says the teacher, "Now how about William?" Now, Jerry pulls out a giant leprechaun hat and puts it on his head, while putting on a Batman mask. Everyone is looking at Jerry now.
Next, William takes out a hockey puck. "I really like playing hockey!" But the teacher isn't even paying attention anymore. "Okay Jerry, how about you tell us what you like?"
Jerry responds, "I like antijokes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821ha5/a_kindergarten_teacher_asked_her_students_to_each/
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You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

Because there is luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821gwk/you_can_tell_monopoly_is_an_old_game/
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"I'm a socialist drinker!" The bartender chuckled and asked me, "Don't you mean social drinker?"

"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821f2h/im_a_socialist_drinker_the_bartender_chuckled_and/
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A mom takes her son to the doctor one day.

The mom says, "my child's knee hurts." The doctor says, "okay you should take him to the nephrologist then."
The mom looks confused and is about to ask why, when the doctor says, "... it's a kid-nee problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821doa/a_mom_takes_her_son_to_the_doctor_one_day/
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Why is March woman's history month?

It's the only month that tells you what to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/821cox/why_is_march_womans_history_month/
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The Cross eyed Cow

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow’s butt, and blew into the tube until the cow’s eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow’s eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow’s butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow’s butt and started to blow.
“What are you doing?” asked the farmer, horrified.
“Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8217yd/the_cross_eyed_cow/
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10 Minutes Late

There was a man named Schumacher who got a new job. His co-workers always met for a round of golf every Sunday. They asked Schumacher to meet them at 9.00 A.M. Sunday morning. Schumacher replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Sunday morning Schumacher was there at exactly 9:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Sunday rolls around, and Schumacher says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next weeks, with Schumacher always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
His co-workers are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ”Hey Schumi, every Sunday you say you may be 10 minutes late. You never be late. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?”
Schumacher replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Sunday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.”
”Well,” one of his friend asked, ”What happens if she is laying on her back?” Schumacher answers, ”Then I am 10 minutes late.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8216s8/10_minutes_late/
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What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both like to pop a nice cold one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8216du/what_do_an_alcoholic_and_a_necrophiliac_have_in/
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My two weed dealers started working together.

In other words, they engaged in a joint venture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8212p8/my_two_weed_dealers_started_working_together/
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Little Johnny comes home late...

and his mother angrily asks him where he was.
'I was at my friend's watching a movie' says Johnny.
'Don't lie to me, I called his mother and she told me you weren't there'.
'Okay okay, I was in a strip club'.
'Oh my god.. did you see something you shouldn't have?'
'Yes, I saw dad'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/820w7x/little_johnny_comes_home_late/
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If you take acid at a track meet...

is it a field trip?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/820tub/if_you_take_acid_at_a_track_meet/
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What do you call a wizard that keeps falling over?

Stumbledore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/820sl0/what_do_you_call_a_wizard_that_keeps_falling_over/
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A man and his wife are driving down a highway...

...and the man is not wearing his seatbelt. He cruises down the Interstate when he notices a couple of cops seated by the road. Quickly, the man reaches for his seatbelt and continues to drive. Unfortunately for him, the cops have already spotted him and have started to catch up to him. The sirens start blowing, and he gets pulled over to the side.
The cops knock on his windows, and it rolls down. "Sir, why were you driving without your seatbelt?"
The man says in retaliation, "Excuse me, but I *WAS* wearing my seatbelt. I have been wearing it since I started driving, mind you."
The cops fought this argument: "We distinctly saw you driving unsafely, without a seatbelt."
The man quickly retorts, "No, I ASSURE you that I was wearing my seatbelt. Are we done here?"
They keep up the banter for a little while, until the man finally says, "If you don't believe me, ask my dear wife sitting beside me."
So the cops look at his wife. "Ma'am, is he telling the truth? Was he really wearing his seatbelt?"
The wife looks at the cops, and calmly says, "I have been married to my husband for over forty years. I have learned many things while being married to him. Many of these lessons I have learned have helped me throughout these years.
"And one of the things I have learned, is to never argue with him while he is drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/820r85/a_man_and_his_wife_are_driving_down_a_highway/
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A woman posts an ad in the paper looking for a patner

In the ad, the woman stats that the man has to be loving, loyal, and good in bed. After 2 weeks of no one responding to the ad she starts to lose hope of ever finding a lover. The next day her doorbell bell rings, the woman opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs on her porch. The man had seen her ad and starts listing why he is her perfect partner; "I have no arms, so I can never beat you and I have no legs, so I can never leave you." The woman asks "But are you good in bed?" And he says "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/820p07/a_woman_posts_an_ad_in_the_paper_looking_for_a/
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A redditor is searching for the funniest joke of all time, so he subscribes to r/jokes.

After a short while, and a few small chuckles, he realises he's reading the same shit over and over again, post after post.
"I'm never going to find a real joke", he thinks.
He sighs and tilts his head in dismay. Looking down he starts to read the thread and it hits him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/820njh/a_redditor_is_searching_for_the_funniest_joke_of/
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Fellowship of the ring

As the fellowship of the ring was being formed Bilbo had been eavisdropping outside of the meeting, not being able to help his curiosity.
He had heard young Frodo take upon himself the burden of the ring, Sam, Merry and Pippin joining him on the foolish quest. Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and Boromir adding to the fellowship with his long time friend Gandalf.
Bilbo couldn't feel but guilty for letting Frodo take the burden of the ring, so he also stood up and joined the meeting to announce he would take the ring to Mordor instead of Frodo.
After a lot of discussion and Bilbo assuring Gandalf he was up to the task it was eventually setled. Bilbo would take the ring to Mordor.
The fellowship set off on their quest, the odds against them. As they reached Moria they were swarmed by orcs, Bilbo took a hit to the head and was stabbed by a sword but in the end the fellowship escaped. Losing Gandalf in the process to the Balrog and Bilbo being slashed by the flaming whip.
Later the fellowship got ambushed by orcs from Isengard. Boromir died in the ambush and Bilbo got hit by an arrow.
Bilbo and Sam got lost from rest of the fellowship and kept going by themselves towards Mordor.
As the journey went on, Bilbo to Sam's surprise kept up to pace. He didn't even seem to mind his old wounds nor the new ones he got. Being bit by a nazgul's foul flying beast, the giant spider tossed him around the cave and even Gollum attacked them in the end biting two of Bilbo's fingers off.
But Bilbo endured and threw the ring in the fires of Mordor, finally destroying Sauron.
Back in Shire Sam was telling their adventure to Frodo who listened in awe. As Sam finished his story Frodo gazed at Bilbo amazed. "How did you keep on going? How did you not succumb to the pain?"
Bilbo just shrugged and grumbled to Frodo "Old hobbits die hard I guess"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/820kj2/fellowship_of_the_ring/
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A daughter asked her mum: Mom what's an orgasm?

She answered: I don't know, ask your dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/820fvp/a_daughter_asked_her_mum_mom_whats_an_orgasm/
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What do you call a train that is imaginary?

A train of thought

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/820bir/what_do_you_call_a_train_that_is_imaginary/
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I said to this Blonde Girl, I bet you a blow job I can sing a song with your name in it, she said OK you are on, my name is Susan.

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Susan, Happy Birthday to You. You're the 14th Blonde I have sang to this week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8208wz/i_said_to_this_blonde_girl_i_bet_you_a_blow_job_i/
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What do you call a Russian jet?

A jet-ski

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8208bd/what_do_you_call_a_russian_jet/
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I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend.

We weren't seeing eye-to-eye and she was seeing some dude on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8205tv/i_broke_up_with_my_crosseyed_girlfriend/
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The doctor brings the newborn baby to the father and says “sorry but your wife didn’t make it”

The new dad replies “well then bring me the one she made then!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/82015p/the_doctor_brings_the_newborn_baby_to_the_father/
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What’s the difference between LSD sold by an overweight transgender person and a food that raises bad cholesterol?

Nothing. They’re both **trans fatty acid**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8200a7/whats_the_difference_between_lsd_sold_by_an/
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A guy has been asking the prettiest girk in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"Yuck," she screams, "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "well, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says, "what do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that." So he pulls his tool out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears, and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?" she cries out.
"TAKE... YOUR... THUMB... OFF... THE... END."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81zwbo/a_guy_has_been_asking_the_prettiest_girk_in_town/
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"When one door closes another door opens" he said

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81zuax/when_one_door_closes_another_door_opens_he_said/
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I've invented a way of getting my motorbike going without a battery.

I'm going to do a kickstarter for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81zu4z/ive_invented_a_way_of_getting_my_motorbike_going/
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There's a website that gives book recommendations on what subreddits you browse the most

I picked /r/jokes and I got *Plagarism: What It is and How to Stop It*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81zqh9/theres_a_website_that_gives_book_recommendations/
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Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They got 6 months each.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81zlop/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_who_stole_a/
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Every night, before bed, a little girl prays...

The first night she prays: “Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodnight Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa”
The next day the grandfather dies
The second night she prays: “Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodbye Grandma”
The next day the grandmother dies.
The next night she prays: “Goodnight Mommy. Goodbye Daddy”
The father hears this and goes into an immediate panic. He spends the following day with extra precautions, worried that it could happen at any moment, but nothing happens.
Upon arriving home, the father tells his wife about his day and she replied: “You thought you had a bad day?!? The milkman dropped dead on our front porch this morning!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81zlna/every_night_before_bed_a_little_girl_prays/
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I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" “Yesterday." I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81zh7j/i_told_a_girl_in_the_pub_about_my_ability_to/
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I’d love to make a Chemistry joke

But it’s a shame all of the good ones Argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81zh1o/id_love_to_make_a_chemistry_joke/
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What did the sewer maintenance guy say after his light went out?

*"I can't see shit!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81zdnu/what_did_the_sewer_maintenance_guy_say_after_his/
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Did you know California supplies 2/3 of the nations fruits and nuts?

And a lot of produce too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81zckh/did_you_know_california_supplies_23_of_the/
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Blind hookers

You gotta hand it to em

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81z9p1/blind_hookers/
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I just found out my wife has been having an affair with a midget...

How could she stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81z7zl/i_just_found_out_my_wife_has_been_having_an/
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Why don’t gay cruises sink?

They’re too flambouyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81z6w2/why_dont_gay_cruises_sink/
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Someone asked me whether I know what is produced when Nitrogen oxidizes.

I said NO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81z60o/someone_asked_me_whether_i_know_what_is_produced/
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Self-deprecating humor is the best

Except for mine. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81z052/selfdeprecating_humor_is_the_best/
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Who was the fattest knight at King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference...
He ate too much Pi...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81yr8b/who_was_the_fattest_knight_at_king_arthurs_round/
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I had my first threesome last night!

There were a couple no-shows, but despite that it was a fun time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81yqs2/i_had_my_first_threesome_last_night/
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A rapist, a bigot, and a pathological liar walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What'll you have, Mr. President?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81yqmw/a_rapist_a_bigot_and_a_pathological_liar_walk/
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An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good...

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good but he can't let his people down so when they ask him if snow is coming he tells them.
"I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood and the new shaman goes to "Talk with the spirits" by walking through the woods, crossing the highway, finding a payphone and calling the weather service.
"Will it snow soon?" He asks.
"Yes" they reply, and it looks like it'll be very bad.
So he crosses back over the highway and through the woods back to his tribe.
"The spirits have spoken!" He told them "The snow will be coming soon and be very bad, we must prepare and cut more lumber!"
For the next week the tribe works night and day cutting firewood. It no snow comes and they approached the new shaman again.
"We see no signs of snow" they cried "The spirits must be wrong. Please go and make sure they said it would snow."
"I will go and speak with the spirits again. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe continues cutting wood and the new shaman goes to "Talk with the spirits" by walking through the woods, crossing the highway, finding a payphone and calling the weather service.
"Are you sure  it will snow soon?" He asks.
"Yes" they reply, and it looks like it'll be very bad.much worse than we thought the first time."
So he crosses back over the highway and through the woods back to his tribe.
"It will be a terrible snow! We must work harder to ensure our survival this winter!" He told the tribe. And so the tribe worked even harder, clearing the land for firewood but still the snow never came.
A week later the the tribe approached the shaman again.
"Surely this must be enough firewood, we've cut down so many of our trees and still no snow.Please make sure the spirits are correct."
"I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood and the new shaman goes to "Talk with the spirits" by walking through the woods, crossing the highway, finding a payphone and calling the weather service.
"Are you positive it will snow soon?" He asks.
"Yes, dreadfully bad! Impossibly bad!" they reply.
"How can you tell it will be so bad?" He asks
"Well our maps don't show a cloud in the sky but the local Indian tribe has cut down half a damn forest for firewood!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81yq20/an_indian_shaman_dies_and_his_only_student_isnt/
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A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81yp5e/a_tough_looking_group_of_hairy_bikers_are_riding/
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A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments.

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81yn9c/a_group_of_friars_were_behind_on_their_belfry/
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My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81yk0r/my_wife_got_stung_by_a_bee_on_the_forehead_shes/
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A group of seniors were sitting at a table together at Starbucks, discussing their ailments.

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you,” said one elderly lady.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one of the old folks, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man, as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81yg77/a_group_of_seniors_were_sitting_at_a_table/
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Roger Bannister, the guy who first broke the 4 minute mile, just died at 88.

He had a good run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ycpm/roger_bannister_the_guy_who_first_broke_the_4/
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A man walks into a bar,

he is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81y8fg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What’s the difference between a baptist and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81y4us/whats_the_difference_between_a_baptist_and_a/
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I once tried driving to Mexico to steal a couple pet dolphins.

But I was arrested for trying to enter the country for illegal porpoises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81y394/i_once_tried_driving_to_mexico_to_steal_a_couple/
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A farmer shoots three times and kills a turkey

He brings it home and goes into the kitchen where his wife is cleaning. He gives it to his wife and tells her to prepare it for dinner. The wife obeys and cleans and cooks the turkey, and serves it the family that evening.
The next morning, the farmer's daughter runs up to her mother while she's ironing.
"Mom, mom! I was in the bathroom and I peed out a bullet!"
The mother apologises, realising she must have not checked the turkey well enough, and gets back to her chores. Later the farmer's other daughter comes up and says,
"Mom, I just peed a bullet!"
The mother apologises again.
Later, the farmer's son comes up, "Mom, I have something to tell you."
"Let me guess," said the mother, "you peed out a bullet?"
"No. I was jacking off and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81xy6x/a_farmer_shoots_three_times_and_kills_a_turkey/
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Sentence with an I

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it
Johnny: I is...
teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am
Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81xwyx/sentence_with_an_i/
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What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at dinner?

Use the forks, Luke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81xw5t/what_did_obiwan_say_to_luke_at_dinner/
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A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things

The first little boy says, "Alligator.""Very good, that's a big word."The second boy says, "Predator." "Yes, that's another big word. Well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss." After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything." "Well my Mum has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81xv17/a_teacher_asks_the_class_to_name_things_that_end/
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The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, sturdier. Turns out, Thumb worked quite well with the individual Fingers, and everyone found that they could perform better and do more with Thumb's help.
Thumb became so useful to the Fingers that soon they found they could not live without his help. Thumb began to make demands of the Fingers; first it was just more pay, but then he wanted more and more. A diamond-studded glove, a luxury car, the list of demands became longer and longer. But what could the Fingers do? They resented Thumb's demands, but needed his help far too much to risk alienating him.
Eventually, Thumb was elected King. And if you think regular Thumb was demanding, King Thumb was worse. Soon, all the Fingers began to resent King Thumb, for his rulings were tyrannical, and he never, ever trimmed his nail. The Fingers began to despair, for they feared they would never be able to stand up to King Thumb.
Until one day, when Pinky realized that the Fingers could indeed stand up to the tyranny of King Thumb. Until then, everyone thought that it was impossible to stand up to Thumb, but Pinky remembered that all Thumbs are, in fact, opposable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81xseg/the_thumb_king/
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Is it a good idea for prisons to have story-writing classes?

Eh, there are prose and cons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81xotw/is_it_a_good_idea_for_prisons_to_have/
%
When does a dad joke become a dad joke?

When it's fully groan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81xmyg/when_does_a_dad_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
What do dogs get when they retire?

Sock options

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81xfm8/what_do_dogs_get_when_they_retire/
%
A rich man has a maid, who is helping his wife in the kitchen

Maid: "I think you should ask your husband to give me a raise"
Wife: "I can try, but why do you deserve one?"
Maid: "Your husband says I cook better than you"
Wife: "Oh really? What else does he say?"
Maid: "He says I clean better than you"
Wife: "What else?"
Maid: "He says I wash the dishes better than you?"
Wife: "Anything else you're better at then?"
Maid: "Yeah, I give better blowjobs too."
Wife: "What?? Did my husband tell you that too?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81xfa8/a_rich_man_has_a_maid_who_is_helping_his_wife_in/
%
My parents just said they wanted another child.

"I'll love a sibling" I insisted.
"That's not what we meant" they added

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81xf03/my_parents_just_said_they_wanted_another_child/
%
How does one become a level 99 stripper?

A lot of grinding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81xeis/how_does_one_become_a_level_99_stripper/
%
What did the Chinese restaurant do when they ran out of soy sauce?

They cooked like there was no tamari.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81xbvt/what_did_the_chinese_restaurant_do_when_they_ran/
%
What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81x8j7/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.
In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81x5hv/julie_andrews_withdraws_her_endorsement/
%
An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever and his friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread!”

The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81x5g6/an_inventor_shows_his_friend_the_first_knife_ever/
%
This guy asks his friend for advice

He says: My wife complains that my penis is too big, and to be fair, she isn't wrong. It's 20cm long, and that's when it's not hard.
The friend replies: Go to the swamp over there, and seek the magic frog. Ask him a question, and if he answers ''no'' you will lose 5cm.
So the guy goes to the swamp and find the magic frog. He asks an obvious question: ''Am I the richest man in the world?''
The frog replies ''no''. The guy could already feel his dick getting smaller.
A week later, the guy goes to see his friend, and says that his wife hasd the same complains. At 15cm when not hard, it's still too big for her.
The friend's only reply is to go seek the magic frog again. So he does. The guy finds the frog and ask again: ''Am I the richest man in the world?''
The frog replies ''NO! Are you fucking deaf? I said No last week, and it's still no today!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81x5ca/this_guy_asks_his_friend_for_advice/
%
Y'know, I was feeling sad after my crush told me that she liked me as a brother,

But then I realized that she was from Alabama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81x3hn/yknow_i_was_feeling_sad_after_my_crush_told_me/
%
How do you keep warm in a cold room?

You go to a corner it's always 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81x138/how_do_you_keep_warm_in_a_cold_room/
%
A vegan, a bitcoin trader and someone who didn’t vote in 2016 all walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81wz4s/a_vegan_a_bitcoin_trader_and_someone_who_didnt/
%
Some wanker just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me.

Lucky my only injuries was super fish oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81wxjh/some_wanker_just_threw_a_bottle_of_omega_3/
%
Why does Gordon Ramsay hate the cute animal subreddit?

COS ITS FUCKING /R/AWW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81wqu8/why_does_gordon_ramsay_hate_the_cute_animal/
%
“How are your parents?” shouted Cromwell across the battlefield. And the king replied:” They’re very well, thank you. Isn’t the weather nice for this time of year?”

It was civil war.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81wqhz/how_are_your_parents_shouted_cromwell_across_the/
%
The judge gave me ten years working at the clinic for the blind.

Could have been worse, at least it wasn't the deaf sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81wpgu/the_judge_gave_me_ten_years_working_at_the_clinic/
%
Did you hear about the explosion in a garment factory

Apparently there were over a hundred casual tees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81wp2h/did_you_hear_about_the_explosion_in_a_garment/
%
Whoever invented the knock knock jokes

Has got a lot to answer for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81wome/whoever_invented_the_knock_knock_jokes/
%
Man walks into a library and orders an incredibly hot curry.

"This is a library", says the librarian
"Oh, sorry", replies the man
"*I'd like to order an incredibly hot curry please*", he whispers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81wluk/man_walks_into_a_library_and_orders_an_incredibly/
%
What do you call two banana peels on the floor?

Slippers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81wlsw/what_do_you_call_two_banana_peels_on_the_floor/
%
What do you call a group of 64 white americans?

One full Cherokee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81wf97/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_64_white_americans/
%
I was going to post a time traveling joke

But I don’t want other people to be called reposters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81wdbe/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_traveling_joke/
%
Prostitute:

Someone who has sex with you for money.
Wife:
Someone who has sex with you for half your money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81wb02/prostitute/
%
A blonde and a businessman are flying...

the pilot says over the speaker that they've lost an engine, but they should be just fine, flying on three engines.  However, it will take an extra hour to get where they're going.
After a little while, there's some rumbling, and the pilot says over the speaker that there's another engine out. He says that they'll be fine flying on two engines, but it will take another three hours to get where they're going.
More time goes by, there's some more rumbling, and the pilot says over the loudspeaker that a third engine went out, but they can limp along on one engine.  However, it will take an extra six hours to get where they're going.
At this point, the blonde turns to the businessman and says, "Boy, if the other engine goes out, we'll be up here all day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81wanx/a_blonde_and_a_businessman_are_flying/
%
Why do Native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May flowers and May flowers bring fucking white people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81w6xr/why_do_native_americans_hate_april/
%
My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.
It's what he would have wanted...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81w5oy/my_friend_tommy_drowned_the_other_day/
%
What’s the worst thing about having a lung transplant?

Realising that the first time you cough, the phlegm isn’t yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81w5a4/whats_the_worst_thing_about_having_a_lung/
%
Today I saw a kid riding a bike and thought it was mine

Then I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81w2cw/today_i_saw_a_kid_riding_a_bike_and_thought_it/
%
A vampire walks into a bar...

The bartender nervously says "what do you want to drink?"
The vampire says "hot water please"
The bartender hands him the hot water saying "I thought vampires drank blood?"
The vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and puts it into the water "I'm having tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vzb6/a_vampire_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My girlfriend was complaining about her period.

I told her she was ovary-acting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vz34/my_girlfriend_was_complaining_about_her_period/
%
I used to hate when it was my girlfriend's time of the month

Now I just hate her...period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vvs7/i_used_to_hate_when_it_was_my_girlfriends_time_of/
%
If you watch it backwards. . .

The Shawshank Redemption is about two mexican fishermen who are such great friends that when one of them is sent to prison in Maine, the other one crawls through five hundred yards of foulness you can't even imagine to be with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vv9u/if_you_watch_it_backwards/
%
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her that she started to sound like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vsdd/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
%
Teacher makes a call to her student to inform: "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off"

The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"
The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"
The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business trip tomorrow, lets hangout!"
The husband makes a call to the teacher: "Honey, my wife is off tomorrow, you don't come.
The teacher makes another call to the student: "Tomorrow we go to school as usual."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vsbf/teacher_makes_a_call_to_her_student_to_inform_im/
%
My grandfather got me with this one.

(We were doing some car maintenance and I was trying to keep the dog out of the brake fluid)
G: Brake fluids, as you know, are categorized by a DOT standard, and the one we've got here is DOT 5, the latest standard. It tastes pretty bitter, so I don't know why [our dog] keeps trying to get at it.
Me: How do you know it tastes bitter, what'd you do, drink it? *kek*
G: No, you know I'm not that stupid. Actually, there have been problems in the past with the flavor of brake fluid. Back in the day, when it was all DOT 4, brake fluid tasted inherently sweet, which prompted the development of DOT 5. There were problems with pets and babies dying off because they were drinking while bottles of brake fluid, thinking it was food. Eventually, they switched to a non-toxic version to keep people from dying while they tried to develop a fix for the sweetness
Me: *thinking this is all legit*
G: I remembers few years ago back when I owned the boat shop, I'd have a guy come in just about every other day and get him a jug of brake fluid. I was wondering what could be leaking so bad that it required such a massive amount of fluid, so I followed him outside one day, to see what monstrosity of a car he had. Instead of popping the hood, he got in the driver's seat, took a nice swig of brake fluid, and left for home.
Me: *still thinking this is legit*
G: Well, next time he came for his brake fluid, I pulled him aside and asked him why why he was drinking all this brake fluid. He'd had to have been inches from death. He told me it just tasted really good, helped him take his mind off things. I told him "you need to quit kiddo, or you're gonna get addicted to stinking brake fluid. I'd hop on down to the doctor if I were you."
He looked at me and said "Naw man, I can stop anytime."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vqjl/my_grandfather_got_me_with_this_one/
%
A farmer has three daughters.

A boy knocks on the door and says "I'm Eddie and I'm here to take Betty for spaghetti."
The farmer calls Betty and she goes on her date with the young man.
Another boy knocks on the door and says to the farmer "I'm Joe and I'm here to take Flo to the show".
The farmer calls Flo downstairs and the two go to the show.
A third boy then knocks on the front door and says "I'm Chuck..." and the farmer shoots him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vpyn/a_farmer_has_three_daughters/
%
Confucius say: Man who go through airport turnstile sideways

going to Bangkok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vopn/confucius_say_man_who_go_through_airport/
%
Farmer and his sheep

A farmer walks into the kitchen with a sheep under his arm and sees his wife standing at the stove. He says “hey this is the pig I’ve been fucking when you’re not around.” The wife says “you idiot that’s not a pig it’s a sheep.” Farmer says “ No, I was talking to the sheep.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vndv/farmer_and_his_sheep/
%
What do vegans do for foreplay?

Toss each other's salads of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vl6g/what_do_vegans_do_for_foreplay/
%
One day, I went to a store and bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I went to that store again and got a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
Frustrated, I went to that store one last time and bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vk6y/one_day_i_went_to_a_store_and_bought_a_wooden/
%
How does a southerner take money out of his bank account?

With drawl, of course

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vjse/how_does_a_southerner_take_money_out_of_his_bank/
%
How do you cut an ocean in half?

With a sea saw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vjmk/how_do_you_cut_an_ocean_in_half/
%
Anal with my girlfriend made my day

But for her, it made her hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vijk/anal_with_my_girlfriend_made_my_day/
%
I met a girl in a club last night and after a few drinks, she asked if I would like to go back to her place for sex. I didn't want to disappoint her, so...

...I said "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vga2/i_met_a_girl_in_a_club_last_night_and_after_a_few/
%
Whoever invented the knock knock jokes

Should get a Nobell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vexh/whoever_invented_the_knock_knock_jokes/
%
Confucius say "He who run in front of car get tired..."

"...But he who run in back of car get exhausted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vc2f/confucius_say_he_who_run_in_front_of_car_get_tired/
%
I am only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know y.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81vbdg/i_am_only_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
What's the difference between an angel and a Scotsman?

An angel will say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" and a Scotsman will say, "Hey Macleod, get off of my ewe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81v5ks/whats_the_difference_between_an_angel_and_a/
%
Why did the pervert get kicked out of the seafood restaurant?

Because she kept trying to feel everyone's mussels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81v1on/why_did_the_pervert_get_kicked_out_of_the_seafood/
%
Sex is like a gas station...

Sometimes you get full service, sometimes you have to ask for service, and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81v1o0/sex_is_like_a_gas_station/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

If you’re fat it doesn’t last as long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81v17j/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
"Sir, we were unable to find your room. What did you say your name was again?"

"Highlander. There should be only one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81v0pc/sir_we_were_unable_to_find_your_room_what_did_you/
%
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buck an ear.^a^buccaneer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81uz29/how_much_does_it_cost_for_a_pirate_to_get_his/
%
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81uy1j/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_alcohol_and/
%
Earlier today, a man was admitted to hospital due to 8 plastic horses found in his stomach

His condition is now stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81uuuj/earlier_today_a_man_was_admitted_to_hospital_due/
%
Why can't skeletons play music in church?

They have no organs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ulc1/why_cant_skeletons_play_music_in_church/
%
RIP Mr. Schwartz

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive penis.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ukhp/rip_mr_schwartz/
%
Nick Offerman has to be careful about his kids name.

He could give them an unfortunate job like Jack Offerman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ujo6/nick_offerman_has_to_be_careful_about_his_kids/
%
A young man goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him that he must stop masturbating.
The young man asks “ Why? What’s up?”
The doctor replies ” Because I am trying to examine you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ujik/a_young_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
While planning a potluck at work, one of my coworkers asked if we had any vegans on the team.

I told her probably not. They would have let us know several times by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81uiz0/while_planning_a_potluck_at_work_one_of_my/
%
What is Jesus' favorite exercise routine?

Crossfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81uiva/what_is_jesus_favorite_exercise_routine/
%
If you ever want to find out who loves you more, your wife or your dog

Lock them both in the trunk of your car and see which one is happy to see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81uh6o/if_you_ever_want_to_find_out_who_loves_you_more/
%
Yesterday I saw the most famous rubber band in the world

It was the center of a-tension

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81uf7p/yesterday_i_saw_the_most_famous_rubber_band_in/
%
What's Mario's and Luigi's favorite type of pants?...

Denim denim denim....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ueeb/whats_marios_and_luigis_favorite_type_of_pants/
%
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.....

But she realised I’m only after my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ucqw/i_tried_to_remarry_my_exwife/
%
What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81u7qj/what_has_two_legs_and_bleeds_a_lot/
%
I love making spreadsheets.

I excel at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81tu7d/i_love_making_spreadsheets/
%
I don’t like brown rice

Guess I’m a little ricest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ttqy/i_dont_like_brown_rice/
%
A chocolate company was making chocolates shaped like a woman's ass.

Some "upstanding citizens" demanded that they discontinue the product, as they claimed it was lewd and disrespectful. They staged a large, loud protest outside the factory.
This upset another group of citizens, who  thought the company should make what they like, and the protestors should mind their own business.
Both groups started shouting at each other, getting louder and louder. It was a cacaofanny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81tr6p/a_chocolate_company_was_making_chocolates_shaped/
%
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81tr0t/an_old_blind_cowboy_wanders_into_an_allgirl_biker/
%
Whats worse that a cold toilet seat?

A warm one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81tpu7/whats_worse_that_a_cold_toilet_seat/
%
A guy rings his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in. Shes lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says the boyfriend "you must have a vase somewhere!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81to5t/a_guy_rings_his_new_girlfriends_doorbell/
%
Talk about a major injustice! I gave up my seat to an elderly woman yesterday and got fired by my boss...

It's not easy being a pilot...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81tm8m/talk_about_a_major_injustice_i_gave_up_my_seat_to/
%
At Hypochondriacs Anonymous....

The first step is admitting you don't have a problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81tky1/at_hypochondriacs_anonymous/
%
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81tjbl/the_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_him_dad_whats/
%
My mother-in-law said to me, "If you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee."

I replied, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81th6m/my_motherinlaw_said_to_me_if_you_were_my_husband/
%
What is black white and red all over?

A sunburned penguin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81tgf1/what_is_black_white_and_red_all_over/
%
Me and my Friend were reading dead baby jokes

Then he turns to me and says " man these are so dark they might get shot by a cop"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81tgd3/me_and_my_friend_were_reading_dead_baby_jokes/
%
Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81tdja/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
%
My wife tells me I look uncool wearing a bike helmet

But I’d rather look “uncool” than fall and split my head open during sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81tb9f/my_wife_tells_me_i_look_uncool_wearing_a_bike/
%
The thing about people with fruit fetishes...

Is that they usually come in pears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81t6l9/the_thing_about_people_with_fruit_fetishes/
%
An American couple visits Africa...

While there, they see everything they’ve always to see and are having a great time seeing the animals and the sights and meeting new people.
One evening, they are invited to a traditional native dance ceremony. They are enjoying themselves and the culture of this 2,000 year old tribe, but can’t help but notice all the men have tremendously long penises.
After the ceremony, the man can’t help but ask the tribe’s leader their secret.
“We start out very young and tie a small rock to our penises. Over time, we increase the size of the rock until we achieve the desired length and girth.”
The man later tells his wife that he’s thinking of trying it himself.
Two weeks pass and the wife asks- “So... how’s your little *project* going?”
“Impressive!”
“Really? In such a short time? Well how much bigger has it gotten?”
“It hasn’t gotten any bigger, but last night, it started to turn *black*.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81t4oj/an_american_couple_visits_africa/
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What do you get if you cross a rooster with an owl?

A cock that stays up all night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81sym7/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_rooster_with_an_owl/
%
The wife has done nothing but stare through the window since it started snowing.

If it gets any heavier I might have to let her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81sx5v/the_wife_has_done_nothing_but_stare_through_the/
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What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81suec/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_knows_where_her/
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3 men in a bar talking about there sons

The first man says my son is doing so well he just got a job as a doctor and just bought his girlfriend a new car.
The next man says my son is an engineer and he just took his girlfriend to the Bahamas.
The third guy says my son is a male stripper. One of his boyfriends just bought him a car and went to the Bahamas with the other one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81smm8/3_men_in_a_bar_talking_about_there_sons/
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What did one orphan say to the other orphan?

"Robin, get in the batmobile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81sm0k/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other_orphan/
%
How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81sgyi/how_do_you_kill_a_circus/
%
How long does it take for an owl to die?

Six and a fifth books.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81sguj/how_long_does_it_take_for_an_owl_to_die/
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I'm in a band called Delusional Bastards.

I know what you're thinking...great name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81seoi/im_in_a_band_called_delusional_bastards/
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I was going to post a time traveling joke

But you guys didn’t like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81sd05/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_traveling_joke/
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Two atoms sitting in a bar..

One says “I lost an electron.” The other asks  “are you sure ?”
“Yeah I’m positive”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81s2vd/two_atoms_sitting_in_a_bar/
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Mum makes thousands selling her breastmilk to men: UK News

Apparently, her business has least churn rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81s2pa/mum_makes_thousands_selling_her_breastmilk_to_men/
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Why don't government employees look out of the window in the morning?

So they have something to do in the afternoon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81rz7s/why_dont_government_employees_look_out_of_the/
%
Why do women get constipated?

Cause they can’t seem to let shit go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81rtpg/why_do_women_get_constipated/
%
A blonde and a redhead get on the elevator

The elevator stops on the third floor and a young man gets in.
After he gets off the elevator the blonde looks at the redhead and says "He was kinda cute".
The redhead replies "Yes, but he has dandruff. Someone needs to give him some Head and Shoulders"!
The blonde thinks for a minute and asks "How do you give shoulders?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81rqx2/a_blonde_and_a_redhead_get_on_the_elevator/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81rph1/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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[NSFW] A highschool is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.
A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.
The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81rn1w/nsfw_a_highschool_is_having_a_talent_show/
%
How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81rl85/how_do_farmers_party/
%
What did the mouse say the ant crossing the street?

Hello, fellow road-ant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81r6qm/what_did_the_mouse_say_the_ant_crossing_the_street/
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I've decided to add more oranges to my jokes.

To increase their, uh, peel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81r6e1/ive_decided_to_add_more_oranges_to_my_jokes/
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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81r5aa/a_young_teenage_girl_was_making_a_living_as_a/
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Three redditors link up for the weekend and hit a brothel outa town.

They walk into the venue and sit down. The Madame rings a bell and out come three scantily clad girls.
"You should know", begins the Madame, "My brothel doesn't believe in the use of condoms. We want to give the client the best experience possible."
The redditors look at each other for a second, then nod their heads and agree to continue.
"You should know", says the Madame, "this means that all of our girls have many children each."
The redditors give each other an uncertain look, before the Madame carries on...
"You should know, you might want to avoid anal. The girls are all suffering from a bad ass infection at the moment."
As two of the redditors grimace, one walks over to the girls, takes all of them into a room and shuts the door.
"What the hell is he doing?" asks one of the redditors.
"Well..." shrugs the other one. "he is OP... username checks out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81qwqv/three_redditors_link_up_for_the_weekend_and_hit_a/
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My love dress

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81qr6t/my_love_dress/
%
Many surnames come from the job people's ancestors used to have. For example, the Smith family were related to a smith, the Baker family were related to a baker and then there's the Dickinson family...

Who were related to people from Alabama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81qniv/many_surnames_come_from_the_job_peoples_ancestors/
%
What sound does a chocolate gun make?

Cacao!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81qndp/what_sound_does_a_chocolate_gun_make/
%
Have you ever tried to eat a clock

Its very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81qks2/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
%
I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction.

I'm Lacoste intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81qcw8/i_cant_wear_any_clothes_with_a_crocodile_on_them/
%
I was in the kitchen when a flying insect came through the window and exploded.

I think it was a jihaddy long legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81qa1q/i_was_in_the_kitchen_when_a_flying_insect_came/
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The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6)

Why don't pirates like playing cards?
There's always someone walking across the deck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81q8ic/the_first_joke_i_invented_all_on_my_own_age_56/
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Did you hear about the vegan transgender?

He was a herbefore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81q5kh/did_you_hear_about_the_vegan_transgender/
%
A Russian runs into a bar

Quick! Quick he yells at the bartender.  A vodka before it starts!
The bartender quickly pours him a shot of vodka which the Russian drinks in one gulp.
Another!  Fast before it starts...
The bartender gives him another one which the Russian drinks immediately.
Hurry hurry another one before it starts...
The bartender asks "how are you going to pay for these?"
The Russian throws up his hands and says "ahhhh now it starts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81q4uw/a_russian_runs_into_a_bar/
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A barista was admiring his colleague's ass at Starbucks...

Barista: "Damn Karen your ass is large."
Colleague: "Stop it Brian, we're at work."
Barista: "Oh sorry, I mean that ass is Venti."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81q0nu/a_barista_was_admiring_his_colleagues_ass_at/
%
Imagine The Titanic with a lisp.

It's unthinkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81pzjo/imagine_the_titanic_with_a_lisp/
%
How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81py6e/how_much_room_is_needed_for_fungi_to_grow/
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I'm not trying to boast here...

But I went 0 to 60 in about 47 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81pvwu/im_not_trying_to_boast_here/
%
The pallbearers accidentally bumped Susan’s casket on the wall...

... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.
She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) funeral the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin to raise the casket. Susan’s husband rises and shouts: “Be careful not to hit the wall this time, you dimwits!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ptev/the_pallbearers_accidentally_bumped_susans_casket/
%
I bought one of those anti-bullying charity wrist bands the other day

I say bought, I stole it off a fat ginger kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81pny1/i_bought_one_of_those_antibullying_charity_wrist/
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What do zombie bodybuilders want more than anything?

GaaAAAiiNnns!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81pns8/what_do_zombie_bodybuilders_want_more_than/
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Olympic wrestling

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler named Ole were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.
Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished." Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands...
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded. When he got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vell not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81pkj1/olympic_wrestling/
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What is the difference between a businessman on a bicycle and a hobo on a unicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81pkec/what_is_the_difference_between_a_businessman_on_a/
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This is getting way out of hand. For the past week, every morning at 6am sharp, a German Shepherd has come in to my garden and taken a giant poop, right there on the lawn. And you'll never believe what happened today...

He brought his dog with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81pj5p/this_is_getting_way_out_of_hand_for_the_past_week/
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Good news / bad news

The lawyer looked at his client and said, "I've got good news and bad news.  Your wife has found a picture worth $1 million."
"Well, that's amazing!" exclaimed the client, "but what's the bad news?"
"It's a picture of you and your secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81piux/good_news_bad_news/
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What do you get when you cross a dog with a sharpie?

A permanent barker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81phsc/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dog_with_a/
%
Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15˚C...

and still be 0K?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81pgqk/did_you_know_that_you_can_cool_yourself_to_27315c/
%
My humor isn't dry

It just has psoriasis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81pgmz/my_humor_isnt_dry/
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What do you get when you cross a supervisor with a sharpie?

Fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81pfy7/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_supervisor_with/
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My wife tell's me that having a small dick is no problem to our relationship

Even so i would prefer if she didnt have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81pfd9/my_wife_tells_me_that_having_a_small_dick_is_no/
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What's the definition of mixed emotions?

Seeing your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81pbom/whats_the_definition_of_mixed_emotions/
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If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."
Why him?
"More food for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81p9f4/if_you_could_have_dinner_with_any_historical/
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I received a flier on anger management the other day

I lost it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81p7lj/i_received_a_flier_on_anger_management_the_other/
%
My buddy performs circumcisions, and i was curious how much he got paid

"Oh we dont get paid, we just keep the tips"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81p6k9/my_buddy_performs_circumcisions_and_i_was_curious/
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In a marriage breakdown there are always both to be to blame...

...the wife and the mother-in-law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81p5lt/in_a_marriage_breakdown_there_are_always_both_to/
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Redditors ABCs

Ctrl+c ctrl+v. Why would you need the rest of the ABCs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81p181/redditors_abcs/
%
I asked if a customer wanted to dine in or take away...

When at work one evening, someone wanted some fish and chips...
I asked if they wanted to dine in or take away.
He replied with ‘Fuck off you piece of shit!’
I work in a prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81oy7w/i_asked_if_a_customer_wanted_to_dine_in_or_take/
%
How did I get from Iraq to Pakistan?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81owfy/how_did_i_get_from_iraq_to_pakistan/
%
Morning coffee in a US government job . . .

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."
"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. So no point in your coming in for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81oufv/morning_coffee_in_a_us_government_job/
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What did the old processor say when it was thrown away?

"that megahertz"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81os19/what_did_the_old_processor_say_when_it_was_thrown/
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The curious doctor

I haven't seen this one here so hopefully it's not a repost...
A man goes in for a physical and when he drops his pants for the hernia check the doctor sees the patients balls are brown. Concerned, the doctor asks politely "Sir, did you know your balls are brown?"
Perturbed, the patient says " Nevermind, don't worry about that".
Then the doctor asks "Sir why are your balls brown?"
The patient is even more aggravated and says "I told you not to worry about that."
Now, even more curious, the doctor says "Sir, I'll give you your exam for free if you tell me why your balls are brown."
The patient now furious and embarrassed, dresses and storms out of the room.
The patient pulls in to the driveway, gets out his car and starts walking to the front door. Along the way he is tripping over his kid's toys. Even more annoyed now he walks in to the house and his son runs up and hugs him with finger paint all over his little hands and wipes them on dad's pants. Kids are running amok all over the house. The place is a mess, toys and laundry piled up everywhere. By now dad is quite pissed and looks over at his wife who is changing the youngest one's diaper and says
"This place is a goddamned mess! You're a lousy housekeeper. What do you do all day?"
The wife snaps back "What?! With all these kids running around the house I don't even have time to wipe my ass!"
The husband yells back "And that's another thing!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81oq4n/the_curious_doctor/
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Aaron Paul prefers to stay in character even when the cameras aren't rolling

It's called methead acting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ooqx/aaron_paul_prefers_to_stay_in_character_even_when/
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Someone stole my wife's credit card

But I don't want him found. He is spending less than she was.
Credit : The Murder Room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81o58q/someone_stole_my_wifes_credit_card/
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I got so angry with poachers illegally killing dolphins that I began randomly implanting some with tiny bombs.

But it just ended up defeating the porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81o58d/i_got_so_angry_with_poachers_illegally_killing/
%
If my life was a sex position it would be reverse cowgirl

Because noone will look me in the eye and I'm not in control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81o3zo/if_my_life_was_a_sex_position_it_would_be_reverse/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81nsks/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What body part makes the best student?

The eye, because it's a good pupil!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81nnf0/what_body_part_makes_the_best_student/
%
One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody

I know my cellmate loves it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ni6o/one_of_the_most_wonderful_things_in_life_is_to/
%
The gym teacher gets a handgun, the janitor gets a shot gun, and the principal gets an uzi. What do they arm the lunch lady with?

A salt rifle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81nf68/the_gym_teacher_gets_a_handgun_the_janitor_gets_a/
%
the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to
If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to.
If you tell the Navy  "Secure that building!"
They will turn out the lights, close and lock all doors and windows and post a fire watch
If you tell the Air Force "Secure that building!"
They will take out a 30 year lease with an option to buy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81n73v/the_differences_between_the_branches_of_the_us/
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Some guys get pretty down on themselves for having a small penis.

But I'm a vagina half full kind of guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81n5rb/some_guys_get_pretty_down_on_themselves_for/
%
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81n2no/what_do_you_call_an_elephant_that_doesnt_matter/
%
Doctor: Its perfectly normal to have an erection during a prostate exam!

Me: But I don't have one.
Doctor: But I do!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81n2b6/doctor_its_perfectly_normal_to_have_an_erection/
%
A farmer has a nagging wife

His wife is so nagging that he’d rather be out in the field. One day, he’s plowing the field with his donkey but his wife brings him lunch. He is really happy and they start having a conversation. Well, it doesn’t take long before the wife starts to nag about something. Finally, the donkey raises his foot and kicks the wife in the head, knocking the life out of her.
A few days later at the funeral, the farmer’s friends come up to console him. The pastor watches with curiosity as the farmer nods “no” to all of his wife’s lady friends as they walk past him, and shake his head “yes” as all of the farmer’s guy friends walk up to him.
The pastor walks over to him and asks, “Why were you shaking your head no to your wife’s friend but shaking your head yes as your friends walked past?”
“It’s simple.” The farmer stated. “The women asked if I needed anything, and I said no.”
“Alright, what about the men?” The pastor asks.
“They asked if they could borrow the donkey.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81mwka/a_farmer_has_a_nagging_wife/
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What did the Brazilian goose on the balcony say to the squirrel passing by?

I don’t know, I don’t speak porch of geese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81mvsg/what_did_the_brazilian_goose_on_the_balcony_say/
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If at first you don’t like tea

Chai, chai, chai again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81msu4/if_at_first_you_dont_like_tea/
%
Hey! To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...I will find you!

You have my Word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81minl/hey_to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_officei/
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A man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?"
"Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing..."Psst...come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit...that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81mf8o/a_man_walks_into_a_pet_shop_and_sees_a_parrot_for/
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Most people are shocked when they find out...

... how bad I am as an electrician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81m918/most_people_are_shocked_when_they_find_out/
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My wife got stung by a bee on her forehead. She’s at the ER now and her face is all swollen and bruised. She almost died!

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81m69i/my_wife_got_stung_by_a_bee_on_her_forehead_shes/
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The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight..

is only ever a whim away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81m5wp/the_urge_to_sing_the_lion_sleeps_tonight/
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What do you call a dog in a U-boat?

A subwoofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81m4y1/what_do_you_call_a_dog_in_a_uboat/
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My wife's twin tricked me into sleeping with them

I swore I had no idea, but she just never forgave me for sleeping with her brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81m110/my_wifes_twin_tricked_me_into_sleeping_with_them/
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Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81lk3f/why_do_jews_get_circumcised/
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I don't usually eat steak...

so when I do it's quite rare.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81leij/i_dont_usually_eat_steak/
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A man is walking on the beach when he spots a golden bottle.

He walks over to the bottle and opens it to see if anything is inside. Out of nowhere a genie comes out. The genie says “I will grant you any three wishes but whatever you wish for, I will grant your worst enemy double. The man agrees to the genie’s terms and asks for his first wish. “I want a lot of money.” Wishes the man. The genie snaps his fingers and $1,000,000 were added to the man’s account and $2,000,000 were added to his enemy’s account. The man says his second wish. “I want an expensive car.” Again, the genie snaps his fingers and a Lamborghini appears in his garage and two in his enemy’s. “You have one last wish. Remember whatever you ask, your worst enemy gets double.” The man thinks long and hard till he gets a good idea of what he wanted. With a smile the man says “I wish to donate a kidney.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81lbf9/a_man_is_walking_on_the_beach_when_he_spots_a/
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Why are Chinese kids so good at math?

Because their dog doesn’t eat their homework

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81laaj/why_are_chinese_kids_so_good_at_math/
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I proudly showed my dick but got kicked out right away...

Apparently that's not what you do in a gender reveal party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81l674/i_proudly_showed_my_dick_but_got_kicked_out_right/
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I wanted my leftovers in a to-go box, but the diner was out of them.

Foiled again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81l4kt/i_wanted_my_leftovers_in_a_togo_box_but_the_diner/
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White hair

One day, a girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81l4ft/white_hair/
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I named my dog Stains

You get weird looks when you yell "come Stains!" at the park.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81l2ft/i_named_my_dog_stains/
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Nice cheeks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.
'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81l20h/nice_cheeks/
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The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “papers?”

I said, “ Scissors, I win” and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81l1if/the_police_just_pulled_me_over_he_came_up_to_my/
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How do spiders figure out what they're having for dinner

They search the web

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81kznw/how_do_spiders_figure_out_what_theyre_having_for/
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A nun was fired from her job in heaven...

A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81krgm/a_nun_was_fired_from_her_job_in_heaven/
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How does a Japanese chihuahua say hello?

Konichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81kn5i/how_does_a_japanese_chihuahua_say_hello/
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Did you know that Iceland...

Is only one sea away from Ireland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81kkcv/did_you_know_that_iceland/
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My daughter asked me what a sugar daddy was.

I gave her £2000 to never ask me that again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81khif/my_daughter_asked_me_what_a_sugar_daddy_was/
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A man comes home to his wife holding a duck

He says "This is the pig I've been screwing."
His wife responds "That's a duck, you moron."
To which he retorts "I wasn't talking to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81kg4k/a_man_comes_home_to_his_wife_holding_a_duck/
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I held a meditation class at a retirement home once...

At the end of the session, which consisted mostly of breathing exercises, I procured a small gong and a mallet. I told all of them to close their eyes and focus on the sound of the gong, and to raise their hand when they could no longer hear it.
Everyone closed their eyes, and I struck the gong. A couple seconds later, no one raised their hands. A few more seconds later, the gong had become quite faint, and still no one raised their hands. I marvelled at how acute their hearing was. Soon, I was unable to hear the gong in my hands, and still none of their hands were raised!
Then one of them shouted, "Are you going to hit it or what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81kd5l/i_held_a_meditation_class_at_a_retirement_home/
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After being married for thirty ones years and having three children, I can safely say...

Nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ka4c/after_being_married_for_thirty_ones_years_and/
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Since the crash, I haven't been able to use my hand properly.

Hopefully Pornhub will be up and working again soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81k9fp/since_the_crash_i_havent_been_able_to_use_my_hand/
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Guys walks in to a parts store. “Can I get a new gas cap for my Yugo?”

The attendant replies, “sounds like a fair trade to me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81k7w1/guys_walks_in_to_a_parts_store_can_i_get_a_new/
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What would you eat if you were stranded on a completely barren deserted isle?

The sand which is on the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81k67p/what_would_you_eat_if_you_were_stranded_on_a/
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Two 12-year olds are sitting in a park.

Laying next too each other, relaxing and cousy.
Then all of the sudden in the moment, the boy gets a kiss from the young girl.
His face turns red while backing off.
"What's wrong? Wasn't it good?" Asked the girl.
"No no no! It's just that my mom told me if I ever kiss a girl, she would turn me in a statue. And I feel it's already starting!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81k5bg/two_12year_olds_are_sitting_in_a_park/
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What do you call a sex doll with white eyes?

Full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81k01y/what_do_you_call_a_sex_doll_with_white_eyes/
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Why do natives hate snow?

Because they’re white and settles on their land

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81jy03/why_do_natives_hate_snow/
%
Stephen Hawking has his first date in a long time...

When he returned from the date, he had a twisted ankle, a broken wrist, his glasses were cracked and there was dirt all over his clothes.
Apparently she stood him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81juai/stephen_hawking_has_his_first_date_in_a_long_time/
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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!".
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81jp7d/an_american_spy_is_in_soviet_russia_digging_up/
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A cannibal and his son were walking through the jungle looking for food

They didn't find any food so he ate his son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81johf/a_cannibal_and_his_son_were_walking_through_the/
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You Americans !

**An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.
You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady.
May I sit there?
I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81jbjo/you_americans/
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I made a YouTube video on diseases...

It went viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81j5sq/i_made_a_youtube_video_on_diseases/
%
I’m a butcher and I sell dead chickens at work

They aren’t going cheep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81j09r/im_a_butcher_and_i_sell_dead_chickens_at_work/
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A lot of people think a world without sin would be perfect

But there's only so much you can solve with cos and tan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ix3j/a_lot_of_people_think_a_world_without_sin_would/
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How do people at NASA organise a party?

They planet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81i9tt/how_do_people_at_nasa_organise_a_party/
%
If coal is so bad for the environment...

why don't we just burn it all?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81hyr8/if_coal_is_so_bad_for_the_environment/
%
A New Yorker calls his mother who lives in Florida. She answers the phone with a very weak-sounding voice.

"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"
Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."
"How long has it been, Mom?"
"My last meal was 26 days ago."
"26 Days!? How come?"
"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81hll6/a_new_yorker_calls_his_mother_who_lives_in/
%
How do you get down off of an elephant?

You don't. You get down off a duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81hl65/how_do_you_get_down_off_of_an_elephant/
%
Two atoms come back after fishin’

But they don’t come back after fusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81hcsc/two_atoms_come_back_after_fishin/
%
I wish my name was Voyager 2...

So I could have the first encounter with Uranus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81hbhj/i_wish_my_name_was_voyager_2/
%
After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81havo/after_my_wife_died_i_couldnt_look_at_women_for_20/
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Who is the roundest knight in King Arthur's court?

Circumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81habl/who_is_the_roundest_knight_in_king_arthurs_court/
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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his car...

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his car when he saw a man on the side of the road eating grass.  Disturbed and intrigued, he ordered his driver to stop. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
The man said, "I'm hungry and i don't have any money for food."
"Come to my house and I'll feed you," said the lawyer.
"I can't leave my wife and my child," said the man.
"Bring them along, too, of course."
Overjoyed, the man, his wife, and his child got into the lawyer's car.  "You are too kind," said the man, "Thank you so much!"
"No problem," said the lawyer.  "You'll love my house.  The grass is almost a foot high!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81h5lm/a_wealthy_lawyer_was_riding_in_his_car/
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The sexual position known as 69 should be called 96

With our economy, the cost of eating out has gone up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81h3bk/the_sexual_position_known_as_69_should_be_called/
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Yo mama is so mean ...

when she dies they will write her an o-BITCH-uary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81h0dz/yo_mama_is_so_mean/
%
I just bought the gloves O.J. Simpson wore during his trial for $60,000

Turns out they didn’t fit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81gu5q/i_just_bought_the_gloves_oj_simpson_wore_during/
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If I got a lot of boxers to queue up behind each other

I’d have a punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81gtb1/if_i_got_a_lot_of_boxers_to_queue_up_behind_each/
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What is Satan's favorite challenge?

The floor is lava

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81grd6/what_is_satans_favorite_challenge/
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NSFW There may be no I in team,

but there's a U in cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81gntt/nsfw_there_may_be_no_i_in_team/
%
The Irish Republican Army are full of crap

It takes some balls to phone ahead politely before setting off a bomb and then claim you're not British.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81gm0g/the_irish_republican_army_are_full_of_crap/
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Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up

and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion. Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers. Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!” The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!” Hollered Suzie angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ggq2/bills_second_anniversary_was_coming_up/
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A blonde woman walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so she hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After the woman leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the her for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde woman returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $17,21.
The loan officer says, “Madame I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
She replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $17,21?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81gfxd/a_blonde_woman_walks_into_a_bank_new_york_city/
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The problem with Trump jokes

Republicans don't think they are funny, and Democrats don't think they are jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81gfk2/the_problem_with_trump_jokes/
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“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81gf76/a_small_boy_asks_his_dad_daddy_what_is_politics/
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The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now

So I thought I’d check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.
She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81gcmz/the_snow_in_the_uk_is_pretty_bad_right_now/
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My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

-Because the other fish were crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81gcbr/my_8_year_old_sisters_joke_there_were_12_fish_in/
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When celebrating with porn stars handshakes are best....

High fives can give you the clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81gb7i/when_celebrating_with_porn_stars_handshakes_are/
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What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81g1ud/whats_blue_and_doesnt_fit/
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If a person donates a kidney, he's a hero

But when I donate 5, I get arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81fw1l/if_a_person_donates_a_kidney_hes_a_hero/
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A kindergarten class

had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down again. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period." said the little boy. "Well, OK, I can see that now," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my 14 year old sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mum fainted and the man next door shot himself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81fu9j/a_kindergarten_class/
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The Dirty Family

Mr. and Mrs. Dirty and their son Henry Dirty were the filthiest family in town. Their house was a mess. Their yard was a mess. And the family themselves were always dirty! One day, however, Mr. Dirty had had enough. He called the family together and said "Family, I'm tired of always being dirty! We're the joke of the town! We need to start taking steps right now to get our act together and be more clean!" Mrs. Dirty and Henry both agreed to start trying to be more clean.
Now that weekend happened to be Father's Day and Henry was out looking for a perfect present for his father. First he went to the hardware store. After searching a while he found a top notch power drill he was sure his father would love! He brought it to the counter but just as he was about to pay he remembered his father's wishes to be less dirty. "This drill won't really help us be less dirty" he thought to himself. So he put it back on the shelf and moved on.
Next he went to the tobacco store. After searching a while he found an amazing pipe he was sure his father would love! He brought it to the counter but just as he was about to pay he remembered his father's wishes to be less dirty. "This pipe won't really help us be less dirty" he thought to himself. So he put it back on the shelf and moved on.
Disheartened he sadly wandered the streets. But fortune smiled on him and he found himself standing in front of a men's clothing store. He looked in the window and exclaimed "That's it! The perfect gift for Father!" He hurriedly purchased the item and brought it home to wrap.
That weekend he presented his father with the gift. As he opened it his mouth dropped open. He finally regained his composure. Turning to his son he said "But Henry! It's so... it's so CLEAN!"
To which Henry responded "Of course it's clean! It's a Tie, Dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81fu8c/the_dirty_family/
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Cartoonist found dead in home,

details are sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81fqox/cartoonist_found_dead_in_home/
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An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

“How about a quickie?” asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.
His friend leans across the table and says, “Dude, it’s pronounced “quiche””.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81fpu7/an_attractive_waitress_approaches_a_table_of_two/
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Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they change theirs more often

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81flqf/why_do_women_have_cleaner_minds_than_men/
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Attorney questioning a doctor

Attorney: Before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Doctor: No
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor: No
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor: No
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Doctor: No
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Doctor: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81fjkj/attorney_questioning_a_doctor/
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What happened to all the proof about Russia rigging the elections?

(removed)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ffki/what_happened_to_all_the_proof_about_russia/
%
Some plants have the prefix 'dog'

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog.' For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."
"I can," shouted one of the students, "Collieflower!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81fbm0/some_plants_have_the_prefix_dog/
%
Why are Russians so good at hacking?

Because so many of them come from Cyberia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81fbcx/why_are_russians_so_good_at_hacking/
%
There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn’t show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...

Turns out he had become shelf aware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81f9sp/there_was_once_a_robot_whose_job_it_was_to/
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I got expelled from mime school

Not sure why but it might have been something I said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81f7ws/i_got_expelled_from_mime_school/
%
When someone says, "I don't believe in coincidences"

I say, "Oh my God, me neither!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81f7aj/when_someone_says_i_dont_believe_in_coincidences/
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Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly..

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81f6yf/paddy_died_in_a_fire_and_was_burnt_pretty_badly/
%
Australians don't have sex.

Australians mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81f09k/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
Someone's just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me.

Luckily I only received super fish oil injuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81eumj/someones_just_thrown_a_bottle_of_omega_3_tablets/
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A study says that selfies make your nose look 30% bigger.

(unzips)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81eodr/a_study_says_that_selfies_make_your_nose_look_30/
%
I was going to tell a time travel joke...

...but you guys didn't like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ekh4/i_was_going_to_tell_a_time_travel_joke/
%
An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...

So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himself "we have to cut the electricity off!" And runs to the power panel in the basement. The statistician wakes up and looks around, he then screams "we need more data!!" And he sets the curtains on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ejz6/an_engineer_physicist_and_a_statistician_in_a/
%
Why don't Ewoks yell inside?

Because they use their Endor voices!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ef5z/why_dont_ewoks_yell_inside/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist

Black people would rob me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ecxe/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_called/
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My anorexic friends try to convince me they have a very serious disease...

But their arguments don't seem to carry much weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ecl0/my_anorexic_friends_try_to_convince_me_they_have/
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My doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream.

Now all I want to do is rub it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81e9eo/my_doctor_has_given_me_some_antigloating_cream/
%
Tesla is considering releasing a line of electric buses named after Egyptian gods.

It'll be A-new-bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81e71r/tesla_is_considering_releasing_a_line_of_electric/
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A visit to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom."  The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?"  The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81e4qp/a_visit_to_the_doctor/
%
I went to see a sex therapist.

She said, "How many times have you had sex in the past month?"
"Twice," I replied. "I'm too preoccupied with other things."
"Children?" she asked.
I said, "No. They were of legal age."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81e3gm/i_went_to_see_a_sex_therapist/
%
Two friends were talking

And one said, 'What's the worst thing you've ever done?'
To which he replied, 'I stole some milk from the supermarket one day. What's the worst thing you've ever done?'
'I had sex with my teacher.'
'But I thought you were homeschooled...'
'Yeah...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81e281/two_friends_were_talking/
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A black guy, a mexican and an italian are in a car. Who’s driving?

A police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81e0r6/a_black_guy_a_mexican_and_an_italian_are_in_a_car/
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What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?

A Kylometer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81e080/what_is_the_first_orders_standard_unit_of/
%
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81e02g/call_me_a_racist_if_you_want_but_south_of_the/
%
I was being trained as a caller in a suicide prevention hotline...

...On my first day of training, my manager said;
"Let me show you the ropes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81dx4i/i_was_being_trained_as_a_caller_in_a_suicide/
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I wanted to help my pet snail.

He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it'd make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn't. It made him more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81dx3e/i_wanted_to_help_my_pet_snail/
%
Two men sit across from each other on a train...

...both with black eyes.  Seeing the coincidence, one guy says to the other:
"Hey I see we both got black eyes here, mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy responds:
"Well, I was in the train station getting a ticket, and the teller was a gorgeous lady with huge knockers.  I got flustered and accidentally said 'Can I buy one picket to Titsburg?' instead of 'one ticket to Pittsburg.' And the lady got offended and punched me in the face!"
The first guy chuckles and says back:
"Damn... I got mine in almost the exact same way. I was eating breakfast with my wife, and instead of saying 'Honey, can you pass the salt?' I said 'Fuck you bitch, you ruined my life.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81dunp/two_men_sit_across_from_each_other_on_a_train/
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What do best friends and trees have in common?

They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81dud1/what_do_best_friends_and_trees_have_in_common/
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I have sex daily!

Shit. I meant dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81dteg/i_have_sex_daily/
%
Everyone makes the joke over here "everything in Australia can kill you". You know what probably won't kill you in Australia?

An assault rifle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81dsv3/everyone_makes_the_joke_over_here_everything_in/
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With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?"

Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81dr8v/with_trembling_hands_my_doctor_looked_up_from_my/
%
When I left for work this morning my neighbour was scrubbing his front door...

... as someone had graffitied "PAEDO" on it.
Me: "Mate, what's been going on?"
Neighbour: "Fucking kids..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81dqsb/when_i_left_for_work_this_morning_my_neighbour/
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A prison van crashed into a cement mixer this morning...

Police are currently on the lookout for half a dozen hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81dqiq/a_prison_van_crashed_into_a_cement_mixer_this/
%
A plane with a Redditor on it goes down in the middle of the wilderness.

As he scrambles out of the wrecked plane, anxiety sets in.  He is completely lost and has no idea where he is.
Thinking fast, he takes a picture of his unfamiliar surroundings and uploads it to r/jokes.  Refreshing the page, he sees his post and lets out a sigh of relief.
"Aha!" he says to himself.  "I've seen this like a million times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81dqee/a_plane_with_a_redditor_on_it_goes_down_in_the/
%
A Mexican magician said he could disappear in three seconds. So he counted, uno, dos, and then he was gone

He disappeared without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81dq48/a_mexican_magician_said_he_could_disappear_in/
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A cop has been chasing me for hours now.

He keeps shouting, "pullover, pullover!"
I'm starting to think cops are a bit stupid, it's a cardigan for fucks sake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81dnl9/a_cop_has_been_chasing_me_for_hours_now/
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Dark Russian humor

A wife went to the beach and didn't return. A husband called the police.
The police came in a week.
- We have 3 news for you: good, bad and great.
- Let's start with the bad one.
- Your wife drowned - we pulled her out of the water.
- And what is the good news?
- We have picked up a bucket of large crabs from her body.
- And what is the great news?
- We'll pull it out again tomorrow. Let's go for a beer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81djxp/dark_russian_humor/
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You know what I like about ford?

They circle the problem for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81dfb5/you_know_what_i_like_about_ford/
%
Father of ten shot dead.

Mistaken for a rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81dbjf/father_of_ten_shot_dead/
%
My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends…

I really hope it’s Steve, he’s so cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81db3c/my_friends_say_theres_a_gay_guy_in_our_circle_of/
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What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin, get in the batmobile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81d9bt/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
%
The winter war between Finland and the USSR

The Soviet general was moving with his army when he hears a whisper
"A Finnish soldier is better than 10 Russian soldiers"
Furious he sends out his best 10 men. Gunshots are heard but they do not return and he hears another whisper:
" A Finnish soldier is better than 100 Russians"
Enraged the general sends his next best 100 men with full armor support. Explosions, gunshots ravage the air. Nothing but a whisper returns :
"A Finn is better than 1000 Russians"
The general had it. He sends 1000 Soldiers with armor support, air support and the best equipment. There are gunshots, hard fights, a fire gets started, planes roar the sky and fall down. After some time, a gravely wounded Russian soldier returns.
"Sir, it's a trap."
"What do you mean a trap!?" The general responds.
"There's 2 of them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81d71b/the_winter_war_between_finland_and_the_ussr/
%
Another blind man walks into a bar

He’s been unconscious for an hour. Please send help

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81d4qd/another_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What happens if you drink bleach?

You *basically* die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81d1fu/what_happens_if_you_drink_bleach/
%
I think I have a crush on my teacher

Me: I think I have a crush on my teacher
Friend: That's gross
Me: I've heard it's pretty common
Friend: But you're homeschooled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81czva/i_think_i_have_a_crush_on_my_teacher/
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I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59

because I like that one to one time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81cyut/i_usually_meet_my_girlfriend_at_1259/
%
My pops asked me what my favorite commercial. I looked at him and said,

It’s a tie, Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81cycv/my_pops_asked_me_what_my_favorite_commercial_i/
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Drugs don’t ruin your career...

Drug tests do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81cxyy/drugs_dont_ruin_your_career/
%
This bar has a special menu for it's customers...

A first customer walks in, and ask: Can I have a Rum & Coke, please?
The bartender: You got it! (hands over an apple)
Customer: Errr, I asked you for a Rum & Coke?
Bartender: Just try the apple.
Customer: (Bites on the apple) Oh my god! It tastes like Rum?
Bartender: Oh yeah? Turn it around
Customer: (Bites the other side of the apple): Holy shit, it tastes like Coke!
Bartender: Told ya.
A second customer walks in, and asks: Can I have a Gin and Tonic, please?
Bartender: (Hands over an apple) Here you go, man.
Customer 2: Wait, what's this?
Customer 1: Try the apple. trust me, it's worth it.
Customer 2:... ok? (bites into the apple) WTF? It tastes like Gin!
Bartender: Turn it around
Customer 2: (Takes another bite) Wow, it tastes like tonic! That's amazing!
A third customer comes in, but he's unsure of what he wants.
Customer 1: You should try his apples.
Customer 2: Yeah, trust me dude. This guy has an apple for every possible flavor.
Customer 3: Oh yeah? Do you have an apple that tastes like pussy?
Bartender: Do I have an apple that tastes like pussy... (Hands over an apple) Is that what you're looking for?
Customer 3: (Takes a bite into the apple, but shortly spit it back in disgust) THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!!
Bartender: Turn it around!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81cuyn/this_bar_has_a_special_menu_for_its_customers/
%
Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.

Today I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81cua9/yesterday_i_gave_up_my_seat_on_the_bus_for_a/
%
What does garlic do when it gets hot?

It takes its cloves off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81csqq/what_does_garlic_do_when_it_gets_hot/
%
An airplane is about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my million fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years ahead so i will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81cqfu/an_airplane_is_about_to_crash_there_were_4/
%
My keyboard works for everyone except me

I guess it just isn't my type.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81cj6x/my_keyboard_works_for_everyone_except_me/
%
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81cg4h/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
%
The doctor told me my vocal chords were damaged

I was speechless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81cfe2/the_doctor_told_me_my_vocal_chords_were_damaged/
%
What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ceko/whats_it_called_when_a_chameleon_cant_change_its/
%
I got expelled from school on pajama day.

Its not my fault I sleep naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81c98q/i_got_expelled_from_school_on_pajama_day/
%
A down on his luck magician takes a job on a cruise ship

and the captain has a parrot. Every time the magician does a trick the parrot squawks out the secret "Raawwwt he hid it in his sleeve" or "He's hidden behind the mirror. He's hidden behind the mirror Raaaaawttt!" thus always ruining the illusion.
One day the ship sinks and the magician finds himself stuck on a plank floating in the ocean. To his surprise the parrot lands next to him and stares at him for 3 straight days.
It finally says "I give. What'd you do with the boat"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81c5j2/a_down_on_his_luck_magician_takes_a_job_on_a/
%
The teacher said to use the colors green, yellow, and pink in a sentence.

The 1st student goes.."i like the colors green, yellow and pink"
the 2nd student goes.."the grass is green, sun is yellow, and my shirt is pink"
the 3rd one, an asian, goes.."my phone went green green so i pinked it up and said 'yellow?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81c4zx/the_teacher_said_to_use_the_colors_green_yellow/
%
My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks...

Bad Minton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81bz1a/my_dog_minton_ate_all_my_shuttlecocks/
%
Heard you were looking for a stud...

I got the STD, now all I need is u.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81bxll/heard_you_were_looking_for_a_stud/
%
A woman gave birth to a baby with no arms, legs, body or neck.

The doctor said, "Looks like it quit while it was a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81bvzp/a_woman_gave_birth_to_a_baby_with_no_arms_legs/
%
Teacher asks Little Johnny A Question..

Teacher: "OK class, who will give me the chemical formula for water?"
Johnny: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What on earth are you on about?"
Johnny: "Well you said yourself yesterday it was H to O!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81bnhb/teacher_asks_little_johnny_a_question/
%
A computer went to see the doctor.

The diagnosis was terminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81bk63/a_computer_went_to_see_the_doctor/
%
Why is it called Canadian bacon?

Because they're really sorry it's not real bacon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81bjz3/why_is_it_called_canadian_bacon/
%
Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It’s very time consuming you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81bgtx/have_you_ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
%
I went to the annual stargazing conference yesterday....

...the turnout was astronomical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81bg1t/i_went_to_the_annual_stargazing_conference/
%
A man is ship wrecked on an island with a dog and a goat...

Several months go by and he’s horny as ever and decides he needs some action from someone or something. So the goats not looking half bad. But whenever he tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous and snaps and growls at him until he backs off.
So some time goes by and eventually another ship wrecks on the island, this time carrying a beautiful blonde with flawless skin, a gorgeous face, double D’s and a perfect booty.
The man can’t believe it. He looks to the heavens and says “thank you, God! You have answered my prayers, thank you, thank you!”
The man looks to the woman and says “would ya mind taking that dog for a walk?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81bfuw/a_man_is_ship_wrecked_on_an_island_with_a_dog_and/
%
Bubba died in a fire in his trailer.

He was very badly burned and needed someone to identify him, so the morgue called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe.
Jim-Bob went in and and said "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, it ain't Bubba."
Not saying a thing, but finding it strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over," said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "It ain't Bubba."
"How can you tell?" asked the mortician.
"Bubba had two assholes," replied Billy-Joe. "Two assholes? That's impossible!" said the mortician.
"Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two assholes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81bdzk/bubba_died_in_a_fire_in_his_trailer/
%
I saw an ad for a php developer at Pornhub the other day

It was really attractive but I don't know if I could bring myself to admit before my friends and family that I do php

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81bdxe/i_saw_an_ad_for_a_php_developer_at_pornhub_the/
%
Trump asks a man to give an example of a tragedy

The man: “Well, my cousin passed away, that was a tragedy.”
Trump: “No believe me that was a loss, not a tragedy.”
The man: “Okay well my sister tripped and sprained her ankle, that was a tragedy.”
Trump: “Hmm, no that was an accident.”
For the third time, the man says: “Okay let’s say you were flying in a plane and it was shot down, that would be a tragedy.”
Trump: “Good! Now why is that a tragedy?”.
“Well, Mr. Trump, it was certainly no loss and I am sure it was not an accident!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81bdec/trump_asks_a_man_to_give_an_example_of_a_tragedy/
%
A blind man walks into a convenience store with his service dog

He heads down an aisle and pauses, his faithful Golden Retriever by his side. With a grunt he picks the dog up by the leash and starts swinging him in circles over his head.
*Wooosh wooosh wooosh*
Bags of chips are flying around and candy bars are falling to the floor, along with a clamorous noise.
The frustrated store clerk yells at the man. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"
"I'm just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81b7ca/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_convenience_store_with/
%
Sinks can't open doors

Let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81b3zx/sinks_cant_open_doors/
%
Why will Congress never impeach Trump?

Because Republicans insist on carrying a baby to its full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81b2y6/why_will_congress_never_impeach_trump/
%
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they’d be called bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81b2oj/why_dont_seagulls_fly_over_the_bay/
%
A Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81b284/a_chinese_doctor_opens_his_new_clinic/
%
I Call My Son "Mista"

It's short for Mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81azpl/i_call_my_son_mista/
%
I saved a cat today.

It was a ton of work getting him into my piggy bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81azeo/i_saved_a_cat_today/
%
How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81az27/how_do_farmers_party/
%
How do you know if your using a rectal thermometer wrong?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81axom/how_do_you_know_if_your_using_a_rectal/
%
Politicians are like Diapers

they should be changed regularly, and for the same reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81asxu/politicians_are_like_diapers/
%
Why did the junkie keep accidentally calling his dealer?

Because he had him on speed dial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81arfw/why_did_the_junkie_keep_accidentally_calling_his/
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What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women wild?

$100 dollar bills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81aqqa/whats_6_inches_long_2_inches_wide_and_drives/
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A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, othe redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81apv7/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead/
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What’s Darth Maul’s favourite alcoholic beverage?

*Qui-Gon* Gin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81annn/whats_darth_mauls_favourite_alcoholic_beverage/
%
Checkmate Democrats

If teachers don't have arms, how are they supposed to write on the board?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81anj3/checkmate_democrats/
%
Most people have 32 teeth. Some people have 10...

It's simple meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81akzz/most_people_have_32_teeth_some_people_have_10/
%
What does Donald Trump and a pornstar have in common?

They are both experts at switching positions in front of a camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81akbp/what_does_donald_trump_and_a_pornstar_have_in/
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'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ajra/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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Another Trump joke

Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81aful/another_trump_joke/
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Two Best Friends

Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time. They decided that in spite of their two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was a psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was a proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again.
They came up with Queers and Rears. That didn't satisfy the town council either.
Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81adxm/two_best_friends/
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[Political] I'm surprised Trump hasn't banned the sale of shredded cheese yet.

He said he would "Make America Grate Again"
(Sorry, that was a cheesy joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81ac5p/political_im_surprised_trump_hasnt_banned_the/
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Never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81abz9/never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
"Getting kicked in the balls hurt more than giving birth."

The woman asked, "How would you know? You're only a man."
The man replied, "Yeah, but you women always say, 'let's have another one.'."
"So?"
"You don't kick a guy in the balls and hear him tell you to do it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81aazh/getting_kicked_in_the_balls_hurt_more_than_giving/
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Another married couple was on vacation in Jamaica

Richard and Wendy were newlyweds, on their honeymoon in Jamaica. They were sitting on the beach in front of their small bungalow near Kingston.
"I barely remember last night, Wendy," said Richard, sipping his dark and stormy, "It was all a blur. What did I... and why does my..."
"Well, Richard, we went to that tattoo parlor..."
"We WHAT? You're not telling me I got a... there's no way I got a tattoo THERE!"
"I think you did, Richard. You said that... you can lose a ring, but this will be a sign of your love for me forever. I tried to talk you out of it, but I was drunk too, and..."
"NO!" Richard looks down and reaches for his swim trunks, but Wendy stops him.
"Wait! Don't do this here, it's so crowded! There's a nude beach right around the corner. Let's go there."
They head to the nude beach and leave their swimsuits in a locker. Richard looks down.
"It says... WY? For Wyoming?"
"It says WENDY, but... when you were getting the tattoo, you had a throbbing erection. When it went away, it just said WY."
"This is unbelievable!"
Wendy notices a Jamaican man walking by. "Richard, look! He has the same tattoo! Excuse me, sir?"
"Ya mon?"
"Do you have a wife named Wendy?"
"What do you mean, mon?"
"Well, my husband has the same tattoo. Look! It says WY, WENDY, just like yours!"
"No mon, it says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA HAVE A NICE DAY!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81a786/another_married_couple_was_on_vacation_in_jamaica/
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I really want to make a joke about unfinished dough

But its not kneaded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81a2sp/i_really_want_to_make_a_joke_about_unfinished/
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I caught my brother balls deep in peanut butter...

I wondered why anyone would name a dog peanut butter.
A friend told me this hopefully it hasn't been posted here before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81a0x0/i_caught_my_brother_balls_deep_in_peanut_butter/
%
When i was 15 my dad pulled me aside

"listen, your mom wants me to talk to you about sex" i looked at him and said "dad... All you have to do is ask.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81a0nr/when_i_was_15_my_dad_pulled_me_aside/
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A duck was standing on the curb

Cars zoomed past the duck while he waited for a break in traffic. A chicken walked up to him and said "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/819zxn/a_duck_was_standing_on_the_curb/
%
Sparkling water is definitely a German invention

Who else would put gas in water?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/819zi1/sparkling_water_is_definitely_a_german_invention/
%
What made Rice Krispies long before Kellogg’s?

The Atomic Bomb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/819yfg/what_made_rice_krispies_long_before_kelloggs/
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My wife was like: "Are you even listening to what I'm saying?!?"

And I was like... that's a strange way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/819tvi/my_wife_was_like_are_you_even_listening_to_what/
%
I got an email from my girlfriend. It said, "Can you send me a photograph of my best body part?"

So I emailed her back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/819nit/i_got_an_email_from_my_girlfriend_it_said_can_you/
%
Dating is cuddling on the sofa.

Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/819k78/dating_is_cuddling_on_the_sofa/
%
why can't you solve a redneck crime

because there are no dental records and all the DNA is the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/819k4v/why_cant_you_solve_a_redneck_crime/
%
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army.

I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/819gh9/i_managed_to_lose_my_rifle_when_i_was_in_the_army/
%
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”

“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/819gcx/my_wife_suffers_from_a_drinking_problem/
%
Long life

A old friend of mine passed the other day, she was  107 years old, I asked her once what her secret to living so long was, she told me that when she was a child she asked her great grandfather the same question and he told her to sprinkle a teaspoon of gunpowder on top of her oatmeal every morning, and she and all her family has followed that advice, it worked apparently, she left behind 7 children, 17 grandchildren, 29 great grandchildren, 42 great great grandchildren, and a 40 foot crater where the crematorium used to be...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/819fjd/long_life/
%
Three guys are stranded on a cannibal island

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/819efy/three_guys_are_stranded_on_a_cannibal_island/
%
Did you hear the joke about Jonestown?

The punchline was really long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8194fk/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_jonestown/
%
An Englishman, A Scotsman, and An Irishman are building a skyscraper...

They’re all sat on a construction beam on their brake, about to have their lunch.
The Englishman opens his lunch box and angrily says “Ham again! If I get ham on my sandwich again tomorrow I’m gonna jump!”
The Scotsman opens up his lunchbox and angrily says “Corned beef again! If I get corned beef again tomorrow I’ll jump with you mate!”
Finally the Irishman opens up his sandwich and angrily says “Cheese again! If I get cheese again tomorrow I’ll jump with both of you!”
The next day the three workers open their lunchboxes. The Englishman gets ham in his sandwich and jumps, the Scotsman get corned beef in his sandwich and jumps, and the Irishman gets cheese in his sandwich again and jumps.
A few weeks later, at the funeral for the three men the Englishman’s wife is crying and saying “If only he’d told me he didn’t want ham then I’d have made him something different!”
And the Scotsman’s wife is crying and saying “If only he’d told me he didn’t want corned beef then I’d have made him something different!”
The Irishman’s wife however, is not crying but is confused and says “I don’t get it! He made his own sandwiches!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/818y6p/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are/
%
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/818wrk/its_just_too_hot_to_wear_clothes_today_jack_says/
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I swallowed two pieces of string and later they came out tied together...

I shit you knot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/818ti8/i_swallowed_two_pieces_of_string_and_later_they/
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Going to Heaven

One day, three men died and went to hell. Satan was there and the three guys asked to be sent to heaven. However, Satan said that only the good people can go to heaven. So he let them give him a question each. If Satan can answer their questions correctly, the person will stay in Hell; but if Satan didn't answer it correctly the person can go to Heaven.
So the first person tries. He was a Mathematician, and he gave Satan a very tough maths formula. But Satan solved it in no time. So the mathematician goes to Hell.
The second person, who happens to be a scientist, gave it a try. He asked Satan to prove a very difficult Science question involving Quantum Theory and Newton's law and whatever sh*t in between. Once again Satan managed to answer correctly, so the man goes to Hell.
The last guy goes forward. He was an Engineer, so Satan laughed at him. Nonetheless, he asked to be given a chair and an electric drill, and he was given those things. So he drilled five identical holes in a circle in the middle of the chair, sat on the chair and farted.
He asked Satan, "Which hole did I fart through?"
Satan examined the chair and measured the diameter of every hole. He turned the chair in every way possible. Finally, he said exasperated, "this hole", pointing to the fifth hole.
"WRONG!!... Haha... I farted through my ASSHOLE!!!.... I go to Heaven!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/818p4t/going_to_heaven/
%
What did the teacher tell the orange to do in class?

Concentrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/818k96/what_did_the_teacher_tell_the_orange_to_do_in/
%
My wife wanted to visit a jubilant psychic, and I wanted to see a jovial palm reader.

Thankfully, we managed to find a happy medium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/818jy6/my_wife_wanted_to_visit_a_jubilant_psychic_and_i/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

A blind man walks into a bar, without know its a lesbian bar, and says to the bartender:
"I have the world's best blonde joke. You wanna hear it?"
The bartender says "Hey, just so you know, I'm the world champion in wrestling. The girl next to you is the world champion in taekwondo and that girl over there is the world champion in kickboxing, and we're all blonde. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?"
The guy replies "Haha, no thanks. I don't really feel like explaining the joke three times over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/818cp6/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Hear about the cross-eyed teacher who got fired?

He couldn't control his pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8187jx/hear_about_the_crosseyed_teacher_who_got_fired/
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The Master Key Vs A Broken Lock

A girl once asked, “Why can guys sleep with thousands of women, they are a legend, but when a girl sleeps with 3 guys she is a whore?” I said, “When a key can open any lock, it’s called a master key. When a lock is opened by any key, it’s called a broken lock.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8186qa/the_master_key_vs_a_broken_lock/
%
I’m so indecisive!

Actually uhh wait no I’m not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81864t/im_so_indecisive/
%
A trespasser was caught with his pants down at the Louvre, humping the Venus de Milo

He was charged with statuary rape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8185xw/a_trespasser_was_caught_with_his_pants_down_at/
%
As a purple faced man, one day I hope to meet a purple faced women...

They tell me I shouldn't hold my breath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8184ln/as_a_purple_faced_man_one_day_i_hope_to_meet_a/
%
I once saw the police running after a man in his underwear

It was a brief chase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8184bu/i_once_saw_the_police_running_after_a_man_in_his/
%
Told my girlfriend that we'll be married one day.

That's much better than being married to her for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8181is/told_my_girlfriend_that_well_be_married_one_day/
%
Two gay deers walk out of a gay bar

And one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8181fo/two_gay_deers_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
I wrote a song about a tortilla

well actually it’s more of a wrap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8181e8/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
%
If Snapchat has taught me anything

it's that a lot of you females look better as farm animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/817zww/if_snapchat_has_taught_me_anything/
%
I was in a cab today

...and the cab driver said, " I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.... Then I said, "turn left".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/817ziw/i_was_in_a_cab_today/
%
Why do you need security guard at cementry ?

Beacuse people are dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/817yj1/why_do_you_need_security_guard_at_cementry/
%
Did you hear about the limo driver who drove for 20 years but never found a client?

All that time wasted with nothing to chauffeur it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/817y5v/did_you_hear_about_the_limo_driver_who_drove_for/
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You wouldn’t believe how close I was to a threesome last night!

Two more people and I would have had it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/817s4b/you_wouldnt_believe_how_close_i_was_to_a/
%
‘When one door closes another one opens,’ he said.

‘That is great,’ I replied, ‘nevertheless I want you to repair the car before you sell it to me.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/817ib5/when_one_door_closes_another_one_opens_he_said/
%
Did you hear about the spread of Buddhism to China?

There was mass Confucian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/817bh3/did_you_hear_about_the_spread_of_buddhism_to_china/
%
Guess who‘s no longer a 24 year old virgin...

...i turned 25 yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8179ft/guess_whos_no_longer_a_24_year_old_virgin/
%
Did you hear about the hungry clock?

It went back four seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8179c0/did_you_hear_about_the_hungry_clock/
%
My girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still is not talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8178y6/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_pass_her_lipstick_but_i/
%
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job...

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:
“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81762z/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
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I thought if I removed a snail's shell it would become faster

But instead it became more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81731q/i_thought_if_i_removed_a_snails_shell_it_would/
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My cat went missing, so I photocopied a bunch of pictures of her, and I need your help

I've been told r/jokes is the best sub for posting copies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8171fb/my_cat_went_missing_so_i_photocopied_a_bunch_of/
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What do you say after sex to make it awkward?

Do you have a washcloth? My dog usually cleans me up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8170so/what_do_you_say_after_sex_to_make_it_awkward/
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I hate people who don't wash their hands

They make me sick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/816uzk/i_hate_people_who_dont_wash_their_hands/
%
My girlfriend told me I’m like negative cosine multiplied by tangent...

My friends told me not to worry about it, but I think it’s a negative sine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/816uf7/my_girlfriend_told_me_im_like_negative_cosine/
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A kid asks the Sunday school teacher which part of the body goes to Heaven first. The teacher decides to make it a lesson and asks the kids what they think.

Sarah says 'it's your brain, because that's what controls everything'
Tina says 'it's your heart, because that's where Jesus lives'
Johnny yells out 'your feet!'
The teacher asks why the feet.
Johnny replies 'because I looked in Mrs Brown's bedroom window this morning and she had her feet in the air screaming 'Jesus! I'm coming!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/816ltz/a_kid_asks_the_sunday_school_teacher_which_part/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

They lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/816knx/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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Chocolate ice cream

A lady walks into an ice cream shop and looks around. Walks up to the counter and asks for a gallon of chocolate ice cream. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I just ran out of chocolate but I have vanilla and strawberry."
"Oh, ok. let's see.... let me get a half gallon of chocolate."
"Lady, I just told you I don't have any more chocolate but I can give you vanilla or strawberry."
"Oh, silly me! Why don't you just give me a quart of chocolate ice cream."
"Lady, let me ask you something. Can you spell the van in vanilla?"
She's puzzled but says, "Sure, V-A-N, van."
"Good, now can you spell the straw in strawberry?"
"Yeah, S-T-R-A-W, straw"
"Right, now can you spell the fuck in chocolate?"
She thinks for a second and says "There is no fuck in chocolate"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
Ba dum tsh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/816ghb/chocolate_ice_cream/
%
I was watching a daytime talk show when the host claims, "People that have sex every day are happier on average."

The host went on to ask the audience, "By a show of hands, who here has sex at least once a day?"  A small group of the audience sheepishly raise their hands.
The host continues by asking, "Ok, how many of you have sex once a week?".  This time around more hands go up from the audience.
"Alright everyone, I'm sure some of you only have sex once a month or less than that!" the host exclaims.
"Does anyone here have sex once a year?!" she asked.
The audience and host are looking around and waaaay in the back of the room there's a hand waving about frantically, the host sees this and walks back to interview the man.
"Sir for someone only having sex once a year, you seem incredibly happy."
Grinning away the man replies, "Yes ma'am, and today's the day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/816e84/i_was_watching_a_daytime_talk_show_when_the_host/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/816e5j/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
If I had a dollar for every time a woman called me handsome...

I’d have $1.
Thanks mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8166yq/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_a_woman_called/
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At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8164pd/at_the_touch_of_her_lips_it_grew_long_and_swollen/
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A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting."

I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8163fo/a_vegan_said_to_me_people_who_sell_meat_are/
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My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters,

but when I borrow a dress suddenly we "need to talk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8163c2/my_girlfriend_is_always_stealing_my_shirts_and/
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Falling in love is like eating paint chips.

Things might look pretty now, but in time you're going to feel dumb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8160k2/falling_in_love_is_like_eating_paint_chips/
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People without feet really piss me off...

I'm Lack Toes Intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/815ykj/people_without_feet_really_piss_me_off/
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I finally got my encyclopedia of Canada!

Now I can learn everything about Canada from Eh to Z.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/815yb8/i_finally_got_my_encyclopedia_of_canada/
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Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

but most only have 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/815x6m/did_you_know_alligators_can_grow_up_to_15_feet/
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What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

a chicken tender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/815t9f/what_do_you_call_someone_who_takes_care_of/
%
Teacher draws the picture of a heart on the board and asks..

"What is this,Sam?"
Sam:"Sir,it's a butt".
Teacher:"WHAT?How dare you?"
"What is this Billy?"
"It's a butt,sir".
Frustrated the teacher responds,
"This is enough!I am calling the principal now!"
Then he heads to call the principal.
Principal:"Why the hell are you guys joking with your teacher?!"
Students shout all at once,"We are not sir!"
Principal:"Then who hell drew this butt on the board?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/815rnq/teacher_draws_the_picture_of_a_heart_on_the_board/
%
"Polar bears can't jump."

-Black Bears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/815q6p/polar_bears_cant_jump/
%
A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator on a leash... (NSFW)

As he walks in, all the patrons of the bar gasp.
The man then says, "Relax. He is very trained. Here; watch!"
He plops his 5 foot long pet alligator on the bar counter and says, "Open!"
The alligator's mouth opens wide, then the man unzips his pants and proceeds to stick his d*ck in it.
He holds this position for 5 minutes until he zips back up and tells the alligator, "Close." And it does.
The man then asks if there is anyone else in the bar who wants to try.
An old man from a corner of the bar shouts, "Boy, I'll sure try but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/815mpk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_alligator_on/
%
Click here if you want to hear a joke about a ghost

That's the spirit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/815f4h/click_here_if_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_a/
%
4 people are on a boat with 5 cigarettes and no way to burn them. How do they all smoke?

Take a cigarette and throw it of the boat so the boat becomes
...
A cigarette lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8158ew/4_people_are_on_a_boat_with_5_cigarettes_and_no/
%
I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”

He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8156pz/i_said_to_the_gym_instructor_can_you_teach_me_to/
%
The good doctor

Dr. Jones was having mixed feeling after having intercourse with a patient. One voice kept saying "follow your heart" another kept saying "remember, you're a vet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8155dj/the_good_doctor/
%
What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette?

Your camera

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814y5z/what_do_you_get_when_a_topless_blonde_rubs/
%
I couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang earlier.

But it's just come back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814y3g/i_couldnt_remember_how_to_throw_a_boomerang/
%
After masturbating to all that weird porn I thought to myself...

What have I come to?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814sj0/after_masturbating_to_all_that_weird_porn_i/
%
What is Green and weighs not that much

Light Green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814p8m/what_is_green_and_weighs_not_that_much/
%
My 65 year old mum bought one of those sphynx cats the other day.

Now she's going around telling everyone about her new bald pussy!
True
Mother
Fucking
Story!!
Face-palm!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814m7q/my_65_year_old_mum_bought_one_of_those_sphynx/
%
Last night, I walked into a bar. The bartender told me...

"Don't waste your time. it's been posted and and reposted at least a hundred times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814lzy/last_night_i_walked_into_a_bar_the_bartender_told/
%
is jeff here?

Jeff: yes!
Geoff: Yeos!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814luh/is_jeff_here/
%
At my job, I have 500 people under me.

I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814l64/at_my_job_i_have_500_people_under_me/
%
I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone.

And I'm left with the maniac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814kwr/i_married_a_nymphomaniac_now_after_5_years_of/
%
Princess Diana and Pink Floyd has a lot in common

Both their greatest hits was the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814kpf/princess_diana_and_pink_floyd_has_a_lot_in_common/
%
A hunter comes home with a deer and tells his wife to cook it for dinner that night

The hunter's wife obeys and serves it to the family for dinner. Before the children start eating, the wife has them guess what kind of meat it is.
She gives a clue: "It's what I call your father."
The hunter's son pushes away his plate, shouting, "Don't eat it, it's a fucking dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814hoo/a_hunter_comes_home_with_a_deer_and_tells_his/
%
The pub is ten minutes from my house...

However, my house is two hours from the pub...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814hc1/the_pub_is_ten_minutes_from_my_house/
%
I met a girl with 12 nipples today.

Sounds funny, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814h4y/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples_today/
%
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A question mark walks into a bar?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814f5i/an_oxford_comma_walks_into_a_bar_where_it_spends/
%
A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife

Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"
Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814ee3/a_man_stayed_late_at_the_pub_after_work_when_he/
%
How did the subway guy lose his job?

The same way he got it: trying to get into a smaller pair of pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814dtw/how_did_the_subway_guy_lose_his_job/
%
A bloke just walked passed me shouting “you’re a trifle, an absolute gateaux... you’re totally covered in sugar.”

It was all rather unsavoury

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814amb/a_bloke_just_walked_passed_me_shouting_youre_a/
%
Everyone jokes that everything in Australia can kill you.

You know what probably won’t kill you?
An Assault rifle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81475a/everyone_jokes_that_everything_in_australia_can/
%
What do you call a person that only speaks one language?

American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8143cr/what_do_you_call_a_person_that_only_speaks_one/
%
Why was Cinderella so bad at tennis?

Because her coach was a pumpkin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/814099/why_was_cinderella_so_bad_at_tennis/
%
A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined  the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/813xjd/a_man_sees_a_sign_outside_a_house_talking_dog_for/
%
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to to hear it...

Then my illegal logging business is a success

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/813u2d/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_forest_and_no_one_is/
%
What's Irish and stays out on your deck?

Paddy O'furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/813jyz/whats_irish_and_stays_out_on_your_deck/
%
A couple of secs

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, intercourse, puberty and menstruation.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple is two people like your mom and me." And he goes on to describe gay, lesbianism, etc...
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..." the girl replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/813cp4/a_couple_of_secs/
%
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.

According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled,
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/813b51/a_truck_loaded_with_thousands_of_copies_of_rogets/
%
I can usually hit the toilet when I take a leak standing up...

But when I’ve been drinking, it’s sit or miss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8139j1/i_can_usually_hit_the_toilet_when_i_take_a_leak/
%
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two: one to screw it in most of the way, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8132qx/how_many_mystery_writers_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
This girl told me she'd date me when pigs fly.

Right now this challenge is on hold the local farmer isn't letting me buy a fourth pig after the other three accidents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/812zk5/this_girl_told_me_shed_date_me_when_pigs_fly/
%
My boss showed up to work in a brand new sports car

“Wow, that is a really amazing car” I said to him
“Thanks” he replied, “If you work hard, strive for excellence, and always put in your hours, I’ll buy another one next year”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/812xcm/my_boss_showed_up_to_work_in_a_brand_new_sports/
%
Donald Trump's lawyer walks into a bar…

... And sits down next to Trump.
He says, "I'm sorry  but I can't really help you. You're looking at life in prison for treason."
Frustrated, Trump pays the bartender and storms out. On his way out he accidentally bumps into Mike Pence.
He says to Pence, "Pardon me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/812x2j/donald_trumps_lawyer_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Everytime I hear, there's a bun in the oven

I can only think of the inefficiency in cooking one bun at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/812uz1/everytime_i_hear_theres_a_bun_in_the_oven/
%
There are 2 types of lists that bother me

1) Self-referential lists
B. Inconsistently formatted lists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/812oyd/there_are_2_types_of_lists_that_bother_me/
%
[NSFW] Russian cam models are currently being investigated.

They're accused of meddling in U.S. erections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/812jj8/nsfw_russian_cam_models_are_currently_being/
%
What do you call Muhammad Ali after he eats a burrito?

Gaseous Clay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/812fqp/what_do_you_call_muhammad_ali_after_he_eats_a/
%
What's the best part about getting married when you're a hillbilly?

You only have to send invitations to one family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/812dzg/whats_the_best_part_about_getting_married_when/
%
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers!"

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/812a0g/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers/
%
The Trump administration is like the International Space Station

They're in constant free fall, and they needed Russia's help to get there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8129qp/the_trump_administration_is_like_the/
%
According to chemistry,

Alcohol is definately a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8128hw/according_to_chemistry/
%
How do ducks know when they’ve reached puberty?

Their voice quacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8126cr/how_do_ducks_know_when_theyve_reached_puberty/
%
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8124kh/a_sunday_school_teacher_is_concerned_that_his/
%
I got a Harley for my wife

Pretty good trade if you ask me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/811xsn/i_got_a_harley_for_my_wife/
%
How do you make holy water?

Take regular water and boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/811x8w/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
My last ride......

.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/811woz/my_last_ride/
%
For five years I simply couldn't figure out how to use a seatbelt.

then it clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/811qm0/for_five_years_i_simply_couldnt_figure_out_how_to/
%
A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.

The answer is the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/811gto/a_man_goes_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_up_as_a/
%
Why were the Star Wars movies released in that order?

In charge of sequence, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/811ga6/why_were_the_star_wars_movies_released_in_that/
%
Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

I guess not!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/811bp9/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_clickbait/
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving...

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8117dg/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
I once set a crippled kid on fire...

I call it “Hot Wheels”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8116ys/i_once_set_a_crippled_kid_on_fire/
%
My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore...

My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would need to quit.
Then I caught her buying expensive makeups.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her that's what the beer was for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8115i4/my_wife_told_me_we_couldnt_afford_beer_anymore/
%
How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood!  Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.  They
searched the shed where the firewood is kept.  Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8115fr/how_rednecks_get_things_done/
%
I never understood the expression "for shits and giggles"

Until my girlfriend tickled me when I had the stomach flu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8115bz/i_never_understood_the_expression_for_shits_and/
%
My new joke

We were eating lunch at this place that was serving tequila chicken, but after the meal one of the guys questioned picking that particular menu item.
Him: I'm not sure that was chicken at all.
Me: Maybe it was tequila mockingbird.
Pa dum dum dishhh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810z78/my_new_joke/
%
Drugs don’t ruin your career

Drug tests do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810z6s/drugs_dont_ruin_your_career/
%
"I flicked through one of your porn mags earlier," said my son.

"Oh my god!" I gasped. "How did you find it?!"
He said, "Pretty good, but a few of them were ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810yyg/i_flicked_through_one_of_your_porn_mags_earlier/
%
What do you call a mathematician who’s also a bitch?

The thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810x58/what_do_you_call_a_mathematician_whos_also_a_bitch/
%
An 18 year old walks into a bar with an AR-15

He gets kicked out as he is below the drinking age

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810u7l/an_18_year_old_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_ar15/
%
George W Bush, Barack Obama, and Trump all die and go to heaven.

Upon arriving, God asks them respectively what they believe in.
Bush said he believes in American exceptionalism, the right to bear arms, and the free market.
God said alright, you can take this seat to my right.
Obama said he believes in everyone having Healthcare, equal rights for all, and sustainability.
God invited him to take the seat to His left.
Trump said "I believe you're in my seat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810sxa/george_w_bush_barack_obama_and_trump_all_die_and/
%
I threw a bukkake party for my girlfriend.

Everybody came, you should’ve seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810sdn/i_threw_a_bukkake_party_for_my_girlfriend/
%
I was depressed and found a genie.

He offered me one wish, so I said I wished I could be hung.
**POOF!** my penis doubled in length.
It was then I realized that the proper word was “hanged”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810qu2/i_was_depressed_and_found_a_genie/
%
Four men and their dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man as an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly Drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
The the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the circle of paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810pjs/four_men_and_their_dogs/
%
A friend wondered how to be popular with the ladies.

A friend asked my what he could do to attract the ladies like me.  I gave him a look over and said that he should stick a potato down his pants.  He said he'd try it and left.
A few days later he came back and said, "I put a potato down my pants like you suggested and the ladies still aren't interested in me."
I gave him a look and said, "The potato goes in the front!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810i9m/a_friend_wondered_how_to_be_popular_with_the/
%
A penguin is driving through the desert...

and all of a sudden his car breaks down. He takes it to a nearby shop. The penguin leaves the car at the shop and goes to get ice cream. The clumsy little penguin spills ice cream all over himself. Suddenly, he remembers his car at the shop. He quickly runs back without cleaning the ice cream off of himself. Once at the shop, the penguin checks in with the mechanic.
"Looks like you blew a seal." the mechanic says.
"No- I was just eating ice cream." the penguin replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810ftt/a_penguin_is_driving_through_the_desert/
%
A teacher in class with her students

+ Alright kids, so what does the chicken give us?
- Eggs! They answer in unison.
+ Very good! And what does the pig give us?
- Meat!
+ Excellent! And how about the cow?
- Homework!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810cya/a_teacher_in_class_with_her_students/
%
A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control

His turn comes and he steps to the agent.
The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"
The Brit responds, “Right, so that's still a requirement?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810bup/a_brit_lands_in_sydney_and_is_awaiting_passport/
%
1234

After a few years of married life, a husband finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor tells him it's all in his mind and referred the husband to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the doctor confessed,"I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist referred him to witch doctor.
So he goes to the witch doctor, who says "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor what to do afterwards. The witch doctor's reply was "All you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and the witch doctor's magic began to work.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810bbu/1234/
%
What do you call a working class vegetable?

A blue collared green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8106i3/what_do_you_call_a_working_class_vegetable/
%
You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country

The White House seems to always be hiring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/810672/you_can_really_see_how_much_trump_cares_about/
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How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?

They don’t change it, they try to accept it for who it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/81057b/how_many_canadians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Thanks for explaining the word ”many” to me.

It means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80zyhr/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
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A Vegan Couple at a Restaurant : Hey waiter, We're vegan! What should we get?

Waiter : A taxi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80zrmb/a_vegan_couple_at_a_restaurant_hey_waiter_were/
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A redneck calls emergency services

...and he tells the operator "Hey there, Ah just ran into a pig with my pickup truck and he's all kicking around and squealing and shit".
And the operator says "All right, do you have a gun in your truck?" and the redneck says "Ah sure do" and the operator says "In that case I think you ought to put that poor pig out of its misery" and the redneck says "All right".
There's the sound of a bang and then the redneck comes back to the phone, and the operator says "Now, is your truck damaged at all or is it OK to drive?" and the redneck says "It's a bit bent up at the front" and the operator says "In that case, can you get your truck off the road until we can get some help to you?"
And the redneck says "Naw, I can't move the truck right now", and the operator says "What's the problem", and the redneck says "Well, when I hit that pig, his Harley got all caught up in the bull bars..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80zng6/a_redneck_calls_emergency_services/
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[meta*] surprising new science shows that the way humans understand jokes can be acurately modelled by fluid dynamics

let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80zml4/meta_surprising_new_science_shows_that_the_way/
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

Ones a Goodyear while the others a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80zkno/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise...

It sounded like someone was using a eraser.  He walks towards a grave and it gets louder.  So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says "Mozart what are you doing!"  Then Mozart says "I'm decomposing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80zbym/a_mans_walking_in_a_cemetery_and_he_hears_this/
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Did you hear about the guy who masturbated at the newsstand?

It was all over the papers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80z6bt/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_masturbated_at_the/
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80z69n/my_therapist_says_i_have_a_preoccupation_with/
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Procrastination is like masturbation...

It might feel good at first...
... But in the end, you're just fucking yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80z5id/procrastination_is_like_masturbation/
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Jesus said to peter come forth and you shall receive eternal life

But Peter came fifth and got a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80yzns/jesus_said_to_peter_come_forth_and_you_shall/
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I live in a really bad neighborhood. A young girl was pounding on my door all night.

Eventually I had to let her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80yx56/i_live_in_a_really_bad_neighborhood_a_young_girl/
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With great memes...

...comes great repost ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ypg7/with_great_memes/
%
I found a butterfly outside with no wings. So I poured some red bull on it and BAM...

It drowned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ynnf/i_found_a_butterfly_outside_with_no_wings_so_i/
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Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find an old lamp.

"Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms ""You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."" The first guy immediately blurts out ""I want a billion dollars."" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says ""I want to be the richest man alive."" POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says ""I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."" POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: ""I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."" POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says ""I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."" POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says ""I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."" POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says ""I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."" POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says ""I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."" POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says ""My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."" POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: ""I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."" Second guy smiles and says ""Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."" Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
""Guys, I think I fucked up."""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80yek6/three_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/
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What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who has run out of supplements?

No Whey Jose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80yejh/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_bodybuilder_who_has/
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Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80y8jg/wife_i_look_fat_can_you_give_me_a_compliment/
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Two Good Ol' Boys

Two good ol’ boys in a Kentucky trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Ford plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80y84t/two_good_ol_boys/
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Have you heard of the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

Every time someone goes in the bathroom and locks the door, you take four shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80y3rs/have_you_heard_of_the_oscar_pistorius_drinking/
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What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

Micro trans-action

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80y3k0/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_transgender_midgets/
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Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition...

... And discovered that he had seriously misunderstood the objective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80y0pc/dr_frankenstein_entered_a_bodybuilding_competition/
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I'd make a joke about Steve Irwin's death...

...But reddit doesn't have a "cry" key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80xyz9/id_make_a_joke_about_steve_irwins_death/
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Jokes about 9/11 are just plane wrong

Ill give you all a crash course later. There's allah to talk about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80xk2e/jokes_about_911_are_just_plane_wrong/
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Leonard and David

were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and Leonard suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling Leonard out. The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, Leonard didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80xiru/leonard_and_david/
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I have a coffee sweater.

I put it on over my tea shirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80xilu/i_have_a_coffee_sweater/
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It's the First World War, and a French Battalion and a German Battalion face each other in the trenches.

It's a rather slow day, and the Krauts sit bored in their trenches. Then, a young corporal speaks: "We really need to kill more frenchies! What can we do to lure them out?"
A young recruit asks, "What is a typical french name?"
Another answers, "Pierre."
The young recruit gets up, puts his rifle on the edge of the trench, aims, then shouts, "Pierre!!"
From the other trench, a blue helmed head pops up, and answeres, "Oui?"
*Bang!* The frenchman falls over dead.
The german shouts again, "Pierre!!"
Another french man looks up, asking "Oui?"
*Bang!* He is dead as well.
This continues for another half an hour, with the germans having a whale of a good time.
The french commanders stick their heads together.
"This can't continue! Our men are dying like flies!"
"Can't we turn that tactic on them, as well?"
The french think.
"What's a typical German name?"
"Erich."
They decide to try it out immediatly. They send a soldier out with their new master plan. He get's his rifle, nervously peeks out of the trench at the german line, then shouts: "Erich!!"
Nothing happens.
He shouts again, "Erich!!"
Still, no answer.
Slightly annoyed, he shouts louder. "ERICH!!"
From the other side, a german voice in french asks,
"Is that you, Pierre?"
The french soldier looks up, "Oui!!",and *Bang*, get's shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80xhyw/its_the_first_world_war_and_a_french_battalion/
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What happens to a Jewish boy's foreskin as he reaches his coming of age?

(removed)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80xbjg/what_happens_to_a_jewish_boys_foreskin_as_he/
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An archery contest

Once upon a time there was an archery competition.
The first contestant, wearing a long cape covering his face, put a watermelon on a volunteer, took 100 paces away then turned and fired. The watermelon exploded. The archer took off his cape and claimed: I AM ROBINHOOD!
The second one with a hood put an apple above the volunteer head, took 200 paces and fired right through the apple. He then removed the hood and shouted: I AM BAYEK OF SIWA!
Finally, a third man with a mask lined up in position. He put a grape on the volunteer's head and went away for 500 paces. He shot, then grinned and said: ^^^^^I ^^^^^am ^^^^^sorry .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80xa8t/an_archery_contest/
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Yesterday I went to a costume party as a premature ejection

I just came in my pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80x7uy/yesterday_i_went_to_a_costume_party_as_a/
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So a baby seal walks into a bar...

and the barkeep says "What'll ya have little fella?" and the seal says "Anything but the Canadian club."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80x60g/so_a_baby_seal_walks_into_a_bar/
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Geoff went to the psychiatrist

He's very nervous and clearly embarrassed, so the psychiatrist allows him time to settle and asks what the problem is.
Geoff answers "I know it's ridiculous, but all my life I've been afraid of there being monsters under my bed. It started when I was 5 but I just never got over it. I'm 40 years old, and I've just had enough of the nightmares, please help me"
The psychiatrist recommends a 12 month treatment plan meeting once a week, and is sure this will be sufficient to overcome the nightmares.
Geoff says he will have to think about it, as he can't afford such an extensive treatment policy.
The next day he phones the psychiatrist and says he won't need treatment after all, he's cured.
The psychiatrist asks how he was cured so quickly, he responds "well, I really couldn't afford your treatment plan, so I went to a bar to drown my sorrows. I got chatting to the barman, and explained my problem, he recommended I cut the legs off my bed. There's definitely no monsters under there now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80x3v0/geoff_went_to_the_psychiatrist/
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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everyone who can run, swim, and jump is already in America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80x3il/why_doesnt_mexico_have_an_olympic_team/
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A guy is driving down the road when he spots a gypsy caravan with a sign outside saying, "readings £10"

Thinking, "this could be a laugh", he pulls over and enters the caravan.
The gypsy immediately grabs his hands, looks at them for a couple of seconds and stares into his eyes.
She says, "sweet child o' mine, livin' on a prayer ,stairway to heaven, don't dream it's over."
"wow", said the guy, "those are my favourite songs!"
"impressive", he continues, "please, tell me my future"
"can't" exclaims the gypsy, "I am just a four tune teller"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80x0jz/a_guy_is_driving_down_the_road_when_he_spots_a/
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A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat...

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80x0gz/a_kindergarten_student_told_his_teacher_hed_found/
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What's a poop job?

It's when you get shit done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80wzkn/whats_a_poop_job/
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I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80wzbb/i_went_to_the_patent_office_trying_to_register/
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I got into Cambridge university today!

But only lasted 5 minutes until security caught me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80wwu4/i_got_into_cambridge_university_today/
%
Why does the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80wsbg/why_does_the_military_use_acid/
%
Tinder is the opposite of sex ads

There are actually a ton of hot singles in my area but none of them want to fuck me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80wqqk/tinder_is_the_opposite_of_sex_ads/
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With great memes...

comes great repostability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80wouc/with_great_memes/
%
Lawyer: So, it says you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she was... extremely silly?

Mickey: No, I said she was fucking Goofy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80wjvf/lawyer_so_it_says_you_want_to_divorce_minnie/
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Why was Heisenberg's wife unhappy?

Cause, whenever he had the energy, he didn't have the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80wj9i/why_was_heisenbergs_wife_unhappy/
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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate unprotected sex?

It's fucking raw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80wj10/why_does_gordon_ramsay_hate_unprotected_sex/
%
What’s the most popular sport in Tamriel?

Molagball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80wi66/whats_the_most_popular_sport_in_tamriel/
%
There are two types of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

...can someone explain this joke to me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80wha1/there_are_two_types_of_people_those_who_can/
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I was going to post a time traveling joke

but it never made the front page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80wfl2/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_traveling_joke/
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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks

“Some asshole has got my pen.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80wew9/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
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I was in the library the other day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were?

I replied, "Dude, it's 2018, you can use whatever printer you want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80wbf3/i_was_in_the_library_the_other_day_when_a_black/
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February is ending today, but that's okay.

We'll March on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80w68d/february_is_ending_today_but_thats_okay/
%
I told the job interviewer I had premature ejaculation

Apparently that's not what he meant by 'shortcomings'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80w5fc/i_told_the_job_interviewer_i_had_premature/
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If you can think of a better fish pun

Let minnow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80w45f/if_you_can_think_of_a_better_fish_pun/
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-Dad, did you ever fall in love with a teacher?

-Yes son, the kindergarden teacher
-And what happened?
-Your mother was not amused, we had to take you to another school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80w3hs/dad_did_you_ever_fall_in_love_with_a_teacher/
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Why does someone who weighs 143 lb get more dates than someone who weighs 144 lb?

Because they’re not gross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80vynl/why_does_someone_who_weighs_143_lb_get_more_dates/
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A sad story...

A radio reporter decides that he would like to introduce how people lived before to his younger audience, so he goes to a remote village and seeks out the older living person there. After explaining his intentions he starts with the interview.
- Sir, I would like to ask you to tell me a happy story from your youth.
- A happy story? Well, there was this case when all the cows from the village got lost. So all the men from the village gathered and went out to find them. We searched a whole day and night when we have found the cattle in the woods. We got so happy that we have found them, that we fucked them all.
- Sir, this is not really something we can tell in the radio as we have younger audience as well. Do you have another happy story maybe?
- There was a time when all the sheep from the village got lost. So we have gathered all the men from the village and went out to find them. We searched for two days and two nights when we have finally found them on a meadow. We got so happy, we fucked them all!
- OK, let's try something else. Could you maybe tell me a sad story?
- A sad story you say? Well, there was the time when I got lost...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80vyek/a_sad_story/
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A mother and her young son...

A mother and her young son were having a bath together one night, when the son points in between his mother's legs and asks, "Mum, what's that?"
His Mum replies "Oh...that's where, uh, God hit me with his axe."
"That was a good shot" her son replies. "Right in the cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80vum6/a_mother_and_her_young_son/
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What do Japanese men do if they have erections?

Vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80vsst/what_do_japanese_men_do_if_they_have_erections/
%
With great power...

...comes huge electricity bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80vrga/with_great_power/
%
I think Trojan is a bad name for a condom brand...

...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80vr54/i_think_trojan_is_a_bad_name_for_a_condom_brand/
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

About 86 lbs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80vgh4/whats_the_difference_between_a_girlfriend_and_a/
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A poop walks into a bar.

He jumps up onto a bar stool and sits there for a moment, waiting to be served.
The barman spots the poop on the stool, looks around the bar and shouts, "HEY! How did this get here?!"
"Well, it's a long story... " says the poop, "basically, I woke up in the sewer last year and suddenly became aware of my existence. Since then I've travelled the globe and met many famous figures, including the Queen of England. I've helped doctors with their unsolved problems and cured many diseases that were thought to be incurable. I've travelled into outer space and back with some of the best astronauts in the world. I became a multi billionaire by investing in the stockmarket, then gave every penny to help children in need. Since I was in the neighbourhood, I though I'd nip into this bar, have a drink and continue my work on disproving Einstein's theory of Relativity. I haven't got long here though, I don't want to miss my appointment with the world leaders. We're making an agreement today on world peace."
The barman just stands there for a moment, mouth wide open. He looks directly at the poop and says, "You're talking shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80vezn/a_poop_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did the subatomic duck say?

Quark Quark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80vc98/what_did_the_subatomic_duck_say/
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Shoes are a bargain.

I bought two for the price of one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80v99f/shoes_are_a_bargain/
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My dad always tells me he never makes the same mistake twice.

That's why I am the only child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80v98y/my_dad_always_tells_me_he_never_makes_the_same/
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What's the difference between a short sighted marksman and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but can't hit..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80v7ht/whats_the_difference_between_a_short_sighted/
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I once stole a pornographic book

that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80v6p9/i_once_stole_a_pornographic_book/
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What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair?

Chocolate Chip Wookiee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80v2ym/what_do_you_call_chewbacca_when_he_has_chocolate/
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With great reflexes...

Comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80v2mq/with_great_reflexes/
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Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns?

So it doesn’t Hang Solow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80uz8w/why_does_princess_leia_keep_her_hair_tied_up_in/
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A woman goes to a doctor.

A woman goes to a doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.
The Doctor asks: “Whats the problem?”
The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he calmed right down. How does a glass of water do that?”
The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It keeps your mouth shut and that does the trick”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80uoql/a_woman_goes_to_a_doctor/
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An Ancient Greek man walks into his tailor’s shop with some torn togas...

Tailor: Euripides?
Man: Yeah, Eumenides?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80unyw/an_ancient_greek_man_walks_into_his_tailors_shop/
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They say the best way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror...

...it works well, because they usually kick me out of the restaurant very soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80umdm/they_say_the_best_way_to_lose_weight_is_to_eat/
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Two septic tanks are having a chat.

One says to the other, "You know, there's a whole world up there we can't see, with trees, clouds and sky, people and animals..."
The other one looks at him from the corner of his eye and replies, "Shut up! You're full of shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ul36/two_septic_tanks_are_having_a_chat/
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Researchers rolled an assortment of vegetables down a hill to see which would travel fastest

Stephen Hawking won by a landslide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ujo8/researchers_rolled_an_assortment_of_vegetables/
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I was sharing with a friend my opinion that women should come with instructions.

She replied, "Why? It's not like men read the instructions anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80uikx/i_was_sharing_with_a_friend_my_opinion_that_women/
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The way it is.

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ”Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”
”I still don’t get it” responded the Little Johnny.
”Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.
”Okay then…good night” said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ”OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ugmj/the_way_it_is/
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What happened to king Henry the VIII’s wife’s head?

(removed)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ue22/what_happened_to_king_henry_the_viiis_wifes_head/
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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ubj8/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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A son of a wealthy arab prince goes to college in europe

After a few months he gets a letter from his father asking how he is, and how's college life, etc.
And he replies to his father: "oh, everything is fine here, but it is really strange, most people here come to college by train and bus, and I'm the only one driving a golden Ferrari every day to classes"
And after a few days, he gets a letter from his father with a black credit card inside and a note saying: "Son, dont humiliate the family, here's the unlimited credit card, buy yourself a train too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80u19u/a_son_of_a_wealthy_arab_prince_goes_to_college_in/
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Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf

.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a ghost, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the ghost. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the ghost asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the ghost said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, ghost?"
" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!" So the ghost and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon. The ghost was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the ghost  looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
ghost smile –
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Really???
Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in ghosts???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80tzos/husband_takes_his_wife_to_play_her_first_game_of/
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My neighbors yelled and banged my door 3 in the morning, literally 3!

Luckly, I was still up practicing my bagpipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80tvdy/my_neighbors_yelled_and_banged_my_door_3_in_the/
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A monk is arrested for stealing cloth...

The police officer let's him go with a warning, tells him not to make a habit of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80tv7h/a_monk_is_arrested_for_stealing_cloth/
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I told my friend that I talked to God.

He said, "Pfft...No way."
I said "Yahweh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ts43/i_told_my_friend_that_i_talked_to_god/
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A man walks into a bar,

But a midget walks under a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80to92/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I never realised Dwayne Johnson lived in the apartment above us.

All this time we had been living under a rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80tjkc/i_never_realised_dwayne_johnson_lived_in_the/
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An Irish priest is driving along a country road

when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80term/an_irish_priest_is_driving_along_a_country_road/
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You know why the Bible is better than the dictionary?

The dictionary has verbs, but the Bible has PROverbs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80td8j/you_know_why_the_bible_is_better_than_the/
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I crushed my coke can today...

It was soda pressing :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80tcke/i_crushed_my_coke_can_today/
%
Why is EA the most hated video game company in America?

Because Konami is in Japan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80tb4x/why_is_ea_the_most_hated_video_game_company_in/
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Mom & Dad having sex....

Two boys are in the school yard, during recess.
One boy notices that the other boy is wearing a really nice wrist watch, and not the usual dime store one like one he himself is wearing.
&nbsp;
“How did you get such a nice watch” he asks ?
&nbsp;
All you gotta do is wait till after your parents put you to bed, wait for the house to get real quiet. Then later when you hear moaning and groaning and what sounds like furniture being moved go to your Mom and Dads room. Your dad will give you anything you want to get you to go back to bed.
&nbsp;
So that night after dinner, after home work, after the usual TV show, it’s time for the kids to go to bed, but he waits quietly like his friend said. And sure enough there is this moaning and groaning that he had never heard before, and then sure enough it sounds like furniture being bumped against the wall and being moved, so he goes into his Mom and Dads room, and there is Dad, and there is Mom , and they are naked....
&nbsp;
Dad looks over and says “What do you want” ?
&nbsp;
The boy thinks to himself “just like Johnny said”. “ this is too easy”
He says to his dad, "I want a Watch !”
&nbsp;
And Dad says “sit in the chair over there and shut up”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80t8ym/mom_dad_having_sex/
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Luke: "Are you sure we are flying in the right direction?"

Yoda: "Off course, we are!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80t3bp/luke_are_you_sure_we_are_flying_in_the_right/
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Why isn't there any helium in North Korea?

Because helium can only be found in a free state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80t0wa/why_isnt_there_any_helium_in_north_korea/
%
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. They are very efficient and not very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80sxmj/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
So a man takes a shit every morning at 6AM

He goes to the hospital to check it out, the doctor then says, "There's nothing wrong with pooping every morning." The man then replies, "Yes, but the problem is that I wake up at 7AM."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80svrg/so_a_man_takes_a_shit_every_morning_at_6am/
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It’s funny how everybody sleeps differently

Some people sleep on their side.
Others on their back.
My ex with anyone that walks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80st1v/its_funny_how_everybody_sleeps_differently/
%
NSFW There's a new porn star , she only does hardcore butt stuff...

Ginger Lee Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ssfm/nsfw_theres_a_new_porn_star_she_only_does/
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Mattel made Uno™ a "sequel" called Dos™

Legend says they started on the next one, but they disappeared without a Tres™...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80sprx/mattel_made_uno_a_sequel_called_dos/
%
A man visits a psychic

He doesn't believe in that stuff, but decided to have some fun. The psychic looks into her crystal ball and says, "I can see that you're a father of two..."
"Ha, that's what you think!" he replies. "I'm a father of three!"
"Ha! That's what you think!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80snzk/a_man_visits_a_psychic/
%
If The Safety Dance comes on, are we obligated to dance?

I mean, I know we can dance if we want to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80sn3i/if_the_safety_dance_comes_on_are_we_obligated_to/
%
The square root of -1 walks into a bar.

The bartender looks on, amazed, and says "This is unreal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80sifs/the_square_root_of_1_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a noble hot sauce?

Sir Racha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80shpe/what_do_you_call_a_noble_hot_sauce/
%
I saw two blind guys fist fighting,

I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80scq4/i_saw_two_blind_guys_fist_fighting/
%
A Man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80s9b6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Doctor says I need an amputation, but I can't afford it..

It'll cost me an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80s83e/doctor_says_i_need_an_amputation_but_i_cant/
%
What English word can be both a noun and verb at the same time?

Verb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80s6ox/what_english_word_can_be_both_a_noun_and_verb_at/
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What's more romantic than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80s5ih/whats_more_romantic_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
A man announces his wife’s pregnancy to his parents at a Christmas get-together...

At first shocked, the mother is first to recover and gets up and happily hugs her daughter-in-law. For a second, a solemn look crosses his father’s face, but it quickly passes for excitement equal to that of his wife. Later that evening, the couple is invited to stay the night over, as snow had gradually begun to fall throughout the evening, making the roads less than safe.
That night, the son awoke suddenly from his sleep, unsure of what woke him up. First, he tried to lift his head to see what was going on, but for some reason, he could only raise it a bit. Confused, he tried lifting his arm up to check if something was on him, but it wouldn’t move as well. Panicking now, the man strained against whatever was holding him down, but to no avail. Suddenly, bright lights flared up, temporarily blinding him from the sudden glare. Blinking a few times, the man could finally make out the room, recognizing it as his parents’ basement.
Craning his neck, he turned to the left and was shocked to see his father standing to the wall, a slightly sad look on his face. Seeing that he has finally been seen by his son, he says, choking back tears, “I’m sorry, son, we have to do this. Just think of it like a... rite of passage.” Before the son could respond or even think up any response to this sentence, a man’s voice, which had a distinct German accent, began to speak. Craning his neck again, he tried to see who the person speaking was, but his neck couldn’t turn far enough to look back. As he stopped struggling, he finally noticed what the man with the German accent had been saying. He was sort of chanting some kind of mantra, made up of multiple random words. The man didn’t know what it was, but he knew he didn’t like it. Closing his eyes, he tried to block out the words, but they somehow dug past his defense and straight into his mind. Soon, the man began to slip into a daze, until finally, he was unconscious. Closing the book he had been reading the words out of, the man with the German accent turned to the man’s father, who was still choking back tears, and with his thick German accent said, “I shall now begin.”
*Seven Years Later*
It has been seven years since that night, and the man had no recollection of it. Although, with Christmas right around the corner, he had other things to occupy his thoughts. His son was halfway through his first year of preschool, and he was very much excited for the Holiday season. In fact, the first thing he said when he got home from preschool was asking about if he would get any presents that year. The wife of the man had smiled, saying, “Don’t worry, Santa will get you presents as long as you’re good.” Now beaming, the child replied, “Don’t worry, I’m good,” he then turned to his father, the man, for agreement, “Right?”
As soon as he had said this phrase, a blank look passed over the man’s face. From that phrase alone, a memory was dug up. No, it wasn’t *just* a memory, it was a *command*. Those random words that had been read to him had been mentally programmed into him for protocols like these. This entire thought process passed through his mind in the blink of an eye, and that blank look on his face turned back into a smile, as he responded to his son:
“Nice to meet you, Good. I’m Dad.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80s2t5/a_man_announces_his_wifes_pregnancy_to_his/
%
Everything in Australia can kill you

Except for one thing, an assault rifle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ryio/everything_in_australia_can_kill_you/
%
As someone with multiple personalities it's always tough to end a relationship

For some reasons no one wants to hear, "It's not me, it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80rw4d/as_someone_with_multiple_personalities_its_always/
%
Costume party

A man shows up to a costume party wearing only a pair a jeans. The host says, "I'm sorry, I can't figure out what your costume is supposed to be." The man replies premature ejaculation.
The host then says, I don't get it.
The man says, I just came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80rvlk/costume_party/
%
I wish I had a Google brain...

Instead of a Microsoft penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80rpma/i_wish_i_had_a_google_brain/
%
What's the difference between a weight and a computer that smells like anus?

One's a dumbbell...
The other's a bum Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80rnum/whats_the_difference_between_a_weight_and_a/
%
I was going to post a time travelling joke

But you guys didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80rc19/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_travelling_joke/
%
I tried to call the president of Russia, but he was away from his desk.

He was probably taking a leak, or maybe he was Putin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80rbgq/i_tried_to_call_the_president_of_russia_but_he/
%
What do you call a group of Canadians?

An apology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80r8wj/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_canadians/
%
*Tips fedora at mosquito*

M’Laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80qwg3/tips_fedora_at_mosquito/
%
A husband says to his wife...

"Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thinks about it for a moment and replies, "You have the biggest penis compared to all of your friend's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80qvka/a_husband_says_to_his_wife/
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You know, garbage man as a job title is a little sexist and outdated.

We should call them garbage people instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80qu6b/you_know_garbage_man_as_a_job_title_is_a_little/
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I was eating green onions when all of a sudden, I started rhyming everything that I was saying.

It turns out, they were rap scallions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80qrc8/i_was_eating_green_onions_when_all_of_a_sudden_i/
%
A chimney sweep called in sick to work.

He had a touch of the flue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80qpdj/a_chimney_sweep_called_in_sick_to_work/
%
Mike is leaving his apartment to go to a club.

As he's leaving, he sees his neighbor Frank. The two are about the same age, but barely know each other. In fact, Mike doesn't even like looking at Frank because he's ugly as sin, not to mention he always smells like a wet dog. And so he waits a few minutes before leaving so he doesn't have to interact with Frank. After a few minutes, Mike leaves and heads off to the club. Once there, he spots Frank with not one, but two very attractive women. He shakes his head in disbelief and spends the reset of the night drinking and flirting with women, only to strike out each time. Hours later, Mike gives up and heads home to sleep.
The next morning, Mike leaves his apartment to retrieve his newspaper, only to see the very same two women leaving Frank's apartment. "This is unbelievable..." He mutters. After they leave, Mike knocks on Frank's door, and he answers. "Frank, I know we don't talk much, but I have to know: How the hell does a guy like you go home with two beautiful women?" Frank smiles and says "It's my cologne. It contains pheromones that are guaranteed to attract women." "No kidding." Mike says. "Could I get some of that? Frank nods. "Sure. But this is very valuable stuff. It's gonna cost you $2000 for a bottle." Mike is reluctant at first, as he had been saving money for a new car, but he figures it would be with it and agrees.
Later that day, Mike decides to go to the club again while wearing the cologne he bought. On his way out, he runs into his other neighbor Phil. Phil says to Mike "Why do you smell like a wet dog?" Mike says "It must be the cologne I bought from Frank." "It must have been awfully cheap then." Phil Replies. Mike tells him "No. In fact, it cost me $2000."
"$2000? No wonder he's able to afford the best escorts in town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80qp6r/mike_is_leaving_his_apartment_to_go_to_a_club/
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Theory and Reality

Little Johnny's teacher gives him a homework assignment to go home and find out the difference between theory and reality. Johnny goes home and asks his dad what the difference is.
Dad: I want you to ask your sister and mother if they'd sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars. Come back when you have the answer.
Johnny runs out to find his sister and asks her if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Of course, she says yes. So Johnny runs off and finds his mother, asking the same question. She simply smiles and nods. Johnny returns to dad.
Dad: What did they say?
Johnny : They both said yes
Dad: Ok, in theory we're sitting on two million dollars. In reality, your mom and your sister are whores.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80qkno/theory_and_reality/
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Most people like to make relevant points, but I for one

Is the basis of Roman numerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80qk4b/most_people_like_to_make_relevant_points_but_i/
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It's easy to distract fat people.

It's a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80qj8c/its_easy_to_distract_fat_people/
%
I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Eric grinned .... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down,' he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80qfhx/i_had_a_problem_with_my_computer_yesterday_so_i/
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An old woman falls asleep in church

The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"
"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't suck 'em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80qbjr/an_old_woman_falls_asleep_in_church/
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I like my women how I like my bananas:

No strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80q6d5/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_bananas/
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Did you hear about the guy who made his Mustang go faster by removing the wheels?

His horse really sucked at using rollerskates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80q3xq/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_made_his_mustang/
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If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will.

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80q0s4/if_a_girl_says_she_will_be_ready_in_5_minutes_she/
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Ticket

One day, a woman is speeding on a quiet road in New York. Eventually, an officer spots her and gets her to pull over. She realizes that she's in a bit of a pickle, so she tries to joke with the officer. He walks up and asks for her license and registration. As he takes them, she asks, "So, when is the next NYPD Ball?". The officer replies, "Ball? The NYPD don't have balls". The officer, realizing his mistake, is quiet for a moment, then wishes the woman a good afternoon and drives off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80pxxn/ticket/
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You know what makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80pxlb/you_know_what_makes_me_smile/
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I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80pwz0/i_liked_the_harry_potter_books_and_movies_but/
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Three maggots are left crawling around at the bottom of a garbage bin.

One day they all turn into flies, one male and two female, and start buzzing around the inside of the bin.
The female, realising there's no practical way out, turns to the other female fly and says, "Hey how do you get out of the garbage bin?" The other female fly says, "I don't know maybe ask him."
So the female fly goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this bin?"
The male fly says, " I can tell you, but you have to fuck me first." So the female agrees and they do it. Flies are pretty dumb...
The male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the bin and fly as fast you can to the lid and Bam, it'll pop right off and you're free."
So the female fly does just that. Flies from the bottom of the bin to the lid as fast as she can... Aaannnd SPLAT! She dies.
Later on, the other female fly decides she wants to get out of the bin too. So she goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this garbage bin?"
The male fly says, "I can tell you, but you have to fuck me first." So the female agrees and they do it. Flies are pretty dumb, remember...
So the male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the bin and fly as fast you can to the lid and Bam, it'll pop right off and you're free."
So the female fly does just that. Flies from the bottom of the bin to the lid as fast as she can... Aaannnd SPLAT! She dies.
Then the male fly gets out of the jar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80prk7/three_maggots_are_left_crawling_around_at_the/
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I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.

He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80pp37/i_told_sean_connery_about_how_i_was_crushed_by_a/
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A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby...

...and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is assoft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80pntx/a_man_bumps_into_a_woman_in_a_hotel_lobby/
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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80pm46/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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"Ma'm, are you Bess, wife of Ernie at the brewery?"

"Why yes, I am. What's going on?"
"Well ma'm, I'm sorry to say that Ernie drowned today at work. He fell in the vat."
"Oh my god! Why? Please, at least tell me it was quick!"
"Sorry, ma'm, it wasn't quick at all. In fact, he got out three times to take a piss"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80pkwf/mam_are_you_bess_wife_of_ernie_at_the_brewery/
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What's got two legs and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80pi7i/whats_got_two_legs_and_lives_off_dead_beetles/
%
My wife and I started dieting together and we have a combined weight loss of 60 Lbs!

My wife is down 80 Lbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80pbwb/my_wife_and_i_started_dieting_together_and_we/
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The other day, some people accused me of "stealing jokes" and "plagiarizing."

Their words, not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80p8bt/the_other_day_some_people_accused_me_of_stealing/
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My dad tells this joke all the time. kind of long. enjoy

One day a young man with no arms walked into a church and told the pastor that he always wanted to be a bell ringer. The pastor looked at him and said, “my son, you have no arms to pull the rope and the bell tower is very high.” The young man pleaded with the pastor to give him a chance. Finally the pastor gave in and allowed the man to give it a try. So up the stairs they went till they finally reached the ladder leading up to the bell tower. The pastor was impressed at the young mans persistence as he used his chin and legs, chin and legs, chin and legs up to the top of the ladder and into the bell tower. “okay my son, here we are. Ring the bell.” So the young man went up to the rope and put the rope in his teeth and pulled on the rope. ding, ding went the bell. The pastor said to the man that the bell had to ring out all across the village so that all the people would know it was time for church. The man asked for another chance and the pastor said he could try again. The young man jumped as high as he could and grabbed the rope in his teeth and pulled as hard as he could. The bell went dong,dong,dong. Again the pastor told the man that it just wasn't loud enough. Again the young man pleaded for one more chance. “Very well my son, go ahead” said the pastor. So this time the young man stood at the very edge of the bell tower and ran towards the bell. He jumped for the rope but he missed and smacked the bell right in his face. DONG,DONG,DONG went the bell. The man went reeling back from the hit and feel out of the bell tower and down to the ground. The pastor hurried down the tower as fast as he could and ran outside to check on the young man. By the time he reached him a crowd had gathered around the man. “Step back” said the pastor as he knelt beside the man. A man in the crowd asked the pastor if he knew who the man was and the pastor said, “No, but his face sure rings a bell!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80p4n5/my_dad_tells_this_joke_all_the_time_kind_of_long/
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I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80p3l2/i_started_a_company_selling_land_mines_that_look/
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A weasel walks into a bar

The bartender goes "Wow! In all my years working here I've never seen a weasel come here before! What can I get you?"
"Pop", goes the Weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ov7r/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man on a tractor has just driven past me shouting, “The end of the world is nigh!!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ofl7/a_man_on_a_tractor_has_just_driven_past_me/
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My lesbian neighbors got me a watch for my birthday

I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80oe2v/my_lesbian_neighbors_got_me_a_watch_for_my/
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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road...

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The end is near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80odvz/a_local_priest_and_a_pastor_were_fishing_on_the/
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I finally watched that Netflix sci-fi show that everyone is watching...

I keep hearing from everyone that it's a very wierd show, but to be honest, I've seen stranger things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80od2f/i_finally_watched_that_netflix_scifi_show_that/
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Donald Trump walks into a bar...

...and promptly lowers it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ob02/donald_trump_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Finally found my girlfriends g-spot

Turns out it was in her sister the whole time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80o5ff/finally_found_my_girlfriends_gspot/
%
I was going to post a time travel joke...

But you guys didn't find it funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80o429/i_was_going_to_post_a_time_travel_joke/
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You'll never starve in the desert...

Because of all the sand-which-is there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80o1b3/youll_never_starve_in_the_desert/
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They started adding porn to the elevators in my building to pass the time.

First you get on, then you get off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ntww/they_started_adding_porn_to_the_elevators_in_my/
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It's raining cats and dogs outside.

I stepped in a poodle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ns2n/its_raining_cats_and_dogs_outside/
%
So when are we going to kill Caesar?

At two, Brutus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80nr91/so_when_are_we_going_to_kill_caesar/
%
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie [long]

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80nqqc/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
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James and giant peach should have been serialized into a number of films.

Dave and the giant strawberry.
John and the giant cantelope.
Your mom and the giant cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80npr6/james_and_giant_peach_should_have_been_serialized/
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What are Mario’s jeans made of?

Denim denim denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80noy8/what_are_marios_jeans_made_of/
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What part of the body goes to heaven first

A Sunday school teacher and ask her class which part of the body they think goes to heaven first. Little Mary says she thinks the hands because when you pray your hands are raised. Teachers that good answer. Little Tom says he thinks it’s the head because he use your mouth to sing praises to Jesus. And teacher say great answer, any others? Little Johnny raises his hands and the teacher ask him what his answer is. Little Johnny says legs go to heaven first. The teacher very confused ask him why he thinks that. Well he said the other day I was walking by the bedroom and his mother was on her back with her legs raised saying oh Jesus here I come. If it wouldn’t of been for uncle Frank between her legs we would’ve lost her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80nn0d/what_part_of_the_body_goes_to_heaven_first/
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Why did the teacher have mirrors in her glasses?

So she could keep an eye on her pupils

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80n8iz/why_did_the_teacher_have_mirrors_in_her_glasses/
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If you run out of weed...

Try burning the Quran instead, it will also get you stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80n7do/if_you_run_out_of_weed/
%
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office...

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80n6jj/the_manager_of_a_large_office_noticed_a_new_man/
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My dad always said there are two ways you know that you're getting old. The first is that you start to forget things.

I can never remember the second one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80n5jp/my_dad_always_said_there_are_two_ways_you_know/
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I was being mugged the other day...

The guy said, "Give me all your money or else you're biology!"
I said, "Don't you mean history?"
He told me "Don't change the subject!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80n4vr/i_was_being_mugged_the_other_day/
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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his countries militaristic superiority.
"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy Submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can stay dived from the moment they leave the Port, to the day they enter it again 6 Months later. You haven't ever seen such great Submarines in your entire life, folks."
Putin, not looking really impressed, answerers:
"That's great, Donald. But my new Nuclear Submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"
The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask,
"How long can the German Submarines stay dived, Mrs Merkel?"
Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creeks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts,
"Heil Hitler, we need more Diesel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80n2wx/donald_trump_vladimr_putin_and_angela_merkel_take/
%
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He spots a man down below and lowers the balloon to shout: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says “You must be a manager.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80n29d/a_man_is_flying_in_a_hot_air_balloon_and_realizes/
%
Some of my friends call me condescending

That means that I talk down to people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80n1px/some_of_my_friends_call_me_condescending/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80mxp6/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
Why did the pretzel file a police report?

He was a-salted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80mxks/why_did_the_pretzel_file_a_police_report/
%
How’s Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80mudq/hows_donald_trump_going_to_get_rid_of_all_the/
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I’m thinking about digging a hole to get some water

It’s going well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80mu0n/im_thinking_about_digging_a_hole_to_get_some_water/
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A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper.

Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,
“All politicians are assholes.”
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”
The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”
“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80mpl1/a_man_is_sitting_on_a_bench_in_the_park_reading_a/
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Did you hear about the BuzzFeed employee who peed on an exposed wire?

Number 1 shocked him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80mjit/did_you_hear_about_the_buzzfeed_employee_who_peed/
%
I have a question about tampons

Do they call it Tampax Pearl because it goes in their clam?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80mjey/i_have_a_question_about_tampons/
%
A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun

. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"
"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.
Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I know how you can screw her: On Sundays, she prays at the local cemetery. While she is praying, dress as God and she'll have sex with you. Put on a mask, robes, and a lot of glitter."
That Sunday, the man takes the advice, gets into the costume and hides behind a gravestone. Shortly, the nun appears and prays.
The man pops out from the gravestone and declares, "I am God, and I command you to have sex with me."
The nun replies, "Sure, but only if we have anal sex."
So they have anal sex.
After sex the man rips off his mask and laughs, I'm not God! I'm that man from the bus! Ha!"
Immediately the nun rips off her mask and says "Ha! I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80mgbl/a_man_gets_onto_a_city_bus_and_sees_an_attractive/
%
There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat…..

One day, the horse became very ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: "Well, your horse has a virus.
He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him to sleep."
Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.
The next day, the Vet gave him the medicine and left.
The goat approached the horse and said:
"Be strong, friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!"
On the second day,  the doc again gave him the medicine and left.
The goat came back and said: - "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up".
Let's go! One, two, three... but the poor horse wouldn't get up!
On the third day, the Vet gave one look at the horse and said:
"Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses."
After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage!
Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good.
Now faster, come on...... Fantastic! Run, run more!
Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!"
All of a sudden, the owner came back to the farm, saw the horse running on the field ... he was not aware of goats role in this.
He began shouting: "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a Grand celebration...
Let's cook the goat!!!!"
Corporate Lesson:
'Whatever you do, always mark a Cc to your boss'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80mfap/there_was_a_farmer_who_had_a_horse_and_a_goat/
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After the doctor left the room from my prostate exam, the nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear.

"Who was that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80mcay/after_the_doctor_left_the_room_from_my_prostate/
%
I was in a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello ladies, are you three lassies from Scotland?". One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales!". So I apologized and replied, "I am sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?". And that's the last thing I remember.
-My father texted me this yesterday. Made me laugh. Thought I'd share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80m8tq/i_was_in_a_bar_the_other_night_and_overheard/
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[NSFW] Guy: "Baby, I promise I'll pull out"

Girl: "No, you have to wear a condom."
Guy: "But I'm a Broward County Sheriff, we don't come inside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80m48k/nsfw_guy_baby_i_promise_ill_pull_out/
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I liked to pretend my dad was a superhero

He was always the invisible man...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80m19y/i_liked_to_pretend_my_dad_was_a_superhero/
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A baby snake says to his mother snake

"Mom are we venomousss sssnakesss?"
"Yesss ssson, we are, why do you asssk?"
"Oh ssshesssh, I jussst bit my tongue!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80lzzb/a_baby_snake_says_to_his_mother_snake/
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What's the difference between being hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80lz4m/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
%
What do you call it when a blonde woman puts on a wig?

Artificial Intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80lv60/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_blonde_woman_puts_on_a/
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I used to have an addiction to masturbation, and then turned it into an addiction to sex

I guess you could say my addiction is now getting out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80lt3v/i_used_to_have_an_addiction_to_masturbation_and/
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Gender Equality

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.
The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80lrwy/gender_equality/
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How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon ( A large stick) and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you What do you do?
ANSWERS:
Canadian Police  Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9)  Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Australian Police  Officer:
BANG !
American Police  Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !  BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG !  BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  !
Glasgow Police  Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80lo52/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_an/
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The one-armed golfer

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a downward slope.  He became very depressed because he loved to play golf so one day in his despair, he decided to commit  suicide and end it all.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking  up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."
He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
So he hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see  him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him  for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
The guy asked, "Why are you so  happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ln62/the_onearmed_golfer/
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A man was confessing to his priest

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”
The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80lmqs/a_man_was_confessing_to_his_priest/
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One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world

Then you'll all be sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ll4d/one_day_canada_will_become_a_superpower_and_take/
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Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied. “So have Tom and I."

"We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda.
“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”
Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again.
“So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?” Mary asked.
“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam and afterward, the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every a grape went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.
After the physical exams were completed, the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.
“I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you.” he said.
“But doctor!” Mary complained. “You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?”
“Well, OK.” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80lixz/two_women_had_been_having_a_friendly_lunch_when/
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Wife walks into the kitchen and sees hubby stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing ?" she asked
"Hunting flies." he responded
"ohhh .... killing any ?" she asked
"yep ... 3 males and 2 females." he replied
Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell ?"
He responded "3 were on a beer can ... and 2 were on the phone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80limz/wife_walks_into_the_kitchen_and_sees_hubby/
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Stop me if you heard the old joke about the art thief who got busted...

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80lfpb/stop_me_if_you_heard_the_old_joke_about_the_art/
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Baby...

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80lfgq/baby/
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How do Welsh farmers practice safe sex?

Spray a red 'X' on the back of ones that kick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ldp2/how_do_welsh_farmers_practice_safe_sex/
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My chemistry teacher told me to write 1000 words on acid

I tried, but my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80lcdx/my_chemistry_teacher_told_me_to_write_1000_words/
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At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”  “Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”  “Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80lc3p/at_school_one_day_little_johnnys_teacher_asks_the/
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Why is there no Walmart in Afghanistan?

Because there is a target on every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80l83m/why_is_there_no_walmart_in_afghanistan/
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Dirty things

Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear !
Husband: Kitchen, living room, laundry, dining room...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80l2ms/dirty_things/
%
I may be bad at telling jokes, but...

I am amazing at clickbait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80l2mc/i_may_be_bad_at_telling_jokes_but/
%
Wife and Husband

Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80l1ga/wife_and_husband/
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How do you turn the light on after sex?

You open the coffin lid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80kvlu/how_do_you_turn_the_light_on_after_sex/
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Stop me if you've heard this one...

A high school decides to put on a reunion for the class of '98. Turnout is slow at first, but eventually the well known former students start to show up. There's student body president Leslie Pindogs and her kids, star quarterback Robert Course and his wife Molly, valedictorian Sandra Kevver and her husband Joseph, and class clown Johnny Cox.
The reunion gets going, introductions are made and people start having more than a few drinks. Suddenly Johnny speaks up: "Hey guys, guys, I wanna say something."
Robert perks up and asks "what is it, Johnny?"
"I want to tell a joke." says Johnny.
Leslie, intrigued, chimes in: "well, go ahead, Johnny! we'd all love to hear it."
Sandra beams "I love jokes! and so does my husband."
Molly chides "I bet he does!", staring at the empty spot next to Sandra. Stunned, she looks around. Where could he have gone? There are no doors or windows other than the main entrance, and she never saw him leave.
Puzzled, she asks the group. "I don't get it, where's Joe Kevver?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80kuic/stop_me_if_youve_heard_this_one/
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Barry likes the number five.

He is the fifth child in his family, lives on the fifth house on Fifth Avenue, so much so that he sees 5 as his lucky number.
One day he went to the races, and saw a horse named Mambo Number Five. He went ahead and placed a huge bet, confident that it'll win him big money.
It finished fifth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80kqiy/barry_likes_the_number_five/
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If you run out of weed..

try burning the Quran instead. It will also get you stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80kkap/if_you_run_out_of_weed/
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A drug kingpin abducts three chemists in the middle of the night, and takes them to an abandoned warehouse.

Shelves of chemicals line the walls, and workbenches covered in gleaming glass and steel apparatus fill the floor. One by one, the kingpin pulls the hoods off the chemists, armed goons leering them from the door.
"Listen up," the kingpin orders menacingly, "this is the largest clandestine drug lab in the country, but the *tragic* loss of my last head chemist has ground production to a standstill. One of you is going to be his replacement. As for the other two? I can't have any witnesses."
The chemists frantically glance at each other.
"I'm going to hold a little competition. From the time you're untied, each of you will have 48 hours to produce the most valuable batch of drugs you can manage. I don't care what you make, as long as it sells. Whoever produces the highest street value wins the distinction of running this lab for me. I don't have to tell you what happens to the losers."
The chemists silently nod, and the goons step forward to untie them. Leaping out of their seats, the chemists frantically begin collecting supplies.
Two days later, the now exhausted chemists present their work.
The first rolls a rack filled with trays of glass-like crystals to the front of the room.
"I made 25 kilograms of methamphetamine sulfate. At $100 per gram, this rack is worth a total of $2.5 million."
The second chemist steps forward, and presents a small metal canister. Curious as to why the second produced so little, the kingpin leans in.
"I made 100 grams of pure LSD. At a street value of $3 per 100 micrograms, this canister is worth $3 million."
The third chemist - not to be outdone - steps forward and clears his throat, handing the kingpin a tiny bag filled with a white powder.
"What is this?" the kingpin asks, astonished, "this can't be more than a single gram. How can you possibly expect to win?"
The third chemist smiles with smug satisfaction. "I made a gram of thalidomide. I don't know what the exact street value is, but I'm told it costs an arm and a leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80k7q7/a_drug_kingpin_abducts_three_chemists_in_the/
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There is a band called ‘900 mb’

They have never had a gig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80k4zm/there_is_a_band_called_900_mb/
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Donald Trump and Mike Pence were having breakfast at the White House

The waitress asks Pence what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" Trump replies with his trademark lecherous leer, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in office for a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Pence leans over to Trump and whispers... "Mr President, It's pronounced 'quiche'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80k3kd/donald_trump_and_mike_pence_were_having_breakfast/
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80k28o/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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The Talking Horse

Once upon a time
There was a prince who wanted to marry a princess of a neighbouring country..
The king was known to have just one condition for this,
To impress him with something the proposer owned..
Many princes, kings and even a few renowned collectors failed to do so, and were killed..
The prince was confident of his chances, he had ordered a talking horse all the way from England..
The horse arrived in a few days and sure as hell, it could speak, It had an archaic tongue
After a long discussion with the Prince, it agreed to the his plan of impressing the king
So soon enough, They met the king, and horse was put to test..
The king, barely believing the prince, asked the horse:
*Do you think original jokes will ever make the front page..?*
*nay*, the horse replied..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80jrui/the_talking_horse/
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Stalin and his general

Stalin's most trusted general has just finished giving Stalin his latest report on the Soviet defenses against the invading German troops. As the general exits Stalin's quarters, he mutters, "Hideous mustache! It reflects the iniquity within!!"
Unfortunately for him, he is overheard by Stalin's secretary, who immediately rushes into Stalin's quarters. She tells Stalin, "Sir, I just heard the general say 'hideous mustache'!"
Stalin thanks her and sends her to call the general back. Upon doing so, Stalin asks the general, "Who did you have in mind when you said 'hideous mustache'?"
The general responds, "Sir, I was referring to Hitler, of course!"
Stalin thanks him and calls his secretary back. Upon doing so, Stalin asks her, "Now, who did _you_ have in mind when you said 'hideous mustache'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80jqh8/stalin_and_his_general/
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident

; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the man says, "So you're a woman, that's interesting. I'm a man. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the woman replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The man continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the woman, The woman nods her head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the man. The man takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the woman. The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?" The man replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80jngp/a_woman_and_a_man_are_involved_in_a_car_accident/
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What do you call a dog that doesn't solve mysteries?

Scooby Don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80jn45/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_doesnt_solve_mysteries/
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My girlfriend asked me what size table cloth we should buy

I told her "12x15."
She asked, "feet or inches?" and I told her either one, doesn't matter.
Can't wait to see which one she buys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80jk3m/my_girlfriend_asked_me_what_size_table_cloth_we/
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What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite subreddit?

It’s fuckin’ r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80jibr/whats_gordon_ramseys_favorite_subreddit/
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Apple Pie is $2.20 in Havana, $3.00 in Aruba, and $1.75 in Punta Cana...

These are the pie-rates of the Carribean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80jiah/apple_pie_is_220_in_havana_300_in_aruba_and_175/
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Three boys are on the school playground and decide to have a penis measuring contest.

The first boy, a Mexican, pulls his out and it's pretty average. The second boy, a white kid, pulls his out and it's just above average. The third boy who is black pulls his out and it blows the other two away. He claims king of the playground and they go about their day. After the black boy goes home and is doing homework his mom asks him how his day went. He tells her "it went great! We learned how to write cursive, played dodgeball and I won the penis measuring contest on the playground! Mama, why was mine so much bigger than the other boys? Is it because I'm black?"
"No honey," his mom replies, "it's because your 23".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80jdqk/three_boys_are_on_the_school_playground_and/
%
One day, a father and his son are walking home (not sure if this is a repost)

They see two dogs on the side of the road having sex. The son looks to his father and asks “What are they doing?” The father wanted to be honest with his son, so he said “They’re making a puppy.”
That night, the boy opened the door to his parents room to find them having sex. The boy asks “Dad, what are you doing?” The father wanted to be honest with his son, so he said “We’re making a baby.”
The son thought for a minute and then looked to his father and said, “No, flip Mom over. I want a puppy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80jc3z/one_day_a_father_and_his_son_are_walking_home_not/
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A Republican is Sitting in a Bar...

A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP “Make America Great Again” cap with two beers sitting in front of him.
The union boss doesn’t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender...but not for the Republican."
Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the union boss.
After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you!"
A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican. Just as before, this STILL doesn't seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out, "Thank you!!"
Frustrated that he can’t seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80j6s4/a_republican_is_sitting_in_a_bar/
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A bad man arrives at hell...

He looks around and there's *grass* everywhere! He asks the demon gatekeeper about it and he's told, "the Mormons are irrigating again."
There are three doors at the entrance to hell, and he's told by the demon to choose one to spend eternity behind. "Can I look to see what's behind them," asks the man. The demon agrees. Behind the first door are people standing on their heads, as far as the eye can see on tacks. Blood is flowing and it's awful. Behind the second door are people standing on their heads on hot coals. It is another scene of brutal torment. And behind the last door are many people standing around knee deep in sludgy crap, drinking coffee. The stench is heinous.
The man thinks aloud, "The tacks and coals looks horrible, and the manure is bad too but I bet eventually I'd get used to the smell. I also like coffee. I choose door #3!" The demon pushes him in.
Just then a booming voice can be heard, "Alright people, coffee break is over, back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80j4zt/a_bad_man_arrives_at_hell/
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On the last day of music class, students were told not to bring their instruments.

The choir kids had a hard time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80j473/on_the_last_day_of_music_class_students_were_told/
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F.B.L.C

#The
#Association
#Of
#Incorrect
#Acronyms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80j2m5/fblc/
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A man's wife falls into a coma

While she's in the hospital, the nurses notice that when they wash the wife's genitals, that her brain activity spikes. They tell the doctor who eventually calls the husband in to talk to him about this phenomenon.
"Sir, we believe we may be able to pull your wife out of this coma, but the treatment may be unorthodox."
"What is it?" the man replies. "I'd do anything to have my wife back."
The doctor sheepishly says, "Well... we would like you to perform oral sex with your wife."
Puzzled, the man agrees. He goes down to his wife's room and asks for some privacy, to which the doctor obliges. Several minutes later, the wife's heart stops beating and the doctor rushes into the room.
He exclaims, "Oh my god, what happened?!"
The husband, pulling up his pants replies, "She choked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80j2j9/a_mans_wife_falls_into_a_coma/
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What do you call a blind german?

Na-zi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80j20e/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
%
A hobo wakes up and finds a crisp $20

...on his back
He heads over to the local pub and buys a bottle of cheap tequila.
Walks around town, drink in hand, having a good time.
Later, he passed out drunk in the middle of a park.
A homo finds him, and smirks. He drags the hobo to the alley and rapes him. After, he felt kinda bad.
So he left a $20 bill.
The hobo wakes up, finds the $20, and heads to the pub. Buys another bottle of tequila, and blacks out yet again.
The homo finds him, and thinks ‘one more time can’t hurt’ so he butt-fucks the hobo again, leaving a $20 bill.
The hobo wakes up, finds the 20, and lumps over to the bar, slapping the $20 on the counter
“Let me guess, tequila?” The keep asks
“Nah, whiskey” replies the hobo”
“Tequila is making my ass hurt”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80iuof/a_hobo_wakes_up_and_finds_a_crisp_20/
%
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert

As they're walking the come upon a convenience store. They go inside to gather supplies for the long journey home.
The brunette says "I'll grab plenty of water so we can have enough to drink."
The redhead says "I'll grab food so we have enough to eat."
The blonde says "I'll grab a car door in case it gets hot, we can roll down the windows!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80iuj3/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stranded_in/
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Four nuns in line for confession

The first nun enters the confessional and says "Bless me father for I have sinned. I saw a man's penis. It was by accident and it'll never happen again."
The priest says "Say 10 hail marys and wash your eyes with holy water."
After she leaves, the second nun comes in and says  "Bless me father for I have sinned. I touched a man's penis. It was by accident and it'll never happen again."
The priest says "Say 15 hail marys and wash your hands with holy water."
As she leaves, the fourth nun jumps in front of the third. The perturbed priest asked "What's going on here?"
The fourth nun says "I need to gargle with the holy water before she washes her ass with it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80irgg/four_nuns_in_line_for_confession/
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I just learned sign language

It's pretty handy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80iq3u/i_just_learned_sign_language/
%
Kids will be kids

So a kid is eating this bag of candy his dad gave him. Just going to town on it. This stranger walks up to him and says: “hey kid - eating that much candy is bad for you...it can lead to obesity and tooth decay to name a few things.”
The kid unimpressed looks at him and says: “it’s funny you say that because my grandfather lived until 107 years old”
The stranger perplexed asks “how did he manage that”
To which the kid answers back: “By minding his own fucking business”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80iq0p/kids_will_be_kids/
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What is it called when you get shot in the eye and lose your vision?

Glockoma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ipix/what_is_it_called_when_you_get_shot_in_the_eye/
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Devil in the church

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ip1s/devil_in_the_church/
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Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is  finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally Obama gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Obama got to call USA so cheaply.  The devil smiled and replied: "Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80intt/obama_queen_elizabeth_and_vladimir_putin_all_died/
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A man wearing a mask walks into a bank

He yells for everyone to get on the ground and fires a couple of shots into the air. He takes one of the female clerks hostage and tells her to lead him to the vault .
'' I am sorry sir but I don't think that you understand. ''
'' Just take me to the vault .'', he responds quietly.
'' Please, just let me explain. We are not that kind of a bank'', she pleads.
The man does not want to hear another word and forces her to take him to the vault.
Once they enter the vault she says:
' 'As you can see there is no money here. We are a SPERM BANK. There are only bottles with sperm here.' '
' 'Take a bottle and open it.' ', he says as he points his gun in her face.
' 'I don't understand, please..' '
''Just do it. Quickly. ''
The woman takes a bottle and opens it.
'' Now drink it. ''
'' No, I can't. Please... ''
'' Do it or I will blow your face off. ''
The woman, not seeing any other options, drinks the whole of the bottle in one swift gulp.
The man takes off his mask and says:
'' See Tina. You can do it when you really want to. ''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80in49/a_man_wearing_a_mask_walks_into_a_bank/
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Hopefully Not a Repeat

A doctor tells his patient
"I have bad news and i have worse news"
"Oh dear whats the bad news" asks the patient.
The Doctor says "you only have 24 hours to live"
"Thats terrible but how can the other news possibly be worse?"
The Patient asks.
The Doctor Replied!
"Well i've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ijwn/hopefully_not_a_repeat/
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Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

He was too far out man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80igvf/why_couldnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippy/
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Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms?

Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ig5u/why_dont_broward_county_police_officers_need_to/
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th

birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about
the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand
to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk,
"I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I
am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the
counter girl the very same question. The girl replies,
"I’d guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile,
"Nope, I’m 50."
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a
drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the
counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question. The clerk responds,
"Oh, I’d say 30."
Again she proudly responds,
"I’m 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question. He replies,
"I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman
was. If you permit me to put my hands under your bra, then,
and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity
gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out,
"What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to
feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and
weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He
pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each
other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes
his hands, and says, " Ma dam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says,
"That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says,
"Promise you won’t get mad?"
"I promise I won’t," she says.
"I was behind you in McDonald’s."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ifk4/a_woman_decides_to_have_a_facelift_for_her_50th/
%
I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ieou/i_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_shit_myself/
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Son: Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,

he told me to give up my seat to a lady!
Mum: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on dad’s lap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80icly/son_mum_when_i_was_on_the_bus_with_dad_this/
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Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ibys/why_would_donald_trump_run_into_an_active_school/
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Old Soviet man goes for Rations...

An old Soviet man goes to the butcher to stand in line for his daily ration of meat. Lamenting the long wait, he finally reaches the front of the line, only to be told they had run out. Infuriated, he turns to his comrade.
"How can we be expected to survive without food? This is bullshit!"
The other man turns to him and says "Careful friend, they used to shoot people for talking like that."
The Old Soviet trudges home to his wife to deliver the bad news. Standing in the doorway, she asks "Did they run out of meat again Ivan?"
He replies "No, worse. They ran out of bullets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ia2i/old_soviet_man_goes_for_rations/
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I got fired from my job because the competition was stiff, and I just didn't measure up.

Porn is a hard job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80i8js/i_got_fired_from_my_job_because_the_competition/
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What do you call the suicide bomber group?

A one-hit-wonder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80i8h1/what_do_you_call_the_suicide_bomber_group/
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A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "Wow! In all my years tending bar, I've never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?"
"Pop." Goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80i6lw/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why don’t Baptists have sex standing up?

They’re afraid somebody might see them and think they’re dancing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80i415/why_dont_baptists_have_sex_standing_up/
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An Irishman walks into a bar.....

Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
The barman asks: “What do you have?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80i36l/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar/
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A Golfers dream

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.  The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.  "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"  The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem." Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies, "I found it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80i1th/a_golfers_dream/
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What is the highest grade a Canadian can get?

Eh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80i1s8/what_is_the_highest_grade_a_canadian_can_get/
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What do ghosts take when they have a stomach ache?

PhanTUMS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80hzx4/what_do_ghosts_take_when_they_have_a_stomach_ache/
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Jack and Jill went up a hill...

...so Jack could lick her candy
Jack got a shock, and a mouth full of cock,
Cause Jill's real name was Randy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80hzgp/jack_and_jill_went_up_a_hill/
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In the middle of the woods, there is a fly hovering over a lake...

In the lake, there is a fish. The fish sees the fly and says to itself, "If that fly were to come down about 4 inches, I could jump up and eat him!"
By the lake there is a bear. The bear sees the fly and the bear sees the fish and says to itself, "If that fly were to come down about 4 inches, the fish would jump up and eat him, and while the fish was in the air, I could catch it and eat it!"
Off in the woods by the bear, there is a hunter. The hunter sees the fly, and the fish, and the bear, and says to himself, "If that fly were to come down about 4 inches, the fish would jump up and eat him, the bear would get the fish, and while the bear is eating, I can shoot the bear!"
Next to the hunter are some crackers and a mouse hiding in a bush. The mouse sees the fly, and the fish, and the bear, and the hunter, and the crackers and says to herself, "If that fly were to come down about 4 inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would get the bear, and while the hunter is skinning the bear, I can eat those delicious crackers!"
Up in a tree there is a cat. The cat sees the fly, and the fish, and the bear, and the hunter, and the crackers, and the mouse, and says to itself, "If that fly were to come down about 4 inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would get the bear, the mouse would get her crackers, and while she is eating them, I can get the mouse!"
Well that fly finally came down about 4 inches, and you know what happened?
The fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got her crackers, but when the cat tried to get the mouse, it fell in the lake!
The moral of the story is: when the fly comes down, the pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80hymd/in_the_middle_of_the_woods_there_is_a_fly/
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You know what really grinds my gears

forgetting to use the clutch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80hvo4/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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There is an isolated indigenous tribe that lives in the Amazon.

What's interesting about them is that in their language they only have words for numbers 1 and 2, and every number higher than 2 is just 'many'. You have 3 kids? You have many kids, You caught 20 fish? You caught many fish.
I guess trying to come up with words for three numbers was just one too many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80hust/there_is_an_isolated_indigenous_tribe_that_lives/
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I'm not saying my wife has bad breath...

But during blow jobs, my penis is the one gagging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80hu9d/im_not_saying_my_wife_has_bad_breath/
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A father's last request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80hu48/a_fathers_last_request/
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"Can you identify the men from the line of suspects?" I was asked.

I said, "Yes, with ease. They're all men."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80htws/can_you_identify_the_men_from_the_line_of/
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Donald Trump is set to star in a sequel to the movie Dodgeball

Because if you can dodge a draft you can dodge a ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80hq75/donald_trump_is_set_to_star_in_a_sequel_to_the/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last as long if you’re fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80hp49/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Snarky Blonde?

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says
to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door..
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know.....how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blonde turns to walk away, and says sweetly over her shoulder, I guess it's to hang your pants on.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ho7m/snarky_blonde/
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What did the Zero say to the Eight?

Nice belt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ho4m/what_did_the_zero_say_to_the_eight/
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[NSFW] Was at my girlfriend's house last night and we were about 10 minutes into for play when she shouted...

"FUCK MY PUSSY, I WANT YOU TO FUCK MY PUSSY NOW!"
"OK!" I screamed.
So I took her cat outside and shot it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80hnqa/nsfw_was_at_my_girlfriends_house_last_night_and/
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Where do Russian Hackers store their exploits?

/ussr/bin/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80hlmj/where_do_russian_hackers_store_their_exploits/
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A mom, dad and a son go to a nude beach

The mom lays to sunbathe in the sand, the dad goes for a walk and the son goes to play in the water.
After 5 minutes the son runs up to his mom and says “mommy! mommy! I saw a girl with bigger boobs than you”. The mom responds “well son, the bigger they are, the dummer they are”. The son runs back to play in the water.
5 minutes later the son returns “mommy! mommy! I saw a guy with a bigger di** than daddy”. The mom responds “well son, the bigger they are, the dimmer they are”. The son runs back to play in the water.
The son returns 10 minutes later, “mommy! mommy! I saw daddy talking to the DUMBEST lady I’ve ever seen, and the whole time he was talking to her he kept getting DUMBER AND DUMBER AND DUMBER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80hksx/a_mom_dad_and_a_son_go_to_a_nude_beach/
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TIL that all Norwegian military boats have barcodes on them.

So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80hf0i/til_that_all_norwegian_military_boats_have/
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That Darned Auto-Correct

A man sends a text to his next-door neighbor: “Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt for some time & I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology. It won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage & betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the man gets a second text: “I really should use spell check! That should be ‘wifi’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80heva/that_darned_autocorrect/
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What’s the difference between the Alt-Right and Hitler?

Hitler had a girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80heje/whats_the_difference_between_the_altright_and/
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Dog's can't operate MRI machines

but catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80hcc5/dogs_cant_operate_mri_machines/
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These days whey manufacturers are against selling to adults.

Their products are pro teen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80h9w1/these_days_whey_manufacturers_are_against_selling/
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In America dogs are k-9s

But in China dogs are e-10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80h7j7/in_america_dogs_are_k9s/
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A man walks into a bar and asks for a

lager and lime, the barman hands him an apple.
What is this the man says?
taste it, the barman says.
The man bit into the apple and says " Wow, lager "  now turn it around says the barman. " wow Lime says the man. After 5 apples the man goes home drunk.
NEXT DAY.
The man after work goes back to bar and asks for a more obscure drink, trying to catch him out.
" Whiskey and peppermint please barman, " the man asks.
the barman hands him an apple.
" are you joking, " the man says.
taste it, the barman says.
The man bit into the apple and says " Wow, whiskey "  now turn it around says the barman. " wow mint says the man. After 7 apples he wanders home drunk.
NEXT DAY.
The man after work goes back again to the bar and asks for something impossible.
" Can I have a smelly fanny (lady's privates )please.
the same apple gets handed to him, " my god, you must be joking. "
The man bites into the apple and screams " YUCK, it tastes like shit "
The barman says " Turn it around ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80h5bk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a/
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A man’s car breaks down on a dim lot road in the middle of no where.

He calls a mechanic to come but he won’t be able to get to him till the next morning and it’s getting quite cold. He gets out his car and starts walking down the road to see if he can find anyone to help him. About 5 minutes down the road he finds a monastery with some monks in. They invite him in and offer him some food which he gladly accepts. They let him stay the night in one of the rooms till the mechanic can come and help him.
While he is sleeping at about one in the morning he wakes up to a seductive noise. It’s a very strange noise and he’s not sure what could be making it but he thinks about the sirens that charmed sea men to their deaths. After about 30 long minutes it stops and he decides to go back to sleep again but it is still on his mind. The next morning he wakes up and the mechanic calls and says he’s able to come down and help him fix his car. He thanks the monks for their hospitality but before he leaves he has to ask them. “What’s begins that door? I heard a strange scratching sound coming from inside.”
The monks reply “I’m sorry we cannot tell you that you are not a monk” he accepts this answer and carries on his way.
About a year later he is traveling down the same road and as it happens his car breaks down again. He calls up the mechanic but alas he cannot be there till the next day. So he heads down the road and asks the monks if they would allow him to stay the night again. They of course let him in, feed him and let him stay the night. He is in the same room as last time and at around 1 in the morning he wakes up to the strange seductive sound. And once again after 30 minutes it stops. He tries to fall asleep but cannot. He can’t get this sound out of his head, he tosses and turns all night. The next morning he asks the monks again.
“What is that sound I must know?”
“I’m sorry we cannot tell you. You are not a monk”
“Then how can I become a monk I will do whatever is takes?”
“You must travel the earth and count every blade of grass and every grain of sand. Then you will become a monk”
The man does this. He spends years traveling counting, sleepless nights thinking about the sound. His whole life is now dedicated to this.
He comes back to the monastery many years later. He is old, grey and fragile. He then tells the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
“Well done. You have completed your task and you are now a monk. Now we can show you what is behind this mystery door.”
They lead him outside the wooden door and give him a key. He opens the door and behind it is yet another door. Made of bronze, then a silver door, gold, amethyst, ruby, emerald, topaz, sapphire, opal and finally the last door. It stands taller than the rest, it is made of pure diamond and is the most magnificent thing the man has ever seen. The monks warn him that this is the last door and if he is certain he wants to see what is behind it. He tells them he is certain and they give him the final key. He puts the key in. He turns it and hears a click. He lays his hands on the door and pushes it open.
Falling to his knees he starts weeping as he is utterly amazed at the source of the sound that he has spent his life working to see.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But ofc I can’t tell you. You aren’t a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80h3nu/a_mans_car_breaks_down_on_a_dim_lot_road_in_the/
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My doctor just called and said he has bad news and worse news

I asked what the bad news was and he said "you've got 24hrs to live"
I was distraught, what could be worse than that I asked?
"well, I tried calling you yesterday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gza6/my_doctor_just_called_and_said_he_has_bad_news/
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Did you hear about the allegations on the forged distillery?

Sorry, fake brews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gz9k/did_you_hear_about_the_allegations_on_the_forged/
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I grew up in a house with metal floors. It wasn't much fun though...

I was grounded all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gx62/i_grew_up_in_a_house_with_metal_floors_it_wasnt/
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What did the two lesbians do for dinner?

They ate out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gucs/what_did_the_two_lesbians_do_for_dinner/
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I held the door open for a lady expecting a thank you.

But all she did was scream and fly out of the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gtpr/i_held_the_door_open_for_a_lady_expecting_a_thank/
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I always used to lick the bowl clean.

Until mum told me to flush it like everyone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gtdo/i_always_used_to_lick_the_bowl_clean/
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What genre is the National Anthem?

Country Music

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80grl4/what_genre_is_the_national_anthem/
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What do you call the sweat between two people in Alabama having sex?

Relative humidity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gpx0/what_do_you_call_the_sweat_between_two_people_in/
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The smuggling priest (probably repost)

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gp55/the_smuggling_priest_probably_repost/
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Life is like Toilet Paper.

Sometimes you're on a roll, and other times you're taking shit from some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gogl/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
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I hurt my back in Egypt.

It got so bad I had to see a Cairopractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gn9k/i_hurt_my_back_in_egypt/
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I heard a slightly funny joke about Sioux Falls the other day...

It made me give a Minnehaha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gmbb/i_heard_a_slightly_funny_joke_about_sioux_falls/
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"I'll give you a bike if you bang your teacher."

Timmy's dad said to his son one day: "I'll give you a bike if you bang your teacher." When Timmy came home from school, he told him he did it. The next day, Timmy's dad was surprised when Timmy came home from school on the bus.
"Why didn't you ride your bike to school today?"
"I woke up this morning and my ass was hurting me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gm3r/ill_give_you_a_bike_if_you_bang_your_teacher/
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Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with....

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.
He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Jorn Nielsen's Laundry."
"Jorn Nielsen?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the Counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Jorn Nielsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?
"Me, is right here," replies the old Chinaman.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Jorn Nielsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to dis country, was stand in line at Immigration Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?"
He say, "Jorn Nielsen."
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, Sem Ting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ghz0/walking_through_chinatown_a_tourist_is_fascinated/
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I don’t always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gfti/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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April was not the best student

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.  "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"  And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gers/april_was_not_the_best_student/
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I’ll never forget my wife's last words...

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gdcc/ill_never_forget_my_wifes_last_words/
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A teacher and a boy

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gcsd/a_teacher_and_a_boy/
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Why did the apple Tech get fired?

He Farted and then to get rid of the smell he tried opening windows..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80gaqs/why_did_the_apple_tech_get_fired/
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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".
The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the therapist, who tells him, "You need to change things up a bit. You'll just have to do something sexy to attract her."
The next morning, the wife is in the house, ironing some clothes, when she hears strange sounds from outside. She runs out of the kitchen and into the front yard, and sees her husband completely naked thrusting his dick in and out of tractor's exhaust pipe. "What on Earth are you doing?" she shouts.
The farmer looks up at her. "Well the therapist said to do something sexy to a tractor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ga5m/a_farmer_is_worried_that_his_sex_life_with_his/
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A man asking a woman

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.   The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this.
"She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do."   says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80g9ua/a_man_asking_a_woman/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80g86i/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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What do you call two guys holding up drapery?

Kurt and Rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80g7fr/what_do_you_call_two_guys_holding_up_drapery/
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So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday

So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber pistol for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws, I did as she instructed. After her hysterical shrieking subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the reader. I still don’t think I looked that bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80g6x2/so_i_got_my_concealed_carry_permit_yesterday/
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What do you get when you combine How I Met Your Mother, 2 and a Half Men, and The Big Bang Theory

How 2 and a Half Men Banged Your Mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80g6ul/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_how_i_met_your/
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A blonde woman is at the doctor's office

Blonde: I can't pregnant!
Doctor: Okay, how often do you and your boyfriend have sex?
Blonde: Every night!
Doctor: Do you use any sort of protection?
Blonde: No. And I even swallow every time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80g2y2/a_blonde_woman_is_at_the_doctors_office/
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A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink..

Bartender looks at his peg leg and says, "Hey.  What happened to your leg, buddy?"
Pirate says, "Ohh, I got me leg blown off by a cannonball years ago."
Bartender starts pouring another drink, sees the pirate's hook and says, "Wow!  What about your arm?"
Pirate says, "Ohhh, 'twas a tragic accident.  Got meeself into a sword-fight and a bastard cut me hand off!"
Bartender nods, pouring another round, "What about your eye?  Where'd you get that patch?"
Pirate says, "Argh, I was looking up at me sails and a damn bird shit in me eye!"
Bartender stops everything, confused, saying, "Wait.  A bird?  A bird pooped in your eye?  How did that ruin your vision??"
Pirate says, with a sigh, "Argh…  First day with me hook.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80fwxh/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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I would give an arm and a leg...

to compete at the paralympics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80fu9v/i_would_give_an_arm_and_a_leg/
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Why are Welsh farmers no good at producing animals?

They only rear sheep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80fp0a/why_are_welsh_farmers_no_good_at_producing_animals/
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If you have sex in a garden...

does that make it a boneyard?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80find/if_you_have_sex_in_a_garden/
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A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks

"Is this stool taken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80fi1l/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
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I don’t like to pickup the phone when someone butt dials me

It’s probably an asshole that’s trying to call me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ffpx/i_dont_like_to_pickup_the_phone_when_someone_butt/
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A blonde a brunette and a redhead go on a hunting trip

They stay together in a cabin deep in the woods.
On the first day the brunette goes out hunting and returns back to the cabin with a buck.
The blonde and the brunette are shocked and ask, “How’d you kill a buck!??”
The brunette replied, “I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks. I saw the buck. I shot the buck!”
The next day the redhead goes out hunting and returns to the cabin with a moose!
The brunette and blonde are blown away. They ask, “How the heck did you get A MOOSE!???”
The red head replies, “Well, I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks. I saw the moose. I shot the moose!”
So the blonde thinks to herself how hard can this be? She goes out hunting the next day and returns to the cabin thrashed. Clothes ripped, cuts, bruises, leaves and mud in her hair.
“What happened!!???” Asked the brunette and redhead.
The blonde replied, “I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks. I saw the train. I GOT HIT BY THE TRAIN!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80fdqs/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_go_on_a_hunting/
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Did you hear about the two robbers who stole the calendar?

They each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80fck4/did_you_hear_about_the_two_robbers_who_stole_the/
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My first wife was a Brit. I loved her accent and the different words she had for things.

She called the bathroom the "loo." She called the pharmacy the "chemist." But my favorite was the "post." It was a noun and a verb. The mail I brought home was called the "post," and when she wanted me to mail something, I was "posting" it.
We were not wealthy by any means, but after we had been married for a while, her rich grandmother died. My wife was the only beneficiary, and we inherited a small fortune.
Alas, we were young, and we did not handle it like we should. She bought jewelry and fancy clothes. I quit my job and got a boat. I guess we thought the money would last forever. Of course, it did not. In a few years, we were even worse off than we'd been before.
We had to start selling everything just to survive. The one thing we simply could not get rid of was the damn boat. We listed it in the classifieds, and my wife corresponded with potential buyers while I looked for work. Every afternoon, I'd come home to find a little pile of letters just waiting to be "posted."
The mail system in our area was extremely unreliable, and often, my wife had to re-send exact copies of letters she had already sent, just to make sure they went through. I started to notice that the copies were always in worse condition than the originals, sort of stiff and wrinkly.
I soon found out why. I stayed home late one day, and saw her in the bathroom with a stack of copies, already sealed and ready to be re-sent. She was taking them, one by one, dunking them in the bathtub and holding them underwater for a few minutes at a time. Then, she would lay them out to dry.
I didn't say anything for a few days. Frankly, I was worried that my wife had gone off the deep end. We were both very stressed, our financial situation being what it was, and she must have just snapped. I didn't know what to do.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I confronted her and demanded to know why she was exhibiting such bizarre behavior. She was indignant.
"Why, my dear," she said. "I always drown boat re-posts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80f9zz/my_first_wife_was_a_brit_i_loved_her_accent_and/
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A sad day for a doctor

After 7 years of study, training and hard work, a member of the medical profession has been fired after one minor lack of judgment. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This shows that one minor mistake can ruin your career. Praying for him and his family. He was a genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80f94c/a_sad_day_for_a_doctor/
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A policeman said he wanted to search my car.

"You won't find any drugs," I told him.
He said, "You don't sound sure about that."
I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80f3wb/a_policeman_said_he_wanted_to_search_my_car/
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Why can't blondes double recipes?

Ovens don't go up to 700 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80euyz/why_cant_blondes_double_recipes/
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Doctor: “I have some good news and some bad news”

“First the good news: we definitely established that you are not a hypochondriac.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80erwy/doctor_i_have_some_good_news_and_some_bad_news/
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I used to think I was a man trapped in a woman’s body...

Then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80eotf/i_used_to_think_i_was_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans/
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A duck walks into a bar and grabs a seat on a Wednesday night...

The barman is watching, astonished at what he's witnessing. The duck pulls out a newspaper and begins reading. The barman walks over and says, "what do you think you're doing?"
"I'm reading my paper, can I have a pint please", the duck responds.
The barman can't believe it, a walking talking duck that reads newspapers and drinks pints!
The barman looks him up and down and says, "I bet you can guess why I'm shocked though."
"Not really" the duck replies. "I work on that construction site across the road, so I'm going to be in every evening this week and will continue to do so for the next few weeks".
The barman walks to the opposite end of the bar and tries to process what he's seeing. Before he knows it, the duck finishes his pint, thanks the barman and walks out.
Saturday night comes and the barman is working his evening shift when a clown walks in. They get chatting and the barman begins to tell the clown about the walking talking duck that drinks pints and reads newspapers. The clown is very interested in this as it would be great for his show, however he remains skeptical. The barman arranges for the clown to come in one evening and see the duck for his own eyes.
Monday night comes and the duck walks in bang on 6:00pm. The barman approaches and says "usual?" To which the duck nods.
The barman begins to tell the duck of the clowns interest in having him work for him, and that he will be coming to the pub that night to meet the duck. The duck looks bewildered.
"A clown?" The duck asks. The barman nods. "Tents, cages, animals?" The barman nods.
"Ticket sales, food and lighting?" The barman nods again.
The duck stares into his pint for a moment before clearing his throat..."Well what the fuck does he need a carpenter for then?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80eneq/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar_and_grabs_a_seat_on_a/
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Two jewish friends pass a catholic church...

Two jewish friends pass a catholic church on which a large poster addresses non-catholocs: “come to us, accept catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!” While walking away, the two friends engage in a debate about wether the offer is meant seriously. A week later, the two friends pass by the same church again and one confides in the other “I still wonder if that offer is serious.” The other replies condescendingly: “ah, you jews, all you think about is money!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80emnp/two_jewish_friends_pass_a_catholic_church/
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I could never be a politician...

....I'm too lazy I would just tell everyone what they want to hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80elzx/i_could_never_be_a_politician/
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If Korean pop is called k-pop, what do you call Chinese rap?

C-rap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ejlx/if_korean_pop_is_called_kpop_what_do_you_call/
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A man stucks in a traffic jam in US

He sees a foreign man is coming towards him. Foreign man comes and says:
– Terrorists captured Trump, we are collecting donations. If $10.000.000 hasn't given in 1 hour, they will burn him with gasoline.
– How much people donate usually?
– Around 5 gallons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80eg5e/a_man_stucks_in_a_traffic_jam_in_us/
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How did Tigger break the Bro Code?

He stole Pooh's honey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80efph/how_did_tigger_break_the_bro_code/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all in a 9th grade math class, which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she’s the only one who’s 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ecc8/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all_in_a/
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First Class Blonde

An express flight to New York is boarding passengers. Before all coach can get a seat, a flight stewardess realizes that there's one first class passenger still not sitting. He's arguing with another woman in a seat.
"I'm blonde, beautiful, and I can sit where I want."
The stewardess approaches and asks to see their tickets. Upon viewing her ticket, they find she's actually coach.
"I'm sorry," the flight stewardess says, "you paid for coach, you can't sit up here."
"I'm blonde and beautiful and I can do whatever I want." The blonde responded.
Unable to make the girl move, the flight stewardess goes to the pilot. The pilot follows her to the passenger in question, leans over, and whispers something in her ear.
"Oh!" She says, and she immediately moves to coach.
Once out of earshot, the stewardess and first class passenger ask what he told her to make her move.
"I just told her first class isn't going to New York."
((Bonus points: When I told this joke to my (Blonde) cousin, she asked, "Where was first class going?"))

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80e7pr/first_class_blonde/
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I was giving my girlfriend...[NSFW]

...oral sex. She wanted to get in on the act so we started to 69.
...changed my hole perspective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80e6w0/i_was_giving_my_girlfriendnsfw/
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I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning.

I'm getting rather good at golf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80e6rf/i_drove_my_daughters_hamster_to_the_vet_this/
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A boomer, a millennial, and a Gen Z kid walk into a bar

They sit down at a table and order a bottle of whiskey. The boomer pours a tall glass for himself and says, "There ain't no social security left, so I'm pouring myself a big glass of whiskey!" Then, the millennial grabs the bottle an pours a medium sized glass and says, "I've got $100,000 in student loans and no one is hiring so I'M pouring myself a big glass of whiskey!" They both turn to the Gen Z kid and say "what about you? What are you drinking for?" The Gen Z kid holds up the empty bottle and says, "Nothing, you guys drank it all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80e6kx/a_boomer_a_millennial_and_a_gen_z_kid_walk_into_a/
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Women tell each other they have "cute tops" all the time.

But I tell one woman she has a cute bottom...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80e282/women_tell_each_other_they_have_cute_tops_all_the/
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What's white and super annoying at breakfast?

An avalanche

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80e1qd/whats_white_and_super_annoying_at_breakfast/
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Why does EA love transexual midget porn?

Because it's a micro-trans-action.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80dxyf/why_does_ea_love_transexual_midget_porn/
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What's the difference between a perverse sexual desire and hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi?

One's hentai
The other's ten hi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80dw7y/whats_the_difference_between_a_perverse_sexual/
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My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type ...

He kept saying "Be positive" but it's going to be hard to do without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80dux9/my_dad_died_because_we_couldnt_remember_his_blood/
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Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf

Mensch on a bench

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80dtxf/whats_the_jewish_version_of_elf_on_a_shelf/
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What is the difference between a rooster and a thot.

One says cock-a-doodle-doo and the other says any cock will do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80dt9n/what_is_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_a/
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Mary had a little sheep

.
And with the sheep she went to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram.
Mary had a little lamb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80dpv7/mary_had_a_little_sheep/
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One guy tell his friends he got the best blowjob he ever had but there was 1 thing that bothered him......

She turned off the lights and started giving him the best blowjob he ever had but then she started singing the national anthem during it.
So his friend decides to hook up with her as well and comes back and says it was the most amazing blowjob he ever had but that she also sang the national anthem during it.
The final friend goes to hook up with her and as he is having the best blowjob he’s ever had she starts singing the national anthem.
At this point the man turns on the light and sees a glass eye laying on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80doga/one_guy_tell_his_friends_he_got_the_best_blowjob/
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I woke up to a surprise BJ this morning...

That’s the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80dklg/i_woke_up_to_a_surprise_bj_this_morning/
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Where do you drown a hippie?

In the mainstream (I know it was terrible)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80dieq/where_do_you_drown_a_hippie/
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What do you call a dog that reads a lot of reddit?

A sub woofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80dg1n/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_reads_a_lot_of_reddit/
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I really don't see the point...

... of making fun of blind people...
Also I just can't stand cripple jokes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80df5p/i_really_dont_see_the_point/
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How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna ride bikes!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80detn/how_many_adhd_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I work as a circumciser

It doesn't pay that well, but at least I get to keep the tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ddoi/i_work_as_a_circumciser/
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A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80dd98/a_60_year_old_millionaire_is_getting_married_and/
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My friend sent me some paper in an envelope



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80dap3/my_friend_sent_me_some_paper_in_an_envelope/
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An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.

"Well, I'll be damned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80d9rj/an_atheists_response_to_witnessing_the_second/
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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80d80z/a_young_teenage_girl_was_making_a_living_as_a/
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Misspelled

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80d7u3/misspelled/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80d4nt/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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A stand-up comedian tells a joke about a newly-discovered STI that takes ten years to show symptoms.

\* Slow clap *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80d3w4/a_standup_comedian_tells_a_joke_about_a/
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An old Texas Oil Man drove his brand new Corvette out of the dealership...

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left
&nbsp;
*“Amazing!”* he thought as he flew down I-20, pushing the pedal even more.
&nbsp;
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
&nbsp;
Suddenly he thought, *“What the hell am I doing? I’m too old for this!”* and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
&nbsp;
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said:
&nbsp;
*“Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”*
&nbsp;
The old oil man paused. Then he said, *“Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”*
&nbsp;
*“Have a good day, sir.”* replied the trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80d0om/an_old_texas_oil_man_drove_his_brand_new_corvette/
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A MIRACLE IN MY CHURCH!

Little Johnny goes to church on Sunday. There, he runs into the priest.
The priest says: Good morning Johnny!
Johnny: Good morning, Father.
Priest: Tell me Johnny, how is your brother Timmy doing these days?
Johnny: Well Father. Timmy is crippled you know? And just the other day Father, Timmy came to the church, took holy water and rubbed it on his right leg and threw his crutch away!
Priest: Oh my God, a miracle in my church! We are blessed by God! Then what happened?
Johnny: Well Father, then he took holy water, rubbed it on his left leg and threw his other crutch away!
Priest: Praise Jesus! This is truly a miracle in my church! God is great! Then what happened. Johnny?
Johnny: Well Father then he fell on his a$$. he's crippled you know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80d07t/a_miracle_in_my_church/
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A DIFFICULT QUESTION!

A little boy walks in to the kitchen one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" he asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5-year-old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says,
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the boy.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our butts when we go to the bathroom, and that is poo."
The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks.
"And Tigger?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80cz3i/a_difficult_question/
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A frog wants to get a loan

He goes to a bank and there is a pig behind the front desk.
The pig introduces herself
“I’m Pattywack, how may I help you”
The frog asks for a loan and to use an action figure as collateral.
Pattywack explains that the action figure is not enough to be collateral.
Pattywack’s boss overhears this and enters saying
“It’s a knickknack, Pattywack, give this frog a loan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80cwm6/a_frog_wants_to_get_a_loan/
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A nightclub near me won an award for "The weirdest entry policy"

Which is no small feat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80cq3h/a_nightclub_near_me_won_an_award_for_the_weirdest/
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I've stopped paying for sex recently

my prostitute recognised me and gave me a freebie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80cozh/ive_stopped_paying_for_sex_recently/
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It's been a long time since anyone talked about the Mandarin Effect

What? What do you mean it's the *Mandela* effect?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80cnve/its_been_a_long_time_since_anyone_talked_about/
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"I'm proud to be a black man"

"I'm proud to be a black man!" said the black man.
"I'm proud to be an Asian man!" said the Asian man.
"I'm proud to be a white man!" said the racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80cjrq/im_proud_to_be_a_black_man/
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A guy kept falling asleep in church

, so his wife asked the priest what she could do. The priest gives her a needle and tells her to stab him with it when he’s asleep.
The next day, during the sermon, the priest asks the church, ‘Who is our Saviour?’
The guy falls asleep. His wife stabs him and he shouts, in pain, ‘Jesus Christ!’. The priest congratulates him.
Ten minutes later, the guy’s fast asleep. The priest asks again, ‘Who do we serve in this church?’.
The man jumps up, having been stabbed again. ‘Dear God!’. The priest congratulates him.
Some time passes. The priest asks again, ‘What did Eve say unto Adam before she delivered his 99th child?’ Silence.
Then the guy, half asleep, having been stabbed yet again, howls, ‘If you stick that thing in me one more time, I will break it in half and shove it up your ass!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ci2m/a_guy_kept_falling_asleep_in_church/
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What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?

Haaaaaaaaaand Eyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ceuf/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
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A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80ce6r/a_blonde_mom_is_cooking_dinner_when_her_blonde/
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Mother-in-law

Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn’t it your mother-in-law’s funeral today?”
“Well you know how it is.Work first, then fun.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80cd8j/motherinlaw/
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Jack and Jill went up the hill

so jack could lick her candy,
Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock cuz' Jill's real name was Randy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80cd74/jack_and_jill_went_up_the_hill/
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Got an email from Google the other day...

"At Google Earth, we're so good we can read maps backwards"
I thought "that's just spam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80cbim/got_an_email_from_google_the_other_day/
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I wrote a book on penguins...

In hindsight, I realize that paper would have been much easier...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80cah2/i_wrote_a_book_on_penguins/
%
Why don't seagulls live by the bay?

Because, they would be bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80c9pv/why_dont_seagulls_live_by_the_bay/
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Actual joke dad said this morning

waitress: How do you like your eggs?
dad: in a cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80c9kl/actual_joke_dad_said_this_morning/
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What sound does a French hen make when it lays an egg?

Oeuf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80c282/what_sound_does_a_french_hen_make_when_it_lays_an/
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Two guys walk into a bar...

which is kinda stupid because the second guy should of seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80c0aq/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80bzfp/i_got_arrested_for_killing_a_black_man/
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I would prefer to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandma,

not screaming in terror like her passengers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80bz7t/i_would_prefer_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like/
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I went boating with cast of friends the other day...

None of them could use an oar, but Lisa Kudrow.
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80bx5h/i_went_boating_with_cast_of_friends_the_other_day/
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I didn't understand the joke about the thrown ball

but then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80bw9t/i_didnt_understand_the_joke_about_the_thrown_ball/
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Why was the USB named that way?

Because USA was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80bs5d/why_was_the_usb_named_that_way/
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Cowboy Lesbian

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,
spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat
there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him,
"Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my
whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending
fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've
never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend
my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning
I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to
make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another
drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a
real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80br44/cowboy_lesbian/
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A group of Cytologists are arrested...

and are thrown into jail. Since these are privileged folks, they’re put into a special jail where they live a single common living space, without separate rooms.
The cytologists start submitting complaints immediately to the state. Because without cells, it doesn’t meet living conditions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80bqgv/a_group_of_cytologists_are_arrested/
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Think of a number 0 to 20.

Add 32 to it, then multiply your answer by 2. Subtract 2. Now close your eyes.
It's dark, isnt it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80bktl/think_of_a_number_0_to_20/
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This morning I saw an ad for burial plots.

That's the last thing I need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80bhd6/this_morning_i_saw_an_ad_for_burial_plots/
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An elderly woman overhears a young mother and her daughter in the supermarket

"I want these cookies!", screams the child. "Laura, we're almost at the cashier, we'll soon be home", says the mother patiently.
"I want ice cream!", cries the child a few seconds later on their way to check out. "Laura, it won't be long anymore, we're almost there", says the mother, with no sign of annoyance.
"I WANT CHOCOLATE!", wails the child, while they start queuing up, attracting the looks of the people around them. "Laura, we'll soon be home, then you can have a nice hot tea and take a long nap", says the mother, smiling.
The elderly woman watching the scene unfold is deeply impressed with the mother's patience. Outside the supermarket, she approaches the mother to ask her how she can be so calm when dealing with little Laura's outbreaks. "This is Nicole", says the mother, indicating her daughter, "I'm Laura."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80b6qx/an_elderly_woman_overhears_a_young_mother_and_her/
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I heard that to make the perfect cup of tea you should agitate the bag.

So I slapped her on the bum and said, "put the kettle on, fatty".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80b437/i_heard_that_to_make_the_perfect_cup_of_tea_you/
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The CEOS of Budweiser, Miller, Heineken and Guinness sit down for a meal...

The waitress comes by for a drink order, and each orders their own.
Budweiser CEO: “I’ll have a Bud”
Miller: “MGD for me”
Heineken: “I’ll have a Heineken”
Guinness: “Iced tea”
Everyone stares.
Guinness replies: “what? If you aren’t drinking beer, neither am I!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80b37i/the_ceos_of_budweiser_miller_heineken_and/
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My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80awen/my_aunts_star_sign_was_cancer_pretty_ironic_how/
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Why don't Americans knock

Because freedom rings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80anwz/why_dont_americans_knock/
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During my check-up, I asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I guffawed, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80alro/during_my_checkup_i_asked_the_doctor_do_you_think/
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A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a street cafe watching a house across the street.

They notice two people entering the house and, after a while, three people leaving the house.
"The measurement wasn't accurate!", says the physicist.
"They must have reproduced!", says the biologist.
The mathematician says, "Should one more person enter the house, then it will be empty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80agor/a_physicist_a_biologist_and_a_mathematician_are/
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What did the grape say when it got squished?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80aekf/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_got_squished/
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Hillbilly murders are the hardest to solve

They don’t have dental records and all their DNA is the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80a9yt/hillbilly_murders_are_the_hardest_to_solve/
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"Mom, I'm pregnant"

Daughter: Mom, I’m pregnant!
Mom: I thought I told you when a guy touches your boobs, you should say don’t, and when he touches your vagina, say stop.
Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out: ”don’t, stop, don’t, stop"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80a828/mom_im_pregnant/
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There was a guy who suvived a shipwreck

There was a guy who survived a shipwreck and ended up in a small island where he was saved by the local tribesmen.
They were friendly and all but he noticed that there were no females in the tribe.
He got so nervous since he's the new guy around and the possiblity of him being male raped by these tribesman keeps on haunting him each day. So one night he mustered all the courage he had and asked one of the tribesman, "Where are the women in your tribe? How do you sexually relieve yourselves?" he asked. "Tonight you sleep, Tomorrow I show you" the villager told him.
So morning came, the villager woke him up and brought him to a nearby river, "There, my friend" pointing to a female rhino bathing in the river. "This?" he asked. The villager nodded with a malicious smile in his face, "You go first, my friend", said the villager.
He was quite hesitant but the eager face of the tribesman pressured him so much. So the guy pulled down his pants and started banging the female rhino while the tribesman is watching. Half an hour passed and the tribesman went down and asked him "are you about to finish?","Yes, I'm quite there" said the guy, "Great. We can't ride this rhino and go the women's village if you're banging it like that".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80a7s9/there_was_a_guy_who_suvived_a_shipwreck/
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Don't Mess With Your Wife

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. "Now... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80a3eg/dont_mess_with_your_wife/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

Ones really heavy and the others a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80a2qr/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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What does a leper say to a prostitute?

"Keep the tip"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80a0q2/what_does_a_leper_say_to_a_prostitute/
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Some animals are more equal than others..

One day, a horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.
He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mudhole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/809zjy/some_animals_are_more_equal_than_others/
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I want to create a cook book that can raise the dead

I'll call it the Necronomnomicon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/809spd/i_want_to_create_a_cook_book_that_can_raise_the/
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Why do moon rocks taste better than Earth rocks?

They’re a little meteor.
A joke I saw at the bowling alley...just wanted to share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/809sad/why_do_moon_rocks_taste_better_than_earth_rocks/
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I ordered a soft drink in Minneapolis and couldn't believe how small it was

Guess that's why it's in mini-soda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/809pk6/i_ordered_a_soft_drink_in_minneapolis_and_couldnt/
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Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?

Mr. Bigger’s baby, of course, because he’s a little Bigger.
(Credit to my 8-year-old)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/809oqp/whos_bigger_mr_bigger_or_mr_biggers_baby/
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Person 1: [Humming a continuous tone]

Person 2: Why are you doing that?
Person 1: Doing what?
Person 2: You’re just humming the same note without stopping.
Person 1: Oh that? I’m just waving.
Person 2: Huh?
Person 1: It’s sine language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/809njp/person_1_humming_a_continuous_tone/
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Did you hear about the old chameleon who can’t change color anymore?

He has reptile disfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/809k6x/did_you_hear_about_the_old_chameleon_who_cant/
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An Irishman's fiancee is a former prostitute.

She asked him if he minds this.
"Oh no, my family is gonna kill me."
"Maybe I shouldn't tell them that I was whore."
The Irishman sighs with relief.
"Oh. I thought you said protestant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/809iv6/an_irishmans_fiancee_is_a_former_prostitute/
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[NSFW] Skilled Frog

A woman walked into a pet store one day to get some supplies. She went up to the cash register to pay for them and she saw a sign next to a small fish tank that said, "Pussy eating frogs - $50. So not to be embarrassed she whispered to the cashier, "I'll take one of those." The cashier said, "Ok, now here are some instructions. Take them home and do every thing they say, in order."
The woman went home and did every thing the instructions said. She first took a bath, then she put on some perfume, then she put on a sexy nightgown, then she laid on the bed with the frog between her legs. She waited and waited and nothing happened. She thought maybe she did something wrong, so she did everything over again and still nothing. She called the pet store and told the manager, "Look, I've done everything the instructions said and this frog won't do anything." The manager said, "I'll be right there."
The manager arrived and the woman showed him again every thing she had done. The man picked up the frog and said, "I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/809dr6/nsfw_skilled_frog/
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Whats the difference between Middle Earth and New York?

Two towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/809abf/whats_the_difference_between_middle_earth_and_new/
%
Did you hear about the gay midget?

He came out of the cabinet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8095wz/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_midget/
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There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8095pz/there_was_a_comedy_club_called_the_joke/
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What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?

Hop in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8095da/what_do_you_say_to_a_onelegged_hitchhiker/
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I suddenly woke up in a world populated by dogs

There were dogs of all different breeds and for some reason most of them were puppies. While I looked around an older dog approached me:
"Welcome." - He said - "I'm Old Dog Bob, and I'm designated to explain things to you..."
What? the dogs could talk?
"...Once every 100 years a human is brought here and this time it was you." - Old Dog Bob continued.
"But how? Why?" - I said, clearly confused
"Look, we don't know why you appear, it simply happen. It's weird for us too, and it gets very awkward later."
"Why? What happens later?"
"Three days after the human appears there's a big poll, where we have two options: the first is allowing the human return home..."
"So.. That means I can go back!"
"Well, maybe. But the second option is a giant pile of cookies. So big it can last for 100 years, until the next human appears. That may sound selfish, but those cookies are really, really great too. Listen, you're gonna adapt well here. We can share the cookies with you too if you want to."
"That can't be. Do all dogs prefer voting for the cookies?"
"Well, not really. For some reason the puppies don't care about those cookies. But they also never want to join in the poll anyway."
"They don't mind the cookies and can vote?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"There seems to be a lot of puppies around!"
"So...?" - Old Dog Bob genuinely didn't seem to follow
"Well, I can just convince them to choose me instead of the cookies!"
"That won't happen! I just told you, the puppies never end up participating."
"Until now! But maybe I can convince them to! This is my only way home!"
"No way!" - said Old Dog Bob - "The puppies never cared for voting and that won't change now!"
Old Dog Bob could have a point. But hope is very motivating. At that point in my mind I had nothing but a single question:
&nbsp;
How many pupvotes can I get?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8094h5/i_suddenly_woke_up_in_a_world_populated_by_dogs/
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The guy that played Killmonger in Black Panther is great

He's the Michael Jordan of acting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/809458/the_guy_that_played_killmonger_in_black_panther/
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Why didn't the life guard save the drowning hippie?

Because he was too far out man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/809082/why_didnt_the_life_guard_save_the_drowning_hippie/
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How do Flat Earthers spread their lies?

...they get around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/808y25/how_do_flat_earthers_spread_their_lies/
%
A woman asked her programmer husband to go and pick up some bread, and if there were eggs, to get a dozen.

So he came home with 12 loaves of bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/808xfp/a_woman_asked_her_programmer_husband_to_go_and/
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The Great Cow Escape

A group of cows who were no longer producing the required amount of milk were scheduled to be butchered. They had a long discussion the night before, and decided to try an escape. They used cow mannequins to fool the farmer and snuck out successfully. It was an elaborate plan filled with bravery and heroism. Proving true, once again, that drastic times call for plastic heifers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/808laf/the_great_cow_escape/
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Jack and Jill

have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, and he doesn't want to be biased or sexist, so he decides the first one of them to use the drinking fountain will get the ax.
While he's considering what to say, Jill walks up with some aspirin to take a drink. Her boss, very sympathetically says, "Jill, I've either got to lay you or Jack off."
Jill responds with a sigh, "Well, you'll have to jack off, I've got a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/808hyv/jack_and_jill/
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A woman dressed in a burqa was shopping in a supermarket

And soon discovered that she was being followed around by a little boy who apparently seemed dumbfounded and kept looking at her wide eyed.
Being a muslim woman, she was used to getting weird looks and tried to brush it off and kept shopping.
She finally went to the checkout lane and found that the kid was standing right in front of her with his mother, still staring at her in utter shock.
Trying to be friendly, the woman asks “ Is there something I can help you with, son?” The kid hesitantly walks up to her, pulls at her burqa and whispers...
“I love you, Batman”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/808hvd/a_woman_dressed_in_a_burqa_was_shopping_in_a/
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How do you know how heavy a Red hot Chilli Pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/808g1r/how_do_you_know_how_heavy_a_red_hot_chilli_pepper/
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what happened when the cheese factory exploded?

de-brie went flying everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/807u6l/what_happened_when_the_cheese_factory_exploded/
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Johnny’s girlfriend was in labor

with their first child. She was shouting out, “Get this out of me? Give me the drugs.”
She looked at him and said, “You did this to me you *******!”
He casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your *** but you said, ‘it’ll be too painful!’.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/807tzu/johnnys_girlfriend_was_in_labor/
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What do you call a witch who uses illegal spells?

A hex offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/807tmb/what_do_you_call_a_witch_who_uses_illegal_spells/
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Why do cows often have bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/807rra/why_do_cows_often_have_bells_around_their_necks/
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If I had to choose to hang out with either Mario, Luigi or Toad. I'd pick Toad.

He seems like a fungi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/807qar/if_i_had_to_choose_to_hang_out_with_either_mario/
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I bumped into my dad in a brothel yesterday, I was speechless…

I thought he worked in a bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/807p42/i_bumped_into_my_dad_in_a_brothel_yesterday_i_was/
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"Give it to me!

I'm so fucking wet! Give it to me now!"
She can scream all she wants, I'm not giving her the damn umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/807mwy/give_it_to_me/
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What is God's favorite chord?

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/807a36/what_is_gods_favorite_chord/
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A guy walks into his friends room and tells him he finally finished his book about basil...

Friend: "Well it's about time!"
Guy: "No, it's about basil!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8079nb/a_guy_walks_into_his_friends_room_and_tells_him/
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Three construction workers are eating lunch on a beam of a 50 story building...

First guy looks in his lunch box. "Tuna again. If I have to eat this shit one more time, I'm gonna kill myself."
Second guy looks in his lunch box. "Egg salad again. If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm gonna kill myself, too."
Third guy looks in his lunch box. "Goddamn bologna. If I gotta eat bologna one more time, I'm gonna kill myself!"
The next day the three of them sit down to eat lunch again. First guy opens his lunch box and sees tuna. He lets out an anguished scream and leaps to his death. The second guy opens his lunch box and sees egg salad. He screams, "FUCK THIS SHIT! I can't take it anymore!" and jumps to his death. Third guy opens his lunch box and sees a bologna sandwich. "Goddammit!" he yells, and leaps to his death.
At the funeral, the first man's wife falls on the coffin sobbing. "If only you would have told me you were so sick of tuna! I would have made you something else!"
The second man's wife falls to her knees crying, "I made myself a ham sandwich! If you would have just said you were so sick of egg salad, I would have swapped!"
The third man's wife is sitting in the pew. The other two glance back at her. She shrugs. "Don't look at me. That idiot packed his own lunches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80798q/three_construction_workers_are_eating_lunch_on_a/
%
I ate a bunch of German food last night...

I have the wurst gas right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8076kf/i_ate_a_bunch_of_german_food_last_night/
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A snail goes to buy a car

He walks up to the salesman and says “I want a white car.” The salesman, a little puzzled, says “we have lots of white cars, would you like to look at anything specific?” The snail says “nothing in particular. Let’s try that one” as he points to the first white car he sees. After the test drive, he tells the salesman that he will buy it. Excited to see that he just got an easy sale, he goes to get the paperwork, but right before he leaves the snail says “I will buy the car on one condition: I want a bunch of S’s painted all over it.“ The salesman is flat out confused, and he asks, “now why on earth would you want a bunch of S’s all over your brand new car?” The snail says “I want the S’s so when I pass people on the road, they can say, ‘look at that escargot!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/807689/a_snail_goes_to_buy_a_car/
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Three young princes

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone, everything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
The third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8070l9/three_young_princes/
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"You're a shit quay!" I shouted. Everyone looked at me like I was a weirdo, but I blame my girlfriend.

She was the one that told me to diss a pier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/806xih/youre_a_shit_quay_i_shouted_everyone_looked_at_me/
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I Had A Threesome With My Best Friend and His Girlfriend

After the first 45 minutes I told him, "I don't think she's coming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8068zq/i_had_a_threesome_with_my_best_friend_and_his/
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I had a dream I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda.

When I woke up I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8068kb/i_had_a_dream_i_was_drowning_in_an_ocean_of/
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An old man goes to a church

He enters the confession box, kneels and says
"Father, I am 60 years old. I have been married for 35 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old. She was hot and gorgeous. I ravished her and she enjoyed every moment of it"
The priest said : "When was last time you had confessed to your sins?"
Man said: "Are you kidding? I am Jewish."
The miffed priest replied: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I don't know. I am telling everybody!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80654k/an_old_man_goes_to_a_church/
%
Spider Sense

With great power comes greats response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8062rr/spider_sense/
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An old man goes into the chemist to buy some viagra.

"Can I have six tablets cut into quarters please."says the old man.
"I can cut them," says the chemist, "but a quarter of a tablet won't give you an erection."
"I am 96 years old," he replies "I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8062n3/an_old_man_goes_into_the_chemist_to_buy_some/
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I went to a cannibal's party

I had a ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80620g/i_went_to_a_cannibals_party/
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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8061wl/a_75yearold_man_walked_into_a_crowded_waiting/
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Best joke in the..

**World:**
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
**UK:**
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well,
* Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
* Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
* Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
* Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
* Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”
**USA:**
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
**Canada:**
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
**Australia:**
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
**Belgium:**
Man walks into a Dr.’s office with a duck on his head.
Dr. says, “May I help you?”
Duck says, “Yeah – get this guy off my butt!”
**Germany:**
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
**Scotland:**
Scottish man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scottish man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thats full O coos Sharn ' (Don't drink the water ya fool, it's full of cow shit)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scottish man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
**Ireland:**
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
**Wales:**
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/805zlx/best_joke_in_the/
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Why are black people so great at jumping? [NSFW]

Because their knee grows...
But I can't be racist because being racist is a crime.
And only black people commit crimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/805y52/why_are_black_people_so_great_at_jumping_nsfw/
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A Brunette Asking A Blonde

Brunette: "Where were you born?"
Blonde: "The United States."
Brunette: "Which part?"
Blonde: "My whole body."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/805wil/a_brunette_asking_a_blonde/
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Is it wrong to take two gorgeous, young homeless girls home with you?

After all, it's just a cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/805w3q/is_it_wrong_to_take_two_gorgeous_young_homeless/
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What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/805w3i/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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I want to be less cynical

But I know that'll never happen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/805usd/i_want_to_be_less_cynical/
%
So my 10 year old daughter asked me, “What’s the difference between Confidence and Confidential?”

Well I thought about it carefully and said “as I am your Dad, you are my daughter, of that I am Confident. Your friend Sally down the street is also my daughter, that is Confidential!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/805mic/so_my_10_year_old_daughter_asked_me_whats_the/
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I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet was invented

I tried asking my 20 brothers and sisters but they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/805m4d/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/805jgx/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
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"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/805f7w/silent_farts_that_dont_stink/
%
A Walmart pharmacist walks in to relieve her co-worker and sees a man leaning against the shelves.

She asks her co-worker , "What's with that guy over there leaning against the shelves?" He says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. We’re out of cough syrup, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/805b7l/a_walmart_pharmacist_walks_in_to_relieve_her/
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Why did the bear go to the psychiatrist?

Because he was bi-polar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8059cx/why_did_the_bear_go_to_the_psychiatrist/
%
What do you call a last minute Catholic Church service that everyone needs to attend?

Critical Mass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8057ox/what_do_you_call_a_last_minute_catholic_church/
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My boss just texted me: "Send me one of your funny jokes!"

I texted him back: "I'm busy working. I'll send one later."
"That's hilarious," he said. "Send another one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8057kt/my_boss_just_texted_me_send_me_one_of_your_funny/
%
A Department of Water Conservation inspector stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field over there."
The conservation inspector said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the inspector running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize long-horned bull.
The bull was gaining on the inspector with every step. The inspector was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out, "Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80564u/a_department_of_water_conservation_inspector/
%
My dog, Scratch got onto the counter and ate the dinner I was preparing. I was so pissed.

Whatever. I put together what I could and served it to my girlfriend. She said, "This is the most delicious meal I've ever had! You have to give me the recipe!"  "It's nothing special." I told her. "I made it from Scratch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/805630/my_dog_scratch_got_onto_the_counter_and_ate_the/
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Three couples are trying to get married.

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8054wz/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married/
%
What do a thong and Donald Trump's toupee have in common?

They both barely cover an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8053sa/what_do_a_thong_and_donald_trumps_toupee_have_in/
%
Why does Jesus always go first when the disciples go Curling?

Because they let he who is without sin cast the first stone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8053e0/why_does_jesus_always_go_first_when_the_disciples/
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An old lady treats herself.

An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel.
When she checked out the next morning, the receptionist handed her a bill for £250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth £250..00 for just an overnight stay – I didn’t even have breakfast!”
The receptionist told her that £250.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the Receptionist, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.”
“But I didn’t use them.”
”Well, they are here, and you could have.” He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here.”
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she Pleaded.
“Well, we have them, and you could have.” was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. “But Madam, this check is for only £50.00!”
“That’s correct” she replied “I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me.”
“But I didn’t sleep with you, madam!” said the manager.
“Well, thats just too bad. I was here, and you could have"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8052xd/an_old_lady_treats_herself/
%
The inventor of autocorrect died today

His funfair will be hello on sundial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/804zuv/the_inventor_of_autocorrect_died_today/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

The barkeep says, "you've got a steering wheel in your pants."
The pirate: "Aaarg! And it's driving me nuts!"
Edit * my dad may or may not have told me this joke..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/804zp6/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
%
Mountains aren't just funny

They're hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/804znx/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practice and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it is a Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!"
The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking towelhead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/804zej/two_syrian_refugees_compete_to_see_who_can_become/
%
What do you call a rich Chinese man?

Cha Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/804x2o/what_do_you_call_a_rich_chinese_man/
%
Why are trainsets like breasts?

They're both made for kids, but the adults prefer to play them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/804wd8/why_are_trainsets_like_breasts/
%
I've just bought some Viagra eyedrops...

They make you look hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/804vw7/ive_just_bought_some_viagra_eyedrops/
%
A boy asks his pastor if there are contradictions in the Bible

"Yes and no..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/804vtg/a_boy_asks_his_pastor_if_there_are_contradictions/
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God is very angry with the world

and summons to the Head of ISIS, Putin and Donald Trump. He tells them if you do not stop messing up on earth, I will have you clean shit for the rest of your days !!!!
Shocked the 3 leaders return to earth and go to their people.
The head of ISIS starts. People, I have two bad news for you .The first one, God exists, the second one, if we do not stop messing up on earth, we'll have to clean shit for the rest of our lives.
It's Putin's turn. Russian people, I have two news, one good and one bad. The good one, God exists, the bad one, if we do not stop messing up on earth, we'll have to clean shit for the rest of our lives.
It's up to Trump. My fellow Americans, I have two good news for you. My father greets you and I have a job for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/804pxl/god_is_very_angry_with_the_world/
%
What did the boy say to the -1 when it became a 1?

Nice abs!!!
As an engineer, avid exerciser, and new father I am very proud of myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/804lxj/what_did_the_boy_say_to_the_1_when_it_became_a_1/
%
A rope walks into a bar

The bartender refuses to serve him, saying, “We don’t serve rope here.”
The rope walks outside, ducks into an alley, loops himself around himself until he is short and fat. Then he messes his hair up and walks back into the bar.
The bartender looks him up and down. “Hey, aren’t you that rope I kicked out of here before?”
“I’m a frayed knot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/804lmk/a_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man asks a trainer in the gym

I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use? Trainer answers, use the ATM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/804l84/a_man_asks_a_trainer_in_the_gym/
%
What’s the difference between a professional fisherman and a teenage boy?

One’s a master baiter, the other’s a masturbator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/804geh/whats_the_difference_between_a_professional/
%
How do Mexicans feel about Trump’s wall?

They’ll get over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8049nm/how_do_mexicans_feel_about_trumps_wall/
%
A Woman Goes to Bass Pro

A woman goes into the local Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB.test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he said.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asked, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replied, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
She paid the bill...................

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80486t/a_woman_goes_to_bass_pro/
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I was forced to dress up in a half man, half horse costume.

I hate being the centaur of attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/804820/i_was_forced_to_dress_up_in_a_half_man_half_horse/
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A mathematician wasn't too confident about his appearance...

So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand.
After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."
"Well that's just mean."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8041ub/a_mathematician_wasnt_too_confident_about_his/
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I had 5 guys once...

But it was dark so there could’ve been 6 or 7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80406u/i_had_5_guys_once/
%
How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Put a little boogie in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/803zjs/how_do_you_make_a_kleenex_dance/
%
Two men are drinking in a bar

They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.
The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"
So they swapped sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/803wqh/two_men_are_drinking_in_a_bar/
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Barry worked on a farm

He was absolutely obsessed with farm machinery, particularly tractors. He loved working on them, driving them, ploughing with them, and at the end of the day cleaning them.
His room was filled with tractor posters, he often completed puzzles of tractors, built and painted small model tractors. He even dreamed of working at the tractor factory, so he could build the tractors. The only think Barry loved more than tractors was his dog Harold.
One day, Barry was reversing his tractor out of the shed, when Harold darted out of the farm house chasing a pig. Barry slammed the brakes, but it was too late, he'd flattened Harold.
Barry was distraught, he ran through the farm house tearing down all his posters, smashing his models, upending the puzzles he had spent hours working on. He vowed never to look at a tractor again.
Barry sold the farm and moved to the city, he found a job at a small diner, and forgot all about his past.
Barry had worked at the diner for over a year, and been promoted to head chef. A regular customer always complained the fries were too dry, so Barry had the great idea to install a new fryer. The day of the delivery came, and Barry was so excited, he filled the fryer with oil and switched it on. No sooner had he done so, than the whole thing set alight, filling the entire diner with thick black smoke. Customers were screaming, children were running around terrified trying to find an exit.
Just then, Barry stood on the counter and sucked up all the black smoke. He turned to the window and blew all the smoke outside, the customers were then able to find the exit and everyone made a safe escape.
When the fire brigade finally arrived and had put out the fire, the fire chief approach Barry and asked "how on earth did you do that?" Barry replied "it was nothing, I'm an ex-tractor fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/803w04/barry_worked_on_a_farm/
%
Five Dutchmen crammed in an old Renault 4, are driving through Belgium when they get pulled over ...

Five Dutchmen are crammed in an old Renault 4 and driving through Belgium when they get pulled over by a traffic cop.
“Good morning, I guess you know why I pulled you guys over, don’t you?”
“Well officer, I actually don’t. We couldn’t have been speeding, this car won’t even make the speed limit.”
“No, no, it’s not that. Do you not realise what car you’re driving?”
“Yes sir, a classic Renault 4”
“Right. And how many of you are in the car?”
“Five, sir.”
“There you go. One too many. Renault 4 is for four people.” The driver looks at the cop, slightly baffled.
“Sir, the number 4 doesn’t mean only four people are allowed to ride. I know it’s a bit cramped, but surely not illegal.”
“Are you telling me I don’t know the rules?” the cop says angrily.
“No, no, not at all sir, it’s just ... Renault 4 is just the model number, not the capacity.” The cop, looking a bit unsure now, scratches his head and says “Alright, I’ll call my boss to check.” (On the radio) “Boss, Stef here, listen ... I’ve got five Hollanders here in a Renault 4 and they insist this isn’t illegal."
(Boss) “Stef, I don’t have time for your stupid questions right now. I’ve got three Italians in a Fiat Uno here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/803r72/five_dutchmen_crammed_in_an_old_renault_4_are/
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This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast and as I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all and I gave her a banging right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She chuckled, "The egg timer's broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/803qfo/this_morning_my_wife_was_in_the_kitchen_preparing/
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What's a Hogwarts student's favourite boy band? [NSFW]

Wand Erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/803qa7/whats_a_hogwarts_students_favourite_boy_band_nsfw/
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A large group walks into a bar...

The first guy orders a shot of rum and asks the bartender to open a tab for him. The next person also asks for a shot of rum and asks the bartender to open a tab for her. The third person does the same. After the twentieth person in the row does the same thing, the bartender screams angrily, storms out of the bar, gets into his car, and immediately gets into an accident. A member of the group, confused, asks his friend what had just happened. He responds, "Well we had too many tabs open, and he ran out of rum, so he tried to force quit and ended up crashing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/803oxx/a_large_group_walks_into_a_bar/
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Don't you love sitting on the sofa late at night with a glass of wine in your hand?

Until the police come along and escort you out of IKEA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/803msb/dont_you_love_sitting_on_the_sofa_late_at_night/
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Jesus was walking through Nazareth...

...and he comes upon a crowd of people all shouting angrily and shaking fists full of rocks. Working his way to the front he finds a woman on the floor at the front of the crowd, her clothes ripped and with bruises and cuts to her body.
He turns to one of the most voracious members of the crowd and asks him 'What's going on? Why are you doing this?'
The man shouts in reply 'She's an adulteress whore, and will be stoned to death for her sins.'
Jesus shakes his head and steps out in front, raising his hands to silence the crowd. 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.'
From the back of the crowd a rock flies through the air, smacking the adulteress in the middle of the temple and knocking her unconscious at best.
Jesus sighs, droops his head and puts his hands on his hips. Finally raising his head he speaks to the crowd again 'You know what mother sometimes you really piss me off'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/803mjn/jesus_was_walking_through_nazareth/
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Have you seen Black Panther?

Wakanda question is that?
Sorry if repost, this just hit me. Couldn’t find it by searching on my phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/803h3g/have_you_seen_black_panther/
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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/803h1l/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
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I just met the girl of my dreams...

Yeah I probably shouldn't have bought a haunted house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/803ccc/i_just_met_the_girl_of_my_dreams/
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Where was Saddam Hussein found hiding?

Between Iraq and a hard place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/803bk4/where_was_saddam_hussein_found_hiding/
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I came home from work today to find my wife and her two fat friends eating doritos on the couch..

I mumbled under my breath "fat fucking cows" she said "what did you just say?!" "You herd"
PS: obligatory repost after reading the other joke in the frontpage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/803ajc/i_came_home_from_work_today_to_find_my_wife_and/
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A newlywed couple moves into their new house

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8034ah/a_newlywed_couple_moves_into_their_new_house/
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I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet...

but only for like 20 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8030tq/i_once_had_a_goldfish_that_could_breakdance_on_a/
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What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80305m/what_do_you_call_an_ethiopian_with_a_yeast/
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What was Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

HAAAAAAAND EEEEEEYEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/802ze9/what_was_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
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My girlfriend said she left me because of my obsession with The Monkees. At first I thought she was kidding..

..but then I saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/802xz9/my_girlfriend_said_she_left_me_because_of_my/
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A family of Irish Potatoes are talking

So a family of potatoes - a mother and her three daughters - are sitting at the dinner table one night. The eldest daughter speaks up. She says:
"Mother, I've got big news."
"What is it?" her mother says.
"Oh, mother, I'm gonna get married."
"Oh are you now?" her mother replies. "Who you gonna marry?"
"I'm gonna marry Irish Red."
"Oh a fine tater, a very fine tater indeed" says her mother.
Then the middle daughter speaks up: "I've got big news too, mother!"
"What is it?" her mother says.
"Oh, mother, I'm gonna get married too you know."
"Oh are you now?" her mother replies. "And who are you gonna marry?"
"I'm gonna marry Idaho Gold."
"Oh Idaho Gold, a fine tater, a very fine tater indeed" says her mother.
Then the youngest daughter, who is no more than a child, speaks up.
here, I've got big news too you know."
"Oh do you now?" her mother says.
"Oh, yes mother, I'm gonna get married too."
"Oh are you now?" her mother replies. "And who are you gonna marry?"
"I'm gonna marry Dan Rather."
"Why, Dan Rather! But sweetie, he's just a common tater."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/802uk8/a_family_of_irish_potatoes_are_talking/
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The Bee

One day a bee gets bored of his daily jobs, so he decided to leave his hive an explore the world.
He begins his journey, and travels across all 50 states of America, meeting many wonderful people on the way. Everyone seems to like the bee. But there has to be more to life, the Bee thought, and so he decided to go to college.
Four years go by, and the bee graduates with perfect grades, and moves on to a six figure job. Everyone loves him, but he decided that the job isn't right for him, so he retires.
But the bee insists there has to be more to life, and so he decides to run for president. He wins the primaries and the general election in a landslide, and goes on to become to most popular president in history, and signs into law a ton of amazing legislation. Four years pass, and he decides to run for a second term.
He wins again in a landslide, and everyone is so excited to see what he will do next. After those four years are up, he travels over to Vatican city where on arrival, he is all the sudden made the new pope.
After inspiring millions around the globe, the bee decides he wants to visit his hive again to see how everyone has been, and to tell all his friends about his accomplishments.
When he gets there he is greeted with joy. Him and his friends decide to celebrate, so they go out for dinner at a buffet. After a while he gets thirsty and so he and his friends head over to get a drink.
"let's get some beer!" One says, and so they prance over to the beer, but the wait is huge.
"I have an idea!" The bee's other friend says. "Let's get some soda!" So they trot over to the soda, but there is a huge crowd around the soda.
"You know what?" The bee says. "Let's just get some fruit punch." So the three bees race over to the juice bar, and guess what?
There is no punch line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/802tjy/the_bee/
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Old people at weddings always poke me and say,"you're next."

So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/802t16/old_people_at_weddings_always_poke_me_and/
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A blind man knocks on a door.

A beautiful woman answers and the man says "nice tits, where do you want the blind?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/802qjg/a_blind_man_knocks_on_a_door/
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I really hate being bipolar.

It's awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/802fmy/i_really_hate_being_bipolar/
%
You know I've always liked the arctic

There has always been something cool about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/802bt4/you_know_ive_always_liked_the_arctic/
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How to Spot a Thot

A group of three girls were chatting when a young man approached them and said "I bet I can tell which one of you three is the thot of the group." Shocked, insulted, and overwhelmingly curious, the girls asked how he could tell. "It's easy," he laughed and turned to the first girl, "Girl #1, how many men have you slept with?"
&nbsp;
The first girl replied hesitantly, "Uhm....three? Only my ex-boyfriends."
&nbsp;
"Alright," said the man, "Girl #2, how many men have you slept with?"
&nbsp;
The second girl, much more confidently answered "I've slept with twenty five."
&nbsp;
"Cool." The man, turned to the last girl and asked "Girl #3, how many men have you slept with?"
&nbsp;
The girl held up her hand and began counting on her fingers. "Well there's Brad... Jimmy... Brian..."
&nbsp;
"Stop right there," the man interrupted her. "You're the thot of the group." All three women, mouths open with astonishment asked how on earth he came to this conclusion.
&nbsp;
He said with a smile, "It's the thot that counts."
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
.... and then he got all three of their numbers, good night everybody!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8025p0/how_to_spot_a_thot/
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Whats Michelle Obamas Favorite Vegetable?

Barack-oli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8024vz/whats_michelle_obamas_favorite_vegetable/
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Mum: How was school today, Johnny?

Johnny: It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!
Mum: Ooh, they do so much fun stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?
Johnny: What school?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/801zml/mum_how_was_school_today_johnny/
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An astronaut refused to return to Earth to see his girlfriend

he said he needed more space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/801xvo/an_astronaut_refused_to_return_to_earth_to_see/
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The FBI Agent

An agent for the FBI has been assigned the task of recruiting a new assassin. He has found a man who is dating, a man who is married, and a man who has been divorced and gives them each a gun. He tells them that in order to be enlisted they must go in an empty room and shoot their lover to prove their efficiency as a killer.
The man who is dating goes in the room first and sees his girlfriend tied to a chair and he closes the door. After a few minutes of silence pass by, the man comes out crying and tells the FBI agent: "I can't. She's the love of my life and I just can't bring myself to hurt her". The FBI agent tells the man he failed and he walks off.
The man who is married goes in second and sees his wife tied to a chair. Again, a few minutes of silence pass by and the man exits and says: "I've loved that woman for as long as I can remember. I'll never forgive myself". The FBI agent is annoyed and tells the man that he failed.
Lastly, the man who is divorced goes in and sees his ex-wife tied to a chair. He closes the door and sounds of intense struggling, yelling and then a long silence pass by. The man exits the door drenched in sweat and the FBI agent asks him: "What happpened? Did you shoot her?". The man then responds to the agent: "No. The gun jammed so I had to strangle the bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/801w8h/the_fbi_agent/
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What's black and white and full of fuzz?

A squad car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/801rhz/whats_black_and_white_and_full_of_fuzz/
%
I donated my watch to a homeless person today.

I was so happy when he put his knife back in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/801qhg/i_donated_my_watch_to_a_homeless_person_today/
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What's the difference between an artist and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/801n6g/whats_the_difference_between_an_artist_and_a/
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A pregnant woman gets into a car accident.

The impact is so bad, the woman goes into a coma for 6 months. When she wakes up in the hospital, her first thought is, "oh, God, where are my babies?" This is the first thing she asks the doctor when he comes to see her.
"Oh, your babies are just fine," the doctor tells her assuredly. "One's a boy, one's a girl. But since you were unconscious when you had them, your brother named them for you."
The woman becomes slightly nervous, knowing her brother is a bit of a showoff, a little out there. "So, what did he name them?"
"Well, he named the girl Denise."
Denise. Not a bad name. Good going, bro. "And the boy? What did he name the boy?", she asks.
"Denephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/801lsy/a_pregnant_woman_gets_into_a_car_accident/
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Conservation of momentum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/801iai/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
Why'd the nervous couple leave the orgy early?

They were afraid that someone would come between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/801heu/whyd_the_nervous_couple_leave_the_orgy_early/
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Why did the bear dissolve in water?

It was polar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/801egf/why_did_the_bear_dissolve_in_water/
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A black family of 5 lives by a magical river that turns black people to white people...

...when you swim across it. First the mother jumps in and swims across. When she comes out she turns white.
She yells to her husband, "Honey, it worked! Swim across!"
The father jumps in and swims across and he too turned white when he got out.
They then say come on kids! The three kids jump in and realized that they don't know how to swim.
The mother says to the husband, "Are you gonna jump in and save them?"
The father responds and says, "No fuck those n***ers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/801dsb/a_black_family_of_5_lives_by_a_magical_river_that/
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What did the terrorist say when his video reached the front page?

Holy shit this blew up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/801dkz/what_did_the_terrorist_say_when_his_video_reached/
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What kind of math do cows do?

Cowculus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/801czl/what_kind_of_math_do_cows_do/
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What do the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus and wipe out Klingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8014u9/what_do_the_uss_enterprise_and_toilet_paper_have/
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Hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his beautiful young wife?

He fired them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/800z0k/hear_about_the_farmer_who_couldnt_keep_his_hands/
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Why can't paraplegics cook Chinese food?

Because they can't "wok."
Note: May be cheesy and offensive, but I coined this joke when humor could be silly and irreverent, and y'all were begging for non-reposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/800q9t/why_cant_paraplegics_cook_chinese_food/
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Why did the iguana go to the doctor?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/800ouk/why_did_the_iguana_go_to_the_doctor/
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What do you call a mix between a horse, elephant, and rhino

A Helephino(hellifiknow)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/800n8i/what_do_you_call_a_mix_between_a_horse_elephant/
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My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo

The money's not great but the tips are huge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/800mo9/my_buddy_took_a_job_circumcising_elephants_at_the/
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Two Inuits marry and consummate that night.

The next morning, the bride discovers that she is six months pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/800kmg/two_inuits_marry_and_consummate_that_night/
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What should be the official language of the EU?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
&nbsp;
*********
&nbsp;
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
&nbsp;
*********
&nbsp;
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
&nbsp;
*********
&nbsp;
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
&nbsp;
*********
&nbsp;
#Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/800jsg/what_should_be_the_official_language_of_the_eu/
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A priest and a rabbi run from a burning building...

...the Priest tells the Rabbi
“What about the children?”
The Rabbi responds by saying
“Fuck the children!”
Then the Priest says
“Do you think we will have time?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/800j60/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_run_from_a_burning_building/
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Masochist: C'mon. Tie me up. humiliate me. Whip me.

Sadist: No

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/800hii/masochist_cmon_tie_me_up_humiliate_me_whip_me/
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There's a meeting at the zoo and once again, the Giraffe is late.

Lion: you're late, the meeting started at sunset.
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucking midget!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/800eql/theres_a_meeting_at_the_zoo_and_once_again_the/
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Why don't they listen to Miles Davis in Europe?

Because they listen to Kilometres Davis instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8009et/why_dont_they_listen_to_miles_davis_in_europe/
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What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/800332/what_do_pink_floyd_and_princess_diana_have_in/
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If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...

I'd wonder why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/80027b/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_was_suspicious/
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"I love my job!" said the farmer

"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8000mk/i_love_my_job_said_the_farmer/
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If I had a dollar for every time Algebra has actually helped me

I’d have x dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zzx2l/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_algebra_has/
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Cockatoo sitter wanted.

An old lady lives in a likewise old ranch style home next to a pasture with some chickens, a rooster, a goat and a couple cats. Her favorite however is her talking cockatoo the stays in the house with her. She decides she'd like to take a vacation, and so she puts out an ad for a house sitter. She gets a sitter lined out who comes to the house to get familiarized with the daily routine.
The sitter is greeted by the old lady, and a loud squawk of a 'hello' by the cockatoo. The old lady tells the sitter, "all in all its pretty easy, the chickens and the goat will graze all day by themselves but put down some feed in the morning and afternoon for them. Don't worry about the cats, they'll do plenty of hunting on their own to keep fed, but if they come whining there is some kibble in the pantry you can feed them. Not too much though I don't want them getting lazy!
"Now my cockatoo is a little more particular about his food, and as you've heard he talks too!
The sitter didn't really think the squawked mimicry really counted as talkingbut who was she to judge.
"He only eats once a day, but you've got to be sure to remember to get this right or else my baby gets very upset. He needs three eggs at room temperature, in their shells, in his cage at exactly 6am sharp! With that and making sure he has fresh water and a clean cage he'll take care of the rest himself! Oh and I'll leave tomorrow's eggs out on the counter for you so you don't have to worry about getting them."
The sitter took the rest of the old lady's instructions and saw her out the door, silently pondering the ridiculous feeding plan for the cockatoo but hey, money is money.
The next morning the sitter wakes up in a cozy spare bedroom to the sounds of an old flip number alarm beeping, realizing she has missed the 6 am mark by roughly 2 and a half minutes. As she wakes up further she realizes there's a caucophany of banging and unintelligible screaming coming from the front room. Thinking the house is being robbed she ripped the alarm from the wall as a weapon and runs out to the living room to find it filled with feathers. The source of the noise and the feathers is the cockatoo who is throwing an unbelievable fit, and upon seeing her screams in clear unbroken English the most vile, insulting, and shocking string of explitives and curses the sitter had ever heard.
Mortified, the sitter rushes to provide the three room temp eggs to the bird, who promptly grabs each one in turn with a single claw, picks them up, cracks them in half with its beak and swallows the contents whole. When he is finished he throws a glare at the sitter that says more than words.
That night the sitter went to the coop and stockpiled some eggs in the refrigerator, and then went to bed extra early to make sure she was up in time to provide the devil bird it's breakfast punctually.
At 5 30am the sitter woke up, rubbed the sleep from her eyes and went out to the kitchen only to realize with a shock that she had forgot to pull three eggs out before going to sleep to let them warm to room temp. Quickly she grabs three eggs and cradles them close to her until 6am trying to warm them before she places them carefully in the cage.
The bird, surprisingly pleasant this morning thanks her for her punctuality.
The sitter watches nervously as the bird cracks the first egg, and gently tests the yolk with his tongue before promotly flinging it across the cage, smashing the other two eggs, cursing the sitters stupidity for the cold eggs, and throwing a cursing fit even worse than the day before.
That evening, rightly peeved about the pottymouthed cockatoo, the sitter hatches a plan to give that bird what he deserves and show him she's not going to be bullied. She takes three eggs and with a small needle, she drains the contents, and places them on the counter to let them 'warm'.
The next morning the eggs are provided right at 6am on the dot, and after testing the shells with his tongue and finding them warm, the cockatoo again surprisingly polite, thanks the sitter for his breakfast.
He picks up the first shell, cracks it, and finds it empty. He silently repeats the process with the other two eggs while the sitter stifles a giggle. Without so much ad a squawk, the bird opens his cage door, hops out and flies out a cracked window towards the coop. Absolutely curious the sitter follows him, to find him in the coop with the rooster's neck in one claw pinning him to the wall, just in time to hear the cockatoo tell the rooster "-and you listen hear you mother fucker, then next time you even THINK about using protection I'll come back out here and rip your dick out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zzwxs/cockatoo_sitter_wanted/
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Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zztt6/soap/
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UN sent a survey to children from different country: " Regarding the problem of food shortage in other countries, what's your opinion?" Surprisingly no kids understand the question.

American kids: "what's “other countries”...?"
European kids: "what's “shortage”...?"
Africa kids: "what's “food”...?"
Chinese kids: "what's “my opinion”...?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zzoca/un_sent_a_survey_to_children_from_different/
%
A blonde gets her car damaged in a hail storm

It's a mess. looks basically like a golf ball--dents everywhere.  So she takes it to a body shop, and the technician sees she's blonde and decides to have some fun.  He tells her that the fix is simple, that as soon as the tailpipe is cool, to blow into it and all the dents will just pop right out.
Thrilled to believe the repair will be a simple one, she immediately takes the car home, and starts blowing on the exhaust after it's cooled down.  But it doesn't work.  obviously.
Right about this time, her friend (also blonde) comes over and sees her struggling.  her friend asks "ermergerrrhd what are you doingggg"  the first blonde explains the body shop technician's instructions.  The second blond looks dumbfounded at her and says, "ughhh duhhh you have to roll the windows up first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zzn09/a_blonde_gets_her_car_damaged_in_a_hail_storm/
%
A Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman was sitting in a bar talking about anniversary presents. The Englishman said: "You know, for my wife I bought two birthday presents, a necklace and a scarf, so that if she doesn't like the necklace maybe she'll like the scarf". "Ooh, that's very thoughtful of you" said the Scotsman and the Irishman in unison.
The Irishman then said: "for my wife, I bought a bracelet and a pair of gloves, so that if she doesn't like the bracelet, maybe she'll like the gloves". "How thoughtful" said the Englishman and the Scotsman.
Now it was the Scotsman's turn, he said: "For my wife, I bought a pair of earrings and a dildo, so that if she doesn't like the earrings, she can go fuck herself".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zzm8k/a_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman/
%
What do you call a virgin redneck?

An only child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zzk3s/what_do_you_call_a_virgin_redneck/
%
A man is sitting alone on his wedding night (NSFW)

Guy walks up to him and says,
"shit man why do you look so down? you just got married!"
"Well I would be happy but my wife has gonorrhea."
"Couldn't you just get a blowjob?"
"Well I could but she's got pyria"
"Ok couldn't you just flip her over then?"
"Well I'd do that too but she's got diarrhea"
"Shit man what the hell are you doing with a vile woman like that?"
"well she's got worms too and I love to fish"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zzhxe/a_man_is_sitting_alone_on_his_wedding_night_nsfw/
%
Argument With A Climate Change Denier

The denier goes, “How can global warming be real if it’s 20 degrees here?”
I say to him, “Saying Climate Change isn’t real because it’s cold where you live is like saying smart people don’t exist because you’re a fucking idiot!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zzgxc/argument_with_a_climate_change_denier/
%
What vehicle uses Bethesda's creation engine?

A buggy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zzgl8/what_vehicle_uses_bethesdas_creation_engine/
%
I saw my sister on Tinder.

Can’t believe she’s cheating on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zzgh1/i_saw_my_sister_on_tinder/
%
My wife phoned me in a panic. She said, "How do you get wine out of the carpet?!"

"No idea," I replied. "I usually get mine out of the fridge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zzfk8/my_wife_phoned_me_in_a_panic_she_said_how_do_you/
%
A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zzago/a_mormon_and_an_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
%
Wann know how I know we’re having sex tonight?

Because I’m stronger than you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zz8fr/wann_know_how_i_know_were_having_sex_tonight/
%
The inventor of Velcro died last week.

RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zz79o/the_inventor_of_velcro_died_last_week/
%
Did you hear about the Olympian that got shot with a starting pistol?

Police think it was Race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zz6dh/did_you_hear_about_the_olympian_that_got_shot/
%
Soviet Breadline

At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zz6bl/soviet_breadline/
%
Bob decides to check out this new bar at the top of a high-rise building.

He goes in at about 2 in the afternoon, and the place is dead. It's just him, the bartender, and one guy sitting at the bar.
Bob sits at the bar and orders a drink. While he's waiting, the other patron slams down a shot of tequila, walks over to the balcony and jumps off. He's them magically sucked into the window below. He does this several times.
"How in the hell are you doing that?" Bob finally asks.
"This is amazing tequila," the other man replies. "Want to try?"
Bob declines.
After a few drinks, though, it's obvious that jumping out the window is perfectly safe. The other guy has done it at least a dozen times.
So Bob orders a shot of tequila, slams it down, and jumps off the balcony, splattering on the pavement 30 stories below.
The guy sitting at the bar laughs and the bartender says, "Jesus, Superman. You are mean when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zyzrc/bob_decides_to_check_out_this_new_bar_at_the_top/
%
How can you tell if someone’s a psychiatrist?

Check their feet. If they are wearing dinosaur socks, they are a psychiatrist.
It’s a simple roar sock test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zyxqz/how_can_you_tell_if_someones_a_psychiatrist/
%
A black guy and a white guy

worked together for several months, and the black guy noticed the white guy was always in a good mood, smiling and whistling every morning.  He finally asked him why he was so happy all the time.
“Oh, Its because I make love to my wife every morning.”
“Every single morning?” The black man said.
“Yup, every day.” He said
“How do you get her to make love every day?” He asked
“Oh, every morning I look deep into her eyes, and softly say ‘Blondie, Blondie, Eyes so blue, I sure wanna make love to you’ and it always puts her in the mood” the white guy said.
The Black guy thinks thats a great idea and decides to try it with his wife.
The next day when they got to work, the white guy exclaimed “damn man, what happened to you?”
The black guy was just beat to shit! His eyes were swollen almost shut, his nose was broken, and large scratches were in both his cheeks.  He was also missing a tooth and some of his hair had been pulled out!
“I thought your rhyme for your wife was cute so I tried one on my wife”. He said.
“Oh no,” the white guy said. “what did you say to her?”
“Well, I looked deep into her eyes, and in my sexiest voice, I said ‘ Nappy head, Nappy head, Eyes like a frog, Roll your fat ass over and I’ll do you like a dog’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zywx9/a_black_guy_and_a_white_guy/
%
The mathematician has lost his parrot

Polygon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zyv0y/the_mathematician_has_lost_his_parrot/
%
Proudly say that I am single by choice.

Her choice...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zyuz9/proudly_say_that_i_am_single_by_choice/
%
A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace and was captured by the Nazis on the ground..

He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a bombing mission?"
The Nazis figured there was no harm in it and the leg was dropped in the next raid.
A week later, his other leg succumbed to his injuries and had to be amputated, and again, he asked his captors to drop in over the base on the next raid, and again they obliged.
The next week his arm succumbed to injuries and it was amputated. Again, he asked the German guards to have it dropped over his base on the next raid. The German barked at him "Nein!"
The pilot asked, "Why not? You've done it before!"
"We think you are trying to escape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zytyh/a_british_fighter_pilot_was_shot_down_over_german/
%
What’s it called when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zyog1/whats_it_called_when_batman_skips_church/
%
When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow

Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, “You probably will...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zymqm/when_i_was_a_kid_i_loved_milk_so_much_that_i_said/
%
If the opposite of "pro" is "con"...

...then what is the opposite of "progress"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zyimf/if_the_opposite_of_pro_is_con/
%
The first french fries were not cooked on France.

They were cooked in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zyfhg/the_first_french_fries_were_not_cooked_on_france/
%
A young lady in New Orleans is having her 16th birthday party...

A young lady in New Orleans is having her 16th birthday party when she runs up to her uncle and firmly tells him: "When you gonna take me to Florida or don't you remember your promise?"  Her uncle seem a little confused, and as he gazed down at her quizzically, and a twinkle in his eyes and stated- "I never said I was going to take you to Florida"  The young lass, shocked he didn't remember said- " Yes you did.  You said when I turn 16, you were going to Tampa with me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zyffv/a_young_lady_in_new_orleans_is_having_her_16th/
%
An English teacher reminds her...

An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow:
"Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence--unless of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury, or someone died in your immediate family."
Just after she spoke, a wise ass in the back of the class exclaims: "Well, what if I were to tell you that I didn't show up for the test because I experienced complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The students in the class try to suppress their snickers and muffled laughter.
The teacher looks sympathetically towards the young man, smiles slyly and states: "Well, then...you'll have to write with your other hand".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zycpe/an_english_teacher_reminds_her/
%
If a stoner was giving you orders...

Would you address them as "your highness"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zy9nn/if_a_stoner_was_giving_you_orders/
%
I told a UDP joke, but no one got it.

Oh well, I gave it my best effort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zy3ah/i_told_a_udp_joke_but_no_one_got_it/
%
What did the ghost say to the bee?

Boo-bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zy1nv/what_did_the_ghost_say_to_the_bee/
%
Why did the almost blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zxwhh/why_did_the_almost_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
%
A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth dildo. "This is the Voodoo Dick. I will let you rent it for $1000." The man scoffs at her, "you can't be serious. It doesn't even look like it takes batteries," he starts for the door, "Thanks, but no thanks. Have a good day." As he is heading for the door the owner shouts, "VOODOO DICK, THE DOOR!" Suddenly the dildo flies out of its box and through the air, it hits the lock on the door and starts going at it like a jack hammer. The door is starting to bend from the pounding, and the owner shouts, "VOODOO DICK, YOUR BOX!" The magic dildo stops pounding and flies back into its box. The man is jaw dropped. "Wow!" He says smiling, "I'll take it!" The man is running late for his flight so he stops by his house and hands his wife the box. "When your feeling horny sweetheart just open this box and say, 'VOODOO DICK MY PUSSY!'" She starts to laugh but he assures her it will be great, and jumps into a cab to catch his flight. The next day she starts to feel the need, and although she feels foolish doing it she lays on the bed and opens the box. "VOODOO DICK, MY PUSSY!" BAM! The Voodoo Dick flies into action. It starts pounding away at her and within 2 minutes she already had 5 orgasms, a minute later she's up to 7. She grabs the dildo to pull it out, but it's to strong. It keeps pounding away, another orgasm...she pulls and pulls, but can't get it to stop. She tries calling her husband but he doesn't answer, boom, another orgasm. All she can think to do is go to the hospital to get it out. She makes her way to the car, another orgasm. She driving down the highway, having orgasm after orgasm, swerving all over the road. A trooper sees this car swerving every where and pulls her over. The officer walks up to her door, "Well you've obviously been drinking.." he says. "No officer," she's panting, "you don't under stand. I'm sober, I have a Voodoo Dick stuck in my pussy and I can't get it out." The officer leans back and laughs, "Voodoo Dick my ass!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zxw2e/a_man_is_leaving_for_a_business_trip_and_is/
%
It's ironic...

How most people use the word "ironic" improperly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zxu5g/its_ironic/
%
A woman was getting married to a virgin

, but she wasn’t one herself. She went to her friend and explained the situation, saying that her soon-to-be husband thinks that she is a virgin.  Her friend offered up some advice. “Slip a small rubber band as far up your thigh as possible, right as you start, reach down and give the rubber band a little pop.  When he asks, explain that was your virginity.” The woman likes this advice and decides to use it.  On the wedding day, everything goes on as planned, the two make it into the honeymoon suite and clothes go flying. Just as the lovemaking starts, the women slipps her hand close to her thigh and pops the rubberband with a loud snap. The husband immediately stops and asks “what was that?” She innocently says “my virginity popping.” He quickly fires back “pop it again, cause it’s got one of my balls”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zxobs/a_woman_was_getting_married_to_a_virgin/
%
[NSFW] At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want to try doggy tonight."

Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees.
So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart"
The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "what? What about doggy?"
The husband replies, "honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zxlcs/nsfw_at_breakfast_a_husband_says_to_his_wife_i/
%
A police officer pulled over a roughneck (an oilfield worker) over for speeding. Here's what happened...

**Officer:** May I see your driver's license?
&nbsp;
**Roughneck:** I don't have one - I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
&nbsp;
**Officer:** May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
&nbsp;
**Roughneck:** It's not my bike. I stole it.
&nbsp;
**Officer:** The motorcycle is stolen?
&nbsp;
**Roughneck:** That's right. But come to think of it, I believe I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
&nbsp;
**Officer:** There's a gun in the tool bag??
&nbsp;
**Roughneck:** Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike. I also stuffed his dope in the saddle bag.
&nbsp;
**Officer:** *There's drugs in the saddle bag too?!?!*
&nbsp;
**Roughneck:** Yes sir.
&nbsp;
**[Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The roughneck was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the roughneck to handle the tense situation]**
&nbsp;
**Captain:** Sir, can I see your license?
&nbsp;
**Roughneck:** Sure! Here it is.
&nbsp;
**Captain:** Who's motorcycle is this?
&nbsp;
**Roughneck:** It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
&nbsp;
**Captain:** Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
&nbsp;
**Roughneck:** Sure sir. But there's no gun in it.
&nbsp;
**[The captain searched his tool bag and, sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag]**
&nbsp;
**Captain:** Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
&nbsp;
**Roughneck:** No problem sir.
&nbsp;
**[The captain searched the saddle bags - *no drugs*]**
&nbsp;
**Captain:** I don't understand it! The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags!
&nbsp;
**Roughneck:** Yeah! I'll bet he told you I was speeding too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zxjlg/a_police_officer_pulled_over_a_roughneck_an/
%
A survey has found

that majority of women assign a certain ringtone for their partner.
Men do that too. It's called silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zxi5h/a_survey_has_found/
%
A man receives a call from the hospital letting him know his wife was in an accident.

Upon arriving at the hospital the doctor informs him that his wife is in a coma and they cannot be sure when she will wake up.
Distraught, the husband asks, "Is there nothing we can do?"
The doctor replies, "Well, we have had some success with oral sex bringing people out of comas in the past. The stimulation and arousal is sometimes great enough that patients will wake up."
The husband is a little unsure but after the doctor informs him that they will ensure his and his wife's privacy he decides it is worth a try. He goes into his wife's room and pulls the curtain around her bed. The doctor, monitoring the wife's vitals from outside notices an uptick in heart rate for a few seconds but then all of a sudden she flat lines. Shocked, he reaches to pull the curtain open right as the husband steps out.
The husband zips up his pants and says to the doctor, "I think she choked on it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zxhy6/a_man_receives_a_call_from_the_hospital_letting/
%
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo...

So I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zxfc8/my_boyfriend_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a/
%
So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zxes0/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
%
Trumps wives were immigrants

Proving again that they'll do jobs Americans won't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zxb4y/trumps_wives_were_immigrants/
%
My Parents are Divorcing and Went to Court

The judge asks me who I would want to live with. "I don't want to live with my dad because he beats me, but I don't want to live with my mom because she beats me too," I say. "Then who would you rather live with," the judge asks. "The Phoenix Suns, they never beat anybody".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zxaw5/my_parents_are_divorcing_and_went_to_court/
%
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zx9fb/a_teacher_was_working_with_a_group_of_children/
%
A man walked into a bar with a sandwich taped to his head

The bartender said, "Why the hell do you have a sandwich taped to your head?"
The man said, "My family always wears a sandwich hat on Wednesdays."
The bartender said, "It's Tuesday."
The man hung his head in shame and said, "Gosh, I must look pretty silly right now, then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zx4uf/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_with_a_sandwich_taped_to/
%
My mom just called me a motherfucker . . .

If she had called me a son of a bitch, that would've been more accurate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zx1fv/my_mom_just_called_me_a_motherfucker/
%
A dyslexic couple have their minds read and go home afraid for their lives!

What do they expect after visiting a psychotic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zx05s/a_dyslexic_couple_have_their_minds_read_and_go/
%
Joke my physics teacher told us

A farmer has a bunch of chickens who aren't laying eggs. Puzzled, he enlists the help of a physicist to try and work out the problem. The physicist went away and did his calculations, then came back a week later.
'I have a solution to your problem, but...' the physicist said.
'But what?' Said the farmer.
'It only works for circular chickens in a vacuum.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwzao/joke_my_physics_teacher_told_us/
%
I used to think that I was really good at playing dumb,

now I'm not sure I was ever playing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwymv/i_used_to_think_that_i_was_really_good_at_playing/
%
When I get home I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off

The elastic's killing me 😫

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwxj0/when_i_get_home_im_gonna_rip_the_wifes_knickers/
%
Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates and Elon Musk are golfing together

Out of nowhere, Bill puts one finger in his ear and points another at his mouth and starts talking. When he’s done, he explains that he has a microchip in both fingers to act as a phone. Not long after that, Elon starts talking but to seemingly no one. When he’s finished he explains that his microchips are in his ear and his tooth, so no need to point fingers. While each of the men are impressed with each other’s technological advances, in the middle of the conversation between the men, Jeff walks away a little, pulls his pants down and starts taking a shit. Bill and Elon, confused as fuck, look at each other and then Jeff. He responds by saying “Sorry, I’m getting a fax.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwxh5/jeff_bezos_bill_gates_and_elon_musk_are_golfing/
%
A blacksmith is training his apprentice...

He asks the lad: "Have you ever shoed a horse before?"
The lad replies: "No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwwvx/a_blacksmith_is_training_his_apprentice/
%
What’s the absolute value of zero?

lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwvjx/whats_the_absolute_value_of_zero/
%
So, you're the leader of a country who wants access to the Eastern Mediterranean, Balkans and Middle East, but you're not able to get it?

Oh, Crimea river.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwu4v/so_youre_the_leader_of_a_country_who_wants_access/
%
Probably one for British people

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon and about to do the deed. The wife stops the husband unexpectedly.
"Darling," she says. "I am afraid I have a dark secret to tell you, and I haven't been entirely honest with you."
"Sweetheart, no matter what you have done in the past I will forgive you."
"Well," she starts. "I used to be a hooker."
"My dearest," he replies. "That is no problem for me. To be honest I'm a little turned on. Tell me more."
"Ok then, my name was Brian and I played for Wigan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwtxw/probably_one_for_british_people/
%
What do you call a redneck orgy?

A family reunion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwtit/what_do_you_call_a_redneck_orgy/
%
A Redneck is on his honeymoon....

As they step into the bedroom, she disrobes.
He says, "First, woman, make me a drink".
She slips off her panties and says, "Only if you put these on".
He begrudgingly obliges and puts his feet through the holes of her lacy thong.
At his thighs, the thong won't stretch any more.
He tells his new wife, "WOMAN, I CAN'T GET IN YOUR PANTIES!"
She says, "And you wont, until you change that fucking attitude"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwsmi/a_redneck_is_on_his_honeymoon/
%
What’s the proper term for fool’s gold?

Reddit gold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwrom/whats_the_proper_term_for_fools_gold/
%
I want a job cleaning mirrors.

It's something I can really see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwqwu/i_want_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
%
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

The doctor said "When you feel you are ready to ejaculate try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion he ran home to his wife. At home he foung his wife in bed naked and waiting. As the two began they found themselves in the 69 postion. The man moments later felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired off the starter pistol. The next day the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?" The man answered "Not that well. When i fired the pistol my wife shit in my face, bit my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwp7q/a_man_was_having_problems_with_premature/
%
How do mountains see?

They peak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwny8/how_do_mountains_see/
%
What did the seal with a cast say to the shark?

Do not consume if seal is broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwnlc/what_did_the_seal_with_a_cast_say_to_the_shark/
%
What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips (two lips) on your organ!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwlvo/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
Three friends: two straight guys, and a gay guy - and their respective partners are on a cruise.

A tidal wave then came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned.
Next thing you know, they’re standing before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
First up came one of the straight guys and his wife.
St Peter shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, I cannot let you in. You were too greedy. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”
Up next was the second straight guy and his wife. “I’m sorry, for I cannot let you in either. You were also gluttonous. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”
At this, the gay guy gulped and turned to his boyfriend, whispering nervously, “This doesn’t look good, Dick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwkqa/three_friends_two_straight_guys_and_a_gay_guy_and/
%
There was a spy that was into Bondage.

James, Bondage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwhi5/there_was_a_spy_that_was_into_bondage/
%
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can...

Three years later there’s a knock on the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwgm6/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_at/
%
Shooting video games don’t make people violent

The lag does

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zwggx/shooting_video_games_dont_make_people_violent/
%
What do you call the sweat between 2 people having sex in Alabama?

Relative Humidity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zw85a/what_do_you_call_the_sweat_between_2_people/
%
A weasel walks into a bar

The bartender asks "What can I get you".
"Pop" goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zw7f5/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I was at a bar the other day, when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled, "DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR!?" I shouted back, "HECK, I KNOW THE ENTIRE ALPHABET!" and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed...

Well, everyone except this one guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zvyll/i_was_at_a_bar_the_other_day_when_all_of_a_sudden/
%
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine

. Since he bought it when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
There after he quickly realized that he couldn't seperate himself from the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find a way out. He tried every button on the instrument, but still nothing seem to work.
Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry", replied the customer service "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zvv0n/a_farmer_ordered_a_hightech_milking_machine/
%
One day a hippie gets a ride on the public bus and sees a hot young nun.

He sits down next to her and
promptly asks if she would like to
have Sex, to which she immediately
says NO and walks off the bus.
The Bus Driver leans over and says
"Hey guy I know how to get that nun
to have Sex with you..."
Naturally the Hippie asks, and the
Bus Driver tells him that every night
at midnight the Nun goes to an old
Graveyard to pray for God to forgive
her for her past, and that he should
dress up like God and tell the Nun she
will be forgiven if she has Sex with
you.
The Hippie gives his thanks and runs
to the nearest Costume Shop.
Later that evening the Hippie gets
ready for his big night and drives
down to the Graveyard and sees the
Nun praying, on her knees.
He says"Behold, I have heard your
prayers and you shall be forgiven if
you have Sex with me!"
The Nun agrees but asks if they can
have Anal Sex in order to keep her
Virginity. The Hippie agrees and once
they are finished the Hippie jumps
back and pulls off his mask and says
"Surprise, its me the Hippie!"The Nun jumps up and pulls off  her mask and says "Surprise, it's me the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zvpus/one_day_a_hippie_gets_a_ride_on_the_public_bus/
%
I have 6 eyes, 4 ears, 2 mouths what am I

Ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zvpqx/i_have_6_eyes_4_ears_2_mouths_what_am_i/
%
I'm OK at guitar

but I can't pick up the piano.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zvpef/im_ok_at_guitar/
%
Little Johnny wakes up one night.........

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing strange noises from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door to his parents room and see his mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. His dad turns to around gave a look, laughs and gives mom a slap on the ass for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, otherwise the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's comes to your mom, huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zvd70/little_johnny_wakes_up_one_night/
%
I just woke up this morning

It was an eye opening experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zvcrn/i_just_woke_up_this_morning/
%
“You da bomb!”

“No, you da bomb!”
In America – a compliment.
In the Middle East – an argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zvbl0/you_da_bomb/
%
A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her daddy's house, where he dumps her in the yard.
Then the man drives to *his* daddy's house and goes inside. The dad sees his son, and says "What the hell you doin' here, boy? Ain't you supposed to be with your new bride?"
"Well, pa," the son says, "I was, but she told me she's still a virgin"
"Well holy dog-shit", says the dad, "What'd you do then?
"I punched her in the face and knocked her out, wrapped her up in the sheets, drug her down the stairs and out the door, threw her in the back of my pick up, and then drove on to her daddy's house and dumped her on the lawn"
The dad starts laughing, and, patting his son on the back, he says "Good job, son. If she ain't good enough for her family, I say she ain't good enough for ours neither"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zvb7m/a_redneck_is_on_his_honeymoon_about_to_make_love/
%
Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zv79k/why_did_the_restaurant_staff_deem_the_waiters/
%
Two men were talking about their wives

The first guy says “My wife is an angel!”
The other says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zv0aa/two_men_were_talking_about_their_wives/
%
What do you call a bee that comes from America?

a USB!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zuwd4/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_comes_from_america/
%
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?

Because it's the scenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zuvxr/why_is_the_nose_in_the_middle_of_the_face/
%
Frank and his friend are walking down the street...

When Frank looks at his friend, and with a big whiff of air he asks:
>Did you crap your pants today?
The friend looks over and responds:
>No, I didn't crap my pants today
They continue to walk down the road, until Frank stops again and says:
>Ok, are you *sure* you didn't crap your pants today?
His friend responds:
>Yes, I am *sure* I didn't crap my pants today!
They walk a little further and the frank decides he has finally had enough, he tells his friend to duck into the alley and drop his pants, to prove that he isn't lying. So the friend goes into the alley, drops his pants, and sure enough, there's a big turd sitting there.
Frank is confused, so he asks his friend:
>I thought you said you didn't crap your pants today!
His friend looks at him and responds:
>I said not *today*!
-
^^^(I ^^know, ^^this ^^joke ^^is ^^really ^^old.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zuvco/frank_and_his_friend_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
What kind of car would Aladdin drive?

A lamborGENIE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zus2a/what_kind_of_car_would_aladdin_drive/
%
What's a lesbians favorite language?

Gaelic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zus1a/whats_a_lesbians_favorite_language/
%
Did you know men aren’t supposed to masturbate in the Bible?

It makes the pages stick together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zurjj/did_you_know_men_arent_supposed_to_masturbate_in/
%
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?

Boobies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zumzj/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk_instead_of_honey/
%
When your girlfriend starts smoking..

Use a lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zumnd/when_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
%
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

For hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zua3f/why_does_donald_trump_take_xanax/
%
Did you hear about the boner contest?

Stiff competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zu7mz/did_you_hear_about_the_boner_contest/
%
The Whistler

A Professor started his class on a very serious Topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the Whistler's name. No one answered.
The Professor peacefully kept the Pen in his pocket saying: "Lecture ends here. I'll tell you a story to utilise the remaining time".
Everyone became interested.
"Yesterday night I tried hard to sleep, but it was miles away from my eyes, so I thought I'd better get petrol in my car, which will save my time next morning and might induce sleep. After having my tank full, I started roaming in that area, enjoying the peace of a traffic free ride.
Suddenly, on the corner I saw a girl who was as young and beautiful as the clothes she was wearing. Must have been returning from a party. Out of courtesy, I turned my car towards her and asked if I may be of any help. She asked me if I could drop her to her home, she'll be very obliged, to which I agreed.
She sat in the front seat with me. We started talking, and to my amazement she was very intelligent, had control on many topics which many youngsters don't.
When we reached her address, she admitted my courteous nature and behavior and accepted that she had fallen in love with me.
I also admitted her intelligence and beauty and that I've also started liking her. I told her about my job as a professor in the university.
The girl asked my number, which I gave her willingly. Then she asked me a favor, to which i couldn't have denied naturally.
She said that her brother is a student in the same university, and asked me to take care of him, since we'll be in a long relationship now.
I asked the name of the student. She said that I'll recognise him with one of his very prominent quality, *He whistles a lot!*
All eyes in the classroom turned towards the boy who had whistled.
The professor said:  *"I didn't get my Ph.D in Psychology just by sitting on my ass!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zu6kw/the_whistler/
%
[nsfw] i was driving along a country road in new Zealand and saw a farmer f***ing a sheep

I called out to him "mate, shouldn't you be shearing it?"
He said "shearing it? I ain't shearing it with nobody"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zu1j3/nsfw_i_was_driving_along_a_country_road_in_new/
%
What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich?

Provalone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zu10f/what_do_you_put_on_a_lonely_grilled_cheese/
%
Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, and Donald Trump go out to a bar. Who picks up the tab?

Vladimir Putin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ztzhp/paul_manafort_rick_gates_and_donald_trump_go_out/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ztyx1/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
Why do Broward County Police Officers never go into bars?

They heard shots were inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ztuy4/why_do_broward_county_police_officers_never_go/
%
An African delegation goes to Russia

on a diplomatic visit. The delegates are taken around Moscow until they arrive at a nightclub where they see some people holding a gun against their temple.
Then they ask: - What is this?
The Russians reply: - This is our national sport: Russian roulette! You take one gun, you load it with only one bullet, you spin, place the muzzle against your head, and pull the trigger.
The African delegates remain fascinated by the cruelty of the game and, once the visit is over, they return back home.
Sometime later, the Russian delegation goes to Africa.  They are taken around to a village where they are received by the local chief, and eventually led into a hut.
The chief says: - In this hut we play our national sport: The African roulette.
The Russian delegates enter and remain amazed: the hut is full of beautiful naked black women.
The enthusiastic Russians ask: - Nice, but how do you play?
And the chief replies: - These women will give you a blowjob, but only one is a cannibal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ztnbc/an_african_delegation_goes_to_russia/
%
Girl, are you a Collateralized Debt Obligation?

Because a lot of rich people are trading you around and a few insiders have told me you're completely toxic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ztktm/girl_are_you_a_collateralized_debt_obligation/
%
Father: wow son you're really dressed up! What's that around your neck?

Son: it's a Tide Ad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ztcsb/father_wow_son_youre_really_dressed_up_whats_that/
%
If you’re Russian when you’re going to the bathroom, Finnish when you get out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

European.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ztau5/if_youre_russian_when_youre_going_to_the_bathroom/
%
An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?

A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zt8qe/an_rclassicialmusic_mod_removed_this_one_when_i/
%
Made a joke about a wall.

It divided the room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zt3oz/made_a_joke_about_a_wall/
%
This guy at a party tried pressuring me into getting a tattoo...

..but I reminded him I have the right to bare arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zsy07/this_guy_at_a_party_tried_pressuring_me_into/
%
A guy walks into a bike store with his overweight wife

He tells the clerk, “I’d like a bicycle built for two, and one for me. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zsv5s/a_guy_walks_into_a_bike_store_with_his_overweight/
%
I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a prostitute.

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks.
So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says 'What the hell are you doing?'
I said 'Having sex with my wife.' He said 'I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife.'
and I said, 'Neither did I till you shined a light on her.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zstjg/i_was_sitting_at_a_bar_and_asked_the_bartender/
%
A man died today.

Authorities found $27 billion dollars at his home in Nigeria... Apparently he had been trying to give it away for 15 years, but no one would respond to his emails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zsre4/a_man_died_today/
%
Your momma's so fat....

She got put on whalefare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zsqmf/your_mommas_so_fat/
%
My mother in law has gone a bit off the rails.

Hopefully the train still gets her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zsq6f/my_mother_in_law_has_gone_a_bit_off_the_rails/
%
My father always told me “son if you want to succeed in life never take no for an answer”

Terrible father, great rapist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zsnd0/my_father_always_told_me_son_if_you_want_to/
%
A mathematician and his wife in labor go into the hospital...

The wife dies while giving birth and the doctor says, "I'm so sorry, there was nothing we could have done. But now how are you going to feed your baby?" To which the mathematician replies, "don't worry, I've got the perfect formula."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zsm6v/a_mathematician_and_his_wife_in_labor_go_into_the/
%
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken rolls over, pulls out a cigarette and starts smoking. Pissed off, the egg moves to the side and says, "Well, I guess we answered **that** question!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zslyj/a_chicken_and_an_egg_are_lying_in_bed/
%
We have everything!

Two schoolboys are talking to each other. One of them says that after school ends, he'll have to go shopping with his parents, because they need to buy some things.
The other boy says: "And I don't, because now we have everything we need".
The first one asks him: "How do you know"?
He answers: "Because yesterday Dad came home in a Corvette convertible, and Mom said *"Goddamnit, Chris, that's the last thing we needed!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zskq0/we_have_everything/
%
The difference between lustful men and women.

A woman asks a man, "Why is it that if a man sleeps around, he's considered a player and gets respect, but if a women sleeps around, she's a whore?"
The man replies, "A lock that can be opened by any key is a very bad lock, but a key that can open any lock is considered a master key".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zsk3s/the_difference_between_lustful_men_and_women/
%
what's the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus...

one has a moustache and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zsk12/whats_the_difference_between_your_girlfriend_and/
%
Three guys, a French, a Brit and a New Yorker, are stranded on an island, when...

...they are captured by a tribe of killers.
The chief of the tribe tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The French says, "Donnez-moi le poison." So they give him the poison. He shouts, "Vive la France!" He then drinks it drops to the ground, dead.
The brit asks to be killed with a pistol. They bring out his gun and put it on his head. "God save the Queen!" he yells before getting his brains blown out.
The New Yorker asks for a strange request: "Gimme a fork." The chieftain, confused, hands it to him. Suddenly, the New Yorker starts stabbing himself repeatedly.
The chieftain screams, "What are you doing?"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, assholes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zsjb0/three_guys_a_french_a_brit_and_a_new_yorker_are/
%
My ex-wife still misses me.

But her aim is steadily improving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zshqd/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
%
The high-speed Prius.

There is a broken Toyota Prius on the side of an American highway.
Suddenly, a Bugatti driver pulls up next to the Prius and offers to tow the hybrid to the nearest repair shop. The Toyota owner agrees. They also agree on that the Prius driver will flash his high beams when he'll want to slow down.
So they start going like this. However, the Bugatti soon gets overtaken by a Ferrari, and the squabble between them quickly turns into a street race. As the speeds climb up high, the Prius driver starts flashing his high beams.
A police helicopter patrolling the highway spots them. The pilot, very surprised, tells the dispatcher: "We've got a bit of a strange situation on I-62. Some guy in a Bugatti is racing a Ferrari at like 210-220 MPH..."
The dispatcher says: "OK, street racing. Just tell them over the PA to pull over."
The pilot then says: "Look, that's not the whole story. You see, there's a Prius right behind the Bugatti, *and he's signalling that he wants to pass...*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zsgri/the_highspeed_prius/
%
Who built King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zsce7/who_built_king_arthurs_round_table/
%
What's the difference between a blowjob and anal sex?

One makes yoir day? The other makes your hole weak...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zs8k9/whats_the_difference_between_a_blowjob_and_anal/
%
Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."
Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.
Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zs6bt/kim_jong_un_and_vladimir_putin_were_having_a/
%
It’s all fun in games until someone calls the cops.

Then it’s hide and seek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zs0r2/its_all_fun_in_games_until_someone_calls_the_cops/
%
Two men are walking down the street when they notice an enormous hole

The hole appears bottomless and the men, being men, want to see how deep it is. They find an anvil near by, grab a side each, shuffle over to the hole and chuck it in. The anvil drops like a stone but makes absolutely no noise. The men look at each other with a puzzled expression. Suddenly they hear this rapid “clip clop clip clop clip clop” in the distance getting louder and louder until out of nowhere a goat leaps through a nearby hedge, rises up above the head of the men like a salmon and dives into the hole.
A farmer appears from the other side of the hedge calling “Betsy! Betsy!”. He asks the two men “Have you two by chance seen a goat around here?”
One of the men replies still in absolute astonishment “Yes! a goat just came steaming through here, leaped into the air like a salmon and took a swan dive down this massive hole”
The farmer without any hesitation replies “Cannae be mine, my goat was tied to an anvil”
(Jay Leno) - not verbatim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zrxok/two_men_are_walking_down_the_street_when_they/
%
What's the best thing about a roll of duct tape?

It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zrx26/whats_the_best_thing_about_a_roll_of_duct_tape/
%
A man dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, he sees two lines.

The first line has a sign that says "Henpecked Husbands." The line is full of an endless queue of men that stretches far out of site.
The sign above the second line says, "Non-Henpecked Husbands." This line is empty, aside from a single scrawny man who was just entering it.
The recently deceased man approaches the single occupant of the second line and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me," he says, "but can I ask why you're the only man in this line?"
The man in the line frowns defensively and says, "My wife told me to stand here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zrvpm/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_at_the_pearly_gates/
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I got pulled over for speeding in a Chevette.

The cop didn't want to give me a ticket; he just wanted to know how I did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zrq04/i_got_pulled_over_for_speeding_in_a_chevette/
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My secret admirer who sent me love letters every Valentine's day didn't send me anything this time

First my grandmother dies, now this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zrnhn/my_secret_admirer_who_sent_me_love_letters_every/
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Judge: Why did you steal the car?

Man: I had to get to work.
Judge: Why didn’t you take the bus?
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zrl18/judge_why_did_you_steal_the_car/
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I'm going to name my kids after what their mother was craving while pregnant...

Peanuts and Pickles are great.  Tequila is kind of an idiot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zrjoo/im_going_to_name_my_kids_after_what_their_mother/
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A whale and his son are swimming through the ocean...

The son whale turns to his father and asks "where did I come from?" The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zri2e/a_whale_and_his_son_are_swimming_through_the_ocean/
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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned his client......

He said, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.” The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.”
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zr8re/a_new_york_attorney_representing_a_wealthy_art/
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Anal sex is a lot like Brussels sprouts

If you’re forced to have it as a child you won’t enjoy it as an adult.
-Daniel Tosh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zr6lq/anal_sex_is_a_lot_like_brussels_sprouts/
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Gender neutral guide: Fireman = Firefighter

Policeman = Policefighter
Mailman = Mailfighter
Fisherman = Fisherfighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zr573/gender_neutral_guide_fireman_firefighter/
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An apple will wake you up quicker than a strong cup of coffee

If it's thrown hard enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zqw8e/an_apple_will_wake_you_up_quicker_than_a_strong/
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A gay man asked his partner to put his ashes in some spicy chili and eat it after he dies

His partner asked “Why in the hell would I do that?”
“So I can tear that ass up one last time”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zqukt/a_gay_man_asked_his_partner_to_put_his_ashes_in/
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Apparently, Nintendo opened a hospital recently.

Oh, hey, I can hear their ambulance driving by now!
Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zqu3p/apparently_nintendo_opened_a_hospital_recently/
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Do you think a Stegosaurus can accurately guess what era it belongs to?

You bet jurassic-an.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zqtr5/do_you_think_a_stegosaurus_can_accurately_guess/
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Donald Trump is leaving the White surrounded by his secret service agents when an assassin with a gun approaches.

A young agent sees the approaching assassin and shouts "Mickey Mouse". Startled by this comment the would be assassin hesitates and is pounced on by the other agents.
Later that day during the debrief the Head of the Secret Service asks the young agent just what in the hell he was playing at shouting Mickey Mouse.
"Sorry Sir" he replies "it was my first time in action and I panicked. I was meant to shout "Donald duck".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zqq0t/donald_trump_is_leaving_the_white_surrounded_by/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zqnb9/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9.
Why did 7 eat 9?
You're suppose to have 3 squared meals a day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zqkt4/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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In truth, the earth used to be flat...

Until they buried yo' mama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zqick/in_truth_the_earth_used_to_be_flat/
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Three Chinese friends, Chu, Bu and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United States

In order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu decided to travel back to China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zqg10/three_chinese_friends_chu_bu_and_fu_decided_to/
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I asked a pregnant woman if I could feel the baby

She said that I could, but once I started rolling my sleeve up past my elbow she ran away. Rude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zqekt/i_asked_a_pregnant_woman_if_i_could_feel_the_baby/
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Keep praying young man.

A young man goes into a pharmacy and tells the pharmacist, “Could you give me a condom? I’m going to my girlfriend’s house for dinner and I might get lucky!” The pharmacist gives him the condom, but as the young man is going out, he returns and says: “Give me another condom. My girlfriend’s sister is very cute ad she always crosses her legs provocatively when she sees me. I might get lucky with her, too.”
As the boy leaves again he turns back and says: “I need one more condom. My girlfriend’s mom is still pretty cute and she always makes eye contact. I think she is expecting me to make a move!” During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, “Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you gave us.” A minute later the boy is still praying; “Thank you, Lord, for your kindness.” Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying while still keeping his head down.
Finally, his girlfriend gets closer to the boy and whispers in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious.” To which the boy replies, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zqd53/keep_praying_young_man/
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A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zqcf2/a_mormon_and_an_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
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I saw a duck check into rehab

for quack addiction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zqag6/i_saw_a_duck_check_into_rehab/
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An old woman in Texas is celebrating her one hundredth birthday.

The local news comes to her birthday party to congratulate her on achieving such an advanced age. They find her in good health and good spirits on her special day. They ask her what her secret to longevity is. She answers immediately and confidently that her method is to eat a tablespoon of gunpowder with breakfast every morning. Her family confirms that this has been her religiously observed habit for decades.
Well a few years later her time comes and she passes away. According to her will she wished to be cremated. She left her house to her church, her money to her family, and a hundred foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zq6kl/an_old_woman_in_texas_is_celebrating_her_one/
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The teacher and little Johnny

As part of a class language test a teacher asked her primary school class to use the word fascinate in a sentence.
Sarah put her hand up and said "over the weekend we visited my grandfather on his farm, I was fascinated by all the animals he had"
The teacher replied "That was very good Sarah unfortunately i said 'fascinate' not 'fascinated' but I like the effort".
Michelle put her hand up and said "i went to a airport viewing area with my dad, and it was so fascinating seeing all the planes land and take off"
The teacher, still not pleased, replied "another good effort Michelle but I asked for fascinate not fascinating"
Then little Johnny stretched his hand up as high as he could but yet the teacher still asked for another students to attempt it. With no other students willing to try she said "go ahead little Johnny"
In which little Johnny said "my aunt Jessica came round to our house for the week end and she has ten buttons on her top but because she so fat she can only fasten eight"
This is not my joke it was told to me by my step dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zq5x7/the_teacher_and_little_johnny/
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I brought a porn DVD today.

But all I could see was some fat man holding his dick.
Then I realised I hadn’t turned the TV on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zq3by/i_brought_a_porn_dvd_today/
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If We're Going to Arm the Teachers

All I ask is that the librarians get silencers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zq2n4/if_were_going_to_arm_the_teachers/
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Don't make fun of fat people with lisps...

They are thick and tired of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zpd0s/dont_make_fun_of_fat_people_with_lisps/
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What do you call a cross between a penis and a potato?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zpcyu/what_do_you_call_a_cross_between_a_penis_and_a/
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When people ask me if my knock-off abacus works, I tell them...

“Don’t count on it”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zpak8/when_people_ask_me_if_my_knockoff_abacus_works_i/
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A white man and a black man are using the showers at a local gym...

The white guy says to the black guy “hey I wish my dick looked like that. What’s your secret?” The black guy decides he’s gonna take this opportunity to mess with him and says “all you gotta do is tie a rock to it and hang it off the side of your bed at night”. The white guy thanks him and goes home excited to try this new trick.
The next day at the gym, the black guy sees the white guy in the shower again and asks him “Well, did it work?” The white guy says “Yeah! Look how black it is!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zp9jl/a_white_man_and_a_black_man_are_using_the_showers/
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I asked a police man if I could pee on his wrist.

He said “Not on my watch”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zp8um/i_asked_a_police_man_if_i_could_pee_on_his_wrist/
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As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors.

He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works.
He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.
His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive.
Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.
He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.
All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.
Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.
With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.
He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"
"No problem", said Joe...
"I'm an ex-tractor fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zp6jy/as_a_young_boy_joe_was_completely_obsessed_with/
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Give a man a cheeseburger, and he’ll eat for a day. But, teach a man to cheeseburger...

...I’m high as hell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zp58x/give_a_man_a_cheeseburger_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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A Jew ish man and a Chinese man are sitting next to each other at a bar

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are sitting next to each other at a bar, and it's very apparent that they hate hate each other.
They exchange hateful glances for a couple drinks until finally the Jewish man speaks
Jewish man: "you know what? I don't like the Chinese!"
Chinese man: "well why not?"
Jewish man: "because they bombed Pearl Harbor!"
Chinese man: "that wasn't the Chinese! That was the Japanese!"
Jewish man: "oh Japanese, Chinese, taiwanese, they're all the same to me!"
Chinese man: "well I don't like Jews!"
Jewish man: "why do you hate the Jews?"
Chinese man: "they sank the titanic!"
Jewish man: "that wasn't the Jews, that was an iceberg!"
Chinese man: "iceberg, Rosenberg, Goldberg, they're all the same to me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zp4m4/a_jew_ish_man_and_a_chinese_man_are_sitting_next/
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What did the banana say to the vibrator??

What are you shaking for?!?! This bitch is gonna EAT ME!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zozzn/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
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Can somebody help me translate 'orbis terrarum ad mihi' from Latin?

It would mean the world to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zou48/can_somebody_help_me_translate_orbis_terrarum_ad/
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How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer on a fishing trip?

Invite two of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zotqa/how_do_you_keep_a_baptist_from_drinking_all_your/
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What is the procedure called when a plant has it's prefrontal cortex removed?

A lobotany

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zothc/what_is_the_procedure_called_when_a_plant_has_its/
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Boss calls an employee who didnt show..

Employee picks up the phone and the boss said "Get your ass to work!". Employee said "I cant boss I got anal glaucoma" boss replied with "What the hell is that". Guy said "Dont see my ass coming into work today".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zormw/boss_calls_an_employee_who_didnt_show/
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Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zoo7v/patient_oh_doctor_im_just_so_nervous_this_is_my/
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Old washing machine

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, “Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine.”
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes round and the husband starts getting amorous.
Wife says, “I’m not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You’ll have to do it by hand!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zondh/old_washing_machine/
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Why did the man have an orgasm before the prostitute?

Because the customer always cums first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zomfg/why_did_the_man_have_an_orgasm_before_the/
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My mother in law has a massive case of diarrhea

She won’t find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zom9h/my_mother_in_law_has_a_massive_case_of_diarrhea/
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Im Ok With Arming Teachers,

As long as the librarians get silencers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zoly0/im_ok_with_arming_teachers/
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Last Christmas i got a bottle of scotch for my wife.

That was a fair trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zolq4/last_christmas_i_got_a_bottle_of_scotch_for_my/
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What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 5 years, your job will still suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zolbh/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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I have a boat big enough for 11 people, or

My wife and her two friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zojom/i_have_a_boat_big_enough_for_11_people_or/
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A hermit in the middle east has not heard about any current events.

I guess you could say he lives under Iraq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zoioa/a_hermit_in_the_middle_east_has_not_heard_about/
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I've got my own private jet...

...but the rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zoetz/ive_got_my_own_private_jet/
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There was freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in USA

You can stand in front of the White House and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zodvh/there_was_freedom_of_speech_in_the_soviet_union/
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A man died and gets shown around in heaven by St. Peter

„So, over here we have the Muslims. Very nice people, celebrating that they‘re allowed to drink up here.“
„Next we have the Jews. Also really friendly, having discussion groups with God himself from time to time.“
„There are the Buddhists, really relaxed people, just enjoying themselves.“
The tour goes on for quite a while like this.
Finally they arrive at a locked door.
„You must be really quiet around here“, St. Peter whispers.
„Why, who‘s in there?“, the man asks.
„The Catholics, they think they are alone up here.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zoca5/a_man_died_and_gets_shown_around_in_heaven_by_st/
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Valerie

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied,
"I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam.
He replied,
"No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000
a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to
Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but
he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row."
"Where are you from?"
The man replied,
" New Brunswick ."
"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ."
"I know." the man said.
"Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zoad9/valerie/
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Why shouldn't you buy a shirt from Hulk Hogan?

Cause it's probably a rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zoa5r/why_shouldnt_you_buy_a_shirt_from_hulk_hogan/
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"When was the last time you had a cock between your legs?" I asked my date.

"About a year," she replied. "I'm so pleased I got the surgery, though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zoa3c/when_was_the_last_time_you_had_a_cock_between/
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Don't spell part backwards.

It's a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zo6o4/dont_spell_part_backwards/
%
What do Marco Rubio and an AR-15 have in common?

They're both really easy to buy in Florida.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zo64e/what_do_marco_rubio_and_an_ar15_have_in_common/
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Some German kids handed me a bunch of coins I'd never seen before.

Thanks for the strange gold, kinder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zo4cr/some_german_kids_handed_me_a_bunch_of_coins_id/
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What do you call a group of virgins waiting in line at the job centre?

An untapped resource

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zo3jq/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_virgins_waiting_in/
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A lot of people think that firefighters are overpaid, but recently a pole was taken...

...and they all fell through a hole in the floor.
-Milton Jones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zo3a2/a_lot_of_people_think_that_firefighters_are/
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Yodas Logic

Anakin: Are we going the right way?
Yoda: Offcourse we are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7znuaf/yodas_logic/
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A guy with a gun enters a bar.

*"Who the fuck had sex with my wife?"* He snarled.
A voice was heard in the background, *"You don't have enough bullets mate!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7znu29/a_guy_with_a_gun_enters_a_bar/
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My Dad said always fight fire with fire

Which is probably why they kicked him out of the fire brigade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7znqbj/my_dad_said_always_fight_fire_with_fire/
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Why is it so easy to write a eulogy?

You only need the introduction and the conclusion.
The body is already there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7znq5f/why_is_it_so_easy_to_write_a_eulogy/
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A villager had a small penis and hated it...

One day, he decided he's had enough of his pitiful manhood and goes to see the village elder.
The elder referred him to a shaman living in the center of a village, so he went to see the shaman. When he got there, he told the shaman about his small penis.
The shaman nodded his head, and pulled out a box. In the box was a small bottle with a green liquid inside. "Will that increase my penis size?" the villager asked.
"All you must do is take drop of medicine before sex, and say 1, 2, 3. Then your penis triple in size, and you can have sex as long as you like."
The villager is awed, and is about to pay the shaman when he asked, "How do I get the medicine to stop working?"
The shaman says, "Ah, your partner need to say 1, 2, 3, 4, but when she does, medicine will not work until next full moon." The villager agreed, paid the shaman, and trotted off to his home.
That night, the villager took a drop of medicine as instructed by the shaman, and led his wife to their bed. He threw her on the bed, took off his clothes, and shouted "1, 2, 3,!"
His penis tripled in size, and his wife got very excited. She took off her clothes, and prepared for him to put it in when she asked, "What was the 1, 2, 3 for?"
And that, my friends, is why we never end a sentence with a dangling preposition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7znooq/a_villager_had_a_small_penis_and_hated_it/
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A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"
A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”
The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7znh4w/a_woman_marries_a_man_and_has_10_children_the_man/
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Government class

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7znauv/government_class/
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A vulture and his son

A long time ago, in a very flat place, there lived a teenage vulture named Red. He and his father were the only vultures around, and dined on the various animals that were hit by trucks on the highway. As most teenagers do, Red eventually got tired of his diet of dead things.
"Dad" he whined. "We've had nothing but dead rabbits for the last month. I want to try something new. I want to find some new food. Will you let me?"
"Sure thing, Red. Nothing's stopping you. If you find something new, come back and tell me." Red's dad finished up the rabbit kidney in his mouth and continued. "If you don't, come back anyway. You're my son, and I love you no matter what."
Having been given his father's blessing, Red left the flat land and went in search of new food. His adventure didn't last long. After a run-in with an angry flock of geese, getting chased off a farmer's land with a shotgun, and almost getting hit by a Mack truck, Red gave up. There just was no other way to get food. Sighing, he took wing and went back to see his old bird dad. "Dad, I'm back. It was a total disaster. I couldn't find anything."
"I knew it would happen." Red's dad answered. "The same thing happened to me when I asked my dad if I could do it. Well, come on over. Dinner's on."
"Dinner? I'm starving, dad. What are we having?" Red waddled over, drooling.
Red's dad shrugged his wings. "Carrion, my wayward son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zn9kr/a_vulture_and_his_son/
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The vagina is the best engine in the world...

It can be started with one finger. It's self-lubricating. It accepts any size piston. It even changes its own oil every four weeks. It's a shame that the management system is so fucking temperamental...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zn4iy/the_vagina_is_the_best_engine_in_the_world/
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Documentary on Afghanistan

A journalist goes to Afganistan for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"
The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.
The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!"
The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"
The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zn3tn/documentary_on_afghanistan/
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Hush, Little Actuary!

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” asks the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zmzj6/hush_little_actuary/
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Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a poo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zmw1u/why_did_the_baker_have_brown_hands/
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The UK is the only place

Where it's easier to get a chicken dinner in PUBG than KFC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zmw0j/the_uk_is_the_only_place/
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I'll tell this joke like it's told where I live in

A finn, a swede and a norwegian were on a desert island. One day the finn finds a magic lamp somewhere on the island. They all gather together to find out what it is and does. The finn says "maybe you have to shake it" and so he shakes it. When nothing happens the norwegian says "no, you definitely have to rub it, like in the movies" and so he does what he said and the lamp begins to shake around like crazy, a genie comes out of the lamp and says "every one of you three gets one wish". Then he says "you go first" pointing at the norwegian. "Okay, let's see... I want a helicopter to come to get me and bring me home" the norwegian says. "Okay, your wish will come to fruition" and so the helicopter comes, and the norwegian goes with it. Then it is the finn's turn to wish. "I want a plane to come to bring me home", and so he also get's home. But when it is the swedes turn he thinks and thinks about it but figures out nothing. While thinking about his wish he becomes to feel alone. The feeling gets so bad that he says "I'm so lonely, could you please bring the finn and the norwegian back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zmuq5/ill_tell_this_joke_like_its_told_where_i_live_in/
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Aussie v. Kiwi (NSFW)

An Australian sheep farmer decides to take a vacation in New Zealand.  After a few days of seeing the usual tourist sites, he decides to check out a local sheep farm.
As he is walking up to the gate, the Aussie spots a Kiwi shepherd with his back to him.  The Kiwi's pants are down around his ankles and he has a ewe by the hind legs.  He is balls deep in her, pumping away like there's no tomorrow.
Digusted, the Aussie calls out "Hey, mate!  Where I'm from, we shear those!"
Without missing a stroke, the Kiwi shouts back: "Fuck off!  I ain't shearin' this with anyone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zmt3q/aussie_v_kiwi_nsfw/
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I like guys and girls but still can't find anyone to love

I guess it's meant for me to be all bi-myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zmst8/i_like_guys_and_girls_but_still_cant_find_anyone/
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How do you know if a polish guy stole your bike ?

You see him running down the street with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zmpgi/how_do_you_know_if_a_polish_guy_stole_your_bike/
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So Mrs. Smith decides she wants vaginal rejuvenation

So Mrs. Smith has been around the block a time or two, and she decides she wants vaginal rejuvenation. She finds a surgeon who performs the procedure and has a consultation with him. In the discussion she tells the surgeon that she absolutely does not want a single word of her having the procedure to get out.
“Of course, Mrs. Smith. We’ll maintain the strictest of confidentiality. It’ll just be me and my nurse who are there performing your surgery.”
So she has the procedure done.
She’s in the recovery area, and wakes up to find three vases of flowers beside her bed. She is livid. She gets the surgeon on the phone and lays into him. Chews him up from one side to the other.
The surgeon, flustered, says, “Ma’am, I can explain: the first vase is from me. I knew you were going though this procedure all alone, and I thought a bouquet afterward would help cheer you up. The second is from my nurse. She’s gone through this procedure and wanted to let you know that there are others out there that have gone through the same thing.”
“Okay,” says Mrs. Smith. “What about the third one?”
The surgeon replies, “That one is from Mr. Brown up in the burn unit. He wants to thank you for his new ears.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zmmv4/so_mrs_smith_decides_she_wants_vaginal/
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Why does the chicken cross the Moebius strip?

To get to the same side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zmler/why_does_the_chicken_cross_the_moebius_strip/
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How do you know archeologists are lonely?

Theyre always coming up with new dating techniques.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zmkdp/how_do_you_know_archeologists_are_lonely/
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What do you get when you cross an 80's pop star and a cheap floor covering?

Vinyl Ritchie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zmk0b/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_80s_pop_star/
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What do you call Kim Kardashian's cleavage?

The silicon valley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zmjqd/what_do_you_call_kim_kardashians_cleavage/
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How many Mormons do you take fishing with you?

Two, because if you take just one he will drink all the beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zmemn/how_many_mormons_do_you_take_fishing_with_you/
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I just got a new personal best in the 100 metre sprint!

73 metres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zmdwv/i_just_got_a_new_personal_best_in_the_100_metre/
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What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo
Credit u/UnsatisfactoryPun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zm6a9/what_has_75_balls_and_screws_old_ladies/
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A man walks down a lonely beach

After a while, he sees another man laying on a towel with a lamp on one side of him and a one foot tall man playing the piano on the other side of him.
After exchanging pleasantries, the first man asks "what's that?", pointing to the lamp. "Oh, that?", says the second man. "That's a magic lamp. If you rub it, a genie comes out and grants you one wish".
"Oh, can I try it?" "Of course".
So the man picks up the lamp, rubs it, and a genie comes out.
"Hello, I am the genie in the lamp, and I will grant you one wish!", the genie says. "What is your wish?". The man thinks for a while and then says "I wish for a hundred million dollars!"
The genie replies "Your wish is my command!", and disappears as a hundred million collars starts falling from the sky.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" the man screams. "Is the genie hard of hearing or something?!". "Yeah", the second man says. "Do you think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zm0zj/a_man_walks_down_a_lonely_beach/
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Why don't Canadians find Americans attractive?

An American "A" is a Canadian "Eh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zm04h/why_dont_canadians_find_americans_attractive/
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After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zlwin/after_the_beer_festival_all_the_brewery/
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The air hostess has just told me if I don’t put my phone away, she’s going to slam my head into it.

But I’m pretty sure she’s just jokiNjdk$48(‘$76)?;;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zltcq/the_air_hostess_has_just_told_me_if_i_dont_put_my/
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Kennedy, Lennon, Gandhi

If you don’t want you kids assassinated, don’t name them after an airport.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zlsh8/kennedy_lennon_gandhi/
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Why was the NRA presentation not well received?

It had too many bullet points.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zlp15/why_was_the_nra_presentation_not_well_received/
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A mathematician is in a burning hotel room.

When he spots the fire extinguisher, he says, “ok, the problem is solvable” and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zln0w/a_mathematician_is_in_a_burning_hotel_room/
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Isaac newton, pascal, and Einstein are playing hide and seek.

They decide that Einstein is to count. He closes his eyes and slowly starts to count to ten. Pascal immediately takes off and hides behind a tree. Sir Isaac Newton calmly crouches down and draws a 1*1 meter square on the ground, and then steps onto it.
When Einstein finishes counting, he immediately sees Isaac Newton, and calls "I found you!" Newton says:
"You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter! You found Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zlidd/isaac_newton_pascal_and_einstein_are_playing_hide/
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What's the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

You can drop her off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zldkm/whats_the_best_thing_about_dating_a_homeless_woman/
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The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zlcv8/the_owner_of_a_drug_store_walks_in_to_find_a_guy/
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Mario and Luigi

Peach is walking past Mario and Luigi and hears:
"First Emma comes, then I come, then two asses come, then I come a-one more time, the two asses come again, I come a the third time, pee twice, then I come for the last time"
She walks up and slaps him.
"Mario! That's disgusting!"
"What? I teach a Luigi to spell Mississippi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zlc4n/mario_and_luigi/
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Did you know french fries aren't made in France?

They're fried in Greece!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zl9y7/did_you_know_french_fries_arent_made_in_france/
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Where do Vikings go when they get old?

The Norsing home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zl6lk/where_do_vikings_go_when_they_get_old/
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What does a gay horse eat?

Hayyyyyyy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zl527/what_does_a_gay_horse_eat/
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Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

Cause she's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zl3ay/why_cant_hellen_keller_drive/
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My 10 year old brother made a joke about my broken arm.

I found it very humerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zkzt0/my_10_year_old_brother_made_a_joke_about_my/
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Two Redditors walk into a bar

The first one makes an original joke.
The second one waits for a little, then says the exact same joke again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zkz32/two_redditors_walk_into_a_bar/
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A physicist goes outside and sees a man standing on the edge of a roof

The physicist shouts “Don’t jump, you have so much potential!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zkyer/a_physicist_goes_outside_and_sees_a_man_standing/
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I can count on both hands how many times I've visited Chernobyl.

13 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zkv09/i_can_count_on_both_hands_how_many_times_ive/
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Guy walks into a doctor’s office...

“Doc, I’ve made up my mind, thought it over. I want to be castrated!”
Doctor stares at him in disbelief,
“Are you sure? That is no....”
The guy interrupts,
“Doc, I’m 100% sure! Let’s do it today!
Later, after the procedure, the guy walks out of the hospital with a limp. In the hallway, he meets another man walking with a similar limp.
“Just got castrated too, huh?” The guy asks. “No, i had a circumcision” replied the man.
“Circum...Oohhh...that’s what it’s called!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zku4k/guy_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
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The Mormon and the Irishman

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.
They were sitting next to each other on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zkot6/the_mormon_and_the_irishman/
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What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zkjhr/what_has_75_balls_and_screws_old_ladies/
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The ugly club was going to Disneyland!

When the bus crashed killing all 43 of the occupants and the ugly bus driver. When they reach the pearly gates saint peter tells them all to form an orderly line and they will each get one wish before they pass into heaven.
Each person asks for the same thing, “I want to be the most beautiful person ever created.” As they move through the line, each person becoming more beautiful than the last they can hear giggling from the back of the line.
The line eventually dissipates and saint peter asks the last person in line his wish.
He says “make them all ugly again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zkhzh/the_ugly_club_was_going_to_disneyland/
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I used to be in a band called 1023mb

But we never got a gig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zkgab/i_used_to_be_in_a_band_called_1023mb/
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A woman is sitting beside a businessman on an airplane...

The businessman is quite bored, so he tries to get the woman to play a game with him. "Let's play a game. We take turns asking questions. If I can't answer one of yours, I'll pay you 5 bucks, but if you can't answer one of mine, then you'll give me 5 bucks."
The woman ignores him and tries to sleep.
"Okay, how about if I lose I give you 100 dollars, and you only give me 5."
Again, the woman declines.
"Okay, okay, how about I give you 1000 dollars if I lose?"
The woman, finally had enough, agrees. The businessman goes first."What's the circumference of the sun?"
The woman doesn't know and pays him 5 dollars. Then she asks the businessman "What has 6 legs, goes up a hill with 10 legs, and comes down with 5 legs?"
The businessman realizes he has no clue of the answer, and he would have to pay up. He searches it up on google, asks everyone on the plane, and calls all his friends, but no one knew the answer. At last, he reluctantly pays the woman 1000 dollars. The woman, satisfied, goes back to sleep.
The businessman taps her shoulder. "I have one last question. What was the answer?"
The woman sighs and takes out 5 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zkfqw/a_woman_is_sitting_beside_a_businessman_on_an/
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Did anyone hear about the new secret bakery?

It's on a knead to Dough basis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zkc01/did_anyone_hear_about_the_new_secret_bakery/
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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. (NSFW)

Saint peter tells the three men that heaven is pretty crowded and they’re enforcing a new policy. Whichever of them has the most interesting death story will be allowed into heaven and the others will be sent to hell to prevent overcrowding.
Saint peter asks the first man how he died.
“I came home from work early to find my wife naked, flushed, and obviously having an affair! I look all over my apartment trying to find the bastard when I spot his fingers holding onto my balcony railing outside. The next thing I see is the refrigerator so I push it over the balcony to send him to his death! What I didn’t notice was that the refrigerator caught my shoe string as it was falling and pulled me over the edge also. I fell to my death with the refrigerator and the low son-of-a-bitch who was banging my wife!”
“Wow!” Explains saint peter, “that’s one hell of a story! You’d better have a good one!” Peter explains to the next man.
“Alright” says the next man, “I was having a cigarette on the balcony when my wife’s good-for-nothing cat tries to climb me like a tree and scratched the shit out of my leg. I fell over the balcony but luckily I was able to grab ahold of the railing on the balcony below mine. Then, when I think I’m going to make it through this, some psycho pushes a fridge over the balcony and I fall to my death, crushed by a refrigerator!”
“That’s the most interesting death I’ve heard in weeks! It’s going to take a monster of a death story to beat that! Tell me your story.” He says to the third man.
“Imagine this, you’re cold, erect, and hiding in a refrigerator—“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zkbjx/three_men_arrive_in_heaven_at_the_same_time_nsfw/
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A coworker claims I always have to one-up his stories.

But I know a guy that one-ups people's stories way more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zkamf/a_coworker_claims_i_always_have_to_oneup_his/
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My wife said I should get in touch with my feminist side.

So I burnt dinner, crashed the car, and just ignored her all night for no reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zk5w5/my_wife_said_i_should_get_in_touch_with_my/
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Where do computer engineers like to go for entertainment?

The circuits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zk4hl/where_do_computer_engineers_like_to_go_for/
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I had sex under a citrus fruit tree once.

It was fucking sublime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zk1w0/i_had_sex_under_a_citrus_fruit_tree_once/
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In high school some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them.

Turns out it was just clique bait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zjzew/in_high_school_some_kids_told_me_theyd_give_me_20/
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When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zjysn/when_my_wife_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a/
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Chivalry is dead.

Opening the door for ladies used to be considered the polite thing to do.
The last girl I opened the door for just screamed at me as she fell out of the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zjyjv/chivalry_is_dead/
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A long-assed golf joke- but a decent, long-assed golf joke...

A man goes to see his priest:
“Father”, the man begins, “I took the Lord’s name in vain today while I was golfing.”
“I see. This is certainly an egregious sin in the eyes of our Lord, but perhaps you could tell me the circumstances around which this happened. As a golfer myself, I understand things can be frustrating.”
“Well, OK, Father. So there I was on the 16th hole. I was shooting a decent game at this point. I drove and the ball lands within 20’ of the pin when a hawk comes out of nowhere and flies off with my ball!”
“I see, my son. And is *that* when you took our Lord’s name in vain?”
No, father. As it happened, the hawk dropped the ball into the water trap.”
“Ah! So *that’s* when you did it!”
“No, Father. As luck would have it, there was a turtle sunning itself on a log. The ball hits the turtle, bounces onto the green and rolls 2’ from the cup!”
The priest thinks about this, then...
“Wait a minute... You’re telling me you missed a goddam two-foot putt?!?”
“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zjwqr/a_longassed_golf_joke_but_a_decent_longassed_golf/
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Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks,

“How do you drive this thing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zjobl/two_fish_are_in_a_tank_one_turns_to_the_other_and/
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I made up a new word

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zjkq4/i_made_up_a_new_word/
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I'm tired of all this sex on the television.

I keep falling off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zjjed/im_tired_of_all_this_sex_on_the_television/
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What is a daleks favourite breakfast

Eggs, plain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zjb98/what_is_a_daleks_favourite_breakfast/
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I asked my girlfriend what her favourite STD was.

She laughed and said, "Well, I don't have one."
"Trust me," I replied, "you do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zja4c/i_asked_my_girlfriend_what_her_favourite_std_was/
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I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.
"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"
"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"
"I lent a friend $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zj33z/i_think_my_wife_has_weekly_sessions_with_the/
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My friend just told me I could do anything I put my mind to

But he still seemed confused when I head butted his wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zj24j/my_friend_just_told_me_i_could_do_anything_i_put/
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I watched a documentary on how they make boats.

It was rivetting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zj1bk/i_watched_a_documentary_on_how_they_make_boats/
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What do you get when you put both halves of your butt together?

A buttwhole.
I said this to my fiancee last night and we both cracked up.  I came up with it myself, although it's possible someone else has made this joke before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zj0sa/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_both_halves_of_your/
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A boy walks in on his father masturbating

. the boy, curious asks him, "Dad, what are you doing?" The father replies, "This is called masturbating, and pretty soon you will be doing it also." The kid, puzzled, asks, "How do you know that?" The father goes "Because my arm is getting tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ziy3o/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_father_masturbating/
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The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zixbh/the_teacher_says_the_one_sucking_her_ice_cream/
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My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she asked me “Is that the best you can do?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zib4a/my_daughter_has_gotten_to_the_age_where_she_asks/
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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Joe, are at a bar...

Jim says, “You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I presume you have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think that logically speaking, you have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"So, because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a straight man."
"I am straight. That's amazing! You were able to find out all of that just because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Joe at the bar. He tells Joe about his classes, and how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Joe says, "What's that?"
"I'll give you an example," says Jim. "Do you own a weed eater?"
"No."
"You a faggot, Joe?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zia5e/two_texas_farmers_jim_and_joe_are_at_a_bar/
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It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.

He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zi3bl/its_been_raining_for_days_now_and_my_husband/
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zi0fx/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
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Just filmed a video of the Mrs wanking me off with her toes.

Lovely bit of footage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zhynk/just_filmed_a_video_of_the_mrs_wanking_me_off/
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My Uber driver's name was Bienvenido

When he was dropping me off I said " Thank you!" and he said "you're welcome" and I said "No, you're welcome."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zhxyc/my_uber_drivers_name_was_bienvenido/
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TIL the Earth produces global electromagnetic resonance with the highest peak frequency of 33.8Hz, slightly lower than a C#1 note with a frequency of 34.65Hz.

I guess you can say the earth is flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zhrq1/til_the_earth_produces_global_electromagnetic/
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What did the pirate do to the physicist?

He made him walk the Planck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zhopb/what_did_the_pirate_do_to_the_physicist/
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Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zhgti/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car/
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I asked my Grandpa: After 65 years you still call grandma Darling, Beautiful and Honey...

What's the secret?
**Grandpa**: I forgot her name 5 years ago and Im scared to ask her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zhfh3/i_asked_my_grandpa_after_65_years_you_still_call/
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Just saw the Black Panther movie

3/5 would recommend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zh9gu/just_saw_the_black_panther_movie/
%
A son asks his father...

A son asks his father: “Dad what's an alcoholic?”
His dad says: “You see those 4 trees? An alcoholic would see 8.”
His son replies: “But Dad I can only see 2.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zh8ph/a_son_asks_his_father/
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Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." (true story)
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted, "I'll do the fuckin dishes!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zh3cn/vaseline/
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Why did Stanley Kubrick want to send an old minivan into space?

It would be *"A 2001 Space Odyssey"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zh1ns/why_did_stanley_kubrick_want_to_send_an_old/
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Cheer up!

My friend is always telling me "Cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole filled with water."
I know she means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zgx4e/cheer_up/
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What’s the difference between a Greyhound Terminal and a lobster with chest implants?

One is a crusty bus station, there other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zgtr0/whats_the_difference_between_a_greyhound_terminal/
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My boss has been angry with me recently, and last night he called while I was taking a bath.

I didn't answer because I was in hot water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zgrts/my_boss_has_been_angry_with_me_recently_and_last/
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In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating...

One Student: "Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zgrb8/in_their_biology_class_students_are_given_an/
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I think my Physical Therapist is into me.

She said I had acute tendinitis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zgq9m/i_think_my_physical_therapist_is_into_me/
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Thank you God

for giving me food to sustain my body, TidePods to clean my clothes, & wisdom to know the difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zgnso/thank_you_god/
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How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?

It’s not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zgmmi/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
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How do you make an old lady say "Fuck!"?

Get another old lady to yell, "BINGO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zgiph/how_do_you_make_an_old_lady_say_fuck/
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What did Simba's father say when Simba was walking slowly?

Mufasa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zgcno/what_did_simbas_father_say_when_simba_was_walking/
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A woman came up to me in a bar.

She said, "You don't look too happy. Maybe I could cheer you up?"
I raised my hand and said, "I'm married."
"That explains the first bit, then," she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zg795/a_woman_came_up_to_me_in_a_bar/
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I didn't think i was the type of person that only liked expensive food...

Then I moved out and saw that all food was expensive food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zg52k/i_didnt_think_i_was_the_type_of_person_that_only/
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I had a dream in which my favorite pornstar died.

I woke up with mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zg3z9/i_had_a_dream_in_which_my_favorite_pornstar_died/
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A string joins the jokes subreddit and writes a joke

Commenters say strings aren't funny, we've heard this joke before, and end up banning him from the subreddit. In response the string comes up with a clever idea, he makes a new profile, disquises himself by messing up his hair and wrapping himself up. Proudly he writes another joke and immediately commentators ridicule him and ask if he is that terrible string making terrible jokes again. He cunningly replies in the comments, "nope, I'm a-frayed (k)not." Suddenly everyone is laughing and upvoting the string but a few annoyed and confused redditors wondering how this string's popularity turned from rags to riches. They begin bemoaning and insulting the changed string and his frayed-to-threads hair. After a few thousand upvotes, a kind and wise redditor explains to them, "silly redditors, don't you know, the real jokes are in the comments of the threads"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zg0zq/a_string_joins_the_jokes_subreddit_and_writes_a/
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Old Lady: "Harold? What are you doing with my birth certificate at 3 in the morning?"

Old Man: "Oh, I'm just fawning over how beautiful your name is, darling."
Old Lady: "Harold! That is incredibly sweet of you!"
Old Man: "Well, what can I say? I'm incredibly lucky to have married the woman I love, and that she could have such a beautiful name as... uh..."
*squints and looks at paper*
"...Margret."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zfz4k/old_lady_harold_what_are_you_doing_with_my_birth/
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I have the heart of a Lion.

...And a lifetime ban from the Oregon zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zfyrp/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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Murder @ Wal-Mart

So here's the story. . .
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing
out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested
inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the
dollar as down payment for the dirty deed..
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super
Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department &
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands as the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly
onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol'
Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured
by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he
could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the
whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with
the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested..
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
(You're going to hate me for this ... )
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zfycb/murder_walmart/
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Who would win in a drinking game between an Irishman and a Scotsman?

The distillery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zfx4m/who_would_win_in_a_drinking_game_between_an/
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I want to treat the roads with sugar instead of salt

This way, you know... Everyone can have a sweet ride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zfuos/i_want_to_treat_the_roads_with_sugar_instead_of/
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I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zfse5/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
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Hey Watson, how's your constipation?

No shit, Sherlock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zfm45/hey_watson_hows_your_constipation/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A ripoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zffqj/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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What’s the difference between my sex life and a leprechaun?

If you told me the leprechaun existed, I’d believe you...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zfe41/whats_the_difference_between_my_sex_life_and_a/
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My favourite Russian joke.

3 soldiers are all sitting around bragging about their armies. A Russian, an Israeli and an American.
The Russian boasts, "In our army we get 500 calories of field ration per day."
The Israeli says, "We get 1000 calories a day for field ration."
The American says, "Well we get around 2000 calories a day for field ration."
The Russian blurts out, "That is bullshit, you can't possibly carry that much cabbage!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zfcfa/my_favourite_russian_joke/
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A kid asks his dad about differences

Son: Dad what's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?
Dad: Well son, before I tell you the answer I need you to go ask your Mom, Sister, and Brother if they would have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
The son goes and does as he's told and comes back to tell his dad.
Son: They all said they would.
Dad: Well the answer to your question is that "Potentially" we could be 3 million dollars richer, "Realistically" we are living with 2 hookers and a fag...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zfbh3/a_kid_asks_his_dad_about_differences/
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Now that the tide pod fad is dying down

lets move onto the cotton candy in the attic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zf907/now_that_the_tide_pod_fad_is_dying_down/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zf8lt/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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The Problem with Politcal Jokes...

...is that they keep getting elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zf589/the_problem_with_politcal_jokes/
%
My buddy asked me if he could crash on my couch tonight

I had to explain  to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zf2k8/my_buddy_asked_me_if_he_could_crash_on_my_couch/
%
I've always wanted to be a train driver.

It seems pretty straightforward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zf043/ive_always_wanted_to_be_a_train_driver/
%
Why do they always send out two EMT’s?

So there will be a paramedics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zeym9/why_do_they_always_send_out_two_emts/
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Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months?

The box said 2-4 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zeso9/why_did_the_blonde_get_excited_after_finishing/
%
Why did the blonde take the ladder to the pub

She heard the drinks were on the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zerh2/why_did_the_blonde_take_the_ladder_to_the_pub/
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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued:
"Have you any grounds?"
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
It's made of concrete.
"I don' think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
No, we have carport, and not need one.
"I mean what are your relations like?"
All my relations still in Poland .
" Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
"Does your wife beat you up?"
No, I'm always up before her each morning.
"Is your wife a nagger?"
No, she white.
"Why do you want this divorce?"
She going to kill me.
"What makes you think that?"
I got proof.
"What kind of proof?"
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: POLISH REMOVER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zeqt9/a_polish_man_moved_to_the_usa_and_married_an/
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I like my women how i like my Coffee,

in a burlap sack on the back of a donkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zeq2b/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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Did you hear about the toilet paper that won back-to-back?

It was on a roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zeptg/did_you_hear_about_the_toilet_paper_that_won/
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So, I googled the “Rorschach” test the other day..

All I could find were pictures of my parents fighting..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zeiat/so_i_googled_the_rorschach_test_the_other_day/
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What's the best joke on /r/jokes?

"Reposts will be removed at our discretion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zedwp/whats_the_best_joke_on_rjokes/
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1 My kid’s made up Star Wars joke: What does Darth Vader exhale?

Carbon Darkside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ze6vc/1_my_kids_made_up_star_wars_joke_what_does_darth/
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A woman goes to the doctor,

Woman: Lately I have developed this problem of wetting my bed while sleeping.
Doc: Go behind the curtains, take off your clothes and do a headstand in front of the mirror.
The woman obliges. The doctor comes in, parts her legs and keeps his chin on top of her vagina.
Woman: So Doc, what's the problem with me?
Doc: You should stop drinking before going to bed, that's all.
Woman: Then why the hell did you make me do that?
Doc: Oh, I just wanted to see how'd I look with a beard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ze6lk/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs...

This will make you the person who calls the shots...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ze4uk/if_you_really_want_a_promotion_at_work_all_you/
%
Why did the failed fishermen stop making his movie?

He couldn't get past casting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ze37q/why_did_the_failed_fishermen_stop_making_his_movie/
%
Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ze215/do_you_ever_just_wake_up_and_kiss_the_person/
%
You're so bad in bed that...

Your sex tape would be a vine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ze0lv/youre_so_bad_in_bed_that/
%
What's the difference between a hooker and a solicitor?

A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you''re dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zdzuu/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a/
%
Russia, U. K. and U.S.A. just signed a monetary agreement.

A pound of rubles will cost a dollar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zdyg3/russia_u_k_and_usa_just_signed_a_monetary/
%
As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zdy9p/as_i_looked_into_her_eyes_across_the_candlelit/
%
Which came first - the chicken or the egg?

Neither. The rooster did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zdve3/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
A botanist visited an onion farm and said to the farmer:

"I'm sorry but I think your ground is leeking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zdrf0/a_botanist_visited_an_onion_farm_and_said_to_the/
%
My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zdrew/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
%
One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex...

The mother is going up & down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them, she immediately stops.
"What are you doing, Mommy?" asks the little girl.
Mother says; "Sometimes daddy's tummy gets too big, so I have to jump up and down to flatten it."
The little girl replies; "Well, mommy you really shouldn't bother with that."
The mother has a confused look on her face; "Why do you say that, sweetheart?"
She replies; "Because everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zdk1k/one_night_a_little_girl_walks_in_on_her_parents/
%
What was the last thing Jesus felt?

Cross...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zdg8q/what_was_the_last_thing_jesus_felt/
%
One day in class Little Johnny irritatedly questioned the teacher......

One day in class the teacher brought a bag. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy."Is it a peach?"Billy asks."No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking,"the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zder2/one_day_in_class_little_johnny_irritatedly/
%
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zddmi/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and/
%
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.59/pound, while deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zdcov/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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An old man goes to the doctors office. ...

As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited a few minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?' "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zdcfk/an_old_man_goes_to_the_doctors_office/
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zd7gt/how_many_existentialists_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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Little Johnny hears strange noises from his parent's bedroom

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing strange noises from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming.
Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life".
Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind.
Dad screams.
Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zd686/little_johnny_hears_strange_noises_from_his/
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Hickory dickory dock, the mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one

The rest barely escaped with their lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zd1bh/hickory_dickory_dock_the_mice_ran_up_the_clock/
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Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: please call our kids by their real names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zcxj0/husband_why_are_there_broken_condoms_on_the_couch/
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Just ate two bowls of alphabet soup.

I can already feel a vowel movement coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zcsv2/just_ate_two_bowls_of_alphabet_soup/
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Mans wife finds 25,000 dollars and two ears of corn in a secret trunk at their home

Wife - Why are there two ears of corn in this trunk?
Husband - I kept a ear of corn every time I messed around on you.
Wife - Oh that’s not bad, 34 years of marriage and only messed around twice? What about the 25,000 dollars?
Husband - Every-time I collected a bushel I sold it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zcr33/mans_wife_finds_25000_dollars_and_two_ears_of/
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set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

When somebody asks you, you say it is 12345678

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zcbri/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
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Two lions walk into a bar.

They sit down and start drinking. Soon after, a woman comes into the bar. She’s drunk and obnoxious. As she staggers by the lions, she carelessly bumps into the first one and spills his drink. Annoyed, the lion frowns and orders another drink. The two lions continue drinking and the woman staggers by again yelling, and again bumps into the first lion and spills his drink. The lion growls at her, and orders another drink. The two lions continue drinking and the woman staggers by a third time again yelling and cursing, and again bumps into the first lion and spills his drink. Enraged, the lion roars and attacks the woman. In a couple of bites, he’s eaten the woman entirely. He then orders another drink and they continue drinking.
Shortly thereafter, the first lion looks at the second lion and complains, “man, I don’t feel good, I’m getting really sleepy. I think someone may have roofied my drink.”
The second lion looks at his buddy and says, "maybe it was that bar bitch you ate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zca07/two_lions_walk_into_a_bar/
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A horse is bored, so he's sitting at home watching MTV

This was back when MTV played music videos. So, he's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zc7sz/a_horse_is_bored_so_hes_sitting_at_home_watching/
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Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zc71q/teacher_why_are_you_late/
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Why aren't there Wal-Mart's in Afghanistan?

Because there is a Target  in every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zc4id/why_arent_there_walmarts_in_afghanistan/
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A man and his best friend, a preacher, are traveling together.

They stop at a vineyard and after the taste testing the preacher comments that one of the wines is the best he’s ever tasted. The man, knowing his friend’s congregation is particularly conservative, grins and tells the preacher, “I’ll buy you a case of this wine IF you thank me for it in front of your congregation next Sunday.”
The preacher gives it some thought and finally accepts. On Sunday morning before his sermon he stands at the pulpit and says, “I’d like to thank my good friend Jeff for the gift of the fine grapes and the excellent spirit in which they were given.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zc3g0/a_man_and_his_best_friend_a_preacher_are/
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What did the socialists use before they used candles?

Lightbulbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zc2up/what_did_the_socialists_use_before_they_used/
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Three men are in a boat with four cigarettes; but they have no lighter...

What do they do?
Throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zc2hb/three_men_are_in_a_boat_with_four_cigarettes_but/
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Go to a dog shelter to find a dog, you're a hero.

Go to a women's shelter to find  a wife, you're a monster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zc0nh/go_to_a_dog_shelter_to_find_a_dog_youre_a_hero/
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My ex just sent me nudes in a compressed folder

Sigh... *unzips*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zc0fd/my_ex_just_sent_me_nudes_in_a_compressed_folder/
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I’m going to stand outside.

So if anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zbs9w/im_going_to_stand_outside/
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What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

Wataaaah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zbnuj/what_is_bruce_lees_favorite_drink/
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Whats the difference between a piano, tuna, and glue?

You can tune a piano but you can’t piano a tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zbmlw/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_tuna_and_glue/
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What’s the best thing about having Alzheimer’s Disease?

You make new friends every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zbli4/whats_the_best_thing_about_having_alzheimers/
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A farmer's tale

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,
the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is
when he gets here, OK?"  The rancher leaves for the fields.  After a
while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door.  “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said.  Amy takes him down
to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the
nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."  The man, assuming
he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm
dying to know.  How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be
bred?"  "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its
stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the
nail for?"  The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zbjrc/a_farmers_tale/
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A boy asks his granny, “Have you seen my pills, they were labelled ‘LSD’?”

His granny replies, “Screw the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zbis6/a_boy_asks_his_granny_have_you_seen_my_pills_they/
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Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I am very persistent
Interviewer: OK, we'll call you and let you know our decision.
Me: Great! I'll just wait here then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zbhuv/interviewer_what_is_your_greatest_strength/
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If laughter is the best medicine

You can be sure your insurance won't cover it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zbhhk/if_laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
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I Believe all women are created equal

That’s why I am willing to sleep with all of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zbgnx/i_believe_all_women_are_created_equal/
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I was about to make a joke about an overcrowded cemetery...

But there was no plot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zbd1z/i_was_about_to_make_a_joke_about_an_overcrowded/
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I'm a pervert that aspires to be a sexual harassment lawyer.

Ok, so I really just want to get myself off in court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zbbso/im_a_pervert_that_aspires_to_be_a_sexual/
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A Leper Walks Into A Bar

A leper walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives it to him, then immediately turns around and throws up. The leper, being a leper, was used to this kind of thing, and didn't think much of it.
The leper finishes his beer and orders another one. The bartender gives it to him, then turns around and throws up again. The leper was starting to grow a bit concerned, but still continued to drink his beer.
After finishing, he orders one more beer. The bartender gives it to him, then turned around and, once again, threw up. By this point, the leper was beginning to think that maybe it was time to go.
"Look, I'm sorry," he apologized to the bartender. "I didn't mean to gross you out so much."
"No, no, it's not you," the bartender replied. "It's the guy next to you, dipping his chip in your elbow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zb8gx/a_leper_walks_into_a_bar/
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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zb3ap/a_helicopter_was_flying_around_above_seattle_when/
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A tiny psychic was walking around town.

He was a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zazt8/a_tiny_psychic_was_walking_around_town/
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I wrote the names of all people I unfriended on a piece of paper, but my roommate rolled it into a joint

Now he is high on my list of people I never want to see again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zazs9/i_wrote_the_names_of_all_people_i_unfriended_on_a/
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The inventor of the USB died.

They lowered his coffin, raised it back out, flipped it over, lowered it again, raised it back out, flipped it over again, then lowered him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zazey/the_inventor_of_the_usb_died/
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Having sex with me is a lot like riding a roller coaster

It's over in about a minute and makes you want to vomit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zarok/having_sex_with_me_is_a_lot_like_riding_a_roller/
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The foreign bloke driving my taxi was so uninspired, bless him.

He kept saying "give me direction".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zapbl/the_foreign_bloke_driving_my_taxi_was_so/
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3 things are fr certain in life

Death
Taxes
Someone giving you shit about misspelling your title on a Reddit post

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zaokg/3_things_are_fr_certain_in_life/
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Plastic surgery . . .

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years, they had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zaldx/plastic_surgery/
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What did the bra said to the hat?

You go on ahead, I’ll give these two a lift!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zaiqn/what_did_the_bra_said_to_the_hat/
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A woman turns to her husband sitting in church one Sunday morning and quietly says,

“I’ve just let a silent fart. What should I do?”
Her husband leans over to her and replies, “Get a new battery for your hearing aid.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zaihb/a_woman_turns_to_her_husband_sitting_in_church/
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"The Best Way To Stop A Bad Guy With A Gun Is With A Good Guy With A Gun"

Is an excellent sales pitch for doubling your sales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zafv6/the_best_way_to_stop_a_bad_guy_with_a_gun_is_with/
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I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zafdf/i_accused_my_wife_of_adding_dirt_to_the_garden/
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I met four professional coffee tasters and every one of them was a terrible person.

I don't know how they can sleep at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7zae2n/i_met_four_professional_coffee_tasters_and_every/
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I'll never forget the last thing my grandfather said to me before he died.

Stop shaking the ladder, you arsehole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7za73s/ill_never_forget_the_last_thing_my_grandfather/
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My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom?

Because he was dribbling.  😊

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7za6jv/my_5_year_old_grandson_came_up_with_this_joke_and/
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When the zombies come for our brains...

...the blondes are gonna have to repopulate the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7za4zf/when_the_zombies_come_for_our_brains/
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I just open a fortune cookie that had no paper inside...

...it was unfortunate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7za4bg/i_just_open_a_fortune_cookie_that_had_no_paper/
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A family of moles lives in a hole outside a farm...

Then one morning as the farmer was cooking breakfast, the daddy mole stuck his head out of the hole and said "Mmmm I smell bacon" then the mommy mole stuck her head out of the hole and said "Mmmm I smell pancakes" the little baby mole was curious and tried SO HARD to hop up so he can smell what everyone else is talking about. Frustrated after not being able to fit, he gave up and said "I don't know what everyone is talking about, all I can smell is molasses!!"
And that's the only clean joke I know LOL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7za2dv/a_family_of_moles_lives_in_a_hole_outside_a_farm/
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I asked a six year old boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said “Batman!”

You’d think the kid would be grateful that I then shot his parents in front of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7za1mw/i_asked_a_six_year_old_boy_what_he_wanted_to_be/
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Who gets the money?

In a room there is a poor Nigerian man, a rich Nigerian man, Santa Clause, and the Tooth Fairy. In the middle of the room there is a million dollars. Out of the 4 who gets the millions dollars?
Obviously the poor Nigerian man because the other 3 do not exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7za0zf/who_gets_the_money/
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How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the light bulb, one to tell Tom Cruise that it cost $40,000.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7za07b/how_many_scientologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Which U.S state has the smallest soft drink

Minisoda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9zn1/which_us_state_has_the_smallest_soft_drink/
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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9yc9/a_father_and_his_young_son_go_to_a_restaurant_and/
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How do nerds relieve their sexual frustration?

They maths debate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9x9m/how_do_nerds_relieve_their_sexual_frustration/
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My window cleaner caught me masturbating today. It was awkward.

Maybe I shouldn't have been standing in his garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9vvs/my_window_cleaner_caught_me_masturbating_today_it/
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Three men survive a plane crash on a strange island

When they gain consciousness, they realize they have been taken captive by a group of cannibals.
The leader of the cannibals tells all three men to go into the forest, pick 1 fruit and bring back 10 of them.
First guy went and came back with oranges and was told by the cannibal leader to shove all the oranges up his ass, if he could do so without crying or laughing, he would be set free.
After about 3 oranges in, the man started crying of pain and was immediately killed and eaten.
The second man came back with strawberries and was breezing through each strawberry with relative ease, until he started laughing. He too, was killed and eaten.
The 2nd man joined the 1st man in heaven and was asked, “dude you could’ve survived, why did you laugh?!”
He answered, “I saw the 3rd guy walking back with 10 pineapples.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9u5q/three_men_survive_a_plane_crash_on_a_strange/
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i used to work at a can crushing factory

it was soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9q98/i_used_to_work_at_a_can_crushing_factory/
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( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0

A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9poy/12_144_20_3_sqrt4_7_511_92_0/
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A group of friends walk into a bar and order a round of drinks.

They sit at a table next to an old man who appears to be on his own and is staring deeply into his pint.
After a few minutes, the old man leans back on his chair, stinking of booze, presses his face up against one of the guys and says, "your mama is so fat, she wakes up on both sides of the bed!"
The friends look at each other for a moment... laugh and continue with their conversation.
A few more minutes pass and the old man let's out a sudden grunt, shocking everyone. He turns to the table of friends, looks at the same guy and shouts, "Your mama is so ugly, her blowjobs count as ANAL!"
The friends all look at each other a little concerned, but carry on with their drinks and conversation anyway.
A few more minutes pass and suddenly the old man jumps up onto his table, spraying his beer everywhere. He points at the same guy and shouts," YOUR MAMA IS SO UGLY, EVEN HER DILDO NEEDS VIAGRA!!"
The group of friends can't believe their ears. Just as one of them is about to say something, the old man continues...
"Your mama is so fucking stupid, she threw a rock at the ground and missed!! She is sooooo fat, she was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease and the doctor gave her 80 years to live! She's so DUMB!! HA, she got STABBED in a SHOOTOUT!! She's so fucking FAT, her blood type is RAGUUU!!!"
He takes a deep breath, a swig of ale and continues...
"She's sooooo dumb, she spent 20 minutes staring at an orange juice carton coz it said 'concentrate'. Ya mum's so fat, she walked infront of the TV and I missed all 3 Lord of the Rings films! Your MUMMA is so naaasty, I stuck a cucumber in her and pulled out a pickle... She's so slutty, she got fired from the spermbank for drinking on the job! Your mama is so hideous, the water jumps out of the pool before she even jumps in. Yo mama is sooooo fat, after sex I roll over twice and I'M STILL ON THE BITCH! Your mother is so disgusting..."
"ENOUGH!" the guy shouts. The whole pub is deadly silent.
He slowly walks up to the old guy, looks him dead in the eye and says," go home Dad, you're drunk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9mca/a_group_of_friends_walk_into_a_bar_and_order_a/
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A man and a woman are flirting in a bar

The woman asks the man what he does for a job to which he replies "I'm a vampire hunter"
"There are no vampires around here through" she says looking at him confused. He takes a long drink and says "you're welcome"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9lvd/a_man_and_a_woman_are_flirting_in_a_bar/
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What's the best thing someone can say about you at your funeral?

Hey! I saw him move!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9jor/whats_the_best_thing_someone_can_say_about_you_at/
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I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner

as all it was doing was gathering dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9i66/i_recently_decided_to_sell_my_vacuum_cleaner/
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My dad came home drunk last night and started telling me jokes. They all sucked, but as he was telling the last joke he puked up on the punchline.

It was the sickest joke I've ever heard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9hds/my_dad_came_home_drunk_last_night_and_started/
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This PC society is getting out of hand

You can't even say "black paint" anymore. Now you have to say "Jamal, could you paint that wall please?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9gz8/this_pc_society_is_getting_out_of_hand/
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I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.
Him: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.
Her; Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9g75/i_used_to_be_christian/
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Why do brides cry at their wedding?

Because they never marry the best man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9chh/why_do_brides_cry_at_their_wedding/
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Why can't you understand a single incest joke on its own?

Because they are all related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9bk3/why_cant_you_understand_a_single_incest_joke_on/
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The fly and the river

It's a hot summer day, hottest it's been all year, and the sun is just beating down on this poor fly who has been traveling all day until he finally hovers over a river.
"Oh boy" Says the fly "If I drop just six inches I'll be able to feel the cooling mist of the river and take a break!"
However, little does the fly know that there is a fish hiding just beneath the water. The fish thinks to himself "Oh boy, if that fly drops just six inches, I'll be able to jump up and eat the fly!"
Unbeknownst to the fish, there is a bear hiding in the bushes by the bank of the river. He sees the fly and the fish and thinks to himself "Oh boy, if that fly drops six inches then the fish will jump for the fly, and then I can run out and catch the fish!"
Hidden from the bear up in a treestand, is a hunter. He sees the fly, the fish and the bear just poking out of the bushes and he thinks to himself "Oh boy, if that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump for the fly, the bear will run to catch the fish, and then I can get a shot at the bear!"
There's a sandwich in the hunter's pocket, but it's hanging precariously in such a way that a mouse, cowering behind the hunter thinks to himself "Oh boy, if that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump for the fly, the bear will run for the fish, the hunter will lean forward to shoot the bear, the sandwich will fall out of his pocket and then I can eat the sandwich!"
Above the mouse, higher in the tree is a cat. He spies the fly, the fish, the bear, the hunter, the sandwich and the mouse and thinks to himself "Oh boy, this is purrrfect. If that fly drops six inches then the fish will jump for the fly, the bear will run to catch the fish, the hunter will lean forward to shoot the bear, the sandwich will fall out of his pocket, the mouse will come out into the open to grab the sandwich and then I'll be free to pounce on the mouse!"
SO!
The fly decides to go for it, he drops six inches to feel the mist of the river. The fish leaps out of the water to nab the fly, the bear barrels out of the bushes to grab the fish, the hunter leans forward and pulls the trigger causing the sandwich to fall out of his pocket, the mouse rushes out to nibble at the sandwich and the cat, startled by the gunshot, jumps, misses and then falls into the river...
Now what's the moral of the story?
If the fly drops 6 inches, the pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z96y7/the_fly_and_the_river/
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Sometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks

Its nice to have a bit of company

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z9044/sometimes_when_i_feel_lonely_i_buy_some_stocks/
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What do you get when you mix a gullible and optimistic person?

Read it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z8zhx/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_gullible_and/
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How does Jesus turn a river into a lake?

God dam it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z8zfw/how_does_jesus_turn_a_river_into_a_lake/
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What do you call a snake that is 3.14 feet long ?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z8ym3/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_is_314_feet_long/
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There is a serial killer currently on the loose

He has been murdering people with knitting needles. Police think he is following some kind of pattern.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z8yei/there_is_a_serial_killer_currently_on_the_loose/
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A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Wow! In all my years of tending bars, I've never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z8p3e/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call an ogre who gets a C in a test?

Mediogre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z8ogs/what_do_you_call_an_ogre_who_gets_a_c_in_a_test/
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A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z8jgw/a_plane_is_on_its_way_to_toronto_when_a_blonde_in/
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I dont know where I stand on abortion

I like killing babies but don't like giving women a choice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z8ilq/i_dont_know_where_i_stand_on_abortion/
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The world is full of lies and deception:

The label on the door said "Ladies" but there was just a toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z8ese/the_world_is_full_of_lies_and_deception/
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25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z8cp4/25_of_all_adult_women_are_currently_on_medication/
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My wife heard a 7 year old say this joke: “What did the elephant say to the naked man?”

How do you breathe with that thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z86lp/my_wife_heard_a_7_year_old_say_this_joke_what_did/
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My friend said he has the body of a Greek God

I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z84rd/my_friend_said_he_has_the_body_of_a_greek_god/
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I know a guy with 5 penises.

His underwear fits likes a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z81x3/i_know_a_guy_with_5_penises/
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Sounding smart

Sometimes I just masturbate a big word into a sentence even if I don't know what it means just to sound smart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z7woi/sounding_smart/
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A church in my neighborhood has started having raves every night...

They're Crystal Methodists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z7wcu/a_church_in_my_neighborhood_has_started_having/
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Why do white girks only walk in groups of odd numbers?

Because they literally can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z7vvj/why_do_white_girks_only_walk_in_groups_of_odd/
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What's a furry's favorite file storage format?

.rawr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z7t5v/whats_a_furrys_favorite_file_storage_format/
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While digging in the garden I found a chest

of gold coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife...but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z7l8l/while_digging_in_the_garden_i_found_a_chest/
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I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z7idi/i_bought_my_girlfriend_a_fridge_for_her_birthday/
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A friend of mine said he didn't understand cloning.

I said, "That makes two of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z7ct6/a_friend_of_mine_said_he_didnt_understand_cloning/
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I poured root beer in a square glass

Now I just have beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z7ch9/i_poured_root_beer_in_a_square_glass/
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A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity that comes his way.

The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet. They go to his door and he answers, "What do you want?"
One of the ladies replies, "Hello Mr. Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn't you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?"
The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, "Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life\-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?"
The lady, taken back, replies, "Well.. No... I thought..."
He interrupts her, "Did you also know my sister's husband left her and their two kids without a penny?"
Still stuttering she replies, "Um... Oh my...."
"And my brother lost his legs in the war," The lawyer continues. At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren't saying a word. Then he finishes, "If they don't get a cent, do you expect to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z7c1h/a_very_wealthy_lawyer_in_a_small_town_is/
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There were people having a disagreement over whether it is correct to use the term "Jew", "Israeli", or "Hebrew".

In the end they were just arguing semitics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z7bvg/there_were_people_having_a_disagreement_over/
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A mother asks her child after school...

"Did you learn anything today?"
"Not enough apparently, the teacher wants me to come back tomorrow..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z77ia/a_mother_asks_her_child_after_school/
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Homesickness

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel . He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three\-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z77d6/homesickness/
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I feel bad for the hypnotist I saw yesterday

He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the microphone on his foot and screamed:
“F*ck me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z76lg/i_feel_bad_for_the_hypnotist_i_saw_yesterday/
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A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher..

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes meekly, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge... Show him your badge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z76bj/a_dea_officer_stops_at_a_ranch_in_texas_and_talks/
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why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

because then it would be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z73k4/why_cant_your_nose_be_12_inches_long/
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Little Johnny goes to a Whorehouse and wants a girl with disease......

Little Johnny, about 7 years old, is on his way to a whorehouse. Once he gets there, he goes to the Madame and speaks to her
Johnny: Hey there Missus. I would like a hooker, please
Madame: I'm sorry little boy. you look way too young to come here. What's your phone number? I think your parents should come pick you up.
Johnny: No ma'am. I want a hooker
Madame: I can't let you. you're way too young
So they start arguing for a few minutes until Johnny reaches into his pocket and grabs a fat wad of cash. The madame thinks about it for a few seconds and then relents.
Madame: OK fine. Let me get a lineup and you can pick out the one you want to have fun with
Johnny: Don't worry about that, I got it all figured out. I want a girl with diseases.
Madame: I have a girl with diseases, but i don't think you want her. Let me get a lineup and you can get one of my good girls
So they argue again for a few minutes until Johnny pulls out another, even larger wad of cash. The madame has to think about this a little longer but eventually relents
Madame: OK fine. I'll take you to Jenny's room and you can have fun with her
Johnny: Great. Thanks!
So Johnny goes to Jenny's room, does his thing and then comes down a few minutes later. Before he could leave, the madame stops him
Madame: Why were you so hell-bent on getting a girl with diseases?
Johnny: Well when I get home, mommy and daddy are going on a date night. The babysitter will come over, molest me and get the diseases.
When mommy and daddy get home, daddy will take the baby sitter home, fuck her and daddy will get the diseases
When daddy gets home, mommy and daddy are gonna fuck and mommy will get the diseases
Tomorrow, when daddy is at work, mommy will fuck the mailman and the mailman will get the diseases AND THAT MOTHER FUCKER RAN OVER MY PET TURTLE. HE'S GONNA GET WHAT'S COMING TO HIM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z705k/little_johnny_goes_to_a_whorehouse_and_wants_a/
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How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb just burned out; this is not the time to discuss it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z703g/how_many_republicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Over half of UK KFC stores have closed down after switching chicken suppliers.

It was an original recipe for disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z6zsv/over_half_of_uk_kfc_stores_have_closed_down_after/
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A plane loses power at 22,000ft, and all the passengers start to freak out. A woman yells "I can't die like this, will no man here come and make me feel like a woman?"

A man gets off his seat, rips off his shirt and says "Here
Iron this"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z6y3e/a_plane_loses_power_at_22000ft_and_all_the/
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If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z6sgn/if_a_bluebird_has_blue_babies_and_a_redbird_has/
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What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out grandads pants?

Grandma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z6o68/whats_pink_and_wrinkly_and_hangs_out_grandads/
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During sex with my wife,

I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said "What the hell are you doing?"
And I was like "Hush, I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z6lq3/during_sex_with_my_wife/
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How to find out if you're old or not:

Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic, you’re old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z6ie6/how_to_find_out_if_youre_old_or_not/
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Two years ago, I married a lovely young virgin.

If that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z6hrt/two_years_ago_i_married_a_lovely_young_virgin/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z6hqt/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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Read an article today about the dangers of heavy drinking, it really scared the hell of out me.

So that's it! After today, no more reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z6gnl/read_an_article_today_about_the_dangers_of_heavy/
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How does an elephant get down from a tree?

It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z6fup/how_does_an_elephant_get_down_from_a_tree/
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What's a 6.9?

A really great thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z6ej8/whats_a_69/
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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z6agt/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
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Doctor... "I see your cough is getting better"

Patient ...." Yes, I've been practicing all night"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z69hh/doctor_i_see_your_cough_is_getting_better/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z670e/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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I have been messaging some 14 year old cutie.

Last night she told me she was an undercover cop. How cool is that for such a young age!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z66kh/i_have_been_messaging_some_14_year_old_cutie/
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A Man Walks into a Bar...

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."
The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happened, and his friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z63zh/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Bugs & Father...!

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z5xs3/bugs_father/
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How much does a million kilos of evangelism weigh?

A Billigraham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z5w7e/how_much_does_a_million_kilos_of_evangelism_weigh/
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Why do cows have hooves and not feet

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z5u3b/why_do_cows_have_hooves_and_not_feet/
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How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z5ro8/how_do_you_break_up_two_blind_guys_fighting/
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A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z5rgl/a_boy_paid_a_girl_10_to_climb_a_flagpole/
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Came to a sperm bank

Me "Thank you for that glass of milk earlier"
Sperm bank employee "what glass of milk?"
Me "The glass of milk that was on your desk"
Sperm bank employee "Oh my God !"
Me "What?"
Sperm bank employee "You drank my glass of milk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z5pyr/came_to_a_sperm_bank/
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Why are men better at video games than women?

Because men have their own joystick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z5pvf/why_are_men_better_at_video_games_than_women/
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Yesterday a redditer smashed a hole in my fence...

But he reassured me he could repost it within the hour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z5mip/yesterday_a_redditer_smashed_a_hole_in_my_fence/
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Why do showerheads in germany have 11 holes?

Because jews only have 10 fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z5l4r/why_do_showerheads_in_germany_have_11_holes/
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They're efficient and not very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z5g2y/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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My friend told me he'd failed his driving test for running over a rabbit

I said they couldn't fail you for that, he said they can when it's in the butcher's window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z5dou/my_friend_told_me_hed_failed_his_driving_test_for/
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An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country...

...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z5cjz/an_18_year_old_in_america_is_allowed_to_buy_an/
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I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes....

Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z5cbm/i_call_my_wife_bambi_she_thinks_its_because_shes/
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What do you call an undercover fruit?

An apricop
....I'll see my way out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z59ce/what_do_you_call_an_undercover_fruit/
%
A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding

I've read it. The evidence against them is damning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z57i1/a_new_study_proves_that_beavers_cause_extensive/
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A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the  male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he does not masturbate profusely every 2 hours, a blood clot would form and he would surely die.”
“Oh, I guess I can understand that.” Says the man. So they keep walking, and in the next room he finds a male patient receiving a blow job from a nurse. So the man turns to the nurse escorting him and proclaims, “Ok, now you have some explaining to do.” The nurse shrugs, and then replies, “Same problem, better healthcare.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z55ra/a_man_is_being_released_from_a_us_hospital/
%
What do you call an epileptic in a garden?

A seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z53aa/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_in_a_garden/
%
I didn't want to believe that my uncle had been stealing from the roads and traffic department ...

... but when the police raided his apartment, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z50km/i_didnt_want_to_believe_that_my_uncle_had_been/
%
What's the worst kind of illness to get at an airport?

Terminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z4zuh/whats_the_worst_kind_of_illness_to_get_at_an/
%
Don't know why calling someone a pussy means they're sensitive and weak

Those things can take a pounding!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z4twl/dont_know_why_calling_someone_a_pussy_means/
%
After hearing a loud crash, I looked out my window in horror as a crowd gathered around a motorcyclist that had had an accident. I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through! Let me through!"

A man in the crowd exclaimed, "Thank God! Are you a doctor?!"
I said, "No, that's my pizza!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z4tqr/after_hearing_a_loud_crash_i_looked_out_my_window/
%
Buddy and Edna

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old...
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.''
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z4t9n/buddy_and_edna/
%
I've never seen myself ejaculate.

Cool guys don't look at explosions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z4pf8/ive_never_seen_myself_ejaculate/
%
I've got a lying fetish.

I call my penis "Pinocchio".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z4p3h/ive_got_a_lying_fetish/
%
Constipation jokes aren't really my thing,

But they're a solid number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z4mda/constipation_jokes_arent_really_my_thing/
%
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin' off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z4l3k/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_cows_masturbating/
%
Little johnny still didn't shut up..........

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny." Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cos he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z4d7n/little_johnny_still_didnt_shut_up/
%
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z4ck7/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
How do you explain earth to a kid?

You don't. It's pretty self ex-planet-ory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z49jp/how_do_you_explain_earth_to_a_kid/
%
Baby Whale

says to Dad Whale, ‘Dad where did I come from?’
Dad Whale says, ‘ You came from me son, I put a seed in Mummy Whale and it grew into you’
Baby Whale says, ‘thanks Dad’
Dad Whale says, You’re Whalecum.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z46f9/baby_whale/
%
What do you call a gay French baker?

A faguette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z4653/what_do_you_call_a_gay_french_baker/
%
Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z41ch/why_do_they_bury_lawyers_under_20_feet_of_dirt/
%
My girlfriend made me drive out more than 33 miles just so she could dump me on live tv.

Then her bf Chris Hansen humiliated me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z3yen/my_girlfriend_made_me_drive_out_more_than_33/
%
Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?

So that's what they mean by RIP Inbox...
The Trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z3py5/minorities_have_the_race_card_women_have_the/
%
A man is late on his rent...

His landlord is threatening to evict him.
So he lies "I sent the payment last week I swear! Hey you know the old Czechoslovakian guy that lives below me, Jaroslav? I saw him going through everyone's mail the other day. He must have stole it!"
The landlord calls the cops and the elderly neighbor is arrested.
The next day when the neighbor's wife sees the man walking up to the apartment, she runs him over with her car.
He's laying in the emergency room telling the doctor the whole story while he's examined. He finally says "So how bad is it?"
The doctor looks at him and says "Well you're going to lose an arm and a leg but that's what you get for lying about the Czech being in the mail."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z3gxg/a_man_is_late_on_his_rent/
%
Honey, what's again the name of that German I am out of my mind about?

Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z3d9z/honey_whats_again_the_name_of_that_german_i_am/
%
What font do Japanese people use

Times new ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z3cd4/what_font_do_japanese_people_use/
%
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z3bm3/reporter_excuse_me_may_i_interview_you/
%
What do you call a dirty tailor?

A sewer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z3a1a/what_do_you_call_a_dirty_tailor/
%
A man is walking along the beach when...

...he trips over an antique lamp. A genie pours out, ominous and towering. "Thank you, kind soul," the genie says, "I have been trapped in that lamp for so long. You're a gentleman and a scholar for freeing me."
"I'm no such thing," says the man, "I'm a simple man with simple needs."
"Well, whatever they are," the genie replied, "you shall have them. I hereby grant you three wishes, as elaborate and grand as you like."
"That is mighty kind of you, but I told you I am a simple man. For my three wishes, I want only a place to live free from the bustle of everyday life, all the Jack Daniels I can drink, and a lifetime supply of Camel Crushes."
And just like that, POOF! He found himself nestled away in a delightful and remote cottage, packed to the brim with Jack Daniels, and he had the strongest urge to love a camel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z33rt/a_man_is_walking_along_the_beach_when/
%
What is a pirate's favorite letter?

P
Without it, they'd be irate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2zgy/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2zdl/a_scientist_is_trying_to_prove_that_all_blonds/
%
What do lesbians and alcoholics have in common?

Adickshun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2xnb/what_do_lesbians_and_alcoholics_have_in_common/
%
Where is a communist pirate from?

The USSAARRR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2xbo/where_is_a_communist_pirate_from/
%
I was going to tell you guys an anniversary joke

But I forgot it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2wqg/i_was_going_to_tell_you_guys_an_anniversary_joke/
%
What’s the hardest part about riding a bike?

The pavement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2wn2/whats_the_hardest_part_about_riding_a_bike/
%
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2u96/little_johnny_teacher_can_i_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
What do sperm whales have on their front porch?

A whalecum mat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2qv5/what_do_sperm_whales_have_on_their_front_porch/
%
A black guy at the cinema told me (a white guy) I wasn't allowed to watch Black Panther.

Apparently I have to "buy" a "ticket"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2oxl/a_black_guy_at_the_cinema_told_me_a_white_guy_i/
%
Tide is fully embracing their new consumers with their new Tide Pod containers...

They just changed their “active ingredients” to “nutrition facts”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2mrh/tide_is_fully_embracing_their_new_consumers_with/
%
Little billy wanted to smoke and drink.

Five year old Billy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
Billy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
The little boy answered no.
Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
Billy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Billy answered no, again.
Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, Billy came out of the house With a cookie.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!"
Billy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2lke/little_billy_wanted_to_smoke_and_drink/
%
A teacher asks her student about his favorite tree...

Teacher: "Bob, which tree do you love most?"
Bob: "The eucalyptus is pretty"
Teacher: "That's nice. How do you spell eucalyptus?"
Bob: "Yep, can't go wrong with a good solid oak"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2jpr/a_teacher_asks_her_student_about_his_favorite_tree/
%
What do you call an Asian with only one leg?

Tie won shoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2ixn/what_do_you_call_an_asian_with_only_one_leg/
%
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common?

They can smell it, but they can’t eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2foi/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?...

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2fdd/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
Why is there no black character in the game clue?

Because it would be called solved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2ddl/why_is_there_no_black_character_in_the_game_clue/
%
Organized a threesome last night

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a pretty great time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z26o7/organized_a_threesome_last_night/
%
A Redditor got bored and decided to try an experiment...

There was a case of Coca Cola in the corner of the basement, next to a case of store-brand Cola. He decided to test the effects of each on the ants that infested the basement. He spilled a small puddle of each on the floor and watched as the ants crowded around the sugary liquids. At some point the Redditor's mom came down the stairs and asked what he was doing. When he explained, she asked, "is there any difference between the two Colas?" Stroking his neckbeard, the Redditor pointed to the ants on the floor. "See these ones, scurrying around like mad? Now look at these other ones, which are moving much slower. Well, the real Coke is in the calm ants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z2459/a_redditor_got_bored_and_decided_to_try_an/
%
My wife...

My wife knows the way to the women's abuse center like the back of my hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z23y8/my_wife/
%
There is at least one great philosophy in each of Brad Bird's films

The Incredibles: "When everyone's special, nobody is."
Ratatouille: "Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere."
The Iron Giant: "Screw our country, I want to live."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z1ytu/there_is_at_least_one_great_philosophy_in_each_of/
%
A nun is leaving church one evening.....

A nun is leaving church one winter evening after mass. As she exits she sees two alter boys laying in the snow completely naked. The nun approaches the boys and says "Dear lord!  What are u boys doing out here naked in the snow?" One of the boys looks up at her and says,
"Father John likes to have a couple cold ones after mass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z1v3z/a_nun_is_leaving_church_one_evening/
%
Africa jokes are like Africans

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z1r1v/africa_jokes_are_like_africans/
%
Men who don't use condoms are more responsible than ones that do.

They have a baby to take care of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z1obc/men_who_dont_use_condoms_are_more_responsible/
%
I sometimes wish I had a small penis.

Instead of a micro one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z1o0w/i_sometimes_wish_i_had_a_small_penis/
%
Have you ever smelled moth balls?

Yes? How'd you get their tiny legs apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z1ny8/have_you_ever_smelled_moth_balls/
%
A woman in labor yells...

"CAN'T! DIDN'T! SHOULDN'T!"
Her doctor says "Wow, these contractions are coming fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z1ncn/a_woman_in_labor_yells/
%
What did the Jewish man do when he wanted tea?

Hebrew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z1juc/what_did_the_jewish_man_do_when_he_wanted_tea/
%
"Ramen."

- Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z1ioh/ramen/
%
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z1io8/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
%
Kevin Spacey is no longer going to be an actor. He's going to teach guitar.

Be cause he's good at fingering A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z1gzn/kevin_spacey_is_no_longer_going_to_be_an_actor/
%
Scientists in China have successfully cloned two macaque monkeys.

It's quite impossible to tell them apart, said one of the monkeys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z1eih/scientists_in_china_have_successfully_cloned_two/
%
I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.

I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through." A man at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?" I said, "No, that's my fucking Pizza."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z1dio/i_looked_out_of_my_window_in_horror_yesterday_as/
%
Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?
There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner.
Next the pot is placed on the floor with the same instructions. The physicist once again picks it up, places it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematician picks it up and puts it on the table, thus reducing it to a problem that's already been solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z19vt/math_hole_told_to_me_20_years_ago_by_a_professor/
%
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent, lilting and song-like, appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z13uc/i_was_at_the_bar_the_other_night_and_overheard/
%
What's the worst thing to say at an orphanage?

Do you have this in a different color?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z1075/whats_the_worst_thing_to_say_at_an_orphanage/
%
What’s the difference between a baby and a guitar?

My guitar doesn’t turn blue when I string up it’s neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z0tvs/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_guitar/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z0npe/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
Dad and his son are sitting on the front porch.

Meanwhile a column of cars are passing by and honking their horns.
"Dad why are they honking their horns?" asked the son.
"They are going to a wedding" responds the father
"But in school we learned that horns should be used only as a warning"
"Exactly..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z0mv1/dad_and_his_son_are_sitting_on_the_front_porch/
%
A man walks onto a bus and sits next to a woman.

Another woman gets on board and had nowhere to sit, so the seated woman said to the man, "If you were a gentleman, you'd stand up and give the lady your seat."
The man replies, "If you were a lady, you'd stand up and give 5 people your seats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z0ils/a_man_walks_onto_a_bus_and_sits_next_to_a_woman/
%
Anger management

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of my anger is to write letters to the people i hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I am wondering, do I still keep the letters?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z0hh8/anger_management/
%
I went on a date with a girl I’d talked to briefly on Facebook.

After a while she said to me -
“What’s up? You seem disappointed.”
“Oh nothing, it’s just you don’t look anything like your profile picture”
“That’s my 12 year old daughter”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z0799/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_girl_id_talked_to_briefly/
%
A good two line joke

Parallel lines have so much in common,
It's a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z04hh/a_good_two_line_joke/
%
Sex with Bill Cosby is like watching Ghost Dad.

You'll fall asleep two minutes in, and won't want to admit it happened for the next 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z02ty/sex_with_bill_cosby_is_like_watching_ghost_dad/
%
What is the difference between a Walmart employee and a large pepperoni pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7z00xb/what_is_the_difference_between_a_walmart_employee/
%
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands...

Unfortunately, there is no cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yzt8x/ive_been_diagnosed_with_a_type_of_amnesia_where_i/
%
Stop saying "I wish", and start saying "I will."

I will my parents loved me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yzrqw/stop_saying_i_wish_and_start_saying_i_will/
%
Why is Stephen such a neutral name?

Because its pH is in the middle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yzqal/why_is_stephen_such_a_neutral_name/
%
Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.

The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack.  The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.
He kicks one.  From the sack, a sound comes out:  Meow!
"Must be a cat."  He moves on.
Kicks the second sack: Woof! Woof!!
"Must be a dog."  He moves on.
He kicks the third sack:  The sack says: "Potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yzqa5/three_boys_are_hanging_around_a_farm_trying_to/
%
My Wife and the worst pain.

My Wife said to me yesterday, I think the worst pain in the world is child birth, I said no, the worst pain in the world is a kick in the bollocks, she said how do you work that out? I replied, well after a couple of years, you will say, can we have another Baby? I do not look up and say can I have another kick in the bollocks..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yzov0/my_wife_and_the_worst_pain/
%
Whats another term for a warm 80s drink?

Mr. Tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yzgxf/whats_another_term_for_a_warm_80s_drink/
%
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yzfh8/i_called_the_cops_about_a_murder_on_my_front_lawn/
%
A woman screams as she gives birth...

“What’s wrong, honey?” her husband asks.
“What’s wrong?!?!” the woman shouts,
“THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!”
“Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yzbx4/a_woman_screams_as_she_gives_birth/
%
A guy with LED Light up shoes at work, excitingly proclaims "Look at my shoes! They light up when I walk away!"

His annoyed co-worker sarcastically replies: "Doesn't everyone?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yz2oh/a_guy_with_led_light_up_shoes_at_work_excitingly/
%
I’ll give up my thesaurus...

when you pry it from my frosty, frozen, lifeless, stiff extremities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yyz4a/ill_give_up_my_thesaurus/
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How the dirty mind works..!

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yywy9/how_the_dirty_mind_works/
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Why does the Earth make fun of the moon?

Because it has no life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yyvon/why_does_the_earth_make_fun_of_the_moon/
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I would tell my friend his math jokes are average at best.

But that's just being Mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yyvgg/i_would_tell_my_friend_his_math_jokes_are_average/
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The American Bobsledding Team has made Millions of Dollars

Because they are great at banking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yyuyi/the_american_bobsledding_team_has_made_millions/
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Metallica and Nonmetallica should come together...

To form a ionic band

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yyrub/metallica_and_nonmetallica_should_come_together/
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Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yyp8v/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_construction/
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A Blonde went to the doctor for a routine physical.

“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.” A few minutes later the blonde came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yyoh1/a_blonde_went_to_the_doctor_for_a_routine_physical/
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What’s the difference between caps lock and prison?

Nothing they both transform your o in O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yynhi/whats_the_difference_between_caps_lock_and_prison/
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People in Dubai don't like "The Flintstones"

But people in Abu Dhabi Do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yyi76/people_in_dubai_dont_like_the_flintstones/
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Why do stormtroopers always make the best boyfriends?

Because they always miss you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yyfjc/why_do_stormtroopers_always_make_the_best/
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What makes9/10 people happy?

Gang bang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yyery/what_makes910_people_happy/
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A boy asks his Redditor father about his older sister.

Boy: "Daddy, why is my sister's name Lily?"
Dad: "Because your mother loves lilies".
Boy: "Thanks, dad".
Dad: "No problem, Reposti".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yyc45/a_boy_asks_his_redditor_father_about_his_older/
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My wife is a sex object

Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yy8ia/my_wife_is_a_sex_object/
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I came home the other day and found a note on the refrigerator.

It said,  This isn't working,  I've gone to my mother's.  So I opened the fridge and the light came on and the beer was cold, so I don't know what the fuck she's talking about.  But I hope she's back from her visit to make my supper ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yy7ld/i_came_home_the_other_day_and_found_a_note_on_the/
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How do you know that you are at a gay BBQ?

The hotdogs taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yy50i/how_do_you_know_that_you_are_at_a_gay_bbq/
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What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yy0ni/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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The bigger your shoes, the bigger your...

So the bigger the person's shoes are the bigger their dick. The bigger their car is, the smaller the dick.
No wonder people are so afraid of clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yxycd/the_bigger_your_shoes_the_bigger_your/
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Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yxv8i/before_your_criticize_someone_walk_a_mile_in/
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A politician passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates........

St. Peter greets him. “Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which one to pick?” the politician replies. “We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide.” The politician agrees and is sent to the heavenly realm first.
The experience is okay. He mostly sits around on the clouds singing and playing the harp, and exchanging some pleasant conversation with the angels. He goes back to Peter the next day, and is sent to hell this time.
The elevator arrives at the bottom, and the doors open. He is in a beautiful garden, it’s sunny, and there is a nearby golf course. A bar in the pristine looking garden keeps the drinks flowing: beer, cocktails, wine, whiskey, whatever the heart could imagine. There is also a buffet. All his friends and family that have passed away are there, and they greet him cheerfully. Even Satan is there, and he ends up being a really nice and cool guy who assists the politician in whatever he can. After chatting with them for awhile, the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen comes to him, and they end up having the best sex he has ever experienced.
At the end of the day, the politician goes back to St. Peter. “I hope you enjoyed the tryouts sir. What do you choose, heaven or hell?” The politician replies “well Peter to be honest heaven is great and all, but I really enjoyed hell a lot more. I’d like to go there.”
His wish is granted. When the elevator doors open in hell, he is greeted by horror. The whole place is dark and gloomy, his friends are screaming as they are burning in pits of fire, and demons walk around beating with pitch forks those who try to escape the flames.
The politician walks up to Satan and demands an explanation. “Yesterday it was so nice! A garden, golf, beautiful women, free food and drinks. Yet today you are torturing my friends. What the heck man?” The devil (no longer friendly and cool as he was the day before) smiles slyly. “Sorry for the mixup. But you are a politician, so surely you understand: yesterday we were campaigning, but today you voted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yxta9/a_politician_passes_away_and_arrives_at_the/
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Where did the pirate get his hook?

From a second hand store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yxsyp/where_did_the_pirate_get_his_hook/
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I Take Jumbo Pickles Very Seriously

I mean, it's a pretty big dill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yxr7f/i_take_jumbo_pickles_very_seriously/
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This woman came up to me on the train.

She said, "Hello, sir. Ticket, please."
I said, " Fuck off. Get your own."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yxk95/this_woman_came_up_to_me_on_the_train/
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[LONG] Mistakes were made

A couple decides to go on vacation at a Caribbean resort, in the same place they had passed their honeymoon twenty years before.
Unfortunately, due to issues on the workplace, the wife cannot go, but she tells her husband to go regardless, because she would have reached him a couple days after.
When he arrives in his room, he finds out that there is a computer with Internet access, so he decides to send a mail to his wife. However, he makes a mistake while typing the destination address.
The e-mail is received by an old widow that was just coming back from her husband's funeral, and she decided to check her mailbox. Soon after, her son comes back home, and finds his mother fainted, head on the keybord. On the screen, this e-mail:
"Love of my life, at last I have arrived. You'll probably be surprised to receive mails by me from here, but as of now they have computers here too, so it is possible to write messages to loved ones.
As soon as I could, I started preparing the place for you in prevision of your coming next friday... I am looking forward to seeing you, and I hope your journey will be as pleasant as mine.
P.S.: Make sure to bring very light clothes, it is hella hot in this place!"
==================
Not a mothertongue, sorry for the mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yxj1i/long_mistakes_were_made/
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A redditor forgot his e-mail password, so he tried to change it. Here's how it went

"penis"
-Password to short-
"bigpenis"
-Password needs to contain at least one number-
"12inchpenisdammit"
-Password needs to contain at least one symbol
"12'penisforfuckssake"
-Passwords needs to contain at least one upper case letter-
"Jesusmotherfuckingchristmotherfucking12'penisgodmotherfuckingdammit"
-New password cannot be the same as old password-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yxitc/a_redditor_forgot_his_email_password_so_he_tried/
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Jack and Jill ran up a hill.

So Jack could lick her candy. But Jack was in shock from a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name was Randy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yxeff/jack_and_jill_ran_up_a_hill/
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I wish my grass was emo

So it could cut itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yxb0a/i_wish_my_grass_was_emo/
%
I've never forgiven the Nazis for what they did to my grandfather.

12 hours a day he sat in that machine gun nest and no-one even brought him a cup of tea...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yxaix/ive_never_forgiven_the_nazis_for_what_they_did_to/
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Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

Because they outgrew their B-Shells.  😉

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yx8c9/why_do_mermaids_wear_sea_shells/
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A camel meets an elephant!

A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yx842/a_camel_meets_an_elephant/
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When I die

, I want to die peacefully like my grandpa, not screaming like the passengers in his car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yx76u/when_i_die/
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A poor Irish boy lives on a farm with his family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.
One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.
"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.
The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.
"I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.
The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.
"I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.
The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.
"Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky.
Poof! A female leprechaun appears.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies.
The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.
The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?"
The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold.
The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?"
She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion."
The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?"
She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland."
The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?"
"What do you mean?" says the leprechaun.
"The cow didn't."
Edit 2: Thanks stranger for popping my gold cherry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ywsrd/a_poor_irish_boy_lives_on_a_farm_with_his_family/
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What's the difference between fish and meat?

If you beat your fish, it will die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ywpx6/whats_the_difference_between_fish_and_meat/
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What do Redditors say when they are not sure if their joke is funny?

Simple, _My 4 years old daughter came up with this_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ywjxv/what_do_redditors_say_when_they_are_not_sure_if/
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What is the average of 5, 8, 17, N, and N?

Whatever number you want, because the N's justify the mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ywjjs/what_is_the_average_of_5_8_17_n_and_n/
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I asked my grandpa..

I asked my grandpa: “After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”
Grandpa: “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m scared to ask her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ywgs1/i_asked_my_grandpa/
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If republicans say liberal = libtard

Then i guess republican = retard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ywg72/if_republicans_say_liberal_libtard/
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A Horse walks into a bar

The Bartender says “Hey”
The Horse says “You read my mind dude!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ywfhw/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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I read that Logic's touching performance at the Grammys tripled calls to the suicide prevention line,

Apparently Fergie's national anthem more than quintupled them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ywe56/i_read_that_logics_touching_performance_at_the/
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What do you call an ISIS member who has a 100 lovers?

A shepherd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ywanu/what_do_you_call_an_isis_member_who_has_a_100/
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How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh don't worry about me I'll just sit here in the dark. It's not like I need light to sit here all alone by myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yw577/how_many_jewish_mothers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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The wife looks at herself in the mirror and complain to her husband: “I am so ugly and wrinkle and fat. Do I even have any good traits?”

The husband put down his newspaper and slowly answer: “Your eyesight is excellent darling”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yvy75/the_wife_looks_at_herself_in_the_mirror_and/
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I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yvtdj/ive_never_understood_how_the_nazis_couldnt_find/
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How can you tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yvsmu/how_can_you_tell_how_heavy_a_red_hot_chili_pepper/
%
Kim Jong un would be great at call of duty

If team kills counted twords the "nuke" scorestreak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yvrzv/kim_jong_un_would_be_great_at_call_of_duty/
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My wife is upset and jealous about the one night stand I had.

We are going to go out and buy one for her side of the bed today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yvrb5/my_wife_is_upset_and_jealous_about_the_one_night/
%
Four kids were arrested for feeding the elephants in a zoo when there was a rule stating they couldn’t do so.

At the court, the judge asked the four kids to state their name and what they had done.
Kid 1 : “My name is John, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 2 : “My name is David, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 3 : “My name is Arthur, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 4 : “My name is Peanuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yvq3l/four_kids_were_arrested_for_feeding_the_elephants/
%
What´s the difference between an irish funeral and an irish wedding?

At the funeral one person isnt drinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yvhh7/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_funeral_and/
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The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. Astonishing! said the truck driver to the crew chief. “What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?” Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yvgp1/the_driver_of_a_huge_trailer_lost_control_of_his/
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Sounds logical

Q; If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yvg0p/sounds_logical/
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What did The Rock go by after he became a washed up actor?

The Sediment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yvf5s/what_did_the_rock_go_by_after_he_became_a_washed/
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Saint Peter has a day off...

... so Jesus takes his place. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates.
Jesus: Hello. Name?
Man: Joseph.
Jesus: What did you do for a living?
Man: Well...I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Have you made any good to humanity?
Man: Oh yes. I raised a child that revolutionized the world.
After along pause... Of thinking how much of a coincidence it is... Of re-reading what he wrote down. Jesus look up. Tears in his eyes.
Jesus: DAD?!
Man: PINOCCHIO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yveg1/saint_peter_has_a_day_off/
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So Roger Federer retired from his tennis career

He got bored so he started working as a waiter at a restaurant for fun. When he had to bring his first meal to a customer, he suddenly grabbed his tennis racket, threw the meal in the air and smacked it with his racket, against the wall. The customer freaked out. 'WHAT THE HELL!? I'M CALLING THE MANAGER!' The manager, who was watching the situation from the kitchen, walked to Roger and immediately offered him a pay raise. The customer got furious. 'AND YOU'RE GIVING HIM A PAY RAISE NOW? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?' the manager replied: 'What are you talking about? That was an excellent service!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yve1p/so_roger_federer_retired_from_his_tennis_career/
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What do you call a skeleton key?

A Spookey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yvdlb/what_do_you_call_a_skeleton_key/
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You know which phrase I really hate?

Pet peeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yva5n/you_know_which_phrase_i_really_hate/
%
When interviewer asks you what you make at your current job

Apparently they don't expect you to say stupid mistakes and inappropriate comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yv9vu/when_interviewer_asks_you_what_you_make_at_your/
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My girlfriend finally got over her period

seriously, it made Valentine's Day such a pain in the ass for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yv7xc/my_girlfriend_finally_got_over_her_period/
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Wife: I am having an affair

Me:
*handing the menu to the waiter*
-I'll have the affair as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yv7rx/wife_i_am_having_an_affair/
%
Dogs can't get an MRI

But Catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yv5th/dogs_cant_get_an_mri/
%
The other day, I was having ‘NSFW’

The other day, I was having sex with this married woman, when her husband came home early.
She told me I’d have to use the back door and said I’d have to be quick.
On reflection, I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yv5fo/the_other_day_i_was_having_nsfw/
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when i die I want it to be from being hit by a falling piano

That way my life ends on a dramatic note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yv1zi/when_i_die_i_want_it_to_be_from_being_hit_by_a/
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A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips. "Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yv0uy/a_hungry_traveler_stopped_at_a_monastery_and_was/
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A schoolboy rescues President Trump

A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump* drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.
The president* is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.
"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.
“A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair?” the president asks.
“Well,” the boy explains, “when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.”
*(Edit: This is a joke. Replace name of President you don't like for taste).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yuwrd/a_schoolboy_rescues_president_trump/
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The only thing worse than her spitting on your grave...

...is her swallowing on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yutqn/the_only_thing_worse_than_her_spitting_on_your/
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My friend set me up on a date. He told me she constantly make Shrek references. I was pretty sceptical

but then I saw her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yutm3/my_friend_set_me_up_on_a_date_he_told_me_she/
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A Roman soldier walks into a bar

He holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yuthq/a_roman_soldier_walks_into_a_bar/
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My 8-year-old son made this joke yesterday:

"Dad, let's play some catch after you're back from the store buying cigarettes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yuprc/my_8yearold_son_made_this_joke_yesterday/
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A penguin was driving through Vegas

...when suddenly his car stopped working, so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.
When he got there, the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot, so he asked the mechanic where he could cool down.
The mechanic says, "There is an ice cream parlour a few blocks up the street," so the penguin thanked him, and waddled up to the parlour.
When he got there he ordered the biggest cup of vanilla ice cream they had.
After enjoying his ice cream for a while, he started to head back to the mechanic.
When he got back the mechanic said , "Hey it looks like you blew a seal."
“Oh, no no no,” The penguin said, wiping his mouth, “ it's just vanilla ice cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yuojb/a_penguin_was_driving_through_vegas/
%
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You won't hear an enzyme in a brothel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yuod6/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
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I dated a girl in a wheelchair. Didn't go well.

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around. I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yujt7/i_dated_a_girl_in_a_wheelchair_didnt_go_well/
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Where do fish store their money?

In the riverbank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yuj9b/where_do_fish_store_their_money/
%
Islamic extremist sex dolls

They blow themselves up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yuhzk/islamic_extremist_sex_dolls/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yuh8i/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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9/10 people.

Accordion to research, 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yugqi/910_people/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yugm5/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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Why do scuba divers dive backwards to go into the water?

Because if they dived forward, they'd fall in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yubz6/why_do_scuba_divers_dive_backwards_to_go_into_the/
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If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users

Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yu6lg/if_mac_users_care_more_about_the_environment_more/
%
Guard: Get in your cell

Prisoner: You can't make me. You don't run this cell.
Guard: *rips mask off to reveal mitochondria*
Actually, I do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yu1a1/guard_get_in_your_cell/
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Why should one cut the sides of a medicine before consuming it??

To avoid side-effects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yu0kg/why_should_one_cut_the_sides_of_a_medicine_before/
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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ytyup/an_israeli_soldier_who_just_enlisted_asked_the/
%
What do black people and bison have in common?

Bye son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ytw7t/what_do_black_people_and_bison_have_in_common/
%
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married

I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ytl55/my_son_wanted_to_know_what_its_like_to_be_married/
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Did you know Bill Cosby likes pudding?

Pudding his penis where it doesn't belong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ytkyq/did_you_know_bill_cosby_likes_pudding/
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The night wouldn’t give you a boner...

...but the morning would.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ytinh/the_night_wouldnt_give_you_a_boner/
%
Farm Inspection

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."
I said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....,"
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....on my land!! No questions asked or answers given!! I have made my self clear?....Do you understand?!!!"
I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull..... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get stuffed before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs....
"Your badge, show him your fucking badge!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ytg1k/farm_inspection/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate it’s tits a lot.
^^(is this old and stale or...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ytegg/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
Why do snipers always close one eye when they aim?

Because they can't aim if they close two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ytdei/why_do_snipers_always_close_one_eye_when_they_aim/
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A young student asks his teacher....

“Teacher, may I go to the bathroom?”
The teacher replies, “Sure, but first you must recite your ABC’s.”
The kid then stands up and recites, “ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ”
The teacher then says, “where is the P?”
And the kid replies, “It’s dripping down my leg.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ytcjn/a_young_student_asks_his_teacher/
%
A group of blind people make a band called ABDB

It's like ACDC, but they can't C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ytcek/a_group_of_blind_people_make_a_band_called_abdb/
%
My ex held the car door open for me

Would have been a nice move but we were going 120 km/h down a highway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ytbuw/my_ex_held_the_car_door_open_for_me/
%
Why is it easy to get into a pirate college?

Because you only need high Cs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ytbkh/why_is_it_easy_to_get_into_a_pirate_college/
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The Doctor comes out of the delivery room into the waiting room, holding the newborn infant girl, and says to the father excitedly,

"Oh my goodness, you won't believe it! Your daughter was born with the most incredible powers! She can fly, watch!"
The Doctor then proceeds to give the baby a little toss into the air, where it comes down with a sickening thud.
"OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?", the father screams, horrified.
"No no, trust me. She can fly, I just saw her do it!"
The Doctor proceeds to scoop the baby off the ground, then toss her a bit higher in the air. She bounces slightly off a light fixture before once again landing on the floor with a bit more of a crunch.
"ARE YOU INSANE? STOP!!"
"No no, trust me, she just did it a second ago in the other room, here watch this"
The doctor opens a window and proceeds to toss the baby out, where it immediately plummets several stories to the ground and lands with a loud pop.
"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO MY NEWBORN DAUGHTER, YOU MONSTER?"
"Ah, relax." The Doctor says. "I'm just messing with you. She was stillborn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yt7tt/the_doctor_comes_out_of_the_delivery_room_into/
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Because it ruins the joke!

Why should you never put the punchline in the title?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yt5xo/because_it_ruins_the_joke/
%
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.......

She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
“Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter, “it’s only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.”
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams “Oh my God,” says the old lady, “now what is happening?”
“Not to worry,” says St. Peter, “She’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.”
“I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m going to hell.”
“You can’t go there,” says St. Peter. “You’ll be raped and sodomized.”
“Maybe so,” says the old lady, “but I’ve already got the holes for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yt3t0/an_old_lady_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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The Blowjob Barrel

A man starts a construction job. His first day of work is very strenuous, he makes a new friend who shows him the ropes throughout the day. He realizes his friend is working harder then him and has a huge smile on his face while working.
At the end of their long day. The man asks “why do you look so happy. This job is exhausting and the pay is not great. The man replies by saying “the end of the day makes it all worth while” the man then walks the newcomer to the back of the construction site where he sees a barrel with a hole in it.
The man tells the newcomer to stick his dick in the hole. The newcomer is hesitant but listens. The man receives the best blowjob of his life. He is so ecstatic he comes to work the next day happy and ready to work.
After the long shift ends the 2 men go back to the barrel. The newcomer is excited sees the barrel and says he can not wait to find out how his blowjob will be this time. The man stops the newcomer and tells him.
“You can get a blowjob every day after work...besides today”
The newcomer is confused. He asks why not today. The man says.
“because today you are in the barrel”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yt35d/the_blowjob_barrel/
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When a husband brings home some flowers... NSFW

The first lady says: 'My husband brought home some flowers yesterday and so I had to open my legs.'
'Why?' The other lady replies incredulously, 'Don't you have a vase.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yt28f/when_a_husband_brings_home_some_flowers_nsfw/
%
What do you call a high lizard?

A mariguana!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yt23r/what_do_you_call_a_high_lizard/
%
Waiter: What else can I get for the lovely couple?

Girl: Oh gosh, haha no, we're just friends.
Guy: You can get us two checks.
Girl: Excuse me?
Guy: Also please don't forget she had 2 soda refills, I know you guys charge extra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ysvgv/waiter_what_else_can_i_get_for_the_lovely_couple/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ysuli/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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My grandfather had the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban to the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ystya/my_grandfather_had_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
What do you call a thing that eats reddit posts?

A predditor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ysofc/what_do_you_call_a_thing_that_eats_reddit_posts/
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How did Jesus get so muscular and shredded?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ysnhm/how_did_jesus_get_so_muscular_and_shredded/
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What do you call an incredibly strong STD?

Herpules
(This joke has been brought to you by my 14 yr old son)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yslfm/what_do_you_call_an_incredibly_strong_std/
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I thought opening the door for a lady was the polite thing to do..

But she just screamed and flew out the plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ysjlb/i_thought_opening_the_door_for_a_lady_was_the/
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A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ysi1t/a_man_was_having_premature_ejaculation_problems/
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Vaccines kill people.

100% of people who used vaccines either have died or will die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ysghh/vaccines_kill_people/
%
Newton's 4th Law

A student in bed will remain in bed unless acted upon by a large enough panic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ysefs/newtons_4th_law/
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Lame search

Guy dies of heart attack and goes straight to the line that leads to the gates of heaven. When in there, the guy immediately behind him asks him: hey, what did you die of? He says: oh, I got earlier from work at home, saw some man’s clothes in my house, thought my wife was cheating on me and started searching around the house for her lover, couldn’t find him, got really stressed out in the process, had a heart attack and ended up here. To which the other guy says: dude, had you looked in the fridge we’d both be alive now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ysafi/lame_search/
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Two cows are grazing in a field...

One cow says to the other, "Are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says, "Why should I be? I'm a helicopter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ys8po/two_cows_are_grazing_in_a_field/
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When my wife left me I was in a terrible state.

Indiana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ys5gl/when_my_wife_left_me_i_was_in_a_terrible_state/
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Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?

Because she’s a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ys3jy/why_was_helen_keller_a_bad_driver/
%
A guy with a stutter died in prison

before he could finish his sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ys32m/a_guy_with_a_stutter_died_in_prison/
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Health tip

If a women drinks two glasses of wine a night, it increases the likelihood of a stroke.
If she drinks the whole bottle, then she's likely to throw in a blowjob as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ys1hg/health_tip/
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A beautiful woman

is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies. The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ys0sw/a_beautiful_woman/
%
A woman gets home, whirls her car into the driveway, runs into the house, and yells,

"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter....just get the hell out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yrzge/a_woman_gets_home_whirls_her_car_into_the/
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Ailerons?

That’s how I roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yrysu/ailerons/
%
What did the bilingual cow say?

Oink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yrwgl/what_did_the_bilingual_cow_say/
%
What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?

A toad says “ribbit ribbit” and a horny toad says “rubbit rubbit”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yrqth/whats_the_difference_between_a_toad_and_a_horny/
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Relationships are a lot like yard sales...

they look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's a bunch of crap you don't need.
(Christian Finnegan)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yrogw/relationships_are_a_lot_like_yard_sales/
%
How does the moon cut It's hair?

Eclipse it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yrlzd/how_does_the_moon_cut_its_hair/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all die and end up at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter welcomes them all in.
He says, as per standard Heaven protocol, for your first 100 years you get one of anything you like, unlimited, with no consequences.
The Englishman says "Well I really like sex, can I have 200 horny 18 year old stunners to play around with?". St.Peter says "Sure, no problem, go in that room, and I'll come check on you in 100 years. Have fun!"
The Scotsman says "Well I really like my drinking, can I have an unlimited amount of the finest Scotch whisky and not ever get a hangover?". "You got it, no problem" says St. Peter. "I'll see you in 100 years, have a blast!".
The Irishman says "I really like smoking. Can I have an unlimited amount of cigarettes and chain smoke constantly without coughing up?". St. Peter replies "Of course you can! I'll see you in a hundred years to see how you're getting on. Have a good one!".
One hundred years pass and St. Peter goes to check on his guests. He opens the door to the Englishman and says "Well how was it? The Englishman replies "Best time ever, this truly is Heaven". He then goes to the Scotsman's door and opens it. "How was it?" "Aye laddy, that's some fine Scotch, still can't get enough of it, absolute bliss". St. Peter then goes to check on the Irishman. He opens the door and the Irishman pounces on him and says "For the love of God, does anyone have a lighter!!?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yrkdw/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_all_die/
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A Roman Centurion walks into a bar...

and orders a martinus. The bartender says "don't you mean martini?" The Centurion says "hey look buddy, if I wanted more than one, I would've asked for that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yrizn/a_roman_centurion_walks_into_a_bar/
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Boris and Vasily Go To The Beach

Two Ukraine men go to beach to see hot chicks. They take off clothes put on Speedo then go to sand. As they stand, many hot chicks look at and talk sexy to Vasily. Not so for Boris. When walk on sand, hot chicks look at Vasily. Not look Boris.
Finally Boris say, "All hot chicks be liking you, Vasily. No hot chicks look or talk to me. What is your trick, comrade?"
Vasily lean close and say, "Every time I go beach, I take large potato and put in Speedo. Hot chicks look at bulge and go crazy. You try tomorrow!"
Next day Vasily and an excited Boris go beach. Remove clothes and put on Speedo. Vasily say to Boris, "Not forget potato!". Laugh.
They go to sand and Vasily say, "Boris, you walk up and down sand now. Hot chicks go crazy!"
Boris start walking up and down sand, back and forth for many minutes. Finally, Boris walk to Vasily with sad face. "Why sad face?", Vasily ask.
Boris say "I walk sand many time. Stop and show off new bulge. No hot chicks talk to me. Many laugh! What do wrong?"
Vasily perplexed. He put hands on hips and look at Boris head to toe. Finally Vasily say, "Maybe next time you put potato in front of Speedo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yrhil/boris_and_vasily_go_to_the_beach/
%
I could never be a doctor

I don’t have the patients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yreu8/i_could_never_be_a_doctor/
%
I met a beautiful girl at the park last night

Sparks flew and she fell at my feet. We ended up having sex right then and there.
I love my new taser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yr9yc/i_met_a_beautiful_girl_at_the_park_last_night/
%
So my ex girlfriend called me told me she has clamydia...

it didnt surprise me
she was always a shellfish lover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yqz7o/so_my_ex_girlfriend_called_me_told_me_she_has/
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My Daughter told me this adorkable meta joke today (she's 5).

Her: Daddy, knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Her: Pete and Repeat are in a boat, Pete jumps out, Who's left?
Me: (sigh) Pete and Repeat are in a boat, Pete jumps out, who's left, who?
Her: Repeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yquwj/my_daughter_told_me_this_adorkable_meta_joke/
%
Why don't you see more midget waiters?

They have to be paid under the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yqt4b/why_dont_you_see_more_midget_waiters/
%
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He was drinking coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yqsnp/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
Did you know?

The pool on the Titanic is still filled with water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yqrb0/did_you_know/
%
A 32 year old Florida man has died after overdosing on his homeopathic regimen.

He forgot to take his pills.
Credit to the great James Randi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yqgez/a_32_year_old_florida_man_has_died_after/
%
A lot of East Slavic peoples lives must be pretty fast paced....

...I mean, most of them are always Russian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yqfwi/a_lot_of_east_slavic_peoples_lives_must_be_pretty/
%
I found a green vegetable in the shape of a clock. But I won't eat it.

Not for the time bean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yqf47/i_found_a_green_vegetable_in_the_shape_of_a_clock/
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Three guys go hunting...

Three guys, a Samoan, a Hawaiian, and a Portuguese, all go hunting on different days.
The Samoan goes on the first day and comes back with a piglet.
The other two ask him how he caught it and he replied “I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and got the game”.
The next day, the Hawaiian goes out to hunt and comes back with a buck.
The other two asked him how he caught the buck and he replied “I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and got the game”.
The next day, the Portuguese went out to hunt and doesn’t come back for 6 days.  After he came back, he looks injured badly.
The other two asked him what happened and he replied “I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and got hit by the train”.
Credit to my Aunt, for telling me the joke. Thought I’d share it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yqd55/three_guys_go_hunting/
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Two muffins are in an oven

One turns to the other and says, “boy, it sure is hot in here!”
The other muffin replies, “Ahhhhh a talking muffin!!!!!”
(I’m terrible at jokes and this is the only one that I consistently don’t f*k up and my husband actually laughs when I tell it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yq9bp/two_muffins_are_in_an_oven/
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Apple have officially rebranded with the name APPLE

Due to their obsession with capitalising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yq53q/apple_have_officially_rebranded_with_the_name/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ypvob/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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I'm really going to butcher this joke...

Well, it's already in two parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ypsb7/im_really_going_to_butcher_this_joke/
%
Fergie sang that anthem so bad

Kaepernick stood up and told her not to disrespect the anthem like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ypp8l/fergie_sang_that_anthem_so_bad/
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A priest is playing golf with a sailor.

The sailor uses salty language each time he misses. "Goddammit, I missed!"
The priest warns him not to curse in God's name.
The sailor misses again. "Goddammit I missed!"
The priest cautions him again.
The sailor misses a third time. "Goddammit I missed!"
The skies open up and the hand of God casts down a bolt of furious vengeance which completely obliterates... the priest.
The sailor looks up into the sky.
A booming voice from heaven says "Goddammit, I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ypmd0/a_priest_is_playing_golf_with_a_sailor/
%
Dropped a dad joke bomb on an unsuspecting game stop employee

In Game Stop yesterday with my teenaged son, the the cashier asked me if I was ok buying a game that was rated T for teen, I replied "Of course, he is Four Teen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yplv0/dropped_a_dad_joke_bomb_on_an_unsuspecting_game/
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Kid looks at his mom's ID.

He reads "Sex: F" and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" his mom asks.
"I can't believe you were so bad at sex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ypkgh/kid_looks_at_his_moms_id/
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People who are Dyslexic should join the DNA

The National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ypj4c/people_who_are_dyslexic_should_join_the_dna/
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A man comes home from work and plonks himself on the sofa, in front of the tv.

"Quick, get me a beer, before it starts" he tells his wife.
His wife goes off to the kitchen, gets him a cold can of beer, and brings it over.
He cracks it open, drinks it down in one long gulp, smacks his lips, and says to his wife "That was good. Now, bring me another beer, before it starts."
His wife gets up slowly this time, and heads off into the kitchen. She's starting to get annoyed, but she brings him back another can anyway. Once again, he cracks it open, downs the contents in one, and this time, lets out a satisfied belch. "Quick, get me a beer, before it starts!" he tells his wife again.
She loses it. "You good for nothing, lazy piece of shit" she shouts at him. " You come home from work, and don't even say hello. You sit in front of the telly and order me around like I'm some kind of house slave. I don't get any thanks for all that I do around the house. You drink too much…"
"Yup" the man says. "It's started".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ypil5/a_man_comes_home_from_work_and_plonks_himself_on/
%
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch

Bartender says "Dude, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line."
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ypccs/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_fruit_punch/
%
An American walks into a pub, says "I'll have a bud light". The bartender replies "You're American aren't you?"

The guy says "How did you know? Was it the beer or the accent?"
Bartender replies: "Neither, you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen in my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yp9ek/an_american_walks_into_a_pub_says_ill_have_a_bud/
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I was at my bank today...

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yp7ib/i_was_at_my_bank_today/
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death

with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yozhz/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
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My friends laughed at me

when I told them I have a girlfriend. They said she was like the square root of -100, a solid 10 but imaginary.
Well, joke is on them. They are also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yoyz2/my_friends_laughed_at_me/
%
What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yoygp/what_has_one_finger_and_is_very_demanding/
%
My wife was recently submitted to hospital with chest pains.

The consultant said, "Mr Smith, your wife has acute angina"
I said, "Yes I know that, but how's her heart ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yoxmv/my_wife_was_recently_submitted_to_hospital_with/
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Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous

I see some new faces with us today so I must say I’m disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yoswh/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts_anonymous/
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How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ya, it's a really obscure number, it's not used that often, you probably wouldn't know it....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yopks/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Need help with my jokes about unemployed people

None of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yoo2e/need_help_with_my_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yonqy/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yondd/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to the fri-
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."
The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yombs/a_women_is_cooking_eggs_in_the_kitchen_when_her/
%
I've always had a thing for the girl next door types, I like my ladies to be earthy, deep and quiet.

It's great that I live next door to a graveyard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yojfp/ive_always_had_a_thing_for_the_girl_next_door/
%
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner,

"How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."
So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.
A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the store owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!"
So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!"
The giggling stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yoig5/a_stoner_walks_into_an_appliance_store_and_asks/
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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...

.... then soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yogux/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
%
what do you call a person hanging out in the woods?

logan paul's next youtube video

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yoecz/what_do_you_call_a_person_hanging_out_in_the_woods/
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What do you call it when two Frenchmen share files?

Pierre-to-Pierre transfer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yodmu/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_frenchmen_share_files/
%
A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.
The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were inside are dead. The wife goes even more crazy wanting to pass through and find her husband. The fire man tries to explain that due to the fire all the corpses are coal black and that she wouldn't be able to identify him.
The wife now even crazier insists on going in. "I have been his wife for 20 years, I know every inch of him. I definitely can tell him apart." so the firemen finally decide to let her in.
She goes to the first bag, opens its, reaches with her hand all the way down to his private area... "hmmm, that's not him". She then goes to the next bag repeats the same thing, "hmmmmm, that's not him either".
She opens the third bag, again reaches all the way down to the guys privates. but this time there is a long pause. "mmmmm This guy is not even from this building"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yocpw/a_wife_comes_back_home_to_her_husband_only_to/
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Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit?

He ate 6 crocodiles before the rescuers could get him out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yoafm/did_you_hear_about_the_ethiopian_who_fell_into_a/
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What is the best way to hurt someone with words?

Hit him with a dictionary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yoa7v/what_is_the_best_way_to_hurt_someone_with_words/
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I found out why no new posts were showing up on r/jokes today

Apparently they were just testing what happens when they set automod to filter out reposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yo9x4/i_found_out_why_no_new_posts_were_showing_up_on/
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My 6 year old son told me this one. "What do you call a snowman that's having a threesome with two hot princesses?"

I slapped my son and abruptly deleted his youtube kids app.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yo971/my_6_year_old_son_told_me_this_one_what_do_you/
%
Use Acetone to remove polish that's fine

Use gas to remove polish and everyone loses their minds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yo8la/use_acetone_to_remove_polish_thats_fine/
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The obesity epidemic is getting out of hand.....

Americans are becoming huge targets overseas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yo7ur/the_obesity_epidemic_is_getting_out_of_hand/
%
Vampires

Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first two order bloody Mary’s, but the third vampire only asks for water.
"Why water?" asked the other two.
The third one pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yo382/vampires/
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A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ymy3b/a_lot_of_russian_girls_are_trying_to_hook_up_with/
%
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are driving when they get puled over.

Heisenberg is driving. The cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies "No, but I know exactly where I am." The cop says, "You were doing 50 in a 30." Heisenburgh replies, "Great, now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious, and asks him to pop the trunk. He goes around to the back, and after a minute, he comes back aground and says, "You know there's a dead cat back there, right?" Schrodinger replies, "We do now, fucker!" The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ym5j5/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_are_driving_when/
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A very flashy, uber-materialistic, and self-absorbed braggart buys a Ferrari...

He’s driving around town showing off his new expensive ride. He waves at the pretty women with his right hand to show off his big flashy diamond rings.
He pulls over to park and is just relishing every glance he gets. He even calls out to a few people and says, “It’s a Ferrari!  You like it?”  He loves the attention.
As he’s opening the driver’s side door, a bus flies by and rips the door right off the car.
The guy jumps out and starts screaming at the bus as it continues down the road.  “You fucked up my Ferrari, you asshole!!”
A cop who saw the whole thing runs over and the guy is just going on about the crazy bus driver and how he ruined his unbelievably expensive new Ferrari. When he pauses to take a breath, the cop says, “You’re such a materialistic asshole, you don’t even realize that the bus ripped off your entire left arm too, do you?!?”
The guy looks at his bloody left shoulder-stump, pauses for a second, and then shouts, “God dammit!!  My Rolex!!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ykjr8/a_very_flashy_ubermaterialistic_and_selfabsorbed/
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From the mouth of my 12 year old son...

Did you know Jared is in prison for trying to get into smaller pants?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ykhps/from_the_mouth_of_my_12_year_old_son/
%
What is the strongest part of Batman's armor?

The plot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ykfzh/what_is_the_strongest_part_of_batmans_armor/
%
Mickey approaches Minnie and says

-Minnie, I want a divorce.
-What? Are you fucking crazy?
-No, I'm fucking Daisy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ykfb1/mickey_approaches_minnie_and_says/
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There are two types of people in this world.

People who freely pee in the shower, and fucking liars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ykeng/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Cole’s Law...

Thinly Sliced Cabbage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ykdye/coles_law/
%
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yk98i/teacher_nick_what_is_the_past_participle_of_the/
%
Why were Tommy Wiseau's classmates jealous of him?

Because he had high marks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yk3lw/why_were_tommy_wiseaus_classmates_jealous_of_him/
%
If you see a child sleeping, don't hesitate to call the police.

You just witnessed a kid-napping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yk3ig/if_you_see_a_child_sleeping_dont_hesitate_to_call/
%
The biggest problem with polygamy?

Multiple mother-in-laws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yk05o/the_biggest_problem_with_polygamy/
%
There was three brothers: Little Tear, Little Feather and Little Brick

One day, Little Tear asked their mom:
— Mommy, why I’m called ‘Little Tear’?
Then Mom said:
— That’s because when you were born, a tear dropped in your head.
......
So Little Feather asked:
— And why I’m called like that?
— That’s because a feather fell on your head when you were born, son.
......
Lastly, Little Brick asked:
— *ANNNNNNNNNNHHHHAOAOAOOA*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjz08/there_was_three_brothers_little_tear_little/
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I just walked in on my parents having sex...

Easily the most awkward 45 minutes of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjyz7/i_just_walked_in_on_my_parents_having_sex/
%
I'll never forget my father's last words to me...

"Tell your mom I'm going to the store, I'll be back in a bit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjvld/ill_never_forget_my_fathers_last_words_to_me/
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2 dragons walk into a bar

One goes, "it's hot in here."
The other responds,  "shut your mouth."
Originally by Jimmy Carr (I think, he may have stolen it)
Probably a repost, but reddit search is useless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjtfr/2_dragons_walk_into_a_bar/
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Heaven Vs Hell

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he
realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ..
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......
'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjs02/heaven_vs_hell/
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There is a plane of children along with a priest, a rabbi, and a rapper is flying to New York

Suddenly, the engine catches fire.  The rabbi says, "We must save the children." The rapper yells back, "Screw the children!" The Priest responds, "Do you think we have enough time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjrqu/there_is_a_plane_of_children_along_with_a_priest/
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Voodoo Dick

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjop2/voodoo_dick/
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Why hasn’t columbine won a basketball championship since 1999?

They lost their best shooters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjo79/why_hasnt_columbine_won_a_basketball_championship/
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The two lesbians next door.

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjlbm/the_two_lesbians_next_door/
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Whats the difference between an old, run-down bus station and a crab with big boobs?

Ones a crusty bus-station the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjkbb/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_rundown_bus/
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A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjjzd/a_joke_my_8year_old_made_up_what_do_you_call_a/
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Son: Dad! My watch isn't working!

Dad: Just give it time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yji78/son_dad_my_watch_isnt_working/
%
Opinions are like orgasms.

I can have one at home using the internet and that’s fine but if I have one at a party everybody asks me to leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjfyp/opinions_are_like_orgasms/
%
My dad said that I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Now I am wanted by the cops for identity theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjdso/my_dad_said_that_i_could_be_anyone_i_wanted_to_be/
%
I tried to get my friend to stop eating Canada...

But he was having Nunavut.
^^^the ^^^pronunciation ^^^doesn't ^^^work ^^^that ^^^way ^^^but ^^^whatever ^^^it's ^^^OC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjddw/i_tried_to_get_my_friend_to_stop_eating_canada/
%
What do you call a scared Italian mobster?

Fredo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yjbox/what_do_you_call_a_scared_italian_mobster/
%
What do you call Darth vader when he's stressed

Panickin Skywalker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yj7rf/what_do_you_call_darth_vader_when_hes_stressed/
%
What's the difference between your daughter and this morning?

I'm not coming in this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yj6c7/whats_the_difference_between_your_daughter_and/
%
TIL There's a huge, televised award ceremony for coke dealers held every year...

They call it the grammies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yj604/til_theres_a_huge_televised_award_ceremony_for/
%
I went to a museum exhibit on feces, but the lighting was awful.

I couldn't see shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yj30o/i_went_to_a_museum_exhibit_on_feces_but_the/
%
A farmer in his field counted 195 cows,

But when he rounded them up he had 200

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yj072/a_farmer_in_his_field_counted_195_cows/
%
I used to sell farming equipment...

Until they outlawed slavery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yj01t/i_used_to_sell_farming_equipment/
%
James Bond is laid off

and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yiy9e/james_bond_is_laid_off/
%
Why were people drawn and quartered?

They were tearable people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yiuv1/why_were_people_drawn_and_quartered/
%
A Youtuber got extremely famous for catching lots of fish with only a computer mouse...

Turns out it was just clickbait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yiu74/a_youtuber_got_extremely_famous_for_catching_lots/
%
I’ve been told I’m condescending

(That means I talk down to people)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yip92/ive_been_told_im_condescending/
%
Heisenberg gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am.
Cop: Well, you were going 85.
Heisenberg: Great, now I'm lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yikkm/heisenberg_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
%
What happened to the cannibal when he showed up late for dinner?

He was given the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yijgo/what_happened_to_the_cannibal_when_he_showed_up/
%
What’s the difference between Batman and an onion?

Batman only has one lair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yih85/whats_the_difference_between_batman_and_an_onion/
%
Why was the button in counseling?

Because it was depressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yifdy/why_was_the_button_in_counseling/
%
An Airplane is about to crash...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yiayw/an_airplane_is_about_to_crash/
%
My son cries when I slap his hand.

If he doesn’t like it he should stop blocking his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yiah9/my_son_cries_when_i_slap_his_hand/
%
I’ve been trying to give up cursing for Lent.

Let’s just say that, so far, it’s been a fucking disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yiaam/ive_been_trying_to_give_up_cursing_for_lent/
%
My hometown is so tough

that, when I used Google Earth so show my girlfriend where I used to live, we got mugged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yi8iv/my_hometown_is_so_tough/
%
Why did the communist experiment with capitalism?

They were buy-curious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yi7bf/why_did_the_communist_experiment_with_capitalism/
%
The Farmer and the Outhouse

One night, a farmer's outhouse is knocked over.
In the morning, the farmer approaches his son and asks, "Son, did you knock over the outhouse last night?"
"No Dad, I didn't."
"Son ... let me tell you a story.  When George Washington was a little boy, he chopped down his father's favorite cherry tree.  When his father asked him whether or not he was the one that chopped it down, he responded, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie.  I chopped down the cherry tree.'  George Washington's father was so proud of him, he didn't punish him for cutting down the tree.  In fact, he rewarded him for being honest.
"Now, I'll ask again.  Did you knock over the outhouse last night?"
The farmer's son is moved by this story, and he says, "Okay Dad, I cannot tell a lie.  I knocked over the outhouse."
The farmer proceeds to give his son the beating of a lifetime.  When it's over, the son gasps out between cries, "But George Washington's father didn't beat him!"
"George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree at the time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yi6xo/the_farmer_and_the_outhouse/
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When asked "Can I have your name?"

"No.... What the hell is wrong with yours?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yi5c7/when_asked_can_i_have_your_name/
%
What’d the banana say to the vibrator?

Why you shaking? She’s gonna eat me 😁

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yi28o/whatd_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
%
What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yhz4e/what_is_great_in_the_us_but_awful_in_the_uk/
%
Three guys wandering beside a cliff find a golden lamp...

...one of the guys pick it and cleans it and because he rubbed it with his shirt, a genie pops out. He says to the 3 guys: “because you have woken me to see the world once more, I will grant each of you 1 wish. However you must jump and leap into your wish near the grass here!”
Filled with excitement, the first guy runs and says I want a trillion dollars then leaps. To his surprise, he falls on a trillion dollars
The second guy, overjoyed, takes off and screams “ I want hundreds of hot, nasty and naked women all for me!” After leaping, he lands on the hottest girls without any clothes who are happy to see him
The third guy, totally loses control from happiness takes off blindly and says “I want all the—“ as soon as he’s about to leap, he trips on a rock and yells “SHIT”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yhyhn/three_guys_wandering_beside_a_cliff_find_a_golden/
%
If there are any idiots in the room, stand up...

...said the teacher.
After a while, one student stood up.
"Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
"Well, actually I don't" said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yhxw1/if_there_are_any_idiots_in_the_room_stand_up/
%
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yhxai/did_you_hear_about_the_actor_who_fell_through_the/
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My friend died from taking heartburn tablets today...

I can’t believe Gavisgon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yhvi0/my_friend_died_from_taking_heartburn_tablets_today/
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How can you recognize Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?

He’s the only one with sesame seed buns!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yhtnf/how_can_you_recognize_ronald_mcdonald_at_a_nude/
%
A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?
Mom - (obviously didn’t want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don’t worry about it.
*a few seconds of silence*
Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yhtg0/a_mother_and_her_5_year_old_daughter_were_driving/
%
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yhsgc/what_do_you_call_an_italian_with_a_rubber_toe/
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What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me. I’m going in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yhq00/what_did_the_penis_say_to_the_condom/
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The hot girl from next door just came over and told me to stop stealing her clothes!

I almost shit her pants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yhia8/the_hot_girl_from_next_door_just_came_over_and/
%
Three cowboys sat around a fire...

Three cowboys sat around a fire comparing who was tougher. The first one said, I once had to kill a bear with my bare hands. The second cowboy said, I once had to punch a stampeding bull and knock him out cold. The third cowboy sat in silence, staring at the fire, slowly stirring the embers with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yhcl6/three_cowboys_sat_around_a_fire/
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If sex between three people is a threesome, and sex between two people is a twosome...

I now know why everyone calls me handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yhb7y/if_sex_between_three_people_is_a_threesome_and/
%
I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.

Can anyone here give me some tips?
I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yhaha/im_having_some_real_trouble_mending_my_broken/
%
I wanted my first time to be special,

So we did it in her wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yh9li/i_wanted_my_first_time_to_be_special/
%
What do you call a hooker's fart?

A prostitoot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yh7ub/what_do_you_call_a_hookers_fart/
%
Cavemen had a specific reason for dragging their women by the hair...

...they filled up with dirt when drug the other way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yh59c/cavemen_had_a_specific_reason_for_dragging_their/
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Good Idea: Helping your uncle Jack off a horse

Bad idea: Helping your uncle jack off a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yh481/good_idea_helping_your_uncle_jack_off_a_horse/
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What do we want? Malapropisms! When do we want them?

Know!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yh1rc/what_do_we_want_malapropisms_when_do_we_want_them/
%
I used to hate algae...

But now I’m kinda lichen it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ygyqm/i_used_to_hate_algae/
%
The end is near . . .

A local priest and deacon stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They held up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge is out’ instead?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ygy5m/the_end_is_near/
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and 30 tentacles?

Senpai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ygrk7/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
What does the Black Panther use for protection during sex?

A Wakondom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ygnfx/what_does_the_black_panther_use_for_protection/
%
Not only is my new thesaurus bad...

It's also bad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ygn0n/not_only_is_my_new_thesaurus_bad/
%
How do Jedi get their children to eat?

They Force feed them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yglnj/how_do_jedi_get_their_children_to_eat/
%
TIFU by hiding in poison oak

Whoops, wrong shrub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ygkyf/tifu_by_hiding_in_poison_oak/
%
Someone stole my limbo pole

How low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yg8co/someone_stole_my_limbo_pole/
%
Jesus wants you to give him your soul

Whereas satan is willing to buy it off you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yg1xj/jesus_wants_you_to_give_him_your_soul/
%
Billy and Mary are heading out on a date...

It's the mid-50's and Billy is headed to pick up his date, Mary. Mary's father answers the door and invites him in since she's not quite ready yet.
He asks what they're planning for their date and Billy tells him that they'll probably go to the malt shop or a drive-in movie.
Mary's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it now."
Billy is shocked and replies "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Mary loves to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Billy can't quite believe his ears but shortly Mary comes downstairs and the two of them head out for their date.
A little later, Mary storms back into the house and slams the door.
"The Twist, Dad! It's called the Twist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yg0av/billy_and_mary_are_heading_out_on_a_date/
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My friend said “what rhymes with orange?”

I said “No, it doesn’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfzlu/my_friend_said_what_rhymes_with_orange/
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A man and a small sword are both under arrest for sexual misconduct

A detective/ interviewer is being brought to the two sexual predators who are both in separate rooms. First he goes to the room with the man. The man is not constrained and is sitting on a chair. The detective peaks in the window to the room and asks the officer "What exactly did he do?" the officer responds " He was walking around taking pictures up girl's skirts" before the detective interviews the man he peaks in the other room and sees a tiny sword chained to the table. The detective is confused not only as to why a blade is in the interview room, and if it was an accomplice to this man then why it wasn't in evidence. And why was is restrained when the man isn't. He asks the officer these questions and the police man says " He was committing the same crime, he's just a little rapier"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfup2/a_man_and_a_small_sword_are_both_under_arrest_for/
%
There are 2 hunters in the woods

suddenly, one of the hunters has a heart attack and falls over. The other hunter calls 911. "Operator, I think my friend is dead," he says. "Well before we do anything else, we need to make sure he is dead," responds the operator. There is silence. Then there is a loud bang. "Ok, now what do I do"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfum0/there_are_2_hunters_in_the_woods/
%
In a hotel a mathematician, physicist and an engineer...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.
The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.
But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the fire extinguisher .... stares at the fire for some minutes, does some calculations in his head - air flow, humidity, thermodynamic whatever - and then - with one blow from the extinguisher at the right point the fire is out and he goes to sleep again.
But the fire breaks out again. The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, sees the extinguisher - aaaah, the problem is solvable ... and goes to sleep again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yftfs/in_a_hotel_a_mathematician_physicist_and_an/
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You’re so pretty that words can’t even describe.

But numbers can: 6/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfsuj/youre_so_pretty_that_words_cant_even_describe/
%
How does a narcissist unscrew a lightbulb?

They just hold on to it and let the whole world revolve around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfsuc/how_does_a_narcissist_unscrew_a_lightbulb/
%
A kid saw his mother's naked breasts and asked "Mom what are those?"

She said "Ohh don't mind they are balloons"
Kid "But the maid's balloons are bigger than yours"
Mother "How do you know that?!"
Kid "Because every night I see dad blowing them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfs2r/a_kid_saw_his_mothers_naked_breasts_and_asked_mom/
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[NSFW] Students, can someone use "contagious" in a sentence?

Barron: Our neighbor, Hill is painting her house with a 2 inch paint brush. My Dad says it will take the cunt ages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfrgq/nsfw_students_can_someone_use_contagious_in_a/
%
A time traveller is at a job interview

Time traveller: I’m always early
Boss: what is your biggest str-WHAT THE FUCK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfqo9/a_time_traveller_is_at_a_job_interview/
%
Why did the ghost cross the road?

To come from the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfpac/why_did_the_ghost_cross_the_road/
%
A friend of mine died recently after drinking a bottle of varnish...

...It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfml0/a_friend_of_mine_died_recently_after_drinking_a/
%
So you haven't heard about the three watery holes in the ground...?

Well, well, well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfm7l/so_you_havent_heard_about_the_three_watery_holes/
%
What do you get hanging from Apple trees?

Arm ache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfhxa/what_do_you_get_hanging_from_apple_trees/
%
What’s the difference between a corn farmer with seizures and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits, the other fucks betweens shits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfh0v/whats_the_difference_between_a_corn_farmer_with/
%
Little boy calls to his teacher

and says "James won't be in school today, he is sick"
Teacher replies "Oh, I am sorry to hear that. By the way who am i talking to,?"
Boy answers calmly "With my Dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yffr3/little_boy_calls_to_his_teacher/
%
A blonde is walking by a river

She sees an another blonde on the other side of the river.
-Hey! - she yells.
-Yes? - the other one responds.
-How can I get to the other side? - she asks.
-Fool! You are already on the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfdya/a_blonde_is_walking_by_a_river/
%
A guy visits his clock loving friend.

There are clocks everywhere. Each one of them shows different times. But some go faster than the others.
"What's with the clocks?" he asks.
"Each country has its own clock here. The higher alcohol consumption, the faster the clock."
He was right - the Korean clock for example was slower than the German one.
"That's cool, but I can't see the Russian one. Where is it?"
"It's in the kitchen, it serves as a huge fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfcro/a_guy_visits_his_clock_loving_friend/
%
Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.

Guard:  I’m not mad, just........disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yfbxf/prisoner_im_sorry_i_tried_to_escape/
%
A penguin was driving when he noticed the warning light on his dashboard light up...

He limped the car to the nearest garage. The mechanic said it may take a while to fix and so to come back later.
So the penguin went out and took in the sights. Whilst he was there he decided to get an ice cream. However, only having flippers, he couldn't hold the ice cream very well and made a mess as he tried to eat it.
Later, the penguin goes back to the mechanic. He looks up at the penguin and says "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"Oh no" replied the penguin, "this is just ice cream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yf8e9/a_penguin_was_driving_when_he_noticed_the_warning/
%
What do you call security guards at a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yf7ye/what_do_you_call_security_guards_at_a_samsung/
%
What do you call a pig that gets stuck in a bush?

A hedge hog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yf2cp/what_do_you_call_a_pig_that_gets_stuck_in_a_bush/
%
An oxygen atom was looking forward to a threesome,

Instead the poor guy got ozoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yeuqn/an_oxygen_atom_was_looking_forward_to_a_threesome/
%
I've been thinking about investing in marijuana groweries.

I hear it's a budding industry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yeui9/ive_been_thinking_about_investing_in_marijuana/
%
Wait, you rehearse your jokes before telling them?

Your parents sure didn’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yeu71/wait_you_rehearse_your_jokes_before_telling_them/
%
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender to give 10 shots of whiskey.....

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yelwm/there_was_this_man_who_walked_into_a_bar_and_says/
%
A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf.....

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.”
The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.”
And the engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yejme/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_are_playing_golf/
%
John: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend Mike."

James: "Since when is Mike your best friend?"
John: "Since yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yeckh/john_yesterday_my_wife_ran_off_with_my_best/
%
Why didn’t the dinosaur want to start another relationship?

He always Rex it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yecd1/why_didnt_the_dinosaur_want_to_start_another/
%
This might just be the wine talking...

...But I think I want to order more wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yeas0/this_might_just_be_the_wine_talking/
%
What does David Bowie do after the gym?

Ch ch ch ch changes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ye9pr/what_does_david_bowie_do_after_the_gym/
%
I once took a class on Stoicism...

It didn't excite me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ye9p1/i_once_took_a_class_on_stoicism/
%
Our marriage councilor said I should talk to my wife during sex.

I told him that I guess I could call her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ye56l/our_marriage_councilor_said_i_should_talk_to_my/
%
My great-grandfather knew that Titanic would sink and tried to alert people 3 times

The third time, he was expelled from the movie theater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ye47f/my_greatgrandfather_knew_that_titanic_would_sink/
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You know you can fit any boat on your head

Just flip it upside down. That makes it capsized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ye1j7/you_know_you_can_fit_any_boat_on_your_head/
%
Rodeo Sex.

Have you ever tried Rodeo Sex? here is how it goes, you get you're Girlfriend on all fours and mount her, you push in as far as you can and hold on real tight, you then whisper in her ear, you are not as good as you're Sister, see how long you can stay on..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ydz90/rodeo_sex/
%
My Grandmas Old Advice.

My grandma used to always say,
"Boy, never hate people for the things they can't change...
hate them for the things they can change, like their stupid personality, their shitty opinions or their inferior religions."
At least that's what I think she said, I never listened to the stupid old Jew anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ydtmt/my_grandmas_old_advice/
%
What day of the year are there no hackers on PUBG?

Chinese New Year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ydsam/what_day_of_the_year_are_there_no_hackers_on_pubg/
%
I tickled my little brother's foot

yesterday and my mom went crazy and said,
"Wait until he is born"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ydrlo/i_tickled_my_little_brothers_foot/
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A wife and a taxi driver

A wife was out with her friends when she got the news that her husband got sent to the hospital.
She saw a taxi parked and quickly went to it while her friends walked away. She knocked on the glass and the driver lowered the glass.
“What is it?” said the driver.
“My husband is in the hospital and I need to see him”
“Sure, just jump in”
“But, I don’t have any money on me” she said with a lowered voice.
“I’m sorry lady, but I can’t drive you then, I have to make a living somehow”
“Please” she yelled, “I need to see him, is there noting else I can do?”
“Well” said the driver while thinking, “you can either suck me or sing to me”
Moments later she finally arrived at the hospital and went to visit her husband. When she arrived they had a little chat and then she began to talk about what had happened.
“I see” said the husband angrily, “which song did you sing to him?”
“How can I sing when my husband is in the hospital”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ydp8h/a_wife_and_a_taxi_driver/
%
Stuck up people are the worst

They always whine and cry when you are taking their money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ydp4w/stuck_up_people_are_the_worst/
%
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ydlrs/when_jane_first_met_tarzan_in_the_jungle_she_was/
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The author of what’s been described as “the world’s worst thesaurus” has dismissed the comments.

He’s described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ydlc5/the_author_of_whats_been_described_as_the_worlds/
%
What’s the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other blow jobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ydaeu/whats_the_definition_of_trust/
%
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court

The judge looks at the papers and says to Mickey,
"So it says here that you are filing for divorce on the grounds that your wife is mentally insane. Is that true?"
"I didn't say she was insane!" exclaims Mickey,
"I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yd43r/mickey_and_minnie_mouse_are_in_divorce_court/
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A group of guys decided to go skydiving.

There was Matt, Bill, and stuttering Joe. The instructor says “We’re over the drop zone now, count to 10 and pull your chute.”
Matt and Bill jump and count to 10 and then pull their parachute. A moment later stuttering Joe passed by saying “t-t-t-two!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yd1zj/a_group_of_guys_decided_to_go_skydiving/
%
Con is the opposite of pro, and con is bad.

So if we want to turn the constitution into something better, then we should change it to...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycy4f/con_is_the_opposite_of_pro_and_con_is_bad/
%
There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.
They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.
They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"
"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycxso/there_were_three_pows_together_in_a_british/
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I'm single by choice.

*her choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycxpu/im_single_by_choice/
%
Mighty Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies,
"Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two,
"I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycwyq/mighty_mouse/
%
Is eating popcorn gay?

Because after all, you are eating a busted nut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycwj0/is_eating_popcorn_gay/
%
My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening were you?"

I thought, "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycwe2/my_wife_just_stopped_and_said_you_werent_even/
%
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield?

Its ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycway/whats_the_last_thing_to_go_through_a_bugs_mind/
%
I have two sides to my brain,

On the left there is nothing right and on the right there is nothing left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycvvb/i_have_two_sides_to_my_brain/
%
The speeding ticket

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman said.
The State Police officer, chuckling, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken," the officer asked.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycvug/the_speeding_ticket/
%
I had a turntable fall on my head a couple years ago.

But I'm perfectly fine, perfectly fine, perfectly fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycuq7/i_had_a_turntable_fall_on_my_head_a_couple_years/
%
This joke pretty much sums up the past 5 years

2013+2014+2015+2016+2017

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yctho/this_joke_pretty_much_sums_up_the_past_5_years/
%
Why did Trump choose Mike Pence as Vice President?

To make sure that no one would assassinate him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycskw/why_did_trump_choose_mike_pence_as_vice_president/
%
Old lady gets pulled over for speeding

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes
5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this
car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycnna/old_lady_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."

The waiter replies, "So sorry, sir. I'll take care of that," and puts a spider in the soup.
"Hopefully this won't take long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycklq/waiter_theres_a_fly_in_my_soup/
%
A Woman Walks Into a Tattoo Parlor…

She says to the tattoo artist "My husband's nickname for me is Butter Buns, so I want the letter 'B' to be tattooed on each of my butt cheeks"
Later that night, she strips and bends over for her husband to show him the tattoo.
“Look Honey, I got a new tattoo today!”
He says, “Bob? Who’s Bob?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yckhr/a_woman_walks_into_a_tattoo_parlor/
%
A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ychir/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
%
I don't understand why people get upset at me for not vaccinating my kids

The one that lived turned out fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycgcc/i_dont_understand_why_people_get_upset_at_me_for/
%
What does an epileptic guy do if you flash him?

Seizure...
boobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycg2v/what_does_an_epileptic_guy_do_if_you_flash_him/
%
The Cow Did

So on an Irish farm they had a cow.
This cow was the only means of survival for the farmer and his family.
One day the farmer goes out to feed the cow and the cow was dead.
The farmer was so distraught he hung himself in the barn.
The farmer's wife comes out and sees the cow dead and the farmer hanging from the rafters in the barn and being overcome with grief she hangs herself next to the farmer.
The farmer's oldest son comes and sees the cow dead, the farmer dead, the farmer's wife dead and was about to kill himself as well when a small beautiful female leprechaun appeared to him.
The leprechaun said "Have you been having a bad day?"
The Oldest son says "Well it appears that way"
The leprechaun tells him "if you can make love to me 10 times in a row I'll bring your family and the cow back to life, but if you don't I'll kill you and hang you next to your parents"
So the oldest son being loyal to his family accepted the challenge, made it to 6 times in a row but he could go no farther.  The leprechaun killed him and hung him up next to his parents.
The middle son then came out of the house to see the cow dead, his dad dead, his mom dead, his older brother dead and a little leprechaun woman.
Again the leprechaun woman says ""if you can make love to me 10 times in a row I'll bring your family and the cow back to life, but if you don't I'll kill you and hang you next to your parents and your brother"
The middle son accepted the challenge but again he failed to please the leprechaun and she killed him and hung him up next to his parents and brother.
Finally the youngest son wanders out of the house, he sees the cow dead, the dad dead, the mom dead and his two older brothers dead and a beautiful leprechaun woman.
One last time the leprechaun says ""if you can make love to me 10 times in a row I'll bring your family and the cow back to life, but if you don't I'll kill you and hang you next to your parents and brothers"
The youngest son says "10 Times and I get all that back? What if I make love to you 15 times?"
"15 Times? the leprechaun says?  Well if you can make love to me 15 times then I'll bring your Dad back, your mom back your 2 brothers back, your cow back and get you a nice big mansion instead of your farmer's house to live in"
so the youngest son says "Well that's all very nice but what if I make love to you 20 times in a row?"
"20 times?" said the leprechaun.  "Well then I'll bring your Dad back, your mom back your 2 brothers back, your cow back and get you a nice big mansion and I'll give you a huge pot of gold and you'll never want for anything ever again"
So the youngest son says "Well, that sounds great but I'm worried.  How do I know you won't die?"
"Die?" Said the leprechaun.  "What makes you think I would die?"
so the youngest son says "Well... the cow did"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yce7o/the_cow_did/
%
Lobsters are greedy. They never give anything to charity. They're just shellfish.

But that's being too hard on them. Not everyone can afford to be a philanthropod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ycdfg/lobsters_are_greedy_they_never_give_anything_to/
%
What does your baby daddy have in common with an unlucky gambler?

Neither of them pulled out in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yc9b5/what_does_your_baby_daddy_have_in_common_with_an/
%
I was offered a job building Egyptian tombs

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yc83d/i_was_offered_a_job_building_egyptian_tombs/
%
Whattya call a half black, half Irish guy trying to get his body into balance?

Homey O'Stasis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yc1ay/whattya_call_a_half_black_half_irish_guy_trying/
%
You know the punchline for it won't be funny either, but it'll still be reposted eventually.

Why are Jeopardy! jokes posted on Reddit not hilarious?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ybzkz/you_know_the_punchline_for_it_wont_be_funny/
%
A man walks into a bar to find its full of black feathers.

Its a crowbar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ybxa9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_to_find_its_full_of_black/
%
Women walks into a bar and orders a double entendre.

And the bar tender gives it to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ybv5v/women_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_double/
%
I feel bad for all the people eating Tide pods.

They haven't figured out that Cascade actionpacs taste way better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ybo6h/i_feel_bad_for_all_the_people_eating_tide_pods/
%
A guy wants to introduce his girlfriend to his mother.

And he decides to have a little fun with it. He calls his mom up and says, "Ma, you know me so well, how about we play a little game. I'll bring three women over, and by the end of the night you see if you can figure out which one I'm dating." The mom reluctantly agrees.
That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three women. She asks them to come have a seat on the couch. As soon as they sit, she says, "it's the one on the right."
And he says, "Holy cow, how did you know?"
And the mother says, "Because I hate her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ybndy/a_guy_wants_to_introduce_his_girlfriend_to_his/
%
Why did the math book kill itself?

Because it had too many problems

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ybl2z/why_did_the_math_book_kill_itself/
%
What do you call an agreement between two forests?

A tree-ty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ybfvn/what_do_you_call_an_agreement_between_two_forests/
%
I'm addicted to brake fluid

But it's not so bad, i can stop anytime!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ybep8/im_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
%
What is it called when too many people pass gas inside of a mine?

An excess stench hole crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ybck1/what_is_it_called_when_too_many_people_pass_gas/
%
What’s an Australians definition of fore play?

Brace yourself Sheila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ybbng/whats_an_australians_definition_of_fore_play/
%
[NSFW] How do mechanics have sex?

They nut and bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ybb9i/nsfw_how_do_mechanics_have_sex/
%
What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ybaeu/whats_long_and_hard_that_a_polish_bride_gets_on/
%
I dated this girl who was only hot when we went camping

She was pretty intense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yba1v/i_dated_this_girl_who_was_only_hot_when_we_went/
%
Lie Detector

A man bought a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner:
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school
*(robot slaps the son and he immediately changes his mind)*
Okay, okay, I went to the movies!
Dad: Which one?
Son: Harry Potter
*(robot slaps the son again!)*
Okay! Alright, I was watching porno.
Dad: What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porno was!
*(robot slaps dad)*
Mom: Ha ha ha ha ha! This sure proves he's your Son!
*(robot reaches out and slaps Mom)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yb74m/lie_detector/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yaut9/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_satanist/
%
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space!

Terrible joke.
Only three stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yam8h/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
%
A Sexual Predator, a Business Man, and a Russian Spy walk into a bar

The bar tender says what can I get you Mr. President?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yaewf/a_sexual_predator_a_business_man_and_a_russian/
%
The 3 Blind Men and an Elephant

The first blind man gropes around and feels the elephant's butt cheeks. After a few minutes he declares an elephant soft and round, like a pillow. The second blind man gropes around and feels the elephant's testicles, and declares the first man is wrong, an elephant is like a pair of coconuts. The third blind man gropes around and finds the elephant's penis. After feeling it from end to end, the third blind man says they're both wrong, an elephant is actually like a very large snake.
In a high voice, the elephant says: "We should check one more time to be sure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yabqv/the_3_blind_men_and_an_elephant/
%
Want a slutty costume for Halloween?

Dress up as my professors, they barely cover anything important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7yaa4r/want_a_slutty_costume_for_halloween/
%
What’re the 3 most used english words in China?

Made in China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ya8fi/whatre_the_3_most_used_english_words_in_china/
%
A bra, a battery and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar ...

The bra goes to get the drinks but the barman refuses to serve them. The bra asks why. The barman says ".. you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to start something".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ya7x2/a_bra_a_battery_and_a_set_of_jumper_leads_walk/
%
What do you call it when 2 Southern people betray each other?

Betra-y'all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ya6cs/what_do_you_call_it_when_2_southern_people_betray/
%
I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines

So they would accept change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ya5z9/i_wish_our_congress_was_made_up_of_vending/
%
Guess you can say that the invention of the broom really...

Swept the nation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ya5y5/guess_you_can_say_that_the_invention_of_the_broom/
%
A Muslim immigrant.

A Muslim immigrant goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible" The doctor examines him and says "you need to piss and shit into a bucket for a week, throw some dead fish and a rotting cabbage in" Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for three days" The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor and says "I feel wonderful, what was wrong with me? The doctor replied "You are Homesick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ya4jy/a_muslim_immigrant/
%
Two Irishman walk passed an open bar....

Hell, it could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ya18d/two_irishman_walk_passed_an_open_bar/
%
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?

Artificial Intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ya0uc/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_who_dyes_her_hair_brown/
%
A robber broke into my house last night looking for money

So I woke up to look with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y9u5l/a_robber_broke_into_my_house_last_night_looking/
%
My girlfriend is always complaining that I don't buy her flowers.

In my defence I didn't even know she sold flowers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y9tkq/my_girlfriend_is_always_complaining_that_i_dont/
%
What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y9ngz/what_kind_of_tea_is_hard_to_swallow/
%
A woman introduces her boyfriend to her parents.

A woman has her boyfriend meet her parents.
The father of the woman and the boyfriend then have a discussion at a Catholic Bible Study:
Father: “What do you do for a living?”
Boyfriend: “I am a Biblical Scholar.”
Father: “A Biblical scholar, huh? How will you provide for my daughter?”
Boyfriend: “God will provide for us.”
Father: “How will you afford the shiny, diamond ring my daughter deserves?”
Boyfriend: “God will provide for us.”
Father: “How will you provide a nice, safe home for my daughter and future grandchildren?”
Boyfriend: “God will provide for us.”
Later that night, the mother asks the father, “How was your time with our future son-in-law?”
The father responds: “He has no plans, doesn’t have a job, and he thinks I’m God.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y9k45/a_woman_introduces_her_boyfriend_to_her_parents/
%
I just want to say, you matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light.
Then you energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y9k2f/i_just_want_to_say_you_matter/
%
A husband was sitting next to his wife while she was eating.

He heard his phone's message tone coming from the kitchen. He went to the kitchen and read a message from his wife saying "Please bring the salt on your way back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y9e13/a_husband_was_sitting_next_to_his_wife_while_she/
%
I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y983r/im_sick_tired_of_hearing_these_olympic_athletes/
%
What's sticky and charming?

Seduct tape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y94ol/whats_sticky_and_charming/
%
What do we want?! Low flying aeroplane noises! When do we want them?!

NNNNEEEOOOOOWWWWWWW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y8yad/what_do_we_want_low_flying_aeroplane_noises_when/
%
My friend thought I was lazy because I could count on one hand how much I moved today...

They didn't know I was wearing a FitBit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y8x8r/my_friend_thought_i_was_lazy_because_i_could/
%
A Jewish guy walks into a bar.....

and he says to the bartender with much determination, "I'll take 10 shots of whiskey."
The bartender asks the Jewish guy, "What's the matter?"
The Jewish gentleman explains, "I found out my brother is gay and is marrying my best friend."
The next day the same Jewish gentleman comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The Jewish gentleman says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same Jewish man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y8smq/a_jewish_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
There are two things that can go wrong when you need to use the bathroom when there is no bathroom around

1.)
2.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y8p83/there_are_two_things_that_can_go_wrong_when_you/
%
Who is Han Solo's favorite rapper?

Tupacca

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y8lw8/who_is_han_solos_favorite_rapper/
%
A man is stranded in the desert when he comes across a genie's lamp. He rubs it and the genie grants him just one wish. The man said, "I could die happy here, if I could just get..."

... one more 's'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y8key/a_man_is_stranded_in_the_desert_when_he_comes/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y8ir7/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
Two teenage sisters are chatting together

The older one is very sexually promiscuous, and loves to tease the younger, shyer, more inexperienced one by telling stories of her and her boyfriend's exploits in bed. Only this time, the younger girl surprises her sister by telling her that she thinks she's in love.
"Who with? Some movie star?" the older one teases.
"No," the younger one says, blushing. "A boy. We actually did... well, you know, *it* last night."
"Oh, my gosh!" the older girl laughs. "The little virgin's finally gotten some! Now you really have to tell me who it is."
"Can you promise not to tell anyone?" the younger girl asks. "Like, really promise. Mom would kill me if she knew who it was."
"Alright," says the older girl, still laughing. "I promise."
"It's, uh, it's Tommy," the younger girl whispers, still blushing. Tommy was their brother.
The older girl puts a hand over her mouth as she suddenly gives out a gasp. She looks astonished and hurt.
"I know, I know, it sounds weird, to be shagging one's brother," the younger girl says, hurriedly trying to explain, "but it just feels so right. He's just so much-"
She's interrupted as the older girl suddenly bursts into tears, sobbing and crying. "Oh, shut up, you slut!" she cries, through her tears.
"Tabitha!" the younger one exclaims, offended. "It's nothing compared to what you're always taking abou-"
"Oh, shut up!" the older girl exclaims again. "Oh, I knew he was cheating on me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y8i0r/two_teenage_sisters_are_chatting_together/
%
I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.

"How flexible are you?"
"I can't make tuesdays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y8ewe/i_asked_my_gym_instructor_if_he_could_teach_me_to/
%
What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil?

M'Ladle
*tips fedora*
Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y8d0d/what_is_a_nice_guys_favorite_cooking_utensil/
%
"Say NO to drugs" they say...

I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y8bh5/say_no_to_drugs_they_say/
%
My wife let me get anal last night.

It felt great synchronizing the clocks and correcting the toilet paper orientation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y8a1r/my_wife_let_me_get_anal_last_night/
%
My dad grew up herding sheep in Germany

He was a German shepherd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y898t/my_dad_grew_up_herding_sheep_in_germany/
%
There were two fish in a tank...

The first fish looks over at the second fish and asks....
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y87ti/there_were_two_fish_in_a_tank/
%
I guess you could say that the invention of the shovel was really....

Ground-breaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y87l6/i_guess_you_could_say_that_the_invention_of_the/
%
How do two Marines find eachother in the dark?

Very satisfying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y852e/how_do_two_marines_find_eachother_in_the_dark/
%
My motto is "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

They don't let me volunteer for the suicide prevention hotline anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y83ix/my_motto_is_if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_try_try/
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Did you know it's Presidents Day Monday?

The President leaves the White House and if he sees his shadow, it's one more year of bull shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y810i/did_you_know_its_presidents_day_monday/
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[Nsfw] I got a sweater for Christmas...

I wish I had gotten a screamer or a moaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y7yy2/nsfw_i_got_a_sweater_for_christmas/
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A father goes to pick his daughter up from school

There is another mother waiting there
She asks, "Are you expecting a child?"
The father replies with, "No, this is just a beer belly "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y7vc6/a_father_goes_to_pick_his_daughter_up_from_school/
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I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain.

Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y7qpr/i_blame_my_wifes_cooking_for_my_weight_gain/
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What's a lemons worst nightmare?

Lemonaids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y7qgr/whats_a_lemons_worst_nightmare/
%
I was was going to tell a joke about sodium

But Na...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y7oqa/i_was_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_sodium/
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An American and his wife are on a trip to australia.

They're driving down the outback when the man sees a person fucking a kangaroo.
"that's disgusting" he says to his wife.
after another couple miles he sees ANOTHER man fucking a kangaroo.
"that's it, we're going to the police."
he drives to the police station where he sees a man without a leg masturbating on the doorstep.
"Officer, at kilometer marker 375 I saw a man fucking a kangaroo, at kilometer marker 462 I saw ANOTHER man fucking a kangaroo, and just now I saw a man masturbating on YOUR DOORSTEP! what kind of a country is this?"
"Strewth, mate. You expect a man without a leg to catch his own kangaroo?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y7lxt/an_american_and_his_wife_are_on_a_trip_to/
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What's wrong with female archeologists?

They date everything they see
And they love digging up the past

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y7k4e/whats_wrong_with_female_archeologists/
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I fell in love with a cucumber farmer.

We had many good years together but then, as these things do, it turned sour.
Long story short: I'm in a bit of a pickle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y7gqi/i_fell_in_love_with_a_cucumber_farmer/
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A horse walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English. He tells the horse,
"I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."
So the bartender goes to the back, and explains the situation to his manager. The manager thinks for a moment and then says to the bartender,
"Okay look, this is a bar so go ahead and serve that horse a beer. However considering he's a horse, he probably doesn't know how much beer costs, so go ahead and charge him $50 for it."
The bartender shrugs and goes back to the front, where the horse is still sitting, visibly watching football on the TV. The bartender gets to the bar and asks the horse,
"Okay, what'll you have?"
The horse turns back around and says,
"Gimme an IPA"
So the bartender pours him an IPA, and slides the beer across to him. He then slowly slides the $50 check across the bar to the horse. The horse picks up the check with his hooves, passively looks at it, pulls out his credit card, slowly slides it and the check back, and then calmly goes back to watching the game as he laps his beer. Now the bartender is still confused, the situation is difficult to get his head around, but he doesn't want to risk offending a 1000lb horse by asking the wrong questions. So he opts to start some small talk and says to the horse,
"You know, we don't really have too many horses coming in here."
The horse slowly, impassively turns back around to face the bartender and replies,
"You know with prices like these I'm not surprised at all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y7dlo/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why are masochist gathering in French bakeries?

Because they're full of pains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y79at/why_are_masochist_gathering_in_french_bakeries/
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Professor: “I’m going to have to report you for plagiarism.”

His words, not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y77j9/professor_im_going_to_have_to_report_you_for/
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The Billy Martin story...

This is a story told by Mickey Mantle about Billy Martin and if you haven’t heard it, it’s worth the read:
Billy Martin was gifted a new rifle and asked Mickey if he would take him deer hunting. Mickey told him he knew a doctor with hundreds of acres they could hunt on. Billy couldn’t wait.
So they get up early one morning and drive four hours out to the place and Mickey tells Billy to wait in the car while he chatted up the doctor.
Mickey knocks and the doctor is happy to see him and tells him that, of course, he’s welcome any time.
Mickey thanks him and turns back toward the car when the doctor asks-
“But, hey, I wonder if you’d do me a little favor: out by the barn is an old mule. He’s getting pretty old and, well, darn it, I don’t have the heart to put him down. Would you do it for me on the way down?”
“It’s the least I can do.”
So Mickey walks back to the car and gets the idea to play a little prank on Billy.
He gets in and acts all angry, slamming the door hard.
“That sonofabitch! He won’t let us hunt! Can you believe it? And after we drove all this way! I tell you what I’m gonna do- You see that old mule standing there? I’m gonna walk over and shoot it to teach him a lesson!”
So Mickey strolls over, puts the rifle to the animal’s head and shoots him dead. He can’t wait to turn around and see the look on Billy’s face- but all of a sudden, he hears- BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Mickey turns to his left, only to see Billy standing there with a smoking rifle.
“And just to make sure he learns- I shot three of his cows!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y73yr/the_billy_martin_story/
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Little Jimmy: "Dad, whats' a cunt?"

Dad: "It's the same as a vagina, son."
Little Jimmy: "What's a vagina?"
Dad: "Well..., It's something very special."
"Oh that's good", Jimmy said. "I heard Mommy talking about you to her friends..., and she thinks you're something very special!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y7039/little_jimmy_dad_whats_a_cunt/
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I'll admit that the Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart.

But doing it with their eyes closed... that's a bit cocky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6why/ill_admit_that_the_chinese_kids_in_math_class_are/
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What did the epileptic vegetarian often have for dinner?

Seizure salad...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6vx4/what_did_the_epileptic_vegetarian_often_have_for/
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A female officer is arresting a drunk driver

With her gun pointed towards the offender, she exclaims, “anything you say can and will be held against you!” The drunk takes one look at her and responds, “boobs!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6vho/a_female_officer_is_arresting_a_drunk_driver/
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Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6uxy/several_of_hitlers_generals_disappeared_after_the/
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When the electricity runs out

Those on the escalators will be the first to fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6svp/when_the_electricity_runs_out/
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Opinions are like mixtapes

I don't like to listen yours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6skp/opinions_are_like_mixtapes/
%
Studies show that women that are overweight tend to live longer

Or at least longer than the men that point it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6rna/studies_show_that_women_that_are_overweight_tend/
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If pro is the opposite of con...

What's the opposite of progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6rc5/if_pro_is_the_opposite_of_con/
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A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip..

..they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing.
The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6ogx/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_statistician_go_on/
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You know that look a woman gives you when she really wants sex?

Me neither.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6lyl/you_know_that_look_a_woman_gives_you_when_she/
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A kid is with his friends at school

One of his friends tells him, "If you want money go up to one of your parents and say I know the truth." The kid is like heck yeah I want money and goes up to his mom. "Mom I know the truth." The mom hands the kid 50 bucks and says, "Now your father doesn't need to hear about this right?" The kid thinks "Wow that worked great! I wonder if it works on other adults." So he goes to his mailman and says, "I know the truth." The mailman opens his arms wide and says, "Come here son!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6j67/a_kid_is_with_his_friends_at_school/
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A woman's husband had been slipping...

in and out of a comma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times... When I got fired, you were there to support me, when my business failed, you were there, when I got shot, you were by my side, when we lost the house, you stayed right here, when my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck. Why don't you fuck off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6ivn/a_womans_husband_had_been_slipping/
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A very shy guy goes into a pub...

and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I bought you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, "No, I won't sleep with you."
Everyone in the pub is now starting at them. Naturally the guy is completely embarrassed and slinks back to his table, totally red-faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his voice, "What do you mean $200?!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6hm8/a_very_shy_guy_goes_into_a_pub/
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I think my girlfriend is cheating on me

I can't be sure, but her pussy tastes like dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6hdd/i_think_my_girlfriend_is_cheating_on_me/
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There was a middle-aged couple...

who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child: "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6ggk/there_was_a_middleaged_couple/
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A businessman boarded a plane...

to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning, diamond ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr Klopman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6fov/a_businessman_boarded_a_plane/
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What's 96?

Two guys at a sleepover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6fbn/whats_96/
%
My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6f9r/my_wife_came_home_yesterday/
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Bubba was sitting on his porch with his buddies...

Joe Bob and Billy Ray, drinking Alone Star long necks discussing their wives' intelligence.
Joe Bob says, "My wife is so dumb she bought a Hoover vacuum cleaner and we don't even have electricity."
After a good laugh, Billy Ray says, "My wife is so dumb she bought a washing machine and we don't even have indoor plumbing."
After another good laugh, not to be outdone, Bubba says, "My wife is so dumb, the other day I was looking through her purse and found six rubbers, and she don't even have a penis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6ejo/bubba_was_sitting_on_his_porch_with_his_buddies/
%
A man is doing yard work...

and his wife is about to take a shower, when he realizes he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't understand him and looks out the window and signals, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is still not sure and says, "What?" And the man repeats his gestures. '**Eye knee the rake**'.
The wife nods that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close to understanding that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What the friggin' hell was that?" She replies, "**Eye left tit behind the bush**".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6dtw/a_man_is_doing_yard_work/
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When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha­­! That’s not going to help!”

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6bgb/when_my_wife_caught_me_standing_on_the_bathroom/
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y66tb/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
%
What's the difference between a job and a wife?

After 10 years, a job still sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y6064/whats_the_difference_between_a_job_and_a_wife/
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Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day

. The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".
to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"
"Did you get a blow job?"
"Naw, I couldnt find her head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y5y4h/two_homeless_men_are_standing_around_bragging/
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How much would you pay for a prostitute?

A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner. After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?".
She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50".
He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?"
and she replies "all of them".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y5xh0/how_much_would_you_pay_for_a_prostitute/
%
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y5uq4/on_the_way_there_he_tells_his_driver_that_looks_a/
%
A forbidden love

"I'm in love with one of my sheep," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my sheep."
"Hmmmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, GAY?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y5rl5/a_forbidden_love/
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A nun and a priest

decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.
The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap.
He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!".
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.
He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!".
The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again.
On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly.
Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God dammit, I missed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y5o8y/a_nun_and_a_priest/
%
A man goes to an animal shelter and sees a parrot without legs sitting on its stick.

"If you don't mind me asking," he asks the parrot, "how do you sit on that stick of yours without having feet to hold on to it?"
"Well, it's a little embarrassing," the parrot replies, "but I wrap my tiny little parrot penis around it and that's how I don't fall off. Gotta make do with what you've got, amirite?"
The man and the parrot talk for a while and eventually the man decides to bring the parrot home with him, and they soon become fast friends.
One day when the man comes home from work the parrot says he needs to tell him something. "It's about the mailman and your wife."
"What? What about the mailman and my wife?"
"Well.. I find it hard to tell you this, but because we've become so close and you take such good care of me, I believe it is my duty as your pet to be completely honest with you. This afternoon the mailman came by, and your wife opened the door wearing nothing but her underwear."
"What happened then?" The man asks angrily.
"She let him in.. and they started kissing."
"And then?"
"..He unclasped her bra.. and started playing with her breasts.. and then his hands went down.. and then.."
"What then!?"
"Then I got a boner and fell from my stick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y5i9i/a_man_goes_to_an_animal_shelter_and_sees_a_parrot/
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What do you call a cow who has had an abortion?

Decalfinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y5flx/what_do_you_call_a_cow_who_has_had_an_abortion/
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Did you hear about the block of flats that housed all the Chinese immigrants.

It was Wong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y5ds9/did_you_hear_about_the_block_of_flats_that_housed/
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Dark Matter is like the EA DLC of the Universe

95% of the content hidden away from the main game without first lots of grinding and getting a sense of pride and accomplishment to unlock it
cc r/outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y58zr/dark_matter_is_like_the_ea_dlc_of_the_universe/
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Why do programmers love winter?

Because there are no bugs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y57x0/why_do_programmers_love_winter/
%
Welcome to cucumber club...

“Is this your first time?"
"Yes, I'm a newcumber ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y550g/welcome_to_cucumber_club/
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Why did the blind guy almost fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y52bu/why_did_the_blind_guy_almost_fall_in_the_well/
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[NSFW] A dude and a nun are on a bus... [long]

Everyday the dude asks the nun if he can have sex with her. She politely says no.
This happens every couple of days.
One night after the nun gets off the bus, the bus driver tells the dude how to have sex with her. He says,
“she goes to the graveyard every night, and she asked god to have sex with her. Just take this mask
that looks like god and go to the graveyard tonight.”
So the dude shows up to the graveyard later that night and, low and behold, there is the nun.
The dude walks up and says, “I’m god, have sex with me.”
To which the nun replies, “I want to say a Virgin for my husband, so fuck me in the ass.”
So the dude fucks the nun in the ass. And when they have finished the dude whips the mask off and says, “HA! I’m the dude!”
The nun looks at the dude and whips off her mask. In reply she says, “HA! I’m the bus driver!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y51ef/nsfw_a_dude_and_a_nun_are_on_a_bus_long/
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An Oldie but a Goodie

One day a young Sioux brave asks his father, the tribal chief, how their names are chosen.
"Well, Son, after the child is born the father goes outside, and the first thing in nature he sees becomes the name, such as Running Deer or Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y4zld/an_oldie_but_a_goodie/
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Meanwhile in Wisconsin,

a local beer swilling cheese eating packer loving barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs. Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y4ygw/meanwhile_in_wisconsin/
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Love is like a fart

If you have to force it, it'll probably be shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y4ygh/love_is_like_a_fart/
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It's a nice day in the park. Birds are chirping and children are playing.

You get tired of walking and head over to a bench. There's another man there and he's-... HE'S JERKING OFF.
"DEAR GOD!" you exclaim, "THINK OF THE CHILDREN!"
"I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y4xrb/its_a_nice_day_in_the_park_birds_are_chirping_and/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee.

... Quiet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y4s8e/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
I was breastfeeding out in public earlier today and I was getting a lot of strange looks.

There are some things a dad just shouldn't do. Especially with someone else's child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y4pry/i_was_breastfeeding_out_in_public_earlier_today/
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If I ever get sent to prison I’m changing my name to mitochondria

I’ll want everyone to know I’m the powerhouse of the cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y4m0g/if_i_ever_get_sent_to_prison_im_changing_my_name/
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If hydrolysis is splitting things with water and electrolysis is splitting things with electricity...

... What is analysis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y4llf/if_hydrolysis_is_splitting_things_with_water_and/
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What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream an scratch at the top of the coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y4kxu/what_would_george_washington_do_if_he_were_alive/
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what's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

one snatches watches and the other watches snatches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y4i5g/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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What is the science or process of classifying living things?

Tax Bracketing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y4i54/what_is_the_science_or_process_of_classifying/
%
My wife wears my shirts around the house and I never freak out...

Wear one of her dresses once and it's the end of our marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y4hbp/my_wife_wears_my_shirts_around_the_house_and_i/
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There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog.

They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs behind and feed him for a month before the fair.
The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles.
After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out.
So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?"
"Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying.
The reporter asked, "What's the matter?"
The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y4h8d/there_were_these_three_farmers_that_wanted_to_win/
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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck a-- naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one f*****' bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best sex I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it and begged for more!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y49a4/a_drunken_man_walks_into_a_biker_bar_sits_down_at/
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A racist man walks into a bar...

He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him.
He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy."
As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him.
The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face.
Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man."
As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling.
visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man.
He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing.
Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?"
The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y465m/a_racist_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I didn’t really like the new Black Panther...

It felt like only 3/5ths of a movie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y45wn/i_didnt_really_like_the_new_black_panther/
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What does a hospital have in common with a refrigerator?

If you pull the plug the vegetables will decompose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y434i/what_does_a_hospital_have_in_common_with_a/
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What four words is Siri most tired of hearing?

"Hey Siri, Open Google"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y41gt/what_four_words_is_siri_most_tired_of_hearing/
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As a man, I've renamed my nipples Thoughts and Prayers.

.............because they're useless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y40k5/as_a_man_ive_renamed_my_nipples_thoughts_and/
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I want to make a joke about erectile dysfunction

But for some, it's not very uplifting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y4018/i_want_to_make_a_joke_about_erectile_dysfunction/
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Going to look at an apartment

Guest: Does this apartment come with a dishwasher?
Landlord: No, that's why we posted an ad...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3zfp/going_to_look_at_an_apartment/
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I don’t have a girlfriend.

But I do know a girl who would be really pissed if she heard me say that.
From the late, great, Mitch Hedberg. RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3wwr/i_dont_have_a_girlfriend/
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Eating your family is wrong, but eating your wife isn't.

This sounds wrong, but I'm no cunning linguist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3uti/eating_your_family_is_wrong_but_eating_your_wife/
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A biker walks into a bar

And sits down at the stool.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3uok/a_biker_walks_into_a_bar/
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When you suck at math, quick math is the best math.

Why waste time if you are going to be wrong anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3rqg/when_you_suck_at_math_quick_math_is_the_best_math/
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A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car...

A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3qcv/a_drunk_is_leaving_a_bar_and_heads_to_his_car/
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What's the difference between a nuclear power plant and your mom?

I wouldn't enter a nuclear power plant without protection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3o2p/whats_the_difference_between_a_nuclear_power/
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What do you call a crying glass of wine?

Tumblr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3nrl/what_do_you_call_a_crying_glass_of_wine/
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I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3llc/i_recently_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus had a baby.

That baby was a stone-gold motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3k4t/medusa_king_midas_and_oedipus_had_a_baby/
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Went to go see Black Panther today

And the employee at the concession stand asked wakanda snacks i wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3i65/went_to_go_see_black_panther_today/
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What happens when a cheese factory explodes?

De-brie goes everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3hhd/what_happens_when_a_cheese_factory_explodes/
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity...

I just can't put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3gsw/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
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I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3cem/i_was_diagnosed_with_narcissictic_personality/
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Three guys in a car, driving down the road.

Their names are Shit, Manners, and Shutup. Shit fell out of the car, Manners hopped out to pick him up, and Shutup got pulled over by a cop. the cop comes up to the window and says,
Cop - "Son, what's your name?"
"Shutup."
Cop -  "Uh, excuse me? what's your name?"
"Shut-up."
Cop -  "WHAT. IS. YOUR. NAME!?!"
"SHUT-UP!!!"
Cop - "Boy, where's your Manners?"
"Down the road picking up shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3bko/three_guys_in_a_car_driving_down_the_road/
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Monkeys.

After years of tedious interdisciplinary study, researchers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison confirmed that the reason monkeys throw feces is because they considered the target's behaviors to be acts of aggression.
... Talk hit, get shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y3bkl/monkeys/
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My kids were really excited when I took them to the zoo today, but upset to find it only had a dog

It was a shih tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y38rf/my_kids_were_really_excited_when_i_took_them_to/
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My friend lost his job because he didn't know another word for mortification.

Shame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y36tm/my_friend_lost_his_job_because_he_didnt_know/
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Kim jong il takes Kim jong un on a visit to a food processing company.

Il points at a machine and says: “This one, you put a pig into it and sausages will come out on the other side. The power of science is amazing!” To which Un replied: “ Is there a device then, where you put in a sausage, and pig comes out?”
•
Kim jong il: YOURMOM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y358x/kim_jong_il_takes_kim_jong_un_on_a_visit_to_a/
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What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut, you racist fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y31vq/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_on_the_moon/
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Hey girl, are you an angle?

Cos I'm sinning to know you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y31tv/hey_girl_are_you_an_angle/
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Johnny's parents buy a lie detector.

Every time the detector hears a lie, it goes "BEEP!".
Johnny comes home from school and they ask him: "What grade did you get today?"
He says: "An A!"
BEEP!
Then he says: "OK, I got a C."
BEEP!
"Fine, I got an F."
His mom says: "Shame on you! When I went to school, I had straight As!"
BEEP!
Then the dad says: "When I went to school..."
BEEP!
Surprised, Johnny asks him: "Dad, you didn't go to school?!"
Dad says: "Don't yell at me like that! I'm your father!"
BEEP!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y2zvx/johnnys_parents_buy_a_lie_detector/
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All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y2zlz/all_these_people_getting_emails_from_the_prince/
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I was doing 69 with my maths teacher but she died halfway through

I guess that made it a 33.5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y2yr0/i_was_doing_69_with_my_maths_teacher_but_she_died/
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My warm-up is your workout!

But only because neither of us exercise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y2yo1/my_warmup_is_your_workout/
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My childhood was effectively over at 11.

That's when the bars closed and my uncle came home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y2xn9/my_childhood_was_effectively_over_at_11/
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She wanted to try 'morning sex'

So I killed her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y2x2y/she_wanted_to_try_morning_sex/
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Orgasms are like opinions.

Mine is more important and I don't care if she has one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y2t2s/orgasms_are_like_opinions/
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Hey, did you hear about those dyslexic devil worshippers?

They sold their souls to Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y2sth/hey_did_you_hear_about_those_dyslexic_devil/
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A man with heart disease suspected his wife was cheating on him...

So he came home from work early one day to find the door locked so he unlocked it and walked in, all he found was his wife and laying in bed naked.
He lit his cigarette and took a look out the window to see a young man running out of the door pulling his pants up, the man picks up the mini fridge next to him and throws it in rage.
A few minutes later he dies of cardiac arrest.
So there are three guys in gods waiting room, god asks
"So how you die"
The first guy says " I died of a cardiac arrest "
The second guy says " I was late for work and had to use a toilet so I asked this lady, and as I was walking out a fucking mini fridge landed on my head"
The third guy says " I was minding my own business in a fridge...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y2py0/a_man_with_heart_disease_suspected_his_wife_was/
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any of his Pixar movies,

Except one,
He’s never gonna give you Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y2oq6/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_of_his_pixar/
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I made a joke about freedom

North Koreans didn't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y2jaa/i_made_a_joke_about_freedom/
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How can you tell if your roommate is gay?

His cock tastes like shit..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y2j88/how_can_you_tell_if_your_roommate_is_gay/
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Why are men so smart while having sex?

Because they are plugged into a know-it-all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y2de9/why_are_men_so_smart_while_having_sex/
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3 Guys went fishing

While at sea their ship sinks. They wash up on what they assumed was a deserted island. They walk around for a few hours and find a tribe. These people turn out to be cannibals who are ready to eat them. The 3 of them beg for their lives and the leader of the tribe offers them a chance to not only spare their lives but to join the tribe. They ask what do they have to do. The leader tells them they have to complete 2 tasks. The first is to go to the jungle and bring back 10 of any one kind of fruit. So they all go into the jungle and the first guy comes back he has 10 apples. The leader looks at him and says ok for your next step stick them up your ass without making a sound. The guy reluctantly begins and gets all the way up to 4 before screaming out in pain. They kill him, eat him and he goes to heaven. The second guy comes back with 10 grapes. They tell him the same thing and he starts popping them in there.He gets up to 9 when he bursts out laughing. They kill him, eat him and he goes up to heaven. The first guy finds the second guy in heaven and says "Dude, what happened you were so close why did you laugh?" The second guy replies "I couldn't help myself I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y2csf/3_guys_went_fishing/
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Why do rednecks never do reverse cowgirl?

Because they never turn their back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y277z/why_do_rednecks_never_do_reverse_cowgirl/
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I bought my girlfriend a pink vibrator for valentines day.

She told me as long as she has me she won't need it. I told her "actually that's what I'm here to talk about"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y23tc/i_bought_my_girlfriend_a_pink_vibrator_for/
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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y22zh/my_wife_accused_me_of_hating_her_family_and/
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What sound does a Chinese goose make?

Hong Kong!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y212m/what_sound_does_a_chinese_goose_make/
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I found my boomerang with RAM glued to it

Man that thing brought back memories

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y1vwt/i_found_my_boomerang_with_ram_glued_to_it/
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Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting.

I think I am understanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y1v5h/because_of_all_the_studying_i_spend_an_unhealthy/
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Mayday Mayday

I need to prove to a French friend that the French language had zero influence on the English language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y1tso/mayday_mayday/
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What's long, green, and smells like pork?

Kermit the Frog's fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y1l8w/whats_long_green_and_smells_like_pork/
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What does a duck say when it gets hit by an avocado truck?

"Guac, guac!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y1hcm/what_does_a_duck_say_when_it_gets_hit_by_an/
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Just found out I'm into incest, just like my dad!

I guess he rubbed off on me a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y1fmq/just_found_out_im_into_incest_just_like_my_dad/
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If a man who stutters goes to jail,

Does he end up with a longer sentence?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y1bjo/if_a_man_who_stutters_goes_to_jail/
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Japanese Banking Crisis

Worrying news from the Japanese financial markets. Following last week`s disclosure that the Origami Bank had folded, we hear that the Sumo Bank has just gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived, 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and Karaoke Bank is up for sale and going for a song. Analysts also report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. But Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y1ac1/japanese_banking_crisis/
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If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman...

You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y1a75/if_you_made_a_corn_labyrinth_in_the_likeness_of_a/
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My ex boss's house just burned down...

You know what they say, fight fired with fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y17pz/my_ex_bosss_house_just_burned_down/
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The stolen credit card.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: Coz the thief was spending less than my wife.
Police:Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: Well, I think now the thief's wife has started to use it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y14ug/the_stolen_credit_card/
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What do pizza and sex have in common?

When it’s good it’s mind blowing good but when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y13rv/what_do_pizza_and_sex_have_in_common/
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What do you call a weak ape?

A chimpansy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y13he/what_do_you_call_a_weak_ape/
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I always give 100% in everything I do

Donating blood now, can’t wait to add this to the list of thi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y13fr/i_always_give_100_in_everything_i_do/
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A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y12sx/a_joke_is_like_a_frog/
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Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y11tq/communism_jokes_are_not_funny/
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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y10ey/on_my_first_day_in_prison_my_cellmate_said_to_me/
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What do you call a dog travelling back in time to sniff its own butt?

A pair o'dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y0yl8/what_do_you_call_a_dog_travelling_back_in_time_to/
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How do you smell once you get of bed?

Like sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y0vav/how_do_you_smell_once_you_get_of_bed/
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I've only been in jail for three minutes and I've already been raped three times.

I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y0qsf/ive_only_been_in_jail_for_three_minutes_and_ive/
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Donald Trump.

I heard this was the subreddit for old jokes that aren't funny and won't die.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
______________________________________________________
**Edit:** My goal (reddit bucket list type thing) was to create an organic, original, and "successful" joke that made the front page of /r/jokes.  I did, and appreciate that you guys appreciated the joke.
&nbsp;
P.S. Secret Service, NSA, and CIA...Please don't show up on my front door. I know everyone gets all Delores Umbridge uptight and sensitive about this type of stuff, but this is simply a joke.
&nbsp;
P.P.S **(unpopular political opinion warning)** For the record: Despite the fact that I disagree with the President on several things, I'd actually give my life and — hear me out on this — *every* American should (even if you hate every living fiber of him) be willing to give their life to protect Donald Trump as you're portecting far more than the President; *you're protecting the Presidency.*  I get it's not a popular opinion, but, to me, Presidents of the United States are the human version of Lady Liberty; even if the President doesn't quite (or completely fails to) embody the values She represents.
P.P.P.S. Fuck politics, let's all just be nice to each other, eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y0q61/donald_trump/
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Why did the zoophile like to have sex with chickens?

He had a tiny pecker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y0bda/why_did_the_zoophile_like_to_have_sex_with/
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What do you call a gay bar without any bar stools?

A Fruit Stand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y07xk/what_do_you_call_a_gay_bar_without_any_bar_stools/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. ‘My friend is dead! What should I do?’ The operator replies, ‘Calm down, sir.
I can help. First make sure that he’s dead.’ There’s a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, ‘Ok, now what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y03g1/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
I got knocked out by a dyslexic boxer

OK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xzlj0/i_got_knocked_out_by_a_dyslexic_boxer/
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What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

There’s no video of Trump paying to have Russian garbanzo bean on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xzk3y/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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What Do You Call a Cheap Circumcision

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xzcz8/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Journalist to Abused Wife

Journalist : Do you know what your husband does in his free time ?
Wife : *shrugs*  beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xzbuf/journalist_to_abused_wife/
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Anesthesia

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.
His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.
Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."
Startled, she asked him, "What happened to beautiful?"
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xz9qa/anesthesia/
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What do you call an orgy in the hen house?

A cluckster fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xz7xr/what_do_you_call_an_orgy_in_the_hen_house/
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Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xz4ab/why_was_the_little_ink_drop_crying/
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Why did the alligator and crocodile leave the olympics so upset?

They both cayman last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xyytq/why_did_the_alligator_and_crocodile_leave_the/
%
I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xyxxv/i_told_myself_i_should_stop_drinking/
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The other day, I was having sex with this married woman, when her husband came home early.

She told me I’d have to use the back door and said I’d have to be quick.
On reflection, I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xywhz/the_other_day_i_was_having_sex_with_this_married/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone told millennials to stop being dramatic and entitled...

I still wouldn’t be able to afford a fucking house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xyvwq/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_told/
%
“My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.”

“Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?”
“The judge told him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xyvpu/my_grandfather_knew_the_exact_time_of_the_exact/
%
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xytvf/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_minister_decide_to_see/
%
Why are coyotes howling in the night?

Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xytds/why_are_coyotes_howling_in_the_night/
%
Phoned my wife and asked if she wanted me to pick Fish and Chips up after work..

She just grunted at me..
Think she regrets letting me name the twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xys6g/phoned_my_wife_and_asked_if_she_wanted_me_to_pick/
%
What is the most common reply that Mark Zuckerberg gets when he makes a post?

Good bot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xyrom/what_is_the_most_common_reply_that_mark/
%
Two nuns are riding down a street on bikes

One says to the other "I've never come this way before."
The other smiles and says "neither have I. Must be the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xypvw/two_nuns_are_riding_down_a_street_on_bikes/
%
The President of the United States is going to debate the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Nobody's sure who's going to win.

Trump may trump May, May may trump Trump.
r/wordavalanches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xypou/the_president_of_the_united_states_is_going_to/
%
My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday.

That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xypmr/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
%
I went to the Zoo yesterday and there was a baguette in one of the cages.

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xypge/i_went_to_the_zoo_yesterday_and_there_was_a/
%
An old man sits down next to a rather happy looking young man at the bus stop

The old man comments on the younger's glowing countenance.
"I just got married last week!" The young man explains.
"Ah, I've been married for 49 years," replies the old man.
"That's incredible," the young man says in admiration, "What's your secret?"
The old man replies, "Well, early on times were hard and I knew I had to do something drastic to make our marriage work. So, I scraped together my savings for years and on our fifth anniversary, I took her to Paris."
The young man says in awe, "That's amazing! What are you going to do for your 50th anniversary?"
The old man sighs, looks off into the distance and quietly says, "Bring her back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xyorg/an_old_man_sits_down_next_to_a_rather_happy/
%
A top model, a gay and a Redditor end up on a deserted island.

First day, top model sneaks up and whispers to redditor: Kill him and let's continue our sexual life.
Second day, gay sneaks up and whispers the same thing: Kill her and let's continue our sexual life.
Third day, redditor kills both of them and continues his sexual life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xyl63/a_top_model_a_gay_and_a_redditor_end_up_on_a/
%
Hearing Better Now

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now."
“Oh no," the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xyi39/hearing_better_now/
%
I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"
Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...
No wait... There it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xyeyi/i_got_thrown_out_of_math_class_today/
%
I think my crippled neighbor might be gay.

I am not sure if I should call him a fruit or a vegetable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xycmp/i_think_my_crippled_neighbor_might_be_gay/
%
Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter, it's an anagram.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xyc0l/son_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
%
Alcoholics don't run in my family.

They stumble around and break shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xy8f8/alcoholics_dont_run_in_my_family/
%
My Uncle gave me advice for a bear attack

He said, 'You'll want to rub shit in its eyes.' I replied, 'Where will I get shit?' to which he responded, 'believe me boy, there will be shit.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xy7wh/my_uncle_gave_me_advice_for_a_bear_attack/
%
A man walks into a bar

The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replys " I just found out that my wife is sleeping with another man. So I am going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and say " I am sorry but I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks, " Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says, " If I found out that a guy was sleeping with my wife then I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill that guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts, " That's a great idea! Thanks!" and rund out of the bar. A couple of hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the guy walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" Thr bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xy754/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A thief goes to the theater

He stole the show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xy6uc/a_thief_goes_to_the_theater/
%
I would make a joke about communism....

but you would all get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xy5pe/i_would_make_a_joke_about_communism/
%
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xy5dv/what_is_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
%
What's the only thing worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

The Holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxyfy/whats_the_only_thing_worse_than_biting_into_an/
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How doggy style got its name

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.  The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.  The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.  Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.  His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxxvn/how_doggy_style_got_its_name/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

Oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxuyh/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
Hard elbow

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxutt/hard_elbow/
%
What's an acorn ?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxsd7/whats_an_acorn/
%
A drunk man at the carnival...

A horribly drunk man stumbled up to a carnival game booth and sloppily picked up the air rifle. On his very first shot he knocked the target down, much to the game operator's astonishment.
"Wow, sir that was amazing," said the operator as he handed the drunkard a live turtle. "You'll be going home with our grand prize."
The drunk man was absolutely ecstatic and disappeared back into the crowd, only to return thirty minutes later. Once again he picked up the air rifle, shot down the target, and wowed the game operator. He was handed another turtle and he wandered happily back into the crowd.
Another thirty minutes later, he was back. Again, he shot the target on his first attempt. "Look sir," said the shocked game operator. "I can't deny your skill but I'm afraid we've run out of turtles."
"Who said anything about *turtles*?" the drunk man blurted out. "I just wanted another one of your crunchy meat pies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxrfo/a_drunk_man_at_the_carnival/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

At least outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxqzf/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
What do a vegan and a sexual deviant have in common?

They both get excited when they see a chickpea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxqae/what_do_a_vegan_and_a_sexual_deviant_have_in/
%
Science builds airplanes and skyscrapers...

but it's religion that brings them together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxpe7/science_builds_airplanes_and_skyscrapers/
%
A man walks inside a library..

And ask librarian for a book named "Psyco The Rapist". Librarian told him they have no such book.
After a while man returns with abbook in his hand and slams it in front of librarian and said "What is this then?".
Librarian picks up the book and reads the title "Psychotherapist".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxk2f/a_man_walks_inside_a_library/
%
At any given moment, the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away

A whim away. A whim away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxjby/at_any_given_moment_the_urge_to_sing_the_lion/
%
On your knees everyone!

After a seminar on 'Your words are powerful' I decided to test my power.
.
So I walked into a banking hall with my right hand in my bag and shouted, " On your knees everyone!"
.
Before I could blink, everybody had obeyed me. Some people even laid face down.
.
After a while I brought out the bible  and said, "let us pray..."
.
I think the seminar guy took my money, all I got in the end was a night in jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxima/on_your_knees_everyone/
%
It was an emotional wedding.....

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxhyh/it_was_an_emotional_wedding/
%
Little Johnny’s Story With A Moral

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand.  "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.  Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next.  "My dad owns a farm too.  Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.  Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny.  "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.  He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.  On the way down, he drank the case of beer.  Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.  He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!  So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.  Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked.  After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxfjp/little_johnnys_story_with_a_moral/
%
What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast comes up brown on BOTH sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxcsq/whats_the_difference_between_toilet_paper_and/
%
Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxc93/prison_may_be_just_one_word/
%
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot 🥕

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxa5e/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
Why do dogs have collars and cats don't?

Because no one likes cat collars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xxa4l/why_do_dogs_have_collars_and_cats_dont/
%
Whenever I go anywhere there are always lines after lines after lines!

God I FUCKING love cocaine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xx92y/whenever_i_go_anywhere_there_are_always_lines/
%
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "£100 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xx6qh/i_was_in_a_job_interview_today_when_the_manager/
%
Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xwvzw/why_did_the_hipster_drown/
%
Alessandro was all excited to emigrate to America from Italy

But just few days later he was back in his home town. His friends asked him “Alessandro wha happen?”
Alessandro said “Well I landa in New York and its a too cold. I say America land of the free, I go anywhere do anything. I taka the train to Florida. On the train, I smoka cigarette. The conducta say you canna do that here, you go to the esmokin car. I said  I thought this land of the free? I go to esmokin car. I come back later and I spread out my luncha in the eseat next to me. The conducta say you canna do that here, go to the dynin car. Uffa!!! I said I thought this the land of the free? I go to the dynin car. When I there, I meet a Virginia. Mamma Mia! This girl maka Gina Lollabridgida look like  my uncle Giuseppe. I kiss Virginia, the conducta say you canna do that here, go to the esleepin car. This time Alessandro say no problem! I get to the esleepin car and mi cazzo is ready for Virginia, then the train, its stops! I looka out the window. The sign it say Norfolk, Virginia.
Alessandro go back to Italy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xwt1q/alessandro_was_all_excited_to_emigrate_to_america/
%
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".

Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xwqnz/teacher_tell_me_a_sentence_that_starts_with_an_i/
%
I'd like to thank my hands...

I'd like to thank my hands for always being at my side, my legs for supporting me through thick and thin, and my fingers... Because I can always count on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xwq46/id_like_to_thank_my_hands/
%
The veteran’s affairs office requests several ex-soldiers to come by and hear about a new pension plan.

“Alright men,” the official begins, “we’ve tried out a lot of pension plans in the past and none of them have worked out. At this point, we’re winging it. We’re going to measure between two points of your body, and whatever the distance is in inches, that’s how many thousand dollars you’ll get. So think about what two points of your body are furthest apart and we’ll get started.”
The first soldier to be measured is pretty tall, so he requests that the measurement be taken from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. The man with the measuring tape says “73 inches, that’ll be 73 thousand dollars.” The soldier receives his check and goes home.
The second soldier has long arms, so he requests that he be measured from one fingertip to the other with his arms outstretched. It’s 74 inches. He gets his check and goes home.
The third soldier is a grizzled old sergeant whose face is pockmarked with scars. As the measurer approaches he says “I want you to measure from the front of my pecker to the back of my balls.”
“Listen,” the VA official tells him, “I really think you should reconsider. You’ve got your future to think about.” The old sergeant stays firm in his request and pulls down his pants.
The measurer approaches with the tape but pauses upon inspecting the sergeant’s undercarriage. “Sir,” he says, “where are your balls?”
“Vietnam.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xwpgq/the_veterans_affairs_office_requests_several/
%
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xwly7/when_i_was_a_boy_i_had_a_disease_that_required_me/
%
Another of my favorite childhood jokes: taking the dog to the vet

A woman became concerned about her dog after he started showing little interest in things he used to love. She also noticed him spending most of the day sleeping and lagging behind on walks, so she decided to take him to the vet.
The vet picked up the dog and checked him all over, intensely studying the dog's condition. After a couple minutes, the vet said, "I'm going to have to put him down."
The woman teared up at the thought of losing her best friend and asked why.
The vet said, "Because my arms are getting tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xwl0z/another_of_my_favorite_childhood_jokes_taking_the/
%
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xwkvg/how_many_surrealists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Once upon a time in ancient times

There was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.
In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not believe this, and he firmly believed the soul was stored in comets, since they were sent from the heavens down to Earth.
Most would laugh at him, saying, "You are ridiculous to believe that someone's soul would be stored in comets after they pass! You surely can't be serious!"
But Joke kept his belief, and his family stood firmly behind him on it as well, believing it just as much as he did.
When he died, there was a service, and they buried him at night. At the end of his burial, everyone looked up to the stars.
They all whispered quietly, "A new star is born for Joke, who has passed on from us into the heavens."
Everyone said this except for his family.
They whispered in unison to one another, "The real Joke is always in the comets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xwjco/once_upon_a_time_in_ancient_times/
%
Why are there no TV's in Afghanistan?

Because of the Teleban.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xwfnx/why_are_there_no_tvs_in_afghanistan/
%
My best Friend Wasted His Medical School Training

After seven years of medical school and training my good friend  was fired because of one little indiscretion, and can no longer work in the profession he had dedicated his life to.  He slept with a patient.  He is still paying back student loans. His family is devastated.  It's such a damn shame because he was a good guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xw83f/my_best_friend_wasted_his_medical_school_training/
%
What do you call a gay Irish couple?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xw6wf/what_do_you_call_a_gay_irish_couple/
%
Son: "Dad, what do condoms do?"

Dad: "They prevent questions just like this one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xw5hd/son_dad_what_do_condoms_do/
%
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xw5c9/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
%
How Do You Keep Canadian Bacon From Curling

You take away their little brooms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xw31i/how_do_you_keep_canadian_bacon_from_curling/
%
There was this guy who took his girlfriend to prom...

He waited in a really long line to get some tickets.
After he finally got them, he goes to rent a limo, there is also a really long line, but he finally rents the limo.
Then at the prom he goes to get some punch. There is no punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xvxrc/there_was_this_guy_who_took_his_girlfriend_to_prom/
%
Kid: What do condoms do?

Dad: Nothing, apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xvvsz/kid_what_do_condoms_do/
%
Whenever a job interviewer asks what my strongest trait is, I tell them I’m responsible.

Because at my old job whenever something bad happened my coworkers would always say, “Eric is responsible.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xvslz/whenever_a_job_interviewer_asks_what_my_strongest/
%
The subway guy wrapped my sandwich the same way I wrap up my penis before sex.

He didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xvp1t/the_subway_guy_wrapped_my_sandwich_the_same_way_i/
%
I ordered my girlfriend flowers on Valentine's day

that didn't arrive (or were stolen from the porch), so I gave her the delivery confirmation instead.
Apparently it's not really the thought that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xvk1i/i_ordered_my_girlfriend_flowers_on_valentines_day/
%
I dumped my lazy eyed g/f

I think she was seeing someone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xvgrh/i_dumped_my_lazy_eyed_gf/
%
My wife and I have been married for quite a few years

and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.
I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xvdu9/my_wife_and_i_have_been_married_for_quite_a_few/
%
Why are white girls so odd?

Because they can’t even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xvdih/why_are_white_girls_so_odd/
%
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200’s?

Medieval Knievel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xvc1m/what_do_you_call_a_stunt_rider_from_the_1200s/
%
A joke from a friend.

4 beer company owners walk into a bar. The owners of Bud, Miller, Coors, and Guiness.
The bartender asks for what they want.
The owner of Bud replies with Bud Light.
The owner of Coors replies with Coors light.
The owner of Miller replies with Miller light.
The owner of Guiness replies with water.
All the other owners stare at him and he says if you aren't drinking real beers neither am I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xvbe7/a_joke_from_a_friend/
%
A Spitfire Pilot

A WW2 Spitfire pilot was speaking in a church, reminiscing about his war experiences.
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."
There are a few gasps from the parishioners and several of the children began to giggle.
"I looked up and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then though, the other fokker was right on my tail."
At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment.
The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German aircraft company that made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."
"Yes that's true," says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xva6m/a_spitfire_pilot/
%
Satan's first day on the job

Human: "So i get anything I want?"
Satan: "Absolutely."
Human: "You say all you want is my shoe?"
Satan: "Just the bottom part, but yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xv93u/satans_first_day_on_the_job/
%
What's the Syrian girl doing on the swing?

Annoying the sniper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xv4re/whats_the_syrian_girl_doing_on_the_swing/
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If laziness was an Olympic sport...

I’d come in 4th, just so I wouldn’t have to walk up to the podium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xuzc6/if_laziness_was_an_olympic_sport/
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The tale of the talented frog

A man sidles up to a woman in a bar and gets chatting to her. Once he’s piqued her interest he says, “Do you want to buy a frog? It’s just $1000.”
“Are you crazy?!” remarks the lady, “Why is it so expensive?”
“Well madam,” says the man, “this frog is specially trained in the art of cunnilingus. Place him between your legs and he’ll give you an orgasm within minutes.”
Intrigued the woman agrees and pays the man. She immediately rushes home, gets undressed and, as instructed, places the frog between her legs. However, after a minute or two the frog hasn’t moved an inch. Irate she calls the man and demands to know why the frog hasn’t performed.
“Give me a moment and I’ll come over and get him working,” says the man.
A little while later the man arrives and they head straight to the bedroom. Again, the woman places the frog between her naked thighs and, again, the frog does nothing. “Well?!” exclaims the woman, “why won’t it do anything?”
The man turns to the frog and sighs, before saying, “Okay, you little bastard, this is the last time I’m going to show you how.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xuyop/the_tale_of_the_talented_frog/
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I used to misread music a lot

I guess you can say that wasn't my forte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xuxer/i_used_to_misread_music_a_lot/
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How does Lady Gaga like her steaks?

Raw-raw-raw-ah-ah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xux7y/how_does_lady_gaga_like_her_steaks/
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One time I tripped and spilled my drink on someone in the middle of a joke they were telling.

I never heard the end of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xux5p/one_time_i_tripped_and_spilled_my_drink_on/
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What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

Micro trans-action

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xupwr/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_transgender_midgets/
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I became the world's greatest magician when I was born

My first trick was making my father disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xukwi/i_became_the_worlds_greatest_magician_when_i_was/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...

they'd eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xukna/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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How to lose a limb in star wars?

Be a Jedi and a Skywalker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xuhrb/how_to_lose_a_limb_in_star_wars/
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Where are the penguins?

A man is driving down the highway when he sees a transport truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, “Quick! You’ve gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for my auto club!” The man agrees and drives off with the penguins.
After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There’s no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, when who does he see leaving the theater but the guy who said he’d help him, 25 penguins still in tow.
“What happened!” the truck driver screams. “I told you to take them to the zoo!”
“I did,” the man answers. “But I had a little money left over, so I thought I’d take them to a movie too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xugto/where_are_the_penguins/
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My hot mother-in-law seduced me.

I was dropping off something for my wife when she called me upstairs and started touching my chest. My father-in-law was not home, apparently. She told me that she'd always thought I was cute as she started caressing her own body, trying to seduce me.
She told me I had two options.
1. I could just leave and we would never speak of this.
2. I could fuck her brains out just this once and nobody would ever have to know.
I took my hard-on with me and ran downstairs, out of the house and towards my car.
Then I saw them; both my wife and her dad were standing in front of my car, hoping I would just run out. My wife, crying, hugged and kissed me while my father-in-law shook my hand, saying how he always knew I was a good boy and the best son-in-law he could have wished for.
So what did we learn from this?
Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xucop/my_hot_motherinlaw_seduced_me/
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This is really my meanest joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xua48/this_is_really_my_meanest_joke/
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A farmer in rural Iowa knocks on his neighbor's door....

A boy of about 9 answered the door, and the farmer asked, "Are your parents home?"
"No," said the young man, "Mom and Dad went to town."
"Well, what about your brother Billy?  Is he home?"
"No, Billy went with Mom and Dad into town."
The farmer scowled and said, "I need to talk to someone about Billy getting my daughter pregnant!"
The boy replied, "You'll have to talk to Dad about that.  He charges $500 for the bull and $75 for the pig, but I don't know what he charges for Billy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xu8hm/a_farmer_in_rural_iowa_knocks_on_his_neighbors/
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A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xu8fn/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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Johnny's class is getting ready for lunch

Johnny usually brings his lunch, but today he doesn't seem to have it and looks concerned.  The teacher asks, "Johnny, is everything ok?"
Johnny replies, "well, my dad forgot to pack my damn lunch."
The teacher is taken aback, and says, "Johnny! What would your dad say if he heard you say that?"
Johnny thinks a bit and responds, "he'd say, 'Shit! I forgot to pack his damn lunch!'"
(Full disclosure, this was a real interaction my mom had with one of her students a while back)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xu4ca/johnnys_class_is_getting_ready_for_lunch/
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Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism?

Because you have to be alive to be autistic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xu1e9/do_you_know_why_more_vaccinated_than_unvaccinated/
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What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?

One wags it's tale, the other tags a whale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xu01l/whats_the_difference_between_a_dog_and_a_marine/
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Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

He had a chicken stapled to his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xtzoy/why_did_the_punk_rocker_cross_the_road/
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A man goes in to a public toilet and sees a man with no arms standing by the urinal. The armless man turns to him and says, ''Could you help me, please? My zip needs undoing."

''Okay.'' says the first man, and he pulls down the man's zip.
The armless man then says, ''Could you take it out for me?''
''Um, well, okay." says the first man. He pulls the armless man's dick out of his pants and sees that it is covered in red bumps, green veins and brown scabs oozing with yellow pus. It really stinks too!
''Could you point it for me?" asks the armless man.
The other man tries to hold the horrible dick steady while the armless man has a pee. When he's finished, the armless man says, ''Now could you put it back in?''
''Sure.'' says the first man.
He shakes the putrid dick dry, stuffs it back in the armless man's trousers and does up his fly. "Thank you." says the armless man. ''I really appreciate that.''
''No problem." says the first man. ''But I've got to ask you something. What the hell is wrong with your dick?"
The other guy pulls his arms out of his jacket and says, "I don't know, but i sure ain't touching it...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xtzak/a_man_goes_in_to_a_public_toilet_and_sees_a_man/
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A young Arab boy asks his father What is that strange hat you are wearing?

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.'
In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body,”
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches' keep us from burning our feet.”
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son."
"Why are we still wearing all this shit, when we live in London!!
From Russianbots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xtvfz/a_young_arab_boy_asks_his_father_what_is_that/
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A Jake Paul fan walked into a bar

and got kicked out for being 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xtnck/a_jake_paul_fan_walked_into_a_bar/
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A man was pulled over for doing 50 in a 30 zone... [Long]

A man was pulled over for doing 50 in a 30 zone, and the police officer comes up to him and asks for his license and registration. The guy replies "I don't think that would be the best idea, seeing as it's not there, this is a stolen car. I stole it."
The officer, a little surprised, says "So it won't be in the glovebox when I open it?"
The guy adds "Not a good idea to open the glovebox. There's a loaded gun in there. Unregistered, serial number's been filed off, it was likely smuggled into the area as well."
The officer is very taken aback by this, and asks if there's anything in the trunk he should know about.
"Well, the problem with the trunk is that there's a dead body in there."
The officer calls for backup dealing with this, and when backup arrives, the officer has his gun to the guy, who's out of the car and cuffed on the ground. The backup officer searches the car and goes up to the guy, and says "Sir, my partner says that the car was stolen and there's a loaded gun in the glovebox, but it was just the registration and insurance information in your name. He also said there was a dead body in the trunk, but it was just juggling supplies."
The guy replies "Yeah, and I'll bet you the son of a bitch told you I was speeding as well!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xtj7s/a_man_was_pulled_over_for_doing_50_in_a_30_zone/
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Did you hear the names that drummer gave his four daughters?

Anna One, Anna Two, Anna Three, Anna Four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xti4h/did_you_hear_the_names_that_drummer_gave_his_four/
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I like to pick up girls at gas station convenience stores.

Why? Simple math.
Everyone knows the Hotness scale of 0-10. However, not many know the amount of people at each level.
Assuming 7.4 Billion people there are:
~5 billion 5's
~1 billion 6's
~100 million 7's
~9 million 8's
~220 thousand 9's
~2 thousand 10's.
Now the scale is weighted upwards. So 6's are all people between 6 and 6.99999, 7's are people between 7 and 7.9999 etc.
However, this means that 10's are actually 10's and up.
So the eternal question, are there 11's?
Yes, there are 11's and that's why I hang out at convenience stores for you see,
There are exactly 7-11's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xtgsz/i_like_to_pick_up_girls_at_gas_station/
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Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.
Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.
Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not possible.
Euclid: Why not?
Eubulides: Imagine that I have a heap of sand in front of me. Suppose I were to take a single grain away from the heap of sand. Is it still the same heap?
Euclid: Well, perhaps...
Eubulides: Now suppose I were to continue taking away grains of sand one by one. Eventually, you'd agree, the heap is no longer the same.
Euclid: Yes, I agree that it would be different at some point.
Eubulides: Then you understand precisely my problem! Just as the heap of sand changes as grains are removed, I have also changed over this past year. The Eubulides who promised to pay you 50 drachma no longer exists. So you see, it's impossible for me to ever pay you back.
Euclid pauses to think for a moment. He then proceeds to beat up Eubulides and take his 50 drachma.
Eubulides: Ow! What'd you do that for?
Euclid: Who? Me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xtath/two_greek_philosophers_get_into_an_argument/
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I'm gonna dress up as Forest Gump tonight and go to the movies and make a a scene.

Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xt9te/im_gonna_dress_up_as_forest_gump_tonight_and_go/
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You know r/science cures cancer every other week,

but the site admins always manage to get Reddit up and running again very quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xt59x/you_know_rscience_cures_cancer_every_other_week/
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I was gonna make a joke about a tiny pole...

But then I realised it was a wee post

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xt481/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_about_a_tiny_pole/
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Did you hear about the guy who spent six months making a belt out of watches?

He said it was a waist of time.
(as told to me last night by my 10 year old).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xsu1d/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_spent_six_months/
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If you snort coke, you get high. If you snort flour...

..you get baked.
...frighteningly, my 5th grader came up with this while we were having a discussion about drugs and what he might end up seeing in Middle School next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xst0e/if_you_snort_coke_you_get_high_if_you_snort_flour/
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English is not the easiest of languages

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xslk2/english_is_not_the_easiest_of_languages/
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Three Irish Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.
‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xsedu/three_irish_brothers/
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So there was this Vegan who decided not to talk about being a vegan for a whole day...

Just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xse76/so_there_was_this_vegan_who_decided_not_to_talk/
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A Mexican magician stands before his audience.

“And for my last trick. I will disappear on the count of 3... Uno. Dos.” *Poof* and the magician vanished, without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xsbz9/a_mexican_magician_stands_before_his_audience/
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Why weren't the Nazi canine units executed for war crimes?

They were just following odors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xs9g2/why_werent_the_nazi_canine_units_executed_for_war/
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The person who invented the Lint-Roller

Really helped to get me out of some hairy situations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xs8bh/the_person_who_invented_the_lintroller/
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What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch?

Names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xs87p/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_no_arms_and_an_eye/
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What do you call a sad dog that likes to eat fruit?

A melon-collie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xs5ae/what_do_you_call_a_sad_dog_that_likes_to_eat_fruit/
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I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body

but then I was born...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xs532/i_used_to_feel_like_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
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Four Friends At A Party...

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xrspc/four_friends_at_a_party/
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At school there's this kid named Euell. He's kinda slow and gets picked on a lot.

Apparently this group of kids have really taken advantage of Euell this week.
They pretend to be his friend so they can push infront of him in the lunch line. He went out with them last night so they could use his car, but they ditched him when they arrived. They even stooped low enough to make him to do all of their homework for them.
It seems like they might have been caught though. The headmaster has them lined up now. They're the use Euell suspects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xrsnc/at_school_theres_this_kid_named_euell_hes_kinda/
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3 Nuns died and went to Heaven...

When they get there, there is an angel in front of the gates that separate them from Heaven. The angel tells them that in order to get through, they each must answer a question correctly.
The first nun steps up.
The angel says to the first nun "Are you ready for your question?"
The nun says reluctantly "I guess so..."
"Who was the first man?"
"That's easy, Adam!"
Gates swing open, bells ring, birds sing, nun goes in, gates shut.
Second nun steps up.
The angel says to the second nun "Are you ready for your question?"
The nun says reluctantly "I guess so..."
"Who was the first woman?"
"That's easy, Eve!"
Gates swing open, bells ring, birds sing, nun goes in, gates shut.
The third nun thinks "This is easy!" and steps up.
The angel says to the third nun "Are you ready for your question?"
The nun says confidently "Yep!"
"What was the first thing that Eve ever said to Adam?"
The nun is taken aback. Then she looks down and her eyes widen. She thinks for a moment and says "Gee! That's a hard one..."
Gates swing open, bells ring, birds sing, nun goes in, gates shut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xrs7o/3_nuns_died_and_went_to_heaven/
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100 years ago, everyone owned horses and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns cars and only the rich own horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xrrhc/100_years_ago_everyone_owned_horses_and_only_the/
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There was a scientific study showing that bearded men are more attractive...

...than bearded women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xrmi7/there_was_a_scientific_study_showing_that_bearded/
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When you 'assume', you make an ass...

...umption about how the sentence ends that turns out to be completely wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xrl8a/when_you_assume_you_make_an_ass/
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Just met up with my heroine dealer.

Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xrjni/just_met_up_with_my_heroine_dealer/
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A husband is making jello for his wife...

Wife: "Has that jello hardened yet?"
Husband: "Yeah, it's as hard as my dick."
Wife: "Great! Pour me a glass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xri09/a_husband_is_making_jello_for_his_wife/
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My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xrfjw/my_girlfriend_nicknamed_me_the_microwave_meal/
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A 5 year old girl watched the construction workers threw the window of her house

She watched for a couple of days when the construction workers saw her and waved for her to come over.
They asked if she wanted to work with them, and she told them yes.
They gave her a job picking up trash for a week, and on Friday have her an envelope with some cash.
She took it to the bank and the teller asked:
“How’d you’d you get this money sweetie?”
“From working construction for the week!”
“How cool! Are you gonna work next week too?”
“That depends if Frank from the supply house gets his fucking shit together and delivers our fucking Sheetrock.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xrcvj/a_5_year_old_girl_watched_the_construction/
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Reddit, what is your best blonde joke?

Please use the spoiler bar, I hate reading the punchline before the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xra1i/reddit_what_is_your_best_blonde_joke/
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A man was diagnosed with cancer.

Man:  "Wow, Doc, how bad is it?"
Doctor:  "Well, you're at the extreme end of stage 4 pancreatic cancer.  You've only got about 3 months to live."
Man: "Oh no!  Is there anything I can do?"
Doctor:  "Well, I'd suggest moving to Arkansas and becoming a pig farmer."
Man:  "Really?  That would cure my cancer?"
Doctor:  "Oh no, of course not.  But it will be the longest three months of your life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xr97e/a_man_was_diagnosed_with_cancer/
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At a job interview:

The HR manager: What would you say is your biggest weakness?
Applicant: I never know when to quit.
Manager: That seems ok, you're hired.
Applicant: I quit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xr86z/at_a_job_interview/
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xr7ws/a_man_escapes_from_prison_where_he_has_been_for/
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Visiting your pharmacy for some cyanide . . .

A very nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xr728/visiting_your_pharmacy_for_some_cyanide/
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My Neighbor is purified of me

Wait, not purified. Petrified. She's petrified. It's hard to read a diary through these binoculars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xr5wm/my_neighbor_is_purified_of_me/
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Why did 7 eat 9?

The doctor recommended 3 squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xr5ov/why_did_7_eat_9/
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What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xr3pu/what_do_you_call_two_monkeys_who_share_an_amazon/
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Hey gurl, you know why i love knock knock jokes?

it implies i know where you live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xr1hy/hey_gurl_you_know_why_i_love_knock_knock_jokes/
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Girl on skates.

The ice was thin.
Then it broke and she fell right in.
The boy on the bank heard her shout.
He jumped right in and helped her out.
Now they’re married.
Very nice.
All she had to do
was break the ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xquda/girl_on_skates/
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What do you call an immigrant living in Stockholm?

Artificial Swedener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xqtxp/what_do_you_call_an_immigrant_living_in_stockholm/
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I never wanted to believe my dad steals from his job as a road worker

but when i got home all the signs were there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xqs9g/i_never_wanted_to_believe_my_dad_steals_from_his/
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Out of ten

My German girlfriend gave my proposal a nein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xqpto/out_of_ten/
%
What do hospitals and refrigerators have in common?

If you pull the plug, the vegetables start to decompose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xqldt/what_do_hospitals_and_refrigerators_have_in_common/
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I asked my science teacher why he loves teaching about birds so much

He said it was the only class where he can say tit, booby, and cock without getting fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xql28/i_asked_my_science_teacher_why_he_loves_teaching/
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of is paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xqit5/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xqhlv/my_grandfather_predicted_that_the_titanic_would/
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You wouldn’t believe how close to a threesome I was last night.

Two more people and I would have had it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xqhec/you_wouldnt_believe_how_close_to_a_threesome_i/
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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo....

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xqfg1/a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo/
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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason...

and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine.
On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.
The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gives him two options: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be face up or face down.
So the mathematician says "Well, they all arrive at the equivalent state of beheading, so it's an arbitrary choice. I suppose I'll take no hood and face down, since it's the simplest solution."
So they lock him into the guillotine, the executioner drops the blade... and it stops inches from his neck.
The priest exclaims "It's a sign from God! This man is innocent! He must be let free!"
The King agrees, pardons the mathematician, and lets him go.
Next up to be killed is the physicist. He is given the same options: hood on or off; face up or face down.
So the physicist thinks, and says "Well, I've spent my whole life looking up at the stars and studying them... but it's broad daylight. I will take the hood to make it dark like night, and face up towards the Heavens."
So they lock him into the guillotine, the executioner drops the blade... and it stops inches from his neck.
The priest exclaims again "It's a sign from God! This man is innocent! He must be let free!"
The King agrees, pardons the physicist, and lets him go.
Finally, it's the engineer's turn to face the guillotine. He's given the same options: hood on or off; face up or down.
The engineer ponders, and says "I've spent my whole life studying machines and mechanical devices. If I am to be killed by the most efficient killing machine of all time, then I will look at its workings while I die! Hood off and face up!"
So they lock him into the guillotine, and the executioner is about to drop the blade, when the engineer exclaims: "I see the problem!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xqdk7/a_mathematician_a_physicist_and_an_engineer_are/
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I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven time's a day

and still have a beard at the end of the day,  he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xq6eb/i_used_to_know_a_guy_who_shaved_around_six_or/
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My wife tried to get smart with me one day..

As I got ready for my wrestling match she asked " why do you wear a cup when you have nothing to put into it?"
So I felt the need to respond "You wear a bra don't you??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xq6c9/my_wife_tried_to_get_smart_with_me_one_day/
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Where do volkswagens go when they get old?

The old volks home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xq3no/where_do_volkswagens_go_when_they_get_old/
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What do you call masturbating in your parents' house?

Homecoming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xq3kg/what_do_you_call_masturbating_in_your_parents/
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How do you climb a ladder?

Step 1
Step 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xq1cj/how_do_you_climb_a_ladder/
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Girls that like me

*edit: Whoops, looks like I put the joke in title. My bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xq0eu/girls_that_like_me/
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A mathematician, a physicist, and a statistician are out hunting

When they spot a deer. The mathemician shoots five feet to the left and misses. The physicist shoots five feet to the right and misses. The statistician yells, "We got em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpzvv/a_mathematician_a_physicist_and_a_statistician/
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Johnny was at school

and the teacher said,
"Someone use fascinate in a sentence."
Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating."
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence."
Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence."
Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater."
Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence."
Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpy36/johnny_was_at_school/
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpx9b/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
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I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z...

My friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!"
I said "Yeah, this isn't even my final form!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpuz1/i_wanted_to_change_my_name_to_dragon_ball_z/
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Two Privates

Two good ol’ boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Bubba says, “Hey, Junior - there’s the NCO Club.
Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drank.”
“But we’s privates,” protests Junior.
“NO, we’s sergeants now,” says Bubba, pulling him inside
“Now, Junior, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drank.”
“But, we’s privates,” says Junior.
“You blind, boy!” says Bubba, pointing at his stripes.
“We’s Sergeants now!”
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
“You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means.
If it’s good, give me the okay sign.”
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
“Junior,” he says, “What you give me the okay for?!”
“Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.”
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpuky/two_privates/
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My Hopes and Dreams are like unicorns.

I stopped believing in unicorns when I was a kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpu04/my_hopes_and_dreams_are_like_unicorns/
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What do you call a dog barking in an underwater ship?

A subwoofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xptgc/what_do_you_call_a_dog_barking_in_an_underwater/
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After extensive research, I've found out that bacon can cure erectile dysfunction.

In other words, I fucked a pig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpslo/after_extensive_research_ive_found_out_that_bacon/
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What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer.
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no eye deer.
What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no balls?
Still no fucking eye deer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xps52/what_do_you_call_a_blind_deer/
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I've invented a machine that prints money.

I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpqqo/ive_invented_a_machine_that_prints_money/
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Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

She threw all the M&M's out which had a 'W' on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpn2v/why_did_the_blonde_get_fired_from_the_mm_factory/
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Sunday School

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.  Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping.  "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"  And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpjsr/sunday_school/
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A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpiv9/a_90yearold_man_goes_for_a_physical_and_all_of/
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An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician in Scotland

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician are on a train headed for Scotland. As they cross the border, they see a black sheep. The astronomer cries out, “All sheep in Scotland are black.”. The physicist says,”Some sheep in Scotland are black”. The mathematician raises his eyes heavenward and says,”In Scotland, there is at least one field, with at least one sheep in it, one side of which is black!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpifi/an_astronomer_a_physicist_and_a_mathematician_in/
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I didn't believe my friend who told me yoga would fix my posture

I now stand corrected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpgri/i_didnt_believe_my_friend_who_told_me_yoga_would/
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A PhD student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park.

They find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the PhD student.
“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman.”
Poof! He’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the post-doc. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.”
Poof! He’s gone.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the professor.
The professor says, “I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpgh8/a_phd_student_a_postdoc_and_their_professor_are/
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I'm thinking about starting a dating app for low IQ people.

I'm calling it OK Stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xpf4y/im_thinking_about_starting_a_dating_app_for_low/
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A guy and a monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar.
Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy.
"He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again.
He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar.
The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xp5w3/a_guy_and_a_monkey/
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Three doggos

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle.
“That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle.
“I guess it’s hopeless.
That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xp5o8/three_doggos/
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One evening

, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xp4oc/one_evening/
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Would you like to go and eat some dried fruit?

Great, then it‘s a date!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xp3jq/would_you_like_to_go_and_eat_some_dried_fruit/
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I asked my Dad to tell me the best joke he had ever made so I could post on Reddit

I'm uploading my birth certificate now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xp2nm/i_asked_my_dad_to_tell_me_the_best_joke_he_had/
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Two Russians saw an advertisement for a job in Siberia.

Vladimir read it from beginning to end, a glowing account of a new town and industrial complex where there was sure to be full employment, high wages, luxurious Government-sponsored accommodation, and shops full of all the necessities and luxuries that roubles could buy. But just as he was reaching for an application form, Andrei stopped him.
"Wait a minute," Andrei said. "If this is all they are making it out to be, we should both go at once. But if, by some tiny chance, anything should be a little less than promised... why then, we will be in the middle of Siberia, thousands of miles from anywhere, and what will we do then?"
"You're right," said Vladimir. "But how can we find out what conditions are really like? Perhaps one of us should go first and find out, and then he can write home."
"A good idea," said Andrei. "Except that we can expect that the mail will be scrutinised, and it would not do to be found saying anything critical of the Government, now would it?"
"Very well," said Vladimir. "Then let us agree that if the letter home is favourable, then the other one of us will come - unless the letter is written in red ink, for that will be our sign that the letter is not truthful."
They agreed to this and spun a 20-kopek coin for the privilege of being the one to make the investigation, and Vladimir after all was the one to go to Siberia while Andrei waited patiently for the letter. When it arrived, weeks later, he was delighted to see that it was written in blue, and he read as follows:
*Dear friend! Everything is as they said. There is full employment here, the work is interesting and fulfilling and the hours are most reasonable. As for the wages, a man can earn here as he never did in Moscow even, and the accommodations are clean, dry and warm such as to excite the envy of an American, well lit and furnished with every kind of modern convenience. There is plenty to eat and drink, and the shops are filled with everything a man might wish to buy -- with, surprisingly, the absence only of red ink.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xoxrj/two_russians_saw_an_advertisement_for_a_job_in/
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Turns out I am adopted!

suprised my dads never told me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xouz3/turns_out_i_am_adopted/
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I like Jokes about window washers...

they work on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xou0r/i_like_jokes_about_window_washers/
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The Buddhist at the hot dog stand. . .

paid with a ten dollar bill, and got nothing in return. After waiting for a minute, he said "what about my change?"
The hot dog vendor replied, "change comes from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xorwz/the_buddhist_at_the_hot_dog_stand/
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Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says...

“I’m a big metal fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xofib/two_windmills_are_standing_in_a_field_and_one/
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Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xof9x/why_did_the_mexican_push_his_wife_off_the_cliff/
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How long is a Chinese name?

Yes it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xo2p9/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
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I can tell you first hand what standing next to a loudspeaker feels like.

It hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xo0q8/i_can_tell_you_first_hand_what_standing_next_to_a/
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What are you selling here?

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks had been set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xnx84/what_are_you_selling_here/
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I asked my dad, am I adopted?

He said,  Why would we adopt something like you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xnwix/i_asked_my_dad_am_i_adopted/
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A man gets on board a pirate ship...

The captain takes him and says, "Son, for your first task, I want you to tie up all the sails to get them ready to head to sea." and the kid says, "That'll take all day! Can you help?" And the captain says, "Well, I'll be in the bathroom when you do it." And the pirate says, "Are you serious?" And the captain says:
"I shit, you knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xnu8o/a_man_gets_on_board_a_pirate_ship/
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I asked a Frenchman if he played video games.

He said Wii.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xns3h/i_asked_a_frenchman_if_he_played_video_games/
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My valentine told me to bring her to pound town.

Apparently bringing her to the gym because I thought she could lose a few pounds wasn't what she was talking about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xnqnq/my_valentine_told_me_to_bring_her_to_pound_town/
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What’s the most unrealistic part of Harry Potter?

A ginger with two friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xnp4s/whats_the_most_unrealistic_part_of_harry_potter/
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(My only Valentines day related joke) If the Swan symbolizes happiness, what bird symbolizes true love?

The Swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xnlx1/my_only_valentines_day_related_joke_if_the_swan/
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A physicist sees a person on the top of a very tall building.

"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xnkup/a_physicist_sees_a_person_on_the_top_of_a_very/
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A man and woman get a divorce.

They go to the courthouse and the judge wants to hear why they want a divorce.
The woman starts and says that they are too compatible. She says how they like the same movies, music, sports, books, and hobbies.
The judge perplexed asks why this is grounds for divorce.
She says the compatibility is just too good that they even like the same men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xnkin/a_man_and_woman_get_a_divorce/
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I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day...

...at least now I have a chance of getting lucky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xnhi3/i_bought_a_lottery_ticket_on_the_way_home_on/
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My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all sevens and nines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xngnl/my_wife_asked_me_how_she_compared_to_past/
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Put the punchline in the title.

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xnfgo/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
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A set of identical twins are separated at birth

A mother in Italy was unable to keep her babies, she had two identical twin boys.  Unfortunately she couldn’t find a family to take both children so two separate families each took one of the boys.  One of the families was from Lebanon and named their son “Amal”.  The other family was from Spain and named their son “Juan”.  Years later the boys discover they were not only adopted but that they had a twin brother.  The family in Italy was contacted and a reunion was organized.  To make it more dramatic the brothers agreed to find flights that landed approximately the same time.  The day finally comes and Juan’s plane lands, Juan comes out and meets his family.  There is tears and laughter and hugs.  Then they notice that the flight from Lebanon has been canceled.  Everyone is sad until that one Uncle (every family has one) says “Well, if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xnd7q/a_set_of_identical_twins_are_separated_at_birth/
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My mom and dad run an Iron&Steel business.

My mom irons and my dad steals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xnd51/my_mom_and_dad_run_an_ironsteel_business/
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A man burst through the front door of his house angry af.

He shouted at his wife "I've just come from the pub. The mailman was there bragging that he'd had sex with every woman on our street except for one. What do you have to say to that?"
She replied "I bet it's Karen from number 37. I always thought she was a frigid bitch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xnbtx/a_man_burst_through_the_front_door_of_his_house/
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill

to get to the bottom. Ever since my dad heard this he cant. Stop. Telling. It. To EVERYONE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xnbas/why_did_the_toilet_paper_roll_down_the_hill/
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Did you hear about the guy who never finished his

They say that he

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xn9vx/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_never_finished_his/
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Descartes is sitting at a bar finishing a beer.

When the bartender asks if he'd like another, the philosopher says, "I think not," and disappears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xn908/descartes_is_sitting_at_a_bar_finishing_a_beer/
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A little girl and a boy are fighting

about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xn7ef/a_little_girl_and_a_boy_are_fighting/
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My wife asked me for a divorce on valentines

I told her i wasnt willing to spend that much on her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xn3li/my_wife_asked_me_for_a_divorce_on_valentines/
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What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?

An immunicorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xn1ya/what_do_you_call_a_unicorn_who_got_a_flu_shot/
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What did the toast say to his partner while they were doing sixty nine?

“Babe, I’m gonna crumb!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmy4p/what_did_the_toast_say_to_his_partner_while_they/
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I was going to tell a sodium hydrogen joke

But NaH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmy3o/i_was_going_to_tell_a_sodium_hydrogen_joke/
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As a man, I've renamed my nipples Thoughts and Prayers.

...because they're useless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmxgg/as_a_man_ive_renamed_my_nipples_thoughts_and/
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Two monkeys are in a bath. One says “ooh ooh ooh ahh ahh ahh”

The other responds “put some cold water in then!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmv7u/two_monkeys_are_in_a_bath_one_says_ooh_ooh_ooh/
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A photon walks into a hotel

The concierge says, "need any help with your luggage?"
"Nah" says the photon. "I'm traveling light"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmv0l/a_photon_walks_into_a_hotel/
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How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "All my money's on the guy with the gun!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmug8/how_do_you_break_up_two_blind_guys_fighting/
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"How many men have you slept with?"

A jealous husband asks his wife.
"Only you," she replies.
"Good."
"All the others were awake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmsnz/how_many_men_have_you_slept_with/
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Did you hear about the wife that was yelling at her husband during her period?

She was ovary acting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmroi/did_you_hear_about_the_wife_that_was_yelling_at/
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Did you hear about the new cocaine suppository?

They're calling it Butt Crack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmr5q/did_you_hear_about_the_new_cocaine_suppository/
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Married man here, just got a prescription for 9 Viagra...

Or as I like to call it, a lifetime supply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmqvd/married_man_here_just_got_a_prescription_for_9/
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I used to single and broke, but I finally turned things around....

Now I’m broke and single

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmq1s/i_used_to_single_and_broke_but_i_finally_turned/
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I brought my girlfriend to Mexico for Valentine's Day.

I got arrested on the way back for snuggling her over the border.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmpvc/i_brought_my_girlfriend_to_mexico_for_valentines/
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There was an obese man watching tv...

He saw an ad for weight loss but it didn't say how it worked all it showed was all kinds of success stories.
So big boy picked up the phone and called the number.
The next day he heard his doorbell and rolled to the door.
When he opened the door he saw a naked chunky girl in shoes and a sign that said if you catch me you can have me.
He ran after her all day but couldn't catch her but he lost tons of weight.
The next day he heard the doorbell and hobbled to the door.
At the door was a nice looking girl holding a sign that said the same thing.
He chased her but just couldn't catch her yet he lost tons of weight again that day.
The obese man had become very fit and healthy and yet he heard his doorbell for a final time.
When he opened the door there was a black guy in shoes with a sign saying if I catch you I get to keep you.
My uncle told me this a long time ago and felt I should share it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmkxr/there_was_an_obese_man_watching_tv/
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Google buys local Pizzeria

“Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?”
“No sir, it's Google Pizza – we bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. Do you want your usual, sir?”
“My usual? You know me?”
“According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms on a thick crust.”
“OK! That’s what I want.”
“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole-wheat gluten-free thin crust?”
“No, you may not! I don't like vegetables.”
“Your cholesterol needs help, sir.”
“How the hell do you know?”
“We cross-referenced your mobile with your medical records, and have the result of your blood tests for the last seven years.”
“Listen, I don't want your vegetable pizza, and I take medication for my cholesterol!
“Excuse me sir, but you don't take your medication regularly. Our database indicates that you only filled a prescription for 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Soul Pharmacy, four months ago.
“I bought the rest at another pharmacy.”
“Not according to your credit card statement.”
“I paid in cash.”
“Sir, you didn't withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.”
“I have other sources of cash.”
“That doesn’t show on your last tax return, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”
“WHAT THE HELL?! Goodbye, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and all this crap. I'm moving to an island without internet, cable TV, mobiles and jerks watching and spying on me.
“I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired six weeks ago.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmjhq/google_buys_local_pizzeria/
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What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A roamin catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmixa/what_do_you_call_a_sleep_walking_nun/
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My boss accused me of installing a hidden camera in the woman's toilet.

"How do you know it was me, it could be anyone!", I told him.
"I saw you from MY camera!", he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmg8f/my_boss_accused_me_of_installing_a_hidden_camera/
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It’s so rude to insult someone in Braille.

Just think about how it makes them feel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmazw/its_so_rude_to_insult_someone_in_braille/
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A 1000 year old Chinese joke that’s still funny today

Su Shi (1036-1101), also known as Su Dongpo was an avid student of Buddhist teachings. He was quick-witted and humorous; as a Zen Buddhism follower he was very serious and self-disciplined. He often discussed buddhism with his good friend, Zen Master Foyin. The two lived across the river from one another.
Following is an interesting and famous story about him and Zen Master Foyin.
One day, Su Dongpo felt inspired and wrote the following poem:
I bow my head to the heaven within heaven
Hairline rays illuminating the universe
The eight winds cannot move me
Sitting still upon the purple golden lotus
The “eight winds” in the poem referred to praise, ridicule, honor, disgrace, gain, loss, pleasure and misery – interpersonal forces of the material world that drive and influence the hearts of men. Su Dongpo was saying that he has attained a higher level of spirituality, where these forces no longer affect him.
Impressed by himself, Su Dongpo sent a servant to hand-carry this poem to Foyin. He was sure that his friend would be equally impressed. When Foyin read the poem, he immediately saw that it was both a tribute to the Buddha and a declaration of spiritual refinement. Smiling, the Zen Master wrote “fart” on the manuscript and had it returned to Su Dongpo.
Su Dongpo was expecting compliments and a seal of approval. When he saw “fart” written on the manuscript, he was shocked . He burst into anger: “How dare he insult me like this? Why that lousy old monk! He’s got a lot of explaining to do!”
Full of indignation, he rushed out of his house and ordered a boat to ferry him to the other shore as quickly as possible. He wanted to find Foyin and demand an apology. However, Foyin’s door closed. On the door was a piece of paper, for Su Dongpo. The paper had following two lines:
The eight winds cannot move me
But one fart blows me across the river

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xmadw/a_1000_year_old_chinese_joke_thats_still_funny/
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Why did the cannibal go to the buffet?

To eat more than the average person!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xm6t3/why_did_the_cannibal_go_to_the_buffet/
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A teacher asks some of her students about manners at the table.

A teacher asks some of her students about manners while on a date. She asked Billy how he would excuse himself from the table. Billy replied, "I'll be back. I have to go pee". The teacher said, "that would be rude and impolite. What about you, Jimmy? How would you say it?" Jimmy replied, "I need to go to the bathroom. I'll be back". The teacher said, "that's better, but saying 'bathroom' at the table should be avoided. What about you, Timmy? Do you know the answer for once?" Timmy said, "Ma'am, may I be excused? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll meet after dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xm6jp/a_teacher_asks_some_of_her_students_about_manners/
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My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xm4ar/my_wife_just_called_me_and_said_three_of_the/
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I like my whiskey like I like my women

All mixed up with Coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xm1i8/i_like_my_whiskey_like_i_like_my_women/
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My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day

I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xm13o/my_wife_asked_me_for_a_divorce_for_valentines_day/
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I’m single by choice.

(Everyone else’s choice)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xlxgi/im_single_by_choice/
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Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xlxal/paddy_died_in_a_fire_and_was_burnt_pretty_badly/
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Whats one foot long and slippery?

A slipper.
(Yes, I'm a dad)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xlur0/whats_one_foot_long_and_slippery/
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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xlu75/by_legalizing_cannabis_and_samesex_marriage_we/
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In honor of Valentine’s : What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xltre/in_honor_of_valentines_whats_better_than_roses_on/
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I like my coffee how i like my women

without a penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xls4t/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
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Why were all the big bottles following the little bottle?

The little bottle was a liter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xls37/why_were_all_the_big_bottles_following_the_little/
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"But why?" asked Mike. "Valentine's Day Joke"

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.  The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asked Mike.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xlrx9/but_why_asked_mike_valentines_day_joke/
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A guy reads an ad for a car driving course. 'Learn how to drive in only 5 minutes!'

He turns up and asks, "How the hell can you teach how to drive in only 5 minutes?" The teacher replies, "It's a crash course."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xlmzf/a_guy_reads_an_ad_for_a_car_driving_course_learn/
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Four robber are robbing a bank

After opening the safe, the only thing they found is a box with about 200 yogurts. Furious because they didn't find the money, they eat all the 200 yogurts, thinking it'd upset the owner. As they were leaving, they ask the security where was all the money, to which the security answered: "What do you mean where's all the money? This is a sperm bank"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xlkav/four_robber_are_robbing_a_bank/
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For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships....

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xlant/for_valentines_day_i_made_a_chart_of_past/
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I'm constipated

I don't give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xl9ji/im_constipated/
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My friend was about to jump off of the balcony of my sixth floor apartment. I yelled “Don’t do it!...

... You have too much potential.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xl4kl/my_friend_was_about_to_jump_off_of_the_balcony_of/
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Happiness

Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump are on a plane. As the plane flies over a poor city, the Korean dictator looks through the window and claims:
-If I were to toss a dollar off the plane, I would make one person happy.
-If I were to throw a hundred dollars in pennies, I could make entire families happier,- says President Putin.
-Please, the amount of spare change I could find in my pockets alone  would cheer up the city,- boasts President Trump.
-And if I were to throw you three off the plane, I would make the entire humanity happy,- adds the pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xl43x/happiness/
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If I had a penny for every time I heard "I love you" today...

It might make me reconsider taking my wife out for dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xl2m5/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_time_i_heard_i_love/
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The better one

Pedro was conjugally a very experienced man when he got married to Maria, but she was totally naive.
On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, 'Pedro! What is that?'
Pedro, a quick thinker, said, 'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.'
And then he proudly proceeded to demonstrate to her what it was for. Maria was pleased. After their honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work. On returning home in the evening after his first day at work posthoneymoon, Pedro found a very upset Maria waiting on their front porch.
'Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!'
Ever a 'Fast Thinker' on his feet, Pedro said, 'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.'
A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home from work the following evening, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.
'Maria? Now what's wrong?'
'Damn it, Pedro. You gave the better one to Gonzalez'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xl2g0/the_better_one/
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I just spent $50 on Ebay for a penis enlarger

Those bastards sent me a magnifying glass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xkp7e/i_just_spent_50_on_ebay_for_a_penis_enlarger/
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Soviet are asked what nationality Adam and Eve were.

The Brit exclaims “They must have been British! Look at how gentlemanly Adam behaved towards Eve. He must have been an Englishman.”
“Outrageous!” Says the Frenchman. “They must have been French. Look at the love that they exhibited towards each other! Only the  French can love like that.”
The Soviet chuckles and says “You’re both wrong. They must have been Soviet; they had no clothes, no food, and someone in charge was telling them they were in paradise”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xklun/a_brit_a_frenchman_and_a_soviet_are_asked_what/
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Name's Fred

A cop stops a car for speeding. He asks the driver his name.
"Fred," the driver replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree - so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school and got my degree - so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS - so I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xkf5w/names_fred/
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What do you get when you mix a gullible and an optimistic person

Read it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xke1o/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_gullible_and_an/
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What do goths and the KKK have in common?

They don't have to worry about mixing darks and lights in their washing machines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xkbmz/what_do_goths_and_the_kkk_have_in_common/
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Me: What kind of dog you got? Him: Husky

Me (in a lower voice): What kind of dog you got?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xk6em/me_what_kind_of_dog_you_got_him_husky/
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I’m sorry, but no matter how attractive they are, I will never be able to date a baker.

They’re too kneady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xk5b8/im_sorry_but_no_matter_how_attractive_they_are_i/
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All seals live at the same elevation

Seal level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xk2q1/all_seals_live_at_the_same_elevation/
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Apples of any flavour

A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!" "That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that." The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor." "Okay, do you have coke and rum?" The bartender serves him an apple. "No way.. this tastes like coke!" "Turn it around" Says the bartender. "It tastes like rum!" Exclaimed the man. A second man takes a seat next to the two, hearing the commotion. "Hey, mate, you have to try this! The bartender can serve you any flavor apple that you can think of!" Says the first man. "You can't expect me to believe that!" He replies. "Any flavor." the bartender says. "Okay, get me a gin and tonic." He is handed an apple, and upon taking a bite his face lights up. "It tastes like gin!" "Turn it around" Says the bartender. "It tastes like tonic! I don't believe it!" he exclaims. A third man walks over, hearing the commotion. "What's the fuss about?" he asks. All three men who are already seated pipe up about the apples. "Any flavor, eh? Well... I doubt it. Get me one that tastes like pussy!" The bartender, as in the previous cases, hands the man an apple. The man revolts, and nearly throws up. "This tastes like shit!" He shouts.
The bartender replies "Turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xk0q3/apples_of_any_flavour/
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What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xjybf/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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I never could think of a name for my pet mouse...

Guess he’ll always be anonymous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xjwje/i_never_could_think_of_a_name_for_my_pet_mouse/
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At Munich Airport

A young man approaches an Olympic athlete carrying a long pole and asks “are you a pole vaulter?”
The man clearly annoyed responds “no, I’m German, and how did you know my name is Walter?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xjw0f/at_munich_airport/
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Three women are stranded on a deserted island.

They were on the island for quite some time, but luckily they finally spotted a boat in the distance. They had no flares and no way of telling the boat they were on the island.
The first woman, a brunette, decided to try to swim to the boat. She swam 1/3 of the way, then drowned.
The second woman, a redhead, thought that she was strong enough to reach the boat, so she used all her strength and swam towards the boat. Sadly, she drowned 1/2 of the way there.
The third and final woman, a blonde, knew she had to try to get to the boat, so she set off. She swam and she swam, wave after wave crashing into her. She finally got 3/4s of the way there, but she was tired. Her arms ached and her legs cramped. She was too tired to reach the boat, so she swam all the way back to the island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xjvl8/three_women_are_stranded_on_a_deserted_island/
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Two women are having lunch on Valentine's Day

One says to the other "Do you and your husband have any romantic plans for tonight?"
The second scoffs "Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs."
The first looks confused "Don't you have a vase you could put them in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xjnpq/two_women_are_having_lunch_on_valentines_day/
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Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xjnix/back_in_high_school/
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Jerry saw his ex with a new boyfriend

So he walks up to them and says “Old Shoe, new owner”
His ex replies “Only 2 inches are old, rest are brand new”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xjncd/jerry_saw_his_ex_with_a_new_boyfriend/
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My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all eights and nines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xjmiw/my_wife_asked_me_how_she_compared_to_past/
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Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xjgkd/reporter_excuse_me_may_i_interview_you/
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There's a new restaurant on the moon

Great food but no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xjesc/theres_a_new_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xjbyu/what_do_you_call_a_math_tool_that_supports/
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Having your period on Valentine’s Day sucks...

It’s going to be a real pain in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xiueu/having_your_period_on_valentines_day_sucks/
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Hey girl are you proficient in Excel?

Cause I need your help spreadin’ some sheets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xihsi/hey_girl_are_you_proficient_in_excel/
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Why is it hard for Liam Neeson to enjoy Valentine’s Day?

Because all the girls are taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xihh8/why_is_it_hard_for_liam_neeson_to_enjoy/
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What does an orgasm and a heart rate have in common?

I don't care whether she has one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xih3u/what_does_an_orgasm_and_a_heart_rate_have_in/
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Paid to worry

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald.  He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters." "OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?" "You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.  "Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?" "That," says the man, "is your first worry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xib8z/paid_to_worry/
%
I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xi7lb/i_was_at_the_hardware_store_and_an_employee_asked/
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A guy is having sex with his girlfriend for the first time

She starts bleeding and starts crying.he say to her
"Better get used to the blood because in a few years you'll  be bleeding every month"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xi4qt/a_guy_is_having_sex_with_his_girlfriend_for_the/
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A man went to the card shop...

...and asked, "do you have any valentine cards saying 'you're my first and only love'?"
The shopkeeper said yes,
And the man replied, 'Great! give me five!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xi0rf/a_man_went_to_the_card_shop/
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This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years;

First my grandma died and now this;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xhyen/this_is_the_first_time_i_didnt_get_a_valentines/
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How do you make a gingerbread man’s bed?

With a cookie sheet.
Direct from the lips of my 4yo daughter. I almost died laughing. I was expecting something ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xhuvi/how_do_you_make_a_gingerbread_mans_bed/
%
Men are like spiders

We tend to have sticky hands after being on web.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xhu0i/men_are_like_spiders/
%
A women was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xht9t/a_women_was_out_golfing_and_hit_the_ball_deep/
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Why are Amoebas so bad at math?

Because, when they need to multiply, they divide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xhrl5/why_are_amoebas_so_bad_at_math/
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Good jokes are like sex or money...

I rarely have any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xhrh8/good_jokes_are_like_sex_or_money/
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Why was the parenthesis annoyed?

Because of the crying childrenthesis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xhqmp/why_was_the_parenthesis_annoyed/
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I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xhmi7/i_read_an_article_saying_that_you_might_be_an/
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Blind man in a restaurant ...

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xhjyp/blind_man_in_a_restaurant/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make...

...then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xhj0v/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xhee2/arguing_with_a_woman_is_like_reading_a_software/
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It the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

Fucking large ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xhdpd/it_the_event_of_a_fire_what_steps_should_you_take/
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My wife called me from office

“3 of the girls in my office just received flowers for Valentine’s Day and they are gorgeous “
I said “ probably that’s why they received the flowers”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xh422/my_wife_called_me_from_office/
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Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

I just want to say a big thank you to my hand for always being by my side!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xgz0e/happy_valentines_day_everyone/
%
Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.
“I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said.
“Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of delaying the revolution. “ the second commiserated.
“Well I was on time to work and I was still sent here.” The third said.
“Why?” They ask.
“I was accused of owning a western watch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xgxxi/three_russian_men_are_in_the_gulag_talking_with/
%
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xgxc4/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
%
It’s been 7 years since my first job interview

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xgw6r/its_been_7_years_since_my_first_job_interview/
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I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xgvg7/i_have_the_head_of_a_watermelon_the_arms_of_two/
%
I took part in the sun tanning Olympics

...I got the bronze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xgv6v/i_took_part_in_the_sun_tanning_olympics/
%
Hickory dickory dock. Three Mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one...

And the other 2 got away with minor injuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xgten/hickory_dickory_dock_three_mice_ran_up_the_clock/
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I just learnt sign language!

You should learn it too, it's really handy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xgpyh/i_just_learnt_sign_language/
%
Why did the scarecrow win a medal?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xgon2/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_a_medal/
%
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xgkw1/i_own_a_pencil_that_used_to_be_owned_by_william/
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I'm going to spend Valentines day with my ex

Box one 😭

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xg75u/im_going_to_spend_valentines_day_with_my_ex/
%
A man is walking through the forest when he discovers a gnome

“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xg607/a_man_is_walking_through_the_forest_when_he/
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A Bulgarian goes to the doctor

for a checkup. He enters the room, hangs his coat and sits infront of the doctor.
-When was the last time you had an examination made by a doctor? -asked the doctor.
-I don't know. Maybe 20 years ago.
-Do you drink?
-Yes. I drink beer for kidneys, and white wine for digestion. If I have low pressure I drink red wine and if I have high one I drink mastika. If I suffer from sore throath I drink rakija.
-What about water? - asked the doctor, amazed.
-Water... I haven't suffered from that yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xg0lu/a_bulgarian_goes_to_the_doctor/
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What's the difference between an invisible boy and an invisible girl?

I don't know. I can't really see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xfyib/whats_the_difference_between_an_invisible_boy_and/
%
Why can’t immigrants play uno?

Because they keep trying to take all of the green cards!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xfv4a/why_cant_immigrants_play_uno/
%
Little Johnny's dad told his teacher that he has a nasty gambling habit...

and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!"
Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!"
Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up.
So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid has this nasty gambling habit, but I can't break him of it because he never loses! Can you help?"
The teacher replies "I'll do what I can"
Next day, Johnny enters the classroom. "Hey teacher! I'll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on!" The teacher demurely declines. All week, Johnny is pestering her about betting on the color of her panties.
On Friday, Johnny repeats the bet. "Hey teacher! I'll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on!"
She says "You're on!" and lifts her dress to reveal she isn't wearing any panties at all!
Johnny pays the money, with much grumbling.
The teacher ecstatically calls his father. "Great news! I made little Johnny lose a bet!"
The father is astounded. "How'd you do that?" he asks.
"Well, Johnny's been bothering me all week about the color of my panties, and today I didn't wear any, so he lost the bet!"
A long string of curses comes over the phone.
Teacher asks "What's wrong? Didn't I do it right?"
Dad answers "Just this morning he bet me $50 he'd see your pussy before the day was out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xftec/little_johnnys_dad_told_his_teacher_that_he_has_a/
%
Your wife walked into a bar...

... that’s what we’ll tell the press Rob, your wife walked into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xfskd/your_wife_walked_into_a_bar/
%
what does a lazy geologist have?

a sedimentary lifestyle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xfrrv/what_does_a_lazy_geologist_have/
%
Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xfov1/two_factory_workers_are_talking/
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Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xfhl5/every_yo_momma_joke_has_been_done_thousands_of/
%
I saw a chameleon today....

I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xfaup/i_saw_a_chameleon_today/
%
I took levitation classes once

But I dropped out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xf8m4/i_took_levitation_classes_once/
%
I hate my Acorn™ stairlift

It just drives me up the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xf4ua/i_hate_my_acorn_stairlift/
%
A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise, so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks, his administrative assistant asked him how he was doing.

"It's going fine," the manager said. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, "To the corner! Backhand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"
"Really? What happens then?" the woman asked enthusiastically.
"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xf4ne/a_manager_was_told_by_his_doctor_to_take_up_some/
%
An atheist was walking through the woods, enjoying the scenery ,

"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.  He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.  He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer, when suddenly- He tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him, reaching towards him with its left paw,  raising the right paw to strike-
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
"Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident... Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?" "Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light.... "Well, it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now... but... perhaps you could make the *BEAR* a Christian?"
...a pause...
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed...
And the bear dropped his right arm... brought both paws together... bowed his head and spoke,
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xf2uz/an_atheist_was_walking_through_the_woods_enjoying/
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Prince Charles goes to Australia

On the last occasion that Prince Charles visited Australia, he attended a function at Wagga Wagga, where he was met by various dignitaries, including the Mayor of Wagga Wagga. Whilst having a cocktail, the Mayor said to the Prince “Your Highness, it’s quite a hot day and yet you have chosen an unusual style of headwear, a fur cap. Isn’t that quite hot and uncomfortable?”
The Prince replied “Well, yes, it is actually, but it was Mummy’s idea.”
“I’m sorry, Her Majesty told you to wear it?" said the Mayor.
“Oh, yes,” replied Charles. “I spoke to her by telephone this morning.  She asked me what I was doing today and I told her I was attending a reception at Wagga Wagga.  She then said ‘Wear the fox hat.’ “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xf2ct/prince_charles_goes_to_australia/
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My favorite Cheesy joke turned into a pick-up line:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the cute girl's house.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The chicken
Happy Valentines everybody!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xez5i/my_favorite_cheesy_joke_turned_into_a_pickup_line/
%
Ate three bowls of alphabet soup earlier today.

Just had the biggest vowel movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xew45/ate_three_bowls_of_alphabet_soup_earlier_today/
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Lebron James must skip leg day

His cavs can't do shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xetag/lebron_james_must_skip_leg_day/
%
What rock group has 4 men that don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xet9o/what_rock_group_has_4_men_that_dont_sing/
%
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want it?

Neeeeeooooooowwwwww!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xet8j/what_do_we_want_low_flying_airplane_noises_when/
%
I think someone from Russia is trying to hack my account.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xeozr/i_think_someone_from_russia_is_trying_to_hack_my/
%
A police officer was assigned to hunt a dangerous cannibal on his first day on the job

All the more seasoned officers had already been eaten

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xenao/a_police_officer_was_assigned_to_hunt_a_dangerous/
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What do you call a small arachnid with a bad case of diarrhea?

The itsy shitsy spider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xem2j/what_do_you_call_a_small_arachnid_with_a_bad_case/
%
A football player was late to conditioning practice

His coach asked "Why are you late?"
The player replies "I was shampooing. I always shampoo before conditioning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xefoy/a_football_player_was_late_to_conditioning/
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Teach a parrot the words supply and demand,

and you’ve got yourself an economist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xebm0/teach_a_parrot_the_words_supply_and_demand/
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A lady goes to the doctor

and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"
The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xe8vc/a_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
How do you make 7 even?

taking away the s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xe597/how_do_you_make_7_even/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I never had a garbanzo bean on my face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xdvox/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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What game do lonely people play on Valentine’s Day?

Uno.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xdrn4/what_game_do_lonely_people_play_on_valentines_day/
%
What's the difference between a joke and 3 dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xdp0y/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_3_dicks/
%
What's a 1 legged mans favorite restaurant?

IHOP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xdoek/whats_a_1_legged_mans_favorite_restaurant/
%
So I was arrested for showing my erection to an NPR host...

I don't get it. She SAID she wanted to see more sustaining members.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xdmx9/so_i_was_arrested_for_showing_my_erection_to_an/
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A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "*Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together*."
"*Absolutely not,*" says the rabbi. "*It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately.*"
''*So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?*"
"*No,*" answered the rabbi. "*It's forbidden.*"
"*Well, okay,*" says the man, "*what about sex? Can we finally have sex?*"
"*Of course!*" replies the rabbi. "*Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!*"
"*What about different positions?*" asks the man.
"*No problem,*" says the rabbi. "*It's a mitzvah!*"
"*Woman on top?*" the man asks.
"*Sure,*" says the rabbi. "*Go for it! It's a mitzvah!*"
"*Doggy style?*"
"*Sure! Another mitzvah!*"
"*On the kitchen table?*"
"*Yes, yes! A mitzvah!*"
"*Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?*"
"*You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!*"
"*Can we do it standing up?*"
"*No.*" says the rabbi.
"*Why not?*" asks the man.
"*It could lead to dancing!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xdkth/a_modern_orthodox_jewish_couple_preparing_for_a/
%
A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed.  "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"
"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."
*This is OC fam.  Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xdj0p/a_lizard_tatoo_artist_applies_for_a_job_at_an/
%
A drunken man walks into a biker bar

, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, and leans over. Then he looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says,
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says,
"I got it on with your grandma, and she is good. The best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says...
"Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xdhr0/a_drunken_man_walks_into_a_biker_bar/
%
What do you call it when you show up near the end of a redneck family reunion?

Speed dating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xdgdw/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_show_up_near_the_end/
%
Why didn't the cactus have friends?

He was a bit of a prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xdc16/why_didnt_the_cactus_have_friends/
%
Where does a king keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xda2y/where_does_a_king_keep_his_armies/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world...

Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those that weren't expecting a ternary joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xd6ut/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Where does a penguin keep his money?

In a snow bank!
(disclaimer: saw this on the display of a local bank and I giggled).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xd6kp/where_does_a_penguin_keep_his_money/
%
What do you call Batman when he skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xd1ip/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_skips_church/
%
The problem with political jokes

Is that they get elected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xcz3a/the_problem_with_political_jokes/
%
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?

Because he had no body to go with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xcz0e/why_did_the_skeleton_not_go_to_the_party/
%
I think with the recent success of Elon musk’s “not a flamethrower” sales he should consider moving into a different market maybe perfumes

He could call his first brand Elon’s musk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xcs5x/i_think_with_the_recent_success_of_elon_musks_not/
%
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xcqrc/i_really_cant_stand_it_when_homeless_guys_shake/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xcqq2/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
I like to think of my dad as a super hero

Invisible man...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xcqhe/i_like_to_think_of_my_dad_as_a_super_hero/
%
My wife and I decided not to have kids.

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xckus/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
%
Little Johnny was sent to his grandparents farm to spend the summer.

The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire.
“What are you doing with that chicken wire?”
“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny replied.
“You can’t catch no chickens with that chicken wire!” Grandpa yelled while Johnny ran away.
Right before lunch, Johnny came back to the farm house with 20 chickens in the roll of chicken wire. “I told you I’d catch some chickens grandpa!”
Grandpa saw the miracle and said “well I’ll be” to himself.
The next morning, little Johnny walked by grandpa with a bunch of cattle panel. Grandpa said “What are you doing with that cattle panel boy?”
“I’m going to catch cattle!”
“You can’t catch no cattle with that cattle panel!” Grandpa replied while Johnny ran away.
Right before lunch, Johnny came back to the farm house with 10 cows in the cattle panel. “I told you I’d catch some cows grandpa!”
Grandpa saw the miracle and said “well I’ll be” to himself.
The next morning, grandpa saw Johnny walking by him. “What do you got in your hands boy?”
“Pussy willow.” Johnny said with a huge smile on his face.
“HOLD ON, ILL GRAB MY COAT!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xckdj/little_johnny_was_sent_to_his_grandparents_farm/
%
Why are latina women so much fun in bed?

Because doing something that's illegal is always way more fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xchhi/why_are_latina_women_so_much_fun_in_bed/
%
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have them as a kid, you probably won't enjoy them too much as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xch6r/what_do_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
%
I wrote a song about a tortilla

Actually it was more of a (w)rap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xcfug/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
%
My first computer dates back to Adam and Eve

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xcfc8/my_first_computer_dates_back_to_adam_and_eve/
%
Why do endocrinologists enjoy visiting brothels?

Because they like whore moans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xcezp/why_do_endocrinologists_enjoy_visiting_brothels/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

Ground up and in the freezer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xcbx3/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet.

So far I've got twelve fridges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xcauz/im_very_pleased_with_my_new_fridge_magnet/
%
Racecar backwards is racecar

Racecar sideways killed Paul Walker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xc9k2/racecar_backwards_is_racecar/
%
What’s Bill Cosby’s favorite Disney movie?

Sleeping Beauty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xc7rb/whats_bill_cosbys_favorite_disney_movie/
%
It's Pancake Tuesday already...

Really creped up on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xc63e/its_pancake_tuesday_already/
%
What do you call a gay dinosaur

Mega-sore-ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xc510/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
I remember my parent’s reaction when I brought home my first A+ on a test

It was something like “Who’s Lily” and “You aren’t even in AP Biology”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xbyiv/i_remember_my_parents_reaction_when_i_brought/
%
I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xbtat/i_finally_got_someone_to_be_my_valentine/
%
Investing in balloons just isn't as profitable as it used to be.

I blame inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xbdvk/investing_in_balloons_just_isnt_as_profitable_as/
%
Dad: Son, you were adopted.

Son: "I knew it! I demand to meet my biological parents!"
Dad: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up your shit, the new ones are picking you up in an hour!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xbb8o/dad_son_you_were_adopted/
%
I find it really embarrassing when guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.

Especially as he’s a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xb1xz/i_find_it_really_embarrassing_when_guests_visit/
%
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Snowflakes.
Credit: my friend's 3-year-old made this up. I'll pass on any karma to his college fund.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xb1as/what_do_snowmen_eat_for_breakfast/
%
Why were Native Americans the first ones in America?

Because they had reservations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xb0uy/why_were_native_americans_the_first_ones_in/
%
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

One's got hope in her soul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xaze0/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_in_church/
%
I have two boys, 5 and 6.

We're no good at naming things in our house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xaygs/i_have_two_boys_5_and_6/
%
Why was the watchman prescribed laxatives?

To help him pass the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xar3x/why_was_the_watchman_prescribed_laxatives/
%
I'm starting a club that discusses the good and bad parts of poetry in prison.

It's called "Prose and Cons"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xanla/im_starting_a_club_that_discusses_the_good_and/
%
Air traffic control - Flight 417, please confirm your location, over

Pilot - This is Flight 417, we are in the sky, over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xal7u/air_traffic_control_flight_417_please_confirm/
%
Why did the snowman pull down his pants?

The snowblower was comming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xah5t/why_did_the_snowman_pull_down_his_pants/
%
Whenever I complain about things I have a friend confined to a wheelchair that will bust my chops about how easy I have it.

But I always remind him that before he judges me he should walk a mile in my shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xafxw/whenever_i_complain_about_things_i_have_a_friend/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room

He said, "Thank you"
I said, "Don't mention it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xae4q/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
I like my woman like I like my Laptop

On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xac87/i_like_my_woman_like_i_like_my_laptop/
%
I don't normally tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xabuj/i_dont_normally_tell_dad_jokes/
%
While the pope was visiting the USA,

he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."
Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."
The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly whispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xa9uj/while_the_pope_was_visiting_the_usa/
%
My fuck buddy sent me an email

No attachments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7xa49z/my_fuck_buddy_sent_me_an_email/
%
I hate it when people talk and eat loud in the cinema.

Like shutup, I'm trying to film a movie here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x9soa/i_hate_it_when_people_talk_and_eat_loud_in_the/
%
Childrens want to know, how many kinds of boobs and willies are there?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x9qlw/childrens_want_to_know_how_many_kinds_of_boobs/
%
What’s the best part about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop them off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x9nzu/whats_the_best_part_about_dating_a_homeless_girl/
%
Ever wonder why Kim Jong Un wants to switch from governing North Korea to South Korea?

He wants a Korea change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x9ntk/ever_wonder_why_kim_jong_un_wants_to_switch_from/
%
Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x9nkp/neil_armstrong_used_to_tell_really_bad_jokes/
%
I was watching a christmas movie about a missing dildo

*SPOILER ALERT*
it's been inside her all along

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x9ky8/i_was_watching_a_christmas_movie_about_a_missing/
%
How many times do redditors laugh at a joke?

Twice: once when they read it, once when they post it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x9koi/how_many_times_do_redditors_laugh_at_a_joke/
%
What does a robot do after a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x9c3d/what_does_a_robot_do_after_a_one_night_stand/
%
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team up and make a medicine to cure erectile dysfunction

And name it "Elon-Gate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x99mf/bill_gates_and_elon_musk_should_team_up_and_make/
%
Albert Einstein once said, "YOU MATTER!"

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, then you energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x90x4/albert_einstein_once_said_you_matter/
%
Disney really gets the Star Wars fanbase...

After 3 movies, our expectations are now Solo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8zjz/disney_really_gets_the_star_wars_fanbase/
%
I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8v6d/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_98/
%
I just got fired for something that I didn't do...

my job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8siq/i_just_got_fired_for_something_that_i_didnt_do/
%
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a sharp dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8pmb/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
%
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8mek/a_doctor_goes_out_and_buys_the_best_car_on_the/
%
A jazz player was arrested for groping a lady

He was charged with saxual harrasment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8ldt/a_jazz_player_was_arrested_for_groping_a_lady/
%
Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife

“Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
-
“No”, she replies sleepily.
-
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
-
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8is9/peter_comes_very_drunk_home_late_at_night_he/
%
The best thing you can do is betting your house in the casino.

The house always win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8gxl/the_best_thing_you_can_do_is_betting_your_house/
%
Be the change you want to see.

Disclaimer : Above quote is not for blind people as they can't see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8guf/be_the_change_you_want_to_see/
%
[Long] Once 5 people were on a plane...

1. Kanye West,
2. Bill Gates,
3. Donald Trump,
4. Joe Biden,
5. and a school girl
Suddenly the plane developed a technical snag and only 4 parachutes were available.
Kanye says, "I am world's greatest talent. I must live."  He takes a parachute and jumps.
Gates says, "I have done so much philanthropy.  I deserve to live."  He takes a parachute and jumps.
Trump tweets, "I am the leader of the world. I will live."  He grabs a parachute, flips the bird at the remaining two and jumps.
Biden says to the school girl, "You are the future of this planet.  You must live. Go on, take the last parachute."
The school girl smiles and replies, "Relax Joe, we have two parachutes. Trump took my school bag and jumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8flh/long_once_5_people_were_on_a_plane/
%
The other day, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.

About halfway down he turned and sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8flc/the_other_day_i_saw_a_midget_prisoner_climbing/
%
This new amazon echo is really amazing

I set it up today and said “Make my day” and got a list of Clint Eastwood movies
Then I said “yippie Kay yay” and got a list of Bruce Willis movies
Just then my neighborhood kids were running and screaming outside the house
I muttered “Fucking kids”
And a bunch of Kevin spacey movies appeared

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8fc5/this_new_amazon_echo_is_really_amazing/
%
I took a novel around Romania with me but it got tired.

So I gave the Bucharest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8f26/i_took_a_novel_around_romania_with_me_but_it_got/
%
[Long] A successful man, working as a sales representative...

...in a large company, tells his boss one day, “If you want me to continue working for you, I need a 20% raise.
You have 24 hours to give me an answer.
I have four companies chasing me, so let me know your decision”.
The boss is alarmed. “In this recession, a 20 percent raise?
So many employees are being laid off, and so many others have seen a major cut in their salaries, yet you want a 20% raise?”
"I am not here to debate this with you," says the employee.
"As I said, there are four companies chasing me, so just let me know your decision."
Next day, the boss calls him in, and says, that due to his great performance he decided to comply and will give him the requested raise.
"Great," the man says, “ I will continue gladly with you."
As he is leaving, his boss asked, "Out of curiosity, who are the four companies chasing you?"
"Oh, they are" he responded, "Bank of America, Wells Fargo, Credit Suisse, and Quicken loans.  I have to repay them all"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8bub/long_a_successful_man_working_as_a_sales/
%
I feel awful. I just tried to make pancakes for my kids but they were way too flat.

They shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x8856/i_feel_awful_i_just_tried_to_make_pancakes_for_my/
%
Comas make a big difference in a sentence. For example:

Ben is in a hurry
Ben is in a coma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x87qf/comas_make_a_big_difference_in_a_sentence_for/
%
To the guy who's been tailgating me for the last half hour: Fuck you.

I'm already doing 20 mph over the speed limit.
&nbsp;
Oh, and turn off those flashing lights on your roof, you look ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x83lh/to_the_guy_whos_been_tailgating_me_for_the_last/
%
My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh louder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x7ya3/my_wife_and_i_often_laugh_about_how_competitive/
%
A good pun

is its own reword.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x7t54/a_good_pun/
%
I came up with a great joke about feet.

It was the stuff of leg ends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x7rin/i_came_up_with_a_great_joke_about_feet/
%
Did you hear about the prostitute who worked in an insane asylum?

She was fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x7p9w/did_you_hear_about_the_prostitute_who_worked_in/
%
3 men walk into a bar

You'd think the 3rd would have ducked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x7m6z/3_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
There was this astronomer.

He browsed r/jokes everyday and after a while he realised that the same jokes were posted over and over again.
He decided to start posting one joke a day, after his morning astronomy sessions.
His jokes were always well received and every so often one of his jokes would reach the front page.
He became well known his fantastic material, so much so redditors started to question where he got these jokes from, were they reposts from another site, did he steal them, did he make them up himself...
He decided to share his secret. "you won't believe this, but when I look out into space with my telescope, I see  these jokes all around our Universe... The Galaxy, the stars, the planets, even in the darkness of empty space itself", he says, "but every now and then a true gem will come along. You see... The real joke is always in the comets"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x7k24/there_was_this_astronomer/
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A woman walks into an ice cream shop and tries to order two scoops of chocolate ice cream

The man behind the counter says "Sorry, we don't have any left. The woman apologizes and says "Oh ok. In that case, I'll have a cone... with two scoops of chocolate ice cream." The man is confused and says "Lady, I just told you that we don't have chocolate anymore." The woman says "Damn, I am so sorry. I guess I forgot that. Ok so then in that case, I'll have just a cup... with two scoops of chocolate ice cream." The guy sighs and says again "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but we don't have chocolate at the moment. The woman says "Ohhhh right right right. Sorry. Then I guess I'll have a Sundae....with two scoops of chocolate ice cream." The man is furious at this woman's incompetence and says "Ok lady, answer me this. How do you spell the 'van' in vanilla?"
The woman says "V-A-N"
The man says "How do you spell the 'straw' in strawberries?"
The woman says "S-T-R-A-W"
Then the man says "So now how do you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?"
The woman is confused and says "There's no fuck in chocolate"
"THATS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING THIS WHOLE GODDAMN TIME"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x7g67/a_woman_walks_into_an_ice_cream_shop_and_tries_to/
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What do you call a blind German?

A not see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x7fjo/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
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Before I could take a drink of my milk, my dad snatched the glass from in front of me, held it just to the side of my head and slowly moved it from one side of my face to the other. “There, it’s safe to drink now”, he said....

It’s been “past your eyes”
He’s been gone for almost 20 years, and I still remember the dad jokes like they were perfectly executed yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x7do9/before_i_could_take_a_drink_of_my_milk_my_dad/
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I went to the zoo the other day, and all they had was a dog

What a shih tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x79i4/i_went_to_the_zoo_the_other_day_and_all_they_had/
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How much cocaine does it take to kill an elephant?

A trunkfull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x771x/how_much_cocaine_does_it_take_to_kill_an_elephant/
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You know, I’ve never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room

Come to think of it, actually, I’ve never seen my Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x74qk/you_know_ive_never_seen_my_dad_and_santa_claus_in/
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Wife : " I really think we should stop visiting our neighbours at 1 AM"

Husband : " Nonsense! Don't you see how happy they look like when we leave?! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x74ak/wife_i_really_think_we_should_stop_visiting_our/
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I was at the pub the other night and overheard three hefty women talking at the bar....

Their accent appeared to be Gaelic, so I approached and asked,
"Hello, are you three lassies from Ireland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Ireland?"
And that's the last thing I remember!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x72wx/i_was_at_the_pub_the_other_night_and_overheard/
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I made a joke about net neutrality

Americans didn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x71hq/i_made_a_joke_about_net_neutrality/
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Stallone, Van Damme and Schwarzenegger decide to collaborate on a movie about classical composers.

"I'll be Beethoven" says Stallone.
Van Damne says "OK, I'll be Mozart".
Schwarzenegger says "I'll be Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6wvt/stallone_van_damme_and_schwarzenegger_decide_to/
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So an American WWII soldier finally takes a break from the frontlines...

So an American WWII soldier finally takes a break from the frontlines and is on a train to London, where he will tour for the next week or so.
He boards a train and notices that there are no empty seats, as it is overcrowded, and begins to search for an empty seat. He walks to one end of the train, and notices that a dog is sleeping in one of the seats. He says to the owner, a well dressed woman in her thirties, "lady, can you move your pooch so I can sit? I'm awfully tired."
She replies, "how dare you, you and your American attitude, trying to disturb my precious Petunia from her slumber. Such rudeness!!"
The soldier heads to the other end in his search, and sees no other alternative. Again, he asked the lady to move it, and she says, "rude AND arrogant, or do you have no ability to process what I'm saying through that thick skull of yours?"
Taking no more of this, he picks the dog up and throws it out the window. The lady screams, and tells everyone to shame and chastise the rude filthy American.
To her delight, a well dressed gentleman stands up and says, "you Americans, do everything wrong: you eat with the fork in the wrong hand, drive on the wrong side of the road, punctuate your quotations strangely, and make your tea incorrectly. Now you've done it again! You damned American, you threw the wrong b*tch out the window!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6wqg/so_an_american_wwii_soldier_finally_takes_a_break/
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Pakistani Maths Problems are like really really complex

Abdul has 3 lunch boxes.
He gives one to Rafiq and another to Hassan.
Calculate the radius of the explosion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6we2/pakistani_maths_problems_are_like_really_really/
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Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

He wanted to get along little doggy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6w9a/why_did_the_cowboy_buy_a_dachshund/
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What's an anti-vaccer's favorite game?

Marco Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6vab/whats_an_antivaccers_favorite_game/
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What was Romeo and Juliet's just dessert?

Cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6uqv/what_was_romeo_and_juliets_just_dessert/
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Another Blonde Joke

Two blondes stood by a car in which they had accidentally locked the key.
“We need to get in there,” says the first blonde. “Why don’t we use a coat hanger to slide the lock open?”
“No,” says the second. “People’d think we’re trying to steal the car.”
“I have a pair of scissors,” says the first. “We could use it to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock."
“No, they’d just say we’re too stupid to use a coat hanger.”
“Well, we’d better think of something fast,” sighed the first blonde. “It’s starting to rain and all the car windows are open.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6rid/another_blonde_joke/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, because he’s not a full essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6pld/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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No offense against anyone....

But at least my defense is top tier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6o0j/no_offense_against_anyone/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock this morning...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6n2a/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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Where can you find flying rabbits?

In the hare force.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6mwj/where_can_you_find_flying_rabbits/
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Things are not working out with my math teacher girlfriend but she is really good at sex.

I don't know whether to eighty-six her or sixty-nine her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6kls/things_are_not_working_out_with_my_math_teacher/
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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6gzm/a_teacher_asks_her_class_what_do_you_want_to_be/
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A man and woman had been married for 30 years

, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6fnt/a_man_and_woman_had_been_married_for_30_years/
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Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6fff/asked_google_how_to_start_a_campfire_without_any/
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They said I couldn't drink my problems away...

But science says Alcohol is a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x6cyc/they_said_i_couldnt_drink_my_problems_away/
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It took me 25 years to find out that when someone asks you to "hold your horses"...

they're asking you to be stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x67dg/it_took_me_25_years_to_find_out_that_when_someone/
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OJ Simpson has a new death metal band called:

Black Stabbeth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x65a1/oj_simpson_has_a_new_death_metal_band_called/
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I tried to commit suicide tonight

Walked into my garage, turned on my car, sat there for 3 hours and nothing! That's when I remembered... Fuck I drive a Tesla!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x5z9n/i_tried_to_commit_suicide_tonight/
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If you put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room, which would win?

the power company

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x5y1v/if_you_put_a_humidifier_and_a_dehumidifier_in_the/
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What does a Polish man give his wife on their wedding night that's long and hard?

His last name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x5vzy/what_does_a_polish_man_give_his_wife_on_their/
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The longest joke in the world

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.
He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.
He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.
Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.
He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.
He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.
After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.
He walks through the sand.
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.
But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.
Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.
Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.
He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.
He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.
Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.
Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"
He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.
Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.
And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.
He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.
He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.
He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.
He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"
He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"
He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.
"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.
"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!
"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"
"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."
"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"
"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.
"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."
"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.
"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.
"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.
"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.
"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"
"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.
"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."
"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"
"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.
"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"
"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"
"Yeah, they do," said Jack.
"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.
Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"
Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.
"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"
"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.
"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."
"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"
"Right," nodded Nate.
"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.
"That takes two requests, Jack."
"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"
"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."
"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"
"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.
"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"
"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.
Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.
"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"
Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?
Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...
Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...
Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."
"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."
"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"
"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."
"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.
"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"
"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."
"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.
"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.
"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.
"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."
"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.
Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.
"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.
Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.
Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!
Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."
"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."
Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"
"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."
"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"
"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."
"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.
"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."
"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.
"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.
"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"
"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.
"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.
"Why not?" asked Jack.
"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.
"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."
"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.
"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"
"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.
Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"
"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"
Nate continued to grin.
"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"
"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."
"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.
"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.
Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"
"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."
"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"
"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"
"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.
"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"
"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."
"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.
Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."
Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.
Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"
"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."
"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"
"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."
"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.
"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.
"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"
"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."
"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.
Nate watched him, waiting.
"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"
Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."
"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.
Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"
"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"
"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."
"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.
Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.
"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.
"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.
"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"
"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.
Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x5t28/the_longest_joke_in_the_world/
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Vaseline, Dinner and a Harley

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says..
And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her Dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouts - “I'll do the damned dishes!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x5qph/vaseline_dinner_and_a_harley/
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Stephen Hawking walks into a bar

Just kidding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x5p1z/stephen_hawking_walks_into_a_bar/
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My favorite joke as a kid: Brothers in the Hayloft

Two brothers were in the hayloft of their barn finishing their chores for the day. Just as the sun was setting, one of them accidentally kicked the ladder over. Now the only way to get down was to jump into a pile of manure, but they couldn't remember how deep it was, and they couldn't see it since the sun went down.
The brother who kicked the ladder felt bad and said he would go first. He leapt from the hayloft and disappeared into the darkness. A moment passed and the one still in the hayloft called out to see if his brother was okay.
"I'm fine, but I can't find the ladder. You're gonna have to jump."
Worried, the brother in the hayloft asked how deep it is. To his relief, his brother said it went up to his ankles. He gathered his courage and jumped. His feet hit the manure, but he didn't stop falling. When all was said and done, he was covered in shit up to his neck.
"I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS ANKLE DEEP!"
"Well, I jumped in headfirst."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x5oxr/my_favorite_joke_as_a_kid_brothers_in_the_hayloft/
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Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x5lr8/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_down_the_well/
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If looks could kill

I could cure cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x5k6s/if_looks_could_kill/
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Can’t believe someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo stick

How low can you go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x5fnj/cant_believe_someone_broke_into_my_house_last/
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A little girl with her new bike is standing on the sidewalk.

A policeman comes riding by on a horse. He asks the girl: „Did Santa give you that bike?“
„Yes he did!“, answered the girl.
„I‘m sorry little one, but I‘ll have to give you a fine. Tell Santa that the next bike has to have  lights.“, the policeman said.
Then the girl asked the policeman: „Did Santa give you that horse for Christmas?“
After a few moments the policeman replied: „Yes he did.“
The girl looked at the policeman and said: „Well, then tell Santa next year that the asshole belongs to the back, not on top.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x5eqd/a_little_girl_with_her_new_bike_is_standing_on/
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What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?

"Put it on my bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x55qv/what_did_the_duck_say_when_it_bought_lipstick/
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Charlie the mailman is about to retire...

After 35 years on his route, he sets out for his last day. A woman opens her door as he delivers her mail and asks "Is it true today's your last day Charlie?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Please, come in, I have something for you!" and she welcomes Charlie to a delightful breakfast.
When he finishes, Charlie thanks the woman and says he must be on his way, but she insists on showing him her gratitude as she leads him upstairs to the bedroom. She makes love to him, and once again Charlie thanks the woman profusely, but reminds her he must finish his route.
"Before you go" she says, "one last thing!" And she pulls a dollar bill from her purse and thrusts it toward him.
"Really ma'am, that's not necessary" Charlie says. "You've been far too kind already."
"No, I insist! My husband told me to give you this!"
"Your husband?!" Charlie asks, surprised.
"Yes, when I asked him what we should do to show our appreciation after all these years he said "Ahh fuck him, give him a dollar."
She smiles and adds, "Breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x4x8g/charlie_the_mailman_is_about_to_retire/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

trick question: everyone knows feminists can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x4vwb/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I have a fear of overly esoteric prefixes in front of the word "phobia."

I know what it's called, I just can't bring myself to say it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x4oog/i_have_a_fear_of_overly_esoteric_prefixes_in/
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Everybody knows Dave

''Dave was bragging to his boss one day, You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise? "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky."No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x4mxj/everybody_knows_dave/
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Most people have a family tree but I have a family cactus.

Because mine is full of pricks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x4lyl/most_people_have_a_family_tree_but_i_have_a/
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Many people think you can't get pregnant when using the pull-out method...

But that's a missed conception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x4h6l/many_people_think_you_cant_get_pregnant_when/
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Little Johnny learns about politics

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full of shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x4f8h/little_johnny_learns_about_politics/
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Interviewer: How did you become a Bitcoin millionare

Bitcoin Millionare: ...bit by bit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x4ao7/interviewer_how_did_you_become_a_bitcoin/
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Initials on the Tree

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x49km/initials_on_the_tree/
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A new study shows 4 out of 5 dentists recommend...

That people stop using the other guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x48qx/a_new_study_shows_4_out_of_5_dentists_recommend/
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The son went to his dad and asked him, “Dad, What’s an Alcoholic?”

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x47wm/the_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_him_dad_whats/
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My penis grants wishes

... but only if you wish for disappointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x47ge/my_penis_grants_wishes/
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Can't you just love me for who I am

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, no sex tonight either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x47ct/cant_you_just_love_me_for_who_i_am/
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How does a train eat?

It chew chews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x446r/how_does_a_train_eat/
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They say to always follow your gut

Your mom must be pretty intuitive, her gut is always 2 steps ahead of her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x42y5/they_say_to_always_follow_your_gut/
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Some say he never recovered...

Bill went to see his doctor and nervously asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.
The doctor reassured him, "In over 20 years I haven't laughed at a single patient because I always remain thoroughly professional."
With that Bill dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.
The doctor just couldn't help himself and burst into uncontrollable laughter before composing himself and saying, "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me. I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
Bill said, "It's swollen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3zkg/some_say_he_never_recovered/
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course! The Empire State Building can't jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3zgh/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_the_empire_state/
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Did you hear about the doctor who permanently lost his license JUST for sleeping with one of his patients?!?

He was a great veterinarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3ula/did_you_hear_about_the_doctor_who_permanently/
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Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3sxf/donald_trump_and_barack_obama_ended_up_at_the/
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A man decides to go hunting

He says to his wife, “Honey, I’m going hunting tomorrow and I want you to pack me a lunch.” She says, “You know, every time you go hunting I’m stuck here at home with nothing to do. How about I go with you?” He says, “I don’t know, I’m up awfully early and I know how much you enjoy your sleep.” His wife insists and so eventually he agrees. The next morning he’s up around 4:00 but waits about a half hour before finally waking up his wife. “Wake up honey it’s time to go.” His wife turns and says “Oh, you know I’m pretty tired, I think I don’t want to go after all.” He says, “Well goddamn it, I just waited and extra half hour so you could sleep in a bit and now you say you don’t want to go?” She says, can you give me just a few minutes more and let me think about it?” He says, “Ok, I’m gonna go check on the hunting dogs, I’ll be back.” He goes and checks on the dogs and comes back. “Ok” He says, “You coming or not?” She tells him she’s too sleepy and would rather not. He says, “Ok since you’ve wasted my time I’m gonna give you another choice, either I get to fuck you in the ass, or you’re gonna suck my dick. I’m gonna finish getting the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.” He goes to finish up with the dogs and comes back. “Alright, what’s it gonna be?” She says “I’m so sorry hon, how bout I suck your dick?” So he whips out his dick and she starts sucking and immediately turns her head and spits in disgust. “Oh my god, your dick tastes like shit!” He says, “Yeah, the dogs didn’t want to go either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3rzq/a_man_decides_to_go_hunting/
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How is potential energy like a potential future?

When you fall down a cliff you're getting rid of both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3olk/how_is_potential_energy_like_a_potential_future/
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How is the south dealing with birth control

They are banning family reunions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3og9/how_is_the_south_dealing_with_birth_control/
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Alien Sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead,  his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until  the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping  my forehead and pulling my ears!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3n88/alien_sex/
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4 Nuns Go To Heaven...

A terrible bus crash kills 4 Nuns.
They arrive at the Pearly Gates and are greeted by St Peter.
St Peter says: "Before you enter Heaven, you must be cleansed of sin".
The first Nun, Sister Josephine, raises her hand and says "I have seen with my own eyes a naked penis".
St Peter replies: "cleanse your eyes with Holy Water and you may enter Heaven".
Sister Katherine raises her hand and says "I have touched a penis".
St Peter replies "cleanse your hands in Holy Water and you may enter Heaven".
After this there is commotion as Sister Margaret pushes to the front of the line.
"There is no need to push infront", says St Peter.
"Oh yes there is", replies Sister Margaret. "I need to gargle the water before Sister Mary washes her arse"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3l3p/4_nuns_go_to_heaven/
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Loyalty

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.  In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.  Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.  Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.  She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.  She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3it2/loyalty/
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what did the terminator say after deciding to learn classical music?

"I'll be bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3ipe/what_did_the_terminator_say_after_deciding_to/
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A kid asks his mom why she's always bouncing on Daddy's tummy

This kid went to ask his mom one day why she's always bouncing on Daddy's tummy.  He didn't understand and would assume that it would hurt.
The mom responded that she was doing that so that Daddy's tummy would not bloat up and get fat.
The kid then replied, "Mommy, that's never going to work because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3i1t/a_kid_asks_his_mom_why_shes_always_bouncing_on/
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Handy neighborly blonde

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3fmt/handy_neighborly_blonde/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3fgc/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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What's the difference between Cowboy hats and Tampons?

Cowboy hats are for assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3f7m/whats_the_difference_between_cowboy_hats_and/
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What is a pirate's favourite element?

Aye. Ye might say aarrrrgon, but no, it's the element of surprise!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3eey/what_is_a_pirates_favourite_element/
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Lawyer and a Blonde

A gorgeous blonde and a hot-shot lawyer are sitting first class right next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " the lawyer continues. "Your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can't find an answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and googles it, but he still has no answer. Frustrated, he instant messages all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be no help at all. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3dhs/lawyer_and_a_blonde/
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Blonde Policewomen

A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?' Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x3auy/blonde_policewomen/
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What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can wash and resell her crack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x33y9/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
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Two blondes were walking in a park

...when one of them said: "Look, a dead bird!" The other one looked up in the sky and asked "where?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x32fc/two_blondes_were_walking_in_a_park/
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The French eat more butter than any country per capita

They're ahead of the next closest by a large margarine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x308i/the_french_eat_more_butter_than_any_country_per/
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I met this beautiful girl in the park yesterday. Sparks flew and she fell at my feet. We ended up having sex right there on the spot.

God, I love my new taser﻿!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x2z0y/i_met_this_beautiful_girl_in_the_park_yesterday/
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Doctor, doctor... I keep taking things literally.

Doctor: try not to be so serious all the time.
Me: no, you don't understand, I'm a Kleptomaniac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x2xvv/doctor_doctor_i_keep_taking_things_literally/
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Why was the null column condemned by the church?

Because it didn't have any values.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x2vup/why_was_the_null_column_condemned_by_the_church/
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Alentines Ay

For those who won't be getting the V or the D on February 14th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x2ub4/alentines_ay/
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Easter this year is April Fools Day

Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x2rgo/easter_this_year_is_april_fools_day/
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I like my women like I like my toasters,

Turned on, and in the tub with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x2kf5/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_toasters/
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Male Sex Drive Through The Ages

Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly
Between 33 and 52: Try weekly
52 and up: Try weakly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x2ez0/male_sex_drive_through_the_ages/
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Why don't Greek gods insult people anymore?

Because Icarus already had the sickest burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x2aes/why_dont_greek_gods_insult_people_anymore/
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What's an evil gathering called?

A demonstration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x29vc/whats_an_evil_gathering_called/
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Two statues brought to life

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." The statues came to life and smiled at each other. They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Giggling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x29lb/two_statues_brought_to_life/
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A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and thats how all mankind was made..'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. He answered, Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me humans were created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, its very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x28st/a_little_girl_asked_her_mother_how_did_the_human/
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A lady sitting in the dentist...

A lady sitting in the dentist chair told the dentist, "I would rather go through the pain of child birth than have you drill in my mouth." The dentist replied, "Well, you had better make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x26cq/a_lady_sitting_in_the_dentist/
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A man walks into a bar...

And stays there my entire childhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x250m/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x24dm/kid_mom_am_i_ugly/
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A woman is in labor and about to have a baby.

Her husband is pacing around the room, frantically, and becoming a nuisance for the staff. It is requested that he stay in the waiting room, until things are calmer.
So the father is in the waiting, anxiously,  debating his new responsibility. Most suddenly, the doors fly open, the doctor comes running out. He’s got the baby by the ankles, swinging it around bashing it into the walls and on tables. Blood is flying everywhere!!!!  The father jumps up, screaming, “what the fuck are you doing!!!?!?!?”
The doctor says, “HA! Just kidding, it was already dead!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x20lu/a_woman_is_in_labor_and_about_to_have_a_baby/
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Did you hear about those corduroy pillows!?!?

They're making headlines...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x1zn2/did_you_hear_about_those_corduroy_pillows/
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A woman cheats on her Husband.

A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage. Realising her mistake, she starts praying to God:
"God, I know I did a bad thing But my marriage is the only thing that makes me happy. Please don't let my husband find out."
She hears a voice from above: Okay my child it will be. But the only condition is, years from now you're going to die by drowning.
The woman agrees. The next years of her life become wonderful. She even wins the lottery and starts a successful business. Forgetting her conversation with God, she books a vacation on a cruise ship. During her cruise, the ship starts sinking. Remembering her faith, she starts praying to God again:
"God, you're not gonna drown a whole ship full of people because of me right?
She hears a familiar voice once again: "Are you kidding me? I've been gathering you whores for years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x1tsv/a_woman_cheats_on_her_husband/
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Special High Intensity Teaching

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other schools. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be intersted in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are attending to pursue a carrier in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)
Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x1sxl/special_high_intensity_teaching/
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My friends started calling me captain obvious

But just so you know I’m not actually a captain, it’s just a nickname.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x1si2/my_friends_started_calling_me_captain_obvious/
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I was bullied...

When I was a little kid this other kid in a wheelchair used to bully me but I couldn't do anything about it because I felt bad making fun of him. So for the rest of my life people knew me as the guy who "couldn't stand up for himself" and I think that's ironic considering it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x1mw1/i_was_bullied/
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Southern University Psychology Joke

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “what is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness,” said the student. “And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. “Elation,” she said. “And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “what about the opposite of woe?” The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be ‘giddy up’ .”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x1ldu/southern_university_psychology_joke/
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The husband jokes about his wife being fat

While the couple is dining, the husband says "Oh my god woman, aren't you eating too much? Look at you with that dress. You look just like our washing machine!". The wife is visibly upset, but stay silent for the rest of the day.
That night, already on the bed, the husband is feeling bad about what he said and try to make amends. "Okay dear, I'm sorry, let's put this nonsense behind us. How about we put this sexy washing machine to work, huh?" The wife looks at him and answers "Oh 'dear', I don't think that's necessary. That little piece of rag that you have there you can wash with your own hands in ten seconds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x1la4/the_husband_jokes_about_his_wife_being_fat/
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For three years, the young attorney

had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ about whether we’d rather have a bastard in the family, or a lawyer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x1ip7/for_three_years_the_young_attorney/
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A chicken walks into a library

and says
"Book, book, book"
The librarian hands the chicken three books and the chicken leave the library. On the way out the chicken run into a frog. The chicken show the frog the books and says
"Book, book, book"
The frog replies
"Reddit, reddit, reddit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x1hvv/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
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Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?

You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x1672/why_are_reposts_always_upvoted_more_than_original/
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A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"
The wife asks, "How does he know you?"
Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."
Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?"
The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time..."
Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x145g/a_wife_treats_her_husband_by_taking_him_to_a/
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What do Spider-Man and Metallica have in common?

Both have had an experience of entering Sandman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x13zn/what_do_spiderman_and_metallica_have_in_common/
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Why must 8 always stand up?

If it lies down, it's forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x13o7/why_must_8_always_stand_up/
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What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't hear a vitamin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x10zh/whats_the_difference_between_a_vitamin_and_a/
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Blonde childbirth

It's a blonde who gave birth to two beautiful babies, twins, however, she cries endlessly!
The nurse then tells him:
"But see madame! Why are you crying ? You are now mother of 2 beautiful babies, in good health!
- I know, says the blonde, but I do not know who is the father of the second!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0wr3/blonde_childbirth/
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I have a horse named Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0w6t/i_have_a_horse_named_mayo/
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I asked a group of women to describe their husbands using a soft drink [possibly NSFW]

The first said, "Mtn Dew, because he's always ready to mount 'n' do me"
The second said, "7up, because it may only be seven inches but it's always up"
The third said, "Jack Daniels"
I said, "But that's a hard liquor"
She relied, "Yes, and so is he"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0vss/i_asked_a_group_of_women_to_describe_their/
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Asked my Spanish friend if he liked any letters in the alphabet.

"C," he said. "E, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0vsk/asked_my_spanish_friend_if_he_liked_any_letters/
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My Indian girlfriend said I could give her a facial.

I nearly came on the spot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0vcu/my_indian_girlfriend_said_i_could_give_her_a/
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Long

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said,”I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?” Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0shp/long/
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I can’t believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program during the budget debate...

It was like a bargaining CHIP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0r5r/i_cant_believe_the_way_they_used_the_childrens/
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If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.

They're usually 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0oqp/if_you_ever_get_cold_stand_in_the_corner_of_a/
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Did you hear about the gay amnesiac who stared in pornographic films?

He never knew he had it in him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0j71/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_amnesiac_who_stared_in/
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Oranges are actually male or female.

If it squirts in your eye without warning, it’s a male.
And if it’s bitter for no fucking reason, it’s s female.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0hsk/oranges_are_actually_male_or_female/
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I realized I am old.... I don't know what Discord is...

So I altavista'd it and apparently it's like ICQ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0fpm/i_realized_i_am_old_i_dont_know_what_discord_is/
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On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.

It's going to be completely Excel Lent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0f5t/on_ash_wednesday_i_will_be_giving_up_spreadsheets/
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What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0en0/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_two_brain_cells/
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What do you call a really loud stick that tries to overthrow its government?

Acoustic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0ekp/what_do_you_call_a_really_loud_stick_that_tries/
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A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos

, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.
Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"
She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0d07/a_blonde_notices_that_her_coworker_has_a_thermos/
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How many women have you slept with?

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0bim/how_many_women_have_you_slept_with/
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I have upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0!!!!

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x0a4z/i_have_upgraded_from_boyfriend_50_to_husband_10/
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A Native American comes to his chief with a question...

For as long as anyone could remember, the chief was in charge of naming all of the children born into the tribe.
One day, this one brave comes to him and says "Chief, Can I ask you something? How do you name these children? Where do their names come from?"
The Chief looks at him and says "It's very simple, young one. When a child is born and I see snow gently falling, I say *You shall be called snow gently falling* and when a child is born and I see a hawk flying over, I say *You shall be called hawk flying over.*
But tell me, Two Dogs Fucking, why are you so interested?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x093p/a_native_american_comes_to_his_chief_with_a/
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Can your D*ck touch your as*hole?

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x08jj/can_your_dck_touch_your_ashole/
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Husband after losing another argument,

tells his wife, "You must learn to learn to embrace your mistakes."
Wife runs over and hugs him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x05lw/husband_after_losing_another_argument/
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My wife told me I was immature...

I told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x050c/my_wife_told_me_i_was_immature/
%
Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank?

He got caught drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x017l/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_security_guard_who_got/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7x00sh/knock_knock/
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During my check-up I asked my doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy live?"

He replied, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I said, "I don't believe in any of that astrology bullshit doc"
"Neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzwcq/during_my_checkup_i_asked_my_doctor_do_you_think/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

His friend calls 911. ‘My friend is dead! What should I do?’ The operator replies, ‘Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he’s dead.’ There’s a silence, then a loud bang... the guy says, ‘Ok, now what?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzv3e/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house

The woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzthc/a_man_and_a_woman_are_sleeping_together_when/
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So this guy arrives looking depressed at his job...

The bosses notices, and ask: What's wrong?
The guy replies: I dunno, I just woke up feeling like that. I just feel tired and depressed.
The boss then say: I know the feeling. It happens to me often too. I'll give you a trick: When I feel like that, I just go back home, and f**k my wife like an animal. It always helped making me feel better.
The guy replies: Oh, really? Do you mind if...?
The boss interupts and say: Nah, go ahead, take the day off. It's not gonna be a busy day today anyways...
So the guy leaves his job. The following morning, when the guy comes to his job, the boss notices his employee smiling and being obviously feeling better. He goes to him and ask: So, feeling better, man?
The guy replies: Thanks for the advice, boss, you're right, I do feel a lot better... But boss, I never knew you were such a great golfer! I saw all your trophies, congratulations!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzr6w/so_this_guy_arrives_looking_depressed_at_his_job/
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What was the news headline when a crazy man sexually assaulted two laundry women and ran away?

NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzoxn/what_was_the_news_headline_when_a_crazy_man/
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My mate is back from Thailand

and said he had sex with two Thai birds and it was like winning the lottery.
Six matching balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzotl/my_mate_is_back_from_thailand/
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I don't get what the big deal is with spiders. Why is everyone so scared of them?

I got to know the spider living in the corner of my room. We talked about our dreams and goals, he wants to be a Web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzot9/i_dont_get_what_the_big_deal_is_with_spiders_why/
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Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzl0k/smoking_will_kill_you_bacon_will_kill_you/
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A british tourist arrives to the Sydney airport.

The australian duty officer checks the tourist's passport before letting him enter the country, then asks:
"Have you ever been sentenced?"
"Wait, is this still a requirement?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzklu/a_british_tourist_arrives_to_the_sydney_airport/
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I was blessed with a 10 inch penis....

But the priest is in jail now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzjjz/i_was_blessed_with_a_10_inch_penis/
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Why is r/jokes the most environmentally friendly sub?

Every joke is made from 100% recycled material.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzieg/why_is_rjokes_the_most_environmentally_friendly/
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On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with a medicine man living in a nearby village who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the village and saw the medicine man.
The old medicine man gave him a potion and, with a firm grip on his shoulder, warned "This is a powerful medicine.  You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.'  When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the medicine man, and as he walked away, he turned and asked:  “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4'", he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,   showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said:  "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzeoa/on_his_70th_birthday_a_man_was_given_a_gift/
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven......

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzc6x/three_women_die_together_in_an_accident_and_go_to/
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A man walks into a butcher shop...

A man walks into a butcher shop and asks if the butcher has any duck meat.
The butcher says of course he does, but can only give it on a special condition.
"You can only get the duck if you stab yourself with a butcher's knife" the butcher tells the man.
The man was confused and Immediately demands an explanation for the absurd rule.
The butcher simply points to a sign located outside his store and it clearly reads
"No Harm No Fowl"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzc41/a_man_walks_into_a_butcher_shop/
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You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water, if it sinks it is girl ant..!

If it floats it is boy ant..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wzbqk/you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by_dropping_it/
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Three blokes were working on a high rise building project...

Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says, "someone should go and tell his wife."
Macca says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, so I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a case of beer. Simmo says, "where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me". Simmo says, "that's unbelievable - you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Macca says, "well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Chook's widow. She said, no, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "you wanna bet me a case?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wz88c/three_blokes_were_working_on_a_high_rise_building/
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Conjunctivitis.com

Now there's a site for sore eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wz7mj/conjunctivitiscom/
%
What does President Trump yell to get troops to withdraw from a battle?

RETWEEEEET!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wz6va/what_does_president_trump_yell_to_get_troops_to/
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Why do women talk less in February?

There's only 28 days this month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wz1y0/why_do_women_talk_less_in_february/
%
Guy: My girlfriend is pregnant. We always used protection and the rubber never broke. How did this happen?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wz0xb/guy_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_we_always_used/
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Say what you want about Vladimir Putin..

But not many people can run two countries at once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wyzyd/say_what_you_want_about_vladimir_putin/
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How many congressmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn't really matter, they forgot to pass the electricity bill again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wyxqe/how_many_congressmen_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Alcoholism causes memory loss, liver diesase,

And memory loss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wyul9/alcoholism_causes_memory_loss_liver_diesase/
%
You know that sound when the ketchup bottle falls against the cabin you just closed?

That's the sound of someone else's problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wyujy/you_know_that_sound_when_the_ketchup_bottle_falls/
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A plane made an emergency landing on water

. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused.
The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain, being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her - “You tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE. Tell the British this is an HONOUR. Tell the French this is a ROMANTIC activity, and tell the Germans this is the LAW. Tell the Japanese this is an ORDER, and everyone will be sorted out.”
The stewardess remembered the flight had some passengers from India and Singapore too. “What about them”, she asked.
The captain laughed. “Easy. Just tell the Indians this activity is FREE.”
“And what about the Singaporeans?”, she persisted.
The captain, taking a deep breath, patiently explained -
“You need not tell the SIngaporeans anything, my dear. Once they see a QUEUE, they will join it without questions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wys35/a_plane_made_an_emergency_landing_on_water/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wyq8h/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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Three men crash in the jungle...

Three men walk lost through the jungle after having crashed their plane, after hours of walking finally reach a village, but they discover that it is populated by cannibals, the villagers take them to their leader, who tells them that if they manage to pass a task the leader will let them go, but if they fail, he will kill them.
The task is to look for a fruit and take it to him, so the three men leave in their search. After a while, the first man returns with a bunch of grapes, then the second one with an orange, but the third one still did not arrive...
The second part of the test was to put the fruit in the asshole, the first man begins:
One grape... Two grapes ... Three grapes... The man suffers a fit of uncontrollable laughter, and the leader kills him.
The second takes the orange and starts laughing too, so they kill him, the two men are in heaven and start talking, one says to the other: "I started laughing because I couldn't fit anymore grapes, but you had not even started and you were already laughing, what happened?
-I just saw our partner coming with a watermelon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wyn9b/three_men_crash_in_the_jungle/
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Never met a girl quite like you before.

Everyday a man goes jogging by a lake, everyday he comes across a a disabled women who has no arms and no legs.  One day she stops the man and says to him "I've never been hugged before will you hug me?"so he does and carries on.  The next day the man is jogging and comes across her again and she says to him "I've never been kissed before will you kiss me?"He does and carries on.  The next day he comes across her again and she says to him "I've never been fucked before will you fuck me?"the man picks her up and tosses her in the lake and says "There now you're fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wymcy/never_met_a_girl_quite_like_you_before/
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What has a hundred balls and fucks old ladies?

Bingo!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wyjvn/what_has_a_hundred_balls_and_fucks_old_ladies/
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Abortions...

They really bring out the kid in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wyjro/abortions/
%
Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the  apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on  all the neighbourhood activities.
“There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wygzg/afternoon_sex/
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What's the difference between drunk drivers and stoned drivers?

Drunk drivers run stop signs. Stoned drivers wait for them to turn green!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wyfxh/whats_the_difference_between_drunk_drivers_and/
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My favorite Lent joke (as told to me by an Episcopal reverend)

A Protestant moves into a Catholic neighborhood.  It's a pretty open-minded and welcoming community, and everyone gets along great.
The first time an issue presents itself is when Lent rolls around.  During Lent, the Catholics in the neighborhood all swear off red meat.  Every day at lunch, however, as his neighbors were eating cold tuna sandwiches, the Protestant would grill himself a big, juicy steak that could be smelled throughout the neighborhood.
Several weeks into Lent, the Catholics meet after Mass to discuss the issue.  They didn't want to be unneighborly, but the smell was really driving them crazy.
Then, one of them comes up with a suggestion: since the Protestant moved to a Catholic community, maybe he'd be open to converting.  While it wouldn't fix the problem that year, it would make next year's Lent go much more smoothly.  After much debate, they agree to bring the offer to the Protestant.
To their surprise and delight, he is completely open to converting.  He goes through the process and gets rebaptized as a Catholic.  The entire neighborhood shows up for his confirmation, where the priest splashes him with holy water while saying, "You were born a Protestant ... you were raised a Protestant ... and now you're a Catholic."
The next year goes smoothly, and the whole neighborhood gets along great.  Then, Lent rolls around again.  As everyone is at home with their cold tuna sandwiches, a smell permeates the air: charcoal, wood chips, STEAK.  Confused, everyone rushes over to the convert's house.
They find him standing over his grill, a juicy steak cooking away.  He's splashing the slab of meat with beer, and the neighbors hear him speaking in a solemn voice.
"You were born a cow ... you were raised a cow ... and now you're a fish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wyfhg/my_favorite_lent_joke_as_told_to_me_by_an/
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Why are elements so important?

Because they matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wyffg/why_are_elements_so_important/
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Jail Jokes

It's a man's first night in prison.  Lights out, and he's lying anxiously in his cell, unable to sleep.
Suddenly, he hears a voice ring out.
"28!"
The entire cell block bursts into laughter.  After it dies down, another prisoner yells out.
"84!"
Another round of laughter.  The new prisoner hears his cellmate laughing, too, so he asks him about what's going on.
"See, we've been in here so long, we know all our jokes by heart.  So instead of saying the same jokes every time, we just assigned each one a number and yell that out."
The new prisoner nods and listens as more numbers are yelled and more laughter is heard.  Wanting to fit in, he waits for a lull in the laughter, then yells out himself.
"42!"
Silence.  The new prisoner, confused, looks at his cellmate, who just shrugs.
"It's not so much the joke as how you tell it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wycye/jail_jokes/
%
What do I remember about the midget who attacked me?

Very little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wybsh/what_do_i_remember_about_the_midget_who_attacked/
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An elderly couple was sitting in a church...

An elderly couple was sitting in a church and the woman turned to her husband and said "I farted silently, what should I do now?"
The husband replied, "You need to change the batteries for your hearing aid"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wy8i2/an_elderly_couple_was_sitting_in_a_church/
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As a man i avoid wearing pink shirts or anything too feminine ..

thats why my bra and panties are always black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wy7ol/as_a_man_i_avoid_wearing_pink_shirts_or_anything/
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A rock and some scissors saw a piece of paper

"What's that?" Asked the scissors.
"Beats me" said the rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wy3zk/a_rock_and_some_scissors_saw_a_piece_of_paper/
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Copper instruments make the symphony sounds so much better than brass.

Copper is a much better conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wy3bd/copper_instruments_make_the_symphony_sounds_so/
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A Black, a Jew, a Mexican, and a Bigot are sitting on a park bench.

The black guy notices an old oil lamp under the bench and rubs the dirt and dust off of it when POOF! A genie comes out of it. The genie says "thank you so much, I have been in that lamp for 2000 years, I am so grateful that I will grant you each one wish." The black guy says "I wish that all black people would go back to Africa and live in peace, harmony, and prosperity in out beautiful homeland." BAM! The black guy and all black people dissapear and are moved to Africa. The Jewish guy says "I wish all Jews could go back to Israel and live in peace, harmony, and prosperity without any conflict with the other countries in the Middle East." BAM! The Jew and all Jewish people dissapear and are moved to Israel. The Mexican says "I wish all Latinos could go back to their respective countries and live in peace, harmony, and prosperity." BAM! The Mexican dissapears along with all of the Hispanics and are moved to their own countries. The genie asks the bigot "What do you want?" The bigot replies "So all the blacks are in Africa, Jews in Israel, and Hispanics south of the border?" The genie says "Yes." So the Bigot says "I'd like a diet Coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wxzv6/a_black_a_jew_a_mexican_and_a_bigot_are_sitting/
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What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wxurn/whats_the_difference_between_3_cocks_and_a_joke/
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Why was Kurt Cobain depressed at 13?

Midlife Crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wxs98/why_was_kurt_cobain_depressed_at_13/
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My classmates call me racist all the time...

But I don't believe them because black people are stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wxpjj/my_classmates_call_me_racist_all_the_time/
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A man can only have so much sex.

Do you know how to tell when he's nearing his limit?
He says "I do" and puts a ring on the finger of a woman in a fancy white dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wxpa5/a_man_can_only_have_so_much_sex/
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Too Much Information

"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"
"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."
"Did I dial the wrong number?
"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."
"Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please."
"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"
"The usual? You know what my usual is?"
"According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you've ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust."
"Okay, that’s what I want this time too."
"May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?"
"No, I hate vegetables."
"But your cholesterol is not good."
"How do you know?"
"Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years."
"You know what, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and everyone else having all my information! I'm going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!"
"I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport... it expired 5 weeks ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wxhht/too_much_information/
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If you wish to be big

Don't belittle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wxhgf/if_you_wish_to_be_big/
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Why did it took so long to investigate Flint water crisis?

They never appointed a lead detective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wxb8u/why_did_it_took_so_long_to_investigate_flint/
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How did Jesus pay for our sins?

Praypal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wx979/how_did_jesus_pay_for_our_sins/
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A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wx55r/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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And the lord said unto John, “come forth and receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wx43q/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and/
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On the base a Private First Class (PFC) was working in the car repair shop. The phone rang.

He answered. The man on the phone asked, "When will my car be fixed?"
PFC: "Can't talk now I am working on some annoying General's car."
General: "Do you know who this is?"
PFC: "No."
General: "This is the ANNOYING GENERAL!"
PFC: "Well, do you know who this is?"
General: "No."
PFC: "Good, goodbye!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wx3vl/on_the_base_a_private_first_class_pfc_was_working/
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"Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"  Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wwytq/anyone_who_thinks_hes_stupid_may_stand_up/
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Self-deprecating humor...

It's my worst quality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wwwhy/selfdeprecating_humor/
%
Heard about the Moscow plane that went down...

...probably because they were rushin’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wwuie/heard_about_the_moscow_plane_that_went_down/
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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wwrv8/three_men_a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an/
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Donald trump and Kim Jong-Un have a race to see who can fall off a bridge the quickest. Who wins?

Society

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wwq0r/donald_trump_and_kim_jongun_have_a_race_to_see/
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What Olympic country is projected to win the most medals?

Finland. They always Finnish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wwouz/what_olympic_country_is_projected_to_win_the_most/
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What is a criminal's least favourite metal?

The copper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wwjgh/what_is_a_criminals_least_favourite_metal/
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What did Ernie say after being asked if he wanted desert?

Sherbert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wwh63/what_did_ernie_say_after_being_asked_if_he_wanted/
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If you turn a boat over you can wear it as a hat

It’s capsized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wwgjo/if_you_turn_a_boat_over_you_can_wear_it_as_a_hat/
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I needed a woman escort to attend an event but I couldnt find one

So I had my buddy dress up as Iron Man, that way he was Fe male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wwg0u/i_needed_a_woman_escort_to_attend_an_event_but_i/
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How many thespians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two: one to change the lightbulb, and the other to say: "It should have been ME up there, changing that lightbulb!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wwd6q/how_many_thespians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Apparently you can't use "fortnight" as a password.

Two week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wwcfu/apparently_you_cant_use_fortnight_as_a_password/
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If women ruled the world there would be no wars

Just periods of very tense negotiations once a month

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wwaae/if_women_ruled_the_world_there_would_be_no_wars/
%
I asked my parents why they chose me.

They said they ask themselves that too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ww96i/i_asked_my_parents_why_they_chose_me/
%
If I had a penny for every time someone called me frugal...

I'd be able to save even more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ww4hw/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_time_someone_called_me/
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How do Japanese dogs say hello?

Konichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wvs1z/how_do_japanese_dogs_say_hello/
%
Can a shoe box?

No, but a tin can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wvrlj/can_a_shoe_box/
%
Wish she was my neighbor

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wvrkt/wish_she_was_my_neighbor/
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2 fish in a tank

One says to the other.... so how do we drive this thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wvns3/2_fish_in_a_tank/
%
I just like to sleep naked

I think the flight attendant could have been a little more understanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wvniq/i_just_like_to_sleep_naked/
%
Parking spaces are similiar to girls...

All the best ones are taken so sometimes you have to stick it in a disabled one.
And once you choose one you always see a better one.
(Edit) spelling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wvmfq/parking_spaces_are_similiar_to_girls/
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What do we want? Time travel.

When do we want it? It's irrelevant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wviyf/what_do_we_want_time_travel/
%
I went to the optician the other day. The optician said: "You will have to stop masturbating!"

Optician: "You will have to stop masturbating!"
Me: "What? It doesn't really make you go blind, does it?!"
Optician: "No, but I am trying to examine you right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wvcon/i_went_to_the_optician_the_other_day_the_optician/
%
Cute things to call your girlfriend:

1. Sugar
2. Honey
3. Flour
4. Egg
5. 1/2 lb of butter
6. Stir
7. Pour into pan
8. Preheat oven to 375°

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wva2m/cute_things_to_call_your_girlfriend/
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Why go to the paint store when you're on a diet?

You can get thinner there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wv9uw/why_go_to_the_paint_store_when_youre_on_a_diet/
%
There are flat earthers, there are tide pod eaters,

And there are people who want the first two to be the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wv826/there_are_flat_earthers_there_are_tide_pod_eaters/
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A mexican magician

A Mexican magician says that on the count out three he would disappear.
“Uno, dos...”
And then he disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wv3fc/a_mexican_magician/
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The real reason some women don’t like guys under 6 feet

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wuzew/the_real_reason_some_women_dont_like_guys_under_6/
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My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wuyne/my_boyfriend_is_getting_me_a_dildo_cast_from_his/
%
A 20 year old boy was delivering newspapers

A 20 year old boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wurto/a_20_year_old_boy_was_delivering_newspapers/
%
A man shows up at a doctors office with the frog that has grown out of the top of his head

"Can you explain to me when all of this started and how it all developed?" asks the doctor.
"Well, let me tell you, it all started as a small pimple on my ass..." says the frog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wumm7/a_man_shows_up_at_a_doctors_office_with_the_frog/
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She said: "Come to my place on Saturday. There will be nobody home."

So I went to her place and rang the doorbell. There was nobody home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wu9uj/she_said_come_to_my_place_on_saturday_there_will/
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Little known fact- the sword fish has few predators to worry about in the wild... except

for the rarely seen Penfish which is said to be even mightier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wu5ce/little_known_fact_the_sword_fish_has_few/
%
Jason and Charlie go golfing

After a few holes Jason misses what should have been an easy putt. "God dammit, I missed!" said Jason. Charlie replies, "Woah there, you really shouldn't use the Lord's name in vain or God himself may strike down upon you". Jason assures Charlie it won't happen again and they continue to play. A few holes later history repeats itself. "God dammit, I missed again!" yells Jason. Charlie reminds him, "Seriously Jason, you have to stop doing that or God himself will strike down upon you". Jason ignores Charlie this time and they finish up the hole. After some time passes, they arrive at the final hole. Jason is lining up his final putt to win the game. He takes it and misses. "God dammit! God dammit! God dammit!" yells Jason as he throws his putter. Charlie starts to remind him again but before he could finish the sky becomes dark and the ground starts to shake. All of a sudden, a bolt of lightning strikes down and kills Charlie. The sky then starts to clear, and a voice can be heard from above. "God dammit, I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wu4sr/jason_and_charlie_go_golfing/
%
My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had.

For some reason, she woke up bald and in a bad attitude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wu1ax/my_wife_was_worried_about_getting_older_so_before/
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When I get into an argument with my wife, I always get the last word

"Yes, dear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wu0in/when_i_get_into_an_argument_with_my_wife_i_always/
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A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He picks it up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head

“What are you doing?!” shouts the barman.
“Just having a look around”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wu03a/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_seeing_eye/
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One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody...

Unless you’re in prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wtxx3/one_of_the_most_wonderful_things_in_life_is_to/
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A Pirate, Rabbi, Ninja, and Giraffe walk into a bar together.

The bartender looks at all of them and asks out loud, "What is this? A joke?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wtxf9/a_pirate_rabbi_ninja_and_giraffe_walk_into_a_bar/
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According to my fortune cookie I am getting a dolphin!

It said my life will have a purpose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wttmq/according_to_my_fortune_cookie_i_am_getting_a/
%
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.
¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wtsuf/the_only_two_white_actors_in_black_panther_are/
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I have 3 eyes, 5 legs and 6 arms, what am I ?

A liar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wtrhd/i_have_3_eyes_5_legs_and_6_arms_what_am_i/
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My wife ask me to stop singing Wonderwall by Oasis

I say maybe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wtqw5/my_wife_ask_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall_by_oasis/
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I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.

She's made of auntie matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wtqvy/i_cant_touch_my_aunt_or_i_will_explode/
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My grandfather died because the report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was as Type-O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wtn0f/my_grandfather_died_because_the_report_said_he/
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A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wtla5/a_lady_walks_into_a_pet_store/
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Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell somebody else that he's a vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wtju0/why_did_the_vegan_cross_the_road/
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WHAT DID A ELEPHANT SAY TO A NAKED MAN?

How TF you breathe through that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wtfiv/what_did_a_elephant_say_to_a_naked_man/
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If you upvote this post, later this week money will enter into your life.

I call it a praycheck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wtbet/if_you_upvote_this_post_later_this_week_money/
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How did the sperm cross the road?

I put the wrong sock on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wt9wt/how_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...

He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"
The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".
Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"
...
...
"It's horrible."
"Agree."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wt6e5/ancient_rome_conquered_many_lands_the_leader_of/
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How did the British prevent war with the Germans in 1938?

They wrote them a Czech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wt2jp/how_did_the_british_prevent_war_with_the_germans/
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging from your living room wall?

Art.
What if he also had no tongue?
Tasteless art.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wt2d8/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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A dog who tells the funniest joke in the world

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog in the corner with a jar for tips in front of him. He asks the bartender what it’s all about. The bartender explains that if you tip the dog $5, he’ll tell the funniest joke in the world. The guy doesn’t believe him, and sits at the bar as person after person tip the dog $5, only to have the dog bark at them. The dog goes on barking all night, and by this time he’s accumulated several hundred dollars. It’s late, and the patron is drunk and annoyed, so he accosts the bartender. “This is some scam you’ve got going here, that dog’s making hundreds of dollars and hasn’t told a single joke!” The bartender is insulted. “Like hell he hasn’t! He’s a dog for Christ’s sake, did you expect him to tell it in English?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wt1il/a_dog_who_tells_the_funniest_joke_in_the_world/
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A man goes to a costume party without a shirt on

. The host walks up to him and asks:
"Hey, buddy. You know this is a costume party, right? You can't just walk in here wearing nothing but pants."
"I AM in costume, though," The man replied, "I'm a premature ejaculation."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I just came in my pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wt1hy/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party_without_a_shirt_on/
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What noise does a plane make when it hits the ground?

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wsyna/what_noise_does_a_plane_make_when_it_hits_the/
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Wife: If women ruled the world there would be no wars.

Husband: That is true - wars require strategy and logic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wsxso/wife_if_women_ruled_the_world_there_would_be_no/
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A cowboy comes into a bar just a-whoopin' and a-hollerin'

Cowboy: "Line me up four shots of whisky".
Barkeep: "What are you celebrating?".
Cowboy: "My first blowjob".
Barkeep: "Hell, have another shot on the house".
Cowboy: "Well, if four shots don't get this awful taste out of my mouth, I'm not sure five will either".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wsrrc/a_cowboy_comes_into_a_bar_just_awhoopin_and/
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What's the best way to help your girlfriend quit smoking?

Slow down and use some lube.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wsosy/whats_the_best_way_to_help_your_girlfriend_quit/
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Zoology Tip

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wsmmw/zoology_tip/
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What's the best way to surprise your girlfriend during sex?

Give her a call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wsfpr/whats_the_best_way_to_surprise_your_girlfriend/
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Gravity gets me down sometimes.

But at least it keeps me grounded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wsfdo/gravity_gets_me_down_sometimes/
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Three Legged Pig

A traveller one day spotted a three-legged pig standing near a farmhouse. The traveller went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me, but how is it that pig only has 3 legs?"
"Well," said the farmer, "that pig is very special. Very special. While back my wife was cooking something and she stepped out of the kitchen, and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig, and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids!"
"That's amazing!" said the traveller.
"And then there was that time," the farmer went on, "the pig saw a big storm coming, and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead for sure! He is a special pig."
"OK," said the traveller, "Amazing. But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs."
"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special... wouldn't be right to just eat him in one go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wsdku/three_legged_pig/
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The worst thing about being a profession skier...

...is that your career can only go downhill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wscr6/the_worst_thing_about_being_a_profession_skier/
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Insanity defined

The definition of insanity is when you’re cheating at solitaire and a fight breaks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ws7x9/insanity_defined/
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"Some foods give me sleepless nights," I told my wife.

"Like what?" she asked.
"Brussels Sprouts."
"But you don't eat Brussels Sprouts."
"No," I said, "but you do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ws7re/some_foods_give_me_sleepless_nights_i_told_my_wife/
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A conceited man

And a conceited woman were having sex.  The conceited woman said "Aren't I tight?"
Conceited man said," Nope, just full,"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ws77v/a_conceited_man/
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Apple that tastes like a banana

An inventor goes to the Patents Office to demonstrate his new invention.
"It's an apple that tastes like a banana," he explains. "Try it!"
The official bites into the apple. "My god!" he exclaims, "that's brilliant. It tastes just like a banana!"
"Turn it round," says the inventor.
So the official turns the apple around and takes a bite from the other side.
"Wow!" the official says, "it tastes just like an orange!"
"Glad you like it," says the inventor.
"Like it? I love it!" says the official."But you know what would be really good? An apple that tastes like pussy. If you can do that, you'll sell millions!"
So the inventor takes the idea away with him. Several months pass, and one day the inventor returns to the Patents Office.
"I've done it!" he says, "here it is. An apple that tastes like pussy. Try it!"
The official takes a bite, and immediately spits it out. "That tastes like fucking shit!" he says.
"Turn it round!" says the inventor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ws5n7/apple_that_tastes_like_a_banana/
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Message from Europe

European: If your house is burning, should firefighters help you?
American: Yes of course. That is logical. And im willing to pay tax for it.
European: If you get robbed, should the police help you?
American: Yes of course. That is logical. And im willing to pay tax for it.
European: If you get hurt, should doctors help you?
American: Absolutely not! We dont want socialist propaganda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ws5lu/message_from_europe/
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Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies when we're having sex, over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ws3w8/girl_come_over/
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Two clowns are eating a cannibal

One turns to the other and says "I think we messed up the joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ws3gy/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
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2 bananas are sunbathing by the side of a river...

Along comes this turd floating down the river.
The turd shouts out to the 2 bananas and says, "Hey guys, you should jump in, it's nice and warm!"
One banana turns to the other and says, "Do you believe that shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ws1um/2_bananas_are_sunbathing_by_the_side_of_a_river/
%
I was taking a jog around the pond one morning...

When I saw a woman in a wheelchair crying.. I asked.. why are you crying?
She said, " I've never been hugged in my life"
I said no problem I gave her a hug and was on my way.
On the second lap, I saw her crying again.. I asked.. why are you still crying??
She said, " I've never been kissed in my life"
I said no problem, gave her a peck and went on my way.
On my third lap I saw her crying again.. so I asked what happened now?
She said, " I've never been fucked in my life"
I said no problem.. and threw her in the pond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ws14d/i_was_taking_a_jog_around_the_pond_one_morning/
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My penis was in the guinness book of world records

...until I got kicked out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ws0qq/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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What happened when the SpaceX guy got a penis enlargement?

It was Elon-gated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ws03q/what_happened_when_the_spacex_guy_got_a_penis/
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The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, but was very stingy.
Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
"Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
Her friend said,
"Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with
your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket
with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account, and wrote him a check... . If he can cash it, then he can spend
it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wrxqk/the_obedient_wife/
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player, and she broke my heart...

It was like love meant nothing to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wrxgd/my_first_girlfriend_was_a_tennis_player_and_she/
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it,

A hipster already has it on Vinyl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wrxbi/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_forest_and_no_one_is/
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What do you call an Avogadro's number of buttocks?

Molasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wro51/what_do_you_call_an_avogadros_number_of_buttocks/
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Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wrmn1/dad_why_is_my_sister_named_teresa/
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Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wrl41/doctor_well_it_looks_like_youre_pregnant/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot...

It got that bad in the end, I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wrgg4/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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If i had a dollar for every joke on this subreddit....

I'd have 14$ and a shit ton of photo copied money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wre27/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_joke_on_this_subreddit/
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By all means shoot for the stars

Just aim for their bodyguards first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wrd6s/by_all_means_shoot_for_the_stars/
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I saved a life today!

I asked a homeless man what would happen if I gave him a million dollars.
He said he'd  be so happy he'd die.
So I kept my money and saved his life.
No need to thank me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wrcsr/i_saved_a_life_today/
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What is a 71?

It's a 69 with 2 perverts watching!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wrc6w/what_is_a_71/
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How many elephants can you fit in a Mini Cooper?

Four: two in the front, two in the back.
How many giraffes can you fit in a Mini Cooper? None, 'cause there's already all those elephants in there.
How do you get to Wales (two whales) in a Mini Cooper? Same way you get to Wales in any other car; you get on the M4 and you go across the Severn Bridge.
How do you know that there's an elephant in your refrigerator? You can see the footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there are two elephant in your refrigerator? You can hear them giggle when the light goes out.
How do you if there are three elephants in your refrigerator? Beause you can't quite get the door closed.
How do you know if there are four elephants in your refrigerator? Because there is a Mini Cooper parked outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wras3/how_many_elephants_can_you_fit_in_a_mini_cooper/
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Well, well, well.

Look at this giant hole in the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wr6l4/well_well_well/
%
I have been weighing the pros and cons about reading poetry to prisoners.

Pros: prose
Cons: cons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wr3c2/i_have_been_weighing_the_pros_and_cons_about/
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Since it started raining my girlfriend won’t stop looking through the stupid window.

If it gets any worse I might have to let the cunt in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wr092/since_it_started_raining_my_girlfriend_wont_stop/
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Teach a man to joke and he’ll be funny for a lifetime,

tell a man a joke and he’ll repost it every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wqz7u/teach_a_man_to_joke_and_hell_be_funny_for_a/
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A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, “Hey man, what are you supposed to be?”
He replies, “Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle.”
His friends respond, “A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who’s that woman on your back?”
The man replies, “Oh that’s just Michelle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wqvwv/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party_wearing_nothing_but/
%
A classic

Judge "I see by your filing sir that you are suing the defendant for damages and injuries received when his cattle truck ran a red light and broadsided your car, now the damages I can understand but the defendant has provided a police report that says you claimed to be uninjured at the scene, why are you now claiming you broke both your legs and your right arm in the accident?"
"Well, long story your honor, I was driving along when WHAM my car goes flying, the next ting I remember is waking up in a field being tended to by bystanders, I looked around and there are two horses laying nearby also being tended to, suddenly this big sheriffs department SUV speeds up and out steps this big ole deputy, over 6 foot of rawhide and gristle, wearing this monster colt revolver on his hip."
He walks over to the first horse, looks down and asks the girl tending it "whuts the matter with him, mam?"
She tells him "I'm afraid its rear leg is broken."
The deputy shrugged, pulled that big revolver, thumbed back the hammer and BOOM, puts a bullet in that poor horses head.
He then walks over to the other horse and asks the same question.
The boy tending it replies "both its forelegs are broke."
He thumbs back that hammer again and BOOM, blows that horses head off.
The deputy then walked over to me, that big colt still smoking in his hand, looks down at me and asks "Whuts wrong with yew, boy?"
I looked him right in the eye, your honor, and said "Not a GODDAMN thing, officer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wqmxi/a_classic/
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When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings

You know she's a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wqm7m/when_your_girlfriend_comes_home_in_a_white_suit/
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A boy in Russia asks his Grandpa...

Grandpa?” asked a little boy, “Is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Plant?”
“Yes, it’s true,” said the grandpa, and patted his grandson’s head.
“Is it also true that no one was harmed and there were no consequences whatsoever?”
“Yes, it’s true,” said the grandpa, and patted the grandson’s second head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wql9s/a_boy_in_russia_asks_his_grandpa/
%
What do you call new car smell in a Tesla?

Elon's Musk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wqjrv/what_do_you_call_new_car_smell_in_a_tesla/
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When I get naked

The only thing that gets turned on is the shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wqff6/when_i_get_naked/
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

Art

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wqeww/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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Four friends were so well prepared for the finals that the weekend before finals,

they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there.
They had a great time.
However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to College until early
Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to an Old age home in the nearest town to spend some time with aged people for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.
As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points.
It was the easiest question in their entire syllabus.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room.
"This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wqdyx/four_friends_were_so_well_prepared_for_the_finals/
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Just got off a 20 hour flight

It was really Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wqbj8/just_got_off_a_20_hour_flight/
%
Jokes about unemployed people are not funny.

They just don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wqajo/jokes_about_unemployed_people_are_not_funny/
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3 old friends meet up after a long time

After a couple of drinks, one of them goes to the toilet. The other two start talking about their kids.
The first one says: I'm so proud of my son, after he finished school he started as a janitor in a large com-pany. After that he got promoted to manager and now he is the CEO of the company and makes hundreds of thousands dollars a year. Last year, he even gave a friend a brand new Rolls Royce for his birthday.
Thats not bad, says the second one. My son started as a pilot, but after a few years he became one of the owners of the airline. The company is now worth more than a billion dollars, and he earns millions a year. Last year, he even gave a friend a brand new private jet for his birthday.
While they continue talking about their kids, the third one comes back. The other two ask him about his kids. Well, says the third man, my son is still working as a dancer in a gay bar. Oh, say the other men. He is probably not earning that much by doing that. Aren't you a little disappointed by that? No, not at all says the third man. He is still my son and I still love him for who he is. Besides, he might not earn that much, but last year he got a Rolls-Royce and a private jet from his best customers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wqaeb/3_old_friends_meet_up_after_a_long_time/
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How come when someone donates a kidney, they get called a hero

But when I go ahead and donate five, I get arrested?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wq4x5/how_come_when_someone_donates_a_kidney_they_get/
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You shouldn't run with bag pipes.

You could put an eye out, or get kilt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wq07q/you_shouldnt_run_with_bag_pipes/
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Using the letters P S N I E... name a part of the human body that works best when erect.

If you answered "SPINE" You are  correct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wpzjr/using_the_letters_p_s_n_i_e_name_a_part_of_the/
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Studies have shown that half of the people in this country are slowly going crazy.

The rest of us are doing it quicker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wpxht/studies_have_shown_that_half_of_the_people_in/
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Why didn’t Pence attend the biathlon?

He opposed all the biathletes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wpn0i/why_didnt_pence_attend_the_biathlon/
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Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wpika/why_does_a_milking_stool_have_only_3_legs/
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Michael, do you think I’m a bad Mother?

Mom, my name is Steve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wpgz2/michael_do_you_think_im_a_bad_mother/
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I’m friends with about 25 letters of the alphabet

I don’t know Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wpepm/im_friends_with_about_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
Did anyone hear that Sting went missing?

Right now The Police have no leads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wpe6w/did_anyone_hear_that_sting_went_missing/
%
I think my babe is an astronaut

She said she needs space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wpe2w/i_think_my_babe_is_an_astronaut/
%
Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.

The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.
The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then Tommy comes back complaining that the medicine has had no effect. The doctor suggests taking a body scan. The scan reveals that instead of a few tiny tapeworms, there is this one big long tapeworm residing inside his intestine.
The doctor, after pondering on the issue , tells Tommy that he has thought of an effective way of dealing with this worm. The doc asks him to get a slice of pizza , a roll and a cookie on the next day.
On the next day, as soon as Tommy arrives , the doctor tells him to pull his pants and undies down and lie down on his tummy. Tommy resents , but the doctor assures him that this is a well thought of cure and is completely safe. He then proceeds to push the slice of pizza , the roll and then the cookie into Tommy's butthole.
The doctor then tells Tommy to get the same items tomorrow.
This same routine continues for 6 months ; the doc pushes a slice of pizza , a roll and a cookie into Tommy's anus in the exact same order.
Then one fine day , the doc asks Tommy to get a slice of pizza , a roll and a hammer for the next session.
Next day :
The doc pushes in the slice. Then he pushes in the roll. Then they wait. 5 minutes pass. Nothing happens. 5 minutes later. Nothing happens yet.
And then suddenly the worm comes out and shouts "**WHERE'S MY DAMN COOKIE?**"
**WHACK-A-WORM!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wpd5e/tommy_goes_to_the_doctor_complaining_about/
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"I wasn't going to confess my predilection for smoking weed and jerking off in the shower but...

...it is high time i come clean"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wpcyc/i_wasnt_going_to_confess_my_predilection_for/
%
The best thing about being tall and having a bald patch...

Is that people think you're just tall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wpabh/the_best_thing_about_being_tall_and_having_a_bald/
%
How to avoid clickbait

You fell for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wpa1s/how_to_avoid_clickbait/
%
What’s the highest form of flattery?

Plateaus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wp8v0/whats_the_highest_form_of_flattery/
%
Wife is calling her husband on the cell phone

W: Honey, please drive carefully. TV news just said some crazy manic is driving on the wrong side of the highway
H: ONE??!!! THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF THEM!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wp8te/wife_is_calling_her_husband_on_the_cell_phone/
%
Why does Loki buy cough drops?

He doesn’t want to get a Thor throat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wp81m/why_does_loki_buy_cough_drops/
%
A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.
"Don't you mean Polio?"
"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."
Not wanting to ruin the mood the girlfriend pulled down his pants and revealed a severely discoloured pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles " the man replied.
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
Again, not wanting to ruin the mood, she continued and pulled down his boxers before starting to laugh. Before the man could ask what was wrong the woman wiped a tear from her eye and said, "Wait, let me guess.....Smallcox?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wp7wo/a_man_and_his_girlfriend_are_getting_undressed/
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wp727/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door..

He opens the door to see a snail on the porch.
Thinking *”what the hell..?”* He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three months later, there’s a knock on the door and sees that same snail...
The snail says: *”What the hell was that all about?!”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wp6sm/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_at/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

with his pet monkey.  He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. The monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender starts screaming at the guy, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball of my pool table - whole!” “Sorry”, replied the man, “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.” The man finishes his brink, pays, and leaves. Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs the cherry, stickers it up his ass, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asked. “Yeah”, replies the man. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed the cue ball, he measures stuff first.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wp6jr/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why do pacifist jokes suck?

They have no punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wp5a7/why_do_pacifist_jokes_suck/
%
I have really bad memory

I'm never buying computer parts from Walmart again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wp2x1/i_have_really_bad_memory/
%
Missionaries went to Jewish family's house, knocked on the door and asked: "Did you read the Bible?"

The reply was: "We wrote it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wp0vh/missionaries_went_to_jewish_familys_house_knocked/
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The more I think about it, maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so upset..

If people stopped leaving him hanging for high-fives all the time..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wp0jf/the_more_i_think_about_it_maybe_hitler_wouldnt/
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The bigger your shoes the bigger your dick, the bigger your car the smaller your dick.

No wonder people are scared of clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wow3f/the_bigger_your_shoes_the_bigger_your_dick_the/
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What do you call a chicken doctor?

A chicken tender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wovdw/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_doctor/
%
There was a king.

He was having a problem with barbarians in his kingdom, so he began sending guards to patrol the roads at night.
One of his nobles sent some of his city guard to help with the efforts, and a fool to keep the king's mood up.
The king was polite, but full of pride, so he sent the guards back with the message, "I have plenty of guards of my own, but I appreciate the jester."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wov0d/there_was_a_king/
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Why can’t Helen Keller drive?

She’s dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7worhi/why_cant_helen_keller_drive/
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What do you get when you mix a gullible and optimistic person?

Read it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wop2w/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_gullible_and/
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What do you call a cow with epilepsy?

Milk shake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wonf8/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_epilepsy/
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Did you hear than Hellen Keller is the 13th most influential person of all time.

Neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7woltt/did_you_hear_than_hellen_keller_is_the_13th_most/
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It took Gandhi over a month to cross the Alps barefoot, no washing, worn out, and survived only on garlic. He was a...

Super-calloused fragile mystic, extra halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7woidt/it_took_gandhi_over_a_month_to_cross_the_alps/
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A scholarly Man is Interviewing a Pirate

The scholarly man asks the pirate "You have been far and wide around the sea but, what is your greatest Regret?" The Pirate looks at him and replies "I was a wee lad It was me first adventure as a Captain, after travelling for many nights and days I had found the treasure A Lamp that contained a genie so I rubbed the lamp and out the of the lamp a Massive muscular genie appeared he was so large and I was so startled I couldn't help but utter Fuck me in the arse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7woh8v/a_scholarly_man_is_interviewing_a_pirate/
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What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I’ve never had a garbanzo on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7woh8g/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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[Nsfw] Four nuns go on a crazy girl's night out

The next day, they all go to confess their sins. The first nun confesses, "Father, I saw a naked man last night." The priest replies, "Go wash your eyes with the holy water". She walks out to do so. The 2nd nun says, "Father, I have a man a handjob". The priest replies,"Go wash your hands in the holy water". She follows her sister out. At that point, the fourth nun starts walking out after them as well. The priest asks, "Where do you go, my child?" She points to the third nun and says "Father, I just wish to wash my mouth in the holy water before she washes her ass in it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wo5im/nsfw_four_nuns_go_on_a_crazy_girls_night_out/
%
A kid is loudly praying, "God please give me a box of Chocolate."

Kid's mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing." The boy replies, "yes but grandma is...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wo3tl/a_kid_is_loudly_praying_god_please_give_me_a_box/
%
If you're a Russian when you go to the bathroom and you're a Finnish when you come out. What are you when you're inside the bathroom?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wo11a/if_youre_a_russian_when_you_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
Rosa Parks

But does she drive?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wnyhq/rosa_parks/
%
What is a redditor's favorite sandwich?

A sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wnvrp/what_is_a_redditors_favorite_sandwich/
%
Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lac-toes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wnqmk/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
%
A man comes home from a hard day's work at the local morgue...

He says to his wife, "You'll never guess what I saw at work today, honey! Some dude just laying on the slab there. Guy had a fucking 12-inch cock, and it was thick as a beer can. Holy shit!"
His wife bursts into tears. "Oh my God! Fred's dead!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wnq28/a_man_comes_home_from_a_hard_days_work_at_the/
%
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a super hero and Iron Woman is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wnkmm/what_is_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
Breast or legs?

She asked me if I was into breasts or legs
I said I preferred anal sex
Guess that was the wrong thing to say when we were in KFC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wnkha/breast_or_legs/
%
A Mexican magician told the audience he’ll disappear on the count of three.

“Uno... dos... * poof *
He disappeared without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wnhzs/a_mexican_magician_told_the_audience_hell/
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There was a woman who went out of town for the weekend. When she came back, she notified two condoms were missing.

She asked her boyfriend about it, and he said he used them to masturbate.
“Really?”  The girlfriend asked. “You use condoms to masturbate?”
“Oh yeah,” he said. “Lots of guys do it.”
The next day at work she was eating lunch with a male coworker.
“Can I ask you something,” she said. “I was gone this weekend and I noticed two condoms were missing. My boyfriend said he used them to masturbate. Have you ever done that?”
“Oh yeah,” the coworker said, “all the time.”
“Really? You’ve used condoms to masturbate?” The girl asked.
“Ohhhh,” said the coworker, “ I thought you were asking if I’ve ever lied to my girlfriend.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wnhkj/there_was_a_woman_who_went_out_of_town_for_the/
%
Statistics show that 47% of people are pedantic.

Well, 46.8%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wnbks/statistics_show_that_47_of_people_are_pedantic/
%
My sex-ed teacher lied to me

They said I would have sex when I was older

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wn6qx/my_sexed_teacher_lied_to_me/
%
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wn592/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
%
Quitting smoking is easy

I’ve done it over 15 times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wn4o7/quitting_smoking_is_easy/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wn4al/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Give a man a jacket and he will never be cold.

Teach a man to jack it and he will never leave the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmuie/give_a_man_a_jacket_and_he_will_never_be_cold/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me so I started dating her twin sister

I'm not left handed but i'll have to make do until the doctor removes the cast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmtvo/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_so_i_started/
%
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmr1q/i_buy_all_my_guns_from_a_guy_called_trex/
%
I'm colorblind when it comes to race

I guess you could say I don't know White from Wong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmqri/im_colorblind_when_it_comes_to_race/
%
Your last spring break?

Three students are sitting in an apartment.
One of them asks: "Where did you spend your last spring break?"
Another replies: "I was in Monaco, partying with the biggest hotties in the world.".
The first one then tells him: "I was gambling in Las Vegas, and I won over 5 million bucks.".
The third student then replies: "And I was in the same shithole as both of you, but I didn't smoke that stuff!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmo1f/your_last_spring_break/
%
I need some help finding a playful hunting dog with a short white coat.

Any Pointers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmnit/i_need_some_help_finding_a_playful_hunting_dog/
%
I used to be a hand model

But then I couldn't get enough hand jobs
\- Craig Ferguson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmkxj/i_used_to_be_a_hand_model/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

...and a chair...and a guy...and a table...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmkuh/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination

HAAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmjt4/what_is_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
%
My girlfriend just broke up with me..

so now I'm alone with just my wife and 2 children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmjcs/my_girlfriend_just_broke_up_with_me/
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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea

A salad shooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmixb/what_do_you_call_a_vegetarian_with_diarrhea/
%
Grammar lesson

Two people were camping in a campground. The first says, "I think I'll go for a run." The second replies, "Don't you mean 'ran,' since it's past tents?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmino/grammar_lesson/
%
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are riding a train in Scottland

Suddenly, they spot a black sheep in the field.
The engineer says, "See! All sheep in Scottland are black!"
The physicist exclaims, "No! Some sheep in Scottland are black!"
The mathematician, disgusted, says, "No! In Scottland, there exists at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black, when seen from a running train!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmht7/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_mathematician_are/
%
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yo momma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmgjs/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_3_legs/
%
What's the difference between a piano and a fish?

You can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wmc2w/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_and_a_fish/
%
My girlfriend said to me the other day....

"Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing!?"
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wm7fi/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_the_other_day/
%
My doctor told me to cut down on my sodium intake.

Ive been taking his advice with a grain of salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wm250/my_doctor_told_me_to_cut_down_on_my_sodium_intake/
%
The American dream:

To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$
My dad told me this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wm0uk/the_american_dream/
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Marriage Problems

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wlxsh/marriage_problems/
%
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wlwbt/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.

It's something I can see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wlvtv/i_think_i_want_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
%
Man goes to the ER badly beaten ......

with a golf club wrapped around his neck. The doctor says “what the hell happened to you?” The guys says well I was you golfing with my wife. When she drove the golf ball out of sight over a hill. When we came over the hill there was a cow grazing slowly but no golf ball. We looked everywhere for it. Finally I lifted the cows tail and saw a golf ball with my wife’s marking there. So I shouted “hey honey this one looks like yours”....... That’s the last I remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wlsue/man_goes_to_the_er_badly_beaten/
%
How do you tell if a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

There are M&M shells all over the kitchen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wls4o/how_do_you_tell_if_a_blonde_has_been_making/
%
Don't live backwards:

It's evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wlo1m/dont_live_backwards/
%
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a ginger stuck on a desert

The three friends have been stuck in the desert for days. They have finished their last drink of water. They come across a genie in a bottle.
The genie says he will grant them one wish each.
The brunette is excited and says "I wish to be home with my family"
Next comes the ginger's wish
The ginger repeats those words. "I wish to be home with my family"
Finally it is the blonde's wish.
She groans and says "I wish my friends could be with me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wlkj9/there_was_a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_ginger_stuck/
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What do you call a chance to try a fishy broth at a classy musical event?

An opera-tuna-tea.
My ears are still ringing from my wife’s groan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wlkhd/what_do_you_call_a_chance_to_try_a_fishy_broth_at/
%
Sweet dreams are made of cheese...

Who am I to diss a brie?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wlj2w/sweet_dreams_are_made_of_cheese/
%
I just invented a new word!

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wlhoq/i_just_invented_a_new_word/
%
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wlfuv/i_hope_elon_musk_never_gets_involved_in_a_scandal/
%
Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wl9gk/apparently_29_of_pet_owners_let_their_pet_sleep/
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A man goes to a library to ask for a book on suicide

.
The librarian says “fuck off, you won’t bring it back!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wl8kk/a_man_goes_to_a_library_to_ask_for_a_book_on/
%
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

...dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wl5nh/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_swam_into_a_wall/
%
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.
"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wky2t/i_was_a_new_army_basic_trainee_at_fort_mcclellan/
%
Why will button controlled remotes always be better than voice command?

It goes without saying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wkxce/why_will_button_controlled_remotes_always_be/
%
Why couldn't Elon Musk enter his house?

Because his door was locked and he left the keys in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wku9x/why_couldnt_elon_musk_enter_his_house/
%
I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"
Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.
"Gold of course!" I said proudly.
She retorted, "Really?!  Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wkscg/i_was_out_shopping_tonight_when_i_saw_a_new_brand/
%
A depressed shirt falls into a puddle.

"I guess I'll go hang myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wks87/a_depressed_shirt_falls_into_a_puddle/
%
The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons

“What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?
Answer: A key.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wkrea/the_oldest_british_joke_dates_back_to_the_10th/
%
An UBER passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an UBER driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wkqu5/an_uber_passenger_tapped_the_driver_on_the/
%
What is the definition of a mixed feeling?

Watching your mother-in-law roll off a cliff in your new car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wkqht/what_is_the_definition_of_a_mixed_feeling/
%
Where are Muslims going to pray when they go to Mars?

Elon's Mosque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wkp5c/where_are_muslims_going_to_pray_when_they_go_to/
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A woman was tired of using condoms, but didn't want to get pregnant either.

So, she came up with a plan to keep her boyfriend from climaxing inside her. After a date, her and her boyfriend began to make out which leads to sex. When she could tell her boyfriend was close to orgasm she asked, "What are we going to name the baby?" Her panicked boyfriend stopped immediately, threw on his clothes, and left. Their next sexual encounter she does the same thing and gets the same results. They began to have sex for a third time and the boyfriend walks over, turns off the light, and slips a condom on. As he comes close to coming, the girlfriend asks,"What are we going to name the baby?" This time the boyfriend doesn't stop. The woman panics and says louder, "What are we going to name the baby?" Boyfriend keeps going. Finally, when they have finished, she turns to her boyfriend and asks, "Okay smartass, what are we going to name the baby?" He takes the condom off, ties it in a knot, and says, "I'm going to call the bastard Houdini if he gets out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wknms/a_woman_was_tired_of_using_condoms_but_didnt_want/
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There was a man in Romania who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Romania who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Romanian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wkkt3/there_was_a_man_in_romania_who_drove_a_train_for/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong socks today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wkgo0/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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Last year I was miserable and depressed. This year I decided to make a change and turn things around.

Now I'm depressed and miserable :'(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wkc7x/last_year_i_was_miserable_and_depressed_this_year/
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How do you make antifreeze?

You take away her blanket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wkc5c/how_do_you_make_antifreeze/
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How do you move a computer file?

Bit-by-bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wkaly/how_do_you_move_a_computer_file/
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Whats the difference between Batman and a Blackman

Batman can walk into a gas station without robin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wk968/whats_the_difference_between_batman_and_a_blackman/
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I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist,

but I couldn't find an opening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wk8rz/i_wanted_to_get_a_job_as_a_gynecologist/
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F___ the Indians!!

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F___ the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wk805/f_the_indians/
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The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him.       The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wk6vk/the_doctor_gave_me_4_months_to_live/
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A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary...

.. and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wk5bk/a_man_whod_just_died_is_delivered_to_a_local/
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Bill's mom and dad want to have their own private time...

Bill's mom and dad want to have sex but their son is always around.They come up with an idea and ask Bill to go to balcony and report everything happening in the neighborhood.
They start to have sex while Bill reports.
"Miss Humphrey is going to office."
"Daniel is working at his garden."
"and umm..Mr.Bob is painting his window."
"Dave's mom and dad are having sex."
Bill's mom and dad stop right away and his dad asks from the bedroom,"How do you know that?"
Bill says,"Dave is on the balcony."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wk4md/bills_mom_and_dad_want_to_have_their_own_private/
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John Cena woke up from a coma

John Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: ICU
John Cena: No you don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wk0af/john_cena_woke_up_from_a_coma/
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My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wjxnu/my_girlfriend_and_i_broke_up_today/
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A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says,

“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it's finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He then takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then,” ... he said with a deep sigh............
“Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wjs7x/a_blonde_calls_her_boyfriend_and_says/
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Wife: I have blisters on my hands from the broom.

Husband: Next time take the car, silly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wjrqv/wife_i_have_blisters_on_my_hands_from_the_broom/
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How did Mario talk to his brother after he died?

He used a Luigi board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wjq5v/how_did_mario_talk_to_his_brother_after_he_died/
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What is Beethoven's favourite fruit?

Banananaaaaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wjkkh/what_is_beethovens_favourite_fruit/
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What language does a Southerner use to communicate with a Mexican?

Espan-*ya'll*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wjho5/what_language_does_a_southerner_use_to/
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Always choose a girl for her personality

They have 20 so you can choose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wjh7s/always_choose_a_girl_for_her_personality/
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A Royal Job Interview

Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.
They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.
She says to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen."
After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”
Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”
Nine years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other:
”I reckon, if we just had a bit more education we would have got that job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wj9ic/a_royal_job_interview/
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[NSFW] I check the date on everything I eat.

I don't want to go back to prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wj8xi/nsfw_i_check_the_date_on_everything_i_eat/
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Did you hear that the IKEA founder died?

They had trouble putting the casket together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wj8qw/did_you_hear_that_the_ikea_founder_died/
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You know how you know your girlfriend's getting too fat?

When she starts to fit into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wj3rz/you_know_how_you_know_your_girlfriends_getting/
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An Italian Boy’s Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wj381/an_italian_boys_confession/
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Two fish are in a tank

One turns to the other and says "you mount the gun, i'll drive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wj2ej/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?

Nail its other hand down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wiwcf/how_do_you_get_a_baby_to_stop_crawling_in_circles/
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I'm not a big fan of political jokes.

I've seen way too many get elected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wiq5s/im_not_a_big_fan_of_political_jokes/
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What do you call a vampire goblin?

A hemogoblin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wiq4u/what_do_you_call_a_vampire_goblin/
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How do you know if you’re talking with an extroverted engineer?

He looks at YOUR shoes when he talks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wipom/how_do_you_know_if_youre_talking_with_an/
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What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

A visit from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7winra/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cow_with_an/
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What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, never has 5 letters...

And always has 6 letters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7winfv/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_has_9_letters_never/
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If somebody who speaks three languages is trilingual, and somebody who speaks two languages is bilingual, what do you call somebody who speaks only one language?

American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wimq6/if_somebody_who_speaks_three_languages_is/
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What happened when the cow jumped over the moon?

Udder destruction.
I'm sorry, I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wilr6/what_happened_when_the_cow_jumped_over_the_moon/
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[OC] So a Comcast technician asks a woman on a date

Surprisingly, she says yes. He says "Great! Be at your house on Tuesday and I'll pick you up anywhere from 11am to 6pm." - Inspired by my recent internet installation experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wihmb/oc_so_a_comcast_technician_asks_a_woman_on_a_date/
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What do you call it when your cat can't move?

Purralysis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wifmo/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_cat_cant_move/
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Who won the race?

The lettuce, the tomato or the faucet?
The lettuce was a head, the faucet was still running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7widgd/who_won_the_race/
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Why is there so many old people in church?

Cramming for the final

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wicf0/why_is_there_so_many_old_people_in_church/
%
No matter how kind you are

German children will always be kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wia05/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
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A travelin' salesman...

...stops one night at a lonely, secluded farm, and asks the owners if they can host him for the night. the farmer is really sorry, but he has no free rooms. "I could make you sleep with my daughter" says the farmer, "but you have to promise me not to bother her". The salesman accepts. After a filling dinner, he's been brought to his room. In the darkness he change is clothes for the pajama, slip into the bed, and feels the farmer's daughter in the bed beside him. The morning after he ask for the bill. "It's 10 bucks because you shared the bed with my daughter", says the farmer. "I must admit, your daughter was quite cold last night", the seller complains. "Yeah, I know" says the farmer, "we are going to bury her in the afternoon".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wi8rx/a_travelin_salesman/
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There existed a small nation with a peculiar practice..

There existed a small nation with a peculiar practice. The people of each town chose their mayor by magically imbuing life into inanimate objects and letting the sentient objects dispense laws. Often the objects they chose and the way those objects acted reflected the spirit of the villagers that created it. The wealthy village in the north was represented by a big diamond that spoke with a posh accent and tended to be a bit disconnected from the working class. Meanwhile, a friendly wholesome community in the west was ruled over by a blueberry muffin that was determined to instill strong morals in its village and always spoke kindly of those it met.
In the south there was a rural, backwater village that was unhappy with its mayor: a wooden 2x4 that spoke with an embarrassing hillbilly accent. His speeches were excruciatingly slow and drawn-out. The townspeople implored him to speak with a bit more distinction, but the old 2x4 always fell back into his lazy old tongue. Though the community built around the mayor did indeed reflect its values well enough, they thought they deserved better. They spent years trying out different objects to varying degrees of success--a haughty but untrustworthy umbrella; a bashful stapler that couldn't quite get the hang of being a government official. The people of the village tried and tried but always found that the new inanimate-object-turned-mayors they created were never any better than the original.
Eventually they gave up, saying, "Well, back to the old drawling board."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wi8mp/there_existed_a_small_nation_with_a_peculiar/
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What's the best part about having a hooker die on you?

The second hour is free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wi84x/whats_the_best_part_about_having_a_hooker_die_on/
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Which country brought the most competitors to the 2018 Winter Olympics?

Brazil.  They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wi7l5/which_country_brought_the_most_competitors_to_the/
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What do you do when you see your mother in law standing in front of your house?

Reload and try again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wi7jt/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_your_mother_in_law/
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There was a princess

who came of age, so her parents the King and Queen called for all princes to come and court her.
Day after day, each suitor came by, telling the princess what they would give her and why she should marry them. This went on for a few weeks, and the princess remained unsatisfied.
Suddenly, one day, in walked a suitor. He was Prince Franz, one of the richest princes of the world. He bowed before the princess and said, "my dearest, if thy shall marry me, I will grant thee all the finest dresses and jewellery, more sapphires and diamonds than one could imagine." The princess was convinced, and was ready to choose Prince Franz.
But suddenly, another prince entered. This was Prince Henrik, an even more rich prince. He bowed before the princess and said, "Your Highness, if thy will marry me, I promise the greatest feasts each night, from the finest wild turkeys to the greatest bison, with the sweetest wine ever imaginable. Every taste from every corner of the world will be at thy dispense." The princess was now convinced, and was ready to make her decision.
Until a third suitor arrived. This was Prince Gustav, the richest prince in the entire world. The guards gasped in shock when he arrived. Even the King and Queen looked startled. Gustav walked right up to the princess on her throne, bowed, and said, "I will fuck you in the ass and make you moan louder than you've ever moaned before." Everyone stood shocked. But they became even more shocked when the princess thought about it, and chose Gustav.
The Royal Family planned an elaborate wedding, inviting all the other Royal Families. It was a beautiful ceremony, which finally led to the princess and Gustav's first night together. Gustav made good on his promise, as he indeed fucked her in the ass and made her moan louder than she ever moaned before.
As both of them finished, the princess turned around to see Gustav climbing out the window. "Where are you going?" asked the princess.
Gustav turned back, chuckled and said, "who the fuck said I was going to do anything else?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wi78i/there_was_a_princess/
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That music store downtown called Hot Jazz in Your Face closed

People just stopped coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wi6j6/that_music_store_downtown_called_hot_jazz_in_your/
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Construction fun

How can you tell if a house has been built by lesbians?
There are no studs, it’s all tongue and groove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wi26i/construction_fun/
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All jokes on this subreddit can be judged fairly with a simple scale from 1-10,

for every day since the last repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wi0sv/all_jokes_on_this_subreddit_can_be_judged_fairly/
%
The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

'How is she?' I asked
'It looks likes she's been hit by a bus.' replied the officer
'I know. But why's she in the hospital?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wi0ck/the_police_called_to_tell_me_that_my_wife_was_in/
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What do a plastic surgeon and a chicken farmer have in common?

They both give you big breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7whzdc/what_do_a_plastic_surgeon_and_a_chicken_farmer/
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My friends always call me a loner, but I don't listen.

What does my imagination know about my social life?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7whxs1/my_friends_always_call_me_a_loner_but_i_dont/
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Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7whq63/why_did_elon_musk_go_broke/
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The greatest sci-fi show of all time

If I were being subjective, I'd say that the greatest SCI-FI show of all time was Doctor Who...
&nbsp;
But, if I were being objective, I'd have to say it was **Doctor Whom.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7who7q/the_greatest_scifi_show_of_all_time/
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What is the only thing that flat-Earthers have to fear?

Sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7whmpt/what_is_the_only_thing_that_flatearthers_have_to/
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Relationships are like the card game bridge...

If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7whkqg/relationships_are_like_the_card_game_bridge/
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There once was a wizard who never hesitated to try new spells. But then he turned himself into a dog...

That gave him pause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7whdnb/there_once_was_a_wizard_who_never_hesitated_to/
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One last hole

While golfing, I took a quick turn to avoid hitting a chuck hole, and accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very beautiful and attractive golfer, who lived right there on the edge of the golf course, heard the noise, came running out of her villa and shouted, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up I noticed she was wearing only a silky see through bath robe which was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a VERY nice figure.
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself out from under the twisted cart.
She said, "Please follow me to my villa so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head, then you can rest a while, and I'll help you upright the cart later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”
"Oh, come on now," she insisted. " We need to see if you have any more scrapes and treat them if so". Well, after all, she was really pretty, and very persuasive.
Being sort of shaken and weak, I finally agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We walked to her place just a 100 yards away, and after a couple of Scotch and waters and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall even more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"
I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7whcgw/one_last_hole/
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Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7whcbp/did_you_know_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than sex...

so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. “I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread”, said the wife. “Why?” asked the husband, “Don’t we have a vase?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7whc9x/a_man_wanted_to_prove_to_his_wife_that_he_loved/
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A golfer went to the golf course to get away from his nagging wife.

When he arrived at the golf course, he saw a man with a giant sniper rifle.
"why are you carrying a rifle around?"
he asked.
"oh, I'm a hitman. you want anybody dead? 1000 bucks a shot!" the gunman replied. "look through this scope, you can see the whole town from here!"
the golfer looked through the scope.
"hey! I can see my house from here. Ok, so, I want you to shoot my wife in the mouth for nagging me and... oh my god! My neighbor is kissing her! I want you to shoot him in the cock for fooling with my wife."
so the gunman lined up the gun and waited 10 minutes or so.
"christ man, shoot already!" the golfer said.
"shut up, I'm about to save you 1000 bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wh20a/a_golfer_went_to_the_golf_course_to_get_away_from/
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What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?

Women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wgxu6/what_gets_easier_to_pick_up_as_it_gets_heavier/
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What is the difference between an asteroid and a meatball?

One is meteor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wgssi/what_is_the_difference_between_an_asteroid_and_a/
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Did you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wgrf1/did_you_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in_west/
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Why did Hitler end up as a horrible person, instead of as an artist?

He never knew where to draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wgjuh/why_did_hitler_end_up_as_a_horrible_person/
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My parents told me ANYONE could become president.

I didn't know it was a warning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wgiln/my_parents_told_me_anyone_could_become_president/
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Some days I don't feel like getting up and going to work...

I call those weekdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wgcfu/some_days_i_dont_feel_like_getting_up_and_going/
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So what do you do?

*I sell prosthetic limbs to various countries.*
So you're like a med rep, but for amputees?
*I prefer international arms dealer.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wg7yp/so_what_do_you_do/
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80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wg7ga/80000_blondes_meet_in_a_football_stadium_for_a/
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A man with a high voice walks into a bar

- can I have a beer please?
He said in a high voice. The rest of the people in the bar made fun of him for having such a high voice. Then the man visited the doctor.
- Doctor I have a high voice and everybody makes fun of me
To which the doctor replied with:
- Don't worry, here have this cucumber and shove it up your ass, It will make your voice sound heavier
The man shoved the cucumber up his ass and his voice changed to heavier
- **Thanks Doc**
He said with a heavy voice
The next day he shoved the cucumber up his ass went to the bar again
- **One beer please**
Everybody admired him for his heavy voice. He kept going to the bar with the cucumber up his ass everyday but one day he forgets it at home, He quickly rushes back home and asks his wife
- Where is my cucumber?
to which his wife replies with a heavy voice:
- **I don't know, keep looking**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wg78b/a_man_with_a_high_voice_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why dont you ever see rhinos hiding in trees

They're good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wg4gb/why_dont_you_ever_see_rhinos_hiding_in_trees/
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What do you get when you mix a gullible and optimistic person?

Read it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wg1dh/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_gullible_and/
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What did the leper say to the whore who just gave him a blowjob?

Keep the tip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wg0z2/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_whore_who_just_gave/
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Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy,

But jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, cause Jill’s real name was Randy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wftt5/jack_and_jill_went_up_the_hill_so_jack_could_lick/
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Musical unrest

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.
The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced toto years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wftgk/musical_unrest/
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What did the South Korean flag holder say to the North Korean holder after the ceremony?

Hey, let's grab some lunch!  I bet you're starving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wfmu5/what_did_the_south_korean_flag_holder_say_to_the/
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I feel bad for the dog

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he try using a new medical computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill found the computer, poured in a urine sample and deposited the $10. The computer beeped, clicked, shirred, and flashed various lights. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which read,  "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will heal in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, he wondered if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wfjih/i_feel_bad_for_the_dog/
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A blind guy walks into a bar.

He sits down, orders a beer and after a while asks the bartender if she wants to hear a blonde joke. The barkeep replies, "Before you say anything else, you should probably know that I'm a blonde. So is the woman sitting next to you. There are also a couple of blondes playing pool behind you, one of them is twice your size. So, you still wanna tell the joke?" The blind guy pauses for a second, then shakes his head and replies, "Goodness, no. I don't want to have to explain it four times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wfcos/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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I farted in a room full of hipsters.

They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wfc17/i_farted_in_a_room_full_of_hipsters/
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Light travels faster than sound,

which is why some people appear bright until they open their fucking mouths

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wf9zw/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wf5xz/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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My favorite winter Olympic sport is women’s curling...

Because it’s the one time every four years I can yell, “sweep harder” at a woman, and no one thinks it’s because I’m a sexist pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wf5g8/my_favorite_winter_olympic_sport_is_womens_curling/
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A colleague told this at dinner the other night and I wanted to share.

One day a guy, let’s call him Dave, decided to make a change. He’d always been too busy with work, never had kids and his wife left him. What was his purpose?
Dave had always been religious and decided he’d take the plunge and sort his life out by going to live with some monks. He needed the peace, the quiet and the reflection time to get his life back on track.
He loved it but after a few weeks, getting a little bored he asks one of the monks what they did for fun, how did they blow off steam?
"Well," responded the monk, "we live a life of prayer in the service of God. All I can suggest is pray and focus on beating temptation.”
Feeling a bit disappointed, Dave slowly turned and began to walk away.
“Of course…” continued the monk, “there is the barrel on the hill.”
“The barrel on the hill?”
“Yeah, the hill behind the monastery. There’s a barrel at the top with a hole in the side. Some of us go up there some nights and…y'know...use it. You could too, I suppose, however you can never look inside and you can’t go on a Tuesday. You can NEVER go up on a Tuesday.”
“OK...” replied Dave, intrigued, “I’ll give it a go!”
So that night, Dave went to the top of the hill. He sees the barrel, it’s a bit bigger than he imagined, but there’s the hole the monk mentioned so…why not?
Carefully mounting the barrel, Dave began to do the deed.
It was the best he’d ever had, he slumped over the barrel, panting, sweat dripping from his nose, just mind blowing. Finally, the peaceful life he wanted but he could still get off.
The next morning, Dave couldn’t wait to tell the monk how great it was “That was amazing,” he said “I want to go again tonight but today’s Tuesday. You never actually explained why I couldn’t go on a Tuesday…”
“Ah, well, on Tuesdays” said the monk, leaning in closer to Dave, “its your turn in the barrel.”
*Edit: Formatting and typo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wez86/a_colleague_told_this_at_dinner_the_other_night/
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What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

I didn't ask a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wewbs/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_9_letters_but_never/
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What's white and falls from the sky?

Depressed Businessmen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7weni4/whats_white_and_falls_from_the_sky/
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Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wejqz/did_you_know_that_you_can_get_a_slice_of_lemon/
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Wonder Women is naked on a beach

Superman is flying around one day when he spots Wonder Woman laying on the beach butt naked. He thinks to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly down there, take care of my business and be gone before she can blink an eye".
So he swoops in, does his thing and disappears into the sky. Sensing the commotion, Wonder Woman cries out "What was that?". Invisible Man replies " I don't know, but all of the sudden my ass hurts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wehk0/wonder_women_is_naked_on_a_beach/
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Wanna hear a sodium joke?

Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7weebn/wanna_hear_a_sodium_joke/
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A man is in critical condition after swallowing $250000 in large bills

No change is expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7we9ef/a_man_is_in_critical_condition_after_swallowing/
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Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.

Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
Rihanna, mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7we8j0/awful_pun_i_came_up_with_whilst_drunk_last_night/
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One for you, one for me

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7we64m/one_for_you_one_for_me/
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A twist on a classic

"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He stuck his finger in his mouth.
The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same.
When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger."
The class was horrified. Some of them threw up.
"The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here."
"The fourth thing you should know," the man lying on the table said with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7we60b/a_twist_on_a_classic/
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Lab Rabbit

A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institutes of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab.
One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He invited the lab rabbit to join him. The lab rabbit was unsure, as he had never been outside the lab, but the wild rabbit finally convinced him to give it a try.
Once they were free, the wild rabbit said, "I'll show you the number-three best field," and took the lab rabbit to a field full of lettuce.
After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show you the number-two best field," and took the lab rabbit to a field full of carrots. After they had had their fill of carrots, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show you the number-one best field," and took the lab rabbit to a warren full of female bunnies. It was Heaven—nonstop lovemaking all night long.
As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit announced that he would have to be getting back to the lab.
"Why?" said the wild rabbit. "I've shown you the number-three best field with the lettuce, the number-two best field with the carrots, and the number-one best field with the ladies. Why do you want to go back to the lab?"
The lab rabbit replied, "I can't help it. I'm dying for a cigarette!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7we5cr/lab_rabbit/
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The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7we59e/the_teacher_tells_little_jack_im_going_to/
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Knock knock. “Who’s there”. “Jimmy”. “Jimmy Who”

said Jimmy’s grandmother, whose crippling Alzheimer’s has robbed her of all her memories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7we451/knock_knock_whos_there_jimmy_jimmy_who/
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I hate break ups

Especially when they tell you things like, "It's not you it's me","I just need some space", "We can still be cousins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7we3ns/i_hate_break_ups/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He had to work it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7we2lt/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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So I recently got a step-ladder

It hurts not being able to see my real ladder any more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdxje/so_i_recently_got_a_stepladder/
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I can read women like a book...

Only thing is I'm blind and have to use brail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdwcu/i_can_read_women_like_a_book/
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Why did frosty the snowman quit drinking?

Every time he went out he got plowed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdv9z/why_did_frosty_the_snowman_quit_drinking/
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TIL the pool on the titanic is still filled with water to this day.

Oh wait...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wduyc/til_the_pool_on_the_titanic_is_still_filled_with/
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A baby boy was born without eyelids.

The doctors decided to circumcise him and use the foreskin to create eyelids for him. It all went well except he is a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdte9/a_baby_boy_was_born_without_eyelids/
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If the second's hand is the fastest hand on a clock...

...why isn't it first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdt7i/if_the_seconds_hand_is_the_fastest_hand_on_a_clock/
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Roses are red, Violets are red,

Bushes are red,
Trees are red,
My garden is on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdrrj/roses_are_red_violets_are_red/
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*opens Reddit app on phone* *breathes*

"You're doing that too much. Wait 9 minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdqxz/opens_reddit_app_on_phone_breathes/
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The Earth used to be flat,

but then they buried yo mama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdqj0/the_earth_used_to_be_flat/
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A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdoad/a_very_handsome_man_gets_into_a_terrible_car/
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I couldn't schedule an appointment today at my local library

Apparently they're fully booked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdnfl/i_couldnt_schedule_an_appointment_today_at_my/
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"The doctor really said you can't have kids?" A man asked his wife.

She looked at him sadly. "I kid you not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdk8y/the_doctor_really_said_you_cant_have_kids_a_man/
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Donald trump and Queen

Donald Trump is meeting The Queen, and he says to her:
“As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
To which the Queen replies. ‘I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
Donald Trump thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" to which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Trump”
Trump thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little pissed off by now replied, " Sorry again, Mr Trump, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before Trump could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdjln/donald_trump_and_queen/
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Enough is enough!

It's the same word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdiaq/enough_is_enough/
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Three logicians walk into a bar and the barman asks "are you all having a beer?"

The first one says " I don't know."
The second one says "I don't know."
The third one says "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdf1q/three_logicians_walk_into_a_bar_and_the_barman/
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I asked my Dad if he’d heard of Pavlov’s Dogs

He said “It rings a bell”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wdec8/i_asked_my_dad_if_hed_heard_of_pavlovs_dogs/
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A man sexually assaulted me, using cheese, butter, and milk.........

How dairy !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wd8eq/a_man_sexually_assaulted_me_using_cheese_butter/
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Two brothers lived far outside of town.

When they would run low on supplies, they would ride their camel into town. One day, they stepped outside of the store to find the camel missing. In a state of alarm, they summoned the police.
Cop: "Are there any features about your missing camel that would be useful in identifying it?"
Brother 1: "Yes! Our camel has two assholes".
Cop: "Say what?"
Brother 1: "Every time we ride our camel to town, people we pass say 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wd3c0/two_brothers_lived_far_outside_of_town/
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Dick Van Dyke on Oprah Winfrey Show

Dick Van Dyke was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged, that despite his 92 years, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Oprah said, "Dick, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place.
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Dick Van says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."
She says okay. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Dick Van says, "Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."
Oprah says,"Great! but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you're sleeping?"
Dick replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a black woman, she stole my wallet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wd19e/dick_van_dyke_on_oprah_winfrey_show/
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I always wear my Stethoscope around my neck

So in an emergency, it teaches people a valuable lesson about assumption

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wd0c9/i_always_wear_my_stethoscope_around_my_neck/
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TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wcoxd/til_that_a_school_of_piranhas_can_strip_all_the/
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I called my friend yesterday

night at 10.30 pm on phone, he said he was very busy, working on a special Project "Aqua Thermal treatment of Ceramics, Aluminium and Steel under a constrained environment".
I was impressed.
Later I realized - fucker is washing dishes , under the supervision of his wife !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wcn38/i_called_my_friend_yesterday/
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All these youngsters with their DDoS-attacks

Back in my day we just hurled a bunch of fax machines through someone's window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wcfck/all_these_youngsters_with_their_ddosattacks/
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Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wc9du/car_trouble/
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Better be safe

A couple were having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wc782/better_be_safe/
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Cutting Onion

When I was a kid, our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and the whole family was crying.
Poor onion, he was such a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wc3fp/cutting_onion/
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Apple has partnered with Tesla to make a new Car

They are having trouble installing windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wc2si/apple_has_partnered_with_tesla_to_make_a_new_car/
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I recall my first time with a condom

I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wc2ng/i_recall_my_first_time_with_a_condom/
%
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery

Don't take them for granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wc2iv/plateaus_are_the_highest_form_of_flattery/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
Hitler says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
Hitler turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wbytu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_hitler_and_stalin/
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When you're single trying to attract a partner it's important to project the qualities you desire

I understand this, but boy, oh boy, have I had to suck a *lot* of dick lately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wbx3q/when_youre_single_trying_to_attract_a_partner_its/
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*Sweatshirts*

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wbw9q/sweatshirts/
%
The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wbvsi/the_winter_olympics/
%
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wbupe/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
I'm seeing a therapist to help with my kleptomania.

I've been taking something of value away from every session.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wbsla/im_seeing_a_therapist_to_help_with_my_kleptomania/
%
I'm so happy that my financial situation has finally improved.

I just found out the African boy I've been sponsoring has been eaten by a lion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wbpys/im_so_happy_that_my_financial_situation_has/
%
How do you spell candy with only 2 letters?

C and Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wbpb5/how_do_you_spell_candy_with_only_2_letters/
%
Did you hear about the elephant orgasm?

It was all over town

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wbjc3/did_you_hear_about_the_elephant_orgasm/
%
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wbc5t/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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People say Steve Jobs died too soon...

...I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wbc2n/people_say_steve_jobs_died_too_soon/
%
What does a mermaid use to wash her fin?

Tide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wba0e/what_does_a_mermaid_use_to_wash_her_fin/
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What happens to Asians when they become American citizens?

They get very disoriented.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wb45o/what_happens_to_asians_when_they_become_american/
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How come Republicans don't like math?

because they don't want to see integration in school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wb41t/how_come_republicans_dont_like_math/
%
BMW and Mercedes used to make scuba gear...

...but eventually BMW was forced to shut down. People kept getting the Benz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wb2w5/bmw_and_mercedes_used_to_make_scuba_gear/
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What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wb2ch/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_he_dumps_his/
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A man is in a bar when he asks the bartender where to get some action...

A man is sitting in a bar when he asks the bartender where he can get some action around here.
"Well if you go down the alley behind the laundromat there's a hooker who will blow you for 15 bucks."
The man thanks the bartender and runs out of the bar and down the dark alley to find the hooker. He hands her 15 bucks and sure enough she starts blowing him.
Not a minute had passed when a police car comes down the alley shining a spotlight on the two.
"What are you doing?" The police officer asks the man.
"Well isn't it obvious? I'm getting blown by my wife in an alley!!"
The police officer looks at him for a moment and asks "Well why are you getting blown by your wife in an alley?"
The man angrily replies "Well I didn't know it was my fucking wife until you shined the light on her!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wazi8/a_man_is_in_a_bar_when_he_asks_the_bartender/
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Women call me ugly before they know how much I’m worth.

Afterwards, they call me broke-ass and ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wav9g/women_call_me_ugly_before_they_know_how_much_im/
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A dragon catches three men

A German, a Japanese and a Russian. Tells them he'll give them a chance to live if they survive his fire blow. They can also hide behind one object.
German goes first and decides to hide behind a steel plate, claiming he believes in manufacturing and quality of products. Dragon blows at him and 2 seconds later the steel plate melts and the German man burns down.
Next Japanese, decides to meditate and claiming he's been learning the meditation art for his whole life, he believes he can survive. Dragon blows at him, after 2 seconds the skin of the Japanese man gets red, after 4 seconds he starts smoking. After one more second the dragon stops surprised and tells the man - no one has ever survived my fire blow, I'm very impressed, great job, you can go.
Japanese man, knowing Russian is next, tells the dragon that he heard so many stories of how Russians find a way out of the toughest situations, and that he wants to stick around for a bit to see what happens to the Russian man.
Dragon agrees and asks the Russian man what he wants to hide behind, to what he replies: "Obviously behind the Japanese man".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7war5w/a_dragon_catches_three_men/
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whats the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest

a suicide vest gets something accomplished when its triggered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wapcb/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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There are 10 different type of people.

People who get binary and people who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wap9m/there_are_10_different_type_of_people/
%
If you're ever in a cold room, just stand in a corner

They're usually 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7waoip/if_youre_ever_in_a_cold_room_just_stand_in_a/
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Satan's Jacket

Belive it or not, back in his day, Satan got around. On one particular crazy night, he woke up next to an angelic chick. Unfortunately, over the course of the night the temperature had dropped drastically, and she hadn't thought to bring a jacket. Now, Satan might be the devil, but he wasn't a douchebag, so he sent her home with one of his jackets.
Unfortunately, that was the last he heard from her for several months, as she didn't return any of his calls. However, one day he happened to run into her in a supermarket in the Astral Sea.
"Look," he said, tapping her on the shoulder, "I'm over it, but can I get my jacket back? It's one of my nicer ones." The girl stammered an apology, saying she'd send it soon. Sure enough,  a couple of days later, a package appeared on Hell's doorstep. It contained a garment identical in size and shape to Satan's Jacket, but it was a pure white. Needless to say, Satan was upset at the loss of his jacket, and called the girl up. Because she felt bad at having taken his jacket for so long, she eventually picked up the phone.
Before Satan could say anything, she burst out, "I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. It was just so comfortable, I wore the hell out of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wanqj/satans_jacket/
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A Muslim man wearing a Make America Great Again hat . . .

walks into a bookstore. After browsing around for a while a young woman in a headscarf walks up and says "Salaam, friend. I can't help but notice the hat you're wearing. You can't really support Trump, can you?"
Checking to make sure no one is listening, he whispers, "no, of course not, but keep your voice down."
She whispers back "Then why the hat?"
He says, "oh, thats easy. I'm starting a garden."
She replies, "A garden? What does that have to do with anything?"
He says "Ha! You try walking up to the counter with a stack of books about fertilizer and see what happens!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wanla/a_muslim_man_wearing_a_make_america_great_again/
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You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub...

And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.
.
.
(Anthony Jeselnik)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wan3r/you_dont_know_anything_about_pain_until_youve/
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A man is running late for his tee time

So he grabs his golf bag, throws a few spare balls into his pocket, and heads for the train that runs near the course.
A few minutes into the train ride, he notices an elderly woman staring at the bulge in his pants from the spare golf balls.
"They're golf balls, ma'am."
"Ohhh, I'm so sorry, is that sort of like tennis elbow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wadnn/a_man_is_running_late_for_his_tee_time/
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A man wakes up one day to a gorilla in a tree in his front yard

Alarmed, he immediately googles "gorilla exterminator" and calls the local expert.
"Hello? Yes I have a damn silverback in my tree, I need you here right now!"
"No problem man, except my partner is out of town, so I'll need you to help me"
"Fine whatever you need just get here now!  He's tearing apart my yard!"
"Ok man be there in 15 minutes"
An hour later the exterminator arrives and assesses the situation.  He opens up the back of his van to show his tools to the client.  He has a baseball bat, a pair of handcuffs, a pit bull, and a shotgun.
"Um ok, so how does this work?"
"I'm gonna climb the tree and knock the gorilla down with the baseball bat.  The dog is trained to attack the gorilla's testicles.  When the gorilla goes to cover his privates, you slap the handcuffs on him."
"Alright, but what's the shotgun for?"
"If by chance the gorilla knocks ME out of the tree, you shoot the dog before I hit the ground."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wab8p/a_man_wakes_up_one_day_to_a_gorilla_in_a_tree_in/
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Four women go on a road trip

No real reason, they just need to blow off some steam.
They pick a random highway and start driving. They're having a great time, laughing and joking the whole time. It's starting to get late, and they see a billboard advertising a hotel for women only.
Intrigued, they take the turnoff. As they drive, they see sign after sign extolling the virtues of this women-only hotel, and they get more and more excited. Finally they arrive, and enter the hotel lobby.
The front desk clerk is a lovely middle-aged woman with a gentle demeanour. She tells them that the hotel works a bit differently from most hotels - at this hotel, all rooms are the same price, and each room has a man who will serve the woman's every desire, whatever it may be. When you find the room that you want, you take it, but you're not allowed to come back down the stairs once you go up. There are five floors in total.
So the women pay, and enter the hallway foe the first floor. A sign there says "All the men on this floor have small, narrow penises." The women giggle and quickly agree to go up to the next floor.
The next floor has a sign that says "All the men on this floor have long, narrow penises". The women discuss for a bit, but they quickly agree to try the next floor. That one has a sign that says "All the men on this floor have short and thick penises".
The women have caught on to the trend. They're excited to get to the next floor, and quickly head up the stairs. Sure enough, the sign there says "All the men on this floor have long and thick penises".
One of the women nearly swoons with excitement. They all talk happily and excitedly to each other, until one of them says "wait... what's on the fifth floor?"
The women all grow quiet, and look to the next flight of stairs with wonder. They share a quick look, then agree to head up to the last floor.
The sign there reads "This floor is just here to prove that women are never satisfied"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wa9qm/four_women_go_on_a_road_trip/
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What’s better than winning a gold medal in the Paralympics?

Walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wa9m9/whats_better_than_winning_a_gold_medal_in_the/
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I got so drunk last night that I had to take a cab home... you know, it was exciting."

"That was the first time I ever drove one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wa8ab/i_got_so_drunk_last_night_that_i_had_to_take_a/
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Whats the difference between a circus and a strip club?

You go to a circus to see a cunning display of stunts, but at a strip club you go to see a stunning display of cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wa5kt/whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a_strip/
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I have a date for Valentines

February the 14th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wa443/i_have_a_date_for_valentines/
%
My dad had a vasectomy because he didn't want kids anymore

But when he got home from the hospital we were still there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wa3rg/my_dad_had_a_vasectomy_because_he_didnt_want_kids/
%
What kind of shoe do ninja wear?

Sneak-ers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wa2a9/what_kind_of_shoe_do_ninja_wear/
%
I was sitting on the bench at the playground ..a woman sitting next to me said "which one is yours? "

I said  "I haven't decided yet "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wa1yj/i_was_sitting_on_the_bench_at_the_playground_a/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

More than four, because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7wa0jn/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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My Lesbian Neighbours Asked Me...

My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently. They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the "old fashioned way" as they were pretty outgoing. For 3 months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w9vfz/my_lesbian_neighbours_asked_me/
%
Two goats were behind a Hollywood movie studio eating an old movie film.

One goat said to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat said, "Yeah, but not as good as the book".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w9tkl/two_goats_were_behind_a_hollywood_movie_studio/
%
A rapist, a sexist and a racist walk into a bar

Barman: How can I help you Mr. President?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w9q00/a_rapist_a_sexist_and_a_racist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the One-Handed man cross the road?

To get to the Second-Hand shop...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w9oje/why_did_the_onehanded_man_cross_the_road/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w9h6t/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped prison?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w9dyv/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_who_escaped/
%
A kid asks his dad what is an Alcoholic

Dad: Well son, see those 4 cars over there? An alcoholic would see 8.
Kid: But there's only 2 cars over there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w8x8h/a_kid_asks_his_dad_what_is_an_alcoholic/
%
Why did the fair maiden enjoy the award?

Because it was a Sir Prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w8uo1/why_did_the_fair_maiden_enjoy_the_award/
%
My girlfriend is a tennis player and broke my heart

It was like love meant nothing to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w8t6h/my_girlfriend_is_a_tennis_player_and_broke_my/
%
A man went to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps.

The doctor prescribed him a course of suppositories to ease the pain and told him to come back in a week.
A week later he returns. The doctor asks him how the suppositories worked.
The guy says "they were absolutely useless. For all the good they did I may as well have just shoved them up my arse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w8qns/a_man_went_to_the_doctor_complaining_of_stomach/
%
Two cops meet at their usual bus stop on the way to work.

Cop # 1 : Hey, what's wrongs? You look really sad today!
Cop # 2: Listen, I've been married to the same women for over 20 years and our sex life just isn't what it used to be.  It's become routine and we lost that passion we once had.
Cop # 1:  I've been there, and I've found something that really works for my wife and I.  Seconds before I cum, I like to pull out my hand gun and shoot a few rounds  in the air!  Try it, guaranteed to light that fire again
Cop # 2:  okay, I'll try.
The next they they meet at their usual bus stop and and cop # 2 looks sadder then ever.
Cop # 1: What's wrong? You don't look happy at all.  Did you try what we spoke about yesterday?
Cop # 2: Ye, I did exact what you said.  We start having sex and things are going well. We're really into it and just as I'm about to cum, I pull out my gun and shoot a few rounds in the air.
Cop # 1:  And what happened?
Cop # 2:  She got really scared - shat on my face and bit my dick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w8qak/two_cops_meet_at_their_usual_bus_stop_on_the_way/
%
Voting is a lot like driving.

D to go forward. R to go in reverse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w8p31/voting_is_a_lot_like_driving/
%
Someone at school just stole my dictionary

They got a-way with words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w8ot9/someone_at_school_just_stole_my_dictionary/
%
"There are three crows sitting on a branch,

you shoot one, how many are left?" The teacher asks little Jack.
"None Mrs. Parker, because the others would've flown away after hearing the gunshot."
"The correct answer is two little Jack, but I like the way you think."
"Well Mrs. parker, I have a question for you too. There are three ladies sitting on a bench eating a lollipop. The first one licks the lollipop, the second one sucks on it, and the third one bites it. Which one of them is married?
The teacher starts blushing and answers: "The one that's sucking on it."
"The correct answer is the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w8nyz/there_are_three_crows_sitting_on_a_branch/
%
What's the difference between a weapons factory and a Palestinian preschool?

I don't know, I just pilot the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w8ib4/whats_the_difference_between_a_weapons_factory/
%
What do you call the hunger games in French

Battle royale with cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w8hl0/what_do_you_call_the_hunger_games_in_french/
%
My wife was complaining the other night.

She said "I'm all itchy."
I told her "The B isn't silent."
Maybe she'll let me back in the house next week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w8dqn/my_wife_was_complaining_the_other_night/
%
Why should you never loan LeBron James a dollar?

He will give you back 75 cents and say he wasn't sure about what happened to the fourth quarter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w8b9y/why_should_you_never_loan_lebron_james_a_dollar/
%
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It’s not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w88oa/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
%
What cars does Conor McGregor love?

Dodge Challengers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w86k6/what_cars_does_conor_mcgregor_love/
%
What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"Why are you shaking? You're not the one she is going to eat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w82jm/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
%
My wife

Not many of you know that my wife was bitten by a rattlesnake over the summer, while we were camping. After two days of horrible, writhing agony, the snake died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w80a0/my_wife/
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An old one but a good one

Little Johnny sat silently at the back of the class, along with his fellow students. His teacher began discussing vocabulary. She asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary raised her hand and said, 'I went to the beach yesterday, and the sea was fascinating'.
The teacher replied, 'Good attempt, Mary, but I want "fascinate", not "fascinating"'.
Harry waved his hand and stated, 'We visited Grandpa's farm yesterday and I was fascinated.'
Ms Davids shook her head. 'The word is "fascinate", but good try.'
Little Johnny waved his hand wildly at the teacher. "My aunt bought a new 10-button shirt the other day, but her boobs are too big and she can only fasten eight'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7ufd/an_old_one_but_a_good_one/
%
What do you call a marine with an IQ of 160?

A Brigade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7rkn/what_do_you_call_a_marine_with_an_iq_of_160/
%
What do you call a slutty insect?

A whore-net

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7rd4/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_insect/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson we’re going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: I see millions and millions of stars.” And Holmes said: “What do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely that there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7ray/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_were_going_camping/
%
Congratulations to the guy who invented the knock knock jokes.

He's just won the 'No-Bell' prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7r0g/congratulations_to_the_guy_who_invented_the_knock/
%
A friendly joke from us in Australia

We were walking past the local community centre in our town when we saw a window licker, or 'mong' if you will.
Fucking funniest thing we ever saw.
"Fucktard", shouted one of my mates. We all laughed.
"Bed soiler", shouted Jack, the joker of the pack. We laughed even harder.
"American" I yelled.
No laughter.
My mates looked away. An awkward silence descended for what seemed like minutes.
Finally Jack turned to me with a look of sadness in his eyes.
"Too far, mate. Too far."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7qge/a_friendly_joke_from_us_in_australia/
%
What do you get when you cut a piece of poop into three pieces?

Turds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7pe7/what_do_you_get_when_you_cut_a_piece_of_poop_into/
%
In the post office, never stand in line behind the devil.

Because devil takes many forms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7mdc/in_the_post_office_never_stand_in_line_behind_the/
%
"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
"No, Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for Cotton.""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7ghg/a_bill_collector_knocked_on_the_door_of_a_country/
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship come to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly  be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, “Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7fcr/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
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A duck stumbles out of a bar at closing time...

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a duck stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7f04/a_duck_stumbles_out_of_a_bar_at_closing_time/
%
The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.
The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.
"Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole.
"SNAP!", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! "Anything that enters the hole will be sliced off, sire", said the magistrate.
Thoroughly impressed, the King instructed the Queen to wear it for the entire year and left for his expedition. Upon his return, the King called for a meeting of all his country folk.
They were all instructed to drop their pants, and the King made his rounds noticing that many were missing fingers as well as their most vital part. Then, he saw the quiet knight Sir Xavier, fingers and all still intact.
"Xavier, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But alas, Sir Xavier was speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7dbl/the_queen_and_the_metal_panties/
%
Why was the Roman cannibal so happy?

He was gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7d2y/why_was_the_roman_cannibal_so_happy/
%
My girlfriend and I were in the kitchen the other day

She looked at me and said, “You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said have you?”
What a weird way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7bd4/my_girlfriend_and_i_were_in_the_kitchen_the_other/
%
A blonde girl decides to do a puzzle.....

...so she grabs the puzzle and pours out all the pieces and tries to put it together. After a while she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend. He asks her what is wrong and she tells him about the trouble she is having with the puzzle. He tells her to look at the picture on the front and tell him what it looks like. The blonde says, Okay, well, the background is blue and there is a tiger on it.
After a long pause her boyfriend sighs and says, Honey, put the cornflakes back in the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7aul/a_blonde_girl_decides_to_do_a_puzzle/
%
A barber in my town has been arrested for selling drugs. I was shocked; I've been his customer for many years.

I didn't even know he was a barber...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w7a52/a_barber_in_my_town_has_been_arrested_for_selling/
%
Q: There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A: 499
Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?
A: Open door, put elephant in, close door.
Q: What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge?
A: Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Q: The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it, and why?
A: Giraffe. He's stuck in a fridge.
Q: Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There's no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
A: The alligators are all at a birthday party.
Q: Sally dies anyways. Why?
A: She got hit in the head by a flying brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w79n4/q_there_are_500_bricks_on_a_plane_one_falls_off/
%
Being happy is like pissing your pants

Everyone can see it,  but you're the only one that can feel the warmth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w76xz/being_happy_is_like_pissing_your_pants/
%
A woman came into my shop

She asked me for a maternity bra.. I asked what bust. She said the fucking condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w73t6/a_woman_came_into_my_shop/
%
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris in my hometown....

...but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w72g0/there_used_to_be_a_street_named_after_chuck/
%
Kid and dad

A kid asks his dad, "What's a man?"
The dad says, "A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.
" The kid says, "I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w6z6h/kid_and_dad/
%
I laugh when people say that Elon Musk is stinking rich...

He can't afford to sleep in to 10:00 am every day like me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w6yox/i_laugh_when_people_say_that_elon_musk_is/
%
Women speak at a higher pitch when they talk to someone attractive...

That's why every girl I talk to sounds like fucking Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w6y35/women_speak_at_a_higher_pitch_when_they_talk_to/
%
A Boy and a Pregnant woman

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat?
Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.
Boy: Is it a good baby?
Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w6y36/a_boy_and_a_pregnant_woman/
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A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w6us2/a_general_noticed_one_of_his_soldiers_behaving/
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The only "B" word you should ever call a girl is beautiful.

Bitches love being called beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w6me5/the_only_b_word_you_should_ever_call_a_girl_is/
%
People sometimes ask me if I'm crazy...

But the voices in my head always tell me to say no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w6dqt/people_sometimes_ask_me_if_im_crazy/
%
A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”
The man said, “Yes, that’s the one.  Do you have it in paperback?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w6cbc/a_guy_walks_into_a_muslim_bookstore_wearing_a/
%
Why are elevator jokes so good?

Because they work on multiple levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w68cx/why_are_elevator_jokes_so_good/
%
The British Islamic Association has said there is no longer room for extremists within their mosques...

Although a waiting list has been set up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w67a2/the_british_islamic_association_has_said_there_is/
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I was staying at a fancy hotel....

...and it said in the Guest Services, "Dial *75 for Turn-Down Service".  So, I dialed *75.
A woman answered the phone saying, "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on earth!"
It's nice that while I'm traveling, I can still get some things that remind me of home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w60bx/i_was_staying_at_a_fancy_hotel/
%
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w5yzk/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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What do you do when you see a fireman?

you put it out, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w5ylx/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_fireman/
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A bear is crapping in the woods...

A rabbit comes hopping by
Bear: hey does shit stick to your fur?
Rabbit: why no, it does not.
The bear then grabs the rabbit and uses it to wipe his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w5ygl/a_bear_is_crapping_in_the_woods/
%
What do cannibals call pregnant women?

Kinder surprise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w5x36/what_do_cannibals_call_pregnant_women/
%
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage...

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w5vi0/i_went_to_the_zoo_yesterday_and_saw_a_baguette_in/
%
Alberts Einstein’s driver

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions
expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w5ql7/alberts_einsteins_driver/
%
There was a man that was completely infatuated with Beethoven.

This man had heard a rumor that Beethoven was buried with his final masterpiece that nobody had ever seen or heard. In a fit of madness he went to the great masters grave and dug it up. When he finally reached the lid of Beethovens coffin he pried it open and to his amazement Beethoven was busily erasing the music the man had sought.
"What are you doing?" cried the man.
Beethoven glanced up at him and said, "Hey, shut the lid and leave me alone. Can't you see that I'm decomposing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w5pje/there_was_a_man_that_was_completely_infatuated/
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A man dies and goes to hell...

And he's overcome by desperation, so he breaks down crying. Satan comes along and asks him why he's crying.
"Because I'm in Hell!"
"Aw man, it's not so bad here! Do you enjoy gambling?"
"Well, sure..."
"Monday night is Poker Night here! You'll love it! And are you into drinking heavily?"
"I guess..."
"Then you'll love tuesday! It's open bar! Best thing is, you can drink as much as you want, no hangover!".
"That sounds kinda nice...".
"So, tell me, what do you think about drugs?"
"I smoked the occasional joint..."
"Oh man, you'll LOVE wednesday nights! It's drug time! You can get whatever you want, for free, and the best thing is, you can get as high as you want, because you can't overdose! YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!".
"Hey, this sounds like fun!".
"It is! And do you happen to be gay?"
"Uh, no, why?".
"Oh. I guess you won't like thursdays...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w5mdj/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run, there's a live grenade in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w5ffc/what_should_you_do_if_a_blonde_throws_a_pin_at_you/
%
Last night I had a dream about mufflers and tailpipes

When I woke up this morning, I felt exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w5eb4/last_night_i_had_a_dream_about_mufflers_and/
%
I’d tell a joke about my ex-wife..

But the bitch took that too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w5cxm/id_tell_a_joke_about_my_exwife/
%
Does February march?

No, but April may!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w5c0s/does_february_march/
%
Did you hear the one about the plague?

Barely anyone has gotten it in the past 600 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w56bw/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_plague/
%
A conversation between God and Moses at the top of Mt. Sinai.....

God: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.
God: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs at the same time .
God: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!
Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside....
God: Ah, do whatever you want....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w55dt/a_conversation_between_god_and_moses_at_the_top/
%
A lady took her clock to a clock repairman.

"What seems to be the problem?" he asked.
"This clock just goes tick, tick, tick." she replied.
"Ahh, don't worry lady, we have ways to make them tock".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w557v/a_lady_took_her_clock_to_a_clock_repairman/
%
What is the difference between a physical therapist and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w54z8/what_is_the_difference_between_a_physical/
%
My wife and I have Olympic sex

Once every two years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w4xdt/my_wife_and_i_have_olympic_sex/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w4n8d/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80_years/
%
When I said to my teacher,I had 26 pets, didn't believe me. So I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

Teacher freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w4mne/when_i_said_to_my_teacheri_had_26_pets_didnt/
%
[NSFW] A man dies and arrives in Hell naked.....

He is confronted by the Devil who says that the man is allowed to choose how he wishes to be tortured in Hell.
So the Devil shows the man difference rooms for different options. The first room shows a naked man, chained up and being whipped by a a fat ugly dominatrix woman.
The Devils says "Do you want this?". The man says no.
He takes him to the next room, where a naked guy is being shagged by a giant crow creature. The Devil asks "How about this?". The man says no.
In the next room, there is a naked man receiving a blowjob from
Scarlett Johansson, who is naked in the room with him. The Devil asks "How about this?". The man says "Hell yeah".
The Devil then walks up to Scarlett Johansson and says "You can leave now. I found a replacement for you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w4km5/nsfw_a_man_dies_and_arrives_in_hell_naked/
%
4 people on a train...

Four strangers find themselves in the same berthing car on a train. Two of them are boring business men. One is an ironing board salesman, and the 4th is a ravishingly beautiful woman.
Sadly, the two boring business men arrived first and claimed the two lower bunks. As it happens, the ironing board salesman and the lovely lady strike up a conversation, and seem a bit smitten with each other.
The time comes for lights out and everyone is in their bunks. The ironing board salesman whispers to the lovely lady, "Psst. I would really like to continue this conversation"
She replies "Shhh. I do too, but I don't want to wake the others"
"No problem. I have something here that is long enough and hard enough that I can use it to climb over to your bunk without going down the floor"
Just then, one of the business men pipes up. "Yeah, good idea. But how will you get back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w4jpk/4_people_on_a_train/
%
I wanted to donate blood, but they rejected me.

They asked if I was positive.
I said "Yes, I'm sure of it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w4fkw/i_wanted_to_donate_blood_but_they_rejected_me/
%
Gay Couple on a Plane

So there was a gay couple (men) that decided that they deserved a nice long vacation on the other side of the world. The flight that they were on happened to be one that travels through the night. And about 30 minutes after the flight attendants turned off all the lights, one turns to the other and whispers "Hey, lets join the mile high club, right here in seats." The other one looks at him shocked and responds "RIGHT HERE?! Lets at least go to the bathroom." The other one goes "No itll be fine! Look everyones asleep" and proceeds to stand up and call out "Does anybody have a pencil?" Not a sound was made and the other man, now convinced it was safe, decided to try out the idea.
The next morning when the lights turned back on and people began to wake up, a flight attendant walks down to aisle only to find a man with vomit all down his shirt. She runs up to him and says "OH MY GOD SIR WHAT HAPPENED?! WHY DIDNT YOU ASK FOR A BAG??" He looks at her horrifyingly and says "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THE GUY BEHIND ME ASKED FOR A PENCIL AND HE GOT FUCKED IN THE ASS!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w49oh/gay_couple_on_a_plane/
%
What's the best part about being 100 years old?

No peer pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w48u9/whats_the_best_part_about_being_100_years_old/
%
Aliens visit, and their first question is: "what's changed in the last 3000 years?"

Aliens: "what's changed in the last 3000 years?"
Humans: "well, we were worshipping cats, drinking beer, and smoking weed... and then we made it to developing technology that can destroy this entire planet, and pretty soon we'll have unlimited energy from that tech."
Aliens: "Impressive. Good thing you stopped worshipping cats, drinking beer, and smoking weed."
Humans:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w48qo/aliens_visit_and_their_first_question_is_whats/
%
[long] A man with one arm wanted to jump off a bridge to end his life...

...when questioned why by pedestrians, he exclaimed "I can't do it anymore, I'm sick of being disadvantaged, I'm always so unhappy!"
A pedestrian pointed out another man further down the bridge, who had no arms, and had drawn a crowd dancing - "look, it can't be that bad. See how happy that guy is - he's even dancing!"
Wondering what the answers to his problems could be, the one-armed man went over and asked the arm-less man "hey buddy, I'm suicidal due to only having the one arm - what's your secret? why are you so happy?"
"Fuck off," the arm-less man replied; "I'm just trying to itch my arse"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w4627/long_a_man_with_one_arm_wanted_to_jump_off_a/
%
Which STD is transmitted through sound?

Hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w45r3/which_std_is_transmitted_through_sound/
%
I hope Elon Musk doesn't get into a scandal

Elongate would be pretty drawn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w44sj/i_hope_elon_musk_doesnt_get_into_a_scandal/
%
Why do squirrels sleep on their stomachs?

To keep their nuts warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w42yp/why_do_squirrels_sleep_on_their_stomachs/
%
A little old woman went to the drugstore and pleaded, "My husband isn't performing as he should, do you have anything that can help?"

The pharmacist smiled and said, "Yes, of course! Viagra!"
Puzzled, she asked, "Is it any good?"
"It's marvelous! I take it myself!" he exclaimed.
"Sounds brilliant, can you get it over the counter?" she inquired.
Sheepishly, he responded, "Well, only if I take four!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w3zib/a_little_old_woman_went_to_the_drugstore_and/
%
Q: How did jewish wizards get to Hogwarts?

A: I don't know,  but they certainly didn't get on that fucking train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w3wzq/q_how_did_jewish_wizards_get_to_hogwarts/
%
There's this new drug named Jesus

I've heard of a lot of people injecting it but I've started taking it orally.
I'd never take the lords name in vein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w3sdy/theres_this_new_drug_named_jesus/
%
A little girl tells her father that she almost for 100% in her last test...

The father was really proud, and then asked what was the mark she got.
The little girl reply: There's only one Zero missing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w3qvt/a_little_girl_tells_her_father_that_she_almost/
%
Do you want to see magic trick?

Go up to your wife and call her a fucking cunt and she instantly becomes one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w3n6x/do_you_want_to_see_magic_trick/
%
i went to a fancy dress party dressed as a globe and didnt speak to anyone all night.

I was in a world of my own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w3mjs/i_went_to_a_fancy_dress_party_dressed_as_a_globe/
%
Oh man, I'm so scr*wed!

A guy says to his best friend "Oh man, I'm so scr*wed!"
His best friend asks him "Why are you scr*wed?"
The guy responds "Well my girlfriend took me out to dinner with her parents, and gave me a h*ndjob under the table..."
His friend says "DUDE Thats awesome! Why are you screwed though?"
The guy says "It was a glass table."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w3m7b/oh_man_im_so_scrwed/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w3jig/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian

I can stand up, now all I need is comedy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w3efv/im_halfway_through_becoming_a_stand_up_comedian/
%
Why is going down on a woman similar to driving in fog?

One slip-up and you are into the asshole in front of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w39e4/why_is_going_down_on_a_woman_similar_to_driving/
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You know this country is in bad shape

When the Statue of Liberty has to work part time as a sign spinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w3192/you_know_this_country_is_in_bad_shape/
%
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. But the bulb has to really WANT to change..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w2tq4/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
The thinner you are, the less you contribute to pollution.

Because less waist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w2s5t/the_thinner_you_are_the_less_you_contribute_to/
%
A couple goes to a sex therapist..

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w2rg8/a_couple_goes_to_a_sex_therapist/
%
Everybody poops...

Those who claim they don't are full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w2lw0/everybody_poops/
%
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project,

the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day. a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated."What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA folks without wondering gave him a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, the NASA people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was:"Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w2lbp/when_nasa_was_preparing_for_the_apollo_project/
%
What do you call someone with no German ancestry?

Guten free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w277a/what_do_you_call_someone_with_no_german_ancestry/
%
13,700,000,007

A man asks the worker at the astronomy museum how old the universe is. He responds 13.7 billion and 7 years old.
The man is puzzled how the worker knew the age to such precision. The worker answered, “When I got this job, the person who hired me told me that the universe is 13.7 billion years old, and I’ve worked here for seven years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w2298/13700000007/
%
What do a stuffed olive and Angelina Jolie have in common?

they've both had a pit in them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w221u/what_do_a_stuffed_olive_and_angelina_jolie_have/
%
After weeks of abuse from my parents I finally decided to call the Child Abuse Hotline

A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w219f/after_weeks_of_abuse_from_my_parents_i_finally/
%
A woman, tired of living alone, decides to put an ad in the local paper.

She asks for three things:
1. A man who will treat her nicely,
2. A man who won't leave her, and
3. A man who is good in bed.
Several weeks go buy without a result, and the woman is resigned to life without a man who can embody those qualities. Then, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find an armless, legless man in a wheelchair. He says, "I'm here about the ad in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms, so I can't beat you, and I have no legs, so I can't run away from you." The woman is skeptical, and asks, "Yeah, but are you good in bed?" The man answers, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w214a/a_woman_tired_of_living_alone_decides_to_put_an/
%
A scientist wanted to study the length of a frog’s jump, he began the study by telling the frog to jump, it jumped 10 feet. He then cut off the frog’s front legs and told it to jump, it jumped 5 feet. The scientist then cut off the frog’s back legs.

He told it to jump once more but it remained motionless. The scientist concluded that when you cut a frog’s legs off it becomes deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w20ng/a_scientist_wanted_to_study_the_length_of_a_frogs/
%
Scientists are baffled by cat remains on Mars..

You can guess who killed them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w1qap/scientists_are_baffled_by_cat_remains_on_mars/
%
A Catholic girl is set to marry a man from Greece...

The night before the wedding, the girl’s mother takes her aside and warns her about the reputation Greek men have:
“Now you listen to me, Sunshine- those Greeks like their sex... *a certain way*, if you catch my drift. If he ever tells you to flip over so he can have you another way, I want you to pack your bags and come right home to your mama!”
2 week’s later, Mom gets a knock on her door at midnight.
“It happened just the way you said it would, Mama! We were having sex the usual way when all of a sudden, he asked me to flip over and do it with the other hole!”
“Aha! And what did you tell him?”
“I told him- ‘my mama said if you ever wanted to do it in the other place, I was supposed to pack my things and come home!’”
“Good girl! And what did he say to *that*?”
“He said- ‘But Honey! Don’t you want to have a baby?’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w1nxy/a_catholic_girl_is_set_to_marry_a_man_from_greece/
%
I caught my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I rolled up a newspaper and told him he was a bad boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w1np9/i_caught_my_wife_having_sex_with_my_best_friend/
%
If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w1mpc/if_the_average_world_temperature_rises_2_degrees/
%
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.

After eating, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and leaves.
Next day, the headlines read *Panda eats shoots and leaves!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w1k4w/a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant_and_orders_a/
%
Why did the banker quit his job?

Because he lost interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w1gpe/why_did_the_banker_quit_his_job/
%
Thieves stole a truck with 1,000,000 doses of viagra

Police are looking for hardened criminals...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w1bkj/thieves_stole_a_truck_with_1000000_doses_of_viagra/
%
What does space smell like?

Elon's Musk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w1981/what_does_space_smell_like/
%
Do you know why gay BBQs suck?

The hotdogs taste like shit.
Note: I’m gay and find this joke fucking hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w18d8/do_you_know_why_gay_bbqs_suck/
%
There are three elephants. One is called mouth elephant and the second is eye elephant. Does it matter what the third is called?

Nah, it's ear elephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w12j3/there_are_three_elephants_one_is_called_mouth/
%
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can’t make an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w12be/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
%
The Mexican Magician

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno...dos..." *POOF* He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w0zt4/the_mexican_magician/
%
Why was the clown so good at managing his money?

He was Pennywise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w0wje/why_was_the_clown_so_good_at_managing_his_money/
%
Sometimes, it’s very important as to whether a sentence was said by a man or a woman

For example: “I used up a whole pack of tissues yesterday during that movie!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w0w0j/sometimes_its_very_important_as_to_whether_a/
%
What has an O and is followed by a series of Zs?

Sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w0vwf/what_has_an_o_and_is_followed_by_a_series_of_zs/
%
Isn't it obvious that she's a mom?

It's ap-parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w0vg3/isnt_it_obvious_that_shes_a_mom/
%
Jokes for six year old

Hey guys. Was hoping all you hilarious people at jokes could help a dad out.
I recently started working out of town for long stretches and I just want to be able to tell my six year old son some funny jokes for his age.
I've looked some up but after the 4th website I realized they are mostly unoriginal and not that funny. Anyways, you guys got anything to make the little man laugh when I call him?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w0qv1/jokes_for_six_year_old/
%
My local furniture store has some really weird policies

I Said one of the doors looked cheap and the salesman was all like
"Dont knock It till you've tried It"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w0om5/my_local_furniture_store_has_some_really_weird/
%
I told a girl to text me when she got home

She must be homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w0nxa/i_told_a_girl_to_text_me_when_she_got_home/
%
What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all devices and stores your data.
The other one is an industry standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w0nu1/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
%
American beer is like sex in a canoe

It's fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w0itt/american_beer_is_like_sex_in_a_canoe/
%
What do you call an elephant dressed as Darth Vader?

An Elevader!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w0aoh/what_do_you_call_an_elephant_dressed_as_darth/
%
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w09x3/how_do_you_make_a_water_bed_more_bouncy/
%
At first I didn’t like my new haircut...

...but it’s growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w09ul/at_first_i_didnt_like_my_new_haircut/
%
His first words were "I'll be dead in 4 days, mommy will be dead in 7 days and daddy will be dead in 13 days"

Well, the kid was right.
Four days passed and he died, seven days and hia mother died...
His father, knowing he'd be dead soon, spent all his money and sold everything he had.
Thirteen days passed and his neighbor died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w097s/his_first_words_were_ill_be_dead_in_4_days_mommy/
%
What was Hitler’s favorite breakfast?

Luftwaffles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w08ww/what_was_hitlers_favorite_breakfast/
%
If Robert Kardashian hadn't gotten OJ off,

eventually one of his daughters would have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w054u/if_robert_kardashian_hadnt_gotten_oj_off/
%
How many of my ex girlfriend does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. She's pretty good at screwing just about anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w04vm/how_many_of_my_ex_girlfriend_does_it_take_to/
%
Why are pirates called pirates?

They just aaaar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w025h/why_are_pirates_called_pirates/
%
Wife: why are you so late?

Husband: I stopped to jump someone.
W: Oh!   Did you get their car started?
H: Yes.  Took 2 seconds.
W: So why were you so late?
H: Bitch wouldn’t give me her money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w01xm/wife_why_are_you_so_late/
%
My manager asked me if I had prepared my report on how to cut costs at our cookie factory...

Thinking quickly, I told him that we could save money by not fully cooking all our cookies.
It was a half-baked idea, but it turned out to save us a lot of dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7w00oo/my_manager_asked_me_if_i_had_prepared_my_report/
%
Someone once asked me if everyone in the U.K. Knows the lyrics to Wonderwall

I said mayybeee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vzxd4/someone_once_asked_me_if_everyone_in_the_uk_knows/
%
How do warehouse workers fight?

Boxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vzs3h/how_do_warehouse_workers_fight/
%
What does a fish say when it hits concrete.

Damn!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vzr78/what_does_a_fish_say_when_it_hits_concrete/
%
"Daddy, why is my name Rose?"

One day, a child came up to her father and said, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
He replied, "Well, when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
Later on, her younger sister came up to their father and asked, "Daddy, why was I named Lily?"
He replied, "Well, when you were born, a lily fell on your head."
Later, their brother came up to their father and said, "Ghigdsgjjo Hitsggdjkl."
He replied, "Shutup, Brick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vzost/daddy_why_is_my_name_rose/
%
A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ...

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.
Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vznkr/a_lunatic_seduced_the_laundry_woman/
%
I wrote this joke about unemployment

I really just don't think it's going to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vzmf3/i_wrote_this_joke_about_unemployment/
%
Yo mama's so fat

If she ever fell over she would prove the flat earth society correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vzmd6/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
Did anybody else hear about the psychic midget who killed like, thirty hookers?

Police are looking for a small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vzlu3/did_anybody_else_hear_about_the_psychic_midget/
%
Borrow a million dollars, and the bank owns you.

Borrow a 100 billion dollars and you own the bank.
Borrow $69 trillion dollars and you are the United States of America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vzkuz/borrow_a_million_dollars_and_the_bank_owns_you/
%
I wrote this joke

Veterans day Bowe Bergdahl walks into an Applebees in his uniform.
Eats a hearty dinner, and is satisfied with it. Afterwards, the waitress comes over and asks. "Dessert sir?"
Bergdahl replies: "Already did"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vzidz/i_wrote_this_joke/
%
Elon Musk launched the falcon heavy hoping to start a space race...

Of course he wants a space race, he's the only one with a car up there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vzi41/elon_musk_launched_the_falcon_heavy_hoping_to/
%
A cowboy is sitting in a bar having a whiskey

Before too long, a young, attractive blonde in a short skirt walks in and takes a seat up next to him at the bar.  He offers to buy her a drink, so she asks for a martini.
They talk for a short while and hit it off fairly well. As the blonde finishes her martini and goes to eat the olive, however, she accidentally sends it down the wrong pipe and begins choking.
The cowboy sees this and leaps into action; he takes the lady out of her seat, bends her over the bar, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and runs his tongue all the way from her taint to the top of her ass-crack. She's so shocked and caught off guard that she coughs up the olive onto the bartop.
She turns around, face beet red, and asks him "What the hell was that?!?" To which the cowboy replies, "hain't you never heard of the hind-lick maneuver?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vzfnh/a_cowboy_is_sitting_in_a_bar_having_a_whiskey/
%
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

Because it is two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vzfbf/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
%
What is in a Nanaimo Bar?

Hells Angels, cocaine & strippers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vz7qr/what_is_in_a_nanaimo_bar/
%
Elon musk has been the talk of the town lately

News of his Tesla Roadster has skyrocketed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vz7mk/elon_musk_has_been_the_talk_of_the_town_lately/
%
What's on a toast that got run over by a car?

Traffic Jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vz7h9/whats_on_a_toast_that_got_run_over_by_a_car/
%
I met two meth heads at a restaurant today.

They were speed dating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vz6wy/i_met_two_meth_heads_at_a_restaurant_today/
%
What’s an abusive fathers favorite song?

Beat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vz6n1/whats_an_abusive_fathers_favorite_song/
%
A couple of Scottish lads were out one night and they pass a small sign for a comedy act.

One friend squints to read it and says, "come on, let's check this out"
The other friend turns to him and says, "Aye, don't go in. He's not funny."
"How d'ya know, have you seen him before?" asks the enquisitive friend.
"Probably." he says, pointing at the tiny sign, "Look, he's a wee poster."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vz6et/a_couple_of_scottish_lads_were_out_one_night_and/
%
Why do crucifixion depictions always portray Jesus as muscular?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vyzqr/why_do_crucifixion_depictions_always_portray/
%
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately:

I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory.
I wasn't suited to be a tailor.
The muffler factory was just exhausting.
I couldn't cut it as barber.
I didn't have the patience to be a doctor.
I didn't fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.
The paper shop folded.
Pool maintenance was too draining.
I got fired from the cannon factory.
And I just couldn't see any future as a historian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vysec/im_not_having_much_luck_with_jobs_lately/
%
My Red Shitt

The captain of a Spanish ship is walking around the deck inspecting the rigging and checking for damage when he hears from the crow's nest "Pirate ship to port, 2 kilometers." Upon receiving the news the captain tells his new first mate "Fetch me my red shirt at once."
The first mate brings the shirt, the captain puts it on, and a battle ensues between the two ships. Afterwards, the first mate asks why the captain had him grab a shirt before the battle. The captain says "So that if I am shot or stabbed, my men will not see me bleed."
The first mate looks at the captain in admiration and awe of the man's wisdom. The next day a cry is heard from the crow's nest, "Four pirate ships to starboard, 3 kilometers."
Upon hearing this the captain looks at his first mate and says "Bring me my brown pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vyqb1/my_red_shitt/
%
Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vyq1z/our_computers_went_down_at_work_today_so_we_had/
%
I got fired from work today..

My boss said my communication skills were awful.
I didn't know what to say to that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vypq4/i_got_fired_from_work_today/
%
What does glass taste like?

blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vyo48/what_does_glass_taste_like/
%
Tyrone went to the doctor

Tyrone went to see his doctor and nervously asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.
The doctor reassured him, "In over 20 years I haven't laughed at a single patient because I always remain thoroughly professional."
With that Tyrone dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AA battery.
The doctor just couldn't help himself and burst into uncontrollable laughter before composing himself and saying, "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me. I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
Tyrone sighed, "It's swollen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vymht/tyrone_went_to_the_doctor/
%
Please stop with all jokes about Hitler and Nazis

It makes me fuhrerious
(Source: My history teacher)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vyl45/please_stop_with_all_jokes_about_hitler_and_nazis/
%
The content of this post is true.

The title of this post is false.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vyjgf/the_content_of_this_post_is_true/
%
Scientists have found a way to slow down the speed of light...

They shine it through a post office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vyja8/scientists_have_found_a_way_to_slow_down_the/
%
My wife: 'They're not answering the phones at the mammogram clinic'

They must have their hands full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vyidh/my_wife_theyre_not_answering_the_phones_at_the/
%
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vy524/during_my_checkup_i_asked_the_doctor_do_you_think/
%
I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vy4kj/i_was_going_to_donate_blood_today_but_they_always/
%
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' catholic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vy3k5/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
%
A young man says to his girlfriend's father

"Sir, I would like your permission to marry your daughter."
And Dad says "You know, it's lovely to find such a well-mannered young man, and we think she's very lucky to have found you -- but can I just ask, do you know she has acute angina?"
And the young man says "You're telling me! And her tits are gorgeous, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vy0on/a_young_man_says_to_his_girlfriends_father/
%
A group of cannibals started a potluck....

Their slogan is "Bring a friend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vxwri/a_group_of_cannibals_started_a_potluck/
%
I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight

I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow.  I told my parents my girlfriend is retarded.....this should be an interesting night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vxt5o/im_introducing_my_girlfriend_to_my_parents_for/
%
Elon Musk: Did you move my car?

Team: Yeah.
Elon: Into the parking space, like I asked?
Team: Parking!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vxplj/elon_musk_did_you_move_my_car/
%
What days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday, the rest are week days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vxnd2/what_days_are_the_strongest/
%
Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?

She just couldn’t take it any longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vxk9a/why_did_the_woman_leave_her_husband_after_he/
%
What does Elon Musk call his penis?

The Musk tusk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vxedz/what_does_elon_musk_call_his_penis/
%
I don’t often tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vxdtr/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
%
I got an F in arithmetic

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vxdl3/i_got_an_f_in_arithmetic/
%
A woman carrying a duck gets on a bus....

When she takes her seat, a drunk man next to her exclaims, "That's the ugliest pig I've ever seen!"
The woman replied, indignantly, "That shows what you know.  This is a duck."
The drunk says, "I know, I was talking to the duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vxcbt/a_woman_carrying_a_duck_gets_on_a_bus/
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I never was a good trigonometry teacher....

I always went off on a tangent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vxadx/i_never_was_a_good_trigonometry_teacher/
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A Cheating Wife!!!

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'
The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vx6jo/a_cheating_wife/
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I've had a very shady past...

I've been working in the umbrella industry for over 20 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vx2qc/ive_had_a_very_shady_past/
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I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vx1nd/i_can_count_on_one_hand_how_many_times_i_have/
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A father was walking past his son's bedroom one day and happened to look in.

He was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up off the floor. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
Fearing the worst, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. It said:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sadness that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Susie and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion. Dad she's pregnant.
Don't worry though, Susie said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Susie has also opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Susie can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your son Tim.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jimmy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a lousy report card ...
That's in my desk drawer.
I love you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vx0cj/a_father_was_walking_past_his_sons_bedroom_one/
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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party

He invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.
Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, "I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who'll join him in the pool."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Brian in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it, getting it in choke holds, biting it's tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Brian and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell.
Finally, after what seemed like an age, Brian strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish.
An exhausted Brian wearily climbed out of the pool with everybody staring at him in disbelief.
The millionaire said, "Well, Brian, I reckon I owe you a million dollars then... What do you plan to do with the money?"
Still catching his breath Brian replied "I'm going to find the guy who pushed me in the pool and kill him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vwzad/a_multimillionaire_living_in_darwin_australia/
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When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

When life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vwwwr/when_life_gives_you_lemons_you_make_lemonade/
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It's difficult to say what my wife does for a living...

She sells sea shells on the sea shore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vwueh/its_difficult_to_say_what_my_wife_does_for_a/
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There was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person had died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat;I dont know what the bananas do to help you stay alive but we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vwsgq/there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_trains/
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I saw my neighbour gluing his drill back together.

What a complete tool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vwpg2/i_saw_my_neighbour_gluing_his_drill_back_together/
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What is it called when an Egyptian scams you?

A pyramid scheme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vwjk7/what_is_it_called_when_an_egyptian_scams_you/
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If someone has a bee in their hand, what's in their eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vwixt/if_someone_has_a_bee_in_their_hand_whats_in_their/
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I just got my wife a get better card.

She isn't sick but I think she could get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vwfxv/i_just_got_my_wife_a_get_better_card/
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How did Jesus feel after the Romans killed him?

He felt pretty cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vw9r9/how_did_jesus_feel_after_the_romans_killed_him/
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Did you hear about the surgeon who botched a vasectomy?

he got the sack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vw8qa/did_you_hear_about_the_surgeon_who_botched_a/
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What's Elon Musk's favorite meal of the day?

Launch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vw7xp/whats_elon_musks_favorite_meal_of_the_day/
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A man and his wife have a very peculiar relationship.

On the outside, Paul and Linda seem like an average American couple. However, behind closed doors, Paul is a hardcore submissive masochist, and his wife is a prude who detests any kind of sexual activity. The only way that Paul can get his wife to comply with his desires is to cook bacon. For some odd reason, the smell of bacon cooking really drives her wild. Now on this particular day, Paul had been without his sick kicks for about a month, and was getting pretty antsy. He runs to the supermarket to pick up a pound of bacon, but finds that a shortage has left all of the shelves bare. With his head hanging low, he shuffles toward the door to go home, but he meets his priest walking in instead. “How’s it going, Paul?” The priest asks. “Oh, not too good. I was hoping to fry some nice juicy bacon today, but they’re all out,” he replies. “I’ll tell you what,” says the priest, “I know you’re a farmer and that you have a donkey. Every day this week the church is putting on our spring play. We need a donkey for Jesus to ride on. If you bring that donkey of yours to every production, I’ll let you have all the bacon we had stored up for our Easter breakfast.” At this point, too desperate to argue, Paul agrees. However, the only way he can transport his donkey is in a beat up old school bus he bought second hand to use as a farm truck. So every day he loads the stubborn animal in the back of his bus, drives 15 miles to town to the church, and waits for the play to be over before cramming it back in the bus and heading home. At the end of an exhausting week, the priest thanks him and hands him an entire box full of bacon. Paul speeds home and proceeds to fry up every single piece of bacon in a huge skillet. He closes all of the doors and windows, and let’s the smell fill the house. His wife, hypnotized by the smell, leaps out of bed, runs into the kitchen, bends her husband over her knee, and gives him 10 spanks right to the rear. Paul immediately jumps out of her arms. “What the hell was that??” He demands. Those were the weakest spanks he had ever experienced, and he had just fried up an entire box of bacon, the only in town. He’s livid. Mad with rage, he turns to his wife:
“I bussed my ass all week to bring home the bacon, and this is the spanks I get?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vw7wn/a_man_and_his_wife_have_a_very_peculiar/
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An English bloke's gold ran away..

"A u, get back 'ere!" he yelled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vw7dr/an_english_blokes_gold_ran_away/
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The Test

After about 1.8 trillion times a planet circled their star, the life-forms that evolved there launched a small craft with an artificial likeness of themselves into orbit. It was done to show that they could and because it amused them. Years later, after they made their planet uninhabitable, they left and abandoned the craft because it served no purpose other than an old joke. Eventually, it was thrown off-course and exited that solar system, only to re-enter, many years later in an adjacent one with life-forms who were evolved enough to look at their sky and wonder.
The craft, caught by the pull of their planet, settled into orbit. The religion of La grew up around the new satellite and eventually the life-forms retrieved it. For many years they worshipped La until they were visited by the creatures from the planet that had launched it.
The two found a way to communicate and the joke of the craft and the likeness was explained to the believers. Some were angry, some violent, but most saw it as a test to see if they could grow beyond themselves and find humor in the universe. The life-forms rose to the occasion, launched their own craft and likeness, and in the moment of inspiration, called it La.
And thus began the billion year process requiring all life-forms to prove that they could take a joke before being helped by others. Of course, it is now known as the Test-La.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vw2ok/the_test/
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A wife walks in on her husband playing on his PlayStation.

"The house is still filthy! I thought I asked you to sweep the house!" she says.
"I did" replied the husband, "I found no hostiles"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vvx99/a_wife_walks_in_on_her_husband_playing_on_his/
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My doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation.

I thought he was crazy until I saw a dragon on the way home and shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vvx50/my_doctor_prescribed_lsd_for_my_constipation/
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I always thought I was good at sex

Then I found out all my exes had asthma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vvwg9/i_always_thought_i_was_good_at_sex/
%
My doctor told me yesterday that I'm at high risk for either Alzheimer's or Dementia...

I can't remember which.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vvrg1/my_doctor_told_me_yesterday_that_im_at_high_risk/
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What do you say to a dying calendar?

Your days are numbered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vvokc/what_do_you_say_to_a_dying_calendar/
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"Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool."

"But everyone pees in the pool!"
"Yes, but not from the diving board."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vvnk5/sir_youll_need_to_leave_you_cant_pee_in_the_pool/
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I looked at the ocean today, and thought it looked completely orange...

And so then I wondered if it was reality or a Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vvnhy/i_looked_at_the_ocean_today_and_thought_it_looked/
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Half as mad

A teacher from primary school asks Peter a question,
Teacher: "Peter; suppose that a car is moving at a speed of 100 mph suddenly brakes and the driver flies out through the windshield at a certain force and lands on the road. What would be my age?"
Peter thought for a moment and replied,
Peter: " Sir, you would be 40 years old."
The teacher; perplexed looked at Peter and asked how could he guess his exact age.
Peter: "Sir, I have an older sister aged 20 and she is half as mad as you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vvl3v/half_as_mad/
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A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vvdi6/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_saloon_and_takes_a_seat/
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Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vv6hl/police_have_arrested_the_world_tonguetwister/
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I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vv549/im_seriously_thinking_about_remarrying_my_exwife/
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Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?

Because he wanted to know how to define muscle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vv273/why_did_the_bodybuilder_borrow_a_dictionary/
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We'll we'll we'll

If it isn't my old enemy, Autocorrect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vuw1e/well_well_well/
%
Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vuvj4/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_clickbait/
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A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vutdb/a_man_receives_a_phone_call_from_his_doctor/
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Started my new job as a furniture salesman yesterday

Sofa
So Good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vuqho/started_my_new_job_as_a_furniture_salesman/
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Man, you gotta hand it to Elon Musk…

He knows how to dispose of a dead body in style.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vup4n/man_you_gotta_hand_it_to_elon_musk/
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What did Yoda say to Luke on his wedding day?

May divorce be with you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vup1n/what_did_yoda_say_to_luke_on_his_wedding_day/
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An Idiot is always an idiot

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings."
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!"
With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vumis/an_idiot_is_always_an_idiot/
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Two fishermen are sitting in a boat indulging in some wordplay.

The first one says, "If I tell you a joke that relies on *casting* the word "rod" in a phallic sense, would you find it *fishy*?"
"Oh," says the second one, "I think I can *tackle* it."
"So... *net-net*, you'd take the *bait*?"
"Oh-ho! *Hook, line, and sinker*!"
"I don't mean to *lure* you..."
"Ha-ha! Brilliant, old chap! So, let's... *sea*: we've covered fishing tackle, bait, rods... what did we forget?"
"Well, I think we've covered it. After all, the *reel* jokes are in the comments."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vufl6/two_fishermen_are_sitting_in_a_boat_indulging_in/
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I don't know why my friend was mad when I threw his frisbee...

He even said it was a new record.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vuc5m/i_dont_know_why_my_friend_was_mad_when_i_threw/
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3 men visit Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. The men are greeted by god who explains to them that heaven is very large and they will need cars to get around. The car they are given is based on each mans faithfulness to his wife while living. The first man was married 25 years and cheated on his wife 30 times, he is given a shitty old ford pinto and drives off. The second man was married 34 years and cheated on his wife 6 times and is given a 2005 Mercedes. The third man was married 55 years and never cheated once, he is given a new Bentley. The first two men proceed to drive down the road when they see the third man crying in his Bentley on the roadside. They ask him what could be wrong you have a Bentley and are in heaven? The third man replies “yeah... but I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vub8e/3_men_visit_heaven/
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What do “rain” and “reign” have in common?

Before they end, both fall and cause a huge mess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vu205/what_do_rain_and_reign_have_in_common/
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While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vu12y/while_playing_in_the_backyard_little_johnny_kills/
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Hello, you have reached the urology department.

Please hold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vu07l/hello_you_have_reached_the_urology_department/
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My absolute favorite thing ever in the whole world has to be exaggeration.

No wait, second guessing. Yeah second guessing is my favorite thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vtz90/my_absolute_favorite_thing_ever_in_the_whole/
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Flat Earth is not a myth

But rather a rounding error

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vtouw/flat_earth_is_not_a_myth/
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I used have a friend who was on the spectrum

I asked him, “On what spectrum, the electromagnetic spectrum?”
He responded, “No, I’m autistic.”
So I responded, “So what, you don’t understand jokes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vton6/i_used_have_a_friend_who_was_on_the_spectrum/
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Elon Musk's Car Insurance

must have skyrocketed today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vto77/elon_musks_car_insurance/
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My dog used to chase after everyone who went past my yard on a bike

It was so bad that I had to take away his bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vtnm0/my_dog_used_to_chase_after_everyone_who_went_past/
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My son was sent home from school again today.

He said it was because he was caught wanking in front of some third year girls. It's the fourth time this has happened so far.
I don't think he's cut out for being a teacher...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vtnll/my_son_was_sent_home_from_school_again_today/
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Everyone’s saying “Bros before hoes”...

But if you ask me, I’d say you need a balance,
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vtmte/everyones_saying_bros_before_hoes/
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A woman is like a loaf of bread...

I eat the butt first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vtlvk/a_woman_is_like_a_loaf_of_bread/
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Russell Crowe showed no remorse after cannibalising his wife.

In fact, he seemed like he was Gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vtjv6/russell_crowe_showed_no_remorse_after/
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How do triangles talk to each other?

Sine language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vtfvn/how_do_triangles_talk_to_each_other/
%
Why don’t aliens visit our solar system?

Terrible ratings. One star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vtfub/why_dont_aliens_visit_our_solar_system/
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A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vtf29/a_company_owner_was_asked_a_question_how_do_you/
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I really liked Harvey Weinstein’s speech about sexual misconduct

It was very touching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vte2r/i_really_liked_harvey_weinsteins_speech_about/
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There are so many starving children in the world,

I don't understand why the police made such a big deal about the ones in my basement...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vtb6r/there_are_so_many_starving_children_in_the_world/
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A Redditor became a chemist

And decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.
He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine.  It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.
He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortunate effect of being too effective at sedating the users.  There were numerous reports of half-dissolved breath mints becoming lodged in unconscious purchasers' airways, causing asphyxiation and eventually death.  This news led the Redditor into a great depression.
His son tried to cheer him up.  "Dad," the son said, "Your breath mints are a huge commercial success!  I'm eating one of your caffeinated mints and feel terrific!"
"Son," the Redditor wistfully explained, "The real choke is always in the calm mints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vt9wd/a_redditor_became_a_chemist/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a drink

After sitting he realises he really needs to fart, it's going to be a loud one. The man hears music in the bar and thinks to himself "I'll just fart along to the music so people don't really hear it. Perfect." He controls his butthole perfectly and is in perfect time with the music. However people are turning and looking at him. Then one of his earbuds falls out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vt559/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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A lady selling makeup at Macy's wouldn't stop bothering me.

Boy, eyelashed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vt48k/a_lady_selling_makeup_at_macys_wouldnt_stop/
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Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,

the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vt3o6/patients_in_an_insane_asylum_are_eating_plaster/
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A man orders a rum and Coke and the bartender hands him an apple

A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke. The bartender walks to the back and after a few minutes hands the man an apple.
The man looks at it for a moment confused and takes a bite. "Wow! This tastes just like coke! But what about the rum?"
"Turn it around" the bartender says, and sure enough it tastes like rum!
"That's amazing!" Says the man, "Can I have a gin and tonic?"
The bartender nods his head and again walks to the back. After a few minutes he hands the man another apple, and just like before one side tastes like gin and the other like tonic water.
"This is crazy!" Says the man, "can you make apples taste like anything?"
The bartender nods his head, "Pretty much."
"Well, can I have an apple that tastes like pussy?"
The bartender walks to the back and in no time hands the man another apple.
The man takes a big bite with excitement, but quickly spits it out all over the bar.
"This tastes like shit!" Yells the man.
The bartender looks at the man for a second and says, "Turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vszdi/a_man_orders_a_rum_and_coke_and_the_bartender/
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I told my daughter to give me my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school, and people nowadays use tablets, so she gave me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vsqr1/i_told_my_daughter_to_give_me_my_newspaper_she/
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Whats the difference between a Jew and a Boy Scout?

The Boy Scout comes back from camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vsqe2/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_boy_scout/
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After 35 years, mailman George decides to retire.

On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house hand him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate sex he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vsnzv/after_35_years_mailman_george_decides_to_retire/
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Some inmates were complaining about the prison they're in

The walls aren't built to scale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vshy3/some_inmates_were_complaining_about_the_prison/
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The Falcon Heavy is now the world’s most powerful rocket

The Falcon Heavy can put around 140,000 pounds of cargo into lower Earth orbit, more than twice as much weight as any other operational rocket. This powerful vehicle could open up entirely new types of business for SpaceX: launching heavy national security satellites or even sending large modules or your mom into deep space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vshvr/the_falcon_heavy_is_now_the_worlds_most_powerful/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

I can't afford one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vsgjy/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Person 1: Knock Knock

Person 2: Who’s there?
Person 1: Alzheimer’s.
Person 2: Alzheimer’s who?
Person 1: Knock Knock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vsep5/person_1_knock_knock/
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Girl, are you a cup of coffee?

Because with you, I can't get any sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vse80/girl_are_you_a_cup_of_coffee/
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Why did the family get lost on the way to the hotdog stand?

They took a turn for the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vsbwf/why_did_the_family_get_lost_on_the_way_to_the/
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Oh my goodness. First my wife is in hospital, and now my daughter!

Then again, I guess that's how childbirth works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vs7pw/oh_my_goodness_first_my_wife_is_in_hospital_and/
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Have you guys heard about the new Tesla roadster?

That car is out of this world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vs6dl/have_you_guys_heard_about_the_new_tesla_roadster/
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So my daughter was just doing her spelling words

and she spelt ‘country’ as ‘cunt tree’ , and I thought to myself ‘gee, I wish I had one of those’.
This isn’t a joke, it actually just happened, but thought you’d get a laugh out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vs0f9/so_my_daughter_was_just_doing_her_spelling_words/
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Lies about sex.

A group of boys are sitting on the steps of the church discussing something. The Priest of the Church is passing by and greets the boys and inquires about their discussion.
The lead boy tells the Priest that they'd found a $5.00 bill in the parking lot of the church and decided that whoever could tell the biggest lie about sex would get to keep the money.
The Priest was stunned and he shouted at the young men. 'I cannot believe that any of you boys would ever do such a thing, much less speak of it in front of me.' 'Why, when I was your age we didn't know what sex was, much less joke around about it.'
The lead boy handed the Priest the $5.00 bill. 'You win.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vrzth/lies_about_sex/
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People say I'm condescending

That means I talk down to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vrv63/people_say_im_condescending/
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What is President Obama's favorite genre of music?

Barack 'n Roll.
Ba dum tss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vruon/what_is_president_obamas_favorite_genre_of_music/
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Three Explorers

Three explorers were deep in the jungle exploring when they were ambushed by an indigenous tribe. The tribe surrounded the three with spears and bows while the chief approached them. The chief in surprisingly good English tells the men that they have trespassed on sacred ground. The chief gives the three a choice, the first choice is death and the second choice is Boofoo. After some thought the first explorer steps up and says that he doesn’t want to die in the jungle so he chooses Boofoo. The tribe immediately jumps him and sodomizes him, after they are finished he runs off naked into the jungle. The second explorer after seeing this ultimately decides that he doesn’t want to die either so he chooses Boofoo. The tribe promptly sodomizes the man and he runs off into the jungle. The third explorer after seeing his friends sodomized decides that he’s not going to get sodomized and that he would rather die. He tells the chief that he would rather die so the chief loudly exclaims Death.... by Boofoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vrujv/three_explorers/
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A man is ordering a drink at a bar when he spots the hottest barmaid he's ever seen.

"You are absolutely gorgeous" he says
"I'll give you £1000 if you let me bite your nipples!"
"What the hell" she thinks, and leads the man to a store room round the back.
She whips out her breasts and the man plunges his head straight into them.
Ten minutes pass and the barmaid says, "well, aren't you going to bite them?"
The man replies, "No. Too expensive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vrtqj/a_man_is_ordering_a_drink_at_a_bar_when_he_spots/
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Who did God send to help the slaves flee through the partially permeable membrane?

Os-Moses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vrp85/who_did_god_send_to_help_the_slaves_flee_through/
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The cameltoe

A 20th century traveller had to make a journey through the desert. His only travel compagnion and also means of transportation was his camel. The journey was long and hard, and after a while the traveller was feeling lonely.
He started to get some weird thoughts about his camel and since he was all alone in the desert, he thought, why not. He went around his camel, stood behind it and tried to fuck his camel, but since the camel was much bigger than him. He couldn't reach where he needed to be, not even when he was standing on his toes.
So he had no better idea than to make a pile of sand, and stand on top of it. But when he tried to commence with his unholy act, the camel ran away. He ran after his camel,  forgot about his whole idea and travelled on.
Still, after a while he was feeling lonely again and tried it again. Alas, the camel, again, ran away. Realizing this was never going to work, he travelled on, forgetting about his stupid idea.
But not too much further on his journey he ran into someone that was stranded, it was a woman, a stunning one too, and she had engine trouble with her car. The woman was so happy to see him, she thought she was going to die, being stranded alone in the middle of the desert. She asked him if he couldn't help fix her car, or if she could travel with him.
The traveller knew a thing or two about cars but could never afford one. Luckily for the woman he was able to fix the car.
The woman was so thankfull, she said 'thank you so much, you saved my life, I will do anything for you, name it and I will do it, I'm all yours'
Well, said the traveller, now that you mention it, would you mind holding my camel?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vrlqw/the_cameltoe/
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Can a Kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn't jump at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vrlph/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
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Why are they called French fries?

If they are obviously made in grease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vrlok/why_are_they_called_french_fries/
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In the stock market today....

Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and millions of investors were wiped clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vrlgg/in_the_stock_market_today/
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War is not about who’s right

It’s about who’s left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vrkmn/war_is_not_about_whos_right/
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What's a Pirate's favorite letter?

Now you'd think it would be "R"
But a Pirates true love will always be the "C"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vreu5/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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Did you hear about elon musk sending a tesla car into space?

To *drift* for all eternity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vre62/did_you_hear_about_elon_musk_sending_a_tesla_car/
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When my friend got me into DJing, I thought they were amazing...

Now I'm better than them! Oh how the tables have turned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vrcdj/when_my_friend_got_me_into_djing_i_thought_they/
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Don't forget your trowel

Wait.. It's towel? Wtf have I been carrying this little shovel around for then?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vrawj/dont_forget_your_trowel/
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The chef was fired because his dick got stuck in the potato peeler.

She was fired as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vraub/the_chef_was_fired_because_his_dick_got_stuck_in/
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What did the Leper say to the whore?

Keep the tip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vr8fx/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_whore/
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Kylie Jenner just named her newborn baby daughter Stormi

I think the Kardashian family is trying to have a weather forecast for her kids, because it's going to be Stormi in North West Chicago with a chance of Reign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vr77f/kylie_jenner_just_named_her_newborn_baby_daughter/
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At 60 I'm now having the best sex of my life. So much better than 45, 30, or even 21.

Just don't tell my wife.  We live at number 84 and I think she might be a bit upset.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vr56p/at_60_im_now_having_the_best_sex_of_my_life_so/
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How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vr4jj/how_do_farmers_party/
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"Sir, you have to stop masturbating."

"Why doctor ?"
"Because I have to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vr08p/sir_you_have_to_stop_masturbating/
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Man, I really want a Tesla Roadster...

But the price keeps skyrocketing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vqy2z/man_i_really_want_a_tesla_roadster/
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Ruth is the only person that i show mercy to

If i didn't have her, I'd be completely Ruthless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vqvcy/ruth_is_the_only_person_that_i_show_mercy_to/
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The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.
"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."
"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."
"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"
"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."
"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."
"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"
"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
"Who was that?"
"My son."
*gasp* "The doctor??"
"No, the other one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vqu2n/the_first_jewish_president_of_the_united_states/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a man playing chess with his dog.

"Dear goodness! I've never seen such a thing in my life. That dog must be incredibly smart."
"Not really. He loses 9 out of every 10 games."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vqrsa/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_man_playing/
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Friends are like snowflakes

If you pee on them they go away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vqpnl/friends_are_like_snowflakes/
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A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam go golfing...

The imam tees off first. He completely shanks the drive. "Fuck!" he screams, "I missed!" The priest turns to the imam and says "My friend, you must watch you language. If you continue to swear God will rain his wrath upon you". The others tee off without further incident.
On the fairway, the imam lines up for another shot. Sure enough, he mangles his shot and ends up in the rough. "Fuck!" he yells, "I missed!". The priest starts getting a little hot under the collar. "My esteemed friend," he begins sternly, "You must watch your language, or God will show his wrath!" The others take their shots and move on.
Eventually the imam gets his ball on to the green while managing to refrain from any further swearing. He lines up for the 2 foot putt and stares with concentration on the hole. He putts the ball and misses by 5 feet.  "Fuck!" he shouts, "I missed!"
There is a clap of thunder and a lightning bolt hits the imam dead on, leaving a charred pile of bones. The priest and rabbi look at each other askance. Eventually however, they decide to play on and move to the next hole.
The rabbi lines up his drive and hits a beautiful 250 yard shot - straight into the water. "Fuck!" exclaims the rabbi, "I missed!" The priest motions frantically to the rabbi. "Rabbi! You must control your tongue or God will strike you down!" They move to the fairway.
The rabbi pulls out his iron and promptly hits a divet while managing to graze the ball and losing a stroke. The rabbi is livid. "Fuck!" he rages, "I missed!" The priest gets worked up as well. "Rabbi! Stop swearing or God will strike you down!" The rabbi gets himself back under control and both the rabbi and the priests manage to get on to the green.
The rabbi lines up his putt, a nice straight line with no break. Softly he taps the ball, and the ball rolls ever so slowly towards the whole, but stops on right on the cusp. The rabbi can't take it. "Fuck," he exclaims, "I missed!"
There is a clap of thunder and a lightning bolt hits the priest dead on, leaving a charred pile of bones.
A heavenly voice emanates from within the clouds, "Fuck. I missed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vqm5r/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_an_imam_go_golfing/
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A couple driving home run over a badger.....

they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.
Husband says "put it between your legs and warm it up".
Wife replies "but it's all wet and it stinks".
Husband replies "well hold the badgers fucking nose then"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vqf9t/a_couple_driving_home_run_over_a_badger/
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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vqdq3/a_man_wakes_up_after_a_heavy_night_of_drinking_to/
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The worst thing about political jokes

Is that sometimes they get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vqcip/the_worst_thing_about_political_jokes/
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Nate the Wonder Dog [Very Long]

An engineer was working on a project to create a man-made floating island. He had been part of this project from its inception, and during its long development, he had risen in influence becoming one of the lead engineers on the project. During all this time, he had met his beautiful wife and had become the father of a wonderful child named Timmy. He loved his family very much, but his identity was in this project. He would see it through, unlike those before him. After a decade and a half of sweating every detail, building working models, and constructing the base of the island, the time had come to set sail on the floating city, the largest man-made vehicle in history.
He was one of the first people to move onto the island, in the developed area near the center. He would visit home from time to time, but overall he trusted his wife with the task of raising his son.  He thought about backing out, but in his mind it was too late. He only hoped he could keep his family together.
He could not. He came home to divorce papers. He could hardly blame her for leaving but was nevertheless angry over how she clearly desired to hurt him. She took much of his wealth and was never seen again. This left the engineer with a dilemma: he was more invested than ever in the project, but he had a son to raise. His colleagues encouraged him to take a smaller role on the team and move off the island, but he could not do it. He would be on the island when it was finished. Timmy, his son, would join him on the island. Anyway, he'd be done with his part in the relatively near future, so there was no reason in his mind to give up his position.
This did Timmy no favors. He had gotten to that age where he'd started to make distinct friends, his first network, and he was torn away from that. The people on the island were sympathetic to his predicament, but there was little they could do to help. They were adult engineers. Timmy had little interest in their activities. They also did their best to keep him safe.
In the center of the island, there was a valve used to regulate water flow through the center of the island. There was a pool in the center, which was the recreational hub of the entire island. It also served another purpose. To reduce turbulence during storms among other things, water could be allowed to fill a central pool. Because they were not using it recreationally, and they were not in turbulent waters (they remained somewhat close to land for the construction), the pool remained empty, making it a simple matter to walk up to this valve. When the island was to be finished, the valve would be operated by a computerized system, but at this point it was operated by a large, red lever to be operated only by professionals.
The adults told Timmy the same thing over and over: "Don't touch that lever. Don't touch the lever, or you could sink the island. Don't even THINK about touching that red lever." They would tell him in the middle of recreation or fun. He felt like the grown-ups cared a lot more about the island than about him. He grew disinterested in their company and resentful of his father. Instead of humoring them, he became an imaginative boy and lived in his own thoughts most of the time.
His father sensed his son's resentment toward him, and it broke his heart. He thought quite a lot about leaving the island, but it seemed too late now. He was here to stay. That being said, outside of leaving, he would do anything to please his kid.
Everything changed when Timmy came home one day. He ran into their suburban home and shouted, "Daddy! I met a friend today! I met a friend, and his name is Nate." His father asked if he could meet this Nate. "He's in the garage," his son said nonchalantly.
To the engineer's great surprise, in his garage was a wild-looking dog. It was a mutt so thoroughly interbred, one could not decipher the breeds at play. It moved its head erratically. It was lean about the belly. It had no tags or labels. Timmy must have named it. It looked like a street dog. The engineer was taken aback by this because there were no animals allowed on the island. "How the heck did you get here?" he said to Nate. Nate foamed at the mouth a little. The dog appeared sickly. A contagious illness could do very bad things on an isolated ship. He knew he ought to shoot the dog before it was too late.
But that was impossible. His son had taken such an instant liking to it. It already had a name. He couldn't remember ever seeing Timmy this happy. He could hardly remember ever seeing Timmy happy at all. A supply ship would be there in five days. They could take Nate back to land. He told Timmy he had five days with Nate before he had to go away. He also told Timmy that the dog must stay in the garage and not be touched and that Timmy was to wash his hands if he were to break the second rule.
Nate's puzzling appearance lit up Timmy's well-trained imagination. He figured that the only way Nate could have come to this water-borne limbo was by flying through the air like Superman. Nate must have known that he needed a friend and flown through the sky to lift his spirits. Nate coughed up foam. Timmy was very grateful. Nate the Wonder Dog. He was the smartest dog in the whole world. He could fly from place to place. His barks could tear through walls. He helped kids and stopped criminals. He was immune to both bullets and loneliness. Nate rolled over.
Timmy relayed this fantasy to his father over and over again. It was killing his father inside. The dog appeared more and more sickly. He wouldn't kill it now. It was too late. Throughout his life, the engineer had always felt he was too late. He regretted never having done what he had to. The night before the beast was to go away, the engineer awoke to noise coming from the garage. He leaped out of bed. Timmy was in the garage. His son explained that an enclosed area like a garage was no place for a flying dog. They were to go exploring together before they were forced apart.
But the moment he had a path, Nate bolted from the garage, running mad. He bolted at an ungodly speed toward the dried-up pool. Toward the red water-control lever. The engineer knew what he had to do. He ran upstairs and grabbed the shotgun. Timmy followed. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT'S MY FRIEND!" he screamed.
"He's going for the valve. He could sink the island." The engineer set his sights on the dog, approaching the red switch with no sign of diverting or slowing down.
"He's not gonna hit the lever, Dad!" Timmy was in a total panic.
"I have to be sure. I thought you said he was bulletproof."
"I DON'T KNOW!"
He'd said the wrong thing. He'd have to live with that. At this moment there was one thing left to do. One thing he had to do before it was too late. The dog was only about ten feet away now. The engineer took in a fluttery breath and squeezed the trigger. He whispered to himself,
"Better Nate than lever."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vqc24/nate_the_wonder_dog_very_long/
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If I spank Dwayne Johnson...

does that mean I hit Rock bottom?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vq9r9/if_i_spank_dwayne_johnson/
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As one door closes, another opens...

I really wish I'd followed the instructions building this wardrobe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vq4a0/as_one_door_closes_another_opens/
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A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other on a plane

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vq0rs/a_mormon_and_an_irishman_were_seated_next_to_each/
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Why did the manager of the doughnut factory quit her job?

She got fed up with the hole business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vq0o6/why_did_the_manager_of_the_doughnut_factory_quit/
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For the English majors

I'd rather cuddle, then have sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vpwlh/for_the_english_majors/
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"Son, what would happen if neither team won the Super Bowl?"

"It's a Tide ad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vpu1u/son_what_would_happen_if_neither_team_won_the/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vprwf/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80_years/
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"Hey teacher, have you seen that block of Sodium?"

Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vplb8/hey_teacher_have_you_seen_that_block_of_sodium/
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Prime Ministers Day

I was eating breakfast with my teenage daughter and I asked her,
"What special day is it in Canada tomorrow?" .
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Prime Minister's Day!" .
She's smart, so I asked her "What does Prime Minister's Day mean?" .
I was waiting for something about the Trudeau’s or Harper etc.
She replied, "Prime Minister's Day is when the Prime Minister steps out of the Prime Minister's Mansion, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vpfd6/prime_ministers_day/
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What do you call a Chicken staring at a lettuce?

Chicken Sees a Salad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vp5r0/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_staring_at_a_lettuce/
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A pirate walked into a bar

and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.
What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'
Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'
Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'
Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'
Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?'
Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vp1uo/a_pirate_walked_into_a_bar/
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A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm...

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.
“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.
“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7voykb/a_farm_worker_greets_josef_stalin_at_his_potato/
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So apparently I've stopped drinking.

I never wanted to.  I made a drinking game where every time someone posted an original joke to r/jokes I would have a drink.  I've been sober for 8 years now :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vow2h/so_apparently_ive_stopped_drinking/
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I bought a dog from the local blacksmith

as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7voq43/i_bought_a_dog_from_the_local_blacksmith/
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The gene pool recently got cleaner,

it was a tide add all along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7voo7n/the_gene_pool_recently_got_cleaner/
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I wish my hair was like an emo kid

So, it would cut itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vokrp/i_wish_my_hair_was_like_an_emo_kid/
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Stay away from uncle Bob

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket..”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched..”
“Very good!” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was little Johnny's turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Uncle Bob who was a flight engineer in the war and him plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Uncle Bob drank the whisky on the way down to prepare himself; then he landed right in the middle of a 100 enemy soldiers.
He killed 70 of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then bit the last ten to death.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”
“Stay away from Uncle Bob when he’s drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7voege/stay_away_from_uncle_bob/
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After all my previous failures I've decided that I won't let this happen again and I will train like I've never trained before!!!

Choo! Choooooooooo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vodvw/after_all_my_previous_failures_ive_decided_that_i/
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Old Woman and Cowboy

An old woman prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. The old woman headed straight for the only saloon to clear her parched throat.
She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. as she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger (cowboy) stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying “hey” old woman have you ever danced”
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “no, I never did dance… never really wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet.
The old woman prospector – not wanting to get her toe blown off -started hopping around. everybody was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. the crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. the silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “no maam… but… i’ve always wanted to.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vod0r/old_woman_and_cowboy/
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Freudian Slip...

A guy sits in his seat on an airplane, red-faced, and turns to the guy next to him. "Oh man. I just made the worst Freudian slip. The ticket agent was really well-endowed and instead of asking her for a ticket to Pittsburg, I asked her for a picket to tittsburg. So embarrassing!"
The guy he's sitting next to says, "Hey buddy. I'm right there with you. This morning I'm sitting at breakfast with my wife, and instead of saying, 'Honey, could you please pass the cream', I say, 'You fucking bitch, you ruined my life.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7voa6j/freudian_slip/
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Trump and Obama - oldie but goldie

It's time for Obama to step down. As a final duty Obama gives Trump the combination to the office safe and tells him, "There are three envelopes in there labelled "1", "2", and "3". If you end up in trouble, open envelope "1". He says his goodbyes and rides off into the sunset.
A couple of weeks go by with nothing amiss. And, then it happens. Trump completely screws up to the point that there is simply no graceful recovery. He remembers the safe, dials the combination, and prays that there is some type of sage advice or wisdom that will help him through this event. He rips open envelope "1".
It has a single sheet of paper with a single sentence written on it. "It is not too late to blame your predecessor."
So, he explains to Congress, "Something awful has happened. It seems that Obama may have left some cracks in the process and, I've stumbled right into one."
"Well, these things happen," they told him. "Learn from it and document it and make sure it doesn't happen again."
More months go by and Trump thinks he is making great things happen and then disaster strikes again.  He wastes no time in opening the safe and grabbing envelope "2".
Inside is a single sheet of paper and printed on it is one sentence. "It's still not too late to blame your predecessor."
He contacts his press secretary,  and plays the same card as before. "I've hit a roadblock. It's almost like Obama had set it as a trap for me. And, boy, did it work. Almost too well."
He got told by everybody the same thing he did last time. "Mistakes happen. Learn from it and let's make sure it doesn't happen again."
More months go by without a stumble or a hitch when all hell breaks loose. Trump doesn't even bother trying to fix it and just goes straight to the safe to be reassured. He opens envelope number "3".
Inside is a single sheet of paper with a single sentence. "Prepare three envelopes for the safe and number them "1", "2", and "3"."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vo859/trump_and_obama_oldie_but_goldie/
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A broken clock is right twice a day.

Which makes it more accurate than economists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vo4a6/a_broken_clock_is_right_twice_a_day/
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Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vo34l/trumpets_and_guns/
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How do you know that your dog loves you more than your wife?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a few hours and your real bestfriend will be the one happy to see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vo2pt/how_do_you_know_that_your_dog_loves_you_more_than/
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"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vo20y/mom_dont_freak_out_but_im_in_the_hospital/
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What happens when you mix too much alcohol with too many drugs?

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vo16s/what_happens_when_you_mix_too_much_alcohol_with/
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Why was the 1 year old African kid depressed?

He was facing a mid-life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vnzo9/why_was_the_1_year_old_african_kid_depressed/
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Mary Magdalene is about to be stoned for adultry

Just as the crowd was about to start throwing rocks, Jesus walks up and says "let him who is without sin cast the first stone." Nobody moves, but then a stone comes flying out from the crowd and hits Mary right in the face. Jesus turns to see who threw the stone and says "I told you not to bother me when I'm working mother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vnxdr/mary_magdalene_is_about_to_be_stoned_for_adultry/
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Two prostitutes were walking down the road. One asked "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other said,

"No but I've been twirled by my tits before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vnp14/two_prostitutes_were_walking_down_the_road_one/
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In the 1800's...

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe...A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian. They are all taken in front of the chief. The chief is furious that they trespassed on the scared ancestral burial land but says they would have one chance to redeem themselves. Next day at noon they are taken into a ravine. The chief points into the sky where an eagle is soaring in circles high above. The chief says, you must first take a shot of the fire water then take a bow and a single arrow. If you can shoot down the eagle, you’ll live....if not....etc...
So the Frenchman takes a fist crack at it, takes the shot, picks up the bow....shoots....misses. He’s taken away.
The Englishman is up next, he takes his time sipping the firewater, then slowly raises the bow into the air.....aims......aims.......and still missed the bird. He’s taken away.
The Russian drinks the shot....kind of liked it, then asks the chief if he could have more? Amused, the chief says....sure have as much as you want. The Russian ends up drinking all the firewater the tribe had. Finally he picks up the bow and takes a shot.....hitting the eagle right through the heart!
The entire tribe is standing there frozen in sheer bewilderment. How did you do that? They asked. So the Russian goes, every time I drank a few shots there were more and more of those stupid birds up there.....by the time I was done drinking there were so many I practically couldn’t miss!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vnnnc/in_the_1800s/
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My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Her malpractice suit isn't going so well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vndx8/my_mom_says_that_the_best_way_to_a_mans_heart_is/
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What do you call the Reddit version of a reblog?

r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vncz6/what_do_you_call_the_reddit_version_of_a_reblog/
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What do you call a 350-pound stripper?

Broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vnaex/what_do_you_call_a_350pound_stripper/
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What scares a caterpillar?

A dog-erpillar! (From a 3rd grader at dismissal yesterday!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vna9c/what_scares_a_caterpillar/
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There are 3 kinds of people in this world

Those who are good at math and those who aren't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vn7jk/there_are_3_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
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So SpaceX is launching the Falcon Heavy Today...

Too bad it isn't carrying the stock market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vn6re/so_spacex_is_launching_the_falcon_heavy_today/
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In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe

...A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian. They are all taken in front of the chief. The chief is furious that they trespassed on the scared ancestral burial land but says they would have one chance to redeem themselves. Next day at noon they are taken into a ravine. The chief points into the sky where an eagle is soaring in circles high above. The chief says, you must first take a shot of the fire water then take a bow and a single arrow. If you can shoot down the eagle, you’ll live....if not....etc...
So the Frenchman takes a fist crack at it, takes the shot, picks up the bow....shoots....misses. He’s taken away.
The Englishman is up next, he takes his time sipping the firewater, then slowly raises the bow into the air.....aims......aims.......and still missed the bird. He’s taken away.
The Russian drinks the shot....kind of liked it, then asks the chief if he could have more? Amused, the chief says....sure have as much as you want. The Russian ends up drinking all the firewater the tribe had. Finally he picks up the bow and takes a shot.....hitting the eagle right through the heart!
The entire tribe is standing there frozen in sheer bewilderment. How did you do that? They asked. So the Russian goes, every time I drank a few shots there were more and more of those stupid birds up there.....by the time I was done drinking there were so many I practically couldn’t miss!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vn6pw/in_the_early_1800s_three_explorers_are_captured/
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Dad bought me an escort for my 18th birthday!

I was a little disappointed when she turned out to be old, smelled terrible and was filfthy. She definitely had a ton of experience but she was very rusty.
I asked Dad to get his money back, I don't like Fords.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vn3ks/dad_bought_me_an_escort_for_my_18th_birthday/
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When is it okay to punch a dwarf?

When they stand next to your SO and say their hair smells nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vn2fq/when_is_it_okay_to_punch_a_dwarf/
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Why does leather armour help the wearer be stealthy?

Because it's made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vmxak/why_does_leather_armour_help_the_wearer_be/
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Why does a socialist only drink Herbal Tea?

Because Proper Tea is theft.
(This might be the most British joke I know).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vmv6v/why_does_a_socialist_only_drink_herbal_tea/
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Eminem, 50 Cent and Andre from Outkast get together to produce a new single.

50 Cent says, 'I'll make the beat.'
Eminem says, 'I'll release it on my label and deal with the promo.'
Andre says, 'I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vmulv/eminem_50_cent_and_andre_from_outkast_get/
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What's sauce for the goose......

A family was at the dinner table when the son asked his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answered, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman’s are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s, 40s, and 50s, they are like pears: still nice, but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, “Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiled and answered, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree: mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s, and 50s, it is like a birch: flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes. The tree is dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vmu2l/whats_sauce_for_the_goose/
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My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vmtjp/my_first_highschool_football_game_was_a_lot_like/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vmt8v/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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Two beers sitting in a bar.

Full beer turns to the empty one and says, "come on, let's go home. You drivin'?"
"na" the empty one replies, "Im drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vms9c/two_beers_sitting_in_a_bar/
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It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...

...just to ask me what time it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vmpkl/it_is_funny_how_my_wife_waits_for_me_in_the/
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I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vmks3/i_brought_my_dead_girlfriend_back_to_life_by/
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Why are North Korean Figure Skaters so good?

It's all about the Execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vmkk4/why_are_north_korean_figure_skaters_so_good/
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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mothers."

I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold.
What the hell is she talking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vmjff/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_saying/
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John took his blind date to the carnival and asked her, "What would you like to do first, Kim?" She replied, "I want to get weighed!" and they ambled over to the weight guesser...

He guessed 120 pounds and when she got on the scale, it read 117, so she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris wheel and when the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed!" she said and back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight and John lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed!" she responded.
By this time, John figured she was really weird, took her home early and dropped her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura! It was wousy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vmizf/john_took_his_blind_date_to_the_carnival_and/
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Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not c?

Because you can't see in the dark.
Ba-dum-tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vmilg/why_is_dark_spelled_with_a_k_and_not_c/
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USSR Joke Adapted For 2018

On a tour of Washington D.C. a young man lags behind the tour group to take a longer look at the White House. However, he was quite upset with the President and in a moment of anger he shouts across the lawn "The President is a disgusting pig". As he turns to walk away the D.C. police quickly arrest the man and he is taken before a judge. The Judge takes a cursory glance at the charges and sentences the man to 4 years in prison. In disbelief he yells to the judge "I didn't know insulting the President was a crime". The Judge lowers his glasses and says "Insulting the President isn't a crime, but revealing state secrets is".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vmfm9/ussr_joke_adapted_for_2018/
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My nan's cat died last week, and I wanted to do something a bit special for her to remember him by.

So I called up a local taxidermist.
"How much to have my nan's cat stuffed and on a wooden plinth, pouncing on a terrified mouse?" I asked.
"About £1,500," came the reply.
"FFFFifteen **hundred** quid?! That's a bit steep, how about curled up like he's sleeping peacefully?"
"About a grand for that," came the reply.
"Still too much, what can you do for a hundred?" I asked.
"Hmm," said the taxidermist, "would you say your nan has a healthy sense of humour?"
"I guess so …"
"Tell you what," said the taxidermist, "I've got an apprentice just starting, if you don't mind us using the carcass for training then I'll do you a special on what we in the trade call a shoulder mount that you can hang up on your nan's wall above the fireplace, for £100. You know, so it'll look a bit like something she bagged on safari."
I reluctantly agreed, and this morning I went to the workshop to collect the remains of poor Tiddles.
Imagine my shock when I saw the result. There was Tiddle's rear end, tail up, mounted on a wooden plaque.
"Look," said the taxidermist apologetically, "Things didn't quite go as planned, so I'll let you have this one for free."
I was fuming. "Didn't go as planned? That's an understatement. This is a cat ass trophy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vmc32/my_nans_cat_died_last_week_and_i_wanted_to_do/
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A family of cockroaches has been traveling up and down the Vegas strip for several months.

Their time was spent visiting the many hotels and resorts that Vegas has to offer.
They only stayed at each hotel for a few weeks before moving on, because they didnt want to attract the attention of exterminators. However, by the third month of this nomadic lifestyle, the parent roaches started disagreeing on what their next move was.
Mother cockroach- “well honey, I really do think we should keep moving! traveling this much isn’t good for the kids! how do you think they feel, having to switch roach schools every few weeks?!”
papa roach- “this is my last resort”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vm5td/a_family_of_cockroaches_has_been_traveling_up_and/
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Smoking will kill you and bacon will kill you...

But smoking bacon is a cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vm2m9/smoking_will_kill_you_and_bacon_will_kill_you/
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Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but they don't have any matches or lighters,

So they threw a cigarette down to make the boat a cigarette lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vm29e/three_guys_are_on_a_boat_with_four_cigarettes_but/
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A bunch of men are trapped on a cannibal island...

In order to survive, the cannibals tell them to find food for the tribe and come back.
The first guy comes back with an apple. The cannibals tell him to shove it up his ass without laughing, and he will be free.
He fails, is killed, and goes to heaven.
The second guy comes back with two blueberries. He too attempts the same task, but at the last moment he giggles and is killed.
The two meet in heaven, and the first guy asks the second,"Why did you laugh? yours was so easy!"
Then the second guy replied,"The last guy came back with three pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vm14h/a_bunch_of_men_are_trapped_on_a_cannibal_island/
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A guy is driving around Manchester and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vm0gp/a_guy_is_driving_around_manchester_and_he_sees_a/
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I accidentally farted into the face of child whilst in the elevator

It was wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vlzsq/i_accidentally_farted_into_the_face_of_child/
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What is an alcoholic ghosts' favorite thing?

Boos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vlv55/what_is_an_alcoholic_ghosts_favorite_thing/
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How did the swordsman kill the joke?

By repeatedly riposting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vlpwy/how_did_the_swordsman_kill_the_joke/
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A man brought home a lie detector.

He told his family: "This robot will slap anyone that tells a lie."
&nbsp;
During dinner,
Dad: "How was school, son?"
Son: "It was nice, we had to write an essay."
The robot slapped the son.
&nbsp;
Son: "Ok, I skipped school to go to a friend's house."
The robot slapped the son again.
&nbsp;
Son: "Fine! I went to a whorehouse!"
The robot did not do anything, but the dad was shocked.
Dad: "How could you? When I was your age I didn't even know what was a whorehouse!"
The robot slapped the dad.
&nbsp;
The mum, who was angry at first, couldn't help but laugh and said, "Well, he is your son after all!"
Then the robot slapped the mum.
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vlnx9/a_man_brought_home_a_lie_detector/
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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vlm4g/two_boys_were_arguing_when_the_teacher_entered/
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My grandfather was a Grammar Nazi

I'm getting really tired of listening to his antisemantic rants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vllq8/my_grandfather_was_a_grammar_nazi/
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What's blue and not heavy at all?

Light blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vlkdk/whats_blue_and_not_heavy_at_all/
%
What's in the air that makes women pregnant?

Their legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vlij7/whats_in_the_air_that_makes_women_pregnant/
%
I started a help group for people with erectile dysfunction

Nobody came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vlgg7/i_started_a_help_group_for_people_with_erectile/
%
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $6,244??? $5,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $3,782 for anyway?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vlcjp/a_boy_asked_his_bitcoininvesting_dad_for_1/
%
What did the communist say to his co-worker?

Quit Stalin and start Lenin me a hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vla5d/what_did_the_communist_say_to_his_coworker/
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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vl3o1/what_did_the_buddhist_say_to_the_hot_dog_vendor/
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What do you get when you mix a gullible and an optimistic person

Read it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vl3ii/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_gullible_and_an/
%
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.
A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vl3ef/jesus_moses_and_an_old_man_go_golfing/
%
Choose a new password:

potato
Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.
boiled potato
Sorry, password must contain at least one number.
1 boiled potato
Sorry, password cannot contain spaces
50fuckingboiledpotatoes
Sorry, password must contain capital letters.
50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes
Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.
IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.
NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account. Choose a new password :

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vky4m/choose_a_new_password/
%
Don't know about you guys but I invested in Crypto and I'm laughing all the way to the bank

^^where ^^I ^^will ^^keep ^^my ^^money ^^from ^^now ^^on..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vky2q/dont_know_about_you_guys_but_i_invested_in_crypto/
%
Did you hear? Gaston won an award!

He won the No Belle prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vkwnc/did_you_hear_gaston_won_an_award/
%
Why was the student's report card wet?

Because it was below C level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vkwia/why_was_the_students_report_card_wet/
%
My Bill Cosby impression isn’t that entertaining.

It puts everyone to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vkwbk/my_bill_cosby_impression_isnt_that_entertaining/
%
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer

were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
“What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
He said, “Hello George, Wha’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.” The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vkt6u/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer/
%
When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vkqt0/when_cops_arrest_a_clinically_insane_person/
%
Personally, I'm fed up with LOL, ROFL, and LMAO.

I say we ban all acronyms in the U.S.A.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vkn99/personally_im_fed_up_with_lol_rofl_and_lmao/
%
If I had a penny for every crashing crypto,

I would have a bitcoin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vkk3q/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_crashing_crypto/
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In the famous words of Bob Ross: There’s no such thing as mistakes, only happy little accidents...

Unless your “little accident” is diagnosed with chronic depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vkfab/in_the_famous_words_of_bob_ross_theres_no_such/
%
What do you call an Owl taking a bath?

... A moist owlette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vkdvs/what_do_you_call_an_owl_taking_a_bath/
%
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vkdpd/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
I like my shovels like I like my women..

I like my shovels like I like my women.
Sturdy. Dependable. Can help me bury a body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vkcea/i_like_my_shovels_like_i_like_my_women/
%
My wife and I have been arguing about hot liquids for weeks

But today, it all finally boiled over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vk7z6/my_wife_and_i_have_been_arguing_about_hot_liquids/
%
I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vk6fp/i_wish_i_knew_how_to_turn_off_my_carbon_monoxide/
%
What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirtbag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vjyzn/whats_the_difference_between_a_harley_and_a_hoover/
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A five year old and a four year old decide to start cursing

A five year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the five year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go down stairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you say "ass", okay?" The four year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five year old what he wants for breakfast, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.".....WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs bawling.
The mom looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I'm not sure," he says, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vjflz/a_five_year_old_and_a_four_year_old_decide_to/
%
What do you call a toxic work environment?

A staff infection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vjfit/what_do_you_call_a_toxic_work_environment/
%
Jesus said 'Love they neighbour'...

but one of the ten commandments is 'thou shalt not sleep with thy neighbour's wife', so this puts me in a bit of a predicament.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vja67/jesus_said_love_they_neighbour/
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What do you call someone who sells themselves for spaghetti?

A pasta-tute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vj2dx/what_do_you_call_someone_who_sells_themselves_for/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.
Germans are efficient and have no sense of humor. Alternatively, none. The lightbulb should never die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7viwyo/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Last weekend, I tried throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants...

But nobody came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vivwe/last_weekend_i_tried_throwing_an_orgy_for_people/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vinlp/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
How do statisticians cook their meat?

Median rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vilzk/how_do_statisticians_cook_their_meat/
%
why do i make infinite squiggly lines?

cos i can. it would be a sin not to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vilx2/why_do_i_make_infinite_squiggly_lines/
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A large discussion is held about a car manufacturer coaxing young Mr. Bating while he pleasures himself.

Mass debating Mazda bating masturbating Master Bating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vijot/a_large_discussion_is_held_about_a_car/
%
Life is like a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you are hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vijkr/life_is_like_a_bowl_of_soup/
%
Have you guys heard of the king that was only a foot tall?

He was a 12 inch ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vijg9/have_you_guys_heard_of_the_king_that_was_only_a/
%
When the Thought Police start making arrests...

...will they capture the imagination of the public?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vicv2/when_the_thought_police_start_making_arrests/
%
You know that feeling of deja vu?

I get it every time I visit r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vibrr/you_know_that_feeling_of_deja_vu/
%
They're coming out with a Dragon Ball Z for old people.

It's called Draggin' Balls Z

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vibe9/theyre_coming_out_with_a_dragon_ball_z_for_old/
%
The secret to a long life..

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vi9og/the_secret_to_a_long_life/
%
Why don’t I wear a watch?

Because it’s a timeless look.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vi79s/why_dont_i_wear_a_watch/
%
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two buses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in my community, they recognize me by my face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vi6re/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_very_good_friends_so/
%
A man gets pulled over

Frustrated, he reaches for the insurance and registration as the cop slowly approaches the vehicle. The man then starts to reach for his wallet when he realizes he doesn’t have his seat belt on. With a quick look in the rear view mirror he quickly puts his seatbelt on as he gets out his wallet just in time to hear the cop say, “License, registration and insurance please.” The man hands these to the cop and waits. After checking everything out the cop returns and says, “The reason I stopped you was because you were speeding however I’m also going to fine you for not wearing your seatbelt as well.”
Ok I probably was speeding the man replied but as you can see I have my seatbelt on so I shouldn’t be fined for that. This dispute went back and forth when finally the cop stops him and says to the woman sitting silently in the passenger seat, “Ma’am you look like an honest person so tell me did he have his seatbelt on or not?” To which she replied, “Sorry officer but I don’t argue with him when he’s been drinking and I suggest that you don’t either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vhzpp/a_man_gets_pulled_over/
%
The difference if you marry an Australian girl...

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. His arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vhy9k/the_difference_if_you_marry_an_australian_girl/
%
What do you call a 15th century Renaissance painter who is also a crab?

Leonardo da Pinci

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vhwun/what_do_you_call_a_15th_century_renaissance/
%
Don't do the helicopter!

It's a dick move

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vhwpl/dont_do_the_helicopter/
%
I realized why Scandanavians are the fastest runners in the world...

...all their races start near the Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vhpwf/i_realized_why_scandanavians_are_the_fastest/
%
A mathematician, physicist, and a statistician go to a shooting range.

The three want to find out who is the best shot, so they decide to have a contest. Each competitor gets two shots, and the most accurate shooter wins.
They take their targets down range, and the mathematician goes first. He calculates how long it would take for the bullet to reach the target based on the speed of the bullet and distance to the target. Only after missing twice did he realize this didn't give him any of the answers he needed.
The physicist goes second, and he rolls in a huge whiteboard. He calculates for every single variable, from his breathing to the length of the gun to the imperfections in the bullet and the amount of gunpowder. After hours and hours of calculations, he finds his answer! He decides to celebrate by going out for a drink before heading home. The next day, he realizes he forgot to actually shoot the gun. He aims, halts his breathing, and *slowly* squeezes down on the trigger...
The gun jams.
The statistician shrugs before stepping up, aiming, and hastily firing. His bullet just hardly grazes the top left corner of the target. Unfazed, he readjusts and fires again, this time hitting the very bottom right corner of the target. He drops his gun and jumps about in elation. "Yes! Bull's eye!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vhoqn/a_mathematician_physicist_and_a_statistician_go/
%
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.

The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?”
“I don’t know, some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vhn75/a_married_couple_is_sleeping_when_the_phone_rings/
%
A bear and a rabbit uncover a magic lamp.

A bear is looking for honey in a big, old tree when he spots something mysterious down in a hole. After a whole lot of struggling he finally asks a rabbit if he could help retrieve the thing.
So with a little wiggling and waggling the rabbit drags out from the tree a tarnished and weathered oil lamp almost as big as he. Rabbit and Bear stand about it, perplexed, wondering what it is and what to do with it. It is clearly metal, and you could almost make out a reflection, and as such, rabbit leans in to polish it with his fur to see whether he can see his reflection in it.
**POOF**
Suddenly appears a genie before the two animals, and thus he spoke, "Since you both have relieved me of my prison I shall grant each of you three wishes. Rabbit, since you did the honors, you may choose first." Both animals are dumbstruck, not quite sure what to think, but thrilled at the idea of being granted wishes.
So the rabbit begins, "I would like to be the fastest of all animals. Faster than all of the other rabbits, faster than the hawks and eagles and owls who would seek to eat me, and faster than the fox and the wolf and even the exotic cheetah so far away. I wish to be the fastest and most agile of animals."
**POOF**
The genie grants his wish. The rabbit appears almost more lithe, muscular but sinewy. He springs about with incredible speed and grins, satisfied with his choice.
The bear, however, erupts into laughter, "Ohhh-hahahaha! Stupid rabbit! You want to be fast?! Bahahaha - don't be silly. You might elude your predators for a time, but when you tire, they will crush you. Me? Genie! I wish to be bigger and stronger! Stronger than any other animal in the forest. I want to be looked upon as a king amongst animals!"
**POOF**
The bear seems to grow before the rabbits eyes, where the rabbit became strong and sinewy, the bear becomes bulging and titanic. His claws grow longer and stouter, his teeth greater, his muscles rippling under the fur, a terrible sight to behold indeed.
The rabbit, none-too-pleased at the bears condescension and one-upsmanship simply gives the bear a sidelong glance before turning to the genie once more, "Genie. I wish to have the perfect pair of goggles to fit me. While running, it is a nuisance to feel the wind sting in my eyes."
**POOF**
A pair of aviator goggles appears in the rabbits hands which the rabbit quickly looks over and responds with a shit-eating grin on his face. He dons the goggles for a quick test and pulls them back up to rest on his forehead, ready to be pulled down at a moments notice.
The bear sniggers softly, shaking his head as the genie turns to him, "Genie," the bear speaks, "I wish to be glorious, to have the most rugged, beautiful fur and the best scent, so that all the female bears will find me attractive."
**POOF**
The bears fur ruffles and seems to take on a beautiful shimmer in the sun, puffing out and ruffling in all the right ways. The rabbit turns away at the sudden eruption of the bear's potent musk while the bear stands erect, strutting and preening, pleased with himself, showing off to the world.
The rabbit is taken aback by the bears vanity, his mouth partially ajar, regarding the bear with squinted eyes, stunned that *that* is all the bear cares about. When the genie turns to the rabbit asking what his next wish will be the rabbit can only respond with one thing, "I need another moment."
So the genie turns back to the bear, "Since the rabbit needs some time, shall you make your last wish?"
"Of course!" replies the bear, "The third wish is the easiest one! I wish that all of the bears in the forest were only ever interested in mating with me!"
**POOF**
And that's when a smirk creeps across the rabbits face. The rabbit had caught something in the language the bear used that perhaps the bear had not. As the genie regards the rabbit he is already beginning, "I wish," the rabbit begins before pausing briefly to lower his goggles over his eyes, "... that the bear was gay."
And with lightning speed the rabbit sprints away faster than the bear can comprehend, even before the genie can fulfill the wish.
**POOF**
The rabbit hears, over the sound of wind rushing by, a ferocious roar from across the forest as he speeds away, laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vhknd/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_uncover_a_magic_lamp/
%
Communist jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vhgkw/communist_jokes_arent_funny/
%
i once turned down a job as a fog machine operator

it was a mist opportunity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vheud/i_once_turned_down_a_job_as_a_fog_machine_operator/
%
Hey girl, are you a white dwarf?

Because you're one of the hottest bodies in the observable universe. (It's only natural for a star)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vheil/hey_girl_are_you_a_white_dwarf/
%
Last night Philadelphia residents climbed light poles, flipped over cars, and set dumpsters on fire

Then things really got out of hand when they learned the Eagles won the Super Bowl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vhaif/last_night_philadelphia_residents_climbed_light/
%
The weather in Hell has been odd lately.

When the devil asked me what all these ice balls were, I told him "Hail, Satan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vh4eh/the_weather_in_hell_has_been_odd_lately/
%
I’ve googled “how to juggle” a million times...

I’ve just never had the balls to actually try it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vh26f/ive_googled_how_to_juggle_a_million_times/
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger gets a call from his agent...

Who tells him that an up-and-coming director is looking for German- and Austrian-born actors for a movie.
"It's a little different than the stuff you're known for," the agent says, "It's a period piece about classical music composers. Should I arrange an audition?"
"There is no need," Arnold says. "I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vgzky/arnold_schwarzenegger_gets_a_call_from_his_agent/
%
Tried to sue British Airways because they lost my luggage.

Turns out I didn't have a case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vgx4l/tried_to_sue_british_airways_because_they_lost_my/
%
I went to a Porn Addicts Anonymous meeting yesterday

What a bunch of jerk-offs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vgszv/i_went_to_a_porn_addicts_anonymous_meeting/
%
There was a kidnapping at my son's school today

but they woke him up in time for recess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vgrri/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_my_sons_school_today/
%
Why do gay people laugh a lot?

Because they can never keep a straight face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vgrhd/why_do_gay_people_laugh_a_lot/
%
An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

An orange a day keeps the plumber away...
Basically if you throw fruit at people they go away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vgr0g/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away/
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So I Submitted an Article to the School Newspaper

The article was written on the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. The article ended up being brought to the attention of the administrators. After about a month, the administration closed down the school due to "chemical risks." When the school reopened, it was disconnected from all water lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vgqds/so_i_submitted_an_article_to_the_school_newspaper/
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Have you found Jesus?

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,
‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’
‘Yes I am’ replies the drunk,
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
‘Brother, have you found Jesus?’
The drunk replies, ‘No, I haven’t.’
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.
He pulls him out of the water and asks again,
‘Have you found Jesus, my brother?’
The drunk again answers, ‘No, I have not found Jesus.’
By this time the preacher is at his wits’ end so he
Dunks the drunk in the water again, but this
Time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asks the drunk again,
‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vgh3c/have_you_found_jesus/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotoffpuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vg26e/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
If a man opens the car door for his wife you can be sure of one thing.

The car is new or she is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vg05p/if_a_man_opens_the_car_door_for_his_wife_you_can/
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This morning I was really tired, so I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
________________
Not really a joke, I just heard this years ago and it still makes me laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vfymu/this_morning_i_was_really_tired_so_i_made_my/
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My friend gave me a porno video.

When it put it in the player all it had was a blurred picture of some old, fat, bald guy naked and having a wank. I was fucking furious until I realised I had forgotten to turn on the TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vftxu/my_friend_gave_me_a_porno_video/
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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town.

One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
“Miss Fitzgerald”, he said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”
“Sure”, she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she’d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said,”Oi mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.”
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fluff.”
The landlord nodded and said, “Oh well, if you’re that far in, you might as well finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vfpwx/the_reverend_john_fluff_was_the_pastor_of_a_small/
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My doctor told me I should avoid trans fats

So I've just deleted my Tumblr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vflrf/my_doctor_told_me_i_should_avoid_trans_fats/
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A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?
Dad: Let's see it.
Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?
Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?
Dad: I have no idea.
Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):
It's a tie, dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vfiy6/a_trick_with_a_tie/
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There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand the ternary numeral system,
those who don’t,
and those who were expecting this to be a binary joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vfhkl/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vfevt/children_who_are_unvaccinated_are_less_likely_to/
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Childen are playing on a kindergarten playground with their tablets...

...and the teacher is sleeping on a bench. A lady walks by and wakes the teacher up: "Aren't you afraid that the children will run away and get lost?" asks the lady. "I'm not afraid at all," says the teacher, "the WiFi signal covers the playground only."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vfe9m/childen_are_playing_on_a_kindergarten_playground/
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What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

You drop 2 loads in a washing machine and it doesn't follow you around for a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vfcax/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a/
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on cliffhangers...

The librarian says;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vfaf9/a_man_goes_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
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I used to be interested in mains electricity when I was a kid...

... then, the interest would go away again.
Turns out, it was just a phase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vf9n9/i_used_to_be_interested_in_mains_electricity_when/
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Superbowl Commercial Concept

*Queue dark, stormy night*
"There comes a time when we must all step up for equality"
*Flash of civil rights marches, gay pride parades and protests in the middle east*
"A time when we cannot accept bigotry and hatred"
*Rain pours on multi-ethnic protesters linked arm in arm*
"A time to proclaim that an era of love and understanding is here"
*People celebrating good news outside the Supreme Court*
"Arm and Hammer Baking Soda, the choice of a new tomorrow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vf8yt/superbowl_commercial_concept/
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Classic church joke

An old couple was sitting in church when the wife says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband responded, "Change the batteries in your hearing aids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vf7qn/classic_church_joke/
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A Christian man ends up on a deserted island...

He is stranded there for a few years until a rescue boat finds him. When the rescuers get onto the island, they are amazed to see what the man has built to survive. The man had built three different structures out of bamboo and leaves. They asked the man what the first structure was. The man said,”That’s my house.” They then asked about the second structure. “That’s where I go to Church.” The man replied. Then they asked about the third structure. A scowl came over the mans face as he told the rescuers, “That’s where I used to go to Church.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vf4oj/a_christian_man_ends_up_on_a_deserted_island/
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I farted into my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vf19y/i_farted_into_my_wallet/
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I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he is not buying it, in fact he is still making fun of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vexof/i_tried_to_explain_to_my_4_year_old_son_that_its/
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Baby are you communist?

Because there is an uprising in my lower class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vesfv/baby_are_you_communist/
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A joke my little sister thought of today

A blue man lives in the blue house, a purple man lives in the purple house, a red man lives in the red house, who lives in the white house?
An orange man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7veqq5/a_joke_my_little_sister_thought_of_today/
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What do you call North Korean K-Pop?

Propaganda Style.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vep6h/what_do_you_call_north_korean_kpop/
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Did you hear about the science experiment where they successfully transferred human DNA into a dog?

They say the scientist spent too much time in the lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7venyr/did_you_hear_about_the_science_experiment_where/
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I'm 24 years old and still a virgin.

At least i'm above average at one thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ven5l/im_24_years_old_and_still_a_virgin/
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My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 am...

3 am can you believe this?
Lucky him that I was awake playing drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vek8v/my_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_at_3_am/
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I met a girl at a football game

I think she's a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vef0v/i_met_a_girl_at_a_football_game/
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Donald Trump and Barak Obama end up in the same barbershop

Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ved51/donald_trump_and_barak_obama_end_up_in_the_same/
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What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

"You're too young to smoke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vealg/what_did_the_big_chimney_say_to_the_little_chimney/
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The Pink Panther's to do list:

To do - to do - to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ve92c/the_pink_panthers_to_do_list/
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Why do words, phrases and punctuation keep ending up in court?

To be sentenced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ve7r1/why_do_words_phrases_and_punctuation_keep_ending/
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What did frequency say to noise?

Ouch! That hertz!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ve5vr/what_did_frequency_say_to_noise/
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6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8 ,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ve526/6_was_scared_of_7_because_7_8_9_but_why_did_7_eat/
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What do German coal workers and gay men have in common?

They're always entering mein shaft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ve41x/what_do_german_coal_workers_and_gay_men_have_in/
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As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, he came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ve20c/as_the_animals_left_the_ark_noah_told_them_to_go/
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An original.

The casting of the movie Grease was a slow process. They'd soon found their Sandy in Olivia Newton-John, but they just couldn't find someone to play Danny.
After weeks of Olivia reading lines with various actors and failing to have any chemistry with them the movie looked like it could be a flop until a casting agent bursts in.
'I've found our Danny' he cried.
Olivia replied, 'who is he?'
'John somebody, I can't remember his surname, but he says he knows you'
It was not much of a clue as Olivia knew ten John's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ve14i/an_original/
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*Tips fedora at mosquito*

M'laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vdzqz/tips_fedora_at_mosquito/
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Three old women were sitting on a park bench when a guy came up and flashed them.

The 1st had a stroke
The 2nd also had a stroke
The 3rd, being the weaker and feebler of the three, couldn't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vdz57/three_old_women_were_sitting_on_a_park_bench_when/
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A pun and a hyperbole walk into a bar.

As they enter, the hyperbole is frightened by a shifty looking non sequitur pacing outside the door. The pun just chuckles lightly and reassures the hyperbole (it can be a bit dramatic sometimes). They take their seats at the bar, and the hyperbole finally relaxes. For a moment it had seemed certain that the sketchy non sequitur was entering right behind them, but thankfully, it does not follow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vdpkn/a_pun_and_a_hyperbole_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a sea creature that doesn't waste time?

A-fish-in-sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vdolz/what_do_you_call_a_sea_creature_that_doesnt_waste/
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Man and Wife

Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vda9v/man_and_wife/
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A Pig Walks Into a Bar…

A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, "Would you like to know where the bathroom is?" "No," says the pig. "I'm the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vd9um/a_pig_walks_into_a_bar/
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Wife: I hate you. Get out, I never want to see you again!

I hope you have a long and miserable life.
Husband: Now I’m confused. Do you want me to stay or not?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vd7l8/wife_i_hate_you_get_out_i_never_want_to_see_you/
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Why can't dinosaurs clap?

'Cause they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vd642/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
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What did the pyromaniac say to the love of his life?

You're a perfect match

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vd28f/what_did_the_pyromaniac_say_to_the_love_of_his/
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Where did Jesus hide his alcoholism?

In his water bottle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vd1d4/where_did_jesus_hide_his_alcoholism/
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A man is shopping one day and see's the ugliest, fattest woman he's ever seen with her 2 boys

The woman notices him looking over at them and asks if there's something he's looking for.
"no, just noticed you with your twin boys. Not often you see twins" he replies
"oh, they're not twins but they do look similar" she remarks and notices the mans puzzled expression. "Is there something wrong that they're not twins?"
"No, I'm just more surprised someone actually had sex with you more than once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vd0fz/a_man_is_shopping_one_day_and_sees_the_ugliest/
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Do you know how the French came up with the word for helicopter?

Hey Look Up There!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vcw7a/do_you_know_how_the_french_came_up_with_the_word/
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When my wife got pregnant everything changed

My name, my address, my phone number...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vcvki/when_my_wife_got_pregnant_everything_changed/
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Why is the universe expanding?

Because it's trying to get the fuck away from Earth.
(Original, hope ya like it!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vcusf/why_is_the_universe_expanding/
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What's long, hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vcsjd/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
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Dads are like boomerangs

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vch36/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vcd6h/a_boy_and_his_dad_are_talking/
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My girlfriend and I have a complex relationship.

I'm the real part and she's the imaginary part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vccws/my_girlfriend_and_i_have_a_complex_relationship/
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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds
"Look Michael, look what I've made", said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth: "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to two small land masses and said: "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed: "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
To which God replied: "Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in Australia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vc6jh/once_upon_a_time_in_the_kingdom_of_heaven_god/
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I'm relieved the Patriots lost...

No patriot I know would ever beat an eagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vc0wz/im_relieved_the_patriots_lost/
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What do you get when you throw a bomb in the kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vc0rj/what_do_you_get_when_you_throw_a_bomb_in_the/
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Two Guys From Philly

Two guys from Philadelphia die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Philly, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"
Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Philly, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."
The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Philly and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Philadelphia, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 guys from Philadelphia . He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"
The 2 look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Eagles won the Super Bowl!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vbxt7/two_guys_from_philly/
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What did Tom Brady say when he lost the Superbowl?

Man, that Ertz...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vbw16/what_did_tom_brady_say_when_he_lost_the_superbowl/
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Poor children in African nations are really excited...

They're finally getting New England Patriot super bowl championship shirts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vbvde/poor_children_in_african_nations_are_really/
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What do you get when you punch Batman in the groin?

A Bruised Wang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vbqlw/what_do_you_get_when_you_punch_batman_in_the_groin/
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Did you hear about the gay high school football player?

Freshman year he was a tight end.
By senior year, he was a wide receiver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vbp1z/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_high_school_football/
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An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vbohm/an_israeli_tourist_on_a_visit_to_new_york_city/
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My friend started counting geodes three months ago, and now he's living under a highway overpass.

It's crazy how quickly crystal math can ruin your life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vboeh/my_friend_started_counting_geodes_three_months/
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I swallowed my money.

Just to be safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vbj8d/i_swallowed_my_money/
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Two men and a hooker

A hooker’s car breaks down and she goes to the nearby shop to fix it.
She meets two mechanic guys who tell her the price she can’t afford.
“I’ll pay you in sex” she says. “But you have to use condoms and don’t take it off or I’ll get pregnant”
The mechanics agree and they proceed to fix her car after. The woman drives happily away with her car fix
6months later...
The mechanic guys are at the shop and one of them says to another “hey remember that hooker we had sex with?”
The other guy says “yeah”
“Well I don’t know about you but I’m going to take this condom off already, who cares if she gets pregnant”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vbhl9/two_men_and_a_hooker/
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Two boys are walking in a forest.

One of them spots some rabbit poop.
"What is that?" He asks.
"It's a Smart-Pill," Says the other.
"If you eat it, you'll become smarter."
The boy who spotted the poop puts it in his mouth.
"This tastes like shit!" He yells in disgust.
"See? You're getting smarter already!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vbfal/two_boys_are_walking_in_a_forest/
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I really enjoyed this year's halftime performance.

I had enough time to take my dog for a decent walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vbekf/i_really_enjoyed_this_years_halftime_performance/
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A new comprehensive study found that only ~14.3% of dwarves are Happy

The study went on to show that the rest of them are Grumpy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, Sneezy, and Doc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vbd6z/a_new_comprehensive_study_found_that_only_143_of/
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My wife got me a mood ring for my birthday

...it turns green when I'm happy and leaves a red mark on her head when I'm mad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vbbuq/my_wife_got_me_a_mood_ring_for_my_birthday/
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I just got a lifetime ban for spreading my wife's remains around Disney World

Guess we should of had her cremated first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vb9tl/i_just_got_a_lifetime_ban_for_spreading_my_wifes/
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A guy asked a girl in a university library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" the girl shouted. All the students in the library started staring at the guy; hunching his head and ducking away, he retreated to a table in the corner of the library.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and smirked. "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
“$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH!” the guy shouted. All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law. I know how to screw people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vb9ax/a_guy_asked_a_girl_in_a_university_library_do_you/
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When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady...

Literally. He can’t catch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vb4z4/when_it_comes_to_trick_plays_you_have_to_hand_it/
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How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.
Germans aren't funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vax69/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Someone said that my pink shirt was gay

I replied, "Of course, it just came out of the closet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vawyp/someone_said_that_my_pink_shirt_was_gay/
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Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year

Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vawvn/tide_has_some_serious_ad_time_during_the/
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Son: "Dad whats a paradox?"

Dad: "When there's two doctors in a room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vawct/son_dad_whats_a_paradox/
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What's the difference between a master dater and a masturbator?

It's all about how you handle the "d".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7var3y/whats_the_difference_between_a_master_dater_and_a/
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What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vapyi/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_out_on/
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A married man for work one Friday...

A married man left work early one Friday,
but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his  case and stayed on it. After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?".....
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, out of the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vant7/a_married_man_for_work_one_friday/
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What's the difference between patriots, eagles, and Cheerios?

Cheerios belong in a Bowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vak98/whats_the_difference_between_patriots_eagles_and/
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Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book...

Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vahvh/yesterday_i_accidentally_sent_a_naked_picture_of/
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If shoe size really is directly related to the size of a man's package...

Then clowns are way scarier than we all thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vagrc/if_shoe_size_really_is_directly_related_to_the/
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A man takes his wife to the doctor.

The doctor examines her and tells him that she's either got Alzheimer's or HIV, he can't tell. The man asks for advice on what to do, the doctor tells him "Drive her out into the country and leave her there. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7vabqo/a_man_takes_his_wife_to_the_doctor/
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The Magician and the Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'
The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing.
Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing.
Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7va793/the_magician_and_the_parrot/
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A woman is out buying groceries...

She buys one apple, one banana, one small milk, a frozen meal for one and one cup of instant noodles. The cashier looks at her and says "So, I suppose you're single?" The woman looks away, blushing, and answers "Yes I am. How did you know?" The cashier replies "Because you are fucking ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7va5pd/a_woman_is_out_buying_groceries/
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I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can't tell whether it's 2B or not 2B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7va1ks/i_own_the_chewed_pencil_that_shakespeare_used_to/
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I told my wife that her new dress made her look broader.

"Are you saying I look fat!?" she said.
"Not at all, honey" I replied. "I meant it makes you look more like a broad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7va0qu/i_told_my_wife_that_her_new_dress_made_her_look/
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Just an Internet Explorer joke

loading...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v9z4i/just_an_internet_explorer_joke/
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A magic frog is hopping through a forest.

The forest is so big, he's not seen a single animal since he left his birthing puddle. One day he sees a bear chasing a rabbit and he stops them. "As you are the first living things I've seen in a long time, I will grant you each 3 wishes."
The rabbit takes a moment to think, but the bear blurts out "I wish all the other bears in this forest  were female!" And poof. All the other bears magically become female. The rabbit then asks for a crash helmet which, in a puff of smoke appears in his hands.
The bear then excitedly asks "make all the bears in the country women!" So the frog does. The rabbit then asks for a motorised scooter with infinite fuel which appears beneath him.
On his 3rd wish the bear can hardly contain himself as he shouts "make all the other bears in the world female!!" After a few moments of concentration, the frog nods and says it's done. The rabbit turns to the bear with a large grin on his face and says "I wish this bear was gay" as he speeds off on his scooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v9wel/a_magic_frog_is_hopping_through_a_forest/
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Wrong Email

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules together. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: August 14, 2017
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v9t40/wrong_email/
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Ass study

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY: There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. The remaining 60% say they don't care: they love him, he's a good man and that they wouldn't trade him for the world...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v9qj1/ass_study/
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I just saw the rapper Shaggy perform at the Super Bowl pre-game concert. In case you're wondering who invited him...

It wasn't me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v9qix/i_just_saw_the_rapper_shaggy_perform_at_the_super/
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A woman bent down

....to take a close look at a fine piece of jewelry in a jewelry store. In the process she vent out a fart. Embarrassed at that she looked around to see if anyone heard that.
A salesman was right behind her. She gathered her composure and in the hope he didn't notice her breaking the wind asked " What is the price for that necklace?"
The man smiled and said, "Just looking at it you let out a fart. If I tell you the price I am pretty sure you'll shit your pants".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v9pay/a_woman_bent_down/
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(Joke my 7 ear old brother made) What does a wrestler say when someone tells a bad joke?

You gotta work on your punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v9kgo/joke_my_7_ear_old_brother_made_what_does_a/
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What's the most popular book in Mexico?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v9jgj/whats_the_most_popular_book_in_mexico/
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What does the Fat Acceptance Movement lack?

An actual movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v9jaw/what_does_the_fat_acceptance_movement_lack/
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't workout? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v9gom/on_their_way_to_get_married_a_young_catholic/
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It's official! Reddit has the largest number of Ecologically sensitive people!

And in case any of you have doubts about it, the proof is in the fact this subreddit has tonnes of jokes recycled everyday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v9czm/its_official_reddit_has_the_largest_number_of/
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Whenever I’m stressed, I lay my head on my keyboard and scream.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v9c35/whenever_im_stressed_i_lay_my_head_on_my_keyboard/
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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work – not aware that her 9-year-old son is hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
“Dark in here,” the boy whispers.
“Yes, it is,” the man replies awkwardly.
“I have a baseball. Want to buy it?”
“No, thanks.”
“My dad’s outside.”
“Okay, how much?”
“$250.”
A few weeks later, the same thing happens, and the boy and the mom’s lover find themselves in the closet together.
“Dark in here.”
“Yes, it is.”
“I have a baseball glove. Want to buy it?”
“No, thanks.”
“I’ll tell.”
“How much?”
“$750.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
“I can’t,” the boy replies. “I sold them.”
“How much did you sell them for?” the dad asks.
“$1,000,” the boy proudly announces.
“That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that,” the father says, shocked. “That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
At church that Sunday, the father alerts the priest, makes his child sit in the confession booth, and closes the door.
“Dark in here,” the boy says.
The priest replies, “Don’t start that sh*t again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v97lu/a_woman_takes_a_lover_during_the_day_while_her/
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A cop is sitting on the side of the highway when all of a sudden he sees a guy driving a pickup truck full of penguins.

He pulls the truck over and tells the driver “What are you doing? You need to take these penguins to the zoo immediately.” The driver said OK. A few hours later, the truck passes again, still filled with penguins. The officer pulls the man over again, and says “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” The driver said “I did, and they loved it. Now we’re going to the movies!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v96ee/a_cop_is_sitting_on_the_side_of_the_highway_when/
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What do you call a baby owl in the rain?

A moist owlette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v92wq/what_do_you_call_a_baby_owl_in_the_rain/
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A man is standing in an elevator with a woman

He asks the woman, "can I smell your pussy?"
"Hell no, you creep" the woman replied
"Oh, must be your feet then"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v8utm/a_man_is_standing_in_an_elevator_with_a_woman/
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Italian Respect

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home.
All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian nursing home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
“How do you like it here?” asked the grandson
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” said grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone.”
“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,” Abdullah said with a big smile.
“There’s a musician here – he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here – he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!
There’s a dentist here – 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!
And Me – I haven’t had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The F**king Arab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v8ui5/italian_respect/
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A Young Jewish boy kept acting up at school..

One day, the school calls his father and says, "Your son keeps acting up in class, and his behaviour is unacceptable. We'd reccomend placement in another school."
So the father talks to his son and decides he's gonna send him to a private school.
A week later, the private school calls his father saying, "Your son keeps acting up in class, and his behaviour is unacceptable. We'd reccomend placement in another school."
Yet again, the father talks to the son and decides to send him to a Boarding School.
Another week passes, and the father gets yet another call; the same as the others. "Your son keeps acting up in class, and his behaviour is unacceptable. We'd reccomend placement in another school."
At this point, the father doesn't care anymore and decides to send his son to a Catholic school.
A few months pass, and the father hadn't received a single call about his sons behavior. Curious as to what has changed, the father asks, "Hey Jacob, what changed? Why did you all of a sudden stop acting up?"
Jacob looks up from his dinner and responds, "Well dad, when I walked in there and saw a man nailed to the cross; I knew they meant business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v8ts4/a_young_jewish_boy_kept_acting_up_at_school/
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Three men died in an accident

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and Dave, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
Then Dave stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. Dave sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said Dave, "it's from my asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v8sa6/three_men_died_in_an_accident/
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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. Stop Drinking?

It was making him Moody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v8s3l/why_did_barty_crouch_jr_stop_drinking/
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A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’
His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.’
Joe figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with urine and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noises and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW. SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER. AVOID HEAVY LABOR. IT
WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured in the sample in the machine and deposited $10.
The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD – GET A WATER SOFTENER.
YOUR DOG HAS WORMS – GIVE IT VITAMINS.
YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING COCAINE – PUT HER IN REHAB.
YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT, TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS – GET A LAWYER.
AND IF YOU DON’T STOP JERKING OFF, YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v8n04/a_joke_older_than_internet/
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The Washington Redskins, due to the incredible amount of racism, genocide and ignorance associated with that word, have decided to change their name to...

... The Redskins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v8ens/the_washington_redskins_due_to_the_incredible/
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Bad luck

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck.
condom walks out laughing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v8cpb/bad_luck/
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I don't care how great owls are

I'm not throwing some stupid party over a superb owl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v89a3/i_dont_care_how_great_owls_are/
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Little Girl: mommy when I grow up I wanna be a feminist

Mommy: well pick one sweetie you can’t be both

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v85qr/little_girl_mommy_when_i_grow_up_i_wanna_be_a/
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Women say that men don't listen.

But I haven't heard my wife say that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v84gx/women_say_that_men_dont_listen/
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A man was in a court after being caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

The judge asked him, "How many peaches were in the can you stole?"
The man replied, "Five".
The judge gave him his sentence, "You will have five weeks in prison, one for each peach in the can".
The wife of the man, who was present in the court room, raised her hand and said, " Your Honour, he also stole a can of peas!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v8452/a_man_was_in_a_court_after_being_caught/
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v834f/what_do_you_call_an_exploding_monkey/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome.
Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway.
The cops are quick though, and are just about to reach the entrance. There are three empty potato sacks lying against the wall.
"Quick! Hide!" The brunette says, and the three women each crawl into a bag.
A police man comes down the alleyway, looking around for any signs of the women. The potato sacks stick out to him-so he gives the one with the redhead a kick.
"Meow!" goes the redhead, doing her best imitation of a cat.
"Just an alley cat..." The police officer mumbles, moving onto the next bag and delivering a quick nudge with his foot.
"Woof!" Goes the brunette, imitating a dog.
"Just a stray..." The officer mumbles again, heading to the last bag, and giving it a light kick.
"POOOOE-TAYYY-TOOOEE" grunts the blonde.
Edited to meet popular demand.
For those who don't get the joke, the redhead and brunette both mimic things that might be in an alleyway-a cat and a stray dog. The blonde however wonders "What would be in a potato sack? Potatoes!" and thus tries to blend in by announcing herself as a potato.
Edit Edit: I'm blond. I can make these jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v80vi/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_rob_a_bank/
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What do princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v7ttg/what_do_princess_diana_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
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I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

It flooded me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v7s26/i_say_no_to_alcohol_it_just_doesnt_listen/
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Do you remember when people didn't have to make pop culture references to make a joke?

Pepperidge Farm remembers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v7rwg/do_you_remember_when_people_didnt_have_to_make/
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You being born is mathematically called a...

Spermutation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v7m5n/you_being_born_is_mathematically_called_a/
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How do you make baklava?

Take a chicken and drop it in a volcano.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v7inb/how_do_you_make_baklava/
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Help! I just ate a bagful of scrabble tiles!

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v7g2p/help_i_just_ate_a_bagful_of_scrabble_tiles/
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I lost my wallet and my identity was stolen.

On the bright side, I got it back in the mail with a note.
It said "It sucks to be you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v7df1/i_lost_my_wallet_and_my_identity_was_stolen/
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Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit.

A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!"
The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over,
"Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v7b7t/late_one_night_a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
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What does a pregnant teen and her unborn baby have in common?

They're both thinking "oh shit my mom is going to kill me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v7aj4/what_does_a_pregnant_teen_and_her_unborn_baby/
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A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...

Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a raging hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v79ps/a_woman_gets_home_from_work_and_hears_her_husband/
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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a Lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey
“Hey! what are you doing?”
The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check what type of joint Monkey is smoking. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says  “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v79lv/a_monkey_is_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint_when/
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Fruitiphile

You've got to be careful if you find one fruitiphile, because they normally come in pears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v79bj/fruitiphile/
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Making breakfast when you're fat...

It's a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v73b2/making_breakfast_when_youre_fat/
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I watched a silent film version of Stephen Kings "it" the other day.

It was Shh-it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v732c/i_watched_a_silent_film_version_of_stephen_kings/
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What’s the worst about working for the department of unemployment?

If you get fired you still have to show up the next day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v71cs/whats_the_worst_about_working_for_the_department/
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A blonde and a brunette got stuck in an elevator..

Blonde starts shouting: "HELP! HELP!"
Brunette turns to her and says: "We should shout together."
Blonde: "TOGETHER! TOGETHER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6zqx/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_got_stuck_in_an_elevator/
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I hate when I'm about to hug someone really good looking

And then I hit the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6y07/i_hate_when_im_about_to_hug_someone_really_good/
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In limerick's a neat way to write...

In limerick's a neat way to write.
One can enjoy it most all day and night.
It's easy and fun,
a few lines and you're done.
I hope I can learn how to write one some day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6x0d/in_limericks_a_neat_way_to_write/
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I recently got a call from a bank asking me if I would be interested in buying an insurance. Here's how the call went.

Guy on the phone:- Would you be interested in an insurance?
Me:- Oh geez, I can't tell you right now, can you      give me your home number so I can call you back?
Guy on the phone:- I'm sorry but we're not allowed to do that.
Me:- Oh I guess you don't want people calling you at your home.
Guy on the phone:- Uhh, no.
Me:- Well, now you know how I feel (Cutts off).
P.S.:- This joke is from Seinfield, I just found it funny so I decided to post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6uih/i_recently_got_a_call_from_a_bank_asking_me_if_i/
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If you are Russian when you go to the bathroom and you are Finnish when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6udw/if_you_are_russian_when_you_go_to_the_bathroom/
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Two guys were hiking in the woods when they found an abandoned mine shaft.

Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6rsy/two_guys_were_hiking_in_the_woods_when_they_found/
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The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY" and then jumps off the plane. Then, the English one come to the door, screams "RULE BRITANNIA" with a UK flag in hand and jump off too. Then, it's the time of the American assistant. He calmly walks to the door, pick a American flag and screams "FOR AMERICA"
And throw Donald Trump out of the plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6r1f/the_leaders_of_the_usa_uk_and_germany_leaders_are/
%
A race steward noticed a horse trainer giving his horse something.

He confronts the man, "What are you giving that horse?" the steward demands. "Just some sugar cubes to give him a little energy" the trainer replies, popping one into his own mouth. "Here, try one", the trainer offers. The steward slips one of the sweet cubes past his lips. "Very well, carry on", says the trainer as he walks away.
A bettor walks up to the trainer: "Is your horse fast?", he asks. "Oh yeah, he's fast. In fact, I'd say the only thing that can keep up with him today is me and that race steward".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6pmn/a_race_steward_noticed_a_horse_trainer_giving_his/
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I asked my wife if I look fat in the clothes I had on.

She said, "YES! You look disgusting and your bulging out of the sides, take off my damn clothes!"
I said, "Now you know what I see every day".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6p3h/i_asked_my_wife_if_i_look_fat_in_the_clothes_i/
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With the right delivery, any joke can be funny -

Except abortion jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6okr/with_the_right_delivery_any_joke_can_be_funny/
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Why does Sideshow Bob look up to Moe?

Because Bob also wants to be a Bart-Ender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6o7i/why_does_sideshow_bob_look_up_to_moe/
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What does David Bowie call his OpenDocument files?

space.odt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6nar/what_does_david_bowie_call_his_opendocument_files/
%
Do you know how do frogs die?

They Kermit suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6ml7/do_you_know_how_do_frogs_die/
%
A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"
"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.
"How'd you manage that?"
"Twelve trips."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6lvy/a_hunter_and_his_guide_were_deep_in_the_mountains/
%
Is my girlfriend disappointed in my body?

A tiny part of me says 'yes'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6lvt/is_my_girlfriend_disappointed_in_my_body/
%
Every yo mama joke has been done thousands of times by thousands of people...

.... Just like yo mama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6l83/every_yo_mama_joke_has_been_done_thousands_of/
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How does a gay man finish prayer?

“Ahhh, men.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6gxk/how_does_a_gay_man_finish_prayer/
%
What happened to the guy who had all his light bulbs stolen?

He was delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6fwi/what_happened_to_the_guy_who_had_all_his_light/
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I like the Germans, but instead of Hitler, now they are all obsessed with this new guy named Morgan

Instead of saying “Heil Hitler”, they now come up to me and say “Good Morgan”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6ep0/i_like_the_germans_but_instead_of_hitler_now_they/
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Blonde at work

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6e5b/blonde_at_work/
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A general and his slutty wife...

The general was going in a trip and he had to leave his wife ... he knew that she bangs the other soldiers so he put a razor inside her vagina
After he came back he said
" alright maggots drop your pants "
So one of the soldiers starts stuttering and asking him why sir ...
" I SAID NOW YOU CLOWNDICK "
So they all drop their pants and all of their dicks are cut in half except one
So the general said " I knew I could trust you Bill . You're gonna get promoted "
So bill replies
" shanks  thir  "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6ahr/a_general_and_his_slutty_wife/
%
A man goes to the doctor, complaining of severe headaches.

They try several treatments, but none work.
One day, the doctor says, "I know this will sound crazy, but I used to have headaches like yours. One night I was with my wife, and I went down on her. Just as she was about to climax she would squeeze my head really hard with her thighs, and my headache would go away. It works every time."
The guy says, "At this point, I'll try anything!”
A couple of weeks later, the guy stops by the doctor's office again, "Doc, I don't know how to thank you. I took your advice, and you were right, as soon as she squeezed my head with her thighs, my headache went away. It's a miracle!”
The doctor says, "That’s fantastic, I'm glad I could help."
The guy turns to leave and says, "Well, thanks again doc. Oh, and by the way, you have a beautiful home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v63kn/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_complaining_of_severe/
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What award did the creator of knock knock jokes win?

The No-Bell prize. :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v63av/what_award_did_the_creator_of_knock_knock_jokes/
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[shitpost]Where do you store an old lesbian?

In the licker cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v6306/shitpostwhere_do_you_store_an_old_lesbian/
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Ads on Tv...

I was watching the adverts when all of a sudden, a programme came on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v62ia/ads_on_tv/
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If anyone ever asks you to spell “part” backwards, don’t do it...

It’s a trap...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v625t/if_anyone_ever_asks_you_to_spell_part_backwards/
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A man catches a goldfish...

The goldfish tells the man:
'Look, I'm going to be straight forward with you. You can let me go right now and receive a wish. But just so you know, I'm not like those other goldfish... I grant only 1 wish, and you better pick wisely, because sometimes, people are better off without their dreams and wishes...'
The man thinks for some time, and decides to go for the safest wish he can think of... To be a prince...
He lets the fish go, and goes to home to sleep...
He wakes up in a giant palace with multiple servants bringing him breakfast to bed and asking him what does he want for desert... He goes to his closet and only the finest, most expensive, clothes there are... After getting dressed, he checks out the main room... There is a classical music band there, preforming any song he wants... Here, he finds his beautiful, lovely wife waiting for him...
She kisses him on the cheek, and whispers gently into his ear...
'Ferdinand, let's go to Sarajevo'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5yty/a_man_catches_a_goldfish/
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A chicken walks into a library and says to the librarian....

"Book, book, book"
The librarian hands the chicken three books.
On the way out, the chicken runs into a frog.
The chicken shows the books to the frog and says:
"Book, book, book."
The frog replies:
"reddit, reddit, reddit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5ykv/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library_and_says_to_the/
%
What type of key opens a banana?

A Monkey :3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5xvu/what_type_of_key_opens_a_banana/
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What’s worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5x12/whats_worse_than_waking_up_with_a_penis_drawn_on/
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I almost had a threesome last night

I only need two more girls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5to7/i_almost_had_a_threesome_last_night/
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‘Will you kids stop making that awful racket!’

Said the quality control officer at the sporting goods factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5sb8/will_you_kids_stop_making_that_awful_racket/
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Jokes about communism are not funny...

...unless everybody gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5rj8/jokes_about_communism_are_not_funny/
%
I heard you guys like jokes, so do you want to hear a joke about paper?

Never mind, it’s tearable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5p1k/i_heard_you_guys_like_jokes_so_do_you_want_to/
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Ehy do you never hear a pterodactyl in the toilet?

Because the P is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5m71/ehy_do_you_never_hear_a_pterodactyl_in_the_toilet/
%
Roses are red, violets are red

Dandelions are red,
Guys help my garden is on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5l7j/roses_are_red_violets_are_red/
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A man is sent to prison..

And on his first night there a man yells "13!" & everyone erupts with laughter. Moments later another man shouts "17!" & again everyone laughs. This happens several more times so the man decides to ask his cell mate what's going on.
"We've been in here so long that we decided to give numbers to jokes. When someone says a number we all know what joke it's assigned to". The man decides to try it & yells "24!" & nobody laughs. He tries again "31!" & again it's silent.
He looks at his cell mate and asks why nobody is laughing.
"Hey man, some guys can tell a joke..some can't".
(I'm sorry..)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5kka/a_man_is_sent_to_prison/
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Why are Helium, Curium, And Barium known as the medical elements?

Because if you can't helium, or curium, you barium!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5jhg/why_are_helium_curium_and_barium_known_as_the/
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Three guys are sitting on a boat and they have four cigarettes, but no lighters or matches or anything to light the cigarettes with. How do they light them?

They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5ir6/three_guys_are_sitting_on_a_boat_and_they_have/
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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.
Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, "I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who'll join him in the pool."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Brian in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it, getting it in choke holds, biting it's tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Brian and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell.
Finally, after what seemed like an age, Brian strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish.
An exhausted Brian wearily climbed out of the pool with everybody staring at him in disbelief.
The millionaire said, "Well, Brian, I reckon I owe you a million dollars then."
"Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Brian.
So the millionaire said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," Brian insisted.
The millionaire said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?"
Once again, Brian said, "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Brian, then what do you want?"
"I want the bastard who pushed me in," said Brian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5hl9/a_multimillionaire_living_in_darwin_australia/
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An escaped convict was on the run:

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had managed to break out of prison.
While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied them to some chairs, across the room from each other.
He went over to the the woman, and appeared to be kissing her neck.  Suddenly he stood up and went into the bathroom. As soon as he had left, the husband shifted his way across the room to his wife, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Baby, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."
After a second, the wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. Because he wasn't kissing my neck... He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him we kept it in the bathroom.  Be strong and I love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5gjf/an_escaped_convict_was_on_the_run/
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The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on. The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5ga1/the_germans_and_americans_were_reaching_a/
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If a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut.

But if a guy does the same thing, then he's gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5e69/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_a_bunch_of_guys_shes_a_slut/
%
Which state sells the smallest cans of coke?

Minisoda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v5awr/which_state_sells_the_smallest_cans_of_coke/
%
Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo...

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v57hf/donald_is_walking_out_of_the_white_house_and/
%
I was recently raped by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Although, ironically he wasn't wearing a mask, so I don't know which one it was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v56ik/i_was_recently_raped_by_a_teenage_mutant_ninja/
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I entered ten puns in a contest to see which one would win.

No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v53or/i_entered_ten_puns_in_a_contest_to_see_which_one/
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My girlfriend broke up with me at the fairground...

We'd been on the see saws and, you know, we'd really had our ups and downs.
Then we went on the biggest ride at the fair.  That was a rollercoaster.
Then we got  to the carousel.
"I don't think this is working" she said
And she was right. It didn't feel like we were going anywhere.
Then she said... I don't remember what she said, she was just going around and around in circles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v53ai/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_at_the_fairground/
%
How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v4yhc/how_do_crabs_get_around_on_land/
%
Richard Gere starts searching for meaning of life.

I translated this joke from my native Serbian language, spelling might not be perfect. Ok.
Richard Gere starts searching for meaning of life. He learn that there is in Texas one very smart guy, and that he can help him, he goes there and ask him "Can you tell me what is meaning of life?".
Smart guy start thinking and after 10 minutes he say "Meaning of life is family." Richard Gere look at him.. "Fuck, I though it was in sex, drugs and alcohol." Smart guy say to him "Well son, you should go to shaman in Africa, I learned from him, he will know".
Richard Gere goes to Africa, find Shaman and ask him same question, after 2 hours Shaman answer with "Meaning of life is happiness, laugh and love". Richard Gere again "Fuuck, I though it was in sex, drugs and alcohol."
Shaman say him "Well son, you should ask one woodcutter in Siberia, I learned from him, he is very smart man". Richard Gere goes to Siberia, he froze like pussy but in the end he find woodcutter and ask him same question.
Woodcutter without thinking quickly say "Meaning of life is air." Richard Gere say "Fuuuck, I though it was in sex, drugs and alcohol.". Woodcutter respond with "Look son, you should go to India and ask Dalai Lama, I learned everything from him, he is smartest man, he will help you.".
Richard Gere goes to India, find somehow Dalai Lama and ask him question. Dalai Lama think 1 hour, 6 hors, 5 days, 10 days. And finally answer with.... "Meaning of life is a river."
Richard Gere say "Fuuuck, I though it was in sex, drugs and alcohol." Dalai Lama respond with "Fuuuck, I though it was a river."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v4ycw/richard_gere_starts_searching_for_meaning_of_life/
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Imagine being in Walmart during the zombie apocalypse

On one side are lumbering, fat things with mucus coming out there nose dragging themselves across the ground and on the other side are zombies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v4tfl/imagine_being_in_walmart_during_the_zombie/
%
Yo mama was so fat,

Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v4syj/yo_mama_was_so_fat/
%
Studies have shown that married men live longer than single men...

So if you want a longer life, and a slower death, just get married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v4pl8/studies_have_shown_that_married_men_live_longer/
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All the good restaurants are racist.

Apparently they only serve native americans, because every time I ask for a table they tell me I need to have a reservation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v4n2l/all_the_good_restaurants_are_racist/
%
If you should ever want to know your Dolphin name,

Just lick your finger then rub a balloon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v4mju/if_you_should_ever_want_to_know_your_dolphin_name/
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Why did my app lose its previously large female following?

Because it went into beta. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v4kr5/why_did_my_app_lose_its_previously_large_female/
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How I learned to mind my own business.

I was walking past the the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13!...13!...13!". The fence was too high to see over, so I looked through a gap in the planks to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started yelling "14!...14!...!4!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v4ikx/how_i_learned_to_mind_my_own_business/
%
How did Hitler tie his shoesies?

In little knotsies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v4buu/how_did_hitler_tie_his_shoesies/
%
Why was it that seven ate nine?

Because it heard it should eat three square meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v4bjg/why_was_it_that_seven_ate_nine/
%
Two clowns eat a canibal.

one turns to the other and says, ''I think we got this joke wrong.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v4b6y/two_clowns_eat_a_canibal/
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What do cheap hotels and skinny jeans have in common?

No Ball-room!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v492l/what_do_cheap_hotels_and_skinny_jeans_have_in/
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There are 3 type of people in this world

Those who can count and those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v47oe/there_are_3_type_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Black people have black history day so what do white people have?

Father’s Day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v477z/black_people_have_black_history_day_so_what_do/
%
Life is like a taco

It falls apart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v41i9/life_is_like_a_taco/
%
Why do people with foot fetishes never win?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v41a4/why_do_people_with_foot_fetishes_never_win/
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Godfather Bookeeper

A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v418q/godfather_bookeeper/
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LinkedIn is the worst dating app

All people want to talk about is work and what I plan on doing after graduation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v40ya/linkedin_is_the_worst_dating_app/
%
What's the worst thing about a political joke?

They usually get elected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v3zo5/whats_the_worst_thing_about_a_political_joke/
%
An affluent rat is on the way to a date... (all credit to the customer who told me this today)

An affluent mouse is on the way to a date in the heart of Detroit. As he’s driving his Porsche, he spots a rather deep hole in the road. While driving around it, he hears a cry for help. “Is anyone there? Please help me get out of here!” Upon further inspection, he sees this poor, helpless elephant.
He wants to help him, but he is just a mouse, and he says this. A few minutes, maybe even seconds later, he remembers he has rope in the trunk of his car, lots of it. Wasting no time, he begins tying it to his car, and saves this elephant. The elephant thanks him, and tells him he owes him his life.
Despite being a little late, the date goes well, maybe too well. The mouse admittedly was a little tipsy, and he had forgotten about the hole. This mistake leads to an even bigger one, and he finds himself at the bottom with nothing but himself, and his now wrecked Porsche.
The next day, the elephant finds the mouse in his own previous predicament. The mouse cries out in a very similar manner, and the elephant says: “I owe you my life, but I don’t know how I can get you out. I don’t have any rope...” He pauses briefly for a solution had come to mind. “Wait I got it!” He exclaims. “I can use my dick!” So, the mouse swallows his pride, and latches onto the elephants dick, and moments later he reaches the surface.
Moral of the story: You don’t need a Porsche if you have a big dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v3suv/an_affluent_rat_is_on_the_way_to_a_date_all/
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What do you get when you merge an insomniac, a theologist and a dyslexic?

A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v3s6z/what_do_you_get_when_you_merge_an_insomniac_a/
%
What do we want?

*A time machine.*
When do we want it?
*That's irrelevant.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v3s4l/what_do_we_want/
%
What did the law graduate say to the arts graduate?

"I'd like a big mac meal with a coke please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v3rid/what_did_the_law_graduate_say_to_the_arts_graduate/
%
Why did the ghost die again?

He had the boooobonic plauge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v3q6l/why_did_the_ghost_die_again/
%
Did you hear the one about the short person who tried to start a fight?

It's a real knee knee-slapper, I tell ya!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v3oy2/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_short_person_who/
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What’s the difference between a high school graduate and a college dropout?

Debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v3lq4/whats_the_difference_between_a_high_school/
%
What do a virgin and a hemophiliac have in common?

One prick and it’s all over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v3ll8/what_do_a_virgin_and_a_hemophiliac_have_in_common/
%
Why did the blind girl crash her bicycle?

Because someone threw a washing machine at her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v3kdl/why_did_the_blind_girl_crash_her_bicycle/
%
There were 3 siblings...

The first kid, Rose, comes to their mom:
Mommy, why my name is Rose?
Mom: Because when you were born, a little rose landed in your forehead...
The second one, Plumy:
And why my name is Plumy, mommy?
Mom: Because when you were born a lil plume landed in your forehead...
Then comes Bricky:
AAAHHNSBALDU BRADUBLA BRUBDULO AHUE?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v3j3q/there_were_3_siblings/
%
Kim-Jong un wanted to know what his citizens thought of him, so he disguised himself as a regular citizen and went out.

In the streets of Pyongyang, he approached a man and asked, "What you think of our Great Leader?"
The man, not knowing that he was speaking to Kim, said: "Follow me. I don't want anyone to hear me."
He took Kim to a dark, quiet alley where no one will hear. Kim then repeated the question, "What do you think of our Great Leader?"
The man then went closer, whispered in his ears, "I support our Great Leader!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v3fhb/kimjong_un_wanted_to_know_what_his_citizens/
%
How do you get over a fear of elevators?

You just gotta take some steps to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v3e1e/how_do_you_get_over_a_fear_of_elevators/
%
My girlfriend is like an advanced calculus class.

I don't have a clue what's going on but seems like those others guys are getting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v3cxv/my_girlfriend_is_like_an_advanced_calculus_class/
%
The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v38dn/the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you_will/
%
Why can’t communists drive stick?

They keep Stalin the engine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v33u0/why_cant_communists_drive_stick/
%
I walked into a muslim dessert place

...they served a pretty good Apple pie A-llah-mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v32kh/i_walked_into_a_muslim_dessert_place/
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How do you know if a joke isn’t a repost?

It fails to reach the front page...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v30t5/how_do_you_know_if_a_joke_isnt_a_repost/
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Mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten [NSFW]

The girls gets into the car and says - "Mom, Timmy's willy is like a peanut!". The mother laughs and asks "why is it small?". "No" the girls answers, "it's salty"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v2ysh/mom_picks_up_her_5_year_old_girl_from/
%
My girlfriend said she was leaving me because I'm too cocky

So I told her to close the door on the way back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v2tli/my_girlfriend_said_she_was_leaving_me_because_im/
%
I watched a porn video on opposite day

He hoovered up sperm, got dressed, broke the washing machine and left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v2r0y/i_watched_a_porn_video_on_opposite_day/
%
There are two types of people in this world:

1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v2p85/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Which country's people are least likely to use cash?

The Czech Republic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v2oly/which_countrys_people_are_least_likely_to_use_cash/
%
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v2kyg/joe_had_suffered_from_really_bad_headaches_for/
%
I recently signed on as a partner at this vampire hunting firm.

I'm a stakeholder now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v2kbq/i_recently_signed_on_as_a_partner_at_this_vampire/
%
My crush is like a coin

Lots of tail, and 50% chance of getting head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v2h64/my_crush_is_like_a_coin/
%
Opinions are like a penis

You may have one, but just don't whip it out in public

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v2ei4/opinions_are_like_a_penis/
%
I was walking my dogs the other day when my neighbour asked me "Are those Jack Russels?"

I then replied "No they're mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v2cfg/i_was_walking_my_dogs_the_other_day_when_my/
%
What’s the hardest food to stop eating?

Cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v2b64/whats_the_hardest_food_to_stop_eating/
%
what's the square root of 69?

ate something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v26og/whats_the_square_root_of_69/
%
A man walked into a zoo, and the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It's a Shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v22ey/a_man_walked_into_a_zoo_and_the_only_animal_in/
%
YOU MATTER!

Unless you're travelling with the speed of light, in which case YOU ENERGY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v22d8/you_matter/
%
“What do we want?!”

“Low flying airplane noises!”
“When do we want em?”
“NEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v202s/what_do_we_want/
%
I hear they've introduced a new category to the grammies

The quietest album; and the award goes to:
Stephen Hawking... Unplugged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v1u1e/i_hear_theyve_introduced_a_new_category_to_the/
%
A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.
So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.
"Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many."
The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.
"Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.".
"I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen."
"Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.
That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.".
"Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v1kw8/a_farmer_has_895_sheep/
%
Why do people with foot fetishes always lose?

They love defeat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v1j92/why_do_people_with_foot_fetishes_always_lose/
%
Mr. Potato Head was in a car accident.

He's alive, but the doctors say he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v1hpl/mr_potato_head_was_in_a_car_accident/
%
A vegan, a bitcoin trader and someone who didn’t vote in 2016 all walk into a bar....

Who tells you about it first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v1f85/a_vegan_a_bitcoin_trader_and_someone_who_didnt/
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You cant spell advertisement

Without semen between the tits
My wife told me this just now, I'm busy trying to scratch out my eyes from the back of my head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v1f5w/you_cant_spell_advertisement/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of 2

She's very real, but completely irrational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v1ecw/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_2/
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[NSFW] Little Jonny's dad is called into the headmasters office for his sons misbehaviour. He arrives 10 minutes late.

"Sorry I'm late Mrs Deeny, I forgot to polish some nobs at work before leaving tonight. "
Mrs Deeny, looks up from her desk in disgust
"Yeah, I almost lost my job at the door knob factory last time I did that. To be fair they weren't too happy that I was walking around with my cock out."
Mrs Deeny gulps and stares up at him.
"I mean, they normally like me to leave my rooster at home. He's a really trouble maker, I once found him pecking at my wife's pussy"
Mrs Deeny falls off her chair and swiftly picks herself back up.
"That cat didn't know what was coming. I was a bit disturbed though when I found the cat licking Johnnys little sausage the other day!"
Mrs Deeny gasped.
"Yeah, Johnny missed breakfast that day because the cat ate it? That's nothing though... "
Mrs Deeny leaned forward.
"... Yeah, last night I caught that cunt wanking off to some fucking filthy shit on porn hub, the dirty bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v1bxl/nsfw_little_jonnys_dad_is_called_into_the/
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A Japanese guy tried to high five Logan Paul...

But Logan left him hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v1a9g/a_japanese_guy_tried_to_high_five_logan_paul/
%
A yoga teacher was gonna tell a joke

But thought it was a stretch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v16wz/a_yoga_teacher_was_gonna_tell_a_joke/
%
A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.” Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”

Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v15na/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_please_help_me_doc_i/
%
What do you do with a dead chemist?

You barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v12q9/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
%
What did the endocrinologist hear when he visited a prostitute?

whore moans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v11jo/what_did_the_endocrinologist_hear_when_he_visited/
%
To the person who hacked my gmail account

What's my password?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v11hu/to_the_person_who_hacked_my_gmail_account/
%
A big moron and a little moron were walking along a bridge...

When, suddenly, the big moron fell off and into the river!
Fortunately, the little moron was able to stay on the bridge, if only because he was a little more on.
(Joke credit to Stephen King)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v1185/a_big_moron_and_a_little_moron_were_walking_along/
%
What did my Indian mom say to my Indian aunt just as she was at the door leaving after dinner?

they are still exchanging goodbyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v115a/what_did_my_indian_mom_say_to_my_indian_aunt_just/
%
What is brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0zg0/what_is_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
My Grandfather once told me about how he fought bravely in World War II, so I asked him how many years he served for the U.S.

He replied "Nein."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0wwq/my_grandfather_once_told_me_about_how_he_fought/
%
I used to be addicted to time travel

But that's all in the past now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0vru/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_time_travel/
%
Why were the Star Wars movies made in the order 4,5,6,1,2,3?

In charge of production, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0vqw/why_were_the_star_wars_movies_made_in_the_order/
%
Women are like parking spaces...

All the good ones are taken,  the ones that are left are disabled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0tpq/women_are_like_parking_spaces/
%
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable.

Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day
Does anyone know another word.
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
Ok Mike, what is your word.
Saturday. says, Mike.
Great, that has three syllables.
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says " I know a four syllable word, pick me....."
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K.
Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful"
No Maam, your thinking of blow job, and that's only two syllables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0sf0/the_first_grade_teacher_was_starting_a_new_lesson/
%
What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a white man with no girlfriend?

Alien vs Redditor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0s3z/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_a_mexican_and_a/
%
If at first you don't succeed

Sky diving probably isn't for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0ofp/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
An ugly girl was sitting alone in a restaurant

“I feel bad for that girl.” I said to my date.
Moments later, a man who appeared to be her boyfriend walked over and sat down in her booth.
“I feel bad for that guy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0n0v/an_ugly_girl_was_sitting_alone_in_a_restaurant/
%
Paddy met Angus in a pub

Over their pints, Angus leaned in and said “does ye know what I did last night, eh?”
Paddy had no idea, and Angus said “I’m a very rich man. I robbed a shop full of expensive pictures!”
Paddy was impressed. He said to Angus “wow, that’s astonishing! When you sell ‘em, give me some money!”
Angus said yes, of course. But Paddy thought for a bit, and he asked Angus “how does ye know they were expensive?”
Angus replied “ah, well, they got price tags don’t they? Cheapest one was €180,000, wasn’t it? Picture of some house! ‘Course they all were.”
Paddy thought for a minute, and then said “Angus, ye didn’t rob the estate agent did ye?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0mve/paddy_met_angus_in_a_pub/
%
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They can both smell it but they can’t eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0llk/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_boy/
%
Who's in charge in the land of geometry?

The rulers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0km7/whos_in_charge_in_the_land_of_geometry/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0je6/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
You have to appreciate how badass the Chinese are,

making their language totally out of tattoo symbols.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0fc5/you_have_to_appreciate_how_badass_the_chinese_are/
%
A bald man with a frog on his head walks in to a doctor

Before the doc manages to ask, the frog squeaks:
"Something got stuck to my arse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0cdz/a_bald_man_with_a_frog_on_his_head_walks_in_to_a/
%
I’ve always wanted to replace the Mediterranean with orange soda

I guess it’s always been my biggest Fanta Sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0c4m/ive_always_wanted_to_replace_the_mediterranean/
%
Why did the shark keep swimming in circles?

It had a nosebleed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0axs/why_did_the_shark_keep_swimming_in_circles/
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Hot and Cold

After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined the man’s wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"
"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v0asm/hot_and_cold/
%
Blondes

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.
Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"
She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v06s5/blondes/
%
What’s a suicide bomber’s worst fear?

Dying alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v032u/whats_a_suicide_bombers_worst_fear/
%
A kid had sex with his teacher

So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7v021d/a_kid_had_sex_with_his_teacher/
%
For an old man's 98th birthday,

his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?"  Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Grampa says "Since I aint had a hard on in 10 yrs, I guess I'll have to settle for the soup"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uzzn2/for_an_old_mans_98th_birthday/
%
It should be a safety hazard for cars being towed to face traffic behind them...

Every time I look up from my phone while driving and see one they scare the *s#!t* out of me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uzzmy/it_should_be_a_safety_hazard_for_cars_being_towed/
%
What do you give to an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uzxnh/what_do_you_give_to_an_elephant_with_diarrhea/
%
What do suicide bomb instructors always start their lesson with?

"Right lads, I'm only going to show you this once!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uztq4/what_do_suicide_bomb_instructors_always_start/
%
I can't stand Russian nesting dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uzstb/i_cant_stand_russian_nesting_dolls/
%
I tried to enter the "the ugliest face" contest

The judges told me, "sorry, no professionals".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uzsar/i_tried_to_enter_the_the_ugliest_face_contest/
%
Why didn't the pregnant lesbian's water break?

Because she has a dyke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uzopc/why_didnt_the_pregnant_lesbians_water_break/
%
I had a deaf girlfriend once, she left me for a guy who was also deaf.

I should have seen the signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uznlm/i_had_a_deaf_girlfriend_once_she_left_me_for_a/
%
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uzn4o/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_won_the_lottery_would/
%
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uzlrl/job_interviewer_and_where_would_you_see_yourself/
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Octopuses Garden

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.
He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play this” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.
The octopus sits down and plays it like never before – Better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever.
Finally, the Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with it.
Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out.
Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says “Play it? I’m gonna f*ck her when I get her pyjamas off”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uzlro/octopuses_garden/
%
Cannibal fruit

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uzlk8/cannibal_fruit/
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What's the good part about Naming your child?

That you don’t have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uzhjb/whats_the_good_part_about_naming_your_child/
%
What's Gordon Ramsay's favourite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uzhdt/whats_gordon_ramsays_favourite_subreddit/
%
A man walked past a floating string...

*m* - "Where did you learn to do that?"
*s* - "I'm self-taut!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uzcgd/a_man_walked_past_a_floating_string/
%
Why are pubic hair curly?

So you don't poke your eye out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uzcca/why_are_pubic_hair_curly/
%
Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the fuck out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uz722/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
%
What’s the necrophiliacs’ mission statement?

We put the D in dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uz6mv/whats_the_necrophiliacs_mission_statement/
%
What do you get when you mix a penis and a potato?

Dictator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uz408/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_penis_and_a_potato/
%
Guest at a restaurant!

Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager! “
Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uz3iv/guest_at_a_restaurant/
%
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance...

...We'll see about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uz31i/my_therapist_says_i_have_a_preoccupation_with/
%
a man goes to buy a house...

He takes one look at it during the open house and decides he doesn't want it. He takes a second look from the back yard and buys it immediately. He was a perspective buyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uyxe9/a_man_goes_to_buy_a_house/
%
What sound does a T-Rex make when it’s sleeping?

A Dino-snore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uyxbx/what_sound_does_a_trex_make_when_its_sleeping/
%
Which Spice Girl can hold the most petrol?

Geri can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uyvjy/which_spice_girl_can_hold_the_most_petrol/
%
Tits are like Lego bricks.

They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uytz9/tits_are_like_lego_bricks/
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A woman is having an affair.

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “$250?"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “$750?
Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?"
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uytgf/a_woman_is_having_an_affair/
%
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uyrh1/i_took_the_batteries_out_of_my_carbon_monoxide/
%
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why...

The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uyrd5/i_got_a_parking_ticket_for_being_parked_illegally/
%
"Doctor, my brother is crazy. He thinks he is a chicken."

"Well, why don't you commit him to a mental asylum?"
"I would, but I need the eggs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uypwu/doctor_my_brother_is_crazy_he_thinks_he_is_a/
%
How do you break up a fight between two blind men?

Shout "My money's on the one with the knife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uyps7/how_do_you_break_up_a_fight_between_two_blind_men/
%
Two lawyers are leaving the office.

"I can’t wait to get home," says one. "As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off."
"I know the feeling," says the other.
"No, I’m serious," says the first. "They’re killing me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uyp4d/two_lawyers_are_leaving_the_office/
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Doctor, I think I have a problem with my testicles.

Should one of them be lower than the other three?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uymel/doctor_i_think_i_have_a_problem_with_my_testicles/
%
Tell me about yourself

1: Well uhh.. I like dogs
2: Oh, what’s your favourite breed?
1: Any breed is good, they all taste the same anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uykd9/tell_me_about_yourself/
%
I broke up with my Gym

We weren't working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uyjd4/i_broke_up_with_my_gym/
%
To spell Panda

You just need P and A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uyi1q/to_spell_panda/
%
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office Account...

I will find you. You have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uygjk/to_the_person_who_stole_my_microsoft_office/
%
The upside of having Alzheimers...

is seeing a new woman in your bed every morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uygck/the_upside_of_having_alzheimers/
%
What do you call a triangle with four sides and a serious drinking problem?

A wrecked angle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uyddb/what_do_you_call_a_triangle_with_four_sides_and_a/
%
Fucked a girl with one leg

Should've used my cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uycqb/fucked_a_girl_with_one_leg/
%
I still remember the day that Paul Walker died...

He was all over the radio.. and the windows.. and the seats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uyb7k/i_still_remember_the_day_that_paul_walker_died/
%
Why can't Santa ever have children?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uyap4/why_cant_santa_ever_have_children/
%
I kinda wish Twix came with three fingers instead of two...

...that way, if someone asks me for one, I can give them the middle finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uy814/i_kinda_wish_twix_came_with_three_fingers_instead/
%
How do you know when it's raining cats and dogs?

When you step in a poodle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uy1bl/how_do_you_know_when_its_raining_cats_and_dogs/
%
A man goes to see a psychiatrist.

He is wearing nothing but clear saran wrap on his body in lieu of clothes. One look at him and the shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uxxwf/a_man_goes_to_see_a_psychiatrist/
%
A son walks into the kitchen and sees his father drinking a beer.

The son naturally asks the father if he can have some. The father says, “I don’t know, are you a man yet son?”. Unsure, the son asks how he knows if he’s a man yet. The father responds, “you’re only a man when your penis is long enough to touch your ass”.
The son considers this for a moment, drops his head and leaves the room without a beer.
The next day, the son walks into the kitchen and sees his father smoking a cigarette. The son asks if he can have one and he is met with the same question as before. He drops his head and walks out of the room without a cigarette.
The following day the father walks into the kitchen and sees his son eating some cake. The father asks the son if he can have some.
The son turns to the father and asks, “I don’t know dad. Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?”
A wide smile appears on the fathers face and he proudly proclaims, “Why yes son! My penis is long enough to touch my ass!”
The son bluntly replies, “Excellent. You can go fuck yourself then.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uxwcb/a_son_walks_into_the_kitchen_and_sees_his_father/
%
The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend

Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uxte6/the_flu_is_kinda_like_my_last_girlfriend/
%
The police are interrogating a suspect

Cop: “Where were you last night? And why are you covered in blood?”
Me: “I went out for a walk & tripped on a rabbit hole. Fell, got up. Tripped again on a foxhole. Got up & fell into a manhole. Cut my head on a rock.”
Cop: “Son, I think you’re lying. Your alibi is full of holes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uxn03/the_police_are_interrogating_a_suspect/
%
I only believe 12.5% of what the Bible says.

Does that make me an eighth theist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uxmlg/i_only_believe_125_of_what_the_bible_says/
%
Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uxi6j/dr_mr_smith_your_wife_is_comfortable/
%
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uxahd/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_after_they_die/
%
Today at the supermarket..

A can of coke fell on my head
I am lucky it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ux4e6/today_at_the_supermarket/
%
There was a guy

who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says: "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ux0ib/there_was_a_guy/
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There's an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin, and salt in a can

Don't open it, it's spam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwxth/theres_an_email_going_around_offering_processed/
%
The Secret Service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the President is about to be attacked

Now they have to yell, "Donald, duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwsss/the_secret_service_isnt_allowed_to_yell_get_down/
%
The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom and my girlfriend said, “This is a bit awkward.”

I said, “Just ignore them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwrtf/the_first_time_i_had_sex_it_was_in_my_parents/
%
Do you know that french general who likes to fire his cannon at kitchens?

His name is Linoleum Blownapart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwqf5/do_you_know_that_french_general_who_likes_to_fire/
%
Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?

Because number two shocked him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwp92/why_was_buzzfeeds_editor_found_dead_in_the/
%
What's the difference between a nun praying in a church, and a nun in the bath?

The nun in the church has hope in her soul, the nun in the bath has soap in her hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwos4/whats_the_difference_between_a_nun_praying_in_a/
%
Your fetishes are nothing to be ashamed about!

Unless your fetish is being humiliated, then you should feel ashamed you nasty little pervert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwoat/your_fetishes_are_nothing_to_be_ashamed_about/
%
Who’s bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?

Mister bigger’s baby is just a little Bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwkfs/whos_bigger_mr_bigger_or_mr_biggers_baby/
%
I bought my wife a box of chocolates and a dildo for Valentine’s Day.

I told her if she didn’t like the chocolates, she could go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwjnm/i_bought_my_wife_a_box_of_chocolates_and_a_dildo/
%
What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident?

a wrecked angle
(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwhne/what_do_you_get_when_two_different_pairs_of/
%
How many people with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna go bowling?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uweu1/how_many_people_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A vegan girl came up to me and spoke as if she knew me.

But I had never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwcj4/a_vegan_girl_came_up_to_me_and_spoke_as_if_she/
%
A group of deaf people get together to protest

The group begins chanting
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids!”
When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwca4/a_group_of_deaf_people_get_together_to_protest/
%
There's a Marine in Afghanistan

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. She also wanted the pictures of herself back.
So, the marine did what any other man would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 24 pictures of women (with clothes and some without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwc11/theres_a_marine_in_afghanistan/
%
"You must be an engineer"

A man is flying solo in a hot air balloon and he discovers that he is lost. He lowers altitude until he can see a guy walking through a field.
He says to the guy, "Hey, where am I"?
The guy replies, "You are in a hot air balloon about 8 feet above farmer Jack's field."
The balloon guy says, "You must be an engineer. Because you correctly answered my question but it was completely unhelpful for my situation.”
The guy on the ground says, "You are right I am an engineer. And you must be a manager. Because I gave you exactly the information that you asked for and yet somehow I am now to blame for your negligent situation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwbjm/you_must_be_an_engineer/
%
Why did the seamen cross the street?

Because I wore the wrong socks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uwa40/why_did_the_seamen_cross_the_street/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uw6oc/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
Unlocking the Door

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."
So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uw5bh/unlocking_the_door/
%
Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uw3zu/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet:

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uw1wb/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
%
I like my women how I like my coffee..

..Swiss, Colombian, all that shit.  ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uw1f0/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
I Was Once Attacked By A Gang of Mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uvynr/i_was_once_attacked_by_a_gang_of_mimes/
%
I caught someone trying to steal my piece of paper.

I almost lost my sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uvtxy/i_caught_someone_trying_to_steal_my_piece_of_paper/
%
$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day

All eight books were recovered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uvt7v/21_million_worth_of_textbooks_were_stolen_the/
%
How do porcupines have sex?

Carefully.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uvsbt/how_do_porcupines_have_sex/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his arse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uvpb7/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
My wife told me too take out the spider instead of killing it

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uvml8/my_wife_told_me_too_take_out_the_spider_instead/
%
A lion would never drive while drunk

But a tiger wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uvif8/a_lion_would_never_drive_while_drunk/
%
SCIENTIST: I just boiled water.

ME: Solid.
SCIENTIST: No.
ME: I just mean that’s cool.
SCIENTIST: WRONG AGAIN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uvfy9/scientist_i_just_boiled_water/
%
What do you call a fat Chinese prostitute?

Chun Kee Ho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uvcu7/what_do_you_call_a_fat_chinese_prostitute/
%
An inventor invented a lie detector...

And decided to try it out with his family before commercializing it.
His wife provides him with the perfect opportunity: Darling I think our son watches porn.
Husband: Lets find out. Son, what did you do this afternoon when you stayed in your room?
Son: Homework
*BEEP*
Son: Okay I watched porn.
Husband: How dare you! When I was your age I never even thought of watching porn!
*BEEP*
Wife: Haha well...He really is your son!
*BEEP*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uv9mj/an_inventor_invented_a_lie_detector/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

The p is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uv51m/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
My wife took a sales job with the cable company, so I divorced her.

I couldn't handle that she was screwing so many other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uv4g9/my_wife_took_a_sales_job_with_the_cable_company/
%
What do you call it when everyone at work gets sick?

A staff infection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uv358/what_do_you_call_it_when_everyone_at_work_gets/
%
-Honey, I have some problems at work.

Wife:
-Now there. Not "I" but "we"! When we got married your problems became my problems. What's wrong?
Me:
-Well then OUR secretary is expecting OUR child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uuxiy/honey_i_have_some_problems_at_work/
%
“Mommy, can you make me a sandwich?”

“First, you can make you your own freaking sandwich. And second, you don’t have to call me 'Mommy' just because I’m sleeping with your father.”
“But, but ... what should I call you?”
“Thomas is fine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uuwud/mommy_can_you_make_me_a_sandwich/
%
[Medium Length]The Engineer and the Guillotine

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uurml/medium_lengththe_engineer_and_the_guillotine/
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How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's gotta be more than 5; my basement is still dark as fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uuq21/how_many_dead_prostitutes_does_it_take_to_change/
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Son: "Dad, what's the difference between a vegan and a vegetarian?"

Dad:  "Usually a man bun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uunq8/son_dad_whats_the_difference_between_a_vegan_and/
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Why are hurricanes named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild. And when they leave, they take your house and your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uujbo/why_are_hurricanes_named_after_women/
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Why do they serve snails at fancy French restaurants?

Because it is not fast food!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uuhw2/why_do_they_serve_snails_at_fancy_french/
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I got pulled over in the carpool lane today

The cop said I can't be driving in this lane without anyone else in my car, but the joke's on him. The trunk is full of people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uuf6f/i_got_pulled_over_in_the_carpool_lane_today/
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Why is a toothbrush called a TOOTHbrush and not a TEETHbrush?

It was invented in Tennessee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uue94/why_is_a_toothbrush_called_a_toothbrush_and_not_a/
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I found my girlfriend in bed with three police officers.

She just shrugged. “You said experiment with uniforms!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uue8h/i_found_my_girlfriend_in_bed_with_three_police/
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100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.

The stables have turned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uubb7/100_years_ago_everyone_had_a_horse_and_only_the/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia?

Yeah, he sat up all night contemplating the existence on "dog".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uub8p/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_with/
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NSFW What's a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

It doesn't matter if she has one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uuao3/nsfw_whats_a_pulse_and_an_orgasm_have_in_common/
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My greatest fear is dying alone

It's why I got my pilot's license

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uu9dy/my_greatest_fear_is_dying_alone/
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My father said now that I’m in 6th grade we should probably talk about sex

I said let's just stay friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uu897/my_father_said_now_that_im_in_6th_grade_we_should/
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How do you find the blind guy at the nude beach?

Let me tell you, it isn't hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uu4jz/how_do_you_find_the_blind_guy_at_the_nude_beach/
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Who led the Israelites through the Semi-Permeable Membrane?

Osmoses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uu358/who_led_the_israelites_through_the_semipermeable/
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We should give everyone welfare.

Then no one has to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uu0im/we_should_give_everyone_welfare/
%
I only read books when I'm having a shit...

Which is probably the reason why my daughter doesn't ask me for a bedtime story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uu059/i_only_read_books_when_im_having_a_shit/
%
One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex

The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?” says the daughter.
The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7utzfp/one_night_a_little_girl_walks_in_on_her_parents/
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What do you call a woman with a lot of money?

Divorced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7utxyy/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_a_lot_of_money/
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I’m only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7utxny/im_only_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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My beaver left me and she's never coming back

She said I'm not worth a dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7utwcp/my_beaver_left_me_and_shes_never_coming_back/
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Lovingly slow-cooked over an open flame...

...I served a female deer with herbs to my family at a recent dinner party.
Calling it "Spit-Roasted Dill Doe" was maybe a little unwise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7utvge/lovingly_slowcooked_over_an_open_flame/
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'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7utpfd/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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Happy goundhog day!

Happy groundhog day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uto2i/happy_goundhog_day/
%
One cannibal asked the other: "Are you enjoying yourself?"

He replied: "I'm having a ball."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7utj9u/one_cannibal_asked_the_other_are_you_enjoying/
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Sometimes I'll ask my blind friend "Can you tell me what this says? It's in braille and I don't understand it" and then hand him a Lego.

Apparently all Legos say "Fuck you, dude!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uthgr/sometimes_ill_ask_my_blind_friend_can_you_tell_me/
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I like my scotch same as I like my women

18 years old and mixed up with coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7utdp7/i_like_my_scotch_same_as_i_like_my_women/
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Son: "Dad! My lsd is missing!"

Dad: "We have bigger problems son, there's a dragon in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7utafx/son_dad_my_lsd_is_missing/
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I’m sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ut9hc/im_sick_and_tired_of_these_millennial_weathermen/
%
A clockmaker retires and moves to a small village

Not having much to do, he opens a small shop mostly just to have a place to keep all of his favorite clocks that he's collected over the years. Not needing to hustle any more, he spends most of his day gazing out his shop window watching people go by.
Every morning he sees a man stop, stare at the clocks, look at his watch, and go on his way. After a few months, his curiosity gets the best of him and he goes out to talk to the man.
He asks the man why he stops by to look at the clocks but never comes in. The man replies "I know it's your business, but I've always wondered how you keep all of your clocks so accurate."
The clockmaker says "every day, I listen for the churchbells and set all my clocks to it."
The man exclaims "but every morning I set my watch to your clocks so I can ring the churchbells!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ut7c0/a_clockmaker_retires_and_moves_to_a_small_village/
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Sam, Harry and Stuttering Joe

Sam, who wanted to impress his friends, bought a new Scooter motorcyle. Deciding he wanted to show off his new toy he drove to meet his friends Harry and Joe. Upon arriving at their usual hangout spot he was greeted by laughter by his two friends who thought a scooter was goofy looking and incapable of reaching high speeds compared to a normal motorcycle. “Hahaha, nice 2 stroke mower you got there”, said Harry. “you-you-you look dumb ri-ri-ri-riding that thing”, said his stuttering friend joe.
Convince he was going to prove the power of his scooter he invited both of them to hop on and go for a ride. Seemingly unimpressed Joe and Harry agreed while still laughing.
They drive off – Sam immediately drives into the main road at a semi-fast speed hoping to scare his friends while also trying to impressing them. He turns sharply left then right as he swerves around other vehicle but this is only greeted with “hahahah” from his friends riding behind him. Mad about what he is hearing he throttles his poor scoter to its limit achieving the highest speed possible…serving even more aggressively and dangerously. Still, all he hears is “Hahahahaha”. This time even louder!
Feeling Angry, Sam stops the scooter. Turns around to ask his friends what the hell is so funny?! Joe Responds, HaHaH-Ha-Harry fell off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ut6px/sam_harry_and_stuttering_joe/
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TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ut5to/til_humans_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
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I was going to make a joke about the bystander effect

But somebody else probably already did that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ut5c5/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_the_bystander/
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What do you get when you cross Donald Trump with a Holocaust Denier?

Fake jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ut32c/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_donald_trump_with/
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To attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare's "Hamlet", Act I, Scene II:

"Ay, madam"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ut059/to_attract_women_i_like_to_use_this_quote_from/
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Why doesn't anyone trust the cheddar cheese?

Because it's no gouda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7usyuh/why_doesnt_anyone_trust_the_cheddar_cheese/
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A man walks into a bar

one night and orders a vodka on the rocks from the bartender. After he finishes the drink, he peeks into his shirt pocket before ordering another vodka on the rocks.
The bartender sees this but does not mention anything, after the man once again finishes his drink, he once again peeks into his shirt pocket before ordering another vodka on the rocks.
The bartender now curious said to the man "Look buddy, I'm happy to pour you vodka on the rocks all night but do you mind telling me what's in your pocket?"
The man looks up and says "It's a picture of my wife and when she starts to look half attractive, I know it's time to go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ustuu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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It's going to be a cold winter

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7usr7w/its_going_to_be_a_cold_winter/
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A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"
Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7usnnr/a_father_has_two_sons_named_joe_and_mikey_and_the/
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Mike Tyson recently recovered from a meth overdose and was interviewed upon his exit from the hospital.

When asked about the full story, he responded with,
"I was really methed up at the time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7usjw9/mike_tyson_recently_recovered_from_a_meth/
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Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me that in public."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7usek6/kid_mom_am_i_ugly/
%
What is Kim Jong-Un’s favorite beverage size?

A supreme liter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7usbxw/what_is_kim_jonguns_favorite_beverage_size/
%
Billy's mom comes home to see him crying. "Billy, what's wrong?" "Dad hanged himself in the attic!" replied Billy, eyes in tears.

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling. "HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7usb2i/billys_mom_comes_home_to_see_him_crying_billy/
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I have a lot of females sucking on me.

Unfortunately all of them are mosquitoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7us9cb/i_have_a_lot_of_females_sucking_on_me/
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What is the difference between flying pigs and politicians?

The letter f

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7us1a2/what_is_the_difference_between_flying_pigs_and/
%
Last week was my birthday...

and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!” with a possible present for me.
No such luck. Barely a good morning, let alone a “Happy birthday”.
I figured…well, that’s marriage for you. Maybe the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn’t say a word.
Needless to say, I left for the office feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Martha said, “Good morning boss! Happy birthday!”.
At least someone remembered.
Around one o’clock, Martha knocked on my door and said, “You know. It’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday. Let’s go out to lunch, just you and me”.
Best thing I’d heard all day.
We went and had lunch in a little place with a private table. Two martinis each, leg of lamb and amazing conversation.
On our way back to the office, Martha quipped, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day…we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”
“I guess not” I replied. “What do you have in mind?”
She smiled. “Let’s go to my apartment.”
When we got to her apartment, Martha turned to me and said, “I’m going to step into the bedroom to freshen a bit, boss. I’ll be right back.”
I nodded nervously.
She went into the bedroom, and after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake and singing “Happy Birthday” followed by my wife, my kids, a dozen of my friends and co-workers.
I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7us03o/last_week_was_my_birthday/
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Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus asks for a table for 26.
The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”
Jesus says, “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7urvg5/jesus_and_his_disciples_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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Why did the ancient Roman police arrest an Eagle?

Because he was... Aquila.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7urpf7/why_did_the_ancient_roman_police_arrest_an_eagle/
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How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7urmtx/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
There's been a series of senseless killings near my home this week.

The victims were all deaf, dumb or blind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7urmku/theres_been_a_series_of_senseless_killings_near/
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My deaf sister asked me if I wanted to hear a joke

I said: Sure.
She said: Me too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7urlzx/my_deaf_sister_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_hear_a_joke/
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Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won’t touch anything that isn’t at least 20% off...
Source: am Jewish man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7urlzn/why_do_jewish_men_get_circumcised/
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Mountain Man

Well Tom was a high powered business man and successful stock market trader, but he sure was fed up with life in the fast lane of New York City. Fed up with the hustle and the bustle. Fed up with the fickle market. But one night, sipping scotch, he realized that the root of all his problems was PEOPLE.
And being a man of action, Tom went into work the next day, quit his job, and headed out west to find solitude.  A place where no one would ever bother him.  He bought an abandoned cabin in the wilds of Montana with no people as far as the eye could see.
The first morning, he was outside working hard--repairing a fence, digging out his garden.  It was hard work, but it felt good.  Just then, in the distance, he saw a sight that made his heart sink: a rusty old pickup truck driving right toward him!
As it pulled up, a big old grizzly mountain man hopped out with a shout of "Hi ho neighbor! I live on the other side of that there mountain, and I wanna welcome you to the neighborhood!  In fact, you've got great timing, because I'm throwing a neighborhood block party this Friday, and you would be MOST welcome!"
Tom stopped him in his tracks: "I'm sorry, sir, but I moved here to get AWAY from..."
The mountain man interrupted: "But before you say yes, I gotta warn ya...there's going to be some DRINKIN'."
Tom was quick to answer: "Well sir, I assure you I can handle my alcohol, but I still have to say..."
But the mountain man interrupted again: "OH, and I gotta warn ya...there's gonna be some FIGHTIN'."
Tom once again answered dutifully: "Well sir, I come from New York City, lived right off of 42nd Street and I've seen my share of rough behavior, and nothing really compares with having to stare down aggressive business folks trying to screw you out of every penny, but I still have to say n-..."
One last time the mountain man interrupted: "I understand that sir, you must be one tough fella, but before you say yes, I gotta warn ya... there's gonna be some SEX."
At this, Tom had had enough, and truthfully, his curiosity was piqued. "Sir, I've seen things in New York City you've only dreamed of, I'm sure I can handle this backwoods block party. And I'd be happy to come to your party, I suppose it's the neighborly thing to do."
The mountain man was delighted. He hopped back in the pickup truck with a jump in his surprisingly spry legs, and started to drive off.  But Tom quickly flagged him down: "Sir, one thing--I don't know much about this neighborhood--what should I wear, is it going to dress up, or casual, or..."
The mountain man looked puzzled.  As he drove off, he shouted, "Suit yourself! It's just gonna be you and me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7urlk4/mountain_man/
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What is a cannibal comedian's biggest fear?

A tough crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7urikt/what_is_a_cannibal_comedians_biggest_fear/
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Wife's Dentist

My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uriai/wifes_dentist/
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A man goes to the movies

He looks over and he sees a man and his dog. As he is watching the movie he looks over and notices when the movie is funny it looks like the dog is laughing. When the movie is sad it seems like the dog is crying. When the movies is over he says to the man.
"Wow it's weird but it really seemed like your dog was into the movie."
"Yeah, it is weird. He really hated the book."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7urfpj/a_man_goes_to_the_movies/
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People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree.

The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7urfnm/people_say_that_being_able_to_count_is_important/
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A man is going out of town on a buisness trip

So he asks his brother to watch his cat. Two weeks into the trip he calls his brother.
Man: "So, how is my cat?"
Brother""Well listen the cat died"
Man: "That's not how you break something like that to someone. That cat really meant a lot to me. You should have said something like 'the cat got out on the roof and it got scared so it latched on. By the time the fire department came it had died of exposure.'"
Brother: "Oh, I'm sorry. Next time something like that comes up I will let you know"
Man: "Anyway, thats not what matters. What matters is family how's mom?"
Brother: "Well mom got out on the roof....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7urday/a_man_is_going_out_of_town_on_a_buisness_trip/
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What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

Vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7urc25/what_do_japanese_men_do_when_they_have_erections/
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Wife asked to take clothes off

Walked into the bedroom and the wife said
"Take off my shoes"
So i did
"Take off my skirt"
So i did
"Take off my bra and panties"
So i did
Then she said to me, "stop wearing my fucking clothes"
So I did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ur9mq/wife_asked_to_take_clothes_off/
%
How come doctors often forget to ask about erectile dysfunction?

It just never comes up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ur7ft/how_come_doctors_often_forget_to_ask_about/
%
What kind of job did Hitler have when he was young.

A nein to five.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ur045/what_kind_of_job_did_hitler_have_when_he_was_young/
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Blonde painting a living room

While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room.
After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing.
She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the living room."
He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked, "Why are you wearing two coats?
She replied, "I read the directions on the paint can, and they said, ''For best results, put on two coats!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uqyw7/blonde_painting_a_living_room/
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A young boy asks his dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?”

The dad replies, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That’s confidential.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uqxz1/a_young_boy_asks_his_dad_what_is_the_difference/
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I heard a report!

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently, 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uqtjw/i_heard_a_report/
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I started a band called 999 Megabytes...

we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uqt77/i_started_a_band_called_999_megabytes/
%
They say childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience...

Maybe I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt all that much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uqpm3/they_say_childbirth_is_the_most_painful_thing/
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I went into the bank earlier to check my balance

Got some funny looks standing on one leg with my arms outstretched

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uqny1/i_went_into_the_bank_earlier_to_check_my_balance/
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Does anyone know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

Because I keep hearing the same ones over and over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uqmuk/does_anyone_know_any_good_groundhog_day_jokes/
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A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair..

so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uqle5/a_young_blonde_woman_fears_her_husband_is_having/
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A cyclops was doing a crossword puzzle and asked his wife, "Hun, how do you spell Hawaii?"

Biting her lip, she replied, "I think you need 2 'i's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uqhbp/a_cyclops_was_doing_a_crossword_puzzle_and_asked/
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I'm suspicious that my dictaphone is too full...

Though I might be reading too much into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uqgq8/im_suspicious_that_my_dictaphone_is_too_full/
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My co-workers are like my Christmas lights…

Half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t that bright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uq8j7/my_coworkers_are_like_my_christmas_lights/
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Collection of joke that were retold countless times when I was younger.

A plane carrying bricks was flying northeast over a jungle when a brick fell out. Which direction did the brick fell in?
- Down.
&nbsp;
How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
- Open the fridge.
- Put elephant in.
- Close the fridge.
&nbsp;
How do you put a giraffe into a fridge?
- Open the fridge.
- Take elephant out.
- Put giraffe in.
- Close the fridge.
&nbsp;
The lion was having a birthday party and every animal in the jungle showed up except for the giraffe, why?
- It was stuck in the fridge.
&nbsp;
An explorer has to cross a crocodile infested river but the bridge has collapsed. In the end, he made it across by just swimming, how?
- All the crocodiles were at the lion's birthday party.
&nbsp;
As soon as the explorer got out of the river, he died, why?
- The brick that fell out from the plane hit him on the head.
*edit: presentation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uq8i8/collection_of_joke_that_were_retold_countless/
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Samsungs Galaxy Note 7 is really cost effective

You get alot of bang for your buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uq7f8/samsungs_galaxy_note_7_is_really_cost_effective/
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An American man is drinking in a pub in Ireland...

He stands up and says "If anyone here can drink 10 pints of guiness in 10 minutes I'll give him 100 dollars!"
No one answers him and one man walks out of the pub.
The American goes back to his drink and someone taps him on the shoulder 15 minutes later. It was the Irish man who had walked out earlier. "Does your bet still stand?" He asks.
The American says yes and gets him his pints. The Irishman then drinks all 10 in 10 minutes.
The American gives him his money, he says "That was amazing! But why did you leave earlier?"
The Irish man says "I went to the pub across the road to make sure I could do it first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uq6i5/an_american_man_is_drinking_in_a_pub_in_ireland/
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Constipation is the biggest lie...

Full of shit if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uq1s2/constipation_is_the_biggest_lie/
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What is the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?

One is a display of cunning stunts while the other is stunning cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7upzqq/what_is_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a/
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What do you call it when a virgin gets an STD?

The Immaculate Infection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7upxi9/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_virgin_gets_an_std/
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I was playing hide and seek with the kids last night and the power went out.

I hunted around for my flashlight but could only find my fleshlight.
Oh well, at least they never saw me cumming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7upx86/i_was_playing_hide_and_seek_with_the_kids_last/
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What's a pirate's favourite letter?

You would think it be R.
But it's the C they love!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7upumd/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
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“I got my neighbor to lend me his trombone.”

“But you don’t play the trombone.”
“I know. And now he doesn’t, either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7upu3b/i_got_my_neighbor_to_lend_me_his_trombone/
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Usain Bolt was going for run around his neighborhood when a policeman pulled him over.

Usain, confused to why he was being apprehended, asked, "Is there a problem with a black man going for a run?"
The cop respond, "No, you were doing 30 in a 15."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uppi8/usain_bolt_was_going_for_run_around_his/
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You are so ugly

that when your mom dropped you off at school she got a ticket for littering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7upnal/you_are_so_ugly/
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Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7upi6o/why_did_the_picture_go_to_jail/
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Why do Icelandic ships have barcodes?

The striking dock workers complained there is Norway they can go to a ship with a clipboard, Denmark it as arrived and Finnish the whole business before sunset. New tech helped Sweden the deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7upg9b/why_do_icelandic_ships_have_barcodes/
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My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7upeos/my_wife_says_if_this_post_gets_over_1000_upvotes/
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How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7upabx/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
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How many friendzoned guys does it take to screw a light bulb?

None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed off when it doesnt screw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7up9nm/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_screw_a/
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A sloth was walking through the jungle one day

when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails.
The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree. Several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault. He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers.
He replied, "I don't know what the looked like, it all happened so fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7up108/a_sloth_was_walking_through_the_jungle_one_day/
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A penguin was driving down the street eating a vanilla ice cream cone.

He started having car trouble, so he pulled to the side of the road.
A little while later some cops pull up to help.
After they check his car, they tell him, "It looks like you blew a seal" and he goes, "Oh, no, I was just eating an ice cream cone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uoznq/a_penguin_was_driving_down_the_street_eating_a/
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What do you get when you mix human DNA and Gorilla DNA?

Kicked out of the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uoxey/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_human_dna_and/
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They came for our homonyms and I said nothing. They came for our synonyms and still, I said nothing. Nil. Zilch. Nada.

When they came for our antonyms, I was opposed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uowt2/they_came_for_our_homonyms_and_i_said_nothing/
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1 + 1 = 3

For very large values of 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uoup8/1_1_3/
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The mine shaft

These 2 kids are out playing in a big open area and come upon a mine shaft.
They're wondering how deep it is, so one of them throws a rock down the hole.
They wait, but they can't hear it hit bottom.
So they figure they'll throw something bigger down the hole and together they pick up a big rock and heave it off the edge.
They wait, but they still can't hear it hit bottom.
They figure they need to look for something bigger, then they find a railroad tie. They each pick up an end.
They heave it off the edge into the hole and are waiting...suddenly a goat runs between them and jumps down the hole.
They're looking at each other in disbelief, wondering what just happened, when a farmer walks up and asks them if they've seen a goat.
One of the boys says, "Yeah mister, as a matter of fact, a goat just ran between us and jumped down that hole a few minutes ago".
The farmer says, "Couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uou0z/the_mine_shaft/
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An ugly girl grabbed my butt today....

...I turned around and asked her, "Do you have a pen?"
She smiled and said, "Of course I do!"
I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uoouh/an_ugly_girl_grabbed_my_butt_today/
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I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uoolv/i_dont_believe_in_bros_before_hoes_or_hoes_before/
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What do instruments do to reproduce?

They have sax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uombi/what_do_instruments_do_to_reproduce/
%
Jesus must be white.

'cause he tastes like a cracker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uom9p/jesus_must_be_white/
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I quit watching porn for the same reason people go vegan.

I don't like it when animals get hurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uokbg/i_quit_watching_porn_for_the_same_reason_people/
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A flasher exposes himself to three old women sitting on a park bench.

Two of them have a stroke.  The third can't quite reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uoka8/a_flasher_exposes_himself_to_three_old_women/
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A Bear and a Rabbit...

A bear and a Rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The Bear asks the Rabbit "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?". The Rabbit says "No". So the Bear wipes his ass with the Rabbit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uoiqt/a_bear_and_a_rabbit/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uoimn/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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A student visits the principal’s office one day...

The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” The student replies: “T-T-T-on-on-on-tony, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?” The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uoe9h/a_student_visits_the_principals_office_one_day/
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Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucification?

CrossFit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uocrr/why_did_jesus_look_so_ripped_during_crucification/
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An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.
"We have a bet at this bar," says the muscles with a mouth. "I take one half of a lemon, squeeze it as hard as I am capable, then hand the lemon to you. If you can squeeze even a single drop of lemon juice from the lemon, free drinks for life."
The old man considers this while he finishes his beer. Placing his empty glass down, he pipes up, "I will take your challenge."
As-wide-as-tall makes a noise like a chuckle through his Jumanji beard "You're having a laugh. No way. My pinkie weighs as much as you, Skinandbones. We've had lumberjacks, linemen, bodybuilders almost as enormous as myself try. No one, *NO ONE,* has ever squozen a drop from the lemon."
"That's quite alright. I'll take your challenge nonetheless."
"Alright, but you buy the lemon, Dachshund."
So the man puts down 59¢
The tree with legs cuts the lemon in two and squeezes one half as hard as he can, muscles and veins pumping comically, juicing the tart yellow glob entirely, and handing the remains over to the old man, each as dry as the Sahara.
The human stick figure carefully wraps his soft digits around the rind, and slowly closes them into a fist.
He does not squeeze a single drop, but two. Then three and four and five and six and seven and eight and nine and ten drops.
The bar has gone completely silent, a multitude of flabbergast.
"How?" stammers the great Goliath behind the counter. "What are you, who do you work for?"
"The IRS of course."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uo9y7/an_old_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_jar_full/
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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when…

…an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the  helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer, and from that building it is only 20 miles South West to the airport"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uo7uw/a_helicopter_was_flying_around_above_seattle/
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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.
At first, this seemed simple enough, but the animal turned out to be insufferable. It bit whenever he fed it, it crapped on everything, and taunted him constantly. The parrot seemed to have a supernatural sense for which buttons to push to get under his skin.
After one particularly bad day of ceaseless abuse, the man was fed up. He yanked the parrot from its perch, ripped open the freezer, and hurled the creature in, slamming the door behind it.
The parrot's muffled curses continued, followed by a terrible shriek, then silence. The man grew concerned, fearing his temper had cost the beast its life and him his new fortune.
After a moment, the parrot once again spoke, uttering a meek apology. Shocked and relieved, the man opened the freezer. There stood the parrot, shivering in the cold. He extended his hand, onto which it tenderly climbed. Looking him in the eye, the parrot squawked, "Sir, I apologize for my behavior. Truly, I have not been myself since your aunt died, and I'm afraid I've been taking it out on you. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?"
Stunned at this sudden change in the bird's demeanor, the man nodded. The parrot sighed in relief and gazed back into the freezer. "If you don't mind my asking, ...what did the turkey do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uo7dj/a_man_inherited_a_massive_sum_of_money_from_his/
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A man goes into the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “You have to stop masturbating.”
Man says, “why?”
“Cause I’m examining you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uo5pw/a_man_goes_into_the_doctor/
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Olie & Lena are driving down the road in their Model T...

Suddenly, a mother skunk enters the roadway with her two young babies. Olie can’t stop in time and runs the mother over.
It winter time and Lena jumps out of the car to rescue the two orphans. She gets them back in and they’re shivering:
“Oh, Olie! They’re so cold! What should I do to warm them up?”
“Why don’t you put them between your legs?”
“Oh, but Olie- what about the terrible smell?”
“They’re skunks, Lena. I don’t think they’ll mind.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uo1nj/olie_lena_are_driving_down_the_road_in_their/
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My chiropractor never tells me any jokes...

But he cracks me up every time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uo0io/my_chiropractor_never_tells_me_any_jokes/
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Teacher : "Why are you late for class?"

Student: "Someone told me to go to hell."
Teacher: "Why did that make you late to class?"
Student: "I couldn't find it at first, but now here I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7unvq7/teacher_why_are_you_late_for_class/
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I wrote a game about insects that didn’t go well.

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the “it’s buggy as hell” reviews as good ratings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7unuid/i_wrote_a_game_about_insects_that_didnt_go_well/
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What do you call an Italian hooker?

A PASTA-tute!
I am so sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7untvv/what_do_you_call_an_italian_hooker/
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Why did the suicidal man get his pilot's license?

Because he didn't want to die alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7unqk5/why_did_the_suicidal_man_get_his_pilots_license/
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Smart Potion

A kid is on his lawn, playing with mud. A man walks up to him and asks, “What are you doing?” The kid says, “Making a smart potion. Would you like some?” So the man says, “Sure. I’ll try some.” So the kid gives the man a bit of the mud in a cup to drink. When the man drank it, he yelled, “Blech! This is mud!” So the kid says, “See, getting smarter already.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7unnq3/smart_potion/
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How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce “unionized”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7unmug/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7unjiv/whats_forrest_gumps_password/
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I love it when girls give me cute nicknames...

Like "help" or "get off me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7unj4u/i_love_it_when_girls_give_me_cute_nicknames/
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Excess vs. Surplus

So this is a true story from my Air Force days and I would like to say it is a testament to how things have changed over decades, but this dates to circa 1983.  I was a Lieutenant in a role in my squadron responsible for, among many things, materials that we had leftover from different projects we completed.  It was piling cup in our materiel yard and so we had a meeting with the supply squadron about returning some of it to the supply system vs. sending it off as scrap (colloquially called reutilization). Supply had sent a Major to the meeting.  During the course of the meeting I had ignorantly used the words "surplus" and "excess" interchangeably.  The major stopped me and asked, "lieutenant, which is it? Excess or surplus"?  To which I replied "what's the difference"?  The Major quickly said, "Excess is that part of the tit you can't fit into your mouth.  Surplus is the other tit".  From that moment forward, I have clearly understood the difference and it will be indelibly etched upon my memory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ungya/excess_vs_surplus/
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Why are catholic priests adressed as "father"?

"Daddy" would be too obvious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7unel5/why_are_catholic_priests_adressed_as_father/
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My son is so ungrateful

I Bought him a trampoline for his birthday and all he did was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7un7h8/my_son_is_so_ungrateful/
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What happens when you make your SO leave the concert early with you?

You'll never hear the end of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7un6vx/what_happens_when_you_make_your_so_leave_the/
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How do you turn a fox into a cow?

You marry it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7un3cd/how_do_you_turn_a_fox_into_a_cow/
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I bought my friend an elephant for their room

They said "Thank you"
I said "Don't mention it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7un3bn/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_their_room/
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How does a constipated mathematician poop?

They work it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7un2zg/how_does_a_constipated_mathematician_poop/
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What do you do if you are attacked by a circus mob?

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7un2nv/what_do_you_do_if_you_are_attacked_by_a_circus_mob/
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What happens when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7un05h/what_happens_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
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What do you call it when it's raining Nazis?

A heilstorm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7umw24/what_do_you_call_it_when_its_raining_nazis/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7umu1a/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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Me: Did you know that the fish in Egypt dont believe in global warming?

Friend: ....
Me:  Yeah, they're in Da Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7umtmf/me_did_you_know_that_the_fish_in_egypt_dont/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man goes into a bar in New York where there is a robot bartender.  The robot says, “What will you have?
The guy replies, “Whiskey.”
The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “168.”
The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
After the guy leaves and, the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.
The robot asks, “What’s your drink?”
The guy answers, “Whiskey.”
The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
The man replies, “100.” The robot talks about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Lions, and LSU.
The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in this “experiment” that he decides to go back. He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.
The man replies, “Whiskey.”
The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
The man answers, “50.”
The robot leans in real close and asks,  “So . . . are . . . you people . . . still unhappy Hillary didn't get in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7umow6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Dear Satan,

For Christmas, I want a cure for my dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7umm7a/dear_satan/
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If you masturbate too much it becomes harder to retain information.

There was a punchline for this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7umkn3/if_you_masturbate_too_much_it_becomes_harder_to/
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Research has shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7umgnl/research_has_shown_that_smoking_weed_causes_short/
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Did you know that if you drink the fluid in a Magic 8 Ball, you can see the future?

My friend Todd tried it. He said he was going to die, and then he did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7um9tf/did_you_know_that_if_you_drink_the_fluid_in_a/
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Why are sandwiches the food of choice in Alabama?

Because they're all in bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7um8pj/why_are_sandwiches_the_food_of_choice_in_alabama/
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A ventriloquist walks into a bar...

He walks up to the barman and says 'Hey, I'm a ventriloquist'
Barman: Oh yeah? Are you any good?
Barman: I'm the best

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7um00j/a_ventriloquist_walks_into_a_bar/
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3 friends are sharing one bed in a motel room

As they're waking up in the morning, the friend on the left says, "Man, I had the best dream last night that I was getting a hand job!" The friend on the right says, "That's crazy! I had the exact same dream!" Then the friend in the middle says, "Really?! I had a dream I was skiing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ulya7/3_friends_are_sharing_one_bed_in_a_motel_room/
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Why was the ninja so good at baking pastries?

Because he had a black belt in martial tarts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ulyaa/why_was_the_ninja_so_good_at_baking_pastries/
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Archaeologists have been searching around ..

Archaeologists have been searching around The Great Pyramids, and have come across a mummy covered in hazelnuts and chocolate. After more research it has been discovered it was the late Pharaoh Roche

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ulvsi/archaeologists_have_been_searching_around/
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What’s the difference between a trisquit and a lesbian?

Ones a snack cracker, ones a crack snacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uls1i/whats_the_difference_between_a_trisquit_and_a/
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"I stand corrected!"

Said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ulodh/i_stand_corrected/
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[NSFW]: A woman walks into a bar ...

A woman walks into a bar and appears to be depressed. Alone, she begins drinking heavily. A man walks into the bar soon after with the same expression on his face and sits a few stools down from her while also beginning to drink heavily. Eventually, the woman slides down and asks him what's wrong.
"My girlfriend just broke up with me because I'm too kinky," he replied.
"You're kidding" she says, "That's the exact same reason my boyfriend just broke up with me."
They drink a little more and eventually she suggests they go back to her place. "We clearly have a lot in common so let's go get kinky together," she says. He happily agrees.
They get back to her place and she tells him to wait there while she goes to slip into something a little more comfortable. She goes upstairs and opens up her collection of dominatrix accessories: thigh high leather boots, nipple clamps, whips, chains, handcuffs, ball gags, dildos - the works. She gets dressed and walks downstairs just in time to see him putting on his coat getting ready to leave.
"Where are you going? I thought we were gonna get kinky?"
"Look lady, I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse. I'm outta here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ulo7y/nsfw_a_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
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My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ulnra/my_bank_has_a_new_feature_where_theyll_text_you/
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I bumped into my dad in a brothel last night,

I was speechless. I thought he worked in a bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uln1a/i_bumped_into_my_dad_in_a_brothel_last_night/
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"Son, you'll go blind if you masturbate too much."

"Dad, I'm over here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ul8mk/son_youll_go_blind_if_you_masturbate_too_much/
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A Man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money on the counter. He asks the Bar tender what its for. The bar tender tells him that they have a donkey in the back, if anyone can make it laugh they get the money. The man goes to the back and a few moments later the donkey is laughing, he takes the money and leaves.
A week later he comes back to the same bar and there is another jar of money. The guy asks what it is for and the bartender tells him the same donkey is in the back, if you can make it cry you get the money. The man walks to the back and a few minutes later comes back and the donkey is crying. He goes to grab the money and the bartender stops him. "You have to tell me how you did that." The man replies "The first time to make him laugh I told him I had a bigger penis than him, the second time I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ul2mg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I’ll ride you like the Titanic

End prematurely and sea men going everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ul2af/ill_ride_you_like_the_titanic/
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What do you get if you put honey on your dick?

A penis fly trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ul23k/what_do_you_get_if_you_put_honey_on_your_dick/
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What's the difference between a compound sentence and a cat?

One has a pause at the end of its clause, the other has claws at the end of its paws!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ul1r6/whats_the_difference_between_a_compound_sentence/
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Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ul1dz/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
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I often get the order wrong...

What do I have in common with an incompetent fry cook?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ul14a/i_often_get_the_order_wrong/
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A German Tourist Visiting America Walks into a McDonald's...

A German Tourist Visiting America Walks into a McDonald's and, as was customary to do so in his home country, orders a beer. The man behind him loudly mocks him, "They don't serve **beer** here you fucking idiot!" The German shamefully apologies to the cashier and turns to leave.
As he's going through the door, he starts laughing. "What? *What's so funny?!?* Demands the man at the front. "I just realized," the German responds, "you come here for the food!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ukuiv/a_german_tourist_visiting_america_walks_into_a/
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A guy is being examined by his doctor

The doctor seems troubled.
“How’s it looking doc?” the guy asks. “Anything I should worry about?”
“Bad luck” says the doctor “I think you might die soon. Mercury is in Uranus”
The guy laughs “Ha! Don’t worry, I don’t put any faith it that astrology nonsense”
“No” says the doctor “I mean my thermometer broke off in your ass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ukrqt/a_guy_is_being_examined_by_his_doctor/
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Two men were walking down the street...

When they came across a dog licking it's balls... The first man chuckled, "man, I wish I could do that"…..... The second man replied, "it might be a good idea to see if you can pet him first".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ukosp/two_men_were_walking_down_the_street/
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My friend Ray just passed away :(

He was on the donar list. Apparently they used his eyes to give some poor blind sod his eye sight back.
Its a miracle really, now he's got ex Ray vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ukn2l/my_friend_ray_just_passed_away/
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Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

Because it wasn't born yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ukm5b/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_fetus/
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16 sodium atoms walk into a bar...

Followed by Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uki3m/16_sodium_atoms_walk_into_a_bar/
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What happens when you shoot Napoleon with a cannon?

He becomes Napoleon Blownaparte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ukhgj/what_happens_when_you_shoot_napoleon_with_a_cannon/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a frame of Jesus?

you only need one nail to hang the frame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ukg2w/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_frame_of/
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What do you call a mammal that clickbaits on Reddit?

A Karmadillo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ukg2u/what_do_you_call_a_mammal_that_clickbaits_on/
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You know how I could tell my room mate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ukem2/you_know_how_i_could_tell_my_room_mate_is_gay/
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the ends of its paws, the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uk9au/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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My wife always wants to talk to me after sex

I don’t mind the talking, it’s just that her phone calls always wake me up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uk4tf/my_wife_always_wants_to_talk_to_me_after_sex/
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A man walks into a bar...

...and was disqualified from the limbo dance competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uk3sl/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Dick, John, and Harry are walking through a forest...

...and they each trip over a magical rock,  Dick trips over the rock and yells, “Shit!”, turning him into a pile of shit. Harry trips over the rock and yells, “Crap!”, turning him into a pile of crap. John trips over the rock and yells, “Harry, Dick! NOOO!”...turning him into a hairy dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ujtkl/dick_john_and_harry_are_walking_through_a_forest/
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Three young women at a party

were trying to
impress each other by bragging about their husbands.
The first said: "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera this summer. We're going to hire a yacht and hang out with movie stars."
The second said: "My husband just bought me a new Mercedes."
Unimpressed, the third said: "We don't have expensive material possessions, but one thing I can tell you about my husband: thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
Hearing this, the first woman looked ashamed and admitted: "I was lying. We're not really going to the French Riviera."
The second woman confessed: "And my husband didn't really buy me a Mercedes. It was a Toyota.
The third wife said: I,too, have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ujtgg/three_young_women_at_a_party/
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What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

"That was great, see you again next month!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ujsni/what_did_the_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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What would America and Canada be called if they joined together?

The US of Eh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ujqu8/what_would_america_and_canada_be_called_if_they/
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A man is on the roof of a bar drinking a beer.

A woman walks up to him and takes a seat, after a while she turns to the man and asks what he is drinking. "Me? Oh, I'm drinking a magic beer" he replies confidently . She tells him to prove it and the man jumps off of the building, falling ten stories, but right before he hits the ground he flies right back up!
"Wow! Let me try some!" She takes the beer, drinks it, then jumps off the building and falls to her death. The man walks back inside to order another beer when the bartender says to him "You know, you're a real jerk when your drunk superman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ujqs1/a_man_is_on_the_roof_of_a_bar_drinking_a_beer/
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I specifically asked for no mayo on my sandwich.

What the Hellman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ujmx0/i_specifically_asked_for_no_mayo_on_my_sandwich/
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A Jewish congregation...

in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."
The girl gets up and starts to get dressed.
The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ujftd/a_jewish_congregation/
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There is a new holiday in Russia called National Sobriety Day.

People are at a loss as to how to celebrate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ujd9k/there_is_a_new_holiday_in_russia_called_national/
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Busted

One Saturday morning a man leaves home for a morning golf game. He kisses his wife goodbye and tells her that he will be home after lunch.
He doesn’t come home after lunch, or even in the middle of the afternoon. His wife is both worried and angry. Finally, about an hour after dark he comes home.
His wife confronts him and asks him where he has been. He says, “I’m so sorry. I have to tell you what happened. I shot the round of my life, and the guys insisted on buying me a beer.  We went to bar, and I had a little more than I should. There was a beautiful woman there who started talking to me, and we really hit it off. She was flirty and eventually invited me to her apartment for a glass of wine. I should have said ‘no,’ but I went. We spent the afternoon in her apartment having sex. I’m really sorry. It was a mistake, and I hope that you can forgive me.”
His wife, who has listened patiently to this story, looks at him with anger in her eyes and says, “You son of bitch. You played 36 holes didn’t you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ujcmf/busted/
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An older couple is having trouble with their sex life, and the husband is too embarrassed to speak with a doctor.

The wife decides that she will see if her doctor can help them out, so she makes an appointment.
"What's going on?" the doctor inquires. "I just saw you a few weeks ago and you were in great shape!"
"Oh it's not for me," she tells him. "It's my husband, he's been having trouble becoming erect and it is taking a toll on our relationship. He's too embarrassed to speak to a doctor so I told him I would try."
The doctor thought for moment. "Now normally I would not provide Viagra without the patient present, but I will give you a couple of samples to try and check back with you in a week."
The woman thanked the doctor profusely and took the samples home with her. A week later she gets a call from the doctor.
"So how did it go?" he asks.
"It was absolutely amazing!" she squeals. "I slipped it in his coffee and within moments he was ravaging my body like he never has before!"
"Glad to hear it!" the doctor says. "Will your husband be coming in for a prescription?"
"Of course," she tells the doctor, "but we're not allowed in that Dunkin Donuts ever again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ujals/an_older_couple_is_having_trouble_with_their_sex/
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session

...with three young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it shows itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uj6nq/a_psychiatrist_was_conducting_a_group_therapy/
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What did the blind man say when he was handed a cheese grater?

Wow! That's the most violent thing I've read in a while!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uj69o/what_did_the_blind_man_say_when_he_was_handed_a/
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Do you know what social security sex is?

It’s when you get a little every month, but it’s not enough to live off of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uj65h/do_you_know_what_social_security_sex_is/
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A Man Asks for Three Shots At Once

One day a man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “I’m gonna be having three shots, please. But, rather than one shot at a time, I’d like all three at once”
The bartender is confused by this request and asks, “why?”
The man replies, “Well, you see, I’m very close to my two brothers but we all live around the globe and rarely see each other. So when we drink separately we get two extra shots to feel closer and remember one another.”
The bartender understands and gives the man his shots and they’re all downed quite quickly.
The next day the man comes in and the bartender says, “Hey! You want those three shots again?”
The man smiles and says, “Yup! Three shots”
He drinks all three and is happily thinking about his two brothers.
The third day the man comes in, the bartender calls out, “You want those three shots?”
But the man looks down with a somber face and raises his hand with two fingers, “I’m only going to need two from now on” he says as he sits down in a sulking silence.
The bartender, not wanting to pry but still very curious, says to the man, “Listen, I know it’s none of my business but are you okay, man? Did something happen to one of your brothers?”
The man looks down and says calmly, “No no, they’re all doing fine. I’ve just decided to quit drinking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uj61s/a_man_asks_for_three_shots_at_once/
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Found 4 fox cubs

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uj4h4/found_4_fox_cubs/
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I was talking to a North Korean about freedom

I told him, "You know what's the best thing about freedom? If I ever see President Trump, I can shout, 'Hey Mr. President, you're an asshole!'"
The North Korean answered, "I have that freedom too. If I ever see President Kim, I can shout, 'Hey Supreme Leader, Donald Trump is an asshole!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uj3ob/i_was_talking_to_a_north_korean_about_freedom/
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A guy with a long face enters a shoe store

He asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. He tries them on, and although the salesman thinks they are a bit tight on the front, he buys them.
On the next day, the same guy comes back and asks to change the shoes with a size 7. The salesman fetches a pair to try on. This time the shoes are quite tight, it's even hard to put them on. The salesman insists on a bigger size, but the guy confirms that he really likes them this way.
On the third day, the guy is back at the store. He now asks for a size 6. The salesman can't believe it but brings a pair of size 6. Now it's really ridiculous. They have to get a shoehorn, and push together. They are all stretched and it looks like they are going to explode at any time. The salesman insists, warns the guy that he is going to get blisters, but without luck.
On the fourth day, the same guy comes back and asks for a size 5. Now the salesman refuses to fetch a smaller pair.
"What's wrong with you and the size of your shoes??"
"Listen man, I used to live with my wonderful wife in our sweet house. I came home one day to find her cheating on me, and we divorced. To keep the house, I got in tons of debt, and I paid her half of the mortgage. Only to realize that the roof is leaking and I have no money to repair it. They cut my electricity because I am not paying the bills. I have to work three jobs, to go home at night, sit in the dark, with rain plucking on my head. Can I at least have some joy when I take off my shoes?"
(English not my first language, be gentle)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uj1g8/a_guy_with_a_long_face_enters_a_shoe_store/
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I got pulled over by a female cop..

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said "NOTHING"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uj0qt/i_got_pulled_over_by_a_female_cop/
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A horse walks into a bar,

The bartender says, “Hey!”
The horse replies, “Sure”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uj045/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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Bros v. Hoes

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uiz08/bros_v_hoes/
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A hundred years ago, everyone had horses and only the rich had cars, now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses,

Oh how the stables have turned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uiyha/a_hundred_years_ago_everyone_had_horses_and_only/
%
People think I'm an idiot, just because I'm a homeless man that asks people to debate with me.

I beg to differ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uixli/people_think_im_an_idiot_just_because_im_a/
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Why did the Soviets wait so long to fight the Nazis in World War 2?

Their leader was Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uiw5r/why_did_the_soviets_wait_so_long_to_fight_the/
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Job Interview

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?"
He says "Yes, just caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the service?" the interviewer asks.
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment here.", and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes... an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles
clean off." The interviewer tells the guy "O.K. In that case, I can hire
you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start
tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day.
Don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8am."
The guy is puzzled and says
"If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me to be here
before 10am?" "'This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uiszu/job_interview/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter. It won't come to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uirkn/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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A baseball walks into a bar.

Bartender throws him out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uir89/a_baseball_walks_into_a_bar/
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Buying a Barbie

Bob is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?” In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?” She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.” Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?” “That’s obvious,” the saleslady says. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture...''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uiqbn/buying_a_barbie/
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Why did the slave pay in cash?

He didn't have his Mastercard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uioe4/why_did_the_slave_pay_in_cash/
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What do you call 5 black guys having sex?

A threesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uintk/what_do_you_call_5_black_guys_having_sex/
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My friend got mad at me after I kept hitting him with a wooden board.

I told him, “It’s just a plank, bro.”
“It’s just a plank.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uiliy/my_friend_got_mad_at_me_after_i_kept_hitting_him/
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132 LEGS AND 8 TEETH

Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uiff3/132_legs_and_8_teeth/
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A NUN and A SOLDIER (x-post)

A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked,
"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to war to Syria. .
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Syria either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uie98/a_nun_and_a_soldier_xpost/
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Masturbation is a useful part of life

It comes in handy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uid3d/masturbation_is_a_useful_part_of_life/
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A Roman Centurion walks into a bar . . .

The Centurion says, “I’ll have a martinus.”
The bartender replies, “Oh, you mean a martini.”
The Centurion slams his fist on the table and yells, “If I wanted a double, I would’ve said so!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uicn5/a_roman_centurion_walks_into_a_bar/
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The joke is on him (long)

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uibne/the_joke_is_on_him_long/
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

thats good... my illegal logging business is a success.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uiaqq/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_forest_and_no_one_is/
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The urge to sing the song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is only ever a whim away...

A WHIM AWAY, A WHIM AWAY, A WHIM AWAY...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uiaou/the_urge_to_sing_the_song_the_lion_sleeps_tonight/
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I made a bet with a friend of mine that I could lose more weight than him in a month

I lost 10 pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uial6/i_made_a_bet_with_a_friend_of_mine_that_i_could/
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Why did the Mexican take his Xanax?

For hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uiaeh/why_did_the_mexican_take_his_xanax/
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One umbrella turns to another and says

"You don't really look that good bro".
The other replies, "Yeah, I've been feeling kinda under the weather".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ui9in/one_umbrella_turns_to_another_and_says/
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I am Responsible

Employer : We need someone for this Job, who is Responsible.
Applicant : Sir, your search ends here, in my previous job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I am Responsible..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ui8kb/i_am_responsible/
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I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.

Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ui8eu/i_started_carrying_a_gun_after_being_involved_in/
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What is a Mexican's favorite sport?

Cross-country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ui81m/what_is_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
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Why can‘t a bicycle stand on it‘s own?

Because it is two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ui1x5/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
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Did you hear the joke about thr guy with the Midas Touch and an Oediupus Complex....

It's pure, motherfucking gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ui0lz/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_thr_guy_with_the/
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Eclipse is when earth is between sun and moon, what is it called when sun is between earth and moon ?

Apocalypse
P.S . My 11 yr old nephew said this and I found it very funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ui07p/eclipse_is_when_earth_is_between_sun_and_moon/
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I've been having trouble meeting girls, so I asked my dad for some advice. He said that if I wanted to break the ice, the next time I go out, I should use this pickup line...

"Ford F-150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra, Nissan Titan, GMC Sierra, Honda Ridgeline..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uhzph/ive_been_having_trouble_meeting_girls_so_i_asked/
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From a kid in the local chess club

Kid: Do you know why bishops move diagonally?
Me: No, why?
Kid: Because catholic priests never go straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uhz7p/from_a_kid_in_the_local_chess_club/
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Jack was a new teacher and was giving a big test to his students.

He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.
Jack noticed that one of the students had attached a 100 dollar bill to his test with a message saying "A dollar per point."
The next class Jack handed the tests back out.
This student got back his test... and $56 change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uhymo/jack_was_a_new_teacher_and_was_giving_a_big_test/
%
Woman stand in queue in Soviet Union for seven hours

When she go in - shop empty.
Woman: Oh - You have no fish?
Comrade shopkeeper: No, here is no meat. No fish - next door!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uhwcp/woman_stand_in_queue_in_soviet_union_for_seven/
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I remember being told that every time you shave it off,it grows back thicker.

I can't wait to see my new cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uhrfl/i_remember_being_told_that_every_time_you_shave/
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A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uhpl9/a_blonde_finds_herself_in_serious_money_trouble/
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Why did the slave go to college?

So he could get into a good field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uhooi/why_did_the_slave_go_to_college/
%
Where does a sheep go to get his haircut?

The baa-aaa-rber shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uhmlp/where_does_a_sheep_go_to_get_his_haircut/
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They say a kiss can make your whole day

But anal can make your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uhlbq/they_say_a_kiss_can_make_your_whole_day/
%
I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die"

I was surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uhk1g/i_just_read_a_list_of_100_things_to_do_before_you/
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My friend called me a cunt because i always buy him socks for Xmas

I said, " You bastard, its the thought that counts".
I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uhii4/my_friend_called_me_a_cunt_because_i_always_buy/
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Google Joke

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uhgcc/google_joke/
%
Jokes are just like people...

...not everyone appreciates the dark ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uhaxc/jokes_are_just_like_people/
%
Two Beach Boys walk into a bar.

“Round?”
“Round.”
“Get a round?”
“I’ll get a round!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uhagz/two_beach_boys_walk_into_a_bar/
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A train carrying republicans to a retreat crashed into a garbage truck.

It's all ok everybody. The trash was completely unharmed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uh9ik/a_train_carrying_republicans_to_a_retreat_crashed/
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An Investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uh80n/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say when he heard Anakin had joined the dark side?

(shrugs)
"Well, Sith happens"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uh5ob/what_did_obiwan_kenobi_say_when_he_heard_anakin/
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of $100 bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"
The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."
The guy looks down to see a 6'4 300lb guy and says "Well, I don't think I can do that. What's the other two parts?"
"After that, you have to go outside. Around back is where we keep Big Jim's dog. He's the baddest junkyard dog you've ever seen. You have to go get a tooth out of his mouth. And then, when you're done with that you have to go upstairs. There you'll find Big Jim's mom. She's 70 years old and never had an orgasm in her life. You've gotta go up there and fuck her to completion."
The man says "Wow, I can see why the jar is so full."
After a few hours of drinking the man get sloppy drunk and says "Fuck it," slaps down a $100 and jumps up on the bar and runs down and kicks Big Jim square in the jaw knocking him out cold. The bartender is stunned, as this is the furthest anyone has made it. The man runs outside to the cheers of the patrons and everyone hears snarling and growling and grows silent. Moments later they hear the dog whimper and then yelp, then nothing.
Moments later the man drunkenly stumbles back in and says "Alright, now where's the old lady with the tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uh5c5/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_jar_of_100/
%
This is your captain speaking,

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uh4ew/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uh439/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
I don't make mistakes twice

I repeat them five or six times just to make sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uh32s/i_dont_make_mistakes_twice/
%
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.

He told me to take one, action

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uh2i1/i_told_my_doctor_i_was_paranoid_my_life_was_being/
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The problem with America is stupidity.

So why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uh29b/the_problem_with_america_is_stupidity/
%
A Wife was Making Breakfast

...of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ugyb5/a_wife_was_making_breakfast/
%
My sunscreen said to "apply liberally"...

...so i cried about Trump while i put it on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uguty/my_sunscreen_said_to_apply_liberally/
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I was trying to remember all the vampires I know.

But I forgot to Count Dracula.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uguk0/i_was_trying_to_remember_all_the_vampires_i_know/
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A man is facing trial for a motor vehicle theft.

Judge: "This is a serious charge, young man. How do you plead to these allegations?"
*The man whispers something quietly to his lawyer*
Lawyer: Are... Are you sure?
Man: Yes, absolutely.
Lawyer: "Your honor, the defendant would like to plead guilty to the charges laid against him."
*The judge looks to the man*
Judge: "It takes a strong man to own up to his crimes. This is a smart move, son. Those who admit to their crimes are met with a fairer sentence. You seem like you have a good head  on your shoulders; so, I must ask, why did you steal the car in the first place?"
Man: "My car is out of commission at the moment, and I needed to get to work. I haven't missed a day in my life."
Judge: "I see... Why didn't you just take a bus?"
*The courtroom falls into complete and utter silence; everyone listening intently to hear the defendant's response*
Man: "Well, your honor, I don't have a driver's license for a bus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ugssf/a_man_is_facing_trial_for_a_motor_vehicle_theft/
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No matter what they tell you, ear sex simply isn't a good idea

That's how you end up with hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ugoon/no_matter_what_they_tell_you_ear_sex_simply_isnt/
%
How does Darth Vader take his coffee?

You would think black right? But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ugmue/how_does_darth_vader_take_his_coffee/
%
So I told my girlfriend to hang up...

Her: You hang up first!
Me: No, you hang up!
Her: Stop it! You hang up!
Me: Wait, did you even bring the second rope for me?
Her: Oh.
It was a sad funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ugmrv/so_i_told_my_girlfriend_to_hang_up/
%
A mother is helping her son study for a test

She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"
He replies "Berlin."
She then asks "What is the capital of France?"
He replies "Berlin."
She asks "What is the capital of Russia?"
He replies "Berlin."
She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ugkwu/a_mother_is_helping_her_son_study_for_a_test/
%
Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane...

Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, why don't you go ask that nice flight attendant, I'm sure she'll have an answer."
So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?"
Immediately the flight attendant is suspicious, "Did your mother tell you to come over here and ask me that?"... "Yep", answers the little girl.
So the flight attendant thinks on it for a few seconds then kneels down to the daughters level.
"You go over there and you tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ugkt3/mother_daughter_are_on_a_plane/
%
So a you see a group of hot blondes walk into the bar

and claimed a booth, Greg had idly thought it was probably time for a bachelorette party or a girls' night out.
When a group of religious leaders had strolled through and gathered at the bar, he had wondered—a little more actively—if he had ever actually seen any such persons in his bar before. If he had, he couldn't remember. He served their drinks and continued to clean and straighten his surroundings, talking to his usual patrons.
When a group of plaid-clad individuals walked in talking about their individual theories on science and math and other things Greg didn't really understand, he started to get a little bit suspicious. A frown settled itself into the lines of his face and tugged downward at his mouth. He cleaned a little more rigidly.
It was when the horse walked in that Greg got pissed.
"So, I guess I'm supposed to ask, 'Why the long face now?' Is that right?" Greg screamed at the horse. He threw his towel down and put his hands on his hips.
The hum of the bar abruptly stopped.
"Um, son, horses can't talk," the Rabbi in the corner told him gently.
The group of blond women murmured in agreement and the scientists all nodded enthusiastically.
"That said," one scientist spoke up, "it is quite dangerous to be in a bar with a horse. Shall we go?"
The people all gathered their things and left, emptying the bar but for Greg and the horse.
"Well, that sucks," Greg said.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sad about it," the horse whispered.
────────

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ugij6/so_a_you_see_a_group_of_hot_blondes_walk_into_the/
%
If only Steve Irwin wore sunglasses

They might have protected him from harmful rays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uggu7/if_only_steve_irwin_wore_sunglasses/
%
What do you call a stripper without legs?

A night crawler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ugeur/what_do_you_call_a_stripper_without_legs/
%
Age is just a number...

And jail is just a place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ugekv/age_is_just_a_number/
%
I just realised that a woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes"

Are exactly the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ug95c/i_just_realised_that_a_womans_ill_be_ready_in_5/
%
A man goes into a job interview

, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ug74z/a_man_goes_into_a_job_interview/
%
In the city, a guy was caught taking out all the red bulbs in traffic lights after months of going unseen

He wasn't sure what led to his capture, since he was pulling out all the stops to not get caught.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ug6e6/in_the_city_a_guy_was_caught_taking_out_all_the/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ug13t/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
%
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ug0p5/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
Sex is like pizza...

If you're gonna use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ug0az/sex_is_like_pizza/
%
Frank must have been a major asshole.

Whenever people try to be him they end up saying something unpleasant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ug0a5/frank_must_have_been_a_major_asshole/
%
What do you call a big pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ufug6/what_do_you_call_a_big_pile_of_kittens/
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I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ufs6y/i_used_to_think_the_brain_was_the_most_important/
%
A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with the ship's steering wheel attached to the front of his pants.
The bartender says : "Hey pirate, you got a steering wheel coming out of your pants."
The pirate nods and says : "Arrgh! It's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ufqp4/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian

Soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ufpl5/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
%
I'll never forget the last thing my grandpa said just before he died.

You still holding that fuckin' ladder?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ufpir/ill_never_forget_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said/
%
My dream is to marry into a family of lawyers,

Open a law firm with my husbands mom, and call it “Mother and daughter in law”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ufmmm/my_dream_is_to_marry_into_a_family_of_lawyers/
%
Guard: Get in your cell

Me: You can’t make me, you don’t run this cell
Guard: *Rips off mask to reveal mitochondria* Actually I do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ufi3p/guard_get_in_your_cell/
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What is it called when kitchen appliances get together for a meeting?

A cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ufdur/what_is_it_called_when_kitchen_appliances_get/
%
What do you call a Jamaican who goes swimming in Egypt?

In denial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ufd30/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_who_goes_swimming_in/
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What did the letter O say to the letter Q?

Dude, your dick is out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ufawp/what_did_the_letter_o_say_to_the_letter_q/
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Mixed Emotions

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.
The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uf077/mixed_emotions/
%
My doctor just wrote me a prescription for liquid viagra.

Looking forward to pouring myself a stiff one.
#IllShowMyselfOut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uezs5/my_doctor_just_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_liquid/
%
A man finds a genie

The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will be your third wish? Think Carefully!" Says the genie.
The man ponders for a while and finally responds. "I want you to take this crowbar, and beat me half to death with it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ueyf4/a_man_finds_a_genie/
%
I just burned 2000 calories....

That's the last time I leave Brownies in the oven while I nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uexmo/i_just_burned_2000_calories/
%
I'm reading a book about meeting deadlines.

I should have finished it a week ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uewtm/im_reading_a_book_about_meeting_deadlines/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef
(Thanks Goldbergs)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uer9m/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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Us psych majors get a bad rep

People think we think we know what they’re thinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uepcy/us_psych_majors_get_a_bad_rep/
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This is top secret...

This is bottom secret...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uekqr/this_is_top_secret/
%
TIL Arthur Conan Doyle wrote a series of short stories about crimes committed by landscapers

He collectively referred to them as *Holmes and Gardens*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uejdu/til_arthur_conan_doyle_wrote_a_series_of_short/
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Gyroscopes?

Why not falafel-scopes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ueed0/gyroscopes/
%
A guy comes home from work....

.... and finds his wife watching the food channel and he asks, "Why do you even bother watching that channel? Nothing can help the way you cook." The wife smirks and says "Well, why do bother to watch porn!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uedl2/a_guy_comes_home_from_work/
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What do you call a fat psychic

A four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ueaf1/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar...

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ue72t/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss course. The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him, an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck...

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted with the results.
He calls the company and orders stage two.
The next day, there's a knock at the door and standing there is the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next few days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight when he weighs himself, he discovers that he's lost a good chunk of weight.
He decides to go for the final stage.
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7udzz9/an_overweight_man_calls_a_fitness_company_and/
%
What do call an obese transvestite?

A trans fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7udzot/what_do_call_an_obese_transvestite/
%
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored bicycles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7udvey/how_many_surrealists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I don’t always tell Dad jokes

But when I do, he grounds me and says I’m not funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uds1u/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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I spilled all of my peroxynitrite in the middle of an experiment

I was like : " ONOO^- "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7udoz8/i_spilled_all_of_my_peroxynitrite_in_the_middle/
%
What time is bed time at the Catholic church?

When the big hand touches the little hand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7udm56/what_time_is_bed_time_at_the_catholic_church/
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An old couple was lying in bed.

The husband let out a resounding fart and said, "Touchdown. Seven points.".
Immediately his wife ripped her own and went, "Touchdown. 7-7!"
The husband responded with another colder and said, "14-7 my game."
Just then the wife came back with another fart and declared, "14-14. I'm staying right with you!"
She then let out a little toot and said, "That must be a field goal. 17-14 my lead!"
Not to be outdone by his wife, the husband pushed as hard as he could to win this game. Unfortunately, he pushed too hard and shat the bed.
His wife asked, "What the heck was that?"
"Half time. Switch sides."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7udjxm/an_old_couple_was_lying_in_bed/
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Magician: And for my next trick I will dissapear

Magician: Fuck you pear you taste like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7udipw/magician_and_for_my_next_trick_i_will_dissapear/
%
Why don’t triangles have an SSA Congruence Theorem?

‘Cause that would be ass-backwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7udeyk/why_dont_triangles_have_an_ssa_congruence_theorem/
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Did you hear about the chick pea who released a autobiography 3 years after his death?

It was released post-hummus-ly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7udel6/did_you_hear_about_the_chick_pea_who_released_a/
%
Describe yourself in three words:

I am a rebel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uda11/describe_yourself_in_three_words/
%
How does a quadriplegic swimmer handle peer pressure?

He just goes with the flow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ud7vd/how_does_a_quadriplegic_swimmer_handle_peer/
%
Manscape

I'm not saying I need a pube trimmer, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinnochio has joined the Taliban

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ud6ty/manscape/
%
Why hasn't Russia had any women presidents?

Because Vladimir Putin isn't a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ud01y/why_hasnt_russia_had_any_women_presidents/
%
How did I escape from the Middle East?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ucxlv/how_did_i_escape_from_the_middle_east/
%
What is ‘BB-8’ short for?

He has no legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ucq0p/what_is_bb8_short_for/
%
“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”

“Johnny, close the goddamn door if you’re taking a poop.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uco7t/dad_look_im_a_3d_printer/
%
Last night, my wife got mad at me for kicking some ice cubes under the refrigerator...

...but now it's just water under the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ucmdi/last_night_my_wife_got_mad_at_me_for_kicking_some/
%
What kind of monkeys fly?

Hot air baboons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uclzc/what_kind_of_monkeys_fly/
%
A young boy is bathing with his mother

Boy says, “Whats that hairy thing mom?”
Mom replies, “That is my sponge.”
“Oh yes,” says the boy, “The babysitters got one, I’ve seen her washing dads face with it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ucld3/a_young_boy_is_bathing_with_his_mother/
%
An old man was driving along the highway...

...when a traffic emergency came on the radio.
"Attention all drivers on Highway 11, there is a lunatic driving on the wrong side of the road!"
The old man muttered to himself; "A lunatic? More like hundreds!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uck85/an_old_man_was_driving_along_the_highway/
%
It's not a big deal that people are now printing guns using 3D printers

I have had a Canon printer for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uccux/its_not_a_big_deal_that_people_are_now_printing/
%
How do you know if a sniper likes you?

She misses you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ucbv4/how_do_you_know_if_a_sniper_likes_you/
%
I just accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together, and at first started to panic…

But then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uca1g/i_just_accidentally_superglued_my_thumb_index/
%
Why don't aliens visit our Solar System?

Because of the terrible ratings. It only has one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uc9no/why_dont_aliens_visit_our_solar_system/
%
Three men

, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings."
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!"
With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uc7ff/three_men/
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Joke my 9 year old daughter, Emma made up: What kind of list does Emma have a hard time with?

List-ening!
(She has ADHD)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uc5lt/joke_my_9_year_old_daughter_emma_made_up_what/
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Nobody in the world knows what those tiny sideways triangles on a keyboard mean.

Well, more or less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uc4pj/nobody_in_the_world_knows_what_those_tiny/
%
What's the most important part about a joke? Timing.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uc3ss/whats_the_most_important_part_about_a_joke_timing/
%
Fibonacci Math

It's as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ubyvr/fibonacci_math/
%
What's the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ubxsn/whats_the_difference_between_an_entomologist_and/
%
I recently watched a pirated film.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give it a 3.14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ubw6t/i_recently_watched_a_pirated_film/
%
Why do police have file cabinets?

For organized crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ubuvd/why_do_police_have_file_cabinets/
%
Sex with my wife was getting boring so I hired a sexy young assistant.

He takes care of her while I play video games.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ubt1d/sex_with_my_wife_was_getting_boring_so_i_hired_a/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there,

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ubrwo/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_there/
%
What did baby corn say to mummy corn?

Where's popcorn?
.....Sorry.....I know this joke is corny.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ubp3i/what_did_baby_corn_say_to_mummy_corn/
%
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else…

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, “I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. ” She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, “Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down.” So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She replied ''I've only just finished picking it up, the bastard used change''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ubp22/johnny_wanted_to_have_sex_with_a_girl_in_his/
%
Crazy ex-gilrfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They’ll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ubnrl/crazy_exgilrfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Years ago I made friends with an egg yolk that was extremely shy.

But over time I helped it come out of it's shell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ubm4e/years_ago_i_made_friends_with_an_egg_yolk_that/
%
Spongebob was the most unrealistic kid's show

A teenager in a minimum wage job owning a house and car. Pfft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ublew/spongebob_was_the_most_unrealistic_kids_show/
%
I checked my call history and it said all the recent ones were Outgoing.

I thought I'd been a little shy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ubke4/i_checked_my_call_history_and_it_said_all_the/
%
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday...

"Something expensive, and that I don't need." she replied.
I signed her up for chemotherapy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ubhhf/i_asked_my_wife_what_she_wanted_for_her_birthday/
%
In 2 words describe the invention on a shovel

Ground Breaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ubbj3/in_2_words_describe_the_invention_on_a_shovel/
%
Two widows go to the cemetery everyday...

... One of them spends all her time crying by the grave of her late husband. The other one just stands on the gravestone of her respective husband and urinates all over it.
So, the first one found the behaviour of the second one weird, went to her and asked:
"Did you hate him that much that you come here everyday just to piss on his grave?"
The second one answers:
"One must cry from where one misses him the most"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ub8vm/two_widows_go_to_the_cemetery_everyday/
%
Two Italian men get on a bus

.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ub6r9/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
%
A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...

...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it." This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say "well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs." The husband say "don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed."
Joke my 95 year old grandpa told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ub63j/a_wife_asks_her_husband_if_she_were_to_die_would/
%
What do Hurricane Harvey and Harvey Weinstein have in common?

They are both massive bodies that devastated countless victims.
What is the difference between Hurricane Harvey and Harvey Weinstein?
Hurricane Harvey actually made its victims wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ub5wl/what_do_hurricane_harvey_and_harvey_weinstein/
%
A elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest

“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ub4xr/a_elderly_man_goes_into_confession_and_says_to/
%
A long way

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body... The officer got to choose what those two parts would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But, the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.
"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
"The Falkland Islands," came the reply

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ub4va/a_long_way/
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Just curious

"Honey, I have sad news - my gynecologist told me not have sex for three weeks..."
Husband: "And what did the dentist say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ub0mr/just_curious/
%
Why did the slave go to college?

To pick up his master's degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uaze3/why_did_the_slave_go_to_college/
%
I can hear music coming out of my printer.

I think the paper is jamming again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uaxai/i_can_hear_music_coming_out_of_my_printer/
%
I once came home to find 4 masked men beating up my younger brother. Obviously I rushed over to help out.

...the little shit didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uauxs/i_once_came_home_to_find_4_masked_men_beating_up/
%
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills, it’s 90210. But do you remember the one for Dawson’s Creek?

It’s 90108 (for our lives to be over)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uaudm/we_all_know_the_zip_code_to_beverly_hills_its/
%
I want to get into the water selling business

but the market seems a bit over saturated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uat1q/i_want_to_get_into_the_water_selling_business/
%
The problem with kissing a perfect 10 is that

Sometimes it’s cold when your lips touch the mirror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uaqu4/the_problem_with_kissing_a_perfect_10_is_that/
%
Today my friend David lost his ID

Now I just call him Dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uap7p/today_my_friend_david_lost_his_id/
%
I hate talking about my sudden unexpected erections...

But sometimes it just comes up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uafp6/i_hate_talking_about_my_sudden_unexpected/
%
A Scientist is experimenting on a frog...

The scientist tells the frog, “Jump frog! Jump!”
And then the frog leaps 4 feet across the testing table.   So the scientist marks down in his notebook, “frog with 4 legs jump 4 feet”
The scientist then brandishes a large cooking cleaver and chops off one of the front legs of the frog.  The frog flops around a little before settling down.
The scientist then again says, “Jump frog! Jump!”
The frog leaps across the table again but only 3 feet this time.  So the scientist marks down, “frog with 3 legs jump 3 feet.”
The scientist then chops off another leg.  The frog is pretty beat up but is still breathing and when the scientist says to jump it still launches itself 2 feet.
So again he marks in his little notebook that “frog with 2 legs jumps 2 feet.”
He repeats this process again finding that a frog with one leg jumps one foot.
Now for the final part of the experiment the scientist chops off the frogs last leg.
He yells at the frog, “Jump Frog! Jump!”
But it doesn’t move.  It just sits there.
He yells again, “Frog Jump! Jump! Jump!”
But the frog lies there still as a log.  So the scientist sighs and takes his notebook and writes in
“Frog with no legs goes deaf”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uae48/a_scientist_is_experimenting_on_a_frog/
%
What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uadhq/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will.

Soldier: Which one is Will?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7uabjf/officer_at_the_shooting_range_get_ready_aim_fire/
%
How do priests make holy water?

They boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ua97l/how_do_priests_make_holy_water/
%
Every time Galndalf sees a Hobbit he calls them Frodo.

He doesn't have Alzheimer's disease, he just does it out of force of Hobbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ua7ss/every_time_galndalf_sees_a_hobbit_he_calls_them/
%
I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ua5kc/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
What do you call a flamingo that won't move?

Flaminstay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ua0vx/what_do_you_call_a_flamingo_that_wont_move/
%
What does a robot do on a one night stand?

Nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ua0u9/what_does_a_robot_do_on_a_one_night_stand/
%
Why can the chess Queen move around as she wants?

Because the chess table looks like a kitchen floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u9z70/why_can_the_chess_queen_move_around_as_she_wants/
%
I hate being bipolar...

It's awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u9utc/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
A pickpocket is a victim of a motorcycle hit-and-run.

A police officer comes to his aid.
"Do you remember his license plate?" he asks.
"No" says the pickpocket weakly, "but here's his wallet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u9trl/a_pickpocket_is_a_victim_of_a_motorcycle_hitandrun/
%
If you hate someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes

Then you will be a mile away!
And you will have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u9sk4/if_you_hate_someone_you_should_walk_a_mile_in/
%
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u9rij/my_friend_asked_me_to_describe_myself_in_3_words/
%
Why do we believe conspiracy theories?

Because the bastards want us to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u9qjk/why_do_we_believe_conspiracy_theories/
%
We're in trouble

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u9nfi/were_in_trouble/
%
Grandfather tells his grandson about the war.

"One day I and another two soldiers were taken prisoner, and enemies told us that if they fucked us in the ass, they would let us go, and if not, they would execute us.
The first agreed at once. He was fucked in the ass and released.
The second was already led to shoot, at the last moment he agreed, he was fucked in the ass and released. "
"Grandfather, so what happened to you?"
"And I was executed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u9mrq/grandfather_tells_his_grandson_about_the_war/
%
Over the past people have criticized me for not being objective as a reporter,

Personally I think they're idiots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u9kpn/over_the_past_people_have_criticized_me_for_not/
%
Why did the guitarist go to jail?

Because he picked and fingered A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u9j9r/why_did_the_guitarist_go_to_jail/
%
Hi I'm Bob

I'll be frank with you,
I have multiple personality disorder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u9hwp/hi_im_bob/
%
Whiteboards are remarkable.

What are you doing here, get back up there and read the title xP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u9g56/whiteboards_are_remarkable/
%
I tortured a guy from PETA.

He screamed for deer life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u9g52/i_tortured_a_guy_from_peta/
%
TGIF elevator

So there is a young lady entering an elevator and there is an old man inside. She started a conversation with "TGIF", the man replied "SHIT".
The woman was confused, "TGIF".
The man replied again with "SHIT"
Fed up the woman says, "Thank god it's Friday"
Man replies "Sorry honey it's Thursday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u98kw/tgif_elevator/
%
During my annual check-up today, I asked my doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?" He replied, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "Sorry, but I don't really believe in any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u97cj/during_my_annual_checkup_today_i_asked_my_doctor/
%
What do you call a veterinarian who can only treat one species?

A Doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u96m9/what_do_you_call_a_veterinarian_who_can_only/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last as long for the obese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u93jb/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What do you call the assistant of the assistant nut?

Coconut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u92ub/what_do_you_call_the_assistant_of_the_assistant/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there,

He said he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u90uk/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_he_liked/
%
I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest

It's his altar ego

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u90iz/i_just_found_my_friend_has_a_secret_life_as_a/
%
My favorite mythical creature

is a satisfied woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u8xlz/my_favorite_mythical_creature/
%
I was sitting in a bar!

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u8win/i_was_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
Stalin is delivering a speech to the Party

Suddenly someone sneezes.
- Who's just sneezed?
No answer.
- Execute the first row. Who's sneezed, I ask you?
No answer.
- Execute the second row. So who of you has just sneezed?
Finally a shaking man raises and utters feebly:
- It's me, Comrade Stalin.
- Bless you! Now, back to the topic...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u8vjb/stalin_is_delivering_a_speech_to_the_party/
%
The wife came home early

and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset!
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!'
And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but these will be the last words you'll ever say to me!
And so the husband began :
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night — the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same:
The husband took a quick breath and continued — 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do you have anything else that your doesn't use?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u8tmk/the_wife_came_home_early/
%
Two men are sat at a cup final with an empty seat between them.....

The younger man says " I cant believe there is an empty seat here on a match of this importance"
"It was my wife seat, but she recently passed away" replied the older guy.
"oh im sorry to hear that, didnt you have any friends or family that wanted to come with you today?" Said the younger man.
"No" said the older guy.........."they are all at the funeral"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u8spc/two_men_are_sat_at_a_cup_final_with_an_empty_seat/
%
60yr old women Florida visits her plastic surgeon and says we gotta do something with this face, it's getting a bit saggy ??

Doc examines her and says I've got the perfect solution to this, we're gonna instal a dial in the back of your head and every time you're feeling a little loose in the face give the dial a quick tighten. She agrees and is very pleased.
Two months later she returns and says doc I've cranked the dial until it can't crank no more and I've got these huge bags under my eyes.
Doc examines her for a while and says Mrs those aren't bags under your eyes, those are your breasts and she replied; that would explain the unexpected goatee I'm wearing !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u8rw0/60yr_old_women_florida_visits_her_plastic_surgeon/
%
I've just been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I can't remember a small amount of 80's music bands.

Unfortunately there is no cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u8r64/ive_just_been_diagnosed_with_a_rare_form_of/
%
A man asks a farmer...

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u8q5x/a_man_asks_a_farmer/
%
What goes round and round and taps on glass?

A baby in a microwave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u8k6d/what_goes_round_and_round_and_taps_on_glass/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money

The guy asks "What is the jar for?". Bartender replies "That is a challenge jar." "What's that?" The guys asks. "The challenge is, that you get 2 tasks. 1st Is that there is a grandma in the 3rd floor of this house that hasn't had a man in 40 years. So you will need to pleasure her. The 2. one is that there is a bulldog outside with a broken tooth. You have to rip the tooth out. If you complete them, you get the money. If not, you have to put in 3 bucks. Wanna try?" "Sure. Why not." The guy replies. So he gets ready, and goes outside to take the tooth out. The guy is drunk at this point in time, so he would have a easier job doing it. He goes out, closes the door and starts working. The bartender hears a sound of fighting for a while, ending with a dog whine. The guys opens the door, clothes ripped and blood from his hand and asks "Now... Where is the grandma with the broken tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u8ihw/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_jar_full_of/
%
I once saw 4 bullies fighting an 8 year old so I decided to help out...

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u8fry/i_once_saw_4_bullies_fighting_an_8_year_old_so_i/
%
What did the bra say to the hat?

"You go on a head, I'm gonna give these two a lift."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u8a9t/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
%
A programmer tells his wife, “I’m going to the store.”

The wife says, “While you’re there, buy some milk.”
He never came back.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u896y/a_programmer_tells_his_wife_im_going_to_the_store/
%
ELI5

I had five hundred Kitkats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.
That's basically how celebrity charity works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u88rb/eli5/
%
What's the Difference between a Harley Davidson Motorcycle and a Hoover vacuum?

The Hoover vacuum only carries one dirt bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u80pw/whats_the_difference_between_a_harley_davidson/
%
Did you hear about the Italian man who died? He pasta way...

...now he's a pizza history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u7xie/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_man_who_died_he/
%
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months

They decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
That night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.
Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.”
Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u7xi0/my_brothers_wife_has_been_pregnant_for_five_months/
%
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach..

“Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said.
“It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u7vj0/my_wife_caught_me_standing_on_the_bathroom_scale/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u7tty/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
My mom suffers from short-term memory loss

I hope it's nothing genetic because I'm worried since my mom suffers from short-term memory loss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u7th0/my_mom_suffers_from_shortterm_memory_loss/
%
I hate Russian dolls.

they are so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u7t47/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
I used to have a a racing snail that kept losing.

I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up, if anything it made it more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u7sas/i_used_to_have_a_a_racing_snail_that_kept_losing/
%
I used to be afraid of gardening...

...but then I thought I'd grow a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u7r3p/i_used_to_be_afraid_of_gardening/
%
[long] A man is speeding on the highway and he hears the sudden sound of police sirens. He angrily stops his vehicle on the side of the road and rolls down his window.

The officer greets him and asks him for an identification, to which the man has no choice but to reply: “look officer, I immigrated illegally just this week so I don’t own an identification.”
The officer then asks him for his driver’s license, to which the man hastily replies:
“I- I don’t own a driver’s license.”
The officer then asks the man to exit the vehicle with his hands behind his head, and he proceeds to search the vehicle, starting with the driver’s seat. The man, now in tears, yells: “I- I beg of you! Don’t open the trunk! There’s a dead body in there!”
Surprised by the brutal honesty, the officer handcuffs the man and calls for back up. A few minutes go by and the sheriff arrives.
“What’s the matter here?” asks the sheriff.
The man, now very angry, yells at the sheriff and claims that his officer has been abusing his powers and has handcuffed him for no reason.
The officer lets out a laugh and tells the sheriff: “sir, this man owns no identification. He is an illegal immigrant.”
The man clumsily squeezes his hand through his back pocket and pulls out an identification.“that’s not true, my identification is right here. I was born in this country.”
Shocked, the officer tells the sheriff: “sir, this man was driving without a driver’s license”
Once again, the man clumsily squeezes his hand through his other back pocket and pulls out his driver’s license. “that’s not true, here’s my driver’s license is right here.”
Angrily, the officer says: “sir, this man has a corpse stored in his trunk.”
The sheriff walks over to the trunk and opens it. Sure enough, it’s completely empty. Confused, the sheriff apologizes on behalf of his officer.
As the sheriff removes the man’s handcuffs, the man joyfully says:
“Let me guess, he told you I was speeding too, didn’t he?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u7j7r/long_a_man_is_speeding_on_the_highway_and_he/
%
When I was younger my mom used to tell me...

"The sky is the limit."
But that really upset me because I wanted to be an astronaut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u7iaj/when_i_was_younger_my_mom_used_to_tell_me/
%
Sometimes you go to 7-eleven to pick up ice...

...and sometimes ICE goes to 7-eleven to pick you up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u7chw/sometimes_you_go_to_7eleven_to_pick_up_ice/
%
Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated and the door was closed.
After Ethan came in from using it later that day, they asked him if he noticed anything different. He said he noticed the portrait. When asked what he thought of it, he replied that he found it very appropriate for an Englishman to put it there. His confused hosts pressed him for an explanation, to which he replied, "Nothing makes an Englishman shit quicker than the sight of General Washington."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u7b53/shortly_after_the_revolutionary_war_the_american/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender

I’d have $1.77.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u7ava/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
What did Sting get in Amsterdam?

A massage in a brothel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u7a5x/what_did_sting_get_in_amsterdam/
%
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My old thermometer just broke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u79lf/during_my_checkup_i_asked_the_doctor_do_you_think/
%
What do you call it when you forget your favorite song?

Jamnesia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u758o/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_forget_your_favorite/
%
Something to consider if you have a program that keeps crashing.

Maybe it has a drunk Driver?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u72ze/something_to_consider_if_you_have_a_program_that/
%
"Do you want to hang out later?"

"I can't, I'm constipated!"
"Well, shit..."
"I can't!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u71s4/do_you_want_to_hang_out_later/
%
What’s the difference between a straw and a Dutch comedian?

One is a hollow cylinder, the other is a silly Hollander.
I’ll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u71rt/whats_the_difference_between_a_straw_and_a_dutch/
%
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet...

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy.
I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u6y01/i_met_a_14_year_old_girl_on_the_internet/
%
Did you hear about the baby boy born without eyelids?

Fortunately, doctors were able to use his foreskin to create functional eyelids. While an overall success, the surgery did leave him a little cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u6vb7/did_you_hear_about_the_baby_boy_born_without/
%
I met a girl with 12 breasts...

Sounds weird, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u6sfb/i_met_a_girl_with_12_breasts/
%
I tried anal with my girlfriend yesterday...

It made my whole day, but it made her hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u6mtj/i_tried_anal_with_my_girlfriend_yesterday/
%
A man really needs to go to the bathroom

A: Do you know the way to the bathroom?
B: Yeah, walk down this hall and to the left.
A: Is there a faster way?
B: Sure, run down this hall and to the left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u6lih/a_man_really_needs_to_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
Why are dwarves terrible parents?

They have difficulty putting food on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u6eah/why_are_dwarves_terrible_parents/
%
I ordered 2205lbs of Chinese food the other day...

It was Wonton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u6dj4/i_ordered_2205lbs_of_chinese_food_the_other_day/
%
Why don't white supremacists take calculus in high school?

They don't want to see integration in their schools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u6cy7/why_dont_white_supremacists_take_calculus_in_high/
%
Hits a bit too close to home

My favorite type of humor is self deprecating.  That way nobody I care about gets hurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u66wu/hits_a_bit_too_close_to_home/
%
I made up a few jokes about my unemployed friends.

Unfortunately none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u6126/i_made_up_a_few_jokes_about_my_unemployed_friends/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar..

The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u5z3u/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A blind man walks into a bar.

The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?" In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?" The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u5y0f/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
13 days ago I started collecting all the blankets and pillows in my house...

Tomorrow will be a fortnight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u5rbn/13_days_ago_i_started_collecting_all_the_blankets/
%
I went to Taipei but didnt like it because

I am Type B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u5oyx/i_went_to_taipei_but_didnt_like_it_because/
%
The Titanic disaster happened 106 years ago.

Just let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u5lpn/the_titanic_disaster_happened_106_years_ago/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have 2 dollars and a lot of monopoly money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u5lbv/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
well, you know what they say...

nobody likes unsolicited advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u5isi/well_you_know_what_they_say/
%
Where should a waitress with one leg work

IHOP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u5gp6/where_should_a_waitress_with_one_leg_work/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u5ejs/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_two_pieces_of/
%
What is the Zombie equivalent of a Leprechaun's Pot o' Gold?

Crypt o' Currency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u5egb/what_is_the_zombie_equivalent_of_a_leprechauns/
%
What does the sixth sense and titanic have in common?

Icee dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u587y/what_does_the_sixth_sense_and_titanic_have_in/
%
I still remember the day my sister found out our neighbor's python isn't venomous.

She was crushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u541p/i_still_remember_the_day_my_sister_found_out_our/
%
Went out tonight and got 8 numbers!!!

2 more and it would have been a whole phone number!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u4u7d/went_out_tonight_and_got_8_numbers/
%
I can't believe that Fisherman told me there were no rivers in Africa

He was clearly in denial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u4tya/i_cant_believe_that_fisherman_told_me_there_were/
%
A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u4tlc/a_guy_is_doing_90_in_a_75_and_sees_lights_from_a/
%
My local church held a Netflix and Chastity event

31 people registered as going, but nobody came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u4rnu/my_local_church_held_a_netflix_and_chastity_event/
%
I asked my wife if she had a name for my penis[NSFW]

She said it was 'morning'
I asked why morning?
She said because it always came too soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u4ppy/i_asked_my_wife_if_she_had_a_name_for_my_penisnsfw/
%
Hear about the guy with five dicks?

His underwear fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u4ovq/hear_about_the_guy_with_five_dicks/
%
Two men in the woods come across some bear tracks...

The first man takes off his boots and starts puttin on runnin sneakers.
The second man asks "do you really think you gonna outrun a bear?"
First man replies "I just gotta outrun you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u4kwd/two_men_in_the_woods_come_across_some_bear_tracks/
%
I don't have OCD.

I don't have OCD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u4imf/i_dont_have_ocd/
%
Why did the Scarecrow get a promotion?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u4gsk/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u4e8v/a_man_has_six_children_and_is_very_proud_of_his/
%
Two hunters in the forest

Our story is set out in a wooded hunting reserve. Two men, carrying a backpack and gun each, trekked out into the forest in search of game.
After an hour or two in the forest, one of the hunters keels over and collapses on the ground. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed over. The other hunter calls 911. The operator picks up.
"Nine-One-One, what is your emergency?"
"Help! I think my friend might be dead!" The hunter cries.
The operator calmly responds "Okay, I know how to help."
"What do I do?" the hunter replies.
"First of all, you have to make sure he's really dead." The operator says.
There's a silence. Then a gunshot.
"Okay, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u4ca9/two_hunters_in_the_forest/
%
A Cow performs an act worthy of being knighted . . .

you may now rise, Sir Loin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u4bqq/a_cow_performs_an_act_worthy_of_being_knighted/
%
Where do poor Italians live?

The spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u4bis/where_do_poor_italians_live/
%
I saw a pig, a cow, and a horse.

I told my wife, “Those look like some of your relatives.”
She replied, “Yeah, my in-laws!”
(Source: Norm MacDonald)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u4aaf/i_saw_a_pig_a_cow_and_a_horse/
%
Did you hear about the coffee bean that committed murder?

It was sentenced to death by decaffeination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u48oe/did_you_hear_about_the_coffee_bean_that_committed/
%
Saw a falcon eating avocado toast.

Guess it's a millennial falcon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u486g/saw_a_falcon_eating_avocado_toast/
%
Bricks have a frustrating sex life.

They're hard all the time, but only get laid once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u47m4/bricks_have_a_frustrating_sex_life/
%
There was a man in London who drove a train for a living

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u46b1/there_was_a_man_in_london_who_drove_a_train_for_a/
%
I get too excited at "Toy Story" auctions

I always leave with a woody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u45s2/i_get_too_excited_at_toy_story_auctions/
%
They used to be called jumpolines

until your mom tried one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u458g/they_used_to_be_called_jumpolines/
%
I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue.

She's not speaking to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u40ee/i_replaced_my_best_friends_lipstick_with_super/
%
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u3z2t/what_is_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
%
I work in a factory that makes Dracula figurines.

However, there are only 2 employees so I have to make every second count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u3ydi/i_work_in_a_factory_that_makes_dracula_figurines/
%
My math teacher called me average.

How mean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u3whm/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
%
The owner of my favorite restaurant was arrested for beastiality..

That explains why jerk chicken and pulled pork were the only two menu items.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u3m9t/the_owner_of_my_favorite_restaurant_was_arrested/
%
What did Jesus say when he switched from Intel to AMD?

Do not mourn me for I have Ryzen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u3m2v/what_did_jesus_say_when_he_switched_from_intel_to/
%
Don’t ever give up on your dreams

Keep sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u3ixc/dont_ever_give_up_on_your_dreams/
%
What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out?

Shredded lettuce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u3dqo/what_do_you_call_a_salad_leaf_that_constantly/
%
I completely regret taking a class on the history of soda

Every quiz we've had has been a pop quiz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u3dcd/i_completely_regret_taking_a_class_on_the_history/
%
The doctor said that I can't play golf.

He must have seen me playing the other day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u37e9/the_doctor_said_that_i_cant_play_golf/
%
Old age

“Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there nothing comes out.”
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u35mh/old_age/
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I went to a karaoke bar . .

I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any Seventies music. At first I was afraid. Oh, I was petrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u325u/i_went_to_a_karaoke_bar/
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I pose a conundrum to you, a riddle if you will...

What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold. One's a sick duck... I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.
Original.
One of the best lines from Celebrity Jeopardy SNL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u2tg6/i_pose_a_conundrum_to_you_a_riddle_if_you_will/
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There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.
They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.
They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"
"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u2r8j/there_were_three_pows_together_in_a_british/
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If Donald Trump talks about "fake news" during the State of the Union...

Does that make it the State of the Onion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u2o7n/if_donald_trump_talks_about_fake_news_during_the/
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So a woman makes an appointment to see her doctor...

She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says,
"Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the room to exam me, I'm very worried that there is something wrong with me."
the doctor writes her a prescription and says,
"take 2 of these a day and see me in a week"
The woman comes back in a week and says,
"these pills aren't helping, in fact I'm even worse, I'm still farting all the time, they still don't make any noise, but now they smell horrible"
the doctor says "good, we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u2lj8/so_a_woman_makes_an_appointment_to_see_her_doctor/
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Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippy?

He was too far out, bro!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u2jhi/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_drowning_hippy/
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In war, a general sees an enemy soldier who has his arm in a hole filled with water

"Let's avoid him", he tells his adjutant. "He's well armed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u2hdd/in_war_a_general_sees_an_enemy_soldier_who_has/
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What did Catwoman get fined for?

Kitty litter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u2fkx/what_did_catwoman_get_fined_for/
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Picking up girls is like the Cotangent function.

I don't understand the cotangent function.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u2fcx/picking_up_girls_is_like_the_cotangent_function/
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Who do you like more, mom or dad?

A conversation I had with a friend that I wanted to share:
Me: who do you like more bro? Your mom or your dad?
Him: I don't know, I think I love them equally.
Me: Seriously? You don't have 1% more love for one or the either?
Him: nope, how about you?
Me: I'd choose your mom in an instant..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u2e3c/who_do_you_like_more_mom_or_dad/
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I almost got fired last night...

I was at my boss’s house for dinner and his wife asked “how many potatoes do you want?” I said “I’ll have 1 potato” and she said “it’s okay you don’t have to be polite”. I said “Okay, I’ll have 1 potato you stupid bitch”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u27e2/i_almost_got_fired_last_night/
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A tailor decides to leave his job...

It didn't suit him well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u25y0/a_tailor_decides_to_leave_his_job/
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10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...
God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u2580/10_husbands_still_a_virgin/
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What do you call a prison full of kangaroos?

Australia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u24mj/what_do_you_call_a_prison_full_of_kangaroos/
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How do all black jokes start?

By looking over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u20f3/how_do_all_black_jokes_start/
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When I was 14, my mom caught me smoking. She made me smoke 40 cigarettes so I wouldn't want to smoke again.

I'm just happy she didn't catch me masturbating!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u1ys0/when_i_was_14_my_mom_caught_me_smoking_she_made/
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My fiance's dad is a priest and he's going to take the bar exam soon.

He's going to be a father in law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u1uq9/my_fiances_dad_is_a_priest_and_hes_going_to_take/
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Cop: Sir, your car was swerving all over the road.

Me: Sorry, officer, I’ve had ten pints and feel very pissed.
Cop: That’s no excuse to let your wife drive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u1uir/cop_sir_your_car_was_swerving_all_over_the_road/
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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly,  sees the illegal lovers and hides in the closet to watch.
Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home.  She hides her lover in the closet, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little Boy says:  "Dark in here."
The Man says:  "Yes, it is."
Boy:  I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"
Man:  No, thanks."
Boy:  My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man:  "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$1,000."
A few weeks later it happened again, and the boy and the lover were in the closet together again.
Boy:  "Dark in here."
Man:  Yes, it is."
Boy:  "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, and asks the boy:  "How much?"   The Boy says "$5,000."   The Man says:  "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days later, the Father says to the boy:  "Grab your ball and boots,  let's go outside and have a game."   The Boy says:  "I can't, I sold them for $ 6,000."   The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost.   I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your "SINS."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Priest says:  "Don't start that shit again!"  THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u1uf6/a_woman_is_having_an_affair_during_the_day_while/
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, the other is a pause at the of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u1ikt/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis, if you must.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u17tj/personally_i_dont_believe_in_bros_before_hoes_or/
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Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u15zd/apparently_you_cant_use_beefstew_as_a_password/
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I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food?

SEIZURE SALAD.
I peed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0tjg/i_am_so_high_and_i_made_up_a_joke_and_i_want_to/
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So I finally got a tinder match yesterday...

And immediately I started of by asking "So have you heard of the titanic?"
She immediately got pissed and blocked me. I guess in retrospect, I shouldn't have started off with that line.
Its not a very good icebreaker.
P.s - I just thought of this while taking a shit on the porcelain throne. Can someone tell me if this is an original joke? :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0s9g/so_i_finally_got_a_tinder_match_yesterday/
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A philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0s26/a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_a_physicist/
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Dark humor is like food

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0rft/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb?

We all know feminist can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0r26/how_many_feminist_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Why do I think Sir Isaac Newton was such a chill guy?

I don't know, he just seemed pretty down-to-Earth to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0nfp/why_do_i_think_sir_isaac_newton_was_such_a_chill/
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I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen...

"Dave!" shouted my wife. "Come away from the pond!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0lyw/i_found_a_mass_grave_today_full_of_dead_snowmen/
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A Police officer pulled over a driver

and informs him that he has just won $1000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk." The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0k79/a_police_officer_pulled_over_a_driver/
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After years of studying, a physics student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...

"Professor, Professor, I think I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes
"It's about time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0jl6/after_years_of_studying_a_physics_student_comes/
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I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint...

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0jci/i_wrote_the_names_of_everyone_ive_defriended_onto/
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I had an uncle that died from drinking furniture polish.

it was a terrible end but a beautiful finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0fzz/i_had_an_uncle_that_died_from_drinking_furniture/
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When I was born, my mom decided to name me after what she wished she was before getting pregnant.

Barron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0f2i/when_i_was_born_my_mom_decided_to_name_me_after/
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If you are alone and taking Viagra,

You are being too hard on yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0e0s/if_you_are_alone_and_taking_viagra/
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Farmer and Son

A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank
“This year, I can’t plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field."
The son wrote back, “Papa, don’t dare plow the field That is where I hid the money I stole.”
The police intercepted the letter and by the next day they'd dug up the entire field but found nothing. The son wrote to his father, “Now you can plant your potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0cqs/farmer_and_son/
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I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's easy-peasy, all I have to do is say, "Hello!"

At 3 in the morning.
Whilst sitting on the end of their bed..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0bpd/im_making_a_fortune_selling_home_security_systems/
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Put this word in a sentence....

A class of 8 year olds in Dublin are working on their English sentence construction.  Teacher asks them to put various words in sentences getting harder and harder as they go on. Dublin being Dublin, she's getting lots of smart-arsed, funny (but correct) answers. Eventually she gets to the 10 letter words and there's only a couple of kids left in the running.  She says "Darren, put ridiculous in a sentence for me".  "Dis test is bleedin' ridiculous, Miss", says Darren.  Swallowing her grin she turns to Nadia - "Nadia can you do the same with contagious", she asks?  Nadia thinks for a long, long time and finally pipes up "Me ma was really pissed off with me da yesterday. She was bleedin' starvin' so she sent him to the chipper but it took the contagious".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u09lm/put_this_word_in_a_sentence/
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Why women make better assassins.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.”
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.
“ Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She  took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the chair.”
Edit 2: I wish the comments weren't deleted. I love reading the hate. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u08xr/why_women_make_better_assassins/
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What's unfair?

Someone stealing a letter from the carnival sign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u07iu/whats_unfair/
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Two psychics pass each other in the street

One says to the other: "You're doing fine. How am I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u03l3/two_psychics_pass_each_other_in_the_street/
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philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"
They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"
The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.
"Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u01wk/philosopher_a_mathematician_and_a_physicist_were/
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How did you quit smoking?

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u0129/how_did_you_quit_smoking/
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Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7u012a/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
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Age old debate.

People these days always talk about how disgusting butchers and people who sell meat are, however I've found that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tzxx9/age_old_debate/
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Knock Knock.

"Who's there?"
To.
"To who?"
No, to whom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tzuio/knock_knock/
%
A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"
The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed.
"I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out."
The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?"
"Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman
"Yes." replies the fish.
"Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?"
"Yes."
"And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?"
"Yes."
"Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tzt4a/a_german_a_frenchman_and_an_englishman_go_fishing/
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My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tzs0x/my_wife_told_me_i_had_to_stop_acting_like_a/
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Dog Poem

I am a dog And you are a flower. I lift my leg up And give you a shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tzosk/dog_poem/
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Marriage secret

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tznx4/marriage_secret/
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics.

I got bronze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tzmni/i_took_part_in_the_suntanning_olympics/
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They say that one in every seven friends has a gambling addiction.

My money's on Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tzlky/they_say_that_one_in_every_seven_friends_has_a/
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Shall I tell you a joke about butter?

No because you might spread it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tzjew/shall_i_tell_you_a_joke_about_butter/
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Why do communists only drink coffee

Because proper tea is theft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tzj49/why_do_communists_only_drink_coffee/
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What did the Polish man give to his wife that was long and hard?

His last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tzijo/what_did_the_polish_man_give_to_his_wife_that_was/
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what rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tzij3/what_rock_group_has_four_men_that_dont_sing/
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Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tzhg9/husband_and_wife_accidentally_discover_a_genie/
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"Do you want to have sex?" wife asked.

"Yes!" husband replied. Wife turns to him saying "Can't you see I am on the phone?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tzd91/do_you_want_to_have_sex_wife_asked/
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There’s a band called 1023MB

They haven’t had any gigs yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tz7su/theres_a_band_called_1023mb/
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Tim Cook could be a way better president than Trump.

But really, comparing apples to oranges just seems so unfair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tz5n4/tim_cook_could_be_a_way_better_president_than/
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In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept trying to dissuade him.
Ving filled out all the paperwork and submitted it, but instantly regretted his decision. He was told that since the paperwork had already gone through he'd had to pay an extra fee to undo his name change.
Ling was so happy that Ving decided not to go through with it he offered to pay, but when he took out his money all of a sudden their elderly Chinese father stormed in, dressed in shorts with the American flag printed upon it.
"Don't stop, be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tz5cb/in_high_school_i_was_best_friends_with_a_pair_of/
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You want to hear acute joke?

If you're cold, just go sit in a corner. It's 90 degrees there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tz1gz/you_want_to_hear_acute_joke/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tz132/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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A man sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tyy5m/a_man_sits_down_in_a_diner_and_asks_for_a_bowl_of/
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According to some people, the US having a black president was

an Obama-nation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tyro1/according_to_some_people_the_us_having_a_black/
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I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tyrbo/i_scared_the_postman_today_by_going_to_the_door/
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What do dogs and near-sighted gynecologists have in common?

Wet noses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7typfe/what_do_dogs_and_nearsighted_gynecologists_have/
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A Native American boy is sitting outside, and he looks really upset.

His father, concerned, comes up to him and asks, "Why are you upset, my son?"
The boy replies, "Well father, I'm just confused about the name you've given me."
He replies, "Well son, it is tradition to name our children after the first thing we see once they're born.
For instance, when your sister was born, the first thing I saw was a deer running in the field, so we named her Running Deer.
After your brother was born, I saw a great eagle soaring into the sky, so we named him Soaring Eagle.
Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tynoe/a_native_american_boy_is_sitting_outside_and_he/
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A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tymex/a_terrorist_struck_a_local_farm_setting_off/
%
Why does Donald Trump hate O'Doul's?

Fake brews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tyloy/why_does_donald_trump_hate_odouls/
%
A technician is called to inspect q gas leak at an anesthesiologist's office

Upon arrival, he said: "Huh, this smells like chlorofor".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tykv0/a_technician_is_called_to_inspect_q_gas_leak_at/
%
Horse race

A man has a racehorse who never won a race.
Man in disgust says," Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning."
The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track.
He kicks the horse and asks, "WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING"
The horse, half asleep says, "I have to get up at three in the morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tyjzg/horse_race/
%
Vampire Bat covered in Blood

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tyiuu/vampire_bat_covered_in_blood/
%
A farmer goes to collect his chickens’ eggs. As he reaches for them, the chickens suddenly all whip out tiny guns.

“Whoa, whoa. How did you hide all those guns in this henhouse?”
The head chicken responds, “We’ve had enough of your shit, farmer. This is a coup.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tyi96/a_farmer_goes_to_collect_his_chickens_eggs_as_he/
%
Knock knock!

Who's there?
Control freak! Ok, now you say back to me, "Control freak who?"
...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tygep/knock_knock/
%
A man sunbathes nude and gets a sunburn on his penis

He goes to the doctor and asks him what to do.
His doctor says that he should put it in a saucer of milk for an hour a day for a week to help.
That night he decides to try it.
His wife comes home and sees him with his dick in some milk and says “oh I’ve always wondered how you reloaded those things”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tycuv/a_man_sunbathes_nude_and_gets_a_sunburn_on_his/
%
What do you call a fish made of only two sodium atoms?

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tyajo/what_do_you_call_a_fish_made_of_only_two_sodium/
%
What do you call Batman when he skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ty57g/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_skips_church/
%
Ignorance is bliss and patience is a virtue.

If you’re dumb and don’t mind waiting around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7txxgd/ignorance_is_bliss_and_patience_is_a_virtue/
%
A Blonde and her boyfriend are watching the 9pm news

, the anchor is showing a video of a girl threatening to jump off a cliff. The guy turns to the Blonde and says "I bet you $500 she jumps" "you're on" the Blonde replies.
2 minutes later the girl jumps and dies.
As she is pulling money out her purse, the boyfriend says "I feel bad taking your money, but I watched the 6pm news and I saw this story" "me too" the Blonde answered, "but I didn't think she would be stupid enough to jump off again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7txvqa/a_blonde_and_her_boyfriend_are_watching_the_9pm/
%
What’s a car crash victim’s favorite breakfast food?

Coma toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7txuia/whats_a_car_crash_victims_favorite_breakfast_food/
%
What would the world be like without women?

A pain in the ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7txtri/what_would_the_world_be_like_without_women/
%
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused.  If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7txtns/my_girlfriend_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the/
%
I knew a woman who could mesmerize you just by swinging her breasts.

I think she was a hypnotits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7txrx1/i_knew_a_woman_who_could_mesmerize_you_just_by/
%
Why shouldn't you put avocados in your eyes?

You could get guacoma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7txqb9/why_shouldnt_you_put_avocados_in_your_eyes/
%
My pee is lying about not drinking enough water.

I can see right through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7txlvh/my_pee_is_lying_about_not_drinking_enough_water/
%
What is a prostitute botanist good at?

Whorticulture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7txk7y/what_is_a_prostitute_botanist_good_at/
%
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender...

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a round for everyone, except for that Jew over there!" and the Jew smiles.
Everyone cheers and has their drink. A few moments later, he shouts again "Another round for everyone except for the Jew!" and the Jew smiles again.
Two rounds later, the man asks the bartender why every time he orders a round for everyone except the Jew, he always smiles.
The bartender replies "because he's the owner"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7txjv1/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_to_the_bartender/
%
All lives begin...

...with a crowning achievement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7txjb9/all_lives_begin/
%
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office..

..wearing nothing but plastic wrap around his waist. The doc looks at him and says, “well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tximq/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office/
%
What do you call a cow that just had a baby?

Decalfinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7txfi0/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_just_had_a_baby/
%
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.

They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that!”
The other one looks at him and says, “Well, I think I would pet him first.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tx82z/two_drunks_had_just_gotten_thrown_out_of_the_bar/
%
Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward

Cause that's how I roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tx7n4/sometimes_i_squat_on_the_floor_and_put_my_arms/
%
Why do people like self-deprecating humor so much?

I just wish I was smart enough to tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tx6ek/why_do_people_like_selfdeprecating_humor_so_much/
%
What's the best part of having sex with a transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tx0eu/whats_the_best_part_of_having_sex_with_a/
%
I am bad at math, I often mix up multiplication and division.

Though I am great at biology, cause they’re the same damn thing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7twzjg/i_am_bad_at_math_i_often_mix_up_multiplication/
%
Why are the twin towers and genders so similar?

Because there used to be two of them, but it’s offensive to joke about them now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7twzdt/why_are_the_twin_towers_and_genders_so_similar/
%
6:30 is the best time on the clock...

Hands down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7twywu/630_is_the_best_time_on_the_clock/
%
My computer is infected with the Miley Cyrus virus.

It has stopped twerking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7twy7d/my_computer_is_infected_with_the_miley_cyrus_virus/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7twxpl/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
On the outside I might appear to be an emotionless, sarcastic piece of shit

But like an onion, when you peel back the layers you find more of the same shit and start to cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7twvve/on_the_outside_i_might_appear_to_be_an/
%
There's only two things I hate in this world.

Accidentally pressing "submit" when making a post and

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7twomr/theres_only_two_things_i_hate_in_this_world/
%
A communist joke isn't funny

Unless everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7twjwp/a_communist_joke_isnt_funny/
%
Pawnshop wisdom

I asked a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin, seeing that he runs a pawnbrokers shop. "Old fiddles aren't worth much nowadays," he told me.
"What makes it a fiddle, and not a violin?" I asked him.
"Simple," he explained, "If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle. If you're buying it from me, it's a violin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7twj89/pawnshop_wisdom/
%
What do you call a cow that can’t produce milk?

An udder failure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7twedd/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_cant_produce_milk/
%
I bet my friend that i could lose more weight than him within the last month

I lost 10 pounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7twbme/i_bet_my_friend_that_i_could_lose_more_weight/
%
Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tw74u/quantum_entanglement_is_not_hard_to_understand/
%
2 blondes were driving to Disneyland...

They see the sign, "Disneyland left." So they turned around and went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tw6l0/2_blondes_were_driving_to_disneyland/
%
Why can’t a blonde dial 911?

She can’t find the eleven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tw5r3/why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
%
A thief tried to steal paintings from the Louvre...

A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris, but was caught 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. All the thief could say for himself was: “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh. But I tried for it anyway because I had nothing Toulouse!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tw4q0/a_thief_tried_to_steal_paintings_from_the_louvre/
%
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tw3b5/a_priest_has_a_heart_attack_and_is_rushed_to_the/
%
I was at my bank...

waiting in a short line.  There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.  It was obvious she was a little irritated.  She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen.  Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"  The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."  The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tvxiv/i_was_at_my_bank/
%
What's cold, blue and waiting on the sidewalk?

A frostitute.
(It worked better in German :P)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tvq97/whats_cold_blue_and_waiting_on_the_sidewalk/
%
What do you call a leper in a hot tub?

Stu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tvnn1/what_do_you_call_a_leper_in_a_hot_tub/
%
Why did Apollo 11 take off during full moon?

Its an easier target.
------
Yes. Its incredibly lame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tvjnu/why_did_apollo_11_take_off_during_full_moon/
%
What sex position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tvha1/what_sex_position_produces_the_ugliest_children/
%
How much sperm does a gay guy have?

A butt load.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tvexl/how_much_sperm_does_a_gay_guy_have/
%
A wife sends her programmer husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
When the husband returns, he's carrying twelve gallons of milk?
"Why did you buy twelve gallons of milk" asks the wife.
"Because they had eggs" says the husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tvcuk/a_wife_sends_her_programmer_husband_to_the_store/
%
Don't ever buy flowers from monks.

Only you can prevent florist friars.
(Sorry if repost.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tvb3w/dont_ever_buy_flowers_from_monks/
%
Why does the yogi always meditate under the citrus tree?

It's a sublime spot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tv9fg/why_does_the_yogi_always_meditate_under_the/
%
I was teaching my dyslexic friend how a mistletoe works.

I don't think he stoodunder it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tv6fy/i_was_teaching_my_dyslexic_friend_how_a_mistletoe/
%
what batteries does dora the explorer use?

doracell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tv6f2/what_batteries_does_dora_the_explorer_use/
%
Millions of people tuned in attentively to the world's best music last night.

And everyone at the Grammy's were able to too after the ceremony was over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tv5zv/millions_of_people_tuned_in_attentively_to_the/
%
Did you hear about the Midwestern dairy farmers?

Apparently they've begun a new trend of covering their cows' teets with fabric because they felt like their heifers were indecent. It's being called an udder shame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tv1ds/did_you_hear_about_the_midwestern_dairy_farmers/
%
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tv1b0/once_upon_a_time_there_were_three_kingdoms_all/
%
For like a week every month, my wife will make a big deal out of the smallest things

I think she's just ovary acting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tuy82/for_like_a_week_every_month_my_wife_will_make_a/
%
My wife and i were very happy for twenty years..

but then we met each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tutg7/my_wife_and_i_were_very_happy_for_twenty_years/
%
So a termite walks into a bar and says...

Is the bar-tender here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tupzc/so_a_termite_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
%
I didn't know where my axe was...

and then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tuoih/i_didnt_know_where_my_axe_was/
%
A woman asked me earlier today what my thoughts on abortion were...

I told her, on one hand, I support it because it kills children, but on the other, it gives women a choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tuohr/a_woman_asked_me_earlier_today_what_my_thoughts/
%
Why does Norway's Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tunzo/why_does_norways_navy_have_barcodes_on_the_side/
%
Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?

He went in all buns glazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tuju8/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_baker_who/
%
Two Jewish fathers are having a conversation.

One mentioned to the other, "It's been a trying time for me. I sent my son to Jerusalem to study for two years in the hopes he would return as a better Jew, but instead he converted to Christianity."
The other father replied, "That's odd. I also sent my son to Jerusalem to study, and he also returned as a Christian."
Seeing this as a remarkable coincidence, they sought the advice of their Rabbi and told them their stories. The Rabbi said, "That's odd. I, too, sent my son to Jerusalem to study, and he is now a Christian. Clearly something is up over there. We should go there on the next available flight."
The three men journeyed to Jerusalem and found their way to the Western Wall so they could pray. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Lord, we seek your guidance, for we are all at a complete loss. We sent each of our sons here in the hopes they would become better Jews, but they have all become Christians. What do we do?"
A moment passed in eery silence when suddenly a booming voice from the sky said, "That's odd..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tu8gw/two_jewish_fathers_are_having_a_conversation/
%
She called me ugly, so I told her how much money I make...

...then she called me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tu3cb/she_called_me_ugly_so_i_told_her_how_much_money_i/
%
I bought a wooden whistle.

But it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle.
But it steel wooden whistle.
Then I bought a lead whistle.
But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tu20q/i_bought_a_wooden_whistle/
%
A Muslim hailed a London cab.

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "in the time of the prophet there were no taxis either, so piss off and wait for a camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttzwd/a_muslim_hailed_a_london_cab/
%
Lost job

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
coz   a  woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttzpy/lost_job/
%
Journalist asks:

-Comrade Stalin, do you have any hobby?
-I collect jokes about me.
-And how many have you collected so far?
-About two and a half gulags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttyla/journalist_asks/
%
I was addicted to soap...

But now i’m clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tty6n/i_was_addicted_to_soap/
%
Three aliens

, Bu; Chu and Fu, are sent to Earth to document local civilization. They land in America, and use advanced technology to make themselves look human. After they collected some data (including large percentage of English language), Bu said to the others: "Maybe we should change our names to fit in. Then we can observe much better." The other two agree. "I´ll be Buck" said Bu.
"I think I´ll be Chuck" said Chu. Fu decided to leave the rest of the mission to those two and returned to his home planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttx7v/three_aliens/
%
Sven and Ole go to Hell.

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttx13/sven_and_ole_go_to_hell/
%
One day Jimmy got home early..

from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttwea/one_day_jimmy_got_home_early/
%
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
"Actually" he said, "it didn't cost anything.
The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttt1w/this_woman_goes_into_a_funeral_home_to_make/
%
An elderly couple next to me are talking to each other at a restaurant.

As they are talking, the man keeps calling his wife the sweetest names like Honey, Deer, Sweetie ect ect ect.  When his wife excused herself to use the bathroom,  I leaned over and said "I love how you talk to your wife.  You call her the nicest things. It appears you two have been married for quite some time.  How do you keep the spark going?"
He replies "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm too afraid to ask her what it is".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttrzp/an_elderly_couple_next_to_me_are_talking_to_each/
%
A man walks into the doctors.

He says dr it hurts when I touch here
And touches his arm
It also hurts here
And touches his ribs
and here
And touches his back
It hurts here too
And touches his calf
It hurts here
And touches his elbow
and here
And touches his head
It even hurts here
And touches his abdomen
And the dr says -
Yeah you have a broken finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttqi9/a_man_walks_into_the_doctors/
%
When God created the body, some say he was an electrical engineer for how he designed the nervous system. Some say he was a mechanical engineer for how he designed the muscular/skeletal system. But I say he was a civil engineer...

Who else would put a waste disposal system right in the middle of a recreation center?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttq80/when_god_created_the_body_some_say_he_was_an/
%
An Australian with two bad eyes may not be the best at making you feel good...

But an Aussie with one good eye might...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttoof/an_australian_with_two_bad_eyes_may_not_be_the/
%
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttmf1/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
%
Apple is designing a car..

Everything was going great until they tried to install windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttm8w/apple_is_designing_a_car/
%
Why did the Polish helicopter crash?

The pilot got cold and turned off the ceiling fan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttkqb/why_did_the_polish_helicopter_crash/
%
When I...

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink.
After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another drink.
After finishing the drink, the man orders a sandwich and yells "When I eat, everybody eats!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders food.
After eating the sandwich, the man buys a cigarette and yells "When I get a smoke, everybody gets a smoke!". Everybody rushes to the counter and gets a cigarette.
After smoking, the man pays $25 and yells "When I pay, everybody pays!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttj90/when_i/
%
Why did the bear dissolve?

It was a polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tti1s/why_did_the_bear_dissolve/
%
Burnt 1,800 calories today!

Forgot the Pizza in the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttfvw/burnt_1800_calories_today/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike all the time

It got so bad that I had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttdg1/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_all_the_time/
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I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttd2f/i_found_my_son_hanging_from_a_rope_in_his_bedroom/
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Did you hear about the gay guy that got fired from the sperm bank?

He was caught drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ttagg/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_guy_that_got_fired/
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Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet?

Because they often spend years at C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tta06/why_do_pirates_take_so_long_to_learn_the_alphabet/
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“Excuse me Jesus, you’re in the way.”

Jesus: “Excuse me. I am the way.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tt7qw/excuse_me_jesus_youre_in_the_way/
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If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tt4wf/if_you_ever_feel_like_your_job_is_meaningless/
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Job Interview

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tt3jv/job_interview/
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What do birds and Catholic girls have in common?

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tsvoe/what_do_birds_and_catholic_girls_have_in_common/
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My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My wife insists it's dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tsssp/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_daily_sex/
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An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.
"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"
Andrew, the Scot, opens his sandwiches, "Ach! haggis sandwiches! I'm sick of haggis sandwiches! If I get haggis sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"
Paddy likewise opens his sandwiches, "Feck! potato sandwiches! I'm sick of potato sandwiches! If I get potato sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"
the next days comes and, what do you know. Arthur has roast beef again. Without a word, he jumps from the 20th floor. Likewise, Andrew has haggis. Without so much as a whisper, he swan-dives the full 20 floors.
Mournfully, Paddy eyes his potato sandwiches. With a final salute to the world, he too jumps off. All three men quite dead.
At the funeral the tearful wife of the Englishman says, "All Arthur had to do was tell me he didn't like roast beef. I'd have made him another filling!"
The wife of the Scotsman sniffs, "I loved my Andrew! I would have made him any sandwich he'd asked for, if he'd just said something!"
The wife of the Irishman is quite unmoved, "The fecking idiot made his own sandwiches!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tsrs5/an_englishman_scotsman_and_irishman_are_working/
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Herding sheep.

A sheep herder is watching his dog herd all their sheep into a pen.  The dog finishes and says "Master, I've got all 30 sheep in the pen".  The man looks at the sheep, then back to the dog and says "but I only count 26".  The dog says "I know, I rounded them up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tsnwd/herding_sheep/
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I dumped a girl because she wouldn’t let me read poetry.

Prose before hoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tsht0/i_dumped_a_girl_because_she_wouldnt_let_me_read/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tsgqz/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
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My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tsdtz/my_girlfriend_really_changed_after_she_became_a/
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I don't think any less of my daughter for being a lesbian.

In fact, I probably think of her more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tsbts/i_dont_think_any_less_of_my_daughter_for_being_a/
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The Soviet Union should get back together...

To have a Soviet Reunion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ts9ah/the_soviet_union_should_get_back_together/
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As a baker, dough is not just something that I want

It's something that I knead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ts8d3/as_a_baker_dough_is_not_just_something_that_i_want/
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What do communist cats say?

Mao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ts7rh/what_do_communist_cats_say/
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A world without women

would be a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ts5zd/a_world_without_women/
%
The doctor is trustworthy

Lady patient to the Doctor inside his examination room "Doctor can you please call my husband inside, I am not feeling comfortable. "
Doctor - "Trust me lady, I am a Doctor & I am a Gentleman.
Lady patient - "No that's not the issue.
Your receptionist is alone outside and my husband is neither a doctor nor a gentleman...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ts5sa/the_doctor_is_trustworthy/
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My first car was a chick magnet.

Chicks ran away. It must've been facing the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ts5kx/my_first_car_was_a_chick_magnet/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest gets something accomplished when it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ts1zv/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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It's important to show a woman how you feel about her

The police called it 'indecent exposure' but whatever...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ts0sg/its_important_to_show_a_woman_how_you_feel_about/
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A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

\[removed\]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trz0z/a_young_man_named_chuck_bought_a_horse_from_a/
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I put my USDA inspected chicken strip in my wallet.

Now my legal tender is safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trxqj/i_put_my_usda_inspected_chicken_strip_in_my_wallet/
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I used to have a secret fetish for used tampons, but it's not so secret anymore.

I was caught red handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trw4x/i_used_to_have_a_secret_fetish_for_used_tampons/
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A man was talking to God...

Man: God, how much is a million years for you?
God: For me, it's just one minute.
Man: God, how much is a million dollars for you?
God: For me, it's just one penny.
Man: God, can I have a penny?
God: Wait a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trw0l/a_man_was_talking_to_god/
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Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein...

...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trvq2/not_to_brag_but_i_consider_myself_as_a_mix/
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I had split personality disorder...

Now we are cured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trq2x/i_had_split_personality_disorder/
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There was a man nicknamed Onestone

He was given that name as he only had one testicle. One day he was tired of everyone calling him that and he proclaimed that he would kill anyone who called him that from now on. Years went by, no one dared to call him onestone. However, a woman named Yellowbird forgot and called out to him shouting the dangerous name.
Onestone took her into the forest and made love to Yellowbird day and night until she died from exhaustion. Now word spread out that Onestone was serious about it.
Just a few weeks later, Yellowbird's cousin Bluebird approached Onestone and said his name out loud. Onestone then took Bluebird into the forest and made love to her day and night but she wouldn't die!
The moral of the story: You can't kill two birds with one stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trph8/there_was_a_man_nicknamed_onestone/
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Why did the condom jump out the window?

It was pissed off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trovy/why_did_the_condom_jump_out_the_window/
%
My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."
Graduated top of his class...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7triho/my_buddy_signed_up_for_one_of_those_learn_to_be_a/
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Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 15-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $85,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $85,000 mortgage and no bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trhym/patrick_wants_a_bike/
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A $10 Complaint

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trhne/a_10_complaint/
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Muslim converting to Christianity [Translated]

A muslim decided to convert to Christianity. He went to the Vatican to get baptised.
There was two men before him, the Pope took the first and dipped his head in the holy water basin and took it out. The Pope asked the man: Did you see Christ?? The man replied Yes. The Pope said: Congratulations, you are now a Christian. And did the same with the other guy.
Then the Pope dipped the Muslim’s head in the holy water and took it out and asked him: Did you see Christ? the muslim said no. So he dipped his head again for a bit longer and then brought him up again and asked him, Did you see Christ? His answer was No. Then he dipped his head for the third time for as long as possible, then took him out breathless then asked him if he saw Christ. The muslim replied: Are you sure he drowned in here????

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trhfx/muslim_converting_to_christianity_translated/
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I have two boys, 5 and 6.

We're no good at naming things in our house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trgzu/i_have_two_boys_5_and_6/
%
My wife took me to a quiet place and we sat down.

She looked into my eyes and said, "Honey, I've got to tell you this...There's a reason why I've put on weight and why I look so bloated. It begins with 'B' and ends with 'Y'..."
"Fucking hell. You're pregnant?" I asked.
She said, "No, there was a sale on at the bakery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trgiv/my_wife_took_me_to_a_quiet_place_and_we_sat_down/
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Milk

me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier
sperm bank employee: what glass of milk
me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
sperm bank employee: oh my god
me: what
sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trfvx/milk/
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I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman.

But she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trf8e/i_tried_to_be_polite_and_hold_the_door_open_for_a/
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If they are any telekinetics in the room

Please raise my hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7trf28/if_they_are_any_telekinetics_in_the_room/
%
A Man and his Broken Car

A man's car is breaking down, so he takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic says there's nothing he can do, and he has 50 miles until the vehicle is done for.
The man decides to take matters into his own hands, and begins working on the vehicle in his own garage. When he had completed some work, he took it back to the mechanic.
The mechanic told him the car had 40 miles left.
The man takes the car back home, and he calls over a friend to help him. The man worked on the front of the car, and the friend worked on the back. When they had done some work, they took it back to the mechanic.
The mechanic told them the car had 30 miles left.
The man takes the car back home. This time, he worked until his hands were covered in oil. He was up all night working on the car. Then he took it back to the mechanic.
The mechanic told him the car had 20 miles left.
The man is losing hope, and getting desperate. He prays to the heavens that he will be able to fix the car. Having said his prayer, he went to work on the car. The next day, he took it back to the mechanic.
The mechanic told him the car had 10 miles left.
When the man gets the car back home, he begins to drink. Drunkenly, he works on the car for a few minutes, then passes out. When he wakes up, he takes the car back to the mechanic.
The mechanic says, "My God, how did you do it?"
Excitedly, the man hops in his car and drives off down the street. His car breaks down shortly after. He calls the mechanic from his cellphone.
The man says, "I thought the car was fixed."
The mechanic answers, "No, I just wanted to know how you made it to your house and back in only 9 miles this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tra00/a_man_and_his_broken_car/
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I bumped into my dad in a whorehouse yesterday, I was speechless.

I thought he worked in a bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tr7ln/i_bumped_into_my_dad_in_a_whorehouse_yesterday_i/
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Come over

A guy and a girl had been flirting for sometime.
One day the girl says “come over there’s no one at home”
So the guys quickly goes to the girls house and starts ringing the doorbell. He knocks and rings the doorbell again several times but... nobody answered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tr3tm/come_over/
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What’s Donald Trump’s Least Favorite Band?

Foreigner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tr3jo/whats_donald_trumps_least_favorite_band/
%
A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism

. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy"?
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home".
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy"?
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home".
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad"?
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tqxy6/a_young_man_graduated_from_the_university_of/
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I was watching porn last night when my grandmother walked in...

Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tqwmj/i_was_watching_porn_last_night_when_my/
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I made a very tasteless joke at an alopecia convention...

...fortunately it didn’t raise any eyebrows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tqv5h/i_made_a_very_tasteless_joke_at_an_alopecia/
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Why was the road afraid of the bike lane?

'Cause it's a cyclepath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tquu5/why_was_the_road_afraid_of_the_bike_lane/
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What's the difference between a huge-titted lobster and a filthy bus stop?

One's a busty crustacean the other's a crusty bus station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tqsxj/whats_the_difference_between_a_hugetitted_lobster/
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A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tqogf/a_major_detergent_manufacturer_is_to_release_a/
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IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad passes away at 91.

Wonder if he collapsed unexpectedly at home?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tqkkg/ikea_founder_ingvar_kamprad_passes_away_at_91/
%
A dickhead walks into a bar

The barkeep looks at him and says, "Why the schlong face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tqfv6/a_dickhead_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did the sign on the out of business brothel say?

“Beat it, we’re closed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tq918/what_did_the_sign_on_the_out_of_business_brothel/
%
I bought new shoes off of my drug dealer.

I dont know what they are laced with but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tq71x/i_bought_new_shoes_off_of_my_drug_dealer/
%
An ambulance is like a Pizza delivery

If they're late the delivery ends up cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tq3on/an_ambulance_is_like_a_pizza_delivery/
%
Just tried to kill a roach with Axe body spray.

Now it’s name is Brett, and he won’t shut up about CrossFit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tpxbd/just_tried_to_kill_a_roach_with_axe_body_spray/
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I wanted to video chat with the spiritual leader of tibet

I ended up looking at a tall sheep like animal, turns out I called Dial-a-Llama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tpuxv/i_wanted_to_video_chat_with_the_spiritual_leader/
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A black man walks into a bar...

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his sholder. The bartender says, "That's beautiful! Where'd you get it?" "Africa," replies the parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tpum6/a_black_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did the cobbler say to get the slavs off his lawn?

Shoe polish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tpsr5/what_did_the_cobbler_say_to_get_the_slavs_off_his/
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I dreamt once I wrote lord of the rings,

it turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tpsln/i_dreamt_once_i_wrote_lord_of_the_rings/
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I was going to adopt a nihilistic world view,

But there was no point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tps7m/i_was_going_to_adopt_a_nihilistic_world_view/
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Haunted castle

A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. "How did you enjoy it?" The guide asked when it was over.
"It was great," the tourist replied, "but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways."
"No need to worry," said the guide "I've never seen a ghost in all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?"  the tourist asked.
"Oh, about 300 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tpoj7/haunted_castle/
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Why do women and children get to evacuate first?

So the men can die in peace

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tpogl/why_do_women_and_children_get_to_evacuate_first/
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My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tpji9/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_won_the_lottery_would/
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Despite Putin's recent crackdowns, a new streaming service for banned movies has launched in Russia.

It's called Nyetflix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tpdzr/despite_putins_recent_crackdowns_a_new_streaming/
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So today the founder of IKEA passed away...

I wonder how long it took his family to build his casket?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tpaqk/so_today_the_founder_of_ikea_passed_away/
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My sister bet me a million dollars that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tp98c/my_sister_bet_me_a_million_dollars_that_i_couldnt/
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What do nurses watch at the old folks home?

The grammies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tp6e1/what_do_nurses_watch_at_the_old_folks_home/
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A swindler Passes by a bird in the stairwell of an appartment building

The swindler was headed upstairs to visit his friend, the forger. The bird he passed along the way was the forger's homing vulture, which was en route to the forger's publisher to make a delivery. Unfortunately, the poor bird had to fly down the stairwell to ground level and out the open terrace since the forger's apartment had no windows. She was carrying some rolled up paper on which her owner had written the perfect end to his prized short story, what's delivery was a mission of utmost importance.
You see, the forger was very proud of this story's ending as it unabashedly mocked the last two novellas in a complete collection written by his far more successful literary rival, Condolyssa Blackburn, who had worked to expose the forger's dishonesty by high-hatting his private dealings in said novellas, of which the forger grew thirsty for revenge. This same short story would later assist the forger in framing her for a homicide.
So, the swindler in the stairwell knew of the forger's vulture, but he hated birds and went about swatting and cursing at her for flying around in the building. Though, little did the swindler realize that there was a third crook who had been hiding in the shadows of the stairwell above him. As the swindler rounded the corner and came into view, the young thief named Khan had already lept from the banister one floor up behind the swindler as he planned to knock the swindler down and take his money.
As was indicative of his inexperience, young Khan did not notice the vulture until after he lept from the banister as he was too busy marking the swindler to notice the large bird flying past him on it's way down. The sight of the dutiful bird had caused the swindler to stop and swat and curse, which completely negated Khan's calculated leap, so as he fell toward where the swindler would have been had it not been for the vulture, he joined the swindler in cursing wildly at the bird because she had single-wingedly ruined his plan.
Khan's midair cursing fit caught the attention of the swindler who sighted him, and since Khan was quite green and merely half his age, the swindler immediately began talking down to him, attempting to illustrate how feeble and worthless his attempt to swindle a swindler. Yet, as the swindler turned to continue his ascent upstairs, his pride had hindered him from noticing that Khan had successfully picked the wallet from his back pocket.
Thus, Khan's incredibly embarrassing, albeit successful, incident is now humorously referred to among his fellow con men as the "greatest con ever botched," which is far less mentally demanding than what it was formerly referred to as, which was the "condescending conned ascending con dissenting condor-sending condescending con's descending condor sending condor-sending condescending con's dissenting conte's ending condescending con-dissenting Condi's ending condescending contes ending condescending Khan's descending on dissenting conned ascending con dissenting condor-sending condescending con's descending condor sending condor-sending condescending con's dissenting conte's ending condescending con-dissenting Condi's ending condescending contes sending condescending Khan descending condescending condor-sending condescending con's descending condor sending condor-sending condescending con's dissenting conte's ending condescending con-dissenting Condi's ending condescending contes ending condescending conned ascending con's dissenting on dissenting condor-sending con's descending condor sending condor-sending condescending con's dissenting conte's ending condescending con-dissenting Condi's ending condescending contes sending condescending conned ascending con's dissenting condor-sending condescending con's descending condor sending condor-sending condescending con's dissenting conte's ending condescending con-dissenting Condi's ending condescending contes on descending condescending Khan's descending" con.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tp3kt/a_swindler_passes_by_a_bird_in_the_stairwell_of/
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George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tp12u/george_clooney_leonardo_dicaprio_and_matthew/
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"Hey Steve, how do I get rid of this error message on my computer? It's telling me to stop procrastinating."

"Easy. Just hit 'Remind Me Later'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tp0sc/hey_steve_how_do_i_get_rid_of_this_error_message/
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Is there more than one singular first person objective pronoun?

Or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7toydh/is_there_more_than_one_singular_first_person/
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The pizza roll box says "Let stand for 2 minutes" after cooking

But all they want to do is lay there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7toyda/the_pizza_roll_box_says_let_stand_for_2_minutes/
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The top salesman

A young man moves into the city and goes to a big mall to look for a job.
Manager: Do you have any experience as a salesman?
Young man: Of course, where I come from, I was always the top Salesman.
The manager likes the self confidence of the man and gives him the job. The first day of work is hard but he finishes and after the mall closes, the manager comes to him and ask him: "How many customers did you have today?"
"One"
"Just one? Our Salesman usually have 20 to 30 customers per day! How big was your total price?"
"210,325$ and 65 pennies"
"210,325.65$? How did you sale?!?"
"Well first I sold the man a small fishing hook, then a middle one and then an even bigger one. At the end I sold him a new fishing route. I asked him where he wanted to go fishing and he said "up at the coast".
Thus I told him that he'd need a boat for this. We went to the boats division and I sold him a double motor Seawind. He doubted his Honda Civic could tow this boat, thus I brought him to the car division and sold him a Pajero with 4-wheel drive"
Manager: "So you want to tell me that a customer came to you to buy a fishing hook and you sold him serveral, a fishing route, a boat and a terrain car?!?"
Young man: "Ohh nono. He came to buy a package of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well when your weekend will be boring anyway, you could just as well go fishing"".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tox28/the_top_salesman/
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What did the transplant recipient say post-op?

"I've had a change of heart"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7towcp/what_did_the_transplant_recipient_say_postop/
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Let’s stop calling countries shitholes...

And start calling them Turd-world nations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tousc/lets_stop_calling_countries_shitholes/
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I went to the boomerang store the other day

They had a great return policy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7toszg/i_went_to_the_boomerang_store_the_other_day/
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Why is the show called SpongeBob...

when Patrick is the star. Hurr-durr. Tee-hee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7toizr/why_is_the_show_called_spongebob/
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I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn’t prevent you from getting your wife pregnant.

It just changes the color of the baby.  :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tohqn/i_was_disappointed_to_find_out_a_vasectomy_doesnt/
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TIL: The Polish Space Program planned to be the first country to send a man to the sun.

When asked how they would prevent their astronauts from burning up, space program officials stated "We'll go at night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tohp4/til_the_polish_space_program_planned_to_be_the/
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A man asks a taxidermist what they do for a living...

He replies:
"I dunno... stuff... I guess..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tocoy/a_man_asks_a_taxidermist_what_they_do_for_a_living/
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Two Minute Management Course

Lesson One ...
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.
Management Lesson - To be sitting doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two ...
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Lesson - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three ...
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lessons -
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends your two-minute
Management course ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7to9vw/two_minute_management_course/
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Communists don't grab people by the pussy.

They seize the means of production.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7to6e5/communists_dont_grab_people_by_the_pussy/
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I'll never forget my dad's passing.

He was the greatest footballer I knew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7to5gc/ill_never_forget_my_dads_passing/
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Why is the military so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7to3b2/why_is_the_military_so_strict_about_their_uniforms/
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I bought a pack of condoms and the pharmacist asked if I'd like a bag for that.

I said, "no I'm good,  she's actually quite pretty"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7to1b7/i_bought_a_pack_of_condoms_and_the_pharmacist/
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My girlfriend got an eye operation done a few days ago

Right after it she broke up with me.
She said she can’t see me anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tnynf/my_girlfriend_got_an_eye_operation_done_a_few/
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IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad has died at 91. His funeral procession will be a winding path that takes about 2 hours with a pause in the middle for refreshments.

We also seem to have an extra casket handle and a handful of screws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tnw0f/ikea_founder_ingvar_kamprad_has_died_at_91_his/
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Two priests and a whale walk into subway

The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.
The second priest orders a meatball sub, and he also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine, but since I got the other priest some, I'll go run and get you some." So he runs across the street again to the liquor store.
Then the whale walks up to the counter and says, "Waoooaoooooaaooo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tnod4/two_priests_and_a_whale_walk_into_subway/
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The Question

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tnm9z/the_question/
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A guy goes into a bar......

A guy goes into a bar in New York where all the bartenders are robots: The guy sits down at the bar and the robot asks: “What will you have? The guy replies, “Whiskey.” The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?” The guy say, “168.” The robot talks about physics, space exploration, and medical technology. After the guy leaves, he pauses at the street corner and thinks about what he just encountered, and the more he thinks about it the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.
The robot asks, “What’s your drink?” The guy answers, “Whiskey.” The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?” This time the man replies, “100.” The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, LSU and All-star Wrestling. The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in this “experiment” that he decides he'll try again.
He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he wants to drink. The man replies, “Whiskey.” The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?” This time the man answers, “50.”
The robot leans in real close and slowly asks, "So, are you people still unhappy that Hillary lost?”﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tnlez/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar/
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I like the way you're thinking

Little Johnny always tried to make the teacher feel uncomfortable.
One day we were making some simple math tests, and after a while, the teacher asks Little Johnny: 'Johnny, if there are five birds on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?'
Johnny answers: 'None, because they all got scared from the gunfire.'
'No,' says the teacher. 'There are four left, but I like the way you're thinking.'
'Well, let me ask you a question then,' says Little Johnny. 'Three women are eating an ice cream. One is biting the ice cream, one is licking, and one is sucking. Now which one do you think has a husband?'
The teacher got a bit nervous, but ansewerd nevertheless: 'The one who is sucking.'
'No,' says Little Johnny. 'The one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tnlbx/i_like_the_way_youre_thinking/
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Man: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope?

Customer: No thanks, I’d have no use.
Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do!
Customer: I can’t read this, it’s too small!
Man: Boy have I got the product for you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tni2o/man_hey_sir_could_i_interest_you_in_a_microscope/
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And old woman is carrying two garbage bags...

I was walking down the street, and I saw this elderly woman, carrying two garbage bags. I walked up to her in amazement and asked: 'My lady, what's in those bags?'
She looks mildly amused and said: 'Well, I live next to a pub, and after all those men have downed a couple, they crawl into my garden to take a leak. I couldn't accept that, so I made a fence with a hole in it, with a sign next to it that says: 'Pay twenty bucks to pee, or I'll cut off your dick'. But of course, they all want to take a leak, so this right garbage bag is full of twenties.'
I was amazed, but also kind of amused. I asked: 'But then, what's in the other bag?'
With a big smile on her face, she says: 'Well, they don't all pay...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tnhbm/and_old_woman_is_carrying_two_garbage_bags/
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So I went down on my wife for the first time

After having our 2nd kid. I told her "damn you got a big pussy, damn you got a big pussy."  She looked at me shocked and asked why I said it twice and I said I didn't!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tnbkk/so_i_went_down_on_my_wife_for_the_first_time/
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What do you call a dog with no ears?

whatever the fuck you want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tn657/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_ears/
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Why did the Norwegian Navy put bar codes on their ships?

So that when they dock, they can scan the navy in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tn2y7/why_did_the_norwegian_navy_put_bar_codes_on_their/
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I have a good friend who was born with 5 penises

One day he went to the doctor for a check up. The doc said “Well, you’re still in perfect health but let me ask you, how in the world does your underwear fit?”
“Like a glove.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tn0vd/i_have_a_good_friend_who_was_born_with_5_penises/
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The Purina Diet

A friend of mine has a big Labrador Retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Walmart for him, a woman behind me in the checkout line asked if  it was for a dog. (duh)
On impulse, I told her no. I explained that I was starting the Purina diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before  I awakened in intensive Care Ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is you load all your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital last time because I'd been poisoned. I told her no I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have to have help as he laughed so hard he fell to the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tmuh1/the_purina_diet/
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3 Europeans come to America...

They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tmsyg/3_europeans_come_to_america/
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The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local patisserie is retiring next month.

There'll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tmqfj/the_man_who_makes_the_giant_eclairs_at_our_local/
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Walking into a bar.

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian, and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...
The doorman stops them and says “Sorry, I cant let you in without a Thai.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tmkvk/walking_into_a_bar/
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Impact of Job Change!!

One day, A taxi passenger touched driver on his shoulder to ask something. Driver screamed, lost control of car, went up on footpath & stopped few inches from a shop.
The passenger apologised & said: "I didn't realise that a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: Sorry it's not your fault, it's my 1st day as a cab driver, I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies from last 25 years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tmj1g/impact_of_job_change/
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A ride to Buckingham Palace

2015:
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Obama and says:
"Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tmepz/a_ride_to_buckingham_palace/
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I got a handjob from a blind girl last night...

She said that I had the biggest dick she’s ever had in her hands. I told her she must be pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tmaii/i_got_a_handjob_from_a_blind_girl_last_night/
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What do you call a group of dolphins that move according to the moons gravity?

A Tide pod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tm8i3/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_dolphins_that_move/
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Now that Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA, is dead...

... Do we have to buy our furniture from EA?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tm1w5/now_that_ingvar_kamprad_the_founder_of_ikea_is/
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My doctor asked me why I looked confused when I saw my blood type

I told him I wasn’t positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tm1ud/my_doctor_asked_me_why_i_looked_confused_when_i/
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What's Ozzie short for?

Because he was malnourished as a child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tm1fv/whats_ozzie_short_for/
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Why would someone need a Death Star?

For Alderaan reasons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tlzzn/why_would_someone_need_a_death_star/
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I spotted my midget neighbor at the bus stop. I yelled “hop in, I’ll give you a ride home!” And he told me “fuck off”

I shrugged, zipped up my backpack and walked away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tlxh2/i_spotted_my_midget_neighbor_at_the_bus_stop_i/
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"Forget everything you learned in college, you won't need it working here"

"But I never went to college."
"I'm sorry, you're under-qualified to work here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tlnzf/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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It’s not fair that procrastination gets such a bad rap.

It has literally kept me alive for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tlnoy/its_not_fair_that_procrastination_gets_such_a_bad/
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What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horses mouth?

A mechanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tlk66/what_do_you_call_an_amish_guy_with_his_hand_in_a/
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Having big tits because you are fat...

is like having a fast car because it's falling off a cliff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tliun/having_big_tits_because_you_are_fat/
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When my dad chopped onions, I cried. I miss onions...

Onions was a nice dog﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tlhnq/when_my_dad_chopped_onions_i_cried_i_miss_onions/
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The greyhound ride

One of my favorites from my country, not sure if I have heard it in the US, so I adapted the cities:
A man needs to take a greyhound from miami to savannah. The night before he goes out partying and arrives dead tired to the bus station. He tells the driver he’s going to fall asleep but to please wake him up NO MATTER WHAT when they arrive in Savannah, since the bus is going all the way to Myrtle Beach.
He goes to sleep and the next thing he knows all the passengers are getting off in Myrtle Beach. The man then runs towards the driver and starts yelling and cursing at him for not waking him up.
Two men are in the back of the bus watching the whole thing. One of them goes:
“That man sure is pissed off at the driver!”
The other man replies:
“That’s nothing! You should have seen the dude they dropped off in Savannah!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tlccl/the_greyhound_ride/
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what do you call an angry german?

a sauerkraut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tl906/what_do_you_call_an_angry_german/
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First time buying condoms

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tl8qp/first_time_buying_condoms/
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A programmer goes to a grocery store.

Before he leaves home, his wife tells him:
“Get a bread. If they have eggs, get 10.”
The programmer walks into the store and asks the clerk:
“Do you have eggs?”
“Yep.”
“10 loaves of bread, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tl4ud/a_programmer_goes_to_a_grocery_store/
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If you aren't part of the solution

Then you weren't properly dissolved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tl3vn/if_you_arent_part_of_the_solution/
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The Lone Ranger's Last Wishes

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a hostile Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger..., in honor of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days, but before we kill you, I grant you three requests.  What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.
Later that evening, Silver returned with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watched, the blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admitted that he was impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse,
but we will still kill you in two days,  what is your SECOND request?" The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse.
Silver came to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, this time with a voluptuous brunette even more attractive than the blonde. She entered the Lone Ranger's tent
and spent the night. The following morning the Indian Chief
said, "You are indeed a man of many talents, but we will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?" The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse - alone."
The Chief was curious, but he agreed, and Silver was brought to The Lone Ranger's tent. Once they were alone, The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears, looked him square in the eye and said, Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
"BRING POSSE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tl188/the_lone_rangers_last_wishes/
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What’s a computer’s favourite beat?

An algo-rythm!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tkyrf/whats_a_computers_favourite_beat/
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"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?
"Bond Name's the james"
Are you alright?
"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tkpa1/the_bonds_name_james_name/
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A little boy goes on a train ride...(long)

A thought occurs to him, so he looks up at his Mom and says, "Mommy, if big dogs have little dogs and big cats have little cats and big people have little people, why don't big trains have little trains?"  Well, Mom doesn't want to engage in a "birds and bees" lesson with junior, so she punts and replies "That's a question you should ask your father.  He'll know the right answer."
So, the little boy taps on Dad's newspaper and asks, "Daddy, if big dogs have little dogs and big cats have little cats and big people have little people, why don't big trains have little trains?"  Dad is not in the mood.  He's busy reading stock reports.  So, he replies, "son, see that man up there?  He's the conductor and he knows all about trains and how they work.  You should go ask him."
So, the little boy wanders up the aisle, tugs on the guys jacket, looks up and asks, "Mr. Conductorman, if big dogs have little dogs and big cats have little cats and big people have little people, why don't big trains have little trains?"
The kindly conductor looks down and says, "That's an excellent question!  Who told you to ask me that?"  The little boy says he asked his parents, but they didn't now.  The conductor then says, "Son, you go tell your parents that big trains don't have little trains because Amtrak pulls out on time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tkn9l/a_little_boy_goes_on_a_train_ridelong/
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I was going to make a bread joke

But it was sourdough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tkm33/i_was_going_to_make_a_bread_joke/
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The salesman

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j- joooob-b."
"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment ," said the owner.
"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k- kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.
"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.
So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.
The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, "Her- ers y-yooour m-m-money."
The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"
"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H- Hel-Hello, M-m- maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tkf2z/the_salesman/
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I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many peoples’ education that would pay for.

At least 4 or 5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tkf2x/i_read_the_other_day_that_penn_state_has_spent/
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Two men stand around a hole

Two men are standing around this big hole, looking down it there seems to be no end in sight. One says "Hey let's see how far this thing goes down" so they pick up this rusty anvil they find and drop it down.
WOOoo^oo^oosh
They don't even hear it hit the bottom. Not long after this, a goat comes out of nowhere, charging at one of them. The fella jumps out of the way and this goat falls straight into the hole.
WOOoo^oo^oosh
Again not hearing it hit the bottom. Both now confused, they hear this farmer calling,
"Becky!"
"Becky!!"
He comes running over and exclaims "Have you seen my goat?" one of the men replies
"Yeah he came charging at us at about 80 miles per hour and fell down this hole"
The farmer says "But that's impossible he was chained to an anvil"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tke5c/two_men_stand_around_a_hole/
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A dog went to a telegram office

and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tkdev/a_dog_went_to_a_telegram_office/
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A police officer comes across several vultures grouped together.

He gets closer to see what they're doing. It's obvious that they're eating a dead animal. The officer says, "sorry, carry on" and goes on his way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tkbuo/a_police_officer_comes_across_several_vultures/
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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
---

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tkaw0/the_nurse_at_the_sperm_bank_asked_me_if_id_like/
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What do you call the crack dealer on a bicycle?

A drug peddler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tk8e6/what_do_you_call_the_crack_dealer_on_a_bicycle/
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It’s all shits and giggles....

Until somebody giggles and shits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tk7mm/its_all_shits_and_giggles/
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A guide to effective academic communication

Academic phrases  and their translations
==================================
* It has long been known  =  I haven't bothered to look up the reference
* It is believed  = I think
* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too
* It is not unreasonable to assume  =  If you believe this, you'll believe anything
* Of great theoretical importance= I find it kind of interesting
* Of great practical importance =I can get some mileage out of it
* Typical results are shown = The best results are shown
* 3 samples were chosen for = The others didn't make sense, so in further study we ignored them
* The 4 hour sample was not studied =I dropped it on the floor
* It has not been possible to provide definitive answers = The experiment was negative but at least I can publish the data
* Correct within an order of magnitude = Wrong
* It might be argued that = I have such a good answer for this objection that I shall now raise it
* Much additional work will be  required = This paper is not very good, but  neither are all the others in this miserable field
* These investigations proved highly rewarding = My grant is going to be renewed
* I thank X for assistance with the experiments and Y for useful discussions
on the interpretation of  the data  =  X did the experiment and Y explained it to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tk662/a_guide_to_effective_academic_communication/
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A man did a urine test

The test came back and the doctor said that he had diabetes. The man couldn't believe it and he gave another urine samples and redid the testing five times, but the result was still the same in everyone of them.
The man was so mad that he wanted to fuck with the doctor. He took a urine sample from himself, his wife and his daughter. He went to his car and took a bit of oil and mixed it with all the samples and gave it to the laboratory to be tested.
The results came back and his doctor said, "your wife is cheating on you, your daughter is pregnant, your car's oil needs to be changed and you motherfucker have diabetes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tk44k/a_man_did_a_urine_test/
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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tjz2k/on_my_first_day_in_prison_my_cellmate_said_to_me/
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Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off...

And then a turn on again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tjvqx/telling_someone_that_you_work_in_it_support_can/
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IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91.

His funeral has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KÖFFIN product

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tjvch/ikea_founder_ingvar_kamprad_dies_at_91/
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I'm hosting a charity night for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

If you can't come please let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tjrfv/im_hosting_a_charity_night_for_people_who_have/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

***Because they lactose***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tjpp4/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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Donald Trump is visiting Scotland...

...and he is looking around a hospital. When he goes into one ward, a patient sits up and exclaims "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"
Not knowing quite what to make of this, the Pres goes on to the next bed where the patient cries out "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"
And the next patient chips in, "Some hae meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat that want it; But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit!"
Turning discreetly to the doctor who is showing him round, Trump enquires, "So, is this the psychiatric ward or something?"
And the doctor says "Och no, sir...
"...it's the Burns Unit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tjolm/donald_trump_is_visiting_scotland/
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If I bought a balloon for $0.99...

How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tjo1d/if_i_bought_a_balloon_for_099/
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What does r/Jokes and cardboard have in common?

They're probably recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tjfww/what_does_rjokes_and_cardboard_have_in_common/
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A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates

and announces his presence to St.  Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest.  He announces himself to St. Peter.  Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."  The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly:  "Here we are interested in results.   When you preached, people slept.  When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tje46/a_cab_driver_reaches_the_pearly_gates/
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Mother & Daughter

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tjay7/mother_daughter/
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My Irish relatives sent me 20 bags of shit

For me "Twenty turd" birthday..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tj63t/my_irish_relatives_sent_me_20_bags_of_shit/
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The only "C" word you should call a woman is cute.

Cunts like it when you call them cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tj5jl/the_only_c_word_you_should_call_a_woman_is_cute/
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A man walks into a barbershop

He tells the barber, "Could you give me a haircut, where you cut one sideburn is longer than the other, you use the razor to make several baldspots on the front of my head, and you make clear zigzags down the back of my head?"
The barber responds, "That's terrible! I can't do that."
The man retorts, "But that's what you did last time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tj4dl/a_man_walks_into_a_barbershop/
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A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That's confidential."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tiz4p/a_young_boy_asks_his_dad_what_is_the_difference/
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What do you call a group of babies being sent to war?

The Infantry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tiqe0/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_babies_being_sent_to/
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"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tigx7/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
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Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a child with blonde hair and blue eyes?

I guess two Wongs really do make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tif9i/did_you_hear_about_the_chinese_couple_that_had_a/
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A man is walking in a graveyard

when he hears the Third Symphony playing backwards.
When it's over the Second Sympnony also starts playing backward.
"What's going on ?" he asks the cemetry worker.
"It's Beethoven" says the worker "he is decomposing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tieu0/a_man_is_walking_in_a_graveyard/
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A priest and a rabbi.

A priest and a rabbi are walking by a burning orphanage, the priest says to the rabbi "We have to save the kids."   The rabbi says "Fuck the kids!" The priest says "Do we have time?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tiecw/a_priest_and_a_rabbi/
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What does Hitler drink with his breakfast?

Milk because he doesn't like juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tie8c/what_does_hitler_drink_with_his_breakfast/
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A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the$500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tie2q/a_lawyer_and_a_senior_citizen_are_sitting_next_to/
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Two liars went for a swim.

Now these two were a dad and his son. The dad climbed a boulder and proceeded to dive into the water. He got his foot stuck between some rocks and struggled to release his feet for around 2 minutes before swimming back to the surface.
Son: You were under for quite a while there. What happened?
Dad: Oh! I found a nice diner down there and decided to stop for a cup of coffee!
Son: Yeah right. I bet there's a Starbucks down there too.
Dad: I'm not kidding! Dive down and see it for yourself.
The son then proceeded to dive from the same boulder, but with better technique. Due to this, he reached the bottom with quite some speed and his head collided with a rock that causes it to bleed. Dizzy, he takes some time to recover, then swims back to the surface.
Dad: Jesus! Why is your head bleeding?!
Son: I've stopped by the diner that you mentioned for some coffee myself. The owner hit me on the head with a fucking rock because your cheap ass didn't pay for the coffee!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tidty/two_liars_went_for_a_swim/
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A farmer goes to a livestock dealer

and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, “Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?
The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tidjr/a_farmer_goes_to_a_livestock_dealer/
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A Mexican magician was finishing up his act...

It was time for his big finale.
"And now, for my final trick, I will make myself disappear on the count of three!"
"Uno! Dos!"
POOF!
He was gone without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ticzt/a_mexican_magician_was_finishing_up_his_act/
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Why does NASA send their workers Sprite?

Because since the Shuttle stopped flying, they can't send 7 Up any more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ti9iy/why_does_nasa_send_their_workers_sprite/
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What type of bee produces milk

Boobees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ti4tf/what_type_of_bee_produces_milk/
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An ex-girlfriend once told me I only had two emotional states - anger and apathy.

At first, I was really pissed off. But then I was like - meh, who cares?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ti4ri/an_exgirlfriend_once_told_me_i_only_had_two/
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I recently got a tattoo of the numbers 1 through 9 on my back...

so that way if you have my back you can always count on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ti3h8/i_recently_got_a_tattoo_of_the_numbers_1_through/
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What's a pirates favourite letter of the alphabet?

I bet you thought it was R. But everyone knows, a Pirate's first love is the C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ti25w/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter_of_the_alphabet/
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I was surprised when I heard about the flooding in Paris...

...normally, the water is l'eau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7thz9m/i_was_surprised_when_i_heard_about_the_flooding/
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"You've got to let people know where you're going!" said my driving instructor as we merged on to the expressway...

"OK!" I replied as I updated my Facebook status.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7thz4k/youve_got_to_let_people_know_where_youre_going/
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What's the funny part of an isis joke?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7thubq/whats_the_funny_part_of_an_isis_joke/
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In the USSR we had this joke

But we were keeping it to ourselves so they confiscated it, and threw us in jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7thpcl/in_the_ussr_we_had_this_joke/
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What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7thi1m/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
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Atouboigrahpy.

My life is messed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7thh9i/atouboigrahpy/
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A citizen of Moscow went into a restaurant

and ordered: "Borsht, veal cutlets, rhubarb pie, a cup of coffee....oh and a copy of Pravda please."
"Certainly," said the waiter, "we have all that you have ordered except Pravda. That newspaper ceased publication when the old Communist regime collapsed."
The waiter duly brought the borsht; the customer ate it with relish and said: "And now bring me the veal cutlets and don’t forget my rhubarb pie, coffee and my copy of Pravda."
The waiter said patiently: "I’m sorry but I can’t bring you a copy of Pravda. It doesn’t exist anymore. It died with the Communists."
The cutlets in turn were brought and eaten. "Now," said the customer, "please bring me my rhubarb pie and then my coffee and the copy of Pravda."
"The rhubarb pie is no problem," said the waiter, "and there’s plenty of coffee but there is no longer any Pravda – like the old Communist government, it’s finished, done away with, no more."
The customer consumed his pie and called the waiter over to his table. "That was excellent," he said, "and now I’m ready for my coffee and the copy of Pravda."
The waiter exploded: "How many times do I have to tell you, there is no Pravda. There is no Communist government. We’ve got rid of all that!"
"Yes, I know," said the customer, "I just wanted to hear you say it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7thbjh/a_citizen_of_moscow_went_into_a_restaurant/
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A man once bought a parrot

After bringing it home, he realizes that the parrot has the most vile, filthy vulgar vocabulary. The man, on the other hand, was educated and polite and this caused him great embarrassment.
After a few days, the man has had enough and tells the parrot "If you don't behave yourself, I'm going to throw you in the closet". The parrot responds with a load of filth, so the man throws him in the closet.
The parrot continues to spew garbage from the closet, so the man opens the closet and grabs the parrot with both hands. The parrot continues to curse and slander as the man walks to the kitchen, opens the freezer, throws the parrot in there and slams it shut.
As the man listens, the parrot curses for a few seconds, but then suddenly, it goes silent. A few minutes go by and the man is worried that maybe the parrot died, so he opens the freezer door. The parrot comes out with trembling feet, climbs up on the man's shoulder and says "Master, you will not hear another uncultured word come out of my mouth as long as I live. But Master, may I ask one last question?"
The man is astonished at this sudden change and says "Uhmm sure"
The parrot says "What exactly did the chicken do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7th74s/a_man_once_bought_a_parrot/
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why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?

because the grass tickles their balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7th1tl/why_do_dwarfs_laugh_when_they_play_soccer/
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I wrote a joke about an inexperienced skydiver.

It didn't go down well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tgyjt/i_wrote_a_joke_about_an_inexperienced_skydiver/
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Apparently, my daughter's boyfriend poured Vodka on her vagina.

Absolut cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tgx2o/apparently_my_daughters_boyfriend_poured_vodka_on/
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Does anyone want to buy a used theremin?

I haven't touched mine in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tgtyh/does_anyone_want_to_buy_a_used_theremin/
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My wife is turning 32 soon..

I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. "After all," I said, "The celebrations are only going to last half a minute."
"What are you talking about?" she asked.
I said, "It’s your thirty-second birthday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tgi2c/my_wife_is_turning_32_soon/
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My friends say I never take the initiative.

I wish they'd just stop being my friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tgfwf/my_friends_say_i_never_take_the_initiative/
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Three friends - two straight guys and a gay guy - and their respective partners are on a cruise.

A tidal wave then came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned.
Next thing you know, they’re standing before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
First up came one of the straight guys and his wife.
St Peter shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, I cannot let you in. You were too greedy. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”
Up next was the second straight guy and his wife. “I’m sorry, for I cannot let you in either. You were also greedy. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”
At this, the gay guy gulped and turned to his boyfriend, whispering nervously, “This doesn’t look good, Dick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tgcvm/three_friends_two_straight_guys_and_a_gay_guy_and/
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TIL some parts of the Titanic are still functional to this day!

The pools are still full!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tgc5o/til_some_parts_of_the_titanic_are_still/
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tg7yd/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
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Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

Because all the other letters are Not-Cs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tg60v/why_is_the_letter_c_afraid_of_the_rest_of_the/
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I found an old pencil

that apparently belonged to Shakespeare. It's so chewed up through the years that I can't tell if it's 2B, or not 2B. ✏

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tg4iv/i_found_an_old_pencil/
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I masturbate with soap

... Just thought I'd come clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tg3a6/i_masturbate_with_soap/
%
,,,,,

Chameleon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tg2hh/_/
%
I'm glad my wife is a phlebotomist.

She's totally into little pricks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tg0ah/im_glad_my_wife_is_a_phlebotomist/
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If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

Congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tfy4d/if_pro_is_the_opposite_of_con_what_is_the/
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What’s the difference between a word that’s spelled the same forwards and backwards and your friend in Italy?

One’s a palindrome and one’s a pal in Rome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tfvzf/whats_the_difference_between_a_word_thats_spelled/
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I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear…

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had, "Serious healthy shoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tfvui/i_think_my_doctor_really_likes_my_choice_of/
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If I had a dollar for every gender...

I'd have 2 dollars and a bunch of counterfeits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tfnr0/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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What do you call a detective who just got back from war?

Shell-shock Holmes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tfmzt/what_do_you_call_a_detective_who_just_got_back/
%
What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tfldj/what_has_2_legs_and_bleeds_a_lot/
%
I can prove 11 = 10 = 9

XI = X = IX
for any matrix X

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tfjho/i_can_prove_11_10_9/
%
Are you from Ireland?

Because when I see you my penis is Dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tfjfr/are_you_from_ireland/
%
The jokes on this subreddit are like US presidents.

You might get a new one once every 4 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tfhma/the_jokes_on_this_subreddit_are_like_us_presidents/
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What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

Its fucking r/aww!!1!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tfdm8/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
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What did one orphan say to the other orphan?

Robin, get in the Batmobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tf996/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other_orphan/
%
So we wont see season 8 of Game of Thrones until 2019

They're really dragon it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tervn/so_we_wont_see_season_8_of_game_of_thrones_until/
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Donald Trump Meets The Devl

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7terl8/donald_trump_meets_the_devl/
%
Did you hear about the gay priest?

He liked hymns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7teqs8/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_priest/
%
In honor of holocaust rememberance day

I told god a holocaust joke.
He didn’t get it.
I said “I guess you had to be there.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7teqf8/in_honor_of_holocaust_rememberance_day/
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What’s the most popular job among Nazis?

Veterinaryan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7teo6g/whats_the_most_popular_job_among_nazis/
%
The furniture store keeps calling me back

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ten7x/the_furniture_store_keeps_calling_me_back/
%
What's the best place to propose to a French person?

At the top of a roller coaster so on the way down they say wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tekyu/whats_the_best_place_to_propose_to_a_french_person/
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Why I fired my secretary...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tegj2/why_i_fired_my_secretary/
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My marriage didnt work out because of Religious differences

She was the Devil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tef1b/my_marriage_didnt_work_out_because_of_religious/
%
In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7teakb/in_ussr_we_had_this_joke/
%
Nobody beats me at the rodeo

Because I’m a great bullsitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7te775/nobody_beats_me_at_the_rodeo/
%
Why don't they allow gambling in Africa ?

Too many cheetahs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7te6jb/why_dont_they_allow_gambling_in_africa/
%
A man goes to the pharmacist asking for some Viagra

The pharmacist asks for his prescription but the man says he doesn't have one. "Well I can't sell you Viagra without a prescription buddy...that would be illegal "
"Look pal" says the man, "I met these two hot young women at the bar last night who just happen to be into older men and they're coming over tonight and I don't have time to see a doctor. Now I need something to keep me going all night and you gotta help me !"
"Alright alright " agrees the pharmacist, "just don't tell anyone where you got it ok"
So the next day rolls around and the guy goes back to the drug store, this time asking for some Ben-Gay. The pharmacist says "ok...but by the way...how'd it go last night ?"
The guy says "well take a look at this". He then pulls he pants down, and the pharmacist is stunned. The man's penis is swollen red, blood all over....open sores...you name it. "Wow" says the pharmacist, "looks like you had a good time...but you can't put Ben-Gay on that...it'll set you on fire!"
"No, you don't understand " replies the man. "The Ben-Gay is for my arm.....they never showed up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7te4e4/a_man_goes_to_the_pharmacist_asking_for_some/
%
A man told me he is going to shit on my grave.

I told him, "over my dead body!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7te49j/a_man_told_me_he_is_going_to_shit_on_my_grave/
%
What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog?

One is assaulting with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7te35s/what_is_the_difference_between_stabbing_a_man_and/
%
Went to the barbers today, I asked him to cut my hair like Tom Cruise.

So he gave me a cushion to sit on !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7te2k6/went_to_the_barbers_today_i_asked_him_to_cut_my/
%
Can we all agree to lay off the fat people jokes?

They have a lot on their plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tdy0c/can_we_all_agree_to_lay_off_the_fat_people_jokes/
%
Have you seen the floods in Paris?

It's inseine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tdvo8/have_you_seen_the_floods_in_paris/
%
Whats the difference between Crystal Pepsi and Jesus

Crystal Pepsi came back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tdrvx/whats_the_difference_between_crystal_pepsi_and/
%
The real joke is always in the comments.

I'm counting on you guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tdrkp/the_real_joke_is_always_in_the_comments/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out camping

They set up their tent and go to sleep. Watson starts snoring, but Sherlock is a light sleeper. After a while. Sherlock wakes up. He looks up at the stars and thinks a bit. Then he wakes Watson up and asks, “Look up at the stars! Do you know what that means?” Watson says, “Yes, there are stars everywhere. Which means there are planets everywhere. Which means there could be life anywhere, and so much more.” Holmes replies, “No, my dear Watson, it means somebody stole our tent.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tdqjf/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_are_out_camping/
%
What song do friends with benefits usually play?

You've got a friend in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tdpwk/what_song_do_friends_with_benefits_usually_play/
%
I don’t understand why people pay so much to go to college

when they can get a wife and get free lectures day and night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tdorp/i_dont_understand_why_people_pay_so_much_to_go_to/
%
A man is sitting at home

when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a small turtle on the porch. Surprised, he picks up the turtle and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same turtle. The turtle says:
“What the fuck was that all about?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tdlrd/a_man_is_sitting_at_home/
%
Teacher told her first grade class,"a single dolphin can have two hundred off spring"

A genius little girl gasped, "How about the married dolphin?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tdlp9/teacher_told_her_first_grade_classa_single/
%
Two carrots are out for a drive in the country

And they're having the time of their lives. They're going fast around the curves and letting the wind in their stalks, just loving it. All of a sudden, they get in a pretty horrific crash and are then rushed to the hospital. One of the carrots is ok, just minor cuts and scrapes, but the other is in pretty bad shape and is rushed into the OR.
After hours of operating, the doctor comes out to the other carrot in the waiting room and says, "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to live. The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tdj8d/two_carrots_are_out_for_a_drive_in_the_country/
%
My black friend asked me if there's a colored printer in the library.

I said "Shit man, it's 2017 you can use whatever printer you want!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tdeyy/my_black_friend_asked_me_if_theres_a_colored/
%
For those who don't know how to satisfy a woman...

The 'G' spot is located at the end of the word shopping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tdaca/for_those_who_dont_know_how_to_satisfy_a_woman/
%
What's the difference between a terrorist training compound and a kids birthday party?

I don't know man, I'm just the drone pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7td8tf/whats_the_difference_between_a_terrorist_training/
%
Three young friends, lil' droplet, lil' feather and lil' brick ask their mothers about how they got their names...

Lil' droplet went up to her mother and asked, "Mommy, why is my name Lil' droplet?"
And so, Lil droplet's mother answered, "Well, it's because a little water droplet fell on your head the moment you were born."
Of course, Lil' droplet went off with glee, happy with the answer.
The, Lil' feather asked his mother, "Mommy, why is my name Lil' feather?"
Lil' feather's mother answered, "Well, it's because a little feather fell right on your head when you were born."
Lil' feather, also happy with the answer, went off skipping with joy.
Finally, Lil' brick asked his mother, "HUUURRRR DUURR ARGH OOORR HUURR OURRRRR DURRR"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7td8aa/three_young_friends_lil_droplet_lil_feather_and/
%
I'm trying to stop with the sexual innuendos

But it's hard... so hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7td86r/im_trying_to_stop_with_the_sexual_innuendos/
%
How do you greet your German celiac friend?

Gluten tag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7td4zt/how_do_you_greet_your_german_celiac_friend/
%
People tell me I speak like an athiest...

But I don't believe any of that nonsense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7td3g1/people_tell_me_i_speak_like_an_athiest/
%
What do boobs and the sun have have in common?

You can look at them longer with sunglasses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7td3c1/what_do_boobs_and_the_sun_have_have_in_common/
%
My friend gave me a ride to work but every time we drove under a bridge my joints started aching.

Guess I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7td2dz/my_friend_gave_me_a_ride_to_work_but_every_time/
%
A man gets on the bus and the only seat available is up front next to a beautiful nun

He tries starting small talk but she isn't interested in the slightest, and a few stops later she gets off. The bus driver, having watched all this, feels sorry for the young man. "hey pal, don't sweat it. She gets on this bus every Tuesday to go to the market and every time there's a young guy like you that tries talking to her. It hasn't ever worked, but don't be so discouraged! I'm feeling pretty generous today, and I know exactly how you can change your luck". He proceeds to tell the young man that he knows a lot about this particular nun, and in fact, knows exactly what he can do.
"Every Tuesday at midnight she goes to the same cemetary to pray to God at her mother's grave. I bet if you show up dressed up as God and demand that she has sex with you, she'll have to because she'll think you're God! But listen, you can only try anal, because she has to stay a virgin for the church".
Now excited, the young man does exactly what the bus driver says and sure enough at midnight, he shows up dressed as God and can see the nun off in the distance praying. He walks up and tells her is God and she has to have sex with him. Reluctantly she agrees, and right after they finish the young man rips off his mask and proclaims "ha! It's me! The guy from the bus!" And the nun rips off her robes and yells "Ha! It's me! The bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7td2bd/a_man_gets_on_the_bus_and_the_only_seat_available/
%
What’s the difference between Adolf Hitler and Usain Bolt?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7td1eq/whats_the_difference_between_adolf_hitler_and/
%
I always give 100% at work

14% on Monday
30% on Tuesday
30% on Wednesday
24% on Thursday
2% on Friday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tcv1w/i_always_give_100_at_work/
%
A man and woman die on their way to get married.

They find themselves in a long line before the Pearly Gates. They spend time talking as they wait and decide to see if they can get married in heaven.
When it's their turn at the gate they ask St Peter if they even can get married in heaven.
"That's a good question. Wait here and I will get you an answer"
St Peter leaves the couple and the minutes turn to hours, the hours turn to days. Finally after more than a week St Peter returns. He look exhausted and worn.
"Ok" he says "you can get married in heaven, go on in"
"But wait! Eternity is a long time. What if things don't work out? Can we get a divorce in heaven?" They ask.
St Peter levels an angry glare at the couple.
"If it took me that long to find a priest in heaven, if you want a lawyer you can go to hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tcmsx/a_man_and_woman_die_on_their_way_to_get_married/
%
I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania...

Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tckc4/i_spent_my_whole_life_being_proud_of_my_british/
%
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying

It's must be too highly strung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tcjif/when_i_play_my_violin_it_always_sounds_like_its/
%
To the lady with all the screaming kids at Walmart who's wondering how the box of condoms got into her cart...

You're welcome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tcj9t/to_the_lady_with_all_the_screaming_kids_at/
%
What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?

Barack-oli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tciu8/whats_michelle_obamas_favorite_vegetable/
%
All the dwarves were sitting in the bath and they were all feeling happy

Happy got out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tcimo/all_the_dwarves_were_sitting_in_the_bath_and_they/
%
Chill!

It’s been snowing all night.  So the morning goes like this:
8:00   I made a snowman.
8:10   A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15   So, I made a snow woman.
8:17   The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.
8:20   The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25   The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28   I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31   The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40   Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42   I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon.
8:45  Local TV news crew shows up.  I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women?  I reply, "Snowballs?" and am called a sexist.
8:52   My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00   I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.
9:10   I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29   A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.
Moral: Learn how to chill...especially in cold weather!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tchky/chill/
%
What do cannibals call unvaccinated children?

Organic food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tceyr/what_do_cannibals_call_unvaccinated_children/
%
What type of jeans does Mario wear?

Denim denim denim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tcecj/what_type_of_jeans_does_mario_wear/
%
A son says: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay.

Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tcdx0/a_son_says_mom_dad_im_gay/
%
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away

As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 5 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tccbn/a_funeral_service_is_held_for_a_woman_who_just/
%
What makes a good tongue-twister?

Well, it's hard to say...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tca8a/what_makes_a_good_tonguetwister/
%
My girlfriend said "Can you compliment me for once?"

She's rather overweight so I said "Don't be sad when people call you fat, you're bigger than that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tc90y/my_girlfriend_said_can_you_compliment_me_for_once/
%
A man is walking through a graveyard when he sees another man squatting next to a grave. "Morning!" he calls out.

"No, just having a shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tc8vw/a_man_is_walking_through_a_graveyard_when_he_sees/
%
What is a video game art designer's favorite soft drink?

Sprite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tc6w3/what_is_a_video_game_art_designers_favorite_soft/
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I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all...

...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tc5jq/ive_been_feeling_really_stressed_lately_so_my/
%
Why is it impossible to keep Oedipus from cheating at Scrabble?

He's always trying to look at his mother's rack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tc2tp/why_is_it_impossible_to_keep_oedipus_from/
%
Usually when I get naked in the bath room

The shower gets turned on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tc0h4/usually_when_i_get_naked_in_the_bath_room/
%
A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

He sits down and drinks coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tbuz9/a_politician_a_liar_and_a_crooked_man_enter_in_a/
%
What did the duck order from the store?

"Chapstick.. and put it on my bill"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tbmax/what_did_the_duck_order_from_the_store/
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There once was a woman who had 100 children.

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact, they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tbjcg/there_once_was_a_woman_who_had_100_children/
%
I've a great fear of speed bumps

but I'm slowly getting over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tbdzv/ive_a_great_fear_of_speed_bumps/
%
2 people are on opposite ends of a vacant lot. What is the difference between them?

A lot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tb79p/2_people_are_on_opposite_ends_of_a_vacant_lot/
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Mike joins a new school.

After school is over he returns home to his mother.
Mom: So Mike, how was your day today?
Mike: It was great! We learned about explosive materials in our lab today.
Mom: That sounds interesting, so what will you learn in school tomorrow?
Mike: What school?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7taylb/mike_joins_a_new_school/
%
Can I borrow your dog ?

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.
A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
"Well, who is in the second coffin?"
My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the man asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7taw5c/can_i_borrow_your_dog/
%
I like my women like I like my plastic bags

Degradable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tavou/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_plastic_bags/
%
TIFU by getting kinky with a variety of citrus fruits...

Ive just tested positive for lemonaids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7taqfk/tifu_by_getting_kinky_with_a_variety_of_citrus/
%
Did you hear about the perfect Irish gay couple?

Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7tapd5/did_you_hear_about_the_perfect_irish_gay_couple/
%
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini

The bartender asks him, olive or twist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ta712/charles_dickens_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a/
%
Energizer Bunny Arrested

Charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ta6kb/energizer_bunny_arrested/
%
Someone stole my Microsoft Office

and they are gonna pay. They have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ta550/someone_stole_my_microsoft_office/
%
A doctor walks into his patient’s room

And says I have good news and bad news for you.
Patient: Well let’s start with the bad news
Doctor: I am sorry to tell you this but your condition is so bad I am going to have to amputate both of your feet.
Patient: What? How can there be any good news?
Doctor: Well the patient next to you wants to buy your slippers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ta50j/a_doctor_walks_into_his_patients_room/
%
What is it called when a person wakes up from a coma and tells you about their experience?

Veggietales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ta28d/what_is_it_called_when_a_person_wakes_up_from_a/
%
Tell a man a joke and he'll laugh for a day.

Tell a man he is a joke and he'll cry for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9xqg/tell_a_man_a_joke_and_hell_laugh_for_a_day/
%
Some say there is no difference between the words complete and finished.

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9xgu/some_say_there_is_no_difference_between_the_words/
%
What’s brown and rhymes with ‘Snoop’?

Dr. Dre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9wxa/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
What do you call a bunch of blindfolded Germans dancing?

The not-see party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9tb2/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_blindfolded_germans/
%
What do you call porn star celebrity look-a-likes?

Doppelbangers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9t4z/what_do_you_call_porn_star_celebrity_lookalikes/
%
Why didn't the 18 year old want to touch the piano keys?

They were minors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9rzg/why_didnt_the_18_year_old_want_to_touch_the_piano/
%
What's the difference between an Enzyme and a Hormone?

You can't hear an Enzyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9pvh/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
%
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with the money from the collection plate.
The priest says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God; whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.”
The minister explains that he has a very similar method: He draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands outside the circle he gives to God, whereas whatever lands inside the circle he keeps.
“I, too, have a system,” the rabbi says. “I throw the money up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9omo/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi/
%
What's a pirates worst fear on a blind date?

A sunken chest and no booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9o33/whats_a_pirates_worst_fear_on_a_blind_date/
%
iNuts, Apple's newest gadget

Apple announced today
that it has developed
a computer chip that can store
and play high fidelity music
in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between
$499.00 and $699.00
depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough
because women have always complained
about men staring at their tits
and not listening to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9mro/inuts_apples_newest_gadget/
%
The angel of death appears before a lawyer and says "Your time has come". The lawyer starts crying and wailing "But I'm only forty"

Angel of death says "Not according to your billable hours"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9lqc/the_angel_of_death_appears_before_a_lawyer_and/
%
What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9kja/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
%
Why isn’t pickle-flavored bread a thing?

Because no one wants to eat a dill dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9j67/why_isnt_pickleflavored_bread_a_thing/
%
Man: why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Woman: would you please call our children by their names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9if7/man_why_are_there_broken_condoms_on_the_couch/
%
My wife told me she was leaving me because I was too cocky and arrogant.

I told her, "Close the door on your way back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9hnl/my_wife_told_me_she_was_leaving_me_because_i_was/
%
Teenage boys will masturbate to anything.

That's why I know so much about toxic shock syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9hdm/teenage_boys_will_masturbate_to_anything/
%
What did one male orphan say to another when they were forced to share a bed?

"No home bro."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9gs2/what_did_one_male_orphan_say_to_another_when_they/
%
Why was the blonde so popular in Japan?

She said hai to everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9fxs/why_was_the_blonde_so_popular_in_japan/
%
Fat kids go to fat camp, where do kids with ADD go?

Concentration camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9cw8/fat_kids_go_to_fat_camp_where_do_kids_with_add_go/
%
I hate it when someone tries to talk to me when I'm taking a dump...

It annoys the shit out of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9clw/i_hate_it_when_someone_tries_to_talk_to_me_when/
%
I dumped the girl I met at Dyslexia Club because she used the "N" word.

Virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9be9/i_dumped_the_girl_i_met_at_dyslexia_club_because/
%
In the bible, Jesus says "for I do not speak of my own accord." I guess he drove a honda but just didn't like to talk about it

I always thought he drove a christler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9b18/in_the_bible_jesus_says_for_i_do_not_speak_of_my/
%
What do you call a bird that’s half rooster and half turkey?

Cock Gobbler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9aqq/what_do_you_call_a_bird_thats_half_rooster_and/
%
A frog, a duck, and a skunk want to go to the movies together

. But, when they go up to the ticket booth, the man working there tells them that only the frog and the duck can watch the movie.
"What?! Why can't I?" asks the skunk.
"Well, the movie tickets cost $1 each. The duck has a bill and the frog has a greenback, but you've only got a scent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t93cy/a_frog_a_duck_and_a_skunk_want_to_go_to_the/
%
I think my cat might be a Chinese communist...

He won’t stop talking about this guy called ‘Mao’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t9261/i_think_my_cat_might_be_a_chinese_communist/
%
I thought of a morbid joke

But I'm not gonna make it.
-
-
-
My girlfriend said this with another joke in mind but I thought the way she brought it up made a nice subtle joke on it's own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t90he/i_thought_of_a_morbid_joke/
%
What is the perfect way to make a Jehovah's witness laugh?

Knock knock jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8zrd/what_is_the_perfect_way_to_make_a_jehovahs/
%
Diabetes runs in my family...

Because no one else does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8zib/diabetes_runs_in_my_family/
%
Hear about the alcoholic that could never choose between wisky or vodka?

He was really good at multiflasking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8y3l/hear_about_the_alcoholic_that_could_never_choose/
%
My new family doctor wrote me a prescription

... and I was able to read all of it perfectly, disappointed by how underqualified medical professionals are these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8y38/my_new_family_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription/
%
A man gets a call from a divorce attorney

He says "I'm with your wife right now. She's taking all of it."
The man says, "Pssh. There's nothing to take!"
The attorney replies, "nine inches isn't nothing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8w0r/a_man_gets_a_call_from_a_divorce_attorney/
%
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with the band The Monkees. I thought she was joking...

Then I saw her face..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8v5u/my_wife_threatened_to_leave_me_because_of_my/
%
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered throughout Disney world.

I don’t want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8ur7/when_i_die_i_want_my_remains_to_be_scattered/
%
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8u16/the_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_him_dad_whats/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8t5m/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
%
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8szo/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8suk/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
Wife told me to take my mother-in-law out.

One punch did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8so6/wife_told_me_to_take_my_motherinlaw_out/
%
I saw an ad for a prison. Apparently they have the safest gym in the country.

There's an Olympic sports doctor there 24/7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8pz5/i_saw_an_ad_for_a_prison_apparently_they_have_the/
%
What do you call a female peacock?

A peacunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8pe2/what_do_you_call_a_female_peacock/
%
A redneck makes a phone call

The man on the other end picks up. "Hello?"
The redneck, voice nervously shaking, says, "Sir, I-I'd like to ask permission to m-marry your daughter. We're in love."
The man replies, "Of course you have  my permission. You're my son and I want you to be happy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8o2p/a_redneck_makes_a_phone_call/
%
How do you know you got everything on a trip to home depot?

Easy, you're on your third trip to Home Depot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8lha/how_do_you_know_you_got_everything_on_a_trip_to/
%
What's the unit for power?

I said, what's the unit for power?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8j0d/whats_the_unit_for_power/
%
I went for a job interview today, when the interviewer asked, "Can you tell me about your previous work experience, in a nutshell?"

I responded, "I've never worked in a nutshell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8ia9/i_went_for_a_job_interview_today_when_the/
%
A man walks into a bar

he sits down at the bar and orders a drink. out of his shirt pocket he pulls out a little man and out of his pants pocket he pulls a little piano with a bench. He sets them on the bar and the little man proceeds to play the piano. The bartender is amazed and asks where he got them. The man pulls an oil lamp out of another pocket and tells the bartender he found this lamp with a genie inside. The bartender asks if he can give it a try. The man shrugs and hands over the lamp. The bartender rubs the lamp and says, "I wish I had a million bucks" and poof! in a puff of smoke the bar is suddenly filled with ducks. "what gives?" asked the bartender. The man explains, "the Genie is a little hard of hearing. Do you think I would really wish for a 12 inch pianist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8gec/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
When does a joke reach "dad joke" level?

When it's full groan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8ewb/when_does_a_joke_reach_dad_joke_level/
%
Which kind of car is most flexible?

Mercedes bends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8e85/which_kind_of_car_is_most_flexible/
%
What did the butcher say when kicked in the genitals?

I've got some tender loins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8dfi/what_did_the_butcher_say_when_kicked_in_the/
%
I took a dyslexic girl home last night.

She ended up cooking my sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t8bed/i_took_a_dyslexic_girl_home_last_night/
%
I snuck downstairs to make pancakes at midnight last night

It took a couple hours and I didn’t want to wake anyone going back up.
I stuck some pancakes to my feet and crepèd back up the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t88uv/i_snuck_downstairs_to_make_pancakes_at_midnight/
%
How does every black joke start?

With a white guy looking over his shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t87id/how_does_every_black_joke_start/
%
What was the money called on Superman’s home planet?

Kryptoncurrency

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t7q1u/what_was_the_money_called_on_supermans_home_planet/
%
What do Santa Clause and Bill Cosby have in common ?

They don’t come until you’re asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t7ovl/what_do_santa_clause_and_bill_cosby_have_in_common/
%
What do you call Jesus' exercise routine?

Crossfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t7nud/what_do_you_call_jesus_exercise_routine/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Just follow the fresh prints!
Also he’s black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t7n50/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
If an ant ate Tums, would it die or trip balls?

Ya know, cuz Tums are antacids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t7glc/if_an_ant_ate_tums_would_it_die_or_trip_balls/
%
Money or Sex which one?

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $300 for what I give you for free." "I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $600 a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t7did/money_or_sex_which_one/
%
Geologists really love rocks....

...that's why they date them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t7byw/geologists_really_love_rocks/
%
My dog loves to chase people on bikes.

I finally had no choice but to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t7bla/my_dog_loves_to_chase_people_on_bikes/
%
A man runs through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop

"You are supposed to stop at a stop sign" the cop says.
"But I slowed down." The driver says
"that's the same thing."
The officer then drags the guy into the road and beats him with his baton
"Now do you want me to stop or slow down?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t79ud/a_man_runs_through_a_stop_sign_and_gets_pulled/
%
A farmer To His Son

A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank: “This year, I can’t plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field." The son wrote back, “Papa, don’t dare plow the field. That is where I hid the money I stole.” The police intercepted the letter and by the next day they'd dug up the entire field but found nothing. The son wrote to his father, “Now you can plant your potatoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t78dd/a_farmer_to_his_son/
%
Lifehack .

1.	Hire the cheapest prostitute you can find.
2.	Take her to a swingers club.
3.	Switch with someone’s hot wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t769y/lifehack/
%
When your pet rock is misbehaving

You hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t72n7/when_your_pet_rock_is_misbehaving/
%
What does a condom and Kodak film have in common?

They both capture that special moment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t71sa/what_does_a_condom_and_kodak_film_have_in_common/
%
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t71r0/a_man_takes_his_seat_at_the_world_cup_final_he/
%
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t70an/i_hope_elon_musk_never_gets_involved_in_a_scandal/
%
My Chinese roommate and I decided to give each other homemade christmas gifts this year!

I'm hoping for an iPad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t7084/my_chinese_roommate_and_i_decided_to_give_each/
%
A little boy asked his father

, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6y6a/a_little_boy_asked_his_father/
%
Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says, "Um, I think we got this joke wrong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6xwd/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
%
My cheap laminated countertop just collapsed

I suppose I always took it for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6xkp/my_cheap_laminated_countertop_just_collapsed/
%
A young couple is in a bus. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6wat/a_young_couple_is_in_a_bus_the_wife_says_to_the/
%
Sexual harassment is when a man talks dirty to a woman

When a woman talks dirty to a man it's $2.99 a minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6pai/sexual_harassment_is_when_a_man_talks_dirty_to_a/
%
I need to find a one armed lawyer...

I’m tired of them saying “On the one hand” and then “On the other hand.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6p8g/i_need_to_find_a_one_armed_lawyer/
%
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is how politics works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6nny/i_told_my_son_you_will_marry_the_girl_i_choose/
%
Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.
Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been wined and dined before" girl says.
So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home.
Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" Asks man.
"Never been fucked before" says girl.
So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says...
"Well you're fucked now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6mzj/not_for_the_easily_offended_my_favourite/
%
Jerking off with glue was fun at first...

But now it just feels like I’m beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6mc4/jerking_off_with_glue_was_fun_at_first/
%
My cannibal friend likes to eat tight-rope-walkers...

As part of a balanced diet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6lh2/my_cannibal_friend_likes_to_eat_tightropewalkers/
%
The police recently complimented me on my driving

They left a note on my windscreen which stated Parking Fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6l1h/the_police_recently_complimented_me_on_my_driving/
%
The wife told me she was taking the dog to the vets tomorrow...

Because every time I am out of the house and she bends over it tries to have sex with her. I said you cant have him put down because of that, she replied who said anything about getting him put down, I am getting his nails trimmed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6hi9/the_wife_told_me_she_was_taking_the_dog_to_the/
%
Do you know why surfers eat their food cold?

Because they don't like microwaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6g30/do_you_know_why_surfers_eat_their_food_cold/
%
How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it's a girl ant, if it floats it's Buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6fdu/how_do_you_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant/
%
To the guy who stole my MS Office key, I will Find You!

You have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6cid/to_the_guy_who_stole_my_ms_office_key_i_will_find/
%
A boy on a farm goes to the kitchen one morning.

His mother refuses to serve breakfast until after he's done his chores. So he tends to the cow, and then kicks the cow. He tends to the chicken, and kicks the chicken. He tends to the pig, and kicks the pig.
When he goes back to the kitchen, he's handed a bowl of dry cereal and a small plate of toast. "Where's the milk? Where's the eggs? Where's the bacon?"
His mother responds, "I saw you kick the cow. No milk for a week. You kicked the chicken. No eggs for a week. You also kicked the pig. No bacon for a week."
The boy's father comes into the kitchen and then kicks the cat.
The boy looks to the mother and asks, "Should you tell him, or should I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t69h1/a_boy_on_a_farm_goes_to_the_kitchen_one_morning/
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A man is taking a Rorschach test

The doctor shows him an inkblot, and the man says "That looks like a huge pair of breasts".
The doctor shows him another inkblot, and the man says "That looks like a big thick cock".
The doctor shows him another inkblot, and the man says "That looks like a man fucking a woman in the ass".
At this point the doctor puts the inkblots away, and says, "Well, it seems as though you may be obsessed with sex".
And the patient says, "Me, obsessed with sex? You're the one who's showing me all these filthy pictures!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t68tl/a_man_is_taking_a_rorschach_test/
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Every 40 seconds...

A statistic is misused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t67nl/every_40_seconds/
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All these Muslims hitting people with cars...

If the men are this bad at driving, I see why they don't let their women drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t67mg/all_these_muslims_hitting_people_with_cars/
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Trump And The Vending Machine

In a calm White House, Trump finds no one to serve him a coke.
Embarrassed and outraged, he walks until he finds a vending machine. Trump has never seen a vending machine.
Bigly has some change in his pocket; touching money gives him luck.
Trump puts a coin into the machine and this one delivers a can.
Then he inserts another coin which delivers another can.
Trump goes on until he's spent all his change.
Lucky for him, an intern passes in a hurry, looking down. He stops her and embarrassed, he asks her for some change.
Confused at the all scene, she asks why?
"I keep on winning!" trump says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t676b/trump_and_the_vending_machine/
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What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with implants?

One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t66tp/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_stop_and/
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What do you call an old Hispanic immigrant?

A señor citizen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t634z/what_do_you_call_an_old_hispanic_immigrant/
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I saw a blind man's dog urinate on his leg...

I watched the man's reaction. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a doggy treat, and gave it to the dog.
I rushed over to the man and said, "What a great act of kindness you have demonstrated. Your dog urinated on your leg but you showed it forgiveness by feeding it."
The man replied, "I'm not being kind. I just wanted to know which end its head is because I'm gonna kick it up the arse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t6249/i_saw_a_blind_mans_dog_urinate_on_his_leg/
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Just trying to be nice...

I saw a guy at the bar, whom looked really drunk, so just trying to be nice, I offered to take him home.
We pulled up to his house, I walked around and opened his door.  As I helped him out of the car, he just falls down on his face.  I picked him back up and he falls down again.  This happens all the way to the front door.  Finally, I ring the doorbell.  His wife comes to the door and I say, "Ma'am, I brought your husband home from the bar, and he seems to be really drunk".  She says, "Thanks, but where is his wheel chair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t60b3/just_trying_to_be_nice/
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I googled "Rorschach Test"

But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t5t8w/i_googled_rorschach_test/
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I Bought My Wife A Ball Gag For Her Birthday

Wife: Wow!  You’re so kinky, I can’t believe you gave me a sex toy.
Me: Sex toy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t5rs6/i_bought_my_wife_a_ball_gag_for_her_birthday/
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Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- “All I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job.”
Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and everybody can hear what the captain is saying.
Suddenly, an alert flight attendant bolts toward the cockpit to tell the pilot his mic is stuck.
As she’s nearing the door, an old timer stands up and shouts- “Stop! You forgot his coffee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t5qyv/airline_pilot/
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[nsfw] A Husband comes home from work early

He finds a strange man in his bedroom
"Who the hell are you?! Where is my wife?"
"She's in the shower" the man replies.
The husband furious says " Don't you tell her I'm here ! I'm going to hide in the closet and see what she has to say about this."
When the wife comes out she quickly drops her robe and tells her lover " I want you to fuck me until I squirt!"
The lover replies " well if you open that closet door I bet you'll even shit yourself "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t5nsh/nsfw_a_husband_comes_home_from_work_early/
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I just saw a black guy running down the road with a Cape on

I shouted, "Are you a Superhero?".
He said, "No, I haven't paid for my haircut!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t5kpe/i_just_saw_a_black_guy_running_down_the_road_with/
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What do you call a man with no nose and no body

Nobody Nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t5jak/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_nose_and_no_body/
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burrgerkingg

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t5hw0/burrgerkingg/
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Mickey is getting a divorce...

The judge says "I'm sorry Mr. Mouse, but we cannot grant a divorce based on your wife's mental diagnosis or instability."
Micky yells back "I didn't say she was **crazy**, I said she was **Fucking Goofy!**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t5dhe/mickey_is_getting_a_divorce/
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I once kicked a chinese man down a staircase

It was wong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t57op/i_once_kicked_a_chinese_man_down_a_staircase/
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A condom store should be called...

Dicks Sporting Hoods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t54zp/a_condom_store_should_be_called/
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I was blessed with a 7 inch penis

The priest was sent to jail after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t54e7/i_was_blessed_with_a_7_inch_penis/
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A family is at dinner, after they finish, they pick up some toothpicks.

The son notices the father has taken two toothpicks, while the rest of the family have only taken one.
The Dad places one toothpick in his pocket, noticing his son’s confused face, he tells him, “It’s for Ron”.
“Who’s Ron”
“Later Ron”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t4yui/a_family_is_at_dinner_after_they_finish_they_pick/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t4t83/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is a big heavy animal. The other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t4pbz/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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This morning my boss arrived at work on a brand-new Lamborghini.

This morning my boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said "wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied "If you work hard, put all your hours in and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t4mxn/this_morning_my_boss_arrived_at_work_on_a/
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Who am I?

This past Monday morning, Shane the mailman, was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," Shane commented.
David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
Shane thought for a moment and said, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."
"Probably a good thing you did," David responded, "Your name came up 7 times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t4ghj/who_am_i/
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There’s no pleasing my wife sometimes.

She wanted help with the housework so I got my girlfriend to come round and she went mental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t4ax1/theres_no_pleasing_my_wife_sometimes/
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My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I said she started to sound like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t4ar6/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
%
My girlfriend says I need to stop quoting Run D.M.C. ...

But it's like that, and that's the way it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t48gl/my_girlfriend_says_i_need_to_stop_quoting_run_dmc/
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Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?

Because one more would be two farty. 😊

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t479u/why_do_irish_people_only_put_239_beans_on_their/
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If Steve Jobs was the president of US we could have asked all the Americans

How you like them apples?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t46lz/if_steve_jobs_was_the_president_of_us_we_could/
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My wife made decaf without telling me.

That's grounds for divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t465j/my_wife_made_decaf_without_telling_me/
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What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t44hn/whats_the_difference_between_a_security_guard_and/
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What do you call an unexperienced particle?

An amateuron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t43x7/what_do_you_call_an_unexperienced_particle/
%
What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t41yp/what_sort_of_scientists_does_soda_stream_employ/
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My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing...

"And they're off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t41x2/my_wife_and_daughter_are_leaving_me_because_of_my/
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The missionary and the black sheep

A young missionary travels to Senegal to teach God's way to a local tribe.
Upon reaching the village, he is not well received by the inhabitants, but he slowly and steadily create contact.
After many years he's finally accepted by the people and goes along well with everyone, until one day the chief's daughter gives birth to a white child.
Infuriated but not ungrateful for what the missionary has done for the village, he gives him one chance to explain himself in private.
The young man, who is innocent, tells him "I have nothing to do with it, it is just a hazard of the genetics. It's the same as with sheeps, most of them are white but sometimes a black one is born for no reason".
The chief steps back a little, gives a frightened look to the missionary, then whispers : "Ok, I won't say a word about my daugther, but don't you tell anyone about the sheep"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t414o/the_missionary_and_the_black_sheep/
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My ventriloquist dummy said he hates having his life led by someone else.

I said, "Speak for yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t4088/my_ventriloquist_dummy_said_he_hates_having_his/
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My favourite word is "lazy".

Don't ask me to explain why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3zzc/my_favourite_word_is_lazy/
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A man hit his friend in a clearing...

There was no beating around the bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3zpm/a_man_hit_his_friend_in_a_clearing/
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Santa is like my father

I still believe he exists, even though I've never seen him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3zd0/santa_is_like_my_father/
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Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.

"Everybody put your hand up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3zc2/two_thieves_walk_into_an_amputee_clinic/
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Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3y0u/alligators_can_live_up_to_100_years/
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I used to be addicted to Tide Pods...

But I’m clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3uoz/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_tide_pods/
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An Irishman was telling a Scott about his trouble sleeping.

The Scott asks if he’s tried counting sheep. The Irishman says that stuff doesn’t work, it’s for wee babes in mums aarms. The Scott says, “Ney laddie, werks ever time.  But ‘ye got ta meek it reel lifey like in yer heed.  See ever lil’ detail, ever lil’ soond dontcha do any meer wandrin bye.”
The Irishman asked if that really worked and the Scott said, “Ever time as true as the dew in tha morn.  I coont one sheep - an really see ‘er.  Then two sheep. Three.  By sevn er eight I’m hard as a habit.  I have a kweek wank and sleep like a babe.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3tl5/an_irishman_was_telling_a_scott_about_his_trouble/
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I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3s7i/i_took_my_daughter_out_for_her_first_drink/
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Your mom is like a Vietnamese bank.

She loves dongs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3rxw/your_mom_is_like_a_vietnamese_bank/
%
Which gaming console is preferred by most fruits?

The kiwii.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3rr4/which_gaming_console_is_preferred_by_most_fruits/
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The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3ro0/the_pope_and_trump_are_on_stage_in_front_of_a/
%
How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3r70/how_do_you_break_up_two_blind_guys_fighting/
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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3qid/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3qdd/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure_no_wait/
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I saw a very large woman in a bar wearing a T-shirt that said 'I'm a Man-Eater'

I walked up to her, shot her a grin and she told me "Let me guess, you've got a joke about how many men I've eaten?"
I simply told her she spelled manatee wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3o1x/i_saw_a_very_large_woman_in_a_bar_wearing_a/
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A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant...

The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”
The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!”
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where my damn money is!”
The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”
The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase in my garage!”
The Godfather says, “Well!? What did he say?”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says to go fuck yourself. You don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3me5/a_mafia_godfather_accompanied_by_his_attorney/
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Anal sex is a lot like your first car

you don't really want it but your dad gives it to you for your sweet 16 anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3ld4/anal_sex_is_a_lot_like_your_first_car/
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A blonde, brunette and a redhead are interviewing for a waitress job

The boss asks them the defining question:
"If a customer drops money on the floor, what will you do about it?"
The blonde says "I would pick up the money, get the customer's attention and give it back to them".
The brunette says "They wouldn't notice it was gone, so I would pick it up, and put it in the till. More for us!"
The redhead says "I would pick up the money and put it in my pocket. No one would ever know".
Which woman got the job?
The one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3l0t/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_interviewing/
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What's the difference between a hare and a rabbit?

You can pull a hare out your arse but you can't pull a rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3gmd/whats_the_difference_between_a_hare_and_a_rabbit/
%
Why do foot fetishists never win?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3faf/why_do_foot_fetishists_never_win/
%
What's the difference between a cat and a sentence?

One has a pause at the end of its' clause while the other has claws at the end of its' paws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3do0/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_sentence/
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When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3db1/when_you_say_poop_your_mouth_moves_the_same_way/
%
Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3d5r/communism_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3d0d/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_one_day/
%
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3cwr/funny_that_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_tons_of_girls/
%
How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex?

Call her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t3ao4/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_cry_during_sex/
%
I don't like camping with just one other person.

It's just too intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t39s8/i_dont_like_camping_with_just_one_other_person/
%
Why did the president of the Asian porn star club lose his job?

Because he lost his election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t39bu/why_did_the_president_of_the_asian_porn_star_club/
%
5 gay guys are sitting in a hot tub

When all of a sudden a condom comes floating up.
One of them laughs and asks “okay guys seriously, who farted?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t36e4/5_gay_guys_are_sitting_in_a_hot_tub/
%
What did the artist say to get his vehicle moving

Van Gogh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t349x/what_did_the_artist_say_to_get_his_vehicle_moving/
%
"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t31x7/hey_dad_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
%
How are light and hard the same?

I can't sleep with the light on either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t31gv/how_are_light_and_hard_the_same/
%
What's the difference between me and my calendar?

Calendar has dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t30mg/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_my_calendar/
%
The second name of my penis is "Life"

Because Life is hard, but short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t2zmo/the_second_name_of_my_penis_is_life/
%
What's the difference between a Jewish guy and a woman who makes beer?

One's a Hebrew, the other's a Shebrew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t2w3j/whats_the_difference_between_a_jewish_guy_and_a/
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Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...

...never to be heard from again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t2vk1/every_year_hundreds_of_kids_are_shipped_off_to/
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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t2trc/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_basketball_court/
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I told my wife I want my breakfast in bed

now I sleep in the kitchen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t2kp1/i_told_my_wife_i_want_my_breakfast_in_bed/
%
Why do melons have large weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t28x0/why_do_melons_have_large_weddings/
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I sympathize with batteries

I’m never included in anything either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t27xb/i_sympathize_with_batteries/
%
My girlfriend's father asked me what I did for a living

Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t26is/my_girlfriends_father_asked_me_what_i_did_for_a/
%
A feminist once asked me how I viewed lesbians

Apparently, "in HD" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t265v/a_feminist_once_asked_me_how_i_viewed_lesbians/
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Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool...

Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t23ai/carving_a_boob_from_a_tree_would_be_pretty_cool/
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"Dad, what was the name of Adam's mother in law?"

"He didn't have a mother in law, son, because he lived in paradise"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t21qf/dad_what_was_the_name_of_adams_mother_in_law/
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If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...

they would be Starkist lovers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t1y24/if_romeo_and_juliet_were_tuna/
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Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening...

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.
The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t1rwg/upon_arriving_home_in_eager_anticipation_of_a/
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Native American Chief and his 3 sons

One evening, a Native American chief sat down to eat dinner with his wife and three sons. The youngest son, asked his dad how he was named because his friend, Sharp Spear, told him that his name came from what his dad is known for- sharpening spears for the village men. The chief looked at his son, and told him the following, “Son, on the night your mother and I decided to have a third child, we were out in the woods. When we finished the deed required to have another child- we saw a strong buffalo running out in front of the rest. We then decided our child would be named Running Buffalo. That’s how you were named.”
This excited the child and also the middle son, who decided to inquire too. He asked his father how he was named. The chief spoke, “Shooting Star, you’re quite a magnificent story. The night your mother and I made you, a bright red shooting star went across the summer sky. We then knew at that moment, you would be named Shooting Star.”
The middle son boasted proudly that he had a great story for his name. The oldest son then looked at his dad. Before he could ask the chief, the chief spoke, “Listen here Busted Rubber...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t1pkp/native_american_chief_and_his_3_sons/
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Why do you only see Peter Pan in the sky?

Because he Neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t1pbf/why_do_you_only_see_peter_pan_in_the_sky/
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Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five?

Because Logan Paul left him hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t1jpz/why_didnt_the_japanese_guy_get_a_high_five/
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What does gay mean?

asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.
"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t1hqy/what_does_gay_mean/
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What's the worst thing you can tell a cat to do?

Tell it to knock it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t1cdw/whats_the_worst_thing_you_can_tell_a_cat_to_do/
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A man goes to a $5 lady of the night

and he gets crabs.
He goes back to complain, and the woman says
"Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t1asp/a_man_goes_to_a_5_lady_of_the_night/
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection...

Judge says, "First offender?"
"Nah, yer honor. First a Gibson. Then a Fender!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t19h7/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
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I've invented a rocket that intercepts incoming warheads by consuming them.

It's a cannibalistic missile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0tc0/ive_invented_a_rocket_that_intercepts_incoming/
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I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0sec/i_used_to_steal_mitch_hedberg_jokes/
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The myth that rubbing your boobs makes them bigger is obviously false

By that logic most men wouldn't be able to fit their dick in their pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0rke/the_myth_that_rubbing_your_boobs_makes_them/
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job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0pbj/job_interview/
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What is the last thing to go through a fly's head as it smashes against the windscreen of a car going 100km/h?

Its butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0oqo/what_is_the_last_thing_to_go_through_a_flys_head/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed...

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0o47/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
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I know a burglar who doesn't understand figurative language

He takes things literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0mbz/i_know_a_burglar_who_doesnt_understand_figurative/
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If you give an infinite amount of monkeys with typewriters an infinite amount of time, they will eventually recreate all of Shakespeare's masterpieces accidentally...

But give them five minutes, and they'll have the script of The Last Jedi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0hgt/if_you_give_an_infinite_amount_of_monkeys_with/
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I buy my guns from a dude that’s called T. Rex.

He’s a small-arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0hax/i_buy_my_guns_from_a_dude_thats_called_t_rex/
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A man was trying to subdivide a large piece of property he owned in Manhattan.

But no matter how many ways he tried, he was unable to split it up into any number of equal sized parcels. He asked a realtor if she could help, but the realtor said there was simply no way to do it.
“The problem,” she said, “is that’s a piece of prime real estate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0f1x/a_man_was_trying_to_subdivide_a_large_piece_of/
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While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut.

My wife laughed and said, "Do you think that helps you weigh less?"
I said, "No but it does help me to see how much I weigh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0f0v/while_weighting_my_self_on_the_bathroom_scale_i/
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As an optimist, I don’t think I have a drinking problem.

I have a drinking opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0e7c/as_an_optimist_i_dont_think_i_have_a_drinking/
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I personally support trump going to war..

Not our military of course.. just the president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0d4q/i_personally_support_trump_going_to_war/
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0ckl/mahatma_gandhi_as_you_know_walked_barefoot_most/
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Birdy, birdy, in the sky..

..dropped a poopy in my eye. I didn't care, I didn't cry. I just thank God that cows don't fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0at2/birdy_birdy_in_the_sky/
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I have CDO

It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order...
AS THEY SHOULD BE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0ad7/i_have_cdo/
%
People keep telling me im unlucky to have Insomnia but the jokes on them...

only 2 more sleeps till Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t0a2e/people_keep_telling_me_im_unlucky_to_have/
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If a sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA info and one ejaculation equals 15,875 GB of data, then why aren't we using sperm based hard drives?

Because once the data is released the hard drives revert to floppy dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t07s9/if_a_sperm_has_375_mb_of_dna_info_and_one/
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A soldier is stationed in the middle east...

A young, American soldier arrives to his first tour of duty in an undeveloped area of Kuwait, and quickly discovers that things are rather strict. While he's able to distract himself for the first few days, he soon starts to get a little bit "antsy," and wonders how, exactly, he's meant to contend with that. Finally, feeling rather embarrassed, he approaches another soldier.
"Listen, man," the newly arrived soldier whispers, "I was a teenager once. I know how to 'take care of things' without much for inspiration... but come on! There must be something around here to help 'ease the tension.'"
"You're using a lot of euphemisms," the seasoned soldier responds.
"Shut up and tell me the secret," answers the newly arrived soldier.
"Well, which do you want me to do?"
The newly arrived soldier rolls his eyes, becoming irritated at the length of this joke. "Just tell me!"
After glancing around to make sure that nobody is listening, the seasoned soldier leans in close. "Okay, listen: Out behind the barracks, there's a tree. Tied to that tree is a camel. When you're feeling... you know..."
Before the seasoned solider can finish, the newly arrived soldier makes a sound of disgust and pulls away. "That's horrible!" he shouts, and he struts off in a huff.
Still, as the sun sets and the young man finds it increasingly impossible to fall asleep, he decides to bite the proverbial bullet and give the "local remedy" a try. He sneaks out behind the barracks, and sure enough, there's a camel tied to a tree there. After taking a few deep breaths (and finding a bucket on which to stand), the soldier drops his pants. The next several minutes of this joke have been removed for decency's sake, but suffice to say that the soldier finally got some rest that night.
The following morning, the newly arrived solider approaches the seasoned soldier who told him about the camel.
"Well, I did it," he says. "It wasn't as bad as I thought."
"Yeah, you get used to it," the seasoned soldier replies. "My first time, though, I thought that camel-ride to the brothel would last forever."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t02tg/a_soldier_is_stationed_in_the_middle_east/
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I used to be really into the hokey pokey, it was really bad

but then I turned my life around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t025g/i_used_to_be_really_into_the_hokey_pokey_it_was/
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Would Steve Jobs be a better president than Donald Trump?

I don't know, it's like comparing apples to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7t00xd/would_steve_jobs_be_a_better_president_than/
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What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7szxi5/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_and_a/
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Dont know if this is a scam but just got a text saying i won £250 or two tickets to elvis presley tribute act...

Says text 1 for the money or 2 for the show

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7szpye/dont_know_if_this_is_a_scam_but_just_got_a_text/
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What do you call a a large grouping of boobs

Quan-tities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7szps0/what_do_you_call_a_a_large_grouping_of_boobs/
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Working at home sucks.

If you're a firefighter...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7szprz/working_at_home_sucks/
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I was given MDMA and LSD tonight...

Man, what crappy letters to start off a game of Scrabble!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7szodz/i_was_given_mdma_and_lsd_tonight/
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What if Netflix doubled as a dating service

Like “here are 7 other singles close by that also watched That 70's Show for 8 hours straight.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7szh9o/what_if_netflix_doubled_as_a_dating_service/
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Tried to ‘woo’ my girlfriend last night

she said " I know its you you dipshit and stop making those ghost noises"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7szgi0/tried_to_woo_my_girlfriend_last_night/
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A man's car breaks down on the side of the road...

Because he's out in the middle of nowhere and his car seems beyond all hope, he begins to walk. After just a few miles he seems a discarded bottle that looks too fancy to just be litter. He picks it up and rubs the dirt off of it and suddenly a genie appears.
The genie promises to grant him three wishes. After getting over his initial shock, the man decides to be practical.
"I wish for the best car in the world, it works properly and will never break down."
"Done."
Says the genie. A car appears right next to the man.
"Great!" The guy says, "Now I wish to be obscenely rich, with a million of -my own- dollars stashed in the trunk of my new car."
"Done." Says the genie. The man opens the trunk and sure enough he's looking at a million dollars in cash.
After those wishes, though, the man realizes he doesn't need anything else. He has a means to get home now and enough money to take care of himself.
"I think..." the man says, "I'll save the last wish for my wife."
"Very well." Says the genie.
The man puts the bottle in the passenger seat, climbs in the car, and starts driving home. On his way, he decides to turn on the radio, and a commercial is playing for Oscar Mayer.
Unable to resist the guy starts belting out the song.
"Oh I wish I were an Oscar Mayer weiner---"
"Done." Says the genie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7szcnh/a_mans_car_breaks_down_on_the_side_of_the_road/
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Seize the means of production

Or as we say in America, "Grab 'em by the pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sz98r/seize_the_means_of_production/
%
Why are black people so tall?

Their knee grows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sz955/why_are_black_people_so_tall/
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Names are weird. How do you get Billie from William? How do you get Chuck from Charles? How do you get dick from Richard?

You ask nicely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sz86x/names_are_weird_how_do_you_get_billie_from/
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What is a neckbeard's favorite food?

Marm'lady.
(tips fedora)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sz4qd/what_is_a_neckbeards_favorite_food/
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The horny rooster.

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried. Next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, and even the cow. Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster’s limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, “Shhhh!, they are about to land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sz2hh/the_horny_rooster/
%
I used to hate facial hair

But now it’s grown on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sz0r3/i_used_to_hate_facial_hair/
%
On the first day in a Ukrainian school, the teacher introduces herself to the children.

"My name is Marivanna and I am Ukrainian," she says. "Now introduce yourselves, children."
A young boy stands up and says, "My name is Taras and I am Ukrainian."
Next, a young girl stands up and says, "My name is Oksana and I am Ukrainian."
Another lad stands up and says, "My name is Vovochka and I am Russian."
"Why are you Russian, Vovochka?" asks the teacher.
"Well, my mom is Russian and my dad is Russian, so that makes me Russian." says the boy.
The teacher then asks, "Well, what if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?"
"Then I'd be Ukrainian" says Vovochka smiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sz005/on_the_first_day_in_a_ukrainian_school_the/
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I once joined a forum for people with down syndrome.

The comments were disabled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7syyau/i_once_joined_a_forum_for_people_with_down/
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How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7syw3d/how_much_does_it_cost_a_pirate_to_get_his_ears/
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A propeller is a big fan

A jet's propeller is basically just a big fan to cool down the pilot. Once it stops spinning, you can see him start sweating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7syt1z/a_propeller_is_a_big_fan/
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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7syrrq/guy_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_we/
%
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sypx7/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
%
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

a Yamahahahaha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7syom2/what_do_you_call_a_laughing_motorcycle/
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What do you Call A Man With A Rubber Toe?

Roberto!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7synxq/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_rubber_toe/
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A woman was shot 3 times while pregnent with triplets.

She and her babies survived. 14 years later, her daughter comes to her and says "mom I peed out a bullet." The mother was shocked to hear such a thing. A few hours later, her other daughter comes to her and says she also peed out a bullet. Sure enough there was another bullet in the toilet.
Her son then comes to her the next day, frantically saying "Mom! Guess what!"
"You peed out a bullet, didn't you?"
"No, I was jacking off and shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sym8h/a_woman_was_shot_3_times_while_pregnent_with/
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What’s the difference between bucks and fawns?

Your mom won’t get on her knees for five fawns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7syjz1/whats_the_difference_between_bucks_and_fawns/
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Someone said they'd attack me with the neck of their guitar...

"Is that a fret?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7syg3q/someone_said_theyd_attack_me_with_the_neck_of/
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Bank of America is now charging a fee to use the bathroom

Shits expensive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7syg0b/bank_of_america_is_now_charging_a_fee_to_use_the/
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Did you know that the best leaders are born and bred in the capital of Taiwan?

They all have Taipei personalities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7syfsi/did_you_know_that_the_best_leaders_are_born_and/
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WHAT DO GIRLS AND NOODLES HAVE IN COMMON?

THEY BOTH WIGGLE WHEN YOU EAT THEM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7syfgo/what_do_girls_and_noodles_have_in_common/
%
Two Condoms walk past a gay bar,

One turns to the other and says:
"You wanna go in and get shit faced?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7syfbt/two_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
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A rather drunk lieutenant formed up the platoon:

"Soldiers, why is the formation so crooked?"
"Because the Earth is round!" - someone called out.
"Who said that?"
"Galileo."
"Galileo, step forward!"
"But he has died long ago!"
"So then?! People here are dying, and no one is reporting this to me?"
*Joke was translated from Bulgarian*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7syctx/a_rather_drunk_lieutenant_formed_up_the_platoon/
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What do you call it when Al Gore dances?

An algorithm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7syb72/what_do_you_call_it_when_al_gore_dances/
%
A guy walks in to a bar...

A guy walks in to a bar and has a couple drinks. After about a half an hour, the bartender notices that the guy must be shitfaced. The guy is resting his head on his hand and mumbling to himself.
The bartender confronts the guy. "Listen buddy," he says, "I have to cut you off."
"What?" the guy says, "I'm not drunk."
"Dude, you're talking to your hand!" the bartender replies.
"Nah," says the guy. "I have a cell phone built in to my hand. Listen."
The guy puts his hand to the bartenders ear, and the bartender is shocked to hear a voice.
The bartender apologizes and gives the guy another drink. A few minutes later, the guy gets up and goes to the bathroom. He's gone a while. After about 20 minutes, the guy still hasnt come out of the bathroom. So the bartender goes to check.
When he opens the bathroom door, the guy is bent over the sink, pants down, with a wad of paper towels shoved up his ass.
The bartender goes, "What the hell!"
"Calm down," says the guy, "I'm just expexting a fax."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sy90g/a_guy_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States

and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sy5c0/two_immigrants_from_africa_arrive_in_the_united/
%
A guy comes home from work and his wife says..

“ You better go speak to our son, he’s been caught having sex with a teacher”
He rushes up stairs and starts to scream at his Son.
Once his wife goes away he says “ Well done Son proud of you i was 18 when i lost my virginity, you know what am going to do for you, Am going to buy you that bike you’ve always wanted”
His son turns round and says “ Better leave it a few weeks Dad my arse is still sore “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sxyfl/a_guy_comes_home_from_work_and_his_wife_says/
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb

?
Just one. They’re fiercely efficient and not really given to jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sxxa5/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
In Spanish, why are computers "la computadora" and not "el computadoro"?

Because they think they know everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sxw64/in_spanish_why_are_computers_la_computadora_and/
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Why are noble gases the worst audience members for a comedic performance?

They don't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sxspv/why_are_noble_gases_the_worst_audience_members/
%
Why is the sewer such a happening place?

It's where shit goes down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sxriy/why_is_the_sewer_such_a_happening_place/
%
I was told to live my life as though every moment is my last moment on the Earth

But my family and friends were annoyed with my constant panicked screaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sxq3n/i_was_told_to_live_my_life_as_though_every_moment/
%
I'm writing a book called "Stop Overreacting".

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sxo2x/im_writing_a_book_called_stop_overreacting/
%
If 666 is Evil...

Is 25,80697580112788 the root of Evil?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sxgmt/if_666_is_evil/
%
What do you call a vegan who gives blow jobs?

A fuckin' liar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sxfb8/what_do_you_call_a_vegan_who_gives_blow_jobs/
%
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sxbr7/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
%
An Italian, a Mexican and a Newfie...

are working steel on a high rise 30 stories up in the air. At lunch time they all sit down on one of the beams and open their lunch pails. The Italian opens his and says "Mama mia not pizza again! If I get pizza one more time I swear I'm going to jump to my death.
Next the Mexican opens his lunch "Not tacos again! Man if I get tacos one more time I swear I'm going to jump to my death!"
Finally the Newfie opens his lunch. "Oh lord a bologna sandwich again! If I get one more bologna sandwich I'm also going to jump to my death."
So the next day at lunch time the Italian opens his lunch to find a slice of pizza. "That does it!" he exclaims and jumps off the beam to his death.
Next the Mexican opens his lunch and sure enough it's tacos. "That does it!" he also cries out and jumps to his death.
Finally the Newfie opens his lunch and wouldn't you know it a bologna sandwich. "That does it!" and he jumps off the beam to his death.
A few days later the 3 widows of the deceased men are standing around at the funerals chatting.
"I wish he would have said something" said the Italian wife. "I would have made him something different for lunch."
The Mexican wife agreed. "I know, my husband never once complained about the lunches I made him. I wish he would have told me how much he hated tacos".
"Ya I don't understand it either" said the Newfie's wife. "My husband made his own lunches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sx9tf/an_italian_a_mexican_and_a_newfie/
%
A woman walks into the dry cleaners...

Clerk: Hello ma'am, what can we do for you?
Woman: I would like to drop off my coat.
Clerk: Ok, what would you like us to do with it?
Woman: I would like you to get the stain out of the collar area.
Clerk: Come again?
Woman: No, it's mustard this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sx90y/a_woman_walks_into_the_dry_cleaners/
%
I thought r/blind would’ve been an interesting subreddit

But there was nothing to see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sx8x7/i_thought_rblind_wouldve_been_an_interesting/
%
Yesterday, my girl made my whole day

Today, I made her hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sx81l/yesterday_my_girl_made_my_whole_day/
%
God is like my dad

He's somewhere out there.... probably

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sx6mp/god_is_like_my_dad/
%
What’s the difference?

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sx273/whats_the_difference/
%
You've gotta hand it to short people...

... because most of the time they can't reach it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7swxfo/youve_gotta_hand_it_to_short_people/
%
My carbon monoxide detector keeps beeping

It's really giving me a headache

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7swx46/my_carbon_monoxide_detector_keeps_beeping/
%
Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7swviz/apparently_north_korea_now_has_a_missile_that_can/
%
A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available
The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."
The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was pointing. Then he says "I'm impressed! I really *can* see your house from here! In fact, I even can tell that there are a man and a woman both naked on the balcony."
The shop owner, realising what was going on, says "Tell you what: You can keep this scope free of charge, if you shoot my wife in the head and that guy in the dick." And as he says it, he hands over two bullets to the marksman.
The marksman replies "I think I'll only need one, though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7swve0/a_marksman_walks_into_a_weapons_store_looking_to/
%
Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won’t touch anything that isn’t 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7swtl1/why_are_jewish_men_circumcised/
%
I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7swlxg/i_suspected_my_friend_of_using_my_carpentry_tools/
%
Subway

A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7swku2/subway/
%
What's the hardest part about reading a Veterinarian book?

Putting it down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7swjof/whats_the_hardest_part_about_reading_a/
%
Why do melons hold the traditional ceremony of marriage in such high regard?

Because they can't elope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7swf1n/why_do_melons_hold_the_traditional_ceremony_of/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Nothing. She just gaged a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7swe0l/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Waiter, this coffee taste like mud!

Yes sir, it's fresh ground!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7swdcd/waiter_this_coffee_taste_like_mud/
%
I read a news article about a woman with 12 boobs

Seems pretty interesting, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7swa6e/i_read_a_news_article_about_a_woman_with_12_boobs/
%
What do you call a son of Zeus with a bad cold?

A Phlegmigod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sw9mj/what_do_you_call_a_son_of_zeus_with_a_bad_cold/
%
Don't fart inside an Apple Store

They don't have Windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sw8ip/dont_fart_inside_an_apple_store/
%
My buddy asked me if we’d fall out if the plane door opened.

‘Nah, we’ll still be friends’, I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sw7cj/my_buddy_asked_me_if_wed_fall_out_if_the_plane/
%
I told my wife, "we can have sex or go see Star Wars", she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But, she pulled some strings and got me in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sw61w/i_told_my_wife_we_can_have_sex_or_go_see_star/
%
A young couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sw3ee/a_young_couple_is_in_church_the_wife_says_to_the/
%
Why does Mr. Pibb come in bottles?

Cause Mrs. Pibb left him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sw1mb/why_does_mr_pibb_come_in_bottles/
%
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sw1eh/which_sexual_position_produces_the_ugliest/
%
I told my girlfriend I wanted to have sex on a car...

She said okay but only on her own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svzav/i_told_my_girlfriend_i_wanted_to_have_sex_on_a_car/
%
I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svxdy/i_received_a_call_from_the_school_telling_me_my/
%
www.conjunctivitis.com

That's a site for sore eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svv59/wwwconjunctivitiscom/
%
I used to run a lot on the treadmill and contemplate my future

I was going nowhere fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svtnu/i_used_to_run_a_lot_on_the_treadmill_and/
%
How do you describe all of Russian history?

But then it got worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svrpe/how_do_you_describe_all_of_russian_history/
%
I once took an elective on Communism in History

I got full Marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svqqy/i_once_took_an_elective_on_communism_in_history/
%
Having a duck orgy at my house...

If anyone wants to come on down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svqi6/having_a_duck_orgy_at_my_house/
%
Talking about gender is like talking about the twintowers...

Once there were two and now its a sensitive topic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svq7a/talking_about_gender_is_like_talking_about_the/
%
Husband and wife

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svpry/husband_and_wife/
%
What’s Jesus’s favorite band?

Nine Inch Nails

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svoy0/whats_jesuss_favorite_band/
%
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
---
^^^But, ^^^of ^^^course, ^^^I ^^^can't ^^^tell ^^^you ^^^what ^^^it ^^^is ^^^because ^^^you're ^^^not ^^^a ^^^monk
---
---

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svo3i/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
%
What do you call a funny picture of Charlie Chaplin?

A panto-meme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svl9q/what_do_you_call_a_funny_picture_of_charlie/
%
A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svish/a_man_comes_home_one_day_and_says_guess_what/
%
My dad

I nicknamed my dad “net neutrality” because he’s gone and we don’t talk about him anymore.
Credit: @goodguyfitz (twitter)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svh9c/my_dad/
%
An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"
"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svgwn/an_old_ukrainian_is_cleaning_his_hunting_rifle/
%
How did every joke in the Soviet Union start?

With a glance over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svemb/how_did_every_joke_in_the_soviet_union_start/
%
When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svdjz/when_i_lost_my_pistol_the_army_charged_me_125/
%
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde because she's the only one that's 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7svbov/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all_in_the/
%
Saw a sign in a pet shop window today for a talking centipede, for only $500.00! I thought to myself, "What a bargain!" and I took it home in a little box...

When we got home, I opened it up and asked the centipede if it would like to go down to the bar for a beer, but the centipede didn't answer.
A couple of minutes later, I asked again, but still no response.
I started to get a little ticked off, thinking, maybe this little bugger can't really talk, so I shouted the question again.
Suddenly, the centipede pops his head out of the box and says, "I heard you the first time, you moron, I'm putting my shoes on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sva9n/saw_a_sign_in_a_pet_shop_window_today_for_a/
%
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb in Australia?

Just one cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sv9xq/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Jokes on you

You're now aware of your breathing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sv9c4/jokes_on_you/
%
Why didn't Karl Marx drink Earl Gray?

All proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sv2r9/why_didnt_karl_marx_drink_earl_gray/
%
Why did the blonde snort sweet and low?

Because she thought it was diet coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sv2nx/why_did_the_blonde_snort_sweet_and_low/
%
Some limousine jokes are funny

But most are a bit of a stretch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7suz76/some_limousine_jokes_are_funny/
%
A man asks his wife to tell him something that will make him happy and sad at the same time.

"Well" she says "that's easy."
"You have a much bigger penis than your brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sux96/a_man_asks_his_wife_to_tell_him_something_that/
%
Buy a tie

A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards ‘the object’ only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban fighter asked, “Do you have water?!!?” The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.” The Taliban fighter shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! " “Okay” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom”. Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. "Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7suv3v/buy_a_tie/
%
A man and a woman are sitting together on an airplane

The woman appears to have allergies. She sneezes, and then takes out a tissue. But instead of wiping her nose, she sticks it under her skirt and wipes between her legs.
He is in shock, and can't believe what he just saw. He waits for her to sneeze again, and when she does, same thing. She pulls out a tissue and wipes between her legs. She does it a third time before he explodes:
"Okay lady, what is the deal? Every time you sneeze, you wipe a tissue between your legs. Are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
She says "I apologize sir. But I have this condition where every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm".
"Oh. Are you taking anything to help it?"
"Yes. Pepper".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sutuu/a_man_and_a_woman_are_sitting_together_on_an/
%
[NSFW] I am sexually attracted to pasta

And I am not ashamed of my fettishini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7susly/nsfw_i_am_sexually_attracted_to_pasta/
%
So a snail walks into a car dealership..

He goes up to the dealer and he says, "Alright, I want it cherry red, with white-walls, and leather seats, and I want a *big* 'S' painted on the the side." After he rings it the dealer looks at him and he says "I understand white-walls and leather seats, but why the letter 'S' on the side? "Well" the snail says  "When I drive by in my new car, I want people to say 'look at that S car go!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sun2j/so_a_snail_walks_into_a_car_dealership/
%
This guy lost his luggage, so he went to court.

He apparently lost his case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sul63/this_guy_lost_his_luggage_so_he_went_to_court/
%
I hate when a generation refuses to work and still expect to receive government checks

Those baby boomers in Congress sure are entitled snowflakes
I know the shutdown is done, but I think this joke is funny and I made it up myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sui4m/i_hate_when_a_generation_refuses_to_work_and/
%
How did the linguistics professor punish the late student?

He gave him a harsh sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sufx7/how_did_the_linguistics_professor_punish_the_late/
%
back in my day we use to drink bleach straight

boy have the tides turned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sufjo/back_in_my_day_we_use_to_drink_bleach_straight/
%
[long] A man comes home from the bar everynight and...

shits his pants while sleeping. His wife says to him, "One of these nights you're going to come home and shit your guts out."
The husband dismisses her with a wave and falls to sleep.
The next night he comes home drunk as a skunk, and proceeds to pass out on the couch before he could head off to bed. And sure enough he shat his pants again. Seeing this the wife gets a brilliant idea. In the kitchen there were some chiterlings (pig intestines) that she was going to cook. But instead gets the idea to pull her husband's pants down, and dump the bucket between his legs, and pull his pants back up. Satisfied she heads back upstairs to go to sleep.
The next morning she comes downstairs to see her husband with a horrified look on his face.
"Honey. You were right! I did shit my guts out! But with the handle of a wooden spoon and a little effort, I was able to get everything back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sue5h/long_a_man_comes_home_from_the_bar_everynight_and/
%
I could not be a children's doctor.

I would lose my patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sudqe/i_could_not_be_a_childrens_doctor/
%
A guy ate at a restaurant.

He noticed that the waiter's thumb was touching the soup when he brought the appetizer to the table.
"Excuse me. Half of your thumb was in my soup."
"Oh I am sorry!"
As the guy was enjoying the soup, the waiter brought out the main course. Again,  his thumb was sticking in the food.
"Didn't I ask that you leave your thumb out of my food?"
"I am sorry sir! I have a medical condition on my thumb and the doctor recommended that I keep it warm all the time."
Really annoyed, the guy said, "you know what, I have a recommendation for you. Why don't you stick the thumb in your fucking warm ass instead?"
"Oh yes sir. That's what I do when I am not holding plate."
Note: saw this joke at least 10 years ago from a book. Still think it's pretty funny so wanted to share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sud6h/a_guy_ate_at_a_restaurant/
%
A women enters a bus carrying her baby

As she passes the driver, he remarks, "that's the ugliest baby I have ever seen."
The woman is understandably angry but sits down anyway near the back of the bus. As she sits there, fuming, a man sitting next to her notices and asks, "what's wrong?"
"The bus driver was very insulting to me. I feel very disrespected. He should be fired for such behavior!"
The man says, "I agree. He shouldn't be allowed to talk that way. you should go back up there and give him a piece of your mind. Here, I'll hold the monkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7su9ah/a_women_enters_a_bus_carrying_her_baby/
%
Being a good Death Row guard takes a lot things

but it really comes down to the execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7su2ym/being_a_good_death_row_guard_takes_a_lot_things/
%
A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara

on a camel. On the third day, the camel dies with little warning. As they dust themselves off, the nun and priest appraise their situation.
After a long silence, the priest states: 'Well, sister, this looks to be pretty serious.' 'I know, father. As a matter of fact, I don't think it's likely for us to survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree' affirms the priest.
'Sister, since we likely won't escape here alive, could you do something for me?'
'Anything, father.'
'I haven't seen breasts and I was wondering if I could see yours.'
'Well... under these circumstances, I don't see anything bad in it...'
The nun undresses and the priests was content, commenting on their beauty: 'Sister, do you mind if I touch them?'
She agrees, so the priest feels them up for several minutes. 'Father, may I ask you something?'
'Certainly!'
'I haven't seen a penis. Can I see yours?'
'I think it would be alright' responds the priest, lifting his robe.
'Oh, father, can I touch it?'
The priest agrees and after a few minutes of fondling he finds himself with a pretty serious erection.
'You know, sister, if I introduce my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is this true, father?!'
'Yes, it is, sister.'
'Oh, father, that's wonderful! Then stick it in that camel so we can get the fuck out of here!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7stzv9/a_nun_and_a_priest_are_crossing_the_sahara/
%
What type of overalls does Super Mario wear?

Denimdenimdenim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7stztb/what_type_of_overalls_does_super_mario_wear/
%
Crippled people jokes aren’t funny

Can’t stand them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7stzon/crippled_people_jokes_arent_funny/
%
What do you call a webpage that helps your eyes feel better?

A site for sore eyes!
My dad made this up and wanted me to post it lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7styfo/what_do_you_call_a_webpage_that_helps_your_eyes/
%
A monkey is sitting in a tree

, smoking a  joint. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! Wats up? The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come..join me"
Both Have few joints together. After a while  the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink  from the river.
At the riverbank,  the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A  Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to  the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”  The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree,  smoking a joint with the monkey and  his  mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a  drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he  has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where  the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey,  MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. How much water did you drink????

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7stwl8/a_monkey_is_sitting_in_a_tree/
%
Working at home sucks...

...if you are a firefighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7stqlz/working_at_home_sucks/
%
5 things I hate in lists

1) Missing entries
2) Repeated entries
4) Repeated entries
5) Incomple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7stocp/5_things_i_hate_in_lists/
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Two trees in the forest are having a debate.

There's a sapling between them, and they're arguing over whose it is. The first tree says "It's a son of a beech." Second tree retorts "No way, it's a son of a birch!" Back and forth they go, until a woodpecker comes along and asks what all the fuss is about. They explain and he agrees to help, so he drops down to the sapling and drills it for a minute. The two trees get impatient, and say "Well, which is it, a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The woodpecker answers "Neither, but it's the nicest lil piece of ash I ever got my pecker into!"
Stolen from /u/SleepsInSun because it made me giggle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7stn1h/two_trees_in_the_forest_are_having_a_debate/
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Good ol' Peter Pan Jokes

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7stkl0/good_ol_peter_pan_jokes/
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Imagine coming home to your girl in bed, you tell her joke.....

Then boom, the man under the bed starts laughing too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7stic5/imagine_coming_home_to_your_girl_in_bed_you_tell/
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An Egyptian guy and I were hanging out one day...

We both farted at the same time. We have a toot-n-common

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sti0s/an_egyptian_guy_and_i_were_hanging_out_one_day/
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A Sailor walks into a bar

A sailor walks into a bar owned by a old Marine. The Marine has a monkey behind the bar. Sailor asks what's with the monkey? Marine laughs and says watch this shit. Smacks the monkey on the head 4 times and it blows him. The Marine asks the sailor if he wants to try it? The sailor said sure but don’t hit me that hard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7stfj0/a_sailor_walks_into_a_bar/
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Larry Nassar would have gotten away with it....

if it weren't for those medaling kids!
Showerthoughts removed my original, so going for gold here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7stbzc/larry_nassar_would_have_gotten_away_with_it/
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The midget strip club down the street is hiring.

They must be short staffed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sszy9/the_midget_strip_club_down_the_street_is_hiring/
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A group of Hells Angels...

A group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ssycl/a_group_of_hells_angels/
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How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking?

Slow down and apply lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ssxx5/how_do_you_get_your_girlfriend_to_stop_smoking/
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A highly successful Manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man
"Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.
"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree".
"Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the manager answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.
One of the poor fellows turned to the Manager and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ssutg/a_highly_successful_manager_was_going_home_in_his/
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Why are women bad at parking?

Because men have told them that this (*holds thumb and index finger 2 inches apart*) is 8 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ssumc/why_are_women_bad_at_parking/
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How thicc is the Earth?

Thicc with seven c's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ssu30/how_thicc_is_the_earth/
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What is a police officers favorite console for game playing?

Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sssjq/what_is_a_police_officers_favorite_console_for/
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Why did Logan Paul return to Youtube?

He didn't want to leave his fans hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ssdcz/why_did_logan_paul_return_to_youtube/
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My girlfriend told me that having a small dick was not a problem

But I dunno... I kind of wish she didn't have one at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ssd6m/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_having_a_small_dick/
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Most avid climbers agree that small mountains are jokes.

They think they're just hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ss5va/most_avid_climbers_agree_that_small_mountains_are/
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I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ss07x/i_met_a_north_african_girl_the_other_night_we/
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I heard Steve Irwin now has his own tribute sunscreen...

It's supposed to block the rays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7srtlf/i_heard_steve_irwin_now_has_his_own_tribute/
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Truth will set you free.

A boss had an affair for the first time with his secretary. They spent time in his office till late at night. They had wild sex and when they were done, the secretary turned to him and said, it is late and you are all messed up, your wife will take one look at you and realize what we did.
Don't worry he said, I got this...
So the man got home. He did nothing to fix himself up. Only thing, He went to the grass and rubbed his shoes into the grass. Disheveled. Smelling perfume  and lipstick all over he went and knocked on the door.
His wife opened the door to see him disheveled, smelling like perfume, lipstick all over.  Before she opened her mouth, he said...
"Now before you say anything, I have to tell you that I was late because I just had an affair with my secretary. We made love for two hours and she kissed me all over that is why I have lipstick all over. Also that is why I have perfume smell all over..
So the wife took one look at him, and screamed... You Bastard! You expect me to believe such a story?!  Look at your shoes, you have been playing golf again with your friends and got some waitress to kiss and leave a lipstick print on your shirt and rub all over you to smell like perfume, so you can come to lie to me. Get inside and clean yourself up! And let this be the last time you go golfing with your friends again... and I don't want to hear a peep from you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7srna7/truth_will_set_you_free/
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A jewish man walks down the street

He is approached by a native american man who aggresively states
"Your people stole my land!" The jew, knowing that this is incorrect, defends himself.
"i'm not white, i'm jewish, you see," he began, "My family fled here from germany in 1943", but was cut short by the native american.
"My house was taken by the bank"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sreq2/a_jewish_man_walks_down_the_street/
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I told my son I was named after Socrates, but he didn't believe me because my name is Jim...

Well, I wasn't named before Socrates!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7srd6o/i_told_my_son_i_was_named_after_socrates_but_he/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

always getting my name wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7srcow/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked his problem out with a pencil. A number 2 pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7srbit/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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My government isn't working

Phone Agent: Okay, have you tried turning it off and then back on?
Schumer: It didn't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sr3s4/my_government_isnt_working/
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Everyone in Texas thinks Texas is great...

But on a scale from awful to great Texas is just below OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sr3s0/everyone_in_texas_thinks_texas_is_great/
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A drunk is sitting in the corner of a bar on the 10th floor,

Drinking happily when he notices this odd fellow walk up to the bar.  He says something to the barkeep and is then served a shot. He downs the shot, slams the glass on the bar, walks over to the window, opens it up, and jumps out.
The drunk sitting in the corner shakes his head and continues to drink. 5 minutes later the same strange fellow walks in the door, walks up to the bar, gets his shot, downs it, and out the window he goes.  This time the drunk gets up and runs to the window, looks out and sees nothing, no body, no chaos. Shaking his head in disbelief he heads back to his seat and takes it all in.  Sure enough, 5 minutes later the same strange fellow walks in again. This time the drunk runs up and meets him at the bar. He says "I don't get it, you down a shot and jump out the window and live!? How?".  The man turns to him and says "this bar serves this amazing mix that makes you so light you can just float to the ground. It's a hell of an experience. I'll order you one". So the drunk downs the shot, walks over to the window, climbs out and plummets to his death. The barkeep turns to the strange fellow and says "you know superman, your a real ass when you're drunk! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sr1fx/a_drunk_is_sitting_in_the_corner_of_a_bar_on_the/
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A sandwich walks into a bar

and asks the bartender for a drink.
Bartender: "sorry we don't serve food here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sqw5x/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why can't they make CSI: Alabama?

Because all the DNA is the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sqvwj/why_cant_they_make_csi_alabama/
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I was addicted to Tide Pods

I'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sqv3b/i_was_addicted_to_tide_pods/
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called France today....

it was occupied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sqnxb/called_france_today/
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A guy is drinking in a bar...

After his last drink, he tries to stand up and falls. He starts crawling out of the bar.
He crawls out of the bar, he crawls in the street, trying to hold on to something, but each time he falls and he just keeps crawling home.
He crawls up his stairs, he crawls to his bedroom, and finally he crawls into his bed next to his wife.
The morning after, he wakes up to find his wife looking pissed off.
"Did you get wasted last night ? Again ?"
" No no no sweetie, what makes you say that ?"
" The bartender called, you forgot your f***ing weelchair there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sqmqs/a_guy_is_drinking_in_a_bar/
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Only two things are guaranteed in life...

Reposts and people who bitch about reposts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sqf50/only_two_things_are_guaranteed_in_life/
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I like my coffee like I like slaves...

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sqd6w/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_slaves/
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Just one minute

A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he
might have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical examination and
listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a
banana and a cookie with you" said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns the
next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor says "Okay, now drop
your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his pants
and bends over. The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion
rams it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consults
his watch, our hero dances around the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the
treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm" advises doc.
Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies with
the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor takes the cookie and
rams it up the patients ass.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring
another banana and a cookie" says the doctor. The now humbled patient,
with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his head.
Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana,
waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie.
And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP goes a
banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie.
After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says "Well,
tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a
banana and a hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what
a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer" confirmed the
doctor.
The last day the doctor says "Okay, you know the routine". So the man
drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana, and the doctor
looks at his watch and picks up the hammer. One minute passes. Then
two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass. Then a little head pokes out
the patient's ass and says "WHERE'S MY FUCKING COOKIE!?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sq7ld/just_one_minute/
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A couple goes out to eat at a fancy restaurant

They sit down and the waiter comes to the table to greet them. They both order a bowl of soup and it comes out quickly. A few minutes in, the woman drops her spoon on the floor. Her husband flags down the waiter to get another spoon and he pulls a spoon, neatly wrapped in a cloth, out of his shirt pocket and hands it to the woman. Surprised, she asks, "Why did you have that in your pocket?" The waiter replies, "We had a performance analyst come into the restaurant a while back and he told us that when a customer drops something, seven times out of ten it's a spoon. He suggested that we all start carrying spoons to increase speed and efficiency." That made good enough sense for the couple so they thank the waiter and finish their soup. Fifteen minutes later, as the waiter walks by the table the couple notices a small string hanging from his fly. Curiosity getting the better of them, they stop him and ask what it's for. "Well, the performance analyst  told the men that if we tied strings to our zippers, we could pull them down when we need to use the bathroom without touching...um...anything. That way we save time by not needing to wash our hands afterward. The wife thinks this makes sense, but the husband asks, "But how do you get your dick back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies, "I don't know about the other workers but I use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sq4mo/a_couple_goes_out_to_eat_at_a_fancy_restaurant/
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How do they make music in Mordor?

With an Orchestra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sq1w7/how_do_they_make_music_in_mordor/
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Norwegian Virgin Wedding

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay.
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put it in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next veek, but leave it on dere as long as you can.
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said, "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied, "Look at dis Lena. Still in DA CRATE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sq0om/norwegian_virgin_wedding/
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How do you recycle a condom?

when you take it off you shake the fuck out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7spzq5/how_do_you_recycle_a_condom/
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Did you hear that the new Nintendo Switch controllers were a scam?

Turns out that they were a joy con.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7spyf4/did_you_hear_that_the_new_nintendo_switch/
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Are you a tide pod?

Because you’re lookin’ like a snack but you’re really just toxic to everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7spwfq/are_you_a_tide_pod/
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What's a mafia members favorite game?

Whack-A-Mole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7spuuu/whats_a_mafia_members_favorite_game/
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A Boy Scout decided to start a business fixing horns on cars and trucks…

He called it "Beep Repaired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7spr92/a_boy_scout_decided_to_start_a_business_fixing/
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Headache

Guy gets home from the bar and he wants some sexy time but he finds his wife asleep. So he proceeds to go to the bathroom and makes a lot of noise rummaging the medicine cabinet. The wife wakes up.
Wife: What's with the noise?
Husband: just open up your mouth.
She opens up jet mouth and he proceeds to shoot two pills into her mouth.
Wife: what was that?
Husband: two ibuprofen for your headache.
Wife: but I don't have a headache.
Husband: that's what I wanted to hear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7spp4k/headache/
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I'm starting a charity for PhD students so they can finally afford to live on their own without the need for roommates...

It's called "Doctors without Boarders."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7spnyd/im_starting_a_charity_for_phd_students_so_they/
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An old withered rope walks into a bar...

The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve your type. Get the hell out."
The rope leaves the bar, ties himself in half, then walks in the next day.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, aren't you that rope I told to get the hell out of here yesterday?"
The rope replies, "I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7spltj/an_old_withered_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man absolutely hated his girlfriend's cat

and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his girlfrien: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the girlfriend answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7spjn4/a_man_absolutely_hated_his_girlfriends_cat/
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A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.

His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7spffz/a_groom_waits_at_the_altar_with_a_huge_smile_on/
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What do you call it when Shrek falls off a boat?

Ogreboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7spdeh/what_do_you_call_it_when_shrek_falls_off_a_boat/
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My wife and I were laughing about how competitive we are...

but I laughed harder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7spaoo/my_wife_and_i_were_laughing_about_how_competitive/
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How do you get holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7spaea/how_do_you_get_holy_water/
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What did the 0 say to the 8?

"Nice belt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sp4ht/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
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A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks-one in each hand and one under his left arm.

He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation.
"What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks. "Huey," answers the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender.
Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?". "Dewey," comes the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck,
"My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sp4dh/a_guy_walks_into_a_quiet_bar_carrying_three/
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A man gets married and his mother-in-law moves in

One day, the husband comes home and finds the mother-in-law passed out on the floor with an empty jar of pills near her. He rushes her to the hospital. After a few hours of anxiously waiting, the doctor returns with her results.
“Alright, I have some good news and I’ve got some bad news”, says the doctor. The man asks to start with the bad news.
“First of all, your mother-in-law is not going to die. She will probably live for about 20-30 more years. She suffered from a major stroke and unfortunately has some pretty bad side effects from it”
The man prepares himself for the worst.
“The stroke somehow ruined her ability to speak so she makes a loud screeching noise like a parrot. She will need to be under constant supervision. Her motor functions have also taken a hit so she will not be able to perform certain tasks like bathing and eating, so you and your wife will have to give her a bath and feed her everyday for the next 20-30 years.”
The man is hoping that is all the doctor has to say...
“She also has a form of incontinence so she will have to wear a diaper that you and your wife will have to change for the next 20-30 years. I’m really sorry, this must be a lot to process”
The man, beginning to tear up, asks for the long-awaited good news
Laughingly, the doctor says, “Nahhhh I’m just messing with you, she died”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sp3pp/a_man_gets_married_and_his_motherinlaw_moves_in/
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A man gets pulled over for speeding

When the officer approaches his vehicle he tells the man "sir, it's been a long day, and I'm ready to go home. If you can give me a good reason as to why you were speeding I might let you go without a ticket."
The man looks at him and says "well officer, years ago my wife left me for a state trooper, and when I saw you coming for me, I thought you were bringing her back.
Officer says "Have a nice day sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sp1k6/a_man_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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What do you call a dog that’s great at magic?

A labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sp0oq/what_do_you_call_a_dog_thats_great_at_magic/
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And God said to John, come forth and receive eternal life...

But he came fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sov64/and_god_said_to_john_come_forth_and_receive/
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Where is the best place to hide if you are running from the police

Rick astleys house he's never gonna give you up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7souf9/where_is_the_best_place_to_hide_if_you_are/
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How to explain life

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7soref/how_to_explain_life/
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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks:

"Some asshole got my pen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7somqm/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
%
Pediatricians...

have very little patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sommo/pediatricians/
%
Two cannibals are eating Jeff Dunham.

One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny?"
The other cannibal says "No".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7solpc/two_cannibals_are_eating_jeff_dunham/
%
Reddit uses 'circlejerk' as a negative.

But they are actually loads and loads of fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sokgl/reddit_uses_circlejerk_as_a_negative/
%
My Wife Threw My Out of the House

Guy walks into a bar staggering drunk and sobbing.
"What's wrong asks the bartender?"
My wife threw me out of the house and now she never wants to see me again," says the guy.
The bartender hands a cup of Joe to the poor guy and says, "Tell me the whole story. It can't be all that bad and I'm sure she'll cool off and take you back in a couple of days."
"Well, I doubt it," says the guy.  "I came home last night and I was blind drunk, again, and the wife threw me out -- for the first time -- and told me to 'sober up' before I came back.  So I went in the backyard and was sitting there at the picnic table when I blew chunks.  And that was it.  My wife saw me and she yelled out the window that it was over, she was locking the doors, never wanted to see me again, she was going to get a divorce and that I should leave immediately before she called the cops."
"That's it"? asked the bartender.  "You threw up -- blew chunks -- in your own backyard and now your wife wants a divorce?  That seems so unfair and, frankly like a bit of an overreaction."
The guy, sobbing uncontrollably by now, tears running down his face and his voice trembling says..."You, you, you d...don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7soid6/my_wife_threw_my_out_of_the_house/
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‪If I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan...

Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat. ‬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sogrk/if_i_were_to_be_stranded_on_an_island_with_anyone/
%
OMG! We have another teen that took the "Tide Challenge"!

Quick, call the podiatrist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sogqn/omg_we_have_another_teen_that_took_the_tide/
%
I'm gonna start a company that makes medium sized pickles

Not to brag or anything but it's kind of a big dill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sog73/im_gonna_start_a_company_that_makes_medium_sized/
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3 men die and go to heaven

St. Peter asks them each how they died.
The first guys says, well you know I was driving to work and had this feeling I couldn’t shake that my wife was cheating on me. So I went home and sure enough I open the bedroom door and see a naked man streak past me. In a rage I start looking for him. I see these hands on our window sill and a man hangin out the window.  I grab a pan a smash his hands and he falls 3 stories and the canopy breaks his fall. So I pick up our fridge and throw it out in top of him. In the madness I had a heart attack.
The second guys says, well St. Peter I am a window washer. I fell while washing windows, as I was falling I reached out and grabbed onto a window sill. Then some mad man starts smashing my hands. I fall 3 stories and the canopy breaks my fall. I say thank you Jesus for saving my life. Then a fridge lands on me.
The third guys says. I’m not sure what happened. I was hiding in the fridge and then, boom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sobg1/3_men_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
A man threw milk at me today

How fucking dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7so93b/a_man_threw_milk_at_me_today/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they....lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7so8ex/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
What Rabbi don't you want to visit?

The one with a tip jar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7so5cp/what_rabbi_dont_you_want_to_visit/
%
I was once a man in a woman's body...

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7so4on/i_was_once_a_man_in_a_womans_body/
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The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear.....

Is Sphere Itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7so4ju/the_only_thing_flatearthers_fear/
%
I hate playing football with Satan -

no matter what skills I use, he always has possession.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7snx2y/i_hate_playing_football_with_satan/
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There was a magic lake

and three people went there: German, Russian and English.
The fluid in the lake turned in anything you wanted when you jumped in it.
German man was the first to try it out. When he was running, he shouted "Bier!", jumped in the lake and boom, the whole lake turned into beer.
Next up was Russian. He shouted "Vodka!", jumped and boom, the whole lake turned into vodka.
The Englishman took a really big run-up, but at the edge he slept, and he shouted "Oh shit!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7snwec/there_was_a_magic_lake/
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Why aren't the people eating laundry soap injecting it instead?

Seems like it'd be a little Tidier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7snuaw/why_arent_the_people_eating_laundry_soap/
%
I once toured an mental asylum...

I definitely saw some people who clearly needed to be there and others that seem normal, I asked the asylum doctor/psychologist how they determine if someone is truly 'insane'.
'We fill a bath tub up with water and present the patient with a spoon, tea cup and a bucket. We then ask them to empty the tub of the water.'
'Oh I get it! A sane person would use a bucket because it holds the most water.'
'No, the sane person would pull the plug. Would you like a room with a window?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7snt8n/i_once_toured_an_mental_asylum/
%
What has 4 heads, 5 legs, and 3 arms?

A liar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7snrnj/what_has_4_heads_5_legs_and_3_arms/
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What do you give an apprehensive person with bad breath?

An encourage mint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7snr5c/what_do_you_give_an_apprehensive_person_with_bad/
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My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7snozx/my_grandma_decided_to_start_walking_2_miles_a_day/
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A magician was working on a cruise ship

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show “look, it’s not the same hat”,  or  “look, he’s hiding flowers under the table”, or “ hey, why are all of the cards aces?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captains parrot.
One stormy night on the pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but didn’t utter a word
This went on for a day, then two days, then three days. Finally the parrot couldn’t hold back and said
“Okay I give up, where’s the ship?”
All credit to u/TooShiftyForYou that man is a legend.
God bless you o lord of jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7snim5/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship/
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I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.

She whispered, "They're behind you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sni6t/i_asked_the_librarian_if_they_had_any_books_on/
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sni2n/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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The teacher announces the total for an exam.

Teacher: Okay class, only John got 99/100
John:(to his classmates) Ha! See that?! You people are oozing with stupidity. You people should’ve followed my example. You guys should just shine shoes for a living or just live the rest of your lives as a mountain hermit. You can all drool at my excellence and you-
Teacher: The rest got 100.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7snghq/the_teacher_announces_the_total_for_an_exam/
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If you are turned on by having a chickpea on you...

...does that make you a hummus sexual?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7snaqy/if_you_are_turned_on_by_having_a_chickpea_on_you/
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[NSFW] My ex said she wouldn't have sex with me if we were the two last people on earth...

but who's gonna stop me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7snaog/nsfw_my_ex_said_she_wouldnt_have_sex_with_me_if/
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Why do pornstars never overheat?

Because they keep their fans turned on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sn67q/why_do_pornstars_never_overheat/
%
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sn313/do_you_ever_wake_up_kiss_the_person_sleeping/
%
First computer

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sn2uw/first_computer/
%
Yes

Have you heard about time travel?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7smz97/yes/
%
One last blow job

Some soldiers are deep in enemy lines and life's luck looks like it's about to run out. "Hey fellas before I die, I want one last blow job. Will one of you guys help me out?" The other soldiers are stunned. "No!" "Absolutely not!" "Go jack off or do what ever but we don't want any part of it!!" "Fine, I'll find some one who will." He climbs out of the trench, bullets raining past him as he runs forward into a another trench. Time passes and the soldiers think for sure he must have got hit and was dead, but just then, they see him stick his head out of the trench smoking a cigarette. He jumps out and casually strolls back to them. Once again bullets flying by. He jumps back down in the hole with the soldiers. "What the hell happened to you!?" The soldiers ask. "Fellas you wouldn't believe it. There was a nurse up there in that trench! We had sex in every position you can think of! It was glorious!!" One of the soldiers asks, "Well did you get your blow job then?" "No, I couldn't find her head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7smytm/one_last_blow_job/
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What is the difference between a tribe of Pygmies and a Girls Track Team???

One is a Cunning  bunch of Runts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7smxng/what_is_the_difference_between_a_tribe_of_pygmies/
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Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.
Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the shed to take the bike out for a ride. But as he's about to pick it up, the bike jumps on Jonny and beats him up.
"Why did you do that?" Jonny asks the bicycle.
"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" it replies.
"But that's why i'm here, to take you for a ride"
So Jonny goes to pick up the bike, and again it jumps on him and beats him up.
"What the hell?" says Jonny, "Why'd you beat me up again?"
"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" replies the bicycle.
"But that's what I'm about to do - take you out for a ride," says Jonny.
So again, Jonny goes to pick up the bike, and again, the bike jumps on him and beats him up.
"What the hell man, why'd you keep doing that?" asks Jonny.
"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days", replies the bike.
It's a vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7smwbr/jonnys_grandad_gives_him_a_new_bicycle_for_his/
%
How rich are garbage men?

Filthy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7smtly/how_rich_are_garbage_men/
%
Fact: 50% of Japanese have Cataracts

The other 50% drive Rexus and Chrysrer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7smqkn/fact_50_of_japanese_have_cataracts/
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Jehovah's Witnesses

Jehovahs Witnesses: Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: Of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks, lights dim, PowerPoint presentation begins]]
Me: But first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7smfcx/jehovahs_witnesses/
%
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7smc6h/two_married_buddies_are_out_drinking_one_night/
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What a shit country we live in..

I remember 20years ago, mom would send us with 1$ to the store we would come back with eggs, bread, cheese milk and change..
Today u can't do that anymore, too many secruity cameras

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7smbie/what_a_shit_country_we_live_in/
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Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.

It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sm9a4/donald_trump_is_introducing_a_30_tax_on_shredded/
%
A husband and wife have grown old together.

He comes home to see his wife naked, standing on her hands.
He asks why shes in such a position
She responds "Well, we both know you can't get it up anymore, how about you try dropping it in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sm7bv/a_husband_and_wife_have_grown_old_together/
%
What is the bird of peace?

Dove.
What is the bird of prey?
Eagle
What is the bird of oral sex?
Swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sm2bb/what_is_the_bird_of_peace/
%
A man goes to his girlfriends house for dinner..

The father invites him in. He sits down at the table, and starts eating. The family dog is sitting quietly under the table..
While eating, he feels the urge to pass gas.
Thinking he can do it silently, he decides to do it at the table.
"BRAAAAAPP" The sound of it echoes in the dining room.
Before the man can say anything, The father yells "Hey dog! Get out from under the fucking table!"
The man, now thinking he can fart freely, farts again, loudly.
The father, again yells: "Hey dog, I told ya get out from under the fucking table!"
The man's now thinking: "This is Great!  Thanks to this dog no one will ever suspect a thing!"
They continue eating, making casual conversation, until the man feels the urge to fart yet again.
"BRAAAAAPP"
The father yells: "Hey, Dog! I said get out from under the fucking table before he shits all over you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7slzcx/a_man_goes_to_his_girlfriends_house_for_dinner/
%
A pretty girl goes to the doctor..

A pretty girl in her early twenties went to the doctor.
"What seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked.
Flustered and shy the girl replied "I have some pain urinating and there seems to be a constant itch down there."
"Alright, please take off your pants and panties and lie down on the bench."
She complied and did what she was told.
"Now spread your legs." The doctor said, who was standing on the other side of the room.
The beautiful young lady spread her legs.
The doctor then went to the corner of the room and grabbed a huge pole, about 7' long with a hook on its head.
The girl was overcome by fear and nerves and stammered "Oh, doctor! Wha-What are you going to do?!"
"Oh, just going to open the upper windows to let some fresh air in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7slxs7/a_pretty_girl_goes_to_the_doctor/
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How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she fits into your wife’s clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sluec/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
%
For the past six years I've been trying to find my mother-in-law's killer...

...but nobody wants the job.
(Courtesy of Steve Pemberton & Reece Shearsmith)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sltsd/for_the_past_six_years_ive_been_trying_to_find_my/
%
How do you get your shit together?

You go on a high-fibre diet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sljms/how_do_you_get_your_shit_together/
%
What are the two most important holes in a woman's body?

No, it's not them you dirty bastards - it's her nostrils...
They allow her to breathe while she is sucking your cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7slgh5/what_are_the_two_most_important_holes_in_a_womans/
%
I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sle9a/i_went_to_fill_up_my_tires_and_it_cost_a_dollar/
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A horse walks into a bar

The bartender asks "why...". The horse interrupts by "my boss called me a neighsayer in front of the whole company".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sl8j5/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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I had a joke about an ice pole...

But I couldn't put my tongue on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sl7mh/i_had_a_joke_about_an_ice_pole/
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Don’t give up on your dreams...

Keep sleeping!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sl7ls/dont_give_up_on_your_dreams/
%
You can't hear a pterodactyl in the toilet

Because their p is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sl6ur/you_cant_hear_a_pterodactyl_in_the_toilet/
%
Oh haha reddit is down?

Better check reddit about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sl6tn/oh_haha_reddit_is_down/
%
My girlfriend’s parents are very religious.

The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.
It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sl3rx/my_girlfriends_parents_are_very_religious/
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The wife and the gift frog

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.” "Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs." The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of gorfing cock, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks. "What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skzpt/the_wife_and_the_gift_frog/
%
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says solemnly, ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skz2r/its_the_world_cup_final_and_a_man_makes_his_way/
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Man to His Priest!

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18-year-old girl.”
The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skypb/man_to_his_priest/
%
A few weeks ago I hit a pig on my way home from work...

It was dark. I live in a rural part of the south and my drive home takes me down some country backroads.
I wasn't going very fast but when I hit it it flew down the road a few yards. I went to check on it amd it got up and ran away. Today I got the veterinarian bill from the pigs owner. I went to the address from which the bill was from.
I knocked on the door and this elderly man opened the door. I paid the bill which was about $200. I then asked the old man how he knew it was me.  Turns out the pig squealed on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skybt/a_few_weeks_ago_i_hit_a_pig_on_my_way_home_from/
%
My girlfriend thinks I'm pretentious

She walked in on me reading a book on existential philosophy. She was like "oh my God! Are you for real?" I said "that's what I'm trying to figure out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sksrd/my_girlfriend_thinks_im_pretentious/
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A farmer had three daughters...

...who were ready to go on their first date. The farmer, being very overprotective of his 3 daughters, decided to wait at the front of the door with his shotgun for each date to show up, so that he could decide whether or not they would be okay for his daughter.
The doorbell rang, and the farmer answered the door. The boy said:
"Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flowe. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer decided that he was alright, and he sent his daughter off. Soon after, the doorbell rang again. The boy said:
"My name's Eddy. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti; is she ready?"
The farmer again decided that he was alright, and he sent his next daughter off with the boy. The doorbell rang a third and final time, and he again answered the door. The boy started off:
"Hi, my name's Chuck-"
And the farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sks50/a_farmer_had_three_daughters/
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Don't get scammed like me

Here is a scam....... Be careful!!!
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while at Home Depot. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20 year-olds girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and goes down on you while the other one slips her hand between the seats and steals your wallet...!!
I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also January 1st & 2nd twice on the 8th & 9th, and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each -- I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at target

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skrz0/dont_get_scammed_like_me/
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Why didn’t the number 3 cross the road?

He saw a sign that said no trespassing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skqts/why_didnt_the_number_3_cross_the_road/
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What’s the coldest country in South America?

I don’t know but it’s probably pretty Chile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skpw3/whats_the_coldest_country_in_south_america/
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Ever thought about how the world would be without girls?

It would sure be a pain in the ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skpr4/ever_thought_about_how_the_world_would_be_without/
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

1 in 3,000,000 have a chance of becoming a human being.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skowi/what_do_lawyers_and_sperm_have_in_common/
%
It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.

Especially if you don't know her and she doesn't know that you're eating her popcorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skogz/its_awkward_touching_hands_with_a_woman_in_a/
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How do you know carrots are good for your eyesight?

Well, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sknwv/how_do_you_know_carrots_are_good_for_your_eyesight/
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Did you hear about the dad who told his son if he didn’t stop masturbating he would go blind?

Son said, “Dad, I’m over here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skn1w/did_you_hear_about_the_dad_who_told_his_son_if_he/
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There's an international multi-event competition for military spouses, but the same team wins every year.

The Swiss Army Wives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skmn3/theres_an_international_multievent_competition/
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Want to hear a joke about building homes for charity?

Never mind, it has a long buildup but no real payoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skkpu/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_building_homes_for/
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An Australian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are hiking in the amazon.

an Australian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are hiking in the amazon. they are approached by a group of very angry natives who are appalled that the travellers are hacking through their sacred forrest. they subdue the travellers and take them to the chief. the chief says:
"how dare you cut through our sacred vines. the punishment for this crime is death. when we kill you, we will cut off your skin and we will use it to make a canoe, a canoe that will forever stay on the waters, a warning to any other traveller who dares set foot in our sacred land! you may choose one item to behold before we kill you for your crimes!"
so the frenchman asks for a knife, and when the chief hands it to him, he says:
"I will not die by the hands of you animals! VIVA LA FRANCE!" and gallantly raises the knife he stabs himself in the heart.
the Englishman again, asks for a knife. he says:
"like my brethren from across the water, I shall not die by the hand of you utter mongrels, GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!!"
and just like the frenchman, he stabs himself in the heart.
now, only the Aussie is left, and when the chief asks him what item he wants, he asks for a fork. Puzzled, the chief hands him a fork and he proceeds to stab himself about 15 times all over his body. He hands the fork back to the confused chief and says
"there goes ya bloody canoe ya c*nt"
credit: bob hawke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skj42/an_australian_a_frenchman_and_an_englishman_are/
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Are people eating Tide Pods because Trump is president?

Or is Trump president because so many people are willing to eat Tide Pods?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skig7/are_people_eating_tide_pods_because_trump_is/
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What's the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ski6r/whats_the_difference_between_an_entomologist_and/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skeex/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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Do you guys like jokes about the exchanging of bodily fluids for doggy biscuits?

Well, urine for a treat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skdaa/do_you_guys_like_jokes_about_the_exchanging_of/
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A real Eskimo

One night, two Eskimos are sitting in a bar in northern Alaska, when they are accosted by a young man from the Mainland. The fellow has obviously been drinking. He slurs, "Hey, ya know, I've always admired you Eskimos. I REEAAALLLY like Eskimos. I've ALWAYS WANTED to be an Eskimo. Tell me how ta BE an Eskimo, huh?"
The Eskimos wink at each other. One tells the guy, "Okay, to become an Eskimo, there are only three things that you have to do. First, you've got to drink a whole bottle of Yukon Jack at once, then you've got to kill a polar bear with your bare hands, and, finally, you have to make love to an Eskimo woman."
The guy takes this in. He ticks off three fingers to himself. Then he heads over to the bar, and orders a bottle of Yukon Jack. Already drunk, he drinks the whole thing down. This has a bad effect on his balance. The fellow staggers out of the bar, muttering something like "Polar bear, Polar bear..."
Several hours pass.
Finally, the door to the bar opens, and the drunk is back. He looks a fright. His parka is ripped, one of his arms is dangling at a crazy angle, and he's got blood all over his face. He staggers over to the Eskimos, and says, "ALL right. I've got the Yukon Jack. I've got the polar bear. Now WHERE'S THIS ESKIMO BITCH I'VE GOTTA KILL?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7skbmn/a_real_eskimo/
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Smoking a cigarette

Have you ever smoked a cigarette in your car and tried to throw it out the window and a minute later you smell something and turn around to find your grandma fingering herself in the back seat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sk6eo/smoking_a_cigarette/
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So a man walks into a bar...

He orders a beer, the bartender charges him $3.50, takes the $3 and puts it in the register, and puts the $0.50 in a large jar on the counter.
The guy finishes his beer and orders another. Again, he pays $3.50, $3 goes in the register, and the change into the jar.
Now it's a friday night, and the bar's crowded, and he notices that every time someone orders a drink it's the same. The cash goes in the register, the change goes in the jar.
Finally, his curiosity gets the better of them. He signals the bartender over and says "Excuse me, but what's with the jar?"
"Oh that?" The bartender says. "That's our Weekly Challenge Jar. Every week we have a challenge and whoever completes it gets the money in the jar."
"There must be $50 in there," the man says. "What's today's challenge?"
"Well, see," the bartender says, "There's an old dog out back, a rottweiler with an infected tooth. We tried to get him to an animal dentist but nobody would go near his mouth since he's a bit aggressive. So you gotta take this pair of pliers here and go pull the dog's tooth."
"That sounds dangerous," says the man, "but I'd do it for $50."
"That's not all," says the bartender. "The guy who owns the bar is upstairs, and he has the ugliest daughter in the world. She's so ugly, she's about to turn 30 and has never been with a man. After you pull the dog's tooth, you've gotta go upstairs and, uh, deflower her."
"For $50?!? Fuck that! I'll just have a whiskey." The guy pays the bartender $5 for the whiskey, and $2 goes in the jar, $3 in the register. The bartender shrugs it off as his loss.
Well, the night goes on and the jar keeps getting fuller, and the guy keeps getting drunker. Finally, just after last call, the guy is sitting there drunkenly watching the bartender count the change jar. The bartender mentions that the change jar has $800 in it, and the guy says "Fuck it. I'll do it for $800."
The bar goes SILENT. The bartender asks "Are you sure? Nobody's ever actually done a weekend challenge before."
"Yeah, I'll do it. Fuck it." The man drunkenly slurs. He finishes his drink and slams it on the counter, grabs the bartender's pliers, and all eyes are on him as he walks towards the back door.
He opens the back door and the bar gasps as they hear the dog barking and snarling, and he sounds PISSED. The door closes, and the dog barks louder as the man yells. The sounds escalate as the two snarl and yell at each other outside.
Finally, the guy enters the bar triumphantly, covered in beer, blood, and dog saliva. He holds the empty pliers triumphantly into the air and yells
"Alright, now where's the bitch who needs her tooth pulled?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sk6am/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.
Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sk4uf/its_1957_and_bobby_goes_to_pick_up_his_date_peggy/
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A penguin is driving through a small town when he starts having some engine trouble...

The penguin decides to swing by a local mechanic to have everything checked out. When the penguin arrives the mechanic tells him he will check out the engine as soon as he is done working on his current project but informs him it will take a little bit of time.   The penguin decides this is no big deal, leaves his cell number with the mechanic and decides to go explore the small town by foot. After a short walk he decides to swing in and grab lunch at the local diner.   The penguin enjoys a great lunch and his waitress even threw in a complimentary ice cream dessert because there was a mixup with his order initially. While eating his ice cream the penguin gets a call from the mechanic that he is working on the engine now and everything will be ready soon.   Eager to get back on the road, the penguin hurriedly finishes the rest of his ice cream, pays the food bill and heads toward the mechanic. When he gets there the mechanic has his head buried under the hood, working away.   “Hey, thanks for working on my engine!” says the penguin as he walks up.  “No problem,” said the mechanic as he stood up, looking out from the hood to talk to the penguin. “Man, it looks to me like you just blew a seal.”  Aghast the penguin replied, “What the fuck man I was just eating ice cream!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sk312/a_penguin_is_driving_through_a_small_town_when_he/
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So many people think drugs and alcohol are the answer.

But drugs and alcohol are the question.  Yes is the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sk2ri/so_many_people_think_drugs_and_alcohol_are_the/
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A Drunk Walks Into A Bar

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"
"Oh yeah, he shit my pants, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sk2nj/a_drunk_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two Italian men on a bus

The bus stops and two Italian men get on.  They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
"Emma come first.  Den I come.  Two asses, dey come together.  I come again.  Two asses, dey come together again.  I come again and pee twice.  Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.  "This is a public bus, you shouldn't talk about your sex lives here!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.  "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sk1l8/two_italian_men_on_a_bus/
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I used to shit my pants in school

You can read all about it in my auto biography, *Diarrhea of a Wimpy Kid*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sk0jp/i_used_to_shit_my_pants_in_school/
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Wife: What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

Me: Well, it has to do with the original animal vectors and -
Wife: No! For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sjvxh/wife_whats_the_difference_between_bird_flu_and/
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A woman visited her doctor

Complaining about a personal problem: she had a habit of wetting the bed. The doctor said, “I’ll have to examine you to find the issue”
“Ok,” said the woman, “what do you need me to do?”
“I’m going to ask you to you shut the divider and undress,” the doctor replied.
The woman began to feel a little uncomfortable, but seeing as he was a doctor, she obliged. “Ok, now what?” She asked.
“Go ahead and do a handstand in front of that mirror over there,” he answered.
Again, the woman felt strange, but he ought to know what he is doing, he is the doctor after all. So, she followed his directions and did a handstand facing the mirror.
The doctor then walked over and begin to examine her. After a short period of time, he said, “Alright get dressed.”
“What’s the problem?” The woman asked after clothing herself.
“Well, you seem to be drinking too much before you go to bed. Try not to have any liquids an hour before you sleep,” replied the doctor.
The woman was happy he had an answer, but thought for a moment and asked, “But what was all of that for?”
“Well,” the doctor said, “My wife was right. I would look good with a beard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sjvq1/a_woman_visited_her_doctor/
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A young boy asks his grandfather

:
"What's the most common English expression?"
The Grandfather, full of wisdom, says, "I love baseball and apple pie."
Puzzled, the boy shrugs it off and continues.
"So, what's the most common German expression?"
Without skipping a beat, the Grandfather says, "David Hasselhoff is the best."
The boy wrinkles his nose in disbelief, but presses on.
"OK then, what's the most common French expression?"
Suddenly, the Grandfather stops. He looks worried. He hesitates, wringing his hands in concentration. He begins to speak, but can't get the words out. His confidence gone, he quietly mutters...
"I give up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sjusw/a_young_boy_asks_his_grandfather/
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What did the nut say to the nut it was chasing?

I'm a cashew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sjtys/what_did_the_nut_say_to_the_nut_it_was_chasing/
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My chihuahua shakes a lot.

Turns out he has **Barkinsons**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sjqy2/my_chihuahua_shakes_a_lot/
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A woman turns to her husband and says, "I feel like you aren't even listening to me."

To which the man turns to his wife and says, "that's a strange way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sjqxl/a_woman_turns_to_her_husband_and_says_i_feel_like/
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An illegal immigrant and a sex offender get into a fight

It was Alien vs. Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sjku6/an_illegal_immigrant_and_a_sex_offender_get_into/
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My security system was delivered today...

Someone stole it before I got home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sje0z/my_security_system_was_delivered_today/
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The saddest thing in the world is a child's cry after their bike is stolen

So I try to pedal away as fast as I can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sj8kc/the_saddest_thing_in_the_world_is_a_childs_cry/
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My talent

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, tell me - when was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sj26s/my_talent/
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My drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness as a disguise...

He eventually got arrested after the police saw that people actually let him in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7siyow/my_drug_dealer_started_dressing_up_as_a_jehovahs/
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A man gets a tattoo of a hundred dollar bill on his penis...

“Next time you want to go shopping,” he says to his wife, “you can just stay home and blow a hundred bucks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7siy01/a_man_gets_a_tattoo_of_a_hundred_dollar_bill_on/
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What type of car would a missionary drive?

A convertible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sixff/what_type_of_car_would_a_missionary_drive/
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What do you get for winning the "Staying in Bed the Longest" competition?

Atrophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7siwmx/what_do_you_get_for_winning_the_staying_in_bed/
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[Long] A brit visits Jamaica

He's at the local pub when he needs to take a piss so he heads into the bathroom.
A local walks in and starts to take a piss next to him. Being curious if the stereotype about black men and penis size is true, he can't help but take a peek.
What he sees surprises him for two reasons. First off, it isn't that much bigger than his own flacid penis. The second being that the jamaican man has a "W-Y" tattood on the top of his cock.
Being unable to contain his surprise, he blurts out, "Mate, I have the same tattoo! When I get hard, it says my wife's name: WendY"
The jamaican man, a little taken a back, but certainly not offended says "Ahh, that's nice. Mine says: Welcome to the republic of Jamaica, I hope you enjoy your staY".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sit0m/long_a_brit_visits_jamaica/
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A couple of police officers taught me a valuable lesson about grocery stores.

Apparently, employees aren’t supposed to have free thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sisxi/a_couple_of_police_officers_taught_me_a_valuable/
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How Long is a Chinese man?

He sure is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sipyh/how_long_is_a_chinese_man/
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What kind of tea can be hard to swallow?

Reali-tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sipe4/what_kind_of_tea_can_be_hard_to_swallow/
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Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

Because he wasn't wearing a seat belt...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sio06/why_did_paul_walker_cross_the_road/
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I am the best driver

I have the most points

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7siml0/i_am_the_best_driver/
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A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big...

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”
His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.
That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.
He asks her why not, to which she responds, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7simik/a_man_notices_his_wifes_butt_is_getting_big/
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I remember having this little plastic cut out shapes to help with drawing when I was little.

I used to be really obsessive about them actually, I'd spend hours. But there would always be more to draw around.
Then I had this realization, that I'd never be done. I'd run out before I could finish. It was weirdly horrifying and morbid.
But anyway that's the story of my first extra stencil crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sil3z/i_remember_having_this_little_plastic_cut_out/
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What do you call Cole slaw that got made wrong?

Murphy Slaw!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sieei/what_do_you_call_cole_slaw_that_got_made_wrong/
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How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday morning

Tell her a joke on Friday :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7siazz/how_do_you_make_a_blonde_laugh_on_a_sunday_morning/
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South Korea is famous for their R&B music.

They’ve really got Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7si9d1/south_korea_is_famous_for_their_rb_music/
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A Big Hole In The Ground

These two men are walking through the woods one day and they come across a big hole in the ground. Now this hole is huge, like some sort of endless pit. So the one man says to the other, “I wonder how deep this hole is?”
He then proceeds to pick up a rock and toss it in the humongous hole. They listen... nothing. The other man then grabs a large stick and throws it in.... Nothing.
At this point the two men are really intrigued over this large hole. So they look around a little for something bigger to throw in, and they come across an old rusty anvil. They both grab an end, walk it over to the hole, and throw it in.
The men are looking down the hole when all of a sudden they hear this noise in the woods. They look over and see this goat running all over the place. It’s ziging and zaging between trees and going all over the place. Then it runs right up and dives into the hole.
Now the two men are thinking, what the hell was that? They had no idea what that goat was doing.
A few minutes later they hear a farmer walking through the woods calling "Becky! Becky!" The farmer asks the men if they've seen his goat, the man say they saw a goat jump into the big hole in the ground. The farmer looks at them and says "Well that couldn't have been mine. I had her tied to an anvil."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7si8cs/a_big_hole_in_the_ground/
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Why are all immigrants to Finland winners?

Because they all crossed the Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7si28s/why_are_all_immigrants_to_finland_winners/
%
I hate Russian dolls.

They’re so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7si20h/i_hate_russian_dolls/
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Are you a toaster?

Because I would love to take a bath with you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7shzcb/are_you_a_toaster/
%
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

But a few days later, someone walked by and heard music coming from the grave where Beethoven lay. Scared, he ran for the priest and as the priest approached the grave he could hear some strange music from under the ground. He too, startled by the occurrence, got the magistrate. When the magistrate got there, he bent his head over the grave and listened closely.
"Ah yes," he said. "that's Beethoven's 9th symphony being played backwards!" After a little while longer, he said, "There's the 8th symphony and it's backwards too! This is very odd." So he kept listening. "There's the 7th...the 6th...the 5th..." Suddenly, it occurred to him what was happening. He stood up and faced the gathering crowd before him. "There's nothing to worry about my fellow citizens. It's just Beethoven decomposing."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7shwyj/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
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Bought some 250 million year old Himalayan salt

But it expires in August.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7shtpl/bought_some_250_million_year_old_himalayan_salt/
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John and the Pickle Slicer

John worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but John indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, John came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, John?" she asked.
"Do you remember how I told you how I had this tremendous urge to stick my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, John, no. . ."
"Yeah. . . "
"John, tell me you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, John, *what happened?*"
"Well, I got fired."
"No, John. The pickle slicer. **What happened with the pickle slicer??**"
John sat and stared at the floor. "She got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7shp1v/john_and_the_pickle_slicer/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7shllh/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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Don’t worry about Muslim suicide bombers, they can only do it once...

..Hindu suicide bombers are the real worry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7shki2/dont_worry_about_muslim_suicide_bombers_they_can/
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A soldier seeks sanctuary at a monastery

. He is very injured and barely crawls to the entrance. After a few weak knocks, a monk opens the door and looks down at the soldier on the ground. The soldier asks "Will you please hide me and give me sanctuary?" The monk nods and a few others come to help the soldier inside. After a few days the soldier is feeling better and has recovered enough to walk around the monastery without any assistance. One night after a hardy feast with the monks, the soldier is laying in bed when he hears a noise. It is very faint but it is one that he is not familiar with hearing at the monastery. So he gets up to investigate. After a few minutes of searching, the soldier comes to a large red curtain. He grabs the curtain and feels the thickness and weight of it. Even being nearly three inches thick he can clearly hear that the noise is coming from behind the curtain. So he pushes the curtain to the side and behind it stands two tall wooden doors with intricate designs and holy symbols. At this point he realizes that he is tired and his body is relatively sore, so he closes the curtain and heads back to his room for the night.
The next morning he finds the monk that helped him the day he arrived. "What was that noise from last night, monk?" He asks. The monk tells him, "I cannot tell you. You are not a monk." The soldier shrugs and thinks nothing more of it.
That night he is awoken by the same noise. He gets out of his bed and walks to where he found the curtain. He opens the curtain and examines the wooden doors behind them. He puts his ear to the doors and can hear the noise more clearly. So he swings open the doors and behind them is a gray garage door. It is one of the garage doors that you bend over and pick up manually from the bottom. At this point he is feeling tired and not up for the challenge of lifting anything. So he closes the wooden doors and moves the curtain back in front of the doors.
The next morning he approaches the monk once more. "Monk you have to tell me what that noise was!" He demands. The monk simply looks back at him and says, "I cannot tell you. You are not a monk." The soldier glares at him momentarily then shrugs and walks away. However, he is slightly annoyed this time. That night he is already awake when he hears the noise. He promptly gets up and goes over the curtains. The soldier opens the curtains, swings open the doors, and lifts the garage door. Behind the garage door is a massive book shelf filled with books from all ages of the past. After looking through a few of the books and reading about philosophers and religious figures, he hears the noise again coming from behind the bookshelf. So he begins pulling every book from the shelf. An hour passes and he gets to the last few books. He pulls one from the shelf and the bookshelf shakes then moves to the side. Behind the bookshelf is three tunnels and above each tunnel is a number. "1", "2", and "3." The soldier glances back at the mound of books he created on the floor and decided to save the tunnels for another time. He puts the books back on the shelf, closes the garage door, closes the large wooden doors, and moves the curtain back in front of the doors.
The next morning at breakfast he pulls the monk from his chair and demands, "TELL ME WHAT THAT NOISE IS OR I WILL FIND OUT MYSELF!" The monk looks into the soldier's eyes and says, "I cannot tell you, you are not a monk." Livid, the soldier pushes the monk to the side and runs to the curtain where the noise comes from. He opens the curtain, opens the wooden doors, lifts the garage door, and pulls the secret book to expose the three tunnels. Without thinking, he darts down the first tunnel to the left. Running and running the soldier is so determined he doesn't move slower than a brisk jog. After about an hour he sees a light at the end of the tunnel finally. He darts for the light and comes out the other tunnel number 3 on the right side. In the middle remains tunnel number "2". He enters the tunnel. Before long he can see a light at the end. He takes off running to the light and comes out into a large library. The vault ceilings stretch high above him and host a painting of angels and god. The floor is covered in luscious red carpet. The walls are covered in books from the floor to the ceiling. In the middle of the room is a long wooden table, polished and reflective, surrounded by 12 chairs. On the table is a chest covered in gems, diamonds, and gold. The noise is coming from within the chest. The soldier approaches the chest and notices there is already a golden key inserted into the front keyhole.
He turns the key.
The chest opens.
What was inside?
I cannot tell you. You are not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7shkb1/a_soldier_seeks_sanctuary_at_a_monastery/
%
Apparently humans worldwide consume 55 million chickens every single day

Answer me this, veggies: do YOU want to live with an extra 20 billion chickens running about each year?
Thought not. Shut the fuck up and join the fight. Then we'll start on the bastard cows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7shisr/apparently_humans_worldwide_consume_55_million/
%
A guy in a restaurant stops a pretty blonde waitress as she passes by his table...

"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"
She throws a drink in his face. "The men I please are none of your damn business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7shgpo/a_guy_in_a_restaurant_stops_a_pretty_blonde/
%
Wife: "I have blisters on my hands from the broom."

Husband: (trying to be playful) "Next time take the car, silly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7shdmb/wife_i_have_blisters_on_my_hands_from_the_broom/
%
Harry prays to God

: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.
The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord!
The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery!
Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sh91k/harry_prays_to_god/
%
Two prostitutes are talking.

One says to the other "do you smoke after sex?"
The other replies "I don't know, I never looked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sh8on/two_prostitutes_are_talking/
%
A family took their mother to a nursing home.

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning and repeated again the following day.
On the second afternoon the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sh4bj/a_family_took_their_mother_to_a_nursing_home/
%
I like my wife like I like my computer.

Turned on.
On my lap.
And virus free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sh175/i_like_my_wife_like_i_like_my_computer/
%
3 drunk guys entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were
drunk so he started the engine &
turned it off again.
He told them."We have reached ".
The 1st
guy gave him money
&
the 2nd guy said "thank you".
The 3rd guy
gave the driver a slap.
The driver
was shocked,thinking the 3rd
drunk knew what he did.
But he
asked "whats that for?".
The 3rd
guy replied: "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sh0ma/3_drunk_guys_entered_a_taxi/
%
Why does the pope not want to be cremated?

Because he is still alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sgpu1/why_does_the_pope_not_want_to_be_cremated/
%
I told my girlfriend I have a foot fetish...

She said, “this is getting out of hand.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sgpie/i_told_my_girlfriend_i_have_a_foot_fetish/
%
TIL 3 out of 4 people...

Make up 75% of the population.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sgp0j/til_3_out_of_4_people/
%
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

The P is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sgl6o/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_in_the_bathroom/
%
So much for privacy...

Google: We really value your privacy
Twitter: We’d never collect anything
Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device
Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sgiqi/so_much_for_privacy/
%
A rabbit and a bear are having a conversation.......

The bear asks the rabbit, “Do you have problems with poop sticking onto your fur?”
“No”, says the rabbit
“Good then” says the bear, as he grabs the rabbit by the ears, reaches between his legs and wipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sggwv/a_rabbit_and_a_bear_are_having_a_conversation/
%
Cartoonist found dead at home...

Details are sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sgg62/cartoonist_found_dead_at_home/
%
She was already feeling very annoyed that night

The skimpy uniform the bar owner made them all wear was bad enough. It helped with tips, she guessed, and as a newly single mom she had to do whatever she could to pay the bills.
But the men! She could feel their oozing gazes following her as she buzzed around the room carrying drinks and clearing tables.
The last straw was when one table kept ordering single drinks, one at a time, making her come back over and over again. Finally frustrated, she blurted out
"Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sgc5v/she_was_already_feeling_very_annoyed_that_night/
%
I can't believe no one liked my Elvis impersonation

Personally, I think that having a drug overdose on the crapper was spot on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sgbvh/i_cant_believe_no_one_liked_my_elvis_impersonation/
%
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage…

management.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sga8o/the_most_ineffective_workers_are_systematically/
%
Dad, I wanna be just like President Trump when I grow up.

Dad: Pick one, son. You can't do both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sg4ax/dad_i_wanna_be_just_like_president_trump_when_i/
%
I was at a local bar when...

A woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it.  I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sg3tp/i_was_at_a_local_bar_when/
%
If someone draws pictures of Eminem for a living.

Are they a professional martial artist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sg18m/if_someone_draws_pictures_of_eminem_for_a_living/
%
It’s easier to deter women from eating tide pods, but it’s harder to...

Deter-gents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sfygi/its_easier_to_deter_women_from_eating_tide_pods/
%
I don't believe in reincarnation

...but I did in my previous life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sfvto/i_dont_believe_in_reincarnation/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sfven/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
Hey, I'm walking in the woods and can't talk right now...

Bear with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sftyb/hey_im_walking_in_the_woods_and_cant_talk_right/
%
Which place has a 99% recycling average?

r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sfsok/which_place_has_a_99_recycling_average/
%
My grandpa knew the Titanic was going to sink. He said it loudly countless times...

Then he got kicked out of the theater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sfich/my_grandpa_knew_the_titanic_was_going_to_sink_he/
%
A teenage boy takes his girlfriend to the prom.

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table. Turns out there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sfh7w/a_teenage_boy_takes_his_girlfriend_to_the_prom/
%
How are millenials and tightrope walkers alike?

Compromise their net and they will literally die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sfgr9/how_are_millenials_and_tightrope_walkers_alike/
%
I was really surprised when my friend said I was nosey....

...because they never mentioned that in their diary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sfgme/i_was_really_surprised_when_my_friend_said_i_was/
%
How can you tell when a mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sffra/how_can_you_tell_when_a_mechanic_just_had_sex/
%
a Priest, a Minister, a Rabbi, and a Bear...

* A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who is best at his job. So each one goes into the woods to find a bear and try to convert it.
* Later, they all get together to compare notes.
* The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion."
* The minister says: "I found a bear by the stream and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him."
* They both look down to the rabbi, who is lying on a stretcher in a full body cast.
* "Looking back," he says, "maybe I should not have started with the circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sfdrd/a_priest_a_minister_a_rabbi_and_a_bear/
%
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sfd75/dont_know_if_this_is_a_scam_but_i_just_received_a/
%
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sf581/my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
Did you hear about the aspiring YouTube star that died from the flu?

He finally went viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sf4af/did_you_hear_about_the_aspiring_youtube_star_that/
%
I didn't pay my exorcist

I got repossessed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sf348/i_didnt_pay_my_exorcist/
%
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sf0l2/whats_the_difference_between_oral_sex_and_anal_sex/
%
I have a t-shirt that says, "Hope is contagious."

My ex-girlfriend Hope really hates that shirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sf0dt/i_have_a_tshirt_that_says_hope_is_contagious/
%
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?

I can’t jelly my wiener in your butt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sezqu/whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_jelly/
%
Linguistic Humor

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sewq2/linguistic_humor/
%
Little girl: "Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up."

Mom: "Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both.﻿"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7set6k/little_girl_mommy_i_want_to_be_a_feminist_when_i/
%
Did you hear about the new paint called "blonde" paint?

It's not very bright but it spreads easily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sescl/did_you_hear_about_the_new_paint_called_blonde/
%
Growing up my father told me to "only trust a man as far as you can throw him."

That's why I trust babies so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sern6/growing_up_my_father_told_me_to_only_trust_a_man/
%
My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7serlv/my_wife_said_if_i_bought_her_one_more_stupid/
%
I saw a gorilla on a tyre swing at the zoo the other day...

I thought, wow that looks fun, I'll buy one for the kids! But it makes the tree in my garden look scruffy and it keeps chucking shit at the neighbours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7senrt/i_saw_a_gorilla_on_a_tyre_swing_at_the_zoo_the/
%
How many EA employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

[Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99!]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7seb7s/how_many_ea_employees_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A video game character walks into a health bar...

... and he remarks "that's the fourth wall I've walked into today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7seabs/a_video_game_character_walks_into_a_health_bar/
%
God damned millennials!

Walking around like they rent the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7se4ck/god_damned_millennials/
%
A husband and wife were grocery shopping ...

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.  "What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.
"It's on sale.  Only $10 for a case," he replies.
"We can't afford it.  Put it back," demands the wife.  They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
"So does the Budweiser and it's half the price," retorts the husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7se49z/a_husband_and_wife_were_grocery_shopping/
%
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day...

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7se1px/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_eats_for_a_day/
%
I was born to be a pessimist.

My blood type is B Negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7se130/i_was_born_to_be_a_pessimist/
%
A man visits the dentist after doing 69

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, a man remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of Listerine mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist, he chewed 5 strong mints too.!
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, "Man, did you have a 69 before you came here?"
The guy was shocked, and asked, "Does my breath smell like pussy?"
The dentist said, "No; your forehead smells like ass..!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7se046/a_man_visits_the_dentist_after_doing_69/
%
My computer said I had to change my password, so I entered “beefstew”…

My computer said, “Sorry, password not stroganoff.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sdu1x/my_computer_said_i_had_to_change_my_password_so_i/
%
I rearranged my keyboard today

Now everything's under Control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sdtim/i_rearranged_my_keyboard_today/
%
I keep my pinky finger up and no elbows on the thighs when I masturbate because...

I'm a genitalman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sdqzt/i_keep_my_pinky_finger_up_and_no_elbows_on_the/
%
A man is walking in a graveyard!

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker.
“It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sdqmy/a_man_is_walking_in_a_graveyard/
%
A mother went to visit her son

Mothers are smarter than you think they are .....
A Mom went to visit her son, Jack, for dinner and found that he had a girl by the name of Tammy for a roomate ...
During the course of dinner, Jack's mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jack's housemate was and the mother was suspicious of a possible relationship between the two ...
Over the course of the evening while watching Jack and Tammy interacted, the mother started to wonder if there was more between Jack and his housemate than met the eyes and this made the mother even more curious ...
Reading his mother's thoughts, Jack volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking but I assure you, Tammy and I are just roomates".
About a week later, Tammy came to Jack saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner that night, I've been unable to find my mum's silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Jack said ,"Well, I doubt it but I'll email her just to be sure".
So he sat down and wrote to his mother :
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house ...
I'm not saying that you did not take the silver plate ...
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner ...
Love,
Jack
Several days later, Jack received an email from his Mother which read :
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you do sleep with Tammy and
I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Tammy.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found her silver plate by now under the pillow ...
Love,
Mom
Lesson to be learnt:
Don't Lie To Your Mother
She's Smarter Than You Think She Is ....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sdq9a/a_mother_went_to_visit_her_son/
%
Everyone knew it was the Spanish train operator who was behind the dead bodies hidden at the train station.

He always had a locomotive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sdim1/everyone_knew_it_was_the_spanish_train_operator/
%
A dyslexic witch cursed me!

Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sdgno/a_dyslexic_witch_cursed_me/
%
Whale whale whale...

... if it isn't a pod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sdesg/whale_whale_whale/
%
Two fishes are in a tank.

One of the fishes asks the other," How the hell are we gonna drive this thing? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sdehp/two_fishes_are_in_a_tank/
%
Help! Rick Astley is overstaying his welcome at my house!

He's never gonna say goodbye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sdeb1/help_rick_astley_is_overstaying_his_welcome_at_my/
%
I negotiated salary for the first time ever, and I got what I wanted!

I didn't really want to work there anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sddca/i_negotiated_salary_for_the_first_time_ever_and_i/
%
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,

the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sdb1t/god_grant_me_the_food_to_sustain_my_body/
%
Today I put a new lens on my camera that allows me to take photos of farts.

It's called flatulence.
Sorry, I'm a dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sd76m/today_i_put_a_new_lens_on_my_camera_that_allows/
%
There was this government inspector checking out a hospital

.  He gets guided round most of the wards by  a resident doctor, and things seem okay. They have just one more ward to go, when the doctor's pager goes off and he runs to take an emergency call, the inspector decides to proceed, and asks the doctor to join him as soon as is practical.
He enters this final ward, and things seem to be okay, but then one of the patients wanders up with a frown on his face and says "Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!" and then stalks away.  The inspector was a bit startled by this, but carries on checking the facilities until an equally grim looking chap wandered up and said "Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a pannic's in thy breastie!" and then he strode away.  With this, the inspector begins to get worried, which is compounded when a third intense man walks up and says "The rank is but the guinea's stamp, The man's the gowd for a' that" so he turns for the door, just as the doctor arrived back.
"I thought we'd done the psychiatric wards" said the inspector.
"What do you mean?  This is the serious Burns unit"
Greetings from Scotland - and with that, I'll head off to get my haggis for our bard's birthday.
EDIT - format

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sd6de/there_was_this_government_inspector_checking_out/
%
He got the order wrong

Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sd5y1/he_got_the_order_wrong/
%
I wanted to improve my cooking skills, so I finally decided to cook my way through Julia Child's cookbook

I'm on page 122, but no matter how much butter I use, it still just tastes like paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sd5l4/i_wanted_to_improve_my_cooking_skills_so_i/
%
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sd28k/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
A Mexican magician

says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." poof. He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sd1u3/a_mexican_magician/
%
Joke from a 1920s Australian Newspaper

**Diplomacy**
Uncle to nephew playing a game of War with a companion: "If you take the fortress within a quarter of an hour, I'll give you a sixpence."
Youngster (a minute later): "Uncle, sixpence please, the fortress is taken."
Uncle: "How did you manage it so quickly?"
Youngster: "I offered the besieged threepence and he gave in."
Source: The Narracoote Herald, Friday 13, February 1920

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sd0qd/joke_from_a_1920s_australian_newspaper/
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How do you disarm a man with a knife?

Cut between the shoulder and upper arm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7scz0c/how_do_you_disarm_a_man_with_a_knife/
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Dad approaches me at home: "May I ask you another question?"

Me: "Wait, what was the first question?"
Dad: "May I ask you another question?"
....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7scxaq/dad_approaches_me_at_home_may_i_ask_you_another/
%
John Cena as Duke Nukem?

I just can't see him in that role.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7scx6i/john_cena_as_duke_nukem/
%
"Hey professor, is it true you made a car that runs on gas?"

"Yes, I Madagascar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7scw0c/hey_professor_is_it_true_you_made_a_car_that_runs/
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Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes?

He uses only top notch fresh ingredients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7scv7x/why_does_michael_j_fox_make_the_best_milkshakes/
%
What do you call a gay guy who's the only one at home?

he's homo-lone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7scutj/what_do_you_call_a_gay_guy_whos_the_only_one_at/
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What did the Alabama sherriff say about the black guy with 17 bullet holes in his back?

He said it was the worse case of suicide he’s ever seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7scti4/what_did_the_alabama_sherriff_say_about_the_black/
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[Long] The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sctfi/long_the_mexican_maid_asked_for_a_pay_increase/
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Mom just made some synonym rolls

Just like Grammar used to make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sct3b/mom_just_made_some_synonym_rolls/
%
"I'm sorry for the loss of your dog."

Then I picked up her puppy and ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7scs89/im_sorry_for_the_loss_of_your_dog/
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Old but Gold

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7scr65/old_but_gold/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7scp14/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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I love you just the way you are, I passionately sang to my ex-grilfriend

Then I lay the flowers on her grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7scnyy/i_love_you_just_the_way_you_are_i_passionately/
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If identical siblings are both interested in something,

Do they have twin piques?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sci67/if_identical_siblings_are_both_interested_in/
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If there is an Urban Dictionary...

...Shouldn't there be a Rural Dictionary
Credits to my friend Portia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7schxt/if_there_is_an_urban_dictionary/
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A penny saved is a penny earned....

...but a penny earned isn't anything to fucking brag about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sch5g/a_penny_saved_is_a_penny_earned/
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What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?

Just the Rottweiler actually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7scdgk/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_bunny_and_a/
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A kid asks "Dad, what do condoms do?"

Dad:"Son, it prevents questions like that one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sccse/a_kid_asks_dad_what_do_condoms_do/
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I used to have a crippling addiction to the Hokey Pokey

But now I’m proud to say I’ve turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7scchd/i_used_to_have_a_crippling_addiction_to_the_hokey/
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What do you call bees that produce milk ?

Boobees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sc62y/what_do_you_call_bees_that_produce_milk/
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How do you spot a blind guy on a nude beach?

It isn't hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sc4c1/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_guy_on_a_nude_beach/
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The Chinese Solution

While in China , an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.  Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Fall off by itself!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sc48g/the_chinese_solution/
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Mom: I hear you failed your English exam.

Son: who telled you!!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sbxan/mom_i_hear_you_failed_your_english_exam/
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All my family are police officers. Except for my uncle who is a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sbu7h/all_my_family_are_police_officers_except_for_my/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sbu1v/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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My First Time

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sbsu7/my_first_time/
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Wheel wheel wheel

If it isn’t the tricycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sbsen/wheel_wheel_wheel/
%
I had a job where I had to put shredded cheese back together

It was the most degrating job I've ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sbpea/i_had_a_job_where_i_had_to_put_shredded_cheese/
%
What do you call a bicycle made of paper?

A tearable bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sbnwh/what_do_you_call_a_bicycle_made_of_paper/
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An aide asks Donald Trump what they’re going to do about the abortion bill.

Trump said “Pay it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sblao/an_aide_asks_donald_trump_what_theyre_going_to_do/
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If you play Nickelback backwards...

You hear messages from the devil...
But even worse if you play Nickelback forwards you hear Nickelback!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sbjy7/if_you_play_nickelback_backwards/
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I wake up happy, slowly get angrier, then eventually start lightening up and by bedtime I've come full circle and am happy one again

I've got pi-polar disorder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sbiyo/i_wake_up_happy_slowly_get_angrier_then/
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I asked a girl out and suddenly the power went away...

In the dark, she said yes as the lights came back on.
You can say we started seeing each other after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sbhmy/i_asked_a_girl_out_and_suddenly_the_power_went/
%
Did you hear about the soldier who was survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?

I heard he’s a seasoned veteran now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sbftr/did_you_hear_about_the_soldier_who_was_survived/
%
A black man

was sitting at a bar, minding his own business. A girl comes out of nowhere and starts talking to him. They talk for 2 hours and the girl decides to take him home. At her door, the girl gets flirty and asks "Will you show me what black guys are known for?" The man smiles and says "Hell yeah, babe".
He then takes her purse and runs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sbaxl/a_black_man/
%
I've just gotten a part-time job helping a one-armed man type capital letters...

It's shift work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sb37a/ive_just_gotten_a_parttime_job_helping_a_onearmed/
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As a muslim, I don't get why cannabis is so popular

I mean, why do you want to get stoned?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sb2il/as_a_muslim_i_dont_get_why_cannabis_is_so_popular/
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My penis may only be 3 inches...

But it smells like a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sb2ed/my_penis_may_only_be_3_inches/
%
I prefer my tea American style..

Mixed with the salt of Boston Harbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sb0lg/i_prefer_my_tea_american_style/
%
My girlfriend was really hurt and upset when I told her I swung both ways.

She couldn't block both punches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sawaq/my_girlfriend_was_really_hurt_and_upset_when_i/
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Why didn't the POTUS go golfing during the shutdown, since only essential personnel are needed?

Does anyone know the answer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sauvz/why_didnt_the_potus_go_golfing_during_the/
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Studies have shown that public speaking is the thing that people fear the most. The second most-common fear is death.

This means that most people would rather be the one in the casket rather than the one giving the eulogy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7saswh/studies_have_shown_that_public_speaking_is_the/
%
A moth is sitting in the psychiatrist office...

So a moth is sitting in the therapist office, and the therapist says, "So, how's work?" And the moth says, "Oh it's great, just wonderful, just got a promotion which came with a nice raise, they moved me up to the 15th floor and now I have the greatest view of Seattle anyone could ask for." And so the therapist says, "Great news! And how's the home life?" To which the moth replies, "Excellent!! The wife and I are working on our second larvae!!" Finally the therapist says, "Well then why the hell have you come to the psychiatrist? Seems to me like your life is just fine." The moth says, "because your light was on"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7saskr/a_moth_is_sitting_in_the_psychiatrist_office/
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Life is a lot like eating a shit sandwich...

The more bread you got, the less shit you eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sanv5/life_is_a_lot_like_eating_a_shit_sandwich/
%
To the rest of us, "solutions" mean finding answers.

But to chemists, "solutions" are when things are still mixed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7saly0/to_the_rest_of_us_solutions_mean_finding_answers/
%
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sal51/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_21_year_old_girl_today/
%
How do you comfort an English Major?

There, their, they’re....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sahuo/how_do_you_comfort_an_english_major/
%
Give a teen a pizza, they'll be full for a day

Give a teen a tide pod, they'll be full for the rest of their life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7safqn/give_a_teen_a_pizza_theyll_be_full_for_a_day/
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Little Suzy was upset and crying...

"What's wrong?" Asked her mother
"We learnt about the moon landing today." Said Suzy
"What's upsetting about that, I was a great American achievement." The mother explained
"Yeah but our teacher said that because of the sun the flag would turn white" Suzy sobbed out
"Yes that's because of the UV rays, why does that matter?" Said the mother trying to comfort her
Suzy explained her reasoning "Because if something happens to our records, people in the future will think that it wasn't us that went but the French."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7saamx/little_suzy_was_upset_and_crying/
%
I once had such good sex that I even orgasm when I talk about it.

I’ll be telling that story for years to come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sa9q5/i_once_had_such_good_sex_that_i_even_orgasm_when/
%
A Chinese man walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and asks for a pint of Guinness.
The barman says "No I'm sorry buddy, I can't serve you."
"Why is it because I'm Chinese?!!" he says.
The barman says, "No, you're too young."
The Chinese man looks baffled...
"How do you know my name?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sa8g4/a_chinese_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My Indian girlfriend said I could give her a facial.

I nearly came on the spot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sa7tb/my_indian_girlfriend_said_i_could_give_her_a/
%
A man came up to me today and said "I've invented an aeroplane without wings"

I thought, that'll never take off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sa7lb/a_man_came_up_to_me_today_and_said_ive_invented/
%
What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7sa0s0/what_do_you_call_2_monkeys_that_share_an_amazon/
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What has a beak but doesn’t peck, wings but doesn’t fly, and feet but doesn’t walk?

A dead bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s9vy5/what_has_a_beak_but_doesnt_peck_wings_but_doesnt/
%
Seen on the internet a couple years ago.

A guy driving a Tesla stops at a red light. A second guy comes up to his window and says "Nice Edison you're driving!" The driver, confused, looks at the man and says "You're mistaken, sir, this is a Tesla." The guy at the window says to the driver "You're the one who's mistaken, this IS an Edison."
Then he pulled out a gun and said "You see, it's about to be stolen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s9spx/seen_on_the_internet_a_couple_years_ago/
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Remember…you are not completely useless.

You can always serve as a bad example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s9pup/rememberyou_are_not_completely_useless/
%
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s9ntr/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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One day...

.....out on the farm the owner of the farm goes to his 13 year old son and says, "Son, take this last duck to town and sell it so we can buy our cow some food."
The son agrees to, and as he is walking down the road he passes by a woman. The woman says to the boy, "Son I will fuck you for that duck."
Not thinking, the boy agrees, and they go off in the woods and fuck. When they got done the woman says to the boy, "WOW that was good, I'll give that duck back if you do it again."
So the boy agrees, and they do it again. Well when they get done the boy gets his duck, puts it back on the leash, and starts leading it down the road. When he gets about half way to town a truck comes through and runs over the boy's duck. The truck driver stops, jumps out, and says to the boy, "Son I'm sorry about your duck. Here's 20 dollars."
So the boy takes the money and goes back home. When he gets there he finds his dad, and his dad asks him how he did. The boy says, "Well dad, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s9jru/one_day/
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With the rise of self driving vehicles,

we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s9i61/with_the_rise_of_self_driving_vehicles/
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A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"
"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.
*Dang,* the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"
"Ummm... 10!" says the blonde.
"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history.
"OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
"Ummm... I don't know," the blonde admits.
"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.
So the blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
"Not only did I get the job," she says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s9hlj/a_blonde_walks_into_the_police_department_looking/
%
I don't know why everyone thinks the wall won't work.

China built one over 2000 years ago and they STILL don't have any Mexicans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s9fww/i_dont_know_why_everyone_thinks_the_wall_wont_work/
%
I tried to force feed my child...

After a while my wife said “Just use a fucking spoon Mike, you’re not a Jedi”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s9boc/i_tried_to_force_feed_my_child/
%
Why don't the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal?

Every time they get close to the bowl, they choke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s99zf/why_dont_the_minnesota_vikings_eat_cereal/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s97vi/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
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Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they will never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s94ls/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
No motivation. Why bother if people don't notice my creative work?

It just seems that lately nobody really notices all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort i put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much i try to 'get in the spotlight' and display my art, people seem to just... pass it by and go on like they haven't even noticed it, not even giving it a glance or a moments thought.
I'm in a rut right now. Its hard to stay motivated and creative when all the hard work goes unnoticed, despite the pay being good.
For those wondering, i design camouflage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s938y/no_motivation_why_bother_if_people_dont_notice_my/
%
Which one of King Arthur’s men built the round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s91b8/which_one_of_king_arthurs_men_built_the_round/
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Chuck Norris Facts!

-can lift up a chair with one hand... While he's sitting on it.
-can make scissors beat rock.
-when he's looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough
to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
-can unscramble eggs.
-counted to infinity - twice.
-played the card game War with a friend, France surrendered.
-can delete the Recycle Bin.
-broke the law once. It still isn’t fixed.
-aliens believe in him.
-met an exclamation point and punched it in the face. We now have question mark.
-while vacationing in France, he went out for a casual bike ride and accidentally won the Tour de France.
-injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.
They are now known as King Kong, Moby Dick, and Godzilla.
-built the hospital in which he was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s90q5/chuck_norris_facts/
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Who won the first “Tour de France”?

The 7th Panzer Division

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s9013/who_won_the_first_tour_de_france/
%
I tried to share a burger with a homeless man, but he refused

He told me to get my own burger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8w4x/i_tried_to_share_a_burger_with_a_homeless_man_but/
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Three guys go on a skiing trip together.

When they get to the ski lodge, the attendant informs them there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
The men reluctantly agree to share, and get settled in.
After a long day of skiing, the men wash up and get ready for bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, "Wow, I had this amazing dream about this beautiful lady giving me a hand job. It felt so vivid!"
The guy on the left side of the bed suddenly wakes up, and goes, "Wow, I had the same dream!"
The guy in the middle says, "Wow, that's funny. I was dreaming that I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8vzz/three_guys_go_on_a_skiing_trip_together/
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We'll, We'll, We'll

Rock you.
Thanks /u/madazzahatter for the inspiration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8upy/well_well_well/
%
Doctor, there's a patient on line no. 1... that says he's invisible!

Doctor : Well, tell him I can't see him right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8u54/doctor_theres_a_patient_on_line_no_1_that_says/
%
What's big, grey, and comes in quarts?

... an elephant
Just got this one from my mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8r8n/whats_big_grey_and_comes_in_quarts/
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How does Harry Potter order a drink in Mexico?

Expecto Patrona

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8q6u/how_does_harry_potter_order_a_drink_in_mexico/
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Did you hear the joke about the broken pencil?

... never mind, it's pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8nny/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_broken_pencil/
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Why did the bee get married?

Because he found his honey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8ksf/why_did_the_bee_get_married/
%
My doctor gave me a prescription for daily sex

And my wife is trying to convince me it says dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8ke8/my_doctor_gave_me_a_prescription_for_daily_sex/
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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8ikt/why_is_it_so_hard_for_women_to_find_men_that_are/
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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8igz/a_jewish_man_on_the_subway_is_reading_an_arab/
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Asked my North Korean friend how it was living in there

he said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8ibw/asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_living_in/
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I invented a war game called "Adam and Eve".

It's a first person shooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8hra/i_invented_a_war_game_called_adam_and_eve/
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A quarterback from a local football team is jogging through his neighborhood...

As he’s running he’s talking himself up like “yeah, you’re the best” “you’re gonna throw that ball so hard bro”
as he’s jogging he begins to hear screaming down the street and sees an area that seems brighter than the rest. He wraps around the corner to see what’s happening.
As he arrives to the light and screaming he realizes one of the houses in the neighborhood is covered in flames. He sees the last of the firemen running out with a woman in his arms. When the fireman gets the lady to a safe distance she begins to run back toward the house. He grabs her and stops her in her tracks. “PLEASE NO, MY BABY SHES STILL INSIDE!!!”, She exclaims. “I’m sorry mam there’s nothing we can do at this point the fire has grown too big.” The fireman said in a somber tone.
The quarterback couldn’t live with this on his conscience as he feels he could save the baby. He takes action and sprints inside.
A few moments later you see him run out with a baby in his arms. Everyone cheers in excitement as they see he’s saved the baby from a Fiery death.
In all the excitement he raises the baby in the air and slams it into the ground and exclaims. *BAM* “TOUCHDOWN!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8hda/a_quarterback_from_a_local_football_team_is/
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What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8gtm/whats_the_difference_between_a_new_husband_and_a/
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I, for one

like Roman numerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8g1y/i_for_one/
%
Three Bills at a bar

Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:
"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."
The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:
"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."
The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He then says:
"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8cre/three_bills_at_a_bar/
%
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8aq2/a_mathematician_a_physicist_and_an_engineer_were/
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What is the point of any of this?

So I am at my new job working my ass off but nobody seems to notice it. My boss doesn't seem to care, coworkers don't even talk to me.
I am starting to feel depressed.
Maybe I should quit working in the camouflage tailor shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s8adk/what_is_the_point_of_any_of_this/
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What did the farmer say when he saw his onions losing water?

Oh no, must be a leek!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s82jy/what_did_the_farmer_say_when_he_saw_his_onions/
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Ohayo means "good morning" in Japanese

And that is the most interesting thing about Ohio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s7zxq/ohayo_means_good_morning_in_japanese/
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A pig named lucky.

A news show was doing a report on a local old farmer who had a pig named lucky. Lucky had 4 peg legs.
Reporter: So, can you tell us the story of Lucky? How did he get his name?
Farmer: Well one night, I awoke to the sound of my animals crying, and my barn was on fire. I quickly ran outside to let the animals out before it was too late. While I was in the barn, after letting the last of them out, a beam collapsed on me. I was pinned underneath it, fire all around me. I thought it was the end. All of a sudden, Lucky here came barrelling through the flames, lifted the beam off of me and dragged me out of the barn, saving my life. That's when I named him lucky.
Reporter: Oh, OK. So what happened to his legs?
Farmer: Well after all he did for me, I couldn't bring myself to eat all of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s7zia/a_pig_named_lucky/
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Harry Potter's invisibility cloak was very effective for spying on the women of Hogwarts

They never saw him coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s7ug3/harry_potters_invisibility_cloak_was_very/
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I hear it’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods

But it’s harder to deter gents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s7ouo/i_hear_its_easy_to_convince_ladies_not_to_eat/
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My neighbors think I’m having sex with a 3 year old.

I tried to explain it to them but they didn’t seem comforted when I cleared up the fact that my German Shepherd is actually 21 in dog years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s7np1/my_neighbors_think_im_having_sex_with_a_3_year_old/
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I have the heart of a lion.

Also, a lifetime ban from the Toronto Zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s7h34/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
I was trying not to wake anyone up coming in from a night out...

So I put those French pancakes on my feet and crepèd right up the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s7h1v/i_was_trying_not_to_wake_anyone_up_coming_in_from/
%
I saw a robbery at the Apple store yesterday.

I guess that makes me an iWitness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s7erh/i_saw_a_robbery_at_the_apple_store_yesterday/
%
A cop knocked on my door this morning...

... but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent, but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in here!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s7c3y/a_cop_knocked_on_my_door_this_morning/
%
Commas matter

Let's listen to the doors.
Vs.
Let's listen to the commadoors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s79yh/commas_matter/
%
One man's trash is another Man's treasure

Wonderful saying,
horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s78z4/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic could bring the dead back to life, but he did so to make them his eternal servants.
One day, Wong Lee was reading one of the ancient scrolls in his tower. He discovered a spell that allowed him to create a stronger, better type of servant, better than the ghouls, ghasts and spectres that he had made in the past. The spell required only three ingredients to cast, but they were very difficult to obtain.
Wong Lee went out to look for the first ingredient: a single scale from a red dragon. He and his servant went to the great hills and valleys in search of the dragon, but found none. Then they went to the wide open desert, but still found none. They climbed the highest mountains in China in search of the dragon, but found none.
It was only when they began to climb down from the summit of the mountain that a red dragon came to visit them. "It would appear that you two are looking for one of my scales," said the dragon in a deep, booming voice.
"Yes, great dragon, it is a reagent for my spell," said Wong Lee.
The dragon looked upon Wong Lee and his servant and slowly nodded its giant head. "I will trade you a scale from my hide for the life of your brother Wan," said the dragon, and Wong Lee agreed, for he cared not about the life of his brother.
Now that Wong Lee had the first ingredient, it was time to find the second: a single pearl from a giant clam. Wong Lee and his servant searched the rivers long and far, but found no clam. They went through every grain of sand on every beach, but found no clam. They sailed the seas and dove into its depths, but found no clam.
It was only when they began to return to shore that a large clam came up from the sea in front of their ship. "You are looking for my pearl, aren't you?" said the clam.
"Yes, great clam, it is a reagant for my spell," said Wong Lee.
The clam looked upon Wong Lee and his servant, and slowly opened its huge shell. "I will trade you my pearl for the life of your brother Tsu," said the clam, and Wong Lee agreed, for he cared not about the life of his brother.
When Wong Lee returned to his tower, he found that the bodies of his brothers had been placed there by the dragon and the clam. "This is good for me," he said to himself, "because the last ingredient is the bodies of two powerful magicians."
Wong Lee drew a ritual circle in his tower, lighting candles and braziers that cast an eerie glow over the bodies of his brothers. He set them perfectly inside the circle, and placed the scale and pearl he had been given upon each body. With the spell ready to recite, Wong Lee began to chant, and a bright red light shone through the chamber for a moment. When it faded, nothing was left but Wong Lee and his servant. The scale, the pearl, and the two bodies had vanished entirely.
"I don't understand!" Wong Lee shouted. "Everything was in its proper place! The spell should have worked!"
"Excuse me, master," his servant interrupted, "but everyone knows that two Wongs don't make a wight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s78mx/the_wong_brothers/
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Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?

Ireland’s.
Every year it’s Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s78e2/which_countrys_capital_is_the_fastest_growing/
%
I can only think of one word with three U's in it. That's unusual.

Really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s73tp/i_can_only_think_of_one_word_with_three_us_in_it/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.

In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake, and says, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of stars, my dear Holmes."
"And what do you infer from these stars?"
"Well, a number of things," he says, lighting his pipe:
Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars and planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I expect that the weather will be fine and clear.
Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and man, his creation, small and insignificant.
What about you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s73nz/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_go_on_a_camping_trip/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me handsome, I’d have exactly 1 dollar...

Thanks mom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s731z/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_called/
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The father says to his son: "I brought all your toys to the orphanage."

The son answers: "Why did you do this?!"
"So you don't get bored."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s72sl/the_father_says_to_his_son_i_brought_all_your/
%
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play a game of hide and seek.

It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton smiles and says "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s713a/einstein_newton_and_pascal_play_a_game_of_hide/
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If gay men were allowed in the army back in WWII, Saving Private Ryan would be a lot shorter...

Because there is no way it would take 3 hours for a group of gay men to find Matt Damon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s6ps9/if_gay_men_were_allowed_in_the_army_back_in_wwii/
%
I'll be at Barnes and Noble today signing books until 6

Or until the police kick me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s6oh1/ill_be_at_barnes_and_noble_today_signing_books/
%
A horse came into a bar.

No wait..... It was a donkey
.A horse came into a donkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s6g65/a_horse_came_into_a_bar/
%
I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass the other day...

I guess you could say that I've hit rock bottom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s6eyr/i_slapped_dwayne_johnsons_ass_the_other_day/
%
Little Johnny was practising the violin

in the living room, while his father was trying to read. The family dog was there too, and, on hearing the screeching sounds, began to howl. Johnny's father listened to the dog and the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper on the floor and yelled, "For God's sake Johnny, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s6d98/little_johnny_was_practising_the_violin/
%
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s69w9/one_night_as_a_couple_lays_down_for_bed_the/
%
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s66nm/a_man_just_attacked_me_with_cheese_and_milk/
%
A group of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter a beer...

By the seventh order the bartender asks them "is this some sort of a joke?"
The last mathematician explains "no, we just know our limits".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s665j/a_group_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a_bar_the/
%
Congress is shutting the government down

But have they tried turning it back on?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s63n8/congress_is_shutting_the_government_down/
%
My girlfriend is how I get through tough times.

Been dating her for 5 years and I always keep her picture in my  wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath I can survive anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s61x1/my_girlfriend_is_how_i_get_through_tough_times/
%
Have you heard the gossip about butter?

Actually, nah  I shouldn't spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s61h3/have_you_heard_the_gossip_about_butter/
%
Why did the walrus lick the envelope?

Because he was looking for a good seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s618o/why_did_the_walrus_lick_the_envelope/
%
Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof

He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5xkk/help_im_stuck_on_rick_astleys_roof/
%
I used to love my neighbors

Then they put a password on their wifi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5wxo/i_used_to_love_my_neighbors/
%
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Fair, a spokesman said

"We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5w9d/following_the_tragic_death_of_the_human/
%
What do you do when, during wartime, a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Catch it, pull out the pin, throw it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5vsb/what_do_you_do_when_during_wartime_a_blonde/
%
What do you call a crying snake?

A weptile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5vod/what_do_you_call_a_crying_snake/
%
I was attacked by a gang of mimes yesterday

They did unspeakable things to me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5rox/i_was_attacked_by_a_gang_of_mimes_yesterday/
%
A guy tells his friend,

“Man I think my wife may be dead…”
Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”
Guy: “Well in bed she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5oqc/a_guy_tells_his_friend/
%
What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a good year and the other is a great year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5oby/what_is_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365/
%
Why does Snape teach potions and not Herbology?

Because his Lily died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5nla/why_does_snape_teach_potions_and_not_herbology/
%
"911, what's your emergency?"

*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
**BANG**
*"Okay, what next?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5n5e/911_whats_your_emergency/
%
A Roman walks into a bar...

He holds up two fingers and says “five beers please”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5ln3/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.

I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5kw0/personally_i_think_that_tide_pods_are_even_better/
%
Why is UPS not good at telling jokes?

Because their delivery sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5koj/why_is_ups_not_good_at_telling_jokes/
%
I once told a racist joke in an elevator full of Asians..

It was wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5kcp/i_once_told_a_racist_joke_in_an_elevator_full_of/
%
I took my demolition working friend to a cheese tasting

He tried a bit of everything, and was amazed to how many different cheeses there are. His favorite cheese in the end was 'de brie'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5jkx/i_took_my_demolition_working_friend_to_a_cheese/
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You know the difference between a hippo and a zippo

Ones really heavy and the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5ht5/you_know_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a/
%
I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"
I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.
"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5hf1/i_just_made_love_to_my_girlfriend/
%
A Father from Iraq gave his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied

Thanks for the Baghdad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5eo8/a_father_from_iraq_gave_his_daughter_a_new_bag/
%
What's the difference between a Rabbi and a Priest?

Both have different rituals for 13 year old boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5dda/whats_the_difference_between_a_rabbi_and_a_priest/
%
Buzz feed steal so much content they should rename themselves

The Appropriated Press

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s5ce9/buzz_feed_steal_so_much_content_they_should/
%
Gin and jinn are pronounced the same way.

Both are spirits in a bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s595u/gin_and_jinn_are_pronounced_the_same_way/
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War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

Also up and down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s58zq/war_does_not_determine_who_is_right_only_who_is/
%
Fifteen years ago I asked my high school crush out on a date, and yesterday I asked her to marry me

Both times she said no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s56mz/fifteen_years_ago_i_asked_my_high_school_crush/
%
A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'
Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared..
To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake..
After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'
The husband put down his drink and said - 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s56mi/a_husband_and_his_wife_were_always_fighting_each/
%
We'll We'll We'll...

...if it isn't autocorrect...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s551r/well_well_well/
%
How is a hand grenade and your wife similar?

Take off the ring, and you lose your house and car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s539w/how_is_a_hand_grenade_and_your_wife_similar/
%
What is the difference

between a gun and a Feminist???
A Gun Actually Does Something when triggered
(I made it but I dunno if it has been posted before)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s525j/what_is_the_difference/
%
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection...

Except Up.
He’s never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s4yra/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
%
I was sitting at a bar last night

And this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.
I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?
I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s4s7t/i_was_sitting_at_a_bar_last_night/
%
Just started my own business selling John Lennon memorabilia on Ebay...

Imagine all the PayPal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s4ecp/just_started_my_own_business_selling_john_lennon/
%
There is a magic mirror that will make anyone who lies disappear.

First, an old lady stands before it and tells herself, "I think I look young." And *POOF* she vanishes.
Next, an ugly woman looks at her reflection and says, "I think I am beautiful." And *POOF* she also disappears.
Then, a blonde woman takes her turn with the mirror. "I think..." and *POOF* she's gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s45g9/there_is_a_magic_mirror_that_will_make_anyone_who/
%
I like my drinks the way I like my women...

White, russian. And disproportionately full of alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s406w/i_like_my_drinks_the_way_i_like_my_women/
%
My dog only listens to commands in Spanish.

He's Espanyol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s3yzx/my_dog_only_listens_to_commands_in_spanish/
%
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali...

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”
DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N.”
DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!”
The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”
DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E.”
DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s3yuq/a_radio_station_was_running_a_competition_words/
%
In the navy

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Navy fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.
He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried.
It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes.
Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Sailor, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s3wv4/in_the_navy/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic bank robber

He ran into the bank shouting
"air in the hands motherstickers this is a fuck up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s3td4/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_bank_robber/
%
Before I moved to the US, I used to prefer chicken to beef.

But that was hen and this is cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s3see/before_i_moved_to_the_us_i_used_to_prefer_chicken/
%
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The ceremony was long and boring, but the reception was great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s3r1u/did_you_hear_about_the_two_antennas_that_got/
%
You have two brains

One is on the right and one is on the left. On the left brain, there is nothing right. On the right brain, there is nothing left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s3o9l/you_have_two_brains/
%
What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s3kh8/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
%
My doctor told me "No heavy lifting."

Looks like I'll be sitting down to piss for a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s3hob/my_doctor_told_me_no_heavy_lifting/
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Pilot’s Message

After delivering a message over the plane’s loudspeaker, an airline pilot did not realize the microphone was still on. He looks over to the co-pilot and instructs, “Take over for a little bit, I’m going to take a shit and bang the flight attendant.” Outraged that the pilot had mistakenly relayed his message to everyone on the plane, the flight attendant bolts down the aisle of the plane towards the cockpit. To her dismay, she trips over an old lady’s leg who immediately reacts by saying, “Why the rush, dear? You heard the man say he had to take a shit first!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s3f6e/pilots_message/
%
As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...

"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"
"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s3dak/as_i_knelt_down_in_the_shoe_shop_with_a_pair_of/
%
Did you know that Helen Keller had a swing set in her back yard?

Neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s3cbp/did_you_know_that_helen_keller_had_a_swing_set_in/
%
Why is dating a Cleveland Browns fan the best?

Because she knows better than to expect a ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s3blo/why_is_dating_a_cleveland_browns_fan_the_best/
%
Some people told me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s3atc/some_people_told_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
Someone once said I was bad at analogies...

I said to them "that's like saying I'm bad at analogies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s36du/someone_once_said_i_was_bad_at_analogies/
%
The Minnesota Vikings walk into a bar

To watch the Super Bowl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s32xl/the_minnesota_vikings_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Actually it is more of a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s31i9/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
%
I hung around this really depressed Arab guy....

...he was really killing Mahmoud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s2xdj/i_hung_around_this_really_depressed_arab_guy/
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So...I got banned from laser tag today

Apparently you can’t use a knife to conserve ammo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s2q8f/soi_got_banned_from_laser_tag_today/
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Never get involved with a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s2oc9/never_get_involved_with_a_tennis_player/
%
A man woke up hungover

He asked his wife what happened last night.
She said angrily: “we went to the office party, you got drunker than hell, acted like a complete buffoon, yelled at me and denigrated your own BOSS”
“Serves him right that little scumbag. Piss on him” the man says.
“You did, and he fired you.”
“Screw him!” the man yells
The wife says “I did, you’re back to work on Monday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s2o1x/a_man_woke_up_hungover/
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Thanks for explaining the meaning of the word ‘plethora’ to me.

That means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s2mu0/thanks_for_explaining_the_meaning_of_the_word/
%
An American and Canadian walk into a bakery

The American ordered some Baked Alaska. The Canadian, however, was having Nunavut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s2mle/an_american_and_canadian_walk_into_a_bakery/
%
What fitness plan did Jesus manage to stick to?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s2lhf/what_fitness_plan_did_jesus_manage_to_stick_to/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s2kyj/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
The moon landings were faked…

But the director was such a perfectionist that he demanded they be filmed on location.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s2ioq/the_moon_landings_were_faked/
%
*Knock Knock*

Who's there?
Little boy blue.
Little boy blue who?
Kevin Spacey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s2i3h/knock_knock/
%
So a father and his daughter were in the toy aisle.

The daughter put a super hero mask on. The father asked "Are you thor?" The daughter immediately corrected him. "No, I'm five."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s2g5l/so_a_father_and_his_daughter_were_in_the_toy_aisle/
%
So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s2dsk/so_my_3_year_old_cousin_was_over_this_morning/
%
A man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss.

When the boss came, the story began.
- The client: Is room 39 empty?
- The boss: Yes, sir.
- The client: Can I book it?
- The boss: Of course you can.
- The client: Thank you.
Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a 39 centimetre long white thread and a 73 gram orange. The boss agreed, though he was surprised at the weird things the client asked to have. The client went into his room and he didn't ask for food or anything else. Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.
After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor. The boss didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise. In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first. He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table. The client paid the bill, gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel with a smile. The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.
After one year, the client showed up again and asked to see the boss. The boss was in a puzzle. The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, 39cm white thread and a 73g orange. This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started. This time they were louder and more indecipherable than the year before. Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face. The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask for room 39? Why the white thread? Why the black knife? In fact, the boss didn't come up with any convincing answer to any of these questions. The boss was now eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.
To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. He wanted to book the same room and to have the same things as before. The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before. In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
- ''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
- ''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
- ''Swear?''
- ''I swear I won't reveal your secret''
So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.
Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person, and to this day he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone, but don't worry. When he does, I will let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s2d5k/a_man_went_into_a_hotel_and_asked_to_see_the_boss/
%
Can you put a pin back in a grenade?

no really guys I need an answer ASAP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s29t7/can_you_put_a_pin_back_in_a_grenade/
%
Why was the guitar teacher fired?

For fingering A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s29mm/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_fired/
%
A guy asked his wife, honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror.

She replies, cuz your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s2590/a_guy_asked_his_wife_honey_why_do_i_always_get_a/
%
What do you call a group of pirate ships?

An Arrrrrmada

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s209b/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_pirate_ships/
%
(Told by a 7 year old reading me a joke off of her SpongeBob Gogurt) "What is Plankton's grandma's favorite type of pudding?"

"Not labeled for individual sale!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s1zch/told_by_a_7_year_old_reading_me_a_joke_off_of_her/
%
Why are students allowed to have a bible during testing?

It doesn't have any answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s1uph/why_are_students_allowed_to_have_a_bible_during/
%
Why is Switzerland so great?

Well, the flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s1u78/why_is_switzerland_so_great/
%
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s1snl/a_worldwide_survey_was_conducted_by_the_un/
%
I met a furry dominatrix with an amazing sound system

You wouldn't believe how many sub woofers she has.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s1o6m/i_met_a_furry_dominatrix_with_an_amazing_sound/
%
“Knock Knock” “Who is it?” “Dishes” “Dishes who”

Dishes a bad joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s1mkp/knock_knock_who_is_it_dishes_dishes_who/
%
I don't often tell dad jokes, but when I do

he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s1igb/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes_but_when_i_do/
%
What is a Mexican's favorite video game?

Borderlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s1ifd/what_is_a_mexicans_favorite_video_game/
%
I've just started up a dating site for chickens...

It's not my main job, I'm just doing it to make hens meet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s1d1s/ive_just_started_up_a_dating_site_for_chickens/
%
Why does the Antichrist have trouble getting drunk?

Because his wine always turns into water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s1bnm/why_does_the_antichrist_have_trouble_getting_drunk/
%
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician go camping.

They bring out a giant can of beans to eat but no one brought a can opener. The physicist says, "I know how we can open it, we can make a really hot fire and place the can in it. The internal pressure will rise and burst open the can." The mathematician says, "we can't do that, we'll lose half our beans that way!" The engineer chimes in, "I know what to do!" and quickly sets up a system of levers and pulleys. "We can drop this bolder on it and that will open the can." The mathematician says, "smashing it is the same problem! We'll lose half our beans that way." To which the others say, "Well, if you're so smart, what would you do?" The mathematician replies, "Well, first I would assume we had a can opener and then see what happens."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s1aqz/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_mathematician_go/
%
Did you hear about the woman whose boyfriend picked her up to 69 and then decided to jog at the same time?

It was a bit of a running gag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s18wq/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_whose_boyfriend/
%
I had a tough conversation with my parents

Dad: knock knock
Me: who's there?
Dad: water
Me: water who?
Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s175h/i_had_a_tough_conversation_with_my_parents/
%
Never try to share with a crab.

They're shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s15ug/never_try_to_share_with_a_crab/
%
Johnny

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
"That's right Susie, you can go home."
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
"That's right Mary, you can go."
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
"That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
When the teacher turns her back Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb bitches would keep their f*%$#@ mouths shut!"
The teacher quickly turns around and she is livid and asks: "WHO SAID THAT?!"
Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein, Bill Clinton, and Matt Lauer. I'll see you tomorrow”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s15lk/johnny/
%
Now Hiring

A guy walks by a bar and sees a sign in the window that says, 'Piano Player Wanted'. So he thinks to himself, "Shit, I play the piano, and I need a gig". So he goes inside to apply. He speaks to the manager and tells him, "I saw the sign in the window and would like to play at your fine establishment". The manager says, " Well, come over to the piano and play me a few tunes so I can see what you got". The guy sits down at the piano and plays one of the most beautiful pieces of music the manager has ever heard. The manager says, "That's a beautiful piece, what's the name of it"? "Oh, that's an original", the pianist replies, "I wrote it myself. I call it, 'Suck My Cock, You Dirty Whore'". The manager is surprised but keeps a straight face. He asks him to play another tune and the pianist plays another beautiful song. The manager says, "That's beautiful, what is the name of that one"? The pianist says, "That's another original I wrote. I call it, 'I'll Fuck You Up The Ass'". The owner says, "Okay, I'll hire you under one condition. If someone asks you the name of one of your songs, please don't tell them". The pianist agrees. That night he starts working and he's playing away on the piano and decides to take a bathroom break. As he's coming out of the restroom, a lady stops him and says, "Do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out"? To which he replies, "Do I know it? I fuckin' wrote that song!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s11cf/now_hiring/
%
Why are hospitals so cold?

To keep the vegetables fresh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s10um/why_are_hospitals_so_cold/
%
Two Irishmen are doing roadwork outside a brothel.

They see a rabbi approach.  The rabbi looks around carefully and then slips inside.
"Ah, would'ya look at that!" says one man to the other.  "A man o' the cloth even!  Damned shame..."
Shortly after this, a Protestant minister walks up to the brothel before surreptitiously going in.
"Outrageous!" the road worker says.  "No wonder our kids today are so confused!"
Finally, a Catholic priest approaches, looks over his shoulder, then darts in.
"Ah, will ya look at that!" says the road worker.  "One o' the poor lasses must be sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s0yke/two_irishmen_are_doing_roadwork_outside_a_brothel/
%
I was feeling very lonely so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s0uvr/i_was_feeling_very_lonely_so_i_bought_some_shares/
%
What does a statistician call all the dogs in the world?

A pupulation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s0rar/what_does_a_statistician_call_all_the_dogs_in_the/
%
A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbour:

“ Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology. It won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text:
“Really should use spell check more! That should be ‘wifi’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s0pah/a_guy_sends_a_text_to_his_nextdoor_neighbour/
%
I lost my voice today

I can't tell you how annoying it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s0np3/i_lost_my_voice_today/
%
Did you hear about the guy with copper wire?

Apparently he got arrested for misconduct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s0njy/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_copper_wire/
%
Two Cheese Trucks crashed into each other

De Brie went everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s0i35/two_cheese_trucks_crashed_into_each_other/
%
Stop dreaming about pizza delivery by drone.

It's a pie-in-the-sky idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s0i2n/stop_dreaming_about_pizza_delivery_by_drone/
%
Why is an elephant wrinkled

It won't fit on an ironing board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s0hqr/why_is_an_elephant_wrinkled/
%
I don’t often tell dad jokes

But when I do he always laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s0h4u/i_dont_often_tell_dad_jokes/
%
The Apple iPod says that 1 gig is enough for 250 songs.

But if I played 250 songs at a gig, the crowd would leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s0evo/the_apple_ipod_says_that_1_gig_is_enough_for_250/
%
I added Paul Walker on Xbox

But he spends all his time on the dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s0cpa/i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox/
%
A chimpanzee walks into a bar, sits down and slaps $100 cash down on the counter.

Immediately, the bartender begins chasing him around the bar, knocking over glasses of customers as the chimp laughs his ass off. This goes on for about 5 minutes. After they both tire, the chimp tips the bartender $50 and leaves. The bartender chuckles, and goes back to work as if nothing happened. One incredulous customer says “well you’re just going to pretend like that wasn’t absolutely ridiculous?”
Bartender says “well sure, but a little monkey business never hurt anyone”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s0cmc/a_chimpanzee_walks_into_a_bar_sits_down_and_slaps/
%
Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.
Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.
The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"
There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.
“Sorry about that” says Jack. “I just dragged him ‘round to 1 Oak Street”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s0c2p/jack_calls_an_ambulance_for_his_friend_who_has/
%
What do you call a snake's house?

An anacondo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s09yp/what_do_you_call_a_snakes_house/
%
What's red and slippery?

A slipper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7s018n/whats_red_and_slippery/
%
And god said come forth and revive eternal life ...

But he came fifth and won a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rzsze/and_god_said_come_forth_and_revive_eternal_life/
%
Why does Superman hate trading Bitcoin after 7pm?

Because it's Crypto-night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rzsrs/why_does_superman_hate_trading_bitcoin_after_7pm/
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Bubba and Cooter sign up for college courses

Bubba goes into the counselors office first. The school counselor offers Bubba several different courses including logic 101....
Bubba:What is logic?
Counselor: Well, let me give you an example! Do you own a weed eater?
Bubba: Yup.
Counselor: Then I can assume logically that you must have a yard!
Bubba: Yup! I sure do!
Counselor: And if you have a yard, then you must have a house!
Redneck: YUP! I do! This is amazing!
Counselor: And there for if you have a house, you're probably married.
Bubba: WOW! Betty Sue... this is incredible!
Bubba: I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
-Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.-
Cooter: So, what classes are ya takin'
Bubba: Math, history, and logic
Cooter: What the heck's logic?
Bubba: Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?
Cooter: No.
Bubba: You're queer, ain't ya?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rzpjo/bubba_and_cooter_sign_up_for_college_courses/
%
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rzkal/the_car_wont_start_said_a_wife_to_her_husband/
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Two black guys walk down a street.

one has 98 cents and 1 has a dollar. They spot a sign that says, "we can turn you white for 99 cents." So they make a plan where the guy with the dollar will go in. Then when he comes out he will give the penny to the other guy so he can do it too. So the guy goes in with the dollar. When he comes out he looks amazingly white! His buddy says "Oh man that looks amazing, give me your penny!" The newly white man replies, "get a job nigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rzg26/two_black_guys_walk_down_a_street/
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Now that Bob's retired from the cloning lab...

he doesn't know what to do with himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rzei8/now_that_bobs_retired_from_the_cloning_lab/
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Why did the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships?

So they could scan da Navy in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rzd6x/why_did_the_norwegian_navy_put_barcodes_on_their/
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Isn’t it funny how many building engineers won’t include a thirteenth floor

Yet book publishers don’t seem afraid to have a chapter eleven...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rz9ii/isnt_it_funny_how_many_building_engineers_wont/
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A local cartoonists studio has burnt down.

Police say that details are sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rz5t5/a_local_cartoonists_studio_has_burnt_down/
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I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.

I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
All he said was, "I cum in peas"..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rz4xf/i_found_an_alien_masturbating_in_my_freezer_last/
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A man walks into a bar, gets way too drunk, and ends up puking all over his shirt.

He says "Shit. If I go home like this, my wife is gonna be pissed."
The bartender tells him "Here's what you do. Put a 10 dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell her that some drunk guy puked on you, and he felt so bad that he gave you 10 dollars so you could get your shirt cleaned."
The man says "Wow, that's a really good idea. That's exactly what I'll do."
So the man eventually goes home, his wife sees him, and she asks what the hell happened.
The man tells her the story about some drunk guy puking on him and giving him 10 dollars to clean his shirt since he felt bad.
His wife says "Ok, but why is there *twenty* dollars in your pocket?"
The man says "Oh yea, i forgot. He also shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rz1o6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_gets_way_too_drunk_and/
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What's the difference between the morgue and the brothel?

The morgue is cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ryyz0/whats_the_difference_between_the_morgue_and_the/
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My wife told me to stop singing wonderwall

I said maybe..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ryyvt/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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A nervous looking young man walks into a drug store

. He walks up to the counter and mutters, "Uh... hi... I'd like to buy some... condoms."
Cashier replies, "sure thing! That'll be $9.75 including tax."
The young man starts to panic and says, "Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ryn3y/a_nervous_looking_young_man_walks_into_a_drug/
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Never underestimate a hoe's ability to do arithmetic.

Because its the thot that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rygsn/never_underestimate_a_hoes_ability_to_do/
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I met a beautiful girl down at the park today

Sparks flew, she fell right at my feet, and we ended up having sex right there.
I fucking love my new Taser!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ryf19/i_met_a_beautiful_girl_down_at_the_park_today/
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The Old Man and the Ferrari

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the banker proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!
"What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rycge/the_old_man_and_the_ferrari/
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I booked a session with a professional insulter.

It was a dis appointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ry77i/i_booked_a_session_with_a_professional_insulter/
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A feminist group asked me how I view lesbians.

Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ry4uj/a_feminist_group_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbians/
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I said to my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm a dog

He said, "get on the couch please."
I said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ry0s4/i_said_to_my_psychiatrist_i_keep_thinking_im_a_dog/
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Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my picture in it. Guess I am...

Independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rxlwk/turned_18_today_so_i_bought_a_locket_and_put_my/
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My friend said he was into Latin

I said me too. Guess we have a Latin common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rxl9u/my_friend_said_he_was_into_latin/
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Why is the tower of Pisa tilted?

Because it had better reflexes than the Twin Towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rxk90/why_is_the_tower_of_pisa_tilted/
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The one thing I find difficult about being an atheist

is that I have no one to talk to during an orgasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rxgi1/the_one_thing_i_find_difficult_about_being_an/
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What happened to the man who tried to blow up a bus?

He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rxfu9/what_happened_to_the_man_who_tried_to_blow_up_a/
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Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rxcqw/scientist_my_findings_are_meaningless_if_taken/
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President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rx69a/president_donald_trump_and_his_motorcade_are/
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Why is being Steven Hawking so great?

Because he never gets nervous...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rx4ck/why_is_being_steven_hawking_so_great/
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My wife screeched at me, "What's this pile of clothes doing on the floor!?"

I whispered, "It's a dead Jedi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rx2p1/my_wife_screeched_at_me_whats_this_pile_of/
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Lancelot and Galahad walk into a Travelodge.

Lancelot says, "We'd like a room for two knights, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rwwom/lancelot_and_galahad_walk_into_a_travelodge/
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A blind prostitute told me that I have a big penis.

Turns out that she was just pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rwvr9/a_blind_prostitute_told_me_that_i_have_a_big_penis/
%
How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rwuz5/how_do_you_kill_a_circus/
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Why did the hedgehog cross the road ?

To see his flat mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rwrn9/why_did_the_hedgehog_cross_the_road/
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A man walks up to the pearly white gates of heaven

God looks down on him and speaks.
“We don’t know of anything particularily good or bad you have done in your lifetime, so it is up to you to tell us a story that will persuade us in a certain direction whether it be heaven or hell.”
The man looks up shakingly and responds with a story.
“One day when I was driving down a rural freeway, I saw a gang beating up a sensless child. Feeling brave, I popped my collar, put my sunglasses on and parked the car. Running out to them, I yelled ‘If you want to hurt him you’ll have to go through me first’ “
God smiled down on the man and asked.
“When was this?”
The man replied.
“Around 5 minutes ago.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rwlit/a_man_walks_up_to_the_pearly_white_gates_of_heaven/
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Donald Trump was recently asked "Do you know the difference between Sunni and Shia?"

He replied "I don't know which is which but I loved their song 'I got you babe'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rwl0w/donald_trump_was_recently_asked_do_you_know_the/
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What happens when there is an earthquake in Africa?

Djibouti shakes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rwgoe/what_happens_when_there_is_an_earthquake_in_africa/
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How do you resuscitate a fish?

SeaPR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rwfcq/how_do_you_resuscitate_a_fish/
%
When I get nervous on stage people say "imagine the audience naked"

But that just makes it harder for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rwf6v/when_i_get_nervous_on_stage_people_say_imagine/
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My penis is like a Rubik's cube...

In the hands of an Asian child, it can be finished in under a minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rwcar/my_penis_is_like_a_rubiks_cube/
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What do you call a gay, black dinosaur?

A Tyrone-o-sore-ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rwbh1/what_do_you_call_a_gay_black_dinosaur/
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How many Donald Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We will never know because after he screws something he pays it $130,000 not to tell anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rw80z/how_many_donald_trumps_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence...

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move, in the hope that he would just go away.
Then, he decided to look through the window and shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in, buddy!!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rw4zs/a_policeman_knocked_on_my_door_this_morning_but_i/
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A book fell on my head today...

I can only blame myshelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rw41l/a_book_fell_on_my_head_today/
%
What are you in the bathroom?

European.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rw3vb/what_are_you_in_the_bathroom/
%
I asked my gym teacher if it was normal to get an erection in the shower, and he said it was.

So then I asked him to at least stop rubbing it on my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rvv41/i_asked_my_gym_teacher_if_it_was_normal_to_get_an/
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Aliens suckered humans into making mass temples

It was the first pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rvull/aliens_suckered_humans_into_making_mass_temples/
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A pun, a play on words, and a double entendre walk into a bar...

No joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rvuak/a_pun_a_play_on_words_and_a_double_entendre_walk/
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How do you make a bad egg joke?

Just give it a crack...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rvtlk/how_do_you_make_a_bad_egg_joke/
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A camel meets an elephant.

The elephant asks jokingly:
“Why do you have two breasts on your back?”
The camel replies:
“With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rvt69/a_camel_meets_an_elephant/
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An old woman lives in a nursing home.

One day she takes off all of her clothes, puts on a cape, and runs through the halls yelling "Suuuuuuuper Pussyyyy!"
A nurse hears her and walks her back to her room. Once there she takes her cape off, puts her clothes back on, and lays her down in bed. As soon as the nurse is gone, however, she strips again and reaffixes her cape. She runs through the halls once more shouting "Suuuuuuper Pussyyyy!" at the top of her lungs.
The nurse hears her, walks her back to her room, removes her cape and puts her clothes on. She tells her to please stay in her room for the rest of the day, or else she'll be in trouble.
As soon as the nurse is gone however, she tears her clothes off, puts her cape back on, and takes off running for the hall. As she turns the corner she runs into an old man. She throws her arms up over her head and cries at the top of her lungs "Suuuuuuuuper Pussyyyyy!"
The old man looks up and down her naked body a few times and says "I'll take the soup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rvs4x/an_old_woman_lives_in_a_nursing_home/
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Hey, dad.

"Dad, is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless under the circumstances?"
"Yes, son, yes there is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rvpks/hey_dad/
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What should you eat while reading a thesaurus?

Synonym Rolls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rvjha/what_should_you_eat_while_reading_a_thesaurus/
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I just opened an explosive prayer mat business.

Prophets are through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rvhn1/i_just_opened_an_explosive_prayer_mat_business/
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What do Tide Pods taste like?

Natural Selection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rvgm1/what_do_tide_pods_taste_like/
%
Look, if it's an illegitimate President...

the government has a way of shutting that whole thing down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rvdk0/look_if_its_an_illegitimate_president/
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My sister told me that she’s allergic to water

I told her, “You’re full of it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rvaaq/my_sister_told_me_that_shes_allergic_to_water/
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Two leprechaun men are going door to door...

To every monastery in every county. They reach the first monestary and knock on the door.
The first one says to the priest, "Father, do you have any leprechaun nuns here?"
The priest replies "no, sorry, I've never seen a leprechaun nun before"
They hear that same answer everywhere they go. They reach the last monestary in all of Ireland. They knock on the door.
The first one says to the priest Father, do you have any leprechaun nuns here?"
The priest replies "no, My child. There is no such thing as a leprechaun nun"
The second leprechaun turns to the first and says,
"See? I told ya you fucked a penguin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rv7s1/two_leprechaun_men_are_going_door_to_door/
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A doctor is seeing a patient.

A doctor is giving a female patient a routine physical. At one point, he needs to examine the woman’s chest. He asks her to remove her top, and notices a large red “H” on her chest.
He asks her “What’s with the ‘H’ on your chest?” She responds by saying “My boyfriend was accepted into Harvard and he always wears his hoodie, even during sex, the color must have rubbed off.”
The doctor thinks that’s a bit unusual, but continues the exam and sends her home.
Later, he’s seeing another female patient, and also must examine her chest. Upon removing her top, the doctor notices a large blue “Y” on her chest. The doctor questions her, and she responds by saying “My boyfriend just got accepted into Yale, and he always wears his hoodie, even during sex, and the color must have worn off.”  The doctor proceeds with the exam, and sends her home as well.
The doctor had one final patient for the day, and goes through the physical as usual, and upon examining her chest, he sees a large “M”. He asks her “Do you happen to have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?”
She says “No, but I do have a girlfriend who just got accepted into Wisconsin - Why do you ask?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rv6b9/a_doctor_is_seeing_a_patient/
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A little late to the party here, but for my New Year's resolution, I decided to dedicate more time to my step machine.

I never knew my real machine. 😢

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rv46h/a_little_late_to_the_party_here_but_for_my_new/
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My math teacher asked me if I was any good at rounding

"Meh" I replied "more or less"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rv33v/my_math_teacher_asked_me_if_i_was_any_good_at/
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What do you call a Vampire whose car broke down three miles from a bloodbank?

A cab!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rv2pq/what_do_you_call_a_vampire_whose_car_broke_down/
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When I was young, my parents made me walk the plank..

We were too poor for a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rv1yt/when_i_was_young_my_parents_made_me_walk_the_plank/
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People from Maine are so self-centered

All their T-Shirts and mugs say "I ❤️ ME"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rut43/people_from_maine_are_so_selfcentered/
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Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club

But I'm sure I never met herbivore..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rusnh/today_a_girl_said_she_recognized_me_from/
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R/jokes

Three Veterans were gathered around a campfire during a vacation after their tours ended.  They tried to regale each other with tales of valor.  Each attempted to outdo the other.
The Army Ranger talked of his many kills in Afghanistan and how he once picked off a Taliban sniper at 1000 meters.  The British special forces vet told tales of clearing mujahadin safe houses in Basra with nothing more than a pistol and a combat knife.
The Navy Seal listened to all their stories, silently nodded, and continued to stir the coals with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rurur/rjokes/
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Genie: "And what will your 3rd wish be?"

Me: slamming down my fork after my second piece of cheesecake. "TAKE A WILD FUCKING GUESS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ruqsn/genie_and_what_will_your_3rd_wish_be/
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Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous...

... I see a few new faces here and I have to admit, I’m disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ruqmx/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts_anonymous/
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An Odd Tale

There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ruq6p/an_odd_tale/
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Two fish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says,"You man the guns, I’ll drive".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rumll/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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The bastard frog love child of Mick Jagger

On a wild drunken night after one of his gigs, Mick Jagger gets involved in a really kinky and depraved orgy. Amongst the participants that crazy  night was a party loving groupie frog called Freya.
A couple of months later, Freya noticed that one of her new little tadpoles was quite different to the others; he had big lips and he loved to sing. She named him Micky in honour of his father.
Micky grew into a fine frog and it wasn’t long until he needed to leave his mothers pond and find a nice lily pad of his own. So he sets off into town to try to find a mortgage.
The first bank he comes across is a branch of the Bank of Ireland. He goes inside and is greeted by Paddywack the banks mortgage advisor.
Paddywack quickly explains that they do not deal with frogs, Micky tells him that he is not just a normal frog but he is in fact, the bastard love child of Mick Jagger. Whilst impressed, Paddywack says that even so, what could the frog possibly put up as collateral on the deal?
Micky quickly reaches into his little bag and pulls out a small wooden carved elephant and offers it to Paddywack, he looks at it, confused and asks what it is.
Micky can’t believe that he does not know what it is and angrily insists that it should suffice for the down payment.
Paddywack says he will have to speak to his manager, Patrick, to seek advice, so he calls him over. He then proceeds to explain the situation,
‘So this frog comes in asking for a mortgage to buy a new lily pad, he says he is the bastard love child of Mick Jagger and he has offered me this as collateral and I don’t even know what it is’, says Paddywack as he hands the little carved elephant to his boss.
Patrick looks at Micky, then at the little carved elephant and then stares hard at Paddywack and says........
........’ it’s a knick knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rul9b/the_bastard_frog_love_child_of_mick_jagger/
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Whenever I get into my friend’s car, I find him difficult to understand.

He starts speaking in a Hyundai Accent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rukrg/whenever_i_get_into_my_friends_car_i_find_him/
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I like my coffee like i like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rujxq/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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What's the hardest part about getting twenty one year olds drunk?

Slipping the booze into their baby bottles without the parents noticing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ruj44/whats_the_hardest_part_about_getting_twenty_one/
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what has a beak but doesn't peck, a wing but doesn't fly and a feet but doesn't walk?

a dead bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rui60/what_has_a_beak_but_doesnt_peck_a_wing_but_doesnt/
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My girlfriends hot sister

A man who was very close to proposing to his girlfriend was on his way from work when he received a phone call from his girlfriend.
“Hey honey can you please meet at my sisters place for dinner tonight”?
The man agreed and drove over to his girlfriends sisters house. Now this wasn’t out of the ordinary the sister had divorced several months earlier due to a cheating husband. So they had been spending time helping her settle in and keep her company. It was hard to imagine why the husband cheated on her in the first place causing the divorce.  She was in her mid twenty’s and incredibly stunning. She had beautiful blue eyes. Perfect teeth. She had a great job as a nurse. Honestly the man sometime caught himself fantasizing about his girlfriends extremely attractive sister.
When he arrived he noticed his girlfriends car was not there but in the front window stood her sister. For a brief second he thought he saw a quick flash of her breasts but when he double took she was waving him in.
When he knocked she answered the door in red high heels a low cut shirt and a very very short skirt.
“Come sit down in the kitchen” she instructed “do you want anything to drink”.
The man nodded.
When she went to grab a beer from the fridge she bent down her skirt lifting up revealing a very sexy red thong that matched her heels. Her butt was the nicest he ever saw. She glanced over and he quickly looked away.
She walked up and beer in hand and said “listen I know you saw my ass and I know you want it. My sister called and said she won’t be here for another 40 minutes. I’m going to go upstairs. Finish this beer and come up there and fuck me hard”
After she left the man sat their and finished his beer quickly. He walked out to his car and got in. Not more than 15 seconds after he got in he received a phone call from his girlfriend
“Oh my god honey I’m so proud of you! I am so so sorry I put My sister and you up to this. I had to make sure you weren’t going to be a cheating rotten Liar like my sisters ex husband so I had to divise this horrible test and you passed”!
After the phone call the man sat their shocked and began to chuckle.
“Thank god I leave condoms in my wallet and thank God I left it in my truck”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ruhg7/my_girlfriends_hot_sister/
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Why wasn't the little poo sad when he didn't win gold or silver at the poolympics?

He was happy with turd place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ruh02/why_wasnt_the_little_poo_sad_when_he_didnt_win/
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A trucker gets lost one day and as luck would have it, he comes to low bridge and gets stuck under it...cars are backed up for miles behind him....

Eventually, a cop car pulls up, the officer gets out and walks up, laughing hysterically and pointing at the trucker.
He puts his hands on his hips and says with a chuckle, "Got stuck, eh?"
The trucker replies, "No sir, not at all, you see, I was delivering this bridge when I ran out of gas..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rugty/a_trucker_gets_lost_one_day_and_as_luck_would/
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Toast of the Night

Dave O'Reilly was in the pub one night. When time came to give toasts, he hoisted his whiskey and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
Dave said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, me dear Davey that is very nice indeed!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Dave's drinking buddies, Frank Feldman on the street corner.
FranK chuckled leeringly and said,
"Dave won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rue72/toast_of_the_night/
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A man walks into a brothel with $100

He comes out with $200 and shows his friends.
"How did you make money in a brothel?" his friends ask.
"It turns out if you can give one of the pros working there an orgasm they'll pay you" he brags.
Over the next few weeks his friends try their hands at it over and over again, but they never succeed in making any money.
Finally one of his friends says "I give up I've spent all my money. You must be a sex PhD."
The man says "Sex PhD just what it says on my business card. But I don't really have a degree I just own this brothel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rucml/a_man_walks_into_a_brothel_with_100/
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The reason girls don't like guys under 6 feet

It's hard to have a conversation with dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ru8be/the_reason_girls_dont_like_guys_under_6_feet/
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So a Man visits r/jokes in 2025

All he sees are just numbers on posts. Confused he asked the admin why was that. The admin replied " We have been through every single joke in the world so now we are just replacing the entire jokes with numbers." After hearing this he decides to make a post. He typed in a random string of numbers and goes on with his day.
The next day he visits reddit and that post was the top post on r/all. Confused he asked the admin what was going on and the admin replied: no one had heard that one before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ru3gh/so_a_man_visits_rjokes_in_2025/
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A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building:

“Mr. Tepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-Room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?”
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.
Two months later the guy news his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny - I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
The neighbor smiles and replies, “Yeah, so did we.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rtvys/a_guy_asks_his_neighbor_in_an_apartment_building/
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Had to go to the Doctor...

to get a mole removed from the end of my cock.  That's the last time I fuck one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rtvxp/had_to_go_to_the_doctor/
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I really love being a trophy husband

I just wish I wasn't a participation trophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rtvnq/i_really_love_being_a_trophy_husband/
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Me reading ScienceMag: It's impossible to feel happiness and fury simultaneously.

Girlfriend: "You know... - Out of all your brothers, your dick is the biggest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rtv3j/me_reading_sciencemag_its_impossible_to_feel/
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Should English be the only official language of the EU?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
---
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
---
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
---
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
---
#Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
---
Wow! Thank you for the gold, kind strangers :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rttrt/should_english_be_the_only_official_language_of/
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Drunk driving

A drunk guy was driving home on the wrong side of the road. His wife saw the scene live on TV and in horror rushed to call him: "Hello?! Are you driving home? Be careful, there is a madman driving on the wrong side of the road!". He replies: "I know, there isn't only one, there are hundreds!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rtma1/drunk_driving/
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What kind of meat does a priest eat on Friday?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rtllk/what_kind_of_meat_does_a_priest_eat_on_friday/
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Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations...

The question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure:
* In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant...
* In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant...
* In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant...
* In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant...
* In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant...
* In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant...
* And in the USA, they didn't know what "rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rtkym/last_month_a_worldwide_survey_was_conducted_by/
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Yea I think I’m pretty deep in the friend zone

I went over to this girl’s house and her dad said, “What the hell, I didn’t know you had a brother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rtkyh/yea_i_think_im_pretty_deep_in_the_friend_zone/
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What is the title for a movie about a man who is going to get his vasectomy reversed?

Scrotal Recall!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rtibz/what_is_the_title_for_a_movie_about_a_man_who_is/
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NSFW: My boss was complaining about me working too hard.

Guess I have to stop watching porn at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rth5y/nsfw_my_boss_was_complaining_about_me_working_too/
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Beethoven to his audience:

Beethoven: Make some noise for the next symphony
Audience: YEAAAAAAAAA!!!
Beethoven: I can't hear you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rtgb9/beethoven_to_his_audience/
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A woman lost so much menstrual blood she ended up unconscious for several weeks in a hospital.

I hate it when I intend a period but end up with a coma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rt8yi/a_woman_lost_so_much_menstrual_blood_she_ended_up/
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I farted in an Apple store and everyone got pissed

It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rt8b5/i_farted_in_an_apple_store_and_everyone_got_pissed/
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When Beethoven passed away, [Long]

He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rt3bz/when_beethoven_passed_away_long/
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The company next door had to close after losing all customers and their new CEO was fired

Apparently Open House is not the thing to do for someone specialized in security services

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rt2c2/the_company_next_door_had_to_close_after_losing/
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What do you call a grumpy german?

Sourkraut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rst5x/what_do_you_call_a_grumpy_german/
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Electric engineer exam

3 students are getting prepared for the exam.
The teacher calls one in.
Teacher: Do you mind the neon lighting?
First sudent: No.
Teacher: Get out please!
Calls in the next one.
Teacher: Do you mind the neon lighting?
Second student: Yes.
Teacher: Get out please!
Calls in the last.
Teacher: Do you mind the neon lighting?
Last student: It's an argon lamp.
Teacher: Finally! We can start now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rst3f/electric_engineer_exam/
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Uh-oh. I think the object of my desires suspects something.

She's just changed her wireless ID to: *Hey, you in the tree, I've called the police.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rssaa/uhoh_i_think_the_object_of_my_desires_suspects/
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Paddys wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors...

After tests the Doctor suggests Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex.
Paddy refuses to buy a fan and gets his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex.
After 20 minutes still no orgasm, so his friend suggests a swap. 'I'll fuck her and you waft the towel.'
Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.
Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says 'and that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rsprk/paddys_wife_has_never_had_an_orgasm_so_they_go_to/
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Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rsons/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
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There is a reason why I store the soap away when I sing in the shower

Otherwise it would be a soap opera

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rshq2/there_is_a_reason_why_i_store_the_soap_away_when/
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In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

..Everything else was made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rseyv/in_the_beginning_god_created_the_heavens_and_the/
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What do you call a theatrical performance about the dictionary?

A play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rsdfz/what_do_you_call_a_theatrical_performance_about/
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On the benches by the nursing home.

An elderly man and woman lived in the same nursing home. The  man liked this woman very much. So one day, he asks if they could sit together outside on the benches.
They sat there every day for about 3 weeks.Finally, the old man builds up enough courage to ask the woman if she would hold his penis. "All you have to do is hold it, that’s all."  The woman agrees to it.
They sit at the benches every day for about 2 more weeks with her holding his penis every time. Then one day the elderly woman walks outside and finds that he’s not at their usual spot . She gets curious and goes looking for him. She finds him on another bench with another woman, and she too is holding his manhood. Later that day she angrily asks him, "I saw you with that other woman! What does she have that I don’t?"
The elderly man smiles and says,
“Parkinsons".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rsb38/on_the_benches_by_the_nursing_home/
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North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won’t win.

Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rsacz/north_korea_is_participating_in_the_olympics_this/
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A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower.

The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. Bishop: "Ok, show me your plan."
The hunchback runs and jumps at the bell, striking it with his head. Sure enough, he rings the bell. The bishop asks him, "How did you learn to ring the bell like this?" The hunchback replies, "Actually, I first learned on the guitar," and walks over to a guitar on the wall and starts banging his head on it, and Lo! Beautiful music comes out.
So despite his misgivings, the bishop hired the hunchback to ring the bell.
Every day the hunchback comes in and rings the bell. One day, the hunchback decides to try to ring the bell louder. He goes to the farthest corner of the tower, and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. When he jumps up and hits it with his head, the bell rings clear and loud. Unfortunately, the hunchback hit the bell so hard he's a little groggy. He staggers around a bit, and falls out a window to the street below.
A crowd gathers around the hunchback's mangled body lying in the street; the bishop goes out to investigate the commotion.
The policeman arrives and again asks: "Who is this guy?" The bishop replies: "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rs87u/a_bishop_advertises_a_job_to_ring_the_bell_in_his/
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The old cheese factory across town recently exploded.

De brie was everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rs6wu/the_old_cheese_factory_across_town_recently/
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Why don't cows wear shoes?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rs6lg/why_dont_cows_wear_shoes/
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rs2ud/a_new_teacher_was_trying_to_make_use_of_her/
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"I got an F in arithmetic."

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rryvu/i_got_an_f_in_arithmetic/
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I once heard a joke about the Nintendo Wii

It wasn't really funny but I still nunchuckled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rru11/i_once_heard_a_joke_about_the_nintendo_wii/
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What do you call wealthy birds?

Bourgeese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rrs1m/what_do_you_call_wealthy_birds/
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Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."

Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rrry0/mother_sweetie_make_a_christmas_wish/
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What do you say to a communist who is taking too much time at the counter?

"Oye, quit Stalin the line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rrp7r/what_do_you_say_to_a_communist_who_is_taking_too/
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God’s personal assistant asks him: “I finished the animal you wanted me to do.”

He replies: “Great Work! Let’s call it the human.
Oh, and one last thing. Add a little toe.”
“Why?”
“It’s for the furniture.”
“For the what?”
“Trust me. This is going to be funny.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rrp2u/gods_personal_assistant_asks_him_i_finished_the/
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40 Cents

There was a country family who had struggled with poverty all their lives.  Then the daughter got married to the wealthiest bachellor of the nearest town.
All of a sudden their lives started to improve.  The husband employed all the wife’s siblings, his company started to buy the family ranch’s produce and everything seemed to change for good.
About a year after the marriage, the daughter came to her family’s ranch house and told them that she wanted to get a divorce.  Shocked they asked why.
- He only wants to screw me on the butt- said the woman.  - See, when we got married, my butt hole was the size of a dime.  Now it looks like a Kennedy half dollar.
Her father replied: - well honey, we are not gonna get cranky about 40 cents, are we?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rrosm/40_cents/
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Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?

They don't have balls to scratch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rrmfv/why_do_girls_rub_their_eyes_in_the_morning/
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It’s their 50th anniversary and Mary walks into the bedroom wearing a seethrough nightie.

“John “, my darling”, she says seductively. “Do you remember on our wedding night I wore this exact same outfit?”
John says “yes, I remember”
“And do you remember what you said when I first came out of the bathroom and you saw me wearing this?”
“Yes I told you I was going to fuck your brains out and suck the life out of those tits”
“And so what do you have to say now, 50 years later to the day seeing me wear it again?”
“Mission accomplished”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rrlmo/its_their_50th_anniversary_and_mary_walks_into/
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An American is visiting London for the first time

As he's walking around he notices a long line forming on the distance. Curious as to what's going on he gets in the back of the line and asks the man in front of him "So what's the deal with this line?"
The Brit promptly replay with a firm
"Fuck you"
This caught the American off guard. Flabbergasted, the American let's out a quick
"Fuck off chip muncher" before pushing ahead through the line.
About halfway into the line he decides to ask someone else what's going on at the front of the line.
He asks the closest person to him and gets another "Fuck you" as a response.
Furious at this point the American forces his way to the front of the line where he's greeted by an old Vietnamese man.
"What's the deal with this line old man?" The American barked.
"Oh this?" The old man looked past the American.
"This is just a queue for my Pho stand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rr82v/an_american_is_visiting_london_for_the_first_time/
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There is an upside to eating Tide Pods....

It takes the skid marks out of your underwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rr441/there_is_an_upside_to_eating_tide_pods/
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Two statues, a man and woman, had stood watch in a park for along time.

One day, an angel came down and told the statues, "You two have stood watch in this park for so long and have been such exemplary statues, as a reward, I will snap my fingers, and you two will come to life for 30 minutes." The angel snapped his fingers, and the two statues blinked to life.
"What do we do now?" Asked the female statue.
"You can do whatever you want for the next 30 minutes."
The male statue looked at the woman and smiled, the woman looked coyly at the man, they took hands and walked into the bushes. The angel sat on a bench and could hear giggling and rustling sounds coming from the bushes.
After about 15 minutes, they came out with very satisfied looks on their faces. The angel checked his watch and said, "you've still got about 15 minutes."
The woman's eyes brightened, and she looked excitedly at her male partner.
"That's fantastic! This time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on his head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rr3ll/two_statues_a_man_and_woman_had_stood_watch_in_a/
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I used to hate my hair

But it's growing on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rr2kw/i_used_to_hate_my_hair/
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Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?

Welcome to the shutdown...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rr1zf/remember_in_monopoly_when_some_insufferable_kids/
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A guy asks a girl to the carnival.

She says yes! So they meet up and head out for their date.
He wasn't the only one with this idea. There were so many people there that there were lines around the block to get in.
When they were finally admitted, they wanted to go on some rides. So they found the Ferris wheel line and waited an hour to ride it.
After they disembarked, they wanted to go on another ride, so they found the bumper car line and waited in that.
After riding the bumper cars, they wanted to go on yet another ride so they found the line for the merry-go-round and waited in that.
Then they decided they wanted food, so the couple got in line to get corn dogs.
After purchasing them, they got in line for popcorn.
After eating the corn dogs and popcorn, they were both very thirsty, and decided to get some punch.
But there was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqxze/a_guy_asks_a_girl_to_the_carnival/
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I’m too cheap to rent a parachute

I prefer free falling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqxmo/im_too_cheap_to_rent_a_parachute/
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I usually don't read long jokes, but when I do

I don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqx4a/i_usually_dont_read_long_jokes_but_when_i_do/
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Genie: Tell Me, Whats Your First Wish?

Thomas: I Wish I Was Rich.
Genie: Granted, What's Your Second Wish?
Rich: Where The Fuck Is My Money Asshole?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqvhl/genie_tell_me_whats_your_first_wish/
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What's it called when you water down your shampoo to get that last little bit out of the bottom?

Shampee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqsc5/whats_it_called_when_you_water_down_your_shampoo/
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A Texan meets a Havard grad. Curious, he asks:

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqs3h/a_texan_meets_a_havard_grad_curious_he_asks/
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People complain about Game of Thrones having a lot of incest...

...but Bran could have broken his arms instead of his legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqs0w/people_complain_about_game_of_thrones_having_a/
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The results for “The Disaster Artist” are in.

Overall, it’s received Hi Marks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqr6u/the_results_for_the_disaster_artist_are_in/
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The other day, while I was in the car with my girlfriend, I reached down and turned on her butt warmer.

She asked me, “What are you doing?”
I said, “Just heating up dinner.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqnje/the_other_day_while_i_was_in_the_car_with_my/
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One crazy irish hunting trip

A solicitor from Dublin, while hunting in the West, brought down a fowl which landed in a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the wall to retrieve the bird, the elderly owner appeared asking what he was doing. The litigator replied, "I shot that bird y'see lyin there, and now I'm about to pick it up."
The old man answered, "This is my property yer crossin into, and I'm tellin you, yer not coming over."
The indignant attorney said, "I'll have you know that I'm one of the best solicitors in all of Ireland, and if you don't let me retrieve my bird, I'll take ye to court for everything y'own!"
The old farmer looked him over and said, "Well now, being as how you're not from around here, you don't know how we settle things like this. Y'see now, here we use the three-kick method."
"And what would that be?", asked the lawyer. The farmer said, "First I kick you three times and then you do the same to me, and back and forth like that till one or the other gives up."
The attorney thought this over, and quickly decided he could easily take the old codger, and agreed to the local custom. The old farmer walked slowly over to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy boot in the solicitor's groin dropping him to his knees. The second blow nearly wiped the lawyers nose off his face. The attorney was flat on the ground when the farmer's third kick to the kidney almost finished him.
The lawyer dug deep for his every bit of will, dragged himself standing, and said, "Okay you old bugger, now it's my turn. The old farmer just smiled and said, "Naw I believe I'll give up now. You can have the bird."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqm9d/one_crazy_irish_hunting_trip/
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Prof to the student: Did you study geography?

Student: Yes sir.
Prof: so, tell me, where is Kentucky?
Student: At page 35 prof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rql6n/prof_to_the_student_did_you_study_geography/
%
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqjxr/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
%
My son entered the bathroom during my morning shower time.

Soon, we had that awkward "Why is *yours* bigger than *mine*?"-conversation...
He said: "Dad! I don't know... I'm only ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqj9u/my_son_entered_the_bathroom_during_my_morning/
%
No wonder we’re shutting down.

Trump did say he was going to run the government like one of his businesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqhfj/no_wonder_were_shutting_down/
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The Two Nuns

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. But the man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the pair split up, with Sister Mathematical heading towards the convent and Sister Logical running away from it. Making a quick decision, the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. But a few short minutes later, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqfyl/the_two_nuns/
%
My wife dragged me to a classical concert.

Me: I hope this concert has a lot of ado.
Her: Huh?
MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado....
Me: F*ck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqfn8/my_wife_dragged_me_to_a_classical_concert/
%
A journalist traveled to the South Pole to interview 100 penguins..:

The journalist had them all line up and ask all of them one question: “what is your typical day like?”
The first penguin answered, “I eat, I swim, I sleep, and I hit my friend up.”
Then the journalist went to the second penguin for its response, which was, “I eat, I swim, I sleep, and I hit my friend up.”
The journalist went through 99 penguins who all have the identical answer. When he finally reached the 100th penguin, he asked, “what is your typical day like?”
The last penguin said, “I eat, I swim, and I sleep.”
Confused, the journalist asked, “don’t you hit your friend up too?”
The penguin answered, “my name is Up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqfm8/a_journalist_traveled_to_the_south_pole_to/
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God asked Jonah what he was doing traveling inside a whale.

"Nineveh business, God "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqc4p/god_asked_jonah_what_he_was_doing_traveling/
%
A dung beetle walks into a bar...

"Is this stool taken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqb3q/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man died and went to heaven

. As he stood in front of St. Peter, at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are the Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man. “Whose clock is that?”
“That is Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man.
“And that’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told two lies in his entire life.”
“Where is Trump’s clock?”
“Oh, his clock is in Jesus’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqaha/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
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There's an easy way to distinguish an alligator from a crocodile.

It's a very simple technique. One you'll see in a while and the other you'll see later!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqacm/theres_an_easy_way_to_distinguish_an_alligator/
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America: The land of the free

.... refills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rqa52/america_the_land_of_the_free/
%
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it again):

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rq8wf/i_cant_find_a_joke_i_read_here_yesterday/
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My first time on an escalator...

...was quite uplifting, the second time though was a letdown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rq8qt/my_first_time_on_an_escalator/
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They should hide the nuclear codes from Trump by putting it somewhere he would never look

In a book for example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rq4ab/they_should_hide_the_nuclear_codes_from_trump_by/
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What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable patch?

Seizure Salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rq478/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_in_a_vegetable_patch/
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I submitted 10 puns into a pun contest

None of them won. No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rq2vv/i_submitted_10_puns_into_a_pun_contest/
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rq2f5/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
Son: "Dad, how high is that building?"

Building: "Why am I called a building if I'm already built?"
Dad: "Pretty damn high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rq252/son_dad_how_high_is_that_building/
%
Bud Light is like sex on a boat.

It’s fucking too close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rq07g/bud_light_is_like_sex_on_a_boat/
%
The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rpwn5/the_husband_leans_over_and_asks_his_wife/
%
A lead singer gets blown by a big fan backstage at the end of a concert and all the band members find him naked.

Group: Ewww! Get a room!
Singer: I would if you could fit three blades the size of a jet engine into my living room!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rpw3b/a_lead_singer_gets_blown_by_a_big_fan_backstage/
%
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"

Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rpswd/after_watching_star_wars_with_my_son_for_the/
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How does the russian mother punish her kid who got bad grades at school?

Nietflix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rps5l/how_does_the_russian_mother_punish_her_kid_who/
%
So the government shut down...

I saw my senator with a sign that said, "Will lie, cheat, and steal for food."
Or
now my senator has to lie, cheat, and steal for free.
Or
so will my senator stop lying, cheating, and stealing?
Take your pick or insert your parasite of choice.  And don't forget to tip your waitresses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rps3s/so_the_government_shut_down/
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What do you do if you come across a woman in the military?

Wipe it off and apologise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rpqzq/what_do_you_do_if_you_come_across_a_woman_in_the/
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Medicine is so advanced

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rpp2q/medicine_is_so_advanced/
%
Two condoms are walking down the street...

Two condoms are walking down the street when they pass a gay pub. One condom turns to the other condom and says, “Let’s go in there and get shit-faced!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rpntc/two_condoms_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?

You can drop them off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rpnbw/whats_the_best_thing_about_dating_homeless_chicks/
%
My wife left me today

She said I am addicted to gambling. I give you 2:1 odds that she will regret it later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rpkrx/my_wife_left_me_today/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

.... and a table, and a chair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rpixm/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
It's official Trump's inauguration date is now a National Holiday.

At least I assume so because the government shutdown for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rpfpq/its_official_trumps_inauguration_date_is_now_a/
%
A guy buys a pack of cigarettes

He reads a warning on the pack "smoking causes erectile dysfunction" he rushes back to the seller and says "hey, give me the ones that causes cancer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rpbek/a_guy_buys_a_pack_of_cigarettes/
%
Why did the diode kiss the capacitor?

He couldn't resistor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rp95a/why_did_the_diode_kiss_the_capacitor/
%
What’s the difference between a coffin and a condom?

One you go in and the other you come in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rp7qo/whats_the_difference_between_a_coffin_and_a_condom/
%
I can’t decide what to buy for my farm?

Farmer Giles: I can’t decide whether to buy a cow or a bicycle for my farm?
Farmer Miles: You’d look pretty silly riding a cow.
Farmer Giles: I’d look even sillier milking a bicycle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rp6h1/i_cant_decide_what_to_buy_for_my_farm/
%
What's the different between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy; the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rp6e9/whats_the_different_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
What do you call a female Hawaiian?

Miss. Isles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rp1k2/what_do_you_call_a_female_hawaiian/
%
Invisibility

There's a joke there somewhere. I just can't see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rp0gh/invisibility/
%
Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, and Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts: "I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rovxb/vaseline/
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Donald Trump, what's 2+2?

I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy, but he's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rorr5/donald_trump_whats_22/
%
What do spinach and anal sex have in common ?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7romxn/what_do_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
%
Why was the albino, glasses-wearing man okay with a wizard turning him into a cool looking bug?

He was a pretty fly, four eyed, white guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7roisc/why_was_the_albino_glasseswearing_man_okay_with_a/
%
What is the Pope's preferred method of payment?

Papal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7roib0/what_is_the_popes_preferred_method_of_payment/
%
What do female racecar drivers wear?

a skkkkiiiirrrrrrrrrrttt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7roi3a/what_do_female_racecar_drivers_wear/
%
What type of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly squats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rofj3/what_type_of_exercise_do_lazy_people_do/
%
How do you fix a government....?

Try turning them off and then on again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7roevh/how_do_you_fix_a_government/
%
I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a checkered tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7roabz/i_was_having_dinner_with_garry_kasparov_and_there/
%
Did you see that documentary about wisdom teeth?

It’s called “An Inconvenient Tooth”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ro8lt/did_you_see_that_documentary_about_wisdom_teeth/
%
Massaging the wife

Italian : Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.
French : Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 15 minutes.
American : Thats nothing! Last night I massaged my wife with cheese, then made love and made her scream for 2 hours.
Italian and French, astonished : 2 hours ! How !?
American : I wiped my hands on the curtains...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rnowg/massaging_the_wife/
%
If you give a monkey a typewriter, it will eventually write Shakespeare...

...If you give a monkey a camcorder, it will eventually film a dead body and post it to the internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rno79/if_you_give_a_monkey_a_typewriter_it_will/
%
Counting sheep

Bill: Gosh, you look really tired today.
Phill :I am. I didn't sleep at all last night.
Bill: I'm sorry. Too much caffeine?
Phill I don't know what it was. I just kept tossing and turning.
Bill : Did you try counting sheep?
Phill: I did. But you know how it is. By the time you get up, drive all the way to the farm and then drive back, you're wide awake again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rng9s/counting_sheep/
%
What is the difference between Capitalism and Communism?

It's the order of events,
In Capitalism the dad goes missing and then kids report,
while in Communism kids report then dad goes missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rncml/what_is_the_difference_between_capitalism_and/
%
How does Jesus make coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rn9ap/how_does_jesus_make_coffee/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punch line becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rn8xu/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it again):

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rn8xj/i_cant_find_a_joke_i_read_here_yesterday/
%
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...

Has always been my Achilles’ Elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rn7w3/my_poor_knowledge_of_greek_mythology/
%
As a famous scarecrow once said...

"This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rn77x/as_a_famous_scarecrow_once_said/
%
I think Russians might have hacked me...



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rn5zt/i_think_russians_might_have_hacked_me/
%
Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week

He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up!
-Jim Sealey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rmuvg/stephen_hawking_had_his_first_date_for_10_years/
%
You know who gives kids a bad name?

Kim and Kanye, for one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rmtin/you_know_who_gives_kids_a_bad_name/
%
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well hung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rms2j/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_with_fat_fingers/
%
As of the 25th of January, viagra is going to be sold by its chemical name.

Ask your pharmacist for mycoxaflopin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rmihg/as_of_the_25th_of_january_viagra_is_going_to_be/
%
Dear Lord, you have given me a great childhood

It was beautiful
Then you’ve taken it away
Dear Lord, then you’ve given me a great youth
It was beautiful
Then you’ve taken it away
Then, Dear Lord you’ve given me a wife
Oh, I’m just reminding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rmhaw/dear_lord_you_have_given_me_a_great_childhood/
%
I'm organising a debate to decide which member of U2 is the best.

I'm doing it completely pro bono

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rmevr/im_organising_a_debate_to_decide_which_member_of/
%
What were Grandma’s last words before she kicked the bucket?

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rmdag/what_were_grandmas_last_words_before_she_kicked/
%
So I am opening an Italian style restaurant.

Every item on the menu is going to be medication themed.
I am gonna call  it.... Big Parma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rmd6j/so_i_am_opening_an_italian_style_restaurant/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rmc49/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Have you ever heard of the invention of the shovel?

It was ground breaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rmbho/have_you_ever_heard_of_the_invention_of_the_shovel/
%
How is a woman like a condom?

Because they spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rm7jb/how_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
%
I found a bar that only plays songs by Prince, but you can drink as much as you like, all night, for $20.

I'm gonna party like it's $19.99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rm5gs/i_found_a_bar_that_only_plays_songs_by_prince_but/
%
I like my women how I like my coffee...

...not forgotten about on top of my car and falling off the roof when i drive away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rm2gp/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
My boss said, "You won't amount to nothing." But he was wrong of course.

He should have said "anything".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rlzny/my_boss_said_you_wont_amount_to_nothing_but_he/
%
"I'm losing my hair!"

he bawled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rlwpl/im_losing_my_hair/
%
I was about to tell you a joke about time travel

But you didn't like it :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rlugr/i_was_about_to_tell_you_a_joke_about_time_travel/
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The third grade teacher was teaching English

and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Little Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt/He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little--" He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.
"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.
So Little Johnny said, "Asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rlsa1/the_third_grade_teacher_was_teaching_english/
%
Things not to ask to your dog:

What's your role in this threesome?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rlnr6/things_not_to_ask_to_your_dog/
%
A couple that ran a Chinese restaurant were in bed...

... when the husband turned to his wife and said  "do you want to try 69?" And the wife replied, "why do you want sesame chicken now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rlky5/a_couple_that_ran_a_chinese_restaurant_were_in_bed/
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What do you call an intestine that's been partially removed?

A semicolon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rljd3/what_do_you_call_an_intestine_thats_been/
%
Christmas time. A mailman knocks at the door to deliver a package.

A voluptuous blonde answers it: "Hey honey, I'll give you your gift upstairs!"
An up they go, where she proceeds to fuck him senseless. After the deed is done, she brings him coffee and 5 bucks.
"What are the 5 bucks for?" asks the mailman.
"Oh, that was my husbands idea. I asked him, "Hey what should we give the mailman?" and he said, "Ah, screw him. Give him 5 bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rli67/christmas_time_a_mailman_knocks_at_the_door_to/
%
A terrible joke my dad just told me

So a patient goes to his doctor and says "Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?". And the doctor says "No, I'm afraid not. But...it will definitely feel longer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rlhj2/a_terrible_joke_my_dad_just_told_me/
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What disease do you have if you're great at making cocktails, but terrible at stealing tambourines?

Parkinsons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rlh0x/what_disease_do_you_have_if_youre_great_at_making/
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If you suffer from mental illness, it always helps to remember you are not alone.

Unless the mental illness is schizophrenia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rlbr4/if_you_suffer_from_mental_illness_it_always_helps/
%
I suck at Pictionary

I'm always drawing a blank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rl85e/i_suck_at_pictionary/
%
What did 50 cent say when his grandmother made him a sweater?

Gee, you knit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rl73n/what_did_50_cent_say_when_his_grandmother_made/
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A midwife calls a doctor

“Doctor she’s been in labor for 36 hours we need to do a c section.”
“Not so fast,” says the doctor “there’s one more thing to try”
He goes to the obviously pained mother to be and says “what do you call maids in space.”
After the woman gives him a blank stare the doctor says “Vacuum cleaners”
Upon hearing this joke the woman cringes so hard that she expels the healthy crying baby.
Releived the new mother says “Thank you doctor but that’s the worst joke I ever heard”
The doctor smiled and said “the punchline sucks but the delivery was perfect”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rl6s6/a_midwife_calls_a_doctor/
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Why is it so easy to find a prostitute in Islamic countries?

They're always just a stone's throw away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rl5ar/why_is_it_so_easy_to_find_a_prostitute_in_islamic/
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A short story of Jimmy

Jimmy was walking upstairs in his house when he heard his dad shout, "Shit." "Dad what does shit mean?" asked Jimmy. "It's just another word for shaving cream." Replied his dad.Jimmy kept on his way down the hallway when he heard his sister, "what an ass" she said."Sister what is an ass?" Jimmy questioned, "it's another word for boyfriend" The sister said.Jimmy now downstairs heard his mom shout, "fuck"  "Mom, what does fuck mean?"Little Jimmy asked with a questioned look. "It's just a word for cutting the turkey." She quickly replied.Jimmy walked outside to find his neighbor who questioned him, "Jimmy, where are your parents?"Jimmy then responded, "well, my dad is in the bathroom with shit on his face, my sister is in her room talking to her ass,
and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rkzoa/a_short_story_of_jimmy/
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A man walks into a bear

The bear says "unfortunate typo" and eats him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rkzaw/a_man_walks_into_a_bear/
%
What do you call a singing computer?

*A dell*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rkpbr/what_do_you_call_a_singing_computer/
%
People say I'm a skeptic,

but I'm not so sure...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rkip9/people_say_im_a_skeptic/
%
An Australian ventriloquist visiting Afghanistan, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rkhb5/an_australian_ventriloquist_visiting_afghanistan/
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What do you call a sad coffee?

A depresso.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rkg8a/what_do_you_call_a_sad_coffee/
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The Russian and the Genie

So one day walking home from work, a Russian runs across a lamp.  Not thinking anything of it, he kicks the lamp, and a Genie pops out.  "I will grant you one wish."  The Russian thinks about it for a moment, and says, "Every time piss, I want to be best vodka ever."  The Genie says, "Done," and disappears.
The Russian gets home, goes to the cabinet, gets a glass, and pees in it.  He notices it's clear, so he takes a drink.  It's the best Vodka he's ever had.  "Wife, come here!"  She enters from the other room, he grabs a glass, pisses in her glass and then hands it to her.  "Drink!"  The wife hesitates, but takes the glass and drinks.  Best Vodka she's ever had.
So the next day the Russian gets home from work, opens the door and yells, "Wife!  Two glasses!"  The wife gets two glasses, he pisses in both, they drink, and it's even better than the last time they drank.  The next day comes, and the Russian gets home from work.  "Wife!  One glass!"  Confused, the wife asks, "Where's my glass?"  The husband replies, "Tonight, you drink from the bottle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rkegq/the_russian_and_the_genie/
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Tide announced the new motto for their pods line.

Cleaning the gene pool since 2017.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rkb0d/tide_announced_the_new_motto_for_their_pods_line/
%
There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rk1tg/there_are_3_men_on_a_boat_and_4_cigarettes_they/
%
A prostitute went and got some new ink...

...but she didn't have enough money, so it was tit for tat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rk0pe/a_prostitute_went_and_got_some_new_ink/
%
Dont bring a gay friend to a poker match

They can never keep a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rk0bc/dont_bring_a_gay_friend_to_a_poker_match/
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Bobby Teem

It's Monday morning, and Bobby Teem has just begun his shift in a cabinet shop.
He takes a board over to the table saw, and just as he starts to make his cut there is a loud snapping sound.
Before he can move, the blade is projected from the saw and cuts into his face, right at eye level.
Rich Morrel, the shop foreman calls emergency services, and soon an ambulance arrives and takes Bobby Teem to the hospital.
The next morning, Paul Rhodes, the owner of the company is in the shop to conduct a safety meeting with his employees.
"As you all know, Bobby Teem was in a very unfortunate accident yesterday" says Rhodes.
"The doctors did everything they could, but they could not save his eyes."
"It has come to my attention that in depth, daily inspections of all equipment in the shop is a requirement, as is a brief visual inspection before each use."
"It is the responsibility of everybody in this shop to ensure that these inspections are carried out. This accident could have been avoided, had everybody been on the same page, and had worked together."
"Does everybody understand what I'm saying?"
Nobody says a word.
"Anybody?"
"Anybody? "
He looks at the shop foreman.
"Morrel?"
"There is no eye in Teem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rjupt/bobby_teem/
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It's 5 o'clock. See ya. I'm gonna make like a banana and

lay around unused, gradually festering until I start to attract flies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rjphi/its_5_oclock_see_ya_im_gonna_make_like_a_banana/
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s

Though never married, she was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.  Miss Beatrice invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?', as he pointed to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?  I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.'
'Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rjpdx/miss_beatrice_the_church_organist_was_in_her_80s/
%
I left my wife last night. It turns out I like my women like I like my coffee....

Without a bunch of other dude's dicks inside of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rjjsc/i_left_my_wife_last_night_it_turns_out_i_like_my/
%
Look Honey, a cactus!

I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rjjkw/look_honey_a_cactus/
%
I don't take meth anymore, I have a future.

And you don't mix uppers with downers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rjift/i_dont_take_meth_anymore_i_have_a_future/
%
What do taxidermists do for fun?

Oh, you know... Stuff...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rji1i/what_do_taxidermists_do_for_fun/
%
Former champion Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana farm...

Now everyone can say they took a hit from Tyson!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rjgee/former_champion_mike_tyson_is_opening_a_marijuana/
%
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident

, an Anchorage man answered the door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." said one trooper...
"Tell me, please! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay..."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "Well, what's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rjabq/the_day_after_his_wife_disappeared_in_a_kayaking/
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My Boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in apron and menu*
My Boss: “You’re a cop where did you get those”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rj5uy/my_boss_youre_fired/
%
A kid asks his dad what the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially' is

A kid walks upto his dad. He asks him to explain the difference between the words realistically and potentially.
His father responds by telling him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. He then told him to also ask his sister whether she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. And he also told him to ask his brother whether he would sleep with Brett for a million dollars.
The kid asks everyone. He comes back and tells his dad that they all said yes.
His father responds that potentially, we're sitting on 3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two whores and a faggot in the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rj4a4/a_kid_asks_his_dad_what_the_difference_between/
%
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns

But I soon realized that toucan play at that game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rj1ks/a_friend_of_mine_tried_to_annoy_me_with_bird_puns/
%
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rj0ap/an_old_lady_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_shes_chatting/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic racist?

He hates gingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7riv1m/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_racist/
%
My Girlfriend is sad that her dog died, so I went out and got her an identical dog

and she said "What the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7riur3/my_girlfriend_is_sad_that_her_dog_died_so_i_went/
%
10,000/bullet Assassin

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7riulm/10000bullet_assassin/
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ME: Siri, what time is it?

ALEXA: Who is Siri?
ME: Haha Alexa, I meant Alexa
ALEXA: Ok but who is Siri?
ME:...
ALEXA: Playing "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rityh/me_siri_what_time_is_it/
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Never ask Sean Connery for financial advice

He told me to shave my money, but all I ended up with was torn bills :( Dick move, Sean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rit3y/never_ask_sean_connery_for_financial_advice/
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[LONG]ish A man's trimming his hedges as the postman walks by...

He gives a friendly hello and then realises this is the perfect moment to ask a question that's been bugging him for some time.
"Is it true what they say, that you lot sleep with the housewives whilst the husbands are at work?"
"Ha! It is indeed. I've had every woman on this street, except one!" replies the postman before carrying on his journey.
Baffled and amazed by the postman's exploits, the man heads back inside to discuss it with his wife.
"Can you believe our postman has been with every woman on this street except one?!"
She turns to him and says "I bet it's that snobby cow Sheila across the road"
Apologies if this has been posted before, a client of mine just told me this and I thought it was hilarious and wanted to share :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7riry4/longish_a_mans_trimming_his_hedges_as_the_postman/
%
Scientists are studying the effects of marijuana on the arctic tern, a species of bird.

The studies are so intense they have stated "We are leaving no tern unstoned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rirbe/scientists_are_studying_the_effects_of_marijuana/
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What’s it called when Big Shaq goes to a 2-minute Catholic service?

Quick mass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rioaw/whats_it_called_when_big_shaq_goes_to_a_2minute/
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My friend told me his autobiography was available at the library...

His story checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rimz9/my_friend_told_me_his_autobiography_was_available/
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Vegans are good people

They never have beef with anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rimcl/vegans_are_good_people/
%
An airplane was about to crash.

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said "I am Bill Gates, owner and developer of Microsoft. The World needs me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you too. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rijpu/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash/
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I'm kinda like Titanic when it comes to meeting people

Not that great at breaking the ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rii6b/im_kinda_like_titanic_when_it_comes_to_meeting/
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Autopsy Professor

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.
Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics.
First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rih94/autopsy_professor/
%
2 Horses are standing next to each other in the middle of winter...

One horse says to the other: "neigh-berrr"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rih48/2_horses_are_standing_next_to_each_other_in_the/
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The invention of the fan....

Blew people away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ridrc/the_invention_of_the_fan/
%
When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop.

He was known as the pasta barista baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ric95/when_born_arnold_schwarzenegger_got_a_job_serving/
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Communication 101

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?" So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I smoke while I pray?" But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion." Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him. Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?" To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."
Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask. For Example : Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ri8ru/communication_101/
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How do you grab the attention of a pervert?

A NSFW tag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ri7ii/how_do_you_grab_the_attention_of_a_pervert/
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What do you call 2 Crows sat on a branch?

attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ri11x/what_do_you_call_2_crows_sat_on_a_branch/
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Statistics show 65% of Baltimore men have had sex in the shower.

The other 35% haven't been to prison yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rhs4f/statistics_show_65_of_baltimore_men_have_had_sex/
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My friend is half Indian.

Ian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rhqg2/my_friend_is_half_indian/
%
What do you call it when there's a movie about the Guardians of the Galaxy before they met Star-Lord?

A pre-Quill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rhppy/what_do_you_call_it_when_theres_a_movie_about_the/
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A barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs. Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rhofq/a_barber_in_my_area_just_got_arrested_for_selling/
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The real reason aliens won't visit our solar system

We have the worst ratings, only one star ☀️

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rhnx0/the_real_reason_aliens_wont_visit_our_solar_system/
%
Why is milk the fastest liquid on the Planet?

It’s PASTEURISED before you even see it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rhm6a/why_is_milk_the_fastest_liquid_on_the_planet/
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You close the fridge door and hear something fall inside...

That, my friends, is the sound of someone else's problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rhm5d/you_close_the_fridge_door_and_hear_something_fall/
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Another guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rhkx5/another_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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My psychologist told me this morning that they are working on a cure for dyslexia...

It was like music to my arse...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rhk41/my_psychologist_told_me_this_morning_that_they/
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Prom

You remember prom, you know how it works. You have the 3 essentials: the tux, the corsage, and the limo.
Obviously I’m late to getting a date so everything I’m getting is last minute about a week before the big day.
I go to stop number 1, the tux shop. I pull up and I see this huge line. “Ugh” I shrug it off and just wait in the damn line.
Finally I get my tux and get ready to go to the next stop, the flower store.
I pull up to the flower store and guess what, there is an even longer line. This time it’s out of the door. “Ugh” I shrug it off and get in line, I have to get the corsage.
I get the corsage and head to the next place, the limo rental.
I pull up to the limo rental and you wouldn’t believe it. Like is out the door and down the street. “Jesus” I shrug it off and hope there’s still a limo.
I finally get my limo and have all of my stuff ready for prom.
It’s the day of prom and I go to my dates house in our limo. I pick her up, give her the corsage and take some pictures with the moms. Whatever, we head to prom.
We’re dancing for a little bit and it’s getting hot from everybody moving around in a dance floor too small for us.
Anyway, my date says she’s thirsty and asks me if I can get her some punch. “Sure” I’m a little thirsty myself so I head over to get some punch and you wouldn’t believe it.
There’s no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rhipn/prom/
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It's amazing how much has changed since the 80s

Back then we had a celebrity president with ultraconservative views and a cult following who was obsessed with a wall in the White House, a female Prime Minister with a complicated relationship with the EU and a total disregard for the poor of the country in Number Ten, the Russians were under a regime that made idols of their leaders, took part in mass espionage schemes and got involved in wars in Muslim Countries and we all lived in fear of Nuclear War.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rhic8/its_amazing_how_much_has_changed_since_the_80s/
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My American friend came over to the uk to see me.

After his first day out he said to me “I was really nice and held elevator doors open for a spastic today”.
I very quickly told him that this kind of language would not fly in the u.k. – we call them lifts…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rhhfa/my_american_friend_came_over_to_the_uk_to_see_me/
%
Knives are extremely advanced

They are all cutting edge technology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rhg2l/knives_are_extremely_advanced/
%
Can February march?

No. But April may

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rhavs/can_february_march/
%
The only thing flat earthers fear

Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rha68/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
%
I have a fear of standing

Every time I stand up I sit myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rh8yt/i_have_a_fear_of_standing/
%
My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rh7qn/my_boss_youre_fired/
%
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an exclusive apartment..

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an exclusive apartment . While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a tiny robe. The boy smiled nervously at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now totally nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out 2 hours every day and my arse is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rh6z8/a_teenage_boy_was_delivering_papers_to_an/
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99 little bugs in the code

99 little bugs. Take one down, pass it around, 483 little bugs in the code!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rh4zk/99_little_bugs_in_the_code/
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How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rh3ax/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_plumber/
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Tried to go to my first premature ejaculators anonymous meeting today

Turns out its tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rgzfz/tried_to_go_to_my_first_premature_ejaculators/
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I was dating a girl with a lazy eye.

Had to dump her tho. She was seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rgsg7/i_was_dating_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
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Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rgqep/why_doesnt_oedipus_swear/
%
I once briefly dated a girl with progeria.

Got old quick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rgpwe/i_once_briefly_dated_a_girl_with_progeria/
%
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

In Dubai they don’t like the flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rgpke/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
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Aziz Ansari should just change his name

to Ah-jeez I'm-sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rgk9u/aziz_ansari_should_just_change_his_name/
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Once lived a king and a queen...

They lived happily together, nothing bad. But one day, one of the King's advisors notified him that the guards were secretly fucking the queen. Furious, he placed a small guillotine right in right of the queen's vagina. He traveled off for 3 weeks, when upon returning, he saw that all the guards had their penises cut off! Outraged, he went to his advisor to tell him he was right.
"Oh great advisor, you were right all along!"
The advisor replied, "I thold thyou my majethy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rg8d8/once_lived_a_king_and_a_queen/
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What if tide pods..

Are just cleaning up people who should have been stains in the first place?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rg7jg/what_if_tide_pods/
%
guy: Doctor help me, my wifi is in labor

doc: Don't panic, is this her first child ?
guy: No, this is her husband you moron!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rg4et/guy_doctor_help_me_my_wifi_is_in_labor/
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YouTuber goes to suicide forest.

Kills channel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rg46y/youtuber_goes_to_suicide_forest/
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A husband died.

A few years later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rg2mo/a_husband_died/
%
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear...

is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rfw8q/the_only_thing_flatearthers_have_to_fear/
%
A nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer

She thinks "Goddammit, some asshole has my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rfv1c/a_nurse_reaches_into_her_pocket_and_pulls_out_a/
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Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?

Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.
Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?
Man: No, I’m a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rfv18/girl_so_how_many_times_a_day_do_you_shave/
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A 1st grade teacher is teaching her students proper sentence structure.

The teacher is asking her students to use the following words in a sentence; deduct, defeat, defense,  and detail.
One student raises his hand and says "defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rfuuw/a_1st_grade_teacher_is_teaching_her_students/
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Do lazy people go to hell...

or do they come to pick us up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rfr5o/do_lazy_people_go_to_hell/
%
I heard there's this new pill that cures addiction.

Hmm, I wonder what two of them will do...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rfoyk/i_heard_theres_this_new_pill_that_cures_addiction/
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I got fired on my first day at the bank yesterday when an old lady asked me to check her balance

I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rfo2a/i_got_fired_on_my_first_day_at_the_bank_yesterday/
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Infantry Vs Special Forces

A Special Forces A-team and a group of Infantry Officers take a train to a conference. Each Infantry Officer holds a ticket. But the entire A-team has only one ticket for a single passenger. The Infantry Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant SF guys will finally get what they deserve.
Suddenly one of the SF guys calls out: "The conductor is coming! At once, the entire team jumps up and squeezes into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Infantry Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: "Ticket, please!" A single ticket emerges from under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round.
For the return trip the Infantry Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for their entire group but they are baffled as they realize that SF guys didn't buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the A-team guys announces again: "The conductor is coming!"
Immediately all the Infantry Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in.
All the SF guys leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Sergeant enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Infantry Officers and says: "Ticket, please".
Moral:
Infantry Officers like to use the methods of Special Forces, but they don't really understand them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rfmq5/infantry_vs_special_forces/
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My GF karen is cheating on me, she said she was with her friend Mary.

I knew she was lying, because Mary was lying next to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rfm96/my_gf_karen_is_cheating_on_me_she_said_she_was/
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A newly married couple is driving the back roads in Arkansas and needed to stop for gas

They happened upon a small gas station.  As they went to pay for the gas they noticed an older Native American man sitting by the door.
Just being a little silly the husband says "Howgh", and raises his hand in the air.  The older man nods.
Inside the gas station they ask the teller about the older Native American man.
"That man is incredible.  He was a Chief of his tribe and has come here to live out his last years. He has a memory you won't believe. He can tell you what was happening anytime of any day of his life."
Skeptical, the couple went outside to talk to the old man.
"I heard you have a great memory.  What were you doing 45 years ago today at this exact time of day?" asked the husband.
The old man thought for a moment and responded "I was screwing one of my wives."
Dissatisfied and disbelieving his answer the couple gets in the car and departs.
10 years later the couple happens to be driving the same back roads and see the gas station is still there.  They decide to stop and see if the older Native American man is still there as well. They walk to the door and he is still sitting there in the same spot looking exactly the same.
Just to be silly again the man approaches with his hand up and says "Howgh"  to the old man.
"Doggystyle" he responds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rfk7v/a_newly_married_couple_is_driving_the_back_roads/
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Is the state of Oklahoma gay?

Not if you say no Oklahomo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rfh2h/is_the_state_of_oklahoma_gay/
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The first rule of tautology club....

...is the first rule of tautology club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rfcpv/the_first_rule_of_tautology_club/
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I became a commercial pilot to overcome my greatest fear.

Dying alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rfclm/i_became_a_commercial_pilot_to_overcome_my/
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What do you call a small group of terrorists pretending to be janitors?

A sweeper cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rfadj/what_do_you_call_a_small_group_of_terrorists/
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Why did the jaguars stop playing poker at the safari?

Because all the others were cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rf58a/why_did_the_jaguars_stop_playing_poker_at_the/
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I held a door open for a lady today. You'd think she would say thank you or acknowledge in some way. But noooo....

....All she said was,
*CLOSE THE FUCKIN DOOR, I'M TRYING TO PISS.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rf3ym/i_held_a_door_open_for_a_lady_today_youd_think/
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A US Ship was sailing through dense fog when it sees another light....

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rf2in/a_us_ship_was_sailing_through_dense_fog_when_it/
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A New Yorker visits a Texan

The Texan shows the New Yorker around his place. "Howd'ya like it?", he asks.
"It's not bad", answers the New Yorker, "but I'll be honest, I expected you Texans to have larger places. The living room's too small, the master bedroom is small too, there is only one bathroom, and there isn't even a balcony."
"Hold your horses!" says the Texan. "We ain't even outta the elevator yet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rf1e6/a_new_yorker_visits_a_texan/
%
What do you call a necrophilic gang bang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rewbb/what_do_you_call_a_necrophilic_gang_bang/
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A ship goes out to sea and crashes.

6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.
Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived.
So they come to this agreement.
All of the men will marry the one woman for a week.
So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it.
This goes on for five years and everyone is happy.
Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies.
The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful.
It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rev90/a_ship_goes_out_to_sea_and_crashes/
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Doctor, why does nobody notice me?

Next please!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7reovw/doctor_why_does_nobody_notice_me/
%
What do you use to heal cuts in the matrix?

Neo-sporin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rei3i/what_do_you_use_to_heal_cuts_in_the_matrix/
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I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rec3k/im_reaching_out_on_behalf_of_a_friend_of_mine_who/
%
A guy is out drinking with his friends on his birthday...

...and he ends up ridiculously wasted and throws up all over his shirt.
His friends are laughing, but he looks upset. "I can't go home like this, my wife already thinks I drink too much, she'll be pissed when she sees this..."
His best friend, thinking quickly, tells him to stick a $20 bill in his shirt pocket. "Tell her a stranger barfed on you, and insisted on paying to get your shirt cleaned!"
The guy staggers home and sure enough, his wife blows up at him when he walks in the door. "It's 3 AM, you're trashed, and you puked all over yourself!"
The guy stays calm. "Nah, baby, some guy at the bar puked on me. Look, he even gave me $20 to have it cleaned!"
His wife looks in his shirt pocket. "There's $40 in here..."
"Yeah, he also shit in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7re62g/a_guy_is_out_drinking_with_his_friends_on_his/
%
How did the mathematician die?

Graphically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rdyvi/how_did_the_mathematician_die/
%
What did the dentist say when he made a mistake?

That was accidental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rdvfy/what_did_the_dentist_say_when_he_made_a_mistake/
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[NSFW] A guy wanted to see his wife's reaction by complementing her sister's ass

He did not see anything
Second day, still did not see anything
By the third day he could see a little bit with his right eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rdtj8/nsfw_a_guy_wanted_to_see_his_wifes_reaction_by/
%
I put the romance

In necromancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rdr9x/i_put_the_romance/
%
How do you tell a child their parents aren't coming back because they died due to gas poisoning?

They argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rdnc4/how_do_you_tell_a_child_their_parents_arent/
%
What does my girlfriend say when I tell her "You're as sexy as the day I met you."?

Stop saying that, we met in the 6th grade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rdlx3/what_does_my_girlfriend_say_when_i_tell_her_youre/
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What happens when you eat too many Spaghettio's?

You have a vowel movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rdlby/what_happens_when_you_eat_too_many_spaghettios/
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A protester who shouted "Donald Trump is a moron!" in front of the White House was arrested by the secret service and given 25 years in prison.

“5 years for defamation,” the court had announced, “and an additional 20 years for leaking top-secret information.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rdkmv/a_protester_who_shouted_donald_trump_is_a_moron/
%
There is no “I”

In denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rdk8x/there_is_no_i/
%
How do you stop the Russians from interfering your country's elections?

Bring in the Olympic drug-testers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rdjzv/how_do_you_stop_the_russians_from_interfering/
%
Who is Jack Shit?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married her cousin Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chick N. Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rdjzh/who_is_jack_shit/
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I'm jealous of agriculture majors who become farmers...

Because they always find a job in their field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rd5e5/im_jealous_of_agriculture_majors_who_become/
%
What do you get if you send an anime fan to one of Saturn’s moons?

“Otaku on Titan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rd4c1/what_do_you_get_if_you_send_an_anime_fan_to_one/
%
Sex with me is like a cancelled first date

It's over before it even started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rcypj/sex_with_me_is_like_a_cancelled_first_date/
%
What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rcxvj/what_happens_to_a_frogs_car_when_it_breaks_down/
%
Never iron a four leaf clover.

You don't want to press your luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rcw01/never_iron_a_four_leaf_clover/
%
If there's one thing that makes me throw up

It's a dart board on a ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rcvv2/if_theres_one_thing_that_makes_me_throw_up/
%
Took my girlfriend out last night...

One punch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rclae/took_my_girlfriend_out_last_night/
%
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rcl57/what_do_you_call_a_lazy_baby_kangaroo/
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I've got a really good dad joke.

My girlfriend's pregnant and she thinks I'm going to stick around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rckpv/ive_got_a_really_good_dad_joke/
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A Jewish Father was very upset by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

"Rabbi, I brought my son up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah, and it cost me a fortune to educate him.  Then, he tells me last week that he's decided to be Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
The Rabbi rubs his beard and says:  "Funny you should come to me.  I too brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to University, and it cost me a fortune for his education.  Then after he's done, he comes to me and says that he wants to be Christian."
"What did you do?" the man asked the Rabbi.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"Well, what did he say?" asked the man.
He said, "Funny you should come to me....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rcj9g/a_jewish_father_was_very_upset_by_the_way_his_son/
%
What do Trump and the iPhone have in common?

NVM, we should never compare Apples to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rcgec/what_do_trump_and_the_iphone_have_in_common/
%
What do young Eskimos ride to school?

Ice-cycles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rcbdx/what_do_young_eskimos_ride_to_school/
%
Dad, why did you name my sister Teresa?

Dad: because your mother loves Easter, it’s an anagram.
Son: oh, okay thanks
Dad: your welcome Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rca13/dad_why_did_you_name_my_sister_teresa/
%
Got fired from my job at the gym...

Apparently I just wasn't working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rc657/got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_gym/
%
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines..

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? "
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the Flight attendant. So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The attendant asked the young man, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"? He said that she had. The flight attendant knelt down and whispered in the little boy's ear, "Tell your mother that it's because Southwest always pulls out on time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rc5ri/a_mother_and_her_son_were_flying_southwest/
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I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to deter gents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rc49e/i_heard_its_easy_to_convince_women_not_to_eat/
%
When can woman make you millionaire?

When you're a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rc0ag/when_can_woman_make_you_millionaire/
%
How does the Aussie Chessmaster pay his bills?

Checkmate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rbzfv/how_does_the_aussie_chessmaster_pay_his_bills/
%
Why is H always far away?

Because it's in the middle of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rbtm7/why_is_h_always_far_away/
%
A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind

.
Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.
The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?
Husband: She is playing on the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rbqi7/a_woman_went_on_vacation_leaving_her_husband/
%
A man is showing off his new apartment...

After a night at the bar, he brings his friends up, where he has large brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with the gong and mallet?" One of his friends asked.
"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," the man replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?"
"Yup."
"How's it work?" The friend asked
"Watch," said the man. He picked up the mallet and banged the gong as hard as he could, stepping back as the pound reverberated around the room.
The friends looked at the man, rather confused.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall started screaming "You bastard! It's 3 in the morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rbqew/a_man_is_showing_off_his_new_apartment/
%
Sex is like Mexican food...

It will destroy your asshole, but it is totally worth it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rbq6j/sex_is_like_mexican_food/
%
A tiny guy applies for a job as a lumberjack.

“Sorry,” says the head lumberjack, eyeing the man up and down. “You’re just too small.”
“Give me a chance to show you what I can do,” the guy pleads. “You won’t regret it.”
“O.K.,” says the boss. “See that giant oak over there? Let’s see you chop it down.”
Half an hour later, the mighty oak is felled, amazing the boss.
“Where’d you learn to cut trees like that?” he asks.
“The Sahara Forest.” said the man.
“Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”
“It wasn't called that when I was there..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rbprr/a_tiny_guy_applies_for_a_job_as_a_lumberjack/
%
My new years's resolution was to lose 10lbs

Only 14 more to go!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rbphn/my_new_yearss_resolution_was_to_lose_10lbs/
%
How do you ask if someone is vegan?

You don't need to, if they are you'll already know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rbj5c/how_do_you_ask_if_someone_is_vegan/
%
What's Hilter's favourite computer game?

MeinCraft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rbcw6/whats_hilters_favourite_computer_game/
%
What do you call a security guard at a samsung store?

Guardian of the galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rba4e/what_do_you_call_a_security_guard_at_a_samsung/
%
These two midgets walk into a bar

In the Arctic
The first midget asks the bartender, "do you have any midget nuns that live here in the arcitc?"
Bartender thinks for a second and says, "No, no I don't believe we do."
The first midget turns to the second and says "See! I told you, you fucked a penguin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rb7px/these_two_midgets_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call someone who speaks three languages?

Trilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
Bilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks one language?
American

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rb2ni/what_do_you_call_someone_who_speaks_three/
%
"Doctor, I think I have genetic diarrhoea"

"But diarrhoea isn't genetic"
"Well, it's in my jeans"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rb14g/doctor_i_think_i_have_genetic_diarrhoea/
%
She offered

Her honor
He honored her offer
So all night long
It was honor and offer, honor and offer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rayju/she_offered/
%
A man and his young son are walking through a park

where they see two dogs having sex.  The son asks, "What are they doing?"  The man says with some embarrassment, "Those dogs are making puppies."
The next week the son enters his parents room while they are having sex.  The son says, "Dad, what are you doing to mom?"  He embarrassingly responds, "We're making babies."  The son replies, "Flip her over, I want puppies instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rasub/a_man_and_his_young_son_are_walking_through_a_park/
%
So a boy asks his father what's an alcoholic

The father says, "see those 4 trees over there? An alcoholic would see 8 trees"
The boy replies, "but dad, I only see two trees!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7raspt/so_a_boy_asks_his_father_whats_an_alcoholic/
%
What’s worse than ants in the pants?

Uncles in the pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7raqpk/whats_worse_than_ants_in_the_pants/
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Raisin bread sales in a bakery

The bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thongs.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant & at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt @ the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods & climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with a view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on @ requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired & irritated & begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down & glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rame2/raisin_bread_sales_in_a_bakery/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike alot..

Finally, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7raicm/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_alot/
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Plane Joke

There was a plane about to go down. The people who were on there were: Trump, The Pope, The Pilot, and 3rd grader. There are three parachutes. The Pope grabs a parachute and says; "I am more important" Then bails. Trump grabs a parachute and says "I am the worlds smartest man. I can't die" Then bails. The Pilot looks at the kid and said here have my Parachute, the kid responded No need to, the "worlds smartest man" grabbed my backpack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7raf4c/plane_joke/
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What do you call the smell that comes out of a Tesla A/C?

Elon Musk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7rad4h/what_do_you_call_the_smell_that_comes_out_of_a/
%
Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they're cold?

Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7racct/why_do_guys_always_give_their_jacket_to_girls/
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Coffee drinking trio

3 friends are bragging about their coffee drinking habits.
1st: I take it dark, thick and black. It's so strong, the spoon stands upright in my cup when I stir it.
2nd: big deal, at least you use a cup. I pour it directly from the kettle into my mouth.
3rd: yeah? We'll I don't even use a kettle. I chew the coffee beans, drink some water and just go sit on the stove for a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ra9ab/coffee_drinking_trio/
%
I love to go to bookstores and ask "Hello, I'm looking for a book titled: How to deal with rejection without killing"

... do you have it? ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ra8gk/i_love_to_go_to_bookstores_and_ask_hello_im/
%
Why was Gandhi thrown out of the orchestra?

He rejected the violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ra565/why_was_gandhi_thrown_out_of_the_orchestra/
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A man walks into a library,

He approaches the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”
The librarian says, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?”
“Sorry,” he whispers. “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ra4v5/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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Two cannibals are eating an actor

One turns to the other and says "Tastes pretty overdone to me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9zja/two_cannibals_are_eating_an_actor/
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The Gift of Friendship

Bob and Joe, old friends who haven’t seen each other in years, meet unexpectedly.
“Joe!” says Bob.
“Bob!” says Joe, “How are ya? It’s been years!”
“It sure has!” says Bob, “But listen, I’m in a rush right now. Why don’t you come to my place tomorrow and we’ll catch up?”
“Sure!” says Joe. “Tell me how to get there.”
“Ok. I live at 110 Lexington, apartment 12. Come to the lobby door and press the buzzer with your right elbow. Push the door open with your left foot when I buzz you in. Go to the elevator and use your nose to press the call button. Apartment 12 is on the third floor, so use your left elbow to press the button, then come along to my apartment and give the door a tap with your right foot, and I’ll let you in.”
“Ok Bob. But why all the elbows and feet and noses?” asks Joe, perplexed.
Bob says, “What, you’re coming empty handed?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9wef/the_gift_of_friendship/
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Amy Winehouse has become a real inspiration for me

She's going on 6 years sober now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9vsg/amy_winehouse_has_become_a_real_inspiration_for_me/
%
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee and says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9uks/a_woman_awakes_during_the_night_to_find_that_her/
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Iron was talking to his good friend Aluminum...

About his girlfriend Oxide. Aluminum told Iron that he should just dump her. "You don't need that kind of negativity in your life", he said. So Iron took his advice and sent Oxide packing, but Aluminum swooped in immediately after and started seeing Oxide himself.
Needless to say, things got a little heated and Iron had a total meltdown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9tbl/iron_was_talking_to_his_good_friend_aluminum/
%
A teacher decides to let students go home early if they can name some quote origins.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score
and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his
mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
"That's right Susie, you can go
home."
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a
Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his
mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
"That's right Mary, you can
go."
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not,
what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his
mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
"That's right Nancy, you may
also leave."
The teacher turns her back and
Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb bitches would keep their
f*%$#@ mouths shut!"
The teacher, livid, quickly turns around
and asks: "WHO SAID THAT?!"
Johnny replies: "Harvey
Weinstein, Bill Clinton, and Matt Lauer. I'll see you
tomorrow?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9rtf/a_teacher_decides_to_let_students_go_home_early/
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What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They seem to be big heavy metal fans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9rr9/what_kind_of_music_do_wind_turbines_like/
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A man brings his black friend to a slave auction

After a while, he asks him:
"So what do you think?"
His friend replies:
"Well, I'm sold."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9qeq/a_man_brings_his_black_friend_to_a_slave_auction/
%
Can you imagine referring to philosophers by their first initial and last name?

Because I Kant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9oy9/can_you_imagine_referring_to_philosophers_by/
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"Well, sometimes I feel a little bit sad and wonder if I could only go back and do it all over again..."

"Look, when I said open up, I meant open your mouth, please." said my dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9kuw/well_sometimes_i_feel_a_little_bit_sad_and_wonder/
%
Boss, I can't come to work today, I'm constipated.

You're full of shit, Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9kbr/boss_i_cant_come_to_work_today_im_constipated/
%
Logan Paul shouldn’t go so long without posting a new video

He’s leaving his subscribers hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9fun/logan_paul_shouldnt_go_so_long_without_posting_a/
%
I got into a fight with a midget last night..

Because he was standing next to my girlfriend and told her that her hair smelled nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9bdf/i_got_into_a_fight_with_a_midget_last_night/
%
Why are hot dogs the weirdest dogs?

Because most of them are inbred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9b2h/why_are_hot_dogs_the_weirdest_dogs/
%
What do you call Al Gore when he's dancing?

Algorithm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r9aar/what_do_you_call_al_gore_when_hes_dancing/
%
In a chemistry class, the teacher asks a girl

- Mary, what is H2SO4?
- Oh god, this is so easy, why can't I remember, it's on the tip of my tongue.
Quickly, Johnny says:
- Then spit it out, that's sulfuric acid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r98f5/in_a_chemistry_class_the_teacher_asks_a_girl/
%
"How was school today, Patrick?"

Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"
Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick: "What school?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r97pk/how_was_school_today_patrick/
%
A Statistician Refuses to Fly

His friend asks him, "Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?"
"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."
A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to find the statistician sitting in the seat next to you. "What happened? Have the odds changed?" the man asked.
"No, the odds of a bomb being on a plane haven't changed. But I calculated the odd of two bombs being on a plane, and I found those odds much more acceptable. So now I just bring my own."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r96ns/a_statistician_refuses_to_fly/
%
A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says,

“Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r93z6/a_little_boy_looks_at_his_mum_at_a_wedding_and/
%
[NSFW] Every time you are constipated I get diarrhoea

I shit you not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r93dd/nsfw_every_time_you_are_constipated_i_get/
%
The evolution of tide pods

In 2017 tids pods cleaned clothes but in 2018 it cleans the gene pool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r912y/the_evolution_of_tide_pods/
%
In light of the rising frequency of human and bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field...

They advise that outdoors men wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.
They also advise outdoors men to carry pepper spray with them, in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoors men should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.
Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r8ypy/in_light_of_the_rising_frequency_of_human_and/
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My uncle was jailed for his beliefs

He believed you could wank on a bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r8ylw/my_uncle_was_jailed_for_his_beliefs/
%
I went to the "Virgin Islands" for a vacation.

they are now known as "The Islands".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r8xbf/i_went_to_the_virgin_islands_for_a_vacation/
%
What makes a girl go "Mmmmmmmmmm"?

Duct Tape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r8wvo/what_makes_a_girl_go_mmmmmmmmmm/
%
What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r8t2b/whats_it_called_when_a_king_and_queen_have_no/
%
You wouldn't download a car...

...then why the hell do you download drivers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r8oga/you_wouldnt_download_a_car/
%
Men In Heaven

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter the Pearly Gates, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r8nyh/men_in_heaven/
%
A golfer in his SL500AMG pulled into a service station after his game.

The attendant pumping his gas looked into the car and saw two golf tees in the centre console.
"What's them pointy things there?" asked the attendant.
"They're called tees. You rest your balls on them when driving."
"Fuck me, Mercedes think of everything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r8mca/a_golfer_in_his_sl500amg_pulled_into_a_service/
%
3 drunk guys entered a taxi,

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started engine and turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money and the 2nd guy said "Thank you" The 3rd slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r8iy6/3_drunk_guys_entered_a_taxi/
%
How do you discipline your pet rock

You hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r8e5i/how_do_you_discipline_your_pet_rock/
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A Holy Car

A priest decides he’s fed up with his old car. So he goes to a dealership and finds a salesman.
The salesman notices the cross around the priest’s neck and asks,
“Are you, by chance, a man of God, sir?”.
The priest proudly says
“Why yes I am!”.
“Well then,” says the salesman “I think I’ve got just the car for you!”
So the priest follows the salesman into the garage and sees a breathtaking, majestic, white car with a golden cross hood ornament.
“Wow!” says the priest, “It’s beautiful!”
“Yep, she’s a pretty one.” says the salesman, “And you won’t even need a key. She’s voice activated. To make her start, you say ‘Hallelujah’ and to make her stop, you say ‘Amen’.
In love with the car, the priest buys it and enjoys every second in his new ride. He takes every chance he gets to drive it.
One night, driving home after a long week visiting his family, the priest begins to drift into sleep. Trying to stay awake on the dark, empty road, he takes a wrong turn but doesn’t notice.
Suddenly, he jolts awake! He’s speeding down a hill and at the end of it is a huge, gaping chasm in the middle of the road!
The priest slams the brakes, but they do nothing! Terrified, he prays to his God, pleading with everything he has for his protection. When he finishes his prayer, the car jolts to a stop, inches away from certain death.
Overjoyed that God had answered his prayers the priest exclaims “Hallelujah!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r8air/a_holy_car/
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I'm holding a charity night for people that can't reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r89a3/im_holding_a_charity_night_for_people_that_cant/
%
I read a poem about masturbating and crying simultaneously

It was a tear jerker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r88ql/i_read_a_poem_about_masturbating_and_crying/
%
What did Bo Peep say when Woody walked in on her and Buzz cheating?

“You’ve got a friend in me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r85cv/what_did_bo_peep_say_when_woody_walked_in_on_her/
%
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."
A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "I'm playing cards."
"Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.
His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r81we/little_johnny_walks_in_on_his_parents_having_sex/
%
What did the man with a speech impediment name his boat

The S.S. Stutter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r7tmc/what_did_the_man_with_a_speech_impediment_name/
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Kicked the bucket...

You know what my grandfather said right before he kicked the bucket??
He said "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r7sdb/kicked_the_bucket/
%
Say what you will about Trump's Presidency, but you can't overlook what he has accomplished in terms of healthcare specifically life expectancy...

He managed to turn one year into something that feels like an eternity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r7q53/say_what_you_will_about_trumps_presidency_but_you/
%
What does an Aardvark like on its pizza?

Ant-chovies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r7nh9/what_does_an_aardvark_like_on_its_pizza/
%
I scared the postman when i went to the door completely naked .

I don’t know if it was that I was naked or because I knew where he lived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r7mqb/i_scared_the_postman_when_i_went_to_the_door/
%
I can't find anyone to help me deliver my baby.

I'm having a midwife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r7j71/i_cant_find_anyone_to_help_me_deliver_my_baby/
%
A man walks into a Bar.

A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, “May I buy you a cocktail?”
"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r7br2/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.

I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r780l/when_i_was_younger_i_used_to_sell_home_security/
%
What does a vegan cowboy put in his cereal?

Y’ALLMOND MILK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r77uo/what_does_a_vegan_cowboy_put_in_his_cereal/
%
Those girls that say they want to be like Cardi B

Maybe they should try some Cardi O first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r74xb/those_girls_that_say_they_want_to_be_like_cardi_b/
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Remember when a bunch of Redditors started buying coconuts?

I do.
People back then were fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r745q/remember_when_a_bunch_of_redditors_started_buying/
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A couple had been married for sixty years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife remarks, “Just think, sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
"I know,” the old man replies. “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds sixty years ago.”  “Well,” says his wife, “Let’s relive some old times.” Whereupon the two strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. “You know, honey,” the old woman says, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were sixty years ago.” “I’m not surprised,” he responds. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r72ss/a_couple_had_been_married_for_sixty_years/
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What version of the Rolling Stones' "Hey You, Get Off of My Cloud" is played on Scottish Radio?

Hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r6yuu/what_version_of_the_rolling_stones_hey_you_get/
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Why are people eating tide pods?

To clean the gene pool!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r6y8u/why_are_people_eating_tide_pods/
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I bought a wooden whistle

It wooden whistle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r6x2b/i_bought_a_wooden_whistle/
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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt...

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r6q10/one_day_bill_complained_to_his_friend_that_his/
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A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the local supermarket,

But she was having trouble finding one that was large enough for her family.
She decided to ask the shop assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The shop assistant replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r6p4k/a_woman_was_picking_through_the_frozen_turkeys_at/
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The difference in between theory and practice.

Little Joey comes home from school and asks his dad to explain the difference in between theory and practice. Dad agrees and asks Joey to bring his sister.
The dad asks her "would you ever sleep with another guy?"
Sister replies "I would never do such a thing."
"How about for 100 dollars?"
"Never!"
"500?"
"Hmmm, nah."
"1000"
"Yeah, I would"
Dad thanks the sister, sends her off and gets Joey to fetch his mom.
Dad asks "Would you ever sleep with another guy?"
Mom replies "How could I? I'd never cheat on you"
"How about for 100 dollars?"
"No!"
"500?"
"I said I'd never cheat on you"
"1000?"
The mom stops and considers it for a second.
"Well, I guess so. We could do with a few extra dollars in the bank"
The dad turns towards Joey.
"See Jo. In theory we have 2000 dollars, in practice we have two sluts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r6owy/the_difference_in_between_theory_and_practice/
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb

Its a really obscure number you probably haven't heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r6nuj/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What did the pervy frog say?

Rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r6j3n/what_did_the_pervy_frog_say/
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Two blonde pilots...

On their first commercial flight together two blonde pilots, best friends for years, are finally flying together after years of being co-pilots for more experienced captains. The cockpit was finally *theirs*.
The flight goes very smoothly and they congratulate each other as they are coming into land.
As they approach the runway it is obvious they are going much too fast. The back wheels of the plane barely touch asphalt before they leave then airstrip entirely, the plane barreling through tall grass until they crash directly into the side of the airport.
Clearing debris from her face the pilot says to her co-pilot "Oh my god... Did you see that? That runway was **way too short!**"
"Yeah, but it must've been 2 miles wide!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r6gkt/two_blonde_pilots/
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Donald Trump is 6 feet and 3 inches.

Those are two different measurements

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r6czm/donald_trump_is_6_feet_and_3_inches/
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An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

"Daddy!? What is going on?!" the kid spurts out, mouth gaping wide.
The dad, startled, turns around and says "Oh, honey, go to bed. It's fine, mommy and daddy are just playing a game... Give daddy 20 minutes and I'll come tuck you in."
So the kid, shocked, turns and leaves. Walking down the hall he hears his parents giggling at having been caught and can't believe they're *laughing.*
Twenty minutes later the dad goes to tuck him in and hears screaming from down the hall. So he rushes through the door to see what's wrong and sees his son standing there with his pants around his ankles with his grandma spread eagle in front him.
The dad can't believe his eyes and just stares for seconds that go on for eternity, his horror seeking in. Upon seeing that his son looks him in the eye and says,
"Not so funny when it's *your mom* is it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r6cx2/an_11_year_old_boy_is_walking_down_the_hall_of/
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A couple attending an art exhibition...

...Were staring at a painting that had them totally confused.  The painting depicted 3 black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.  The 2 men siting on the ends had black penises, the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The Curator of the museum realized the couple was confused, so he offered them his interpretation of the painting.  He went on an on for nearly a half hour about explaining how it depicted sexual emasculation of african american men in a dominantly white patriarchal society.  In fact, he pointed out, some critics believe the pink penis reflects the cultural and social oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society.
After the curator left, a Scotsman approaches the couple and asked if they'd like to know what that painting is REALLY about?  They said, "How would YOU claim to know more than the curator of the gallery?
He said, "I'm the fella who painted it.  In fact, there's no african american representation in this painting at all...  they're just 3 Scottish coal miners, and the one in the middle went home for lunch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r6cey/a_couple_attending_an_art_exhibition/
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r6b08/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_at/
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I met my girlfriend in a Khoisan Language class

We instantly clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r69f4/i_met_my_girlfriend_in_a_khoisan_language_class/
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My crush is completely paranoid

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r68zb/my_crush_is_completely_paranoid/
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If you want to read the gospel according to Shrek..

open you bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r62p4/if_you_want_to_read_the_gospel_according_to_shrek/
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What is Harry Potter’s favorite method of getting down a hill?

Walking
...
...
...
...
JK, rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r5wii/what_is_harry_potters_favorite_method_of_getting/
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A Jar Full of Hundreds

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar full of $100 bills. He asks the bartender about the jar.
"That jar? You put in your $100 and you go over there behind the first door. See it?"
"Yeah", says the guy. "What's behind it?"
"The ugliest, fattest girl in this county. You have  to have sex with her to completion. Then, you have to go behind the second door right there. In there is Max. Max is a Grizzly Bear that we haven't fed in a week or so. You have to beat Max in a fight. Do both of those and you win the whole jar. Wanna try?"
"Hell no!" the man exclaims.
About an hour and 8 beers later, the man goes in his wallet, fishes out a crisp $100, shows it to the bartender and drops it in the jar and runs behind the door with the Max. There are all types of bumps and crashes heard through the door by the bartender and the bar patrons.
After about five minutes, the man comes staggering out, bloody and bruised with his clothes ripped to shreds and yells out:
"OK, where's that fat chick I'm supposed to fight?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r5sz8/a_jar_full_of_hundreds/
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I always get my fruits mixed up, but don't point it out to anyone.

I don't like being in the lemonlight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r5sjr/i_always_get_my_fruits_mixed_up_but_dont_point_it/
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Two men are talking about their new year's resolutions

Man #1: My new year's resolution was to get my wife pregnant.
Man #2: Woah, that was my resolution too!!
Man #1: Really? I didn't know you were married...
Man #2: I'm not.
Man #1: Then how was your new year's resolution to get your wife pregnant?
Man #2:  I was talking about your wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r5s0o/two_men_are_talking_about_their_new_years/
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My smoking hot, lesbian best friends got me a Rolex for my birthday.

I guess they misheard me when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r5rso/my_smoking_hot_lesbian_best_friends_got_me_a/
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If Trump doesn’t lay off the cheeseburgers...

He’ll be up to 6’5 by next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r5epm/if_trump_doesnt_lay_off_the_cheeseburgers/
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I’ve been kicking ass all day. Not taking names, just kicking ass.

But i work at the census bureau so I should probably start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r5emo/ive_been_kicking_ass_all_day_not_taking_names/
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What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r5ed4/what_kind_of_health_insurance_does_steven_hawking/
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r5e0f/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_twenty_years/
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I broke up with a communist girl.

In hindsight, it was a giant red flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r5dgn/i_broke_up_with_a_communist_girl/
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Today I learned that some people stand up when they wipe.

Well I, for one, won't stand for this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r5df1/today_i_learned_that_some_people_stand_up_when/
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Braile isn't that hard to learn.

You just have to get a feel for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r5d7g/braile_isnt_that_hard_to_learn/
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What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r54nt/what_do_sea_monsters_eat/
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I got a physical today and my doctor said I had to stop masturbating

"why?" I asked
"because i'm trying to give you a physical"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r52wk/i_got_a_physical_today_and_my_doctor_said_i_had/
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A termite walks into a bar....

And asks “is the bar tender here?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r4y22/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The Romans must have sucked at Algebra

Because X was always 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r4j3j/the_romans_must_have_sucked_at_algebra/
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Entropy...

It ain’t what it used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r4iik/entropy/
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Female urologist

Yesterday I had an appointment with an urologist for a preventive check up.
For my surprise the urologist was a very hot looking girl.
She noticed that I was nervous and tried to make me feel more confortable:
- Don't worry! I'm very professional and I've seen and done a lot of things. You don't have to be embarrased, just calm down and tell me your problem and I'll do whatever is needed.
Then I said with a shy but hopeful look:
- So... My wife says that my penis has a weird taste...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r4box/female_urologist/
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My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r4axp/my_dwarf_girlfriend_has_been_a_bit_down_recently/
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Unlike everyone else, I’m not worried about losing my job to robots.

They are yet to come up with a machine that does nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r49cy/unlike_everyone_else_im_not_worried_about_losing/
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A cheese sandwich walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r474h/a_cheese_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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There are two kinds of countries

Those who use the metric system, and those who have their flag on the moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r464i/there_are_two_kinds_of_countries/
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What is green but when you press the button it’s red?

A frog in a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r40oc/what_is_green_but_when_you_press_the_button_its/
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A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2018 SUPER BOWL!!!

...both are box seats. He paid $3,500 each & comes with a limo ride to the stadium, Dinner, $400 bar tab. Thing is he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his Wedding. If you're interested, he's looking for someone to take his place. It's at St Benedicts church in Avon, at 3pm. Her name is Sharon, she's 5'6”, about 135 lbs, great cook, loves to fish, hunt & clean your truck. She'll be in the white dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r3xv8/a_friend_of_mine_has_two_tickets_for_the_2018/
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India is credited with creating the concept of 0.

Thanks for nothing, India.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r3swz/india_is_credited_with_creating_the_concept_of_0/
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What has 50 feet and 9 teeth?

Front row at a Kid Rock concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r3r2u/what_has_50_feet_and_9_teeth/
%
I just saw an Indian guy shaking a piece of carpet outside his door.

I said, "Whats up, Won't it start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r3msk/i_just_saw_an_indian_guy_shaking_a_piece_of/
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
The bouncer is a blonde girl
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r3hbs/an_old_blind_cowboy_wanders_into_a_bar/
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People who eat Tide Pods are idiots.

The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r3cc7/people_who_eat_tide_pods_are_idiots/
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A magician says to his audience...

A magician says to his audience "I can make myself appear in 100 different places in this room". He says "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Nothing happens so he tries once again, "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Still nothing happens. Flustered he asks to be excused while he checks his handbook. He closes the book and says " Sorry, I've been saying the wrong magic word, 3, 2, 1, Allahu Akbar!" Needless to say his audience was blown away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r3av4/a_magician_says_to_his_audience/
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After my wife died I couldn’t look at a woman for twenty years.

But when I got out of prison it was totally worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r2vy3/after_my_wife_died_i_couldnt_look_at_a_woman_for/
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Freudian Slip

Two men are sitting at a bar together, one with a black eye, having a pint.  Eventually the unbruised one asks his friend about the eye.
"Ah, I had a bit of a Freudian slip this morning.  I needed to buy two train tickets to Pittsburgh, and the girl behind the counter had ENORMOUS knockers.  So, unfortunately, what came out was "I need two pickets to Tittsburgh."
His buddy takes a sip off his drink and replies, "Yeah, I've had that type of thing happen before.  The other day, I was having breakfast with my wife and when I went to ask her to 'Please pass me the salt' what came out was 'You fucking cunt, you ruined my life.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r2u4t/freudian_slip/
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I like using self-deprecating humor.

I'm just not very good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r2sps/i_like_using_selfdeprecating_humor/
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I work on a jaundice support hotline.

The boss was not too pleased I was answering the phone with: yellow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r2s4h/i_work_on_a_jaundice_support_hotline/
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My blonde girlfriend and I got into an argument because I accused her of being stupid. Eventually she jumped up out of her chair and yelled, “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t walk out that door!”

I replied, “The plane hasn’t landed yet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r2o9d/my_blonde_girlfriend_and_i_got_into_an_argument/
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Whats the difference between the government and corporations

One controls politics, the other is the government

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r2lzb/whats_the_difference_between_the_government_and/
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A Dog and a Butcher

A dog walks into a butchers shop and the butcher asks “What do you want”.
The dog points to some steak in a glass case and the butcher says “How many pounds”, the dog barks twice
“Anything else” asks the butcher.
The dog points at some pork chops and barks four times. The butcher wraps up the steak and chops and puts them in the dogs mouth.
He takes the money from a purse around the dogs neck and shows him out.
A customer who has been watching in amazement follows the dog to a house where it jumps up and rings the bell. The owner comes to the door and the customer says “What a remarkable dog you have there”
“Remarkable my arse” says the owner. “That’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his bloody keys!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r2l8j/a_dog_and_a_butcher/
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Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r2kl8/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r2kcr/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r2irn/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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To any redditors using the toilet right now who want a good joke...

Look down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r2ini/to_any_redditors_using_the_toilet_right_now_who/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just
insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r2ee8/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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Sometimes I like to grab my ankles and lean forward

But that's just how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r2bzn/sometimes_i_like_to_grab_my_ankles_and_lean/
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Why are pirates so thicc?

Because of the seven c's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r29mb/why_are_pirates_so_thicc/
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National Hell

A Venezuelan and American arrive in Hell at the same time, Hell is short-staffed, and so they have orientation together. They are told part of their punishment is eating buckets of human excrement. Normally they would be segregated by nationality, but since they are together now they can each choose which part of Hell they want to end up in. "What's the difference between American and Venezuelan Hell?" asks the American. "In American Hell you have to eat one bucket of excrement a day, in Venezuelan Hell you have to eat 5 buckets of excrement." he is told. "Well, I'm definitely picking American Hell." he decides. "What about you?" the Venezuelan is asked. The Venezuelan thinks about it and says, "I have been a Venezuelan all my life and I will spend eternity in Venezuelan Hell." The American is surprised and tries to talk his new friend into joining him in American Hell, pointing out how much less excrement he'll have to eat, but the Venezuelan is undeterred. A few months later the Venezuelan sees the American in the distance and goes over to say hi. He asks him how things are in American Hell. "It is Hell," says the American, "but after I eat my bucket of excrement I have the rest of the day to myself. How about you?" "Well, you know Venezuela. Some days the excrement doesn't show up and when it does there's never enough for everybody."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r288z/national_hell/
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My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...

And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r266e/my_psychiatrist_diagnosed_me_with_multiple/
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The opposite of pro is con.

The opposite of progress is congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r20u1/the_opposite_of_pro_is_con/
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What is the difference between a rock and a pebble?

One is a little bolder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1zu7/what_is_the_difference_between_a_rock_and_a_pebble/
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How do they call dog cakes in Turkey?

Barklava.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1z6x/how_do_they_call_dog_cakes_in_turkey/
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink.

The bartender says, For you? No charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1yb9/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_how_much_for/
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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in......

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to the fri-
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."
The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1ufs/a_women_is_cooking_eggs_in_the_kitchen_when_her/
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Some Exes are like farts...

By the time you realized they're actually pieces of shit its already too late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1tsp/some_exes_are_like_farts/
%
Why does Loki hate talking about his brother?

It’s a Thor thubject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1tgo/why_does_loki_hate_talking_about_his_brother/
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I never liked rape jokes

It always feels like they're forced upon you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1rac/i_never_liked_rape_jokes/
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Why are prisons banned from using Comcast Xfinity?

Because then their cells would have no bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1r6l/why_are_prisons_banned_from_using_comcast_xfinity/
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Old man at a nursing home.

There was an old man in a nursing home who had felt lonely since his wife had passed. and everyday he would sit at the same bench and stare at the trees in the yard.
And elderly woman walked up to him one day and began to talk to him. She heard his story and was saddened and asked if there was anything she could do to cheer him up. "actually" the man spoke "you could hold my penis"
At first the lady thought this was strange but she figured since she wasnt doing anything bad; just holding his penis, that theres no harm done.
Day after day shed meet the guy and hold his penis and they would talk for hours on end. She began to enjoy the time and thought nothing about the penis holding.
One day she went to the spot to find that the man was not there. For the next week she didnt see her friend at the bench and began to worry. She found a worker and asked "did he pass away?" scared for the answer. The worker responded "Oh, No! He's been by the pool side everyday for about a week now."
The elderly lady didn't quite understand why but she walked over to the pool house to find him. Once she got there she saw him sitting next to the pool with another woman holding his penis! She was irate!
"What's this?" she yelled at him "Was my company not good enough for you? What does this girl have that i don't?"
The man looked up with a smile and said one word
"parkinsons"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1nfv/old_man_at_a_nursing_home/
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Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench

One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1n6p/two_homeless_dudes_sit_on_a_park_bench/
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A hot female employee filed a sexual harrassment complaint.

Hot employee: Sir I would like to file a complaint to my boss.
HR Dep: So miss what did he say, or do to you that would make you file a complaint?
Hot employee: he said the other day that my hair smelled sweet and alluring.
HR Dep: I don't see anything wrong that would incite or imply any sexual harassment. He just complimented that your hair smells good.
Hot employee: SIR YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY BOSS IS A MIDGET!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1kwg/a_hot_female_employee_filed_a_sexual_harrassment/
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My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1hld/my_attractive_female_neighbor_is_completely/
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Why doesn’t Bruce Willis take viagra?

He doesn’t want to diehard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1dn3/why_doesnt_bruce_willis_take_viagra/
%
What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime?

"I'm in a cent"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1dky/what_did_abraham_lincoln_say_when_he_was_falesly/
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It has been reported that there is a hole in the ground.

We are currently looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r1cy3/it_has_been_reported_that_there_is_a_hole_in_the/
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Why can communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r192x/why_can_communists_only_drink_herbal_tea/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate it's tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r18wr/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
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Business Trip

On a recent business trip
I was checking-in to my hotel and I said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r18k1/business_trip/
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My wife just told me that she lost 30 pounds overnight.

It turns out she was using Trump's scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r15fl/my_wife_just_told_me_that_she_lost_30_pounds/
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The biggest difference between men and women lies in the accentuation:

"What an ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r13hx/the_biggest_difference_between_men_and_women_lies/
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A poor Russian village girl is visited by her Moscovian uncle

while her father and mother are out working from the crack of dawn, the uncle only sits and drinks cheep beer and Vodka. He complains loudly about being poor and having nothing to drink but bad beer. He moans about how the view from his apartment window looks out on the grey slabs of the building next door. The girl asks her uncle,
"Why are you so lazy? Perhaps if you worked a bit, and didn't sit around drinking all day, you wouldn't be so poor."
"Non-sense!" replied her uncle "just look at your parents. They work like dogs from the crack of dawn, and they're still impoverished villagers. Work all you want in this country, you'll still be poor as a pauper."
"But I see men in new shiny black cars drive through this village every day. Surely they have become rich somehow. If not through work, how did they do it?"
Her uncle looked grave and said to her "I'll tell you the secret to getting rich in this country."
Then he leaned over and whispered something in her ear.
A few weeks later, the girl's high school held a prom. Everyone was asked to bring a dish for the pre-prom lunch. There were big pots of soup, roast hams, casseroles, and cakes. Everyone brought a traditional Russian dish, except the girl. Who brought a giant pot of American southern baked beans. At first, her classmates looked at her askance, that she had brought such a non-traditional food to the feast, but when they tasted the sweat caramely sauce, they pile the beans onto their plates.
Later at the dance, everyone was either on the floor, swinging away, or sitting at one of the decorated tables sipping sparkling wine with their friends. Only the girl sat in the corner on board which had been fastened to the wall of the gymnasium to be used as a bench.
As the girl was very pretty, every now and then a boy would come up and ask her for a dance. She always refused, saying she was fine where she was.
After a little while, as their digestive systems had started to kick in, people started passing gass. They were horribly embarrassed, not accustomed to the affects of souther baked beans. The girl also passed some gass, but sitting on the bench at the side of the hall, no one could hear her.
Then, at one moment, the girlfriend of the governor's son let out a long loud toot. She was flustered, embarrassed, hiding her face in her hands she ran from the hall.
The governor's son tried to stand straight and look dignified. He started to walk after her, but she let out another long loud toot that everyone could hear. He walked back to the refreshments table, and poored himself a glass of bourbon. Then, looked around for another girl he could dance with. But all were taken. Only one was left, sitting on a board at the edge of the hall.
She was pretty enough, and so he sauntered over to ask her to dance.
The girl realized that it would be rude to refuse a dance from the governors son, so she stepped up, and smiling shyly, blushing from the unexpected offer she began to dance with him. He felt her shy, anxious smile as a smile of glowing warmth and tenderness.
As they danced, he fell in love with her.
Two months later, they were married and they set off on their honeymoon throughout Russia. In Moscow, she directed him to drive to one of the many grey apartment complex at the edge of the city. He was shocked and startled that she would want to visit such a dreary place.
"I just have a task to do. It'll only take a moment." she said.
Not wanting to disappoint his new bride, he consented and they drove up in their shiny black car.
"I'll be back in a moment." she called. And ran up the stairs.
When she opened the door to her uncle's apartment he looked out at her with a bemused and surprised expression.
"Just over two months ago you were a poor girl living in a village, and now you come visit me in a black Mercedes? How much has changed!"
"Oh, and it's all thanks to you dear uncle!" She shouted. "You told me, that the only way to get rich in Russia is to sit on a board at gazprom! I did just that and now I'm married to the governor's son!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r10ze/a_poor_russian_village_girl_is_visited_by_her/
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A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass...

Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man
"Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.
"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree".
"Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the manager answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.
One of the poor fellows turned to the Manager and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r0x78/a_highly_successful_manager_was_going_home_in_his/
%
An old married could sitting on their rocking chairs out on the porch watching the sunset...

Rocking away enjoying the sunset, when the woman takes her cane and suddenly smacks the old man on the leg.
"Hey... what was that for?" he protests
"For 60 years of bad sex!" she says.
They go back to rocking.
A few moments later he takes his cane and smacks her on the leg.
"Hey... what was that for?" she cries.
"That's for knowing the difference!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r0qck/an_old_married_could_sitting_on_their_rocking/
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When my grandfather came to America he was told the streets were paved with gold

And when he got to America he found out three things:
1. That the streets were not paved with gold
2. That the streets were not paved
3. That he was gonna be the guy paving them
[old Shelley Berman joke, told by Lorne Michaels in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r0kci/when_my_grandfather_came_to_america_he_was_told/
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What type of roller coaster goes through the Bronx?

The type where people scream in the flat parts.
-Jerry Seinfeld

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r0il3/what_type_of_roller_coaster_goes_through_the_bronx/
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There were some monks in a monastery...

...and they were looking after homeless people. The first homeless person goes up to the Abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned". The Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man replies "I stole money from a shop", "Go and drink from the fountain and you'll feel better.
The second homeless man goes up and explains that he had sinned by cheating on his wife. The Abbot again tells him to go and drink from  the fountain and he would feel better.
The third homeless man goes up to the abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned" the Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man answers "I peed in the fountain".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r0cx5/there_were_some_monks_in_a_monastery/
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A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint.....

when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"
The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.
The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"
The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink.
The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."
The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r0atj/a_koala_was_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint/
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I was in a relationship with Lorraine, but fell in love with Claire Lee.

When Lorraine found out, she left me. Then I realized
I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r0ask/i_was_in_a_relationship_with_lorraine_but_fell_in/
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What was so wrong with USA...

...that they had to go and make USB?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r079a/what_was_so_wrong_with_usa/
%
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?

Ten-ants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r05xm/how_many_ants_are_needed_to_fill_an_apartment/
%
What do you call an Egyptian chef?

Gordon Ramses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r03yj/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_chef/
%
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many',

and the word 'ticks',
meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7r02r4/the_word_politics_is_derived_from_the_word_poly/
%
Most gays I know..

are fucking assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qzvn1/most_gays_i_know/
%
What’s the difficulty when your ex calls to tell you she got tested positive for HIV?

To seem to be surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qztzt/whats_the_difficulty_when_your_ex_calls_to_tell/
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Why was the chef late to work?

He ran out of thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qznzw/why_was_the_chef_late_to_work/
%
How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin?

Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qzmcj/how_do_you_make_a_small_fortune_from_investing_in/
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What is the difference between a arts graduate and a large pizza ?

Pizza can feed a family of four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qzmbm/what_is_the_difference_between_a_arts_graduate/
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qzh1e/what_did_the_nut_say_when_it_was_chasing_the/
%
How is eating pussy the same as talking to the cops?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qzehc/how_is_eating_pussy_the_same_as_talking_to_the/
%
So a guy asked a girl in a library

A guy asked a girl in a library: Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice: I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU! All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right? The guy responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears: I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qzbrl/so_a_guy_asked_a_girl_in_a_library/
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Breaking News

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?
Husband: She is playing on the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qza74/breaking_news/
%
If you could save a child from a horrible disease and a lifetime of misery, or have a light saber...

what color would you pick?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qz56u/if_you_could_save_a_child_from_a_horrible_disease/
%
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qz50a/at_a_hotel_restaurant_a_man_sees_an_attractive/
%
My mom asked me to paint her room for her.

Apparently duct taping spray paint cans to a roomba Is “not helping” and “why we don’t love you anymore”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qz1zi/my_mom_asked_me_to_paint_her_room_for_her/
%
What a horrible way to die

Two guys meet up in a bar.
The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!
" "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him?
What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qyyr8/what_a_horrible_way_to_die/
%
My brother just broke my lamp

I'm not sure that I'll be able to look at him in the same light ever again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qyyob/my_brother_just_broke_my_lamp/
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We lost a brave soldier today, died from a fatal wound to the aorta...

But he did not die in vein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qyxgb/we_lost_a_brave_soldier_today_died_from_a_fatal/
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How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

ask them to pronounce unionized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qywzp/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_plumber/
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If women say men only think with their penis...

Will she be offended if I ask her to blow my mind?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qysrt/if_women_say_men_only_think_with_their_penis/
%
A boy asks his father

"Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qypot/a_boy_asks_his_father/
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Everybody makes race relations seem so complicated

But really the issue is pretty black and white

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qyp2z/everybody_makes_race_relations_seem_so_complicated/
%
I decided not to donate money to a blind children's charity

It's not like the kids will see any of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qybzw/i_decided_not_to_donate_money_to_a_blind/
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The lesbians next door bought me a nice Rolex for my birthday.

I'm trying to be grateful for the thoughtful gift, but I can't help but think they misunderstood when I'd told them that for my birthday, "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qy9d5/the_lesbians_next_door_bought_me_a_nice_rolex_for/
%
Every year, thousands of kids are shipped off to mime school

Never to be heard from again!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qy8q7/every_year_thousands_of_kids_are_shipped_off_to/
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A pirate walks into a bar...

.. with a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants.
The bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?"
"Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qy7nu/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Doctor- “I’ve got good news and bad news...

“Take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life and all your symptoms will disappear.”
Man- “That’s great! But I see there are only three pills in this bottle.”
Doctor- “Yeah, well... I was getting to the bad news.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qy6p3/doctor_ive_got_good_news_and_bad_news/
%
I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qy61w/i_told_my_friend_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
%
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, ‘Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?’
The husband says, ‘What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?’
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, ‘Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?’
He says: ‘What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?’
Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, ‘Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?’
He says, ‘What do I look like, Bob Vila?’
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
‘Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,’ she says.
‘Great! How much is that going to cost me?’ he snarls.
Wife says: ‘Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.’
‘Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?’ asks the husband.
‘What do I look like,’ she says, ‘Betty Crocker?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qxywa/a_newlywed_couple_moves_into_their_new_house/
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What do you call a monkey in a minefield

A BABOOM !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qxlzm/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_in_a_minefield/
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It's funny that condoms are ribbed for her pleasure...

Because in Genesis, God ribbed Adam for Eve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qxi5t/its_funny_that_condoms_are_ribbed_for_her_pleasure/
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What's the difference between a Philosopher and a Theologian?

A philosopher is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there and finds it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qxge7/whats_the_difference_between_a_philosopher_and_a/
%
What do you call an abusive mother hen?

An egg beater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qx9go/what_do_you_call_an_abusive_mother_hen/
%
Why did the dictator ban carousel rides in his country?

He deemed them revolutionary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qx8nj/why_did_the_dictator_ban_carousel_rides_in_his/
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I moved into an apartment over a bank.

My assets over five million dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qx1hu/i_moved_into_an_apartment_over_a_bank/
%
I was in a job interview when the manager handed me his laptop and says “I want you to try to sell this to me”

So I closed it, put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said, “You bring it back here right now” I said, “$100 and it’s yours”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qx1fl/i_was_in_a_job_interview_when_the_manager_handed/
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You guys hear about that duck with an addiction problem?

He likes to smoke quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qwuc3/you_guys_hear_about_that_duck_with_an_addiction/
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What is a great gift for a struggling rock band?

Stage presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qwtfr/what_is_a_great_gift_for_a_struggling_rock_band/
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What was Justin Timberlake's biggest hit in Russia?

Crimea River

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qwrki/what_was_justin_timberlakes_biggest_hit_in_russia/
%
People are like drums.

They make noise when you hit them with sticks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qwoom/people_are_like_drums/
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I've been taught only 25 letters of the alphabet

I still don't know y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qwlk7/ive_been_taught_only_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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If you’re skinny but identify as a fat person...

Would that make you a trans-fat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qwhr0/if_youre_skinny_but_identify_as_a_fat_person/
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Doctor! Doctor! I seem to have five penises

How does your underwear fit?
Like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qwce8/doctor_doctor_i_seem_to_have_five_penises/
%
Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qw3sz/everyone_in_hawaii_is_mad_about_the_malfunction/
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What do you call a woman who is really good at catching fish?

Annette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qvygv/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_is_really_good_at/
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Converting bears

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qvx6f/converting_bears/
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Why didn’t Ken ever get Barbie pregnant? (Nsfw)

He came in a different box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qvukf/why_didnt_ken_ever_get_barbie_pregnant_nsfw/
%
An old lady gets on a bus

She sits across from these two foreign guys who are deep in conversation. She can't help but overhear one of them saying -
"Emma come first. Then I come. A-two asses, they come together. Then I come again. Two asses, then I pee pee. Then I come again."
The old lady is horrified, and says to both men "You should be ashamed of yourselves, having such a vulgar conversation in public!"
To which the man replies "What? I just try to teach my friend how to spell Mississippi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qvlvr/an_old_lady_gets_on_a_bus/
%
I told my wife "if ever I become comatose and depend on a machine for my survival, unplug me"

She unplugged the computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qvkss/i_told_my_wife_if_ever_i_become_comatose_and/
%
Each president has subconsciously affected the porn industry in various ways [NSFW]

During the Clinton era, infidelity and work place scenarios became really popular.
During the Bush years, the demand for "dumb blonde" types hit an all time high.
During Obama's presidency, the interracial genre took off.
And recently, incest porn has become really popular.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qvfxb/each_president_has_subconsciously_affected_the/
%
After practicing for 30 years, my best friend finally achieved the world record for "farthest ejaculation distance

I'm proud of him for how far he's come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qvcxt/after_practicing_for_30_years_my_best_friend/
%
A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent they only look at the 10% that isn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qv491/a_bikini_is_an_outfit_where_90_of_a_womans_body/
%
What’s better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

Not being handicapped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qv32a/whats_better_than_winning_gold_at_the_paralympics/
%
A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K. She asked, 'What does that mean?' He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.' She said, Oh that's so lovely. And what about I, J, K?' , He said, 'I'm Just Kidding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qv2op/a_wife_asked_her_husband_to_describe_her/
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[NSFW] Do you know of the voodoo dick?

This Forbes made man has this trophy wife. She is horny as fuck... like... all the time. He is aware of this and happy about it.
He needs to go on business for a week. And he fears, knowing all too well that his wife can not resist getting fucked. So like any good husband he sets out to purchase a "toy" for her while he is away in order to keep her satisfied, and not have her lusting other men.
He discreetly enters one such shop to provide it. The owner is happy to help, but nothing seems to be adequate enough for the wife.
"one moment" the owner says. He goes into the back closet, and returns with a vintage wooden box. He opens it and there is a laminated wooden dildo.
"so? i don't think that will do the trick" the man says, but the owner informs him that this is the VOODOO DICK.
"im happy to show you. VOODOO DICK... the door." The VDD then floats out of the box and starts mashing the doorknob at the store entrance. "Then when you want it to stop you say 'VOODOO DICK BACK IN THE BOX." As soon as he said that it returned to the box.
"Damn ill take it"
So the man leaves it on the dresser with a mushy note right before he left. He told her how to activate it... but he forgot how to tell her how to make it stop. Inevitably she is ready to get plowed and goes to use it.
"VOODOO DICK... muh pussy" and she gets it on. After a while she cant take anymore, but doesnt know how to stop it. So she puts up with it. later she needs to go to the store, and she is worried about having to drive.
On the way she starts to have another orgasm which causes her to swerve. This caused the police car behind her to pull her over.
"Ma'am you know you were swerving right, have you been drinking?"
"No officer, you dont understand... its... there is this voodoo dick"
"Ha...
VOODOO DICK MY ASS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qv04t/nsfw_do_you_know_of_the_voodoo_dick/
%
What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7quyd5/what_do_you_call_a_drummer_who_just_broke_up_with/
%
I almost had sex with a Hawaiian...

But I ended up prematurely evacuating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7quv2f/i_almost_had_sex_with_a_hawaiian/
%
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7quriu/brian_the_worlds_leading_expert_on_european_wasps/
%
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick

I accidentally passed her a glue stick and
she still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7quq2x/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
%
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qunt7/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
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My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qunmx/my_mum_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_was_going_to/
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What would happen if the United States were to switch from Pounds to Kilograms over night?

*A Mass Confusion*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qudmd/what_would_happen_if_the_united_states_were_to/
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A man wanted to became a monk...

So he spoke to the Abbot.
He was told he must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.
The man agreed and after the first three years the Abbot asked him what his two words were.
"Food's cold" he replied.
3 years went by and the Abbot asked him again what his two words were.
"Dirty rooms" he replied.
3 more years went by in the Abbot ask him what his words were.
"I quit!" He replied
The Abbot responded "Well, I'm not surprised. All you've done is complain since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qu7vd/a_man_wanted_to_became_a_monk/
%
My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well," she said, "I've lost a stone. Can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone," I said. "Can you see a difference?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qu6v5/my_wife_changed_into_her_bikini_at_the_beach_and/
%
So a man gets off work and is headed to his favorite diner for his favorite meal.

So one Friday, this guy gets off work and hes is really craving his usual Friday meal, some vegetable soup from his favorite diner. He arrives, sits down at his table and asks the waiter for the usual.
"One bowl of vegetable soup, please!" The waiter responds "I'm so sorry sir, but the gentleman at that table over there has just received the last bowl of vegetable soup we had for the night, and we have none left."
Distraught, the man orders a burger and watches the other man longingly. The other man is sitting at a table with a steaming bowl full of vegetable soup, reading a newspaper. The smell fills the room, and antagonizes the hungry patron every moment he's denied his favorite dish.
After several minutes of waiting, the hungry man notices the other guy hasn't so much as looked at the bowl of delicious soup, much less tasted it.
The man decides enough is enough, so he rushes over to the table and says "Sir, are you going to eat this soup?" The other man simply shakes his head "no", and without waiting for an explanation the hungry man steals the bowl of soup, rushing back to his table, and begins to devour it hungrily.
He's enjoying every bit of his favorite meal, when he gets to the bottom and notices an old bandaid, complete with a few hairs stuck to the adhesive. Repulsed, the man immediately vomits up all of the soup he'd just eaten into the bowl, when the other man yells to him,
"Yeah, same thing happened to me when I found that bandaid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qu6s6/so_a_man_gets_off_work_and_is_headed_to_his/
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Eric & Don Jr were building a house & Eric was throwing away every second nail

Don Jr: "What the hell is wrong with these nails?"
Eric: "The fvcking heads are on the wrong end"
Don Jr: "You idiot! These are for the other side of the house"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qu4zd/eric_don_jr_were_building_a_house_eric_was/
%
I am occasionally forced to wear women's clothes.

It's a real drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qu3sj/i_am_occasionally_forced_to_wear_womens_clothes/
%
College sure is expensive these days...

Instead of tuition, we pay threeition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qu3lr/college_sure_is_expensive_these_days/
%
A lonely man sits at the bar...

He watches a goofy looking little man sitting and talking to a gorgeous lady, eventually walking out arm in arm.
He asks the bartender "How does he do that?"
Bartender replies "I dunno. He's here every night, and takes home the prettiest lady in the bar every time. And all he does is sit back there in that booth and lick his eyebrows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qtztp/a_lonely_man_sits_at_the_bar/
%
A man goes to the doctors with a steering wheel down his pants...

The doctor says “Is it annoying you?”
The man says “It’s driving me nuts”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qty2p/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors_with_a_steering_wheel/
%
I like to wear a miniskirt at work

. It suits me well and it puts my legs in values. But it bothers me a little when there is wind because my colleagues tell me: "We see your balls Brad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qtxir/i_like_to_wear_a_miniskirt_at_work/
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Marketing

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.  However, people often ask for an expanded explanation of  "Marketing."  Well, here it is:
You're an attractive woman, and you see a handsome guy at  a party.  You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct  Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends, and see a handsome guy.  One of your friends goes up to him and, starts pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party.  You  go up to him and get his telephone number.  The next day you call and say, "Hi,  I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress.  You walk up to him and pour him a drink.  You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm  fantastic in bed."
That's Public  Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.  He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand  Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.  He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him, so he calls you.
That's Tech  Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.
You are at a party; this old man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's Bill Clinton
You didn't mind it, but twenty years later, your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That's  America!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qtx1a/marketing/
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An infallible way of curing a headache...

Put your head through a window and the pane will disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qtvo5/an_infallible_way_of_curing_a_headache/
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I think that we should officially change our currency to balloons.

You could much more easily control inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qtuqs/i_think_that_we_should_officially_change_our/
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Step 1: Adopt a religion.

Step 2: ????
Step 3: Prophet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qtrw9/step_1_adopt_a_religion/
%
Why isn’t Hitler in Mario Kart?

Because he can’t finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qtob7/why_isnt_hitler_in_mario_kart/
%
Officer: I have an easy job for the laziest man here.

Put up your hand if you are the laziest.
Out of the 25 recruits, 24 raised their hands.
Officer: why didn't you raise your hand?
The One: Too much trouble raising the hand, Sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qtmw4/officer_i_have_an_easy_job_for_the_laziest_man/
%
I asked my bookshop if they had a book on Werner Heisenberg.

The shop assistant said "In principle we do, but I'm uncertain".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qtg0n/i_asked_my_bookshop_if_they_had_a_book_on_werner/
%
What separates the men from the boys?

A condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qtdmr/what_separates_the_men_from_the_boys/
%
The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.

And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qt6zh/the_doctor_gave_me_one_year_to_live_so_in_the/
%
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.

Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qt6r9/my_girlfriend_wanted_a_marriage_just_like_a_fairy/
%
If I had a quarter for every existing gender,

I’d have $0.50 and a bunch of counterfeits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qt4ex/if_i_had_a_quarter_for_every_existing_gender/
%
NSFW - My hot lesbian neighbours...

My hot lesbian neighbours started scissoring in front of me on my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I want a watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qt1z1/nsfw_my_hot_lesbian_neighbours/
%
Lady of my dreams

The wife checked  her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed the third  number her own phone rang !!!!
She cried until she could cry no more because she had doubted  her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month's paycheck to make up for her doubts and mistrust.
Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewelery and gave him the money as well.
Husband took the money and bought a gift for his mistress who listed under "Plumber John".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qt1xv/lady_of_my_dreams/
%
How do you make a firefly happy?

You cut off its tail. It will be delighted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qsyob/how_do_you_make_a_firefly_happy/
%
Flight attendant: could I offer you some free headphones?

Passenger: Yes please but how did you know my name was Phones?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qsuwq/flight_attendant_could_i_offer_you_some_free/
%
I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qsmzc/i_found_a_wallet_today_and_as_a_good_christian_i/
%
There’s a lunatic in the market defiling all of the groceries!

He’s fucking nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qskox/theres_a_lunatic_in_the_market_defiling_all_of/
%
How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?

Pull down it’s genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qsimv/how_do_you_tell_the_sex_of_a_chromosome/
%
What gender do AI identify as?

Probably not non-binary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qsi12/what_gender_do_ai_identify_as/
%
What's the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patrick's Day?

On St. Patrick's Day, everybody want to be Irish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qsg5i/whats_the_difference_between_martin_luther_king/
%
How can you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water, if it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats, buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qsenr/how_can_you_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant/
%
Computer virus are no joke

I used to have a girlfriend but she ransomware﻿.
I WannaCry now... ;(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qscov/computer_virus_are_no_joke/
%
So I got fired from my job last night for being a 'Pervert'

I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qsbua/so_i_got_fired_from_my_job_last_night_for_being_a/
%
All I'm saying is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago

...and they still don't have any illegal Mexicans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qs3vk/all_im_saying_is_the_chinese_built_a_wall_2000/
%
You know what is brave? Running against a wall completely naked with a boner.

You know what is embarrassing? Breaking your nose doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qrzv9/you_know_what_is_brave_running_against_a_wall/
%
I lost my job as a bank teller on my first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I shoved her and she fell down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qrxz1/i_lost_my_job_as_a_bank_teller_on_my_first_day/
%
Isis sent me a sex doll today

It's great! It blows it self up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qrxii/isis_sent_me_a_sex_doll_today/
%
Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qrwkz/did_you_hear_about_the_drummer_who_gave_all_his/
%
When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend...

Then I saw the next two letters...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qrvao/when_i_noticed_hi_in_the_alphabet_i_thought/
%
High command asked a new recruit:

"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
"If I can't be a pilot, no one else can!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qrssd/high_command_asked_a_new_recruit/
%
My uncle used to warn me about anal

He said, "Brace yourself. I am coming in dry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qrr7v/my_uncle_used_to_warn_me_about_anal/
%
Someone gave me a book on anger Management

I lost it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qrqay/someone_gave_me_a_book_on_anger_management/
%
If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qrn5q/if_you_buy_a_goat_for_10_and_named_him_mohammed/
%
I have a phobia of the square root of 2

It’s just one of my irrational fears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qrk3s/i_have_a_phobia_of_the_square_root_of_2/
%
Dead baby jokes are an acquired taste...

...much like the babies themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qrjgn/dead_baby_jokes_are_an_acquired_taste/
%
Why can't blueberry bagels fly?

Because, then they would be plane bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qri8o/why_cant_blueberry_bagels_fly/
%
what's the best thing about necrophilia?

you don't have to bring the flowers.
it's already there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qrh5v/whats_the_best_thing_about_necrophilia/
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A Rottweiler, Pit Bull, and Great Dane are in kennels at the vet.

The Rott says "my owner's kid got close to my bowl while I was eating so I bit her face. I'm here to be put down."
The Pit says "I keep getting nervous and pissing all over the carpet. My owner's sick of it and I'm here to be put down."
The Dane says "My owner is a beautiful 22 year old college student. One day she got out of the shower and was bending over to dry off. I couldn't help myself so I mounted her and fucked her brains out."
The other dogs shake their heads "so she's putting you down too."
The Dane looks surprised. "What? No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qrgyn/a_rottweiler_pit_bull_and_great_dane_are_in/
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It's a real shame that, in this day and age, Barrack Obama had to give his speech about Martin Luther King Jr., while standing behind bullet proof glass...

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot somebody...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qretj/its_a_real_shame_that_in_this_day_and_age_barrack/
%
What do you call a low-quality golf course?

Subpar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qrav8/what_do_you_call_a_lowquality_golf_course/
%
When people ask me what I do for a living I just tell them I'm a senior analyst

It sounds better than saying I just stare at old people all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qra0a/when_people_ask_me_what_i_do_for_a_living_i_just/
%
I used to have breast cancer

Had to get that off my chest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qr42r/i_used_to_have_breast_cancer/
%
My friend told me to blow him

I'm not a fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qr0a4/my_friend_told_me_to_blow_him/
%
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qqyd2/do_you_want_a_brief_explanation_of_what_an_acorn/
%
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow?

A reprimand from the Scientific Integrity and Professional Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of your grant funding...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qqxyj/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_octopus_with_a/
%
I want to say comforters are superior to quilts

But I don’t like to make blanket statements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qqwiw/i_want_to_say_comforters_are_superior_to_quilts/
%
The paradox of a job...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are under qualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qqlzh/the_paradox_of_a_job/
%
A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint... …

A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.
"Bullshit!", he exclaims in response. "I haven't had a single drop! The machine is obviously broken, test it on my wife!"
The policeman reluctantly agrees as the man does not seem intoxicated. As the wife is blowing into the breathalizer, it beeps again and shows that she is drunk as well.
"See? It doesn't work! You can even test my 4-year-old son!"
So the 4-year-old kid takes the breathalizer test and whaddaya know, it says he's drunk as well. "As I said it's broken, you should get it checked."
The policeman is left puzzled, he apologises and lets the man on his way.
As they start driving along again, the man turns to his wife and says: "You see that? I told you it won't hurt to give the kid a taste."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qqj12/a_man_gets_pulled_over_at_a_dui_checkpoint/
%
How do we get Fat?

Just take a bite out of the word Eat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qqglg/how_do_we_get_fat/
%
I installed this new clickbait electrical system

What happened next was shocking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qqfef/i_installed_this_new_clickbait_electrical_system/
%
A boy visited the zoo and the only animal inside was a dog...

It was a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qq9km/a_boy_visited_the_zoo_and_the_only_animal_inside/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

a ripoff..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qq8fj/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
What do you call it when you take a girl out for a nice dinner then force her to listen to your rhymes?

Date rap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qq7j3/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_take_a_girl_out_for/
%
What’s worse than a lobster on a piano?

A crab on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qq4ub/whats_worse_than_a_lobster_on_a_piano/
%
What is a Vietnamese sandwich maker’s favorite pick up line?

Banh mi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qq2gz/what_is_a_vietnamese_sandwich_makers_favorite/
%
Rabbi

A priest, a rabbi and a monk are on a boat that has just capsized. The monk yells, "We must save the children!" The rabbi replies, "Fuck the children!" Then the priest asks, "Do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qq1ns/rabbi/
%
Why did the police officer arrest a sapling?

He committed tree-son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qpw6w/why_did_the_police_officer_arrest_a_sapling/
%
Veteran reintegrating into civilian life

A military veteran is assimilating back to civilian life and begins applying for jobs. He puts in an application with the state hoping for a 9-5 office job with decent benefits. They call him in for an interview. The interviewer is looking over his application and asks him about his military service. "Yessir," says the vet, "I was stationed in Iraq and then Afghanistan before being honorably discharged." "Thank you for your service." says the interviewer. "We do like to support our veterans." Then the interviewer gets a thought. "You aren't by any chance disabled in some way are you? We could check off another box and you'd be even more hireable." "Actually, I am." He replies. "I was hit by an IED and was emasculated in the process. I'm considered fully disabled (hence the discharge) but it doesn't really stop me from doing anything other than the obvious." "I am sorry for your loss, but that works out really well in your favor for this job. We'd like to hire you! You can start tomorrow, your schedule will be 11-5 Monday -Friday." "That's great!" says the vet, "But I thought I would start at 9am?" "Oh," says the interviewer, "the office does open at 9, but we just sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours and there's no sense in you coming in for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qpvs7/veteran_reintegrating_into_civilian_life/
%
What do you call a black guy with one leg?

Whatever his name is, you racist piece of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qpvqm/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_with_one_leg/
%
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn

Doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qptbj/ive_been_taking_viagra_for_my_sunburn/
%
The opposite of an assassin is

a dickdickout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qpsjo/the_opposite_of_an_assassin_is/
%
Jokes about communism are only funny...

If every one gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qpoww/jokes_about_communism_are_only_funny/
%
What does a nosy pepper do?

Get jalapeno business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qplnt/what_does_a_nosy_pepper_do/
%
A photon checks into a hotel

The bellhop asks if any luggage was to be taken. To this the photon replied,         "I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qpkik/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
%
What's the difference between a man and a computer?

When a man finally goes down on you, you don't get rid of it for a newer model.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qpjky/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_and_a_computer/
%
What do you call it when all the pieces on the Chess Board go on Strike??

A Piece-ful Protest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qpb2m/what_do_you_call_it_when_all_the_pieces_on_the/
%
What do you call a nun who sleep walks

Roman Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qpaa4/what_do_you_call_a_nun_who_sleep_walks/
%
What do you call a movie with 3.14 stars?

Pirated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qp9s3/what_do_you_call_a_movie_with_314_stars/
%
Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay they’d be baygulls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qp9le/why_do_seagulls_live_by_the_sea/
%
When I get a new wallet, the first thing I do is take out any of those little pictures that come with it...

I want to pretend the guy I shanked for it didn't exist, not stare at his family every time I go for some cash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qp7jc/when_i_get_a_new_wallet_the_first_thing_i_do_is/
%
You cant spell 'advertisements'...

...without semen between the tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qp5pr/you_cant_spell_advertisements/
%
What did the Mexican guy say after he was caught on the train with a suitcase full of cooked snails?

Es cargo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qp2c7/what_did_the_mexican_guy_say_after_he_was_caught/
%
My dad always told me "It's OK to hit a communist...

...as long as it leaves no Marx"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qp1uc/my_dad_always_told_me_its_ok_to_hit_a_communist/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qoym2/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
Borrowed a pair of my stepdad’s socks the other day

He said to be careful as they were his lucky golfing socks.
“They have a hole in one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qoshb/borrowed_a_pair_of_my_stepdads_socks_the_other_day/
%
Bernie Mac

I’m at a bar minding my business, cooling out, just being cool like I am, chillin’. Woman come to me, this is actually the goddamn thing she wanted to do.
She said, “Mac.”
I said, “Yeah, that’s my name.”
She said, “can I ask you a question?”
I said, “yeah.”
She said, “Does pussy taste like pumpkin pie?” Made me mad as hell.
I said, “Don’t ask me no damn question like that. I ain’t never had no pumpkin pie.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qonk1/bernie_mac/
%
I’ve just had to take my son’s shitty diaper off.

I’m not entirely sure why I tried it on in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qolu6/ive_just_had_to_take_my_sons_shitty_diaper_off/
%
I once swallowed two pieces of string and then tied them together in my stomach

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qokwm/i_once_swallowed_two_pieces_of_string_and_then/
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With all these celebrities being accused of sexual misconduct there’s one man who hasn’t been called out and it’s I don’t buy it....

Michael Strayhands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qokch/with_all_these_celebrities_being_accused_of/
%
Did you hear about the village that moved away overnight?

It was unsettling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qogpo/did_you_hear_about_the_village_that_moved_away/
%
Do you remember that song 'Zombie' by the Cranberries?

It's in my head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qog9a/do_you_remember_that_song_zombie_by_the/
%
You know what separates the men from the boys?

Social services.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qof9i/you_know_what_separates_the_men_from_the_boys/
%
A boy, a whorehouse and no frog

A little boy hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh... you go there to...have a good time."
The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a good time", not knowing the little boy is following them. After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the madame that he wants to have a good time. She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.
Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been.
"IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly.
"WHAT? Well...uh...how was it?"
"I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qodco/a_boy_a_whorehouse_and_no_frog/
%
My school did a theatre show about puns

It was a play on words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qoacq/my_school_did_a_theatre_show_about_puns/
%
What do you call a dog that eats too much cocaine?

Odie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qo9kf/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_eats_too_much_cocaine/
%
Where were thr first gas cars invented?

In Africa, they Madagascar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qo8vx/where_were_thr_first_gas_cars_invented/
%
Surprisingly, Doug Jones isn’t the best thing to come out of Alabama

I-65 North has been saving people from Alabama since 1959

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qo8jl/surprisingly_doug_jones_isnt_the_best_thing_to/
%
What's the difference between a homosexual and a glutton?

The former likes five guys, while the latter likes Five Guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qo88m/whats_the_difference_between_a_homosexual_and_a/
%
Have you heard the joke about the non-infectious disease?

I didn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qo53k/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_the_noninfectious/
%
I lost my child, and you cant imagine the stress...

that just went away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qo4d9/i_lost_my_child_and_you_cant_imagine_the_stress/
%
After a disappointing summer...

...Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qnzcu/after_a_disappointing_summer/
%
Saw Fred Durst falling down a hill the other day

I tried to stop him but he just kept on rollin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qnw0b/saw_fred_durst_falling_down_a_hill_the_other_day/
%
I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qnnnk/i_am_a_man_trapped_inside_the_body_of_a_woman/
%
I've just ordered an empty cardboard box from Chernobyl.

It was the cheapest microwave I could find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qnnh6/ive_just_ordered_an_empty_cardboard_box_from/
%
The word 'Diputseromneve' may look ridiculous

but backwards it's even more stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qnmh3/the_word_diputseromneve_may_look_ridiculous/
%
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance

...I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qnikh/i_grew_up_living_paycheck_to_paycheck_but_through/
%
How can you tell when you're at a gay barbecue?

All the hot dogs taste like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qng3z/how_can_you_tell_when_youre_at_a_gay_barbecue/
%
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas

It was motherfucking gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qnf9s/i_just_read_a_joke_about_oedipus_and_midas/
%
You can tell if you drink enough water by your pee.

If it's clear, you've drunk too much water.
If it's a dark yellow, you've not drunk enough
If it's somewhere in between, you're golden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qnd8g/you_can_tell_if_you_drink_enough_water_by_your_pee/
%
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Flop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qnd3z/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
%
" doctor I can't stop singing What's New Pussycat."

" I think you might have Tom Jones syndrome."
" is it rare?" " it's not unusual."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qncx8/doctor_i_cant_stop_singing_whats_new_pussycat/
%
Women say all men are dogs

but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qnan5/women_say_all_men_are_dogs/
%
The wise old fisherman.

An 80 year old bloke called Ross loves to fish.  He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.  He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog responded, "Yes, I'm talking to you."
"Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.  I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, "What, are you nuts?  Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, the hell with it.  At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
With age comes wisdom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qn7of/the_wise_old_fisherman/
%
What do girl dogs hate getting?

Unsolicited stick pics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qn1xq/what_do_girl_dogs_hate_getting/
%
So many power outages lately

No one wants to shed light on the matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qmw9j/so_many_power_outages_lately/
%
What do you call an politically active Ewok ?

An Ewoke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qmnj3/what_do_you_call_an_politically_active_ewok/
%
Having Children is like having debt

It's best to avoid both in your twenties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qmn8e/having_children_is_like_having_debt/
%
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and an Olympic silver medalist?

They both came in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qmjpc/what_is_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
%
I suggested my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back..

Apparently it was an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qmho9/i_suggested_my_wife_that_shed_look_sexier_with/
%
Working for IT is terrible.

You get into a very technical mindset. So much so that everytime you're on a computer you end up with that mindset, therefore saying things differently to the point of other people not understanding.
"Yes" ends up as "Y"
"No" ends up as "N"
"Disease" ends up as "iPhones"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qmhh1/working_for_it_is_terrible/
%
Or what?

A guy goes to a sex therapist and tells him that for the past seven months his wife won't have sex with him. The therapist advises that the wife come into his office herself so he can talk to her. When the wife walks in the next day, the therapist asks her to tell everything in detail.
"You see, doctor" begins the wife, "for the past seven months, I am forced to take a cab to work. Since I don't have enough money to pay for the fare, when the cab driver asks 'So, are you gonna pay or what?' I am forced to choose the 'or what?' As a result, I come in late to work. When the boss asks me 'Shall I deduct the missed time from your paycheck or what?' once again I choose 'or what?' At the end of the day, I take the cab home and it's the same story with the driver, and again, I choose 'or what?' So tell me doctor, how am I supposed to fuck my husband after all of this?
The therapist thinks for a moment and then says. "Hmm, interesting case indeed. So, shall I tell your husband everything you told me just now, or what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qmhf9/or_what/
%
My girlfriend likes to pretend she's 13 in bed

i told her it was pointless, she'll turn 13 next year anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qmggx/my_girlfriend_likes_to_pretend_shes_13_in_bed/
%
What happens when a frog's car breaks down?

It gets toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qmfm5/what_happens_when_a_frogs_car_breaks_down/
%
What do you call a gay little person.

A fruit snack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qmflc/what_do_you_call_a_gay_little_person/
%
Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie????

Because Ken came in another box!!! 😋😌

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qmepo/why_isnt_there_a_pregnant_barbie/
%
How do computer addicts buy weed?

They press the hash key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qmef4/how_do_computer_addicts_buy_weed/
%
I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. “Get your lips off my wife,”

I snapped pulling him off her. “But sir, I’m not kissing her!” He pleaded. “She’s stopped breathing.”
“Do I need to repeat myself?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qmbox/i_walked_in_last_night_to_find_a_paramedic/
%
If your Uncle Jack helped you off a horse

Would you help your uncle jack off a horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qm70g/if_your_uncle_jack_helped_you_off_a_horse/
%
A missile wasn't fired...

But someone in civil defense sure will be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qm6ei/a_missile_wasnt_fired/
%
I invented a robot to remove the cartridge from my gaming console and replace it with another.

It was a game changer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qm4eg/i_invented_a_robot_to_remove_the_cartridge_from/
%
Last night I dreamed I was weightless.

I was like, 0mg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qm2jy/last_night_i_dreamed_i_was_weightless/
%
Pinocchio got a new job at a tire store

He keeps telling all the  customers "I'm a wheel boy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qlzuz/pinocchio_got_a_new_job_at_a_tire_store/
%
Doctor doctor

Patient: Doctor doctor, I think i’m becoming alcoholic.
Doctor: Do you drink Whiskey?
Patient: All right then. I’ll have one if you have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qlzpa/doctor_doctor/
%
My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’

That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qlzlb/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
%
The largest charitable organisation in Chicago...

...realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful law firm.
So a volunteer paid the senior partner a visit in his lavish office.
The  volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your firms annual income
is over four million dollars per annum, your firm doesn't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something
back to your community?
The  lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the representative mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,'  says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The  stricken representative begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly,  did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The  humiliated representative, completely beaten down, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea'.
So the lawyer goes on, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them,  what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qlxck/the_largest_charitable_organisation_in_chicago/
%
I've been a limmo driver for 25 years but I've had no customers

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qlx38/ive_been_a_limmo_driver_for_25_years_but_ive_had/
%
Balls INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qlqng/balls_interesting_observation/
%
An american man goes on a business trip to Japan...

He is really stressed out, so his Japanese business partner offers to hook him up with one of his favorite prostitutes.  He agrees but is a little embarrassed.  So, she meets him in his darkened hotel room.  They get down to the dirty and she is incredible.  She starts screaming "bushada!!, bushada!!!" and he's thinking she's saying "push harder" in broken English.  So with a huge grin he really starts giving it to her.  He ends the night totally satisfied and pleased with himself.
The next day him and his Japanese business partner and having a round of golf.  His partner takes a swing and the ball goes totally off course to a nearby hole.  His business partner yells "bushada!!"  The american gets nervous and asks "what does bushada mean...?"
"Wrong hole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qlpdn/an_american_man_goes_on_a_business_trip_to_japan/
%
I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read “unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted” feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who’s working on the car it can fix it. I did just that and it restored my old saves!
Thank god for that game mechanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qlmbh/i_was_playing_grand_theft_auto_5_when_all_of_a/
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Why is it called Heinz Field?

Because the Steelers were always playing catch up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qlgw2/why_is_it_called_heinz_field/
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An oldie, but a goodie. [NSFW] [Long]

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar filled with $100 bills lying on the counter. From the looks of it, there's at least ten grand in the jar. He asks the bartender about it. "It's part of a bet we've got going on," the bartender tells him. "You place $100 in the jar, and then you have to complete three challenges."
He points to a huge, burly biker with scar tissue on his knuckles. "First, you have to beat the toughest regular in a fistfight." He points to a door next to the bar. "My guard dog has a bad tooth. you need to rip it out with your bare hands." He then points to a staircase. "Finally, you have to bang my ugly-as-sin mother-in-law. Anyone who can accomplish all three takes everything in the jar."
The guy places a hundred in the jar. He goes up to the biker and knocks him out with one punch. He goes outside. There's barking and scuffling noises, followed by the most pitiful whimper the bartender's ever heard. The guy comes back in, a triumphant look in his eyes, and asks "Now where's the ugly bitch with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qlcbd/an_oldie_but_a_goodie_nsfw_long/
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My wife asked me to take out the trash.

I didn't know that her mother was home tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qlbeb/my_wife_asked_me_to_take_out_the_trash/
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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qlal7/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
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All dwarves and midgets share one thing...

They have very little in common

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ql9wb/all_dwarves_and_midgets_share_one_thing/
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I just got home from friends funeral

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week... I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ql8v1/i_just_got_home_from_friends_funeral/
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What did the eastern Russian say to the western Russian in the bathroom?

"European."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ql5r6/what_did_the_eastern_russian_say_to_the_western/
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What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

Are you having a crisis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ql56j/what_do_you_say_to_your_sister_when_shes_crying/
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I used to be a quality checker at the m&m factory

You would not believe the amount of w's I had to throw out every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ql02a/i_used_to_be_a_quality_checker_at_the_mm_factory/
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People often ask what I do at the teddy bear factory.

Just stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qkyvt/people_often_ask_what_i_do_at_the_teddy_bear/
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My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."
So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodgers starts off: "OK class, who wants to share the sentence they came up with using the word 'contagious'?"
Everyone's hands shoot up. Mrs. Rodgers says "Oh my goodness, I love the enthusiasm, but we only have time for 3 pupils to share."
Mrs. Rodgers first calls on Suzy. Suzy responds with the sentence "My Dad has had the flu for the past week! My mother says not go near him because he is contagious!"
Mrs. Rodgers applauds Suzy and gives her a gold star for the day.
Mrs. Rodgers then says "OK class, who wants to share next?" Again everyone's hands shoot up. "Heather!" Mrs. Rodgers exclaims, "why don't you share your sentence with the class?"
Heather responds: "I went to see the Minion movie last weekend, and this old man kept laughing so loudly, and whenever he laughed, I laughed as well. His laugh was so contagious!"
Mrs. Rodgers applauds Heather and gives her a gold star for the day.
Mrs. Rodgers then states "OK class, we have time for one more student to share their sentence." Once again everyone's hand shoots up. Mrs. Rodgers spots little Liam in the back of the classroom raising his hand, and, being a foreign exchange student from Dublin, he had a brogue which made him self conscious of speaking in class. He rarely spoke in class so Mrs. Rodgers jumped at the opportunity for him to participate. Mrs. Rodgers immediately called on little Liam: "Ah, Liam! What sentence would you like to share with us today?"
Liam responds: "Oh ya see, me and me father like to go on walks every now and again. Well last week we were going for a walk around our neighborhood, ya see, and we spot this woman. She's painting her picket fence with a beautiful coat of white, but for some reason, she's using this wee little paint brush. My father he says to me 'now why is that woman painting that fence with such a wee little brush? That's gonna take the cunt ages!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qkyss/my_father_tells_this_one_at_every_family_get/
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I ate a cactus today...

It had a ''Sharp taste!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qkx4i/i_ate_a_cactus_today/
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How do tigers walk around without being spotted?

By being striped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qkwk4/how_do_tigers_walk_around_without_being_spotted/
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Why do African Americans always have nightmares?

Because the last one to have a dream got shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qkute/why_do_african_americans_always_have_nightmares/
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I didn't really like anyone during my first year at Columbine

but eventually I decided that everyone deserves a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qknjy/i_didnt_really_like_anyone_during_my_first_year/
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What concert costs only 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qkmsq/what_concert_costs_only_45_cents/
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Whenever I take out the trash I always say to my wife “bilbo”

That way she knows to put a new baggins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qkhas/whenever_i_take_out_the_trash_i_always_say_to_my/
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What do you call an indigenous man who is polite, respectful and protects his woman?

A Gentle mayan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qkh69/what_do_you_call_an_indigenous_man_who_is_polite/
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I won a 1v5 fight today

Man we creamed that guy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qkfl7/i_won_a_1v5_fight_today/
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A man and his friend were being chased by a bunch of thugs

The man ran into a circular building so that he could distract them from his friend who was a slow runner, he was alone in the circular building and had to fight them alone.
5 minutes later he came out unscathed.
His friend asked, "How did you get out of there alive?"
"They couldn't corner me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qkejk/a_man_and_his_friend_were_being_chased_by_a_bunch/
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I was addicted to soap

But i'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qkc3x/i_was_addicted_to_soap/
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What do terrorists say when they're angry?

I'm so mad I'm gonna explode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qk5qk/what_do_terrorists_say_when_theyre_angry/
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Potato is spelt wrong.

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
The right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qk44n/potato_is_spelt_wrong/
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Trump voters

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump voters. Not really knowing what a Trump voter is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trump voter." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Donald Trump?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat." The teacher asked him why he was a Democrat. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my mom is a Democrat and my Dad is a Democrat, so I am a Democrat." Annoyed by the answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" With a big smile, little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trump voter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qjwnv/trump_voters/
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Why did James Brown always tour in Asia?

He loved the Seoul train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qjw8h/why_did_james_brown_always_tour_in_asia/
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Enough with the jokes that lack visual aid

I've had it up to here with them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qjvop/enough_with_the_jokes_that_lack_visual_aid/
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If I make you breakfast in bed

a simple "thank you' is all I need. Not all this "How did you get in my house business"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qjrh4/if_i_make_you_breakfast_in_bed/
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I read an article on the hibernation of animals.

It's winter resting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qjqh4/i_read_an_article_on_the_hibernation_of_animals/
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What do you call a Siamese spy?

A double agent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qjp92/what_do_you_call_a_siamese_spy/
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My father must think I’m good at rapping

He calls me Lil Bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qjlnp/my_father_must_think_im_good_at_rapping/
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My girlfriend is a famous pornstar

She'll kill me if she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qjhfz/my_girlfriend_is_a_famous_pornstar/
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Which one came first? The chicken or the egg?

Neither. The rooster came first ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qjfnf/which_one_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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What do you call a cow gambling for his life?

High steaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qjc8w/what_do_you_call_a_cow_gambling_for_his_life/
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Ever wondered why only morons report being abducted by Aliens?

Because the Aliens don't keep the stupid ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qjb2k/ever_wondered_why_only_morons_report_being/
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A fish is swimming and it hits a concrete wall. What does it say

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qj853/a_fish_is_swimming_and_it_hits_a_concrete_wall/
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What’s the difference between Kim jong un and dominoes ?

Dominoes can deliver a crispy Hawaiian in less than 30 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qj5di/whats_the_difference_between_kim_jong_un_and/
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We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qj3yr/we_were_eating_dinner_tonight_when_my_daughter/
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Most people are shocked when they find out

How incompetent I am as an electrician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qiznn/most_people_are_shocked_when_they_find_out/
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TIFU by slipping in the shower and breaking my arm

At first I tried to laugh it off but soon realised that this wasn’t humerus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qiyep/tifu_by_slipping_in_the_shower_and_breaking_my_arm/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on only one book for years?

The Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qiukz/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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What do you call research involving Eggs, Strawberries and Altoids?

An Eggs-Berry-Mint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qittt/what_do_you_call_research_involving_eggs/
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Where is the best place to hide after killing someone?

Behind a badge..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qirfs/where_is_the_best_place_to_hide_after_killing/
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Yesterday I had dinner at a nice aurant.

I forgot the rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qir78/yesterday_i_had_dinner_at_a_nice_aurant/
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I often hear of aircraft been taken out of action by bird strikes.

What I want to know is, what does their union even want?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qipj8/i_often_hear_of_aircraft_been_taken_out_of_action/
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I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke

But you didnt like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qils5/i_thought_id_tell_you_a_good_time_travel_joke/
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Where do you find a dog with one leg?

Where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qiip4/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_one_leg/
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I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day..

Or you can just take the whole thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qiho9/i_have_a_tip_for_all_you_lonely_ladies_on/
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What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qien5/what_do_you_call_a_nun_on_a_wheelchair/
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My black friend told me I can't celebrate Martin Luther King Day because I am white

If that's true, then he can't celebrate Father's Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qidjp/my_black_friend_told_me_i_cant_celebrate_martin/
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What's a Jahovah's witness' favorite treat?

Ding Dongs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qicpc/whats_a_jahovahs_witness_favorite_treat/
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I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car.

I opened the door and pushed her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qi93s/i_finally_fixed_that_annoying_noise_in_my_car/
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My professor accused me of plagiarism

His words, not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qi6mi/my_professor_accused_me_of_plagiarism/
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The quran is like weed

burn it and you get stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qi6ka/the_quran_is_like_weed/
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[NSFW] A prostitute told a surgeon to make another hole near her ass.

Why? The doctor asked. Perplexed.
Simple, she smiled.
Business is going well. So I want to open another branch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qi6df/nsfw_a_prostitute_told_a_surgeon_to_make_another/
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Why is it spelled "Cancelled" if you're British but "Canceled" if you're American?

Because America gave Britain that L in 1783

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qi261/why_is_it_spelled_cancelled_if_youre_british_but/
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When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.
Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.
I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).
Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.
My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.
After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging. Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.
My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.
Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her.
But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.
A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised. But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone.
It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qi220/when_i_was_about_17_or_18_i_first_noticed_that_my/
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Visiting a friend

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now." "I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he? "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qi1a8/visiting_a_friend/
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Don't have a cow man.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qhv5u/dont_have_a_cow_man/
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Apple announced face recognition passwords

If your face was a password it would be password

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qhuyw/apple_announced_face_recognition_passwords/
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Why did the bread talk down about itself?

It was self-loafing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qhu32/why_did_the_bread_talk_down_about_itself/
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Three Guys Are Trapped On An Island

Jim, Chris, and Joe are trapped on an island with no food or shelter. They come across a hut and inside is a wizard who says “I will teleport you guys off of this island but first, each of you must bring 10 of the same fruit to my hut in an hour.”
So Jim is the first person back with some fruit, and he has brought 10 apples. The wizard says that if Jim can stick all 10 apples up his ass without making a sound, then the wizard will get him off of the island. However, if he makes a sound, the wizard will take his life. Jim starts sticking the apples up his ass and halfway through with the second apple, he yells out in pain, so the wizard kills him.
Next, Chris comes with 10 grapes. The wizard says that if Chris can stick all 10 grapes up his ass without making a sound, then the wizard will get him off of the island. However, if he makes a sound, the wizard will take his life. Chris is doing an admirable job, and gets 9 grapes up his ass without making a sound. However, before he can put in the 10th grape, Chris busts up laughing. Because of this, the wizard kills him.
In Heaven, Jim is incredibly upset with Chris.
“You were so close! Why couldn’t you have kept silent for one more grape?”
Chris replies, “I couldn’t help myself. I saw Joe coming with a bunch of pineapples.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qhrbt/three_guys_are_trapped_on_an_island/
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Vegetarians don’t care about animals

They eat all of their food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qhr9z/vegetarians_dont_care_about_animals/
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A butcher backed up into his meat grinder.

He got a little behind on his work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qhqae/a_butcher_backed_up_into_his_meat_grinder/
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After a mugging attempt a few years ago, I started carrying a knife.

My muggings are much more successful these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qhpw4/after_a_mugging_attempt_a_few_years_ago_i_started/
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What’s the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?

One has claws at the ends of its paws, and the other has pause at the end of its clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qhpr5/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_compound/
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A camel meets an elephant.

The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qhg36/a_camel_meets_an_elephant/
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A moving van ran over my foot today...

Fucking Hertz!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qhc4g/a_moving_van_ran_over_my_foot_today/
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Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qhaz9/remember_back_in_the_day_when_your_tv_wouldnt/
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God answers prayers, trust me.

I prayed for a job, a car, and for lots of pretty girls. I now work as a bus driver in an all-girls school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qh9tw/god_answers_prayers_trust_me/
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Did you hear the news? Turtle crime is on the rise...

It's true. Just last night a group of turtles snuck up and mugged a snail in the park. A team of detectives interviewed the snail for details on the event. They asked, "So what happened?" The snail answered, "I don't know, it all just happened so fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qh7e4/did_you_hear_the_news_turtle_crime_is_on_the_rise/
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What do you call an amputee trying to do karate?

Partial Arts.
Edit edit: best follow up question: What's an amputee's favourite karate weapon? Nub chucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qh5zw/what_do_you_call_an_amputee_trying_to_do_karate/
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When an eel bites your thigh at the beach (at low tide)

That's a moray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qh3iu/when_an_eel_bites_your_thigh_at_the_beach_at_low/
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What do you call an Italian search engine?

Badda Bing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qgzdb/what_do_you_call_an_italian_search_engine/
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Someone stole my Microsoft office from my laptop. I will find you and I will get you.

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qgxbo/someone_stole_my_microsoft_office_from_my_laptop/
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Someone stole my glasses while I wasn't looking

I was robbed blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qgx8s/someone_stole_my_glasses_while_i_wasnt_looking/
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A German got pulled over by the police in France

French Police officer: "Name?"
German: "Heinrich Klimt"
French Police officer: "Age?"
German: "31"
French Police officer: "Occupation?"
German: "No. Just visiting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qgvct/a_german_got_pulled_over_by_the_police_in_france/
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What do you call traveling back in time and having sex with your ancestor?

Ancest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qgjxe/what_do_you_call_traveling_back_in_time_and/
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If your the only one to see an Apple store being robbed....

does that make you the   **iWitness**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qgjqs/if_your_the_only_one_to_see_an_apple_store_being/
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Two men are in the restroom at their job taking a dump...

Two men are in the restroom at their job, taking a dump. The first man is trying as hard as he can, and finally hears a "Plop!" coming from the other stall.
"Damn, I wish that was me." the first man says.
The second man says from his stall, "Yeah, I wish that was you too. That was my phone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qga82/two_men_are_in_the_restroom_at_their_job_taking_a/
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Y’all hear that Reese whatever her name is stabbed herself?

Dave: Witherspoon?
Mike: Nah, with a knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qg64j/yall_hear_that_reese_whatever_her_name_is_stabbed/
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Kirby is like a condom

He's a safe choice when Smashing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qg5eo/kirby_is_like_a_condom/
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I approached a lesbian at a bar.

I wasn't aware she was a lesbian at the time, so I asked if she would like to go home with me.
"How rude!" she responded. "Did you just assume my sexuality? I'll have you know that I'm not interested in men!"
I'm a fairly progressive man, so I wasn't going to let her beat me at my own game.
"How rude!" I shouted, catching her attention as she walked away. "Did you just assume my gender?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qg2up/i_approached_a_lesbian_at_a_bar/
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A man opened fire in a clothing store

there were reports of casual-tees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qg289/a_man_opened_fire_in_a_clothing_store/
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Why don't aliens visit our solar system?

Terrible ratings. One star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qfwhf/why_dont_aliens_visit_our_solar_system/
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Hadrian's Wall

Hadrian is looking out from the wall and a Scotsman appears from behind a small hill and shouts up to him -
"One Scotsman can beat any Roman."
Hadrian says,  "Brutus go & sort him out".
Brutus goes off and there's a clanging and clattering of swords - he doesn't come back.
The Scot comes out and shouts up to Hadrian
"one Scotsman can beat any cohort of Romans."
Hadrian says to Marcus -  "take your cohort and sort that bugger out"
Off he goes with his cohort and there a clanging and banging of swords - and they don't come back. The little Scot comes from behind the hill and shouts up at Hadrian,
"One Scot can beat a Legion of Romans"
Hadrian says to Mark Anthony - "Go over there with your Legion and sort that little bugger out"
Mark Anthony marches his Legion down to the hill and theres a banging and clashing and screaming and as Hadrian watches, Mark Anthony staggers out bloodied and battered and he shouts up to Hadrian,
"don't send any more its a bloody trap - there's two of them..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qfu7e/hadrians_wall/
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Why did the insomniac go to prison?

He was resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qfu5z/why_did_the_insomniac_go_to_prison/
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The odds of getting on a plane with a bomb on it are 950,000 to one -

The odds of getting on a plane with two bombs on it are closer to 700,000,000 to one   So, to be safe, I always bring my own bomb.
S. W.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qftm2/the_odds_of_getting_on_a_plane_with_a_bomb_on_it/
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What's the difference between racism and asian people?

Racism has many faces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qfr6r/whats_the_difference_between_racism_and_asian/
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Good night kids

Me : good night kids
Kids : good night dad
Me : good night monster under the bed who eats bad kids
Wife ( through radio under the bed) : good night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qfqpa/good_night_kids/
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Where did Dr. Pepper earn his degree?

The University of Pensacola

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qfpx5/where_did_dr_pepper_earn_his_degree/
%
Growing up we were so poor

We had to play Dungeons OR Dragons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qfpjj/growing_up_we_were_so_poor/
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One day little Tony gets sent home from school

His mother sends him to his room and tells him his father will deal with him when he gets home.
Big Al gets home from work and goes to see Little Tony in his room.
Big Al: Little Tony, what happened at school today? Your mother said you got sent home.
Little Tony: Well we were in math class and the teacher asked me what 7 times 8 was so I said 56, and then she asked me what 8 times 7 was.”
Big Al: What’s the fucking difference?
Little Tony: That’s what I said!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qfnqu/one_day_little_tony_gets_sent_home_from_school/
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One day, a teacher said "Whoever can answer my next question can get dismissed now".

Tom threw his bag outside the window.
The teacher asked angrily "Who threw the bag?"
Tom answered "It's me! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qfmmm/one_day_a_teacher_said_whoever_can_answer_my_next/
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Did you hear about the houses that fell in love?

It was a lawn distance relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qfjn6/did_you_hear_about_the_houses_that_fell_in_love/
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Billy and joe are looking for work

They come across a lady who feels sorry for them and tells them that she will give them 100 dollars to chop wood at her house, when they reach the house, they see that it is crowded with many children as it seems to be a birthday party. The lady gets a phone call from the entertainment saying that they won’t be able to make it, the lady is getting restless when she sees joe jumping around the backyard and swinging off of trees, effectively entertaining the children, the lady tells billy that she will offer joe a hundred dollars if he can keep doing what he’s doing to entertain the children. Billy then calls out to joe and says “hey joe, this lady is offering you a hundred dollars if you chop off another toe”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qfjmk/billy_and_joe_are_looking_for_work/
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The porcupine has pricks on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qfh7g/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
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I hate how if a guy sleeps with a ton of girls hes a legend

But when a girl does it, its my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qff9k/i_hate_how_if_a_guy_sleeps_with_a_ton_of_girls/
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A man's dog comes home with his neighbors pet rabbit dead in his mouth...

A man's dog comes home one day with his neighbor's pet rabbit dead in his mouth. The rabbit is all covered in blood and dirt, clearly after putting up a fight with the dog. The man panics and worries that the neighbor will get mad and demand his dog be put down for killing his rabbit.
He decides to take the rabbit, clean it, and place it back in its cage before his neighbor finds out it's gone.
The following day his neighbor comes to him and strikes up a conversation.
"Did you hear our rabbit died?" the neighbor asks.
"No! When did that happen?" the man asks nervously.
"A few days ago. The weird thing is someone dug it up, cleaned it, and placed it back in its cage for some reason!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qfbzb/a_mans_dog_comes_home_with_his_neighbors_pet/
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Indian chief...

As long as anyone could remember, this Indian chief was in charge of naming all the children born in the tribe.
One day , this brave one comes up to him and says , "Chief, can I ask you something, how do you name these children? How do you think of their names?"
Chief says, " It is very simple, when a child is born and I see snow gently falling, I say, you shall be called SNOW GENTLY FALLING. When a child is born, I see an eagle flying over , I say, you shall be named EAGLE FLYING OVER. But tell me TWO DOGS FUCKING , why are you so interested?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qew5m/indian_chief/
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Why are there no chairs in the Democratic National Headquarters?

Because everyone is left leaning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qeulf/why_are_there_no_chairs_in_the_democratic/
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My girlfriend told me she enjoys sex on vacation so much more #NSFW

It was the worst postcard I’ve ever gotten

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qeues/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_enjoys_sex_on_vacation/
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Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?
He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer then neither will I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qetsi/four_ceos_of_beer_companies_are_having_a_meeting/
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Picked up a book on the 'history of adhesives' last night...

I just can't put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qeq88/picked_up_a_book_on_the_history_of_adhesives_last/
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Why can’t trump be hanged?

Fake noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qenos/why_cant_trump_be_hanged/
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Why do they call it Heinz field?

Because the Steelers can’t seem to ketchup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qel6h/why_do_they_call_it_heinz_field/
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What do Eggs Benedict and blowjobs both have in common?

Two things you never get at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qejr0/what_do_eggs_benedict_and_blowjobs_both_have_in/
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Inmates on death row should have prison ID’s ending in .EXE

Because, eventually, they are all executable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qehru/inmates_on_death_row_should_have_prison_ids/
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What did a laid-back Italian cop say to a speeding driver?

That's a fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qee1c/what_did_a_laidback_italian_cop_say_to_a_speeding/
%
What's green and smells of pork?

Kermit the frogs fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qe2nr/whats_green_and_smells_of_pork/
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What do they call the Hunger Games in Africa?

Games

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qe20h/what_do_they_call_the_hunger_games_in_africa/
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Donald Trump was on a fact finding visit to Israel

When he suffered a heart attack and died. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him that he can have his body transported back to the USA for a fee of $50,000 or they can bury him in the holy land for Just $100.
The diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes, they come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Trump shipped home.
The undertaker looks puzzled, “Why would you pay all that money when it would be wonderful for him to be buried here in the holy land for Just $100?”
The diplomats replied “Long a go a man died and was buried here and he rose from the dead, we just can’t take that risk”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qdyqy/donald_trump_was_on_a_fact_finding_visit_to_israel/
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My entire life I've made the effort to become the thing people said I'd never be

So I became a failure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qdw8e/my_entire_life_ive_made_the_effort_to_become_the/
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I bought some shoes off a drug dealer....

I don't know what he laced them with but i've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qdvs5/i_bought_some_shoes_off_a_drug_dealer/
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I broke my waterproof speaker by throwing it into a pool.

I filed a request for a replacement to the company but they denied my request saying, "It's not our fault the pool was empty".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qdv5d/i_broke_my_waterproof_speaker_by_throwing_it_into/
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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic.....

I was in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qdub9/i_refused_to_believe_i_was_gay_and_dyslexic/
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Donald Trump really loves word games.

If you listen to his speech patterns, it’s clear that he’s playing “Mad Libs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qdtsm/donald_trump_really_loves_word_games/
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Officer: Soldier, I did not see you in camouflage class.

Soldier: Thank you sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qdo8n/officer_soldier_i_did_not_see_you_in_camouflage/
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A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos

So she asks him what it's for.
He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one for herself.
The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.
Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"
She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qdjnd/a_blonde_notices_that_her_coworker_has_a_thermos/
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My girlfriend Rachel has 206 bones in her body

Now 207
Now 206
Now 207

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qd73r/my_girlfriend_rachel_has_206_bones_in_her_body/
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So I tried to renovate my porn theater

But the contractor told me every wall was load-bearing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qd482/so_i_tried_to_renovate_my_porn_theater/
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My dog ate a package of peanut butter cups.

Now he's pooping out Reeses Feces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qd2he/my_dog_ate_a_package_of_peanut_butter_cups/
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What subreddit do people with stiff and inflammated joints frequent?

R/thritis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qd1ds/what_subreddit_do_people_with_stiff_and/
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qcz9f/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
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One American Soldier

My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:
One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.
"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...
"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...
"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.
"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qcqhu/one_american_soldier/
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A mathematician a physicist and an engineer...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a cow and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured the dimensions of the cow and evaluated a very complicated integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the cow inside and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked at the cow and said, let's suppose the cow is a sphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qckao/a_mathematician_a_physicist_and_an_engineer/
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A man out golfing meets a leprechaun [Long]

One Saturday afternoon in Ireland, a man is playing a round of golf on his local public course. As he approaches the eighth hole, he hits the ball and slices it pretty hard to the right. Grumbling, he walks out, deep past the weeds and into the tall grass of the surrounding forest, where he stumbles across a sleeping leprechaun. He nudges the leprechaun awake and, startled, it says to him "Ah bollocks, I thought I was far enough off the course that nobody would find me. Well, rules are rules: you've found me, so I will now grant you one wish."
The man thinks for a moment and replies "You know, I've always wanted to be the greatest amateur golfer in the world."
The leprechaun grins and says  "All right, I can do that for you, but there's a wee bit of a catch, you see. Your sex life is going to take a turn for the worse." The man shrugs and says "Okay," so the leprechaun winks, taps his nose, and spins around before vanishing in a cloud of green smoke.
Not quite sure what just happened, the man blinks slowly and then pulls out his 4 iron and lines up the next shot. He takes a swing and when the golf ball lands, he is astonished to see it on the green a few feet from the hole. He sinks it in a single shot with his putter to make par. On the ninth hole, he swings his driver and the golf ball flies straight down the middle of the fairway, again landing directly on the green. With mounting excitement, the golfer finishes the back nine, playing the best golf of his life. The very next day, he enters an amateur tournament at the local club, and comes in first place by a considerable margin. Emboldened, he starts entering competitions at other courses further away, and within a couple of months, he has become the best amateur golfer in the world.
About a year later, the man is playing a round alone on his old public course. Approaching the eighth hole, he swings and slices the ball hard to the right. "Huh, it's been a while since that's happened," he remarks to himself. Once again, he tramps out deep past the weeds and into the tall grass of the surrounding forest, where he sees his ball has come to rest beside the leprechaun's foot. The leprechaun greets him and asks him how he has been. The golfer says "Thank you so much for granting my wish; my life has been wonderful since then. I'm now the greatest amateur golfer in the world."
"Well, what about your sex life?" asks the leprechaun.
"Oh, great, just great. I really can't complain."
Puzzled, the leprechaun asks "How many times have you had sex in the last year?"
The golfer says "Well, two, maybe three times?"
The leprechaun laughs uproariously and says "You've had sex three times in the last year and still think your sex life is great?"
"Well, for a priest in a small town in Ireland, I think I'm doing pretty well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qcfki/a_man_out_golfing_meets_a_leprechaun_long/
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One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet

During winter war soviet general hears someone shouting from wood - "One finnish soldier is better than ten soviet". Angry general sends ten man to deal with annoying Fin. After short period of shots and dying soviets screams, comes another shout - "One finnish soldier is better than hundred soviet". General sends hundred soldier and again none of them comes back. Then general hears third shout - "One finnish soldier is better than thousand soviets". Furious general sends thousand man to deal with him. This time one of his soldiers manage to survive and reports to general - "Sir, please don't send more our troops, it's a trap, there's two of them".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qccq0/one_finnish_soldier_is_better_than_10_soviet/
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Two gay guys are sitting in a jacuzzi

Suddenly big junk of sperm rises on top of the water.
Guy 1: WTF? You came?
Guy 2: Naah, farted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qcadn/two_gay_guys_are_sitting_in_a_jacuzzi/
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Milk Order

A milkman gets an order for 40 gallons of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 40 gallons. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"
"No," says the woman. "Up to my tits will be fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qc8vs/milk_order/
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what do you call Johnny Cash's millennial grandson

Johnny Bitcoin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qc8n7/what_do_you_call_johnny_cashs_millennial_grandson/
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Why did Old McDonald sell his farm?

To cover what he e-i-e-i owes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qc5j4/why_did_old_mcdonald_sell_his_farm/
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What does "benign" mean?

Benign is what you be after you be eight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qc5bu/what_does_benign_mean/
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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qc45x/a_woman_noticed_her_husband_standing_on_the/
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Let's talk about safe sex!

Do you think they'd close the door on the bank vault while we do it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qc1ji/lets_talk_about_safe_sex/
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A married man went into the confessional

and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qc15i/a_married_man_went_into_the_confessional/
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Obvious, innit?

A guy was very self-conscious, because he'd been born without ears. Despite this, he'd become general manager at his company.
He was still self conscious though, so when interviewing people, he'd ask if they noticed anything about him, anything they could mention about him, and if people remarked on his lack of ears, they didn't make the grade.
His first couple of candidates had been rejected, and he was pleasantly surprised when the third candidate said he'd noticed he wears contact lenses.
"What made you realise?" he asked. "Easy," came the reply, "people with no ears don't wear glasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qbz9n/obvious_innit/
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What kind of robot would a transgender person be

A transformer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qbyyh/what_kind_of_robot_would_a_transgender_person_be/
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How did the orchestra start a riot?

With violins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qbvdw/how_did_the_orchestra_start_a_riot/
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White light hates passing through a prism.

It shows its true colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qbtdl/white_light_hates_passing_through_a_prism/
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Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States

and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qbt01/two_immigrants_from_africa_arrive_in_the_united/
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'Last in,first out'

Acceptable at work,fucking embarrassing at a gang-bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qbrvn/last_infirst_out/
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Growing up, I was so bright

my mom called me Sun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qbrml/growing_up_i_was_so_bright/
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One day Canada will take over the world

Then we'll all be sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qbnn2/one_day_canada_will_take_over_the_world/
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Where do poor Italians live?

In the spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qbngm/where_do_poor_italians_live/
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Kim Jong Un is sitting in his office. He proudly tells his advisors:

“North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”
His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:
“How are you going to send people to the sun? It’s too hot!”
Kim Jong Un replies by saying to his advisors:
“What an idiot! We can send them at night!”
His advisors break out in applause. On hearing this Donald Trump says to his advisors:
“What an idiot!…
There is no sun at night!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qbj4z/kim_jong_un_is_sitting_in_his_office_he_proudly/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qbild/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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My stolen card

Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
Me : The thief was spending less than my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qbcep/my_stolen_card/
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What do you call a patreon for nazis?

Krautfunding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qbao5/what_do_you_call_a_patreon_for_nazis/
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A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk.

Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
she confirms saying "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"
"No," says the woman. "Up to my neck will be fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qb86l/a_milkman_gets_an_order_for_45_pints_of_milk/
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A scot visited Canada for the first time

. While sightseeing he saw a strange, giant creature he had never seen before.
"What the fook was that?" He asked a local.
"Oh that? That's a moose." Said the local.
"A moose?" The scottish exclaimed. "How big are your rats?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qb74w/a_scot_visited_canada_for_the_first_time/
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If the story about Trump and a porn star is true, it could be very embarrassing…

At some point, that porn star will have to face her friends and colleagues…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qb4yi/if_the_story_about_trump_and_a_porn_star_is_true/
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What did the Dorito Farmer say to the other Dorito Farmer?

Cool Ranch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qb4yf/what_did_the_dorito_farmer_say_to_the_other/
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The only “B” word you should ever call a woman is beautiful

Because bitches love it when you call them beautiful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qb47s/the_only_b_word_you_should_ever_call_a_woman_is/
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Kim Jong Un: I have a big button on my desk Donald Trump: I have a big button on my desk

Hawaii Emergency Alert Guy: Hold my beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qb3ys/kim_jong_un_i_have_a_big_button_on_my_desk_donald/
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I was invited to a nudist convention this weekend...

I said I’d go if I have nothing on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qaza1/i_was_invited_to_a_nudist_convention_this_weekend/
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I am a social vegan

I avoid meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qaz6w/i_am_a_social_vegan/
%
I once called the suicide prevention hotline in Iraq

They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qar1b/i_once_called_the_suicide_prevention_hotline_in/
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Two blonde roommates

One day julia's new roommate emma was bathing with the door open.
julia: Why are you bathing with the door open?
emma: I didn't want your stupid boyfriend peeping through the keyhole that's why!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qapdp/two_blonde_roommates/
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Two crazy Irish men.

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. “I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qapcx/two_crazy_irish_men/
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What do you call a gathering of judgmental Catholics?

Critical Mass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qap0s/what_do_you_call_a_gathering_of_judgmental/
%
A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sitting quietly in the pub having a beer, when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac and then storms off again...

The bartender says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”
The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qaoh2/a_bit_of_red_tarmac_and_a_bit_of_black_tarmac/
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TIL Donald Trump personally built the barn for his daughters horses, and apparently he did a better job than most professional barn raisers do.

Guess you could say that makes him a stable Genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qalxr/til_donald_trump_personally_built_the_barn_for/
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I want to make a sad YouTube channel where I compress soda cans

I'll name it "Soda Pressing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qact2/i_want_to_make_a_sad_youtube_channel_where_i/
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Today, in Hawaii, a missile wasn't fired

But someone sure will be...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qacq8/today_in_hawaii_a_missile_wasnt_fired/
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I hate immigrants..

If I could find a country that didn't let in any immigrants, I'd move there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qabeo/i_hate_immigrants/
%
Want to hear a knock knock joke?

A: "Want to hear a knock knock joke?"
B: "Yeah sure."
A: "Ok great. You start it up."
B: "Ok. Knock knock."
A: "Who's there?"
B: Confused silence... Dawning comprehension...
My dad got me with this when I was a kid. I think it's pretty great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qaaip/want_to_hear_a_knock_knock_joke/
%
What do you call Batman when he skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qaa27/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_skips_church/
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What do the Titanic and the Toronto Maple Leaves have in common?

Both look good until they hit the ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qa9lo/what_do_the_titanic_and_the_toronto_maple_leaves/
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What font is alphabet soup in?

Times New Ramen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qa5js/what_font_is_alphabet_soup_in/
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President Trump looked out the Oval Office window one winter morning -- and called in the FBI

The President was *furious* because someone had written "Fuck Trump" in yellow snow. "I want to know what loser did that, pronto!"
A few hours later, the FBI presented the results of their investigation. "Mr. President, the urine is Steve Bannon's, -- and the hand-writing is Melania's."
[Adapted from a circa 1970 joke with Nixon, Kissinger and Pat]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qa4f1/president_trump_looked_out_the_oval_office_window/
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What do you call it if you are attracted to pasta?

Fetishuccine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qa3ht/what_do_you_call_it_if_you_are_attracted_to_pasta/
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Asians are like a box of chocolates...

They will kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qa2qn/asians_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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What did 0 say to 1?

You're turning me on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7qa1rc/what_did_0_say_to_1/
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I asked my girlfriend to 69

She sighed and said, “how bout instead we 9p?”
I got really excited- “I’ve never done that before! How does it work?”
“Well, you lay that way, I lay this way, and then we go the fuck to sleep”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q9vio/i_asked_my_girlfriend_to_69/
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I love inside jokes...

Hope to be part of one someday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q9vg5/i_love_inside_jokes/
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Why is the south bad at calculus?

They don't know how to integrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q9t4p/why_is_the_south_bad_at_calculus/
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The mods were banning users who were arguing in the Hindu subreddit..

As they didn't want any beef in their sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q9t0g/the_mods_were_banning_users_who_were_arguing_in/
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A new zoo is opening soon! It only has one animal.

It's a Shih Tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q9r34/a_new_zoo_is_opening_soon_it_only_has_one_animal/
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What’s a neckbeards favorite part of a song?

Me’lody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q9ow3/whats_a_neckbeards_favorite_part_of_a_song/
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What do two communists have in common?

Everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q9or0/what_do_two_communists_have_in_common/
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My friend and I were in Hawaii, we both got messages saying ballistic missiles were closing in on us, and thought we had minutes to live.

I asked "What are you going to do?" He said "I'm fucking the first thing that moves. What are you going to do?" I said "Try to stay perfectly still".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q9msz/my_friend_and_i_were_in_hawaii_we_both_got/
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What do you call lesbian step-sisters with a strap-on?

Pegasis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q9moi/what_do_you_call_lesbian_stepsisters_with_a/
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Cliff and Billy are two farmers, who have been friends their entire lives.

Billy goes to Cliff's house, but he can't find him anywhere. Just as Billy is about to leave, he walks by the barn doors and sees Cliff through the gap. Cliff has his pants around his ankles and his dick in the exhaust pipe of his old John Deere.
"What the hell are you doing?" Bill exclaims.
"Well, my wife hasn't been physical with me lately," Cliff replies, "My doc said I should do something sexy to a tractor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q9lt8/cliff_and_billy_are_two_farmers_who_have_been/
%
I submitted ten puns to a pun contest hoping that at least one would win...

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q9iul/i_submitted_ten_puns_to_a_pun_contest_hoping_that/
%
I asked my dad how many inches are in a foot

He said it depends whose foot it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q92qj/i_asked_my_dad_how_many_inches_are_in_a_foot/
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Remeber when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q90oe/remeber_when_plastic_surgery_was_a_taboo_subject/
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A guy prays to god.”please let me win the lottery”.

Nothing happens and the next week he prays again “I really need the money, please let me win the lottery”.
Another week passes and still nothing so he goes to the top of a mountain and screams out “if I don’t win the lottery, I’m going to jump!”. And then he hears a booming voice...
“Buy a ticket!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q8zhs/a_guy_prays_to_godplease_let_me_win_the_lottery/
%
I still remember what my grandpa told me before he kicked the bucket.

"Hey kiddo, how far do you think i can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q8yre/i_still_remember_what_my_grandpa_told_me_before/
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I tried to bond with my son by teaching him how to play the theremin.

My wife didn't think it was a hands-on activity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q8v40/i_tried_to_bond_with_my_son_by_teaching_him_how/
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What do you call a dead cat?

It doesn’t matter. It’s not coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q8t7v/what_do_you_call_a_dead_cat/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish person?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q8rj2/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
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What do you call a cannibal that doesn’t believe in himself?

A cant-ibal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q8nqm/what_do_you_call_a_cannibal_that_doesnt_believe/
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The cabinet maker

A woman in Tel-Aviv finally saves enough money to buy a new hand-made cabinet, and has it installed in her home, which faces the street whereby bus number 5 passes.
As she is admiring her new purchase, she notices that bus number 5 passes her house, and as it does, the cabinet doors open up.  "That's strange," she thinks to herself, as she closes the cabinet doors.  After some minutes, bus number 5 passes her house again, and as happened the first time, the cabinet doors open wide.
Confused, the woman calls the cabinet maker and asks him to come to her house.  The cabinet maker arrives at the house and asks the woman about the exact issue she is having.  She explains, "every time bus number 5 passes the front of my house, the doors on the cabinet open up."
The cabinet maker has been building cabinets for more than 30 years and he's never heard of such a thing.  Just then, bus number 5 passes the house, and the cabinet doors spring open.  Amazed, the cabinet maker takes some tools, and start adjusting the hinges and looking around the edges of the doors for some clues.  A few moments later, bus number 5 passes again, and once again, the doors spring open.
Completely clueless, the cabinet maker tells the woman, "even though it is a small cabinet, I'm going to climb inside and do some adjustments and then wait for bus number 5 to pass again to see if I can figure this out from the inside."  He contorts his body, climbs in and asks the woman to close the cabinet doors.
Just then, the woman's husband arrives home. He enters the house and admires the new cabinet.  He opens the doors and finds the cabinet maker inside.
"What are you doing in there?" asks the husband.
The cabinet maker responds, "If I told you I was waiting for bus number 5, would you believe me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q8mo4/the_cabinet_maker/
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I have a jar in my garage labeled, "My Bachelor Years."

It's filled with a bunch of random screws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q8mg1/i_have_a_jar_in_my_garage_labeled_my_bachelor/
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Blonde physical education teacher

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher for 16 - 18 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'Are you ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..
The boy looks at her incredulously and says:
"Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q8f7k/blonde_physical_education_teacher/
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A shepherd has 20 white sheep and 3 black ones.

A guy nearby comes to talk to him.
"What do your sheep do all day?"
"Well, usually the white ones search for good grass to eat."
"And the black ones?"
"They usually also spend time searching for good grass."
"How many times a year do you mow them?"
"I usually mow the white ones 3 to 4 times a year"
"What about the black ones?"
"About 3 or 4 times every year."
The guy frowns. "Why do you distinguish between the two kinds if the answer is the same?"
"Well, the white ones are mine."
"And the others?"
"Also mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q8c6e/a_shepherd_has_20_white_sheep_and_3_black_ones/
%
Trump should not have said "shit-hole countries".

The correct term is "turd-world countries".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q8bi2/trump_should_not_have_said_shithole_countries/
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I didn’t like my beard at first

But then it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q8a9d/i_didnt_like_my_beard_at_first/
%
So today I started comparing myself to a trash can...

... and everything was going great until I realized that trash can actually has a purpose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q8785/so_today_i_started_comparing_myself_to_a_trash_can/
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Math in a nutshell

Catholic people fail trigonometry because they don’t sin
Irish fail because they can’t tan
Everyone else fails just cos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q8566/math_in_a_nutshell/
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I got an emergency alert about an incoming missile on my phone today.

When I got it I went intercontinentally ballistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q83fe/i_got_an_emergency_alert_about_an_incoming/
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A man's Co worker is criticizing him for smoking

"how often do you smoke?"
"A pack a day"
"How long have you been smoking for?"
"About 22 years now"
"Really? Well I'll tell you why it's dumb, if you had saved that 15 dollars a day for 22 years, you would have had more than 100,000 dollars by now! That's enough for a Ferrari!
"Ok, well do you smoke?"
"Of course not"
"Well then where's your fucking Ferrari?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q832t/a_mans_co_worker_is_criticizing_him_for_smoking/
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What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q80xk/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
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What did Zero say to Eight?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q7qux/what_did_zero_say_to_eight/
%
Don't trust atoms...

they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q7qnk/dont_trust_atoms/
%
I was playing golf last weekend

There were two women ahead of us playing very slowly.
After 5 holes, I'd had enough, and went ahead to ask if we could play through.
I soon came back with a look of terror on my face, and said it was my wife and my mistress and there was no way I could approach them and ask to play through, would he do it instead?
He went ahead, then returned and said "it's a small world, isn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q7opm/i_was_playing_golf_last_weekend/
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The Indian Cheif's weather..

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold
or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern
society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather
was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to
be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told
them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,
"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going
to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of
the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood
like crazy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q7o3k/the_indian_cheifs_weather/
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I went for a romantic break with the wife

She came out of the bathroom and said "take off my dress"
As I peeled off her dress, she said "take off my bra"
My hands trembled as I unclasped the strap. Then came "take off my knickers"
I slowly pulled them down, and she shouted
"and I don't ever want to catch you wearing them again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q7m9r/i_went_for_a_romantic_break_with_the_wife/
%
I’ve finally decided what I want my last words to be as they send me down to hell.

WRONG LEVER!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q7lq9/ive_finally_decided_what_i_want_my_last_words_to/
%
I was out a bar and I met a beautiful woman

I asked her if I could buy her a drink, she said she wasn't interested because she was a lesbian.
I asked, oh, what part of Lesbania are you from?
She said, no, you don't understand. You see that girl dancing over there? I'd love nothing more than to go over, pull down her knickers and kiss both her ass cheeks.
I said, that's odd, I must be a lesbian too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q7l6w/i_was_out_a_bar_and_i_met_a_beautiful_woman/
%
9 out of 10 doctors recommend drinking water over soda

Not Dr. Pepper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q7kbu/9_out_of_10_doctors_recommend_drinking_water_over/
%
It's a great time to invest in retail clothing stock.

Pants and underwear sales in Hawaii are booming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q7ik5/its_a_great_time_to_invest_in_retail_clothing/
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I asked my daughter....

.....if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q7dvq/i_asked_my_daughter/
%
Mom says it's just a phase..

..but I really want to become an electrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q7d2b/mom_says_its_just_a_phase/
%
A water inspector got a lethal lead poisoning...

Before dying he said: "It tastes... Irony"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q7cla/a_water_inspector_got_a_lethal_lead_poisoning/
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I went to the Air & Space Museum.

There was nothing there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q79ou/i_went_to_the_air_space_museum/
%
A man just threw a glass of milk at me......

how dairy?!?!
Shout out ATH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q77zs/a_man_just_threw_a_glass_of_milk_at_me/
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*Knock knock* (courtesy of a 9 year old)

Who's there?
I eat map.
I eat map who?
*Queue a disgusted face on my cousin* **YOU EAT YOUR POO!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q75ws/knock_knock_courtesy_of_a_9_year_old/
%
Today I was at the bookstore.

As I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q6zbh/today_i_was_at_the_bookstore/
%
My sister asked me for her lip balm. I accidentally gave her superglue

She's still not talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q6saz/my_sister_asked_me_for_her_lip_balm_i/
%
Oprah said she might run for president, and it started a conversation about who would run against Trump. But we already know who becomes president after Trump ...

Lisa Simpson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q6ji2/oprah_said_she_might_run_for_president_and_it/
%
I tried snorting coke for the first time

I didn't like it, the bubbles tickled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q6ijp/i_tried_snorting_coke_for_the_first_time/
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What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

You need only 1 nail to hang the painting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q6fg6/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_painting/
%
What did one costume say to the others?

Look at disguise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q6bhh/what_did_one_costume_say_to_the_others/
%
Mickey Mouse is trying to get a divorce with Minnie

Divorce lawyer: so you're telling me that Minnie was very silly?
Mickey: no, she was fucking goofy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q66zh/mickey_mouse_is_trying_to_get_a_divorce_with/
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A blonde walks into a bank

in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally... a smart blonde joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q658n/a_blonde_walks_into_a_bank/
%
Tide Pods are really great at cleaning...

Up the gene pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q6457/tide_pods_are_really_great_at_cleaning/
%
Google is useless

I tried looking up lighters and all they had was 69,000,000 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q641i/google_is_useless/
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I was driving along the road and I saw a coffin on the curb with a sign that said "FREE"

I thought to myself, "this is the last thing I need."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q61ef/i_was_driving_along_the_road_and_i_saw_a_coffin/
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Glass of Milk

Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier
Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
Sperm bank employee: Oh my God
Me: What
Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q5yvp/glass_of_milk/
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I recall my first time buying condoms

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q5x8v/i_recall_my_first_time_buying_condoms/
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q5tm7/why_do_squirrels_swim_on_their_backs/
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9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q5t0u/9_out_of_10_doctors_reccommend_for_children_to/
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I may have dementia

but at least I don't have dementia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q5r25/i_may_have_dementia/
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If I had a nickel for every time someone said “look at that asshole!”

I’d have enough money to patch up that hole in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q5f0q/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_someone_said/
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What's the common point between shoes and jews ?

They'r both common in 39 and rare in 45

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q5c1b/whats_the_common_point_between_shoes_and_jews/
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I have a huge phobia of hair.

I dreadlocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q5b0b/i_have_a_huge_phobia_of_hair/
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My main job is as a male nanny, but I don't get healthcare when I'm sick, I get spa days

It's because I need a Manicure!
^^^I ^^^^am ^^^^^actually ^^^^^^a ^^^^^^Nanny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q57rk/my_main_job_is_as_a_male_nanny_but_i_dont_get/
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Always cracks me up when I hear this one.

Professional Overwatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q55x0/always_cracks_me_up_when_i_hear_this_one/
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What did the letter O say to the letter Q?

Dude, your dick is hanging out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q512c/what_did_the_letter_o_say_to_the_letter_q/
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Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Peter: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Peter: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Peter: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Peter: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Peter, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Peter: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q504b/teacher_if_i_gave_you_2_cats_and_another_2_cats/
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I saw two Punjabi guys fighting...

It was a Sikh fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4zww/i_saw_two_punjabi_guys_fighting/
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Any sentence can be a sexual innuendo...

You just have to think long and hard about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4zt9/any_sentence_can_be_a_sexual_innuendo/
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1=0

Cos 0=1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4zsd/10/
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Two black eyes

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I tucked it back in for her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4z4v/two_black_eyes/
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As a child I always thought of my dad as a superhero

The invisible man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4yu8/as_a_child_i_always_thought_of_my_dad_as_a/
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The story of Hook'm and Snook'm, the fastest horses you've ever seen [LONG]

Hook'm and Snook'm were two horses that were born in the great plains of Wyoming. They were brothers and from the time they were born they loved to race more than they loved anything else. Hook'm was bigger and faster, but Snook'm was always close behind. From sunup to sundown, the brothers would race around the plains, with Hook'm always in front, taunting Snook'm.
"You can't catch me! You can't catch me!" Hook'm would always yell. They dreamed of being race horses, flying around a track with crowds cheering their names, just like in the stories the older horses would tell them. Hook'm would listen to the roar of the wind on summer days and close his eyes, pretending it was his audience roaring with excitement.
One afternoon, two cowboys came across the horses racing across the field; Hook'm tearing through the tall grass, with Snook'm close behind.
"Well I reckon them's about the fastest horses I ever done seen." The cowboy said.
"Well I do declare you may be right," his partner agreed.
The next morning, the cowboys left out some carrots and hid behind a bush. Hook'm and Snook'm went straight for the carrots and the cowboys lasso'd them and lead them to a truck. They took the horses to a racetrack in Kentucky to show off what they had found.
The horses woke up in the stable and peered over the walls. "Snook'm! Come look at this!" Hook'm said. "There's a racetrack here! Just like we heard about growing up!"
At that moment, the cowboys came to the stable door, with the racetrack owner behind them. They opened the door and the horses immediately took off around the track. Hook'm tore out of the gate and Snook'm followed. The racetrack owner stood in awe of how fast these horses ran. He offered the cowboys a handsome sum for the horses, which the cowboys gladly took.
The next day the horses were set to debut. Two jockeys climbed on top of the horses and lined up in the starting line. When the race started, Hook'm and Snook'm were off, kicking up dust around the track, at least 10 yards ahead of the next fastest horse. The crowd was speechless watching these horses tear around the track; Hook'm handily in front and Snook'm following behind.
Every weekend a larger crowd would gather to watch these horses, lining up early in the morning to get a spot out front to see Hook'm and Snook'm. Hook'm was the favorite; he was the fastest horse anyone had ever seen. But Snook'm had his fans as well, and people loved to watch the two horses run.
Snook'm loved racing, but Hook'm loved winning. After each race Hook'm trotted up to the winner's circle with his head high and a colorful wreath of flowers draped around his neck, while the jockeys popped bottles of champagne and showered each other and the horses in the spray.
After a while, Hook'm began to develop a taste for the champagne. He would sneak out at night and take bottles back to his stable during the week. He started drinking earlier and earlier in the day, and later and later into the night. Snook'm began to notice that Hook'm was stumbling in races, weaving back and forth and panting heavily when he finished.
One night when Hook'm was drinking, Snook'm snuck into his room. There he found Hook'm leaning against the wall, surrounded by empty bottles. "Hook'm! What are you doing, man? Look at yourself!" Hook'm stumbled to his feet.
"Hey! I can drink all I want okay? I'm the winner, and the winner gets what he wants! So why don't you get off my back, okay?"
"Hook'm, we have a race tomorrow! You can't run like this, you're piss drunk! You'll have a heart attack!"
"Well then you'd win and that's what you wanted, huh? To beat me? Well too fucking bad, Snook'm, cause tomorrow I'm gonna beat you, just like every other time."
Hook'm kicked a bottle into the wall and stormed at Snook'm, eyes red with fury. Snook'm ran away in tears, back to the safety of his room. He was worried about Hook'm, but he couldn't seem to help him.
The next morning the crowds were lined up around the stadium. People were excited to come see Hook'm win his first championship. When the horses lined up at the starting gates, Snook'm saw that Hook'm was still drunk from the night before. His face was pale and his knees wobbled as he lined up to the gate.
The gun went off and Hook'm tore out of the gate like a rocket, legs pumping and nostrils flaring. Snook'm followed with the rest of the horses at a steady pace. The race was 10 laps, and Snook'm knew to pace himself.
By lap 5, Hook'm was halfway across the track, weaving and huffing and pumping along, but he started to waver. His knees were burning and the jockey felt like a ton of bricks on his aching back. Snook'm lead the rest of the pack, slowly gaining on Hook'm.
Laps 6 and 7 Snook'm drew closer. By lap 8 Hook'm was really struggling to keep his lead. Snook'm was gaining on him with every lap. As Hook'm crossed the line of the 8th lap, his front legs gave out and he stumbled into the side wall. Snook'm was closing in on him and Hook'm was having to weave back and forth to stay in front. The crowd was roaring. They had neer seen a race so intense.
As the flag waved for the final lap, Snook'm was nose to tail with Hook'm. He had never been this close to victory, to validation, to glory. As they turned the final corner Snook'm came nose to nose with Hook'm. He saw that Hookm's face, now ghost white, his eyes focused only on the finish line. In the final stretch, it happened. Hook'ms legs gave out from under him and he crashed into the ground. Snook'm flew across the finish line, just as fast as he had started. The crowd went wild, throwing flowers at Snook'm, screaming and chanting his name.
"Snook'm! Snook'm! Snook'm!"
But Snook'm looked back and saw Hook'm on the ground, not moving. A silence spread through the audience as they began to notice the motionless horse on the racetrack. EMTs surrounded Hook'm. "He's not breathing!" One of them said.
Snook'm approached catiously, staring at his brother's cold body in the dirt. He drew up to Hook'ms face, and he didn't see the fury or anger that he had seen just moments ago. He saw only his brother, who he had grown up with in the plains of Wyoming, the face that would laugh and taunt at him while they bounded through the tall grass.
"Wow..." Snook'm whispered. "He would rather die than let me win..."
The EMT looked up at Snook'm and Snook'm looked back. The EMTs face was wraught with worry as he focused on Snook'm and said:
"Holy shit a talking horse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4y7a/the_story_of_hookm_and_snookm_the_fastest_horses/
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Three old ladies

were sitting on a bench in the park enjoying the sun.  A flasher came up and exposed himself.  The first one had a stroke.  The second one had a stroke. The third one could not reach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4x2f/three_old_ladies/
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A funny joke that my arabic dad told me :"the boy who wanted onion flavoured ice cream"

One day , The ice cream shop has a visitor , It is a little boy , The shop keeper says "Welcome , You came to the right place for your ice cream needs young man!" The little boy shouts while he is still at the door : "Do you guys have onion flavoured ice cream?" , The man is suprised and said: "no ,we don't sorry" the boy leaves The next day at the same time the boy comes in , The shop keeper out of habit says "Welcome" but he sees that it is the boy and silences him self thinking the boy is mad . The boy says :"Do you have onion flavoured ice cream?" The man says :"No , We dont".
That keeps going for 2 or 3 weeks until the man thought to himself:"You know , Why dont i make onion flavoured Ice cream for the little guy?" and he stood up all night to make it great . The boy comes the next day , "Welcome" says the shop keeper, The boy says the usual lines :"Do you have onion flavoured Ice cream?" the man excitingly says : "Yes we do" the boy then says : "Wow you guys must be retarded , Who would buy that shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4wk0/a_funny_joke_that_my_arabic_dad_told_me_the_boy/
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What’s god’s favorite cheese?

Swiss. It’s very holy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4v31/whats_gods_favorite_cheese/
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DPRK sends astronaut to the sun

Kim Jong Un is sitting in his office. He proudly tells his advisors:
“ North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”
His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:
“How are you going to send people to the sun? It’s too hot!”
Kim Jong Un replies by saying to his advisors:
“What an idiot! We can send them at night!”
His advisors break out in applause. On hearing this Donald Trump says to his advisors:
“What an idiot!…
There is no sun at night!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4m57/dprk_sends_astronaut_to_the_sun/
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A senior citizen was driving down the freeway...

when his wife called his cell phone.
"Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said the man, "It's hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4jvp/a_senior_citizen_was_driving_down_the_freeway/
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My wife and I made a list of people we can sleep with if we ever met. She picked Channing Tatum, Alex Pettyfer, and Cam Gigandet

I picked her sister, her cousin, and our neighbor because men are simple like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4ijb/my_wife_and_i_made_a_list_of_people_we_can_sleep/
%
There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.
But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.
Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.
Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.
But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.
Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, “Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me.”
Curious, Attila did as he asked.
Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.
“Now hold these in both hands,” he instructed.
Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.
To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, “Thy anaconda don’t want nun unless you’ve got buns, Hun.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4gwt/theres_a_littleknown_legend_about_attila_the_hun/
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A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.

He shouts to the barkeep “Five drinks please”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4gr7/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_holds_up_two_fingers/
%
I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician. Oh, and a Czech one too.

Czech one too. Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4di3/i_have_a_polish_friend_whos_a_sound_technician_oh/
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How do you make an octopus laugh?

You give it ten-tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q49r2/how_do_you_make_an_octopus_laugh/
%
I was passing by a cemetery this morning

And I saw a man  crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning" I told him
"No mate,  just taking a shit" he replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q4965/i_was_passing_by_a_cemetery_this_morning/
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One of my friends denies being addicted to brake fluid

He says he can stop anytime he wants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q493f/one_of_my_friends_denies_being_addicted_to_brake/
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A english teacher asked the class...

... “Use the word ‘dandelion’ in a sentence.”
The Jamaican kid then stood up and proudly exclaimed -
“De Cheetah is fastah dandelion’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q48sj/a_english_teacher_asked_the_class/
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When making a plan, it’s always wise to include a chronic masturbator.

You never know when they’ll cum in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q48b3/when_making_a_plan_its_always_wise_to_include_a/
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So, Mr Lincoln, what do you have to say about your drunken spree?

Well, four shots and seven beers ago...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q47fp/so_mr_lincoln_what_do_you_have_to_say_about_your/
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I ordered a new blender but they sent me one that had clearly been used.

Seems like there was a mix up at the store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q44ex/i_ordered_a_new_blender_but_they_sent_me_one_that/
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My first highschool football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was pretty roughed up, sore, and kinda bloody, but at least my dad came (:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q44b9/my_first_highschool_football_game_was_a_lot_like/
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Saw a guy walking with a naked woman on his back. "You OK?" I asked.

"Sure. I'm headed to a fancy dress as a tortoise."
"And her?"
"Oh, that's Michelle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q42zi/saw_a_guy_walking_with_a_naked_woman_on_his_back/
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A guy was walking in the park when he notices an elderly man weeping on a park bench.

He walks up to him and asks “What’s the matter old timer?”
He says “Well I’ve just been married about three months now... she’s a young and beautiful little thing... 28 years old... she loves me. I get home every day and she just throws me in the bed and tears my clothes off and sucks me and fucks me and everything....”
Confused, the guy says “Well what are you crying about?!”
He says “I can’t remember where I live!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q3xol/a_guy_was_walking_in_the_park_when_he_notices_an/
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Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier today...

He was on crack, she was on blow...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q3x71/saw_two_druggies_having_a_69_in_the_park_earlier/
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My mayonnaise is trying kill me...

...or so my sauces tell me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q3nse/my_mayonnaise_is_trying_kill_me/
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My dads answer to everything was alcohol.

He wasn't a big drinker, he was just shit at crosswords.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q3i8d/my_dads_answer_to_everything_was_alcohol/
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A rock walks into a bar

The bartender tells him "we don't serve your kind here"
So the rock says: "Why not? I'm a gneiss guy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q3d2b/a_rock_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q39nr/what_do_sea_monsters_eat/
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I work on a two-person assembly line of Dracula toys...

I’ve got to make every second count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q38sx/i_work_on_a_twoperson_assembly_line_of_dracula/
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Two cannibals are sitting around a campfire.

One says to the other, "I hate my mother-in-law." The other says, "Then just eat the vegetables."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q38ep/two_cannibals_are_sitting_around_a_campfire/
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It's only a murder of crows...

... if there's probable caws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q34zt/its_only_a_murder_of_crows/
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Give a teen a fish, and they'll be full for a day

Give a teen a Tide Pod, and they'll be full for the rest of their life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q336g/give_a_teen_a_fish_and_theyll_be_full_for_a_day/
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(Long) A dude walks into a bar and sees a large jar of money...

He orders his drink and asked the bartender why there was a massive pickle jar full of $10 bills? The bartender points out the window “you see that horse in the stable? Put your money in the jar and if you can make him laugh, you get all the money.” The guy thought about it for a moment and says “yeah...easy enough.” He puts his money in the jar, slams his drink, walks out to the horse and whispers something in its ear. The horse loses his shit and laughed harder than it ever had in its life. The man proceeds back to the bar, grabs the jar and leaves.
A month or so later the man returns to the bar and sees another large jar, this time full of $20s. He orders a drink and asks “okay...what’s with the jar this time?” The bartender hands him his drink and replies “alright, asshole. This time you have to make the horse laugh AND cry!” The guy nods his head a few times and says again “yeah....easy enough.” So he slams his drink, throws his $20 in the jar and walks out to the horse. He agains whispers something in the horses ear and, again, the horse laughs his ass off. After a brief pause the horse begins sobbing uncontrollably like he just witnessed the murder of a loved one.
The dude walks back in the bar to collect his prize and is gripped up by the now furious bartender. “Hold up, pig shit! You’re not going anywhere ‘til you tell me how the hell you did that!” The man grinned and said “well, first I told the horse I had a bigger dick than him....then I proved it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q30o2/long_a_dude_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_large_jar/
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You think you are introverted?

Wait until you never meet me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q2ygu/you_think_you_are_introverted/
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I've had this fantasy about an orgy with hot nurses that hasn't come true yet

Guess I need to be patient

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q2smn/ive_had_this_fantasy_about_an_orgy_with_hot/
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2 cannibals Greg and Alan

Greg and Alan start eating their fresh kill, Greg starts at the head and Alan starts at the feet.
About 15 minutes into dinner Greg, eating the head still, asks the Alan how he is doing
Alan replies "I'm having a ball Greg."
Greg says "slow down your eating too fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q2pjb/2_cannibals_greg_and_alan/
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Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force?

They wouldn't know who to shoot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q2jog/why_arent_color_blind_people_allowed_to_join_the/
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Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier. Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk? Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk. Sperm bank employee: Oh my god! Me: What?

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q2imk/me_thank_you_for_that_glass_of_milk_earlier_sperm/
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Did you hear about the lady with the fruit fetish?

She was fucking bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q2i9b/did_you_hear_about_the_lady_with_the_fruit_fetish/
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Where did Hitler take his sick German Shepherd?

To the veteran-aryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q2i3e/where_did_hitler_take_his_sick_german_shepherd/
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To be Frank,

I would have to change my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q2gej/to_be_frank/
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Did you hear about the the lady with a fruit fetish?

She was fucking bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q2fkp/did_you_hear_about_the_the_lady_with_a_fruit/
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Well played Mr Trump

If you googled 'Trump' and 'shithole' before this week, the only thing that came up were hotel reviews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q2ece/well_played_mr_trump/
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Why does a scuba diver fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if he fell forwards he'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q29zs/why_does_a_scuba_diver_fall_backwards_out_of_the/
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Little boy asks a farmer "how do you tell the girl pigs from the boy pigs?".....

Farmer says "By their pigtails"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q28uq/little_boy_asks_a_farmer_how_do_you_tell_the_girl/
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What's the difference between an art major and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major will ask you WHY you want fries with that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q25ya/whats_the_difference_between_an_art_major_and_a/
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What's the difference between a proctologist and a gynecologist?

The smell of the finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q25rr/whats_the_difference_between_a_proctologist_and_a/
%
A skeleton walks into a bar

He asks for a beer and a mop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q20fu/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My penis was in the most recent edition of the Guinness Book of World Records.

until I got kicked out of the library

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q1wk1/my_penis_was_in_the_most_recent_edition_of_the/
%
Where do bees catch their bus?

At the buzz stop. Haha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q1rii/where_do_bees_catch_their_bus/
%
Her: how bout a threesome?

Me: threesome? If I wanted to disappoint 2 people I'd go to dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q1pmt/her_how_bout_a_threesome/
%
The teacher is asking students to use a given word in a sentence. . .

. . . and she comes to Johnny.
"Johnny, your word is fascinate.  Use fascinate in a sentence."
"My sister's blouse has ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fascinate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q1kwm/the_teacher_is_asking_students_to_use_a_given/
%
Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q1kqm/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
%
Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.”

Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q1hj3/me_when_i_donate_blood_i_do_not_extract_it_myself/
%
I used to steal other people's jokes.

I still do, but I used to, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q1hc7/i_used_to_steal_other_peoples_jokes/
%
Doctor says alcoholism is a disease...

Bartender says get your shots here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q1d4b/doctor_says_alcoholism_is_a_disease/
%
Why does a chicken lay eggs?

Because if she dropped them, they'd break

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q1awv/why_does_a_chicken_lay_eggs/
%
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

Knock on the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q1a7e/how_do_you_sink_a_submarine_full_of_blondes/
%
Porcupine versus Mercedes

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes-Benz?
A: On a Mercedes-Benz, the pricks are on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q18bw/porcupine_versus_mercedes/
%
An english boat in german waters

An english boat is sailing in German waters and the captain says to the coastguards "I'm sinking I'm sinking!". And the coastguard says "What are you sinking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q1321/an_english_boat_in_german_waters/
%
Have you ever had sex while camping?

Q: Have you ever had sex while camping?
A: It's fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q12qm/have_you_ever_had_sex_while_camping/
%
Q: What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

A: Silicon Valley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q0z3l/q_what_do_you_call_the_cleavage_between_breast/
%
People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q0r0y/people_say_gambling_ruins_lives_but_it_brought/
%
I was so tried today after working at the giant keyboard factory..

I put in a big shift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q0qgj/i_was_so_tried_today_after_working_at_the_giant/
%
What’s the difference between a microwave and anal sex?

A microwave doesn’t Brown your meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q0q42/whats_the_difference_between_a_microwave_and_anal/
%
Did you hear what the Jedi council said about Mustafar?

They called it a Sith hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q0nkj/did_you_hear_what_the_jedi_council_said_about/
%
The Jumpers

Three guys, an Italian guy, an American guy, and a Polish guy were working construction together on a high rise. Everyday at lunch, they would sit and eat together on an I-Beam, high above the city. Italian guy opens his lunch and says, "Man, I'm tired of getting the same meatball sandwich everyday. If I get the same lunch tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this beam." American guy opens his lunch, "If I get the same damn ham and cheese sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump too!" Polish guy opens his lunch and says, "And if I get the same sausage on whole wheat tomorrow, I'll jump with both of you! I've had it!"
The next day at work, the Italian guy opens his lunch, "Meatballs again. Jesus." He jumps from the beam. American guy opens his lunch, "Ham and cheese? Really?" He shakes his head and jumps. Polish guy opens his lunch, "Sausage on whole wheat. Again." and he jumps.
A few days later, the company held a wake for the workers who had recently died. At the wake, the wives of the men who jumped were speaking amongst themselves. The Italian's wife says, "I didn't know he hated my cooking so much. I wouldn't have kept making him the same thing if I knew this would happen!" The American's wife responds, "And I wouldn't have kept making ham and cheese!" The Polack's wife says, "I don't know why my husband killed himself - He made his own lunch."
-One of my favorite jokes, ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q0l3z/the_jumpers/
%
Why did the man convert to Mormonism?

Because he wanted to have his Kate, and Edith, too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q0kvf/why_did_the_man_convert_to_mormonism/
%
Here about new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu: You get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q0gnh/here_about_new_restaurant_called_karma/
%
What's Trump's favorite song from the 80s?

Shithole - by Toto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q0cej/whats_trumps_favorite_song_from_the_80s/
%
I just published my first book about poltergeists...

...and the store told me they're flying off the shelves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q0c6g/i_just_published_my_first_book_about_poltergeists/
%
My girlfriend has a constant case of halitosis...

So I guess it's a good thing I'm hung like a Tic-Tac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q0brs/my_girlfriend_has_a_constant_case_of_halitosis/
%
I asked my dad where he thinks I should take my outdoor-loving girlfriend on vacation. He said Alaska.

It’s been a month now and bastard still hasn’t told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q05de/i_asked_my_dad_where_he_thinks_i_should_take_my/
%
December 19 was the 102nd anniversary of the death of Alois Alzheimer.

But of course no one remembered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7q056k/december_19_was_the_102nd_anniversary_of_the/
%
What do you call the guy who created the Gangnam Style dance?

A Koreagrapher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pzzaz/what_do_you_call_the_guy_who_created_the_gangnam/
%
If people make you sick,

You’re probably not cooking them long enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pzxjb/if_people_make_you_sick/
%
What is a priest's cell phone provider?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pzwhj/what_is_a_priests_cell_phone_provider/
%
Why don’t vampires feel bad about the evil things they do?

They’re incapable of reflection
(I’ll see myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pzu48/why_dont_vampires_feel_bad_about_the_evil_things/
%
Daddy long legs

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat...
'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden' she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pzr3n/daddy_long_legs/
%
Why do nurses fuck musicians?

So they can get band-aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pzq3a/why_do_nurses_fuck_musicians/
%
Didn’t see this coming.

If a blind girl tells you that you have a big cock, she is probably just pulling your leg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pzona/didnt_see_this_coming/
%
What did one nut say to the other nut it was chasing?

I’m a cashew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pzf4e/what_did_one_nut_say_to_the_other_nut_it_was/
%
My audio editor keeps shutting down unexpectedly while I'm working.

The Audacity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pzd2y/my_audio_editor_keeps_shutting_down_unexpectedly/
%
Reportedly the President said...

If I can employ an employee, why can't I hate a Haiti?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pzawc/reportedly_the_president_said/
%
I come from a very musical family

Even the sewing machine's a singer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pz6zp/i_come_from_a_very_musical_family/
%
How beautiful is the Grand Canyon?

It's just gorges

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pz6no/how_beautiful_is_the_grand_canyon/
%
Last night I dreamt in colour

But then I woke up and realised it was a pigment of my imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pz3n7/last_night_i_dreamt_in_colour/
%
Why is the letter S likely to prove dangerous in an argument?

because it turns words into swords

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pz12i/why_is_the_letter_s_likely_to_prove_dangerous_in/
%
Why did Trump ban pre-shredded cheese?

Because he wants to make America Grate Again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pyssg/why_did_trump_ban_preshredded_cheese/
%
I spent too much money on video games this year.

My savings have gone up in Steam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pypxw/i_spent_too_much_money_on_video_games_this_year/
%
I hated the way I looked after I shaved my mustache...

But then it started growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pypr9/i_hated_the_way_i_looked_after_i_shaved_my/
%
I have a story about digging holes...

But you probably wouldn't enjoy it because it's just boring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pyolu/i_have_a_story_about_digging_holes/
%
A priest, a politician, a 4th grade teacher and all his students are on a plane.

Suddenly both engines kick out and the plane is speeding towards the ground. Certain death is inevitable.
The teacer starts screaming "What about the children!"
The politician says "You know what? Fuck the children!"
The priest says "Do you think we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pymrw/a_priest_a_politician_a_4th_grade_teacher_and_all/
%
I had a dream I was a wheel

I woke up tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pymfj/i_had_a_dream_i_was_a_wheel/
%
Like I tell my wife: it might only be three inches...

But it smells more like a foot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pylzb/like_i_tell_my_wife_it_might_only_be_three_inches/
%
Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor Joe. Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That’s not what I was talking about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pyle3/daughter_mom_i_have_a_new_boyfriend_our_neighbor/
%
An American businessman..

..was playing a round of golf with an Italian businessman, a French businessman, and a Japanese businessman. His plan was to congratulate them on every shot they made.
The Italian businessman went first and got within 20 yards of the hole.
The American, knowing some Italian, said, "buono tiro".
The French businessman went next and got within 10 yards of the hole.
The American, knowing some french, said, "bon tire".
The Japanese businessman went next and got a hole in one!
But this time, the American didn't know any Japanese. He remembered though, that he hooked up with a Japanese girl once and she kept yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Wanting to please the Japanese businessman he started yelling "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
The Japanese businessman turned to him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pyk1g/an_american_businessman/
%
Why did the condom hit the wall ?

Because it was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pyhm9/why_did_the_condom_hit_the_wall/
%
I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pyedh/ive_recently_developed_a_severe_phobia_of/
%
My mother was a Cancer, which is ironic.

Since she was actually killed by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pydte/my_mother_was_a_cancer_which_is_ironic/
%
How do you get an art major off your front porch?

Pay for the pizza

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pydl4/how_do_you_get_an_art_major_off_your_front_porch/
%
What is a zombie's favorite exercise?

Undeadlifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pydf1/what_is_a_zombies_favorite_exercise/
%
Duct tape;

turning "no-no-no" into "mm-mm-mm" since 1942.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pycy9/duct_tape/
%
Donald Trump walks into a bar

and promptly lowers it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pybbn/donald_trump_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the fly that entered a cow's ear and ended up in milk pail the next morning?

It went into one ear and out the udder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pya1b/did_you_hear_about_the_fly_that_entered_a_cows/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickalottapuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7py8ep/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
I’m deathly afraid of speed bumps

but I’m slowly getting over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7py7k3/im_deathly_afraid_of_speed_bumps/
%
What do you call a body that’s been buried in the wrong tomb?

A grave mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7py71b/what_do_you_call_a_body_thats_been_buried_in_the/
%
You can never get an appointment at a library

They are always fully booked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7py6t0/you_can_never_get_an_appointment_at_a_library/
%
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7py3u2/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
[washing hands after delivering a baby]

That thing really didn't want to fit in the mail box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7py3lf/washing_hands_after_delivering_a_baby/
%
A guy and his pet octopus walk into a bar...

Once inside the guy proclaims that his pet octopus can play ANY instrument to perfection and begins taking $100 bets. The first patron approaches with a guitar. "Let's see him play this!" The octopus grabs the guitar and starts jamming out like Jimi Hendrix. Another patron approaches with a trumpet. "How about this one!?" he exclaims. The octopus takes the trumpet and throws down on it better than Louis Armstrong. Several other instruments are brought forward and the octopus plays them all. Toward the end of the night after taking over $1000, the guy asks if there are any other takers. After a long silence, a Scottish man speaks up and approaches the octopus. "How about ye takin a try at me bagpipes" he says, handing them over. The octopus takes the bagpipes and stares blankly for a few seconds. He then starts turning them over and over in his tentacles. After several minutes of this, his partner finally asks him "hey man, what is the deal?? are you going to play it or not???"
To which the octopus replies: "Play it?!?! I'm trying to get its jammies off so I can FUCK IT!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7py28n/a_guy_and_his_pet_octopus_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Where do people go when they die?

Logan Paul Vlogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7py089/where_do_people_go_when_they_die/
%
When she told me I was the most talented, funniest, handsomest man she ever met

I knew this chick was nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pxxo1/when_she_told_me_i_was_the_most_talented_funniest/
%
I've said it before, and I'll say it again...

...I've said it before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pxwkf/ive_said_it_before_and_ill_say_it_again/
%
The bench

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pxvk7/the_bench/
%
A sad guy walks into a bar and asks for a whole bottle of vodka

The bartender sits the bottle in front of him and asks "oh boy, you look like shit, what happened?". The man answers "I just found out my brother is gay".
The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar and asks for two bottles of vodka. The bartender asks "ok, what happened this time?", to which the man answers "Today my son confessed to be gay!"
The next day, once again the same guy walks into the bar and orders three bottles of vodka. "Dude, is there anyone in your family that likes women?", asks the bartender. "Yes", answer the man, "my wife".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pxtwy/a_sad_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_whole/
%
I named my dog Syndrome..

So when he's Misbehaving I yell "Down Syndrome"
^^^Stolen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pxtw5/i_named_my_dog_syndrome/
%
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hang on to your nuts, this ain’t no regular blow job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pxs39/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_tree/
%
As someone residing in a #shithole country

i really wish i could move just to the north... canada

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pxryr/as_someone_residing_in_a_shithole_country/
%
I saw 2 guys with matching clothes and asked them if they are gay...

They promptly arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pxpl9/i_saw_2_guys_with_matching_clothes_and_asked_them/
%
There are two fish in a tank. One says to the other...

How do you drive this thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pxm5w/there_are_two_fish_in_a_tank_one_says_to_the_other/
%
Nothing is funnier than watching newscasters try to avoid saying sh*t hole

By saying as*hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pxkwe/nothing_is_funnier_than_watching_newscasters_try/
%
I called my friend and said "hey I have a joke for you.."

Friend :"ok, shoot."
Me: " what has a tiny penis, and hangs down?"
Friend: " I dunno, what?"
Me: " A bat... now, what has an enormous penis and hangs up?"
Friend" I dunno what?"
*click*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pxh7o/i_called_my_friend_and_said_hey_i_have_a_joke_for/
%
Two friends were climbing a mountain

When suddenly one of them took a false step and fell from the top, disappearing from the other's sight.
As they were equipped with radio equipment, the other tried to contact him immediately with his, "Well, well, are you okay?"
"I'm fine!"
The friend sighed in relief, and kept asking, "Do you have a fracture?"
"No, none!"
"Then go back up and I'll wait for you here."
"Sure, as soon as I get to the bottooooooom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pxf24/two_friends_were_climbing_a_mountain/
%
Girls are so amazing.

They can forgive you. Even if you're innocent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pxeyx/girls_are_so_amazing/
%
What does the charity run by cats do with their donations?

Help out the kneady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pxb4i/what_does_the_charity_run_by_cats_do_with_their/
%
I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7px70b/ive_been_fired_from_work_for_putting_in_too_many/
%
When it comes to abortion

there are many misconceptions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7px5nt/when_it_comes_to_abortion/
%
I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

Seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7px3lm/i_can_count_on_one_hand_how_many_times_i_have/
%
At first I didn't think I needed my History course on Columbus's ships bringing harmful insects to America.

But it ended up being an import ant class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pwyyq/at_first_i_didnt_think_i_needed_my_history_course/
%
A man showed up at work Monday morning with a black eye and a bandage on his head...

His coworkers asked what happened and he told them he had a golf injury. They couldn't understand how such a thing could happen playing golf.
"Well," he explained, "I shot off the 5th tee and hooked it right into the rough, where the ball then wound up in a pasture. I was walking all around searching for a ball and noticed a woman doing the same thing; apparently she lost her ball as well."
"I finally came across a cow in the pasture and wouldn't you know it, there was a golf ball stuck right in its ass. I could see the brand and as mine was a titleist and this was a pinnacle, I figured the ball belonged to the woman."
So I picked up the cow's tail and asked the lady, "Does this look like yours? She then took her damn 3 wood and hit me right upside the head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pwxpo/a_man_showed_up_at_work_monday_morning_with_a/
%
10 Dollars

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pwulb/10_dollars/
%
You ever get laid in a sleeping bag?

It's awful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat and your scout master is covering your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pwtmq/you_ever_get_laid_in_a_sleeping_bag/
%
Why does Santa come down the chimney?

Mrs. clause told him he’d never be allowed to come in the back Door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pwnwu/why_does_santa_come_down_the_chimney/
%
I did an essay on The Room.

For school, I had to write an essay based on a film, so I decided to do it on "The Room". I think I did well, because I got a hi mark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pwn3n/i_did_an_essay_on_the_room/
%
When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pwlw2/when_you_say_poop_your_mouth_moves_the_same_way/
%
What do female reindeer do for fun?

Go into town and blow a couple hundred bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pwiwg/what_do_female_reindeer_do_for_fun/
%
What is a marathon runner doing when he starts a marathon in Russia that ends in Finland?

Russian to Finnish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pwi3l/what_is_a_marathon_runner_doing_when_he_starts_a/
%
A man walks in for an interview

Interviewer: forget everything you learned in college. You won't be needing any of that here.
Man: good that I didn't go to college then.
Interviewer: sorry we can't hire you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pwfl2/a_man_walks_in_for_an_interview/
%
q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground beef.
Q: What do you call a cow with three legs?
A: Lean beef.
Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pwf88/q_what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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If you have a green ball in your right hand, and a green ball in your left

Then you have Kermit the Frog's undivided attention

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pwehs/if_you_have_a_green_ball_in_your_right_hand_and_a/
%
If laughter is the best medicine,

Then, clearly I can't be a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pwd87/if_laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
%
What happens when you mace a German?

They can Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pwbg0/what_happens_when_you_mace_a_german/
%
Why did you go to Egypt for honeymoon?

To make the wife a mummy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pvuq3/why_did_you_go_to_egypt_for_honeymoon/
%
President Trump has declared Palestine "not a Shithole Nation".

"It's a Shithole Territory"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pvskw/president_trump_has_declared_palestine_not_a/
%
What do Alabama folks and children celebrating Halloween have in common?

They both wanna pump kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pvsf8/what_do_alabama_folks_and_children_celebrating/
%
Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pvs3x/why_can_a_teacher_donate_her_adultsized_kidney_to/
%
What do you call a sugar daddy with HIV?

Financial AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pvqwm/what_do_you_call_a_sugar_daddy_with_hiv/
%
I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pvovx/i_was_walking_past_a_homeless_man_when_he_yelled/
%
When people lose one sense, other senses usually get enhanced.

That is why individuals with no sense of Humor
have increased sense of self-importance and narcissism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pvmds/when_people_lose_one_sense_other_senses_usually/
%
Trump cancelled his trip to Britain because he doesn’t want to go anywhere he doesn’t feel welcome...

So what’s he still doing in the white house?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pvjb0/trump_cancelled_his_trip_to_britain_because_he/
%
The other day, I went to look at a house with period features...

My wife hates that nickname.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pvgrl/the_other_day_i_went_to_look_at_a_house_with/
%
I was mis-sold a house.

The wife was so upset she didn't even let me keep the saddle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pvadx/i_was_missold_a_house/
%
Environment my ass

A small ATM room having two ACs and 4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pv8dx/environment_my_ass/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who read binary and those who don’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pv67y/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
What do you call a spy that sell apples?

An in cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pv5t6/what_do_you_call_a_spy_that_sell_apples/
%
Why was the teacher cross eyed?

She couldn’t control her pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pv1rb/why_was_the_teacher_cross_eyed/
%
Don't ask me!

A tourist visiting Seattle is sick of rain and asks a boy - Does it ever stop raining here?
Boy - How do I know? I am only eight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pv1a9/dont_ask_me/
%
So I proposed a new bill to my congressman that would deport 1,000,000 Mexicans and 1 chicken

When he asked about the chicken I said "See no one cares about the Mexicans"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pv0hx/so_i_proposed_a_new_bill_to_my_congressman_that/
%
Out of paper

A man took a crap in a gas station and then realized there was no toilet paper.   There was a hole in the wall and a sign above it that read: "When you go to the bathroom, wipe yourself with your index finger, stick it through this hole and it will be thoroughly cleaned."  The man did exactly what the sign said, but when he stuck his finger through the hole, someone at the other side slapped two bricks together against his finger and because of the pain he stuck his finger in his mouth and started to suck on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7puym1/out_of_paper/
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Cats

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pup15/cats/
%
A woman from New York...

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona, when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out A "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7puoe4/a_woman_from_new_york/
%
There's a joke working its way around the White House recently...

...It eats cheeseburgers in bed and wants to build a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pumiy/theres_a_joke_working_its_way_around_the_white/
%
What do you call a nudist beech in Alaska?

Frosted tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pul2o/what_do_you_call_a_nudist_beech_in_alaska/
%
I got a letter from my Homeowners Associations too

It just said "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw orgies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7puk7x/i_got_a_letter_from_my_homeowners_associations_too/
%
What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Lukewarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7puhhx/whats_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
%
Why were Apple employees always happy?

Because they had Jobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pugim/why_were_apple_employees_always_happy/
%
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris. But it turns out that idea was taken.

Then I had another idea where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was Taken 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pueag/i_had_an_idea_for_a_movie_plot_where_a_retired/
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Aakashvaani

Pandavas and Kauravas learnt the art of warfare from their teacher Dronacharya.
One fine day, Dronacharya was teaching Arjuna (3rd oldest among Pandavas) the art of Archery.
He said in a heavy voice, "Arjuna, there's a parrot. You need to concentrate and hit his right eye."
Arjuna tries and shoots the arrow, but misses the parrot.
"Fuck I missed it." he goes.
Dronacharya gets a little startled, eyes Arjuna in angst and mutters, "Arjuna, you come from a family of Royals. These kind of words dont suit you. Now, I know you missed, but if you concentrate hard enough, I am sure you'll hit the parrot's eye. So, try again."
Arjuna tries again, misses again.
"Fucking hell missed that fucker again."
Dronacharya gets furious. His eyes turn red from anger, and he screams, "Arjuna, if you say these words one more time, there'll come a storm, the God himself will speak (aakaashvaani) the lightnings will strike the very ground around you and one of them will hit your anus."
Arjuna gets scared looking at Dronacharya. Pretty tensed, with shaking hands, he picks up his Gaandiv (Bow), and shoots another arrow.
Expectedly, the arrow misses. Arjuna can't help it and again goes "This fucker can't be hit. What a fucking disaster!"
And just that very moment, there is a thunder, rumble of lightning, The aakashvaani happens, and the lightning starts to strike around, but instead of Arjun's anus, it hits Dronacharya's anus.
The aakashvaani goes: "Fuck, I missed it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pua8x/aakashvaani/
%
What do you call gay murder?

Homocide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pu9u9/what_do_you_call_gay_murder/
%
The early bird gets the worm...

but the late worm evades the bird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pu8x1/the_early_bird_gets_the_worm/
%
50% of Chinese people have cataracts.

The other 50% drive a rincoln.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pu6s6/50_of_chinese_people_have_cataracts/
%
What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pu3ih/what_is_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a/
%
[NSFW] [OFFENSIVE] A Chinese man walks into a bar...

He is native from China and has a heavy accent.
The bar seems to be getting to wrap up. No one is there but Tom the bartender, and he is wiping stuff down.
Tom is well loved by his patrons for helping them out in a pinch. Despite it being close to clocking out... he will gladly let anyone grab a last minute drink and stick around.
He was also known for being a key member of the civil rights movement in his state along with his other black brothers. He rightfully took pride in his black heritage.
The Chinese man approaches, sits on a stool, and says
"Hey niggah, get mee uh jiggah"
You can imagine how taken aback Tom was. "Hey man, you can't talk like that. This is 2018 and things are different. You don't understand the power that word has when used by someone who isn't black. This is my establishment. How would you feel if someone arrived at your place of work... and was grossly racially insensitive to you being asian?"
"Okay." the Chinese man replied.
"Yeah? Fine... we'll see how you like it. Lets pretend this is your bar. Ill go outside and come back in pretending to be YOUR customer." Tom proposed.
"Okay." The Chinese man replied... He got up and went behind the bar and started wiping it down while Tom exited.
Tom waits 10 seconds, and then reenters. He sits at the bar and says:
"Hey CHINK, GET ME A DRINK"
The Chinese man stops wiping, and slowly looks up at Tom...
"Oh sorry...
we don't serve niggah."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ptz62/nsfw_offensive_a_chinese_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What’s Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable?

Barack-oli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ptxxi/whats_michelle_obamas_favorite_vegetable/
%
I ran into my ex-girlfriend the other day...

...then I backed up and ran into her again.
I miss her sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pthnx/i_ran_into_my_exgirlfriend_the_other_day/
%
Guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and the bartender asks, “What can I get you sir?”
Man says, “White wine”.
Everyone in the bar overheard and gives him a stern look, bartender then proceeds to ask, “You’re not from around here are ya?”
Man: Nope from Massachusetts’s
Bartender: Well what do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a Taxidermist
Bartender is confused and proceeds to ask what it is he does.
Man: I mount animals for a living!
Bartender yells out to the bar, “Don’t worry boys he’s one of us!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pthih/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two bananas are hanging out by a river...

When a turd comes back-stroking down the river.  He looks over at the bananas and says, "hey guys, hop in the water is fine!" So one banana asks the other banana, "do you believe that shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ptf2t/two_bananas_are_hanging_out_by_a_river/
%
I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ptdps/i_finally_realized_my_parents_favored_my_twin/
%
I think I drink too much.

The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ptbyx/i_think_i_drink_too_much/
%
When the fly drops 3 inches

There's a fly flying above a lake and a fish is watching the fly. The fish thinks "if the fly drops 3 inches i can jump out of the water and eat the fly. A bear is watching the fish and thinks if the fish jumps out of the water i can get the fish. Now, a hunter is watching the bear thinking that if the bear goes for the fish then he can shoot the bear. A mouse who the hunter cannot see thinks that if the hunter shoots the bear then he can steal the hunter's cheese. A cat watches the mouse and thinks that if the mouse gets the cheese then he could eat the mouse. So the fly drops 3 inches, the fish eats the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse steals the cheese. The cat tries to get the mouse but misses and falls in the lake. So the moral of the story is when the fly drops 3 inches, the p*ssy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ptboi/when_the_fly_drops_3_inches/
%
My friend was on a game show...

He was doing pretty well on it. Until he needed a lifeline.
I was surprised when he called me.
Like i was talking to him as i saw him on the tv. so bizarre.
I didnt even need to hear his reply over the phone because i heard it on the show.
So he askes me the question. and i gave him the right answer!
He won quite a bit of money. I asked him if he could give me a portion since i helped him out (10%) and i was currently struggling.
He said he felt it wasnt necessary, and that he was going to pick the same answer anyway.
After that we started to grow apart. I actually turned things around for myself and gained wealth. he went into a downward spiral (sex, drugs rocknroll)
He eventually tried to reach out to me. i went over and saw his state of decay. He asked me for help.
I told him i could get him to a clinic. he said that wasnt the problem.
I told him i could get him a therapist. he said that wouldnt help either. what he wanted was some money.
We'll naturally this irked me quite a bit, and he was asking for more than the 10% i had asked.
"how can you expect that from me, after refusing to help me in my time of need, when i helped you get that money which you blew away... while i actually worked hard to make a name for myself, and build my empire?" i said.
He said because all the money went to me anyway.
"how do you mean?"
he reminded me that i was his coke dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pt9of/my_friend_was_on_a_game_show/
%
I went through a grueling and expensive procedure yesterday, having my spine and BOTH testicles removed

Still, the wedding presents were amazing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pt8cs/i_went_through_a_grueling_and_expensive_procedure/
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An acquaintance of mine just got his medical license revoked because he had sexual relations with one of his patients.

It's a shame, he was the best veterinarian in the city.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pt6w7/an_acquaintance_of_mine_just_got_his_medical/
%
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pszz0/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
What fruit has to get married with family and friends present?

Cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7psv9h/what_fruit_has_to_get_married_with_family_and/
%
What rock group has four men that can't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pstwj/what_rock_group_has_four_men_that_cant_sing/
%
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert

after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. ”
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon …. Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
“Pepe… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis MI amigo… What ees it? ”
“Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees a ham bush
(Not sure if this is a repost, my cousin sent me this one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pstmz/two_mexicans_are_stuck_in_the_desert/
%
I used to sit in front of the trombones in band

I would keep both my sheet music, as well as theirs, so I knew when to duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7psq5q/i_used_to_sit_in_front_of_the_trombones_in_band/
%
Where did the car go to college?

Tulane University

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7psp5i/where_did_the_car_go_to_college/
%
What do you call short people on a merry-go-round?

A midget spinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7psj9l/what_do_you_call_short_people_on_a_merrygoround/
%
A friend of mine has a trophy wife...

But apparently she wasn't 1st place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7psiva/a_friend_of_mine_has_a_trophy_wife/
%
A math teacher asks a kindergartener: "Tommy, if you have a nickel in one pocket, and a quarter in the other, what do you have?"

"someone else's pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7psco3/a_math_teacher_asks_a_kindergartener_tommy_if_you/
%
free sex tonight

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7psb8q/free_sex_tonight/
%
How do you keep a rhino from charging

Take away his credit card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ps8uh/how_do_you_keep_a_rhino_from_charging/
%
There was a Woman with 100 children...

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ps43r/there_was_a_woman_with_100_children/
%
Dad jokes are like masturbation

You enjoy them a lot more than anyone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ps40t/dad_jokes_are_like_masturbation/
%
A proud new father sits down with his father to have a drink...

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you don´t mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father wiping away a prideful tear. "I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pry2p/a_proud_new_father_sits_down_with_his_father_to/
%
I asked my wife for anal..

Fuck that shit she said... "Thats the spirit" I said!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7prt6k/i_asked_my_wife_for_anal/
%
Did you know that penguins scream during sex?

Well, I don’t think all of them do, but the ones I cornered at the zoo sure did...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7prpsy/did_you_know_that_penguins_scream_during_sex/
%
You hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7prpiv/you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
Stalin should have known that Communism wouldn't work.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7prnv1/stalin_should_have_known_that_communism_wouldnt/
%
Sherlock had a lemon, and Watson asked him where it came from. Sherlock said...

A lemon tree, my dear Watson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7prlm9/sherlock_had_a_lemon_and_watson_asked_him_where/
%
Why was the Jamaican footballer sad?

He was kicked off his team's rasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7prk7s/why_was_the_jamaican_footballer_sad/
%
My math teacher said I was “average”

How mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7prijg/my_math_teacher_said_i_was_average/
%
What did the color blind psychic say?

Q: What did the color blind psychic say?
A: I cannot see the fuchsia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pridw/what_did_the_color_blind_psychic_say/
%
I asked my father, does Sean Connery like herbs?

He replied, " Yes, but only partially..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7prgb3/i_asked_my_father_does_sean_connery_like_herbs/
%
I don't usually lay down

I'm not gonna lie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7prd2q/i_dont_usually_lay_down/
%
James Franco responds to claims of sexual misconduct.

“I did not touch them! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not touch them! I did naaaht.
Oh hi Mark.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7prb9g/james_franco_responds_to_claims_of_sexual/
%
Alabama.

Where Ancestry and eHarmony are the same website.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pr1zu/alabama/
%
Do you guys know how to avoid clickbait?

I guess not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pr0t3/do_you_guys_know_how_to_avoid_clickbait/
%
One thing great about my ex-girlfriend is she never laughed at me for my small penis.

I respect that and never laughed at hers either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pr031/one_thing_great_about_my_exgirlfriend_is_she/
%
How do you hide a cow?

You Cow-Moo-flage it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqyos/how_do_you_hide_a_cow/
%
What is the ultimate rejection?

When you’re having a wank and your hand falls asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqydc/what_is_the_ultimate_rejection/
%
For ghosts it must be hard to live...

They're always going through a lot of things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqycv/for_ghosts_it_must_be_hard_to_live/
%
I was teased about my cock size every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro-soft, and pickled pecker.
9 year old girls sure can make a teacher feel bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqv1u/i_was_teased_about_my_cock_size_every_day_of/
%
A man in the supermarket reminded me of Michael Jackson today.

He said, "Don't forget about Michael Jackson".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqukb/a_man_in_the_supermarket_reminded_me_of_michael/
%
I hope to die in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqu5x/i_hope_to_die_in_my_sleep_like_my_grandfather/
%
An elderly woman bought a parrot.

She asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot and the next week put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment!
The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.
The owner offered the following solution, "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 times and return him to your shoulder."
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, "Its goddamned cold in here!"
Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 times and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Fuckin' windy, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqsih/an_elderly_woman_bought_a_parrot/
%
A very rich man and his wife are lying in bed

The wife leans over and whispers something in his ear.
His eyes light up, "really??" He says. "Yup! Right now." She says.
He says "I'll be right back!" He jumps up and runs over to the wall and punches some buttons on the wall while his wife undresses.
He turns the lights low, and they have sex in every position imaginable. They both have multiple orgasms.
When they finish, he turns the lights back on to full, and his wife sees something that shocks her and she shrieks.
Along the wall are about a dozen of their house servants. Young women with disturbed looks on their faces, having just witnessed them having sex.
She says, "You sick fuck! I said 'let's do it while the maids are *washing*!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqrwq/a_very_rich_man_and_his_wife_are_lying_in_bed/
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I am not racist

I dont care if you are black, yellow or normal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqqy6/i_am_not_racist/
%
A guy's boss who is traveling calls him and asks, "Is everything okay at the office?"

"Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Of course, what is it?"
"Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqq7i/a_guys_boss_who_is_traveling_calls_him_and_asks/
%
A blonde gets pulled over...

By a blonde police officer.
"Sorry but you're speeding so I'll need license and registration"
The blonde in the car starts looking through her purse. "I can't find my license, what does it look like?"
"It's a small little rectangle with your face on it" the officer replies.
The blonde find a mirror and looks at it. "Found it! A little rectangle with my face!" And hands it to the officer.
Stunned the blonde officer stares at the mirror in her hand. "Why didn't you just tell me you're also an officer? Don't worry about the ticket, officers stick together."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqpmm/a_blonde_gets_pulled_over/
%
A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Sure," the young executive says.
He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqoll/a_young_executive_is_leaving_the_office_late_one/
%
This old, retired couple went to see the doctor regarding sexual problems.

he old man said, "We want to know if we're making love properly. Will you look at us and tell us if we're doing it right?"
"Sure, go ahead," said the doctor.
So the old couple made passionate love and afterwards the doctor said, "You're making love perfectly. That will be $10."
A week later the old couple came back and did the same thing. This went on for 6 more weeks.
On the seventh visit the doctor finally asked them, "Why do you keep coming here like this? I told you the first time that you're making love properly!"
The old man explained, "She can't come to my house, and I can't go to her house. A motel costs $20. You charge us $10 and we get $8 back from Medicare."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqn5h/this_old_retired_couple_went_to_see_the_doctor/
%
My grandfather told me that there are two important things in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqftw/my_grandfather_told_me_that_there_are_two/
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Court Custody

A six-year-old boy was at the center of an NYC courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him just like his parents and he refused to live with her. Then the judge suggested he live with his grandparents; the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
Now learning that violence was apparently a way of life for the family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After conferring with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns whom the boy firmly believed were incapable of beating anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqc7z/court_custody/
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What is Cardi B's athletic sister's name?

Cardi O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pqc6n/what_is_cardi_bs_athletic_sisters_name/
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You know you're old when...

...your wife says, "Honey, let's run upstairs and make love" and your answer is, "I cannot do both."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pq8wu/you_know_youre_old_when/
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana, and he sees a sign...

...in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pq8nm/a_guy_is_driving_around_the_back_woods_of_montana/
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My company has a weekly joke and after four years I'm quite sick of it.

They call it a "paycheck" when it's barely an allowance!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pq673/my_company_has_a_weekly_joke_and_after_four_years/
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Your duck is dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ppvow/your_duck_is_dead/
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A sword master was administering his final test to his students.

He called forth his first student and released a fly. The student swung his sword and the fly fell in half, split down the middle.
He called forth the second student and release a fly. The student slashed his sword and the fly fell apart, split top and bottom.
He called forth his final student and released a fly. The student swiped twice and the fly staggered briefly before carrying on.
The sword master approached the student and said, “The fly is still alive.”
The student nodded and replied, “Yes. But now it will never have children.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ppvjc/a_sword_master_was_administering_his_final_test/
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A crossfit enthused, bitcoin investing vegan walks into a bar...

Oh, they already told you about it too?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ppsr7/a_crossfit_enthused_bitcoin_investing_vegan_walks/
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What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?

"Ouch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ppnfi/what_sound_do_porcupines_make_when_they_kiss/
%
Men are like chocolate

They're sweet and smooth but immediately go to your hips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ppjs0/men_are_like_chocolate/
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Backwards, it was.

Yoda tried telling a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ppgyq/backwards_it_was/
%
What do reused jokes and your girlfriend have in common?

You hear them coming a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pp9r3/what_do_reused_jokes_and_your_girlfriend_have_in/
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What do you call someone who gets their driver's licence as soon as they can?

Someone who's driven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pp92y/what_do_you_call_someone_who_gets_their_drivers/
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An old cowboy walks into a bar

He's wearing a sun-tanned hat, a weathered and dusty leather jacket, and boots with spurs. He has a sheathed knife on his left hip, and on his right a holstered revolver.
A beautiful young woman comes up to him and asks, "Excuse me sir, I'm sure you get this a lot, but are you really a cowboy?"
"Well, miss, I'd like to think I am," he says. "When I wake up in the morning, I'm thinking about my cattle. When I'm eating my breakfast and listening to the radio, I'm thinking about my cattle, and when I hit the sack at night, I dream about my cattle. I reckon that makes me as real as a cowboy can be."
"What about you, ma'am?" he continues. "What do you do for a living?"
"Well," she says, "believe it or not, I'm a lesbian pornstar."
"No shit!" he says. "And are you a real lesbian?"
"Well you tell me," she says. "When I wake up in the morning, I'm thinking about women. When I eat my breakfast and watch the news, I'm thinking about women, and when I go to sleep, I spend all night dreaming about women. I'd say that makes me as real as a lesbian can be!"
They have a friendly drink together and eventually she leaves. A few minutes later, a young couple come up to him, and the man asks, "Excuse me, sir, I'm sure you get this all the time, but are you really cowboy?"
"Well," the cowboy says with a little sigh, "I'd always thought I was, but I just found out I'm actually a lesbian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pp78n/an_old_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Don't be racist

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pp6ld/dont_be_racist/
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A cat and a mouse go to heaven

A cat and a mouse got to heaven, after a bit God goes to the mouse and asks "how do you like it up here?" The mouse replies "it's fine but I have a hard time getting around", God then snaps his fingers and gives the mouse a pair a wheels to roll around on. A little later God then goes to the cat and asks "how do you like it up here?" The cat replies "Oh I love it! I never had meals on wheels like this before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pp65g/a_cat_and_a_mouse_go_to_heaven/
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A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.

His condition is now stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pp3jr/a_guy_was_admitted_to_hospital_with_8_plastic/
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A boy brought his new book to show his friend....

He boasts to his friend: "The author must have been very thorough when he wrote this book, he took 10 years to write it!"
"That's nothing", the friend replies, "have you heard of the man who was sent to prison and took 20 years to finish a sentence?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pp3i7/a_boy_brought_his_new_book_to_show_his_friend/
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A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pp3di/a_patient_bursts_into_a_doctors_office_doctor_i/
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My ex-wife still misses me.

But her aim is steadily improving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pp31s/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
%
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.

After that, he went down hill fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pp2v8/about_a_month_before_he_died_my_uncle_had_his/
%
Why do riot police like to get up early?

To beat the crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pp0pt/why_do_riot_police_like_to_get_up_early/
%
What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

You can't cross a scalar with a vector.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7povke/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_mountain_climber/
%
7 days without beer...

makes 1 weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pos6z/7_days_without_beer/
%
When I was in the army, I broke my rifle and had to pay 600$.

I guess that’s why the captain always goes down with the ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7popxr/when_i_was_in_the_army_i_broke_my_rifle_and_had/
%
Man and his Duck

A man comes home from the pub drunk & with a Duck under his arm. he declares "This is the pig I've been shagging"
His wife stops him & says... That's a Duck!
He replies... I was talking to the Duck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pokp4/man_and_his_duck/
%
A trucker goes to a whorehouse.

A trucker walks into a whorehouse and hands a thousand dollars to the madam and says, "I want the worst piece of ass you have.".
"For a thousand dollars a horny, man like you could have the best." The madam replies.
"I'm not horny," he says, "I'm homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pokl1/a_trucker_goes_to_a_whorehouse/
%
My wife and I had a day at the zoo. It was going pleasantly until my wife had to lunge at me and scurry me out of the chimpanzee area under a flurry of flying poop

She gave me a the dirtiest look when I told her, "they started it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pojro/my_wife_and_i_had_a_day_at_the_zoo_it_was_going/
%
Someone stole my winter hat...

I guess they just toque it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pofsb/someone_stole_my_winter_hat/
%
Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs

One says to the other, "I left my panties at the police station." The other says, "Let the dog have a whiff of your cunt and he'll go and fetch them."
Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector's fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pof2i/two_female_police_dog_handlers_are_walking_their/
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An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's

American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".
Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pockj/an_american_and_a_russian_were_discussing_their/
%
I almost had a threesome last night.

All i needed was two more people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7poccx/i_almost_had_a_threesome_last_night/
%
I was hanging out at the local pool

Then someone told me and I tucked it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7poag6/i_was_hanging_out_at_the_local_pool/
%
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes?

He won the NoBell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7po9wu/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_invented_knock/
%
What did one nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7po9t8/what_did_one_nut_say_when_it_was_chasing_the/
%
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven

He gets to the gate and sees Saint Pete. No fair the lawyer says, I am only 45.
Saint Pete says no, we got a new system. We do it by billable hours, our system says you are 135

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7po19e/a_lawyer_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
I bought a watch that tells me how many kilometres I’ve done in a day

Clearly the watch must be broken though because it said I did 23km last night but I was just in bed watching porn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pnu4g/i_bought_a_watch_that_tells_me_how_many/
%
Martinis are like tits...

Ones not enough and threes too many
(my grandpa's favorite joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pnr5d/martinis_are_like_tits/
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Why were there only 7,500 Mexican's at the Alamo?

They only had four trucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pnpqk/why_were_there_only_7500_mexicans_at_the_alamo/
%
When my car’s wheel had a blowout...

... I knew it was time to retire it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pnojk/when_my_cars_wheel_had_a_blowout/
%
What do you call an Italian sex kink?

*FETISHINNI*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pnnih/what_do_you_call_an_italian_sex_kink/
%
Patient: *waiting for the doctor*

Patient: waiting for the doctor
Doctor: Sorry to keep you waiting.
Patient: Its okay, I am patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pnm5t/patient_waiting_for_the_doctor/
%
My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pnitv/my_wife_asked_for_something_shiny_that_goes_from/
%
People who confuse their/there/they're are dumb.

They seriously can't put two and to toogether.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pnhw1/people_who_confuse_theirtheretheyre_are_dumb/
%
I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar...

Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pndg4/i_fell_asleep_with_my_iphone_under_my_pillow_last/
%
I heard a rumor about the fertilizer industry.

Apparently, it's a very shitty buisness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pnb7w/i_heard_a_rumor_about_the_fertilizer_industry/
%
I had to explain to my son that masturbation is perfectly normal...

...And that he needs to learn to knock when my door is closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pn68y/i_had_to_explain_to_my_son_that_masturbation_is/
%
A physicist, a chemist and a statistician walk into an office...

...to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"
The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!"
Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Getting a proper sample size!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pmz5s/a_physicist_a_chemist_and_a_statistician_walk/
%
Fisherman caught the golden shark

*Please let me go and I`ll have you one wish come true*, said the shark.
*I want my dick to be so long that it reaches the ground*, answered the fisherman.
*Ok*, said the shark and bit his legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pmsvg/fisherman_caught_the_golden_shark/
%
I'm trying to get in touch with my old judo instructor.

He is a hard man to pin down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pms4w/im_trying_to_get_in_touch_with_my_old_judo/
%
Did you hear about the communist couple that went to a fertility clinic?

They wanted to seize the means of reproduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pmqed/did_you_hear_about_the_communist_couple_that_went/
%
Your mom is so ugly..

Her blowjob counts as anal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pmovl/your_mom_is_so_ugly/
%
there’s a new antidepressant made only for lesbians...

it’s called Trycoxagain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pmlao/theres_a_new_antidepressant_made_only_for_lesbians/
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When it's my time to go, I want to go in my sleep, like my grandpa did.

Not screaming and crying like the other people in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pmii0/when_its_my_time_to_go_i_want_to_go_in_my_sleep/
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What does trump have in common with Abraham Lincoln?

Nothing, yet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pmh5k/what_does_trump_have_in_common_with_abraham/
%
What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.
Bonus: by u/kismetpink They’re straight until I get them wet
Bonus by u/Shaded_Trees: They both go limp after being warmed up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pmgf1/what_do_girls_and_noodles_have_in_common/
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How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?

**YOU WOULDN'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pmgdr/how_many_vietnam_veterans_does_it_take_to_change/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pm54j/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
If Bigamy is having one wife too many, what is Monogamy?

The same thing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pm1m1/if_bigamy_is_having_one_wife_too_many_what_is/
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What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pm0zl/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_and_finding/
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A brunette, redhead, and blonde got sentenced to execution in front of a firing squad.

The brunette was dragged, kicking and screaming, to the wall and blindfolded. In desperation, she screamed "TORNADO!". The soldiers, caught by surprise, dropped their guns and covered their heads. The brunette tore off her blindfold and bolted to freedom out of the encampment.
By and by, the commander brought the troops back to order, and had the redhead brought before the firing squad. The redhead had observed the brunette's strategy, and being no fool yelled "FLOOD!" at the precise moment the soldiers were ordered to take aim. In the ensuing confusion, the redhead made her escape by vaulting over the encampment wall.
Frustrated, the commander sternly admonished his troops to keep their heads, and ordered the blonde to be brought before them. The blonde had observed her comrades' clever ruses, and, in an attempt to emulate them, at just the right moment, yelled "EARTHQUAKE!", and totally ruined the joke.
Pff. Blondes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pm0wg/a_brunette_redhead_and_blonde_got_sentenced_to/
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So my German neighbour got a Samoyed...

...and she asked me for suggestions about what she should name him. I suggested her the name "Cloud".
Now everytime that dog does something ridiculous I hear a high pitched yell : "Cloud Nein!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pm07d/so_my_german_neighbour_got_a_samoyed/
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A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it’s raining," says the man.
"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7plzpt/a_couple_is_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
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A blind man walks into a bar...

And a chair. And a table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7plz61/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After 5 years your job still sucks
Bonus by u/lucth At my job, I can park in the rear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7plz0a/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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I was taking care of my friend's snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died...

I asked my wife, "What should I tell him?"
She said, "Just give it to him straight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7plwz9/i_was_taking_care_of_my_friends_snake_while_he/
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My wife says I never pay any attention to her.

I think that's what she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7plv0d/my_wife_says_i_never_pay_any_attention_to_her/
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I was called a racist for saying "black paint".

Apparently the proper phrasing is "Tyrone, could you please add another coat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pltic/i_was_called_a_racist_for_saying_black_paint/
%
Why are airbags so expensive?

Because of inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7plstt/why_are_airbags_so_expensive/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7plsq7/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
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(Clean) A group of nuns wanted to make a little money on the side...

They were quite good at woodworking and wanted to make something that the local kids would enjoy so they decided to start up a company that makes yo-yos. Pretty soon making the yo-yos and fulfilling the orders started to take up a good chunk of their time and it caught the attention of the Mother Superior.  She pulled them aside and asked what they’ve been working on so hard and they told her: “Nun Yo-yo Buisiness”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pllnx/clean_a_group_of_nuns_wanted_to_make_a_little/
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"Hi, I'm Jane" she said. "I'm Christopher" I replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short". "How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You ask nicely" I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7plkg8/hi_im_jane_she_said_im_christopher_i_replied_but/
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Why was abolishing the one-child policy in China morally controversial?

It led to an increase of youth in Asia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7plinn/why_was_abolishing_the_onechild_policy_in_china/
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What do you call a lonely cheese?

Prov-alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7planz/what_do_you_call_a_lonely_cheese/
%
A man was cleaning his gun and his grandson asked if he could help

The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" " Well, no. " replied the grandson
The next day the grandfather was skinning a deer and his grandson asked if he could help. The grandfather asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" Once again the grandson said no.
The next day the young boy was helping his grandma bake cookies. The grandfather walks in and asks, "Boy, those smell good. Can I have a couple?" The grandson asked him the same question, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The grandfather said, " Why, yes it sure can. "
The grandson said, "Well, go fuck yourself, these are my cookies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pl84v/a_man_was_cleaning_his_gun_and_his_grandson_asked/
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pl71l/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_off_of_the_boat/
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Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pl6ez/dating_in_your_30s_is_like_looking_for_a_parking/
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Why is Legend of Zelda better than Star Wars?

It has triple the force.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pl5uo/why_is_legend_of_zelda_better_than_star_wars/
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A criminal talked down to me on an escalator today.

He was a condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pl4ps/a_criminal_talked_down_to_me_on_an_escalator_today/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pl4p3/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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If a person who stutters goes to prison

Do they finish their sentence?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pl3sl/if_a_person_who_stutters_goes_to_prison/
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What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pl2tt/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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I never forgot the last words grampa said to me

"Stop shaking the ladder you stupid cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkyo7/i_never_forgot_the_last_words_grampa_said_to_me/
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office....

....Suddenly, he feels somebody kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pktwr/a_lawyer_is_standing_in_a_long_line_at_the_box/
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What would you get if Canada had a kid with Mexico?

Juantario

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkqx6/what_would_you_get_if_canada_had_a_kid_with_mexico/
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What did the stewardess say when the vulture tried to board the plane with two dead raccoons?

"Sorry, only one carrion per passenger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkqvo/what_did_the_stewardess_say_when_the_vulture/
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My new sex robot works great

I can’t resistor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkpw1/my_new_sex_robot_works_great/
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How are marriages like tornadoes?

They begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you lose your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkpra/how_are_marriages_like_tornadoes/
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And the Lord said unto John: "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkmvt/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and/
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Why do people drive on the left in North Korea?

Because they have no rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkmh2/why_do_people_drive_on_the_left_in_north_korea/
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An elderly German man visits his priest for confession...

An elderly man in Germany walks into a confessional box after feeling the urge that he needed to confess.
Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. During the great war I hid a Jewish refugee in my attic.
Priest: Well, that's not a sin my son, but rather a heroic act of great compassion and daring.
Man: But I made him agree to pay me 20 marks for each week he stayed.
Priest: I must admit, that wasn't a great decision, but I am sure you did it for a good cause.
Man: God bless you father, that puts my mind to rest, just one more question however...
Priest: Yes my son?
Man: Do I have to tell him the war is over?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pklpt/an_elderly_german_man_visits_his_priest_for/
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Napoleon got shot right in the shin

It tore his bone apart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pklar/napoleon_got_shot_right_in_the_shin/
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I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week...

At the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkl9m/i_once_gave_my_husband_the_silent_treatment_for/
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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass.

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkjl0/i_was_sitting_at_a_bar_and_asked_the_bartender/
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What do you call a group of gay guys doing a drive-by?

A fruit-rollup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkixf/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_gay_guys_doing_a/
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My friend David lost his ID.

Now I just call him Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkeiq/my_friend_david_lost_his_id/
%
If shops sell things at 3.14 times their actual value

They are Pirates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkcmx/if_shops_sell_things_at_314_times_their_actual/
%
Thoughts after sex

Woman: The sex was good. We're laying next to each other. He's looking at the ceiling, thinking. I'm a bit worried. What's he thinking about? I'm sure it's about our relationship. He's frowning, but he doesn't say a thing, he's just starting up. He's probably calculating, thinking that we're in a relationship for a bit over two years now. He probably noticed that I've gained some weight. Ooh, he's pursing his lips now, he must've come to a decision. But he's silent, just starting at the ceiling with an angry expression on his face.
Man: That fly up there. It's crawling around. Why the hell doesn't it fall down!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkc0f/thoughts_after_sex/
%
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat.

A guys walk into a bar and takes a seat.  Before he can order a beer,  a bowl of pretzels on the counter speaks up,  " Hey,  you're a handsome fellow. " The man tries to ignore this and orders a Pilsner beer.  The bowl pretzels then says," Ooooooh a pilsner,  you must be a man of great taste. " Worried, the man calls the bartender and says, " This bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me." To this the bartender says, "Don't worry about the pretzels,  they're complimentary. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkbab/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat/
%
I am addicted to having money in the bank...

...I really do suffer from withdrawals. First I get the Bens, then my blood-pressure goes up by a quarter and if it's really bad I start having FDI-seizures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pkb35/i_am_addicted_to_having_money_in_the_bank/
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A warning

While in China, a New York businessman is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns, a couple of days later, and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.' The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongowyian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid Amerlican docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes!' says the Chinese doctor, 'Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pk32s/a_warning/
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Hey guys I'm hosting a charity event for people who have problems having orgasms during sex...

...So if you can't come let me know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pk0g8/hey_guys_im_hosting_a_charity_event_for_people/
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A man showed up for a duel with only a pencil and paper.

Then he drew his weapon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pk0du/a_man_showed_up_for_a_duel_with_only_a_pencil_and/
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Does anyone believe the bodybuilder who claims he never used protein suppliments?

No whey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pjvc4/does_anyone_believe_the_bodybuilder_who_claims_he/
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Bush, Clinton, Obama, and Trump decided to have a race.

Trump went first. He finished the race in 10 minutes and 30 seconds. Obama did a bit better. His time was 10 minutes and 14 seconds. Clinton came in at 9 minutes and 49 seconds. And Bush did 9:11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pjqya/bush_clinton_obama_and_trump_decided_to_have_a/
%
Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pjq0m/pretty_soon_the_only_place_you_will_be_able_to/
%
Have you ever been to an arctic graveyard?

It's chilling...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pjnrz/have_you_ever_been_to_an_arctic_graveyard/
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9year old + whorehouse + a dead frog.

A 9 year old walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a leash.
He walks up to the front counter and tells the woman he wants to fuck a whore.
The woman looks at him and says, "I think you're a little bit young for that."
So he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $100 bill and slaps it onto the counter. She thought to herself well money is money and told the kid to go down that hallway and find an open room.
He responded, "no I want to fuck a whore with herpes."
With a confused look on her face she responded, "well I don't think I can help you out with that."
He reached back into his pocket and slams down another hundred dollar bill. She looks at him and says reluctantly, "fine, down there the 2nd room on your right."
Right before he walks down the hallway with his dead frog on a leash, the woman stops him and says, "before you go, I have ask why why you want to fuck a whore with herpes?"
He responds, "because if I fuck a whore with herpes without protection I'll probably get herpes. I'll then go home fuck my babysitter, and I know my dad screws around with my babysitter because they're always gone for 2 hours after he takes her home. When my dad gets home, I know he will screw around with my mom upstairs. When the mailman comes the next day I know he will get herpes because he always screws around with my mom."
He then paused and said with a straight face, "That fuckin mailman deserves herpes after running over my pet frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pjji6/9year_old_whorehouse_a_dead_frog/
%
If EA made a console

It would be the paystation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pjiov/if_ea_made_a_console/
%
A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.
The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little worms inside of your stomach that are causing this. We will book you for a procedure tomorrow to have them removed”.
The worms overheard this conversation and freaked out!
The first worm says: “Y’all hear that? I’m going to hide behind the heart”
The second worm says: “Yeah, I’m gonna hide behind the liver”
The third worm says: “I don’t know about y’all but I’m catching the 8:15am out of here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pjiod/a_woman_has_been_experiencing_frequent_bowel/
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A marriage contract does not make the wife the property of the man.

It does, however, give him exclusive drilling rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pjcqx/a_marriage_contract_does_not_make_the_wife_the/
%
My sexy neighbor pounded on my door last night for half an hour!

But there was no way I was ever gonna let her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pjboh/my_sexy_neighbor_pounded_on_my_door_last_night/
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“What does gay mean?”

A son asked his father.
“It means happy,” the father said.
“Are you gay?” asked the son.
“No son, I have a wife.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pjbn7/what_does_gay_mean/
%
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

“The most violent book I have ever read”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pjaak/helen_keller_once_described_a_cheese_grater_as/
%
How do you get a (insert college here) grad off your front porch?

You pay em' for the pizza

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pj7sq/how_do_you_get_a_insert_college_here_grad_off/
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Little Johnny at his finest

Teacher: Ok class, if any student here is a moron, please stand up.
*Silence fills the classroom for a couple of seconds until Little Johnny, sitting all the way at the back of the classroom, stands up*
Teacher: Oh look, Little Johnny stood up! Not surprising, considering you’re the dumbest student in the whole class. Tell me, Little Johnny, why did you stand up? You do realize, you’re admitting to the whole class that you’re a moron? You know that, right?
Little Johnny: I’m not standing up to let everyone know I’m a moron. I’m only doing it to make you feel better, since you’re standing alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pj4o6/little_johnny_at_his_finest/
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I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was planned to call it a “brella”...

...But he hesitated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pj4cp/i_like_to_imagine_that_the_guy_who_invented_the/
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Condoms do not give full protection when it comes to sex

A buddy of mine used one, and got his ass beaten by the girl's boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7piz1i/condoms_do_not_give_full_protection_when_it_comes/
%
How many guitarist does it take to play stairway to heaven?

Apparently all of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7piwl9/how_many_guitarist_does_it_take_to_play_stairway/
%
How do you pass a biology test on excretion?

Process of elimination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pirdz/how_do_you_pass_a_biology_test_on_excretion/
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Interviewer: your resume says you're very literal

Me: my resume talks??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pinuj/interviewer_your_resume_says_youre_very_literal/
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All in favor of using homophones interchangeably

say "eye".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pijry/all_in_favor_of_using_homophones_interchangeably/
%
My dad was from North Dakota. He married an Arab woman...

My name? Yasser Youbetcha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pie1v/my_dad_was_from_north_dakota_he_married_an_arab/
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Why do Welsh people keep their sheep facing the cliff?

So they push back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pidno/why_do_welsh_people_keep_their_sheep_facing_the/
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How do you know when a singer is at the door?

He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7picf8/how_do_you_know_when_a_singer_is_at_the_door/
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Why do dominatrixes get so much beauty rest

They just love to hit the sack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pibr1/why_do_dominatrixes_get_so_much_beauty_rest/
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As I looked down at my son in his coffin,

I thought, 'Why can't the little Emo cunt sleep in a bed like normal teenagers?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7piawp/as_i_looked_down_at_my_son_in_his_coffin/
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My girlfriend hates it when I make jokes about her weight

She needs to lighten up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pi4c5/my_girlfriend_hates_it_when_i_make_jokes_about/
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Obama and Trump get a shave...

Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pi37f/obama_and_trump_get_a_shave/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I said something racist

A lot more black people would try to rob me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pi1s4/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_said_something/
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I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania

Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7phvzd/i_spent_my_whole_life_being_proud_of_my_british/
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I hate when my wife drags me to a dance class.

She knew I was paraplegic when she married me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7phpuv/i_hate_when_my_wife_drags_me_to_a_dance_class/
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COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7phiwz/cop_whose_car_is_this_where_are_you_headed_what/
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I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

It turns out my customers didn't like it when I went the extra mile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7phet3/i_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_taxi_driver/
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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7phc60/at_the_national_art_gallery_in_dublin_a_husband/
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Your momma's so fat

She gives off Hawking radiation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7phasv/your_mommas_so_fat/
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"Son, do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is?"

"No dad," I say rolling my eyes.
"Mentos."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ph8cq/son_do_you_know_what_the_opposite_of_ladyfingers/
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What is the worst kind of alarm clock?

The rumble strips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ph5ws/what_is_the_worst_kind_of_alarm_clock/
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What do you call a Pakistani prostitute in Los Angeles?

Lahore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ph5ht/what_do_you_call_a_pakistani_prostitute_in_los/
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When I bought a fixed gear bike last summer, people called me a hipster.

Commuting to work today in the snow, I finally understood why. I only liked riding my bike before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ph2x9/when_i_bought_a_fixed_gear_bike_last_summer/
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Walter the chicken

Walter and his wife go to bed at night. When Walter wakes up a few hours later, there is an Angel standing in front of him. „What happend?“, he asks a little confused. „I‘m sorry Walter. You died while you were asleep.“, the Angel answers.
Walter is really sad to hear this. He still had so many plans for his life. The angel tries to cheer him up: „Walter, you lived a good life. You‘ve been a great husband, the best father a child could wish for and always friendly to everyone you met. So god wants to give you a second chance. You‘ll be reborn as an animal and you can choose what kind of animal you want to become.“
„Chicken!“, Walter says immediatley. „I want to be a chicken. I always loved them and wondered what it would be like living like them.“
The angel agrees and so Walter becomes a chicken. He wakes up on a big farm with a lot of other animals. Cows, horses, pigs and houndres of other chicken. He walks around and gets to know everybody, really enjoying his new home. But he feels a little weird around his butt so he asks the other chicken about that.
„Yeah that‘s normal. You have to lay an egg.“ they say. So Walter squeezes his muscles and and an egg comes out. Yet he still has this weird  feeling so he tries again and another egg comes out. He keeps going and a third, a fourth, even a fith egg comes out. There seems to be no end to this.
Suddenly he hears a familiar voice calling his name: „Walter! Walter, wake up!“ He wakes up with his wife shouting next to him:
„Walter, what the hell? You‘re shitting all over the bed, you idiot!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pgxgr/walter_the_chicken/
%
What do you call someone that speaks three languages?

Trilingual!
What do you call someone that speaks two languages?
Bilingual!
What do you call someone that speaks one language?
American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pgvsv/what_do_you_call_someone_that_speaks_three/
%
I'm trying to figure out why masturbation jokes get so many up votes?

Can anyone give me a hand?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pgu9v/im_trying_to_figure_out_why_masturbation_jokes/
%
I had to find a new barber...

The last one wasn’t cutting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pgopl/i_had_to_find_a_new_barber/
%
What do you call a horse that can read, write and tell jokes?

A stable genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pgm5j/what_do_you_call_a_horse_that_can_read_write_and/
%
I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom

Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pglwy/i_like_to_do_drugs_in_a_chipotle_bathroom/
%
If a woman tells you that she's Bi...

...assume it's Polar.  Huge time saver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pglae/if_a_woman_tells_you_that_shes_bi/
%
A man says to his doctor...

"Every time I drink tea I get a sharp pain in my eye"
So the doctor says "Take the spoon out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pgh6j/a_man_says_to_his_doctor/
%
How many Donald Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

Look, we can change the light bulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the light bulb really dead?". That's what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The light bulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pgep2/how_many_donald_trump_supporters_does_it_take_to/
%
v



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pgeb7/v/
%
I mainly watch porn for the storyline...

...but the plotholes are always too obvious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pge9l/i_mainly_watch_porn_for_the_storyline/
%
Today is the worst day of the year

It's 1/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pgdql/today_is_the_worst_day_of_the_year/
%
Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, "The less immigrants we allow in, the better."

Pence says, "The fewer".
Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pgdjo/donald_trump_says_to_mike_pence_the_less/
%
My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house...

I looked her dead in the eye and said, "the motherfucking decepticons". She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pgbfq/my_wife_asked_why_i_carry_a_gun_around_the_house/
%
LPT: When you are sad start singing

You will quickly realise that your voice is way worse than your problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pg9xq/lpt_when_you_are_sad_start_singing/
%
I’m not sure how the next election is going to turn out

Because I don’t have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pg882/im_not_sure_how_the_next_election_is_going_to/
%
Tree fetishists aren't that bad

Their bark is worse than their bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pg5yl/tree_fetishists_arent_that_bad/
%
Little Jimmy is in a car with his dad while driving along a red-light district

Jimmy sees all the ladies behind the windows and asks his dad what they are doing.
"They are selling pleasure, Jimmy", his dad replies.
When they get home, the boy thinks: "Hmm, I'd like to buy myself some pleasure as well", so the next day he smashes his piggy bank and takes all his money to the Red Lights.
He tells one of the girls he'd like to buy some pleasure. The professional lady takes him with her to her room and makes him  three nice sandwiches with peanut butter.
When Jimmy gets home, his parents are already waiting for him. Worried as they are, they ask him where he's been.
With a big smile, the boy replies: "I went to buy some pleasure at the place you showed me in your car, dad!".
Verry worried the dad asks him what happened, which Jimmy responded to by:
"Well, I had no problem with the first two, but when I got to the third I couldn't do it anymore, so I just licked it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pg4wb/little_jimmy_is_in_a_car_with_his_dad_while/
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What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

One cuts them off, the other sucks them off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pg1qy/whats_the_difference_between_a_rabbi_and_a_priest/
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Did you hear about the person who spent over £1 million in the perfume shop?

They had more money than scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pg1ok/did_you_hear_about_the_person_who_spent_over_1/
%
Why was two piece swimsuit invented?

To separate the hairy from the dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfzif/why_was_two_piece_swimsuit_invented/
%
What do you call a retired Nazi doctor?

A Veteran Arian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfz1l/what_do_you_call_a_retired_nazi_doctor/
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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfuqp/white_people_dont_shoot_each_other_in_the_streets/
%
I went in for my physical, and my doctor suggested, "don't eat anything fatty"

I asked,  "like bacon and burgers?"
He said,  "no, fatty, don't eat anything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfo2p/i_went_in_for_my_physical_and_my_doctor_suggested/
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The real story of armegeddon

It's not well known but the final battle between Jesus and Satan is actually a computer programming battle.  Armageddon arrives and the battle begins.  Jesus and Satan are both tasked with the most complicated programming task ever given.  This is the type of task even Linus Torvalds would declare impossible.  Jesus and Satan are put in a room with two computers, the doors are locked, and they are given 8 hours.
The hours go by and Jesus and Satan are both programming at a pace never witnessed in human history.  Satan is typing so fast the computer isn't keeping up and Jesus has already created two new programming languages complete with documentation just to make the rest of the task easier.  After 7 hours go by, there's a loud POP and the power goes.  The room goes completely dark and both computers go to black.
Satan is fuming, breathing fire, doing all sorts of angry devil-like stuff.  He's cursing and screaming "I've lost all my work!  This is terrible!  Neither of us can possibly win now."  Then he looks over at Jesus and he's just sitting calmly in his chair, reclining a little bit, and has his eyes closed catching a rest.  Satan can't stand it, "What are you doing over there?  How can't this upset you!"  Just then the power comes back on, Jesus types for a few more seconds, submits his code, looks at Satan and says "It's over, I've won."
Now Satan is really furious "How is that possible! How can you have re-written everything that took even you hours to complete in a few seconds"
Jesus shakes his head, looks at Satan, and says, "Haven't you heard?  Jesus Saves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfnkf/the_real_story_of_armegeddon/
%
What’s the difference between being hungry and horny? (NSFW)

It all depends on which hole you put the cucumber in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfjm3/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
%
A man dies and goes to heaven.

As he sits in a chair Jesus Christ takes a seat in front of him.
The man is confused because he is also surrounded by clocks
The man asks Jesus “What are all these clocks for???”
Jesus replies “These are lying clocks, the more you lie, everytime you lie, the hand turns one hour ahead”
The man asks “How about Mother Teresa's clock?”
Jesus points it out and said “It is at 12, meaning she never told a lie”
The man stares in awe and points out a clock, “Who's clock is that?”
Jesus answers,“That is Sallys, it is at two, meaning she told 2 lies.”
The man gets curious because he can't find Donald Trump’s clock.
The man finally asks “Where is Donald Trump’s clock?”
Jesus calmly looks him dead in the eye and says,
“It's being used as a ceiling fan in God's office”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfivv/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
My neighbor pounded on my door at 2:30am last night! Can you believe that?! 2:30am!

Fortunately, I was still up practicing my bagpipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfi1n/my_neighbor_pounded_on_my_door_at_230am_last/
%
I beat my friend at dominos the other night.

I am the one who decides the pizza toppings!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfi19/i_beat_my_friend_at_dominos_the_other_night/
%
What's the national bird of Syria

A US drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfhoz/whats_the_national_bird_of_syria/
%
A brunette, redhead, and blonde got sentenced to execution in front of a firing squad.

The brunette went first. Seeing that the soldiers were a little naive, she waited until they raised their rifles and yelled "TORNADO!". The soldiers panicked and ran and in the ensuing confusion the brunette escaped.
They then beought out the redhead. She waited until the soldiers raised their rifles and yelled "FLOOD!". Again the soldiers ran for cover and she was able to escape.
The blonde was then brought out. Ahe decided to try and mimic her friends. So, as the soldiers raised their rifles, she yelled "FIRE!"....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfgoo/a_brunette_redhead_and_blonde_got_sentenced_to/
%
Oprah could be the next President.

Black is the new Orange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfgn2/oprah_could_be_the_next_president/
%
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2018 Super bowl.

Both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.  If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St Christopher’s Church, in Baldwin at 3pm. Her name is Ashley, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfbqw/a_friend_of_mine_has_two_tickets_for_the_2018/
%
Doctor's visit

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.
“The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfb28/doctors_visit/
%
What do niceguys put on their toast?

Marm'lady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pfb05/what_do_niceguys_put_on_their_toast/
%
A quadriplegic walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “wait a minute...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pf714/a_quadriplegic_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What does a blind magician say?

“Is this your card?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pf6xg/what_does_a_blind_magician_say/
%
If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Glass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pf4my/if_a_red_house_is_made_from_red_bricks_and_a_blue/
%
What's the worst part about self-deprecating humor?

Me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pf45l/whats_the_worst_part_about_selfdeprecating_humor/
%
Sir Dimalot strode into the throne room and bowed before the king.

"Your majesty," he said, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the villages of your enemies in the north."
The king looked perplexed. "But I do not have any enemies in the north."
"Ah," replied the knight, realising his mistake.  "I fear you do now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pf38o/sir_dimalot_strode_into_the_throne_room_and_bowed/
%
My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pf2dt/my_mother_used_to_tuck_me_in_every_night/
%
My vacuum cleaner recently had babies

Oh whoops, I meant my dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pf1ko/my_vacuum_cleaner_recently_had_babies/
%
What did the butt say to the other butt?

"May I ass you a question?"
"Oh, butt of course" said the other.
"You're really *behind* on this pun business"
"You're just scraping the *bottom* of the barrel now" said the other.
"Now don't get *cheeky* with me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pf0wy/what_did_the_butt_say_to_the_other_butt/
%
Accordion to a recent survey...

...replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence, often goes undetected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7peywk/accordion_to_a_recent_survey/
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My wife said she's leaving me because i'm too patronising.

I said "Ooh, 'patronising' that's a big word!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7peylp/my_wife_said_shes_leaving_me_because_im_too/
%
I don't hear people talk about beyblade anymore..

Guess they've just let it r.i.p.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pey4n/i_dont_hear_people_talk_about_beyblade_anymore/
%
My psychiatrist just told me I have OC/DC

It's like OCD, but it rocks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pexr2/my_psychiatrist_just_told_me_i_have_ocdc/
%
What kind of shape can cure a curse?

A Hexagon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7peuoz/what_kind_of_shape_can_cure_a_curse/
%
My dad and my girlfriend have a lot in common

They both left me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pesyj/my_dad_and_my_girlfriend_have_a_lot_in_common/
%
I got pulled over for speeding today and as the officer was handing me my ticket, I sarcastically asked, "What am I supposed to do with this!?"

He chuckled, "Just hold on to it and when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pera1/i_got_pulled_over_for_speeding_today_and_as_the/
%
An old man was laying on his death bed

With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7per5z/an_old_man_was_laying_on_his_death_bed/
%
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening,

but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7per06/an_irishman_is_trying_to_find_a_parking_space/
%
The wife's dog died...

Knowing how much she loved that dog the husband got her another dog, exactly the same as the one that died.
He gave her the dog and she yelled at him: Moron!! What am I going to do with 2 dead dogs?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pepxz/the_wifes_dog_died/
%
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pentx/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_is_a_roadie_for_a_band/
%
My wife left me because I’m too insecure.

No wait, she’s back.
She was just getting a cup of tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pemmx/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
Honestly 2017 should be recreated as a haunted house attraction.

But instead of being scared, You get angry and offended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pekzy/honestly_2017_should_be_recreated_as_a_haunted/
%
So, an elementary teacher in Chicago is on her first day at the job...

To get to know her students, she asks "Hey, which of you guys love the White Sox?" and everyone but one of her students exitedly raises their hands.
So she asks the single student why he doesn't love the White Sox. And the kid replies "Uh, I dunno... my mother was a cheerleader for the Cubs, and my dad played for them, and they met that way... so, of course I love them?".
And the teacher says "Oh. But you don't have to love a team because of your parents. If your father was a random pimp and your mother was some crack-whore?".
"I guess then I'd be a White Sox fan...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pehrf/so_an_elementary_teacher_in_chicago_is_on_her/
%
Chuck Norris once pissed in a truck's gas tank.

That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pedba/chuck_norris_once_pissed_in_a_trucks_gas_tank/
%
Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years?

Someone dropped a quarter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pec5i/why_did_the_jews_wander_the_desert_for_40_years/
%
You know the last thing my granddad told me before he kicked the bucket?

How far do you think I can kick this bucket?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pebzs/you_know_the_last_thing_my_granddad_told_me/
%
A circus manager gets a call at 2 am

This is how it goes:
Manager: hello?
Caller: hey, I would like to work at your circus...
For 10,000$ a show.
Manager: are you crazy?! What do you even do that you charge so much?!
Caller:I can speak German and English .
Manager: that is what you wake me up for?? Go to hell.
Caller: but sir you don't understand, I'm a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7peag8/a_circus_manager_gets_a_call_at_2_am/
%
I stayed up all night figuring out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pe8jk/i_stayed_up_all_night_figuring_out_where_the_sun/
%
A man calls up White House

Man : I want to be the next PRESIDENT of USA.
Operator: Are you an idiot?
Man: Sorry, I didn't know it's compulsory !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pe6b2/a_man_calls_up_white_house/
%
I'm undecided about abortion

On one hand I support it because it's about killing children
On the other, it gives women a choice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pe3i1/im_undecided_about_abortion/
%
People assume I'm vegetarian

Just this morning a lady recognized me from vegan club. I swear I never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pe1cb/people_assume_im_vegetarian/
%
Homework.

A girl is doing her homework and  her little brother walks in.  She asks him for help with a question and he refuses. Angrily she says "Just tell me what the division of two cells is and I won't hurt you". He still won't tell her so she stamps on his foot. "Tell me!" she yells "ouch! mitosis!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pe07e/homework/
%
The inventor of the USB drive passed away recently.

There was some trouble getting his body in the coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pdzax/the_inventor_of_the_usb_drive_passed_away_recently/
%
What did the Bra say to the Hat?

You go on ahead, I'll give these 2 a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pdytc/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
%
What did the shady duck say to the other duck?

“Psst, you wanna buy some quack?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pdwjn/what_did_the_shady_duck_say_to_the_other_duck/
%
A good date ends with dinner,

An awesome date ends with breakfast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pdtst/a_good_date_ends_with_dinner/
%
Sexism is wrong

And being wrong is for women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pdqkn/sexism_is_wrong/
%
Why does a chicken coupe have 2 doors?

If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pdomp/why_does_a_chicken_coupe_have_2_doors/
%
I got arrested at the airport last week....

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pdm93/i_got_arrested_at_the_airport_last_week/
%
What do you feed a woman to stop her from having sex?

Wedding cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pdegl/what_do_you_feed_a_woman_to_stop_her_from_having/
%
What do you call a day with a surprisingly low amount of tables?

A notable day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pdcwk/what_do_you_call_a_day_with_a_surprisingly_low/
%
Be careful of fat guys, ladies

They just want to get into your pantries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pd13h/be_careful_of_fat_guys_ladies/
%
A woman goes to her gynaecologist

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.
Woman : "Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pd0in/a_woman_goes_to_her_gynaecologist/
%
I've got some triactin with me if you need a painkiller...

Triactin like a man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pczgm/ive_got_some_triactin_with_me_if_you_need_a/
%
Some scientists were trying to figure out why crows were dying in Massachusetts

A team of scientists from MIT saw a statistic that said 80 percent of crow deaths in the state were because the crow had been hit by a truck. They decided to investigate why that was, and the results were pretty interesting. Crows often eat roadkill, so it wasn’t surprising that they were getting killed by trucks, but it was interesting that only trucks, not cars were hitting the crows. Something unique about crows is that one crow flys higher than all the other crows, who is known as the watch crow, who communicates with the others and warns them of danger. After studying the watch crow for a bit the scientists finally figured out why the trucks had been killing the crows. It turns out the watch crow could only say “caa” and not “truck”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pcwc3/some_scientists_were_trying_to_figure_out_why/
%
"My Daddy Plays Piano in a Whorehouse"

Mrs. Jacobson, a prim and proper, straightlaced lady, is a teacher of Grade Four students. One of the lessons is about the types of different jobs adults have...sort of a "what do you want to be when you grow up" type of lesson.
Part of it was asking the students what their parents do for a living.
"Sally, what does you father do?"
Sally proudly answers, "My Daddy is a Real Estate agent, and he helps people sell the house they own now, and buy a better house."
"Very good, Sally," replies Mrs Jacobson. "Jimmy, how about you? What does your father do?"
Jimmy smiles and says, "He works in a laboratory in a hospital and helps the doctors find out exactly how people are sick, so the doctors can help them get better."
Johnny has been sitting at his desk, shoulders slumped and staring down. He's asked, but mumbles something incoherent.
"I'm sorry, Johnny, I didn't hear you. Could you speak up?"
Johnny blurts out, "I said 'My Daddy plays piano in a whorehouse!'"
Mrs. Jacobson turns white as a sheet, and the whole class goes silent. She marches up to Johnny's desk, rips a piece of paper from his notebook, and scribbles a few lines.
Folding it, she hands it to Johnny, and firmly commands, "Young man, you take this note down to the Principal's Office right this minute. Go straight there, and you tell him that I sent you." She walks briskly to the door and opens it, glaring at Johnny as he meekly walks past her into the hallway.
He enters the Office, and one of the secretaries asks why he's at the office. "Mrs. Jacobson sent me," and hands over the note. The secretary reads it, gasps, and takes it into the Principal's office. She comes back and says, "The Principal wishes to see you in his office, *right now*."
Johnny walks into the office, and the Principal tells him to close the door, and take a seat. There is an awkward few moments of silence, as the Principal looks at Johnny, then at the note, then back at Johnny.
The principal asks, "Johnny, your father doesn't really play piano in a whorehouse, does he?"
"No, Sir." Johnny admits. "He plays defense for the Cleveland Browns, but there's no way I'm telling them THAT."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pcqzz/my_daddy_plays_piano_in_a_whorehouse/
%
"Son, can you go grab the dopted for me?"

"What's a dopted?"
"You are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pcoat/son_can_you_go_grab_the_dopted_for_me/
%
"What school did you go to?" "Yale"

"Okay, WHAT SCHOOL DID YOU GO TO?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pcoar/what_school_did_you_go_to_yale/
%
Kid asks is paw why do these condoms come in 3 packs?

Father: Those are for highschool boys son. One for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Son: Then what is this 6 pack for?
Father: Those are for college men! 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday!
Son: WOW!! And the 12 pack of condoms?
Father: Sigh.... Those are for married men. One for January.... One for February..... One for...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pco9z/kid_asks_is_paw_why_do_these_condoms_come_in_3/
%
What kind of bagel flies?

A plain bagel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pck6i/what_kind_of_bagel_flies/
%
Just found out my gramps has aids.

Apparently they are in his ears??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pcjvh/just_found_out_my_gramps_has_aids/
%
What does a rooster say?

Cock-a-doodle-do
What does a dyslexic rooster say?
Doodle-doodle-cock
What does a gay rooster say?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Any-cockle-do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pcjsd/what_does_a_rooster_say/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

Quite a few, after all, many Hans make light work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pcfxc/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Old joke time...I was in a horrible accident and had my whole left side of my body burnt away.

It's ok, I'm all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pcay7/old_joke_timei_was_in_a_horrible_accident_and_had/
%
My wife is the only one I’ve been with

Everyone else is a nine or a ten.
~Dan Mintz~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pc73e/my_wife_is_the_only_one_ive_been_with/
%
Wanna know who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Put them both in the trunk of your car for an hour and see which one will be happy to see you when you open it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pc4wy/wanna_know_who_loves_you_more_your_wife_or_your/
%
How did the beggar survive the gallows?

Poor execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pc2eu/how_did_the_beggar_survive_the_gallows/
%
I like my coffee like I like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pc0wk/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
My kids cried when I told them I had put ginger in the curry.

They loved that cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pbxo3/my_kids_cried_when_i_told_them_i_had_put_ginger/
%
Three hobos are talking about last night...

The first hobo says, “I was digging around behind a McDonald’s last night and someone threw away a whole meal!  I had a feast.”
The second hobo says, “I was scavenging by the liquor store yesterday and I found a full bottle of whiskey!  I got drunk out of my mind.”
The third hobo says, “That’s nothing. I was walking by the tracks and I ran into this woman. We had sex all night long!”
The other two hobos, admitting the third’s was the best, say, “That’s awesome!  Did she give you head?”
The third hobo says, “No... I never found her head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pbv96/three_hobos_are_talking_about_last_night/
%
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

India Foxtrot Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Alpha
November Romeo Echo Alpha Delta Tango Hotel
India Sierra India Mike November Echo Victor Echo
Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha
Golf India Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform
Uniform Papa November Echo Victor Echo Romeo
Golf Oscar November November Alpha Lima Echo
Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform Delta Oscar
Whiskey November November Echo Victor Echo
Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha
Romeo Uniform November Alpha Romeo Oscar Uniform
November Delta Alpha November Delta Delta Echo
Sierra Echo Romeo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pbqsr/whiskey_tango_foxtrot/
%
What's the difference between consuming porn and political news?

One is a corrupting influence, has people bending into unrealistic positions, and showcases excessive shamelessness, the other has naked people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pblf0/whats_the_difference_between_consuming_porn_and/
%
Wife: I am having an affair

Me: *Handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pbk8t/wife_i_am_having_an_affair/
%
Robespierre, Trotsky, and Mao walk into a bar.

There are no survivors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pbfnh/robespierre_trotsky_and_mao_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Do you think I should get on bitcoin now ? It's at 0.5$.

Sent via Internet Explorer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pb2uc/do_you_think_i_should_get_on_bitcoin_now_its_at_05/
%
I can't remember how to post 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals

I am LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pb28j/i_cant_remember_how_to_post_51_6_and_500_in_roman/
%
A man goes to a zoo.......

While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "Fuck you! " in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.
Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pb1yp/a_man_goes_to_a_zoo/
%
What do a plumber and a walrus have in common?

They both love a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pax61/what_do_a_plumber_and_a_walrus_have_in_common/
%
Because I always spoil the punchline.

Someone asked me the other day why I don't tell many jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pau8j/because_i_always_spoil_the_punchline/
%
A female flight attendant walks down the isle and offers a man some headphones.

“Would you like some headphones?” She asks.
The man smiles a large grin.
“Why certainly!” He says, “And how did you know my name was Phones?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pas0s/a_female_flight_attendant_walks_down_the_isle_and/
%
The drunk in the bus

A woman enters the bus with her two children, the only places available are next to a man who seems very drunk, she sits with the children and the drunk man says: Your children are very beautiful.
She looks at him with disdain and says: Thank you.
You're welcome, says the drunk. After a few minutes the drunk asks: Are your children twins?
The woman responds rudely: No, you can see clearly that one is much older than the other.
The drunk looks at her very thoughtful and says: Sorry I just find it hard to believe that someone had sex with you twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pahjc/the_drunk_in_the_bus/
%
A guy walks into a gay club

As he walks up to the bar, a man asks him “Excuse me sir, may I push your stool in for you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pa86s/a_guy_walks_into_a_gay_club/
%
What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't hear a vitamin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pa7eg/whats_the_difference_between_a_vitamin_and_a/
%
My favorite sex position is 68

It’s when you give me head and I owe you one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pa71j/my_favorite_sex_position_is_68/
%
The mob boss sends two of his men to kill a gangster...

They park outside his house half an hour before his expected return, check their guns, and wait. Half an hour later, the gangster's not there. They keep waiting in silence, an hour passes - and he's not there. Time passes, and the target is still not home. Finally, one of the hitmen looks at the watch and says:
"We've been here for three hours, and he still ain't showed up."
"Jeez," the other hitman says, "I hope nothing happened to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pa6vq/the_mob_boss_sends_two_of_his_men_to_kill_a/
%
Did you hear about the guy who is afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7pa34q/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_is_afraid_of/
%
How did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p9usr/how_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
[OC] You millennials are always complaining that we ran up trillions of dollars of debt for you. Why can't you just pull yourselves up by your bootstraps?

After all, we pulled ourselves up by your bootstraps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p9ucm/oc_you_millennials_are_always_complaining_that_we/
%
A man goes to the store to buy some condoms

So he goes up to the register and quietly puts a pack of them on the counter.
The cashier looks at them and says "You know, we have a special on ribbed condoms if you're interested."
The guy says "They work the same?"
"I hear they work better"
"Well alright, what the hell" and he buys them.
A few days later the man is back in the store. He walks up to the cashier and says "Uh, I need to file a complaint."
The Cashier says "Is it about those condoms you bought a few days ago?"
The guy nods.
"Oh dear, did they not work?" the cashier says.
"No, no, they worked just fine," the man says, "but they didn't taste like ribs at all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p9jgj/a_man_goes_to_the_store_to_buy_some_condoms/
%
What do you call an amateur sports team made up entirely of poets?

semi-prose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p9ihi/what_do_you_call_an_amateur_sports_team_made_up/
%
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p9fpg/the_guy_who_invented_throat_lozenges_died_last/
%
A Zoo & a Gorilla & a Lion :v

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p9b0p/a_zoo_a_gorilla_a_lion_v/
%
My ex asked me if I had ever been with any fat girls

I told her she was my first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p996m/my_ex_asked_me_if_i_had_ever_been_with_any_fat/
%
What's better than roses on a piano?

Two lips on an organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p8ve4/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
If your donkey eats one of my rooster's legs, what do you have?

A foot of my cock in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p8sgg/if_your_donkey_eats_one_of_my_roosters_legs_what/
%
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by

paying attention to whether the animal sees you later, or in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p8s9u/you_can_distinguish_an_alligator_from_a_crocodile/
%
A man walks into a burger joint...

He reads off the menu:
Hamburger          $2.50
Cheeseburger     $3.50
HandJobs            $25.00
He walks up and whispers to the girl running the til; “are you the one who gives the $25 handjobs?”
The girl replies; “yes” , with a smile on her face.
“Okay, go wash your hands really well, than make me a fucking cheeseburger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p8r0z/a_man_walks_into_a_burger_joint/
%
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p8qmg/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
%
What's the difference between Logan Paul and Hitler?

Hitler had respect for Japanese people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p8q0b/whats_the_difference_between_logan_paul_and_hitler/
%
A dentist and a manicurist marry.

They fight tooth and nail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p8jjr/a_dentist_and_a_manicurist_marry/
%
Paddy was at the doctor's office the other day..

He said to the doctor "Doc, I'm half deaf all of a sudden. I'm having trouble hearing."
The doctor replied "Right, we'll test if you're half deaf or not. Go out and stand in the room at the end of the hall and I'll shout a number and if you can hear it, shout it back."
Paddy walked out and into the room.
The doctor shouted "88!"
Paddy replied "44!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p8df8/paddy_was_at_the_doctors_office_the_other_day/
%
I’m going to tell you a joke about eBay

You will get it the next year or so...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p8b1c/im_going_to_tell_you_a_joke_about_ebay/
%
Did anybody hear about the karate champion who joined the army?

It was a disaster!
The first time he tried to salute, he nearly killed himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p89z4/did_anybody_hear_about_the_karate_champion_who/
%
A bunny escapes from a research facility

he runs out of the lab and joins some other bunnies in the field behind the building.
"hey there!" one of the bunnies says. "are you from the lab?"
"yeah. I'm from the lab"
"then you have a lot to learn about being a bunny" one of the other bunnies says.
he teaches the young bunny about how to eat carrots, hop, and etc.
"So, new friend, do you want to stay with us?" the wild bunnies chorus
"I'm sorry, but I have to go back. I'm dying for a cigarette!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p89uz/a_bunny_escapes_from_a_research_facility/
%
A beautiful woman loves growing tomatoes

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Great joke I found. I did not come up with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p8624/a_beautiful_woman_loves_growing_tomatoes/
%
A young marine talks to his dad about parachute practice

"We had to jump out of helicopters" the boy said.
His father replies "how scary! And you just... jumped??"
the boy shyly said "uhhh, I was very scared, and I just stood there at first"
the dad got stern "and what did the drill sergeant say?"
"he said 'if you don't jump this fucking instant, I'm gonna stick my big hairy cock up your little ass'"
the dad got wide eyed: "did you jump?" he asked.
"only at first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p85g2/a_young_marine_talks_to_his_dad_about_parachute/
%
In Thailand, where on the woman's body is the clitoris?

Depends on the surgeon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p85fh/in_thailand_where_on_the_womans_body_is_the/
%
Out of all the ways to lose an arm,

losing it in a sausage machine has got to be the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p8054/out_of_all_the_ways_to_lose_an_arm/
%
What do you call an antisocial sea sponge?

Aloofah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p804p/what_do_you_call_an_antisocial_sea_sponge/
%
One cow says to another, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

The second cow replies, "No way, I don't believe you."
The first says, "It's true, no bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p7wc0/one_cow_says_to_another_i_was_artificially/
%
My barber asked me what I wanted today. I replied, "I dunno. Do something that makes me look more sexy!"

So she started throwing back shots of vodka.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p7upv/my_barber_asked_me_what_i_wanted_today_i_replied/
%
What do you call a sugar daddy with HIV?

Financial AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p7r37/what_do_you_call_a_sugar_daddy_with_hiv/
%
A mother is helping her son study for a geography quiz.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin" says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin"
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin"
"Good job Adolf, you'll do great on your quiz tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p7pvk/a_mother_is_helping_her_son_study_for_a_geography/
%
[OC] What do you do if your AI catches a virus?

You give it some Robo-tussin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p7n06/oc_what_do_you_do_if_your_ai_catches_a_virus/
%
Diarrhoea leaves you like an Xbox

With a red ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p7n05/diarrhoea_leaves_you_like_an_xbox/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p7lys/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_pimp/
%
I can't stand when people don't know when to write your or you're

There so stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p7lgi/i_cant_stand_when_people_dont_know_when_to_write/
%
That's how I'll remember her, staring out the window at the beautiful sunrise, writing in her journal, and saying to me

Who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing in my house?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p7i94/thats_how_ill_remember_her_staring_out_the_window/
%
Some pirates are sailing off the coast of Madagascar

The captain points to the shore and says to his first mate:
"Do you see those crazy looking lemur things?"
To which the first mate replied:
"Aye aye, I eye aye-aye"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p7fcb/some_pirates_are_sailing_off_the_coast_of/
%
I was in the bar, quietly enjoying a beer, when this big, fat, ugly broad came up an started talking to me...

I asked, "Excuse me, do you have a pen?"
She replied, "Yes, why?"
I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you've escaped."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p79ot/i_was_in_the_bar_quietly_enjoying_a_beer_when/
%
A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist, are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" said the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p78oa/a_zoophile_a_sadist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
%
What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p77nm/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_works_in_the/
%
Tech support said to turn it off and on again...

... should have mentioned it was a ventilator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p74lt/tech_support_said_to_turn_it_off_and_on_again/
%
What do Winnie the Pooh and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Their middle name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p714u/what_do_winnie_the_pooh_and_vlad_the_impaler_have/
%
What's ISIS favourite car?

The Citroen C4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6x4l/whats_isis_favourite_car/
%
A priest, a rabbi, and a homeless man walk into a bar

"What is this, some sort of joke?" asked the bartender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6urx/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_homeless_man_walk_into_a/
%
A good book is like a puppy

Easy to pick up, hard to put down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6sj9/a_good_book_is_like_a_puppy/
%
A father is passing by his son’s bedroom

and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6rwu/a_father_is_passing_by_his_sons_bedroom/
%
Dave took his wife Sheila and her sister Mandy away for a weekend in the caravan.

"Any chance of a blow job?" Dave whispered to his wife when they were in bed.
"For fuck's sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!"
"Good point," he said, "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6rq0/dave_took_his_wife_sheila_and_her_sister_mandy/
%
Tommy Wiseau walks into Communist Party HQ

Oh hai Marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6r2s/tommy_wiseau_walks_into_communist_party_hq/
%
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down.

That's how you wash a cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6pap/touch_it_gently_put_two_fingers_inside_if_its/
%
My unemployed alcoholic father has a brilliant legal mind.

Unfortunately he’s never passed a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6oqt/my_unemployed_alcoholic_father_has_a_brilliant/
%
I was feeling lonely, so I bought some stocks...

It's nice with a little bit of company.
Found this on a "toilet paper" at my college.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6m7v/i_was_feeling_lonely_so_i_bought_some_stocks/
%
Jean's mom came home after visiting her hometown

Maggie: Hey, where did your mom come from?
Jean: Alaska
Maggie: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6lxh/jeans_mom_came_home_after_visiting_her_hometown/
%
Rabbi in a Taxi

There's a rabbi in a taxi, going through the city for a meeting. Everything is fine, the driver is nice and all. Suddenly, as they're waiting for the green light, a gang of big black guys shows up, armed with baseball bats and stuff. They start hitting the car, break the lights, get the driver out and kick him.
The rabbi is really scared and screams: "Please stop, please... stop it!"
Then another gang shows up, Mexicans this time, even bigger than the black dudes. They fight the black guys, destroy them, then turn to the taxi and the driver, and wreck both of them. The driver is nearly dead, blood everywhere. The cab is smoking, windows broken...
And the rabbi is still really, really scared. He continues screaming: "Please stop, please... stop it!"
Then the police shows up, shoot the Mexicans, handcuff the survivors, call an ambulance for the driver and try to patch him up. The rabbi is still in the car, and seems more and more scared.
He's still screaming: "Please stop, please... stop it!"
A policeman helps him out, and sees the terror on his face. "Calm down, we saved you, everything is alright," he says.
"Please stop, please... stop it!" continues the rabbi.
The policeman tries to reassure him. "It's gonna be alright, you're safe!"
"Please stop, please... stop it!"
The policeman gets a bit angry "Look, you're safe, you need to calm down!"
The rabbi then looks at the taxi, his eyes filled with terror. "Please stop, please... stop the meter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6kzz/rabbi_in_a_taxi/
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One of my favourites

A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in the country. He killed a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in the country. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6k18/one_of_my_favourites/
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How does Superman get out of risky situations?

He always has an ‘S’ cape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6gyw/how_does_superman_get_out_of_risky_situations/
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How do you separate men from boys in the navy?

With a crowbar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6gf2/how_do_you_separate_men_from_boys_in_the_navy/
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Two Irishmen are walking down the street looking for a job.

One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6dsn/two_irishmen_are_walking_down_the_street_looking/
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Incredibly lame joke my 9 yr old cousin told me. (NSFW)

So this old guy is lying face down in the sand on a nude beach.
A hot blonde comes along and starts rhythmically smacking his buttocks like drums.
Then the geezer flips around, grins toothlessly at her and says, “Why don’t you play the flute instead of the bongos?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6dd5/incredibly_lame_joke_my_9_yr_old_cousin_told_me/
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The cucumber complained, "I wish I was a normal vegetable, this is bullshit, half of my friends and family are bought and used as dildoes!"

"Better you than me!" responded the pineapple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6a54/the_cucumber_complained_i_wish_i_was_a_normal/
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Don't be racist

; racism is a crime; and crime is for black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6a4z/dont_be_racist/
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A bookseller in German-occupied Copenhagen came up with a new idea to help sell books...

He displayed a book and poster in his shop window saying "English In 50 Hours, Learn English Before The Tommies Arrive."
He was immediately ordered by the Nazis to remove it.
On the next day he put up a new book and poster in the same window that said "German In 50 Hours, Learn German Before Our Friends The Germans Depart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p675j/a_bookseller_in_germanoccupied_copenhagen_came_up/
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What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p6622/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
Some stereotypes just aren't true, not all gay people are flamboyant and constantly happy

Some of them are lesbians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p62ng/some_stereotypes_just_arent_true_not_all_gay/
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What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

Porcupines have their pricks on the outside!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p62ky/what_is_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a/
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Now that our children are getting a little bit older, my wife and I decided we needed to use secret "code words" to indicate when we want to have sex, so our kids will have no idea what we're talking about...

...so, we decided on the words relating to "typewriter."
This morning, I said to my wife that I wanted to, "type a letter" after breakfast.
My wife responded, "You can't type a letter right now, because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."
I gave up, went in to the bedroom to use the computer and after about 2 minutes, my wife slunk in and purred, "False alarm, you can type that letter now."
I blushed and sputtered, "I already wrote the letter by hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p61oa/now_that_our_children_are_getting_a_little_bit/
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Crushed...

Crush: A feeling of love and admiration for someone, often someone you know you cannot have a relationship with.
Crush: Deform, pulverize, or force inwards by compressing forcefully.
::-Very much same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p5zyi/crushed/
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Why are americans bad at chess?

Because they already lost 2 towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p5zoc/why_are_americans_bad_at_chess/
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You can never win

So, the Jewish guy gets two ties from his mom for his birthday.
A couple of weeks later his mom comes for a visit, and he decides to wear one of his ties as a thank you gesture.
He opens the door when she knocks on the door, and the first thing his mom says:
"What's wrong with the other tie?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p5yc3/you_can_never_win/
%
Dave walked out of a club with a girl last night.

She slipped her hand inside his jeans, squeezed his cock and said, "Yours or mine?"
Dave said, "That's mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p5x38/dave_walked_out_of_a_club_with_a_girl_last_night/
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I've sent my friend a letter with a joke.

He didn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p5vcf/ive_sent_my_friend_a_letter_with_a_joke/
%
Did you hear about the horse that could read and write?

He was a stable genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p5p8r/did_you_hear_about_the_horse_that_could_read_and/
%
Dads are like puppies

Mom can always get a new one, but he'll never be like the one that ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p5mbc/dads_are_like_puppies/
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interviewer: it says here you went to Harvard University.

Me: yeah, I was visiting my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p5ldd/interviewer_it_says_here_you_went_to_harvard/
%
A jewish guy gets knocked over by a car...

A passer by runs over to check on him. He bundles up his coat into a pillow and places it under his head "Are you comfortable?" the stranger asks. He replies "Ach, I make a living."
Credit: Mel Brooks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p5kst/a_jewish_guy_gets_knocked_over_by_a_car/
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What did O say to Q?

Hey put that thing back in your trousers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p5hq7/what_did_o_say_to_q/
%
What do you call that day when you finally do all the chores and work you've let pile up?

Tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p56r7/what_do_you_call_that_day_when_you_finally_do_all/
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An 18 year old kid spends his first day in prison.. [NSFW]

He ends up getting a bunk mate whose an older guy, and been inside for while. This older guy has access to lots of goodies such as oreos and cup of noodles etc.. In prison that is basically its own form of currency. The old man can tell the kid is scared and tells him
"I'll tell you what kid I'll make you a deal, if you can do a thousand pushups by the end of today ill give you a whole case of cup of noodles."
So the kid took him up on it and got to work on it right away. Doing 150 here and there. By the end of the day the kid got to his last 20 pushups to make the thousand, he's beat as hell and sore, can barely move. He gets those last 20 in, he did it.
The old man comes up to him and says
" You did good kid." then bends him over and fucks him in the ass with no struggle at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p551s/an_18_year_old_kid_spends_his_first_day_in_prison/
%
Tough to be Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.
" Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p52g8/tough_to_be_irish/
%
I couldn't figure out a way to measure the amount of sluts to non-sluts.

So I asked my friend Horatio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p5122/i_couldnt_figure_out_a_way_to_measure_the_amount/
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Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p4whl/mister_why_doesnt_this_cow_have_any_horns/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p4usg/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_that_got_stabbed/
%
What is the Capital of Greece?

Around 10 dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p4u62/what_is_the_capital_of_greece/
%
To give away - One broken guitar...

No strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p4s5z/to_give_away_one_broken_guitar/
%
Why did the Irish man only put 239 beans in his soup pot?

Because just one more would have made the soup too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p4pdk/why_did_the_irish_man_only_put_239_beans_in_his/
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Why do animals make boring storytellers?

They only have one tail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p4msf/why_do_animals_make_boring_storytellers/
%
What did the happy couch say?

Sofa, so good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p4l4q/what_did_the_happy_couch_say/
%
A Palestinian and Israeli are next to each other on a plane.

The Palestinian says out loud, “I could really use a Coke.”
The Israeli says, “I’ll get one for you.”
As the Israeli steps away, the Palestinian notices that the Israeli’s shoes are sitting on the floor. He quickly grabs one and spits inside it.
The Israeli returns with a coke for the Palestinian. A short while later, the Palestinian has drank his coke so he says,”I wish I had another coke.”
The Israeli says, “No worries. I’ll get you another. “
As he steps away, the Palestinian spits in the other shoe. The Israeli returns with the coke and the Palestinian happily drinks it.
A short while later, the plane lands. As he prepares to leave, the Israeli steps into his shoes and feels the wetness.
He lets out a heavy sigh and says “I wish this fighting would end already. Spitting in shoes... pissing in cokes...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p4d8i/a_palestinian_and_israeli_are_next_to_each_other/
%
I love short people

They’re more down to earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p48zx/i_love_short_people/
%
I'm not an expert in masturbation

But I hold my own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p4584/im_not_an_expert_in_masturbation/
%
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0K now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p3ya4/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_got_cooled_to/
%
Hitler was right

art is super hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p3xvr/hitler_was_right/
%
Which prison has the best food?

Australia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p3sy4/which_prison_has_the_best_food/
%
The average male ejaculation occurs at 28 Miles per hour

Which makes it illegal in school zones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p3l1p/the_average_male_ejaculation_occurs_at_28_miles/
%
A Man Wins the Lottery

A man wins the lottery and calls his wife.
“Honey, I have good news and bad news.”
The wife, having no idea of what could be going on says, “Combine them.”
The man thinks for a second and says, “My new wife and I just won the lottery!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p3kes/a_man_wins_the_lottery/
%
A farmer had 196 cows in his field

When he rounded them up he had 200

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p3jtv/a_farmer_had_196_cows_in_his_field/
%
I asked a fellow church member if I can make jokes about Jesus...

They said "As long as you nail it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p3hji/i_asked_a_fellow_church_member_if_i_can_make/
%
I used to be indecisive

But I’m not so sure anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p3g06/i_used_to_be_indecisive/
%
Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines?

Because of the tally ban

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p3fyj/why_cant_schools_in_afghanistan_teach_kids_to/
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A man who lies with another man should be stoned.

It helps. Thats all I'm saying!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p3ei4/a_man_who_lies_with_another_man_should_be_stoned/
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What do you get when you drain a hot tub full of clowns?

Several gallons of laughing stock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p3dge/what_do_you_get_when_you_drain_a_hot_tub_full_of/
%
A young punk gets on the cross town bus...

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p3brw/a_young_punk_gets_on_the_cross_town_bus/
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Why did the tech CEO's wife leave him?

She wasn't satisfied when his performance dipped by 5-30%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p372g/why_did_the_tech_ceos_wife_leave_him/
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"New Years resoultion"

I have been reading so many bad things lately about how all the bad things sugar and junk food could do to me, so my New Years resoultion is no more reading 😊

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p35f9/new_years_resoultion/
%
A guy wanted to speed up his snail - so he took it's shell off.

if anything, he made it more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p34zq/a_guy_wanted_to_speed_up_his_snail_so_he_took_its/
%
The same German Shepard wanders over my front lawn every day.

Turns out he's just looking for his dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p34da/the_same_german_shepard_wanders_over_my_front/
%
A guy goes into a parachute store.....

and sees a row of parachutes selling for $200 and another row of parachutes selling for $6,000. Confused, he asks a salesman what the $200 rigs were for.  The salesman says they were for parachuting.  More confused, he asked the salesman what the $6,000 rigs were for.  The salesman said they were for parachuting twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p31rf/a_guy_goes_into_a_parachute_store/
%
Two women who are best friends are talking.

"Martha, if I slept with your husband, would we remain friends?"
"No."
"So, we'll be enemies then?
"No."
"What would we be then?
"Even."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p31cg/two_women_who_are_best_friends_are_talking/
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Best part of getting an amnesia

Finding tons of original jokes on reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p30jz/best_part_of_getting_an_amnesia/
%
My girlfriend wants me to spank her during sex...

But I believe that's child abuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p2xmb/my_girlfriend_wants_me_to_spank_her_during_sex/
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Oprah promises prosecution of all women in sleeveless dresses when she takes office

She is against the right to bare arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p2q0i/oprah_promises_prosecution_of_all_women_in/
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I wish Christian guys would make up their minds, one minute they are saying homosexuality is a sin and that sodomy is evil

The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p2jzg/i_wish_christian_guys_would_make_up_their_minds/
%
Don't spell part backwards.

It's a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p2j45/dont_spell_part_backwards/
%
What do you call a fake woodwind instrument?

A saxo-phoney!
kill me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p2ilt/what_do_you_call_a_fake_woodwind_instrument/
%
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p2h92/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/
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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p2gok/my_dad_died_when_we_couldnt_remember_his_blood/
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Stop with the Logan Paul jokes...

It's like beating a dead horse and i don't want to give him anymore video ideas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p2dr9/stop_with_the_logan_paul_jokes/
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Have you seen that movie with the war at the camp grounds?

I don’t remember what it’s called, but the battle scenes were in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p287c/have_you_seen_that_movie_with_the_war_at_the_camp/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p21yl/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how life was

He said he couldn't complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p21i0/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_life_was/
%
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p20vb/they_say_kim_jong_un_has_read_every_single_book/
%
The only "B" word you should call a woman, is "beautiful".

Cause bitches like it when you call them beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p1ufb/the_only_b_word_you_should_call_a_woman_is/
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Genie quits working after a severe disagreement with master.

He rubbed her the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p1ubj/genie_quits_working_after_a_severe_disagreement/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p1szr/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
What sounds like a mouse, but much, much louder?

#**A MOUSE**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p1pq3/what_sounds_like_a_mouse_but_much_much_louder/
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Irish Wargames

In light of the present threat created by North Korea, the Irish army decided to conduct the largest military exercise ever in it's history. The entirety of its armed forces were split between the north and south of the island. This is the story of the North Irish 5th infantry battalion.
Each soldier had lined up during the onset of the exercise in front of its commander, and each was issued a brand new m16 rifle with the latest laser gear equipped. Each except for Pvt. McConnell. Private McConnell asked his commander "Oi, why haven't you issued me a gun?!" to which the commander responded "You sa, are our secret weapon. Ya dont need no stinkin gun, just point at the enemy and yell Bangity Bang Bang!".
McConnell, visibly confused, walked into the field with his fellow soldiers, when he immidiately stumbled across an enemy soldier. He lifted his "handgun" and yells out "Bangity Bang Bang!" at the top of his voice. The combatant immediately clutches his chest and drops to the ground. McConnell is amazed. "Wow, i cant believe they gave me this power!"
McConnell ran off from his company in pursuit of more enemy soldiers and quickly ran into an enemy platoon. "Bangity Bang Bang, Bangity Bang Bang, Bangity Bang Bang!" He yelled, and the entire platoon drops to the
ground.
After running around all day feeling invincible, he finds the field office of an enemy lieutenant. He sneaks up to the window, puts his finger to the lieutenants head and yells "Bangity Bang Bang!" and the lieutenant collapses. "im gonna be a hero when i get back!" McConnel exclaims to himself.
Later on, on his way back to camp from deep within enemy territory, he came across a lone Southern soldier,talking quietly to himself and walking in strict march up the dirt road. McConnell stops in the middle of the road, points his finger at the soldier, and yells "Bangity Bang Bang!". The soldier didnt drop, but keeps marching right at him.
"Bangity Bang Bang!" McConnell yells again, seemingly ignored by the soldier marching closer
"Bangity Bang Bang!"
"Bangity Bang Bang!"
"Bangity Bang Bang!", no response.
The enemy soldier pushes McConnell over and stomps all over his face as he continues on down the road chanting "tankity tank tank, tankity tank tank, tankity tank tank"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p1lgv/irish_wargames/
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I like my beer like I like my violence.

Domestic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p1lbi/i_like_my_beer_like_i_like_my_violence/
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3 Addicts

There was three guys; a sex addict, a weed addict and a alcoholic they all went to hell for their sin and was standing in front of the devil.
The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with what ever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth.
So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of beer, the weed addict locked in a room full of weed.
1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict he comes out saying "Aww my dick hurts I'm never having sex again", poof back to earth,Open the alcoholic room and he say "Im never having beer", and gets sent back to Earth.
Then the Devil opens the weed addicts room and the Weed addict punches the Devil in the face and says you forgot my lighter bitch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p1ewp/3_addicts/
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I’m a psychology student and I love it

I guess it’s true that if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p160d/im_a_psychology_student_and_i_love_it/
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[NSFL] 9 out of 10 people agree that...

...gang rape is great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p15sg/nsfl_9_out_of_10_people_agree_that/
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What do you call a cow who died while masturbating?

Beef jerky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p0w99/what_do_you_call_a_cow_who_died_while_masturbating/
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I went to the KKK rally expecting it to be totally boring.

But you know what? It was all-white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p0tiv/i_went_to_the_kkk_rally_expecting_it_to_be/
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A man walks into a bar

with a black eye, sits down, and orders a drink.
Bartender: Geez, what happened to you?
Man: I was at church today, and when we all go up to sing, the girl in front of me had her dress tucked into her buttcrack. I didn't think she was comfortable, so I untucked it for her, and she turned around and socked me in the eye!
The next week, the man returns to the bar, this time with a bloody nose.
Bartender: What happened this time?
Man: I was at church with my brother, and when we all got up to sing, the girl in front of me had her dress tucked into her buttcrack again. My brother noticed this, and untucked it. I knew that was a bad idea, so I helped her out and tucked it back in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p0sd0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A guy is scoping out chicks in a bar...

...when he sees one wearing a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi. My name is 21 Point Lead."
The woman laughs and replies, "That's not your name!"
The guy says, "You're right, but I figured anyone wearing a Chiefs jersey would blow a 21 point lead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p0s1l/a_guy_is_scoping_out_chicks_in_a_bar/
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A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

“That’s pretty neat!” The bartender says, “Where’d you get him?”
“Africa.” Says the parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p0qlp/a_black_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_parrot_on_his/
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My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..."

I know he means well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p0pzy/my_friend_is_really_optimistic_and_is_always/
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Why do Americans serve their beer cold?

So you can tell it from piss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p0oeg/why_do_americans_serve_their_beer_cold/
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I have winter to thank for making me the man I am today.

Depressed and 20 pounds overweight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p0n72/i_have_winter_to_thank_for_making_me_the_man_i_am/
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The Baby Photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p0jl8/the_baby_photographer/
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Big mistake

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.  I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do so I started to play.  The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.  As I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.  As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p0cim/big_mistake/
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A very wealthy man had a son.

For some reason, his first words were "ping pong ball". When the boy was old enough to speak, and understand birthdays and gifts and such (about three years old), he asked the boy "So son, what would you like for your birthday this year?" The boy said, "Daddy, I would like a pink ping pong ball." Father said "That's it? No trucks, no trains no puzzles?" The boy said "No, just a pink ping pong ball.
So the father gets him the pink ping pong ball and wraps it up. The boy is absolutely delighted. He takes the pink ping pong ball to his room, and the pink ping pong ball is never seen again.
A day before his 15th birthday, asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have five pink ping pong balls.
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is pink ping pong balls that you want, a pink ping pong balls you shall have.
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday presents five pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong balls were gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a ten pack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. He said therefore, `If it is a ten pack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a ten pack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a ten pack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the ten pack of pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ping pong ball remained, merely the empty husk of the ten pack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humor me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humor his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbor and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one ten pack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'
`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls, the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
`I- I-'
Then he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p0aga/a_very_wealthy_man_had_a_son/
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What do you call a person who points out the obvious?

A person who points out the obvious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p09za/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_points_out_the/
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Did you hear about the illiterate wizard?

He couldn't even spellbook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p060p/did_you_hear_about_the_illiterate_wizard/
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What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

A lot of fucking room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p040p/what_do_you_give_an_elephant_with_diarrhea/
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What do you call a mans exaggeration of his length?

Woody's round up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7p037h/what_do_you_call_a_mans_exaggeration_of_his_length/
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The Blonde at the Bus Stop

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body?! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ozuus/the_blonde_at_the_bus_stop/
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The Tale of Three Samurai

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ozt5j/the_tale_of_three_samurai/
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Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ozqj0/never_date_a_tennis_player/
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What's the main cause of emigration in Ethiopia?

The wind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ozl04/whats_the_main_cause_of_emigration_in_ethiopia/
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A woman is standing naked in front of her bedroom mirror.

"I'm old, saggy and wrinkled," she sighed. Then she turned to her husband who was sitting in bed, reading.  "I could really do with you saying something nice, you know."
He looked up. "Your eyesight's perfect."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ozkrp/a_woman_is_standing_naked_in_front_of_her_bedroom/
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Why was the train engineer always complimenting his train?

It was esteem powered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ozdi5/why_was_the_train_engineer_always_complimenting/
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A revolutionary new product allows fathers to share a mother's pain during labour.

Mr Smith is happy to try it out and help his pregnant wife, and when the special day arrives, he tells the nurse to strap him up.
"Mr Smith, you are a very brave man. The machine has 10 settings, starting at the very manageable level 1, and going up to level 10, which will give you all of your wife's pain. Let's start you off at 1..."
And so it begins. Mr Smith braces himself, but feels nothing. "Move me up to level 2, please" he tells the nurse. Still, he feels nothing.
He continues to level up, confident that a man's pain threshold is far superior to a woman's. "Level 10," he says, smiling broadly.
"Mr Smith, are you sure? You could easily die..."
He is, however, adamant, and his wife enjoys a pain free labour.
When they return home, the postman is lying dead on their porch...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ozcnh/a_revolutionary_new_product_allows_fathers_to/
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Two deers walk out of a gay bar

One said: I can't believe i just blew twenty bucks in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oz7tx/two_deers_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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I don't know why everyone is so angry at Logan Paul and his crew visiting suicide forest...

...everyone was just hanging around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oz4ao/i_dont_know_why_everyone_is_so_angry_at_logan/
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Did you know diarrhoea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oz342/did_you_know_diarrhoea_is_hereditary/
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2,003 pigs

It’s a small town and not much happens most days, so the town newspaper prints pretty much every little story. But the editor just can’t believe it one day when the new farmer down the road says that his truck ran into a ditch and killed 2,003 pigs.  He sends his reporter out to the farm to check it out.
The reporter pulls up and finds the farmer working on the fence, so he strolls over and says, “I understand you had a little accident the other day and lost some livestock, is that right?”
The farmer, who seems reluctant to talk, just nods.
“We heard it was 2,003 pigs.  Is that right?”
The farmer frowns a bit and nods again.
“That seems incredible. Are you really sure it was *2,003* pigs?”
The farmer starts to look really upset but again just nods his head.
“Well, my editor wanted me to check it out, because 2,003 pigs just seems like a lot and…”
At this point the farmer, now red faced and steaming, shouts,  “Yeth, yeth! Two thows and three pigth! Now leave me alone!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oz14o/2003_pigs/
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Two blondes meet, one says: "I did a pregnancy test today."

The other one: "Was it hard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oz0hd/two_blondes_meet_one_says_i_did_a_pregnancy_test/
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A young woman, let's call her Emma...

... Loses her arms in a tragic bear accident. After healing, she decides to go get a job. The local church decides to find her some work she can do even without arms. She is hired as the new organ player.
Needless to say, her first day as an organ player goes poorly. She quits in shame.
The church decides to hire Emma for another job. She will drive the bus to and from the kids' camps.
But Emma, sans arms, cannot do this job either! She quits in shame.
Finally, there is another job opening at the church, and Emma determines that she will find a way to do this job, whatever it takes! The job is as the bell ringer.
When 1:00 comes around, Emma attempts to ring the bell to no avail. Exasperated, she runs - face first - into the bell, and it let's out a satisfying *bong*.
2:00. *bong, bong*.
3:00 and 4:00 come, and Emma continues to ring the bell. By now she's developed quite a headache. But the day goes on.
5 and 6 and 7 and 8 come and go. *Bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong*.
The headache is nearly debilitating. Slamming her face into the bell nine, ten, and eleven times, Emma calls out in pain.
12:00. Nothing.
With no bell ringing, the parishioners become confused. They move up into the tower to investigate, and see Emma lying bloodied, armless, and unconscious on the floor.
"Who is that?" says one parishioner to another.
"I don't know", replied the second, "But her face sure rings a bell".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oz02m/a_young_woman_lets_call_her_emma/
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70-year-old ass

There’s a sweet old couple happily living life. One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, "The doctor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old."
The husband replies, "Oh really? And what did he say about your 70-year-old ass?"
She replied, "He never mentioned you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oyyj8/70yearold_ass/
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When life gives you melons...

You're probably dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oyx4f/when_life_gives_you_melons/
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Did you hear about the mailman that always delivers the same letter twice?

It's a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oyqmo/did_you_hear_about_the_mailman_that_always/
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Weight losers

The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.
"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."
Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oyo82/weight_losers/
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Grandpa, why don't you have life insurance?

So you guys'll be extra sad when I die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oyo5q/grandpa_why_dont_you_have_life_insurance/
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"You're so funny, kind, and beautiful." "Oh come on, you're just saying that so I will sleep with you."

"And you're smart too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oyo0b/youre_so_funny_kind_and_beautiful_oh_come_on/
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You know how it is in life. When one door closes, another one opens.

"Yes very nice, but I'm not buying the car until you fix that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oynrh/you_know_how_it_is_in_life_when_one_door_closes/
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"Father, I have a confession to make. Yesterday I cheated on my wife with two 18 year old girls."

"Alright. When you get home, squeeze out 18 lemons and drink it all at once."
"And that will free me from my sin?" "No, but it'll free your face from that dirty smile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oynja/father_i_have_a_confession_to_make_yesterday_i/
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A Father put his 3 years old daughter to bed, told her a story

and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going
home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oymeg/a_father_put_his_3_years_old_daughter_to_bed_told/
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Relationships are like smartphones.....

You look at your iPhone 7 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oyh15/relationships_are_like_smartphones/
%
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because its pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oyeyf/why_shouldnt_you_write_with_a_broken_pencil/
%
A school hired a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college

On the teacher's first day, the principal decides to sit in her class to observe and takes a seat next to Little Johnny. As the class progresses, the teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board. Suddenly, she drops the chalk on the floor and bends down to pick it up. When she straightens back up, she finishes writing the sentence and says. "Now class, who can translate the sentence I just wrote?
Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Yes, Johnny" says the teacher.
Little Johnny says, "if the skirt was a bit shorter, I'd hit it."
Naturally flustered, the teacher yells out, "Johnny! That is disgusting and very rude! Get out of my class right now!"
As Little Johnny is packing his things, he hits the principal on the head with his Spanish textbook and says. "And you Mister, if you don't know your shit, keep your damn mouth shut!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oydq3/a_school_hired_a_new_spanish_teacher_fresh_out_of/
%
There was a woman breastfeeding her child next to me.

I looked at her and said, "Do you never feel like perverts are giving you weird looks when you do that in public?"
She smiled, and said, "Oh no, not really."
I said, "Phew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oycj9/there_was_a_woman_breastfeeding_her_child_next_to/
%
What's the difference between Logan Paul and a WW2 US soldier?

One shoots dead Japs and the other shoots Japs dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oybyx/whats_the_difference_between_logan_paul_and_a_ww2/
%
A police officer stopped me on the highway

He told me "Papers, please".
I responded with "Scissors, I win !" and went back on my way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oy9qo/a_police_officer_stopped_me_on_the_highway/
%
Two cannibals are sitting around the fire...

Two cannibals are sitting around the fire.
The first one says, “I really don’t like your mother-in-law.”
The other one says, “It’s ok... just eat the noodles...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oy9j5/two_cannibals_are_sitting_around_the_fire/
%
“Fucking kids are expensive”, I said

“Is”, my lawyer replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oy9i2/fucking_kids_are_expensive_i_said/
%
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician.

I have a Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oy8cq/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_is_a_sound_technician/
%
I messed up while sexting with Kim Jong Un.

"Send Nukes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oy78t/i_messed_up_while_sexting_with_kim_jong_un/
%
Why are there no 'Yo Pappa" jokes?

Because yo Mamma so fat, she ate them all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oy70v/why_are_there_no_yo_pappa_jokes/
%
How many people does it take to make a mistake?

In your case, two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oy5kk/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_make_a_mistake/
%
Why Mexicans can't play uno?

They take all the green cards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oy1ox/why_mexicans_cant_play_uno/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oy1c1/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
I predict a major trend in the years to come...

Young will become the new old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oy0ps/i_predict_a_major_trend_in_the_years_to_come/
%
You can't even be a babysitter these days without someone getting offended.

And calling you a "home intruder".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oxuce/you_cant_even_be_a_babysitter_these_days_without/
%
What is communism?

- Let me explain.. If you had 2 yachts and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- Of course.
- Well, that's communism. Another example, if you had 2 homes and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- Of course I would.
- See, its easy. If you had 2 coats for example and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- No!
- No? Why not?
- Because I *do* have 2 coats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oxu0d/what_is_communism/
%
How does a Muslim close a door?

Islam's it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oxtbc/how_does_a_muslim_close_a_door/
%
I once tried eating the sands of time...

It was very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oxsns/i_once_tried_eating_the_sands_of_time/
%
A professional photographer with a 10' penis was caught revealing himself to passers by on a busy high street yesterday

He's been arrested and charged for the long exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oxri1/a_professional_photographer_with_a_10_penis_was/
%
I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants…

Feefiphobia…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oxpfd/ive_been_diagnosed_with_a_chronic_fear_of_giants/
%
Bloody foreigner.

Coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oxfob/bloody_foreigner/
%
Trump calls himself a “stable genius”.

He must mean he’s an Einstein at shoveling horse shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oxdgz/trump_calls_himself_a_stable_genius/
%
My mom: You know, I love you very much. I'll fight with anyone who messes with you.

Me: You must have a lot of internal conflict
Sister: *gasp*
Mom: ....
Note: mom teased teased us a lot when we were kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ox755/my_mom_you_know_i_love_you_very_much_ill_fight/
%
Long/Sexist (On mobile and I can’t find the flair) A priest and a woman are walking up the Gates of Heaven when they’re greeted by St. Peter

St. Peter tells them “Sorry, we’re packed today, we can only allow in whichever one of you supported God the most.
So he looks about both of their informations for each of their lives, and he decides to pick the woman.
Of course, the Priest was astonished. He had spent his entire life worshipping the Lord, and he’s baptized so many people. So he asks “How did she get in, and not me?”
St. Peter replies “Because, her entire life, whenever someone was in her car while she’s driving, they always scream  “OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ox4dr/longsexist_on_mobile_and_i_cant_find_the_flair_a/
%
Good manners in bed

Girl Friend: I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table ...
Boy friend climbs into bed slowly & says: Honey, would you pass the boobs please?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ox32x/good_manners_in_bed/
%
Hey girl are you an electron?

Because you’re so damn negative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ox2g1/hey_girl_are_you_an_electron/
%
My girlfriend likes to pretend she's 13 whenever we have sex

but I told her it's pointless because she'll be 13 next month anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7owzyy/my_girlfriend_likes_to_pretend_shes_13_whenever/
%
Walmart Interview

A manager at walmart was interviewing 4 candidates in a group interview. He asked the 4 candidates "What the fastest thing you know of?"
The first man said "A THOUGHT. It
just pops into your head!"
The second man said "Hmm... let me THINK." after a couple of minutes to prove that a thought is not the fastest, he said "A blink! Blinks happen instantly!"
The third man wanting to show that his answer was the most intelligent said "Light.. Light travels at 299,792 kilometers per second."
The manager was highly impressed with the 3rd candidates answer!
Bubba, the 4th candidate laughed and said "DIARRHEA!! You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had done **** in my pants.
Bubba is now a greeter at a Walmart near you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7owxd6/walmart_interview/
%
In a shop window I saw an ad , "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full"

Couldn't turn it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7owx5i/in_a_shop_window_i_saw_an_ad_tv_for_5_volume/
%
There's only one Japanese tradition that Logan Paul should explore.

Seppuku.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oww1k/theres_only_one_japanese_tradition_that_logan/
%
I told my Asian parents that i am Asexual

They were disappointed that i wasn't A+sexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7owvw3/i_told_my_asian_parents_that_i_am_asexual/
%
A soldier’s wife sends him.......

....a nude photograph of herself with both legs wide open.
She adds the message, “Love, I’ll wait for you like this till you return.”
Soldier: “Oh, that’s nice but who took that photo?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7owvi1/a_soldiers_wife_sends_him/
%
Rude people say "Go fuck yourself!"

Polite people say "You do you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7owsps/rude_people_say_go_fuck_yourself/
%
Joke rules for my house:

First of all, most all jokes are acceptable in this house.. except abortion jokes. Because jokes are all about the delivery...
Absolutely no PMS jokes. Period.  No sexual assault jokes.. thats a touchy subject. Dead baby jokes on the other hand.. never get old!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7owqne/joke_rules_for_my_house/
%
Where did they put criminal geometrists?

The concave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oweo7/where_did_they_put_criminal_geometrists/
%
What kind of plant is the scariest?

bamBOO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ow6ld/what_kind_of_plant_is_the_scariest/
%
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...

Girls would soon find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ovrgr/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
%
A soldier is on patrol in Afghanistan...

He comes upon an Afghan farmer at his farm.
"How is everything here on your farm? Are you treating your animals well?"
"Yes," replies the Afghan, "very well."
"Great," says the soldier. He looks over and sees a cow in the barn.
"You mind if I ask the cow how you're treating her?"
"Crazy American, cow no talk," says the farmer.
Regardless, the soldier approaches the cow and starts chatting with it, asking it how things are going. "Well, he takes good care of me. He milks me every morning and keeps us in good pastures with good grass to eat. I'm doing just fine."
The farmer's mouth is agape as he cannot believe what he is hearing! The soldier returns to the farmer's side and asks, "How bout the horse? Can I chat with him about the farm?"
The farmer replies, somewhat hesitantly, "Horse no talk." But the soldier approaches the horse, asks him how things are, and the horse says, "Things are pretty good. The farmer brings me fresh hay every week and we go riding every Friday to check the fences. Not bad at all, very happy to be here."
The farmer nearly can't believe his own eyes and ears. He is scratching his head in bewilderment as the soldier returns.
The soldier says, "So, how about I talk to your goat..."
The Afghan farmer quickly yells, "Goat liar! Goat liar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ovowc/a_soldier_is_on_patrol_in_afghanistan/
%
Two poets die at the same time and they meet St. Peter at the pearly gates...

St. Peter says"ah, it's great to see you guys,  but we have a small problem... we only have room for one of you." The two poets look at each other not sure what to do,  then St. Peter says " I have an idea,  since you guys are poets lets have a contest,  best poem gets to stay in heaven,  the other... well you know." The poets nod thinking it's a great idea. Then St. Peter says "there is only one hitch,  the poem must end in Timbuktu." Well the two poets go off to write their poems.  Couple weeks later they meet up with St. Peter again. "Good to see you guys again,  are you ready" says St. Peter. The poets nod and the first one steps up to the podium,  clearing his throat he starts..." twas walking along the ocean shore,  listening to the ocean roar,  spied a ship come into view destination Timbuktu..." Well both St. Peter and the other poet were very impressed. Feeling a little nervous the second poet steps up and starts his poem hoping for the best.  "Tim and I, a walking we went,  spied three maidens in a tent, since they were three and us but two, I bucked one and Timbuktu..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ovm6e/two_poets_die_at_the_same_time_and_they_meet_st/
%
I used to work at a calendar factory.

But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ovm1h/i_used_to_work_at_a_calendar_factory/
%
Why did it take Knuckles seven days to escape the corn maze?

He didn’t know da wae.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ovlf1/why_did_it_take_knuckles_seven_days_to_escape_the/
%
I have a friend who was frozen to absolute zero once....

He was 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ovjsy/i_have_a_friend_who_was_frozen_to_absolute_zero/
%
A pirate walks into a bar, then stuffs a steering wheel into his pants...

The bartender asks, "Isn't that uncomfortable?" So the pirate says, "Arrr, it be drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ovj8q/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_then_stuffs_a_steering/
%
I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ovheg/i_was_pretty_excited_when_i_heard_logan_paul_went/
%
Speak English

A Lufthansa airliner is parked at the gate at Munich airport. Its pilot requests something from the tower in German.
Tower responds in English, "If you'd like to say something, say it in English."
The Lufthansa pilot asks in English, "Tower, why do I, a German, flying a German aircraft, in Germany, have to speak in English?"
Then a British Airways pilot chimes in, saying, "Because you lost the bloody war."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ovf6x/speak_english/
%
How do oceans say hi to each other?

They wave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ovf12/how_do_oceans_say_hi_to_each_other/
%
story about a couple who had been happily married for years with one issue

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ovd79/story_about_a_couple_who_had_been_happily_married/
%
A wimpy-looking fellow is sitting in the corner of the bar, all by himself, staring at a beer instead of drinking it...

An hour passes, and Bubba, the local bully decides to mess with him. He walks up, grabs the man's glass and downs it in a few gulps. He slams the glass down and says, "There! That's how a man drinks a goddamn beer, you fucking pussy!"
The little guy looks up at him in horror, and then busts out sobbing.
"Ah, come on, man!" says bubba. "It was just a little joke. You don't gotta cry like such a little bitch."
"You don't understand!" the wimpy guy says. "Today is just the worst day of my entire life. First, I get up and go to work, only to find out I've been fired after 25 years. 25 years! Oh, God! No big deal, though, right? I have savings. I'l make it. So I go home, and I find a note on my coffee table. My wife says she's cleaned out our savings account and run off with my best friend. 'Fuck you!' she says. Oh, God! I was so upset, I got in my car to back out of the driveway, and I ran over my dog. Killed him, just like that! Poor old Barney! Oh, God! At that point, I decided fuck it. I'm just going to kill myself! So I come down here to for one last beer, and you... you... son of a bitch!"
"What about me?" says Bubba, thinking the little guy is gonna take a swing at him.
"You go and drink my poison!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ovcuh/a_wimpylooking_fellow_is_sitting_in_the_corner_of/
%
Did you hear about Tom Hiddleston's secret audition to be in the next Marvel movie? Apparently he dropped his voice an octave to throw the casting director off balance...

He was auditioning as a low key, low-key, Loki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ov8jc/did_you_hear_about_tom_hiddlestons_secret/
%
My friend Craig got me those sunglasses for colourblind people; yesterday I saw colour for the first time.

Turns out, Craig is black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ov49b/my_friend_craig_got_me_those_sunglasses_for/
%
Whats the easiest way to charge someone 3 grand?

Press their Life Alert button

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ov3fp/whats_the_easiest_way_to_charge_someone_3_grand/
%
My girlfriend laughed at me when I said I was going to make a spaghetti car.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ov2ou/my_girlfriend_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_was/
%
One night, a boy dreamt that his grandmother was about to die.

When morning came and the boy woke up, he told his father about the dream he had. The father paid no mind to the dream until later that day when, as the clock struck midnight, the father received a call from his own father, informing him of his mother's heart attack and subsequent death.
A month later, the boy once again dreamt of a death in the family, this time his cousin's. Again, he told his father about the dream the next day and lo behold, a cousin of his did indeed die at midnight, the same day.
Another month after that, the boy again had a dream. In this dream, it was an aunt of his' turn to rest in peace. Sure enough, by 12 o'clock midnight, one of the boy's aunts passed away.
Sensing a pattern, the father began to believe that his son's dreams were prophetic in nature, which is why he was horrified to hear about his son's dreams a month later.
Son: "Daddy will die"
He was dumbfounded. He frantically searched for a safe hiding spot as he tightly gripped his phone in case he needed to make a call for an ambulance. He hid himself in the closet as he waited anxiously till midnight. The next day, he got out of the closet breathing a huge sigh of relief. He was baffled, and he felt stupid for being fooled into believing a mere coincidence. That is, until he heard the loud crying and mourning of his wife from the living room.
The father ran as fast as he could only to find his wife sitting on the floor, sobbing, with a phone on hand.
Father: "What happened?! Is everything okay?"
Mother: "Dave! I received a call, your best friend just died last night!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ov2ia/one_night_a_boy_dreamt_that_his_grandmother_was/
%
A first grade class walks in from recess...

The teacher asks Sarah: What did you do doing recess?
Sarah replied: I played in the sandbox.
The teacher says: “That’s good. Go to the blackboard and if you can write ‘sand’ correctly I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.
She does and gets a cookie. The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris said: “I played with Sarah in the sandbox”
The teacher says: “Good, if you can write ‘box’ correctly on the blackboard I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie”
Morris does and gets a cookie. The teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says: “I tried to play in the sandbox with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me.”
The teacher says: “Threw rocks at you?That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’. I’ll give you a cookie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ov1ea/a_first_grade_class_walks_in_from_recess/
%
I got thrown out of the cinema for throwing popcorn at the back of people's heads.

I also lost my job behind the popcorn counter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ov0j3/i_got_thrown_out_of_the_cinema_for_throwing/
%
Why did the condom quit working?

Some dick pissed him off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ouxtw/why_did_the_condom_quit_working/
%
My girlfriend was down with the flu, but still insisted on having sex.

What a sick fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ouqij/my_girlfriend_was_down_with_the_flu_but_still/
%
What’s the difference between a tube and a funny Dutchman?

One is a hollow cylinder, and the other is a silly Hollander!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ounis/whats_the_difference_between_a_tube_and_a_funny/
%
What's Harry Potter's favourite way of getting down a hill?

Walking.
JK rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oukam/whats_harry_potters_favourite_way_of_getting_down/
%
On January 1st I joked to my wife we haven’t had sex all year.

Just like last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ouk69/on_january_1st_i_joked_to_my_wife_we_havent_had/
%
The schwanky nightclub

An American, a Frenchman, a Brit,a German, a Russian, a Canadian, a Mexican, a Nicaraguan, a Honduran, a Nepalese, an Argentinian, a Peruvian, a Uruguayan, a Colombian, a Guatemalan, a Nigerian, a Moroccan, a South African, a Malayan,a Malaysian, an Indonesian, a Cambodian, a Viet, a Korean, a Japanese, a Belarusian, a Georgian, a Lebanese, a Jordanian, an Israeli, an Afghani, a Pakistani, an Arabian, a Turk, a Greek, a Macedonian, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Swede, a Scot, a Dutch, a Fin, an Icelander, a Spaniard, a Portuguese, an Armenian, a Cambodian, an Estonian, a Pole, an Uzbek, a Laotian, a Polynesian, a Dominican, a Cuban, an Australian, a Filipino, a Belgian, a Swiss, a Monacan, a Mongolian and a Dane all walk up to the bouncer at a schwanky nightclub.
The bouncer explains to the crowd:
"Sorry, I can't let you guys in without a Thai"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ouk3u/the_schwanky_nightclub/
%
A guy accidentally cut himself with a chainsaw

He'll Stihl be feeling that in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oucoa/a_guy_accidentally_cut_himself_with_a_chainsaw/
%
I always talk to tattooed girls...

.. becuse I know they are fine with being hit on by a guy with a smal prick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oubwi/i_always_talk_to_tattooed_girls/
%
My home town are having their annual incest competition...

I’m thinking of entering my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ou5pb/my_home_town_are_having_their_annual_incest/
%
What does an Indian do when he's cold?

He shivas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ou4yq/what_does_an_indian_do_when_hes_cold/
%
My dog ate my computer’s hard drive.

He took a megabyte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ou303/my_dog_ate_my_computers_hard_drive/
%
Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He said I was doing fairly well for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then He asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" "I said, "Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't.." I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive motor-cycles, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No..I said..."
He looked at me and said.. "Then, why do you even give a shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ou08a/will_i_live_to_see_80/
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[NSFW] I got a little suspicious when my girlfriend of 3 years suddenly changed her ring tone

She had never bleached her asshole before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7otzon/nsfw_i_got_a_little_suspicious_when_my_girlfriend/
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A wise teacher once told me...

"Don't ever start anything with a quote!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7otxyu/a_wise_teacher_once_told_me/
%
I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7otwzh/i_hate_it_when_homeless_people_shake_their_change/
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Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more would be two farty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ott2h/why_do_the_irish_only_put_239_beans_in_their_soup/
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My Mum told me to scrub the floor the other day.

I refused, it was beneath me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7otpzo/my_mum_told_me_to_scrub_the_floor_the_other_day/
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How long is the longest river in Africa?

I don’t know, but it goes on for niles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7otmwr/how_long_is_the_longest_river_in_africa/
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What is R2-D2's favorite style of music?

Beep-boxing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7otlhn/what_is_r2d2s_favorite_style_of_music/
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Why did the lawyer lose his case?

His client was a thief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7otlbc/why_did_the_lawyer_lose_his_case/
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Why don't Orthodox Jews drink lemonade?

Its a little too Hasidic for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7otk0d/why_dont_orthodox_jews_drink_lemonade/
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I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing a woman at the party. Infuriated, I immediately went over there, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7otj9d/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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Old man and his new car

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7otj8d/old_man_and_his_new_car/
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Where do poor italians live?

In the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7otbna/where_do_poor_italians_live/
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The Goat Joke. (dirty)

So this guy gets stranded on a desert island and he's there alone for years. The only fun thing he can do to pass the time is jerk off. After a while he gets sick of it though and wants to have sex. But the only other living thing on this island is this goat. So he decides he's going to fuck the goat. But every time he gets hard and behind the goat, the goat takes off. The goat wants nothing to do with it. So he gives up.
A couple years later he's sitting on the beach and he see some splashing in the water, so he swims out there only to find a beautiful woman who's drowning. She's also naked. So he brings her to shore and she's so grateful. She says. "Oh my God, thank you for saving me. I'm so grateful. I'll do anything to repay you, ANYTHING!."
The man gets a sly look in his eyes and points toward the hill and says. "Well, would you hold down that goat for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ot7ve/the_goat_joke_dirty/
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How does a cabin get on the internet?

It logs in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7osnce/how_does_a_cabin_get_on_the_internet/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oslq8/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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Would anybody like to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7osgb1/would_anybody_like_to_buy_a_broken_barometer/
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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7osbkc/i_tried_to_share_a_bag_of_chips_with_a_homeless/
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I think my family might be racist

I bought my black girlfriend over to meet them, and my wife wouldn't even talk to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7osa1z/i_think_my_family_might_be_racist/
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What did one Egyptian guy say to the other when they farted next to each other?

We have a Tutankhamun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7os7ko/what_did_one_egyptian_guy_say_to_the_other_when/
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I complained to my girlfriend that we haven't had sex all year.

"Speak for yourself," she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7os74s/i_complained_to_my_girlfriend_that_we_havent_had/
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Ugh, I hate millenials...

Walking around here like they rent the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7os6tp/ugh_i_hate_millenials/
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Door to door Vaseline survey

(this might have made more sense back in the days when people actually went door-to-door instead of having everything on the net)
A man knocks on the door of a house, and a lady in her late 20's answers.
"Good afternoon, ma'am, I'm a representative of the Vaseline Petrolium Jelly company, and we're doing a survey about our product. Do you have a couple of moments?"
She says "Why yes, sure.  Go ahead"
"First, do you use our product in your home?"
"Yes, certainly."
"May I ask what you might use the product for?"
"Oh, probably all the expected things. I put it on small scrapes the kids get on the playground. Chapped lips in the Winter. My husband applies a thin layer on his tools to prevent rust form forming.  Nothing unusual."
The man writes all this down, and continues.
"Ma'am, I apologize for asking this next question, but it's on the form; your answers will be kept strictly confidential, and it helps us make a better product. Do you and your husband use Vaseline for any sexual purposes?"
She pauses, blushes slightly, and glances around to see if any neighbors are within earshot.
In an embarassed voice and a slight giggle, she says "Well... yes, we do".
"Again, maam, I apologize, but can you please be specific about *exactly* how you use the product?"
"Well..." she says "... we put it on the doorknob to the bedroom so the kids can't get in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7os63s/door_to_door_vaseline_survey/
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Don't worry if you miss 4:20

Just wait 2 minutes as it is 4:22

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7os3j5/dont_worry_if_you_miss_420/
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A weird pizza fact

Volume of a pizza having radius Z and thickness A is Pi x Z x Z x A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7os3bv/a_weird_pizza_fact/
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A father finds a magic lamp...

and when he rubs it, a genie pops out and offers to grant him anything he wants.
The man asks for a unicorn for his daughter.
The genie says unicorns aren't even real, try to be more realistic.
So the man decides to ask the genie to let the Browns win a single game.
The genie sighs and asks the man what color unicorn his daughter would prefer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7os1js/a_father_finds_a_magic_lamp/
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Pickle slicer

Joe worked in a pickle factory.  He would go in every day with an overwhelming desire to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.  The desire was so overwhelming and embarrassing that he sought professional help.
For a year, the therapist talked with him, tried to redirect his thinking, but nothing seemed to work.  Finally the therapist said "If it is so overwhelming, just do it already!"
The next day, Joe got home early from work. His wife was concerned, so he told her, for the first time, about his desire to stick his penis in to the pickle slicer, his therapy, and that he finally did it.
Horrified, the wife goes over, takes down his pants only to find him intact and nothing missing.  Puzzled, she says "Well, what happened to the pickle slicer?"
" I think she got fired too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oryh5/pickle_slicer/
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Two blondes are walking through the woods....

They come across a set of tracks. The first blonde says “these are moose tracks!” The second blonde replies “those are definitely bear tracks. I’ve never even seen a moose around here.” The first blonde says “nope, those are certainly moose tracks. I just saw a moose yesterday.” So they continue to argue for another half hour until they get hit by the train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oryar/two_blondes_are_walking_through_the_woods/
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Once a tap and a sink went to a bar.

The tap went in but the sink wasn't allowed to enter.
He said to the bouncer today is the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be again. Let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7orxsq/once_a_tap_and_a_sink_went_to_a_bar/
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They say love is like drugs, which makes sense to me.

Because nobody ever offered me any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7orvp8/they_say_love_is_like_drugs_which_makes_sense_to/
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What kind of music do mummies listen to?

Wrap music

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7orr0n/what_kind_of_music_do_mummies_listen_to/
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I'm reading a book where someone keeps adding soil to the protagonist's garden.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7orobv/im_reading_a_book_where_someone_keeps_adding_soil/
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What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7orl3b/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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Two men are speeding when they get pulled over......

The driver tells his passenger, "I'll take care of this." As soon as the cop approaches, the man leans out and tells the cop, Just to let you know, I have a loaded gun in the glove box."
The cop orders them out of the car, face down on the sidewalk, cuffs them and backs over to his radio to call backup and his commander.
While they're waiting, the driver says, "Lets get it out of the way, the car is stolen and there's a kilo of coke in the trunk."
The passenger is freaking out. The driver lifts his head ever so slightly off the sidewalk and winks to him.
Finally the commander and half the police department arrive and toss the car.
The commander grabs the driver, and hauls him up face to face and screams "What the hell is going on? My officer says you have a loaded handgun in the glove box, but there's nothing but napkins and insurance papers in there! He says, the car's stolen but its registered to you! And he says there's drugs in the trunk, but it's completely empty!"
The driver looks him dead in the eye and says, "next you'll tell me that son of a bitch told you I was speeding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7orj1l/two_men_are_speeding_when_they_get_pulled_over/
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Custody Case

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oripz/custody_case/
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A gay couple set off for their honeymoon

On the plane to Hawaii one says "I've got a kinky idea, what if we had sex?"
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it" replied the other.
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
He stands up and asks loudly, "Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?"
So they proceed to have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ori9g/a_gay_couple_set_off_for_their_honeymoon/
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Jokes are like Boomerangs

Fuck you Dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ore93/jokes_are_like_boomerangs/
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My brother and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oramb/my_brother_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
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Two Germans walk into a bar

and they both order a sherry.
"Dry?"
"Nein, zwei."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7or9ry/two_germans_walk_into_a_bar/
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I thought I was on The Voice this morning

I farted on the bus and four people turned around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7or99u/i_thought_i_was_on_the_voice_this_morning/
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The new Slenderman​ movie is coming out

It's the most anticipated movie of 2011

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7or73x/the_new_slenderman_movie_is_coming_out/
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What do you call a midget fortune teller on the run from the police?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7or70y/what_do_you_call_a_midget_fortune_teller_on_the/
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What happens when you put two gay guys in a blender?

It becomes a Grindr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7or6qh/what_happens_when_you_put_two_gay_guys_in_a/
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How many introverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Does it really have to be a group task?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7or6gl/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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There's a guy threatening to kill me if I don't make a bread joke.

I'm toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7or4a9/theres_a_guy_threatening_to_kill_me_if_i_dont/
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My nan caught me having a wank when I was 15 and had a stroke

She has such soft hands...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7or3ln/my_nan_caught_me_having_a_wank_when_i_was_15_and/
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I just got arrested for buying bug spray at a store

Apparently you're not allowed to get Off in public

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7or306/i_just_got_arrested_for_buying_bug_spray_at_a/
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A man is drowning his sorrows at a bar.

Over his beer, he tells the bartender, "I built this bar, you know, and many other buildings over the years. But do they call me McGregor the builder? No, they do not.
Look outside. Do you see that road? I built that too, and many others over the years. Do they call me McGregor the road builder? No, they do not.
How about that garden over there. All those trees, flowers, bushes, grass, I planted it all. Just look at it flourish. Indeed, I have planted many gardens over the years. But do they call me McGregor the gardener? No, they do not.
Look beyond that, do you see that pier? I built that too, and many others over the years. Am I known as McGregor the pier builder? No, I am not.
This beer I'm drinking, as we speak. I founded the company. Brewed this very batch. It is a beer loved and cherished by all. I have also made whiskey, vodka, wine, and gin. Do they call me McGregor the brewer? No, they do not.
You fuck *ONE* goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7or0ii/a_man_is_drowning_his_sorrows_at_a_bar/
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

1 in 52 million has the chance at becoming a human being.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oqxrb/what_do_lawyers_and_sperm_have_in_common/
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She told me I couldn't play any more Bob Seger.

I said "Just take those old records off the shelf. I'll sit and listen to them by myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oquzb/she_told_me_i_couldnt_play_any_more_bob_seger/
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What do dyslexic gays love?

Alan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oquq5/what_do_dyslexic_gays_love/
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A plumber is called to a house with nobody home

When he arrived there was a note that read "sorry we can't be home but here's a key to let yourself in. Beware of Spike the dog, and whatever you do, DO NOT talk to the parrot"
The guy walks into the house and sees a big doberman, but it seems calm so he goes about his business.
While he's working, the parrot shouts a torrent of abuse at him while the dog seems really chilled out. The parrot keeps saying things like "you won't find any food down there chubs" and "try not to have a heart attack you fat fuck".
Eventually he finishes the job and the parrot says "thank fuck you put that ass crack away" and the plumber snaps. He says to the parrot "you're a fucking arsehole" and the parrot replies "Spike, attack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oqt7i/a_plumber_is_called_to_a_house_with_nobody_home/
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Buy a tie

A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried towards ‘the object’ only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban fighter asked, “Do you have water?!!?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban fighter shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! "
“Okay” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom”.
Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oqrir/buy_a_tie/
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My friend said "What rhymes with orange"

No it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oqpx2/my_friend_said_what_rhymes_with_orange/
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What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

Are you having a crisis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oqn8k/what_do_you_say_to_your_sister_when_shes_crying/
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It's the World Cup final

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oqimf/its_the_world_cup_final/
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I need to know what did Logan Paul do!

Seriously guys, don't leave me hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oqeco/i_need_to_know_what_did_logan_paul_do/
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Three guys stranded on a desert island

find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oq9ih/three_guys_stranded_on_a_desert_island/
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If you lead a horse to a blender...

...then you can make a horse-drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oq6a8/if_you_lead_a_horse_to_a_blender/
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2- One to screw it in most of the way, and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oq4zy/how_many_mystery_writers_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret?

Break her fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oq4xb/how_do_you_get_helen_keller_to_keep_a_secret/
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How to confuse a gay person?

Seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oq3fb/how_to_confuse_a_gay_person/
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What has two legs and is red all over?

Half a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oq3d5/what_has_two_legs_and_is_red_all_over/
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

Carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oq2a3/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a handbag

She said thanks for the baghdad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oq1da/a_father_in_iraq_gifted_his_daughter_a_handbag/
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A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oq0fm/a_flight_attendant_sees_a_suspicious_couple_on/
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How do you stop a Mormon from drinking all the beer at your party?

Invite a second Mormon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opzz4/how_do_you_stop_a_mormon_from_drinking_all_the/
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My wife says that I fuck like a rabbit ...

but I do not see how she can judge me in 20 seconds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opy36/my_wife_says_that_i_fuck_like_a_rabbit/
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Quantum physics has its ups and downs

But it all quarks out in the end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opxcm/quantum_physics_has_its_ups_and_downs/
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Our children are our future

Non existent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opszi/our_children_are_our_future/
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My dad is like the tv

My mom never seems to turn it on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opsow/my_dad_is_like_the_tv/
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My pet gecko wouldn't move

Vet says he has 'a reptile dysfunction'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opsa7/my_pet_gecko_wouldnt_move/
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A man calls up White House & says:

*I want to be the next*
*PRESIDENT of USA*.
Operator: Are you an *idiot?*
Man: Is it *compulsory?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opqx8/a_man_calls_up_white_house_says/
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Andy Rooney on Sex

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory... I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the Whole Thing. He was happy with the Hole, and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
(Sorry for lame formatting on mobile)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opntj/andy_rooney_on_sex/
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A guy sits down at a bar and orders 3 beers

The bartender says, "Three beers for just yourself?"
The guy says, "Well, I'm drinking one for me, and the other two are for me brothers back home."
So a year goes by, and the guy had become a regular always ordering 3 beers, but one day he comes in and orders just 2 beers.
The bartender says, "Oh dear lad, what happened to your brother?"
The guy looks at the bartender confused.
"You only ordered two beers. Did something happen to one of your brothers?" The bartender asks.
The guy says, "Oh no, they're okay. I quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opksc/a_guy_sits_down_at_a_bar_and_orders_3_beers/
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Sad news from Australia

The inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opjwk/sad_news_from_australia/
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On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven’t had sex all year.

It’s getting less funnier each day I tell her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opj23/on_january_1st_i_joked_to_my_girlfriend_we_havent/
%
I heard what happened in the Japanese Suicide forest

I’m appauled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opix2/i_heard_what_happened_in_the_japanese_suicide/
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Why do Swedish ships have barcodes?

So they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opiqy/why_do_swedish_ships_have_barcodes/
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Why don’t you know when a pterodactyl goes to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opg8z/why_dont_you_know_when_a_pterodactyl_goes_to_the/
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There's 1000 black guys and 1 white guy. What do you call the white guy?

A warden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opg7b/theres_1000_black_guys_and_1_white_guy_what_do/
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Wanna watch Porn or Golf?

Her: Porn.. you already know how to golf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7opf64/wanna_watch_porn_or_golf/
%
I robbed an ohmless man last night.

There was no resistance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7op6uq/i_robbed_an_ohmless_man_last_night/
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"You dirty-mouth pigs! In this country we dont talk about our dirty sex lives in public"

Two men with strong accents are having a conversation on the bus and a lady behind then eavesdrops.
"Emma comma first. Den I come. Den two esses acomma together. I come once-a-more. Two esses, dey comma together again. I comma again and pee twice. Den I comma one last time."
"You dirty-mouth pigs! In this country we dont talk about our dirty sex lives in public" says the lady.
"hey what´sa matter for you" says the man. "Ima justa tellin ma frienda how to spell "Mississippi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7op4qf/you_dirtymouth_pigs_in_this_country_we_dont_talk/
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Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Cause the grass tickles their balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7op3k0/why_do_midgets_laugh_when_they_run/
%
Man, I got banned from a dating website because I broke the "no dicks, boobs or asshole pictures" rule.

I didn't notice Trump on TV in the background.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7op2z8/man_i_got_banned_from_a_dating_website_because_i/
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Man walks into tattoo shop...

Says to the artist "I'd like to get a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on my dick".
"$100 tattooed on your dick? Give me 1 good reason why you'd want to that?" asks the tattoo artist.
"1 good reason? I'll give you 3." Says the man. "First, I love playing with my money. Second, I love to watch my money grow. But most importantly, the next time my wife wants to go out and blow $100 - I can tell her just to stay home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7op1lv/man_walks_into_tattoo_shop/
%
What is a scam artist's favorite card game?

Go phish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7op0j8/what_is_a_scam_artists_favorite_card_game/
%
Well me and the wife have doggy sex every night.

I  sit at the end of the bed panting and begging and she rolls over and plays dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ooxyi/well_me_and_the_wife_have_doggy_sex_every_night/
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[Long] The FBI, Scotland Yard, and the KGB are competing to find out who is a better investigative agency.

They release a rabbit in the woods, and whoever finds it quickest is declared the best investigative agency.
The FBI agent goes in first and investigates. He follows trails, asks questions to the other animals, and sets up Wanted posters throughout the forest. He continues this for a week until coming to the conclusion *there is no rabbit in the forest.*
Scotland Yard goes next and does the same thing. They ask questions, set up surveillance, follow tracks, the whole nine yards. After a week and a half, they come to the conclusion *there is no rabbit in the forest.*
The KGB goes last, and within 5 hours, a scratched, bruised bear runs out of the forest proclaiming “I admit! I admit! I am the rabbit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ooxpy/long_the_fbi_scotland_yard_and_the_kgb_are/
%
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start

BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oouig/robin_the_batmobile_wont_start/
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Why do you only ever take 2 mormons fishing (instead of just one)?

Because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oosp4/why_do_you_only_ever_take_2_mormons_fishing/
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A priest, a rabbi and a minister.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oosjh/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_minister/
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What do you call someone with amazing equestrian skills?

A Stable Genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oos7d/what_do_you_call_someone_with_amazing_equestrian/
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How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer?

Just give it time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oop3f/how_do_you_turn_a_threedimensional_printer_into_a/
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What do Logan Paul and the kid from The Sixth Sense have in common?

Their careers ended after seeing dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oook0/what_do_logan_paul_and_the_kid_from_the_sixth/
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[Long] An old couple in their 80’s want to have a baby

So they go to the doctor, and due to their age the doctor recommends that they get physicals done. So he runs some tests and comes in and says that due to their old age he can’t really recommend conceiving a child, however he can’t say no because they are healthy enough for it.
He says that they need to do one final test, a sperm count, to see if they are viable. So he hands them a jar and says to fill it up and return it to him.
A few days go by and the couple returns, but the jar is empty. So the doctor asks what happened.
The man says “Well I tried it with my left hand, tried it with my right hand. Tried it with her left hand, tried it with her right hand! Tried with her teeth in... tried with her teeth out... but no matter what we tried, I couldn’t get this fuckin’ jar open!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oomuv/long_an_old_couple_in_their_80s_want_to_have_a/
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How do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?

A widow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oolie/how_do_you_call_a_woman_who_always_knows_where/
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why did we go straight to windows 10?

Because Windows 7 8 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ookfi/why_did_we_go_straight_to_windows_10/
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A woman filed a sexual harassment to the HR Department.

Hot employee: Sir I would like to file a complaint for sexual  harrassment to my boss.
HR employee: So what did he do or say to you ?
Hot employee: He said my hair smells sweet and lovely today.
HR employees : I don't see a problem there.  Aren't  you just overreacting a bit he just complimented that your hair smells good.
Hot employee: SIR!! You don't  understand my boss is a midget!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oojxm/a_woman_filed_a_sexual_harassment_to_the_hr/
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What did the prostitute say to her client when they concluded their transaction?

"It was a business doing pleasure with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oogcz/what_did_the_prostitute_say_to_her_client_when/
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A Roman walks into a bar...

He raises 2 fingers and says I'll have 5 drinks please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oog2l/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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I don't trust people when they say "nowadays you can get anything, anywhere!"

Because, how come my father is taking 10 years to find cigarettes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oo6rp/i_dont_trust_people_when_they_say_nowadays_you/
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oo4n3/a_man_boarded_an_airplane_and_took_his_seat/
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What do you call a dog with a tiny sound system?

A sub woofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oo1yi/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_a_tiny_sound_system/
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I invited my girlfriend to the gym, but I didn't show up

Hope she gets the message that we're not working out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7onuxy/i_invited_my_girlfriend_to_the_gym_but_i_didnt/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7onsrw/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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I was just on Trip Advisor and it was a complete waste of time!

There's absolutely *no* information about twisted ankles or skinned knees!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7onq1q/i_was_just_on_trip_advisor_and_it_was_a_complete/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.
My favorite joke I was told as a child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7onn62/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
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Little Johnny again.

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7onkox/little_johnny_again/
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i was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school...

i think next year i'll teach middle school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7onh5q/i_was_teased_about_my_penis_size_almost_every_day/
%
Sometimes I just sit in front of my mirror...

and reflect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ondwp/sometimes_i_just_sit_in_front_of_my_mirror/
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Dads are like boomerangs...

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7on4wv/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class

"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?
Little Johnny raised his hand and replied,
"That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."
The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?"
Little Johnny countered by saying, "That's because girls get boobs, and they are heavier than the guys' balls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7on4js/during_a_biology_class_the_teacher_asked_the_class/
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(STORY JOKE) A man goes to buy a used motorcycle from a car lot

As he is wrapping up his purchase, the salesmen hands him a jar of Vaseline and reminds him that there is a leak on the seal of the gas tank lid, and to wipe the seal with Vaseline prior to any kind of rainfall.
On the way home from the car lot, he receives a call from his girlfriend.
“Don’t forget we have dinner at my parents tonight!”
So he wheels straight over to his girlfriends parents house where dinner is being held. As he reaches the porch his girlfriend comes out and stops him short of the door.
“I forgot to tell you over the phone, don’t say ANYTHING over dinner, that is a rule my parents have. If you do, you have to do the dishes afterwards. No one has spoken at dinner in years.”
Thinking this is just his girlfriend acting weird, he just shrugged it off as he walked in. Upon entering the kitchen he realized that she wasn’t kidding; the dishes were EVERYWHERE. Stacked on the counters, above the refrigerator, microwave, island, you name it dishes were stuffed there.
In awe, he continues to the dining room and sits down for dinner. Again, like his girlfriend warned him, no one spoke. Just very awkward smiles and nods for greetings. Pointing and shoulder tapping for food to be past along the dining table.
After a while, the guy started getting restless, and wanted to see how far he could take the no talking rule. He stood up, picked his girlfriend up, set her on the table and started plowing her in front of her parents. The mom, furious because she’s the closest to them, and the father, who’s watching his daughter have the time of her life right before his eyes. But still, no one breaths a word. They finish up, sit back down and everyone goes back to eating.
A little later the guy starts having some more defiling thoughts, and proceeds to grab his girlfriends mother, pulls her dress up and bends her over the table, giving her the same treatment he did his girlfriend. The girlfriend is pissed now, the father is about to lose it, and the mom, who seems a little less upset about the whole situation now. Again, they finish up and everything goes back to normal.
Finally, after a nice home cooked meal, some dessert he didn’t even get to finish and he’s had his fun, the man starts contemplate how he is supposed to leave the dinner table after everything that has happened. When suddenly it starts to just POUR down rain outside. So the man gets up from the dinner table, reaches into his pocket and grabs his trusty jar of Vaseline and at this time the father gets up and screams “ALRIGHT!! I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7on0aw/story_joke_a_man_goes_to_buy_a_used_motorcycle/
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When I say I’m street smart...

... I mean Sesame Street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7on04q/when_i_say_im_street_smart/
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Son: Dad, what does gay mean?

Dad: It means happy.
Son: Are you gay?
Dad: No, I'm married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7on036/son_dad_what_does_gay_mean/
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If life hands you melons,

you may be dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7omzue/if_life_hands_you_melons/
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What is a jehovah witnesses favorite band?

The Doors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7omzm4/what_is_a_jehovah_witnesses_favorite_band/
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The horny rooster.

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried. Next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, and even the cow. Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster’s limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, “Shhhh!, they are about to land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7omz04/the_horny_rooster/
%
A minister registers at a hotel and says, "I hope the porn in my room is disabled."

The clerk looks up and responds, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7omxrw/a_minister_registers_at_a_hotel_and_says_i_hope/
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CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help
you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7omw1z/cheeseburger_150_chicken_sandwich_250_hand_job/
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A man goes to Hollywood to become a star

He records a demo reel of his best work and brings it to an agent. The agent says "this is some of the best stuff I have ever seen! Stand up, TV, plays, movies, LPs.... you have the talent to do it all! You're gonna be a star!" "I was hoping you would say that!" said the man excitedly". "There's just one problem" said the agent. "Oh no.... what is it?" "You're name. Hollywood is going to hate it." "I understand. I'll do what I have to do." "OK," says the agent. "Instead of Penis Van Lesbian let's use Dick Van Dyke!"
RIP Jerry. You will be missed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oms4u/a_man_goes_to_hollywood_to_become_a_star/
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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

...wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7omori/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
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Where do grammar Nazis fall on the political compass?

Alt-Write

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7omkvc/where_do_grammar_nazis_fall_on_the_political/
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A sandwich walks into a bar

Bartender says "we don't serve sandwiches."
Sandwich says "that's ok I just wanted a drink"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7omhty/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So a panda walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders: I'd like one whiskey.......and a coke please
The bartender brings him his drinks and asks:" Here you go, but why the big pause?"
The panda looks down to his hands and says:" I was born with them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7omhrg/so_a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two Men fishing and a Geni!!!

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7omcy2/two_men_fishing_and_a_geni/
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When you slap a greek statue's ass...

You know you've hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7omc6v/when_you_slap_a_greek_statues_ass/
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Three guys walk up to the gates of heaven

St Peter is standing there and says to them
"I'm sorry, but we only have room for worst case scenarios today."
The first guy walks up and says; " Well, heres my story - I've known my wife has been cheating on me for months, so yesterday I went home early, and sure enough, I found a man's pants in the hallway.
So I looked all over the house for him but couldn't find him.
Finally I walked out on the balcony, and there he was, hanging from my railing 10 stories above the ground, begging me to save him.
I started kicking and beating him, but he held on, so I got a hammer and smashed his fingers. He fell 10 stories, but landed in a bush, still alive.
So I went and got the fridge, and I dropped it on him. Unfortunately I died of a heart attack from all the effort, and here I am.
St Peter shakes his head and admits him into heaven and the second guy walks up.
He says; "Check this out, Every day for years Ive done exercises on my balcony. Yesterday I was working out and fell. Luckily I was able to grab the 10th floor railing, but I was just hanging there thinking I was going to die.
Then a man walks out on the balcony and I start begging him to help. Instead he starts kicking and beating me, but I hold on.
He gets a hammer and smashes my fingers and I end up falling 10 floors into some bushes. Im laying there amazed at being alive when a refridgerator lands on me... and here I am!
St Peters mutters something and lets him into heaven.
The third guy walks up:
"Picture this... Im Hiding.... in a refridgerator......"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7omc6x/three_guys_walk_up_to_the_gates_of_heaven/
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My friend at the UPS really wants to be a comedian..

... but he has a lot of work to do on his delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7om7rq/my_friend_at_the_ups_really_wants_to_be_a_comedian/
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A doctor sits down at his desk to write a prescription for a patient.

He reaches into his top pocket of his white coat and pulls out a rectal thermometer. Cursing loudly, he shouts "Shit! That must mean some arsehole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7om5w6/a_doctor_sits_down_at_his_desk_to_write_a/
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Welcome bitches and bastards!!!

On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Shit." The son asks, "What does shit mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "Fuck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7om5ge/welcome_bitches_and_bastards/
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What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

It's Luke warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7om5dn/what_is_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
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A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital...

...saying that “after her husband had surgery there, he has lost all interest in sex.”
A hospital spokesman replied, “Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7om4ct/a_recent_article_in_the_san_francisco_examiner/
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Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7om3c2/son_dad_whats_the_difference_between_confident/
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family at the dinner table

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round, and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7om348/family_at_the_dinner_table/
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Whats the best part of an ISIS joke?

The Execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7om2rv/whats_the_best_part_of_an_isis_joke/
%
How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7om22d/how_do_mathematicians_scold_their_children/
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Why was Adam created before Eve?

So he had a chance to speak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7om07k/why_was_adam_created_before_eve/
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Ever wanted to stop a woman giving you a BJ?

Marry her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7olzxt/ever_wanted_to_stop_a_woman_giving_you_a_bj/
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Paddy with them two arseholes

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
REPOSTED FROM :ATR1993

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7olxli/paddy_with_them_two_arseholes/
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I was told to scrape the ice off my windshield with my supermarket discount card..

..I tried but it only took off 10%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7olon4/i_was_told_to_scrape_the_ice_off_my_windshield/
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I wipe my ass like I drive...

don’t stop until I see red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7olkdk/i_wipe_my_ass_like_i_drive/
%
A blonde wanted to hang a map up in her room and put pins in everywhere she had been

After buying the map, she went to Japan. Then she went to Alaska. Then Antarctica. Then Australia. She finally went home and picked up her map.
"Now I can finally hang it up," she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oljqh/a_blonde_wanted_to_hang_a_map_up_in_her_room_and/
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A man is travelling through some English country lanes . . .

. . . when his car breaks down next to a field.
He gets out and lifts up the bonnet. Steam gushes into his face. 'Jesus, where do i start?' He says.
'Check the radiator' a voice says.
The man looks around, all he can see are 2 horses standing in a field. He checks the radiator, all is fine.
Scratching his head, 'hmm, what else?' Says the man to himself.
'Have you run out of petrol?' The voice says again.
The man looks everywhere, still, all he can see is the one brown and one white horse. He checks the petrol level, again, all is fine.
'Ok, there must be something simple I'm missing' sighs the man.
'Check the oil!'
The man turns around and sees the horse's mouth moving, the man has been on a long journey with no water and doesn't believe what he's seen.
He checks the oil and the level is low. He tops it up and tries to start the engine. Sure enough it starts up.
He drives until he finds a country pub. He stops in there for a break. The bartender sees him and says
'My good man, you look like you need a drink'
'I really do' says the man.
'Everything ok?' Asks the barkeep.
'Well, my car just broke down in the lanes and i had a little help; but the help seemed to come from two horses. I know, I sound nuts' the man takes a swig of his ale.
'Two horses, eh? One brown and one white?' The bartender asks.
'Yeah' says the man
'It the brown one that helped, yeah?' Said the bartender.
'Yes, i think it was, why do you ask?' Asks the man, confused.
' 'cause the white horse knows fuck all about cars'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7olhri/a_man_is_travelling_through_some_english_country/
%
If Apple builds a car

Will it come with Windows?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7old80/if_apple_builds_a_car/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7olc8m/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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My girlfriend said she was leaving me because I kept pretending to be a transformer.

I said, "No, wait! I can change."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7olafq/my_girlfriend_said_she_was_leaving_me_because_i/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur

Lick-a lot-a-puss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ol8pi/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
A grandfather went to visit his son's family...

A grandfather went to visit his son's family. When he arrived, he found his nineteen-year-old grandson slumped on the couch, playing video games and surrounded by half-empty bags of chips.
"You're wasting your life!" he said sternly. "By the time I was your age, I'd gone to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, beat up the bouncers, shat on the bar and left without paying! Now that was living!"
The grandson was amazed. He had never known that his grandfather had had such an eventful youth. He resolved that he would make his something to remember.
A few weeks later, the grandfather visited again. To his horror, he found his grandson slumped on the couch with two black eyes, several missing teeth and an arm in a cast. "My God, son!" he cried. "What on Earth's happened to you?!"
"I did everything you said you did, granddad!" wailed the grandson. "I went to Paris and went to the Moulin Rouge, but when I tried to do what you did, I got thrown out and beaten up in the street!"
"Who did you go with?" asked the grandfather.
"Just some friends," said the grandson. "Why, who did you go with?"
"Oh!" said the grandfather. "The 3rd Panzer Division."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ol6ux/a_grandfather_went_to_visit_his_sons_family/
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I was catching up with an old friend.

When I thought, "This guy is faster than he looks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ol46n/i_was_catching_up_with_an_old_friend/
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Amputated

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: We amputated the wrong leg.
Patient: What is the good news?
Doctor: Your other leg won't need to be amputated after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ol1bj/amputated/
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Just got scammed out of $15.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ol094/just_got_scammed_out_of_15/
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What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7okzut/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
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“I’m sorry” usually means the same as “I apologize”.

Except at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7okt9o/im_sorry_usually_means_the_same_as_i_apologize/
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The winter sales have started everywhere

But you know, clothes are 100% off at my place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7okst8/the_winter_sales_have_started_everywhere/
%
My brain is divided into left and right

On the left there's nothing right, and on the right there's nothing left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7okole/my_brain_is_divided_into_left_and_right/
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Got my water bill today - £400. Then I saw an advert for Oxfam stating they can supply a whole village with water for £5 a month.

Think I'll be changing my supplier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7okick/got_my_water_bill_today_400_then_i_saw_an_advert/
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I was late to my own circumcision.

Some guy cut me off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7okhf5/i_was_late_to_my_own_circumcision/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

FO DRIZZLE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7okghm/why_does_snoop_dogg_carry_an_umbrella/
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A bodybuilder meets a woman at a bar, ...

and after a number of drinks, they agreed to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"
She is aching for action at this point, Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7okdth/a_bodybuilder_meets_a_woman_at_a_bar/
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What is Glenn from the walking deads favorite restaurant to eat at?

Popeyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7okd19/what_is_glenn_from_the_walking_deads_favorite/
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CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.
This could turn into a total Meltdown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7okc51/ceo_brian_krzanich_sold_his_stock_and_it_might_be/
%
What do you call a man with no arms and legs

Floating in a lake?
Bob.
Sitting at your doorstep?
Matt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ok8ql/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_legs/
%
What did Phil Jackson name his kidney stone?

Kobe because it never passed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ok5wr/what_did_phil_jackson_name_his_kidney_stone/
%
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ok4xk/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are being chased by police.

As they are running, they get cornered by the police with their guns trained on the trio. The brunette, thinking quickly, points behind the police and screams "Look, a tornado!". So the police look. While they are distracted, the brunette escapes. The redhead, seeing an opportunity, shouts "Look, a tsunami!". So the police look. While they are distracted, the redhead escapes. The blonde, seeing it work for her friends, shouts "Fire!". So the police fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ok4qc/a_brunette_a_redhead_and_a_blonde_are_being/
%
What did steve jobs say when he was getting his house built?

No windows pls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ok3er/what_did_steve_jobs_say_when_he_was_getting_his/
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My wife and I have been happy for 20 years.

And then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ok3bh/my_wife_and_i_have_been_happy_for_20_years/
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ok2z5/an_86yearold_man_went_to_his_doctor_for_his/
%
A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ok2f1/a_young_man_named_chuck_bought_a_horse_from_a/
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Introducing my girlfriend to my family .

ME : this is my gf Diana
Diana : hi
Wife : what the fuck?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ojtpf/introducing_my_girlfriend_to_my_family/
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[Foul language] Man wants to open a bank account at this shitty bank

A man enters a bank and walks up to the clerk desk.
"Good day to you sir, what can I help you with today?" Says the clerk.
"I want to open a fucking account at this shitty bank." Responds the man.
"Excuse me?" Says the clerk lady.
"You heard me, I want to open a fucking bank account at this pathetic excuse for a bank." Says the man.
"Well sorry but with that language I won't help you any further." Says the pissed off clerk lady. "You know, I see the owner of this bank there and I'll make him come here and you can tell him yourself!"
So the clerk lady calls the owner of the establishment over and tells him that there is a problem.
"What seems to be the problem?" Asks the owner.
"I think it'd be better if this man explained it to you himself." The clerk lady responds.
So the man calmly looks at the owner and says:
"Hello there you idiot, I'll ask one more bloody time I want to open a fucking bank account at this bullshit bank!"
It's quiet for a moment and the owner of the bank starts to get visibly angry at the man for insulting his employee, his buisness and him, but before he can construct a response the man decides to add:
"I just won 30 million in the lottery and I can't keep it all under my fucking matress now can I!?"
The boss is quiet for a moment, points at the clerk lady and responds:
"And this bitch is hassling you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ojp9t/foul_language_man_wants_to_open_a_bank_account_at/
%
A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby.  The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."
To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ojote/a_man_accidentally_elbows_a_womans_boob/
%
Donald Trump invites Obama, George W Bush and Bill Clinton to Mar-a-Lago for a President's weekend.

They decide to play volleyball, Democrats vs Republicans. As they walk to the court, Bush asks Trump, "I gotta ask, why didn't you release your tax returns?" Trump replied, "Well, I was going to eventually, but as the public became more demanding I felt like caving in to that kind of pressure would make me look weak, and **I didn't want to set a bad precedent**."
At some point, the ball comes to Bush while Trump is perfectly positioned to spike it. But instead of setting the ball for Trump, he just lobs it back over the net. Trump says, "What the hell George, why didn't you set the ball for me?" And Bush responds, "Sorry Donald, but *I didn't want to set a bad president!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ojngd/donald_trump_invites_obama_george_w_bush_and_bill/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's okay. He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ojnbp/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
%
I just found out I'm colorblind.

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ojn34/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/
%
Using the word 'superfluous'

Get over yourself, it's just unnecessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ojjad/using_the_word_superfluous/
%
My joke about capital punishment got downvoted.

I guess it was great concept, poor execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oji7k/my_joke_about_capital_punishment_got_downvoted/
%
If Bear Grylls could grill bears, how many bears could Bear Grylls grill?

As many as Bear Grylls' grill could bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ojgde/if_bear_grylls_could_grill_bears_how_many_bears/
%
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ojdb9/whats_the_difference_between_a_northern_fairytale/
%
PMS jokes aren't funny...

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ojd5u/pms_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible.

Well, tell him I can't see him right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ojce2/doctor_theres_a_patient_on_line_1_that_says_hes/
%
I ate a Wookie Steak...

...it was a little Chewy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ojb8n/i_ate_a_wookie_steak/
%
I've decided to join Anytime Fitness

Because I like to dress up as a 12th century Viking Warrior when I work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oj9b8/ive_decided_to_join_anytime_fitness/
%
If the speed of light is much faster than the speed of sound

Then how come I hear the horn way before the light turns green?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oj1rq/if_the_speed_of_light_is_much_faster_than_the/
%
I woke up to a tap on the door this morning..

...My plumber has an odd sense of humour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oiyzc/i_woke_up_to_a_tap_on_the_door_this_morning/
%
They say nothing is impossible.

They’re full of it: I do nothing all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oixuq/they_say_nothing_is_impossible/
%
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.  He said, "In English a double negative forms a positive. However,  in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language in which a double positive can express a negative"
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah,  right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oixra/an_mit_linguistics_professor_was_lecturing_his/
%
Communists and Trump supporters really aren't all that different...

They both want a world with no class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oivjv/communists_and_trump_supporters_really_arent_all/
%
Where does a lumberjack find a date?

Timber!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oirt8/where_does_a_lumberjack_find_a_date/
%
How did Adolf tie his shoelaces?

With little knotsies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oiqot/how_did_adolf_tie_his_shoelaces/
%
Sexual Assault...

....Its a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oimwj/sexual_assault/
%
Dad vs MOM :v

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oimoq/dad_vs_mom_v/
%
The Pope and one of the Cardinals were sitting around doing crossword puzzles.

The Pope says, "Can you think of a four-letter word meaning 'woman' that ends with the letters, U-N-T?"
The Cardinal thinks for a moment. "Why yes, father. That would be 'AUNT'"
The Pope laughs, "YES! Of course! ...ha ha ha..." (pause) "Got an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oiip2/the_pope_and_one_of_the_cardinals_were_sitting/
%
An old lady calls 911 late one night...

So an old lady calls 911 late one night. The dispatcher answers "911, what is your emergency?"
"There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed."
"A breaking and entering? We'll have an officer over in an hour."
"An hour? But they won't be here in an hour. They're breaking and entering now."
"Ma'am, no officers are available right now. We'll send a squad car by in an hour."
The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"I'm the lady who called about the two men breaking into my shed. You don't have to send anyone. I shot them."
Within a few minutes, there are police all over her yard. The men are apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene goes up to take the woman's statement.
"One other thing... I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?"
"And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oi9xw/an_old_lady_calls_911_late_one_night/
%
I went for an interview to become a blacksmith

They asked if I had ever shooed a horse.
I said "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oi8d5/i_went_for_an_interview_to_become_a_blacksmith/
%
A blond and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a plane from New York to Los Angeles.

The flight is long. The lawyer ask the blond if she would like to play a game; he asks her a question and if she doesn't know she pays him a dollar and vice versa. Tired, she declines his offer politely , turn the other way and sleep. Persistent, the lawyer ask her again but she still refuses. Trying one last time thinking as she is a blond it would be an easy win he says:
-Look, if I get the answer right you pay me 5 but if I get it wrong I'll give you 50.
Utterly annoyed the blond turns towards him, giving him her full attention. Happy with himself he begins:
-Okay, first question: What's the distance between the sun and the moon?
Quietly, the blond takes out 5 dollars and give to him. She then ask:
-What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four?
The lawyer perplexed, think deeply. He takes out his laptop, search for the answer. Sending emails to his colleagues, friends and family for the answer but no luck. Finally after an hour, he abandons. He wakes her up and gives her the 50 dollars.
Frustrated, he asks her:
-So, what's the answer?
Quietly she take out 5 dollars and give it to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oi1kt/a_blond_and_a_lawyer_are_seated_next_to_each/
%
A kiss will make her day...

And anal will make her hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohy0k/a_kiss_will_make_her_day/
%
I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.
If it weren’t for that, being home-schooled wouldn’t have been so bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohx35/i_was_teased_about_my_penis_size_almost_every_day/
%
I wanted to get a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohw0c/i_wanted_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohtt4/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
Where do you find a cow with no legs??

Right where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohpeo/where_do_you_find_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
This bar that was near my house turned into a funeral home awhile back.

The place isn’t as alive as it used to be, but they’ve still got some cold ones in the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohnp7/this_bar_that_was_near_my_house_turned_into_a/
%
A man walks into a bar

and sees a gorgeous woman, he walks up behind her and says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it goin'?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it." Eyes wide with interest, he responds: "Really? I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohmx3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do they call a stolen tesla?

An Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohmmd/what_do_they_call_a_stolen_tesla/
%
Have you heard of Richard Potato?

He's a dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohkbb/have_you_heard_of_richard_potato/
%
An angel once offered me either a big penis or long lasting memory.

I don't quite remember what I answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohi06/an_angel_once_offered_me_either_a_big_penis_or/
%
Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Alabama was destroyed?

It took half the trailer park with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohg79/did_you_hear_that_the_governors_mansion_in/
%
A man was pulled over...

A man was pulled over, and the officer noticed a group of penguins in the backseat.
Officer: “You need to take those penguins to the zoo.”
Man: “Ok, I will.”
The next day the man was pulled over by the officer and he notices the same group of penguins in the backseat but they all had sunglasses on.
Officer: “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.”
Man: “I did. Today we’re going to the beach.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohg4g/a_man_was_pulled_over/
%
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. The couple asked for another appointment and returned once a week for several weeks. They would have intercourse, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $93 and the Hilton Inn charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohf8s/a_couple_both_age_78_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
%
The past,present, and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohf8c/the_pastpresent_and_future_walked_into_a_bar/
%
What's the first thing a pirate does after losing his hand?

He goes to a hooker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ohdji/whats_the_first_thing_a_pirate_does_after_losing/
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First cannibal: Am I late for dinner?

Second cannibal: Yes, everyone's eaten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oha37/first_cannibal_am_i_late_for_dinner/
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Two tickets to Tittsburg

Young man walked into a bar with a giant black eye only to find an older many already sitting at the bar who also had a black eye.  The older man was curious, so he asked the young man how he got his black eye.
"Well," the young man said, "I've been away at school, and this holiday season I was going to go up to Pittsburg to visit my family and spend time with my girlfriend, who gives the best blow jobs and who has HUGE tits. Anyways... I was waiting in line at the train station, waiting to buy my ticket, and I just kept thinking about my girlfriend's ginormous tits and how bad I wanted to suck them. So... when I finally got to the front of the line, I made a freudian slip. I meant to ask for a ticket to 'Pittsburg'; instead I asked for a ticket to 'Tittsburg'. It just so happened that the young woman at the front also had huge tits and she thought I was making a pass at her, so hit me right in the eye with her purse. Hence, the black eye."
"Oh," said the older man. "That's interesting. The same kind of think happened to me. This morning, I meant to ask my wife to pass me the Corn Flakes, and instead I said 'You ruined my fucking life cunt.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oh7sm/two_tickets_to_tittsburg/
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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of your door?

Matt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oh3vs/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_or_legs_in/
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Why is obesity not a problem in Japan?

Because the last time they had a fat man there.  Several thousand people died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oh2rs/why_is_obesity_not_a_problem_in_japan/
%
I sexually identify as half Democrat and half Republican

I'm bipartisan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oh1gm/i_sexually_identify_as_half_democrat_and_half/
%
What's it called when spies perform Hamlet?

Thespionage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oh16m/whats_it_called_when_spies_perform_hamlet/
%
I dunno who this Rorschach guy is

Or why he’s so obsessed with drawing dicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ogzvx/i_dunno_who_this_rorschach_guy_is/
%
Why don't you see rhinos hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ogzpg/why_dont_you_see_rhinos_hiding_in_trees/
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Poop jokes aren’t my favorite jokes

But they’re a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ogvwu/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite_jokes/
%
A dog went to a telegram office

, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ogsvk/a_dog_went_to_a_telegram_office/
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I can't do anagrams.

This = shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ogsus/i_cant_do_anagrams/
%
Do you know how to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

Just pay attention to whether you see them later or after a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ogk4v/do_you_know_how_to_tell_the_difference_between_an/
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What do you call a bad ophthalmology pun?

A cornea joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ogjdw/what_do_you_call_a_bad_ophthalmology_pun/
%
I'm using Internet Explorer so I hope this'll get posted quickly.

I hope you'll have a wonderful year of 2011!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ogfp2/im_using_internet_explorer_so_i_hope_thisll_get/
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What do you get when you combine a mommy and a daddy?

I don't know, but my dad said it's a mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ogfbg/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_a_mommy_and_a/
%
I once saw a girl with 12 nipples

Sounds crazy, dozen tit﻿?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ogea7/i_once_saw_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
%
Instead of Traveling to Oz, the Tin Man, the Lion, and The Scarecrow should run for Congress

As they lack a heart, mind, and courage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oga4i/instead_of_traveling_to_oz_the_tin_man_the_lion/
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If you drink the perfect amount of scotch every day, you'll live forever...

Every scotch drinker just dies trying to figure out how much that is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7og82s/if_you_drink_the_perfect_amount_of_scotch_every/
%
Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five?

..Because Logan left him hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7og07u/why_didnt_the_japanese_guy_get_a_high_five/
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Hillbilly CPR

Two hillbillies walk into a bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They are standing at the bar drinking their beers and talking about current cattle prices when all of a sudden a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich, begins to choke. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The women violently shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" the other asks. The women doesn't answer begins to turn blue. The hillbilly then runs up behind her, lifts up her dress, yanks down her panties and runs his tounge all over her ass in a circular motion until finally the woman becomes shocked and it send her into a violent spasm and the obstruction flys from her mouth. As she begins to breathe, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. The other hillbilly says to his friend, "Ya know? I'd heard of that there HIND LICK MANEUVER, but, I aint ever seen nobody do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7og02x/hillbilly_cpr/
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Are you ?

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofze9/are_you/
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WARNING: Men should avoid drinking beer

Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.
In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofysh/warning_men_should_avoid_drinking_beer/
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What do you call a really tall midwife?

A Doula Oblongata!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofxm7/what_do_you_call_a_really_tall_midwife/
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Always bring a cane to a first date.

You never know, it might be blind love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofxa3/always_bring_a_cane_to_a_first_date/
%
My big New Years resolution is to…

…get a 4K TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofw4f/my_big_new_years_resolution_is_to/
%
Life is just like a USB port

50% chance of being right and always wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oft5w/life_is_just_like_a_usb_port/
%
I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofr3v/i_bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith_this_morning/
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A kid taunts his neighbor: "Last night I saw your wife giving you a blow job"

the neighbor says:
"the joke's on you, kid. I wasn't even home last night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofnwj/a_kid_taunts_his_neighbor_last_night_i_saw_your/
%
three young priests-to-be are tested

the elder priest says:
"if you are to be priests, you must learn to resist the allure of women. you must tie bells to each of your penises to betray your arousal. strip down."
so the young budding priests strip down and tie bells to their penises.
then the elder priest brings in a hot blonde with big boobs, a nice ass, etc.
so, facing the three young naked priests with bells on them, she goes over to the first one and strip teases him.
within 5 seconds:
"ding a ling!"
"you still need work." says the elder.
"but for now, go take a shower"
the first priest in training leaves, and then the blonde strip teases, and kisses the second apprentice.
after 15 seconds of this, he finds this too much.
"ding a ling!"
"Bill, you are better, but still need work. go take a shower with joe."
so he leaves, and then the woman is left with the last priest.
she works her magic, kissing and licking and trying to give him a boner, but nothing she does works.
the elder priest says:
"good job Bob, you have surpassed your peers. go take a shower with joe and bill"
"ding a ling!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofn2l/three_young_prieststobe_are_tested/
%
A man threw a milk bottle at me today

How dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofji5/a_man_threw_a_milk_bottle_at_me_today/
%
I'm like a 89° angle

I'm almost normal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofgut/im_like_a_89_angle/
%
Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards

In the beginning it's all Hearts and Diamonds but by the end all you want is a Club and a Spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofdi7/marriage_is_a_lot_like_a_deck_of_cards/
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A little poem

I dig...
You dig...
We dig...
He dig...
She dig...
They dig...
It may not be the best poem, but atleast it´s deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofbyv/a_little_poem/
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What do you call it when your friends trick you into going to the strip club?

A booby trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofbst/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_friends_trick_you/
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[jokes] Bob, Rob, and Todd

Bob, Rob, and Todd are missionaries sent to Africa to teach the ways of Jesus Christ. While walking to their campsite, they get lost and wind up in the middle of the jungle where a native tribe finds them. The three men are captured and taken back to the tribes site.
Miraculously, one of the tribesmen speaks the same language as the three captured men. He translates for his chief. "If you three want to get out of here alive, you are to each go into the jungle and find 10 of one type of fruit. None of you can come back with the same thing. Don't think we won't know if you try to run. Our tribe is big and spans this whole jungle."
Bob gets his ten fruit first and returns to the tribe site with them.
"You are to shove all of these fruits up your ass. If you make any expression while doing this, we will kill you." states the tribesman.
Bob can't even get the first fruit up his ass even remotely before grimacing, so he is executed and dragged off.
Rob, managing to find grapes somehow, gets back and is told the same thing by the tribesman. Straightfaced, he manages to get 9 grapes up his ass before laughing.
Now in Heaven, Rob sees Bob. Bob bursting with frustration at Rob exclaims "Why did you start laughing?! You had one grape left!"
Rob replies "I saw Todd walking in with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofbkk/jokes_bob_rob_and_todd/
%
A man goes shopping for candles...

He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."
So he catches the attention of an employee and asks her, "Ma'am why do all of these candles smell so funny?"
"Well sir, that's our new Scents of Humor line!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ofag3/a_man_goes_shopping_for_candles/
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Plot twist joke

The couple drives silently in a car along the country road. She suddenly says,"Walter, I'm getting a divorce!"
He doesn't say anything, just accelerates slightly.
She says,"I've had a relationship with your best friend for a long time, and he's a better lover than you." He doesn't say anything again, accelerates even further.
She says,"I want the house, the bank account, the car and the dog." He doesn't say anything, but he accelerates even further. She says,"Are you listening to me? Don't you want something?" "I have everything I need!" "Why that?" Just before he hits a wall, he says,"I got the airbag!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7of2u7/plot_twist_joke/
%
Why will dead baby jokes always be fun?

they will never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7of2ey/why_will_dead_baby_jokes_always_be_fun/
%
Some people suffer from ailments that are innappropriate to joke about; however

Obesity is something to be made light of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7of1ht/some_people_suffer_from_ailments_that_are/
%
What do you do with a compressed porn folder?

*sigh* *unzip*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oey84/what_do_you_do_with_a_compressed_porn_folder/
%
What is it called when a blonde has a headache?

Phantom pain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oetx2/what_is_it_called_when_a_blonde_has_a_headache/
%
What's...

...the most important thing when telling a joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oettt/whats/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oesve/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
%
A Cannibal's Conundrum

If a cannibal says he wants some dick...
.. Is he hungry? Or thirsty?
(my first try at r/jokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oes4q/a_cannibals_conundrum/
%
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$100 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oenwp/i_was_in_a_job_interview_today_when_the_manager/
%
Where do poor Italians live?

in the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oeidi/where_do_poor_italians_live/
%
I have no idea what my parents did to have fun, back before the internet.

I asked my 17 siblings and they didn't know, either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oehgt/i_have_no_idea_what_my_parents_did_to_have_fun/
%
How did Medusa know she’d grown into a woman?

She grew bush vipers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oegku/how_did_medusa_know_shed_grown_into_a_woman/
%
What's the difference between your mother and an orange?

Your mother is a whore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oe9py/whats_the_difference_between_your_mother_and_an/
%
What do you call a cat that looks like Hitler?

My Puhrrrer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oe6bv/what_do_you_call_a_cat_that_looks_like_hitler/
%
Why was there never a successful "Antz" videogame?

Because they had too many bugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oe4j2/why_was_there_never_a_successful_antz_videogame/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oe0da/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
So a blonde goes to a lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.
On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for the microphone, grasping for any idea, and stares at the crowd. "hmm, let me think about this", she mutters to herself.
The crowd breaks into cheers and applause, confetti falls from the sky, and the Judge walks up to her, and gives her the first place award.
( i think this is original, it works better the way my father said it in hindi, but it I hope yall like it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ody7c/so_a_blonde_goes_to_a_lying_competition/
%
What does a pirate say when he's having a heart attack?

"Arrrrrrrgh, me hearties!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7odwq0/what_does_a_pirate_say_when_hes_having_a_heart/
%
A dog with a bandaged foot limped into town one day.

The sheriff approached the stranger and said: “What brings you to Dawson City?” The dog replied: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7odovt/a_dog_with_a_bandaged_foot_limped_into_town_one/
%
Why weren’t Soviet fighter jets ever any good?

Cause they were always Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oddrd/why_werent_soviet_fighter_jets_ever_any_good/
%
I went to buy a new car...

The salesman said- “Buy it today, and you won’t make a payment for six months.”
I said- “Boy! You really know me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7odcip/i_went_to_buy_a_new_car/
%
Classic

r/latestagecapitalism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7od7lm/classic/
%
Why do Australian's use the word mate?

They got tired saying inmates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7od7ih/why_do_australians_use_the_word_mate/
%
What was Genghis Khan’s failure of a brother named?

Genghis Khan’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7od3ih/what_was_genghis_khans_failure_of_a_brother_named/
%
Grocery Store.

A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter. The cashier asks the man, “Sir, do you own a dog?”
The man replies, “yes I do.”
The cashier then asks, “do you have the dog with you?”
The man replies, “no, I left it at home.”
The cashier then says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you this dog food unless I see your dog.”
A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter. The same cashier asks, “Sir, do you own a cat?”
The man replies, “yes I do.”
The cashier then asks, “do you have your cat with you?”
And the man replies, “no, I left it at home.”
Then the cashier says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you this cat food unless I see your cat.”
A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag. The cashier says, “it feels warm, soft, and gooey.”
The man then says, “now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7od2j4/grocery_store/
%
A man wakes up in a hospital surrounded by several frantic doctors and 1 female nurse leaning over him

She notices he has gained consciousness and says to him "you may not feel anything below the waist".
He responds: "Ok. Can I feel your boobs then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocxcy/a_man_wakes_up_in_a_hospital_surrounded_by/
%
A farmer sees someone talking to his horses....

He quickly grabs his shotgun and heads over to the man. He points his gun and him and exclaims: "What are you doing! This is private property!" The man replies " Your animals can talk! I was just talking to them" The farmer, surprised, says: "Well if that's true, what are they saying!?"
The man says: "Well the horse said that the saddle you use has a burr and its rubbing a spot on his back raw". Sure enough the farmer checks the saddle and there is a large burr. "The cow also said that one of her teets is raw and cracked and every time you milk her it is really painful". Sure enough, the farmer gets under the cow and there is a cracking teet. The farmer quickly jumps up just as the man was going to continue on he screams: "WELL WHAT DID THAT LYING GOAT TELL YOU!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocwrz/a_farmer_sees_someone_talking_to_his_horses/
%
What do Mexican kids read in middle school?

Tequila Mockingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocui6/what_do_mexican_kids_read_in_middle_school/
%
What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oct83/what_do_you_call_a_hockey_player_in_a_leaky_barn/
%
My neighbor kept knocking on the wall yesterday night...

Fortunately, I wasn't sleeping, I was playing trumpet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocshp/my_neighbor_kept_knocking_on_the_wall_yesterday/
%
What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocrt9/what_is_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
%
A Woman Walks Into A Cafe

A woman goes to a cafe and takes a seat outside. While she's eating, she overhears a group of men at the next table.
"Look, let's go with the simple option. It's spelled W-O-O-M."
"No, I'm sure there's an R in there. W-O-O-M-R."
"I thought it was longer than that, and had a B. W-O-O-M-M-B-R-R."
Finally the woman has had enough. She walks over to the table and says, "Gentleman, the word you're looking for is W-O-M-B, womb." With that she walks off, the men staring after her.
Finally, one of the men turns back to the others. "Do you think she's right?"
"Of course not. A slip of a girl like that, I don't suppose she's ever heard an elephant fart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oco7f/a_woman_walks_into_a_cafe/
%
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” says the woman.
“How about we ask this communist officer over here? He’s always right!” says the man. “Officer Rudolf, is it snowing or raining?”
The officer thinks for a moment, then says “Definitely raining” before walking away.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolf the red knows rain, dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocl1y/a_couple_is_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
%
Hello, Im here to subscribe to the gym

+Hello, I'm here to subscribe to the gym
-Are you here because of a New Year Resolution?
+Yes
-We have a one day plan, it includes 4 selfies in the weight lifting area
+Perfect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocj6s/hello_im_here_to_subscribe_to_the_gym/
%
Someone called me a son of a gun the other day

So I shot them with my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocg1l/someone_called_me_a_son_of_a_gun_the_other_day/
%
My wife left me because she believes I live in constant denial

Tonight we'll have a romantic dinner celebrating our 5th year anniversary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocfa2/my_wife_left_me_because_she_believes_i_live_in/
%
What’s a Heron with only one eye?

Heroin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocf51/whats_a_heron_with_only_one_eye/
%
The doctor told me to stop drinking, smoking and having sex

I asked him if it would make me live longer and he said: no, but the time will feel longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocezi/the_doctor_told_me_to_stop_drinking_smoking_and/
%
I went to see a psychic last night.

She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed.
She said, "I know, leukemia is a bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocei3/i_went_to_see_a_psychic_last_night/
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What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decaffeinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocbfz/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_just_gave_birth/
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I listened to All Star so many times it gave me tinnitus.

Now, my ears start humming and they don't stop humming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocb9u/i_listened_to_all_star_so_many_times_it_gave_me/
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I wear dad jeans, have a dad bod, and tell dad jokes...

Funny, since I've never even had sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocazu/i_wear_dad_jeans_have_a_dad_bod_and_tell_dad_jokes/
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A rancher dies and leaves everything to his wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ocaoh/a_rancher_dies_and_leaves_everything_to_his_wife/
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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $30!

Fuck that, I can get one cheaper off the web.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oc733/my_daughter_asked_me_for_a_pet_spider_for_her/
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Did you hear about the crazy mexican train hijacker?

He's got locomotives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oby69/did_you_hear_about_the_crazy_mexican_train/
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Business was terrible and not picking up

I had to fire somebody,  and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
I approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”
"Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like shit. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime."
......
I had to let Jack go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7obso5/business_was_terrible_and_not_picking_up/
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Why was Jesus bad at hockey?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7obrdv/why_was_jesus_bad_at_hockey/
%
Why do programmers love winter?

Because there are no bugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7obpk0/why_do_programmers_love_winter/
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Bob left work Jokes ;)

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7obpjm/bob_left_work_jokes/
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Did you hear of the guy who could literally master any craft, provided he masturbated before learning it?

He was jack off all trades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7obn9b/did_you_hear_of_the_guy_who_could_literally/
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What do oppressive regimes and modern CPUs have in common?

Speculative execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oblso/what_do_oppressive_regimes_and_modern_cpus_have/
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I will never forget my sons first words he said to me...

“Why did you never see me for sixteen years Dad?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oblec/i_will_never_forget_my_sons_first_words_he_said/
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The wife left a note on the fridge tonight,

“It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to mum’s.” it said.
I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the fuck is she talking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oblac/the_wife_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_tonight/
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A New Years Resolution is..

Something that goes in one year and out the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7obkcj/a_new_years_resolution_is/
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I’ve just released my own fragrance.

But nobody on this bus seems to like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7obhm8/ive_just_released_my_own_fragrance/
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A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar

He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7obgy8/a_man_holding_a_large_block_of_asphalt_walks_into/
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I got accused of stealing Sodium Chloride today.

I took it with a Grain of Salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7obg0q/i_got_accused_of_stealing_sodium_chloride_today/
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[nsfw] A guy wants to join the monastery...

A guy wants to join the monastery, but he isn't too sure yet and makes an appointment with the abbot for a tour and some more information.
When he gets there, the abbot gives him the grand tour. The abbot takes him to see the gardens, the chapel, sleeping quarters,... After he saw the entire abbey, he says to the abbot he still has a very sensitive question...
Go ahead, the abbot says, what is it?
Well, it's about celibacy... I'm still a young man, and well... How do you deal with it?
Ah, the abbot replies, come... I have one more room to show you.
They get to a room which has a large barrel in the center, with a hole in the side.
Well, if you have uh... urges, you just come to this room, stick your dick in the hole, and you'll get a blowjob. Downside is that you can only come here 6 days a week.
Wow, that's amazing! But why only 6 days a week?
Ah, the 7th day it's your turn to sit in the barrel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7obcdu/nsfw_a_guy_wants_to_join_the_monastery/
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What's the difference between ladies and laddies?

Ladies only want the d while laddies wants the double d's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7obbvd/whats_the_difference_between_ladies_and_laddies/
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PSA: dried grapes are really good for you.

I’m all about raisin awareness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7obawl/psa_dried_grapes_are_really_good_for_you/
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A woman pregnant with triplets was shot in a drive-by

when she woke up later at the hospital the doctor came in and told her he had good news and bad news. he told her that she was hit by three bullets in her stomach and each one had been lodged in each of her three babies. however, everyone was healthy and in due time the bullets would make their way out of the bodies naturally.
twelve years went by after she had two girls and a boy. the mother decided not to tell them about the shooting incident so as not to worry them.
one day the mother heard a scream from her upstairs bathroom. she looked up and saw her first born daugher running down the stairs with tears in her eyes. "mom i was peeing and i looked in the toilet and there was a bullet!". the mother then told the daughter about the shooting and told her daughter not to tell her sister or brother so they wouldnt worry.
the very same incident happened with her second daughter about a week later. the mother consoled her daughter and told her not to tell her brother because it would really freak him out.
about a month goes by and the mother is in her living room reading a book. she glances over at the stairs and sees her son walking down ever so slowly, tears rolling down his pale horror-stricken face. the mother rushes over and asks frantically, "whats wrong son did you pee out a bullet?". the son answers, "no, i was in my room masturbating and i shot the dog!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ob8e3/a_woman_pregnant_with_triplets_was_shot_in_a/
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The first thing to do when you buy a parrot...

Teach it to say...
'HELP IVE BEEN TURNED INTO A PARROT!!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ob4u5/the_first_thing_to_do_when_you_buy_a_parrot/
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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens.

It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ob2tv/a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo_right_before/
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I came out to my friend as gay, who in return came out as gay

Makes all the times we fucked before then seem like he didn't mean the no homo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oayoo/i_came_out_to_my_friend_as_gay_who_in_return_came/
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I don't understand why everyone says the KKK is racist.

Every night at our meetings, there are lots of black people hanging around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oaxxf/i_dont_understand_why_everyone_says_the_kkk_is/
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What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive?
B flat.
What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina?
An episode of Top Gear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oauab/what_do_you_get_if_you_drop_a_piano_on_an_army/
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A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw...

He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him.
So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oasro/a_construction_worker_on_the_5th_floor_of_a/
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A blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy in the train...

Four people are sitting in the passenger car of a train. A hot blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy. The train goes into a tunnel, there's total darkness for a brief moment, and all you can hear is a loud slap. As the train is leaving the tunnel, sunlight lights the scene up, and a confused french is holding his burning red cheek and looking around.
The nun is thinking to herself "This scumbag probably tried to touch the blonde and she slapped him."
The blonde is thinking "That scumbag was probably trying to touch me, touched the nun by accident and she slapped him."
The french guy is thinking "I bet the brit was trying to touch one of them, they thought it was me and slapped me!"
The brit is thinking "Next tunnel, I'm gonna slap him even harder."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oarl8/a_blonde_a_nun_a_brit_and_a_french_guy_in_the/
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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! *Go'an fuck yerself!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oaqai/a_radio_station_in_ireland_is_taking_calls_to/
%
So a man is released from prison after 15 years...

...and he runs through the streets shouting "I'm free! I'm free!"
A young child watching him responds, "so what, I'm four"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oanbt/so_a_man_is_released_from_prison_after_15_years/
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The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Recently, the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.
Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.
"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
Jill replies, "You'll have to jack off then, 'cause I've got a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oaj9c/the_boss_of_a_small_company_has_two_employees/
%
During his wife's labour, the nurse came up to them and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?"

Dave said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oahpk/during_his_wifes_labour_the_nurse_came_up_to_them/
%
A man with a pickaxe walks into a bar and orders a pint

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve minors here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oaary/a_man_with_a_pickaxe_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders/
%
As much of a thrill-seeker as I am, I would never bungee jump...

I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I’m not going out because of one...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oa9x0/as_much_of_a_thrillseeker_as_i_am_i_would_never/
%
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oa9je/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
%
A nurse began writing a letter with a rectal thermometer

When she realised it wasn't working she exclaimed:
'Dammit, some arsehole has my pen!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oa4n6/a_nurse_began_writing_a_letter_with_a_rectal/
%
How can you tell the gender of an ant?

You put it in the water. If it sinks it’s a girl ant, and if it floats, it’s a buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oa3u3/how_can_you_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant/
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If you're just looking for sex, find yourself a girl from Philly that likes football.

They're used to playing the game and never getting a ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7oa3h2/if_youre_just_looking_for_sex_find_yourself_a/
%
What do you call a person who only farts when he's alone?

A prive tutor!
I'll get the door on my way out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9yv0/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_only_farts_when_hes/
%
On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Scotsman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9yac/on_a_visit_to_new_york_an_englishman_and_a/
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Everyone says that my low self esteem looks bad on me...

I agree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9wqb/everyone_says_that_my_low_self_esteem_looks_bad/
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Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food?

Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9vjw/have_you_ever_eaten_ethiopian_food/
%
This pretty girl walked up to a Neanderthal, winked and said in a sexy voice “Hey… is it true what they say about Neanderthal guys?”

The Neanderthal screeches a high-pitched “YES!! IT IS!!!” Then smashes her brains in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9tx2/this_pretty_girl_walked_up_to_a_neanderthal/
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The average sperm cell contains 37.5 MB of data

That means the average ejaculation contains 1587.5 TB of data.
It's a lot of information to spit out before getting a divorce, leaving with the kids and house, and leaving you with nothing but a dingy car and your clothes to live the rest of your sad, lonely life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9s11/the_average_sperm_cell_contains_375_mb_of_data/
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Drill Sergeant: "I didn't see you at camouflage training today recruit!"

Recruit: "Thankyou sir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9ppo/drill_sergeant_i_didnt_see_you_at_camouflage/
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When it comes to nuclear war the main difference is...

Korea have a desk with a button.
America have a desk with a knob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9mqr/when_it_comes_to_nuclear_war_the_main_difference/
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Whats the difference between a politician and a prostitute?

Only one of them is happy to fuck you anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9jqn/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9jca/i_got_a_hand_job_yesterday/
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It's always good to know at least one handjob joke...

...they can really cum in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9hx5/its_always_good_to_know_at_least_one_handjob_joke/
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Where do poor Italians live?

In the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9h2o/where_do_poor_italians_live/
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In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9h21/in_2016_celebrities_died_and_their_legacies/
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A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door...

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.
Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9c1p/a_jehovahs_witness_knocks_on_a_jews_door/
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If I had a dollar for every Trump joke I made...

I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o9ao9/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_trump_joke_i_made/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o99sn/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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What do you call a war between African countries

A third world war.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o95z3/what_do_you_call_a_war_between_african_countries/
%
I just took an IQ test

It came out positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o90s3/i_just_took_an_iq_test/
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My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet

But I don’t need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o90g1/my_wife_told_me_to_grow_up_and_stop_believing/
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I've calculated the name for the next Fast & Furious movie...

Fast 10: Your Seatbelts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8wxu/ive_calculated_the_name_for_the_next_fast_furious/
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Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8wg2/last_night_a_chinese_guy_came_to_my_favorite_bar/
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What do you call a prostitutes last day of the job

The final blow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8uqt/what_do_you_call_a_prostitutes_last_day_of_the_job/
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What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They used their brains to paint the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8sn1/what_do_michelangelo_and_kurt_cobain_have_in/
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How should one approach an easily startled red head?

gingerly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8qqk/how_should_one_approach_an_easily_startled_red/
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What do you call a color that doesn't exist?

A pigment of your imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8pri/what_do_you_call_a_color_that_doesnt_exist/
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Why do seagulls fly by the sea?

Because if they flew by the bay they'd be bagels!
Don't lynch me. Lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8p0p/why_do_seagulls_fly_by_the_sea/
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A young tribal boy asks the village chief:

“How did Howling Moon receive her name?”
*Ah,* answers the chief. “As her mother went into labor there was a lone wolf howling into the moon!”
The boy ponders and asks, “What about Jumping Brook? How was he named?”
“Oh yes,” answered the Chief. “On the morning of his birth we watched a herd of young deer jumping over the brook.”
“Say,” the chief continues, “what makes you so curious, young little Two Goats Fucking?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8o6q/a_young_tribal_boy_asks_the_village_chief/
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Room number 112

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast.
The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."
The woman replies, "If you d*ck is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 112."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8n1e/room_number_112/
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What do you call a girl that has a leg that is shorter that the other?

Eileen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8mno/what_do_you_call_a_girl_that_has_a_leg_that_is/
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What's the difference between a Kindergarten and an ISIS stronghold?

I don't know, I just fly the drones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8mg9/whats_the_difference_between_a_kindergarten_and/
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Girl, your booty is like dough...

I knead it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8lmo/girl_your_booty_is_like_dough/
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I just passed my Canadian citizenship test.

I got an Eh plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8kvx/i_just_passed_my_canadian_citizenship_test/
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Germany and the Czech Republic have left the EU to form their own fully integrated economy.

Their currency is called the ✓

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8evw/germany_and_the_czech_republic_have_left_the_eu/
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Mother of Triplets

A pregnant lady was doing her errands around town when she stopped in bank to pay her bills.  Everything was going great until there was a gunshot and two robbers burst through the door and demanded everyone on the ground and they will shoot anyone that makes a move. The future mother obliged but while the two men were cleaning out the tellers drawer she got violently I'll and threw up causing the the trigger happy robber to get spooked and in his shock shot the last three times in the stomach.
Rushed to the hospital and in danger of losing her pregnancy she say the front most respected doctor in the state. After examination,t he doctor had good news and bad news. The good news was that pregnancy was saved and she was pregnant with triplets, 2 girls and a boy.
What could possibly be the bad news, she asked.
Well, the doctor said, the three bullets that struck you and still in you womb and we can not operate to remove them but all should be well, they will work their way out of children through their respective urinary tract.
The lady gives birth and all three children grow up and live fulfilling lives into their teens
One day the lady is doing the laundry when her first born daughter burst in looking like hell.
She wails, MOMMY MOMMY I PEED OUT A BULLET OMG OMG.
Calm down. says the mom, and she explains the story and assured her everything is fine from here on out.
Few hours later she is making dinner when she hears screaming from the upstairs bath room, it's her second born daughter and she peed out a bullet too
Am I going to die. She asks afraid
No no. says the mother and explains the story and how everything is going to be ok from now on.
A week passes and everyone has all but forgot about the 2 bullet incidents until the mother gets home from work to see her son in tears on couch looking like a ghost.
Let me guess. says the mother. You peed out a bullet too.
No, says her son obviously spooked. I was jacking off and I shot the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8d8a/mother_of_triplets/
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Cartoonist found dead at home

Details are sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o8a13/cartoonist_found_dead_at_home/
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o89iq/a_polish_immigrant_went_to_the_dmv_to_apply_for_a/
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I’ve been searching for two years to find my wife’s killer

So far, nobody will take the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o84e2/ive_been_searching_for_two_years_to_find_my_wifes/
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I'd rather have Gabe Newell as President than Donald Trump.

That way, World War 3 would never be released.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o83g5/id_rather_have_gabe_newell_as_president_than/
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Tracking efficiency in dogs rises 300% when fed diets of salmon.

Give it a fish an' see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o80yl/tracking_efficiency_in_dogs_rises_300_when_fed/
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One little girl asks another

"Do you pray to the lord before meals?"
The other girl answered: "No, my mom knows  to cook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o80rj/one_little_girl_asks_another/
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...

You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o7n2j/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been to chernobyl

Fourteen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o7k0e/i_can_count_on_one_hand_how_many_times_ive_been/
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With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.

Because there is no delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o7jds/with_the_right_delivery_any_joke_can_be_funny/
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My boss told me to have a good day

So I left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o7i1d/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o7hzs/if_h2o_is_the_formula_for_water_what_is_the/
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My son said he wants to sleep with 1000 women before he reaches 30.

I said, "Don't be stupid, you have to sleep with 30 first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o7g8k/my_son_said_he_wants_to_sleep_with_1000_women/
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How do Vampires like their steak?

Any way is fine other than through their chest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o7eep/how_do_vampires_like_their_steak/
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I’ll always laugh at a good dick joke,

Especially when they aren’t very long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o7c0n/ill_always_laugh_at_a_good_dick_joke/
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A man walks into a bar with an alligator...

The bartender says "What the hell?! You can't bring that in here!"
The man replies "Don't worry, he's extremely well-trained. Here, I'll prove it."
The man places the gator on the bar, opens its jaws, and places his testicles in its mouth.
A few minutes pass and the man asks "See? Anyone else wanna try?"
Another man at the end of the bar says "Sure, but I don't think I can keep my mouth open for that long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o7681/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_alligator/
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What wouldn't MacGyver be able to escape from using a paper clip?

A desk job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o75u5/what_wouldnt_macgyver_be_able_to_escape_from/
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When cannibals don't feel like eating an entire person, which menu do they order from?

The Kids Menu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o75qx/when_cannibals_dont_feel_like_eating_an_entire/
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Whaddaya call a guy with no arms or legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o733y/whaddaya_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_or_legs_trying/
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A blonde goes shopping..

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv."
But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.
The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o71w4/a_blonde_goes_shopping/
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People always say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better...

But to me it just ruins the pineapple juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o6zbk/people_always_say_pineapple_juice_makes_your_cum/
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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o6ve3/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
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A cocky young fellow walks into a quiet neighborhood pub on a rainy night...

and takes a seat next to an old man at the bar, who's by himself.  "How's the field in here, grandpa?" he says, half joking.
"Sonnn, yerr waaastin' yerr time if ya think yyerrr goin' home with one'a these gooooody two-shoes!" the old man replies.  He's getting drunk by the looks of it.
"Listen, gramps, I'll show you a line you can use forever, but it can go either way.  You gotta deliver it just so.  Watch closely."
The old man smiles resentfully at the dude, who smiles back, scans the tables away from the bar, then walks over to one where a woman is sitting by herself and takes a seat across from her.
"Hi there!  Tickle your ass with a feather?" he says quietly.
"Excuse me?!"
"Oh, typical nasty weather out there.  Good night to be at a bar..." and the conversation goes nowhere.  A few minutes later, he returns to his seat at the bar next to the old man, who says,  "I tooold you, you cocky little sheeit!"
"Old man, just watch."
The young fellow spots another woman sitting by herself, walks over, and gives it another go.
"Tickle your ass with a feather?"
Her face lights up.  "Buy me a drink?"
The old man looks on in amazement, as the two talk excitedly for a few minutes, finish their drinks, pay, and leave.
By this point, his courage is at a high for the night, and his coordination the opposite.
Spotting a golden opportunity to try this out, he stumbles over to a table with an unaccompanied woman and falls into a chair.
"Heeey! Can I uhhh..", pausing to remember how it went exactly, "ssstick a chicken in yerr ass?"
"WHAT?  NO!"
"It'sss fuckin' snowin' outside!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o6ucj/a_cocky_young_fellow_walks_into_a_quiet/
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I've been told I'm condescending.

(that means I talk down to people)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o6r6l/ive_been_told_im_condescending/
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A mother takes her crying baby to the hospital.....

The doctor gets out his little exam light and ends up pulling a Lima bean out of the kids left ear, a baby carrot out of one nostril, a Skittle and two peas out of the other nostril and a hunk of pear out of the kids' right ear.
The mom cringes as she watches all of this, then asks the doctor what's wrong with the kid.
The doctor shrugs a bit and says, "I'm not sure yet, but for one thing, he certainly isn't eating right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o6qli/a_mother_takes_her_crying_baby_to_the_hospital/
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Vlad the Impaler must have really hated strict people

Because most of his enemies had a stick up their ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o6qav/vlad_the_impaler_must_have_really_hated_strict/
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A nice little cheer -

What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o6ozi/a_nice_little_cheer/
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You hear about bees being wiped out by the millions - why don't ants get sick?

Because they have little antybodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o6nwn/you_hear_about_bees_being_wiped_out_by_the/
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The other day my wife asked me to pass her the Chapstick.

I accidentally passed her the glue stick.  She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o6mdu/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her_the/
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It's a good thing emotional scars are invisible...

if it was, porn would be disgusting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o6kbq/its_a_good_thing_emotional_scars_are_invisible/
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Today a waitress got her finger stuck in the dishwasher

We had to fire both of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o6cxj/today_a_waitress_got_her_finger_stuck_in_the/
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Two monks are taking a shower together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.
Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.
Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to be a statue.
When the nuns walk past him they are suprised by how life-like the statue looks. The first nun is so curious, she pulls on the monks penis.
The monk is completely suprised and drops one of the bars of soap
"Its a machine to get a bar of soap!" The second nun exclaims and also pulls the monks penis. And sure enough he drops the second bar.
But when the third nun pulls nothing happens so she tries again. This goes on for a while and the other two nuns get bored and start to walk away.
Suddenly the third nun shouts: "Hallelujah! It also has liquid soap!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o6br3/two_monks_are_taking_a_shower_together/
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I asked a hooker if she's free tomorrow...

she said nah, same price

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o6alp/i_asked_a_hooker_if_shes_free_tomorrow/
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A southern baptist and her two daughters are shopping at the mall, when suddenly, the three are separated

In hopes of finding her children, she talked to the employee at the Customer Service kiosk
Southern Baptist Woman: I'm looking for my daughters, have you seen them?
Kiosk Worker: I can't say I have. May I have their names, please?
Southern Baptist Woman: My eldest daughter's name is Faith. I asked her to take her little sister shopping, but she just ran off with my credit card.
Kiosk Worker: I understand. We'll try to find them over the intercom. In the mean-time, please don't worry okay?
Southern Baptist Woman: It's too late for that! I already lost Hope!
I'm ^^^^so ^^^^^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o61wc/a_southern_baptist_and_her_two_daughters_are/
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Yo mamma so poor

I saw her kicking a can down the street. Asked her what she was doing and she said "Movin'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o5zqq/yo_mamma_so_poor/
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My brother is in the army.

He told me the war against North Korea will be unclear.
[Unfortunately, he suffers from dyslexia] (#s)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o5y3o/my_brother_is_in_the_army/
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What do you call a Frenchman who was attacked by a bear?

Claude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o5uou/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_who_was_attacked_by/
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What do you call optometry students?

Pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o5qdm/what_do_you_call_optometry_students/
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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. stop drinking?

It was making him moody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o5oz6/why_did_barty_crouch_jr_stop_drinking/
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Cute names to call your girlfriend with

1.sugar
2.honey
3.flour
4.egg
5.1/2 lb butter
6.stir
7.pour into pan
8.preheat to 375°

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o5oyg/cute_names_to_call_your_girlfriend_with/
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Have you met my vegetarian girlfriend?

Nah, I’ve never met herbivore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o5lzd/have_you_met_my_vegetarian_girlfriend/
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You know how I can tell my new sex toy was made in China?

She speaks chinese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o5lop/you_know_how_i_can_tell_my_new_sex_toy_was_made/
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I got a call from the pound

They wanted to tell me that they had picked up my dog because it was chasing a kid on a bike.
I said " That kid is a liar because not only does my dog not own a bike; he doesn't even know how to ride one yet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o5kb0/i_got_a_call_from_the_pound/
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This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date

So after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o5ka0/this_book_on_marriage_says_treat_your_wife_like/
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I was in the confessional booth today

...and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.
He shrugged. “If it bothers you, I’ll stop.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o5k0h/i_was_in_the_confessional_booth_today/
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A woman yells at her husband

W: I need feminism because your'e always pushing me around and talking behind my back..
M: But honey... You're in a wheelchair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o5hah/a_woman_yells_at_her_husband/
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Two guys stumble out of a bar on night to fight.

The first man draws a line in the dirt and says " if you cross this line i'll punch you"
That was the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o5d4b/two_guys_stumble_out_of_a_bar_on_night_to_fight/
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I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an on-line dating website.

That lying bitch isn't, "Fun to be around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o5747/i_was_furious_when_i_found_my_wifes_profile_on_an/
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Two Couples Were Playing Cards

Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"
Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o4zms/two_couples_were_playing_cards/
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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.”
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.” The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o4yml/a_man_suffered_a_serious_heart_attack_while/
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Why don't the men in the Middle East smoke weed?

Only the women get stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o4ye6/why_dont_the_men_in_the_middle_east_smoke_weed/
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A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

..... and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "$1".
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender
"Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bartender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o4tvf/a_guy_walks_into_the_bar_of_a_restaurant/
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Wife and technical support

Dear technical support.
Last year I upgraded my Boyfriend 5.0 program in to the version Husband 1.0 and I noticed that the new program has unexpected changes in its processing modules. The program limited the access to Flowers and Jewelry applications which worked perfectly under the version Boyfriend 5.0. Atop of it all Husband 1.0 uninstalled most of my programs like Romance 9.9, but he installed some modules that I have no idea what they mean! Programs like NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0 while on the other hand Dialog 8.0 and House cleaning 2.6 simply crash the whole program! I tried to help the situation with program Nagging 5.3, 5.4 and 5.5 but unfortunately I have accomplished nothing.
Desperate
--------------- ---------------
Dear Desparate,
You did not notice the declaration. Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment system while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please try to input the following commands >C:/ I_THOUGHT_YOU_LOVE_ME and install programs Tears 6.2.  That should automatically start the program in Husband 1.0 called Guilt 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. Please remember that overuse of this program can cause Awkward silence 2.5 and Beer 6.1.  Beer 6.1 is a particularly tricky application! Do not install Mother in law 1.0 I do not try and reinstall any of the older versions of the program Boyfriend. Both applications are not supported and will crash the Husband 1.0 system. All in all it is not a bad program but it has a limited memory and it can’t learn new applications that fast. You should consider getting another software like Spicy food 5.3 or Sexy underwear 1.0. Be careful how you use the application Nagging because it can lead to a secret virus called Mistress 1.0 which can be deleted with Private detective 5.8 or Attorney 9.8. It is very hard to do because it can lead to the reset of Husband 1.0 which demands installation of Husband 2.0.
Technical support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o4qg8/wife_and_technical_support/
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I finally figured out why god made women so confusing to men...

> Instructions unclear, dick stuck in woman.
Working as intended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o4q4q/i_finally_figured_out_why_god_made_women_so/
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Some diseases are airborne, some are waterborne...

But the Matt Damon disease is Jason Bourne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o4kb5/some_diseases_are_airborne_some_are_waterborne/
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A friend of mine got a seashell tattoo on her thigh...

If you put your ear up to it, you can smell the ocean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o4jau/a_friend_of_mine_got_a_seashell_tattoo_on_her/
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom...

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. He waits, and finally gets to purchase his tux.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge line there as well. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and purchases the rental of the limo.
Finally, the day of prom comes. The couple are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time.
When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o4gcw/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
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Getting time off from work

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that I wld do sumthing crazy
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was
doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A  few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I  jumped down and walked out of the office....
When my co-worker followed me,   Boss asked him, ‘And where do you think you're going?!
He said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark !!😝😝😝

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o4cbk/getting_time_off_from_work/
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An eye for an eye makes the world go blind

But at least we'll hear each other out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o49pc/an_eye_for_an_eye_makes_the_world_go_blind/
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10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...
God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o44sc/10_husbands_still_a_virgin/
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What did the midget say to the asian man?

Enjoy the little things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o41tl/what_did_the_midget_say_to_the_asian_man/
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I witnessed a kidnapping today, could have intervened... but I didn't.

I'm sure his mother would have slapped me for waking him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o3vzo/i_witnessed_a_kidnapping_today_could_have/
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It is so cold outside

That I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o3pkw/it_is_so_cold_outside/
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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he
hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts.
I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o3ovi/joe_wanted_to_buy_a_harley_motorcycle/
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Almost there

The wife invited her family over for dinner, and about one hour before they are due to arrive she realises that she has forgotten to buy the snails she planned for the entree.
She asks her husband to quickly go to the store and buy some, but warned him to come back straight away.
The husband, as usual, is not very keen on the dinner and decides to go to the pub right next to the shop for a quick beer after he has bought a large glass container full of snails.
Once at the bar,  he noticed that a few buddies of his was there, watching the football, and one beer led to another.
At about 2am he stumbles out of the pub and went back home.
The wife was furious, and went to bed as soon as the guests left, but at about 3am she hears a massive noise like breaking glass at the front door.
Thinking that it must be her husband, she opens the door only to find her husband on his knees with the snails all over the front porch, saying "ok guys , we almost there, just another few metres"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o3l78/almost_there/
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How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.
I’m serious that Israeli how he does it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o3kqo/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
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A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He says "give me 2 shots of-"
The bartender cuts him off and says "you only get one shot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o3k3n/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_owned_by_eminem/
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My parents got an Amazon Echo for Christmas and all they do is shout at it and get disappointed by all it can't do.

I've been replaced by Alexa and it's great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o3jm4/my_parents_got_an_amazon_echo_for_christmas_and/
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Teamwork

The Japanese invented Bukkake, and that is something everyone can come together over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o3fwl/teamwork/
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So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer...

The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer.
Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says:
-- What, have you never seen a naked woman before?
-- That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o3ej6/so_a_naked_woman_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a/
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In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.
The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.
But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the fire extinguisher .... stares at the fire for some minutes, does some calculations in his head - air flow, humidity, thermodynamic whatever - and then - with one blow from the extinguisher at the right point the fire is out and he goes to sleep again.
But the fire breaks out again. The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, sees the extinguisher - aaaah, the problem is solvable ... and goes to sleep again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o3cmk/in_a_hotel_a_engineer_a_physicist_and_a/
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So this drunk guy stumbles up to a cop...

And says, “excuse me officer I lost my car” and the officer says, “well where did you see it last?”
Guy: “it was right here on the end of my key”
Officer: “Alright well head down to the station and they’ll set you up with the proper paperwork, but before you go, you might want to zip up your fly”
The man looks down and says, “Awww man they got my girl too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o3bhy/so_this_drunk_guy_stumbles_up_to_a_cop/
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I've taken up speed reading. I can read War & Peace in under an hour.

I's only three words, but it's a start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o3685/ive_taken_up_speed_reading_i_can_read_war_peace/
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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o31us/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
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A attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Paul, I have good news and bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $1-2 million. I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o2yfg/a_attorney_representing_a_wealthy_art_collector/
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My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue...

Completely pale, no arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o2uu5/my_girlfriend_is_absolutely_beautiful_body_like_a/
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How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They’re both flying information.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o2up1/how_is_a_thrown_dictionary_similar_to_birds/
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A readhead tells her blonde step-sister "I slept with 2 Brazilian guys last night!"

The blonde replies, "Holy shit, you slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o2pcu/a_readhead_tells_her_blonde_stepsister_i_slept/
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No matter how much you push the envelope.

It’ll still be stationery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o2pcs/no_matter_how_much_you_push_the_envelope/
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I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it’s Trudeau.
Update 1: There are some rumours that are Justin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o2p7x/i_heard_a_rumour_about_the_canadian_prime_minister/
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What is the similitude between and air conditioner and a computer?

Opening windows makes both less efficient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o2obe/what_is_the_similitude_between_and_air/
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The Sixth Sense and Titanic are the same movie.

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o2nih/the_sixth_sense_and_titanic_are_the_same_movie/
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A plane was about to take off when a man burst out of the cockpit naked, yelling

"this is your captain streaking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o2ivg/a_plane_was_about_to_take_off_when_a_man_burst/
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If I had a dollar for every time people called me racist...

...I wouldn't be black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o2itp/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_people_called_me/
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Did you hear about the terrorist that took steroids?

He blew up overnight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o2e9f/did_you_hear_about_the_terrorist_that_took/
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An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink...

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o2drb/an_old_man_placed_an_order_for_one_hamburger/
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I asked my dad what it means to be gay.

But he didn't give me a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o2bbz/i_asked_my_dad_what_it_means_to_be_gay/
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Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It drove down the road and turned into a field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o26zc/did_you_hear_about_the_magic_tractor/
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One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man”.
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey”.
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier”.
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it”.
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT?”.
I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”.
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o2432/one_evening_last_week_my_girlfriend_and_i_were/
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What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o23zq/whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a_golf/
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A beekeeper was asked which species of bees he found to be the most pretty.

His reply: "Beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o23jw/a_beekeeper_was_asked_which_species_of_bees_he/
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When Tarzan and Jane first met

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o21gx/when_tarzan_and_jane_first_met/
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Why do cow farms stink?

They're full of dairy airs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o209l/why_do_cow_farms_stink/
%
Dark humor is like food

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o1wcj/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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My wife treats me like a god.

Every evening she places burnt offerings before me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o1ue9/my_wife_treats_me_like_a_god/
%
Has anyone heard of the disastrous news about the CPU chip flaws?

seems like bad intel..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o1s33/has_anyone_heard_of_the_disastrous_news_about_the/
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A mans luggage was lost on an airline, so he attempted to sue them.

Turns out he lost the case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o1rl3/a_mans_luggage_was_lost_on_an_airline_so_he/
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder...

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver  said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o1rin/a_taxi_passenger_tapped_the_driver_on_the_shoulder/
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Top Ten Worst Electrical Outlets

Number six will shock you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o1p1b/top_ten_worst_electrical_outlets/
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George Bush goes to a primary school

to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, What is your name?
Bob
And what is your question, Bob?
I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you president when al gore got more votes?
Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?
Just then, the bell rings for recess.
George bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, Ok where were we?
Oh, that's right. Question time. Who has a question?
A different little boy raises his hand.
George points him out and asked him what is your name?
Steve
And what is your question Steve?
I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of UN?
Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
Fifth, where is Bob?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o1npy/george_bush_goes_to_a_primary_school/
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The bartenders apples

Guy walks into a pub, he walks over to the bar and takes a seat. The bartender saunters over and asks him what he'd like. The man orders a rum and coke, and off the bartender goes. He comes back and places an apple on the bar. Confused, the man says "what's this?". "Just take a bite" the bartender says. So the man picks up the apple and takes a bite. "Oh my god!" The man exclaims, "it tastes just like rum". "Turn it around" the bartender says. So the man turns the apple around and takes another bite. "Dear God, it tastes just like coke!". Around this time another man walks in and sits down next to the first man. The first man tells the second the story of the apple, and as one would expect, the second man doesn't believe him. So they call the bartender over. The bartender asks the second man what he wants and so he orders a gin and tonic. The bartender comes back and sets an apple down. The second man picks it up and takes a bite. "Holy shit! It tastes just like tonic!" "Turn it around" the bartender says. He does so and takes another bite. "Fuck off, it tastes just like gin". The two men are in complete awe. A dwarf enters the pub and joins the other two men at the bar. He asks them what they are so excited about, as they are causing something of a scene. They tell him about the apples and how he can order whatever he wants and the barman will have an apple for it. So the dwarf calls the bartender over. He says to the barman, "these boys say you've got an apple that tastes like anything I want. So I want an apple that tastes like pussy." So, the bartender walks away, and comes back a few moments later with an apple. The dwarf picks it up the apple, stares at the barman, and takes a bite. "Fuck!" he shouts, "that apple tastes like shit!" The bartender looks him dead in the eye and says, "turn it around".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o1kao/the_bartenders_apples/
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A girl tied to rails

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "Aw man you won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. So I untied her, then we had sex over and over again in every position!!"
His friend replies, "Woah thats f*ckin awesome! Did you get a blowjob?"
"Nah, ^I ^couldn't ^find ^her ^head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o1jtv/a_girl_tied_to_rails/
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I like saying "see you later" to my friends when we are departing.

They always seem excited as if my blindness will be cured the next time we meet up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o1hxk/i_like_saying_see_you_later_to_my_friends_when_we/
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A blond is fed up with her life

A blond woman is fed up with life, so she goes out into the woods and hangs herself. A man walks through the woods, and sees the woman hanging from her waste on a rope tied to a tree.
"What are you doing?" - He asks.
"Hanging myself," she replies.
"Shouldn't the rope be around your neck?" he asks.
She replies, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o1gv5/a_blond_is_fed_up_with_her_life/
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On his 74th birthday an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.ʘ‿ʘ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o1ec1/on_his_74th_birthday_an_old_man_received_a_gift/
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I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o1d2n/i_get_that_the_me_too_movement_is_supposed_to_be/
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My girlfriend is a porn star

She’s going to be so pissed when she finds out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o18s2/my_girlfriend_is_a_porn_star/
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If there are three things I cannot tolerate

It's women, sexists, and hypocrites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o187d/if_there_are_three_things_i_cannot_tolerate/
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I have a joke about capitalism...

Hear it for just 3 easy payments of $4.99.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o14so/i_have_a_joke_about_capitalism/
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An Insomniac once told me.....

I will not rest until I find a cure for my insomnia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o13oj/an_insomniac_once_told_me/
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I think the kids next door stepped through my newly poured sidewalk

Don't have any concrete evidence though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0y8g/i_think_the_kids_next_door_stepped_through_my/
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I heard you were looking for a stud

Well, I've got the s,t,and d....all we need is the u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0xgb/i_heard_you_were_looking_for_a_stud/
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In the gym I have worked for 10 weeks and i am surprised at the result

I have lost 70 days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0vrn/in_the_gym_i_have_worked_for_10_weeks_and_i_am/
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Son: "Mom, Dad I'm gay"

Mom: -Stares at dad-
Dad: -Clenches fist-
Mom: "Don't"
Dad: -Sweats profusely-
Mom: "..."
Dad:  "HI GAY I'M DAD!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0ujy/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
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What does a blind man use to ski?

A skiing eye dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0pml/what_does_a_blind_man_use_to_ski/
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What do air and sex have in common?

neither is a big deal until your not getting any

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0l6l/what_do_air_and_sex_have_in_common/
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I jack off in the shower so often...

...that I get a boner when it rains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0kwu/i_jack_off_in_the_shower_so_often/
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What happens when a communist cuts off his leg

He fucking dies what do you think happens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0jwz/what_happens_when_a_communist_cuts_off_his_leg/
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe out of that thing?"
My Uncle with whom I share a love of bad jokes told me that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0j4t/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
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A recovering alcoholic asked me if I wanted to hear a joke...

I said "Nah man, I don't do the dry humor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0i8y/a_recovering_alcoholic_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to/
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How many pounds does DJ Khaled plan to lose with Weight Watchers?

Another one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0hbi/how_many_pounds_does_dj_khaled_plan_to_lose_with/
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What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0ffk/whats_the_difference_between_erotic_and_kinky/
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Is it okay to hate certain races?

My friends want me to do a 10k but I don’t really like running more than 5k at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0ezd/is_it_okay_to_hate_certain_races/
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I wrote a dieting book.

I think it will appeal to a wide audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0dz2/i_wrote_a_dieting_book/
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My favorite sport is golf

Because the object of golf is to play the least amount of golf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0cje/my_favorite_sport_is_golf/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Cause seven was a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o0av4/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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The best part of winter

Is watching it on TV from California

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o091k/the_best_part_of_winter/
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When I have sex it's a race to see who comes first...

... Me or the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o08c8/when_i_have_sex_its_a_race_to_see_who_comes_first/
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A Native American shaman had an apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."
The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"
The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."
The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and the next day the shaman left on his long trip.
But the apprentice turned out to be a terrible shaman. Within a week, the chief could not take it anymore, and left to search for the old shaman. He found him and begged, "Please come back to tribe."
The shaman asked, "Why should I come back?"
The chief tried bribery. "If you come back, I feed you belly full."
The shaman agreed, so they both went back, and the chief gave the shaman a big meal.
When the apprentice saw his mentor had returned, he asked, "Why back so soon?"
The old shaman explained, "Full me once, shaman you. Full me twice, shaman me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7o02vq/a_native_american_shaman_had_an_apprentice/
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So Jesus and Satan get in an Excel spreadsheet competition...

One day in Heaven, Jesus and Satan are bickering nonstop about which of them is better than the other. "I'm better than you in every way!" says Satan. "No, I’m Earth’s savior. Clearly, I'm the best," says Jesus. After long enough, God can't take listening to them arguing anymore and says “ENOUGH! We’re going to settle this right now. Whoever can fill up an Excel spreadsheet with the most souls within 24 hours will officially be considered THE BEST.” They both say “Deal!” and go about their competition.
So Jesus gets on his computer and starts meticulously typing in the names of each soul, one-by-one, line-by-line, at his own slow and steady pace. Satan on the other hand is using macros and going on the dark web and illegally downloading thousands of lists of souls and is just filling out his spreadsheet with all these different names. He’s feeling all cocky and arrogant. “There’s no way Jesus can ever get more souls than me!”
But then, with only 5 minutes to spare, the power in Heaven goes out and comes back on. When Satan looks at his computer screen, everything is empty! He quickly tries to type everything back in as best as possible, but time runs out and Jesus still has all the souls he had slowly typed in over the past 24 hours. God announces “Jesus wins!” At this point, Satan is fuming with anger and cursing after every breath. “It’s not fair, it’s not fair! I had so many souls! How could he have won?!”
God then stops him and says “Satan, listen… Jesus saves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nzyrq/so_jesus_and_satan_get_in_an_excel_spreadsheet/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his balls...

and the bartender says “What’s up with the wheel?” The pirate then replies, “Argh! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nzsv2/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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How do schools of fish meet their annual goals?

They call in a-fish-in-sea experts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nzstv/how_do_schools_of_fish_meet_their_annual_goals/
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When can a woman make you a millionaire?

When your a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nzq9l/when_can_a_woman_make_you_a_millionaire/
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When Vanna White dies...

I hope her family will receive a lot of touching letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nzpjn/when_vanna_white_dies/
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First time with a condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nznku/first_time_with_a_condom/
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Earlier today, my friend was in the kitchen and spilled hot queso all over her feet.

Guess she had Tostitos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nzmc2/earlier_today_my_friend_was_in_the_kitchen_and/
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I saw a Spanish magician last night.. he said "uno, dos.."

And then he disappeared without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nzltn/i_saw_a_spanish_magician_last_night_he_said_uno/
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My wife is a one-legged mannequin

I just can't stand her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nzkdc/my_wife_is_a_onelegged_mannequin/
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Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell you they’re vegan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nzhx8/why_did_the_vegan_cross_the_road/
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Sure black people can be racist.

It's just that white people are so much better at it like we are at everything else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nzer5/sure_black_people_can_be_racist/
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whenever my wife starts singing around the house I immediately go into the yard

That way the neighbors know I'm not hitting her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nzcwn/whenever_my_wife_starts_singing_around_the_house/
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I wanted to go see the movie "Constipation"

But it is not out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nz85l/i_wanted_to_go_see_the_movie_constipation/
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The rotation of Earth. . .

really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nz1q3/the_rotation_of_earth/
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What does an 80-year-old woman have between her knees that a young woman doesn't?

Her tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nyy5k/what_does_an_80yearold_woman_have_between_her/
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What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nywbo/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_boy/
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What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?

You just push it aside and keep on eating!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nyu78/what_do_parsley_and_pubic_hair_have_in_common/
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What's the similarity between a mobile phone and a clitoris?

Both turn on with the touch of a finger and every cunt's got one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nyth9/whats_the_similarity_between_a_mobile_phone_and_a/
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Three men are chatting about thier girlfriends.

The Italian man says, 'When I've finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches above da bed in ecstasy'.
His French friend replies, 'Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer sole of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy'.
Thier Aussie mate adds, 'Mate, that's nothing. When i've finished shaggin' me chick, I get out of bed, Walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. She hits the fuckin' roof!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nyq0e/three_men_are_chatting_about_thier_girlfriends/
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When one door closes another one opens

“That’s all well and good”, I told the car dealer, “but I’m not buying the car until you fix it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nyoio/when_one_door_closes_another_one_opens/
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My wife and I are playing the passive aggressive thermostat game...

She is currently winning 73 to 68

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nyobe/my_wife_and_i_are_playing_the_passive_aggressive/
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I hate when people can’t tell the difference between “you’re” and “your.”

There so stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nykd6/i_hate_when_people_cant_tell_the_difference/
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I got a text from my life coach today.

He said I didn't make the team.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nyi8n/i_got_a_text_from_my_life_coach_today/
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What do you call a lizard that smokes weed?

A mariguana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nyfbi/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_that_smokes_weed/
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I hurt my back in Egypt

So I went to see a cairo-practor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nyf8d/i_hurt_my_back_in_egypt/
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My weed and vodka store is doing really well.

Everyone who shops there leaves with high spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nyf7a/my_weed_and_vodka_store_is_doing_really_well/
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“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nycsb/hey_dad_have_you_seen_my_sunglasses/
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1848: You Have Died of Dysentery

2018: You Have Died From Having To Pump Your Own Gas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ny499/1848_you_have_died_of_dysentery/
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The most important quality

First year medical students were receiving their first anatomy class with a cadaver. They all gathered around the table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them;
“In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities: the first is that you can not be disgusted by anything involving the human body”.
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
“Go ahead and do the same thing,”
The students hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them;
“The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ny3rv/the_most_important_quality/
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I was standing just next to Aj1t Pa1 when he was using Tor Browser ...

I peeked at his PornHub account and his username was AJ1T_3.14Inches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ny0ce/i_was_standing_just_next_to_aj1t_pa1_when_he_was/
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My friend beat a bunch of people playing Mortal Kombat...

...so I called him an asshole. He turned around confused. "Why?" "Because you rekt 'em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nxzj2/my_friend_beat_a_bunch_of_people_playing_mortal/
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I was quite flexible when I was younger

The kids used to call me Spiderman because my uncle was murdered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nxwq3/i_was_quite_flexible_when_i_was_younger/
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Why do so many black people name their kids Monica..?

You always hear them:  *“Whatup Monica?”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nxprb/why_do_so_many_black_people_name_their_kids_monica/
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Old Soviet joke. A woman runs to catch a bus.

She just makes it in time. "Thank God!" She exclaims as she gets on.
The bus driver shakes his head disapprovingly. "You know you cannot give thanks to God," he says. "You must instead give thanks to Comrade Stalin."
"And what if Comrade Stalin dies?" Asks the woman. "What should I do then?"
"Well if Comrade Stalin dies, then you can give thanks to God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nxpf8/old_soviet_joke_a_woman_runs_to_catch_a_bus/
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I didn't understand why my friend got a new mouse...

But then it just kinda clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nxn0q/i_didnt_understand_why_my_friend_got_a_new_mouse/
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The first time I went to Starbucks..

The man getting served in front of me asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."
The guy was fuming. "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" “This is B.S.” he raged. "Fine! Just give me a darned latte!" He went and sat down, grumbling.
I went to the counter and said, "I'll have a large latte too, please." They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready. So I told them my name was Mocha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nxlar/the_first_time_i_went_to_starbucks/
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[OC] A Hispanic man died from fear

I don't think Hispanicing anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nxkrq/oc_a_hispanic_man_died_from_fear/
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Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?

It helps with division.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nxi8z/why_do_a_lot_of_math_nerds_wear_glasses/
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When the can opener is broken

Is it a can't opener?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nxgi3/when_the_can_opener_is_broken/
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What kind of wine do horses drink?

Caberneigh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nxbod/what_kind_of_wine_do_horses_drink/
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My wife is so good at multi-tasking.

She can have sex and fall asleep at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nx5cz/my_wife_is_so_good_at_multitasking/
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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nx41s/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_going_down/
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What's the difference between a hooker and farting after eating spaghetti?

One gets paid to have sex and the other's a pasta toot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nwysn/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_farting/
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the bad joke

A man goes to his doctor for a checkup.
After the tests are done, the doctor asks the man to bend over for a prostate exam. The man drops his pants and bends over.
While the man is grunting due to the doctors fat finger, the doctor says
"Wanna see a magic trick?"
the man says "Ookay?"
The doctor says "Look NO HANDS" showing his hands to the patient

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nwxr8/the_bad_joke/
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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician enter a competition

The goal is to surround 10 sheeps with the minimum amount of wood to be used as fence.
The engineer goes first. Armed with the knowledge that the best perimeter to area is a circle, gathers the sheep together and build a circular fence around them.
The crowd goes crazy! That is unbeatable!
The physicist is unimpressed. Used to working with non Euclidean planes, he herds the sheep to a small elevation in the terrain and manages to build an even smaller fence around them.
The crowd can’t believe it! Surely that can’t be beaten!
The mathematician observes. After a long ponderation, he builds a tiny circle around him self, and looks satisfied.
To the puzzled crowd he than announces: “I am on the outside”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nwvhc/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_a_mathematician_enter/
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He: "You are the nicest, most wonderful, and most beautiful woman, that I ever met!"...

She: "Ah, you only want to get me in your bed."
He: "And you are intelligent as well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nwvc9/he_you_are_the_nicest_most_wonderful_and_most/
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what is forrest gump's password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nwt3b/what_is_forrest_gumps_password/
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Why did the tomato blush? (I need other food grocery themed jokes too please!)

Because he saw the salad dressing! I am a cashier at a grocery store and need new food themed jokes! Please and thank you so much!!! I love you reddit fam happy new year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nwo88/why_did_the_tomato_blush_i_need_other_food/
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How many pilots do you need for a good song?

At least 22.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nwno6/how_many_pilots_do_you_need_for_a_good_song/
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My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues...

Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nwncj/my_boyfriend_left_me_because_of_my_anxiety_issues/
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An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma.

While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde.
So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while… He climaxes loudly.
Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause.
She replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
“No. I’m Swedish.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nwj9g/an_italian_guy_is_out_picking_up_chicks_in_roma/
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What do you call a Mexican dude who helps you assemble stuff?

Manuel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nwgew/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_dude_who_helps_you/
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My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...

Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nw8rx/my_daughters_boyfriend_still_doesnt_know_how_to/
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I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas...

... but is she grateful?  No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nw6uj/i_always_take_my_wife_morning_tea_in_my_pajamas/
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Some cause happiness wherever they go

Others whenever they go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nw6tj/some_cause_happiness_wherever_they_go/
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A gorilla dies at an old age

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nw4wk/a_gorilla_dies_at_an_old_age/
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My wife's female intuition is so finely tuned...

...she knows I'm wrong before I even open my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nvver/my_wifes_female_intuition_is_so_finely_tuned/
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The time of year has finally arrived when the degrees outside are like shots of whiskey. . .

. . .I need about thirty more to be comfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nvt7m/the_time_of_year_has_finally_arrived_when_the/
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I discharged my cat because she was all staticky

It's dangerous to have charged cat-pacitors laying around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nvqnu/i_discharged_my_cat_because_she_was_all_staticky/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nvoa0/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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You got some sodium hypobromite?

NaBrO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nvmzt/you_got_some_sodium_hypobromite/
%
"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,

"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nvith/back_in_the_day_my_grandfather_started_to_say/
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How do you cut the sea in half?

With a seesaw (I'll see myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nvhmj/how_do_you_cut_the_sea_in_half/
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Why are the wheels of the trains made with iron and not rubber?

Because if they were made with rubber, they would erase the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nvfti/why_are_the_wheels_of_the_trains_made_with_iron/
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A woman showed up at my house today

She said ”Tell your son to stop copying me!”
”Johnny! Stop acting like an idiot!” I shouted to my son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nvfd2/a_woman_showed_up_at_my_house_today/
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If you think having a runny nose is fun...

Well, it snot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nvcoe/if_you_think_having_a_runny_nose_is_fun/
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If you're born in September...

...that means your parents started out the New Year with a bang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nvc5l/if_youre_born_in_september/
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A man went out a cold winter day

on the ice and started drilling a hole.
”Theres no fish under the ice!” a voice said. But the man just ignored it and continued to drill
”Theres no fish under the ice!” The voice said again. The man got nervous
”Is it God speaking?” He asked
”No the is hockey coach. Now get out of the ice hockey hall!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nv8ay/a_man_went_out_a_cold_winter_day/
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If Hooters had a delivery option

Would it be called Knockers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nv5qm/if_hooters_had_a_delivery_option/
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A Butcher is Selling Meat and Has One Chicken Left

A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.
A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.
The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.
The woman takes a look at the chicken and asks the butcher if he has any larger chicken.
The butcher takes the chicken and puts it back in the freezer. He waits a minute, pulls the same chicken back out of the freezer, and returns. He puts it in front of the woman and says this is a bigger chicken.
“Great!” Says the woman, “I’ll take them both!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nv5gx/a_butcher_is_selling_meat_and_has_one_chicken_left/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nv2n6/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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If I had a 25 cents every time I failed my math test

I'd have $3.82

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nuxs1/if_i_had_a_25_cents_every_time_i_failed_my_math/
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Why sharks circle

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nux2s/why_sharks_circle/
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An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nute7/an_artist_lives_next_to_a_marsh/
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How did the hipster burn his lip?

They drank the coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nurdh/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_lip/
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I Went To An Emotional Wedding Last Week,

Even The Cake Was In Tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nur6y/i_went_to_an_emotional_wedding_last_week/
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A dam breaks and a city gets flooded

Everybody runs except for a priest who continues to pray in the church.A man with a car sees him and tells him to hop on. The priest replies "no thanks,God will save me."Time passes and the priest is knee deep in water.A guy in a boat sees him and also tells him to hop on.But the priest again declined and said that God will save him.Time passes again and the whole church gets filled with water.So the priest climbs on the roof.Once on the roof a helicopter aproaches him.The pilot gives him a ladder and tells him to climb in the helicopter.But just like before the priest declines and says that God will save him.Time passes again the water reaches the roof and the preist drowns.After he dies the priest reaches heaven and asks God why didn't he save him.God replies:"Oh so the car the boat and the helicopter weren't enough for you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nuoar/a_dam_breaks_and_a_city_gets_flooded/
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Men in a high security prison

A man is locked up in a high security prison where you are locked in a cell all day with only a  single cellmate. That night he hears the other prisoners yelling and laughing. One prisoner would yell a number, and the rest of the prisoners would laugh. The next morning the man asks his cellmate about it. The cellmate says that the guards won't let the prisoners tell jokes, so they memorized all their favorite jokes and numbered them. To prove this, the cellmate yells"12!" And everyone starts cracking up, someone yells back "8" and everyone laughs even harder. So the man decides he wants to try. He yells out "4" and is met with silence. He turns to his cellmate who looks at him and says "you didn't tell it right".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7numr7/men_in_a_high_security_prison/
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What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nukkx/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
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I have a friend who's selling a velcro wig for $100

It's a rip off if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nuj32/i_have_a_friend_whos_selling_a_velcro_wig_for_100/
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Jesus at the last supper

*(breaks bread)*  This is my body
*(pours wine)*  This is my blood
*(opens jar of mayo)*
Judas: Let's just stop right there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nuigs/jesus_at_the_last_supper/
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Why was the circle sad?

Everyone called him pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nugp0/why_was_the_circle_sad/
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The truck driver and the faggots

A truck driver is driving through a dark road when out of nowhere a man all dressed in red appears in font of him, in the middle of the road. The driver presses the brakes as hard as he can, making them  screech, and making the truck drift and almost tip. Furious the driver climbs down the truck, slams the door and walks to the red dressed man ready to yell at him. Before he could do that, the man says, in a girly voice:
- "Hi! I'm the red faggot, do you have anything to eat?"
The driver, pissed at him, finally starts yelling, "what the hell? are you goddamn crazy? Standing there,in the middle of the road...do you wanna get killed? Red faggot?...jesus christ!".
He keeps yelling while getting back to the truck and continues on driving down the dark road.
A few miles ahead, a man all dressed in white appears in front of the truck. With the same effort the driver manages to fully stop the truck, almost causing it to tip to it's side. Angry, he gets out of the truck, yelling: "this shit again, what the hell man?"
The man in white, again using a girly voice, replies:
-"hey, I'm the white faggot, do you have anything to drink?"
The driver couldn't believe it.
-"is everyone crazy tonght? No, I don't have anything to drink you idiot, I almost killed you."
The driver got back to the truck and kept driving. Soon after, he saw a man all dressed in blue right in the middle of the road, waving at him. He was incredulous with what the hell was happening that night. He pressed the brakes, the truck screeched and drifted again. The driver opens the door, climbs down and yells:
-"Seriously, what the fuck? You crazy motherfucker! Let me guess, you are the blue faggot? What do you want?"
- Licence and registration please...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nug04/the_truck_driver_and_the_faggots/
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Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

Because he hated capitalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nuct8/why_did_stalin_only_write_in_lowercase/
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I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nubet/i_have_just_started_a_sexual_relationship_with_a/
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I'm calling in sick today because I have an eye problem

I don't see myself coming into work today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nu1za/im_calling_in_sick_today_because_i_have_an_eye/
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The chemistry professor says to his students:

"There's deadly gas in this bottle. What steps do we take in case it breaks?"
"Fast steps"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nu1vv/the_chemistry_professor_says_to_his_students/
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Took The Shell Off Of My Racing Snail,

I Thought He Would Go Faster But It Only Made Him 'Sluggish'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nu0n3/took_the_shell_off_of_my_racing_snail/
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"Sir, why do you want to divorce your wife?"

"She goes to bars and pubs every night."
"Are you lying to me?"
"No, she's looking for me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nu0g8/sir_why_do_you_want_to_divorce_your_wife/
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If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ntwnz/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_everytime_someone_called_me/
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Working In a Mirror Factory Is Really-

Something I Really See Myself Doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ntw4b/working_in_a_mirror_factory_is_really/
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I Tried To Catch Some Fog Yesterday.

I Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ntutp/i_tried_to_catch_some_fog_yesterday/
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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts...
"What the fuck was THAT?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ntu00/an_outofwork_actor_gets_a_call_from_his_agent_one/
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Who's the last person you want to hang around ?

Logan Paul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ntssk/whos_the_last_person_you_want_to_hang_around/
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My girlfriend said I had OCD...

I quickly put her in her place...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ntkrz/my_girlfriend_said_i_had_ocd/
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Doctor: How's your headache?

Husband: She's out of town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ntboi/doctor_hows_your_headache/
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I had to take a drug test

I failed with flying colors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ntb00/i_had_to_take_a_drug_test/
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What kind of water do cats like?

Purrrified water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nta29/what_kind_of_water_do_cats_like/
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I should have never started with this site.

I regreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nt4fl/i_should_have_never_started_with_this_site/
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Did you know that amputation is the most expensive form of surgery?

I hear it can cost you an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nt3s4/did_you_know_that_amputation_is_the_most/
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Me and My friend Bet 500 dollars on who could throw a slap of beef to the greatest altitude above sea level...

The steaks have never been higher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nt2zt/me_and_my_friend_bet_500_dollars_on_who_could/
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What do you call a Russian that is procrastinating

You call him Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nsxed/what_do_you_call_a_russian_that_is_procrastinating/
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A man with a black eye takes a seat on a plane and notices the guy next to him has one as well.

"How did you get yours?" He asked
"A Freudian slip at the ticket gate," he replies "the girl selling the tickets was beautiful busty blonde. When I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, I accidentally asked for a picket to Tits-burg and she clocked be right in the eye. How about you? How'd you get your shiner?"
"It's so funny you should say that," answered the first man "mine was from a Freudian slip too! I was at the breakfast table with my wife this morning. What I meant to say was 'Could you please pass the sugar, honey?' But what I accidentally said was 'You fucking bitch, you've ruined my life'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nsvpp/a_man_with_a_black_eye_takes_a_seat_on_a_plane/
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Melania is talking to Janet Yellen at a party...

They talk about the the improving economy, the Fed, whether quantitative easing really was a good idea, about how Janet will be retiring soon. They have a few drinks and Melania becomes less guarded. Janet asks Melania about the hand slap incident on the tarmac.
Melania: Donald can be such a pig sometimes. He goes around grabbing women by the pussy but he wants me to be the perfect wife. Sometimes it's too much and I can't take it any more.
Janet: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Melania (getting angrier): Sometimes when I'm really mad and he comes to bed and touches me with those hands... It's all I can do not to scream.
Janet: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Melania (looking a little suspicious): Sorry Janet, I don't mean to be discrespectful but I don't think you really know how uncomfortable unwanted male attention can be.
Janet: Melania, when you look at me, I know all you see is a short frumpy, overweight woman with white hair. But let me tell you-- in my day, I was quite the looker and had many men pawing at me, grabbing me. And men are just pigs.
Melania (with eyes starting to open wide): Yeah... So what did you do?
Janet (in a matter of fact tone): I've found that one of the most effective things to do is something completely unlady-like. You know, let loose a big fart.
Melania (giggling): That funny!
Janet: Try it and see if it doesn't stop them in their tracks.
Melania: Well, I guess I have nothing to lose.
So Melania starts eating beans to get ready to fend off unwanted advances. A few days later, Melania is in bed and the Donald comes to join her. After a few minutes, she can feel him inching closer. His hands start wandering and Melania doesn't want any part of it. She pretends to be sleeping but Donald keeps going. His hands start grabbing at her pussy and Melania finally has had enough and lets loose with a monster fart. The sheets flutter and the odor starts wafting out from under the blankets.
The Donald is startled awake and says: Janet, is that you?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nslnx/melania_is_talking_to_janet_yellen_at_a_party/
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It's okay to drop the soap in prison..

.. your fellow inmates got your back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nsihr/its_okay_to_drop_the_soap_in_prison/
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Why didn’t the Japanese guy get a high five ?

Because Logan Paul left him hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nsibx/why_didnt_the_japanese_guy_get_a_high_five/
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My friend Pierre tried to convince me to do drugs with him.

It was really hard, but I managed to resist Pierre pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nsg84/my_friend_pierre_tried_to_convince_me_to_do_drugs/
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I put my root beer in a square cup...

now all i have is beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nsams/i_put_my_root_beer_in_a_square_cup/
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Could you imagine a market in the Middle East?

Because that would be bazaar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ns9yw/could_you_imagine_a_market_in_the_middle_east/
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Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ns6xq/now_that_weed_is_legal_in_california_i_dont_need/
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4 little kids were arguing which one had the tallest dad...

The first one says: "my dad is the tallest dad of em all! when he raises his arms, he can touch the roof in our house!"
"that's nothing!" yelled the second kid: "when my dad raises his arms, he can touch the rooftop of the building we are living in!"
"oh yeah?" yelled the third one; "well, when my dad raises his arms, he can touch the biggest clouds in the sky!" to wich the fourth replies "these big clouds  your dad touches in the sky aren't clouds jimmy.. theyre my dad's balls"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ns55m/4_little_kids_were_arguing_which_one_had_the/
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Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice...

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get an air conditioner"
"I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor"
"Well, Danny, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?"
"Yeah, I've got a close friend, Frank"
"Well, ask your friend Frank to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Danny asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Danny is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.
Danny says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Danny takes the towel and starts wafting Frank, who is now making love to Danny's wife. Not long after, Danny's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"
Danny shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ns0ft/danny_cannot_make_his_wife_orgasm_so_he_goes_to/
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nrvi2/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_yesterday/
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Why don't chickens go to church?

Because they're Eggnostic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nrsfo/why_dont_chickens_go_to_church/
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My girlfriend accused me of cheating on her

I told her that she was starting to sound like my wife...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nrsa5/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating_on_her/
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Dog for sale.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Idaho and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.  The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.  In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a bullshitter.  He's never been out of the yard'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nrovo/dog_for_sale/
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A man decides to take a shortcut on his walk home from work

, passing by a street in front of a mental institution. On his way to work the next morning he decides to take the same route and walking by the psychiatric center he starts to hear someone at the other side of the 10 feet tall wall  shouting “six, six, six, six...” and it happened to be everyday around the same time.
After a couple of days, his curiosity gets the best of him and aided with a rock nearby he climbs the wall to stick his head and see what all the shouting was about. Instantly he gets hit by a rock and ends up on the ground. Then the guy on the other side of the wall starts shouting “seven, seven, seven....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nroaa/a_man_decides_to_take_a_shortcut_on_his_walk_home/
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What does Donald Trump and ISIS have in common?

Both take credit for things they didn't do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nrnil/what_does_donald_trump_and_isis_have_in_common/
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I've been considering moving to Sweden because of their flag...

...it's a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nrnhg/ive_been_considering_moving_to_sweden_because_of/
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What crime did the Energiser Bunny commit?

Battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nrmqj/what_crime_did_the_energiser_bunny_commit/
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What is the leading cause of divorce?

Marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nrmj8/what_is_the_leading_cause_of_divorce/
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You know the razor blade works...

if there are no reviews for it on Amazon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nrlq9/you_know_the_razor_blade_works/
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If you're born in September, its pretty safe to assume

. . . . your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nrkn9/if_youre_born_in_september_its_pretty_safe_to/
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What is the definition of a polygon?

A dead parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nrg4m/what_is_the_definition_of_a_polygon/
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Why are bakers so crazy for dough?

They don't want it, they knead it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nrc8a/why_are_bakers_so_crazy_for_dough/
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What did the sponge say to the sink?

Water you doing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nrc0h/what_did_the_sponge_say_to_the_sink/
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My girlfriend keeps pressuring me...

My girlfriend keeps pressuring me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic.
I told her, "No thanks, we'll do it on my own Accord."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nr6y0/my_girlfriend_keeps_pressuring_me/
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“Son, I don’t think that your cut out to be a mime”

Son: “Why, was it something I said?”
Dad: “Yes”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nr63l/son_i_dont_think_that_your_cut_out_to_be_a_mime/
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This year I resolve to be more confident and assertive...

...if that's ok with you guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nr41d/this_year_i_resolve_to_be_more_confident_and/
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I have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea

it runs in my jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nr3of/i_have_a_genetic_predisposition_for_diarrhea/
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A man walks into a bar.

He has a pig under his arm. "Where did you get that?" asks the barman. "I won him in a raffle" replies the pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nr33g/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I got a vasectomy,

But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nr2xf/i_got_a_vasectomy/
%
A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nqyw4/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
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Once there were 3 people in an airplane.

One took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane.
The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane.
Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane.
Then they landed and decided to go for a walk.
They first passed a little girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came down and killed my new kitty".
Next they passed a little boy who was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy, why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came down and killed my new puppy."
Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nqyqb/once_there_were_3_people_in_an_airplane/
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One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub,

drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nqvb0/one_sunny_day_in_ireland_two_men_were_sitting_in/
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It's so cold outside....

You could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nqqa8/its_so_cold_outside/
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What did the tie say to the hat?

I’ll hang around, you go on ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nqoh4/what_did_the_tie_say_to_the_hat/
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I entered a blindfolded masturbation tournament.

No idea where I came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nqnq4/i_entered_a_blindfolded_masturbation_tournament/
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nqmlx/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_20_years/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a drink

The barman hands him his drink
A few seconds later a tiny green creature jumps into his beer and shouts "FLUPPADUPPAGIBGAB!!!" And hops out and runs away
The man finishes his beer and goes home.
The next day he goes the same bar and orders another drink
The barman hands him his drink and again a few seconds later a tiny green creature jumps into his beer and shouts "FLUPPADUPPAGIBGAB!!!" And hops out and runs away
The man finishes his beer and goes home.
The next day he goes the same bar and orders another drink
The barman hands him his drink and again a few seconds later a tiny green creature jumps into his beer and shouts "FLUPPADUPPAGIBGAB!!!" And hops out.
But this time the man grabs the creature and says "If you jump in my drink one more time I'm gonna cut your dick off!!"
"But i don't have a dick" the creature replies
"Then how do you go to the toilet?"
"I go FLUPPADUPPAGIBGAB!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nqlkd/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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I need some new jokes for my deaf friend,

Preferably some he hasnt heard before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nqlf3/i_need_some_new_jokes_for_my_deaf_friend/
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My brother asked me which super power I'd like

Apparently the united states wasn't a good answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nqkv4/my_brother_asked_me_which_super_power_id_like/
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Where do you send your kid to be cured of ADD?

A concentration camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nqgoh/where_do_you_send_your_kid_to_be_cured_of_add/
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How do you call a triangle that eats other triangles?

A cannibal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nqd6i/how_do_you_call_a_triangle_that_eats_other/
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Why are hurricanes named after women?

When they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take you house and car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nqctg/why_are_hurricanes_named_after_women/
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Little Johnny asks his mum

'Where do babies come from?'
'The stork brings them,Johnny.'
Confused Little Johnny then asks, 'Who fucks the stork then, Mummy?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nq9a2/little_johnny_asks_his_mum/
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What do a 14 year old redneck and her unborn baby have in common?

The Father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nq7nz/what_do_a_14_year_old_redneck_and_her_unborn_baby/
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An Irish radio station

is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win €1000.
So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says, "Goan...G-O-A-N…Goan."
The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"
"Sure it is," argues the caller.
"Well then use it in a sentence," says the DJ.
The caller replies "Goan fuck yerself!"
The DJ quickly hangs up.
About 30 minutes and many calls later, no one has won the contest and the DJ answers yet another call.
When asked, the caller says, "Smee...S-M-E-E...Smee."
The DJ shakes his head and says, "I don't think that's real word. Can you please use that in a sentence caller?"
To which the caller responds, "Smee again......Goan fuck yerself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nq5nc/an_irish_radio_station/
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I was at a gas station...

I was at a gas station filling up my car. Nearby I see a woman smoking a cigarette.
I tell her, “You should stop that it’s dangerous.”
She ignores me and continues smoking.
A few seconds later her arm catches on fire and she starts waving it around trying to put it out.
I call 911 and a cop shows up and arrests her.
I ask the cop, “Did you arrest her because she was smoking at a gas station?”
He replies, “No, it was because she was waving a firearm.”
Credits to a substitute teacher for telling me this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nq3vo/i_was_at_a_gas_station/
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Why did Logan Paul go to the suicide forest?

To kill his career.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7npxxu/why_did_logan_paul_go_to_the_suicide_forest/
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What do you call two lesbians locked in a closet?

A liquor cabinet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7npqqu/what_do_you_call_two_lesbians_locked_in_a_closet/
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A guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building.

He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the same guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he reappears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the hell are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he or ders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an a**hole when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7npp21/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_on_the_top_of_a_very_tall/
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In Vietnam, what do you call a situation where both parties benefit?

Nguyen Nguyen situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7npkji/in_vietnam_what_do_you_call_a_situation_where/
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What did the stamp say to the envelope?

Stick with me and we'll go places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7npea1/what_did_the_stamp_say_to_the_envelope/
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If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex...

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7np84r/if_i_was_addicted_to_masturbation_and_then_i_got/
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A man writing in his diary:

I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7np1tq/a_man_writing_in_his_diary/
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What do you call a duck on drugs?

A quack addict

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7np0nu/what_do_you_call_a_duck_on_drugs/
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What’s the most comfortable empire?

The Ottoman Empire.
And much like that one, I’ll see myself out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7noyxn/whats_the_most_comfortable_empire/
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Three rednecks appeared on a Quiz show - Jim-bob, Bubba and Hank.

Somehow they made it to the final question worth $50,000.
The TV host said to Jim-Bob, "I will sing a song, leave 1 word
out. You must say the word and spell it ...Here it is - Old McDonald had a ....?
Jim-bob answers, "Cow, I spell it - C-O-W."
The host says, "You spelled cow right, but that ain't the right
word."
"Ok Bubba, now your turn", says the Quiz master, "Old MacDonald had a ...?"
Bubba answers, "Pig and I spell it P-I-G."
The host grimaces, "Well, again like Jim-bob, you spelled it
right, but it wasn't the answer I'm looking for."
"Well Hank, for the 50,000 dollar question, Old McDonald had a
…?"
Hank yells out "Farm!"
The TV host gets excited and says, "Excellent Hank, now please
spell it."
Hank answers - "E-I-E-I-O"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nowt1/three_rednecks_appeared_on_a_quiz_show_jimbob/
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A lesbian couple I know can’t afford the double-headed dildo they want

They’re really struggling to make ends meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nouid/a_lesbian_couple_i_know_cant_afford_the/
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Why wouldn't the pimp eat at the fast food restaurant?

He preferred his meals Ho-made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7notcg/why_wouldnt_the_pimp_eat_at_the_fast_food/
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Sometimes it's very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7not4n/sometimes_its_very_important_if_a_sentence_was/
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Australians don't have sex

Australians mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nocs3/australians_dont_have_sex/
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Two Deer walk out of a Gay Bar

One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nobxs/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7noanr/what_is_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean/
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Hindus are so chilled out.

They never have beef with anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7noalh/hindus_are_so_chilled_out/
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Did you hear about the shooting at the deaf school?

Neither did they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7no40u/did_you_hear_about_the_shooting_at_the_deaf_school/
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I'm 60 days clean now

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7no3rj/im_60_days_clean_now/
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What do you call a sneezing fit?

A sneezure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7no30c/what_do_you_call_a_sneezing_fit/
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Did you hear about the 120-year-old textile worker?

He dyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7no1lk/did_you_hear_about_the_120yearold_textile_worker/
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A blonde got a mail.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back
into the house. A little later she came out of her house again,
went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut
again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was
getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched
to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nnz0z/a_blonde_got_a_mail/
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A communist joke isn't funny

Unless everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nny2a/a_communist_joke_isnt_funny/
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Pinocchio could easily pass a polygraph.

Too bad his lies are too on the nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nntv9/pinocchio_could_easily_pass_a_polygraph/
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A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached  him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?
The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims
across the river and back".
"Bullshit" the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the
water and says "watch this". The turtle swims out and the two
men are standing there waiting.
Ten minutes goes past and the officer says "well where's the turtle?".
The man replies - "what turtle"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nnre1/a_man_is_sitting_on_the_bank_of_a_river_with_a/
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Captain Kirk actually has 3 ears.

The first is the left ear, the second is the right ear, and then there's the final frontier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nnppc/captain_kirk_actually_has_3_ears/
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What Do Reddit and My Toilet Have In Common?

I find myself getting stuck on them every morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nnms6/what_do_reddit_and_my_toilet_have_in_common/
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If you ever find yourself in prison, don't drop the soap.

It's full of criminals and you may not get it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nnmay/if_you_ever_find_yourself_in_prison_dont_drop_the/
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What do you call a cow that has given birth?

De-*calf*-inated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nnlkj/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_has_given_birth/
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My friend is a magician and he said he could make a chicken hatch back into an egg

But first he would need to add a rear door to the chicken coupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nnljo/my_friend_is_a_magician_and_he_said_he_could_make/
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My motto is "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

They don't let me volunteer for the suicide prevention hotline anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nniri/my_motto_is_if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_try_try/
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Police are searching for a fugitive chef after he killed a customer who was arguing about spices used in a dish.

They are saying it's only a matter of thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nnfb5/police_are_searching_for_a_fugitive_chef_after_he/
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What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?

His butt quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nnbcp/what_do_you_see_when_a_duck_pulls_down_his/
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A man was in hospital for a series of tests.

The last of which left his digestive system slightly worse for wear. upon making several false alarm trips to the loo, he figured that he might as well stay put. Suddenly, however, he shat in his bed and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the sheets and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing and swinging his arms violently in an attempt to free himself of the bed linen. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As he stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (who had witnessed the entire faecal incident) walked up to him and asked, What the hell is going on?' The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, 'I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nn918/a_man_was_in_hospital_for_a_series_of_tests/
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A young man was struggling to decide what to wear to a fancy dress party

But eventually had a brain wave. When the host answered the door to find the guest standing there in his Y-fronts he asked him what he was supposed to be? 'Premature ejaculation - I just came in my pants!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nn65v/a_young_man_was_struggling_to_decide_what_to_wear/
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A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot

and ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity will probably make this unattractive and suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork. 'What do you think?' the wife asks, seeking his approval. 'Eh, who the hell is Bob? the husband replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nn555/a_woman_is_frustrated_with_her_love_life_because/
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Time flies like an arrow...

Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nn49k/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
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A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.

There is an obvious attraction between them and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place and, as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears fill a shelf the length of the wall; medium-sized ones adorn a shelf a little higher, and huge bears sit side by side on the top shelf. The man is surprised that this sexy woman should own so many cuddly toys, but he decides not to let it bother him. Instead, he turns to her and kisses her passionately on the lips. After just seconds they are ripping each other's clothes off and having wet and wild sex. After their intense sex session they are lying there together in the afterglow and the man asks, Well, love, how was it?' She says, 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nn3w1/a_man_meets_a_gorgeous_woman_in_a_bar/
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What do you call a hipster vampire?

Dra-cool-a

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nn3bp/what_do_you_call_a_hipster_vampire/
%
Why is Uranus classified as a planet

and not as a Black Hole?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nn2s4/why_is_uranus_classified_as_a_planet/
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I bought my mother in law a chair for her birthday...

But my wife wouldn't let me plug it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nn1x3/i_bought_my_mother_in_law_a_chair_for_her_birthday/
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What do you call 5 artists stuck on an island?

Marooned 5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nmvvk/what_do_you_call_5_artists_stuck_on_an_island/
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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it.

It's still fowl language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nmub7/if_your_phone_auto_corrects_fuck_to_duck_its_okay/
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Equine Choir

I went to see the Equine Choir perform last night, they sounded amazing! Well, except for the Shetland Pony, he was a little hoarse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nmpcb/equine_choir/
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I farted in my wallet...

Now I have gas money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nmom5/i_farted_in_my_wallet/
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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nmkh6/what_kind_of_eclipse_is_it_when_the_sun_moves_in/
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What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nmjno/what_happens_if_a_danish_blonde_moves_to_sweden/
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The second day of the year is never as exciting as the first.

It's probably something about 1/2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nmfv5/the_second_day_of_the_year_is_never_as_exciting/
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A man is driving down the road.

When suddenly he sees a red man crying.He asks him "What's wrong with you?" The red man answers:"I'm a homosexual exiled from Mars and i am hungry" The man gives him a sandwitch,hops back in his car and goes further.He then saw a green man crying.He asks him again what's wrong and the green man answers:"I'm a homosexual exiled from Venus and i'm thirsty." the man gives him a bottle of water hops back in his car and goes further.Then he sees a blue man approaching.He tells the blue man:"Yeah yeah i know the drill.You're a homosexual exiled from some planet and what do you want?" the blue man answers "your license please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nmd9k/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
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My dad's sister doesn't speak with anyone....

We call her Aunty Social

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nmcrp/my_dads_sister_doesnt_speak_with_anyone/
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What's high in the middle and round on both ends?

Ohio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nm7ka/whats_high_in_the_middle_and_round_on_both_ends/
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I got jumped by 5 black guys downtown the other day...

The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nm34f/i_got_jumped_by_5_black_guys_downtown_the_other/
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What kind of bees make milk?

Boobees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nm32c/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk/
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A New study I read suggests that 1 in every 10 people are gay.

This is really creeping me out because I've gotten jerked off by 10 guys and it's almost guaranteed that one of them was gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nm2q9/a_new_study_i_read_suggests_that_1_in_every_10/
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Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nm28u/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that_died/
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Seven years of medical training wasted!

After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with a client and can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.
He'd a genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nm07q/seven_years_of_medical_training_wasted/
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Dyslexic criminals love weed.

It's the ultimate getaway drug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nly5i/dyslexic_criminals_love_weed/
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Everybody knows Dave!

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Trump," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nlwpo/everybody_knows_dave/
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I just found the best film that would describe my dad

Gone in 60 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nlvkq/i_just_found_the_best_film_that_would_describe_my/
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New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.

It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nlvjs/new_years_resolution_give_up_smoking_and_wanking/
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My new years resolution is to lose my virginity

I think its time after 85 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nls3e/my_new_years_resolution_is_to_lose_my_virginity/
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My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.
Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nlqsn/my_uncle_runs_a_clinic_inside_a_hotel_in_spain/
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-Son, remember that in many ways, life is like a display of fireworks on a clear winter night.

-Beautiful?
-Nope. A pure loss, but fun none the less!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nloon/son_remember_that_in_many_ways_life_is_like_a/
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I was going to make a joke about water...

But it wouldn't sound good coming from me, as people say I have a dry sense of humor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nlniz/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_water/
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A man gets out of jail

and is telling about his first day to a friend.
"So I came to my cell on my first day and there was this big scary dude, almost the size of our bed. He looked at me with his tough look and told me to either jump off the jail balcony, or take it in the ass."
The friend asks: "So, did you jump?"
"A little at first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nll7v/a_man_gets_out_of_jail/
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My wife was wondering why she was so itchy

I was wondering why she pronounced it with a silent b...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nlksj/my_wife_was_wondering_why_she_was_so_itchy/
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Jack walked in late to a sex-ed class...

Eh Jack, you late!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nlk0o/jack_walked_in_late_to_a_sexed_class/
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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy, one cold, blustery day...

The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend, who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned, the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nlfoc/an_amish_woman_and_her_daughter_were_riding_in_an/
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What’s the difference between a philosopher and an engineer?

$90,000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nlezp/whats_the_difference_between_a_philosopher_and_an/
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Today's people are getting worse.

I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nldrd/todays_people_are_getting_worse/
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Do you know the band 1023 MB?

Yeah, actually they haven't had a gig yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nlc95/do_you_know_the_band_1023_mb/
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A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.

She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway…… He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes……there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around, right?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel are $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00, and the catfish bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nlbij/a_woman_goes_into_cabelas_to_buy_a_rod_and_reel/
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My Strategy to Stop Drinking for A New Years Resolution...

It’s simple
I’ll only take a drink every time I see a pro-republican post get popular on Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nlaci/my_strategy_to_stop_drinking_for_a_new_years/
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65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nl70d/65000011_years_ago/
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Nate the Snake

Tim was an adventurous man, and he had quite a bit of money. One afternoon during work, Tim decided that he wanted to go driving on the dunes in egypt. So that weekend, he booked tickets to Cairo and took a few extra days off work. When he arrived in Cairo he took a bus to a smaller village with less people and laxer laws and rented a car to drive on the dunes. He went out the first time at night around 11:30 because his flight came in late.
Tim had a marvelous time on the dunes: driving up and down them, going far too fast, and of course, drifting. He was at it all night and was having fun but the sky was getting brighter and he decided it was time to head home. As he started off towards the village the car suddenly sputtered and died and try as he might, Tim could not start it up again. Tim kept trying to start the car, he had extra gas so it wasn't that, what could it be?
Eventually Tim figured out the battery had died. This worried Tim slightly but he remembered the village was to the east so he figured he could walk. The car compass said the nose was pointing east so he took his water bottle from the car and started walking off in that direction. What Tim didn't know was that the compass wasn't accurate because the car had died so he ended up walking west instead of east. He walked for a few hours at which point he climbed to the top of a large dune to see if he could see the village. From the summit he looked and could only see the car several miles back where he came from and then nothing but desert for miles and miles around.
Tim decided it would be best to head back to the car and around mid day he made it back. He then decided it would be best to follow the car tracks. He followed and followed them along but ended up back at the car. Confused and frustrated, he thought how that could happen. He concluded that because he was doing donuts, he ended up following the wrong trail. He set out again determined to find the right one; an hour later he was back at the car. He tried one last time but the wind was covering the tire tracks with sand making traveling not possible and he was forced to return to the vehicle. Tim by this point was desperate. He decided his only option was to just pick a direction and hope for the best. He collected what little remained of his water and a bottle of wiper fluid he had in his car in case he needed fluids and picked a direction and started walking.
By the time Tim left the car it was pushing 6 o'clock. He walked and walked for several hours and ended up at the foot of a large sand dune. Tim decided that his best chance of survival was to climb the dune so he set out. About 45 feet up he was feeling the burn and pretty soon it became too steep to climb. Tim got on his hands and knees determined to climb the dune. About half way up he chugged the last of his water and continued to forge on. About 3/4ths of the way up he felt like he was dying of dehydration and decided that having some fluids in him was better than none and he could be cured of the poison back in the town, so Tim drank the wiper fluid. The fluids in him again had him feeling rejuvenated and he pushed to the top of the dune.
When he reached the top his head was spinning from the wiper fluid but he had made it! He crested the peak and looked out into the falling sun expecting to see the village. Unfortunately all he saw around him was desert. Disheartened he looked to going back down the dune when he noticed something, a smallish wooden and straw structure half buried in the sand. He started crawling down the dune toward the structure, now fully feeling the effects of the poison. He crawled into an opening in the structure and by this time he was barely conscious. Inside the structure was a golden colored lever. This confused Tim, and when he stood up to try and push it, his head started spinning something bad and he collapsed into unconsciousness.
Tim woke up to light coming through the cracks in the building and felt rejuvenated. He felt healthy. "How is this possible?" Tim thought to himself, "am I dead?" Tim started to sit up, those questions floating through his head when all of a sudden he was face to face with a snake. And much to Tim's astonishment, the snake began to speak. "Hello I am nate the snake" The snake said. Tim was confused and scared but he worked up the nerve to sputter out a few "whats" and "hows." The snake interrupted Tim's unintelligible babbling to say "Travelers usually don't find this place, and the ones that do get 2 wishes. I saw that you were poisoned, dehydrated, and dying so I granted a wish on your behalf allowing you to survive and stay healthy without a need for food and water." This made about as much sense as any explanation that Tim thought of so he accepted it. The next question that came to Tim's mind concerned the lever. Nate the Snake began to explain: "The lever is a doomsday lever, in fact, this area used to be what you know as the garden of eden. This lever was supposed to destroy the world and all its inhabitants if the animals became corrupt or evil, since then humanity has spread all across the planet and we can't have the world ending now can we?"
Tim didn't quite buy it but the snake continued his story: "I am descendant of a generation of serpents supposed to guard this lever and make sure no travelers, such as yourself, wander across this lever and push it killing everybody." By this point Tim was so confident he was hallucinating that he just went along with it. The snake asked if Tim had any questions: "Ya so do you know where the village is?" Tim asked. Nate the Snake replied with a short "no" and continued to talk on about how Tim is the first person he'd seen in many many years, as it became more apparent that Tim didn't really care, Nate the Snake pointed out that Tim still had one wish. "Oh right!" Tim exclaimed and proceeded to ask Nate for an internal compass so that Tim would always know where he wanted to go. Suddenly, Tim knew the way to the village, it was about a days walk southeast of where the structure was. With that in mind, Tim thanked Nate and promised to visit again (still thinking he's hallucinating but at least he has a direction to go now) and he set out southeast to where he hoped the town was.
Tim stumbled into town later in the day convinced that he was just lucky and that the Nate the Snake encounter was a fever dream on account of the poison. He checked into a hospital and was given drugs to flush out the toxins but he was fine. He decided to cut his trip short on account of his odd adventure in the desert and he took a bus back to Cairo the next day then flew home. Tim continued his life where he left off, and he told all his friends about his ordeal in the desert, and he went on with his normal life for about 5 years.
Then one day Tim was going to go out to eat with is friends and something occurred to him: he hadn't eaten or drank anything in over a week, he'd just been too busy and didn't think of it. This puzzled Tim as he racked his brain to figure out why then suddenly the whole Nate the Snake encounter came flooding back to him. If he didn't need to eat or drink, that means the whole encounter much had actually happened! Tim became terrified then excited as he considered the possibilities of it then he remembered the promise he made to Nate to come back and visit him. He hastily bought a ticket to Cairo for the weekend and took a couple days off work. The flight was uneventful and he ended up in Cairo where he took a bus to the small village.
Tim didn't have the money to rent a car this time but since he didn't need to eat or drink he figured he could just walk to Nate's domain. With his internal map pointing the way, Tim set off into the desert to the Northwest and walked for the rest of the afternoon and well into the night. By the time the sun was rising behind him, Tim walked over the final dune and saw the small wood and grass structure that housed the lever. When Tim was approaching the structure, Nate the Snake slithered out in front of him. "Tim!" Nate the Snake exclaimed, "I thought you'd forgot about me" Tim felt blood rushing into his cheeks as he felt ashamed about forgetting, "Im sorry Nate, Ive just been so busy living my life and honestly, i chocked our whole meeting up to hallucinations due to the poison" "Thats understandable" nate said "Thank you for coming back though it really means a lot to me, anyway I have someone to introduce you to." As if on cue, a smaller snake slithered out. "Tim" Nate continued, "This is my son Joe" "Oh hi there" Tim said "Now tim," Nate said, "I actually have a huge favor to ask you, my son, Joe, will take over my job when I die and be bound to guard the lever forever. I want you to take Joe with you and show him the world, I know this is a lot to ask but please, I want him to see the world before he's bound to the lever forever"
Tim was hesitant but he figured that Nate had saved his life, so he owed him that favor. So after the meeting, Tim and Joe trekked back across the desert to the village and back to Cairo. Nate quit his job and they spent the remainder of his money traveling the world. Tim and Joe travelled Asia first, then the americas and finally they went to europe. It was around the 5th month of the traveling and Tim and Joe ended up in a bar in Norway. Over some beers they were discussing their plans next and Joe spoke up saying that they had been gone for a while and that it might be time to go back. Tim agreed that it was time and they flew out to Cairo a few days later.
They landed in Cairo and took the bus to the village and started walking the day and a half journey to Nate and Joe's home. After about 6 hours of walking, Tim and Joe came across a car half buried in the sand. Tim brushed off the sand and unburied it from the sand before climbing inside. After checking out the car and briefly looking at the engine, Tim concluded that it was in working order. Tim and Joe searched a little bit for a person to whom the car belonged but found nobody around, so they hot-wired the car and started driving to shave off many hours from their journey.
After a few hours of driving they were nearing the lever and started the last downhill section toward the lever. The car started picking up speed so Tim applied the break, and nothing happened. Tim started panicking and slamming the break but the car didn't slow down at all. "Whats wrong?" Joe asked with a tone of fear in his voice. "The car's breaks or jammed it isn't working" Tim and Joe both pushed on the breaks as hard as they could but nothing happened. They turned off the engine in desperation but the car kept sliding toward the structure, suddenly, Nate came out of the structure to the left facing away from the car but he couldn't hear because the engine was off. There was a flat area behind the structure so Tim figured if he just turned right he could roll to a stop.
Tim turned the wheel right but the car didn't shift at all because the tires were stuck in a groove. Tim kept trying to turn it but nothing was happening, he briefly by accident shifted the wheel left and the car moved. The car was going quickly toward the lever building and they had to make a move. Tim kept yelling "What do I do?" to Joe, he could either hit the building or move left and hit Nate because the car wouldn’t go right. Joe was rather quiet and then he looked Tim with tears in his and rested his tail upon the wheel and started pushing it to the left. Tim looked confused and scared as joe maneuvered the car so that it would hit Nate. Tim looked at Joe and asked, "Why?" and Joe looked back, crying now, and said:
Better Nate than lever.
Credit to u/WaviestMetal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nl5z9/nate_the_snake/
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What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nl5ng/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
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I called the suicide prevention hotline in Iran

They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nkr2m/i_called_the_suicide_prevention_hotline_in_iran/
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Roy Moore is no longer interested in this year..

Because it’s officially ‘18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nkpi9/roy_moore_is_no_longer_interested_in_this_year/
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3 guys are driving in the desert and their car breaks down...

Their destination is 2 days away on foot, so the guys decide to take pieces of the car so they don't die.
First guy says "I'll take the radiator, we can drink the water from this"
Second guy says "I'll take the hood of the car, it will give us shade"
Third guy says "I'll take the door, I can roll the window down if it gets too hot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nkn0g/3_guys_are_driving_in_the_desert_and_their_car/
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A guy is in the grocery store

when a pretty woman smiles at him and says hello. He's taken aback and can't place her.
"Do I know you?" he asks.
"I think you're the father of one of my kids," she says.
He racks his brain to think of how that could be. Then he remembers the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
"Wow," he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party who tied me down on the pool table and did it with me, with all my buddies cheering while your friends sprayed whipped cream on my butt? Boy that was insane."
"No," she says. " I think I'm your son's math teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nkkj0/a_guy_is_in_the_grocery_store/
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Two nuns are riding bicycles down a street.

One says "I've never come this way before."
The other replies "It must be the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nkjma/two_nuns_are_riding_bicycles_down_a_street/
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Kinky Sex

A man was sitting at a singles bar when he was approached by a woman.
"Excuse me, but is this seat taken?" She asked him, motioning to the empty seat next to him.
"No, It isn't." He said.  The woman sat down.
"Well, now that I'm sitting here, would you mind buying me a drink?" She asked.
"Not at all." the man said. He bought her a martini and another for himself.
"Well, now that we're drinking together, mind if I ask you your story?" she asked him.
"Not at all." The man said. "I'm recently divorced. I was really into kinky sex, and my wife wasn't, so we parted ways."
The woman's eyes widened.
"Well that's fascinating." She said. "That's my story exactly. I was really into kinky sex, and my husband wasn't, so he divorced me."
"Well that is fascinating." the man said.
"Well" said the woman. "Since we have so much in common, why don't you come over to my place, and have another drink there?" She said.
"Wouldn't mind at all" said the man.
Twenty minutes later they are at the woman's condominium. She settles him down in her living room with a drink, gives him a wicked grin and says:
"Don't move a muscle. I'll be right out."
The woman goes into her bedroom. She immediately strips down, inserts a butt plug with a pony-tail. She then puts on her best bondage outfit, thong and bra, and nine inch stiletto heels. She settles a leather cap on her head, grabs a bag of sex toys and a cat o nine tails, and starts to stride out into the living-room. Just as she's presenting herself she notices the man is putting on his jacket and getting ready to leave. The woman stands there with all of her sex gear, looking puzzled.
"Where are you going?" she asks him.
"Oh, I'm done" the man says.
"What do you mean, you're done?"
"I mean, I just shat in your purse and jerked off all over your shoes. I'm done." The man says, and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nkep8/kinky_sex/
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A Jamaican walks into a bar.

He loses the limbo competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nke9y/a_jamaican_walks_into_a_bar/
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How can you tell when an espresso has a cold?

It's a little coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nkdsk/how_can_you_tell_when_an_espresso_has_a_cold/
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An American, a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a German are on a plane...

When the pilot comes back and says "I'm here to inform you that there is an issue with the engines and we need to jettison some weight in order to make it to the airport. So, one of you is going to have to jump."
They all look at each other before the German gets up, goes to the door and yells "Germany Forever!" And jumps out of the plane.
The pilot goes the cockpit and comes back a bit later and says "Unfortunately, we are still having some issues with the weight of the aircraft, so another one of you is going to have to jump."
So after a pause, the Englishman gets up goes to the door, yells "God save the Queen!" And jumps out of the plane.
The pilot again goes back to the cockpit and again comes back a bit later saying "Unfortunately we still haven't lost enough weight to make it safely to the airport, another one of you will have to jump."
Without a pause, the American gets up, runs to the door, yells "God Bless America!" And promptly throws the French guy out of the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nkdcl/an_american_a_frenchman_an_englishman_and_a/
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It was the finals of a poetry competition

The finalists: An English Professor and A Redneck. The judge says, “Here is your task. Write a 4 line poem that ends with the word Timbuktu”
The English prof goes first on stage. His poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Ran a dusty caravan
Men in camels, two by two,
Destination: Timbuktu.
The crowd bursts into applause. Not to be deterred, the Redneck gets up and says,
Tim and I a-hunting went,
Met three whores in a pick-up tent,
They were three, and we were two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nk47p/it_was_the_finals_of_a_poetry_competition/
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There are three men that are all construction workers...

... one's a brunette, one's a ginger, and one's a blond. And every day at noon, they all sit together on top of whatever structure they are currently working on, and eat their packed lunches together.
One day, they opened their lunch-boxes to see what had gotten packed for them, and were not pleased with what laid inside.
"Ew,", the brunette groaned, "I've got a tuna sandwich. I hate those".
"Yuck", the ginger retorted, "I've got a tuna sandwich as well. I hate those rotten things".
"Gross!", the blond shrieked, "I've got a tuna sandwich, too! I hate tuna!".
But, they couldn't finish work on an empty stomach, so they sucked it up, ate their revolting sandwiches, and finished their workday.
Next day at noon, nothing had improved.
"Jesus Christ!", the brunette exclaimed, "I've gotten a tuna sandwich once more! Next time I get one, I swear, I'm gonna jump off of this skyscraper and kill myself!"
"Oh for the love of-", the ginger hissed, "I've gotten a tuna sandwich once more, as well! Next time I get one, I swear, I'm gonna jump off of this skyscraper and kill myself, too!"
"Oh, man!", the blond whined, "I've gotten a tuna sandwich once more, too! Next time I get one, I swear, I'm gonna jump off of this skyscraper and kill myself with you guys!".
However, even though the sandwiches were utterly vile in every way, the three workers couldn't finish work on an empty stomach, so they sucked it up, ate their revolting sandwiches, and finished their workday. Also, once they had gotten home, they all told their wives that they hated tuna in all of its entirety.
It was the next day, and of course, there was tuna in all of their sandwiches. So, as promised, they jumped off of the top of the skyscraper they were currently building, and died on impact with the ground below them.
Three days later, it was the three construction workers' funerals. The families of those deceased decided that it would be nice if the three workers had their funerals all in one, to symbolize the friendship that they all held in life.
Once everything was officially said and done, the brunette's wove cried louder than before, "Oh! I should have listened to him when he told me that tuna was his least favourite food! I'm the worst wife ever!".
After the brunette's sorrow-filled cries were heard, the ginger's wife tearfully spoke up. "He told me," she'd sniffle, "that he'd kill himself if I gave him tuna one more time. I thought he was kidding, I'm the worst wife ever!".
And then, the blond's wife simply shrugged and said "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7njzdv/there_are_three_men_that_are_all_construction/
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What’s worse than a wet, cold dog?

A wet hotdog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7njtml/whats_worse_than_a_wet_cold_dog/
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Satan appeared before a small town congregation and everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away...

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman, who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7njt1x/satan_appeared_before_a_small_town_congregation/
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7njse9/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
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A handsome man went into a hotel...

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.
Client: Is room 39 empty?
Boss: Yes, sir.
Client: Can I book it?
Boss: Of course you can.
Client: Thank you.
Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.
The boss agreed though he was surprised at the weird things the client asked to have.
The client went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else.
Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.
After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.
The boss didn't slept that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.
In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.
He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.
The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.
The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.
After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.
The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 79g.
This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.
Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face.
The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn't arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.
The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.
To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.
The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.
In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
Client : ''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
Boss : ''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
Client : ''Swear''
Boss : ''I swear I won't reveal your secret''
So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.
Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Up until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone.
When he does, I'll let you know...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7njrvv/a_handsome_man_went_into_a_hotel/
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Roy Moore missed the New Years Eve countdown.

He’s demanding a recount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7njqah/roy_moore_missed_the_new_years_eve_countdown/
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I asked Santa that i wanted to lose my virginity

think i should've been more specific.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7njobu/i_asked_santa_that_i_wanted_to_lose_my_virginity/
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19 and 20 got into a fight

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7njmun/19_and_20_got_into_a_fight/
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I thought the animal was going to be big

But it was just a merecat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7njgo8/i_thought_the_animal_was_going_to_be_big/
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Two blondes were walking through the woods

when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."
The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7njg02/two_blondes_were_walking_through_the_woods/
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Set your Apple face id to your cum face.

So if you're mugged for your phone at least they've got to wank you off first.
(c) Frankie Boyle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7njf5o/set_your_apple_face_id_to_your_cum_face/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

If we stick together we can stop this shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nj8lp/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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What disease do neck-beards get?

M’laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nj6ac/what_disease_do_neckbeards_get/
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Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31.

Unlike me, it had a date on New Year’s Eve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nj61o/just_checked_that_the_carton_of_milk_in_my_fridge/
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A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Maggie, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Chris
P.S. My mother tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nj4xp/a_young_man_called_chris_from_london_wanted_to/
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Girlfriends are a lot like $100 000

I've never had $100 000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nj4rm/girlfriends_are_a_lot_like_100_000/
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

....he was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nj387/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
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My girlfriend is a huge Harry Potter fan

She always wears an invisibility cloak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nj18r/my_girlfriend_is_a_huge_harry_potter_fan/
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What's the difference between a good joke and

A bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nj0i4/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
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An elderly, married couple walks into a hospital.

The doctor says to the old man, 'I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.'
The old man says, 'What?' So the doctor says it again. Once again the deaf old codger says, What?'
So the doctor yells it: 'I NEED A URINE SAMPLE A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!'
With that the old man's wife turns to her doddery husband and says, 'He needs a pair of your underwear'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7niztg/an_elderly_married_couple_walks_into_a_hospital/
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Jokes

Im new to reddit. Sorry if repost
After DC's first snow, Trump sees yellow writing in the rose garden saying "trumpy sucks".  Outraged he calls for a full investigation. Within 24 hours, the head of the FBI reports,  "We have good news and bad.  DNA proves the urine belongs to Mike Pence.  Unfortunately, it's in Melania's handwriting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nizm8/jokes/
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Difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple waits til you’re a teenager to come on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nizk2/difference_between_a_priest_and_a_pimple/
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A C-130 is being escorted by two F-22's

Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-22 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.
"That's nothing" says the second F-22 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular stunts. The two F-22's continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike.
"I bet you $1000 I can do something you can't" he says.
"It's a bet" says one of the F-22 pilots.
"Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-22 pilot comes back on the mic and says
"We didn't see anything, You owe us $1000."
"No, you owe ME $1000" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nixwt/a_c130_is_being_escorted_by_two_f22s/
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Dad and Son

A kid goes up to his dad and says "Hey dad, can you buy me an Xbox". The dad replies "Can your dick touch your asshole?". "No" the kid responds. The dad says "Well then there's your answer". The kid finds someone to buy the Xbox for him. The Dad see's the kid playing on the Xbox and says "Hey, you got it. Can I try?" The kid replies "Can your dick touch your asshole?". "Actually yes it can" The dad responds". Then the kids says "Well then go fuck your self".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nixgk/dad_and_son/
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Chemistry teacher: “can you give me the formula for water?”

Student: “h-i-j-k-l-m-n-o-.” Chemistry teacher: “where did you get an idea like that?” Student: “you told us the other day it was h to o.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7niw5u/chemistry_teacher_can_you_give_me_the_formula_for/
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Finally decided to introduce my girlfriend to my family for New Years, but they just would not get along.

My wife can be such a b!tch during the holidays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nitfx/finally_decided_to_introduce_my_girlfriend_to_my/
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A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar.

They sit down next to each other and get to Talking. Their chat soon turns to their sea Adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting Wars with the navy, and the pirate tells of robbing Ships and killing his enemies.
The sailor notices That the pirate has an eye patch, a hook and a Peg leg, and asks, ‘how did you get the peg leg?’ The pirate replies, ‘when i was thrown off my Ship and floated for two days until my crew Rescued me, my leg was bitten off by a shark As i was being pulled out of the water.’
The sailor, impressed, says, ‘wow! That’s very Exciting. But what about the hook?’
The pirate smiles, shining the hook on his coat Sleeve. ‘when i was sword-fighting with an Enemy pirate for treasure, he took it right off.’
The sailor’s eyes are wide with awe at how tough This pirate is, and he asks, ‘how did you get the Eye patch?’
‘well,’ says the pirate, shifting in his seat a bit, ‘a seagull s*** in my eye.’
The sailor looks puzzled. ‘you lost an eye from Seagull s***?’
The pirate sighs and shakes his head. ‘it was my First day with the hook.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nirvb/a_sailor_and_a_pirate_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a T-Rex that waits tables

A DINERsaur.
Suck it, dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nikeq/what_do_you_call_a_trex_that_waits_tables/
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I once held a door for a clown

It was a nice Jester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nij4r/i_once_held_a_door_for_a_clown/
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Which hospital ward is the best place to play peek-a-boo?

I.C.U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nij1l/which_hospital_ward_is_the_best_place_to_play/
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During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyNewYork” When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nihq3/during_a_recent_password_audit_it_was_found_that/
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A man is having problems with his dick...

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, 'Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis'.
The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and he tells her what the doc told him.
She says, 'Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that! We should make a list!'
He replies, 'I already made a list on the way home, and I'm afraid your name isn't on it'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nigrg/a_man_is_having_problems_with_his_dick/
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used while showering.

Ninety-eight of them said, "Get the hell out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nigge/i_surveyed_100_women_and_asked_them_what_shampoo/
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The guillotine was decent in theory

But amazing in execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nigap/the_guillotine_was_decent_in_theory/
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Three men are marooned on an island...

Three men are marooned on an island desperately seeking a way to get off.
A cannibal approaches them and flops his penis out. 'If the length of your three penises together is as big as mine, then I'll show you how to get off the island. Otherwise you'll be killed and eaten.' The native's nob was an incredible 20 inches.
Getting off to a good start, the first man shows off his impressive 10 inches. The second man produces a 9-inch dick. Feeling confident, they urge the third man to get his tackle out. He does so and reveals just one inch of manhood. After some nail-biting calculations the cannibal says, 'Okay fellas, you've managed to come up with the goods: I'll let you use my boat to escape'.
As they were sailing to safety, the first bloke mentions how lucky they are that he's so well endowed. Likewise, the second bloke suggests that they are truly blessed at the length, of his schlong. The third guy pipes up ' ... and you're damn lucky I had an erection!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nic9h/three_men_are_marooned_on_an_island/
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A pirate and his crew

A captain and his pirate crew would always go out to battle against groups of ships of 4 or 5.
Before he does, he always says to his crew, “Someone, get me my red suit!”
He would do this before every battle.
Then one day, one if his crew would say, “O’ Captain, why do you always wear your red suit to battle?”
He would respond with,”That way, if I get hurt and bleed, no one would notice it.”
His crew, upon hearing this, were quite impressed.
The next day the captain went out to battle and saw 100 ships all aimed at him
“Someone get me my brown pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ni80r/a_pirate_and_his_crew/
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What do you call frostbitten monkeys?

Chimpanfreeze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ni4zc/what_do_you_call_frostbitten_monkeys/
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I only tell bad chemistry jokes

because the good ones Argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ni10o/i_only_tell_bad_chemistry_jokes/
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What do you call a priest who passes the bar exam?

Father in Law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ni0o1/what_do_you_call_a_priest_who_passes_the_bar_exam/
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Where do poor Italians live?

in the SpaGhetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhytf/where_do_poor_italians_live/
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I can't seem to make any good jokes about the Hindenburg...

They all just seem to crash and burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhwlk/i_cant_seem_to_make_any_good_jokes_about_the/
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Guy: We need to stop testing our products on buildings.

Boss: Why, Elevator companies do it all the time?
Guy: Yeah but we make airplanes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhud1/guy_we_need_to_stop_testing_our_products_on/
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The only B-word you should ever call a woman is

Beautiful, because bitches love it when you call them Beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhtq1/the_only_bword_you_should_ever_call_a_woman_is/
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What's the difference between a computer and a woman?

Turning on a computer is much easier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhtmd/whats_the_difference_between_a_computer_and_a/
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(Dark) What's the one thing Superman can't do?

Stay on a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhtev/dark_whats_the_one_thing_superman_cant_do/
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A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the  day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nht4k/a_man_heard_that_masturbating_before_sex/
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One day a small farmhouse catches on fire

The fire quickly becomes a towering inferno, while the family sleeps.  A pig breaks out of the pig pen and rushes into the house.  One by one it drags the family members out to safety.  The next day a local news service comes by to cover the amazing story.  The family and community heaps praise on the pig, and coins it a hero.
A few months go by, and one of the reporters decides to follow up with the family.  They call them up to arrange a visit. They ask if the family still has the pig.  "Oh of course", they reply.  The reporter comes by later to interview the family.  As they're sitting on the porch taking, pig with only three legs hobbles past.  "Isn't that the pig that saved you?", the reporter asks.  "Yes it is", the father replies. "Awww did the poor guy loose a leg trying to save the family?", the reporter asks. "Oh no he was fine", the farmer replied. "But when you have a pig that valuable, you don't wanna eat the whole damn thing at once"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhsd2/one_day_a_small_farmhouse_catches_on_fire/
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What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhmvu/what_costs_hundreds_of_millions_of_dollars_but_is/
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A Mexican magician said he'd vanish on the count of three

The magician started: "uno, dos-" and poof!
He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhmec/a_mexican_magician_said_hed_vanish_on_the_count/
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Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me, you’ve been on the phone..

...for 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.
Man inside: “I am talking to my wife!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhm0r/man_outside_phone_booth_excuse_me_youve_been_on/
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Now that there is a musical about Alexander Hamilton, I'm going to make a Musical about the founding of the Webster's English Dictionary

It's going to be a play on words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhjx8/now_that_there_is_a_musical_about_alexander/
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My son called me saying he's in the hospital

"Mom, please don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."
"Son, you're a doctor and you've been doing this joke for the past 5 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhjuq/my_son_called_me_saying_hes_in_the_hospital/
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A man walks into a bar.

The sign read “Free beer if you can pass our test!”
Curious, the man asks the bartender how he can win free beer. The bartender replies “First, you gotta down this entire bottle of pepper tequila, and you can’t make a face while doing it. Next, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth. You gotta pull it out with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman upstairs whose never had an orgasm. You’ve gotta make things right for her.”
“That’s crazy! I’m not going to risk my life just for a free beer.” The man responds. But after a half hour and 7 or 8 drinks, the man calls the bartender.
“Wherez zat teqquilla?!”
He grips it with both hands, and gulps it down in 3 swigs without a single grimace. Then, he stumbles off his stool and makes for the backdoor. The bar quiets down and listens intently as the man exits the door, followed by the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. He stumbles back into the bar, clothes ripped from head to toe.
“Now” he says. “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhjrx/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Once upon a time there was a man who was richer than his boss.

One day the boss called him to his office, and asked:
“how are you richer than me? I’m your boss but you can afford cars and houses, but I can’t. Tell me, how are you doing this?”
“I make bets with people,” replied the man.
“What kind of bets?” Asked the boss.
“For example: I bet 20 dollars that I have two dicks,” said the man.
“How are we going to this then?” His boss asked.
“I’ll go wash myself, and tomorrow you’ll grab both of them with your hands to see that I have two dicks.”
The boss agreed, and on the next morning, the man came to his boss’ office.
“Go ahead,” said the man.
The boss put his hands in the man’s pants. With one hand he could feel one dick, and he tried to grab the supposed second dick, but instead touched the first and only one the man had.
“You just lost 20 bucks, I won the bet,” said the boss.
“You did,” said the man.
“But do you see the 400 people walking to work?” Said the man.
“Well, I made a bet with each and and everyone one of them that you will touch my dick, not once, but twice.”
My dad told me this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhjd6/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_man_who_was_richer/
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Teacher: Does anyone know how ventriloquism works?

Me: Yes.
Teacher: Put your hand up before you speak!
Me: Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhix2/teacher_does_anyone_know_how_ventriloquism_works/
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The Wi-Fi at my parents' house is really slow, so I hope this sends...

but I just wanted to wish you all a very merry Christmas for tomorrow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhgxp/the_wifi_at_my_parents_house_is_really_slow_so_i/
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It must be terrible being the last banana in a bunch

...seeing your friends stripped and eaten one by one, your own health worsening daily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhfop/it_must_be_terrible_being_the_last_banana_in_a/
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9/10 men prefer large boobs.

The other man prefers the 9 men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nhea1/910_men_prefer_large_boobs/
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Why do Fox News and CNN journalists go to the same gym?

It has a really great spin class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nh9v2/why_do_fox_news_and_cnn_journalists_go_to_the/
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A man walks into a bar, carrying a fish.

He then walks to the bar and starts talking to the barman. The man claims that his fish can play the most amazing piano pieces, and could make everyone who listened cry. The barman didn't believe him, so the man asks for a wager. If the fish could play the piano, he would get a free drink. The barman agreed, and the man went over to the piano. He took the fish out, which promptly played the most amazing music. Everyone in the bar went silent, and when the fish had finished most of them were in tears. The man went over to the barman which was amazed! He gave him his free drink, and when he had finished, the man says to the barman that he also has a frog which can sing magnificent songs. He again wagers the barman that if his frog can sing, he can have free drink. He then takes a frog out of his pocket, puts it on a stool, and the frog starts to sing. The song is marvellous, and everyone in the bar again stops and listens to the song. And again, the man walks over to the barman for his drink. But before he can reach the bar, a man approaches him offering to buy the frog for £500. The barman shouts out in horror that he could make millions from the frog, and its worth at least a thousand times that. The man ignores him and sells the frog. He walks over to the bar with his money and starts to drink his drink. The barman-in shock-asks him why he sold the frog for such little money! The man replied "The fish is a ventriloquist".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nh7lc/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_carrying_a_fish/
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What do you call a farmer who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nh6bp/what_do_you_call_a_farmer_who_takes_care_of/
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Now that 2017 is over, I would like to say thanks to my neighbors...

you were always by my side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nh63q/now_that_2017_is_over_i_would_like_to_say_thanks/
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Just finished the art of the deal by Donald trump. Great book. You can find the secret to his tremendous success in....

Chapter 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nh3vb/just_finished_the_art_of_the_deal_by_donald_trump/
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I tried to run an experiment on the effect of dehydration on human urine volume

But the p-value was too low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nh33k/i_tried_to_run_an_experiment_on_the_effect_of/
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What will Trump’s favorite sport be this year in the Winter Olympics?

It’s gonna be LUGE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nh2il/what_will_trumps_favorite_sport_be_this_year_in/
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My new year’s resolution is the same as last year’s

It’s still 1920x1080

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nh2hs/my_new_years_resolution_is_the_same_as_last_years/
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Three nuns are remodeling their church...

New window panes, interior paint, new pews, the works. When it comes time to paint, they decide they don't want to get any paint on their habits, so they take off their clothes. They're painting half-nude and suddenly they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, Sister Elizabeth asks, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!" says a man's voice from outside the door. Somewhat relieved, the nun swings the door wide open.
"Nice tits!" says the man. "Now where do you want these blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nh21j/three_nuns_are_remodeling_their_church/
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A rich guy and a poor guy are in a store shopping for their wives... NSFW

Poor guy: "What are you getting your wife?"
Rich guy: "A diamond ring and a Mercedes."
Poor guy: "Why get her both the ring and the Mercedes?"
Rich guy: "So if she doesn't like the ring, she can return it with her brand new Mercedes! So, what are you getting your wife?"
Poor guy: "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
Rich guy: "What are you getting her a pair of slippers and a dildo for?"
Poor guy: "So if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ngwuh/a_rich_guy_and_a_poor_guy_are_in_a_store_shopping/
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How many idiots does it take to tell a self-deprecating joke?

Just me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ngsnp/how_many_idiots_does_it_take_to_tell_a/
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Yo mama so fat

The last time she saw 2017 was on the scale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ngmv6/yo_mama_so_fat/
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What’s the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ngcpg/whats_the_difference_between_3_dicks_and_a_joke/
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A guy walks into a pharmacy...

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny and potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer, and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label, "Viagra Extra Strength," and says, "here, if you take these you'll go wild for twelve hours!" The guy responds, "Great! Gimme three boxes!"
The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, approaches the pharmacist, and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror at man's black and blue member.
The man says, "I'm gonna need some Ben Gay cream."
The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on THAT are you?"
"Nope, it's for my arms ... the girls didn't show up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ngb0v/a_guy_walks_into_a_pharmacy/
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A bus of ugly people crashes ...

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ng892/a_bus_of_ugly_people_crashes/
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There are no Walmart stores in Syria

Only Targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ng7lj/there_are_no_walmart_stores_in_syria/
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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ng275/i_told_my_wife_we_can_have_sex_or_go_see_star/
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"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot is 100% sure about everything."

"Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nfyuj/remember_son_a_smart_person_always_has_doubts/
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We thought we had made a better world.

We modified our DNA to portray emotions. Your face would turn green if you told the truth, red if you lied. The darker it turned, the more passionate you were. Some specialty shops would even modify the DNA to allow for additional emotions to be displayed with skin grafts - a yellow strip for calmness or black for angry were popular.
My mom was never really into the add on features so I was a little surprised that morning. Here she was, eating some sugar slugs and watching the newest red-filtered movie when she started talking "You know, I remember the old movies, before they had to edit red faces to blue for movies... Back when I birthed you..." She stopped talking then and as she began to panic, her face turned blue. She didn't tell me she had a blue mod so I was a little confused. Imagine my face when it started turning purple? She reached out to me in horror, I assumed at what she said. But no, when the autopsy report was provided to me, it stated that she had simply been choking on the sugar slugs and turned blue due to lack of oxygen... Well... Color me surprised!
Credit to a Writing Prompt answer I received

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nfyh8/we_thought_we_had_made_a_better_world/
%
Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well?

It's his own fault. He should have attended to the sick and left the well alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nfwsg/did_you_hear_about_the_doctor_who_fell_into_a_well/
%
I'm really glad I finally got a saltwater aquarium

It really tide the room together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nfvjr/im_really_glad_i_finally_got_a_saltwater_aquarium/
%
My uncle Ben always used to say, "With great power..."

Comes a great electricity bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nfpz5/my_uncle_ben_always_used_to_say_with_great_power/
%
A guy goes to the doctor to cure his amnesia

And asks, "doctor what should I do?"
Doctor replies, "pay me first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nfpc4/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_to_cure_his_amnesia/
%
Four rabbis were golfing

*************
Four rabbis had a tradition of spending a day each week golfing and discussing theology between holes.  Very often they would argue, with three of them taking one side and eventually arguing the fourth one down.
One day, though, the fourth rabbi simply would not budge on his point - he swore he was right and that the other three were misguided.  Exasperated by the stubbornness of the others, he fell to his knees.
"Oh, Lord, give me a sign to show that I am right and that these other three are wrong."
Just as he finished, four storm clouds blew in over the golf course.  Three all merged into a single larger cloud, but the fourth blasted through the larger cloud, dissipating it.
As smug as the fourth rabbi was, the other three insisted that this was nothing that couldn't be explained by natural phenomena and that he was still wrong.  Again, he fell to his knees.
"Oh, Lord, please give *another* sign to show that I am right on this."
As he was finishing his prayer, a single storm cloud blew in and sent a fork of lightning down on four trees standing on a nearby hill.  Three of the trees were destroyed and the fourth remained intact.  Again, though, the three rabbis argued that it was a hot summer day and the occasional freak lightning storm didn't signify anything.
"Oh, Lord," he began again before being cut off by a billowing voice from the clouds.
"HE'S RIGHT!" the voice boomed.
One of the three rabbis simply shrugged at this.  "Alright.  So now it's three to two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nfj0s/four_rabbis_were_golfing/
%
Christian kittens

A fundamentalist preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he got closer he could see that in the box was a litter of new-born kittens. "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.
"Why, they're Christian kittens," replied the little girl. The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her thoughts.
A few days later the preacher saw the little girl again.
"And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" asked the man of God.
"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're Pagan kittens," replied the girl.
"But...but... I thought you said last week that they were Christian kittens?" sputtered the flabbergasted preacher. "Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nfial/christian_kittens/
%
Told The Wife She Drew Her Eyebrows To High,

She Looked Surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nfg48/told_the_wife_she_drew_her_eyebrows_to_high/
%
The First Rule Of Alzheimer's Club,

Is Don't Talk About Chess Club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nffwc/the_first_rule_of_alzheimers_club/
%
Someone Stole My Mood Ring,

I Don't Know How To Feel About It.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nffqz/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
I went running with my Bible...

...now my Psalms are sweaty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nff6f/i_went_running_with_my_bible/
%
What do nocturnal animals drink?

*Moonshine.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nfdlw/what_do_nocturnal_animals_drink/
%
Man with authority walks into a bar

He orders everyone a round

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nfdcd/man_with_authority_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Someone Stole My Microsoft Office and They're Going To Pay For It,

You Have My Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nfbhv/someone_stole_my_microsoft_office_and_theyre/
%
Gal Gadot's husband has a problem

I hear he's been doing heroine...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nfbgy/gal_gadots_husband_has_a_problem/
%
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph. Because he’s not the full essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nf8ea/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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So a group of crows is called a murder, a group of geese is a gaggle, but do you know what a group of humans are?

Assholes. Just a bunch of assholes. Everyone of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nf823/so_a_group_of_crows_is_called_a_murder_a_group_of/
%
Did you hear the one about the cannibal eating a clown?

He asked, "Does this taste funny to you?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nf0zf/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_cannibal_eating_a/
%
So 2018 is the Chinese year of the dog...

Looks like it's gonna be ruff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nexyl/so_2018_is_the_chinese_year_of_the_dog/
%
Two kids were arrested last night. One ate a battery, the other ate fireworks.

They charged the first, and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nevua/two_kids_were_arrested_last_night_one_ate_a/
%
I was going to tell you a story about a rope

But I’ll leave you hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7neqjp/i_was_going_to_tell_you_a_story_about_a_rope/
%
My friends and I experimented sexually in high school…

I was the control group…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7neh08/my_friends_and_i_experimented_sexually_in_high/
%
Me and my wife were happy for 20 years..

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7negbr/me_and_my_wife_were_happy_for_20_years/
%
No more a Virgin

The family is at the dining table.
The little 10-year-old girl does not eat and has her nose in her plate….
After a few moments, she says, “I’ve something to tell you people”
Silence around the table.
“I’m no longer virgin”, and she begins to cry. A long silence again.
And then…
The father screams at his wife,
“It’s your fault!
Always dressed and made up like a whore!
Do you think you are setting a good example for your daughter?
Wallowing the whole day on the sofa, exposing your pussy…
it’s disgusting!
That’s how problems arrive”
The wife, in turn yells at her husband:
“What about you ?
Are YOU setting a good example ?
Wasting your salary on sluts who sometimes even accompany you to your doorstep!
Are YOU setting a good example for your 10-year-old daughter?”
The father continues”
“And her elder sister, this good-for-nothing,
With her hairy junkie of a boyfriend,
Who is always groping her in all the corners of the house,
Do you believe she is setting a good example for her younger sister?”
And the recriminations go on, and on, and on….
The grandmother touches the shoulder of the little granddaughter to console her
And asks her :
“Well, my little girl, how did it happen?”
And the little girl replies while stifling her sobs :
“it’s the priest”
The grandmother asks :
“What do you mean, the priest ?”
“The priest has chosen another girl to be Virgin Mary in the Christmas play…
" I’m no longer playing the role of Virgin Mary ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nefxe/no_more_a_virgin/
%
I found out how to get buried cheaply in Egypt.

Send me $10 and I'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nefug/i_found_out_how_to_get_buried_cheaply_in_egypt/
%
The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked
"Very critical," replied the officer
"The fuck is she complaining about now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nedlm/the_police_called_to_tell_me_that_my_wife_was_in/
%
“Hey son, what has four legs and doesn’t breathe?”

Son: “Haha you can’t fool me this time dad! A chair.”
Dad: “No son, our dog died.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ne9uq/hey_son_what_has_four_legs_and_doesnt_breathe/
%
A man and a priest are playing golf...

... the man is putting and misses his shot. "God damnit, I missed," the man says.
The priest tells him to not take the Lord's name in vain, or God would strike him down.
The man swings and misses again.
"God damnit, I missed."
The priest, again, reminds him that God would strike him down, if he uses the Lord's name in vain.
The man swings and misses a third time. He says, "God damnit, I missed."
All of a sudden, there's thunder and dark clouds fill the sky over the golf course. A flash of lightning strikes down from the heavens and hits the priest. A deep voice coming from the clouds says, "God damnit, I missed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ne4xt/a_man_and_a_priest_are_playing_golf/
%
I'm starving

I haven't eaten anything all year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ne4da/im_starving/
%
A blonde and a brunette are stuck in the elevator

Blonde: Help! Help!
Brunette: We should yell together!
Blonde: Together! Together!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ne2rp/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_stuck_in_the_elevator/
%
Socialist jokes are not funny

Unless everybody gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ne0b0/socialist_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
The wife told me I drink too much...

I promised her I wouldn't drink any more. I said nothing about drinking any less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ndwpn/the_wife_told_me_i_drink_too_much/
%
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We better get some support fast or people are gonna think we’re nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ndw6t/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
Man wakes up his wife in he middle of the night. NSFW

He whispers to her so he doesn’t wake the dog: Honey, I can’t get to sleep. Do you want to go for drive?
Wife: Are you crazy, it’s the middle of the night! No!
Husband: Well then, do you want to have anal sex?
Wife: What!? No! Go to sleep!
Husband: Well then, can I get a quick blowjob?
Wife (getting annoyed): NO!
Husband: Please. It’ll help me get to sleep.
Wife is annoyed but realizes Husband won’t fall asleep: Fine. Whatever. If it’ll help you get to sleep.
She starts giving him a blowjob but as soon as she tastes it, she grimaces and stops.
Husband: What’s wrong?
Wife: Why does it taste like shit?
Husband: Well, the dog didn’t want to go for a drive either.
Credit: Mexican Comedian Polo Polo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ndp9y/man_wakes_up_his_wife_in_he_middle_of_the_night/
%
Someone told me that I can't survive falling off a 1,000 feet building.

Not with that altitude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ndolm/someone_told_me_that_i_cant_survive_falling_off_a/
%
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ndkb7/a_student_at_a_management_school_came_up_to_a/
%
My New Year's resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants

Roll on 2018

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ndgo7/my_new_years_resolution_is_to_stop_using_aerosol/
%
Today a girl kissed me.

I wish I could post it in another subreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ndfwe/today_a_girl_kissed_me/
%
The millennium is now legal.

Who wants to be the first person to fuck time itself?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nde6a/the_millennium_is_now_legal/
%
I haven't [insert] since last year.

(obligatory)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nddop/i_havent_insert_since_last_year/
%
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store...

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says “I’ve been invited to a New Years dinner at my new girlfriends house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.” The young man after paying for the first pack, walks to the door, stops, smiles, and says “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack just in case I get extra lucky.”
New Years comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t speak at all. After they finished eating, his girlfriend says: “If I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have made you come.” The boy replies “if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nddcs/a_17_year_old_male_walks_into_a_drug_store/
%
Is this sub dead?

I haven’t seen any posts all year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ndczp/is_this_sub_dead/
%
My new year’s resolution is

1920x1080

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ndc21/my_new_years_resolution_is/
%
There is a thin line between a numerator and a denominator

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ndbhw/there_is_a_thin_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
%
A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning, looked out the window and announced "It's raining."

His wife said, "No dear, it's sleeting."
He replied, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ndauk/a_russian_named_rudolf_woke_up_one_morning_looked/
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What do you call a bunch of r/dankmemes subscribers in an Egyptian river?

Normies in de Nile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ndap3/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_rdankmemes/
%
How to prevent WW3

Just give valve the rights to 1 and 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nd934/how_to_prevent_ww3/
%
An Amish Girl

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother,
"Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nd80m/an_amish_girl/
%
All I want to say about 2017...

...is that it was an odd year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nd638/all_i_want_to_say_about_2017/
%
What are the similarities between a tornado and marriage?

They both start off with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you lose your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nd5ln/what_are_the_similarities_between_a_tornado_and/
%
Guys I created a new word

Its called plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nd5ar/guys_i_created_a_new_word/
%
What goes in hard but comes soft and wet?

Gum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nd2zt/what_goes_in_hard_but_comes_soft_and_wet/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A Gummi bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nd1sw/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
My boss asked me where I see myself in three years.

I said "Not working for this company".
Guess I was three years off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nd0kl/my_boss_asked_me_where_i_see_myself_in_three_years/
%
My resolution for 2018 is to stay in shape

Lucky for me, round is a shape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nczu1/my_resolution_for_2018_is_to_stay_in_shape/
%
I hate when people ask how I'll see myself in 3 years

Why do they think I'll stop using a mirror?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ncyl3/i_hate_when_people_ask_how_ill_see_myself_in_3/
%
What does Reddit stand for?

Repost every day, downvote if Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ncw7y/what_does_reddit_stand_for/
%
New Years resolution to recycle water

I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer.  I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nctnh/new_years_resolution_to_recycle_water/
%
My wife wants me to lose 180 pounds this year for my new year's resolution.

I'm serving her with the divorce papers on Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ncl7z/my_wife_wants_me_to_lose_180_pounds_this_year_for/
%
Why do they evacuate women and children first in a crisis?

That's the only way the men will finally get some goddamn peace and quiet before they die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nckwc/why_do_they_evacuate_women_and_children_first_in/
%
I asked my dog how he likes to have sex. His response?

Ruff. What else would he say

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ncdqv/i_asked_my_dog_how_he_likes_to_have_sex_his/
%
What’s the difference between the Cleveland Browns and the alphabet?

The alphabet has a “W”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ncclt/whats_the_difference_between_the_cleveland_browns/
%
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound like a commie

Then soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ncarw/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_like_a/
%
Be alert!

The world needs more lerts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nc981/be_alert/
%
One of my proudest memories as a father was the day I got to cut the cord...

Needless to say my son won’t be bungee jumping again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nc809/one_of_my_proudest_memories_as_a_father_was_the/
%
At 11.59pm I took a massive dump

I wanted to leave all that 2017 shit behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nc606/at_1159pm_i_took_a_massive_dump/
%
People tell me filling animals with helium is bad

I say Whatever floats your goat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nc363/people_tell_me_filling_animals_with_helium_is_bad/
%
Yo Momma so ugly

She goes to the dentist for a colonoscopy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nbyov/yo_momma_so_ugly/
%
I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision
This is the only day you can upvote this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nbxbl/i_hate_when_people_ask_how_i_see_myself_in_3_years/
%
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today..

I guess I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nbv93/i_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
%
Can’t believe it’s nearly 1996

and they haven’t found a cure for Alzheimer’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nbun4/cant_believe_its_nearly_1996/
%
What does a horny toad say?

"Rubb it!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nbum1/what_does_a_horny_toad_say/
%
Be careful on the roads tonight

Lots of people will be drinking excessively and letting their wives drive. Recipe for disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nbpk0/be_careful_on_the_roads_tonight/
%
What do you call a man from Pakistan who's been everywhere and done everything?

Bindair Dundat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nbm5w/what_do_you_call_a_man_from_pakistan_whos_been/
%
Give a man fire and he’ll be warm for a night

Light a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nbhoh/give_a_man_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_night/
%
Why were the star wars movies made 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2 , 3?

Because in charge of production, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nbgk5/why_were_the_star_wars_movies_made_4_5_6_then_1_2/
%
Guy walks into his bedroom one night with a duck under his arm.

His wife wakes up and says, ‘what the hell are you doing?’
He says, ‘I wanna introduce you to the pig I’ve been having sex with.’
She says, ‘that’s clearly a duck.’
He says, ‘I was talking to the duck.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nbfxk/guy_walks_into_his_bedroom_one_night_with_a_duck/
%
What was Forrest Gump's password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nbetj/what_was_forrest_gumps_password/
%
I had a threesome last night

2 were no-shows but I had a good time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nbehq/i_had_a_threesome_last_night/
%
It would be funny if tree’s had breasts

Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nbckj/it_would_be_funny_if_trees_had_breasts/
%
She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...."

He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."
She: "How nice, you are so sweet."
He: "You need plastic surgery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nb88e/she_wait_for_me_darling_i_just_do_my_makeup/
%
Not feeling creative?

Open up a gym membership and see how many excuses you can come up with not to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nb7w7/not_feeling_creative/
%
What do Women's Studies majors like after dessert?

A tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nb6fb/what_do_womens_studies_majors_like_after_dessert/
%
How math, physics, programmimg and philosophy convince that all odd numbers bigger than one are primes...

Math: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime. I'll get the rest of them with induction.
Physics: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime, 9 measurement error, 11 prime, 13 prime.
I tested enough numbers.
Programming: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime, 7 prime, 7 prime...
Philosophy: 2 prime, 4 prime, 6 prime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nb6dv/how_math_physics_programmimg_and_philosophy/
%
What is God's favorite chord?

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nb69g/what_is_gods_favorite_chord/
%
What Does it Mean If You Were Born In September?

That your parents started the new year with a BANG!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nb39l/what_does_it_mean_if_you_were_born_in_september/
%
Why did the fungi leave the party?

Because there wasn't mushroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nb2fp/why_did_the_fungi_leave_the_party/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7...

Because 7 is Kevin Spacey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7naxf8/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
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Aaron Rogers, Eli Manning and dak Prescott walk into a bar

To watch the playoffs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7navl6/aaron_rogers_eli_manning_and_dak_prescott_walk/
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Why do Jewish women never make coffee?

Because Hebrew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7naudj/why_do_jewish_women_never_make_coffee/
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A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday... It would be funny if this joke had a punchline

Wooden tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nat6e/a_woman_got_wooden_breast_implants_yesterday_it/
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I can't wait to crack the 'I haven't eaten all year' joke tomorrow morning.

My favourite part of the year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7narit/i_cant_wait_to_crack_the_i_havent_eaten_all_year/
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The longest relationship my sister's had is with her first vibrator.

That was four years, off and on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nap60/the_longest_relationship_my_sisters_had_is_with/
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My friend thanked me for helping him get an elephant into his room

I said "don't mention it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nal4q/my_friend_thanked_me_for_helping_him_get_an/
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Be carfeful on the streets tonight. A lot of people are having too many drinks

and let their wives drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7naks5/be_carfeful_on_the_streets_tonight_a_lot_of/
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"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nak7n/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
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So an old friend called and asked me if I could loan her $400 to help her pay the rent.

I told her to give me a minute and let me check my bank account and I'll call her right back." Before I could check my funds, her sister called and said, "Don’t give her any money because she's been lying!" Her sister proceeded to tell me that she wants to use that $400 to get her baby daddy out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for New Years!!!
So I thought about it for a minute and decided to go ahead and give her $400. Crazy with it being the holidays right?
I called her and said, "Come on, I got you." A couple hours later, I got a call from the County jail, and it was her. She asked me "Why did you give me counterfeit money?"
I told her, "Well, I heard you were talking about how you wanted to be under the same roof as your baby daddy, so there you go.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nahmw/so_an_old_friend_called_and_asked_me_if_i_could/
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(NSFW) My ex-girlfriend once told me having a 4 inch dick is fine and nothing to worry about.

But I didn't think it was okay for her to have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nafur/nsfw_my_exgirlfriend_once_told_me_having_a_4_inch/
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How do they say “Happy New Years” in Australia?

sɹɐǝ⅄ ʍǝN ʎddɐH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7nafme/how_do_they_say_happy_new_years_in_australia/
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There are these two beautiful..

There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza. For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush to fulfill their greatest desires.
After about a half an hour of rustling around in the bushes they emerge, panting and sweaty.
"Wow" says the one statue, "that was amazing" "A dream come true" says the other "but we've got a half an hour left, what should we do now?" "I know" the first responds "this time I'll hold the pigeon down while you shit on it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7naagt/there_are_these_two_beautiful/
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Hey girl are you a school?

Because I want to shoot kids inside you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7na9j9/hey_girl_are_you_a_school/
%
I always feel bad for Jim this time of year,

People keep making resolutions to hit him consistently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7na94j/i_always_feel_bad_for_jim_this_time_of_year/
%
what is a swedish government crisis?

there are 12 ministers in a meeting but only 11 cinnamonrolls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7na0s8/what_is_a_swedish_government_crisis/
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TIL why scuba divers fall backwards into the water

Because if they fall forward, they would land in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n9wqc/til_why_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_into_the_water/
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TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n9u3y/til_that_the_hindi_word_for_penny_is_derived_from/
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I got a vasectomy but my wife still got pregnant.

Apparently all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n9rtk/i_got_a_vasectomy_but_my_wife_still_got_pregnant/
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I was at a bar in Dublin yesterday

And this Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.  I ask him, "Hey, do you know any of those fancy martial arts like Kung Fu, etc?"  "No" he says, "Are you asking that because I am Chinese? WTF?" "Naw" I replied, "It's cause you are drinking my beer ya wee lil prick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n9rpy/i_was_at_a_bar_in_dublin_yesterday/
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Why doesn't Santa have any Kids?

Because he comes once a year and that's down the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n9rbp/why_doesnt_santa_have_any_kids/
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A woman, blinded in an accident, has surgery to regain her sight...

Afterwards the doctor tells her to remove the bandages from her eyes. As she’s doing that, he pulls out his penis.  She drops the bandages into the waste bin and blinks her eyes as the doctor pops his hips and proudly displays his erection. “So,” says the doctor, “what do you think?”
“Well,” the patient says, squinting, “it’s hard for me to see.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n9otr/a_woman_blinded_in_an_accident_has_surgery_to/
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It's official, when the clock strikes midnight

we can all legally have sex with kids from the 90s!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n9oqe/its_official_when_the_clock_strikes_midnight/
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Finally decided to get some counseling on sexual assault.

Turns out, it’s only for the victims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n9mll/finally_decided_to_get_some_counseling_on_sexual/
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The Irish Spy

The CIA lost track of its operative in Ireland “Murphy. ” The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well. ”
So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Murphy. ”
The bartender replies, “You’re going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There’s Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There’s Murphy the Banker, who’s president of our local savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too. ”
Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ”
The bartender replies, “Oh, you’re looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n9lvv/the_irish_spy/
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A girl I slept with said my penis was average...

Women can be so mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n9le8/a_girl_i_slept_with_said_my_penis_was_average/
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Tomorrow we will finally be able to say, at least for a short while:

Trump hasn't said anything stupid all year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n98j8/tomorrow_we_will_finally_be_able_to_say_at_least/
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A man gets rejected by a girl.

The girl says that he has a small penis, so the man travels to find a surgeon.he travels through many streets on his horse until he finally finds a surgeon. When he walks in,, the man says, “I want a bigger dick” the surgeon responds,”how big?” The man responds, “as big as the horse I rode in on.” 7 hours later, the man walks out feeling like a million bucks, and approaches the girl again. The girl asks him, “why do you have a camel toe?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n9879/a_man_gets_rejected_by_a_girl/
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Why did the moon hide itself when it cried?

It was in mourning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n94hj/why_did_the_moon_hide_itself_when_it_cried/
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Donald Trump joined the wrong political party...

... the democrats are supposed to be the ones with the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n90yx/donald_trump_joined_the_wrong_political_party/
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Since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot had changed.

Like my name, address and phone number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8zjn/since_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_a_lot_had_changed/
%
What do you call a Muslim bar?

The Allahuak Bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8vgu/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_bar/
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What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say to every donor

“Thanks for coming”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8sxz/what_does_the_receptionist_at_a_sperm_bank_say_to/
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As a middle aged man I love going up to pretty young women who are staring at their cellphone screens and asking

Are you my tinder date?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8olr/as_a_middle_aged_man_i_love_going_up_to_pretty/
%
Bill arrives at work with multiple firetrucks surrounding the building and parking area.

The building is burning but it seems as if everybody could escape the building just in time.
As Bill approaches the entrance of the building he sees his colleague Howard, standing in front of a body thats lying on a fire department trampoline.
„What has happened, is that Frank?“
„Yes what a tragic loss“
„But is he dead? Why didn’t he survive the jump onto the trampoline?“
„Oh no he didn’t die from the fall“
„How’s that?“
„You know he was standing in the window preparing himself for the jump. And when he was ready the flames were already very close behind him“
„So he burned to death?“
„Oh no not at all. He jumped down“
„So did he die from the fall?“
„No I told you it wasn’t the jump that killed him. After he hit the trampoline he bounced back and landed right in the window he was starting his jump from“
„So he did then die from the fire?“
„Do you even listen? No it wasn’t the fire that killed Frank. He took a second try and jumped again“
„Oh I think I understand it now. He missed the trampoline on the second try and you just put his corpse on the trampoline“
„No he didn’t miss the trampoline. He bounced back again as soon as he hit the trampoline“
„So he burned to death then?“
„No he took a third try then a fourth and a fifth. But he kept bouncing back into his window“
„God damnit Howard, why don’t you just fucking tell me how he died?“
„Dude he was pissing us off so much we just fucking shot him“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8mg6/bill_arrives_at_work_with_multiple_firetrucks/
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Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...

...His winter though? Absolutely awful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8m2s/humpty_dumpty_had_a_great_fall/
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Yo momma is so big that...

I had to format my NTFS drive to a different file system to support her pictures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8l14/yo_momma_is_so_big_that/
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An Arab and a Doctor

are Building an identical house next to each other in the same street.
After their houses are build the Arab says to the doc. "Hey Doc. You know my house is worth more than yours"
The doctor says: "dude don't be silly, we have the identical house in the same street how could yours be more worth than mine?"
The Arab replies: "well my house is in a good neighborhood as it is next to the house of a doctor, yours is in a shitty  neighborhood next to some dirty Arab guy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8gze/an_arab_and_a_doctor/
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Do any of you know what moth balls smell like?

If so, how did you open up their tiny legs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8fnb/do_any_of_you_know_what_moth_balls_smell_like/
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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8fcn/statistics_show_that_the_average_person_has_sex/
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Rick Astley will give you any of his pixar movies exept for one.

He'll never give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8f6z/rick_astley_will_give_you_any_of_his_pixar_movies/
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The Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar...

And he doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8d6u/the_schrodingers_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why can’t a T-Rex clap it’s hands?

Because they are extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8cbh/why_cant_a_trex_clap_its_hands/
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Sad news..

Sad news today. After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients so can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time and effort. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8bgx/sad_news/
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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass

Just wanted to make that clear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8b2q/as_a_wizard_i_enjoy_turning_objects_into_glass/
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I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight

Turns out it was a bar mitzvah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n8a3a/i_got_invited_to_a_ball_drop_celebration_at_nyc/
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What did the girl with small boobs drink out of?

A Cup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n86uv/what_did_the_girl_with_small_boobs_drink_out_of/
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A Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani are on a train.

The Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says, "There's plenty more of that where I come from."
Everyone is impressed. The Cuban takes out one of the finest Havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says, "There's plenty more of those where I come from."
Again everyone is rather impressed. So the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n83o1/a_russian_a_cuban_an_englishman_and_a_pakistani/
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A man tells his colleague about his day at the zoo.

Colleague: What animals did you see there?
Man: You know, the one with the pocket that can jump really far.
Colleague: A kangaroo?
Man: That's right, a dangerou.
Colleague: Okay... what else did you see?
Man: You know the fluffy one with the big ears?
Colleague: A bunny?
Man: No, it was a dangerou.
Colleague: Okay... Uh, anything else?
Man: Oh yes, the big grey one with the trunk?
Colleague: An elephant?
Man: No, a dangerou.
Colleague: All the animals can't have been "dangerous"?
Man: No, it said on a sign "All animals are dangerous".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n82on/a_man_tells_his_colleague_about_his_day_at_the_zoo/
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Just walked in on my parents having sex...

Most awkward 45 minutes of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n7yic/just_walked_in_on_my_parents_having_sex/
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I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018

It's my new year's resolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n7xcp/im_going_to_buy_a_6k_monitor_for_2018/
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“Wow, I haven’t showered since last year!”

“Haha good one, but it’s only New Year’s Eve”
“I know...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n7ukw/wow_i_havent_showered_since_last_year/
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A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables

The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it.
"Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"
The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n7r9c/a_middle_eastern_king_was_down_on_his_money_and/
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I met an olympic athlete yesterday...

'Are you a pole vaulter?' I asked.
'No' He replied. 'I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n7pl2/i_met_an_olympic_athlete_yesterday/
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A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis...

...Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n7pg9/a_guy_asks_for_a_tattoo_of_a_100_bill_on_his_penis/
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What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?

One hundred people who don't do dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n7p7i/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_50_lawyers_in_a_room/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink...

... Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
The bartender replies, "It's not me; it's the complimentary peanuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n7oww/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’...

But he hesitated...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n7mle/i_like_to_imagine_the_guy_who_invented_the/
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A man is sitting outside an office building having a smoke...

When another man walks out. He says to the first guy "Y'know, those'll kill ya".
The first one says, "my granddad lived to a ripe old age of 95".
"Oh really," the second one says, "and he smoked?"
"No, he didn't smoke. He knew how to mind his own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n7kzm/a_man_is_sitting_outside_an_office_building/
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Do you know the easy trick to avoid clickbait?

I guess not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n7khe/do_you_know_the_easy_trick_to_avoid_clickbait/
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My girlfriend said there's a line on her pregnancy test.

Pretty odd place to do cocaine if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n7jzf/my_girlfriend_said_theres_a_line_on_her_pregnancy/
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Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da  navy in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n7fqk/why_do_all_swedish_military_ships_have_bar_codes/
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A woman enrolled in nursing school...

...is attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day is Involuntary Muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does during an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n79rp/a_woman_enrolled_in_nursing_school/
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A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n77wz/a_politician_dies/
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What did the child molester say when he got out of prison?

I feel like a kid again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n750u/what_did_the_child_molester_say_when_he_got_out/
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What do Donald Trump and global warming have in common?

Hot air

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n74ni/what_do_donald_trump_and_global_warming_have_in/
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Kid1: Hey Dad why am I called lily?

Dad: Because a lily petal fell on your head when you were a baby.
Kid2: Hey Dad why am I called rose?
Dad: Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were a baby.
Kid3: herdurrrrahduhrgh#%*?
Dad: Shut up Cinderblock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n74n8/kid1_hey_dad_why_am_i_called_lily/
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The difference between a Pakistani elementary school and an ISIS hideout?

I don't actually know, I just fly the drone man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n73e9/the_difference_between_a_pakistani_elementary/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other ?

If we stick together we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n729a/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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2017 did not tire me

It was a Goodyear™

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n712i/2017_did_not_tire_me/
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Anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer for?

I put one in last night and when I checked it this morning, it was dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n702b/anyone_know_how_long_you_can_put_chicken_in_the/
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A monkey is smoking a joint.. (NFSW)

A monkey is smoking a joint when rabbit arrives and says: “ Come on monkey leave the joint and go for run with me, its healthier...”
A monkey thinks about it and says: “You are right, lets go!”
They both start running and after a while they see a zebra preparing some hash.
Rabbit again says: “Come on zebra leave the joint and go for run with me, it will be good for you...”
Zebra contemplates for a moment and says: “Lets go.”
They do the same with rhinoceros, giraffe and other animals.
Lastly they finally arrive to Lion.
Lion, old junkie, is just preparing cocaine to inject.
Now the monkey says: “Come on old friend, leave drugs and lets go for a run!”
The lion slowly turns around and roars: “What the fuck, each fuckin time the rabbit takes speed, the whole forest is supposed to run...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n6rtq/a_monkey_is_smoking_a_joint_nfsw/
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Jim had a pregnant wife who was soon to give birth.

One day, he’s on his way home from work, when he gets the call that his wife has gone into labour.  In a panic, he races to get to the hospital, but swerves his car and crashes into the ditch.  When he wakes up, he finds himself in the hospital, with his brother Jack, an irascible practical joker, leaning over his bed.
“Your wife’s fine, and she gave birth to two healthy twins, a boy and a girl.  The doctors needed names, so I had to name them."
Jim was wary.  “What’d you name them?”
“I named the girl Denise,” Jack said.
“That’s a good name,” Jim breathed out a sigh of relief.  “What’d you name the boy?”
“Denephew.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n6qrj/jim_had_a_pregnant_wife_who_was_soon_to_give_birth/
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A son went to ask his father what's an alcoholic.

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n6q2i/a_son_went_to_ask_his_father_whats_an_alcoholic/
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3 Flies. 1 Male 2 Female.

There are 3 flies in a jar. One male, two female. One day one of the female flies decides she wants to get out of the jar. She goes up to the other female fly and says, "Hey how do you get out of the jar?" The other female fly says, "I don't know maybe ask him."
So the female fly goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this jar?"
The male fly says, " I can tell you but you have to fuck me first."
And flies....they aren't very smart. So they do it and the male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the jar and fly as fast you can to the top of the jar and Boom, you'll pop right out."
So the female fly does just that. Flies from the bottom of the jar to the top of the jar as fast as she can. SPLAT. Dies.
Later on the surviving female fly decides she wants to get out of the jar. So she goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this jar?"
The male fly says, " I can tell you but you have to fuck me first."
And flies....they aren't very smart. So they do it and the male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the jar and fly as fast you can to the top of the jar and Boom, you'll pop right out."
So the female fly does just that. Flies from the bottom of the jar to the top of the jar as fast as she can. SPLAT. Dies.
Then the male fly gets out of the jar.
I stop talking then. The people I'm telling the joke would then say.."how did he get out of the jar?"
" I can tell you but you have to fuck me first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n6msv/3_flies_1_male_2_female/
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What's the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n6mqn/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.
Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.
Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!
Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jokes after all.
Edit 4: lmao this is Nagasaki all over again.
For those who want so bad to insult me, here is a little secret...I get insulted if you insult the basis and principles of my religion, and the stuff you guys mention are not included. So feel free to say anything guys. Sorry for ruining the joke with this edit. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n6jmg/as_a_muslim_redditor_i_feel_disappointed/
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How do you start a rave in Africa?

Tape some food to the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n6jix/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_africa/
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Costco has a good deal on Condoms

It’s an anti-family pack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n6hlc/costco_has_a_good_deal_on_condoms/
%
What blood type do all Canadians have?

B positive A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n6gnd/what_blood_type_do_all_canadians_have/
%
Humans were never able to fly

until we got it Wright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n6gav/humans_were_never_able_to_fly/
%
What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n6f1l/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
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Why did the can crusher quit his job?

It was soda-pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n6euc/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
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Why is six afraid of seven

Because seven is a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n6dlh/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
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How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n66k0/how_is_sex_like_a_game_of_bridge/
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What’s Darth Vader’s favorite dessert?

*coooooo*
*kieeeee*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n65ds/whats_darth_vaders_favorite_dessert/
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Hey dad why is my sister called teresa?

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n64yg/hey_dad_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
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A cow and a farmer had a fight

One dinner together later there was no more beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n64w4/a_cow_and_a_farmer_had_a_fight/
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Why do black people always have nightmares

Because we killed the only one that had a dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n62r5/why_do_black_people_always_have_nightmares/
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Some people like to say, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people."

Which is why I'm pro-abortion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n61wn/some_people_like_to_say_guns_dont_kill_people/
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Decided to set myself a goal of 25 books this year. Finished last night!

That Suess guy really makes some great reads!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n5wcb/decided_to_set_myself_a_goal_of_25_books_this/
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What do you say when you see a rabbit infested island

They're fucking everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n5tmf/what_do_you_say_when_you_see_a_rabbit_infested/
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Dad:Look sweetie there's plenty of other fishermen in the sea.

Daughter: Don't you mean fish?
Dad: Jesus Christ! You're a lesbian!?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n5sn5/dadlook_sweetie_theres_plenty_of_other_fishermen/
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Those who cannot remember the past two weeks

Are condemned to repost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n5s0n/those_who_cannot_remember_the_past_two_weeks/
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What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit?

‘Fucking show off’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n5r95/what_do_you_call_an_ethiopian_taking_a_shit/
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Two Nuns

Two nuns are riding their bicycles through Rome on their way to the Vatican. This time, though, they are taking a different route instead of their usual route.
“I’ve never come this way,” one nun says to the other.
“It’s the cobblestones,” says the other nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n5max/two_nuns/
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A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"
After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.
"No,” he responds. “That line was even longer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n5k1o/a_soviet_man_is_waiting_in_line_to_purchase_vodka/
%
My wife texted me while I was at work this cold winter morning, "Windows frozen."

I texted back, "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
She replied, "Computer completely fucked now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n5jlx/my_wife_texted_me_while_i_was_at_work_this_cold/
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Your momma so stupid

that when she fell off a building, she got lost on the way down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n5jbq/your_momma_so_stupid/
%
I can’t stand bodybuilders who smoke weed.

They always act so high and mighty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n5gr5/i_cant_stand_bodybuilders_who_smoke_weed/
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Why can't melons run away and get married?

Because they cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n5cp5/why_cant_melons_run_away_and_get_married/
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A girl is having sex with her boyfriend [NSFW]

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "... I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "Hi Sorry! I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking Sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n5cf5/a_girl_is_having_sex_with_her_boyfriend_nsfw/
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What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n5as3/what_is_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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I am a master at forgery

I have all the certificates to prove it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n591h/i_am_a_master_at_forgery/
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The white missionary was summoned by the African Chieftain one day...

The Chieftain tells the missionary, “word has reached me that a white baby has been born down the road a ways, and there is not a single other white man within a thousand miles,”
The missionary thinks on it for a second, then turns to look out the window. He responds to the Chieftain, “you must understand, that often our lord works in mysterious. Do you see that black sheep out there amidst the  white sheep? The lord singled him out from the rest of the flock because he is special,”
The Chieftain speaks quickly, cutting off the White man and says, “okay you got me... I won’t tell on you if you don’t tell on me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n58kn/the_white_missionary_was_summoned_by_the_african/
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Jesus and Hitler both were tasked with making a meal for the poor

Jesus made 2,000 people fish and Hitler made 6 million people toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n51rf/jesus_and_hitler_both_were_tasked_with_making_a/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a framed picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n507j/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_framed/
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Where do people on Reddit never go?

The Reddiquette Page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4xw4/where_do_people_on_reddit_never_go/
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What do you call a Jewish clown?

Pennywise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4xta/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_clown/
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I bought a box of condoms earlier today

The cashier asked if I'd like a bag.  I said nah, I'll just turn the lights off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4ujh/i_bought_a_box_of_condoms_earlier_today/
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I got over my fear of elevators by...

Taking some steps to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4t5i/i_got_over_my_fear_of_elevators_by/
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What does a vegan zombie eat?

Graaains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4smz/what_does_a_vegan_zombie_eat/
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Truck driver

An old man is eating his lunch in a restaurant when three bikers walk up to him.
they make fun of him for being old, and then one of them stubs his cigarette into the truck driver's food. Another spits in the truck driver's milk. The last one smashes the truck driver's food on the ground.
So old man gets up and leaves.
"not much of a man, was he?" one of the bikers says to the waitress.
"not much of a truck driver either" she says. "he just backed his truck over three motorcycles"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4sju/truck_driver/
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It took 26 years for Einstein to develop a theory about space.

It was about time, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4sig/it_took_26_years_for_einstein_to_develop_a_theory/
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Prom Night Date

Johnny, a senior in a stereotypical highschool, has a huge crush on a girl named Sally, who is in his 5th period World History.
Johnny wanted to capitalize on the upcoming prom to ask out Sally, so Johnny waited in line for two tickets to prom. Johnny tried to arrive early, but the line was extremely long. He waited, and eventually purchased two tickets to prom.
Johnny wished to impress Sally with an invitation as his date to prom, so he decides on a chocolate cake proposing the question to go to prom with him.
Johnny went to the local bakery. Unfortunately, the bakery was extremely busy, but Johnny was determined. He waited 3 hours after school in the line at the bakery to get his cake.
After Johnny finally had the cake, Johnny left to go talk with Sally's parents while Sally was out, to ask if he could surprise her with the cake. While Sally was out of her house with her friends for a few hours, Johnny ended up being stuck in a long line of traffic on the way to meet Sally's parents due to an accident.
Fortunately, Johnny beat Sally to her house, and Sally's parents loved the cake, so they had time to wait for her return to pop the question. Sally comes home and happily accepts his offer to go to prom as his date!
So, Johnny and his girl Sally are going to prom that Saturday. But, before they can go, Johnny needs to make sure they have a perfect night.
So, Friday comes, and Johnny goes out to get his tuxedo. When he gets to the tux rental store, there's this ridiculously long line. But he needs the tux, so Johnny waits. And he waits, and waits until finally, he has his tux.
Next, he needs a limo. So he goes to the limousine rental shop and finds that there's an even longer line there. But he needs the limo, so he waits. And he waits, and waits, and waits, until finally, he has the limo ordered.
Johnny realizes he needs some new shoes that match with his rented tux, so he stops by a shoe store to get himself some nice shoes. When he goes to pay, he sees the longest line yet. But he needs the shoes, so he waits. And he waits, and waits, and waits, and waits, and waits, until finally, he's got his new shoes.
Saturday, Johnny's ready to pick up his girl. He drives over to her house, picks her up, and they head to prom. At the dance, they're having a great time, dancing and hanging out with friends. Soon, though, Sally gets thirsty, and asks Johnny for a drink. Being the good guy he is, Johnny obliges.
So Johnny walks over to the punch table, and happily grabs her a drink with no wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4rxe/prom_night_date/
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There was once a man named Odd...

... People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4rqy/there_was_once_a_man_named_odd/
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My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4qz0/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
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Jesus loves you

A lovely thing to hear in church, a terrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4q05/jesus_loves_you/
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I used to date a hoarder...

... and she broke up with me.
That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4pj9/i_used_to_date_a_hoarder/
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Why is it people always go to Norway for beach holidays?

They’re very a-fjord-able.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4p3r/why_is_it_people_always_go_to_norway_for_beach/
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How did Michael Jackson find a little boy that was lost in the woods?

Very attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4p37/how_did_michael_jackson_find_a_little_boy_that/
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What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4omx/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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A guy was fired from the sperm bank

He was caught drinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4o0b/a_guy_was_fired_from_the_sperm_bank/
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What do you call 9/11 without the arabs?

IXXI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4lgv/what_do_you_call_911_without_the_arabs/
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Meteorologists have forecast snow throughout the US for the entire year of 2018

Flake news

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4l5c/meteorologists_have_forecast_snow_throughout_the/
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A man and his ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be 55 dollars please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man  reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be 85 dollars." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4kvv/a_man_and_his_ostrich/
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A warning to all the drivers now, close to New Year's Eve...

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to New Year's Eve and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4eoy/a_warning_to_all_the_drivers_now_close_to_new/
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Stephen Hawkins went on a date, he returned home upset and hurt.

She stood him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n4cq5/stephen_hawkins_went_on_a_date_he_returned_home/
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I don't understand why dogs are called "Man's best friend."

Even my worst enemy wouldn't take a shit in my yard while staring me in the eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n49pr/i_dont_understand_why_dogs_are_called_mans_best/
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There were these three guys in a bar

A Frenchman, An Italian, and a guy from Alabama were sitting at a bar. The Frenchman says
"When I make love to my wife, I drink a little of the finest French wine, and then I kiss her slowly on the breasts before lifting her onto the bed, whereupon I make the sweetest love to her while whispering love into her ear. After I finish she slowly rises 50cm from the bed in pleasure.
"Well", says the Italian in reply,"When I make love to my wife, I drink a little of the finest Italian wine, and then I kiss my wife slowly all over before lifting her slowly onto the bed, whereupon I make the sweetest love to her while singing sweetly into her ear. When I am finished she rises slowly into the air one meter in pleasure!
"That's nothing", says the guy from Alabama, "when I do it to my old lady I drink a couple of Buds first, then after I eat her out I throw her on the bed. Then I fuck the hell out her shouting 'Go for it baby!' When I'm finished I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n474f/there_were_these_three_guys_in_a_bar/
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Why couldn’t Achilles become a doctor after the Trojan War?

Because he couldn’t heel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n45pr/why_couldnt_achilles_become_a_doctor_after_the/
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Paratrooper

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go.
Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said,No, sir. I'm too scared.' "So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n408q/paratrooper/
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A Mother superior and two novices were killed in a bus crash.

They soon found themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter greeted all three.
"Welcome sisters, Mother superior. What a great honor to have you here." he said. Then a little more softly, he said.
"Unfortunately, we've had a few people slipping into heaven disguised as nuns. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you some skill testing questions."
The first novice stepped up bravely and said
"Ask your question St. Peter. I'm not afraid."
"Well then" St. Peter said. "Who were the first man and woman and where did they live?"
The novice's face brightened.
"Oh that's easy St. Peter! Their names were Adam and Eve and they lived in the garden of Eden."
"Correct!" St. Peter said. Then he pressed the buzzer on his lectern and opened the pearly gates.
The second novice stepped up.
"Ask your question St. Peter, I'm not afraid." She said.
"Well" St. Peter asked. " What were Adam and Eve forbidden to do?"
The Novice smiled.
"Oh, that's easy St. Peter! They were forbidden to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge."
"Right again!" Said St. Peter, and buzzed her in.
The mother superior stepped up.
"You've been in the game a bit longer, Mother Superior" St. Peter said. "So your question is a little more challenging. What is the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"
The Mother Superior stood there frowning in concentration.
"Gee, that's a hard one!" she said finally.
"Correct again!" Said St. Peter, and buzzed her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n3vog/a_mother_superior_and_two_novices_were_killed_in/
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I was standing in a library

And a black dude walks up to me and asked if i knew where the colored printer was. I told him "dude, it's almost 2018, use any printer you want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n3v0p/i_was_standing_in_a_library/
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A British doctor says:

"In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n3tqe/a_british_doctor_says/
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3 Nuns die in a car crash...

Before they know it they are at the pearly gates of heaven, being greeted by Saint Peter. He says to the Nuns, “To get into heaven you need to answer a 1 question each.” So he turns to the 1st Nuns and asks, “Who was the first man on earth?” And the nun replies, “That’s an easy one, Adam.” The gate swings open and she enters heaven. Then St. Peter turns to the second nun and asks, “Who was the first woman on earth?” “Easy peasy,” she says, “Eve.” And the gate swings open and she enters heaven. “Ok last question,” St. Peter says turning to the 3rd and final nun, “What is the first thing that the first woman said to the first man?” She thinks and thinks and out of slight frustration says, “Gee, that’s a hard one!” And the gate swings open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n3rw4/3_nuns_die_in_a_car_crash/
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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down and helps up a tiny man onto the bar, pulls out a tiny piano from his backpack, and the tiny man begins to play.
The more average sized man orders a drink and a few minutes go by until the bartender finally gives in.
"Alright, what's the deal with the pianist?" The bartender says.
"Well I was cleaning out my attic last week and happened across a lamp, with it being so dirty I gave it a polish up and before I knew it a genie was in front of me. He told me I could make a wish and he would do his best to make it come true.", The man replied.
"Neat!" Exclaimed the bartender. "Mind if I have a go?"
"Of course" the man replies and pulls the lamp out of his bag and hands it over.
The bartender walks out the back and a few minutes later hundreds of ducks come flying out of the room. They are all over the floor and don't seem to stop coming.
"God damn it!" The bartender comes back into the room whilst wading through a floor full of ducks. "I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!"
"Hey...Don't blame me!" The man replies, "The genie is hard of hearing. You think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n3nhh/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I'm not racist. Racism is a crime

And crime is for black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n3izp/im_not_racist_racism_is_a_crime/
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Don’t be a Donald.

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger said “I am a doctor on the verge of discovering a
cure for cancer.  I simply must survive so that millions of others may
live”.  And with that, the good doctor took one of the parachutes and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, I won by the biggest margin ever, the American people adore me and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old Muslim schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'
The little Muslim boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n3ibf/dont_be_a_donald/
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Deal with your problems like Jesus did

Pretend you’re dead and disappear for three days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n3fj4/deal_with_your_problems_like_jesus_did/
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A blind man walks into a bar

And a chair
And a table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n3dyf/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A police officer stops a old women on the interstate for speeding....

....He pulls her over and asks her if she has and weapons in her vehicle. She reply’s
“
yes I have a 22 in my glove box.”
He says ok anything else? she says,
“yes I have a shotgun in my trunk. “
He reply’s, is that all. She says
“no I have a handgun in my purse.”
The police says in confusion
”what are you so afraid of?”
“not a damn thing”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n3dne/a_police_officer_stops_a_old_women_on_the/
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If a woman likes you, you can tell her real hair colour from how it feels. Blondes touch you hard, brunettes touch you fast, redheads touch you...

Gingerly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n39rg/if_a_woman_likes_you_you_can_tell_her_real_hair/
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What do you call a River who acts in a very Childish way?

JuveNile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n38iq/what_do_you_call_a_river_who_acts_in_a_very/
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A horse walks into a bar

the bartender quips, "why the long face?".
The horse says, "my alcoholism is killing my family"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n36b7/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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Fuck a horse

Enjoy a stable relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n32vt/fuck_a_horse/
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A pirate walks in with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper...

His matey asks, "Aarrr, why is there a steering wheel coming out of your pants?"
The pirate respond, "Aarrr, it's me wife, she drives me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n32ie/a_pirate_walks_in_with_a_steering_wheel_sticking/
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Why did Miss Piggy call in sick from work?

She had had a frog in her throat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n2sl6/why_did_miss_piggy_call_in_sick_from_work/
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Growing tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden butt naked. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n2o50/growing_tomatoes/
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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, America decided to conduct their own study. The Americans didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the American study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n2l1p/several_years_ago_great_britain_funded_a_study_to/
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What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They can smell it, but they can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n2hlz/what_do_a_gynaecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_boy/
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You should always take my advice.

I’m clearly not fucking using it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n2hi0/you_should_always_take_my_advice/
%
Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday?

They hit a midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n2gg1/why_do_ethiopian_children_cry_on_their_6th/
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Have you read the new Oedipus and Midas crossover novel?

The reviews are saying it's pure motherfucking gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n2eax/have_you_read_the_new_oedipus_and_midas_crossover/
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a visitor to georgia saw a vicious dog attack a toddler

He took out his pocket knife, ran over, and stabbed the dog to death.
The mother of the toddler said
"now look here, you have saved my boy.
I happen to be a newspaper reporter, and in this week's newspaper I will personally make the headline:"
BRAVE LOCAL MAN SAVES CHILD BY KILLING BEAST
"that's great," said the man: "but I'm not from this town".
the reporter said "In that case, the headline will be:"
GEORGIA MAN SAVES CHILD BY KILLING DOG
"but I'm not actually from Georgia," the man said. "I'm from Vermont."
"oh". the reporter scowled
"the headline's gonna be:"
YANKEE BUTCHERS FAMILY PET

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n2e9x/a_visitor_to_georgia_saw_a_vicious_dog_attack_a/
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My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don’t have a clue how I’m going to get all that done by tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n2dk1/my_new_years_resolution_is_to_go_to_the_gym_more/
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And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n2czb/and_god_said_to_john_come_forth_and_you_shall_be/
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A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains...

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains with his pet newt when he comes across a pub. He enters the pub and sees that there is a sign that says dogs are allowed in.
"Can I bring my pet newt inside?" The man asks the bartender.
"Hmm, I suppose so." The bartender says, slightly sceptical.
The man leaves and enters again with the biggest newt the bartender had ever seen. It was almost a meter long and the bartender was shocked silent.
"This is my newt: Tiny." The man tells the bartender.
"Tiny? But it's massive!" The bartender says in shock.
"He's called Tiny because he's my newt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n29f5/a_man_is_hiking_through_the_welsh_mountains/
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An italian, an Irishman, a German, a talking dog,

a lesbian, a cowboy, the pope, a gambling midget, the president, and a ten inch pianist all walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at all of them and says:
"What is this, a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n25hw/an_italian_an_irishman_a_german_a_talking_dog/
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My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n25fr/my_new_years_resolution_is_to_stay_out_of_shape/
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My New Year’s Resolution is to stop making commitments that I can’t follow through with.

I guess I already failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n2368/my_new_years_resolution_is_to_stop_making/
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I need glasses to see my family.

In particular, two glasses of Scotch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n22mo/i_need_glasses_to_see_my_family/
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THE WINE TASTER

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1znn/the_wine_taster/
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A man's wife falls into a coma.

For the next ten days, he stays by her bedside, red-eyed and desperate. He reads to her and talks to her the entire time. Then, late one night, without knowing why, he reaches out and grabs her breast. She moans. It's the first sign she's given the entire time.
Excited, the husband runs out into the hall and accosts an intern.
"My wife's been in a coma for ten days, no response, but I just grabbed her breast and she moaned."
The doctor thinks for a moment.
"Why don't you try both breasts?"
"Good Idea!" says the husband. He runs back, massages both breasts and the woman moans loudly. He reports back to the doctor.
The doctor is excited as well.
"Listen" He says. " I know this is personal, but have you considered oral sex?"
The husbands face lights up.
"No. That's a great a idea!"
"Listen" says the doctor. I'll keep watch at the door, and you go in and see if you can bring her out of this!"
He gives the husband the thumbs up and a grin and the husband runs into his wife's hospital room.
Five minutes go by. Ten minutes go by. After twenty minutes, the husband emerges pale and shaking.
"What happened?" asked the doctor.
"She's dead!" cried the husband.
"What do you mean, she's dead?!" asked the doctor.
The husband shrugs helplessly and says 'She choked!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1xsh/a_mans_wife_falls_into_a_coma/
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A murderer, a necropheliac, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are at a bus stop when a cat walks by...

The murderer says "lets kill it"
The necropheliac says "lets kill it then have some fun with the remains"'
The pyromaniac says "You sick bastard... lets pour gasoline on it and light it up"
The masochist says "meow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1x62/a_murderer_a_necropheliac_a_pyromaniac_and_a/
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Did you hear about the boy who was made of glass?

Turns out he had a trans parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1wg7/did_you_hear_about_the_boy_who_was_made_of_glass/
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I went to the doctor and he told me I had to stop masturbating.

"Why"? I asked him.
"So I can examine you." he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1w2t/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_told_me_i_had_to_stop/
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Communism jokes aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1tsi/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Mahatma Ghandi

Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1sj8/mahatma_ghandi/
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Two boys are in class during religious education.

The first boy gets so bored that he falls asleep. The teacher then asks the class, "who created the earth?"
The second boy pulls out a needle and jabs his friend in the arm. He wakes up, startled, and yells, "God Almighty!"
"Correct," says the teacher.
The boy eventually drifts back to sleep. At the front of the class, the teacher asks, "who is the son of god?"
The boy's friend once again stabs him with the needle. He wakes up and yells, "Jesus Christ!"
"Correct," says the teacher.
Once more, the boy falls asleep. The teacher asks the class, "what did Eve say to Adam after their tenth child?"
The boy's friend stabs him in the arm, he wakes up and yells, "STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1scs/two_boys_are_in_class_during_religious_education/
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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1rtg/cop_on_horse_says_to_little_girl_on_bike_did/
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What does a slavemaster use to buy his slaves presents?

Mastercard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1res/what_does_a_slavemaster_use_to_buy_his_slaves/
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How did Jesus get in such good shape?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1r8s/how_did_jesus_get_in_such_good_shape/
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What do you call a person swimming in Paris' waters in winter?

In *Seine*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1q31/what_do_you_call_a_person_swimming_in_paris/
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A Spanish magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3

He says uno, dos... then POOF, he disappears without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1nui/a_spanish_magician_tells_the_audience_he_is_going/
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Did you hear that Nightblue3 and Eminem played League of Legends together yesterday?

Eminem got one shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1lh2/did_you_hear_that_nightblue3_and_eminem_played/
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How does Big Shaq compile his software?

From raw source.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1hks/how_does_big_shaq_compile_his_software/
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A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he’s going deaf

“What are the symptoms?” The doctor asks
“They’re that yellow family that live in Springfield”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1fy9/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors_as_he_thinks_hes_going/
%
I was stopped by a policeman and he asked me why I was speeding.

"Care to explain why you were going double the speed limit?" he asked.
I said, "I'm sorry, but my wife's about to give birth, I must hurry."
"Oh," he hesitated, "are you going to pick her up?"
"No, I'm going to the airport."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n1b49/i_was_stopped_by_a_policeman_and_he_asked_me_why/
%
A fly flew down 6 inches to get a drink of water...

A fish in the water sees the fly and thinks all he has to do is fly down 6 inches to get a drink of water so I can eat the fly...
A bear on the side of the river sees the fish and thinks all that fly has to do is drop 6 inches to get a drink of water so the fish can get the fly and the bear can get the fish
A hunter in the woods sees the bear and thinks all that fly has to do is drop 6 inches to get water so the fish can get the fly, the bear can get the fish, and the hunter can get the bear
A mouse in the hunters pocket sees all this and thinks to himself all that fly has to do is drop 6 inches to the fish can get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter gets the bear, and the mouse can get the piece of cheese on the ground when the hunter crouches to shoot the bear
A cat in the bushes sees the mouse and thinks all that fly has to do is drop 6 inches so the fish can get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter gets the bear, the mouse gets the cheese, and the cat can get the mouse
So the fly gets the water, the fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter gets the bear, the mouse gets the cheese, but when the cat goes for the mouse it misses and falls into the water. Now what’s the moral of this story you might ask?
Every time a fly drops down 6 inches a pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n19bh/a_fly_flew_down_6_inches_to_get_a_drink_of_water/
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A man goes to the doctors to find a cure for his lack of hearing

The doctor prescribed a hearing apparatus, and scheduled him in for surgery in December.
After the surgery was complete, the man asked the doctor if everything went well. The doctor responded, "everything is fine sir. We've run our tests and you're ready to be discharged. Merry Christmas, and a happy new ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n158d/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors_to_find_a_cure_for_his/
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I’m not bragging, but I made six figures this year…

So they named me the year’s worst employee at the toy factory...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n13yc/im_not_bragging_but_i_made_six_figures_this_year/
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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n10ry/three_men_a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an/
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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0wuk/a_monkey_is_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint_when/
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A teacher asked for 3 volunteers to each take home $1 and spend it in the most economicall way they could think of.

The three students chosen were Betty, Samuel and Adam.
The next morning the teacher asked them to stand up and tell the class how they spent their $1.
Betty: "I went to the shop and bought a bag of lollies. I took them home and I had some, I gave some to my Brother, some to my Mother, some to my Father, some to my Grandmother, some to my Grandfather, some to the dog and some to the cat. Then I used the bag that the lollies came in to bring my sandwiches to school this morning".
Teacher: "That's very good Betty, how about you Samuel?"
Samuel: "Well Miss, I went to the shop and bought some yoghurt. I had some, gave some to my Brother, some to my Mother, some to my Father, some to my Grandmother, some to my Grandfather, some to the dog and some to the cat. Then I washed out the container and filled it with fresh fruit pieces for school today."
Teacher: "Well done Samuel, that's also very good. What about you Adam, how did you spend your $1?"
Adam: "Well Miss, I went to the butcher and bought a sausage. When I got home I removed the sausage meat from the skin and cooked it. I had some, gave some to my Brother, some to my Mother, some to my Father some to my Grandmother, some to my Grandfather, some to the dog and some to the cat. Then I used the sausage skin as a condom on my Brother, he used it on Mum, Mum used it with Dad, Dad used it on Grandma, Grandma used it with Grandpa, Grandpa used it on the dog and the dog used it on the cat. Then I did a shit in it, tied it up, took it back to the butcher and said ""here, smell this"" and he  gave me my $1 back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0wmc/a_teacher_asked_for_3_volunteers_to_each_take/
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A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies and diapers”.
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0usm/a_woman_visits_the_doctor_as_she_has_some/
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Why are Americans so bad at League Of Legends??

Because they can't defend their towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0ulq/why_are_americans_so_bad_at_league_of_legends/
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How many Germans does it take to screw a lightbulb in?

One, because they are efficient and not very funny.
If you’ve seen this joke before, feel free to call out the repost. If you haven’t seen this one before, you probably did Nazi that punchline coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0qrr/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_a/
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Hung Like a Baby

A young, and very conservative couple is planning to get married. They are deeply in love, but have scarcely done more than hold hands, and only with each other. As they walk along the downtown streets of their city, admiring wedding dresses and cakes at various shops, and making notes about what they like, the conversation slowly takes a serious turn.
The man says, "Look, there is something I need to share with you. I have never shared this with anyone, but I have heard that penis size is important to women."
"I'm confused," says the young woman.
"I'm hung like a baby," the man replies.
The woman thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, as you know, I am a virgin and have nothing to compare it to, so I don't think it matters. I love you, and I am looking forward to a happy life with you."
Feeling relieved, the man begins walking again, and the woman follows but looks concerned.
Finally, after a long pause, she says, "I, too, should share something with you. I know from my friends that men love large breasts on a woman, and I must tell you that I am afraid you will be disappointed. I wear a padded bra, I am basically flat as a board, and I am very nervous that you will not like me so much when you see me naked."
The man thinks for a moment, then replies, "My dear, you know I have nothing to compare your chest to, in the nude, and I love you, so I am not concerned. Let's be married and have a happy life."
Both relieved, they continue planning the wedding, and shortly thereafter they do get married.
On the wedding night, both are understandably nervous, being as inexperienced as they are. They kiss, and slowly begin remove each other’s clothing.
As the young woman’s shirt, and then her bra, come off, sure enough – not even an A cup. But, this man loves his new wife, and continues with enthusiasm.
Soon, the woman slowly works the man’s pants off, and slowly slides down his underwear. Immediately after seeing his penis, in a very anticipatory state, she faints.
In a panic, the young man elevates her legs and ensures she is breathing as she is clearly in shock. Soon enough, she comes to, and he is relieved.
He promptly asks if she is ok, to which she replies, “I thought you said you were hung like a baby?”
“I am,” he says, “21.5 inches, 8 pounds, 9 ounces.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0p4m/hung_like_a_baby/
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Today in church they asked what a Bishop does

Apparently “move diagonally” wasn't the answer they were looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0ldr/today_in_church_they_asked_what_a_bishop_does/
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My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles.

I said she would look fucking stupid without any ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0khb/my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_to_try_and_get_rid/
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An elderly man in Louisiana ...

........ had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0eec/an_elderly_man_in_louisiana/
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I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0dk2/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
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My friend glued a fake beard on to look like Jason Momoa

I don't think he could pull it off very well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0bj8/my_friend_glued_a_fake_beard_on_to_look_like/
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Why is Kylo Ren always so angry?

Because he's Ben Solo all his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0a7q/why_is_kylo_ren_always_so_angry/
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A man walks into a bar.

The barman asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. So I have decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The barman looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you commit suicide at all let alone in my pub!"
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The barman leans in and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the pub.
A couple hours goes by and the barman is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the pub with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The barman asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n09c3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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TIL: Chuck Norris died earlier this month

But the Grim Reaper hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n091s/til_chuck_norris_died_earlier_this_month/
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Go kill that son of a bitch

One fine morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog. Suddenly a Pakistani came out from the bushes and shot the poor dog three times. The dog died.
The billionaire screamed at the killer, “Why did you do that?”
The killer answered, "Your wife gave me £ 50,000 and told me: Go kill that son of a bitch.”
The billionaire hugged the killer and with tears in his eyes he said... "I am forever grateful to your English teacher.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n06cw/go_kill_that_son_of_a_bitch/
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Did you hear about the Guitar Teacher [NSFW]

He was arrested for fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0564/did_you_hear_about_the_guitar_teacher_nsfw/
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I’m currently writing a screenplay about two Jedi knights who fall in love, only to discover that their midichlorians are killing them.

I’m calling it The Fault in Our Star Wars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n03v5/im_currently_writing_a_screenplay_about_two_jedi/
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What do you call a black spy?

Incognegro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0301/what_do_you_call_a_black_spy/
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TIL Titles with unfinished sentences

...are hard to resist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n02tu/til_titles_with_unfinished_sentences/
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A man picks up a phone in the mall...

A man picks up and answers a phone in a mall. A woman is on the other end.
"Hello darling" she says," I recently saw a necklace in a catalog and I want it, so do you mind if i use your credit card?"
"How expensive is it?" the man says.
"Just $1200."
"That cheap? Hell, get four of them for you so you can wear a different one each season."
"You're so generous honey. Oh, I also want a ring."
"How expensive?"
"Um, only $5000."
"Get two, one for each hand."
"Thank you! Oh, and I also want a new car, it's $40000."
"Sure, why not."
"I love you so much dear! I gotta go, bye."
After that the man looks around the mall and loudly asks,  "Did anyone drop a phone?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n027c/a_man_picks_up_a_phone_in_the_mall/
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A man is passing through a small town and sees a horse tied up in front of a bar

There's a sign next to the horse that says "Make this horse laugh, win $1000 and free drinks for the night"
The man decides to give it a shot. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear.
The horse bursts out laughing.
The bartender is shocked and begrudgingly pays the man and gives him a night of free drinks.
The man wakes up the next morning and continues on with his journey.
On his way back home, this man sees a new sign next to this horse that reads "Make this horse cry, win $2,000 and free drinks for two nights."
Having been successful the first time, the man walks up to the horse and a few moments later the horse is sobbing.
The bartender is pissed that the same man won his contest both times. He pays up and starts pouring beer for him.
After a few drinks, the bartender breaks and says "look, I'm losing a lot of money on this. You have to tell me how you did it."
The man finishes his beer and says with a grin, "Last week, i told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This week, i proved it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7n0196/a_man_is_passing_through_a_small_town_and_sees_a/
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My girlfriend is like my will to live

I've never had a will to live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mzyqm/my_girlfriend_is_like_my_will_to_live/
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My friend tells me English has prefixes, suffixes, and infixes...

I know the first two, but an infix?  That is un-fucking-believable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mzycx/my_friend_tells_me_english_has_prefixes_suffixes/
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A tired explorer was trekking in the forest...

He chances upon a village. Extremely weary from his journey, he begged the Chinese villager to let him rest the night.
The villager replied: “you can sleep on the bed upstairs and have all the food you like. But you must not touch my daughter.”
The explorer agreed. That evening, however, the villager went out hunting. The explorer took the opportunity to sleep with his daughter, thinking: “he’ll never find out”. So he slept well that night.
The next morning, he woke up to find a large rock on his stomach. There was a note on it. “You slept with my daughter when I told you not to. You will now be exposed to the three worst forms of Chinese torture.  Chinese torture #1: 10kg rock on stomach.”
The explorer scoffed. 10kg was nothing to him. He pick up the rock easily and threw it out of the window. Suddenly, he felt a tug on his dick. Looking up, he saw another note on the wall: “Chinese torture #2: left testicle tied to rock”.
Instinctively, the explorer jumped out of the window. All of a second, his dick was completely ripped off. In his last moments, he saw the third note on the outside. “Chinese torture #3: right testicle tied to bedpost.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mzvbq/a_tired_explorer_was_trekking_in_the_forest/
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Two Priests are in a burning Chruch

Priest 1 : WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN
Priest 2 : FUCK THE CHILDREN
Priest 1 : Do we have time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mzu6t/two_priests_are_in_a_burning_chruch/
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A boy is walking home with groceries and his border collie...

... and he comes across a pool of toxic waste.
Absolutely shocked at this sight, he dropped his groceries and let go of his dog.  His dog wasn't the smartest, and it jumped into the toxic waste. The boy's groceries also fell in. After finally recovering, the boy called the cops to report both his dogs death and  the toxic waste. When the cleanup crew arrived, they thanked the boy for reporting the spill, and apologised because they couldn't find his dog. However they did find that his watermelon had grown a snout and tail, and seemed to look like his dog.  Suddenly, the watermelon started barking and running around. Somehow the watermelon he had bought and his dog had combined. He picked up the watermelon/border collie and hugged it, and it licked him back.
He embraced the melon-collie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mzqrp/a_boy_is_walking_home_with_groceries_and_his/
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The only thing flat-Earthers have to fear..

...is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mzpmg/the_only_thing_flatearthers_have_to_fear/
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What kind of pasta should you NEVER put on your face?

Ziti!
(This might be a repost, but my mom just thought of it and I thought it was hilarious 😘)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mzosp/what_kind_of_pasta_should_you_never_put_on_your/
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Why do Indians hate the snow so much?

Because its white and occupies all of their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mzm6z/why_do_indians_hate_the_snow_so_much/
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2 north korean farmers were working in a field

When all of a sudden they spot 2 grenades in the rice paddy up ahead.
Farmer 1: let us take the grenades to the police in a car
Farmer 2: what if one of them explodes while we are on the way to the police station?
Farmer 1: we tell the police that we found only 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mzgdy/2_north_korean_farmers_were_working_in_a_field/
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A woman got a tattoo of Elvis Presley on her inner thigh

, but she didn’t think it looked like Elvis at all. She complained to the artist who reluctantly agreed to try to redo the tattoo in the same spot on the other leg, which the woman agreed to.
After the artist was done, the woman realized the new tattoo was even worse than original one!
Defeated, the woman returned home to her boyfriend. She removed her pants and asked her boyfriend who her new tattoos looked like, looking for some confirmation.
After some contemplation and looking from thigh to thigh, the boyfriend said, “I don’t know about the left and right, but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mzgax/a_woman_got_a_tattoo_of_elvis_presley_on_her/
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I'm taking the goose farmer's daughter to the dance...

I heard she knows how to get down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mzeea/im_taking_the_goose_farmers_daughter_to_the_dance/
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A boy and his grandaddy

A boy and his granddaddy are fishing when the boy sees his granddaddy pull out a bag of chewing tobacco.
The boy says “granddaddy I think I’d like to try some of that chew.”
The granddaddy says “son is your dick long enough to reach your asshole?”
The boy thinks an minute and says “no.”
The granddaddy says “well you’re not old enough yet.”
A few hours pass and the granddaddy pulls a beer out of the cooler.
The boy says “granddaddy I want one of those.”
Again the granddaddy ask “is your dick long enough to reach your asshole?”
The boy angry now says “no.”
The grandaddy says “then you’re not old enough.”
On the ride home the boy pulls some cookies out of his lunch box.
The granddaddy says “son let me have one of those cookies.”
The boy says “is your dick long enough to reach your asshole?”
The grandaddy says “well yes!”
The little boys says “then go fuck yourself!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mz9uo/a_boy_and_his_grandaddy/
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Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

Two ladies talking in heaven
First woman: Hi Wanda!
Second woman: Hi Sylvia! How did you die?
First woman: I froze to death.
Second woman: How horrible!
First woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, then I finally died a very peaceful death. What about you?
Second woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV.
First woman: So what happened?
Second woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic to search and down into the basement. I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up till I had looked everywhere. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over from a heart attack and died.
First woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer - we’d both still be alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mz9gb/two_ladies_talking_in_heaven/
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LPT: Be careful driving on New Years Eve

A lot of men will be drunk, so their wives and girlfriends will be the ones driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mz504/lpt_be_careful_driving_on_new_years_eve/
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I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers...

...but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mz4ly/i_used_to_own_a_wheelbarrow_full_of_fourleaf/
%
How is a wife and a grenade similar

Remove the ring and your house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7myzw0/how_is_a_wife_and_a_grenade_similar/
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What’s the best thing about a gypsy on her period?

When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7myyro/whats_the_best_thing_about_a_gypsy_on_her_period/
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Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.

Because actions speak louder than words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7myvns/once_i_got_kicked_out_of_a_library_for_being_a/
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Flasher opens his trenchcoat, exposing himself to three elderly women on a park bench.

First elderly woman sees what is happening and has a stroke. Second elderly woman sees what is happening and also has a stroke. Third elderly woman sees what is happening, but doesn't have a stroke -- her arms were too short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mypte/flasher_opens_his_trenchcoat_exposing_himself_to/
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What's Santa Claus's favorite band?

Sleigher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mypk2/whats_santa_clauss_favorite_band/
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Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store?

Because you always only get booze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7myn73/whys_it_so_hard_to_perform_comedy_in_a_liquor/
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Intelligence is the first thing I look for in woman.

Because if she doesn’t have THAT, I may just have a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7myfm1/intelligence_is_the_first_thing_i_look_for_in/
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What's the difference between your job and your wife?

After five years your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7myd57/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_your/
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Son tells his dad he’s cold. Dad says go and stand in the corner.

It’s 90 degrees there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7myan5/son_tells_his_dad_hes_cold_dad_says_go_and_stand/
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I didn’t know what to wear to my first Masturbaters Anonymous meeting the other day...

So I just came in my pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7my4gp/i_didnt_know_what_to_wear_to_my_first/
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Rey: It’s not to late Kylo, come with me.

Kylo: Sorry Rey, but I’ve always Ben Solo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxyci/rey_its_not_to_late_kylo_come_with_me/
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Breaking news from Egypt: they found a tomb covered in chocolate and nuts.

They said it was a Pharaoh Rocher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxxm2/breaking_news_from_egypt_they_found_a_tomb/
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I went to the zoo last week and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxwha/i_went_to_the_zoo_last_week_and_saw_a_baguette_in/
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I thought my snail's shell was weighing him down,

but after I removed it he appeared even more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxw6j/i_thought_my_snails_shell_was_weighing_him_down/
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How do you make a hormone?

You fuck her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxuxl/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
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What do you call Santa after he retires and buys a farm?

A Jolly Rancher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxrz5/what_do_you_call_santa_after_he_retires_and_buys/
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I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxpt0/ive_been_training_for_months_to_achieve_the_world/
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Time travelling punchlines.

What is the best way to ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxocc/time_travelling_punchlines/
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An elderly woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for contraceptives

The pharmacist is confused and asks why she would need them.
She replies "they help me sleep at night."
The pharmacist asks "how so?"
"When I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning I sleep better at night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxo1c/an_elderly_woman_goes_to_the_pharmacy_and_asks/
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Cases for phone are like condoms...

They protect it but it's just not the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxmnl/cases_for_phone_are_like_condoms/
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A guy decides to wander the desert for 2 weeks with only supplies and a camel.

After a week though, he starts thinking about women and gets aroused. Considering he’s a week into his solemn stroll, he tries to think of a solution to fulfill his needs. The only solution he could think of was the camel.
He pulls down his pants and begins to try to ... seduce ... the camel. But everytime he thrusts forward, the camel does the same and he keeps missing the animal by a couple inches. So he gives up.
All of a sudden a Range Rover 4x4 comes driving towards them and has a flat right in front of the guy. This beautiful woman hops out of the car and asks the man for help, saying he could ask her whatever if he fixed the car.
He didn’t even think about and repaired the car right away. So the woman steps closer to the guy and whispers: “You can ask me anything you’d like.”
The guy responds: “Oh great; if you could just hold that camel right there.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxmda/a_guy_decides_to_wander_the_desert_for_2_weeks/
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Does anyone know where they sell Less?

People have been telling me for years I have to eat it, and really should be drinking it too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxk8m/does_anyone_know_where_they_sell_less/
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What do you call two life-long best friends that also happen to be food critics?

Taste buds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxh8i/what_do_you_call_two_lifelong_best_friends_that/
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What's the scariest thing about a white guy in a prison?

You know he actually did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxgwx/whats_the_scariest_thing_about_a_white_guy_in_a/
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Three women are on death row in Utah...

...and about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready.....Aim....." Suddenly the brunette yells, "Hurricane!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready....Aim...." The redhead then screams, "Twister!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready....Aim...." The blonde shouts, "Fire!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxgi6/three_women_are_on_death_row_in_utah/
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How many cops does it take to throw a black guy down the stairs?

None. He fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxg02/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_throw_a_black_guy/
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My local funeral service is offering a 2-for-1 deal on coffins...

... but only to short people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxerz/my_local_funeral_service_is_offering_a_2for1_deal/
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Girls today are like a box of chocolates...

You never know which ones have nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mxd46/girls_today_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Bob the cactus is talking to his wife, Mandy.

Mandy says: "You're so selfish. You have to remember that it's cact-US."
Bob responds: "Actually, the plural of cactus is catc-I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mx417/bob_the_cactus_is_talking_to_his_wife_mandy/
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I was a 26 year old virgin until last night

Yesterday i turned 27!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mx3ml/i_was_a_26_year_old_virgin_until_last_night/
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I accidentally stabbed my teacher in the face with a pencil.

I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mx04y/i_accidentally_stabbed_my_teacher_in_the_face/
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Where does William Tell take his garbage?

To the dump to the dump to the dump^dump^dump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwy2n/where_does_william_tell_take_his_garbage/
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Two guys from the 50's

were talking out front of one's house.
The first neighbor says to the other, " what do you think of that new family, the Petrov's?"
The second neighbor looks at him and replies, " I don't know if they're commies Teddy, but they sure do raise a lot of red flags."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwwzb/two_guys_from_the_50s/
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ive had amnesia

for as long as i cant remember

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwvuv/ive_had_amnesia/
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I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwvux/i_got_arrested_for_killing_a_black_man/
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I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

It read:
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months, and I have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.
At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night.
In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards, Richard
I was so angered and betrayed, that I grabbed my gun, went next door, and shot Richard...killing him.
I went back home, and poured myself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
Just then, I looked at my phone, and discovered a second text message from Richard.
Second text message:
Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwvim/i_got_a_text_from_my_nextdoor_neighbor_today/
%
How did the serial killer get through the woods?

They used a psychopath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwvfw/how_did_the_serial_killer_get_through_the_woods/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates.

I don't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwu4t/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
A poor Irish family lives on a farm...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.
One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.
"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.
The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.
"I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.
The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.
"I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.
The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.
"Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky.
Poof! A female leprechaun appears.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies.
The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.
The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?"
The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold.
The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?"
She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion."
The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?"
She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland."
The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?"
"What do you mean?" says the leprechaun.
"The cow didn't."
Edit 2: Thanks stranger for popping my gold cherry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwqrp/a_poor_irish_family_lives_on_a_farm/
%
My friend just told me he has HIV

I told him to stay positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwpvr/my_friend_just_told_me_he_has_hiv/
%
I once spent all night trying to figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwp26/i_once_spent_all_night_trying_to_figure_out_where/
%
A guy tried to give himself a sex change operation.

It didn't look like he was going to do it, but somehow he managed to pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwlyk/a_guy_tried_to_give_himself_a_sex_change_operation/
%
An elderly couple is traveling around the US in their retirement.

On one of their stops, the husband, Sam bought something he always wanted - a pair of cowboy boots. As they settled in for the night in their motel, Sam tried on the boots in the bathroom and came out to show his wife, Marge.
"Notice anything different about me, Marge?"
"Nope," said Marge.
Sam went back into the bathroom and took off all his clothes. He came back out into the room wearing only the boots.
"How about now, Marge? Notice anything different?"
"Nope," said Marge.
"Look really hard - nothing new?"
"Nope. It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow."
"It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"
"Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."
(courtesy of my Uncle on Christmas)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwkm6/an_elderly_couple_is_traveling_around_the_us_in/
%
A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwhg5/a_blonde_pushes_her_bmw_into_the_gas_station_and/
%
A cabby picked up 3 rather large women and was taking them downtown. As﻿ they were talking he thought he detected a Scottish accent. he asked "Are you three ladies from Scotland?"

They looked at each other silently, then one of the sneered at﻿ him and said "It's Wales, you idiot."
"Oh, excuse me. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwfzr/a_cabby_picked_up_3_rather_large_women_and_was/
%
Her: How come your still single?

Me: *You’re

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwd1h/her_how_come_your_still_single/
%
What do you call an all female talk show?

A Broad-cast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwd0o/what_do_you_call_an_all_female_talk_show/
%
Russian Investments

Two Russians meet up:
- Have you heard, Bitcoin went up in value?
- Ya. But I only invest in one thing - VODKA
- Why Vodka?
- Where else do you get a 40% return??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwcy6/russian_investments/
%
Why are amputees so good at road trips?

They’re always on the last leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwc1v/why_are_amputees_so_good_at_road_trips/
%
What do you call 5 black people having sex?

A threesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mwa2q/what_do_you_call_5_black_people_having_sex/
%
A woman...

...comes home and and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams:
- 'You promised me you would never cheat again'.
The husband replies; 'Oh for fucks sake, can't you see I'm trying to cut down?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mw4k1/a_woman/
%
[So proud, my 8yo made this up at Golden Corral last night....] What kind of pasta do you make yourself?

Make-your-owni

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mw4eq/so_proud_my_8yo_made_this_up_at_golden_corral/
%
A man takes his nine year old daughter to the doctor.

After several hours in the waiting room, they're called in.
"Hello," the doctor says. "How can I help you?"
The man nods, "It"s my daughter, I was wondering if you could put her on birth control."
"Birth control?" the doctor is incredulous. "She"s too young to be sexually active!"
"Sexually active?" the father says, "She just lies there like her mother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mw2fg/a_man_takes_his_nine_year_old_daughter_to_the/
%
Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mw032/guy_can_i_buy_you_a_drink/
%
What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

Q: What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?
A: No ballroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvzz7/what_do_cheap_hotels_and_designer_jeans_have_in/
%
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman and told me I was arrested for being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvyh2/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_police_woman_and/
%
My new year's resolution is to be more assertive...

...if that's OK with you guys?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvwet/my_new_years_resolution_is_to_be_more_assertive/
%
What do marriage and a tornado have in common?

Starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing and the next thing you know your house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvvka/what_do_marriage_and_a_tornado_have_in_common/
%
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked…

I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvv3i/i_scared_the_postman_today_by_going_to_the_door/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvus6/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat_next/
%
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvulz/my_girlfriend_said_you_act_like_a_detective_too/
%
An even BETTER wifi password

fourwordsalluppercase

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvugp/an_even_better_wifi_password/
%
As l looked up and stared into his eyes, he had a fixed gaze on me

Moving my hands all over l asked "like that daddy?" He said "yes baby thats good". As i finished i couldnt help but smile; I had tied my first shoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvszo/as_l_looked_up_and_stared_into_his_eyes_he_had_a/
%
I got transferred from work three times this year for letting my clients give me oral during checkups.

I’m starting to think that maybe a veterinarian career isn’t for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvsem/i_got_transferred_from_work_three_times_this_year/
%
Fish swims into a wall

Says "dam"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvn1l/fish_swims_into_a_wall/
%
What’s the easiest way to remember your wife’s birthday?

A: Forget it once!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvmeh/whats_the_easiest_way_to_remember_your_wifes/
%
All I have ever done is dispense hot and cold water to people

The real r/ShowerThoughts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvmej/all_i_have_ever_done_is_dispense_hot_and_cold/
%
To all the people who stand up as soon as the plane has landed...

You must suffer from premature evacuation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvm9t/to_all_the_people_who_stand_up_as_soon_as_the/
%
Asking for a friend...

Please, I am very lonely and have nobody to talk to but my parakeet, Humphrey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvlso/asking_for_a_friend/
%
What do you call a Chinese underage hooker?

Sum Yung Ho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvifm/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_underage_hooker/
%
What is the female version of a circle jerk?

A finger ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvi7s/what_is_the_female_version_of_a_circle_jerk/
%
Why do astronauts think they are better than others?

Cause they're always looking down on us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvi24/why_do_astronauts_think_they_are_better_than/
%
How deep is the average vagina usually?

Deep enough to take your house, car, kids and life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvf92/how_deep_is_the_average_vagina_usually/
%
A Truck Carrying Red Paint Crashes Into a Truck Carrying Brown Paint on a Deserted Island. What Happens to the Drivers?

They get marooned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvf7r/a_truck_carrying_red_paint_crashes_into_a_truck/
%
Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions?

Cause I do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvct9/dont_you_hate_it_when_people_answer_their_own/
%
What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two damn Arabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mv7o7/whats_your_name_asked_the_teacher/
%
let's play Barbie.....

I'll be Ken, you be the box I come in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mv6bb/lets_play_barbie/
%
Talking to myself is alright as long as no one replies.

Right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mv3ks/talking_to_myself_is_alright_as_long_as_no_one/
%
Are you a new years resolution?

Cuz I could see myself doing you for a month or two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mv38t/are_you_a_new_years_resolution/
%
So a Buddhist goes to a hotdog stand.

And asks the server to "make me one with everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mv16k/so_a_buddhist_goes_to_a_hotdog_stand/
%
To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don’t care how many “heart attack victims” you have to “take to the hospital.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7muyqj/to_all_of_you_idiots_out_there_that_drive_loud/
%
A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe...

...and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child!
The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you're the only white man we've ever seen around here, and this woman just gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7muy2u/a_professor_travels_to_africa_to_live_with_a/
%
Little Johnny

is sitting in class one day, the teacher says, you have three birds sitting on a fence, you shoot one bird, how many birds are left. Johnny thought for a minute, and said no birds. Teacher says I'm sorry Johnny, but you are incorrect, explain your answer please. Johnny says, well every time I shoot a bird off of a fence all the others fly away. The teacher said Johnny was incorrect but I like the way you think.
Johnny raises his hand and says teacher, I have a question for you. There are three women eating ice cream, one is biting it, one is licking it, and one is sucking it, which one is married. The teacher thought for a moment and said, well, I guess the one sucking it . Johnny chuckled and said no, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7muoph/little_johnny/
%
Has anyone heard of the movie where the guy dies with a boner?

You know,
Die Hard?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mun4r/has_anyone_heard_of_the_movie_where_the_guy_dies/
%
I could never be with anyone other than my wife.

No matter how much I plead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7muksu/i_could_never_be_with_anyone_other_than_my_wife/
%
I was gonna have a three way...

But then I decided, if I want to disappoint two people at the same time, I'll just have dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7muidx/i_was_gonna_have_a_three_way/
%
My girlfriend is like an iPhone X

I wish I had an iPhone X

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7muhxg/my_girlfriend_is_like_an_iphone_x/
%
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mufpu/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof_fell_in_love_and_got/
%
What do you call a communist sniper

A marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mufnv/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
Girl are you a zero APR loan?

because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mueo6/girl_are_you_a_zero_apr_loan/
%
A termite walks into a bar...

and asks, "where's the bar-tender?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7muddz/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns…

…or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mubfv/are_there_a_lot_of_firstperson_singular_objective/
%
I watched a video on how to get better internet...

I'll inform my neighbour right away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mu9hp/i_watched_a_video_on_how_to_get_better_internet/
%
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888.

So that when some one asks for the password you can say 12345678.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mu7u8/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
%
If you leave your spouse, you are divorced. If you leave your fiance...

You are dis-engaged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mu7lo/if_you_leave_your_spouse_you_are_divorced_if_you/
%
“Son, I found a condom in your room.”

“Gee thanks, Grandpa!”
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”
“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mu7ks/son_i_found_a_condom_in_your_room/
%
God Will Save Me

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mtzhw/god_will_save_me/
%
A friend of mine suggested I stop drinking beer and drink hard liquor to lose weight

figured it was worth a shot, so I bought two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mty4x/a_friend_of_mine_suggested_i_stop_drinking_beer/
%
If a woman tells you her nipples are pierced...

...the only logical response is, "I don't believe you.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mtxj1/if_a_woman_tells_you_her_nipples_are_pierced/
%
I sat in traffic all day yesterday...

I feel so run-down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mtx76/i_sat_in_traffic_all_day_yesterday/
%
There's too much nudity on TV these days.

I just sit there all the time, shaking my fist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mtwh6/theres_too_much_nudity_on_tv_these_days/
%
With great reflexes...

...come great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mtveo/with_great_reflexes/
%
You were there for me when I had my doubts, you always gave me guidance, and you always offered me options.

Thanks Google.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mtv5f/you_were_there_for_me_when_i_had_my_doubts_you/
%
Two cheese trucks ran into each other

De brie was everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mttgh/two_cheese_trucks_ran_into_each_other/
%
Sadly, my best friend passed away yesterday, so I went to see his wife today...

I said to her, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."
She replied, "But he wasn't ill, he died suddenly."
I said, "I know, I meant, being married to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mtsi9/sadly_my_best_friend_passed_away_yesterday_so_i/
%
My Chinese buddy died last week...

So Yung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mts31/my_chinese_buddy_died_last_week/
%
A man and a woman are making love...

...when the man notices a picture of another man on the lady's bedside.
The man panics and asks, "Who is this? Is this your husband?"
The woman smiles and says, "No... You're so hot when you're jealous!"
The man is still panicked and asks, "Boyfriend?"
The woman shakes her head.
The man is slightly relieved and asks, "Then who is it? Your father? Brother?"
The woman replies, "No..." She leans into his ear and whispers, "That was me before the surgery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mtrm8/a_man_and_a_woman_are_making_love/
%
It's almost 2018!

My New Year's revolution is to proofread more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mtrkt/its_almost_2018/
%
Every girl's a bit of Marilyn...

But some of them got more from Manson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mtk3a/every_girls_a_bit_of_marilyn/
%
A young boy realises his mother is cheating on his father...

He hides in the closet. When his dad comes home, the visitor jumps in the closest as well, to hide. The boy says,
"Gee, sure is dark in here."
"I guess it is," says the man.
"Tell you what," says the boy, "I'll sell you my baseball bat for $500 dollars. Don't buy it, and I'll tell my dad that you've been here."
The man reluctantly hands over the money and the boy gives him the baseball bat. The next night, the same thing happens.
"Gee, sure is dark in here," says the boy.
"Yup," says the man.
"I'll tell you what, I'll sell you my baseball glove for $500. Don't buy it, and I'll tell my dad that you've been here," says the boy.
The man reluctantly hands over the money. The next night, the same thing happens again.
"Gee, sure is dark in here," says the boy.
"Damn you," says the man, "what are you selling this time?"
"My baseball, for $500."
The man reluctantly hands over the money. The next day, the boy's father goes up to him and says,
"Son, let's go to the park and play baseball."
But the boy says, "sorry dad, but I sold my baseball gear for $1500."
"You shouldn't be selling things to your friends for such ridiculous prices," says the boy's father, "I'm taking you to church to confess your sins."
In the confession booth, the boy says, "gee, sure is dark in here."
And the priest says,
"Don't start that shit again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mthmm/a_young_boy_realises_his_mother_is_cheating_on/
%
What's Big Shaq's favorite type of software?

Open-sauce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mtfxs/whats_big_shaqs_favorite_type_of_software/
%
If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God,

Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mtetj/if_mary_gave_birth_to_jesus_and_jesus_is_the_lamb/
%
What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt finishes the race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mterw/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
%
A guy called his Ex

and told her "I missed you".
The Ex replied "Oh that's sweet, but it's over".
The guy said "Yea I know, but can you please stand closer to the window so I won't miss you again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mtbak/a_guy_called_his_ex/
%
Magic beer

A man walks into a rooftop bar and sits next to another guy.
"What are you drinking", the man asks
"Magic beer", the stranger replies.
"What do you mean?“
So the stranger shows him. He downs his beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building and lands back on his seat with a triumphant smile.
"Amazing, let me try as well!“
He drinks the beer, dives off the roof and plummets 15 stories to his death. The bartender rolls his eyes.
"You know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mtat7/magic_beer/
%
My son was thrown out of school

today for letting a girl wank him off. I said "son, that's three schools this year...
...Maybe teaching isn't for you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mt347/my_son_was_thrown_out_of_school/
%
Soviet Joke

Soviet Union, 1980. Lecturer in village talks about communism. Question from audience.
- Yes, comrade, what's your question?
- Will there ever be true communism?
- Yes, it's just on the horizon
- What's a horizon?
- An imaginary line that keeps moving away from you as you get closer to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mt04p/soviet_joke/
%
A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door yesterday...

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in.  He said, "Yeah, okay." I said "I'm just making a cup of tea, do you want one?" He said, "Yeah, sure." I said, "I've just made some toast do you want a slice?" He said, "Yeah, why not." We sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know, I've never got this far before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mst2s/a_jehovahs_witness_knocked_on_my_door_yesterday/
%
Jesus walks into a hotel

, throws three nails onto the counter and says "hey buddy, can you put me up for the night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7msp27/jesus_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
We don't give toilets enough credit

they take a lot of shit and never complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7msktr/we_dont_give_toilets_enough_credit/
%
Police are like a box of chocolates.......

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mshqm/police_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
My ex-wife still misses me

But her aim is steadily improving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7msgpm/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
%
Interviewer: have you done any public service?

Me: I write product reviews online for mostly everything I buy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7msahk/interviewer_have_you_done_any_public_service/
%
What do you do when you see a space man

You park, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ms7bp/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_space_man/
%
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ms1yd/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
How do you get Dick from Richard?

You take him out to dinner first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ms1c8/how_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
%
A man walks into a bar carrying three ducks

He sets the ducks on the bar and excuses himself the the restroom.
The bartender, bored, looks at one of the ducks and says "Hey there little fella, what's your name?" To his surprise, the duck responds "My names Huey!"
The bartender then asks "Well Huey, how was your day?"
"Oh, it was pretty good, I was in and out of puddles all day."
The bartender turns to the second duck and asks "What's your name?"
"I'm Dewey!"
"Oh, and how was your day?"
"Pretty good, I was in and out of puddles all day!"
The bartender turns to the third duck and says "You must be Louie!" To which the third duck says "No, I'm Puddles, and dont ask me about my fucking day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ms0mc/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_carrying_three_ducks/
%
I only believe in 12.5% of the bible...

Which makes me an eighth theist...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mrzv8/i_only_believe_in_125_of_the_bible/
%
What do you call an embarrassed toilet?

"Flush-turd"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mrxji/what_do_you_call_an_embarrassed_toilet/
%
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mrw8z/after_god_created_24_hours_of_alternating/
%
instead of trying to change your entire life in 2018, why don't you start small?

like using your fucking turn signal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mrud3/instead_of_trying_to_change_your_entire_life_in/
%
I am a sex object.

I always ask women for sex, and they object

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mrqnh/i_am_a_sex_object/
%
Boy and a farmer.

One day, as a farmer sat on his porch, a young boy walked down the dirt road carrying a 2 gallon pale. The boy approached the farmer and said, I passed your field the other day and saw some milk weed out there, do you mind if I fill my pale? The farmer chuckled and agreed. After a while, the boy came back by the house carrying a pale full of milk and thanked the farmer. The farmer went to bed baffled, the next day the boy returned with an empty pale. He explained that while getting milk he noticed some honeysuckle growing on the fence, the farmer said go for it as he thought it will take weeks to fill that pale with honey. An hour later the boy came by with a pale full of honey, thanked the farmer and left. The farmer couldn't believe what was happening and just couldn't figure out how the boy did it. A week later the same boy came down the road but with no pale, the farmer sees him and wonders what could he possibly be after this time. The boy comes to the porch and says, sir while I was getting honey, I noticed you had a pussy willow tree, the farmer stopped the boy there and said, hold on I'll get my boots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mrnhv/boy_and_a_farmer/
%
Johnny and the Teacher

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mrnfy/johnny_and_the_teacher/
%
What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mrlud/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
%
I've been fucking my best friend's wife's brains out once a month, and today he caught me in the act.

I'm not sure what he was more mad about. The fact that I'm porking his wife or the grave robbing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mriqq/ive_been_fucking_my_best_friends_wifes_brains_out/
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Four nuns

There is a bus crash and four nuns are standing at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter comes out and says
“You have all lived very pious lives and are welcome into heaven! All you have to do is wash away your sins with this holy water.”
The first nun walks up and says “I once looked at a man’s penis.” So she washes out her eyes with the holy water and walks through the gates.
The second nun walks up and says “I once touched a man’s penis.” So she washes her hands in the holy water and walks through the gates.
All of a sudden the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun. Saint Peter looks at her and says “There is plenty of holy water. There is no need to cut in line.”
The nun that cut replied “Yeah but if I’m going to have to gargle this water I want to do it before Beth sticks her ass in it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mrhvl/four_nuns/
%
What is the most important part of comedy? The Timing.

... Oops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mrfid/what_is_the_most_important_part_of_comedy_the/
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I want to marry your daughter

A man approaches a farmer to ask to marry his daughter whom he has been dating. "Whoever marries my daughter must have a 10 inch penis" the farmer says. They measure it and it's 7 inches. The father likes the young man and says "Go out to the barn. There is a cow there. Ride her for an hour and that should stretch it."
An hour later the man returns and they measure again. It is 8 inches. "Go back to the barn again" the farmer says. An hour later they measure again and it is 9 inches. "Another hour" says the farmer and the man heads back to the barn.
An hour later he returns and they measure again. It is 10 inches. The farmer says to the man "You've made it. My daughter is yours." The man replies "Forget about your daughter. How much do you want for the cow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mrct1/i_want_to_marry_your_daughter/
%
I have worked in a restaurant and within the tech industry...

The biggest difference is the meaning of the phrase "My server just went down on me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mr93e/i_have_worked_in_a_restaurant_and_within_the_tech/
%
They call me the Mary Poppins of artillery...

I deliver...
Super-calibre-ballistic-expedient-explosions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mr7ak/they_call_me_the_mary_poppins_of_artillery/
%
This morning, I tried to catch the fog

I mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mr6qv/this_morning_i_tried_to_catch_the_fog/
%
I took my kids to the shooting range today.

But they said I had to use the paper targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mr4hp/i_took_my_kids_to_the_shooting_range_today/
%
Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mr3k0/slutty_girls_are_like_walmarts/
%
A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.

The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mr0r6/a_new_monk_shows_up_at_a_monastery_where_the/
%
A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital

When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"
"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mqz9p/a_priest_has_a_heart_attack_and_is_rushed_to/
%
How fast does light travel?

I don't know. But it gets here too early in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mqsqb/how_fast_does_light_travel/
%
You know it's cold in Minnesota when....

Everyone goes to ice arena to warm up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mqpyt/you_know_its_cold_in_minnesota_when/
%
A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar.

Then they open for the day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mqda6/a_janitor_a_waitress_and_a_bartender_walk_into_a/
%
A man was awarded a medal for his humility...

Unfortunately, he got it taken away for wearing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mqa74/a_man_was_awarded_a_medal_for_his_humility/
%
What do you get when you put 8 black men and a Gun together ?

The 100m Olympic Finals, ofcourse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mq9h5/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_8_black_men_and_a/
%
Can you think of anything good about Switzerland?

Well the flag's a plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mq6hb/can_you_think_of_anything_good_about_switzerland/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One turns and says to the other “Wow, I cant believe you blew 30 bucks back there.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mq4o5/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
Apparently the average person has sex 83 times a year

This is going to be a fucking brilliant week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mq3ud/apparently_the_average_person_has_sex_83_times_a/
%
What animal can be found in the unemployment line?

The poorqueuepine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mq2md/what_animal_can_be_found_in_the_unemployment_line/
%
A tough looking group of hairy bikers...

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mq0fz/a_tough_looking_group_of_hairy_bikers/
%
Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mpzwh/jesus_christ_fed_2000_people_with_5_loaves_of/
%
A Muslim enters a building

Along with 500 passengers and an airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mpu0v/a_muslim_enters_a_building/
%
With how old the United States' politicians are these days...

... it makes sense that we as a country are suffering from electile disfunction.
___
Edit for autocorrect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mpmr3/with_how_old_the_united_states_politicians_are/
%
Why were Star Wars Episodes IV, V, and VI released before Episodes I, II, and III?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mpkhl/why_were_star_wars_episodes_iv_v_and_vi_released/
%
What’s the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne doesn’t come off your face until you’re 13

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mpi5j/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mphl7/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful.

She needs a team of surgeons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mpgrc/my_wife_doesnt_need_makeup_to_look_beautiful/
%
Our teacher was supposed to read us Shakespeare today, but she wasn't there. So instead, the

subreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mpffp/our_teacher_was_supposed_to_read_us_shakespeare/
%
A TV broadcaster interviews an African tribal leader

The iterviewer asks the leader "tell us about the best situation you ever encountered" the tribe leader says "oh yes, my buffalo got lost. We searched her for days. Finally we found Her and all of us screwed her" the interviewer says "oh OK. What about another situation you could tell us, but please mind the language" he says "OK. my goat got lost. We searched her for days. Finally we found Her and all of us screwed her" the broadcaster says "Please change this topic." the leader says "OK. my neighbor got lost. We searched her for days. Finally we found Her and all of us screwed her" the interviewer says "OK that's it. Tell us the worst situation you ever encountered" the leader said "that was when I got lost.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mpeoc/a_tv_broadcaster_interviews_an_african_tribal/
%
3 europeans come to America

They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mpbxx/3_europeans_come_to_america/
%
Tonight I decided I'd have a proper Irish seven-course meal...

So I had a six-pack of Guinness and a potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mp9gc/tonight_i_decided_id_have_a_proper_irish/
%
What do you call it when a cow gets an abortion?

De-calf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mp6fm/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_cow_gets_an_abortion/
%
First time having sex was like my first time riding a bike.

My dad was holding me from behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mp4h1/first_time_having_sex_was_like_my_first_time/
%
caution: high altitudes under certain conditions can cause a bloody nose

Like on Mt. Shasta I heard a guy saying, "I just wanted to show people that it's possible to do things like hiking and Crossfit on a vegan diet, and besides I needed something to do after I retired at 30 on my Bitcoin investments" so I punched him in the nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mp25s/caution_high_altitudes_under_certain_conditions/
%
I played squash against my son.

A wall might have been better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7motyy/i_played_squash_against_my_son/
%
George Washington's portrait.

The American ambassador to England is attending a party thrown by an English noble. Feeling the call of nature, he asks the noble where the bathroom is; the noble snickers suspiciously and directs him down the hall. Upon entering the bathroom the ambassador sees a portrait of George Washington opposite the toilet; obviously intended as an insult to the first US president. Upon emerging from the bathroom, a large group of English nobles are standing around snickering.
The host asks the ambassador "so, what do you think of our placement of *The Great George Washington*'s portrait?"
"Oh, I think it's very appropriate," the ambassador replies casually. "Nothing makes the English piss/shit faster than the sight of George Washington."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7moth2/george_washingtons_portrait/
%
How do you get a fat girl into bed with you?

It's a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7moshs/how_do_you_get_a_fat_girl_into_bed_with_you/
%
Two scientists walk into a bar, one says "I'll have some H2O"

The other says "I'll have some water too please"
He then turns to his friend and asks him "Why would you order water like that?"
The first scientist says nothing, but seethed that the assassination attempt failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mosg3/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar_one_says_ill_have/
%
Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

When he reaches the front desk, the secretary behind the desk gives him an apologetic smile and tells him, "sorry, but blacks are not allowed at the club. There is however another club ten minutes down the road."
Furious, he replies, "do you know who I am? I'm Usain fucking Bolt!"
"Oh my," she says. "I'm sorry. In that case, it's five minutes down the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mos64/usain_bolt_goes_to_join_a_golf_club/
%
Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Election

It's almost as if he doesn't understand that no means no!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7moqxs/roy_moore_refuses_to_concede_the_alabama_election/
%
Why did the nose cross the street?

No body nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7moprd/why_did_the_nose_cross_the_street/
%
I ran into a complete stranger at my mom's annual New Years party.

I had never seen him before, so I asked him how he knew my mom. He said he had met her earlier in the day. Apparently, my mom was worried that the overall environment of the party wouldn't be as cool as she had hoped for, so she hired a professional to gauge the room.
I was absolutely disgusted.
I had found my mom's vibe rater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7moo2i/i_ran_into_a_complete_stranger_at_my_moms_annual/
%
"Why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your mother loves Easter, it's an anagram."
"Oh, ok. Thanks Dad."
"No problem Alan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7monw6/why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
%
Mother and patrick funny jokes

Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"
Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick: "What school?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7monl0/mother_and_patrick_funny_jokes/
%
So one day, Hillary Clinton was going to an elementary school to talk aboit her job.

She gives a speech and then asks for questions. Little Timmy raised his hand and Hillary called on him.
"I have three questions. 1) What was Ben Ghazi? 2) What was the Uranium One deal? 3) What happened back in Arkansas?"
Hillary was just about to answer his question when the recess bell rang and all of the kids went outside. When they all came back in, Hillary continued with questions. Now, she pointed to little Johnny.
"Okay, I have five questions. 1) What was Ben Ghazi? 2) What was the Uranium One deal? 3) What happened back in Arkansas? 4) Why did the recess bell ring twenty minutes early? 5) Where is Little Timmy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7moml2/so_one_day_hillary_clinton_was_going_to_an/
%
I've heard that people in the South think everything is better in sandwich form.

Those inbreds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mojd7/ive_heard_that_people_in_the_south_think/
%
My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening were you?"

I thought... "that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7moj52/my_wife_just_stopped_and_said_you_werent_even/
%
Why was the computer nerd sad that there weren't any barbecues with wifi?

Because there aren't any grills on the internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7moi9x/why_was_the_computer_nerd_sad_that_there_werent/
%
What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy while she’s on her period?

...You get your palm red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7moho2/whats_the_best_thing_about_fingering_a_gypsy/
%
Saw a bird eating a piece of avocado toast.

Guess it was some kind of millennial falcon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7moh9s/saw_a_bird_eating_a_piece_of_avocado_toast/
%
No boyfriend = No problem

No girlfriend = No expenses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mo6nh/no_boyfriend_no_problem/
%
Did I tell you about the time Bilbo Baggins woke up to "Don't Stop Believing" on the radio?

It was an unexpected Journey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mo43j/did_i_tell_you_about_the_time_bilbo_baggins_woke/
%
The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,
Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.
See them gathered together, by calling divine
to fashion a vulva of peerless design.
The first man, a butcher of eminent skill
took a hold of his blade and set to with a will.
He poked it and pinked it and pricked it a bit
and with swift upward stroke near in twain it was split.
The next man to the fore was a carpenter deft.
With his chisel and gouge he applied to the cleft.
Carving in to the center he whittled a void,
and to shape it a rasp and a ream he employed.
Now on to the third man a tailor by trade,
who produced a sleek sheathing of silk he had made.
Which he tacked into place by the use of a pin,
and with dexterous stitches affixed it therein.
The fourth was a hunter, a stalker of game.
With a bundle of furs to his errand he came.
Contemplating what coiffure best tops such a box,
he selected, bedizened and swathed it in fox.
Fifth man and fisherman. Catcher of cod.
With pelagic produce of tackle and rod,
he created an attar redolent with spices
and misted the whole with parfume; Eau de Pisces.
A plumber, the sixth in the line, brought his hoses
and parting red seas like proverbial Moses,
he laid in a drain 'neath that Latinate mountain
to an aureate sprinkler, a tinkling fountain.
And at last we've arrived, it's the ultimate man.
An assessor of quality, test tool in hand.
His probe is determined, the breach bares the brunt...
It's the acme achieved! A SPECTACULAR CUNT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mo0nh/the_creation_of_a_pussy_improved_version/
%
Why should you always hunt deer with a high powered rifle?

To get the most bang for your buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mnz6a/why_should_you_always_hunt_deer_with_a_high/
%
That awkward moment when

the woman you’re dancing behind bends over so you can grind it. But it turns out she just dropped an earring, and no one else in Mcdonalds can hear the music on your iPod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mnz6c/that_awkward_moment_when/
%
Why is it called Virgin Airlines?

Because their planes are eighteen years old and never been serviced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mnq74/why_is_it_called_virgin_airlines/
%
I tried to rob a sperm bank

But had to make a break for it because I heard the cops coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mnmjk/i_tried_to_rob_a_sperm_bank/
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What does a Vegan zombie eat?

Graaaaaaaaaaaaiiiins!
And they love to tell you about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mnhks/what_does_a_vegan_zombie_eat/
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Penguin driving home has car trouble...

A penguin driving home when his car begins to overheat. He parks at a garage and the mechanic says it will be a little bit before he can look at it.
The penguin decides to go across the street and get ice cream. The penguin slops ice cream all over himself from head to toe and returns to the mechanic. The mechanic comes out and says well it looks like you've blown a seal.
The penguin says no it's ice cream, honest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mnh50/penguin_driving_home_has_car_trouble/
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Two brooms are in the kitchen

The lady broom is crying and upset, she tells her boyfriend, "honey, I'm pregnant!"  Her boyfriend replies, "how is that possible? We didn't even sweep together!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mngnn/two_brooms_are_in_the_kitchen/
%
A man walks into a pub

The barman asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. So I have decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The barman looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you commit suicide at all let alone in my pub!"
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The barman leans in and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the pub.
A couple hours goes by and the barman is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the pub with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The barman asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mnfzv/a_man_walks_into_a_pub/
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Someone at school stole my thesaurus.

I just can't describe how angry I am.
(Edit: credit to emul4tion for suggesting a tighter version of my original)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mndya/someone_at_school_stole_my_thesaurus/
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It's a well-known fact that Hitler

often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.
One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful for your advice. I'm wondering something though, how come you never told me something that would be important to me  like when will I die?"
The astrologer said "Mein Fuhrer, you never asked."
Hitler says "I'm asking you now, do you know the day I'm going to die?"
The astrologer says "as a matter of fact I do know the day. You're going to die on a Jewish holiday."
Hitler is shocked, "that's a horrible thing - a Jewish holiday! What Jewish holiday am I going to die on?"
The man says. "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mnbd9/its_a_wellknown_fact_that_hitler/
%
Why don't black people go on cruises?

They already fell for that trick once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mnacp/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
%
In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mn4qk/in_pokemon_i_never_understood_why_bug_types_were/
%
What language is most commonly used by programmers?

Vulgar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mn2wf/what_language_is_most_commonly_used_by_programmers/
%
Following US politics is like watching a mad biologist at work.

You can see an orange going bananas right before your eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mn0o5/following_us_politics_is_like_watching_a_mad/
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What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals blowing each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mmvjl/what_is_the_definition_of_trust/
%
Multi-level Meta Joke

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a good joke." So the guy says "What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mmsri/multilevel_meta_joke/
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A man is sunbathing on a nude beach

To prevent a sunburn, he covers his most important organ with a hat.
A woman passes by and notices the hat.
She says, "Sir, a real gentleman always lifts  his hat in front of a lady."
The man replies, "Ma'am if you were a real lady, the hat would've lifted itself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mmpu1/a_man_is_sunbathing_on_a_nude_beach/
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The power of prayer

A ship is sinking, the captain turns to the people on the boat and asks, "does anyone here know how to pray?"
The priest on boards says he can pray.
Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mmp78/the_power_of_prayer/
%
Why are black people so tall?

Because their knee-grows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mmo5y/why_are_black_people_so_tall/
%
There was a fire at the plant where they make Nike Jordans.

Over a thousand soles were lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mmn3r/there_was_a_fire_at_the_plant_where_they_make/
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What's the best part of the library to hang out if you want to get laid?

Adult friction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mmmef/whats_the_best_part_of_the_library_to_hang_out_if/
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What's the world's largest pan?

Japan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mmm03/whats_the_worlds_largest_pan/
%
Blonde: [pointing gun in air] "EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS A ROBBERY"

Kid: "hey, this is a library"
Blonde: "oh" [screwing on a silencer] "ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵇᵒᵈʸ ᶫᶦˢᵗᵉᶰ ᵘᵖ ᵗʰᶦˢ ᶦˢ ᵃ ʳᵒᵇᵇᵉʳʸ"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mmlse/blonde_pointing_gun_in_air_everybody_listen_up/
%
Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, but it's headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm going to leave Dad at home next time".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mmge6/jesus_moses_and_an_old_man_go_golfing/
%
Why did the prostitute get angry after having sex in an apple orchard?

Because her client came in cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mmfg6/why_did_the_prostitute_get_angry_after_having_sex/
%
Saw a bird eating a piece of avocado toast.

Guess it was some kind of millennial falcon.
@sarahemclaugh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mmejh/saw_a_bird_eating_a_piece_of_avocado_toast/
%
What's black and stuck to the ceiling

A not so good electrician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mm607/whats_black_and_stuck_to_the_ceiling/
%
Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know, I can't see."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mm4jw/two_blondes_fell_down_a_hole/
%
A panda walks into a steakhouse...

*A panda walks into a steakhouse.*
Panda: Can I get some bamboo?
Server: Sorry, we only have steak here.
Panda: I'll have some steak then.
*The panda eats the steak.*
Server: So how was the food?
Panda: It was one of the most delicious meals I've ever had!
Server: Glad you enjoyed, here's your bill.
*The panda takes out a gun and shoots the server. The server is in agony.*
Server: Why?? I thought you said the food was good?
Panda: Don't you know who I am? Look me up in the dictionary.
*The server, with the last of his strength, pulls out the dictionary.*
Server: "*A panda eats chutes and leaves...*"
*The server, in his final moments, watches panda leaves the steakhouse, realizing he got played.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mlx84/a_panda_walks_into_a_steakhouse/
%
The nun and the bus driver

So one day a man gets on a bus and runs into the most beautiful nun he’s ever met. He asked the nun to come back to his house, the nun replies with no and gets off the bus. The man goes up to the bus driver and asks him “how can I get with the nun?” The bus driver replies, “every day at 8pm the nun does to pray at the graveyard, maybe if you dress up as Jesus you can persuade her.” The man thinks it’s a good idea and at 8pm that night he goes to the grave in his best Jesus costume and goes up to the nun and says, “I’m you lord and saviour Jesus Christ, to prove your loyalty to me you need to have sex with me”, the nun reply’s, “ok, but I only do anal”, the man agrees and after the sex he rips off his Jesus costume and says “HA I’m the guy from the bus!” Then the nun rips off the costume and says “HA I’m the bus driver”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mlvuf/the_nun_and_the_bus_driver/
%
What's a pirate's favorite letter?

You would think it's R but his heart belongs to the C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mlvl9/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
Why couldn’t Bobby start his car?

He wasn’t wearing his cargo pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mlucj/why_couldnt_bobby_start_his_car/
%
The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
Using a knife,he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
By using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
He threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
He touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last came a sailor, a dirty little runt,
He sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.
Then came a Redditor, awed at the sight,
He couldn't get one so he bought a fleshlight
Then came the reposter, inspired by the votes,
He’ll repost this next week afterall this is r/jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mlrq3/the_creation_of_a_pussy/
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Two men from Texas are having a conversation...

The first man asks the second man "Imagine being in the same room with all of the people you've slept with." The second man responds with "I don't have to imagine, I do that every thanksgiving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mlped/two_men_from_texas_are_having_a_conversation/
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There was a family of balloons...

Daddy Balloon, Mummy Balloon, and Baby Balloon.
One night, Baby Balloon crept into his parents' bedroom. He carefully undid Daddy's knot and deflated him a little.
Then he did the same to Mummy. Then he undid his own knot and let some air out.
The next morning Daddy Balloon confronted him.
"Baby Balloon, we are very disappointed in you. You let me down. You let your mother down. But worst of all...
You let yourself down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mlniz/there_was_a_family_of_balloons/
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What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mlmf0/what_did_kermit_the_frog_say_when_jim_henson_died/
%
3 Men and a Woman are stranded on an Island

Like everyone, they try to establish contact to other people at first and they build a shelter.
After about 3 Weeks the Men approach the Woman with a proposal to let one of the 3 have sex with her every other day so that everyones Sex drive could be  fulfilled.
The Woman agrees and they have a great year together. However, shortly after the 14th Month of being stranded, the woman dies.
The first week is tough for the men, but they try to boost eachothers morale.
The second week is almost unbearable.
The third week makes them feel so bad they want to die.
In the fourth week they finally decide that they should bury her corpse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mlknj/3_men_and_a_woman_are_stranded_on_an_island/
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I'm sending you a t-shirt inspired by this subreddit.

jokes on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mlikb/im_sending_you_a_tshirt_inspired_by_this_subreddit/
%
A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger." The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a urine test."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mlgbo/a_little_girl_and_boy_are_in_a_doctors_waiting/
%
I met a girl who wanted to be treated like a princess.

So I married her off to a French nobleman to secure political power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mldgw/i_met_a_girl_who_wanted_to_be_treated_like_a/
%
An old man gets on a crowded bus. A police officer offers him his seat. The old man declines.

Last I heard he was in jail for resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mlao4/an_old_man_gets_on_a_crowded_bus_a_police_officer/
%
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants

But he’s still making fun of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ml73l/i_tried_to_explain_to_my_4_year_old_son_its/
%
I wanted to make a new color

So I combined red and yellow
But the result wasn't very
Oranginal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ml675/i_wanted_to_make_a_new_color/
%
A month ago my friend came to me and asked if he could borrow $2000

He told me he wanted to start a chicken farm, and needed the cash to buy some chickens to get it started. He said he would pay me back in no time, so I agreed and gave him the money.
2 weeks later he showed up again, asking for another $2000. He told me the first batch of chickens had all mysteriously died and needed to start again. I was reluctant to lend him more money but he was desperate so I agreed and gave him the money.
Today he came by my house and told me that the second batch of chickens had also died.
I asked him "What's going on, why do all your chickens keep dying?"
He said "I'm not sure, I think I planted them too close together"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ml2l3/a_month_ago_my_friend_came_to_me_and_asked_if_he/
%
Bricks on a plane.

There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
499
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a fridge?
Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.
The Lion King is having a birthday party, and all the animals come except one, which one and why?
The giraffe, it’s stuck in a fridge.
Sally has to cross an alligator infested river, and the only way to cross is to swim. She makes it to the other side safely. How?
All the Alligators are the birthday party.
Sally dies anyways. How?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ml2ip/bricks_on_a_plane/
%
I asked a girl in a bar if she wanted to go home with me.

She said, “Do you have cable?”
I said, “I think the ropes will be strong enough.”
(I wish I could remember the name of the comedian who said this, live in a bar, circa 1993.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mkwnd/i_asked_a_girl_in_a_bar_if_she_wanted_to_go_home/
%
A blonde walks into a library..

and says: 'i'll have the cheese burger and a coke.'
the librarian is confused and says: 'you know you're in a library, right?'
the blonde goes: 'oh sorry' and whispers 'i'll have the cheese burger and a coke.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mktb1/a_blonde_walks_into_a_library/
%
She was amazing, she always took my load so well

I can't believe that dishwasher broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mkrr1/she_was_amazing_she_always_took_my_load_so_well/
%
Which president is the best at limbo?

Trump, for how many times he can lower the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mkoxd/which_president_is_the_best_at_limbo/
%
My ex was the best. She’d give me amazing blowjobs everyday and she was always willing to clean the house for me.

I miss that vacuum cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mkn32/my_ex_was_the_best_shed_give_me_amazing_blowjobs/
%
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."
Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never." said Bob.
"Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
"BOB, wake up!! You've shit the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mkge4/bob_came_home_drunk_one_night_slid_into_bed/
%
A patient goes to the doctors office with a peculiar problem

“Doctor, I can’t ssshhheem to sssshhhhpeak normally. It’sssshhh been a sssshhhhtruggle all my life. Pleassshhh tell me whatsshhh wrong!”
“Alright, I think I have an idea, but I’ll have to do a physical exam” said the doctor
The patient stripped down and got on the exam table and the doctor poked around for a bit.
“I think I have an idea what’s wrong, instead of having two balls down there, you’ve got four. Fortunately this is an easy fix, I’ll schedule you for surgery this week if you are interested”.
The patient agreed to the operation without a second thought.
One week after the operation the patient went in to see the doctor for a follow-up.
“Doctor, my speech is perfect now. It’s as if I’ve spoken correctly my whole life!... but I’ve got a new concern, however. My sex life used to be out of this world. My wife and I were always satisfied and I could go for seconds and thirds every night! Now it’s maybe once a day. Doc, can you please reverse the surgery?” The man pleaded.
“I’m afraid it’sshh too late to reversshh the sshhurgery” said the doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mkf5l/a_patient_goes_to_the_doctors_office_with_a/
%
Shoutout to my grandpa

That’s the only way he can hear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mkckf/shoutout_to_my_grandpa/
%
What is the difference between a woman with her period and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mkcih/what_is_the_difference_between_a_woman_with_her/
%
Where do poor Italians live?

In the spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mkbkb/where_do_poor_italians_live/
%
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.

It was very carefully orca-strated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mk5fg/the_killer_whale_planned_its_attack_on_the_seals/
%
I went to Thailand and came so close to sleeping with a lady boy.

She looked like a girl talked like a girl even walked like a girl.
It wasn't until she reversed the car perfectly into the car space I thought "hang on a second".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mk2dt/i_went_to_thailand_and_came_so_close_to_sleeping/
%
My driver's side window won't go down.

So I guess I'm on a diet now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mk1ug/my_drivers_side_window_wont_go_down/
%
Drunk people run stop signs...

... people who are high, stop and wait for them to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mk1ne/drunk_people_run_stop_signs/
%
Why did Karl Marx hate Earl Grey?

Proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjzov/why_did_karl_marx_hate_earl_grey/
%
When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears...

You can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjzl1/when_i_was_young_i_used_to_think_earwigs_actually/
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A Virgin On His Wedding Night [NSFW]

A man had never had sex before.  On his wedding night he entered the bedroom to find his wife completely naked.  His wife asked, "Do you know what I want?", to which he replied "No."
The wife lay on bed then asked, "Now, Do you know what I want?", once again he said "No."
The wife now spread out on the bed and opened her legs wide, and asked her husband, "NOW, Do you know what I want?".
Finally man said, "YES!"
"You want to have the whole bed to yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjzhm/a_virgin_on_his_wedding_night_nsfw/
%
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100...

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Chuck  replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can.  Watch me.  I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone  complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won.  So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck now works for Wall Street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjy2p/young_chuck_moved_to_texas_and_bought_a_donkey/
%
Why did jesus stop playing hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjxen/why_did_jesus_stop_playing_hockey/
%
A guitar player was panicking because he couldn't play his open strings

His instructor told him don't fret

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjw78/a_guitar_player_was_panicking_because_he_couldnt/
%
What is the difference between your salary and your penis?

I can find loads of women to blow your salary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjune/what_is_the_difference_between_your_salary_and/
%
I rear-ended a car today

The driver got out of the car and he ended up being a dwarf! When he got out I asked him if he was okay and he said “I’m not happy”
I then asked him “which one are you then?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjtb9/i_rearended_a_car_today/
%
Two kids are bragging about how fast their dads are.

One kid says, “My dad is so fast he can throw a football up and run underneath it and catch it!”
The other kid, who’s dad is a state worker says, “My dad is so fast he gets off work at 5, and is home at 4:30!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjraz/two_kids_are_bragging_about_how_fast_their_dads/
%
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjra3/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
%
Wife asks: have you seen my broom?

Husband replies: why? Are you going somewhere?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjpyc/wife_asks_have_you_seen_my_broom/
%
I got my kid a puppy for Christmas but it died.

Now all I have is this puppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjpuk/i_got_my_kid_a_puppy_for_christmas_but_it_died/
%
A guy walks into a bar in Redneck county and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from England."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in England?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjpl9/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_in_redneck_county_and/
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My dentist said that my gag reflex was much more sensitive than my wife's.

I didn't think anything of it at the time. Later, I realized it was super weird, because we go to different dentists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjkm2/my_dentist_said_that_my_gag_reflex_was_much_more/
%
Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year resolutions were.

She said «Fuck you». So im pretty excited for 2018

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjkc6/today_i_asked_the_hot_girl_at_my_gym_what_her_new/
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3 nicotine addicts are out fishing in a boat. They have 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cig overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjjng/3_nicotine_addicts_are_out_fishing_in_a_boat_they/
%
What did the constipated mathematician do?

He worked it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjinq/what_did_the_constipated_mathematician_do/
%
I bought a book on Capitalism but returned it.

Most of the letters were lower case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjhlx/i_bought_a_book_on_capitalism_but_returned_it/
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What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

Haaaand eyeeeeeeeeeee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjfwj/what_is_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
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Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?

Because it was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mjemr/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_stand_up_by_itself/
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What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?

A little kid shouldn't run with scissors and a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mj79b/whats_the_difference_between_a_little_kid_and_a/
%
I was breastfed until 3

But enough about my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mixsx/i_was_breastfed_until_3/
%
I don't get why engineering students call themselves engineers when they aren't yet

I mean people in med schooling don't call themselves doctors,
law students don't call themselves lawyers,
and art students don't call themselves broke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mixlk/i_dont_get_why_engineering_students_call/
%
English is a tough language

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7miu9q/english_is_a_tough_language/
%
“Balls, balls” said the Queen...

“If I had two, I’d be King”
-my grandmothers joke (she passed away a few months ago, I really miss her)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7miu2m/balls_balls_said_the_queen/
%
I looked at the bottom of a tuna tin and it said: "Best Before Date"

I thought, "No, it isn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7miply/i_looked_at_the_bottom_of_a_tuna_tin_and_it_said/
%
I just read an article titled, "100 Things To Do Before You Die"

I was quite surprised that, "Yell for help!" wasn't one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mimho/i_just_read_an_article_titled_100_things_to_do/
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What do Big Foot and the end of a porno have in common?

No one's ever seen them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mima0/what_do_big_foot_and_the_end_of_a_porno_have_in/
%
I really love cute night predators

They're adorabowl !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mij9d/i_really_love_cute_night_predators/
%
There once was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection...

After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says: "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7midk2/there_once_was_a_guy_who_had_been_having_chronic/
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A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies.

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."
The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied "you might want to get it cleaned because they are all black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7micij/a_redneck_went_to_the_hospital_as_his_wife_was/
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Climb the ladder to success!

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No way!, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she fluttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, 10/10 model.
"Fuck me or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello," said the ugly fat man said, "my name is Cess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7miar2/climb_the_ladder_to_success/
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I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl...

14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mi8i6/i_can_count_on_one_hand_the_amount_of_times_ive/
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My friends say I'm condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mi4hn/my_friends_say_im_condescending/
%
What's the difference between Racism and the Chinese?

Racism has many faces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhyr3/whats_the_difference_between_racism_and_the/
%
Did you hear the jokes about the corduroy pillows?

They were making headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhya7/did_you_hear_the_jokes_about_the_corduroy_pillows/
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A man comes into the doctor’s office.

Doctor: you’ll have to clean that up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhy9e/a_man_comes_into_the_doctors_office/
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Shoutout to my grandpa

because that's the only way he can hear you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhy17/shoutout_to_my_grandpa/
%
I believe everyone deserves to be treated equally.

It shouldn’t matter if you’re brown, black, yellow, or normal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhwo2/i_believe_everyone_deserves_to_be_treated_equally/
%
My 5 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhvdm/my_5_year_old_son_just_got_me_with_a_dad_joke_i/
%
Why does Donald Trump prefer Russian forests over US National Parks?

Trees son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhvcn/why_does_donald_trump_prefer_russian_forests_over/
%
Communism jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhrpa/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

.. and a table. And some chairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhpav/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhp1v/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
If someone hands you 100 grand, what do you say?

I don't take candy from strangers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhmq9/if_someone_hands_you_100_grand_what_do_you_say/
%
My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients.

It's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhm9w/my_uncle_just_got_struck_off_the_medical_register/
%
What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?

A GUMMY BEAR!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhjqk/what_do_you_call_a_grizzly_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."
"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.
"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhgxj/so_i_was_sitting_on_the_bus_just_reading_a_book/
%
A guy from Oklahoma and a guy from Texas are in the restroom of a road house having a piss.

The guy from Oklahoma finishes up first, zips up, and makes for the door. The Texan says over his shoulder "In Texas they teach us to wash up after going to the toilet." The Okie replies "That's funny, in Oklahoma they teach us not to piss all over our hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhg10/a_guy_from_oklahoma_and_a_guy_from_texas_are_in/
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Do you know why is Santa Clause is jolly all the time?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls are.
Which is a good thing because he only comes once a year.
*Heard this from an old white guy in the sauna today lol.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhdq2/do_you_know_why_is_santa_clause_is_jolly_all_the/
%
I used to steal jokes from Mitch Hedberg

I still do, but I also used to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhdj2/i_used_to_steal_jokes_from_mitch_hedberg/
%
The other day, I asked my friend who stays in North Korea how it was there

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mhceb/the_other_day_i_asked_my_friend_who_stays_in/
%
Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers.

"We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them.
The priests look at each other before they speak. "We'll do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mh95p/two_priests_are_driving_down_the_road_when_they/
%
Leaving a tip

A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves".
The old man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really?
Tell me, what does my tip say"?
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man".
Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough".
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor".
Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too".
"And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mh73k/leaving_a_tip/
%
Forgive me father for i have sinned, said the the attractive girl to the priest

Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's still no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mh4w2/forgive_me_father_for_i_have_sinned_said_the_the/
%
Bashar Assad died. He went to heaven.

But St. Peter did not find him on the lists and did not let him into the gate. The sad Assad descended into Hell. There he met the Devil, who was very glad.
"It's so great that you came. We have a real mess here. I really need a good administrator. You will bring order to hell.
Bashar al-Assad was delighted. But suddenly he realized that he had forgotten his suitcase in heaven.
"I need to pick up my things in heaven, and I'll come right back."
"No no no. You are too important person now. We will send some demons to bring your stuff."
Demons ran to the main entrance to heaven, and, of course, they were not allowed. Then they ran along the high fence, and began to climb over.
This is what God and Saint Peter look at. And Saint Peter said:
"I warned you. He's only half of an hour there, and we have refugees already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mh4ah/bashar_assad_died_he_went_to_heaven/
%
My wife said wanted something shiny that went from 0-150 in under 2 seconds

I gave her a scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mh1cx/my_wife_said_wanted_something_shiny_that_went/
%
Nowadays almost all games have lots of transgender midgets having sex.

Micro Trans-actions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mgzvo/nowadays_almost_all_games_have_lots_of/
%
My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mgyt9/my_friend_told_me_about_his_idea_for_odorless/
%
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from another man

it feels good, until you look down and realize how gay it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mgtkq/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blowjob_from/
%
New Years Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mgt03/new_years_eve/
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What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mgrp3/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_guys_sitting_on/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mgp4y/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Did you hear about why the train conductor committed murder?

It was a loco motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mgo6f/did_you_hear_about_why_the_train_conductor/
%
What's the difference between light and hard?

You can still go to sleep with a light on!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mgnrw/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them.

So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mgh5o/3_men_are_stranded_in_a_boat_with_4_cigarettes/
%
The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
Using a knife,he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
By using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
He threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
He touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last came a sailor, a dirty little runt,
He sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mgew4/the_creation_of_a_pussy/
%
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888...

...so when someone asks for it you say “12345678”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mg8cv/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
%
Why did the condom cross the road?

Because it was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mg672/why_did_the_condom_cross_the_road/
%
A pair of chickens walks...

A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, “Buk Buk BUK.”
The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!” The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, “Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!”
The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, and with the frog repeatedly saying “Reddit, Reddit, Reddit”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mg4uh/a_pair_of_chickens_walks/
%
Chuck Norris posted on /r/jokes.

It was original content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mg0cd/chuck_norris_posted_on_rjokes/
%
There's two goldfish in a tank

One says 'How the fuck do we drive this?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mfybg/theres_two_goldfish_in_a_tank/
%
A little boy asked his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

"That's not appropriate dinner table conversation, son," said his dad.  "We can talk about that later."
After dinner the man said, "Now, son, what were you trying to ask me before?"
"Oh, nothing," said the boy.  "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mfy33/a_little_boy_asked_his_father_dad_are_bugs_good/
%
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mfw36/what_does_a_robot_do_at_the_end_of_a_one_night/
%
A black guy and a white girl are at a party

. After a while, they go together to a room, and she asks excitedly: "Show me if what they say about black men is true". He grabs her purse and runs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mfvcs/a_black_guy_and_a_white_girl_are_at_a_party/
%
What does the pretentious snob with amnesia say?

Do you know who I am?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mflf8/what_does_the_pretentious_snob_with_amnesia_say/
%
"Son, you were adopted"

"What!? I Knew it! I want to see my biological parents!
“We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will arrive in 20 minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mfldp/son_you_were_adopted/
%
You heard about the movie 'Constipation'?

It hasn't come out yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mfk0r/you_heard_about_the_movie_constipation/
%
A man walks into a bar with his horse

He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my dick was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mfiau/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_horse/
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Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day

Give a man a poisoned fish, and he will eat for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mfh29/give_a_man_a_fish_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
%
Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had four they would be sedans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mfgle/why_do_chicken_coops_have_two_doors/
%
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mffy4/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all_in_the/
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A man visits his 70th class reunion

He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mfd5w/a_man_visits_his_70th_class_reunion/
%
I spent months inventing a wingless plane

sadly the idea never took off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mfcrd/i_spent_months_inventing_a_wingless_plane/
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When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mfb1w/when_checking_out_at_walmart_i_always_pick_the/
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A total Dad joke I heard this holiday.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
Sorry Reddit :-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mfaee/a_total_dad_joke_i_heard_this_holiday/
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There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.
One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice patches. Finally, after an hour, he decides to go home.
He lies down next to his wife, who is asleep and says: "The weather is terrible outside."
Half awake the wife replies: "And to think that my idiot husband is outside riding his bicycle."
(my 80 y old grandpa's joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mf9qg/there_is_a_guy_who_wakes_up_at_5_am_and_rides_a/
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Who do you call when your pizza is sick?

Dr Oetker
(My 7 year old came op with this one..)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mf820/who_do_you_call_when_your_pizza_is_sick/
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A Man Sits Next to a Girl on a Plane

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mf80y/a_man_sits_next_to_a_girl_on_a_plane/
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If I had a dollar for every time a woman thought I was unattractive...

I would start looking a lot more attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mf673/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_a_woman_thought/
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A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mf2bp/a_man_lost_his_luggage_so_he_took_the_airline/
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Noone actually dreams in color.

It's just a pigment of your imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mf20z/noone_actually_dreams_in_color/
%
No matter how much you push the envelope...

it will remain stationery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mf1cg/no_matter_how_much_you_push_the_envelope/
%
She was only a whiskey-maker's daughter

but he loved her still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mf18r/she_was_only_a_whiskeymakers_daughter/
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What's the difference between a democratic system and a feudal system?

In one your vote counts, in the other, your count votes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mf12c/whats_the_difference_between_a_democratic_system/
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I will never forget that last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mf0zn/i_will_never_forget_that_last_thing_my_grandpa/
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Noone laughed when i fell while skating.

But the ice sure cracked up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mf0ky/noone_laughed_when_i_fell_while_skating/
%
What do you call many rabbits walking backwards?

A receeding hare line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7meypv/what_do_you_call_many_rabbits_walking_backwards/
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Dear People who are afraid of paedophiles

You need to grow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7met16/dear_people_who_are_afraid_of_paedophiles/
%
A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, "You see,  I'm a lawyer and I know how to make people feel guilty.."
He then replies at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for one night!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mese2/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_beautiful_woman/
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.

“What took you so long to answer?” he asked. “I was in bed,” she replied. “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mep36/a_doctor_and_his_wife_were_having_a_big_argument/
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My missus was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it's just water under the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7melo1/my_missus_was_furious_at_me_for_kicking_dropped/
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Two men are walking side by side down the street

One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it, and says, “This guy looks so familiar, but I can't remember where I know him from.” The other guy grabs it from his hand, takes a look at it, and says, “It's me, you idiot!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mekya/two_men_are_walking_side_by_side_down_the_street/
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When do you kick a dwarf in the balls?

When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mejty/when_do_you_kick_a_dwarf_in_the_balls/
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(NSFW) Dave went to a business trip in a foreign country...

after meeting with some of his collegues they decided to go drinking in some local bars. They got pretty wasted and hopped from bar to bar. The next day, Dave wakes up in his hotelroom with a massive hangover but without his wallet and passboard. The last thing he could remember was that he had been in a place where the walls of the bar and the tables had been of golden colour and even the toilet had been golden. He then starts ringing up local bars and asking if they had golden coloured walls and tables. Finally, he finds a bar where the bartender says that they do indeed have golden coloured walls and tables. Just to be sure Dave asks if they have golden toilets too. There's a moment of silence on the other end and then he hears a yell "Oi, Steve! I think I found the guy who shat in your saxophone last night".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7med7b/nsfw_dave_went_to_a_business_trip_in_a_foreign/
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If you're here for the yodeling lesson...

...please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7med3d/if_youre_here_for_the_yodeling_lesson/
%
My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.

"It's state of the art," he boasted.  "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied.  "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mebge/my_dad_bought_himself_a_new_hearing_aid/
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My timing.

What's the worst thing about my jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7meaz3/my_timing/
%
What do you call a priest that is also a lawyer?

A father in law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7me4xf/what_do_you_call_a_priest_that_is_also_a_lawyer/
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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag...

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.
“Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.”
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks !”
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”
The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdzsb/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_paper_bag/
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Why don't rednecks do the reverse cowgirl?

They never turn their back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdzfp/why_dont_rednecks_do_the_reverse_cowgirl/
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They say that when you die you become closer to God

Because you no longer exist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdxzk/they_say_that_when_you_die_you_become_closer_to/
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Met a native Alaskan girl the other day. I asked her if all that stuff you see on the nature shows about Alaska is true How they hunt seals and eat whale blubber. She said yeah some ppl do that stuff. I asked her why she didn’t

She said she’s just not that Inuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdxar/met_a_native_alaskan_girl_the_other_day_i_asked/
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My ex had a weird fetish.

She liked to dress up as her self and then act like a complete bitch all the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdws4/my_ex_had_a_weird_fetish/
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How can you get aliens to destroy their own kind?

split them into groups and teach them different religions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdwf3/how_can_you_get_aliens_to_destroy_their_own_kind/
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdthw/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
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What do you call an impolite red-nosed reindeer?

Rude-olph.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdt7y/what_do_you_call_an_impolite_rednosed_reindeer/
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Roses are red, violets are glorious

Never sneak up,
On oscar pistorious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdsrz/roses_are_red_violets_are_glorious/
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What did the hat say to necktie?

You hang around, I'll go on ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdrmo/what_did_the_hat_say_to_necktie/
%
What did I tell Simba when he was walking slow.

To Mufasa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdrfc/what_did_i_tell_simba_when_he_was_walking_slow/
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What's a man's favorite thing that begins with M and ends with arriage?

Miscarriage. That joke never gets old. Just like the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdp1w/whats_a_mans_favorite_thing_that_begins_with_m/
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Man at urology

Doctor: Hello, first time at our urology clinic ?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: And do you masturbate often ?
Patient: Uhm, its not bad for me now is it ?
Doctor: Well, You'll have to stop.
Patient: Why is that ?
Doctor: Because I can't check you otherwise...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdmd6/man_at_urology/
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Oh my god. You are so hot !

I was walking down this street and this really sexy woman tells me, 'Oh my god. You are so hot. I want you to fuck me right now!'
It's true. You can ask Brad Pitt, he was right behind me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdg1o/oh_my_god_you_are_so_hot/
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It takes me two beers to get drunk

The 13th and the 14th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdg0w/it_takes_me_two_beers_to_get_drunk/
%
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdea1/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mddpd/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archaeologist/
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What do you call a Camel in a drought?

A dry humper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mdcvm/what_do_you_call_a_camel_in_a_drought/
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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7md5q7/a_lady_goes_to_the_doctor_and_complains_that_her/
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William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7md1qc/william_shatner_alias_captain_kirk_has/
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Why did the sperm cross the street?

I wore the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mczt1/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_street/
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What would Theodore Roosevelt be called if he was a professional bodybuilder?

Teddy Swolevelt.
Yes, I know it's awful, Just had to get it out of my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mcpo3/what_would_theodore_roosevelt_be_called_if_he_was/
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How did the egg break up with the other egg?

She said, "We're ova!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mcpdq/how_did_the_egg_break_up_with_the_other_egg/
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I just ended a 8 year relationship

I’m OK though, it wasn’t my relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mcoyr/i_just_ended_a_8_year_relationship/
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mcmbe/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mck24/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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I heard Eddie Vedder hates every insurance mascot out there...

Even Flo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mcild/i_heard_eddie_vedder_hates_every_insurance_mascot/
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A couples' therapist encounters a client with a giant red "M" on her chest. [NSFW]

Concerned, the therapist asks the woman if her husband is abusing her in some strange satanic manner. "No," replies the client, "my husband is a Mississippi fan and insists on wearing his game jersey every time we have an 'interaction'." A couple days later, the therapist meets another client who shows him a giant red "O" on her chest and tells him, "Please help me. My husband is a crazy man! He is a huge Ohio State fan and insists on wearing his jersey every time we have an 'interaction'." Later on, the therapist encounters yet another woman with a giant red "M" on her chest. "Let me guess," says the therapist. "Your husband is a Michigan fan?" "No, actually," replies the woman, "my girlfriend went to Wisconsin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mcd06/a_couples_therapist_encounters_a_client_with_a/
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If you see a robbery happen at an Apple store, what are you?

An iWitness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mca19/if_you_see_a_robbery_happen_at_an_apple_store/
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I was sitting at a bar last night

And this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.
I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?
I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mc9ts/i_was_sitting_at_a_bar_last_night/
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Earlier this year, a chinese family moved into my small town...

The family had two twins who were both seniors in my class, Ving and Ling. Ving and his sister Ling were quiet to start off with, but eventually I made good friends with Ving. After talking to him for a few weeks he revealed to me that he absolutely abhored his name, and that he'd do almost anything to figure out how to get it changed. I asked him what he wanted to change it to, and he said
"Lee, like Bruce Lee or some shit."
I was failing trigonometry at the time, and so I thought what the hell, and offered to help him in exchange for him doing my homework. Ling overheard us and chimed in,
"If you do that, father will disown you as our child. That name has been in our family line for generations."
Ving never really listened to his sister though, and he still wanted to go through with the plan. The next day after school, I drove him to the town hall. After we arrived, he had gotten the name-change sheet and was scribbling down information on to it when I saw his face change. I could tell he was extremely conflicted with his choice. Tears began to stream down his face. He finally decided that he was gonna have to cancel his request, and Ling looked relieved. The receptionist let us know that there would be a cancelation fee, and handed the fee waiver to her. Suddenly, A short asian man with neon shorts, ray-bans, and an american flag t-shirt bursted into the room. Ving turned in awe and stared at the man, as tears rolled down his cheeks.
"D-D-Dad?"
With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.
"Don't stop, be Lee, Ving.
Hold on the that fee, Ling"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mc402/earlier_this_year_a_chinese_family_moved_into_my/
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“It’s a boy!”, I shouted, with tears rolling down my face.

“I don’t believe it’s a boy!”
At that moment, I decided never to visit Thailand again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mc2xs/its_a_boy_i_shouted_with_tears_rolling_down_my/
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mc2t7/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_hit_in_the/
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I asked my husband for a bath bomb for Christmas

He got me a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mbvpy/i_asked_my_husband_for_a_bath_bomb_for_christmas/
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My doctor told me I have a phobia of German sausage

I fear die wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mbui5/my_doctor_told_me_i_have_a_phobia_of_german/
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A cowboy walks into a bar...

...and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
"What's it telling you now?" The lady asks.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mbp0v/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Goldfish, man, you made me so happy, I'll do anything for you...

This is long, so bear with me.
So I was fishing at this pond close to home, see. And all day I was fishing, with nothing biting. Just as the sun was setting, something was finally tugging and wouldn't you know, the most brightly coloured gold FISH(!) was at the end of my fishing string. And wouldn't you know it the damn thing spoke to me...
- Hey man, so you caught me. A damn fine job you did. But hear me out! Let me fly free as the eagle... I'll give you 3 wishes!
- Well hot dang, I said, scratching my sweaty forehead neath my Chicago Bulls cap. Well I best take advantage of this. Goldfish, my first wish is to have the best damn car this west of the Mississippi. I want it to hit 200 mph in 4 second and no damn less, and make her red as Satan.
- No damn problem, friend, the goldfish said. When you get home you'll see the damndest car you've ever laid your eyes on sitting right there on your front door.
- Damn straight it better. Speaking of my front porch, I want my second wish to be that my shitty hobble of a wanna be trailer home to become the most luxurious, immense, gold plated, marble filled palace any king wouldn't even have dreamed of.
- Good Lordie Lordie, Fisher Man, nothing could be truer. Run on home, your Palace of the Heavens awaits ye!
- Well hot dang, fishie! For my last wish, well... I got 7 kids. All dumb as rain. Make 'em be something. I want them to be smarter than Einsteen himself. Make sure they gonna make something of themselves.
- Say no more, brother. You just let me fly and all these wishes will come true!
So I threw that damn magical goldfish in the pond as hard I could and ran home as fast as my legs would let me. Sure enough, the reddest fastest meanest automobile this side of the Mississippi was sitting in front of the biggest most luxurious palace I could've ever imagined. My eyes were already watering as I ran up upstairs the marble staircase into my new library, where I saw my 7 youngings, all dressed all sharp like with bowties round their necks discussing quantum physics and the like on a chalkboard, as they do.
My eyes were crying such tears of joy and my heart was filled so much good will that I couldn't just let things be, so I ran back to the damned pond, jumped in the water and met the goldfish once more. I pulled him out the water, kissed him big and sloberlike on the mouth and said to him:
- Goldfish, man, you made me so happy, I'll do anything to make us even. I gotta make it up to you cause you made me the happiest damn man in the world.
- Ah, it's nothing Fisherman, you let me fly free so we're even enough I reckon.
- Nah, Goldish, I insist. Name one thing, and ifn't be in my possibility, I'll do it for you.
- Okay, Fisher Man, then. If that's what you want... Let me suck your cock!
And that's when the damn fish turned into an 8 year old boy, yer honor!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mbmo5/goldfish_man_you_made_me_so_happy_ill_do_anything/
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Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost for a lifetime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mbm1g/tell_a_man_a_joke_he_will_laugh_for_a_day/
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Give him head

Hello Mom
*Hi Sweet heart*
My bf has dandruff.What can I do about it?
*Give him head & shoulders honey*
How do I give shoulder mom?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mbclw/give_him_head/
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My new years resolution was to lose 10 pounds.

I only have 30 pounds to go!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mbbcp/my_new_years_resolution_was_to_lose_10_pounds/
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I hate family holiday's

It's awkward being around all my ex's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mb9x0/i_hate_family_holidays/
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What do you call a group of singing dinosaurs?

A tyrannochorus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mb9lf/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_singing_dinosaurs/
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I can't get rid my one night stand...

It looks like it was attached to the wall by the previous owner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mb9au/i_cant_get_rid_my_one_night_stand/
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What's a KKK member's favorite car?

A black must-hang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mb7h3/whats_a_kkk_members_favorite_car/
%
Back in the day...

Back in the day, everyone had a horse and only rich people owned cars. Now everyone owns a car and only the rich own horses. I guess you could say, the stables have turned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mb6yz/back_in_the_day/
%
My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini.

I said, “Wow! That’s an amazing car!”
He replied, “If you work hard, put all of your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mawbg/my_boss_arrived_at_work_in_a_brand_new_lamborghini/
%
If the opposite of pro is con...

Then that means the opposite of congress is progress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mamj6/if_the_opposite_of_pro_is_con/
%
Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7maknn/somebody_was_shot_with_a_starting_pistol/
%
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring

The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7makk2/yesterday_i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food/
%
A hotel is filled to capacity with Reddit users, what happens next?

username checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7majz7/a_hotel_is_filled_to_capacity_with_reddit_users/
%
What is a word that starts with ‘n’ and ends with ‘r’ that you never want to call a black person?

Neighbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mahlj/what_is_a_word_that_starts_with_n_and_ends_with_r/
%
What's a chemists favourite thing to do at Christmas?

Decorate his chemistree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mah94/whats_a_chemists_favourite_thing_to_do_at/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7magwk/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
I had a rough time in Vegas last year and ended up losing all my money.

It was time to get back home, but I'd lost so much money, I couldn't afford to pay for a cab to the airport.
When I asked the only cabbie on the strip for a little mercy, and vowed to pay wire him the cash, or to give him the rolex on my wrist, he laughed, and spat in my face.
I did make it in time, and when I returned a year later, I had more success. When it was time to go back home, I noticed that there was a long line of working cabbies, and I recognised my friend from my last trip, parked all the way at the back.
I approached the first guy, and I told him I couldn't pay him, but I could give him a blow job instead. He turned me down. As did the fella behind him, and the one behind him, and so on, until I finally reached the back of the line.
I smiled at the driver and told him I wanted to go to the airport, and that I'd pay double if he drove along the line and waved at all the drivers in front of him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mafoy/i_had_a_rough_time_in_vegas_last_year_and_ended/
%
why can't a bank keep a secret?

because there are too many tellers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7macs6/why_cant_a_bank_keep_a_secret/
%
A woman gets married and has 3 kids...

A woman gets married and has 3 kids. Her husband dies shortly after.
The woman get remarried and has another 4 kids. Her husband dies shortly after.
The woman gets married a third time and has another 5 kids. Her husband dies shortly after.
After a little while the woman dies as well. Attending her funeral, two of her friends are talking:
"Well at least they're together again."
"Together with which one? She was married three times!"
"No, I meant her legs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mab9e/a_woman_gets_married_and_has_3_kids/
%
A man and a women in a hotel room have just had amazing sex.

The man is exhausted and he leans over to pick up the phone.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"Calling room service, I need a drink"
"My last lover was Tiger Woods and he would never have done that, he would have made love to me again" she said
So the guy turns over and makes love to her again, after finishing he picks up the phone and she says "Tiger would not do that he would make love to me again"
So one more time he makes love to her, after finishing for the third time he sits on the side of the bed and picks up the phone.
Are you calling room service because Tiger wouldn't have.
No I am calling Tiger Woods, I want to know what the par for this hole is"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ma4vx/a_man_and_a_women_in_a_hotel_room_have_just_had/
%
Why did the paint job in the Autobots home base look so nice?

Because Optimus Primed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ma3ln/why_did_the_paint_job_in_the_autobots_home_base/
%
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"
Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."
The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"
The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ma065/two_guys_from_michigan_die_and_wake_up_in_hell/
%
A man is found guilty & sent to prison

He's a slight man, with a short, thin, scrawny frame, & the prison assigns him to a cell with a 6'8" 325lb muscular man named Tyrone who looks absolutely terrifying.
The new inmate avoids looking at his frightening cellmate, so Tyrone decides to break the ice and in a very intimidating voice asks "What's your name?".
"Fred", the new inmate meekly responded.
Tyrone then says, "Alright Fred, here's how it's gonna be.  You're in prison now and in my cell.  That means one of us has to be the husband and one of us has to be the wife.  You know what I mean?"
Fred's heart sinks when he hears this, but it's not entirely a surprise given everything he's heard about prison.
Tyrone then asked Fred, "Now which one you wanna be - the husband or the wife?"
Fred is repulsed by the mere implication of what that meant, but figured if this is how it was gonna be, he'd better take the lesser of two evils, so he replied to Tyrone, "I guess I'll be the husband."
"Alright then", says Tyrone, "now get your scrawny ass over here & suck your wife's dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m9pii/a_man_is_found_guilty_sent_to_prison/
%
"Mum, can I have a dog for Christmas?"

"No, you can have turkey like everyone else"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m9lz4/mum_can_i_have_a_dog_for_christmas/
%
What do a strip club and a Reddit data center have in common?

Both are full of big racks and lonely guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m9jr1/what_do_a_strip_club_and_a_reddit_data_center/
%
An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?
Santa. The other two don't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m9isy/an_honest_politician_a_kind_lawyer_and_santa_were/
%
A woman is pregnant with triplets and is shot in the stomach 3 times...

The babies seem unharmed and she gives birth a few weeks later, 2 girls and a boy.
8 years later one of the girls comes to her crying and says she just peed out a bullet, so her mother explains what happened.
A year after that the second daughter comes to her crying, the mom asks why and she has also peed out a bullet, the mom explains what happened.
5 years later the boy comes to her crying and the mother asks "let me guess, you peed out a bullet?" To which the son responds "No, I was jacking off and shot the dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m9fug/a_woman_is_pregnant_with_triplets_and_is_shot_in/
%
How do you communicate with fish?

You drop them a line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m9fdq/how_do_you_communicate_with_fish/
%
So Mickey Is In Court Divorcing Minnie...

There are lawyers everywhere, wearing black suits and carrying big books and glasses. The judge is an old white man in a black robe who says, "So, Mickey, you said you're divorcing your wife because she's crazy?"
Mickey says, *With all due respect Your Honor, I said that she was fucking goofy!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m99ph/so_mickey_is_in_court_divorcing_minnie/
%
Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m98j1/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_clickbait/
%
364 days until Christmas

All these assholes have their decorations up already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m93c1/364_days_until_christmas/
%
What is Roy Moore's favorite piano key?

A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m9104/what_is_roy_moores_favorite_piano_key/
%
I let the autistic kid have my seat on the bus.

And that, is how I lost my job _and_ my license.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m8ycb/i_let_the_autistic_kid_have_my_seat_on_the_bus/
%
My mom told me I could keep the chicken in the freezer.

She was wrong. That little fucker was dead the next morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m8rv8/my_mom_told_me_i_could_keep_the_chicken_in_the/
%
What did the wisemen, who were Reddit users, say to Jesus?

We come bearing GIFs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m8r30/what_did_the_wisemen_who_were_reddit_users_say_to/
%
What we really want

What do we want??
Low flying plane noises!
When do we want them??
NEEEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m8ojh/what_we_really_want/
%
TIFU by losing 5 pounds.

Now I can’t afford lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m8o6v/tifu_by_losing_5_pounds/
%
A Spanish magician said "I am going to disappear on a count to three..."

"Uno.... Dos...." and he disappears, without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m8m01/a_spanish_magician_said_i_am_going_to_disappear/
%
Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a redditor a joke, he will repost it for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m8h7y/tell_a_man_a_joke_he_will_laugh_for_a_day/
%
As a police officer, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m8g2n/as_a_police_officer_i_dont_know_how_to_deal_with/
%
Three men die and go to heaven

When the first guy arrives at the pearly gates, Saint Peter says "my son, we're a bit crowded here, and you're only allowed in heaven if you had a traumatic death". "Traumatic death?" the guy exclaims, "I just caught my wife cheating. I came to my apartment early and she was naked on the bed. And this dude was hanging outside my balcony. I stomped on his hands until he lost his grip. The bastard fell five stories but was still alive. So I grabbed my refrigerator and threw over him. But the refrigerator was much more heavier than I anticipated, so I had a fulminating heart attack." "All right", says Saint Peter, "you may enter the gates."
When the second guy arrives at the pearly gates, Saint Peter says "my son, we're a bit crowded here, and you're only allowed in heaven if you had a traumatic death". "Certainly!", exclaims the guy, "I assure you I had a traumatic death! I was in my balcony when I noticed that the lady downstairs was naked on her bed. So I bent down to take a better look and lost my balance. But I managed to grab on her balcony. As I was climbing up this crazy dude came stomping on my hands, sent me falling flat on the ground and threw a super heavy refrigerator on me to make sure I was dead!" "Ok", says Saint Peter, "you may enter the gates."
When the third guy arrives at the pearly gates, Saint Peter again says "my son, we're a bit crowded here, and you're only allowed in heaven if you had a traumatic death". "Well I can assure you I had a weird death at least!", says the guy, and continues "I was on my vacation having a little fun with my boss' wife, but he actually came early to his apartment. The only place I've found to hide was inside his refrigerator, and, somehow, here I am!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m8eli/three_men_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m8c9c/why_do_dwarfs_laugh_when_they_play_soccer/
%
Dark humour is like clean water

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m89xe/dark_humour_is_like_clean_water/
%
My favourite part of a car.

Damn it, I already revealed it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m89n9/my_favourite_part_of_a_car/
%
On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white.

The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m86qh/on_the_roof_of_a_very_tall_building_are_four_men/
%
American Soldier

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”
The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked, railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
“And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m86ox/american_soldier/
%
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"5,000$" she replies.
"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs."
He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"
"15,000$" she replies.
"15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts
"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs."
"Fine, how can i say no?"
Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"
"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.
"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.
"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m86ni/a_man_is_walking_the_las_vegas_strip_and_runs/
%
My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad...

She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m86fx/my_great_grandmother_worked_on_the_underground/
%
One cloud says to another, "Oh no, we don't have enough water to make a rainstorm"

The other cloud says, "don't worry - we'll make dew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m83p5/one_cloud_says_to_another_oh_no_we_dont_have/
%
What did the blonde say when she found out that she was pregnant?

I hope it’s not mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m82eq/what_did_the_blonde_say_when_she_found_out_that/
%
Co-worker just told me this one. Why is the snowman smiling?

Because the snowblower is coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m82ee/coworker_just_told_me_this_one_why_is_the_snowman/
%
So, I introduced my gf to my family today...

I still don’t know why my wife hates her so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m80bm/so_i_introduced_my_gf_to_my_family_today/
%
A little bit about me.

I enjoy subtle jokes, oxford commas and irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7zxm/a_little_bit_about_me/
%
Three nuns perish in a bus crash...

...and are whisked straight to heaven.
St. Peter greets them at the gate with a warm welcome.
“Sisters, you have all three been paragons of the Catholic faith. The good Lord would like to bestow upon you one last day on earth as anyone you would like to be. Live for a day as whomever you’d like, no judgments!”
The first nun, the eldest of the three, thinks for a moment, and then shyly states, “I think I’d like to be Raquel Welch for a day.  She was always so sexy and glamorous, and all the men wanted her.  I’d like to experience that.”
Poof.  She disappeared back to earth.
The second nun, the youngest of the three, thought for a while and declared, “I want to be Britney Spears for a day.  All that sexy dancing and singing, and all the men think she’s hot.”
Poof, she’s gone.
The third nun doesn’t hesitate.  She declares, “Sarah Pipilini.”
St. Peter stands there for a moment, confused.  He opens up the giant roster for all of humanity and pores through it.  Finally he shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry Sister, but I can’t find a record of a Sarah Pipilini anywhere...living or dead.”
“Nonsense,” says the third nun, and she produces a newspaper article from her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
After reading the article St. Peter begins to chuckle.
“Sister, it was the SAHARA PIPELINE that was laid by 10,000 men.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7zet/three_nuns_perish_in_a_bus_crash/
%
A walks into a drug store in London

A man walks into a drugstore in London and ask the pharmacist for some American razor blades. The pharmacist asks if he is sure, because England makes the finest razor blades in the world. But the man insists on American razor blades.
"Have it your way" says the pharmacist, "but I can assure you that ours are the best. Just last week my wife accidentally swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, a hysterectomy, an appendectomy, circumcised the gardner, emasculated the chauffeur, cut two of the butler's fingers off, and I still got ten shaves out of it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7yso/a_walks_into_a_drug_store_in_london/
%
My doctor told me to cut down on sodium.

I took his advice with a pinch of salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7vzu/my_doctor_told_me_to_cut_down_on_sodium/
%
What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A senator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7vaa/what_do_you_call_a_lawyer_with_an_iq_of_50/
%
Two nuns were cleaning the church...

The first nun says, "You aren't going to believe this, but the other day I was cleaning Father Tim's room, and I found condoms in his night stand."
The second nun says, "Oh my! What did you do?"
The first nun says, "I poked holes in them."
The second nun says, "Fuck..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7qns/two_nuns_were_cleaning_the_church/
%
The one who created the memes font really changed the world.

I mean, he really made an Impact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7n5h/the_one_who_created_the_memes_font_really_changed/
%
Why do Bookworms breakup ?

Because they are not on the same page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7jxa/why_do_bookworms_breakup/
%
Subway

The company that managed to convince people that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7hep/subway/
%
A bus stops...

...and two Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady
sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she
hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one
lasta time.
"You foul-mouthed swine, "retorted the
lady indignantly. "In this country
we don't talk about our sex lives in
public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the
man. "Who talkin' about a sexa?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to
spella "Mississippi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7g0x/a_bus_stops/
%
A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.

The next day he pooped his pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7epp/a_cowboy_ran_out_of_food_on_the_trail_so_he_had/
%
I just asked my husband

if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7dga/i_just_asked_my_husband/
%
What happens when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7byj/what_happens_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
%
There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female...

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7btb/theres_a_way_of_telling_if_an_orange_is_male_or/
%
Who are the fastest readers in the world?

The 9/11 victims,they went through 89 stories in 6 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m7bnw/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
%
What tea do they give you in prison?

Guil-tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m78ly/what_tea_do_they_give_you_in_prison/
%
Christmas Joke

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”
The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”
He promptly replied, “Another train.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m76k0/christmas_joke/
%
Before I tell my wife something important

, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m756k/before_i_tell_my_wife_something_important/
%
A Chinese man walks into a bar

and starts drinking a beer. The man next to him asks, "Do you know Kung Fu? Or Karate? Taekwondo? Any martial arts maybe?"
The Chinese man replies in disgust, "You think that just because I'm Chinese I know martial arts? That's racist!"
"Good, because you're drinking my beer," was all the Chinese man heard, before he got knocked out with a punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m73kw/a_chinese_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Life expectancy of AIDS patients can be 30-40 years.

No wonder all the africans want to get it, it could triple the length of their lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m72ew/life_expectancy_of_aids_patients_can_be_3040_years/
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Tom and Mary were arguing about whether boys or girls were better...

After a long debate, Tom pulled his pants down and said, "Ha! Boys are better because girls don't have one of these!" Realising that what Tom said was true, Mary ran home crying.
The next day, Mary returned beaming. "My mom says that girls are better," she said confidently. "Why? You don't have one of these," said Tom, preparing to lower his pants again.
Mary simply lifts her skirt and replies, "Well, my mom says that as long as if I have one of these I can have as many of those as I want!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m6yr9/tom_and_mary_were_arguing_about_whether_boys_or/
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A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m6xhp/a_man_and_a_woman_argue_over_the_custody_of_their/
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What has four legs, is green and brown, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m6xa9/what_has_four_legs_is_green_and_brown_and_if_it/
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As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself...

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m6qs1/as_i_get_older_and_i_remember_all_the_people_ive/
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A vegan, a med student, and a bitcoin trader walk into a bar

Who tells you about it first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m6m6o/a_vegan_a_med_student_and_a_bitcoin_trader_walk/
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Why do vegetarians give such good head?

Because they are used to eating nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m6lid/why_do_vegetarians_give_such_good_head/
%
How many cops do you need to change a Lightbulb?

20, One of them changes the lightbulb and the other 19 beat up the room because its black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m6ihz/how_many_cops_do_you_need_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

..... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m6h93/an_ugly_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_a_beautiful/
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It's impssossible to run through a camp ground

You can only ran cause it's passed tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m6fyx/its_impssossible_to_run_through_a_camp_ground/
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Young son and the electric train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m6ais/young_son_and_the_electric_train/
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“You da bomb!”

“No, you da bomb!”
In America – a compliment. In the Middle East – an argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m69ln/you_da_bomb/
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Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it."

"And forget the present, I didn't get you one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m69bt/uncle_came_over_for_christmas_and_told_me_these/
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What does 80 year-old pussy taste like?

Depends...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m68iu/what_does_80_yearold_pussy_taste_like/
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A thought about Del Toro’s “The Shape of Water”

“The Shape of Water” is a story about a woman who falls in love with an otherworldly creature that learns how to communicate, has a funny scene where he interacts with a domestic setting and has magical healing hands. He is also returned to his natural environment, almost dying on the way by a plucky protagonist dodging authority.
However, the protagonist also has a love scene with him.
You could say that this is *BestialE.T.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m68gh/a_thought_about_del_toros_the_shape_of_water/
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what's it called when you remember your emo phase and cringe?

PTxD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m63r2/whats_it_called_when_you_remember_your_emo_phase/
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What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m5y4x/what_was_the_snowman_doing_in_the_carrot_section/
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You don't like blowjobs?

Well, suck it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m5vna/you_dont_like_blowjobs/
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A ghost floats into a bar

He stops at the bar and says “Barkeep, I’ll take a glass of your finest wine.
The bartender doesn’t respond.
The ghost is angered and says, “Your finest wine, or I’m going to haunt your bar.”
Still no response from the bartender.
The ghost says, “Hey buddy, what’s your problem??”
The bartender looks at him and says, “We don’t serve spirits here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m5rx3/a_ghost_floats_into_a_bar/
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Apple slows their old phones and everyone loses their mind

God has been doing this to old people for centuries and no one bats an eye...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m5mye/apple_slows_their_old_phones_and_everyone_loses/
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Paddy the Bear

Paddy is out around town doing a bit of shopping, in one particular store he spots something shiny behind the counter and says to the assistant "What's that thing there?"
"Its a thermos flask" says the assistant.
"What does it do?" Paddy asks.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, sir" She replies.
Paddy buys the thermos flask and takes it to work the next day. At lunch time he sits down and takes it out of his rucksack.
"What's that thing?" Mick asks.
"Its a thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" Paddy says.
"Is that so? What've got in it?" Asks Mick.
Paddy says "Two cups of coffee and an ice cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m5lal/paddy_the_bear/
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I got a new white board for Christmas...

It's remarkable....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m5flm/i_got_a_new_white_board_for_christmas/
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6:30 is the best time on the clock!

Hands down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m5fj1/630_is_the_best_time_on_the_clock/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m5e41/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
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What’s the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

I can easily turn on a washing machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m5e2p/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
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Do you spell Christmas with an "L"?

Or Noel?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m5dq2/do_you_spell_christmas_with_an_l/
%
I dated a woman with one leg years ago, but

I can't remember if her name was Peg or Ilene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m5dfs/i_dated_a_woman_with_one_leg_years_ago_but/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m5c11/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
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An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...

But they were all silent compared to the person who invested in bitcoin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m5an3/an_atheist_a_crossfitter_and_a_vegan_are_all/
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Forget Apple slowing down old iPhones..

God is slowing down old humans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m58t5/forget_apple_slowing_down_old_iphones/
%
What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese chick?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m57yw/whats_the_hardest_part_about_breaking_up_with_a/
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I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad.

That spider didn't know what hit it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m56pw/i_asked_my_wife_for_a_newspaper_she_said_not_to/
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What does Jesus get for Christmas?

Older.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m55b7/what_does_jesus_get_for_christmas/
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A man in an insane asylum yells "I am napolean!" the doctor asks him how he knows this, and he says "god told me"

then an inmate from another room yells "I did NOT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m5595/a_man_in_an_insane_asylum_yells_i_am_napolean_the/
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Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m54xi/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
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I like my coffee how I like my slaves...

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m53x4/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_slaves/
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Before candles, what did North Korean communists use to light their homes with?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m53ih/before_candles_what_did_north_korean_communists/
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Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day.

Tell a redditor a joke, and he will repost for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m4xa1/tell_a_man_a_joke_he_will_laugh_for_a_day/
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"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing...

Except at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m4wtn/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_same_thing/
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A man walks into his house holding a chicken under his arm

He looks at his wife and says “this is the pig I’ve been fucking”
His wife says, “That’s not a pig that’s a chicken you idiot”
The man says “I was talking to the chicken”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m4vxz/a_man_walks_into_his_house_holding_a_chicken/
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What is a cannibals favorite type of cookie?

Lady fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m4uik/what_is_a_cannibals_favorite_type_of_cookie/
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A bird named Chet

I heard this long ago and hadn't told it in years. Another bird joke I just read, combined with the date, suddenly jarred my memory. I've never written it so there's probably a better version out there, but here goes.
A guy goes to a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. He looks around for a while, but nothing is really hitting the spot. Finally a salesperson asks if they can help him find anything. After explaining the situation the attendant says "you should meet Chet, he's perfect for a Christmas gift!". The man is surprised to be shown a rather plain looking, unremarkable, parrot.
"What's so great about him?" he asks. "Watch this" says the salesperson who then takes out a lighter and holds it under the birds left foot. Suddenly Chet breaks out in song with a beautiful rendition of  'O Holy Night'. "Wow! That's amazing!" the man exclaims. "Oh, that's not it" says the salesperson as she moves the lighter under the birds other foot. Once again Chet starts singing, this time a fun 'Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer'. The man purchases the bird and rushes home to show his wife, repeating the same demonstration as the the salesperson.
A few days later the wife has a friend over, and decides to show off her new pet. She finds a lighter, introduces her friend to Chet, then lights the lighter and holds it between the birds legs. Chet starts off in song... "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m4rye/a_bird_named_chet/
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Why does Santa have such a big sack

Because he only cums once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m4gxo/why_does_santa_have_such_a_big_sack/
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So I got fired from the clock factory yesterday

Apparently I wasn’t putting in enough hours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m4fy1/so_i_got_fired_from_the_clock_factory_yesterday/
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What's the difference between a cow and slavery?

You can't milk a cow for 200 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m4f9d/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_slavery/
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Why did Buddha pull coins out of his asshole?

Cause change comes from within.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m4eag/why_did_buddha_pull_coins_out_of_his_asshole/
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Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?

My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m4e8w/why_does_everyone_assume_that_just_because_im_a/
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I don’t understand why white people can’t say the N word

We invented it after all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m4dtg/i_dont_understand_why_white_people_cant_say_the_n/
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Last night I accidentally swallowed a piece of string...

..I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m4ds2/last_night_i_accidentally_swallowed_a_piece_of/
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Why did only the letter E get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of them were not-E.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m4bc1/why_did_only_the_letter_e_get_christmas_presents/
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Santa comes to the White House....

Santa arrives at the White House and hands Donald Trump his Christmas present. Trump excitedly tears open his gift then looks up at Santa in shock. "What?", Santa exclaims. "I thought you LOVED coal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m46dv/santa_comes_to_the_white_house/
%
How did Jared from Subway lose weight?

He was ordering off the kids menu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m42x5/how_did_jared_from_subway_lose_weight/
%
Did you heard about the suicide bomber with ADHD??

His brain was everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m4221/did_you_heard_about_the_suicide_bomber_with_adhd/
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A Guy Walks Down The Street One Evening...

... when he walks around a corner and finds some hookers working the streets. He decides that he's horny and it's dark enough, he might as well, so he gets the first one and takes her behind a bush next to the road.
A policeman doing foot patrol stumbles upon them a few minutes later, shines his flashlight into the bush and asks: "What is going on here?!"
The man replies: "Sorry officer, just having an intimate moment with my wife".
The officer replies: "Oh... Sorry to disturb then sir, I didn't realize she's your wife" to which the man replies: "me neither, until you shone the flashlight on her"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m41cw/a_guy_walks_down_the_street_one_evening/
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Someone wished me a white Christmas

So I wished them a black Kwanzaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m3w7z/someone_wished_me_a_white_christmas/
%
What’s the difference between people and pizza?

There’s no such thing as a person too hot to stick your dick in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m3w26/whats_the_difference_between_people_and_pizza/
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For christmas I bought my wife a pair of shoes and a dildo

That way if she doesn't like the shoes she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m3usk/for_christmas_i_bought_my_wife_a_pair_of_shoes/
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There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand hexadecimal...

and F the rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m3uc1/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world_those/
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Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?

Because he only comes once a year and he’s stuck at work that night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m3tg6/why_doesnt_santa_have_any_kids/
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So, Jesus turned 18,

and Joseph went to Maria and told her that he knows what the bible said etc. etc. but he wanted his son to be with a woman at least 1 time in his life. Maria was furious and told Joseph to fuck off.
So Joseph and Jesus visited a local whorehouse in Jerusalem and Joseph chose a woman for Jesus and payed for her.
Jesus comes back after 5 minutes. Thats ok, first time and all. They go home.
Next day at around 3 a.m. in the morning the whore comes raging at their house, kicking in the door and yelling : " YOU FUCKERS, YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE!!!" - banging more and more violent.
Joseph puts on his morning coat and opens the door: " But i payed you and all, what is the problem?"
Jerusalem prostitute: " Your Son???????? He came into the room and i spread my legs and he looks at me retarded af, puts his hand on my pussy and says: "Let this wound be healed.""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m3sgt/so_jesus_turned_18/
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Trump and Obama meet during inauguration...

Trump asks: Barack, your approval ratings are pretty high. I love ratings a lot. Can you give me some tips?
Obama: The key is having a strong administration. I make sure that my administration not only works hard but is also composed of smart people.
Trump: What do you mean?
Obama summons Biden.
Obama (to Biden): Joe, I have a question for you. Who is a son or daughter of your parents but not your sibling?
Biden: It is me Barack!
Obama to Trump: See, that is how we roll...
After inauguration Trump decides to test this on Pence.
Trump: Mike, I have a question for you. Who is a son or daughter of your parents but not your sibling?
Pence takes half an hour but can't figure out the answer. Eventually, he decides to cheat and asks chief strategist Steve Bannon. After some brainstrom Bannon says "It is me!".
Pence rushes to Trump: It is Steve Bannon sir!
Trump furious: What are you talking about loser? It is Joe Biden. You're fired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m3prb/trump_and_obama_meet_during_inauguration/
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I have a Photographic memory

Unfortunately it's digital and it didn't come with a memory card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m3mdo/i_have_a_photographic_memory/
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When someone asks me why I need my phone in the toilet with me

I say "for shits and giggles"
Merry Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m3kei/when_someone_asks_me_why_i_need_my_phone_in_the/
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Why was the letter E the only letter in the alphabet to get any presents?

Because all the other letters were not-E.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m3hsu/why_was_the_letter_e_the_only_letter_in_the/
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What has four hairy legs and fucks my sister on Christmas?

Me and my dad! Merry Christmas from the Alabama of the north, Alberta Canada .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m3ev7/what_has_four_hairy_legs_and_fucks_my_sister_on/
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All I got for Christmas was a sweater

What I really wanted was a screamer or a biter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m3dy4/all_i_got_for_christmas_was_a_sweater/
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So my wife glared at me from across the table and firmly stated “You weren’t even listening were you?!”

I wasn’t sure what to say, but I thought “That’s a strange way to start a conversation”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m3b37/so_my_wife_glared_at_me_from_across_the_table_and/
%
A doctor fell into a watering hole.

Its his own fault. He should have attended to the sick and left the well alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m35nh/a_doctor_fell_into_a_watering_hole/
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Camel Questions

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m2zzw/camel_questions/
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A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He grabs the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 5-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!” The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard”, says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m2ydl/a_blonde_guy_gets_home_early_from_work_and_hears/
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The Rude Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m2uxj/the_rude_parrot/
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A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news.

A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned.
The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” The blonde said, “No. A bet’s a bet.” So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”
The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m2sj2/a_blonde_and_a_redhead_met_for_dinner_after_work/
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A man once told his wife that he believed that the world was flat

And she asked why, to which he replied “Honey, you *are* my world.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m2s3f/a_man_once_told_his_wife_that_he_believed_that/
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There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane.

The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one ofhis questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.
The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?” Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m2qbt/there_was_a_blonde_who_found_herself_sitting_next/
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Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

So the other one could drive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m2o6g/why_did_the_siamese_twins_move_to_england/
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A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.
“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.
“$300” – he replied.
“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn’t,and got irritated when the blonde persisted.
Finally, after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled.
“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.
After two hours, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 7 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m2ntv/a_blonde_walked_into_a_shoe_shop_and_saw_a_pair/
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I didn’t notice that the bike my friend gifted me didn’t have pedals.

I knew something was missing, but I just couldn’t put my foot on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m2jou/i_didnt_notice_that_the_bike_my_friend_gifted_me/
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Jerry died and was in line for the Pearly Gates...

As people approached St. Peter he directed them either into heaven or over towards Satan standing by the fiery pit of Hell. Jerry noticed that every once in a while Satan threw some of the damned around the edge of the pit. This intrigued Jerry, so when he was next in line, Jerry asked Peter, "What's the deal with those ones? Why not just throw them directly into the pit?"
St. Peter replied, "Ah yes. Those people are from Seattle. We have to dry them out before they'll burn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m2fhv/jerry_died_and_was_in_line_for_the_pearly_gates/
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What’s the difference between the USA and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m2ety/whats_the_difference_between_the_usa_and_yogurt/
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Did you know how Ukrainians felt in 1932?

Hungary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m2etm/did_you_know_how_ukrainians_felt_in_1932/
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When I told my mother I wanted to put the Christmas tree up myself...

she suggested that I should put it up in the living room instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m2cwc/when_i_told_my_mother_i_wanted_to_put_the/
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Dear Satan,

Please cure my dyslexia this Christmas, thank you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m2979/dear_satan/
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The person who invented throat lozenges died last week

There was no coffin at the funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m27s8/the_person_who_invented_throat_lozenges_died_last/
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Why did America go afk?

Because Washington D.C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m27ej/why_did_america_go_afk/
%
Easy way to search your wife.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m278d/easy_way_to_search_your_wife/
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms ?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m276o/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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What do Indian people say to their mothers when they're leaving home?

Mumbai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m266e/what_do_indian_people_say_to_their_mothers_when/
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What do you call a mexican who lost his car?

Carloss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m24ug/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
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People are crazy about christmas...

364 days until Christmas and people already have Christmas decorations up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m248h/people_are_crazy_about_christmas/
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I don't trust my daughter's boyfriend.

I think he's lying when he says my wife is great in bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m22v2/i_dont_trust_my_daughters_boyfriend/
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My girlfriend dumped me because I'm unorganised.

So she packed my suitcase and I left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m1y5k/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_because_im_unorganised/
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Why is Santa always so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m1vxj/why_is_santa_always_so_jolly/
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What is Captain Kirk's least favorite movie genre?

Romulan-coms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m1v8y/what_is_captain_kirks_least_favorite_movie_genre/
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Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.
They're great at separating independent Clauses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m1ucm/santa_and_mrs_claus_have_decided_to_break_up/
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This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

In my defense,
I was staring at boobs and she said "Press One?"
So I did...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m1t0a/this_morning_i_was_beaten_up_by_a_busty_woman_in/
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What is Captain Kirk’s least favorite type of nut?

Pe-KAAAAAHHHHHNNNNNN!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m1skm/what_is_captain_kirks_least_favorite_type_of_nut/
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Whats the difference between a woman and a computer

I can turn a computer on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m1omv/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
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Why all women are so bad at parking??

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m1nzf/why_all_women_are_so_bad_at_parking/
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You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?

Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!
Merry Christmas everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m1grr/you_know_why_the_gates_of_heaven_are_always_left/
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m1f6j/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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Do all black people have a problem with slavery ?

Or just mine ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m1eza/do_all_black_people_have_a_problem_with_slavery/
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There was a Broadway performance about puns...

But don't get too excited. It was just a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m184a/there_was_a_broadway_performance_about_puns/
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I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid.

He says he can stop anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m17hy/i_know_a_guy_who_is_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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Q: What do you call a doggo magician?

A labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m15ac/q_what_do_you_call_a_doggo_magician/
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Gabriel's horn is a geometric figure which has infinite surface area but finite volume

This is in contrast to a vuvuzela which has a finite surface area but infinite volume

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m140q/gabriels_horn_is_a_geometric_figure_which_has/
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A reindeer walked into a bar in the deep South

He bellied up to the counter, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the $20 bill from the reindeer's hoof. As the bartender handed the reindeer his change, he said,
"You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said,
"Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll ever see in here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m13vc/a_reindeer_walked_into_a_bar_in_the_deep_south/
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A lesbian walks into a bar

She takes a seat, and the bartender asks, "Would you like to try our new liquor?"
"Sure!" she says, "I'd love to meet her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m1366/a_lesbian_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two silkworms had a race...

They ended up in a tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m12k5/two_silkworms_had_a_race/
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You can't explain a pun to a kleptomaniac.

They take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m1245/you_cant_explain_a_pun_to_a_kleptomaniac/
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How many roosters do you need to wake up one guy?

A cock a dude'll do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m0zpw/how_many_roosters_do_you_need_to_wake_up_one_guy/
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I once met a girl with 12 nipples

Sounds weird, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m0zg0/i_once_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
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I made snow angels this Christmas...

My car skidded on the ice and I hit 3 pedestrians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m0z8k/i_made_snow_angels_this_christmas/
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What are the meanings of popular Christmas songs?

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - It's not okay to be different, unless your difference happens to be a super power. Then it's okay.
The 12 Days of Christmas - If you love someone you have to not only get them an expensive gift, but you have to give them a lot of expensive gifts.
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer - A man murders his wife and using the magic of "Christmas spirit" convinces his family she was run over by a reindeer.
It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year - The rest of the year sucks. Christmas is good because people buy you stuff.
White Christmas - Guy is hoping his coke connect comes through in time for Christmas.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Woman cheats on her husband and when her daughter catches her, she claims it was Santa Claus.
Santa Baby - A woman wants to get fucked in the ass by Santa. "So hurry down the chimney tonight".
All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth - A girl gets physically abused to the point her front teeth get knocked out. Now all she wants are some replacements.
Little Drummer Boy - Jesus wasn't born on Christmas and this is a known fact. So who are they referring to when they say "Our newborn king has come"? The anti-Christ.
Baby it's Cold Outside - A creepy man attempts to coerce an unwilling woman into spending the night at his place by trapping her and convincing her not to leave.
**Merry Christmas, and happy holidays. God bless us, everyone. Or something.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m0ygc/what_are_the_meanings_of_popular_christmas_songs/
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An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"

The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."
Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."
The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"
Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m0uvk/an_exasperated_and_weary_joseph_asked_the/
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Its easy to distract fat people

It's a piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m0ump/its_easy_to_distract_fat_people/
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What's Donald Trump's favorite Christmas song?

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas ♫

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m0tdj/whats_donald_trumps_favorite_christmas_song/
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You guys hear about the half of a mermaid that washed up on shore?

It's only a tale...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m0n76/you_guys_hear_about_the_half_of_a_mermaid_that/
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It's 1917 and at this point, the Great War could go either way...

British generals were growing concerned when one day a bright chap came up with an idea.
"What's a common German name?" said Pvt Smith.
One of his mates pipes up, "Schultz is fairly common."
So the two soldiers crept to the edge of their trench and called over the top, "HEY SCHULTZ!"
What do you know, but a a short, fat, German man pops out of his own trench and cries out, "JAAAA!?"
*BOOM*
The British boys begin to hoot and hollar as the German is blown away. So they keep doing it. But now the Germans are growing concerned. One day, a bright hun comes up with an idea.
"Vat ist ein common Englisher name?" he asked.
"Smith ist very common, ja." replied a comrade.
So the two German soldiers crept up to the edge of their trench and called over the top, "HEY SMITH!"
There was silence. Then a moment later another shout came back over the trench.
"HEY SCHULTZ, THAT YOU!?"
"JAAAAA!?"
*BOOM*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m0k4l/its_1917_and_at_this_point_the_great_war_could_go/
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Every morning for 18 years, when I left the house, I’d kiss my wife goodbye.

Then when I left the wife, I kissed my house goodbye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m0j8g/every_morning_for_18_years_when_i_left_the_house/
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Hipsters like to do things that nobody else has done.

If only suicide wasn't a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m0fx0/hipsters_like_to_do_things_that_nobody_else_has/
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Why don't Germans mind when you give them a bad gift?

Because they've been bratwurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m0ajb/why_dont_germans_mind_when_you_give_them_a_bad/
%
Barber gets arrested.

A barber got arrested in my area for being a drug dealer, I was shook. I’ve been his customer for years and I never knew he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m09tx/barber_gets_arrested/
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If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber!

Just kidding; if you were a vegetable, I’d pull the plug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m09k4/if_you_were_a_vegetable_youd_be_a_cutecumber/
%
Native American run deep in my bloodline. That’s why I can’t grow facial hair.

I have Apache beard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m096i/native_american_run_deep_in_my_bloodline_thats/
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Apparently, even saying "black paint" is considered racist...

You're supposed to say, "Leeroy, would you please paint the fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m07pt/apparently_even_saying_black_paint_is_considered/
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C, E Flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m05nk/c_e_flat_and_g_walk_into_a_bar/
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Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m03kk/dentist_this_will_hurt_a_little/
%
Why did the chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m02ed/why_did_the_chicken_coop_have_2_doors/
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The Dog Pound

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane.  The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat.  Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master' shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."
The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing."
"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.
"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m027k/the_dog_pound/
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After having not made love to the wife for months, I couldn't believe it when I woke up this Christmas morning to a surprise blowjob, that quickly turned into hot anal sex!

I really didn't enjoy it nearly as much as my cellmate, though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m022d/after_having_not_made_love_to_the_wife_for_months/
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What's the difference between your paycheck and your Penis?

I can find you a woman who will blow your paycheck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m00qz/whats_the_difference_between_your_paycheck_and/
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Today i asked this hot girl at my gym what her new years resolution was...

She said "fuck you" so I'm pretty excited about 2018

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7m00og/today_i_asked_this_hot_girl_at_my_gym_what_her/
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Chemist Shop

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for
a 310 a 320 or a 330. The word condom won’t even be used.”
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.
"Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzy1o/chemist_shop/
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What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLLL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzvou/what_did_the_bad_soccer_announcer_get_for/
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Started a new job as a delivery man today...

When I got to my first address, there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, "Dear Mr Delivery Man, we're out, please hide in garage."
That was eight hours ago and still nobody's found me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzsgi/started_a_new_job_as_a_delivery_man_today/
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What did Santa say, when he saw your mom, sister, and girlfriend in the same room?

Merry Christmas ladies!
Don’t wanna spoil Christmas with a bad joke.
Merry Christmas people:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzrop/what_did_santa_say_when_he_saw_your_mom_sister/
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I used to confuse penises and testicles...

But then I realized there is a vas deferens between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzppj/i_used_to_confuse_penises_and_testicles/
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Coworkers are like Christmas lights.

They all hang together, but half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzpdr/coworkers_are_like_christmas_lights/
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Oh Henry !

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.
She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.
The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.
After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.
"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."
"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"
"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."
"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzomo/oh_henry/
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What do you call a rooster staring at a piece of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzo6q/what_do_you_call_a_rooster_staring_at_a_piece_of/
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The driest, most esoteric joke I know.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies I don't think I am" "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzn8q/the_driest_most_esoteric_joke_i_know/
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A man is out tilling his field behind his mule...

It’s a very hot day and the man is toiling away, sweating as he follows his mule controlling the plow up and down his field. His wife comes out to talk and says “When you get done with this field and return home tonight don’t forget about the leak under the kitchen sink, the window in the bathroom is stuck, the deck needs painting and the pothole in the driveway is getting deeper by the day. And the dam nails in the deck caught my dress this morning and ripped it, so they need pounding down as well”. The man, being as tired and hot as he was, finally had it. He jerked the lines on his mule and the mule lashed out and kicked the woman in the dead. Dead on the spot.
Later that week at the funeral the minister is watching from a corner and sees the man at the casket of his wife. The procession of attendees is lined up offering the man their condolences. The minister notices that with every woman that walks by the man nods his head up and down but with every man that walks by the man shakes head in negativity. Finally the minister decides to ask the man exactly what is happening between the women and the men attendees. The man replies to the minister “Well, the women are all offering their condolences and telling me how sorry they are. The men are all just asking “Is that mule for sale?” “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzm34/a_man_is_out_tilling_his_field_behind_his_mule/
%
They say people are more likely to kill themselves if a close friend or family has recently committed suicide...

So this year, I'm giving the gift that keeps on giving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzjw7/they_say_people_are_more_likely_to_kill/
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So a turtle gets mugged by two snails...

So a turtle gets mugged by two snails and the police officer asks, “What happened?”
The turtle replies, “I don’t know it happened so fast.”
Merry Christmas and happy holidays, Reddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzjvx/so_a_turtle_gets_mugged_by_two_snails/
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The Scrabble museum was robbed last night.

the curators are at a loss for words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzih2/the_scrabble_museum_was_robbed_last_night/
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A little boy gets $5 for his birthday

He runs with it to the candy store and asks for $5 worth of candy.
The man behind the counter asks, “do you really think it’s wise to spend all your birthday money on candy?”
The little boy thinks about it for a moment and replies, “well, my grandpa did live to be 94...”
“By eating candy everyday?” Asks the man, astounded.
“No,” replies the little boy, “by minding his own goddamn business.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzfud/a_little_boy_gets_5_for_his_birthday/
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I'm going to make a necrophilia joke

And if the audience is dead, fuck them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzf1j/im_going_to_make_a_necrophilia_joke/
%
I was in a casino on the roulette machine last night, when the man standing next to me turned to me and said, "Black, 27."

I shook his hand and said, "White, 23."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzdao/i_was_in_a_casino_on_the_roulette_machine_last/
%
A family moves into their new house.

Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place. “It’s terrific,” he says. “I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzbrz/a_family_moves_into_their_new_house/
%
A highway patrol officer pulls a car over for going too slow on the interstate.

A highway patrol officer pulls a car over for going too slow on the interstate and, stepping up to the window, finds it to be occupied by two little old ladies.
The driver is calm as ever, but the woman in the passenger seat is shaking violently.
The officer looks to the driver and says, “Did you not realize you were on the interstate? Why were you going so slow?”
Gesturing to a nearby sign, the driver says, “I was going 25 miles an hour. The speed limit is 30.”
The officer shakes his head and responds, “That’s not the speed limit. You’re on interstate 30!”
“Ah,” the driver says. “My mistake, officer. I’ll just be on my way.”
“Wait!” the officer interrupts. “Why is your passenger so terrified?”
The driver says, “She won’t tell me! All she does is shake, and she’s been like this since we got off I-140!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lzakp/a_highway_patrol_officer_pulls_a_car_over_for/
%
Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night before Christmas
And All Through the house
Everyone Felt Shitty
Even the Mouse
Mom on the Toilet
Dad smoking grass
I had just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the Roof
I heard such a clatter
I spring from my piece to see what was the matter.
Out on the Roof I saw some old prick.
I knew in a moment
it must be ST. Nick.
He came down the Chimney
Like a bat out of hell.
I knew in a second
the fucker had fell.
He filled all the stockings
with whiskey and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother, the queer.
He rose up the chimney
With a thundering fart
the son of a bitch
blew my chimney apart
he swore and he cussed
as he rode out of sight.
Piss on you all
Its been a hell of a Night!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lz9zf/twas_the_night_before_christmas/
%
How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

Nothing, it's on the house!
(Thanks grandad for this)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lz964/how_much_does_santas_sleigh_cost/
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What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

Turn it into a tire and call it a Goodyear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lz55z/what_do_you_do_with_365_used_rubbers/
%
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lz3zo/what_do_you_call_cows_that_have_a_sense_of_humor/
%
An old man and his wife are in bed.

After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”
The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”
A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”
Furious about losing, the wife rips another fart and yells out, “The score is tied!”
The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose. He strains incredibly hard, but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed. The wife hears the noise and asks, “What in the world was that noise?”
The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lz2yk/an_old_man_and_his_wife_are_in_bed/
%
The police arrested two insane vagrants in an alley yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lz0ne/the_police_arrested_two_insane_vagrants_in_an/
%
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyzgn/my_wife_walked_in_on_me_masturbating_to_an/
%
The owner of a racehorse is angry

because the horse he paid so much money for has yet to win a race.
“Listen to me,” the man says, grabbing the horse by the harness. “You’d better win this race or you’ll be working the farm tomorrow.”
The horses line up in the gates, the starting gun sounds, and the gate is removed. All of the horses take off for the finish line, except the owner’s horse. He is fast asleep in his starting pen.
“What the heck do you think you’re doing?” the owner yells at the horse.
“I’m grabbing some rest,” says the horse. “I’ve got to work the farm early tomorrow morning.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyygx/the_owner_of_a_racehorse_is_angry/
%
I found some leftover candy canes from last year that were still in their packaging.

They were in mint condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyyf5/i_found_some_leftover_candy_canes_from_last_year/
%
What do you call a Muslim on a toilet?

Islamic Relief

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyxoh/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_on_a_toilet/
%
A man walks into his bedroom with a chicken...

and stares at his wife sitting in bed.
"Hey honey, heres the pig I fuck when you have a headache" said the man.
"Thats a chicken you dumb bastard" said the wife.
"I wasn't talking to you." the answer came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lywij/a_man_walks_into_his_bedroom_with_a_chicken/
%
What do a grenade and a woman have in common?

You remove the ring and your whole house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyw9a/what_do_a_grenade_and_a_woman_have_in_common/
%
I was hacked by Russia



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyvku/i_was_hacked_by_russia/
%
Please becareful on the roads

Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lytlm/please_becareful_on_the_roads/
%
Who was Rudolph's often snubbed, always forgotten brother?

Olof the other reindeer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyszy/who_was_rudolphs_often_snubbed_always_forgotten/
%
I finally figured out my wife's favorite time to have sex:

Tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lys3p/i_finally_figured_out_my_wifes_favorite_time_to/
%
If I was Jesus I’m not sure what would make me angrier..

The fact that everyone is making my birthday about them
or that my dad isn’t real

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyqcg/if_i_was_jesus_im_not_sure_what_would_make_me/
%
How did the pancake become the king?

He u-syruped the throne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lypsz/how_did_the_pancake_become_the_king/
%
Why can’t Horses work in Congress?

Because they only ever vote, “NEEEEIIIIGGGGHHH”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lypfd/why_cant_horses_work_in_congress/
%
Why is there 1 less letter in the alphabet at Christmas

Because there is noel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyosv/why_is_there_1_less_letter_in_the_alphabet_at/
%
A guy is swerving all over the road late one night

A cop notices this, and promptly pulls him over. The cop asks “Why were you swerving like that?!” The guy replies “Well officer, there were these trees that kept popping out in front of me and I had to keep swerving to avoid them!” The officer chuckles and says “Sir, that’s your car freshener!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lynz3/a_guy_is_swerving_all_over_the_road_late_one_night/
%
How is a mini skirt like a fence?

They both protect the property but they don’t spoil the view

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lymz3/how_is_a_mini_skirt_like_a_fence/
%
Did you hear about the new Christmas restaurant downtown?

They have an eggs Benedict dish that they service on car hub caps - it’s called “there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise”
Credit to Colin Mochrie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyk45/did_you_hear_about_the_new_christmas_restaurant/
%
What do you call slutty girls from Idaho?

Tater thots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyjji/what_do_you_call_slutty_girls_from_idaho/
%
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyjfq/twas_the_night_before_christmas_and_all_through/
%
We got this puzzle for for Christmas that said 6-12 months.

Jokes on them it only took me an hour and a half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyiqi/we_got_this_puzzle_for_for_christmas_that_said/
%
What did the genetic engineer say on December 25th?

Merry CRISPRmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyhyt/what_did_the_genetic_engineer_say_on_december_25th/
%
Did you hear about the Christmas version of Star Wars?

It began "A long time ago, in a Galilee far, far away..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lyfup/did_you_hear_about_the_christmas_version_of_star/
%
I was so poor growing up

If I wasn't a boy, I would've had nothing to play with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lya4i/i_was_so_poor_growing_up/
%
A Jewish Lady was stranded

A JEWISH LADY named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews.
Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ly6xh/a_jewish_lady_was_stranded/
%
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ly6a0/my_girlfriend_is_always_yelling_at_me_because_i/
%
What do you call a Himalayan sniper?

A sherpshooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ly30e/what_do_you_call_a_himalayan_sniper/
%
Could you imagine a market in the Middle East?

Because that would be bazaar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxz2p/could_you_imagine_a_market_in_the_middle_east/
%
Went on a date with a girl. The date lasted until I found out she had lost all of the toes on her left foot in a horrible accident.

I guess you could say that I'm lack toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxxmw/went_on_a_date_with_a_girl_the_date_lasted_until/
%
What do a bad tire and this reddit post have in common?

Neither are likely to get much traction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxx2x/what_do_a_bad_tire_and_this_reddit_post_have_in/
%
The last time I was someone's type....

I was donating blood...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxwox/the_last_time_i_was_someones_type/
%
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxw2i/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Three guys are fishing in the Carribean.

One guy says, “I had a terrible fire and lost everything. Now the insurance is paying for everything, and that’s why I am here.”
The second guy says, “I had a terrible explosion. I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that’s why I am here.”
The third guy says, “What a coincidence! I had a terrible flood; I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that’s why I’m here!”
The other two guys turn to him with confusion and ask, “Flood? How do you start a flood?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxv0x/three_guys_are_fishing_in_the_carribean/
%
Presents are like penises

The size of the package matters less than the size of the smile on the recipient’s face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxv02/presents_are_like_penises/
%
Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking

And their wives are driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxswq/hey_everyone_be_careful_on_the_road_this_holiday/
%
Did you know pigeons die during sex?

At leased the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxs3v/did_you_know_pigeons_die_during_sex/
%
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it’s raining," says the man.
"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxrid/a_couple_is_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
%
An old friend called asking to borrow $350 that way she could pay her rent before Christmas.

I told her I’d have to check and see how much I had in the bank and I’d call her back.
A few moments later her cousin called and asked if I’d heard from barb.
I explained she had called asking for money to pay for her rent.
Her cousin said that she was lying that the money she was needing was to bail her boyfriend out of jail where they’d be under the same roof for the holidays.
Frustrated I hung up and thought for a minute and thinking about the holidays I called barb back and told her to come get the money.
A couple hours after she left she called from the jail and asked wtf I was thinking giving her counterfeit money.
I told her she wanted to be with her boyfriend for Christmas I was just helping her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxqr7/an_old_friend_called_asking_to_borrow_350_that/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxqpd/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxmas/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I’m finally 5 years clean!

Having to get a shower every day has been hard - luckily, I’ve had my heroin addiction to help me through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxjpa/im_finally_5_years_clean/
%
I married a ghost but we're in couples counseling now...

He can just be so possessive sometimes, ya know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxjb7/i_married_a_ghost_but_were_in_couples_counseling/
%
What do you call a guy who dresses up like a flower child?

A transplant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxhg0/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_dresses_up_like_a/
%
A roman walks into a bar

He holds up two fingers and says, “five beers please”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxgpg/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do women live on average two years longer?

Because the time they spend parking doesn‘t count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxcae/why_do_women_live_on_average_two_years_longer/
%
Gambling is like drugs

The dealer always wins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxai4/gambling_is_like_drugs/
%
Where do poor Italians live

In spaghettos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lxa7u/where_do_poor_italians_live/
%
What‘s a fish without an eye?

A fsh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lx9se/whats_a_fish_without_an_eye/
%
I was depressed, after some soul searching I discovered I sexually indentify as Mistletoe..

I can't wait to hang myself on Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lx9pi/i_was_depressed_after_some_soul_searching_i/
%
A guy gets a new job and finds out that his project team plays golf together every Friday morning.

His co-worker says, "Can you join us this Friday?"
He says, "Yes, I'll be there for sure, but I might be ten minutes late."
Friday comes, and he shows up on time. He golfs left-handed, and he wins.
The next Thursday, the co-worker says, "Are you coming tomorrow?"
He says, "Yep, I'll be there, but I might be ten minutes late."
Friday morning, he shows up right on time again. This time he golfs right-handed, and he wins.
Thursday comes around again, and the co-worker says, "Are you coming tomorrow?"
He says, "Yeah, I'll be there as always, but I might be ten minutes late."
In the morning, he shows up on time and golfs left-handed and wins again.
The co-worker says, "Nice job, but what's with the left-handed and right-handed?"
He says, "Oh, here's the deal. When I wake up on a golf day, I look at my wife sleeping next to me. If she's on her right side, I golf right-handed; if she's on her left side, I golf left-handed."
"What if she's on her back?"
"Then I'm ten minutes late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lx821/a_guy_gets_a_new_job_and_finds_out_that_his/
%
A blonde has achy feet, so her doctor recommends she soak them in sea water twice a day.

She's never been to the beach before, so she's glad to have a good excuse to go there.
She gets a hotel room near the beach and takes two empty buckets down to the shore. There's a lifeguard up on the stand, so she asks him, "How much for two bucketfuls of your sea water?"
Happy to make some easy money, he tells her "$10 a bucket."
She pays, fills her buckets, and goes back to the hotel to soak her feet.
Later that day, she figures she needs new water for the second soak, so she goes back to the shore with her empty buckets. The lifeguard is still there, but now the tide has gone out.
She looks up at him and says "Wow, I guess business was good today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lx64t/a_blonde_has_achy_feet_so_her_doctor_recommends/
%
Hey Santa?

Once you’re done delivering presents, can I have the naughty list?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lx5eh/hey_santa/
%
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lx2zw/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
%
I got fired from the calendar factory...

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lwzv7/i_got_fired_from_the_calendar_factory/
%
Why wasn’t the nativity in Ireland?

Because God couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lwvve/why_wasnt_the_nativity_in_ireland/
%
I don't like Santa

He gives all the expensive gifts only to the rich kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lwr8a/i_dont_like_santa/
%
What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jelly my dick up your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lwizy/whats_the_difference_between_jelly_and_jam/
%
What does 1 HP of damage in real life?

This trend, every time I see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lwggh/what_does_1_hp_of_damage_in_real_life/
%
Do you love Christmas?

Then why don’t you merry it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lwe2d/do_you_love_christmas/
%
A nun walks into Hooters... [NSFW]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walks into Hooters. The place was buzzing with music and conversation, and every once in a while the lights would go out. Each time the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers, however when the revelers saw the nun the place went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and said "may I please use the restroom?" the bartender replied "sure, but I should warn you there's a statue of a man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well in the case I shall look the other way" the nun said, so the bartender showed the nun the way to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes she came back out and the whole place erupted into a round of applause. She went to the bartender and said "sir, I don't understand, why did the give me a round of applause just for coming out of the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us" said the bartender with a wink "would you like a drink?"
"No thank you. But I still don't understand" said the puzzled nun.
"You see" the bartender laughed "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lwcx7/a_nun_walks_into_hooters_nsfw/
%
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"Because you died on Christmas," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They jingle, so they symbolize bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lwcdf/three_men_died_on_christmas_eve_and_were_met_by/
%
Where does the president of plants live?

In the Green House

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lw9jl/where_does_the_president_of_plants_live/
%
Bobby told Billy he stopped a stampede.

That was the biggest bunch of bull he ever herd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lw9em/bobby_told_billy_he_stopped_a_stampede/
%
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she starts fitting in your wife’s hand-me-downs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lw9av/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
%
I like 50 cent too.

Or as we call him here in Zimbabwe, 10 billion dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lw9as/i_like_50_cent_too/
%
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a auto worker?

Ask him to pronounce "unionized."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lw8wl/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
%
I want my password to be beef stew

but google says it’s not stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lw6ij/i_want_my_password_to_be_beef_stew/
%
How does a sheep say Merry Christmas?

Fleece navidad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lw6fq/how_does_a_sheep_say_merry_christmas/
%
California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.

Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lw41v/california_hasnt_fallen_into_the_sea_so/
%
Three logicians walk into a bar...

The bartender asks, "Do all of you want drinks?" The first logician says, "I don't know." The second logician says, "I don't know." The third logician says, "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lw3rp/three_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I was banging this nice lady……….

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lw24v/i_was_banging_this_nice_lady/
%
Whats the difference between Santa Claus and a pimp?

Santa stops at 3 HOs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvzpl/whats_the_difference_between_santa_claus_and_a/
%
"Let's procrastinate together," suggested my friend.

I said, "Maybe some other time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvydv/lets_procrastinate_together_suggested_my_friend/
%
Want to hear a funny joke about my divorce?

Me too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvxhl/want_to_hear_a_funny_joke_about_my_divorce/
%
Monday blues

Dr: what's wrong?
Bob: I'm depressed.  I don't think anyone likes me.
Dr:what makes you say that?
Bob:well I had finally had it at work so I gave everyone in the office a box of poisoned candy on friday.
Dr: that's aweful!
Bob: yeah.  I know.  The worst part is they all still came in to work that Monday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvwtr/monday_blues/
%
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvwpt/why_was_e_the_only_letter_in_the_alphabet_to_get/
%
A little girl came home from sunday school and told her dad, "Daddy, the priest made me do something naughty today"

"WHAT??? WHAT HAPPENED???", he bellowed.
"Well, he took me back to his room and told me to take off my dress" said the girl.
"AND THEN WHAT??", he asked, his face turning purple.
"He took off his robe"
"HE DID WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT?", he demanded, starting to breathe heavily
"Well, that was it" said the girl.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? MAKE SOMETHING UP, THEN, I'M ALMOST FINISHED!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvw3b/a_little_girl_came_home_from_sunday_school_and/
%
"I'm proud to be a black man"

"I'm proud to be a black man!" said the black man.
"I'm proud to be an Asian man!" said the Asian man.
"I'm proud to be a white man!" said the racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvtzb/im_proud_to_be_a_black_man/
%
A man asks a librarian a question

"Hi, do you have that book on small penises?"
"Sorry, I don't think it's in yet." She responds.
"Yeah that's the one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvtc5/a_man_asks_a_librarian_a_question/
%
My friend just found out he’s gay and dyslexic...

He’s still in daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvpr8/my_friend_just_found_out_hes_gay_and_dyslexic/
%
Recently my daughter cut herself badly with a bread knife

I immediately called 911. the operator told me to apply pressure. I said to my daughter, "When am I going to get a grandchild?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvp0k/recently_my_daughter_cut_herself_badly_with_a/
%
A dad joke

"Dad I'm hungry."
"Hi hungry, I'm dead."
"Haha, you mean dad."
"No. I have inoperable brain cancer."
"...wha-"
"I've been waiting for the right moment to tell you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvotc/a_dad_joke/
%
How does Mario talk with the dead?

With a Luigi board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvndb/how_does_mario_talk_with_the_dead/
%
I've been meeting girls off Jdate lately. They always seem to figure out I'm not Jewish when they see my willy.

I wonder if it's because of the Swastika tattoo I've got down there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvlqe/ive_been_meeting_girls_off_jdate_lately_they/
%
At Christmas we all deserve to be happy, so I got a puppy for my wife...

... it was a good trade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvlks/at_christmas_we_all_deserve_to_be_happy_so_i_got/
%
Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvl31/called_my_wife_on_her_cell_to_warn_her_about_this/
%
I like my Holy Infants the way I like my chicken wings..,

Tender and mild.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvkmr/i_like_my_holy_infants_the_way_i_like_my_chicken/
%
I don't know what to do.

"I don't know what to do." a prospect says to a patch holder one night at the club bar. "Whenever I go out with the bros, I turn off my headlight, cut off the motor, and coast into the driveway. I take off my clothes in the bathroom, and then ease into bed, but my old lady wakes up and starts bitching at me for staying out late."
"Well, prospect, you're taking the wrong approach." the patch holder schooled the youngster. "I make a lot of noise with my Harley, I slam the garage door shut, I stomp up the stairs, I burp and fart as I enter the bedroom, jump into bed, grab my old lady's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob, babe?' and she is always sound asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvk66/i_dont_know_what_to_do/
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What do the wives of Santa’s Reindeer do on Christmas Eve while Santa and the Reindeer are off delivering presents? (NSFW)

They go into town and blow a few bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvk3o/what_do_the_wives_of_santas_reindeer_do_on/
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"I need help with this crossword," yelled my girlfriend, almost in tears. "9 letters, another word for 'concentration'.

I think she's seeking attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvc7q/i_need_help_with_this_crossword_yelled_my/
%
I remember when I was younger lying there in bed waiting for Santa to come..

I also remember the awkward silence while waiting for him to get dressed and leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lvbeq/i_remember_when_i_was_younger_lying_there_in_bed/
%
How do you tell if there's a Russian at a cock fight?

He brings the orange
How can you tell if there's Russian Mafia at the cockfight?
He bets on the orange
How can you tell if Putin is at the cockfight?
The orange wins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lva5i/how_do_you_tell_if_theres_a_russian_at_a_cock/
%
Pierre, the French pilot

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says:
"Pierre kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's Lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says:
"Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers:
"Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously:
"Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Pierre stands up, defiantly, and says:
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lv7h4/pierre_the_french_pilot/
%
What crappy thing is guaranteed to occur in the middle of a Saturday?

A 'turd'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lv5mi/what_crappy_thing_is_guaranteed_to_occur_in_the/
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Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lv4ah/christmas_joke_nsfw/
%
What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lv40m/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_who_just/
%
Apparently in London, someone gets stabbed every 50 seconds

Poor bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lv2e9/apparently_in_london_someone_gets_stabbed_every/
%
With great reflexes...

comes great response abilities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lv1yv/with_great_reflexes/
%
My Chinese son was born before his due date

We called him Sudden Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7luydz/my_chinese_son_was_born_before_his_due_date/
%
A layperson and a pastor walked into the heaven. The layperson was greeted by Saint Peter, while the pastor is greeted by Jesus.

The layperson got pissed off and asked, "Even in heaven you discriminate people?"
Saint Peter apologized, "Please understand him. It's been a while since the last time a pastor make it to heaven."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7luxxs/a_layperson_and_a_pastor_walked_into_the_heaven/
%
A man goes to a barber for a shave

While the barber is lathering him up, the man admits to having a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
''Here, try this'', says the barber, pulling a small wooden ball from a drawer. '' Place the ball between your right cheek and gum and I'll show you how close a shave can be.''
The man does so and the barber shaves away.
''Wow,'' exclaims the man, ''that is great!'' He then asks with a muffled voice, ''What happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?''
''No problems,'' replies the barber. ''Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7luuwd/a_man_goes_to_a_barber_for_a_shave/
%
Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury.  However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they might have to amputate my right foot.''
Wife : ''Who's Paula?''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7luuhm/husband_says_honey_its_me_i_dont_want_to_alarm/
%
What’s the difference between my brother and eggs?

Eggs get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lur44/whats_the_difference_between_my_brother_and_eggs/
%
It was Christmas Eve and my wife came home after a busy day of shopping...

As we were getting undressed for bed, I noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
"What's that?" I asked.
"I went to a tattoo parlor today and on the inside of one leg, I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas' and on the inside of the other one, they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
Perplexed, I asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well..." she replied. "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lupb8/it_was_christmas_eve_and_my_wife_came_home_after/
%
Did you hear the one about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7luoa2/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_insomniac_agnostic/
%
When Santa fell off the sled and broke his leg, he knew he would be well looked after

You see Santa had private elfcare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7luhcl/when_santa_fell_off_the_sled_and_broke_his_leg_he/
%
My good deed for the day.

This morning at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out in that situation. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lu8ut/my_good_deed_for_the_day/
%
What happened when the red ship crashed into the blue ship?

The crews were marooned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lu8c1/what_happened_when_the_red_ship_crashed_into_the/
%
I shoplifted 23 cans of Pepsi from the store and got arrested, but the judge dropped the charge

He knew i stole 23 cans of Pepsi, but he said that doesn't make a case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lu6ut/i_shoplifted_23_cans_of_pepsi_from_the_store_and/
%
Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lu6gh/why_did_the_hipster_drown/
%
Two guys are looking for a christmas tree in the woods...

They've been walking through the thick snow for about an hour and one of the guys says:
"Ah screw it! Lets just take that big one over there. So what if it doesn't have decorations?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lu6eo/two_guys_are_looking_for_a_christmas_tree_in_the/
%
After I had my colonoscopy, the proctologist asked if I had any questions.

Apparently "Do you do birthday parties?" was the wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lu67s/after_i_had_my_colonoscopy_the_proctologist_asked/
%
At a party I dropped my watch.

I looked around and saw a guy harassing a girl for sex while standing on my watch. I went over and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lu5h6/at_a_party_i_dropped_my_watch/
%
At one point in World War II, Hitler actually couldn’t find his moustache

Turned out to be right under his nose the whole damn time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lu4ba/at_one_point_in_world_war_ii_hitler_actually/
%
Why do Mexican kids eat tamales on Christmas?

So they can have something to unwrap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lu2oj/why_do_mexican_kids_eat_tamales_on_christmas/
%
My girlfriend accused me of cheating...

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lu1ah/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
%
How do Mexicans feel about Trump’s wall?

They’ll get over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lu029/how_do_mexicans_feel_about_trumps_wall/
%
A broken drum is the best gift for Christmas

You just can't beat it.
On the other hand, a wife would be the worst gift because you definitely can...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lty3i/a_broken_drum_is_the_best_gift_for_christmas/
%
I guess you could say the iPhone X...

Really has a top-notch display

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ltwlt/i_guess_you_could_say_the_iphone_x/
%
Whats the difference between a mod on r/Jokes and a mod on r/Pyongyang?

The Pyongyang mod does their job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ltvi5/whats_the_difference_between_a_mod_on_rjokes_and/
%
I don't enjoy eating ass...

The entire concept just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ltv2s/i_dont_enjoy_eating_ass/
%
What is Al qaeda's favorite football team?

The New York Jets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ltrvs/what_is_al_qaedas_favorite_football_team/
%
A miner said he could make anyone laugh

He showed me something
And I immediately burst out laughing
What was it?
A shiny yellow stone
It was comedy gold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ltmij/a_miner_said_he_could_make_anyone_laugh/
%
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both like to pop open a nice cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ltlso/what_do_an_alcoholic_and_a_necrophiliac_have_in/
%
I got a job talking about religion

So far it's been very prophetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ltlc4/i_got_a_job_talking_about_religion/
%
A woman walked into a bar and said to the barman, ‘I’d like a Double Entendre.’

So he gave her one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ltjeh/a_woman_walked_into_a_bar_and_said_to_the_barman/
%
How does Darth Vader know what he's getting for Christmas?

He feels his presents
(This is my only Christmas joke and I am deeply ashamed of that)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ltiah/how_does_darth_vader_know_what_hes_getting_for/
%
If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it.....

It's still fowl language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lthg2/if_your_phone_auto_corrects_fuck_to_duck_its_okay/
%
Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lth3v/honey_remember_how_when_we_started_dating_you/
%
A guy walks into a bar

and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ltest/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do you know you have a really bad case of acne?

When the blind try to read your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lter2/how_do_you_know_you_have_a_really_bad_case_of_acne/
%
What’s the difference between a sock and a camera?

One is for five toes, the other is for photos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ltd66/whats_the_difference_between_a_sock_and_a_camera/
%
Teach a man to build a fire, keep him warm for a night...

...light a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lt892/teach_a_man_to_build_a_fire_keep_him_warm_for_a/
%
I had this long fungi joke...

...but I don't have enough shroom to type it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lt6vm/i_had_this_long_fungi_joke/
%
What do you do with an orange in a church?

You pulpit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lt52c/what_do_you_do_with_an_orange_in_a_church/
%
Affordable houses.

Only 90's kids don't get this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lt4hk/affordable_houses/
%
I don't know what trickle down economics is...

But I know when I'm getting pissed on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lt46m/i_dont_know_what_trickle_down_economics_is/
%
What's the speed limit of sex?

68 because one was you hit 69, your have to turn around!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lt402/whats_the_speed_limit_of_sex/
%
My boss is a doctor...

and the other day he came down on me for leaving a patients file on my desk while i went to the restroom. This was only days after he accidentally used unencrypted email to send other patients' records through our office.
So I called him a HIPAA-crit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lt27z/my_boss_is_a_doctor/
%
When Nintendo come out with a new version of the switch will the current one become...

The old switcheroo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lt273/when_nintendo_come_out_with_a_new_version_of_the/
%
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.

Anus**
Dang autocorrect!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lt26d/for_christmas_i_bought_my_wife_new_beads_for_her/
%
is google male or female?

female: because it refuses to let me finish a sentence before making suggestions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lt1en/is_google_male_or_female/
%
So a candy pirate walks into my candy shop...

He walks up to the counter and asks for a gumdrop, so I ask him, "Why would you want gum that's been dropped? But in all seriousness, we are out of gumdrops."
So he asks what else we have here. I tell him,
"We have candy fish."
He says, "Candy fish? Are they sweet?"
I reply, "Well. They're *Swedish!*"
At this point, he's getting upset and makes me go outside and go onto his pirate ship. He pushes me on the plank and tells me to walk it.
I ask, "Don't you think you're going a little overboard?"
He says, "No. But you are!"
Right before I jump off, I ask him one last thing.
I request, "Before I jump, can I have one last mug of rootbeer?"
He says, "I don't see why not"
So he gives me the mug of rootbeer and both the rootbeer and I jump. And I would have drowned had it not been for one thing...
~
~
~
~
~
~
***Rootbeer floats!***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lsuso/so_a_candy_pirate_walks_into_my_candy_shop/
%
My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.
Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lstro/my_darling_asked_me_what_i_wanted_for_xmas_and_i/
%
What did the beaver say to Satan?

Well, I'll be dammed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lsskg/what_did_the_beaver_say_to_satan/
%
Your adorable!

She texted me: Your adorable!
I replied: No. You're adorable!
Now she likes me a lot... All I did was point out her typo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lsro6/your_adorable/
%
You should always bring two pairs of pants golfing.

Just in case you get a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lsq07/you_should_always_bring_two_pairs_of_pants_golfing/
%
When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lspdp/when_my_grandpa_died_he_farted_and_we_thought_he/
%
What happened when I lost my balance on Paris's most famous landmark?

Eiffel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lsovl/what_happened_when_i_lost_my_balance_on_pariss/
%
Why do Catholics eat the body of Christ?

It’s Saviory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lsmyr/why_do_catholics_eat_the_body_of_christ/
%
Why is the Hulk a bad journalist?

He is not credible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lskb9/why_is_the_hulk_a_bad_journalist/
%
When I was a kid, I only had two friends and they were imaginary.

It was too bad they only ever played with each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lsjbl/when_i_was_a_kid_i_only_had_two_friends_and_they/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lshz8/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
%
A man finds a bottle with a genie inside.

*poof* “I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?”
“I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!”
The genie scoffs. “Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.”
The man thinks for a moment. “Hmmm, then I wish that I could actually understand  women.”
“Do you want two lanes or four?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lsfeh/a_man_finds_a_bottle_with_a_genie_inside/
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I call the sunshine cracker company every year at this time and request they sell Cheez-its shrunk to 1/4th their original size.

I request they market them as "Sweet little baby Cheez-its."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lsdpk/i_call_the_sunshine_cracker_company_every_year_at/
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What do you call it when you get your dick stuck in an Apple product?

A Steve Job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lsbq9/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_your_dick_stuck/
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What do you call a pachyderm who doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ls8ib/what_do_you_call_a_pachyderm_who_doesnt_matter/
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What's it called when someone kills a bee?

A buzz kill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ls7jv/whats_it_called_when_someone_kills_a_bee/
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What would George Washington say if you told him that in 2017 it's now possible to eat breakfast in Tokyo, lunch in Paris, and dinner in Chicago?

"WTF is Chicago?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ls4qo/what_would_george_washington_say_if_you_told_him/
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The definition of success is different for different ages

5 year old-Not peeing in your pants at night
12 years old-Having a lot friends
16 years old-Being able to drive
20 years old-Having a lot of sex
34 years old-Having a lot of money
54 years old-Having a lot of sex
65 years old-Being able to drive
70 years old-Having a lot of friends
75 years old-Not peeing in your pants at night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ls3dq/the_definition_of_success_is_different_for/
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Why are firetrucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always “Russian" around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ls2f8/why_are_firetrucks_red/
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Friend: This might be my grandma's last Christmas

Me: why? Is she sick?
Friend: no, she's changing religions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ls2ap/friend_this_might_be_my_grandmas_last_christmas/
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The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender
“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped
“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”
“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the point of living!”
“Yeah, what IS the point of living” the bartender grumbled
The Redditor then sat there for what felt like hours, pondering the meaning of his pitiful existence. Over the later days, he began to become erratic, asking Scientists, Men of God and even random strangers what they thought the purpose of living is.
Unsatisfied with all his answers, he climbs to the side of a bridge in hopes of throwing himself off. His feet where on the edge and he was about to jump when and old man taps his side and says to him
“Do not jump. I know the answers you seek. Look to the stars and continue onwards”
The old man the shuffled off without another word.
With renewed hope swelling in his chest, he gathers all his life savings and builds a rocket ship. Tirelessly, he worked day and night for many, many years until it was finished.
Immediately he jumped in and launched off towards the stars, aimlessly wandering space for so long that the passage of time had slipped from his grasp, until he landed on another planet inhabited by alien creatures.
Clambering out of the ship, he desperately asked each alien who came across his path
“Do you know? Do you know the purpose of living?”
The alien creatures could not understand what he was saying, but understood that glint of questions in his eyes like so many others that have come past. They pointed him to a nearby comet that was orbiting the planet. He climbed back into the rocket and shot off to the comet.
Upon landing, he realises that the ball of ice is completely barren, so he then decides to dig.
So he digs and he digs and he digs, but the Redditor was now an old man and those years of searching where finally taking his toll on him.
But as he gets to the center, he finds a piece of parchment with something written on it. The Redditor could feel that these were his last breaths but he was so close to the answer that plagued him his entire life.
The parchment simply read
“OP’s Mom”
The Redditor gave a faint chuckle
“The real joke is always in the comets”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lrvs2/the_meaning_of_life/
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Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lrr3a/some_of_us_live_thousands_of_miles_away_from_most/
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Meta joke

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a good joke." So the guy says "What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lroqd/meta_joke/
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I came up with my New Year’s resolution. I will be more of an optimist

But I know that won’t happen. Something will go wrong, and I’ll fail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lrial/i_came_up_with_my_new_years_resolution_i_will_be/
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On the night of his inauguration, Trump is visited by three ghosts.

Early in the night, FDR appears. When Trump asks him how he can make America great, FDR replies “Think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets.” Trump’s face sours, and he yells “FAKE NEWS!”
A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Trump asks “how can I make America great again?” Washington replies “I would suggest you never tell a lie”, which infuriates Trump.
Around three in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks “how can I make America great again?”. Lincoln responds, “go to the theater.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lrher/on_the_night_of_his_inauguration_trump_is_visited/
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What's a Mexicans favorite sport?

Cross country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lrf87/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
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Why is Santa so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lrecj/why_is_santa_so_jolly/
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Best joke I have heard in a few months... let's see if I can do it justice!

A guy enters a Halloween party just in his pants.
Guy 1: what are you dressed as?
Guy 2: I came as pre mature ejaculation!
Guy 1: okay? Why don't you have a shirt or shoes?
Guy 2: well, I just came in my pants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lreag/best_joke_i_have_heard_in_a_few_months_lets_see/
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What do you call the extra skin around a vagina?

A woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lre3q/what_do_you_call_the_extra_skin_around_a_vagina/
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What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lrdxm/what_do_you_call_a_reluctant_potato/
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Did you hear about the talking book?

It speaks volumes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lrcwr/did_you_hear_about_the_talking_book/
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I had such a massive hangover this morning, I just stood in the shower for nearly an hour...

Then I summoned the strength to turn it on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lrbx3/i_had_such_a_massive_hangover_this_morning_i_just/
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Why did Santa get divorced?

His wife found out that he went to other women’s houses when he said he was working

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lrau5/why_did_santa_get_divorced/
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My wife hasn't been feeling very festive lately, but I've gotten her a present that will help her to discover the true meaning of Christmas...

A dictionary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lrap9/my_wife_hasnt_been_feeling_very_festive_lately/
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What do you call an adult male who believes that a man with a white beard hands out stuff for free?

A communist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lr9kg/what_do_you_call_an_adult_male_who_believes_that/
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A poor man decides to write a letter to God, asking for some money...

In the letter, he writes that he works very hard but can never make enough. He pleads to God that even $100 would make him extremely happy.
The next day he goes to the post office, hands in his letter, and leaves with high hopes. The person sorting all the mail notices the envelope addressed to God. Confused, he stamps the letter to be returned to the poor man’s house.
Later that week, as the mailman comes to the poor man’s house to deliver his mail, he also notices the letter addressed to God. The mailman reads the letter and feels bad for the poor man, so he decides to get $50 out of his wallet and put it in the envelope. He puts the envelope in the poor man’s mailbox and continues on with his day, feeling great for helping a man in need.
The next week, when the mailman reaches the poor man’s house again, he notices yet another letter from the poor man to God. He opens the envelope and reads the letter:
“Dear God,
Thank you so much for the money you sent me last week, but you should know that my thieving mailman stole half of what you had sent me!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lr5bj/a_poor_man_decides_to_write_a_letter_to_god/
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Is your name jingle bells?

Because you look like you go all the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lr3kz/is_your_name_jingle_bells/
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I asked my wife if she wanted to play Snowstorm...

Her: How do you play?
Me: Take off your clothes, lay down, and pretend to be a highway in the middle of a snowstorm.
Her: And then what?
Me: I'll plow you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqzu2/i_asked_my_wife_if_she_wanted_to_play_snowstorm/
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My sister once told me I was her incest brother

She's really sweet, despite her dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqycf/my_sister_once_told_me_i_was_her_incest_brother/
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Official joke of r/iamverysmart

Knock Knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To *whom*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqwvm/official_joke_of_riamverysmart/
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Did you hear about the Italian chef?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lquxw/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef/
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My wife says I only have two faults...

...I don't listen, and something else...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqt7z/my_wife_says_i_only_have_two_faults/
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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqsog/a_flight_is_on_its_way_to_sydney_when_a_blonde_in/
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The horse who could play Hendrix

There once was a horse who lived in a barn not too far from the city. This horse had one passion, playing the guitar. The horse would play his guitar all the time and his favorite artist to listen to was Jimi Hendrix. This horse LOVED Jimi and knew every single one of his songs by heart. One day he said to himself "I want to start a Jimi Hendrix cover band and people all around the globe will get to see how awesome Jimi's music really was!"
So, he went around the barn and looked for animals that could play bass and drums and be on vocals. Boy was he in luck because the first animal to respond to his request was another Hendrix fan. This fan was a cow and knew how to play bass very well. The horse and the cow got along great and the cow already knew some of Hendrix's songs by heart too! So, now the horse and the cow had to look for someone who would be willing to play drums and sing. They came across a lamb who could really wail on the drums; and sure enough, the lamb was in and wanted to be a part of this Jimi Hendrix cover band. Now, said the horse, we just need someone who could really belch and just be an amazing singer for our cover band to be complete. That's when the lamb said there was a chicken in one of the coupes on the far side of the farm who was very good at singing. The band raced over there and this chicken was indeed a very good singer.
But there was one problem: the chicken did not like Jimi Hendrix so much that he wanted to be a part of a tribute band for him. The horse, of course, was upset and said, "If you really don't like Jimi that much, then you can just go back into your coupe and never see the real world". The chicken glared into the horses' eyes and thought about the future and how if he does stay in the coupe he wouldn't be able to see what anything outside the farm was like. Then the chicken made up his mind and said, "I will join your Jimi Hendrix cover band, and if this band takes off and goes outside of the farm, I will have had my dream come true of being a free chicken".
A few weeks later after practicing in the barn, the band had gained so much recognition throughout the farm that even animals next door would try to sneak their way onto the land just to listen to the Jimi Hendrix cover band. This went on for sometime and eventually the band grew and began playing gigs and pubs in the city and small house parties; it was crazy. About 3 months later, the band was beginning to become very popular throughout their city and their county and then their state and then the entire midwest and even the whole country! The Jimi Hendrix cover band was so good that they were touring from Portland to Santa Cruz to Orlando to Des Moines. The cow, horse, lamb, and chicken were getting recognized throughout the nation and even the globe! Hitting top 20's on iTunes and breaking record sales, this tribute band was the best tribute band to ever be!
But not much later when the band was taking a short break from touring, the horse decided to stay in the suite up in NYC while the rest of the gang (cow, lamb, and chicken) went to Vienna, Austria for a week. All of a sudden, the horse received a call...and it was from...DAVID LETTERMAN, the best lat-night talk-show host to have ever lived! David said to the horse, "Hey, I know this is last minute, but can your band play for me in the studio tomorrow night? I know you guys are very good and I was just wondering if that would work out for you...I'll pay ya'll a bunch too".
The horse was ecstatic; this was the REAL David Letterman and he just asked if the cover band could play for him tomorrow night! The horse said that he was the only one in NYC at that time but would call back if the rest of the gang would be down for leaving Austria for NYC that night. So, David said, "That's cool, just lemme know and I'll talk to ya soon hopefully". So, the horse immediately called the rest of the band and said, "Hey guys guess what?" "What" "David Letterman freaking called me and asked if we could play for him tomorrow night! YOU IN!?" "Wow, the REAL David Letterman!?" "Yeah man" "SICK!!! we'll be at the suite soon!"
Once the band heard this news they immediately packed their bags and boarded their private jet. Meanwhile, the horse called David and said they would be able to play tomorrow to which David replied, "Excellent". But then something crazy happened as the plane was crossing the pacific; the right engine blew out and the plane started a downward spiral...
NOOOOO, shouted the crew as the plane smashed into the rough sea. Dead. All of them. The cow, chicken, lamb, and pilot. Dead.
Word spread quickly and was reported on every mainstream media: Famous Tribute Band No Longer Able to Jam, read one article minutes after the tragedy. The entire globe felt a heavy loss that hour; but it was worse for the horse, he felt so much distraught building up inside along with the sorrow of losing not just his band, but his best friends. David called and gave his condolences but that didn't change how the horse felt. He lost everything.
Months later after the horrific event, while the world went on about its business, the horse still had anguish, grief, and heartache.He slowly spiraled into a depression and began contemplating his own existence. He tried taking anti-depressants but those did nothing to help. He was now turning towards drugs and would shoot up when given the opportunity. He even started to drink and hit bars on a regular basis just to try and wash away the pain that reminisced in his heart. And one day he walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqrq4/the_horse_who_could_play_hendrix/
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What's the difference between a gentleman and a gay gentleman?

A gentleman pulls his date's chair out for her. A gay gentleman pushes his date's stool in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqqr5/whats_the_difference_between_a_gentleman_and_a/
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I want to tell you a joke about butter...

...but you have to promise you won’t spread it around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqq4u/i_want_to_tell_you_a_joke_about_butter/
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Why doesn’t the Math professor use the lift?

He wants to prove all floors exist and are real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqoma/why_doesnt_the_math_professor_use_the_lift/
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A sexual predator, a pathological liar, and a racist walk into a bar

The bartender says, “What’ll it be, Mr. President?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqkqd/a_sexual_predator_a_pathological_liar_and_a/
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What do you call an herb that sings?

Elvis Parsley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqil8/what_do_you_call_an_herb_that_sings/
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A boy gets caught cheating on a test by his substitute teacher

"you are getting a zero".
the kid looks and the sub and says "You do know who I am, don't you"
"no, and I don't care. anyone who I catch cheating gets a zero."
"A zero?" the boy says.  "I can't believe you don't know who I am." the boy says with a superior sounding voice
"You can't give ME a zero."
"I'll give you a zero, I don't care who you are. you could be the president's nephew, but you still get zero" the teacher yells.
"so you DON'T know who I AM?" the kid asks again
"no!" the exasperated substitute yells
"good" the kid says, and slips his test into the middle of the stack and walks away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqibn/a_boy_gets_caught_cheating_on_a_test_by_his/
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A beautiful woman approaches an ugly man in a bar...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be $50 for my service." The Man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The Woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be $100 for the ride here and back."
And I'm the internet, that'll be $200 for the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqgfz/a_beautiful_woman_approaches_an_ugly_man_in_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a woman with a cold and a prostitute with a photographic memory?

One blows her nose, one knows her blows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqg33/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_with_a_cold/
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What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqfs5/what_happens_if_you_dont_pay_your_exorcist/
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How does North Korea celebrate Christmas?

With missile tows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqe39/how_does_north_korea_celebrate_christmas/
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Whats the difference between Ornaments, Candy Canes, Myself, and the Star?

You don't hang the star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqdss/whats_the_difference_between_ornaments_candy/
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I watched a documentary about how ships are kept together.

Riveting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lqbcr/i_watched_a_documentary_about_how_ships_are_kept/
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The Beatles were sitting in the studio, making up ideas for new songs.

Paul: Anyone got any ideas for how we should end Hey Jude?
John: Nah.
George: Nah.
Ringo: Nah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lq9oi/the_beatles_were_sitting_in_the_studio_making_up/
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The Bro Code

Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.
Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.
A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.
Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lq71v/the_bro_code/
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Why didn't Santa like the sweater he got for Christmas?

He wanted a screamer or a moaner instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lq51e/why_didnt_santa_like_the_sweater_he_got_for/
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A Limbo Champion walks Into a Bar.......

She was immediately disqualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lq50r/a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why are caskets so expensive?

Because everyone is dying to get in one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lq4bc/why_are_caskets_so_expensive/
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According to the institute for incomplete studies

9 out of 10 Americans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lpxqq/according_to_the_institute_for_incomplete_studies/
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Why was the child able to fix the light bulb?

Because mini hands make light work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lps2a/why_was_the_child_able_to_fix_the_light_bulb/
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Sex robots will soon be common place....

They just need to work out all the kinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lpr4g/sex_robots_will_soon_be_common_place/
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*It's raining penny's and quarters*

Me:WTF is this
Climate:Change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lppc3/its_raining_pennys_and_quarters/
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What do you call a bartender with an empty glass?

Phil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lppbn/what_do_you_call_a_bartender_with_an_empty_glass/
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What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well the flag's a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lposq/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
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A man, driving his mother in law in the back is stopped for speeding

“did you know you were above the speed limit?” - the officer asks
“I’m so sorry, my speedometer is broken” - replies the man
“None sense” - says the mother in law - “I’ve been telling you for at least half an hour that you were driving too fast”
The officer continues- “also, are you aware your back lights are not working?”
“Oh my” - responds the man - “I had no idea”
“Oh please” - says the mother in law - “how many times have I told you to fix those lights?”
The officer notices the man is not using safety belt
The man explains - “I just took it of after I stopped the car”
The mother in law says - “now you are just being ridiculous, you never wear your safety belt”
The man can’t take it anymore and yells: “WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING!”
The officer looks directly at the mother in law and asks: “ma’am, does he always treat you like that?”
She responds: “only when he drinks”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lpo5g/a_man_driving_his_mother_in_law_in_the_back_is/
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I have sex daily

I mean dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lpnmm/i_have_sex_daily/
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Cat is stuck in a tree...

One day a man goes on vacation leaving his brother to watch his cat. On the first day of his trip he calls home to ask his brother how his cat is doing.
Man: “How’s my cat doing, everything okay?
Brother: “Yep, all is well!”
The next day he calls again asking again how everything was going.
Man: “Everything still going well?”
Brother: “Well actually no. Your cat got out of the house and has died.”
Man: “Woah! What the hell! You could have at least told me in a less blunt way.
Brother: “What do you mean?”
Man: “You know, when I first ask say everything is good. The next day say the cat is stuck in the tree and won’t come down. Finally tell me he has died.”
Brother: “I guess that makes sense, I’m sorry.”
Man: “It’s okay. Anyways how is mom doing?”
Brother: “Well, mom is stuck in a tree and won’t come down”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lpmdg/cat_is_stuck_in_a_tree/
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I like my women like I like my scotch.

Eighteen years old and mixed up with coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lpk9b/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_scotch/
%
A friend tried to get me to wear jeans, a white t shirt, and a motorcycle jacket - but I said no.

It sounded like a Fonzie scheme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lpgnl/a_friend_tried_to_get_me_to_wear_jeans_a_white_t/
%
If I ever go to prison, I’m going to change my name to mitochondria.

I want everyone to know that Im the powerhouse of the cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lpg9r/if_i_ever_go_to_prison_im_going_to_change_my_name/
%
A man was in the Hospital, getting some tests

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lp64g/a_man_was_in_the_hospital_getting_some_tests/
%
A Jewish man and a Chinese man strike up a conversation

Before long they're arguing.
Jewish man: "You know what? I hate you."
Chinese man: "Why?"
Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!"
Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"
Jewish man: "Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?"
Chinese man: "Well, you know what? I hate you."
Jewish man: "Why?"
Chinese man: "The Titanic!"
Jewish man: "An iceberg sunk the Titanic!"
Chinese man: "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lp63r/a_jewish_man_and_a_chinese_man_strike_up_a/
%
Where does Thanos like to swim?

In the Infinity Pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lp5qk/where_does_thanos_like_to_swim/
%
Things you can say at Christmas

* I prefer breasts to legs
* Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
* Smother the butter all over the breasts
* If I don't undo my trousers I'll burst.
* I've never seen a better spread.
* I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
* Are you ready for a second yet?
* It's a little dry, do you still want to eat.
* Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go
* Just wait your turn, you will get some.
* Don't play with your meat.
* Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
* I didn't expect everyone to come at same time.
* You still have a little bit on your chin
* How long will it take after you put it in?
* You will know its ready, when it pops up.
* Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
* That's the biggest bird I have ever had.
* I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
* Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lp44a/things_you_can_say_at_christmas/
%
My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers

So I just stared at him until he apologized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lp418/my_boss_told_me_i_intimidate_my_coworkers/
%
Did you know Spock has 3 ears?

His left ear, his right ear and the final frontier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lp0o3/did_you_know_spock_has_3_ears/
%
How do you castrate a priest?

Punch an altar boy in the back of the head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7loy57/how_do_you_castrate_a_priest/
%
Father's ashes!

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he's standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Oh God no... Oh!!! I just....."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7loxyd/fathers_ashes/
%
An Alabaman is finding his ancestry on a website, but can't get to their site...

Getting frustrated, he calls his wife over.
Sighing, she says, "It starts with an A, not an I, bro."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lowt7/an_alabaman_is_finding_his_ancestry_on_a_website/
%
Vaginas are like weather

If it's wet, it's time to go in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lovax/vaginas_are_like_weather/
%
What did Mario say to Peach when they broke up?

It's not you, it's a me a Mario!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lou4j/what_did_mario_say_to_peach_when_they_broke_up/
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Little known fact about the first pie eating contest ...

It started March 14, 1592.
It hasn't stopped.
Edit - fixed the date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lordn/little_known_fact_about_the_first_pie_eating/
%
Why don't they put advertisements on the Hulk?

He's basically a huge banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lonys/why_dont_they_put_advertisements_on_the_hulk/
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the bigger they are, the dumber they are.

the 5 year old kid wanders around, building sand castles, watching them fall down, when he sees a man with a giant boner.
he runs back to tell his dad:
"daddy, I saw a man with a pee-pee 3 times bigger than your's!"
his dad responds:
the bigger they are, the dumber they are"
satisfied with the answer, the boy goes back to his sand castle, and 5 minutes later a woman with giant boobs walks by.
the boy runs back to tell his mom
"mommy, I saw a woman with breasts 5 times bigger than yours!"
she responds
"the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
the boy is satisfied with the answer, but is puzzled, because his dad appears to be gone. so his lazy mom tells him to find his dad.
and 5 minutes later, the boy comes back
"mommy! mommy! Daddy was talking to the dumbest lady I have ever seen, and the longer he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lonea/the_bigger_they_are_the_dumber_they_are/
%
Love may be blind

But marriage is a real eye opener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lok3o/love_may_be_blind/
%
I don't know if liqour is the answer

But it's worth a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lojs6/i_dont_know_if_liqour_is_the_answer/
%
I hate Russian dolls

They're so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lojhq/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
Dear Fork,

I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away with Dish. But, I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair.
- Sincerely,
Spoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7loifa/dear_fork/
%
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked...

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact I knew where he lived...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lohxt/i_scared_the_postman_today_by_going_to_the_door/
%
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

A dick has a hard life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7logti/his_hairs_a_mess_his_family_is_nuts_his_neighbors/
%
What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Crack open a cold one with the boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7log6m/what_do_you_call_a_necrophiliac_gangbang/
%
An old lady was stopped for speeding

Police officer: I'm sorry, but I think you were driving a bit too fast?
Old lady: What?! No, that can't be true!
Police officer: Can I see your drivers license?
Old lady: No, I don't have it anymore. I lost it 4 years ago when driving while drunk!
Police officer: Well.. Can I see the car's registration?
Old lady: Umm. I don't have that either. The car is stolen.
Police officer: Okay... So who did you steal it from?
Old lady: I don't really know his name. I shot him, cut him into pieces and put him in the back of the car.
Police officer(shaken): One moment madam.
The police officer returns to his car to call for backup. A few moments later three police cars show up, along with the police captain. The police captain walks up to the car.
Police captain: Excuse me madam. My police officer told me you have a dead man in your car?
Old lady: Whaat? No that isn't true!
Police captain: Do you mind if I check?
Old lady: Sure, go ahead!
The police captain checks and finds no dead body. He returns to the window.
Police captain: Well, that was odd. He told me you had killed someone to steal the car. Do you have the car's registration?
Old lady: Sure! Here it is!
She hands him the cars registration.
Police captain: How about your driving license?
Old lady: Yup, here you go.
Hands him her driving license as well.
Police captain: Well this is odd. My police officer told me that you didn't have a driving license, nor the registration for the car!
Old lady: What?! Well then I bet the liar also told you that I was speeding?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lofu0/an_old_lady_was_stopped_for_speeding/
%
Why did the pediatrician hate waiting?

He had little patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lofec/why_did_the_pediatrician_hate_waiting/
%
Son: Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

Dad: She's named after something your mother loves, Easter! It's an anagram.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7loeqn/son_dad_why_is_my_sister_named_teresa/
%
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realise it’s half empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lodyx/how_is_a_pushup_bra_like_a_bag_of_chips/
%
This is a homeopathic joke.

The humour is heavily diluted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lodxd/this_is_a_homeopathic_joke/
%
Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to moan, really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lodt4/why_do_women_have_orgasms/
%
A farmer gets a letter.

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.
"Dear Ronald J. Kse,
This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.
Thanks, your neighbors"
Now, Ronald had really enjoyed last year's party, so he was delighted to be the host for this year.
After a grand day of eating, drinking, and merrymaking, All of Ronald's neighbors left - without helping clean up.
"That's fine, its just one party, and I've done the same other years" said Ron.
Fast forward the next year, Ron was looking forward to this year's harvest, and the celebration that would follow.
After attending this year's anonymous vote, he gets another letter in the mail.
"Dear Mr. Kse, After the amazing time everyone had last year, the vote was decided again for you to be the host! We look forward to seeing you again, and thank you."
Ron sighs, but thinks "Yeah, last year's party was pretty great. I guess the cleanup wasn't too bad. No worries."
Again, he gathered with his neighbors, and they feasted and drank themselves silly... but there were twice as many people this year. Friends, family, friends of family were all invited...
The cleanup was far worse this year. "But," Ron thought, "there's no way I'll get it three years in a row."
Next year, Ron's sister was visiting, and went with him to check the mail. She handed him a very lavish envelope, garnished with golden filigree and laden with caligraphy.
She exclaimed "Wow! This is beautiful! It must be something very wonderful and important!"
"No... I've seen this before... It's another fucking reap host..." said R. Joe Kse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lodc1/a_farmer_gets_a_letter/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Kevin Spacey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lod6k/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lod3y/why_dont_foot_fetishists_ever_win_anything/
%
Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin

Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.
Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7locgj/catholics_fail_trigonometry_because_theyre_afraid/
%
Had an English test the other day and...

was asked the past tense of "think",
I thought... thought... thought and wrote "thinked".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lo89h/had_an_english_test_the_other_day_and/
%
When did the Japanese start eating omelettes?

A long tamago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lo6vq/when_did_the_japanese_start_eating_omelettes/
%
When Beethoven passed away,

he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lo6ss/when_beethoven_passed_away/
%
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot.

They're both cauldron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lo6k3/harry_potter_cant_tell_the_difference_between_his/
%
What do you call a mermaid's flying boob?

Ariel's aerial areola.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lo5ha/what_do_you_call_a_mermaids_flying_boob/
%
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...

They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lo4sk/i_was_at_my_divorce_settlement_yesterday_when_i/
%
Had my medical license revoked today.

Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lo14c/had_my_medical_license_revoked_today/
%
What be a pirate’s favourite letter?

Nah, matey, you think it be r but it actually be the sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lnw3n/what_be_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
%
What do you call barbecuing without utensils?

Pain-steaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lntgi/what_do_you_call_barbecuing_without_utensils/
%
What Do You Call A Gay Dinosaur?

A MegaSoreAss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lnnzn/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
What do you call a ripped yeti?

The abdominal snow man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lnhga/what_do_you_call_a_ripped_yeti/
%
A Jewish man is looking for a job

He walks into a metal factory and asks the owner "do Jews work here?"
The owner replies "yes, we have many Jewish workers" but the man decides not to apply for the job.
He goes to another factory and again asks the owner "do Jews work here?" The owner replies "yes, our Jewish workers are some of our best!" Again the man decides not to apply at this factory.
Finally he goes to a third factory and asks the owner "do Jews work here?" The owner replies "no, not yet at least." The man asks if there is any job available for him and the owner gladly gives him a job.
A few days go by with the Jewish man going to work.  The owner walks by him but sees that the Jewish man is not on the assembly line but is sitting in the corner, relaxing with his feet back! The owner asks him "what are you doing? Why aren't you working with everyone else?"
The man replies "you told me that Jews don't work here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lngd8/a_jewish_man_is_looking_for_a_job/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lnf0y/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
This is one of the best suspense joke I have heard.

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lncbe/this_is_one_of_the_best_suspense_joke_i_have_heard/
%
What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ln8ad/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_works_for_the/
%
The Jew says...

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
Catholic: “I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!”
Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!”
Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!”
They all wait for the Jew to speak…
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee,
looks at them and casually says: “I’m not selling!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ln6os/the_jew_says/
%
Help! I can't stop reading fantasy novels with female protagonists...

...I'm a heroine addict.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ln6ew/help_i_cant_stop_reading_fantasy_novels_with/
%
A young boy is selling milk

A woman walks up to the stand of which the man is selling milk. She observes that he was only about 12 or so. He had a lemonade stand with bottle upon bottle of milk. She reads his advertising sign
"One bottle is $3, 3 bottles is $10 "
Her, being a 17 yr old rebel, decided to buy one bottle. She handed the boy $3 and moved on. About 10 minutes later she came back. She bought another bottle. She came back one last time 5 minutes later. She bought one more bottle and ten told the boy,
"You are so stupid. I just bought 3 bottles of milk for $9 instead of $10. get your math down right, idiot. As she walked off, laughing. Then the boy said to her,
"Well at least I didn't get tricked into buying 3 bottles of milk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ln2i1/a_young_boy_is_selling_milk/
%
Don't spell part backwards!!!

It's a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lmoz2/dont_spell_part_backwards/
%
How does Davey Crockett take his pie?

à la mode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lmm8c/how_does_davey_crockett_take_his_pie/
%
How does Elon musk plan on populating mars?

SpaceX

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lml4b/how_does_elon_musk_plan_on_populating_mars/
%
A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.
"It's the blind man" he called.
That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.
"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lmkx0/a_woman_was_having_a_shower/
%
Adding an s to the word "needles"...

Is needless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lmibu/adding_an_s_to_the_word_needles/
%
Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lmgck/why_is_santa_so_jolly/
%
Statistics show the most popular sex position for married couples is doggie style.

The husband sits up and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lm8oo/statistics_show_the_most_popular_sex_position_for/
%
When someone is telling you to hold your horses,

They’re telling you to be stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lm7g6/when_someone_is_telling_you_to_hold_your_horses/
%
What Christmas song is banned from playing at mental hospitals?

🎤Do you hear what I hear? 🎤

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lm65r/what_christmas_song_is_banned_from_playing_at/
%
Life's Like a Box of Chocolates

It won't last long if you're fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lm3tf/lifes_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
The doctor asked, “how many fingers am I holding up?”

I said, “feels like two. Can you finish the prostate exam please?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lm07e/the_doctor_asked_how_many_fingers_am_i_holding_up/
%
Why does Superman only daytrade bitcoin?

Because he can’t go near crypto@night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7llyhm/why_does_superman_only_daytrade_bitcoin/
%
What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7llv7c/whats_the_difference_between_john_wayne_and_jack/
%
A British ship is sinking in the north sea and calls the nearest coast guard station.

The German coast guard station gets the message, RMS sea lion taking on water and we are sinking. A minute passes and they get a response....Vell, vat are you sinking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7llra1/a_british_ship_is_sinking_in_the_north_sea_and/
%
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

The hooker can clean her crack and resell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7llm0u/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
%
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7llkt7/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
%
There’s a rumor that someone in my class is gay...

I really hope it’s John, he’s hot as fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lljzi/theres_a_rumor_that_someone_in_my_class_is_gay/
%
What does Christmas and a divorce have in common?

Some celebrate it, some don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7llgmk/what_does_christmas_and_a_divorce_have_in_common/
%
BREAKING NEWS : Buddy, the golden retriever from "Air Bud", makes his response to the accusations of sex assault

"I don't even know that bitch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7llet1/breaking_news_buddy_the_golden_retriever_from_air/
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So, one fine day, a man is strolling through an open-air market place.

He stops at one of the live animal stalls and buys a chicken thinking that he will take it home, and make a nice chicken stew for dinner. On his way home he passes a theater that is showing a movie that he has been wanting to see and he decides to go in. The woman at the box office sees the chicken she tells him, "Sir, animals are not allowed in the theater. You'll have to come back some other time." Well, now, this guy really wants to see the movie (it's probably something starring Tommy Lee Jones) so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken down his pants then returns to the theater and buys his ticket. After he has taken a seat and the movie starts, the chicken starts to get restless, so the man unzips his pants to let the chicken get some air. The woman sitting next to him leans over to her husband and whispers,
"Honey, the man next to me has his fly open!"
Her husband tells her, "Just ignore him!"
"But honey, his cock is poking out!"
Again her husband says, "Ignore it! You've seen one, they're all pretty much the same."
"But Honey, this one's eating my popcorn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7llegw/so_one_fine_day_a_man_is_strolling_through_an/
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A man wakes up one morning to...

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7llbu2/a_man_wakes_up_one_morning_to/
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Devastated.

A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lladl/devastated/
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What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?

Nothing, he's gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ll9kk/what_did_sparticus_do_to_the_cannibal_who_ate_his/
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Why are fat hookers cheap?

It's a bulk discount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ll8wr/why_are_fat_hookers_cheap/
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The Cleveland Browns team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ll2t1/the_cleveland_browns_team_visited_an_orphanage/
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Put the punchline in the title.

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ll2dv/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
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I have emotional constipation

I haven't given a shit in days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ll1mf/i_have_emotional_constipation/
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Why doesn't everyone choose cremation?

You have to urn it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lky53/why_doesnt_everyone_choose_cremation/
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How do you know if someone is a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

You will know if they stay up late at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lkx0i/how_do_you_know_if_someone_is_a_dyslexic_agnostic/
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Did Jesus pay for our sins using cash or credit?

Neither. He used Praypal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lkvm0/did_jesus_pay_for_our_sins_using_cash_or_credit/
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Why is America bad at League of Legends?

Because we can’t defend towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lksoc/why_is_america_bad_at_league_of_legends/
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A man came up to me and asked if I want a free psychic reading.

I said, "Not if you have to ask."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lks4o/a_man_came_up_to_me_and_asked_if_i_want_a_free/
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Of course Adam Driver is a great actor.

He pretended to like Lena Dunham for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lkr90/of_course_adam_driver_is_a_great_actor/
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Can't tell right from wrong anymore...

Stupid names for twins anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lkoyv/cant_tell_right_from_wrong_anymore/
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A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lklcp/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
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I like my people like I like my cheese

white american.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lkjdr/i_like_my_people_like_i_like_my_cheese/
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Why don't witches wear underwear?

Because they need to grip the broom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lkipo/why_dont_witches_wear_underwear/
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A frog telephones a psychic hotline

and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," said the psychic, "Next year - in biology class."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lkg90/a_frog_telephones_a_psychic_hotline/
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I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.

It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lkeyh/i_saw_santa_claus_having_sex_with_my_mom_to_get/
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To whomever I got into an argument with about going to the chiropractor,

I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lk8pg/to_whomever_i_got_into_an_argument_with_about/
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I asked a homeless man if he wanted to split a bag of chips

He told me to fuck off and get my own bag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lk6th/i_asked_a_homeless_man_if_he_wanted_to_split_a/
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Why do girls always come in groups of 3, 5 and 7?

Because they literally can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lk5sg/why_do_girls_always_come_in_groups_of_3_5_and_7/
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Where do poor noodles live?

The spaghetto
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lk2iz/where_do_poor_noodles_live/
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I invited my girlfriend to the gym and then I didn’t show....

I hope she gets the message that we aren’t working out,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ljzv5/i_invited_my_girlfriend_to_the_gym_and_then_i/
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Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out.

Or worse yet, get kilt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ljztz/dont_run_with_bagpipes_you_could_put_an_aye_out/
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ljy57/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
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Oldie

Three new couples were applying for membership at the local catholic church. When they met with the priest he said that joining the church was a commitment and asked if they would be willing to have their constitution tested.
All three couples agreed. Then the pastor asked them what their vices were. The first couple stated they liked to go out clubbing and often get drunk and have to take a cab home. The second couple admitted that they often squabble and usually end up cursing at each other and sometimes in front of the kids.  The third couple said that they like to watch porn and have sex several times a week.
The first couple he challenged to abstain from any alcohol for one month, the second he challenged to only say nice things to each other for one month, and to the third, he challenged that they forever give up pornography and to abstain from sex for one month.
At the end of the month, the thee couples met with the priest again. He asked each how the did on their challenge.  The first couple said it was tough at first, but they made it the entire month without a single drop of alcohol and don't even crave it anymore. He praised them and welcomed them into the church. The second couple said they both got upset with each other several times, but have been able to hold their tongue and are actually getting along much better now. He congratulated them and welcomed them into the church. When it got to be the third couples time, the priest noticed they both had their heads down and asked how they did. The man responded that they really had a hard time getting rid of the porn collection, but it had all been burned. The priest commended him and asked how abstaining from sex had gone. The guy responded that it went well until last week, stating "My wife was wearing a short skirt and bent over in front of me. I saw she wasn't wearing any panties and I just couldn't take it anymore. I just fucked her right there. I really couldn't help it. It's not her fault though."
The priest responded that they couldn't be admitted and that they were no longer welcome. The woman said "We aren't welcome in Home Depot anymore either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ljvgx/oldie/
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Why are black people unable to get a PhD

Because they can't get past their masters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ljofz/why_are_black_people_unable_to_get_a_phd/
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Did you know guinea pigs die after having sex?

... at least the one I shagged did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ljlr3/did_you_know_guinea_pigs_die_after_having_sex/
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I'll never forget my friends' reaction when we were younger and I told them Santa wasn't real

They said "How the hell have you gone 21 years without knowing this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ljh0x/ill_never_forget_my_friends_reaction_when_we_were/
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What do you call a Middle Eastern prostitute?

A hookah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ljfp5/what_do_you_call_a_middle_eastern_prostitute/
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What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ljcz7/what_did_0_say_to_8/
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I can't stand Kevin Spacey and people like him.

They're all fucking immature assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ljcwd/i_cant_stand_kevin_spacey_and_people_like_him/
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What did the nut say while he was chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ljcpk/what_did_the_nut_say_while_he_was_chasing_the/
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Why do people from the hood want used cop cars?

To see what it’s like to sit up front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lj4qo/why_do_people_from_the_hood_want_used_cop_cars/
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I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7liv54/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They arrest the lightbulb for being broke, and shoot the room for being black....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7liuqg/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7litlq/an_accused_criminal_is_brought_before_a_judge/
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Silent farts

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lis2a/silent_farts/
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A girl asks her mom where babies come from.

The Mom replies, “When a man and a woman love each other very much, they have sex.  Sex is when a man puts his penis in a woman’s vagina, that’s how you get a baby.”
The daughter is confused and says, “But the other day I went in your room and you had daddy’s penis in your mouth.  What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, honey.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7liqcr/a_girl_asks_her_mom_where_babies_come_from/
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Originally, I didn’t like having a beard

But then it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lipxs/originally_i_didnt_like_having_a_beard/
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What does it take to become a zombie?

Deadication

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lipdw/what_does_it_take_to_become_a_zombie/
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People laughed when I said I wanted to become a comedian

Well they're not laughing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lim7y/people_laughed_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_become_a/
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Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lilk3/why_do_riot_police_like_to_get_to_work_early/
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There's a new drug on the market that makes teenage boys instantly gay.

The only side effect is that you feel Spacey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lil2a/theres_a_new_drug_on_the_market_that_makes/
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How do Christians pay for sins?

With praypal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7likrw/how_do_christians_pay_for_sins/
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Old couple celebrates their 50th anniversary

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.
“Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."
“Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say, should we get naked?"
The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table.
“You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My nipples are still just as hot for you as they were 50 years ago."
“I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lihih/old_couple_celebrates_their_50th_anniversary/
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Words can't even begin to describe how beautiful you are...

But numbers can... 2/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lidsi/words_cant_even_begin_to_describe_how_beautiful/
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Spoiler alert

Jesus dies in the Bible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7licxs/spoiler_alert/
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I did an exam on marijuana and ballistic weaponry.

Scored high on the first part, but bombed the second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lia21/i_did_an_exam_on_marijuana_and_ballistic_weaponry/
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A husband and wife sit down to dinner

He says "honey, tell me something that's going to make me really happy AND really mad at the same time"
She looks at him and says "your dicks bigger than your brothers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7li8a3/a_husband_and_wife_sit_down_to_dinner/
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Ordered a chicken and egg through Amazon for Christmas

...I’ll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7li86p/ordered_a_chicken_and_egg_through_amazon_for/
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My friend david was a victim of ID theft.

Now he’s just Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7li76p/my_friend_david_was_a_victim_of_id_theft/
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The Egyptian Boatmaker

Have you heard about the Egyptian boatmaker? For as long as he can remember, he has been wanting to make boats for a living.
But despite practicing his craft his entire life, he was always ridiculed for his work. Because no matter how hard he tried, his boats were not able to float for more than a few minutes!
After a while, he grew tired of people ridiculing him all the time, and decided to prove all of them wrong! He would make the biggest, most beautiful boat the world had ever seen, that floats!
And he worked on this boat for years and years, but when he finally showed it to the people, they only laughed at him once again: "There's no chance that this boat will float for more than a few seconds!" they said.
But so confident was he, that it would float, that he decided to prove it himself! He would be the first one to sail it!
The day finally arrives, and he's incredibly nervous. As he pushes the boat out into the water, he keeps telling himself: "This has to work, it must work, it will work!"
But despite all his efforts, it doesn't go well...
And now he's in denial...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7li71r/the_egyptian_boatmaker/
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I'm going to open a 24hr Pho restaurant.

I'm going to call it Twenty Pho Seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7li49l/im_going_to_open_a_24hr_pho_restaurant/
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Who is Dumbledore's cousin?

Dumblewindow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7li3dv/who_is_dumbledores_cousin/
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A bus full of ugly people is driving along a cliff

The bus driver makes a mistake as he eats a burger causing the bus to suddenly fall from the cliff killing all passengers aboard
The group of deformed men and women are woken in front of the pearly gates greeted by St Peter himself
"you lot have had a hard and unfortunate life and as this is so I shall grant you one wish before you enter paradise"
The men and women freak out as they murmer together and get in an orderly line. The first walks to Peter and slowly asks "can you make me beautiful?" and poof! Peter without hesitation turns this eyesore in an absolute beauty
The men and women start celebrating with tears of joy, hugs and dances, as the second approaches Peter and makes the same wish. Poof! The beautification continues!
Peter notices a man at the back of the line, cupping his mouth almost as if trying to hold in a laugh, Peter shrugs and continues the wish.
A few individuals later Peter notices the man no longer cupping his face but laughing hysterically, Peter insulted by the man watches him as he continues to grant beauty to the approaching storm of the deformed
As the man slowly reaches Peter, Peter oversees the man rolling on the clouds laughing harder than any man had laughed before. Peter watches confused as he continues the beautification.
The time approaches and the man is next in line. Peter watches at he stumbles to his webbed feet wiping tears from his eyes trying to shake a giggle forcing out of him like a cough.
"so have you got a wish then?"
The man takes a deep breathe and says "make em all ugly again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7li0xr/a_bus_full_of_ugly_people_is_driving_along_a_cliff/
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I like to sleep with a fan on me at night.

It’s why I’m divorcing my wife to join a band

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lhwmm/i_like_to_sleep_with_a_fan_on_me_at_night/
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I used to think women were objects.

But then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lhwkw/i_used_to_think_women_were_objects/
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Everyone complains about the abuse of power in America

but at least after the holidays all the lights are taken down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lhu70/everyone_complains_about_the_abuse_of_power_in/
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What does the mafia and a vagina have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lhqq4/what_does_the_mafia_and_a_vagina_have_in_common/
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If you help a cow give birth...

Did you decalfeinate it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lhqmt/if_you_help_a_cow_give_birth/
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A young man was showing off his sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's gone in too far."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lhovd/a_young_man_was_showing_off_his_sports_car_to_his/
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Sheep Dog

A farmer has 895 sheep. Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.
So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.
"Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many."
The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.
"Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.".
"I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen."
"Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.
That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.".
"Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lho82/sheep_dog/
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Prisoner's Christmas Song

*You better watch out*
*You better not cry*
*You better not pout*
*I'm going in dry*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lhmke/prisoners_christmas_song/
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A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens where greeted by the pope

Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Univers visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.
Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, always in white clothes and is in his mid-thirties? Sure we know this guy.. great guy! Whenever he visits us he cure our sick, turn some water into wine (great laugh!), show us his walking-on-water-trick and then we throw a great party and serve him pancakes. He pops up every 2 years or so. Anyway, what did you guys do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lhh8a/a_ufo_landed_in_the_vatican_and_the_friendly/
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Do you know why native Americans hate snow?.....

Because it's white and on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lhgup/do_you_know_why_native_americans_hate_snow/
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Shouldn't opera singers be good sailors?

Since they're good at high C's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lhe51/shouldnt_opera_singers_be_good_sailors/
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Yo momma so fat...

The dinosaurs went extinct when she forgot her parachute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lhe48/yo_momma_so_fat/
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If 24th December is Christmas Eve, 23rd December should be Christmas Adam.

Because men always come first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lhcpm/if_24th_december_is_christmas_eve_23rd_december/
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"Where do you see yourself in 10 years?"

"My biggest weakness is listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lhble/where_do_you_see_yourself_in_10_years/
%
When I was a kid a zookeeper caught me smoking a camel.

I told him I'd kill a giraffe too if he didn't keep his mouth shut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lh9mx/when_i_was_a_kid_a_zookeeper_caught_me_smoking_a/
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"Hey man, can I borrow your chloroform?"

"Sure! Knock yourself out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lh99s/hey_man_can_i_borrow_your_chloroform/
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If you ate a ShamWow what would come out?

Shampoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lh0yw/if_you_ate_a_shamwow_what_would_come_out/
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I got hit by a rental car.

It still Hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lh01q/i_got_hit_by_a_rental_car/
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I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lgxes/i_asked_a_pretty_young_homeless_woman_if_i_could/
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I'm getting sick of eye jokes.

They just get cornea and cornea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lgt5e/im_getting_sick_of_eye_jokes/
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I've just bought my daughter her main toy for Christmas......

I ate the happy meal though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lgr1c/ive_just_bought_my_daughter_her_main_toy_for/
%
The bartender said we don't serve time travellers.

Two men walk into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lgq6a/the_bartender_said_we_dont_serve_time_travellers/
%
What did the policeman say to the man when he caught him peeing in public?

Urine trouble!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lgppp/what_did_the_policeman_say_to_the_man_when_he/
%
Two pieces of tarmac walk into a bar...

They are both arguing about who is the toughest piece of tarmac
One says ‘Oh I’m the toughest piece of tarmac I’m from the M1, the post popular toad in Britain!’
The other says ‘I’m from the M5! my road sees the most accidents in Britain!’
They continue arguing until a green piece of tarmac walks into the bar. The other 2 scurry off and hide in the corners. The green tarmac comes in, orders it’s drink, finishes it’s drink, and leaves.
The other 2 pieces of tarmac come back out of hiding to finish their drinks, so the bar tender asks them ‘if you’re both so tough, why did you both run away when that green piece of tarmac came in?’
They both answer in unison ‘Did you not know, he’s a cycle-path!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lggox/two_pieces_of_tarmac_walk_into_a_bar/
%
*Tips fedora at airplane*

M'laysian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lgezc/tips_fedora_at_airplane/
%
How much does a boob weigh?

A mammogram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lgd1g/how_much_does_a_boob_weigh/
%
Where do poor Italians live?

The Spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lg9vx/where_do_poor_italians_live/
%
2 Beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lg7t8/2_beggars_are_sitting_side_by_side_on_a_street_in/
%
[NSFW] Boobs are like the sun

A quick glance is fine, but you can't stare directly at them for too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lfw18/nsfw_boobs_are_like_the_sun/
%
What do you call an angry mob of sheep?

Users with an old iPhone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lftca/what_do_you_call_an_angry_mob_of_sheep/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Flushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lft4g/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
What do you call a guy who gets turned on by sad movies?

A tear-jerker
^Credit ^to ^my ^brother ^for ^telling ^me ^this ^one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lfryk/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_gets_turned_on_by_sad/
%
A woman goes to a pharmacy.

"I need to buy some cyanide, I'm going to kill my husband," she said to the pharmacist.
Shocked, he replied, "That would be illegal."
"Oh?" she asked. She pulled out her phone and pulled up a picture. "This is my husband in bed with your wife," she stated.
"Oh," the pharmacist replied. "You didn't say you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lfpjy/a_woman_goes_to_a_pharmacy/
%
A man and his corroded dental appliance..

A man returned for the third time to the dentist to get his dental appliance replaced due to corrosion.
The dentist asked if he ate a highly acid diet, or was fond of citrus, etc.
The man replied that his wife made an excellent holllandaise sauce that was so good he put it on just about everything, and of course it has a lot of lemon juice in it.
"OK" the dentist said, "I have just the thing. I'll order a new one made with chromium"
"That will fix it?" the man asked.
"Absolutely", the dentist replied
"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lfo25/a_man_and_his_corroded_dental_appliance/
%
You can fix a computer by turning it off and on again.

Too bad that doesn’t work with people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lfmnt/you_can_fix_a_computer_by_turning_it_off_and_on/
%
[NSFW] If your donkey ate the legs off of my rooster

There would be two feet of my cock in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lfm8z/nsfw_if_your_donkey_ate_the_legs_off_of_my_rooster/
%
I bought shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lfkm4/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
2+2+2=7

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven, sir.
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
Johnny:  I have pet cat already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lfhcb/2227/
%
JCPenney just moved the women's Plus Size department downstairs. Is this yet another example of fat acceptance?

Or are they just tired of the escalator breaking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lfb6s/jcpenney_just_moved_the_womens_plus_size/
%
What's the difference between a politician, and a flying pig?

The letter F.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lfasp/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
The Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lfapc/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My mum got really annoyed when I tried to tickle my little sister's feet...

she said something about 'waiting till she was born'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lf1gg/my_mum_got_really_annoyed_when_i_tried_to_tickle/
%
I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from San Diego Zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7leytd/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
Why is the North Pole always so wet?

Because of rain, dear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7letpm/why_is_the_north_pole_always_so_wet/
%
What is the definition of a gay Irishman?

An Irishman who loves women more than alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7letbg/what_is_the_definition_of_a_gay_irishman/
%
Little Johnny can't be punished

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”
Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!”
Little Johnny is relieved, “OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lerqp/little_johnny_cant_be_punished/
%
Which president was least guilty?

Abraham Lincoln
He was InACent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7leq89/which_president_was_least_guilty/
%
I dont like jokes about domestic abusers.

They hit too close to home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7leoma/i_dont_like_jokes_about_domestic_abusers/
%
Two homeless men

are standing around bragging about their day. The First one says "Today I found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!"
to which the second replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"
"Did you get a blow job?"
"Naw, I couldn't find her head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7leghp/two_homeless_men/
%
Even after 5 years my wife likes to mix it up in the bedroom....

Last night she was had eaten too much, the night before that she was wayyyyyy too tired; last week she fell and broke her thumb.  I never know what she will surprise me with next!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lefvv/even_after_5_years_my_wife_likes_to_mix_it_up_in/
%
What do you call a priest who became a lawyer?

A father in law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7le3u4/what_do_you_call_a_priest_who_became_a_lawyer/
%
I saw a man getting beat up by 3 other men, so I decided to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7le3as/i_saw_a_man_getting_beat_up_by_3_other_men_so_i/
%
Autocorrect Inspired Poem

It means no worries
For the rest of your days
Haiku na Mattatta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7le1l0/autocorrect_inspired_poem/
%
What is the only type of bee that produces milk?

A boobee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ldvk3/what_is_the_only_type_of_bee_that_produces_milk/
%
A man walks into a bar with a gun.

A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells out loud,  "I have a 1911 with 7 rounds and 1 in the chamber!  I heard the man who was sleeping with my wife hangs out here!  Where is he!?"  From the back of the bar a man shouts out, "You're gonna need more ammo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ldtm8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_gun/
%
Jesus said, " my faith can move mountains"

Mohammed said, "my faith can move skyscrapers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ldsrn/jesus_said_my_faith_can_move_mountains/
%
How did the leper hockey game end?

There was a face off in the corner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ldqf1/how_did_the_leper_hockey_game_end/
%
Did you hear about the world's largest pickle?

It's a really big dill!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ldj18/did_you_hear_about_the_worlds_largest_pickle/
%
A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories. "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands."
"What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.
"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ldhxc/a_teacher_instructs_her_fifthgrade_class_to_ask/
%
When is a door not a door?

When its ajar
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
Credit to my boss but I'm sure he stole them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ldh07/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
%
A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?" The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back." The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?" From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lde39/a_new_ceo_takes_over_at_a_struggling_company_and/
%
I remember when I first used Reddit

Everything was new. There were no reposts.
What a great 4 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ld7oy/i_remember_when_i_first_used_reddit/
%
I didn’t think they could show porn on the news

But every time I watch it I see politicians fucking people, and getting paid for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ld5he/i_didnt_think_they_could_show_porn_on_the_news/
%
Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in france.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ld1e3/why_is_ea_the_worst_gaming_company_in_america/
%
Why is santa claus so happy?

He know where all the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lcy8m/why_is_santa_claus_so_happy/
%
I know they are supposed to keep my closet fresh, but moth balls smell terrible.

It's not worth spreading their tiny, insect legs apart to smell them either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lcu6g/i_know_they_are_supposed_to_keep_my_closet_fresh/
%
The tax return

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address etc.  And then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."
"Poultry Farmer it is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lcr7s/the_tax_return/
%
NSFW: A husband and wife went to the lake.

The husband comes home for lunch after fishing all morning and the wife decides she wants to go on the lake and relax while she reads her book. About 30 minutes later, the lake patrol stops beside her boat. He says, mam I need to see your fishing license. She said that was silly, you can obviously tell she was not fishing and that she was just reading a book.
He says mam, your out on the lake in a boat full of fishing gear. You have all the equipment you need to be fishing. So if you dont have a fishing license, I will have to write you a ticket.
The wife says, if that is the case so be it. But Ill have to tell the police that you raped me. The officer says mam, its pretty obvious I didnt rape you.
The wife grins and says, but you have all the equipment to do so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lcq53/nsfw_a_husband_and_wife_went_to_the_lake/
%
I once dated this german girl...

... who would rate our sex from 1-10.
One night we were experimenting with anal.
She starts screaming "NEIN NEIN NEIN"
I thought I was doing a pretty good job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lcoqc/i_once_dated_this_german_girl/
%
Being an ugly girl is like being a man...

you’re going to have to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lcm7d/being_an_ugly_girl_is_like_being_a_man/
%
Fart contest

There was a farting contest in town.
The first contestant came in front of the microphone and played *Twinkle twinkle little star*. Applauses followed as he went down the stage.
Next, the second one played *When the saints come Marching in*. Everybody stood up to applaud this time.
The third one, came up the stage with a serious look in his face. But instead of a song, he said "To be honest, I wasn't expecting this level of expertise and preparation from my adversaries. I don't feel like I'm at the same level than those guys, so I'm going to retire from the contest. Thank you very much."
After those words, he got the microphone out of his ass and left the stage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lclwc/fart_contest/
%
When hunters go ammunition shopping, they have a reputation for being cheapskates...

They’re always trying to get the best bang for their buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lck1p/when_hunters_go_ammunition_shopping_they_have_a/
%
Maybe we should give Ethiopia a more suitable name

Perhaps Hungary represents them well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lcjya/maybe_we_should_give_ethiopia_a_more_suitable_name/
%
My dentist doesn't like the fact that I've been chewing on quarters.

It's the closest I'll ever get to having a Bitcoin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lcjo7/my_dentist_doesnt_like_the_fact_that_ive_been/
%
87% of Russians favor Vladimir Putin

The other 13% is still missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lcg2f/87_of_russians_favor_vladimir_putin/
%
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lcfnm/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
%
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi are discussing how they use the money in their collection plates...

The minister says: "I draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air and whatever lands inside the circle I keep for myself and whatever lands outside I give to the Lord."
The priest says: "I have a similar process but when I draw my circle and throw my money I keep whatever lands outside the circle and give what lands inside to the Lord."
The rabbi says: " I throw the money in the air and whatever God wants, he takes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lc7su/a_minister_a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_discussing/
%
You know the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk?

Alcoholics go to meetings, we drunks go to parties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lc5vj/you_know_the_difference_between_an_alcoholic_and/
%
Why did the Australian fisherman get kicked out of the toy store.

Because he was throwing shrimp on the barbie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lby5u/why_did_the_australian_fisherman_get_kicked_out/
%
Remember that scene from A Christmas Story where the people at the Chinese restaurant were singing "Fa ra ra ra raaa..."?

They were really filled with that no-L spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lbvht/remember_that_scene_from_a_christmas_story_where/
%
Hey girl are you a software update

Because not now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lbvf3/hey_girl_are_you_a_software_update/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

For drizzle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lbv9g/why_does_snoop_dogg_need_an_umbrella/
%
What does a clock do if it's still hungry after eating?

He goes back four seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lbrkq/what_does_a_clock_do_if_its_still_hungry_after/
%
We had a fire drill at the sperm bank today...

But everyone gathered in the car park before the alarm went of,  it was a premature evacuation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lbqny/we_had_a_fire_drill_at_the_sperm_bank_today/
%
If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books today at Barnes & Noble from 6 pm...

until I'm removed by security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lboy1/if_anyone_is_interested_ill_be_signing_books/
%
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

By walking.
JK. Rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lboid/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
I tried getting into Guinness World record by smashing up music albums

I broke a lot of records
*ba dum tis*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lbijw/i_tried_getting_into_guinness_world_record_by/
%
Two sausages are frying in a pan

One sausage turns to the other and says, "Hot enough for you?"
The other sausage screams, "Ohmygod a talking sausage!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lbigc/two_sausages_are_frying_in_a_pan/
%
A man found an attractive girl in a bus, he tried to get her number...

She was disgusted, and left the bus. After a few minutes, the bus driver came in the bus.
“I saw that. Look, she’s a very pretty girl, and I’ll tell you this: she’s very religious. She goes to church every Sunday. If you go there and dress up as God, she’ll probably agree to have sex with you.
So the guy went, and dressed up as God, and asked her if he can have sex with her. She sighed, then said “okay fine, but only if it’s anal, I love anal.”
So they did it for an hour. After that, the guy took off his mask, and said, “Sorry I just really liked you. That was the best hour of my life.”
And the girl took of her mask. “I knew it would work!” Said the bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lbg4s/a_man_found_an_attractive_girl_in_a_bus_he_tried/
%
There once was a baby born with no arms.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.
One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child's name.
The priest said "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lbcxl/there_once_was_a_baby_born_with_no_arms/
%
Some girl texted me the space button on her phone is broke

She texted "thespacebuttononmyphoneisbrokencanyoupleasegivemeanalternative" Can someone please tell me what ternative means.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lbbun/some_girl_texted_me_the_space_button_on_her_phone/
%
Who provides tech support for Israel?

RabbIT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lb9zt/who_provides_tech_support_for_israel/
%
I've said it a million times:

Don’t exaggerate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lb9cu/ive_said_it_a_million_times/
%
What does an elephant say to a naked man?

“How do you breathe with that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lb8yl/what_does_an_elephant_say_to_a_naked_man/
%
Three IT Guys walk into a bar.

Three I.T. Guys walk into a bar. A sysadmin, a help desk tech, and a network engineer.
The Network engineer immediately starts a conversation with everyone at the bar. The help desk tech orders a drink for himself and starts asking a crying girl how he can help solve her problems. The bartender looks at the Sysadmin who is watching the Help desk Tech. "What will it be?"
The sysadmin takes a long look at the bartender, then walks over to the networking tech, and watches him for a minute before heading over the the help desk tech. The Help desk Tech is still trying to figure out why the girl is crying at the bar. He looks over the situation for a second and orders the girl a drink. She stops crying, takes her drink and walks over to networking to join in the conversation.
Dumbfounded, The Help desk tech asked how the Sysadmin knew what to do.
"It was a simple fix, she just needed to communicate with the server."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lb4uv/three_it_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Two Dutch girls are out riding their bikes when one of them suggests taking an alternate, scenic route home.

After a while they are in an area that the other girl doesn't recognize and she has no idea where they are or which direction home is. As it is getting towards dusk she becomes nervous and a bit agitated, she says to her friend, "I've never come this way before." And her friend turns to her, smiling, and says, "I know, it's the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lb464/two_dutch_girls_are_out_riding_their_bikes_when/
%
Four great religious truths

Muslims don't recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
Jews don's recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
Baptists don't recognize each other at Hooters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lb284/four_great_religious_truths/
%
I'm not really into anal sex,

But fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lb1bh/im_not_really_into_anal_sex/
%
How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lb18w/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
%
I hate Russian nesting dolls...

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lb0b5/i_hate_russian_nesting_dolls/
%
I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lb021/im_divorcing_my_wife_first_it_was_the_poolboy/
%
A duck walks into a drug store

He says "Do you sell chapsticks?" And the store clerk says, "Yes, we do, but you don't have any money." And the duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7laxob/a_duck_walks_into_a_drug_store/
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An old man is driving on the highway

when his wife calls.
Wife: Hey sweetie! I just watched the news and there's 1 guy driving on the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful.
Old Man: Just 1? There's dozens of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lawkj/an_old_man_is_driving_on_the_highway/
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I would tell you a civil war joke...

But I am General-lee out of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lavr4/i_would_tell_you_a_civil_war_joke/
%
I hate when people incorrectly categorize Mozart as a classical composer...

Even though he lived during the Classical Era, he was Baroque as fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lavlj/i_hate_when_people_incorrectly_categorize_mozart/
%
Alcohol is a great solvent

It dissolves marriages,  careers, families,  etc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lava0/alcohol_is_a_great_solvent/
%
My wife always gives me sound advice

99% sound, 1% advice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lat45/my_wife_always_gives_me_sound_advice/
%
One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"
&nbsp;
The kid says, "Yeah."
&nbsp;
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
&nbsp;
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
&nbsp;
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
&nbsp;
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
&nbsp;
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7larml/one_christmas_morning_a_cop_on_horseback_is/
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What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

A prostitute can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lalxf/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
%
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lalrl/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
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Medieval Minstrels were the first victims of EA’s corporate greed

They could only access their instruments by opening Lute Boxes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7laj96/medieval_minstrels_were_the_first_victims_of_eas/
%
A lady sees a beautiful parrot at a petstore for $1

She asks, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"
The petstore clerk explains, "This parrot lived in a whorehouse until three months ago. He has a filthy mouth."
The lady takes pity on the parrot and buys him. She takes him home and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, a new whorehouse!"
Her two daughters walk in and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, two new whores!"
Her husband walks in and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, Bob, I haven't seen you in three months!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7lafjb/a_lady_sees_a_beautiful_parrot_at_a_petstore_for_1/
%
A guy hears a knock at his door...

He opens the door and sees a snail. He picks the snail up and throws it as far as he can.
Two weeks later the man hears another knock at the door, it's the same snail!
The snail looks at the guy and says, "What the heck was that for?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7laevi/a_guy_hears_a_knock_at_his_door/
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My driving instructor asked me if I checked my mirror.

I said, "No, why?"
He said, "Because you look fucking hideous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ladd7/my_driving_instructor_asked_me_if_i_checked_my/
%
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7la75v/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
%
My girlfriend is coming up to 12 weeks!

But i usually like my women a bit older.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7la4jz/my_girlfriend_is_coming_up_to_12_weeks/
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NSFW: A man is exploring a cave when two large boulders fall on his leg, pinning him to the ground. A spider is the only one to hear his cries for help.

“I am the elder spider of this cave and will grant you one wish!” he says.
The man makes his wish and the spider calls all his brethren to watch.  Thousands of spiders gather around, rubbing their hind legs and smacking their mandibles.  The man is confused and a little scared but figures the spiders have just come to see their elder spider work his magic.
The elder spider rears up on his hind legs and a brilliant blue light flashes. The man is wracked by the most amazing orgasm of his life. Cum fills his pants and explodes up over his chest and face.
“Wow!” Says the man, “That was amazing!  But what about my wish?”
“Your wish has been granted!” Responded the elder spider. “I got your rocks off!”
The man realizes he has been tricked. But he is still confused: “ok, you got me.  But... why are all these other spiders here?”
A little spider wearing a birthday hat walks up and responds in a small quiet voice: “I wished for some sauce with my birthday meat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7la2z5/nsfw_a_man_is_exploring_a_cave_when_two_large/
%
As kids on a farm we had to round up the cows.

I'd count eleven and just say there were a dozen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l9ssk/as_kids_on_a_farm_we_had_to_round_up_the_cows/
%
Why couldn't the police catch Muslims during Ramadan?

They were going to fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l9saj/why_couldnt_the_police_catch_muslims_during/
%
What is God's favorite chord?

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l9s13/what_is_gods_favorite_chord/
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A hunter tribe in Siberia catches a Camel.

They kill it, and wonder what it is. To find out, they ask the best hunter.
He answers "It is not a fox, it is not a rabbit. Ask the chief of the tribe, he might know".
They ask the chief.
He says, "Not a reindeer, and not a seal. I don't know what it is".
As a last resort they ask the shaman priest. They walk into his tent, and find him sitting on a chair with a ton of smoke around him.
The hunters are not startled, as that is standard stuff. They finally ask him what it is, and the priest answers without delay
"Come on guys its Camel you have to smoke it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l9mhr/a_hunter_tribe_in_siberia_catches_a_camel/
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What do you call a skateboarding Muslim

Radical Islam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l9m93/what_do_you_call_a_skateboarding_muslim/
%
Two Soldiers Walk Into A Bar...

It’s the height of the Vietnam War, and deep in the jungles U.S. Army Privates Chip and Dan have just been promoted to Sergeants.
Now Chip hasn’t always been the brightest bulb, and he’s been known to need some time to process big changes.
As Chip and Dan are doing their rounds one afternoon, Dan sees a cantina up the street. He leans over to his friend and says, “Hey Chip, lets swing by that bar and take a load off.”
Now it takes Chip a moment to think it over when he says, “Dan, we can’t go into that there bar. We’re Privates, and only Sergeants and above can hangout off base!”
Dan laughs at his dull friend and retorts, “Chip, bud, we aren’t Privates, we’re Sergeants now!” And they saunter on in.
The duo head in and take two stools and Dan wastes no time ordering two cold beers over. Now Chip starts getting nervous and he leans over to Dan and whispers, “Dan I don’t know about this... Privates aren’t supposed to drink! Only Sergeants and above are allowed to consume alcohol!”
Dan chuckles, shaking his head at his simple friends worries; “Chip ol’ pal, your forgetting; Privates can’t drink, but we’re Sergeants now! Take a load off!” And upon this realization, Chip relaxes a little and the two enjoy a few more beers together.
The night rolls on and the two get pretty tipsy when later in the evening Dan draws the attention of a young prostitute. She is very interested in Dan, but she leans over and whispers to him, “Baby I think your very cute, I’d love to show you a good time, I’ve just got Gonorrhea so I’ll let you decide if you want me tonight.”
Now Dan isn’t too fluent in Vietnamese, so he leans over to Chip and asks, “Chip, can you do me a favor. I don’t know what ‘Gonorrhea’ means; Can you run back to base and see what you can find out? If it’s a good thing, just give me a thumbs up and I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”
Chip agrees, runs back to base, and about an hour later returns to the door of the bar and gives Dan a thumbs up and an all clear.
A week goes by and Dan is in the medical wing on base groaning and moaning about his unfortunate ailment when Chip comes by to visit him.
“Damn it Chip! You said Gonorrhea was a good thing!,” shouted Dan.
“No,” said Chip smiling, “You see, I looked it up, and Gonorrhea effects only the privates, but you don’t need to worry because we’re Sergeants now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l9jmt/two_soldiers_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why is there music coming from your printer?

O'h that is just the paper jamming again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l9is5/why_is_there_music_coming_from_your_printer/
%
I don't think I'll attend Christmas dinner this year.

My wife gave me a haircut this morning, and now she said she's going to make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l9fov/i_dont_think_ill_attend_christmas_dinner_this_year/
%
When you think about it, technically all Australian submarines are down under.

.............I'll let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l9f2d/when_you_think_about_it_technically_all/
%
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l9bao/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
%
Guy: I buried my wife 2 days ago! Friend: Shit! I'm sorry, man. When did she die?

Guy:Probably sometime yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l9b6d/guy_i_buried_my_wife_2_days_ago_friend_shit_im/
%
Puns about Norse gods...

are Loki the best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l99qh/puns_about_norse_gods/
%
What's a leper's favorite musical?

Footloose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l9951/whats_a_lepers_favorite_musical/
%
Jokes of day

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l96lz/jokes_of_day/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high..

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l94p5/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
%
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says to a beautiful woman...

"Excuse me, is this stool taken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l946o/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_to_a/
%
What's the rudest kind of elf? Nsfw

A go fuckyourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l936k/whats_the_rudest_kind_of_elf_nsfw/
%
The pen is not mightier than the sword.

But if the pen is long and sharp, it may be a draw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l9270/the_pen_is_not_mightier_than_the_sword/
%
A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and asks

"How big is your dick?"
"depends on which of your senses you're using to measure" replies the man
"what do you mean?"
"well if you use your sense of sight it's 3 inches"
The woman sighs and begins to walk away.  The man grabs her arm and says,
"but if you use your sense of touch it's 5 inches"
The woman stops and asks mischievously,
"what about if I use my sense of taste?"
The man grins and says,
"well then 7 inches easy"
The woman thinks for a moment and replies,
"I'm sorry, but I'm a woman who knows what she wants and I won't settle for anything less than 9, too bad you're out of senses" she smiles sadly and turns to leave
The man thinks for a moment and shouts,
"wait! What about smell?"
The woman stops and frowns, "what about it?"
The man says,
"Give it one whiff and I guarantee you'll think it's a foot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l925i/a_beautiful_woman_approaches_a_man_at_a_bar_and/
%
When is an elf not an elf?

When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l8yrr/when_is_an_elf_not_an_elf/
%
What do a pizza delivery person and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both touch it, but can’t eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l8xte/what_do_a_pizza_delivery_person_and_a/
%
Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l8xsz/have_you_heard_the_news_about_corduroy_pillows/
%
What did the necrophiliac say to the opossum?

You're such a tease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l8ugj/what_did_the_necrophiliac_say_to_the_opossum/
%
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?

Me: sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l8rw9/therapist_what_would_you_say_to_your_dad_if_he/
%
I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old...

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.
Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.
It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.
I was a complete mess.
I was broke and my body was ruined.
But fuck me, what a night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l8pcp/i_remember_when_i_first_started_using_drugs_i_was/
%
Two men are poaching in the rainforest when they're caught by an indigenous tribe.

The tribe takes the men to the tribal leaders who hold a court.  The tribal king says, "We find you guilty of poaching and poaching is a serious offense.  You have two options: death... or boola-boola."
The first guy doesn't hesitate.  "Anything is better than death.  I'll take the boola-boola!"
With that all of the men in the tribe line up and fuck the poacher in the ass.  They then let him go and he hobbles off into the rainforest.
The second poacher labors over the decision.  "Death is bad but with my devout upbringing, it's still better than that gay stuff.  I'll take death!"
The tribal elder says, "Very well.  I sentence you to death... by boola-boola!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l8jph/two_men_are_poaching_in_the_rainforest_when/
%
But you didn't like it.

I was going to tell you a time travel joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l8h2a/but_you_didnt_like_it/
%
Let me tell you a little about myself...

It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l8ejl/let_me_tell_you_a_little_about_myself/
%
Hitler went to a fortune-teller...

... And ask her, "On what day will I die?" The seeress assured him he will die on a Jewish holiday, "Why are you so sure of that?" demanded Hitler. "Any day," she replied "on which you die will be a Jewish holiday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l8eft/hitler_went_to_a_fortuneteller/
%
A man took an airline to court after they lost his luggage

He lost his case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l8dpr/a_man_took_an_airline_to_court_after_they_lost/
%
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l8alx/one_day_a_guy_dies_and_finds_himself_in_hell/
%
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage...

I lost my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l89im/i_tried_to_sue_the_airport_for_misplacing_my/
%
A stairway builder was retiring

On his last day the manager held a speech for him in the lunch-room.
"This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of eachother and reach heaven!"
The retiring builder, a bit red from embaresment, responded quietly:
"Oh, thank you for your kind words, but I have mostly been building basement-stairs..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l87mh/a_stairway_builder_was_retiring/
%
The priest and the rabbi

A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has developed a plan of eating for free in really good restaurants.
"I simply go in at well past 9 pm, eat several courses slowly, and linger over coffee, and dessert, until they are cleaning up. I keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say, 'I've already paid my original waiter who has left for the night.' And, because I am a man of the cloth, the waiter takes my word for it, and I just simply walk out the front door as calm as can be."
The rabbi, clearly impressed says, "Let's try it together this evening."
The priest agrees and books them into an expensive, 4 star French restaurant.
They both eat like kings and, just as before, they are both sitting quietly after enjoying their very full meal, a waiter comes over and hands the priest and the rabbi a bill and asks them to pay.
The priest calmly says: "I've already paid our original waiter." (who apparently left for the evening).
And then the rabbi adds: "And we're still waiting for the change!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l82yd/the_priest_and_the_rabbi/
%
A kid sees Santa at a mall

and says: give me a brother
Santa: give me your mother!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l80ny/a_kid_sees_santa_at_a_mall/
%
What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l7n86/what_is_the_difference_between_a_guitar_player/
%
Paper is getting so expensive these days

With costs like these I'm certain my origami business is gonna fold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l7l5f/paper_is_getting_so_expensive_these_days/
%
What does a Pirate say when they see a hooker?

Land Hoe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l7jyx/what_does_a_pirate_say_when_they_see_a_hooker/
%
I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay...

... again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l7ibc/i_just_sold_my_homing_pigeon_on_ebay/
%
In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves

, so they took it out to different countries for a test. In USA, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves,
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
Spain in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves :
Nigeria in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves,
Uganda in 7 minutes it caught 20,000 thieves,
Then they brought it to South Africa , in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l7egd/in_japan_they_invented_a_machine_that_catches/
%
I got a handjob from a girl with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was the best minute of my life...

Then the worst eleven minutes of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l7az6/i_got_a_handjob_from_a_girl_with_obsessive/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l785v/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!

Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l774f/wow_honey_i_never_thought_our_son_would_go_that/
%
A kiss can make your day

Anal can make your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l76ok/a_kiss_can_make_your_day/
%
What do you call a dead journalist with 2 gunshots to the head?

A Russian Suicide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l74j1/what_do_you_call_a_dead_journalist_with_2/
%
My wife offered to make me some sexy coupons for my birthday.

I asked her if one could be a groupon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l6tfq/my_wife_offered_to_make_me_some_sexy_coupons_for/
%
What do you call an outbreak of zombies that also have speech impediments?

The Zombie Apocalisp!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l6tfd/what_do_you_call_an_outbreak_of_zombies_that_also/
%
What did Adam say before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l6t4u/what_did_adam_say_before_christmas/
%
What do you call a cheap stripper?

Buck naked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l6smw/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_stripper/
%
Have you heard of gaslighting?

No you haven't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l6lm6/have_you_heard_of_gaslighting/
%
What do cops and sneakers have in common?

They make black people run faster!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l6jya/what_do_cops_and_sneakers_have_in_common/
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If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna change my name to mitochondria...

I want everyone to know I’m the powerhouse of the cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l6dgn/if_i_ever_go_to_prison_im_gonna_change_my_name_to/
%
Why did the Avengers have the best float at the parade?

They had a gigantic Banner!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l68rv/why_did_the_avengers_have_the_best_float_at_the/
%
The next time you meet someone who says they're a civil engineer,

Tell them, "That's wonderful! Engineers are usually so rude!"
[sorry, not  useful unless you meet a lot of civil engineers]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l67gz/the_next_time_you_meet_someone_who_says_theyre_a/
%
Grandpa showed me this one...

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and can't seem to figure out how to get it started."
Her neighbor asks,"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver-haired lady says,"Well, according to the box, it's supposed to be a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and shows where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
[It may help to look at an image of the corn flakes box.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l63ar/grandpa_showed_me_this_one/
%
There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"
His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."
The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"
His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.
The kid again goes "Hey grandma look im white", she beats his ass and sends him to his room.
About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says "Have you learned anything from this?"
The kid says "Yeah I've learned that I've only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l632c/there_is_this_africanamerican_kid_that_goes_to/
%
Why did the old man fall down the well?

He could not see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l5yox/why_did_the_old_man_fall_down_the_well/
%
3 friends go to a ski lodge...

But the receptionist at the front dest said that the lodge was over booked, and the friends have to share a room.
After walking in they notice that there’s only one bed. They decide to go to bed early and set their alarms for 6:30am.
The buzzer sounds and they awake. The one on the left of the bed is smiling:
“Last night I had a dream that the receptionist from the front desk gave me a handjob”.
“Hmm”, the friend on the right side says, “I dreamt my wife was giving me a blowjob.
“Very weird”, the middle friend exclaims,”I dreamt that I was skiing”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l5ta2/3_friends_go_to_a_ski_lodge/
%
Baby Jesus

My town's local nativity had the baby Jesus stolen.
They should have nailed him down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l5rhz/baby_jesus/
%
A Pirate ship is out at sea.

One of the crew runs up to the captain and yells
"There is an enemy ship approaching!"
"Fetch me my red shirt" says the captain.
"Why?"
"Because then they will not know if I am bleeding!"
They fight and fight and win the battle. The next day, the crewmember yells
"two enemy ships are approaching!"
"Bring me my red shirt!" calls the captain once more. So they fight, and once again win.
One day, a crewmember runs up to the captain yet again.
"Sir! There are 10 enemy ships approaching! We're surrounded!"
So the captain yells "Bring me my brown pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l5qt3/a_pirate_ship_is_out_at_sea/
%
A friend once asked me how to get a fat girl to fall in love with me.

I replied, "piece of cake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l5oiu/a_friend_once_asked_me_how_to_get_a_fat_girl_to/
%
A man walks in on his wife cheating on him

with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.
He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"
"I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend," says the guy.
To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"
"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."
"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.
"Bad boy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l5i52/a_man_walks_in_on_his_wife_cheating_on_him/
%
To whoever took my Microsoft Office

I️ will find you. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l5hnv/to_whoever_took_my_microsoft_office/
%
What did the solid say to the liquid?

What’s the matter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l5gok/what_did_the_solid_say_to_the_liquid/
%
Microtransactions are getting out of hand.

Even the internet is Pai to win!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l5d3a/microtransactions_are_getting_out_of_hand/
%
Why is Cristiano Ronaldo’s room always clean?

Because he’s not Messi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l579i/why_is_cristiano_ronaldos_room_always_clean/
%
Some might think a pirates favorite letter is R

But his first love is always the C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l56p4/some_might_think_a_pirates_favorite_letter_is_r/
%
What did the cannibal do after he ate his girlfriend?

He dumped her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l56ab/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_ate_his/
%
Last night I had a dream where I was a tail pipe on a car

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l53e3/last_night_i_had_a_dream_where_i_was_a_tail_pipe/
%
Why did the snowman pull down his pants?

Because he saw the snow blower coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l5350/why_did_the_snowman_pull_down_his_pants/
%
You know what they say about hereditary diarrhea ...

...It runs in the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l52zn/you_know_what_they_say_about_hereditary_diarrhea/
%
What’s big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l52fd/whats_big_green_fuzzy_and_if_it_fell_out_of_a/
%
My great uncle Chuck started the elf on a shelf tradition.

Well, actually, he was a drunk on a bunk, but we toned it down for the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l516d/my_great_uncle_chuck_started_the_elf_on_a_shelf/
%
Why did the police search Santas sleigh

Because they had probable Claus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l5099/why_did_the_police_search_santas_sleigh/
%
I have a joke about construction

But I'm still working on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l4zg3/i_have_a_joke_about_construction/
%
I once saw this guy walking down the road with a 15ft piece of fibre glass. I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter?"

He answered "Nein, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walther?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l4z7f/i_once_saw_this_guy_walking_down_the_road_with_a/
%
If Hank Hill were a masochist...

He would be Pro-pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l4yno/if_hank_hill_were_a_masochist/
%
Why does Santa prefer to come down the chimney?

It soots him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l4y1q/why_does_santa_prefer_to_come_down_the_chimney/
%
How do you make Holy Water?

You boil the hell out of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l4w7r/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l4ti3/why_do_swedish_battleships_have_barcodes_printed/
%
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l4tg5/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
Two windmills are sitting on a hill. One turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?"

The other windmill replies "I'm a big metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l4pvi/two_windmills_are_sitting_on_a_hill_one_turns_to/
%
The only thing flat earthers fear...

...is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l4n9x/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
%
The billionaire was taking his bath when he had to fart...

Not wanting to embarrass himself in front of his manservant, he said "Jeeves, go downstairs and fetch me a cup of coffee."
"Very good, sir" said the butler and made for the bathroom door.
By now the billionaire was struggling to hold it in, but finally Jeeves closed the door behind him. A substantial and very satisfying eruption ensued.
A few minutes later, Jeeves returned, holding a cup of coffee. Tucked under his arm was a hot water bottle.
"What's that for? I only asked for a cup of coffee."
"But sir, as I closed the door, I distinctly heard you say 'waddaboudawaddaboddle'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l4mn5/the_billionaire_was_taking_his_bath_when_he_had/
%
I’ve decided what to get the wife for xmas

She’s going to get a pair of socks, and a dildo. If she doesn’t like the socks, she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l4mah/ive_decided_what_to_get_the_wife_for_xmas/
%
Two Romans have a Conversation.

"Hey man, what year is it?"
"35 before Christ"
"Who the hell is that?"
"I have no fucking Idea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l4fp9/two_romans_have_a_conversation/
%
Back in the day when being homosexual was a criminal offense

there was a particularly notorious gay guy. One day the sheriff caught him on strong suspicion of homosexual activity, but he had no evidence against him. So he calls in a rookie police officer for help.
"Son, I have this man in my custody who slept with hundreds of men in the city. Unfortunately, we have no hard evidence against him, but I have a plan and I need your help"
"What can I do, sir?"
"I need you to give him a blow job. If he cums then he is guilty and we'll have enough evidence to put him away for a long time."
The rookie thought about it and reluctantly agreed. So he goes in the cell and gives the criminal a blow job. A while later he returns to the sheriff.
"Sir, I've got good news and bad news."
"Alright, give me the good news."
"The suspect came, which confirms our suspicions of him being a homosexual."
"That's great! We can finally put that son of a bitch behind bars. What's the bad news?"
"Unfortunately, sir, I swallowed the evidence"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l4dpa/back_in_the_day_when_being_homosexual_was_a/
%
I’m not a fan of the new pound coin

but then again, I hate all change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l472c/im_not_a_fan_of_the_new_pound_coin/
%
I bought an elephant...

I bought an elephant for my friends room he said "thanks" i said "don't mention it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l46a9/i_bought_an_elephant/
%
A son is asked to lead the family in a Christmas prayer at dinner

BOY: But I don't know how to pray
DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.
BOY: "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l42pc/a_son_is_asked_to_lead_the_family_in_a_christmas/
%
Man, times sure are tough! I just saw a vampire at the blood bank..

He asked if they take food stamps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l3kwu/man_times_sure_are_tough_i_just_saw_a_vampire_at/
%
Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?

He had a plane to catch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l3kg3/why_did_king_kong_climb_the_empire_state_building/
%
Have you read the best seller about an immortal dog?

You can't put it down...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l3jq2/have_you_read_the_best_seller_about_an_immortal/
%
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A hippo is heavy...
A zippo is just a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l3g2j/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
In only two weeks at gym and I managed to lose

towel and phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l38cv/in_only_two_weeks_at_gym_and_i_managed_to_lose/
%
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman

The location of the carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l36wo/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I swear I'll find you, even if it's the last thing I do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l35r1/to_the_guy_who_hacked_my_reddit_account/
%
Coma victim...

A man wakes up after being in a coma for 20 years. Immediately he calls his bank to see how his savings have grown with interest over the last two decades and is told he has $144,833,411, 19 in his account.
“Whooo- Hoo! I’m a multi-millionaire!”
He hobbles down the hallway giggling to himself at his good fortune. “I’m gonna celebrate!”
At the end of the hallway is a Coca-Cola Machine.
“Ahhh! That’ll taste good after all these years!”
He fishes in his pocket and comes out with a dollar bill and inserts it. He can’t wait!
Suddenly, a voice comes from the vending machine:
“Please add an additional, $47, 499 dollars.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l34vz/coma_victim/
%
A blonde wanted to earn some money.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l3480/a_blonde_wanted_to_earn_some_money/
%
In my world, a threesome is when I use both my right AND my left hand.

Problem is: together they gave me the clap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l328b/in_my_world_a_threesome_is_when_i_use_both_my/
%
[Walks into a bar] A man walks into a bar..

And notices a large, single file line. He figures it's just the line to get a drink and gets in it without question. Half an
hour passes and the man finally gets the the front of the line. He starts to order his favorite drink when all of a
sudden the bartender interrupts him by punching him square in the face. Bleeding and confused, the man shouts
out, "Man what the hell?!"
The bartender just says, "What did you think would happen, this is the punch line"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2y2k/walks_into_a_bar_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2xve/a_vegan_said_to_me_people_who_sell_meat_are_gross/
%
You probably already know this one

One man was in an airplane and when they started "flying" the pilot turned on the Mic to say the usual:"we are (some number) feet above the ground". But then he forgot to turn the Mic off and he says to the co-pilot while everyone is listening:"God! Right now, all I want is a coffee and a good blowjob". Thus, obviously, a super hot flight attendant goes running to tell the pilot the microphone is on, then, some guy screams:"YOU FORGOT THE COFFEE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2vjk/you_probably_already_know_this_one/
%
Why did the German Christmas cake disappear?

Because it was stollen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2uoz/why_did_the_german_christmas_cake_disappear/
%
Me and this girl would smash all the time, but eventually we broke up. Why?

She never let me pick luigi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2u4n/me_and_this_girl_would_smash_all_the_time_but/
%
What does Kodak and a condom have in common?

Both are there to catch that *special moment*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2t80/what_does_kodak_and_a_condom_have_in_common/
%
What do bagels and holiday parties have in common?

They're both better toasted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2slq/what_do_bagels_and_holiday_parties_have_in_common/
%
How did baby Hitler tie his little shoesies?

In little knotsies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2ok9/how_did_baby_hitler_tie_his_little_shoesies/
%
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2no1/one_day_a_guy_dies_and_finds_himself_in_hell/
%
A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What would you like to drink?"
The algorithm replies, "What's everyone else having?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2n4j/a_machine_learning_algorithm_walks_into_a_bar/
%
And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"

...but John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2l8p/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and/
%
A gay deer walks out of a bar and says,

"Man I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2ice/a_gay_deer_walks_out_of_a_bar_and_says/
%
I had to break up with my girlfriend. She was a necromancer.

She wanted us to raise a family together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2i8y/i_had_to_break_up_with_my_girlfriend_she_was_a/
%
I've been having sex with Santa...

I'm a Hohosexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2h2u/ive_been_having_sex_with_santa/
%
Sitting on a voodoo doll of yourself

Have fun getting back up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2dqf/sitting_on_a_voodoo_doll_of_yourself/
%
It pisses me off when Lithuanians get confused for Russians..

But if I was Russian, my name would be U. Fakov

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l2a6g/it_pisses_me_off_when_lithuanians_get_confused/
%
I went to an ISIS birthday party once

The musical chairs were slow but fuck me pass the parcel was quick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l264f/i_went_to_an_isis_birthday_party_once/
%
Purebred Police Dog

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred police dog $25."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad.
"How dare you call that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?" she yelled.
"Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He works undercover."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l250c/purebred_police_dog/
%
TIL that Melvil Dewey, inventor of the Dewey Decimal system for organizing library collections, was known to be a serial sexual harasser.

Someone really should've put him in his place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l24b6/til_that_melvil_dewey_inventor_of_the_dewey/
%
I started jogging today

Just kidding. I exercised restraint instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l23qd/i_started_jogging_today/
%
What's the difference between Trump and a Flying Pig?

The letter F.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l232f/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_a_flying/
%
Why did the scarecrow win the competition?

It is because the scarecrow was outstanding in the field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l22t4/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_competition/
%
how do you keep a bunch of Assholes in suspense?

I'll tell ya'll tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l21do/how_do_you_keep_a_bunch_of_assholes_in_suspense/
%
Unsuccessful marketers vs successful marketers

Unsuccessful marketer: "This item has no value."
Successful marketer: "This item is priceless."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l1vmu/unsuccessful_marketers_vs_successful_marketers/
%
I’v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress...

I think I need to go personally to see what ‘s going on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l1t8l/iv_been_a_gym_member_for_6_months_without_any/
%
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?

A Plebeian J

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l1sye/what_was_the_most_common_sandwich_in_ancient_rome/
%
What do american beer and sex in a canoe have in common?

Both are fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l1pxa/what_do_american_beer_and_sex_in_a_canoe_have_in/
%
I’ve just watched the Harry Potter films..,

It’s a bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l1onl/ive_just_watched_the_harry_potter_films/
%
Give a man a fish, and he’ll Instagram it...

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l1ldw/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_instagram_it/
%
Why is Mrs. Claus so cranky?

Santa only comes once a year and it’s down a chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l1jes/why_is_mrs_claus_so_cranky/
%
When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren't surprised...

...but you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l1jc0/when_mary_had_a_baby_boy_the_wise_men_werent/
%
What does a Polish woman get on her wedding day that's long and hard?

A new last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l1eu0/what_does_a_polish_woman_get_on_her_wedding_day/
%
What do you get when you play the Lute for too long?

Minstrel cramps!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l1dui/what_do_you_get_when_you_play_the_lute_for_too/
%
If you see someone drinking a Sierra Mist, punch them straight in the face...

...that's the first rule of Sprite Club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l1c2s/if_you_see_someone_drinking_a_sierra_mist_punch/
%
I bought my wife a book on Mindfulness...

... but she didn't appreciate the present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l1bd2/i_bought_my_wife_a_book_on_mindfulness/
%
I met the woman of my dreams

Then I woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l1a6a/i_met_the_woman_of_my_dreams/
%
My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy's still reeling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l19w9/my_wife_left_me_for_a_fisherman/
%
A three legged dog walks into a bar.

"I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l19ac/a_three_legged_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the Flat Earther who went skydiving?

He landed on a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l18fp/did_you_hear_about_the_flat_earther_who_went/
%
Adam was the luckiest man!

He had no mother-in-law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l186r/adam_was_the_luckiest_man/
%
A teacher and his student were going to school together.

There was a bridge (on a river) on the commute, which everyone used to pass.
That day river wasn't quiet and was rather scary. Still they tried to pass the bridge. But the river water started to come up to bridge.
The student knew how to swim, and he jumped into the river.
The teacher didn't know swimming at all, but he didn' want to look bad in front of student, and heck, there was no other choice. So, he jumped too, and started drowning.
Student saw this and saved him from drowning. The teacher thanked him and asked him if he could return the favor in any way.
The student pleaded, "Please don't tell anybody back in school that I saved you, my classmates will kill me."
Sorry for bad Englando.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l181c/a_teacher_and_his_student_were_going_to_school/
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My grandpa has the heart of the lion

and a lifetime ban from the zoo..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l17hi/my_grandpa_has_the_heart_of_the_lion/
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Who was Alexander Graham Bellski?

The first telephone Pole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l15rh/who_was_alexander_graham_bellski/
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My dad recently joined a support group for people with erectile dysfunction...

Their slogan is: "If You Can't Beat 'em, Join 'em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l14y9/my_dad_recently_joined_a_support_group_for_people/
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Here's an immature Christmas joke my older brother told me when we were kids...

It's Christmas eve and Santa is delivering presents. In one house, a young woman is waiting for him when he climbs down the chimney. She says to him "Santa, will you stay?" And he says "Ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you know". "Well, if I take off my gown will you stay?" and she drops her gown, standing there in her bra and underwear. "ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you knoooow" he responds. "If I take off my bra, will you stay?" and she takes off her bra. "Ho ho ho, santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you knoooow". "If I take off my panties will you stay?" and she takes off her panties, standing there naked. Then Santa says "Hey hey hey, Santa's gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with a stiffy in his way!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l14oi/heres_an_immature_christmas_joke_my_older_brother/
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A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain

Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs
Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l14fm/a_blonde_teen_goes_to_the_doctor_complaining_of/
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Another blonde joke

Boyfriend is driving down the street with his (blonde) girlfriend in the passenger seat. The boyfriend becomes concerned the turn signals are not working, so he asks his girlfriend to poke her head out the passenger side window to see if the right turn signal is functioning. She replies, "it's working, it's not working, it's working.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l14d9/another_blonde_joke/
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A man was extremely lonely

He decides to get a pet to keep him company. When he arrives at the pet store he asks one of the employees about a pet to be his friend. The employee recommends that he gets an extremely talkative parrot. The moment the man sees the parrot it starts talking, saying "Are you going to buy me? I can't wait! What do for a living?" The man is ecstatic because he will finally have someone to talk to. He immediately buys the parrot and drives home. When he finally gets home the parrot comments "Wow this is a really nice house! I love it, its really big! Do you have a family?" The man casually answers that he lives alone, then the man an the parrot chat for about another hour.
Then the man says "You know, I love talking to you, but I need to get to work. Can you stay quiet for a while?" The parrot replies "Of course!". However, not even 2 minutes pass before the parrot starts talking again. The man, slightly agitated, says "Can you be quiet, I have to work." the parrot happily replies "Of course!". However, 5 minutes later, the parrot starts happily chatting away. The man, completely fed up at this point says "If you don't shut up, I'm going to throw you in the freezer!" The parrot replies " Okay, I'll be quiet now." Again, the parrot can't hold himself back, and after 10 minutes he starts loudly chatting away. The man angrily threw the parrot in the freezer. After about an hour of hard work the man suddenly remembered the parrot. He rushes to the freezer and pulls the parrot out. The parrot is shivering, and almost frozen. The man says "I'm sorry, but can you promise that next time you will be quiet when I ask?". The parrot responds apologetically saying "Of course, I'm extremely sorry for causing you trouble, I'll be sure to stay quiet. However, may I ask just one more question?" The man replies "O.k, but just one." Then the parrot asks " What did that chicken do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l12sv/a_man_was_extremely_lonely/
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What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple doesn't cum on your face till your a teenager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l12j7/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_pimple/
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Why didn't Santa get any mince pies on Christmas?

Because it was stollen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l116x/why_didnt_santa_get_any_mince_pies_on_christmas/
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I hate Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l10q2/i_hate_russian_dolls/
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Why did Santa send his daughter to college?

To keep her off the north pole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0zt9/why_did_santa_send_his_daughter_to_college/
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Doctor doctor...

...I feel like a tree.
Doctor: *arms folded/quizzical look on his face* Ok. Stand up straight please and raise your arms slowly.
Me: *reluctantly does as asked*
Doctor: Ahhh I see, don’t worry. It just looks like you’re branching out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0wkr/doctor_doctor/
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The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York...

... because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0wfg/the_whole_world_should_be_worried_that_north/
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It's actually quite hard to learn how to make tea...

There's a *steep* learning curve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0ro6/its_actually_quite_hard_to_learn_how_to_make_tea/
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My father was a U-boat captain and amateur philosopher.

Such a deep sinker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0rc0/my_father_was_a_uboat_captain_and_amateur/
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A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.
"It's the blind man" he called.
That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.
"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0pkh/a_woman_was_having_a_shower/
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I just found an origami porn channel...

... but it is paper view only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0ny3/i_just_found_an_origami_porn_channel/
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What do you call hair dye for blondes?

Artificial intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0nks/what_do_you_call_hair_dye_for_blondes/
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Ireland has legalised abortion

It will be available to anyone who wants one, however there's a 10 month waiting list

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0ncj/ireland_has_legalised_abortion/
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What do you get when you cross a pickle and a deer?

A dill-doe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0myo/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_pickle_and_a_deer/
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After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion

- he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of all that training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an excellent vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0j6w/after_several_years_of_medical_training_and_hard/
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A blonde girl goes to an appliance store

She spots the t.v. she's been saving up for, picks it up and goes to the cashier
The cashier says "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes"
Disgruntled she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she goes into the appliance store, picks out the same t.v. and once again goes to pay
The cashier says "I'm sorry ma'am but told you yesterday, we don't serve blondes"
Furious, she goes home and watches hundreds of sfx makeup tutorials on YouTube, she makes the perfect old man disguise and goes back the next day
The cashier welcomes her and says "Hello sir, how can I help you today?"
She replies "I'd like to buy this tv please young man" in her best old man voice
The cashier replies "I'm sorry, but we don't serve blondes"
"DAMMIT" she screams as she rips off the disguise "HOW DID YOU KNOW?!"
The cashier replies "because that's a microwave"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0j31/a_blonde_girl_goes_to_an_appliance_store/
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Oscar Wilde walks into a bar with a large manuscript under his arm...

The bartender asks, "Why the long farce?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0ho0/oscar_wilde_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_large/
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What do you call someone who runs into pencils?

Someone who gets to the *point*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0e60/what_do_you_call_someone_who_runs_into_pencils/
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My sex life is like Star Wars Battlefront 2

I'm paying for a lot of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0e25/my_sex_life_is_like_star_wars_battlefront_2/
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A cop pulls over two catholic priests and says "I"m looking for two child molesters"...

And the priests reply; "We'll do it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0cuz/a_cop_pulls_over_two_catholic_priests_and_says_im/
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A therapist holds up an ink picture...

Therapist: What do you see?
Me: A poor man with no future in life
Therapist:(Letting out a tear) I mean on the picture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0cqg/a_therapist_holds_up_an_ink_picture/
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Christmas these days is a lot like having sex...

...the build up is great, but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l0bdb/christmas_these_days_is_a_lot_like_having_sex/
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Two Blondes are out on a hike....

when one looks down and sees some tracks. "Hey look, deer tracks!" she exclaims. The other blond looks over and says, "Those aren't deer tracks! Those are rabbit tracks!" After about 10 minutes of bickering about what type of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l08l1/two_blondes_are_out_on_a_hike/
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A bear climbs up a tree in a man's backyard and won't get down so he calls animal control...

An animal control van pulls up and a man steps out with a pitbull by his side. He comes up to the owner, hands him a semi-automatic rifle and says: "Here is the plan, I climb up the tree and start shaking it, when the bear falls out, my pitbull Fluffy here will bite him by the balls and drag him back to my van. Got it?". The owner, startled, says: "OK sure, but what the hell is the gun for?". The man replies: "In case I fall off the tree first, you better empty the fucking clip on Fluffy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l08fk/a_bear_climbs_up_a_tree_in_a_mans_backyard_and/
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Why did the saxophone player have to go to anger management?

He had a bad ALTOtude problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l079r/why_did_the_saxophone_player_have_to_go_to_anger/
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I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l04eo/ive_invented_a_new_game_you_use_small_breath/
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Why was the King only able to draw straight line?

Because he is the ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l03v9/why_was_the_king_only_able_to_draw_straight_line/
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Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7l02gk/why_wasnt_the_hammer_allowed_to_join_the_party_of/
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All my life i thought air was free

Until i bought a bag of chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kzyjk/all_my_life_i_thought_air_was_free/
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My sex life is like a video game

Single Player.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kzu7k/my_sex_life_is_like_a_video_game/
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I tried to be a gentleman by picking up something heavy for a lady

But she ended up getting mad at me in front of everyone at the gym

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kzs8d/i_tried_to_be_a_gentleman_by_picking_up_something/
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A horse walks into a bar

So a horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks,”why the long face?” The horse, incapable of communicating, shits on the floor and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kzpgq/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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When i was 17, my sister caught me masturbating...

She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.
A few days later, I caught her masturbating. She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kzp1n/when_i_was_17_my_sister_caught_me_masturbating/
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The world is ending tomorrow and you have 10 bucks. What do you buy?

A pack of Lifesavers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kzo3g/the_world_is_ending_tomorrow_and_you_have_10/
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What do you call black guys in Vermont?

The visiting team.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kznyl/what_do_you_call_black_guys_in_vermont/
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Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!

If you want to drive safely we can help.
Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages
Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kzn2f/guys_please_dont_drink_and_drive_this_holiday/
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Why don't abalone exchange gifts?

They're pretty shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kzkh3/why_dont_abalone_exchange_gifts/
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The King and Queen get a Puppy

After the whole donkey episode, the King and Queen decide to stick to dogs, and get a dachshund. Barely a month old, the puppy was given to the couple after being abandoned by its mother, the only one of the litter to survive.
Night after night, the court physicians and veterinarians watched the dog, the Queen herself often feeding the blind, half-starved animal with an eye dropper.
One morning, after worrying all night, the King and Queen shed tears of joy when the little animal struggled out of his bed and took his first steps.
The next day's headline:
"Royal Weiner Stands Up for First Time; King and Queen Jubilant but Tired"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kzjuw/the_king_and_queen_get_a_puppy/
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My psychiatrist told me I'm narcissistic.

I told him to shut up, when I'm talking...
Edit ty RobloxMaster6969

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kzf12/my_psychiatrist_told_me_im_narcissistic/
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what do you call a robot that is sexually assaulted?

R2 me2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kzdxk/what_do_you_call_a_robot_that_is_sexually/
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Why doesn’t a chicken wear underwear?

Because his pecker is on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kzcrc/why_doesnt_a_chicken_wear_underwear/
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What did the r/jokes user said to the guy who posted the lesbian vampires joke?

"Same time next month?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kz8u7/what_did_the_rjokes_user_said_to_the_guy_who/
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What did the brother cell say to the sister cell when she stepped on his toe?

Mitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kz8dx/what_did_the_brother_cell_say_to_the_sister_cell/
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I recently wrote a book on poltergeists.

I’m proud to say that it’s flying off the shelves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kz6qj/i_recently_wrote_a_book_on_poltergeists/
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The Alabama Governor's mansion burned down today...

It pretty much took out the whole trailer park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kz5jr/the_alabama_governors_mansion_burned_down_today/
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How does a train eat?

It chew-chews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kz4sk/how_does_a_train_eat/
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Bill Clinton and Al Gore decide to go eat out at a diner

After giving them some time, the waitress comes and asks if they are ready to order.
Bill goes, "Yes, I'd like to have a quickie please."
"A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the menu."
Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it is pronounced 'Quiche'..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kz1hd/bill_clinton_and_al_gore_decide_to_go_eat_out_at/
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The other day I held a door open for a clown.

I thought it was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kyxna/the_other_day_i_held_a_door_open_for_a_clown/
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Blonde took her car to the mechanic...

She tells him it's not running well. Later he calls to say it's all set, come get it.
"What was wrong with it?" she asks.
"Nothing really, just shit in the air filter."
"Oh. Huh. How often do I hafta do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kywj6/blonde_took_her_car_to_the_mechanic/
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What does a grammarian call Santa’s Elves?

Subordinate Clauses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kysga/what_does_a_grammarian_call_santas_elves/
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What do Wasps wear in the winter?

Yellow Jackets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kyrok/what_do_wasps_wear_in_the_winter/
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A civilization of sentient deer may sound interesting

But I get the strange feeling that they'd make no progress in advancing their own culture once they come into contact with humans.
I guess that's what happens when you encounter Stagnation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kyp41/a_civilization_of_sentient_deer_may_sound/
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If at first you don't succeed

Skydiving probably isn't for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kyon2/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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What are the origins of rice Krispys?

They were invented in Hiroshima, 1945.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kymv0/what_are_the_origins_of_rice_krispys/
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The way to a man's heart is his stomach...

if you're a terrible surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kyfpy/the_way_to_a_mans_heart_is_his_stomach/
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What did the Loan Officer say to the Tightrope Walker after he gave him a loan?

You have an outstanding balance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kyfo7/what_did_the_loan_officer_say_to_the_tightrope/
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On a scale from one to ten...

...is a bad way to spend nine hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kyflo/on_a_scale_from_one_to_ten/
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I set out to lose 10 pounds this month...

Only 15 more to go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ky7ae/i_set_out_to_lose_10_pounds_this_month/
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A blonde got tired of blonde jokes

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N," she answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ky6ww/a_blonde_got_tired_of_blonde_jokes/
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Why did the rebels lose at the hoth battle?

The terrain was inhothpitable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ky6j3/why_did_the_rebels_lose_at_the_hoth_battle/
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Dating these days

Boy: Hi
Girl: What?
Boy: How are you?
Girl: Do I know you?
Boy: I'm Rich..
Girl: Oh! Hi. My name is Mary but you can call me "Baby" I'm 19 & I am very submissive. I love short men, especially like you & I'm glad to meet you. So, when are we going out?
Boy: No, no, no "Rich" is my name
Girl: Sorry I don't talk to strangers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ky1xx/dating_these_days/
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Police chase

So a blonde, brunette, and redhead have just robbed a bank and are running from the cops, and they decide to ditch their car and hide in a barn.
The redhead hides behind a horse
The brunette behind a cow
And the blonde behind a rather large sack of potatoes.
As the cops come in, they investigate the stalls and first come to the horse stall
The redhead makes a “neighhhhhh” and the cops move one
They get to the cow stall, where the brunette goes “moooooo”
And when they get to the blondes stall, she has to think quick in order to save the group, so she simply replies “poooootaaaaaatoooooo”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kxxa6/police_chase/
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If dentists only make money off of us if we have bad teeth

The why the fuck am I using a toothpaste 4 out of 5 of them are recommending!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kxwsp/if_dentists_only_make_money_off_of_us_if_we_have/
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What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

A rook moves in straight lines and a bishop has sex with young boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kxv08/whats_the_difference_between_a_rook_and_a_bishop/
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I once knew a Colombian conductor.

He was arrested for the murder of a passenger and in his confession he said he did it because the passenger was wearing pink shoes. I never would have thought that he was capable of something like this, but I must admit he had a locomotive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kxtsg/i_once_knew_a_colombian_conductor/
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What do you call a battered men's shelter?

Jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kxsgs/what_do_you_call_a_battered_mens_shelter/
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Why can't Americans play badminton

Because they have no net

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kxr1p/why_cant_americans_play_badminton/
%
You know what they say about having sex while camping?

It's fucking intense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kxlfk/you_know_what_they_say_about_having_sex_while/
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Difference between Physics, Philosophy and Theology

Physics is like going after a black cat in a dark room.
Philosophy is like going after a black cat in a dark room, while blindfolded.
Theology is like going after a black cat in a dark room, while blindfolded, shouting "Heureka, I found her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kxkm2/difference_between_physics_philosophy_and_theology/
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What do you call an experimental monkey in a blender?

Rhesus pieces........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kxhnz/what_do_you_call_an_experimental_monkey_in_a/
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Which dictator is a cat’s favorite?

Mao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kxgaj/which_dictator_is_a_cats_favorite/
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Woman goes to a fairy

A woman goes into the woods and finds a fairy.
"I will grant you one wish," says the fairy.
"I want my cat to be a beautiful prince," says the woman.
"Sure," replies the fairy, and the woman rushes home to find her cat a beautiful prince.
However, the prince is annoyed.
"Why are you so unhappy," asks the woman, "I love you more than I do my life, aren't you happy we can be in a relationship?"
The prince replies, "Should have thought of that before you cut off my balls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kxchg/woman_goes_to_a_fairy/
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The Redneck Joke

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater!"
Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"
Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"
"No."
“Then you’re fucking gay.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kx824/the_redneck_joke/
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Santas reindeer get lost on a flight one night and don't return to the pole. After being missing for weeks, they are found, the only survivor being Donner. When asked how he survived, he replied:

"They don't call me Donner for nothin'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kx5ne/santas_reindeer_get_lost_on_a_flight_one_night/
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What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

A prostitute can wash their crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kx4ba/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
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Three friends are on a road trip and stop at a motel for the night.

The receptionist tells them there is only 1 room available with 1 bed in it.
The guys are exhausted and just decide to share the bed. In the morning, the one who slept on the left side of the bed says "I just had the best dream last night, a hot girl was giving me a handjob and it felt so real". The one who slept on the right side says "That's weird, I had a similar dream."
They both turn to the friend who slept in the middle and ask him "What about you? Same dream?"
"Nah, I had a dream that I was skiing in the Alps"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kx141/three_friends_are_on_a_road_trip_and_stop_at_a/
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Have you ever smelled mothballs?

It's hard to get your head in there before they fly away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kwtvq/have_you_ever_smelled_mothballs/
%
My wife got angry with me for opening a door for her.

It almost made me lose control of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kwrre/my_wife_got_angry_with_me_for_opening_a_door_for/
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Marriage is like a bar of soap...

It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kwowr/marriage_is_like_a_bar_of_soap/
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The past, the present, and the future all walked into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kwnlp/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_all_walked/
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Christmas isn't fair

You save all year to buy the kids their presents for Christmas and when you come downstairs on Christmas morning some fat cunt with a beard gets all the credit.
Mind you it was probably my fault for marrying her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kwnf8/christmas_isnt_fair/
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A joke my Grandpa told me the other day...

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?   What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!  You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically, all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this! ………I’m talking to that little bastard on your lap!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kwkyd/a_joke_my_grandpa_told_me_the_other_day/
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Me: "Alexa, add tinfoil for hats to my shopping cart."

Alexa: "I ordered yesterday after I noticed you had 3 sheets left in your upper right cupboard. You're all good."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kwg72/me_alexa_add_tinfoil_for_hats_to_my_shopping_cart/
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It’s easy to piss on the floor.

Be a hero. Shit on the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kwe4y/its_easy_to_piss_on_the_floor/
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I accidentally drove my lake into the car

Even if I said that correctly I'd still sound high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kwdd7/i_accidentally_drove_my_lake_into_the_car/
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The political stance of every aerosol can.

Is always going to be pro-pelent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kwceh/the_political_stance_of_every_aerosol_can/
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What does Batman put in his drinks?

Just ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kwbdb/what_does_batman_put_in_his_drinks/
%
A Farmer Sends his Son to Town for Supplies

He tells him to visit the commons as there are sure to be reputable merchants selling their wares at this time of year.
But on the way the son gets waylaid by a strange man with big flashy signs advertising the latest in imported tools. All his neighbors are also there buying this man's tools, so the farmer's son goes along with what they are doing.
When the son gets home, he tries to fit his oxen with a newly acquired yoke but it doesn't fit right. When he finally gets it on the oxen and tries to plow the field, the yoke snaps in half.
The farmer tells his son "I hope you have learned a valuable lesson. The real yoke is always in the commons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kwaxa/a_farmer_sends_his_son_to_town_for_supplies/
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Did you hear that they changed the theme song when they found out the Pink Panther was a Redditor?

Now it goes pedant pedant....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kw8w0/did_you_hear_that_they_changed_the_theme_song/
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When I was at the gym, I asked the trainer, which is the best machine to hit to attract a woman?

He pointed outside and said The ATM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kw7nx/when_i_was_at_the_gym_i_asked_the_trainer_which/
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The Dave Joke

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kw698/the_dave_joke/
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What Do You Call A Jawa Magician?

Harry Utinni!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kw43i/what_do_you_call_a_jawa_magician/
%
Which elf was the best singer?

Elfis Presley
(I’ll get my coat)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kw3ps/which_elf_was_the_best_singer/
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3 men are walking through a forest on their way back home, when they stumble upon a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kw3pj/3_men_are_walking_through_a_forest_on_their_way/
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Poop jokes are not my favorite type of jokes...

but they are a solid #2!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kw0q2/poop_jokes_are_not_my_favorite_type_of_jokes/
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My wife freaked out when I opened the door for her

She was screaming that I was losing control of the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kvymg/my_wife_freaked_out_when_i_opened_the_door_for_her/
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A pilot forgets his mic open

And goes: "Oh man, I'm gonna take a huge shit and bang that hostess."
Everybody hears it. The hostess runs to the cockpit to warn the pilot about the mic, chucks down. A passenger says: "Don't rush sweetie, he's gonna take a huge shit first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kvvve/a_pilot_forgets_his_mic_open/
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What did Sean Connery say when he hit his head on some books?

I only have my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kvn1u/what_did_sean_connery_say_when_he_hit_his_head_on/
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Why was the letter E the only letter to get Christmas gifts?

Because all the other letters were "not E"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kvmzu/why_was_the_letter_e_the_only_letter_to_get/
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A woman on holiday was stung by a jellyfish...

She yells to her husband and says "I was stung by a jellyfish, you need to pee on it."
The husband runs over to the jellyfish and pees on it saying "that's for stinging my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kvmx2/a_woman_on_holiday_was_stung_by_a_jellyfish/
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What do you call three suns in a row?

A solar ellipses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kvjs1/what_do_you_call_three_suns_in_a_row/
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How do you have nasal sex?

Fuck knows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kvh8g/how_do_you_have_nasal_sex/
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A very sad day today.

After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of all that training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an excellent veterinarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kvgrh/a_very_sad_day_today/
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What did they say to the transgender man who joined the navy

Welcome to the navy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kvfpt/what_did_they_say_to_the_transgender_man_who/
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A Rabbi, an atheist, and a Priest walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What?! If this is some sort of joke you have to leave!" So they all walk out.
A few minutes later a chicken walks into the bar. The bartender yells, "Come on! We don't even serve chickens!"
The chicken asks, "Do you know anywhere that does?"
The bartender replies, "Yeah... It's right across the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kvaz9/a_rabbi_an_atheist_and_a_priest_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Jobs that don't exist anymore;

1. Steve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kv8w5/jobs_that_dont_exist_anymore/
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One tectonic plate bumped into the another..

and said "Sorry, My fault.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kv84t/one_tectonic_plate_bumped_into_the_another/
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How did Rey exit out of her glitching web browser?

Force quit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kv7ug/how_did_rey_exit_out_of_her_glitching_web_browser/
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What do Einstein and an iceberg with a lisp have in common?

They both tried to think the unthinkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kv5tj/what_do_einstein_and_an_iceberg_with_a_lisp_have/
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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office building

20 minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking outside the office building.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kuzqi/i_caught_two_kids_smoking_pot_outside_my_office/
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I told a co-worker I got a new set of windshield wipers for my 11 year old Sonata.

He said "Good trade, man".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kuz7n/i_told_a_coworker_i_got_a_new_set_of_windshield/
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So what do you call a street where sheep and horses are fighting over turf?

A baaad neigh-borhood.
...
I'm glad none of you are close enough to punch me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kuxi8/so_what_do_you_call_a_street_where_sheep_and/
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How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kuvv4/how_does_good_king_wenceslas_like_his_pizzas/
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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

a condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kun8h/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_going_down/
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Why do electricians like talented train drivers?

Because they’re good conductors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kumg1/why_do_electricians_like_talented_train_drivers/
%
Have you met the guy with 5 dicks?

His underwear fits like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kuk0f/have_you_met_the_guy_with_5_dicks/
%
Did you hear about the cursed night bird that lives in the reservoir?

Well owl be damned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kujj0/did_you_hear_about_the_cursed_night_bird_that/
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I went to the garden store and bought a Christmas tree. The cashier asked “will you be putting that up yourself?”

To which I replied “no you sick bastard it’s going in my living room.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kuity/i_went_to_the_garden_store_and_bought_a_christmas/
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NSFW When I was 17, my mom caught me masturbating

She sent me to my room and told me my dad would talk to me after work.
When my Dad came home he sat me down and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind"
I said "I'm over here Dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kuhuq/nsfw_when_i_was_17_my_mom_caught_me_masturbating/
%
If I were rich I would give most of my money to the poor.

Instead I'm poor so I give most of my money to the rich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kuh8q/if_i_were_rich_i_would_give_most_of_my_money_to/
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a sick kid was asked to throw a ball in any direction

and he threw up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kug00/a_sick_kid_was_asked_to_throw_a_ball_in_any/
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Christmas

After checking that my wife had left, I snuck into our daughter's room as she lay fast asleep in bed. I knelt down beside her, as quietly as possible. I then slowly began to force her flaps open, before sliding my fingers in, one by one.
Overcome with hunger, I popped it into my mouth. I knew it was wrong, but I didn't care. Suddenly, her eyes opened, and as I quickly yanked my fingers back from within, she let out a terrible cry.
"Daddy, get the fuck out of my advent calender!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kudxz/christmas/
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There exists a Japanese gentleman with a great power: None of his family or friends can die

He's unbereavable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kuc3y/there_exists_a_japanese_gentleman_with_a_great/
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Mental hospital...

A man is brought into a mental hospital late one night, who claims to be Napoleon Bonaparte. Turns out, there is another patient there who also believes he is Napoleon, but is also flamboyantly gay. The director thinks it will be interesting to House them together overnight and see what happens.
In the morning, the director approached the gay Napoleon:
“Who are you, Sir?”
(Heavy French accent) “How do you not know that I am the great, Napoleon Bonaparte?!?”
“OK.”
He then asks the new patient- “And who are you?”
“Sacre’ bleu! You do not recognize Josephine, zee queen?!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kuaf2/mental_hospital/
%
Nice Legs..

A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ku8oz/nice_legs/
%
Where do fish sleep

Seabed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ktveo/where_do_fish_sleep/
%
In a hotel room at night, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep...

At night in a hotel room, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep: they tell various  political jokes. He tries to scare them:
"The KGB is listening to everything here!"
Those two just laugh and continue. Then he goes out and asks the room attendant to bring to the room three cups of coffee exactly five minutes later.
He returns, leans to the ashtray and says:
"Comrade Major! Three cups of coffee to our room, please!”
The attendant brings coffee. Stunned neighbors go to bed.
In the morning the joker wakes up alone. He asks the attendant where his neighbors are. She replies:
"At night, the KGB swooped in and took them!”
“And they did not take me? Why?”
“Comrade Major said he liked your ashtray joke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ktphx/in_a_hotel_room_at_night_two_neighbors_do_not_let/
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What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stopped at three ho's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ktnhp/whats_the_difference_between_santa_claus_and/
%
Grey hair is hereditary

You get it from your kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ktm98/grey_hair_is_hereditary/
%
I was gonna write a joke about sodium...

but NA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ktjoz/i_was_gonna_write_a_joke_about_sodium/
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A guy says to his friend...

My wife have died and I've been trying to cry infront of her family but just can't, his friend tells him try imagining her coming back to life....
Word on the street he's been crying for 2 days now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ktiiq/a_guy_says_to_his_friend/
%
My wife told me I had to stop peeing in the shower.

Or at the very least, wait until she's not in it anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ktigy/my_wife_told_me_i_had_to_stop_peeing_in_the_shower/
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I absolutely hate it when my tripod loses a leg.

I can't stand it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kti54/i_absolutely_hate_it_when_my_tripod_loses_a_leg/
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A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ktg8v/a_blonde_woman_asks_for_a_5000_loan/
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I refuse to take my dog on road trips any more

He can be such a bark seat driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kt6c8/i_refuse_to_take_my_dog_on_road_trips_any_more/
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Enter Password : chucknorris

Error: Password too strong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kt4er/enter_password_chucknorris/
%
My girlfriend got angry at me recently after asking me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently, “in HD” wasn’t the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kt2u3/my_girlfriend_got_angry_at_me_recently_after/
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If I photoshopped a medical license

Would that be a doctored image?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ksz5h/if_i_photoshopped_a_medical_license/
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Working at home sucks...

....if you’re a firefighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kswq8/working_at_home_sucks/
%
The teacher walks into the class…

As she walks in is written on the board “Johnny has a huge penis”, she erase the board, and proceed class.
In the next day as she walk in, is written again in the board, “Johnny has a huge penis”, she them looks at the class and asks who wrote that, but no one answers. She then erase and start class.
Next day same thing, “Johnny has a huge penis” written on the board, she them goes mad, looks at Johnny and yells “I will speak with you after class young man!”
In the next day as she enter the class, written even bigger in the board is “Marketing is the key of success!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ksw8q/the_teacher_walks_into_the_class/
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A businessman is spending Christmas in a hotel for a meeting.

As it happens, the city he’s visiting is host to the world’s largest chess tournament, and most of the competitors are staying in the same hotel.
The businessman doesn’t really interact with the chess players during his stay, since his meeting is on another floor. But one morning he comes down to the main level for breakfast, and finds all the players sitting in the lobby.
He sits and chats with them for a while, but quickly loses interest. All they can seem to talk about is how they beat their opponents in the tournament- cunning checkmates, superior positioning, board control and the like.
Suddenly, the hotel manager bursts out from behind the reception desk and screams for the chess players to get out at the top of his lungs. He says they can go anywhere, just not the lobby.
As they reluctantly get up to leave, the businessman confronts the manager on his outburst.
“Why did you make them leave, if they’re just going to move somewhere else in the hotel?” he asks.
“Well,” the manager responds, “I just can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ksw2d/a_businessman_is_spending_christmas_in_a_hotel/
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One moment everything's fine, the next you've ruined everything.

You're like a boolean china shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ksudg/one_moment_everythings_fine_the_next_youve_ruined/
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A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kst9f/a_man_takes_his_seat_at_the_world_cup_final_he/
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I always get the worst letters when I'm playing Scrabble...

Like the one telling me my grandmother died...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kst2c/i_always_get_the_worst_letters_when_im_playing/
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Two nuns sitting in a park bench were flashed. One nun had a stroke.

The other nun couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kssk6/two_nuns_sitting_in_a_park_bench_were_flashed_one/
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So,Yesterday, my dad caught me having sex with the babysitter....

2 Hours later, my mom caught all of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ksnxt/soyesterday_my_dad_caught_me_having_sex_with_the/
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What do conservatives hate about mixed ethnicity math classes?

There's too much integration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ksk9d/what_do_conservatives_hate_about_mixed_ethnicity/
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If you ever have trouble spelling the word "Christmas" this holiday season, just remember:

There's Noël.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kshu0/if_you_ever_have_trouble_spelling_the_word/
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I heard diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your JEANS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kshp4/i_heard_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ksfv2/never_date_a_tennis_player/
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I was going to give my family a cat for Christmas,

Unfortunately it died before the 25th... I guess it makes it a future present that passed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ksfah/i_was_going_to_give_my_family_a_cat_for_christmas/
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What's the difference between soap and my group project partner?

Soap works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kseth/whats_the_difference_between_soap_and_my_group/
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Green chameleon for sale...

No, a red one.
No, blue.
No wait, a pink one.
Cool.
Never mind, I'm keeping it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kse05/green_chameleon_for_sale/
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Faith vs Science

I’m not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I’ve seen what it can do to skyscrapers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ksd5d/faith_vs_science/
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I go to the chiropractor because my wife told me to.

At least I assume that's what she meant when she said, "Prove to me you have a spine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ksc13/i_go_to_the_chiropractor_because_my_wife_told_me/
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A husband and wife were golfing

when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The husband said, "No sweetie."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ks9vp/a_husband_and_wife_were_golfing/
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If the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body and the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, what controls the penis?

The vagina!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ks8vf/if_the_left_side_of_the_brain_controls_the_right/
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The deer hunters

Two guys are going deer hunting the next morning. They're over at one guy's house cleaning their rifles and sighting the rifles in, when the first guy says to the second "Hey, there's a naked guy in your bedroom with your wife!" The second guy hands him two shells and says,"Here, shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls." The first guy hands back a shell, and says,"If that's what you want I think I can do it with one shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ks2u1/the_deer_hunters/
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The Heroic Homeless Man

It’s December 2012, and Christmas is fast approaching. The snow is on the trees, gifts are being bought, and the lake in Central Park is frozen over. Children and the stents are skiing on the ice, having a great time. However suddenly, a little girl falls through the ice. Luckily, a nearby homeless man used to be a professional diver. The homeless man jumps in the water and saves the little girl.
Not long after, a man in a limousine, wearing a sharp suit drives up to the homeless man. The man in the suit tells the homeless man “That little girl you just saved was my daughter! What can I do to repay you?”. The homeless man insists no reward, because of his generosity. The man in the suit sneakily puts $10 in the homeless mans pocket, just so that the homeless man isn’t left without reward.
A few days later, the homeless man finds the $10 in his back pocket. He thinks “Well, I’ve got the money now. Might as well use it”..The homeless man then goes into a travel agency, slams the $10 on the counter and requests a holiday. The lady behind the desk is quite shocked, however she has been working at the agency for 50 years, and not once has she failed to deliver. The lady goes into the back office and finds a holiday for $10. It’s a cruise on a luxury boat, sailing from the US to the UK. However there’s a catch...
The reason the trip is so cheap is because the homeless man must stay in the ships cargo hold. He is not allowed to go up onto main deck, as someone might see him. The homeless man agreed to this of course, because it’s a holiday nonetheless. So eventually the day of the cruise comes around. The homeless man goes into the cargo hold and is left to his own devices.
At night, after day 1, the homeless man feels rebellious, so he goes up to the top deck, which is abandoned because all the passengers are sleeping, and he starts using the diving board and the pool, he does tricks and whatnot, because as we know, he is a former professional diver.
The captain of the cruise spots the homeless man doing all these tricks, and rather than giving him into trouble, he sees an opportunity. The captain asks the homeless man “Sir, we have a big water show coming up on the last day of the cruise. Would you like to show off your skills? In return, you get a free ticket to come on the returning cruise”. Of course, the homeless man agrees to this, as he has no other way to get home. However, the homeless man has one condition. The captain must build a giant diving board, that goes all the way up into space, so that his tricks seem more impressive. The captain agrees to this.
It’s the day of the water show! The homeless man walks on the top deck, and he begins climbing the ladder to the diving board. He goes up and up, passing cloud level, then the international space station. Eventually he reaches the top. He is almost touching the moon. The homeless man summons the courage and then jumps off. The speck of blue that is earth enlarges as he falls (let’s just ignore gravity, by the way). Soon the ocean is visible, then the ship, then the ships pool. The homeless man hits the pool, and goes straight through the bottom. He goes through 1st, 2nd, and 3rd class. He passes the boiler room and goes out the bottom of the ship. He hits the earth surface, and drills into the earth core.
The homeless man swims back up to the boat and everyone is clapping, they are all amazed!
A little girl approached the homeless man and asks “Mister, how on earth did you do that? That was crazy!”, to which the homeless man replies:
“Well little girl, I’m no stranger to going through hardships”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7krwl8/the_heroic_homeless_man/
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7krvud/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
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What do you call a bee tha comes from America?

USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7krq6c/what_do_you_call_a_bee_tha_comes_from_america/
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Hey neighbour, the plumber is outside with your new kitchen basin, waiting for you to open the door.

Let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7krpb6/hey_neighbour_the_plumber_is_outside_with_your/
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There is no “I” in team...

But there’s an “us” in anus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kro8j/there_is_no_i_in_team/
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You can’t really blame Donald Trump for not believing in Global Warming

He’s permanently surrounded by snowflakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7krmgx/you_cant_really_blame_donald_trump_for_not/
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Why don't they play board games in Africa?

Because there's to many cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7krlaf/why_dont_they_play_board_games_in_africa/
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Welsh night club

I’m currently living in wales, working at a nightclub called YBYD (“The World” in Welsh).
I work there with a friend of mine from Gwynedd name Yraes (pronounced Urr-Ice).
He’s kind of a shitlord, he always gives our manager a hard time (constantly pranks people).
Couple of years ago Yraes put “never gonna give you up” in the DJ’s playlist and not that long ago he replaced a bottle of Smirnoff with vinegar, still don’t know how he isn’t fired.
So last Friday I open up the club and get hit with a swarm of flies , as I walk inside I see thousands of the fuckers flying everywhere.
I instantly called my manager Iw (pronounced Yoo, fucking Welsh names).
Turns out some retard forgot to clean the sinks out on Sunday and a shit tonne of flies laid their eggs in there.
So I called an exterminator and he said there’s probably between 8-12 million of the fuckers alive, and it will take 5-7 hours to kill most of them… we open in 3 hours.
Fuck it, the show must go on.
I spend the entire night running around swatting flies, I must have killed a thousand of the bastards (I felt like the Rambo of flies).
By the end of the night I am exhausted and ready to pass out, I pour some rubbing alcohol down the sink to kill as many eggs as possible and go to my car, debating on whether to sleep in it tonight.
Yraes comes outside and screams “the sinks on fire!”
Naturally I thought he was joking (since he is a prankster)
He says “no, I’m serious it’s on fire. I put my cigarette out in the sink and it caught fire.
Sure as heck there are now flames inside, so I open the doors and see thousands of bugs, on fire, flying out the sink.
“Jesus call Iw!” I said.
He calls the manager and she hangs up on him, thinking it’s a prank.
At this point the club is fully engulfed in flames and we had to get out, and I cannot give a single fuck.
I went back to my car to sleep.
My friend Yraes is still trying to get a hold of Iw.
Iw would not believe Yraes
If ten million fire-flies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7krkgm/welsh_night_club/
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My drunk uncle is Santa Claus

He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7krj9p/my_drunk_uncle_is_santa_claus/
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
Probably repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7krh2a/i_phoned_the_local_gym_and_i_asked_if_they_could/
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A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.
"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do."
The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men."
The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!"
The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7krds7/a_doctor_a_priest_and_an_engineer_go_golfing/
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What do you call an emo a cappella group? (NSFW)

Self harmony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kr5mj/what_do_you_call_an_emo_a_cappella_group_nsfw/
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In London this Christmas one in 5 children will not get a gift from Santa

One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas dinner with their parents
One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas tree in their house
This is not a message from the Salvation Army or unicef for you to donate
One in every 5 kids in London is a Muslim and they don’t celebrate Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kr4xl/in_london_this_christmas_one_in_5_children_will/
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Morning!

I was walking through a graveyard yesterday morning, and saw a guy crouched down behind a grave stone.
"Morning!" I shouted.
"Nah, just taking a shit!" He responded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kr4wu/morning/
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Why’d the mortician get fired?

For sleeping around the office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kr24d/whyd_the_mortician_get_fired/
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I went to a bar last night that didn’t play any 70s music

At first I was afraid. I was petrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kr0ko/i_went_to_a_bar_last_night_that_didnt_play_any/
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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." " Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kqzql/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_in_west_virginia_and/
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I thought I'd study for my trig test best while out in the sun.

But I'm still not feeling tan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kqwi2/i_thought_id_study_for_my_trig_test_best_while/
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What's the difference between an atheist and a theist?

A theist leaves a little space for Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kqp0t/whats_the_difference_between_an_atheist_and_a/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The bar tender: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The forth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a …” The bar tender interrupts: “Oh, fuck the lot of ya!” …and he pours a single full beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kqk45/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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90's American kids will never get this!

Social Security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kqjmu/90s_american_kids_will_never_get_this/
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Prehistoric womens had very strong arms

Yea, we have to remember that they had to wash dishes made out of stone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kqe9c/prehistoric_womens_had_very_strong_arms/
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A boy and his mom went for a walk...

The boy sees two dogs going at it. The boy asked his mom “ what are they doing?”
“O they are just making a puppy, dear!” The boy nods and they walk home. Later that night the boy hears weird noises coming from his parents room and gets up to investigate.
He opens the door and sees his dad on top of his mom and asked “Daddy, what are you doing to mommy?!”
“We are making a baby.” The boy thinks for a moment and finally says
“Well, flip her over! I want a puppy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kq9zq/a_boy_and_his_mom_went_for_a_walk/
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What's an electrician's favorite breakfast?

Ohmelettes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kq787/whats_an_electricians_favorite_breakfast/
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90yr old man goes to the doctor...

" You're in great shape! How do you manage it?" says the doc.
" I drink a bottle of whiskey everyday to kill the germs."
" You gotta stop that, it's bad for you!"
10yrs later, the man comes back for a check-up.
" Well you're still in great shape, did you stop drinking that whiskey?"
" Hell no, now i drink  2 bottles a day!"
" Well stop! That stuff will kill you!"
At 110, the man comes in for a check-up.
" You're still in great shape, don't tell me you're up to 3 bottles a day!"
" Nay, I had to cut back to 1 bottle a day."
" I KNEW it would cause you troubles! What happened to make you cut back?"
" I found I couldn't get it up every night, and my wife wants sex every night, so I cut back."
" Wait, you have sex EVERY night, at 110yrs old? How do you manage that?"
" Easy, I married an 18yr old woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kq6up/90yr_old_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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A woman golfer walks up to a grounds keeper..

A woman golfer walks up to a grounds keeper and says, "I just got stung by a bee!"  "Where at??" Asks the grounds keeper.  "Between the first and second hole." Replied the woman.  The grounds keeper looks her up and down and says, "Well, It sounds like your stance is too wide."
Credit: I heard this joke a long time ago and don't claim to be the op.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kq3ur/a_woman_golfer_walks_up_to_a_grounds_keeper/
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A Man Walks Into a Zoo

There is only one animal and it's a dog. It's a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kq27e/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo/
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I quit smoking cold turkey

Now I just eat it like everybody else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpz90/i_quit_smoking_cold_turkey/
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A man has sex with one hundred women and he's a stud.

A woman has sex with one stud and it's bestiality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpx8t/a_man_has_sex_with_one_hundred_women_and_hes_a/
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Checking the Rear

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpwdm/checking_the_rear/
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No Pants Grandpa

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck... so this was your Grandma's idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpvre/no_pants_grandpa/
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What do you call a truckload of vibrators?

Toys For Twats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpve1/what_do_you_call_a_truckload_of_vibrators/
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WHAT DO WE WANT?! TIME MACHINE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!

doesn't matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpvb6/what_do_we_want_time_machine_when_do_we_want_it/
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Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpv7d/where_did_sally_go_when_the_bomb_went_off/
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Kermit the Frog walks into a bank...

Kermit the Frog walks into a bank and goes up to a teller. He reads her name tag and says "Hello Patricia Whack, I was hoping to take out a loan. I'm Kermit Jagger and my father is Mick Jagger". Now, Patricia is taken aback not only by this talking frog but his father. However, if he has some form of collateral, he's eligible for a loan so she asks "Well Mr Jagger, what can you put down as collateral for your loan?" In response, Kermit pulls out a small white ceramic elephant and hands it to her. Patricia can't figure out what it is or what it's value is, so she goes out the back to her manager. She takes the small ceramic elephant and says "Sir, I've got a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims his father is Mick Jagger. He's looking for a loan and gave me this as collateral" and hands the manager the small ceramic elephant. To which he replies,
"It's a knick knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpv55/kermit_the_frog_walks_into_a_bank/
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After a trip to the ER last night a friend of mine said they diagnosed him with Cornarectia

Sounded serious so I ask him what exactly is Cornarectia.
He replied, “Cornarectia is when the optic nerves become tangled up with the nerves in the anus causing me to have a crappy outlook on life”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kprwh/after_a_trip_to_the_er_last_night_a_friend_of/
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[NSFW] So me and my wife had sex recently

My wife and I had sex recently.
She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I did so and it would appear I need a new bulb. Does anybody have a spare one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpr5d/nsfw_so_me_and_my_wife_had_sex_recently/
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Yesterday I lost 100 sheets of sandpaper...

But I have a rough idea where they are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpq20/yesterday_i_lost_100_sheets_of_sandpaper/
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What is a fascist’s favorite breakfast cereal?

Mueslini.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpor4/what_is_a_fascists_favorite_breakfast_cereal/
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What do gay horses eat?

"hayyy ;)"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpmnt/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
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So i ate donkey,

Didnt like it though, it tasted like ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpljh/so_i_ate_donkey/
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A guy was meeting his friend in the bar

As he walked in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpl81/a_guy_was_meeting_his_friend_in_the_bar/
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Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are having a lightsaber battle

Darth Vader says to Luke " I know what your getting for Christmas"
Luke says "eh?"
Darth Vader says again to Luke " I know what your getting for Christmas"
Luke says " how would you know that?"
Darth Vader says " I felt your presents"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpc5r/darth_vader_and_luke_skywalker_are_having_a/
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I hated being a pirate in school...

All I got was seven seas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kpb7n/i_hated_being_a_pirate_in_school/
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I hate it when people ask me where I see myself in 3 years.

I mean, I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kp8fn/i_hate_it_when_people_ask_me_where_i_see_myself/
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I saw two janitors making out

And I said hey, get a broom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kp86g/i_saw_two_janitors_making_out/
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What's the difference between math and meth?

I do one at parties when I want to have a good time...
And the other is meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kp76v/whats_the_difference_between_math_and_meth/
%
A lot of screwing around

a boy asks his dad if he can go on a date.
"with who?" says the dad
"elizabeth brown" says the boy. "Do you know her?"
oh, uh, son. There is somethigg you need to know. a long time ago I did quite a bit of screwing around, and... she is your half sister.
the boy storms away.
the next week, the boy asks "I saw this nice girl names margaret johnson"
"sorry. same applies" says the dad.
"she is your half sister, but don't tell mom, ok?"
the boy says he won't, and walks away.
the next evening he rattles off 20 or so names, and the father says they are all his half sisters.
"I'll never find a girlfriend cuz of you pervert." the boy says in exasperation.
he is so mad he tells his mother about all the girls in his class being related to him cause his dad fathered them.
"oh, don't worry son." and then she wispers "he's not your real dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kp6h0/a_lot_of_screwing_around/
%
Chauncey and Edgar catching up....

Chauncey and Edgar were very old friends who had not seen each other for a while and they wanted to catch up.   Edgar invited Chauncey over for lunch.  "We're getting on in years" Chauncey said.  "Do you still get out much like we used to?"   "Not like the old times" replied Edgar.  "But I still manage a good dinner out once in a while.  Why just last weekend I had the best baked stuffed lobster I think I've had this side of Bar Harbor.  That was a treat!"  "You know how much I love lobster" said Chauncey.  "I want to try that for myself.  What's the name of the place?"
"Now you're putting me on the spot" complained Edgar.  "My memory ain't what it used to be.  I forget names and places, but I think I remember something about a flower."  "Daisy?  Violet?  Buttercup?"  prompted Chaunce, hoping to jog his memory.  "Naw that's not it, one of those red ones that smell good."   "A rose?"  asked Chauncey?   "yeah that's the one!"
" **HEY ROSE!!!!**   What was the name of that restaurant we went to last friday?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kp566/chauncey_and_edgar_catching_up/
%
I finally get why Santa's elves are small

Most of our mass produced presents are made through child labor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kowty/i_finally_get_why_santas_elves_are_small/
%
A little Muslim kid losts his mom at the supermarket

The assisant asks him: "What does your mom look like?"
The kid says: "I have no idea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kowhk/a_little_muslim_kid_losts_his_mom_at_the/
%
So I saw Amy Schumer perform live...

The Kentucky Derby really is magical!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kovix/so_i_saw_amy_schumer_perform_live/
%
What do you call a sink full of mayonnaise?

*Sink o de mayo.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7koufh/what_do_you_call_a_sink_full_of_mayonnaise/
%
What's every bungee-jumper's favorite pasta?

Farfalle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7koubx/whats_every_bungeejumpers_favorite_pasta/
%
What's the difference between an outlaw and an inlaw?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kou5a/whats_the_difference_between_an_outlaw_and_an/
%
Puns about communism...

Puns about communism aren't funny unless everybody gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kotmu/puns_about_communism/
%
Click.... Click.... Click....

Bait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kop9e/click_click_click/
%
The bartender says: "i'm sorry i don't serve time travelers"

Two time travelers walk into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7koldk/the_bartender_says_im_sorry_i_dont_serve_time/
%
What did Forrest Gump say to the bowl of pasta?

I love you, Penne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kogzq/what_did_forrest_gump_say_to_the_bowl_of_pasta/
%
Genders are like Twin Towers.

They used to be two of them but now they are sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7koebc/genders_are_like_twin_towers/
%
Subtle difference between slut and a bitch.

A slut will sleep with anyone and a bitch will sleep with anyone but me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kodb0/subtle_difference_between_slut_and_a_bitch/
%
Parking spaces are just like women

If all the good ones are taken, stick it in a disabled one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kochj/parking_spaces_are_just_like_women/
%
Blind basketball players...

You've got to hand it to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ko8x9/blind_basketball_players/
%
What do you call a woman who can't stand up straight?

Eileen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ko2h5/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_cant_stand_up/
%
There was a contortionism competition it my town.

So I entered myself, and won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7knwyq/there_was_a_contortionism_competition_it_my_town/
%
My parents tried to surprise me with a car on Christmas

They missed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7knvxj/my_parents_tried_to_surprise_me_with_a_car_on/
%
The lord said to Abraham, "Come forth and I'll give you eternal life."

Abraham came fifth. He won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7knrt0/the_lord_said_to_abraham_come_forth_and_ill_give/
%
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7knq0x/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
My neighbor thinks I spy on her..

I would tell her otherwise, but she's in the shower right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7knpgc/my_neighbor_thinks_i_spy_on_her/
%
What is Hitler's favorite letter?

I don't know, but one thing's for sure: it's definitely not Z.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7knlil/what_is_hitlers_favorite_letter/
%
What do you order an exorcist to do?

To get the hell outta here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7knhx2/what_do_you_order_an_exorcist_to_do/
%
New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kngeo/new_technology_uses_bacteria_to_power_a_laptop/
%
Concerning the jokes in Star Wars - The Last Jedi

They all seemed a bit forced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kn931/concerning_the_jokes_in_star_wars_the_last_jedi/
%
Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient's organ?

Apparently it was an inside joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kn8k3/did_you_hear_about_the_surgeon_who_branded_his/
%
Why did Santa go to jail?

Several young women came out saying that santa asked them if they were naughty or nice when they were on his lap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kn54s/why_did_santa_go_to_jail/
%
Beech or birch

Two trees stood side by side in the forest: a beech tree and a birch tree. One day, the beech tree noticed a sapling growing in between the two of them. So the beech tree said to the birch tree, "Look at that baby tree down there. You suppose that's a son-of-a-beech or a son-of-a-birch?" The birch tree replies, "That's damn sure a son-of-a-birch - I can tell," while the beech tree says, "No way no how. That little guy's a son-of-a-beech." So the birch tree asks a woodpecker who happened along, "Hey Woody - why don't you fly on down there and tell us whether that baby tree is a son-of-a-beech or a son-of-a-birch." So the woodpecker flies down, and pretty soon the trees hear the loud tapping noise that signaled the woodpecker was at work. In fact, he was down there so long that the beech tree and the birch tree started to worry. In time, the woodpecker flies back up and they ask him, "So, was it a son-of-a-beech or a son-of-a-birch?" And the woodpecker replies, "Neither one, but it was the best piece of ash I ever stuck my pecker in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kn2r4/beech_or_birch/
%
Every weekend I tell myself, John, you should stop drinking...

Luckily I'm not John.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kn222/every_weekend_i_tell_myself_john_you_should_stop/
%
I just saw a "Breaking News" link from Fox News come across my Facebook feed

Fully thought it was their new slogan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kmzm0/i_just_saw_a_breaking_news_link_from_fox_news/
%
I hate indecisive people...

I think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kmxt2/i_hate_indecisive_people/
%
Why don't churches have WiFi?

They don't want an invisible power that actually works

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kmw7i/why_dont_churches_have_wifi/
%
A 7 year old girl

was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " SEX: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at sex that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kmuqf/a_7_year_old_girl/
%
If you're happy and you know it

Can you please get along to the theatre where Snow White and the other six dwarves are waiting for you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kmunx/if_youre_happy_and_you_know_it/
%
Why wasn't the CIA employee able to go home to visit his family for Christmas?

Because he was Snowden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kmkut/why_wasnt_the_cia_employee_able_to_go_home_to/
%
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.
“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.
“What did he say?” asked the man.
He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kmk7n/a_jewish_father_was_very_troubled_by_the_way_his/
%
What do you call a Chinese boxer?

Pun Ching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kmk2i/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_boxer/
%
Friends

Back in the '90s my then-wife and I used to watch the TV show Friends, and as people did we would compare ourselves to the characters in the show.  I always said I was the Chandler of our group because I felt I was the sarcastic, funny one, and my then-wife would always come back with saying I was more like Ross because he was whiny.  We'd laugh about it, but when she eventually left me for her girlfriend I realized I should have paid more attention to what she was saying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kmjfo/friends/
%
A guy tried to cure his depression with Viagra.

It didn't work. Things were getting harder and harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kmj1v/a_guy_tried_to_cure_his_depression_with_viagra/
%
I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kmii1/i_used_to_have_confidence_issues_because_of_my/
%
What did 20 do when he got hungry?

28

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kmgyg/what_did_20_do_when_he_got_hungry/
%
I would have graduated from Ninja School

But nobody knew I was in the class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kmdj0/i_would_have_graduated_from_ninja_school/
%
A wife took her husband to a strip club as a birthday treat.

The doorman greeted them, "Hi Jim! How are you?"
"How does he know you?" asked the wife. "Oh dear, I play football with him," said Jim.
Inside, the bartender asked, "Hello Jim! The usual?"
Jim turned to his wife. "Before you say anything, he and I are on the darts team."
Then a stripper walked up to them. "Hi Jim! You craving the Special again?" she giggled.
The wife had enough and stormed out, dragging Jim along and pulling him into a taxi with her.
The cab driver turned around. "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up a butt ugly one this time ..."
Jim's funeral is on Saturday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7km8o3/a_wife_took_her_husband_to_a_strip_club_as_a/
%
What does a man who just raped 300 million people say after?

“We are helping consumers and promoting competition,” Mr. Pai said. “Broadband providers will have more incentive to build networks, especially to underserved areas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7km6xf/what_does_a_man_who_just_raped_300_million_people/
%
What is the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at 3 ho’s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7km5o0/what_is_the_difference_between_santa_and_tiger/
%
Sinks can't open doors.

Let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7km14m/sinks_cant_open_doors/
%
What does Donald Trump and a mathematician have in common?

They both like to eliminate radicals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7klzsu/what_does_donald_trump_and_a_mathematician_have/
%
This guy walks into a bar

Asks the bartender for a drink then pulls out a small piano and a man about a foot tall. The little man sits at the piano and begins playing a beautiful Beethoven sonata.
Amazed, the bartender asks to find out the story behind this mini musician.
The man tells the bartender that he was on vacation in Costa Rica and after a long night of partying he decided to talk a walk on the beach. While walking, the man trips over something in the sand. He pulls it out and dusts it off. Immediately after dusting, a genie pops out and says you may have 1 wish, anything you'd like.
Before the man could continue, the bartender interrups and says "so you wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kly7q/this_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the time Trump took viagra?

He just got taller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7klrq1/did_you_hear_about_the_time_trump_took_viagra/
%
What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7klqys/whats_heavier_a_ton_of_bricks_or_a_ton_of_feathers/
%
Don't you hate it when...

You check under the bed for the boogeyman but said boogeyman came out on the other side and start touching your bum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7klp0u/dont_you_hate_it_when/
%
A man and his wife are driving around

When suddenly another car crasher right on the passenger's seat.
The man then rushes his wife to the hospital where she is taken to the operating room for surgery.
8 hours pass and the man has been waiting outside worried for his wife, when the door opens and the doctor comes out exausted and says to the man: -"We have to talk, come with me"
The two go to the doctor's study and the man says: -"Doctor please tell, is my wife allright?"
-"Dont worry, she is fine" says the doctor "but she needs to sit for 2 years in a special wheelchair that costs 12.000 dollars".
-"We dont have that much... but i'll find a way, anything to help her" says the man.
And then the doctor adds : - "And she also need to do physical therapy every month for the next 3 years and every session costs 1000 dollars"
The man begins to despair : - "I dont know how to do this but I'll find a way"
And the doctor : - "She also needs to take these medicines for the rest of her life that are made only in Vatican City and cost 600 dollars for pill"
The man then breaks into tears "This is a tragedy! we'll have to make enormous sacrifices to sustain this life, I'll never get the money to do all this!"
And then the doctor, with a smile on his face says : -" Cheer up! I'm joking! She's dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7klojb/a_man_and_his_wife_are_driving_around/
%
Who knows where Jesus is today?

A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I
know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kll9m/who_knows_where_jesus_is_today/
%
I tell myself I should cut back on my drinking...

..but I am not gonna listen to a drunk who talks to his self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kljfl/i_tell_myself_i_should_cut_back_on_my_drinking/
%
I was going to go to the Psychics Conference.

But it was closed due to unforeseen circumstances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7klala/i_was_going_to_go_to_the_psychics_conference/
%
This guy was making fun of my friend Line for his funny name...

So he socks him right in the face and I say,
"Good punch Line. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kl6m3/this_guy_was_making_fun_of_my_friend_line_for_his/
%
The wife just gave me a massive bollocking for throwing a snowball at our son.

To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kl4vp/the_wife_just_gave_me_a_massive_bollocking_for/
%
Cortana:

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kl4jo/cortana/
%
A King enrolled his donkey in a race & won

Local papers read:
“King’s ass won”
The king was so upset with this kind of publicity. So he gave the donkey to the queen.
The local papers then read:
"Queen has the best ass in town"
The king & queen were both upset..
Queen then sold the donkey to a farmer for 100$.  Next day papers read:
"Queen sold her ass for 100$"
The queen didn’t know what to do..
The next day king ordered the queen to buy back the donkey and leave it in jungle.
The paper’s finally read:
"Queen announces her ass is free & wild"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kkzvw/a_king_enrolled_his_donkey_in_a_race_won/
%
Why are men smarter during sex?

Because they are plugged into a fucking know-it-all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kkvdo/why_are_men_smarter_during_sex/
%
Excited about Net Neutrality Repeal

Now all my opponents will have the same ping as I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kktxt/excited_about_net_neutrality_repeal/
%
Our local barber just got arrested today

Apparently he's a drug dealer, which is really weird because I've been his client for 7 years and never knew he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kko8o/our_local_barber_just_got_arrested_today/
%
Why did the gay man go to Iran?

He heard the gays there were hung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kkm5y/why_did_the_gay_man_go_to_iran/
%
My little sister knocked me out the other day

I mean what kind of sick fuck puts chloroform in their dirty underwear anyway?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kkl1b/my_little_sister_knocked_me_out_the_other_day/
%
I hate it when women turn off the light before having sex...

It makes it really difficult for me to see them through the window...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kkgd6/i_hate_it_when_women_turn_off_the_light_before/
%
I’ve been single for so long

that I forgot what a woman’s penis looks like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kk8rt/ive_been_single_for_so_long/
%
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby

He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.
She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away, unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him  tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kk7k0/a_woman_playing_golf_hit_a_man_nearby/
%
My wife told me she's leaving me on account of my pasta fetish.

I'm feeling cannelloni  right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kk6n0/my_wife_told_me_shes_leaving_me_on_account_of_my/
%
I changed my last name to 'Batman' the day before my wedding

My Father-in-Law didn't enjoy the wedding of Dan and Anna BATMAN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kjuo9/i_changed_my_last_name_to_batman_the_day_before/
%
I used to have a dog...

He was a son of a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kjtib/i_used_to_have_a_dog/
%
A man wanted his wife murdered

So he approached an assassin named Arti. He told Arti "I do not have money, but once the bitch's dead, I'd collect the insurance payout and pay you." Arti replied "Fine, but surely you can pay me $5 as advance payment?" The husband agreed and duly paid the $5.
The next day, Arti tailed the man's wife to a supermarket, which was the perfect time to kill her. He choked her to death and was about to make a getaway when he saw the store supervisor witnessed the whole thing. Wanting to cover his tracks, he choked the supervisor too.
But as luck would have it, Arti's crime was caught by the shop's security cameras. In no time, he was arrested by the cops. The press got wind of it. A local daily then ran the following headline "Arti chokes 2 for $5 in supermarket".
(Heard this joke given by a Buddhist monk in a talk. Credit to him, who heard it from his friend.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kjtc8/a_man_wanted_his_wife_murdered/
%
First we had No Nut November....

Now we have No Net December.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kjrf0/first_we_had_no_nut_november/
%
Why did the semen cross the street?

Because I put on the the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kjkrn/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_street/
%
I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kjk4q/i_just_saw_a_video_of_someone_crushing_a_6_pack/
%
Finally, thanks to gender fluidity I can be what I always have been.

A lesbian trapped in a man's body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kjj11/finally_thanks_to_gender_fluidity_i_can_be_what_i/
%
Two red blood cells fell in love

Alas it was in vein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kjhns/two_red_blood_cells_fell_in_love/
%
What do you call a Mexican who steals spaceships?

Rogue Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kjb6d/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_steals_spaceships/
%
There's this Incest competition.

I'm going to enter my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kjb07/theres_this_incest_competition/
%
Not trying to brag or anything...

But I have never lost in the Olympics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kj9lr/not_trying_to_brag_or_anything/
%
Why can't Hindus get in fights?

They're not allowed to have beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kj38m/why_cant_hindus_get_in_fights/
%
If you ever feel your job sucks...

Just remember that there's the poor bastard in the factory who puts turn signals on BMWs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kizv6/if_you_ever_feel_your_job_sucks/
%
Thanks to The Last Jedi...

I am no longer the biggest disappointment in my fathers life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kix08/thanks_to_the_last_jedi/
%
An engaged couple dies and goes to heaven.

They ask St. Peter, "Are there  weddings in heaven?"
St. Peter tells them he'll get back to them.
Six months go by, then a year.
Finally after two years, they get a call from St. Peter asking if they still want to get married. They say yes, and get married. A marriage made in heaven!
It isn't long before they realize they weren't meant for each other. So they ask St. Peter if there is such a thing as divorce in heaven.
St. Peter responds, "It took us two years to get a priest up here. How long do you think it will take us to get a lawyer?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kivzz/an_engaged_couple_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they're never in the light anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kiq3f/how_many_bass_players_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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"SANTA BEGONE!"

That's the last time I hire a dyslexic priest! Now my family can't celebrate Christmas and my daughter's possessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kip9y/santa_begone/
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A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office

Wearing nothing but Saran wrap, the doctor says - “ well sir, I can clearly see your nuts”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kinel/a_man_walks_into_the_psychiatrists_office/
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Why did Conor McGregor get a Chihuahua?

He wasn't ready for a Boxer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kiknv/why_did_conor_mcgregor_get_a_chihuahua/
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Dave (I repost this because its hilarious)

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kijzy/dave_i_repost_this_because_its_hilarious/
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A dad and his son are watching a movie when a sex scene pops up.

Dad: Son, please leave the room.
Son: Dad, I'm 23 years old!
Dad: I don't give a fuck how old you are; you're not watching me beat my meat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kij4e/a_dad_and_his_son_are_watching_a_movie_when_a_sex/
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NSFW - sex problem

A guy goes to the doctor and says, “I got this sex problem, doc”.
“Well”, says the quack, “Tell me about your average day”.
“Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for a nookie and then again about 5 o’clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work.”
“Oh I see”, said the doc.
“No, hang on”, said the man,”…you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there.”
“Oh….now I see”, said the quack.
“No you don’t”, said our hero. “When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom”. “Oh….now I see”, said the quack.
“No no no”, he said. “When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I’m very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie”. “Now I understand”, said the patient doctor.
“No, hang on”, said the bloke. “When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she’ll give me the sack.”
“Ahh….”, said the doctor, “now I see..”
“No, there’s more”, said our man, “when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex after dinner.”
“What’s your problem?”, asked the doc.
“Well…”, said our hero, “it hurts when I wank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kihgf/nsfw_sex_problem/
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A big moron and a little moron were sitting on a log. The big moron fell off, but the latter remained. Why?

Because he was a little more on!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kigxy/a_big_moron_and_a_little_moron_were_sitting_on_a/
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Why can’t pirates finish the alphabet?

Because they got lost at C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kifnq/why_cant_pirates_finish_the_alphabet/
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There are two types of people in this world.

1.	People who can extrapolate information from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kiddb/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Yo mama so old...

...she preordered the Bible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ki9i8/yo_mama_so_old/
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Did you hear about the person who invented the "knock-knock" joke?

He won the Nobel prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ki8mh/did_you_hear_about_the_person_who_invented_the/
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A guy walks into a bar, and is greeted by a robot.

The robot says, “What’s your drink”? The man replies, “Whisky”. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ”? The man says 150. The robot then pours his whisky and proceeds to talk to the man about the space time continuum, time travel, and the multiverse. The man finishes his drink, and leaves the bar.
As he was walking out, he thought, “I’m gonna try that again, see if I get a different response.” So he walks back in and the robot asks him again, “What’s your drink?”. The man again says “whisky”. The robot asks him for his IQ, and this time the man says 110. The robot pours his drink and begins to talk about nascar and normal people talk. He finishes his whisky and exits the bar.
He gets the idea to try it again. He walks back in, and again the robot asks him “What’s your drink?”. The man says “Whisky”. The robot asks “What’s your IQ?”. The man replies “50”. The robot pours his drink and says “You still upset Hillary lost?”
My dad came up with this one, thought I’d share it with you guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ki42m/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_is_greeted_by_a_robot/
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Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ki263/jesus_moses_and_an_old_man_go_golfing/
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“Can you work a pole?”

So the other night my friends and I are having a few drinks and our one female friend is an ex-stripper, so we got into the topic of dancing and she looked at me and said “yeah, can you work a pole xschlots?” And for some reason the first comment that comes out is “I mean yeah my family’s mostly German. Working poles was our thing” I have never heard a more deafening silence followed by laughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ki1v9/can_you_work_a_pole/
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You know you're drunk when you've got to swerve to avoid a pine tree in the middle of the road...

...only to realize it was the air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ki1ot/you_know_youre_drunk_when_youve_got_to_swerve_to/
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Never give up your dream.

Keep sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ki0n5/never_give_up_your_dream/
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Hey girl, are you a Chinese immigrant from the 1800s?

Because I want to make you mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ki0dw/hey_girl_are_you_a_chinese_immigrant_from_the/
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Another farmer asked me why I had branded my bull with the Apple logo.

I replied "to stop it from charging".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7khzu5/another_farmer_asked_me_why_i_had_branded_my_bull/
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A man robs a bank.

Robber: Give me all your money or you're geography!
Employee: Don't you mean history?
Robber: Don't change the subject...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7khz8h/a_man_robs_a_bank/
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What's the definition of TRUST?

Two Cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7khxyz/whats_the_definition_of_trust/
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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day...

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7khw33/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_my_very_first_day/
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Why aren’t vegans allowed to eat pudding?

Cuz you can’t have your pudding if you don’t eat your meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7khukb/why_arent_vegans_allowed_to_eat_pudding/
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A biology teacher runs into a bank holding a flower.

He says "Everybody on the ground, I have a pistil!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7khtx3/a_biology_teacher_runs_into_a_bank_holding_a/
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Why do cemeteries have a fence around them?

Because people are dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kho21/why_do_cemeteries_have_a_fence_around_them/
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Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kho1x/remember_back_in_the_day_when_your_tv_wouldnt/
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Hey girl are u a brain tumor?

Cuz i cant get u outta my head and its killing me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7khmm0/hey_girl_are_u_a_brain_tumor/
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What does an election and an erection have in common with each other?

They're only one letter different, and both are about a dick rising to power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7khhi2/what_does_an_election_and_an_erection_have_in/
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How does NASA organize a party?

They Planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7khcxa/how_does_nasa_organize_a_party/
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kh9sz/a_woman_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
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Hey girl, are you a Firestarter?

Because you're definitely tinder material.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kh66z/hey_girl_are_you_a_firestarter/
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Two fish are in a tank and one says to the other...

CAN YOU DRIVE THIS THING?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kh59m/two_fish_are_in_a_tank_and_one_says_to_the_other/
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Hey girl, are you a large concrete structure forming an artificial lake?

...because dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kh1m7/hey_girl_are_you_a_large_concrete_structure/
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I finally fixed that annoying sound in my car.

I opened the door and pushed her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kh1lk/i_finally_fixed_that_annoying_sound_in_my_car/
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Yo moma so ugly...

... that we forgot she’s fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kh1jn/yo_moma_so_ugly/
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My girlfriend is the square root of -100

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kgqwu/my_girlfriend_is_the_square_root_of_100/
%
Love is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kgp0u/love_is_like_a_fart/
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My girlfriend roleplays as my mother a lot

I keep disappointing her while she drinks more wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kgmo7/my_girlfriend_roleplays_as_my_mother_a_lot/
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For Christmas all I want is a circle of $100 bills...

Ya know, a wreath of Franklins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kgm78/for_christmas_all_i_want_is_a_circle_of_100_bills/
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"Sir, you've gone mad with power!"

“Of course I have! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring, no one listens to you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kgm1i/sir_youve_gone_mad_with_power/
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Biker and a Chicken

A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store/ livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchase home.
The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.
In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.
The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a shortcut down this alley and be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kglbk/biker_and_a_chicken/
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"Hey bro, so I just got diagnosed with a dairy allergy."

"No whey, man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kgg98/hey_bro_so_i_just_got_diagnosed_with_a_dairy/
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In the beginning there was only Chaos.

Then God blessed it and said: "Be fruitful and multiply."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kgfc9/in_the_beginning_there_was_only_chaos/
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What does a painter do when he gets cold?

Puts on another coat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kgaxc/what_does_a_painter_do_when_he_gets_cold/
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It only took me 20 minutes to get the Christmas tree up this year.

Took doctors 4 hours to get it back out again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kg752/it_only_took_me_20_minutes_to_get_the_christmas/
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What do you get when you cross human DNA with goat DNA?

....Kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kg56j/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_human_dna_with/
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What do you call a fat midget on a merry go round?

A fidget spinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kg4tv/what_do_you_call_a_fat_midget_on_a_merry_go_round/
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Dang girl, are you a depolarizing cell membrane?

'cause you look like action potential!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kg3hw/dang_girl_are_you_a_depolarizing_cell_membrane/
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but....

Unaffordable health care keeps them at bay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kg1p9/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away_but/
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Why does Snoop Dog use an umbrella?

Fo’ drizzle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kg1nj/why_does_snoop_dog_use_an_umbrella/
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I reeled in a 6 foot 1 inch catfish

That weighed 280 lbs on Tinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kfvxe/i_reeled_in_a_6_foot_1_inch_catfish/
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My cousin was born without eye lids

so when they circimsised him they used his foreskin to graft eyelids for him. The surgery went fine but he's a little cockeyed now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kfscv/my_cousin_was_born_without_eye_lids/
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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kfpkh/its_strange_to_see_christians_advocating/
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A guy goes speeding down the freeway at 2am on a Sunday morning, when he gets stopped by a cop.

Officer: Son, i've been waiting for you all day.
Driver: Sorry officer, i got here as fast as i could.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kfphs/a_guy_goes_speeding_down_the_freeway_at_2am_on_a/
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Creating a bad password...

It's as easy as 123.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kfkhu/creating_a_bad_password/
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How does a rabbi make coffee ?

Hebrews it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kfi0f/how_does_a_rabbi_make_coffee/
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A guy I wrote into a joke asked me to tell him if I was ever introduced to his girlfriend.

I said sorry, I never meta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kfcgf/a_guy_i_wrote_into_a_joke_asked_me_to_tell_him_if/
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Why did the condom fly across the room?

It got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kf2xz/why_did_the_condom_fly_across_the_room/
%
I am faced with a Christmas dilemma

If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I’ll definitely be on the naughty list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kf2rn/i_am_faced_with_a_christmas_dilemma/
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7 year old daughter was looking at mom's driving licence and saw sex:F and started laughing

She then said you must. be so bad at sex to get an  F no wonder dad's with the maid all the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kf0fh/7_year_old_daughter_was_looking_at_moms_driving/
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Pavlov's birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kex15/pavlovs_birds/
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The first rule of vegan club

Always talk about vegan club

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7keugi/the_first_rule_of_vegan_club/
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What do you use to take a cow's temperature?

A thermoometer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ket4g/what_do_you_use_to_take_a_cows_temperature/
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Three things I cannot stand:

* stupid people
* judgemental people
* double standards
* people who can't count
* lists
* irony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kempi/three_things_i_cannot_stand/
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Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?

To protect themselves from a salt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kely5/why_do_slugs_carry_pepper_spray_when_they_go_out/
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teach a man to hunt and he will eat for life

hunt a man and he will never starve again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kelix/teach_a_man_to_hunt_and_he_will_eat_for_life/
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How do farmers party

They turnip the beets, and dance the night away to Mooosic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kel7v/how_do_farmers_party/
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what is the speed limit of sex?

It’s 68. because at 69 you will have to turn around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7keha3/what_is_the_speed_limit_of_sex/
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Wanna hear a paper joke?

Nah, you won't like it, it's tearable...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kegm4/wanna_hear_a_paper_joke/
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What do girls and cold fusion have in common?

Science still doesn't understand either of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kef1e/what_do_girls_and_cold_fusion_have_in_common/
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The Last Jedi was really good

Definitely in my top 10 Star Wars movies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kedg2/the_last_jedi_was_really_good/
%
Why did the Mexican man throw his wife off of a cliff?

Tequila!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ke64x/why_did_the_mexican_man_throw_his_wife_off_of_a/
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ke39g/whats_brown_and_sticky/
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If Donald Trump gets coal in his stocking...

Is he happy or sad about it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ke26o/if_donald_trump_gets_coal_in_his_stocking/
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A dwarf walked into a bar.

The bar for this joke is set pretty low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kdyyq/a_dwarf_walked_into_a_bar/
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Damn girl are you a smoke alarm?

Because you're really fucking loud and annoying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kdy4h/damn_girl_are_you_a_smoke_alarm/
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I met a girl in Thailand and when we went back to her place I had an unpleasant surprise...

She was a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kdx8s/i_met_a_girl_in_thailand_and_when_we_went_back_to/
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What's the difference between a Dragon Ball Z episode and a Markiplier video?

A *Dragon Ball Z* episode doesn't have as much screaming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kdwx1/whats_the_difference_between_a_dragon_ball_z/
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Damn girl are you a parked car?

Because I would have to be drunk as fuck to hit that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kdv2z/damn_girl_are_you_a_parked_car/
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Women are like fine wines

You can get them cheaper if you go abroad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kdu4g/women_are_like_fine_wines/
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Why can't Mexicans play Uno?

They always steal all the green cards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kdu0m/why_cant_mexicans_play_uno/
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A polish man gets interviewed because of his travel to America

The interviewer asks him: "Why did you travel to America?"
"I went to America to polish up my English", the man answered
The interviewer answers: "Your English is Polish enough"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kdra4/a_polish_man_gets_interviewed_because_of_his/
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I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so...

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
~~She fainted.”~~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kdojf/i_recall_my_first_time_with_a_condom_i_was_16_or/
%
Many surnames can tell you what a person is

* Smith is a blacksmith
* Draper is a cloth merchant
* Archer is a bowman
* Pai is a cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kdnky/many_surnames_can_tell_you_what_a_person_is/
%
american vs Russian in strong man competition.

In a world series of strong men, an American and a Russian made it to the finals. In the final they had to go in to 3 different rooms and fulfil 3 tasks
1.  Drink 3 bottles of the strongest alcohol and come out on your feet
2.  Break and bring back 2 teeth of a Lion
3. Fuck the ugliest woman in the world
The American did splendidly on the 1st task. For next one he did bravely and brought back teeth of the Lion after 10 minutes of furious fight. But when he went in to the 3rd door, he gave up.
Now the Russian just had to finish the 3 tasks and win. He went in laughing for the 1st challenge and in minutes finished the task. But he looked nervous going in to the 2nd. However he gathered courage and went in. People could hear the screams and anticipated the worst. After 30 gruelling minutes the Russian came out,scratches all over and bloody. And asked,
"Now, where's the woman whose teeth I have to break?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kdlkh/american_vs_russian_in_strong_man_competition/
%
Excuse me, are you a beaver?

Because damn girl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kdewz/excuse_me_are_you_a_beaver/
%
The FCC must be a cactus

Because it's full of pricks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kdcnq/the_fcc_must_be_a_cactus/
%
My doctor asked if I was OK with giving a stool sample

I said I dont give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kd9op/my_doctor_asked_if_i_was_ok_with_giving_a_stool/
%
Damn girl are you a reddit user?

Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kd82h/damn_girl_are_you_a_reddit_user/
%
TIFU by not waking up in time to go to a funeral

Then again, I have never been much of a mourning person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kd7wr/tifu_by_not_waking_up_in_time_to_go_to_a_funeral/
%
I can tell how uncomfortable a person is...

...just by hugging them for 18 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kd71q/i_can_tell_how_uncomfortable_a_person_is/
%
Damn girl are you a car?

Cuz you're hard to maintain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kd60t/damn_girl_are_you_a_car/
%
I lost 80 pounds last week

I simply switched from imperial to metric

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kd4ah/i_lost_80_pounds_last_week/
%
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kd0j1/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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[math][star wars]{no spoilers}

What do you call the derivative of the First-order in Star Wars?
The second-order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kcyvw/mathstar_warsno_spoilers/
%
Damn girl, are you a hot car in July?

Cuz I wanna leave a baby in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kcw8o/damn_girl_are_you_a_hot_car_in_july/
%
There are two types of people in traffic.

Me and those who can not fucking drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kcuao/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_traffic/
%
The funeral planner died.

They weren't quite sure what to do with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kcu2m/the_funeral_planner_died/
%
A Frenchman staying at a hotel in England calls room service and asks for some pepper...

"What kind of pepper would you like, sir? Black pepper, white pepper, red pepper?" asked the manager.
He replied, "Toilette pepper!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kcswc/a_frenchman_staying_at_a_hotel_in_england_calls/
%
Kevin Bacon once had a friend named Johnny Eggs

They were known as Kevin and Johnny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kcoxy/kevin_bacon_once_had_a_friend_named_johnny_eggs/
%
blowjob!!

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kcoii/blowjob/
%
A man gets on to an elevator.

He asks the woman next to him; “can I smell your pussy?”
“Certainly not!” She replies.
“Oh,” he says.
“That must be your feet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kci3y/a_man_gets_on_to_an_elevator/
%
I'm addicted to molasses...

It's a viscous circle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kceay/im_addicted_to_molasses/
%
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kc9b2/what_is_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
How do you fix a flat pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kc85j/how_do_you_fix_a_flat_pumpkin/
%
Interviewer: So Japan, I hear that you're the least obese country in the world. How did you achieve this?

Japan: Ah. So did I ever tell you what happened the last time we had a Fat Man in Japan?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kc7uv/interviewer_so_japan_i_hear_that_youre_the_least/
%
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kc7ro/why_did_the_toilet_paper_roll_down_the_hill/
%
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?

Because the pilot was terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kc5pe/why_did_the_sitcom_about_airplanes_never_take_off/
%
Im a scientist researching bestiality

If you need me I'll be in my lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kc5ak/im_a_scientist_researching_bestiality/
%
Creating a new password

Enter password
'Snowflake'
Re-enter password
'Snowflake'
Your passwords are not alike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kc413/creating_a_new_password/
%
I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom
(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kc2tm/i_ground_up_my_ctrl_key_and_gift_wrapped_it_the/
%
What is the difference between a Snow-Man and a Snow-Woman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kbx3x/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...

The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you sexually active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"
Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you weren't sexually active?" The blonde responded, "I'm not. I just lie there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kbtke/a_blonde_went_to_the_doctor_for_birth_control/
%
A vegan, a bitcoin trader and someone who didn’t vote in 2016 walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kbkrc/a_vegan_a_bitcoin_trader_and_someone_who_didnt/
%
Some women like flowers, others like something a little more sexy, so I've combined the two...

Hope my wife likes her daffodildo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kbk6h/some_women_like_flowers_others_like_something_a/
%
What's the difference between a soprano and a porsche?

Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kbj1n/whats_the_difference_between_a_soprano_and_a/
%
What has more holes than fake news?

Batman's parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kbdhs/what_has_more_holes_than_fake_news/
%
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but plastic wrap

The doctor takes one look at him and says “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kbc68/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
%
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?

They had tablets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kbc3g/did_you_know_they_didnt_have_smart_phones_in/
%
What criminal offense do college students commit the least?

Resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kbc36/what_criminal_offense_do_college_students_commit/
%
Want to come out of the capsule and do a spacewalk with me?

No pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kbbsg/want_to_come_out_of_the_capsule_and_do_a/
%
"What is the largest body of water in the world?" Quiz contestant: "The ocean?"

Asker: "I'm sorry, you're going to have to be more Pacific."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kbbo6/what_is_the_largest_body_of_water_in_the_world/
%
How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

It sure as shit ain't three...my basement is dark as fuck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kb7bc/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Damn girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kb78u/damn_girl_are_you_a_newspaper/
%
My new thesaurus is terrible.

And not only that, it’s terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kb36f/my_new_thesaurus_is_terrible/
%
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kb2tc/whats_the_difference_between_roast_beef_and_pea/
%
Wrapping paper isn't horrible.....

it's tear-able!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kayxf/wrapping_paper_isnt_horrible/
%
My therapist says that I have revenge issues.

We'll see about that, won't we?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kavg0/my_therapist_says_that_i_have_revenge_issues/
%
What do you call a kid who doesnt believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kao75/what_do_you_call_a_kid_who_doesnt_believe_in_santa/
%
Pistachio can’t

But pecan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kani4/pistachio_cant/
%
Your mama is so fat

When she went to the court house and the judge said 'order, order', she said 'a burger and chips please!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kalts/your_mama_is_so_fat/
%
How does Harry Potter like to go down hills?

Walking...
J.K. Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kaii6/how_does_harry_potter_like_to_go_down_hills/
%
What does Medusa often say to guys before she turns them to stone?

My eyes are up here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kaf8d/what_does_medusa_often_say_to_guys_before_she/
%
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living....

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kad7l/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
%
I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kab6t/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_shed_like_a_day_of/
%
"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7kaa3v/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
%
I know an old bakers secret

I’d tell you but it’s on a kneed to know basis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ka683/i_know_an_old_bakers_secret/
%
Officer, if you are what you eat

Then I'm an innocent man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ka5qq/officer_if_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
Can't afford condoms?

Use latex gloves instead. They're cheaper, and you can use them five times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ka5gk/cant_afford_condoms/
%
What happened when the dentist married a manicurist?

They fought tooth and nail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ka4gi/what_happened_when_the_dentist_married_a/
%
Have you heard my forelimb joke?

It's quite humerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ka3kb/have_you_heard_my_forelimb_joke/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*Intense gagging sounds*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ka2y7/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
If you get caught stealing in most countries, the police take your fingerprints and release you...

If you get caught stealing in Iran, the police take your fingerprints and you don't get them back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9zzv/if_you_get_caught_stealing_in_most_countries_the/
%
Women.

Women will always say, the most excruciating  pain in Life is Child Birth, I think different, I say the most excruciating pain in life is a kick in the Bollocks, after a couple of Years A Woman will say, shall we have another Baby, do Men look up and say can I have another kick in the Bollocks??..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9zhf/women/
%
My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9zai/my_wife_and_i_often_laugh_about_how_competitive/
%
Is it racist that I won't date a black guy?

Or is it just that I'm not gay?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9ymd/is_it_racist_that_i_wont_date_a_black_guy/
%
What does a jolly Santa put on his Eggs Benedict?

Happy Hollandaise!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9t3m/what_does_a_jolly_santa_put_on_his_eggs_benedict/
%
What's the difference between a CoD player and a baby?

A baby eventually grows up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9rj2/whats_the_difference_between_a_cod_player_and_a/
%
Did you hear the Score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9qy8/did_you_hear_the_score_of_the_egypt_vs_ethiopia/
%
It's hard to tell puns to kleptomaniacs

They always take things literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9oos/its_hard_to_tell_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
Damn girl are you a Rubik's cube?

Because fuck you, you stupid piece of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9og2/damn_girl_are_you_a_rubiks_cube/
%
Did you hear about Avengers: Infinity Wars?

It's said to be Marvel-ous!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9o3t/did_you_hear_about_avengers_infinity_wars/
%
How do you get an apple pregnant?

You cum in cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9nfl/how_do_you_get_an_apple_pregnant/
%
Trump and Obama at the barber

Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9lxg/trump_and_obama_at_the_barber/
%
What do you do when your gf starts smoking?

Get a better lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9lvh/what_do_you_do_when_your_gf_starts_smoking/
%
Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9k75/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
An American boasts to a Soviet about the freedom of speech he has.

He says, "I can literally walk up to the oval office and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country' and I won't get into any problem at all!"
The Soviet replies, "I can do the exact same, too. I too can literally walk up to the Red Square and say, 'Comrade Brezhnev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country' and not get into any problem!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k9fyc/an_american_boasts_to_a_soviet_about_the_freedom/
%
I don’t like blunt arrow heads.

They are pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k923p/i_dont_like_blunt_arrow_heads/
%
This lawyer has a $70,000 retainer...

He must care a lot about his teeth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k919b/this_lawyer_has_a_70000_retainer/
%
With Net Neutrality gone I’m finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons

You may laugh now, but you won’t be when my pigeons deliver nudes faster than your service provider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k90wp/with_net_neutrality_gone_im_finally_ready_to/
%
Grandpa was summoned for an audit

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8st3/grandpa_was_summoned_for_an_audit/
%
I've heard so many theories about why America won't drop the imperial system

But we all know it's really just a foot fetish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8pvu/ive_heard_so_many_theories_about_why_america_wont/
%
When I was a kid, my aunt told me men are a pain in the ass (OC)

Now I understand why her nickname was backdoor girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8puy/when_i_was_a_kid_my_aunt_told_me_men_are_a_pain/
%
Man goes to a psychiatrist wearing only saran wrap for shorts.

Psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8pht/man_goes_to_a_psychiatrist_wearing_only_saran/
%
What did the octopus say when the fisherman cut off its tenticles?

See ya later suckers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8o04/what_did_the_octopus_say_when_the_fisherman_cut/
%
I finally got around to reading Stephen Hawking's book...

...It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8lr5/i_finally_got_around_to_reading_stephen_hawkings/
%
Financial adviser meeting

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What's your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8ko4/financial_adviser_meeting/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They're practical, and not very good at humor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8jg7/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A guy walks into a pub in England...

He sits at the bar and a beautiful barmaid, with ample cleavage on view, asks what he would like. He says " A pint and a pie and a few kind words".
So she brings him the pint and a few minutes later  brings him the pie. As she is walking away he says "What about the few kind words?" She looks at him seductively, leans over to show off her assets to the full and says "Don't eat the pie".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8ixp/a_guy_walks_into_a_pub_in_england/
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One day I shot an elephant in my pajamas.

How he got in my pajamas I'll never know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8hgv/one_day_i_shot_an_elephant_in_my_pajamas/
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Did you hear about the Catholic man who brought a bird into a confessional?

He said he had committed a cardinal sin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8flv/did_you_hear_about_the_catholic_man_who_brought_a/
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How come if people can grow up to 8 feet

I only see people with two feet. . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8fd6/how_come_if_people_can_grow_up_to_8_feet/
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Hey England, you know what oday is?

“Where’s the T?”
“We threw it in the harbor, 244 years ago”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8ej9/hey_england_you_know_what_oday_is/
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What's the best part of old age?

It doesn't last very long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8d3l/whats_the_best_part_of_old_age/
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When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a sledgehammer it’s “art” and “music”

But when I do it I’m “drunk” and “ruining the wedding”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8cdl/when_miley_cyrus_gets_naked_and_licks_a/
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A man goes to the doctor...

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that his penis is way too long, 50cm to be exact, and it's not working out for him and he needs to have it shortened.
The doctor tells him that there's nothing medicine can do for him but there is something else that may work. He tells him that there's a forest a little out of the city, in the forest is a lake, and in the lake lives a magic frog. He tells him to go and ask the frog to marry him and every time the frog says no his penis will become 10cm shorter.
The man thinks this is really weird but decides to try anyway so he drives to the forest and walks into it until he comes to the lake where he sees a frog.
"Will you marry me?" The man asks the frog.
The frog is confused and says "No...?"
The man looks inside his pants and notices that his penis is 10cm shorter. Ecstatic the man asks the frog if he will marry him again.
"I just told you. No!" The frog says.
The man looks inside his pants again and notices that his once 50cm penis is now but 30cm. He figures losing 10cm more would make it the perfect length.
"Will you marry me?" The man asks once more.
The frog gets annoyed and tells him "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? NO! NO! NO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k88al/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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My kids keep on taking the piss out my alzheimers..

Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8817/my_kids_keep_on_taking_the_piss_out_my_alzheimers/
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Why can't North Koreans go to heaven?

Because they don't have a Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k87i6/why_cant_north_koreans_go_to_heaven/
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Not a fan of the Disaster Artist...

I hope he doesn't get re-elected in 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k84b7/not_a_fan_of_the_disaster_artist/
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What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipes his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k83yp/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_he_dumps_his/
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In the past, empires were ruled by emperors, then kingdoms were ruled by kings.

Now we have countries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k81r5/in_the_past_empires_were_ruled_by_emperors_then/
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This horse is sitting at home one day watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k8183/this_horse_is_sitting_at_home_one_day_watching_mtv/
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The new french tank has 14 gears

Thirteen go backwards, one goes forwards in case the enemy attacks from behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k803q/the_new_french_tank_has_14_gears/
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Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve

They all arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at them and says “In order to enter, you must present me with one item that reminds you of Christmas and gives you Christmas Spirit”
The men are confused, but the first one reaches into his pocket and takes out his keys. He says “the jingle of the keys remind me of Christmas bells” and St. Peter let’s him in.
The second man reaches into his pocket and pulls out some pocket lint. St. Peter says “What does that have to do with Christmas?” and the man replies “It reminds me of the hay in the manger where Jesus was born.” St. Peter let’s him in.
The last man is very worried as he pulls a pair of women’s underwear out of his pocket. And St. Peter looks at him and says “My word! How does that remind you of Christmas?!”
The man responds “They’re Carol’s”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k7wqg/three_men_die_in_a_car_accident_on_christmas_eve/
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Did you hear that Apple is coming out with YET ANOTHER new iPhone model?

Critics are calling it the iPhone Xs.
(Edit: I hate to put this here but: pronounced  like “Excess”)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k7qvb/did_you_hear_that_apple_is_coming_out_with_yet/
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What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?

Comet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k7qoz/whats_a_dinosaurs_least_favorite_reindeer/
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My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit
EDIT 2: Credit to Gary Delaney, for this is one of his one liners. Credit to the redditors who pointed it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k7pa6/my_grief_councillor_died_recently/
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This guy has a horrible wife.

She screams at him, hits him sometimes, and his life becomes miserable. The problem is that he’s a Roman Catholic, and he can’t divorce her. He’s sitting in a bar one night telling his friend his problem, and his friend says ”Why don’t you have her killed?”
The guy says “I don’t know anyone who does things like that.”  His friend says, “I do. He’s in the Mafia, his name’s Artie. Let me set you up with him?” The guy agrees, and finally meeets Artie. When Artie hears his troubles, he says, “That woman is horrible, I’d kill her for free, but the mob requires that I be compensated for my work. Tell you what, I’ll do it for one dollar.” The guy agrees, tells Artie when she’ll be home alone and all the particulars. On the appointed day, Artie goes to the house, looks in the window and sees that she has a couple of friends visiting. He says, “Crap, I’ll have to kill them all.” Artie slips in through the window and ends up strangling all three of them quietly. He thinks he did a great job, but, he left some fingerprints.
The next day, the headlines of the paper says “Artie chokes three for a dollar.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k7n23/this_guy_has_a_horrible_wife/
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Knock !!!!

My daughter told me this one. I hadn't heard it before.
daughter: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: I don't know.
daughter: She was going to visit the dummy.
Me: ?
daughter: Knock, knock
Me: Who's there?
daughter: The Chicken
Me: :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k7kc9/knock/
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An elderly lady at the bank asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k7k91/an_elderly_lady_at_the_bank_asked_me_to_check_her/
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My cat has been nibbling on the Christmas tree...

Now she's coughing up fir balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k7iit/my_cat_has_been_nibbling_on_the_christmas_tree/
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Self-deprecating jokes are great.

Not that I'm any good at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k7cft/selfdeprecating_jokes_are_great/
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If I had a dollar for every gender that exists...

I'd have two real dollars and the rest would be counterfeit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k7ak6/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender_that_exists/
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What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k77xl/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
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Hey girl, is your atomic number 11?

Because you're sodium fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k77uz/hey_girl_is_your_atomic_number_11/
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A German is talking to a Brazilian

The German says "Want to hear a joke," The Brazilian replies "Sure," "So, why was 6 afraid of 7" "I don't know, why?" "Because 7 won!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k75kj/a_german_is_talking_to_a_brazilian/
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An amnesiac walks into a bar

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k74oa/an_amnesiac_walks_into_a_bar/
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One day, when Donald Trump is dead, in his tombstone, we'll read: "HERE LIES DONALD TRUMP"

"EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD, HE'S STILL LYING!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k70k4/one_day_when_donald_trump_is_dead_in_his/
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My friends get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k6yl9/my_friends_get_mad_when_i_steal_their_kitchen/
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I was sitting on the train opposite this really hot Thai girl...

I thought to myself, "Please, don't get an erection! Please, don't get an erection!"
But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k6y24/i_was_sitting_on_the_train_opposite_this_really/
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80% of Americans want net neutrality

The other 20% are dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k6ubb/80_of_americans_want_net_neutrality/
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Poetry contest

A redneck and a Harvard graduate are in a poetry contest where they have to come up with a poem that has the word Timbuktu in it. The Harvard graduate goes first.
Amongst the desert sands
Away ride the caravans
Camels leaving, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu
The audience applauds, thinking that the redneck does not have a chance. Then the redneck goes.
Me and Tim a'huntin' went,
Found some whores in a pop up tent.
They was three and we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k6la4/poetry_contest/
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I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k6kxj/i_watched_a_soccer_game_that_ended_in_a_11_draw/
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How do you make an art student’s car go faster?

Just remove the huge Dominoes sign on top!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k6hwk/how_do_you_make_an_art_students_car_go_faster/
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What does a bumper sticker and an old man have in common?

The older they are, the harder they are to get off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k6h2z/what_does_a_bumper_sticker_and_an_old_man_have_in/
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What's the difference between an eagle and a snitch?

Nothing, they both talon you.
Here all night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k69o3/whats_the_difference_between_an_eagle_and_a_snitch/
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What do you call a camel with a flat back?

Humphrey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k682f/what_do_you_call_a_camel_with_a_flat_back/
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When you go on a fishing trip with a Mormon, how do you keep him from drinking all of your beer?

You invite another Mormon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k67np/when_you_go_on_a_fishing_trip_with_a_mormon_how/
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I started a Chinese-Nazi Facebook page

so far its got three reichs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k66zm/i_started_a_chinesenazi_facebook_page/
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I commissioned a sculpture of my cats butt...

It was a catastrophe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k647p/i_commissioned_a_sculpture_of_my_cats_butt/
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What does a water bottle identify as?

Gender fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k63iu/what_does_a_water_bottle_identify_as/
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I asked my Australian friend what he thought of American beer. "It's like sex in a canoe."

Fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k617j/i_asked_my_australian_friend_what_he_thought_of/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k5zww/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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What do you call a friend from Czechoslovakia?

Czechmate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k5y92/what_do_you_call_a_friend_from_czechoslovakia/
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I want a job cleaning mirrors

It's just something I could really see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k5vso/i_want_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
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NSFW. I’ve successfully grown a field of dildos,

Now I have a problem with squatters..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k5v1p/nsfw_ive_successfully_grown_a_field_of_dildos/
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Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k5pfe/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she's American and asks her students to raise their hands if they're American too...

Not really knowing why, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air like fireworks.
There is, however, one exception, a girl named Becky isn't going along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an American."
"Then, what are you?" asks the teacher.
"I'm a proud Canadian!" boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red and asks Kristen why she feels she's Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry and screams, "That's no reason! What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron!? What would you be then?"
A pause and a smile.
"Then," says Kristen. "I'd be an American."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k5l5x/a_first_grade_teacher_explains_to_her_class_that/
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Whoever designed the clitoris emoji is a genius.

Because I can't find it anywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k5isu/whoever_designed_the_clitoris_emoji_is_a_genius/
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Why were the star wars movies released 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8

In charge of planning, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k5dld/why_were_the_star_wars_movies_released_45612378/
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My friend and I recently watched the Star Wars films back to back in preparation for The Last Jedi...

unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the screen.
Creds: The one liner king Milton Jones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k5a0z/my_friend_and_i_recently_watched_the_star_wars/
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There was a kindly old Walmart greeter...

...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"
One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.
Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful children you have; are they twins?"
The lady snorts and replies back "Are you blind? They're five and seven and look nothing alike. How could anyone mistake them for twins?"
The old man, in his calm and cheerful demeanor, smiles broadly at the lady, and says, "Well, Miss, I didn't think anyone would want to fuck you twice."
My friend told me this joke awhile back. I'm not sure where he got it from, but it's one of my favorites, so if it's been posted before, whatever, it's still a good joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k577g/there_was_a_kindly_old_walmart_greeter/
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My friends hate it when I steal their kitchen utensils...

but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k520r/my_friends_hate_it_when_i_steal_their_kitchen/
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What would a russian whore tell you?

Putin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k4uxx/what_would_a_russian_whore_tell_you/
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Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k4q0f/funny_that_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_tons_of_girls/
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Eye doctor...

A world famous painter is diagnosed with a serious eye disease and is sure to lose his sight. He goes to a local eye doctor in desperation and after giving it some thought, he is able to reverse the disease and cure the man.
In gratitude, the painter goes to work painting a large rendition of a human eyeball in the doctor’s waiting room.
Three weeks later, the local press is there to cover the unveiling. At a given time, a curtain is dropped and there it is- a perfect rendering that takes up an entire wall. It is stunning in its perfection: every detail is there, from the iris to the little red veins.
Afterwards, a reporter asks the optometrist his thoughts:
“It’s nice... and I’m really happy I’m not a gynecologist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k4mxl/eye_doctor/
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How do billboards talk?

In SIGN language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k4lsx/how_do_billboards_talk/
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Barbies create unrealistic expectations of women

No woman's head reattaches THAT easily in my experience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k4lkt/barbies_create_unrealistic_expectations_of_women/
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What company perfectly describes my penis?

Microsoft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k4in5/what_company_perfectly_describes_my_penis/
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The world of hashtags is very accepting

i mean, #include is the most used hashtag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k4gjr/the_world_of_hashtags_is_very_accepting/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a little odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k4dzw/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't
have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k4d1i/once_upon_a_time_lived_a_beautiful_queen_with/
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What Did The Pirate Say On His 80th Birthday?

Aye matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k4beg/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k4b1d/a_husband_and_wife_are_shopping_in_their_local/
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If you ever feel like your job is meaningless or without purpose, just remember...

That someone out there is installing turn signals on a BMW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k46ko/if_you_ever_feel_like_your_job_is_meaningless_or/
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A person with a science degree asks "why does it work?" A person with an engineering degree asks: "how does it work?" A person with an accounting degree asks: "how much does it cost?" A person with an art degree asks:

"do you want fries with that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k46gp/a_person_with_a_science_degree_asks_why_does_it/
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What’s the best way to carve wood?

Whittle by whittle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k43yi/whats_the_best_way_to_carve_wood/
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Two stormtroopers were eating wookie steak...

One said to the other, "How's the steak?". The other replied, "It's a little Chewie..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k429r/two_stormtroopers_were_eating_wookie_steak/
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Last night I met a 5th dimensional hooker...

She blew my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k403p/last_night_i_met_a_5th_dimensional_hooker/
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A homophobic man walks into a gay bar

He gets a concussion. Turns out gay steel is just as hard as straight steel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k3yu0/a_homophobic_man_walks_into_a_gay_bar/
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A black man and a white man walk into a bakery.

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The white man replies, "Look in the black man's back pocket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k3ye4/a_black_man_and_a_white_man_walk_into_a_bakery/
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The Net Neutrality issue made me come to the sad realization...

I'll finally have to start paying for movies I get from Pirate Bay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k3vgl/the_net_neutrality_issue_made_me_come_to_the_sad/
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Why do they call the first episode a pilot?

Because without one, the show would never get off the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k3umz/why_do_they_call_the_first_episode_a_pilot/
%
Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad...

Wait until No Net December.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k3s5e/man_if_you_thought_no_nut_november_was_bad/
%
I think breastfeeding in public should be encouraged

There are a lot of hungry homeless people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k3pib/i_think_breastfeeding_in_public_should_be/
%
I often hear people having sex in the apartment next door, but my wife never believes me.

It always happens when she steps out for a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k3mw2/i_often_hear_people_having_sex_in_the_apartment/
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Women are like condoms.

They’re inside your wallet long before on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k3h6m/women_are_like_condoms/
%
Why couldn't I take my cocktail home with me?

It was a little Old Fashioned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k3grl/why_couldnt_i_take_my_cocktail_home_with_me/
%
What do you call Batman when he skips Church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k36b0/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_skips_church/
%
How does Luke Skywalker get around Endor?

'E walks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k35t3/how_does_luke_skywalker_get_around_endor/
%
Why are there fences around cemeteries?

People are dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k2z9t/why_are_there_fences_around_cemeteries/
%
Five cannibals

are hired as employees in a company.
Their first day at the company the boss tells them:
- Now you are part of the group, here you earn well, and if you are hungry you can go to the company canteen. So please, do not bother other employees!
The cannibals promise not to disturb others.
Four weeks later the boss comes back to the cannibals and tells them:
- You are all working well, I am very satisfied with you,
the company is doing very well. But yesterday one of the cleaning girls disappeared, the offices are dirty. Do any of you know what happened?
All cannibals say they know nothing about the girl.
But after the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals asks the others:
- Which of you idiots ate the girl?
One hesitantly raises his hand, and the leader of the cannibals reproaches him:
- Imbecile! For four weeks we ate senior executives; area managers and product managers, so that no one noticed anything, and you ..... you, did you really have to eat the cleaning lady?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k2x9k/five_cannibals/
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How do you know if your male roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k2uvu/how_do_you_know_if_your_male_roommate_is_gay/
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Father speaks with his son

Father : John, you know what your mother said when we first had sex?
Son : Dad stop !
Father : Exactly .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k2t3h/father_speaks_with_his_son/
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New boss: We don't like smart asses at this company, I want you to forget everything that you've learnt so far.

Me: gaga gugu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k2rcn/new_boss_we_dont_like_smart_asses_at_this_company/
%
A joke my grandfather told me as a kid.

After the passengers loaded on, the plane flew out of the airport. As they were getting airborn, an announcement came over the speakers: "Welcome to the first fully-automated flight. There are no pilots operating this plane, it's being operated entirely by a computer. Rest assured that rigorous testing has been run to ensure that the trip will be completely safe. Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k2owk/a_joke_my_grandfather_told_me_as_a_kid/
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Guy goes to prison

He has heard lots of stories so he always tries to shower only when noone else is around. This goes quite well for a couple of days.
Then one day, he drops the soap while showering. He timidly looks everywhere before bending over to make sure noone is around. Once he gets a hold of the soap though, he feels two big strong hands grippin him by the thighs - a huge inmate is towering over him.
The other inmate looks him in the eyes and asks: "With Spit?"
He ponders the short question, then decides that, given the possible outcomes of the situation, this might at least lead to a slightly less horrible experience, so he nods.
The giant looks behind him and shouts:
"Hey Spit, come on over - he's asking for a threesome!"
-
....
*shout out to my colleague who told me this, I hope nothing was lost in translation*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k2l16/guy_goes_to_prison/
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Why are priests called father?

Because 'daddy' would be too obvious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k2cqj/why_are_priests_called_father/
%
Why are programmers so immature?

They're still developing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k2cgs/why_are_programmers_so_immature/
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What do you call somebody who is an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?

Somebody who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k2aef/what_do_you_call_somebody_who_is_an_insomniac_a/
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I Googled a picture of purified water.

It’s still refreshing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k283o/i_googled_a_picture_of_purified_water/
%
Did you hear about the guy that set fire to the internet?

He was a PAIromaniac ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k1tcz/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_set_fire_to_the/
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Two condoms walk into a gay bar...

One looks to the other and says, "Welp, looks like we're getting shit-faced"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k1rrf/two_condoms_walk_into_a_gay_bar/
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What do you call a Filipino contortionist?

A Manila folder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k1kjn/what_do_you_call_a_filipino_contortionist/
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Why do gay men hate using a condom?

Can't feel shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k1jmb/why_do_gay_men_hate_using_a_condom/
%
That's the problem with writing books about suicide techniques

... you only get negative reviews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k1fh7/thats_the_problem_with_writing_books_about/
%
A man and his wife...

Are walking through the park when some grey clouds roll in. As the clouds open and water falls, the wife says, "Well isn't this a nice mist dear?" "Actually honey, it's rain," replies the husband. So they argue whether it's rain or mist for a little before the husband says, "You know what, how about we ask my communist friend Dolph? He is a little mean but he knows his rain."
So they go together to Dolph's house and the his and asks him, "Dolph, is this rain or mist?" "Why it's obviously rain you idiot, now go away!" Dolph exclaims
So as they're walking home, the husband says, "See, I told you rude dolph the red knows rain dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k1bgg/a_man_and_his_wife/
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What do you call a person with an opinion?

Names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k1bf2/what_do_you_call_a_person_with_an_opinion/
%
I saw a girl busking today.

She had a great voice and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k16fr/i_saw_a_girl_busking_today/
%
With the outrage regarding the repeal of Net Neutrality, it is important to remember that there are two sides to this issue.

The outraged side,
And the uninformed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k12wn/with_the_outrage_regarding_the_repeal_of_net/
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I'm really worried about the incredible amount of trash collecting in our oceans.

Seriously, I haven't seen that much recyclable garbage outside of r/Jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k0x0c/im_really_worried_about_the_incredible_amount_of/
%
Update on the crisis at the stair factory

The situation is escalating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k0twu/update_on_the_crisis_at_the_stair_factory/
%
I like my women like i like my coffee...

WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN IT. FUCK YOU RACHEL!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k0nwe/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A girl I've been trying to see finally called me and said "come over, no one's home"

I went over there...
no one was home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k0nja/a_girl_ive_been_trying_to_see_finally_called_me/
%
I like my coffee like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k0mbm/i_like_my_coffee_like_my_slaves/
%
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k0jns/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_a_wall/
%
Are you a USB port?

Because it takes me at least three tries to get it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k0jlh/are_you_a_usb_port/
%
I've been waiting for an hour in the doctors waiting to be called back for my colonoscopy...

Guess they are really backed up today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k0ibe/ive_been_waiting_for_an_hour_in_the_doctors/
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My porn kink is naked girls smoking pot.

I'm a weed wacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k0gtc/my_porn_kink_is_naked_girls_smoking_pot/
%
Im getting sick of destroy dick december..

Still waiting for jerk-off january and fap febuary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k0fbb/im_getting_sick_of_destroy_dick_december/
%
Some guy was texting and driving and nearly hit me.

I was so pissed i rolled my window down and threw my beer at him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k0b3c/some_guy_was_texting_and_driving_and_nearly_hit_me/
%
I was asked to bring an ugly sweater to a Christmas party.

But my ex-wife already had plans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k0aqu/i_was_asked_to_bring_an_ugly_sweater_to_a/
%
Why is Christmas just like another day in the office?

Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k09cz/why_is_christmas_just_like_another_day_in_the/
%
What is proof that Santa is a man?

No woman would ever wear the same outfit every year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k0913/what_is_proof_that_santa_is_a_man/
%
I have bought my wife a refrigerator for Christmas

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k08ps/i_have_bought_my_wife_a_refrigerator_for_christmas/
%
Got fired from work for drinking on the job

They're strict about that sort of thing at the sperm bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k085n/got_fired_from_work_for_drinking_on_the_job/
%
What's the worst part of working at a meat packing plant?

It's a total sausage fest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k07di/whats_the_worst_part_of_working_at_a_meat_packing/
%
Roy Moor arrived at the polling station on a horse

His assistant misunderstood when Roy said he wanted to ride  a 6 Year old bareback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k05pp/roy_moor_arrived_at_the_polling_station_on_a_horse/
%
Why does everyone think China's first lady is so naughty?

Because that's what Xi said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k04fp/why_does_everyone_think_chinas_first_lady_is_so/
%
Why don’t birds wear pants?

Because their pecker is on their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7k03ov/why_dont_birds_wear_pants/
%
Two men walk into a bar.

The first one says "I'll have some H2O"
The second one says "I'll have some H2O2"
The bartender brought out two glasses of water because he understood that the second guy meant too and not two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jzze3/two_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A guy went down the stairs from the 20th floor while looking out the window downstair of each floor

Then once he reached the ground floor he hugged the man sitting outside. Then the man said "what the fuck? Do I know you???" Then the guy said "i knew you when you were very little"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jztqq/a_guy_went_down_the_stairs_from_the_20th_floor/
%
If a cop car is stuck in reverse...

Does it need backup?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jzswi/if_a_cop_car_is_stuck_in_reverse/
%
If an apple exercises...

Is it a core workout?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jzsjh/if_an_apple_exercises/
%
Roy Moore still hasn't conceded, which actually makes sense.

How could anyone banned from mall food courts know anything about concessions?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jzr7i/roy_moore_still_hasnt_conceded_which_actually/
%
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

" It's gonna take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by a chicken"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jzqgd/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
%
One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody;

unless you are in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jzlhn/one_of_the_most_wonderful_things_in_life_is_to/
%
I heard that Chicago had a world renowned shooting range. So I went to go check it out. When I got there I couldn’t seem to find it, so I asked for directions...

The guy I asked gave me a funny look and said, “The city of Chicago is the shooting range.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jzl3f/i_heard_that_chicago_had_a_world_renowned/
%
Grandma and granddaughter

A grandma from a unnamed county was talking to her granddaughter about the insane progress made in the medicine field:
"When I was 20 years old the doctor, the head nurse, the doctor on duty, the emergency doctor, the paramedic and his asistant, the cleaning staff and even the doorman from the hospital entrane was called to fondle my breasts to check for breast cancer. These days I need to do it myself and report only, and only if I find something unnatural. And if I find something, only things that get to touch my breasts are medical devices."
"Strange, when I got myself checked I got the same analysis as you did when you were young."
On a serious note, please get yourself looked at if something dosen't feel right. Making a joke is easy, winning a battle with cancer is not easy. Fast diagnosis and treatement is crucial for recovery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jzkb3/grandma_and_granddaughter/
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Money is like women

Take good care of it or it'll be gone before you realize it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jzjpv/money_is_like_women/
%
Why do the FBI always wear sunglasses?

To protect their FB-eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jzchb/why_do_the_fbi_always_wear_sunglasses/
%
Why did the traffic light turn red?

The traffic caught it changing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jzce9/why_did_the_traffic_light_turn_red/
%
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jzaqh/vandals_have_attacked_the_national_origami_museum/
%
A vegan, a bitcoin trader, and someone who didn't vote in 2016 election all walk into a bar

Who tells you about it first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jza4u/a_vegan_a_bitcoin_trader_and_someone_who_didnt/
%
A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jz9jn/a_shy_cowboy_goes_into_a_bar/
%
People who use selfie sticks......

Need to have a good, long look at themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jz47h/people_who_use_selfie_sticks/
%
Wife And Husband.

Wife says to her Husband, did you know A Bull Fucks 3000 times a Year? Why can't You do That???? Husband replies, ask the Bull if He Fucks the same miserable Cow every Night..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jz3ed/wife_and_husband/
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What do you call an Indian man who has travelled all over, and experienced many things?

Binder Dundat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jyzyb/what_do_you_call_an_indian_man_who_has_travelled/
%
Personally I think removal of net neutrality will be great. It will offer our businesses new opportunities for development which will help the economy in the long run



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jyyzy/personally_i_think_removal_of_net_neutrality_will/
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There're only 3 types of people in this world.

Those who can count and those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jyv7l/therere_only_3_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
IPhone X sales have dropped in North-Korea..

Apparently one supreme face unlocks them all......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jyqxe/iphone_x_sales_have_dropped_in_northkorea/
%
Eating too much CAKE is the deadly sin of gluttony

But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jyjou/eating_too_much_cake_is_the_deadly_sin_of_gluttony/
%
What do you get when you combine Battlefront II with the internet of 2018?

Pai to play

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jyi13/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_battlefront_ii/
%
NSFW During a Linguistics lecture today, the teacher demonstrated how nouns can be turned into verbs;

for example "a brush is used to brush some one". My teacher gazed around the class, asking us for another example.
In retrospect, I don't think she liked the word "fist".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jyi02/nsfw_during_a_linguistics_lecture_today_the/
%
The Seven Dwarfs Go To Church

Father O'Malley was conducting mass at St. Paul's in New York one Sunday, and was quite perturbed at a repeated disturbance from the back row.
The seven dwarfs were in the church, sitting in a rear pew, and they were arguing and giggling amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance.
All of a sudden, Doc stands up and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?"
"No," said the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church."
This seemed to settle things, bit a little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and angering the priest.
Soon, Grumpy stands up and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the city?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, and there are no midget nuns in the city." says the priest.
Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the curate.
Next Happy stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in the county?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, there are no midget nuns in the city and there are no midget nuns in the county." says the priest, obviously getting upset.
The dwarfs continue their interference.
Sleepy stands up and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the state?"
The priest, now somewhat angered, exclaims "No, my son. There are no midget nuns in the church, there are no midget nuns in the city and there are no midget nuns in the county, and there are no midget nuns in the state. Now please let us continue with the ceremony."
Bashful pops up and asks, "But Father, surely there are midget nuns somewhere in the country?"
"No, my son. No, my son. There are no midget nuns in the church, there are no midget nuns in the city and there are no midget nuns in the county, and there are no midget nuns in the state, and there are no midget nuns in the country."
Sneezy immediately rejoinders, "How about the rest of North America? Surely there's at least one!"
The priest loses it. "Devils take you, no! There are no midget nuns in the church, there are no midget nuns in the city and there are no midget nuns in the county, and there are no midget nuns in the state, and there are no midget nuns in the country. There are no midget nuns in North America. I have never heard of a midget nun. As far as I know there are no midget nuns in the entire world. Now sit down, you little bastards, and shut up so that I can finish the mass!"
Soon afterwards, a low quiet chant began to be heard from the rear of the church....
.
.
"Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jyhwy/the_seven_dwarfs_go_to_church/
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How did Captain Hook die?

Jock itch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jy2e1/how_did_captain_hook_die/
%
I gave up my seat to a pregnant person on the bus.

That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jxxbz/i_gave_up_my_seat_to_a_pregnant_person_on_the_bus/
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Thats what grad students are for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jxu8u/how_many_professors_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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All I could use right now is some coffee and a....

So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the speaker, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know what I'd really want now? A cup of coffee and a nice blowjob." So now, a stewardess is panicking and makes a run for the cockpit to make him turn it off. As she's running, one of the passengers say "Don't forget the coffee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jxmu4/all_i_could_use_right_now_is_some_coffee_and_a/
%
I like my women to be like the Mona Lisa...

Her dad's not in the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jxdsb/i_like_my_women_to_be_like_the_mona_lisa/
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Golfing Priests

Two priests, one young and one old, were playing golf. The younger priest swung at the ball and shouted, "Damn it, I missed!" The older one reminded him, "Watch your language or God will punish you." The younger one had another swing and exclaimed, "Bloody hell!" The older one said again, "Watch your language or God will punish you." The younger priest tried again and shouted, "Shit! Not again!"
Before the old priest could say anything, a lightning bolt descended from the skies and struck the older priest. Immediately after, a rumbling voice echoed, "Fuck! I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jxcts/golfing_priests/
%
An old pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch walks into a bar

The bartender says:
”Whoa, that’s quite a get up you got there! Tell me how you got that peg leg.”
The pirate explains:
”Yarr! Ah lost me leg in a mighty battle with the toyal navy!”
The bartender asks:
”Wow, how about the hand?”
Pirate:
”’twas me old nemesis Racham the Red cut it off afore I scewerd ’im like a sow at a buffet!”
Bartender:
”Wow, that’s quite a story! How’d you end up with the eye patch?”
Pirate:
”Seagull shat in me eye...”
Bartender:
”A seagull shat in your eye? Really? How bad could that be?”
Pirate:
”Arr... ’twas the first day with me new hook...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jxb91/an_old_pirate_with_a_peg_leg_a_hook_for_a_hand/
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A father takes his son on a fishing trip

On their tiny boat, Little Tommy realises that that the floor is covered in a mess of different nets. He looks up to dad and asks, "Dad, why do we need so many kinds of nets?"
Dad smiles gently and looks into his young son's eyes.
"Back in my day, when I went fishing with my own dad we only needed one net! Nowadays, we need one specifically for trout, herring, bass and all the different kinds of fish!"
Little Tommy listens yet is still confused and tugs on his father's cargo pants
"But what changed Daddy?"
Dad pats the top of Little Tommy's head and sighs
"Nets became prejudiced to the type of fish they caught."
"There's no Net Neutrality now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jx8l2/a_father_takes_his_son_on_a_fishing_trip/
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I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand.

Seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jx4on/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_to/
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I hope your internet is kinky

Because it's about to get choked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jx2l0/i_hope_your_internet_is_kinky/
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Girl: come over. Guy: I’m coming over.

Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jx10y/girl_come_over_guy_im_coming_over/
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Trump runs this country like he runs many of his buisnesses

Into the ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jwyos/trump_runs_this_country_like_he_runs_many_of_his/
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How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

Because she found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jwyi2/how_did_rihanna_find_out_chris_brown_was_cheating/
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What does every women deserve from their man, starts with a 'D', and goes in their mouth?

Dinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jwx4i/what_does_every_women_deserve_from_their_man/
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I decided to watch some YouTube videos today

Should I sell my car or house first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jwx08/i_decided_to_watch_some_youtube_videos_today/
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John and Sam were brothers.

Neither were married.  John lived with their mother and Sam lived with his beloved cat.
One day, Sam learned that he had to go out of town for business.  Not wanting to leave Fluffy alone for two weeks, he asked John to watch her.  John agreed, and Sam brought her over a few days later.
Every night, Sam would call and ask how Fluffy was.  For the first four nights, John told him she was just fine.  But on the fifth night upon being asked, John blurted out,  “Fluffy’s dead!”
Sam nearly died of heartbreak.  When he composed himself a bit, he said,  “John, that is not how you break news like that to someone!  You don’t just blurt out information like that!  You have to break it to them gently!  Tonight when I called, you should’ve said, ‘Fluffy got up on the roof, but she is okay, we’re trying to get her down.’  Then the next day you could’ve said,  ‘Fluffy fell off the roof, but we took her to the vet and he’s doing everything he can.’  Then the *next* day, you could say,  ‘Sorry Sam, but Fluffy died.’  I could’ve handled that better!”
John said,  “Wow, Sam, I guess I was pretty insensitive.  I’m real sorry.”
“Oh, I know you didn’t mean any harm,”  replied Sam.  “So how is Mom?”
“Mom got up on the roof, but she is okay, we’re trying to get her down.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jwwza/john_and_sam_were_brothers/
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The good news is that the X-Men Can now crossover with the avengers

The bad news is we’re gonna need to meet up in person to discuss it because the internet’s fucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jwwm3/the_good_news_is_that_the_xmen_can_now_crossover/
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What do you call a female weed dealer that sells to breast cancer patients?

A Ma'am A' Gram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jwri6/what_do_you_call_a_female_weed_dealer_that_sells/
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One Last Blow

Some soldiers are deep behind enemy lines and were cornered. One soldier shouts out "Hey fellas, before I die, I want one last blow job. Will one of you guys help me out?"
The other soldiers are stunned. " Fuck No!" "Absolutely fucking not!" "Go jack off or do whatever but we don't want any part of it!"
"Fine, I'll find some one who will." He climbs out of the trench, bullets raining past him as he runs forward into another trench. Time passes and the soldiers think for sure he must have got hit and was dead, but just then, they see him stick his head out of the trench smoking a cigarette. He jumps out and casually strolls back to them, bullets still flying by. He jumps back down in the hole with the soldiers.
"What the fuck happened to you!?" the soldiers ask.
"Fellas, you wouldn't believe it. There was a nurse up there in that trench! We had sex in every position you can think of! It was glorious!"
"Well did you get your blow job then?"
"No, I couldn't find her head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jwjtm/one_last_blow/
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Why are they called Seagulls?

Because if they flew over a bay they’d be Bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jwgi6/why_are_they_called_seagulls/
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I told my son that we were going out into the ocean for a swim.

He said, "What if I don't want to swim?"
"That's fine," I said. "You can drown instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jwf7b/i_told_my_son_that_we_were_going_out_into_the/
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For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jwbbh/for_christmas_i_bought_my_wife_new_beads_for_her/
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What is a Mexican's favourite sport?

Cross country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jwacv/what_is_a_mexicans_favourite_sport/
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An asshole, a money hoarder, and a bag of shit walk into a bar

the bartender says "what would you like today Mr. Pai?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jw9i3/an_asshole_a_money_hoarder_and_a_bag_of_shit_walk/
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Would would win in a death match between Donald Trump, Ajit Pai, and Mitch McConnell?

America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jw5ak/would_would_win_in_a_death_match_between_donald/
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I saw a sign at the hospital. It said, "Therapy Can Help Torture Victims".

I thought, "It's probably not a good idea then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jw0e1/i_saw_a_sign_at_the_hospital_it_said_therapy_can/
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My new girlfriend works at the Zoo.

I think she is a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jvvmp/my_new_girlfriend_works_at_the_zoo/
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(from my 8 year old) What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?

His butt quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jvubr/from_my_8_year_old_what_do_you_see_when_a_duck/
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I was reminiscing about the time I dated this well-endowed girl...

Man, talk about great mammaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jvtk9/i_was_reminiscing_about_the_time_i_dated_this/
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What do you call a team of pets that works together to throttle the internet?

Comcats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jvsza/what_do_you_call_a_team_of_pets_that_works/
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What's the difference between Ajit Pai and Hitler?

Hitler loved his country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jvlit/whats_the_difference_between_ajit_pai_and_hitler/
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My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure

No, wait, she just went to the toilet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jvglv/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_im_insecure/
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What do you call a bee that comes from America?

USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jven9/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_comes_from_america/
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Ruger has a new gun coming out.

The Congressman. It doesn't work & you can't fire it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jv9yh/ruger_has_a_new_gun_coming_out/
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A king outlawed hunting in his kingdom

Pretty soon, deer and elk populations were out of control, eating the commoners' crops and becoming a general nuisance. The people revolted and overthrew the king, thus making it the first time in history a reign had been called on account of game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jv9ga/a_king_outlawed_hunting_in_his_kingdom/
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Two nuns are painting in a convent, and decide to paint completely nude so they do not ruin their new robes. While they are painting, there is a knock at the door. One of the nuns asks, "Who is it?" A voice responds, "Blind man." The nuns look at each other, shrugging as they call him in.

"Nice tits, sister," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jv93e/two_nuns_are_painting_in_a_convent_and_decide_to/
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What is the difference between Ajit Pai and Hitler?

Hitler was doing what he thought was best for his country.
Edit 2:  Wow so many people still don't get that it's a *joke*...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jv6jg/what_is_the_difference_between_ajit_pai_and_hitler/
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The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jv5o1/the_new_father/
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Lighting strikes an orchestra who gets hit first?

The conducter
.... I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jv49z/lighting_strikes_an_orchestra_who_gets_hit_first/
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A lost rhinoceros wanders into a house and cannot find his way back out.

He panics and runs through a wall, destroying the kitchen. He's still inside the house so he breaks through another wall, finding himself in the bathroom. He's frustrated that he still hasn't gotten out of the house and he tears through a third wall. Still, he has not found his way out of the house. The rhinoceros then starts running towards another wall but then stops, faces you, and says "you thought I'd break the fourth wall, didn't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jv2pd/a_lost_rhinoceros_wanders_into_a_house_and_cannot/
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Republican healthcare:

Pay an extra $5.99/month to use Google to search for the symptoms you have that you can't afford to have treated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jv1zr/republican_healthcare/
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Whats better than having sex whenever you want?

Not having any kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jv1qg/whats_better_than_having_sex_whenever_you_want/
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I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is ‘conjoined twins’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7juzyy/i_pissed_off_two_men_today_because_i_referred_to/
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Hitler, Pol pot and George W Bush were...

together in hell sitting around a campfire. They are telling each other stories from the time they were alive and having a great time laughing over the evil things they have done.
As the night goes on, they get into a discussion about who might be the vilest, most evil and most universally despised human being in modern history. The discussion starts heating up and finally Hitler stands up and says, "I murdered 6 million Jews! I started a world War that claimed millions of lives! I am so universally hated, my name AND my moustache is now taboo! Therefore I must be the vilest and most evil person in the world!"
Hearing that, Pol Pot speaks up and says, "I executed the genocide of an entire country! I gathered up all the intellectuals in my country and murdered them. My country was scarred for decades as they struggled to recover from my reign. Therefore, I must be the vilest and most evil person in the world!"
Then George W Bush pipes up, "You guys are full of shit. I started a modern war completely out of the thin air for oil! Terrorists from Afghanistan attacked us and I in turn attacked a completely different country! Countless American lives and Iraqi civilians were butchered in the name of a nonsense war for the greed of a few. Therefore, I must be the vilest, most evil and most universally hated person in the world! "
They argued for hours over who of them might be the vilest, most evil and most hated person in the world. Finally exasperated, Pol pot says, "look, to settle this once and for all, I will go to Satan and ask him who is the vilest, most evil and most universally hated person in the world. He is the devil after all, he should know". After 10 mins, Pol Pot returns with the most confused look in his face and asks the rest,
"Who the fuck is this Ajit Pai...? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7juzck/hitler_pol_pot_and_george_w_bush_were/
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3 dogs

(All spoken in Dog language!)
Three dogs were locked up at the vet, the first asks one of the other dogs,
"why are you here ?"
He replies, "I really love sleeping on the couch they have been telling me for years but it's so comfortable, I just can't help it, so they are putting me down"
What are you here for he asks the first dog ?
"Oh I love trying to bite the postman and anyone who comes to my place, and finally I got him and gave him a good bite, but yeah they are putting me down."
They turn to the third Dog, what are you here for ?
"Well my owner had just gotten out of the shower and she was bending over drying her self and she has a nice ass, plus she was on heat, so I jumped up and fucked her..."
Holy shit said the first Dog !!!
So you're getting put down for fucking your owner ??!!
He replies "nah she's just getting my nails clipped"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7juyiv/3_dogs/
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If you ever bought or sold a human being...

You might be an old person. Or you are an internet service provider conglomerate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7juwk6/if_you_ever_bought_or_sold_a_human_being/
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What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke?

Yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7juwin/what_kind_of_cigarettes_do_hippies_smoke/
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Why does the head of EA like micro transactions so much?

It describes two distinct parts of his sex life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7juv5p/why_does_the_head_of_ea_like_micro_transactions/
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Say what you will about Ajit Pai, but he helped me with one thing...

Understanding the phrase "lying through your teeth".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jumkv/say_what_you_will_about_ajit_pai_but_he_helped_me/
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There are three kinds of people in the world

Those who shower before bed
Those who shower in the morning
And regular convention atendees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jui4x/there_are_three_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
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Here's an interesting turn of phrase.

ǝsɐɹɥd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jucod/heres_an_interesting_turn_of_phrase/
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Just remember, voting is like driving!

D to go forward, R to go in reverse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ju94c/just_remember_voting_is_like_driving/
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Want to hear a joke about Net Neutrality?

*I'm sorry, it appears that you've run out of Reddit for this month. Please contact your service provider to buy the Social Media Browsing Pack for the low price of $149.99.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ju7d4/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_net_neutrality/
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How Many Aerospace Engineers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

Although the exact number is a closely held state secret requiring level 5 security clearance, I can assure you, that for $50,000, it *can* be done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ju60n/how_many_aerospace_engineers_does_it_take_to/
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"Doctor doctor I think I'm going deaf."

"What are the symptoms?"
"A yellow cartoon family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jty7l/doctor_doctor_i_think_im_going_deaf/
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With great power...

Comes great electricity bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jtv7v/with_great_power/
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Three men walk into a bar.

The first man looks like he hasn't had any sleep in days. His clothes are ragged and torn, and his face is clammy and unshaven. He sits down on the stool and slumps over in a groggy state.
The second man is in a similar state, but is wearing a suit. His tie is strewn over his shoulders, and his vest is sticking out from under the suit. He lowers himself onto the next stool and sighs.
The third man is wearing a casual sweater vest. Unlike the other two, he is clean and well-composed. His manner is cheerful, and he seems ready to burst with excitement. He practically jumps onto the stool and sits with his hands clenched, eagerly awaiting some unknown thing.
The third man looks over to the first man and asks, "Why so glum?"
"Well," he sighs, "I work at a news station in the next town over, and they just told me tomorrow's my last day."
"That's terrible!" the third man exclaims. "Why would they fire you?"
"I... made some decisions in the past... I'm not proud of them," he continues. "I was young and drunk and GODDAMNIT, I should've just waited for consent. She told the station just a few days ago... I'd completely forgotten about her up until now."
The second man looks up from undoing his tie and laughs. "HA! You think you've got it bad?! I'm running for office in the next state over, and word just got out of my advances on several underage women. I thought I'd buried those so deep that nobody could ever find them... Turns out I was wrong. I've already lost half of my supporters, and I've dropped so low in the race that I can't possibly recover."
The third man smiles and raises his hand in the air. "Bartender, drinks for these two gentlemen on the house!" He grins at them and reclines in his stool. "Looks like we have something in common, fellas."
"Really?" the first man replies, incredulous. "Why the hell are you so happy, then?"
"Well, I work at Verizon, and I've just been given consent to fuck every customer we have!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jtu9m/three_men_walk_into_a_bar/
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Knock knock, ....... who's there?

Not America because freedom rings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jtmzb/knock_knock_whos_there/
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As an artist, it doesn't matter if Im naughty or nice for Christmas.

Either way, Im getting charcoal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jtkys/as_an_artist_it_doesnt_matter_if_im_naughty_or/
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I've never really disliked pastries

But I hate Pai now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jtjgl/ive_never_really_disliked_pastries/
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How do you weigh a hipster?

In Instagrams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jtj0l/how_do_you_weigh_a_hipster/
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Net Neutrality won't ruin everyone's life unlike previously stated

I have it on good authority that the Amish don't give a fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jtiq9/net_neutrality_wont_ruin_everyones_life_unlike/
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Ajit Pai.

That's it. That's the whole fucking joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jtg65/ajit_pai/
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My buddy if I'd be interested in going to Bangladesh....

...."Sure!" I said. "Who's Ladesh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jtb33/my_buddy_if_id_be_interested_in_going_to/
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Why did the stormtroppers buy iPhone?

Cuz they couldn't find the droids they were looking for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jtaku/why_did_the_stormtroppers_buy_iphone/
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A friend of mine asked if the new Star Wars-movie is in 3D. I said yes...

... but there R2D2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jta83/a_friend_of_mine_asked_if_the_new_star_warsmovie/
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How do you know Ajit Pai is lying?

If his mouth is open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jt7p8/how_do_you_know_ajit_pai_is_lying/
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My boss asked why I have been late 4 times this week

I replied "because it's only Thursday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jt60n/my_boss_asked_why_i_have_been_late_4_times_this/
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Two men are drinking in the bar...

Two men were drinking in the bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says: “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”
The bartender overhears this, and just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar.
The second man says: “What…… are you a nut?There is no way in hell that could happen!”
The first man says: “No, it’s true, let me prove it to you.”
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, where he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second man tells him: “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke.”
The first man says: “No, it isn’t. I’ll prove it again!”
And again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
The second man says: “Well, what the hell, it works, I’ll try it.”
He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, and passes the 11th……. 10th……. 9th……. and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’
Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker and says: “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jt2an/two_men_are_drinking_in_the_bar/
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I still remember what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jt0pu/i_still_remember_what_my_grandpa_said_right/
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A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened.
Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear."
The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole."
Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jsxpc/a_boy_paid_a_girl_10_to_climb_a_flagpole/
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When Jesus died, that was God's sacrifice for the world..

But when I kill my son it's just murder?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jsugl/when_jesus_died_that_was_gods_sacrifice_for_the/
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Why does the FCC Chairman have the last name "Pai"?

Because he is irrational...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jsslk/why_does_the_fcc_chairman_have_the_last_name_pai/
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Where do physicists attend church?

At the center of mass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jskp4/where_do_physicists_attend_church/
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I was looking for porn....

I was looking for porn but nothing was doing it for me. So I decided to put on the FCC live stream nothing gets me off like seeing a whole country get fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jsfs7/i_was_looking_for_porn/
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A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once the leopard is in earshot, the dachshund sighs contentedly and says to himself, "My, that was one tasty leopard." And not being of the brightest variety, the leopard immediately high-tails it out of the area.
A monkey had been watching all this go down, and, being the cheeky rascal of the jungle, decides to spill the beans to the leopard. Swinging through the trees, he eventually catches up to the leopard, and tells him that there's no way that little dog could have eaten an entire leopard. The leopard sees he's made a fool of himself, vows revenge, and tells the monkey to hop on his back to come watch.
A few minutes later, the dachshund sees them approaching. As they get closer, he taps his foot in apparent irritation and mutters to himself,
"Where's that daggum monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to fetch me another leopard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jsb6y/a_leopard_is_walking_through_the_jungle_when_he/
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Jose and Carlos

are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
One day, Carlos asked Jose: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”
“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.
Carlos’ sign reads: “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”
Jose says: “no wonder you only get $2-3.”
‘Carlos says: “So what does your sign say then?”
Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7js7ui/jose_and_carlos/
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What’s the opposite of a cactus?

A BMW, it has its pricks on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7js530/whats_the_opposite_of_a_cactus/
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and a flying pig?

The letter F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7js3j7/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_a/
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If Net Neutrality is repealed...

Will the Internet be acidic or basic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7js38z/if_net_neutrality_is_repealed/
%
How do You﻿ Drown a Hipster?

Throw him into the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7js1my/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
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The Moth Joke

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”
-Norm MacDonald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7js06t/the_moth_joke/
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My love life is like Santa Claus.

It exists thanks to gullible six year olds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jrqsc/my_love_life_is_like_santa_claus/
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The puzzle that I got as a present said 3-5 years

I finished it in 20 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jrnxm/the_puzzle_that_i_got_as_a_present_said_35_years/
%
The verdict on Net Neutrality

[Please pay $49.98 for the ‘News’ Package Bundle to see the verdict]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jrm3i/the_verdict_on_net_neutrality/
%
My barber is an idiot.

He always puts my cape on the wrong way around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jrlyh/my_barber_is_an_idiot/
%
Sperm Bank.

Just found out, Sperm Banks Pay for Samples, to think that I have let all of that Money slip through my Fingers..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jrln0/sperm_bank/
%
A local barber was just arrested for selling drugs. As a long time customer, I was very surprised

I had no idea he was a barber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jrfo2/a_local_barber_was_just_arrested_for_selling/
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A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.

He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"
"ten dollars an ounce."
"How much for a Frenchmen's brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is a Frenchmen's brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many French men we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jre0d/a_man_went_to_a_brain_store_to_get_a_brain_to/
%
Why is Santa's sack so big?

He only cums once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jrdqi/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
A blonde, brunette, and red head are waiting in front of the pearly gates when God comes out to greet them

"Usually I wouldn't let any of you girls in, but I'm having a good day. I'll give you all a deal. If you can climb my 1000 stair staircase and listen to a joke at each step without laughing I'll let you in." They all agree.
The brunette loses at the 100th step. The red head loses at the 500th step. The blonde makes it to the 999th step and begins to laugh hysterically . God asks her "You were so close, why did you laugh?"
She replies "I just got the first one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jrcgp/a_blonde_brunette_and_red_head_are_waiting_in/
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Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth my time to masturbate

I mean, nuttin's going to come of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jra6e/sometimes_i_wonder_if_its_even_worth_my_time_to/
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What is millennials' idea of dirty talk?

"Fuck me like you owe me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jr9gg/what_is_millennials_idea_of_dirty_talk/
%
Where do dogs get new tails?

The retail store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jr9cd/where_do_dogs_get_new_tails/
%
A man was at a boxing convention ...

He walked around for a while and managed to see some screenings of his favourite boxing matches of history.  He also managed to win a new pair of gloves in a raffle.  However, he still couldn't find what he was looking for, the one thing he had been waiting for all this time.  After hours of searching he stumbled across a queue of people.  He asked one of the people in the queue, "Hey, what's this queue for?"  The man in the queue replied, "this is the queue to take a shot at Floyd Mayweather."  The man was ecstatic.  He had finally found it.  He explained to the man in the queue, "I'm so happy I found this.  I've been searching ages for this punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jr7md/a_man_was_at_a_boxing_convention/
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What happened when there was a global helium shortage?

Prices ballooned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jr6d9/what_happened_when_there_was_a_global_helium/
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Super computer knows everything!

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."
"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jr5s5/super_computer_knows_everything/
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Only one

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jr4dx/only_one/
%
Why do Jewish men get curcumsised

Because Jewish women won't have anything unless it's at least 25% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jr2od/why_do_jewish_men_get_curcumsised/
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My son didn't cope well with going to jail...

He refused to eat or drink anything.
He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jqzn8/my_son_didnt_cope_well_with_going_to_jail/
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You should never fart in an elevator

It's wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jqvw5/you_should_never_fart_in_an_elevator/
%
I opened the fire exit door for my boss.

Sadly, there wasn't a fire on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jquvf/i_opened_the_fire_exit_door_for_my_boss/
%
What do you call a frozen dog...

... a pupsicle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jqsr2/what_do_you_call_a_frozen_dog/
%
Dark humour is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jqq61/dark_humour_is_like_food/
%
Teacher : "Why are you late?"

Student: "Someone told me to go to hell."
Teacher: "Why did that make you late to class?"
Student: "I couldn't find it at first, but now here I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jqnxn/teacher_why_are_you_late/
%
"We need to talk..."

Thought the caveman...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jqmci/we_need_to_talk/
%
My friend asked me if I thought a girl's shirt looked like a Rorschach test...

I replied, "Where is she? Is she behind the girl wearing a shirt of my parents fighting?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jql1k/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_thought_a_girls_shirt/
%
Eating a clock is so...

time-consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jqkvj/eating_a_clock_is_so/
%
I like to think of my willpower as being like a bunch of people.

When it's time to go to bed, my people tell me to go to bed and I stay up late. When it's time to get up, my people tell me to get up and I stay in bed.
If I get any better at going against the will of my people, I could qualify for FCC chairman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jqkik/i_like_to_think_of_my_willpower_as_being_like_a/
%
Little Johnny was late for class

As he walked into the classroom the teacher said "why are you late again Johnny".
Well, on the way to class my dad said "can you put the cart on the horse".
"The cart was at the top of the hill and the horse was at the bottom so I tried to move the cart down the hill but lost control and one of the arms of the cart went straight up the horses arse".
The teacher was shocked at Jonny's language and quickly correctted him.
"Rectum Johnny... rectum".
"Wrecked him? It dam near fuckin killed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jqcut/little_johnny_was_late_for_class/
%
What is the square root of Pai?

"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jqbz1/what_is_the_square_root_of_pai/
%
I banged this hot French student last week.

We were going at it doggie style and she told me she really loves the feeling when someone pulls on her hair. So I took a handful and pulled. She moaned and writhed around like her best orgasm ever!
Apparently I overdid it though, when I asked her if she wanted another session she said her armpits were still too sore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jq7lw/i_banged_this_hot_french_student_last_week/
%
A guy goes into a bank. The clerk says,'Can I help you, sir'

A guy goes into a bank.
The clerk says,'Can I help you, sir'
He goes, ' Yea u fucking bitch I wanna open a fucking account' Clerk,
'Please there's no need for cussin'
'Yo motherfucka I just wanna open a fuckin account.'
'Sir I'll help u but watch ur language'
So the manager comes over,' Is there a problem here?'
Dude says,' Yea mothafucka I'm trying to fuckin open a motherfuckin account an' this motherfuckin' bitch won't let me.' 'Please sir don't curse and how much are you opening the account with?'
Dude,' 7 million $$'
Manager,' And this motherfuckin bitch ain't helpin' ya?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jq2w4/a_guy_goes_into_a_bank_the_clerk_sayscan_i_help/
%
I have a dog named Locksmith

Every time I kick him he makes a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jpokn/i_have_a_dog_named_locksmith/
%
An Amish man and his son...

An Amish man and his son go to the mall for the first time- they are amazed! All the stores, all the people! But what takes the cake is a strange double sliding metal door with numbers over it. They watch entranced as an enormous senior woman in a wheelchair rolls inside the doors, and they shut almost silently. The numbers blink up, pause, and then back down, and the doors reopen. A gorgeous, much younger women in a miniskirt emerges and walks away. The father turns, astonished, to his son and hoarsely says, "Go get your mother..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jpdq2/an_amish_man_and_his_son/
%
What do mermaids wash their fins with?

Tide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jp7db/what_do_mermaids_wash_their_fins_with/
%
What did the cannibal drink for breakfast?

handshakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jp704/what_did_the_cannibal_drink_for_breakfast/
%
A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.

The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."
So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jp624/a_mother_and_her_son_are_sitting_in_an_airplane/
%
My ceiling isn’t my favourite thing in the world...

But you know, it’s up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jp5nb/my_ceiling_isnt_my_favourite_thing_in_the_world/
%
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered.
The chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jp586/i_went_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_as_a_chicken/
%
An old lady at the ATM

The old lady in front of me at the ATM was taking a while. When done, she turned around and asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7joy9k/an_old_lady_at_the_atm/
%
I hear they're building apartment buildings for detectives only

They're calling them Sherlock Homes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7joxe4/i_hear_theyre_building_apartment_buildings_for/
%
The main reason everybody hates flat Earthers

...is because they're so edgy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jow8e/the_main_reason_everybody_hates_flat_earthers/
%
A bus full of nuns crashes

, and there are no survivors. Fortunately for them, they are brought to the Gates of Heaven in a single file line. God is standing at the gates, and in front of him is a bowl of holy water.
He asks the first nun: "Have you ever touched a penis?"
She answers: "No Lord, I have not"
"Then you may pass the gates and enter the Kingdom of Heaven"
God asks this question to the second nun, and she replies: "Well, once with my hand"
God tells her: "Dip your hand in the holy water, and then you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven"
He repeats this process with the nuns, one by one, until he notices one nun running through the line and pushing in front of others. He asks her: "Sister Beth, why are you skipping the line?"
"Well, if I'm going to have to gargle this shit, I'm gonna do it before Sister Mary has to stick her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jouw7/a_bus_full_of_nuns_crashes/
%
Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations.

They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jopmu/kids_today_are_way_too_expensive_now_days_they/
%
Why is Roy Moore so mad about the election anyways?

He normally likes coming in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7joowh/why_is_roy_moore_so_mad_about_the_election_anyways/
%
What gets bigger the more you take from it?

The lower class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jooj8/what_gets_bigger_the_more_you_take_from_it/
%
What was that Spiderman quote again?

With great reflexes, comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jomal/what_was_that_spiderman_quote_again/
%
What do you call a French guy with a loaf of bread stuck up his butt?

A pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jokg4/what_do_you_call_a_french_guy_with_a_loaf_of/
%
Little Johny asks his dad the difference between theory and reality.

Dad says: Go ask your mother if she would sleep with anyone for a million dollars. Johny runs off and asks his mom and comes back.  “She said yes!”  Dad says: Now go ask your sister.  Johny comes back and says “She said yes!”
Dad tells Johny:  In theory we have 2 million dollars. In reality we live with two whores.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7joh7u/little_johny_asks_his_dad_the_difference_between/
%
How many inches can you fit in a sock?

One foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jociv/how_many_inches_can_you_fit_in_a_sock/
%
A farmer selling his peaches

A farmer knocks on the door and an attractive woman answers the door in skimpy lingerie.
"Hello Ma'am, would you like to buy some peaches?"
As she leans on the door frame she asks; "are they as soft as these?" while she touches her breasts. "Or are they as round as this?" as she touches her butt. "Could they be as fuzzy as this" as she touches her privates.
The farmer begins crying and the woman looks at him confused "Why on earth are you crying?"
"The drought got my corn, the locust got my wheat, and it looks like i'm about to get fucked out of my peaches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jocfm/a_farmer_selling_his_peaches/
%
A manometer walks into a barometer...

And the barometer says, "Sorry, we're closed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jobb5/a_manometer_walks_into_a_barometer/
%
Chuck Norris can read “DO NOT TOUCH”

In Braille

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7joa5x/chuck_norris_can_read_do_not_touch/
%
My psychiatrist told me I have kleptomania.

He said if I give him back his pen, he'll write me a prescription.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jo7fr/my_psychiatrist_told_me_i_have_kleptomania/
%
I was struggling to pee the other day

And I started trying to encourage my dick "come on man, you can do it!"
My wife yells at me through the bathroom door at me "Who are you talking to?"
I replied " Don't worry, it's nobody you'd remember"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jo5lw/i_was_struggling_to_pee_the_other_day/
%
After the operation, there was good news and bad news...

"Give me the bad news first, doc."
"The surgery was a complete success, and you are expected to make a full recovery."
"Wait, then what's the good news?"
"It's April Fool's Day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jo46n/after_the_operation_there_was_good_news_and_bad/
%
What's it called when a spy gets a sex change and then goes out on a job?

A transmission
(Be kind I made this up in like 2 minutes at work)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jo3fp/whats_it_called_when_a_spy_gets_a_sex_change_and/
%
A Pirate Walks Into a Bar

The bartender immediately sees the man has an eyepatch and peg leg, but notices something strange.
The man has a steering wheel right on his crotch.
Bewildered, the bartender asks, "I understand the eyepatch and peg leg, but what's with the steering wheel on your crotch?"
The pirate looks down at the steering wheel, looks back up, and angrily shouts:
Arrrrr, It's been driving me nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jo2ic/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Star Wars was originally supposed to be an R-rated movie on account of one characters dialogue,

But luckily they bleeped all R2-D2's lines out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jo0it/star_wars_was_originally_supposed_to_be_an_rrated/
%
What do you call girls that don’t give head?

You don’t (call them)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jnzap/what_do_you_call_girls_that_dont_give_head/
%
There are two things I tell high school dropouts...

1. You tried your hardest.
2. I don't want pickles on my Big Mac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jnsb0/there_are_two_things_i_tell_high_school_dropouts/
%
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jnron/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
I'd like to have sex with Sarah Huckabee Sanders . . .

no matter how bad it was she would tell everyone it was great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jnpfy/id_like_to_have_sex_with_sarah_huckabee_sanders/
%
Of course us gays dress well,

We didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jnkvq/of_course_us_gays_dress_well/
%
Have you ever wanted to travel back in time...

Just so you can hand out a few well deserved condoms?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jniuz/have_you_ever_wanted_to_travel_back_in_time/
%
God is trying to find someone to give his commandments to.

He goes to the French and says "I have these commandments"
The French ask, "What do they say?"
God replies, "Well there's one here, 'Do not commit adultery'."
The French say, "We are not interested, go away."
So God goes to the Germans and says "I have these commandments"
The Germans ask, "What do they say?"
God replies, "Well there's one here, 'Do not kill'."
The Germans say, "I don't think so."
So God goes to the Jews and says "I have these commandments"
The Jews ask, "How much are they?"
God replies, "They're free!"
The Jews reply, "We'll take ten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jnh0v/god_is_trying_to_find_someone_to_give_his/
%
How do you get an elephant into a subway?

Take the “S” out of “sub” and the “F” out of “way”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jna1f/how_do_you_get_an_elephant_into_a_subway/
%
One bird can’t make a pun

But Toucan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jn7m1/one_bird_cant_make_a_pun/
%
How can you tell of your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jn3cr/how_can_you_tell_of_your_wife_is_dead/
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“I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC, and we’re doing a story on people who solicit teenagers for sex. If you have anything you’d like to add to this conversation, go ahead. Otherwise you’re free to go.”

“Yeah, actually, if you could vote for me in the Alabama senate race that would be awesome.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jn32p/im_chris_hansen_with_dateline_nbc_and_were_doing/
%
Morgue Murderer Caught

The infamous Morgue Murderer was finally apprehended for his crimes of breaking into morgues and brutally slitting the throats of unsuspecting employees.
It turns out that it really never pays to cut coroners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jn1a3/morgue_murderer_caught/
%
Little Timmy drowned the other day.

He was buried in a lifejacket. It's what he would have wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jmy5a/little_timmy_drowned_the_other_day/
%
A fiery demon, clad in sleigh bells, entered the chamber.

Gandalf immediately froze in fear. It was what he had feared since entering Moria.
With each horrific step, the bells jangled damnation.
“That’s the jingle bell,” muttered Gandalf.
Step.
“That’s the jingle bell.”
Step.
“That’s the jingle Balrog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jmsqd/a_fiery_demon_clad_in_sleigh_bells_entered_the/
%
I wasn’t sure about getting involved in human trafficking at first...

But now i’m sold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jmsev/i_wasnt_sure_about_getting_involved_in_human/
%
The rabbi is leaving

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Silverstein, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jmk80/the_rabbi_is_leaving/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman died driving home from a holiday party....

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates...
''In honor of this holy season'' Saint Peter said, ''You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.''
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ''It's a candle'', he said.
''You may pass through the pearly gates'' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ''They're bells.''
Saint Peter said ''You may pass through the pearly gates''.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jmjo7/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_died/
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I suffer from OCD.

Or CDO if you put it in alphabetical order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jmflp/i_suffer_from_ocd/
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Did you hear about the German summer camp where they gave all the kids adderall?

It turned into a concentration camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jmfeq/did_you_hear_about_the_german_summer_camp_where/
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TIL there's a city named after a waffle dropped on the beach

San Diego

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jmbx9/til_theres_a_city_named_after_a_waffle_dropped_on/
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Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jm9t7/roy_moore_refuses_to_concede_the_alabama_senate/
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You'd better help defend net neutrality,

or you'll pay for it later!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jm8nq/youd_better_help_defend_net_neutrality/
%
what is superman's favorite payment method?

kryptocurrency

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jm4o8/what_is_supermans_favorite_payment_method/
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A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news?

The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jm0mo/a_man_says_to_the_doctor_whats_the_good_news/
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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach

unless he’s a vegetarian.
Then you can get there through his vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jluzf/the_way_to_a_mans_heart_is_through_his_stomach/
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Top 15 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 15 Worst Jokes Ever!
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jls3f/top_15_worst_jokes_ever/
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What do you call a Kia with push button start?

Nokia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jlqgc/what_do_you_call_a_kia_with_push_button_start/
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A Briton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a North Korean . . .

A Briton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a North Korean are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve . . .
"Look at their calm and reserve," says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense," replies the Frenchman, "they are beautiful: surely they must be French!"
"They have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat and are being told this is paradise," says the Russian. "They are Russian."
The group looks expectantly to the North Korean.
"What?" says the North Korean. "They have an apple."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jlo64/a_briton_a_frenchman_a_russian_and_a_north_korean/
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What do you call someone with no bitcoin?

a bit poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jlnrw/what_do_you_call_someone_with_no_bitcoin/
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People are enjoying a drive in movie...

When all of a sudden a loud voice comes in over the intercom.
“To the man who’s taken my wife, I know you are here, I’ll be coming round with my baseball bat until I find you.”
27 Cars left right then and there.
Sorry if repost, purely coincidental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jlmme/people_are_enjoying_a_drive_in_movie/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jllzh/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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It’s all shits and giggles...

Until someone reposts that joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jlhy4/its_all_shits_and_giggles/
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Why should you always bring money to LBGT pride parades?

Trans-action fees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jlhqf/why_should_you_always_bring_money_to_lbgt_pride/
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A guy is sitting quietly reading his Sunday newspaper one day when his wife suddenly hits him over the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he shouts.
His wife says, "I was just doing the laundry and I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name "Marylou on it. Who the hell is she?"
The guy says, "Oh, don't worry about that dear. Do you remember when I went to the horse racing with my friends the other week. Marylou was the name of the horse I was backing."
Satisfied, his wife returns to the laundry but a few minutes later she comes running back into the room and hits her husband over the head with the frying pan again.
"What was that for?" he shouts.
His wife says, "Your horse just called."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jldzs/a_guy_is_sitting_quietly_reading_his_sunday/
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2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people

1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jl9xa/2_reasons_i_dont_give_money_to_homeless_people/
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It is better to have friends than money.

You can't eat money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jl8ld/it_is_better_to_have_friends_than_money/
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Where does a pirate captain keep his buccaneers?

On the sides of his buckin' head!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jl8h6/where_does_a_pirate_captain_keep_his_buccaneers/
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what do you call it when batman leaves church

christian bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jl7ij/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_leaves_church/
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What's the difference between Roy Moore and an Anti-Vaxxer?

The Anti-vaxxer is against sticking it in kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jl547/whats_the_difference_between_roy_moore_and_an/
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a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."
The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"
"I'm his mom..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jl48d/a_guy_picking_up_his_kids_at_school_sees_another/
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Yo mama so old

She remembers when all of the content of /r/jokes was original.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jl1jc/yo_mama_so_old/
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I'm so broke

This New Years Eve I'm gonna party like its $19.99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jkzdd/im_so_broke/
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Have you heard about the new landmines?

They're disguised as prayer mats and prophets have gone through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jkwy6/have_you_heard_about_the_new_landmines/
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A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight...

"This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.
The gentleman was in morbid shock.
He couldn’t breathe.
He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'"
"Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jkwb1/a_guy_was_boarding_a_plane_when_he_heard_that_the/
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Be kind to your dentists

They have fillings too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jkvks/be_kind_to_your_dentists/
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What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jku3l/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_a_rectal/
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What Is The Hardest Thing for A Cocaine User To Do?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jks5v/what_is_the_hardest_thing_for_a_cocaine_user_to_do/
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A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"
A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jkr3l/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
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[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens

The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jkqmf/religiona_man_sees_a_boy_with_a_box_of_kittens/
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My life is like going to see a M. Night Shyamalan film....bizarre characters, lots of plot twists

and I want my money back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jkpid/my_life_is_like_going_to_see_a_m_night_shyamalan/
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What does Yoda do for fun?

Anything that makes the Dagobah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jkm1e/what_does_yoda_do_for_fun/
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Little Johnny is having trouble sleeping

So he rolls over in his bed and whispers to his little brother jimmy, “Hey Jimmy, want to sneak around the house?”
Little Jimmy wakes up and is very eager to be a little mischievous with his brother, so they both get up and sneak out their bedroom door.
They both know to get to the stairs they have to pass their parents bedroom, so little Johnny tells his brother to be real quiet while he checks if they’re asleep.
Little Johnny creeps up to the cracked door and stares in for a few moments before leaning back and telling Jimmy to come check this out.
Little Jimmy tip toes up and peeps through the crack in the door, and little Johnny whispers,
“Can you believe that’s the same woman who will slap the shit out of you for sucking on your thumb?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jkm0i/little_johnny_is_having_trouble_sleeping/
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Yo mama so old

She knows if the chicken came first or the egg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jkldw/yo_mama_so_old/
%
What did they call the man who gave a handjob to an electrician, a plumber, a welder, and a construction worker?

A Jack Off All Trades

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jkg7l/what_did_they_call_the_man_who_gave_a_handjob_to/
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A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink .....

so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jkety/a_math_professor_john_is_having_problems_with_his/
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People need to stop putting flyers on my car windshield,

I have no interest in seeing some band called Parking Violation at the City Courthouse venue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jk57x/people_need_to_stop_putting_flyers_on_my_car/
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What is a horse's favourite italian dish?

Spaghetti bologneighs.
Don't ask, my brain comes up with silly things ._.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jk46k/what_is_a_horses_favourite_italian_dish/
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You really ought to hear this joke about Net Neutrality now.

Or you'll pay for it later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jk06a/you_really_ought_to_hear_this_joke_about_net/
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How many fuck boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because it's always lit fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jjz8l/how_many_fuck_boys_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jjvhg/two_men_were_talking_about_their_wives/
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The real reason Roy Moore wanted to be in D.C.

He hasn't been banned from the National Mall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jjvff/the_real_reason_roy_moore_wanted_to_be_in_dc/
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Spelling bee

A Nebraska Huskers fan was in the finals of the state spelling bee.
"Okay, your word is 'farm,'" the moderator said to the Husker.
He sat there for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. "Um... Can I have a definition?"
"Sure," the moderator said. "It is a plot of agricultural land, used for the raising of crops and livestock."
"Uhhh..." The Nebraskan sat there for several more minutes, continuing to ask for alternative pronunciations, word origins, etc. The moderator was getting frustrated. Finally the huskers fan asked, "Uh, can you use it in a sentence?"
"Old MacDonald had a FARM!" the moderator shouted.
"Oh!" said the Husker.
"E-I-E-I-O!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jjqs6/spelling_bee/
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The Alabama Senate elections are in! And even though it was tight,

Roy Moore came in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jjqc2/the_alabama_senate_elections_are_in_and_even/
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A struggling zoo's main attraction, a gorilla, dies during their most popular season.

They can't afford to lose the gorilla so they secretly hire one of the employees to be a gorilla in a suit for an extra $500 a week.
He quickly becomes even more popular than the original gorilla, everyone wants to see the human-like gorilla.
After a few months his popularity begins to wane so he decides to raise the stacks. He climbs out of his enclosure and dangles from a tree in the lion exhibit but he loses his grip and falls. Scared he begins to yell for help, "Somebody help!"
With this the lion pounces on top of him and whispers, "Shut up or you'll get us both fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jjmg1/a_struggling_zoos_main_attraction_a_gorilla_dies/
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Why can’t Dinosaurs clap?

Because they’re dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jjmcu/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
My grandpa says my generation relies too much on technology.

I said "No grandpa. Yours does" and then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jjhir/my_grandpa_says_my_generation_relies_too_much_on/
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Today morgue employee got cremated by mistake while taking a nap...

I guess two people got fired that day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jjgjj/today_morgue_employee_got_cremated_by_mistake/
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When Roy Moore lost the election he went straight to the liquor store.

He heard they had a 14-year-old Brandy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jjdji/when_roy_moore_lost_the_election_he_went_straight/
%
John was in an accident and his face was badly burned.

The doctors couldn't reconstruct his face with John's own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed Johns face.
After the surgery he looked better than ever! His entire family was amazed, but none of them ever learned where the skin came from; they assumed it was his own.
One night John is overcome with emotion so he begins to cry and tells his wife "I love you so much. I'm so grateful for your sacrifice."
She shrugs and says "Honey, all of the thanks I need comes when your mother kisses you on the cheek."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jjac5/john_was_in_an_accident_and_his_face_was_badly/
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Im surprised that Roy Moore wants a recount; a large gap in numbers had never bothered him before.

Get it?
Thicc Sauce is Andre Segers
Another Edit: thanks for making "Get It" a meme <3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jj9fk/im_surprised_that_roy_moore_wants_a_recount_a/
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I have OCD which severely affects my sex life.

Every time a girl gets turned on, I turn them off again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jj82p/i_have_ocd_which_severely_affects_my_sex_life/
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A pedophile, a rapist, and a gay man walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "What'll ya have, Mr. Spacey?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jiyh9/a_pedophile_a_rapist_and_a_gay_man_walks_into_a/
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Two goldfish are in a tank. What did one say to another?

“You handle the guns, I’ll drive”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jixk1/two_goldfish_are_in_a_tank_what_did_one_say_to/
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Why did 10 die?

He was in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jivwz/why_did_10_die/
%
A once teacher said: What do programmers do?

Student A: Fix your printer.
Student B: Hack facebook accounts
Student C: Shitpost on Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jivd4/a_once_teacher_said_what_do_programmers_do/
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My friends a farmer with a huge ego problem

All I did was ask where he was and he brags that he’s out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jitya/my_friends_a_farmer_with_a_huge_ego_problem/
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A farmer is laying in the bed with his wife

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the goat and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jirql/a_farmer_is_laying_in_the_bed_with_his_wife/
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SUPER DELUXE MODEL!

A German guy was in a bad car accident and after months of recovery he still has a problem. He had his penis amputated. He goes to see the doctor in America and the doctor reassures him that he can help him.
"First of all you have to pick a new penis" says the doctor. The doctor picks up a box from his table and says "This is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee.
The man says, "Ok. What's in the other box?"
"This is our 10 inch super model. 10 inches of muscle to please any women. But for this you have to pay $10,000!!"
The man says, "Oh yeah,that's the one I want. My wife will love me forever. Well ,what's in that other box?"
The doctor picks up yet another box from his desk.
"This is our super deluxe model. It's 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you gotta pay $12,000 for it!"
The man is really on a roll and is tickled pink, "Doc, that's it, that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know. But does it have a lifetime guarantee?"
"Yes sir."
Then the patient says he has just one more question. "Does it come in white?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jiqes/super_deluxe_model/
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Me: I can’t believe it increased by 1500%.

Professor: I’m sick of hearing about BITCOIN! Nothing can increase by that much and still be a good investment.
Me: I was talking about the price of college tuition since 1980...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jipis/me_i_cant_believe_it_increased_by_1500/
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The priest's wife

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the Priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally, the Priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.
Bob, feeling guilty, confesses to the priest... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...... "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jijw8/the_priests_wife/
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Why could nobody in the Soviet Union drive a car?

They kept Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jih18/why_could_nobody_in_the_soviet_union_drive_a_car/
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How do flat-earthers travel?

on a plane...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jid8l/how_do_flatearthers_travel/
%
Apparently, there's a new sex position called, "delivery man"...

You stay in all day and no-one comes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jiccn/apparently_theres_a_new_sex_position_called/
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Boy, I just got hit in the head with a can of soda.

I was lucky it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jibuw/boy_i_just_got_hit_in_the_head_with_a_can_of_soda/
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I bought condoms at a store and the cashier said would you like a bag with that

I replied saying No she's rather pretty actually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jib2i/i_bought_condoms_at_a_store_and_the_cashier_said/
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My buddy said, "It's me and my wife's tenth wedding anniversary next weekend, so I thought we could go somewhere really nice together."

I replied, "Sounds good to me! What're you going to tell your wife though!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ji723/my_buddy_said_its_me_and_my_wifes_tenth_wedding/
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Dads are like boomerangs

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ji457/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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I wanna ask Roy Moore voters how they feel about losing such a close race.

Unfortunately, I don’t speak Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jhtwf/i_wanna_ask_roy_moore_voters_how_they_feel_about/
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I got a hand job from Albert Einstein the other day...

It was a stroke of genius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jhtoz/i_got_a_hand_job_from_albert_einstein_the_other/
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I like my women how I like my coffee.

I dump it once it's cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jhrij/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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t now! What do we want?

More time travel jokes! When do we want them? Righ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jhrb3/t_now_what_do_we_want/
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A man finds himself in a hotel lobby. The lady at the front desk is giving him big "F me" eyes.

Now, sure, he's seen prettier women in his lifetime. But she's a solid seven, and looking at him in such a sultry fashion that his knees nonetheless knock together nervously.
"You can have me, right here, right now, or you can carry on to success," she whispers, tracing her finger slowly down his shirt.
Success? It got better than his? He smiles politely and nods a bashful goodbye, entering the next room. There lies a beautiful woman. The kind any man wishes he could get. She waves her long blond hair and pouts her lips, advancing with a painstaking elegance. Her dress leaves little to the imagination, and, like the woman before her, she says, "You can have me, right here, right now, or you can carry on to success..."
By now he's just curious. Could it really get better than this? Into the next room he goes, and this time, the woman is prettier than anything he's ever come across in his lifetime. She's completely naked, and a king size bed awaits them. "You can have me, right here, right now," she says throatily, "or you can carry on to success."
He can't help himself. He *has* to see what's next. He enters the next room, and the door slams shut behind him. It's dark and seedy, and in front of him stands a morbidly obese man, wearing nothing but socks. He tries to turn back, but the door is locked.
"Hi there," the man says. "I'm Cess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jhp4b/a_man_finds_himself_in_a_hotel_lobby_the_lady_at/
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What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?

Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jhocv/what_does_a_grape_say_when_it_gets_stepped_on/
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Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog...

You understand it better but the frog dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jhn1t/explaining_a_joke_is_like_dissecting_a_frog/
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Moore doesn’t care that he lost tonight NSFW

word on the street is he prefers to come in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jhm7w/moore_doesnt_care_that_he_lost_tonight_nsfw/
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Why did Roy Moore lose the election?

There’s a minimum age for voting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jhg3z/why_did_roy_moore_lose_the_election/
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There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary

Should have checked before I bought it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jh6zx/there_is_no_word_like_impossible_in_my_dictionary/
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Why did Johnny name his penis The Truth?

Because bitches couldn't handle it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jh6xq/why_did_johnny_name_his_penis_the_truth/
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What is the difference between a snowman and snowwomen?

snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jh1fp/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and/
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Republicans: "We couldn't possibly lose Alabama!"

Roy Moore: "hold my beer kids"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgzty/republicans_we_couldnt_possibly_lose_alabama/
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What's the difference between a 13 year old and the Senate?

After tonight, Roy Moore won't be in the Senate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgy0l/whats_the_difference_between_a_13_year_old_and/
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Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I guess I should stop applying for jobs then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgx1i/insanity_is_doing_the_same_thing_over_and_over/
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Doug Jones’ margin of victory is so small

Roy Moore is going to try and molest it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgvtz/doug_jones_margin_of_victory_is_so_small/
%
A man reads an advertisement in the paper for the best raccoon hound ever and decides to go have a look.

The man reaches out to the person who placed the ad and scheduled a date and time to meet. Upon arriving at the agreed-upon location, a patch of woods in Mississippi, the owner of the raccoon hound informs the man that this is in fact the best coonhound he has ever seen or owned. However the owner explains, that his “methods “are a bit different than other coonhounds. The man is curious and thinks to himself, “How bad could this be?”  So he agrees to go with the owner on a short hunt to see what the dog can do.
They walk for a while into the woods and soon enough the dog catchers a scent, howls and takes off running into the woods. When they catch up with the dog the dog has two raccoons treed. The owner shoots the two raccoons, they fall to the ground and no sooner than they hit the ground the dog is on top of them and furiously having sex with their corpses. The man is dismayed at what he is seeing.  The owner shakes his head and says, “I told you his methods were unorthodox but he really is the best tracker I’ve ever owned.
The man, while little shaken, decides to continue with the hunt.  They walk for only a few minutes before the dog catchers another scent, howls and runs off into the woods again. When they catch up with the dog this time the dog has three raccoons pinned in the tree.  The owner once again shoots the raccoons, and again without hesitation when the raccoon corpses hit the ground the dog goes to work and begins violating the raccoon corpses. The man at this point is greatly disturbed. “He does this every time?!” The owner of the dog again shakes his head and says, “I know but think about it, we’ve only been out here for an hour and we already have five raccoons.
The man decides to give the dog one more run. They pick up their raccoons and once again the dog catchers a scent  very quickly. When the owner and the man catch up to the dog, the dog has four raccoons in the tree. The owner quickly takes aim and shoot all four raccoons, three of the raccoons fall to the ground and the dog immediately starts humping away.  The forth raccoon got stuck on a tree branch during its fall. The owner hands his gun to the man and starts to climb the tree to retrieve the raccoon. About halfway through his climb, the owner slips and begins to fall from the tree. As the owner is falling he screams down to the man, “SHOOT THE DOG!! SHOOT THE GOD DAMN DOG!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgv6t/a_man_reads_an_advertisement_in_the_paper_for_the/
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Two Alabamans die, and go to hell.

Satan walks by to check up on them, and notices them wearing winter coats and shivering. "What are you two doing?" He says. "This is *hell*, and you're *cold?!*" One of the Alabamans replies, "We've had much hotter temperatures out in Birmingham, this is practically an igloo in comparison!"
Indignant and offended, Satan walks over to the infernal thermostat and turns it up to its highest amount. The very ground now glows red with hellfire, and it would seem that no mortal could withstand it. But, as he smugly returns to the Alabamans, he hears not screams of torment, but laughter. "Is that all you got, Lucy?" The two men taunt him. Now, the Devil is very angry, and he thinks to himself, "If I can't beat 'em with heat, I'll freeze 'em instead!"
Hell has now turned from a fiery cavern to a winter wonderland, and Satan returns to see the results of his plan. But to his shock, the rosy cheeked Alabamans are now jumping and cheering for joy. "You should be icicles by now!" The Devil sputters. "What are you so happy about?!"
"Look around!" One of the men wipes a tear of joy from his eye. "*Hell has frozen over! The Democrat won in the Senate!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgu1m/two_alabamans_die_and_go_to_hell/
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A hundred year old woman from Texas was asked the secret to longevity.

On her birthday the local news came by and asked her the secret to long life. She said that every morning she takes a shot of whiskey and a spoonful of gunpowder with her breakfast. Her family agreed that every day for decades she had downed a spoonful of gunpowder. She died not long after this of natural causes. She left her house to her kids, her money to charity, and a fifty foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgtth/a_hundred_year_old_woman_from_texas_was_asked_the/
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"Definitely raining"

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgthw/definitely_raining/
%
Jim has 125 candy bars. He eats 76 of them. What does he have now?

Diabetes. Jim has diabetes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgrma/jim_has_125_candy_bars_he_eats_76_of_them_what/
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Dems haven't won a senate seat in Alabama since 1992

Unlike Roy Moore, they were capable of waiting 25 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgrlt/dems_havent_won_a_senate_seat_in_alabama_since/
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Roy Moore is not happy with the events that transpired tonight

He liked it better when the night was young

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgoby/roy_moore_is_not_happy_with_the_events_that/
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El Muro

It's a long one, but it's totally worth it.
**Best if read/told in a Mexican accent**
My friend asked me today if I had ever heard of El Muro, the greatest Bandido in all of Mexico. 'Well, do I have a story for you.' I said.
'One day I was riding on my horse alone through the desert when all of a sudden El Muro, the greatest Bandido in all of Mexico came riding towards me on his horse. All of a sudden, he jumps off of his horse and points a gun at me.
"Get off the horse and give me your money." He says.
Well he had the gun, and I had no gun, so I got off the horse.
"I am sorry Mister, but I have no money."
Thinking for a moment, he says, "Then take off your pants."
Well he had the gun, and I had no gun, so I took off my pants.
"Shiiiit." He says.
Well he had the gun, and I had no gun, so I shit.
"Eat it." He says.
Well he had the gun, and I had no gun, so I ate it.
Oh, El Muro, the greatest Bandido in all of Mexico, he laughed and he laughed so hard that he dropped the gun.
Picking up the gun, I pointed it at him. Shocked, he puts up his hands. After thinking for a moment, I smile.
"Take off your pants." I say.
Well I had the gun, and he had no gun, so he took off his pants.
"Shiiiit." I say.
Well I had the gun, and he had no gun, so he shit.
"Eat it." I say.
Well I had the gun, and he had no gun, so he ate it.
So you ask me if I have ever heard of El Muro, the greatest Bandido in all of Mexico? Well, we ate lunch together.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgnm5/el_muro/
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How many redditors' does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It doesn't matter because no one looks at my posts anyway ):

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgkqv/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What's the difference between 48.4% and 49.9% in Alabama?

48.4% vote for child molesters. The rest are good people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgj3w/whats_the_difference_between_484_and_499_in/
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to help cope with his loss Roy Moore ordered a 12 year old whiskey

she didn't like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgj2j/to_help_cope_with_his_loss_roy_moore_ordered_a_12/
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Doug Jones just won the Senate race against Roy Moore

I guess you could say he got Moore votes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgfm9/doug_jones_just_won_the_senate_race_against_roy/
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What do you call a person who breaks into your home in winter?

A burrrrrgler
From my bf. Who hates puns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jgdiz/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_breaks_into_your/
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[NSFW] Why did the skeleton wear pants?

To conceal his boner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jga51/nsfw_why_did_the_skeleton_wear_pants/
%
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day

Give a man a pufferfish and you feed him for a lifetime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jg77e/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_feed_him_for_a_day/
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What do you call a group of security guards outside the Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jg04v/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_security_guards/
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The distinction between a sibling and a half-sibling

is apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jfx0i/the_distinction_between_a_sibling_and_a/
%
I'm bad at Greek mythology.

It's my Achilles' penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jfv8m/im_bad_at_greek_mythology/
%
Roy Moore is learning guitar chords

and he's starting with A Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jfujx/roy_moore_is_learning_guitar_chords/
%
I asked my dad if he was ever shot in the army.

He replied: "No, but I've been shot in the leggy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jftwi/i_asked_my_dad_if_he_was_ever_shot_in_the_army/
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Why are the Eiffel Tower lights so bright ?

French resistance is low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jfsr9/why_are_the_eiffel_tower_lights_so_bright/
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Why are jokes about communism rarely funny?

Because they're only funny if *everybody* gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jfqwg/why_are_jokes_about_communism_rarely_funny/
%
What is the difference between Roy Moore and an Anti-vaxxer?

Anti-vaxxers don't like to stick 'em while they're young.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jfm2j/what_is_the_difference_between_roy_moore_and_an/
%
Roy Moore Election results are coming in.

He is only in the teens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jflwc/roy_moore_election_results_are_coming_in/
%
Give a man a fish...

And apparently you’re a crappy secret Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jflao/give_a_man_a_fish/
%
This new Rolex that the lesbian couple next door got me for Christmas is nice and all...

...but I don't think they understood what I meant when I said "I wanna watch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jfl4y/this_new_rolex_that_the_lesbian_couple_next_door/
%
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think its raining," said the man.
"No, its snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jfjda/a_couple_is_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
%
My ex wife and I have decided to quit arguing and bury the hatchet.

Now we just have to decide whether it should be in her chest or mine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jfhyi/my_ex_wife_and_i_have_decided_to_quit_arguing_and/
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Do you know what a woman says when she sees a large penis?

I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jexus/do_you_know_what_a_woman_says_when_she_sees_a/
%
My parents are perfectionists. They won't let me get away with anything less than an A+.

I'm currently at the hospital getting a blood transfusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jeo1y/my_parents_are_perfectionists_they_wont_let_me/
%
My patient got upset at me for laughing when I told her that pill wasn't a suppository...

I guess she took it the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jeh50/my_patient_got_upset_at_me_for_laughing_when_i/
%
I couldn't manage to get my dying friend's blood type...

all he could say was "be positive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jegyt/i_couldnt_manage_to_get_my_dying_friends_blood/
%
The government has developed a program to increase the dancing skills of the vice president...

They used an Al Gore Rhythm....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jecky/the_government_has_developed_a_program_to/
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My wife has an odd way of starting conversations

She always begins by saying, "Hey, are you even listening?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jeacz/my_wife_has_an_odd_way_of_starting_conversations/
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I don't need therapy

What I need is these squirrels to stop singing Pink Floyd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7je9vq/i_dont_need_therapy/
%
My first time

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me....
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7je9o4/my_first_time/
%
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks...

They charged one - and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7je8jt/police_arrested_two_kids_yesterday_one_was/
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What do you call a Volleyball player who hurt her knee diving for the ball?

Courtney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7je73b/what_do_you_call_a_volleyball_player_who_hurt_her/
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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None it's a hardware problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7je13w/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call a medic who jumps out of a plane?

A paramedic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jdv88/what_do_you_call_a_medic_who_jumps_out_of_a_plane/
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I just found a monopoly set without instructions.

What are the chances?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jdsql/i_just_found_a_monopoly_set_without_instructions/
%
Why did it take the cannibal lion so long to apologize?

It took him a long time to swallow his pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jdr25/why_did_it_take_the_cannibal_lion_so_long_to/
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Caitlyn Jenner is filing a Lawsuit for Sexual Harassment...

Claims that she's Constantly being Groped by Bruce Jenner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jdonb/caitlyn_jenner_is_filing_a_lawsuit_for_sexual/
%
My wife is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jdgnf/my_wife_is_always_stealing_my_tshirts_and_sweaters/
%
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...

The other 20% are missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jd66g/vladimir_putins_approval_rate_is_80/
%
A married couple goes to a marriage counselor...

"What seems to be the problem?", asks the counselor
The wife says, "My husband wont talk to me anymore."
The counselor turns to the husband and asks, "Is this true?"
The husband replies "Well i dont like to interrupt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jd1gh/a_married_couple_goes_to_a_marriage_counselor/
%
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I told him I wanted another opinion..

He said fine, you’re ugly too
-Rodney Dangerfield
-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jd0ij/my_psychiatrist_told_me_i_was_crazy_and_i_told/
%
There’s a LGBT branch of Ku Klux Klan

It’s called, Gay-K-K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jcud8/theres_a_lgbt_branch_of_ku_klux_klan/
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I began speed reading, and just last night I read “The Da Vinci Code” in fifteen minutes.

I know it’s only 4 words, but it’s a start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jctcv/i_began_speed_reading_and_just_last_night_i_read/
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The hospital asked me if I would be OK giving them a stool sample...

I told them I don’t give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jcqoi/the_hospital_asked_me_if_i_would_be_ok_giving/
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The Girl Who Could Grow Multiple Hearts

So I've been covering a story about a girl who could grow multiple hearts. She was born in late December, and the doctors ran all the normal tests but didn't detect anything. At her first year check-up, the doctors noticed a small, benign tumor in her chest cavity, so they had a quick surgery to remove it just in case it was potentially harmful. But they detected the same tumor at her next birthday check up, and so they ran some tests to find out that not only was she growing a small heart next to her original one, but she also had a mutation that gave her a special bloodtype, usually denoted by the acronym SPCL (the doctors usually pronounced this "Special") The second heart was always smaller than typical, but got bigger as she aged just like the rest of her body.
Every year she had a check up around her birthday where they removed the extra heart (since it was so small that it'd be useless), but when she turned 23 the heart was large enough to potentially be used as a transplant for a small child. There was a small girl that had been on a transplant waiting list for several months now, and desperately needed a heart transplant to survive. Her name was Cheng Yu, and she was going to die within a matter of days if she didn't get the transplant. The girl thought this was the perfect opportunity, and so, during her birthday check up, the doctors hastily removed the heart and gave it to Cheng. But, all did not go as planned. The doctors had to rush, and could not check to see if the Special blood type was compatible. Cheng's body rejected the organ and she died immediately after. The girl felt devastated and responsible for her death. The next year, her doctors told her that another wait-list patient had a compatible blood type. The girl saw this as her opportunity for redemption, and immediately went in for the surgery as usual for her birthday check-up. I managed to interview her right before she went into the surgery room, and she told me:
"Last Christmas, I gave Yu my heart, but the very next day, she gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone Special."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jcm9w/the_girl_who_could_grow_multiple_hearts/
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Trump doesn’t need to build the wall

Just move Congress to the border, they’ll never let anything through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jcgts/trump_doesnt_need_to_build_the_wall/
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How childish are Trump's tweets?

Let's just say Roy Moore would date them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jcc5m/how_childish_are_trumps_tweets/
%
I sure hope Roy Moore wins today

Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jca48/i_sure_hope_roy_moore_wins_today/
%
I don't want to jinx it, but I've never been in a car accident...

I'm a totally wreckless driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jc8s8/i_dont_want_to_jinx_it_but_ive_never_been_in_a/
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Roy Moore is in bed with a girl, and says "pretend you're 14". She found that really weird...

Her birthday was in 4 months anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jc3xr/roy_moore_is_in_bed_with_a_girl_and_says_pretend/
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Why is someone who plays the piano called a pianist...

... but a person who drives race cars not called a racist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jbzwq/why_is_someone_who_plays_the_piano_called_a/
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Time for a maths joke. What's the result of 45 into 12?

25 to life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jbvwx/time_for_a_maths_joke_whats_the_result_of_45_into/
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7 Dwarves Sitting in a Tub

The 7 dwarves were sitting in the tub feeling happy, so Happy got up and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jbvug/7_dwarves_sitting_in_a_tub/
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Today I saw two blind people fighting...

Then I shouted, "I'm rooting for the one with a knife!" They both ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jbuue/today_i_saw_two_blind_people_fighting/
%
Why do robots only have one night stands?

Because they nut and bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jbob1/why_do_robots_only_have_one_night_stands/
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Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Bruce. The dwarf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jbnze/every_day_a_male_employee_walks_up_very_close_to/
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Why is building a bridge better than building a tunnel?

One is riveting, the other is boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jblwk/why_is_building_a_bridge_better_than_building_a/
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I dig, you dig...

He digs, she digs, it digs, we dig, you dig, they dig.
It may not be a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jbkh7/i_dig_you_dig/
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Yesterday, I went to a Christmas Party

I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots...
I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit.  That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved it past.  I arrived home safely without incident.  This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jbi7b/yesterday_i_went_to_a_christmas_party/
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A NYC cab driver is en route to pick up a passenger at the stock exchange

On his way, he keeps door-checking stock traders as he goes by, laughing his ass off.
As he pulls up, he notices his customer is a priest, so he internally curses - he can't keep hitting stock brokers while he's got a man of God in the car with him.
They exchange pleasantries and leave, and immediately he sees a young guy in an incredibly expensive suit walking across the street, chatting blithely on his phone, and the driver grits his teeth, doing his best to resist the urge to door-check him.
As they start to pass the stock broker, he exhales a sigh of relief when he hears a loud "THUMP" and looks back as the priest closes his door.
"What?" asked the priest, "I was afraid you'd miss him".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jbfbi/a_nyc_cab_driver_is_en_route_to_pick_up_a/
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My friend just confessed he's gay

Just after I told him to be straight with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jbdf3/my_friend_just_confessed_hes_gay/
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My mom taught me kissing gets you pregnant

So when I fuck people, I don't use tongue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jbccc/my_mom_taught_me_kissing_gets_you_pregnant/
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What do sex and DNA replication have in common?

You gotta unzip the genes first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jbb22/what_do_sex_and_dna_replication_have_in_common/
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I invented a new drink today; basically you start with a Shirley Temple and put a really old cocktail sausage in it.

I call it the "Judge Roy Moore".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jba3w/i_invented_a_new_drink_today_basically_you_start/
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People who get road rage against people riding bicycles.

They've got serious cyclelogical issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jb91n/people_who_get_road_rage_against_people_riding/
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The weather suggests that turnout will be in Roy Moore's favor today.

It is expected to dip into the teens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jb89p/the_weather_suggests_that_turnout_will_be_in_roy/
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I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said “Bathroom closed”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jb4rg/i_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_shit_myself/
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What's the difference between a piano, tuna, and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jb2pt/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_tuna_and_glue/
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TIL Freddie Mercury was murdered.

And they're still looking for the asshole that killed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jazm6/til_freddie_mercury_was_murdered/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jaz90/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
Why does the rabbi prefer windows to Mac?

Because windows has a built-in snipping tool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jayr6/why_does_the_rabbi_prefer_windows_to_mac/
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A drunk man is arrested by a police woman

Police Woman: "You are being arrested for drink driving. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
Drunk Man : "Boobs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jay5p/a_drunk_man_is_arrested_by_a_police_woman/
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How many /r/jokes Redditor's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Doesn't matter. They'll just keep swapping them out for old ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jaw3v/how_many_rjokes_redditors_does_it_take_to_screw/
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When you become a dad...

...all the little nuances of what kind of jokes are funny or unfunny get father and father away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jartp/when_you_become_a_dad/
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I wish I was like a Christmas decoration...

Hanging from a tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7japig/i_wish_i_was_like_a_christmas_decoration/
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You know what would make gambling hotlines better?

Make every 5th call a winner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jan0t/you_know_what_would_make_gambling_hotlines_better/
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My wife bites her lip to look sexy

I just don't have the heart to tell her you're meant to bite the bottom lip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jai4s/my_wife_bites_her_lip_to_look_sexy/
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A man rushes to a doctor

Doctor, Doctor. You've got to help me. I just can't stop my hands from shaking.
Do you drink a lot?
Not really. I spill most of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jaeyn/a_man_rushes_to_a_doctor/
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I just compiled my new app, its named "Politics".

It's corrupted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jaev5/i_just_compiled_my_new_app_its_named_politics/
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Girlfriend: Love you babe, xx…

*-I love you too!*
I’d be *so* happy if u put x's in when u SMS me...
*-Ok! Rachel, Sarah, Monica.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7jabrt/girlfriend_love_you_babe_xx/
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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ja39l/my_therapist_told_me_that_a_great_way_to_let_go/
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What's the difference between a cheap beer and a clit?

The clit only tastes like piss in the beginning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ja1rq/whats_the_difference_between_a_cheap_beer_and_a/
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What's the similarity between dark humor and food?

Some people don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j9z5o/whats_the_similarity_between_dark_humor_and_food/
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Sam walks into his boss’s office...

“Sir, I’ll be straight with you. I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling, the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise and Sam happily gets up to leave.
“By the way..." asks the boss. “Which three companies are after you?”
Sam replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j9yzg/sam_walks_into_his_bosss_office/
%
Irish.

Two Irish Men walking down the Road.
Paddy says to Mick, what you got in the
bag? Mick says Sausage Rolls, Paddy says
if I can guess how many are in the bag, can
I have one, Mick says if you can guess, you
can have all 4...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j9yiz/irish/
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I was gonna tell a gay joke..

Butt fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j9vve/i_was_gonna_tell_a_gay_joke/
%
Man Runs In Front Of Car, He Gets Tired

Man Runs Behind Car, He Gets Exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j9t2t/man_runs_in_front_of_car_he_gets_tired/
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I always wondered what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet?

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j9rkh/i_always_wondered_what_my_parents_did_to_fight/
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Church line

A man was waiting in line of a church. He saw an apple tree next to him, which also displayed a sign saying, "Take one only, God is watching..." He took one and waited once again.
By the end of the line, another sign was displayed near a basket of cookies that said, "Take as many as you like, God is busy watching the apples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j9lwc/church_line/
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I gave a detailed explanation to my girlfriend why I wanted to cum on her face.

But it went over her head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j9kez/i_gave_a_detailed_explanation_to_my_girlfriend/
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A man runs a business to hurt people

The business is a simple one, you pay the man $5 and he hurts you in any way you want. If you want him to slap you he'll do it, if you want him to shoot you in the foot, he will do it. Now his business started to pick up speed and then after a month of his business being successful he starts to notice that he isn't making as much money. He starts looking at the lines over the next month each of them dwindling.
He finally knew his business had fallen when he realized, there was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j97fx/a_man_runs_a_business_to_hurt_people/
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A father was decorating the Christmas tree with his son. The boy says:

"Dad can't we use tinsel like everyone else? This is really uncomfortable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j91ah/a_father_was_decorating_the_christmas_tree_with/
%
One day, I went to a cafe.

The cafe was full with couples, no seat available for me. But, I was determined to get a seat there. What did I do?
I took my mobile and made a fake call (actually no call at all) and start talking, "Hey dude! Do you have your girlfriend with you?"
I noticed that few of the girls were staring at me!!
I continued to talk over mobile " Ohho!! That means she is dating with someone else, I think. You kow, I can see yor girlfriend with another person here in this cafe."
Can you guess, what happened?
Few of the girls left the cafe before my fake call ended!! Ha ha ha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j8zhc/one_day_i_went_to_a_cafe/
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They say in a classroom of 30, one out of the 30 is going to be gay...

I really hope it's Johnny because damn is he cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j8w2y/they_say_in_a_classroom_of_30_one_out_of_the_30/
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I was talking to a friend's little girl...

I was talking to a friend’s little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were to be the President, what is the first thing you would do?’
She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’ ‘Wow - what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘You don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my sidewalks and driveway, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.’
She thought that over for a few seconds ‘cause she’s only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”
And I said, “Welcome to the..."
And then she interupted me and said "Have you asked if he wants to?"
And I said "Shut up you little shit, that's not the point, you're ruining my narrative."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j8vv1/i_was_talking_to_a_friends_little_girl/
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How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j8v2l/how_many_members_of_a_specified_demographic_does/
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A girl enters a bar and starts complaining how terrible her life is

She comes up to the counter and orders a beer. Then she starts sobbing saying life is terrible. The bartender asks "what's wrong?". So she says "My favorite sweater was destroyed in the washing machine today. I loved that sweater".
The guy next to her goes "Hey that's not so bad. I crashed my car the other day, and I had no insurance!".
The guy next to him again goes "That is it? My wife left me, got the kids, my house, everything! I got nothing, NOTHING!".
The woman next to him again goes "Think that's bad? Well I had to prostitute myself to pay for college, then I dropped out and found out I had gotten aids. So yeah...".
The guy next to her goes "You think your life is worse? I just lost my entire family in a plane crash. They were coming home from a trip from my wife's parents. My daughter texted me that she loves me and couldn't wait to see what present I had bought for her when she got home. You see... it was her birthday." He starts crying uncontrollably "I bought her a teddy bear..." he then lifts it up to show everyone.
An old man next to him says "You think you have it worse? When I was in the war, I was gang raped as a prisoner of war. When I got home they had to kill and skin 4 pigs in order to reconstruct my rectum. When I got home I found out my wife was actually a man, and that's why we couldn't have children. After that I spent 20 years living as a homeless man, selling oral sex in order to eat. Then when I got a job I was wrongfully accused of a crime and lost the next 20 years in prison, and guess what happened then? Let's just say I won't be able to afford surgery again so-" a loud noise erupts as running brown mass runs down his chair. "SEE?".
"You think you have it worse than me?" A woman next to him asks. "My entire bloodline was slain in a genocide in my home country, as a lone survivor I traveled here to find peace. Instead I was robbed and beaten and left paralyzed by the attack." She points down at her wheelchair. "Oh and I forgot to mention that every venture or dream I've had in life has been crushed ever since. And that hope has become the prisoner which holds this tormented shell chained to life. Did I also mention that I have 8 different chronic pain issues? My every waking moment is a day in hell. I'm also infertile, blind on one eye and lost my left arm to a flesheating disease. I challenge ANYONE ELSE HERE to claim they have it worse than me!".
An eight year old girl jumps up on a bar stool and shouts "You think THAT is bad?"
The bartender then walks to the bathroom stall and proceeds to hang himself.
Sorry guys guess I failed with the puncline since it wasn't obvious :( I came up with this dark joke at work. It was supposed to be that the bartender had it worst, because listening to all of these people at his bar complaining about who had it worse - made him hang himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j8p5o/a_girl_enters_a_bar_and_starts_complaining_how/
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As I spread my girlfriends legs I thought

this is the weirdest thing i've ever had on toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j8eho/as_i_spread_my_girlfriends_legs_i_thought/
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To the guy who hacked my reddit acount

I will find you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j8dy3/to_the_guy_who_hacked_my_reddit_acount/
%
My wife says that I only have 2 major faults

I don't listen, and something else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j89ar/my_wife_says_that_i_only_have_2_major_faults/
%
This guy is getting ready for prom

And of coarse he needs all the things you're supposed to have. Ya know tuxedo, corsage, and of course the tickets to get in. So first, he goes to get his tuxedo. When he gets there, there is a pretty long line for that. Seeming this is his first stop, he's not to troubled by it. Then he finally gets his tux and goes to get his corsage. When he gets there, there is surprisingly a long line for that too. He thinks it's just not his day and waits in line until he gets it. Then his last stop, which  are the tickets for him and his date. So he gets out of his car and into where they are selling the tickets and there is another very long line. Now, he is very annoyed and snappy. He finally gets the tickets and drives off. Next night, was prom night and he went to pick up his date. He was still mad about yesterday and wasn't very polite when she greeted him. So now, there they are, dancing at prom, having the time of their lives. It's there his date asks, "hey, do you mind getting us some punch please?" He said "sure." And walked off.
There was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j85pc/this_guy_is_getting_ready_for_prom/
%
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j82gi/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
I just helicoptered here from the next city over

And boy is my dick tired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j7zbs/i_just_helicoptered_here_from_the_next_city_over/
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I recently found out that I was colorblind...

It came completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j7z3m/i_recently_found_out_that_i_was_colorblind/
%
I'll never forget what my grandpa said to me just before he died...

"are you still holding the ladder?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j7r95/ill_never_forget_what_my_grandpa_said_to_me_just/
%
Dads are like genies

See them once, they grant a few wishes, then they're gone forever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j7m89/dads_are_like_genies/
%
My English teacher said I can't end a sentence with a preposition...

I don't think she knows who she's dealing with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j7m4p/my_english_teacher_said_i_cant_end_a_sentence/
%
TIL that it's not politically correct to say someone is gay...

The preferred term is "Navy enlisted personnel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j7jy3/til_that_its_not_politically_correct_to_say/
%
What's brown and sticky?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j7iwk/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
I'm no geologist

But when I look at mountains in the morning I take them for granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j7iue/im_no_geologist/
%
What is the benefit of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j7fz7/what_is_the_benefit_of_dating_a_homeless_girl/
%
The internet pre 2008

where the women were men,
the men were boys,
and the children were FBI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j7ezg/the_internet_pre_2008/
%
Did you know North Korea's military marches to the left?

They have no rights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j7bsb/did_you_know_north_koreas_military_marches_to_the/
%
How many Redditor's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, the light bulb never gets changed.  You were all too busy fixing my grammatical mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j7ams/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
My Mom told me I shouldn't try bungee jumping...

I came into this world because of broken rubber, shouldn't test my luck and go out the same way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j73fq/my_mom_told_me_i_shouldnt_try_bungee_jumping/
%
I got my fortune told by someone using herbs. I'm not sure if any of the predictions were accurate.

Only thyme will tell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j70f9/i_got_my_fortune_told_by_someone_using_herbs_im/
%
Roy Moore says he’ll bring “Alabama values” to Washington, but I’m not so sure. I mean, he sexually assaulted teenage girls...

But he wasn’t related to any of ‘em!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j7029/roy_moore_says_hell_bring_alabama_values_to/
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Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to  the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j6y62/two_priests_are_driving_down_a_road_when_they_are/
%
I accidentally referred to my wife as my girlfriend today

Their names aren't even that similar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j6q9f/i_accidentally_referred_to_my_wife_as_my/
%
Now that I'm married, it's weird not saying "my girlfriend" anymore.

I have to get used to saying "my mistress" now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j6pih/now_that_im_married_its_weird_not_saying_my/
%
A boy walks in on his father masturbating...

The boy, curious, asks him "Dad, what are you doing"
The dad replies "This is called masturbating. You'll be doing it pretty soon too."
The kid, confused, asks "Well, how do you know that?"
The father responds "Because my arm is getting tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j6n5z/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_father_masturbating/
%
A family goes to a hotel...

The father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled..."
The guy at the desk replies "It's just normal porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j6mde/a_family_goes_to_a_hotel/
%
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

but none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j6jk4/i_know_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
God is talking with the presidents.

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."
Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good,” says God. "You shall sit to my left."
Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"
Trump replies: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j6j46/god_is_talking_with_the_presidents/
%
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j6fex/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
%
Where does virgin wool come from?

Ugly Sheep...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j65sd/where_does_virgin_wool_come_from/
%
I once heard that hypothermia

Is a pretty cool way to go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j6430/i_once_heard_that_hypothermia/
%
My dad always said...

"Don't reminisce."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j61q1/my_dad_always_said/
%
What do you call a guy with a giant dick?

Phil!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5xwr/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_giant_dick/
%
I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Well it's actually more like a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5wle/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
%
When I first met my wife she told me she was bi.

I didn't realize until much later she meant polar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5wfw/when_i_first_met_my_wife_she_told_me_she_was_bi/
%
My wife says I talk while I sleep

.....but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5w7h/my_wife_says_i_talk_while_i_sleep/
%
"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5vuj/doc_you_gotta_help_me_im_under_a_lot_of_stress_i/
%
A blonde scientist anounces that she has discovered that birds can read.

"Yes, that's right everybody, I have discovered that birds can read," the blonde says to the media.
"How could you possibly find that out?" a woman asks.
"Well, these birds kept running into my bedroom window. So I put up a big, big sign in the window saying 'DO NOT RUN INTO. THIS IS A WINDOW.' That was two months ago. A bird hasn't run into my window since that day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5s06/a_blonde_scientist_anounces_that_she_has/
%
Why do you trim your Christmas tree before you put it up?

To make sure it’s presentable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5q3r/why_do_you_trim_your_christmas_tree_before_you/
%
A man goes to the movie theater

He sees a childhood friend of his embracing a woman in the back rows. He goes up to them and asks, "Who's this?"
His friend proudly replies, "It's my lover!"
The man then said, "Not you, I'm asking my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5pz5/a_man_goes_to_the_movie_theater/
%
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the cashier "do you have extra large condoms".

the cashier says "yes, second aisle to the left. You wanna buy some?"
the woman says
"No, but would you mind if I wait here until someone else does"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5pi1/a_woman_walks_into_a_pharmacy_and_asks_the/
%
What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5olv/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_small_dick/
%
to all scummy misogynists out there: menstruation jokes are NOT funny

period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5kmt/to_all_scummy_misogynists_out_there_menstruation/
%
My wife wants to prove she's brave enough to get a vasectomy...

I told her she doesn't have the balls to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5han/my_wife_wants_to_prove_shes_brave_enough_to_get_a/
%
My first time bungee jumping.

*Licks lips nervously*
Me: This is my first time bungee jumping.
Instructor: Can you please stop licking my lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5cwf/my_first_time_bungee_jumping/
%
Mom always told me to be positive...

So in a way, this pregnancy test is actually her fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5c7j/mom_always_told_me_to_be_positive/
%
I'm so straight I don't touch myself when I jerk off

My buddy Brian does it for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j57o1/im_so_straight_i_dont_touch_myself_when_i_jerk_off/
%
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j5726/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_during_sex/
%
What separates animals from humans?

Mediterranean sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j571t/what_separates_animals_from_humans/
%
Why do people ask if you got a haircut when it’s completely obvious?

I’ve been on chemo for over a year now and you just noticed?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j53lw/why_do_people_ask_if_you_got_a_haircut_when_its/
%
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America

The rest cheat in Europe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j4vvs/eighty_percent_of_married_men_cheat_in_america/
%
What's the best thing about being black?

Not having to listen to awful dad jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j4qj5/whats_the_best_thing_about_being_black/
%
There were two men in the gym showers

One was average build and the other was very large.  The average build guy says, "Damn man, when's the last time you saw your dick?"  The large man says, "I don't know, it's been a while."  Average build guy says, "why don't you try to diet?"  The Big guy says, "why? What color is it now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j4mnd/there_were_two_men_in_the_gym_showers/
%
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j40ch/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
%
What do Mexicans send their mail in?

Envelopez.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3ywg/what_do_mexicans_send_their_mail_in/
%
I have the body of a 22-year-old model

He's in my freezer, and now I have no room for my ice cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3xx4/i_have_the_body_of_a_22yearold_model/
%
Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?

He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3w4n/why_was_roy_moore_waiting_outside_the_liquor/
%
Freudian slips

Jeff and Bob were talking about Freudian slips
Jeff: Man I was trying to order two tickets to Pittsburgh from this big breasted woman and accidentally said "Two pickets to Tittsburgh!" I was mortified.
Bob: Oh, that's nothing. I tried to ask my wife Karen to pass the salt at dinner the other night and accidentally said "You stupid fucking bitch, you ruined my life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3uvd/freudian_slips/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3tos/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
what did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?.

idk he hasn’t opened it yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3sil/what_did_the_boy_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
%
My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she's starting to sound like my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3pmn/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
%
What does a cannibal call a phone book?

A menu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3pfv/what_does_a_cannibal_call_a_phone_book/
%
A woman is pushing her baby in a stroller thru the park...

...when she sees a friend of hers smoking a cigarette. She walks up to him and asks how he is, and says "I thought you gave up smoking for good?" The man says "I did, now I smoke for evil." and blows smoke in the baby's face and walks away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3np9/a_woman_is_pushing_her_baby_in_a_stroller_thru/
%
Six months ago, my wife asked me to get in shape.

Since then, I have been eating everything in sight. Today I am proud to say that I am a circle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3lzl/six_months_ago_my_wife_asked_me_to_get_in_shape/
%
Santa comes once a year

I remember as a child laying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come, and then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3juw/santa_comes_once_a_year/
%
I live in California and my friend told me, “I wish the leaves here changed color.” I told him, “the leaves in California change all the time...

they go from green to on fire.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3ib3/i_live_in_california_and_my_friend_told_me_i_wish/
%
A warning to all my friends.

Be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting closer to Christmas.
Police are out in full force with loads of road blocks all over. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another, and I had a few too many beers which then went on to whiskies. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.
I passed the police check point where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathaliser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely, no accidents,which was a real surprise because..
I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3h8w/a_warning_to_all_my_friends/
%
Did you hear about what happened to the Austrian prince?

He got serbed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3gjd/did_you_hear_about_what_happened_to_the_austrian/
%
There was once a marching band director named James

James had a passion for music, but also a notoriously bad temper. One day during practice, one of his trombone players kept playing out of tune. After the third time yelling at him, James decided to come down and beat him over the head with the trombone, and James ended up killing him. The trial was pretty open and shut since there were 200 witnesses to the murder, and James was sentenced to death by the electric chair. When the day finally came for his execution, a prison guard came by James's cell and asked for his last meal request.
"How many amps are they gonna give me?" James asked.
"The lethal amount" the guard responded.
"Then I'll have 10 bananas".
The guard was confused by the request, but gave him the bananas. James finished them incredibly fast, and was taken away to die soon after. They brought James in, strapped him down, and turned it on. But nothing happened. Confused by this, the guards brought James back to his cell and decided to try again the next day.
When the next day rolled around, the guard came back and asked James for his final meal request.
"How many amps are they gonna give me?" James asked.
"Twice the lethal amount" the guard responded.
"Then I'll have 20 bananas".
The guard didn't understand why James wanted so many bananas, but he had to give them to him. James was miraculously able to finish all the bananas, and then was taken away to die. They sat him down, strapped him in, and turned it on. But again, nothing happened. By this time there was a public outcry about how inhumane it is to try to kill someone multiple times and fail. A judge agreed with them, and told the prison they had one more chance to kill him and if they couldn't, James would be a free man. And so while the electric chair was being prepared one final time, the guard came to ask James for his final meal request.
"How many amps are they gonna give me?" James asked.
"Three times lethal amount" the guard responded.
"Then I'll have 30 bananas".
The guard was suspicious, but was told he had to fulfill the request and so James scarfed down 30 bananas in an incredible display before he was taken to the electric chair for a third time. They sat him down, strapped him in, and turned it on. But once again, nothing happened. The prison was forced to let James go as a free man, but before he left the prison guard who had delivered his meals stopped him and asked,
"How did you survive? Was it the bananas?"
James turned to face him as a smile crept over his face and said,
"No, I'm just a poor conductor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3fi6/there_was_once_a_marching_band_director_named/
%
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order...

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3dtm/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_name_off_all_my_sexual/
%
My wife and I were having some marital issues but we have moved on.

We have been doing it doggy style a lot lately, too much if you ask me.  I guess I shouldn’t complain.  Her strap on, her rules.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3bqr/my_wife_and_i_were_having_some_marital_issues_but/
%
I was hacked by Russia!



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3afj/i_was_hacked_by_russia/
%
How do you start an African rave?

Staple food to the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j39ph/how_do_you_start_an_african_rave/
%
Why did Hitler kill himself?

He saw the gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j379q/why_did_hitler_kill_himself/
%
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j3751/what_do_michelangelo_and_kurt_cobain_have_in/
%
I was trying to come up with a good suicide joke...

But I couldn’t figure out how to end it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j368c/i_was_trying_to_come_up_with_a_good_suicide_joke/
%
I phoned the animal shelter today

and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j2uek/i_phoned_the_animal_shelter_today/
%
"Dad, how do stars die?"

– “Usually an overdose.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j2szo/dad_how_do_stars_die/
%
A virgin redneck is getting married

And her father sits her down for a chat the day before the wedding. After making small talk with her daughter, asking if she was excited for the big day etc. the father eventually announces that he needed to talk about something more serious.
Father: "look I need to talk to you about something that's a little awkward"
Daughter: "we're close Daddy, you can talk to me about anything"
Father: "look honey, as you're a virgin, there's something you need to understand"
Daughter: "okay Daddy, what is it?"
Father: "well your soon to be husband is going to want to put his most prized possession where you piss..."
The daughter erupts with laughter, shaking her head with confusion.
Daughter: "daddy don't be silly, why would he want to put his flip flops in my sink!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j2szn/a_virgin_redneck_is_getting_married/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j2o32/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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I can show you how to get to heaven

A delightful, angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,  "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right.  It's on the left."
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommycome to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're shitting me, right?
You can't even find the Post Office."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j2lwo/i_can_show_you_how_to_get_to_heaven/
%
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

Bullied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j2k4u/what_did_the_kid_with_no_arms_get_for_christmas/
%
When is the best time for Muslims to run a race?

Ramadan. They fast during Ramadan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j2k3s/when_is_the_best_time_for_muslims_to_run_a_race/
%
Carry A Flashlight

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.
"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j2jcn/carry_a_flashlight/
%
What did the dentist diagnosis the red head with?

Gingervitis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j2dgn/what_did_the_dentist_diagnosis_the_red_head_with/
%
I once tried to walk a mile in another man's shoes

Cops got me before I could get to the end of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j2b1j/i_once_tried_to_walk_a_mile_in_another_mans_shoes/
%
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. I beg to differ because, there is...
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE."
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED!"
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are “COMPLETELY FINISHED"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j27ww/no_english_dictionary_has_been_able_to_explain/
%
A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath.

The psychopath says "I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you."
The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he falls dead almost instantly.
The doctor examines the snake, tries to find the best position to stop the snake being uncomfortable, and holds it. The snake bites her, and she falls over dead.
The politician is last up, he just mutters ‘screw it’ and holds the snake. To his amazement, the snake stays still, it doesn't bite him.
He holds it for a full ten minutes, and is set free. As he leaves, he looks at the snake and says "I wonder why you killed that pious holy man and that great saviour of lives, but let me live."
"Professional courtesy" the snake replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j23do/a_priest_a_doctor_and_a_politician_are_kidnapped/
%
TIL that diarrhea is hereditary...

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j21gi/til_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j1yjg/why_do_jews_get_circumcised/
%
What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j1y22/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
If men get morning wood…

Do women get morning dew?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j1u24/if_men_get_morning_wood/
%
I shared my bed with a close friend the other night.

Hopefully she brings it back soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j1twi/i_shared_my_bed_with_a_close_friend_the_other/
%
I lived how Steve Jobs told us to live

"If you live each day as it was your last,… "
And I have no money left!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j1ser/i_lived_how_steve_jobs_told_us_to_live/
%
Why do men prefer guns over woman?

You can put a silencer on a gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j1nvc/why_do_men_prefer_guns_over_woman/
%
3 witch fugitives were cornered by police

The redhead yelled "AIR" and a gust of wind carried her to safety.
The brunette yelled "EARTH" and a tunnel to safety appeared underneath her.
The blonde yelled "FIRE" so the police did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j1kxa/3_witch_fugitives_were_cornered_by_police/
%
What's the difference between a pirate and a grammar nazi?

Pirate: Yarrrrr
Grammar Nazi: *you're

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j1ga8/whats_the_difference_between_a_pirate_and_a/
%
The vulture dragged a dead goat onto the plane.

Don't worry, he said to the attendant.  It's just my carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j1f0x/the_vulture_dragged_a_dead_goat_onto_the_plane/
%
A guy was in a bakery and accidentally pushed open the door to the back room.

To his surprise, he saw one of the bakers lying down naked on a counter, kneading bread dough on his chest. The guy turned and said to another baker, "That's the oddest thing I have ever seen." The baker replied, "You should see him make the doughnuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j19x2/a_guy_was_in_a_bakery_and_accidentally_pushed/
%
Let me tell you a story of a guy named Juan.

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:
"You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education"
And Juan said:
"You know, I've never thought about that before, but why not?"
So Juan got up in front of the people in town and gave a speech:
"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids, and I love my dog"
Now politicians tend to be dishonest, but the people of this town knew Juan, and his statements hit home with them. Juan was elected by a landslide.
Juan worked tirelessly to clean up the schools, day and night, instituting new programs and fixing the curriculum. In a very short time graduation rates doubled and test scores shot up.
Then one day the governer died of a heart attack, and the people who Juan worked with closely on the board suggested Juan run.
Juan said:
"Well I've never thought about that before, but why not?"
Juan gave a speech to his state:
"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids and I love my dog"
The state went wild for such an honest and loveable man and he was elected.
As governer he made his home state a wonderful place to live, businesses boomed, communities were peaceful, crime was down and employment was up. Everyone loved Juan.
Then one day Juan was approached by a political group that endorses candidates for major offices. They asked Juan if he would like to run for president.
Juan said:
"Hmm, I've never thought about tbat before, but why not?"
Juan stood before the American people and said:
"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids, and I love my dog."
The crowd goes ballistic, the American people lose their god damn minds. No candidate had ever been so universally loved like Juan.
Juan is elected President of the United States.
A few years go by. Juan keeps every one of his campaign promises. Unemployment is down to basically nothing, the economy is booming, the national debt is on its way to being paid off.
Then reality hits Juan.
He has no where to go from here.
Juan becomes depressed. He starts drinking heavily.
One day he is sitting in the Oval office drunk as a skunk when his wife comes in. She wants funding for a new project. Juan doesn't listen. He pulls out a gun and shoots her. Then Juan's children come into the oval office wanting the time and attention of their father. He shoots them a well. Lastly his dog comes trotting in looking for a walk or a treat but he shoots the dog as well.
This doesn't sit well with the American people. He is arrested and put up for impeachment but is able to make bail and get out for a while before the trial, but he's not allowed back in the white house and he doesn't have a home.
Juan wandered the streets with a heavy heart when it started to rain. Juan finds a dumpster, lifts the lid and starts to climb in. A homeless man jumps up from inside the dumpster and pushes Juan away.
"This is my dumpster" said the homeless man.
"Please let me share it tonight" said Juan
"No . . . Wait a minute, I know you." Said the homeless man, "you're Juan! You're that sick son of a bitch that killed his wife, and kids, and dog!"
"I know" said Juan "but please, I have nowhere to go"
The homeless man told Juan to go away, but Juan just begged and begged. Eventually the homeless man pulled out a golf gun and shot him.
What's a golf gun?
Well I don't know either, but it sure shot a hole in Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j178n/let_me_tell_you_a_story_of_a_guy_named_juan/
%
I went out to find the big dipper constellation but couldn't find it. I went back inside and did some research before trying again.

The difference was night and day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j1703/i_went_out_to_find_the_big_dipper_constellation/
%
Two blondes go deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree...

After hours and hours of sub-zero temperatures, a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Enough is enough! I'm chopping down the next tree I see! I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j16vn/two_blondes_go_deep_into_the_frozen_woods/
%
If two alligators have reach an agreement...

... do they have a crocodeal?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j16ey/if_two_alligators_have_reach_an_agreement/
%
It's so cold outside...

...the local flasher just described himself to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j13e2/its_so_cold_outside/
%
Talking Dog For Sale: $100

One day a man was driving home from work. As he passed a house, he saw a sign that read: “TALKING DOG FOR SALE $100.” So he pulled into the driveway and noticed the dog sitting on the front lawn. As he stepped out of the car, he carefully approached the dog.
“Hey there!” Said the dog.
“Woah! You actually do talk!” The man replied.
And the two got into a full on conversation that lasted well over an hour. Eventually the man got to hear the dogs whole life story, and the dog had told him about his past. Like how he was a former member of the CIA, had been in the military, had traveled the world, gone to outer-space, and even met the president!
The man was absolutely amazed by the dogs ability to speak English, and decided that he wanted to buy him. So he went up to the front door of the house and knocked on the door.
A man came to the door.
“Can I help you sir?” He said.
“I’m here to buy the talking dog you have for sale, but I can’t believe you’re only selling him for $100! He just told me about how he’s traveled the world, and fought in the military, and met the president and...”
The man was stopped short by the guy at the front door.
“Ohhh yeahhh, about that, well you see here’s the thing...he’s a liar”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j10q7/talking_dog_for_sale_100/
%
I just saw a French footballer trying Nintendo in the shop

I think it was Thierry on Wii

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j10ft/i_just_saw_a_french_footballer_trying_nintendo_in/
%
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j0wsl/the_elderly_italian_man_went_to_his_parish_priest/
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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

One has its pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j0kj9/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
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A father and his son

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.
Son: The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.  The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.  Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j0iur/a_father_and_his_son/
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Why did the bull tear up the used book store?

They were all read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j0hcj/why_did_the_bull_tear_up_the_used_book_store/
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A man walks into a pet store

He walks up to the clerk and says "I'm looking for a dog" the clerk says "Okay what kind of demeanor are you looking for" the man says "I'm looking for a guard dog demeanor the better"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j0f39/a_man_walks_into_a_pet_store/
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What is the only good letter in Santa's book?

E.
They're all either not-e or nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7j00u4/what_is_the_only_good_letter_in_santas_book/
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What do you call a salty ex-marine?

A seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7izxk9/what_do_you_call_a_salty_exmarine/
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For you guitarists out there...

After going through a brutal divorce, a woman decides to get revenge. She goes to get ex's house, and proceeds to destroy each and every one of his guitars. When she gets to court, the judge asks her;
"First offender?"
She replies; "No. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7izvja/for_you_guitarists_out_there/
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What do you call a masterbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7izuc6/what_do_you_call_a_masterbating_cow/
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Knock knock. Who's there? Little Boy Blue. Little Boy Blue who?

Kevin Spacey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7izq16/knock_knock_whos_there_little_boy_blue_little_boy/
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Why do blonde women have bruised belly buttons?

Because blonde men are stupid too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7izk0m/why_do_blonde_women_have_bruised_belly_buttons/
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My roomate accused me of stealing her clothes the other day.

I got so scared I nearly shat her pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7izhte/my_roomate_accused_me_of_stealing_her_clothes_the/
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A young seminary graduate was delivering his first sermon...

When the young seminary graduate arrived at the small country Church to preach his first official sermon, he noticed it had snowed about three feet deep just hours before Church was scheduled to begin. Due to the snow, An elderly, white bearded farmer was the only person to show up for the service.
The young minister looked at the farmer and asked, "What do you think we should do?"
The farmer scratched his beard thoughtfully. "Well, I don't know much about preaching, but I do know about farming. If I went down to the pasture with a load of hay to feed my cows and only one cow showed up, I'd feed that cow."
The seminary graduate said, "That's great! You sit right there and I'll preach you a sermon."
After about ninety minutes of preaching hellfire and brimstone, the seminary graduate concluded his sermon. Feeling pretty proud of his accomplishment, the preacher turned to the farmer and asked, "Well, how was it?"
The farmer scratched his beard thoughtfully. "Like I said, I don't know much about preaching, but I do know about farming. Like I told you, if I went down to the field with a load of hay and only one cow showed up, I'd feed that one cow. But, there's just one thing."
"What's that?" the preacher asked.
The farmer replied, "I wouldn't feed her the whole load."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7izgm0/a_young_seminary_graduate_was_delivering_his/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7izcu2/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7izcnl/did_you_know_the_first_french_fries_werent/
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A man goes to the doctor

The doctor says "what's wrong?"
The man says "well, I have a problem down there but I'm afraid you'll laugh at me"
She says "sir, I assure you I will not, I have worked here 10 years and have not once laughed at a patient's body"
He says "Well, alright." And drops his pants.
As she looks, she sees that his penis is the tiniest she has ever seen, not much longer than a pencil eraser and not much wider. She initially begins to laugh, but is determined to be professional and stay composed.
In her most professional voice, she says "what seems to be the problem, sir?"
"It's swollen"
The doctor leaves the room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7izawq/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Why did Angelina Jolie hire a hitman to kill her?

Because her family wouldn't have handled the youth in Asia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iz5yq/why_did_angelina_jolie_hire_a_hitman_to_kill_her/
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Dead people reward

What do dead people get as a reward?
Atrophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iyzpj/dead_people_reward/
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What do you call a skinny Asian electrician?

Light Ning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iyyw7/what_do_you_call_a_skinny_asian_electrician/
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Freudian Slip

One friend says to the other "Wow dude, i have to tell you an embarrassing story"
"Sure..What is it?"
"Well, I just had the worst freudian slip experience. I recently had to go on a business trip to Pittsburgh and when I went to the counter in the airport to buy the ticket, the lady working had such huge breasts that when she asked me "How can I help you?" I accidentally answered that I needed two **P**ickets to **T**ittsburgh..."
"BAH, that's not so bad. I recently had a bad one myself"
"Oh really, what happened?"
"Well, yesterday I went to breakfast with my wife. When she asked "Honey, can you pass me the salt?"  I replied "You ruined my life you fucking bitch" "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iyx1a/freudian_slip/
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In 1st grade music, a student told me a joke he just thought up: What kind of sandwich is made out of a leg?

A below-knee sandwich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iyrbh/in_1st_grade_music_a_student_told_me_a_joke_he/
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How come pioneers always had ugly wives?

Because they settled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iyqg7/how_come_pioneers_always_had_ugly_wives/
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Boy complains to his father:

You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iypvf/boy_complains_to_his_father/
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My grandfather died at auschwitz

He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iymfy/my_grandfather_died_at_auschwitz/
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Know what relationships and farts have in common?

If you have to force it, it's ~~probability~~ probably crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iymfg/know_what_relationships_and_farts_have_in_common/
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I've broken my arm in 3 places.

I've decided to stop going to those places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iykse/ive_broken_my_arm_in_3_places/
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A man goes in to see his doctor about an illness and brings his wife

After a short time, the doctor and man walk into the waiting room, and the doctor beckons the wife to talk to her privately.
“What’s the diagnosis? Is he going to be alright?” the wife asked.
“I’m afraid he isn’t looking good,” the doctor replied. “In fact, there’s a great chance he’ll die.”
“Oh no! What can be done to make him better?”
“He can’t work for the rest of his life. You’ll have to make his meals, wash the dishes, take out the trash, drive him everywhere, find a job, and anything else that he might do himself ordinarily.”
When the wife came back into the waiting room, the man looks up hopefully and goes, “Well?”
“Well,” the wife said, “it looks like you’re not going to make it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iyhyy/a_man_goes_in_to_see_his_doctor_about_an_illness/
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The one request

There was a town that sat atop the mountains of Northern France. In this town, there was one single church. One night, the priest of the church saw a man wandering with little purpose, so he asked the man if he needed assistance. Before the priest could even finish, the man interrupted, “Could you spare me one half of a peeled blueberry?” The priest, confused, obeys the man’s request. Before he could even ask what the blueberry was for, the man vanished.
The priest went to bed that night and couldn’t stop having dreams about this mysterious man and his mysterious blueberry request. The dreams were starting to drive the priest insane, but finally the morning came and it was easier to forget all about the situation. At the end of the next day, the priest saw the same man. “Father, could you spare me half of a peeled blueberry?”  The priest, getting creeped out, followed these requests and gave the man another blueberry, but this time he firmly grasped the man’s arm so he couldn’t run away. The man broke free and sprinted away before the priest could even ask what the blueberry was for.
The priest decided he would work on his grip strength to hold the man tighter. All week he was squeezing things to work up his strength. When the next Sunday night rolled around, the mysterious man was there once again. “Can you spare me one half of a peeled blueberry?” The priest was ready. He want to get the blueberry and he grabbed the man as he gave it to him. Unfortunately, the priest’s hands were still too sore, so the man escaped easily. The priest started to get pissed, and figured he would give his hand a rest so they wouldn’t be so sore the next week. As the next Sunday night came, the mysterious man, once again, showed up. “Father, can you spare me one half of a peeled blueberry?” The priest was absolutely ready. He got the blueberry, gave it to the man, and grabbed his arm. It was the week that the priest could finally ask the man why he requested such a mysterious object. The man was too strong for the priest, and was still able to escape.
The priest was absolutely fed up, and he devised a plan to trap the man to find out what the half blueberry was for each week. The curiosity was killing him. First, the priest worked on his running so he could catch up to the man. Then, he saved all of the banana peels he had. He also installed ropes to trip the man, and plenty of fences the direction the man would run. The next Sunday night, when it was getting darker out, the man showed up. “Father, can you please spare me one half of a peeled blueberry?” The priest gave him the blueberry and the man started to run. The priest caught up and threw banana peels in front of the man. The man tripped, but kept going. Then, the man ran into the priest’s rope trap and tumbled down. The priest kneeled down next to the man and said, “Son, please tell me, why do you request one half of a blueberry without the skin?” The man was reluctant, but knew he had lost and had to answer. "Alright,” responded the man, “You must promise not to tell anybody what I am about to tell you. “I promise,” said the priest. The priest kept his promise and never told anybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iyhcj/the_one_request/
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[Long] I recall my first time with a condom

"I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iya96/long_i_recall_my_first_time_with_a_condom/
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A man and little boy are walking through the forest... (NSFW)

And the kid is really nervous and says "This place is pretty scary!"
"You're telling ME? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iy5wh/a_man_and_little_boy_are_walking_through_the/
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I got a job at the circus circumcising the elephants

....the pay sucks, but the tips are huge!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iy5i1/i_got_a_job_at_the_circus_circumcising_the/
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I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

I lost my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ixxs3/i_tried_to_sue_the_airport_for_misplacing_my/
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I think we should ban pre-shredded cheese.

Make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ixulu/i_think_we_should_ban_preshredded_cheese/
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Scientist: let’s name this spider long legs, for its long legs.

Scientist 2: hmmmm not kinky enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ixs50/scientist_lets_name_this_spider_long_legs_for_its/
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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ixr74/my_annoying_little_cousin_keeps_bragging_about/
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Two crazy men escape from an asylum, through a roof top.

The first man jumps across to the next rooftop, and tells the other "There's plenty of roof tops. We can go pretty far if we keep jumping through em' like this."
The second one is afraid of falling. "No way man! I don't want to fall and die."
The first one then grabs a flashlight, shines it across the gap between rooftops and says "Here, you can walk across safely now."
The second one then responds, "You think I'm crazy? You'll just turn it off when I'm halfway there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ixndp/two_crazy_men_escape_from_an_asylum_through_a/
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Lots of people don't like my clown baton

But I think it's ma jest stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ixn8z/lots_of_people_dont_like_my_clown_baton/
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.
At first, I didn't get this joke. I was lost, boys. But I love this joke, it never grows old, and it has a nice hook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ixn53/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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The other day I thought I found a real velvet pillowcase...

...but it turned out it was just a sham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ixn3c/the_other_day_i_thought_i_found_a_real_velvet/
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What happens after the queen visits the toilet?

A royal flush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ixmj9/what_happens_after_the_queen_visits_the_toilet/
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If we all email the constitution to each other

The NSA might finally read it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ixkd5/if_we_all_email_the_constitution_to_each_other/
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What do you call an Indian standing on one leg?

Balan  Singh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ixjmd/what_do_you_call_an_indian_standing_on_one_leg/
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What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ixejz/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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An Irish woman wants a divorce.

An Irish woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night.  So she goes to the priest to ask for a divorce, the priest tells her that the Catholic Church does not give divorces.  However the priest tells her there  is a cemetery between the bar and their house, so she should scare him.
So she hides behind a tombstone and waits for him, when he walk by she jumps out and frightens him.  He asks “what/who are you”, she responds “I’m Lucifer lord of hell” he says “Oh I married your twin sister.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ixdhq/an_irish_woman_wants_a_divorce/
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You miss 100% of the shots you don't take...

...tell that to a storm trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ixc67/you_miss_100_of_the_shots_you_dont_take/
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Why do so many kids die in school shootings?

They aren’t allowed to run in the hallways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ix9ux/why_do_so_many_kids_die_in_school_shootings/
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A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi

She says to him, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"
The wise old Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ix966/a_jewish_woman_goes_to_see_her_rabbi/
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As a dyslexic, travel can be a nightmare

Sorry, wrong bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ix3wm/as_a_dyslexic_travel_can_be_a_nightmare/
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I asked my dad to borrow a newspaper. "We don't waste paper in the 21st century, here use my iPad" he said

I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iwzjk/i_asked_my_dad_to_borrow_a_newspaper_we_dont/
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What do you call a discount circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iwzd1/what_do_you_call_a_discount_circumcision/
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A man was eating a hotdog...

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Immediately the little dog began to bark at the man while he ate.
The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"
"Not at all." the woman replied.
The man picked up the dog and tossed him over a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iwux1/a_man_was_eating_a_hotdog/
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There was a boy born without any eyelids

And it caused him terrible discomfort and to make matters worse, the doctors feared he would inevitably go blind one day.
Then one doctor came up with an ingenious solution. He planned to circumcise the boy and use his foreskin to make new eyelids for him.
After a lengthy procedure, the surgery was a success and now the boy has two fully functioning eyelids.
The doctor says the boy is doing fine, he’s just a little cock-eyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iwngh/there_was_a_boy_born_without_any_eyelids/
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Wonder woman

Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.
Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.
Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iwjzw/wonder_woman/
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Two blondes are walking in the forest..

They stumble upon some tracks
Blonde one says “these are deer tracks”
Blonde two says “no these are raccoon tracks”
They argue and argue until they get hit by a train...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iwjao/two_blondes_are_walking_in_the_forest/
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The Other Side of the Story

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making sex to a very beautiful woman.
“You son of a bitch ” she cried. “How can you cheat me – faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”
And the husband replied “Wait a minute love,I can explain you what happened.”
“Fine, right on,” she said, “but this will be the last conversation between us!”
And the husband began: “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked for into car. She looked so bad and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for two days! So, in my mercy, I brought her home and warmed up the meatballs I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. She ate them in seconds.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I tossed out her dirty and full of holes clothes Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your birthday present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the luxury boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”
Man took a quick breath and continued to talking – “She was so grateful for my help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please …do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iwiwe/the_other_side_of_the_story/
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I accidentally said hi to a feminist today.

My court case starts tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iwg3k/i_accidentally_said_hi_to_a_feminist_today/
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What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.
“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”
“No, son, I have a wife.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iwdsn/what_does_the_word_gay_mean_asked_a_son_his_father/
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What's alike about me and a neutrino?

We are both constantly penetrating your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iwci9/whats_alike_about_me_and_a_neutrino/
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An American, a German, and a Soviet archaeologists were trying to determine the name of a newly discovered mummy.

Since it was thousands of years old and it was discovered in a remote place, they could not figure out the name of the mummy. So they decide to go figure it out independently and meet again after a week of investigation.
The next week, they share their findings.
The American says: "Well, this was really hard. I bet $5000 on whoever could figure it out, but no one could!"
The German says: "I tried figuring it out by setting up an equation involving its location, size, and estimated age, but ended up with no definite answer."
The Soviet says: "The mummy's name is Amenhotep the 23rd."
Amazed, the two archaeologists ask him, "How did you figure it out?"
The Soviet archaeologist replies, "It confessed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iw9ka/an_american_a_german_and_a_soviet_archaeologists/
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I've bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas

It's not her main present, more of a stocking filler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iw6q1/ive_bought_my_wife_an_artificial_leg_for_christmas/
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I like to abuse drugs.

Nothing more satisfying than tying up the bottle, smacking it around a bit, and calling it a very naughty pill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iw645/i_like_to_abuse_drugs/
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How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iw4mo/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_wall/
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What do Minnesotans say when they wake up and deal with no ice that day

Noice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iw3j0/what_do_minnesotans_say_when_they_wake_up_and/
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There were two nude statues...

There were two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel fluttered down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues had been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.
The angel said, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick--you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again."
The man looked at the woman, and they both flushed, giggled, and run off into some underbrush. An intense rustling came from the bushes, and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied.
The angel smiles at the couple. "That was only seven minutes--why not go back and do it again?"
The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman said, "Why not? But let's reverse it this time--you hold down the pigeon, and I'll shit on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iw38p/there_were_two_nude_statues/
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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iw21s/my_brother_just_updated_his_status_to_i_love_my/
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What did the man robbing the zoo say to the police?

Don't come any closer, I've got ostriches!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ivz9z/what_did_the_man_robbing_the_zoo_say_to_the_police/
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Have you heard that the weather forecast in Alabama now favors Roy Moore?

It’s expected to dip into the teens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ivy2p/have_you_heard_that_the_weather_forecast_in/
%
My wife left me because I'm too insecure

Oh wait, she's back now. She just went to the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ivx08/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
I cried when my uncle chopped Onions

Onions was a great dog...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ivwk4/i_cried_when_my_uncle_chopped_onions/
%
A house of cards is really fragile

One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ivwhk/a_house_of_cards_is_really_fragile/
%
A bar walks into physicist..

Sorry wrong frame of reference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ivutl/a_bar_walks_into_physicist/
%
I was reading a book about lubrication in the library.

I found it in the non-friction section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ivumz/i_was_reading_a_book_about_lubrication_in_the/
%
My Doctor said I should stop masturbating....

His secretary was getting uncomfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ivu9o/my_doctor_said_i_should_stop_masturbating/
%
How did the Hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ivrj8/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.

But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing apples to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ivpik/steve_jobs_would_have_been_a_better_president/
%
I don't understand why people are in awe when I tell them my father survived Auschwitz

Most of the other German officers did too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ivp83/i_dont_understand_why_people_are_in_awe_when_i/
%
Don't commit suicide kids

Your parents will ground you forever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ivm09/dont_commit_suicide_kids/
%
(In Russian accent)

Three men walk up to me and each ask my name, so I kill them together.
A 4th man walks up and asks, "Did you kill all these people? What did they do? What is problem?" So I kill him.
A 5th man walks up and asks"Did you kill all these people?" I say yes. He says, "Why you do this? Did you not like them?" So I kill him.
A 6th man walks up and "Did you kill all these people because you did not like them?" I said, "No, that is not problem." So he asks, "So why did you kill them?" "I do not like being asked three questions." "Why not?" He says.
So I kill him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iv9rg/in_russian_accent/
%
Apparently crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut off its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iv6mz/apparently_crabs_hear_through_their_legs/
%
An old man was sitting on a bench...

When a teenage skater punk sat down next to him. The kid has tattoos and piercings and a Mohawk dyed a half a dozen different colors. He notices the old man won't stop staring at him so says to him "What, you've never done anything fun in your life old man?" To which he calmly replies "Got drunk once, broke into the zoo and fucked a peacock, was just wondering if you were my son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iv5lk/an_old_man_was_sitting_on_a_bench/
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TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iv3dy/til_that_after_starring_in_21_kevin_spacey_tried/
%
Overweight

My doctor said I am overweight, I asked for a 2nd opinion. He said you're f**king ugly as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iv1vb/overweight/
%
The speeding mand and the cop

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iux79/the_speeding_mand_and_the_cop/
%
Sometimes I wake up Grumpy...

Sometimes I let her sleep in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iuulh/sometimes_i_wake_up_grumpy/
%
I just saw an apple store getting robbed

So later the police called me as an iwitness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iurcr/i_just_saw_an_apple_store_getting_robbed/
%
3.14% of sailors are…

π-rates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iundm/314_of_sailors_are/
%
Why is Santa always so jolly?

Cuz he knows where all the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iumsm/why_is_santa_always_so_jolly/
%
Had a dream that I was playing as Darth Vader in Battlefront 2

Woke up and couldn't find my wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iugja/had_a_dream_that_i_was_playing_as_darth_vader_in/
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Why did blonde get excited after finishing a puzzle in 6 months?

Because the box said 2-4 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iucqm/why_did_blonde_get_excited_after_finishing_a/
%
How do Mexicans feel about Trump’s wall?

they'll get over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iuc7h/how_do_mexicans_feel_about_trumps_wall/
%
A penis is much like those drawings you did as a kid...

You may be proud of it and want to show it off to everyone but no one else really wants to see it & they're probably laughing at it behind your back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iu8ko/a_penis_is_much_like_those_drawings_you_did_as_a/
%
A woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “But if I die before my husband, I’m sure he’ll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iu7bb/a_woman_decided_to_have_her_portrait_painted/
%
Two blondes are walking and one asks, “ which is closer, the moon or Florida?” And the other responds, “duh...

... can you see Florida?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iu748/two_blondes_are_walking_and_one_asks_which_is/
%
EA

It's in the title

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iu67a/ea/
%
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iu2ll/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
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What temperature is a tauntaun?

-
-
-
-
Lukewarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iu1jb/what_temperature_is_a_tauntaun/
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Indian Medicine

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.  The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: "1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked:  How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.  When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"   Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ittl7/indian_medicine/
%
If I had invested $1000 into Bitcoin today I would have...

No idea how it worked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7itslz/if_i_had_invested_1000_into_bitcoin_today_i_would/
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Dads are like a boomerang.

They come back.
...right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7itk1o/dads_are_like_a_boomerang/
%
Did you hear about the reformed serial killer that murdered prostitutes by stabbing them with car keys?

He did the ho key pokey then he turned himself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7itg5u/did_you_hear_about_the_reformed_serial_killer/
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A paraplegic stole my camo shirt

You can hide but you can't run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7itegi/a_paraplegic_stole_my_camo_shirt/
%
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight...

"This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for
something on the floor.
The gentleman was in morbid shock.
He couldn’t breathe.
He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'"
"Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7itd5d/a_guy_was_boarding_a_plane_when_he_heard_that_the/
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Opinions are like assholes....

I wish my girlfriend paid more attention to mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7itbi9/opinions_are_like_assholes/
%
Grammar is

the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7it7n4/grammar_is/
%
Failure is not an option

It comes bundled with your Microsoft package

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7it4dh/failure_is_not_an_option/
%
If it wasn't for my wife, I'd probably be writing depressive Facebook messages all day.

But she changed my password.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7it3fy/if_it_wasnt_for_my_wife_id_probably_be_writing/
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Since it started snowing, all my Girlfriend has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse i might have to let her back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7it1ch/since_it_started_snowing_all_my_girlfriend_has/
%
How do german kickstarters get money?

Krautfunding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7it12n/how_do_german_kickstarters_get_money/
%
Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm Gay."

Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iszcc/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
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A man had a portal to a secret world in his house

Every night he would step through the portal and leave his chatty wife, screaming kids and dirty dog behind. He would be completely alone and calm.
But then his feet would cramp up and he had to wipe his ass and get back to reality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7isxx9/a_man_had_a_portal_to_a_secret_world_in_his_house/
%
The Phantom Menace is 18 years old this year!

Finally, it can be tried as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ist44/the_phantom_menace_is_18_years_old_this_year/
%
Whats the difference between a gun and a feminist?

A gun only has one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7isrmq/whats_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a_feminist/
%
masturbation is not illegal,

but if it were, people would probably start taking the law into their own hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ishbo/masturbation_is_not_illegal/
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The Clock Has Arrived

In the days before the advent of the mobile phone, and even when fixed lines were scarce, an engineer's wife was expecting, and the baby was due any day....
The engineer was very confident that it would be a boy, and was eagerly looking forward to the delivery day....
As fate would have it, he was transferred to another city at the time the baby was due, and had to leave immediately to take up his new post....
Before going, he asked his father-in-law to send a telegram confirming the birth of his son....
But in order to avoid giving a party to his office colleagues, he asks his father -in-law to write _"The Clock Has Arrived,"_ and he will understand that the son is born....
The D-day arrived. His wife delivered a cute little baby girl....
Now the engineer's father-in-law didn't know what to do. If he writes _"The Clock Has Arrived,"_  the son-in-law will think he has a son....
If he writes _"The Clock Has Not Arrived,"_ the son-in-law will get worried that something serious has happened....
Being a very intelligent person, he finds a solution, and sends the telegram....
Son in law received the telegram, opened it eagerly & read....
_"The Clock Has Arrived, But The Pendulum Is Missing."_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7isfn2/the_clock_has_arrived/
%
There are 3 rings in a marriage....

Engagement ring. Wedding ring. Suffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7isfe4/there_are_3_rings_in_a_marriage/
%
How many people suffering from ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

Knock knock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7isebl/how_many_people_suffering_from_add_does_it_take/
%
An introvert walks into a bar...

And then leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7isbpr/an_introvert_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man found Rs.100

and went to a Five Star hotel for dinner.
There his bill was Rs.3000
When he said that he has only Rs.100 then, manager handed him to police.
He gave Rs.100 to police and went free....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7is97a/a_man_found_rs100/
%
This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming,

Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7is8u1/this_weekend_we_saw_a_crocodile_that_had_trouble/
%
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds

2 Kilomockingbirds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7is8ef/what_do_you_call_2000_mockingbirds/
%
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7is823/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_was/
%
Lover's Lane.

A cop comes upon a car parked late one night on Lover's Lane. Upon further investigation he finds a male subject reading a book in the front seat and a female subject filing her nails in the back seat.
The cop asks the guy, "What are you doing up here?"
"I'm reading a book sir."
"Uh-huh. And what’s she doing?" the cop inquires, motioning toward the back seat.
"Well clearly, sir, she is filing her nails."
With a puzzled look on his face, the cop says, "In the 13 years I've been a cop I've never seen anything like this on Lover's Lane. How old are you son?"
"I'm 20."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in about 15 minutes she'll be 18."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7is6r2/lovers_lane/
%
A penis has a sad life

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, & his owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7is4u1/a_penis_has_a_sad_life/
%
"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string...

She panted, "I want my guitar back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7is4i5/tell_me_what_you_want_i_whispered_as_i_slid_my/
%
What is the world record for the most Chinese food eaten in one sitting?

Roughly wonton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7is30p/what_is_the_world_record_for_the_most_chinese/
%
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?

Does it have to be a group activity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7is2gl/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Her Him

Her: I'm Susan, but you can call me Sue.
Him: I'm Dave, but everyone calls me Dick
Her: Really? How do you get Dick from Dave?
Him: You ask nicely.
I heard this today!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7is1fj/her_him/
%
Ever wonder why when geese fly in a "V" one side is longer than the other?

Its because one side has more geese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7irzo0/ever_wonder_why_when_geese_fly_in_a_v_one_side_is/
%
Scientists have just announced the finding of the world's longest penis. At just over five feet, the sight of it has shocked the nation...

...and, even worse, it's going to head a vote to repeal Net Neutrality on Thursday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7irzhx/scientists_have_just_announced_the_finding_of_the/
%
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus.

I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7irwdn/today_i_saw_a_sign_for_a_suicide_helpline_on_the/
%
A penguin goes on a vacation

A penguin decides to ditch the cold and take a vacation to Arizona. He swims to California and rents a car for a road trip. A while down the road he starts hearing a weird noise, and knows something must be wrong with the car. Being a penguin, he knows fuck all about cars, so he takes it to the nearest mechanic. While waiting, he starts to get uncomfortably hot in the desert. Across the street, he notices an ice cream shop and decides to get a couple scoops of vanilla to cool down. As he’s eating his cone walking back, he sees the mechanic head back into the waiting room. The penguin is just about to walk through the door when he drops the cone and spills all down the front of himself. He figures he can clean himself up at the mechanic, so he walks inside. The mechanic looks up and says “it looks like you blew a seal” to which the penguin replied “no no! It’s just ice cream!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7irvtb/a_penguin_goes_on_a_vacation/
%
What's the similarities between my wife and a nail?

I can't unscrew either of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7irv2w/whats_the_similarities_between_my_wife_and_a_nail/
%
Hey babe, can I be your first derivative?

Because I want to lie tangent to your curves...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iro2f/hey_babe_can_i_be_your_first_derivative/
%
Christmas gift for wife

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.
She told me, *'Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace'*
So, I bought her nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7irnyt/christmas_gift_for_wife/
%
When my wife was putting on her makeup, I told her that she had put too much arch in her eyebrows.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7irlq5/when_my_wife_was_putting_on_her_makeup_i_told_her/
%
You mama so fat

We're all genuinely concerned for her health.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7irkja/you_mama_so_fat/
%
What kind of coffee do Siths drink?

Darth roast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7irju4/what_kind_of_coffee_do_siths_drink/
%
What do you call a penguin in the desert?

Lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7irhjl/what_do_you_call_a_penguin_in_the_desert/
%
Drinking light beer is like eating out your sister

It tastes the same but it's just not right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ir9ok/drinking_light_beer_is_like_eating_out_your_sister/
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The Generous Man

*ADULT CONTENT*
There's a man walking along the beach enjoying the beautiful sunset when he comes across a girl crying. He asks her, "What's wrong?" She tells him, "I'm 21 y.o., I have no arms, no legs and I've never been kissed." So he looks around, bends down and gives her the most passionate kiss. He stands up, "There, now you've been kissed," and he walks away. As he was walking away he hears her crying again, so he turns around. He asks, "Now what's wrong?" She says, "I'm 21 y.o., I have no arms, no legs and I've never been fucked." So he looks around, gently picks her up and tosses her into the water, "There, now you're fucked!"
P.S. My disabled Mom told me this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ir75h/the_generous_man/
%
What do you call a pessimistic antelope?

A can’telope!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ir6hu/what_do_you_call_a_pessimistic_antelope/
%
A man sleeps with the farmer's daughter...

He wakes up with a cinder block on his chest and a note: Farmers Revenge 1 of 3: Cinder block on chest.
The man scoffs, and throws the block out the window. As it falls, he notices the second note on the window sill: Farmers Revenge 2 of 3: Cinder block tied to right testacle.
Without thinking, the man jumps out the window. On the way down, he sees the sign below him: Farmer's Revenge 3 of 3: Left testicle tied to bed post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ir504/a_man_sleeps_with_the_farmers_daughter/
%
Jesus is watching you...

A man broke into a house one night, his goal was to take something small and valuable.
While he was searching through the stuff he heard a small voice "Jesus is watching you."
He stopped for a moment and said to himself "This must be a voice from my old sunday school."
So he continued searching, about 5 minutes later he heard the voice again "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight to the direction and he saw a parrot.
He said to the parrot "What is your name?" The parrot replied "Moses"
The robber then said "What kind of silly people would name there parrot Moses?"
The parrot looked up and said **"The same people who named the pitbull jesus!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iqyv1/jesus_is_watching_you/
%
I think my girlfriend knows my reddit password..



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iqypg/i_think_my_girlfriend_knows_my_reddit_password/
%
Die Hard is the best Christmas movie

Hans down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iqxn0/die_hard_is_the_best_christmas_movie/
%
The inventor of dog treats died earlier today...

He was a good boy, yes he was...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iquf7/the_inventor_of_dog_treats_died_earlier_today/
%
I told my friends a cancer joke, but they didn’t think it was funny. I was asked if I had anything else...

...luckily I still had tu mor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iqt6k/i_told_my_friends_a_cancer_joke_but_they_didnt/
%
Bill Cosby was one of the greatest boxers...

He got 20 ko's and didn't even fight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iqsa7/bill_cosby_was_one_of_the_greatest_boxers/
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What’s the difference between a cake and a corrupt politician?

One is a shit pie and one is ajit pai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iqpv7/whats_the_difference_between_a_cake_and_a_corrupt/
%
Why do jocks hate new technology?

They don't like betas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iqptr/why_do_jocks_hate_new_technology/
%
[NSFW] If you want to know if a girl likes you, you can tell by her feet...

If they are behind her ears she likes you a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iqjri/nsfw_if_you_want_to_know_if_a_girl_likes_you_you/
%
What did the fabric manufacturer name his two daughters?

Poly and Esther

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iqewk/what_did_the_fabric_manufacturer_name_his_two/
%
Did you hear about the guy that put his head in a microwave?

We now have concrete evidence that this is not a good idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iqb3f/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_put_his_head_in_a/
%
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iqams/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_same_thing/
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If I had a dollar everytime I wanted to die

I wouldn't want to die anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iqamj/if_i_had_a_dollar_everytime_i_wanted_to_die/
%
Did you hear about the lieutenant that had to watch a corn field?

He’s a colonel now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iq9tn/did_you_hear_about_the_lieutenant_that_had_to/
%
What's the one currency superman can't hold?

Kryptocurrency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iq7ui/whats_the_one_currency_superman_cant_hold/
%
Why are so many hipsters sweaty?

They put on their winter coats before it's cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iq01d/why_are_so_many_hipsters_sweaty/
%
I went to the zoo yesterday

There was only one dog
It was a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ipz6t/i_went_to_the_zoo_yesterday/
%
How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening...........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ipuww/how_my_husband_and_i_terrified_a_taxi_driver/
%
A pirate walks into McDonalds.

This pirate has a steering wheel between his legs, but doesn't seem to notice. As he places his order, the employee at the register keeps glancing at it awkwardly. Finally, as the pirate finishes ordering, the employee says "Sir, are you aware there's a steering wheel between your legs?" The pirate looks at it and goes "Yar. It be driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iptqb/a_pirate_walks_into_mcdonalds/
%
I cried the first time I had sex. You can laugh. Im not embarrassed by it. It was a very emotional moment for me...

I think it's because it was the first time my dad ever hugged me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ipshr/i_cried_the_first_time_i_had_sex_you_can_laugh_im/
%
How do you keep paint warm?

Put on a second coat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iprqu/how_do_you_keep_paint_warm/
%
6:30 is the best time on the clock.

Hands down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ipne8/630_is_the_best_time_on_the_clock/
%
A blonde does an IQ test

Her friend asks her how it went. " Don't worry, it came out negative"-she replies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ipndn/a_blonde_does_an_iq_test/
%
I hate blunt knives

They just won’t cut it for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ipiob/i_hate_blunt_knives/
%
Grandma Sent a Letter to her Friends

Dearest Ones:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus.  Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!"   What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord..
Everyone started honking!  I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.  There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.  When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ipinw/grandma_sent_a_letter_to_her_friends/
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Why does Norway have barcodes on their boats?

So they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ipgdg/why_does_norway_have_barcodes_on_their_boats/
%
This sub has been disappointing me lately.

I'm going to try a salad next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ipfu4/this_sub_has_been_disappointing_me_lately/
%
Bad puns...

are how eye roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ipe1z/bad_puns/
%
I'm basically a walking Dad joke.

My daughter ran up to me and said, "Daddy, I'm hungry!" I replied, "Give me a better opener, that bit's played out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ipcbg/im_basically_a_walking_dad_joke/
%
What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?

Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ipbuz/what_does_a_grape_say_when_it_gets_stepped_on/
%
Christopher Walken was walking down the street..

When a man stop him and said “Are you Christopher Walken?”
He said “No I’m Christopher standing here, because you stopped me”
It’s much better when told in 1st person using your shittiest Christopher Walken impression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ip9jk/christopher_walken_was_walking_down_the_street/
%
There once was a woman who had 100 children.........

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iozqg/there_once_was_a_woman_who_had_100_children/
%
An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason.

The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?"
The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?"
"No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iow6w/an_ugly_fat_bad_woman_with_two_kids_enters_wal/
%
A man and a little girl are walking through a dark forest.

"Sir! Sir! I'm scared!" "What do you think about me? I'm the one who's gonna have to walk back all alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iovqc/a_man_and_a_little_girl_are_walking_through_a/
%
I was testing children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered in unison.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was a unanimous "NO!"
"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
This time, there was no shout in unison. Finally, the silence was broken whan a little boy shouted out, "You've got to be dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iovk4/i_was_testing_children_in_my_sunday_school_class/
%
Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the 1st.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the 2nd.
Bartender gives them water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical
function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ioupw/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A one hand man walks into...

A second hand store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iou4z/a_one_hand_man_walks_into/
%
Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.

The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a d**k."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ioqrc/three_guys_sit_in_a_bar_complaining_about_their/
%
How did a snowman get to work?

By icicle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iopvd/how_did_a_snowman_get_to_work/
%
An aircraft is flying when all over sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot.

Having heard the crash a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.
Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened.
So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
"I'm 5'4 and in the front seat of the plane."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio. "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ionhe/an_aircraft_is_flying_when_all_over_sudden_a_bird/
%
42% of strippers are working their way through college

According to the latest pole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iolym/42_of_strippers_are_working_their_way_through/
%
There's no such thing as a "new" Law and Order joke.

They've all been done done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iolfy/theres_no_such_thing_as_a_new_law_and_order_joke/
%
My wife never makes a sound during sex

Especially if I come home early

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iolb0/my_wife_never_makes_a_sound_during_sex/
%
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.

One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iokdo/two_blondes_are_on_opposite_sides_of_a_lake/
%
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim.

When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?"
The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?"
The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned and went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ioi1o/there_was_a_preacher_who_fell_in_the_ocean_and_he/
%
Chinese takeout: 13.99 gas to get there: 3.99

Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: riceless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iogp8/chinese_takeout_1399_gas_to_get_there_399/
%
I like my women like I like my whiskey.

Eighteen years old and mixed up with coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iogor/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
%
An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”
The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, “I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”
While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the man rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the girl and her mother watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and they watched some more as the numbers began to light in reverse order.
The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.
The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, “Go get your father.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iobgn/an_amish_girl_and_her_mother_were_visiting_a_mall/
%
Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7io8pe/police_officer_can_you_identify_yourself_sir/
%
Yo mama so fat. . .

I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7io6mc/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale...

...sucking in his stomach.  “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7io6fz/a_woman_noticed_her_husband_standing_on_the/
%
2017 Limerick: There once was a man from Nantucket

Who after several credible accusations of sexual harassment was forced to resign from his position of political power

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7io6df/2017_limerick_there_once_was_a_man_from_nantucket/
%
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.

Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7io4z3/little_johnny_is_always_being_teased_by_the_other/
%
Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!

Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.
And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7io3pj/please_stop_hating_on_trump_he_saved_my_friends/
%
Apple is reportedly buying Shazam for some $400m.

Couldn't they just download it from the App Store for free?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7inuss/apple_is_reportedly_buying_shazam_for_some_400m/
%
My date with Leia didn't go well

I just said Alderaan things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7inufd/my_date_with_leia_didnt_go_well/
%
Two gold diggers are sitting in a bar...

The women are scoping out the men looking for their next find when a man walks up to the bar next to then and takes out a diamond-covered wallet.
"Hello there, you seem like a kind and interesting person! I'm Jennifer", she says as she goes in for a handshake.
The man replies "Listen, I know how you women are and you just like me because of my diamond wallet!"
She leans over to him, "No darling! It's what's on the inside that counts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7inta0/two_gold_diggers_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
A sadist marries a masochist.

On their wedding night, the masochist says, beat me. The sadist refuses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7inrf2/a_sadist_marries_a_masochist/
%
Darth Vader knows what Luke is getting for Christmas

Vader: Luke, I know what you will be getting for Christmas.
Luke: How?
Vader: I felt your presents..!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7inp2y/darth_vader_knows_what_luke_is_getting_for/
%
Why is Santa's sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7inolg/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7innmj/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
A man walks into a diner, and orders eggs Benedict with hollandaise sauce, served on a hubcap.

The waiter, perplexed, asks him why. He responds:
“There’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7inksj/a_man_walks_into_a_diner_and_orders_eggs_benedict/
%
What do you call a guy with no shins?

...Neil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ink93/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_shins/
%
Two old rednecks were sitting outside of a gas station...

Between them there was an old hound dog laying on the concrete, licking it's balls.
One redneck was looking at the dog and said "I really wish I could do that!"
The other redneck looks down and says, "Well, you can try, but he'll probably bite ya."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7injvg/two_old_rednecks_were_sitting_outside_of_a_gas/
%
What did one DNA say to the other DNA?

Do these genes make my butt look fat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ini7c/what_did_one_dna_say_to_the_other_dna/
%
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7in34w/whats_the_difference_between_a_bipolar_person_and/
%
How can you tell if your girlfriend is too fat?

She keeps getting picked in spin the bottle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7in2lk/how_can_you_tell_if_your_girlfriend_is_too_fat/
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Policemen: I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a truck.

Man: I know, but she has a great personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7in14a/policemen_im_sorry_sir_but_it_looks_like_your/
%
So a man walks into a bar with a 1-foot-tall well-dressed person behind him

The man pulls an electronic piano out of his pocket and sets it up on the bar, then sets up a tiny little stool. The foot-tall man takes a seat, cracks his knuckles, and begins to tickle the ivories in the most beautiful manner the bartender has ever heard.
As the sweet melodies resounded through the bar, the bartender approaches the patron who brought the pianist and says, "hey, where did you find a guy like that?" The man smiles, pulls out a pill bottle, and replies, "Well, i was going through my Grandpa's old stuff in the attic when I found this pill bottle with a genie inside. That little foot-tall man right there was my first wish. You can have the next one if you want."
The bartender, delighted at his chance at fortune, agreed and took the pill bottle from him. Immediately, he rubs it, and a rather old and wrinkled man with a wispy tail appears in the air. He looks at the bartender and asks for his wish. The bartender says, "I wish for a million bucks!"
The genie claps his hands and says, "a million ducks, coming up!"
At which point, the man sitting at the bar looks at the bartender and says, "DO YOU REALLY THINK I ASKED FOR A TWELVE INCH PIANIST?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7in0dn/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_1foottall/
%
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7imz99/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
Women have been sleeping with me lately like it's going out of style.

Less frequently and with a fair amount of shame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7imx8t/women_have_been_sleeping_with_me_lately_like_its/
%
I gave my seat to a blind person on the bus

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7imwtt/i_gave_my_seat_to_a_blind_person_on_the_bus/
%
A mental health facility offers supervised hobbies for its patients.

They have access to painting, exercise, a small library, cooking, all sorts of stuff.
When they paint, they are often instructed to paint their mood, or something they would like to see or do when they are released. Some paint melancholy things, dark with depressive imagery and muted colors. Others paint idealized scenarios of getting back together with old flames, doing normal things with their families, that sort of stuff.
In exercise, they can use stationary bikes or treadmills, medicine balls, yoga, all the usual things you'd expect - sans metal weights and resistance bands.
The library is lacking, mostly due to little by way of literature being approved as "safe" for the patients to read. Mostly lighthearted stories, YA, educational texts, stuff that would only offend your sensibilities by being a horrible bore.
Cooking is interesting, sort of. They serve the same thing for dinner every single evening:  a casserole. It's rather underwhelming in flavor, but each night a different patient is allowed to make the cheese & herb crumble for it.
What's interesting about that is that, without fail, *every* patient puts the crumble on the very bottom of the casserole, never on top. None seem to have reasoning for it, nor do any of the staff know when it became the norm around there. By the time the food is done cooking, the would-be topping has lost all crispness to it, but, hey ...
That's how the kooky crumble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7imrb5/a_mental_health_facility_offers_supervised/
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As someone with social anxiety, I must say ...

Er, uhm ... Uuuh, I'll send you a text later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7imozg/as_someone_with_social_anxiety_i_must_say/
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The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.

This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC.   A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7imovk/the_supreme_court_ruled_there_cannot_be_a/
%
A tv show about the earth would be really boring

It would just be the same 4 seasons over and over again being rerun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iml5j/a_tv_show_about_the_earth_would_be_really_boring/
%
4 men were standing outside a casino (long)

A Mathematician, an engineer, a stock broker and a gambler were standing outside a casino talking.
Suddenly the gambler walks in and comes out broke a few minutes later. I just didn't have any luck.
That's not how you do it the stock broker remarks, let me show you how it's done. The stock broker walks in and walks out later
carrying half as much money. You need to manage your risks he said to the others.
The engineer scoffed at the results. "Let me show you how it's done". The engineer walks in through the front door and immedietly walks out. He lets the other guys know that the only winning move is to not play.
Finally the mathematician speaks up, "No no no, that is not how you do it. Let me show you how it's done.". Like always the mathematican walks in, and walks out an hour later carrying a huge sack of money.
How did you do that? the engineer asks shocked. To which the mathematician replied:
"Just go to the roulette table and bet -1000 on every square".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7imfzd/4_men_were_standing_outside_a_casino_long/
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I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I've had it up to here with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ime8z/i_hate_jokes_that_rely_on_visual_imagery/
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If a woman runs over a man with her car, who is at fault?

The woman, of course. She shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7imctz/if_a_woman_runs_over_a_man_with_her_car_who_is_at/
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Someone asked me if I’d take a bullet for the last person I had sex with

I mean, obviously, anything for family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7imbsy/someone_asked_me_if_id_take_a_bullet_for_the_last/
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I told Elon Musk a joke about mars...

he said it was terable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7imaes/i_told_elon_musk_a_joke_about_mars/
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My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7im63s/my_instructor_asked_me_can_you_read_that_cars/
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Dad! You can strike out the mountain bike on my wish list for christmas!

Just found a brand new one in the basement!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7im48m/dad_you_can_strike_out_the_mountain_bike_on_my/
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Curing Prostate Cancer

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way, doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
Opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness, ey."
"What's the cure thin, doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "Those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7im2g5/curing_prostate_cancer/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, my basements still dark...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7im1ok/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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My girlfriend came home one day and told me to take off her shirt, so I did.

Then she told me to take off her skirt, so I did. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties, so I did. Then she told me to never wear her things again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7im1oh/my_girlfriend_came_home_one_day_and_told_me_to/
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So it's lunch time on a construction site...

An Italian, Mexican, and an American are sitting on top of a construction building. It's their lunch break so they all get ready to eat and the Italian opens his lunch and says " Pizza! If I get pizza one more day I'm jumping off this building".  The Mexican opens his lunch and it's tacos, and he says " Taco's! If I get tacos one more day I'm jumping all this building".   Then the American opens his lunch and it's a sandwich and, and he says " Another sandwich! If I get a sandwich one more day I'm jumping off this building".
The next day sure enough they all get the same thing, so they all jump and splat Splat Splat right on the sidewalk.
A couple days later at the funeral the Italians wife is crying going " Boo hoo I should have made him pasta!"
The Mexicans wife is crying going " I should have made him a burrito!"
But the Americans wife is laughing...  so everyone starts looking at her like, why are you laughing, your husband just died???  And she goes...
The stupid ass made his own lunch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7im0fl/so_its_lunch_time_on_a_construction_site/
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How do you draw the most realistic fish?

It must be drawn to scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ilwuq/how_do_you_draw_the_most_realistic_fish/
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Why does Santa have his sack so full?

Because he only cums once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ilv4g/why_does_santa_have_his_sack_so_full/
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Two introverts walk into a room...

One leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ilq6b/two_introverts_walk_into_a_room/
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What do you call a kickstarter funded mainly by germans?

Kraut-funding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ilphv/what_do_you_call_a_kickstarter_funded_mainly_by/
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Sometimes I tell dad jokes,

Sometimes he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iljxb/sometimes_i_tell_dad_jokes/
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I made a website for orphans

It doesn't have a home page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ilgef/i_made_a_website_for_orphans/
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A guy was chilling at his beach house...

...when there's a knock at the door.
He answers it, but no one is there.  He notices a small snail on the doormat, picks it up, tosses it in the direction of the beach, and goes back inside.
Four years later, he's chilling at home and there's a knock at the door.  He answers it, but no one is there.  He notices a snail on the doormat, starts to reach for it, and the snail says...
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ilfup/a_guy_was_chilling_at_his_beach_house/
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Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch

Bartender says
“Man if you want punch you have to stand in line.” Guy looks around but there is no punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ilbwx/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_fruit_punch/
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I’ve been told I’m condescending

(That means I talk down to people)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ilbca/ive_been_told_im_condescending/
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I went bobsleighing the other day.

Killed around 250 bobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ila7v/i_went_bobsleighing_the_other_day/
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How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.
But how the hell did they get in there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ila6p/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Is it one or two? One..... or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ila10/how_many_opticians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over...

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”
“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”
“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”
“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7il1th/jims_car_is_swerving_all_over_the_road_so_a_cop/
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In the Alabama senatorial race next week, Roy Moore is either going to win...

...or he's going to come in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7il12u/in_the_alabama_senatorial_race_next_week_roy/
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If you cut your left hand........

Then only your right hand will be left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ikv52/if_you_cut_your_left_hand/
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How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat?

If she fits in your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ikuv5/how_can_you_tell_if_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
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A Jew meets the Pope

A Jew applied for an audience with the Pope. After insistently waiting for three days and refusing to budge before an audience with the pontiff, he was finally granted one...
'Your Holiness, I come from a long line of cooks', said the Jew.
'That's very nice', said the Pope. 'What can I do for you?'
'My father was a cook too. So was my grandfather', said the Jew.
'I gather', said an increasingly bored pontiff.
'In fact, my ancestors have been cooks for over 2000 years', the Jew kept pressing.
At his wit's end, the pontiff replied,  'You have been on and on about this since you walked in... What can I do about that and how can I help you, young man?'
'Your Holiness', said the Jew, 'the last supper hasn't been paid for...'
😀

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iktel/a_jew_meets_the_pope/
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I lost my watch in a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I went over there, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iks79/i_lost_my_watch_in_a_party_once/
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If jesus died for our sins...

Who’s gonna die for our cos and tan?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ikqp4/if_jesus_died_for_our_sins/
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I used to date someone with a lazy eye.

It didn't work out, turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ikp7v/i_used_to_date_someone_with_a_lazy_eye/
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A chicken and an egg lay in bed smoking cigarettes.

The egg says, "well, that answers that old question."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ikndi/a_chicken_and_an_egg_lay_in_bed_smoking_cigarettes/
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Why is acne better than a Catholic priest?

Acne waits till the kid turns 14 to come on his face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ikmwo/why_is_acne_better_than_a_catholic_priest/
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The woman

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, “Mummy, what is that long thing?”
His mother replies, “That, son, is the elephant’s trunk.”
“No, at the other end.”
“That, son is the tail.”
“No, mummy, the thing under the elephant.”
A short embarrassed silence after which she replies,”That’s nothing.”
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question. “Daddy, what is that long thing?”
“That’s the trunk, son,” replies the father.
“No at the other end.”
“Oh, that is the tail.”
“No, no daddy, the thing below,” asks the son in esperation.
“That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?”
“Well mummy said it was nothing,” says the boy.
Replies the father: “I tell you, I spoil that woman …”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ikjzw/the_woman/
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A man was getting married but got cold feet at the last minute...

The next morning he went to work and his co-workers asked "so how'd the wedding go"
He replied "oh, it went off without a hitch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ikjkx/a_man_was_getting_married_but_got_cold_feet_at/
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How do you stop a Bingo game in Japan?

Call in B-29.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ikhzf/how_do_you_stop_a_bingo_game_in_japan/
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What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch?

Tip him for the pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ikftp/whats_the_quickest_way_to_get_a_musician_off_your/
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A guy is visiting a museum of natural history.

He's examining some fossils when he asks a curator how old they are.
"Those fossils are 65 million years and six months old." The curator says. The man asks the curator how he can know the age of the fossils so precisely.
"Because they were 65 million years old when I started here six months ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ikbbf/a_guy_is_visiting_a_museum_of_natural_history/
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Before the election, I told myself that I would leave the country if Trump got elected.

Well, I did it, and it only took 11 months for the immigration officials to find me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ik773/before_the_election_i_told_myself_that_i_would/
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I met a guy who was able to make doors out of anything

Everything was a-door-able to him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ijzhd/i_met_a_guy_who_was_able_to_make_doors_out_of/
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Grammar...

The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ijwdi/grammar/
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Everyone criticizes Putin's Russia...

But look at Putin's America!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ijw8u/everyone_criticizes_putins_russia/
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My first joke post on Reddit, also my favorite joke.

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ijvhx/my_first_joke_post_on_reddit_also_my_favorite_joke/
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Why do marxists only drink tea made with tea bags?

Because proper tea is theft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ijuvu/why_do_marxists_only_drink_tea_made_with_tea_bags/
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My girlfriend threatened to break up with me because of my obsession with the monkees

At first I thought she was joking, but then I saw her face....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iju0e/my_girlfriend_threatened_to_break_up_with_me/
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Gorilla Removal

" A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot that dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ijrt5/gorilla_removal/
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This guy wants to open a new, modern art gallery in town. . .

This guy wants to open a new, modern art gallery in town, so he takes out a loan at the bank, rents a building and sets out to find three artists to help him make his first exhibition.
The first artist he finds is a well-known minimalist in town. he's honored to take on some new work and agrees. The second artist is... eh, okay. He just graduated art school and is getting started. He's excited at the prospect to build his portfolio and create some cool, new works. The third guy is pretty well-known around town. His art is okay. he's done a few minor sculptures etc. He agrees begrudgingly to do some paintings for the exhibit.
Each artist has 6 months to pull together 8-15 pieces that really embody the idea of minimalism for this guy. The first guy gets to work right away and paints 10 paintings that are all simple lines and shapes. he's ridiculously excited to share his work.
The second guy thinks he'll do some sculptures. He harvests clay from around the river and makes some very interesting pieces that show off lines and form. He's pretty excited at the end of the 6 months to show off his work.
The third guy, though. He's spent the entire 6 months pretty much stewing about the art gallery's "vision". He recently took some classes on classical painting and thinks this gallery will benefit from some "real" art. Taking inspiration from churches all over the world, he's created 8 large, gold-framed portraits of angels, devils, St. Peter the whole works. he's poured his whole soul into these works and really, anyone that saw them would admit they are gorgeous.
So, the three artists and the gallery owner meet up the day before the gallery opens to show their work. The gallery owner loves the first guy's work. "I have just the place for these," he says and gives them a place of honor as you walk into the gallery.
The second artist sheepishly removes the covering from his sculptures, thinking they're no match for the first guy's work, but the gallery owner is just blown away. "wow, I have just the place for these," he says. He puts them in a courtyard with natural light so they can be appreciated.
The third guy is still hung over from his bender. He grumpily removes the coverings on his paintings. All huge, gold and just, busy paintings. The owner is in shock. This isn't what he asked for at all. Were those cherubs? Angels? Devils? Is that a monk? He stammers for a moment, "Uh... I'm sorry... uh.. this.." He steels his backbone. "This isn't what I asked for at all. I can't put this in my gallery. I'm sorry. I'll still pay you, but this is better suited for the museum way in the other town or something."
The third artist is furious! He put months of work into these paintings. He storms off with a "Fine! Throw them away for all I care!"
The gallery owner and the other two artists are befuddled. What can we do with these huge ornate paintings that are far too gaudy to hang in a modern art museum? The gallery owner finally says "what if we used the canvases and just sort of fixed them. We can paint over them. Then your work won't look like they're in a barren warehouse."
The first artist looks at the paintings and says "I'm sorry. I cannot paint over another artist's work. Let's just donate them and push the opening off until next week. We can make new paintings."
The second artist says "Well. I can give it a try." The first artist looks incredulously at him. "You would paint over someone's blood, sweat, and tears to make a name for yourself?!" and leaves.
The gallery owner is relieved. He leaves the second artist to fix the paintings.
Well, that artist stayed up all night, in a flurry of paints and thinners, he's managed to fix most of the paintings so they'll match the theme. As he's working, after far too much coffee and no sleep whatsoever, he looks over at the first artist's work and thinks "What if I 'fixed' that one too. It sure would like great for me if I had more paintings in the gallery. people would be really impressed with me!" His sleep-deprived brain thinks this is a good idea.
As his brush is ready to touch the canvas of the first artist, the gallery owner comes bursting in, yelling "No, no no! If it ain't baroque, don't fix it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ijrpc/this_guy_wants_to_open_a_new_modern_art_gallery/
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A young guy says to the hotel receptionist, "I'd like a single room, please."

"Certainly, sir. With a bath or shower?"
The guy is a bit short of cash, so he asks, "What's the difference?"
She answers, "You have to stand in the shower."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ijp2o/a_young_guy_says_to_the_hotel_receptionist_id/
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During World War II...

...Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as they could then say to them, “In 9 months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!”
So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He then said to her, “In 9 months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!”
She replied, “In a few weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ijnj7/during_world_war_ii/
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My religious studies professor assigned an essay about the last days of Christ.

I totally nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ijlf0/my_religious_studies_professor_assigned_an_essay/
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How big is a paedophile's closet?

It's pretty spacey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ijgym/how_big_is_a_paedophiles_closet/
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You'd think a snail would be faster without it's shell,

But it's actually more sluggish...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ijflp/youd_think_a_snail_would_be_faster_without_its/
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In just over two years we will finally see how much we've fucked up...

Hindsight is always 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ijbgh/in_just_over_two_years_we_will_finally_see_how/
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Why don't airplanes have a 'reverse' drive?

No one wants a receding airline...
I have no idea if airplanes can actually travel in reverse, just go with me folks ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ij5fn/why_dont_airplanes_have_a_reverse_drive/
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TIL during the shooting of "Who framed Roger Rabbit?", Porky Pig was accused of sexually harassing Tinkerbell

On contacting Porky Pig, he replied "Th- Th- Th- That's all Hoax!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ij5db/til_during_the_shooting_of_who_framed_roger/
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Welcome to the plastic surgery addiction support group

I see a lot of new faces around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ij4cu/welcome_to_the_plastic_surgery_addiction_support/
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A man was walking down a dark street...

A man was walking down a dark street, suddenly he heard a thump behind him. It was an open coffin.
The man started running, frantically trying to get away from the coffin, still it kept coming.
He ran to his car got in and sped off. Thinking he was safe, he ran into his house and locked the door. The coffin burst through the door, sending splinters flying everywhere.
The man runs into the bathroom, trying his best to find a weapon, the only hope left for him was whatever he could find.
He checked everywhere, in the bath, in the sink, under the sink. Finally he checked in the cupboard and found cough syrup.
The coffin with a loud thud jumped through the door, and the man, with one last plea held the cough syrup up to the coffin.
To his surprise there was no more noise, no more fear.
The coughin’ had stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ij40a/a_man_was_walking_down_a_dark_street/
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Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners?

Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ij19h/why_do_hockey_rinks_have_rounded_corners/
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I saw my dad icing his hip today and asked him what was wrong...

He said "Nothing, I've just always wanted to be a cool hip dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ij0v5/i_saw_my_dad_icing_his_hip_today_and_asked_him/
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A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds, coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still." Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up." Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. "No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes, please!" said the man. God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey Mohammed, two coffees!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ij0v0/a_muslim_dies_and_finds_himself_before_the_pearly/
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I told the pizza guy to write a joke on the box

He delivered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iiye5/i_told_the_pizza_guy_to_write_a_joke_on_the_box/
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I’m really tired...

I had a dream I was a car muffler and I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iim9y/im_really_tired/
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Did you hear about the snake that couldn't get up?

The doctor said he had ereptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iij2x/did_you_hear_about_the_snake_that_couldnt_get_up/
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How did it happen?”

the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.
“Well, doc, 25 years ago… ”
“Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”
“Like I was saying… 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, “No, everything is fine.”
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“I’m sure,” I said.
“Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know.
“I reckon not,” I replied.
“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?”
“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iihsi/how_did_it_happen/
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I'm surprised there aren't more far-righters who acknowledge global warming

I heard it means there'll be fewer snowflakes around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iifh1/im_surprised_there_arent_more_farrighters_who/
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I just re-watched American Beauty today...

Kevin Spacey plays one hell of a Kevin Spacey in that movie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iic7z/i_just_rewatched_american_beauty_today/
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Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

Because all the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iibyh/why_are_redneck_murders_so_hard_to_solve/
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What is E.T. short for?

He has really small legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iiaes/what_is_et_short_for/
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How is global warming reducing terrorism?

The ISIS melting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ii74b/how_is_global_warming_reducing_terrorism/
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I just found out what the F.C.C stands for

Fuck Consumers Continuously

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ii5me/i_just_found_out_what_the_fcc_stands_for/
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In the UK, United States Vice President’s opinion isn’t worth much

It’s only a pence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ii3i5/in_the_uk_united_states_vice_presidents_opinion/
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Why are women moody during PMS?

Because they're ovary acting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ii1e4/why_are_women_moody_during_pms/
%
I drink to forget my problems

Which used to work fine, but recently I've developed a drinking problem...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ii18l/i_drink_to_forget_my_problems/
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How do you make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ii0r7/how_do_you_make_an_octopus_laugh/
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Christmas Carol not to be sung in Southern California...

Oh the weather outside is frightful...
But the fire is so delightful...
And since you have no place to go....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ihyvd/christmas_carol_not_to_be_sung_in_southern/
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My wife has an odd way of starting conversations ...

She always begins by saying, "Hey, are you even listening?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ihmgt/my_wife_has_an_odd_way_of_starting_conversations/
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Women Origin Story

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ihl8u/women_origin_story/
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It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ihk1c/it_was_so_cold_in_dc_today/
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What is the fastest way to get in touch with your inner self?

Cheap toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ihfts/what_is_the_fastest_way_to_get_in_touch_with_your/
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Do you know what always catches my eye?

Short people with umbrellas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ihf38/do_you_know_what_always_catches_my_eye/
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Joke from my daughter

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Her: To get to the ugly guy's house.
Me:???
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: It's the chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ihbi8/joke_from_my_daughter/
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A boy is fucking his sister.

"You're way better than dad," she tells him.
"Yeah that's what mom said."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ihbgc/a_boy_is_fucking_his_sister/
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The Adjutant

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”
”Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…..”
At that point, the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ih99x/the_adjutant/
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"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college."
"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ih7f6/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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I surveyed 100 women about their favourite shampoo.

The most popular reply was “how the fuck did you get in my house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ih6tw/i_surveyed_100_women_about_their_favourite_shampoo/
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My new dog, Minton, just ate all my shuttlecocks

Bad Minton!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ih6tu/my_new_dog_minton_just_ate_all_my_shuttlecocks/
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Why does no one date the null hypothesis?

Because she's a H0.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ih2zm/why_does_no_one_date_the_null_hypothesis/
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A pun, a limerick, and a spoonerism walk into a bar...

... no joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igzoo/a_pun_a_limerick_and_a_spoonerism_walk_into_a_bar/
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My mom thinks I'm hilarious, so

I'm just posting this here to finally prove that woman wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igyej/my_mom_thinks_im_hilarious_so/
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An american goes to britian shortly after the revolutionary war

While walking through the streets, he got looks of disgust, rude comments, or no attention at all. Eventually, one family kindly invites the man over to dinner.They start eating and talking, but the american says he has to use the bathroom. He asks where the bathroom is to go and do his business. When he walks into the bathroom, there are no decorations other than a painting of George Washington. He thinks nothing of it, does his business, and goes back to dinner. The family members all giggled for a while, until one of them says "what did you think of the painting of George Washington?". The american said it was lovely. "what did you think of the placement?", said another. "I thought it was quite practical actually". The family was bewildered by the fact that he was not offended by it. "how was it practical?", they all said. The american said, "Nothing will make a british man shit himself faster than seeing George Washington!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igycj/an_american_goes_to_britian_shortly_after_the/
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What do you call a fish that eats ass?

A bottom feeder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igxqr/what_do_you_call_a_fish_that_eats_ass/
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How do you blind an Asian?

Put a windshield in front of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igqox/how_do_you_blind_an_asian/
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Phillope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igqlf/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
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A man was in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask

The new nurse was doing a partial sponge bath and she heard the man say something from behind the mask:
" are my testicles back?"
Slightly embarrassed she replied "I dont know sir, Im only here to wash your upper body and feet"
The man struggles to ask again "are my testicles back?"
She's worried that if he stresses too much it will raise his blood pressure too high. She puts aside her embarrassment and pulls down his covers. She holds his manhood and moves it from left to right closely checking each testicle.
After doing this she covers him back up and say "everything looks good down here sir"
The man slowly reached for his oxygen mask and pulls it off "Thank you very much for that it was wonderful" he said with a smile
"Now listen very closely. Are - My - Test- Results - Back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igpn6/a_man_was_in_the_hospital_wearing_an_oxygen_mask/
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Why couldn’t the robot pirate acknowledge his crew?

He was waiting on an “aye” patch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igpka/why_couldnt_the_robot_pirate_acknowledge_his_crew/
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years

And then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igoqd/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_20_years/
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What do you call a group of security guards outside a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ignpp/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_security_guards/
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I lost my watch in a party once...

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over there, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igmkd/i_lost_my_watch_in_a_party_once/
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A careless hunter accidentally shot my atheist friend in the side with a shotgun.

The near-death experience made him a holier man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iglt6/a_careless_hunter_accidentally_shot_my_atheist/
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Why do police officers frequent glory holes?

To receive anonymous tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igllw/why_do_police_officers_frequent_glory_holes/
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What do you call a lesbian with long nails?

Single.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igito/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_with_long_nails/
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At the Doctor’s Office

Was at the doctor’s office to get a check up this morning:
*doctor pulls out needle for shot*
Me: “Oh boy, needles make me a little nervous. I’m not gonna look.”
Doctor: “That’s okay. I won’t either.”
Then he gave me the shot before I had the chance to chuckle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igiaq/at_the_doctors_office/
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TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than Mount Everest

Kinda obvious, considering Mount Everest can't fly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igfxp/til_bumblebees_can_fly_higher_than_mount_everest/
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My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No -- wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igfr9/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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A man joins an order of Monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say, brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgment and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgment.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igf64/a_man_joins_an_order_of_monks/
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How do you treat a sunburn in Hawaii?

With Aloe-ha Vera!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igcyy/how_do_you_treat_a_sunburn_in_hawaii/
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Me and my wife were having an argument about which family we will spend Christmas Day with...

I’m sure many couples can relate. I want to spend it with mine and she obviously wants to spend it with hers. It led to a big argument where she yelled, “You like your family way more, you hate my relatives”
I replied, “That’s not true, I like your mother in law way more than mine”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igbuy/me_and_my_wife_were_having_an_argument_about/
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What do christmas trees and the Pope have in common?

The balls are only for decorative purposes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igb98/what_do_christmas_trees_and_the_pope_have_in/
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Two kids decided they were gonna start cussing

The older one says I'll say hell, you say ass.
They practice a little then go down for breakfast.
Mom asks what they want, first one says "ah hell, gimme cheerios"
Mom heard this and wack! Smacked across the face and sent to his room.
Then she asks the younger one what he wanted to eat. He replied, "you can bet your ass i don't want cheerios"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igb81/two_kids_decided_they_were_gonna_start_cussing/
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I'm going to cover my whole body in gift-wrap.

Then I can say I'm truly living in the present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7igag7/im_going_to_cover_my_whole_body_in_giftwrap/
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A lady was accused of slapping the buttocks of Dwayne Johnson

She hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ig6vt/a_lady_was_accused_of_slapping_the_buttocks_of/
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A guy is late for an important meeting...

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ig2il/a_guy_is_late_for_an_important_meeting/
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What do you call a grasshopper that forgot the words to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas?"

A "hum" bug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ig23c/what_do_you_call_a_grasshopper_that_forgot_the/
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Roy Moore likes his women the same way he likes his constitutional amendments...

12 and Under

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ig22x/roy_moore_likes_his_women_the_same_way_he_likes/
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A woman walks into a library and asks the librarian if she has any books on paranoia

“They’re right behind you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ig1ci/a_woman_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_the/
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Laws

-Have you heard of Murphy’s law?
-Yes, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
-What about Cole’s Law?
-No, what is it?
-Thinly sliced cabbage drizzled with mayonnaise and sour cream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ig0rg/laws/
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The difference between cats and dogs comes down to grammar...

Dogs think “you’re god”, whereas cats think “your god”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ig039/the_difference_between_cats_and_dogs_comes_down/
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After 20 years of marriage... my wife still fucks like a star...

fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ifzhg/after_20_years_of_marriage_my_wife_still_fucks/
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Did you hear about the over excited cannibal?

He threw up his hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ify44/did_you_hear_about_the_over_excited_cannibal/
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The Little Magic Frog [Long]

One day I'm out golfing and find myself stuck in a sand trap, when I hear a high pitch voice telling me to use my 5 iron. I look around and I don't see anyone nearby. I use my 5 iron and get an eagle! I then spot a little frog that tells me it is a magic frog and everything it says is the best thing to do. I tell it were going to Vegas! I win half a million dollars that night by listening  to that frog. By the end of the night I tell the frog I'm going to sleep, it convinces me to let it sleep in my room after all the help it gave me. I start to draw a bath for the frog when it tells me it wants to sleep in my bed, I try to decline but it is persistent. I lay the frog on the pillow next to me when it asks for a kiss goodnight, I'm too tired to argue so I oblige. THEN BAM! The frog turns into a 16 year old girl! I know it's very hard to believe your honor, but it's the truth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ifxrw/the_little_magic_frog_long/
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A Postman is waiting in line to use the ATM

A postman is waiting in line to use the ATM, a tall man was standing in front of him.
The Postman takes off his glove, presses his index finger in the mans ear and loudly says "BOOP"
The man turns around, stares down the postman, and turns back around.
The postman did it again, "Boop"
The man, now getting angry, said "Here you do that again ima fucking do you in"
The postman did it again, "Boop"
The man then swings himself around and launched his knee into the postmans genitals. To which the postman starts to laugh.
The man asks, "Why are you laughing? Did that not hurt?"
The postman replies, "i'm an alien from another world, I do not have the same male genitalia as you do"
The man, now intrigued, says "But, if you have no genitals, how do you have sex?"
The postman puts his index finger into the mans ears and says "Boop".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ifxjq/a_postman_is_waiting_in_line_to_use_the_atm/
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I made a website for orphans..

It doesn’t have a home page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ifw22/i_made_a_website_for_orphans/
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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ifvjh/my_wife_just_gave_birth_today_and_after_thanking/
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How do you spell bubble?

B.I.T.C.O.I.N.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ifv17/how_do_you_spell_bubble/
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Are you a fan of King Tut?

Me too!  Well, at least we have Tutankhamen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ifpv7/are_you_a_fan_of_king_tut/
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I was trying the figure out how lightning works.

Then it struck me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ifoxt/i_was_trying_the_figure_out_how_lightning_works/
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I wake up at 6AM everyday

In someone else's time zone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ifo9g/i_wake_up_at_6am_everyday/
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I called my friend a twat for stealing from gardens.

I hope he doesn't take a fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ifj8f/i_called_my_friend_a_twat_for_stealing_from/
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Why do women have legs?

Have you seen the mess that snails make?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ifdsq/why_do_women_have_legs/
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The blonde and the crocodile.

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up...
"I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7if6v1/the_blonde_and_the_crocodile/
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Three co-workers stopped for a drink after work on Christmas Eve

One drink led to another, and they progressed to some serious partying. Later in the evening, they were on their way to another spot when their drunken driver crashed the car, killing them instantly.
The three find themselves in front of the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. He tells them, "Normally we do a pretty thorough background check, but we're short staffed due to the holiday, so there's a special deal right now. Show some proof that you were celebrating Christmas, and you get into Heaven."
One guy goes through his pockets, pulls out his lighter, flicks it and says, "There you go, a Christmas Candle."
St. Peter says, "What the hell, it's Christmas. Go on in."
The second guy pulls out his keys, jingles them, and says, "Christmas bells."
St. Peter says, "Fine, whatever. You're in."
The third guy goes through his pockets and finally pulls out a pair of skimpy women's panties.
"There you go. Can I go in?"
St. Peter says, "I'm willing to stretch the rules a bit, but what on earth does a pair of panties have to do with Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7if5iu/three_coworkers_stopped_for_a_drink_after_work_on/
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I met this vegetarian and she looks very familiar

Seems like I met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7if5ip/i_met_this_vegetarian_and_she_looks_very_familiar/
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Why doesn’t Michael Flynn wear glasses?

Because he has Russian contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7if18t/why_doesnt_michael_flynn_wear_glasses/
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Why does Roy Moore's penis get so cold? (NSFW)?

'Cause it's in the 'teens right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iewr9/why_does_roy_moores_penis_get_so_cold_nsfw/
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She said "should I invite my mum down for Christmas?"

"No, leave her in the attic", I replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ieqr0/she_said_should_i_invite_my_mum_down_for_christmas/
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How do you get a Leper out of a bath?

With a sieve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ieqde/how_do_you_get_a_leper_out_of_a_bath/
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A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ieoji/a_boy_asked_his_bitcoininvesting_dad/
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I can usually tell if I’m going to have sex with someone by what shoes they are wearing.

Pumps and high heels yes, running shoes no- she will probably get away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ien38/i_can_usually_tell_if_im_going_to_have_sex_with/
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What do you call a mix between an elephant, a rhinoceros, and a hippo?

Hell if I know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iekla/what_do_you_call_a_mix_between_an_elephant_a/
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What do you get if you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?

Someone who stays up late at night wondering if there is a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iek9o/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_an_insomniac_a/
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A human, an elf and a dwarf walk into a bar...

The Hobbit laughs and walks under it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iek2r/a_human_an_elf_and_a_dwarf_walk_into_a_bar/
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Diarrhea is a hereditary

It runs in your jeans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iejzs/diarrhea_is_a_hereditary/
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A manager has two great employees...

A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds later, Jill storms out of there and slams the door behind her.
Jack walks in and says "I guess you decided to let her go?"
Boss man has a bewildered look on his face and says "I never even got the chance to! All I said was 'I'm trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iej9v/a_manager_has_two_great_employees/
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I used to be a member of the secret cooking society...

They kicked me out for spilling the beans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iei10/i_used_to_be_a_member_of_the_secret_cooking/
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When you say the word “poop,” your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same applies for “explosive diarrhea.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ie6cs/when_you_say_the_word_poop_your_mouth_moves_the/
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There was a brawl at the orchestra today.

Lots of violin-ce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ie5zh/there_was_a_brawl_at_the_orchestra_today/
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The shortest person I've ever met was the divorced mother of a physicist

She was a single μm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ie2a5/the_shortest_person_ive_ever_met_was_the_divorced/
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Just walked past a sign that read, "This fire door is alarmed"...

So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ie0ot/just_walked_past_a_sign_that_read_this_fire_door/
%
I want to debate flat earthers...

I just haven't come around to it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ie0ma/i_want_to_debate_flat_earthers/
%
Blind Man

A woman is taking a shower when there’s a knock at her door. The person calls out “blind man”. The woman figures the man can’t see her in the nude, so she steps out of the shower and walks to the door. The man is greeted by quite the surprise and takes pleasure in looking at the woman from top to bottom. To her shock, the man can see perfectly and after a few moments, asks her where he can put up her new window blinds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ie0du/blind_man/
%
What is 68....?

A pre position!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7idz6b/what_is_68/
%
Why are circles so versatile?

They are well rounded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7idyky/why_are_circles_so_versatile/
%
A sexy girl with no arms and no legs goes to the pool...

She was laying on her towel getting a tan when a stud of a lifeguard walks by, they immediately catch each other's attention...
The girl says to the lifeguard, "I've never been hugged by a guy like you before..."
The lifeguard then picks her up and hugs her.
Then the young lady says, "I've never been kissed by someone as handsome as you..."
The lifeguard picks her up and kisses her.
Then the girl says, "I've never been fucked by someone with such a muscular figure before..."
The lifeguard picks her up, throws her in the pool and says, "Now you're fucked."
Heard this one when I was 13 I think...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7idwze/a_sexy_girl_with_no_arms_and_no_legs_goes_to_the/
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As politically incorrect as it is to admit, there is a difference between men and women.

A vast deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7idwi6/as_politically_incorrect_as_it_is_to_admit_there/
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What’s EA’s favourite E-sport?

Lootboxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7idvef/whats_eas_favourite_esport/
%
A guy goes to a job interview.

At the end of the interview the boss says:
-We will hire you, but you will start at the minimum salary. Later on it will increase.
The guy replied:
-Ok! Then I guess I'll see you later!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iduio/a_guy_goes_to_a_job_interview/
%
My three favourite things

My 3 favourite things are eating my family and not using commas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7idtmf/my_three_favourite_things/
%
So there was a shopkeeper who didn't liked Chinese

One day a Chinese man came to him and asked:
-I want buy dog food.
-I won't sell you dog food unless you come with dog.
-But I not want to come to shop with a dog.
Later he came with his dog and got his dog food.
The next day he came again and said:
-I want buy cat food.
-I won't sell you cat food unless you come with a cat.
-But I not want to come to shop with cat.
Later he came with his cat and got his cat food.
The next day he came with a paper bag:
-Put hand inside.
-Why?
-Just put hand inside.
-OK.
-Warm?
-Yes.
-Soft?
-Yes.
-I want buy toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7idnng/so_there_was_a_shopkeeper_who_didnt_liked_chinese/
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I don't mean to sound heterophobic

But straight men are fucking cunts and straight women are fucking dicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7idk6n/i_dont_mean_to_sound_heterophobic/
%
I am never recommending anyone Colgate Whitening toothpaste ever again...

I have been using it for two weeks and I’m still Indian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7idfbe/i_am_never_recommending_anyone_colgate_whitening/
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My girlfriend said I ruined her birthday...

but that's not possible, I don't even know when it is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7idep6/my_girlfriend_said_i_ruined_her_birthday/
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What do you call a bakery that only sells bagels and donuts?

*hole foods*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iddn6/what_do_you_call_a_bakery_that_only_sells_bagels/
%
BREAKING NEWS: SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A MAN WITH 5 PENISES

So far the only thing they have been able to determine is that his pants fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7idbvn/breaking_news_scientists_have_discovered_a_man/
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A man once bought himself a parrot, but immediately found it to be quite rude

. It would shout profanities at him, crap all over the house, and insult all his houseguests.
At first, he tried ignoring it, thinking the bird would stop. "You're fuckin stupid, mate," the parrot would say, "the silent treatment ain't doin nuffin." So, the man finally yelled at the bird. The bird continued its onslaught. "Your insults are pathetic, just like your job and lack of sex life."
The man had had enough. He took the bird and stuffed it in the freezer. It squawked and cursed for a while, but then it all stopped. Fearing he'd just killed his bird, the man opened the door.
The parrot walked out solemnly, and, to the owner's surprise said "I will change my behaviour. I was wrong, and seek to change." The owner picked up the bird and smiled. It then asked "Pardon me for asking, but what did the turkey do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7id7v0/a_man_once_bought_himself_a_parrot_but/
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I’m returning my microwave to Amazon.

It’s been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7id340/im_returning_my_microwave_to_amazon/
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Secret Service no longer yells “Get down, Mr President” any more when the President is under attack

Now they yell “Donald, duck”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iczh6/secret_service_no_longer_yells_get_down_mr/
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Are you made of gold, titanium, sulfur, and carbon?

Because you're AuTiSTiC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iczbn/are_you_made_of_gold_titanium_sulfur_and_carbon/
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[Long] So a guy goes to Spain to watch a bullfight.

After the bullfight he goes to a restaurant across the street and notice one guy eating a plate with two large balls of meat on it.
"What's that?" He asks the waiter.
"Those are the testicles of the bull that died in the arena today. Eating them is said to give you the virility and vitality of a young man."
Interested, the man pays a hefty sum to reserve the testicles from tommorrow fight for himself. When he arrives to eat them he notices that they are considerably smaller than the ones he saw yesterday.
"Was it a small bull that died today?" The man asks the waiter.
"No senior, the bull won."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7icy0d/long_so_a_guy_goes_to_spain_to_watch_a_bullfight/
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St. Peter's Gate

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, and St. Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”
The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off.
So I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell—but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said St. Peter, and he let the man in.
The second man comes up and St. Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. “It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved! But then he started beating on me and kicking me. I managed to hold on until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but okay. Just when I was thinking I was going to be all right, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me, killing me instantly. And, now I’m here.”
Once again, St. Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. St. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
“OK, picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7icy08/st_peters_gate/
%
Nostalgia

Isn’t what it used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7icxve/nostalgia/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7icx65/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Ajit Pai is shopping in a grocery store...

Ajit Pai is shopping in a grocery store when he notices a produce clerk eyeing him. He goes about his shopping, albeit a bit unnerved by the clerk’s hungry eyes.
Ajit turns down another aisle and sees the guy at the deli counter scoping him out like a lion would look at a wounded wildebeest. Certain there is something amiss, Ajit decides to pay up and leave.
Ajit gets to the check stand and places his groceries on the conveyer belt. The checker makes meaningful eye contact with Ajit, and says “With teeth that size, you must have a real roomy mouth.” The checker unzips his pants and is on Ajit before he can resist.
Ajit is struggling, when the produce guy and the deli counter guy descend upon him as well. Each teams up to begin mercilessly gang raping Ajit, whose cries are muffled only by the checker’s penis and his enormous teeth.
Suddenly, Ajit sees a police officer. “Help!” cries Ajit, between the relentless thrusts of the checker’s hips to his mouth. “Police —mmph— mmph— help!”
The police officer takes stock of the situation. He shrugs and says “I wouldn’t want the government to impose on this situation. I trust the market to sort this out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7icwjd/ajit_pai_is_shopping_in_a_grocery_store/
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There are two types of people in this world...

1. Those who can extrapolate information from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7icsrf/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Why do sorority girls always travel in odd numbers?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7icq8a/why_do_sorority_girls_always_travel_in_odd_numbers/
%
How do Gorons take their bourbon?

On the rocks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7icouq/how_do_gorons_take_their_bourbon/
%
Wife texts husband on cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ic8rj/wife_texts_husband_on_cold_winter_morning_windows/
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Why did Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ic7st/why_did_star_wars_movies_come_out_in_the_sequence/
%
Someone once told me Trump was the president of Canada also...

I don't think that's Trudeau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ic4nq/someone_once_told_me_trump_was_the_president_of/
%
What do you call smuggled cocaine?

Buttcrack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ic4ma/what_do_you_call_smuggled_cocaine/
%
Father walks in on his son wanking.

Father says , Son you can go blind doing that.
Son says, Dad I am over here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ic2m7/father_walks_in_on_his_son_wanking/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One turns to the other and says, “Man, I can’t believe i blew thirty bucks in there.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ibzt9/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
Kids are like farts

Because they might turn into little shits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ibzhb/kids_are_like_farts/
%
Saying “I’m sorry” and “My bad” mean the same thing

except at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iby5r/saying_im_sorry_and_my_bad_mean_the_same_thing/
%
Insulted on the Bus

A woman gets on the bus, and as she is paying for her ticket, the bus driver tells her, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Maddened, she walks away. She tells the man that she sits down next to, "Wow, I was just insulted by the bus driver!" The man said, "You shouldn't have to deal with that! Go give him a piece of your mind. I'll hold your monkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ibw34/insulted_on_the_bus/
%
What's the difference between a flying mammal in sunglasses and a mouse in disguise?

One's a rad bat, the other's a bad rat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ibvu6/whats_the_difference_between_a_flying_mammal_in/
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A girl is fucking her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises
goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ibvgg/a_girl_is_fucking_her_boyfriend/
%
A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ibu55/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table/
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For some people, alcohol loosens their tongue; others

Their butthole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ibt15/for_some_people_alcohol_loosens_their_tongue/
%
I don't like eating weirdly named foods

I always Falafel afterwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ibs3c/i_dont_like_eating_weirdly_named_foods/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender

I’d have two dollars and a whole lotta counterfeits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ibm20/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ibdlv/how_did_the_germans_conquer_poland_so_fast/
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Doctors don't want you to know the real #1 cause of dry skin:

Towels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ibaiu/doctors_dont_want_you_to_know_the_real_1_cause_of/
%
Today at work we had a talk about sexual harassment

Personally I thought it was a bit of a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ib9jx/today_at_work_we_had_a_talk_about_sexual/
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What is the only trigonometric function with sexual assault allegations against it?

cos(b)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ib70n/what_is_the_only_trigonometric_function_with/
%
Did you hear about the explosion in the care home for deaf people?

Neither did they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ib6fy/did_you_hear_about_the_explosion_in_the_care_home/
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Don’t hate Ajit Pai...

... he just wants to give us a sense of pride and accomplishment with our internet bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ib0ya/dont_hate_ajit_pai/
%
A hen walks into a library

Walks up to the librarian and says “book”, the librarian looks a little confused but gets a book and gives to the hen, who tucks it under her wing and then walks out.
The hen comes back in the next day, walks up to the librarian and goes “book book book” the librarian is amazed and hands over the books to the hen who puts them under her wings and walks out.
The next day the hen comes in and goes “book book book book book” the librarian is flabbergasted  and thinks “no one has ever reads books this quickly” hands the books to the hen and then follows it out when it leaves.
The librarian follows the hen to a house and when she peered through the keyhole, sees the hen handing the books to an ill frog, who looks at the books and says “read it, read it, read it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iaynh/a_hen_walks_into_a_library/
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Man, the Winter Olympics are gonna be slow this year.

Because no one will be Russian.
[x-post from r/punny]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iaya3/man_the_winter_olympics_are_gonna_be_slow_this/
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Why was the Australian that lost his shoes so depressed

He couldn't find his sole, mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iamzl/why_was_the_australian_that_lost_his_shoes_so/
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Bigamy is having one wife too many

Some say monogamy is the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iag11/bigamy_is_having_one_wife_too_many/
%
I see Trump as a modern Karl Marx

Have you heard him talk about seizing the means of reproduction?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iafuy/i_see_trump_as_a_modern_karl_marx/
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I said to my wife, "Honey, I want to have sex like we used to"....

"Okay, That will be 500 dollars"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iaegz/i_said_to_my_wife_honey_i_want_to_have_sex_like/
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My friends say that too much of today's news can be discouraging--they say my habit of constantly reloading the CNN app will make me depressed.

but I think it's refreshing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7iachu/my_friends_say_that_too_much_of_todays_news_can/
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I blew a speaker in my car today

He was a motivational speaker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ia9gl/i_blew_a_speaker_in_my_car_today/
%
Why aren't you supposed to help sick birds?

It's ill eagle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ia34i/why_arent_you_supposed_to_help_sick_birds/
%
Tommy bought a pack of 3 dice. He got rid of one. Why?

Because he wanted 2 die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ia2d5/tommy_bought_a_pack_of_3_dice_he_got_rid_of_one/
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Santa walks into a bar followed by 3 hydrogen monoxide molecules

HO HO HO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ia22t/santa_walks_into_a_bar_followed_by_3_hydrogen/
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Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i9zvr/personally_i_dont_believe_in_bros_before_hoes_or/
%
What's the best gift you can get?

A broken drum,
You can't beat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i9wf2/whats_the_best_gift_you_can_get/
%
My girlfriend lost her left arm and left leg in a horrific accident.

Don't worry. She's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i9vxy/my_girlfriend_lost_her_left_arm_and_left_leg_in_a/
%
What do you get when you cross Ant-Man and GI Joe?

Giant man (ba dum tsk)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i9v7n/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_antman_and_gi_joe/
%
Roy Moore opened a clothing store in Birmingham, but it was quickly shut down.

Parents were pretty upset when they realized "Teen girls clothes always half off" was the entry policy, not a sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i9q7p/roy_moore_opened_a_clothing_store_in_birmingham/
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yo mama is so fat......

she used cheat codes to WII fit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i9q03/yo_mama_is_so_fat/
%
Stalin and the Sun

One morning, General Secretary Stalin opens his window and says, "Good morning, dear Sun!"
"Good morning, General Secretary Stalin!" replies the Sun.
Then, after lunch, General Secretary Stalin looks up and says, "Good afternoon, dear Sun!"
"Good afternoon, Stalin!" replies the Sun.
Later, as Stalin is walking home, he looks over at the sunset and says, "Good evening, dear Sun!"
And the Sun replies, "Fuck you, I'm in the West now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i9oyg/stalin_and_the_sun/
%
When I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Christmas, she said "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace!"

So I bought her nothing....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i9o0g/when_i_asked_my_girlfriend_what_she_wanted_for/
%
My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"
"Your daughter"
courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i9mib/my_little_sister_made_a_face_at_my_mom_and_said/
%
At what point during a Netflix and Chill should you start touching her?

Immediately after the Weinstein Company logo flashes across the screen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i9k0y/at_what_point_during_a_netflix_and_chill_should/
%
Turtles are very efficient animals...

they come pre-packaged!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i9jek/turtles_are_very_efficient_animals/
%
Last time I flew Malaysian Airlines I didn't shower first

I just figured that I'd wash up on the beach instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i9ibz/last_time_i_flew_malaysian_airlines_i_didnt/
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Two Prawns

In the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.” Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out: “It’s me, Justin, your old friend. I’ve changed… I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again, Christian.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i9d7y/two_prawns/
%
Did you here about the plumber that had PTSD?

He's really seen some shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i9apd/did_you_here_about_the_plumber_that_had_ptsd/
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So I walked up to the widow at a funeral.

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: (clears throat) "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i941z/so_i_walked_up_to_the_widow_at_a_funeral/
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The Cab Driver’s Brother

A cab driver in Los Angeles was picking up a passenger from the airport.
Cab Driver: Where to?
Passenger: Universal Studios. Step on it.
The cab driver speeds past the other cars. He’s weaving through the traffic going well above the speed limit. The passenger is a little concerned.
Passenger: Hey buddy I know I said go fast. But be careful.
Cab Driver: Oh don’t worry about it. My brother does it all the time.
They come to an intersection when the light turns yellow. Instead of slowing down, the cab driver speeds up and races past the intersection.
Passenger: Hey what the hell was that? That was a yellow!
Cab Driver: Oh don’t worry about it. My brother does it all the time.
They keep going. They’re about half way there when they come up on another intersection. This time the light was red and all the cars came to a stop. The cab driver, without a second though, sped past it, getting honked my the other drivers.
Passenger: Okay come on! That was a red. I want to get there in one piece.
Cab Driver: Oh don’t worry about it. My brother does it all the time.
After a while of reckless driving, they come close to their destination. As the cab is making its way to the next intersection, the signal turns from red to green. The cab driver immediately slams the brakes, coming to a complete stop just before the line. The passenger slams his head on the from seat.
Passenger: What the fuck?! You’re willing to break dozens of traffic rules and run every red signal but you stop at a green?!!
The cab driver slowly turns around to face the passenger.
Cab Driver: Hey! You never know when my brother could be driving the other way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i93l7/the_cab_drivers_brother/
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What do you get when you repeal net neutrality?

[punchline loading, please wait]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i92x4/what_do_you_get_when_you_repeal_net_neutrality/
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Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i90sx/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married_at_the/
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Robert called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner

"Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
*"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,"* said Robert. *"Is mommy near the phone?"*
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, he said, *"But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"*
"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
*"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."*
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "I did what you said, Daddy."
*"And what happened?"*
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
*"Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank?"*
"He popped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."
There was a long pause, then Robert said, *"Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i8ztc/robert_called_home_one_afternoon_to_see_what_his/
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I treat my girlfriend just like my bitcoin

I never pull out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i8z4a/i_treat_my_girlfriend_just_like_my_bitcoin/
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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas...

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i8x2s/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i8umt/a_monkey_is_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint/
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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.
In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and primaries. Maybe if we all did that and voted out all the bad one, we wouldn’t have so many issues....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i8tsr/the_13th_amendment_makes_it_illegal_to_buy_people/
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Donald Trump, Robert Mueller, and Vladimir Putin find themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

“Are we dead?”, Mueller asks.
“No,” Saint Peter says. “You’ll be going back shortly. I need to correct a mistake that was made before any of you were born. We mixed up your names!  See,” he turns to Mueller, “you were supposed to be named Trump, to symbolize how, like a Trumpet, you are to sound the loud alert about injustice in the world.”
“I can live with that”, Mueller says.
“And Vladimir, you were supposed to be named Mueller, to symbolize how, like a mule, you are strong but stubborn.”
“I can live with that,” Putin says.
Then Donald turns bright orange and shouts, “Are you telling me I’m supposed to be named Putin, symbolizing somebody who is ‘pootin’, as in full of smelly farts?”
St Peter laughs and says, “No, but that would have been a good one. Truth is, you haven’t been named yet...” he looks at Mueller, “but it’s only a matter of time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i8rxj/donald_trump_robert_mueller_and_vladimir_putin/
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A woman says to her husband "Whomst'd've'ly'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es"

Husband: "The contractions are getting closer together, time to go to the hospital."
Credit to /u/Mr_Wilcox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i8p40/a_woman_says_to_her_husband/
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Sex with me is like a race

Who will cum first?
Me or the police?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i8dr6/sex_with_me_is_like_a_race/
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Johnny? What is the chemical formula for water? The teacher ask.

Johnny: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O
Teacher : Well, no! Where did you get that from?
Johnny: Yesterday you said it was H to O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i8czp/johnny_what_is_the_chemical_formula_for_water_the/
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What do you call a group of White-Supremacist Detectives?

The Klue-Klux-Klan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i8ak8/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_whitesupremacist/
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Last night, a prostitute told me should would do anything for $200

Guess who's getting his fence painted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i8ac6/last_night_a_prostitute_told_me_should_would_do/
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A man who had just died is delivered to a local mortuary....

and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, "There's no charge." "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit," she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i89k9/a_man_who_had_just_died_is_delivered_to_a_local/
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Is joke from Latvia. I tell now.

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i89f9/is_joke_from_latvia_i_tell_now/
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I'll be surprised if no one's done this joke before, but.... What is Trump's least favorite kind of pornography?

Fake nudes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i87o1/ill_be_surprised_if_no_ones_done_this_joke_before/
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A man walks into a library...

And he asks "Excuse me, is The Big Book of Turtles in?"
"Hard back?"
"Yeah, with little heads"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i8191/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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Did you guys hear about the music producer who got caught stealing people's music?

He got a lot of FLAC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i7zdg/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_music_producer_who/
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People are saying Donald Trump is wearing dentures after he was slurring his speech yesterday.

I think this calls for a molar investigation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i7xki/people_are_saying_donald_trump_is_wearing/
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A refrigerant walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, “how’s it going there partner?”
The refrigerant answers, “well, not going so well, you see back when I was just a wee lad I always wanted to be so much more.  I knew my life was being wasted on the mundane activities of day to day life.  Then when I turned 5, I started....”
**the bartender interrupts**
“buddy I’m sorry can you speed it up?  I’ve got customers to serve…”
“I’m sorry I can’t, bad things happen when I condense”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i7v7f/a_refrigerant_walks_into_a_bar/
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An old man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem gas.

"It's non-stop," the man tells his doctor. "I just have this *constant* stream of silent gas pouring out of me. It  might shock you to know that it's even been happening since I came into your office."
"OK," replies the doctor. "The first thing I'm going to recommend is a hearing test."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i7sg8/an_old_man_goes_to_the_doctor_to_complain_about/
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I walked in on my brother masturbating. The sick bastard just looked at me and said "shut the door"

I said " get back in the fucking house"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i7rv1/i_walked_in_on_my_brother_masturbating_the_sick/
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God is having a tough day

(Not sure if this is a repost)
It’s particularly busy in heaven, and God decides that he is only going to let the most upsetting and ridiculous deaths into heaven.
The day goes on and around midday three men arrive at St. Peter’s gates, and god stops them, he says...
“Sorry guys, I can’t let you through unless your story is worthy enough.”
So the first guy walks up to God, looks around and starts his tale...
“I’m a middle class man married to a beautiful wife, I live on the 11th floor of the Richards apartment complex, a relatively low quality apartment and I work a 12 hour day, 11-11. Well today I got off work early, Say around 8ish, and I opened the door to my apartment. Here I saw on the welcome mat a pair of men’s shoes, not mine, and keys to car neither me nor my wife owned, so immediately I was alarmed. I looked around the house in a hurried rush and found nothing, until I went out on to the balcony where I saw a man hanging by his finder tips, in a fit of rage I took a hammer and smashed his fingers. However when he fell, he fell into the bushes below with minor damage, so I threw the refrigerator on him crushing him instantly.”
God surprised by this asked
“How did you come to die then”
The man responded my claiming it was by heart attack from the event.
God let’s him through, and proceeds to look at the second man.
The man starts and says...
“I am a gymnast and I live on the 13th floor of the Richards apartments, I was practicing handstands on the balcony  when I slipped and fell over. Luckily I caught the railing a few floors below, slipping I thought it was over. Then a man came rushing out and I thought I was saved, but then he starts smashing my hands with a hammer, I fall and to my avail land in some bushes. I thought I made it out alive but then he throws a refrigerator on me, and that’s how I ended up here.”
God let’s the man through then turns to the third man.
The third man goes...
“Picture this, I’m naked inside a refrigerator...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i7r4h/god_is_having_a_tough_day/
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A fat guy and a skinny guy are sitting next to each other on the bus.

The fat guy looks the skinny guy over and says, "Looking at you, one can think there is not enough food in the world."
The skinny guy replies, "and looking at you, one can see why."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i7nn8/a_fat_guy_and_a_skinny_guy_are_sitting_next_to/
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A farmer sitting on his porch

A farmer is sitting on his porch, when he hears a loud crash behind his house.  So he grabs his gun takes off out back and sees his outhouse destroyed  reindeer laying on the ground Santa's sleigh laying on its side.  Then Santa stands up, yelling "Rudolph, you idiot I said the Schmidt house! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i7b3p/a_farmer_sitting_on_his_porch/
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Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i79kf/why_is_trump_excited_russia_was_banned_from_the/
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Why don’t blind people go bungee jumping?

Because it scares the fuck out of the dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i73k3/why_dont_blind_people_go_bungee_jumping/
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Had sex with my girlfriend a few days ago...

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.
She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i7327/had_sex_with_my_girlfriend_a_few_days_ago/
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Why does the stool you sit on to milk a cow only have 3 legs?

Because the cow has the udder...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i6m8f/why_does_the_stool_you_sit_on_to_milk_a_cow_only/
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Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

You really have to hand it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i6lxz/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_prostitute/
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My girlfriend wanted me to expand my horizons by tasting weird looking vegetables

I said OK, but I draw the line at Stephen Hawking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i6l2m/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_expand_my_horizons_by/
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Poor Guy

Today I donated a watch, a phone and my wallet to a poor guy. You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him putting his gun back in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i6kt4/poor_guy/
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I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i6kbm/i_went_to_the_local_liquor_store_on_my_bicycle/
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I just received an email notifying me that my order has shipped!

Just think, in one week I'll be a married man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i6crf/i_just_received_an_email_notifying_me_that_my/
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What do you call trading one joke for another?

Quip pro quo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i69bi/what_do_you_call_trading_one_joke_for_another/
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Why did the 3-wheeled car kill itself?

It lost its wheel to live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i68we/why_did_the_3wheeled_car_kill_itself/
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Why did the partially blind man fall down a well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i65in/why_did_the_partially_blind_man_fall_down_a_well/
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I don't mean to sound homophobic.

But gay men are fucking assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i6553/i_dont_mean_to_sound_homophobic/
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People always jump to ridiculous conclusions.

Like thinking, for some reason, that my dads are gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i63gz/people_always_jump_to_ridiculous_conclusions/
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I really resent gravity

It's held me down my whole life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i61ir/i_really_resent_gravity/
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What's the similarity between an alcoholic and a mortician?

Both can't wait to crack open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i613s/whats_the_similarity_between_an_alcoholic_and_a/
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How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i5z35/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_guy_at_a_nude_beach/
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What did one river say to the other river as they raced down a hill and suddenly hit a dead end?

“Dam!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i5w8t/what_did_one_river_say_to_the_other_river_as_they/
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Why do neo-Nazis always order milk at the cafeteria?

They hate the juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i5w3n/why_do_neonazis_always_order_milk_at_the_cafeteria/
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Why are ducks bad drivers?

Their windshields are all quacked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i5ux0/why_are_ducks_bad_drivers/
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I found one of my dad's old porno videos today...

Did you know, back in the 70's, they used to use pubic hair to censor out the genitals?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i5pxf/i_found_one_of_my_dads_old_porno_videos_today/
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what do you call 5 guys who fell down the stairs?

an ambulance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i5m5c/what_do_you_call_5_guys_who_fell_down_the_stairs/
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Which weighs more? A ton of feathers? Or a ton of steel?

Feathers. You'll have to carry the weight of what you did to all those birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i58yg/which_weighs_more_a_ton_of_feathers_or_a_ton_of/
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A guy walks into an auto-parts store...

He approaches the customer service counter and is greeted by a young, attractive female with golden blonde hair.
He says "I didn't expect to see such a young beautiful woman in a shop like this...what's your name?"
She points to her name-tag, and with a cute smile replies "Carmen. I changed my name a few years ago because I like cars, and I also like men. So, I came up with Carmen."
The guy replied, "Coincidentally, I changed my name too!"
"Really?" Asked the girl. "What is it?"
"Beerpussy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i58ht/a_guy_walks_into_an_autoparts_store/
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Me: "I'd say my biggest weakness is listening"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i585a/interviewer_where_do_you_see_yourself_in_5_years/
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What do you call a droid who was sexually harassed in the workplace?

R2MeToo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i57xh/what_do_you_call_a_droid_who_was_sexually/
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An Air Force guy and an Army guy

There's a soldier from the Air Force driving from Richmond to Wagga, and an Army guy driving from Wagga to Richmond. In the middle of the night, around 2am, with no other cars on the road, they hit each other and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,"Wow, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived the accident!"
The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, "Hey, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
So the Air Force guy pops open his boot and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
The Army guy replies, "Yeah, you're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Now it's your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "No thanks, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i57gj/an_air_force_guy_and_an_army_guy/
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A boy was walking down the road

When a man in a car pulled up beside him and asked "if I give you a sweet will you come in my car?"
The boy turned round and said "give me the bag mate and I'll come on your face".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i53vt/a_boy_was_walking_down_the_road/
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I miss my ex

But everyday my shot gets a bit closer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i53go/i_miss_my_ex/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef strokin' off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4zq7/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
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A family lives in the middle of nowhere...

Being in the middle of nowhere, they have pets. One day there dog starts to scratch more than usual and they taking him to the vet, fearing fleas.
The vet, after being told the situation, looks the dog over for a little bit and says, “I think it’s ticks actually. Go ahead and shave him right here and I’ll show you why I think that.”
So they shave the dog at the location indicated by the vet and they see these little tiny check marks that look like they’re made by the world’s tiniest sharpie.
“See those?” The vet says, “Those are tick marks!”
Apologies if this is a repost, haven’t seen it on here yet and thought of it today at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4xxp/a_family_lives_in_the_middle_of_nowhere/
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As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero

The Invisible Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4usp/as_a_child_i_always_thought_of_my_dad_as_a/
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Scientists from CERN are currently protesting in Geneva holding up signs

Half-Lives, Matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4qi6/scientists_from_cern_are_currently_protesting_in/
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I got a vasectomy two years ago.

Turns out is doesn't stop you from having kids, they just come out in different colours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4pua/i_got_a_vasectomy_two_years_ago/
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I'm dating this crazy, kinky Russian lady she's really...

medling with my erections

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4oj5/im_dating_this_crazy_kinky_russian_lady_shes/
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A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve...

They felt a slight precipitation.
"I think is raining," said the men.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman
"How about we ask this communist officer here? He is always right!" Exclaims the man.
"Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4jle/a_couple_is_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
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My dad loves Battlefront 2 and praises EA whenever he plays it.

Should I tell him they made another battlefront 2 recently?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4j9v/my_dad_loves_battlefront_2_and_praises_ea/
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If x=y and y=z, then x=z.

Applying the same logic.
If all men are pigs.
And Men and women are equal.
Then all women are pigs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4gan/if_xy_and_yz_then_xz/
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what's the difference between a unicorn and a girlfriend?

i am 8 times more likely to find a unicorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4fs8/whats_the_difference_between_a_unicorn_and_a/
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Do you suffer from schizophrenia?

Just remember you're not alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4f5k/do_you_suffer_from_schizophrenia/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He thanked me.

"Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4epm/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room_he/
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I tried to lie to the bouncer about my age when so I could enter the club...

Me: "23 sir".
Bouncer: "Hmm you don't look 23..."
Me: "Oh stop it you're making me blus-"
Bouncer: "You look like you're in your 30s".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4ec8/i_tried_to_lie_to_the_bouncer_about_my_age_when/
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank.

Proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4ebt/two_eskimos_sitting_in_a_kayak_were_chilly_so/
%
Knock, knock.

Who's there?
To.
To who?
To WHOM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4dbq/knock_knock/
%
Velcro

What a ripoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4b00/velcro/
%
The best way to memorize all 12 cranial nerves?

Oh, Oh, Oh; To Touch A Fine Vagina Gives Veronica A High

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i4a62/the_best_way_to_memorize_all_12_cranial_nerves/
%
Sharpie has a new motto...

Once you go black you never go back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i49gv/sharpie_has_a_new_motto/
%
Four rabbis are discussing a passage in the Tanakh...

...and are furiously debating it's meaning. The first rabbi, who we'll call Jacob, insists it means _this,_ but the other three refuse to believe it and insist it means _that._
Jacob, feeling disheartened, goes to the top of the tallest mountain and calls on God. "O', Lord, if I am correct, send me a sign!" Soon, a great storm cloud erupts above the mountain, blasts a bit of thunder, and then it goes away. The other three rabbis shrug. "Eh, probably nothing."
The next day, Jacob, feeling even more disheartened, calls on God again. "O', Lord, if I am correct, send me an even bigger sign!" Soon, an even greater storm cloud appears, dwarfing the previous one, covering the entire land in shadow. It fires off some thunder before disappearing back into the ether. The other three rabbis are still not impressed. "God's not on your side, Jacob."
On the third day, Jacob, who at this point has throughly lost his patience, returns to the mountain for a third time and yells out to God. "O', Lord, if I am correct-" He's interrupted by a massive cloud, ten times as large as the last one. Instead of thunder, this time a great booming voice calls out. **"HE'S RIGHT!"** Then the cloud disappears. Jacob turns to the other rabbis and says "See! Even God thinks I'm right!"
The rabbis shrug. "So now it's three against two. So what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i48z6/four_rabbis_are_discussing_a_passage_in_the_tanakh/
%
I hate when people don’t know when to type your or you’re.

There so stupid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i45r6/i_hate_when_people_dont_know_when_to_type_your_or/
%
I really don't think Roy Moore will win the Alabama Senate election.

He'll probably come in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i40vv/i_really_dont_think_roy_moore_will_win_the/
%
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3yqj/a_woman_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
%
What does the "r" in r/jokes stand for?

Fuck you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3xmp/what_does_the_r_in_rjokes_stand_for/
%
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno, dos..." poof. He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3wu6/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
%
what's the difference between a bunch of cameras and a million dollars?

i haven't hid a million dollars inside your house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3wsa/whats_the_difference_between_a_bunch_of_cameras/
%
why aren't there any movies about swiss cheese?

because the plot has too many holes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3umh/why_arent_there_any_movies_about_swiss_cheese/
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Three missionaries are captured in the Amazon

Three explorers are captured by a remote tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3pzs/three_missionaries_are_captured_in_the_amazon/
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Alerts to Threats in Europe

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
A final thought – ” Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3pqn/alerts_to_threats_in_europe/
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What do you call a high Irishman

A baked potato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3nzb/what_do_you_call_a_high_irishman/
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What did the guy with diarrhea say to the guy that was constipated?

I shit. You not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3j3r/what_did_the_guy_with_diarrhea_say_to_the_guy/
%
One day two brothers were raking in the front yard...

The older brother, who is 6, says, "Hey, at breakfast tomorrow, me and you should say a cuss word!" The younger brother, who is 4, nods with excitement. So, the next day, the their mother says, "What do you want for breakfast?" to the older brother. He replies, "All hell! I'll have some Cherrios!" The mother grabs him by the ear and spanks him all the way up the stairs into his room. "Now, what do you want for breakfast?" The mother says to the younger brother. "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it ain't going to be Cherrios!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3i14/one_day_two_brothers_were_raking_in_the_front_yard/
%
How do you make holy water?

Burn the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3gjf/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
Three squirrels were sitting on animal hides...

The first squirrel was sitting on a rabbit hide and weighed one pound. The second squirrel was sitting on a wolf hide and weighed two pounds. And the third squirrel was sitting on a hippopotamus hide and weighed three pounds. This proves that the squirrel on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squirrels on the other two hides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3g8s/three_squirrels_were_sitting_on_animal_hides/
%
A quadriplegic goes off to college but never graduates.

He tried and tried but just couldn't get that leg up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3f9l/a_quadriplegic_goes_off_to_college_but_never/
%
A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane...

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3c2q/a_mormon_and_an_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
%
So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight...

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3bgs/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
%
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i3ade/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a_snow/
%
A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar.

Bartender says, “Hey Mitt! What’ll ya have?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i2x8k/a_liberal_a_moderate_and_a_conservative_walk_into/
%
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i2wp5/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
Did you know that marijuana can impair your short-term memory?

And, did you know that marijuana can impair your short-term memory?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i2vma/did_you_know_that_marijuana_can_impair_your/
%
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i2tqx/whats_the_worst_thing_about_breaking_up_with_a/
%
Why do mexicans never win the Olympics?

Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump and swim are in the US.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i2tgu/why_do_mexicans_never_win_the_olympics/
%
Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own?

Because it was two-tyred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i2osq/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
%
I used to be against organ transplants,

then I had a change of heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i2jsf/i_used_to_be_against_organ_transplants/
%
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i2ivm/a_male_whale_and_a_female_whale_were_swimming_off/
%
Lost my watch at a party once.

Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i2hmv/lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
%
What should the penalty for smoking marijuana be?

Getting stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i2erd/what_should_the_penalty_for_smoking_marijuana_be/
%
Russian census ended with success

there were still people to count!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i2a2c/russian_census_ended_with_success/
%
A man goes to Japan for a business trip and decides to spice things up.

The night before the meeting, he goes out and meets a “friendly” Japanese woman who he takes back to the hotel. They get to action and all night the woman repeatedly yells, “Chigau! Chigau!”
The next day the man goes to the meeting and it follows up with Golf with the Japanese employees. As the man lines up his shot on a Par 3, he swings and gets a hole in one! His Japanese peers celebrate and the man, out of instinct, excitedly yells “Chigau!”
The company’s Japanese translator, confused, asks the man, “What do you mean ‘Wrong Hole’?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i29i7/a_man_goes_to_japan_for_a_business_trip_and/
%
Ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?

Look at your drivers license.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i29e9/ever_seen_an_asshole_wrapped_in_plastic/
%
During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"
“Wow, that’s impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i24st/during_a_quiet_moment_at_a_white_house_dinner/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand binary ,those who don't...And those who weren't expecting a ternary joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i230b/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
I figured out why so many Muslims are called Muhammad.

So they don't have to have their picture in the yearbook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i20ox/i_figured_out_why_so_many_muslims_are_called/
%
You wanna hear a geography joke?

Bob : "Hey Tom if you're Hungary I'll Serbia a Turkey Sandwich"
Tom : "Oman that was a bad joke"
Bob : "Yemen I know"
Tom : "You Syriasly need to stop with these jokes..."
Bob : "But Iraq at making jokes :("

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i1xfi/you_wanna_hear_a_geography_joke/
%
What is the difference between a driveway and a teenage girl?

Roy Moore pulls out of the driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i1wqb/what_is_the_difference_between_a_driveway_and_a/
%
My employees are developing weaponized crocodiles.

I told them to make it snappy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i1uev/my_employees_are_developing_weaponized_crocodiles/
%
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i1uax/little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class_doing_math/
%
I personally identify as one cycle per second.

Because everything hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i1rmg/i_personally_identify_as_one_cycle_per_second/
%
Have you ever taken a class on Middle Eastern history?

Israeli hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i1p2v/have_you_ever_taken_a_class_on_middle_eastern/
%
What are the four seasons called in New England?

Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i1o5f/what_are_the_four_seasons_called_in_new_england/
%
I tried to make up a poop joke.

But it felt like I was pushing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i1k3o/i_tried_to_make_up_a_poop_joke/
%
Putin to seek re-election for President of Russia

He's expected to carry 120% of the vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i1fba/putin_to_seek_reelection_for_president_of_russia/
%
Caitlyn Jenner came out today

and said she was groped by Bruce Jenner over several years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i1dee/caitlyn_jenner_came_out_today/
%
My daughter asked for a puppy again this year

I reiterated a turkey would taste much better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i1927/my_daughter_asked_for_a_puppy_again_this_year/
%
What do you call two bananas on the floor?

A pair of slippers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i18t0/what_do_you_call_two_bananas_on_the_floor/
%
Had a porcelain santa on a shelf....

one day he fell off and his hands broke off.
From then on we called him Canta Plause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i16id/had_a_porcelain_santa_on_a_shelf/
%
I know who the next president will be.

It’s because of my 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i1691/i_know_who_the_next_president_will_be/
%
I’m really worried about Jerusalem being recognised as the capital of Israel.

Who’s going to Tel Aviv?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i15dr/im_really_worried_about_jerusalem_being/
%
There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.

Glass was becoming the clear winner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i14iy/there_was_a_material_election_and_glass_wood_and/
%
I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards

No one knows what I'm dealing with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i115a/i_keep_imagining_im_holding_an_invisible_pack_of/
%
There's a banquet filled with Catholic Bishops

. One of the waiters goes up to the Bishop and asks him how to become a Priest.
The Bishop tells him about the vows of poverty.
The waiter says 'if this is your idea of poverty I'd love to see your idea of chastity. :

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i113q/theres_a_banquet_filled_with_catholic_bishops/
%
My mom said that she wants the house Spotless

So I threw the Dalmatian through the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i10qh/my_mom_said_that_she_wants_the_house_spotless/
%
There was this dyslexic guy...

And he decides to rob a bank. He runs in woth a gun, pionts it at the casheir and syas:
"Don't move mother-sticker, this is a fuck-up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i10qc/there_was_this_dyslexic_guy/
%
What does the “r” in r/jokes stand for?

Recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i0yio/what_does_the_r_in_rjokes_stand_for/
%
What do red Corvettes and hemorrhoids have in common?

Eventually every asshole gets one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i0x9z/what_do_red_corvettes_and_hemorrhoids_have_in/
%
What’s the difference between a warm pool and a ball pit?

One’s a hot tub, one’s a tot hub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i0ty9/whats_the_difference_between_a_warm_pool_and_a/
%
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks three languages is trilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only one language?

American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i0sod/if_someone_who_speaks_two_languages_is_bilingual/
%
This kid threw a can of Coke into the trash and hit me...

Dont worry, it didnt hurt.
It was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i0ouf/this_kid_threw_a_can_of_coke_into_the_trash_and/
%
Why did 6 accuse 7 of eating 9?

7 was the prime suspect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i0mlw/why_did_6_accuse_7_of_eating_9/
%
Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID

It always says "B positive".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i0esj/whenever_im_sad_i_just_read_my_blood_donor_id/
%
If I were an enzyme, I'd be helicase

So I could unzip your genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i0a7j/if_i_were_an_enzyme_id_be_helicase/
%
What happens to a sailboat in a category 5 hurricane?

MAST DESTRUCTION!!!
I'll ~~see~~ sea myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i060k/what_happens_to_a_sailboat_in_a_category_5/
%
Did you hear about these people who worship a scrotum god?

Yeah, they're sackreligous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7i0551/did_you_hear_about_these_people_who_worship_a/
%
A termite walks into a bar

And says is the bar *tender* here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzzkp/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A Flat Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzz2f/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_down_a_mine/
%
I figured out how to make a million dollars on the stock market

Invest two million

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzw0g/i_figured_out_how_to_make_a_million_dollars_on/
%
3 guys walk into the jungle

They are found by a group of natives and are brought back to the chief.
The chief says, "I will let you go, but only if you bring back 10 if the same kind of fruit."
The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
The chief says, "Now you can go, but only if you can fit all of them in your butt without making a sound."
He makes it to 2 before crying out in pain.
The second guy comes back with 10 grapes. The chief tells him the same thing.
He only makes it to 9 grapes before he bursts out in laughter.
In heaven, the first guy asks the second why he started laughing.
The second guy replies, "I saw the other guy coming back with 10 pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzuw5/3_guys_walk_into_the_jungle/
%
Roses are red...

Yoda is green
My lightsaber needs two hands
If you know what I mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzsxc/roses_are_red/
%
I can cut wood using just my eyes

It is true, I saw it with my own eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzrnl/i_can_cut_wood_using_just_my_eyes/
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The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more..'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The First floor -has wives that love sex.
The Second floor - has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzlc9/the_husband_store/
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzl7s/i_got_in_a_fight_one_time_with_a_really_big_guy/
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What‘s red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzjyg/whats_red_and_smells_like_blue_paint/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzj59/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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A heavily inebriated man is out with his wife.

Finally they call it a day and make their way home. Driving on a major road, the car swerves dangerously, frequently crossing lanes at a frightening speed and narrowly avoiding causing countless collisions. Eventually they are pulled over by the cops.
With the window lowered, the man attempts to justify his actions.
"Goodd evvening... offficer..." he slurs. "As you can see, I've had rather a lot to drink."
The cop is fuming. "Sir. That is not a valid excuse to allow your wife to drive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzia2/a_heavily_inebriated_man_is_out_with_his_wife/
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I told my girlfriend to come with me to the gym. Then I stood her up.

Hopefully, she’ll realize the two of us are not going to work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzgbu/i_told_my_girlfriend_to_come_with_me_to_the_gym/
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Wanna know how I can prove Jesus was white?

The body of Christ is a cracker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzg0b/wanna_know_how_i_can_prove_jesus_was_white/
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If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone bashing EA . . .

I still wouldn't have enough to unlock everything in Battlefront 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzfy5/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_heard_someone/
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzfga/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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What are the three rings of marriage?

The engagement ring
The wedding ring
And the suffering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hze4j/what_are_the_three_rings_of_marriage/
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What do you call a bodybuilder having a seizure?

A protein shake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzc6n/what_do_you_call_a_bodybuilder_having_a_seizure/
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What's the best place to study at college?

Under the teacher's desk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hzbk9/whats_the_best_place_to_study_at_college/
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I can't believe Prince Harry, who's British royalty, is marrying African American actress Meghan Markle. Why would someone that rich and famous marry an obviously inferior genetic specimen? It's just unthinkable.

Though I suppose if Meghan wants to marry a ginger, it's none of my business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hz9bq/i_cant_believe_prince_harry_whos_british_royalty/
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What happened to the constipated Mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hz9ay/what_happened_to_the_constipated_mathematician/
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What fur do we get from a tiger?

As fur as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hz8u3/what_fur_do_we_get_from_a_tiger/
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Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar

and it doesn't walk into a bar﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hz3e9/schrodingers_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
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Jacob and Rebecca

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob:We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?
Pharmacist: Of course, we do.
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's
disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hyyav/jacob_and_rebecca/
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Why does no one laugh at dad jokes?

The punchlines are so old they're full groan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hyufk/why_does_no_one_laugh_at_dad_jokes/
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hyqgm/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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A young Irish man is going out with a woman.

He decides to introduce her to his parents over dinner. At their house, the boy's mother asks the girl what she does for a living. The girl hesitates. "I'm a prostitute," she eventually says. Suddenly the mother  lets a scream out of her, and faints. After she regains consciousness and comes to her senses, she says to the girl, "I'm sorry, my dear, did you just say that you were a prostitute?"
"Yes," the girl says.
"Oh, thank God," says the mother. "For a minute there I thought you said you were Protestant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hyq9c/a_young_irish_man_is_going_out_with_a_woman/
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Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you,but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hypmq/blonde_nun/
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Who really won the Tour de France?

Germany's 7th Panzer Division

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hyj3a/who_really_won_the_tour_de_france/
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If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it

He's gay, definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hygzs/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_10_men_shes_a_slut_but_if/
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My girlfriends dad asked me what I do.

Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hygbq/my_girlfriends_dad_asked_me_what_i_do/
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Two women are at a bar...

One turns to the other and asks, "Have you heard about the Bechdel test?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hyf0m/two_women_are_at_a_bar/
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An orange walks into a bar and asks for a drink...

The bartender looks at the orange and says " sorry I don't speak mandarin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hyerq/an_orange_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_drink/
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Three men die on the same day, at the same time, at the same hotel

They are brought to the devil and all three insist that he is an innocent victim.
The first guys says, " I was staying with my wife in room 606. When I got back from work and opened the door, I noticed an unfamiliar set of men's shoes. My wife was out, so this must be a theif. I looked around for the intruder, and discovered ten little fingers dangling on the porch. So I hit the fingers one by one and the guy falls...and grabs the tree right below. This was annoying me so I grabbed my traveling bag and threw it down on top of him. But my wrist got tangled with the bag straps and I fell with it...hence my death."
The second man starts. "I was staying at room 706 and was having a drink with my friend. We got drunk and started to fight and spilled alcohol all over the porch, and my friend left in rage. I sat there a bit, and then I stood up..and slipped on the beer and fell off the porch. I managed to grab the railings downstairs, but some maniac pryed off my fingers and threw me down! Well guess my luck and I grabbed a tree and looked up...and saw a man tied to a huge bag crashing on top of me."
Now the third man says, "Well at least you guys know how you died, but I don't even know that. I just followed a beautiful lady I met in the hotel up to her room, where we were going to have a wonderful time but the girl left something back in the lobby so I waited in the room while she retrieved it. But then she calls me and says her husband just went up, so I looked around a place to hide. There was this huge bag so I went it and zipped it up. I heard someone opening the door so I shut my eyes and prayed he wouldn't find me...and I open my eyes and I'm here. I have absolutely no idea what happend!"
Am new here, might be something old, just heard this long ago and wanted to share :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hydg0/three_men_die_on_the_same_day_at_the_same_time_at/
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Why did the golfer take an extra pair of socks with him?

In case.... ^wait ^for ^it... he got a hole in one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hya80/why_did_the_golfer_take_an_extra_pair_of_socks/
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better man.

So i can get a better girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hy8c8/my_girlfriend_makes_me_want_to_be_a_better_man/
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What do you call someone who's afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hy7mh/what_do_you_call_someone_whos_afraid_of_santa/
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The etymology of the word "politics" is surprisingly accurate.

"poly" meaning "many", and tics meaning "small bloodsucking parasites."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hy5ux/the_etymology_of_the_word_politics_is/
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Went shopping this afternoon.

Good deed done today.
This afternoon at the Morrisons check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change and she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive.
She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted...................and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...
Have a great Christmas! :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hy56s/went_shopping_this_afternoon/
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What did God say to Eve while she was swimming in a pond?

Damn it! I'm never gona get that smell out of these fish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hy4zf/what_did_god_say_to_eve_while_she_was_swimming_in/
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Whiteboards...

are remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hy4ba/whiteboards/
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Guy is sitting in a bar when the bartender notices the empty glass in front of him. "Care for another?" the bartender asks.

Guy replies "why would I want two empty glasses?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hy2cn/guy_is_sitting_in_a_bar_when_the_bartender/
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Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hxzmi/why_did_the_man_with_one_hand_cross_the_road/
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Yo mama so fat

When she sings.. it’s over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hxyfl/yo_mama_so_fat/
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Have you heard of the new dating app for Catholic priests?

It's called "Kinder".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hxv8z/have_you_heard_of_the_new_dating_app_for_catholic/
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An American man and his son went on vacation to Finland.

When they arrived, a cab driver greeted them at the airport. "What should we do on our first day here," the father asked his son, excitedly. The driver interjected, "Well, if you're not natives, I'd suggest the roller coaster that teaches your or language." Confused, the father and son look at one another then back at their guide. "Trust me," he told them, "It's guaranteed or your money back." Having no plans and now both understandably intrigued, the pair agreed. When they arrived at the roller coaster, they were amazed to see the giant steel skeleton of the most intricate ride they'd ever seen. It had loops, helixes, corkscrews and drops more terrifying than anything they'd ridden back home. The son quickly rescinded his consent and turned you guys father. "There's no way I'm getting on that thing. You go first," he said, "Then you can tell me if it's worth it." Not wanting to seem a coward, the father accepted. Stepping into the first car, he seated himself. As the attendant approached to check his shoulder restraint, her couldn't help but ask, "So how exactly am I supposed to learn an entire language from a roller coaster?" The attendant smiled and replied simply, "You'll see." Anticipation turned to unease as the cars lurched upward towards the first drop. The seconds felt like hours as the car climbed higher and higher, clicking steadily while the chain pulled it skyward. As the nose of the car tipped downward and he could see the enormous drop below, his inner fear turned verbal. Without thinking he screamed, "minä kuolen!" As he rounded the first turn and into an inverted twist, he debut another exclamation well inside and burst forth. "naida!" He screamed as the ride continued. A few minutes and many foreign-tongued exclamations later, he found himself back at the station trying to catch his breath with the smiling attendant removing his restraints. His ran up to his son and declared, "It really works! I'm not sure how, but it really works!" "How was it?" the son asked unimpressed. "It was a wild ride from start to Finnish." "The son smiled weakly. "Yeah , the cabbie stole our luggage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hxu85/an_american_man_and_his_son_went_on_vacation_to/
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The biggest difference between the Superbowl and the Grammy's.

The Eagles have won a Grammy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hxs1p/the_biggest_difference_between_the_superbowl_and/
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A prisoner escapes from prison.

He decides to break into a house to get some clothes, something to eat and maybe a weapon.
He enters a house and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the man to get out of bed and ties him to a chair; He then turns to the young woman and ties her to the bed, then approaches her, kisses her on the neck and runs to the bathroom.
The husband leans forward and whispers to his wife:
"It seems that the guy has just escaped from prison and for sure it's been years since he has made love to a woman.
I saw how he kissed you on the neck, he definitely wants to have sex with you.
Whatever happens, do not resist and let it happen. Do everything he asks you to do. I know it is terrible, but he looks like a dangerous guy and it's the only way out of it. Be strong my love, I love you above all things! "
She replies: "He did not kiss me on the neck! He whispered in my ear that he is gay and he finds you very cute. Then he asked me if we had any lube and I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong my love, I love you too! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hxrkq/a_prisoner_escapes_from_prison/
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Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hxr74/thomas_is_32_years_old_and_he_is_still_single/
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Why was Gilgamesh voted the Sexiest Man in History?

Women love a man in cuneiform.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hxnrg/why_was_gilgamesh_voted_the_sexiest_man_in_history/
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I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen...

"Dave!" shouted my wife. "Come away from the pond!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hxk53/i_found_a_mass_grave_today_full_of_dead_snowmen/
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What to you call it when you get a boner at a funeral?

Mourning Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hxjz9/what_to_you_call_it_when_you_get_a_boner_at_a/
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What's the difference between men and women?

Men always have the same dick between their legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hxh77/whats_the_difference_between_men_and_women/
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Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said

"You'll never have any more children." ...Then the fucking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hx8zl/went_to_see_a_fortune_teller_earlier_as_she_gazed/
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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son...

He gives the young boy three pennies to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hx7c9/a_father_walks_into_a_restaurant_with_his_young/
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I was at the hospital the other day when

The nurse went to grab a pen from her pocket. Instead she pulled out an anal thermometer, she looked me square in my eyes and said "some arsehole has my pen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hx74s/i_was_at_the_hospital_the_other_day_when/
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Yo momma is such a slut... [NSFW]

Airport security wouldn’t let her through because she had more than three ounces of liquid inside her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hx51u/yo_momma_is_such_a_slut_nsfw/
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Why was there keyboard so sad?

It's keys were depressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hx4ey/why_was_there_keyboard_so_sad/
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What do women and modern computers have in common?

Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hx1lw/what_do_women_and_modern_computers_have_in_common/
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A man comes home from the bar...

A man comes home from the bar after quite a few drinks, holding a duck under his arm. He stumbles into the lounge room where his wife is sitting and says "This is the pig I've been fucking."
His wife replies "That's not a pig. It's a duck."
To which he responds "I was talking to the duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hwx06/a_man_comes_home_from_the_bar/
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My new dog, Minton, ate all of my shuttlecocks.

Bad Minton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hwv8o/my_new_dog_minton_ate_all_of_my_shuttlecocks/
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A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.

His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hwugy/a_groom_waits_at_the_altar_with_a_huge_smile_on/
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A girl and her boyfriend go to the hospital...

The girl goes in to the hospital to donate plasma. The boyfriend goes in to donate sperm.
Once they're finished, they get back together and discuss their profits. The girl says, "I got $30 to donate some plasma." The boyfriend then says to her, "I got $125 to donate sperm." Enraged, the girl says, "That is so unfair!"
Two days later the girl returns to the hospital and the doctor asks, "Ah, you again, are you here to donate plasma?" With her mouth full girl shakes her head and says "Mm-mm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hwdz3/a_girl_and_her_boyfriend_go_to_the_hospital/
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hw8o3/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Judge Dredd (2012) is a Movie About a Mass Suicide.

Suicide by cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hw814/judge_dredd_2012_is_a_movie_about_a_mass_suicide/
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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.

Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hw729/a_lady_comes_home_from_her_doctors_appointment/
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Can your dick touch your asshole?

There’s a grandpa and he has a cigarette. His grandson asks if he can try it and the grandpa asks “can your dick touch your asshole?” The grandson says no. The grandpa says “no, you can’t try it.” The grandpa also has a cup of beer, and the grandson asks if he can try it. The grandpa asks again, “can your dick touch your asshole?” The grandson says no. Later the grandson has a cookie, and the grandpa asks “can I have some of that cookie?” The grandson asks “can your dick touch your asshole?” The grandpa says “yes, as a matter a fact it can.” The grandson says “good then you can go fuck yourself bc this is my cookie!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hw4vi/can_your_dick_touch_your_asshole/
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Why do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers?

Because they can wash their crack and sell it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hw4va/why_do_prostitutes_make_more_money_then_drug/
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What did God say when Joan of Arc arrived in heaven?

"Well done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hvxw1/what_did_god_say_when_joan_of_arc_arrived_in/
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What do you call a woman who exchanges sex for spaghetti?

A Pasta-tute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hvvaw/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_exchanges_sex_for/
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So I came home from work, and my roommate had cooked dinner for us. She made whale blubber. She was like "I hope you like whale blubber!" I told her "Well I mean that just sounds terrible!"

She said "You never know, you might be Inuit."
Credit to my roommate for this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hvtmo/so_i_came_home_from_work_and_my_roommate_had/
%
I don't always tell my dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hvomx/i_dont_always_tell_my_dad_jokes/
%
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hvl2l/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i/
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Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?

Nobody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hvktk/who_does_polyphemus_hate_more_than_odysseus/
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

Because its pee is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hvj1n/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_in_the_bathroom/
%
What did the cat say when he got scared?

You're freaking meowt!﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hvhl6/what_did_the_cat_say_when_he_got_scared/
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A boy is selling fish on a corner..

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hvdr9/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
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Today someone at work made a holocaust joke...

Today someone at work made a holocaust joke which I over heard.
I walked over to him and said " you have any idea how offensive it is to tell a holocaust joke?!  My  grandfather died at a concentration camp over in German, so think before you speak"
He started to apologize and said he was deeply sorry and not to report him to HR.
I said "It is ok, he fell off the guard tower so I am not too offended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hvdod/today_someone_at_work_made_a_holocaust_joke/
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Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds

Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hv8tr/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards_at_first_its_all/
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I heard a great joke about Oedipus and King Midas...

It was motherfucking gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hv8cm/i_heard_a_great_joke_about_oedipus_and_king_midas/
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A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall Street types are all alike. Just worried about your fucking status symbols. You’re so busy whining about your damn BMW that you haven’t even noticed that your whole arm was ripped off by the crash.” The stock broker looked down at bleeding shreds of flesh hanging where his left arm once was and screamed, “Oh my God! Oh my God! My Rolex!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hv2df/a_young_stock_broker_had_just_parked_his_bmw/
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hv213/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
%
I became a proud father today.

My kid is 6, he's just been a boring little shit until now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7huwav/i_became_a_proud_father_today/
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I wrote a song about a tortilla...

Actually, it was more of a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7huunf/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
%
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are at the gates of heaven...

God lays out the rules. They each had 100 steps to climb, and each step would have a different joke. If they could reach the last step without laughing, they would be allowed access into heaven.
The brunette laughs at the 18th step, and is sent to hell.
The redhead does a bit better, and laughs at the 67th step. However, she is still sent to hell.
The blonde is doing much better. She is on the last step, about to enter heaven, when she suddenly starts laughing. God asks "Why are you laughing now? I didn't even tell a joke!"
The blonde responds "I just got the 2nd one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hutri/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_at_the/
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What goes “clip-clop, clip-clop, bang bang?”

An Amish drive-by

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7huth6/what_goes_clipclop_clipclop_bang_bang/
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Retarded horse walks into a bar.

Must be painful; he could have jumped over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hutff/retarded_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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I tried to ask out a hot girl yesterday, but she said she had a boyfriend...

I said I had a math test.
She was a bit confused, so I said "I thought we were naming things we could cheat on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hut1z/i_tried_to_ask_out_a_hot_girl_yesterday_but_she/
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I saw a theatrical performance about puns...

It was a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hupoc/i_saw_a_theatrical_performance_about_puns/
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Did you hear they're making a low-budget version of Dunkirk?

They're calling it Dunkirkland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7huney/did_you_hear_theyre_making_a_lowbudget_version_of/
%
What's your best chatspin/chatroulette story?

Saw boobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7huftg/whats_your_best_chatspinchatroulette_story/
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I don't understand why people keep going after Trump for Russian ties

All of his ties are made in China, just look at the label!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hueof/i_dont_understand_why_people_keep_going_after/
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Donald Trump walked into a bar...

and lowered it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hue36/donald_trump_walked_into_a_bar/
%
How do you wake up Lady GaGa?

You Poker Face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hue30/how_do_you_wake_up_lady_gaga/
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I started a fried chicken joint. In order to be halal, the chickens must be killed in the traditional Islamic manner:

It's pretty hard getting the little explosive-filled vests on them, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7huda4/i_started_a_fried_chicken_joint_in_order_to_be/
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My grandfather told me this one.

A public worker goes to the doctor.
W- I’ve been feeling really tired lately and I always feel sleepy.
D- Well when did it begin?
W- It begun when they changed my work time...
D- How many hours do you work per week?
W- 35h
D- And how many hours did you work before?
W- 40h
D- See? Its those 5 hours of sleep that you have been missing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hubl1/my_grandfather_told_me_this_one/
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How much vodka does it take to kill a Russian?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hu8vy/how_much_vodka_does_it_take_to_kill_a_russian/
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A boy got sent home from school for having sex with his teacher [Long]

When his mum found out, she immediately sent the boy, named Jack, to his room and told him "Wait until your dad hears about this!"
When his father arrived, instead of flipping out as the mother expected, he was proud of his son for finally losing his virginity and getting some pussy, so he decided to take Jack out and buy him a bike he had been asking for
When they were returning from the shop, the father asked Jack if he wants to ride his new bike home, but Jack responded:
"No thanks Dad, my ass still hurts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hu87a/a_boy_got_sent_home_from_school_for_having_sex/
%
A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a bench at the park

A young boy runs by. The priest says I would like to screw him. The rabbi asks screw him out of what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hu3v6/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_sitting_on_a_bench_at/
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What happens to pathological liars when they die?

They lie still

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7htvf0/what_happens_to_pathological_liars_when_they_die/
%
An optimist and pessimist are arguing about philosophy.

The optimist declares, “This is the best of all possible worlds.” The pessimist sighs and says, “You’re right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7htst6/an_optimist_and_pessimist_are_arguing_about/
%
A dog walks into a saloon...

...and says "gimme a whiskey!" The bartender says "we don't serve dogs here." The dog looks him in the eye, says "I SAID, gimme a whiskey!!" and the bartender responds "AND I SAID, WE DON'T SERVE DOGS!", and he shoots the dog in the foot. The dog runs out yapping.
A little while later they hear the click of spurs outside the saloon. The doors swing open. The dogs walks in with a six-shooter on each hip, looks around and says "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hts5v/a_dog_walks_into_a_saloon/
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Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7htqw6/steven_hawking_came_back_from_his_first_date_in/
%
Why do cows have hooves?

They lack-toes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7htqly/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
%
I know this great joke about flying lizards...

But it tends to drag on!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7htqh9/i_know_this_great_joke_about_flying_lizards/
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Corvettes..

A mouse is walking through a forest and hears a call for help. He takes off to find the call. Down in a large hole he sees an elephant has fallen in. The mouse gets his corvette, ties a chain to the back and pulls the elephant out of the hole. The elephant thanks him and tells him if he is ever in trouble to call for help and he will return the favour. Two weeks later the mouse falls into the same hole after running from a lion. He calls out for help and as promised the elephant comes to his aid. The elephant lifts his leg and drops down his dick for the mouse to climb out. Moral of the story is, if you have a big dick, you don’t need a corvette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7htpow/corvettes/
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So I think I finally figured it out...

Apparently, he is some kind of killer clown or something?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hto55/so_i_think_i_finally_figured_it_out/
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How is Jesus like a floppy disk?

Both died and are icons of saving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hto32/how_is_jesus_like_a_floppy_disk/
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[Religion] Why do Jewish men have circumcision?

Because the women will take anything that's 20% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7htnp1/religion_why_do_jewish_men_have_circumcision/
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I went to the pub and drank 10 beers...

When I finished them I ordererd 9 beers and drank them all. After that 8 then 7 and so on. The weirdest thing was; When I drank fewer beers, I became more drunk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7htne9/i_went_to_the_pub_and_drank_10_beers/
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Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Kim jong un were driving down the road...

Donald was driving , Barack was in the passenger seat ,and Kim Jong Un  was riding in the back seat.
Trump was  going 90 miles an hour in a 60 MPH zone.
Trump notices in the rear view mirror a cop was pulling them over.
“I’m gonna need to see your license and registration” said the officer to Donald Trump.
Please don’t give me a ticket!! Pleaded president Trump
My legacy is on the line I can’t get a speeding ticket it’s unpresidential!  Trump said sternly to the officer.
“Ok” I’ll tell ya what!  Said the officer..
“My dick is 25 inches long.. if all of your dicks put together are 25 inches or longer I’ll let you go without a ticket and let you gentleman be on your way”
The officer took out a ruler and measured Trump first -
“12 inches” I’ll be damned..
Next was Barack’s turn.. the officer takes out a ruler..
“12 inches on the dot “ the officer said with a nervous look on his face..
Donald , Barack , and the officer all looked at Kim with a puzzled but confident look  knowing it may make or break the deal..
“Alright Mr. Kim Jong Un.. let’s see what ya got”
Kim pulls his pants down as the officer got the ruler ready.
“Well I’ll be damned” 1 inch on the dot ! Looks like you gentleman passed the test I’ll let you boys be on your way now”  said the officer.
2 minutes passed and trump and Barack couldn’t help notice a giant smirk on Kim Jong Un”s face as they heard a silent chuckle.
“What’s so funny?” Said Barack and The Don to Kim sitting in the back.
Kim looks at them with the fattest grin  and wipes the sweat off his forehead..
“THANK GOD I WAS HAVING A BONER!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7htnd4/donald_trump_barack_obama_and_kim_jong_un_were/
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Roses are red, my dad is black

He went to the store, but never came back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7htm89/roses_are_red_my_dad_is_black/
%
Now that No Shave November is over, I don't really want to shave off my beard

It's growing on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7htg5g/now_that_no_shave_november_is_over_i_dont_really/
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If girls with big breasts work at Hooter's, then where do girls with one leg work at?

IHOP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ht9cp/if_girls_with_big_breasts_work_at_hooters_then/
%
After much debate, scientists are still to clarify what to call the underneath of an elephant.

It’s just a huge grey area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ht542/after_much_debate_scientists_are_still_to_clarify/
%
Sex is like a confusing joke.

I don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hswq9/sex_is_like_a_confusing_joke/
%
Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hssnt/hollywood_is_remaking_brokeback_mountain_with/
%
I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend.

They say Will You and Me That will keep her busy whilst I watch football on TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hsone/i_left_three_notes_scattered_around_the_house_for/
%
Do you know the difference between an Entomologist and an Etymologist?

The Etymologist does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hsoje/do_you_know_the_difference_between_an/
%
What's the best thing for your health?

Birthdays...
The more you have, the longer you live!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hsnxj/whats_the_best_thing_for_your_health/
%
A boy and his father walk into a pharmacy store where the boy notices a pack of condoms.

The boy turns to his father and ask what condoms are, the father explains that they are used for safe sex.
The boy intrigued ask his father why do they come in different quantities per box.
The father picks up a three pack or condoms and says "well son this three pack is probably best for a senior in High School who may party on the weekends, so he has one for Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday night". The father then goes to the pack with seven condoms and says. "This pack is best for college students who plan on having sex everyday of the week.
The boy then see's a 12 pack of condoms and says "wow dad a pack with 12 who uses these"?
The father lets out a soft sign and drops his head. "Well son these are for married men, one for January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hsmpl/a_boy_and_his_father_walk_into_a_pharmacy_store/
%
Jerome comes home from third grade one day

and asks his mom, "Mom, I have the biggest dick in class, is it because I'm black?"
And his mom says, "Now Jerome, don't be a bigot. You don't have the biggest dick in the third grade because your black, it's because you're 27!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hsmgh/jerome_comes_home_from_third_grade_one_day/
%
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hsi5j/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
%
Yo mama so fat

When I pictured her in my head, the bitch broke my neck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hshmu/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
When I die I want to go just like my grandfather, peacefully in my sleep.

Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hsh1t/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_just_like_my_grandfather/
%
A man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm...

...and asks, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure we do," replied the bartender.
"Good," says the man. "I'll have a beer, and give me a lawyer for my alligator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hsbp1/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_alligator_under/
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Everyone is so politically correct these days.. you can't even say "Black Paint"...

You have to say "Tyrone, paint the god damn wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hs99j/everyone_is_so_politically_correct_these_days_you/
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America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners

Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hs8q8/americas_new_tax_plan_raises_taxes_on_coal_miners/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hs7x4/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

christian bail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hs3w8/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
When we make pizza at home it's my wife's job to shred the cheese.

She's the gratist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hrwvd/when_we_make_pizza_at_home_its_my_wifes_job_to/
%
Why do saws have teeth?

Because trees are all bark, no bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hrrej/why_do_saws_have_teeth/
%
I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hrr7e/i_heard_my_son_say_his_first_words_to_me_today/
%
I had a pet mouse named Elvis when i was a kid, but he suddenly died one day.

He got caught in a trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hrpdf/i_had_a_pet_mouse_named_elvis_when_i_was_a_kid/
%
Why doesn't a keyboard sleep?

Because it has two shifts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hroha/why_doesnt_a_keyboard_sleep/
%
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hrmvb/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
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Obama vs trump

Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
Source : Quora

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hrlhb/obama_vs_trump/
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A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.
"Take this apple."
"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."
"Trust me, try the apple."
The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"
"Yup. Turn it around."
"Wow!" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, "This side tastes like coke!"
Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in.
"Vodka and tonic please mate"
"Here's an apple."
"I don't want a fuckin' apple mate, I want a..."
"Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!" Interrupts the first customer.
He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; "Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!"
Both the barman and the first customer yell "Turn it around!" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims "Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!"
A third man saunter's up to the bar; "Pint of IPA please mate".
"Hold on!" Says the second customer. "This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!"
"Any flavour?" Asks the third man.
"Any flavour you want sir." Say the barman.
"In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!"
"Um.. alright" says the barman as he hands him an apple.
The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar.
"EEErrrughcchh!! This apple tastes like shit!!"
"TURN IT AROUND!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hrjvd/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do mathematicians commit suicide?

They hang themselves with a hypotenoose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hrguz/how_do_mathematicians_commit_suicide/
%
A psychic talk show was cancelled

Due to unforseen circumstances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hreld/a_psychic_talk_show_was_cancelled/
%
What do you call a support group for compulsive talkers?

On and on anon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hr9g1/what_do_you_call_a_support_group_for_compulsive/
%
Did you hear about the guy busted for smuggling brass instruments?

They charged him with sax trafficking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hr5gi/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_busted_for_smuggling/
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How much do people who perform circumcisions get paid?

$50/h plus tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hr2o8/how_much_do_people_who_perform_circumcisions_get/
%
A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “you’re in here alot, are you an alcoholic?”
The horse ponders for a minute and responds “I don’t think I am”
And poof he disappears
At this point a philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes’ postulate, “I think, therefore I am.”
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hr26u/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do you tell the gender of chromosomes?

You pull down their genes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hr14d/how_do_you_tell_the_gender_of_chromosomes/
%
The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset...

She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the pool boy did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hqvch/the_maid_asked_for_a_raise_and_the_wife_was_upset/
%
Sometimes at work

I like to run around holding a screwdriver, yelling "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hqtcm/sometimes_at_work/
%
A religious monk is approached by a demoness.

She tells him he must choose between three evils:
1. Kill a goat.
2. Drink alcohol.
3. Have sex with her.
Knowing they are all against his good judgment, he decides to do whichever causes the least harm, so he drinks the alcohol.
He then proceeds to kill the goat and have sex with the demoness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hqqsz/a_religious_monk_is_approached_by_a_demoness/
%
With great jokes...

Comes great repost ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hqqag/with_great_jokes/
%
A man walks into a bar

and the bartender asks "so what'll it be?"
The man sighs, and takes a seat.  After a long pause he says "I'll take a pint of ale, but after I tell you this story, you may end up buying it for me."
"Well, I guess it'd have to be one hell of a story."
"Well, you see, you know that woman up there?" He says pointing at the portrait of the queen hanging over the bar.
"You mean The Queen?"
"Yeah... well she comes from the family of Windsor."
"Yes, everyone knows that."
"Well, her great, great grandfather was an Earl in the Court of King George III."
"OK, that I didn't know...go on."
"Yes, he went and fought in the American Revolution, served in Virginia with Cornwallis."
"Fascinating."
"Well, this man led the Kings Dragoons- you know horse soldiers."
"Calvary".
"Yeah, similar in concept... those dragoons had these big, fast horses which were fearless...truly impressive beasts."
"Yeah, they still have them."
"Well, the Earls horse was the biggest, fastest and meanest of them all.  He was called pickles."
"That's not an intimidating name."
"I know, but Pickles sure made up for it with his attitude and demeanor.  Only the Earl could ride or handle him, had a nasty habit of biting the stable boys."
"Sounds like a handful."
"Yeah, especially when he got some of the devils drink in him."
"They fed him whisky?"
"No... he went and got it."
"From where?"
"The horse would just walk into the local pub."
"Really?"
"And the bartender would ask him 'Why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hqnzh/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call the Mexican airforce?

Twenty Juan Pilots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hqmg7/what_do_you_call_the_mexican_airforce/
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I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hqjdg/i_got_caught_cheating_on_my_physics_exam_furious/
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A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m

and his wife is livid.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”
"No," slurs the mathematician “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hqg08/a_mathematician_stumbles_home_drunk_at_3_am/
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What happens to liars when they die?

They lie still

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hqedh/what_happens_to_liars_when_they_die/
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What do you call a creepy old guy who hangs out at malls, and has sex with under age teens?

In Alabama, your Honor, but soon it will be "Senator".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hqdk4/what_do_you_call_a_creepy_old_guy_who_hangs_out/
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A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist bombing the plane. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage.

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hqaet/a_mathematician_is_afraid_of_flying_due_to_the/
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An MMO party walked into a bar

The barkeep asked why they carried their weapons in the bar
the party leader said "mimics"
The party laughed. The barkeep laughed. The table laughed.
We killed that table. It was a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hq4s7/an_mmo_party_walked_into_a_bar/
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Four rich men are sitting in a car on the way to a conference party...

They are talking about the wealth they pocessed. The Mexican removes his golden rings from his hands and throws them out of the window. "I have a bunch of them already, doesn't hurt to get rid some of them." says the Mexican.
The Indian then takes off his golden bracelets and throws them out of the window. "Eh, me too I have a room full of these ring collections. Maybe it's time to throw some old ones away to buy some more." says the Indian.
The Chinese doesn't want to be left behind. He takes his golden necklace with a big and shiny diamond off from his chest and throws them out of the window. "I have a house full of these cheap toys. I don't mind throw away the cheapest one." says the Chinese.
The three billionaires stared at the remaining one, the America. Being thoughtful, he slowly opens the car window to its full size. Then he grabs the Mexican and tosses him out of the window. "I have a lot of these guys working at my place, so I will just get rid one of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hq1ti/four_rich_men_are_sitting_in_a_car_on_the_way_to/
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If having a big car means you have a small dick, and having big feet means you have a big dick

Then it’s no wonder people are afraid of clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hpwul/if_having_a_big_car_means_you_have_a_small_dick/
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What if Stephen Colbert got involved in a scandal?

It would be called Colgate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hptsc/what_if_stephen_colbert_got_involved_in_a_scandal/
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Who parted the Red Sea with a permeable membrane

OsMoses
---
This just came to me. I'm afraid the real joke will be in the comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hppsw/who_parted_the_red_sea_with_a_permeable_membrane/
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How manny people work at the government?

Less then half of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hpo53/how_manny_people_work_at_the_government/
%
A missionary has spent the last few months bringing the joys of Christ to a primitive forest tribe.

He has become a friend of the people, and has taught them much. One day, one of the chieftain's many wives gives birth to an albino child. The chieftain has never seen such such a thing, and immediately assumes that his wife has been unfaithful and has been intimate with the only white man in the forest, the missionary.
Fearing for his life, the missionary begs for a chance to explain. He leads the chieftain to a small clearing and shows him a green field, with sheep grazing peacefully.
"These sheep are all white," he began. "But look, over there, do you see that sheep? His wool is black." He gave the chieftain a friendly smile. "Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?"
In a hushed voice, the chieftan solemnly replied. "I understand. You no tell, I no tell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hpo3p/a_missionary_has_spent_the_last_few_months/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man ?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hphz4/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
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I️ just realized why communist jokes usually aren’t funny...

...because everyone has to get them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hpg8x/i_just_realized_why_communist_jokes_usually_arent/
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A child and his mother go on holiday to the Vatican.

Dressed in his Tottenham shirt, Johnny excitedly awaits meeting the pope. In front of a cheering crowd, the Pope waves regally from his Pope-mobile, and Johnny clamours to the front in the hope of shaking his hand.
Alas, the Pope drives past him, and only inches ahead, stops instead next to another child, dressed in a bright red Arsenal shirt. The pope exits the Pope-mobile and walks towards the boy, leaning in and embracing him. He whispers something in the boy's ear, and leaves.
Johnny is green with envy, and begs his dear mother to buy him an Arsenal shirt.
"But Johnny," she says. "I thought you hated Arsenal!"
Johnny is adamant, and bright and early the next morning stands again in the crowd, wearing his new shirt. Once again, the Pope waves regally from his Pope-mobile, and Johnny clamours to the front in the hope of shaking his hand.
This time, the Pope-mobile slows down and comes to a stop in front of Johnny. The pope walks towards him, leaning in and embracing him.
He whispers into Johnny's ear. "I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday you little shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hpfqr/a_child_and_his_mother_go_on_holiday_to_the/
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The Popes driver

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back
to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hp9fa/the_popes_driver/
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I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hp79n/i_just_read_somewhere_that_capitalization_is_the/
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Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the fence.

As we made eye contact, he glared at me and I thought to myself, "Well, that's a little condescending!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hp5qv/today_i_saw_a_midget_prisoner_climbing_down_the/
%
A Mathematician went to the doctors because he kept seeing √-1

Apparently it was all imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hp47c/a_mathematician_went_to_the_doctors_because_he/
%
I tried my hand at being a professional scarecrow for a short while...

The pay was rubbish, even though I was out standing in my field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hp3f5/i_tried_my_hand_at_being_a_professional_scarecrow/
%
There was this man who walked into a bar..

And says to the bartender : " 10 shots of whiskey ! "
The bartender asks : " What's the matter ? "
The man says : " Well today , i found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend ."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
And again the bartender asks : " What's wrong this time ? "
The man replies : " i found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes back and orders another 15 shots of whiskey .
Bartender : " Doesn't anyone in your family like women ?? "
The man looks up and says : " Well apparently my wife does ! "
Edit : Thank you kind human being for my  first goldie  !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hp3cs/there_was_this_man_who_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Whats the temperature inside of a ton-ton?

Lukewarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hp1gt/whats_the_temperature_inside_of_a_tonton/
%
How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?

The blind start reading your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7houh3/how_can_you_tell_your_acne_is_really_starting_to/
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A little black jewish boy.

A little black Jewish boy says to his daddy, "Dad am I more black or Jewish?"
"Why do you ask?", says the Dad.
The boy says, "Well a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100 or just steal it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hou06/a_little_black_jewish_boy/
%
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hoq55/the_elderly_italian_man_went_to_his_parish_priest/
%
What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

An algae bra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7honug/what_did_the_mermaid_wear_to_her_math_class/
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They laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

Well, they aren't laughing anymore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7homh9/they_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_be_a/
%
A man notices a huge wristwatch in his friend's garden

A man notices a huge wristwatch, towering everything, in his friend's garden .
"What's with this giant wristwatch here ?", the visitor says.
The man smiles and says :
"Oh, I got it thanks to this magic lamp ! You can try it if you want !"
The man gives the Aladdin-like lamp to his friend, who rubs it and, surprise surprise, a genie comes out.
"Hello mortal," the genie says, "I will grant you one wish, but don't fool me, or you will lose that right ! So, what is your choice ?"
The man is impressed and starts to think, and quickly comes up with an idea.
"You know, I want to make movies, but I don't have anything to shoot with. So I wish for the best cam in the world !"
"Wish granted !" said the genie, vanishing while a cloud of smoke forms in the air, above the man. Delighted, he opens his hands and a clam falls from the cloud, landing in his palms.
The man is confused :
"What ? That's absolutely not what I wished for"
His friends respond, with the biggest grin on his face :  "Come on, do you really think I wished for a giant clock ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hom5l/a_man_notices_a_huge_wristwatch_in_his_friends/
%
Expensive cars and their radios.

A lady bought a new $130,000 Mercedes-AMG GT car and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and angrily began to complain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word “Jazz", and the radio changed to a station playing a Louis Armstrong Masterpiece. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio again and said “rock ‘n’ roll",the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.
A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a red light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily shouted, “Asshole!”
…The radio immediately cut over to Ajit Pai's press conference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7holgy/expensive_cars_and_their_radios/
%
I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hofga/i_took_my_son_to_see_santa_claus_yesterday_and_he/
%
Three men are walking through Saudi Arabia

They however get falsely accused for drinking and are taken to the judge who sentences them all to 50 lashes each.
The men beg and plead for mercy and fight for their innocence.
The judge takes pity and says, "I will let all of you have one wish before receiving the lashes".
The first man asks for a pillow to be attached to his back during the lashes.
However the pillow breaks after 20 lashes and he is severely hurt from the 30 others.
The second man asks for two pillows to be attached to his back but those break after 40 lashes and he is hurt from the 10 remaining.
The third man comes up.
He has a record for doing lots of work for the community and the judge is impressed.
In return the judge grants him two wishes.
His first wish was to receive two hundered lashes.
Everyone is confused.
He then tells his second wish, "I want the first guy attached to my back".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hoddu/three_men_are_walking_through_saudi_arabia/
%
Why did Jesus stop playing Hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hoc90/why_did_jesus_stop_playing_hockey/
%
Russian history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hobgt/russian_history_in_5_words/
%
How to go through intersection in a tank

1) Approach intersection
2) Check if there is another tank coming
3) Proceed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hoaah/how_to_go_through_intersection_in_a_tank/
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The Captain of the Titanic heard a massive crunch.

But that was just the tip of the iceberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ho6h1/the_captain_of_the_titanic_heard_a_massive_crunch/
%
With great power...

Comes a huge electricity bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ho58m/with_great_power/
%
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college.

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ho4ne/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
%
What do you call art related to trains?

A loco-motif

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hnxja/what_do_you_call_art_related_to_trains/
%
Nickleback times Dimebag =

50 Cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hnwgz/nickleback_times_dimebag/
%
My neighbor was very urgent when asking me for herbs.

He said that he was running out of thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hntxe/my_neighbor_was_very_urgent_when_asking_me_for/
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If Alex Trebek is accused of sexual harrasment...

his career will be in jeopardy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hnjlc/if_alex_trebek_is_accused_of_sexual_harrasment/
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What do Santa Claus and my dad have in common?

I’ve never met the real one...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hnh4y/what_do_santa_claus_and_my_dad_have_in_common/
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My ex tried to embarrass me by telling her friends I have a small dick

She was startled to find out that they all disagreed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hneh1/my_ex_tried_to_embarrass_me_by_telling_her/
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hnc01/what_did_the_left_eye_say_to_the_right_eye/
%
As a wise man once said,

"Don't quote me on this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hna8r/as_a_wise_man_once_said/
%
I wrote a book called Endless Love

It’s about a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Hellen Keller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hna5c/i_wrote_a_book_called_endless_love/
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Why do nails bang their heads?

Because they're metal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hn7eb/why_do_nails_bang_their_heads/
%
I dropped my Nokia today.

Now I'm upset because I have to replace my floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hn5nt/i_dropped_my_nokia_today/
%
Did you hear about the mathematician who was scared of negative numbers?

He'd stop at nothing to avoid them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hn4c6/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/
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What do they call internet regulation in Russia?

Nyet-neutrality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hn3eq/what_do_they_call_internet_regulation_in_russia/
%
What do the chromosomes wear?

Genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hmz1a/what_do_the_chromosomes_wear/
%
The only thing flat earthers fear

Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hmycl/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
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What do you get when you cross Queen Latifah with a dentist?

Clean LaTeetha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hmwfg/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_queen_latifah_with/
%
Global warming is funny.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hmuo3/global_warming_is_funny/
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I have sex daily

Fcuk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hms4t/i_have_sex_daily/
%
What's Whitney Huston's favorite type of coordination ?

Hand-Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyeeeeeeeee !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hmrfn/whats_whitney_hustons_favorite_type_of/
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I'm addicted to bestiality with wolves but I'm getting better.

I'm down to a pack a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hmjkt/im_addicted_to_bestiality_with_wolves_but_im/
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Today I saw two blind people fighting,

So then i shouted "i'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away.
(was told this joke yesterday thought I'd share)
Edit. Swapped 'a' for 'the'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hmglp/today_i_saw_two_blind_people_fighting/
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What is a horse politician most important issue?

A stable economy
(Incert sitcom laugh track)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hmelk/what_is_a_horse_politician_most_important_issue/
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How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?

With a Nor-Ouija board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hmdq8/how_do_you_communicate_with_the_spirit_of_a/
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How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and another to show his dick to an intern once the light's on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hm9gt/how_many_politicians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Saw a list of the top ten card games

Uno is number one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hm4x8/saw_a_list_of_the_top_ten_card_games/
%
I sat in my closed garage with the car on for 30 mins...

before I realized I shouldn't have gone with the Tesla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hm4s7/i_sat_in_my_closed_garage_with_the_car_on_for_30/
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What starts in M end in arriage and is a guys favorite thing?

Misscarrige!
That joke never gets old...Just like the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hm4kh/what_starts_in_m_end_in_arriage_and_is_a_guys/
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I was going to ask my friend what kind of car he drives

But he told me of his own accord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hm0mc/i_was_going_to_ask_my_friend_what_kind_of_car_he/
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How Long Is An Asian Name

It wasn't a question, hence the missing question mark. How Long really is an Asian name!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hlzhw/how_long_is_an_asian_name/
%
What’s a computers favorite food?

Cookies and chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hltx4/whats_a_computers_favorite_food/
%
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hln7p/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
%
Scientists just announced that dolphins are second to man in intelligence

That pushes women down to third.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hll08/scientists_just_announced_that_dolphins_are/
%
Did you hear about the new Soylant Green soda?

The taste varies from person to person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hlia5/did_you_hear_about_the_new_soylant_green_soda/
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A guy goes to prison for the first time.

After he's processed, he gets sent to his cell, where he meets his cell mate.
Cell mate: "Alright, this can go one of two ways. Either you can be the Mama Bear, or you can be the Papa Bear.
New guy: "Really? Well, if I have a choice in the matter, I'll be the Papa Bear!"
Cell mate: "Okay then, Papa Bear. Why don't you come over here and suck Mama Bear's dick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hlhz9/a_guy_goes_to_prison_for_the_first_time/
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[NSFW] I heard there was a double entendre contest going on..

So I entered my friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hle0u/nsfw_i_heard_there_was_a_double_entendre_contest/
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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hlalj/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
%
A Muslim, A Christian, A Jew, An Atheist walk into a bar.

They have a civil conversation because they are not fucking idiots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hl8rg/a_muslim_a_christian_a_jew_an_atheist_walk_into_a/
%
Jesus walks into a hotel

He throws 3 nails on the counter and says "put me up for the night"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hl7y2/jesus_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
Two alligators were on the riverbank.

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the Potomac River.&nbsp; The smaller one turned to the larger one and commented, "I don't understand why you are so much bigger than me.&nbsp;  We're the same age and we was the same size as hatchlings.&nbsp; I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm.&nbsp; Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down on the other side of the swamp, near the parking lot."
"Same here.&nbsp; Hmm.&nbsp; How do you catch them?"
"I crawl up under one of their cars and wait for one to come along and unlock their car.&nbsp; Then I jump out, grab 'em by the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em.&nbsp; Why?"
"Ah-ha!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.&nbsp; You're not getting any real nourishment, kid.&nbsp; By the time you get done shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hl13l/two_alligators_were_on_the_riverbank/
%
What do you call a couple of amino acids hanging out?

Residudes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hkwsp/what_do_you_call_a_couple_of_amino_acids_hanging/
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My therapist said some exercises would add me several years...

and he was right. I've made 15 push-ups right now and I feel like I'm 85 years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hkpeq/my_therapist_said_some_exercises_would_add_me/
%
A North Korean, United States, and Irish Politician walk into a bar.

They all order a beer. Upon going to drink them they notice a fly is floating in each of their beers.
The North Korean politician, outraged, declares war and that he will destroy the bar for allowing this to happen.
The politician from the United States declares tighter sanctions and regulations be imposed on the restaurant / bar industry immediately.
The Irish politician picks up the fly by its wings, looks it in the eye and screams, "Spit it out ye bastard!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hkmwx/a_north_korean_united_states_and_irish_politician/
%
A ghost once tried to deceive me.

But I saw right through him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hkj32/a_ghost_once_tried_to_deceive_me/
%
Its outrageous when women complain about gender bias in companies

They're just some strong independent companies that don't need no women. They should understand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hkenm/its_outrageous_when_women_complain_about_gender/
%
Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

Because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hkdpq/why_dont_churches_have_wifi/
%
An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture

and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said. Because they are considered of lesser status. Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked. What has changed? The guide answered. Land mines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hkcn3/an_investigative_journalist_went_to_afghanistan/
%
Three guys boasts about themself and their dicks in a bar

The first guy whips out his dick and proudly says
"This is why the women call me Big Bill"
The second guy whips his dick out and says
"This is why the women call me Bigger Bill!"
The third guy sits in silence for a moment, before he with a smug grin opens his pants, whips out TWO cocks and says
"Ha! This is why the women call me Chernobyl!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hkb71/three_guys_boasts_about_themself_and_their_dicks/
%
One Sunday, with one hand motion, God caused the Earth to begin to revolve around the Sun. "What should we call it when it goes all the way around?" asks Adam.

"A year," God replied.
Now, he made another hand motion, and the Earth began to rotate on a tilted axis.
"What should we call it when it rotates all the way around?" Adam asks.
God sighs and takes a seat on the grass below. "Let's call it a day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hk8wa/one_sunday_with_one_hand_motion_god_caused_the/
%
So two men head out to their greenhouse to tend to their marijuana plants

But when they enter, they're a bit shocked as a fully matured cow is just standing there, sniffing the plants.
"Holy shit!" says the one man. "How the hell did it get in here?"
But the other man looks at him in a serious way and says to him "Calm down my friend. The steaks have never been higher"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hk6q7/so_two_men_head_out_to_their_greenhouse_to_tend/
%
Blonde Logic Highlights

Blonde Logic
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!
March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June - Tried to go water skiing...couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition...learned later, other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm...car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C"...isn't it?
October -
Hate M & M's...they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December - Couldn't call 911..."duh"...there's no "eleven" button on the phone!
What a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hk5hh/blonde_logic_highlights/
%
Mom ordered me to stop acting like a flamingo

Had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hk4o7/mom_ordered_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
%
Sign Language at a construction site

These guys were working at a construction site building a multi story building. A guy on the fifth floor realizes that he needs a hammer but doesn't have one. Going down 5 floor again is too much of a hassle. So, he wants a guy on the ground to bring it up to him. He yells, but because of distance and wind, they can't hear him. So, he uses sign language. Points to his eye, then to his knee and then make hammer nailing gesture.
Guy at the ground takes his dick out and starts masturbating vigorously.
Guy on top is infuriated and frustrated. He runs down as fast has he can.
"What the hell are you doing? All I said was that I need a hammer ".
"I know. I was telling you, 'I'm coming'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hk405/sign_language_at_a_construction_site/
%
My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....

we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hjzl8/my_wife_and_i_use_the_pullout_method_for_birth/
%
What do my wife and my first vacuum cleaner have in common?

They're both old, loud, and don't suck anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hjskb/what_do_my_wife_and_my_first_vacuum_cleaner_have/
%
How many vegans does it take to eat a hamburger?

Depends if anyone is looking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hjqop/how_many_vegans_does_it_take_to_eat_a_hamburger/
%
I watched a documentary about how pickles are made.

It was jarring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hjqkl/i_watched_a_documentary_about_how_pickles_are_made/
%
I saw my coworker get crushed by glass.

It looked very paneful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hjofb/i_saw_my_coworker_get_crushed_by_glass/
%
What did the redneck parrot say?

Cracker wants a Polly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hjmzx/what_did_the_redneck_parrot_say/
%
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hjkl2/the_european_commission_has_just_announced_an/
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A certain marsupial was denied entry into a local zoo...

His curriculum-leaftae was perfect, but he lacked the koalafications

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hjgh7/a_certain_marsupial_was_denied_entry_into_a_local/
%
Three people had their car break down in the middle of the desert...

They each decided to carry something useful from their car and walk until they found civilization. The first person said “I will carry these sandwiches, so if we get hungry we can eat them.” The second person said “I will take these water bottles, so if we get thirsty we have something to drink.” The third person said “I will take the car door, so if we get hot we can roll down the window.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hjgby/three_people_had_their_car_break_down_in_the/
%
Cliff and Billy are two farmers, who have been friends their entire lives.

Billy goes to Cliff's house, but he can't find him anywhere. Just as Billy is about to leave, he walks by the barn doors and sees Cliff through the gap. Cliff has his pants around his ankles and his dick in the exhaust pipe of his old John Deere.
"What the hell are you doing?" Bill exclaims.
"Well, my wife hasn't been physical with me lately," Cliff replies, "she said I need to do something sexy to a tractor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hjd6w/cliff_and_billy_are_two_farmers_who_have_been/
%
With great reflexes...

Comes great response ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hjd2t/with_great_reflexes/
%
I don't really like threesomes...

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have a dinner with my parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hj60y/i_dont_really_like_threesomes/
%
A koala bear walks into a whorehouse...

A koala bear walks into a whorehouse, and does his thing with the prostitute. Afterwards, the prostitute demands her payment. The koala bear simply shrugs, shakes his head, then walks out.
On the second day, the koala bear does his thing with the prostitute, and she says, “Now you have to pay me for today and yesterday. It’s now 100 dollars.” The koala bear shrugs, shakes his head, then leaves.
On the third day, the koala bear walks in to see the prostitute holding a dictionary. She points to prostitute and says, “Prostitute: someone who performs sexual actions FOR MONEY.” The koala bear then takes the dictionary, flips back to koala and says, “Koala bear: an animal that eats bush and leaves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hj242/a_koala_bear_walks_into_a_whorehouse/
%
Who lead the Chinese empire into the Wi-Fi age

Emperor Ping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hj0ma/who_lead_the_chinese_empire_into_the_wifi_age/
%
A bear, a frog and a genie.

A bear and a frog found a genie in the middle of the forest. As they both found it the genie grant them 3 wishes.
"I wish for a really tasty fly to come by,"
Said the frog.
The bear looked at him amused at his dumb wish and went on to ask,
"I wish female bears preferres me over any other male bear."
The frog chuckled and wished "for a cool helmet."
The bear went red and then asked,
"I wished that all female bears loved me to death."
Before the frog could open his mouth the bear shut him up saying "Quiet, you! I obviously treasure my wishes far more then someone like you does! Genie, I wished that every bear on the earth besides myself was female."
The frog grinned, then said to the Genie,
"I wish this bear was gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hizdc/a_bear_a_frog_and_a_genie/
%
A QA Engineer walks into a bar...

Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 9999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sjfkalrtbwc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hix4s/a_qa_engineer_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hiwy7/whenever_people_tell_me_smoking_is_bad_for_me_i/
%
My favorite sexual position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hiw5c/my_favorite_sexual_position_is_the_jfk/
%
What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hisj7/what_did_adam_say_the_day_before_christmas/
%
I'm gonna name my cat Jeopardy.

So when I show it to other people I can say "This! Is! Jeopardy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7his7j/im_gonna_name_my_cat_jeopardy/
%
Why does a mermaid wear Seashells?

She grew out of her B-Shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hirm6/why_does_a_mermaid_wear_seashells/
%
Why can’t a blonde dial 911?

She can’t find the 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hirlz/why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
%
Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes I do.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Guy: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Guy: $10.00 per pack.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Guy: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a day which puts your spending per month at $900. In 1 year, it would have been $10,800. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: If 1 year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending total at $162,000. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: Do you know if you hadn't smoke, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have by now bought a Ferrari?
Guy: Oh. Do you smoke?
Lady: No.
Guy: Then where's your fucking Ferrari?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hir79/do_you_smoke/
%
A kid goes to a doctor.

The doctor asks:
"So what's your zodiac sign?"
The kid responds:
"Cancer."
The doctor:
"Oh,what a coincidence!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hir6v/a_kid_goes_to_a_doctor/
%
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day

Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for a week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hiqod/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
%
It took a lot of courage but I finally told my girlfriend I couldn't see her anymore.

And of course, just as I expected, she nagged about me always misplacing my glasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hiqm3/it_took_a_lot_of_courage_but_i_finally_told_my/
%
What did the zombie say to the prostitute?

"Keep the tip"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hiqlv/what_did_the_zombie_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
Judge: Why did you steal the car?

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”
Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hiozz/judge_why_did_you_steal_the_car/
%
What do you call a wandering primitive human?

A meanderthal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hil03/what_do_you_call_a_wandering_primitive_human/
%
What do you call it when a person will give you a hand job in return for any physical item?

Jack off all trades

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hihi5/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_person_will_give_you_a/
%
Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hic24/why_doesnt_the_united_states_have_universal/
%
What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?

Can I crash at your place tonight?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hi81i/what_did_microsoft_say_to_the_attractive_girl_in/
%
Did you hear about the two mute people who were telling each other jokes?

They laughed so hard they broke their fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hi5yw/did_you_hear_about_the_two_mute_people_who_were/
%
Why did the ghost barf all over his date?

He couldn't handle his boos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hi2qy/why_did_the_ghost_barf_all_over_his_date/
%
Don't stress if someone says you are fat

You are bigger than that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hi1at/dont_stress_if_someone_says_you_are_fat/
%
We already know Roy Moore's positions on crime and immigration. But, what about his position on children?

Missionary, mostly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hi0bx/we_already_know_roy_moores_positions_on_crime_and/
%
7

I had this strange dream the other night, July 7th to be exact. I was alone in this wide open field, and on this field was a large number seven. This confused me, and woke me up, I looked at the clock and sure enough it was seven o’clock. I thought this was strange but didn’t think too much into it, that was until I hailed a taxi and, of course it was number seven as well. I got to thinking, “how can I use this to my advantage?” So I went to the local horse track, and in the seventh race of the day, there was a horse named “Lucky Number Seven,” so I placed my bet and wouldn’t you know it,
He came in seventh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hhwg7/7/
%
A Soviet newspaper announces:

"Last night, the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station fulfilled the Five Year Plan for heat energy generation..."
"...in four microseconds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hhw0m/a_soviet_newspaper_announces/
%
A wife went to the police station with her next door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hhu97/a_wife_went_to_the_police_station_with_her_next/
%
Given the chance, I would probably have sex with a clock.

But only if time permits...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hhrtz/given_the_chance_i_would_probably_have_sex_with_a/
%
I tried arguing with the table salesman at the furniture store.

He kept making strong counter arguments, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hhlwb/i_tried_arguing_with_the_table_salesman_at_the/
%
“Sorry buddy we don’t serve time travelers here”

A time traveler walks into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hhlo2/sorry_buddy_we_dont_serve_time_travelers_here/
%
Trump should definitely build the wall...

...said no Juan ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hhl7w/trump_should_definitely_build_the_wall/
%
Do Australians have sex?

No they mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hhjbx/do_australians_have_sex/
%
How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hhgnb/how_do_you_make_a_walrus_commit_suicide/
%
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said, "Homer's a big fat guy and Marge has blue hair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hhefz/i_went_to_the_doctor_with_hearing_problems_he/
%
Don’t say coffee is better than tea in the UK

You might get mugged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hhcnm/dont_say_coffee_is_better_than_tea_in_the_uk/
%
If you stuff cocaine up your butt...

...does that make it buttcrack?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hh7oc/if_you_stuff_cocaine_up_your_butt/
%
The only thing flat earthers fear..

Is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hh7f3/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
%
Statistics show that someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds in London

Poor bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hh69u/statistics_show_that_someone_gets_stabbed_every/
%
Why did Michael Jackson shop at Walmart?

Young boys pants were always half off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hh47d/why_did_michael_jackson_shop_at_walmart/
%
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hh3rk/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
%
"Um."

--- First horse that got ridden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hh3k0/um/
%
Careful Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hh2dg/careful_monkey/
%
What's the motto of an undertaker who is a rapist and a necrophiliac?

You rape what you sew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hh2a6/whats_the_motto_of_an_undertaker_who_is_a_rapist/
%
There we were, 10 men against 10 000...

My fuck did those 10 bastards put up a fight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hgy3v/there_we_were_10_men_against_10_000/
%
What does a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

They both have a wet nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hgqvg/what_does_a_nearsighted_gynecologist_and_a_puppy/
%
Sleep joke

Why be an early bird or night owl when you can just be an insomniac and get the best of both worlds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hgq7x/sleep_joke/
%
Good worker

A man came to a job interview.
The boss asks "What do you have to offer?" and the man replies "I am a good worker." and he gets hired (I know, easiest interview ever).
Anyway, the first day of work, his boss goes to the office to check on him but he couldn't find him. He asks around if anyone has seen him, but they all say he came to the office and left immediately. The boss stormed out of the office and searched the whole building, but the new employee was nowhere to be found.
Finally, after going outside, he saw the guy relaxing on a patch of grass next to the building "Where, in the name of fuck, have you been?! I spent the entire day looking for you!" the boss screamed "Well..." the guy replies "a good worker is difficult to find these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hgq5s/good_worker/
%
I got voted “Least Likely To Succeed” by my high school class...

I hate being a teacher...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hgp4l/i_got_voted_least_likely_to_succeed_by_my_high/
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My wife suffers from a drinking problem.

“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
-
“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
-
“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hgosk/my_wife_suffers_from_a_drinking_problem/
%
Having sex with four people is called a foursome, having sex with three people is called a threesome

Now I know why people call me handsome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hgm8l/having_sex_with_four_people_is_called_a_foursome/
%
My advent calendar only has days that end in 1,3,5,7,9.

That’s odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hgjqx/my_advent_calendar_only_has_days_that_end_in_13579/
%
The fastest way to quit being vegan is...

Cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hgj3a/the_fastest_way_to_quit_being_vegan_is/
%
Two parents are with their infant child

The child says "Mother".
The mom is happy and says "He just said his first word!"
The dad says "No, he only said half a word."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hgc1y/two_parents_are_with_their_infant_child/
%
A policeman was riding his horse...

He stops a little girl riding her bike and asks "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes" she replies.
"Well, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year" and fines her 5$. The little girl looked up at the policeman and says "Nice horse you got there, did Santa bring you that too?"
The policeman chuckles and replies "He sure did!". "Well" says the little girl "tell Santa the fuckin' dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hg9y4/a_policeman_was_riding_his_horse/
%
I used to think the earth was flat...

But that was an all-round bad idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hg5vm/i_used_to_think_the_earth_was_flat/
%
What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hg1hj/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
%
Why was the baseball stadium in Poland a huge failure?

Pretty much anywhere you sat you were behind a Pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hfsqb/why_was_the_baseball_stadium_in_poland_a_huge/
%
So this guy finds a magic lamp...

This guy finds a magic lamp. Obviously, a Genie comes out of it.
*The Genie: You can make 1 wish, it can be anything. What do you desire?
*The guy: Well, I'd like to have a railroad that connects New York City and Moscow.
*The Genie: That... might be a liitle too much. Is there anything else you would like?
*The Guy: Well, if that's the case, I'd like to be able to understand Women
* The Genie: Did you want express trains as well?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hfokr/so_this_guy_finds_a_magic_lamp/
%
Thor makes mad passionate love to an Earth woman. The next night he is back, knocking at her door.

"Who is it?"
"I'm Thor!"
"*You're* thor?  I can hardly pith!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hfofj/thor_makes_mad_passionate_love_to_an_earth_woman/
%
The Deadliest Job in WW2

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hfmup/the_deadliest_job_in_ww2/
%
So a moth goes into a podiatrist's office..

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”
-Norm MacDonald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hfmoj/so_a_moth_goes_into_a_podiatrists_office/
%
Women are like puzzles

I always end up putting the wrong piece in the wrong hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hfl35/women_are_like_puzzles/
%
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you want to hear a dumb woman’s joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things... 1 - The bartender is a woman. 2 - The bouncer is a woman. 3 - The woman sitting next to me is a professional weightlifter. 4 - The lady to your right is a professional wrestler, and I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. woman with a PhD, a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says:  "Naaaah,  not if I have to  explain it five times"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hfix8/a_blind_man_enters_a_lesbian_bar_by_mistake/
%
I don't like the bumper stickers that say, "My (Dog Type) is Smarter Than Your Honor Student."

They are obviously not. Honor students will not lick peanut butter off of my balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hfi0z/i_dont_like_the_bumper_stickers_that_say_my_dog/
%
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?

Because they got a supreme ruler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hffkq/why_does_north_korea_excel_at_drawing_straight/
%
What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hfdsr/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_dating_a_blind_woman/
%
To make a fool love you, praise their intelligence...

...but you already knew that, because you're so intelligent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hf74t/to_make_a_fool_love_you_praise_their_intelligence/
%
did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

he worked it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hf523/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
And god said come forth and you shall have eternal life

But John came fifth so he won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hf2fv/and_god_said_come_forth_and_you_shall_have/
%
Nothing in life ever comes easily...

Even Santa comes with a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hessc/nothing_in_life_ever_comes_easily/
%
A ghost walks into a bar...

The ghost orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender says "I'm sorry. We don't serve spirits here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7heskd/a_ghost_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A couple were making love when

Girl: take off your condom.
Boy: Why?
Girl: Because YOLO
Boy: What does that mean?
Girl: You only live once.
Boy: Well, if you get pregnant then you're YOYO.
Girl: What does that mean?
Boy: You're on your own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7henhl/a_couple_were_making_love_when/
%
Most people get AIDS from sex

Bill Clinton got sex from aides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7helz1/most_people_get_aids_from_sex/
%
Why did 7 8 9?

Because you’re supposed to have 3 square meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hel0v/why_did_7_8_9/
%
I hate running with cars...

If you run in front of the car, you get tired
But if you run behind the car, you get exhausted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hegjh/i_hate_running_with_cars/
%
Why are republicans pro-life?

Can’t molest what isn’t born!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hegiv/why_are_republicans_prolife/
%
The easy shortcut to becoming a Nazi.

Alt + Right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7he4f2/the_easy_shortcut_to_becoming_a_nazi/
%
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7he12e/i_hope_elon_musk_never_gets_involved_in_a_scandal/
%
My personal trainer told me to eat all of my meals naked in front of a mirror to help me eat less.

It didn't do anything for me, but boy were the other people in the restaurant pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7he0qw/my_personal_trainer_told_me_to_eat_all_of_my/
%
My grandfather lived for 96 years and he never needed glasses.

He just drank from the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdzm8/my_grandfather_lived_for_96_years_and_he_never/
%
I'm sick of these people milking the EA conflict for karma!

I hope it at least gives them a sense of pride and accomplishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdygo/im_sick_of_these_people_milking_the_ea_conflict/
%
What screams "I have a question that has been asked and answered ten thousand times?"

Someone from r/AskReddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdv99/what_screams_i_have_a_question_that_has_been/
%
My dog keeps chasing kids on bikes..

It’s getting to the point where I might just take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hducv/my_dog_keeps_chasing_kids_on_bikes/
%
Rudolph the Red

There once was a young Viking named Rudolph the Red and his wife Freydis. Freydis decided to have a walk with her husband, but when she told him of her plans he took one look at the sky grunted and said it was going to rain. Freydis was confused a there were no clouds in the sky. Later on in the day when it was pouring down rain she asked her husband how he knew which he replied with “Ruldolph the Red knows rain dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdt94/rudolph_the_red/
%
A German is visiting France.

The border patrol officer asks, "name?"
Hans Mueller.
"Occupation?"
No, just visiting this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdt6f/a_german_is_visiting_france/
%
My girlfriend and I have a complex relationship.

I'm the real part and she's the imaginary part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdsn6/my_girlfriend_and_i_have_a_complex_relationship/
%
Why will Congress never impeach Hillary Clinton?

Because she didn't win the election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdrss/why_will_congress_never_impeach_hillary_clinton/
%
Why wasnt jesus born in ireland?

He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdoo0/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_ireland/
%
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache,

And suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdk32/i_hate_when_you_offer_someone_a_sincere/
%
Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdjz2/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
%
Today I'm giving away all of my dead batteries

Free of charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdjst/today_im_giving_away_all_of_my_dead_batteries/
%
i just got a bike for my wife

it was a good trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdisd/i_just_got_a_bike_for_my_wife/
%
What do you call a bunch of horses that live near each other?

Neighhhhhhhhhhbors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdg37/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_horses_that_live_near/
%
I've never heard of a lazy composter

They've usually got their shit together :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdee3/ive_never_heard_of_a_lazy_composter/
%
You can tell a lot about a girl from her feet

If they are pointed away from you during a conversation she might not like you. If they are pointed at you that's a good sign, if they are behind her ears she definitely likes you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdc78/you_can_tell_a_lot_about_a_girl_from_her_feet/
%
What do you not say to someone going on for an AIDS test?

Think positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hdbd6/what_do_you_not_say_to_someone_going_on_for_an/
%
What is an earthquake's favorite exercise?

The shake weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hd7xy/what_is_an_earthquakes_favorite_exercise/
%
A man was picking out a Christmas tree

.
When he goes to pay for it, the cashier asks him, "Will you be putting this up yourself?"
The man replies, "Quit being disgusting! I'm putting it in my living room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hd5dv/a_man_was_picking_out_a_christmas_tree/
%
What do hippie chicks and hockey players have in common?

They usually shower after three periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hd59g/what_do_hippie_chicks_and_hockey_players_have_in/
%
TIL Santa Claus is European..

North Polish to be exact

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hd1zh/til_santa_claus_is_european/
%
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the man replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hd17a/a_couple_both_age_78_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
%
Why will Trump get away with treason?

They can't hang him because of the fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hcyk9/why_will_trump_get_away_with_treason/
%
The word of the day is legs....

Spread the word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hcxkp/the_word_of_the_day_is_legs/
%
Why do melons always have traditional weddings?

Because they cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hcucf/why_do_melons_always_have_traditional_weddings/
%
What's the scariest sentence in the English language?

We're going to let the people of Alabama make the call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hcc7c/whats_the_scariest_sentence_in_the_english/
%
Say what you want about...

Deaf people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hcbwj/say_what_you_want_about/
%
Took my GF and her friends on a tour on Africa. They hated every country we visited, except for one.

Turns out girls only like Chad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hc89u/took_my_gf_and_her_friends_on_a_tour_on_africa/
%
An engineer is walking down the road...

An engineer (E1) is walking down the road and he sees his fellow engineer friend (E2) coming towards him on a bicycle.
E1: Hey man, nice bike, I didn't know you rode a bike, is it new?
E2: Crazy story how I got this bike.  I was walking down the road this morning minding my business, when a beautiful woman rides up to me on this bike.  She threw the bike down, took off all her clothes, laid down on the grass and said to me, "take what you want".
E1: Hmm... you made a good decision, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hc5qm/an_engineer_is_walking_down_the_road/
%
I went shopping with my wife.

Going down one of the aisles I noticed they had beer on sale $10 a case. I put it in the cart and she told me to put it back we couldn’t afford it.
A couple aisles later she picks up a jar of face cream for 20 dollars.
I asked how come we can afford this and not the beer.
She said this makes my face pretty.
I said so will a case of beer for half the price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hc4hl/i_went_shopping_with_my_wife/
%
What separates man from beast?

Divorce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hc3ho/what_separates_man_from_beast/
%
I know a good joke about Jonestown.

The punchline will kill you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hbwjh/i_know_a_good_joke_about_jonestown/
%
After extensive research, I've concluded that unvaccinated children will have a higher chance of not being on the Autistic Spectrum

Instead, they have a considerable higher chance of being dead...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hbvg7/after_extensive_research_ive_concluded_that/
%
Have you heard about the paranoid dyslexic?

He's afraid NASA is spying on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hbojt/have_you_heard_about_the_paranoid_dyslexic/
%
Which military man will protect your reputation despite your love of questionable online porn?

Private Browsing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hbmyn/which_military_man_will_protect_your_reputation/
%
My boss told me I needed to stop talking on the phone.

I said that's my call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hbmjy/my_boss_told_me_i_needed_to_stop_talking_on_the/
%
First Manager

If prostitution is the world's oldest profession, the world's first manager was a pimp...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hbkf5/first_manager/
%
TIL Dolphins deliberately get high on the nerve toxins of puffer fish by chewing on them and passing it around

Talk about ‘puff puff pass’, amirite?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hbic5/til_dolphins_deliberately_get_high_on_the_nerve/
%
The New York Giants held "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day."

The daughters won 27-3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hbeau/the_new_york_giants_held_bring_your_daughter_to/
%
Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hbceg/why_did_the_programmer_quit_his_job/
%
Drinking problem

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.
Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
Next night, bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man happily announces as he approaches.
Bartender thinks: "This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard previous night."
He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me again, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out.
Third night in the row, bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!" The man calls out as he approaches.
Bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: "What, no drink for ME tonight?"
The drunk looks at him and says: "Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hbakf/drinking_problem/
%
How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hazj5/how_much_does_a_pirate_pay_for_corn/
%
What’s the least spoken language

Sign Language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7havsm/whats_the_least_spoken_language/
%
Why can't a Roof get Chickenpox?

It already has the shingles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7havgv/why_cant_a_roof_get_chickenpox/
%
If I go through the trouble of making you breakfast in bed, all I ask for is a simple thank you.

Not all this "how did you get in my house" nonsense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hat8t/if_i_go_through_the_trouble_of_making_you/
%
Hey son, will you pass me that dopted?

Son: what's a dopted?
Dad: you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hasui/hey_son_will_you_pass_me_that_dopted/
%
My Girlfriend is the Square Root of -100

a Perfect 10, but also Imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7has1g/my_girlfriend_is_the_square_root_of_100/
%
The most difficult, complex, confusing, controversial, enraging, emotional, and thought provoking question of the 21st century....

Are you male or female?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hanla/the_most_difficult_complex_confusing/
%
What’s green, fuzzy, and hurts you when it falls out of a tree?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hakqx/whats_green_fuzzy_and_hurts_you_when_it_falls_out/
%
Three engineers are discussing what sort of god designed the human body.

The first says "god must be a mechanical engineer. Look at all these joints!"
The second says "nonsense! God must be an electrical engineer. The brain is made of millions of electrical connections!"
The third says "both of you are wrong! God must be a civic engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7haj7j/three_engineers_are_discussing_what_sort_of_god/
%
Little Johnny and the grave

Little Johnny is in his back yard patting down dirt on a grave. His neighbor sees this and comes over to investigate.
“Johnny what are you doing?”
Johnny replies “Burying my goldfish.”
The neighbor asks “Well that’s an awful big hole for a goldfish isn’t it?”
Little Johnny answers  “That’s because it’s inside your fucking cat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hahfp/little_johnny_and_the_grave/
%
A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife
I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours go by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7haf7c/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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The Titanic

So, not many people know, back in the 1900's mayonnaise was only made in Europe. The titanic carried 1200 cases scheduled for delivery in the port of Vera Cruz as her next dock after her stop in New York. What would have been the first largest shipment sadly went down with the ship. The Mexicans were so upset over the loss they still celebrate a day of mourning which we know now as sinko de mayo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hae9k/the_titanic/
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I've had enough of jokes about eyes.

They just keep getting cornea and cornea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hadik/ive_had_enough_of_jokes_about_eyes/
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You know why I don't trust gay people?

Because they're never straight with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hacgc/you_know_why_i_dont_trust_gay_people/
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Male or Female Fudge?

During the Holidays my Aunt comes up to me and ask if I would like some fudge. I enthusiastically agree.
>Her: "Male Fudge or Female Fudge?"
>Me: "What's the difference?"
>Her: "Male Fudge has nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7hab42/male_or_female_fudge/
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I am really glad that No Nut November is over.

A whole month without cashews was rough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7haafy/i_am_really_glad_that_no_nut_november_is_over/
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Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard

You just gotta eyeball it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7haaej/putting_on_contacts_without_a_mirror_is_hard/
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Why will the congress never impeach Trump?

Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ha91n/why_will_the_congress_never_impeach_trump/
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Me and my friend were on Chatroulette, betting on what kind of dick we'd see next.

I put it all on black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ha6bw/me_and_my_friend_were_on_chatroulette_betting_on/
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A woman gets cheated by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.
After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed by that".
The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ha6br/a_woman_gets_cheated_by_her_husband/
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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish,

But Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ha3u8/jesus_christ_fed_2000_people_with_5_loaves_of/
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What's Gordon Ramsey's favorite subreddit?

IT'S FUCKING R/AWW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ha3op/whats_gordon_ramseys_favorite_subreddit/
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LPT: When you're about to judge someone or say something bad about someone, consider walking a mile in their shoes first

That way, when you do judge them or say something bad about them, you're already a mile ahead of them... And you have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ha0xz/lpt_when_youre_about_to_judge_someone_or_say/
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What is "E.T" short for?

So he can fit into the spaceship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ha0mx/what_is_et_short_for/
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Two men walk into a bar

You would think the second man would duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9xrq/two_men_walk_into_a_bar/
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I found out what that math teacher with graph paper from yesterday’s joke was plotting....

...weapons of math instruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9u0c/i_found_out_what_that_math_teacher_with_graph/
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I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9qqu/i_used_to_go_out_with_an_english_teacher_but_she/
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A kid threw a chunk of cheddar at me today

I didn't think that was very mature.
Fortunately, it wasn't sharp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9myd/a_kid_threw_a_chunk_of_cheddar_at_me_today/
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Doing math, it's sometimes very easy to tell what you did wrong.

If you got infinity, it's even easier: You took a wrong turn. Instead of making a right turn, you took aleph one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9mc4/doing_math_its_sometimes_very_easy_to_tell_what/
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There was an incident at my school today--one of the teachers caught a boy sharpening an arrowhead under his desk. She called 911, and the police got involved.

As it turns out, though, it was just a kid knapping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9m0e/there_was_an_incident_at_my_school_todayone_of/
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Women are discussing their sex life.

- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it’s going to be when it’s ready.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9lsc/women_are_discussing_their_sex_life/
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Opinions are like assholes...

You're not allowed to show them in public anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9km9/opinions_are_like_assholes/
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I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places...

He said to stop going to those places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9jyt/i_told_my_doctor_i_broke_my_leg_in_two_places/
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There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room.

There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room. She had been doing this, and doing it well, for 45 years. She was a good nurse, always sharp as a tack, but she was getting to the point in life where she was just starting to get endearingly scatter brained. She would frequently get sidetracked mid-conversation. Things like telling a story about her dog in the middle of giving report to the next shift. The doctors and other nurses all loved her, but on a busy night they could get understandably frustrated with her.
Now the nurse's name was Ursula Rachel McConnell, and she insisted on being called Ursula Rachel. She was raised in a staunch Catholic household, and her parents always made sure she understood the importance of using her full Christian name. Ursula Rachel was a little odd, but she wasn't stupid. She knew that her name was a mouthful and sometimes there just wasn't time in an emergency to use her full name every time. So she reluctantly agreed to answer to the nickname U.R., but only in an emergency.
A new doctor had just started working in Ursula Rachel's emergency room. He was fresh out of medical school, and did everything by the book. Very no-nonsense. As such, he found Ursula Rachel's few quirks to be more annoying than most. He complained to the other doctors and nurses about her idiosyncrasies being a waste of time, but they all brushed him off, saying he would get used to her.
One night, towards the end of a particularly busy shift, Ursula Rachel answered the ambulance phone and took report from two separate crews of paramedics, both bringing in patients having heart attacks, one male, one female. They were five minutes away from the hospital. Ursula Rachel had seen thousands of heart attacks in her long career, and wasn't worried. She casually told the other nurses to get two rooms ready for them.
The new doctor happened to be working that night, and after the crazy shift he had nearly survived, he was flustered. He was moments from going home and collapsing into bed, but then he overheard Ursula Rachel say something about two heart attacks on the way. This would be his first time treating one, and he was nervous. So he walked over to Ursula Rachel and asked if he had heard her correctly. Ursula Rachel turned to him and said, "Yes, doctor. But actually, you're just the person I wanted to talk to. Maybe you could explain this. My dog was out digging in the yard earlier today and he came back inside chewing on some kind of root..."
But the doctor interrupted her. "Ursula Rachel," he said, "focus. You said there were two myocardial infarctions on the way into the hospital right now. How far out are they?"
Ursula Rachel looked down at her watch and said, "Oh, about two minutes now, doctor. But like I was saying, little Milo was chewing on a root or something and he just wouldn't stop drooling. Milo is a St. Bernard, mind you, so he's a drooler to begin with, but this was..."
And the doctor interrupted again, "Ursula Rachel, we don't have time for this. I'll take the patient going in to room 5, and Dr. Smith can handle the other one. Tell me about the myocardial infarction going into room 5."
Ursula Rachel looked at him and said, "They're on the way, doctor. But this drool just kept pouring out of poor Milo. I didn't want him to choke, so I..."
The doctor was yelling now,  "I know, I know! He drools! But the patient! I need to know about the patient! Which one am I getting?!"
Ursula Rachel scowled at him. "You're being rude, doctor. I'm trying to tell you about poor Milo's drooling and you're being a jerk."
The young doctor was completely exasperated at this point. It was nearly time to go home, and he still had a myocardial infarction to stabilize before he could sleep, and this nurse was impossible to deal with. So he finally shouted at her,
"I KNOW U.R., BUT WHAT M.I.?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9i9f/there_was_an_elderly_nurse_working_overnight_in/
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A triangle was talking to a circle

Triangle: you're pointless.
Circle: I know, that's how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9f37/a_triangle_was_talking_to_a_circle/
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Neil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9f19/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_shins/
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To be fair, Donald Trump HAS created a lot of jobs.

It’s going to take a lot of people to clean up this mess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9ea7/to_be_fair_donald_trump_has_created_a_lot_of_jobs/
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Student 1:My name is Sean Archer and my surname represents that my forefathers were Archers

Student 2 : My name is Sarah Baker and my surname represents that my forefathers were Bakers
Student 3 : My name is John Dickinson and I fucking hate this game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9dmr/student_1my_name_is_sean_archer_and_my_surname/
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The tenants said the house was haunted.

You’d think I would’ve noticed after 200 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9djk/the_tenants_said_the_house_was_haunted/
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What does the N on the Nebraska football team’s helmet stand for?

Nowledge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h9c16/what_does_the_n_on_the_nebraska_football_teams/
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What's the difference between jake paul and hitler

Hitler knew when to commit suicide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h98mi/whats_the_difference_between_jake_paul_and_hitler/
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What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h92k5/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_baked/
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A nurse pulled a suppository out of her pocket

And said "SHIT! Some arsehole has got my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h91n9/a_nurse_pulled_a_suppository_out_of_her_pocket/
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In history class today, I learned about Galileo...

I already knew that he was a poor boy, from a poor family...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h90pt/in_history_class_today_i_learned_about_galileo/
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A blonde called her mother.

Blonde : Mom, my boyfriend has dandruff. What do I do?
Mother: Just give him head & shoulders.
Blonde (after thinking for a while) : How do I give shoulders?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h8tuj/a_blonde_called_her_mother/
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I met a girl with 12 nipples today

Sounds weird, dozen tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h8tqf/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples_today/
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Why do vampires never think about the past?

Because they never reflect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h8naw/why_do_vampires_never_think_about_the_past/
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What do Margaret Thatcher and Kevin Spacey have in common?

They both fuck miners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h8n6m/what_do_margaret_thatcher_and_kevin_spacey_have/
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I recently went to the doctor. He said you have to stop masturbating.

I said Why? He said "Because I'm trying to examine you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h8mw5/i_recently_went_to_the_doctor_he_said_you_have_to/
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After the car skidded into the tree,

the first man on the scene found the driver still behind the wheel, dazed and bleeding.
“How badly are you hurt?” He enquired.
“How the hell should I know,” muttered the driver. “I’m a doctor not a lawyer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h8i8w/after_the_car_skidded_into_the_tree/
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My wife told me she is leaving me if I don't stop stealing her kitchen utensils

But that's a whisk I am willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h8i5x/my_wife_told_me_she_is_leaving_me_if_i_dont_stop/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h8g9s/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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The Republican Tax Bill Changes the Child Tax Credit and the Estate Tax

So I'll be fucked coming and going

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h8frv/the_republican_tax_bill_changes_the_child_tax/
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Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot......

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h89xi/dating_in_your_30s_is_like_looking_for_a_parking/
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Bacon has a special place within my heart.

I call it cholesterol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h89nc/bacon_has_a_special_place_within_my_heart/
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Two whales are in a bar

One whale says too the other "waoooaoooooooaoooowuooooooooooooooowaooooooouooooooooooooooooowaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooooowooooooooooaoaooaoooooooooooouoooooooooooooooooooowoowoooooooooooooooaoaooooooowuaoooooooooooowu."
Then the second whale says
"Go home Steve you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h88th/two_whales_are_in_a_bar/
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A man goes to see a prostitute

... but she admits she’s willing to do anything but sex because she’s on her period.
The man is about to leave disappointed when she tells him that she’s got a fake eye, and she can pop it out and he’s welcome to fuck her eye socket.
“Well shoot, that’s a bit weird but I don’t wanna come all the way here for nothin’”
He pays up, does his business and is amazed by how good it felt.
“I wasn’t sure at first but god damn that was great! I’ll be coming back for more!”
“Well good,” she replies, “I’ll keep an eye out for you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h87ex/a_man_goes_to_see_a_prostitute/
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As the old Catholic saying goes,

Condoms: they're what separate the men from the boys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h86d5/as_the_old_catholic_saying_goes/
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Teenage boy

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo.
Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h865p/teenage_boy/
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Two golfers...

Two golfers were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h82p5/two_golfers/
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A mushroom walks into a bar...

“Sorry, this bar is for people only,” says the bartender.
“Oh, come on,” says the mushroom. “I’m a fun guy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h7zik/a_mushroom_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h7yyo/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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I called the suicide hotline in Iraq...

The dude got all excited and asked me if i could drive a truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h7ylr/i_called_the_suicide_hotline_in_iraq/
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The Black Sheep

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them
reading, writing, maths and science. One day the wife of the tribe’s chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is
shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look here! You’re the only white man we’ve ever seen
and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!” The professor
replied, “No, Chief. You’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world
call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this
on occasion.” The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about that
sheep and I won’t say anything more about that white chil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h7y27/the_black_sheep/
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I didn't want to believe that my dentist's medical degree was fake

But the tooth hurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h7woh/i_didnt_want_to_believe_that_my_dentists_medical/
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What's the difference between the Titanic and my ex?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h7vy5/whats_the_difference_between_the_titanic_and_my_ex/
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What is the fastest animal in the world?

A chicken in a Somalian village

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h7ruf/what_is_the_fastest_animal_in_the_world/
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How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h7qr4/how_did_the_farmer_find_his_wife/
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Girls fart too

A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:
-Rocky!!
The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip. The boy’s father is getting nervous:
-Rocky!! be careful now!!
Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy’s father yells:
-Rocky! Get out of there fast! She’s gonna sh*t on you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h7k7b/girls_fart_too/
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A joke from the future (January 2021, to be precise)

One sunny day in January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Trump. I've told you already that Mr. Trump is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. *I just love hearing it*."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h7i04/a_joke_from_the_future_january_2021_to_be_precise/
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I was hit on by a linguist the other day

She asked me to conjugate, but I had to decline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h7hdy/i_was_hit_on_by_a_linguist_the_other_day/
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Some girl told me today I was odd,

I can't even...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h74xb/some_girl_told_me_today_i_was_odd/
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Ole Miss had to cancel their Living Nativity

They couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h74vs/ole_miss_had_to_cancel_their_living_nativity/
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Why is a woman like a condom?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h72b3/why_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
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What do you call a crow whose looking for friends ?

An attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h6ygg/what_do_you_call_a_crow_whose_looking_for_friends/
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Why are mushroom hunters so selfish?

Because it’s mycology, not yourcology!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h6x77/why_are_mushroom_hunters_so_selfish/
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I tried to be politically correct for the holidays this year

but "Caucasian Christmas" proved considerably harder to sing than I expected...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h6wv9/i_tried_to_be_politically_correct_for_the/
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My buddy told me that he's been sleeping with twins and the sex is amazing..

I said that's awesome, but how do you tell them apart?
"Well Diane's got nice firm tits and a shaved pussy...and Peter's got a moustache"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h6r8e/my_buddy_told_me_that_hes_been_sleeping_with/
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A biker walks into a bar...

...and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h6pob/a_biker_walks_into_a_bar/
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I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h6jzk/i_just_saw_my_math_teacher_lock_himself_in_his/
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[NSFW] The Bartender's Magic Apples

A man sits down at a bar and asks the bartender to serve him something new.
The bartender responds, "I've just gotten an order of my magic apples in. Pick any taste, and I'll serve an apple that tastes just like it."
Interested, the man asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. The bartender reaches under the bar, and comes back up with an apple. He tosses it to the man and tells him to take a bite.
"This tastes just like gin!" The man exclaims.
"Turn it over," says the bartender. "Now what do you taste?"
"This side tastes like tonic!" The man says after following the bartenders directions. He finishes the apple, then calls the bartender over.
"Say, any chance you could get me an apple that tastes just like pussy?"
"I don't see why not," replies the bartender, who quickly fetches a new apple for the man.
The man takes a bite and immediately spits it out, gagging. "This tastes like shit! What the hell!"
"Turn it over," says the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h6bpz/nsfw_the_bartenders_magic_apples/
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What’s a sheep farmer’s favorite thing about Christmas?

Fleece on Earth, Good Wool to Men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h68c8/whats_a_sheep_farmers_favorite_thing_about/
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Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word ‘dandelion’ in it.

Jamaican: Da Cheetah ran faster dandelion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h67hr/teacher_give_me_a_sentence_with_the_word/
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Once, a little boy was born with no arms.

He also had no legs, or even a torso. His parents adored him anyway and completely doted on him.
As he got older they would put him in front of the window and he would watch the other kids run and play in the park across the street. One day a doctor rocked up with radical plan for a whole body transplant and after much thought the family decided to give it a go. Months of surgeries, healing and rehab ensued but finally the little boy had a complete body and was allowed to go home. His very first request was to go and play with the kids in the park across the street and of course his loving parents agreed happily. As he joyfully ran with his new body to finally get to do what he'd always longed to, he was hit by a speeding car and killed. The moral of this story is, sometimes, you should quit while you're a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h63bo/once_a_little_boy_was_born_with_no_arms/
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What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dress man on a unicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h60h6/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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I used to be addicted to soap.

But I'm clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h5r6n/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
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Soviet Bread Line

At one of USSR's bread lines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h5qp5/soviet_bread_line/
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Dad: do you do any drugs?

Me: is love a drug?
Dad: yes, love is the most powerful drug!
Me: good because I fucking love cocaine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h5nii/dad_do_you_do_any_drugs/
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What would it take to reunite The Beatles?

2 Bullets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h5ngd/what_would_it_take_to_reunite_the_beatles/
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We have to bury my dog today.

Mom: Don't be sad. All dogs go to heaven.
Me: Thanks mom. Where does updog go?
Mom: What's up dog?
Me: Not much dog. Just looking for a shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h5k80/we_have_to_bury_my_dog_today/
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Can I sell kayak equipment if my dog peed on it?

Can I peddle a paddle if it's in a puddle of poodle piddle?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h5agh/can_i_sell_kayak_equipment_if_my_dog_peed_on_it/
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One day a teacher asked her students to use geometry in a sentence

The teacher was baffled that nobody could come up with just one sentence, and finally asked one quiet student in the back to say one... The student looked at her and said:
Once there was a little acorn and it was planted in the ground and grew and grew until one day he awoke and said "gee I'm a tree!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h59m8/one_day_a_teacher_asked_her_students_to_use/
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Gonorrhea

would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h5702/gonorrhea/
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What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirtbag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h55sk/whats_the_difference_between_a_harley_and_a_hoover/
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Did you hear about the guy that was afraid of Santa?

He was Claus-trophobic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h545z/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_was_afraid_of/
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Russian Condoms

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!" "Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President. "I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.  "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin. "No problem," replied the President. Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything. George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia." "Consider it done," said the president of the condom company. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h51xr/russian_condoms/
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What's it called when an illegal immigrant and a child molester get in a fist fight?

Alien VS predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h51sm/whats_it_called_when_an_illegal_immigrant_and_a/
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Girl, you’re like steam.

Too hot, but I’ll try touching you anyway.
^^^^^.
^^^^^.
^^^^^.
(This is just a joke. Dont actually do this.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h510c/girl_youre_like_steam/
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decided to burn lots of calories today.

so I set a fat kid on fire..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h50d2/decided_to_burn_lots_of_calories_today/
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Teach a man to fish, and he will be fed for a day

Teach a man to phish, and he becomes a nigerian prince

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h4y2l/teach_a_man_to_fish_and_he_will_be_fed_for_a_day/
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In light of recent events I figured I should apologize to the woman who I masturbated in front of without permission.

To be fair though, you should have knocked Mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h4v2a/in_light_of_recent_events_i_figured_i_should/
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What does it cost to get Santa's sleigh around the world?

8 or 9 bucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h4ref/what_does_it_cost_to_get_santas_sleigh_around_the/
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Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks.

At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon; crispy bacon; life giving, nearly raw, juicy bacon. "Hey Pepe', says the first Mexican, 'ees a bacon tree! We're saved!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.
His friend drops down on the sand and calls out to his dying friend. "Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?" With his dying breath, Pepe calls out "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree! Ees a ham bush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h4kba/two_mexicans_have_been_lost_in_the_desert_for/
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What has four wheels and flies ?

A garbage truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h4hf5/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
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a physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State building.

"Don't do it", he yelled. "You have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h4fmz/a_physicist_sees_a_young_man_about_to_jump_off/
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Racism is so stupid.

You shouldn't treat someone differently just because they're from an inferior race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h4fj5/racism_is_so_stupid/
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Hey girl, are you lice?

Because you can’t get out of my head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h4adc/hey_girl_are_you_lice/
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My epileptic son loves our new Christmas tree.

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h49os/my_epileptic_son_loves_our_new_christmas_tree/
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Why did Beethoven's girlfriend break up with him?

He would never listen to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h466s/why_did_beethovens_girlfriend_break_up_with_him/
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Nude jogger

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3udq/nude_jogger/
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The camel

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks.
He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."
The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!"
The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3twa/the_camel/
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At your age...

Teacher:
You idiots! At Your Age, Einstein Ranked First in Class. What about You???
Student:
Sir, At Your Age, Hitler Committed Suicide..! What about You???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3tm5/at_your_age/
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Alabama vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough.  So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and coun t to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3t5p/alabama_vasectomy/
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What did the Romans said when they finished the crucifixion?

Nailed it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3sl1/what_did_the_romans_said_when_they_finished_the/
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Aussie wedding mix up

A wedding occurred, in Austrailia. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a humongous fight and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting "Silence in Court." The courtroom goes silent and DANNY (the best man) stands up and says, "Your honor, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The judge agrees and asks Danny to take the stand. Danny begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in an Austrailian wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says "OK."
"Well", said Danny, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song. All of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The judge responded "God, that must have hurt!"
Danny replied "HURT! He broke three of my damn fingers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3sem/aussie_wedding_mix_up/
%
I lost my mood ring today...

I don’t know how I feel about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3p23/i_lost_my_mood_ring_today/
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Instructions how to make money with your Facebook account:

1. Open settings
2. Delete your account
3. Start working

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3odt/instructions_how_to_make_money_with_your_facebook/
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Ya know, theres a fine line between the numerator and the denominator...

Yet, only a fraction of people get this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3mn8/ya_know_theres_a_fine_line_between_the_numerator/
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The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class.

She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?"
The quick witted retort came flying back "Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3mhs/the_science_teacher_was_discussing_insects_in_her/
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What is the real argument Flat Earthers are trying to use?

2D, or not 2D? That is the question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3lgq/what_is_the_real_argument_flat_earthers_are/
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Bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve faster than light particles here.”

Tachyon walks into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3jth/bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_faster_than/
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Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an "i" in it.

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it.
Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am'
Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3jds/teacher_johnny_give_me_a_sentence_with_an_i_in_it/
%
What runs faster than a burglar with a TV?

His cousin with the DVD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3duc/what_runs_faster_than_a_burglar_with_a_tv/
%
Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3b6a/why_do_reptiles_have_so_many_scales/
%
Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?"

And we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h39w5/instead_of_whos_your_daddy_i_accidentally_said/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h38w2/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
The Romans didn't find algebra very hard

Because X was always 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h35h0/the_romans_didnt_find_algebra_very_hard/
%
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza joint...

The person behind the counter asks, "How can I help you?"
The Dalai Lama replies, "Can you make me one with everything?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h35el/the_dalai_lama_walks_into_a_pizza_joint/
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What do you call an Italian transvestite?

A grease trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h34p4/what_do_you_call_an_italian_transvestite/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was rich

I’d be in debt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h3397/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_told_me/
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A guy goes into a restaurant for breakfast at Christmas time.

After looking over the menu he orders eggs Benedict. When his breakfast arrives, it's served on a big shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter,"Whats with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h2wnh/a_guy_goes_into_a_restaurant_for_breakfast_at/
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have? 3...

His left ear, his right ear, and his Final Frontear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h2w8k/how_many_ears_does_captain_kirk_have_3/
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Last Wishes

Doug Smith lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”
“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have  accumulated all this property.”
The wife rolls her eyes and replies, “The asshole had a paper route”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h2rl5/last_wishes/
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The chemistry department cafeteria has good food, but finding a place to sit can be a challenge.

They only have periodic tables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h2qyt/the_chemistry_department_cafeteria_has_good_food/
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I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won.

I replied, "Yeah, man, you're free."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h2mqo/i_was_in_nyc_and_a_black_guy_asked_me_if_the/
%
My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2

He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h2jb8/my_grandfather_personally_killed_30_german/
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My friend helped me get a job as a marionette puppeteer.

Let's just say he had to pull a few strings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h2eng/my_friend_helped_me_get_a_job_as_a_marionette/
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Another guy walks into a bar joke

A guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too. The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here? My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave"
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon the Browns kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a touchdown?"
The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 2 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h29qu/another_guy_walks_into_a_bar_joke/
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A mother asks her Python programmer son what he wants for Christmas...

He says "I'd like 1 bike please."
So off his mother goes to buy him a bike.
Christmas morning comes, and the boy has opened all of his presents.
"Where's my other bike?!" He screams,
"I asked for 1 you only got me 0?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h27tf/a_mother_asks_her_python_programmer_son_what_he/
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I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs.

If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h25tc/i_dont_understand_the_point_of_lapdancing_clubs/
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Why did the Buddhist cashier pull coins out of his butthole?

Because change comes from within.
-Jimmy Valmer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h25f3/why_did_the_buddhist_cashier_pull_coins_out_of/
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I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible...

... I guess that makes me an 1/8 thiest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h24nr/i_only_believe_in_125_of_the_bible/
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What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler?

Phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h23cl/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
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How to spend a Sunday afternoon

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. ”There’s a car being towed from the parking lot” he shouted.
A few moments passed “An ambulance just drove by” A few moments passed. “Looks like the Andersons have company” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike”
**“The Coopers are having sex!!”**
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked “How do you know they are having sex??”
&nbsp;
“Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h22ci/how_to_spend_a_sunday_afternoon/
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Name a word with a letter in it

Envelope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h1zw3/name_a_word_with_a_letter_in_it/
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When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then, the doorbell rang and an irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h1z1t/when_four_of_santas_elves_got_sick_and_the/
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The sex toy industry could make millions during the holidays...

If they had a drive called "Toys for Twats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h1y8q/the_sex_toy_industry_could_make_millions_during/
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How do you drown a submarine full of blondes?

Knock on the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h1w21/how_do_you_drown_a_submarine_full_of_blondes/
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WARNING DAD JOKE

What did the grape say when an elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just gave a little wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h1uzg/warning_dad_joke/
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What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h1u85/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
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Teacher: What is the tense of the phrase "I am beautiful"

Student: Past

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h1ly3/teacher_what_is_the_tense_of_the_phrase_i_am/
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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h1lou/an_italian_a_scotsman_and_a_chinese_fellow/
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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h1ggn/bill_has_worked_in_a_pickle_factory_for_several/
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A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead are all shipwrecked on an island.

Suddenly, a fairy appears before them! She says,
"I will grant each of you one, and only one, wish; think carefully,"
So each of the women tries to think of a wish that would get them off the island. The Redhead decides to go first, and wishes for the ability to swim extremely fast.
"Your wish is granted," the fairy says.
The Redhead then leaps into the water, and, thinking herself to be free, starts swimming. Unfortunately, she gets tired after 10 seconds of swimming, and she is eaten by sharks.
The Brunette, seeing what happened to her friend in the water, wishes for the ability to fly.
"Granted," the fairy says.
The Brunette then flies up into the air, and starts flying towards land. Alas, she also gets tired after 10 seconds, and falls into the shark-infested water, to her death. The Blonde, seeing the other two fail, thinks long and hard about her wish... eventually, she finds one that is fool-proof; she says,
"I wish I could think like a man,"
"Your wish is granted," says the fairy.
So the Blonde gets up, turns around, and walks across the bridge to land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h1be3/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all/
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Mike and his Grandpa

Mike was 5 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked,"Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. "Well, Mike, it's called sexual intercourse."
‘Oh,’ Little Mike said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds....And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h1a48/mike_and_his_grandpa/
%
I heard this great joke about cocaine

It was so funny that I snorted a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h0zpt/i_heard_this_great_joke_about_cocaine/
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Since Tiger Woods is back in the news and it's the holiday season....

What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa stopped at 3 ho's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h0vrb/since_tiger_woods_is_back_in_the_news_and_its_the/
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Marriage defies gravity...

It's the only instance where a ring can block a hole...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h0sbu/marriage_defies_gravity/
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There are 2 types of people I hate

1. People that can’t spell
2. Hipocrites

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h0qdr/there_are_2_types_of_people_i_hate/
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Why does it take Hellen Keller two hands to masturbate?

She needs one hand to moan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h0nxh/why_does_it_take_hellen_keller_two_hands_to/
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How does a Pirate Pimp say Hello?

Yo Ho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h0mv0/how_does_a_pirate_pimp_say_hello/
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90% of the Front Page should be tagged as "NSFW"

I mean, with all these assholes showing up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h0jhg/90_of_the_front_page_should_be_tagged_as_nsfw/
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Why did the African child have a mental breakdown at age 8?

He was having his midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h0i7e/why_did_the_african_child_have_a_mental_breakdown/
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My grandma said “you’re way too reliant on technology”

I replied, “ No you are,” and pulled her life support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h0fzx/my_grandma_said_youre_way_too_reliant_on/
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Why is the printer making so many noises?

Because the papers are jamming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h0foe/why_is_the_printer_making_so_many_noises/
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A man goes to his colorectal

and says "Doc, I can't stop bleeding down there."
Doctor says, "What did you do?"
Man replies, "I tried anal sex with an elephant."
"Good Lord," the doctor says, "let's see what he did to you." He pulls down the man's pants, revealing an enormous, gaping hole.
"But isn't an elephant's penis long and very thin?"
The man says, "Yeah, well, he fingered me first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h0b1l/a_man_goes_to_his_colorectal/
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What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of 100 dollar bills?

Awreatha Franklin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h0ajo/what_do_you_call_a_christmas_wreath_made_out_of/
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Management told me in a meeting today that my language is too "insensitive"

How retarded is that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h098b/management_told_me_in_a_meeting_today_that_my/
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What did he Ghost say to the bee?

Boobie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h06nd/what_did_he_ghost_say_to_the_bee/
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Jesus is watching you

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h0617/jesus_is_watching_you/
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What Do You Call A Poor Zimbabwe Citizen?

A trillionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h04rl/what_do_you_call_a_poor_zimbabwe_citizen/
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What's the difference between a 14-year old girl and a Ferrari?

Roy Moore doesn't have a Ferrari in his basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h02rn/whats_the_difference_between_a_14year_old_girl/
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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens

It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7h0218/a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo_right_before/
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How did Trump propose to Putin?

He went to Jared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gzyv6/how_did_trump_propose_to_putin/
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A penguin walks into an airport...

A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gzxie/a_penguin_walks_into_an_airport/
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What do breads do when they read a good post on r/jokes?

They repost.
Haha you thought i was gonna say "loaf".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gzvyn/what_do_breads_do_when_they_read_a_good_post_on/
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What do you call a doctor who is on call 24/7?

An oncologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gzs9h/what_do_you_call_a_doctor_who_is_on_call_247/
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A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear.

After a few hours in the forest, he finally sees a giant grizzly. He gets the bear in the rifle's sight and is about to pull the trigger when he feels a tap on his shoulder. It's another bear.
“Buddy,” the bear says, “that's my best friend down there. I can rip your head off right now, or you can suck my dick. What's it gonna be?”
Fearing for his life, the hunter says, “I'll suck your dick, Mr. Bear.”
The next day, hungry for revenge, the hunter returns to the woods and sees the same bear. But as soon as he lines up the bear in his sights, he feels a tap on his shoulder.
“Buddy,” says the bear. “Today, I can rip your head off or you can fuck me in the ass.”
Again fearing for his life, the hunter replies, 'I'll fuck you in the ass, Mr. Bear.”
The next day, furious at what has happened to him, the hunter returns to the forest in order to kill the same bear. Once again, he gets the bear in his rifle sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
The bear shakes his head at the hunter and says, “You don't come here for the hunting do you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gzrxy/a_guy_goes_out_one_day_hunting_for_bear/
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I hate double standards...

Hell I hate standards, I'd have sex with alot more women if they didn't have them. Jerks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gzrx8/i_hate_double_standards/
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What’s more memorable than a passionate kiss?

A stab wound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gzngv/whats_more_memorable_than_a_passionate_kiss/
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So Donald Trump walks into a bar...

and lowers it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gzm8e/so_donald_trump_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do you know that your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gzl1t/how_do_you_know_that_your_wife_is_dead/
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What's the strongest smelling vegetable there is?

A Roma tomato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gzimt/whats_the_strongest_smelling_vegetable_there_is/
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I’ve dedicated my life to find my wife’s murderer.

If you can recommend someone, let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gzec6/ive_dedicated_my_life_to_find_my_wifes_murderer/
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What is the brand of underwear that Thor uses?

Ass guard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gzdnq/what_is_the_brand_of_underwear_that_thor_uses/
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Cracking open a cold one with the boys

has a different meaning when you work in a morgue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gzdm8/cracking_open_a_cold_one_with_the_boys/
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I used a store discount card to scrape the ice off my windshield.

I only managed to get 20% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gzceu/i_used_a_store_discount_card_to_scrape_the_ice/
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My cocky friend told me the other day that he gets a boner when he sees himself in the mirror..

I let him know that his dick thinks he's a cunt too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gz4z1/my_cocky_friend_told_me_the_other_day_that_he/
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What's DJ Khaled's favorite number?

11
Because it has ANOTHER ONE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gz2zy/whats_dj_khaleds_favorite_number/
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My gay friend decided he wanted to quit being gay...

So he bought himself a pack of nicorette patches and he puts them on his weiner. It's working pretty well, he's down to two butts a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gz0fu/my_gay_friend_decided_he_wanted_to_quit_being_gay/
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I lost my watch in a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over there, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gyzsh/i_lost_my_watch_in_a_party_once/
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I was propositioned by a man on the internet (NSFW)

He asked me if I'd push apple pips up his bum while he had sex with my mum.. what a seedy arsed mother fucker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gyts8/i_was_propositioned_by_a_man_on_the_internet_nsfw/
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What does a perverted ghost say?

Booooobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gysuk/what_does_a_perverted_ghost_say/
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Why is the subreddit for Arkansas r/Arkansas?

Because there was already an r/kansas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gyslt/why_is_the_subreddit_for_arkansas_rarkansas/
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Communist jokes aren’t funny...

Unless everybody gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gyrtl/communist_jokes_arent_funny/
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A guy takes a shot at a bar and looks in his shirt pocket

. He calls the bartender over and asks for another shot. Again, he downs the shot and looks back in his pocket.
He  continues to do this and the bartender finally says, “Every time I️ pour you a shot, you down it, look in your pocket and order another. What’s in your pocket? “
The guy responds, “A picture of my wife. When she starts to look good I’ll head home.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gyqr9/a_guy_takes_a_shot_at_a_bar_and_looks_in_his/
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After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire…

"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your calibre?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gyph2/after_a_long_career_of_being_blasted_into_a_net/
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How do you turn a kitten into a cow?

You marry her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gyp52/how_do_you_turn_a_kitten_into_a_cow/
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I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gymuy/i_just_read_a_joke_about_oedipus_and_midas/
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Mickey and Minnie Mouse were getting divorced

The judge said "You can't just divorce Minnie because she's crazy", to which Mickey replies with, "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's fucking goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gyiy2/mickey_and_minnie_mouse_were_getting_divorced/
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What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gyfse/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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Why Do Cows Have Hooves Instead of Feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gyfj4/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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*mikedrop

Where do DJ's go for information?
They go to Wiki-wiki-wikipedia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gxwj9/mikedrop/
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Why are 5 - 9 suspicious of the government?

They're afraid of being rounded up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gxv3e/why_are_5_9_suspicious_of_the_government/
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The only thing flat earthers fear..

Is sphere itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gxutd/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
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A moth goes to the dentist.

"Come in," says the dentist, "What's the problem?"
The moth drops down into the chair and says "What's the problem? I don't even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I'm too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I've gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we've ever had to face in this region. Isn't it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn't that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there's my son. Doc, I don't love him anymore. I don't know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn't such a coward, Doc, I know I'd be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrel in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I'd be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I'm judgmental yet I care about nothing. I'm bitter, hateful and afraid. I'm alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease."
The dentist stares at him for a while then finally says "Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I'm a dentist. You need a psychiatrist. Why did you come in here?"
The moth says, “Your light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gxm3m/a_moth_goes_to_the_dentist/
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Sometimes when I'm bored I'll convert vector images into bitmaps

But I really should stop procrasternating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gxlz9/sometimes_when_im_bored_ill_convert_vector_images/
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They told me I had Lexiadys when i was a kid..

But I couldn't understand what they were trying to tell me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gxjej/they_told_me_i_had_lexiadys_when_i_was_a_kid/
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Why did the guitarist get sent to jail?

He was caught fingering Minors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gxiaj/why_did_the_guitarist_get_sent_to_jail/
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Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gxft5/bringing_her_home_to_meet_mother/
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What did one nut say while chasing another nut?

I’m a Cashew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gxaqv/what_did_one_nut_say_while_chasing_another_nut/
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Son of a Bitch

Girl: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done, my child?”
Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”
Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”
Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he touched my breast.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!” (after a few minutes)
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “But father, he had herpes!”
Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gx9nc/son_of_a_bitch/
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A very old veteran is telling a war story to his grandkids...

"So... My commander told me I was volunteering for scouting the area... So I grabbed my gun and went. After maybe two miles crawling in the mud, I fell into a hole and lost my rifle. As I got up, I found myself unarmed in front of 5 german soldiers! And then.... I shat my pants....
-That's understandable grandpa... You were scared. What happened next?
-No... I mean I shat my pants right fucking now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gx9iw/a_very_old_veteran_is_telling_a_war_story_to_his/
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Why does everyone try to discredit Flat Earthers?

It's like there's a global conspiracy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gx8hs/why_does_everyone_try_to_discredit_flat_earthers/
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I saw a poster that said, 'Have you seen my cat?

I rang the number and told them I haven’t.
I like to help where I can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gx8cy/i_saw_a_poster_that_said_have_you_seen_my_cat/
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What do turkeys like to walk on?

Cobble cobble cobble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gx6ol/what_do_turkeys_like_to_walk_on/
%
A guy goes to hell...

And as Satan is walking him through, they go through a room with a bunch of clocks on the wall.
“What are these for?” The man asks.
“These are the lives of politicians, every time they tell a lie, the clock ticks back,” Satan Replies.
“See,” Satan says, “There’s Gary Johnson’s” he says as it ticks back.
“And there’s Hillary Clinton’s” as hers ticks back.
“Where’s Donald Trump’s?” The man asks?
Satan says, “Oh, I keep that one in my office. I use it as a ceiling fan”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gx5y9/a_guy_goes_to_hell/
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I farted in front of my female friend..

She got mad and I said "what?! a little gas never hurt anyone"
Apparently you cant say that to a Jew...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gx4cc/i_farted_in_front_of_my_female_friend/
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Elon Musk

People always talk about how great of an entrepreneur Elon Musk is but he's yet to create a cologne called Elon's Musk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gx4ae/elon_musk/
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What's the difference between a good joke

and a bad joke timing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gx0bn/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke/
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Wife: What is ethereal?!

Me: It’s what Mike Tyson has big bowl of every morning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gwyc1/wife_what_is_ethereal/
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A tank crew is hard at work fixing a broken track...

When a beautiful pixie approaches them from behind. "What are you boys doing?" asked the Pixie. "Can't you see we're fucking with the track?!" replied an angered crewman. "Would you boys want to get fucked for real?" Asked the Pixie in a mischievous voice?
The crew drops the track and turns to the Pixie grinning "Of course" they reply.
And at that moment, the tank's turret fell off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gwy0l/a_tank_crew_is_hard_at_work_fixing_a_broken_track/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?

Because the P is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gwxt1/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_urinate/
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Why is the Stranger Things Christmas special going to be lame?

Noel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gwxhv/why_is_the_stranger_things_christmas_special/
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A boy was nervous about his first date

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, and so went to his father for advice.
"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then remembers his father's advice and asks the girl,
"Do you like potato pancakes?"
"No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card:
"If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gwsyp/a_boy_was_nervous_about_his_first_date/
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What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nazi?

There, Their, They're

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gwq5t/what_do_you_say_when_you_are_comforting_a_grammar/
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Why do people like scat porn?

They must have pretty shit taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gwlw4/why_do_people_like_scat_porn/
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On a scale of 1-10...

What's your favorite color of the alphabet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gwjxr/on_a_scale_of_110/
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I once swallowed two pieces of string and an hour later they came out of my ass tied together

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gwgyj/i_once_swallowed_two_pieces_of_string_and_an_hour/
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A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gwg99/a_feminist_told_me_about_the_dwayne_johnson_rule/
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If you have an E85 tune on a Cobb accessport

You officially have corn on the cobb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gw9vr/if_you_have_an_e85_tune_on_a_cobb_accessport/
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What is Avogadro's favorite dip?

Guaca-mole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gw7t7/what_is_avogadros_favorite_dip/
%
Why did 7 eat 9?

Because you should always eat three squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gw5c4/why_did_7_eat_9/
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A YouTuber becomes a doctor...

This surgery is sponsored by Blue Apron!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gw10y/a_youtuber_becomes_a_doctor/
%
The first rule of psychic club.

Don't think about psychic club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gvywm/the_first_rule_of_psychic_club/
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To play devil’s advocate on this whole Net Neutrality thing...

He’s sure looking forward to meeting Ajit Pai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gvyw1/to_play_devils_advocate_on_this_whole_net/
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Do you know which president has the cleanest record

Lincoln, he was in a cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gvyrm/do_you_know_which_president_has_the_cleanest/
%
What is it called when one biologist steals a petri dish from another biologist?

Cultural appropriation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gvykx/what_is_it_called_when_one_biologist_steals_a/
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Where does Mike Flynn do his grocery shopping?

Traitor Joe’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gvuvc/where_does_mike_flynn_do_his_grocery_shopping/
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So there's a fly...

and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, "is there a gnat on my back?"
The gnat says, "gnat at all."
The fly says, "that's the worst pun I've ever heard."
The gnat goes, "what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gvtuu/so_theres_a_fly/
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I will do something good for my country in year 2018

I will leave the country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gvskc/i_will_do_something_good_for_my_country_in_year/
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I was mopping and my boss asked why the floors were all covered in water

"Just gettin' her wet first. You know, a little floor-play"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gvnu5/i_was_mopping_and_my_boss_asked_why_the_floors/
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The front page should be marked as NSFW

With all these senator assholes popping up I might as well be on a porn site

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gvmlv/the_front_page_should_be_marked_as_nsfw/
%
What do you call security guards for Samsung?

Guardians of the galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gvljv/what_do_you_call_security_guards_for_samsung/
%
An old Jewish couple, Harry and Sadie, were married for 35 years but never got along...

...One day around this time of year, he says to her, "So? I suppose you'll be wanting a Hanukkah present?"
She says to him, "Harry, I want a divorce."
Harry says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gvd31/an_old_jewish_couple_harry_and_sadie_were_married/
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Dear Satan...

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gv06j/dear_satan/
%
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so...

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7guzsn/i_recall_my_first_time_with_a_condom_i_was_16_or/
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Got an email from boredhousewife423 saying she was looking for some action

I sent her my laundry.  That'll give her something to do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gutot/got_an_email_from_boredhousewife423_saying_she/
%
I saw this guy trying to hit on a Cheetah

Just then I thought “He’s trying to pull a fast one”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gunhp/i_saw_this_guy_trying_to_hit_on_a_cheetah/
%
What did the cheap cigar say to the bag of weed?

May I be blunt with you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gunds/what_did_the_cheap_cigar_say_to_the_bag_of_weed/
%
I was watching anime the other day when all of a sudden my mom walks in.

I quickly switched it porn so she wouldn't think I'm a weirdo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gun34/i_was_watching_anime_the_other_day_when_all_of_a/
%
A blind and a crippled man go to a bullfight

At the bullfight, the announcer says:
- Let's have a contest now. The brave man who dares to face the bull will receive $500.
When the cripple heard this, he said to his friend,
- 500$! That's a lot of money, shall we?
To which the blind responds:
- Are you a fool? You being a cripple and I blind, we would not have any chance.
And then the cripple says:
- No .. I have an idea. We'll go, you stay behind me. As soon as the bull is coming, I'll push you to one side, jump to the other, and we get the money!
The blind thinks this is a good idea and then decides to join him.
They go. As soon as the bull is approaching, the cripple realizes that being crippled, he will not have time to push his friend and also escape, so that he decides to abandon his friend  and save himself.
The bull comes with all the force and beats against the blind throwing him 5 meters behind.
The blind man goes to the hospital and the cripple decides to visit him.
- Here's your $250, says the cripple
- Thank you, but do not push me so hard the next time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gumbs/a_blind_and_a_crippled_man_go_to_a_bullfight/
%
Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gulk0/trump_merkel_and_kim_jongun_are_in_the_middle/
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What's your biggest weakness?

Interviewer: What's your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.
Interviewer: Can you give me an example?
Me: Yes, I can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7guh2q/whats_your_biggest_weakness/
%
I watched Die Hard the other day...

Was disappointed. The movie had *nothing* to do with autoerotic asphyxiation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gufbz/i_watched_die_hard_the_other_day/
%
Yo momma is so dumb

She thought ass to mouth was a form of cpr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7guckm/yo_momma_is_so_dumb/
%
The police asked me if I would take a lie detector...

I said yes and now I've been charged with conspiracy to commit theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7guchn/the_police_asked_me_if_i_would_take_a_lie_detector/
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I came up with this joke during lunch break: What do you call a jewish obstacle course?

Shlalom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gubu2/i_came_up_with_this_joke_during_lunch_break_what/
%
A farmer walks into his house with a sheep under his arm.

He finds his wife and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking for the past 10 years."
The wife looks at him, confused, and says, "Dear, you're holding a sheep."
The farmer replies, "I was talking to the sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gu9c9/a_farmer_walks_into_his_house_with_a_sheep_under/
%
What is a chameleon that cannot change color?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gu7ph/what_is_a_chameleon_that_cannot_change_color/
%
Good sex or bad sex?

Two women are talking:
“How was the sex last night?” one asks.
“A catastrophe! My husband came from work, had dinner in 3 minutes, after we had 4 minutes sex, he was deep sleep 2 minutes after! That fucker! And yours, How was it? “
”My, was AMAZING! My husband took me out for a nice restaurant, after this we came back to home on a nice 1 hour walk. When we got home, after 1 hour of foreplays in candle lights, we had 1 hour sex and after this we speak for more one hour!”
Two man are talking in work:
“So How was the sex yesterday?”
“Man, was one of the best days of my married life! When I got home, dinner was in the table, after eat, my wife and me had a quickie, and then I slept as a rock! And your?”
“A fucking disaster! When I got home, we are out of power. So I had to take my wife out for dinner; the food was so expensive that I got no money left for taxi, so we had to walk 1 hour home. When we got home, power was out yet, so I had to light some candles. I was so fucking stress that I needed 1hour to make my fellow stand up, and another hour to finish the business. I was so anger that I couldn’t sleep, and had to deal with an infinite talk, fuck that night man!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gu4q6/good_sex_or_bad_sex/
%
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.

The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gu44l/a_father_and_his_6yearold_son_are_walking_down/
%
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "$1".
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender
"Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gu25k/a_guy_walks_into_the_bar_of_a_restaurant_and_goes/
%
So this guy is doing his groceries

when suddenly the manager comes up to him and says: "congratulations, You are our 100th customer! Today, your groceries will be completely free of charge!" He then decides to spend the money he just saved at a computer store. He hardly entered the store or the manager runs up to him and yells: "congratulations, you are our 1000th customer! Here's $1000 dollars, you can spend it anywhere you like!"
He decides to spend his money in the best place he can think of.
When he arrives at the nearest brothel, he is greeted by the madam: "Sir, this is your lucky day. You are our 10000th customer! Pick any girl you like, free of charge!"
Since cost was not a problem anymore, the man decided to pick one of the exotic girls and settled on a beautiful indian lady, dot on her forehead and all. After a while, he is on top of her, but the dot on her forehead is starting to bother him. He decides to scratch it off, and whaddayaknow; won a refrigirator too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gtzjy/so_this_guy_is_doing_his_groceries/
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What do you call a goblin who specializes in blood magic?

A hemogoblin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gtvkv/what_do_you_call_a_goblin_who_specializes_in/
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Did you know people did drugs in the Bible?

That guy Stephen got stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gtumh/did_you_know_people_did_drugs_in_the_bible/
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Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?

Ireland’s.
Every year it’s Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gttnm/which_countrys_capital_is_the_fastest_growing/
%
Space heaters are such a waste of electricity

I’m on Earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gtoli/space_heaters_are_such_a_waste_of_electricity/
%
Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you're gonna go blind

Umm... dad, I'm over here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gtdv0/son_if_you_dont_stop_masturbating_youre_gonna_go/
%
How did the Israeli get his coffee?

Hebrew'd it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gt9t8/how_did_the_israeli_get_his_coffee/
%
With the advancement of self driving cars

One could say, In Soviet Russia, you drive car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gt3a7/with_the_advancement_of_self_driving_cars/
%
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day.

If you give my wife a fish she’ll say it’s not what she ordered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gt28l/if_you_give_a_man_a_fish_hell_eat_for_a_day/
%
My religious friend told me I was going to hell.

I was about as worried as he was when I told him he was going to Azkaban

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gt1gz/my_religious_friend_told_me_i_was_going_to_hell/
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Innkeeper: "The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed." Guest: "I'll make my own bed."

"Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gt0vd/innkeeper_the_room_is_15_a_night_its_5_if_you/
%
So my pal asked Siri why he's still single..

Siri activated the front camera

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gt01t/so_my_pal_asked_siri_why_hes_still_single/
%
What language does the moisturizer speak?

Laotian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gsz9f/what_language_does_the_moisturizer_speak/
%
How long does it take to steep Chinese tea?

Oolong time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gsz58/how_long_does_it_take_to_steep_chinese_tea/
%
Why dont they allow harpoons in dolphin hospitals?

It defeats the porpoise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gsxdg/why_dont_they_allow_harpoons_in_dolphin_hospitals/
%
Aussies dont have sex

They MATE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gswkd/aussies_dont_have_sex/
%
What does Melania Trump do after she shaves her pussy?

She powders his cheeks and sends him off to play golf!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gsvn0/what_does_melania_trump_do_after_she_shaves_her/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gsqaa/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
Someone tapped me on the shoulder today then did a double-take and said, "Sorry, I thought you were someone else!"

I said, "I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gsn1n/someone_tapped_me_on_the_shoulder_today_then_did/
%
What did O say to Q?

Hey, your dick is hanging out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gsjdo/what_did_o_say_to_q/
%
A true story..

Broken Hill, Australia after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.  An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
Dear Broken Hill High School,
God bless you for the beautiful wireless I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the St Anne's Nursing Home for the Aged. All my family has passed away so I'm all alone.
I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own wireless; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her wireless fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f**k off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gshzo/a_true_story/
%
Stalking is when two people are going for a romantic walk together

but only one of them knows about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gsfub/stalking_is_when_two_people_are_going_for_a/
%
What do you call a Chipotle Employee?

A burrista.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gscnm/what_do_you_call_a_chipotle_employee/
%
A man wasn't sure which of three women he wanted to marry, so he gave each $10,000 to see how they used it.

The first woman went to the store, bought the man new clothes, new furniture, and new electronics for his man cave.  The man was impressed.
The second woman put the money in the bank, to show how responsible and thrifty she was.  Again, the man was impressed.
The third woman invested the money and turned the $10,000 into $20,000.  Again, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a moment about how each woman had handled the money, and then he married the one with the largest boobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gs91f/a_man_wasnt_sure_which_of_three_women_he_wanted/
%
A doctor told me I was colorblind

But I don't trust purple people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gs71t/a_doctor_told_me_i_was_colorblind/
%
What do Black Holes and the Catholic Church have in common?

They both have a lot of mass that you cannot escape!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gryox/what_do_black_holes_and_the_catholic_church_have/
%
Wait so since there's self driving cars now...

It's only natural that a country singer writes a song about his truck leaving him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gryfu/wait_so_since_theres_self_driving_cars_now/
%
The sky was dark, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I.

Her hair was brown, her eyes were blue, I knew just what, she wanted to do.
So with my hand, I did my best, I ran my hand across her chest.
Her body was good, her hair was fine, I ran my hand across her spine, I felt a shock, I felt her heart, slowly she spread her legs apart,
I knew she was ready, but I didn't know how, for this was my first time milking a cow.
(A poem by u/loman23.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7grrrf/the_sky_was_dark_the_moon_was_high_we_were/
%
Glasses

Man: My grandfather lived for 96 years and he never used glasses.
Woman: Yes, I know, some people in my family also drink directly from the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7grqro/glasses/
%
Weinstein, C.K., Lauer...

I think this "Dicks out for Harambe" thing is getting out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7grnll/weinstein_ck_lauer/
%
Wanna know what you never ask a Scotsman?

Who wears the pants in the family?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7grj87/wanna_know_what_you_never_ask_a_scotsman/
%
Where does a poor meatball live?

In the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7grhg1/where_does_a_poor_meatball_live/
%
What did one Egyptian say to the other when they farted at the same time?

Looks like we've got a Tutankhamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7grgaa/what_did_one_egyptian_say_to_the_other_when_they/
%
‘‘Twas the night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7grap7/twas_the_night_before_christmas/
%
We're told men with large feet have large dicks and men with big cars have small dicks

You would almost think these stereotypes were conceived by clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gr8nh/were_told_men_with_large_feet_have_large_dicks/
%
Cheesecake

God: (creates cheesecake)
God: (While stuffing his face in front of the angels) Oh wow! This is so great!
Angel: Don’t you think you should be sharing that?
—pause—
God:(creates lactose intolerance)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gr7xy/cheesecake/
%
Wanna know what really divides people?

knives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gr6zo/wanna_know_what_really_divides_people/
%
Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gr5zz/isnt_it_annoying_when_engineering_students_call/
%
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.

Ba-dum-tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gr4bd/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fell_off_a_cliff/
%
Should Ryan Reynolds star as Gatsby in The Great Gatsby reboot?

I mean he has already been green lantern AND deadpool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gr1cr/should_ryan_reynolds_star_as_gatsby_in_the_great/
%
Caesar: Veni, vidi, vici!

Roy Moore: Vidi, vici, veni.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gr01z/caesar_veni_vidi_vici/
%
A boy stands before a judge

His parents are divorcing, and the judge asks him to choose where to live.
“Do you want to live with your dad?” asks the judge.
“No, because he beats me” replies the boy.
“Would you like to live with your mother?”
“No, she beats me too. I want to live with Eli Manning.”
Confused, the judge asks “Why do you want to live with Manning?”
“Because he doesn’t beat anybody.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gqxc1/a_boy_stands_before_a_judge/
%
Hey baby are you a communist?

Because I can feel an uprising in my lower class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gqrjx/hey_baby_are_you_a_communist/
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Give a child a plastic toy and they'll play for a day.

Give a child a plastic bag and they'll play for the rest of their lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gqr6v/give_a_child_a_plastic_toy_and_theyll_play_for_a/
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What was the first orgy called?

The big BANG

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gqmnn/what_was_the_first_orgy_called/
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Mummy, can I wear a bra now that I'm sixteen?

No, David.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gqjq1/mummy_can_i_wear_a_bra_now_that_im_sixteen/
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A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gqb4p/a_horse_is_sitting_at_home_watching_mtv/
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A couple of elementary school students are returning from recess...

A couple of elementary school students are returning from recess. Their teacher, curious how they had spent their time at recess, asks them what they had been doing.
"Jimmy, what did you do during recess?" the teacher asks.
"Well, I was playing in the sandbox with some of my friends!" says Jimmy.
"That's great Jimmy! Now, if you can spell 'sand' for me, I'll give you a cookie!" says the teacher.
"S-A-N-D" says Jimmy.
"Great job Jimmy, have a cookie!" says the teacher.
"Now Sarah, what did you do during recess?" asks the teacher.
"I was playing with Jimmy in the sandbox!" says Sarah.
"Good for you Sarah! Now if you can spell 'box' for me, I'll give you a cookie too!" says the teacher.
"B-O-X" says Sarah.
"Great job Sarah, have a cookie!" says the teacher.
The teacher then turns around to see one of her other students crying at his desk.
"Why are you crying? Did something happen during recess?" asks the teacher.
"I was trying to play with Sarah and Jimmy in the sandbox, but then they started throwing rocks at me and told me to go away!" the student says.
"I'm so sorry to hear that Muhammad! That sounds like racial discrimination!" says the teacher.
"Now Muhammad, if you can spell 'racial discrimination' for me, I'll give you a cookie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gqb0y/a_couple_of_elementary_school_students_are/
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What do Japanese cannibals eat?

Raw-men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gq5b8/what_do_japanese_cannibals_eat/
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It's the 1950s, and four Russians come to Moscow after a long trip...

They check in a hotel; Ivan is trying to sleep, while his three friends start drinking and talking. Ivan asks them to stop several times, but they just ignore him.
Soon, they get really drunk and start telling political jokes; they laugh so noisily after each one that Ivan, really pissed off now, sneaks out to the lobby and tells the concierge: "Listen, send four hot teas to our room, but do it in exactly three minutes from now."
He returns to the room and tells his drunk friends: "Guys, stop with those jokes. You know the KGB is always listening everywhere. Someone will hear you and we'll all get in trouble."
"Yeah, right!" they shout. "The KGB, listening to us in the hotel! Grow up, Ivan, stop talking crap!"
"I'll bet I'm right," Ivan says. "Here, I'll show you!" He walks over to the mirror on the wall and shouts: "Comrade lieutenant! Could we have four hot teas, please?"
The three drunks just laugh at him, but a minute later, there's a knock on the door, and the hotel service brings in four teas. The drunks get pale and immediately shut up and go to beds.
Ivan sleeps happily; in the morning, he wakes up and sees that the room is empty. Puzzled, he goes down.
"Excuse me, have my friends left without me?" he asks. The concierge coughs uneasily.
"You could say that," he says. "The KGB came in and took them at 5 AM or so."
Ivan stares at him with wide eyes. All he can think of saying is: "But, but... why didn't they take me?"
"Well," the concierge says, "their lieutenant said that he really liked your little tea joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gq3ft/its_the_1950s_and_four_russians_come_to_moscow/
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What do you call it when a hooker farts?

A prosti-toot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gq25g/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_hooker_farts/
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Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school.

She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gpuw1/josey_wasnt_the_best_pupil_at_sunday_school/
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What did the shy pebble want to be?

A little boulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gpp13/what_did_the_shy_pebble_want_to_be/
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Two condoms walk past a gay bar

Hey want to get shit face?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gpj01/two_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
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Drinking non alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister

Sure it may taste the same but it's just not right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gpg5o/drinking_non_alcoholic_beer_is_like_going_down_on/
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A son and his dad

A son calls his dad and asked, “Dad, do you remember the butterfly I killed and how you told me no butter for a week?”
The dad responds with,”Yeah”
The boy then says, “And when i killed that honeybee, you said no honey for a week?”
The father says, “Okay, that was a month ago, so what?”
The son says,”Mom just killed a cockroach, should I break it to her?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gpcnp/a_son_and_his_dad/
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About the issue of celebrities getting their nudes leaked...

On one hand, I fell really bad for them as that's their reputation on the line and possibly their career.
On the other hand however, well, that hand was busy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gpbz2/about_the_issue_of_celebrities_getting_their/
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A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gpa44/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar_and_find_his_way_to_a/
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Pig in the cinema

So this guy goes to the cinema to watch a film and there's a pig sat next to him.
Surprised, he says to the pig, "what are you doing here??"
"Well," responds the pig, turning to look at the man, "I liked the book"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gp6ku/pig_in_the_cinema/
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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"
"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"
"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"
"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"
"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gp5ar/a_scotsman_an_englishman_and_an_irishman_are/
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Shout out

to all the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gp4xr/shout_out/
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How do you get a baby in a blender?

Feet first. How do you get them out? Fritos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gp4wq/how_do_you_get_a_baby_in_a_blender/
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I was offered sex...

In Thailand, I was offered sex with a 21 years old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gp2f0/i_was_offered_sex/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gp14f/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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What do you call a cheap TV?

A screen saver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7govh8/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_tv/
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Sperm banks are like torrents

They both want your seed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gormz/sperm_banks_are_like_torrents/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

Trump has never paid to see a garbanzo bean on a bed the Obamas slept in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gocab/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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3 boys find a 5 dollar bill on the sidewalk

and try to decide how to spend it.
The first boy says "we should go buy a comic book". The other 2 decide against it, realizing that once they've read it, they'll have nothing left.
The second boy says "we should go buy candy". The other 2 decide against it, realizing that much candy will give them upset stomachs.
The 3rd boy says "I know! We can buy a box of tampons! According to the commercials, with it we can go horseback riding, swimming, biking, jogging..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7go2wk/3_boys_find_a_5_dollar_bill_on_the_sidewalk/
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A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant .
He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.
The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7go2nj/a_young_naval_officer_was_in_a_terrible_car/
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How can you tell if a cow is successful?

When it's outstanding in its field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7go0uj/how_can_you_tell_if_a_cow_is_successful/
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Teacher

: "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: "Who just threw that?"
Boy: "Me, and now I’m going home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gnxgx/teacher/
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So this businessman gets in trouble

This businessman gets in trouble at the airport when he sees that he cannot carry a hair straightener that he bought for his wife with him because it isn't allowed on the plane. So he thinks of a solution. He sees that a priest is standing behind him.
Turning to him he says, "Father please take care of this for me". The father ,being benevolent, stuffs the hair straightener in the front of his robes.
When he is about to be checked, the officer on duty notices that the priest is getting nervous so he asks him teasingly, "Anything to say, father?"
The father goes, "I have nothing to declare from my top to my waist".
Getting suspicious the officer responds, "And what do you  have to declare from your waist down to your feet?"
The father says, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman but which is yo date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the officer lets the priest go and yells for the next one to come forward.
PS: This is my first time posting so if y'all could just ignore the grammatical mistakes, that would be appreciated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gnvnw/so_this_businessman_gets_in_trouble/
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I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.

after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gnulj/i_told_god_a_holocaust_joke_he_didnt_laugh/
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A Flat earther, a feminist and a vegan are sitting at the bar...

I only know that Coz they won’t shut the fuck up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gntcy/a_flat_earther_a_feminist_and_a_vegan_are_sitting/
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What kind of shoes does a child molester wear?

White vans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gnqfj/what_kind_of_shoes_does_a_child_molester_wear/
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A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

He sits down and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender says, "I'll give your drink if you tell me why there's a steering wheel in your pants."
The man says, "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gnlbc/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel_in/
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The soviet union actually made the best bread in the world.

People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gnhnr/the_soviet_union_actually_made_the_best_bread_in/
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What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to go down a hill?

Walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gnhie/whats_harry_potters_favorite_way_to_go_down_a_hill/
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When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I said...

"Don't worry. Lots of single mums have happy lives."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gnbqu/when_my_girlfriend_told_me_she_was_pregnant_i_said/
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I would make a joke about meat...

But I'm afraid I might butcher it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gnatg/i_would_make_a_joke_about_meat/
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Hey! I was going to tell you a belt joke but...

I didn't want to waist your time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gn5ci/hey_i_was_going_to_tell_you_a_belt_joke_but/
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I heard that when a girl likes you she laughs at all your jokes, whether or not they are funny...

So I thought that all the girls loved me.
Turns out I'm just hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gn4ul/i_heard_that_when_a_girl_likes_you_she_laughs_at/
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What did the oceans say when they met?

Nothing, they just waved at eachother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gn0vw/what_did_the_oceans_say_when_they_met/
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My kid was boarding the wrong flight when he asked me, "What's another name for onboard luggage?"

I said, "Carry-on, my wayward son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmuzu/my_kid_was_boarding_the_wrong_flight_when_he/
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A man travelling through Arizona stops at a small town and goes into a bar

He stands at the end of the bar and lights up a cigar. As he sips his drink, he stands there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he's blown nine or ten smoke rings, an angry Indian comes up to him and says, "Listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me names, I'll smash your face in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmumh/a_man_travelling_through_arizona_stops_at_a_small/
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A Mobster's son fails his exam

Mobster asks him what happened. "They questioned me for three hours," says the kid, "but I told them nothing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmug0/a_mobsters_son_fails_his_exam/
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Why is Santa so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Told to me by an old man while buying a box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmt6p/why_is_santa_so_jolly/
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My dad says this all the time about woman with large butts.

She's got an hourglass figure,  with all 60 minutes at the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmsjz/my_dad_says_this_all_the_time_about_woman_with/
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I slept like a log last night.

I woke up in the fireplace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gms10/i_slept_like_a_log_last_night/
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What do you call a male cow that keeps falling asleep?

A bulldozer.
I just made this up. I apologize for my self and my entire ancestory that led to this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmnl2/what_do_you_call_a_male_cow_that_keeps_falling/
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Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station.

After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded, "Earthling! Take me to your leader!"
The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded, "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remained silent.
Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the captain who wanted a report.
"I contacted an earthling - but he would not cooperate."
"Hmmm. I will deal with this earthling myself," said the captain.
"Yes sir. Be careful sir, I have a feeling there could be trouble."
The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump. "Earthling, you will cooperate. Take me to your leader."
The gas pump remained unresponsive.
"Very well." The captain drew his blaster. "If you do not respond by the count of three, I shall be forced to fire on you......One. Two. Three!" ZZZZZT!
WHAM! The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien ass over tea kettle. The captain jumped up and got back to the ship as fast as his whatever's would propel him.
"Quickly! Make ready to depart!" shouted the captain.
"Yes sir. What happened sir?"
"I fired on the earthling and it responded very forcefully," replied the captain.
"Sorry sir, I was afraid that might happen."
"How did you know that there would be trouble?" the captain asked.
"Well sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his dick, wrap it around himself three times and stick it in his ear was probably going to be one mean bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmkkx/late_one_night_an_alien_spacecraft_landed_near_a/
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How much does it cost to run Santa's sleigh every Christmas?

Eight bucks
Nine bucks if the weather is bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmkhd/how_much_does_it_cost_to_run_santas_sleigh_every/
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What kind of organization is Atheism?

A non-prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmjul/what_kind_of_organization_is_atheism/
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Why does the Easter bunny hide the eggs?

He doesn't want anyone to know he's been screwing the chickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmiuk/why_does_the_easter_bunny_hide_the_eggs/
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A guy goes to the doctor to talk about his balls

The doctor calls him in and asks what the problem is.
The guys says, "It's a little embarrassing but one of my balls is bigger than the other." The doctor says, "That's not at all embarrassing. It's a very common issue. Let's have a look at them."
The guy says, "Well ok but only if you promise not to laugh." The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh. I see this type of thing all the time."
So the guy unzips, sticks both hands inside his pants and pulls out this enormous testicle and flops it on the doctor's desk. The doctor can't control himself and bursts out laughing.
The guy is obviously hurt and offended and says, "Well that's it. I'm definitely not going to show you the big one now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmhrv/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_to_talk_about_his_balls/
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I watched a great documentary on the life of an ironworker

It was riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmhlw/i_watched_a_great_documentary_on_the_life_of_an/
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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "I don't know, but the flippin' Pope is his driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmgpe/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
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A man walks into a butchers's shop

and says to the butcher "Oi mate! Are you a gambling man?
The butcher says "Yes, I'm a gambling man".
So the guy says "Alrighty, I bet you £20 you can't touch that piece of meat hanging above your head!"
So the butcher looks up.
He looks down, and back at the man.
"I'm sorry" says the butcher, "I can't take that bet".
"Why not?" says the man, "I thought you were a gambling man?"
"I am" says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmg0f/a_man_walks_into_a_butcherss_shop/
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Black panties

Jane lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't got out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Jane says she'll go out and finds a date.
They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.
On their first night there, she undresses, so does he.
There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, while he is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit...except that he has a black condom over his erection. She looks at him and asks,
"What's with the black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmdj2/black_panties/
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Laughing Dog

A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it.
When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said:
" I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film.
"So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmayo/laughing_dog/
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gmaof/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
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A Fairy Tale

After his daughter is cursed by the dark fairy, Maleficent, King Stefan summons his royal carpenters and commands them to make the finest, most comfortable bed in all the land.
"It will be done, Your Majesty," replies the master builder. "Does His Majesty prefer a queen or a king?"
"A king, since you asked," whispers Stefan, "…but don't tell that to the queen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gm8dk/a_fairy_tale/
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You know you’re getting old...

When the priests don’t even look at you anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gm7x8/you_know_youre_getting_old/
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How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

on a plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gm7od/how_does_a_flat_earther_travel_the_world/
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One day, Hitler, Pol Pot and George W Bush are..

together in hell sitting around a campfire. They are telling each other stories from the time they were alive and having a great time laughing over the evil things they have done.
As the night goes on, they get into a discussion about who might be the vilest, most evil and most universally despised human being in modern history. The discussion starts heating up and finally Hitler stands up and says, "I murdered 6 million Jews! I started a world War that claimed millions of lives! I am so universally hated, my name AND my moustache is now taboo! Therefore I must be the vilest and most evil person in the world!"
Hearing that, Pol Pot speaks up and says, "I executed the genocide of an entire country! I gathered up all the intellectuals in my country and murdered them. My country was scarred for decades as they struggled to recover from my reign. Therefore, I must be the vilest and most evil person in the world!"
Then George W Bush pipes up, "You guys are full of shit. I started a modern war completely out of the thin air for oil! Terrorists from Afghanistan attacked us and I in turn attacked a completely different country! Countless American lives and Iraqi civilians were butchered in the name of a nonsense war for the greed of a few. Therefore, I must be the vilest, most evil and most universally hated person in the world! "
They argued for hours over who of them might be the vilest, most evil and most hated person in the world. Finally exasperated, Pol pot says, "look, to settle this once and for all, I will go to Satan and ask him who is the vilest, most evil and most universally hated person in the world. He is the devil after all, he should know". After 10 mins, Pol Pot returns with the most confused look in his face and asks the rest,
"Who the fuck is this Ajit Pai...? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gm73b/one_day_hitler_pol_pot_and_george_w_bush_are/
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"I live life on the edge!"

-- Humpty Dumpty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gm70t/i_live_life_on_the_edge/
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I asked my friend about his bad experience with Mexican food.

He said he didn't want to taco about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gm2e2/i_asked_my_friend_about_his_bad_experience_with/
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Why was the bass player arrested?

He was caught fingering A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7glziv/why_was_the_bass_player_arrested/
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Problems in bed

A man and his wife have been having some problems in bed so one day the woman tells her husband, "Maybe you should get some pills to help you out."
He agrees.
When he gets home from work she asks him if he got the pills.
He replies, "Yeah, here you go," and with this he throws her a bottle of diet pills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7glww5/problems_in_bed/
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A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor are sitting in a bar, across the street from a brothel.

They are sipping their drinks when they see a rabbi walk in to the brothel. "Oy! It's awful to see a man of the cloth give into temptation", says the rabbi.
A short while later, they see a pastor walk into the brothel. "Damn! It's terrible to see a man of the cloth give into such temptation", says the pastor.
In a little bit, they see a priest enter the brothel.
"It's nice to see the ladies, who have been used so poorly, have time to confess their sins", says the priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7glw0v/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_pastor_are_sitting_in_a/
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I dyed my hair...

I mean, I killed my rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7glqc3/i_dyed_my_hair/
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What's Long and Hard and full of seamen?

The Pacific theatre of WW2!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7glq5f/whats_long_and_hard_and_full_of_seamen/
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Hey, boss, my salary is not compatible with my skills!

I know that, but I can't let you starve to death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7glot0/hey_boss_my_salary_is_not_compatible_with_my/
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What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag?

A: "What did you name the other one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7glop0/what_did_the_blonde_customer_say_after_reading/
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How does NASA organise a party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7glll0/how_does_nasa_organise_a_party/
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Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day

Give a fish a man and he’ll eat for a month

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gll4r/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...

I mean, imagine all the peepholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7glh95/wouldnt_it_have_been_amazing_if_john_lennon_had/
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Shopping for singles

I went to a small grocery shop. I am on my way to pay and look for a line. I suddenly notice one young and pretty cashier with almost empty line so I go for it. I start to unload my groceries on a tilt. One pack of hard cigarettes, 6 beers, frozen pizza, some bacon and chocolate bars.
The cashier smiles at me and says: ''You are single, right?''
Little shocked I reply with a smile ''Yes... why? Did my selection of grocery gave it away?''
''No, you are ugly as f*ck.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7glck8/shopping_for_singles/
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What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7glbs5/what_has_two_legs_and_bleeds_profusely/
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The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 280 characters

So Trump can't tweet it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gl5u2/the_pentagon_is_changing_the_nuclear_codes_to/
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Marriage is the only war....

.....where you sleep with your enemy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gl1n0/marriage_is_the_only_war/
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Why didn't the Egyptian woman think she was pretty?

Because she was in denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gkwdx/why_didnt_the_egyptian_woman_think_she_was_pretty/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip

. After dinner they set up the tent and retired for the night, going to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
-WIZDOM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gkrxv/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_decide_to_go_on_a/
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I'd never been on a London double decker, didn't have any money but told the driver I was dying to get on

He looked me dead in the eye and said "Life isn't fare."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gkpee/id_never_been_on_a_london_double_decker_didnt/
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What can be both noble and deadly?

Argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gkjw1/what_can_be_both_noble_and_deadly/
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A lawyer claims that his client had been trapped inside a penny...

...and that said client was in a cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gkjp4/a_lawyer_claims_that_his_client_had_been_trapped/
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My wife told me that she’s getting fed up of my boring facts.

“I find them very interesting,” I said.
“Well, who gives a flying fuck?” She said angrily.
“Dragonflies,” I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gkhmw/my_wife_told_me_that_shes_getting_fed_up_of_my/
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A rabbi goes to visit his friend the priest.

Although they had made plans to meet, the priest is still in the confessional, and there is a list of about 20 women waiting. The priest tells the rabbi to join him in the booth as it is going to take a while.
A woman comes in. "Father I have sinned."
"What is it my child?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Twice"
"Donate $20 to the church and say two hail Marys and your sins will be forgiven."
"Thank you father," and she exits.
Another woman comes in. "Father I have sinned."
"What is it my child?"
"I  cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Five times"
"Donate $50 to the church and say five hail Marys and your sins will be forgiven."
"Thank you father," and she exits.
After about 10 of these, the priest needs to pee, so he tells the rabbi, "can you take over for a bit, I really need to pee, you must have picked up what to do - it's probably going to be more of the same."
"Sure," says the rabbi.
So the priest goes off to pee. A woman comes in.
"Father I have sinned."
"What is it my child?" the rabbi says.
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times"
"Donate $100 to the church and say ten hail Marys and you have 7 more times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gkg2i/a_rabbi_goes_to_visit_his_friend_the_priest/
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I took a video of my symptoms that suggested a bacterial infection

it turned out to be viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gkdk8/i_took_a_video_of_my_symptoms_that_suggested_a/
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A blind guy walks into a store with a seeing-eye dog.

All of a sudden he grabs the dog by the tail and start spinning it around over his head. Horrified, a shopkeeper rushes over to him and says sir, sir are you OK?
The blind guy says sure, I’m just looking around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gkc44/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_store_with_a_seeingeye/
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15 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash

Now we have no jobs, no hope, and no cash.
Don't die on us now Kevin Bacon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gkbvt/15_years_ago_we_had_steve_jobs_bob_hope_and/
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How come pencils are unable to have children?

It's because they have a rubber at the end. [heard this from a friend who heard it from a 90 year old man]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gkbpx/how_come_pencils_are_unable_to_have_children/
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God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”
Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives
“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules... you’re not allowed in unless you’ve had like a really bad day”
The man doesn’t pause before screaming:
“Bad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now and I decided to come home at lunch and catch her in the act. So I go up to my apartment on the 10th floor and I nearly bust straight in. Anyway she’s lying on the couch, naked and screaming at me! I can’t find the guy anywhere, until I go outside on the balcony and there’s this guy, naked, holding on to the balcony floor. And he’s screaming at me too! Well next thing I go into this rage... I just stomp on his hands and he falls the ten storeys. But at the bottom these branches break his fall, and he starts to get up! He’s alive! So I grab the nearest thing, our fridge, and I haul it out onto the edge of the balcony and lever t over the railing, sending it right at him. I don’t know what happened next though cause I gave myself a heart attack while doing it!”
Peter nods “wow yeah that is rough. In ya come”. The next guy in line walks up, naked
“Hey so yeah, new rules, you have to have had a bad day to get in”
“Well let me tell ya. I was home sick from work and I just got out of the shower. Anyway I walked out onto my balcony of my fifteen floor apartment to get some fresh air. A gust of wind whipped my towel off and I reached out to grab it... but I ended up falling over the edge! Luckily I managed to turn mid-air and grab onto this balcony. So I am hanging there, screaming for someone to help me when this god damn mad man comes running out and starts stamping on my fingers! I then fall ten storeys, but I’m saved! All these branches in these trees at the bottom slowly break my fall. I was just getting my bearings when I look up and a fridge is flying at my face”
Peter nods... perplexed... “wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds rough, in ya go... next”
This other guy walks up, and Peter says “same as the last two, you’ve had to have had a bad day to get in”
The guy looks at him and goes
“Okay. So imagine this. You’re naked inside a fridge”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gkb51/god_notices_heaven_is_getting_a_bit_crowded/
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A guy has a talking dog.

He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gk4uw/a_guy_has_a_talking_dog/
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If I had a dollar for every gender there is...

I'd have 2 and a whole bunch of counterfeits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gk2wv/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender_there_is/
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Just imagine life without women...

It'd be a pain in the butt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gk21m/just_imagine_life_without_women/
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What is 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gjyqs/what_is_69/
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How does a tree handle an awkward situation?

It leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gjyfn/how_does_a_tree_handle_an_awkward_situation/
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What's the difference between princess Diana and my computer

I care when my computer crashes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gjn3t/whats_the_difference_between_princess_diana_and/
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Man thinks he has all the power...

...but the power comes from the socket, not from the plug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gjmw0/man_thinks_he_has_all_the_power/
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William Hated His Time in the Army

He was always worried for his life when they yelled “Fire at Will!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gjmqz/william_hated_his_time_in_the_army/
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How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The lightbulb has to *want* to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gjmlj/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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My friend didn't understand my ocean puns

I guess I should have been more pacific.
I'll sea myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gjmkw/my_friend_didnt_understand_my_ocean_puns/
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What's the difference between today's politics and a bad joke?

Hard to find the difference, isn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gjfmj/whats_the_difference_between_todays_politics_and/
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Today I woke up early

I quietly put on my clothes, made coffee. I took my golf clubs and went slowly into the garage. I put the clubs in the car and pulled the car out of the garage under torrential rain.
The road was totally flooded and the icy wind blew at 50 km per hour. I went back to the garage, turned on the radio, and heard that the weather would have lasted all day.
So I went back home, took off my clothes and quietly slipped back to bed. Slowly I approached my wife and, holding her, I whispered in her ear: "the weather outside is horrible!"
Half asleep she replied: "Yes I know …Can you believe  my dumb husband went out to play golf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gjbe1/today_i_woke_up_early/
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Watermelons are the most philosophical fruit...

Cause they're like, "Watermelons"
@caredee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gjba2/watermelons_are_the_most_philosophical_fruit/
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How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

$0, it's on the house.
**people keep saying dad joke, funny thing is my mom actually told me this 😂**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gjb0n/how_much_does_santas_sleigh_cost/
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Equal pay for women is not where it needs to be.

Whatever Beyonce is making, I want that.
Twitter @caredee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gj784/equal_pay_for_women_is_not_where_it_needs_to_be/
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I would make a joke about nets

But it has a ton of holes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gj0re/i_would_make_a_joke_about_nets/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are driving in a car.

The brunette mentions that Christmas falls on a friday this year. The blonde says "I hope it's not Friday the 13th!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gj0pn/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_red_head_are_driving_in/
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Not Just A Nymph...But A Nympho [OC] (hopefully)

There's a poor farm family, Father, Mother and three sons. They make a very difficult living on a rocky farm, barely growing enough to survive. It's a hard life, teetering on the edge of disaster.
They have a cow, and it makes all the difference. She's a great producer of milk, and they are able to trade the milk and cheese to their neighbors for the little things they need.
One day, at sunrise, Mother wakes and looking out the window, sees the cow laying at the base of a tree. Panicked, she runs out, and sure enough, the cow is lifeless. Distraught, she hangs herself from a tree branch with an apron string.
Father wakes, and unable to find Mother, is worried, and ventures out to look for her, shotgun in hand. He finds the dead cow, and the body of his wife, and it's too much. He tucks the shotgun under his chin and pulls the trigger.
The oldest son wakes, sees the carnage, and runs to the stream that runs through the farm, after fetching a length of rope from the barn. He is by the riverbank, with the rope around his neck, tying a boulder with the other end of the rope.
A beautiful nymph appears. She asks, "What are you doing?"
He replies, "My parents are dead, the cow is dead, and I am going to drown myself."
She makes an offer. "I'm not just a nymph, I am a nympho, too. If you can fuck me three times in an hour, I will bring them all back to life. But if you can't, I will drown you in my stream."
The son thinks about it, and agrees. What has he got to lose? He was going to drown himself anyway.
He fucks the nymph once, no problem. The second time, he struggles, but gets there. The third time, he fails before the hour is up, and she drowns him.
The middle son wakes, sees his parents and the cow, goes to the stream, and sees his brother dead, too. He takes the rope and ties it to his neck.
The nymph reappears, and makes the same offer. Same result, the middle son can't make it happen three times within the hour, and she drowns him.
The youngest son sees the same scenario, and also heads for the stream.
"I'm not just a nymph, I'm a nympho, and if you can fuck me three times in an hour, I will bring your family back to life."
The youngest son looks at her, thinks a moment, then asks, "What if I fuck you FOUR times in an hour. What then?"
The nymph, shocked (but excited) replies, "Why, then I will bring your family back to life, and I will show you where there is a buried treasure worth enough to pay off the debt on the farm."
"Sounds good," replies the youngest son. "how about FIVE times?"
The nymph is astounded. "I bring your family back to life, you get the buried treasure, AND they discover oil in the back 40."
"You've got a deal," the son replies, and undresses. The nymph gasps as he removes his pants, and she sees his huge manhood. The son starts toward her, but pauses.
"What's the matter?" she asks.
"Wait a minute," he ponders. "How do I know that fucking you five times in an hour won't kill you...like it killed that stupid cow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7giyuo/not_just_a_nymphbut_a_nympho_oc_hopefully/
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If George Washington was alive today, he’d probably say

“Why am I in a coffin?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gixuw/if_george_washington_was_alive_today_hed_probably/
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a texan, a frenchman, and a new yorker get kidnapped by cannabals

the cannabal chief says:
"We're going to eat you and use your skins to build a canoe. But we are not without compassion, we will let you choose how you die."
"I would like a knife" said the texan
the texan got the knife and slit his throat.
"remember the alamo" he said before dying.
the frenchman then said
"give me a sword"
so the cannables gave him a sword stolen from previous explorers and the frenchman stuck it through his chest. his last words were "viva la france!"
the new yorker said "gimme an nail"
they look at him funny, but they gave him a nail. he poked over 500 times, oozing blood, screaming in pain.
the cannibal chief said
"the other two had last words, what are yours?"
the new yorker smiles and laughs:
"there goes your fucking canoe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gitxv/a_texan_a_frenchman_and_a_new_yorker_get/
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How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gitio/how_many_emo_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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The Pope enjoyed a walk around the Vatican every afternoon.

One afternoon as he is walking in a quiet area, he pulls up his robe and begins to masturbate. Just as he is reaching climax, he hears a click, and turns to see a Japanese tourist snapping pictures. Walking over, the pontiff says "Boy that's a nice camera. Would you consider selling it to me?" The tourist declines, and the pope says, "I'll give you $5,000." Eagerly the tourist accepts the offer and the pope hurries back to St Peters with the camera. A passing cardinal remarks, "Is that one of those new Japanese cameras? What did you pay for it?" "$5,000", blurts out the pope. "Wow!" Says the cardinal. "They must've seen you coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ginh5/the_pope_enjoyed_a_walk_around_the_vatican_every/
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Sometimes, I use big words I don’t always fully understand.

In an effort to make myself look more photosynthesis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gim1u/sometimes_i_use_big_words_i_dont_always_fully/
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Did you ever hear about the un-funny clown?

He tried ten times to make the audience laugh, but no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gii4h/did_you_ever_hear_about_the_unfunny_clown/
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A man walks in on his wife having cybersex

Husband: What the hell are you doing?!
Wife: I'm sorry but I needed the money and I get paid $250/hour doing this!
Husband: How could you do this to me?! Why didn't you tell me?!
Wife: I'm sorry, I was afraid that you'd be mad, mad like you are now!
Husband: Of course I'm mad! You just left me to slave away at my job when all this time I could've been making $250/hour.
*The wife fainted*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gihbt/a_man_walks_in_on_his_wife_having_cybersex/
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What do you call someone that doesn’t eat animal products and loves to gamble?

A Las Vegan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gifvi/what_do_you_call_someone_that_doesnt_eat_animal/
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gids2/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey

But I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gidnu/i_was_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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Why is Santa Claus's sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7giac2/why_is_santa_clauss_sack_so_big/
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Does anyone know who this Rorschach guy is?

He keeps drawing pictures of my parents fighting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gia3w/does_anyone_know_who_this_rorschach_guy_is/
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Sex ed students often ask me, "Does peeing in a girl's vagina get her pregnant?"

It's a common misconception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gi46s/sex_ed_students_often_ask_me_does_peeing_in_a/
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What does the peg-legged lesbian pirate say to her girlfriend when she's in the mood?

Scissor me timbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ghzag/what_does_the_peglegged_lesbian_pirate_say_to_her/
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I'm 23 and I haven't had my periods yet. My little sis js 17 and had her periods since 13. I feel ashamed to talk to my friends because I don’t know if I have a problem...

Or does it take longer when you're a boy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ghy73/im_23_and_i_havent_had_my_periods_yet_my_little/
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I don't want to hear any more classical Christmas music

I seriously can't handel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ghxtk/i_dont_want_to_hear_any_more_classical_christmas/
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Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said "Die, heretic!" and pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ghxpl/once_i_saw_a_man_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
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My ex used to call me Snapchat....

Because I'd only last for 10 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ghvao/my_ex_used_to_call_me_snapchat/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ghonn/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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The sassy student

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “arguments” and confrontations.
One day, Mr Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, “Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.” Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.
Mr Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. “Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?”
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.”
Mr Peters, smiling sarcastically said, “I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don’t you think?”
Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have.”
Mr Peters, by this time, was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.
A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, “Mr Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gho5r/the_sassy_student/
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What’s a $2100 perfume?

A Scent of Pride and Accomplishment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ghmw0/whats_a_2100_perfume/
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What is hitlers favorite video game?

Meinkraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ghle1/what_is_hitlers_favorite_video_game/
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What happens to a frog when it breaks down?

It gets TOAD away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ghkmb/what_happens_to_a_frog_when_it_breaks_down/
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Why did the arsonist quit starting fires?

He got burned out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ghi0m/why_did_the_arsonist_quit_starting_fires/
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I just fired my massage therapist

she rubbed me the wrong way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ghhz2/i_just_fired_my_massage_therapist/
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I have CDO.

Which is like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order like they should be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ghglw/i_have_cdo/
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Why did princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ghdie/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
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Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet

but most have just four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gh742/crocodiles_can_grow_up_to_20_feet/
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Wife told her husband

A man’s wife comes up to him and tells him, “Take off my shirt.” So he does.
She then tells him, “Take off my skirt and high heels.” So he does.
Then she tells him, “Take off my bra and underwear.” So he does.
Finally she tells him, “I better never find you wearing my clothes again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gh5zl/wife_told_her_husband/
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An young aspirant joins an order of silent monks

Every ten years, the monks are allowed to break their vow to say two words. After one arduous decade, the day on which the young monk is finally allowed to speak has arrived. After thinking for a bit, he grimaces and says “bed hard”. This concludes his brief speech, and he goes about his priestly duties. Ten years pass. The young monk is now older, more seasoned and even less content than he was the last time he was allowed to speak. Without a moment’s hesitation, he looks at the abbot and says pointedly: “food bad”. The old priest just silently shakes his head. The years keep on rolling, and soon enough the unhappy monk realizes it has been thirty years since he first came to the monastery. Walking resolutely to abbots chambers, he looks the elderly father in the eye and says pointedly: “I quit”. The old man, with a sad look on his face, turns to the unhappy soon-to-be layman. “Well son, I’ll be sad to see you go, but honestly I can’t say I’m surprised you’re asking to leave... you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gh3ps/an_young_aspirant_joins_an_order_of_silent_monks/
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gh37h/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
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I added a zero to my paycheck today!

Zero plus zero is still zero...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gh1iy/i_added_a_zero_to_my_paycheck_today/
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What did the magician say when his girlfriend was taking too long shopping for sweaters?

"Pick a cardigan. ANY CARDIGAN."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ggygl/what_did_the_magician_say_when_his_girlfriend_was/
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Why did the Iguanas break Up?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ggwyl/why_did_the_iguanas_break_up/
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Most people won't get this joke...

Not if Ajit Pai has anything to say about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ggvf6/most_people_wont_get_this_joke/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when...

one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gguv5/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when/
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Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ggt5j/why_do_bees_have_sticky_hair/
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How did the Prince end up getting Homeless?

He was throne out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ggrrt/how_did_the_prince_end_up_getting_homeless/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other one?

If we stick together we’ll stop some of this shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ggqg6/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other_one/
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I started selling land mines disguised as prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof.
(Yes it's old, but I still love it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ggpy1/i_started_selling_land_mines_disguised_as_prayer/
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CS:GO and Roulette are quite similar

They are both fun until you add Russian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gglvy/csgo_and_roulette_are_quite_similar/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ggldq/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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What does a whore have in common with a Boeing 747?

They both have huge cockpits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ggkm6/what_does_a_whore_have_in_common_with_a_boeing_747/
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A woman gave her little boy a dollar and told him to go spend it wisely

So the boy walks out the door and starts walking down the street, when he sees a man holding a duck.
"Hey mister," the boy asks, "that's a nice duck.  Where did you get it?"
"I found it," the man said, "and I'm taking it to the market to sell."
"How much do you want for it?" the little boy asked.
"A dollar."
Well, the little boy had a dollar, so he bought the duck, and went off to play with him.  Soon enough a woman comes by and notices the duck.
"Hey, that's an adorable duck you have there," she said.
"Thanks," the little boy said, "I just bought it."
"Well, I'd love a duck like that," the woman said, "but I'm a little short on cash.  But I've been known to turn a trick or two, so if you want we could go back to my place and we could trade."
Well, the little boy had never been with a woman before, but that seemed like a good deal.  So back they went to her place, he handed her the duck, and they made love.  Now, some people have to work hard to get good at things, and some people are just naturals.  Our little boy here...well, let's just say he was a natural.  After 15 mind-blowing minutes he and the woman lay panting in bed.
"Wow," she said,"that was the best sex I've ever had.  I...I loved it.  I want to go again."
"Ok," said the little boy, "but in that case I want my duck back."
The woman readily agreed, and they made passionate love for another round.  Finally spent, the little boy collected his duck and left her apartment.  As he turned to close the door, however, the duck ran away and right into oncoming traffic -- where it was struck by a passing truck.  The man in the truck screeched to a halt, and jumped out, but there was no saving the duck.
"I'm so sorry," the man said,"it was totally an accident."
"That's ok," the little boy replied, "he only cost a dollar anyways."
"Well let me reimburse you," the man said, "it's the least I can do."
So the man gave the little boy a dollar, and the little boy proceeded home to his mother.
"Did you spend your dollar?" his mother asked.
"I did," he replied.
"Well, what did you get?"
"I got a duck for a buck, a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a buck from a guy in a truck for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ggjvn/a_woman_gave_her_little_boy_a_dollar_and_told_him/
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This sums up the 90s pretty well

90 + 91 + 92 + 93 + 94 + 95 + 96 + 97 + 98 + 99 = 945

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ggg9a/this_sums_up_the_90s_pretty_well/
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I recently finished a book, "The History of Glue".

I couldn't put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ggcxi/i_recently_finished_a_book_the_history_of_glue/
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I'm not worried about a future where my kids are addicted to EA's micro transactions

Because there's no way I'll be paying for Verizon's internet gaming add on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ggctg/im_not_worried_about_a_future_where_my_kids_are/
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What happened when I jumped off a famous building in France?

Eiffel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gg8jq/what_happened_when_i_jumped_off_a_famous_building/
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How did Hitler tie his shoezies?

With little knotzies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gg85h/how_did_hitler_tie_his_shoezies/
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Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Because it wasn't peeling well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gg15c/why_did_the_banana_go_to_the_doctor/
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Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims, they went through 88 stories in 6 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gfwtm/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
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The day my dog died

When I was about four years old my brother had an old beater of a sports car, and one day he and my dad were draining the gas tank before they do more work.  So they drain the gas into a bucket and then go inside for beer.  My dog Hershey’s trots on up to the bucket and takes a nice long drink.. And then he began to run laps around our house, faster and faster until my dad came out to see all the commotion.  Just as he got out Hershey’s falls down on to his back and is still.
My dad frantically asked me “What happened is the dog okay?!”
I laughed and said “Yeah he’s fine, he just ran out of gas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gfuw4/the_day_my_dog_died/
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It is hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gft3q/it_is_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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A doctor has just helped deliver a baby.

As soon as the baby is in his arms, the baby looks him in the eyes and clearly says, "Are you my daddy?" Stunned by this, the doctor answers, "No, I'm not!"
In amazement, the doctor holds the baby up for the nurse to see whereupon the baby asks the nurse, "Are you my daddy?" Wide-eyed, the nurse answers, "No, I'm not!"
The nurse tells the doctor to quickly show the mother and as soon as the mother has the baby in her arms, he turns to her and asks, "Are you my daddy?" The mother says, "No, I'm not!"
She turns to the nurse and tells her to quickly get her husband in here to see their amazing child and the nurse runs from the room to fetch the father.
When the father enters the room, he's promptly handed the baby who turns to him and asks, "Are you my daddy?" In tears, the father answers, "Yes, yes, I am!"
The baby then leans forward and jabs the father repeatedly in the forehead, emphasizing each word, yelling, "*How do you like it?!?!?*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gfnir/a_doctor_has_just_helped_deliver_a_baby/
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A couple is walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining" says the man.
"I think it's snowing" says the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He's always right!" Exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gfid0/a_couple_is_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
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How do trees communicate?

They bark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gfhva/how_do_trees_communicate/
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Garrison Keillor is twice the entertainer that Bill Cosby is.

Keillor even puts the men to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gfbn4/garrison_keillor_is_twice_the_entertainer_that/
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How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away their little brooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gf3j5/how_do_you_stop_bacon_from_curling_in_the_pan/
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An Irish man walks into a bar...

An Irish man walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.
"Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?"
"Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gf31v/an_irish_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Nine months into his presidency...

Nine months into his presidency Donald Trump asked his advisors to poll the American people to find out what they thought America would be like by the next election.
After a few weeks fact finding the advisors returned with an answer. They said “Mr President, there are two prevailing views the american people believe will happen. One is optimistic and the other pessimistic. Which would you like to hear first?”
Donal Trump answered “I’ll take the optimistic view first.”
Well Mr President, the American people believe that by the end of your presidency the whole country will be eating shit.
The President immediately started shouting at the advisors “You’re all idiots, you don’t even understand the difference  between optimist and pessimist. Optimists think positively.”
The advisors replied “We know sir, the pessimists don’t think there’ll be enough shit to go around.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7geynx/nine_months_into_his_presidency/
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A moth goes to the pediatrist.

The pediatrist asks him what the problem is. The moth sighs and says, “Well...it’s my job. I’ve been at the mill for nigh on two decades and I have begun to feel like I’m just plugging along waiting for the end. I’m still working toward something, but I thought by the time I got to be this age I’d have actually achieved something. Instead I’m still practically in the same place I was in my youth professionally, and that makes it very hard to stay motivated.”
“Oh wow,” says the pediatrist, “that sounds terrible. I’m so sorry.”
“It gets worse,” says the moth. “My wife and I, we’ve been married 28 years, raised two children, and now in the dust of our whirlwind of bills, ballet classes, family dinners, and tight funds I’ve realized I go to bed every night next to a complete stranger. The woman I fell in love with and married is long gone, and in her place is this tired, reserved old woman. I can’t even explain it to her because I feel guilty knowing she must feel the same way about me. We’ve both changed and grown farther apart. I thought for a while she was having an affair. I started to get angry but then I realized I was actually happy for her. She deserves to feel wanted and I just can’t do that for her anymore.”
“Jesus,” says the pediatrist. “This is heavy stuff, buddy.”
“There’s still more,” says the moth, who is now sobbing. “My daughter is in college and she never comes home for her breaks. She always makes some excuse but I know it’s because our life offers no excitement or warmth for her. Truth be told...I don’t even miss her. I’m happy she’s gone living her life, and every time I see her I think about how in just a few short years she’ll be just as disappointed with her life as I am. I don’t want to remind her of the inevitability of growing old. And my son, he’s a junior in high school. I can already feel him heading down the same path I did- life long labor job, lower middle class lifestyle, average wife and average children. He has no drive and no ambition, but in reality those things won’t save you from the hard truth of the world. I’m sad that he won’t amount to anything, but I’m proud of his realism in a sick way. Ultimately I’m lost, empty and wandering through the golden years of my life with no real emotions or passion. I’m patiently waiting to die and every day that passes, every morning that comes where I wake up alive, the idea of ending it all myself becomes more attractive. Does that make sense?”
“Mother of god, man!” cried the pediatrist. “You’ve got some serious issues to work through! You need a therapist! Why on earth did you come see me? I’m just a pediatrist?”
The moth says, “Oh, your light was on.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7geseh/a_moth_goes_to_the_pediatrist/
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Just a poem

I dig
You dig
He digs
She digs.
This poem is not very good, but it's deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ges3a/just_a_poem/
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Kevin Spacey is undergoing conversion therapy and hope to eventually have a normal marriage.

He says, "I want to have kids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gep5k/kevin_spacey_is_undergoing_conversion_therapy_and/
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How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gejhe/how_do_you_make_10_pounds_of_ugly_fat_attractive/
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A man goes to the doctor

The doctor says "I've got good news and bad news"
The man replies "Give me the good news first, doc."
The doctor says "The good news is we currently have that raccoon in our supply closet. The bad news is you ruined the punchline by asking for the good news first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gei51/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Sorry I’m late! I was having sex with my wife,

I came as fast as I could.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gehnn/sorry_im_late_i_was_having_sex_with_my_wife/
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How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7geevf/how_do_you_cover_12_holes_with_one_hole/
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- Hey teacher, can a boy like me have a son?

-- Of courst not, Johnny! You're just 10 years old!
-- Can a a girl like Sarah have a son?
-- She can't either! She's just 9!
-- I told you Sarah, we are safe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gedjf/hey_teacher_can_a_boy_like_me_have_a_son/
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Deep.

Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.
Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees light from incoming train.
Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gebuq/deep/
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Two fish are put in a tank

But, darn it, neither knows how to drive it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gea5l/two_fish_are_put_in_a_tank/
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I asked a friend if I could copy his calculus homework

He told me to know my limits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ge0jm/i_asked_a_friend_if_i_could_copy_his_calculus/
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Have you heard about the drill bit?

Actually, it's too long.  I wouldn't want to bore you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gdxqb/have_you_heard_about_the_drill_bit/
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Why was the piece of cake eaten?

He was cut out for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gdwiz/why_was_the_piece_of_cake_eaten/
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I deserve to be with someone who accepts me for who I am

pretending to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gdw0g/i_deserve_to_be_with_someone_who_accepts_me_for/
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Why does Peter Pan always fly?

He Neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gdvey/why_does_peter_pan_always_fly/
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There are two types of countries in the world....

Those who use the Metric System....
And those who have been to the Moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gdv7e/there_are_two_types_of_countries_in_the_world/
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I guess the reason they could never find Matt Lauer is because...

there are no cameras in the girls locker rooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gdt6y/i_guess_the_reason_they_could_never_find_matt/
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An american and a frenchman in a train

They're sitting in front of each other.
The american scraps his throat and spits once on the right of the french guy head. Perfectly aimed, not a single drop of saliva touch the french guy.
He then spits on the left of the french guy head. Perfectly aimed again. He then says "I'm Joe Smith, professional".
The french guy scraps his throat and spits on the american face, right between the eyes.
"I'm Paul Martin, amateur".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gdn57/an_american_and_a_frenchman_in_a_train/
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Even though they did not show any spoilers in the Infinity War trailer we all know who dies...

... DCEU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gdlvi/even_though_they_did_not_show_any_spoilers_in_the/
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Steven Spielberg wants to make a movie about famous composers, so he puts out a casting call.

Gary Oldman walks in first and says, "I played Beethoven in *Immortal Beloved*, so I already have experience playing the part."
Tom Hulce calls in next, "I was Mozart in *Amadeus*, and would love to play him again.
Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him and says, "I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gdkpa/steven_spielberg_wants_to_make_a_movie_about/
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I told my buddy that Jewish people call God by a different name

He was like, "No way!"   I was like, "Yahweh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gdg3k/i_told_my_buddy_that_jewish_people_call_god_by_a/
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My wife and I decided not to have kids...

..the kids are taking it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gdfys/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
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A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.

‘What’s up?’ says the driver.
‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.
‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gdcl2/a_policeman_on_a_motorcycle_pulls_over_a_car/
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The poor man asks the rich man...

"What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gd9jg/the_poor_man_asks_the_rich_man/
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last letter

A very ill man was in the hospital, in critical condition.
the doctor brought in the priest. the priest administered the last rites and... the man woke up! He pointed to a piece of paper and a pen on the stand next to his bed, so the priest gave it to him.
he wrote down a message and handed it to the priest, who stuffed the note in his pocket, wanting to keep the man's last words a mystery until they could be read to the grieving family. and then the man died.
about an hour later, when the family regained their composure after hearing te news, the priest remembers the note and reads it to the family. "I forgot! the man wrote something down!"
he fumbles through his pockets, and finds the note.
it reads:
"hey, you! you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gd6l5/last_letter/
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What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say on the audition day for his musical history project?

"I'll be Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gd3o9/what_did_arnold_schwarzenegger_say_on_the/
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A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gd0kt/a_briton_a_frenchman_and_a_russian_are_standing/
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A monk walks up to a ramen stand and says:

‘make me one with everything’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gcynv/a_monk_walks_up_to_a_ramen_stand_and_says/
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An American woman is standing on a bridge preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her.

The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.
The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a new life.
The woman accepted his offer, and the next day he smuggled her onto the boat into one of the life rafts.
The next night when the sailor had finished his work he got some food and snuck it out to her, and the pair made love.
Every night for a month he would sneak food out to her and make sweet love to her.
After the month had passed, the captain found the life raft and the stowaway woman who quickly explained that she was snuck on by one of his sailors and that she just wanted to go to Europe and start a new life.
She explained that every night he would come to her and give her food and that they would fuck every night.
"Damn right, he's been fucking you," the captain said, "This boat is the local ferry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gcvqm/an_american_woman_is_standing_on_a_bridge/
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A German is traveling to France

and is going through passport control. The agent asks the German, “Reason for travel?”
“For work,” replies the German.
“Occupation?” asks the agent.
“No, I’ll just be here a few days.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gcuvs/a_german_is_traveling_to_france/
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Lady & her $130k Mercedes

A lady bought a new $130,000 Mercedes-AMG GT car and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and angrily began to complain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word “Jazz", and the radio changed to a station playing a Louis Armstrong  Masterpiece. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio again  and said “rock ‘n’ roll",the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.
A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a red light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily shouted, “Asshole!”
…The radio immediately cut over to Ajit Pai's press conference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gctcv/lady_her_130k_mercedes/
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Two nuns are sitting on a park bench...

Suddenly, a streaker runs past them! One of the nuns had a stroke! The other tried but she couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gct6m/two_nuns_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheel chair

I know she'll come crawling back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gcseq/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_stole/
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Two vampires walk into a bar

Two vampires sit down at a bar. The first vampire orders a glass of blood but the second one just asks for a cup of hot water.
The first vampire is surprised by this and remarks "Just water? Are you feeling alright?"
The second vampire waves him off and pulls a dripping tampon from his coat pocket "Yes yes I'm just in the mood for some tea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gcrsu/two_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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People with an abduction fetish

Demand to be taken, seriously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gcn6i/people_with_an_abduction_fetish/
%
You don't hear much about Thor's brother...

...he's pretty low-key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gciyj/you_dont_hear_much_about_thors_brother/
%
A little 8yo boy, shows up to a whorehouse with a dead frog and demands to see the madame.

An elderly woman comes out and asks what she can do for him.
He explains that he wishes to pay for the services of the cheapest girl in the house, but that she absolutely must have herpes. The madame, of course, initially refuses, but the boy cries and cries until she gives in.
Out comes Tiffany, the most decrepit broad you've ever seen, and the madame says to the boy "It's $20 for an hour with Tiffany, but you have to leave the dead frog outside."
The boy agrees.
An hour later the boy comes out from the back, beaming from ear to ear, and collects his frog. As he's leaving, the madame stops him and says "before you go, I must know-- why did you insist on a girl with herpes?"
The boy responds, "well you see ma'am, it's simple. I've got herpes now. When I go home, my babysitter will touch me down there, and she'll get the herpes. My dad likes the babysitter a lot, so he'll get the herpes, and then my mom will get it too."
The madame replies, "go on..."
The boy says, "Well, my mom is really good friends with the mailman. So the mailman will get herpes, and he likes to touch his son, so HIS son will get herpes too!"
The madame asks, "but why do you want your mailman's son to have herpes?"....
and the boy replies, "That's the fucker who killed my frog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gcime/a_little_8yo_boy_shows_up_to_a_whorehouse_with_a/
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A man gets an appointment with a tv producer to show him his talking dog.

He's really excited to show off this dog. The producer, understandably, wants proof that this dog can talk so the man asks his dog, "What's on the side of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
The producer has had enough and kicks the man and his dog out of his office for being a waste of his time. On the way home the man mutters, "What an asshole," and his dog responds, "Yeah, seriously."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gchy7/a_man_gets_an_appointment_with_a_tv_producer_to/
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The Man With No Arms

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and do lots of things that took two arms.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. So the guy had to ask him. ‘Why ARE you so happy anyway?’
The guy with no arms replied, ‘I’m NOT happy … My balls itch!!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gccc6/the_man_with_no_arms/
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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'
'Yes' replied the old man.
Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last time'
'Impossible!!' she bellowed.
The old man looks her straight in the eye and says 'Last time, when I landed on D Day in 1944, I couldn't find a fucking Frenchman to give it to'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gc2av/an_old_man_is_at_passport_control_in_paris/
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Big Shit

On a BA flight from Delhi to London, the pilot comes over the public address system, and tells passengers at what altitude they will be flying, the expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, the pilot says to his co-pilot, ‘I'm glad we're out of that shit hole. Had a dodgy curry last night and it went through me like a fucking Porsche.As soon as we get back, I'm gonna have a proper good shit! Then I'm gonna give that new blonde air hostess with the big tits, the biggest portion of helmet she's ever seen!’ All the passengers hear it. The air hostess immediately begins to run towards the cockpit to tell the pilot of his blunder, when a little old lady trips her up and says ‘ Hey! ’No need to rush, he's gonna have a big shit first!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gbyej/big_shit/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gblk0/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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Two friends are sitting at a bar, one has schizophrenia. Suddenly the schizophrenic starts bursting out laughing, and it takes a few minutes for him to calm down.

When he finally does, he says "sorry, it's a inside joke".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gbi63/two_friends_are_sitting_at_a_bar_one_has/
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How do you get a squirrel to come down from a tree?

Take off your pants and show him your nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gbeub/how_do_you_get_a_squirrel_to_come_down_from_a_tree/
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What do you call a muscle car that won't start?

All torque, no action.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gbema/what_do_you_call_a_muscle_car_that_wont_start/
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My friend said I don’t understand irony

Which is ironic because we were  standing  at a bus stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gbbxk/my_friend_said_i_dont_understand_irony/
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Give a man a fish, feed him for a day..

Give a man a poisoned fish, feed him for a lifetime..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gb55i/give_a_man_a_fish_feed_him_for_a_day/
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Is it solipsistic in here?

Or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gb169/is_it_solipsistic_in_here/
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My friend asked me why i didn't sign my organ donor card

I want somebody else to be able to use it after I have died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gb0j5/my_friend_asked_me_why_i_didnt_sign_my_organ/
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Mountains aren’t just funny.

They’re hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gaykr/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
Why did the guy say it was weird shopping in Istanbul?

Because it was a bazaar experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gar78/why_did_the_guy_say_it_was_weird_shopping_in/
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What do you call it when a Mexican fucks a South American Prostitute?

Juan in a Brazillian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gaqpa/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_mexican_fucks_a_south/
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A rabbi and a priest

were at a communal dinner when a dish of roast pork was served.
The priest leaned into the rabbi's ear and whispered, "You planning on eating that buddy?"
The rabbi chuckled and replied, "Not today. But I'm definitely planning to have some at your wedding."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gandw/a_rabbi_and_a_priest/
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What kind of shoes does an Asian Catholic lady wear?

Nun Chucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7galzb/what_kind_of_shoes_does_an_asian_catholic_lady/
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Why do seals swim in salt water?

Because if they swam in pepper water they'd do nothing but sneeze all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gajlo/why_do_seals_swim_in_salt_water/
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Last night I laid in bed looking up to the stars

And I thought to myself, "where the hell is the ceiling?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gacu0/last_night_i_laid_in_bed_looking_up_to_the_stars/
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The first thing that develops in a human embryo is the asshole.

Some people just don't grow out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gac70/the_first_thing_that_develops_in_a_human_embryo/
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I heard a joke about Social Security

but you probably won't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7gaazu/i_heard_a_joke_about_social_security/
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A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar

They are about to sit down when the bartender says: “It costs $60 to sit on the chair.” The priest and the rabbi say “That’s absurd! What’s the reason for this charge?” The bartender says “Well the goal is to provide patrons with a sense of pride and accompli—“
The priest and the rabbi throw themselves at the bartender and beat him to death, because enough of the damn EA jokes already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ga7wl/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do Kim Kardashian and a police siren have in common?

They get turned on when black guys are around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ga3tr/what_do_kim_kardashian_and_a_police_siren_have_in/
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Why do the ladies love Jesus?

He's well hung and there's always a second coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ga331/why_do_the_ladies_love_jesus/
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An Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.
"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.
"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.
"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.
Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefields in the time of the Prophet?" He then turns to the wife, "Keep walking, Saida."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ga20j/an_afghan_man_named_ahmed_is_walking_down_a_dirt/
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My room is really dark, I think my window shades work too well...

I think they deserve a raise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g9udy/my_room_is_really_dark_i_think_my_window_shades/
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What is the difference between a pizza and a media studies major?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g9q9s/what_is_the_difference_between_a_pizza_and_a/
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How is Kevin Spacey like Walmart?

They both have boys pants half off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g9ps0/how_is_kevin_spacey_like_walmart/
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An angel walks into a bar

He walks up to a blind patron and heals him. The formerly blind man stands up shouting "I can see! It's a miracle!"
The angel smiles and walks up to a crippled man and restores his legs. The man does a dance of joy and hugs the angel, who tells him to go in peace.
The angel then walks among some government workers celebrating after work. One of them, a one-legged man with severe diabetes, lupus, and one eye looks at the approaching angel and says "don't touch me - I'm on disability"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g9phn/an_angel_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call System of a Down's security staff?

Serj protectors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g9mos/what_do_you_call_system_of_a_downs_security_staff/
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I assembled an IKEA keyboard

it's amain ho many spare parts they ive you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g9i5j/i_assembled_an_ikea_keyboard/
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A blonde is in a canoe in the middle of a grassy field.

As she tries to row toward the nearby road, another blonde driving on the road sees her and stops. She rolls down her window and yells,
"What are you doing?"
"Rowing to shore, I'm stuck in this sea of grass!" The blonde in the field replies.
"You idiot! It's blondes like you that give us a bad name, and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g9dbt/a_blonde_is_in_a_canoe_in_the_middle_of_a_grassy/
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God comes to my town...

...and asks the catholic priest: "do you need me to take care of anything?" The priest replies; "would you kill the protestant pastor?" Concerned God goes to the pastor and asks him the same question and the pastor answers; "would you kill the catholic priest?". Frustrated, God goes to the rabbi and asks him the same question. The rabbi says; "Lord, it would be enough for me if you answer the prayers of the priest and the pastor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g96x9/god_comes_to_my_town/
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Why do pirates play in C flat?

Because they can't play when the C is rough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g96sr/why_do_pirates_play_in_c_flat/
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What do you call a stupid fish?

A dumb bass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g91v7/what_do_you_call_a_stupid_fish/
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I hear that if you draw a really good portrait of Jason Segel you will instantly be proficient in Karate, Taekwondo, and Jiu Jitsu

I think it has something to do with becoming a master Marshall artist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g908m/i_hear_that_if_you_draw_a_really_good_portrait_of/
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"Sir, we're mining too many useless mineral ores."

Hitler: "Mine less, then."
Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER."
Hitler looks over: "Yes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g8z2x/sir_were_mining_too_many_useless_mineral_ores/
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I got kicked off a plane today...

All I did was say "Hi Jack!" when I saw my friend...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g8tcb/i_got_kicked_off_a_plane_today/
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A blonde, a brunette and a man with bad dandruff walk into an elevator.

The mans dandruff is real bad, like caked on his shoulders bad. Once he gets off the brunette says to the blonde "He really needs some head and shoulders". The blonde says "How do I give shoulders?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g8ot6/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_man_with_bad_dandruff/
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There was a church...

Sometime around the 1950’s, there was a small village in a remote region somewhere in the American South, and at the center of this village was a tall church.
As most churches of this period, this church had, as its crowning glory, a tall bell tower. The jewel of the crown was, naturally, a large brass bell.
An elderly woman from the church had been pulling the rope to ring the bell every Sunday since before anyone could remember.  She had a special technique that made an exceptionally pleasant sound.
That is, until her untimely death at the age of 89. Thus began the process of finding a new employee to faithfully ring the church bell week after week.
An ad was placed in the regional newspaper by the church secretary, and, much to everyone’s surprise, many people applied.
After narrowing down the applicants to the top five, the secretary took each to try their hand at ringing the giant bell.
Each pulled the rope with gusto, and the bell chimed and rang like any bell would. Unfortunately, none of them could make it sound half as good as the elderly woman had.
Disappointed, the church secretary sent the applicants away. Just as she was ready to begin the whole process again, she heard a knock on the church office door.
In walked the ugliest, most mangled-faced man she had ever seen. Gasping at his pure hideousness, she caught her breath and asked, “May I help you?”
“I am here to apply for the job of ringing that bell, ma’am.”
“Well, OK. Let’s see what you can do.”
The two of them walked over to the bell rope, but the ugly man asked if they could climb up the tower, and ring it from inside the top of the tower!
The secretary obliged, and the two climbed the steep steeple stairway to the top.
The man examined the bell, took a few steps back, ran up and SMASHED HIS FACE straight into the bell...
...and it made the most beautiful sound that anyone in the village had ever heard.
Wiping away a small tear brought on by the sheer loveliness of the sound, the secretary told the man he had the job.
For the next few months, Sunday after Sunday, the mangled-faced man would take few steps back, run up, and smash his face into the bell. And every week, the sound was so wonderful that the village folk would stop whatever they were doing to listen.
Church attendance was growing larger than ever, and the secretary was more than pleased with the new employee.
Then, on Easter Sunday, the ugly man decided to make the sound extra special and louder than ever.
So he took a step back...
...and an extra step for more speed...
...and just one more tiny extra step back, and...
...
...
...he lost his footing, tumbling backwards out of the bell tower.
He landed with a thud on the sidewalk below. Dead as a door nail.
The townsfolk gathered around, distraught at their misfortune.
“What was his name?”
“Does anyone know his name?”
“Someone get the church secretary. She hired him. Surely she knows his name!”
So they bring the church secretary to identify the poor man.
She finally breaks through the crowd, takes a long sad look at him and says...
“Well, I don’t know his name...
...but his **face rings a bell**.”
———————————
If that wasn’t torture enough, there’s a Part II ;)
———————————
So, after the trauma of losing the most amazing musician anyone had ever heard, and the obligatory three week mourning period for bell-ringers, the church secretary decided its time to begin the search for a new employee.
The ad, once again, gets a fair amount of attention. Several candidates are brought in, but none can even hold a candle to the dead nameless ugly man.
The secretary is about to give up hope completely when, lo and behold, there’s a knock on the office door.
Like a blast from the past, in walks an even uglier, more mangled faced man.
“Hi ma’am, I’m here to apply for the job of bell ringer. I actually have a family history of unique church bell ringing.”
“Well, you do remind me of our last bell ringer...”
“Oh, he was my brother, George!”
“Well sir, let’s go see what you can do.”
The two, just like last time, climb the steep steeple stairs. The uglier man takes a few steps back, runs up, and SMASHES HIS FACE directly into the bell.
As unlikely and unbelievable as it may seem, the sound was even more wonderful and beautiful than his brother.
You know the story...
4th of July rolls around, the uglier man wanted to make a bigger and better ringing than anyone had ever heard.
So he took a step back...
...and an extra step for more speed...
...and just one more tiny extra step back, and...
...
...
...you guessed it. He lost his footing, tumbling backwards out of the bell tower.
He landed with a thud on the sidewalk below. Dead. Door Nail style.
Once again, the townsfolk gathered around, distraught at their continued misfortune.
“What was THIS guy’s name?”
“Does anyone know his name?”
“Someone get the church secretary. She hired him. Surely she got his name this time!”
So they bring the church secretary to identify yet another poor dead man.
She finally breaks through the crowd, takes one look at him and says...
“Well, I never asked his name,
But he’s a **dead ringer** for his brother George.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g8o84/there_was_a_church/
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I tried to get 10 puns to hit the front page...

No pun in ten did :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g8nrk/i_tried_to_get_10_puns_to_hit_the_front_page/
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A Roman walks into a bar...

holds up two fingers and says, “five beers, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g8lt9/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A sheep walks into a bar..

Bartender says "Sorry man, I can't serve you here."
Sheep says, "Relax, I'm the black sheep of the family.Check this out, I brought a fuckload of other sheep with me.
The bartender starts counting sheep. Falls asleep.
Sheep drink for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g8jss/a_sheep_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why can't you starve in a desert?

Because of the sand which is there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g8jmi/why_cant_you_starve_in_a_desert/
%
What are the negative effects of smoking marijuana?

You now have less marijuana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g8gv3/what_are_the_negative_effects_of_smoking_marijuana/
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My friends all tell me I’m a Pyromaniac...

I tell them not to worry. We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g8bb2/my_friends_all_tell_me_im_a_pyromaniac/
%
Why was the origami master terrible at poker?

He always folded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g8ag1/why_was_the_origami_master_terrible_at_poker/
%
Jesus and Mary Magdalene were having difficulties in the bedroom. After the 2nd try, Jesus said...

"Don't worry, it'll rise again".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g89o8/jesus_and_mary_magdalene_were_having_difficulties/
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Here's how I feel about gay marriage. I don't understand why people care whether you marry a man or a woman.

'Cause if you've ever seen a couple over 65, it is very hard to tell who is who.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g84tw/heres_how_i_feel_about_gay_marriage_i_dont/
%
So a farmer went out into his field and counted 48 cows

But When His dog rounded them up there were 50.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g7yk4/so_a_farmer_went_out_into_his_field_and_counted/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g7ufw/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
What does a German bride get from her husband on her wedding day that is long and hard?

A new last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g7sm7/what_does_a_german_bride_get_from_her_husband_on/
%
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g7rni/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
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Andy was sent to prison

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
**Edit:** Goddamn, I didn't expect this to blow up so so quickly.
**Edit 2:** My inbox is making a good recovery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g7pk6/andy_was_sent_to_prison/
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What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g7orn/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
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Where does light go when it breaks the law?

To Prism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g7lye/where_does_light_go_when_it_breaks_the_law/
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e^(i*pi) + 1 = 0

I'm having an identity crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g7ftu/eipi_1_0/
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Wife calls husband about major traffic incident

A wife calls her husband whilst he is driving and says “be careful I’ve just heard a traffic report about a car going the wrong way on the motorway!” And the husband gets confused and asks “one car? There’s hundreds!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g7emd/wife_calls_husband_about_major_traffic_incident/
%
A very depressed looking man is sitting at a bar, his shirt front covered in vomit.

The bartender asks him, "What's wrong friend? What's got you looking so down?"
The man replies, "Things aren't going well for me today. I promised my wife I'd cut down on my drinking. When I get home and she sees my shirt like this, she's gonna know I got boozed up and vomited all down my shirt. She's gonna kill me, they'll never find the body!"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then responds, "Hey friend, I got an idea. Put a ten dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you get home and your wife sees your shirt tell her that you did go to the bar but you only had one drink. The guy sitting next to you was really drunk and he vomited on your shirt. He felt so bad he gave you this ten bucks to get your shirt cleaned."
The man's face lights up, his depression melting away now that he has a plan. He thanks the bartender, gives him triple his usual tip, and puts two ten dollar bills in his shirt pocket before getting in the cab to head home.
The man's wife was waiting for him on the living room couch. As soon as she sees the vomit on his shirt she stands up, sticks her finger in his face, and screams, "I told you if this ever happens again we are finished! That's it! I want a divorce you disgusting alcoholic!"
The man reaches for the money in his pocket, holds it up, and explains calmly, "Relax honey. I did go to the bar after work but I only had one drink. The guy sitting next to me was very drunk, and he was the one that vomited on my shirt. He felt so bad he gave me ten dollars to get it cleaned."
The wife looks at the money, "But why have you got twenty bucks there?"
The man replies, "Oh yeah. He shit my pants, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g7clr/a_very_depressed_looking_man_is_sitting_at_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the white biologist stealing a petri dish from his black colleague?

It was a case of cultural appropriation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g7c45/did_you_hear_about_the_white_biologist_stealing_a/
%
Why do we wash clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold out-tide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g7bcy/why_do_we_wash_clothes_in_tide/
%
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?

One is a Goodyear and one is a great year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g78zt/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365/
%
"Bananas" and "synonymous" have the same amount of Ns and vowels

They're ... basically the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g75ee/bananas_and_synonymous_have_the_same_amount_of_ns/
%
Three friends married women from different parts of the world...

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g73wh/three_friends_married_women_from_different_parts/
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I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom

turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g6srl/i_was_originally_ok_with_my_wife_getting_a_white/
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Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.

Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g6rbs/wife_why_do_you_go_out_in_the_balcony_when_i/
%
What does a lawyer wear to the courthouse?

A lawsuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g6ori/what_does_a_lawyer_wear_to_the_courthouse/
%
Does anyone know of a good character encoding standard that I can give to someone I care about?

ASCII for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g6nz3/does_anyone_know_of_a_good_character_encoding/
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I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.

I expect a long sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g6lp4/i_took_all_the_punctuation_marks_off_of_the/
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What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver

One goes *WHACK* “FUCK”
And the other goes “FUCK” *WHACK*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g6j6f/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
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What do you call a mathematical function with too many powers?

An exponential crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g6hzf/what_do_you_call_a_mathematical_function_with_too/
%
What kind of bees produce milk?

Boobies!
Even funnier: a five year old told me this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g6bo9/what_kind_of_bees_produce_milk/
%
I like my internet like my water.

Neutral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g6aj9/i_like_my_internet_like_my_water/
%
There was a magical young lady, eating lunch in the desert

It was a sandwich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g68uj/there_was_a_magical_young_lady_eating_lunch_in/
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A music joke someone made in my composition class. How do you know you're kissing a french horn player?

You know because she has her fist up your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g68hw/a_music_joke_someone_made_in_my_composition_class/
%
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.
They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.
I just want to go home." POOF!
The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.
I wish I could go home too." POOF!
The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g66ob/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stuck_on_an/
%
An older man and his grandson are on a plane when one of the engines starts to fail.

Realizing they are still flying over a mountain range and have nowhere safe to put down, the pilot and co-pilot devise a plan to keep the plane aloft in the sky for everyone's safety. The pilot grabs his microphone and announces to the passengers,
"Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. As I'm sure some of you have noticed, one of the engines is sputtering black smoke and we are losing altitude at a somewhat alarming rate. I want to assure you that I have no intention of crashing into the mountains, so in an effort to remain in the sky we are going to dump the cargo to lighten the airplane. Once we are done, we will assess if further action is necessary. Thank you for flying with us today."
Under the pilot's orders, the flight crew empties the cargo hold of the plane. Unfortunately, while the plane is falling more slowly, it's not enough. The pilot addresses the passengers again,
"Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. We have successfully offloaded the cargo from the aircraft but unfortunately we are still losing altitude too quickly to make it to the nearest landing site. The only thing left we have to let go of is people- now, I want everyone to remain calm. My co-pilot and I have determined a fair way to select volunteers to equip parachutes and we are broadcasting drop locations with our distress call, rescue crews will come for you soon. Without further ado, it pains me to ask... The first letter is A, so would all the African Americans please make your way to the flight crew where they will escort you to the cargo bay for departure."
The older man remains seated, while his grandson sulkingly starts to stand.
"Sit down, boy," his grandfather says.
"But grandpa, we're African Americans."
"I said sit down, boy."
After a few monents the captain comes back on,
"Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. We're making progress. Next is B, would the Black folks please make their way to the cargo bay for departure. Rescue crews will be on the way to you momentarily."
The little boy goes to stand again, but his grandfather sternly says to him,
"I said sit down, boy. How many times I got to tell you?"
"But grandpa," he protests, "We're black!"
"Sit down and shut your mouth, I mean it." Confused, the boy sits again. After a few moments, the captain comes back on,
"Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. Every brave soul is a hero, and we need more heroes. C is up next, would all the Coloured people please make their way to the cargo bay for departure. Thank you."
The boy, once again, stands up.
"I said sit your ass down boy! Don't make me say it again or I will wear your ass out right here right now!
"BUT GRANDPA!" The boy shouts, "Aren't we African American, Black, AND Coloured?"
Without skipping a beat his grandfather grabs him by the shoulders and stares straight into his eyes as he says,
"Not today boy. Today we are Niggers, and we ain't gettin' off this fuckin' plane until the damned Mexicans do!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g65fk/an_older_man_and_his_grandson_are_on_a_plane_when/
%
I failed algebra class when I was in school...

I never knew Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g64wv/i_failed_algebra_class_when_i_was_in_school/
%
Doing the splits

I told my yoga instructor I wanted to be able to do the splits. She asked how flexible I was. I told her I couldn't come on Tuesdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g5zzm/doing_the_splits/
%
How did the Blacksmith pick up the red hot 1000° steel cube with just his hands?

He just held it by the cubes corners which were 90°

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g5u5k/how_did_the_blacksmith_pick_up_the_red_hot_1000/
%
What do you call a Mongol holding a Transformer?

A Decepti-Khan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g5rfy/what_do_you_call_a_mongol_holding_a_transformer/
%
Why is the pink panther the busiest of cats

He always has something to do,
to do, to do do do dodo dodoooh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g5rcx/why_is_the_pink_panther_the_busiest_of_cats/
%
Women are like Viagra.

Their sole purpose is to make things harder for a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g5qkw/women_are_like_viagra/
%
A man went to the supermarket to buy some condoms

Cashier: Do you need a bag?
Man: Nah, she's not that ugly...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g5nw3/a_man_went_to_the_supermarket_to_buy_some_condoms/
%
Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

Because I really hate marathons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g5mwc/is_it_wrong_to_hate_a_certain_race/
%
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.
But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g5l67/two_old_men_abe_and_sol_sit_on_a_park_bench/
%
What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics ?

Oops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g5c3s/whats_the_most_terrifying_word_in_nuclear_physics/
%
How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her while reciting the alphabet backwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g534w/how_do_you_confuse_a_blonde/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g51fe/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
%
Kevin spacey got turn down to play Santa.

Apparently they didn’t trust him with the naughty list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g51d3/kevin_spacey_got_turn_down_to_play_santa/
%
Abortion is

The most effective form of spawn camping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g4z3b/abortion_is/
%
I lent a hot girl my umbrella

That makes the number of girls I've made wet this year -1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g4y5p/i_lent_a_hot_girl_my_umbrella/
%
Australians don't have sex

They mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g4x5r/australians_dont_have_sex/
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Reunion

*What is Reunion?*
Reunion is when you get up in the morning and tell your wife you are going to work.
Instead you go to your neighbour's wife to make love to her.
Her husband comes and knocks on the door.
You go under the bed.
The husband enters the bedroom.
Feeling uneasy, the wife excuses herself  to go to market to buy food items.
The husband takes advantage of the wife's absence to call your wife.
Your wife quickly arrives and they make love.
Suddenly his wife who had excused herself  to go to the market turned back halfway forgetting the list of food items at home and knocks  on the door.
You're still under the bed.
Your wife rushes to hide under the bed.
*This is REUNION*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g4tro/reunion/
%
My friends just got engaged, so I asked if they've picked a date for the wedding

They said, 'Yeah, we're taking each other.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g4qam/my_friends_just_got_engaged_so_i_asked_if_theyve/
%
What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?

Finds the nearest skyscraper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g4pkr/what_does_a_cloud_with_an_itchy_rash_do/
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Constipated math teacher

Did you hear about the constipated math teacher?
She got so frustrated,  she sat down and worked it out with a pencil!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g4p7o/constipated_math_teacher/
%
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g4kpk/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
%
There’s a fly flying over the water with a broken wing about to drop....

Underneath the water is a fish. The fish says “when that fly drops I’ll come up and eat him.”
Nearby a fisherman is in his boat and says “when that fly drops and the fish comes up I’ll catch that fish.”
A rat in the fisherman’s boat says “if that fly drops and the fish comes up, then the fisherman will set down his sandwich to catch the fish.”
There’s a cat watching the rat and and says “when that fly drops the fish will come up, the fisherman will set down his sandwich, the rat will be busy eating the sandwich and I can get the rat.”
So the fly drops, the fish comes up, the fisherman sets down his sandwich, the rat starts eating, the cat jumps at the rat but misses and goes in the water.
What’s the moral of the story......?
When the fly drops, the pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g4gk6/theres_a_fly_flying_over_the_water_with_a_broken/
%
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild...

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g4fj4/it_was_october_and_the_indians_on_a_remote/
%
I used to work at a bank,

an old lady came in and asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g4fcy/i_used_to_work_at_a_bank/
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Three midgets are looking at the Guinness book of world records newest edition

The first midget looks a the page for the smallest hands in the world.  He shouts, “I for sure have the smaller hands than him!  I will be in this book next year!”
The midgets agree
The second midget says, “oh yeah? Well I have the smallest feet in the world.  I too will be in the book!”
The midgets agree
The third midget reluctantly says, “hey this isn’t great but I bet I have the smallest penis in the world.  I’ll be joining you guys in this here book.”
The midgets agree
So the three men submit their records and wait for the next edition.  One year later it arrives.  The first midget grabs the book and starts flipping through pages.  “Hands hands hands” he says.  He finds the page.  “Aha! I do have the smallest hands!”
The second midget steals the book and Looks for feet.  “Feet feet feet... YES! The smallest feet are mine!”
The third midget looks through the book to find the smallest penis.  He finds it.  “What the fuck!?” He shouts, “Who the fuck is this Ajit Pai guy!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g4c3f/three_midgets_are_looking_at_the_guinness_book_of/
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A couple had a big argument in the car. They didn't talk to each other then entire trip.

They passed a farm with pigs, in which the husband saw an opportunity to break the ice.
"Look, those must be your relatives"
The lady, keeping her cool, replied "In-laws"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g4ao0/a_couple_had_a_big_argument_in_the_car_they_didnt/
%
Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?

He was trying to be a little less shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g44io/why_was_sean_connery_giving_away_his_lobster/
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My boss says I intimidate my coworkers

I just stared at him until he said he was sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g44dy/my_boss_says_i_intimidate_my_coworkers/
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A homeless man asked me if he could get fifty cents for a sandwich.

I told him, “I don’t know, let me see the sandwich.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g44d6/a_homeless_man_asked_me_if_he_could_get_fifty/
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How did Pinocchio discover he was made of wood?

His hand caught fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g43jk/how_did_pinocchio_discover_he_was_made_of_wood/
%
What does a lawyer wear to work?

A lawsuit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g41tz/what_does_a_lawyer_wear_to_work/
%
A pregnant woman is at the bank when it gets robbed and she is shot 3 times as the criminals leave.

She is sent to the doctor who tells her that miraculously she and the unborn babes are fine but the bullets have been incorporated into the children. No need to worry they are fine and will pass the bullets naturally as they grow. Many years go bye and the oldest daughter comes running to the mother, " mommy mommy I just took a pee and a bullet came out". The next day her other daughter comes running in with a similar story. A little later the mother hears a terrible noise upstairs and she runs up to her sons room where the noise came from. Opening the door to a distraught teen who says, "mom, I was wanking and I shot the cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g3zv1/a_pregnant_woman_is_at_the_bank_when_it_gets/
%
The American soccer team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad faces without hope." said Bill Rogers, age 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g3u36/the_american_soccer_team_visited_an_orphanage/
%
The man who invented toaster settings has died.

He'll be cremated at 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g3tz9/the_man_who_invented_toaster_settings_has_died/
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3 men land on an island

One was from Russia one was from London and the other was from New York.
The island has never been discovered by anyone till now so they didn't now what they were getting themselves in to.
While walking in the forest they see a bush.
All of a sudden, a few cannibalistic tribals jump out, the tribals takes them to their camp and present them to the tribe's leader.
The leader says that since they were walking on sacred grounds, they are going to kill them and make you in to a drum.
The leader decided to let the choose how they want to die.
The dude from London said "I'll take the gun."
So they gave him a gun with one Bullet.
The man from Russia said "I'll take the poison."
So they gave him a cup of poison.
The man from New York said "I'll take a fork."
They were confused but gave him a fork anyways.
The man from London takes the gun, says "long live the queen." and shoots himself.
The man from Russia takes the poison, says "for mother Russia.", drinks it and dies
The man from New York takes the fork, yells as loud as he can "MAKE A DRUM OUT OF THIS, IDIOTS" and stabs himself to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g3s7s/3_men_land_on_an_island/
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The girl I like said she’d go out with me if I knew a six letter word that’s a synonym for “calm”...

I said, “It’s sedate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g3o8g/the_girl_i_like_said_shed_go_out_with_me_if_i/
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Ikey and Mikey

There was a father and two sons. The sons were called Ikey and Mikey.
They stayed in their apartment while their dad went to the store. Unfortunately, their dad forgot the keys to his car. He shouted to Ikey, "Throw my key out of the window!"
And then Ikey threw his brother out of the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g3nm0/ikey_and_mikey/
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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.
"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"
Not to be outdone, the second vampire disappears and reappears after 10 seconds with a face covered in blood.
"Do you see that neighbourhood there?"
"Yes"
"I killed everyone in it and drank their blood!"
The third vampire dashes away and reappears in 5 seconds, with his entire body covered in blood.
"Do you see the big tree over there?"
"Yes"
"Well fuck! I didn't!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g3nam/three_vampires_were_having_an_argument/
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Dinner with the Pope

An elderly Priest of a small village by the sea is going to do some fishing one day.  Fishing relaxes him and he has cause to be anxious.  The Pope himself is coming to his humble parish for a visit and will be dining that very evening with him and the parish Nun.
As the priest makes his way through the small township with his fishing rod slung over his shoulder he happens upon a local boy that he knows well, Timmy....
“Father are you going to do a bit of fishing?”
“It just so happens that I am Timmy, would you care to join?”
Timmy agrees and the priest and the lad set out on a small boat.  While out on the boat the priest begins to cast his line out on the open water...
“No father, cast your line that way”
Timmy points the opposite direction.
“That’s where all the fish are, trust me”
The Priest decides to take the boys advice and casts his line in the direction that Timmy recommended.  No sooner had the line hit the water than the priest felt an almighty tug of the line and an hour long battle ensued resulting in the priest, with Timmy’s help of course, landing a massive fish the like of which he had never seen before!
“Praise the lord Timmy this fish is humongous!”
“That certainly is a big fucker”
Timmy said without a hint of mischief.
“TIMMY! I cannot believe you would use that kind of filthy language at all, never mind when in the presence of an elderly clergyman!”
A look of puzzlement followed by recognition crossed Timmy’s young features and he eventually chuckled.
“No father you mis understand me!  That particular fish is called a Phucker fish, spelled P H U C K E R. I apologise for the confusion but I swear to god it is so”
They both had a hearty laugh at the mix up and decided to call it a day.  The priest began his short walk back up the hill to his parochial house with the massive fish over his shoulder feeling a lot calmer after his exertion and after finding a solution as to what to serve the Pope that very evening for dinner.
Upon entering the grounds of his home he was greeted enthusiastically by sister Murphy who had spotted his approach with the extra large fish.
“What a rare size of a fish you have caught father! Well done, it is perfect for supper with the Pope tonight”
Beaming with pride at his accomplishment the priest said....
“ I know it’s a big Phucker isn’t it sister!”
Sister Murphy was shocked and offended by this statement and told the priest so..
“Father not only am I a woman, I am a woman of the Cloth!  And you a man of God,  to hear such bile hateful utterances spewing from your lips blackens my pious heart!”
The priest immediately saw that he was guilty of exactly the same oversight as Timmy and rushed to explain himself...
“Sister I’m sorry but you have me all wrong!  The name of this particular species of fish is the P H U C K E R fish, it sounds rude but believe me it’s merely it’s scientific name”
Satisfied and relieved the Nun sighs loudly and says..
“ oh i see, well give it to me and I’ll gut the Phucker so the Cook can prepare it for this evening”
The Nun was as good as her word and brought the sizeable fish freshly gutted to the church Cook.
“Sister I believe that may be the biggest fish I have ever seen with my own two eyes!  I will prepare a feast for his holiness tonight!”
Sister Murphy handed the fish over and said conversationally...
“I know Cook, the father, little timmy and I all agree it’s an impressive big Phucker”
The chef making the same understandable assumption as the priest and the Nun had that day was dumbfounded and eventually said...
“Sister Murphy, Jesus would weep if he heard such low grade gutter talk coming from a sworn lady of the habit! How dare you besmirch his holy soul in his own house!”
Sister Murphy scolding herself as a fool for making the same faux pax as the priest and Timmy. Explained to the Cook..
“No Cook I am sorry for the confusion, I too thought as you did that the Priest was swearing like a rotten two bit sailor, but alas the name of this breed of fish is a PHUCKER fish!  Accept my sincere apologies”
The Cook was instantly relieved.
“ ah now it makes sense!  Give me that fish here and I’ll cook the Phucker”
That evening everything was set.  The table was resplendent in the finest silver the parish had to offer, the finest wine decanted, candles tastefully lit and the Pope was comfortable and already praising the aromas wafting from the kitchen.  He sat at the head of the table with the Priest on one side of him and Sister Murphy on the other.  He was enjoying a cigar and a Brandy when the Cook came out with the main course beautifully prepared and steaming hot on a silver platter adorned with vegetables and spices.
The Pope was noticeably impressed...
“ praise the Lord I have never seen such a large nor beautifully presented fish in all my years”
The Priest, Nun and Cook were so happy with the praise from such a holy servant of God and they each spoke in turn.
The Priest said...
“I caught the Phucker”
The Nun said.....
“I gutted the Phucker”
Lastly the Cook said...
“And I cooked the Phucker”
The Pope was silent for a few seconds looking contemplative.  After a while he reclined in his seat, took a sip of his brandy and a long pull of his cigar, blew out the smoke and said.....
“You know what?......you Cunts are alright”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g3mpp/dinner_with_the_pope/
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What's the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend, and a housewife?

Hooker: Are you done yet?
Girlfriend: You're done already?
Housewife: The ceiling needs to be painted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g3m7g/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_a/
%
The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of “ Anne Frank’s Diary” was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g3jw8/the_actress_who_played_the_lead_role_in_the_local/
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Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care. … …
Funny how different sisters can be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g3e7p/loyalty_is_very_important_for_my_wife/
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My wife woke me up this morning by smacking me upside the head with a thousand piece jigsaw...

"What the hell did you do that for?" I said, looking puzzled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g3dq2/my_wife_woke_me_up_this_morning_by_smacking_me/
%
How much soda should tropical birds drink?

Two cans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g3953/how_much_soda_should_tropical_birds_drink/
%
A short fortune teller committed a crime, and the police put almost no effort into catching her

Headlines the next day read: Small medium largely ignored.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g35u4/a_short_fortune_teller_committed_a_crime_and_the/
%
Did you hear about the guy who survived pepper spray and mustard gas?

He's a real seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g350e/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_survived_pepper/
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I used to be Christian...

Her: I used to be Christian.
Him: Its all right, I don't really care for those sort of things.
Her: Thank god! Its much better now that i'm Christine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g3068/i_used_to_be_christian/
%
Two squares crashed into each other,

it was a wreck-tangle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g2yw3/two_squares_crashed_into_each_other/
%
Three boys pass by an old mans house

while he’s on the porch carrying chicken wire.
Old man: why do you kids have all that chicken wire?
Boys: we are going to catch some chickens.
Old man: that’s not how it works?!?
Three hours later the boys come walking back with chickens in each hand. The next day, the three boys come walking by again.
Old man: why do you boys have all that duct tape?
Boys: we are going to catch some ducks!
Old man: that’s not... nvm
A few hours later they come strolling back. Each carrying a bunch of ducks. A few days go by and no sign of the boys. Then the old man spots them.
Old man: hey what do you have there boys?
Boys: some pussy willow.
Old man: hold on let me get my hat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g2xct/three_boys_pass_by_an_old_mans_house/
%
I asked my art teacher how to draw people.

He suggested I work on my personality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g2v2h/i_asked_my_art_teacher_how_to_draw_people/
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“Give it to me!” She yelled. "I’m so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted.
I was keeping the umbrella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g2mt4/give_it_to_me_she_yelled_im_so_fucking_wet_give/
%
I know a guy who thinks he's a peanut shell.

He's a real nutcase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g2f7u/i_know_a_guy_who_thinks_hes_a_peanut_shell/
%
I used to be indecisive...

But now I’m not so sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g2f00/i_used_to_be_indecisive/
%
Mom: "Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?"

Son: "Well would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?"
Mom: "No, Never!"
Son: "Well, neither would he!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g27su/mom_why_dont_you_talk_to_john_anymore_you_used_to/
%
The first rule about Thesaurus club is

that you do not talk, speak, prattle, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, or converse about Thesaurus Club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g242i/the_first_rule_about_thesaurus_club_is/
%
It's easy to talk to the dead.

The hard part is getting them to answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g23tc/its_easy_to_talk_to_the_dead/
%
Getting old sucks.

But getting sucked never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g23c6/getting_old_sucks/
%
How do you inherit a flatulent vagina?

It's bequeefed to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g1tlc/how_do_you_inherit_a_flatulent_vagina/
%
I left my job as a Concrete Worker.

It just seemed to get HARDER and HARDER.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g1pqh/i_left_my_job_as_a_concrete_worker/
%
I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me eggs Benedict.

So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g1pn7/i_wasnt_going_to_visit_my_family_this_december/
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A man decides to get a pet for his wife for Christmas

He walks until the only pet store in town and begins to browse. He started to walk towards the dogs, but noticed the parrots next to the checkout. As he admires the birds, he notices that one of them was triple the price of the rest.
Intrigued, the man asks the owner, "What is so special about this bird that makes him so much more than the others?"
"That's Chet, and not only has he been trained to speak, but he also sings Christmas songs on command!"
The man is further intrigued, and asks to see a demonstration. So the owner reaches into the top drawer and grabs a match. He then puts the match under the birds foot, and Chet begins to sing.
" Deck the halls with boughs of Holly! "
Impressed, the man lets Chet finish his song, then asks the owner, "What if you move the match to the other foot?"
The owner moves the match and Chet again begins to sing.
"Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the way!"
The man is again impressed and lets the bird finish his song. At this point, the man is very interested in purchasing the bird, but he wants to know if Chet has any more tricks up his sleeve, so he asks the owner
" What happens if you put the match between his legs?"
The owner looks slightly intrigued himself this time, "You know, I have never tried" So he moves the match and Chet once again begins to sing:
"Chet's nuts roasting, on an open fire!"
And his songs have graced my halls ever since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g1p94/a_man_decides_to_get_a_pet_for_his_wife_for/
%
They say six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine. But why? Seven did the healthy thing.

...eat three squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g1hxi/they_say_six_is_afraid_of_seven_because_seven_ate/
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We're getting a divorce after 45 years..

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g1dm6/were_getting_a_divorce_after_45_years/
%
It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.
One day, a businessman comes up to him and asks him for a favor: “Can you catch me some of those delicious trout lurking in the Mariana Trench? Now most trout nowadays are found in freshwater, but in the year 2200, the trout have developed mechanisms to survive in extremely high water pressures as well as a saltwater environment. The fisherman nonchalantly agreed, charged the regular fee and set out on his tiny boat. He climbed into his submarine, dove down 200 km (127 freedom units), and launched his brilliantly designed fishing net. With flawless maneuvering and steering, he would have cleared out almost the entire trench if he wasn’t limited by the size of the net and the ascent speed of his submarine. At the end of the day, he gathered enough trout to feed the small city for a day.
The next week, the same businessman comes up to the fisherman and asks him for another favor: “Can you catch me some of those rare piranhas in the Nile?”. Now, piranhas nowadays are known for their sharp teeth, but in the year 2200, they’ve evolved so that their teeth are even sharper than before, capable of tearing through rock. They also became much more aggressive and will attack practically anything that falls in the water. They invaded the Nile after an accident at a zoo. The fisherman, however wasn’t fazed. He bought a ticket to Egypt with the wealth that he has acquired. He put his iron-clad boat into the river and set out his titanium-wired net. Once again, he almost cleaned out the entire river in one day, and gathered enough fish to feed the small city for two days.
One month later, the businessman comes up to the fisherman AGAIN and asks him for the biggest favor yet. “No one has been able to capture any of the polar salmon! If you get these, we’ll be set for life!”. The fisherman has never had any intention to go to the Arctic before, as he dislikes cold weather, but with his reputation and pride on the line, he sets out to capture this elusive fish. Compared to the other two, this should be the easiest, as the salmon lurks around the surface of the water and are not dangerous to handle. However, the fisherman tried and tried but was unable to catch these salmon. He tried upgrading the motor of the boat, the power output of the arm controlling the net, acquiring better bait, but none of it worked. The fish would always find someway to escape, and would never approach any bait that was set out. The fisherman never got close. Just when he was about to give up, he saw an old man fishing with an old wooden rod next to his igloo. Next to him was a sizeable amount of polar salmon. Astounded, the fisherman walked up to the man.
“How were you able to catch these salmon? I tried baiting them, but they wouldn’t come. I tried running them down, but it’s as if all of them know where I am before I even get close to them!”
The old man replied: “I see you’re new around these parts. When the ice caps melted, a huge iron repository was found, and it contaminated the water. The salmon migrated here and the iron fused in the salmon’s nervous system. They have their own internal magnet now and can sense the electromagnetic fields radiating out of your electronically powered net. The old man lent the fisherman an old wooden net and taught him the best places to find the salmon.
In short, Net Neutrality is Important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g16fg/it_is_the_year_2200/
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What are two of the most unexpected words?

Spanish inquisition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g16cd/what_are_two_of_the_most_unexpected_words/
%
A lizard walks into the bar...

A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. “What’s your kid’s name?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,” says the lizard. “Because he’s my newt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g0xwt/a_lizard_walks_into_the_bar/
%
I'm getting my wife a new prosthetic leg for Christmas.

It's not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g0we2/im_getting_my_wife_a_new_prosthetic_leg_for/
%
Did you hear about the corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g0vtd/did_you_hear_about_the_corduroy_pillows/
%
What's worse than no nut November?

No net December.
Defend net neutrality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g0uhi/whats_worse_than_no_nut_november/
%
What happens if you give Donald Trump viagra?

He gets taller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g0o89/what_happens_if_you_give_donald_trump_viagra/
%
A man's logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."
The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to.....me or the machine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g0lgv/a_mans_logic/
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A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g0ixn/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
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The new IT guy at my company is from Australia.

He comes from a LAN down under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g0he3/the_new_it_guy_at_my_company_is_from_australia/
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(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN

Ha! I just foiled your plan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g0dxg/plan_papnlaln/
%
There's actually very little demand for nihilist merchandise.

I guess it's a Nietzsche market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g09j3/theres_actually_very_little_demand_for_nihilist/
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A feminist asked me how I see lesbian relationships

"In 1080p" was apparently the wrong answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7g02w6/a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_see_lesbian/
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An American walks into an Irish pub

An Irishman yells, "Oi, Yank! Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?"
"Err... I'm atheist," the tourist says awkwardly.
"Ahh, but which one don't you believe in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fzv1a/an_american_walks_into_an_irish_pub/
%
Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell. When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere. Suddenly, a loud booming voice says,

"John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance. Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.
"Paul! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." Paul is suddenly whisked away, clawing the ground as he is dragged off.
Bob stands alone in the room, quaking with fear, when Kate Upton walks in! He can't believe his luck! Suddenly, the voice says,
"Kate! You have sinned!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fzowe/three_men_john_paul_and_bob_live_horrible_lives/
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What do you get when you cross a fisherman with a jazz enthusiast?

An Anglo-Saxon ^^I'm ^^^So ^^^^Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fzi44/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_fisherman_with_a/
%
My girlfriend sent me this email today: "Helpmyspacebarisbrokencanyougivemeanalternative?"

The hell's a ternative?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fz9nv/my_girlfriend_sent_me_this_email_today/
%
Relationship

s are just like algebra, ever looked at your X and wonder Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fz9mb/relationship/
%
What do you call someone who immigrates to Sweden?

Artificial Swedener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fz5bv/what_do_you_call_someone_who_immigrates_to_sweden/
%
What's a Russian's favorite clothing material?

Lenin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fz4ce/whats_a_russians_favorite_clothing_material/
%
I once knew an axeman who was great at psychology

He could really get inside your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fyuz1/i_once_knew_an_axeman_who_was_great_at_psychology/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because the difference between them is a negative one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fyupq/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
What do you call a horse that was average in school?

A *C horse*
(Hah)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fytuy/what_do_you_call_a_horse_that_was_average_in/
%
What is a teddy bears favorite food...

Stuffing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fytf1/what_is_a_teddy_bears_favorite_food/
%
Why is North Korean music so bad?

They've got no Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fyt9g/why_is_north_korean_music_so_bad/
%
One man's trash is another man's treasure

Maybe that wasn't the best way to tell my son he's adopted...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fysjl/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
I'm 60 days clean now!

It's hard showering every day, but luckily i had heroin to help me through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fyn18/im_60_days_clean_now/
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Dads favorite medical school joke.

Medical students were attending their 1st biochemistry class. They all gathered around the Lab table with a urine sample. The professor dip his finger in urine & tasted it in his own mouth.   Then he asked the students to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes, but at last every one dipped their finger in urine sample & tasted it....  When everyone finished, the professor looked at them & said: “The most important quality is 'Observation'.  I dipped my MIDDLE Finger but tasted the INDEX Finger. Today you just learn, how to pay attention.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fyki3/dads_favorite_medical_school_joke/
%
My true love was a math professor

She is now my x and I am left wondering y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fykag/my_true_love_was_a_math_professor/
%
These friars were behind on their belfry payments...

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone preferred to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only **Hugh can prevent florist friars.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fyhgg/these_friars_were_behind_on_their_belfry_payments/
%
There’s two mice chewing on a roll of film.

One of them says to the other, “I think the book was better”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fyf1d/theres_two_mice_chewing_on_a_roll_of_film/
%
I once had my wallet stolen by a rodent who didn't know his father.

That rat bastard took all my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fycr6/i_once_had_my_wallet_stolen_by_a_rodent_who_didnt/
%
I'm Going To Open A New Furniture Shop

It's going to specialize in couches/sofas/chairs, etc...
It shall be named:
The Shack of Sit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fy7rb/im_going_to_open_a_new_furniture_shop/
%
My friend`s shagging twins,who both like it up the ass. I asked "how do you tell them apart?" "Easy" he said...

Sallys got long blond hair,and Derek's got a moustache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fy689/my_friends_shagging_twinswho_both_like_it_up_the/
%
A couple with a 9 year old son are in their home...

A couple with a 9 year old son are in their home when the doorbell rings. Surprise surprise its an old friend they haven't met in a loooong time. So the wife and son immediately begin to prepare dinner in the kitchen for the guest while her husband entertains him in the living room.
Unfortunately, the wife only has soup at home. No main course or dessert or anything. Just plain old chicken noodle soup. So she has a plan.
The wife tells her son, "Listen, I'm gonna go invite the guest and your father to the table for dinner. Then I'm gonna call out your name to tell you to bring out the meal. When I do, you're gonna make it seem like we had food but you dropped it all save for the soup. Just shout 'Mom, I accidentally dropped...' and then say any dish you want. Then he won't think badly of us for only serving chicken noodle soup."
The son agrees, excited to be part of the plan. So the wife goes to invite her husband and the guest to the dinner table.
"Son, bring out the meal," she called.
CRASH
He shouts happily from the kitchen, "Motherrrrrr...I dropped the chicken noodle soup!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fy5az/a_couple_with_a_9_year_old_son_are_in_their_home/
%
I watched hockey before it was cool.

They were basically swimming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fy1zl/i_watched_hockey_before_it_was_cool/
%
A mechanic, an electrician and a software developer were in a car.

The car stops working.
-It's the carburetor, says the mechanic. We just have to get down and clean it.
-It's the ignition, says the electrician. We have to check the spark plugs and we'll make it work.
-"Guys, I propose getting out of the car and getting back in and maybe it will start working."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fxztk/a_mechanic_an_electrician_and_a_software/
%
Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

Because they cant defend the towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fxqq2/why_are_americans_so_bad_at_league_of_legends/
%
Hitler, Salin, and EA were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked
Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"
EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!"
Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the most hated of all?"
The group agreed and Hitler left to go make the vote. After counting the ballots, Hitler returns and asks:
"Who the fuck is Ajit Pai!?"
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
EDIT 2: I made the front page, and was guilded! Thanks guys! I hope my joke made your day just a little better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fxqkc/hitler_salin_and_ea_were_having_a_debate/
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What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fxcb5/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Man walks into a bar

and orders 10 shots of tequila. Bartender surprised by the order asks what's the occasion? The man says "I just had my first blow job". With cheer in his voice bartender says "well if it's so, then I'll throw in 1 on the house". the mans says "if 10 shots can't wash that taste out of my mouth, I doubt 11 will"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fx3pj/man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a Necron and a Lawyer?

One is an emotionless robot with no respect for human life, the other is a faction in warhammer 40k

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fx2rv/whats_the_difference_between_a_necron_and_a_lawyer/
%
I'm pretty sure my F5 key isn't working anymore

I keep seeing the same jokes on here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fx293/im_pretty_sure_my_f5_key_isnt_working_anymore/
%
"Build it and they will come"

thought the inventor of the dildo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwzj5/build_it_and_they_will_come/
%
If sex with animals is called beastiality...

Is sex with fat people called fatality?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwyvp/if_sex_with_animals_is_called_beastiality/
%
Damn Amazon and their Black Friday deals

I ordered 4 Kindles and they sent me a 2 Ronnies DVD instead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwytm/damn_amazon_and_their_black_friday_deals/
%
After spending 20 minutes trying to take my girlfriend's bra off, I've decided to give up

I wish I'd never put it on now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwyg4/after_spending_20_minutes_trying_to_take_my/
%
Kim Jung Un responds to why he doesn't let people leave North Korea.

Kim Jung Un has said "The intent is to provide people with a sense of pride and accomplishment for escaping North Korea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwvsj/kim_jung_un_responds_to_why_he_doesnt_let_people/
%
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now when you talk about Botox no one raises an eyebrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwvfh/cosmetic_surgery_used_to_be_such_a_taboo_subject/
%
Mickey goes to a lawyer.

Lawyer: so it says here that you want to divorce Minnie because she was... extremely silly?
Mickey: no, I said she was fucking goofy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwv96/mickey_goes_to_a_lawyer/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

...and a table...
...and a chair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwpp2/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A communist joke isn’t funny

Unless everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwpay/a_communist_joke_isnt_funny/
%
A photon walks into a hotel

The hotel clerk asks, "Do you have any luggage?"
The photon responds, "No, I'm travelling light"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwoxr/a_photon_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
An octopus was killed in a shootout last week

Police say he was heavily armed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwow6/an_octopus_was_killed_in_a_shootout_last_week/
%
My uncle died of asbestosis.

It took 3 weeks to cremate him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwk0i/my_uncle_died_of_asbestosis/
%
I was walking along when I saw a drinks stand.

There was a sign that said: "All drinks are £3"
So I walked up to the guy and he asked, "What drink would you like?"
I said, "All of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwgzl/i_was_walking_along_when_i_saw_a_drinks_stand/
%
Crazy Bob

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwa57/crazy_bob/
%
What do you call a British sperm donor?

An investment wanker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fwa3n/what_do_you_call_a_british_sperm_donor/
%
I farted in an Apple store

And everyone complained. Its not my fault they don't have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fw865/i_farted_in_an_apple_store/
%
It's all binary

Wife: "Honey, do you still find me attractive after all these years?"
Husband: "You are a 10 in my book babe."
Wife: "You are so sweet."
Husband: "Not a thing dear, it's all binary to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fw6c3/its_all_binary/
%
Thank you for explaining to me the meaning of redundant.

No really, thank you for explaining the meaning of the word redundant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fw5wh/thank_you_for_explaining_to_me_the_meaning_of/
%
I tried to come up with an original joke

It ended up here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fw4ly/i_tried_to_come_up_with_an_original_joke/
%
Working on an airline, you receive free or reduced-priced flights.

Such was the case when Roger Gay took the opportunity of a free flight from London to Manchester. He boarded the flight some minutes before it was due to leave the terminal. The flight was filling up. Roger's allocated seat was already taken, so he sat in another, vacant seat.
A few minutes later a woman in airline uniform (not a stewardess) holding a clip-board marched up to the man in Roger's originally allocated seat and in her official capacity asked, “Are you Gay?”
The man sank down in his seat, blushed and sheepishly uttered, “Yes.”
The woman said, “Then you have to get off.”
Roger, realising that the airline had over-booked and he had to give up his perk seat, put his hand up and said, “I'm Gay,” and started to get up.
Immediately another passenger stands up and miltantly calls out, “I'm gay too! They can't chuck us all off.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fw1w9/working_on_an_airline_you_receive_free_or/
%
When people start bullying me about my weight, I cut myself.....

another piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fw0mw/when_people_start_bullying_me_about_my_weight_i/
%
Man at a stop sign

So , a police officer is monitoring a road that has a stop sign and is known to be a problem for people who don't come to a full and complete stop.
After a few minutes he observes a person come to the stop sign, slow down and proceed on thru.
He stops the person and starts to write them a ticket. The person explains they are a lawyer and they believe that while they didn't come to a complete stop what they did was the same thing.
The police officer says to the person "So you think slowing down is the same as stopping". The person explains that they have many years of education and they really do believe it is the same thing.
The police officer asks the person to get out of the car and immediately starts to hit the person with his night stick and says "So now, would you like me to STOP or just slow down".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fw0l6/man_at_a_stop_sign/
%
When a man says that he will do something, he will do it.

no need to remind him every 6 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fvz78/when_a_man_says_that_he_will_do_something_he_will/
%
With Prince Harry and Meghan Markle getting engaged, it’s great to progress past old prejudices.

Fair play to her for agreeing to marry a ginger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fvxo0/with_prince_harry_and_meghan_markle_getting/
%
Three Terrorists apply for ISIS ...

* First Terrorist enters the job interview:
Q: Name?
A: Mohammed.
Q: Biggest accomplishment?
A: Robbed a Bank, killed 2 Officers.
Q: How many Letters are in the Alphabet?
A: 26.
* Second Terrorist enters:
Q: Name?
A: Ibrahim.
Q: Biggest accomplishment?
A: Hacked 306 Facebook accounts posting "Alahu Akbar!"
Q: How many Letters are in the Alphabet?
A: 26.
* Third Terrorist enters:
Q: Name?
A: Mustafa.
Q: Biggest accomplishment?
A: Wiped out a big Company.
Q: How many Letters are in the Alphabet?
A: 24.
Q: Why only 24?
A: EA is no more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fvvgc/three_terrorists_apply_for_isis/
%
im thinking about removing my spine...

i feel like its only holding me back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fvnml/im_thinking_about_removing_my_spine/
%
What Are You Here For?

Two kids are in hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys. “What are you here for?” asked the first child.
“I’m here to get my tonsils removed,” says the second child.
“Don’t worry,” the first child says. “I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream you want!”
The second child asks the first child, “What are you’re here for?”
“I’m here for a circumcision,” says the first child.
“Oh my God,” says the second child. “I had that done when I was born, I did not walk for a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fvmf4/what_are_you_here_for/
%
Thinking of becoming a cannibal.

If I had to resort to cannibalism, I would want the person I’m eating to be a vegetarian. I like irony and prefer grass-fed steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fvm1l/thinking_of_becoming_a_cannibal/
%
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days...

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.
I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fvltm/my_friend_keeps_telling_me_to_cheer_up_these_days/
%
One day Donald Trump's nudes will leak...

And he'll do a press conference where he will announce: FAKE NUUUUDES

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fvkxz/one_day_donald_trumps_nudes_will_leak/
%
Why is suicide illegal?

destruction of government property.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fvkgv/why_is_suicide_illegal/
%
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks tell them it’s 12345678

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fv8vl/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
%
A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"

Wife: "That's your job."
Hasband: "Says who?"
Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."
Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fv764/a_newlywed_couple_lay_in_bed_one_morning_husband/
%
Why do Mormons get married on Black Friday?

Because they get 2 for 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fv66m/why_do_mormons_get_married_on_black_friday/
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A woman has 12 children throughout her life

For her 60th birthday her kids all chip in some money for her to choose a present. She decides to get her vagina tidied up, as it now resembles a badly packed kebab.
Waking up after the operation, she sees 3 cards on the windowsill.
She recognises the handwriting on the first as her sister's, the card reads "hope all went well, love, I'll come see you soon.
The second card she recognises her husband's handwriting, with the message "can't wait to have a go now, I bet you're tight as a mouse's ear."
The third card she doesn't know the writing so she opens it.
"Hello, you don't know me but my name is Kevin and I'm writing to you from the burns ward a few floors down from you. Thanks for my new ears!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fv52s/a_woman_has_12_children_throughout_her_life/
%
What’s the best thing you can do if you see a kidnapping?

You let them get their rest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fv1cf/whats_the_best_thing_you_can_do_if_you_see_a/
%
Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.
I’m scared.
I think I’m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fuz0z/ever_since_i_was_a_child_ive_always_had_a_fear_of/
%
I hate my anus...

Always on my ass, giving me shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fuyq6/i_hate_my_anus/
%
A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few to many, not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fuwx3/a_warning_to_all/
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Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety

Whenever I’m on stage people keep laughing at me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fuv6k/being_a_comedian_is_really_bad_for_my_anxiety/
%
A guy walks into an eletronics store

Employee: *Hello Sir, how may I be of assistance*
Guy: *My dishwasher just died on me, I was wondering if I could get a similar one*
Employee: *Sure thing Sir, what was the make and model?*
Guy: *Fat, Brown Hair, Brown Eyed Virgo with an annoying mother*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fuuhw/a_guy_walks_into_an_eletronics_store/
%
Someone called me pretentious today.

I nearly choked on my honey-cardamom latte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7futo6/someone_called_me_pretentious_today/
%
Q: Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

A: Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say: "Bach, Bach, Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fuqz4/q_why_did_mozart_kill_all_his_chickens/
%
An engineer dies and...

An Engineer dies, and goes to Hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort down there, he starts designing and building improvements. After
a while Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God rings down and asks Satan,"So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him back up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff.. I'm keeping him".
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue".
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fupiz/an_engineer_dies_and/
%
Me: *washing car with son*

Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7funol/me_washing_car_with_son/
%
This morning there was a tap on my door

My plumber has a weird sense of humor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fumva/this_morning_there_was_a_tap_on_my_door/
%
I wish my college was run by EA

At least I’d get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fukkv/i_wish_my_college_was_run_by_ea/
%
Did you hear about all the kids who were shipped off to mime school?

They were never heard from again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fukkw/did_you_hear_about_all_the_kids_who_were_shipped/
%
What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marx-man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fuie9/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
My new girlfriend reckons I'm no good in bed...

...but I don't see how she can make a judgement like that in less than a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fuh8k/my_new_girlfriend_reckons_im_no_good_in_bed/
%
A woman complains to her husband about the blisters on her hands

"I have so many blisters from using this broom" says the wife
"well maybe use the car next time" the husband replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fugz2/a_woman_complains_to_her_husband_about_the/
%
"The elephant is vegetarian" I smugly declared as I put on my scientist's hat.

"Oh, and how would you know that?" retorted my wife, as she often does when I make such sweeping assertions.
"Well," I said, "I have examined elephant turd carefully and I have found it to be quite vegetarian."
"In fact," I unwisely continued, "If you were to pick up an elephant turd carefully you could easily pass it off as spinach pie during your next family reunion."
I got the silent treatment for the next two weeks but, in my view, it was completely worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fu828/the_elephant_is_vegetarian_i_smugly_declared_as_i/
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You ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fu7oo/you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
%
A slightly overweight transgendered person walks into a health food store

the manager instantly runs up and tells her to leave the store, "why?" she asks confusedly, the manager points angrily at a sign on the door
"No trans fats"
(I dont mean to offend anyone, I just heard this from a trans friend.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ftypn/a_slightly_overweight_transgendered_person_walks/
%
Never hit a man with glasses...

Hit him with a baseball bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ftxic/never_hit_a_man_with_glasses/
%
I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of coins at me

I get that you have more money than me, no need to rub it in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ftwke/i_hate_it_when_homeless_people_shake_their_cups/
%
(NSFW) What do you call a dog that's been neutered/desexed?

It doesn't matter what you call it, it isn't cumming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ftw7i/nsfw_what_do_you_call_a_dog_thats_been/
%
All prostitutes...

starts off as noobstitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fttsw/all_prostitutes/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a photo of Jesus?

The photo needs only one nail to hang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ftq8r/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_photo_of/
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So, these 3 brothers buy a donkey for their farm...

After just 3 days of working, the donkey dies. The youngest brother decides to bury the donkey in the nearby forest. He brings his shovel, grabs the donkey and goes out. On his way to the forest he remembers that there is a very deep lake somewhere around. After a few hours of searching he finds the lake and dumps the donkey. Out comes a fairy. The fairy tells the brother that she'll return his donkey alive , but on one condition. Being in the woods, she hardly got any sex for the last hundred years and he has to fuck her a total of 10 times. Now the brother gets really excited. He unzips his pants and starts fucking her. But being young and inexperienced he quickly gets tired, and by the time he starts to fuck her for the 9th time, he dies of a heart stroke. The fairy pulls him back into the lake.
It's been quite some time since the youngest brother went out. And the middle brother decides to go out and look for him. After a lot of searching he finally reaches the lake and decides to drink some water. Out comes the fairy. She requests him the same thing but only this time he has to fuck her 20 times as she will return both the donkey and his brother alive. The middle brother happily agrees. But even he could not keep up. By the time he starts to fuck her for the 16th time, he is dead.
The two brothers were missing for quite a while now. The elder brother decides to go out and look for them. Find out what's taking so long. After a few hours of wandering he also stumbles upon the lake. Out comes the fairy, but this time he has to fuck her 50 times. The eldest brother fucks her a 100 times. The fairy dies.
He returns happily with his alive brothers and the donkey. The villagers on hearing the story are amazed. They keep on asking. "You killed the fairy just by fucking her? How did you do that?"
"Well I fucked the donkey to death, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fthzk/so_these_3_brothers_buy_a_donkey_for_their_farm/
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After my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed....

My address, my job, my phone number...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fth0q/after_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_everything/
%
A woman arrives at the pearly gates and meets Peter....

Peter says right this way. As they start to go the woman hears a whizzing noise like a drill and a blood curdling scream.
She looks terrified and says "What's that?!"
Peter says "it's ok that's just the lady before you. They're just drilling a hole in the back of her head to fit her halo. Don't worry it only hurts for a second."
Not entirely comforted the woman continues walking.
They hear the whizz and scream again.
The blood drains from the woman's face "What's that now?!"
Peter calmly replies "No need for alarm, just a few more holes. That's just them drilling to fit her wings."
The women is terrified and says "ok, nope I'm done i want to go down there instead," gesturing to hell.
Peter is shocked and says "oh no you don't want to do that! They'll rape and sodomise you down there!"
"That's ok", she says, "I've got the holes for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ftc0j/a_woman_arrives_at_the_pearly_gates_and_meets/
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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ftaln/nymphomaniac_convention/
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Agnes married and had 13 children...

Agnes married and had 13 children.
When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, theyre finally together.
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ftakg/agnes_married_and_had_13_children/
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Little Johnny returns to school after Thanksgiving break,..

and the teacher asks the class if anyone had an experience they learned from over the vacation.
The first child raises their hand and says, "I spilled my milk at dinner and I learned not to cry over spilled milk."
The teacher says very good and calls on Little Johnny next.
Johnny launches into a story, " One time in Vietnam my uncle was trapped behind enemy lines with nothing but a bottle of whiskey, an M16 with 30 bullets and a bayonet surrounded by 50 enemy troops. First he drank the whole bottle then shot 30 men then stabbed the last 20 with his bayonet and walked back to his camp."
The whole class was stunned into silence. Finally the teacher gets her wits about her and says to Johnny, "That was an amazing story, but what lesson did you learn from that?"
Little Johnny replies,"Don't fuck with my uncle when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fssgu/little_johnny_returns_to_school_after/
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I lost my watch in a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over there, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fsrkp/i_lost_my_watch_in_a_party_once/
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I was wondering why it was so dark outside...

Then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fspzm/i_was_wondering_why_it_was_so_dark_outside/
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I was having intimate relations with a married woman.

A car pulled into the garage, and the woman said, "Oh no it's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"
Thinking back, I should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fsj89/i_was_having_intimate_relations_with_a_married/
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A recent survey found only 20% of parents were eating dinner with their children...

...the other 80% were using a knife and fork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fsghh/a_recent_survey_found_only_20_of_parents_were/
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I always hope to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fsfyp/i_always_hope_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like/
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Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fsdq0/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
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What dating app do Catholic Priests use?

Amber Alerts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fs4jm/what_dating_app_do_catholic_priests_use/
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So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'?

It's not the end of the world !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fs2wx/so_what_if_i_dont_know_the_meaning_of_the_word/
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Why don’t blind people go skydiving?

Because it scares their service dogs too much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fs1qc/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
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Sleep

It weird how everyone sleeps differently. I happen to sleep on my side while my friend sleeps on her back. While my Ex sleeps with everyone. Pretty weird you know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frxh1/sleep/
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An elderly man and woman meet in a bar

and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.
The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."
The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frwoe/an_elderly_man_and_woman_meet_in_a_bar/
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A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror…

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frw6q/a_woman_is_standing_looking_in_the_bedroom_mirror/
%
A man in is a golf course locker room when...

He hears a cell phone ringing and picks it up
"Hi Honey how was golfing?"
"Good. How is your day going?"
"Good. I was wondering if I could buy this necklace for $250 is that okay?"
"Of course! Put it on my card."
"Since you're in such a good mood, can we get the new Mercedes we have been talking about?"
"Of course go to the dealership right after and put a down payment down!"
" Wow you must have played a good round of golf! Now I know you really didn't want to go on vacation to Italy but maybe your golf has changed your mind?"
"It has indeed. Book us first class tickets and get us the nicest hotel you can get!"
" Oh my god that sounds amazing honey, I can't wait to see you when you get back."
The phone call then ends and he puts down the phone.
He then looks around and says:
"Anyone know whose phone this is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frub1/a_man_in_is_a_golf_course_locker_room_when/
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I’m a big country fan

China is one of my favourites

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frtop/im_a_big_country_fan/
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I really don't trust stairs...

... they are always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frtcp/i_really_dont_trust_stairs/
%
Heard someone say this and it made me smile

‘Thank God I’m an atheist’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frsqt/heard_someone_say_this_and_it_made_me_smile/
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What goes up, and never comes down?

Your Comcast Bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frs0a/what_goes_up_and_never_comes_down/
%
What do Stanford and UCLA graduates have in common?

They applied to Stanford.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frr9g/what_do_stanford_and_ucla_graduates_have_in_common/
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What's black and stuck to the wall?

A bad electrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frqr0/whats_black_and_stuck_to_the_wall/
%
Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years

to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack.
"That must be expensive," Bob replied.
"He charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him.
"$5,000!!! How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob.
"I don't know. That's his problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frj0b/jack_had_been_a_compulsive_worrier_for_years/
%
I got a vasectomy but my wife still got pregnant

Apparently all it does is change the color of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frido/i_got_a_vasectomy_but_my_wife_still_got_pregnant/
%
How do you get a snowboarder off your front porch!?

Pay for the pizza...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frh30/how_do_you_get_a_snowboarder_off_your_front_porch/
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A Roman walks into a bar...

A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says to the bartender, “I’ll have five beers please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frgoy/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An old man and a child walk into the woods

The child says “Why are we here, I’m scared.” The old man replies: “You’re scared?!?! I’m gonna have to walk back out alone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frgoi/an_old_man_and_a_child_walk_into_the_woods/
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Two hillbillies are in a restaurant.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frgj5/two_hillbillies_are_in_a_restaurant/
%
If Caitlin Jenner was a super hero

Would she be an X-man or a Transformer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frf2d/if_caitlin_jenner_was_a_super_hero/
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If I could have dinner with one person, alive or dead, I think I would probably choose...

alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frbc4/if_i_could_have_dinner_with_one_person_alive_or/
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How does a cat make whipped cream?

With it's whiskers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frb90/how_does_a_cat_make_whipped_cream/
%
Son: "Dad, tell me a joke."

Dad: "Pussy."
Son: "I don't get it."
Dad: "*I know.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7frasp/son_dad_tell_me_a_joke/
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The Specialists

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One specialist looks up your family tree and the other looks up your family bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fr80t/the_specialists/
%
A limbo champion and an equestrian walked in to a bar

And both were immediately disqualified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fr3q8/a_limbo_champion_and_an_equestrian_walked_in_to_a/
%
I have the hardest time with numbers divisible by 2.

I can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fr3f3/i_have_the_hardest_time_with_numbers_divisible_by/
%
The principal was visiting the 5th grade class, so the teacher told the girls if anyone says anything inappropriate they should run away from the classroom. The principal comes in and listens to the class and at one point a boy says "Did you see that whorehouse they are building down the street?".

The girls start covering their ears and running away.The boy says "Where are you running sluts, they only laid the foundations!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fr1l6/the_principal_was_visiting_the_5th_grade_class_so/
%
Here's a tip! If your phone autocorrects "fuck" to "duck", don't bother correcting it...

It's still fowl language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fqyr4/heres_a_tip_if_your_phone_autocorrects_fuck_to/
%
After Beethoven died and they buried him, you could hear his symphonies from the grave in the descending order, first his symphony No. 9, then No. 8 etc.

He was just decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fqyf2/after_beethoven_died_and_they_buried_him_you/
%
What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fqvxu/what_did_the_two_tampons_say_to_each_other/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I had sex with anyone before we met.

I said, "No, not today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fqtnr/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_had_sex_with_anyone/
%
My dad taught me everything I know about passing gas.

I've been under his tootelage my whole life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fqrmg/my_dad_taught_me_everything_i_know_about_passing/
%
Your mom is so ugly, when she gives a blowjob...

It counts as anal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fqpvg/your_mom_is_so_ugly_when_she_gives_a_blowjob/
%
My girlfriend and I used a corduroy condom for the first time last night...

It was a groovy kind of love...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fqptz/my_girlfriend_and_i_used_a_corduroy_condom_for/
%
Christmas

It's only 29 days to Christmas.
I fucking hate Christmas.
Whoever invented it should be crucified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fqp6q/christmas/
%
[NSFW] John is moving into a house in the country

John is moving into a house in the country. His neighbor, Paul, pulls down the drive way and greets John. Paul invites John to his house party the following week end.
"There's gonna be a lot of drinkin', a lot of fightin', and a lot of fuckin' goin' on," Paul tells John.
"Oh, okay" John replies, "what should I wear?"
"Ah hell", Paul responds, "it don't matter, it's just gonna be you and me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fqorr/nsfw_john_is_moving_into_a_house_in_the_country/
%
A man goes to see a psychiatrist wearing nothing but plastic shrink wrap for clothes.

The doctor looks at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fqo0o/a_man_goes_to_see_a_psychiatrist_wearing_nothing/
%
We’ll we’ll we’ll

If it isn’t auto correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fqddv/well_well_well/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fqbax/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
%
10 years ago to this day, I cut myself with a stick of RAM

I guess you could say I have a pretty sharp memory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fq8gg/10_years_ago_to_this_day_i_cut_myself_with_a/
%
I was walking through the woods yesterday and came up to a river…

I was hoping to find a bridge, but I’ll get over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fq30j/i_was_walking_through_the_woods_yesterday_and/
%
A grasshopper walks into a bar

and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fq2y7/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What’s the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fq2pi/whats_the_worst_part_about_locking_your_keys_in/
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I took my mother in law out today

I love being a sniper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fpwm5/i_took_my_mother_in_law_out_today/
%
On his deathbed, on old Jew tells his wife:

‘Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no?’ - ‘ Sure I was, Moshe’
‘When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me, no?- ‘ I was Moshe.’
‘And now you’re at my death bed, aren’t you?’ - ‘I am, darling’
‘I’m starting to think you’re bad luck, Sarah.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fpw07/on_his_deathbed_on_old_jew_tells_his_wife/
%
Twins

One day a man named Joe gets a phone call from his pal Rick.
As soon as Joe answers the phone, Rick says,
"Hey man! I just had a threesome with two twins!"
Joe responds,
"Well no shit, how was it!"
"Well she was great, but the brothers mustache kinda tickled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fptpa/twins/
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ISIS and Al-Qaeda go to war with each other. Who wins?

Everyone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fpsbv/isis_and_alqaeda_go_to_war_with_each_other_who/
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First bird gets the worm, second mouse gets the cheese but the third wife gets

The White House

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fprrz/first_bird_gets_the_worm_second_mouse_gets_the/
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What's Leatherface's favourite social media?

Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fpo15/whats_leatherfaces_favourite_social_media/
%
some people think dick and balls are all one system

however, theres a vas deferens between the two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fpjzy/some_people_think_dick_and_balls_are_all_one/
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When people ask me how I get to work, I always say in a $200,000 vehicle

I love the bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fpjzu/when_people_ask_me_how_i_get_to_work_i_always_say/
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The year is 2064 and r/jokes is still going strong...

A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"
The second most upvoted joke says "3915"
The third most upvoted joke says "756"
He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"
The admin replies "You must be new here. r/jokes has been around for so long, we've seen every joke, so we just refer to them by numbers now"
The new user wants to get a few upvotes so writes "504,323"
When he checks his account the next day his joke is the top post on reddit and the most upvoted r/jokes thread of the last 10 years.
He messages the admin "What happened?"
The admin replies "Nobody had heard that one before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fpibe/the_year_is_2064_and_rjokes_is_still_going_strong/
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Can you speak into my good ear? Doh!

A man goes to the doctor and tells the doctor he is having trouble hearing. the doctor asks him to describe the symptoms. The man replies "Homer is the fat guy and his wife is marge with the blue hair..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fpab2/can_you_speak_into_my_good_ear_doh/
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What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fp954/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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What do you call a camel during a drought?

A dry humper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fp8l8/what_do_you_call_a_camel_during_a_drought/
%
A man and a dog are playing chess

A woman walks in and says "holy crap, your dog can play chess?! That's amazing! What a brilliant dog! "
The man says "you think my dog is brilliant? Pffft. Hardly. He's pretty dumb,  I've won 19 games out of the 20 we've played."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fp59q/a_man_and_a_dog_are_playing_chess/
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How do you make a cat go woof

Pour petrol on it and set it on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fp4rg/how_do_you_make_a_cat_go_woof/
%
Did you hear about the pig that learned karate?

I heard all his friends now call him pork chop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fp3pk/did_you_hear_about_the_pig_that_learned_karate/
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A guy enters the pharmacy...

Guy: 5 packs of condoms please.
Cashier: Do you need a bag with those?
Guy: Don't worry she's pretty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fp3gy/a_guy_enters_the_pharmacy/
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I posted a Joke involving a cow, but it was a little offensive apparently so I'll take it down

[remooooved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fp0jz/i_posted_a_joke_involving_a_cow_but_it_was_a/
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What do indecisive people enjoy doing?

I don't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fozve/what_do_indecisive_people_enjoy_doing/
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"Doctor, I have heard lots of voices that are making me want to kill my family"

Doctor - "Yeah that is just Thanksgiving Dinner"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7foxar/doctor_i_have_heard_lots_of_voices_that_are/
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Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, "On what day will I die?"

The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.
"Why are you sure of that?" demanded Hitler.
"Any day," she replied, "on which you die will be a Jewish holiday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fov6g/hitler_went_to_a_fortune_teller_and_asked_her_on/
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Don't blame the holidays,

you were fat in August.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7foq5l/dont_blame_the_holidays/
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Did you know the first French fries weren't cooked in France?

They were actually cooked in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fog97/did_you_know_the_first_french_fries_werent_cooked/
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An old man in Brooklyn gets a phone call that his cheese shop blew up.

“Oh, no! I’d better get down there right away!”
The guy on the phone tells him, “Nah, take your time. All that’s left where de shop was is de brie.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fof4y/an_old_man_in_brooklyn_gets_a_phone_call_that_his/
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Having sex is like playing bridge...

If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7focfu/having_sex_is_like_playing_bridge/
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Imagine the guy who invented maple syrup...

Hey this tree tastes way better than the last 10 trees I sucked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7foape/imagine_the_guy_who_invented_maple_syrup/
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Men call short women "petite". What do women call short men?

Um, yeh, they don't call.
Source: I'm not a tall man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fo9hm/men_call_short_women_petite_what_do_women_call/
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There was an accident on the highway today.

I tried to help the victims, but there was so much blood that I felt sick and had to leave.
I'm sure they'll be okay until a different ambulance gets there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fnxaf/there_was_an_accident_on_the_highway_today/
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I have a huge problem with self-esteem

But I can only blame myself for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fnuiv/i_have_a_huge_problem_with_selfesteem/
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Tip for when you are attacked by a bear

Play dead.
It will be good practice for when you die a couple minutes later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fns74/tip_for_when_you_are_attacked_by_a_bear/
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Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fnms4/most_people_are_shocked_when_they_find_out/
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Why was the tomato red?

He was blushing because he saw the salad dressing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fnmpq/why_was_the_tomato_red/
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What do you call a promising virgin?

Untapped potential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fnipm/what_do_you_call_a_promising_virgin/
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I think it's funny how Ajit Pai

Has a name that's easily mispronounced as "a shit pie".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fnhar/i_think_its_funny_how_ajit_pai/
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The doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.

I was worried shitless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fngn7/the_doctor_diagnosed_me_with_anxiety_and/
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Where can you go to learn about the history of masturbation?

The “whacks” museum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fnd55/where_can_you_go_to_learn_about_the_history_of/
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A Engineer, a Chemist and an Economist get stranded on a island.

From the ship that crashed, some canned food washed ashore.
The Engineer says “We need to open the cans with these rocks”
The Chemist says “We could blow the top off using a combination of these minerals I’ve found”
The Economist says “Ok, so let’s assume we have a can opener”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fncgr/a_engineer_a_chemist_and_an_economist_get/
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A garbage man is doing his collections....

..... he sees that one house has not put their bin out front. He checks down the side of the house, it's not there, so he knocks at the front door. No answer, so he rings the bell, still no answer. He knocks one last time, waits and finally starts walking back down the path towards the street. But then the door opens and a Chinese man is standing there in his dressing gown, 'what you want?', he says. 'Where's your bin?', the garbage man replies. 'I been upstairs washing my hair!', says the Chinaman.  'No, where's your BIN?', says the garbage man.   'I tell you already, I been upstairs, washing my hair', says the Chinaman.  'NO NO NO, WHERE IS YOUR WHEELIE BIN?', says the frustrated garbage man.
'Ok ok', says the Chinaman, 'I really been upstairs jerking off'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fnb0p/a_garbage_man_is_doing_his_collections/
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Guess who didn’t eat on thanksgiving?

The turkey! It was already stuffed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fn71a/guess_who_didnt_eat_on_thanksgiving/
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People who eat ass

Are such bottom feeders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fn5kk/people_who_eat_ass/
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I was once a medicine salesman, but I was soon fired.

I lost my job for not selling drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fn4qz/i_was_once_a_medicine_salesman_but_i_was_soon/
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Martians arrive on earth

They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the pope's turn to ask a question...
"I was wondering...have you ever heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ" the pope asks.
"Jesus? Yes of course! He stops by our planet every couple of years and we all have a big party" the aliens respond
The pope looks baffled and says "You must be mistaken...Jesus Christ was here about two thousand years ago but he left and we've been waiting for his return ever since...why would he visit you so often?"
"well..." they look at each other "...maybe your chocolate wasn't good" the aliens offer
"Pardon me?" the pope asks
"Well, when Jesus first showed up on our planet we gave him really great chocolate...what did you guys do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fn252/martians_arrive_on_earth/
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An old lady walks into the national bank of Canada...

An old lady walks into the national bank of Canada with a large bag full of money and demands to see the CEO of the bank. After many arguments, she set a meeting with the CEO of the bank and goes to see him.
When she gets into has office she claims she has loads of money in cash and that she wants to open an account.
The CEO asks her: "How much do you even have in there?"
She answers: "165k $ all in cash."
CEO: "Wow! That's a huge amount! How did you get all that alone?
Lady answers: "I do bets for living".
CEO: "Really? What for example?"
Lady: "I'll bet you 25k $ that you have square balls".
The CEO answers, confident in the shape of his balls "Sure thing, I'll be you 25k $ on that".
The lady then adds: "Okay, I'll meet you here tomorrow at 10am with my lawyer as a witness".
CEO: See you soon.
At night the CEO checks his balls infront of a mirror just to be sure that there's no way that his balls can even remind the shape of a square, and surely enough, they're as round as it gets...
At 10 am the old lady and her lawyer get in the bank and she asks him to drop down his pants and underwears and expose his balls. The CEO immediatly does that and by that exposes his round balls.
The lady then asks: "Can I touch them?"
The CEO says: "Sure, whatever it takes!"
The lady the proceeds to touch the CEO's balls and admits that they are round. The CEO screams in joy for having won 25k $, until he notices the lawyer banging his head on the wall.
The CEO asks: "Why is he doing that???"
And the lady answers: "Oh don't mind him... I just bet him yesterday that tomorrow at 10 am I'll touch the balls of the CEO of the bank of Canada for 50k $".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fn13w/an_old_lady_walks_into_the_national_bank_of_canada/
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A pious man walks through the woods

And stumbles into a bog. Slowly sinking he can't get out by himself and starts to pray: "Dear Lord, stand by me and deliver me from my danger".
An hour passes all the while the man sinks up to his waist while a local hunter finds him. "Shall I get you out?" "No, don't trouble yourself, the Lord will lend his hand". The hunter shrugs and goes his way.
However, he can't forget the man and returns some hour later. The man now is up to his chest. "You sure I don't help you out?" "No thanks, the Lord will lend his hand". The hunter shrugs again and goes away.
He still can't forget the man and returns a third time. The man is up to his ears in the mud. "Seriously man! You'll die if I don't get you out!" "No good sir, I strongly believe the Lord will lend me his hand".
Finally, the hunter gives up and not an hour later the man drowns and goes to heaven. Standing before God, he asks: "Oh Lord, did I fail you? I prayed in my hour of need and you didn't come to save me?"
And God answered: "You. Fuckin. Idiot! Three times I send you the hunter along!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fn0dq/a_pious_man_walks_through_the_woods/
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

That's just how I roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fn0do/sometimes_i_tuck_my_knees_into_my_chest_and_lean/
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Two deaf-mute kids were arguing.

The mother came and turned off the light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fn09s/two_deafmute_kids_were_arguing/
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PSA: Vegans and Vegetarians should stop eating brown sugar immediately!

It's made out of mole asses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmzpu/psa_vegans_and_vegetarians_should_stop_eating/
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"Helana. Sings Opera while giving a blowjob." [long]

A guy is walking back from work and just for a change decides to take a different, slightly longer route home. On the way he happens to pass a brothel with a sign outside that reads "Helana. Sings Opera while giving a blowjob."
Now the guy is not normally one to visit a brothel but being an opera lover, curiosity gets the better of him. "How the hell can she sing opera while giving a blowjob?!?". So he goes in...
He's greeted by the receptionist and he asks for Helena. "Oh very good choice sir! It's $100 for 30 minutes. You will not be disappointed. Oh and one VERY IMPORTANT thing: Helena likes to work in the dark. DO NOT turn the light on.". Slightly puzzled the guy agrees and is shown to Helana's room.
He enters and all is pitch dark. "Undress" a seductive female voice commands and soon they guy is enjoying the most sensational blowjob he's ever had. Suddenly, while the blowjob is still in progress, she begins to sing what the guy realizes can only be the first aria from Mozart's "The Magic Flute". The voice is perfect. Not a single choke or gag despite the blowjob. The guy proceeds to blow his load in sheer amazement. "Now go. And DO NOT turn the light on as you leave" she orders him. In a state of shock and awe the guy leaves quietly as instructed.
Next day at work all he can think about is Helena and the blowjob. "How on earth could she sing so beautifully with my penis in her mouth?". Again curiosity beats him so he takes the long way home that takes him past the brothel...
"Welcome back sir!" the receptionist greets. "Will it be Helena again sir?". The guy nods. "Very good sir. Oh but don't forget. No lights please sir."
Soon the guy is in Helana's room again, in complete darkness, receiving a spectacular blowjob. And again Helena breaks out into opera, this time in Italian. The guy realizes it's "Una voce poco" - the first aria from Rossini's "Barber of Seville". Beauty and perfection all at once. Completely stunned, the guy empties his balls with a loud groan into Helena's waiting orifice. "You may go now" commands Helena "And remember NO LIGHTS!". The guy obeys meekly.
Next day the guy can barely concentrate at work, tormented by the mystery of Helena. "How can she sing like that _and_ suck on my junk. I _have_ to know."
That evening the guy again visits the brothel. "Welcome back sir! An honor to see you back so soon. Will it be Helena once more?" the receptionist asks. The guy nods. "She does have this effect on people sir. Of course I don't need to remind you of the rules sir. No lights allowed".
Determined the guy marches to the room and enters boldly. Again pitch darkness. He undresses and soon Helena is giving him a blowjob to die for. Moments later, in the sweetest voice he's ever heard, she begins to sing "Un bel di vedremo" from "Madame Butterfly". Deeply moved, the guy is surprised to find tears streaming down his face as his hot jizz explodes into Helena. "Leave me now. And DO NOT turn on the lights as you go."
The guy proceeds to dress, undecided after such an amazing experience if he should break the rules. "...but I MUST know..." he thinks.
Determined, in one swift move the guy flicks on the light switch and spins round to look at the room. He sees a beautiful woman lying naked on a bed, eyes closed. Next to her on a silk pillow he sees a glass eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmyik/helana_sings_opera_while_giving_a_blowjob_long/
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The Catholic Church absolutely agrees on homosexuals getting married...

... As long as a gay marries a lesbian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmxti/the_catholic_church_absolutely_agrees_on/
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Is it wrong to hate a specific race?

Because I really hate marathons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmv5t/is_it_wrong_to_hate_a_specific_race/
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What animal cannot be trusted?

A Cheetah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmuu2/what_animal_cannot_be_trusted/
%
Translated Chinese joke

Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!
Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off
Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out
Bad news: The parachute failed midair
Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him
Bad news: The top of the haystack is smeared with sh!t
Good news: He didn't land on the sh!t
Bad news: He didn't land on the haystack either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmugp/translated_chinese_joke/
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Ben has 911 candies. He eats 420. What does he have now?

Diabetes.
Ben has diabetes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmtaq/ben_has_911_candies_he_eats_420_what_does_he_have/
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What did Santa Claus say when he heard Mrs Claus had been cheating on him?

Hoe hoe hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmrut/what_did_santa_claus_say_when_he_heard_mrs_claus/
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I once picked up a grenade in a gun sale, they had knocked off 90% because it was missing a pin or something.

It blew my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmpt9/i_once_picked_up_a_grenade_in_a_gun_sale_they_had/
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A bartender who just went broke decides to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic-" I will cure anything for the price of $20, and I'll pay you back $50 if I fail."
A medic thinks that he can outsmart the bartender wants the $50, so he goes to the clinic.
The medic tells the bartender he had lost his sense of taste, to which the bartender replies:
"Here, have some of this medicine." and hands him a blue bottle with a big white sticker plastered on the side from the top of the shelf. The medic gulps down the contents of the bottle and says: "This isn't medicine, this is whiskey!" The bartender grinning ear to ear, says: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $20."
The medic is a bit pissed and goes back after a few days. He walks up to the bartender and says, "Sir, I have lost my memory, I cannot recall anything." The bartender hands him a blue bottle with a big white sticker plastered on the side from the top of the shelf and asks him to drink it. The medic looks at the bartender and says, "but that's whiskey!" The bartender with the same wide smile says, "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $20."
The medic leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to finally outsmart the bartender.
The medic walks up to the bartender and says, "I have lost my vision and cannot see things clearly." The bartender furrowed his brows and said, "I'm very sorry sir but I don't think I can help you with that." The medic takes a leap of joy and sticks his hand out, asking for his hard earned $50. The bartender puts a bill in his palm.
"But that's a 1 dollar bill!"
"Congratulations, you have gotten your vision back! That will be $20 sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmnwy/a_bartender_who_just_went_broke_decides_to_open_a/
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Sarah is a girl who was born with no body. No arms, no legs, not even a torso. Nothing below her neck.

In a major medical accomplishment, doctors develop a set of very small devices to function as her internal organs and install them in her neck. These keep her fully functional with exception of being able to walk or manipulate objects as if she had arms or legs.
Once she is released from the hospital, she begins to settle into life at home. Every morning after breakfast, her mother sets her up on the window sill, looking out over the front yard at the goings on of the neighborhood. The years go by, and Sarah takes notice of the other children her age as they begin to ride the school bus. Every day, Sarah begs and pleads with her parents to be enrolled in school with the other children. Again and again, Sarah’s parents deny her requests, but eventually, her perseverance pays off. Sarah’s mother finally contacts the school to have Sarah to enrolled.
The very next morning after breakfast, Sarah’s mother packs a bag lunch and a backpack full of school supplies, and takes Sarah out to the curb to meet the bus. The bus driver, hurrying as always, pulls in next to the curb, squashing poor Sarah.
She just didn’t understand that she should have quit while she was a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmja9/sarah_is_a_girl_who_was_born_with_no_body_no_arms/
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A kid asked his dad..

Kid: Dad, what is an alcoholic?
Dad: You see these 4 cars, an alcoholic would see 8 cars.
Kid: But there are only 2 cars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmg0z/a_kid_asked_his_dad/
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Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.

They're both cauldron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmfe5/harry_potter_cant_tell_the_difference_between_his/
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What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend?

One bails her hay and the other heils her bae

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmdsg/whats_the_difference_between_a_female_farmer_and/
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What is Hitler's favourite dice game?

Nahtzee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fmbrl/what_is_hitlers_favourite_dice_game/
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Grandpa & grandson

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, all sorts of things.
The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy." The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, son."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart. Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," says the Grandpa, "but I am William. This little bastard's name is Kevin".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fm43n/grandpa_grandson/
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4 Catholic men and a women were having coffee in St. Francis Square

The first man, strikes the conversation with "My son is a priest. When he walks into the room, people call him "Father"".
The second man replies with "My son is a bishop. When he walks into the room, people call him "Your Grace"".
The third man said "My son is a cardinal. When he walks into the room, people call him "Your Eminence"".
The fourth one, with pride, says "Well, my son is a Pope. When he walks into a room, people call him "Your Holiness"".
The lone woman was sipping her coffee in silence. The four men broke it with a subtle "Well....?"
She proudly replies "I have a daughter. Slim, tall,
38D -24 - 36.
When she walks into the room, people say
Jeeeeeesssssuuusssssss!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fm2jm/4_catholic_men_and_a_women_were_having_coffee_in/
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There are four types of people in the world

1. People who believe in censorship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7flzzx/there_are_four_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
I remember the Christmas I found out Santa wasn't real

I wish my parents has warned me because my kids were really disappointed christmas morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7flxjj/i_remember_the_christmas_i_found_out_santa_wasnt/
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The FCC has just made a formal announcement

If anyone keeps complaining about Net Neutrality they'll pay for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7flxgm/the_fcc_has_just_made_a_formal_announcement/
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A Redditor walked into r/jokes

And then immediately walked out as soon as he saw the profile picture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7flvfd/a_redditor_walked_into_rjokes/
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A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7flrih/a_mormon_was_having_an_affair_with_a_15_year_old/
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I have been having terrible dreams lately. Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow.

When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7flqno/i_have_been_having_terrible_dreams_lately_last/
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7floq4/politicians_and_diapers_have_one_thing_in_common/
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My son used to be horrible at graphing trig functions.

Luckily he's made excellent sines of improvement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7flct6/my_son_used_to_be_horrible_at_graphing_trig/
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An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle

Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"
"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."
The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fl9ws/an_engineering_student_is_walking_along_when_a/
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A couple is waiting

in line outside a government welfare office. One hour goes by, another hour goes by, and then a third.
After they have been standing there for three hours, the husband loses control, and tells his wife, "The way this country is currently being run, there is no solution to all this bureaucratic lunacy. There's only one solution - I'm going to assassinate the President."
Understanding the folly of her husband's plan, she tries to convince him to calm down - but the husband isn't willing to listen, and immediately walks away from her and in the direction of the President's office.
Two hours later, the wife is still waiting in line patiently, hoping that her husband doesn't get himself killed, when she sees him coming back in her direction.
"What happened?" she asks, "Did you have a change of heart?"
"No," answers her husband, shaking his head, "the line was longer there".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fl8em/a_couple_is_waiting/
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What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They both can smell it, but can’t eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fl4nw/what_do_a_gynaecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_boy/
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Bob and the nudist colony

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and Bob immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”
Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”
She says, “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob is very happy and continues exploring the facilities.
He enters a sauna, sits down and lets one rip.
Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man says, “Sir, did you call for me?”
Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”
The huge man says, “You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked, receptionist. “May I help you sir?”
Bob says, “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 membership fee.”
The shocked receptionist says, “But, sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours. You have only seen a small fraction of our facilities.”
Bob replies, “Listen lady - I'm 58 years old. I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fl3c7/bob_and_the_nudist_colony/
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What do you call an empty container of Cheese Whiz?

Cheese Was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fl0k6/what_do_you_call_an_empty_container_of_cheese_whiz/
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My First Condom

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fl0f7/my_first_condom/
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A buddy told me that he had started watching his weight...

And I can see he's really done a good job getting it out there where he can see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fkuh9/a_buddy_told_me_that_he_had_started_watching_his/
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An Atheist is walking through the woods...

and when as he rounds a corner, he sees a huge bear. He turns and runs, and the bear starts to chase him. All of a sudden, he trips and falls. The man turns over to see the bear looming over him, and he screams, "Oh God!"
Time freezes. The heavens open up, and he hears the voice of God.
"You have denied my existence all your life. Why should i save you now?
The man replies, "Well, I won't offer to convert, because that would be hypocritical of me. Could you make the bear believe in you?"
God sighs, and says, "All right."
The heavens close, time starts up again, and the man sees the bear rock back onto its haunches. Then, the bear says, "Oh Lord, please bless the meal of which I am about to partake..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fksmb/an_atheist_is_walking_through_the_woods/
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Gotta take a shit

Bob and Jim are chilling in the park when Bob has to take a shit. With no bathroom close Jim tells Bob go ahead I will be lookout. Bobs starts his business when Jim yells "COP". So Bob throws his hat over the pile of shit.
Cop: What's under the hat?
Bob: unm a leprechaun
Cop: ok let me see it
Bob: No way those things are fast
Cop: ok you lift the hat and I will grab it
Bob: ok. 1..2..3
Bob moves the hat and the cop quickly grabs the pile of shit
Bob: Now look you scared the shit out of him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fkpk5/gotta_take_a_shit/
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I feel bad for eating all the Thanksgiving leftovers that were in the fridge...

but it's hard to quit cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fkowi/i_feel_bad_for_eating_all_the_thanksgiving/
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Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate?

He looked like a fucking idiot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fkim0/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_giraffe_who/
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A lady goes to a therapist to talk about her failing relationship.

Lady: Doctor! My husband has been pushing me around and constantly talking behind my back when we are around!
Therapist: That tends to happen when you’re bound to a wheelchair ma’am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fkie3/a_lady_goes_to_a_therapist_to_talk_about_her/
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The Pharmacy

Two spinster sisters own a pharmacy. One night when they are in the back room busily filling prescriptions a man approaches the cash register area dressed in a trench coat. Unknown to the sisters he took too many Viagras and has had an erection for the last 6 hours. As one of the sisters approaches the cash register she asks the man how she can help him. The man opens his trench coat. He is nude, extremely well endowed and standing at full attention. He points down at his manhood and says: “What can you give me for this?” Flustered and blushing she tells the man that she has to confer with her sister in the back room. Ten minutes later she returns to the cash register and tells the man: “Well, I have talked it over with my sister and we are willing to give you $10,000 and a third interest in the pharmacy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fkiby/the_pharmacy/
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The Hardware Store

A woman goes into a hardware store and tells the the proprietor that she would like to buy a hinge. The proprietor asks her if she would like a screw to go along with the hinge. The woman responds: “No thank you but I’ll blow you for that toaster in the corner.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fkfav/the_hardware_store/
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What do my wife and an automatic toilet flusher have in common?

They both start jumping to conclusions before I even have a chance to sit my ass down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fkcgm/what_do_my_wife_and_an_automatic_toilet_flusher/
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A classic Soviet joke

(Setting: 1980 Olympics)
Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev began reading his opening speech.
"O!" - the crowd applauses.
"O!" - another round of applause and cheer comes from the audience.
"O!" - the entire audience body stands up and begins clapping.
A secretary comes to Brezhnev and says, "Dear Leonid Ilyich, these are Olympic logo rings; you don't need to read all of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fk9ge/a_classic_soviet_joke/
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Abcdefghijklmntofsuprise!

I️ know it’s dumb but I️ thought of that all by myself and it made me chuckle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fk8g0/abcdefghijklmntofsuprise/
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If at first you don't succeed...

...skydiving isn't for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fjzie/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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A couple's car gets stuck in the mud...

The boyfriend tries to gun the engine, but the rear tire keeps sinking.  He thinks maybe he can get traction, so he asks his girlfriend to take off her shirt.
He stuffs the shirt under the tire and tries again, but it doesn't help.
He asks the girlfriend for her pants, stuffs those under the tire, but they, too, are not enough.
Then the girl takes off her bra and panties and sticks them under the tire.  Again, they don't help.
The boyfriend says "Run to that farmhouse and ask for help.  Take my shoes to cover your breasts."
So the girlfriend takes his shoes to cover herself up and makes her way to the farmhouse.  She realizes she's still holding her boyfriend's shoes, so she puts them between her legs to free up a hand and knock on the farmhouse door.
After a moment, a woman answers the door.  The girlfriend says "Help, my boyfriend is stuck!"
The farm woman looks the girl up and down before replying "Honey, if he's that far in, you'll never get him out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fjytn/a_couples_car_gets_stuck_in_the_mud/
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Where did sally go when her village was bombed?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fjrj3/where_did_sally_go_when_her_village_was_bombed/
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The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.
The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The Irish, not to be outdone by anyone spend a weekend drinking, and come back Monday morning concluding it's to keep the man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fjqzu/the_us_england_and_ireland_are_presented_with_a/
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My doctor just told me I'm colorblind.

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fjq4a/my_doctor_just_told_me_im_colorblind/
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Submitting this while I'm in a car...

Don't worry... I'm in the passenger seat, which makes it harder to drive but fools the COPS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fjpap/submitting_this_while_im_in_a_car/
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I've been thinking of selling my theremin

I haven't touched it in years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fjn1f/ive_been_thinking_of_selling_my_theremin/
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A UN delegation was flying across the Atlantic...

A Brit, a Frenchman, an American, and a Mexican are told by the pilot that they are too heavy and may crash.
They pop the hatch and toss out all the luggage, but they’re still too heavy.
They rip out the seats and toss them, but they’re still too heavy.
The Brit stands up and yells “God save the Queen!” and jumps out, but they’re still too heavy.
The Frenchman stands and yells “Vive la France!” and jumps out, but they’re still too heavy.
The American stands and yells “Remember the Alamo!” and throws out the Mexican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fjjzd/a_un_delegation_was_flying_across_the_atlantic/
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A driver gets pulled over by a policeman for speeding

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fjh6k/a_driver_gets_pulled_over_by_a_policeman_for/
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I think I want a job cleaning mirrors...

I can just see myself doing it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fje8p/i_think_i_want_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
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A man wakes up after a night with a hooker and his crotch is on fire

He keeps itching and itching and looks at the hooker and says, "Bitch! You gave me crabs."
The hooker says, "You gave me 30 bucks. What did you expect, Lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fjduv/a_man_wakes_up_after_a_night_with_a_hooker_and/
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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.
One to hold the lightbulb
The other to hold my penis, I mean ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fjdbg/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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"I before E except after C."

It's simple science.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fj8fz/i_before_e_except_after_c/
%
Want more jokes about Russia?

then Soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fj7to/want_more_jokes_about_russia/
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My pregnant girlfriend is tired of me joking about giving her an abortion...

So I told her I'd cut it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fj7ex/my_pregnant_girlfriend_is_tired_of_me_joking/
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I’m paradoxical and contradictory,

I hate redundancy and repetition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fj5js/im_paradoxical_and_contradictory/
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I'm reading a crime novel about a dwarf psychic on the run from the police

It's called: Small Medium at Large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fiya0/im_reading_a_crime_novel_about_a_dwarf_psychic_on/
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A shark is teaching his son how to hunt humans

Alright son, you start with circling your pray. Every once in a while you take a nibble out of them. And then after a few rounds you finally attack and eat them.
The son confused asks his father; why can't I just attack and eat them from the start? Its definitely quicker!
The father replies; Well that depends son.
The son asks again; on what?
The father says; Do you like your humans full of shit or do you prefer them empty?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fiy6b/a_shark_is_teaching_his_son_how_to_hunt_humans/
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An Irishman is walking along the beach one day...

...and he sees a bottle laying in the sand.  He picks it up and starts to brush it off when out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty.  I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF!  There is a pint of stout in his hand.  He drinks it down and starts to throw the bottle when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you."
So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout.  The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it."
The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "Aye, I'll be takin' two more of 'ese."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fixpr/an_irishman_is_walking_along_the_beach_one_day/
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I got banned from donating clothes to the local orphanage

Apparently they don't appreciate Batman costumes......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fiwda/i_got_banned_from_donating_clothes_to_the_local/
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EVOLUTION VS. CREATIONISM

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fiu3u/evolution_vs_creationism/
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fitsh/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
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I've been clean for 45 days now

It's been tough taking a shower everyday, but at least I have the heroin to help me get throught it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7filmu/ive_been_clean_for_45_days_now/
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My Grandad told me this one (the guy is a legend)

A girl is sat in the hairdresser's, eating some cake.
She is sat quite close to the barber, so she asks,
"Excuse me sir, would you mind moving away from me a bit, I'm going to get hair on my muffin"
He replies, "Yeah, and your gonna get tits aswell."
NOTE: I have no clue where he heard it. Also, I don't remember seeing this one on this subreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7filbw/my_grandad_told_me_this_one_the_guy_is_a_legend/
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Things not to say after sex:

– You are better than your sister.
– When do I put the condom on?
– There’s money on the counter.
– Alright who’s gonna help me rebury this?
– Do you have aids ? I don’t want to get it again.
– Yeah, definitely gay.
– It was better when you were sleeping.
– Please like and subscribe.
– Well that ejaculated quickly.
– New record, 17 seconds!
– I was born as male.
– Did your mom teach you that? You guys fuck so similar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fijsn/things_not_to_say_after_sex/
%
What do you call kids in the military?

Infantry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fijn6/what_do_you_call_kids_in_the_military/
%
A man walks into his regular watering hole....

depressed he orders a double whiskey. The bartender asks him “What’s the bad news?”.
The guy says “Well my wife says she no longer enjoys sex so she’s cutting me off, we can only do it once a month”.
Bartender: “Ooohhh cheer up that’s nothing, she’s cut most of the guys in here completely off”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fii0u/a_man_walks_into_his_regular_watering_hole/
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Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two.

Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fih1q/homosexuality_is_found_in_over_450_species/
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I have a fetish for Amish women.

Best part about it?
They don’t expect you to call the next day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fidma/i_have_a_fetish_for_amish_women/
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My wife gives me sound advice

99% sound
1% advice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fib0h/my_wife_gives_me_sound_advice/
%
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fi8av/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.
The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waiting for him. He beckoned the first man to approach and relay the story of his death.
"I was an average kind of guy. Worked the office, lived in a New York apartment on the 4th floor with my wife, and served God well my whole life. On the day of my death, I became sick, and left work to come home early. When I came in, I saw my wife lying in bed, sleeping, which I of course found odd, since she left for work that morning, and usually doesn't get off until much later. Naturally I grew suspicious that she might have been unfaithful, so I started searching through the house. The closet, underneath the bed, behind every door and shower curtain...
I couldn't find the guy, so I went out on the balcony to draw some deep breaths and calm down.. I shouldn't be so quick to judge after all. I had just decided to go in and wake her up and ask why she was home, when I looked down, and saw the fucker! He was hanging there from the edge of the balcony, hoping I wouldn't see him, looking up at me with his pleading eyes. I stepped on his hands, and his grip fell loose, plummeting down into a large bush. He survived the fall however, so in my blind rage, I went in, ripped the fridge out of the socket, and tossed it straight at the guy, crushing him flat.
The excersion and rage gave me an aneurysm shortly after, and well.. here I am."
St. Peter scratches his head for a minute after hearing the man's tale, but since he just openly admitted to killing a man in a fit of anger, the clouds open up beneath the man's feet, and he plummets down into hell.
The next man comes forward and starts talking.
"I was an average kind of guy. Devoted to God of course, was unemployed a lot of the time, but could just afford a nice New York apartment on the 5th floor. On the day of my death I had slept in until noon I guess, and stepped out on the balcony to do some gymnastics in the sun.
While I was doing jumping jacks I accidentally lost balance, and tumbled out over the ledge. I felt my life flash before my eyes, but as luck would have it, I managed to grab hold of the balcony us beneath mine! I held on there for maybe ten minutes until my downstairs neighbour came out. I looked up at him with pleading and relief, but before I could speak a word or ask for help, he stomped down on my fingers, and I let go with a scream, certain this time, that I was done for. But no! After falling for what felt like an eternity spanning only a few seconds, I landed in a large bush. I broke some bones for sure, but I was alive!
That was.. until the same psychopath came out and threw a fridge in my face.. and here I am."
St. Peter stood for a minute, digesting the story and connecting some dots, before welcoming the guy into heaven.
The last man now stepped forward, and St. Peter asked him to tell his tale.
"O-o-kk-k-kay... er.. You.. Yeah, you're gonna have to, uh.. have to bear with me here, a-alright? Step in my shoes for a sec, yeah?
... So.. okay, picture this: you're butt naked, hiding in a fridge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fi620/heaven_was_running_out_of_spots_for_new_souls/
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A man died in an accident when working at the brewery.

When the police arrived at his home to inform his wife, she asked how it happened. "Well, madam, I'm sorry to say he fell into one of the beer cauldrons and drowned," said the officer. In tears, the wife asked the officer, "Please, at least tell me it was a quick death". "Unfortunately not," the officer explains, "witnesses say he climbed out at least twice to go to the bathroom".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fi53n/a_man_died_in_an_accident_when_working_at_the/
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Alvin and the booming voice

Alvin is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above that says "Alvin. Sell your business!", Alvin, believing it to be just in his head ignores it.
But the voice carries on for days, saying "Alvin. Sell your entire business for 3 million dollars!", after coming to terms that the voice is not just in his head, he relents and sells his store and entire business.
The voice booms again "Alvin. Go to Las Vegas!"
Alvin asks why
"Alvin. Just take the 3 million dollars and go to Las Vegas"
Alvin obeys, goes to Las Vegas and visits a casino.
The voice booms again "Alvin. Go to the blackjack table and put it all down on one hand!"
Alvin hesitates, but has come this far and gives in. He's dealt an eighteen and the dealer has a six showing.
"Alvin. Take a card!"
Alvin replies "What? The dealer has..."
"Take a card!"
Alvin reluctantly asks the dealer to hit him, he gets an ace. Nineteen. He takes a deep breath of relief.
"Alvin. Take another card."
"What?!"
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
Alvin freezes for a second, swallows hard and asks the dealer to hit him again. It's another Ace. Twenty. Alvin cannot believe his luck.
The voice commands again "Take another card!"
"I HAVE TWENTY" Alvin cries.
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD"
"Hit me..." Alvin says.
Another Ace. Twenty-one!
The booming voice says "Un-fucking-believable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fi2m3/alvin_and_the_booming_voice/
%
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed

. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fi1b8/my_wife_and_i_were_watching_who_wants_to_be_a/
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what did the grape say when it was stepped on?

nothing. It just let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fhyzi/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_was_stepped_on/
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What do you give a stoned communist who did well on a test?

High Marx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fht95/what_do_you_give_a_stoned_communist_who_did_well/
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I just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I'll leave the brownies in the oven while I nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fhrss/i_just_burned_2000_calories/
%
Where is the capital of Zimbabwe?

In a Swiss bank account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fhocv/where_is_the_capital_of_zimbabwe/
%
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8 ,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fhezn/6_was_scared_of_7_because_7_8_9_but_why_did_7_eat/
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What is Forrest Gump's password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fhckl/what_is_forrest_gumps_password/
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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together

And then move the rest of them to match the layout of a QWERTY keyboard too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fhc7n/if_i_could_rearrange_the_alphabet_id_put_u_and_i/
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If you're a fan of piss...

then urine luck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fhbx2/if_youre_a_fan_of_piss/
%
Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.
So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventually the manager comes out and gets his story, helps him clean up, gave him credit for the gas, which calmed the guy down a bit, enough to continue on with his day.
So hes driving down the highway, and decides he needs a smoke. He goes to light a cigarette, and his arm is engulfed in flames.
He's in the middle lane so he can't just pull over, so he sticks his arm out the window, waving it around hoping the wind will put the fire out. Luckily though there was a sheriff a couple cars back, so he flips on his siren, gets everyone out of the way so the guy can park, and runs up with his jacket and throws it on the guys arm.
So now he's mad, in pain, his day just can't get any worse.
After the medics bandaged his arm up, the officer goes to speak with him and get more of his story. After listening, the officer tells the man to put his hands behind his back, he cuffs them and reads the man his rights.
So now he's freaking out, being put in the back of the cruiser. "Officer, why am I being arrested? What did I do?"
The officer says as he shuts the door "Son, its against the law to drive around waving firearms at people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fhaz1/did_anybody_hear_what_happened_to_that_guy_on_the/
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What is Harry Potter's favorite method of getting down a hill?

Walking....
Jk, rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fh9ni/what_is_harry_potters_favorite_method_of_getting/
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A kid walks into a whorehouse..

Dragging a dead frog behind him on a string. He walks up to the manager and says "I want the nastiest, dirtiest, most disease ridden whore you have." The manager says "What? Are you out of your mind? You're a kid, and you need to get out of here now!"
The kid reaches into his pocket and slaps a roll of hundreds on the counter. The manager looks at the money for a moment, sighs, then grabs it and hands the kid a key. "Room 12, and don't tell anyone."
About a half hour later the kid leaves the room and begins to walk out the door. The manager stops him saying " kid wait! I've gotta know. Why did you want the nastiest dirtiest, most disease ridden girl we had?"
The kid responds "do you really want to know?" And the manager nods his head.
The kid says "today's Thursday, and I just fucked the girl up in that room. Tomorrow my parents are going out to dinner, so they are going to ask the babysitter to watch me. When they go out to dinner, I'm going to fuck the babysitter. When they get back, my dad is gonna drive her home. When he does, he's gonna fuck the babysitter. When he gets back from dropping her off, he's gonna fuck my mom. Then tomorrow when my dad goes to work, my moms gonna fuck the mailman"
"And you know what mister? That's the son of a bitch who ran over my frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fh5gp/a_kid_walks_into_a_whorehouse/
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Great sex can make your day

But anal sex can make your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fgz85/great_sex_can_make_your_day/
%
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I'm in for a pretty wild December.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fgvx6/statistics_show_that_the_average_person_has_sex/
%
The only thing that flat earthers fear...

is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fgtuj/the_only_thing_that_flat_earthers_fear/
%
What do you call a pie that’s full of horseshit?

Ajit Pai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fgp6w/what_do_you_call_a_pie_thats_full_of_horseshit/
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What's the difference between a Redditor and a Lawyer?

One has to factually back up everything they say or face scrutiny from their peers...the other pulls in a 6-figure income.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fgofz/whats_the_difference_between_a_redditor_and_a/
%
What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I’ll give these two a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fgiui/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fgbs0/a_worldwide_survey_was_conducted_by_the_un/
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Always love a women for her personality

They have like 10, so you can choose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fga7q/always_love_a_women_for_her_personality/
%
So a piece of string goes into a bar...

The bartender says, "we don't serve your kind here."
The string goes outside, twists itself, and parts its hair.
And the string goes back inside, and the bartender yells, "aren't you the same guy from earlier!"
The string replies only with, "I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fga1r/so_a_piece_of_string_goes_into_a_bar/
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At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion.

One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head.
"No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."
As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fg5mn/at_the_clothing_store_where_i_work_i_make_it_a/
%
Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream?

He was hit by a bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fg0ne/why_did_little_timmy_drop_his_ice_cream/
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Quite the scare!

While in a taxi heading for the International airport, I leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
He screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
"Jesus!" I screamed, then for a few moments, everything was silent.
Shaking, the driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"
I apologised and trying to defuse the situation I laughed, "I didn't realize that a tap could startle someone so badly."
He replied, "No, no, look. I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.
You see... Today is my very first day being a taxi driver.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ffvub/quite_the_scare/
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It is amazing that a Bitcoin is worth $8600

Imagine how much a full coin would cost!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ffvon/it_is_amazing_that_a_bitcoin_is_worth_8600/
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Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ffusm/tonight_i_dreamt_of_a_beautiful_walk_on_a_sandy/
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A man attacks a woman wearing a fur coat..

..and shouts at her angrily - "Do you have any idea how many minks had to die for you to wear that fur??"
"It is not mink, it's polyester!"
"Doesn't matter!! Do you know how many polyesters had to die!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fftj0/a_man_attacks_a_woman_wearing_a_fur_coat/
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What do gingers and North Koreans have in common?

They've go no Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ffo2p/what_do_gingers_and_north_koreans_have_in_common/
%
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest."
The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ffn2p/before_going_to_europe_on_business_a_man_drove/
%
It's good that Apple released only 3 phones this year...

Another one would have been an XS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ffg5u/its_good_that_apple_released_only_3_phones_this/
%
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked

, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fff9i/a_guy_stuck_his_head_into_a_barbershop_and_asked/
%
Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.

Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?
Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.
Mother: Will he be okay?
Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ff9cv/doctor_so_your_child_was_born_without_eyelids/
%
Golf and Dentures

A couple of senior guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to a dentist for a new set of dentures the next morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"
The second oldster replied, "Well, let me put it this way, I was on the golf course last week when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 100 mph when it slammed me right in the nuts."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?"
"It was the first time in two years my dentures didn't hurt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fey80/golf_and_dentures/
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Never lie to a smart woman

Man on phone:
"Honey I have been asked to go golfing in China with my boss for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion.
So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, and my Golf bag.
We are leaving from office & I will swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but looking good.
The wife welcomed him & asked if he enjoy the trip?
He said “Yes, we had some good games and the weather is hot.
But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pyjamas?”
You will love the answer..!!
She says, “I did…..They are in your Golf bag”
Game over !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7few94/never_lie_to_a_smart_woman/
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The mom from ToyStory has her own set of Toys.

Their names are also Woody and Buzz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7feqt0/the_mom_from_toystory_has_her_own_set_of_toys/
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Funniness and cleverness have always been two notable factors for rating puns...

...but the third has groan in significance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fenxs/funniness_and_cleverness_have_always_been_two/
%
A lot of people cry when they cut onions..

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7feks5/a_lot_of_people_cry_when_they_cut_onions/
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If I see one more fucking post about Net Neutrality

I'll have to pay for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7feiuh/if_i_see_one_more_fucking_post_about_net/
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The knights around the lake

So there's this far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.
The kingdoms eventually go to war over the lake, as it's a valuable resource to posses. The first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.
The night before the big battle, the knights of the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. The knights if the second aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.
In the third camp the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew, and has a humble dinner with the old knight.
The next morning, the knights of the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight of the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires of all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.
And it just goes to show you how the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7feh3g/the_knights_around_the_lake/
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Nice guys always finish last.

Which makes us really good in bed. Come on ladies..give us a try.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7feg87/nice_guys_always_finish_last/
%
My favourite part of the Bible, Psalm:

body once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7feg3y/my_favourite_part_of_the_bible_psalm/
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English Exam

Two boys were in a class taking an English exam.
**After Exam**
Boy 1: What took you so long to finish the test?
Boy 2: Well, I got stuck in a question, it was "What is the past tense of think?". So I *thought*, *thought*, and *thought*, but I gave up and wrote thinked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fedaf/english_exam/
%
The Flat Earth Society

'We've got members all around the globe'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fe9zk/the_flat_earth_society/
%
There should be a female only sport in the Olympics called Conclusions.

Women jump to them every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fe9q1/there_should_be_a_female_only_sport_in_the/
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I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fe8th/i_had_a_dream_where_i_weighed_less_than_a/
%
Everyone I talk to calls me crazy

except the fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fe86p/everyone_i_talk_to_calls_me_crazy/
%
What was Marie Antionette talking about?

What the hell is a "meat cake"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fe6r8/what_was_marie_antionette_talking_about/
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What movie is universally loved by all orphans in England?

The Mummy Returns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fe5tq/what_movie_is_universally_loved_by_all_orphans_in/
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Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday

and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a strip club.
At the club:
Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?
Wife: How does he know you?
Chad: We play golf together!
Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?
Wife: And how does he know you?!
Chad: Um, he's on the bowling team!
Hot blonde stripper: Hey sexy, champagne room again tonight?
At this point the wife loses it and storms out of the club, dragging Chad with her, into a taxi.
Taxi driver: Hey Chad! Boy... You picked a fat one tonight huh? Same motel?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fe0ob/chads_wife_decided_to_surprise_him_on_his_birthday/
%
two knocks on a door

*knock knock*
"who's there?"
damn it, nevermind, it won't work. it's an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fdw6h/two_knocks_on_a_door/
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TIL: I am related to Stevie Wonder

I also learnt he has been telling people he has never seen me before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fdrgu/til_i_am_related_to_stevie_wonder/
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1,000 Men Were Recently Surveyed About Women

10% of the men surveyed liked women with thin legs.
15% of the men surveyed preferred women with muscular legs.
The rest liked something in-between.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fdrby/1000_men_were_recently_surveyed_about_women/
%
Your mother has an excellent memory.

Because elephants never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fdr2v/your_mother_has_an_excellent_memory/
%
What is the only "B" word you should call girls?

Beautiful. Bitches love it when you call them that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fdoxm/what_is_the_only_b_word_you_should_call_girls/
%
I started dating a Welsh man...

I asked him how many sexual partners he had before me, but when he started counting he fell asleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fdklv/i_started_dating_a_welsh_man/
%
A guy walks into a bar, sees a gorgeous woman sitting there, and he says to her...

"Baby, you're so sexy, I'm gonna twist your nipples 'til they're raw."
A little taken aback, she says "Excuse me?"
The man continues, "Baby, you're so sexy, I'm gonna bend you over and beat your ass with a stick."
Starting to get a bit offended she says "Dude, you can fuck right off"
The man goes on "Baby you're so sexy, I'm gonna flip you upside down, fill your pussy with whiskey and drink it!"
Getting fed up, the woman yells "You know what, creep? See that big guy at the table over there?  He's my boyfriend, and just wait until I tell him what you said!"
So she goes over to her boyfriend, and she tells him. "That dude that just walked in, he told me he was gonna twist my nipples until they're raw!"
Boyfriend says "What? I'm gonna kick this guys ass!"
"He said he was gonna bend me over and beat my ass with a stick!"
Boyfriend says "This dude is fucking dead."
"He said he was gonna flip me upside down, fill my pussy with whiskey, and drink it!
The boyfriend seems to lose his steam a bit, and sits back down...
The woman says "What? I thought you were gonna kick his ass?"
He says "Baby, anyone who can drink that much whiskey is too tough for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fdins/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_sees_a_gorgeous_woman/
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What do you call a Chinese kid with a cat allergy?

Starved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fdg7i/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_kid_with_a_cat_allergy/
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Why does Santa Clause have such a big sack? (NSFW)

He only cums once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fdbda/why_does_santa_clause_have_such_a_big_sack_nsfw/
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A barber got arrested..

A barber got arrested in my area for dealing drugs and I’m totally shook. I’ve been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fdar5/a_barber_got_arrested/
%
I shot my first turkey last Monday

It scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fd3gp/i_shot_my_first_turkey_last_monday/
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My dick was in the Guinness Book of world Records

Until the librarian caught me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fd230/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
Old Marine goes to a party

A crusty old Marine found himself at a Winter Ball where there was no shortage of hot ladies in attendance.
One lady approached him and said,
"Excuse me Marine, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his medals and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said,  "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."  The Marine just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1958, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out!  I mean, no sex since 1958?”
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.   Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1958."
The Marine glances at his watch and says, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fd1s5/old_marine_goes_to_a_party/
%
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm

The beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fd03m/i_took_the_batteries_out_of_my_carbon_monoxide/
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Boy, do I love my penis.

It's good to appreciate the small things in life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fczpd/boy_do_i_love_my_penis/
%
What do you call it when a cow gives a false media report?

Fake moos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fcyf5/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_cow_gives_a_false/
%
Iced Cream

Little Jimmy is in class. The teacher says, "There are 6 birds on the wall, I shoot one, how many are left?"
Little Jimmy responds "none", the teacher asks him to explain, "You shot one, so that one is dead, and the others heard the shot and flew away."
The teacher responds, "I like your way of thinking, but the answer is actually 5."
Jimmy sits there pouting for the entire class, and at the end of class, he says to her, "I have a question for you, there are 3 women eating ice cream cones, on is eating it by biting the bottom and licking the bottom. The second is licking the top around the edges. The third is sucking it from the top. Which one is married", "I would say the one sucking it from the top", "well, it's actually the one with the wedding ring, but I like your way of thinking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fcy28/iced_cream/
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Explorer in the jungle (NSFW language)

One day an explorer was deep in the jungle where headhunters were known to be more a danger than the abundant wildlife.  He happened to be thinking about what to do if he encountered them when, as luck would have it, he came to a clearing where a tribe of about 70 of them were as surprised as he was at his sudden entrance into their camp.
“Oh man,” he said, almost to himself.  “I'm really fucked now”.
“YOU ARE NOT FUCKED” boomed a voice from the sky.  “Quickly, pick up that stone by your feet, and kill the chief over there, the one with the large headdress!”
Having never really been religious, but also desperate and feeling he had nothing to lose, he heeded the celestial voice, and picked up the heavy stone and smashed in the skull of the chief.
He looked around at the shocked faces of all the rest of the tribe when the booming voice returned, saying “There you go. *Now* you're fucked!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fcx6x/explorer_in_the_jungle_nsfw_language/
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Someone needs to accuse Ajit Pai of sexual harassment

I mean, he’s fucking the entire country up the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fcw5r/someone_needs_to_accuse_ajit_pai_of_sexual/
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What tea is hardest to swallow?

REALITY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fcvjv/what_tea_is_hardest_to_swallow/
%
Do you know what happens when you have unprotected phone sex?

You end up on the family plan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fctsg/do_you_know_what_happens_when_you_have/
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Retarded

Me: I just put my laundry in the fridge. Sometimes I think I am retarded.
Friend: Oh! I do that all the time.
Me: Put clothes in the fridge?
Friend: No. Think that you are retarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fcrgn/retarded/
%
I tried catching fog today...

I Mist it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fcin9/i_tried_catching_fog_today/
%
Welcome to your French exam.

It’s much like your English exam, but with tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fcgmz/welcome_to_your_french_exam/
%
I cut my dreadlocks off a few weeks ago.

And I haven't looked black since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fce2q/i_cut_my_dreadlocks_off_a_few_weeks_ago/
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At a welcome seminar at a senior assisted living facility...

...the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be of limits for all males, and likewise the male dormitory to the females.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time".
He continued "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired... "How much for a season pass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fcd2t/at_a_welcome_seminar_at_a_senior_assisted_living/
%
Why did they put Patrick Henry in a submarine?

Because he said "Give me liberty or give me depth".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fc8i8/why_did_they_put_patrick_henry_in_a_submarine/
%
What is it called when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fc4zs/what_is_it_called_when_batman_skips_church/
%
Dark Humour is like food...

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fc1cy/dark_humour_is_like_food/
%
Did you hear about the kidnaping at school

Don’t worry he woke up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbzab/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnaping_at_school/
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I used to think I was indecisive

But now I'm not so sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbyub/i_used_to_think_i_was_indecisive/
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Dating a French Horn player

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbv6i/dating_a_french_horn_player/
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A person walks up to another person

Person 2: "Yes."
Person 1: "Are you a mind reader?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbv0g/a_person_walks_up_to_another_person/
%
Communist jokes are never funny.

Unless everybody gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbuog/communist_jokes_are_never_funny/
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Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One looks at the other and says, “I think we are doing this wrong.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbtr1/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
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Air Force One Vanished

The Air Force One vanishes somewhere over a remote farm. Quickly, a rescue party is sent to the last known location. Instead of the plane, they just find a farmer on a bulldozer.
Rescuer: "Have you seen the presidents plane anywhere?"
Farmer: "Yeah it crashed on my field about an hour ago"
Rescuer: "Where is it?"
Farmer: "It was totally wrecked and everyone inside was dead, so I pushed the whole lot in a hole and buried it."
Rescuer: "The president is dead?"
Farmer: "Well he kept saying he was still alive, but you know how he lies..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbt0j/air_force_one_vanished/
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An American sailor walks up to a urinal and starts peeing...

... A few seconds later, a fellow Irish sailor goes to the urinal next to him and starts peeing.  The American's eyes start to wander, and he can't help but look down at the Irish man's penis and notice a "W" and "Y" tattooed down there.  "I'm really sorry that I looked over," says the American, "but i have to ask.  Why do you have a 'WY' tatooed on your penis?"  "You got me," responds the Irish sailor.  "Me girl back home is named Wendy, and the tattoo says 'Wendy' when fully erect."  The American nods and goes on his way.
A few days later, the American again walks up to a urinal and starts peeing.  A few seconds later, a Nigerian sailor goes to the urinal next to him and starts peeing as well.  Again, the American's eyes wander and, surprisingly, he sees the same "WY" tattoo on the Nigerian's penis.  Shocked and confused, the American says "Look I know this sounds weird, but do you have a girl named Wendy back home waiting for you?"  "No," the Nigerian responds, "I just really miss my home country so I got a tattoo that says 'Welcome to Nigeria, we hope you have a wonderful day' when fully erect."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbrqv/an_american_sailor_walks_up_to_a_urinal_and/
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A man decides to buy his family a pet

So he goes downtown to a new pet store that's advertising exotic animals. Walking around the store the man sees a frog on sale for $1,500 and asks the cashier "why is this frog so expensive?"
The cashier chuckles a little and says "well that sir isn't just any frog, it's a South American blowjob frog, it's a rare species in the States, but people say that frog gives the best blow jobs"
The man thinks about it for a minute and despite believing the salesman is full of shit, decides to buy the frog and see if it lives up to the hype.
Later that night the man's wife comes home and the kitchen is a mess, there are dishes every where and her husband is standing in the middle of the kitchen covered in flour clutching the frog.
Perplexed the woman asks her husband "What the hell is going on here?"
"If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbq7v/a_man_decides_to_buy_his_family_a_pet/
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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You shoulda seen the look on her face when I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbplz/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
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I lost my job as a police officer just for giving a guy a breathalyser test.

Apparently it "wasn't humorous" to the passenger that survived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbit0/i_lost_my_job_as_a_police_officer_just_for_giving/
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What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?

A pistachio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbiqr/what_do_you_call_a_mustache_soaked_in_urine/
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"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"
"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbiel/my_vagina_is_like_the_local_gym_said_my_wife/
%
“If you woke up and found a used condom in your ass would you tell anyone?”

“No”
“Want to go camping?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbgnj/if_you_woke_up_and_found_a_used_condom_in_your/
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A hitchhiker with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was standing on the side of the road

An Irish man pulls up and says " eye,eye eye you look armless, why don't you hop on in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbdh9/a_hitchhiker_with_3_eyes_no_arms_and_one_leg_was/
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I went to a theme park today, but I honestly thought it was a waste of money.

If I wanted to wait ages for a quick thrill, I'd go home to my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbd8v/i_went_to_a_theme_park_today_but_i_honestly/
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What did the left tower say to the right?

Can't talk right now, I've gotta catch a flight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbczf/what_did_the_left_tower_say_to_the_right/
%
My wife ran away with my best friend

...I really miss him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fbady/my_wife_ran_away_with_my_best_friend/
%
What do you call a racist, southern bakery?

Cake Cake Cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fb9vb/what_do_you_call_a_racist_southern_bakery/
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A holy priest encounters some kids playing on the street...

... and says to the first one he meets, “Do you want to go to Heaven?”
The kid says, “I do, Father.”
The priest said, “Then tell no lies.” and approached a second child. “Do you want to got to Heaven?”
“Yeah, Father,” was the reply.
“Then listen to your ma and pa,” said the priest, as he walked up to the last child.
“Do you want to go to Heaven?”
“No, I don’t Father,” the kid replied.
The priest looked shocked, and said, “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to Heaven?”
“Oh, shit, sure, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right NOW.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fb61s/a_holy_priest_encounters_some_kids_playing_on_the/
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What do you call a knight that lost their legs?

Defeated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fb5pl/what_do_you_call_a_knight_that_lost_their_legs/
%
Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.
FP Edit: RIP my inbox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fb1x3/doctor_well_it_looks_like_youre_pregnant/
%
For Christmas my wife wanted a stuffed Reynard, but I forgot. So...

Zero fox given.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fayf6/for_christmas_my_wife_wanted_a_stuffed_reynard/
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My friend told me this joke a while ago, and I thought that it was pretty good:

A man goes to a restaurant and sits down to eat.
The waiter comes by and asks him what he would like to eat.
The man says, “I’ll have one of your world-famous burgers with lettuce and onions on it.”
The waiter responds, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re fresh out of onions.”
“Oh, that’s fine. I’ll just have some French Onion Soup, then.”
“Sir, I told you, we’re out of onions.”
“I understand. I’ll have some onion-stuffed quesadilla.”
“Sir for the last time, we are out of onions.”
“Alright, alright! I hear you! I’m not that hungry anyways, I’ll just get those all-natural onion rings you have there.”
The frustrated waiter, growing impatient, sighs, and looks at the man.
“Look,” he says. “What do you get if you take the ‘milk’ out of ‘buttermilk?’”
The man, confused, replies, “Uh, you just have the word butter.”
“And what do you get if you take the ‘straw’ out of ‘strawberry?’”
The man, still perplexed, responds, “Berry.”
“And what do you get if you take the ‘fuck’ out of ‘onions?’”
“There ain’t no ‘fuck’ in ‘onions!’”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7faxpq/my_friend_told_me_this_joke_a_while_ago_and_i/
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7favvq/what_did_the_nut_say_when_it_was_chasing_the/
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How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?

Attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fauwp/how_did_the_redneck_find_his_sister_in_the_woods/
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What’s the difference between what Eminem does and what Bill Cosby does?

An “e” at the end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fasw3/whats_the_difference_between_what_eminem_does_and/
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What's North Korea's favourite rap group?

Run, DMZ!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fapzr/whats_north_koreas_favourite_rap_group/
%
Three boys are playing marines outside...

A man walks up to them and asks what they’re up to. The first boy doing air squats says “I’m rock climbing.” The second boy running in place says “I’m on tour right now running through the desert.” The third boy doing push-ups says “I’m friends with these two and while they’re on tour l’m fucking their wives.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fanur/three_boys_are_playing_marines_outside/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because doing so gave it a sense of pride and accomplishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fanu2/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
What do redneck fathers like to chew on?

Dad gum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fan5z/what_do_redneck_fathers_like_to_chew_on/
%
What does Hitler name his Minecraft worlds?

Mein Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fan0s/what_does_hitler_name_his_minecraft_worlds/
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At a brothel a man got his dick sucked.

However he was very unhappy with his blowjob, so he asked to speak to the head manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fampb/at_a_brothel_a_man_got_his_dick_sucked/
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The best blow job ever!

Henry and his drinking buddy are sitting at the bar one day, having a few brews, when Henry's buddy declares " I've had the best blow job ever, from the most amazing prostitute I've been graced to know!". Henry, who is amused by the statement, asked "what made it so special!?" To which his buddy replied "it was not only perfect in all the right ways Henry, but she sang the star spangled banner while she was still sucking!!".
"What!" Chuckled Henry "how horrible did that sound?!". without missing a beat his friend explained " that's the best part dude, it was perfect...not muffled or garbled at all; she can sing and suck at the same time!! I'm going to give you her number, call her up and have 40$ ready, you have to have yourself a singing blow job!".
The next day, being the curious fornicator that he is, Henry calls this woman up and decides to set up a date. She tells him over the phone to meet her at her hotel room at 8pm and to bring 40$. 8pm rolls by, and Henry is ushered inside a hotel room by this beautiful blonde haired prostitute named Sally. Sally sits him down, and explains to Henry, her conditions. "Henry" she says, in a sultry voice, " I have a few rules be for we have some fun. I need money up front, and the lights must be off". Henry readily agrees, and hands her the forty dollars and leans over and flicks the lights off, "let's do this!" He exclaims happily. Sally starts taking off his pants and gets right to business, really going to town on his nether regions! Henry is in pure bliss! this had to be the best blowie he had ever received, but the best part is when she started singing the national anthem!
" ohhh say caaan you seee, by the dawwns early liiight"! Henry is besides himself at this point, not only is the song being sung flawlessly, but the oral sex and the sense of patriotism have him about to explode! Henry puts his arms back against the wall, to brace himself for the imminent release he is about to experience, when his hands twitch against the lights switch and turns the lights back on! The light floods the hotel room, and Sally screams, scampers behind the chair, and puts in her glass eye...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7faiwg/the_best_blow_job_ever/
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Everyone knows Albert Einstein was a genius...

but his brother, Frank, was a real monster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7faic4/everyone_knows_albert_einstein_was_a_genius/
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Jesus walks into a jewish bar

Let's just say he got hammered...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fagdi/jesus_walks_into_a_jewish_bar/
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This year, I tried to smoke a turkey.

But I rolled it too tight and couldn't get the end lit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fafni/this_year_i_tried_to_smoke_a_turkey/
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My dad died 10 years ago.

It was hard to recover at first, but it doesn't hit me like he used to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fac0o/my_dad_died_10_years_ago/
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What's the difference between a Catholic priest and spots?

Spots don't usually come on your face until you're around 13

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fabok/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
%
1 in 3 guys are gay

I really hope it's my buddy Kyle, he's kinda cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fa2lw/1_in_3_guys_are_gay/
%
What is better than roses on my piano?

Tulips on my organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7fa2fh/what_is_better_than_roses_on_my_piano/
%
One evening an old farmer went down to the pond...

One evening an old farmer went to go down to the pond, as he hasn't been there in a while, he grabbed a five gallon bucket and some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted at him "we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or get out of the pond naked". Holding the bucket up he said "I'm here to feed the alligator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f9zu7/one_evening_an_old_farmer_went_down_to_the_pond/
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A lot of people are calling me an “honest stalker”, whatever that means.

Not gonna lie, I see where they’re coming from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f9w0k/a_lot_of_people_are_calling_me_an_honest_stalker/
%
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f9swd/a_very_elderly_couple_is_having_an_elegant_dinner/
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What do you call a North Korean joke?

A Kim Jong Pun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f9lrn/what_do_you_call_a_north_korean_joke/
%
I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday?

I blackout every Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f9jl0/i_dont_know_what_the_big_deal_is_about_black/
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What would a belt made out of watches be?

A complete waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f9f3d/what_would_a_belt_made_out_of_watches_be/
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Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned.

The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet,
Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad.
You better roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thinks this is strange.
Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician.
"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f9ewn/bubba_dies_in_a_fire_and_his_body_is_pretty_badly/
%
A girl just offered me a date.

But I'm not hungry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f9bew/a_girl_just_offered_me_a_date/
%
a man goes to buy a house.

he found one very good looking one. it was near the beach, it was big and it was cheap. So the man goes to see the house with the seller. They tour the house and it looks like it is everything he coud want, big, cheap and great view. when they arrive to the bathroom the seller turns around and says "ok we have one condition about this house. DO NOT press that button on the bathroom wall." The man looks over to the seller who is pointing at the wall and sees a big red button at the wall. he thought "fair enough this is a great house otherwise". the man buys the house.
he spent his days enjoying the house, it was perfect in every way. but the nagging in his head never stopped "what woud that button do?". so one day he finally said out loud "this is my house dammit i can do what ever i want in it!" he went to the bathroom and pressed the button BEEB wall opened and there was big robot and it spoke: "with or without vaseline?" then man stuttered "wi-wi-without" then the robot grabbed the man and proceeded to pound him two hours straight. dry. the man was mortified and promised himself
never to touch that button again.
But, one day when he was leaving the shower, he slipped and accidently pressed the button again BEEB . to his horror the wall opened once more and the same big robot repeated the question "with or without vaseline?" this time he said "WITH vaseline!" BEEB another wall opened and there was another robot almost twice the size of the other robot "HELLO MY NAME IS VASELINE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f99df/a_man_goes_to_buy_a_house/
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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f8zyd/juan_comes_up_to_the_mexican_border_on_his_bicycle/
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All this Spending on Black Friday

Better make sure ya'll pay the electric bill first or next Friday will be Black Friday too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f8ul3/all_this_spending_on_black_friday/
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What do you call a corrupt politician?

Ajit V. Pai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f8pmm/what_do_you_call_a_corrupt_politician/
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Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f8lc2/dont_you_hate_it_when_someone_answers_their_own/
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Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f8krr/once_i_saw_this_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
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An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...

and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f8kn7/an_atheist_a_crossfitter_and_a_vegan_are_all/
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An Indian and a Cowboy

meet in the dessert. The Indian points one finger at the cowboy. In Reaction to that the Cowboy points two fingers at the Indian. After that the Indian forms a triangle with his hand and then made a wave motion. To that the cowboy made a wavemotion and they parted ways.
The cowboy at home tells his friends what just happend. He said:
"I just met an Indian in the dessert and he said he would shoot me therefore the brave American I am I responded with saying I would shoot him twice. After that he said he would just go pack to his tent" They laughed hysterically.
At the same time in the Indians tent the Indu tells his friend about the encounter with the cowboy. He told them:
"I just met a white man. I asked him what his name is and he got angry and told me he is called goat. Of course i asked him Mountain or river goat. He told me river goat. He then laughed happily as he rushed away on his horse. Weird guys those whites."
They didn't laugh since goats a normal name in their language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f8jw5/an_indian_and_a_cowboy/
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You know what really grinds my gears?

When I don't push the clutch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f8if5/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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Why can't testicles and prostates ever get together?

They have a vas deferens between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f8fn6/why_cant_testicles_and_prostates_ever_get_together/
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I bought Star Wars Battlefront 2 today...

That's it. That's the entire joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f8dqj/i_bought_star_wars_battlefront_2_today/
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WIFE: - "If I knew you were so poor, I would never have married you."

HUSBAND: - "But I warned you! I said you are everything I have!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f89x9/wife_if_i_knew_you_were_so_poor_i_would_never/
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Not saying we were poor, but many a time, my mother would send me next door with a button...

...and ask our neighbor if she would sew a shirt on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f86yg/not_saying_we_were_poor_but_many_a_time_my_mother/
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I made a real friend today

I multiplied my imaginary friend by sqrt(-1).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f83aq/i_made_a_real_friend_today/
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My wife wrote a thesis on my penis

My wife wrote a thesis and she wanted to show it to me. “Honey, can I read this to you?”
“That’s great of you to write about me, but I’m sorry, I’m busy right now,” I said.
“It’s not long,” she replied.
“Alright, fine, what’s this thesis on my penis?”
“Oh, that was it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f82e0/my_wife_wrote_a_thesis_on_my_penis/
%
My friend couldn't see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie because of an eye injury...

his Depp perception isn't too good now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f7zyo/my_friend_couldnt_see_the_new_pirates_of_the/
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I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Hold that ladder tight, you little cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f7wbf/ill_never_forget_my_grandpas_last_words/
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I was about to propose

to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f7v6h/i_was_about_to_propose/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f7u4d/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
I'm 24 and she's 13. She wants me - what do I do?

I've been playing an online game with a woman. I'm up to level 24, but she's only on level 13. She really wants me in her clan to help her level, but I cant find the heart to tell her that she's only going to hold me back from leveling up myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f7sy7/im_24_and_shes_13_she_wants_me_what_do_i_do/
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Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the  Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f7p54/missionary_in_the_jungle/
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How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?

If was created anywhere else it would have been called the teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f7p0i/how_do_we_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
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What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriend's ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f7kv6/whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_marmalade/
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North Korean missiles can now reach mainland U.S.A...

WE WILL BUILD A ROOF! AND N. KOREA'S GOING TO PAY FOR IT! SAD!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f7keu/north_korean_missiles_can_now_reach_mainland_usa/
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I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f7jsm/i_asked_to_switch_seats_on_a_plane_because_i_was/
%
Throwing acid is wrong,

In some peoples eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f7ggs/throwing_acid_is_wrong/
%
What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f7br1/whats_the_difference_between_humans_and_a_bullet/
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I just ended a 15 year marriage.

It’s ok though, it wasn’t mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f7biz/i_just_ended_a_15_year_marriage/
%
Budweiser starts a collaboration with SpaceX to be the first beer on Mars

I can already see the headlines...
"Colonist discovers water on Mars!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f779a/budweiser_starts_a_collaboration_with_spacex_to/
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I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words and she said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect...

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f74ic/i_asked_my_wife_to_describe_me_in_5_words_and_she/
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Two Indian lads go to a party

Two Indian lads get invited to a fancy dress party, the theme is... ‘come as an emotion’
After much thought the lads think they have it sorted and get prepped for the big night. They get naked, grab their props and head down the hall to where the party is at.
The host is letting people in the door, firstly a chap completely covered in blue body paint. “Ahhhh you are all blue I see you are depressed, very good very good” praises the host. Then someone completely covered in green body paint... “ahhh my envious friend, come in come in”
Then our two lads are there standing in front of the host, butt naked, one with his knob stuck in a pear and the other with his covered in custard.
“What the fuck is this?” Asks the host. “What emotions have you come as?!?”
Lad 1: “I am deeply in dis pear”
Lad 2: “I am fucking dis custard”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f72xv/two_indian_lads_go_to_a_party/
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BOB IN SPAIN....

One day, Bob was touring Spain. After a day of sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have an excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
Bob, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish, finally said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, Bob returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied,"yes,senor! Sometimes the bull wins!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f72hz/bob_in_spain/
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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order, so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f72gd/i_desperately_needed_a_massive_shit_on_the_train/
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What's the difference between a lobster with a boob job and an old bus stop?

One's a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f6y8o/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with_a/
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Do you know why they call it Black Friday?

Everything is 3/5 the price!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f6vq9/do_you_know_why_they_call_it_black_friday/
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What did the gay deer say leaving the nightclub?

I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f6u0q/what_did_the_gay_deer_say_leaving_the_nightclub/
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The state of Florida is a navigational anomaly...

The further north you go the more southern it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f6t4o/the_state_of_florida_is_a_navigational_anomaly/
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They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship

Not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f6lpi/they_say_1_in_3_people_cheat_in_a_relationship/
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Storm troopers makes great drivers!

They never hit anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f6hfb/storm_troopers_makes_great_drivers/
%
The NSA

The only part of the government that listens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f6ez8/the_nsa/
%
One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.

The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?”
The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f6dw8/one_night_a_little_girl_walks_in_on_her_parents/
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What’s the difference between black and white iPhones?

The black ones run faster but the white ones are easier to jailbreak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f6dpr/whats_the_difference_between_black_and_white/
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What do you do when a Soviet nuclear engineers asks for help in Ukraine?

You give them a third hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f6dp7/what_do_you_do_when_a_soviet_nuclear_engineers/
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I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f63to/i_dont_know_what_the_big_deal_is_about_black/
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f60r2/a_few_days_after_christmas_a_mother_was_working/
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A man sees a woman in a bar...

A man sees a woman in a bar and asks, "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"
The woman is startled at first, but replies, "My goodness! Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course..."
The man turns away from her and says, "I've changed my mind. Would you sleep with me for five dollars?"
The woman then says, "Of course not! What kind of woman do you think I am?"
The man says, "Madam, we've already established that. Now we're just negotiating.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f5zsg/a_man_sees_a_woman_in_a_bar/
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Last day of work..

I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your wife?"
Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f5yyc/last_day_of_work/
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How did Jesus get so ripped?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f5wt9/how_did_jesus_get_so_ripped/
%
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.
They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.
I just want to go home." POOF!
The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.
I wish I could go home too." POOF!
The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f5su6/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stuck_on_an/
%
Hugh Laurie was confronted by a police officer at his door.

It was a House arrest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f5om7/hugh_laurie_was_confronted_by_a_police_officer_at/
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Why do North Koreans draw the best lines?

Because they have a Supreme Ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f5lnu/why_do_north_koreans_draw_the_best_lines/
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I just got completely burnt fries at a restaurant.

It really is Black Fry Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f5i1j/i_just_got_completely_burnt_fries_at_a_restaurant/
%
My dad shoved a carrot up his ass...

I was really angry because I was going to eat that later and now its just going to taste like carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f5fly/my_dad_shoved_a_carrot_up_his_ass/
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I don't understand all the hate for Ajit Pai. He's just doing his job.

If he didn't, Verizon would probably fire him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f5c6c/i_dont_understand_all_the_hate_for_ajit_pai_hes/
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What does an evil chicken lay?

Deviled eggs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f58xz/what_does_an_evil_chicken_lay/
%
Little Johnny

A door to door sales woman knocks on a door. Little Johnny opens the door holding a tumbler of scotch and a lit cigar. The woman, visibly shaken, asks "Little boy is your mother home?". Little Johnny takes a sip of his scotch and a draw from his cigar before he looks her dead in her eyes and says "What the fuck do you think?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f55j8/little_johnny/
%
I won $3 Million in the lottery last weekend and I decided to donate a quarter of it...

now I only have $2,999,999.75

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f54jj/i_won_3_million_in_the_lottery_last_weekend_and_i/
%
A black women named betty goes to a butcher shop.

Betty: Can I get a half pound of beef?
Butcher: No Black Betty, ham or lamb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f53f0/a_black_women_named_betty_goes_to_a_butcher_shop/
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With all the bad luck the US has seen in the past couple years...

It's almost as if it were built on an Indian burial ground
Happy Thanksgiving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f5383/with_all_the_bad_luck_the_us_has_seen_in_the_past/
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Whose the dummy??

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young blonde-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
Ha!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f50yu/whose_the_dummy/
%
So there's this duck...

...and one day he's walkin down the street when he gets a huge craving for some donuts. So he goes to the bakery and walks in and says to the baker "hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" And the baker's like "No, you can't. We don't serve ducks here." And the duck's all like "man i got cash and i won't tell anyone just sell me some donuts and i'll be on my way." And baker's like "No way lil duckieboy, rules are rules, get outta my bakery before i call the cops."
So the duck walks outta the bakery super bummed and goes into an alley to vent and he's all like "Man duck can't catch a damn break in this world, i make an honest living and can't even buy a damn pastry with my own hard-earned money, this shit is bogus," when he hears a spooky voice from the shadows say "perhaps i can help you with that." Duck's mad creeped out by strange voice in an alley but he's intrigued so he's like "hey who said that show yourself!" A second later a haggard old gypsy woman emerges from the shadows and says "i've heard your predicament and have a solution to your problem. I have here a Magic Kelp which will transform you into an adult man so that you can see the world from a human's eyes, but the transformation only lasts for 5 minutes."
"Holy shit that's amazing!" says the duck. "How much does that Magic Kelp cost?!"
"For you, lil duckieboy, it's completely free."
Duck's ecstatic, can't believe the generosity of this gypsy woman. He eats the Magic Kelp and POOF turns into a middle aged man. He takes a second to think about the science behind that magic kelp but then remembers that he only has 5 minutes to be a person so he can't waste any time.
He heads back into the bakery, walks up to the counter, and says to the baker "Hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" Baker says "yeah no sweat, funny you should order that though, a duck walked in here a minute ago and tried to order the exact same thing!" The duck just wants his donuts but also wants to take advantage of his human form and mess with the guy a bit so he says, "that's nuts! A duck in a bakery, how crazy. Did you sell him the donuts?"
Baker's like "hellllll no i didn't sell that duck  no donuts, i do that and there'll be badgers ordering baguettes, cougars gettin cupcakes, and chimps buying eclairs. This is a bakery, not a damn wildlife reserve!" "Well, what if i told you I was a duck?" said the duck.
Baker: "I'd say you're full of shit, i can clearly see that you're a man."
Duck: "Alright, i'll bet you $2000 that i can prove i'm a duck in 30 seconds." Baker feels like he's being tricked but knows the guy's a guy and not a duck so he agrees to the bet and shakes on it. Right after shaking hands the 5 minute Magic Kelp wears off and he's turned back into a duck, leaving the baker astonished. "Hooooooly shit you're a duck! How is that even possible!? I don't believe my eyes!" Baker opens up the register, takes out 2 grand cash and hands it to the duck who grabs his donuts and walks out like a boss.
He goes back into the alley, finds the old gypsy woman, and hands her $1000 cash. Gypsy's shocked and super appreciative, "Thank you so much! Most people just eat the thing and i never see them again, you're so sweet!"
And the duck says "No thank YOU! I couldn't have donut without your kelp."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f4wwk/so_theres_this_duck/
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Balloons remind me of my dad

They don't come back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f4to9/balloons_remind_me_of_my_dad/
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I'm not an arachnophobe...

I just don't think spiders should be marrying other spiders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f4t9i/im_not_an_arachnophobe/
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What do retirement homes smell like?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f4ogc/what_do_retirement_homes_smell_like/
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What starts with “F” and ends with “AG” and should not be considered a human?

Flag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f4lo7/what_starts_with_f_and_ends_with_ag_and_should/
%
The man who killed Hitler

Is my hero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f4j8i/the_man_who_killed_hitler/
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Grammar is the difference between helping your uncle, Jack, off a horse, and helping your uncle, Jackoff, a horse.

I don't know about you, but I'm definitely not related to a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f4iab/grammar_is_the_difference_between_helping_your/
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A wife yells at her husband

“How could you do this to me?!”
“What did I do?”
“You slept with my sister!!”
“Well, when I went to work, she was lying on the table naked and you know she’s an attractive woman. What do you expect me to do?”
“The autopsy...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f4bk8/a_wife_yells_at_her_husband/
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Why don't hillbillies do reverse cowgirl?

Because they don't turn their back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f46od/why_dont_hillbillies_do_reverse_cowgirl/
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Whats the difference between EA and North Korea ?

North Korea didn't screw up as many launches as EA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f43gr/whats_the_difference_between_ea_and_north_korea/
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The Chinese Doctor

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside: 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100!' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f417u/the_chinese_doctor/
%
I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop

“Jump in, I’ll give you a lift home”  I said.
“Fuck off” he shouted back.
“What an ungrateful little cunt” I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f40gj/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbour_at_a_bus_stop/
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I'm like spaghetti: I'm straight!

as long as I stay away from the pot...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3stl/im_like_spaghetti_im_straight/
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What did Pingu say to a girl he met on Tinder

Send noots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3rgf/what_did_pingu_say_to_a_girl_he_met_on_tinder/
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There was once a professional French soccer team whose players were all ducks

Named Le Tariat, they were so good that all other teams were amateur by comparison.  This led to a lot of resentment, and the other teams all shunned them.  While most simply ignored them, a few were very mean about it.
Le Tariat hatched a plan to kidnap the meanest of the players who were shunning them.  In the middle of the night they did exactly that.  They were caught though, and ended up going to prison where, being much smaller than the human inmates, they had a very bad time.
So in the end, seizing the meanies of pro duck shun didn't make the pro Le Tariat any happier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3p42/there_was_once_a_professional_french_soccer_team/
%
A married couple find 2 aliens in a field.

A married couple find a male and a female alien in a field and decide to have sex with them to see what its like. After about a half an hour of sex, the two humans meet up to talk about what it was like. The wife tells the husband "It was the greatest sex I have ever had! When I pulled on his right ear, his penis would get bigger! When I pulled on his left ear it would get smaller!" The man replies with: "That sounds wonderful! My sex was horrible. She kept tugging on my right ear the whole time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3oce/a_married_couple_find_2_aliens_in_a_field/
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How do you get Batman into the Marvel Universe?

Hang him on the wall. Now he's a Bruce Banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3o7k/how_do_you_get_batman_into_the_marvel_universe/
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How to audio files say hi to one another?

They just .wav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3lzb/how_to_audio_files_say_hi_to_one_another/
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I stole some tools from my last kitchen job...

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3k00/i_stole_some_tools_from_my_last_kitchen_job/
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A LESSON IN GOVERNMENT !

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3jm6/a_lesson_in_government/
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A Thanksgiving joke from my uncle

Has anyone ever had a turducken?
Yeah I have. I started to push it out, but it ducked right back in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3j8b/a_thanksgiving_joke_from_my_uncle/
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It's a Bacon tree

An general and his army are on the way to a battle 3 counties over and are looking for a place to rest.  A foreigner standing on top of the hill stops the general and points down the hill.
"No go there. It's Bacon Tree"
The general and his men look at each other look at the foreigner and say to him
"What's a bacon tree"
The foreigner starts making jumping and stabbing movements and starts spouting
"Bacon Tree, Bacon tree that way"
The general shrugs his shoulders and continues down the hill where a group of Indians were waiting and massacred the entire army leaving only the general and his first in command.  They both marched bloody up to the hill to the foreigner and said to him
"They killed everyone, they were waiting for us.  Why didn't you say anything?"
The foreigner suddenly looks up as if he remembered something, shakes his head and starts yelling
"Ham Bush, down there Ham Bush"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3h5o/its_a_bacon_tree/
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Once upon a time

There was a very happy, married couple who ran a small farm.
They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed especially.
The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain. “One day, you’ll spill your guts out, you mark my words!” was the lady’s frequent closing warning.
Then one Thanksgiving morning, gutting the turkey, she had a stroke of genius. She took all the turkey’s guts and went to their bedroom and quietly slipped them under the still sleeping man’s covers. “That’ll teach him!” she thought with satisfaction and went back to her work.
At 10 the man was still nowhere to be seen – quite shocking for a farmer – and she was starting to worry when finally her husband came down – walking a little strange, wearing an even stranger expression.
“You were right about the farting, Ida,” he panted, “I’m ashamed to admit that I did fart my guts out. But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, all is right again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3h2z/once_upon_a_time/
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Jesus doesn't get angry.

He gets cross

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3g2c/jesus_doesnt_get_angry/
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You gotta be careful around everyone these days. I was walking down the street yesterday and a guy walked towards me and pulled out scissors.

I'm sooooo happy I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock. Cuz if I had pulled out paper, shiiiit, I would have lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3drg/you_gotta_be_careful_around_everyone_these_days_i/
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What's the difference between a white penguin and a black penguin?

White penguins are walking towards you and black ones are walking away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3doa/whats_the_difference_between_a_white_penguin_and/
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My friends call me an alcoholic, but I've only ever been drunk twice.

The first time was when I was 17 and the second time has been since 2008

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f3cow/my_friends_call_me_an_alcoholic_but_ive_only_ever/
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Where does the candy man keep his candy?

The candy man can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f39nd/where_does_the_candy_man_keep_his_candy/
%
I went to the doctor with hearing problems, and he asked if I could describe the symptoms.

I said "Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f33ow/i_went_to_the_doctor_with_hearing_problems_and_he/
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Have you heard about the guy who wants to repeal net neutrality?

What a piece Ajit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f31qn/have_you_heard_about_the_guy_who_wants_to_repeal/
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Last night i was in bed with my girlfriend, she said "turn the light out and put it in me!"

It was still hot! Guess I should have let the bulb cool down first!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f30al/last_night_i_was_in_bed_with_my_girlfriend_she/
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Here's a one liner I heard from a friend.

An Irish man walked out of a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f2v65/heres_a_one_liner_i_heard_from_a_friend/
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A man walks into a clinic...

A man walks into a clinic and says to the doctor:
– Doc, you see, I have this problem of excess of gases all they long. One million farts a day. They don't have any smell and they are totally silent but it is very inconvenient having to fart all they long.
The doctor says: – OK, take these pills after meals for a week and return here after that.
A week later the man returns and say: "Jeez Doc, I don't know what you did but the pills you gave me did not solve the gas problem. I continue to have the gas problem and now they smell like shit!".
The doctor says: "Good, the first part treatment was a success. Now you have your sense of smell back... now lets treat your hearing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f2u6y/a_man_walks_into_a_clinic/
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An old Jewish man walks into a restaurant

He orders some soup. The waiter quickly brings his soup but the old man doesn’t eat. The waiter returns after some minutes. “Excuse me sir. Is there something wrong with your soup?”
“Try it and find out.” The old man responded.
“Is the soup too cold?”
“Try it.”
“I-is it too hot?”
“Just try it.”
“Not enough vegetables, too much broth, does it smell funny?”
“What are ya, mishegas? Just try the soup!” The old man shouts.
“Alright!” The waiter gives in. “Where’s the spoon?” He looks over the table.
The old man just smiles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f2lck/an_old_jewish_man_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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A woman is stung by a bee on a golf course

She goes into anaphylactic shock due to an allergy and they take her to a doctor.
"Where was she stung?", asked the doctor.
"Between the first and second hole.",
"Well she may need to work on her stance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f2kp2/a_woman_is_stung_by_a_bee_on_a_golf_course/
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To the guy who hacked my Reddit account.

I swear to God I'm going to find you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f2f1v/to_the_guy_who_hacked_my_reddit_account/
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The only good thing about Thanksgiving is the food...

And even that turns to shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f2amr/the_only_good_thing_about_thanksgiving_is_the_food/
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As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f20e3/as_a_canadian_i_never_realized_how_slow_my/
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Triplets

A woman was pregnant with triplets. One day she was walking to the market and a man came out of no where and shot her thrice. She was rushed to the hospital and somehow she survived. Her delivery date came and she gave birth to 2 daughters and 1 son.
18 years later :
The mother was in the garden when her eldest daughter comes to her.
Daughter 1 : Mother mother, guess what happened?
Mother : What happened?
Daughter 1 : I was peeing and I peed a bullet.
Mother tells her the story of how she got shot.
The next day -
The other daughter goes to the mother.
Daughter 2 : Mother mother, guess what happened?
Mother : What happened?
Daughter 2 : I was peeing and I peed a bullet.
Mother tells her also the story.
The next day -
The son goes to the mother.
Son : Mother mother, guess what happened?
Mother : Let me guess, you were peeing and you peed a bullet?
Son : No. I was masturbating and I shot the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f1zqk/triplets/
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Letter to Santa: "Please send me a baby brother"

Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f1njo/letter_to_santa_please_send_me_a_baby_brother/
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Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast?

Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f1l9l/hey_roy_moore_whats_the_weather_forecast/
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I don't get why I just got seated in the back of the police car...

I clearly called shotgun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f1ks7/i_dont_get_why_i_just_got_seated_in_the_back_of/
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My wife asked me which of her friends I want to have a threesome with

Now she's mad at my answer.
I guess I was suppose to only say one name, not two,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f1jyy/my_wife_asked_me_which_of_her_friends_i_want_to/
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Jeff Sessions was asked why the telemarketing company fired him

He did not recall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f1ije/jeff_sessions_was_asked_why_the_telemarketing/
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A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and has no secrets except one.

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one
The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f1iab/a_husband_and_wife_had_been_married_for_60_years/
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Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands.

Now they're just the Islands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f1hku/chuck_norris_visited_the_virgin_islands/
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I've found one good thing about being 80 years of age.

Every birthday is a surprise birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f1h88/ive_found_one_good_thing_about_being_80_years_of/
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There is a person who is seven times more likely to kill you than anybody else and that's you

Not if I kill him first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f1eyr/there_is_a_person_who_is_seven_times_more_likely/
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A man divorces his wife..

He's very aggravated and starts kicking items around the living room to take out the frustration. During his rampage he kicks over a bottle and a genie pops out.
The genie says "You have 3 wishes.."
"Great" the man said.
"But there is a condition, anything you get, your wife gets double."
"Shit!" cried the man
He paused for a few moments "i'd like a million dollars" "done" He got a million, his wife got 2 million.
"Whats next?"
"I'd like a cottage up on the mountain"
So he got a cottage, the wife got 2.
"What about the final wish?"
"see that stick over there?"
"Yes, what about it?"
"I'd like you to beat me half to death with it."
PS: Sorry if this is a rehash or repost, I just got it off a customer, and thought it was fairly good, figured i'd share it with you guys ~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f1exm/a_man_divorces_his_wife/
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What is the most expensive thing you can buy?

Sense of pride and accomplishment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f1ee7/what_is_the_most_expensive_thing_you_can_buy/
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Everyone is always concerned how dirty my kitchenware is

Well my grandma always told me "a washed pot never boils"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f17om/everyone_is_always_concerned_how_dirty_my/
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Joe and his friends went to the costume party...

Joe and his friends went to the costume party and were really enjoying themselves.
Then a woman came in. She was wearing nothing at all, but was body-painted in white from head to toes.
The guys struggled to guess what that meant but after few drinks Joe gathered courage and went to ask.
"Excuse me, madam, we were wondering what are you dressed up as? Can you please tell us?"
The woman spreads her legs and says:
"Tooth decay, silly!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f1673/joe_and_his_friends_went_to_the_costume_party/
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A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister.
You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f15uc/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar_and_find_his_way_to_a/
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An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..

He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f15t0/an_irish_man_is_pulled_from_a_burning_bar/
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I faked my age

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f13m5/i_faked_my_age/
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Put the punchline in the title

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f13kn/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Genocide
Happy Thanksgiving Reddit!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f10nv/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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An aircraft is flying when all over sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot.

Having heard the crash a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.
Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened.
So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath.
Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
"I'm 5'4 and in the front seat of the plane."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio. "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f0y8l/an_aircraft_is_flying_when_all_over_sudden_a_bird/
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A daughter walks up to her dad and confesses that she's lesbian.

"Ok," the dad says. The second daughter also confesses that she is lesbian.
"God dammit, is there anyone in this house who loves men?"
"I do," the son says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f0x8o/a_daughter_walks_up_to_her_dad_and_confesses_that/
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So there was this judge who just sentenced a man in court...

The man asked:
“Hypothetically, what would happen if I called you a cunt?”
The judge answered “If you were to call me a cunt, then I would sentence you for contempt to the court and you would spend the night in jail”
“Alright, said the man, but what if I was just thinking it?”
“I have no authority on what’s in your head. You’re free to think whatever you please.”
“In that case, your honor, I think that you’re a cunt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f0wgv/so_there_was_this_judge_who_just_sentenced_a_man/
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Where do nuts go to school?

Macadamia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f0vvf/where_do_nuts_go_to_school/
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3 pregnant women are waiting i an ob/gyn office...

All three are knitting newborn baby clothes while thry wait.
The first one pulls out a pill bottle and takes one.  "This is my calcium supplement", she says.  "I want my baby to have strong bones."
The 2nd one does the same. "Iron for developing blood cells," she adds.
The 3rd one, a little frustrated, pops a pill and keeps knitting.  She turns to the others. "Thalidomide.  I can't get these fucking sleeves right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f0vqm/3_pregnant_women_are_waiting_i_an_obgyn_office/
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An old couple is celebrating their 40 year anniversary

While the wife is cleaning and getting the house ready she finds 3 beer bottles and $50,000 in loose bills under the bed. At dinner she was going to confront him.
At dinner she does just that.
Wife: honey I love you and I want no secrets between us. When cleaning today I found 3 beer bottles and money under the bed.
Husband: well I think its time I told you. As you know my job requires me to be on the road and I get lonely. So any time I was ever unfaithful to you I would put a beer bottle under the bed to remind me of the mistake I made.
The wife is shocked and thinks for a minute and says "well...3 times in 40 years isn't so bad. I guess couples go through worse. I still love you. But what's with the $50,000 in loose bills?
The husband replies "oh well the beer bottles kept piling up so I would cash them in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f0uyf/an_old_couple_is_celebrating_their_40_year/
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I have sex daily!

Wait... dyslexia...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f0id3/i_have_sex_daily/
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my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk

she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f0hde/my_great_great_grandmother_has_eyes_of_a_hawk/
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What do hurricanes and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

Someone’s gonna lose a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f0fqf/what_do_hurricanes_and_a_tennessee_divorce_have/
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They say that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

But until I catch one, I'm just going to be sitting here,  holding my rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f0bpu/they_say_that_there_are_plenty_of_fish_in_the_sea/
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A wife complains to her husband

: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f0b7s/a_wife_complains_to_her_husband/
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I'm addicted to thanksgiving leftovers.

But thankfully I've gotten some help and I'm quitting cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f0a8f/im_addicted_to_thanksgiving_leftovers/
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Guy walks on his girlfriend having sex with another man

He screams at her "What are you doing?!?!" and she looks at her lover and says "I told you he was fucking stupid"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f0a7f/guy_walks_on_his_girlfriend_having_sex_with/
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Santa walked into the Kardashian's mansion and said...

Ho, ho, ho!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f08j7/santa_walked_into_the_kardashians_mansion_and_said/
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(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.
Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."
Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."
The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course.
Husband says "ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window
The couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell. A very well dressed man answers the door, "Yeees..?"
Husband: "Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?"
Well dressed man: "oh no I am only the butler. Master is on the other room, follow me.
The couple follows the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master, staying intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball.
Husband: "oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didnt mean to.."
The master interrupts in an understanding tone "haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that case for the last several hundred years. But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself, leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?"
Wife: "uh I want lots of money...."
"Done." Interrupts the master, " I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite. Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account."
Wife: "oh my goodness thank you so much!"
"You're turn", says the the master looking at the husband.
Husband: "I'd like a beautiful home in ever country."
Master: "and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay."
Husband: " Jesus! thank you so much!"
Master: "not a problem. As for my wish, well I have been trapped in that case for so long and all the while without a woman. I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife."
Husband to wife: "I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all that money and houses. You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different."
Wife: "yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from. Play well do it"
The Master is thrilled and wisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end. Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt. He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, " if you dont mind me asking how old are you ans your wife?"
Husband: " well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?"
Master: "just curious as to how you guys still believe in genies.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f07cs/slightly_nsfw_man_says_to_his_wife_that_he_is/
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Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Cuz it got stuck in the crack!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f07bw/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out.

When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f05uw/after_12_years_in_prison_a_man_finally_breaks_out/
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What does Roy Moore and a guitarist have in common?

They both enjoy fingering minors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f05jx/what_does_roy_moore_and_a_guitarist_have_in_common/
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A cop stoped a guy for speeding

"license and registration," he asked. After handing them over, the cop reviews his license, looks at his face,  and says, "it says here you need glasses". The guy politely protested, "officer, I have contacts". The cop shot back, "I don't care whom you know; you still have to wear your glasses".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7f02cq/a_cop_stoped_a_guy_for_speeding/
%
Once there was this judge who just sentenced a man

The man asked the judge,
“Hypothetically, what would happen if I called you a motherfucker?”
The judge answered “If you were to call me a motherfucker, then I would sentence you for contempt to the court and you would spend the night in jail”
“Alright, said the man, but what if I was just thinking it?”
“I have no authority on what’s in your head. You’re free to think whatever you please.”
“In that case, your honor, I think that you’re a motherfucker.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ezyg8/once_there_was_this_judge_who_just_sentenced_a_man/
%
What do you call a potato with glasses?

A spec-tater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ezwup/what_do_you_call_a_potato_with_glasses/
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At 14.6%, Nevada occupies the No.1 spot on the American Divorce Chart.

It's a bad state of affairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ezuo3/at_146_nevada_occupies_the_no1_spot_on_the/
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Do you talk to your wife during sex?

Yeah if she calls why not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ezqdc/do_you_talk_to_your_wife_during_sex/
%
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it in water

If it sinks...girl ant
If it floats....buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ezp72/you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by_putting_it/
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If I had a dollar for every post I’ve seen about NET neutrality...

...the rest of this comment is only viewable with premium membership. Upgrade for $79.99.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ezoqw/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_post_ive_seen_about/
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A man walks into a fancy restaurant...

...and sits alone at an empty table. After some time exploring the menu he calls for a waiter.
"Are you ready to order sir?"
"Yes, I will have a single shrimp and a glass of milk" says the man. The waiter shocked by the extravagance of the order writes it down and goes rushes into the kitchen. A few minutes later the waiter arrives at the table with a peeled cooked shrimp in the middle of a plate and a glass of milk.
The waiter steps away from the table but without losing sight.
The man grabs the shrimp from its tale lifts it up over the glass of milk and after examining it for a few seconds dips it inside. Up and down and up. Brings it to his mouth and eats it with a single bite.
The waiter who witnessed the whole thing goes back to the table with a face full of confusion, "Sir, in my 30 years of experience as a waiter I have never seen anything like that." To what the man answers, "Well, no need to worry about it, you won't see it again... because it was fucking disgusting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ezlet/a_man_walks_into_a_fancy_restaurant/
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Why didn’t the turkey eat dessert?

Because it was already stuffed, guys!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ezkvu/why_didnt_the_turkey_eat_dessert/
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Some people think glasses make you look bad

Mine help me look better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ezk0i/some_people_think_glasses_make_you_look_bad/
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The Polite Way to go for a Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher Miss Pinto trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ezh94/the_polite_way_to_go_for_a_pee/
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Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they are dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ezepx/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
When I was an altar boy, Father Murphy always said that I was his favorite and was so much nicer than the other boys...

I was touched...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ez6ni/when_i_was_an_altar_boy_father_murphy_always_said/
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What's DJ Khaled's favourite number?

11.... because it has another one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ez4uk/whats_dj_khaleds_favourite_number/
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Most of the Alligator shoes sold are of low quality, so I went to the bayou to get my own

28 gators later and none of them are wearing any shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ez0ny/most_of_the_alligator_shoes_sold_are_of_low/
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What's the difference between a feminism and a suicide bomber?

The bomber actually accomplishes something when he's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ez0aa/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminism_and_a/
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A Crocodile Tale

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Australia...the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond...and swim to the shore.
Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with A$3 million...but if killed by the crocs...A$1 million will be given to the next of kin.
For a long period of time...no one dared take up the challenge...then suddenly a man jumped in...and swam frantically for his life towards shore pursued by the crocs...and luckily he made it unscathed.
When he managed to recover his breath...the instant millionaire shouted asking who pushed him into the pond...and his wife responded that it was she who did !!!
And from that day...that was how the phrase..."Behind every successful man...there's a woman"...came about !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eyu3j/a_crocodile_tale/
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iPhone X, Pixel 2 XL, Note 8: a poor man's review

unaffordable, unaffordable, unaffordable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eyjaq/iphone_x_pixel_2_xl_note_8_a_poor_mans_review/
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A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...

They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eyezs/a_94_year_old_man_decided_to_divorce_his_93_old/
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I've been told I'm condescending

(That means I talk down to people)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eya93/ive_been_told_im_condescending/
%
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

One snatches watches.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ey80h/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday.!
Update:  Front page get boobs pictures - Myth BUSTED!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ey3by/ill_like_to_brag_that_after_12_years_of_marriage/
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URGENT: HOW TO SAVE NET NEUTRALITY (PLEASE READ)

Page loading...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ey1b3/urgent_how_to_save_net_neutrality_please_read/
%
What is the most expensive haircut you can get?

Chemotherapy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ey03z/what_is_the_most_expensive_haircut_you_can_get/
%
Black Friday sale on Star Wars Battlefront 2

Save up to $2160 by not buying it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7exy9w/black_friday_sale_on_star_wars_battlefront_2/
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I use to have a white girlfriend, now I got a black girlfriend.

Today I burnt my hand on the stove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7exwu4/i_use_to_have_a_white_girlfriend_now_i_got_a/
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What do shrimp watch when they're horny?

Prawnography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7exum7/what_do_shrimp_watch_when_theyre_horny/
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How do you know your Uber driver has another career?

Oh don’t worry they’ll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7exub5/how_do_you_know_your_uber_driver_has_another/
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An amputee walks up to a stranger...

An amputee missing his left arm and left leg walks up to a stranger and shouts, “I lost my left arm and left leg!!!”.
The stranger looks at him, unsure what to make of this interaction, and says, “All-righty then.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7exou0/an_amputee_walks_up_to_a_stranger/
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What did the lion say when he was stuck in traffic?

Mufasa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7exjx8/what_did_the_lion_say_when_he_was_stuck_in_traffic/
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A person who discriminates race is racist; Sex- sexist, age- ageist, disability- ableist, religion-

Realist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7exido/a_person_who_discriminates_race_is_racist_sex/
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Was out fishing and ran out of worms. Saw a cottonmouth with a frog.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.   Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.   His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.   A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.   There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7exe0y/was_out_fishing_and_ran_out_of_worms_saw_a/
%
A man called up his son and told him that he and his mother were getting a divorce...

"Wait", said the son. "Why?"
"I know I didn't say anything about it but I've been miserable for months now and I can't stand it anymore."
"No! Don't! Why didn't you ever say anything about this?"
"Well, I just didn't want to bother you and your sister. I've already got my bags and I'm going to a hotel. Your mom and I are looking to file our papers next week."
"No, don't do anything. We're going to come over tomorrow and see if we can work this out. Can you wait until tomorrow?"
"Well, ok. Maybe you and Mary should bring your kids too. Your mom might like that."
"Ok, I will. See you tomorrow."
He hung up the phone and said, "Honey, the kids are coming over for Thanksgiving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ex94c/a_man_called_up_his_son_and_told_him_that_he_and/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ex2sz/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
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Swiper is unable to steal from Dora The Explorer today, as he has a cold.

"Sniper nose wiping."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ex1je/swiper_is_unable_to_steal_from_dora_the_explorer/
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Someone knocked at my door last evening..

When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a pepperoni pizza with
extra cheese and onion rings.
"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."
"I know," he replied.
"Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what
he was eating for dinner tonight"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ewxnj/someone_knocked_at_my_door_last_evening/
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What starts with M and ends with arriage?

Miscarriage, this joke never gets old, just like the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ewqqj/what_starts_with_m_and_ends_with_arriage/
%
Why would a grape ever intentionally dry up?

They have their raisins...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ewmlj/why_would_a_grape_ever_intentionally_dry_up/
%
(NSFW) If I had a dollar for every time I've had sex,

I'd have zero fucking dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ewmjf/nsfw_if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_ive_had_sex/
%
A guy knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to donate to the Clock Lovers Association

Signed up immediately, it’s about fucking time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ewlr7/a_guy_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_if_i_wanted_to/
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Why do They bury Lawyers 12' down instead of the standard 6'?

Because deep down, their really nice people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ewjlc/why_do_they_bury_lawyers_12_down_instead_of_the/
%
Yesterday I spent all day making a belt out of watches...

It was a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ewefx/yesterday_i_spent_all_day_making_a_belt_out_of/
%
I was recently asked how I view lesbian relationships.

I said in HD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ewe64/i_was_recently_asked_how_i_view_lesbian/
%
I think my paranoia is getting worse.

But that's just what they want me to think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ew85e/i_think_my_paranoia_is_getting_worse/
%
A woman asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup.

I told her it depends on whether or not she was trying to kill Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ew543/a_woman_asked_me_if_i_thought_she_was_wearing_to/
%
We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius...

But his brother Frank was a monster!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7evx7l/we_all_know_that_albert_einstein_was_a_genius/
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I'm glad I never had an insecurity about the size of my penis.

That one would have been hard to shake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7evupr/im_glad_i_never_had_an_insecurity_about_the_size/
%
4 out of 5 dentists say brushing alone is not enough.

That's why I do it on crowded subway cars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7evt9u/4_out_of_5_dentists_say_brushing_alone_is_not/
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What screams I'm insecure?

http

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7evsc8/what_screams_im_insecure/
%
a duck walks into a bar

he asks "got any peanuts??"
the bartender says
"haha. I've heard this joke, but this isn't a lemonade stand. go away"
"but I want peanuts?" the duck says
"we don't sell any. go away."
so the duck walks away.
the next day, he walks back and asks the bartender:
"got any peanuts?"
the bartender says
"no, and we don't plan on getting any.
buy a drink or go away, but stop asking"
so the duck walks away.
the day after he walks back
"got any peanuts?" the duck asks
the bartender yells
"we don't have any fuckig peanuts, and if you ask again I'll nail your fucking head to the wall"
so the duck walks away.
the next day the duck walks back in and asks
"got any nails?"
the bartender says "no, stupid. this is a bar!"
the duck then says
"good. got any peanuts?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7evqcd/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why can't Ajit Pai be buried at sea?

There are laws against dumping human garbage in an ocean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7evned/why_cant_ajit_pai_be_buried_at_sea/
%
What do Hindus order at Mexican restaurants?

Chimichakras

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7evn1r/what_do_hindus_order_at_mexican_restaurants/
%
What is Princess Leia’s favorite Aerosmith song?

Ewok this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7evllp/what_is_princess_leias_favorite_aerosmith_song/
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One blockchain said to another...

Don't mine me, I'm just forking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7evlk0/one_blockchain_said_to_another/
%
Have you ever had that moment when a cute girl winks at you and then her boyfriend winks at you too?

It's a wink wink situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7evkgf/have_you_ever_had_that_moment_when_a_cute_girl/
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I met this awesome girl

She is the only support in my life, I think I'm in love. I cantilever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7evjdk/i_met_this_awesome_girl/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7evdq8/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Two men are walking down the street

when they find a small box. One of them opens it up to reveal something looking very much like chocolate cream.
He then proceeds to scoop a little bit with his finger and taste it.
- "hey, there's shit in here" claims the man after tasting it.
- "no way! let me check" says his friend, while scooping some with his finger and tasting it for himself.
- "you are right!" says the second guy "and to think we almost step on it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7evc7b/two_men_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
I don't understand all the uproar about Roy Moore lately.

It seems like a minor issue to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eva87/i_dont_understand_all_the_uproar_about_roy_moore/
%
What's the difference between a prostitute, and a porn star?

One actually tries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ev8gf/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get a sense of pride and accomplishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ev848/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
“Do you love me for my beauty or brains?” asks the woman

Without missing a beat he replies: “I love your self confidence dear”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ev59w/do_you_love_me_for_my_beauty_or_brains_asks_the/
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Why don't people play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ev2p4/why_dont_people_play_poker_in_the_jungle/
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Why did C-3P0 get lost?

He went on an R2-Dtour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ev2e1/why_did_c3p0_get_lost/
%
Yoda: “Why afraid of 7 is 8?”

“Because 6, 7 ate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ev0gj/yoda_why_afraid_of_7_is_8/
%
Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year...

Looks like I’m in for a wild December

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7euzii/stats_show_that_the_average_person_has_sex_89/
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A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walk into a bar...

The bartender says "If you're not freaking out about Net Neutrality right now, you're not paying attention."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7euuk2/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_minister_walk_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eut55/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
%
My grandfather had a buddy named Will who was shot during WWII...

His commanding officer said "Fire at Will!" So everyone shot at Will and killed him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eushh/my_grandfather_had_a_buddy_named_will_who_was/
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Where Did Sally Go During the Bombing?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7euqwg/where_did_sally_go_during_the_bombing/
%
I just got fired from my job at the sperm bank...

I was caught drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7euo7b/i_just_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_sperm_bank/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a martini. When its served a monkey runs up to the drink

and lowers his balls into the martini. Shocked, the man yells at the bartender, "Did you see that? What are you gonna do about that?" The bartender says, "I can't do anything, the monkey belongs to the pianist." The man storms over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey dipped his balls in my martini?"
The pianist thinks for a second then says, "No, but if you hum a few bars I'm sure I can pick it up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eukm0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_martini_when/
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If I had a penny for every time someone said they think I have OCD

I'd have 1,657 pennies .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7euhu1/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_time_someone_said_they/
%
A farmer drives to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocks on the door

A boy, about 9, opens the door.
"Is your Dad or Mom home?" asks the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stands there for a few minutes, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.
The young boy finally says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. If that’s not why you’re here, I can give Mom or Dad a message."
"Well." The farmer looks extremely uncomfortable. "I need to talk to your Dad about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Suzy, pregnant.".
The boy tilts his head to the side and thinks about that for a moment. "You WILL have to talk to my Dad about that.” He decides. “I know he charges $50 for our bulls to service other folks' cows and he charges $15 for our boars to service other folks' sows. I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eudp7/a_farmer_drives_to_a_neighbors_farmhouse_and/
%
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eud0s/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_ran_into_a_wall/
%
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just

can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7euc3e/dont_you_hate_it_when_you_come_to_somebodys_place/
%
I was at a boxing match the other day and one of the boxers only had one hand...

But he sure did have a solid left hook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7euaab/i_was_at_a_boxing_match_the_other_day_and_one_of/
%
There was a man who worked for the Post Office

whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read
Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope… Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eua9d/there_was_a_man_who_worked_for_the_post_office/
%
The EU was invited to a thanksgiving dinner

but they refused to have turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eu90e/the_eu_was_invited_to_a_thanksgiving_dinner/
%
Four nuns walk into a church to confess their sins to a priest

They all line up single file. The first nun says, "Father I've sinned. I gave someone a foot job."
The priest responds, "It's okay. Just go in the back and rinse your feet with holy water."
The second nun was up, "Father I've sinned as well, I gave someone a hand job."
To which the priest responded quite similarly, "It's okay, really. Just go to the back and rinse your hands with holy water and you will be forgiven."
The third nun was about to confess when all of a sudden the fourth nun cuts her in line. The priest is confused, "Hey wait your turn. Why are you cutting the line? Have you no patience?"
To which the fourth nun responded, "Sorry father but I'm not rinsing my mouth out with holy water after she's done dipping her ass in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eu8b1/four_nuns_walk_into_a_church_to_confess_their/
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What does Roy Moore and an e-book have in common?

They're both pdf files.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eu86e/what_does_roy_moore_and_an_ebook_have_in_common/
%
Why did Yoda turn Santa's sleigh around?

Because he always reverses clauses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eu6qq/why_did_yoda_turn_santas_sleigh_around/
%
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was, like, 0mg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eu3ve/i_had_a_crazy_dream_that_i_weighed_less_than_a/
%
What did the two dried fish say to each other?

"Hey! Long time, no sea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eu149/what_did_the_two_dried_fish_say_to_each_other/
%
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno, dos..." *poof*. He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7etu3e/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
%
Why did the mermaid start wearing seashells?

She grew out of B shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7etoui/why_did_the_mermaid_start_wearing_seashells/
%
3 men decide to throw some things out of an airplane. (My favorite joke as a kid)

There are 3 men in an airplane and they thought it would be funny to drop some things out of the plane. So the first guy thinks it’s funny to drop a brick out of the plane. The second guy tried to one up him and he decided to drop a bowling ball out of the plane. The last guy thought they weren’t going hard enough so he threw a bomb out of the plane.
So after the plane lands all 3 men leave and start walk home. On the way home the first man sees a little girl crying and the man asks, “little girl little girl why are you crying?” She answers, “I was walking home and a brick fell out of the sky and hit me in the head!”
The second guy while walking home saw a little boy crying and he asks the little boy, “little boy little boy why are you crying?” And the boy responds, “I was walking my dog and bowling ball fell out of the sky and hit me in the head!”
The third guy started walking home and he saw another little boy on the side of the road just completely dying of laughter. And he was very curious about what was so funny so he asks the little boy, little boy little boy what could be so funny? And the boy between laughing manages to answer “My dad farted and my house blew up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ethnc/3_men_decide_to_throw_some_things_out_of_an/
%
What is the most Un-American kind of pie?

Ajit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7etf3f/what_is_the_most_unamerican_kind_of_pie/
%
What do you call a Yeti with a six-pack?

The Abdominal Snowman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7etbw3/what_do_you_call_a_yeti_with_a_sixpack/
%
A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:
-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!
His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.
Then, his dad said:
-Now give me one and the other to your brother!
Son asks:
-What about mine?
Father answers:
-You can have the other nine left over, stubborn kid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7etbsc/a_son_was_arguing_with_his_dad_insisting_that_11/
%
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7et50j/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_3_legs/
%
Why will Donald Trump pardon his first turkey this year?

Because the bird is accused of fowl play

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7et1g9/why_will_donald_trump_pardon_his_first_turkey/
%
Which stores sell dead batteries?

None, they give them away free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7et0ek/which_stores_sell_dead_batteries/
%
Its getting a lot easier to un-lock phones these days

Now that they've added facial recognition you don't need to lift a finger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7et0an/its_getting_a_lot_easier_to_unlock_phones_these/
%
Post Net-Neutrality

Google User: I want the search results!
ISP: You can't afford the search results!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7esyz5/post_netneutrality/
%
If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality...

I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7esyjx/if_i_had_a_for_every_post_ive_seen_today_about/
%
What do you call a dolphin that doesn't know what to do with its life?

A porpoise without a purpose.
This is my own material, be kind :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eswpx/what_do_you_call_a_dolphin_that_doesnt_know_what/
%
An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.

The doctor says, ‘We have three possible donors.
One is a young, healthy athlete.
The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.’
‘I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,’ says the patient.
‘Why?’ asks the doctor.
The patient replies, ‘It’s never been used.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eso35/an_elderly_patient_needs_a_heart_transplant_and/
%
What do you do if an elephant comes into your house?

Swim for your life!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7esmt8/what_do_you_do_if_an_elephant_comes_into_your/
%
A Christian man was getting chased by a bear in the woods

The man realized the bear was catching up, so the man got down on his knees and yelled "DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BEAR BECOME A CHRISTIAN SO THAT HE DOESN'T EAT ME" then the bear got down on his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7esltd/a_christian_man_was_getting_chased_by_a_bear_in/
%
Past, present, and future walk into a bar...

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7esls6/past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident,

A Wellfleet man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.
"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife,".
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.
One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some
really great news"!
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The officer  said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good
news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobster that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eshd5/a_few_days_after_his_wife_disappeared_in_a/
%
Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.

The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord!
The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery!
Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7esel6/harry_prays_to_god_dear_lord_please_make_me_win/
%
A teenager lost a contact lens while playing in the driveway...

After a fruitless search, he went inside the house and told his mother he lost a lens and, try as he might, could not find it.
Undaunted, the mother went outside and in only a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing" she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7escys/a_teenager_lost_a_contact_lens_while_playing_in/
%
The FCC is for the people

That's the entire joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7escmc/the_fcc_is_for_the_people/
%
What do you call a gay water plant?

AlgaeBT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7es50b/what_do_you_call_a_gay_water_plant/
%
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7es4b9/how_many_dead_babies_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Can you imagine the titanic with a lisp?

Neither can I... it's unthinkable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7es21p/can_you_imagine_the_titanic_with_a_lisp/
%
I don't know why people get so excited about skiing vacations

Right from the start they go downhill very fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7es1ad/i_dont_know_why_people_get_so_excited_about/
%
I quit my job at the keyboard factory.

I didn't have enough control and wanted to look for an alt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7es0u8/i_quit_my_job_at_the_keyboard_factory/
%
Old lady on the bus

There was an old lady who would ride on the bus every day. Every time she would get off the bus she would hand the bus driver a handful of almonds. The bus driver appreciated the old lady's good deeds however one day he asked her why she gave him a handful of almonds every time she got off the bus. She stated that she had no teeth therefore she could not eat them. Confused, the bus driver asks her why she had the almonds in the first place. Her response was "i like the chocolate around them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7erxb7/old_lady_on_the_bus/
%
The President of the U.S Canada, and the Soviet Union are all on a plane...

The President of the U.S Canada, and the Soviet Union are all on a plane, that is flying towards a conference. The American drops a penny out of the plane. "Why'd you do that?" Asked the President of Canada. "I did it for good luck" said the president of the United States. The Prime Minister of Canada then dropped a loonie from the airplane. "Why did you do that?" asked the president of the Soviet Union. "I did it for good luck" replied the Prime Minister of Canada. Lastly, the president of the Soviet Union dropped a bomb out of the plane. "Why did you do that?" Asked the president of America. "I did it for good luck" replied the president of the Soviet Union. They then landed at the conference and they all got into a car. They then saw a little girl crying. "Why are you crying?" they asked. "A penny fell from the sky and hit my eye!" She cried. They said sorry, and then the three leaders drove on. They then drove for another 5 minutes, and they saw another girl crying. "Why are you crying?" They asked. "A loonie fell from the sky and hit me in the eye!" She screamed. The three of them said they were sorry and they drove on. Five minutes later, they came across a boy, and he was laughing his head off. "Why are you laughing?" They asked. "I farted and my house blew up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7erwy2/the_president_of_the_us_canada_and_the_soviet/
%
A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech

The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader. But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze. Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speech. "Which one of you sneezed?" said Stalin, obviously perturbed. But everyone is the audience was too paralyzed with fear to say anything. So Stalin said, "Very well. First row stand up!", and on that command the whole first row stood at attention. Then Stalin ordered "Guards! Open fire!" And with that, the guards shot everyone in the entire first row. "Now," said Stalin once again, "who sneezed?" Again, everyone was too afraid to say anything. Again he ordered, "Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!" And now the second row was shot, falling into a great bloody heap. "Now, who sneezed? Third row...." "Wait! Wait!" , cried a man in the back of the hall. The man hurried forward. "Comrade Stalin! It was I! I'm the one who sneezed!" Stalin glared at the man, "It was you who sneezed?" The man looked down ashamedly, "Yes, Comrade Stalin." Stalin gave the man a nod and a little smile, "Bless you, Comrade!"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7erwgl/a_man_sneezed_during_joseph_stalins_speech/
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What do you get when you cross a waste of a human and human waste?

Ashit Pai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ertpz/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_waste_of_a_human/
%
A joke from my scout troop a while back.

Jim had always wanted to run a train. It was his dream since he was a child. His mind was set and no other career moved him the way a train had. He did well in school, and when he was accepted to the local Railway school, he was stoked.
4 years later, he had his first job of running the train, and he could not contain his excitement. He went all along the tracks, left and right, forward and back, until he hit something on the rail and the train flew off the tracks, causing a disaster.
Jim was sentenced to death, executed by an electric chair. When asked for a last meal, Jim simply replied: "I will have one banana." After finishing his banana, he was sent to the chair. However, it didn't work. The electric chair had no effect.
Jim was set free by the police force, and got a job at another train station. He sped along the tracks, he simply could not contain his excitement! However, he was careless and crashed into another train.
Jim, imprisoned again, was sentenced to death, by the electric chair. "What would you like for your final meal?" the chief of police asked. Jim simply replied "I would like two bananas." He finished his bananas and was again strapped to the electric chair, only to have it fail again. Jim was set free again.
Another train station had a job opening and Jim applied again. He went all over the tracks, left and right, until he ran over a man.
Sent to death again, Jim had one request for his final meal. "I will have three bananas." After consuming his bananas, he was sent to the electric chair. He survived the biggest shock of his life.
"I don't get it," the chief of police said. "This electric chair is our best piece of machinery, yet you've survived three times. How do you do it? Is it the bananas you keep eating?"
"Oh, it's nothing," said Jim.
"I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ertg0/a_joke_from_my_scout_troop_a_while_back/
%
Did you hear about the rooster in the bathroom?

He was going cock a doodle DOO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ersih/did_you_hear_about_the_rooster_in_the_bathroom/
%
Ajit Pai

‘s career

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7erqp3/ajit_pai/
%
A Carrot is hosting a party

A carrot is hosting a party.
The first to arrive is Carrot's friend Apple, but accompanying him is somebody Carrot does not know. They look just like Apple, but green instead, and so, carrots says, "Hello Apple, who might your friend be?".
The new fellow replies, "Hello, I am also Apple, nice to meet you."
And so, after introductions, the pair entered into the house.
Next to arrive was Carrot's neighbor, onion, but walking next to him was someone Carrot does not know. They look identical to Onion, but have a deep purple-red hue. When they get to the door, Carrot greets them and says, "Good evening Onion, could you introduce me to your friend here?".
The red vegetable replies, "I'll introduce myself. Nice to meet you, Carrot. People refer to me as Onion."
And so, the two Oinons entered the house.
A third pair arrives, and this time it's Carrot's good friend Potato. Next to Potato is another stranger with the same appearence, but this time red in color. As they approach, Carrot says, "It's nice to see you, Potato.", and recalling what had just happened twice, says, "Ah, and you must also be called Potato, correct?".
The stranger looks at Carrot and replies, "I Yam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7erqf0/a_carrot_is_hosting_a_party/
%
A German Baby

A couple adopts a German baby, but he seems to have an issue. No matter how much love and attention they give him, he doesn't speak. He is brought to an analyst for examination, but the analyst can't find anything wrong. The baby simply doesn't speak.
Five years go by and the couple has learned to live with a mute child. One day, they prepare him his favorite meal with some Apple Strudel for dessert. He gets through the whole thing, but stops at dessert and sets down his fork.
"This Apple Strudel is a bit tepid."
His parents are amazed that he was finally able to speak and his first words were even in a complete sentence. They ask him, "That was amazing, but you could have spoken much sooner. What took you so long to finally speak?"
He replied, "Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7erphk/a_german_baby/
%
54 years ago, JFK became the us president with the least brain ever

...but unfortunately his record has been beaten at the beginning of the year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7erox0/54_years_ago_jfk_became_the_us_president_with_the/
%
The FCC is trying to take away Net Neutrality.

This isn’t a joke it’s real my dudes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eronq/the_fcc_is_trying_to_take_away_net_neutrality/
%
A man walks into a bar...

*[This joke is not a part of your premier package. To see this joke you must upgrade to our Platinum Plus Elite Tier.]*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ermwg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why does the north Korean military always march to the left?

Because they have no rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7erlz2/why_does_the_north_korean_military_always_march/
%
Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!
Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7erl94/since_its_so_close_to_thanksgiving_remember_this/
%
A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle...

Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7erhjw/a_maniac_is_on_the_loose_after_stabbing_6_people/
%
Have you heard the one about Net Neutrality?

THIS POST HAS BEEN BLOCKED BY YOUR INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER. PAY $10 TO SEE THIS GREAT JOKE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7erhcm/have_you_heard_the_one_about_net_neutrality/
%
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him...

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7erfw7/i_cant_take_my_dog_to_the_pond_anymore_because/
%
If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants,

I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7erf5w/if_i_ever_find_the_guy_who_messed_up_my_limb/
%
If the letter x is silent

It’s just because it’s a little cross

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7erczp/if_the_letter_x_is_silent/
%
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7er6ja/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Sex with the DA's wife

Jack gets caught having sex with the DA's wife. The next morning the police is at his door, telling him that he's arrested. Jack is furious. "What? Am I getting arrested just because I slept with the DA's wife? That's not illegal." The police officer shakes his head. "No, we are arresting you because you slept with a 14 year old girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7er6h2/sex_with_the_das_wife/
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Don't worry, anyone who doesn't take action in protecting net neutrality will get FREE sex when this blows over!

Specifically, you'll get fucked by Comcast and Verizon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7er574/dont_worry_anyone_who_doesnt_take_action_in/
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Son got fired from his job as a butcher's apprentice.

Got a text from my son earlier today saying
"Dad, I've got to be honest with you on this. I've been fired from my job"
D - "For fuck sake son! How have you managed that?"
S -"I got caught sticking my penis in the butchers bacon slicer"
D - "Well what's happened to the slicer?"
S - "He's sacked her too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7er3l5/son_got_fired_from_his_job_as_a_butchers/
%
What did Hitler get on his 6th birthday?

G.I. Jew and an Easy Bake oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7er2a4/what_did_hitler_get_on_his_6th_birthday/
%
If I ever end up on life support unplug me...

then plug me back in again, see if that works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7er0lf/if_i_ever_end_up_on_life_support_unplug_me/
%
What do you get when you mix in a piece of shit to your favorite pie?

Ajit Pai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eqter/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_in_a_piece_of_shit/
%
I told my boss I had anal glaucoma.

He asked what that is and I responded, “I can’t see my ass coming into work today.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eqt4s/i_told_my_boss_i_had_anal_glaucoma/
%
I am worried about my neighbour as he gets too many concussions and we are very close...

in fact just a stones throw away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eqt1e/i_am_worried_about_my_neighbour_as_he_gets_too/
%
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eqnrs/a_little_girl_and_boy_are_fighting_about_the/
%
So, a lawyer goes to heaven...

Just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eqn33/so_a_lawyer_goes_to_heaven/
%
In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.

Thoughts and prayers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eql28/in_light_of_the_net_neutrality_debate_i_want_to/
%
Last time reddit was so United

Doctors were getting dragged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eqkre/last_time_reddit_was_so_united/
%
What is the difference between a prostitute and EA?

Both have expensive loot boxes we have to pay for however it's prostitutes who end up with a bad taste in their mouths not their clients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eqk25/what_is_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_ea/
%
What if net neutrality didn’t work.

Facebook could be the thrift shop for reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eqjss/what_if_net_neutrality_didnt_work/
%
if you commit a crime 90 times,

you'll only get caught 45 times
.
.
.
.
because sin90=cot45

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eqjfu/if_you_commit_a_crime_90_times/
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The "circle of life" applies to life in general,

your own life is more of a straight line that ends abruptly.
(Credit James Acaster)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eqgjm/the_circle_of_life_applies_to_life_in_general/
%
What did the stupid penny say to the other stupid penny?

Let’s get together and make some cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eqdyn/what_did_the_stupid_penny_say_to_the_other_stupid/
%
How do you get Americans to join a world war?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eqd4a/how_do_you_get_americans_to_join_a_world_war/
%
Sex with the priest's wife

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees.
After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.
Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eqa75/sex_with_the_priests_wife/
%
I gave a detailed explanation to my girlfriend why I wanted to cum on her face...

But it went over her head...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eq91m/i_gave_a_detailed_explanation_to_my_girlfriend/
%
What's the difference between your wife and a bath towel ?

The bath towel gets wet everyday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eq7fp/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_a_bath/
%
I went to go apply for a job at Hooters today

They just handed me a bra and said  “Here fill this out”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eq77n/i_went_to_go_apply_for_a_job_at_hooters_today/
%
I got fired from the keyboard factory earlier today

I wasn't putting in enough shifts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eq5hn/i_got_fired_from_the_keyboard_factory_earlier/
%
What's the surest way to ruin a friendship?

Homicide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eq29m/whats_the_surest_way_to_ruin_a_friendship/
%
I’m a lot like Rapunzel...

except instead of letting down my hair, I let down everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eq0cg/im_a_lot_like_rapunzel/
%
What's the difference between Ajit Pai and a Rapist?

Nothing. They both fuck you harder the more you say No!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7epu4x/whats_the_difference_between_ajit_pai_and_a_rapist/
%
My good deed for the day

In the line at Walmart  there was a little old lady in front of me, $73 of shopping but her card was declined!
I was feeling generous especially at this time of year and you’ve got to help out so I helped her put it all back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7epmov/my_good_deed_for_the_day/
%
So i heard about what net neutrality is..

But i'm not going to buy that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7epkzm/so_i_heard_about_what_net_neutrality_is/
%
Yesterday I sold my vacuum in a garage sale

all it was doing was collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ephl4/yesterday_i_sold_my_vacuum_in_a_garage_sale/
%
What's Kevin Spacey's favourite musical note?

A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7epgip/whats_kevin_spaceys_favourite_musical_note/
%
I told my mom a joke today

She did not laugh. Instead she said, "Why do you tell stupid jokes when all you have to tell people to make them laugh is that you have a future?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7epei5/i_told_my_mom_a_joke_today/
%
What do you get when you combine an equally strong acid and base?

Net neutrality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7epd0z/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_an_equally/
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A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots of whiskey.

'Something to celebrate?' The bartender asks. 'Well,' the man answers, 'I just had my first blowjob today.' 'Congratulations! Here, the tenth shot is on me.' 'No that's okay. If nine won't get that fucking taste out of my mouth I don't know what will.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7epb0z/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_nine_shots_of/
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What’s the difference between a pimple and a priest?

A pimple waits until you’re 12 to cum on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ep42v/whats_the_difference_between_a_pimple_and_a_priest/
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Did you know Tinder has different difficulties?

Here's how to unlock Tinder's different difficulties.
Easy mode: be a white girl
Intermediate mode: be a white guy
Hard mode: be anything else
God mode: be an Asian male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ep1zc/did_you_know_tinder_has_different_difficulties/
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A kid is at school when his teacher sees a tail coming out of his school bag.

"What's that?" , asked the teacher , "You're not allowed to bring your pet in school."
"But, ma'am" , sobs little kid, "I heard the postman speaking to my mum this morning and he said when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your fucking pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eowid/a_kid_is_at_school_when_his_teacher_sees_a_tail/
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This man is kind of bored so he goes to this exotic brothel he heard about...

When he gets there, the hostess talks to him about what he likes for a few minutes, and then, sensing he is open-minded, says, "we have something special today... it's not for everyone, but I think you might like it."
"What is it?" he asks, intrigued.
"It's a chicken that gives blowjobs," she says.
Okay, that sounds a bit weird, he thinks, but what the hell, "I'll do it," he says.
The hostess puts him in a room with a stunning marble floor, mirrors everywhere (on the ceiling too, of course), an enormous v red velvety bed and a plush purple armchair. She soon ushers in a sexy looking chicken dressed in black and pink lace lingerie. He takes out his cock (no pun intended), and attempts to put it in the chicken's mouth. The chicken does not appear interested at all, and just walks around the floor, randomly pecking at small bits of fluff. He tries talking dirty to it and stroking it (the first "it" is the chicken, the second is his penis), and even does a sexy dance, but nothing works. Disappointed, he knocks on the door and tells the hostess that the chicken isn't doing the job. The hostess apologizes, says the chicken must be having an off day, and tells him they won't charge him, and his next visit will be on the house.
At first, he is disappointed, but as the week passes, he thinks it wasn't so bad, and was kind of fun, and anyway the next visit is on the house, so he goes back, and says to the hostess, "so what have you got for me today?" She says that they are having a special treat - two men and two women will be having sex in an inflatable pool full of chocolate pudding, while their extended families will stand around them and masturbate. "You are more than welcome to join the masturbators," she said.
Sure, why not, he thinks. She leads him into a large auditorium. The party has already begun. A large group of men and women are standing or sitting, masturbating, and in the middle, separated from them by a thin glass wall, is an inflatable pool filled with chocolate pudding, and in it a smorgasbord of 8 hands, 8 legs, 4 mouths, 2 penises and 2 vaginas writhing in ecstasy.
As he whips out his cock and begins masturbating, he catches the eye of a man standing next to him and says "holy shit, this is fucking amazing."
"It's okay I guess," says the man. "But I hope they bring back the guy with the chicken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eondy/this_man_is_kind_of_bored_so_he_goes_to_this/
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Fred Johnson calls his boss one Friday morning. "I'm sick. I can't come into work..."

His boss gives him the day off, wishing him well. But after he hangs up the phone, he thinks, "Boy, he sounded rough. I better stop by and check on him. Johnson never misses work."
So he drives to the guy's house. He knocks but nobody answers. He gets worried that the guy might need medical attention, so he lets himself in. He hears moaning from upstairs, so he hurries up the steps and throws the bedroom door open. There he sees Johnson fucking the hell out of a woman on the bed.
"Johnson! I thought you said you were sick!" the boss roars, furious.
"I am sick!" says Johnson. "This is my mom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eodpa/fred_johnson_calls_his_boss_one_friday_morning_im/
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A man and his wife are doing 69.

In the middle of it, he remembers that he has a dentist appointment. He tells his wife that he has to go, and immediately starts brushing, flossing, and using listerine. At the dentist's office, the man sits in the chair as the dentist begins his work. A few minutes in, the dentist sniffs the air and asks the man if he has recently had 69. The man smiles and asks how he knew, explaining that he had brushed his teeth multiple times. The dentist replies, " It isn't your breath, in fact, that smells wonderful. But your forehead smells like shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eoch4/a_man_and_his_wife_are_doing_69/
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GIVE IT TO ME NOW! I'M SO FUCKING WET!

I don't give a fuck how much she screams. I won't pass her the umbrella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eo8yo/give_it_to_me_now_im_so_fucking_wet/
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I guess I need a nerf...

... every time I post people refer to me as OP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eo1wp/i_guess_i_need_a_nerf/
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Zoology: On the feeding behaviour of birds.

I read an article a few years ago about the Massachusetts highway department getting an increased number of complaints about dead crows by the highways.
The state consulted behavioural experts, and performed autopsies of some of the dead birds and determined that they were scavenging by the roadside, and being struck by vehicles.
Normally, crows in groups will take turns eating, with one or two performing as lookouts to give warning if something approaches, and they're smart enough to know that getting hit by a car is bad news.
In these cases, they lookouts were in place, but after observation the final lesson learned was that while the lookout crows could yell "Cah Cah", they couldn't yell "Truck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eo1dd/zoology_on_the_feeding_behaviour_of_birds/
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If Germany is the Fatherland, and Russia is the Motherland...

Then they've had a hell of a custody battle over Poland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7enx6n/if_germany_is_the_fatherland_and_russia_is_the/
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What do you get when you cross a rooster and a turkey?

A cockgobbler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7env07/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_rooster_and_a/
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It makes more sense now why Kevin Spacey helped Baby in Baby Driver

He saw a little bit of himself in Baby, figuratively and literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7entnv/it_makes_more_sense_now_why_kevin_spacey_helped/
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Yo mama's so fat

She gave her memory foam mattress brain damage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7enle8/yo_mamas_so_fat/
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Man suspects his wife is having an affair

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife naked in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, ‘Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money,
o        HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
o        HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
o        HE paid for your season football tickets.
o        HE paid for our house at by lake.
o        HE paid for your African Safari holiday
o        HE paid for our country club membership, and
o        HE even pays the monthly bills!’
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do?’
The cabby replies, ‘I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold!!!!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7enk83/man_suspects_his_wife_is_having_an_affair/
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I always wondered what would happen if I ran from the cops

I was stunned when I tried it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7enjil/i_always_wondered_what_would_happen_if_i_ran_from/
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I usually say 'Autumn' instead of 'Fall'.

Sometimes it can be my downautumn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7engwi/i_usually_say_autumn_instead_of_fall/
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I posted ten different puns on r/Jokes with the hope that at least one of them would be funny..

No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7engm5/i_posted_ten_different_puns_on_rjokes_with_the/
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Squirrels in the attic

As told to me by a patient today:
A small church out in the country developed a problem when squirrels moved into the attic.  They were chewing holes in the insulation and building nests, rotting the soffits and making a lot of noise and generally being a nuisance.  The people didn't quite know what to do as no one was really in favor of killing the small creatures.  One afternoon while the congregation was having supper on the ground outside the church, a deacon said to the pastor that he had an idea.
"Let's take 'em all down to the river and baptize them. That way we'll only see them twice a year at Christmas and Easter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7en7la/squirrels_in_the_attic/
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Someone was killed with a starter pistol today.

Police think it was race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7en4eh/someone_was_killed_with_a_starter_pistol_today/
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I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked olay for a 57 year old.

We drank a bit and talked a while and she asked if I had ever had a Sportman's Double
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says tonight's my lucky night.
We went back to her place.
She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7en40g/i_ended_up_with_an_older_woman_at_the_club_last/
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How did the Hill Billie find his sister in the woods?

Pretty good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7en2ik/how_did_the_hill_billie_find_his_sister_in_the/
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The best days of my life.....

An Inspirational speaker said:
"The best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife".
Audience were in shock and silence.
He added: "and she is my mother".
A big round of applause and laughter followed.
One Man who listened to the speech decided to crack this at home.
At dinner, he said to his wife: the best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife....
After a moment he tried to recall the second line......
By the time he regained his senses, he was on hospital bed, recovering from burns of hot soup poured by his wife.
MORAL LESSON: Don't copy if you cannot paste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7en1ek/the_best_days_of_my_life/
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Vodka shots are like children.

If you have more than a couple there's a chance you'll be crying by the end of the night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7en16i/vodka_shots_are_like_children/
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Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because the other bird was chicken.
This is original, my dad made it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7en0l2/why_did_the_turkey_cross_the_road/
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What's the difference between algebra and women?

I never use algebra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7en0k1/whats_the_difference_between_algebra_and_women/
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What'd the difference between Net Neutrality and Ajit Pai?

Net Neutrality would be missed if it died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7emxyn/whatd_the_difference_between_net_neutrality_and/
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Why does Buddha pull the coins out of his ass?

Because the change comes from within.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7emovy/why_does_buddha_pull_the_coins_out_of_his_ass/
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What do you call 2 octopi that are the exact same?

Itentacle twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7emgwc/what_do_you_call_2_octopi_that_are_the_exact_same/
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Enjoying music is like eating candy.

The first thing you do is throw away the rapper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7emgb1/enjoying_music_is_like_eating_candy/
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What do you call a gigantic pile of kittens?

A meown-tain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7emfku/what_do_you_call_a_gigantic_pile_of_kittens/
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America is a free country.

Free to Play, but Pay to Win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7emf85/america_is_a_free_country/
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What do anal sex and broccoli have in common?

If you’re forced to have either as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult.
One of my favorite jokes ever I learned off of Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7emels/what_do_anal_sex_and_broccoli_have_in_common/
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Because of condoms, sex is the most expensive hobby ever

at like $1 for 10 seconds top

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7embzv/because_of_condoms_sex_is_the_most_expensive/
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All my friends and family thought I'll be a broke socialist out of college

**BUT I BECAME A BOLD CAPITALIST**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7emajz/all_my_friends_and_family_thought_ill_be_a_broke/
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I met a guy with a girlfriend in the arctic and a boyfriend in Antarctica...

Bipolar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7em89z/i_met_a_guy_with_a_girlfriend_in_the_arctic_and_a/
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Marriage

Before Marriage:
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7em7v1/marriage/
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What's it called when a visiting teacher farts?

A substitoot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7em68q/whats_it_called_when_a_visiting_teacher_farts/
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Everyone knows Charles Dickens as a famous author of great classics. Lesser known is his short-lived Apple Cider business. He had to close it after complaints of unexpected pregnancies.

It may seem strange, but what do you expect when you have Dickens Cider?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7em05k/everyone_knows_charles_dickens_as_a_famous_author/
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"This is not fair!"

Said the Russian man who got wrong directions to the fair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7elzrr/this_is_not_fair/
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my girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh...

when I put my ear to it I can smell the ocean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7elymz/my_girlfriend_has_a_tattoo_of_a_seashell_on_her/
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TIL "Sugar" is the only "su"-word in the english language that makes the "sh"-sound!

(I haven't actually fact-checked this one, but I'm pretty sure it's correct)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7elrh0/til_sugar_is_the_only_suword_in_the_english/
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What's the deal with Net Neutrality?

(This post has been blocked by your service provider)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7elr8f/whats_the_deal_with_net_neutrality/
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Chicken pot pie

My 3 favorite things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7elqfs/chicken_pot_pie/
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How is screwing a hooker a lot like bungee jumping?

In both cases, if the rubber breaks... you're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ells9/how_is_screwing_a_hooker_a_lot_like_bungee_jumping/
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Did you hear about the houses that fell in love?

It was a lawn-distance relationship!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eljvd/did_you_hear_about_the_houses_that_fell_in_love/
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For milder grievances with co-workers, try this:

When your colleague leaves their computer unattended, jump on & create a new desktop folder. Call it say **"MyBestialityPorno"**. Take a screenshot of the desktop. Delete the folder. Set screenshot as the computer *wallpaper*.
When your vic gets back & notices, they'll try furiously to delete the 'folder'. But as it's embedded in background they'll spent a while sweating bricks. Make sure to come up behind them quietly & exclaim loudly "Sweet Jesus man, what in holy fuck is that on your computer?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7elfbz/for_milder_grievances_with_coworkers_try_this/
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What did the Cookie Monster say after eating all the anesthia at the dentist's office?

"NUMB NUM NUMB NUM NUMB NUM"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eld4t/what_did_the_cookie_monster_say_after_eating_all/
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My wife has had her credit card stolen.

Should I report it or just hope the thief spends less?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7elavv/my_wife_has_had_her_credit_card_stolen/
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I wanted to buy my girlfriend a ring so I asked her if she would want me to buy her one. She said nothing would make me happier .

So I got her nothing instead .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7el7ft/i_wanted_to_buy_my_girlfriend_a_ring_so_i_asked/
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Japanese golfer

An American goes to Japan to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a hooker in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.
In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.
The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!
Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7el479/japanese_golfer/
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Apparently There Was A Pizza Order On 9/11

..turns out it was just 2 large plains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7el39d/apparently_there_was_a_pizza_order_on_911/
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What happens to a sick horse?

It goes to the horsepital. Nah just kidding it gets shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7el2kg/what_happens_to_a_sick_horse/
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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ekzym/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
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How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question, all they'll do is sit around and complain about how black the room is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ekznc/how_many_trump_supporters_does_it_take_to_change/
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How many fat activists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb is beautiful the way it is. Society needs to change and learn to accept and stop shaming lightbulbs that don’t conform to its standards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ekx6a/how_many_fat_activists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ekt23/calm_down_about_the_net_neutrality_thing/
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A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a hill...

BA-DUMM-TSS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ekjkw/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_down_a_hill/
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Did you hear the joke about Net Neutrality?

Sorry, your current internet package does not support punchlines. Please upgrade to the higher end package.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ekci1/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_net_neutrality/
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I just found out how cheese is made.

I was like: "No whey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ek74s/i_just_found_out_how_cheese_is_made/
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There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ek49a/there_was_this_man_who_walked_into_a_bar_and_says/
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Why do Communists only write in lowercase?

Because they believe capitalism is bad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ejygl/why_do_communists_only_write_in_lowercase/
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Living well

Once upon a time there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying, and asked “What’s wrong?”
She stopped her sobbing and asked the well “You can talk?”
“Yes,” said the well. “Long ago, the witch who lives in this town gave me life so I could serve as a guardian to the townspeople.”
“Alas,” said the young woman. “I am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the townsfolk for many years. But the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the people up against her, and they burned her at the stake. I am young and still do not know very much magic. I tried to curse them, but my curses fizzled. Now I worry I will never avenge my mother’s death.”
“Do not be afraid,” said the well. “I will take care of this.”
The next morning, when the Mayor came to fetch water from the well, he heard an odd noise coming from the bottom. He peered over as far as he could to see what was happening. Then an impossibly long arm shot up from the bottom of the well, grabbed the mayor, and pulled him into the well shaft. There was a horrible crunching sound, and nobody ever saw the Mayor again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter, and they all lived happily ever after.
Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ejv11/living_well/
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Paddy goes to the pub....

and spends all day and most of the night there, celebrating St Patrick's Day. Eventually Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
'Damn, 'Damn !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub again.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ejl6l/paddy_goes_to_the_pub/
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I donated $100 to a charity for blind children

Not like the kids will ever see any of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ejeha/i_donated_100_to_a_charity_for_blind_children/
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Monica Lewinsky takes a dress to her dry cleaner.

"Do you think you'll be able to get the stain out?" she asks.
"Come again?" the man at the counter responds.
"No, mustard," Monica replies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ejbyj/monica_lewinsky_takes_a_dress_to_her_dry_cleaner/
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Camouflage training at the military

Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!
Johnson: Thank you sir!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ejbmh/camouflage_training_at_the_military/
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If you're ever chased by a pack of taxidermists

DO NOT play dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ej29y/if_youre_ever_chased_by_a_pack_of_taxidermists/
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A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ej1v9/a_guy_sits_down_in_a_diner_and_asks_for_a_bowl_of/
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To whoever stole my camouflage jacket and my crutches.....

.... you can hide but you can't run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eiy38/to_whoever_stole_my_camouflage_jacket_and_my/
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Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eivn7/post_malone_may_be_a_popular_rapper_but_have_you/
%
My neighbor knocked on my door today at 2:00 AM in the morning

I thought it was quite rude to knock on someone's door that early, but luckily for him I was still awake playing the drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eivcn/my_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_today_at_200_am_in/
%
The Amish Hand Warmer

An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eiuow/the_amish_hand_warmer/
%
Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?

'Cause they hate the French press

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eitvu/why_do_jihadist_muslims_only_drink_instant_coffee/
%
I hate when someone explains egg puns to me.

It ruins the yolk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eit0w/i_hate_when_someone_explains_egg_puns_to_me/
%
Everytime I eat fast food I can talk to dead people...

Maybe I should quit ordering the medium fries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eirka/everytime_i_eat_fast_food_i_can_talk_to_dead/
%
Do you all want to hear a joke about parking tickets?

No?
Fine...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eiq68/do_you_all_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_parking/
%
If your urine looks like beer, you are likely dehydrated.

But if it looks like bud light, you're good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7einst/if_your_urine_looks_like_beer_you_are_likely/
%
Girl Trouble

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eilj7/girl_trouble/
%
Why does the north Korean navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see their air Force.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eil7n/why_does_the_north_korean_navy_have_glass_bottom/
%
The Elderly Guy in Church

An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls.  Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ei7cx/the_elderly_guy_in_church/
%
Why was Roy Moore a bad music teacher?

All he knew how to do was finger a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ei5d6/why_was_roy_moore_a_bad_music_teacher/
%
My psychiatrist told me I was dissociating

What a weird way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ei3ms/my_psychiatrist_told_me_i_was_dissociating/
%
Why don't you take a turkey to church?

Because they have fowl language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ehzg1/why_dont_you_take_a_turkey_to_church/
%
What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ehy5q/whats_the_difference_between_a_buoy_and_my_ex/
%
A woman is trying on a dress in a store and asks the sales girl if she thinks the neckline is too low.

The salesgirl asks her, "Have you got hair on your chest?"
"Of course not." says the woman wearing the dress.
"Then the neckline is too low." Replies the sales girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ehwjz/a_woman_is_trying_on_a_dress_in_a_store_and_asks/
%
One day the pope wakes up with an erection

Damnit, must have been a side effect from the Holy Viagra. It won't go away, but he has a parade to go to that morning! So he steps onto his Holy Balcony, slips out of his Holy Pyjamas, and does what most people do when they have an erection they want to get rid of.
That's masturbate, by the way.
Anyway, job well done, he heads back inside and robes-up ready for the parade.
He's walking along, blessing people and all that shit, when some guy comes up to him with a camera. Tapping the camera with his index finger, he says to the pope, "This morning, 8am, on the balcony. I think you know what I'm talking about. $100,000 and I'll give you the camera. It's a 2003 model, no Wi-Fi. The pictures are on here and nowhere else."
The pope, shaking with fear and embarrassed by his stupidity, whips out his Holy Wallet and gives the man the cash. If you think it's unrealistic that the pope would carry this much money, please stop over-analyzing, it's just a joke.
Anyway, with the blackmailer paid off, the pope finishes the parade and heads back home. On his way back into the Vatican, the high priest notices the camera. "Hey, that's a pretty retro camera! How much did you pay for that?"
"$100,000," replies the pope, dejectedly.
"Wow!", says the high priest, "He certainly saw you coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ehneb/one_day_the_pope_wakes_up_with_an_erection/
%
Which are the best animals at football?

A score-pion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ehkyq/which_are_the_best_animals_at_football/
%
How do you turn a duck into a jazz singer?

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ehhjz/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_jazz_singer/
%
Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ehes0/congress_has_finally_made_a_decision_and_just/
%
Why do so many politicians have sexual indiscretions?

Because they like to see their poles rise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ehee9/why_do_so_many_politicians_have_sexual/
%
Where is happiness made?

At the satisfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eh76t/where_is_happiness_made/
%
How did 10 die?

because it was in the middle of 9 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7egxxc/how_did_10_die/
%
Guy asks a friend:" How much will you pay for my wife?

Friend replies in disgust: " NOTHING"
Guy replies" It's settled then. Come pick it up at 6"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7egwwf/guy_asks_a_friend_how_much_will_you_pay_for_my/
%
What did the homosexual scientist do when he discovered that there is indeed a gay gene?

He bought a pair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7egnf0/what_did_the_homosexual_scientist_do_when_he/
%
The best dadjoke from my dad:

Me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7egms6/the_best_dadjoke_from_my_dad/
%
What did turkey do on thanksgiving?

Changed its foreign policy on syria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7egmhs/what_did_turkey_do_on_thanksgiving/
%
I'm not saying my cat is old..

.. but if it was a person, it would be too old for Roy Moore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7egj35/im_not_saying_my_cat_is_old/
%
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. Needless to say....

I woke up exhausted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7egi9i/i_had_a_dream_that_i_was_a_muffler_last_night/
%
If you’re here for the yodeling.......

Form an orderly, orderly, orderly, orderly queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7egi80/if_youre_here_for_the_yodeling/
%
19 talked trash about 20 and they got into a fight

Although 19 was in its prime, 21, which was odd, and so they became even.
I saw a similar joke on this thread, just added some stuff to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7egi6b/19_talked_trash_about_20_and_they_got_into_a_fight/
%
Three perfect logicians walk into a bar....

The bartender asks "Would you all like a beer?"
The first says "I don't know."
The second says "I don't know."
The third says "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7egbtz/three_perfect_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18-year-old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eg9lr/man_to_his_priest_yesterday_i_sinned_with_an/
%
Did you hear that doctors have finally found a cure for alzheimers?

This is so historic that the government has declared this a day of remembrance.
&nbsp;
This might not get any traction but I just thought of it and made myself chuckle a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eg7xx/did_you_hear_that_doctors_have_finally_found_a/
%
What happens if you put two apartments together?

Togetherments, because they were "ment" to be together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eg6qc/what_happens_if_you_put_two_apartments_together/
%
I read that sneezing is equal to 1/8 of an orgasm.

So I leave pepper next to my wife’s bed, because she deserves at least something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eg52a/i_read_that_sneezing_is_equal_to_18_of_an_orgasm/
%
climb the ladder to success

A woman who is down on her luck was walking down a street when she came across a rusty ladder on the side of a building with a sign saying, "climb the ladder to success!" Thinking that she's got nothing to lose, she climbs the ladder, only to find a naked man standing there, with his dick out. The woman asks, "who the hell are you?"
The man said, "Hi. My name's Cess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eg4bp/climb_the_ladder_to_success/
%
My friend started making jokes about the Nazi concentration camps

I politely asked him to stop, and explained my grandfather died in a concentration camp.
He fell off a guard tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eg3tn/my_friend_started_making_jokes_about_the_nazi/
%
The White House just released a statement that...

Trump is only pardoning the white meat of the turkey this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7efx8u/the_white_house_just_released_a_statement_that/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers?

He was an accountant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7efu06/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_10_years_in/
%
My employer treated me just like family...

After being with them for 18 years, they kicked me out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eftrf/my_employer_treated_me_just_like_family/
%
What’s a talkative Zimbabwean cow?

Moo gabby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7efjqw/whats_a_talkative_zimbabwean_cow/
%
Turkey Hunters (just in time for Thanksgiving)

Turkey Hunting
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing turkeys."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a turkey hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7efhc3/turkey_hunters_just_in_time_for_thanksgiving/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7efgol/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
Our mate David had his ID stolen

We've started calling him Dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7efere/our_mate_david_had_his_id_stolen/
%
I met a cactus the other day

Bit of a prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7efaa3/i_met_a_cactus_the_other_day/
%
A fat woman goes to the doctor for a check up.

After running some tests, the doctor comes back into the room to tell her the results.
Doc: "It looks like you're pregnant"
Woman: "I'm pregnant?!"
Doc: "No, it looks like you are pregnant fatty"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ef99m/a_fat_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_check_up/
%
Did you hear the one about the LGBTQ2S+ community?

They're working together to build the perfect password

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ef8pt/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_lgbtq2s_community/
%
Four football players are stranded on a deserted island

One of them succumbs to dehydration and the others begin to panic about their own fates. The eldest of them nods grimly and proposes a solution.
"Lads," he says, "it's not nice, but we're going to have to cannibalise him if we want to survive. I play for Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."
The second footballer nods in agreement, "I'm from Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."
The third footballer frowns. "Well lads," he sighs, "I play for Arsenal... but I'm not hungry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ef7kf/four_football_players_are_stranded_on_a_deserted/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

He said he couldnt complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ef59v/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_there/
%
KID : What are condoms used for?

DAD : To avoid such questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ef52u/kid_what_are_condoms_used_for/
%
What's the difference between Harvey Weinstein and EA?

EA only sticks their hands in your pants if you have money in your pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eeuo9/whats_the_difference_between_harvey_weinstein_and/
%
What’s your favorite thing about Switzerland?

Well, the flags a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eeubn/whats_your_favorite_thing_about_switzerland/
%
What's Russias favorite streaming site?

Nyetflix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eereo/whats_russias_favorite_streaming_site/
%
Vodka isn't a liquid.

It’s a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eeika/vodka_isnt_a_liquid/
%
What do you call a radical Matthew McConaughey?

Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eeesb/what_do_you_call_a_radical_matthew_mcconaughey/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eecbv/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What do you call two men hanging from a window?

Kurt n Rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eebtx/what_do_you_call_two_men_hanging_from_a_window/
%
I once had a job drilling holes

I left because it was boring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eeb5h/i_once_had_a_job_drilling_holes/
%
Only anti-vaccers will get this:

Measles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ee585/only_antivaccers_will_get_this/
%
What's the difference between a prostitute and a politician?

You pay a prostitute to fuck them.
A politician is payed to fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ee4cx/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
%
What's black and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ee2za/whats_black_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
I went to the boomerang store the other day

They had a great return policy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ee2xb/i_went_to_the_boomerang_store_the_other_day/
%
What do you call kids in Antarctica?

Chilldren.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ee2vp/what_do_you_call_kids_in_antarctica/
%
Hear about the man who needed to use his fingers and toes to count to 20?

He was thrown out of the casino when he pulled his pants down while playing blackjack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ee0do/hear_about_the_man_who_needed_to_use_his_fingers/
%
What is a Vietnamese's favorite color?

Not orange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7edqnx/what_is_a_vietnameses_favorite_color/
%
What do Baptist churches and YouTube comment sections have in common?

They both claim that they're first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7edocg/what_do_baptist_churches_and_youtube_comment/
%
Which insect has great hair?

An ear-wig!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7edlza/which_insect_has_great_hair/
%
Leaders show the way....

Indians are *MODIfied*
Brits are *disMAYed*
Americans are *TRUMPed*
And the French are *Macarooned*
And Canadian are *Justified*
While Russians just stay _*Put in*_..!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7edlqm/leaders_show_the_way/
%
I quit my job over religious differences.

My Boss thought he was a God, I didn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7edheo/i_quit_my_job_over_religious_differences/
%
I've spent three sleepless nights trying to think of a mountain pun.

I'm starting to think I won't Everest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7edh2q/ive_spent_three_sleepless_nights_trying_to_think/
%
My girlfriend failed her breast examination.

She got a D.
But in my eyes, she passed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7edfg5/my_girlfriend_failed_her_breast_examination/
%
I invented a relish made out of my own cash.

It's my main sauce of income.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eder5/i_invented_a_relish_made_out_of_my_own_cash/
%
Thought I’d be able to have sex with my wife after we got married.....

Turns out I still have to pay to have a chance at her lootbox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ede6u/thought_id_be_able_to_have_sex_with_my_wife_after/
%
When I lived in Rome I started a Blink-182 cover band...

We called it Blink-CLXXXII

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eddww/when_i_lived_in_rome_i_started_a_blink182_cover/
%
It’s really misogynistic and hurtful to call women bitches, because bitches are female dogs and...

Dogs are loyal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eddgk/its_really_misogynistic_and_hurtful_to_call_women/
%
What do Jewish people and basketball games have in common?

The tip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7edazu/what_do_jewish_people_and_basketball_games_have/
%
I'm pretty sure my wife is cheating on me with our neighbor.

So I grabbed my shotgun, walked over to his house, and knocked really loud on his door. He opened the door asking why I had a shotgun in my hands. I handed it to him saying, "If you want my wife you can have her, but you're going to need to use some protection".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ed9g3/im_pretty_sure_my_wife_is_cheating_on_me_with_our/
%
My wife is turning 62 tomorrow. I tell her not to get too excited as she will only have one minute to enjoy it. Confused, she asked, "what do you mean?"

It's your sixty second birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ed7a1/my_wife_is_turning_62_tomorrow_i_tell_her_not_to/
%
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?

Her belly button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ed2zw/what_does_a_75_year_old_woman_have_between_her/
%
Always plead idiocy, if you can provide evidence.

It's foolproof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ed2r0/always_plead_idiocy_if_you_can_provide_evidence/
%
Whats The Opposite of a Police Drug Dog?

Meth Lab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ed19g/whats_the_opposite_of_a_police_drug_dog/
%
A time traveling surgeon walks into a bar with the younger version of himself.

The bartender say’s, what can I get for you paradox?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ecrf9/a_time_traveling_surgeon_walks_into_a_bar_with/
%
So Velma and Shaggy, your in the final round and this is the £10000 question, name a animal that has a single horn

"RHINO!"
Yes Scooby Doo, I know you know but you were knocked out in the last round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ecqu0/so_velma_and_shaggy_your_in_the_final_round_and/
%
[Long] Australian SAS

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.
"One Australian SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban".
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out
"One Australian SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban".
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Australian voice calls out again
"One Australian SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets, and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men, it's a trap, ...
There's actually two of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ecno5/long_australian_sas/
%
What does acetone have in common with Nazis?

Polish removal is their best trait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eclq9/what_does_acetone_have_in_common_with_nazis/
%
They say a woman's work is never done...

Maybe that's why they get paid less

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eckd2/they_say_a_womans_work_is_never_done/
%
Divorced man gets 3 wishes

A man, who was recently divorced from his wife was roaming thru the desert randomly struck his foot on an ancient Arab lamp and *WOOSH* out comes a magical genie
[Genie] You have awoken me and now you may have 3 wishes....but remember anything that you wish for your ex wife will receive double!
[Man] OK, Genie, I want 50 million dollars!!
[Genie] Granted, but remember your ex wife will receive 100 millions dollars!
[Man] I don't care, shes gone and I'll have 50 million!
[Genie] Granted, what is your second wish
[Man] I want a mansion island house on the island of Hawaii!
[Genie] Are you sure? Your ex wife will have 2 and it is a very small island
[Man] Yes Yes I can deal
[Genie] Granted, ok what is your third wish?
[Man] ....let me take a second to think.......Ah I got it! Genie, I want you to beat me half to death!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ecjzl/divorced_man_gets_3_wishes/
%
What's the difference between Hippie Girls and Hockey Girls?

Hockey Girls take a shower after 3 periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ecjue/whats_the_difference_between_hippie_girls_and/
%
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ecj0o/once_i_saw_this_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump_i/
%
There once was a man from Peru,

Whose limericks ended at line two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7echfc/there_once_was_a_man_from_peru/
%
I'm thinking about selling my vacuum cleaner

After all, it's just collecting dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7echbl/im_thinking_about_selling_my_vacuum_cleaner/
%
What do you call it when the FBI and DEA do a marijuana bust together?

A joint operation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ec9gl/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_fbi_and_dea_do_a/
%
Did you get that Bike from Santa?

There is a little girl on a bike and a cop
On a horse. The cop goes up to the
Little girl and says " did you get that
Bike from Santa?" The little girl says yes.
The cop says next year ask Santa for
Some reflectors and the cop gave her
A $5 fine. Then the girl replies hey cop
Did Santa get you that horse for
Christmas. He says yes. She says tell
Santa next year put the dick on the
Bottom of the horse, not the top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ec43z/did_you_get_that_bike_from_santa/
%
A young Italian couple get married,

(actually, Italian-American, second generation) named Maria and Luigi. They can only afford to spend their honeymoon night at Maria's Mama's house. Maria is a nervous virgin, but finally Mama 'shoos' her upstairs to be with her husband.
Luigi  is sitting on the bed admiring Maria, undressing her with his eyes. Maria runs downstairs to the kitchen where Mama is cooking spaghetti and screams, "Mama, Mama! He's a got such a wild a look in his eyes!" Mama says "Oh that's a good; it a means he's a passionate a man. You go on back up a stairs."
When Maria gets back to Luigi, he has taken off his shirt exposing a very dark hairy torso. Again, Maria runs downstairs to the kitchen where Mama is still cooking spaghetti and screams, "Mama, Mama! He's a got such a hairy a chest!" Mama says "Oh that's a good, too, you're a lucky Maria, it a means he's a good a virile a man. You go on back up a stairs."
So again, Maria goes to Luigi, and he has taken off his shoes and socks. Maria sees that he's missing all his toes and part of his instep on his left foot. Maria screams and running to the kitchen falls on her knees and moans "Oh, Mama Mia, Luigi has a foot and a half!" Mama drops her spoon and says, "Here, Maria! I'm a go up stairs, you cook the spagett..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ebwgk/a_young_italian_couple_get_married/
%
Who was the greatest prostitute in history?

Ms. Pac-man. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls till she died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ebw01/who_was_the_greatest_prostitute_in_history/
%
Why don’t French people have two eggs for breakfast?

Because one is ‘un ouef’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ebsr9/why_dont_french_people_have_two_eggs_for_breakfast/
%
What kind of juice can get away with murder?

OJ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ebg6l/what_kind_of_juice_can_get_away_with_murder/
%
What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both get close enough to smell the goods but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eb6mp/what_do_a_pizza_delivery_driver_and_a/
%
I was pulled over by a dyslexic cop the other day...

It was really awkward when he gave me an I.U.D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eb61j/i_was_pulled_over_by_a_dyslexic_cop_the_other_day/
%
Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was a really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick: "What school?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eb5zs/mother_how_was_school_today_patrick/
%
Meeting Tom Hanks made my whole day ... [NSFW]

meeting Kevin Spacey made my hole weak.
I'll see myself out ...
Disclaimer: I met none.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eb4mn/meeting_tom_hanks_made_my_whole_day_nsfw/
%
I saw a kidnapping at school

...so I woke him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eb42w/i_saw_a_kidnapping_at_school/
%
*On phone* Wife: Fancy coming home for a quickie?

Husband: It's pronounced "quiche"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eaw57/on_phone_wife_fancy_coming_home_for_a_quickie/
%
What do you call an out of breath clown?

Pantomime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eavy3/what_do_you_call_an_out_of_breath_clown/
%
I mixed redbull with my coffee...

So, I mixed redbull with my coffee this morning,
I got halfway to school and realized I forgot my car...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7easd5/i_mixed_redbull_with_my_coffee/
%
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eao6p/an_infinite_number_of_people_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My girlfriend told me I care more about my programming job than about her.

I told her she is the #1 thing I care about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eajxq/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_care_more_about_my/
%
Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eaj9x/louis_ck_might_not_physically_have_had_sex_with/
%
Me and my girlfriend like to give each other dirty nicknames during sex

I think its really cute how she calls me "wrong hole" all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eahxt/me_and_my_girlfriend_like_to_give_each_other/
%
What's the difference between a Priest and a Rabbi?

A Rabbi cuts them off but a Priest sucks them off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eah9q/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_rabbi/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithburg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eah7i/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Why dont they put advertisements on the Hulk?

He's basically a giant Banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eag51/why_dont_they_put_advertisements_on_the_hulk/
%
I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums.

He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7eab9n/i_regret_joining_a_band_with_a_turkey_on_drums/
%
What do you call an unwanted child?

Got no fucking clue, it's your problem now mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ea89i/what_do_you_call_an_unwanted_child/
%
"Daddy, where did I come from?"

Seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction.
Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks.
"Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ea83t/daddy_where_did_i_come_from/
%
I asked my wife why she doesn’t ever tell me when she is having an orgasm

She said she doesn’t like to call me when I’m at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ea3x3/i_asked_my_wife_why_she_doesnt_ever_tell_me_when/
%
Why is everyone criticising EA?

I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.
($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ea3ma/why_is_everyone_criticising_ea/
%
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.

The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ea2ms/a_father_and_his_6yearold_son_are_walking_down/
%
[NSFW] Life is like a...

Life is like a penis, simple, relaxed and hanging free...
It's women who make it hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e9vme/nsfw_life_is_like_a/
%
What did one cell say to his sister cell after she stepped on his toes?

Mitosis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e9vid/what_did_one_cell_say_to_his_sister_cell_after/
%
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

"Same time next month?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e9tvf/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
%
Did you hear...

... about the dog that limped into a town in Texas? He was looking for the man who shot his paw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e9t5j/did_you_hear/
%
Cowboy: How many cattle do we have here? 18..!

Ranch owner: Round them up
Cowboy: Ok 20, then!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e9o19/cowboy_how_many_cattle_do_we_have_here_18/
%
19 and 20 had a fight

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e9n40/19_and_20_had_a_fight/
%
Old Man

An old man had lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes,
and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side of Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings,
and as he slips away, the nurse says,
"Mraam, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all
this property."
The wife replies, “He had a paper route!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e9mxt/old_man/
%
Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.

My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for our guests. However, the grocery store was out of her favourite brand. “It’s okay.” She said. “Any Port in a storm.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e9mvf/hurricane_irma_was_coming_and_my_mother_was/
%
Price of gas in France

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
I had no Monet.
to buy Degas,
to make the Van Gogh.'
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e9ine/price_of_gas_in_france/
%
Turns out that Roy Moore is having a bad influence on weather in Alabama.

The temperatures are flirting with the teens this week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e9adf/turns_out_that_roy_moore_is_having_a_bad/
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Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.
Credit: Paul Savage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e99w4/did_you_know_nebraska_has_the_highest_level_of/
%
If you have your wife banging at one door, and your dog barking at the other, which do you let in first and why?

The dog, because after you let him in, he stops whining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e97ao/if_you_have_your_wife_banging_at_one_door_and/
%
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?

wave to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e96vx/how_do_you_get_a_one_armed_blonde_out_of_a_tree/
%
How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e96gq/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
If you're cold, it actually helps to stand in a corner.

They are usually around 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e96c9/if_youre_cold_it_actually_helps_to_stand_in_a/
%
How do nymphomaniacs like their barbecue ribs?

Bonin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e948o/how_do_nymphomaniacs_like_their_barbecue_ribs/
%
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.

So I got drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e91kt/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_go_out_and_get_something/
%
If you get sick at an airport...

is it a terminal illness?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e8x3w/if_you_get_sick_at_an_airport/
%
What's Lil' Jon's favourite sport?

CROQUET!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e8vht/whats_lil_jons_favourite_sport/
%
Did you know that Helen Keller had a dog?

Neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e8vd1/did_you_know_that_helen_keller_had_a_dog/
%
McGregor-the-Bar-Builder

*A WELL-KNOWN old timer speaking to a young man in a bar in Scotland*
"Laddy, Yer see this baer here? How smooth and finely carved it is
I built dis baer wid me bare hands,
But nooooo, they dun't coll me McGregor-the-bar-builder."
*the young man is uninterested*
*even louder, the old man exclaims,*
LOOK oot der ta field, do ya see da fence? I peized it togeder, stone by stone, for monts on end! But NOOO, they dun't coll me McGregor-the-fence-builder.
........
Eh Laddy, look beyond the fence, out ta sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as eyes can see?
*the young man interrupts* "Did you build that too?"
"I Deid build it too, wid the sweat off me back, nailed it board by board. BUT do they coll me McGregor-the-pier-builder? NOOOO."
*The old man utters under his breath,*
"But you fuck *one* lousy goat in this town!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e8syb/mcgregorthebarbuilder/
%
Joke my teacher told me

He walks up to the baker and says he really needs a cake, a cake with the letter S on it. The baker says okay, I'm very busy around this time of year, so come back in a few days and your cake will be ready.
The guy leaves, comes back in a few days, and the baker says, "Here you are! A cake with a S in it!" The guy looks at it and says, "Shit sorry I should have been more specific... I wanted a cake with a cursive S on it! I need a new one." The baker looks a bit annoyed, but agrees to make another one, once again telling him to come back in a couple days.
A couple days later, the guy returns. The baker sees him and says, "Here you are! A cake with a cursive S on it!" The guy looks at it and says, "Shit sorry again.... I need a cursive, lower case S! I need a new one." Even more annoyed, the baker again agrees to make a new one, telling him to come back in a couple days.
So in a couple days, the guy returns again. The baker sees him and says, "Here you go.. A cake with a CURSIVE, LOWERCASE S. Right?" The guy goes, "It's perfect! Just what I needed!"
The baker is relieved and says. "Great! Would you like a box?"
The guy goes, "No thanks, I'll just eat it here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e8sdk/joke_my_teacher_told_me/
%
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e8r3q/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
%
Girl, are you the secant of angle Z?

Cuz you sure are sec(Z)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e8qkj/girl_are_you_the_secant_of_angle_z/
%
What's the best method of bookkeeping?

Never lend them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e8pki/whats_the_best_method_of_bookkeeping/
%
How did the shy child turn to stone?

By becoming a little bolder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e8p14/how_did_the_shy_child_turn_to_stone/
%
A husband comes home and walks into his bedroom with a duck under his arm and says to his wife...

This is the pig I have been fucking." His wife says, "That's not a pig that's a duck." The husband replies, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e8myt/a_husband_comes_home_and_walks_into_his_bedroom/
%
Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..."

"...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e8lt7/son_i_dont_want_to_walk_to_school_tomorrow_dad/
%
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e8by6/my_daughter_screeched_daaaaaad_you_havent/
%
What do you call a sexually harassed robot?

R2#metoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e8bbn/what_do_you_call_a_sexually_harassed_robot/
%
IQ result

Psych Admin: "Sir, your IQ results are in, you scored 91."
Me: "Wow, my first A+"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e8aut/iq_result/
%
How do you tell if a girl is ticklish?

You give her a couple of testicles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e89p2/how_do_you_tell_if_a_girl_is_ticklish/
%
Two men walk into a bar

When they sit down, one of the men says, "Hey bartender! 2 shots! And the ass here is paying for it!" Motioning to the other guy. The bartender looks confused but gets them their shots.
About 10 minutes later, the bartender hears from across the bar, "Hey bartender! 2 MORE shots! And the ass here is paying for it!" The bartender is a little agitated at this point, but still gets them their shots.
After another 10 minutes, he hears the spiel again, "2 shots and the ass here is paying for it!" This time the bartender has had enough. He asks the other guy, "Hey mister, why do you let this guy call you an ass all the time?"
The man replies,"Hee-Haw, Hee-Haw, Hee-Halways calls me that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e89ia/two_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e84b4/a_single_sperm_has_375_mb_of_dna_information_in/
%
Roses are reddish, violets are blueish

If it wasn't for Christmas, we'd all be jewish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e805z/roses_are_reddish_violets_are_blueish/
%
Miss Davies wants to teach her class about Hearsay, so they enact a game of "Telephone"

She arranges the students in a circle and turns to her first student, Peter. She whispers "The box jellyfish has 24 eyes, and a lifespan of less than one year" to Peter and tells him to pass the message on. As she watched the message being passed on, she noted the subtle look of enlightenment in each of the students and looked for any notable changes.
She paid close attention and the first notable difference came when Janet whispered to Brad. Brad seemed to have absolutely no reaction, but this did not come as much of a surprise to Miss Davies, as Brad was the class idiot with a permanent dumb look on his face, but he was still popular due to being easy on the eyes and good at football.
Brad passed the message on to Sandra, who began to smile and blush. This was an unusual reaction and Miss Davies suspected that Brad was likely the first to mishear the message, which was no surprise either. Brad egged her on to pass the message, and she calmed down and casually whispered to Pauline, who giggled.
Miss Davies noticed that at this point there was an unusual pattern of reactions coming from students as the message was passed on. Some students blushed, some laughed, and some even got angry. Miss Davies had never seen so much discrepancy and thought the message must be changing rapidly. As the message got closer and closer to Miss Davies, she noticed most of the previous students were now whispering to one another and giggling.
Finally the message got to the last student, Stuart. Stuart was blushing and highly reluctant to relay the message to his teacher at this point, but Miss Davies insisted "It's fine, Stuart. I'm sure the message is completely different and sounds like nonsense by now." Stuart swallowed hard and spoke up.
"How about a blowjob after class? I'm fuckin' horny."
Janet blushed.
---------------------------

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e7zy6/miss_davies_wants_to_teach_her_class_about/
%
My three favorite things...

...are eating my family and not using commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e7zhx/my_three_favorite_things/
%
How do you know if your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e7xfx/how_do_you_know_if_your_roommate_is_gay/
%
Biggest joke of the century:

"Computers and mobile were meant to save our time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e7xdm/biggest_joke_of_the_century/
%
Erectile dysfunction...

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e7wni/erectile_dysfunction/
%
The coma patient

A husband and wife get in a car accident.  The husband's okay other than some scrapes and bruises, but wife falls into a coma.  For weeks the husband sits by her side in the hospital.  One night, though he feels bad about it, he starts getting horny, and he reaches over, slides his hand under her gown, runs his hand slowly up her thigh, but pulls it back suddenly when he notices that the beeping heart monitor picked up pace.
The next day he takes the doctor aside and tells him what happened.
"Interesting," the doctor says, "She's responding.  Maybe you could try it some more tonight?  Maybe try some oral sex?" The husband still thinks it's a little wrong, but agrees to try it anyway.
That night, a code blue rings out in the halls.  The nurses rush in to revive the flat-lining wife.  The husband stands outside, stunned, when the doctor pulls him aside and asks "What happened?  Did you try the oral sex?"
"Yes," says the husband, blankly.
"Well, what happened?" the doctor asks.
The husband answers, "Well... she just started choking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e7w97/the_coma_patient/
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They call me Joe Fat Fingers

And I dobn't kniw whu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e7rju/they_call_me_joe_fat_fingers/
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If a person is not feeling well, he ought to make small wager.

It will make him a little better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e7o5b/if_a_person_is_not_feeling_well_he_ought_to_make/
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Why do trees drop their leaves in the fall?

It's autumn-atic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e7gko/why_do_trees_drop_their_leaves_in_the_fall/
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What is the preferred candy of the elderly?

RetireMINTS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e7dpf/what_is_the_preferred_candy_of_the_elderly/
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How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking.

Use more lube.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e79oc/how_do_you_get_your_girlfriend_to_stop_smoking/
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A man was kneeling by a tombstone in the cemetery weeping uncontrollably...

About this time another man walks over to him only to hear this poor man saying over and over, “Why did you have to die?” As tears flowed down his cheeks.
The man was filled with compassion and as he touched him on his shoulder he asked, “Is this your wife?” and the man replied, “No sir it isn’t.” And continued to weep while asking over and over, “Why did you have to die?”
Well sir is this your parents? As he wept he replied, “No sir it isn’t?”
Hmm... the man thought for a minute and then he ask, “Is this your children?” Continuing to weep he replied, “No sir it isn’t.”
Well sir would this perhaps be a dear friend? “No sir it isn’t.” He replied as he wept.
Finally the man ask, “Sir who could possibly be buried there that could cause you to be in such pain and anguish?” The man looked up at him and said, “It’s my wife’s first husband.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e793z/a_man_was_kneeling_by_a_tombstone_in_the_cemetery/
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What's the most powerful Star Card in Star Wars Battlefront II?

Your credit card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e78p3/whats_the_most_powerful_star_card_in_star_wars/
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What were Julius Caesar's dying words?

name... a salad.... after me...ahhh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e75sv/what_were_julius_caesars_dying_words/
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Some people joke about prison rape, but I don't think it's funny.

In fact, there's nothing funny about the American penile system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e74rj/some_people_joke_about_prison_rape_but_i_dont/
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My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e74jz/my_girlfriend_always_takes_long_showers_after/
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What do you get when you throw ice cream at your girlfriend really hard?

A sorbet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e70sg/what_do_you_get_when_you_throw_ice_cream_at_your/
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Most of the year I'm an atheist but I typically start to believe during the holidays.

I guess you could say I'm **Eggnog**stic. ^I'll ^^show ^^^myself ^^^^out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e6ybn/most_of_the_year_im_an_atheist_but_i_typically/
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A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date.

The grandmother says,
"Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. Don't let him do that; it will disgrace our family."
Keeping this advice in mind, the virgin goes on her date and afterwards can hardly wait to tell her grandmother about it.
"It went just like you said!" she says. "But I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried that, I got on top of him and disgraced his family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e6xb1/a_virgin_from_a_traditional_family_tells_her/
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US Open...

So there was this golfer that entered the prestigious US open....it was the final day after a harrowing close couple of rounds he was on the final hole, the final putt....It all hinged on this putt...if he made it he would be the champion!!
He was lining up his putt and looking at the grass when a funeral procession approached on a roadway off the course. He immediately laid his putter down, took his hat off and put his hand over his heart.
After the funeral procession had passed, he put his hat back on picked up his putter and promptly sunk the putt!! The crowd went wild!! He had won the US open!!
A reporter was chatting with him afterward and congratulating him. The reporter said, "I really admire you, under all that pressure....you still took the time to honor a funeral, what a gentleman!" The golfer replied, "Well I was married to her for almost 20 years"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e6thr/us_open/
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I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e6p7m/i_just_gave_a_homeless_guy_530_dollars_and_my_new/
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Today I asked a hot girl at work what her New Year's resolution was...

She said: "fuck you". So I'm pretty excited about 2018.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e6nq6/today_i_asked_a_hot_girl_at_work_what_her_new/
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The priest and the rabbi

Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy Tablet
PRIEST AND RABBI
Priest and a Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responded, Yes, that is still one of our laws.
The priest then asked, Have you ever eaten pork?
To which the rabbi replied,
Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham
sandwich.
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? "
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"
The rabbi then asked him,
"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied,
"Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat
thinking, for
about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said,
"Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e6kvn/the_priest_and_the_rabbi/
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Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

They kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e6igb/why_did_mozart_kill_all_of_his_chickens/
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Why were the console wars started?

Because neither side could find a clear resolution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e6hzi/why_were_the_console_wars_started/
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I asked a fitness trainer at my local gym what would be the best machine to use in order to impress girls

Apparently it’s the ATM machine at my local bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e6eb2/i_asked_a_fitness_trainer_at_my_local_gym_what/
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The Monk's Secret

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because
"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different doors, As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the blades of grass and sand pebbles exist on the earth. Among other things, we’re looking at average per-monk credit earn rates on a daily basis, and we’ll be making constant adjustments to ensure that players have challenges that are compelling, rewarding, and of course attainable via wasting forty-five years of your life.
We appreciate the candid feedback, and the passion the community has put forth around the current topics here on Reddit, our forums and across numerous social media outlets.
Our team will continue to make changes and monitor community feedback and update everyone as soon and as often as we can."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e6by8/the_monks_secret/
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I'm glad my wife is lactose intolerant.

We don't have to pose for pictures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e67pu/im_glad_my_wife_is_lactose_intolerant/
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3 guys are standing on a tower

They are pretty much bored until one of the guys proposes a challenge.
He challenges the other two to throw their watch of the tower and to run down as fast as they can to try and catch it before it drops to the ground. Each of them puts in $100, so the first one to catch the watch wins and gets the $300 in total.
They hesitate but do give in after a while. The guy proposing the challenge says they can go first since he came up with it.
The first one is readying himself to sprint down. He throws the watch and runs down like a mad man, only to arrive at the entrance of the tower and seeing his watch completely crushed.
The second guy, eagered to not let the $300 slip, throws his watch very high up and almost flies downstairs. Upon reaching the entrance he sees his watch just drop on the ground in front of him. Though he is know convinced that it is pretty much impossible to catch the watch.
The third guy also throws his watch down. He enjoys the view, so he decided to smoke a cigarette first. Slowly but surely he starts descending down. Before going to the entrance he calls his mom for a check-up, asking how dads doing etc. after the long phonecall he walks to the entrance of the tower, holding out his hand. The watch drops in the middle of his hand upon walking outside. The two guys are completely shocked. He gets the $300 and proceeds to light a cigarette.
They still can't believe he actually did it. One of them dares to ask the question: "How could you possibly catch it when you were A LOT slower then us? How in god's name did you do it?"
He says:"Pretty simple, I just set my watch 30 minutes earlier"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e6662/3_guys_are_standing_on_a_tower/
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I heard that Battlefront II removed microtransactions.

I guess you can say the game is Crystal clear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e5ztk/i_heard_that_battlefront_ii_removed/
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Two carrots are walking together down the street,

One of them stepped onto the road and ended up getting run over by a car. The other carrot calls 911 and they take him to the hospital. After hours of waiting the doctor comes out
and says, "I have good news and bad news, the good news is your friend is going to make it, the bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e5yfr/two_carrots_are_walking_together_down_the_street/
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Haven't u seen a naked woman before?

Fully Nude British Lady gets into taxi. Chinese Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..
British Lady asks,
"Haven't u seen a naked woman before?"
Chinese Driver: I no look you naked. I plenty frightened. I look look. Where you keep money pay me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e5y8k/havent_u_seen_a_naked_woman_before/
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I found my first grey pubic hair today

I just didn’t expect it to be in my Big Mac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e5w2o/i_found_my_first_grey_pubic_hair_today/
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What do peanut butter and prostitutes have in common?

They both spread for bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e5swr/what_do_peanut_butter_and_prostitutes_have_in/
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I only eat Whole Foods.

Whole pizzas, whole cakes, whole family meals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e5nhg/i_only_eat_whole_foods/
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Which runs faster, hot or cold?

Hot, Everyone can catch a cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e5m1z/which_runs_faster_hot_or_cold/
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Working at a factory making huge calculator buttons isn't exactly my dreamjob, but at least my only task is to fabricate one kind of button.

That's a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e5huk/working_at_a_factory_making_huge_calculator/
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I call my toilet "The Kremlin."

It's where I go to take a trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e5gpp/i_call_my_toilet_the_kremlin/
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What langue do UPS men speak?

Parcel Tongue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e5ejp/what_langue_do_ups_men_speak/
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What's the top Journey song at Japanese funerals?

Don't Stop Bereaving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e5afk/whats_the_top_journey_song_at_japanese_funerals/
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What do you call a transgender tree?

Spruce Jenner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e5949/what_do_you_call_a_transgender_tree/
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What is the most commonly searched term on Internet Explorer?

Google Chrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e57vd/what_is_the_most_commonly_searched_term_on/
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Me and my best friend were born within an hour of each other, our mothers said we could be sister and brother

Just like their parents were.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e54cb/me_and_my_best_friend_were_born_within_an_hour_of/
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A man goes to eat in a fancy italian restaurant

He arrives there and orders a plate of spaghetti and meatballs.
After the waiter has brought his food, he notices that there is a hair in his spaghetti.
He stands up and says out loud: « Since there is a hair in there, i won’t pay! » and walks out of the restaurant.
Later that night, by sheer coincidence, the waiter sees the same client walking in a whorehouse.
He decides to follow him inside. The client talks with one of the girls and they take the stairs to go inside of one of the bedrooms.
The waiter discreetly continue to follow them and when he is at their door, he opens it wide to see the man eating the hairy pussy of the gal.
The waiter : « Good lord! For somebody who makes a scene for a hair in his plate, you seem there to quite enjoy it! »
And the client to answer : « I sure do! But if i find ONE spaghetti in there, i won’t pay! »
(If you enjoy the dirty ones, tell me, i got plenty of them!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e53ax/a_man_goes_to_eat_in_a_fancy_italian_restaurant/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the Fresh Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e4mi4/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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I said to my wife that I couldn't be with any other woman.

She was ecstatic until I said the last two words: "Could I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e4k5s/i_said_to_my_wife_that_i_couldnt_be_with_any/
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What are Louis CK’s after parties called?

Meet and beats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e4je2/what_are_louis_cks_after_parties_called/
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My lesbian neighbors bought me a Rolex for my birthday

I don't think they knew what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e4gpk/my_lesbian_neighbors_bought_me_a_rolex_for_my/
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I love self-deprecating humour.

But I'm not very good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e4ewk/i_love_selfdeprecating_humour/
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I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff...

As the rescue team approached, one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!"
So I started smiling...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e4ef7/i_was_clinging_for_dear_life_on_the_edge_of_the/
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I found a dead deer by the side of the road.

So I went back later dressed as Santa and flagged people over telling them I needed a ride. Their kids in the back seat went berserk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e4aln/i_found_a_dead_deer_by_the_side_of_the_road/
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What is a physicist's favourite food?

Fission chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e4a59/what_is_a_physicists_favourite_food/
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A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:
"Table for 8, please"
"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"
"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"
He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
"0, 1, 2, 3..."
Sorry, I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e4a49/a_programmer_and_his_colleagues_attempt_to_enter/
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Old Macdonald...

...spelled "redirection" without any consonants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e485r/old_macdonald/
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Have you heard about the Mexican train killer?

He had loco-motives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e409g/have_you_heard_about_the_mexican_train_killer/
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Why did the condom fly across the room

Because it was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e3zzp/why_did_the_condom_fly_across_the_room/
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Joke a friend sent me.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't a fucking electric fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e3xwf/joke_a_friend_sent_me/
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Lots of Asian women are turning into good drivers,

So if you’re a good driver; watch out for asian women turning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e3w2q/lots_of_asian_women_are_turning_into_good_drivers/
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What kind of sweater do cops wear?

A pullover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e3ulf/what_kind_of_sweater_do_cops_wear/
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What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasaurass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e3sod/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
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Santa Claus is delivering gifts on Xmas Eve

Santa Claus's delivering gifts on Christmas Eve. He hops down the chimney of one house and sees a bare naked lady. The naked lady isn't all that hot and precedes to ask santa if he'd stay awhile. Santa replies "ho ho ho got to go got to deliver the toys to all the kiddies you know" and goes up the chimney
After a few more houses the same thing happens. Santa goes down the chimney to find a bare naked lady. Again she's average at best. She says "Santa y don't u take a break with me for awhile?"  Santa replies " Ho Ho Ho got to go got to deliver the toys to all the kiddies you know" and goes back up the chimney
After a few more houses the same thing happens again. Santa goes down the chimney to find a bare naked lady. Except this time she's smoking hot. She says " Santa won't u rest a bit and stay with me awhile?"   To this Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey gotta stay, Can't go up the chimney with my dick this way!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e3r2w/santa_claus_is_delivering_gifts_on_xmas_eve/
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A chicken gives us eggs, a cow gives us beef. What does a pig give us?

A bloody speeding ticket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e3qjl/a_chicken_gives_us_eggs_a_cow_gives_us_beef_what/
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[NSFW] A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He walks up to the nurse at the desk and demands she opens the sperm sample vault.
"But it's just sperm...", she replies.
"Open it!", he orders.
She promptly opens it, and allows the man to look into the vault.
"Drink it", he says, pointing at one of the samples.
Reluctantly, but quickly, she slurps one back.
"Drink another", he says pointing at a second bottle of semen.
She drinks another, and at his further request, 4 more.
When she's finished, the man pulls off the mask and says;
"See darling? That wasn't so difficult now was it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e3m0l/nsfw_a_guy_walks_into_a_sperm_donor_bank_wearing/
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My girlfriend: "Did you forget to turn on the dishwasher?"

Me: *sipping coffe from a vase*
"No, why?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e3lf1/my_girlfriend_did_you_forget_to_turn_on_the/
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A man got a sore throat and goes to a doctor's house

He knocks on the door and the doctor's wife opens the door "is the doctor home?" He asks whispering because of his throat. The wife looks outside, sees no one and whispers "No, he's not. Come in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e3ky9/a_man_got_a_sore_throat_and_goes_to_a_doctors/
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Earth can not be flat

Because if it was cats would have pushed everything from the edge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e3f5y/earth_can_not_be_flat/
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Why do surfers only eat cold food?

Because they don't like microwaves at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e3ahx/why_do_surfers_only_eat_cold_food/
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Can someone tell me who "bidden" is.

I see all of these things that are for bidden, and I want to negotiate with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e37mr/can_someone_tell_me_who_bidden_is/
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A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e37ak/a_woman_shoots_her_husband_for_stepping_on_the/
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Why didn't Thor invite many people to his brother's surprise party?

He wanted to keep it Loki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e35ee/why_didnt_thor_invite_many_people_to_his_brothers/
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Some football fans are stranded in the woods

There are 3 of them.
One liverpool fan, one hartlepool fan and an arsenal fan.
They decide that they are going to need some food if they are to survive.
They set a trap and manage to capture a bear.
"We can't eat bear meat!" the arsenal fan shouts, "we're going to die if we don't" the liverpool fan replies, the hartlepool fan agrees with the liverpool fan.
They then decide how they are going to split the bear.
"I'll have the liver since I'm from liverpool" says the liverpool fan,
"I'll have the heart since I'm from hartlepool" says the hartlepool fan, and the arsenal fans shrieks "I'm not hungry".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e2vv1/some_football_fans_are_stranded_in_the_woods/
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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e2rfg/a_very_elderly_couple_is_having_an_elegant_dinner/
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Two cows standing on a slope

There's two cows standing on a slope. Which cows reaches the bottom first?
The one with the smaller mu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e2pwn/two_cows_standing_on_a_slope/
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If straight couples usually end sex when the man finishes, how do lesbians know when it's time to stop?

When the scissors get dull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e2pqt/if_straight_couples_usually_end_sex_when_the_man/
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My friend is selling a TV for £50

60inch, 4k flatscreen. The volume buttons broke, but at that price, you can't turn it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e2ond/my_friend_is_selling_a_tv_for_50/
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Fishing For Whiskey

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e2ke0/fishing_for_whiskey/
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Three soldiers are captured by the enemy army and are due to be shot

There's one Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
The Englishman is brought out first, and the firing squad takes aim. . .
Suddenly, the Englishman points behind the squad and yells "SANDSTORM!!!" the firing squad turn around to look and the Englishman jumps over the wall and runs away.
The Scotsman is brought out next and the firing squad takes aim. . .
Without warning, the Scotsman points behind the squad and yells "HURRICANE!!!" the firing squad turn around to look and the Scotsman jumps over the wall and runs away.
The Irishman watched all this and thinks it is a marvellous idea.
He is brought out last.
The firing squad takes aim. . .
Confidently, the Irishman points behind the squad and screams at the top of his lungs "FIRE!!!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e2gos/three_soldiers_are_captured_by_the_enemy_army_and/
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I always used to lick the bowl clean.

Until my parents told me to flush it like everyone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e2gn9/i_always_used_to_lick_the_bowl_clean/
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French Fries aren’t made in France

They’re made in Grease

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e2dc1/french_fries_arent_made_in_france/
%
Penguin driving through the desert

It's 100* day and he's cruising along until his car starts smoking. He takes it easy until he makes it to a small town and finds a mechanic. The mechanic says to come back in an hour, so the penguin decides to explore the small town.
There's not much to see but he does find an ice cream shop, and with it being 100 out, he orders a cone. He decides to head back to check on his car, but along the way the ice cream starts melting and is all over his hands and dripping down his face.
As he walks into the garage the mechanic looks out from under the hood and exclaims, "I see what you did, you blew a seal!"
The penguin, surprised, wipes his face off hurriedly and says "No, it's ice cream, I swear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e2a4r/penguin_driving_through_the_desert/
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What did the Asian janitor say when he jumped out of the broom closet?

SUPPLIES!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e28zt/what_did_the_asian_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out/
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I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way...

So, I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e2509/i_asked_god_for_a_car_but_i_know_god_doesnt_work/
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I'm not looking for the #1 constipation relief medicine in the market.

A #2 would do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e23na/im_not_looking_for_the_1_constipation_relief/
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A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.
The bartender asks “Why is he called Tiny?”
And the man replies “Because he’s my newt!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e23gk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_newt_on_his_shoulder/
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What do you call a masturbation competition?

A jack-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e22vv/what_do_you_call_a_masturbation_competition/
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Reaching 3rd base in the back of a car, she stops me and tells me she wants to be safe

I put her seatbelt on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e20x7/reaching_3rd_base_in_the_back_of_a_car_she_stops/
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Why can only 2 Mexicans pass the border at once?

Because the sign says no trespassing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e1wpn/why_can_only_2_mexicans_pass_the_border_at_once/
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This is the story of a couple who had been happily married for forty years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e1uby/this_is_the_story_of_a_couple_who_had_been/
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I'd like to thank the sidewalks

For keeping me off the streets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e1ri1/id_like_to_thank_the_sidewalks/
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"Granny, why do you read obituaries every day?"

"Don't worry grandson. I just want to see who is single again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e1r3h/granny_why_do_you_read_obituaries_every_day/
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There's a band called 1023MB.

They haven't had any gigs yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e1pg7/theres_a_band_called_1023mb/
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People who constantly brag about their ancestors are like potatoes;

The only good part is underground.
Note: I heard this one in Bulgaria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e1him/people_who_constantly_brag_about_their_ancestors/
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I'm undecided about abortion

on one side it's killing babies and I'm all for that, but it gives women a choice. Do we really want that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e1cu1/im_undecided_about_abortion/
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Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because the one that had a dream got shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e1c4v/why_do_black_people_only_have_nightmares/
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Dads are like boomerangs

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e1bss/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e19h3/bing_could_have_totally_crushed_google_if_they/
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No more menstrual jokes

Period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e16kt/no_more_menstrual_jokes/
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What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife................

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e14x6/whats_the_fastest_way_to_a_mans_heart/
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Pregnant With Doubt

When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was.
The sergeant’s reply: “Completely, sir.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e14pp/pregnant_with_doubt/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e147d/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

I had to quit cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e139i/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_thanksgiving_leftovers/
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I found out 2 things after I went to IKEA

1. My penis is bigger then an Ikea pencil
2. I'm banned from Ikea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e125v/i_found_out_2_things_after_i_went_to_ikea/
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Why is having sex with a lump of bronze considered incestuous?

Because you're still fucking a CuSn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e0zpo/why_is_having_sex_with_a_lump_of_bronze/
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A pee fetish isn't something you do half-hearted.

Either urine or you're out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e0znc/a_pee_fetish_isnt_something_you_do_halfhearted/
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Why did the gun shoot the other gun?

Because it was triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e0ywk/why_did_the_gun_shoot_the_other_gun/
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Sex after marriage

A girl and a boy meet at the discotheque and after a couple of dances it is obvious that they are really attracted to each other.
The boy asks the girl home and she accepts.
Once at home, nature being nature and the attraction being strong, after some kissing and petting, the boy makes some forceful advances.
The girl tells him “John I really find you physically attractive and even I want to do this, but we must wait”
John  says “Mary you do not know how beautiful you are, I have  some condoms in my pocket, and I cannot wait  anymore”
Mary  replies “In our family we are deeply religious and I have to  tell you that  kissing and petting is all fine, but for me there will  be no sex  before marriage”
John breaks away from the embrace, sits up on the bed, pulls out a piece of paper and starts writing on it.
“What are you writing” asks Mary; “My phone number” says John.
“And what pushed you into suddenly writing your number” asks Mary.
“Here” says John, “call me when you are married”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e0viw/sex_after_marriage/
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I hope I never meet Frank

Every time someone tries to be Frank with me they tell me something I don’t want to hear. He must be pretty unpleasant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e0tgh/i_hope_i_never_meet_frank/
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A priest, a schoolkid and a business man are on a plane

The plane is out of fuel and slowly heading towards the ground
With no airstrip in sight, they are advised by the pilots to take parachutes and jump
But there is only one parachute for the three of them
The business man, without even thinking, starts putting on the parachute
The priest says
"My son, hold on for a minute, the children is still very young, don't you think he deserves it more than we do?"
The business man replies "fuck the kid man, I'm taking it"
And quickly jumps out of the plane
The priest turns to the kid, and says "Well, you heard the man"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e0t6l/a_priest_a_schoolkid_and_a_business_man_are_on_a/
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The present, past and future walk into a bar...

It was tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e0rje/the_present_past_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
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Twins

A woman has twins and puts them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other one goes to a family in Mexico and is named “Juan.” Many years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. She forwards it to her husband, who asks for a picture of the other one.
“They’re twins.” She says. “If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e0qpp/twins/
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I asked the librarian if she had any books on skepticism.

She said, "No."
I said, "Hmm, let me check."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e0m7x/i_asked_the_librarian_if_she_had_any_books_on/
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Boy asks his father...

"Dad, did you get injured in the army?"
Dad replies, "No son, I got injured in the leggy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e0j5n/boy_asks_his_father/
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Not a dime of our taxes was used to buy bookmarks....

Politicians prefer to bend a page over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e0euq/not_a_dime_of_our_taxes_was_used_to_buy_bookmarks/
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What did the kid say when he bumped his knee?

Ouch!  My kidney!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e0esv/what_did_the_kid_say_when_he_bumped_his_knee/
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Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV

when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen, ‘what you like for dinner my love,chicken, beef or lamb?’
I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken please”
She replied, ‘You’re having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7e0d1e/last_night_i_was_sitting_on_the_sofa_watching_tv/
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How many potatos dose it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzyhf/how_many_potatos_dose_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."
"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"
"Next Monday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzxhi/a_psychologist_asked_his_client_what_was/
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You've gotta hand it to short people sometimes...

Cause they can't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzxf5/youve_gotta_hand_it_to_short_people_sometimes/
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Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzwm5/why_are_astronauts_always_so_calm/
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A shepherd get interviewed for the first time on TV

The press is there to promote local products, and they ask a few random questions:
« So tell us good sir, how would you define a good day in the hills around here? »
The shepherd answers : « Well, there was this one time when one sheep got lost and we hunted it with group beats, found the sheep and all of the shepherds FUCKED IT IN THE ASS Haha! »
The interviewers are quite shocked and they all agree that this can’t go on TV, so they try again:
« Well... Can you tell us another great day in the mountains? »
The shepherd, again : « Well there was this one time when the wife of one the shepherd got lost in here, we hunted her this time and when we finally found her, we all got the right to FUCK HER IN THE ASS Hahaha! »
The interviewers see that this question can’t go anywhere near something decent, so they decide to try a different approach.
« Thank you sir... Final question here: did you ever happen to have a bad day there in the mountains? »
The shepherd suddenly freezes and answers with a deep voice: « Well there was this one time when i got lost in the mountains... »
PS: -First time here, be gentle!
- English is not my first language.
- Sorry if repost, not so much of a lurker here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzutf/a_shepherd_get_interviewed_for_the_first_time_on/
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There was once a priest...

There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath. After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 kilometres from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard. With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
* Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude.
However, the priest was curious. He asked:
* Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
* Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon.
Placed it in the stranger's hand and immediately he asked:
* Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn't in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio.
It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn't even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
* Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon.
* Don't mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! - by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn't follow because he couldn't swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 kilometres away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again.
On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man:
* Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger:
* Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? - the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn't care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting.
On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard.
* Priest, please be good... - the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked:
* Son, why do you need it for God's sake? - the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost caught the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckage. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village's locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock.
On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time.
* Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
* There you go, son - handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger's arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked:
* But what do you need it for?! - panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest's hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckage in the priest's face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest's fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked:
* Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I'm very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it?
* All right, priest ... - came the answer in a trembling tone - I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone.
The priest was good, and never told anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzod3/there_was_once_a_priest/
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Why do gametes make great advertisers?

Because sex cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzn8i/why_do_gametes_make_great_advertisers/
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Why is Santa so jolly?

He knows where all the bad girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzm8w/why_is_santa_so_jolly/
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What I if told you

You read the first line wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzlpm/what_i_if_told_you/
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A man walks into McDonalds

The cashier says, “Hello sir! May I take your order? By the way sir, we don’t have any-”
The man interrupts, “Yes, can I get a, uh, Big Mac with large fries?”
“Sir, we don’t have any fries, would you like-“
“Oh, then can I get some small fries?”
The cashier sighs and rolls his eyes. “Look, why is there a hip in ship?”
The man thinks about it for a moment, and replies, “Well, God must’ve put it there.”
“Okay, and why is there ants in pants?”
The man takes a second to think about it again. “Hmm, I suppose God put it there as well.”
“Now, why is freak in French fries?” The cashier asks again,
The man thinks hard on this one for a couple of moments. “Wait a second, there ain’t no freak in French fries.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME.”
(heard this joke on the radio, thought it was pretty funny)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzk1m/a_man_walks_into_mcdonalds/
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Why can't you email photos to a Jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzjfc/why_cant_you_email_photos_to_a_jedi/
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I got expelled from school on pajama day.

Its not my fault I sleep naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzg66/i_got_expelled_from_school_on_pajama_day/
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I asked my girlfriend if I was the first man she'd ever made love with.

She replied with "Why does everybody ask me this?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzfuo/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_i_was_the_first_man_shed/
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Wanna hear a joke about a control freak?

Yes, you do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzc6j/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_a_control_freak/
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How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"?

Deleted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzbno/how_did_the_medical_community_come_up_with_the/
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Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzayi/why_did_adele_cross_the_road/
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What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness?

Me, I'm a divorce lawyer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dzan4/what_starts_with_m_ends_with_e_and_can_bring_two/
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People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell...

...and, looking at it now, I see why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dz2eg/people_often_say_icy_is_the_easiest_word_to_spell/
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Why is Uber so weak?

Because they don't even Lyft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dyxbd/why_is_uber_so_weak/
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Life Rules For My Son

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.
2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.
3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.
4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.
5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially in the end zone.
6. Request the late check-out.
7. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
8. Hold your heroes to a higher standard.
9. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.
10. Don’t fill up on bread.
11. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look him in the eye.
12. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.
13. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.
14. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her.
15. You marry the girl, you marry her whole family.
16. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath.
17. Experience the serenity of traveling alone.
18. Never be afraid to ask out the best looking girl in the room.
19. Never turn down a breath mint.
20. In a game of HORSE, sometimes a simple free throw will get ’em.
21. A sport coat is worth 1000 words.
22. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising.
23. Thank a veteran. And then make it up to him.
24. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.
25. Eat lunch with the new kid.
26. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it.
27. Ask your mom to play. She won’t let you win.
28. See it on the big screen.
29. Give credit. Take the blame.
30. Write down your dreams on paper.
31. Love respect and appreciate your parents they live for you.
32. If you believe in something everyone is against means they aren't smart enough to see the big picture.
33. Respect all who earn your respect.
34. Never lie even if you’re wrong - live with your actions, words, and decisions.
35. It's your life achieve and do what you decide is right even if people disagree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dywar/life_rules_for_my_son/
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What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

Onions make me cry when I cut them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dytug/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_an_onion/
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I was working in a library and this guy comes up to me and asks, “Do you have a bookmark?”

I said, “Yes, we have hundreds, but my name’s Dave.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dytdx/i_was_working_in_a_library_and_this_guy_comes_up/
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Little Jimmy wakes up at night to get some water.

He rubs the sleep out of his eyes and walks to the kitchen. On the way, he passes the bathroom and sees the light is on. Knowing how his father is about the electric bill, he goes to shut it off.
When he opens the bathroom door he sees his mother bent over the bathroom sink, and his dad's railing her from behind. He's plowing her hard. As she lets out a moan of pleasure, Little Jimmy's dad pulls out and drops his load on her back... Just in time to turn his head and see Jimmy standing there. The father gives him a smile and a wink, and Jimmy slams the door closed and runs back to his bedroom.
Later that night, as the parents are laying in bed, the dad gets up.
"Where are you going darling?" the mother says.
"I just want to see how Jimmy is doing, after he saw... You know."
He gets up and walks to Jimmy's room. As he's walking down the hallway he sees a light through the bathroom door and goes to shut it off.
As he opens the door, there's Little Jimmy, bending his grandmother over the sink and railing her from behind. I mean really, really going to town on her. So hard you could hear her bones creaking over the sound of wet, slapping skin.
"Jimmy!" his father screams. "What the hell are you doing?!"
Jimmy pulls out, drops a load on his grandma's back, and winks at his dad.
"It's not so funny when it's your mom is it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dysd9/little_jimmy_wakes_up_at_night_to_get_some_water/
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DEA officer stops at a ranch....

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher..  He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there,” as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? “The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s bull… With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety.  The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs… “Your badge… Show him your badge!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dylw9/dea_officer_stops_at_a_ranch/
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There was this tramp.

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.
Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."
"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."
"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.
"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."
"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...
... and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"Okay," agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...
up and up...
below him the ship grew smaller...
on and on...
past a solitary albatross...
and still higher...
till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...
and on still further...
/ till the ocean grew dim...
and the earth itself...
began to shrink...
past our moon...
and on...
and Mars...
and on...
higher, and higher...
through the asteroid belt...
and on and on towards the diving board...
past the outer planets, until...
on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...
he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...
and then...
.' '.
. .
. .
he jumped.
.
.
.
.
:
Slowly at first,
:
but speeding up,
:
:
:
faster, and faster,
:
speeding past Pluto,
:
and the other outer planets,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
through the asteroid belt,
past Mars,
and the moon,
faster,
and faster,
faster - ever faster,
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster,
past the albatross,
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL.........
SMASH!
Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see...
"For me to tell you, I'll need $49.95"
The captain outrageously asked why.
The tramp said
"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different heroes, As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the Open Beta and other adjustments made to milestone rewards before launch. Among other things, we’re looking at average per-player credit earn rates on a daily basis, and we’ll be making constant adjustments to ensure that players have challenges that are compelling, rewarding, and of course attainable via gameplay.
We appreciate the candid feedback, and the passion the community has put forth around the current topics here on Reddit, our forums and across numerous social media outlets.
Our team will continue to make changes and monitor community feedback and update everyone as soon and as often as we can."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dylhe/there_was_this_tramp/
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Why did the Buddhist cashier put coins in his butt?

Because change comes from within.
Credits: From south park game. Just spreading the word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dydkk/why_did_the_buddhist_cashier_put_coins_in_his_butt/
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A businessman is going out of town for 3 weeks...

His wife is a total nympho and he knows that she will never be able to remain faithful for that long. In an attempt to quell her sexual appetite, he goes to a sex shop on the outskirts of town. He spends several minutes pouring over dozens of dildos, dongs, vibrators, and other toys. However, he knows that none of them will satisfy his wife for the entire duration of his trip. Defeated, he approaches the strange looking clerk and begins to explain his situation. The clerk reaches under the desk and pulls out a hand carved wooden box that is covered in ancient writing and symbols.
"This," explains the clerk, "will serve your purpose."  He opens the box to reveal a wooden phallus, darkened by age and covered in dust.
"Really?"
"Just watch" says the clerk, and loudly speaks "VOODOO DICK THE DOOR."
Suddenly the artifact begins glowing and floats out of the box. It rockets across the room and starts attempting to penetrate the keyhole. The lights flicker as the walls begin to shake while the thing just goes to town on the keyhole. As a crack begins to run across the ceiling, the clerk shouts "VOODOO HALT!" and the magical dick floats gently back to the box.
"I'll take it" says the businessman, already reaching for his credit card.
"A word of caution," begins the clerk, "only the magic words can start or stop it's process. Nothing else will work."
The man takes his gift home and presents it to his wife. He is so excited to tell her how to start it and what it does,, he neglects to tell her how to stop it. Even though she is skeptical she accepts the gift and the man departs.
After seven days the wife is getting extremely horny. She wants to remain faithful, but is already starting to fantasize about the neighbor and the pool boy. On day 10 she finally lets her sexual tension overcome her. Just as she is about to get some strange, she remembers the gift.  She figures it couldn't hurt to try it, even if she makes a fool of herself she is alone at home.  She strips and lays down, opening the box.
"Voodoo dick my pussy" she says, almost sarcastically. Suddenly, the Voodoo dick flies straight to her crotch and begins intensely pleasuring her. It goes the exact right speed and angle. It is the best sex she has ever had. Two orgasms quickly turns to six, and there is no sign of stopping. She tries to stop it; grab it, but nothing hinders its mission. After fruitless internet research and four more orgasms she determines that the only remaining option is to go to the hospital. She can barely stay on her feet as she puts on her clothes and attempts to walk to the car. While driving, she has another orgasm, causing her to swerve and nearly hit a sign. A cop sees her car swerve and pulls her over.  She stops, and as he approaches the window she begins to explain. "I'm so sorry officer," she says, trembling in pleasure, "but I can barely drive because I have this Voodoo dick pounding away at my pussy..."
The officer rolls his eyes and replies "Voodoo dick my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dybxf/a_businessman_is_going_out_of_town_for_3_weeks/
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Are you Jewish?

A man is sitting on a train, reading a newspaper, as it pulls into the station. A woman boards the train, and the two notice each other briefly. She takes her seat a few rows in front of him.
The train departs, and after a few minutes, the woman gets up from her seat and approaches the man.
"Excuse me. Are you Jewish?" she asks.
"Uh, no. I'm not Jewish." He answers, slightly miffed by the strange question.
Apparently satisfied with his answer, she returns to her seat.
About ten minutes later, she returns.
"I'm sorry, but are you *sure* you're not Jewish?" she asks, peering over his newspaper.
Still confused, he answers over his folded newspaper, "Uh, yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm not Jewish."
She gives a suspecting glare, but returns to her seat.
Thirty minutes go by before she returns, yet again.
"I'm sorry, but are you *absolutely sure* you're not Jewish?" she demands.
"Fine. You win. I'm Jewish." he snaps, visibly annoyed.
"That's funny," she says. "You don't *look* Jewish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dybq8/are_you_jewish/
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Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me

Fool me three times, you probably promised me a good Star Wars game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dy9if/fool_me_once_shame_on_you_fool_me_twice_shame_on/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It don’t matter what you call it, it aint coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dy7uk/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Naughty Things You Can Say On Thankgiving

1. That's a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.
3. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in!
4. How long will it take after you stick it in?
5. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
6. I'm in the mood for some dark meat.
7. That's one terrific spread!
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Are you ready for seconds yet?
10. If I don't undo my pants I'm gonna burst!
11. Just wait your turn you'll get some.
12. Don't play with your meat.
13. Do you think you can handle all these people at once?
14. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
15. You still have a little bit on your chin.
16. It's Cool whip/Redi whip time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dy6xr/naughty_things_you_can_say_on_thankgiving/
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A photon checks into a hotel...

The doorman asks, “Do you have any luggage to check?” The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dy45w/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
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What do you call a dinosaur that doesn't accept its gender?

A Tranasaurus Rex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dxv97/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_that_doesnt_accept/
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A brunette, a redhead, and a Blonde get ran off the road...

Out on the middle of nowhere. The car takes a few tumbles, but they all come away ok. They all start gathering supplies they could find from the wreck.The brunette finds some water bottles, "We won't get dehydrated!". The redhead finds sunblock, "And we won't get sunburnt!". The blonde picks up the car door that fell off during the wreck and starts dragging it along when her 2 friends ask what she's doing. "If it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dxu5r/a_brunette_a_redhead_and_a_blonde_get_ran_off_the/
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What do you call a Roman who just went down on his girlfriend?

Glad he ate her...
Are you not entertained?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dxlh8/what_do_you_call_a_roman_who_just_went_down_on/
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Magic Mirror

In far off place there is a magic mirror that, if you tell it the truth, it will reward you, and if you lie to it, it will suck you in to another dimension.
The first woman, a brunette, walks up to the mirror. She thinks for a second and says, "I think I'm the smartest woman in all the land." The mirror reacts and out of the mirror starts shooting $1M.
The second woman, a redhead, walks up to the mirror. She thinks for a moment and says, "I think I'm the prettiest woman in all the land." The mirror reacts and out pops a set of keys to a brand new car sitting outside.
The third woman, a blonde, walks up to the mirror and says, "I think" - and it sucked her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dxeu3/magic_mirror/
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Apparantly all flags on the moon have faded to white by now.

Now the French can claim to have been there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dxbre/apparantly_all_flags_on_the_moon_have_faded_to/
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How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dxb21/how_can_you_lift_an_elephant_with_one_hand/
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A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun

Walk into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dx7j2/a_verb_a_preposition_an_article_and_a_noun/
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If I had a dollar for every racist comment I ever made.

I'd probably get robbed by a black guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dx50q/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_racist_comment_i_ever/
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A park ranger catches a man illegally fishing

As the man is getting off his boat with his entire catch, the ranger jumps out in front of him and detains him. The man asks him what he's being detained for.
"Fishing here is illegal. You're coming with me."
"But I wasn't fishing! These fish are all my friends. I come here once a week, take them on a walk, and then return them to the lake."
"That has to be the stupidest thing I ever heard."
"I'll prove it to you. Get in the boat with me, we'll throw them back in and when I call their names they'll jump back in the boat all by themselves."
The ranger laughs at him, but he agrees. They go out to the middle of the lake, the man starts dumping all his fish in the water and then calling a bunch of names.
"Bob, Joe, Martin, Felicia, come on, time for your walk, get in the boat and we're going."
The ranger watches amused for a while, and after a few minutes of nothing happening he takes out his handcuffs and starts putting them on the man.
"What the hell, why are you putting cuffs on me?"
"Your little stunt failed, so now I'm arresting you for illegally catching all that fish."
"Fish? What fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dx354/a_park_ranger_catches_a_man_illegally_fishing/
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dwwuk/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_pet_alligator_by/
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My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together...

I totally nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dww6j/my_boss_told_me_to_attach_two_pieces_of_wood/
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dwv77/what_did_the_nut_say_when_it_was_chasing_the/
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I unexpectedly found out I’m color blind

That sure came out of the yellow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dwswy/i_unexpectedly_found_out_im_color_blind/
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What happens when a child shocks his/her parents?

They ground him/her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dws4x/what_happens_when_a_child_shocks_hisher_parents/
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What's the funniest motorcycle?

A Yama-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.... :)
^^^I'll ^^^show ^^^myself ^^^out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dwpru/whats_the_funniest_motorcycle/
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What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the normal alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dwjei/whats_the_difference_between_the_christmas/
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How do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dwf67/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
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A dad is washing a car with his son.

The son asks "Dad, why don't you just use a sponge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dw3i9/a_dad_is_washing_a_car_with_his_son/
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The Worldwide Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dvz6q/the_worldwide_survey/
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Whenever anyone asks me for a random number, I say seven.

It's a prime example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dvwpz/whenever_anyone_asks_me_for_a_random_number_i_say/
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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He looked at me and said: "That's your kid you sick fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dvvve/my_wife_just_gave_birth_today_and_after_thanking/
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Australians dont fuck

they mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dvv2f/australians_dont_fuck/
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When is the only acceptable time to beat up a midget?

When he is standing next to your girlfriend and says “your hair smells nice”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dvu53/when_is_the_only_acceptable_time_to_beat_up_a/
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A guy walks up to a hooker and asks her if she's ever been picked up by the fuzz...

She replies "No, but I'd imagine that would hurt quite a bit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dvs2i/a_guy_walks_up_to_a_hooker_and_asks_her_if_shes/
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A raccoon runs across the road and eyes a car a few feet from itself. What was the last thing that went through its head?

Its ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dvky2/a_raccoon_runs_across_the_road_and_eyes_a_car_a/
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What do you call two homeless guys trowing stones to each other?

PILLOW FIGHT!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dvkbn/what_do_you_call_two_homeless_guys_trowing_stones/
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Why did the boy sleep under the oil tank?

He wanted to get up oily in the morning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dvi4x/why_did_the_boy_sleep_under_the_oil_tank/
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I saw a bunch of baby kittens by a dumpster...

Didn't anyone tell their mother not to litter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dvars/i_saw_a_bunch_of_baby_kittens_by_a_dumpster/
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Why does a bicycle need a kickstand? Why can't it stand up by itself?

Because it's two-tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dva6x/why_does_a_bicycle_need_a_kickstand_why_cant_it/
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Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dv9op/just_realized_i_really_like_eggs_benedict_when/
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What do you call an bunch of muppets in an emo band?

Fragile Rock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dv7ge/what_do_you_call_an_bunch_of_muppets_in_an_emo/
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Wanna Race?

A Man Pulls Into a Gas Station in his Porsche, and a kid on a tricycle starts riding around him.
"Wanna race?" asks the kid.
"No thanks," laughs the guy and drives off.
When he gets on the highway, the kid suddenly zooms past him. "Wow!" the guy says and floors it. He catches up and the kid disappears behind him. A minute later the kid flies past again. Astonished, the guy pulls over, only to see the kid come zooming backward, then forward again, until finally he comes to a stop next to the car.
The man opens the door to find the kid on his tricycle, wheels smoking. The kid pants, "Thanks for stopping mister. My suspenders got caught in your door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dv3ou/wanna_race/
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A drunk walks into a bar he's never been in before...

He sees an enormous pickle jar on the top shelf that is overflowing with $100 bills. He asks the bartender for a beer and a shot, and decides to ignore it. Six drinks in, curiosity gets the best of him.
"Wuz, uh... what's wilth the jar o' money?"
The bartender replies that there is a $100 buy in, and if you successfully complete 3 tasks, you get the whole jar.
"It can't be that hard!" He slaps down a Benjamin. "What do I need to do?"
The bartender then points to a 6'5" bodybuilder. "First, beat up our bouncer."
"And then?" The drunk asks.
"Then, I have an angry Rottweiler out back that needs a tooth removed."
"Okay... and?"
The bartender finishes, "There is a 74 year old prostitute that lives upstairs that has a LOT of experience. Get her to reach a real orgasm, and you get the whole jar."
With that, the man leaps off his bar stool and heads toward the bouncer. BAM! In one punch, he knocks him out and heads out the back door.  For the next 12 minutes the bar patrons listen as the canine howls and barks. Shuffling and slamming sounds echo through the bar and screams pierce the air. Finally, the drunk stumbles in with torn clothes. Bloody and out of breath he looks the bartender in the face and says..."Okay... where's the hooker with a sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dv3ap/a_drunk_walks_into_a_bar_hes_never_been_in_before/
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How do you stump two nudists who are dating?

Ask them who wears the pants in their relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dv2p9/how_do_you_stump_two_nudists_who_are_dating/
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What's the speed limit of sex?

68......................... Because at 69 you have to turn around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dv217/whats_the_speed_limit_of_sex/
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A man goes to confession after bird watching

He says, “Forgive me father, but I have sinned.  I went bird watching yesterday and used many bird calls.”
The priest says, “Son, I do not see how what you did was a sin.”
The man replies, “But father, I used fowl language.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dv0nx/a_man_goes_to_confession_after_bird_watching/
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What happens to politicians that take viagra?

They get taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7duz5e/what_happens_to_politicians_that_take_viagra/
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Arthur C Clarke, CS Lewis & JRR Tolkien walk into a bar...

Clarke, Lewis and Tolkien walk into a bar arguing about how characters should travel.
Clarke says they should take a spaceship and Tolkien says they should walk. Lewis says that can just step through a wardrobe.
When asked how that's possible Lewis says "Narnia business"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7duvdh/arthur_c_clarke_cs_lewis_jrr_tolkien_walk_into_a/
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Materialist Lawyer

A lawyer is getting out of his car when another vehicle comes along and rips the door right off the hinges.  A cop sees the whole thing and comes over to assist the lawyer who is screaming profanities at the driver of the other vehicle.
The cop asks, "Are you alright, sir?"
The lawyer responds, "Of course not you fricking idiot!  Did you see what that guy just did to my Jaguar?  You're going to arrest him, right?"
The cop just shakes his head, "You lawyers are so materialistic.  I'll bet you haven't even realized your arm is missing."
The lawyer looks down where is missing arm should be and screams, "Oh my god, my Rolex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dut6x/materialist_lawyer/
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Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7duqd9/breaking_news_bill_gates_has_agreed_to_pay_for/
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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me..'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would Like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to Buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why The Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dukvj/a_lady_goes_to_the_bar_on_a_cruise_ship_and/
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I once dated a skeleton. She ended up cheating on me and then tried lying about it.

But I saw right through her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7duj09/i_once_dated_a_skeleton_she_ended_up_cheating_on/
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Three guys go to a ski lodge...

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms – so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny – I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dugmf/three_guys_go_to_a_ski_lodge/
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What was the Taliban’s favorite football team?

The New York Jets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7duedm/what_was_the_talibans_favorite_football_team/
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[Nsfw] Whats the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Your Mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dueci/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and/
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Today a large breasted woman beat me up in an elevator.

I was staring at her chest when she asked me, "Could you please press one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dud8x/today_a_large_breasted_woman_beat_me_up_in_an/
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Lost In Translation

A Russian While Visiting India Went For An Eye Check Up.
The Dr. Shows The Letters On The Board “CZWXNQSTAZKY” & Asked.
Doctor: “Can You Read This?”
Russian: “Read? I Even Know This Guy. He’s My Cousin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ducgv/lost_in_translation/
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So a doctor is delivering a baby

He walks out of the delivery room, said to a worried looking man:
" we tried our best, your wife survived, but your children...."
After hearing the news the man started to cry, then the doctor said:
"today is April's fool's day! And I'm just kidding with you"
The man's face brightening the doctor continued:
"Your wife is dead too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7duca4/so_a_doctor_is_delivering_a_baby/
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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up.

But the bird was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7duc6b/my_exgirlfriend_owned_a_parakeetoh_my_god_that/
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100 years ago everybody had a horse and only the rich had a car. Now everybody has a car and only the rich have a horse.

Oh how the stables have turned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7duarz/100_years_ago_everybody_had_a_horse_and_only_the/
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Blonde Joke:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The blonde finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7du35w/blonde_joke/
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My German grandfather told me this joke from 1944 before he passed on this morning

How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7du1mw/my_german_grandfather_told_me_this_joke_from_1944/
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What was Einstein’s brother called?

Zweistein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7du0s1/what_was_einsteins_brother_called/
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What do you call a selfish bomb?

Mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dtz73/what_do_you_call_a_selfish_bomb/
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So many jokes about the Holocaust but how would you feel if your grandparent died in Auschwitz?

My grandad did, he fell off the guard tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dtw3x/so_many_jokes_about_the_holocaust_but_how_would/
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An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser.

Barman: Oh, you must be American.
American: You can tell from my order and accent, huh?
Barman: No, because you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dtsu4/an_american_walks_into_an_english_pub_and_orders/
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A few days after Christmas,

a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dts4f/a_few_days_after_christmas/
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No Excuses!

A teacher was wrapping up class and started talking about the final exam that was happening the next day. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. Then, one smart-ass male student asks, "*And what about extreme sexual exhaustion?*", and the whole class burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student and said, "*Not an excuse! You can use your other hand to write!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dtq66/no_excuses/
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A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dtm7k/a_soldier_serving_overseas_far_from_home_was/
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If you login to Amazon

and other retailers websites for Thanksgiving sale, you may save up to 70%........
But if you don't login, you'll save 100%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dtl0v/if_you_login_to_amazon/
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Free parachute

No strings attached!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dti5u/free_parachute/
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What's the worlds manliest job?

A male man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dth3o/whats_the_worlds_manliest_job/
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Dad joke 101

A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dtcsy/dad_joke_101/
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Can I smell your pussy?

Oh well then it must be your feet.
Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.
Edit edit: I appreciate the condolences my dad would have loved 90% of your comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dtbec/can_i_smell_your_pussy/
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Last night I slept like a baby.

I woke up screaming every 3 hours because I was hungry and had pooped myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dtafb/last_night_i_slept_like_a_baby/
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A London lawyer is driving

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
Edit 2: OMG front page! Thank you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dt91n/a_london_lawyer_is_driving/
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Two cowboys

were riding along when one of them sees something in the distance. He looks through his binoculars and says to his travelling partner:
"Hey, Jim! Two indians are riding towards us!"
"Hmmm, are they friends? Or...enemies?”
"Well, Jim...I think they are friends. They are riding together..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dt7ip/two_cowboys/
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Why can't Roy Moore live in a Northern state?

Because if the outside temperature drops into the teens he might try to fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dt6sm/why_cant_roy_moore_live_in_a_northern_state/
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What did Donald Trump say when he went Kayaking?

Fake Canoes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dt6cc/what_did_donald_trump_say_when_he_went_kayaking/
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[NSFW] A Chinese student asks his Sensei

If a man shaves his ass does that make him gay?  The Sensei replied, "An old Chinese proverb says 'If a man cleans his house, he is clearly expecting a visitor.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dt6a2/nsfw_a_chinese_student_asks_his_sensei/
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My girlfriend dumped me because I have low self esteem.

The worst part is she was imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dt5my/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_because_i_have_low_self/
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Give a man a jacket, and he'll be warm for all winter

Teach a man to jack it, and he won't need to go outside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dt51k/give_a_man_a_jacket_and_hell_be_warm_for_all/
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There was once a Mexican magician.

At the end of his act, he said "On the count of three I will vanish! Uno....dos..."
And poof! He disappeared without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dt4h3/there_was_once_a_mexican_magician/
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I bought a new set of Electric Garden Trimmers.

They're cutting-hedge technology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dt3mt/i_bought_a_new_set_of_electric_garden_trimmers/
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Doctor doctor

A guy goes to the doctor.
'doctor' he says ' I think I've got a lettuce up my bum'
'bend over then and let me have a look' the doctor says.
The guy bends over and the doctor has a good look and a rummage around.
' I'm afraid that I think you're right ' he exclaimed, ' and I'm afraid it looks like that's just the tip of the iceberg '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dt3gv/doctor_doctor/
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An old lady told me this

You know how rubber gloves are made? They hire all kinds of people; black guys, white guys,boys, girls, men, women; and have them all dip their hands in liquid hot rubber. You get all manner of gloves from this. Big ones, small ones, medical gloves, elbow length cleaning gloves. The more durable the glove, the longer they have to hold their hand in the molten rubber.
Betcha can't guess how condoms are made?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dszlb/an_old_lady_told_me_this/
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The King's Contest

There was once a King of a faraway land, and he was bored. So we called a contest for all the knights of the land to determine which had the mightiest "weapon".
The knights and their audience gathered in the great hall, and the contest began. The first knight stepped forward, dropped his pants, and attached a 5 pound weight to his "weapon". He struggled... and managed to raise it.
And so the children clapped, the women swooned, and the band played appropriate music.
The next knight stepped forward, dropped his pants, and attached a 10 pound weight to his "weapon". He focussed for a moment... and managed to raise it.
And so the children clapped, the women swooned, and the band played appropriate music.
The contest went long into the night, each challenger seeking to prove their valour; some succeeding, some failing. At last the night draws late, and the King steps forward.
"My knights, you are all brave and valiant warriors... but none of you are my equal." And so he drops his royal trousers, attaches not a 10, not a 20, not a 30, but a massive *50 pound* weight to his "weapon", struggles... and manages to raise it.
And so the children clapped, the women swooned, and the band played 'God Save the Queen'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dsyvu/the_kings_contest/
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How do you say "no" in Japanese?

EA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dsxbz/how_do_you_say_no_in_japanese/
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How do you make somone a saint?

You beat the hell out of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dstys/how_do_you_make_somone_a_saint/
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A German joke from 1944

How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dstkd/a_german_joke_from_1944/
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Relationships are like fat people

Most of them don't work out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dsqza/relationships_are_like_fat_people/
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What's the difference between a good joke?

and a bad joke timing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dsois/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke/
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Someone broke into my apartment last night and stole my limbo stick.

How low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dsnjz/someone_broke_into_my_apartment_last_night_and/
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What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dsmm9/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dsjid/the_police_say_that_they_burn_all_the_weed_they/
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Please say dirty things

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dsilc/please_say_dirty_things/
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You murder one pizza delivery driver, and then you have to murder another pizza delivery driver.

That's the domino effect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dsi8c/you_murder_one_pizza_delivery_driver_and_then_you/
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How does every Islamic joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dsctr/how_does_every_islamic_joke_start/
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My personal trainer told me to drink a protein shake everyday at 3 in the morning.

But that's whey past my bedtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dsbzf/my_personal_trainer_told_me_to_drink_a_protein/
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I make over $1,000,000 a month cleaning windows...

I invented Norton Anti-Virus...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dsand/i_make_over_1000000_a_month_cleaning_windows/
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What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ds5pv/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_works_in_the/
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John: My friend Charlie has stolen my girlfriend's number from my mobile 2 days ago.

Harry: What happened then?
John: Charlie Has been sending romantic texts to his own sister since last 2 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ds53o/john_my_friend_charlie_has_stolen_my_girlfriends/
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Before criticising someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, once you criticise them , you're a mile away and have new shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ds274/before_criticising_someone_walk_a_mile_in_their/
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AdBlock ruined my sex life

There are no more hot singles near me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ds1wd/adblock_ruined_my_sex_life/
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I found the most effective way to remember your SO's birthday..

Just forget it once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ds1bl/i_found_the_most_effective_way_to_remember_your/
%
A man goes into an antique shop

He sees a very attractive cabinet on sale for $1500, and he asks the owner why it's so expensive, wondering if it was by a famous cabinetmaker. But the owner says, "No, it's a magic cabinet!"
"How do you mean?" says the customer.
"Well, watch this," says the owner. "How many grandchildren do I have?" And the door of the cabinet opens and closes by itself seven times. "How old is the oldest one?" And it opens and closes 13 times.
"Amazing!" says the customer. "Can I give it a try? How old am I?" The door opens and closes 43 times. He says that's even more amazing, and then as a joke he adds, "And how much money has my wife got that I don't know about?"
Instantly the door starts opening and closing faster than the eye can see and the man can hardly keep up with the clicking sound, and when it finally stops the total is something over fifteen thousand. He blinks in astonishment and says "Where the hell did she get that kind of money from?"
And the cabinets drawers fall off and its legs spread apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7drwyg/a_man_goes_into_an_antique_shop/
%
Which dinosaur has the largest vocabulary?

Thesaurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7druz0/which_dinosaur_has_the_largest_vocabulary/
%
I Won a fight, 3 against 1

To be fair, having two guys help you out makes it a really easy fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7drqwc/i_won_a_fight_3_against_1/
%
Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7drkc4/feed_a_man_corn_and_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
%
A man in the pharmacy slowly read each box of condoms. the pharmacist asked Sir may I help you find something ? The man said yes I'm looking for condoms with pesticide. The pharmacist said don't you mean spermicide? The man said no sir with pesticide ! the pharmacist asked Why ? The man replied

My wife  has a bug up her ass. And tonight I'm going in after it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7drfu9/a_man_in_the_pharmacy_slowly_read_each_box_of/
%
I went to a bar in Thailand and came so damn close to sleeping with a lady boy...

She looked like a girl, talked and even walked like a girl. It wasn't until she reversed the car perfectly into the car space I thought hang on a second...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dreuf/i_went_to_a_bar_in_thailand_and_came_so_damn/
%
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.

Thankfully I was the one facing the TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7drdu1/last_night_me_and_my_girlfriend_watched_three/
%
A cashier asked me if I wanted paper or plastic.

I told her: "just put the money in a fucking bag!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7drd94/a_cashier_asked_me_if_i_wanted_paper_or_plastic/
%
Dark as charcoal

A mother goes to the kindergarten to pick up her daughter.
She arrives to a nightmarish scene, the whole place is crawling with fireman, emergency vehicles and panicked parents, the kindergarten caught on fire, smoke everywhere.
She runs around frantically calling for her daughter: "Amber! has anyone seen my Amber!?!"
She tries to run inside the smouldering ruins of the kindergarten, but a fireman stops her, and says: "Sorry ma'm, but there's only Ashleys in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7drbxf/dark_as_charcoal/
%
A blonde crashes a helicopter

A policeman arrives shortly and helps the blonde out from the wreckage. "How did this happen?",questions the policeman. The blonde replies,"It got chilly so I turned off the fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7drbkf/a_blonde_crashes_a_helicopter/
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Why do Catholics make the best Communists?

They're fine with standing in line for bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dr9x3/why_do_catholics_make_the_best_communists/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dr4l8/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
A husband's last request to his wife

*on my death bed*
Me: One thing I want you to do for me...
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife:  (pause)You sure?  I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dr27p/a_husbands_last_request_to_his_wife/
%
Snake bite

Two hunters go out into the woods and one of them gets bitten by a snake, collapses and stops breathing. The other hunter quickly calls emergency services and says "You have to help me, my friend just got bitten by a snake and died." The operator says "OK, calm down. First, make sure he is dead." The phone goes silent for a bit, followed by the sound of a gun shot. The hunter goes back to the phone and says to the operator "Ok, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dqzby/snake_bite/
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[nsfw] You missed a spot

One morning, a couple woke up horny so they  decided to 69. The husband forgot he had a dentist appointment, so he ran to brush his teeth and use mouth wash. He felt super fresh and confident as he sat down in the exam chair. As the dentist leans in to do his work, he shoots back and asks the patient, "did you 69 this morning?!" The man looked surprised and asked "how did you know? Does my mouth smell like pussy?" The dentist replied "No, but your forehead smells like shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dqwbr/nsfw_you_missed_a_spot/
%
Apparently one in three people cheat

I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dqpyi/apparently_one_in_three_people_cheat/
%
A communist joke is only funny

if everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dqooy/a_communist_joke_is_only_funny/
%
What was the obese cop's only arrest?

A cardiac one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dqcv6/what_was_the_obese_cops_only_arrest/
%
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dpxqj/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_joke/
%
I just tried changing my password to Beefstew1

But the site said that it was not stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dprty/i_just_tried_changing_my_password_to_beefstew1/
%
A woman took her horse to the vet...

"Very common" he said. "You'll need to give him two pills a day through a straw through the anus. I'll show you. ..... now you try."
The woman takes the straw flips it around and says "I'm not gonna take it from your mouth."
So stupid but my Nana told this at a holiday many years ago and along with so many other memories it stands out.... Love you Nana 11/16/17

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dpoxa/a_woman_took_her_horse_to_the_vet/
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My new neighbors are from a foreign country and refused to eat the yogurt I offered them.

Pretty sure it's a cultural thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dpneo/my_new_neighbors_are_from_a_foreign_country_and/
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The fact that there is a stairway to heaven ....

.... but a highway to hell says a lot about anticipated trends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dpk73/the_fact_that_there_is_a_stairway_to_heaven/
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A teacher asks her students...

..."there are 7 birds in a tree, if you shoot 3 down, how many would remain?" A smartass jumps up and says "None, all of them would fly away!". Teacher with a bit of belittling tone: "Incorrect, but I liked your style".
Then the student strikes "Ma'am, I'd like to ask a question too. You see three women walking by, eating ice cream. One is eating it by licking it, the other one is by sucking it and the last one by biting it. Which of these women is married?" The teacher thinks about it for a sec and answers "The one sucking it". The student then says: "No ma'am, it's the one with a wedding ring. But I liked your style too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dpjvf/a_teacher_asks_her_students/
%
Build a man a fire, he’ll be warm for an hour

Set a man on fire, he’ll be warm the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dpipd/build_a_man_a_fire_hell_be_warm_for_an_hour/
%
5 out of 6 Doctors will agree

Russian Roulette is perfectly safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dpfe2/5_out_of_6_doctors_will_agree/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me for stealing her wheelchair

But I'm not bothered, I know she'll come crawling back any day now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dpb47/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_for_stealing_her/
%
What is the first thing stoners do after getting married?

Roll their money into joint accounts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dpay1/what_is_the_first_thing_stoners_do_after_getting/
%
The wife of an old couple looks at her husband and asks him what he thought about her when they first met?

"When I first met you I wanted to fuck your brains out ad suck your tits dry."
"And now?" she asks
He looks up and down at her and says "I think I did a good job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dp7b8/the_wife_of_an_old_couple_looks_at_her_husband/
%
So there’s this news reporter...

So one day, a man’s boss comes to him and tells him “John, I want you to go out and find some stories about fun things people can do in the country side.” So John packs up his gear and heads out of the city to try and find something to report on.
He drives along all day scouring the country side for stories to write about. After countless hours of no luck, he spies a man sitting in front of his barn smoking a cigarette. He pulls over and yells out the window if the man would be willing to participate in an interview about some of things he does for fun. The man agrees and John hops out of his car and approaches.
“Hello sir, my name is John Smith, I’m a news reporter and I’m looking for a story to write about. Can you tell me what you do out here for fun?”
“Of course” replies the man, “why just a few months ago my buddies and I had one of the greatest weekends ever!”
Intrigued, John asks him to continue.
“It started out as regular Saturday morning” drawls the countryman, “when I got a call from my buddy Ray. He told me he lost one of his sheep out in the woods, and he was wondering if I would help find it. I told him sure, so me and couple other guys met up at Ray’s to help look. We got there, put back a couple bottles of moonshine, went into the woods, found the sheep, and fucked it!”
Horrified, John informs the man he cannot possibly submit the story, and asks him if the man had any other stories about fun things to do.
The man, a little disappointed, the man thinks for a second, and begins again with another story.
“About a month ago, I got a call from my friend Charley. Now Charley’s wife had gone out into the woods collecting firewood, and hadn’t come home. So me and a couple other guys met up at Charley’s house, put back a couple bottles of moonshine, went out into the woods, found her, and fucked her!”
Absolutely disgusted, Johns again tells the man how there is no possible way on earth he could submit the mans tale. However, it was quite late and John was desperate not to return empty handed, so he asks the man “Sir, these stories you tell me about the fun things you do are just too much for my paper, is it possible you could tell me about a time when you didn’t have quite so much fun?”
The man stops, and thinks for awhile, pondering. His face slowly goes from a look of amusement, to a look of regret, to a look of intense pain as he remembers. Finally, after minutes of silent, the man looks at his feet, gives a heavy sigh, shifts uncomfortably, pulls his gaze up to meet John’s, and begins.
“Well just last weekend, I went out for a walk, and I got lost in the woods...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dp3d4/so_theres_this_news_reporter/
%
a nurse finds a rectal thermometer on her pocket and thinks

some asshole's got my pen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dp21z/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_on_her_pocket/
%
Communism's fall shouldn't have come as a surprise

There were many red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dovxd/communisms_fall_shouldnt_have_come_as_a_surprise/
%
Give a man a jacket and he'll be warm out in the cold.

teach a man to jack it... and he'll never leave his house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dovqp/give_a_man_a_jacket_and_hell_be_warm_out_in_the/
%
Someone told me I couldn't be a musician because I'm deaf.

But I didn't listen to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7doujp/someone_told_me_i_couldnt_be_a_musician_because/
%
Yo mama so fat...

That when she sends me nudes, my phone storage gets full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dorvj/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
My wife cut herself putting the clothes away.

When she showed me, I said, "Wow, and I thought I was a sharp dresser."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dohqi/my_wife_cut_herself_putting_the_clothes_away/
%
I hate it when characters come back to life in fiction...

It really removes some tension from the book. That's why I didn't like the bible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dodfy/i_hate_it_when_characters_come_back_to_life_in/
%
My grandpa told me "All you kids do these days is play video games"...

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn't pay for my drinks all night!"
The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.
The grandfather asks, "What the hell happened to you?"
The grandson says, "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender -- but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!"
The grandfather says, "Well who the hell did you go with boy?"
The grandson says through tears, "My friends from school, who did you go with?"
The grandfather says, "Well... the Nazis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7doahz/my_grandpa_told_me_all_you_kids_do_these_days_is/
%
A man goes to a bar in town for the first time

He buys a few drinks, one after another, and gets to talking to the bartender. After a while, he asks the bartender:
"If I show you something that you've never seen before, will you let me have my drinks for free this evening?"
The bartender thinks to himself, "well, I've seen pretty much everything there is to see, I'll let him have this one.", and replies "Yeah, sure. What have you got?"
The man pulls out a perfectly life-like miniature of Rick Astley who on command starts singing his most famous tune.
"Wow this is crazy, you can have your free drinks." After a while, the bartender says to the man "if you don't mind me asking, where did you get that?".
The man answers "Don't tell anyone, but along the main road, just out of town, there's a hollow tree. It has a magic lamp with a genie in it. Just rub it and it'll grant you a wish."
The bartender leaves for a bit as it's not particularly busy at the moment, comes back 20 minutes later and reports:
"Well, that genie must have been deaf or something. I wished for a nice car, and what do I get? A barrel full of tar!". The man answers: "Well, did you really think I wished for a 12 inch Rick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7do9nu/a_man_goes_to_a_bar_in_town_for_the_first_time/
%
My neighbour knocked at my door at 2:30am!

Lucky for him i was still up playing my drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7do337/my_neighbour_knocked_at_my_door_at_230am/
%
There is a bipartisan push in the US senate to legalize marijuana for arthritis treatment

So in other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7do2kt/there_is_a_bipartisan_push_in_the_us_senate_to/
%
A tennis ball walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve tennis balls here."  The ball throws a fit, calls over his friend, and the two make a scene expecting the bartender to give in.  Instead, the bartender yells at the friend, "You get out too!  I don't want a racket in here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7do1pk/a_tennis_ball_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The FBI is interviewing a bank manager who's been robbed 3 times by the same guy.

The agent says, "did you notice anything distinct about him when he came into the bank?"
Manager replies, "only that each time he showed up, he was much better dressed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7do1hm/the_fbi_is_interviewing_a_bank_manager_whos_been/
%
I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dnwfe/i_bought_a_christmas_tree_today_the_guy_asked_me/
%
What is your best *knock knock* joke, here's mine:

Knock knock.
*Who's there?*
To.
*To who?*
To whom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dnw56/what_is_your_best_knock_knock_joke_heres_mine/
%
My 5 year old son just told me that I have a head like a lightbulb.

I'm incandescent with rage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dnvat/my_5_year_old_son_just_told_me_that_i_have_a_head/
%
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis"

chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.
But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.
Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face, she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.
Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.
Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dntp4/the_teacher_walked_into_the_classroom_to_find_the/
%
Did you hear about the electronic chemistry equipment that was sent to prison?

It was charged with a salt in battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dnmsb/did_you_hear_about_the_electronic_chemistry/
%
Leave a man on a plane and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dnjym/leave_a_man_on_a_plane_and_he_flies_for_a_day/
%
What runs around a soccer field but never moves?

A fence.
Credit: Leftover Laffy Taffy from Halloween.  #157 Julie D., Boise, ID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dni99/what_runs_around_a_soccer_field_but_never_moves/
%
What plane was used by the Navy to draw the dick in the sky?

A Boeing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dn7mx/what_plane_was_used_by_the_navy_to_draw_the_dick/
%
I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.
I'll show myself out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dn6ea/im_going_to_start_a_metal_band_that_writes_songs/
%
I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'.

Is nothing sacred?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dn5nu/im_confused_my_professor_told_me_nietzsche_was_an/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dn4k4/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
I'd make an original joke about chemistry...

but all the good ones argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dn2ni/id_make_an_original_joke_about_chemistry/
%
I feel bad for eggs.

They only get laid once, they only get smashed once and the only chick who ever sits on their face is their mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dn187/i_feel_bad_for_eggs/
%
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class:

"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted.
She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson.
"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dmywn/sixth_grade_science_teacher_mrs_samson_asks_her/
%
I listen to Justin Bieber when working...

White noise helps me focus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dmxwn/i_listen_to_justin_bieber_when_working/
%
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dmuvy/my_grandpa_said_your_generation_relies_too_much/
%
So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back…

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dmugv/so_i_suggested_to_my_wife_that_shed_look_sexier/
%
I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese

made a language entirely out of tattoos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dmufv/i_think_its_pretty_cool_how_the_chinese/
%
A friend of mine came up to me the other day and said, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I said, “No, it doesn’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dms58/a_friend_of_mine_came_up_to_me_the_other_day_and/
%
Visiting my first grade son at school lunch today...

Me: How is school going so far?
Son: Good, I had a test.
Me: What was your test on?
Son: Paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dmpih/visiting_my_first_grade_son_at_school_lunch_today/
%
19 and 20 had a fight...

21.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dmg6k/19_and_20_had_a_fight/
%
Bank

Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dmezo/bank/
%
A student wants to know how he did on a test

Student: I know my curved score was a 90, but how was my raw score?
Teacher: Medium rare
Student: What does that mean?
Teacher: Not well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dm6h5/a_student_wants_to_know_how_he_did_on_a_test/
%
Want to hear a construction joke?

Hold on, I’m still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dm0fc/want_to_hear_a_construction_joke/
%
[OC, be gentle] Ronald McDonald snuck up on a Happy Meal and said, "Serve fries!!!"

The Happy Meal replied, "Nugget out of my face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dlxk5/oc_be_gentle_ronald_mcdonald_snuck_up_on_a_happy/
%
Organic chemistry is difficult.

Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dlxix/organic_chemistry_is_difficult/
%
Priorities: 1.Face 2. Legs 3. Butt

And if you shower any differently than you are doing it wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dluy6/priorities_1face_2_legs_3_butt/
%
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day

Give a fish a man and feed it for a month

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dlui6/give_a_man_a_fish_and_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
A man's car breaks down near a monastary.

He goes to the door and knocks. The Friar opens the door. The man asks for a place to sleep. The Fiar replies,"pay us."
The man, low on money asks why.
"It's to provide a sense of pride and accomplishment for people who find a place to sleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dluda/a_mans_car_breaks_down_near_a_monastary/
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Mathematical Sex.

Sex is like math:
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dlqcc/mathematical_sex/
%
Why could they not hear the drug addict's cry for help?

It was just a lil peep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dlc8u/why_could_they_not_hear_the_drug_addicts_cry_for/
%
[Long] How do I wash my pet?

A man walks into a pet store, "My son is moving into college and now me wife  has to take care of his pets. She don't even know how to clean them!"
"Worry not sir. Washing your pets is one of the easiest things in the world. All you have to do is bring it to a tub, and wash it with some bubbly soap"
"You think that'll do?"
"Of course! And do not forget to dry him off using a hair dryer."
"Is that really necessary?"
"Of course! You have to make sure he's perfectly dry before you let him go. You wouldn't want him to mess up the house, right?"
"Yeah... You're right"
The next day, an old woman comes into the pet store. "Did my husband come here looking for advice?"
"A lot of people come asking for help ma'am"
"He was very old. He probably mentioned something about his son leaving for college"
"Ah! Yes, I remember. I helped him with whatever I knew. I hope it was helpful"
She started clubbing him with her umbrella before he could finish. Other people in the store had to come in to seperate them. "Why would you do that?"
"That cunt killed my son's fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dlb3p/long_how_do_i_wash_my_pet/
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How many Vietnam Vets does it take to change a lightbulb?

You wouldn't know, you weren't there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dl70t/how_many_vietnam_vets_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dl45e/no_matter_what_they_say_you_matter/
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What do you call an overpriced circumcision?

A rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dl1r0/what_do_you_call_an_overpriced_circumcision/
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What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxicabs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dkv9a/whats_worse_than_raining_cats_and_dogs/
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My son made it through a blood transfusion, so I bought him a 50″ HDTV...

He loves his new plasma...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dkpt8/my_son_made_it_through_a_blood_transfusion_so_i/
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Why is faith a virtue?

Doesn't matter, I have faith that it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dkp3x/why_is_faith_a_virtue/
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What's the difference between Iron man and Iron women?

One is a super hero and the other is a simple comand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dkktr/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
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What do you call a fir tree that knows kung fu?

Spruce Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dkjcb/what_do_you_call_a_fir_tree_that_knows_kung_fu/
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A poor guy and his rich friend meet up every christmas for dinner.

They start bantering about life and get to what they're getting their wives for christmas.
Rich guy says: "Well I got my wife two gifts; a Lamborghini and a diamond ring"
"Why two gifts?" replies the poor guy
"Because that way if she doesn't like the ring, she can use the Lambo to return it!" he answers. "What did you get your wife?"
Poor guy says: "That's funny, I also got my wife two gifts: a pair of slippers and a dildo"
-"Why two gifts though?"
-"Because if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dkj0l/a_poor_guy_and_his_rich_friend_meet_up_every/
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[Long] First time buying condoms

When I was 16 years old, I bought my first pack of condoms. I was very nervous as I walked up to the pharmacists. She asked if it was my first time buying condoms. I told her it was.
"Do you know how it works or should I show you?" she asked
"I would like a demonstration", I replied.
The pharmacist took one condom out of the package and rolled it around her thumb. She told me to be very careful that it's very important to make sure it's secured well.
Then she looked around the store and noticed there was nobody else there. She quickly locked the door and took me to the back of the store. She took off her shirt and bra.
"Does this excite you?" She asked.
I nodded. Then she said it was time for me to put on the condom. While I was doing that, she took off her pants and panties and layed down on the table.
"Hurry up, we don't have much time!" she said.
So I quickly jumped on to her. It felt so good that I almost came immediately. She looked a bit disappointed and said:
"I hope you secured it well!"
"It sure is!" I replied, giving her a thumbs up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dkiz9/long_first_time_buying_condoms/
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I was playing outside all day with my daughter and when we got home, we noticed that I was completely sunburn!

She asked me, "Daddy, why didn't I get sunburn?"
I guffawed, "You can't, honey!"
She looked at me quizzically, "Really?"
I smiled, "You can only get daughterburn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dk8b1/i_was_playing_outside_all_day_with_my_daughter/
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A blonde walk into the dry clean

She put her dress on the counter and asked for it to be cleaned. The guy behind the counter said as she was leaving "come again" she turned around and replied "no, it's toothpaste this time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dk893/a_blonde_walk_into_the_dry_clean/
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Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

Give a man a loot box that MIGHT contain a fish and you’ll get paid FOREVERRR!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dk6mb/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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Why did the little boy drop his icecream?

Because he got hit by a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dk5dp/why_did_the_little_boy_drop_his_icecream/
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The diagnosing machine

One day a man is going grocery shopping for his family, and he finds this new medical machine. He asks one of the employees what it does. "Oh, that machine can tell you exactly what's wrong with you." So he tries it out.
He spits in a cup and inserts it into the machine. The machine beeps and boots and spits out a slip of paper. The paper reads *you have tennis elbow. Wear a brace and put ice on it at night and it will be better within 7 days*. The man thinks to himself "wow this is the most amazing machine in the world! That night he goes home and gets this idea to test the machine...
He gathers a hair from his daughter, spit from his wife, pee from his dog, and to top it off, he jerks off into the cup.
The next day he returns to the machine and inserts the cup. The machine beeps and boops and spits out a piece of paper that reads
*your dog has worms, take him to a vet. Your daughter has siphilis, see a doctor. Your wife is pregnant, it's not yours, call a lawyer. If you keep jerking off your tennis elbow will  never get better*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dk3vm/the_diagnosing_machine/
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I may not be the sexiest man alive

But I am 2 out of those 3 things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dk1vc/i_may_not_be_the_sexiest_man_alive/
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Why would a phone need glasses?

When it's lost its contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dk15b/why_would_a_phone_need_glasses/
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People are complaining that games are too short but

New Battlefront has 4500 hours of gameplay and people are still complaining!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7djzot/people_are_complaining_that_games_are_too_short/
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What do you call a woman with one leg?

Aileen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7djymx/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_one_leg/
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3 conspiracy theorists all walk into a bar

You can't possibly tell me that's a coincidence?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7djxbg/3_conspiracy_theorists_all_walk_into_a_bar/
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I was speaking with an executioner the other day.

It was very annoying, he kept cutting me off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7djwck/i_was_speaking_with_an_executioner_the_other_day/
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Doesn't matter how lit you are...

Rubbish is litter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7djvqq/doesnt_matter_how_lit_you_are/
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The Husband Store & The Wife Store

The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop- dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7djqsk/the_husband_store_the_wife_store/
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Mother asks little Johny to go to a shop...

...but she only has a £50 note therefore she says to him "I'm giving you £50 and you have to buy bread, milk and butter only. Do not buy anything else and bring the change back."
As he was told, he goes to a shop but he sees a huge teddy bear for £50 and he buys it. He comes back home and his mother is in shock. "Go back, refund that teddy bear and buy what I asked you to buy!"
However, Johny didn't want to refund that huge teddy bear so instead he goes to his auntie to ask for some money. He walks in, seeing her with another guy cheating on his uncle. As soon as she noticed Johny standing there, she heard her husband coming home so she told both Johny and the guy she cheated with to hide in the wardrobe.
In the wardrobe, the conversation goes:
Johny: "Buy the teddy bear"
Guy: "No"
Johny: "Buy it or I will shout!"
Guy: "Alright, how much?"
Johny: "£50"
The guy gives him the £50 but the conversation is not ending.
Johny: "Give me that teddy bear back"
Guy: "I just bought it from you"
Johny: "Give it back or I will shout!"
Guy: "Alright, alright"
He gives him the teddy bear back but after that the conversation starts again.
After it's safe for both of them to get out of the wardrobe, Johny comes home with £1000, huge teddy bear, milk, butter and bread. His mother is in shock once again.
"You must have stolen all of this! Go to the church and confess right now and give that money back!"
As he was told, he goes to a church and sits down waiting for a priest to come. The priest comes and sits down waiting for Johny to speak up.
Johny: "I came here beacause of a teddy bear..."
Priest: "Fuck off, I've got no money left!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7djqph/mother_asks_little_johny_to_go_to_a_shop/
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What do little sisters love to ride?

A nissan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7djqbp/what_do_little_sisters_love_to_ride/
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After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange

She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7djmrn/after_10_years_the_wife_thinks_their_kid_looks/
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I can't wait to get home and get the wife's knickers off

The elastic's fucking killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7djlpi/i_cant_wait_to_get_home_and_get_the_wifes/
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The Dance Club

I went to a dance club about a week ago...
They played "The Twist", so I did the twist.
They played "Do the Hustle", so I did the hustle.
They played "Come On Eileen"...I got kicked out for that one.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7djaji/the_dance_club/
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EA is Officially Getting Rid of Micro-Transactions!!

And replacing them with macro-transactions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dj5fk/ea_is_officially_getting_rid_of_microtransactions/
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What did the pig say to the other pig in the sauna?

Man I'm bacon here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dj4rg/what_did_the_pig_say_to_the_other_pig_in_the_sauna/
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A Russian spy enters the White House in search of intelligence.

He had to return home empty handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dj33t/a_russian_spy_enters_the_white_house_in_search_of/
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What do you call a Marine that likes to follow orders?

A Sub-Marine!
*attempt at OC joke. I'm sure someone else has thought of this before me though.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dj2ud/what_do_you_call_a_marine_that_likes_to_follow/
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What's the difference between six dicks and a Ferrari?

I can't fit a Ferrari in my asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dizuf/whats_the_difference_between_six_dicks_and_a/
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How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dit4m/how_many_surrealists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom.
I liked it so much, I got one for us too."No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk."Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dit1z/statue/
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Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dijwu/give_a_man_a_fish_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
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A matador made a still life painting

It was a gourd by a bowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7diizc/a_matador_made_a_still_life_painting/
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Johnny is in a bar

And sees Hitler in a stool raising a glass of Jagermeister.  Every few minutes Hitler would raise his glass, toast and drink it back.
Johnny is watching this and after a few injections of liquid courage decides to approach him.  “Hitler, what are you doing here?!”
Hitler responds, “I am back!  I am back and I am going to kill one million Jews and three clowns!”
Johnny takes a drink and thinks to himself before responding “why are you going to kill three clowns?”
Hitler hastily responds “You see!  No one cares about the Jews!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dib92/johnny_is_in_a_bar/
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A dog and the policeman

Jabu goes into a bar to have himself a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked," Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
Jabu said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
Jabu replied, "No way... She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said Jabu. "That dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"
Jabu looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7di7zz/a_dog_and_the_policeman/
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Have you read that new book about antigravity?

It’s hard to put down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7di4x9/have_you_read_that_new_book_about_antigravity/
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A True Story- the Saga of Tyrone

Tyrone is a young man who stands about five foot four, and may weigh 90 pounds.  What he lacks in size, he makes up for in mouth.  Tyrone has the unfortunate combination of a big mouth, and gullible nature, so when he was thrown in jail for re-victimizing the same young girl, he started asking around for someone who could help him find a hit man to kill his victim and her Mom.
So after going on about this for a while, and annoying his cell mates to no end, they decided to tell the guards, and they in turn contacted the local sheriffs department.  The snitch was given a phone number to give to Tyrone, with the cover story that it was the number of a member of a local biker gang.
Given this number, Tyrone wasted no time calling it.  He ignored the recorded message on every call that reminds both parties that the call is monitored and recorded.  He ignored the large signs that are posted next to the phone that says the same thing.  No, Tyrone plows ahead, and asks what it would cost for them to do the job.
The "hitman" then made arrangements for a visit, which was conducted over a "video visitation" system, which once again is monitored and recorded (and was eventually used as evidence in his trial), where he openly discussed the murder for hire, with his visitor having pictures of the intended victims, which he showed Tyrone, to confirm their identity.
They agreed on the price of $8,000, which was on credit.  The collateral for this arrangement?  None other than his Mama, something she discovered at his sentencing hearing.
Tyrone was given the code "Christmas Surprise" when the deed was done, and so when a few days later, he received a letter with that message, he was in a great mood when he was called down to Intake. Once there, he was met by the detectives who had arrested him, and they told him that due to the death of his victim and her Mother, the only other witness against him, the charges were going to be dropped.
Tyrone was in a great mood, until the detectives left the room, and the hitman walked in, with a badge, and a new set of much more serious charges on top of his original set.
In the end, Tyrone got a 38 year sentence for the murder for hire plot, mainly due to the "he's a dumbass" defense (he could have gotten life).
TL:DR Midget sex offender tries to have his victim and her momma killed from jail, surprise! The hit man is a detective, 38 more years in jail for you, little man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dhw74/a_true_story_the_saga_of_tyrone/
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Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.  His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told
her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled  by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dhv00/garage_door/
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I've often thought about getting into an elected office,

but I don't think I have sexually assaulted enough people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dhryt/ive_often_thought_about_getting_into_an_elected/
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A little pavement never killed a bunch of trees

But a lot did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dhrdx/a_little_pavement_never_killed_a_bunch_of_trees/
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I've started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dhq79/ive_started_a_company_selling_land_mines_that/
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After work, I volunteer to help blind children

By the way: Verb, not adjective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dhopv/after_work_i_volunteer_to_help_blind_children/
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Nothing like being awoken by a surprise BJ

I should sleep with my mouth closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dhltd/nothing_like_being_awoken_by_a_surprise_bj/
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A guy and his two friends are driving

The first guy is in the back, rolling his eyes. They had been partying.
One friend was bragging about the women he had been with.
Another was driving, and was bragging about his keg standing talent.
Our guy has tried to do good all his life, and has successfully avoided both pleasures.
The cars takes a corner too fast and all three are killed.
Our guy wakes up weightless, in a bank clouds. There's no one in sight.
He starts searching for others, and sees one of his friends in the distance.
"What's up! Look what they got up here!" His friend shouts at him. He's cradling a keg under his arm.
Puzzled, our guy looks around and sees his other friend.
"Hey man, check it out!" In his arms are two tall blondes, completely naked.
Our guy, angry now, looks around and sees St. Peter.
"What's going on here?! I've been good all my life, and you mean to tell me it was all for nothing?"
St.Peter rests his hand on his shoulder.
"My son, all is not as it appears. You see, the keg, it has a hole in it. And the women...they do not"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dhlav/a_guy_and_his_two_friends_are_driving/
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What does reddit and playboy have in common?

No one actually reads the articles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dhkc4/what_does_reddit_and_playboy_have_in_common/
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I threw a sex party

But no one came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dhk78/i_threw_a_sex_party/
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My cat just passed...

RIP Fluffy McMittens
2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2017

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dhhdv/my_cat_just_passed/
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People say talk is cheap,

So how much does it cost for you to shut the fuck up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dhgy3/people_say_talk_is_cheap/
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How do you call a bear that knows karate?

Griz Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dh4ok/how_do_you_call_a_bear_that_knows_karate/
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Why did Roy Moore go for underage girls?

He didn’t want to commit *adult*ery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dh1mg/why_did_roy_moore_go_for_underage_girls/
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Grandpa Passed Recently. This Was His Favorite Joke

An older couple is driving across the country when they get pulled over by a cop - the husband is driving.
"Sir do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Says the police officer.
"What'd he say?!" the man's wife screams at him.
"We got pulled over for speeding!" Man yells back at his wife. She nods in understanding.
"May I see your license please?" The police officer asks the driver.
"What'd he say?!" the wife again screams at the driver.
"He wants to see my license!!" the man explains back to his wife. She again, nods in understanding.
The man hands the officer his license and a smile spreads across the officers face.
"Tallahassee, Florida? I had the worst fuck of my life there!!" the officer chuckles.
"What'd he say?!?!" the woman yells again.
The man looks at the officer and then looks at his wife and shouts back "He says he thinks he knows you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dgw6j/grandpa_passed_recently_this_was_his_favorite_joke/
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Terrorists

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Cars were at a stand still. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $200 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone else giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Eh, Roughly a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dgr80/terrorists/
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What do you call a black guy selling drugs?

A pharmacist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dgkls/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_selling_drugs/
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What do you call a Mexican fireman ?

Josè.......
What do you call the second Mexican fireman?
Hose-b

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dgkij/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_fireman/
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I just don't understand Canadian mints...

They don't make any cents...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dge7z/i_just_dont_understand_canadian_mints/
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What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dgavj/whats_the_difference_between_a_light_bulb_and_a/
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My mom always told me I was special.

But I still can't figure out who this "ed" guy is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dg94e/my_mom_always_told_me_i_was_special/
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What’s the definition of mixed emotions?

Your mother-in-law driving off a cliff in your new Cadillac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dg7s2/whats_the_definition_of_mixed_emotions/
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Why don't all religions that believe in Jesus unify?

There would be mass confusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dg60m/why_dont_all_religions_that_believe_in_jesus_unify/
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I made a joke the other day...

My wife insists I call him son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dg5fh/i_made_a_joke_the_other_day/
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Why did the chicken walk to work instead of paying a bus fare?

To feel a sense of pride and accomplishment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dg513/why_did_the_chicken_walk_to_work_instead_of/
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Why can't you connect 2 speakers at the same time to an apple device?

They work in pears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dg3q0/why_cant_you_connect_2_speakers_at_the_same_time/
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Two tomatoes walked over a road.

Gene modification have gone way too far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfzy0/two_tomatoes_walked_over_a_road/
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Slave Driver

Old Joe was well off, he owned his own land, and on that land, a huge farmhouse.
The farmhouse was much too big for himself and his lady to upkeep, so he sort some help at the local slave market. He put them up in his converted barn, and paid them all a small allowance each day.
His good friend Bobby who owned the nearby manor house also paid for slave workers, but had trouble getting them to follow his orders.
"I've shouted at them, starved them, even whipped them but they're still only half as productive as the last batch of slaves I paid for. What do you do when your workers start slacking Joe?"
"Slacking? Mine don't slack. I hand out leather tokens based on how well they work for the day, and they buy their food and drink off me in exchange for them. That keeps their ears to the grindstone, and I don't have the worry of them saving up to escape."
"You make them buy their food and drink from you, and that really works? But how?"
"The intent is to provide them with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking their basic human rights."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfzd1/slave_driver/
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What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfxw6/what_did_stephen_hawking_say_when_his_computer/
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Two Chinese men climbed a mountain

While climbing one of them dropped their little radio into a ravine. The other man shouted "oh da ladio"...
And that's how yodelling was invented.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfxdr/two_chinese_men_climbed_a_mountain/
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Where do dogs go when their tails fall off?

The retail store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfu6e/where_do_dogs_go_when_their_tails_fall_off/
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An englishman, a Frenchman, a spaniard, and a German

Are all watching a really great street performer who was juggling.
The juggler realized that from where they were standing they couldn't see him very well. So the juggler stood on top of a wooden box. He asks if they can see him now.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfttp/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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If you make Dad jokes....

.... but you have no children....
Does that make you a faux pas?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfts1/if_you_make_dad_jokes/
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Jesus walks into a bar

He orders a glass of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dftey/jesus_walks_into_a_bar/
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Divorce

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”
“Because,” the man says, “I live in a two-story house.”
The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?”
The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfstl/divorce/
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Tom Hanks walks into WB studios

Tom Hanks walks into the WB studios and enters one of the many conference rooms.
As he sits down for the read -through, he notices his fellow peers sitting at the table Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill's mustache, Gal Gadot and a couple of other people he was he was only vaguely familiar with. He picks up the script, looks at the first page and throws it back down on the table.
He throws his hands up and says, "I'd like a word with the director please. "
At this point, Zak Snyder steps out with him and asks, "What's the problem,Tom?".
Tom just looks at him and says, " I can't be in a movie with these guys, they're in a league of their own."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfrl7/tom_hanks_walks_into_wb_studios/
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What do mermaids wash their fin with?

Tide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfri1/what_do_mermaids_wash_their_fin_with/
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I signed up for my company's 401(k)

but I don't think I can run that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfprz/i_signed_up_for_my_companys_401k/
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My cousin was going to get a heart transplant

But then he had a change of heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfpf2/my_cousin_was_going_to_get_a_heart_transplant/
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Gamers say video games don't encourage violence.

Yet this new Star Wars Battlefront has got everyone wielding pitchforks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfpc8/gamers_say_video_games_dont_encourage_violence/
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I was in a circle jerk session last weekend..

I came in 2nd and 7th place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfoki/i_was_in_a_circle_jerk_session_last_weekend/
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What's trump favourite toy?

His Trumpet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfod7/whats_trump_favourite_toy/
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A couple take their son to the circus

After a while the father gets up to get some popcorn. While he is away the little boy notices something hanging down between the elephants legs. "Mommy, what is that hanging down on the elephant?", the boy asks. The embarrassed mother says "Oh, that's nothing honey", and is relieved when the father returns with the popcorn. Not satisfied with the mother's answer the little boy waits until his mother leaves to use the bathroom and asks his father "Dad, what is that hanging down between the elephant's legs?". Dad answers, " That's the elephant's penis". The little boy says, "Well how come when I asked mom she said that it was nothing?". Dad leans back and says "Son, I've spoiled that woman....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfl9a/a_couple_take_their_son_to_the_circus/
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What do you call a cauliflower growing at the edge of a garden?

a border cauli!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfjtm/what_do_you_call_a_cauliflower_growing_at_the/
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When I was a kid I used to think I had a photographic memory.

All of my memories were blurred and cut off at the neck.
It was an amateur photographic memory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfipc/when_i_was_a_kid_i_used_to_think_i_had_a/
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A professor asked one of his automotive students if he knew what the definition of "mixed emotions" was...

The student said "watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new Cadillac."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dffgj/a_professor_asked_one_of_his_automotive_students/
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I need glasses to see my family.

Specifically two glasses of scotch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfenz/i_need_glasses_to_see_my_family/
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Someone asked me to sign their cast.

So I wrote, "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dfbon/someone_asked_me_to_sign_their_cast/
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A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff...

Baa dum tss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7df18q/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
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Whats the difference between a oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dete8/whats_the_difference_between_a_oral_and_rectal/
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I always keep the lights on during sex..

because I'm afraid of being alone in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7deq3b/i_always_keep_the_lights_on_during_sex/
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If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian,

then soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7demqu/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
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Science pun

You know what really grinds my gears? Mechanical energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7defqf/science_pun/
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Why won't the U.S. switch to the metric system?

There would be mass confusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dedqn/why_wont_the_us_switch_to_the_metric_system/
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Jim accepts a job in a tiny remote town, far from anywhere.

Jim is single, so the first thing he does when he gets there is wander down to the local bar to see if he can't meet someone. After sitting at the bar a few moments, he realizes there isn't even one woman in the place.
Confused, he asks the bartender about the lack of women. Bartender says 'yeah, no women around here - but there's a barrel around back with a hole in it that everyone uses to satisfy their urges'. Jim is disgusted, and tells the bartender he'll never get that desperate.
A few weeks go by in the new town, and still Jim doesn't see one single woman. Eventually, his desires overcome his pride and so he goes back to bar and tells the bartender he's ready to give the barrel a go.
'It's out back, you know what to do.'
So, Jim goes out back for 10 minutes or so, and then comes back in red-faced and exhausted. He walks up to the bartender on shaky legs and says 'that barrel is incredible! I've never been so we'll satisfied in my life!'
Bartender says 'well I'm glad you enjoyed it - next week it's your turn in the barrel.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7deckh/jim_accepts_a_job_in_a_tiny_remote_town_far_from/
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A taxi driver was being interrogated after an accident.

Police Officer: So, how did you kill 59 people?
Taxi Driver: I was driving at 80km/h, when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brakes, but they failed.
Police Officer: And?
Taxi Driver: So, I had to make the choice of either hitting the two men, or the wedding party.
Police Officer: You hit the two men, of course!
Taxi Driver: Exactly! We think alike! Problem was, after hitting one of the men, the other escaped to the wedding party, so I went after him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7decdz/a_taxi_driver_was_being_interrogated_after_an/
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What sounds do TIE Fighter lasers make?

P2W! P2W!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7de8b7/what_sounds_do_tie_fighter_lasers_make/
%
A good slogan for a brothel would be....

The customer always comes first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7de433/a_good_slogan_for_a_brothel_would_be/
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A man walks into a bar...

...and sees two obese women having a conversation. He walks up to them and notices they have an accent. He says, "hello ladies, I like your accent is it from Scotland?" One of the women replies, "It's Wales you idiot." The man says to the women, " I'm sorry, hello whales, is your accent from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7de3cj/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man noticed his credit card has been stolen

But he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ddyzh/a_man_noticed_his_credit_card_has_been_stolen/
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USB Inventor

When the inventor of the usb dies thay will lower him slowly stop flip the Casket and put him in all the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ddyev/usb_inventor/
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"It's either me or your mute fuck buddy!" said my girlfriend.

I decided to keep quiet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dduoq/its_either_me_or_your_mute_fuck_buddy_said_my/
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Why doesn't Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee?

He prefers non-deery creamer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ddu1n/why_doesnt_santa_use_reindeer_milk_in_his_coffee/
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Why were the star wars movies released 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8?

In charge of planning Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ddj8p/why_were_the_star_wars_movies_released_4_5_6_1_2/
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You can’t judge a book by its cover

Now you can’t even assume it’s a book

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ddi1p/you_cant_judge_a_book_by_its_cover/
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Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ddhei/why_are_people_complainingwhat_ea_did_was_great/
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I just cant trust my barber...

He’s always talking behind my fucking back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ddhcm/i_just_cant_trust_my_barber/
%
Did you hear about the Japanese porn star who took the train?

He came 20 seconds too early and had to apologize to everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ddfy7/did_you_hear_about_the_japanese_porn_star_who/
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What do you call it when a sailor loses his virginity?

First mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ddepm/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_sailor_loses_his/
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Where were the first sausages cooked?

In *Greece*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ddd7u/where_were_the_first_sausages_cooked/
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A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ddch5/a_woman_shoots_her_husband_for_stepping_on_the/
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The thirsty criminal

My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...
A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal.
The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"
'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"
Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.
"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.
"They won't let me in without a tie..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dd8hw/the_thirsty_criminal/
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Why are retired Nazis so good with animals?

They're veteran Aryans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dd3gv/why_are_retired_nazis_so_good_with_animals/
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What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dcxid/whats_black_and_screams/
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Would you like scrambled eggs?

gsge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dcx8v/would_you_like_scrambled_eggs/
%
How did the triangle kill itself?

It used a hypotenuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dctsc/how_did_the_triangle_kill_itself/
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Why does Ireland have the fastest growing economy in the world?

Because its capital is Dublin all the time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dcti9/why_does_ireland_have_the_fastest_growing_economy/
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I hate theaters

Everything is so staged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dcpga/i_hate_theaters/
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What’s Trumps favorite movie?

WALL•E

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dclgv/whats_trumps_favorite_movie/
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Jack and Jill went up the hill...

Jack and Jill went up the hill
So Jack could lick her candy
But Jack got a shock
And a mouth full of cock
Cause Jill's real name is Randy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dcl8l/jack_and_jill_went_up_the_hill/
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Today i have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee

Brocco Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dch21/today_i_have_met_the_vegetarian_brother_of_bruce/
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I got fired from my job at the gym...

They said I wasn't working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dccdu/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_gym/
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A Scotsman at the chemist's shop.

A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop, and asked to buy some arsenic.
"That'll be a pound - er, what do you want it for?" the chemist asked suspiciously.
"Fifty pence," replied the Scotsman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dc99w/a_scotsman_at_the_chemists_shop/
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One of the joys of parenthood is snuggling into your child's bed with them when there's a thunderstorm to make sure they aren't frightened...

Although my daughter has started hinting that she and her husband can manage perfectly well on their own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dc6d7/one_of_the_joys_of_parenthood_is_snuggling_into/
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What's the difference between Bob Ross and Roy Moore?

One's a doodler and the other's a diddler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dc5su/whats_the_difference_between_bob_ross_and_roy/
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Why is a blowjob, like the military?

The closer you get to a discharge, the better you feel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dbyox/why_is_a_blowjob_like_the_military/
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Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist  who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.
Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dbwbz/husband_on_second_day_of_marriage/
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Breakup

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, because they never get the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dboo1/breakup/
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As the photographer snapped pictures, I posed provocatively and gave my most sultry looks to the camera, even grabbing my crotch for effect! I felt wild and sensual and free...

I went over to the computer to see the results, as I was keen to see if they had captured the essence of my being.
"I guess so." growled the officer. "Now let's go stand for the police lineup and then we'll be done here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dbkmu/as_the_photographer_snapped_pictures_i_posed/
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If I had a dollar for every EA post I’ve seen in the past three days...

I’d have enough to unlock Vader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dbcru/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_ea_post_ive_seen_in/
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The best way to fall asleep is not by counting sheep....

It is to place a nice juicy steak beside your bed, call over a Vegan to let the whacko start talking about why meat is bad and why you should become a Vegan too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dbcp8/the_best_way_to_fall_asleep_is_not_by_counting/
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What do you call a married couple that go fishing together?

Rod and Annet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dbbmj/what_do_you_call_a_married_couple_that_go_fishing/
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A man goes in a bar every day, sits alone and orders 3 beers.

After a while the barteder asks him:" Why do you come here every day and order 3 beer?". A man replies:" Well, I have 2 brothers and when we were younger, we agreed that no matter where we ended up. We would drink a beer for each of us.". This continued for some time, but one day man came in a bar and ordered 2 beers. Everybody was shocked, then somebody asked:" Whats wrong did one of your brothers die?". A man replied:" No, I just stopped drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dbb0x/a_man_goes_in_a_bar_every_day_sits_alone_and/
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What is 3.14 grams of fool's gold?

It's pyrite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7db58n/what_is_314_grams_of_fools_gold/
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A prostitute says to a Yorkshireman, "Would you like to sleep with me for 100 quid?"

The Yorkshireman says, "I'm not tired, but I could do with the money"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7db3tn/a_prostitute_says_to_a_yorkshireman_would_you/
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What are some funny physics jokes?

A farmer noticed that his chickens were sick, and called in a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to help diagnose the problem. The biologist observed the chickens, concluding, "I can tell you there's something wrong with your chickens, but I don't know what's causing it." The chemist took fluid samples from the chickens back to his lab, and returned saying, "I can tell you what's infecting your chickens, but I don't know how they got it." Meanwhile, the physicist had been sitting on the floor, scribbling madly on several notebooks worth of paper. Suddenly, he jumped up, exclaiming, "I have the answer, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7db172/what_are_some_funny_physics_jokes/
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What happened to the super-conductor when he lost his job?

He was made ‘ohm-less’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dayqn/what_happened_to_the_superconductor_when_he_lost/
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2 nuns driving down a dark country lane late one night.

Half way down the see the devil standing in the middle of the road blocking their path. They stop the car look at each other and sister mary turns to sister agnes and says 'oh dear sister mary whatever shall we do?'
To this question sister mary says ' I have an idea sister agnes, climb out of the car very carefully then show the devil your cross'.
So sister agnes slowly and carefully exits the car looks the devil full in the face and shouts 'GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY YOU CUNT BEFORE I DO YOU'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7daxg1/2_nuns_driving_down_a_dark_country_lane_late_one/
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Is there a God?

Scientists have created an AI, and asked it, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
The scientists connected the AI to a powerful supercomputer and gave it access to Wikipedia, and asked it again, "Is there a God?"
Again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
So the scientists put the AI on a distributed cluster of millions of computers and gave it access to all the data on the Google, then once again asked it, "Is there a God?"
And yet again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer".
The scientists spend years and years, and finally got the AI to be installed on every supercomputer, network, PC, console, mobile device, smartwatch, anything with a chip. They gave the AI access to every database, website, book, social media platform, every piece of software ever written and every piece of knowledge ever obtained by mankind. And for the last time, they asked the AI, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "There is *now*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7datci/is_there_a_god/
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What did the socialist use before candles?

electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7darp3/what_did_the_socialist_use_before_candles/
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So there's this pig that's feeling under the weather.

He goes to the doctor and is like "Doc, I've been sick all week, you gotta help me." The doctor pauses for a moment, considering options, and finally says "Okay, this is an age old remedy. Here's what I need you to do. Before you go in your mud pile, I want you to fill it with salt and sugar. Then, lay in there like you usually would. Call me in a week and let me know how you feel."
So a week goes by and the pig calls the doctor. "Oh, so how are you feeling," asks the doctor. "Better?"
"Better?" exclaims the pig. "I'm cured!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7daopz/so_theres_this_pig_thats_feeling_under_the_weather/
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What do extreme sports and sex have in common?

Both have the very real chance of changing the world's population.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dantv/what_do_extreme_sports_and_sex_have_in_common/
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Me: Well, I've found my keys, but God knows where my wallet is.

God: No, I don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dalt4/me_well_ive_found_my_keys_but_god_knows_where_my/
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I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high

she looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dajwc/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows/
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A man's favorite discount

Bra 100% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dajc1/a_mans_favorite_discount/
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A man asks a girl out to prom. She says yes!

He decides to get everything he needs. The man goes out to the flower shop, and when he walks in, there is a very long line to get flowers. He waits in line, and eventually gets his flowers.
Next, he goes to a limo rental place, because he wants to be really fancy. Again, there is a huge line, but he finally rents a limo.
Finally, he goes to a tuxedo rental place. When he walks in, there is a massive line for renting a tuxedo. He waits, and thinks he is terribly unlucky, but gets his tuxedo.
On the night of prom, he picks up his girlfriend in the limo, gives her the flowers, and is wearing his tuxedo. At prom, they decide they should go get some punch. He goes to the punch bowl, and there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7daifr/a_man_asks_a_girl_out_to_prom_she_says_yes/
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How do you know how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dagq6/how_do_you_know_how_heavy_a_red_hot_chilli_pepper/
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Why is there only 239 beans in an Irish bean soup?

One more and it’d be too farty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7dafxn/why_is_there_only_239_beans_in_an_irish_bean_soup/
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What did one guy say to another guy at the sperm bank?

Do you come here often?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7daf7o/what_did_one_guy_say_to_another_guy_at_the_sperm/
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Which ear did Van Gogh cut off?

It doesn’t matter. The other one was left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7daey6/which_ear_did_van_gogh_cut_off/
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I was fired from a pizza place only 6 hours in.

They said I was a bad delivery driver, but could they know? I hadn't even delivered my first order yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7da5ir/i_was_fired_from_a_pizza_place_only_6_hours_in/
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A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three

He says, “uno, dos,   “ *poof*. He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7da1jj/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
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Trip to A hotel by the beach

A husband and his wife planned a trip to a hotel by the beach for their holiday. The wife had a business meeting, so the was going to catch an earlier flight and meet her there.
When he arrived at the airport, they wouldn't let him on the plane. He demanded they let him go, but they declined and he was forced to take a later flight. He found out that the reason they weren't going to let him go was that the city was in a heatwave. He was amazed at how hot it was so he rushed to the hotel to have a cold shower. Before getting in the shower, he thought he should send an email to his wife to keep her up to date. The man, however, made a mistake and the email was sent to an elderly widow, who's husband had died just a day earlier. She read the email and fainted in shock, collapsing to the floor. Her family heard and ran in, after checking she was okay they read the email:
To my dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Complications at the gate. Appeal denied. Took a while but I am now checked in. I look forward to your arrival tomorrow. You'll be surprised, it's much hotter down here than we expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d9s0q/trip_to_a_hotel_by_the_beach/
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What did Trump say when he hit the button on his alarm clock but it wouldn't stop beeping?

Fake snooze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d9p97/what_did_trump_say_when_he_hit_the_button_on_his/
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What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d9mr6/whats_the_difference_between_ea_and_my_uncle/
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So there I was hard at work

Then all of a sudden my boss tells me to step out of the meeting because I was making my colleagues uncomfortable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d9m50/so_there_i_was_hard_at_work/
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Does anybody want a new friend?

Asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d9lp8/does_anybody_want_a_new_friend/
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Make a man a fire he will be warm for a night...

Set a man on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d9l60/make_a_man_a_fire_he_will_be_warm_for_a_night/
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I'm almost 21 and my eyesight is getting worse,

when will I get my adult supervision?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d9but/im_almost_21_and_my_eyesight_is_getting_worse/
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What do you call a mix between a turtle and a porcupine?

A slow poke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d9b59/what_do_you_call_a_mix_between_a_turtle_and_a/
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100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d997s/100_years_ago_everyone_owned_a_horse_and_only_the/
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A beloved cartoon artist was found dead in their home today

Officers state that the details are sketchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d91wy/a_beloved_cartoon_artist_was_found_dead_in_their/
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My wife says she is going to divorce me because I love poker more then her.

I think she’s bluffing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d8zrc/my_wife_says_she_is_going_to_divorce_me_because_i/
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My wife is weird...

She starts every conversation with "Are you listening to me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d8wl8/my_wife_is_weird/
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I got my penis circumcised for $5

It was a rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d8vwv/i_got_my_penis_circumcised_for_5/
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What do you get when a piano drops on a child?

A-flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d8u8o/what_do_you_get_when_a_piano_drops_on_a_child/
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I ate an optimist once..

But I couldn't keep him down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d8p5e/i_ate_an_optimist_once/
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When I was first married we were very poor, but my wife stood by me

She had to - we only had one chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d8m6y/when_i_was_first_married_we_were_very_poor_but_my/
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What happened to the boy who called himself une fille?

He became a French trans later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d8jbu/what_happened_to_the_boy_who_called_himself_une/
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What's an IT guy's go-to pickup line?

"Damn girl, are you sitting on F5? 'Cause that ass is refreshing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d8btz/whats_an_it_guys_goto_pickup_line/
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Heading off on holidays, I managed to convince the wife to smuggle coke up her arse

How was I to know you could buy another bottle after security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d8brn/heading_off_on_holidays_i_managed_to_convince_the/
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My wife and I did it Doggy Style last night...

I sat up and begged, and she rolled over and played dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d8a52/my_wife_and_i_did_it_doggy_style_last_night/
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A man was taken to court for making deafening noises

He lost his hearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d8a1i/a_man_was_taken_to_court_for_making_deafening/
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So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes.

There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”
And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”
So the bartender is understandably ashamed.
And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.
And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”
And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”
But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”
And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”
And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”
So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.
And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”
And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”
And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”
And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”
And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”
And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!
And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”
And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”
And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.
And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.
And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”
And the pianist is, like, “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!”
And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.
And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, “My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him.” And he starts weeping.
And the bartender’s, like, “No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.”
And the pianist is, like, “That’s not true. I’m worthless!”
And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, “Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.”
And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.
So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.
So the guy’s, like, “Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.”
And the genie’s, like, “Who says they’re broken?” And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.
And the guy’s, like, “Well done.”
And then the genie says, “That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.”
And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.
And the genie’s, like, “I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.”
And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d89ws/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_one_day_and_he_cant/
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How do you kills a circus clown?

Go for the juggler!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d86lf/how_do_you_kills_a_circus_clown/
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Found a list I made a few years ago, wanted to share them with you all. Hopefully one of these makes you smile :). I know some are reposts but know that many haven’t seen some of these jokes.

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
The Retail Store
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison
Have you heard the Cookie Joke?
You wouldn't like it. It is pretty crumby!
What do you call a singing Laptop?
A DELL
What Crime did the tree commit?
Treeson
Why can't you trust the king of the jungle?
Because He Is Always Lion
What do you call a group of unorganized cats?
A CAT-tastrophe
Why shouldn't you play poker in the savanna?
Because There Are Too Many Cheetahs There
What did the axe murderer say to the judge?
It Was An AXI-dent
What do you call it when you shoot a gun in space?
A Big-Bang
What do you call a turtle that pokes people?
A Slow-Poke
Why did the chalkboard want to be a whiteboard?
It Heard They Were Remarkable
Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?
Because He Was Always Lost At “C”
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips
What did the older chimney say to the younger chimney?
You’re Too Young To Smoke
What do you call an old snowman?
Water
How do billboards talk?
Sign Language
Why did the smartphone need glasses?
It Lost All Of Its Contacts
Why didn't the sun go to college?
Because it had a million degrees
What vegetables to librarians like?
Quiet Peas
What do librarians take with them when they go fishing?
Bookworms
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
Why did the kid study in the airplane?
Because he wanted a higher education
Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
Because he wanted to reach the higher notes
How do you get straight A's?
By using a ruler
How did the geography student drown?
His grades were below C level
Where do crayons go on vacation?
Color-ado
What's a pirate's favorite country?
AAARRRGHentina!
Where do fish keep their money?
In Riverbanks
Why does a Yeti know all the map symbols?
Because he is a legend
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake
Why don't you do arithmetic homework in the jungle?
Because if you do 4+4, you get ate
Why won’t the elephant use the computer?
Because he’s afraid of the mouse
What kind of snack do you have during a scary movie?
I-scream
How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
It waves
Which runs faster, hot or cold?
Hot; Everyone catches a cold
Did people laugh when the lady fell on the ice?
No… but the ice cracked up
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts
Why was school easier for cavemen?
There was no history to study
Why did the M&M go to school?
Because he wanted to be a smartie
Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses to school?
Her students were bright
What has given Mr. Bubbles nightmares since elementary school?
Pop Quizzes
What kind of school do you go to if you’re an ice cream man?
Sundae school
What kind of school do you go to if you’re a giant?
High school
What kind of school do you go to if you’re a surfer?
Boarding School
Where are the Great Plains located?
At the great airports
What do you give to a sick lemon?
Lemon Aid
What do you get when you throw a lot of books in the ocean?
A title wave
Why was the math book always worried?
Because it had a lot of problems
Why did the robber take a shower?
So it would be a clean getaway
Which state does the most laundry?
Washington
Why are maps like fish?
Because they both have scales
What’s the happiest state in the union?
Merry-Land
If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of congress?
Progress
Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
She couldn’t control her pupils
What subject in school is easy for a witch?
Spell-ing
What did the computer do at lunchtime?
It had a byte
What is snake's favorite subject?
Hiss-tory
Why did the teacher write on the window?
To make the lesson very clear
What building has the most stories?
The library
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet
What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear
What do you give to a sick bird?
Tweetment
Two flies are on the porch. Which one is an actor?
The one on the screen
How do fleas travel from place to place?
By itch-hiking
What is a cat’s favorite color?
Purr-ple
Why can’t a leopard hide?
Because it is always spotted
What did the cat have for breakfast?
Mice crispies
What does an evil hen lay?
Deviled eggs
Where to cows go for entertainment?
The moo-vies
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off
Why did the student take a ladder to school?
He/she was going to high school
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ catholic
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vender?
Make me one with everything
What did the drug-dealing duck sell?
Quack
What is the highest road?
The highway
What is round at each end and high in the middle?
Ohio
What is the fastest country in the world?
Russia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d85wp/found_a_list_i_made_a_few_years_ago_wanted_to/
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I like my women like i like my coffee

Under $5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d7uxh/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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My wife hired this nice older woman to help deliver our baby at home, but she showed up to the house in a convertible and with dyed hair.

I think she's going through a midwife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d7rs8/my_wife_hired_this_nice_older_woman_to_help/
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Some people use incognito mode to watch porn.

Just to be safe, I watch porn using Tor through a VPN on my friend's laptop connected to my neighbors wifi.
Which works great until my neighbors find out and tell me to get out of their living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d7rkg/some_people_use_incognito_mode_to_watch_porn/
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Did you hear the joke about the construction?

...hold on I’m still working on it.
Stolen from a friend, who when asked his source, simply replied: “a 5 year old whispered it to me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d7opo/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_construction/
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My friend has a dream to produce a musical porn movie.

I told him it would be hard to find girls who could sing with their mouths full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d7mfj/my_friend_has_a_dream_to_produce_a_musical_porn/
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Which US president was least guilty?

Lincoln. He is in a cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d7ezs/which_us_president_was_least_guilty/
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(Long) A thirsty man got himself lost in the desert...

and was searching for water. After countless hours searching and hoping, he came upon a well with a big opening.
He peered inside... squinted... but couldn't see a thing down there.
He looked around and found a small pebble and tossed it in. He then listened closely for any sign of a splash or the pebble hitting the bottom... but heard absolutely nothing.
He searched again and found himself a large rock. He managed to toss it in without much difficulty. Listened closely... yet again, he heard nothing.
He then decided to go a bit more extreme. He looked around found the most enormous rock in the area. He managed to half drag it, half roll it towards the well... and with all his might heaved it up towards the large opening... and drop it. He strained to hear one more... yet nothing.
Frustrated and disappointed, he tore himself away to find a new source of water but was surprised to see a bleating goat dashing quickly towards him and the well, screaming at the top of its lungs. The man lunged out of the way as the goat jumped in the well and disappeared down it.
Bewildered, the man walked away from the well scratching his head...
After about a 20 minutes' walk, he happened upon an Arab man.
"Do you know where I can find some water?", the man asked the Arab.
"I have a bit here..." the Arab man gave him a small flask which the man accepted gratefully.
The Arab then asked the man, "You know... it's the strangest thing. Did you happen to see a goat around here? I can't seem to find mine."
The man said "Actually yes! I saw one running 20 minutes back and jumping inside a well. Could that have been yours?"
The Arab man relieved, said "No... there's no way that's mine. Mine was tied to an enormous rock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d7e0k/long_a_thirsty_man_got_himself_lost_in_the_desert/
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I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d7dgt/i_told_my_psychiatrist_that_ive_been_hearing/
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At the Butchers

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asked the manager, "Where's John?"
The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found with his dick stuck in the bacon slicer while at work.
Then the man asked, "What happened with the bacon slicer after that?"
The Manager then replied, "I had to fire her too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d7a7m/at_the_butchers/
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How do you pick up a girl from Auschwitz?

With a dust pan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d76yc/how_do_you_pick_up_a_girl_from_auschwitz/
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Africans arrested in Saudi Arabia

A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.
The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:
“You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the prohibition, I will be lenient. Each of you will have a wish before getting the punishment. You start, Togolese.”
Togolese: “I wish that you tie a pillow to my back, before you flog me.” His wish was fulfilled, but the flogging was so strong that the pillow tore into pieces after 25 lashes.
The Nigerian, upon seeing what had happened to the Togolese wished for two pillows on his back but still, the pillows got torn early.
Now the prince turns to the Ghanaian , and says:
“Now, since I am a big soccer fan and you play such beautiful soccer, I will be specially lenient with you. You have two wishes, but choose well.”
Ghanaian says: “First of all I want 100 lashes”.
The Nigerian and the Togolese look at themselves flabbergasted.
The Sultan replies: “I do not understand it, but we will grant you the double number of lashes! And your second wish?”
Ghanaian: “Tie the Nigerian on my back”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d72tq/africans_arrested_in_saudi_arabia/
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What's the difference between a businessman on a tricycle and a homeless man on a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d6ya7/whats_the_difference_between_a_businessman_on_a/
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"Don't get your panties in a bunch" is terrible advice

They're bound to be more expensive when purchased separately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d6xle/dont_get_your_panties_in_a_bunch_is_terrible/
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A Swede and an Italian meet in a pub.

The Italian says, 'I'd rather not talk abut football if you don't mind.'
The Swede replies, 'We could talk about sex.'
'yeah, sex is good.' says the Italian.
The Swede: 'WELL WE CERTAINLY FUCKED YOU.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d6vk0/a_swede_and_an_italian_meet_in_a_pub/
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Can someone help me?

Watt is the unit of power?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d6vff/can_someone_help_me/
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I had a dream that I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d6snn/i_had_a_dream_that_i_was_a_muffler/
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What does a porn star do to stay calm on set?

Pictures everyone in their underwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d6pid/what_does_a_porn_star_do_to_stay_calm_on_set/
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What do you call an Alabama girl who can run faster than her brothers?

A virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d6liu/what_do_you_call_an_alabama_girl_who_can_run/
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A blonde walked into a hairdresser with headphones on...

...And says to the hairdresser, "Do anything with my hair, but don't take the earphones off".
So the hairdresser started to cut but was finding it pretty difficult, so he thinks "What could happen if I took the headphones off?", and he took them off. The blonde dropped dead straight away.
"Oh My gosh" said the hairdresser, puzzled. "What is so special about these headphones?" and he put them on.
Out of the headphones she heard: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d6ikx/a_blonde_walked_into_a_hairdresser_with/
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If Friday was a holiday, what would it be called?

Rushahoma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d6i6c/if_friday_was_a_holiday_what_would_it_be_called/
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Black Friday is coming up, so remember Retail language:

"Need help finding a size?" = Please stop fucking up my display
"I can put that back for you" = you're going to fuck up my display
"Let me hold your items for you" = So you dont leave this somewhere and fuck up a display

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d6dlb/black_friday_is_coming_up_so_remember_retail/
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I once had a job in quality control at a toy factory.

I had to give Elmo two test tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d6cpg/i_once_had_a_job_in_quality_control_at_a_toy/
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Confident genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.
The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."
The idiot says, "Okay."
The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5.
The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"
The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5,000.
The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"
The idiot hands over $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d6896/confident_genius/
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I was gonna tell you all a time travelling joke...

...but you guys didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d5zeg/i_was_gonna_tell_you_all_a_time_travelling_joke/
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A farmhand hits a pig with his truck

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off.
About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the wiggling pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d5yff/a_farmhand_hits_a_pig_with_his_truck/
%
I used to laugh at puberty

Then it hit me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d5wdi/i_used_to_laugh_at_puberty/
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Three men are captured by a tribe whilst adventuring

The tribe chief says to the three men; Bob, Dave and Jim that if they wish to live beyond the day they must go back into the jungle and return with 10 pieces of the same fruit otherwise they'll be skinned and turned into canoes for the tribe.
So off they go. Bob returns first with 10 plums. The tribe chief says, "well done Bob, but that's not all I demand. Now, you must insert all 10 pieces of fruit up your ass without flinching/reacting, otherwise you die."
Bob tries to argue but proceeds to attempt the task handed down to him. He manages to insert 4 plums inside his anus, but cannot muster anymore and let's out an audible gasp and thus the tribe chief slits Bob's throat and tells one of the villagers to make a canoe with Bob's skin.
Dave is the second to return. As he arrives at the village he notices the canoe that was once his friend Bob, and asks the chief what happened. The chief replies, "Bob could not complete the task and so he was killed and made into something useful for the village. You will meet the same fate as him if you too cannot complete the task of inserting 10 pieces of fruit inside your ass hole without flinching or making any noise. So, what fruit did you manage to find?"
Dave then pulls out a bunch of grapes and with a smug smile on his face, begins to insert them one by one into his anus. Now the tribe chief is angry as fuck because he wasn't expecting such a small fruit. Dave is up to his 9th grape and they're sliding up there now like a buttered finger. Just as Dave is about to insert his 10th grape and win his freedom, he bursts out laughing.
The tribe chief looks at Dave dumbfounded. "Why did you laugh?! You were surely free as those grapes were sliding in with ease."
Dave looks up with tears in his eyes from the laughter and says, "I'm sorry chief, but I just saw Him returning with 10 pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d5tf6/three_men_are_captured_by_a_tribe_whilst/
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I may be willing to solve equations..

but graphing is where I draw the line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d5sqf/i_may_be_willing_to_solve_equations/
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What do you call 2 idiots having sex?

I'm not sure, but it's probably fucking stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d5rmr/what_do_you_call_2_idiots_having_sex/
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I got into a one-sided fight with a mop

Wiped the floor with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d5r3p/i_got_into_a_onesided_fight_with_a_mop/
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Me and sex are in a misunderstanding right now....

I just don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d5kze/me_and_sex_are_in_a_misunderstanding_right_now/
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While my city sleeps, I create history...

...In the morning, I delete all of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d57t5/while_my_city_sleeps_i_create_history/
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There are only 2 things I hate:

Cliffhangers and ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d571e/there_are_only_2_things_i_hate/
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What's the difference between Astrology and Astronomy?

About 50 IQ points.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d56n5/whats_the_difference_between_astrology_and/
%
What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d53z6/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
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What do you call a group of musical whales?

An Orcastra!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d51mi/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_musical_whales/
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The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d4z3n/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_all_walk_into/
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What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?

The Romans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d4ykz/what_group_of_people_always_had_the_highest_cell/
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A naked woman robbed a bank..

No one could remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d4sug/a_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank/
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What do you call a computer teacher that hits on his students?

A PDF-ile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d4rkp/what_do_you_call_a_computer_teacher_that_hits_on/
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If a necromancer resurrects secretly gay people

Does he have skeletons in the closet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d4plg/if_a_necromancer_resurrects_secretly_gay_people/
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What do Hitler and EA have in common?

*You are missing the Punchline Pack. Please purchase the Reddit Season Pass to reveal missing content*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d4myq/what_do_hitler_and_ea_have_in_common/
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Little boy: "mommy can I please lick the bowl?"

His mother: " Sorry dear, but you need to flush like everyone else."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d4lqh/little_boy_mommy_can_i_please_lick_the_bowl/
%
Bob walked into a sports bar around 5:58 PM.

He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.  The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?”
Bob said, "You know, I reckon he'll jump.”
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly. The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money.”
Bob replied, "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took her money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d4k7a/bob_walked_into_a_sports_bar_around_558_pm/
%
A guys arrive at a "Mood" themed party...

He has cut a hole in a pear and is wearing it on his penis. The host answers the door, his penis in a carton of custard.
"What the hell are you dressed as?" asks the host.
"I'm deep in dis-pear!" says the guest. "Well I'm fucking dis-custard" says the host, shaking his head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d4hxi/a_guys_arrive_at_a_mood_themed_party/
%
I just read North Korea sentenced Trump to death by hanging for calling Kim Jong-un 'short and fat'.

Fake Noose?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d4hrx/i_just_read_north_korea_sentenced_trump_to_death/
%
My wife asked for a watch for her birthday

I told her the stove already has one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d4hel/my_wife_asked_for_a_watch_for_her_birthday/
%
I would like to thank porn

for getting me through the hard times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d4hdc/i_would_like_to_thank_porn/
%
If reincarnation was real, I'd come back as a table cloth

I'd get laid three times a day and pulled off at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d4b38/if_reincarnation_was_real_id_come_back_as_a_table/
%
Not only was John F. Kennedy's assassination an unexpected thing...

It was also mind blowing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d4b1i/not_only_was_john_f_kennedys_assassination_an/
%
My mate works as a shepherd, but he keeps getting in trouble for showing up late.

Doesn't seem like he's lost any sheep over it though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d47os/my_mate_works_as_a_shepherd_but_he_keeps_getting/
%
I remember the day my son found out the neighbor's python wasn't venomous

he was crushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d44q5/i_remember_the_day_my_son_found_out_the_neighbors/
%
7 hilarious jokes

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.'
Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d44od/7_hilarious_jokes/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalottapuss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d44g9/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
I love long road trips with music..

..Until the acid wear off and i realize i'm in an ambulance with the siren on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3zxu/i_love_long_road_trips_with_music/
%
This wedding is so emotional,

Even the cake is in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3xia/this_wedding_is_so_emotional/
%
My mother always said to remember to love myself at least once every day.

Sometimes I manage twice a day.... Yeah Baby!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3s22/my_mother_always_said_to_remember_to_love_myself/
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I can count the number of times I've visited Chernobyl on the fingers of one hand

It's 14

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3ntk/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_visited/
%
I got arrested at the airport today...

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3nr7/i_got_arrested_at_the_airport_today/
%
I just won a farting contest.

The judges were blown away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3kzh/i_just_won_a_farting_contest/
%
Two Chinese men break into a distillery

One turns to the other and says is this whiskey? The other replies yes, but not a whisky as wobbing a bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3jyi/two_chinese_men_break_into_a_distillery/
%
I saw a beautiful Thai girl on the bus today....

I couldn’t keep my eyes off her, sometimes we would make eye contact and I was look away nervously.
I was going to talk to her but all I could think was “Don’t get a boner, don’t get a boner, don’t get a boner!”
But then she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3ipm/i_saw_a_beautiful_thai_girl_on_the_bus_today/
%
What would happen if two African countries get in a war?

A 3rd World War.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3igw/what_would_happen_if_two_african_countries_get_in/
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How may psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the light bulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3hmv/how_may_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A lot of people cry when they cut onions.

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3grd/a_lot_of_people_cry_when_they_cut_onions/
%
I call my ex-wife ‘Cerebellum,’

rarely in my thoughts, yet always there at the back of my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3gb5/i_call_my_exwife_cerebellum/
%
I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3f6r/i_went_to_an_art_gallery_it_was_60_to_enter_and/
%
Elon's opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...

Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3doz/elons_opening_speech_for_the_tesla_solar_roof/
%
My son saw me slumped over our lawn mower, bawling my eyes out...

He screamed, "Dad! What's wrong!? Are you ok?!"
I said, "Don't worry son, I'll be fine. I was just going through a rough patch..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3btw/my_son_saw_me_slumped_over_our_lawn_mower_bawling/
%
My Dad was always trying to get me to quit smoking marijuana, but I found it strange that he would only encourage me when I was using the toilet.

He'd be screaming from outside the bathroom door, "Shit or get off the pot!" Decisions, decisions...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d3aaq/my_dad_was_always_trying_to_get_me_to_quit/
%
The men in my debate team only want one thing...

And it's fucking discussing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d392h/the_men_in_my_debate_team_only_want_one_thing/
%
Looking for a muzzle for my pet duck.

Don't need anything flashy as long as it fits the bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d387o/looking_for_a_muzzle_for_my_pet_duck/
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Pretentious (OC)

It's not really fair for me to say because I don't know him very well but out of all the numbers I feel like 9 is the most pretentious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d377g/pretentious_oc/
%
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d35ja/interviewer_so_tell_me_about_yourself/
%
My experience from FPS gaming really paid off when my wife wanted to have a baby.

Spray and pray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d35b6/my_experience_from_fps_gaming_really_paid_off/
%
I Am Sikh

Khushwant Singh told a friend:
"Once I was travelling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sardar before. Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady. Her name was Margarita and she belonged to Spain.
During the conversation, she asked, "what are you?"
I   replied, "I am Sikh."
"I am sorry," said the young lady, "hope you get well soon."
To this I replied,"no dear, I am not sick as that of the body, I am Sikh as of religion."
The lady was very pleased and shook hands with me  and said, "it is nice meeting you, I am also sick of religion." "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d324f/i_am_sikh/
%
Why aren't Somalians going to the movies?

They can't keep their chair down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d2pym/why_arent_somalians_going_to_the_movies/
%
Injuries during bull fighting are completely avoidable

All you have to do is avoid-a-bull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d2pw8/injuries_during_bull_fighting_are_completely/
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A woman tells her programmer husband: 'While you're at the store, pick up some eggs.'

He never returned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d2pd4/a_woman_tells_her_programmer_husband_while_youre/
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Louiis CK goes to see his doctor...

Doctor says:
“I have some bad news for you. You have to stop masturbating!”
“Oh no doc! Why? Why?!”
“I’m trying to examine you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d2eil/louiis_ck_goes_to_see_his_doctor/
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What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

Micro trans-action

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d2asp/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_transgender_midgets/
%
Watson walks in on Sherlock in bed with a girl much younger than himself.

As she hastily covers herself and leaves the room Watson looks at her and says
"Jesus, is she in highschool?"
To which Sherlock replies "Elementary, dear Watson!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d289a/watson_walks_in_on_sherlock_in_bed_with_a_girl/
%
Is your booty made of dough...

Cause I knead it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d25uw/is_your_booty_made_of_dough/
%
If Hitler made a YouTube video, what would it be called?

Vine Comp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d1ztz/if_hitler_made_a_youtube_video_what_would_it_be/
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As a humble American citizen, I opened the door for an elderly Japanese man the other day...

As he entered, he smiled at me and said "Sank you!" so I punched him. He shouldn't have brought up Pearl Harbor like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d1yl1/as_a_humble_american_citizen_i_opened_the_door/
%
Son, marry a girl with the same belief as the family.

Dad, why should I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d1uzn/son_marry_a_girl_with_the_same_belief_as_the/
%
How old am I going to be, daddy?

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally’s birthday party, brought her home and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Eagles game.
“Daddy, “she whispered, tugging at my sleeve. “Guess how old I’m going to be next month”.
“I don’t know, beauty,” I said as I slipped on my glasses. “How old?”
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is now 7:30 in the morning. My wife and I have been up with her for nearly 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d1uey/how_old_am_i_going_to_be_daddy/
%
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

Pay attention to whether they see you later or in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d1re0/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_an/
%
Captain Morgan now facing sexual assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question.

Have you had a little Captain in you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d1r1d/captain_morgan_now_facing_sexual_assault/
%
EA to donate 50% of profits from future titles to starving children around the world.

After they make them purchase the postage, packing materials, fuel for the planes, silverware, plates, drinking cups, seasonings,  construct hand out facilities, eating establishments, refuse disposal, environmental studies on said refuse disposal, labor costs and finally any and all expenses from Frank Gaybeau's cocaine induced, hotel filled, 5 figure by the hour escort stuffed full on satanic orgy fest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d1om3/ea_to_donate_50_of_profits_from_future_titles_to/
%
A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.
The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.
He walks over to the Russian, and all the concrete mix is stacked up nice and orderly. The boss tells him "great work!" and moves on.
He walks up to the Mexican and sees that al the wood is stacked in a perfect pile, so he says "wonderful job!" and moves on.
He then looks around and sees that the Korean is missing, and supplies are everywhere. Out of nowhere, the Korean jumps out from behind a pile of dirt and yells "SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d1h0n/a_russian_a_mexican_and_a_korean_all_show_up_to_a/
%
Why are helium, curium, and barium known as the healing elements?

Because if you can't helium.
Or curium.
You gotta barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d1f4w/why_are_helium_curium_and_barium_known_as_the/
%
A man gets pulled over by a cop in Ohio

Frustrated, he reaches for the insurance and registration as the cop slowly approaches the vehicle. The man then starts to reach for his wallet when he realizes he doesn’t have his seat belt on. With a quick look in the rear view mirror he quickly puts his seatbelt on as he gets out his wallet just in time to hear the cop say, “License, registration and insurance please.” The man hands these to the cop and waits. After checking everything out the cop returns and says, “The reason I stopped you was because you were speeding however I’m also going to fine you for not wearing your seatbelt as well.”
Ok I probably was speeding the man replied but as you can see I have my seatbelt on so I shouldn’t be fined for that. This dispute went back and forth when finally the cop stops him and says to the woman sitting silently in the passenger seat, “Ma’am you look like an honest person so tell me did he have his seatbelt on or not?” To which she replied, “Sorry officer but I don’t argue with him when he’s been drinking and I suggest that you don’t either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d1f4u/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop_in_ohio/
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EA sucks.

But doesn't swallow.
They charge extra for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d1evn/ea_sucks/
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My boss touched me inappropriately at work today

But it's okay, i'm self-employed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d1bzl/my_boss_touched_me_inappropriately_at_work_today/
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If a deaf man goes to court for a crime...

Is it still a hearing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d18pq/if_a_deaf_man_goes_to_court_for_a_crime/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,

they would soon find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d185i/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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What did the semicolon get after breaking the grammar law

Two consecutive sentences

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0y86/what_did_the_semicolon_get_after_breaking_the/
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I was reading this survey the other day

And accordion to it, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0xmg/i_was_reading_this_survey_the_other_day/
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A restaurant owner says that he employs a 2-meter tall musician.

The musician was 160 cms tall, just another man exaggerating the size of his pianist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0t6b/a_restaurant_owner_says_that_he_employs_a_2meter/
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I like my women like I like my coffee.

Not at all. Tried one, got burned, waste of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0qrd/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Why are train sets like boobs?

They're both meant for kids, but adults can enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0qfw/why_are_train_sets_like_boobs/
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Why was the paint on the wall so cold?

It needed more coats!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0qf1/why_was_the_paint_on_the_wall_so_cold/
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Granny goes to the doctor's office, suffering from terrible gas.

"Doctor, it's awful, I'm paying gas all the time, but thank the Lord, they don't make any nose or smell bad."
So the doctor gave her a pill and told her to come back the next week, and when she did as he ordered, he asked how things went, and she replied "it's better, I guess... I mean, I'm passing gas as much as ever, but now they're really loud, but at least they don't stink."
To this He replied "Well, now that we've fixed your sense of hearing, let's fix your sense of smell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0p5a/granny_goes_to_the_doctors_office_suffering_from/
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I’ve got the heart of a lion and the eye of an eagle...

And now i’m banned from entering the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0ocl/ive_got_the_heart_of_a_lion_and_the_eye_of_an/
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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0o3r/which_sexual_position_produces_the_ugliest/
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I met a fairy today. She gave me the choice between a huge penis or a great memory...

I can’t remember what happened next though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0nsy/i_met_a_fairy_today_she_gave_me_the_choice/
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On any given day, sexual intercourse takes place 120 million times on earth.

Apparently, I live on the moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0kmw/on_any_given_day_sexual_intercourse_takes_place/
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EA just acquired a new video game license...

Fallout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0kgt/ea_just_acquired_a_new_video_game_license/
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Girls are like resistors...

The more resistance they have, the hotter they are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0kfw/girls_are_like_resistors/
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Two southern belles were sitting on the veranda, drinking mint juleps...

Anna Beth has just returned from a trip to the Big Apple.
Anna Beth says to Ina Jean, *"In New York City, they have MEN who kiss other MEN on their private parts!"*
*"Oh, heavens!"*, says Ina Jean.  *"Whatever do you call such a creature?"*
"Homosexuals" replies Anna Beth.
She goes on, *"In New York City, they have WOMEN who kiss other WOMEN on their private parts!"*
Ina Jean exclaims *"Well, I never!"  "Whatever do you call such a creature?"*
*"Lesbians"* replies Anna Beth.
Lastly, Anna Beth recounts.  *"In New York City, they have MEN who kiss WOMEN on their private parts!"*
*"I do declare!"* says Ina Jean.  *"Whatever do you call such a creature?"*
Slyly looking up from her drink, Anna Beth explains.  *"Honey, I call him* **PRECIOUS**!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0iu3/two_southern_belles_were_sitting_on_the_veranda/
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My first husband was a gynecologist ...

My first husband was a gynecologist.
All he wanted was to look.
My second husband was a philatelist.
My God, do I miss him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0f24/my_first_husband_was_a_gynecologist/
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Why was the dolphin happy?

It found a porpoise in life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0eyx/why_was_the_dolphin_happy/
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A baby's laugh is the cutest thing in the world...

unless you don't have a baby...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0cyz/a_babys_laugh_is_the_cutest_thing_in_the_world/
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An Afghan soldier called me earlier and told me he was in a refugee camp...

...but when he told it to me, he said he was caught between Iraq and a hard place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0cra/an_afghan_soldier_called_me_earlier_and_told_me/
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What do you call two Jewish rabbits?

rabbi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d0bt1/what_do_you_call_two_jewish_rabbits/
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A Man and his wife go into a psychiatrist's office

The man says "Doctor, doctor, My wife is convinced that I'm invisible. Please tell me you can talk some sense into her!"
And the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I can't see you right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7d03ri/a_man_and_his_wife_go_into_a_psychiatrists_office/
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Mom's unintentional dirty joke

One night my brother and I were talking to my mom about how my brothers dog is always on the couch.
Mom: "You need to teach your dog to stay off the furniture when you're here with her, your dad will agree."
Brother: "Dad was the first one to let her get on the couch."
Me: "Wow dad is getting soft in his old age."
Mom: "Oh whatever your father is always soft when you boys aren't around."
Layers of unintentional dirtyness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cztgj/moms_unintentional_dirty_joke/
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So this cowboy buys a new horse...

As he's saddling him up to leave the ranch, the previous owner tells him, "There's only one thing different about this here horse. He was raised by a preacher since he was a pony. If you want him to stop, you say Amen. If you want him to go, you say praise the Lord."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" the cowboy says, "Raised by a preacher. Praise the Lord. Amen." And off he rides, heading for home.
He quickly forgets the instructions though, and before long, the horse is galloping straight for a cliff. "Whoa! Whoa!! WHOA!!!" he yells, but the horse doesn't stop. He's moments away from death when he cries out, "God, please save me, and I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life! I pray in the Jesus' name! AMEN!"
Suddenly the horse skids to a halt, right at the edge of the cliff. Pebbles clatter down into the canyon below.
The cowboy is so relieved, he hollers, "Praise the Lord!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cztds/so_this_cowboy_buys_a_new_horse/
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A man gets pulled over by a cop

"Alright, I'll give you a chance to get out of this ticket, if you answer this question correctly," the cops says.
"Fair enough."
"What has 4 wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel?"
"A car!" He answers.
"Yeah but which one? Honda? Subaru? Jeep?"
"Ok ok, that was unfair, give me another chance."
"Fine," he says, "what has 2 wheels, an engine, and handlebars?"
"A motorcycle!" He answers
"Yeah but which one? Yamaha? Kawasaki? Suzuki?"
"Ok ok, how about this, I ask you a question, if you get it right, I'll take the ticket, if not, I get to leave."
"Fair enough," the cop answers.
"Ok, what has a mini skirt, 2 legs, stands on the side of the road, and says "hey babe" when you walk by?"
"Well that's easy - a whore," the cop answers.
"Yeah but which one? Your mom? Your sister? Your daughter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7czn04/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
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If looks could kill...

I'd be a stimpak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7czirg/if_looks_could_kill/
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Do you know why keyboards are always so tired?

Coz they have two shifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7czg8k/do_you_know_why_keyboards_are_always_so_tired/
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i met a blind prostitute once

you really gotta hand it to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7czflw/i_met_a_blind_prostitute_once/
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If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple.

If you were a vegetable, I'd visit you in the hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7czerz/if_you_were_a_fruit_youd_be_a_fineapple/
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What is the fastest way to become a millionaire?

Step 1: become a billionaire.
Step 2: buy an EA game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cz70l/what_is_the_fastest_way_to_become_a_millionaire/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of negative 100...

A solid 10; but imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cz2ub/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_negative/
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I find that the best place to keep a spare condom is in my wallet

because that's where EA keeps trying to fuck me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cyy1c/i_find_that_the_best_place_to_keep_a_spare_condom/
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A fat British man walks into a store...

... He sees a box of pills labeled "Lose 50 Pounds Instantly, if it doesn't work we'll give you your money back!". Excited and with nothing to lose, the man promptly purchases the pills and gobbles them down on the spot, but to not effect. Angrily, he tells the cashier it didn't work and he wants his money back. The cashier replies "Yes it did, you have the receipt as proof."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cyw3d/a_fat_british_man_walks_into_a_store/
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Target practice

Out on the shooting range in an area where hunting is forbidden, I encounter two chinese gentleman curious about what happens at this place.
They politely ask if this is where they can shoot some rabbits. No no, I say, shooting rabbits is not legal here. You are only allowed to practice firing at the designated targets, you know for fun.
"Ahhhh" they remark. Taking a seat, staring at the field ahead of them. Guns on the ground next to them. Puzzled, I ask if they're going to take a few shots at the targets.
"Yes" they reply, "We wait for rabbit to move in front of target".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cyr86/target_practice/
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My 1st grader got home from school and asked me

"Dad, is 'hell' a bad word?"
And I told him, "Yes, that's a very bad word. You shouldn't even know about that word. Don't be saying that word, ok?"
My son agreed to not say it, but then asked, "But hello isn't a bad word, right?"
So I had to explain to him that "hell" and and "hello" were two different words with completely different meanings.
A few days later I got a call from his teacher saying I needed to have a conversation with my son concerning his language. She said my son won't stop saying "shitto"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cyqnv/my_1st_grader_got_home_from_school_and_asked_me/
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What is having sex with an ice dildo like?

American beer. Because it's fucking water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cypg7/what_is_having_sex_with_an_ice_dildo_like/
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Overheard in line for a movie...

Theater employee: "That's an R-rated movie. When's your birthday?"
Teenage boy: "October 12th."
Employee: "What year?"
Boy: "Every year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cyog5/overheard_in_line_for_a_movie/
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Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cymvv/why_did_the_baker_have_brown_hands/
%
Kevin Spacey's new job

is at EA. They heard he likes to fuck 14 year olds over and over, just like them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cymqg/kevin_spaceys_new_job/
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So, there I was in church.

The Father was in the confessional, listening to some guy list his sins for the week, and I was doing my usual job of sweeping up. But suddenly, the Father pokes his head out of the confessional and says, "Brendan! C'mere!" I approach and, in a hushed tone, ask him what's wrong.
"I gotta go take care of something real quick! Can you handle confessions for me? It's easy!" He shoves a giant book into my hands. "They'll tell you what they did wrong, and you just read the phrase for it out of this book! They won't know the difference." I reluctantly oblige him. I take a seat in the confessional, and the person next to me begins telling me what he did wrong. "Forgive me Father, for I had sex out of wedlock. I received oral sex from a promiscuous young woman last night." Flipping through the book, I cannot find anything about oral sex. Panicking I poke my head out of the confessional, to see that a young boy, probably about 10 has resumed my job of sweeping. "Hey, Kid!", I say, holding up the book of confessions. "What's the Father give for Oral sex?"
The child replies, "Oh, ten bucks and candy bar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cymn4/so_there_i_was_in_church/
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How does Bill become Law?

Stockholm Syndrome......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cyk0v/how_does_bill_become_law/
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How Do Trees Go On The Internet?

They log in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cyi6b/how_do_trees_go_on_the_internet/
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Roy Moore ordered a 12 year old Scotch

She didn't like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cyi2m/roy_moore_ordered_a_12_year_old_scotch/
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Judge Roy Moore.

I sure as hell am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cyff8/judge_roy_moore/
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If EA was a female prostitute, she would charge you $80 to come over

Then show up wearing 50 dresses and charge you for each one that you take off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cye4h/if_ea_was_a_female_prostitute_she_would_charge/
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The biggest difference between men and women...

Is what comes to mind when the word "Facial" is used.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cyadq/the_biggest_difference_between_men_and_women/
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With all these celebrities getting outed for molesting kids, it's only a matter of time before Jackie Chan is exposed.

Like, do you have any idea how many times he told Jaden Smith to jacket off in the karate kid?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cy8so/with_all_these_celebrities_getting_outed_for/
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What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?

A trip without the kids!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cy843/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_lsd_and_birth_control/
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Overheard this in a bookstore

Guy 1: "Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?"
Guy 2: (After some thinking) "I don't know, what?"
Guy 1: "The outside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cy59z/overheard_this_in_a_bookstore/
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What do you called a confused Panda?

Bamboozaled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cy28d/what_do_you_called_a_confused_panda/
%
What do Eggs Benedict and blowjobs have in common?

You don't get either one at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cy07n/what_do_eggs_benedict_and_blowjobs_have_in_common/
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I helped Jack off a horse.

Jack seriously needs to learn how to climb down a horse by himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxzu1/i_helped_jack_off_a_horse/
%
I think I can read minds

because I always know a BMW is changing lanes before they use their blinker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxy92/i_think_i_can_read_minds/
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, they will hold it up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxvz7/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What did the child say when he bumped his knee?

Ow, my kidney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxtup/what_did_the_child_say_when_he_bumped_his_knee/
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What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxtgk/what_do_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.
Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxt3c/comedian_jeff_dunham_has_been_accused_of_sexual/
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Trump is actually a communist

When he said "Grab em by the pussy," he meant "Seize the means of reproduction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxt00/trump_is_actually_a_communist/
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By the grace of god

A woman suffered her husbands loud, rancid, and long-winded morning farts long enough. She warned him on multiple occasions that he’s going to fart his guts out one day. With thanksgiving approaching, she hatched a plan. She woke up at 4 am thanksgiving morning to prepare for that nights dinner. After cleaning the turkey, she took the intestines and slipped them into her sleeping husbands boxers. A few hours pass and she hears a loud yell followed by footsteps around the room upstairs. After a period of what sounded like grunting, her husband finally creeps down the steps, as pale as a ghost.  She asks if he’s okay and he responded “honey, you were right and I should have listened to you. It actually happened. But by the grace of god and two fingers, I got them all back in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxpcu/by_the_grace_of_god/
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You never heard the Ephemeral joke?

Oh well. It was funny while it lasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxp77/you_never_heard_the_ephemeral_joke/
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Why is a computer security specialist’s favorite breakfast food?

Salted hash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxnl3/why_is_a_computer_security_specialists_favorite/
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What is a pirates favorite letter? You would think its R, but actually

It be the C!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxmsr/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter_you_would_think/
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So I hear EA has removed all refund options from their website, and now customers have to call them directly. But hey:

"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment from successfully navigating our automated phone menu."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxexy/so_i_hear_ea_has_removed_all_refund_options_from/
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What's better than roses on your Piano?

Two lips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxepc/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
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So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..

"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.
"That'll be $1" answers the barman.
"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"
"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxcea/so_the_ceo_of_ea_walks_into_a_bar/
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Last time we had a white Christmas, I made snow angels...

I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.
(Stolen from Jimmy Carr)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cxa50/last_time_we_had_a_white_christmas_i_made_snow/
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I went for a job interview at EA Games today.

The interviewer said to me, “The second part of your resume is missing.”
I said, “For the second part, you have to pay $50.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cwzdn/i_went_for_a_job_interview_at_ea_games_today/
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Did any news come out of Attorney General Jeff Sessions testimony?

“I don’t recall.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cwx1a/did_any_news_come_out_of_attorney_general_jeff/
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Atheists don't solve exponential equations

because they don't believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cwr34/atheists_dont_solve_exponential_equations/
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What side did Hitler take once the nazis lost World War 2?

Suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cwpo0/what_side_did_hitler_take_once_the_nazis_lost/
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3 men died & went to heaven...

One day, 3 men died & went to heaven.
"Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" he asked the third man.
"Agnostic."
"Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked.
The secretary replied:-
"Oh, the Catholics are in room 8 & they think that they are the only
ones here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cwp6o/3_men_died_went_to_heaven/
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What do you call aged pasta?

Ravioldi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cwkxl/what_do_you_call_aged_pasta/
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Where do old people go to the bathroom?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cwjv7/where_do_old_people_go_to_the_bathroom/
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I can't believe after all this crap they're still together.

Person: Who?
Me: My butt cheeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cwgkk/i_cant_believe_after_all_this_crap_theyre_still/
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I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym this morning.

That’s 5 years in a row now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cwef9/i_cant_believe_i_forgot_to_go_to_the_gym_this/
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I bought a shelf at Ikea.

Took me all day to put the Fjälkinge thing together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cwblh/i_bought_a_shelf_at_ikea/
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All we need now is for someone to come forward and say EA has been sexually harassing them

Actually, that applies to all of us. They've been fucking us for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cwafu/all_we_need_now_is_for_someone_to_come_forward/
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Why did the spy cross the road?

Because he never really was on your side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cw83a/why_did_the_spy_cross_the_road/
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Met a prostitute who said she'll do anything for $50...

Guess who just got Darth Vader unlocked...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cw74x/met_a_prostitute_who_said_shell_do_anything_for_50/
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Do you know why it takes one sperm out of a million to fertilize one egg?

Because no man will stop and ask for directions...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cw0yo/do_you_know_why_it_takes_one_sperm_out_of_a/
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Why did Roy Moore go to Walmart?

He heard that girl's pants were half off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cw076/why_did_roy_moore_go_to_walmart/
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Efficient librarian

A German walks into a library and asks for a book on ‘War’.
Librarian denies and tells him ‘you will lose it.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cvyx0/efficient_librarian/
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A black boy walks into the kitchen...

Where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cvvhn/a_black_boy_walks_into_the_kitchen/
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Caesar walks into a bar

and orders a martinus.
The bartender says, "Don't you mean a martini?"
Caesar says, "If I wanted a double, I would have ordered a double!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cvukl/caesar_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between EA and the bag of shit?

EA wouldn't give you the bag for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cvsxh/whats_the_difference_between_ea_and_the_bag_of/
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Why do golfers bring an extra pair of socks?

In case they get a hole-in-one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cvny1/why_do_golfers_bring_an_extra_pair_of_socks/
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Life without love is meaningless...

But what is love without life?
NECROPHILIA!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cvn8h/life_without_love_is_meaningless/
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I found my first pubic hair today.

Normally things like this don't bother me.
But it was in my Big Mac.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cvirg/i_found_my_first_pubic_hair_today/
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While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cvial/while_picking_up_a_turkey_for_this_thanksgiving_i/
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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?'
'Well,' he said, 'I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cvgko/after_35_years_of_marriage_a_husband_and_wife/
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I told my suicidal friend that time heals all wounds, and he agreed with me.

His body was later found at the bottom of Big Ben.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cvd6v/i_told_my_suicidal_friend_that_time_heals_all/
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Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cvckl/brought_a_girl_home_from_a_bar_last_night_and/
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Flossing used to be a pain in my ass.

But now that i do it properly it's just a pain in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cvasn/flossing_used_to_be_a_pain_in_my_ass/
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Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!

Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cv9pj/wow_honey_i_never_thought_our_son_would_go_that/
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Einstein married his cousin elsa.

even his marriage was relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cv3wn/einstein_married_his_cousin_elsa/
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This joke doesn't have a punch line

so you can cross it safely!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cv03k/this_joke_doesnt_have_a_punch_line/
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I'm seriously considering asking my ex-wife to remarry me...

But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cv037/im_seriously_considering_asking_my_exwife_to/
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I have lots of jokes about unemployed people

but none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cuyub/i_have_lots_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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My girlfriend's dad is so religious, he won't let us sleep together...

Which is a shame, because he's a really attractive man...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cuyru/my_girlfriends_dad_is_so_religious_he_wont_let_us/
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What's the difference between EA and North Korea?

North Korea hasn't failed as many launches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cuycf/whats_the_difference_between_ea_and_north_korea/
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What's the difference between Louis CK and a homeless man.

The homeless man doesn't ask if it's ok to masturbate in front of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cuwra/whats_the_difference_between_louis_ck_and_a/
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"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cuu2c/its_a_boy_david_shouted_its_a_boy_with_tears/
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My football team went on a massive losing streak.

I saw them running naked around my town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cusif/my_football_team_went_on_a_massive_losing_streak/
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I Wish, I Was A Newspaper

Wife: “I Wish, I Was A Newspaper, So I Would Be In Your Hands All-Day”
Husband: “I Too Wish, That You Were A Newspapers, So I Could Have A New One Everyday“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cupfm/i_wish_i_was_a_newspaper/
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What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cuobg/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
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What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them into a tyre and call it a good year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cun68/what_do_you_do_with_365_used_condoms/
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Things you shouldn't do at a funeral:

The corpse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cul0p/things_you_shouldnt_do_at_a_funeral/
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I have come to the realization that I am, in fact, a man trapped inside a woman's body…

In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have put the lube next to the glue…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cujf1/i_have_come_to_the_realization_that_i_am_in_fact/
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Don't have phone sex

You might get hearing AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cuduw/dont_have_phone_sex/
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Prayer can solve so many problems but manners can also prevent.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 & asks which ones he wanted.
“Well,” he says, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while now & she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner at her parents house & then we’re going out. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack!”
The young man makes his purchase and leaves, later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He politely asks if he may give the blessing & they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over & says, “you never told me that you were such a religious person.”
He leans over to her and says, “you never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cuc5k/prayer_can_solve_so_many_problems_but_manners_can/
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What does the r in women stand for?

Rights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cubpy/what_does_the_r_in_women_stand_for/
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Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his orders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cu8sv/did_you_hear_about_the_butcher_who_backed_into/
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I have a step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cu8nv/i_have_a_step_ladder/
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What do you call a short psychic running from the law?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cu6gx/what_do_you_call_a_short_psychic_running_from_the/
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A Clever & Smart Husband

I Sent A Text To My Wife Last Night: “Hi Babe I’m At The Pub With Some Lads, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favourite Dish Before I Return.”
I Sent Another Text: “Babe I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I’m Getting You A New Car”
She Text Back In One Second: “OMG Really?”
I Replied: “No I Just Wanted To Make Sure You Got My First Message.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cu67k/a_clever_smart_husband/
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What is a Horse without legs?

It's still a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cu180/what_is_a_horse_without_legs/
%
Trump and his son DT Jr. bump into each other in the hallway.

"Pardon me dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ctqs9/trump_and_his_son_dt_jr_bump_into_each_other_in/
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given the context, "hard at work" is something your boss would either really love or really hate for you to be

because erections

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ctq0k/given_the_context_hard_at_work_is_something_your/
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My friend proposed to his girlfriend

She is Chinese. So he learned to ask her in Mandarin. When she answered, he stared at her blankly.
He forgot to learn the words "yes" & "no".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ctodp/my_friend_proposed_to_his_girlfriend/
%
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ctlf9/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
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What do you call a blowfish when she gets married?

A fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ctjkj/what_do_you_call_a_blowfish_when_she_gets_married/
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Why did the illiterate man with the 11 foot penis get dumped by his girlfriend?

TLDR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cti6x/why_did_the_illiterate_man_with_the_11_foot_penis/
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I'm sick and tired of EA's microtransaction on Battlefront 2.

An old habit never DICE, I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cthjj/im_sick_and_tired_of_eas_microtransaction_on/
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I ran some tests the other day about my really thick semen

The results were hard to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ctgjh/i_ran_some_tests_the_other_day_about_my_really/
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How do you make gold soup?

24 carrots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ct7hw/how_do_you_make_gold_soup/
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I just bought some incel olive oil

Since "virgin" is good, and "extra virgin" is better - I figured this stuff would be out of this world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ct6ne/i_just_bought_some_incel_olive_oil/
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Little boy didn't do his chores!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ct6cb/little_boy_didnt_do_his_chores/
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Two whales drinking in a bar

One turns to the other and says "Yewwwwwoooooooooooowwwwwahhhhhmmmmmmm".    The other whale says "Geez Bob, you sure are hammered".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ct6ap/two_whales_drinking_in_a_bar/
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Yo mama so big

_She doesn't get periods, she gets exclamation marks._

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ct64c/yo_mama_so_big/
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I called the child abuse hotline..

Because I found out EA was fucking my kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ct5zr/i_called_the_child_abuse_hotline/
%
What has 4 wheels and flies?

a garbage truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ct5ap/what_has_4_wheels_and_flies/
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I heard married women sometimes grow an appendage out of their back side as they age.

Maybe it’s just an old wives tail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ct4hk/i_heard_married_women_sometimes_grow_an_appendage/
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What’s EA’s greatest contribution to society?

Inspiring OC on r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7csyg0/whats_eas_greatest_contribution_to_society/
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What's China's #1 Best Selling Cookbook?

101 Ways to Wok your Dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7csyey/whats_chinas_1_best_selling_cookbook/
%
farmer joe and the farm animals

One day farmer joe was watering his farm
a chicken came along and said "how are you farmer joe"
the farmer said "im very good, do you want to help me water my farm"
the chicken agreed and helped the farmer water his farm
The next day Farmer joe and the chicken were watering the farm.
a cow came along and said "how are you farmer joe"
farmer joe said "im good, can you help me water my farm"
the cow agreed and helped farmer joe and the chicken.
on the third day farmer joe, the chicken and the cow were watering the farm.
a pig came along and said "how are you farmer joe"
farmer joe said "im very happy, will you help me water my farm?"
the pig said "sure" and help farmer joe and the chicken and the cow to water the farm
on the fourth day farmer joe, the chicken, the cow and the pig were watering the farm. a horse came along and said "how are you farmer joe" farmer joe said "im great , but can you help me water my farm"
the horse agreed and helped them all water their farm
on the fifth day farmer joe, the chicken, the cow the pig, and the horse were watering the farm. a dog came along and said "how are you farmer joe" farmer joe said "im great , but can you help me water my farm"
the dog agreed and helped them all water their farm
on the sixth day the chicken, the cow, the pig the horse and the dog were watering their farm. "oh no" said joe i have run out of water. "we must go to the store" said the chicken, the cow, the pig the horse and the dog. they were walking to the store and stopped at the road to look left right then left again but the chicken didnt look; he just crossed. "why did the chicken cross the road?!" farmer joe exclaimed. "to get to the other side" replied the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7csxl6/farmer_joe_and_the_farm_animals/
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Yo mama's so fat...

if she had psychic abilities, they would call her a *large.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7csvps/yo_mamas_so_fat/
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My preacher started a sermon with this joke the other week that was actually pretty funny and i thought i would share it with you guys

Alright so in this small rural town there lived two brothers. All of their lives they went around doing horrible things to people that ranged from Vandalism, Stealing, Battery, etc. One day one of the brothers dies and the other brother goes to the town preacher to arrange his funeral and asks him,
"For my brother's funeral can you do me one favor?"
"Sure, and what might that be?"
"I'll pay you $10,000 if you call my brother a saint."
The preacher agreed and word broke like wildfire in this small community that the preacher would be calling the worst person in the town's history a saint, so the day of the funeral came and people were lined out of the door to hear what the preacher was going to say. Once everyone had arrived the preacher started his speech
"Ladies and Gentlemen we are gathered here today to mourn upon the most wicked, the most hateful, and maybe the worst person i have ever met in my life, but compared to his brother that is sitting in front of me. He was a saint."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cssk6/my_preacher_started_a_sermon_with_this_joke_the/
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My girlfriend is really supportive but she's not very bright. One time, during a fight, I asked her "What's your IQ, anyway?!"

She shouted back defiantly "20/20!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7csqdu/my_girlfriend_is_really_supportive_but_shes_not/
%
A man takes his horse to a blacksmith

The man asks the blacksmith, "Are you any good at shoeing horses?"
The blacksmith replies, "No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cspvg/a_man_takes_his_horse_to_a_blacksmith/
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If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me unattractive..

Suddenly, they’d find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7csnbo/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_a_girl_found_me/
%
EA Sports™ - It's in the game.

jk its in the dlc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cslb9/ea_sports_its_in_the_game/
%
What do you call an Asian guy with a video recorder?

Phil Ming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7csk5s/what_do_you_call_an_asian_guy_with_a_video/
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What's the best part about dating a homeless girl?

Drop her off wherever you want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7csft5/whats_the_best_part_about_dating_a_homeless_girl/
%
Why did EA Games cross the road?

Please purchase a loot crate for a chance at credits to purchase the punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7csecf/why_did_ea_games_cross_the_road/
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Today I gave a student detention for being tardy

I was then fired from my job as a special ed. teacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7csebo/today_i_gave_a_student_detention_for_being_tardy/
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It's a double standard, If a girl sleeps with 10 guys she a slut

But if a guy does it he's gay, definitely gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7csdq6/its_a_double_standard_if_a_girl_sleeps_with_10/
%
I kind of understand where anti-vaxxers coming from.

They were surely vaccinated as children, and look how retarded they turned out to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7csa4p/i_kind_of_understand_where_antivaxxers_coming_from/
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You know what they say: if it ain't broke

Cheap people don't recommend it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cs9ky/you_know_what_they_say_if_it_aint_broke/
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Did you see that Roy Moore had a high profile interview on Dateline NBC?

What was unfortunate for him is that it was with Chris Hansen, who started it by asking him to take a seat over there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cs81t/did_you_see_that_roy_moore_had_a_high_profile/
%
Where do sheep go on vacation?

The baaaaaahamas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cs5je/where_do_sheep_go_on_vacation/
%
I hate it when people say 'size doesn't matter'.

It makes me feel as if I have this huge penis for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7crzw6/i_hate_it_when_people_say_size_doesnt_matter/
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Did you hear Kevin Spacey is writing a song?

The entire thing is written in A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cryew/did_you_hear_kevin_spacey_is_writing_a_song/
%
My girlfriend told me to come over because no one was home.

I went over and no one was home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7crxns/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_come_over_because_no_one/
%
Why did hitler kill himself?

He received his gas bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7crvai/why_did_hitler_kill_himself/
%
A feminist has just stolen my garden gate

I was going to shout at her but I thought she might take a fence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7crugc/a_feminist_has_just_stolen_my_garden_gate/
%
The EA community team has now provided a feeling of pride and accomplishment to about 520,000 gamers...

By allowing us to Downvote them into Reddit hall of shame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7crt0f/the_ea_community_team_has_now_provided_a_feeling/
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People often make fun of me for swallowing helium

But I rise above it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7crr11/people_often_make_fun_of_me_for_swallowing_helium/
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What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

Cucumber, duh. What were you thinking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7crppa/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that...

[This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7crph1/eas_microtransaction_policy_is_so_bad_that/
%
What's God's favourite guitar chord?

G-sus.
---
What's the devil's favourite chord?
Dmin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7crld1/whats_gods_favourite_guitar_chord/
%
A guy came up to me the other day, and shoved a gun into my face. He demanded my 'money or my life'.

Guess who the burned-out pencil pusher with a mortgage and a loveless marriage is now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7crik2/a_guy_came_up_to_me_the_other_day_and_shoved_a/
%
Apple recently purchased an island for their new HQ

They're calling it iLand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7crhim/apple_recently_purchased_an_island_for_their_new/
%
Knock, Knock. Who's there? I did up.

I did up who?
AHAHAHA. YOU DID A POO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7crh7k/knock_knock_whos_there_i_did_up/
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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7crfhz/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets....

I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cre42/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_downvote_eas_comment/
%
Two Newfies are flying a plane

Two Newfies were flying a plane and were getting ready to land.
The pilot says to the co-pilot  “Alright let’s get ready to land! Follow procedure and give me the half flaps!”
The plane continues on it’s path towards the runway. The pilot notices that the runway looks a little short and says to the co-pilot  “We got ourselves a small runway! Give me 3/4 flaps and deploy the landing gear now!”
The plane continues to get closer to the runway and the pilot notices that the runway is VERY small.
The pilot, now very nervous says to the co-pilot “Holy shit this runway is small! Cut the engine and prepare for IMMEDIATE landing!”
The pilot and co-pilot cut the planes engine and work together and the plane comes to s screeching halt on the runway.
After catching their breath, the pilot and co pilot look left, then right. Finally the pilot says
“Damn, this is one small runway. Sure is wide though!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cr9ha/two_newfies_are_flying_a_plane/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cr46p/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_satanist/
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I used to think that the brain was the most important organ.

But then I thought, look what's telling me that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cr1li/i_used_to_think_that_the_brain_was_the_most/
%
Michael J Fox is the next hollywood star accused of sexual assault.

His victim said "his hands were everywhere"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cqy79/michael_j_fox_is_the_next_hollywood_star_accused/
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RP - Why did episodes 4,5,6 come befor 1,2,3?

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cqrkj/rp_why_did_episodes_456_come_befor_123/
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I'm 1/16th Cherokee...

Not by ancestry, but because I got into a terrible accident in my Jeep and the doctors were unable to remove all the shrapnel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cqpnm/im_116th_cherokee/
%
WARNING TO ALL LORRY DRIVERS

Researchers for the Swansea Authority found over 200 dead crows near M4 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cqpal/warning_to_all_lorry_drivers/
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If 2 vegans are upset with eachother, is it called beef?

Or would it be a brussel bout?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cqnlk/if_2_vegans_are_upset_with_eachother_is_it_called/
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A little Irish math test

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” Paddy says? “Dat’s easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9” says Paddy.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. “Ere ye go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere ye go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers,
“A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cqk03/a_little_irish_math_test/
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An american, a dutch and an italian walk into a bar...

... and dont watch the World cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cqi0p/an_american_a_dutch_and_an_italian_walk_into_a_bar/
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My doctor told me to ejaculate in a jar and bring it in the next day...

So I come back the next day with an empty jar. "What happened?" The doctor asked.
"Well," I reply. "I tried with my right hand, then my left hand, but it didn't work. So my wife tried with her left hand, then her right hand, then her mouth, but it didn't work. So then my neighbor tried with her right hand, then her left hand, then in between her legs, but it STILL didn't work!"
"You asked your neighbor?!?" The doctor exclaimed.
"Yea, I couldn't get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cqd8g/my_doctor_told_me_to_ejaculate_in_a_jar_and_bring/
%
When I was little I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body...

Then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cq9jp/when_i_was_little_i_felt_like_a_man_trapped_in_a/
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What did the constipated mathematician do to solve his problems?

Work it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cq4x9/what_did_the_constipated_mathematician_do_to/
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Why were high-waisted jeans first invented?

So you can deal with those long ass days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cq36d/why_were_highwaisted_jeans_first_invented/
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Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cpz1x/russia_started_a_new_website_that_tracks_down_and/
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I called the Child Abuse Hotline

A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cpwu1/i_called_the_child_abuse_hotline/
%
I never make mistakes.

I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cps6t/i_never_make_mistakes/
%
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A-flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cppu2/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_down_a/
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If you're a criminal and you go camping with EA, don't forget to bring something to sleep in...

... or they'll make you pay for the extra con tent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cppa1/if_youre_a_criminal_and_you_go_camping_with_ea/
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Super man was flying over metropolis and saw Louis Lane (nsfw)

Laying on her roof naked. Super man thought “I’m so fast I can fly down get me a little Yoo-hoo from my lady love  and be gone before anyone sees me.” So Superman does just that, flys down gets him some action, kisses her on the cheek and flys off before anyone knows he is there. Louis being totally freaked out by the commotion yells “what was that?” The invisible man says “idk but he tore my butt up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cpoqf/super_man_was_flying_over_metropolis_and_saw/
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What is Beethoven doing now?

De-composing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cpo52/what_is_beethoven_doing_now/
%
Worst job I ever had?

Door to door door salesman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cpno8/worst_job_i_ever_had/
%
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?

Too much sax and violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cpnh3/why_shouldnt_you_let_kids_watch_big_band/
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(NSFW) Two parents take their 4 year-old daughter to the zoo...

As they pass the elephants the daughter points at one and asks, “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, seeing her daughter point at the elephant’s erect penis, says, “It is his trunk.”
“Not that, that thing,” says the daughter pointing at the penis.
The mom quickly responds, “ It is his tail.”
“No not that, what is the thing in the middle?”
Flustered and embarrassed, the mom says, “It’s nothing!” She then passes the daughter to the dad.
The daughter asks the dad the same question. First he says, “It is the trunk.” When she asks again he responds, “It is his trunk.”
“No daddy, what is that in the middle?”
The dad decides to tell her the truth. “Well sweetie, that is his tallywhacker.”
The daughter, slightly confused, then says, “Mommy said it was nothing.”
“Well sweetie, your mom is spoiled.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cpkz3/nsfw_two_parents_take_their_4_yearold_daughter_to/
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Three guys go to a convention

And they all want to chip in to get a luxury suite on the 75th floor and they do so they have a great day at the convention and get back to the hotel and realize that the elevator is broken so they would have to walk up 75 flights of stairs so the one guy says"OK I got an idea for the first 25 floors I'll tell jokes since I'm good At telling jokes and since Jim is really good at singing he'll  be singing for the next 25 floors and Frank is great at telling scary stories he'll tell them for the final 25 floors so they all agree to this idea so for the first 25 floors they were cracking jokes, for the next 25 floors Jim was singing and everyone was having a good time so it gets to Frank's turn and he says"for my first scary story I left the keys to the room in the fucking van"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cpgs6/three_guys_go_to_a_convention/
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An old man and an old woman went on a vacation to Las Vegas every year...

Each time as they walked past the helicopter rides the woman would say to the man "please please please take me on a helicopter ride!"
Every year the old man inquired about the cost of ride. Every year $100 was the response from the operator.
Being a frugal old man he would look over at his aging wife and say "I would take you up honey but you know - $100 is $100."
This took place year after year after year. The operator got to know the frugal old couple and felt sorry for the little old lady.
One year he finally said "I tell ya what - I'll make you a deal. I'll take you up for free as long as you don't make a single sound. If you shriek or scream or even gasp then you pay me $100."
They had a deal and the frugal old couple was sure they were about to get a free helicopter ride.
Once in the operator pulled out all the stops. He dove and ducked and dodged the clouds. He pulled the craziest maneuvers known to helicopter enthusiasts. Rolls and loops and stops and gos. Not a sound from the back.
Finally he gave up and landed the helicopter. He looked back at the little old lady and proclaimed "I thought for sure I had you! I can't believe you didn't make a single sound!"
The little old lady, white as a ghost, looked up and said "Well, to tell you the truth, I was going to say something when my husband fell out, but you know, $100 is $100."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cpaq9/an_old_man_and_an_old_woman_went_on_a_vacation_to/
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My music teacher asked me a question. I said, "Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift."

"Excuse me?" he replied, hesitantly. "I was asking if you knew 'sheet' music."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cp09h/my_music_teacher_asked_me_a_question_i_said_miley/
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MY DEAF WIFE

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there
is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational speaking tone to see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response..
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for
dinner?"
Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, it's chicken"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cosbp/my_deaf_wife/
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A man calls the sherriff’s office

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's
hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs , but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd... did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7corab/a_man_calls_the_sherriffs_office/
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I applied to be a sperm donor and was asked by the nurse if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said 'I'm good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7comz8/i_applied_to_be_a_sperm_donor_and_was_asked_by/
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What's the difference between a Jew, a pizza, and a Reddit viewer?

One practices a monotheistic religion, one is an Italian dish, and the other was expecting a holocaust joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cof5x/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_a_pizza_and_a/
%
What's Forrest Gump's password?

1Forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7co98h/whats_forrest_gumps_password/
%
Yo mama's so ugly

People break into her house just to close the shades

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7co52s/yo_mamas_so_ugly/
%
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do, but I used to, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7co43n/i_used_to_steal_mitch_hedberg_jokes/
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With all the stories about how everyone's being sexually harassed

...I'm starting to think I might be ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7co3z9/with_all_the_stories_about_how_everyones_being/
%
I never told anyone about my date with a norse God.

They wanted to keep it Loki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7co0bs/i_never_told_anyone_about_my_date_with_a_norse_god/
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Perfect girls are found at every corner on the Earth.

Unfortunately the Earth is round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cnz8o/perfect_girls_are_found_at_every_corner_on_the/
%
I got kicked out of the bar for taking a dump...

Apparently they didn't need any more bar stools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cnyyt/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_bar_for_taking_a_dump/
%
What's old, white, leans to the right and might pinch your ass if you get too close?

George HW Bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cnx0h/whats_old_white_leans_to_the_right_and_might/
%
Before EA announced their plans for SW:Battlefront 2, I was pretty sure they were just a greedy company. That now has changed.

Now I am definitely sure they are just a greedy company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cnwp4/before_ea_announced_their_plans_for_swbattlefront/
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Why do Americans suck at calculus?

White people have never been good at integration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cnuh8/why_do_americans_suck_at_calculus/
%
NSFW 16 year old boy comes back home from a party strutting and with a huge grin on his face.

His dad sees this and comments: "Well, looks like someone had a good time tonight."
The kid replies: "You could say that - I just lost my virginity tonight!"
Dad, bursting with pride at his little man, says: "Well come on over, sit next to your ole' dad and tell me about it."
The kid falls silent for a moment and says: "I... can't sit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cnu7t/nsfw_16_year_old_boy_comes_back_home_from_a_party/
%
Did you hear about the big fight Steve Harvey had with his wife?

It was a family feud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cnpxa/did_you_hear_about_the_big_fight_steve_harvey_had/
%
What type of rocks are hipsters?

Igneous rocks, because they were magma before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cnp8u/what_type_of_rocks_are_hipsters/
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A staff member once said..

The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different heroes.
As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the Open Beta and other adjustments made to milestone rewards before launch.  Among other things, we're looking at average per-player credit earn rates on a daily basis, and we'll be making constant adjustments to ensure that players have challenges that are compelling, rewarding, and of course attainable via gameplay.
We appreciate the candid feedback, and the passion the community has put forth around the current topics here on Reddit, our forums and across numerous social media outlets.
Our team will continue to make changes and monitor community feedback and update everyone as soon and as often as we can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cnnhq/a_staff_member_once_said/
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A drunk Minnesotan decides to go ice fishing

He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."
The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cnlft/a_drunk_minnesotan_decides_to_go_ice_fishing/
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What’s the difference between EA and North Korea?

North Korea didn’t fuck up as many launches as EA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cnjfp/whats_the_difference_between_ea_and_north_korea/
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I have told my blone girlfriend to get outside the car and check if the turn signal works

She: working, not working, working, not working, working...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cnis4/i_have_told_my_blone_girlfriend_to_get_outside/
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One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back.

"Ok, send me your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cnfsc/one_day_a_little_boy_wrote_to_santa_clause_please/
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American's won't stand for Russian interference..

"Only American billionaires are allowed to undermine our Democracy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cne0h/americans_wont_stand_for_russian_interference/
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Why should you wear your nicest outfit if you're going to be attacked by birds?

Because you'll want to be impeccable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cndic/why_should_you_wear_your_nicest_outfit_if_youre/
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Why is North Korea excellent at drawing straight lines?

Because of their supreme ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cnaxo/why_is_north_korea_excellent_at_drawing_straight/
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The girl I'm dating is half Polish and half German.

I asked her if she ever got the urge to invade herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cn9rn/the_girl_im_dating_is_half_polish_and_half_german/
%
I was in a taxi yesterday and the cab driver was telling me how he loves his job because he is his own boss and no one can tell him what to do

Just as he finished speaking I told him to turn left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cn8pl/i_was_in_a_taxi_yesterday_and_the_cab_driver_was/
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I would never date an archeologist.

I don't think I could deal with someone digging up the past all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cn7es/i_would_never_date_an_archeologist/
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Dads are like boomerangs

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cn5m4/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
Received a call from a Recruiting Consultant.

She said to me "Sir, I have two openings for you."
I replied "Yes, I know."
There was a long silence and then she shouted "Asshole."
I replied "I prefer the other one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cn5kj/received_a_call_from_a_recruiting_consultant/
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The Lesbians Nextdoor

The lesbians nextdoor asked me what I wanted for Christmas.
I said I wanna watch.
I was disappointed when they bought me a Rolex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cn4j3/the_lesbians_nextdoor/
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The baby is great. My wife and I just started potty training.

Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set an example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cn4h3/the_baby_is_great_my_wife_and_i_just_started/
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Gay porn is like kissing your sister

I love kissing my sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cn3hh/gay_porn_is_like_kissing_your_sister/
%
A man and wife see a drunk guy

“Ah, look at Patrick.” says the wife.
“Who’s Patrick?” says the husband.
“The drunk guy, you know, we were a couple 10 years ago and he proposed to me back then. But I rejected him.”
“Good to see he’s still celebrating.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cmvzq/a_man_and_wife_see_a_drunk_guy/
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I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home,  I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cmu4c/i_used_to_sell_security_alarms_door_to_door_and_i/
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I bought a GPS and one of the voices on it is "Fleetwood Mac".

So I started using it, but it just keeps telling me to go my own way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cmrqi/i_bought_a_gps_and_one_of_the_voices_on_it_is/
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If you refuse to go to sleep...

Does that mean you're resisting a rest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cmohi/if_you_refuse_to_go_to_sleep/
%
A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator

He asks, _"Do you serve lawyers here?"_
The bartender says, _"Yes, of course we do!"_
The man says, _"OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cmoen/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_alligator/
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The Blind Man

A woman is in a bath and a man knocks in her door, the woman screams out 'Who is it?' and the man goes 'The Blind Man Ma'am!'
The woman figures he's blind and welcomes him inside.
The man walks into a bathroom and says 'Nice tits! Now what window needed blinds?'
My mother told me this joke, been a fun memory and thought I should share ;P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cmj30/the_blind_man/
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I've written a poem about the sounds made by dogs...

It can only be read if you scan it first.
It's a bark ode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cmfgt/ive_written_a_poem_about_the_sounds_made_by_dogs/
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Have you heard about the PR disaster at EA over Battlefront 2?

*60,000 credits*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cmaqc/have_you_heard_about_the_pr_disaster_at_ea_over/
%
What's the difference between a nun and a woman in the bath?

One has a soul full of hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cm2gv/whats_the_difference_between_a_nun_and_a_woman_in/
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A cop sees a kid playing in the sandbox

So he goes and asks him:
"What are you building there?"
Kid: "A policeman."
Cop: "And what are you making out of?"
Kid: "Sand, water and dog shit!"
The cop gets angry and hits him with the nightstick over the head and the boy starts crying.
The next day the cope sees the kid again, playing in the sandbox. So he goes again and asks him:
"What are you building there?"
Kid: "A policeman."
Cop: "And what are you making out of?"
Kid: "Sand, water and dog shit!"
Again the cop gets angry and hits him with the nightstick over the head and the boy starts crying.
The third day the cop goes directly to the sandbox, sees the kid and as usual he asks him:
"What are you building there?"
Kid: "A fireman."
Cop: "And what are you making out of?"
Kid: "Sand, water!"
Cop: "But aren't you using any dog shit?!"
Kid: "Neh, it would just become a cop!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cm1tu/a_cop_sees_a_kid_playing_in_the_sandbox/
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Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7clzpq/scientists_found_out_that_crabs_hear_through/
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Manchester United

A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road, dressed in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the man.
However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said
"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,"
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the fucker with the door!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7clw5c/manchester_united/
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7clpud/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_baby/
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Why did the redneck dump his girlfriend after finding out she's a virgin?

If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7clnr1/why_did_the_redneck_dump_his_girlfriend_after/
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Growing old

First you forget names;
Then you forget faces;
Then you forget to zip up your fly;
And then you forget to unzip your fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7clm7h/growing_old/
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What is green and turns red when you press a button?

A frog in a blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cljcf/what_is_green_and_turns_red_when_you_press_a/
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marriage certificate

Wife: “What are you doing?” Husband : Nothing.
Wife : “Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour.”
Husband : “I was looking for the expiration date.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7clerh/marriage_certificate/
%
A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked

"You need to stop masturbating so much," the optometrist says.
"Why?" asks the man. "Is it going to make me go blind?"
The optometrist looks around and says "no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cla7p/a_man_is_at_the_optometrist_getting_his_eyes/
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picnic bus crashed

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors.
Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks.
When asked he replied miserably… “My wife missed the bus”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cl96k/picnic_bus_crashed/
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What is the biggest moth called?

A mammoth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cl8xl/what_is_the_biggest_moth_called/
%
Did you hear about the farmer that used cow dung as a fleshlight?

That shit was fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cl8i7/did_you_hear_about_the_farmer_that_used_cow_dung/
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How is life like a jar of jalapeños?

What you do today could burn your ass tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cl6u0/how_is_life_like_a_jar_of_jalapeños/
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I just left my job, couldn't work for that man anymore after what he said to me

He said, "You're fired".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cl5p5/i_just_left_my_job_couldnt_work_for_that_man/
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I told two twins their matching outfits are cute...

"Did your mom buy you matching clothes?" I asked politely.
To which they answered, "We're not twins and could we see your license and registration please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ckxrt/i_told_two_twins_their_matching_outfits_are_cute/
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A woman calls her husband one day...

A woman calls her husband one day to see why he's late coming home from work.
"Well honey, you know that jewelry place we stopped by that one time, where you saw that necklace that you said you liked more than anything you'd ever seen before?"
"Yes?"
"Yeah... I'm at a bar across the street from there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ckvla/a_woman_calls_her_husband_one_day/
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Husband and wife

were having dinner at a fancy restaurant…
As the food was served, Husband said:
“The Food looks delicious, let’s eat.”
Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That’s at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ckvbi/husband_and_wife/
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A young girl comes home one day

And runs straight to her mum
"mummy look! A boy gave me $20 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"
The mum replied
"honey, he's just doing that so he can see your underwear. Don't fall for their tricks!"
The next day the girl comes home with $50
"mummy look! The same boy gave me $50 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"
The mum replied
"didn't i tell you not to! He's just doing that to see your underwear!"
The girl responded
"don't worry mum, i took my underwear off this time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ckv5r/a_young_girl_comes_home_one_day/
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What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to the military?

An arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ckurd/what_do_you_call_someone_who_sells_prosthetics_to/
%
Whose the best team in the NFL this year?

The injured reserve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ckkj1/whose_the_best_team_in_the_nfl_this_year/
%
A salesman walks into a bar and and asks the female bartender what the specials are...

She says it’s $5 for a club sandwich and $20 for a bj. Salesman looks at her and and asks her “do you give hand jobs?” To which she responds “Yes that’s $15.”
Salesman looks and her, slips her a $10 and says “that’s $5 for the sandwich and another $5 for you to wash your hands before you make it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ckjb9/a_salesman_walks_into_a_bar_and_and_asks_the/
%
Nsfw. Two potato's in a field. Which one is the prostitute?

The one that says Idaho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ckgun/nsfw_two_potatos_in_a_field_which_one_is_the/
%
Where do Orcs go to school?

Uruk-Hai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ckgfl/where_do_orcs_go_to_school/
%
For all those people that didn’t know that some Latin American countries don’t primarily speak Spanish...

You better Belize it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ckepj/for_all_those_people_that_didnt_know_that_some/
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What did Louis CK call his style of management where he interacts with each employee on an individual basis?

Different Strokes for Different Folks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cke5r/what_did_louis_ck_call_his_style_of_management/
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Why did the DJ get fired from the supermarket?

He kept dropping the beets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ckboi/why_did_the_dj_get_fired_from_the_supermarket/
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What do you call a Chinese man's pubic hair?

His low- mane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ck8gm/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_mans_pubic_hair/
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I love having a GPS...

Because now I have two women telling me how to drive.
-my dad ladies and gentlemen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ck6ur/i_love_having_a_gps/
%
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet ?

Because they spend years at C !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ck6u0/why_does_it_take_pirates_so_long_to_learn_the/
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A boy is pulling a wagon up a hill

One day on the way home from the store, a boy was pulling a wagon up a hill. The hill was very steep and the boy was extremely tired. Halfway up the hill he sees a priest.
The boy asks the priest,  “at church you always says Jesus is always with me, is that true?”
The priest replies “Of course it’s true, Jesus is everywhere”
The boy stops and thinks for a minute, finally he says “so Jesus is everywhere? on this hill? in my wagon?”
The priest replies “yes, as I said he is everywhere, but why do you ask?”
The boy says “I was wondering why my wagon is so damn heavy! Tell Jesus to get out and help me push!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ck59i/a_boy_is_pulling_a_wagon_up_a_hill/
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How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

100 - 1 to change it and 99 to sing about how good the old one was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ck4o9/how_many_folk_singers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A lawyer walks into a courtroom without a shirt

Lawyer: "Can we please postpone this trial?"
Judge: "Of course, how can we start the trial when you've forgotten your lawsuit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ck138/a_lawyer_walks_into_a_courtroom_without_a_shirt/
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How long does a Congressman serve?

Depends on his sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ck0cb/how_long_does_a_congressman_serve/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

I hate coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cjzkz/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
I don’t always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cjzh3/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?

In a communest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cjz09/where_does_a_socialist_bird_lay_its_eggs/
%
water can solve all your problems, want to lose weight, drink mor water, want to wake up, splash want water on your face, someone getting on your nerves,

drown them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cjyu7/water_can_solve_all_your_problems_want_to_lose/
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So a farmer wakes up one morning and looks out the window and sees his prize rooster laying in the middle of the barnyard stiff as a board with buzzards circling overhead.

With his only rooster dead, he decides to go to the market to buy a new rooster. At the market he sees a stall with a very nice looking rooster and he asks the seller how much he wants for the rooster and the seller tells him $1000. The farmer is absolutely shocked at this price, but the seller tells him, _"This is the most amazing rooster you'll ever see. If he doesn't fuck all the hens, not only will I give you your $1000 back, I'll pay you $5000."_
The farmer realizes that this is too good of a deal to pass up, so he decides to buy the rooster. When he brings it home, he sets it down in the barnyard and tells the rooster, _"Listen here. I have a lot of hens, but there is no hurry. My last rooster worked himself too hard and died. So just take it easy and do your thing."_
The rooster is off like a bullet and he runs to the hen house and fucks every single hen. He dashes to the pond and fucks all the ducks. He's just a blur around the farmyard fucking every animal he can. The farmer is in awe at the rooster and says to himself, _"Wow, this really is the most amazing rooster ever!"_
The next morning, he wakes up and sees the rooster laying in the middle of the barnyard, stiff as a board, with buzzards circling over head. _"Oh no!"_ He yells and falls on his knees next to the rooster. _"Why did you overwork yourself so hard! I told you to take it easy!"_
The rooster opens one eye and points at the buzzards and whispers, _"Shhh, They're getting closer!"_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cjww5/so_a_farmer_wakes_up_one_morning_and_looks_out/
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Nixon's disease

The First Lady starts having trouble in her lady areas, so she visits the gynecologist.
The gynecologist takes her into the exam room and asks her what she's having trouble with, and she notes an itching sensation.
So the doctor looks under a magnifying loupe and sees that she has a case of the crabs.
Now he just has to break the news to her.
"Oh, God. How on earth am I gonna tell the First Lady she has crabs?"
He thinks.
So, after a minute or so of awkward silence, the doctor sighs and says
"I'm very sorry ma'am, but you appear to be suffering from nixon's disease"
"What's that?" She asks
"Well, you have bugs in your Oval Office".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cjv4u/nixons_disease/
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Steve and Jason have their car break down on a deserted country road. [NSFW]

It’s late at night, there is no cell reception and they see only one house for miles surrounded by corn fields so they walk over and ring the doorbell. A disgusting old, wrinkly lady answers the door and asks them what they want.
“Our car broke down and we need to call a tow truck but we don’t have any reception. Can we please use your phone? the guys asks.”
Living by herself, the lady has been extremely horny and is really excited to see two young guys and decides to take advantage of the opportunity.
“I’ll let you use my phone but only if you stay the night and one of you agrees to have sex with me,” she says.
The guys gag at the thought given how old and disgusting she is but they don’t see any other option so they agree. After drawing staws, Steve loses.
With a grin, the lady tells Steve he’ll be in bed with her and Jason can sleep out on the porch.
As the lights go out, Jason lays down on the porch feeling bad for Steve but knows it needs to be done to get home. After a little while he gets really hungry and starts looking around for some food. Just as he’s about to go pick some corn, he hears a thump as an ear of corn lands on the porch. It’s perfect temperature and loaded up with butter and a pinch of salt. Starving, he quickly devours it. Before he can finish, another piece lands on the porch like the one before it so he quickly eats that, too. This continues for a while until Jason is stuffed and passes out trying not to think about the suffering Steve must be enduring.
In the morning, Steve wakes Jason up and says, “come on, let’s get the hell out of here.” Jason is surprised to see Steve looking fine after what must have been a traumatic night in the old lady’s bed. Curious, he asks “how are you not more messed up? I’m not sure I could have made it through the night but you look completely fine.”
Steve says, “I was about to hurl when the lady started rubbing my body and talking dirty. I tried to think of something I could do to get out of it but knew that if I didn’t satisfy her we couldn’t get home. With one hand on her body, I frantically searched for something with the other and, thankfully, found a stack of corn near the bed. I grabbed one and pleasured her with it until it was hot and dripping wet then threw it out the window and grabbed another. I must have gone through 20 ears before she was finally satisfied!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cjtvi/steve_and_jason_have_their_car_break_down_on_a/
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I don't understand why Ice Cube hates the police so much...

They are a really good band

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cjq8o/i_dont_understand_why_ice_cube_hates_the_police/
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I just sat down to write a joke about my ADHD.

Oh wait, a Buzzfeed quiz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cjq1x/i_just_sat_down_to_write_a_joke_about_my_adhd/
%
A kid is throwing rocks at a can in a park

He misses the first shot and says:
"Fuck, I missed!"
The priest from a church that is right in front of the park hears him, walks up to him and says:
"Son, you must not curse or God will punish you..."
The kid doesn't listen to him and replies:
"Yeah, whatever"
He keeps on throwing the little rocks at the can and he misses again, so he says:
"Fuck, I missed!"
The priest approaches him again and says:
"Son, I told you, you must not say bad words, or God will punish you..."
"Yeah, whatever" replies the kid.
He continues to throw the rocks and he misses once again:
"Fuck, I missed!"
The priest is approaching him again, when all of the sudden, the sky turns black and a giant storm appears.
"I told you God would punish you!"
And then, a lightning strikes the priest in the head and reduces him to ashes.
Then God says:
"Fuck, I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cjorp/a_kid_is_throwing_rocks_at_a_can_in_a_park/
%
Light travels faster than sound!

That's why some people appear bright until they talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cjna7/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
No matter how unreliable your mental math skills...

You can always count on your fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cji3v/no_matter_how_unreliable_your_mental_math_skills/
%
A young man moved from his parents home

into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.  As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.  After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."  He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.  Now completely nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural.  I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cj8s6/a_young_man_moved_from_his_parents_home/
%
Where did the milkman go when he died?

The creama-torium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cj8mn/where_did_the_milkman_go_when_he_died/
%
Why won’t cannibalistic children eat homosexuals and cripples?

Because kids don’t like to eat fruits and vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cj5v3/why_wont_cannibalistic_children_eat_homosexuals/
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TIL that Nikola Tesla threw the bomb that killed Archduke Franz Ferdinand, sparking WWI...

Whoops, wrong Serb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cj4nf/til_that_nikola_tesla_threw_the_bomb_that_killed/
%
What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common?

They both think,”My moms gonna kill me”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cj1yt/what_do_pregnant_teenagers_and_their_babies_have/
%
If the letter x is silent

It’s because it’s a little cross

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cj13j/if_the_letter_x_is_silent/
%
My friend told me to sing at his funeral.

He wants people to know there's something worse then death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cizbw/my_friend_told_me_to_sing_at_his_funeral/
%
What do you call a forest with an extra tree?

A fivest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cixr7/what_do_you_call_a_forest_with_an_extra_tree/
%
How did the Captain Hook die?

He scratched his balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7civ7p/how_did_the_captain_hook_die/
%
How Did The Hipster Burn His Mouth?

He ate it before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7civ2h/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
What do boobs and the sun both have in common?

You can stare at both longer with sunglasses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ciuwh/what_do_boobs_and_the_sun_both_have_in_common/
%
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just beat the shit out of the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ciqgu/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
Interviewer: so what can you bring to the company?

Interviewee: my biggest weakness is probably not being able to listen properly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cioy1/interviewer_so_what_can_you_bring_to_the_company/
%
A man walks into a bar

He promptly orders 12 shots and starts to drink them as fast as he can "geez bud why are you drinking so fast?" Asked the bartender "if you had what I had you'd be drinking fast too" the man replied "well what do you have?" asked the bartender the man finished his last drink before saying " 75 cents"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cioma/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cinl6/if_you_ever_feel_like_your_job_is_meaningless/
%
My dad asked me: "Son, what has four legs and doesn't breathe?"

I said "You're not fooling me again dad, a chair"
He answered "No, your dog died"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cilf6/my_dad_asked_me_son_what_has_four_legs_and_doesnt/
%
The cost of dropping your phone on the floor

If you drop your iPhone on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 149$.
If you drop your HTC on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 200$.
If you drop your Nokia on the floor the cost of getting the floor repaired is 2000$.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cig8z/the_cost_of_dropping_your_phone_on_the_floor/
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How to get to heaven

A Sunday school teacher asked her class the question how do we get to heaven?
She then asked, “Can I be nice to my neighbors and go to church every Sunday and get into heaven?”
The class replied, “No.”
She said, “Okay, can I keep my house clean and help the poor then get into heaven?”
The class again replied, “No.”
She asked, “Then how do we get to heaven?”
A boy stood up a said, “You need to be dead!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cic9w/how_to_get_to_heaven/
%
Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ci5ok/coworker_asked_me_if_batman_who_is_a_regular/
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Study something you like and you will never have to work a single day

Because you won't find work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ci186/study_something_you_like_and_you_will_never_have/
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I burned my finger on my computer processor.

It MHz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7chxnh/i_burned_my_finger_on_my_computer_processor/
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How did the milk introduce itself at the Spanish party?

Soy milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7chxkv/how_did_the_milk_introduce_itself_at_the_spanish/
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Heaven

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God,  I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the  ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7chqi5/heaven/
%
What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7chpqs/what_has_two_legs_and_bleeds/
%
What's a rabbi's favorite martial art?

Jew-jitsu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7choso/whats_a_rabbis_favorite_martial_art/
%
What has a bottom at its top?

A leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7chn78/what_has_a_bottom_at_its_top/
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Woops sorry about that

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7chmrz/woops_sorry_about_that/
%
If I had a drop of beer for every time I made a bird pun..

I'd have toucans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7chktp/if_i_had_a_drop_of_beer_for_every_time_i_made_a/
%
A captain is about to lead his troops into battle.

"Porter," says the captain, "I want you to bring my red jacket."
"Why your red jacket, Sir?" replies the porter.
"Well, you see..." the captain explains, "I wear my red jacket into battle so that during the fight, when I get injured, my men don't see me bleed and lose morale."
After the battle, the captain returns triumphantly with his men, and they spend the rest of the night celebrating. The next day, the captain learns of an impending counterattack by the enemy of which his army has no chance of winning.
Knowing this, the porter asks, "Captain, should I bring your red jacket?"
"Yes..." the captain responds, and after a moment's hesitation, he adds, "...and bring my brown pants as well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7chkso/a_captain_is_about_to_lead_his_troops_into_battle/
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What does every black joke start with?

A white guy looking over his shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7chhth/what_does_every_black_joke_start_with/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put on the goddamned wrong sock this morning...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7chhnq/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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Mexican train killers...

..have loco motives!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7chefe/mexican_train_killers/
%
Marital struggles.

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed-Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7chdf7/marital_struggles/
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I could easily work for EA...

I’ve got everything required, primarily I’m great at disappointing people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7chcur/i_could_easily_work_for_ea/
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Why did the musician get sent to jail?

For fingering A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7chcnf/why_did_the_musician_get_sent_to_jail/
%
A man walks into a bar with a fish.

He then walks to the bar and starts talking to the barman. The man claims that his fish can play the most amazing piano pieces, and could make everyone who listened cry. The barman didn't believe him, so the man asks for a wager. If the fish could play the piano, he would get a free drink. The barman agreed, and the man went over to the piano. He took the fish out, which promptly played the most amazing music. Everyone in the bar went silent, and when the fish had finished most of them were in tears. The man went over to the barman which was amazed! He gave him his free drink, and when he had finished, the man says to the barman that he also has a frog which can sing magnificent songs. He again wagers the barman that if his frog can sing, he can have free drink. He then takes a frog out of his pocket, puts it on a stool, and the frog starts to sing. The song is marvellous, and everyone in the bar again stops and listens to the song. And again, the man walks over to the barman for his drink. But before he can reach the bar, a man approaches him offering to buy the frog for £500. The barman shouts out in horror that he could make millions from the frog, and its worth at least a thousand times that. The man ignores him and sells the frog. He walks over to the bar with his money and starts to drink his drink. The barman-in shock-asks him why he sold the frog for such little money! The man replied "The fish is a ventriloquist".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ch4wf/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_fish/
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I don't like sidescrolling games on pc...

most of the time it's just d-pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ch4b4/i_dont_like_sidescrolling_games_on_pc/
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A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home."

I went over. Nobody was home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ch381/a_girl_phoned_me_the_other_day_and_said_come_on/
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I started writing an abortion joke

But it never fully developed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ch35z/i_started_writing_an_abortion_joke/
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Did you know Hellen Keller had an amusement park in her backyard?

Neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ch0ji/did_you_know_hellen_keller_had_an_amusement_park/
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How can Finland be one of the happiest countries in the world with such a high suicide rate?

All the miserable people kill themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cgyib/how_can_finland_be_one_of_the_happiest_countries/
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Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cgwf2/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_fruit_punch/
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette replies, “My sister’s blonde, she’s a slow reader.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cgtto/two_sisters_one_blonde_and_one_brunette_inherit/
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Do you have a phobia of intruders sneaking into your home?

You're not alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cgq2n/do_you_have_a_phobia_of_intruders_sneaking_into/
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Science tip: You can differentiate between an alligator and a crocodile...

...by paying attention to whether it sees you later or in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cgmmv/science_tip_you_can_differentiate_between_an/
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I'm a great comedian

My whole life is a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cgmf2/im_a_great_comedian/
%
You know how geese always fly in a V shape, and one side of the V is always longer than the other? Ever wonder why that is?

It's because there's more geese on that side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cghso/you_know_how_geese_always_fly_in_a_v_shape_and/
%
My girlfriend was raving about our neighbors Marble Countertops.

I was unimpressed, but maybe I just took them for Granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cghrw/my_girlfriend_was_raving_about_our_neighbors/
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Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cgghd/whenever_i_see_two_lovers_names_carved_into_a/
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What's the difference between you and your father?

One of you came in to your mother and the other came out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cgfi7/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_your_father/
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I wondered what my parents did to pass time when they were younger.

I asked my 19 brothers and sisters but they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cgfg2/i_wondered_what_my_parents_did_to_pass_time_when/
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Why aren’t Koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koala-fications

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cgeu0/why_arent_koalas_actual_bears/
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How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, we are efficient and humourless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cgdyl/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.
Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end, he finishes his drink and decides to ask this guy what the deal is.
"Sir!" he says. "What is it that you're guarding back there?"
"Not guarding anything," the dude replies.
"Surely you are! I've seen you belt the crap out of six people! Is it money? Or alcohol?"
"Neither of those," the guy replies.
"Is this a show of manliness?"
"It's not that either."
"So what is it then? And why do you keep leaping backwards and forwards? You look exhausted!"
The guy points to the floor, where the dude sees a thin, black line drawn in sharpie.
"This is the punch line," he says. "And it's been drawn out way too long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cg8mr/a_dude_sits_in_a_pub_watching_this_guy_guarding_a/
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How do you leave Vegas with 1 million?

Come with 2 million

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cg7ot/how_do_you_leave_vegas_with_1_million/
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Can you imagine going to your girlfriend’s prom at 32?

Well neither could Roy Moore. He preferred freshmen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cg6gs/can_you_imagine_going_to_your_girlfriends_prom_at/
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Any last words?

Three criminals get the death penalty - the method of execution is by electric chair.
&nbsp;
On the day of the execution, the first criminal sits in the chair. The guard asks him: "Any last words?", to which the criminal says: "I believe in God and I know for sure that He will protect me from death". The lever gets pulled and nothing happens. The guards believe that he was  in fact saved by God and let him free.
&nbsp;
The second criminal also gets seated and they ask him too: "Any last words?". He replies: "I studied at Hardvard Law School, and I know that the god of justice and law will save me from death". They pull the lever, nothing happens, so they let him go too.
&nbsp;
The third criminal is next. When in the chair, they ask him too: "Any last words?". He says: "I graduated from technical college and I know that as long as those two plugs aren't plugged in, there will be no executions today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cg60n/any_last_words/
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A man is walking through his local mall and sees a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he's never seen a Mexican bookstore before.
He browses the store before finally asking the clerk "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policy with Mexico?"
The clerk replies "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"
The man replies "Yeah, that one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cg2ry/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and_sees/
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A farmer gets a letter

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.
"Dear Ronald J. Kse,
This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.
Thanks, your neighbors"
Now, Ronald had really enjoyed last year's party, so he was delighted to be the host for this year.
After a grand day of eating, drinking, and merrymaking, All of Ronald's neighbors left - without helping clean up.
"That's fine, its just one party, and I've done the same other years" said Ron.
Fast forward the next year, Ron was looking forward to this year's harvest, and the celebration that would follow.
After attending this year's anonymous vote, he gets another letter in the mail.
"Dear Mr. Kse, After the amazing time everyone had last year, the vote was decided again for you to be the host! We look forward to seeing you again, and thank you."
Ron sighs, but thinks "Yeah, last year's party was pretty great. I guess the cleanup wasn't too bad. No worries."
Again, he gathered with his neighbors, and they feasted and drank themselves silly... but there were twice as many people this year. Friends, family, friends of family were all invited...
The cleanup was far worse this year. "But," Ron thought, "there's no way I'll get it three years in a row."
Next year, Ron's sister was visiting, and went with him to check the mail. She handed him a very lavish envelope, garnished with golden filigree and laden with caligraphy.
She exclaimed "Wow! This is beautiful! It must be something very wonderful and important!"
"No... I've seen this before... It's another fucking reap host..." said R. Joe Kse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cg1to/a_farmer_gets_a_letter/
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A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

After the airplane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for whiskey which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather let a dozen whores rape me than let alcohol touch my lips"
The Irishman then handed his drink back and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cg1ad/a_mormon_and_an_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
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3 scientists are praising how far along their country's advancement has come...

An English, Canadian, and Australian scientist are all praising how far along their along their country's scientific advancement has come.
The Australian scientist says "We've come so far, we took the hand of a man, built a body around it, and now he's out looking for a job."
The Canadian scientist said "That's nothing, we took a finger of a man and built a body around that, and now he's out looking for work."
The English scientist said "Come on guys, we took just a single fingernail of a man, built a body around that, and now he's looking for a job."
An American scientist over heard this conversation and walks up to the group. "I'm sorry, but we took an asshole of a man, built a government around him, and now everyone's out looking for work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cfzov/3_scientists_are_praising_how_far_along_their/
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Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A: One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cfxoh/q_what_is_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
%
When Halloween is over

And you see the girl you got head from is still dressed up as a guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cftgn/when_halloween_is_over/
%
What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?

If you don't know stay away from my house!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cfsbn/whats_the_difference_between_toilet_paper_and/
%
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cfmdt/why_is_christmas_just_like_a_day_at_the_office/
%
Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson ?

Neil Armstrong walked ON the Moon and Michael Jackson had sex with kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cflc8/whats_the_difference_between_neil_armstrong_and/
%
What do you call an old man with a Pinocchio fetish?

A Geppettophile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cfhz5/what_do_you_call_an_old_man_with_a_pinocchio/
%
I just dropped my brand new phone into my beer...

Do you think, I can still drink it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cfhsk/i_just_dropped_my_brand_new_phone_into_my_beer/
%
I used to have a job at the calendar factory.

I got fired for taking a couple days off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cffqk/i_used_to_have_a_job_at_the_calendar_factory/
%
I finally found a machine at the gym that lets older guys date younger women who come to work out!

They just installed an ATM in the lobby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cfdvv/i_finally_found_a_machine_at_the_gym_that_lets/
%
Never trust a constipated person

They're full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cfbp3/never_trust_a_constipated_person/
%
What's the difference between an oral and anal thermometer?

Taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cf9wl/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_anal/
%
A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn't a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.
Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the "You didn't see anything" talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw. The Air Force fuels up the man's plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.
Later that day, the man's plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people in the plane. When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells: "Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cf8ba/a_plane_is_spotted_trying_to_land_at_area_51/
%
Man with his blonde wife on a road trip and then a police officer stops them...

"License and registration please!" Says the police officer.
"But why did you stop us," says the husband.
"You've been running over 100 kilometers which is the limit," replies the officer.
"Did you make a mistake?" Says the husband, "I am sure i wasn't going over the limit".
"But darling you were going at least 120 kilometers" the blonde wife responds.
"Also one of your lights does not work. Did you know that? "
"No, I did not know it, maybe it burned down during our trip," says the husband.
"You've known it for a month that the light is burned. Don't you remember that you told me? "Says the blonde wife.
"You were also not wearing your safety belt and i will have to write that down too" adds the police officer.
"Dear Sir, when you stopped us, I took the belt off. I was wearing it during our trip. "
"But darling, I've never seen you wear your safety belt" again the blonde spouse interrupts.
The husband got really angry and shouts to his wife:
"Shut up already! You make things worse! "
"Does your husband always talks to you like that my lady?" says the officer.
And she answers :
"No, no, my dear police officer, he does this only when he is drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cf6ua/man_with_his_blonde_wife_on_a_road_trip_and_then/
%
Met Roy Moore at a bar once...

Chatted him up about wanting to hook up with twenty-nine year olds.
He looked at me with disbelief and asked "how are you going to do all twenty at once?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cf5xz/met_roy_moore_at_a_bar_once/
%
What did the mirror say to his son?

I can really see myself in you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cf1x2/what_did_the_mirror_say_to_his_son/
%
I heard that if you drink every day, it means you're an alcoholic...

...so now, I only drink at night...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ceybl/i_heard_that_if_you_drink_every_day_it_means/
%
Have you heard about that new TV program about origami?

It’s paper view...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cetd0/have_you_heard_about_that_new_tv_program_about/
%
When I was a kid, I asked my dad what "gay" meant

He told me it meant "happy," but he could tell the answer didn't sit right with me.
I explained "the kids at school told me it's when a guy has sex with another guy."
He nodded and shrugged. "Yeah, it's the only thing that makes me happy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ces12/when_i_was_a_kid_i_asked_my_dad_what_gay_meant/
%
My blind girlfriend told me I got a big dick

I guess she's just pulling my leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ceo4u/my_blind_girlfriend_told_me_i_got_a_big_dick/
%
Whats worse then finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cenfy/whats_worse_then_finding_a_penis_drawn_on_your/
%
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7celv6/a_taxi_passenger_tapped_the_driver_on_the/
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I call this poem Old Women's Knickers

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Ethels are green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cej8x/i_call_this_poem_old_womens_knickers/
%
How do Jamaica?

I don't know, Alaska

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ceif5/how_do_jamaica/
%
NSFW What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?

Popeye kicked the shit out of him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ced1w/nsfw_what_happened_when_jesus_went_to_mount_olive/
%
What did the caveman say after he got bit by a cat?

Me ow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cebjk/what_did_the_caveman_say_after_he_got_bit_by_a_cat/
%
Why did Lieutenant Uhura tone down on the use of extreme fetishes in the bedroom?

Because William Shatner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ce9uk/why_did_lieutenant_uhura_tone_down_on_the_use_of/
%
"Where did you put your Pepto?"

"None of your bismuth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ce9ne/where_did_you_put_your_pepto/
%
Why do vegan insist on telling you they are vegan?

They can’t bite their tongues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ce9b9/why_do_vegan_insist_on_telling_you_they_are_vegan/
%
Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ce15v/is_there_someone_on_this_plane_who_is_man_enough/
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What do Louis Ck and Steve Martin have in common?

They both want you to watch The Jerk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cdys6/what_do_louis_ck_and_steve_martin_have_in_common/
%
On the first day of the deer hunting season

a hunter fell out of a deer stand and broke both his legs.
"Why couldn't this happen on my last day of hunting?!" the hunter cried to the doctor.
"It did," the doctor replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cdxqa/on_the_first_day_of_the_deer_hunting_season/
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What's a Russian's favorite form of comedy?

Tsarcasm :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cdx1h/whats_a_russians_favorite_form_of_comedy/
%
How can you tell when a politician is lying?

Their lips will start moving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cdv18/how_can_you_tell_when_a_politician_is_lying/
%
Icarus arrives at the airport.

Ahead of him, a husband and wife shepherd their two children, a boy and girl, toward their gate.
"Dad, can I have a taco before the flight?" The boy asks.
The father sighs, relenting. "All right."
Three hours later, Icarus lands. His father waits outside, ready to greet him.
"Good to see you!" He exclaims, then pauses, looking at Icarus's suit. "Geez, you got vomit all over you. What happened?"
Icarus shrugs. "I flew too close to the son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cdrf4/icarus_arrives_at_the_airport/
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Did you hear about the first death caused by a self driving car?

The police never pressed charges though,  because they couldn't determine it's automotive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cdrdc/did_you_hear_about_the_first_death_caused_by_a/
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cdqfb/why_did_the_toilet_paper_roll_down_the_hill/
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A Co-Pilot's purpose...

Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew.
She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across Earth.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly.
She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain, he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone on it.
She turned to the Co-Pilot and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?"
The Co-Pilot replied "Ma'am, I am the Captain's sexual adviser. Somewhat shocked, she said,
"I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple ma'am. The Captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask for it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cdkx9/a_copilots_purpose/
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Why was the celery arrested?

It was accused of stalking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cdiyr/why_was_the_celery_arrested/
%
What do lightbulbs and Peruvians have in common?

Incan descent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cdfvz/what_do_lightbulbs_and_peruvians_have_in_common/
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On a cold winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really screwed up now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cde6i/on_a_cold_winters_morning/
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My cousin eats only Indian bread because his friends do.

He's a naan-conformist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cddnb/my_cousin_eats_only_indian_bread_because_his/
%
There's a new drug that is guarenteed to get you molested.

The only side effect is you feel Spacey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cdbog/theres_a_new_drug_that_is_guarenteed_to_get_you/
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My boss told me that I should dress for the job I want, not the job I have.

So I don't understand why he called the police when he found me digging through his closet at 3 am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cdb14/my_boss_told_me_that_i_should_dress_for_the_job_i/
%
Little Ahmed comes home from school.

His mother asks him:
"So what did you do in school today?"
"We were experimenting with explosives in chemistry class." replies Ahmed.
"What are you going to do in school tomorrow?"
"What school?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cd8iq/little_ahmed_comes_home_from_school/
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What kind of computer sings the best?

A Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cd281/what_kind_of_computer_sings_the_best/
%
Supermodel threesome

A 20 year old supermodel girl is driving down the road, coming home after a day of work.
When suddenly, she hits a pothole and her car dies.
She gets out, and calls triple A. But there is no cell reception.
So she sees a house and begs the man inside to use his phone.
But it's so dark out, and she forgets exactly where she parked, so she asks the man if she can sleep there, and call in the morning.
He replies "sure. But my 15 year old son and his friend are having a sleepover upstairs, and I don't want you to lay a finger on them. Please sleep downstairs"
She agrees, and goes into the basement as instructed.
But she soon gets too tempted and goes upstairs
The two kids look at her and are instantly impressed
"Hey boys, you want to do it?"
"Huh"? They say
"You wanna enjoy some sex?"
"What is sex?" The boys ask
She realizes how uneducated these boys are, and explains the birds and the bees
They agree, and she pulls out two condoms
"You have to put these on first. They will keep me from getting pregnant"
They both slip the rubbers on and the three have sex.
30 years later, the two men are sitting in a bar
"Remember that hot chick we did 30 years ago?" The first guy says
"Yeah. Oh yeaaahh." His friend replies
"Do you care if she gets pregnant?" He asks
"Nope." His friend responds
"Good" he says
"Let's take these damn things off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cd21m/supermodel_threesome/
%
Jim was feeling self-conscious so he wanted his wife to reassure him by proving she can pick his dick out of a line-up

He sets up a wall with 4 glory-holes.  He and 3 of his friends each stick their dicks through one of the 4 holes.  The wife takes a look at the 4 penises and says "Jim, your penis is number 3".  She picked correctly.  Jim pulls his dick out of the hole, runs to the other side of the wall and embraces his wife, ecstatic that she knew which penis was his.  His wife says, "Be sure to thank Steve, Bob, and Mike for helping you out with this"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cczec/jim_was_feeling_selfconscious_so_he_wanted_his/
%
A woman and her husband go to a cow farm

They learn about how beef is made, milk cheese and ice cream are produced, and how organic cows taste way better than factory farmed ones.
When their tour guide lets them looks at the calves, the women asks:
"How many calves can a bull have?"
The tour guide says "See that bull over there?" Pointing to the left
"He reproduced twice every week"
The woman says to her husband
"That's not THAT impressive, but it sure is better than you!"
The farm owner then says
"And this bull to the right of me reproduced 5 times a week"
And the wife jabs her husband in the ribs and says
"Really puts you to shame"
And then the tour guide says
"And this bull in front of me reproduced 7 times each week"
And the woman says coldly
"Wow. That's once a day. Your dry balls couldn't match this if you tried"
And the husband, finally having had enough, says
"Sure, But I'm betting it wasn't all with the same cow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ccwsy/a_woman_and_her_husband_go_to_a_cow_farm/
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Three Ducks are in Court

They are about to take to the stand against Judge Swan.
The first duck steps up.
“What is your name and why are you here?”, said Judge Swan
“My name is Quack and I’m here for blowing bubbles in the pond”
Judge Swan waves her hand, signaling for the next duck.
The second duck steps up.
“What is your name and why are you here?”, said Judge Swan
“My name is Quack Quack and I’m here for blowing bubbles in the pond”
Judge Swan waves her hand, signaling for the last duck.
The last duck steps up.
“Lemme guess, is your name Quack Quack Quack?” asked Judge Swan.
“No, my name is Bubbles”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ccvl4/three_ducks_are_in_court/
%
A man was relaxing on a long flight...

A man was relaxing on a long flight keeping to himself when he starts to get bored. He starts looking around the cabin and notices that he's sitting next to the Pope who's doing a crossword. He starts to think this will be an interesting story to tell his friends back home when he feels a tug at his sleeve.
"Bless you my son I am sorry to interrupt your solitude, but this one crossword clue has me stumped." States the pontiff.
"You see my son it says, 'A four letter word for a woman' and it ends in the letter U-N-T."
The man starts to panick, he doesn't know what to do, he can't say that word to the Pope. He thinks hard for a minute and then nearly jumps out of his seat. "Aunt. A-U-N-T. The word you are looking for is aunt." Beams the man.
"Bless you my son, you are a pinnacle of wisdom, I will say a special prayer for you tonight at Mass." replies the Pope
The man sits back relaxing in his seat quite content with himself for thinking his way out of a potential landmine of a situation when he feels another tug at his sleeve from the Pope.
"Bless you my son I hate to bother you again but...do you have an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ccsog/a_man_was_relaxing_on_a_long_flight/
%
An Irishman moves away from home...

An Irishman moves away from home to find work and in the city he settles down in he goes looking for a bar to relax in. He finds a suitable establishment and after he sits down he asks for four pints of Guinness to be brought out at the same time. The waitress complies with the unusual request and the Irishman quietly enjoys the four pints before leaving.
He becomes a regular at the bar and one day the bar tender asked out of curiosity "Why order all four at once? I could have the waitress bring them out one at a time and they would be cold to drink."
"That's a fair offer lad," replied the Irishman, "but you see, before I left home, me and me three brothers all agreed that no matter where our fortunes take us we will always drink together."
The bartender was touched by this sentiment and never asks about it again. With time this touching ritual became familiar to the other regulars and while he kept to himself, not a bad word could be said about the Irishman.
One day the Irishman comes in looking depressed and the bar tender asks, "Four pints as usual?"
With a deep sigh the Irishman replies, "Nay, just three from now on."
A hush falls over the bar as the Irishman takes his regular seat. The bartender personally brings over the three pints and setting them down says, "I'm sorry for your loss, these are on me."
"Loss?" replies the Irishman
"Well you are only having three pints from now on, did one of your brothers pass away?"
"Oh heavens no! Me doctor told me I have to quit drinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cco1m/an_irishman_moves_away_from_home/
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I’ll always remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket

“Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ccmlk/ill_always_remember_what_my_grandpa_said_before/
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My motto in life is to always give 100%

It does make blood donation quite tricky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cceck/my_motto_in_life_is_to_always_give_100/
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Where does a Muslim go to get drunk?

The Allahuak Bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ccdo5/where_does_a_muslim_go_to_get_drunk/
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Did you know that there's a place in the Middle East that's considered the father of the bagpipe?

It's Baghdad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ccb7y/did_you_know_that_theres_a_place_in_the_middle/
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I finally got the erotic book about herbs I ordered over a month ago.

It's about fucking thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cc7v4/i_finally_got_the_erotic_book_about_herbs_i/
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An old mountaineer and his ex-wife...

were fighting over custody of their kids. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cc5hz/an_old_mountaineer_and_his_exwife/
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A man walks into a bar..

..I don’t know how he didn’t see it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cc1mh/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I never wanted to believe that my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cbzi1/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_brother_was/
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I told a girl that she drew on her eyebrows too high

she looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cbwmo/i_told_a_girl_that_she_drew_on_her_eyebrows_too/
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Steven Spielberg's Next Movie

Steven Spielberg decides that he wants to make a movie about famous composers. He puts out a casting call.
Tom Hulce walks in first and says, "I played Mozart in Amadeus, and would love to play him again."
Next, Gary Oldman calls. "I was Beethoven in Immortal Beloved, so I already have experience playing the part."
Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him, and states, "I'll be Bach."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cbw1x/steven_spielbergs_next_movie/
%
Did you hear about the gay man getting fired from the sperm bank.

He was caught drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cbvwe/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_man_getting_fired_from/
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Mike Anderson was in the hospital...

He knows that his end is imminent, so he gathers his family:
His wife, his daughter and both of his sons.
He also asks for a nurse, two witnesses and his last will to be recorded.
&nbsp;
Then he starts speaking:
"Brian, my oldest son, I want you to get castle avenue.
Saskia, my daughter, you get the apartments in the East End.
Jamie, my youngest son, you shall take over the office blocks downtown.
And Sarah, my beloved wife, I'll leave you the apartments in Hackney."
&nbsp;
After Mike had died the nurse said:
"Mrs Anderson, your husband surely had to work hard to gather that much property!"
"Property?", Mrs Anderson replied, "My husband delivered newspapers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cbu4x/mike_anderson_was_in_the_hospital/
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How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cbt07/how_much_room_is_needed_for_fungi_to_grow/
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My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cbssy/my_girlfriend_said_you_act_like_a_detective_too/
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What do you call someone who wheezes when they fart?

An assmatic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cboig/what_do_you_call_someone_who_wheezes_when_they/
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What do you call a keen Russian?

Igor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cbmjc/what_do_you_call_a_keen_russian/
%
What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cbjdf/what_did_kermit_the_frog_say_at_jim_hensons/
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What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

They both travel around Uranus looking for Klingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cbf38/what_does_star_trek_and_toilet_paper_have_in/
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What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cbbqz/what_is_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
%
The nuclear launch codes have been updated.

Now they're 281 letters long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cbb7c/the_nuclear_launch_codes_have_been_updated/
%
I'm a pussy magnet

Magnets repel, too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cbamw/im_a_pussy_magnet/
%
A man walks into an art museum...

...saunters past a guard and rips a painting off the wall with his bare hands. The guards attempt to stop him as he runs out of the museum, but he is too quick and acrobatic and evades all of their efforts. Just out the museum doors, he hops into the back of a white van that begins speeding away with impressive acceleration; he holds the painting tauntingly out of the back of the van to mock the guards who tried to stop him, standing aghast on the museum steps. A passerby comments to his friend, "wow, look at that van go!"
"No, you idiot," his friend says, "that's a Rembrandt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cb88g/a_man_walks_into_an_art_museum/
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A woman walks into a bar and asks for double entendre.

The bartender gave it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cb6gv/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_double/
%
If there is no woman in the world

It is gonna be lots of pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cb5po/if_there_is_no_woman_in_the_world/
%
A fat girl is dancing...

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cb594/a_fat_girl_is_dancing/
%
A man walks into a bar

He asks the barkeeper: 'Are there any brothels around? I am so fucking horny right now.'
The barkeeper says: 'Well, there are no brothels here, but we have Steve.'
The man says: 'Doesn't matter. How much?'
'80 bucks', says the barkeeper.
'So, how does it work? Do I give Steve the 80 bucks directly?'
'No', says the barkeeper, '40 bucks go to the mayor, because he doesn't like that.'
'So, I give Steve only $40.'
'No', says the barkeeper, 'you give 20 bucks to me, because I don't like that in here.'
'Then I'll give Steve the remaining 20 bucks?'
'No, you give Trevor and Andy 10 bucks each. They have to hold Steve, because he doesn't like that either.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cb1xa/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.

The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cb1pj/a_woman_got_on_a_bus_holding_a_baby/
%
What religion do ghosts practice?

Boo-ddhism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cb0ak/what_religion_do_ghosts_practice/
%
What do you get when there’s an earthquake at a cow pasture?

Milk shakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cb0a9/what_do_you_get_when_theres_an_earthquake_at_a/
%
A group of chess enthusiasts...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cb02e/a_group_of_chess_enthusiasts/
%
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl urinate?

Cause those fuckers are all extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cazvo/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_urinate/
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Why did Louis CK hire a babysitter?

He needed someone to watch his little squirts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7caxpz/why_did_louis_ck_hire_a_babysitter/
%
An English teacher asked their students: "Of all the characters in the Old Testament, who do you think is the most developed?"

A student responded, "Noah, because he has the largest story Ark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cavf9/an_english_teacher_asked_their_students_of_all/
%
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal.
The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked.
She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight!
You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cagqu/a_woman_and_a_baby_were_in_the_doctors_examining/
%
I just found out sperm banks pay for your sample....

To think I've let all that money slip through my fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7caboa/i_just_found_out_sperm_banks_pay_for_your_sample/
%
have you heard the joke about the fresh bread?

well it's pretty stale by now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cabl2/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_the_fresh_bread/
%
What's it called when Jesus is mad?

He's cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ca8qn/whats_it_called_when_jesus_is_mad/
%
Yo momma so fat...

Her Myers-Briggs type is PBNJ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ca40x/yo_momma_so_fat/
%
What do you call a sneezing nut?

Cashew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c9z8j/what_do_you_call_a_sneezing_nut/
%
Been awhile since I've seen some United Airline jokes on this sub

Guess they were dragged out of the meta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c9z6c/been_awhile_since_ive_seen_some_united_airline/
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A psychiatric patient believed he was running with the bulls.

He was mentally in Spain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c9xpd/a_psychiatric_patient_believed_he_was_running/
%
2 brothers and a newfie are going ice fishing.

After they load up the truck, the two brothers hop in the front, and the newfie jumps into the back bed of the truck. As they are driving across the ice, the truck breaks through and begins to sink. The first brother opens his door and swims to the surface. As he starts taking his clothes off, the other brother surfaces. A minute goes by and the brothers start worrying the newfie won't make it. Just as one of them is about to dive in, the newfie surfaces.
"What the hell took you so long" the brothers ask
The newfie tells them "the tailgate was stuck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c9suu/2_brothers_and_a_newfie_are_going_ice_fishing/
%
My family have been doing a collective workout challenge.

It was tough at first, very intense. As of this weekend though I can say we've collectively lost 80kg....
...or, Grandad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c9qlf/my_family_have_been_doing_a_collective_workout/
%
Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c9qgn/divorced_couples_in_colorado_are_having_trouble/
%
What do you call a man who molests little girls?

Alabama's next senator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c9qd2/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_molests_little_girls/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c9p0a/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
An old Jedi master named Ben stole Luke Skywalker’s last pastry.

Angrily, Luke shouted after him as he ran away, “Hey, you Owe Me One Canoli!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c9ksp/an_old_jedi_master_named_ben_stole_luke/
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It's so hard

A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse.
Captain: What’s that horse for?
Soldier: Our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.
Captain: Ah, it is ok.
One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the horse to his tent. When the captain was done with the horse, he saw the soldier smiling outside his tent
Captain: it’s so hard! How do you do it?
Soldier: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c9bz1/its_so_hard/
%
I was born with a missing eyelid. The doctors used my foreskin to replace it.

Which is why to this day I see the world a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c9b0e/i_was_born_with_a_missing_eyelid_the_doctors_used/
%
I felt lonely, so I bought stocks.

Now I got some Company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c97v3/i_felt_lonely_so_i_bought_stocks/
%
How many babies' does it take to paint a house?

...depends on how hard you throw them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c96oi/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_house/
%
A woman walks into a sex shop and asks the man at the counter, "D..d..d..do y..y...you hav..hav...have vi..vi...vibrators?", she says stuttering

"Why yes, maam, we do."
"D..d...d...do you hh...h..ha..have  th...the b..b....bbig ones?"
"Yes maam, we do."
"How d...d....d...do you t...t...turn them o..o...off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c96gz/a_woman_walks_into_a_sex_shop_and_asks_the_man_at/
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6 signs that you had one glass too many

1. All girls look beautiful. It doesn't matter if they have beards.
2. You can't use your fork because it has 1 tine and 4 handles.
3. Lights are out in the restroom. But it smells nice, and they have clothes hanging instead of toilet paper.
4. Someone called you an asshole. But you are not sure... Maybe not an asshole. Or maybe not you. Anyway, you should teach these bastards a lesson!!
5. Barman doesn't want to take your money. He says that's not what money looks like.
6. You tried to tie your shoelace, but it electrocuted you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c96ex/6_signs_that_you_had_one_glass_too_many/
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Just got a guitar for my little brother.

BEST. TRADE. EVER.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c95tt/just_got_a_guitar_for_my_little_brother/
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Why did the man who fell asleep in front of his PC got sick?

Because the Windows were open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c905c/why_did_the_man_who_fell_asleep_in_front_of_his/
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It's impossible to run in a campsite

You can only ran, because it is always past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c8wug/its_impossible_to_run_in_a_campsite/
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If Ironman and the Silver Surfer teamed up...

... they'd be alloys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c8w93/if_ironman_and_the_silver_surfer_teamed_up/
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This subreddit is very concerned about the environment

While posting jokes, the 3 R's are always followed, either
Reduce,
Reuse,
or Recycle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c8vav/this_subreddit_is_very_concerned_about_the/
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Whats the Difference Between Outlaws and Inlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c8uh3/whats_the_difference_between_outlaws_and_inlaws/
%
A man's wife is looking at herself in the mirror

She says to her husband "I'm old, fat and ugly. Can't you give me a compliment?"
To this the husband replies "well, at least your sight is working"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c8skb/a_mans_wife_is_looking_at_herself_in_the_mirror/
%
Credit to u/kilophax

Two guys meet up in a bar.
The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!”
“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”
“No no, he survived that…”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“He was wrecking my house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c8rjw/credit_to_ukilophax/
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yo mamas so fat

i pictured her in my head and she broke my neck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c8net/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
"Give it to me! Give it to me now, I'm so f*cking wet!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was not giving her the umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c8m9k/give_it_to_me_give_it_to_me_now_im_so_fcking_wet/
%
I️ hate being bi-polar

It’s fucking awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c8jdb/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
What are the similarities between the Twin Towers and Genders?

There used to only be two, now it's a really touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c8f0g/what_are_the_similarities_between_the_twin_towers/
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A woman decided she needed to spice up her sex life. When her husband came home from work she was waiting for him wearing nothing but saran wrap.

When he walked through the door he looked at her and said, “Oh no! Not leftovers again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c8ew2/a_woman_decided_she_needed_to_spice_up_her_sex/
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Finally I am the hottest guy in my gym.

I have 102 °F fever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c8cwn/finally_i_am_the_hottest_guy_in_my_gym/
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I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office

It improved my outlook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c8b9d/i_was_feeling_bad_about_the_future_today_but_then/
%
Why is peter pan always flying?

Because he neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c85ri/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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While helping some freshmen check into their dorms at our state college I overheard a couple of new co-eds rate me as a six.

It really saddens me that our public school systems are only teaching kids to count to six.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c80hp/while_helping_some_freshmen_check_into_their/
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If you can't beat them...

Then what's the point in having slaves?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c7sij/if_you_cant_beat_them/
%
When I was a boy, Gene Wilder touched me

With his acting as Willy Wonka.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c7r97/when_i_was_a_boy_gene_wilder_touched_me/
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George Washington : We should put "We trust in God" on our money.

Thomas Jefferson : Great idea. Did you get that?
Yoda *taking notes* : Yep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c7r0c/george_washington_we_should_put_we_trust_in_god/
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I went into a sex shop today and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost...

She’s sitting on a small fortune...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c7onr/i_went_into_a_sex_shop_today_and_was_shocked_to/
%
A redneck, a black guy, and a Mexican are sitting at a bus stop...

...when a genie appears out of nowhere in a cloud of smoke. "You each get one wish," says the genie. The black guy says, "I wish for all my black brothers and sisters to be in Africa, where the land will nourish us and all Africans can prosper." The genie waves his hands, and all the blacks leave America and go to Africa. The Mexican then says, "Sounds good to me, I want all my Mexican peoples to be in Mexico where we can all live well and have jobs and drink tequila." With a wave of the genie's arms, all of the Mexicans go leave to Mexico. Then the genie turns to the redneck and says, "And what is it you desire, your wish is my command." The redneck looks at the genie and says, "So you're saying that all the Mexicans are in Mexico and all the black people are in Africa?" "Yes," replied the genie. "Well, it's kinda hot today, I guess I'll have a Coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c7kjm/a_redneck_a_black_guy_and_a_mexican_are_sitting/
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Why can no one hear a ninja fart?

Because they're silent but deadly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c7fue/why_can_no_one_hear_a_ninja_fart/
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Jews and Chinese doing business

A Chinese goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38.
The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Chinese buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Chinese, please tell me:
What do you do with all these black bras?
The Chinese answers: ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves as skull caps to the Jews for $200.00 each.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c7flj/jews_and_chinese_doing_business/
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My wife asked me "If you were given the option to find out exactly when and how you would die, would you want to know?"

I said "No, why?"
She said, "Never mind."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c7egd/my_wife_asked_me_if_you_were_given_the_option_to/
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Why did the blind man fall in the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c7bm5/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_in_the_well/
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Bob and John asked Steve to play golf.

-But I don't know how to play golf, said Steve
-It's easy, said Bob. You just need a club, a ball and a hole. Luckily I've got a club.
-And I've got a ball, said John
Steve paused for a while, then said;
-I ain't playing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c79cb/bob_and_john_asked_steve_to_play_golf/
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There once was an Indian who had only one testicle..

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why???
Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c74v1/there_once_was_an_indian_who_had_only_one_testicle/
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We’ve always needed a simpler term for “take off your clothes and masturbate in front of people”

Now we can call it “hangin’ a Louis”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c74m1/weve_always_needed_a_simpler_term_for_take_off/
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One day, Obi-Wan and Luke visit a Chinese restaurant...

Obi-Wan is eating normally, but Luke is having so much trouble with the chopsticks he's spilling the food all over the table.
Eventually, Obi-Wan becomes angry and says, "Use the forks, Luke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c74kt/one_day_obiwan_and_luke_visit_a_chinese_restaurant/
%
I once met a man from Nantucket.

He was a cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c70hx/i_once_met_a_man_from_nantucket/
%
A woman is at a job interview

Interviewer: What do you consider your most significant fault?
Woman: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don’t think honesty is a fault.
Woman: I don’t give a fuck what you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c6zre/a_woman_is_at_a_job_interview/
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I asked a young girl, "How do you get all these expensive things? New iMac, iPad, iPhone?!"

She smiled and said, "iSwallow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c6xyu/i_asked_a_young_girl_how_do_you_get_all_these/
%
Have you heard of Smokey the Orc?

Only YOU can prevent forests!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c6xgp/have_you_heard_of_smokey_the_orc/
%
Two couples decided to swap partners for sex

.
Afterwards, one of the guys said," That felt great! I wonder how the girls are doing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c6scw/two_couples_decided_to_swap_partners_for_sex/
%
Elevator music bothers me

On so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c6r1o/elevator_music_bothers_me/
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I like my beer like i like my violence...

Domestic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c6ql2/i_like_my_beer_like_i_like_my_violence/
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Jim moves out for university, and leaves his mother and cat in the hands of his younger brother.

Jim gets to university and is so busy with moving in, making friends and starting classes that he doesn't phone home until a week later.
When he calls home, his brother, Bob, answers. He asks how things are going.
"Um, good I guess..." Bob replied hesitantly.
Worried, Jim asks what's wrong.
"Well your cat's dead." Bob states.
Jim is horrified and angered by the news. Without another word he hangs up the phone.
A few days pass. Jim comes to terms with the loss of his beloved pet, and decides to call Bob to find out what went wrong. He calls and Bob answers. Jim apologizes for the way he responded, and Bob tells him that his cat had been hit by a car.
"I wish you would have eased me into it you know?" says Jim.
"What do you mean?" Bob asks.
Jim explained, "Well you know, you could have told me that the cat was stuck in a tree... and that you had called the fire department to get him down. And then a little while later, give me an update of how maybe things aren't looking so good. Then I would start preparing for the worst. And then, finally you could let me know that he  didn't make it. I would have been sad, but I would have seen it coming."
"Okay, I see what you mean," says Bob, "I'm sorry".
"It's okay, I forgive you." Jim continues, "So, I never asked... how's mom doing?"
"Well Jim, she's stuck in a tree..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c6gkb/jim_moves_out_for_university_and_leaves_his/
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How do you identify Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?

His sesame seed buns.
(My grandma told me this one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c6fwg/how_do_you_identify_ronald_mcdonald_on_a_nude/
%
Why does the ocean roar?

You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c6dx3/why_does_the_ocean_roar/
%
You think you have lag...?

Jesus took 3 days to respawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c6dd2/you_think_you_have_lag/
%
A blonde was walking down the street carrying a bag..

When another blonde rounds a corner and runs into her.
"My apologies! But what is in the bag, may I ask?"
"Oh, just carrying home some chickens for dinner for me and my husband!"
"If I guess how many chickens are in there, may I have one?"
"Hah ! If you can guess how many chickens I have in my bag, you can have *both* of them!" chuckles the blonde
"Umm.. seven?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c6bb3/a_blonde_was_walking_down_the_street_carrying_a/
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A blonde joke

A professor is teaching his class and gets philosophical.
"Fame will come to you only if you succeed "
The blonde asks, " Who is Seed?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c6ao8/a_blonde_joke/
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Why do Asians hate football?

Because they spend 13 hours a day making them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c69xr/why_do_asians_hate_football/
%
What is the leading cause in dry skin?

Towels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c66rd/what_is_the_leading_cause_in_dry_skin/
%
Grampa was telling us his war stories

Grampa: 'So we were flying back from bombing out Berlin, when suddenly we got caught out by the Germans. My Lancaster got surrounded. There was a Fucker on the left, a Fucker on the right, a Fucker above, and a Fucker below. We thought we were screwed.
Mum: 'Father, would you please not use that vocabulary in front of my children!
Me: 'It's all right mum, he's talking about Fokkers. It's a type of plane from Germany.
Grampa: 'No! these Fuckers were Messerchmidts !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c6169/grampa_was_telling_us_his_war_stories/
%
What do old men wake up to?

A morning wouldn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c5q19/what_do_old_men_wake_up_to/
%
3 tampons walk into a bar

Which one started talking to the bartender?
None of them, because they were all stuck-up cunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c5mh3/3_tampons_walk_into_a_bar/
%
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door.

“Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”
The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”
The man replied, “I know, but our neighbors did.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c5mg3/the_doorbell_rang_and_the_lady_of_the_house/
%
I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

Next week we're going to go on a date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c5ivu/i_met_someone_online_who_shares_my_fetish_for/
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Yesterday I tried to set my new password as "beefstew"

It said the password was not stroganoff...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c5irj/yesterday_i_tried_to_set_my_new_password_as/
%
Louis CK helped me change a flat tire.

All I had to do was watch him jack it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c5cyh/louis_ck_helped_me_change_a_flat_tire/
%
My shoe died recently.

May it's sole rest in peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c5cpv/my_shoe_died_recently/
%
A thief broke into my house last night...

He was searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c5cd2/a_thief_broke_into_my_house_last_night/
%
An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a Hitler statue.

The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.
The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c59wc/an_arab_and_a_jew_stand_in_front_of_a_hitler/
%
Throwing acid is wrong...

...in some people’s eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c57ho/throwing_acid_is_wrong/
%
A Mom visits her son, who lives with a girl roommate, for dinner.

During the course of the meal, his mother could't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find one the silver Spoons. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
**I'm not saying that you 'did' take a silver spoon from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take a silver spoon .. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.**
**Love,**
**your son**
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
**Dear Son:**
**I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver spoon by now, under the pillow…**
**Love,**
**Mom.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c50mo/a_mom_visits_her_son_who_lives_with_a_girl/
%
So one night, the farmer gets drunk.

He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."
He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c50k0/so_one_night_the_farmer_gets_drunk/
%
why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c4ykb/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
%
A man lost everything in his life...

he just lost his work, his house, his car, and the wife left with the kids. All that is left is $50 from his pocket. Lost and wandering around, he stumbled upon an old hermit. The hermit asked him what was wrong and he told his story. The hermit offered him a book, told him its the "Book of Secrets", says it would change his life bla bla bla. Says he could have it for $50 since he seemed to be a good guy. The man was desperate, so he gave his last $50. The hermit taught him how to use the book, to follow all instructions except for one, that whatever happens, dont look at the last page. The hermit left, the man started reading the book, but because of curiosity, he cant help but read the last page. Sadness took the man as he read the last page, tears fell in his eyes. The last page said "Goodwill Bookstore 50¢".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c4tof/a_man_lost_everything_in_his_life/
%
Who wants to be a Millionaire?

A lady is on "Who wants to be a Millionaire" and she has already won $500,000. She is on her last question with only the phone a friend left.
Chris Harrison: You can leave now with $500,000 dollars, or you can try for the million. If you fail to answer this last question you lose all your money and go home emptyhanded. Which do you choose?
Lady: I'll go for the million.
Chris Harrison: Alright your last question is, "What bird doesn't build their own nest?" Is it A: Hawk B: Falcon C: Cuckoo or D: Sparrow?
Lady: I'd like to use my phone a friend
The Lady calls her blonde friend and she answers the phone
Friend: Hello?
Lady: Hi I'm on Who wants to be a Millionaire and I have the last question, "What bird doesn't build their own nest–"
Friend: Oh that's easy, Cuckoo.
Lady: My answer is C: Cuckoo.
Sure enough her friend was right and she won the Million dollars. Sometime later she meets with her friend and asks how she knew the answer to the question. Sure enough, she replies, "Because I see it every day at noon. It lives inside the clock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c4q98/who_wants_to_be_a_millionaire/
%
Why did Hitler lose his driving license?

He was too hard on the gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c4p3d/why_did_hitler_lose_his_driving_license/
%
What's long, green, and has thousands of assholes?

A St. Patrick's Day parade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c4nw4/whats_long_green_and_has_thousands_of_assholes/
%
You don't have to vaccinate your children....

...only those you want to keep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c4myw/you_dont_have_to_vaccinate_your_children/
%
I shot a hipster in the foot

now she's a hopster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c47r7/i_shot_a_hipster_in_the_foot/
%
My dad was complaining to me that mom wants him to buy all new ornaments for Christmas.

I said, "Sorry, dad. I guess your old balls just aren't good enough for her any more."
(PS: This actually happened)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3zw1/my_dad_was_complaining_to_me_that_mom_wants_him/
%
Peter Dinkalage has been accused of sexual harassment.

He allegedly told the woman that her hair smelled nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3x0x/peter_dinkalage_has_been_accused_of_sexual/
%
A genie gave me the "awesome" power of invisibility

I didn't see the fun of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3si7/a_genie_gave_me_the_awesome_power_of_invisibility/
%
My boyfriend's so ugly...

... I put the roofies in my drinks myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3s1b/my_boyfriends_so_ugly/
%
M&M don't hire blondes for their production line...

...because they throw out the Ws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3rda/mm_dont_hire_blondes_for_their_production_line/
%
The farmer's wife makes dinner.

She cuts down a chicken from the coop, opens it and guts it out. Because there's no use of it, she takes the guts to the outhouse and throws it down the gutter.
Later that night, after finishing dinner together, the wife goes to sleep, while the farmer drinks some whiskey and reads the papers, before following her to bed. The next day the farmer goes out to work on the fields with his mate, but he notices the farmer is walking strange.
*-* What happened to you? Did you hurt your leg or something?
*-* Nah, you ain't gonna belive what happened to me last night!
*-* What?
*-* I go outside to take a crap in the middle of the night as always, and when I look back I notice that I shat my guts out!
*-* Holy shit! Did it hurt?
*-* No, but putting them back in sure did!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3rbo/the_farmers_wife_makes_dinner/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3ray/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?

He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3qd8/how_did_pinocchio_figure_out_he_was_made_of_wood/
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hey, let's go ride bikes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3p6g/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
John and Jack

are walking down the street.
All of a sudden Jack says:
"Do say, John, does my finger smell like sand, or like shit?!"
John, smelling Jack's finger: "Ewwwww, it smells like shit...."
Jack: "Thought so, why the fuck would I have sand in my ass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3n5h/john_and_jack/
%
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'

He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'
So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?
The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3kwy/a_doctor_notices_a_sidewalk_stand_that_says/
%
Why is Bill Cosby so good at Fantasy drafts?

He always nails the sleepers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3jzu/why_is_bill_cosby_so_good_at_fantasy_drafts/
%
The only "b" word you can call a woman is "beautiful"

Because bitches love it when you call them beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3hho/the_only_b_word_you_can_call_a_woman_is_beautiful/
%
So this lady has a husband who travels a lot on work

She is worried about her safety, being alone at home all the time, and she decides to get herself a guard dog.
She goes to the kennel and asks for the most ferocious dog they have.
“That would be Mike Tyson” says the kennel owner. He goes out back and returns with a tiny little pug trotting behind him.
“That’s Mike Tyson?” she asks incredulously.  “He’s tiny!”
“You would think so” the guy says “but watch this!”
He looks the dog in the eye and says “Mike Tyson - tire!”
The little dog jumps at the spare tire in the corner of the kennel and in a flash of teeth and muscle he rips the tire into shreds.
The woman is very impressed. She buys the dog and takes him home.
She decides to test out the dog’s powers for herself.
“Mike Tyson - chair!“ she calls out.
Again the little dog turns into a snarling muscular beast. In a flash of teeth and sawdust the chair is quickly disintegrated.
The next day her husband comes back from a business trip. He sees the little doggo in the living room.
“Aww what a cute little pup“ he says. “What is his name?“
“That’s Mike Tyson“ his wife responds.
The man bursts out laughing. “ Ha! Mike Tyson my ass...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3h06/so_this_lady_has_a_husband_who_travels_a_lot_on/
%
North Korea has created a new genre of music...

...It's called K-Boom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3fez/north_korea_has_created_a_new_genre_of_music/
%
I think my wife may be an archaeologist

Because she loves digging up old shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3ett/i_think_my_wife_may_be_an_archaeologist/
%
Chocolate is bad...

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3ed2/chocolate_is_bad/
%
By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

**Guaranteed reposts.**
https://discord.gg/66qyTgJ  or https://discord.gg/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3dev/by_popular_demand_we_now_have_a_discord_server/
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Drive safe

I saw a driver texting and driving.
It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c3adi/drive_safe/
%
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c39rt/a_lawyer_and_an_engineer_were_fishing_in_the/
%
Louis C.K. is the hardest working comedian in the business

He literally built and ended his own career with his bare hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c36du/louis_ck_is_the_hardest_working_comedian_in_the/
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Where do you find rappers in the middle of the day?

Costco for all the free samples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c35ua/where_do_you_find_rappers_in_the_middle_of_the_day/
%
Is it normal if one of my testicles

Hangs lower than the other two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c2zl5/is_it_normal_if_one_of_my_testicles/
%
What’s Louis C.K.’s favorite drink?

Jack and Squirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c2z4y/whats_louis_cks_favorite_drink/
%
Old joke my brother told me when i was a young lad

3 men die and go to heaven, meeting them at the gates of heaven was god himself.
"Evening gentlemen. Unfortunately, there is a simple trial require to enter heaven. Each of you must return to earth, gather ping pong balls, as much as you can, and return with them in hand."
The three men set off on their mission. The first returns with a bag of a thousand ping pong balls. God nods to him, and he is allowed inside.
The second shows up with five hundred ping pong balls. God hesitates, but reluctantly allows him to enter heaven.
The third man shows up with broken bones and bruised skin. God asked, bewildered. "What happened? Where are your ping pong balls?!?"
The man stares at god in disbelief. "Ping pong balls? I thought you said king kong balls!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c2xly/old_joke_my_brother_told_me_when_i_was_a_young_lad/
%
I grew up in a broken home

My father was a drunk carpenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c2xcr/i_grew_up_in_a_broken_home/
%
Why did Oedipus become an archeologist?

He liked uncovering mummies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c2wzl/why_did_oedipus_become_an_archeologist/
%
A daughter asked her mother

One day a daughter asked her mother "Mom, why am I named  Feather?"
Looking at her daughter the mother replied "Because, my child, when you were younger a feather landed upon your head."
Later that same day the mother's son came up to her and asked "Mom, why am I named Leaf?"
Looking down at her son she replied "Because when you were younger a leaf landed upon your head"
Later that day the mother's other son walked up to her "gagaga gofles eeeh lalala"
To that the mother replied "please be quiet, Fridge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c2rsv/a_daughter_asked_her_mother/
%
A legend of the Native Americans

While many people know of Sequoya, the Native American genius who developed the Cherokee alphabet, fewer have heard of another visionary – yet he made a discovery no less groundbreaking, owing nothing to the white man’s knowledge.
It fell out like this: In the early 1800s, a certain chief, renowned among his people for his wise leadership, skilful hunting and (when necessary) prowess in battle, went to his medicine man with a highly personal problem: Despite many years of marriage and three beautiful wives, the chief had no children to follow after him, and he had no idea why. The medicine man, after lengthy research, told him what the matter was. According to custom and tradition, the chief should have presented each of his wives with a rare and precious animal skin to lie upon when they were seeking to make a baby, and because he had omitted to do this, the wrathful spirits had closed the wombs of all three. After so many years, the chief would need to resort to heroic measures to appease the spirits – yet, said the medicine man, to such a great chief this should be well within his compass.
The task, he was told, was to journey further than any chief of legend, and find three animals that no red man had ever seen or imagined, and return with their hides to present to his wives. Then, and only then, would the spirits be satisfied. Accordingly, the chief prepared himself a great canoe and loaded it with supplies of all kind ready for the great journey; and one fine day he set off into the western ocean, not knowing where he was bound.
After a long voyage, the chief found himself in a land of arid deserts where black men threw strange sticks for weapons, and hunted a strange animal like a deer that went in great bounds upon its hind legs. Learning that this was a *kangaroo*, the chief hunted one, killed it, skinned it, and put the hide in his canoe.
Journeying on, the chief came to another land of brown men and tall grasses where there roamed a mighty creature far exceeding in size and power the mountain lion of his homeland, decked in a coat of orange and black. Learning that this was a *tiger*, the chief hunted one,  killed it, skinned it, and put the hide in his canoe.
Finally, in a land of rivers and swamps, the chief learned of a monstrous grey terror with a maw as large as a tepee, with tusks that could rend a man limb from limb, and that this creature was a *hippopotamus*. Therefore he hunted one, killed it, skinned it, and put the hide in his canoe.
Returning home, the chief presented each of his wives with one of the wondrous hides, and the spirits were at last appeased, and within the year the chief was the proud father of four strong babies. The squaw who received the kangaroo skin bore a maiden as beautiful as the first dawn of Spring, the squaw who received the tiger skin bore a son as splendid as the tallest tree in the forest, while the third squaw bore twins, each as admirable as their brother and sister.
History has shamefully lost the name of this pioneer, who by his magnificent deeds unlocked a great secret for his people: that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c2ot4/a_legend_of_the_native_americans/
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What is Louis C.K's Favorite Movie?

Free Willy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c2o3q/what_is_louis_cks_favorite_movie/
%
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No.  They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c2iav/a_man_takes_his_seat_at_the_world_cup_final_he/
%
What did the salt say to his girlfriend?

Wow, you're so-dium beautiful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c2amw/what_did_the_salt_say_to_his_girlfriend/
%
Went to a forest but brought nothing back home

I didn't have mushroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c230t/went_to_a_forest_but_brought_nothing_back_home/
%
What do you get when 32 rednecks enter the same room?

A full set of teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1wol/what_do_you_get_when_32_rednecks_enter_the_same/
%
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.

The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.  The husband said "Ship her home".  Shocked, the undertaker asked "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?"  The husband replied "A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead... I cant take the chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1ve8/a_man_and_his_ever_nagging_wife_were_on_holiday/
%
A soldier is sitting in a ditch...

Out of nowhere one of his comrades jumps in with him aswell.
"You see that bombed hospital over there?"
"Yeah. What of it?"
"There is a nurse behind it and she is fucking everybody right now."
"Everybody?"
"Yeah man, you don't even have to ask. Just go and take her anyway you want."
"Will she give me a blowjob?"
"Maybe. You'll have to find the head first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1u87/a_soldier_is_sitting_in_a_ditch/
%
It’s the cold and flu time of year

Or as I like to call it,  Vitamin C-son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1sl8/its_the_cold_and_flu_time_of_year/
%
What do you call a dog in a submarine?

Subwoofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1s7x/what_do_you_call_a_dog_in_a_submarine/
%
Everyone's talking about how inappropriate Louis CK's behavior has been...

...personally, I think he handled himself quite well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1p37/everyones_talking_about_how_inappropriate_louis/
%
A little misunderstanding

Last week I went to visit my buddy Joe. He's over 80, and sometimes gets a little confused. When I came in I saw he was covering his penis with shoe polish, and I yelled, Joe you're supposed to turn your CLOCK BACK !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1jle/a_little_misunderstanding/
%
Kevin Spacey likes his guys like he likes his whiskey...

12 years old and in a barrel, OR 18 years old and full of coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1ji4/kevin_spacey_likes_his_guys_like_he_likes_his/
%
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipes his ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1ikf/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
You know what E.T. is short for?

His little legs of course!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1glk/you_know_what_et_is_short_for/
%
Did you know that Spock actually had 3 ears

The Left
The Right
The final Front-ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1f8c/did_you_know_that_spock_actually_had_3_ears/
%
ABCD...

EFGADHD Ooo look a butterfly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1e49/abcd/
%
Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of sexual misconduct.

"I'm Gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1d0a/breaking_news_louis_ck_makes_first_published/
%
A blonde notices her coworker has a thermos.

She walks up to him and asks it what it is for. The coworker replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one for herself, and proudly displays it the next day at work.
Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"
"Soup and ice cream," the blonde replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1cpw/a_blonde_notices_her_coworker_has_a_thermos/
%
Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1b65/did_you_know_that_if_you_take_all_the_blood/
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How did Kevin Spacey find the little boy in all the Tall grass?

Satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1azp/how_did_kevin_spacey_find_the_little_boy_in_all/
%
Who is bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's Baby?

The baby- He's a little Bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c1aq1/who_is_bigger_mr_bigger_or_mr_biggers_baby/
%
What do you call a pilot's therapist?

A baggage handler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c16vd/what_do_you_call_a_pilots_therapist/
%
Never ask a Nazi for directions

They'll always say the Third Reich is the best way to go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c16ge/never_ask_a_nazi_for_directions/
%
I asked my wife what she'd do if we won the lottery

She said: “I’d take half and leave you!”
I said Great!  I won $12 yesterday.  Here’s $6.  Stay in touch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c14zg/i_asked_my_wife_what_shed_do_if_we_won_the_lottery/
%
Why’s the letter ‘x’ often silent?

It’s just a little cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c13lz/whys_the_letter_x_often_silent/
%
Hans, how was your first day at the Coast Guard Station?

Not so good... Very boring it was.  Very quiet, most of zee day, but zen... a british guy said he was sinking.
He was sinking?
Yes, so I asked him about what he was sinking, and he never replied.  How rude!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c133c/hans_how_was_your_first_day_at_the_coast_guard/
%
When do ducks wake up?

At the quack of dawn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c12ys/when_do_ducks_wake_up/
%
Courtroom Dramas....

.....are lawsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c12n4/courtroom_dramas/
%
Do you know what seems odd to me?

numbers that can't be divided by 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c12h0/do_you_know_what_seems_odd_to_me/
%
I don't normally go out, but Open Mike Night sounded fun.

Then we got to the morgue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c11ud/i_dont_normally_go_out_but_open_mike_night/
%
What is the difference between Hollywood and the Vatican?

Nothing.  Literally nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c10ab/what_is_the_difference_between_hollywood_and_the/
%
What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge?

I don’t know, but at least it isn’t a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c0z5f/what_do_you_call_a_green_bat_that_walks_across_a/
%
Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet

Because they can spend years at C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c0yt8/why_do_pirates_take_so_long_to_learn_the_alphabet/
%
What's the largest database for child sex predators?

IMDB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c0ren/whats_the_largest_database_for_child_sex_predators/
%
One thing I have learned from Reddit is that Trump is a sure thing for a second term as President...

... since jokes are even better the second time around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c0r10/one_thing_i_have_learned_from_reddit_is_that/
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A photon checks into a hotel.

He is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
He says "No thanks. I'm travelling light".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c0qzw/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
%
I just read through six pages in the dictionary....

I learned next to nothing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c0po8/i_just_read_through_six_pages_in_the_dictionary/
%
I got a job interview as an under-water welder..

Interviewer: so how would you describe yourself?
Me : well I'd say i work well under pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c0h9i/i_got_a_job_interview_as_an_underwater_welder/
%
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love...

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”
The frog asks for the good news first.
The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her."
“Great!” says the frog. “What’s the bad news?”
“Well, you’re going to meet her in biology class."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c0e7q/a_frog_goes_to_a_fortune_teller_to_find_out_if_he/
%
A blonde...

...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.
The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.
"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".
credits to u/Mr-Everest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c063r/a_blonde/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7c059g/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
[nsfw] The winner takes it all

The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bzu0d/nsfw_the_winner_takes_it_all/
%
It takes a big man to accept when he is wrong

It takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bzty4/it_takes_a_big_man_to_accept_when_he_is_wrong/
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In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.

As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words:  "Be positive, son!  Be positive!"
Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bzp8i/in_memory_of_my_father_who_died_of_blood_loss/
%
The Pope has declared that by 2018, the Vatican will stop selling cigarettes.

Thus he confirms that God hates fags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bzm35/the_pope_has_declared_that_by_2018_the_vatican/
%
Crime in elevators is disgusting and a huge problem for society

It's just wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bzjc8/crime_in_elevators_is_disgusting_and_a_huge/
%
I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...

He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bzeg9/i_met_the_godfather_of_the_scottish_mafia_earlier/
%
Bob came home drunk one night...

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
'BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bzcuw/bob_came_home_drunk_one_night/
%
Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bz5i3/some_people_dont_believe_the_allegations_that/
%
Me : *sips wine* ooh thats good. I'd like a bottle of that please.

Priest : Ma'am, that's not how this works, please go back to your pew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bz0jz/me_sips_wine_ooh_thats_good_id_like_a_bottle_of/
%
Yesterday was brutal. I forgot to apply the parking brake on my car...

And then it just went downhill from there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7byyab/yesterday_was_brutal_i_forgot_to_apply_the/
%
What do you call a midget who lives in a tropical climate?

A little humid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7byy23/what_do_you_call_a_midget_who_lives_in_a_tropical/
%
Why do churches use wine for communion?

Because everyone's tired of shots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bysh4/why_do_churches_use_wine_for_communion/
%
What's the name of a lackluster Greek philosopher?

Mediocrates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7byqsq/whats_the_name_of_a_lackluster_greek_philosopher/
%
A girl came up to me in a club and said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now". I invited her back to my place, and she started fooling around. We got undressed.

That was when I noticed that she still had the scars from surgery!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7byqn1/a_girl_came_up_to_me_in_a_club_and_said_i_havent/
%
{NSFW} What do a pregnant woman, a frozen beer, and burnt pizza have in common?

Some dumbass didn't take it out in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7byoez/nsfw_what_do_a_pregnant_woman_a_frozen_beer_and/
%
Camouflage condoms

Never let them see you coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bylbl/camouflage_condoms/
%
A man with arthritis goes to his drug dealer.

He says "Man, I need a few new joints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7byk55/a_man_with_arthritis_goes_to_his_drug_dealer/
%
Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault.
We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.
I reached over and pulled it out.
That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said.
"You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault.
There we were in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.
Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.
Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7byiev/little_johnny_comes_home_from_sunday_school_with/
%
Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover up their butt quacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7byie0/why_do_ducks_have_feathers/
%
I've finally discovered why it takes so long to develop self-driving vehicle technology.

The first cars equipped with it have to turn 16 before any real development can begin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7byhi2/ive_finally_discovered_why_it_takes_so_long_to/
%
What's the best drug to have sex on?

A: Birth control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7byglm/whats_the_best_drug_to_have_sex_on/
%
Something elsewhere on reddit reminded me of this old joke. - - - Four nuns are tragically killed in a car accident.

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates they find Saint Peter awaiting them.
He greets them politely saying, “My dear sisters in Christ, before I can allow anyone to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, I must ask each a question.”
Continuing, as he smiles down at them, “I must emphasize, being truthful in your response, and if necessary, atoning as instructed, are the keys to passing these gates.”
All four nuns agree and line up in single file. The first nun approaches Saint Peter meekly.
He asks her, “Dear Sister, in your estimation have you ever done anything in your time on earth that might prevent you from passing through these gates?”
She looks nervously at her feet for a moment or two, then timidly replies. “Yes sir, I touched a man’s penis once...” quickly adding while extending her left index finger, “but only briefly with my finger.”
With a raised eyebrow and a look of mild shock, Saint Peter looks down at her, considering. After a few moments, with a hint of concern, he tells her. “Alright sister, I can let you in, but only if you wash your finger in the holy water from the basin over by the gates.”
The first nun breathes a huge sigh of relief and scurries off to do as he asks, while Saint Peter watches her intently. Once she completes her task the gates open with a fanfare and she disappears inside, gates clanging shut behind her.
Saint Peter returns his attention to the line of nuns, looking a bit irked now, and motions, at which the second nun steps sheepishly forward.
A bit rattled he asks, “Dear Sister, in your estimation have you ever done anything in your life that may prevent you from entering Heaven”?
The second nun is noticeably squirming now. Finally she stammers, “Y-y-yes sir, I also touched a man’s penis, but just briefly, with my hands.”
Saint Peter is now noticeably exasperated, muttering to himself, while staring down at her sharply...
After a minute of careful consideration Saint Peter tells her, “Ok sister, I will allow you in as well, but first you must wash your hands in the holy water there,” motioning irritably towards the basin.
She gasps audibly, then rushes to do as she is told, Saint Peter glowering after her.
It is in this moment the fourth nun taps the third on the shoulder, asking if she can cut in front of her in line. To which the third asks, “Whatever for dear sister?”
“Well,” the fourth replies, “I would really like to gargle that holy water, before you sit in it!”
Edit. Punctuation!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7byb30/something_elsewhere_on_reddit_reminded_me_of_this/
%
A man bursts into his bedroom, holding a duck....

He is clearly drunk, his wife notices as she wakes up.
"This is the pig I fuck when you've got a headache!" he screams.
"That's a duck, dumbass," his wife replies.
He tells her, "I was talking to the duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7byb2p/a_man_bursts_into_his_bedroom_holding_a_duck/
%
I have the heart of a lion...

and a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7by7c3/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
Bryan Singer and Kevin Spacey walk up to a bar

The bartender asks for their IDs. They walk away and say" well I guess we're not going to find what we're looking for here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7by1op/bryan_singer_and_kevin_spacey_walk_up_to_a_bar/
%
Dick Auction Dream

A man's wife wakes up from a dream.  Excitedly, she tells her husband, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for $10 and the thick ones for $20."
"How about the ones like mine?" inquires the husband.
The wife replies, "They gave those away."
The husband pauses.
Then he goes, "You know what!? I had a dream too!  I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for $1,000, and the little tight ones for $2,000."
"How about the ones like mine?" asks the wife.
Her husband replies, "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7by1j4/dick_auction_dream/
%
I was going down on my girlfriend last night..

and I stopped and said "damn, you have a really big pussy! Damn you have a really big pussy!"
She said "why did you say it twice?"
I said "I didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bxqi4/i_was_going_down_on_my_girlfriend_last_night/
%
My Friend couldn’t believe he was gay and dyslexic

He’s still in daniel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bxq5v/my_friend_couldnt_believe_he_was_gay_and_dyslexic/
%
I'm trying to cut butter out of my diet...

...by a large margarine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bxnm7/im_trying_to_cut_butter_out_of_my_diet/
%
If you show me your boobs, I’ll show you my tattoo.

Tit for tat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bxmkt/if_you_show_me_your_boobs_ill_show_you_my_tattoo/
%
Back in medieval times King Arthur had a knight that collected taxes

His name was Sir Charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bxklk/back_in_medieval_times_king_arthur_had_a_knight/
%
Welcome to the Flat Earth Society

We have members all around the globe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bx7yc/welcome_to_the_flat_earth_society/
%
It feels like everyone and their mother is being accused of sexual assult.

My mother has been taking it real hard recently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bx6tr/it_feels_like_everyone_and_their_mother_is_being/
%
Remember Louis C.K.’s joke about how you can assess how bad a person is by how soon after a tragedy they first masturbate?

I wonder if he’s masturbating right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bx4v3/remember_louis_cks_joke_about_how_you_can_assess/
%
I had my wedding under a cell phone tower.

The ceremony wasn't great but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bx467/i_had_my_wedding_under_a_cell_phone_tower/
%
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bx2j5/the_barman_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers_in/
%
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bx00w/a_blonde_is_overweight_so_her_doctor_puts_her_on/
%
Did you hear about the hole in the nudist colony fence?

The police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bwp91/did_you_hear_about_the_hole_in_the_nudist_colony/
%
Girl: Come over

Boy: I'm coming over
Girl: We should really quit using walkie talkies in bed, over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bwn6m/girl_come_over/
%
If marijuana starts getting sold in a grocery store...

Would it be in the pharmacy or the baking aisle?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bwmc9/if_marijuana_starts_getting_sold_in_a_grocery/
%
My Wife and I Have...

Been trying to get pregnant for some time now. It's been a very emotional and trying experience. I however I got some good news recently, it seems the problem wasn't on my side. My sister-in-law just told me she was pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bwgq6/my_wife_and_i_have/
%
What do Muslims and stoners have in common?

They both get stoned after smoking weed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bwg3a/what_do_muslims_and_stoners_have_in_common/
%
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius

But his brother Frank was a real monster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bw5z9/we_all_know_albert_einstein_was_a_genius/
%
I hooked up with a blind woman the other day

She said I was the biggest she's ever been with, I said "ah you're just pulling my leg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bw3bp/i_hooked_up_with_a_blind_woman_the_other_day/
%
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bw0fp/my_wife_and_i_have_the_secret_to_making_a/
%
Some people think all genitalia are the same

I think there's a vas deferens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bvzgc/some_people_think_all_genitalia_are_the_same/
%
What's a toddler with epilepsy's favorite pizza restaurant?

Little seizures.
See you all in hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bvvtc/whats_a_toddler_with_epilepsys_favorite_pizza/
%
Anal bleach...

For that asshole in your life that just needs to lighten the fuck up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bvuyb/anal_bleach/
%
i asked my husband to look at things from my point of veiw

he looked out of the kitchen window
DISCLAIMER i am a male
DISCLAIMER i am NOT gay i am straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bvsxp/i_asked_my_husband_to_look_at_things_from_my/
%
What grade does a good student get in Canada?

Eh+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bvlsd/what_grade_does_a_good_student_get_in_canada/
%
I saw a guy drop a 100 dollar bill, I picked it up and asked myself: "what would Jesus do?"

......So I turned it into wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bvk2r/i_saw_a_guy_drop_a_100_dollar_bill_i_picked_it_up/
%
What’s the generic name for Viagara?

**Mycoxafloppin**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bvahc/whats_the_generic_name_for_viagara/
%
Whats the difference between engineering and religion?

Engineering build planes and buildings. Religion brings them together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bv8sa/whats_the_difference_between_engineering_and/
%
The Energizer bunny was arrested.

He was charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bv72q/the_energizer_bunny_was_arrested/
%
A man was washing the car with his son

After ten minutes the boy said "Dad, can't we use a sponge instead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bv4to/a_man_was_washing_the_car_with_his_son/
%
What do you call a Jamaican with a broken leg?

Usain Halt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bv38l/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_with_a_broken_leg/
%
If a Special-Ed student is late more than once...

Does that make him re-tardy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bv2j4/if_a_specialed_student_is_late_more_than_once/
%
I was furious when my friend showed me my wife's profile on a dating website.

That lying bitch isn't "fun to be around"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bv1i2/i_was_furious_when_my_friend_showed_me_my_wifes/
%
I got in a car wreck last week.

A dwarf got out the other car and said, "I'm not happy."
To which I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7buyfp/i_got_in_a_car_wreck_last_week/
%
My all-time favorite off-color joke

Did you hear about the man with 5 penises?
*His pants fit like a glove.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7buy75/my_alltime_favorite_offcolor_joke/
%
The difference between "sexy" and "perverted"...

Q: What's the difference between "sexy" and "perverted"?
A: It's sexy if a girl let's you watch while she's stimulating her nether parts with a feather. It becomes perverted if there's a bird still attached to the feather...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7buvno/the_difference_between_sexy_and_perverted/
%
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7buu11/a_guy_took_his_blonde_girlfriend_to_her_first/
%
Some asked me why all my jokes have been about pirates lately

So I said what's the difference laddie? All the jokes on Reddit are pirated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bupuz/some_asked_me_why_all_my_jokes_have_been_about/
%
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bum10/whats_the_difference_between_roast_beef_and_pea/
%
Why are Saudi Arabians out of the loop?

Because they live under Iraq!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bukeo/why_are_saudi_arabians_out_of_the_loop/
%
Say what you will about r/incels being banned

But at least someone finally got them off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7buf3k/say_what_you_will_about_rincels_being_banned/
%
What the difference between you and eggs?

Eggs get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bueuf/what_the_difference_between_you_and_eggs/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call it whatever you want, it still won’t come to you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bubep/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
I am so broke

If someone robbed me, they'd only be practicing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bu9md/i_am_so_broke/
%
Little Johnny on the farm

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken .
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow
He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig , so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow,  so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bu1re/little_johnny_on_the_farm/
%
You matter

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, then you energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7btzf0/you_matter/
%
Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska

There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7btz61/did_you_know_there_is_a_species_of_frog_in_alaska/
%
Two scientists walk into a restaurant

The first one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O".
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. We are not at work right now, why are you referring to it like that?"
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and weeps, for his murder plan had failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7btz0g/two_scientists_walk_into_a_restaurant/
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7btxjm/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
My wife left for a business trip one morning.

And later that day our dog died. That evening, she called and asked how everything was and I told her, "The dog died!"
&nbsp;
Crying into the phone she sobbed, "You could've broken the news to me gently!"
&nbsp;
I asked her, "What should I have told you instead?"
&nbsp;
She opined, "This is how you should've done it: First, you tell me she's on the roof. Then the next day, you tell me she fell off. Then the next, she's in the hospital. And then finally, on the last day of my trip, you tell me she died from her injuries."
&nbsp;
I pondered on her advice and agreed. "Okay, honey. I'll do it more gently next time."
&nbsp;
Finding some relief in my response she continued to ask me, "So how's your mother doing?"
&nbsp;
I told her, "She's on the roof!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7btwiu/my_wife_left_for_a_business_trip_one_morning/
%
[OC] Trump's Asia visit takes him to Vietnam today, which is a good thing...

Because if you've been in 'Nam, you can never really come back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7btw8u/oc_trumps_asia_visit_takes_him_to_vietnam_today/
%
I did an amazing thing today. I gave my seat on the bus to a blind person.

I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7btpcb/i_did_an_amazing_thing_today_i_gave_my_seat_on/
%
Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7btolf/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
%
What do you call an IT teacher who has sex with his students?

A PDF File

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7btoh8/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_has_sex_with/
%
Did you hear about the dog who told his owner to invest in tennis balls?

They had a high rate of return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7btnwt/did_you_hear_about_the_dog_who_told_his_owner_to/
%
I asked my friend to stop making Linkin Park references..

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7btkfi/i_asked_my_friend_to_stop_making_linkin_park/
%
Do you speak english?

- Yes
- Name?
- Abdul bal-Rhasib
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't it hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bth6f/do_you_speak_english/
%
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and finds a 6 year old girl waiting for him.

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and finds a 6 year old girl in pajamas waiting for him.
The little girl is excited to see Santa and says "Santa Clause wont you stay and play with me?"
Santa, being a busy man says "Ho, Ho, Ho, I've got to go, there are plenty of other children in the world, you know." And he leaves.
A few years later, when the girl is 13, she again waits for Santa, this time she's just wearing a long shirt for pajamas. Same thing happens- "Santa won't you stay and play?" "Ho, Ho, Ho, I've got to go, there are plenty of other children in the world you know."
A few more years go by, and Santa comes down the chimney to find the now 18 year old girl waiting for him, completely naked.
"Santa, won't you please stay and play with me, please?"
Santa says "Hey, hey, hey, I've got to stay, I can't go up the chimney with my dick this way!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bt2qc/one_christmas_eve_santa_claus_comes_down_the/
%
An Australian walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm

.
He tells the bartender, “If I put my penis into this crocodile’s mouth for 15 seconds without it being bitten off, you’ll give me free drinks for the night.”
The bartender agrees, so the guy opens the crocodile’s mouth and puts his penis inside it. The crocodile gently closes his mouth and, after 15 seconds, the Australian hits it over the head with a bottle. The now-disoriented crocodile opens his mouth, allowing the guy to take out his penis.
The bartender, shocked, starts serving the free drinks to the Australian. He then announces to the bar, “If anyone else can do that, they’ll get free drinks for the night.”
After a slight pause, a blonde woman chirps, "Ok, I’ll do it, but please just don't hit me so hard over my head with the bottle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bt0rv/an_australian_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_crocodile/
%
How do you spot Ronald McDonald at a nudist colony?

He's the one with the sesame seed buns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsy52/how_do_you_spot_ronald_mcdonald_at_a_nudist_colony/
%
the Pope and the baseball fans

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach  when there was a frantic fight just off shore. A man, wearing a Boston Red Sox jersey, was struggling to free himself from the jaws of a 25ft shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came up with three men wearing New York Yankee jerseys. One quickly fired a big harpoon into the shark. The other  pulled bleeding Sox's fan from the water. Then they beat  the shark to death with  baseball bats  and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know crap about shark fishing. How is the bait by the way?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsxbr/the_pope_and_the_baseball_fans/
%
A Blonde was down on her luck

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsv2w/a_blonde_was_down_on_her_luck/
%
I ejaculated onto a blind man's face while dressed as a clown the other day.

He never saw it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsshk/i_ejaculated_onto_a_blind_mans_face_while_dressed/
%
A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date.

The grandmother says,
"Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. Don't let him do that; it will disgrace our family."
Keeping this advice in mind, the virgin goes on her date and afterwards can hardly wait to tell her grandmother about it.
"It went just like you said!" she says. "But I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried that, I got on top of him and disgraced his family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsr28/a_virgin_from_a_traditional_family_tells_her/
%
My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsq53/my_girlfriend_texted_me_that_the_relationship/
%
What beer does Sisyphus hate the most?

Rolling Rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsolv/what_beer_does_sisyphus_hate_the_most/
%
At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsoc2/at_night_court_a_man_was_brought_in_and_set/
%
People think I’m weird because I swallowed an abacus...

It’s what’s inside that counts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsmvq/people_think_im_weird_because_i_swallowed_an/
%
What conquers math?

A ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsmus/what_conquers_math/
%
A Jewish kid asks his father if he can borrow $50.

His father replies
“40 dollars?”
“What do you want 30 dollars for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsmey/a_jewish_kid_asks_his_father_if_he_can_borrow_50/
%
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve found you!” Newton says “No no, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve found Pascal!”
r/Jokes/comments/7bngxv/heisenberg_schroedinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car/dpjnln2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bshsd/einstein_newton_and_pascal_decide_to_play_hide/
%
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.

So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle.
Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?"
The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsghh/a_construction_worker_came_home_just_in_time_to/
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The teacher asked little Johnny..........

The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”.
He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”.
She said, ” Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”.
He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, “Six, teacher?”.
She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you’re still counting on your fingers.
Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what’s five and five”.
He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, “Eleven, teacher?”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsdon/the_teacher_asked_little_johnny/
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Our local woods are full of mushrooms right now.

I'm always tripping on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsbqe/our_local_woods_are_full_of_mushrooms_right_now/
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[Long] A scientist is giving keynote speech about dissolvable food for babies

"Imagine if we lived in a world where you no longer had to worry about your children eating and getting food stuck in their airways...'
Gasps of amazement come from the crowd
"Imagine if they could still enjoy all of their favourite foods without any danger and don't need to be constantly supervised..."
Flashes of cameras erupt around the room.
"I have engineered a new type of food protein that dissolves after a few seconds of being placed on the tongue and can be used to make any of your child's favourite treat!"
The scientist pulls out a small test tube full of powder but the audience just start to chuckle...
"What's so funny?!" asks the Scientist
"This is no choking matter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bsazn/long_a_scientist_is_giving_keynote_speech_about/
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Which are the stronger days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays：D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bs5s0/which_are_the_stronger_days_of_the_week/
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What’s the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palms red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bs5l6/whats_the_best_part_about_fingering_a_gypsy_on/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7brym3/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch. They get to talking about which civilization was the most technologically advanced.
The Englishman proclaims, "Surely England was the most technologically advanced nation. Why, our archaeologists dug 1,000 meters into the earth underneath London and found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years, which is proof positive that our ancestors had a telephone network a thousand years ago.
The Frenchman replies, "Well, my dear English friend, our archaeologists did a similar dig, and after digging 2,000 meters under Paris, uncovered traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cabling; my French ancestors had an advanced, high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than your people!"
Not to be outdone, the Israeli says, "Well my friends, our archaeologists dug as deep as 5,000 meters deep underneath some of the oldest parts of Jerusalem, where people have been living for thousands of years, and found nothing. This is, of course, conclusive evidence that the Israelis have been using wireless technology for 5,000 years."
[This is an old joke, so I'm sure there are many other variations]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7brw6u/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_an_israeli_are/
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Boobs are like the sun...

You can stare at them longer with sunglasses on
-not my words but I'll take the advice! credit: plainwhitetease of imgur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7brvpx/boobs_are_like_the_sun/
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Why is helium becoming so expensive?

Inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7brsxp/why_is_helium_becoming_so_expensive/
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You are just like gopal..

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the Cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Gopal"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Gopal. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Gopalan every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not for Gopal. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.  He sang like SPB and danced like Prabhu Deva and you should have heard him play the Keyboard. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.  He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Gopal, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Gopal , he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong.  No one could ever measure up to Gopal."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Gopal. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7brsja/you_are_just_like_gopal/
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A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.

She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran to the door. The husband whispered to the wife, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do," says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7brkbq/a_woman_is_at_home_when_she_hears_someone/
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Profit & Loss Statement

Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"
Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7brd1c/profit_loss_statement/
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A man gets pulled over by police

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7brawa/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_police/
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Steve Jobs would've been a better POTUS than Trump

Well...
Maybe not?
It's hard to compare apples and oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7br585/steve_jobs_wouldve_been_a_better_potus_than_trump/
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What dog can jump higher than a building?

Any dog, buildings can't jump!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bqvpa/what_dog_can_jump_higher_than_a_building/
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Einstein Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek.lt’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bqq2u/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_playing_hide_and/
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Did you ever hear the one about the Bulgarian train driver?

So there was once a Bulgarian train driver. He had wanted to be a train driver ever since he was a little boy, and he loved his job. So one day, he was so into his job that he decided to go a little faster. So he sped up the train and it went so fast that it derailed. So the train derailed and it killed one person. So he went to court and the judge decided he was guilty, so he was sentenced to the electric chair. By law, you were given one last meal, so the man asked the train driver what he would like. He said that he would like one banana. So he eats his banana, and then sits in the electric chair. The man flips the switch and sparks fly and smoke fills the room. So when it all clears, the train driver is in the electric chair unharmed. He was then free to go due to this being considered as divine intervention.
So he somehow gets his job back and he speeds up the train again and kills two people. He goes to court again, is guilty, and sentenced to the electric chair. The man once again asks the train driver what he wants for his last meal. The train driver says that he wants two bananas. So he has the bananas and sits in the chair. The man flips the switch, sparks fly, and smoke fills the room. After it clears, the train driver is unharmed and is once again free to go.
So he unbelievably gets his job back and the same incident occurs again except this time he kills three people. He goes through the same process again and is asked once again what he wants for his last meal. He asks for three bananas. So he eats his bananas, the electric chair is activated and when everything clears, the train driver is still unharmed.
So he miraculously gets his job back and this time he kills four people. This time though he doesn't even go to court, he is sent immediately to the electric chair. So when he gets to the place the man looks at the train driver and says: "Alright, no more bananas, you're going into that chair right now." So he flips the switch and when all is clear, the train driver is still unharmed. The man is frustrated. "How did you survive? You didn't get your bananas." The train driver looked at him and said "The bananas  have nothing to do with it, I'm just a really bad conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bqoa1/did_you_ever_hear_the_one_about_the_bulgarian/
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A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.

The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend.
"I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years."
"That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bqo2y/a_couple_returns_from_their_honeymoon_refusing_to/
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Bob was swimming when a sea monster grabbed him by the balls.

“Plus 2 or minus 2?” Said the monster
“Plus 2!” Said Bob, but when he got out of the water he discovered he now had 4 balls. Bob was pissed with having 4 balls, but he figured he’d find the monster and this time say “minus 2” and return to normal, so Bob goes for another swim. After swimming around in the water for a while Bob is grabbed by the balls again, Bob was ready with his answer.
“Plus 4 or minus 4?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bqj76/bob_was_swimming_when_a_sea_monster_grabbed_him/
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How To Speak Irish.

Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked
(Say it fast)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bqe3b/how_to_speak_irish/
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I'm like a wild animal in bed.

More afraid of you than you are of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bqch6/im_like_a_wild_animal_in_bed/
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One of my drill sergeants favorite stories

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are, and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
EDIT 1: if this gets to 5k I'll tell all of you what that haunting and seductive noise is.
EDIT 2: The sweet, haunting and seductive noise is the sound of angry redditors clicking the downvote button after reaching the end of the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bqbg7/one_of_my_drill_sergeants_favorite_stories/
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A large pickle walks into a bar

, sits down, looks at the bartender, and asks for his usual to be put on a tab. Having never seen the large pickle before, the bartender says "Who even are you? Tab priveleges are reserved only for celebrities, well-known people, or dicks that try to get out of paying." The large pickle responds, "In that case, I'm kind of a huge dill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bqb1j/a_large_pickle_walks_into_a_bar/
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2 wrongs don’t make a right

But 3 lefts do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bq7p8/2_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
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I love whale-whatching

but it has gotten a little more difficult now that the nearest WalMart closed down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bq7nx/i_love_whalewhatching/
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What's the opposite of women's studies?

History.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bq4lw/whats_the_opposite_of_womens_studies/
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Women gained the right to vote 100 years ago to the day...

yet they still can't cast a vote on what they want for dinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bq3d8/women_gained_the_right_to_vote_100_years_ago_to/
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What does a mermaid wash her fin with?

Tide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bq2d6/what_does_a_mermaid_wash_her_fin_with/
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Before the prostate exam, I asked the doctor where should I put my pants.

"Here, next to mine" wasn't the answer i was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bpyly/before_the_prostate_exam_i_asked_the_doctor_where/
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My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bpxnz/my_brother_has_a_beef_eating_disorder_and_im/
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Sailor and sex ed class

The sex ed instructor asked the class, "How many sexual positions do you know?" An old sailor in the back of the class raised his hand and shouted, "Thirty-nine, thirty-nine, thirty-nine!" The instructor ignored the old salt and called on a young man near the front. The young man replied, "Well, just one. You know: man on top, woman on bottom." The old sailor in back started shouting, "Forty, forty, forty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bpxcw/sailor_and_sex_ed_class/
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People in wheelchairs are easy to pick on

They never stand up for themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bpt8a/people_in_wheelchairs_are_easy_to_pick_on/
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I farted on my mother-in-law and everyone around us could smell it but her.

That's one upside of being in a coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bpspa/i_farted_on_my_motherinlaw_and_everyone_around_us/
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The only thing flat earthers fear.

Is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bpnu2/the_only_thing_flat_earthers_fear/
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Did you hear about how realistic Call of Duty: WWII is?

Sledgehammer Games rented servers from the 1940s to replicate WWII as accurately as possible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bpnqb/did_you_hear_about_how_realistic_call_of_duty/
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Late one evening, a Cab driver picks up a nun...

While driving her he says “sister, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I’ve always fantasised about being with a nun”. The nun says “oh, you and everyone else! I don’t suppose do you happen to be a Catholic by any chance?”. The cab driver says “yes, i am”. The nun tells the cab driver to pull over, gets in the front of the cab and gives him the best blowjob he has ever had. Afterwards, the driver says “sister, that was amazing, but I have a confession to make: I’m not catholic”. The nun says “don’t worry about it, my name’s Ralph and I’m on my way to a costume party”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bpmjm/late_one_evening_a_cab_driver_picks_up_a_nun/
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One hot summer day on Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie are sitting on the stoop outside their apartment.

Bert turns to Ernie and says, _"Want to go get some ice cream?"_
Ernie replies, _"Sure Bert."_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bpcit/one_hot_summer_day_on_sesame_street_bert_and/
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A burglar broke into the Police Department and stole all of the toilets . . .

The police are investigating, but they have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bp4jv/a_burglar_broke_into_the_police_department_and/
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What type of pasta does Forrest Gump like to eat?

Penne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bp43t/what_type_of_pasta_does_forrest_gump_like_to_eat/
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I'm going to get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for Secret Santa.

If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.
(heard at work)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7boynt/im_going_to_get_her_a_pair_of_slippers_and_a/
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What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?

You can't. A mosquito is a vector, but a rock climber is a scalar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7boy5y/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mosquito_with_a/
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What's the difference between Qatar and Abu Dhabi?

People in Qatar don't watch The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7boxrh/whats_the_difference_between_qatar_and_abu_dhabi/
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A well known politician is walking down when the street when a mugger jumps out and says "give me all of your money."

The politician says, "Do you know who I am?  I'm a well known politician."
So the mugger says, "Fine, give me all of my money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7boqbk/a_well_known_politician_is_walking_down_when_the/
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I remember when I first used a dry erase board.

I thought, "this is remarkable!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bop1s/i_remember_when_i_first_used_a_dry_erase_board/
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Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.
" She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7boksg/sunday_morning_sex/
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So an elderly couple

Jim and Jane, in a nursing home were having a torid love affair. Well, at 97 and 93, "torrid love affair" translates to a once weekly meeting at the nursing home TV room, where Jane holds Jim's johnson through an episode of "Friends".
This went on for a while, but one day Jim didn't show up. Jim didn't show up for 3 weeks, no word, and Jane thought he died, until she saw him coming down the hall.
She was amazed, then angry, and she said "Jim!!! What happened? Where have you been!!! I thought you died!! Why havent you been showing up?"
Jim says "I, uhhh, I found another woman" Jane shrieks "I KNEW IT! she's younger than me, prettier than me..." Jim stops her there and says "No, no she's 102 and confined to a wheelchair" "What? Well, what does she have that I don't have?" "Parkinsons!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bojo8/so_an_elderly_couple/
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Jesus returns home from worship

And leaves the front door open. Mary sees this and says
"Jesus! Close the door! Were you born in a barn?"
Jesus looks to Mary and says, "Yes mom I was."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bohkh/jesus_returns_home_from_worship/
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Math puns are the first...

... sin(madness)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7boh7t/math_puns_are_the_first/
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My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7boh02/my_wife_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_saying_this/
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What does a liar do after he's dead?

He lies still...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bogml/what_does_a_liar_do_after_hes_dead/
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I thought of this great airplane joke

But it's gone over everybody's head so far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7boe3h/i_thought_of_this_great_airplane_joke/
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Two guys are out golfing...

One guy says "I'm gonna stop for some more golf balls, need any?"
Other guy says, "No, I'm alright, I've got one."
"What you mean you 'got one', what if you lose it?"
He says "You can't lose it. It's a special ball."
"What if you hit it in the water?"
"No, it floats! Can't lose it, it's a special ball!"
"What if you hit it into a bush, and you can't find it"
"No, it's got a beeper, a homing device. Can't lose it."
"Well, what if it gets dark, you hit it into a trap"
"It glows in the dark, it pulsates."
"That's amazing, where'd you get this ball?" "I found it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bocfy/two_guys_are_out_golfing/
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Why do so many children aspire to be astronauts?

Some men just want to watch the world turn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7boaf8/why_do_so_many_children_aspire_to_be_astronauts/
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A sculptor made a beautiful hard drive from mahogany...

but it was all bark and no bytes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bo6vk/a_sculptor_made_a_beautiful_hard_drive_from/
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I went to a big liquor store and they asked me if I needed any help.

I responded: Yes, but I come here instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bo1g3/i_went_to_a_big_liquor_store_and_they_asked_me_if/
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Did you know Kevin Spacey was a composer?

His most famous song is titled *Drunk Mistake* in A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bo09n/did_you_know_kevin_spacey_was_a_composer/
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Just an inch !

An American, an Afghan and an Frenchman sitting outside a bar, keep arguing about how their country is more advanced. A heated debate between the American and Frenchman continues whilst the Afghan can't seem to beat either of them and seems visibly frustrated.
" Our military is so advanced that our jets touch the sky when they fly" boasted the American. "REALLY, the SKY? ", snapped the Frenchman. " Well maybe an inch below" the American conceded.
Not to be outdone, the Frenchman says "our submarines are so advanced that they can dive to the deepest depth of the ocean and move along the floor". "I doubt that" says that American dismissively. "Well maybe an inch above " the Frenchman concedes.
The Afghan suddenly exclaims, " In my country we have revolutionized how we eat. All of us can simply eat through our nose"
"Impossible" the American and Frenchman exclaim in disbelief.
"Well maybe an inch below" concedes the gleeful Afghan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bnz26/just_an_inch/
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bnyml/a_few_days_after_christmas_a_mother_was_working/
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Don’t upset jazz musicians

They might snap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bny1y/dont_upset_jazz_musicians/
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I enjoy flying, but have a severe phobia of boarding queues

I spoke to the doctor, but they said it was a terminal illness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bnxju/i_enjoy_flying_but_have_a_severe_phobia_of/
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How does one pass a Nazi test?

By giving all the Reich answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bnulu/how_does_one_pass_a_nazi_test/
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A blonde and a businessman are watching the 11 o'clock news when reports of a jumper on the roof comes on.

The businessman turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $20 that the guy jumps."
The blonde agrees and 5 minutes later the guy jumps. As the blonde takes out her wallet to pay the businessman, he says, "no it's ok, i saw this story on the 8 o'clock news and i knew that would happen."
The blonde turns to the man with a somber expression and says, "I watched it too, but I didn't think he'd jump again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bnt93/a_blonde_and_a_businessman_are_watching_the_11/
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Why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton?

'Cuz blond men aren't that smart, either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bnqw3/why_did_the_blonde_have_bruises_around_her/
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I don't trust people who use graph paper

They're always plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bnqtl/i_dont_trust_people_who_use_graph_paper/
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A young man, who fell in love with this beautiful princess always wished to be her lover, but being the poor peasant that he is, he didn't believe he could do so.

One day though, he found a mysterious lamp dug somewhere near the ground. He has heard a lot about the legends of genies and believed that rubbing it, might just be the answer to all his wishes. He then proceeded to rub the lamp, where he thought a genie would show up from, but instead though...a genie didn't show up. What came out was a young looking tiger that flew out of the lamp and told him: "Ask me any question, and I'll answer truthfully." The man, shocked by this event, was a bit shaken, but since he was already determined to do whatever he could to win the princess's heart, he then proceeded to ask the tiger how he can win the heart of the princess. The tiger, hearing his question, nodded and answered him with a wise and serious expression:
"Truthfully."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bnp7y/a_young_man_who_fell_in_love_with_this_beautiful/
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Why did the chicken kill itself?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bnmxm/why_did_the_chicken_kill_itself/
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Whistle Puns

One day, I went to the store, and I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
So I went to the store again, and I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
After a lot of frustration, I went to the store again and I bought a lead whistle.
I was really mad at this point. It steel wooden lead me whistle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bnhtl/whistle_puns/
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How can you tell if someone is a philosopher?

It depends on what you mean by "philosopher".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bnh28/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_a_philosopher/
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Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'
'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'
'We do now, asshole!' Shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bngxv/heisenberg_schroedinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car/
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If at first you don’t succeed...

Skydiving is not for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bne2e/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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Damn girl are you a Rubik's cube?

Because fuck you, stupid piece of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bnd19/damn_girl_are_you_a_rubiks_cube/
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Timmy...

My joke is quite simple, and childish I'd say
Some may actually know what I'm going to say
It starts with a name you see (here is the thing)
And involves what's commonly known as a 'swing'
I think it's quite funny, (I just have to say though)
So, "*Why did Timmy fall of the swing?*"
"*Cause he's a tomato...*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bnco5/timmy/
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Paddy & Murphy had just come out of O'Reilly's Tavern

Paddy says to Murphy, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
Murphy stared into the sky for a moment and stops and looks at his drunken friend, "You are wrong. That's not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said,
"Sorry, I don't live around here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bncgh/paddy_murphy_had_just_come_out_of_oreillys_tavern/
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Why can't mitochondria get dates?

Because they're all r/incels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bn3xu/why_cant_mitochondria_get_dates/
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I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger if he wanted to swap over to windows 10..

He said 'I still love Vista, Baby.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bn0aj/i_asked_arnold_schwarzenegger_if_he_wanted_to/
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It's hard to say exactly what my girlfriend does for a living...

... she sells seashells by the seashore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bmykx/its_hard_to_say_exactly_what_my_girlfriend_does/
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Someone knocked on my door and asked if I had found Jesus

I explained it wasn't my turn to watch him this time, and they really should have used bigger nails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bmpwu/someone_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_if_i_had/
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Doctor VS Lawyer

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
**'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'**
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
**Lawyer:** 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
**Doctor**: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
**Lawyer:** 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
**Doctor:** 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
**Lawyer:** 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
**Doctor:** 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
**Lawyer (annoyed):** 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
**Doctor:** 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
**Lawyer:** 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
**Doctor:** 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
**Lawyer (staring at the note):** 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
**Doctor:** 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bmlcm/doctor_vs_lawyer/
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A joke my dad told me when I was a kid.

3 men work as window washers on a skyscraper, and every day the three men took their lunch on the roof. One day the first man, a brunette, opened his lunch and said:
"My wife packed me turkey again! If I have turkey one more time, I'm going to jump off this roof and kill myself."
The second man, a redhead, opens his lunch and says:
"Ham again?! If I have ham one more time I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself."
The third man, a blonde,  opens his lunch and says:
"A BLT again?! If I have a BLT one more time I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself."
The next day the three men once again took their lunch on top of the skyscraper. The brunette man opened his lunch, saw a turkey sandwich, jumped off the building and died. The redhead opened his lunch, saw a ham sandwich, jumped off the building and died. The blonde man opened his lunch, saw a BLT, jumped off the building and died.
That week at the funeral, the wives of the brunette and redhead were inconsolable. They tried to comfort each other but we're both sobbing uncontrollably at the sudden and devastating loss of their husbands. They then saw that the blonde man's wife wasn't crying, and instead looks rather angry.
"Why aren't you crying?!"
Said the brunette man's wife.
"We basically killed our husbands by packing them the same lunch every day."
The blonde man's wife looked at them and said:
"Speak for yourselves, my husband packed his own lunch every day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bmjws/a_joke_my_dad_told_me_when_i_was_a_kid/
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The communist party of Russia is having a large gathering with all members...

...and Stalin is giving a speech. Suddenly, someone in the crowd sneezes. Stalin stops his speech, furiously slams down his fist and shouts "Who dared to sneeze while I was talking!? Raise your hand immediately!". The room is silent and nobody raises their hand.
Stalin says: "If nobody raises their hand, I will order my guards to shoot everyone in the fist row." Still nothing happens. "Very well then", he says, and gives the order to his guards. The guards follow his order and shoot everyone in the first row.
"Now, if the person who sneezed still won't say anything, I will have the people in the second row killed." Again, nobody raises their hand, and Stalin has hist guards shoot another row of people.
When still nobody responds, Stalin says "I've had it. I will now order my guards to start shooting random people until the one who sneezed raises their hand". After the guards kill a few dozen more people in the crowd, one person slowly raises his hand, shaking nervously.
Stalin turns his face to the man and says: "Bless you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bmb4b/the_communist_party_of_russia_is_having_a_large/
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There are two types of people in this world...

Those who masturbate, and liars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bm9v9/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

She's a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bm9bc/why_couldnt_helen_keller_drive/
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Pavlov was so full of shit. There’s no way you can train people like that.

And to make matters worse, people talk about him so much that every time I hear a bell I remember that stupid prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bm7ov/pavlov_was_so_full_of_shit_theres_no_way_you_can/
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Knock knock

Whose there?
Little boy blue.
Little boy blue who?
Kevin Spacey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bm7mu/knock_knock/
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The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.

As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,
“Why did you become a pilot?”
To which the co-pilot replies, “To overcome my greatest fear.”
“Flying?” the pilot asks
“No.” says the co-pilot, “Dying alone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bm769/the_pilot_and_copilot_are_sitting_in_the_cockpit/
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What does Hillary Clinton do with her old, out-of-style clothes?

She wears them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bm6i3/what_does_hillary_clinton_do_with_her_old/
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Never have I ever sent a dick pic

Always get a message, error - file size too large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bm6gu/never_have_i_ever_sent_a_dick_pic/
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What language does your stomach speak?

Hungarian!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bm4cw/what_language_does_your_stomach_speak/
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Sex education

Dave's wife said to him, "If our kids are old enough to ask a question about sex, then they are old enough to be told a truthful answer."
Just then his son came home from school and asked him what a blow job was.
"Son," said Dave, "I can't remember."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7blyx2/sex_education/
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Samsung

He had a good voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7blyf0/samsung/
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What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?

"Goodnight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7blm9l/what_one_word_really_makes_a_woman_open_up_and/
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A woman tells her friend: - I'm a perfect housekeeper!

...every time I divorce, I keep the house!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bljmw/a_woman_tells_her_friend_im_a_perfect_housekeeper/
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Little Johnny kills a butterfly

His dad says, "No butter for one week!" Little Johnny kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!" Mom kills a cockroach. Little Johnny turns to his dad and says, "shall I break the news to her?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7blcoi/little_johnny_kills_a_butterfly/
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The word mom looks like wow upside down

Just like your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7blbij/the_word_mom_looks_like_wow_upside_down/
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A Southwest flight is cancelled...

...and there's a long line waiting for a single agent to reschedule flights when an irate man walks to the front of the line and screams, "I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS!"
"I'm sorry sir but I have to help these other folks first.  I'll be happy to help you if you could kindly get back in line."
The guy, obviously pissed off screams, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?!?!"
Without hesitating she gets on the com and calls out, "Attention passengers.  We have a gentleman at Gate 44 who doesn't know who he is.  If anyone can help him find his identity please come to gate 44."
He's really pissed now.  Everyone behind him is laughing. He can tell he's not going to get anywhere with her so he resigns to go to the back of the line but not without muttering "Fuck you" below his breath.
She calmly looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to wait in line for that too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bl8vp/a_southwest_flight_is_cancelled/
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What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed?

"Sheet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bl8po/what_does_the_blanket_say_when_it_falls_off_the/
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Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" means the same thing ...

Unless you're at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bl587/saying_im_sorry_and_i_apologize_means_the_same/
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The Horse and the Chick

The horse and the chick were best friends. One day when they were walking around the farm together, the horse fell into a patch of quicksand. He couldn't get out no matter how much he struggled. The chick suddenly had an idea:
"I know! The farmer just bought a new Porsche SUV. I'll use that to pull you out."
So the chick ran off, got the SUV, tied a rope to the horse and pulled him out with ease.
A week later the horse and the chick were walking around the farm again when the chick fell into the quicksand.
"Hurry, go get the SUV!" the chick said to the horse.
"No need", said the horse as he straddled the quicksand. "Just grab hold of my dick and I'll pull you up!"
The chick grabbed hold of the dick and the horse pulled her right out.
Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bl4et/the_horse_and_the_chick/
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How to quickly lose 150lbs of fat?

By divorcing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bl3s1/how_to_quickly_lose_150lbs_of_fat/
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A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn’t open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it’s sad, but people need to know that there’s a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that’s a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bl39r/a_blonde_and_her_husband_are_watching_the_news/
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Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur and Carbon?

Because you are AuTiSTiC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bl2x5/are_you_made_of_gold_titanium_sulfur_and_carbon/
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Opinions are like penises,

the only one I care about is my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bl05s/opinions_are_like_penises/
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Why can't miss piggy count to 70?

She gets a frog in her throat at 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bkybt/why_cant_miss_piggy_count_to_70/
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Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bks49/mommy_why_are_some_of_your_hairs_turning_grey/
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A teenage boy is like an alarm clock

Comes in handy once a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bkri3/a_teenage_boy_is_like_an_alarm_clock/
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My dog can do math.

I asked him what was 17 - 17.  He said nothing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bkn6s/my_dog_can_do_math/
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What's the best thing to give a dog with a fever?

Tomato sauce and mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bkluc/whats_the_best_thing_to_give_a_dog_with_a_fever/
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What do you call a spanish child molester?

A Pedrophile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bkllj/what_do_you_call_a_spanish_child_molester/
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I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself...

No 'fence.
Nun taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bkj65/i_noticed_that_the_local_convent_has_no_security/
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CoD WW2 is so realistic...

Even the servers are from 1941.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bkdgw/cod_ww2_is_so_realistic/
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Gay people are less evolved than everyone else

When they get turned on, they're practically Homo Erectus.
(note: its a joke, dont get offended. im gay myself)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bkclk/gay_people_are_less_evolved_than_everyone_else/
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Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators...

From this, we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bkbp2/recent_studies_show_that_43_of_women_have_used/
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My teacher accused me of plagiarism

His words not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bkb2o/my_teacher_accused_me_of_plagiarism/
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[LONG] A joke my uncle told me the other day

A helicopter pilot takes his grandfather along with him on the helicopter and decides to do some stunts in the air.
&nbsp;
The first stunt involves flying rapidly towards a mountain and dodging it just in time. After that, the grandfather says: "I expected this."
&nbsp;
During the second stunt, the pilot flies the copter towards the ground and just before hitting it, flies up again. To which the grandfather says: "Yeah, I expected this too."
&nbsp;
The third stunt consists of upside down loops in the air. After that, the old man says: "Well, I didn't expect this!"
&nbsp;
After the flight, they descend the helicopter. When on the ground, the pilot asks his grandfather: "What was all the 'I expected this' and 'I expected that' all about?", to which the old man replies: "Well son, I expected peeing myself. I also expected crapping myself while scared. But I surely didn't expect all of this to land on my neck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bkaf8/long_a_joke_my_uncle_told_me_the_other_day/
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How do you make a Tupac cocktail?

Start by putting six shots in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bk9q1/how_do_you_make_a_tupac_cocktail/
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If you have an expensive picture of water...

Would that mean you have a good liquid asset?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bk671/if_you_have_an_expensive_picture_of_water/
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A dentist passed away

His tombstone reads: "He filled his last cavity".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bk406/a_dentist_passed_away/
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My Dad is mean :(

So, today's my dad birthday, and I got him some socks. He then looked at me like I was crazy and called me a cunt. Jeez, not my fault he doesn't have any legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bk1u2/my_dad_is_mean/
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This girl once told me she wanted me to do it doggy style.

So I licked her face, crapped on the carpet and bit her mailman in the ankle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bjvkx/this_girl_once_told_me_she_wanted_me_to_do_it/
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Why did the man in the stretcher apologize?

Because he got carried away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bjue4/why_did_the_man_in_the_stretcher_apologize/
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How many flat earthers does it take to screw in a light bulb

Trick question it’s a light disk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bjeba/how_many_flat_earthers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Released today

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today !!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bjcpu/released_today/
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What did the Viking say when hanging out his laundry?

"Today is a good day to dry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bj9f4/what_did_the_viking_say_when_hanging_out_his/
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Life is quite hard for people in wheelchairs.

They keep on being pushed around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bj2z0/life_is_quite_hard_for_people_in_wheelchairs/
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What do you call a potter who has arthritis?

Clay Aiken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bj2wz/what_do_you_call_a_potter_who_has_arthritis/
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How did Russell Crowe feel after cannibalizing a woman?

He was gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bj0iy/how_did_russell_crowe_feel_after_cannibalizing_a/
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A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the eggs case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bizj4/a_new_supermarket_opened_near_my_house/
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If a tree falls in the forest

And the wife doesnt hear it
Is it still the husbands fault?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bixql/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_forest/
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If Saddam Hussein had married Little Miss Muffet...

would the Kurds have had their whey?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7biw8z/if_saddam_hussein_had_married_little_miss_muffet/
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A priest, a minister and a rabbi are playing golf.

They're discussing how to distribute the charity they've received this week.  The priest suggests "We draw a big circle on the green, we throw all the money up in the air, whatever lands inside the circle, we give to God."  The minister says "No. We draw a big circle on the green, we throw the money up in the air, whatever lands **outside** the circle, we give to God."  The rabbi says "No, no, no.  We throw all the money in the air, whatever God wants, he keeps."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7biuxa/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_are_playing_golf/
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What kind of fruit always has big weddings?

Can’t-elope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7biuun/what_kind_of_fruit_always_has_big_weddings/
%
Why did the hippy drown?

He was to far out man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bisxn/why_did_the_hippy_drown/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...

Not yelling and screaming in terror like all the passengers on his bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bipn3/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
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A very drunk man walks in to a pub

He tells the bartender "bartender, I want a drink.  In fact, give everyone in here a drink on me. You have a drink with us, too."  The bartender serves everyone a drink of their choosing and himself then hands the drunk man the bill.  The drunk man pats himself down looking for his wallet and says "it appears I've misplaced my wallet."  The bartender gets upset, grabs the drunk man by his neck, drags him out back and kicks the ever-lovin-shit out of the drunk man.  A few minutes later the drunk man walks in and says "Bartender, I'm buying another drink for everyone in here.  But not you.  You get mean when you drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7biplu/a_very_drunk_man_walks_in_to_a_pub/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7biguz/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bigok/did_you_know_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
Why was Obi Wan Kenobi fired from his job as a marriage guidance counsellor?

He kept telling people to "use divorce"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bi6s9/why_was_obi_wan_kenobi_fired_from_his_job_as_a/
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What should you do if someone hates on your puns?

Punish them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bi2k9/what_should_you_do_if_someone_hates_on_your_puns/
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I will never forget the first words my son uttered to me.

"Where the fuck have you been the last 19 years you motherfucker?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bhysl/i_will_never_forget_the_first_words_my_son/
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A man walks into a bar

and notices a horse at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender, "hey why is there a horse down thwre?" The bartender says "I'll get you a free drink you can't make that horse laugh."
So the man goes to the horse, whispers in his ear, and the horse starts laughing. So the bartender says "Double or nothing, you can't make him cry."
So the man goes down to the horse, whispers in his ear, and the horse starts crying.
The bartender asks the man, "What the hell did you say to him?"
The man replies, "well to make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his. To make him cry, I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bhwwc/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man and his date are walking in the park

His date asks him to impress her. "Well", he says, "I can talk to animals".
"Prove it", she responds.
"Watch this".
The man walks up to a group of ducks.
"What's up, you fucking ducks?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bhuaj/a_man_and_his_date_are_walking_in_the_park/
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Mom: get up Liam, you will be late for school

Liam: but I don't wanna go, all the teachers and students hate me
Mom: you have to go
Liam: give me one reason why I should go
Mom: you're 35, and you're the principal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bhqk5/mom_get_up_liam_you_will_be_late_for_school/
%
Thanksgiving...

The only holiday where you eat the mascot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bhmjo/thanksgiving/
%
A police officer sees a kid who plays with clay.

The police asks the kid: ''What are you doing?''
Kid says, ''A sculpture of a policeman.''
Police asks with curiously, ''Oh nice! But how do you do that?''
Kid, ''It's really simple actually. You just make figures with mud and shit!''
The police gets angry, slaps the children and says, ''You won't make a policeman again, that's an order!''
One week later police officer sees the kid again who plays with clay.
The police asks the kid, ''What are you doing?''
Kid says, '' Again a sculpture of a policeman.''
Police asks, ''How do you do that?''
Kid, ''As I said before you just make figures with mud and shit!''
The police gets angry again, slaps the children again and says, ''You won't make a policeman again, that's an order!''
One week later police officer sees the kid again.
The police asks angrily, ''What are you doing?!''
Kid replies, ''I'm just making soldiers!''
Police asks curiously, ''How do you do that?''
Kid replies, ''You just make figures with mud!''
Police asks, ''But there isn't shit in this?''
Kid, ''Because if I put shit in this it will be a policeman!''
P.S. This is a Turkish joke and I just wanted to translate to you. So, sory for the bad English!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bhkqf/a_police_officer_sees_a_kid_who_plays_with_clay/
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What is the one thing that everyone can agree on?

Terms and Conditions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bhgtb/what_is_the_one_thing_that_everyone_can_agree_on/
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I don't get why people are scared of computers taking Jobs.

Cancer got him first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bhcsg/i_dont_get_why_people_are_scared_of_computers/
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FOR SALE: Typewriter!

In perfet ondition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bh8b2/for_sale_typewriter/
%
I bought my girlfriend a cheap and easy vegetarian cookbook....

Because not only is she a vegetarian....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bh87d/i_bought_my_girlfriend_a_cheap_and_easy/
%
My buddy is a doctor. When he got a nasty cut, he insisted he'd be able to do his own stitches.

I said, "Fine, suture self."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bh83g/my_buddy_is_a_doctor_when_he_got_a_nasty_cut_he/
%
How long does it take a cinematographer to smoke a cigarette?

The same as anyone but it takes him 2 hours to light it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bh370/how_long_does_it_take_a_cinematographer_to_smoke/
%
Without the Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11.

It would be IX/XI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bh01y/without_the_arabs_we_wouldnt_have_911/
%
I heard a joke about a subreddit the other day.

It was r/right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bgxx0/i_heard_a_joke_about_a_subreddit_the_other_day/
%
What do you call it when Stephen Hawking gets a raging hard on?

A bonerfied genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bgxf5/what_do_you_call_it_when_stephen_hawking_gets_a/
%
What did the condemned prisoner say when he was informed that the hangman forgot the rope?

No noose is good noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bgucw/what_did_the_condemned_prisoner_say_when_he_was/
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I like my women like I like my hard disks.

Mountable and not FAT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bgtr0/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_hard_disks/
%
Man goes to buy a house

a man goes to buy a house, and he found one very good looking one. it was near the beach, it was big and it was cheap. So the man goes to see the house with the seller. They tour the house and it looks like it is everything he coud want, big, cheap and great view. when they arrive to the bathroom the seller turns around and says "ok we have one condition about this house. DO NOT press that button on the bathroom wall." The man looks over to the seller who is pointing at the wall and sees a big red button at the wall. he thought "fair enough this is a great house otherwise". the man buys the house.
he spent his days enjoying the house, it was perfect in every way. but the nagging in his head never stopped "what woud that button do?". so one day he finally said out loud "this is my house dammit i can do what ever i want in it!" he went to the bathroom and pressed the button BEEB wall opened and there was big robot and it spoke: "with or without vaseline?" then man stuttered "wi-wi-without" then the robot grabbed the man and proceeded to pound him two hours straight. dry. the man was mortified and promised himself
never to touch that button again.
But, one day when he was leaving the shower, he slipped and accidently pressed the button again BEEB . to his horror the wall opened once more and the same big robot repeated the question "with or without vaseline?" this time he said "WITH vaseline!" BEEB another wall opened and there was another robot almost twice the size of the other robot "HELLO MY NAME IS VASELINE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bgscc/man_goes_to_buy_a_house/
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My girlfriend just text me, "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what "ternative" means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bgq8m/my_girlfriend_just_text_me/
%
What is a ghosts favorite thing to drink on Halloween?

Boooooooooooze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bgoov/what_is_a_ghosts_favorite_thing_to_drink_on/
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College Lecture

A university professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably golfing with his buddies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bghxr/college_lecture/
%
A man runs into a pub...

"Quick", says the man, "how tall is a penguin?"
"About this high" says the bartender, holding his hand about 3 feet off the ground
"Fuck, I think I've just run over a nun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bgcbj/a_man_runs_into_a_pub/
%
Why are paediatricians always angry?

Because they have little patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bfwm7/why_are_paediatricians_always_angry/
%
When Jesus Christ was crucified his cross was custom made

It fit him to a t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bftmz/when_jesus_christ_was_crucified_his_cross_was/
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What do you call a noodle that doesn’t belong?

An impasta ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bfrbn/what_do_you_call_a_noodle_that_doesnt_belong/
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I like my women like i like my coffee

Insanely hot and all over my crotch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bfoyl/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I used her as bait to lure an Italian plumber into my castle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bfoc7/my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_to_be_treated_like/
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US Healthcare

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
''Mrs. Sanders, please."
''Speaking."
''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."
''What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV(AIDS). We can't tell which is which."
''That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
''The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bfnsb/us_healthcare/
%
Communism jokes...

not funny unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bfn4f/communism_jokes/
%
What’s the difference between STDs and friends?

I don’t have any friends...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bflsg/whats_the_difference_between_stds_and_friends/
%
A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"
The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bfieg/a_100_year_old_japanese_man_is_being_interviewed/
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The worst way to write a joke on Reddit is...

The worst way to write a joke on Reddit is when the title repeats in the body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bfghz/the_worst_way_to_write_a_joke_on_reddit_is/
%
Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bfeam/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
An old Korean saying:

"If the dog is barking, you didn't cook it enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bf8o3/an_old_korean_saying/
%
Billy goes to spend the weekend with Jane, his cousin...

On her house, she tells him he will sleep on the bottom bunk bed, because she liked the top.
During the night, believing that Billy is asleep, Jane goes to the front door to let her boyfriend in. Her boyfriend goes to the bedroom and climbs the bunk with her. Jane warns her boyfriend that Billy is just a kid and she wouldn't want him to know the nasty things the couple will be doing up there.
As they tend to talk dirty aloud during sex, they come up with codes: "carrot" was dick, "lettuce" was vagina, "egg" was mouth and "tomato" was asshole. And so they begin to wiggle about and shouting sentences like "oh! shove that carrot in my tomato! sit that lettuce in my egg!" and all kinds of combinations with their code words.
Obviously at this point Billy was awake and upset, hearing the whole ordeal. When his patience finally runs out he climbs there and shouts "STOP MAKING THIS SALAD ALREADY! THE MAYO IS SPILLING DOWN HERE!"
[did my best to translate the original joke from my native language!]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bf83o/billy_goes_to_spend_the_weekend_with_jane_his/
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What's the definition of irony? (This happened to me today)

Asked a transgender co-worker why he won't upgrade from Windows 7 to 10.
He said he didn't like change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bf74i/whats_the_definition_of_irony_this_happened_to_me/
%
I tried holding a door for a dude at the bar the other night and he flew off the fucking handle, screaming at me...

....SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR I'M TRYING TO TAKE A SHIT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bf3ad/i_tried_holding_a_door_for_a_dude_at_the_bar_the/
%
If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bf24x/if_there_was_a_bipartisan_push_in_congress_to/
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The Hundred-Mile-per-Hour Goat

Two Pennsylvania rednecks are out rabbit hunting, and as they are walking along through the woods, they came upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says, "I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there.  Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it into the hole. They're standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them.  As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped . . .headfirst into this here hole!!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bf204/the_hundredmileperhour_goat/
%
Pet shop

A little girl walks in to a pet shop and ask the owner for a rabbit the owner heart melts and says what kind of rabbit do you want a white rabbit a brown rabbit or a grey rabbit and the little girl says "I don't think my python gives a fuck "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7beyq9/pet_shop/
%
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye, he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage, to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bex6x/a_very_elderly_couple_is_having_an_elegant_dinner/
%
What is the similarity between a priest and a christmas tree?

The balls are just for decoration!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7beruw/what_is_the_similarity_between_a_priest_and_a/
%
The biggest liar

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bel81/the_biggest_liar/
%
What did the pacifist cannibal do to earn his bad reputation?

Nothing. He's just full of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bej95/what_did_the_pacifist_cannibal_do_to_earn_his_bad/
%
I was talking to my West Virginian friend the other day...

He told me that the day before the girl he liked told him “you’re like a brother to me.”
I felt pretty bad for him and I told him I know how it feels to be friend zoned, he gave me a confused look and said “friend zone? How can I be in the friend zone, after she said that we went to her place and fucked.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7beh9x/i_was_talking_to_my_west_virginian_friend_the/
%
What did the fish say, when he posted bail?

I'm off the hook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7begyd/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_posted_bail/
%
Please don't bother teaching a giraffe to perform fellatio.

It's just not going to go down well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7beg3b/please_dont_bother_teaching_a_giraffe_to_perform/
%
What do you call a bear without teeth

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7be6ju/what_do_you_call_a_bear_without_teeth/
%
What type of computer sings?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7be4rq/what_type_of_computer_sings/
%
Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.

The mime next door went nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7be2tk/last_night_i_played_a_blank_tape_at_full_volume/
%
What do you call a debate club that only meets once a year?

The United States Congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7be0h1/what_do_you_call_a_debate_club_that_only_meets/
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I have no idea why people say the bible is anti gay

I definitely remember something about Jesus getting nailed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7be0db/i_have_no_idea_why_people_say_the_bible_is_anti/
%
Whats the single most important metric in brothel reviews?

Most bang for your buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bdo57/whats_the_single_most_important_metric_in_brothel/
%
Women are like computers.

You never really appreciate them until they go down on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bdn8r/women_are_like_computers/
%
My girl made fun of me, saying that my penis size is just average.

What a mean thing to say!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bddt3/my_girl_made_fun_of_me_saying_that_my_penis_size/
%
Children are like farts.

You don't mind your own but other people's are disgusting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bdbly/children_are_like_farts/
%
TIL: Penguins scream while having sex

I'm not sure if all of them do. I only know that the one I cornered in the zoo did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bd5vl/til_penguins_scream_while_having_sex/
%
What do you call a fat medium?

Four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bd5gv/what_do_you_call_a_fat_medium/
%
What do Amish people call their children?

Omelets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bd53o/what_do_amish_people_call_their_children/
%
Why is leather armor best for sneaking?

It's literally made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bd2kh/why_is_leather_armor_best_for_sneaking/
%
"Have you seen my vegetarian girlfriend?"

"No, I have not seen herbivore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bd2ch/have_you_seen_my_vegetarian_girlfriend/
%
What did the Chinese volcanologist say when he dropped a rock on his foot?

"Ah! Krakatoa!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bd1b3/what_did_the_chinese_volcanologist_say_when_he/
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The Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcz7j/the_pickle_slicer/
%
I've known my whole life that I'm an amazing back-up singer.

Every time I start to sing. People back-up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcy8d/ive_known_my_whole_life_that_im_an_amazing_backup/
%
Do cannibals refer to...

Homeless people as “Free Range”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcy66/do_cannibals_refer_to/
%
When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset..

..they will be paying per fume.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcxbw/when_the_carbon_tax_comes_into_effect_fragrance/
%
During a dance at the retirement home...

The local retirement home decided to have a dance for the residents,  a sort of a prom. So all the men and women dressed in their best and gathered in the common area.
During the evening, Elmer, an 85 year old stud, spies Mabel, a 68 year old beauty  he begins to flirt, and soon asks her back to his room. One thing leads to another and soon they are furiously making out. Finally, in the darkness, Elmer mounts Mabel and gives the the rogering of her life. After some time they beautifully climax together.
As they are lying next to each other, Elmer says "If I'd known how tight you  were, I'd have used a bit of Vaseline, I hope I didn't hurt you."
Mabel replies, "I am fine. If I'd known you would really get it up, I'd have taken off my pantyhose".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcw4j/during_a_dance_at_the_retirement_home/
%
I never knew mountain ranges were so funny

they’re actually hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bctc0/i_never_knew_mountain_ranges_were_so_funny/
%
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

I can actually punch information into a computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcrwq/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
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A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning

He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcr8g/a_russian_named_rudolf_woke_up_one_morning/
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Where are the happiest people on earth?

At Chernobyl. They are radiating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcqpc/where_are_the_happiest_people_on_earth/
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Women's ass size study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses and the results were pretty interesting.
30% of women think their ass is too fat,
10% of women think their ass is too skinny,
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcosa/womens_ass_size_study/
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What do you call a bee that lives in the United States?

USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcogv/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_lives_in_the_united/
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I know a great vagina joke...

Too bad most of you won't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcnm1/i_know_a_great_vagina_joke/
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A guy with a bad stutter goes to see the doctor. [nsfw]

He tells the doctor the stutter is ruining his life by making it very hard to get a date. The doctor recommends a thorough examination to which the guy agrees.
When the guy drops his pants, the doctor sees an enormous penis and determines that is the cause of the stutter.
“What can be done?” the guy asks.
“The only way to correct the problem is to reduce the size of your penis,” days the doctor.
It’s a very difficult decision for obvious reasons, but  the guy figures it’s better to be able to go on dates so decides to go through with the procedure.
The operation is a complete success and the guy’s stutter is completely gone. He’s so excited and immediately strikes up conversations with women and sets up dates.
Many of the dates go well and he takes the women back to his place. But every time, when they get into bed, the women laugh at his now very small penis and leave.
The guy goes back to the doctor knowing that he made a mistake and needs to reverse the operation.
He sits down in the doctor’s office and explains the situation. “Doctor, I need to reverse the operation as soon as possible!”
But the doctor replies, “su-su-su-su-sorry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcmrb/a_guy_with_a_bad_stutter_goes_to_see_the_doctor/
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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is
an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants
sex, don’t resist, don’t complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bclnl/a_man_escapes_from_a_prison_where_hes_been_locked/
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My brother threw a milk carton at me

How dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcl1u/my_brother_threw_a_milk_carton_at_me/
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The Dalai Lama walks into a Pizza Express

And asks: "Can you make me one with everything?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bchfi/the_dalai_lama_walks_into_a_pizza_express/
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Dark humor is like food

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bch4x/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic...

He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bccvb/my_grandfather_tried_to_warn_them_about_the/
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Reddit jokes are like Australian Prime Ministers

There's been way too many fucking terrible ones to account for the three or four good ones, and even shitter ones just keep coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcc56/reddit_jokes_are_like_australian_prime_ministers/
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What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?

The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldnt find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious Basterds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bcaso/what_do_harvey_weinstein_and_kevin_spacey_have_in/
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There is a big difference between an alcoholic and me

An alcoholic needs a beer......I already have mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bc72c/there_is_a_big_difference_between_an_alcoholic/
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Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bc6jz/just_saw_a_man_slumped_over_a_lawn_mower_crying/
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My friend went on a date with a neo-Nazi.

She said it went alt-right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bc3je/my_friend_went_on_a_date_with_a_neonazi/
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In Art Class...

Teacher: Why did you submit a blank sheet?
Student: That's a cow in the field.
Teacher: Field? Where's the grass?
Student: The cow ate it.
Teacher: Then, where's the cow?
Student: There's no grass left, you expect it to stay there..?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bc3e8/in_art_class/
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Two explorers are exploring the Arctic

After some walking, they come across an igloo.
The first explorer turns to his colleague and says, “An ice house!”
The second replies, “A nice house, indeed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bc1a9/two_explorers_are_exploring_the_arctic/
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America is going through such bad luck at the moment

It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbz32/america_is_going_through_such_bad_luck_at_the/
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I'm a dick.

Short, and not very fun to play with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbttb/im_a_dick/
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Success means different things at different times of life

At age  4, success means not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success means having friends.
At age 17, success means having a driver's license.
At age 25, success means having sex.
At age 35, success means having money.
At age 45, success means having money.
At age 55, success means having sex.
At age 65, success means having a driver's license.
At age 75, success means having friends.
At age 85, success means not peeing in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbt67/success_means_different_things_at_different_times/
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What remained after the cheese factory exploded?

De brie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbsih/what_remained_after_the_cheese_factory_exploded/
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Did you hear about the schoolkid who went blind learning about the alphabet?

He never got to C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbrc0/did_you_hear_about_the_schoolkid_who_went_blind/
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Jokes on reddit are like US presidents.

They used to be dark but now they are pretty racists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbqpn/jokes_on_reddit_are_like_us_presidents/
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What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbott/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_in_sandals/
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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

How lazy are you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbo80/if_i_won_the_award_for_laziness_i_would_send/
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A man is sitting next to a woman on an airplane

She sneezes, and kind of tenses up. The man looks over, then looks away. The woman sneezes again, and tenses up kinda shaking. He looks over, watches her. She sneezes about 4 more times. Now she is violently shaking he asks, “are you okay?” A bit worried, she reply’s, “yes! I have this disease where every time I sneeze, I orgasm!” He says, “oh my goodness, are you taking anything for that?” She reply’s with a smile, “of course! Pepper.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbn19/a_man_is_sitting_next_to_a_woman_on_an_airplane/
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I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

Now I have a bit of company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbl9h/i_was_feeling_lonely_so_i_bought_some_shares/
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What do you use to meassure the weight of a photo?

Instagrams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbl08/what_do_you_use_to_meassure_the_weight_of_a_photo/
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Two construction workers are working in a building.

One works on the first floor and the other works on the 2nd floor.
That day the construction worker on the first floor realized that he needed a handsaw, so he yells up to the second construction worker and said, "Hey Tim! I need a handsaw, can you please throw one down to me!?!"
Tim couldn't hear so he looked at him and was like,
"What!?"
So the first construction worker decides to point to his "eye" which means "I", then he points to his knee, which means "I NEED" then he makes a handsaw cutting motion with his hands meaning "I need a handsaw."
Tim sees this, nods, pulls out his dick and then starts masturbating.
The first construction worker sees this, gets angry and runs up to Tim and yells, "Tim what is wrong with you! I told you I needed a handsaw!"
Tim then looks at him and says, "I know. I just wanted to tell you that I was coming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbkqe/two_construction_workers_are_working_in_a_building/
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A psychic dwarf escaped from jail

The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbjv4/a_psychic_dwarf_escaped_from_jail/
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"I made a terrible faux pas last night." a man confided to his friend.

"My wife and I were catching the train to the city to dine out. The ticket seller was a young lady with lovely breasts and instead of saying, 'Two tickets to the city please.'  I said 'Two titties to the cicket please'. It was awfully embarrassing."
"Don't worry about it." his friend said. "I did a very similar thing last night".
"My wife and I were having dinner and instead of saying, 'Darling, could you please pass me the salt?' I said, 'You stupid bitch. You ruined my life.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbikh/i_made_a_terrible_faux_pas_last_night_a_man/
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What just screams “I’m insecure about my body”?

Me when I look in the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbe3f/what_just_screams_im_insecure_about_my_body/
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The tale of Louise.

Once upon a time there was a 7-year-old girl named Louise. Now from a young age Louise had always had an interest in science. Someday she wanted to be an astronaut, to pilot a spaceship, and to explore alien worlds, but she didn't have time for any of those things. You see, Louise's family owned this farm, and any time Louise wanted to, say, build a model spaceship or "plot her Mars base" (complete with a room that was filled with kitty cats!), as she would often do, her father would say "Sorry, Louise, there's manure to scoop." and she would have to go and shovel manure. So Louise would go and she'd shovel the manure.
Louise had a secret, however. She had discovered this secret the day after her older sister moved out. One of the walls in her room could slide back to reveal a hidden room. Inside this room she kept all her "space gear": space goggles, a map of the solar system, a series of stories she wrote about this alien race she made up and all the hell that would break loose when humans encounter them.
Today was Louise's 14th birthday, and she was tired of shoveling manure. Louise wanted nothing more than to finally speak her mind. She wanted to become a scientist, not work on some farm for the rest of her life. Her parents were eventually persuaded. When she was 18 she left and went to college, got a master's degree in astrophysics, and got a job at NASA.
Louise eventually met a fantastic man named Matt and they fell in love. Within three years they were married and they had one child, a girl named Cassie. Cassie was also interested in science and, of course, her parents were far more allowing of that than Louise's had been.
But all was not perfect. Matt, unfortunately, was killed in a car crash when Cassie was 10. Louise did her best to raise her child on her own.
Cassie went on to discover a strange new species of rabbit found deep underground. They were quite intelligent, and they could breathe without needing oxygen. Cassie had the idea that these rabbits could be used to explore Mars. And soon, Mike and Jake, two space rabbits, were sent out on a mission to Mars.
Mike and Jake, while piloting the spaceship, discovered that there was a stowaway on their ship. Who could it be?
They looked around.
Then they searched some more.
The stowaway was hard to find, but eventually they found him, a rabbit named Kevin. Now Kevin was very annoying, and he annoyed the crap out of Mike and Jake while they tried to make it to Mars. Still, there was nothing the two NASA rabbits could do, they were pretty close to approaching Mars and their best option was just to go with it.
So the three space rabbits landed on Mars eventually. Mike was excited, Jake was kinda scared, and Kevin had resorted to singing "1000 bottles of beer on the wall". They wandered around the planet rather aimlessly for a while, with nothing to really report. They traveled and traveled and traveled and it seemed like they had been there for an eternity. Eventually, the rabbits heard a strange noise with their large rabbit ears.
*thump thump thump thump thump*
They wondered what that noise could be and started to make their way towards it. Eventually the sound grew louder.
*THUMP THUMP THUMP*
And eventually it sounded like... a beat? Music perhaps?
*T H U M P  T H U M P  T H U M P  T H U M P*
And... they saw it. A silhouette over the horizon. It looked like a rock. No, it was a house. A house? On Mars? Kevin was still annoying as ever and now down to "4 bottles of beer on the wall".
They traveled closer to the house. It was definitely a house. A giant mansion of a house. And it was packed to the brim with martians having a party of some sort.
There were martians in the pool, martians on the roof, martians dead on the pavement. The space rabbits were hungry after their long trip and decided to grab some pizza at this party. But the line to get the pizza was RIDICULOUSLY long. It went upstairs, downstairs again, out the door and around the house at least five times. They gave up on getting pizza. What rabbits eat pizza anyways? So they decided to get some snacks. Chips, pretzels, and the like. But this line was even longer. It went upstairs, downstairs again, out the door and around the house at least ten times. The rabbits were famished and parched. Then, they saw it. They saw it at last. Adventurous Louise, spirited Cassie, and obnoxious Kevin had all led up to this moment. This moment when they could be the first rabbits to set foot on Mars, and, while on Mars consume a fruity drink. Do you know why? Well, there was no punch line.
^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbblu/the_tale_of_louise/
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A guy walks into a bank

and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account".
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bbaqs/a_guy_walks_into_a_bank/
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bb908/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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I finished 3 books today..

Might not sound like it, but that's a lot of colouring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bb6kh/i_finished_3_books_today/
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There is a 25 year old guy walking a tightrope across a Deep River Gorge while Halfway Around the World another 25 year old guy was getting a blowjob from a 70 year old woman but at the exact moment both men were thinking the exact same thought

Don't Look Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bb3c8/there_is_a_25_year_old_guy_walking_a_tightrope/
%
If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bb2os/if_a_muslim_beats_his_wife/
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I like my women like I like my glasses

Sitting on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bb1mk/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_glasses/
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Today I heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7baz0p/today_i_heard_a_joke_about_oedipus_and_midas/
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What did the penis say to the testicles?

Hang on there, I'm coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7batxw/what_did_the_penis_say_to_the_testicles/
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My girlfriend is like my earbuds

Nowhere to be found.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bap2u/my_girlfriend_is_like_my_earbuds/
%
I was surfing for porn and came across this wierd film with a guy sitting in his couch crying while masturbating

Then I noticed my computer wasn't turned on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ban73/i_was_surfing_for_porn_and_came_across_this_wierd/
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A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.

The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha!
This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bamzj/a_blonde_was_speeding_in_a_35_mile_per_hour_zone/
%
A cop pulls over a miner and asks

"Sir, whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do as a profession?"
And the miner replies "Mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bakzn/a_cop_pulls_over_a_miner_and_asks/
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I hate when people use the year as a justification to an opinion.

Its 2017, we should be way past that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bakca/i_hate_when_people_use_the_year_as_a/
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3 blondes trying to cross a river

3 blondes are trying to cross a river.
The first blonde prays to god and asks to be more intelligent so she can cross the river. God agrees and makes her a brunette so she swims across the river.
The second blonde prays to god and asks to be even smarter than the last so she can cross the river faster. God agrees and makes her a redhead so she builds a row boat and crosses the river.
The last blonde prays to god to be even smarter than the last so she can cross the river even faster.
God agrees and turns her into a man and she uses the bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bajlm/3_blondes_trying_to_cross_a_river/
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Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored...

Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but nobody gives a damn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bahnd/between_the_ages_of_16_and_18_she_is_like_africa/
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I don’t see the point of a pocket calculator.

Who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bah6v/i_dont_see_the_point_of_a_pocket_calculator/
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R/jokes runs like communism...

We share everything, but really there's nothing new to share

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bagzp/rjokes_runs_like_communism/
%
Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Certainly not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7bag7t/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_clickbait/
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"...and for my next trick, I will eat this rope..."

"...and shit you knot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7babp5/and_for_my_next_trick_i_will_eat_this_rope/
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What's Kevin Spacey's favorite college?

Brigham Young

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7baa12/whats_kevin_spaceys_favorite_college/
%
Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remebered vegans feed off of attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ba9nr/sometimes_i_wonder_how_vegans_survive_off_of_what/
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Children are like testicles.

If anyone hurts mine then I'm bound to cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ba67d/children_are_like_testicles/
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Does anyone know why people are buying Chris Brown's new album?

Because it beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ba4ji/does_anyone_know_why_people_are_buying_chris/
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Why is Jesus Christ the worst perosn to play first person shooters with?

He takes three days to respawn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ba4gc/why_is_jesus_christ_the_worst_perosn_to_play/
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Tim, the 68-year old virgin died yesterday.

He never got to 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ba469/tim_the_68year_old_virgin_died_yesterday/
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I walked up to a girl in a bar and told her "you're the most average girl in here"

Her: well you're very mean
Me: No you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ba1p5/i_walked_up_to_a_girl_in_a_bar_and_told_her_youre/
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I don't understand why so many people like anal sex.

Personally, it left a bad taste in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ba0hy/i_dont_understand_why_so_many_people_like_anal_sex/
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The orgy I organized was a complete disaster

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ba06r/the_orgy_i_organized_was_a_complete_disaster/
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What do Monica Lewinsky and the Green Bay Packers have in common?

They both love Clinton-Dix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b9yxa/what_do_monica_lewinsky_and_the_green_bay_packers/
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A mailman is on his last route before retirement. [NSFW]

He comes up to one of the last houses and, to his surprise, the wife opens the door in a bathrobe when he is about to put mail into the slot.
She asks if he’d like to come inside to which he agrees. Once inside she asks if he likes to see. He replies “yes, of course.” She then drops he robe and asks him to follow her upstairs to the bedroom. Once upstairs, he finds her naked in bed. After having sex, she asks him to stay in bed until she calls him.
After a long while, she calls to him “come down to the kitchen!”
When he gets downstairs, he finds an amazing breakfast spread: pancakes, eggs, waffles, the works. “Eat up,” she says.
After the delicious meal, she asks him to turn over his plate. Underneath he finds a $1 bill taped in place. He looks at her confused to which she replies:
“Last night I told my husband it was your last day today and asked what we should give you. He said, fuck ‘em, give him $1! Breakfast, that was my idea!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b9vz6/a_mailman_is_on_his_last_route_before_retirement/
%
I used to work at a company that made fire hydrants

but i couldn't park anywhere near the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b9tpk/i_used_to_work_at_a_company_that_made_fire/
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If you spin an Asian man around really really fast...

Does he become a disoriental?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b9t0m/if_you_spin_an_asian_man_around_really_really_fast/
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I like my women like i like my coffee

I don't like coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b9rg5/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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4 homosexual men were sitting in a hot tub. [NSFW]

A wad of semen floated to the top. One of them says, “All right, who farted?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b9q9j/4_homosexual_men_were_sitting_in_a_hot_tub_nsfw/
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A policeman stopped me for driving over 30.

But I swear I got at least 40 people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b9q9h/a_policeman_stopped_me_for_driving_over_30/
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A guy goes to the doctor for a physical. [Long]

The doctor tells him they have a new machine that can diagnose all ailments with 100% accuracy with a urine sample and would like to have him be the first to use it. The guy, curious, agrees.
The guy gives a urine sample and the doctor pours it into the machine. After some beeping and booping the machine spits out a sheet of paper. The doctor turns to the guy and says he is suffering from tennis elbow.
Perplexed, the guy informs the doctor that he does not have tennis elbow. The doctor calmly explains that the machine is 100% accurate which angers the guy. The guy then requests to run the test again to which the doctor agrees.
With a clever plan in mind, the guy tells the doctor his bladder is empty, so needs to provide the sample the next day. The doctor gives him a cup and the guy heads home.
Once home, the guy urinates into the cup. He then asks his wife to add some of hers. Then he asks his daughter. Then he goes into the garage, gets some oil from his car and adds that to the sample. And as a finishing touch, the guy masterbates and adds it to the sample. He mixes it all up good with a grin.
The next morning the guy goes to the doctor and provides the sample. The doctor pours it into the machine and picks up the results after a few moments then turns to the guy and informs him of the results:
“Your car needs an oil change, your wife has gonorrhea, your daughter is pregnant and if you keep masturbating like that, your tennis elbow is only going to get worse.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b9o6x/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_physical_long/
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Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

Italians don't like **ANY** witnesses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b9nnd/why_dont_italians_like_jehovahs_witnesses/
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A magician was driving down the street.

Then he turned into a driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b9jtl/a_magician_was_driving_down_the_street/
%
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b9jmz/where_do_animals_go_when_their_tails_fall_off/
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To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b9gyk/to_teach_kids_about_democracy_i_let_them_vote_on/
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Chemistry Joke

I ordered a glass of H2O, my friend ordered a glass of H2O too but he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b9doy/chemistry_joke/
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What did the hat say to the tie?

You hang around, I'll go on ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b9813/what_did_the_hat_say_to_the_tie/
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A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists.

"Are you guys alright?" asks the conservative.
"No, we're mostly left."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b97n0/a_conservative_gets_into_a_car_accident_with_a/
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Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

I don't mind 5k at all, but my team is thinking about doing a 10k and I **really** don't like participating in them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b93qw/is_it_wrong_to_hate_a_certain_race/
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I hate my math teacher

Shes so mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b8xa5/i_hate_my_math_teacher/
%
Why can’t banks keep secrets?

There are too many tellers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b8w6s/why_cant_banks_keep_secrets/
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A man undergoes a new procedure and has penis replaced

With an elephant trunk.  He hasn't told his girlfriend because he wants to surprise her on their wedding night.  He is having dinner at the future in-laws house and they are having steak and baked potato. They pass the plate of potatoes to him and out of nowhere something darts out from between his legs grabs a potato and disappears back under the table.  Everyone is shocked but doesn't say anything.  The plate passes by him and again something darts out grabs a potato and disappears back under the table.  The father finally speaks up and says "Wow that is amazing.  Do it again".  The embarrassed man says "I would but I don't think my ass can fit another potato."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b8v89/a_man_undergoes_a_new_procedure_and_has_penis/
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I have this great joke about procrastination.....

I'll tell you later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b8v28/i_have_this_great_joke_about_procrastination/
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Daughter: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mother: " I told you not to call me "Mom" in front of people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b8t16/daughter_mom_am_i_ugly/
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Once I saw a guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said "Die, heretic!" and pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b8s2e/once_i_saw_a_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
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A bird flies South

A bird overstayed his summer and was rushing to beat the cold by flying south.
Very soon the little bird became too cold to fly and it crashed to the ground. In a matter of minutes the little bird started to freeze solid and thus became unconscious.
There comes a cow from uphill and saw to help the little bird by covering the little bird in cow dung. The little bird awakes and notices how warm it turned out to be, and expressed his appreciation by singing a happy tune.
The tune carried through the field and startled the attention of a cat. The cat starts to follow the sound of that tune she was hearing. It didn’t take the cat very long and found the bird sitting in a pile of cow dung, dug him out and ate him.
The moral of the story is, that not everyone that shits on you is your enemy and not everyone who pulls you out of it is your friend. Therefore, if you find yourself stuck in a pile of shit, it’s sometimes wise to just keep your fucking mouth shut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b8p92/a_bird_flies_south/
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Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b8ivt/roger_85_married_jenny_a_lovely_25_year_old/
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Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b8c3b/why_does_everyone_add_salt_to_their_meals/
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As I was walking along a city street, a man pulled a knife and tried to jump me. "I'll have you know, I've beaten off two men at once," I warned him. "I take on all comers!"

Anyway, we're dating now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b805a/as_i_was_walking_along_a_city_street_a_man_pulled/
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Jokes on reddit are like US presidents.

You might see a new one every four years or so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b7zho/jokes_on_reddit_are_like_us_presidents/
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My friend's call me a paedophile just because my girlfriend "looks thirteen".

Jokes on them, though. She's actually twelve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b7w3w/my_friends_call_me_a_paedophile_just_because_my/
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It's good to keep an incel around...

They always seem to come in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b7vmt/its_good_to_keep_an_incel_around/
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Wife tells her husband

Wife: "I got a bag full of clothes i don't wear anymore. I want to donate them."
Husband: "Why do you want to donate them? Just throw them away."
Wife: "There are poor starving people, who might need some clothes that weren't worn a lot."
Husband: "Women who fit in your clothes are not starving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b7t5q/wife_tells_her_husband/
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God said to Adam, "I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

First the good news.
I have given you a brain and a p***s.
The bad news… I’ve only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b7p8m/god_said_to_adam_ive_got_some_good_news_and_some/
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I like my girls the way I like my Whiskey.

Eighteen years old, moist and preferably in a basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b7npv/i_like_my_girls_the_way_i_like_my_whiskey/
%
I'll never forget the last thing my Grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket...

he said, "Grandson, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b7mvx/ill_never_forget_the_last_thing_my_grandad_said/
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A man sees an ad in the paper

The ad reads "Guaranteed program to help you get fit!"
The man thinks to himself "you know, I can stand to lose a few pounds" and calls the number. A man answers the phone and says "thank you for contacting us. We offer 3 plans. The first is our lightest plan and the third is our most intensive." The man asks for the first.
The next day he wakes to a knock on his door. Standing outside is a gorgeous girl with a great body wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign hung from her neck that says "If you can catch me, you can have me." So he immediately starts chasing her and after a few weeks he catches her.
He calls the company again and tells the man "I've never felt better in my life. I'd like to upgrade to the next plan please" and sure enough the next day there is a knock on his door. This time there are 2 even hotter girls wearing only running shoes and signs that say "if you can catch us, you can have us." He immediately begins chasing them and after a few weeks manages to catch both of them.
Thrilled by the last few weeks has has had, he calls the man again and says "I've never felt better in my life. I'd like to start the next plan as soon as possible!"
The next day there is a knock on his door. There stands Kevin Spacey wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign that says "If I can catch you, I can have you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b7mr7/a_man_sees_an_ad_in_the_paper/
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What do you call a cow that's converted to Islam?

A Mooslim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b7ld9/what_do_you_call_a_cow_thats_converted_to_islam/
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A guy is sitting next to a beautiful girl on a train

. During the journey the train goes through a tunnel so the whole train car turns dark. At the end of the tunnel, the girl stands up and starts screaming at the guy: "Get away from me, you pig! I wonder what your mom or your sister would think if they heard you say such filthy things to a woman! You're disgusting!".
The guy is completely confused and embarassed, as all the other passengers are now giving him weird looks. The train goes through another tunnel. The girl gets close to the guy's ear and whispers: "Sir, I'm so sorry about what just happened. I'm part of a team of psychologists, we're running an experiment about how men react when they're under pressure in public. It was all just a test". As soon as the train is out of the tunnel the guy yells: "What? 100 bucks for a handjob? You gotta be kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b7eco/a_guy_is_sitting_next_to_a_beautiful_girl_on_a/
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What’s a koalas favorite end of the world food?

Apocalyptus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b79ca/whats_a_koalas_favorite_end_of_the_world_food/
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Son: "Dad why was my sister named Madonna?"

Father: "Because your mother always thought the world needed another Madonna"
Son: "Thanks, dad."
Father:  "No problem, Holocaust."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b73a6/son_dad_why_was_my_sister_named_madonna/
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I like my women like my file systems.

FAT and 32

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6vnb/i_like_my_women_like_my_file_systems/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Reddit mod?

[reomved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6sx1/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_reddit_mod/
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Cleopatra had it all: perfect tits, a tight little waist, legs that didn't quit...

...and an absolutely killer asp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6sje/cleopatra_had_it_all_perfect_tits_a_tight_little/
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I recently bought a second hand car.

It only had one previous owner, a little old lady, who only used it once a week, on a Sunday - when she took it drag racing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6rnt/i_recently_bought_a_second_hand_car/
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I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6rhk/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_computer/
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Kim Jong Un claims to have golfed 38 under par...

...But his story is full of holes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6pdr/kim_jong_un_claims_to_have_golfed_38_under_par/
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An old man saw little Jonny walking down the street.

An old man saw little Johnny walking down the street with some chicken wire. The old man said "Jonny what are you doing with that chicken wire." Johnny replied "I'm going to catch some chickens.” ”You can't catch chicken with chicken wire” replied the old man. Later that afternoon Johnny came by with all the chickens that he could carry.
The next day The Old Man song Johnny walking down the street with some duct tape. The old man asks Jonny "what are you doing with that duct tape". Jonny replies, ”I'm going to go catch me some ducks" Johnny replied. The old man laughed and told him, ”you can't catch no ducks with duct tape." Later that afternoon Johnny came back with even more ducks then he had chickens.
The next day the old man sees Jonny walking by with some pussy willows. The old man shouts to Jonny "hold on just a minute wait for me while I go grab my hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6nok/an_old_man_saw_little_jonny_walking_down_the/
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What does gay mean?

asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.
"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6ne1/what_does_gay_mean/
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Cannibals capture three men.

The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.
Then they are each given a final request.
The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.
His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.
This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.
Now it is the third man's turn.
He asks for a fork.
The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.
As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6n6f/cannibals_capture_three_men/
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The car of a woman stops at midnight

A man come to help her. He start fixing the car.
After he finished, he tells the woman to try and start the car.
"Jesus, make this car start."
"Saint Mary, make this car start."
" St. Peter, make this car start." said the man.
"You must be a very religious Christian man." said the lady.
"No, I am a Muslim " said the man, " I can't wake up our prophet in the middle of the night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6muj/the_car_of_a_woman_stops_at_midnight/
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I feel sorry for homeless gays

They haven't got a closet to come out of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6k42/i_feel_sorry_for_homeless_gays/
%
What are battles between birds called?

Poultry Slam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6fij/what_are_battles_between_birds_called/
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How do you kill a cat with 16 lives?

You run it over with a 4x4.
Bonus joke.
How do you kill a cat with 8 lives at home depot?
You hit it with a 2x4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6bks/how_do_you_kill_a_cat_with_16_lives/
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A woman is taking a bath with her daughter

The daughter looks down and asks her mom, “what’s that?”
The mother replies, “oh that’s just my sponge”
And the daughter says, “ oh! The baby sitter has one too and daddy’s always washing his face with it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6agz/a_woman_is_taking_a_bath_with_her_daughter/
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A man and a woman meet in an elevator.

After making small talk the man asks the lady where she's headed.
" I'm going to the blood bank. They're paying 10 dollars to everyone who donates blood this week. " she responded.
The man responded back,  " Oh, what a coincidence. I'm headed to the sperm bank. They are paying 100 dollars to everyone who donates sperm this week. "
Without saying another word the woman stormed off the elevator angrily.
The next day they both happen to be on the elevator again together. The man asks her " So, where are you headed today? "
The woman responds with her mouth full " The sperm bank. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b68yi/a_man_and_a_woman_meet_in_an_elevator/
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Taking the Good with the Bad!!!

This old man has his son put him in a retirement home. On his first day there he wakes up with a hardon and a nurse comes in and gives him head. He calls his son and says, "Son, thank you so much for sending me here. I woke up with a woody and the nurse gave me a blowjob! This is fantastic. I love this place"
Then the next day the old man was walking down the hallway and fell down to his knees. An elderly man walked up behind him, pulled his pants down and screwed him.
The old man calls his son and says, "Son, you've got to get me out of here. This place is terrible. I fell down today and got screwed by some man!"
The son tells his father, "Well dad, yesterday you got a blowjob from a hot nurse. You've got to take the good with the bad."
The dad replies, "But son, you don't understand. I only get a hardon a couple of times a month but I fall down everyday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b68x2/taking_the_good_with_the_bad/
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What can BROWN do for you!!!

One Monday morning a UPS man is driving thru the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The UPS man comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The UPS man laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "your name was guessed four or five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b6471/what_can_brown_do_for_you/
%
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."
He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."
The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b62av/a_man_is_sitting_at_home_and_a_police_officer/
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Why were Gandhi's remains compressed to make piles of 50 rupee coins?

he said "be the change you wish to see in the world".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b61fh/why_were_gandhis_remains_compressed_to_make_piles/
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St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates when three men in quick succession approached looking to be admitted.

St. Peter, as was his custom, asked the first man how he had died. "Well, the man replied, I came home unexpectedly this afternoon to find a cigar burning in the ashtray and my wife naked and alone in the bed. I suspected she was entertaining a lover and demanded she tell me where he was hiding. She refused to answer so I began to search the apartment and eventually found a man hanging off of the balcony railing. Knowing this must be the man I was looking for I took off my shoe and began to beat on his fingers until he lost his grip and fell. Unfortunately his fall was broken by some bushes, so I went to the kitchen, grabbed the refrigerator and dropped it on his head. All this exertion was too much for me and I dropped dead of a heart attack."
St.Peter then asked the second man how he passed away. He said," I was minding my own business painting the railing of my balcony when I tripped and fell over the side. Luckily I was able to grab a hold of the balcony railing of the apartment on the next floor down. Unluckily a man came out and began beating on my fingers with his shoe until I lost my grip. Luckily I landed in some bushes and survived. Unluckily before I could move this same guy dropped a fucking refrigerator on my head and did me in.
Now St.Peter asked the third man how he came to be there. " Damned if I know, he said, one minuted I'm naked hiding from my girlfriends husband in her refrigerator, and the next minute here I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b5zpj/st_peter_was_guarding_the_pearly_gates_when_three/
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A wealthy man was on his death bed

He called in his doctor, his pastor, and his lawyer. He told them, "Look, I know everyone says that you can't take it with you, but I'll be damned if I'm not going to try. So I've got a $500,000 bag of money for each of you, and you must throw it into my coffin at my funeral. I trust all of you to hold up your end".
The man dies shortly after, and the doctor, the pastor, and the lawyer all attended the funeral. After the funeral, the three went to a bar together. After several drinks, the doctor said, "I must confess, I took $100,000 of the money for some new equipment. I feel awful about it, but he can't actually take the money with him can he?"
The pastor then said, "I'm an authority on this matter, I know he can't take it with him. But I still felt guilty taking $250,000 for church renovation".
The lawyer, after listening to their stories exclaimed, "Why, I'm ashamed of the both of you, stealing from a man who put his trust in you. I threw in a check for the entire $500,000".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b5zg8/a_wealthy_man_was_on_his_death_bed/
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What's the difference between your girlfriend and your dog?

You don't need to choke your dog to make it come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b5syc/whats_the_difference_between_your_girlfriend_and/
%
What time do ducks wake up

At the quack of dawn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b5rua/what_time_do_ducks_wake_up/
%
A CEO gathers his staff..

10 Male employees are present in the convention room. The CEO clears his throat and starts the meeting: *"Good afternoon gentlemen. As you know, I am leaving for my business meeting tomorrow and will be absent for 10 days."*
The employees are all nodding in agreement.
The CEO pauses for a brief moment and continues with a very strict tone: *"My daughter just turned 18 and is the only female co-worker here. Also, all of you probably are aware of the fact that my daughter is one of the most beautiful women in the country. I hope I can trust you all not to sneak around with Nadia when I am gone."*
The employees all nod their heads again and the meeting is over.
The CEO is still not happy with the fact that he will be away for so long while his staff is around his daughter for 10 days straight. He goes to a local antique shop, in search of anything that could settle his worries.
The shopkeeper tells him about the variety of his items and also tells the CEO that he has a *"special"* chastity belt that will cost him a significant amount of money. The CEO is extremely curious and says that he does not care about the price of the item. He is also wondering why it is special.
The shopkeeper says: *"I'll show you.* He picks up a pencil and sticks it through the hole of the chastity belt: **SNAP!** the pencil is immediately cut off, without a warning.
The CEO is happy to make the purchase and goes straight back to his home and daughter, without any delay! He puts the chastity belt around her genitalia and takes the key, so he can leave for his trip without having to worry about his daughter one bit.
When he returns, he immediately calls for another meeting with his male personnel. He says: *"Would you please all stand and form a line for me?"*
The men are all hesitating, as if they all would like to object. But in the end they all follow through and stand in a line in front of him. The CEO walks to the first one.
*"Johnson, would you take off your pants for me?"*
Johnson takes his pants off and the CEO sees that his penis is completely torn off.
*You are fired Johnson!* says the CEO, and he proceeds to command his next employee.
"Well Dick? What about you?" he sees another misshapen penis.
*You are fired Dick!* says the CEO. He proceeds and lets his whole staff reveal their toy soldiers and sees 7 more remainings of what used to be penises. He fires all 9 of them.
He walks up to his youngest, male worker and tells him to pull down his pants. The CEO sees a completely intact, big, strong and veiny penis. the CEO is really excited about his loyalty. He says: *"Willie I knew I could trust you! you will get a raise, a new car and you get a bonus right away! What will you say?*
"I'm not thure if I detherve that Bothth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b5pwd/a_ceo_gathers_his_staff/
%
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar

The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations.  They die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b5pfh/ayn_rand_rand_paul_and_paul_ryan_walk_into_a_bar/
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TIL: Hitler never had a driving license

No wonder he couldn't end a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b5on3/til_hitler_never_had_a_driving_license/
%
Why did the masseuse get fired?

The rubbed people up the wrong way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b5omb/why_did_the_masseuse_get_fired/
%
What is sperm made of?

MBBS Professor:
The Sperm is made up of Fructose , the same material Sugar is made of.
A Girl raised her hand:
"Then why doesn't it
taste like Sugar?"
Suddenly silence in hall.
Girl:Oops!
Then Professor's reply was also a Medical master piece:
My dear, Thats because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your Throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b5ksj/what_is_sperm_made_of/
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There is one good thing to come out to Trump's visit to China

He won't be able to access Twitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b5epu/there_is_one_good_thing_to_come_out_to_trumps/
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What did the woman say to Kevin Spacey on the beach?

Could you please move, you're in my son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b5cug/what_did_the_woman_say_to_kevin_spacey_on_the/
%
What body part starts with p, is 5 letters long and gets bigger when you see something you like?

A pupil.
Why, what did you think it was?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b5b8z/what_body_part_starts_with_p_is_5_letters_long/
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Jack woke up at home with a terrible hangover and black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”
“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b5b01/jack_woke_up_at_home_with_a_terrible_hangover_and/
%
A guy stands up at a work meeting and says...

A guy stands up at a work meeting and says "I strongly believe we should stop testing our products on animals!" The boss says "What for? Plenty of other companies do it" The employee says "Maybe so, BUT WE MAKE DILDOS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b53rh/a_guy_stands_up_at_a_work_meeting_and_says/
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A child with an imaginary friend is normal

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,
And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b518h/a_child_with_an_imaginary_friend_is_normal/
%
What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?

Oh sheet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b4y3c/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_of_the_bed/
%
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b4wfn/when_my_boss_asked_me_who_is_the_stupid_one_me_or/
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The pessimist sees the dark tunnel.

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel.
And the engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b4s4d/the_pessimist_sees_the_dark_tunnel/
%
Two old men, close to their last days, decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel...

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home, the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead!”
“Dead?” says his friend, “Why do you say that?”
“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”
His friend says, “Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.”
“A witch? Why the hell would you say that?”
“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window...took my teeth with her!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b4pwj/two_old_men_close_to_their_last_days_decide_to/
%
Heard this on a podcast this morning.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.
The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window.
Their sign read: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at her map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, like their technical support, online help and product documentation, the response they gave me was technically correct, but completely useless."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b4p50/heard_this_on_a_podcast_this_morning/
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I whispered to my kids, "Have you all heard about the top secret bakery?"

They all looked at me blankly, so I replied, "I didn’t think so, it’s on a knead to dough basis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b4o2q/i_whispered_to_my_kids_have_you_all_heard_about/
%
A man walks into a bar with a white horse...

The barman says to the horse "there's a pub down the road named after you".
The horse replies "what, Henry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b4m9s/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_white_horse/
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Why is Trump so fond of his internet followers when he's having a bad week?

They're always russian to help help him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b4l51/why_is_trump_so_fond_of_his_internet_followers/
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Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them...

He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was.
Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand.
He asked again, in German.
Again, the two workers did not understand him.
He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.
He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.
One guy turned to the other guy and said, "You know, maybe we should learn a second language."
"Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy.
"It would help out in situations like the one we just had."
"What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b4irm/two_guys_were_working_at_the_airport_when_a/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b4g1f/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b4d2i/a_teenage_boy_was_delivering_papers_to_an/
%
Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage virgin

But today I turned 20

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b4cyt/yesterday_i_was_nothing_more_than_a_sad_teenage/
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Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah”, reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b4cg4/eight_bytes_walk_into_a_bar_the_bartender_asks/
%
Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland?

Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b4b7f/son_dad_why_is_our_food_so_cold_and_bland/
%
Why did the zoophiliac cross the road?

His dick was still in the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b49b5/why_did_the_zoophiliac_cross_the_road/
%
10 ants were applying for a joint rental application...

...They meet with the rental agent and are discussing details of the property. One of the ants says "so this ant next to me is Dave, we met in university - great guy. Sarah, Jack and Bobby over there I met through work at the ant hill two trees over, we used to go out leaf hunting together - so much fun. Jackson over here I met at my Cousin's birthday where he got up on a table and started dancing. Amanda here came from interstate to stay wi...."
"ENOUGH!" shouts the rental agent. "What has any of this got to do with your rental application??"
"Oh" the ant replied "I was just giving you our ten ant history"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b489t/10_ants_were_applying_for_a_joint_rental/
%
What does one tat say to the other tat?

I am a tattoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b46sl/what_does_one_tat_say_to_the_other_tat/
%
Obama care is religious discrimination

We shouldn’t try to prevent Americans from being Sikh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b449m/obama_care_is_religious_discrimination/
%
A mathematician and an engineer got a task:

They were given a plank with two nails; one hammered half way and one hammered all the way. There were asked to remove the nails from the plank.
The engineer didn't think much of it, grabbed pliers and quickly took both nails out.
The mathematician after some thought said:
"The case with nail hammered all the way in is more interesting, so I'm going to start with it"
After long battle he managed to use a lever and get the nail out.
"Ok, the second case we can easily reduce to already solved one"
...and then he hammered the remaining nail all the way in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b42zd/a_mathematician_and_an_engineer_got_a_task/
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I'd been in a serious accident...

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,
'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'
I managed to mumble in reply,
'Can I feel your tits, then?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3ykz/id_been_in_a_serious_accident/
%
Little Johnny and his dad...

Little Johnny was having a problem with his homework.
"Dad" he asked, "What is the difference between anger and exasperation?"’
"Well, son",’ said his father, ‘"I'll give you a practical demonstration".’
His father picked up the phone and dialled a number on speaker volume.
"Hello",’ said a voice at the other end.
"Hello",’ said Johnny's father. ‘"Is Melvin there?"’
"There is no one called Melvin here!" the voice replied. Why don't you look up numbers before you dial them?"’
"You see?" said Lil johnny's father. "That man was not at all happy with our call."
"But watch this!"’
He then dialled the number again, and says, "Hello, is Melvin there?"’
"Now look here!"’the voice said angrily. "I told you there is no Melvin here! You have got a lot of nerve calling again!"’
"Did you hear that?" Lil johnny's father asked. "That was anger. Now, I will show you what exasperation is!"
He dialled once again. And on hearing the voice at the other end, little johnny's father said: "Hello! This is Melvin. Has there been any calls for me?"’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3yh7/little_johnny_and_his_dad/
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A guy asked me how I lost the finger on my right hand.

I was showing someone how I lost the finger on my left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3yce/a_guy_asked_me_how_i_lost_the_finger_on_my_right/
%
I ate a pill that would made me immortal today

I accidently choked to death while swallowing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3y5p/i_ate_a_pill_that_would_made_me_immortal_today/
%
Saw a homeless man that only took credit.

He didn't make any cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3xvr/saw_a_homeless_man_that_only_took_credit/
%
A wife dies and arrives at the gates of Heaven

There she meets with Saint Peter, and he says "Hello, and welcome to Heaven! In order to pass into the Pearly Gates there is one requirement that you must meet, and it's fairly simple. All you have to do is spell a word, any word will do." The woman then replies, "ok, P-U-R-P-L-E, Purple, it's my favorite color!" St. Peter then responds, "That's great, You're granted access into heaven now, but I heard Jesus calling for me, so could you mind holding the fort down while i'm gone?" "Sure," the woman replied. Some time later, the woman notices her husband has arrived at the Pearly Gates. "Hi honey," she says to him "and welcome to Heaven! It's great to see you! But in order to pass through these Pearly Gates, you'll have to spell a word for me." The husband replied, "Ok, that's fine, then what is the word I must spell?" After pausing for a moment, the wife solemnly responds: "CZECHOSLOVAKIA!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3xp0/a_wife_dies_and_arrives_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
%
I bought an Electrolux vacuum cleaner

It was the only thing Electrolux ever made that didn't suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3sao/i_bought_an_electrolux_vacuum_cleaner/
%
If iPhone user started getting on your nerves

Just ignore them by plugging your earbuds into the 3.5 mm jack of your phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3s26/if_iphone_user_started_getting_on_your_nerves/
%
I was wondering what my parents did for fun before the internet

I had no idea and neither did any of my 27 brothers and sisters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3rbc/i_was_wondering_what_my_parents_did_for_fun/
%
There is a Malaysian '80s cover band called "The Union."

What were they thinking, not going with "Durian Durian"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3pzo/there_is_a_malaysian_80s_cover_band_called_the/
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Everyone brings joy to this house. Some when they enter, and others when they leave.

A sign I saw at my parents friends' place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3p7p/everyone_brings_joy_to_this_house_some_when_they/
%
what's the longest word in the english language

"smiles" because there's a mile between the 2 S's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3nce/whats_the_longest_word_in_the_english_language/
%
A robber walks into a sperm bank wearing a mask and carrying a gun...

... he walks up to the counter and points the gun at the lady and shouts "open up that safe!! Now!!".
The lady says "sir, we're a sperm bank, we don't have any money on the premises".
The robber screams at her "i don't care! Take everything out of the safe and put it on the counter"
The lady, scared for her life complies and takes out the little containers of sperm. The robber looks at her and says "right, open one of them up, and drink it!"
The lady looks confused and the robber screams at her "drink it now before i blow your head off".
The lady is scared for her life so she opens it up and drinks the entire contents. The robber gestures with the gun "right, open up again and drink it all or i'll kill you". The lady opens it up and drinks that one too. The robber repeats this until she has drunk every little cup of sperm.
The robber looks at her as she puts down the final cup... takes off his mask and says "see honey, i told you swallowing wasn't that hard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3l00/a_robber_walks_into_a_sperm_bank_wearing_a_mask/
%
My ex used to have two cheat days during a week

One where she went out for burgers and cheesecake with her friends, and one where she had sex with Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3i9m/my_ex_used_to_have_two_cheat_days_during_a_week/
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The doctor joke (Long)

Two doctors are eating lunch in the cafeteria of the hospital they work at and one turns to the other and says “ my elbow hurts”.
The other doctor says “you should go to Wal-Mart”.
The first doctors says “...what!?”.
The second says “they have this new machine in the pharmacy, give $10 and a urine sample and it tells you everything that’s wrong with you and how to fix it”.
The other is stunned.
He continues and says “you gotta check it out”.
So after his shift, the doc goes to Wal-Mart and sure enough finds this machine, gives it what it wants, the printout comes out and says:
“YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW; ICE NIGHTLY FOR 2 WEEKS AND KEEP FROM STRENUOUS ACTIVITY”.
So the doc is driving home and thinking my god, soon machines will be doing MY job! ...hmm, I wonder how accurate it is?
So he goes home, grabs a large jar and fills it half full of water from his tap. Then, he gets his wife and he daughter to pee in it, throws a piece of his dog’s crap in there and then, jerks off a big load into it.
The next day after his shift at the hospital, he drives back to Wal-Mart, pours this concoction into the machine, gives it $10 and this is what it said:
“YOUR WATER IS HARD, GET WATER SOFTENER; YOUR DOG HAS WORMS, GET IT ANTI-FUNGAL SHAMPOO; YOUR DAUGHTER HAS A COKE HABIT, GET HER TO REHAB; YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT, IT’S NOT YOURS SO GET A LAWYER AND IF YOUR DON’T STOP MASTURBATING, THAT ELBOW IS NEVER GOING TO HEAL”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3cb7/the_doctor_joke_long/
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Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b3bud/why_do_elephants_paint_their_balls_red/
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When you die, you don’t know you’re dead. It’s just painful for everyone around you.

It’s the same when you act like a dumbass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b38ej/when_you_die_you_dont_know_youre_dead_its_just/
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Dr Bob

Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.  No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.  The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.  But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:  "Bob, don't worry about it.  You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.  And you're single, Just let it go.....".   But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering........"but Bob, you're a vet....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b377k/dr_bob/
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What do you call a cow that accidentally wanders into a slaughterhouse?

A mis-steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b33ck/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_accidentally_wanders/
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The good doctor

A doctor is driving home along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car.  The doctor tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible.
He immediately pulled the car to the side and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny.  It didn't look good.  He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag would not be there.
He rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful.  He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying.  With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.
To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hinds and wiggling his tail.  He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods.  He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again.  Another few feet and he turned and waved again.  He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.
Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered.  Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b30h3/the_good_doctor/
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At any given time, the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away

a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b2zug/at_any_given_time_the_urge_to_sing_the_lion/
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[Long] A US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. “What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b2yvr/long_a_us_senator_is_tragically_hit_by_a_truck/
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Hitler goes to France

As he reaches the immigration desk, the clerk reviews his passport and asks, "Name?"
The fuhrer whispers, "Adolf Hitler"
"Occupation?"
Hitler shakes his head... "No, just visiting".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b2yrx/hitler_goes_to_france/
%
I like my men like I like my thongs

black and up my ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b2xj3/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_thongs/
%
There was a major research project to find out how men became gay

They found that 17 percent of them felt they were born gay, the other 83 percent were sucked into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b2u8g/there_was_a_major_research_project_to_find_out/
%
I turned myself into the police.

The Crime? Money Laundering. I just couldn't take it anymore, the guilt was eating at me and I needed to finally face my crimes.
I went into the station and explained that I had been money laundering for decades. They said they wanted an official statement and sat me down in a room with a table. I sat there for what felt like hours with my head on my folded arms.
Finally an officer came in to ask me some questions, and I couldn't help myself. I burst into tears as soon as he sat down.
"So, the boys up front told me you've been laundering money."
"Yes sir. I've been doing it for 20 years now."
"Alright, I got ten of the finest officers at your house right now. Tell me where the money is and I'll see if I can't cut you a deal with the DA."
"It's in a pair of jeans in the washing machine."
The officer looked astounded.
"How much is in there?"
"About $23."
The officer cocked his head as confusion spread over his face.
"And what are you in here for."
"Money laundering. Been leaving money in my laundry for years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b2tem/i_turned_myself_into_the_police/
%
What did the composer say about the music at the Super Bowl?

It's in half time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b2sch/what_did_the_composer_say_about_the_music_at_the/
%
I bought the new Call of Duty WWII in France.

But for some reason, I can only be a spectator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b2rys/i_bought_the_new_call_of_duty_wwii_in_france/
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What do you call a Jewish alchemist?

A Hebrew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b2mfz/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_alchemist/
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What is both heavier and lighter than a plank?

...a plank-ton!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b2i0w/what_is_both_heavier_and_lighter_than_a_plank/
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A nun goes down to the market...

A nun goes down to the market to buy a fish to prepare for dinner back at the convent. As she approaches the local fisherman's stand, she sees him holding up a massive fish, saying, "I'm selling this big Sunnuvabitch!". The nun, repulsed by such language, chastises the fisherman for saying this. He clarifies, "no, no, that's just the name of this fish, you see: There are salmons, tunas, halibuts, and this one is called a Sunnuvabitch." The nun, now understanding this, buys the fish, brings it back to her convent, and gives it to another nun, saying "Look at this Sunnuvabitch I bought at the market!". Of course, the second nun has the same reaction the first did, but she clears things up, and the second nun goes to clean the fish. She then brings it to the mother superior. The same exchange occurs between the two of them, and the mother superior goes to cook the fish.
Later, during the evening, the Pope stops by to enjoy dinner with the convent. While they are eating, he comments: "This fish is delicious! Who prepared it?". The first nun says, "I bought this Sunnuvabitch," the second nun says, "I cleaned this Sunnuvabitch," and the mother superior says, "I cooked this Sunnuvabitch!". Upon hearing this, the Pope reclines in his chair, props his feet up on the table, and says, "Ah, looks like you fuckers are alright after all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b29vg/a_nun_goes_down_to_the_market/
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Two blind pilots are on a plane

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b289w/two_blind_pilots_are_on_a_plane/
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what gets bigger the more you take away from it

Poverty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b258k/what_gets_bigger_the_more_you_take_away_from_it/
%
My friend asked me why I make so many sperm jokes.

I said, "I don't know I guess they just come naturally to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b21fb/my_friend_asked_me_why_i_make_so_many_sperm_jokes/
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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off , but sometimes more work to do in weekend .
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
*P. Enis*
The Response:
Dear Mr.P.Enis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
*V.  A. Gina*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b1zew/the_day_the_penis_asked_for_a_raise/
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What's my dog's favourite part of the tree?

The bark.
What's my bank's favourite part of the tree?
The branches.
What's my elephant's favourite part of the tree?
The trunk.
What's my father's favourite part of the tree?
The leaves :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b1z9f/whats_my_dogs_favourite_part_of_the_tree/
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Talk Like A Pirate Day

How the fuck am I supposed to learn Somali?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b1tfk/talk_like_a_pirate_day/
%
I always listen to music when I fish...

usually to something catchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b1t78/i_always_listen_to_music_when_i_fish/
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What's the difference between gifted children and politicians?

One's a group of cunning runts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b1r20/whats_the_difference_between_gifted_children_and/
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Dogs

Lady with three dogs opens door to salesman. Salesman trying to be friendly asks "What are the names of your dogs?"
Lady says "This is Timex, he's Boliva, and there is Rolex." Salesman says with surprise.  "There all named after watches!" Lady says "Of course! Their all watch dogs! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b1qcq/dogs/
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What do you call a fish that is blind?

A fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b1ptp/what_do_you_call_a_fish_that_is_blind/
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Every time someone tells me they've been constipated for a while...

I assume they're full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b1os4/every_time_someone_tells_me_theyve_been/
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I bet jellyfish are sad...

that there are no peanut butter fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b1orp/i_bet_jellyfish_are_sad/
%
How long does sex last roughly?

Less time than if you were gentle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b1gnr/how_long_does_sex_last_roughly/
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I told a girl, "you look great without glasses"

She said, "but I don't wear glasses."
I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b1fe6/i_told_a_girl_you_look_great_without_glasses/
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Dentist: How did you lose your three teeth?

Patient: "My wife prepared the pancakes and they were very hard to eat."
Dentist: "Then you could have refused to eat them."
Patient: "I did refused to eat them. Hence, I lost my three teeth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b1ece/dentist_how_did_you_lose_your_three_teeth/
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Time change

I was sitting on the edge of my chair last night with a can of black paint and my pants and undies around my ankles. My wife walked into the room and screamed, "NO! You fool, I said to be sure you turn your clock back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b18n7/time_change/
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What do you call an emo capella group?

Self Harmony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b1105/what_do_you_call_an_emo_capella_group/
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What do you call a mad German?

A sour kraut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b10rg/what_do_you_call_a_mad_german/
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What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b0w1c/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
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A woman who drank 10 litres of Coca Cola every day has died.

She ate a Mentos and they found her head 3 blocks away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b0ulj/a_woman_who_drank_10_litres_of_coca_cola_every/
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How big of a difference is there between the male and female reproductive system?

There's a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b0tdt/how_big_of_a_difference_is_there_between_the_male/
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Someone asked me today where I see myself in 3 years

I removed my glasses and said i don't know, unfortunately I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b0oxb/someone_asked_me_today_where_i_see_myself_in_3/
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I’ve been a PC gamer for over 20 years. Yesterday I bought a PS4, best decision ever!

Now my 8 year old son doesn’t have to touch my beloved PC!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b0ovf/ive_been_a_pc_gamer_for_over_20_years_yesterday_i/
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My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats...

But it's 2017 and I'll date who I want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b0nka/my_doctor_told_me_to_stay_away_from_trans_fats/
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I couldn't afford to pay my exorcist

Now I'm worried that I'm going to get repossessed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b0msu/i_couldnt_afford_to_pay_my_exorcist/
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I used to steal famous comedians jokes.

I still do, but I used to, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b0h5j/i_used_to_steal_famous_comedians_jokes/
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My doctor asked me what I am using for birth control.

I told him my personality. It's 100% effective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b0eco/my_doctor_asked_me_what_i_am_using_for_birth/
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"I HATE JUICE" -

Said 4 year old Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b090q/i_hate_juice/
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I told myself I needed to cut down on drinking...

..but then who would take advice from an alchoholic who talks to himself??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b04ci/i_told_myself_i_needed_to_cut_down_on_drinking/
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My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b049v/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
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I ran over ny neighbors foot with a lawn mower today...

Guess I need to bury him deeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7b032i/i_ran_over_ny_neighbors_foot_with_a_lawn_mower/
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What do call a gay proramming community?

LGBTQC++

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7azy10/what_do_call_a_gay_proramming_community/
%
"Right, I've been thinking." I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."

My wife's eyes filled with tears, "We should've  discussed this together."
"My minds made up." I insisted.
"I think your wife is right." Said the consultant. "After all, she is the one with cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7azwtp/right_ive_been_thinking_i_said_to_the_oncologist/
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Peter loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this.

One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk.
He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor.
He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor.
People offered to help him, but he said no each time.
He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.
The next morning, Peter's wife says, "Pete, you bloody worthless idiot, no good drunkard!
You were at the bar last night drinking again!"
Peter was confused. "How did you find out?"
"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7azwna/peter_loves_to_drink_at_the_local_bar_but_his/
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My wife accused me of being immature...

I told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7azsk8/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
%
My love for you is like diarrhea

I can't hold it in and to let go hurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7azsbq/my_love_for_you_is_like_diarrhea/
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What do you call a gold digger who loves to have sex?

A penis fly trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7azo8q/what_do_you_call_a_gold_digger_who_loves_to_have/
%
Wanna hear a joke about cutting onions?

It'll have you in tears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7azmoc/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_cutting_onions/
%
I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine,

when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said, "It's me talking to the wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7azj82/i_was_sat_with_my_wife_while_she_sipped_on_her/
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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday, she said "get something that makes me look pretty"

So I went out and got drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aziko/i_asked_my_wife_what_she_wanted_for_her_birthday/
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Kevin Spacey is trying to get a new position in Vegas,...

Blackjack Dealer
Because they hit on anything under 17.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aziju/kevin_spacey_is_trying_to_get_a_new_position_in/
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What does American beer and sex in a canoe have in common?

It's both fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7azfud/what_does_american_beer_and_sex_in_a_canoe_have/
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Why does France have so many rivers?

Because water follows the path of least resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7azdtc/why_does_france_have_so_many_rivers/
%
A Preacher and His Dentures

A preacher went to get his teeth pulled. As a result he would need dentures. The first Sunday after, he preached 10 minutes. The second he preached 20 minutes and the third he preached an hour and a half.
Some members of the congregation asked about the different amounts of time. The preacher says, "The first Sunday my gums were so sore I could barely talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were causing the pain. The third Sunday, I grabbed my wife's dentures and could not stop talking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7azdoe/a_preacher_and_his_dentures/
%
I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms..

I was about to pay for it when I heard 2 girls laughing at me.
I looked at them straight in the eye and said, "Make that 52."
Now both of them have condom balloons :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7azc7b/i_went_to_a_pharmacy_and_asked_for_50_condoms/
%
Why do no churches have wifi?

Because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7azaki/why_do_no_churches_have_wifi/
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Know It? I Wrote It.

Here's a joke I stole from an /r/AskReddit thread
--------------
There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner, who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."
The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my way to find a job."
The owner asks, "What do you do?"
The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."
The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me if you're interested."
The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"
The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their Brains Out."
The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"
The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does ask what the name of the song he just played.
The guy answers, "I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."
The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "OK, you play beautifully and the songs you have written are incredible. I will hire you, but you have to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy agrees.
That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.
One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and balls are hanging out?"
The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7azagh/know_it_i_wrote_it/
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Three statisticians go out hunting...

and come across a large deer.
The first statistician fires, but misses by a meter to the left.
The second statistician fires, but also misses, this time by a meter to the right.
The third statistician doesn't fire, but starts shouting in triumph "We got it! We got it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7az969/three_statisticians_go_out_hunting/
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Three Statisticians Walk Into A Bar...

The bartender asks them "Would you all like a drink?"
The first statistician says "Maybe".
The second statistician also says "Maybe".
The third statistician then smiles, and says "Yes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7az813/three_statisticians_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why is sex limited to 68mph?

At 69 you flip over and blow a rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7az7oi/why_is_sex_limited_to_68mph/
%
Whats the hardest part of making vegetable oil?

Removing the wheelchairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7az50q/whats_the_hardest_part_of_making_vegetable_oil/
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It's appropriate that Cyborg from the Justice League is black,

Considering that he's only 3/5 of a person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7az3l3/its_appropriate_that_cyborg_from_the_justice/
%
I got caught peeing in a pool once

The Lifeguard yelled so hard I almost fell in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7az3cu/i_got_caught_peeing_in_a_pool_once/
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Instead of "guys", use "comrades" in your talks at conferences.

It's a good way to get the audience. And maybe automatic recording.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7az0wl/instead_of_guys_use_comrades_in_your_talks_at/
%
I tried living in the future

But I kept getting ahead of myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ayshs/i_tried_living_in_the_future/
%
How many Gentlesirs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"Screw is such a harsh word, M'Lightbulb. I have too much respect for lamps to use it." <Tips fedora>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aynmw/how_many_gentlesirs_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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In one Intensive care unit

people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ayj1o/in_one_intensive_care_unit/
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I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ayfvi/i_was_rated_number_1_most_likely_to_not_murder/
%
Why are the bag-pipers always marching?

They're trying to get away from the noise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ayfuo/why_are_the_bagpipers_always_marching/
%
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ayfsx/whats_the_difference_between_a_dead_dog_in_the/
%
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take."
A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y.
The boots are sucked right in.
He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in.
He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in.
Inside he hears noises.
"Is someone else in here?" he asks.
"Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says.
"Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says.
"Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aydhp/a_woman_walks_into_a_saloon_and_stands_on_a_chair/
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I disabled my popup blocker earlier today...

...or as some people call it, got a divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ay8ln/i_disabled_my_popup_blocker_earlier_today/
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Why are crocodiles long and green?

Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ay8jt/why_are_crocodiles_long_and_green/
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I love cooking with wine

Sometimes I add it to the food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ay7fx/i_love_cooking_with_wine/
%
My girlfriend bet me I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ay72i/my_girlfriend_bet_me_i_couldnt_build_a_car_out_of/
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If I had 50¢ for every Math test I failed....

I still wouldn't have enough money to pay off my crippling student debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ay71l/if_i_had_50_for_every_math_test_i_failed/
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Apparently heroin addicts spend upwards of $500 on heroin a day

On an unrelated note, anyone want to lend me $500

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ay5ds/apparently_heroin_addicts_spend_upwards_of_500_on/
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What do you call a sexy soup kitchen?

A brothel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ay454/what_do_you_call_a_sexy_soup_kitchen/
%
How do you induce a current in a wire by counting to 10?

By mathematical induction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ay18p/how_do_you_induce_a_current_in_a_wire_by_counting/
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My local sperm bank now has a guestbook..

To see who came before you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7axxf3/my_local_sperm_bank_now_has_a_guestbook/
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How did the rabbit know his wife was having an affair?

He found a hare in his bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7axxdr/how_did_the_rabbit_know_his_wife_was_having_an/
%
Two guys were at a party at a penthouse suite, enjoying the drinks.

One looks to the other and says "You know what? From way up here, the winds are so strong that if you jump off the building you'll just be blown back!"
The other guy considers that, but after another drink he says "Bullshit!"
"No, no! I'll prove it!" So with everyone watching, he jumps off the building and seems to float there for a second before being blown back in.
The partiers cheer, and the other guy says 'Well, fuck me! Do it again!"
So he does it again. Jumps, floats, gets blown back in. "See? It's fun!"
So the other guy shrugs, "Why not?" And with the crowd chanting "Jump! Jump! Jump," he takes a running leap and jumps off the building.
He falls to the ground and dies instantly.
Another party guest walks up to the first guy and shakes his head. "Geez, Superman. You're a real asshole when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7axw28/two_guys_were_at_a_party_at_a_penthouse_suite/
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Communism sounds good on paper...

...unless you’re reading a history book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7axvlz/communism_sounds_good_on_paper/
%
My dentist said that my gag reflex was much more sensitive than my wife's.

I didn't think anything of it at the time. Later, I realized it was super weird, because we go to different dentists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7axu1u/my_dentist_said_that_my_gag_reflex_was_much_more/
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A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... Two days... And then three days.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7axpm5/a_magician_worked_on_a_cruise_ship/
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WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW HAVING A SEIZURE?

beef jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7axnqk/what_do_you_call_a_cow_having_a_seizure/
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Pi said to i, "Get real!"

"Be rational!" responds i.
Finally, e breaks them up as it said "Join me, and we'll become one."
>e^pi ^i + 1 = 0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7axm4y/pi_said_to_i_get_real/
%
Why did the army sergeant only accept fat recruits into his squad?

He wanted to say he had large privates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7axlcy/why_did_the_army_sergeant_only_accept_fat/
%
Today i was in the bank

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7axky5/today_i_was_in_the_bank/
%
A stomach was sad...

... because everything it tried to make turned out to be *shit*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7axgi2/a_stomach_was_sad/
%
Two English men and an Irish man are in a bar.

The first English man says "I think my wife is cheating on me with an electrician, I found a pair of pliers under our bed."
The second English man says "My wife is cheating on me with a plumber, I found a pipe under our bed."
The Irish man looks at both English men and says "Well my wife is cheating on me with a horse. Last night I found a jokey under our bed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7axdk4/two_english_men_and_an_irish_man_are_in_a_bar/
%
How do you reveal Supermans identity?

You Kent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7axca6/how_do_you_reveal_supermans_identity/
%
I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan...

...someone is going to be wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ax9ez/i_just_poured_superglue_into_a_nonstick_pan/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One of them turns to the other and says,"I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ax24p/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
You've wasted your time explaining sex to me

I still don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ax0ax/youve_wasted_your_time_explaining_sex_to_me/
%
So, apparently Rand Paul was sucker punched...

So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was sucker punched, but neither man was badly hurt.
Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7awywt/so_apparently_rand_paul_was_sucker_punched/
%
I really hate jokes that rely on visual imagery...

I've had it right up to here with them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7awwm0/i_really_hate_jokes_that_rely_on_visual_imagery/
%
A man has 6 children and is...

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of four."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7awwa4/a_man_has_6_children_and_is/
%
Why was the feminist picnic cancelled?

because nobody made sandwiches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7awvlf/why_was_the_feminist_picnic_cancelled/
%
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but it didn’t last...

Turns out, she was constantly seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7awvl1/i_used_to_date_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye_but_it/
%
I remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket

He said “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7awv17/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said_to_me/
%
I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it

The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.
"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.
"But not while standing on the diving board!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7awg7v/i_got_kicked_out_of_a_pool_for_peeing_in_it/
%
what do you call an occupied restroom in an airplane?

a hypotenuse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7awg5d/what_do_you_call_an_occupied_restroom_in_an/
%
Why did the cross eyed teacher get fired?

She couldn't control her pupils

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7awewb/why_did_the_cross_eyed_teacher_get_fired/
%
How do you know your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aw9ta/how_do_you_know_your_wife_is_dead/
%
So i had sex with this heavier girl at a party last night...

I kinda feel bad cause she was super waisted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aw8k2/so_i_had_sex_with_this_heavier_girl_at_a_party/
%
I went to the theme park the other day; they were giving out free cocaine!

The lines were ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aw8j7/i_went_to_the_theme_park_the_other_day_they_were/
%
Whats the best part of an ISIS joke?

The execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aw3tp/whats_the_best_part_of_an_isis_joke/
%
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.

people start gathering around him, asking "what happened? what happened?"
Chuck: idk, I just got here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aw1wp/chuck_norris_fell_down_from_a_10_story_building/
%
I just couldn’t work for that company after what they said to me.”

They said "you are fired".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aw0ky/i_just_couldnt_work_for_that_company_after_what/
%
Joining the Congregation

Three married couples, an elderly pair, a middle-aged pair, and two newlyweds, are applying to be a part of the congregation of a church. The pastor tells them that part of the part of the process involves them undergoing a trial of chastity, and as such that they must refrain from sex for two full weeks. The group goes their separate ways, to return two weeks later.
The pastor welcomes them all back, then turns to each couple individually. To the elderly couple he asks, "Were you two able to abstain for two weeks?"
The old man replies with a chuckle, "We certainly were, it wasn't much trouble at all, especially since neither of us can stay awake long after dinner anyway."
"Fantastic," sats the pastor. "You two are now welcome as new members of our congregation." He then turns to the middle-aged couple. "Were you two able to abstain for two weeks as well?"
The husband grins a little sheepishly, though he nods "I'll admit it was hard, and I had to spend the second week sleeping on the couch, but yes, we did manage it."
"Wonderful, I'm proud of you both." Says the pastor,"You are most welcome as members of our congregation." Then he turns finally to the newlyweds, "Well, how bout it, you two? Were you able to abstain for two weeks?"
They look at each other embarrassed, then the young man shakes his head with remorse, "I'm sorry, Pastor, but we just couldn't do it. We made it four days, but on the fifth day I saw my wife reaching up to get a new lightbulb off the shelf. When she dropped it and bent over to pick it up off the ground... Well, the sight was just too much for me, and we had each other right there on the floor."
The pastor lowers his head in disappointment, saying, "Well, I understand, but I am afraid that you are not welcome in our congregation now."
The husband grins and says, "Oh, that's okay. We're not welcome at the hardware store now either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aw03u/joining_the_congregation/
%
I'm opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts...

... calling it Hole Foods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7avzbc/im_opening_a_grocery_store_that_specializes_in/
%
Why was the egg so happy?

Because he just got laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7avz4z/why_was_the_egg_so_happy/
%
I asked my friend if he had any bread left.

But he said he had naan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7avx50/i_asked_my_friend_if_he_had_any_bread_left/
%
What's red, hard, and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7avvx2/whats_red_hard_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
Yoda lady

Knock Knock
Who's there
Yoda lady
Yoda lady who?
*applause* wow nice yodeling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7avswd/yoda_lady/
%
(NSFW) What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?

Your wife is always willing to blow your bonus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7avs2f/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_penis_and_a/
%
I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the Melbourne zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7avpg8/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
A poor guy sitting in a bar

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back,
points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7avlwl/a_poor_guy_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
Bubbles

At a bar 3 men go into the bathroom.
After about 10 minutes one comes out. Just to make sure nothing was wrong the bartender asks, "What were you doing in there?"
The man replies, "Blowing bubbles."
Then, another 10 minutes later another guy comes out. Once again the bartender asks, "What we're you doing in there?"
The man replies, "Blowing bubbles."
Then, the last guy comes out. The bartender asks, "What we're you doing, let me guess, blowing bubbles?"
The man, confused, says, "I am Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7avl75/bubbles/
%
I like my coffee how I like my men...

Strong and inside of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7avl5k/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_men/
%
Four guys bragging about their sons

Four men went golfing one day.  Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "my son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay, and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about this, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and a stock portfolio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7avjnj/four_guys_bragging_about_their_sons/
%
What's the difference between a bluejay and a cardinal?

One's a small, blue bird and the other is fucking your ten year old son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7avhq0/whats_the_difference_between_a_bluejay_and_a/
%
A wife is like a hand grenade

Take off the ring and there goes the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7avd1e/a_wife_is_like_a_hand_grenade/
%
What family member cannot stand 9.8 meters per second?

‘Auntie’ Gravity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7avb9a/what_family_member_cannot_stand_98_meters_per/
%
What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards?

Salamancer.
Ha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7av761/what_do_you_call_a_wizard_that_can_only_control/
%
I dated a dentist a while back,

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7av48e/i_dated_a_dentist_a_while_back/
%
What do you use to measure grass?

A yard stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7av11m/what_do_you_use_to_measure_grass/
%
They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry

but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7auy2v/they_say_to_never_go_shopping_for_food_when_youre/
%
Man: Honey, what's wrong?

Woman: I'm feeling a little depressed...
Man: Why don't you listen to some music? That always cheers you up.
Woman: Okay...will you put on some Sheryl Crow?
Man: If It Makes You Happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aux91/man_honey_whats_wrong/
%
The blue man lives in the blue house, the green man lives in the green house...

Where does the orange man live?
In the White House!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7auulm/the_blue_man_lives_in_the_blue_house_the_green/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickalottapus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7auugs/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
Bad news for dyslexics tonight...

...your cocks go black...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7autr5/bad_news_for_dyslexics_tonight/
%
A uniform company sent President Trump a dressed mannequin with no legs.

They heard Trump had issues with people taking the knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7authj/a_uniform_company_sent_president_trump_a_dressed/
%
If your friend starts smoking..

Make sure you tell them to stop drop and roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aus9o/if_your_friend_starts_smoking/
%
Why do Asian Girls have Small Boobs?

Because only A's are acceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aui3m/why_do_asian_girls_have_small_boobs/
%
A former doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.

Fortunately, he could still make the cast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7augzb/a_former_doctor_broke_his_leg_while_auditioning/
%
You think you've had a bad day?

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers   "God bless Mommy,   Daddy and Grammy.   Goodbye Grampa."
Well,   the father thought it was strange,   but he soon forgot about it.   The next day,   the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again:   "God bless Mommy.   God bless Daddy.   Goodbye Grammy."   The next day the grandmother died.   Well,   the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
One week later,   the father once again overheard his sons prayers.   "God Bless Mommy.   Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack.   He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work,   so that he would miss the traffic.   He stayed all through lunch and dinner.   Finally after midnight he went home.   He was still alive!   When he got home he appologised to his wife.   "I am sorry Honey.   I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you've had a bad day?   YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?"   the wife yelled,   "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7auc1g/you_think_youve_had_a_bad_day/
%
If you have a parrot....

....and you don't teach it to say "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", your just wasting everybody's time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7au8qf/if_you_have_a_parrot/
%
H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7au4dw/h2o_is_water_and_h2o2_is_hydrogen_peroxide_what/
%
Why did Obi-Wan survive the tsunami?

Because he had the high ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7au3md/why_did_obiwan_survive_the_tsunami/
%
I used to date an opera singer, but it didn't work out.

She was all mi, mi, mi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7au379/i_used_to_date_an_opera_singer_but_it_didnt_work/
%
Yo mama so fat...

her talking scale has to stop and catch its breath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7au15j/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
I was admiring my naked body in the mirror today, when I said to my wife, "Look at this! 200 pounds of pure dynamite!"

My wife replied, "Too bad about the two inch fuse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7au122/i_was_admiring_my_naked_body_in_the_mirror_today/
%
STOP MAKING FAT JOKES, FAT JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

they already have enough on their plate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7au0h3/stop_making_fat_jokes_fat_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
I'm getting my Darth Vader shaped mole checked out.

I'm concerned because it's on the dark side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7atny7/im_getting_my_darth_vader_shaped_mole_checked_out/
%
What's the difference between a piano , tuna and sticky glue?

you can tuna piano but you can't piano tuna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7atgk5/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_tuna_and/
%
So a group of Nazis walk into a bar....

They each take a few shots from the bar. After the last round, they stumbled into the ground.
And that’s how I got this medal.
(Heard this from a WWII vet)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7atf4r/so_a_group_of_nazis_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between a sneaky pig and yeast infection?

One's a cunning runt...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7atej0/whats_the_difference_between_a_sneaky_pig_and/
%
How do you make a house of cards collapse?

Just give it time and Spacey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7atamf/how_do_you_make_a_house_of_cards_collapse/
%
Daylight Savings Time

Can't believe they fired me from the clock factory
after all the extra hours I put in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7atamd/daylight_savings_time/
%
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go see a movie or have sex.

But unfortunately the movie was sold out and she was on her period. But then she pulled some strings and got me in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7atad3/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_she_wanted_to_go_see_a/
%
A runner walks into a bar

The bartender says: why the long pace?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7at8xd/a_runner_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Do you know why a chicken coup only has two doors?

If it had four it would be a chicken sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7at78p/do_you_know_why_a_chicken_coup_only_has_two_doors/
%
What’s the difference between Anne Frank and a Boy Scout?

A Boy Scout comes back from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7at77p/whats_the_difference_between_anne_frank_and_a_boy/
%
You know, Dwayne Johnson was always a special kid...

In third grade, all the other kids drew a family tree. Little dwayne made a family quarry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7at768/you_know_dwayne_johnson_was_always_a_special_kid/
%
I went to the doctor today. He told me I was colorblind.

I was devastated. That diagnosis really came out of the orange!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7at72d/i_went_to_the_doctor_today_he_told_me_i_was/
%
I hear the new Predator movie will star..

Kevin Spacey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7at6lb/i_hear_the_new_predator_movie_will_star/
%
I saw the girl i had sex with on Halloween yesterday

I don't know why she was still dressed up as a guy though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7at3oa/i_saw_the_girl_i_had_sex_with_on_halloween/
%
Sell this to me

So I was in a job interview and my manager handed me his laptop.
"I want you to sell this to me." -Manager
So I take the laptop out of the building and I receive a call from him.
"Hey bring my laptop back!"-Manager
"I'll sell it to you for 300."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7at1pe/sell_this_to_me/
%
What do you call a potato with a penis?

A dictator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aszv1/what_do_you_call_a_potato_with_a_penis/
%
2 very spiritual lovers make plans to contact one another through a seance if one of them dies.

they live with this goal in mind, for another happy 20 years of marriage, and then the husband gets crushed by a bus.
the wife arranges a seance exactly 3 months later, as pre-arranged, and contacts the deceased
"oh darling, are you ok? are you in heaven?"
"oh yes. I cannot believe my luck. I wake up at five, and do nothing but fuck till 9. then I have a lunch, a nap, and do nothing butt fuck till 3. after all this fucking, my dick needs some rest so I sleep until sunset, watch the sunset, and then sleep and fuck again!"
the wife says "is that really what heaven is like?"
the husband replies "oh, no. I'm not in heaven. I'm a jackrabbit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7asyoy/2_very_spiritual_lovers_make_plans_to_contact_one/
%
What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant, and a child molester?

Alien vs Predator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aswou/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_an_illegal/
%
An unemployed engineer opens a clinic...

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic:
"A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7asukx/an_unemployed_engineer_opens_a_clinic/
%
You can’t believe anything chickens tell you

Most of em are pre tenders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7asr9v/you_cant_believe_anything_chickens_tell_you/
%
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aspob/little_johnny_attended_a_horse_auction_with_his/
%
Help! I think my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Her kiss tasted like my best friend’s penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aspmg/help_i_think_my_girlfriend_is_cheating_on_me/
%
A father and son..

While on the farm one day, a father and son were near some horses and the male horse mounted the female horse to have sex. The father panics, as he had not had "the birds and the bees talk" to his son yet. The son asks "What are they doing?" The father answers, "Well ya see, the male horse has hurt his front leg, and the female horse is helping him back to the barn so he can rest". The young man replied "Isn't that a lot like life, you try and help someone and just end up getting fucked".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7asbj4/a_father_and_son/
%
What do the KGB and a clitoris have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7asbi2/what_do_the_kgb_and_a_clitoris_have_in_common/
%
My friends said that I need help with my drinking

So I hired a bartender!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7asba8/my_friends_said_that_i_need_help_with_my_drinking/
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A German man visiting France

He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"
"Hans Muller" replies the German.
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7as8vl/a_german_man_visiting_france/
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Why did the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7as8h0/why_did_the_military_use_acid/
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7as7ip/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
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Testing the dog's IQ

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.
Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is definitely smarter than you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7as4mw/testing_the_dogs_iq/
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There was an accordion player

He was going out for a drink after a show with his friend and was nervous about leaving his instrument in the car as he didn't want to get it stolen. His friend told him it was alright and nobody would try to steal an accordion. After a night of drinking they walk back to the car and notice a window is broken. The musician is mad at his friend for letting him leave the instrument until they get to the car and find two accordions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7as1m1/there_was_an_accordion_player/
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They're re-making Gone in 60 Seconds

It's a bio-pic about Kevin Spacey's reputation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aruub/theyre_remaking_gone_in_60_seconds/
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The Cheating Husband

A mother told her son to use her phone and call his dad to tell him that dinner was ready.
Mom: Did you call your father?
Son: Yes mom!
Mom: And what did he say?
Son: Nothing mommy...
Mom: What do you mean, nothing?
Son: I called him three times and every time I called, a woman answered.
Mom: Really now! Just you wait and see what happens to your father when he gets home.
The father arrives home a little later, as the car pulls in the mother storms out of the house, grabs him and starts yelling at him. All the neighbours come out to see whats happening.
Mom: You good for nothing, cheating, dirty liar!
You think I don't know what you were doing with that woman?!
Boy, come here and tell everyone what the horrible woman on the phone said to you!
Son: She said "You do not have enough credit to make this call"
*This joke was translated from patois

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7arrgz/the_cheating_husband/
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Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.

The government hates competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7arkor/dont_steal_dont_lie_and_dont_cheat/
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Snoop Dogg goes to a vocal coach

The coach asks him "Can you sing very high?"
Snoop says "I can't sing if I'm not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7argq1/snoop_dogg_goes_to_a_vocal_coach/
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If someone calls me a snowflake one more time...

I’m going to melt down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7arg88/if_someone_calls_me_a_snowflake_one_more_time/
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What do you call Bill Clinton's office?

The Headquarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7arfg3/what_do_you_call_bill_clintons_office/
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I went to go buy condoms at the gas station

Clerk asked if I needed a bag. I said yeah I might need one, she's pretty ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ardbt/i_went_to_go_buy_condoms_at_the_gas_station/
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If your girlfriend starts smoking...

slow down and use a lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7arbh6/if_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
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How did Aids originally jump from chimpanzees to humans?

Tarzan was not a virgin when he met jane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7araho/how_did_aids_originally_jump_from_chimpanzees_to/
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Cartoonist found dead at home.

Details are sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ar24y/cartoonist_found_dead_at_home/
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What cheese can you use to hide a horse?

Mascarpone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aqzg2/what_cheese_can_you_use_to_hide_a_horse/
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I've often wondered what my personal life would be lacking if I'd keep training and become a champion marksman…

…but I realised I wouldn't miss much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aqyfd/ive_often_wondered_what_my_personal_life_would_be/
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Smart first grader

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped-up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”
“Then I’d be a football fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aquvi/smart_first_grader/
%
Whiteboards...

Are remarkable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aqsqn/whiteboards/
%
My lesbian GF and I suck at saving

Guess we need to stop eating out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aqof6/my_lesbian_gf_and_i_suck_at_saving/
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The other day, some guy offered me a seat on a bus and like an idiot I accepted...

...six fucking hours I drove that bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aqmki/the_other_day_some_guy_offered_me_a_seat_on_a_bus/
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I got a tattoo...

The tattoo reads "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
My tattoo artist wasn't as pleased about the version I gave him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aqm38/i_got_a_tattoo/
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What do you call a clown's twin brother?

A clone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aqlwu/what_do_you_call_a_clowns_twin_brother/
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Would you like to hear a construction joke?

**Well, I’m still working on it...**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aqktn/would_you_like_to_hear_a_construction_joke/
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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aqgvo/a_woman_noticed_her_husband_standing_on_the/
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If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aqfdr/if_light_travels_faster_than_the_speed_of_sound/
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What does a dieing star say before collapsing into a blackhole?

This story has encouraged me to address other things about my life. I choose now to live as a gay man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aqbtl/what_does_a_dieing_star_say_before_collapsing/
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Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.
He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.
A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.
Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aq5tb/anthony_arrived_home_from_work_one_day_only_to/
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My best friend wrote a book about biased opinions.

It's incredible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aq16i/my_best_friend_wrote_a_book_about_biased_opinions/
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How qualified is a circle?

It has 360 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7apztg/how_qualified_is_a_circle/
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Monkey business

Once upon a time a man told a small village, “I will buy monkeys for $10 each.”
Since there were many monkeys in the forest, the villagers caught them and sold them to the man.
As the supply of monkeys diminished, the villagers’ efforts slowed, so the man offered them $20 each.
They renewed their efforts but the supply of monkeys diminished further, so he increased his price to $25.
Soon no one could even find a monkey in the forest.
The man increased his price to $50, but announced, “Since I must go to the city on business, I authorize my assistant to buy monkeys on my behalf.”
As soon as his boss was gone, the assistant told the villagers, “My boss has collected lots of monkeys. I’ll sell them to you for $35 and then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for $50.”
The villagers rounded up all the money they could and bought as many monkeys as possible. Then they had monkeys everywhere…
… but they never saw the man or his assistant again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7apymp/monkey_business/
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"What would you like?" asks the bartender.

"What would I like?!" replies Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife!"
"No, no!" says the bartender patiently. "I meant, what do you want?"
"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"
"What's it to be!?" says the bartender, less patiently.
"A boy or a girl, I don't care."
"You misunderstand me!" says the bartender impatiently. "I only asked what you want to drink."
"Oh." says Bob. "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"
"Nothing at all." says the bartender. "I'm perfectly healthy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7apwzt/what_would_you_like_asks_the_bartender/
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I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking."

Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7apslz/i_got_fired_on_the_first_day_of_my_new_job_for/
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A guy woke up one morning..

and heard a voice inside his head that said, "Quit your job... sell your house... take all your money and go to Las Vegas." He ignored it, but later that day he heard it again, more insistent. "Quit your job... sell your house... take all your money and go to Las Vegas!" The harder he tried, the more he heard it. Pretty soon it was in his head constantly. "Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!!!"
Finally he couldn't stand it anymore. He quit his job, sold his house, put all his money in a suitcase and flew to Las Vegas. The moment he stepped off the plane the voice said, "Go to Caesar's Palace!" He took a cab to Caesar's Palace. The voice said, "Go to the roulette table!" He made his way back to the roulette table. The voice said, "Bet everything on Red 23!" He put every cent he had on Red 23. The wheel spun around, and the ball landed on Black 11. The voice said, "Fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aprta/a_guy_woke_up_one_morning/
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A Greek and an Indian...

... were drinking tea one day discussing who had the superior culture.
The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Indian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we invented the number 0.”
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Indian replies, "That is true, but we are the ones who introduced it to women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7apqly/a_greek_and_an_indian/
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A good wife is like a good carpenter

they never waste any wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7apmg9/a_good_wife_is_like_a_good_carpenter/
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Birthdays are great...

... but too many of them will kill you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7apl2l/birthdays_are_great/
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God wants to take a vacation

But he has no idea where to go. His archangel, Michael, is helping him decide.
"How about Pluto?" He asks
"Nah, it's too cold there."
"Well, what about Saturn?"
"Nah, not a fan of the rings."
"Well then how about Earth?"
"Are you kidding me? I vacationed there 2,000 years ago, accidentally knocked this chick up, and they're still talking about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7apidn/god_wants_to_take_a_vacation/
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Asked a librarian for some books on suicide

She said "fuck off, you'll never bring them back!"
*heard from a friend, probably a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7apftm/asked_a_librarian_for_some_books_on_suicide/
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Till death

So imagine a world where a person dies, goes to heaven, and gets a vehicle based on how faithful they were to their spouse.
Three men all die at the same time and are sentenced to their vehicle along side one another.
*The first man*: He was faithful to his spouse every day of his life and never even thought of another woman, so he was granted a brand new Corvette to drive for all of eternity.
*The second man*: He was a very good man. He Had one moment of weakness and cheated on his spouse but was forgiven and continued to live a life of faithfulness afterwards. For this, he was granted a used Ford pick-up truck to drive for all of eternity.
*The third man*: This man was intolerable. He had cheated on his spouse every chance he had gotten. For this, he was sentenced to drive an old beat up junker for the rest of eternity.
A few days later, the man in the junker glances down the highway and sees the man in the Corvette crying! The man pulls pulls up and proceeds to ask,
"Why are you crying? You have a wonderful car to enjoy for the rest of eternity! What could possibly be so troubling?"
The man in the Corvette turns and answers in a sobbing reply,
"I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7apf3v/till_death/
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Jew praying to god

A Jew having no children, no money, no home and a blind mother, prays sincerely to God to improve his life.
God is very pleased with his prayer, and grants him one wish, just one!
The Jew says OK God, thanks, my one and only wish is - 'I want my Mom to see my wife putting one hundred million dollars worth of diamonds around the neck of each of my 5 children, in my Rolls Royce parked next to our 2 Ferraris and 2 Lamborghinis near the enclosed heated Olympic sized swimming pool of our new 50,000 sq.ft. bungalow in our 50 acre property in Beverly Hills.'
God: Damn it! I still have a lot to learn from these Jews!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7apcn7/jew_praying_to_god/
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This girl wants to get me fired for giving her “inappropriate” shoulder rubs...

Good luck with that, I don’t even work there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ap4qa/this_girl_wants_to_get_me_fired_for_giving_her/
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Got into an accident today...

...with a little person. He got out of his car and said
"I am NOT happy!."
" well which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ap3ut/got_into_an_accident_today/
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My wife has a fantasy of seeing me with another woman

Permanently, she wants a divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ap2nd/my_wife_has_a_fantasy_of_seeing_me_with_another/
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Dark humor is like clean water...

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ap09s/dark_humor_is_like_clean_water/
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Three Words to Ruin a Guy's Ego

Girl: Is it in??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aoxoh/three_words_to_ruin_a_guys_ego/
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The Bible does not condemn homosexuality

The verse most people bring up is Leviticus 18:22, which says "Thou shall not lie with a man as thou would with a woman." This line has nothing to do with homosexuality.
What the verse actually means is that it's ok to lie when your wife asks if she looks fat but not when your buddy does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aosts/the_bible_does_not_condemn_homosexuality/
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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
'Damn, 'Damn !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aoo62/paddy_had_been_drinking_at_his_local_dublin_pub/
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I just had the most clueless Uber driver in Gettysburg, PA

He didn't even know the address.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aojz1/i_just_had_the_most_clueless_uber_driver_in/
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What question can you never honestly answer "yes" to?

Are you asleep?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aojvq/what_question_can_you_never_honestly_answer_yes_to/
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At first I thought one side chick was enough

But now I'm having second thots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aoddt/at_first_i_thought_one_side_chick_was_enough/
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The little boy just wants chocolate ice cream...

A little boy walks into an ice cream shop...
"I want chocolate ice cream!" the boy exclaimed.
"I'm sorry we don't have chocolate", the clerk sighs "but I have this delicious strawberry and vanilla!"
"No! I want chocolate!" the boy cried.
"Tell you what" ,the clerk adds "can you spell 'VAN' as in vanilla?"
"Yeah! V-A-N", the boy proudly says.
"What about 'STRAW' as in strawberry?"
"Yeah! S-T-R-A-W", the boys says as he is getting annoyed.
"Now, what about 'FUCK' is an chocolate???"
The boys screams, "There is no 'FUCK' in chocolate!!"
"That's what I'm trying to tell you, boy!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aoa17/the_little_boy_just_wants_chocolate_ice_cream/
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ROBOT FOR SALE

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ao91d/robot_for_sale/
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I was once a very consistent man.

Once was enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ao5sq/i_was_once_a_very_consistent_man/
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When I die, I want my kids to carry my casket

So they can let me down one final time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ao4ci/when_i_die_i_want_my_kids_to_carry_my_casket/
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Little Johnny is in a courtroom, deciding who will have his custody

Little Johnny has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. Little Johnny surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, Johnny cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing Johnny to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom Little Johnny firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ao3t1/little_johnny_is_in_a_courtroom_deciding_who_will/
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Have you heard of the club for people living with HIV?

I hear it's a really positive environment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ao2yu/have_you_heard_of_the_club_for_people_living_with/
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I tell bad chemistry jokes because the good ones

Argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ao17z/i_tell_bad_chemistry_jokes_because_the_good_ones/
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How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten-Tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ao0vf/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_squid/
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Solving a problem

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you'd like to know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7anwi5/solving_a_problem/
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*A Man offers whisky to a woman* who happens to sit next to him alone in a bar counter.

*Woman*: "No thanks. I don't take alcohol. It's bad for my legs. "
*Man*: "Legs ? That's strange !!! Do they swell, hurt or what ? "
*Woman*: "No ! They open easily !!! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7anvdl/a_man_offers_whisky_to_a_woman_who_happens_to_sit/
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New Scam on Senior Men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one Caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead, ask for a ride to McDonald's. Ok, this is when it really gets scary.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen MAY 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also JUNE 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely it will happen again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's to Home Depot to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7anuyg/new_scam_on_senior_men/
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The iPhone X

Is a top-notch smartphone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7anq69/the_iphone_x/
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I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!
~
~
*[edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger.]*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7anoow/i_took_my_daughter_out_for_her_first_drink/
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How do you milk a sheep?

Release another iPhone for $1000.
-Credit to my buddy at work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7anont/how_do_you_milk_a_sheep/
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Have you heard of the newest trend? Corduroy pillows.

They're making headlines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7anner/have_you_heard_of_the_newest_trend_corduroy/
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What do you call bacteria that likes to party?

A fungi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7anjxs/what_do_you_call_bacteria_that_likes_to_party/
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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig

The letter F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7angc1/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
I'm not passive aggressive

Unlike some people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7angb1/im_not_passive_aggressive/
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Any salad can be a Ceasar salad...

if you stab it enough times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7anear/any_salad_can_be_a_ceasar_salad/
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I love working with spreadsheets

I Excel at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7anblb/i_love_working_with_spreadsheets/
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For decades I've always liked Kevin Spacey

Turns out he stopped liking me decades ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7an8w8/for_decades_ive_always_liked_kevin_spacey/
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If you overthrow the government in exactly seventeen syllables...

... is it a Hai-coup?
Technically a bilingual pun, hope that's not violating rule 8...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7an82m/if_you_overthrow_the_government_in_exactly/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7an7pb/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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3 steps to fix anything

1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2
2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3
3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7an6xz/3_steps_to_fix_anything/
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A sitcom about a 9/11 hijacker was in the works for Comedy Central

But it never made it past the pilot episode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7an6je/a_sitcom_about_a_911_hijacker_was_in_the_works/
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What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?

Married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7an5aq/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_is_paralyzed_from/
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What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad hasn't beat cancer yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7an4v8/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_cancer/
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A house is on fire with two gay guys inside, which one gets out first?

The one with his shit packed of course!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7an0dz/a_house_is_on_fire_with_two_gay_guys_inside_which/
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What do you call it when you receive a shipment of iron?

*Fe mail.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7amyj5/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_receive_a_shipment/
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Good choice.

Me: To make a woman laugh is the second best method to get her to sleep with you.
Her: And what is the best method?
Me: Chloroform.
Her: You are funny!
Me: Good choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7amuwg/good_choice/
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Southwest Airlines

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked: "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
He said that she had.
With a clever grin, she said: "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7amr3g/southwest_airlines/
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As a Dad, it breaks my heart to see how quick my kids are to blame others.

They get that from their mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ami8d/as_a_dad_it_breaks_my_heart_to_see_how_quick_my/
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A woman decided to end her life by jumping into the ocean.

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by jumping into the ocean from a bridge.
Just before she could throw herself in, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive"
With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.
From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," The captain says.
Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7amepm/a_woman_decided_to_end_her_life_by_jumping_into/
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A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place".
But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here."
The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK".
St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.".
The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!".
St Peter said, "We go by billing hours".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7amc8o/a_lawyer_died_and_was_standing_in_front_of_st/
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Why was the duck in rehab?

He was addicted to quack cocaine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7am68w/why_was_the_duck_in_rehab/
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Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Nevermind, I shouldn't spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7am4cn/did_you_hear_the_rumor_about_butter/
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What's the difference between 17 and 18?

Five to ten years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7altod/whats_the_difference_between_17_and_18/
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I was trying to fix a problem with my DNS

But I couldn't come to a resolution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7altaj/i_was_trying_to_fix_a_problem_with_my_dns/
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I miss the good ol days...

When "harass" was two words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7alnlc/i_miss_the_good_ol_days/
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Intelligence is the first thing I look for in woman..

Because if she doesn’t have THAT, I may just have a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7allj3/intelligence_is_the_first_thing_i_look_for_in/
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I love volunteering so much..

I'd do it for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7allb0/i_love_volunteering_so_much/
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I went to a pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table...

I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7alizc/i_went_to_a_pub_last_night_and_saw_a_fat_girl/
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Two Men are walking in the woods...

When they come upon a Grizzly Bear. The first man bends down quickly and begins to tighten shoelaces.
The second man says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
As the first man begins to stretch he replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aliwj/two_men_are_walking_in_the_woods/
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You know who really hates spoiled children?

Cannibals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7alcxc/you_know_who_really_hates_spoiled_children/
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There was a woman breastfeeding in the park.

Fascinated, I walked over and said, "I hope you don't mind me being curious, but what's it like?"
"Oh," she said, "it's a bit uncomfortable if I'm honest."
I said, "I was talking to the baby."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7alco0/there_was_a_woman_breastfeeding_in_the_park/
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A husband buys a dozen of panties of the same colour for his wife.

His wife protests: " Why the same colour, people will think i don't change my panties."
Husband asks" which people?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7al9ex/a_husband_buys_a_dozen_of_panties_of_the_same/
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So did y’all hear OJ Simpson is going to get remarried?

He’s gonna take another stab at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7al94d/so_did_yall_hear_oj_simpson_is_going_to_get/
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What did one earthquake say to the other?

Was that your fault or mine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7al7eo/what_did_one_earthquake_say_to_the_other/
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What did the blind kid with a lisp say when Theodore told him to open a door?

I cant Theodore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7al6nl/what_did_the_blind_kid_with_a_lisp_say_when/
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Multi level meta joke

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke."
So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke."
So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a good joke."
So the guy says "What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7al6a9/multi_level_meta_joke/
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My pillow

I designed my own pillow.  The pillow to rule all pillows.  The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material.  I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation.  It took months, but I finished.  The last step was to transport it from the sewing room upstairs to my bedroom downstairs.  Alas, I dropped it from the top of the stairs and by the time it reached the bottom there was stuffing everywhere, and all of the thread had come loose.
It appeared I would have to live without my pillow...
or sew its seams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7al1kx/my_pillow/
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I was never good at english...

so I did math instead.
oh, eh sorry I mean meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7akwg5/i_was_never_good_at_english/
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What's the difference between a school and a terrorist camp?

How the fuck would I know I'm just a fucking drone pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7akwbl/whats_the_difference_between_a_school_and_a/
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There's a woman named Jean who works in my lab and everyday she comes in stinking of body odor.

I don't really speak to her much and rarely say hello, usually if I pass her in the hallway I just say "Hi Jean"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7akvvq/theres_a_woman_named_jean_who_works_in_my_lab_and/
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Yo mama so fat even her words carry weight.

She posts on Reddit and gets down-voted by gravity!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7akt88/yo_mama_so_fat_even_her_words_carry_weight/
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I asked my veteran grandfather what’s the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet?

“Why didn’t you become a real doctor?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aksjq/i_asked_my_veteran_grandfather_whats_the_most/
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What do you call a drug addict who likes anime?

Weed-a-boo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7akq7b/what_do_you_call_a_drug_addict_who_likes_anime/
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Sex toy companies should target their advertisements at virgins.

It's an untapped market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7akq00/sex_toy_companies_should_target_their/
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Political joke

A boy asks his father:
What is politics?
Father answers:
It’s very simple! You see, I bring in the money, so I’m big business . Your mother spends the money, so she’s the government.
Your grandfather sees to it that everything is managed in an orderly way. So he’s the law.
Our maid is the working class.
Everything revolves around your interests, so you’re the people. Your little baby brother represents the future.
The boy has to think it over. That night he hears his little brother crying due to a dirty diaper. He doesn’t know what to do, so he goes to the bedroom of his parents. There his mother is sound asleep. He goes to the bedroom of the maid, but his father is there fucking the maid — and oddly enough his grandfather is watching through the window.
Nobody notices the boy and he returns to his bed.
The next day his father asks him:
So, can you now explain to me what politics is?
The boy says:
Yes, it’s all become clear to me!
Big business screws over the working class while the law watches and the government sleeps. The people are ignored and the future lies in shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7akn02/political_joke/
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Woman to her Husband while at it : "Please say dirty things to me!"

Husband: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7akl2n/woman_to_her_husband_while_at_it_please_say_dirty/
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School is like a penis

It's long and hard unless you're Asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aki5e/school_is_like_a_penis/
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So, there's this book all about watches.

It tells you about the history of watches, how they work, all sorts of things. It's coming out tomorrow.
It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7akhvs/so_theres_this_book_all_about_watches/
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How do you handle an elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7akhc0/how_do_you_handle_an_elephant_with_3_balls/
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A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked. The assailant says "Give me all your money".

The politician says "Do you know who I am? I'm an important government official". The mugger says "Fine, give me all my money"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ake7t/a_politician_is_walking_down_the_street_when_he/
%
When people find out I work in a food tinning factory they always doubt my ability to do my job.

But I can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7akdqa/when_people_find_out_i_work_in_a_food_tinning/
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Why couldn't the 13 year old boy sleep when he lived next to a brothel?

Whoremoans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7akc6h/why_couldnt_the_13_year_old_boy_sleep_when_he/
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The CIA found evidence that Osama Bin Laden had downloaded a lot of videos about how to crochet

Turns out he was trying to replace all those lost afghans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7akajq/the_cia_found_evidence_that_osama_bin_laden_had/
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What do you call a Mexican midget

a paragraph, because he's not a full essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ak9s1/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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Penises are the lightest objects in the world.

Even thoughts can raise them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ak9p8/penises_are_the_lightest_objects_in_the_world/
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The First Time!!!!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.  He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.  He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.  The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be really going for it....it being his first time and all.  That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
'Oh,' she said 'I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'  The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ak69e/the_first_time/
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Aspiring thief breaks into theater...

Steals spotlight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ak4di/aspiring_thief_breaks_into_theater/
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What do Texas and an aspiring Hollywood actress have in common?

They both get fucked by Harvey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ak484/what_do_texas_and_an_aspiring_hollywood_actress/
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It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards

It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of sexual misconduct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajzqt/its_a_good_thing_they_shut_down_production_of/
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Girls night out!!!

Having Spent all their Taxi Fair for the last round, walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious:
"My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajywk/girls_night_out/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajryl/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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I have an inferiority complex

But it's not a very good one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajr42/i_have_an_inferiority_complex/
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Dave and John walk in a market

Dave stole three Snickers bars and put them in his pocket. He said "I have such quick hands, no one ever caught me. I bet you can't do same". At the cashier desk, John says to the cashier " you wanna see some magic" he says "yeah" . John says bring me 3 Snickers bars. He brought them, John ate them. The cashier says "where is the magic in this?" John says "put your hand in this dude's pocket and take them out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajqd7/dave_and_john_walk_in_a_market/
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A naked women took a taxi

All way long, the driver starring at her in the mirror. She said "what? You never seen a naked woman?" He said "no. I'm just wondering where you will take the money out from"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajp65/a_naked_women_took_a_taxi/
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What did Jean-Luc Picard say when Engineering offered to fix his electric sewing machine?

Make it sew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajovv/what_did_jeanluc_picard_say_when_engineering/
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What does Titanic and the iPhone X have in common?

Jack is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajlk3/what_does_titanic_and_the_iphone_x_have_in_common/
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I've got good news and bad news

The good news is that the bad news isn't so bad.
The bad news is that there's no more good news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajjzy/ive_got_good_news_and_bad_news/
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Right after the Baby was born, the Midwife asked me:

"Do you have a name yet?"
I said "Yes, it's Eli"
She said "Aww... That's a lovely name!"
"Thank you!" I said  "-But what do you think we should call the baby?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aji92/right_after_the_baby_was_born_the_midwife_asked_me/
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I became a proud father yesterday

My son is 4 but he was a boring little cunt for the first years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aji6e/i_became_a_proud_father_yesterday/
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TIFU by combining a hydroxide ion with nitric oxide

OH NO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajfn0/tifu_by_combining_a_hydroxide_ion_with_nitric/
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Why is Kevin Spacey so good at writing sad songs

Because he’s great at fingering minors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajf7k/why_is_kevin_spacey_so_good_at_writing_sad_songs/
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I asked my biology teacher how he makes his class so interesting

He told me: Sex cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajdab/i_asked_my_biology_teacher_how_he_makes_his_class/
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My go-to joke whenever anybody asks me to tell them a joke...

A man walks into a pet shop and sees a beautiful parrot. He asks the shop owner about it, and the owner says "Ah, that's the Wikibird. Not only can it talk, but it knows a lot of useful information. You can ask it anything you want and it will respond."
The man decides to test out the Wikibird. "What's the capital of Australia?" The bird replies "SQUAWK! Canberra."
The man continues, "Who played Colonel Jessup in *A Few Good Men?*"
"SQUAWK! Jack Nicholson."
The man is really impressed, so he decides to buy the bird and bring it home. He immediately shows it off to his wife, and she puts it to the test.
"Okay, bird, what's the FDA recommend internal temperature for cooking pork?"
"SQUAWK! 145° F."
The couple tests out their bird for a while, and can't stump it. They decide to throw a party, and have all their guests all the bird questions. The party guests get very creative, too.
"Hey parrot, what's the ending soliloquy from *A Midsummer Night's Dream*?"
"SQUAWK! If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended, that you have but slumbered here, while these visions did appear, and this weak and idle theme, no more yielding than a dream. Gentles, do not reprehend, if you pardon, we will mend, as I am an honest Puck, if we have unearned luck, now to 'scape the serpent's tongue, we will make amends 'ere long, else the Puck a liar call, so good night unto you all. Give me your hands if we be friends, and Robin shall restore amends."
"Hey bird! What are the first 100 digits of pi?
"SQUAWK! 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841941693993751058209749445923078162062862089986280"
"Alright, Polly, What's the first sentence of the US Declaration of Independence?"
"SQUAWK! When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them another, and to assume among the forces of the Earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature, and of nature's God, entitle them, with decent respect to the opinions of mankind, retire that they declared the causes which impel then towards that separation."
"Wikibird, how does the John Mulaney 'best meal I ever ate' routine go?"
...and the bird is silent! Not a peep. They try asking again, "Wikibird, how does the John Mulaney 'best meal I ever ate' routine go?"
Still no response.
Confounded and annoyed, the man turns to the pet shop to complain about the bird's silence. The pet shop owner is also confused about why the bird wouldn't answer. Thinking on his toes, he decides to ask the bird itself why it kept mum.
"Hey, Wikibird. Why didn't you do the John Mulaney bit?"
And the bird replies, flat out, "Fuck you, I'm not gonna tell you a joke just because you asked me to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajd2u/my_goto_joke_whenever_anybody_asks_me_to_tell/
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What is the best pick-up line to use in a gay bar?

May I push in your stool?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajcwc/what_is_the_best_pickup_line_to_use_in_a_gay_bar/
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Consent is golden. Duct tape is sliver.

And sometimes, you gotta come in second place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ajabb/consent_is_golden_duct_tape_is_sliver/
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Why do Egyptians shave their heads?

To make them more pharaoh-dynamic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aj8ab/why_do_egyptians_shave_their_heads/
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Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aj60c/typical_macho_man_married_typical_goodlooking/
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Ice Cube is 48 years old, but still hasn't melted. Do you know why?

Man's not hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aj5xr/ice_cube_is_48_years_old_but_still_hasnt_melted/
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wanna hear two short jokes and a long one?

Joke. Joke.
Joooooooooooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aj369/wanna_hear_two_short_jokes_and_a_long_one/
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I had Kevin Spacey show up at a house party

I don’t see what all the fuss about him is. I was chatting to him for an hour about all things from art and music to politics.
He’s a very articulate and intelligent man but I must say his sense of direction is a bit off.
He cut our conversation short saying that he had to use the little boys room. I told him it was the first door on the right but he beelined straight for my sons room.
Lovely chap altogether

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aj2fg/i_had_kevin_spacey_show_up_at_a_house_party/
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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator

The bar tender says "sir you cant have that here! it will bite one of my customers and i'll get sued"
The man replied " Its quite the tame alligator- watch"
He places the alligator on the counter, unzips his pants, and places his package in the open gators' mouth and leaves it there for about 5 min. After that time he puts his package away and says "see? Anyone else wanna give it a try?"
A drunk man at the end of the bar spoke " I'll give it a try- but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aj0bj/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_alligator/
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Message from my girlfriend:

"It's over! Your dick's too big. - It hurts me."
I was heartbroken and sad. But, when I came home she was there!
She said: "Forget the message! It was meant for someone else."
Can’t describe the relief I felt. Everything feels good again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aizxq/message_from_my_girlfriend/
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Tim is driving along the road when a man wearing yellow flags him down

He slows down, puzzled.
"Just who are you supposed to be?"
The man replies: "I'm a yellow cunt and I'll be on my way if you just give me some food!
Tim is confused, but gives the sandwich he was going to have for lunch, and the man skips away.
He resumes driving, but not even a mile later, he's flagged down by a man dressed in red.
A little annoyed, Tim asks: "Alright, and what's this about?"
"I'm a red cunt, and I'll be on my way if you just give me something to drink!" So Tim gives the man the soda from his lunch.
He starts to drive again, a little faster this time, but is almost immediately flagged down by a man dressed in blue.
Tim is annoyed, so when the man walks up to him, he asks: "And what the fuck do you want, blue cunt?"
There is a moment's stony silence, and then the man responds: "I'm going to want to see your license and registration, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aizcu/tim_is_driving_along_the_road_when_a_man_wearing/
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A bad workman blames his fools...

**EDIT: tools**
...stupid keyboard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aiudt/a_bad_workman_blames_his_fools/
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What's a gangster's least favorite food?

Snitchel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7air79/whats_a_gangsters_least_favorite_food/
%
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call her and tell her about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aipau/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_during_sex/
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I told my buddy that I got fired for downloading porn at work and causing everything to crash...

"That's a bit harsh," he said.
I replied, "They don't screw around at Air Traffic Control."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aiok0/i_told_my_buddy_that_i_got_fired_for_downloading/
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Sex with me is like a race

Who will come first?
Me or the police?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aij3u/sex_with_me_is_like_a_race/
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Dads are like boomerangs

He’ll be back.
Right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aiinl/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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My friends keep questioning me on my mayonnaise addiction....

I said “What the Hellman?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aiidl/my_friends_keep_questioning_me_on_my_mayonnaise/
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What's a gangster's favorite food?

Snitchel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aigyc/whats_a_gangsters_favorite_food/
%
My brother just threw a milk carton at me

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aifvx/my_brother_just_threw_a_milk_carton_at_me/
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I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear...

"What's this for? he asked.
I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aifqw/i_walked_into_my_bosss_office_and_handed_him_a/
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What newspaper does a triangle read?

...the *hypotenews*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ai4vr/what_newspaper_does_a_triangle_read/
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A guy goes birdwatching in the woods and steps into some quicksand

He is sinking and the sand is up to his waist. Another birdwatcher comes by and he begs him for help. The birdwatcher says he can help,but first he has to suck his dick. He says I ain't no queer I'd rather die than suck your dick. Guy says suit yourself and walks away.
Now he is up to his chest and another birdwatcher comes by and he begs and pleads for help. The guy says yeah alright I'll help ,but you gotta suck my dick. He once again says no way, Im not sucking your dick I would rather die before I suck dick so the other guy says ok fine and walks away.
Now he is down to his neck. He is desperate and panicking. He sees a third birdwatcher come by and pleads begs does anything he can to get this guys attention. He even tells him please, help ill do anything ,ill suck your dick just get me out of here. The 3rd birdwatcher looks at him and stomps on his head. "Fucking Faggots" .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ai11a/a_guy_goes_birdwatching_in_the_woods_and_steps/
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Why are keyboards always tired?

They have 2 shifts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ahs87/why_are_keyboards_always_tired/
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The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.

So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ahqqa/the_wife_was_nagging_me_for_ages_to_put_a_shelf/
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A FEW GOOD LAWYERS

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ahpxp/a_few_good_lawyers/
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hey babe, if I had a dollar for every time I thought of you,

I'd start thinking about you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ahoyd/hey_babe_if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i/
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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth...

After that, everything else was Made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ahnov/in_the_beginning_god_created_the_heaven_and_the/
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I need glasses to see my family.

In particular, two glasses of scotch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ahn5r/i_need_glasses_to_see_my_family/
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The jumper ....

A Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.
Sleazy driver says with sly grin "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job."
So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ahmrw/the_jumper/
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A son walks in on his dad putting a condom on in the bathroom.

The son says "what are you doing?"
The dad says "uhh... trying to catch a mouse!"
The son says "Oh. After you catch it, are you gonna fuck it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ahmoj/a_son_walks_in_on_his_dad_putting_a_condom_on_in/
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Busy all night

A married couple couldn't make ends meet and ran out of money. They decided since they had to pay the bills the wife would go to the streets to do some hooking.
The next morning she returns with $302 The husband says" Wow, thats great, but which assh*** gave you $2???". "All of them!" said the wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ahhbt/busy_all_night/
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"Hello. Hi Honey. This is daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy. She is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a short pause, daddy says: “but honey, you don’t have an uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes, mommy says I do and he is upstairs with mommy in the bedroom right now.”
After a short time, daddy says: “Okay, then this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and know on the bedroom door and scream that daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back on the phone. “I did it daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” daddy asked. “Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. She tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all.”
“Oh my God!!!! And what happened to your uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week and cleaned it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he is dead.
Long pause … The daddy says, “Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ahd1r/hello_hi_honey_this_is_daddy_is_mommy_near_the/
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Why can you never go hungry at the beach?

Because of all the sand which is there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aha22/why_can_you_never_go_hungry_at_the_beach/
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Shakespeare would have been a terrible umpire.

Fair is foul, and foul is fair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ah60s/shakespeare_would_have_been_a_terrible_umpire/
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You'll never guess this simple and surefire way to become a millionaire!

Obtain 1,000,000 dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ah4a7/youll_never_guess_this_simple_and_surefire_way_to/
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My 8 Year Old Nephew Had A Joke To Say

“What did the ant say to the other ant?”
“I dunno, what?”
“Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”
“Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.”
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ah2y3/my_8_year_old_nephew_had_a_joke_to_say/
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If I had 50 cents for every mental health exam I've failed...

I'd have cats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ah05x/if_i_had_50_cents_for_every_mental_health_exam/
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I'm glad the Astros won the World Series

The people of Houston have waded so long for this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ah011/im_glad_the_astros_won_the_world_series/
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Why can't blind people sky dive?

Scares the shit out of the dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7agztl/why_cant_blind_people_sky_dive/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7agzc1/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_satanist/
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An 85-year old man..

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7agz9b/an_85year_old_man/
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Three men are in a bar

, talking about the Red Sox. "I think they'll win it all this year," said the first man. "No way, the Yankees are too good", said the second man. "Well, I've converted to several versions of Christianity and still belong to all of them!" declared the third man, before walking off.
"That was a strange guy," said the first man. "No," said the second man, "that was just a non-sect-quitter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7agypg/three_men_are_in_a_bar/
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If Dr. Bruce Banner always cites his sources

Does that make him the credible hulk?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7agy6x/if_dr_bruce_banner_always_cites_his_sources/
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Kevin Spacey walks into a bar

and he yells "Who wants me to push in their stool?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7agxy8/kevin_spacey_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why do Star Trek fans never grow out of it?

They just Klingon to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7agvwf/why_do_star_trek_fans_never_grow_out_of_it/
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As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, "Dogs are easily amused"...

Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7agqd5/as_i_watched_the_dog_chasing_his_tail_i_thought/
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How NOT to cheer up your overweight girlfriend

My girlfriend was sad one day, and exclaimed "I look like a huge whale".
Being the compassionate caring man that I am, I said "no you don't, you're more like a medium-sized seal".
To my surprise she was not amused, or comforted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7agouv/how_not_to_cheer_up_your_overweight_girlfriend/
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A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend...

...she looks at him "dad, I'm sorry" he says "Hi sorry, I'm dad" then he turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking Sorry!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7agka8/a_dad_walks_in_on_his_daughter_having_sex_with/
%
How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus-Chex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7agk9b/how_do_dinosaurs_pay_their_bills/
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Having a 3rd chromosome....

Is a real downer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7agjq0/having_a_3rd_chromosome/
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A man wakes up in the hospital after electrocuting himself...

Doctor: What is your name?
Man: Steven
Doctor: Good. Who is the current US President?
Man: Obama
Doctor: Oh no that is incorrect it is President Trump
Man: Dammit it didn't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7agind/a_man_wakes_up_in_the_hospital_after/
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What do Trump campaign staffers say when they bump into Trump?

Pardon me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7age5h/what_do_trump_campaign_staffers_say_when_they/
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An American, Irishman and an Australian are at a bar.

When Jesus walks in and sits at the end of the bar. The American walks over to Jesus and asks
"Is it true you're Jesus?"
"Yes my son" says Jesus.
The American buys him a Budweiser and Jesus taps him on the arm "Thank you my son you are now cured of your arthritis".
As the man walks back to tell his mates he realises his arthritis is cured.
So the Irishman walk over to Jesus and asks
"Is it true you're Jesus?"
"Yes my son" says Jesus
The Irishman buys him a Guinness and Jesus taps him on the arm "Thank you my son you are now cured of your cancer"
As the man walks back to tell his mates he realises he feels suddenly much better and his cancer is gone.
Then the Australian goes over to Jesus and asks
"Is it true you're Jesus?"
"Yes my son" says Jesus
The Australian buys him a VB, as Jesus goes to tap his arm the Australia knocks his hand away.
"Don't touch me cunt! I'm on Workers Comp!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ag2lt/an_american_irishman_and_an_australian_are_at_a/
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How to write for Buzzfeed:

1) Go to Reddit
2) CTRL+C
3) CTRL+V

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ag1ck/how_to_write_for_buzzfeed/
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My last boss was a dwarf

He was a real micromanager

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7afzlg/my_last_boss_was_a_dwarf/
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I tried to design a piece of paper and my teacher was impressed.

He gave me an A4 effort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7afxzd/i_tried_to_design_a_piece_of_paper_and_my_teacher/
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Being a single father of 5 is tough..

Never know when one of those little fuckers might find me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7afxqp/being_a_single_father_of_5_is_tough/
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How did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7afd9m/how_did_the_hipster_drown/
%
Everything's a booomerang

If you throw it straight up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7afcn3/everythings_a_booomerang/
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A man is arrested for killing a condor

A man is arrested for killing an endangered condor. Before the judge, the man says, "Your honor, I only killed the condor to feed my hungry family."
The judge says, "Well, I can't charge a man for feeding his family. And I'm curious so I'll let you off with a warning if you answer one question. What did it taste like?"
The man says, “Somewhere between a bald eagle and a baby seal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7afbry/a_man_is_arrested_for_killing_a_condor/
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What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7af7me/what_do_you_do_if_you_see_a_spaceman/
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What's a Canadian's favorite unit of computer memory?

The Tim-byte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7af6os/whats_a_canadians_favorite_unit_of_computer_memory/
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After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a sexual predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future.

Unless he runs for President of the United States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7af1ng/after_discovering_that_kevin_spacey_is_a_sexual/
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My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall.

I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aewm0/my_brother_went_to_jail_he_didnt_take_it_very/
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What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Grandad's trousers?

Grandma on wash day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aeu14/whats_pink_and_wrinkly_and_hangs_out_grandads/
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My friend stirs soup with his left hand.

But I stir soup with a spoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aetb3/my_friend_stirs_soup_with_his_left_hand/
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What do Colin Kaepernick and Tonya Harding have in common?

Both of them are famous for taking a knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aenqg/what_do_colin_kaepernick_and_tonya_harding_have/
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My penis is only 4 inches long...

...but it smells like a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aejwg/my_penis_is_only_4_inches_long/
%
What does a frog do when he's bored?

rrrrrrrrreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aei16/what_does_a_frog_do_when_hes_bored/
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Eminem has decided to convert to Islam.

He's now known as Muslim Shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aee2m/eminem_has_decided_to_convert_to_islam/
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If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed

I would have $7.20 by now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aedm8/if_i_got_50_for_every_math_test_ive_failed/
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When I was in school, my math teacher called me average.

It was mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ae9ss/when_i_was_in_school_my_math_teacher_called_me/
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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it...

It's still fowl language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ae21d/if_your_phone_auto_corrects_fuck_to_duck_its_okay/
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Why did the cum cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ae14e/why_did_the_cum_cross_the_road/
%
I have a noon appointment with the horse doctor

How that horse became a doctor I do not know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7adz0k/i_have_a_noon_appointment_with_the_horse_doctor/
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I went to a restaurant on the summit of Mt. Everest.

I give it 3 stars. Food was good, not much atmosphere though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7adyqf/i_went_to_a_restaurant_on_the_summit_of_mt_everest/
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What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A roamin catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7adub7/what_do_you_call_a_sleep_walking_nun/
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I was Christmas shopping the other day and I saw a brass band, with dribble underneath all of their instruments

Turns out it was the Salivation Army

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7adsja/i_was_christmas_shopping_the_other_day_and_i_saw/
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A turntable fell on my head once

but I'm perfectly fine, perfectly fine, perfectly fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7adrk8/a_turntable_fell_on_my_head_once/
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What does a nosy pepper do?

Get jalapeño business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7adqip/what_does_a_nosy_pepper_do/
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A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7adobj/a_cab_driver_reaches_the_pearly_gates_st_peter/
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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7adlnv/a_lady_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_really_cute/
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Why did the submarine quit its job?

It was under too much pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7adk38/why_did_the_submarine_quit_its_job/
%
If you pee your pants

Urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7adcgm/if_you_pee_your_pants/
%
I bought 6 cans of Sprite from the shop today..

But when I got home I realised I'd picked 7up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ad8z6/i_bought_6_cans_of_sprite_from_the_shop_today/
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I was playing scrabble and my dad played the word 'stneve'

Needless to say, it was an unexpected turn of events.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ad7yc/i_was_playing_scrabble_and_my_dad_played_the_word/
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A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top.

She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.
Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."
The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ad6he/a_good_looking_woman_walks_into_a_bar_wearing_a/
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Kevin Spacey is like a TV

Even a 3 year old can turn him on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ad0rm/kevin_spacey_is_like_a_tv/
%
Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.

Because actions speak louder than words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aczby/once_i_got_kicked_out_of_a_library_for_being_a/
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If a whore is blowing a guy right on the Kuwait-Iraqi border she is..

In between Iraq and a hard place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7acxmj/if_a_whore_is_blowing_a_guy_right_on_the/
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How did the rabbit know his wife was cheating on him?

He found multiple hares in his bed XD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7acs31/how_did_the_rabbit_know_his_wife_was_cheating_on/
%
Hey girl, is summer over yet?

Because I’m falling for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7acr1e/hey_girl_is_summer_over_yet/
%
So I went into Mcdonalds and ordered some fries.

There was a chubby girl working, she seemed busy and kinda stressed out.  She informed me the fries are cooking, and will be ready in about 3 minutes.  I told her "no problem" and waited for my fries.  After a few minutes she brought me my order and said "sorry about the wait"  I said "no problem chubby, you're bound to lose it sometime".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7acoux/so_i_went_into_mcdonalds_and_ordered_some_fries/
%
My girlfriend's a pornstar.

But for the life of me, I don't know how to tell her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7acjwb/my_girlfriends_a_pornstar/
%
You know the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't either, but their flag's a big plus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7acf8e/you_know_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
Why did the Spanish Psychopath only kill on trains?

Because he had a locomotive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7acbhg/why_did_the_spanish_psychopath_only_kill_on_trains/
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[OC] How do you decide what bed to buy?

You sleep on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ac7pk/oc_how_do_you_decide_what_bed_to_buy/
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A professor makes a bet with a student

. Every question the professor asks that the student can't answer the student will owe him $1, every question the student asks that the professor can't answer he owes the student $100.
Professor: What element has the atomic number 45?
The student having no idea hands the professor $1.
Student: What animal walks on 2 legs, sleeps on 4 legs, and runs on 3 legs?
The professor is stumped, so he gives the student $100.
Professor: Ok you win, but on earth was the answer to your question?
The student gives the professor $1 and goes home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ac6vz/a_professor_makes_a_bet_with_a_student/
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Where did John go after the explosion in his house?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ac5j5/where_did_john_go_after_the_explosion_in_his_house/
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what do kevin spacey and walmart have in common?

They both have small boys pants at half off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ac54g/what_do_kevin_spacey_and_walmart_have_in_common/
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Did you hear about the new Mexican magician?

At the end of his show he says he shall disappear on the count of 3.
"Uno, Dos...(poof) a flash of cloud and he's gone.
He disappeared without a "tres"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ac4yr/did_you_hear_about_the_new_mexican_magician/
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What do people call a black guys son?

They call him by his name u racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ac2kq/what_do_people_call_a_black_guys_son/
%
What's a dictator's least favourite band?

The Guerillaz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ac1m6/whats_a_dictators_least_favourite_band/
%
I’m a bit skeptical about YoutubeTV...

If I know YouTube they’ll start demonetizing all the channels in no time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abyd9/im_a_bit_skeptical_about_youtubetv/
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Three men are sentenced to death.

Each of the three prisoners were brought up one at a time in front of the firing squad.
The first man was up and the captain began to shout " ready... aim...." and the prisoner yelled "Tornado!!!". Everyone ran for cover and the first prisoner got away.
The second man was brought forth and the captain began to shout " ready... aim..." Thinking quick like the first prisoner the second man yelled " Tsunami!!" and everyone ran for safety while the second prisoner got away.
The third prisoner however, was not as bright. He saw how easy the first to guys got away and thought he could do the same. He was brought forth and the Captain yelled "ready.... aim...." and then as loud as the third prisoner could yell he screamed out "Fire!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abw0a/three_men_are_sentenced_to_death/
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I've never been any good at nipple play...

...I just can't quite seem to put my finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abu28/ive_never_been_any_good_at_nipple_play/
%
Two blondes were walking through the park digging holes and filling them up again.

One of them would dig the holes, and the other would fill them up. One man couldn't control his curiosity and asked the blondes why they were digging and filling holes pointlessly, to which one replied:
"Well, there was supposed to be another one of us planting saplings before we fill the holes, but she couldn't come so we'll have to make do without her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abstm/two_blondes_were_walking_through_the_park_digging/
%
I once asked my pastor what the Bible says about masturbation.

He told me it's difficult to say when all the pages are stuck together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abrz2/i_once_asked_my_pastor_what_the_bible_says_about/
%
I like my ceiling.

It's not the best, but it's up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abrq9/i_like_my_ceiling/
%
I was outside school last week. One of the other parents came over and asked me what year my daughter was in.

I said "2017"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abrkj/i_was_outside_school_last_week_one_of_the_other/
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Terrorists have an Off-Switch.

It’s in the back of their heads. Use a baseball bat to activate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abras/terrorists_have_an_offswitch/
%
Why is it hard to keep inventory in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally ban.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abp69/why_is_it_hard_to_keep_inventory_in_afghanistan/
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I went to see my doctor today, apparently I have alzheimer's.

On the plus side, at least I didn't have alzheimer's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abmje/i_went_to_see_my_doctor_today_apparently_i_have/
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A PS4 and XBOX One had the flu...

And here comes the ambulance:
WII U WIIU WIIU WII U.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abmir/a_ps4_and_xbox_one_had_the_flu/
%
How do you make a 4D printer?

Just take a 3D printer and give it some time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abk3m/how_do_you_make_a_4d_printer/
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What is the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud" but the Scotsman says "Hey, McCleod, get off of my ewe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abivu/what_is_the_difference_between_mick_jagger_and_a/
%
What is the flat earthers greatest fear?

The sfeare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abgmy/what_is_the_flat_earthers_greatest_fear/
%
How do you know you're ugly?

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7abepy/how_do_you_know_youre_ugly/
%
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ab91c/i_won_3_million_on_the_lottery_this_weekend_so_i/
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“My wife’s identical twin sister is living with us till she finds a job”

I said to my friend
He asked “ do you know how to tell them apart ?”
I remarked “ why should I  ?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ab1xi/my_wifes_identical_twin_sister_is_living_with_us/
%
A couple have four children.

The first three have ginger hair and green eyes, while the youngest has brown hair and eyes. On his death bed, the husband says to his wife, “Be honest with me: is our youngest child truly mine?” His wife looks him in the eye and says a firm “Yes.” The man breathes a sigh of relief and passes away.  His wife breathes a similar sigh of relief: “Thank fuck he didn’t ask about the other three!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7ab123/a_couple_have_four_children/
%
My girlfriend hates it when I call her 'curvy'.

She says it's Scoliosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aayal/my_girlfriend_hates_it_when_i_call_her_curvy/
%
A university student was hitchhiking on the side of the road on a very dark night in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly a car slowly came towards him and stopped. Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, he got into the car and closed the door.. only to realize that there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. He looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. Paralyzed with terror, he watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter he saw the lights from a pub appearing down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran towards it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.
Suddenly the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They were also soaked and out of breath like him. They looked around, and after seeing him sobbing at the bar, one of them said to the other...
'Look .....there's the fucking idiot that got in our car while we were pushing it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aawxx/a_university_student_was_hitchhiking_on_the_side/
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I’m pretty sure that I experimented with homosexuality in college...

I’m not sue though, my memories are kind of Spacey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aav5z/im_pretty_sure_that_i_experimented_with/
%
Told my boss he needs winter tires

Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aapig/told_my_boss_he_needs_winter_tires/
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The Mole family

Sorry if it's a repost... There are too many jokes to check them all.
So here goes..
Early one morning, mama mole woke and thought "I smell pancakes and syrup." So she climbed up the tunnel and stuck her nose out of the mole hole to enjoy the aroma. Papa mole followed and squeezed next to her. Baby mole went up too but was stopped because mama and papa left no room. He started crying. Mama mole "What's the matter, can't you smell the syrup?". Baby mole said "No, I can only smell molasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aan8l/the_mole_family/
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With all the Kevin Spacey stuff going on... [OC]

It doesn't matter if he goes to prison or not
Either way, he's gonna get fucked in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aammq/with_all_the_kevin_spacey_stuff_going_on_oc/
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My friend is seriously in to Inflating Animals...

Whatever floats your goat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aal2t/my_friend_is_seriously_in_to_inflating_animals/
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What do you call an Italian with no hands?

Mute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aagzx/what_do_you_call_an_italian_with_no_hands/
%
Looking at my face is like reading in the car.

It's all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aagkz/looking_at_my_face_is_like_reading_in_the_car/
%
Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aagf7/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?

Because if he chose SpaceY he’d land on 14 year old boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aafef/why_did_elon_musk_choose_spacex_to_land_on_mars/
%
I saw a policeman give a speech on herion the other day....

Couldn't understand a word he was saying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aae5h/i_saw_a_policeman_give_a_speech_on_herion_the/
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Arthur: "That's a nice round table. Who built that?"

Knight: "Sir Cumference"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aae3b/arthur_thats_a_nice_round_table_who_built_that/
%
A chicken walked into a library, he said "bok bok bok"

The librarian gave him three books. The second day, the chicken walked into the library, said "bok bok bok",  the librarian gave him another three books. The third day, same thing happened, the librarian gave him three books but only this time she followed him.
She followed the chicken all the way through the forest and came to a pond. She saw the chicken dropped the books down and beside him there was a frog.
The frog said to the chicken, "reddit reddit reddit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aadq3/a_chicken_walked_into_a_library_he_said_bok_bok/
%
If you sniff coke off of a friend's butt

You're sniffing crack cocaine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aado1/if_you_sniff_coke_off_of_a_friends_butt/
%
Spanish captain was walking on his ship....

Suddenly ,a soldier rushes to him and says, "One enemy ship is approaching us!"
Captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt"
The soldier gets the shirt for the captain.
The enemy ship comes in, heavy rounds of fire are exchanged.
Finally, the Spaniards win.
Soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?"
Captain replies, "If i got injured, then my blood shouldn't be seen, as i didn't want my men to lose hope."
Just then, another soldier,
"Sir, we just spotted another TWENTY enemy ships!"
The captain calmly replies:
"Go bring my yellow pants"
Moral : for success , hope is very important:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aa85v/spanish_captain_was_walking_on_his_ship/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her as an alter boy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aa72f/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Husband: Tell me an interesting fact that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

Wife: Yours is bigger than all your friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aa66i/husband_tell_me_an_interesting_fact_that_will/
%
I was in a fight with frequency the other day

I lost and it still Hertz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aa4mx/i_was_in_a_fight_with_frequency_the_other_day/
%
What's the difference between me and a mosquito?

A mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it ( ͡° ͜ʖ﻿ ͡°).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7aa3hf/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_mosquito/
%
I’m surprised there are not a lot of Jewish tennis players.

After all, Moses served in Pharaoh’s court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a9xm5/im_surprised_there_are_not_a_lot_of_jewish_tennis/
%
One Buddhist asked another Buddhist, "How's life?"

The second Buddhist  answered, "I've had better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a9ucv/one_buddhist_asked_another_buddhist_hows_life/
%
The CIA, Mi6, and KGB all meet for a competition [LONG]

Dropped off on a deserted island each team is tasked with the same mission.  Go into the jungle and catch a rabbit. Fastest time wins.
The CIA team goes first, within 5 minutes they come out with a rabbit squirming around in hand.  As the the other teams seem mildly impressed.
Next, the Mi6 team goes in and within 3 minutes They come out not only with one but 3 rabbits.
Finally the KGB goes in and within 30 seconds you hear this massive scuffle making its way through the jungle guns pointed and yelling and they pull out a massive elephant.  As the elephant desperately yells, "I'm a rabbit, I'm rabbit!!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a9mzm/the_cia_mi6_and_kgb_all_meet_for_a_competition/
%
What does a 9 volt battery and your girlfriends ass have in common?

You know it's wrong but eventually you're going to stick your tongue on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a9muk/what_does_a_9_volt_battery_and_your_girlfriends/
%
A blonde who want to earn some money

, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started advertising a rich neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much is your fee?”
The blonde said, “How about 40 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and staircases that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the dialogue and said to her husband, “Does she understand that the porch goes all the way around the house?
“The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to take her money. “You finished fast!” he said.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a9iqd/a_blonde_who_want_to_earn_some_money/
%
I never realized how technologically advanced Moses was...

But today I learned that he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a9cfu/i_never_realized_how_technologically_advanced/
%
What can be incredibly hot and also incredibly cold at the same time?

My mom...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a9b6c/what_can_be_incredibly_hot_and_also_incredibly/
%
Why are dragons such good story tellers?

Because they have long tails

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a9an7/why_are_dragons_such_good_story_tellers/
%
How do we know it’s Stephen Hawking talking and not just the black box?

There are no ads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a9ag1/how_do_we_know_its_stephen_hawking_talking_and/
%
What's the surest way to turn your partner off during sex?

Close your browser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a97z0/whats_the_surest_way_to_turn_your_partner_off/
%
A young couple is getting ready to have sex for the first time.

The boyfriend asked his girlfriend, "Have you ever ridden a horse?"
She said, "Yes, I have."
Satisfied, he responded with, "So this will be just like riding a horse."
Suddenly, the woman's face looked horrified.
Concerned, the man asked his girlfriend what was wrong.
Tearfully, she responded with, "So it will be bumpy and uncomfortable?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a96cf/a_young_couple_is_getting_ready_to_have_sex_for/
%
A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a96ac/a_plumber_fixes_a_damaged_pipe_in_a_doctors_house/
%
Why do liberals hate apples?

Because they're not PC bro!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a95cw/why_do_liberals_hate_apples/
%
What's the difference between fear, terror, and panic?

- Fear is having an umbrella shoved into your ass
- Terror is when they try to open it
- Panic is having an open umbrella pulled out of your ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a958q/whats_the_difference_between_fear_terror_and_panic/
%
I went to a fortune teller and they said in 30 minutes I would get dirt on my leg...

I guess it's just dusty knee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a93bj/i_went_to_a_fortune_teller_and_they_said_in_30/
%
Why don’t skeletons ever get mad at anyone?

Because they never let anything under their skin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a92vc/why_dont_skeletons_ever_get_mad_at_anyone/
%
Why is Kevin Spacey bad at hide and seek?

He comes out at the wrong time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a91ka/why_is_kevin_spacey_bad_at_hide_and_seek/
%
How do I stop lying about problems my friends have?

Asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a8yjd/how_do_i_stop_lying_about_problems_my_friends_have/
%
What makes an alcoholic and a necrophiliac similar?

Both like to crack open a cold one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a8yi4/what_makes_an_alcoholic_and_a_necrophiliac_similar/
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The Ladder To Success

A man dies and wakes up in heaven. After he walks through the pearly gates, he finds a ladder going to another floor. He climbs up, and finds an ugly looking woman. The woman goes, “fuck me, or climb the ladder to success.” The man, turned off by the woman’s looks, continues up the ladder.
He then finds a decent looking woman. She goes, “fuck me, or climb the ladder to success.” The man continues to climb up the ladder.
On the next floor, he finds the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. She then goes, “fuck me hard, or climb the ladder to success.” The man
resists his instincts and climbs up the ladder again.
He then reaches the top. He finds the nastiest, fattest old man he has ever seen. The old man goes, “Hi, my name is Cess.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a8rz1/the_ladder_to_success/
%
A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt in his hand. He puts the asphalt on the chair next him and says to the bartender:

“One beer for me and one for the road.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a8jb2/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_piece_of_asphalt_in/
%
How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You guys wanna play soccer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a8i0w/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
I was booed off stage and locked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone too many times very poorly

They told me I had too many unsuccessful Loggins attempts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a8h8z/i_was_booed_off_stage_and_locked_out_of_a_karaoke/
%
Why don't black people take free cruises?

They aren't falling for that one again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a89r1/why_dont_black_people_take_free_cruises/
%
The maid went to the wife and asked for a pay rise.

The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Anna, why do you want more pay?”
Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are three reasons why I wanna increase. The first reason is that I clean better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you clean better than me?”
Anna: “Your husband said so.”
Wife: “Really?”
Anna: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Don’t talk nonsense! Who said you were a better cook than me?”
Anna: “Your husband did.”
Wife increasingly angry, “Oh he did, did he?”
Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a8968/the_maid_went_to_the_wife_and_asked_for_a_pay_rise/
%
What did the hot dog say when he won the race?

I am the Weiner......
😂😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a895l/what_did_the_hot_dog_say_when_he_won_the_race/
%
How do you reassure a suicidal person?

You tell them to hang in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a87mw/how_do_you_reassure_a_suicidal_person/
%
A joke about the different branches of the US military.

“What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”
A sailor says, “I’d step on it”
A soldier says “ I’d report it to my CO”
A marine says “I’d catch it, cut off it’s tail and eat it!”
An airman responds “I’d pick up the phone and call room service and ask why’s there a fucking tent in my room”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a86e3/a_joke_about_the_different_branches_of_the_us/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, it's not gonna come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7zfh/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Why did Apple's new plane crash?

Because it didn't have windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7xxp/why_did_apples_new_plane_crash/
%
Kevin Spacey while writing his apology: "I could own up to the mistakes I've made...

...butt fuck it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7xav/kevin_spacey_while_writing_his_apology_i_could/
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What do the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for klingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7w5g/what_do_the_uss_enterprise_and_toilet_paper_have/
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There once was a man who really loved Tractors

. He collected them, he drove them around town, he went to tractor shows, he loved anything to do with tractors. One day, at a tractor show, he got hit by a tractor and was severely injured. After months in hospital and rehab, he finally got his life back on track, but he hated tractors, he didn't want anything to do with tractors any more.
One day he was walking past a burning house with people trapped inside. There was so much smoke that the fire fighters couldn't get in. So the man walked up to the house and with a huge breath, sucked all the smoke out, long enough for the fire fighters to enter and save the people. Afterwards, a fireman said to the man "that was amazing! How did you do it?" the man replied "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7ryi/there_once_was_a_man_who_really_loved_tractors/
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Why did the dog sit in the shade?

It didn't want to be a hot dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7p5m/why_did_the_dog_sit_in_the_shade/
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A husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years

Hitman:  I will shoot her just below her left breast.
Husband: How is shooting her in the knee going to kill her?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7oo2/a_husband_hires_a_hitman_to_kill_his_wife_of_40/
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What did the man at the beach say to Kevin Spacey?

Hey, get out of my son!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7m10/what_did_the_man_at_the_beach_say_to_kevin_spacey/
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I'm an agnostic dyslexic insomniac

I lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7jf6/im_an_agnostic_dyslexic_insomniac/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all die and are supposed to go to heaven

However, they have all sinned in their lives, so they are kept at the base of the 100 step stairway-to-heaven.
God comes to them and says
"All of you have commited sins that cannot be forgiven, so you must face a trial if you wish to enter heaven. Every step you take on this stairway, I will tell you one joke. If you laugh once, I will send you to Hell"
They agree, and begin the trial.
The brunette goes first. She manages to stifle her laughs until the fourth step, until she loses it, so God sends her to Hell.
The redhead goes after. She can't even make it through one joke without laughing, so God, disappointingly, sends her to Hell.
Finally, the blonde goes. Somehow, she doesn't laugh at all at the jokes, managing to take every step easily. However, when she reaches the very last step, before God even says his last joke, she begins laughing hysterically. God waits for her to calm down before asking why she was laughing, and she responds:
"Sorry, I just got your first joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7iw8/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_all_die_and_are/
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Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races?

Because he likes to come in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7hli/why_does_kevin_spacey_never_get_1st_place_in_races/
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I like my men like I like my coffee

Tied up on the back of a donkey, led by a Columbian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7fbl/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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I saw a clown drinking an alcoholic drink while doing death defying stunts.

I told him, "That's whiskey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7ekc/i_saw_a_clown_drinking_an_alcoholic_drink_while/
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If you've had sex with less than 536 people, then having sex with you is a more exclusive club than going into space.

I though I'd post something my ex-girlfriend could feel good about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7d14/if_youve_had_sex_with_less_than_536_people_then/
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Always carry some fiber cable with you when hiking

If you get lost, just bury it in the ground. A backhoe will be along shortly to cut the cable, and you can ask for directions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a7by2/always_carry_some_fiber_cable_with_you_when_hiking/
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As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it...

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that poop in your hand?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a754g/as_i_was_riding_the_train_in_to_work_this_morning/
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Why did the duck cross the road?

To get to it's quack dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a74d4/why_did_the_duck_cross_the_road/
%
An Air Force pilot, a Naval Officer and an Army Private all go to the bathroom

When they come out, the Air Force pilot begins thoroughly washing his hands and says,
'In the Air Force they taught us the importance of good hygiene.'
The Naval officer then begins washing his hands using only a small trickle of water and says,
'In the Navy they taught us the importance of good hygiene AND water conservation.'
The army private walks straight out without stopping and says,
'In the Army they taught us to not piss on our hands.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a6tj7/an_air_force_pilot_a_naval_officer_and_an_army/
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A rock walks into a bar

and orders a whiskey. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve rocks here.
"Neat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a6ti1/a_rock_walks_into_a_bar/
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My doctor called me fat.

I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said:
“OK, you’re ugly too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a6sqg/my_doctor_called_me_fat/
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We all know Albert Einstein was a genius...

Did you know his brother Frank was a monster?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a6qcv/we_all_know_albert_einstein_was_a_genius/
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Did you know milk is the fastest liquid?

It's pasteurized before you know it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a6kcl/did_you_know_milk_is_the_fastest_liquid/
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A man goes to a restaurant..

A man goes to a restaurant and is ready to order
' So what would you have, sir?'
Yes, I would like to order lasagna please
'Sir.. this is a Chinese restaurant..'
Oh I'm so sorry! I would rike to order the rasagna prease!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a6gn2/a_man_goes_to_a_restaurant/
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Two pilots with dark eyeglasses and canes walk into a plane

Everyone starts to comment on it. And a guy asks the flight attendant:
-Excuse me, but it looks that both the pilot and the co-pilot are blind, is this a joke? How are they able to pilot?
To which she answered
-I’m sorry sir, but they are the best and most experienced duo in this Airline and we never had a single problem with them
Then the guy felt a bit relieved but was still nervous and so were the rest of the passengers
The plane started and went to the runway. The plane started to take speed and it was taking very long to take off. All the passengers started to get very nervous, and the plane kept getting speed and wasn’t taking off, when the plane was almost crashing into the end of the runway everyone panicked and started to scream completely desperate and then the plane finally took off on the last second...
Everyone breathed in relief and felt guilty for doubting the experienced pilot
After the plane was flying the co-pilot said to the pilot:
-The day that those passengers don’t scream, we are totally fucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a68lh/two_pilots_with_dark_eyeglasses_and_canes_walk/
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What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

A new surname.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a66p4/what_does_a_polish_bride_get_on_her_wedding_night/
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A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a628h/a_pregnant_woman_hobbles_into_the_hospital_with/
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People that never make cheesy Jokes...

are grate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a5z5b/people_that_never_make_cheesy_jokes/
%
So yesterday I wore a costume....

I am a male and I wore a see through shirt and pants. I completed my ensemble with a stuffed bra, long haired wig and lipstick. I pushed a baby doll around all night in a stroller holding the baby bottle....
I was a transparent transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a5yer/so_yesterday_i_wore_a_costume/
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3 guys are sleeping in a bed

the next morning the one sleeping on the right side of the bed said "I had this awsome dream that i was getting a handjob." The guy sleeping on the left side said "Really? I had a dream i was getting a handjob too." The guy that was sleeping in the middle said "idk about you guys, but i had a dream i was skiing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a5wxe/3_guys_are_sleeping_in_a_bed/
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{NSFW} Your mom is such a slut..

...that when she gave birth to you, she slid you in and out a couple times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a5vkd/nsfw_your_mom_is_such_a_slut/
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Is your last name Ghandi?

Because you're Mah Hot Ma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a5r3s/is_your_last_name_ghandi/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar

and orders a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and then becomes aware he is actually dreaming. He wakes up from his dream and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he had. His wife just ignores him, the man rolls over and begins to sob because he realizes his marriage is in shambles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a5qbn/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To search for a place where people don't question its motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a5pjj/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Condoms don't guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was shot dead by the woman's husband!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a5o4i/condoms_dont_guarantee_safe_sex_any_more/
%
Why did the Indian programmer divide by zero?

To get NaN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a5kjr/why_did_the_indian_programmer_divide_by_zero/
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What do you call it when a chicken stares at a lettuce?

Chicken Cesar salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a5kf4/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_chicken_stares_at_a/
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If you're hotter than me...

Then I guess that makes me cooler than you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a5k8d/if_youre_hotter_than_me/
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Does anybody want to hang out and form a bond over our shared interests?

I'm asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a5g47/does_anybody_want_to_hang_out_and_form_a_bond/
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What do you call a duck that has sex for money?

A quack whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a5fa5/what_do_you_call_a_duck_that_has_sex_for_money/
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I told my Mom that when I grow up I want to become an Optician.

She told me I could never do that so I responded "you'll see".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a5bcv/i_told_my_mom_that_when_i_grow_up_i_want_to/
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What was Jenny’s password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a599d/what_was_jennys_password/
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What do you get if you cross a penis, a potato and a boat?

Dicktatership

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a58yo/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_penis_a_potato_and/
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I got thrashed for RSVP'ing a wedding invite,

Apparently "maybe next time" wasn't a good reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a547a/i_got_thrashed_for_rsvping_a_wedding_invite/
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What's the difference between a dead body and a porn star?

A dead body decomposes and a porn star post cum poses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a53dn/whats_the_difference_between_a_dead_body_and_a/
%
String Fight

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a4oa8/string_fight/
%
What did Trump do with the broken cheese grater?

He made it grate again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a4mdq/what_did_trump_do_with_the_broken_cheese_grater/
%
A boy sees his grandpa sipping whiskey on the porch and asks, “can have some?”

The grandpa says, “does your dick touch your asshole?” The boy says, “no”. Grandpa says, “then no, you can’t have any.” Later that day the boy sees his grandpa smoking a cigar. He asks, “hey can I try your cigar?” Grandpa again asks, “does your dick touch your asshole?” The boy says “no” and his grandpa responds, “then no, you can’t have any.” The next morning the grandpa comes into the kitchen and sees the boy eating cookies. He asks his grandson for a cookie and the boy asks, “does your dick touch your asshole?” The grandpa replies, “yes,” and without missing a beat the boy says, “then go fuck yourself, grandma made these for me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a4juv/a_boy_sees_his_grandpa_sipping_whiskey_on_the/
%
Your fingers are your greatest friends...

because you can always count on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a4hym/your_fingers_are_your_greatest_friends/
%
As a young man, I used to love my birthday parties

, but now anytime my birthday candles are lit state law requires that a fire extinguisher be present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a4gto/as_a_young_man_i_used_to_love_my_birthday_parties/
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What Did EA Say to Ubisoft?

[You'll have to pay $4.99 for the rest of the joke]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a4gsh/what_did_ea_say_to_ubisoft/
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I know I'm not supposed to judge people by race...

But I fucking hate marathon runners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a4ead/i_know_im_not_supposed_to_judge_people_by_race/
%
Archaeologists have recently found a mummy while excavating a tomb in Egypt

Oddly enough, the mummy was covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Rosher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a4c0i/archaeologists_have_recently_found_a_mummy_while/
%
Why do you never play UNO with a Mexican?

They always take the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a4880/why_do_you_never_play_uno_with_a_mexican/
%
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

Because she heard the drinks were on the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a47o4/why_did_the_blonde_bring_a_ladder_to_the_bar/
%
One soldier.

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a47d0/one_soldier/
%
What is it called when a History major doesn't get laid?

The non-intercourse act

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a47ag/what_is_it_called_when_a_history_major_doesnt_get/
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The Priest and his ERECTION!!!

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a460w/the_priest_and_his_erection/
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What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a43uh/what_makes_hitler_better_than_jesus/
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What is a procrastinator's favorite thing to do?

Oh wait, I'll tell you later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a41zx/what_is_a_procrastinators_favorite_thing_to_do/
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Slapping Old People

An old man and old woman are sitting on their front porch on a bench one day just enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden the old woman looks at her husband and slaps him across his face. He looks and her and says "What was that for?" She said "That is for 40 years of horrible sex!" He is quiet as he absorbs this newly discovered information. Quietly the old man reaches over and slaps his wife across her face. She says "What was that for?" He said "For knowing the difference!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a41i3/slapping_old_people/
%
Why is Kim Jong-Un such a good gardener?

Cause he's the supreme weeder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a3zso/why_is_kim_jongun_such_a_good_gardener/
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I can’t believe people’s Halloween decorations are still up...

Halloween is 364 days away, guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a3ukw/i_cant_believe_peoples_halloween_decorations_are/
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Mary Had A Little Sheep

Marry Had A Little Sheep.
And With The Sheep, She Went To Sleep.
The Sheep Turned Out To Be A Ram.
Mary Had A Little Lamb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a3tt2/mary_had_a_little_sheep/
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A guy starts his first day at a bakery...

The boss says, "We're a healthy, whole-food bakery, so we put vegetables in every type of bread that we make." He shows the new guy to the back room, where there are rows of file cabinets with pictures of vegetables on them.
"Here's where we keep the carrot dough," the boss says, opening a file drawer with a picture of a carrot on it. "And here's the zucchini dough."
"But what's this one with the picture of Kevin Spacey on it?" The new guy asks.
"Oh," the boss responds, "That's the pea dough file."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a3to6/a_guy_starts_his_first_day_at_a_bakery/
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A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
“What’s wrong?” the father asked.
“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.
Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. “Why are you so happy?” he asked.
The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a3q5j/a_child_psychologist_had_twin_boysone_was_an/
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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the  politicians , and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...
The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a3n0l/a_driver_was_stuck_in_a_traffic_jam_on_the_road/
%
Why did Kevin Spacey go to space?

To molest young stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a3kyd/why_did_kevin_spacey_go_to_space/
%
I like how Japan censors pornography.

It allows me to watch it with my kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a3g6q/i_like_how_japan_censors_pornography/
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Kevin Spacey walks into a bar

But after realizing the drinking age is 21 decides that he'd rather hang out somewhere else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a3dkw/kevin_spacey_walks_into_a_bar/
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Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when it's not their own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a3c5s/success_is_like_a_fart/
%
An old political joke from Imperial Russia (reign of Nicholas II)

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of lese majeste (insulting the monarch). He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!". The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Czar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a3bde/an_old_political_joke_from_imperial_russia_reign/
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A large Indian family walks into a restaurant

It was a party of Sikhs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a37ak/a_large_indian_family_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer...

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "I would like to ask a few questions", said the client.   "Of course", the lawyer replied, "But I have to charge you $200 to answer 2 questions" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" said the suprised client. "Yes it certainly is", said the lawyer, "And what's your second question?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a3658/a_new_client_had_just_come_in_to_see_a_famous/
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A blond woman goes to the hospital...

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the stickers off the bananas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a35p1/a_blond_woman_goes_to_the_hospital/
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A math professor didn't get enough sleep...

The next day he couldn't f(x).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a34le/a_math_professor_didnt_get_enough_sleep/
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"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives!" smiled my wife as we flew on our dream vacation to Hawaii...

"You seem pretty sure of yourself." I replied.
"I am!" she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a3427/were_going_to_be_together_for_the_rest_of_our/
%
Yo mama so ugly...

Her blowjob counts as anal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a2x1e/yo_mama_so_ugly/
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I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

Seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a2uj3/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_to/
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If tea derived from marijuana becomes popular, eventually employees would require...

Pot Tea Training.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a2ok1/if_tea_derived_from_marijuana_becomes_popular/
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A soldier walks into a bar.

A man in the bar strikes up a conversation with the soldier.
"So sorry if I'm being rude, but how'd you lose your leg?"
"Explosion in the war. I miss my friends too much here and I want to go back. They won't let me with my injuries though."
"They still stationed in Afghanistan?"
"No, they're dead"
"My condolences. Have a beer on me."
"That's very kind of you sir but I'm not old enough to drink"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a2oc0/a_soldier_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife says I’m addicted to auctions, but she’s wrong...

I stopped after going once…going twice…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a2nfk/my_wife_says_im_addicted_to_auctions_but_shes/
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Got fired from my job yesterday for being a pervert...

I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a2kup/got_fired_from_my_job_yesterday_for_being_a/
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What’s a sexually confused weebs favourite sport?

Soccer...
Or as they call it in Japan... Futaball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a2iep/whats_a_sexually_confused_weebs_favourite_sport/
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A blonde stands on the bank of a river

There is no bridge in sight. She sees another blonde across the river and shouts:
How do I get to the other side of the river?!
The other blonde shouts back:
Why? You already are on the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a2fhg/a_blonde_stands_on_the_bank_of_a_river/
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How are you all holding up? It's crazy out there!

I've killed at least fifteen zombies so far!
- Why the fuck are they all carrying candy?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a2e1b/how_are_you_all_holding_up_its_crazy_out_there/
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Why did the banana go to the doctors?

Because he wasn't peeling well!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a2d6z/why_did_the_banana_go_to_the_doctors/
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I like my women like I like my coffee.

Hot, covered in cream, and purchased from a large multinational corporation with a history of exploitation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a2c1a/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Request - can someone explain this joke?

> In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a2b77/request_can_someone_explain_this_joke/
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Planning on wearing a slutty costume for Halloween?

Dress up as my professors, they barely cover anything important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a282u/planning_on_wearing_a_slutty_costume_for_halloween/
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Do all Fairy Tales begin with ''Once Upon a Time''?

No........
The Best begin with ''If Am Elected''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a25ds/do_all_fairy_tales_begin_with_once_upon_a_time/
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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a252t/a_jew_and_an_arab_go_into_a_bakery_the_arab/
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Win some beer...

So a guy came into a bar and saw these small stripes at the very end of the table. He asked the bartender what for they were used.
The bartender replied "the men that just left measured their d!cks, the one with the longest got a free beer."
The guy said he could do better, so he went to the side with the stripes, put his d!ck on the table and screamed "I won, free beer for me!"
On what the bartender replied: "They were playing from the other side of the table."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a23mq/win_some_beer/
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It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a1zs8/it_may_be_illegal_to_steal_kitchen_utensils_but/
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I saw a girl on the street that looked really depressed

So I pressed her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a1zck/i_saw_a_girl_on_the_street_that_looked_really/
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A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.

They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room.
It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a1z66/a_lawyer_and_the_pope_died_at_the_same_time_both/
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I wrote a program that figures out if soup is made from scratch or from a cube

It returns a bouillon Boolean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a1y4d/i_wrote_a_program_that_figures_out_if_soup_is/
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your fucking mouth shut helps?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a1v9u/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_beaten_black_and_blue/
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Trouble with the car

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor"
Husband: Water in the carburetor? Thats ridiculous.
Wife:I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.
Husband: You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
Wife: in the pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a1odu/trouble_with_the_car/
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Why are assassins so good at dates?

Because they know how to take someone out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a1fsy/why_are_assassins_so_good_at_dates/
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A Muslim dies and goes to heaven.

He is about to climb up the white clouded stairs and stops in front of a golden gate. There is a bearded man waiting for him. The Muslim asks:
"Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I'm St. Peter. Mohammed is higher up"
The Muslim is very happy to hear that Mohammed is more important than Saint Peter and is higher up. He climbs another flight of stairs .Tired, he stops in front of another large gate. He finds a young man with curly blond hairs and asks:
"Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I'm Michael, Mohammed is higher up"
The Muslim is in ecstasy learning that Mohammed is more important than angels. He climbs an even longer flight of stairs. Exhausted, he reaches another gate, even bigger. He is met by a bearded man and asks him:
"Are you Mohammed?"
"No. I am Jesus. Mohammed is further up"
The Muslim is ecstatic and explodes with happiness learning that Mohammed is even more important than Jesus and that his religion is indeed the best of them all. He cannot wait to meet Mohammed. He quickly climbs further up. Panting, breathless, exhausted, he arrives at a huge white gate. Waiting for him is very old man with a long white beard. The Muslim asks with the little breath he has left:
"Are you Mohammed?"
"No. I'm God, but I see you're tired, come in, seat down, rest for a moment. Do you want some water, a coffee perhaps?
And the Muslim says: "Yes, a coffee ... I would be very grateful"
So God turns around, raises his hand, whistles, and says. "Mohammed, two coffees"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a1by6/a_muslim_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Smart Blond Joke

A very wealthy blond woman enters a bank in Manhattan and requests to take out a small loan, which she intends to pay off in two weeks.
She foregoes some of the paperwork for financials, instead offering her brand new Bentley as collateral.
The bank manager approves the loan, takes possession of the car and in two weeks, the blond returns, pays the very small loan off which incurred almost no interest.
He’s perplexed and also had learned that she had accounts with the bank with a small fortune so he asked why she took out the loan.
She replied “well I went on vacation and needed a safe, free place to park the Bentley for two weeks.  Where else in NYC can you do that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a1b04/smart_blond_joke/
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Man with a penny, a man with a pole, and a man with a hand grenade

An old joke my cousin told me when we were kids.
A man with a penny gets on an airplane. Once in the air, he drops his penny out of the plane. Later, he goes walking and he sees a little boy crying.
"Little boy, why are you crying?"
"A penny fell from the sky and hit me on the head!"
The next day, a man with a pole gets on an airplane and drops his pole. Later, he goes walking and sees a little boy crying.
"Little boy, why are you crying?"
"A pole fell from the sky and hit me on the head!"
The next day, a man with a hand grenade gets on an airplane and drops it. Later, he goes walking and sees a little boy laughing.
"Little boy, why are you laughing?"
"Granny farted and house blew up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a1a4n/man_with_a_penny_a_man_with_a_pole_and_a_man_with/
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My doctor said I have 2 weeks to live...

So I shot him. Problem solved, the judge gave me 20 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a1935/my_doctor_said_i_have_2_weeks_to_live/
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An Annoying Customer

There was a guy who for a living sells coffee and there is this one particular customer who always likes to humiliate him. He did this by ordering a $2.50 coffee with 10 cent coins and in doing so he throws the coins all over the counter, leaving the poor seller to pick up all the coins.
But on this one occassion this customer only had a $5 note and so reluctantly used it to purchase the coffee. The seller after serving him was about to give his 2.50 change realized that this was his opportunity to get revenge.
He quickly counted all his 10 cents up until it summed up to 2.50 and then with a grin he threw all the coins on the counter shouting: "Heres your change!"
The customer looked at the change and said: "Actually, I will get another cup as well"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a18ly/an_annoying_customer/
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Why do Jehovah's Witnesses hate Halloween?

They have to compete with other strangers going door-to-door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a16im/why_do_jehovahs_witnesses_hate_halloween/
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A horse walks into a bar and says: 'On a right triangle with sides X, Y, and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?'

The bartender says Y, the long face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a12p8/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_on_a_right/
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Why is there no trust among ghosts?

They can see right through each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a125e/why_is_there_no_trust_among_ghosts/
%
Two IT pros are being held on charges for murder

The local hospital's life support machine was acting up, so they turned it off and back on again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a0z1k/two_it_pros_are_being_held_on_charges_for_murder/
%
Why are babies so reliable?

Because you can trust 'em about as far as you can throw 'em

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a0u8h/why_are_babies_so_reliable/
%
An old lady, after a long life of loss and agony, was going to commit suicide by shooting herself in the heart with a crossbow. She researched human anatomy and learned her heart was just under her left breast.....

She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a0tlu/an_old_lady_after_a_long_life_of_loss_and_agony/
%
Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a0p22/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
%
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.    Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.    Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a0nlf/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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What do you get when you cross a ghost with a swarm of honeybees?

BOO-BEES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a0k7v/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_ghost_with_a/
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So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a0g3t/so_john_kelly_claims_that_the_lack_of_an_ability/
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Gold and Silver walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Ey you, get outta here!"
So Gold left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a0fce/gold_and_silver_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs. Hawking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a0epu/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_pleasures_herself/
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What do you call Bumble Bee when he's drunk?

Stumble Bee.
Be kind please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a0d8x/what_do_you_call_bumble_bee_when_hes_drunk/
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What did Optimus Prime become when he lost to the Decepticons?

Pessimus Prime.
I'll show myself out. Sorry for the dad joke. I recently became a dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a0cbl/what_did_optimus_prime_become_when_he_lost_to_the/
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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a0bnd/i_walked_in_the_bedroom_to_find_my_wife_dead_in/
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I was watching my wife try on costumes; I said, you know what you looked best in?

1996

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a08p0/i_was_watching_my_wife_try_on_costumes_i_said_you/
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I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos

But it's hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a0530/im_trying_to_give_up_sexual_innuendos/
%
A blonde gets pulled over for speeding.

Cop: "You were speeding, can I see your license?"
Blonde: "Of course not!"
Cop: "Why is that?"
Blonde: "You just took it away from me yesterday, and now you expect me to show it to you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a024j/a_blonde_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a01f4/why_is_everyone_obsessed_with_that_new_horror/
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What happened when the king farted?

Nothing, noble gases don't cause reactions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7a015w/what_happened_when_the_king_farted/
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What is a Mexican's favorite novel?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79zuz0/what_is_a_mexicans_favorite_novel/
%
A guy in a plane stood up and shouted "HIJACK"

All of the passengers were scared. Then from the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back "HIJOHN"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79zpww/a_guy_in_a_plane_stood_up_and_shouted_hijack/
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I couldn't accept that I was both gay and dyslexic

I was in Daniel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79zkaj/i_couldnt_accept_that_i_was_both_gay_and_dyslexic/
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Two Statistics majors walk into a bar

What're the chances!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79zk3j/two_statistics_majors_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I drove past an accident involving an ice cream truck.

It must have been pretty bad because I heard one of the paramedics say that it looks like they lost a few pints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79zhlt/i_drove_past_an_accident_involving_an_ice_cream/
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For Halloween, I'm dressing up as a

nudist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79zfdm/for_halloween_im_dressing_up_as_a/
%
A time-stretched sinusoid walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "Why the long phase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79zerw/a_timestretched_sinusoid_walks_into_a_bar/
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What does a dinosaur say when he hurts himself?

Dino sore.
Please forgive me for the dad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ze2s/what_does_a_dinosaur_say_when_he_hurts_himself/
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A Blonde is driving through rural farm country and sees another blond rowing a boat in the middle of a cornfield...

She pulls to the side of the road and yells "Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?"
The blonde in the boat stops rowing and stands up. "What does it look like I'm doing, I'm going to work!"
Puzzled the blonde in the car gets out and walks to the side of the road and yells, "You know, it's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79zcsg/a_blonde_is_driving_through_rural_farm_country/
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After years of saving, I finally have a comma in my bank account!

$ -1,250

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79z95q/after_years_of_saving_i_finally_have_a_comma_in/
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What do you call a zoo of living skeletons?

Thoracic Park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79z7fz/what_do_you_call_a_zoo_of_living_skeletons/
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The doctor said that my friend had 5 months to live

I worked hard with him and proved the doctor wrong. My friend died in 3 days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79z3r6/the_doctor_said_that_my_friend_had_5_months_to/
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Two blondes solving a crossword

Two blondes are spending some time together, the one is watching TV while the other struggles with one particular crossword question for some time now...
After a while she decides to ask her friend for help..
- Do you know the answer to the clue "Female sex organ"?
-- Hmmmm. Horizontally or vertically?
-  Horizontally
-- Oh yes!  "Mouth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79z3j3/two_blondes_solving_a_crossword/
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What's grosser than gross?

Having a dream you're eating chocolate pudding and waking up with a spoon in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79z2bd/whats_grosser_than_gross/
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A man goes to a bar

He sits down at the closest empty spot with the longest face you can imagine. The bartender asks him what's up while giving him his beer. He says with the saddest voice: "me and my wife had a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". Understanding his struggles the bartender says he must really love his wife and miss her. "No" he says, "today is the last day".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79z1eh/a_man_goes_to_a_bar/
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I ain’t afraid of no ghost..

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79z0gu/i_aint_afraid_of_no_ghost/
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79yxmz/what_do_you_get_if_you_divide_the_circumference/
%
One day, a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him.

The Madam asks "Can I help you, son?" to which he replies, "Yes. I'd like a girl for the night."
She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200. To which she says "She'll be waiting for you upstairs."
The boy says "But she's got to have herpes."
The Madam replies "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200. The Madam says "OK, she'll be ready for you in about 10 minutes."
So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. About half an hour later he comes down the stairs, with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him, "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes?".
"Well, it's like this:" he says, "When I get home tonight I'll screw the baby-sitter and then she'll get herpes. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get herpes. Later when dad gets home, he and mum will make love and then she'll get herpes. And at about 9:30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, screw my mother and then he'll get herpes...
...AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ytms/one_day_a_twelve_year_old_boy_walks_into_a/
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Pot1o

Pot2o
Pot3o
Pot4o
Pot5o
Pot6o
Pot7o
Potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ypzi/pot1o/
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I came up with the best Halloween costume!

A disapointment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79yokp/i_came_up_with_the_best_halloween_costume/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...

They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.
Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes “woof!” The policeman says, “Oh, it’s just a bag of dogs,” and walks on.
They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes “meow!” The policeman says, “Oh, it’s just a bag of cats,” and walks on.
They poke the bag with the blonde and the blonde goes “Potato. Potato.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79yni0/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_running/
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Girl, are you a popsicle?

'Cause you're cold as fuck and you act like you have a stick up your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ymnw/girl_are_you_a_popsicle/
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A neutron walks into a bar

He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79yjfq/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do you date a building?

Slip it a roofie and sneak in the back door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79yj1e/how_do_you_date_a_building/
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Two chemists go into a bar

The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."
The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79yj0h/two_chemists_go_into_a_bar/
%
My friend and I were a donkey for Halloween...

We just half-assed our costumes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79yihi/my_friend_and_i_were_a_donkey_for_halloween/
%
I told my girlfriend to come with me to the gym. Then I stood her up.

Hopefully, she’ll realize the two of us are not going to work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79yhz2/i_told_my_girlfriend_to_come_with_me_to_the_gym/
%
Talking frog

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'. The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ygpi/talking_frog/
%
A blonde gives the final push while giving birth in a hospital.

The doctor tells her the gender and is about to lay the baby in her arms. The blonde says, “Can you please do a DNA test before I get too attached? My boyfriend’s been cheating and I want to make sure it’s mine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ygg1/a_blonde_gives_the_final_push_while_giving_birth/
%
An elderly woman wants to join her husband of 60 years after he died two weeks ago.

She finds his old revolver, and calls the doctor. The doctor, having been the family practitioner for nearly their whole marriage, knows the woman is ready to go. So when she asks him how to end it all quickly with as little pain as possible, he tells her “one bullet, straight to the heart, directly under your left breast.” The elderly woman thanks him, they say their goodbyes, and hang up.
A few hours later the woman was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ygec/an_elderly_woman_wants_to_join_her_husband_of_60/
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Two things I learned today: 1) My dick isn’t as long as a footlong sub.

2) I’m banned from Quiznos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79yg35/two_things_i_learned_today_1_my_dick_isnt_as_long/
%
A father tells his son

Dad:
Son, if you don't quit masturbating so much, you're gonna go blind.
Son:
I'm over here dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79y9i3/a_father_tells_his_son/
%
I asked an atheist to solve an exponential equation, he couldn't.

He doesn't believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79y2ff/i_asked_an_atheist_to_solve_an_exponential/
%
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car

and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.
"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.
Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling.
"MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH
DRIVER!" he exclaimed.
"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked.
"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79y0gd/one_day_there_was_this_lawyer_who_had_just_bought/
%
Helen Keller walks into a bar,

then a table, and some chairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79xyrm/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My doctor told me I have to stop masturbating.

Perplexed, I asked him why.
He responds - "Well, because I'm trying to give you a physical."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79xwp2/my_doctor_told_me_i_have_to_stop_masturbating/
%
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79xsg4/what_is_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
What did the Russians receive when they lost the space race?

A constellation prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79xqw3/what_did_the_russians_receive_when_they_lost_the/
%
If octopuses have twins.

Does that make them "i-tentical"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79xms0/if_octopuses_have_twins/
%
Imagine being naked and walking into a room and everyone wants to touch you.

That's the life of a dog or cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79xlr1/imagine_being_naked_and_walking_into_a_room_and/
%
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man.
He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79xk7a/an_elderly_couple_had_been_experiencing_declining/
%
What do Chinese men do when they have an erection?

They go voting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79xjz6/what_do_chinese_men_do_when_they_have_an_erection/
%
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler?

Phelps can end a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79xje7/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
%
What does "LSD" stand for again?

It's on the tip of my tongue....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79x7kq/what_does_lsd_stand_for_again/
%
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man

So I stuck it in her ass and said "yeah, you like that Steve?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79x4f5/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_fuck_her_like_a_man/
%
What happens every time Gene Simmons gets in a fight with his band mates?

They Kiss and makeup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79x1zz/what_happens_every_time_gene_simmons_gets_in_a/
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What’s the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79wza2/whats_the_worst_thing_about_locking_your_keys_in/
%
What did Stephen Hawking say after his computer crashed ?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79wxfl/what_did_stephen_hawking_say_after_his_computer/
%
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and all things that in them are: (Long)

Then he eventually created Adam, who was having a lot of fun in the garden, walking around naked, eating fruit from various trees, and hanging out with/naming all of the animals.
But one day, Adam began to feel lonely and decided to talk to God about it. In that discussion, Adam expressed that he didn't really have anyone to talk with or connect to on an emotional and physical level and that, somehow, he was incomplete.
God then told Adam about this wonderful creation he had in the works called a woman. In that discussion, he described this woman as being a helpmeet, a lover, a friend, a confidant, and a lifetime companion. God said that she would support him in all of his righteous endeavors, raise children for him, be a homemaker, and even make sure dinner was on the table every night when he got back from work.
Adam told God that this sounded like the perfect remedy to his ailment and asked God if there was anything he could do to help get things moving along? God said that he would take care of everything, but that he needed an arm and a leg from Adam before he could proceed.
Shocked, Adam asked for some alone time to contemplate such a sacrifice for his own emotional and physical needs. After several hours, he got up, reconvened with God and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79wxbw/in_the_beginning_god_created_the_heavens_and_the/
%
What do the female reindeer do when they want some fun?

They go into town and blow a few bucks...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79wx3t/what_do_the_female_reindeer_do_when_they_want/
%
This Halloween I'm going as a slutty accountant

You know, it's the thot that counts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ww7f/this_halloween_im_going_as_a_slutty_accountant/
%
I auditioned for a musical about the periodic table

I got the lead role!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79wsqm/i_auditioned_for_a_musical_about_the_periodic/
%
What kind of escorts does a snowman hire?

Frostitutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79wnjh/what_kind_of_escorts_does_a_snowman_hire/
%
Why don't ghosts go out in the rain?

It dampens their spirits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79wcj4/why_dont_ghosts_go_out_in_the_rain/
%
My Dog named Kobe just died :(

The first Kobe I know who passed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79w9u1/my_dog_named_kobe_just_died/
%
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79w3ot/80000_blondes_meet_in_a_football_stadium_for_a/
%
I was thinking about getting rid of my schizophrenia...

...but now I'm having second thoughts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79w0et/i_was_thinking_about_getting_rid_of_my/
%
I signed up for a gym membership this year.

So far I've managed to lose £200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79vzj2/i_signed_up_for_a_gym_membership_this_year/
%
I think I'm shrinking!

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79vusj/i_think_im_shrinking/
%
I'm going to the Halloween party at my office today as President Hillary Clinton

I'm not going to show up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79vu4y/im_going_to_the_halloween_party_at_my_office/
%
Why don't witches wear panties?

Because their broom sticks better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79vu3s/why_dont_witches_wear_panties/
%
Hate when people ask me where I see my self in 3 years time.

I dont have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79vqgx/hate_when_people_ask_me_where_i_see_my_self_in_3/
%
Why didn’t they serve ghosts alcohol during the prohibition?

Because they didn’t have any spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79vpll/why_didnt_they_serve_ghosts_alcohol_during_the/
%
Did you know that women on average only get paid 73 cents to ever dollar a man makes?

That’s not fair, it only leaves the man with 27 cents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79vobn/did_you_know_that_women_on_average_only_get_paid/
%
$7 SEX!!!

A Florida couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? '
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. '
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house..
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139..
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79vo9o/7_sex/
%
Why parents go INSANE!!!

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again, the small voice whispered "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss. "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed and concerned the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied--"ME."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79vln4/why_parents_go_insane/
%
Two blokes were on a plane one day...

... and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. 'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'. 'Yeah no worries', the other one responded. 'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but notice the girl at the check in had massive tits, so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburg I accidentally asked for two pickets to titsburg and she hit me!.. Can I ask how you got yours?'.. 'yeah no worries, it's actually quiet a similar story to yours' the other guys says.. 'I was at home this morning about to eat breakfast with the Mrs and kids and instead of asking me mrs "hey can you please pass me the frosty's cereal", I accidentally said "you've ruined me life you evil cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79vk6b/two_blokes_were_on_a_plane_one_day/
%
Today's the day where I get to eat lots and lots of chocolate.

Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79vi79/todays_the_day_where_i_get_to_eat_lots_and_lots/
%
A 15 year-old wants to go to a party.

"Will you drink any alcohol?" Asks his dad.
"No, dad."
"Will you use any drugs?"
"No, dad"
"Will you have sex?"
"No, dad"
"Then why would you even go?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79vc6h/a_15_yearold_wants_to_go_to_a_party/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish...

I’m feeling cannelloni right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79vb4z/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_of_my/
%
A very beautiful women was depressed and wanted to kill herself

She goes to the overpass of a local highway to jump down 100 feet into a ravine. Before she could climb up the barrier, a disgusting and repulsive homeless man comes up and asks, "Hey what are you doing?!" The beautiful woman replied, "I am going to kill myself. This life isn't worth living anymore." The homeless man is very shocked at why she would do this and he decides he needs to help. The concerned hobo asks "well, ma'am, if you're going die anyways how about a quickie?" Disgusted, the woman lashes back "With you? You are gross. No way!" The seemingly unphased derelict shrugs his shoulders and replies "ok I'll see you at the bottom" and walks away.
That homeless man saved that woman's life that day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79vb0e/a_very_beautiful_women_was_depressed_and_wanted/
%
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night . . .

So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year, '
said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week
and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit, ' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it, ' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why
didn't you come to see me about those fears you were
having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a
year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and
bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said,
'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody
under there now!!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79v65y/ever_since_i_was_a_child_ive_always_had_a_fear_of/
%
A joke for Halloween

A group of tourist is visiting the remnants of an ancient castle. One lady sais to their guide:
-I'm afraid. I think there might be ghosts here!
-Don't worry. I'm living here for 300 years but I've never seen any ghosts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79v448/a_joke_for_halloween/
%
I love jokes about elevators.

Because they work on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79v31g/i_love_jokes_about_elevators/
%
A whale asks his whale dad a question

"where did I come from dad?" asked the whale son
"you came from my penis" said the dad
"Thanks dad" said the son
"you're whalecum" said the whale dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79v1h4/a_whale_asks_his_whale_dad_a_question/
%
Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled.

Tickets are non-refundable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79uue7/seminar_how_to_avoid_frauds_is_canceled/
%
I asked my proctologist why he had a rectal thermometer behind his ear.

The proctologist was baffled, got annoyed and answered "fuck, some asshole has my pen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ut7b/i_asked_my_proctologist_why_he_had_a_rectal/
%
In an art gallery I saw a poo with teeth marks on it.

It was a bit shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79uqhk/in_an_art_gallery_i_saw_a_poo_with_teeth_marks_on/
%
What are pornstars paid?

Income.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79uofv/what_are_pornstars_paid/
%
What do Kevin Spacey and Santa Claus have in common?

They both like to empty their sacks for young boys.
(I know it's an old MJ joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79umcx/what_do_kevin_spacey_and_santa_claus_have_in/
%
I prefer "badass" to "hemorrhoids"

when I describe my condition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79uldr/i_prefer_badass_to_hemorrhoids/
%
Soda to the Head

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ul8y/soda_to_the_head/
%
I asked a girl to come back to my place and as she was looking through my books...

She asked, "How come you've got so many copies of 'War and Peace'?"
I replied, "It's a long story..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79uknm/i_asked_a_girl_to_come_back_to_my_place_and_as/
%
I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ukhu/i_always_thought_lgbt_means_lettuce_ginger_bacon/
%
What is the difference between Donald J. Trump and the Hindenberg?

One is an exploding Nazi gas bag, whose fiery crash and destruction played out on camera; the flaming doom marked the end, not just of itself, but for all that followed in it's line. Its blaze of failure permanently seared into the collective consciousness of humanity. A disaster that would be talked about for decades to come. An explosion of hubris simultaneously tragic and farcical that it made commentators fear for Humanity.
The other is a rigid airship constructed in Friedrichshafen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ui8s/what_is_the_difference_between_donald_j_trump_and/
%
Why was the button sad?

Because it was depressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79uhyf/why_was_the_button_sad/
%
I didn't have any candy at Halloween...

So I gave out my antidepressants.
It made the kids happy, but it was a real downer for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79uh0j/i_didnt_have_any_candy_at_halloween/
%
TIL that a man once ate an entire clock, one small piece at a time.

It was time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ug0s/til_that_a_man_once_ate_an_entire_clock_one_small/
%
What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave?

Then her name would be mozarella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79udvg/what_if_cinderella_was_a_baking_slave_instead_of/
%
A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ubbc/a_bloke_went_to_his_mates_fancy_dress_party_with/
%
What do you get if Woolworths burns down?

Coles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79uaql/what_do_you_get_if_woolworths_burns_down/
%
This halloween, I will dress up as my father.

Too bad nobody will get to see my costume

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79u7ne/this_halloween_i_will_dress_up_as_my_father/
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What's a alcoholic

Jack asks his father "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" The dad says "You see those 4 trees over there, if you see eight it means your an alcoholic." the son replies with "But dad I only see two"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79u6ph/whats_a_alcoholic/
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Thematically kinda Halloween

Three vampires meet each other in a dark alley completely covered in blood.
1st vampire: Blah! Fellow night dwellers, see that plain with dead herd of cows over there? Yes, my work, is why I'm all bloody.
2nd: Weakling, see those 4 dead people in this alley? Totally sucked all their blood. Now it's all over me.
3rd: See the tall tower over there, guys?
Both: Um, duh, yea.
3rd: Well, I didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79u6cj/thematically_kinda_halloween/
%
What do you call Russian roulette for vampires?

High stakes poker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79u2sf/what_do_you_call_russian_roulette_for_vampires/
%
Two aliens arrive at a gas station...

When they land one of the aliens says "Take me to your leader." To a gas pump and the other alien says "Dude I don't think you should mess with him he looks like a badass." The 1st alien persists, "I said take me to your leader!" The 2nd alien says, " Man I'm being serious you should leave him alone..." The 1st alien takes out his laser pistol and the 2nd alien backs away. " I'll count to 3 and if you don't take me to your leader I'll shoot! 1...2...3! The alien shoots the gas pump and goes flying back on fire. When the 2nd alien goes to help the 1st one asks, "how did you know he was a badass? The 2nd says, "anyone who can wrap their dick around them selves 3 times and call them self "Ethel" is a badass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79tsr8/two_aliens_arrive_at_a_gas_station/
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What do you do when you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79tqfd/what_do_you_do_when_you_come_across_a_tiger_in/
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What killed the Indian Cat?

Curryosity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79t9yi/what_killed_the_indian_cat/
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How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb.

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79t8yb/how_many_super_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Don't you hate it when you join ISIS after hearing about all the virgins jihadists get to fuck

without realizing you will be one of them?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79t6z4/dont_you_hate_it_when_you_join_isis_after_hearing/
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It's WW2 3 men die and go to hell.

An American, a Jewish man, and a Nazi die and are all greeted by Satan at the gates of hell. He says to the 3 men, "I'm giving you guys a chance to earn your lives back. I want you to bring me a fruit that I've never seen before." The men were full of joy, however the devil did not tell them if they bring him a fruit hes seen before they will not only stay there for eternity but they will start by shoving it up their asses.
The three men set out on their journey and the American is the first to return. He says to the devil, "I present to you an all American apple. Unlike any other in the world!" The devil laughs and says, "Shove it up your ass." The Jewish man returns with a pomegranate and says to the devil, "I'm certain you've never seen this one before!" The devil laughs and says once again, "Shove it up your ass."
The devil is growing tired of waiting for the last man, so he decides to watch the 2 men shove the fruits up their ass while they suffer. He was surprised to find the American weeping in pain and the Jewish man laughing. He walks up to him furious asking, "Is this not enough for you? Do I need to make things worse? Why are you laughing human?" The Jewish man responds while giggling, "No, no, Mr. Devil. I'm laughing because the Nazi's coming back with a watermelon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79t63w/its_ww2_3_men_die_and_go_to_hell/
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I have a masturbation addiction.

I really need to get a grip on myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79t3z4/i_have_a_masturbation_addiction/
%
A chemist, physicist, and engineer found a human thigh bone.

All three of them were cannibals.
The chemist licked it, and tried to put it into water to dissolve it.
The physicist tried to break it open to get at the marrow.
The engineer took the bone, hit the other two over the head, and ate them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79t2vh/a_chemist_physicist_and_engineer_found_a_human/
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Trump’s bodyguards have found a new phrase for “Mr. President get down!”

Donald duck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79swe1/trumps_bodyguards_have_found_a_new_phrase_for_mr/
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Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.

I did and we do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79sqip/donald_trump_said_if_i_voted_for_hillary_clinton/
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[Long] In the midst of World War 3, a fighter pilot is shot down behind enemy lines and taken prisoner.

Upon reaching the prisoner encampment, the pilot notices three tents in front of him before he is approached by the enemy commander.
"Prisoner!  We will give you an opportunity to gain your freedom by completing three challenges in the tents behind me, which if successfully completed, you will be granted your freedom immediately.  If you fail, you will be executed."
The pilot thinks it over for a moment, and agrees to take a shot at the challenges in the tents.
"In the first tent," the commander explains, "are two fifths of vodka.  You must consume both bottles without succumbing to alcohol poisoning, and continue to complete the final two challenges immediately."
The pilot replies "Hell, that's normal for me every time I'm on leave.  What's next?"
"In the second tent, there is a lion with a bad tooth.  You must successfully extract the tooth after drinking the vodka without being mauled by the lion, and continue on to complete the final challenge.
The pilot anxiously agrees.  "And the third tent?"
"In the third tent, there is a woman who has never been sexually satisfied in her entire life.  You must complete the first two challenges and satisfy the woman, at which time you will be released immediately."
The pilot agrees and anxiously enters the first tent.  After three hours, the pilot finally emerges, so drunk that he can barely walk.  He is then guided to the second tent containing the lion with the bad tooth.
After a brief moment of tense silence, the tent begins to shake, and the pilot is heard screaming and the lion roaring.  After a few minutes of this, all falls quiet.
Suddenly, the pilot stumbles out of the tent, bloody and mangled, and loudly exclaims -
"All right!  Where's that bitch that needed her tooth pulled?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79smet/long_in_the_midst_of_world_war_3_a_fighter_pilot/
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Bob didn’t believe that Fred’s dog could talk

So Fred asked his dog, “What’s on top of a house?”
“Roof,” the dog barked.
Bob wasn’t convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.
“Rough.”
He still wasn’t convinced.
“O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” Fred asked the dog.
“Ruth.”
With that, Bob walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Fred and asked: Was it Hank Aaron?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79sl1y/bob_didnt_believe_that_freds_dog_could_talk/
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How do we know toothbrushes were invented in Mississippi?

If it was invented anywhere else it would be called teethbrushes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79shq3/how_do_we_know_toothbrushes_were_invented_in/
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My girlfriend said she should be Reddit for Halloween.

That way I would actually give her some attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79sglr/my_girlfriend_said_she_should_be_reddit_for/
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Why was Kevin Spacey so good at Blackjack?

He knew to hit on everything under 17

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79sedy/why_was_kevin_spacey_so_good_at_blackjack/
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A German, American and a Mexican gey captured by a tribe

An American, Mexican and German get captured by a tribe.
The Tribemaster says to the German: "Choose what we shall put on your back before we start whipping you."
The German has decided: "Pour fresh beer all over me!"
So thats what they did, and whipped the German untill he died.
Next they walk to the Mexican and ask the same question.
"I dont need anything." he says, proudly.
They keep whipping his back, but he endured everything.
And thats when they ask the same question to the American.
"What do you want on your back?"
The American responds "The Mexican."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79s9lz/a_german_american_and_a_mexican_gey_captured_by_a/
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How to be the coolest guy in the room?

Be the only one there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79s6tr/how_to_be_the_coolest_guy_in_the_room/
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Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79s3nu/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
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I told my mom that I was going to make a spaghetti bike.

You should've seen her face when I rode right pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79s1b0/i_told_my_mom_that_i_was_going_to_make_a/
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Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!

911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ryp4/boy_calls_911_hello_i_need_your_help/
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Did you hear Kevin Spacey is making a prequel to 21?

It's called "Always Hit on 14"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79rycs/did_you_hear_kevin_spacey_is_making_a_prequel_to/
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I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79rxkk/i_witnessed_the_break_up_of_an_obese_couple/
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Putting things in the bin may be ‘lit’

But dropping them on the floor is litter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79rtqn/putting_things_in_the_bin_may_be_lit/
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Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79rof6/hearts_diamonds_clubs_spades_oh_looks_like_this/
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Blonde Painter

One day, a blonde decided to end all of the notions that blondes are dumb and can't do anything right, so she decided to get a job as a painter and prove them wrong. She went house to house asking for a job, and most rejected due to that she was blonde.
She then came upon an old man, and he said, "I'll pay you $20 to paint my small porch, and if you come back in less than 3 hours I'll pay you double and get you a job to paint my whole house."
The old man went inside and sat in his lazy chair to take a nap, and as soon as he started dozing off he heard the doorbell. *She must be a damn good painter* he thought, and went to get the door, and there she was.
"I did the job, double coat and everything!" She said excitedly.
"How did you do it that fast?" The old man said, stunned.
"Well it's relatively small, and it's not a Porsche you big dummy, it's a Ferrari!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79rl1n/blonde_painter/
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Three ducks got arrested and went to court

The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says "Tell me your name and what you did wrong." The first duck says "my name is Quack and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says "Ok, you go to jail for 3 days."
The second duck gets on the stand and the judge says the same thing. The duck says "My name is Quack Quack and I got caught for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge sends him to jail for 3 days
The third duck gets up on the stand and the judge says "Let me guess your name is Quack Quack Quack?" The duck says
"Nah, im Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79rhk9/three_ducks_got_arrested_and_went_to_court/
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What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79rgki/what_did_the_nut_say_when_chasing_the_other_nut/
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What's the worse thing about locking your keys inside your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?

Going inside and asking to use a coat hanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79rgdn/whats_the_worse_thing_about_locking_your_keys/
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What do ghosts like to drink?

Boooooze! ^I'm ^so ^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79rg4a/what_do_ghosts_like_to_drink/
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I was waiting at a pedestrian crossing, when a woman asked me, "What's that beep, beep sound?"

I said, "It's so blind people know when to go."
"Oh right." she replied. "Where I'm from, we don't let them drive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79rdv4/i_was_waiting_at_a_pedestrian_crossing_when_a/
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A guy comes back from hunting in africa

"So how was you trip?" asked his friend
"Oh it was great!I had alot of fun" the guy replied
"So what did you hunt down?" his friend asked curiously
So the guy started "Well i killed 2 lions 1 zebra 4 tigers and 48 "noplis" "
His friend look confused "Noplis? whats that?"
"I honestly dont know they were little skinny black animals and kept screaming "no plis" when they were running"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79rdpd/a_guy_comes_back_from_hunting_in_africa/
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A week before my grandfather died, we tried rubbing grease all over his back...

He went downhill very quickly after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79rali/a_week_before_my_grandfather_died_we_tried/
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If one door closes and another door opens

Your house is probably haunted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79r9nl/if_one_door_closes_and_another_door_opens/
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Two Gay men are travelling....

...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79r814/two_gay_men_are_travelling/
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My girlfriend was really upset someone stole her peg leg.

She was crying on my shoulder, I guess she needed someone to lean on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79r7vq/my_girlfriend_was_really_upset_someone_stole_her/
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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

But it’s ok, cause that priest is in jail now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79r7lb/i_was_blessed_with_a_9_inch_penis/
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A man went to college

A man from Alabama comes back to his hometown for a visit after his first year in college.
His friend meets up with him and asks what he learned from college?
Man: Well I learned biology for one.
Friend: Oh really? Speak in biology to prove it.
Man: Amoeba, nucleus, and mitochondria.
Friend: Wow! You are smart. Ok, what else did ya learn?
Man: Let’s see... Oh, I learned English.
Friend: Well let’s hear some of that english then.
Man: “Romeo, oh Romeo. Where fore art thou Romeo?
Friend: You are a genius my good friend. Ok, ok, gimme one more thing ya learned.
Man: Haha, Ok I learned maths too.
Friend: Ok let’s hear it.
Man: pi*r^2
Friend: Hell no ya dumb ass! Pie are circles! Cornbread are square!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79r74v/a_man_went_to_college/
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Sure, English is a hard language to learn.

But it can definitely be understood through tough thorough thought though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79r2po/sure_english_is_a_hard_language_to_learn/
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David Blaine has reportedly been accused of two sexual assaults.

Apparently he touched two women and they disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79r22u/david_blaine_has_reportedly_been_accused_of_two/
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Went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken...

Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered.
The chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79r1xy/went_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_as_a_chicken/
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I really wish people would stop calling me a grammar nazi

I’m just alt-write.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79r1ai/i_really_wish_people_would_stop_calling_me_a/
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Had a dream about a muffler last night....

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79r13x/had_a_dream_about_a_muffler_last_night/
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The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a crowd...

The Pope turns to Trump and says, "Did you know that with a single wave of my hand, I can make this entire crowd go wild? Their joy will not be a momentary passing emotion either, but will live on in their hearts each time they tell someone of this day."
Trump replies, "What?! With one wave of your SAD hand? I doubt it."
So the Pope slapped him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79r0ym/the_pope_and_donald_trump_are_standing_in_front/
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What do you call an Arab man flying a plane?

A pilot you rascist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79r0cv/what_do_you_call_an_arab_man_flying_a_plane/
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"Give it to me" She screamed "Give it to me I'm so Fucking wet!"

But try as she might, she wasn't getting my umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79qzll/give_it_to_me_she_screamed_give_it_to_me_im_so/
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Just saw a guy wearing t-shirt that read "truth+God=life"

Thank god I'm good at math. Truth = life - God

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79qxh8/just_saw_a_guy_wearing_tshirt_that_read/
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A women was shopping at her local...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce,a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the
items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79qsfa/a_women_was_shopping_at_her_local/
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X-ray doctors can't climb trees as well as...

catscan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79qofx/xray_doctors_cant_climb_trees_as_well_as/
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Can a ninja throw a star?

Shuriken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79qo5e/can_a_ninja_throw_a_star/
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What's the longest name?

Miles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79qnt3/whats_the_longest_name/
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A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.

My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!"
I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79qc3i/a_demogorgon_a_dungeon_master_and_a_sherriff_walk/
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Why did the lonely man buy stocks?

He wanted the company

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79q7an/why_did_the_lonely_man_buy_stocks/
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The teacher asks everyone in the class to demonstrate something exciting.

When Little Johnny's turn came, he walked to the blackboard and drew a small dot.
"What's that?" the teacher asked, puzzled. "It's a period." – "Well, I see that, but what's exciting about a period?" –
"Darned if I know, but this morning my sister said she missed one… Dad had a heart attack, mom fainted, and the guy next door shot himself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79q78r/the_teacher_asks_everyone_in_the_class_to/
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3 old friends meet up after a long time

After a couple of drinks, one of them goes to the toilet. The other two start talking about their kids.
The first one says: I'm so proud of my son, after he finished school he started as a janitor in a large company. After that he got promoted to manager and now he is the CEO of the company and makes hundreds of thousands dollars a year. Last year, he even gave a friend a brand new Rolls Royce for his birthday.
Thats not bad, says the second one. My son started as a pilot, but after a few years he became one of the owners of the airline. The company is now worth more than a billion dollars, and he earns millions a year. Last year, he even gave a friend a brand new private jet for his birthday.
While they continue talking about their kids, the third one comes back. The other two ask him about his kids.
Well, says the third man, my son is still working as a dancer in a gay bar.
Oh, say the other men. He is probably not earning that much by doing that. Aren't you a little disappointed by that?
No, not at all says the third man. He is still my son and i still love him  for who he is. Besides, he might not earn that much, but last year he got a Rolls-Royce and a private jet from his best customers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79q4up/3_old_friends_meet_up_after_a_long_time/
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Mr Lion goes down to the river to drink...

...and as he lowers his head to the water, Mr Chimp leaps down out of the trees, scampers up behind Mr Lion, yanks his tail to one side, and visits an unspeakable outrage upon the King of the Beasts!
He then scampers away, leaving Mr Lion crestfallen and vowing to revenge himself on the importunate simian before the whole jungle finds out and he becomes a laughing-stock.
Mr Chimp has a useful head start, but he knows Mr Lion can run faster than he can, and is a pretty fair hand at climbing too. So when he dashes into a clearing and sees Mr Man there, sitting on a log and reading the newspaper, he seizes the opportunity. It is the work of a moment for the muscly ape to overpower the puny human, grab his hat and coat and newspaper, and deposit Mr Man in a dense patch of bushes, too stunned to register an effective protest.
Scarcely is Mr Chimp settled on the log with the newspaper when Mr Lion bounds into the clearing. He sees the "man" cowering there and turns to him with a snarl: "Hey, you! Did you see a chimpanzee run through here a minute ago?"
"What?" says Mr Chimp, in his best imitation of Mr Man's cultured tones. "You mean the one that did you up the shitter down by the river?"
"Oh fuck," sighs Mr Lion, "it's not in the paper already, is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79q2j4/mr_lion_goes_down_to_the_river_to_drink/
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Did you hear about the soldier who threw up on his commanding officer?

It was a dishonorable discharge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79pxj3/did_you_hear_about_the_soldier_who_threw_up_on/
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I’m a grammar nazi...

...but I’m not anti-semantic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79pwc9/im_a_grammar_nazi/
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I’m friends with 25 letters in the alphabet

I don’t know y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79pvf2/im_friends_with_25_letters_in_the_alphabet/
%
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Ireland

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79pv39/recently_a_routine_police_patrol_was_parked/
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A buzzfeed writer walked into a bar...

You won't BELIEVE what he asked for!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ptu4/a_buzzfeed_writer_walked_into_a_bar/
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I don't know why my girlfriend's make-up kit keeps sliding around

But maybe it's table lean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79pn9p/i_dont_know_why_my_girlfriends_makeup_kit_keeps/
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79pjjc/there_was_once_a_young_man_who_in_his_youth/
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So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free.  The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles.  Love it more than life itself.  I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats.  Can you make a massive highway, that connects the whole world together, so I can ride everywhere?"
The genie explains that while he is magic, he doesn't possess the power to grant him a wish of that magnitude, and asked the man to pick another wish.
The man says "well, my other passion is reading jokes on reddit, but the jokes on r/jokes all seem to be reposts, can you get some new material on there?"
The genie asks "Was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79pf6a/so_this_dude_rubs_a_lamp_and_a_genie_pops_out/
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What's a ghosts favourite type of bee?

Boooooooobies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79pbw9/whats_a_ghosts_favourite_type_of_bee/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy
The other's a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79p8f2/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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What happens when you put two indecisive people in a room together?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79p74a/what_happens_when_you_put_two_indecisive_people/
%
Raking leaves sucks...

...but the alternative blows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79p4y5/raking_leaves_sucks/
%
Why do mathematicians make good pirates?

They can always find x

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79p3fz/why_do_mathematicians_make_good_pirates/
%
So, this Irish guy walks out of a bar

..............What?............it *could* happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79p24q/so_this_irish_guy_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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Hey Dad, I have this idea for a TV show

"Hey Dad, I have this idea for a TV show. It's like those ghost hunter shows, but instead of idiots walking around in the dark saying, "Is there a spirit in here?", it will be skeptics debunking it, and finding out what's really going on."
"They had a show like that when I was a kid."
"Really? What was it called?"
"Scooby Doo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79oxuw/hey_dad_i_have_this_idea_for_a_tv_show/
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Albert Einstein may have been a genius...

...but his brother Frank was a monster!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79otnj/albert_einstein_may_have_been_a_genius/
%
My girlfriends been smoking for 45 minutes now...

Maybe I should put her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79osfi/my_girlfriends_been_smoking_for_45_minutes_now/
%
I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming

Because marches would definitely solve the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79oq76/i_dont_see_why_in_this_day_and_age_there_arent/
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An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle.  The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer.  "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin.  However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in which you die."
The officer nods, and replies "If you'll just bring me my sidearm, and a single round, I'll take care of it for you."  They do as he asks, and he shoots himself in the head.
Next, the chief speaks to the Naval officer.  He gives him the same spiel.  The officer explains that they were always a bit gun shy, but if the chief would provide some poison, he'd happily take it.  The chief provides some poison, and the Naval officer offs himself.
Finally, the chief visits the Ranger.  He explains the situation.  The Ranger thinks for a few seconds, and replies "A fork."
"Excuse me?" Says the chief.
"Bring me a fork." The Ranger says
Perplexed, the chief brought him a fork.  Without a moment's hesitation, the Ranger starts stabbing with the fork.  All up and down his arms, on his legs, his torso, just stabbing like a madman.
"What are you doing??!" The chief asked "That has got to be the *most* painful way to die!"
The Ranger looked up, with a glint in his eye, and shouts  "FUCK YOUR CANOE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79opxb/an_army_officer_a_naval_officer_and_a_ranger_are/
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If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79opjx/if_the_number_666_is_considered_evil/
%
Divorce VS. Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now,
that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79oo2q/divorce_vs_murder/
%
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's okay, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy replies, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79oni2/two_guys_one_old_one_young_are_pushing_their/
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What does a drop top car and a dog who lost their voice have in common

Roofless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ogc7/what_does_a_drop_top_car_and_a_dog_who_lost_their/
%
A man goes to a seafood restaurant and orders fish and chips...

He notices his waitress checking him out, but doesn’t think much of it. Either way, he comes back the next night and orders fish and chips. The waitress says, “Are you sure? You just got that last night.” So instead the man orders salmon. He also thought it was sweet the waitress remembered his order and decides to come back the next night. This time, he orders salmon. The waitress says, “Are you sure? You just got that last night.” So instead the man orders lobster.
By now the man realizes this woman must have some desire for him so he invites her over for coffee. However, by the end of the night they end up making love. Naturally the man comes back the next night and decides to order something new. He sees the waitress and orders the crabs. She says “Are you sure? You just got that last night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79og2e/a_man_goes_to_a_seafood_restaurant_and_orders/
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Table

Woke up in the middle of the night to note down this one before I forgot it. :P
Sign outside furniture shop -
Come for table. Very comfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79oex3/table/
%
Last night my wife told me, "That was entertaining. I wish it was longer..."

"Now I have to wait another year until Stranger Things season 3"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79odbm/last_night_my_wife_told_me_that_was_entertaining/
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Want to know a place where the recycling rate is 99%?

r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ocxh/want_to_know_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is/
%
I met a 14 year Old girl on the internet....

She was Clever, funny, flirty, and sexy.
I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an Undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ocvv/i_met_a_14_year_old_girl_on_the_internet/
%
I'd like to buy one of those plastic dividers from the supermarket checkout

But the checkout lady keeps putting it back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ocjm/id_like_to_buy_one_of_those_plastic_dividers_from/
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Dad didn't like what I got him for Christmas.

"You cunt!" he snapped.  "You always buy me socks!"
"Chill out," I replied.  "It's the thought that counts."
I could tell by the look in his eyes that he would have kicked me in the head right then, if he had legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ob3a/dad_didnt_like_what_i_got_him_for_christmas/
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Damn girl, are you a road work zone?

'Cause you are double-fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79o97f/damn_girl_are_you_a_road_work_zone/
%
I showed up at the Hallowing party wearing only a pair of jeans..

When I was asked what I was I answered "a Premature Ejaculation!".
My colleague replied with "What? .. I don't get it.. you're just wearing a pear of jeans.."
To which I said "Yup, I just came in my pants".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79o8o3/i_showed_up_at_the_hallowing_party_wearing_only_a/
%
A guy and a girl are lying in a room after just having sex.

The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.
The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man, oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the girl replies,"So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!", the guy says."I just got sick of waiting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79o7yr/a_guy_and_a_girl_are_lying_in_a_room_after_just/
%
Yes

Is time travel possible?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79o6yy/yes/
%
People always name Jell-o by its color rather than the flavor.

I think that's a little tasteless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79o6lq/people_always_name_jello_by_its_color_rather_than/
%
One of my friends asked why my wife is always with me everywhere I go!

I told him because she is so ugly I don't want to kiss her goodbye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79o2pu/one_of_my_friends_asked_why_my_wife_is_always/
%
My mother always said the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach

Lovely woman, TERRIBLE surgeon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79o28d/my_mother_always_said_the_quickest_way_to_a_mans/
%
Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed this morning?

I think her name was Reese something?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79o1xk/did_you_hear_about_that_actress_that_got_stabbed/
%
Jesus knocks on God's door

"Hey, Dad," he says as he enters his office, "the atheists are here to see you."
God replies: "Tell them I'm not here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nyhx/jesus_knocks_on_gods_door/
%
Welcome to Plastic Surgeries Anonymous.

I see a lot of new faces here, and I have to say...I'm disappointed in all of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nwub/welcome_to_plastic_surgeries_anonymous/
%
Yesterday, a redneck killed his mother, his sister and his girlfriend

There was one dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nwtg/yesterday_a_redneck_killed_his_mother_his_sister/
%
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat.

She fits in your wife’s clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nvie/how_do_you_know_when_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
%
This kid is dragging a chain down the road

and it's bangin' and clanging and making so much noise. An old man pops out of a house and shouts "Son, why you gotta drag that chain?" and the kid replies "Sir, have you ever tried to *push* a chain?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ntq3/this_kid_is_dragging_a_chain_down_the_road/
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A general was traning the soldiers...

General:Soldier i dind't see you at the camouflage traning
Soldier:Thank you General!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nppp/a_general_was_traning_the_soldiers/
%
Insomnia is horrendous to live with ...

But on the plus side, only two more sleeps until Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79npoh/insomnia_is_horrendous_to_live_with/
%
One day a man got into a car accident..

The doctor told his wife that her husband 's face was torned beyond any recognition and would require a skin graft from her butt. She agreed to the procedure.
Few months since his successful facial surgery, the husband couldn't help noticing that his wife was always  smirking whenever his mom is around.
"Honey why are you smiling whenever my mother is around?," he asked
She said, " Oh I can't help it whenever she kissed you on the cheek"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nn5b/one_day_a_man_got_into_a_car_accident/
%
My friend told me that onions were the only things that could make him cry

so I threw a bowling ball at him to prove him wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nn1n/my_friend_told_me_that_onions_were_the_only/
%
What do you call a crucified zombie?

Jesus Christ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nm2i/what_do_you_call_a_crucified_zombie/
%
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100.
Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200.
Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nilq/on_the_first_day_of_college_the_dean_addressed/
%
A student was lucky to find a decent accommodation with a cheap rent.

His colleagues came to visit him and he was showing them the house.
"This is the kitchen. This is the bedroom. And this one is the living room ... "
"And what are this hammer and this pot that are hanging on the wall for? What are you going to do with them?" one of his colleagues asked.
"This is a talking clock."
"I have never seen a clock like that. Can you show me how it works?"
"Sure. Look," the student said.
He took the hammer and struck at the pot with all his strength. Then a voice was heard from the other side,
"What you are doing? Are you crazy? It is half past one in the night, you idiot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nhlu/a_student_was_lucky_to_find_a_decent/
%
A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.
That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
“What’s wrong?” the father asked.
“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.
Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. “Why are you so happy?” he asked.
The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nhlc/a_child_psychologist_had_twin_boys/
%
Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done, the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.
He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"
Bubba says, "I'll show you.
Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ngqa/two_tennessee_rednecks_bubba_and_jim_bob_are/
%
Five friends were so confident that the weekend before finals,

they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there.
They had a great time.
However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to College until early
Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to an Old age home in the nearest town to spend some time with aged people for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.
As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points.
It was the easiest question in their entire syllabus.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room.
"This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nfj8/five_friends_were_so_confident_that_the_weekend/
%
Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?

Bartender says "Three feet tall.Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ndib/guy_runs_into_a_bar_yells_quick_how_tall_is_a/
%
An old man and a young man work together in an office.

The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies.
"Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nd7b/an_old_man_and_a_young_man_work_together_in_an/
%
So I was listening to the radio the other day and an ad came on: “Do you suffer from premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction?”

And I thought to myself, “No but my girlfriend probably does.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nd0i/so_i_was_listening_to_the_radio_the_other_day_and/
%
halloween

When I told my wife to use a vacuum instead
of a broom the witch flew of the handle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79nbrf/halloween/
%
She said "You pay more attention to that bloody computer than you do to me!"

I said "Well, yes. The computer goes down on me every once in a while."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79n9v1/she_said_you_pay_more_attention_to_that_bloody/
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It's a boy! I shouted, tears rolling down my face... I don't believe it, a boy!

It was at that moment I choose to never visit Thailand again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79n6a1/its_a_boy_i_shouted_tears_rolling_down_my_face_i/
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I'll be turning off my lights this Halloween and pretend I'm not in...

Screw the ships, my lighthouse, my rules.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79n51c/ill_be_turning_off_my_lights_this_halloween_and/
%
I would make a homeless joke...

But I don't want to throw my three cents in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79n4zq/i_would_make_a_homeless_joke/
%
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in

She said, "You Can't do this to me!"
I said, "I know..... that's why I'm doing it to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79n2vr/i_was_fucking_my_secretary_up_the_arse_when_my/
%
A kid in a tracksuit called to my door last night and said “Trick or treat”

“Its not Halloween till Tuesday. What are you even supposed to be?”
“I’m a ware wolf” he said with a cheeky grin.
“But you’re not even wearing a costume”
“Well it’s not a fucking full moon yet dickhead” he said before kicking me in the shins and running away laughing.
Kids these days...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79n1ce/a_kid_in_a_tracksuit_called_to_my_door_last_night/
%
What is ET short for?

Because he has little legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79mtzv/what_is_et_short_for/
%
A limbo champion walks into a bar

Instant disqualification.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79mpws/a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
%
"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79modo/your_eyes_look_red_said_the_cop_have_you_been/
%
Do you remember when you used to blow bubbles as a kid?

Ran into Bubbles the other day, he said you always were the best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79mjx9/do_you_remember_when_you_used_to_blow_bubbles_as/
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The government is pushing us towards a cashless society. But I won't stand for it...

I want change!
Also posted on /r/dadjokes because I'm gay for karma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79mjnv/the_government_is_pushing_us_towards_a_cashless/
%
Infinity is not a thing...

... it's just number 8 passed out drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79mez3/infinity_is_not_a_thing/
%
What do Michael Bay and a priest offer a young boy?

Hollywood and Holy wood respectively.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79mern/what_do_michael_bay_and_a_priest_offer_a_young_boy/
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the only jokes I do are self depreciating jokes

they're all terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79m7dz/the_only_jokes_i_do_are_self_depreciating_jokes/
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A man tries for a job as a blacksmith

"Do you have any experience in horseshoeing?"
"No, but I once told a donkey to f**k off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79m4dc/a_man_tries_for_a_job_as_a_blacksmith/
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That World Series game was so long...

When it started Kevin Spacey was still a respected actor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79lyr3/that_world_series_game_was_so_long/
%
I only like white rice

I guess you could say I'm ricist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79lur5/i_only_like_white_rice/
%
Welcome to Masturbators Anonymous.

I'm disappointed that you all came today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79lqf6/welcome_to_masturbators_anonymous/
%
I wanted to get a job at a glory hole

But then I heard the bosses were dicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79lptt/i_wanted_to_get_a_job_at_a_glory_hole/
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The Young Boy and The Apple

A young boy is walking home from school one day when he notices a box on the side walk. He walks over to the box and opens it, inside is a single apple. The boy wonders, “why is there one lone apple sitting inside this box on the side walk?” The boy picks up the apple and puts it in his pocket and continues on home, leaving the box behind. Once the boy gets home he goes to find his mother. He finds his mother in the living room and greets her, “Hello mother, I’m back from school!” his mother replies “Hello Billy, how was your day at school?” the boy proceeds to tell his mother about his day at school, he then remembers about the apple in his pocket. “Also, when I was walking home from school, I found this box sitting on the side walk, when I went over to open it I found a single apple inside.” He pulls the apple out from his pocket and shows it to his mother, who immediately exclaims, “How dare you bring that into my house you disgusting boy! You have bought shame on this family and I never want to see your face again!” she then proceeds to slap him and send him out to his father who is in the yard. “Hello son how was your day at school?” asked the father. The boy, slightly shaken, says “it was ok but when I was walking home from school, I found this box sitting on the side walk, when I went over to open it I found a single apple inside.” He holds his hand outstretched clutching the apple. The boy’s father immediately exclaims “How dare you bring that onto my land you disgusting boy! You have bought shame on this family and I never want to see your face again!” the father clips him around the ear and sends him off to sleep in the tool shed for the night. At this point the boy is extremely confused, what is so bad about one single apple? He places the apple back into his pocket and falls asleep.
The next day comes around; the boy wakes up in the tool shed and goes inside to get ready for school. He quickly gets everything he needs and leaves for school before his family wake up. The boy arrives at school and gets settled down, ready for show and tell. The teacher walks into the room and exclaims, “Good morning everyone, first up today we have: ‘show and tell’ when I call out your name, come to the front of the class.” A few children present their show and tell, then it is time for the young boys turn, he walks to the front of the class and exclaims, “When I was walking home from school, I found this box sitting on the side walk, when I went over to open it I found a single apple inside.” He pulls the apple out of his pocket and holds it up for the class to see. Immediately the whole class beings to scream and cry, some children become ill, others faint. The teacher grabs the boy by his arm and yells “How dare you bring that into my classroom you disgusting boy! You have bought shame on this school and I never want to see your face again!” the teacher marches the boy to the principal’s office and instructs him to wait. The boy waits for a few moments, and then the principal emerges from his office and greets the boy: “Hello Billy, what are you doing here, I never thought I’d see you in trouble!” the boy says “all I did was to bring this apple that I found yesterday when walking home from school!” he shows the apple to the principal who immediately exclaims “How dare you bring that into my school you disgusting boy! You have bought shame on this town and I never want to see your face again!” the principal immediately phones the police station to come and arrest the boy. When the police officers arrive they handcuff the boy and take him back to the station.
Once they arrive at the station the police commissioner asks the boy “what is the reason for you being here today, young man?” the boy pulls the apple out from his pocket and says “well, I was walking home from school, I found this box sitting on the side walk, when I went over to open it I found a single apple inside, that’s all I did!” the commissioner recoils at the sight of the apple and calls his officers in to throw the boy in a cell. The police commissioner shouts to the boy: “How dare you bring that into our community you disgusting boy! You have bought shame on this town and I never want to see your face again! You will be facing the judge for this!” A few days later, the boy is bought up before the judge who remarks “Well, Billy, I never thought I’d see someone so young up before my court, what is it that you did that landed you here?” the young boy, visibly distraught yells to the judge “I was walking home from school, I found this box sitting on the side walk, when I went over to open it I found a single apple inside, that’s all I did, nothing else!” the boy holds the apple up and the judge immediately shouts “How dare you bring that into my court house you disgusting boy! You have bought shame on your family and your community and I never want to see your face again so I will be sentencing you to 60 years in prison for such a despicable and disgusting act!” the boy is hauled away to prison where all of his belongings are taken except the clothes off his back and the single apple.
As the years pass, the young boy grows into an old man, with only a single apple to his name, none of the other prisoners or wardens ever speak to him. Finally, the day comes for his release. He walks out of the prison under the angry stares of the wardens, apple in hand. He exclaims to himself “before I die, I must find out, what it is about this apple that is so volatile for everyone around me…” the old man, too afraid to confront anyone face to face, searches the internet far and wide to find out: what is so controversial about this apple? After months of searching he comes across a seedy criminal who offers to give him information about the apple in exchange for the man’s life savings. The old man insists that he must know, so, he sends all his money to the seedy criminal who tells him to travel to the mountain ranges of Tibet where he will find a monk who will explain the true meaning behind the apple.
The man travels for days, by boat, by plane, by train and finally by foot, until he reaches the town at the base of the mountain. Almost dead from exhaustion, the man walks into the local shop to ask about how he can reach the temple at the top of the mountain. The store owner exclaims “Ah yes, you want to see the man over the other side of the street, he has a yak that can take you up to the temple!” the man thanks the store owner and rushes out of the shop and crosses the street.
Unfortunately, the man forgets to look both ways when crossing the street and is hit by a semi-truck and is killed immediately. That’s why you should always look both ways before crossing the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79lnyi/the_young_boy_and_the_apple/
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I was wondering why the Basketball kept getting bigger

then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79lloo/i_was_wondering_why_the_basketball_kept_getting/
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How can you tell if a ghost has had too much to drink?

They look all sheet-faced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79lizs/how_can_you_tell_if_a_ghost_has_had_too_much_to/
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I thought I was in heaven when I happened upon a shack in the middle of the desert. It had a sign that read, 'Cannabis Hut, get baked for free!'

Apparently, cannibals can't spell very well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79lht7/i_thought_i_was_in_heaven_when_i_happened_upon_a/
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Where does the Pirate keep his buccaneers?

Under his buccan-hat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79l7i3/where_does_the_pirate_keep_his_buccaneers/
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink...

The bartender looks at him and says" See that woman over there, she will give you a blow job and sing the National Anthem at the same time".
"No way" the guy says.
"Oh yeah, and she only charges $20".
So he walks over and hands her a $20. She takes him into a back room and shuts off the light.
As she starts to give him head, she also starts to sing. He couldn't believe it, the words came out so clear that it was impossible.
Just after he finished, he quickly flicked on the light and saw her popping in her glass eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79l7gj/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_sits_down_and_orders_a/
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Why does an Ethiopian baby cry

It’s having a midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79l6r9/why_does_an_ethiopian_baby_cry/
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A priest, a rabbi and a leprechaun walk into a bar.

The leprechaun looks around and says, "Saints preserve us! I'm in the wrong joke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79l5xw/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_leprechaun_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex:

- You can GET chocolate.
- Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft.
- You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
- You can have chocolate in in public.
- If you bite the nuts, the chocolate won't mind.
- The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
- You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
- No need to fake your enjoyment of chocolate.
- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
- You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
- You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
- Size doesn't matter
- though more is still better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79l5ck/why_chocolate_is_better_than_sex/
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A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully,

slowly climbed up onto a counter stool.
He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.
“Crushed nuts?” asked the server.
“No,” he answered.
“Bad knees.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79l4jx/a_elderly_retiree_wobbled_gingerly_into_an_ice/
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Why are plants so thin?

They always eat light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79l4gq/why_are_plants_so_thin/
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What do broccoli and anal have in common?

When you’re forced to have it as a child, you don’t like it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79l1re/what_do_broccoli_and_anal_have_in_common/
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A guy walks in a restaurant...

On the restaurant's logo is written: "whoever make the owner's horse laugh eat free".
The man says: "I'll try it out" and goes to the horse wispering something at his ear. The horse laugh until tears shed from his eyes. So the man eats for free.
Couple weeks later, the man comes back and on the logo is now written: "whoever make the owner's horse cry eat free".
The man says: "I can try again" and goes to the horse wispering something again. Instantly the horse starts to cry and the man eats for free.
Incredulous, the owner asks the man what he said to his horse to make it laugh and cry.
The man says: "The first time I told him I had a dick bigger than him and the second time I showed it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79l1od/a_guy_walks_in_a_restaurant/
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A duck walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a beer and the bartender says
"No we dont serve Ducks here"
The duck leaves, comes back the next day and asks for a beer, once again the bartender replies
"No, we dont serve ducks here"
The duck leaves, the following day the duck returns and asks for a beer, now the bartender is getting annoyed, he says
"We didnt serve ducks yesterday or the day before, and we dont serve ducks today!"
The duck leaves again, and sure enough he goes back the next day and asks for a beer again, now the bartender is straight mad
"He yells at the duck, and says god dammit we dont serve ducks here, if you come back one more time asking for a beer im gunna nail your feet to the bar!!"
Duck waddle's out, comes back the next day, this time he asks if the bar sells nails, the bartender replies
"We're a bar, why the hell would we have nails?"
The duck responds
"Ok, then can I have a beer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79kywj/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a hungry dachshund?

A halloweenie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79kx0j/what_do_you_call_a_hungry_dachshund/
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Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding

Officer: "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "No,  but I know exactly where I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79kv0q/heisenberg_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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If Italian bread is Italian bread, and French bread is French bread, what do you call southern bread

Inbred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79kpx6/if_italian_bread_is_italian_bread_and_french/
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A doctor at a mental hospital...

... was preparing to review some patients who were thought to be ready for release. After he got ready he called for the first patient to enter the room.
The man walked in, excited to possibly go home, and asked the doctor what he had to do.
"Touch your knees," the doctor replied.
After a moments hesitation, the man cautiously touched his elbow.
"No, no," the doctor said, and sent the man back to his room.
The doctor then signaled for the next patient to enter the room.
The man walked in, the picture of health, and asked what he needed to do.
"Touch your knees," the doctor said, and the man confidently did.
"Good, good. Now touch your elbow."
The man paused, thrown for a loop, and slowly touched his chin.
"No, no," the doctor sighed, and sent the man back to his room as well.
The doctor requested for the next man to come into the room.
The man came in, looking perfectly normal, and stood silently, waiting for directions.
"Touch your knees,"the doctor said.
The man did so.
"Now touch your elbows," the doctor said.
The man did so without any hesitation.
Together they went through more body parts until the doctor stood up, beaming.
"Congratulations, sir, you seem perfectly fit for release. Tell me, how did you do it?"
And the man smiled and tapped his forehead.
"Kidneys."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79knnc/a_doctor_at_a_mental_hospital/
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Nowadays with internet in some prisons..

..How do they prevent the emails from having attached files?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79km3q/nowadays_with_internet_in_some_prisons/
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What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

If you push a canoe hard enough, it'll tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79kkea/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_canoe/
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A mexican was driving his car when a police officer stopped him...

The police said: Congratulations, you are one of the 1000th drivers who is using a seatbelt.
The mexican said: Thank you so much!
Then the police asked: What are you going to do with the money?
The mexican thought for a few seconds and said: Well I was thinking about getting a drivers license!
His girlfriend then proceed to tell he police:
I'm sorry, he doesn't know what he's talking about when he's drunk.
Then the other person in the backseat said:
Fuck! We will never get away with this stolen car!
The police escorts them out and tells them they are taken into custody, then a voice comes from the trunk:
"HAVE WE PASSED THE BORDER YET?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79kjpc/a_mexican_was_driving_his_car_when_a_police/
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What did Jesus say to the Poles before he went up to Heaven?

"Play dumb until I get back."
[Favorite joke of my Polish friend Ania.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79kjf3/what_did_jesus_say_to_the_poles_before_he_went_up/
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My mom told me to stop sitting around and doing nothing

Instead I stood up and did nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ki66/my_mom_told_me_to_stop_sitting_around_and_doing/
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Went to a Halloween party dressed as myself...

Nobody knew who I was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79kfgx/went_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_as_myself/
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Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79kdki/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_three_holes_in/
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Hey baby are you the bottom of my laptop?

Cause you’re hot and I’m getting nervous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79kd9s/hey_baby_are_you_the_bottom_of_my_laptop/
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I got into a debate with a handicapped man today...

Apparently it didn't help my case when I told him he didn't have a leg to stand on...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79kc5s/i_got_into_a_debate_with_a_handicapped_man_today/
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A pumpkin says to a jack-o'-lantern "All we ever do is sit around on the stoop. Don't you want to mix it up, try something different?"

The jack-o'-lantern says "I don't have the guts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79k9uc/a_pumpkin_says_to_a_jackolantern_all_we_ever_do/
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What's the difference between my son and the vindaloo I ate?

I didn't scream when my son came out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79k8ae/whats_the_difference_between_my_son_and_the/
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I saw a post on Craigslist that said: Radio for sale, $1. Volume knob stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79k7zn/i_saw_a_post_on_craigslist_that_said_radio_for/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are standing on a roof.

A man who claims to be a magician approaches the three.
"If you jump off this roof, whatever you yell on your way down is what you shall land in," the magician tells them.
The Englishman, obviously the bravest of the three, volunteers to go first. He jumps off the roof, and on his way down yells "Pillows!" at the top of his lungs. He lands in a pile of soft, squishy pillows and gets up unscathed.
The Scotsman, seeing that the magician is not lying, jumps next. On his way down, the Scotsman screams "Hay!" and lands in a few bales of hay, standing next to the Englishman.
The Englishman and the Scotsman look at the Irishman, who has a fear of heights. The Irishman slowly and reluctantly approaches the edge of the roof, and climbs on top of the ledge. Suddenly, the magician runs up behind the Irishman and shoves him off the edge to help him out. Scared, the Irishman screams at the top of his lungs, "Ah, shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79k7bl/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are/
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Two young boys went to a bread store...

Two young boys went to a bread store. One boy asks the pretty clerk if he could get some raisin bread, she climbs up a ladder to grab the boy a loaf of raisin bread. While she’s up on the ladder, the boy notices that the clerk wasn’t wearing underwear. The boy whispers and points this out to the other boy. While up on the ladder the clerk asks the other boy if his is raisin too. To which he says, “No Ma’am, mine’s just quivering.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79k79m/two_young_boys_went_to_a_bread_store/
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What do you call an Alligator that's good with money and even better at finding people?

"Investigator"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79k5xc/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_thats_good_with/
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A man flirts with a mathematician

"Imagine you are a variable and your clothes are constants, and then you derive."
"Well, I would be naked but I would also have fewer curves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79k555/a_man_flirts_with_a_mathematician/
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How do prisoners communicate?

CELL-phones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79k2ej/how_do_prisoners_communicate/
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How does a butter company measure its revenues?

net margarines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jype/how_does_a_butter_company_measure_its_revenues/
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Why are dogs so bad at dancing?

Because they have 2 left feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79juxw/why_are_dogs_so_bad_at_dancing/
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A guy met this girl in a bar and asked...

"May I buy you a drink?"
Looking back unimpressed at the man, she replied, "Okay, but it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay, but it still won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She says, "Oh, that's different! Send her in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jtr5/a_guy_met_this_girl_in_a_bar_and_asked/
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What do pumpkins and Donald Trump have in common?

They’re both orange and need to be thrown out in early November.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jpyr/what_do_pumpkins_and_donald_trump_have_in_common/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jpmt/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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Turned you on

Yesterday I saw a sign above a stove and it was written
"Please turn me off! How would you feel if somebody turned you on and then left?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jodp/turned_you_on/
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Years ago I used to supply filofaxs' to the mafia.

Yeah, I was involved in very organised crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jo2n/years_ago_i_used_to_supply_filofaxs_to_the_mafia/
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What's the most popular drink ordered at bars?

One more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jn8d/whats_the_most_popular_drink_ordered_at_bars/
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A kid is dying at a hospital and wanta to meet eminem.

The nurse then says
"He's pretty busy but you are going to meet Tupac real soon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jlqb/a_kid_is_dying_at_a_hospital_and_wanta_to_meet/
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What did the Q-tip say before he went to work?

"Just another day at the orifice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jlo0/what_did_the_qtip_say_before_he_went_to_work/
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Christmas and New year

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jlgt/christmas_and_new_year/
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You know what the worst thing about a joke is?

When you punch up the fuckline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jl38/you_know_what_the_worst_thing_about_a_joke_is/
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£40 from his father

Billy sidles over to his father & asks "Dad can I have £40 for a Maglite torch/flashlight thing please?".
His father replies " Billy, what do you need a torch for?"
Billy coyly whispers "Dad I want to go courting."
His father puzzlingly says " I didn't take a torch with me when I went courting!"
To which Billy replies "Yes I know that dad & look what you ended up with."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jioy/40_from_his_father/
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I heard a joke about sandwiches

[DELI-ted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jin4/i_heard_a_joke_about_sandwiches/
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Instead of "who's your daddy" I accidentally said "how's your daddy"

and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jhvf/instead_of_whos_your_daddy_i_accidentally_said/
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Mary Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

I live in a flat, you stupid twat, so how the fuck should I know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jgsr/mary_mary_quite_contrary_how_does_your_garden_grow/
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I used to be addicted to dirt

But now I'm clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79jboe/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_dirt/
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I asked this woman on a date, and I asked her if she wanted to try my meatballs and sauseage.

Apparently, you're supposed to tell her you're a chef first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79j8to/i_asked_this_woman_on_a_date_and_i_asked_her_if/
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My girlfriend told me she had never heard of condoms...

I thought she must be pulling my leg so I played along. “Oh yeah?” I said, “They’re for covering your cigarettes in the rain.”
Well one day we were in a pharmacy and she asked the clerk for a package of condoms. He asked what kind, and she said “oh, to fit a camel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79j8m9/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_had_never_heard_of/
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Why didn't the mummy go on vacation?

He was afraid he'd relax and unwind!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79j8i4/why_didnt_the_mummy_go_on_vacation/
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Last year I was depressed and miserable. I've turned things around since then...

Now I'm miserable and depressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79j55r/last_year_i_was_depressed_and_miserable_ive/
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There are two types of people

And they're both sick and tired of being put into two groups.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79izld/there_are_two_types_of_people/
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What's the worst Halloween costume for this year?

Hurricane Harvey Weinstein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79iviy/whats_the_worst_halloween_costume_for_this_year/
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A conversation with a genie

Genie: What is your first wish?
Steve: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. Second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79iv3j/a_conversation_with_a_genie/
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If your Uncle Jack needed help off of a horse...

Would you help your Uncle Jack off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79iu0w/if_your_uncle_jack_needed_help_off_of_a_horse/
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I watch all my horror movies on the toilet.

They scare the shit out of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79irw3/i_watch_all_my_horror_movies_on_the_toilet/
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Why did the fencer join /r/jokes?

He wanted to practice his riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ipn6/why_did_the_fencer_join_rjokes/
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What’s the difference between a jar of creamy almonds and a porn enthusiast?

One’s a nut butter, the other’s a butt nutter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79in2e/whats_the_difference_between_a_jar_of_creamy/
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So a woman meets a wish-granting frog…

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her "if you release me from this trap,  I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79imzv/so_a_woman_meets_a_wishgranting_frog/
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When she was young, people laughed at Amy Schumer when she said she wanted to be a comedian.

Guess what, no one is laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ilyg/when_she_was_young_people_laughed_at_amy_schumer/
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My dad said his first car had a Dual-55 air conditioning system.

All you have to do is to roll down both of the windows and drive 55 miles an hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79il3r/my_dad_said_his_first_car_had_a_dual55_air/
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I wake up from a nightmare that I am taking a math test...

and find out that I am taking a math test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ik18/i_wake_up_from_a_nightmare_that_i_am_taking_a/
%
I was really excited about joining the Mile High Club...

...but my girlfriend couldn't give a flying fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79iidt/i_was_really_excited_about_joining_the_mile_high/
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Two men live in a mental hospital

One day, they are fed up with the place and decide to escape.
So, that night, they both snuck up on to the roof, and see the lights of the city in the distance.
The first guy jumps from the roof to a large tree branch that is just a short distance away, and became free in that moment.
The second guy, however, is terribly afraid of heights, and can’t make the jump.
After much pondering, the first guy comes up with an idea. He says,
“Hey, I brought my flashlight with me, I could shine its beam across the gap and you could walk across it!”
The second guy says,
“Wow, you really are insane, that’s not possible.”
“Why not?!”
“We both know you’ll turn the beam off when I’m halfway across!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ii32/two_men_live_in_a_mental_hospital/
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What did the skeleton say before they ate their meal?

Bone appetite.
(7 year old told me this today).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ih89/what_did_the_skeleton_say_before_they_ate_their/
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Did you know the Hover Dam was supposed to be twice as tall as it is now?

After some re-evaluation, they thought it would be 2 dam high.
I’ll see myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79idvp/did_you_know_the_hover_dam_was_supposed_to_be/
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I'm dressing up as Commitment this halloween

Well everyone's afraid of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ia3q/im_dressing_up_as_commitment_this_halloween/
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Why do children in China all have iPhones and wear Nike?

Employee discounts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79i6x7/why_do_children_in_china_all_have_iphones_and/
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A man walks into a bar holding a piece of asphalt

He says to the bar tender: “I want two drinks, one for me right now and one for the road.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79i66d/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_holding_a_piece_of_asphalt/
%
Everyone is posting one legged Halloween costumes

and I can't stand it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79i3yc/everyone_is_posting_one_legged_halloween_costumes/
%
Friends, Romans, Corn Futures Brokers,

Lend me your ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79i3xs/friends_romans_corn_futures_brokers/
%
Today's Horoscope:

"You are easily influenced by what you read and have the ability to make vague sentences somehow applicable to your own existence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79i05p/todays_horoscope/
%
My friend got mad at me because I had a wet dream when I stayed at his house...

it was a daydream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hzm1/my_friend_got_mad_at_me_because_i_had_a_wet_dream/
%
My costume is a bunch of sponges pinned to my shirt

I’m self absorbed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hzhi/my_costume_is_a_bunch_of_sponges_pinned_to_my/
%
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, 'I'll give you a drink if you tell me a meta-joke.' So the guy says, 'A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, 'I'll give you a drink if you tell me a meta-joke.' So the guy says, 'A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink ... So he gives the guy a drink.' So he gives the guy a drink.' So he gives the guy a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hxox/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_drink/
%
I have started watching what I eat.

The food makes it into my mouth more often now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hw73/i_have_started_watching_what_i_eat/
%
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a train driver?

Ask them to pronounce "unionised".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hva5/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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My friend decided to skydive without a parachute

I didn't hear from him after that, but someone told me he had a once in a lifetime experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79huoa/my_friend_decided_to_skydive_without_a_parachute/
%
This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"

"A harp", I replied.
"No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested.
So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79htme/this_halloween_i_decided_to_go_as_a_harp_as_i/
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I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it.

And it will say Nobody Likes This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hsdw/i_want_to_make_a_facebook_account_and_the_name/
%
Spoiler alert!

The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hpkb/spoiler_alert/
%
Good news for insomniacs

Only 3 more sleeps until Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hmpo/good_news_for_insomniacs/
%
I don’t understand why people have threesomes

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I’d just get lunch with my parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hiu0/i_dont_understand_why_people_have_threesomes/
%
My friends and I started a band and called it 'Books' so..

No one can judge us by our covers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hgfa/my_friends_and_i_started_a_band_and_called_it/
%
I dated a kleptomaniac once

She stole my heart, and my laptop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hf9q/i_dated_a_kleptomaniac_once/
%
Yo Mama so Fat

She can't save files bigger than 4GB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hemb/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date.

The grandmother says,
"Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. Don't let him do that; it will disgrace our family."
Keeping this advice in mind, the virgin goes on her date and afterwards can hardly wait to tell her grandmother about it.
"It went just like you said!" she says. "But I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried that, I got on top of him and disgraced his family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hdq6/a_virgin_from_a_traditional_family_tells_her/
%
Just found this Sub and it made my day.

It was half eaten and tasted kinda funky though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hdjw/just_found_this_sub_and_it_made_my_day/
%
Costume party

Host: What are you?
Me: A harp
Host: Ur costume's too small to be a harp.
Me: Are you calling me a lyre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hd36/costume_party/
%
Today I was asked out by about 30 women.

It was in the women's locker room, but that's still pretty impressive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hc0p/today_i_was_asked_out_by_about_30_women/
%
My wife just got out of the tub and was wrapped in a towel when she heard a knock

She went down to the door in her towel. She opened it to our neighbor, Bob.
Bob looks at her, and quickly says, "Look this might be weird but ill give you $800 if you drop the towel right now.
She proceeds to drop the towel, exposing herself to Bob.
Bob hands here the 800 dollars and walks away.
My wife comes upstairs.
I asked her, Hey, who was at the door?
"Oh, just our neighbor Bob." She says.
I say, "Oh damn, where'd he go? Does he have the $800 he owes me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79hbu4/my_wife_just_got_out_of_the_tub_and_was_wrapped/
%
I’ve started a drinking game...

I’ve started a drinking game where every time I match on Tinder, I take a shot.
I’ve been sober for a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79haoc/ive_started_a_drinking_game/
%
I broke up with my cross eyed girlfriend

We could never see eye to eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79h8rz/i_broke_up_with_my_cross_eyed_girlfriend/
%
I asked an African man to use the word dandelion in a sentence

His response was "da cheeta runs fasta dan de lion"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79h73a/i_asked_an_african_man_to_use_the_word_dandelion/
%
The Pilot and the Flight Attendant.

A Delta Airlines flight from LAX to JFK was in the cruise when the aircraft hit some heavy chop. The captain comes on the PA system to give the regular announcement for passengers to "please fasten their seatbelts and refrain from using the restrooms at this time", in the confusion of the situation the captain doesn't realize his push-to- talk button is stuck and he is still transmitting to the cabin as he tells his co-pilot: "Holy shit! After that I could really use a coffee and a blow job!" the flight attendent at the back of the plane rushes down the asile to tell the pilot he is still speaking on the PA.
Just as she nears the flight deck door a passenger grabs her arm and says: "And don't forget the coffee"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79h60r/the_pilot_and_the_flight_attendant/
%
A musician died while smoking weed from a dollar bill...

At least he went out on a high note

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79h35p/a_musician_died_while_smoking_weed_from_a_dollar/
%
Why couldn't the A level student date the IB student?

Because a + ib is complex.
(It's a math joke.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79h0ob/why_couldnt_the_a_level_student_date_the_ib/
%
What do you do with sick chemists?

If you can't helium or curium, you barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79gyzf/what_do_you_do_with_sick_chemists/
%
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79gygd/a_polish_immigrant_went_to_the_dmv_to_apply_for_a/
%
Two Wind turbines are in a field.

One turns to the other and asks: " what is your type of music ?"
"i'm a huge metal fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79gxe3/two_wind_turbines_are_in_a_field/
%
Have you ever thought "I don't want to deal with this shit today"

So you leave without wiping?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79gwsr/have_you_ever_thought_i_dont_want_to_deal_with/
%
A group of men end up stranded on an island full of cannibals...

They are taken up by the cannibals and say that they will give them certain tasks each day and if they do not complete the tasks, they will be killed and eaten.
The first day, the cannibals instruct the men to gather 10 of a fruit of their choice and afterwards they will give them further instructions from there.
The first man comes back with ten apples. The leader of the cannibals tell him to stick it up his butt without making noises or facial expressions. The man doesn't get through the first fruit without making a scream. He is then killed and eaten.
The next man comes forth with grapes. He is told the same thing. He gets through almost all of them when he starts laughing. He is then killed and eaten.
In the afterlife, the first man asks the second man why he started laughing. The second guy responds "I couldn't help it, the next guy came along with pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79gu3h/a_group_of_men_end_up_stranded_on_an_island_full/
%
I used to go out with an anaesthesiologist.

She was a local girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79grfs/i_used_to_go_out_with_an_anaesthesiologist/
%
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day

I heard the patients chanting, "13...13....13...13."
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started chanting, "14...14...14...14...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79gkub/i_was_walking_past_the_mental_hospital_the_other/
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The tale of Drango Dune

A proddy young gunfighter swings off his horse and barges through the batwing doors into a saloon, where everyone falls silent, except for the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause. "I'm looking for Drango Dune!" yells the young man, and everyone turns away except for one old-timer who raises his hand and says, "That's me, youngster. What d'you want him for?"
The young gunfighter goes up to the old-timer and says, "If you're Drango Dune, I've rid all the way out here to call you down!", and Dune says, "Whatever for?"
"They say you're the greatest gunfighter there ever was," says the youngster, "so after I beat you, I'll be the greatest."  The old-timer laughs softly, and says, "I guess you had your ride for nothing, then. I don't do that stuff no more."
"But you're the greatest!" says the youngster. "There's stories and songs and everything!"
"Was the greatest, was the greatest," says Drango. "Son, all those songs and stories are... well, they must be forty years old. Still... if you've rid all this way then it's a real shame to see it go for nothing. I guess I could give you a few tips at least. Why'n't you show me the best you got?"
The youngster draws and shoots in a blur of motion, and knocks the candle out of its stick just to the left of the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause; and Drango Dune nods sagely and says, "Pretty good. Mind you, there's room for improvement. You want to let out the strap on that holster just one-half an inch, so your gun ride a mite lower. You'll shave off maybe a fifth of a second that way."
The youngster does as he says and does an even faster draw, and knocks the candle out of its stick just to the right of the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause; and Drango Dune nods once again and says, "Real good. Now, just rub off the checking on the spur of that hammer, and you'll take another tenth of a second off that draw."
Again the youngster does as he's told and draws and shoots the hat off the head of the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause; and Drango Dune nods and says, "Just one thing more. Take that gun of yours and, you see that barrel of bear grease at the end of the bar? Dip your gun in there and get a real good coating on it."
The youngster comes back with his well-greased gun and says, "And the grease will make my draw even quicker, right?"
Drango Dune shakes his head and says, "Oh no, son. It's just that when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna come over here and stick that gun of yours where the sun doesn't shine; and this way, it won't hurt as much."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ggtu/the_tale_of_drango_dune/
%
If your girlfriend starts smoking..

Use some lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79gbxy/if_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
%
What did the blind hooker say after a facial?

-Guess I didn't see that cumming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79gbou/what_did_the_blind_hooker_say_after_a_facial/
%
A woman bought a bag of terribly grated cheese

She regrated it later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79g6na/a_woman_bought_a_bag_of_terribly_grated_cheese/
%
A man walks to a whore and says...

Man: Can you go for half price?
Whore: Sure, but I'll only undress halfway.
Man: Alright, I choose the front half then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79g65i/a_man_walks_to_a_whore_and_says/
%
A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say-

-A E I O U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79g5wo/a_guy_with_the_nickname_e_saved_my_life_so_now/
%
You need to be able do your shoelaces before you get married.

Otherwise you might struggle to tie the knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79g12m/you_need_to_be_able_do_your_shoelaces_before_you/
%
What is 6.9?

A really great thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79fy6g/what_is_69/
%
Whoever figured out how to use your knuckles to remember the number of days in each month...

...had too much time on their hands...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79fxtf/whoever_figured_out_how_to_use_your_knuckles_to/
%
I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup

It was Won Ton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79fx57/i_ordered_2000_lbs_of_chinese_soup/
%
I was trying to think of a neon pun.

Because I haven't got Ne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79fp75/i_was_trying_to_think_of_a_neon_pun/
%
I asked an exchange student where he was from.

For some reason he just kept saying "you're a guy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79fmoo/i_asked_an_exchange_student_where_he_was_from/
%
Three dudes sneak into a barn

So, three dudes sneak into a barn, and they're forced to sleep on the same haystack.
The morning after, the dude on the left says, "I had a dream that I was getting the best handjob!"
The dude on the right says, "Holy shit, I had the same dream!" The dude in the middle goes,"I dreamt that I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79fmd4/three_dudes_sneak_into_a_barn/
%
A guy and a girl making out

The girl says "put your finger in my pussy" and the guy does. The girl then says "put a second finger" the guy asks "why you gonna whistle?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79flzu/a_guy_and_a_girl_making_out/
%
I was walking past Toys R Us today, when I noticed a really long line outside...

I asked a worker, "What's everyone here for?"
He said, "That's the Barbie queue."
Then, like an fool, I stood in it for forty five minutes waiting for a burger...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79fkzz/i_was_walking_past_toys_r_us_today_when_i_noticed/
%
In a mental hospital, a doctor visited 3 of his patients

he saw patient 1 reading a book and says "Wow, you're improving"
patient 1 says, "I'm just reading a book"
then, he saw patient 2 writing and says "Wow, you're improving too"
patient 2 says, "I'm just writing a poem"
But then, he saw patient 3 sitting on the table
the doctor exclaimed "what are you doing?!"
patient 3 says, "No Doc, I am lamp"
when the doctor dragged patient 3 down the table, he heard patients 1 and 2 shouting:
""WHO THE FUCK TURNED OFF THE LIGHT!""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79fjuz/in_a_mental_hospital_a_doctor_visited_3_of_his/
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A guy in an old, cheap car

Stopped at a gas station beside the latest Mercedes driven by a rich man. The first guy says "that's a nice car you got here, but my car is better". The second guy smiles and asks calmly "and how it is better?" The guy replies "well, my car comes with a genie" the guy with the Mercedes sarcastically asks "a genie?". The guy says "I'll show you" . He opens the driver's door and rubs the steering wheel and a genie appears! The guy asks the genie to get them two coffees and immediately two coffees were there. The Mercedes guy, blown away he says wow! With a face full of unspoken questions, the other guy says you can take my car in exchange for yours. The guy with no thinking says deal. The guy took the newest Mercedes and drives away, the other rushes into the old car, rubbing the steering wheel impatiently until the genie appeared. The guy asks the genie for the latest Mercedes like he had, and 10 million dollars. The genie says "I only make coffees"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79fffc/a_guy_in_an_old_cheap_car/
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Engineer VS Doctor

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ff9m/engineer_vs_doctor/
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I really admire assassins.

Not because of the genius way that they go about their craft, but because they managed to get "ass" in the same word twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79fcgp/i_really_admire_assassins/
%
What Kind of Stories do Cows Tell Their Children at Night?

Dairytales

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79faz5/what_kind_of_stories_do_cows_tell_their_children/
%
When my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed...

My name... my address... my phone number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79f8a3/when_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_everything_changed/
%
You don't want to get busy in an elevator.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
Note: I did check the sub for this joke. Couldn't find it (I admit I didn't search too deep but I hope you enjoy this one).
I apologize in advance if this has been reposted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79f83o/you_dont_want_to_get_busy_in_an_elevator/
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Ah dunna know where ye been nor what ye been up to...

MacTavish is taking a wee nap under a tree when two nuns find him lying there. "Ooh, Sister Catroina, do ye suppose it's true what they say that a Scotsman wears nothin' under his kilty?"
"Well let's have a look, then, aye?" says Sister Moira as she lifts the corner up and covers her mouth to stifle a giggle. "Oh! Tis true! Tis true indeed!"
Sister Catroina thinking to play a wee prank takes a little blue ribbon from her hair and ties it around the sleeping Scotsman's sleeping manhood, "Just to let him know we were here" she giggles quietly.
Sometime later after the Scotsman has resumed his travels and stops to relieve himself he notices the blue ribbon tied around him and says, "I dunna know where ye been nor what ye been up to, but I'm glad t'see ye won first prize!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79f7nk/ah_dunna_know_where_ye_been_nor_what_ye_been_up_to/
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is it crazy how saying sentences backwards . . .

. . .create backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79f54m/is_it_crazy_how_saying_sentences_backwards/
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Why couldn't the skeleton go to the party?

Because he had noBODY to go with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79f2i0/why_couldnt_the_skeleton_go_to_the_party/
%
A man in a trench coat walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building...

He sits at the bar and he orders a double, followed by another, and then another...
Across the bar he notices two gentlemen arguing  back and forth about which one of them is the "bravest"...
The man in the trench coat finishes his third drink and sloshes his way over to the two arguing gentlemen. He says, "Hey fells, I know one way we can settle this... I'll bet you that I can jump out that window and be back before you can finish your drinks. And when I get back, you two will buy me a bottle for my bravery?"
The arguing gentlemen laugh and shake the man's hand, trying to call his bluff... Only to be shocked when he walks over to the window, opens it up and jumps out!
The arguing gentlemen run over to the window in a panic and desperately search the street for what should be a blood splattered spot on the asphalt below, but no such sight is present. As they turn to head back to the bar, the man in the trench coat is seen sitting there picking out the bottle of his choice.
Bewildered and shocked the arguing men pay for the bottle and leave defeated.
The bartender walks over to where the man in the trench coat is sitting and says, "You know, Superman, you can be a real dick when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79f0n1/a_man_in_a_trench_coat_walks_into_a_bar_on_the/
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What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?

The look on their face when your nailing them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79etru/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_jesus/
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A clickbait journalist walks into a bar

You won’t believe what happens next

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79erdq/a_clickbait_journalist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What is a terrorist's favorite thing do while high?

Hijacking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79er3i/what_is_a_terrorists_favorite_thing_do_while_high/
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The number 10210...

Is too intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79eqpk/the_number_10210/
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50 Bucks is 50 Bucks...

Jake and Mabel are a married couple and they are barely scraping by each year. The only time they spend any extra money is when they visit the county fair. Every time they go to the fair, there is a helicopter ride that circles the entire fair.
Jake says to Mabel, “Gee I really wish we could ride that helicopter,” clearly interested in the ride.
Mabel replies, “Well it’s expensive Jake. 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
Many years pass by, and Jake is nearing 75 years old. He and Mabel go to the fair as they usually do, and Jake asks, “Mabel, after all these years I still haven’t gotten to ride on the helicopter. Why can’t we go this year, it may be one of the last times we come.”
Mabel once again replies, “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
Jake sighs and continues walking, until the pilot of the helicopter calls out to them. “Hey, if you two can stay completely silent for the entire flight, I’ll let you ride for free. However, if you say a word, it’s 50 bucks.”
Jake’s eyes widen, and Mabel agrees to finally ride the helicopter. The pilot starts giving them the ride, going in circles and flying around the place. They finally land after an hour, and the pilot asks, “Wow, how’d you manage to keep quiet for the entire flight? I guess you got yourself a free ride.”
“Well,” replied Jake, “I was about to say something when Mabel fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79eo8t/50_bucks_is_50_bucks/
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Ever hear a flatbread sing?

Ever hear a pita wrap?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79emmd/ever_hear_a_flatbread_sing/
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A guy walks into a bar with his monkey.

While at the bar, the monkey won't stop jumping from here and there, messing with the fridge, with the tables, until a moment that he ate a pool ball.
The bartender said to the monkey's owner: did you see what your monkey did? He ate a pool ball.
The guy said: I'm sorry, the monkey is a troublemaker. I'll pay for it, don't worry.
So, he pays the bill and the ball and goes away.
Another day, he comes back with his monkey again. The monkey, as done before, started jumping through the whole bar until a moment that he stopped near an olive plate. He picked one olive, shove it at his ass, took it back and ate it.
The bartender said: hey, did you see what your monkey did? He put an olive in the ass then ate it.
The guy said: well, after that pool ball, he learned to measure everything before eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79em9s/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_monkey/
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Buzzfeed must have been born between May 22nd and June 22nd...

Because it’s definitely a Cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ej6h/buzzfeed_must_have_been_born_between_may_22nd_and/
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Went to a costume party last night

The host asked what I was supposed to be, so I told him I dressed up as a harp. "But your costume is too small to be a harp," he said.
"Are you calling me a lyre?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ef0g/went_to_a_costume_party_last_night/
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Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

Cause they would steal all the boos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ecnn/why_are_ghosts_banned_from_the_liquor_store/
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What is the most populous city in the world?

Rio, it has Brazilians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79e9p8/what_is_the_most_populous_city_in_the_world/
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Where do bees go to learn about pollinating tulips?

PLANT PARENTHOOD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79e8wm/where_do_bees_go_to_learn_about_pollinating_tulips/
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What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a priest?

Alien vs predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79e7dt/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_a_mexican_and_a/
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Why couldn't Big Bird hang out with the sesame street gang?

Because he was ostrich-sized...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79e6p7/why_couldnt_big_bird_hang_out_with_the_sesame/
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This cute vegetarian said she knew me

But I never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79e0kk/this_cute_vegetarian_said_she_knew_me/
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I've always wondered how vegans survived

No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79e0i4/ive_always_wondered_how_vegans_survived/
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Why do frogs like IPAs so much?

Cause of all the hops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79dwti/why_do_frogs_like_ipas_so_much/
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The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of...

Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79dvdv/the_swordfish_has_no_natural_predators_to_be/
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A police officer pulls over a 85-year-old lady

As she's pulling out her license he sees her carry permit and asks if she has any guns in the car.
She says: "yes sir I do, I have a .22 in the glove compartment, a .38 snub-nose in the center console, and .45 under the seat."
The officer is taken back and asks: "Ma'am what are you so afraid of?!?"
She looks him dead in the eye and says: "Not a fucking thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79dqpn/a_police_officer_pulls_over_a_85yearold_lady/
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A salesman knocked on a suburban door...

...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*ck do you think?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79dkep/a_salesman_knocked_on_a_suburban_door/
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Georgie’s Gotta Go

During school one day, Georgie interrupted the teacher as she was talking and said, “Hey teacher, I gotta take a piss!”
Appalled, the teacher replied, “Georgie! We do NOT use that kind of language at school... the appropriate term to use is urinate.” She continued, “When you come to class tomorrow, I want you to demonstrate how to use urinate in a sentence.”
So, the next day comes around and the teacher asks, “So Georgie, do you come up with a sentence using urinate correctly?”
“I sure did!” Georgie replied, “Urinate, but if you had bigger tits you’d be a ten!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79djv5/georgies_gotta_go/
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Sex with me is like reading a book...

I don't stop until I reach the appendix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79df59/sex_with_me_is_like_reading_a_book/
%
A 50 year old women posts a dating ad.

" I need a man who wont beat me, wont leave me, and must be good in bed. Will share all my wealth."
A day later, she hears her door bell ring. To her surprise a man with no legs or arms in a wheel chair greets her.
" this is a joke right? Are you here about the ad?" says the women.
"Yes I am. You need a man who can't beat you, i don't have arms. I can't leave you, I don't have legs."
"That is true." says the women. "Are you at least good in bed?"
"I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79deqe/a_50_year_old_women_posts_a_dating_ad/
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A man sits next to Albert Einstein on a flight

Einstein says to the man, "This will be a long flight, so let's play a game. I will ask you a question and if you cannot answer it you will give me $5. But if you ask me a question that I cannot answer, I will give you $500."
Thinking $100 to $1 is a good deal, the man says "Ok, you go first."
Einstein asks, "How far is the moon from the Earth?"
The man has no idea how far the moon is from the Earth and says, "I do not know the answer, so here is $5," and hands Einstein $5.
"Now it is your turn," Einstein says.
"What goes up the mountain with 3 legs and down the mountain with 4 legs?" asked the man.
Einstein thinks and thinks, but cannot seem to find the answer. Eventually he gives up and says, "I cannot think of the answer, so here is $500" and hands the man $500. "But before I ask my next question, what does go up the mountain with 3 legs and down with 4 legs?"
The man hands Einstein $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79debv/a_man_sits_next_to_albert_einstein_on_a_flight/
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My Doctors surgery called me today to tell me that the print out I received stating I have Blood Type A was incorrect.

They say it was a Type O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79d9a4/my_doctors_surgery_called_me_today_to_tell_me/
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What is a linguist’s favorite kind of beer?

An IPA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79d5y4/what_is_a_linguists_favorite_kind_of_beer/
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A prison van and a cement truck collided

Several hardened criminals escaped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79d5gt/a_prison_van_and_a_cement_truck_collided/
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The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar

It was very tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79d4v3/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
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What’s a couple’s least favorite part of a car?

The third wheel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79d42g/whats_a_couples_least_favorite_part_of_a_car/
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Why were B and D long distance lovers?

Because there was a C between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79d3zp/why_were_b_and_d_long_distance_lovers/
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My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79czx2/my_family_was_being_held_captive_by_a_salad/
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I went to the zoo today and saw a bagel locked up in a cage.

Apparently it was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79cz1f/i_went_to_the_zoo_today_and_saw_a_bagel_locked_up/
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Reposting a joke is like buying a piece of clothing...

you use other people's material to make yourself look good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79cw1e/reposting_a_joke_is_like_buying_a_piece_of/
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Why the Scottish wear kilts?

Because the sheep can hear the zipper from miles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79cv0c/why_the_scottish_wear_kilts/
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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.
"Me too," says the ostrich.
The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62."
Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79cur1/a_guy_walks_into_a_restaurant_with_a_fullgrown/
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I told my friend we should go out and pick up some chicks

He asked, "What about your wife?"
I replied "Nah, she's married"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ctir/i_told_my_friend_we_should_go_out_and_pick_up/
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Two introverts walk into a bar...

They don't say anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79crbl/two_introverts_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79cqy6/what_do_pink_floyd_and_dale_earnhardt_have_in/
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A meteor shower destroyed the Red Cross headquarters.

All Perseids went to charity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79cp9g/a_meteor_shower_destroyed_the_red_cross/
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and peeping Tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches
my first gold! Thank you kind stranger. I do like gold even though it gives me a gilt complex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79cn18/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and/
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"What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?"

"A Seat Belt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ckxj/what_gets_longer_if_pulled_fits_snugly_between/
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A programmer walks into a bar

Wait, do programmers have enough time to go to a bar?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79cfyh/a_programmer_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do you protect yourself from gamma rays and x-rays?

You don't bomb pearl harbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79cf18/how_do_you_protect_yourself_from_gamma_rays_and/
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Why don't I have sex with disabled chicks?

I'll fuck anything that walks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ccc2/why_dont_i_have_sex_with_disabled_chicks/
%
My friend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it...

We went out and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ca4m/my_friend_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out_instead_of/
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What do you get if you squeeze a synagogue?

Juice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79c4nk/what_do_you_get_if_you_squeeze_a_synagogue/
%
What's the difference between an umpire and an empire?

An umpire gives three strikes, but an Empire Strikes Back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79c1t5/whats_the_difference_between_an_umpire_and_an/
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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar with a handful of fresh dog manure and says to the bartender, "Look what I almost stepped in."
(from Garrison Keillor)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79c1ha/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Use 'Timbuktu' in a sentence

A poetry contest had come down to two semi-finalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck. They were given a word, then allowed a minute to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu.
The crowd loved it! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three sluts in a pop-up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Tim bucked two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79c09o/use_timbuktu_in_a_sentence/
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How do you spot an impotent guy at a nude beach?

It’s not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79c02y/how_do_you_spot_an_impotent_guy_at_a_nude_beach/
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Assist is 50% the letter "S"...

The rest are just there to help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79by9z/assist_is_50_the_letter_s/
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dirty johnny and sex ed

dirty johnny and his friends were enrolled in sex education. during the lecture, the teacher kept referring to a "penis". it was "penis" this and "penis" that. the class behaved as if it understood. immediately following class, all the students gathered around dirty johnny. "johnny,
what's a penis?" nobody had a clue. dirty johnny said he would ask his dad when he got home. when dirty johnny got home, his dad was there. "dad, what's a 'penis'?" his father unzips his pants, shows johnny his dick and says, "this is a perfect penis." johnny replied, "thanks, dad. i'll tell my friends tomorrow in school." the next day, all the students gathered around. "what did your dad say, dirty johnny?" johnny promptly unzips his pants and shows all his classmates his dick. "this is a penis. and if it were two inches shorter, it would be the perfect penis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79bx2s/dirty_johnny_and_sex_ed/
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Paying for porn is like paying for a prostitute

Except much more sad because you're alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79bwut/paying_for_porn_is_like_paying_for_a_prostitute/
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If I own a bakery in France...

am I the master of pain?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79bwc1/if_i_own_a_bakery_in_france/
%
What do you call a group of slutty women?

A whorde

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79btng/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_slutty_women/
%
I was nervous no one would come to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting...

Luckily, everyone came earlier than expected!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79bqyp/i_was_nervous_no_one_would_come_to_the_premature/
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What went wrong with the feminist picnic?

No one made the sandwiches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79bq8a/what_went_wrong_with_the_feminist_picnic/
%
Seriously do not mess with a marathoner

They run the streets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79bpda/seriously_do_not_mess_with_a_marathoner/
%
If god hates gays

why did he make them so damn cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79bnwx/if_god_hates_gays/
%
What do you call a black man driving a brand new Corvette?

A fortunate human being, you racist prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79bnbn/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_driving_a_brand_new/
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Ever had to force your dog into taking their medication?

It's the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know you're up to something. So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they don't bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes. But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79bmtk/ever_had_to_force_your_dog_into_taking_their/
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Boomerangs

They're like frisbees, but for lonely kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79bkjt/boomerangs/
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A computer is wheeled into a bar

It says, ”01101000 01110100 01110100 01110000 01110011 00111010 00101111 00101111 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110100 01110101 00101110 01100010 01100101 00101111 01100100 01010001 01110111 00110100 01110111 00111001 01010111 01100111 01011000 01100011 01010001.”
&nbsp;
It gets thrown out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79bifk/a_computer_is_wheeled_into_a_bar/
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For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79bam8/for_halloween_im_dressing_up_as_a_plate/
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A teenager and his friend are sitting together, playing a game

The teenager asked his friend, "why do people type 'f' whenever something tragic happens on the internet?" His friend says, "people sometimes press 'f' to show respect." The teenager says, "well then, f you." His friend smiles and says, "f you too, man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ba35/a_teenager_and_his_friend_are_sitting_together/
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You have a pumpkin.

You measure around it. All the way around.
Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.
Measure across the cut pumpkin.
Divide the circumference by the diameter.
What do you have now?
Pumpkin Pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79b96w/you_have_a_pumpkin/
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I know federal prosecutors have a 99% conviction rate. But I'm a little nervous.

Because Trump picked his cabinet from the 1%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79b96b/i_know_federal_prosecutors_have_a_99_conviction/
%
76% of horses prefer running to walking ...

According to a recent gallop poll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79b8zk/76_of_horses_prefer_running_to_walking/
%
What'd the cold prisoner do when the female guard came to his cell?

Shiv 'er.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79b88q/whatd_the_cold_prisoner_do_when_the_female_guard/
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Why does a cow have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79b4qd/why_does_a_cow_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79b3cs/a_cop_pulls_a_car_over_for_going_20_mph_on_the/
%
Sex is like Christmas.

I get excited way too early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79b1lk/sex_is_like_christmas/
%
I was at a party and someone decided it was a good idea to put the drinks on the ground in a single row??

Seriously, I almost missed the punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79b0h5/i_was_at_a_party_and_someone_decided_it_was_a/
%
My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with

"Only with you babe..." I replied
"Awww, really?"
"...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79axjl/my_girlfriend_asked_me_with_how_many_girls_ive/
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A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...

And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79axbf/a_man_has_lost_his_wife_in_a_supermarket/
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Yoda is a terrible navigator

"Yoda, are we going the right way?"
Yoda replied
"off course, we are"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79awz9/yoda_is_a_terrible_navigator/
%
Every time I go through a fast food window

They hand me my food and say “sorry about the weight.” I know I could lose a few pounds but this is just rude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79auzk/every_time_i_go_through_a_fast_food_window/
%
Have you heard that a viagra shipment has gone missing?

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79auzm/have_you_heard_that_a_viagra_shipment_has_gone/
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How do you call an unexpected Chinese guy?

Sudden-Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79asey/how_do_you_call_an_unexpected_chinese_guy/
%
A blind man walks into a fishing district

He says, “Hey Ladies.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79armu/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_fishing_district/
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I was offered a construction job in Egypt this morning.

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79andb/i_was_offered_a_construction_job_in_egypt_this/
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I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend.

She was seeing other people on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79alrp/i_broke_up_with_my_crosseyed_girlfriend/
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A painter falls into a tank and drowns

A painter was doing a contract for a brewing company to paint the brewing shop. He sets his ladder over this open tank filled with 3000L of beer.
He didn’t secure his ladder properly, and so it slips and he falls into this massive tank. Only one option, DRINK!! So he chugs and chugs trying to come out alive.
Worst of events happen and the police come to bring the news to the now widowed wife. “Miss, we are sorry to tell you but your husband has drowned after he fell into a massive tank at the brewing company that he was painting.”
Sobbing, the wife asks: “What a tragedy 😭. But tell me please, did he suffer?”
The policeman responds: “We do not believe so, he came out 3 times to take a piss before he drowned.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ales/a_painter_falls_into_a_tank_and_drowns/
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My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby.

Apparently they meant from the outside...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79aldc/my_friends_girlfriend_is_6_months_pregnant_they/
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Curious Little Johnny

asks his Grandpa, "Do you still have sex with Grandma?"
"Yes son, but only oral sex."
"What is that?"
"I say fuck you, she says fuck you too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79akhj/curious_little_johnny/
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I was so desperate to fix a problem...

That I looked on the second page of Google to find the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79aioc/i_was_so_desperate_to_fix_a_problem/
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If I were a soup.

I'd be cold soup
Because no-one wants to blow me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79aig8/if_i_were_a_soup/
%
A research team asked a group of drug addicts who their favorite superhero was..

Oddly enough, almost all of them said Wonder Woman. The research team doesn't really know why, I guess they're just big fans of the heroine...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ahz8/a_research_team_asked_a_group_of_drug_addicts_who/
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I went to get my haircut and told the barber not to take too much off.

He only took off his trousers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79ae8l/i_went_to_get_my_haircut_and_told_the_barber_not/
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How can you tell the difference between Japanese people and other Asian people?

Use a Geiger counter
*Credit: my friend who has a lot of dark humour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79adv9/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_japanese/
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Becoming a vegetarian...

.....Is a big missed steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79a8mv/becoming_a_vegetarian/
%
I didn't know what to wear to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting...

So I just came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79a539/i_didnt_know_what_to_wear_to_the_premature/
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How does Nicolas Cage answer his phone?

"Yes, I'll do your movie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79a3lh/how_does_nicolas_cage_answer_his_phone/
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My wife fucked me with a leather jacket on.

I've never had so many cows on top of me at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79a3it/my_wife_fucked_me_with_a_leather_jacket_on/
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How do you call a man without balls?

Doesn't matter, he wont come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79a3fm/how_do_you_call_a_man_without_balls/
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ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79a34m/adult/
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My girlfriend said we should sit in the bath with candles.

I said, "Water would probably make more sense."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79a1c6/my_girlfriend_said_we_should_sit_in_the_bath_with/
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Who will have child's custody

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/799xqp/who_will_have_childs_custody/
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What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/799tk6/what_does_the_apple_user_do_when_he_wants_to/
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A daily exercise routine..

..is like a drug. I avoid drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/799r00/a_daily_exercise_routine/
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What's the difference between Tiger Woods and an amateur golfer?

Only one of them gets convicted for reckless driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/799qnq/whats_the_difference_between_tiger_woods_and_an/
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Rectum Stretcher

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the fuck do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/799pvj/rectum_stretcher/
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Copper is the only element that have eyes

Becuase it can Cu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/799pb8/copper_is_the_only_element_that_have_eyes/
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My scout friend recently passed away. He died doing what he loved

Tying knots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/799o7l/my_scout_friend_recently_passed_away_he_died/
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"Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. What do you suggest?"

"Pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/799nmd/doctor_every_time_i_sneeze_i_have_an_orgasm_what/
%
I asked god for a bike

, But god doesn't work that way. So i stole a bike and asked for forgiveness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/799kxp/i_asked_god_for_a_bike/
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Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/799kpr/mr_smith_goes_to_the_doctors_office_to_collect/
%
I’m a virgin by choice...

Not my choice, but everyone else’s...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/799hnk/im_a_virgin_by_choice/
%
Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, We need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.
You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!
I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/799hht/fuck_cheesy_chatup_lines_we_need_better_breakup/
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What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed?

I don't wanna be Obama self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/799fu1/what_did_barack_obama_say_to_michelle_when_he/
%
The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most

Britain is in the lead, but America has A Trump card

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/799ftd/the_united_states_and_britain_are_having_a/
%
A barber in my town just got arrested for dealing drugs and I've been his customer for years...

I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7998l4/a_barber_in_my_town_just_got_arrested_for_dealing/
%
Imagine a pair of breast carved in a tree

It would be weird, wooden tit ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79971p/imagine_a_pair_of_breast_carved_in_a_tree/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, an Israeli, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.

The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he climbs onto a small platform and says, “can you all see me now?” They respond,
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Ken”
“Si”
“Ja”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7996d5/an_englishman_a_frenchman_an_israeli_a_spaniard/
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If you ever miss 4:20 just wait untill 4:22 because...

4:22 is 4:20 too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7992x8/if_you_ever_miss_420_just_wait_untill_422_because/
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As a man: never raise your hand to a child.

It leaves your balls unprotected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7992oo/as_a_man_never_raise_your_hand_to_a_child/
%
So I saw a study online...

Apparently a bunch of crows have been dying lately. One ornithologist linked their deaths to vehicles, whether it's them running into the vehicle, or the crows not moving out of the way.
An ornithologist for one university actually took it further, he wanted to know whether the majority of deaths were caused by trucks or by cars. The research showed that about 95% of the deaths were caused by trucks and 5% were by cars.
The study showed that most drivers in cars were actually able to avoid the crows, while trucks had trouble doing so. This is because crows at the last second were able to yell out "Cah Cah" but no crow could yell out "Truck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/798zqo/so_i_saw_a_study_online/
%
Why did the scarecrow win the award?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/798vto/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_award/
%
What's the definition of a "good buddy"?

Someone who will go into town and get two blowjobs, then come back and give you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/798ioy/whats_the_definition_of_a_good_buddy/
%
All the screaming kids at work today, really made me miss the good old days.

Back when they would work a 9-5 down at the local iron mill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/798i6l/all_the_screaming_kids_at_work_today_really_made/
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How do you make 5 pounds of fat look great?

Add a nipple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/798h46/how_do_you_make_5_pounds_of_fat_look_great/
%
A man goes to a brothel.

Broke, he ask for their cheapest pricing. The madam respond, "there's a girl who will go for $30."
The man opens his wallet, revealing just a couple dusty coins. Reluctantly he says, "Any cheaper?"
"Well there is... just one. It might not be the best but she goes for $1.25."
The man pays and enters the room, closing the door behind him. He then sees the form of a young lady eagle spread on the bed. The man takes off his pants, and dives right in, pushing against her plump tight skin.
Mid way through, he notices that that a white liquid began seeping from her eyes, nose, and mouth, trickling into a small puddle on the sheets. Something was wrong, but it was too good so he kept going. A couple seconds later, every thrust seemed to squeeze more of the fluid out. Her skin seemed looser now...
"Stay right here." He jumped out of bed and went to get the Madame.
"What's wrong with that one?" The madam asked clearly annoyed.
"I DON'T KNOW!" The man retorts, "we were having sex, she wasn't responding, she started leaking and foaming everywhere... I think my big dick caused her to have a stroke!"
The madam curses under her breath and then presses a button at her desk where a maintenance man suddenly appears from a different room. The madam then says "Charlie, you gotta empty the dead one, she's full again".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/798gx8/a_man_goes_to_a_brothel/
%
I accidentally washed my cameras memory card.

Thankfully it still works but now all my images are watermarked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/798dx9/i_accidentally_washed_my_cameras_memory_card/
%
My girlfriend is so smart

I called her from my friends phone and when she answered she said “hey babe what’s up?” How did she know it was me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/798c9f/my_girlfriend_is_so_smart/
%
When you get takeout and they give you 2 sets of utensils...

They're trying to tell you that your order is a meal for 2, fat-ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7989p8/when_you_get_takeout_and_they_give_you_2_sets_of/
%
What is the safest place to get shot?

A hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79897f/what_is_the_safest_place_to_get_shot/
%
Just one, but be careful, or this could get weird

How many time travelers does it take to change a light bulb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7988pw/just_one_but_be_careful_or_this_could_get_weird/
%
Studies show that 98.9% of men masturbate

The rest don't have arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7986yp/studies_show_that_989_of_men_masturbate/
%
I had a really chatty Uber driver today...

He kept saying stuff like, "Who are you and why are you in my car?" and "Please get out or I'll call the cops."
5 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/798560/i_had_a_really_chatty_uber_driver_today/
%
Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7984xh/whenever_i_see_a_commercial_with_a_woman_looking/
%
What does it mean when it hurts to pee?

Urine trouble!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7983qy/what_does_it_mean_when_it_hurts_to_pee/
%
A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**
He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that he found him on. The next town wasn’t for miles, so he’d have to stay the night under this tree if he didn’t find a ride.
Just as things were looking grim, he catches a light moving slowly towards him. He’s saved!
Desperate for a ride, he jumps into the vehicle once it stops for him. Once in, he turned to the driver seat to say thanks, and only then did he realize then moving car had no driver. The rain was so heavy, he couldn’t even hear the sound of the engine as the car slowly continued it’s journey.
The lad was too scared to move, too afraid to jump out of the car and run. Seeing the car was coming to a sharp bend that lead down to dark water, he began to pray for his life. He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the river, where he would surely drown!
Right before the car made it to the bend, a shadowy hand reached in through the driver side window and turned the wheel, guiding the car around the bend, thus avoiding a wet demise for the lad. Just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.
Paralyzed with fear, the lad watched the hand reappear every time they reached a bend. Finally, scared to near death, he’d had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran towards the first town he could find.
Wet and in shock, he went into the nearest bar and told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped the room and everybody got goosebumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth about the stange car and the ghostly hand that guided it on its way.
Just then, two men walked into the bar. They were dripping wet and as they took off their rain gear, they looked around the room. Their eyes came to rest on the hitchhiker. They pointed at him ominously, and he feared they were ghosts come to get him.
“Look!” said one of the men, “There’s the idiot who jumped into our car when we were pushing it in the rain.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7980uz/a_lad_was_on_his_way_to_visit_his_friend_whilst/
%
How does a racist joke start?

With a small loan of a million dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/797ywt/how_does_a_racist_joke_start/
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I heard /r/Jokes likes puns, so I posted ten of them, hoping at least one would reach the front page

no pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/797xyn/i_heard_rjokes_likes_puns_so_i_posted_ten_of_them/
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Son: Am I adopted?

Dad: No son. We haven't found anyone who wants you yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/797xx4/son_am_i_adopted/
%
Sailor with a Small Head

One day, a man sees a sailor walking around, and he notices that the sailor has a very small head.
The man asks the sailor, "Why is your head so small?" The sailor replies, "When I was sailing, I saw a beautiful mermaid, and she said she would grant me one wish. And you know what, I thought about it for a while, until a brilliant idea struck. I went over to the mermaid, and asked, 'How about a little head?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/797vcd/sailor_with_a_small_head/
%
Walk with Pride

A man moves from Scotland to the US and attends his first baseball game. After a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run! Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman  stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent:  "R-r-r-un, yah bloody bahstard.   R-r-run!"
A third batter cracks a hard liner and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams,  "RRRun, yah bloody bahstard, rrrrun, why don't ya???"
The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the umpire calls,"Take your base."  The Scotsman stands up, yelling,  "RRRun, ya bahstard, rrrun!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly so he sits down, very much confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
The Scotsman stands up in disbelief and shouts, "Wahlk with  prrrride, man!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/797szx/walk_with_pride/
%
all cats are communist

they just wont stop talking about mao.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/797qp2/all_cats_are_communist/
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What do you call a mouse on 2 legs

Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/797ns9/what_do_you_call_a_mouse_on_2_legs/
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About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.

After that, he went down hill fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/797lvv/about_a_month_before_he_died_my_uncle_had_his/
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[NSFW] WHERE do cousins come from?

Ant Holes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/797g62/nsfw_where_do_cousins_come_from/
%
Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/797fs9/casting_dwayne_johnson_in_a_movie_is_a_bold/
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What do you call a gay guy in a life jacket?

Flambuoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/797dvt/what_do_you_call_a_gay_guy_in_a_life_jacket/
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I went to the deli and ordered a pepperoni

The cashier asked me if I wanted it sliced.
I asked "What do you think my ass is, a piggy bank?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/797b8h/i_went_to_the_deli_and_ordered_a_pepperoni/
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A UN case worker nsfw

A UN case worker was working several villages in sub Saharan Africa. There was a problem, the villagers were having too many children! So the case worker delivers a case of condoms to one village and explains to the chief that they must where the condoms and it would prevent pregnancy.
The case worker visited two months later and was horrified to find the Chief's wife was pregnant so he asked the chief what happened and the chief replied:
"I put the condom and didn't take it off, just like you said. But after the third day I had to piss so bad so I just cut the tip"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/797avo/a_un_case_worker_nsfw/
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My snail entered a race, I took off his shell to make him faster. But It backfired.

If anything it made him more sluggish...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79781r/my_snail_entered_a_race_i_took_off_his_shell_to/
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I met a giant pickle today.

It was kind of a big dill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7977ka/i_met_a_giant_pickle_today/
%
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men want a bigger penis...

Well, not me.
Even the little ones hurt when they go in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7977k6/studies_show_that_4_out_of_5_men_want_a_bigger/
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My parents and I came to the US from Germany when I was a little girl.

They didn't speak much English, but were experienced educators back home. One winter, they decided to open a tutoring/ study session program to help students stay productive and focus over the break. It wasn't until after a flood of angry phone calls and visitors that we realized that "Concentration Camp" was not an ideal program name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796won/my_parents_and_i_came_to_the_us_from_germany_when/
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Why did aliens vote for Bernie Sanders?

Universal Healthcare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796usl/why_did_aliens_vote_for_bernie_sanders/
%
What does a Japanese bakery thief say?

"I Tokyo cookie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796ng6/what_does_a_japanese_bakery_thief_say/
%
Why do Arabs wear buttoned clothes?

Because goats can hear zippers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796n0z/why_do_arabs_wear_buttoned_clothes/
%
Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired?

She couldn’t control her pupils

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796ktd/why_did_the_crosseyed_teacher_get_fired/
%
When my girlfriend says, "Unlock your phone. I need to check something." I just look at her crazy.

I don't even let my wife do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796ket/when_my_girlfriend_says_unlock_your_phone_i_need/
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As a child, I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen...

Onions was a good dog :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796j4g/as_a_child_i_always_cried_when_my_dad_was_cutting/
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How does an astronaut get their baby to sleep?

They rocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796j35/how_does_an_astronaut_get_their_baby_to_sleep/
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The next person

that asks me for a pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade and a slice of orange in the same cup is gonna get a punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796iaq/the_next_person/
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What do you call it when someone lies about committing suicide?

Fake noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796dv4/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_lies_about/
%
What's black and eats pussy?

Cervical cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796cyr/whats_black_and_eats_pussy/
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What do you call a gangster horse?

Alcapony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796btd/what_do_you_call_a_gangster_horse/
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Catalonia declared independence. What now?

Everybody expects the Spanish imposition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796bne/catalonia_declared_independence_what_now/
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Back in the day, I 'member me and my mom going to the store with two dollars in her purse and coming back with a big bag of spuds, two loaves of bread, a pound of cheese, three gallons of milk, half a dozen eggs and coffee…

You can't do that anymore…too many security cameras…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796b8g/back_in_the_day_i_member_me_and_my_mom_going_to/
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A rough and tough cowboy

just finished his drink in an Old Western tavern. He stood up and walked outside, but a few seconds later he barreled back through the door.
With a mean look on his face and anger in his eyes, he said, "I'm gonna sit back down and have me another drink, and if my horse ain't back where I left it by the time I'm done, I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Texas. And I REALLY don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!" So he sat back down, finished his second drink, and walked back outside. Sure enough, his horse was tied back up to its post, just where he left it. But right before he left, one of the scared patrons stopped him, and timidly asked,
"Mister...what was it that you had to do back in Texas?"
So the cowboy looked him straight in the eye and said,
"I had to walk home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/796ak6/a_rough_and_tough_cowboy/
%
Yet another job Interview joke

Interviewer: So what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Candidate: I never know when to quit.
Interviewer: Well that can always be turned to our advantage! Congratulations, you're hired.
Candidate: *I quit*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7967db/yet_another_job_interview_joke/
%
Never accept anything from a will

It’s a dead giveaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7966lg/never_accept_anything_from_a_will/
%
A man and his wife...

A man and his wife are making the long drive back to their rural farm late one wintry evening. While still some distance from home, a mother skunk and her kit dart in front of the car, and unfortunately, the mother skunk is killed instantly. The wife insists that her husband stop the car, which he does. After searching for the baby skunk for some time, she locates and retrieves the kit and returns to the heated car, thankful for the warmth. However, the kit is noticably shivering.
"Oh, dear! This poor thing is freezing! What can we do to warm it up?" she asks.
"Welp... I reckon you could put it under your dress, between your knees, and let your body heat warm it up."
Concerned, she asks "Yes, but what about the smell?"
"I expect You could hold its little nose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79633k/a_man_and_his_wife/
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Why do people think its a good idea to buy natural products?

After all, isn't the leading reason for deaths "natural causes"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7962zd/why_do_people_think_its_a_good_idea_to_buy/
%
So there was a tribal chief who decided he needed the biggest hut in the village...

so he gathered the grass he needed and built the only two story hut in the village. He placed his throne on the second story and held audiences there. One night while he slept the throne fell through the floor and crushed his head. The moral of this story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7960ub/so_there_was_a_tribal_chief_who_decided_he_needed/
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I've been so stressed lately. I've been doing that Chinese remedy, with the needles

You know, Heroin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/795von/ive_been_so_stressed_lately_ive_been_doing_that/
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Student walks into professor's office

She  says, "I'm just not doing very well in your class.  I was wondering if there was anything I could do to raise my grade?"
The professor looks her up and down and asks, "What are you willing to do to raise your grade?"
"I'd do *anything*," she answers coyly,  playing with her hair.
"Anything?"
"*Anything*!" she repeats with a knowing grin.
"Would you....study?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/795snf/student_walks_into_professors_office/
%
Why don't chickens wear underwear?

Because their pecker is on their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/795pv5/why_dont_chickens_wear_underwear/
%
What do you get when a dinosaur scores a touchdown?

A dino-score.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/795pmd/what_do_you_get_when_a_dinosaur_scores_a_touchdown/
%
I try working out by lifting dictionaries...

I've been told that's how you get definition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/795pcf/i_try_working_out_by_lifting_dictionaries/
%
Which Halloween costume has the hardest time getting to third base?

The Headless horseman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/795oh2/which_halloween_costume_has_the_hardest_time/
%
My wife, I'd like to have sex with her

But she is already married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/795nlz/my_wife_id_like_to_have_sex_with_her/
%
Why is it dangerous to drive near churches?

Because there is so much cross traffic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/795ksu/why_is_it_dangerous_to_drive_near_churches/
%
Why do graveyards have fences?

People are dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/795jvp/why_do_graveyards_have_fences/
%
When you’ve seen one shopping center

You’ve seen a mall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/795j3h/when_youve_seen_one_shopping_center/
%
I have an unopened pack of gum from 1993

You could even say it's in...
..mint condition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/795gwu/i_have_an_unopened_pack_of_gum_from_1993/
%
What do you call haunted yogurt?

Paranormal Activia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7954b3/what_do_you_call_haunted_yogurt/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in the trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/794veo/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_the_trees/
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What does the spruce goose and my ex-wife have in common?

They've both got a gigantic cockpit. Fuckin whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/794ubh/what_does_the_spruce_goose_and_my_exwife_have_in/
%
What do you call a Mormon gynecologist?

A Box Elder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/794u70/what_do_you_call_a_mormon_gynecologist/
%
Me and my wife were happy for 28 years..

And then we met each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/794tge/me_and_my_wife_were_happy_for_28_years/
%
A man goes to the doctor

"What should I do doc?"
Asked the patient
"Well" said the doctor, "you need to stop masturbating"
"Stop masturbating? Why?"
"Because I'm trying to do a physical"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/794qbe/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What do you call a baby born in a whore house?

A brothel sprout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/794q9w/what_do_you_call_a_baby_born_in_a_whore_house/
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I had a job interview earlier today and the boss asked me, “What would you say is one of your biggest character flaws?”

I said, ‘Well I can be brutally honest at times.’ And the boss said, “No way! I think that’s a wonderful asset actually.”
And I said, ‘I really don’t give a fuck what you think.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/794pa1/i_had_a_job_interview_earlier_today_and_the_boss/
%
An old man goes into the brothel

He asks for a blowjob, gets it, and leaves unsatisfied after 30 minutes as he couldn't get an erection.
A week later he does the same again. And this repeats week for week.
The fifth time the prostitute asks: "Why are you doing this? You could spare the money as you clearly can't get an erection anymore at your age!"
He replies: "I knew this from the beginning, but I'm not able to clean it anymore by myself".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/794ot9/an_old_man_goes_into_the_brothel/
%
What do you call a woodland creature that takes your car without your permission?

Common deer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/794kry/what_do_you_call_a_woodland_creature_that_takes/
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The creator of Mad Libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/794klq/the_creator_of_mad_libs_died_this_week/
%
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals.

The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take zee sword."
The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
[gbwl]The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please."
The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at himself, says, "God save the queen!" and shoots.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."
The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over; it's horrible!
The chief is appalled, and asks, "What in the world are you doing?"
The New Yorker says, "So much for your stupid canoe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/794fsv/a_frenchman_an_englishman_and_a_new_yorker_are/
%
My neighbors listen to good music every night.

Whether they want to hear it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/794eg4/my_neighbors_listen_to_good_music_every_night/
%
You know, they say you are what you eat....

I'm definitely a human.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/794cab/you_know_they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
Why didn't Jason wear his hockey mask for Halloween?

Because you don't wear white after Labor Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7949um/why_didnt_jason_wear_his_hockey_mask_for_halloween/
%
Trampolines used to be called jumpolines

But then your mom jumped on one back in 1972

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7945hx/trampolines_used_to_be_called_jumpolines/
%
A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table..

drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.
The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."
The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7944zq/a_mathematician_and_an_engineer_are_sitting_at_a/
%
I once opened a pub in hopes of serving people alcohol. But no one could see over the counter.

I guess I set the bar too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7943pk/i_once_opened_a_pub_in_hopes_of_serving_people/
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A Married Man Walks into a Brothel..... NSFW

A man gets dropped off by his wife at a brothel, and when he walks in he asks for the biggest black woman that madam has available.
The Madam proceeds to offer the man his pick of any young, gorgeous, and skinny women.  But he insists on a large black woman.
The madam eventually sends the man upstairs to the fourth door on the left.
When he walks in, he sees a black woman who is pushing 400lbs.  She has smile on her face and asks the man what is his pleasure.
He takes his coat off, and demands the woman take off all her clothes and lay on her back.  She does as he requests.  He then asks her to spread her legs far.  She starts to feel excited as she spreads her legs open as far as they go.
Now, he demands her to spread those beautiful pink lips.  She does as he asks, and smiles in anticipation of what is to come.
The man picks up his coat, puts in on and pays the woman for her time.  Just as he is about to leave the brothel, the black woman has come down the stairs, and along with the madam, demand what his intentions were.
He turns around, and said "My wife wants to paint our house brown with pink shutters.  I just wanted to see what it would look like before we did the job"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7942eh/a_married_man_walks_into_a_brothel_nsfw/
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What's the difference between....

... oral sex and anal sex?
One will make your whole day, the other will make your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/794115/whats_the_difference_between/
%
My wife has the body of a sixteen-year-old girl.

She keeps it in the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793wlr/my_wife_has_the_body_of_a_sixteenyearold_girl/
%
When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo,

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793w1v/when_my_wife_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a/
%
I, for one, love roman numerals

The punchline is the tittle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793uoi/i_for_one_love_roman_numerals/
%
How many sheep do I have?

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "If I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my dog back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793rd9/how_many_sheep_do_i_have/
%
How did Harry Potter go down the hill

Walking
JK Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793pxp/how_did_harry_potter_go_down_the_hill/
%
His punchlines are before his questions.

How do you spot a time traveler?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793mzk/his_punchlines_are_before_his_questions/
%
A hot girl asked me whether I wanted to see a movie.

She said, "Which movie would you like to see?".
I said, "You pick".
She said, "No you pick".
I said, "I don't care, you pick".
She said, "Please decide fast sir, there are other people waiting to buy tickets".
[A forward that I received from my SO today]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793mn4/a_hot_girl_asked_me_whether_i_wanted_to_see_a/
%
What’s the difference between me and a pigeon?

The pigeon can put a deposit on a Porsche!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793jez/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_pigeon/
%
Son says to father

“Daddy i don’t need glasses when I’m near you.”
“How son?”
“When I’m with you, I have super-vision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793ggt/son_says_to_father/
%
What did the food critic say after trying the Wookiee?

“That was a bit Chewie”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793dyu/what_did_the_food_critic_say_after_trying_the/
%
A man goes to a house of ill repute

He knocks on the door and a woman opens the peephole door, "Yes?" The man says "I'd like to get fucked." The woman replies "Okay just slip me 100 dollars through the peephole." He does and sits outside waiting. Nothing happens, he beats on the door. The woman opens the peephole door, "Yes?" The man shouts "I WANT TO GET FUCKED!" "Again?" the woman replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793awk/a_man_goes_to_a_house_of_ill_repute/
%
Communist jokes are not funny....

Unless Everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793855/communist_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
Santa Claus is such and arsehole

He know where all the naughty girls are, but doesn't tell anyone else.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79378e/santa_claus_is_such_and_arsehole/
%
A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.
He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793751/a_106yearold_cowboy_in_texas_recently_passed_away/
%
Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...

One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.
The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".
The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7936wy/two_crazy_people_are_by_the_pool_in_an_asylum/
%
I finally got to have a conversation with an Italian chef

It was about thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793636/i_finally_got_to_have_a_conversation_with_an/
%
What's green and has cum in it?

Cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7931r0/whats_green_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
How does a programmer undress his girlfriend?

gf.getString();

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/793039/how_does_a_programmer_undress_his_girlfriend/
%
CNN recently released Suggestive photos of U.S. President Donald Trump

His first comments on the shocking reveal were the following: “Fake Nudes”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/792v6s/cnn_recently_released_suggestive_photos_of_us/
%
As a child, I was forced to walk the plank...

We couldn't afford a dog...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/792ujc/as_a_child_i_was_forced_to_walk_the_plank/
%
Just went to the store and bought a pack of energy saving light bulbs...

As the woman scanned them, she asked, "Will you be putting these up yourself, sir?"
"'Erm, no." I replied. "What kind of sicko do you think I am?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/792pne/just_went_to_the_store_and_bought_a_pack_of/
%
A lot of women are turning into good drivers.

So, if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/792o4u/a_lot_of_women_are_turning_into_good_drivers/
%
Did you hear the one about the deaf guy?

He didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/792nfx/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_deaf_guy/
%
A friend challenged me to a competition to see which one of us could steal the most accessories from the local pet shop.

I just took the lead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/792neb/a_friend_challenged_me_to_a_competition_to_see/
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Who's in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/792jxh/whos_in_charge/
%
Left my wife polishing my chainmail while I went to the pub

She said she wanted a night in, shining armour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/792hcd/left_my_wife_polishing_my_chainmail_while_i_went/
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Guido the Italian

A virile, young Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment &, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her & the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly & there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends &, again, Guido smiles & asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him & softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing & ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly & asked again, You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,
"No, I Norwegian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/792gsa/guido_the_italian/
%
I actually wanted to post a time traveling joke

but you guys didn't like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/792gkg/i_actually_wanted_to_post_a_time_traveling_joke/
%
I have a lot of jokes about being jobless

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/792gf2/i_have_a_lot_of_jokes_about_being_jobless/
%
Two cows

were talking in a field.
"Aren't you worried about this Mad Cow Disease that's going round?"
"No", said the other. "I'm a goat".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/792cat/two_cows/
%
A man is stuck in a traffic jam

A man is struck in a traffic jam
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom.
Otherwise, they are gong to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, and collection donations.
How much is everyone giving, an on average? the driver asks....
The man replied, "Roughly 2 liters"
*Edit 1 : I apologise for any grammatical errors. English is not my 1st language.
*Edit 2 : Wow! Thanks for the upvotes guys! I really appreciate it. Also this is my most upvoted post ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/792c7a/a_man_is_stuck_in_a_traffic_jam/
%
American Tourist

An American tourist is visiting Poland by himself. One of the things he hopes to see there is the drinking capabilities of an average pole, in order to accomplish his task he walks into a bar and shouts while saving a $100 bill and a bottle of vodka "anyone that can drink this whole bottle of vodka will receive this bill". The bar falls silent and only mumbling and whispering can be heard. The bar then returns to it's normal noise level, however one thing is a weird. A young male just walked out of the bar and then returned a minute later. He then approaches the American and says "Okay friend. I do it." He grabs the bottle off the table and downs it like it's nothing. The American is astonished he can't believe what just happened. He hands the Polish man the $100 and says "That was amazing!!! I can't believe it, but I have a question, why did you walk out of the bar when I proposed the bet?" The Polish man then replies "I had to see if I could do it so I tried outside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7929zm/american_tourist/
%
Don’t ever take sleeping pills and laxatives at the same time...

Because if you do, you’ll sleep like a baby...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7929u9/dont_ever_take_sleeping_pills_and_laxatives_at/
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I once Googled, "How to commit murder and get away with it"...

The first result was, "Don't Google how to commit murder and get away with it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7928om/i_once_googled_how_to_commit_murder_and_get_away/
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My girlfriend is at the barber.

She is dying to get a new hair color.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7928nb/my_girlfriend_is_at_the_barber/
%
My friend told me that he kicked a midget in the balls

I replied 'Oh, that's low.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7925u6/my_friend_told_me_that_he_kicked_a_midget_in_the/
%
You can never trust atoms

They make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79230g/you_can_never_trust_atoms/
%
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

No body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79215h/who_won_the_skeleton_beauty_contest/
%
What’s black, 6.2 inches long, and every white girl wants one?

The new iPhone X

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79206c/whats_black_62_inches_long_and_every_white_girl/
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What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out early November.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/791yh5/what_do_donald_trump_and_a_pumpkin_have_in_common/
%
Which armed forces do horses join?

The neigh-vy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/791w2h/which_armed_forces_do_horses_join/
%
A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."
She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!"
He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/791u8u/a_man_goes_into_a_brothel/
%
What do my barber and the doctor who did my circumcision have in common?

They both took too much off the top

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/791sfd/what_do_my_barber_and_the_doctor_who_did_my/
%
prison may be just one word to you

but to others, it's a whole sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/791puy/prison_may_be_just_one_word_to_you/
%
A mom caught her son jacking in the garage...

...she said to him, "Look son, I know you are at the age where you are curious and want to experiment with these kinds of things.... but please stop trying to remove the wheels of the car!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/791o5q/a_mom_caught_her_son_jacking_in_the_garage/
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What do you drive in the fall?

An Autumn-mobile.
I came up with this when I was six :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/791guh/what_do_you_drive_in_the_fall/
%
What do you call someone who investigates fire?

A fire distinguisher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/791fjy/what_do_you_call_someone_who_investigates_fire/
%
I was in a Uber today and the driver said,

"I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"
Then I said "turn left"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/791c06/i_was_in_a_uber_today_and_the_driver_said/
%
Loud snoring

Apparently I snore so loud that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/791btj/loud_snoring/
%
What's your name?, asked the teacher.

"Safiy ," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Safiy  returned home after school.
"How was your day, Safiy ?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Safiy . I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Safiy  returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two damn Arabs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/791ay8/whats_your_name_asked_the_teacher/
%
Political correctness has gone way too far. You can't even say black paint anymore.

You have to say, "Hey Leroy, please paint this fence for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/791911/political_correctness_has_gone_way_too_far_you/
%
What's the noisiest plant?

Bam!
Boo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7914kf/whats_the_noisiest_plant/
%
Another interview joke

During a job interview, the interviewer asks, “I noticed a 6 year gap in your resume. How do you account for this period of time?”
The applicant responds, “I went to Yale.”
Excited, the interviewer says, “Yale?!? You’re hired!”
The applicant replies, “Yay! I got a yob!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/790tdg/another_interview_joke/
%
At an international medical conference:

A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."
The German surgeon replies; “In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."
The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."
-Maura Obrien from Quora

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/790tbb/at_an_international_medical_conference/
%
The engineers were discussing God's profession

The mechanical engineer said, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at your joints and muscle connections."
The electrical engineer said, "I believe God must be an electrical engineer because your brain, nerves, electrical impulses and shit, just take a look at neurons. No doubt there."
Finally the civil engineer spoke up. "For all I know, God is a civil engineer. Only a civil engineer would put a sewage system through a recreational area."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/790s6s/the_engineers_were_discussing_gods_profession/
%
Just found out my dad is a registered sex offender.

I'm screwed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/790rij/just_found_out_my_dad_is_a_registered_sex_offender/
%
A man asked God

"God, where can i find the love of my life?"
God answered
"Love can be found on every corner"
And then god made earth round

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/790r8b/a_man_asked_god/
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What do you call a Mexican who can't find his car?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/790o6s/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_cant_find_his_car/
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Have you heard of the piano-playing spy?

Neither have I. He's very low-key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/790lqg/have_you_heard_of_the_pianoplaying_spy/
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When I was younger, my sister always said she wanted to be in the Dallas Cowboys Cheer Squad.

I always said the same thing, but just meant it in a much different way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/790jo1/when_i_was_younger_my_sister_always_said_she/
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DigDug (a bit nsfw)

So an explorer and his trusted assistant were in the middle of a jungle exploring places unknown.
So they came upon a bunch of natives. These natives were mean looking with knives, clubs and spears. They looked like stereotypical cannibals. The natives grabbed them and brought them to their chief.
The chief told them that they have two options. He asked them, DigDug or death?
Death he motioned sweeping the neck.
So the assistant was a family man and had kids and stuff so he said he wants DigDug.  Death was final and not an option for him and he wanted to see his kids again.
So the chief motions to his subordinates and they grab the assistant. Stripped him naked and tied him ass up onto a frame. Like his body formed a number 7.
The chief then clapped his hands and 50 small sized men formed a line.  They then each took twenty minutes and fucked him in the ass. At the end of it all the assistant could not walk. So the chief motioned and they let him go free.
Now the explorer seeing what happened to his assistant decided fuck that. I would rather choose death.
So when the chief asked him, he chose death rather than go through what the assistant just went through.  The chief asked him again and again the explorer chose death rather than go through what the assistant went through.
The chief clapped his hands again.
And once again they stripped him and put him on the frame. Then the biggest cannibal with the hugest sword came up.  Raised his sword!
And out of the village came out 200 of the biggest men from the village! And then they formed a line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/790is9/digdug_a_bit_nsfw/
%
I’m in Ocean Beach and a homeless man just told me this joke.

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
He was too far out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/790ggz/im_in_ocean_beach_and_a_homeless_man_just_told_me/
%
What type of tree comes in all shapes and sizes?

A geometree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/790g5g/what_type_of_tree_comes_in_all_shapes_and_sizes/
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I like the phrase less is more...

...I just wish it pertained to what was in my bank account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/790fw4/i_like_the_phrase_less_is_more/
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Two bananas are sunbathing by the side of the a river...

... as they’re just starting to relax, a lump of poo floats by. The poo, notices the bananas staring at him in disgust and decides he should try and be polite and make friends. The lump of poo shouts,
“Come in, the water is lovely and warm!”
The two bananas look at each other for a moment and one banana turns to the other and says,
“Do you believe that shit?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/79017w/two_bananas_are_sunbathing_by_the_side_of_the_a/
%
What does a hot air balloon and a homeless person have in common

No visible means of support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7900ar/what_does_a_hot_air_balloon_and_a_homeless_person/
%
My grandparents would always take me out to dinner when I was a kid and jokingly ask me, "Are you paying this time?"

I would laugh and say "No! I don't have any money". They did this right up until I started college. We went to dinner same as always but at the end they didn't ask me. It was strange but figured they forgot. Well after a while it started to bother me. Finally after dinner one night I asked them "Why don't you guys ask me to pay anymore?". They looked at me and said "Your in college now, there is no point in asking, we KNOW you don't have money"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78zzok/my_grandparents_would_always_take_me_out_to/
%
In a store in US, a customer asked for half pound of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only one pound packs were available, but the man insisted on buying only half a pound.
So the boy went inside the manager's cabin and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only half pound of butter".
To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him. So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by showing presence of mind. Where do you come from?"
To this the boy said, "I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and soccer players!"
The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Brazil".
To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78zyb1/in_a_store_in_us_a_customer_asked_for_half_pound/
%
A handjob is like cooking

It's good but even better when your Grandma does it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78zwlx/a_handjob_is_like_cooking/
%
Three statisticians go on a hunting trip...

They spot a deer, immediately the first statistician takes a shot and it misses two meters to the left. The second statistician takes a shot and misses two meters to the right. "We got it!" yells the third Statistician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78zvr8/three_statisticians_go_on_a_hunting_trip/
%
Whatever you do don’t fart in an Apple store...

They don’t have any Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78zpgn/whatever_you_do_dont_fart_in_an_apple_store/
%
My doctor asked if I wanted an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be down with that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78zpeg/my_doctor_asked_if_i_wanted_an_extra_chromosome/
%
Why is there a solid traffic line painted down the middle of the corridor of the government office building?

So the people coming in late don’t run into into the people going home early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78zlow/why_is_there_a_solid_traffic_line_painted_down/
%
My girlfriend is really attached to me

She's basically my right arm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78zfpc/my_girlfriend_is_really_attached_to_me/
%
What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe?

Kilometer Cyrus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78z66k/what_do_they_call_miley_cyrus_in_europe/
%
Easy mistake!! Haha !

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78z0lc/easy_mistake_haha/
%
I'm a writer

My pen name is Bic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78yz23/im_a_writer/
%
What does a house wear?

Address

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78yuuu/what_does_a_house_wear/
%
Why didn't the woman join the mile high club?

She didn't give a flying fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78yoar/why_didnt_the_woman_join_the_mile_high_club/
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He who stands with hands in pockets feels foolish

He who stands with holes in pockets feels nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ynod/he_who_stands_with_hands_in_pockets_feels_foolish/
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Did you hear the story about the cyber-suicide bomber?

Blew up all over the internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ynev/did_you_hear_the_story_about_the_cybersuicide/
%
I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said "NOTHING"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ycdg/i_got_pulled_over_by_a_female_cop/
%
Most redditors won't get this

Sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ybph/most_redditors_wont_get_this/
%
If you think your wife is crazy now...

Wait until you divorce her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78y8e0/if_you_think_your_wife_is_crazy_now/
%
Yesterday, a clown held open the door for me.

it was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78xsls/yesterday_a_clown_held_open_the_door_for_me/
%
A young private and an elderly officer on a train...

A young private and his commanding officer are on a train and they're sharing a compartment with a beautiful young lady and her father. The private and the young lady exchange glances much to the chagrin of her father.
A voice from the hall announces that they are approaching a tunnel. The young private winks at the lady who giggles.
Moments after they enter the tunnel two sounds are heard in the compartment...
*SMOOOOOOCH!!!!*
And then a second later...
*SLAP!*
The train leaves the tunnel and everything is normal in the compartment, but each passenger is thinking the following:
Father: Insolent boy kissing my daughter like that! I'm glad she slapped him so hard!
Young lady: Oh that kiss was so sweet! I wish my father hadn't hit him so hard!
Officer: Haha, oh good for the young boy to get a little kiss. I just wish her father hadn't hit me by accident in the darkness!
Private: Best. Day. Ever. I got to kiss a beautiful lady and I got to slap my commanding officer and get away with it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78xsdr/a_young_private_and_an_elderly_officer_on_a_train/
%
Found a news article saying that millions of people die annually from doing yoga.

I think that's a stretch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78xp4s/found_a_news_article_saying_that_millions_of/
%
There's two cats, and both have to swim across a lake.

The first cats name is One, two, three, while the second cats name is Un, deux, trois. Which cat makes it to the other side of the lake?
One, two, three makes it across because Un, deux trois, quatre, cinq.
This is by far one of the worst jokes I've ever heard and you can only understand it if you know some French. Regardless it never ceases to make me chuckle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78xnm2/theres_two_cats_and_both_have_to_swim_across_a/
%
I'm ok with marijuana, smoking, and even heroin

But with cocaine I draw the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78xkm7/im_ok_with_marijuana_smoking_and_even_heroin/
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Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff ? [original joke].

Because that's where students have  the most potential

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78xe0o/why_is_it_best_to_teach_physics_on_the_edge_of_a/
%
How do rabbits stay cold in the summer?

Hare conditioning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78xb1c/how_do_rabbits_stay_cold_in_the_summer/
%
Trump is going to reveal the classified JFK assassination details

Turns out it was Hillary Clinton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78x9y4/trump_is_going_to_reveal_the_classified_jfk/
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What did 50 Cent say when Lloyd Banks gave him a new sweater?

Gee, you knit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78x72n/what_did_50_cent_say_when_lloyd_banks_gave_him_a/
%
Why was Stradivarius bad at mathematics?

Violins never solved anything
I just made this up.
Ok, it's shit, but it's OC. On r/jokes. Think about that for a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78x72b/why_was_stradivarius_bad_at_mathematics/
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To keep sex interesting after 4 years of marriage, my wife and I like to roleplay. I pretend I'm the neighborhood handyman..

and she pretends she's still attracted to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78x18f/to_keep_sex_interesting_after_4_years_of_marriage/
%
What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before they got married?

Feyonce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78wzrn/what_did_jayz_call_beyonce_before_they_got_married/
%
I took a dyslexic girl home once

and she ended up cooking my sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78wrno/i_took_a_dyslexic_girl_home_once/
%
Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.
Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"
"This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78wm68/job_interview/
%
A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what’s for dinner?"
Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers,
"For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78wjos/a_man_is_talking_to_the_family_doctor_doc_i_think/
%
After months of my dad asking if I am going to get a haircut, I tell him I'm keeping it. "Why?" He asks.

"It grew on me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78wi1n/after_months_of_my_dad_asking_if_i_am_going_to/
%
I stared into her eyes and she stared right back into mine, and then we started to cry

But then I blinked and lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78whsn/i_stared_into_her_eyes_and_she_stared_right_back/
%
I just dumbed my midget girlfriend

We just weren’t seeing eye to eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78wfs9/i_just_dumbed_my_midget_girlfriend/
%
How did the neckbeard greet his nutty university?

M'acadamia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78wfkh/how_did_the_neckbeard_greet_his_nutty_university/
%
Had to get rid of my vacuum cleaner.

It was just collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78webq/had_to_get_rid_of_my_vacuum_cleaner/
%
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78wdy4/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_fetus/
%
A man walks into a gun shop and sees that the clerk is a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

He asks, "What's with the small arms?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78w7pw/a_man_walks_into_a_gun_shop_and_sees_that_the/
%
A priest was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.

The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?"
The priest replied, "Only water, officer."
The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78w7bi/a_priest_was_driving_down_the_road_one_day_when/
%
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78w67r/a_woman_and_a_man_are_involved_in_a_car_accident/
%
I saw a shooting star last night and wished

That it hadn't illuminated the spot in my backyard where my parents were fucking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78w56a/i_saw_a_shooting_star_last_night_and_wished/
%
A young man is walking home from work

A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company. He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight reflected off the moon. He had a lot on his mind, since he was not only recently married, but he had a four year old daughter to take care of.
The thought of not being able to provide for his toddler weighted down his head, and his eyes stayed focused on the ground. Though his mind drifted between thoughts and worries, the cold kept his body rigid and alert. The ethereal night seemed to not even faze the young man, content on going home. He was far enough away from town now to see the stars, but he'd never get far enough away to see the explosive beauty of the unpolluted night sky.
At last he arrived at his home. Though his mind remained inactive, his body reached into his suede jacket and removed the keys within, turning the lock without issue. He stumbled inside, leaving his shoes and his mind by the door. His hands curled around his neck and tugged on his red tie until it came loose, and then they loosed their grip until it fell to the ground. His body dropped into bed, and his mind joined it, without even worrying about bathing. The heat of his loved one warmed his frozen muscles, and he fell joyously into the arms of sleep.
He emerged from rest at 10 o clock AM. It was a Saturday now. The young man, reinvigorated, quickly bathed and put on new clothes. The heat of the water nearly lulled him back to sleep, but the sudden rush of cold he experienced after his shower brought him back out. The nervous young man carried his lazy bones into the kitchen, where they were greeted by the aroma of pancakes and bacon. His love, bless her soul, had prepared breakfast for them. The whole family gathered around the table and enjoyed a meal. At one point, the young girl noticed her father's glass was empty. "You're glass went empty, daddy," she mumbled with an innocent smile on her face that only toddlers can have "would you like another one?" Her father grew a massive grin "Why would I want two empty glasses?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78w4yj/a_young_man_is_walking_home_from_work/
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Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"

Boy: "I saw a strap of your bra."
Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for the next 1 week. Another boy laughs..."
Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"
Boy: "I saw both straps of your bra."
Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for next 1 month."
The teacher bends to pick a chalk and little Johnny starts walking out of the class.
Teacher: "Why are you going out?"
Johnny: "With what I saw I think my school days are over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78w4jj/teacher_why_did_you_laugh/
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What is the difference between a Nickelback album and a Playstation Vita

You can play the Nickelback album

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78w470/what_is_the_difference_between_a_nickelback_album/
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78w3t1/what_do_you_get_if_you_divide_the_circumference/
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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive", but it's hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78w3pq/my_dad_died_when_we_couldnt_remember_his_blood/
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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78w2zc/two_boys_were_arguing_when_the_teacher_entered/
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Where do sheep go for a drink?

The baa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78w1o8/where_do_sheep_go_for_a_drink/
%
Little Johnny asks the teacher,

"Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven't done?"
Mrs Roberts is shocked, "Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!"
Little Johnny is relieved, "OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven't done my homework."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78vyqd/little_johnny_asks_the_teacher/
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Two dragons walk into a bar, the first one says “it’s hot in here”...

the other says, “shut your mouth”.
Credit to Jimmy Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78vwyk/two_dragons_walk_into_a_bar_the_first_one_says/
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Most men like to be woken up with sex

except the ones in jail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78vuz4/most_men_like_to_be_woken_up_with_sex/
%
One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”.

He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”.
Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant.
His father promptly said “cooking”.
Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “bitches and hoes”.
He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”.
Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over.
Timmy answered the door with glee and says: “Hey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your shit to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78vtzg/one_daylittle_timmy_was_at_school_and_heard_the/
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Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor,

so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water.
The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass.
It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.
"Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78vqzx/little_johnnys_chemistry_teacher_wanted_to_teach/
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Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78vmji/whomever_said_laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
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A man wakes up from a coma. The nurse says to him, “You were in a terrible accident, and have been in a coma for 3 months. I’m afraid you can’t feel anything from the waist down.”

The man says, “Ok, can I feel your tits?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78vlzp/a_man_wakes_up_from_a_coma_the_nurse_says_to_him/
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[NSFW] The crying horse

So a man walks into a bar one afternoon. Its quite empty so he sits up to the bartender and sees a jug full of coins. He ask whats this all about and the bartender tells him, that he has a horse and a month ago it just started crying out of nowhere. So everybody who thinks he can make the horse laugh can drop coin in and try. The Price is the whole jug.
the man think about it a bit, throws in his coin and heads to the back where the horse is. One minute later the man comes back, with the horse laughing his ass off in the back.
He takes the jug and leaves without a word.
A month later, the man comes back and sees another jug on the bar. upon asking hes told that the horse never ever stopped after the last visit. The man throws his coin in and goes to the horse. Two minutes later, the man comes out again and the bartender can see that the horse is just standing there in shock. so he asks what the man did.
"Oh it was quite easy. The first the i told the horse that mine is bigger. The second time we meassured."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78vlfg/nsfw_the_crying_horse/
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JFK Assassination Document Release

From what I hear, they reveal some pretty mind-blowing information

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78vit8/jfk_assassination_document_release/
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What's the difference between having AIDS and having kids?

Everyone considers you a hero if you beat AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78vf30/whats_the_difference_between_having_aids_and/
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How come there aren’t any Irish lawyers?

Because they couldn’t pass the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78vecr/how_come_there_arent_any_irish_lawyers/
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The JFK files will be released today.

If there's anything that satisfies conspiracy theorists' curiosity, it's files released by the government.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78vd5c/the_jfk_files_will_be_released_today/
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I failed my Health and Safety test at work today when I was asked what steps to take in case of a fire.

"fucking large ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78vc7k/i_failed_my_health_and_safety_test_at_work_today/
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Woman: How old would you say I am?

Man: Hmmm... Judging by your eyes, I'd say 25, your skin, 20, and your body, 18.
Woman: Wow. You really know how to seduce a ...
Man: (interrupting) Hold on a sec while I add up these numbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78vb38/woman_how_old_would_you_say_i_am/
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Women might be able to fake orgasms.

But men can fake a whole relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78v4qh/women_might_be_able_to_fake_orgasms/
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I asked an old man, "Even after 60 years of being married, how can you still call your wife 'Honey', 'Darling' and 'Sweetheart'?"

He replied, "Well I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78v3jn/i_asked_an_old_man_even_after_60_years_of_being/
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What do you call it when a man spills Merlot on a woman's breasts?

A Harvey Wine Stain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78v374/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_man_spills_merlot_on_a/
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What's yellow and feeds on dead beatles?

Yoko Ono

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78v0bi/whats_yellow_and_feeds_on_dead_beatles/
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What does a politician have in common with a pornstar?

Both are experts in changing positions in front of a camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78v06u/what_does_a_politician_have_in_common_with_a/
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A clown just held the door for me...

...Long story short, I thought it was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78uzvw/a_clown_just_held_the_door_for_me/
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An old engineering professor ...

An old engineering professor was welcoming the incoming class of freshman.  "I've been teaching here for over 50 years and have seen some dramatic change over that time.  When I started, less than 5% of the class was female, and they all looked like they were kicked in the face by a horse.
"Today, more than half of you are female, but by God, we still have the same horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78uyf5/an_old_engineering_professor/
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3 friends on a raft...

3 friends on a raft, stranded in the ocean. They stumble up onto this genie lamp floating next to the boat. 1 guy picks up the lamp and rubs the water off it. A genie miraculously poofs out, and thanks the gentleman for releasing him. He tells them that he will grant them 1 wish a piece. First guy says "well I'd like to be home, with maybe a steak dinner". Poof, he disappears. Second guy says "that sounds good, I want the same". Poof, second guy disappears. Third guy, all alone looks around nervously... He says "man I sure am lonely now, I wish my friends were here"......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78uv5g/3_friends_on_a_raft/
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Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78uv2c/carrots_may_improve_your_vision/
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One of my friends told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space...

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ut5r/one_of_my_friends_told_me_that_i_often_make/
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I was made to walk the plank as a child

We couldn't afford a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78us42/i_was_made_to_walk_the_plank_as_a_child/
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I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78upeo/i_once_had_a_dream_that_i_was_swimming_in_an/
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Only Anti-vaxxers will get this

Measels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78unsd/only_antivaxxers_will_get_this/
%
My parents told me to live in the present.

Then they wrapped me up in a box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ungp/my_parents_told_me_to_live_in_the_present/
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A man walks into a bar with a bag...

He places the bag on the bar and pulls out a tiny piano, tiny stool and a tiny piano player, who begins to play music on the tiny piano.
The bartender was curious, and asked the man where he got it. The man pulls out an old genie bottle and an old, dusty genie pops out from the bottle. The man tells that this old genie grants only one wish and tells the bartender that he can have a go at it, but warns him that the genie is hard of hearing.
The bartender proceeds and whishes for 1 million bucks. Suddently the whole bar is filled up with 1 million ducks. Ducks and feather everywhere! Frustrated the bartender shouts: "I wished for a million BUCKS not a million DUCKS!". The man replied: "Yeah, and I didn't whish for a 12-inch Pianist".
(Read a book, Black Ops: Expeditionary Force (Book 4), and one of the characters told this joke there, and I had to share it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ukfl/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_bag/
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Its funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78uk9t/its_funny_how_we_all_sleep_differently/
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Weather forecasts in Australia

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'
The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78uit2/weather_forecasts_in_australia/
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I was at a bar the other day, when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled...

"Does anyone know CPR!?"
I yelled back, "I know the whole alphabet!" and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed.
Well, except for this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78uidr/i_was_at_a_bar_the_other_day_when_all_of_a_sudden/
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Why did the introvert cross the road?

Fuck you leave me alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ug5x/why_did_the_introvert_cross_the_road/
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Who won the first Tour de france?

The 7th German tank division

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ufly/who_won_the_first_tour_de_france/
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Margot Robbie is shipwrecked...

She washes up on a desert island with the only other survivor, an Australian man of similar age.
They make a camp for cooking etc. but agree to sleep at separate ends of the island because they each have partners back home.
After a few weeks, temptation and frustration meet and the inevitable happens. They agree that they will meet just once per week to satisfy urges.
After several months, the man tells Margot that he has this overwhelming urge and asks Margot if she will “role play”. She thinks this might spice up the weekly liaisons and agrees.
“Right. I want you to put on my shirt, my hat and trousers”.
Margot does this.
“Now, I want you to get some ash from the fireplace and smear it on your face like a beard”.
Margot thinks, “This is weird.” but agrees and makes her face up with a beard.
The Aussie says, “Perfect!”
He then puts his arm around her shoulder and says, “Mate….you are not going to believe who I am rooting at the moment!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78udlw/margot_robbie_is_shipwrecked/
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A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."
The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ud4p/a_huge_crab_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man is born with a 26 inch penis

His penis is so long that no women is willing to be with him and he becomes light headed whenever he gets an erection.
Frustrated by this, he decides to seek the help of a with who lives in the swamp. He says to her "witch my penis two feet long, women fear it and I pass out whenever I become aroused. Please help me.
The witch thinks a moment then says to him "go deep into the Forrest until you find a great frog sitting on a giant toadstool. Ask the frog to have sex with you, and every time he says no your penis will shrink five inches.
So the man wanders into the swamp and eventually comes across the giant frog on the toadstool. Skeptical, he looks up at the frog and exclaims "frog! Have sex with me!"
The frog, disgusted by the request replies "no!" And the man's penis shrinks five inches.
He ponders on this and thinks to himself "21 is still too large" so he looks up at the frog and again exclaims "Frog! Have sex with me!"
The frog, annoyed that the man persisted replies "no!" And the man's penis shrinks five more inches
He ponders on this and thinks to himself, "16 is still too much but 11 would be just right for me" so one last time he looks up at the frog and exclaims "Frog! Have sex with me!"
The frog angrily pounds his fist on the mushroom and loudly yells "NO NO NO NO NO!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ubsk/a_man_is_born_with_a_26_inch_penis/
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An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says,

"So, do I come here often?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78uaa4/an_amnesiac_walks_into_a_bar_he_goes_up_to_a/
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Some pronounce it as gif, others say gif but the correct way is actually

gif

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78u9rs/some_pronounce_it_as_gif_others_say_gif_but_the/
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Even had diarrhoea while camping?

Shit's intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78u6hy/even_had_diarrhoea_while_camping/
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One Sunday St Peter looks down from Heaven and calls out to Jesus

"Look!" he says. "Father O'Malley is golfing on Sunday!"
Jesus smiles and holds out his hands in blessing. Moments later the Father drives off the first tee and holes in one. When the Father retrieves his ball and goes to the second tee, Jesus again holds out his hands in blessing and the Father holes out again. He goes to the third tee, a long par five where he shouldn't even be able to carry the green, but Jesus blesses him for the third time and the ball goes straight into the hole.
St Peter say, "Lord, have we then dispensed with the Commandment: *Remember the Lord's Day, and keep it holy* ?"
"No," says Jesus, with eyes that crinkle in a blend of mercy and justice, "but who is poor O'Malley ever going to be able to tell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78u4kc/one_sunday_st_peter_looks_down_from_heaven_and/
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What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?

The reason the parents are crying.
I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78u4h1/whats_the_difference_between_a_straight_wedding/
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When my wife was in labor,

I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.
It must have been the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78u0er/when_my_wife_was_in_labor/
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I once tried to teach food how to sing.

It actually went pretty well, although the pancakes were a little flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78u06q/i_once_tried_to_teach_food_how_to_sing/
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3 men get stranded on a desert island

After wandering around a while, they are found by some tribesmen. The natives take them back to their hut. The chief tells them, "Go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of fruit."
The first guy returns with 10 apples, and the chief says "Now shove them all up your ass without showing any emotion, or we'll kill you."
He shoves the the first up, and is in terrible pain, but shows no emotion, but during the process of pushing up the second, he flinches, and therefore gets shot.
The second guy comes back with 10 cherries, and gets told to do the same.
He's finding it relatively easy, but when he gets to the eighth, starts laughing hysterically, and gets shot.
He meets up with the first guy in heaven, and the first guy asks, "Why did you do that, why did you laugh?" and the second guy replies,
"Well I nearly finished when I saw the next guy walking up with pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78tyyp/3_men_get_stranded_on_a_desert_island/
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A little boy goes into the kitchen

And says to his mother, "Nan's got a prawn in the front room".
Confused, his mother pokes her head around the door to find the grandmother asleep, legs fallen wide with no underwear on.
She turns around to the boy and says, "Oh honey, that's not a prawn, that's called a clitoris"
The boy, confused replies "Oh... it tastes like a prawn"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ty2m/a_little_boy_goes_into_the_kitchen/
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What did the proud pirate dad say after seeing his son torch an enemy ship?

Arr, son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78tx26/what_did_the_proud_pirate_dad_say_after_seeing/
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Girls night out

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.
The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78tx24/girls_night_out/
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2 teenage friends were outside when they saw a female streaker walking down the street.

One of them ran away as soon as he saw her, but the other one stayed and watched for a while.
They saw each other at school the next day, and the one who stayed asked his friend why he ran away. His friend said "My mom said that if I ever look at a naked girl too long I'll turn to stone. And I already felt something getting hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78trp4/2_teenage_friends_were_outside_when_they_saw_a/
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Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.
The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78trfh/steve_and_his_buddies_were_hanging_out_and/
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Granny tatoos

80 year old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says "I want to get a tattoo".
The artist hesitantly replys "Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?"
Old lady: "actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh"
Artist: "you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?"
Old lady barks at him: "of course I know that's where I want them! I don't care how much it will hurt!"
Artist: "okay, whatever you want then. Let's take a look art the art book to see if there is something you want."
Old lady: "I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh"
Artist: "uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?"
Old lady: "because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78tmqw/granny_tatoos/
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My impression of 2 old nearly deaf guys at the park sitting on a bench together.

Old guy 1. Boy, it sure is windy.
Old guy 2. No it's not! It's Thursday!
Old guy 1. Yeah me too. Lets go get a beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78tl72/my_impression_of_2_old_nearly_deaf_guys_at_the/
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The new tenants

Landlord:  How are the new tenants above you.
Renter:  They are ok.  But it sounds like they are bang on the floor every night at 1 in the morning.
Landlord:  That is outrageous.  I will talk to them at once.
Renter:  No. It is really not that big of a deal. I am usually up then practising my trumpet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78tk1o/the_new_tenants/
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What do you call a cat that’s been listening to too much rock and roll?

Def Leppard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78tefs/what_do_you_call_a_cat_thats_been_listening_to/
%
Apparently OJ Simpson is interested in dating again.

He's ready to have another stab at a relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78tdy1/apparently_oj_simpson_is_interested_in_dating/
%
What's yellow and eats nuts?

Syphilis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78tdlv/whats_yellow_and_eats_nuts/
%
How does a beetle serenade his girlfriend?

He sings "I've got you under my chitin".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78tcil/how_does_a_beetle_serenade_his_girlfriend/
%
A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78t7eo/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_he_says_to_the_bartender/
%
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim.

When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?"
The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?"
The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned and went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78suui/there_was_a_preacher_who_fell_in_the_ocean_and_he/
%
I was tailgated going 15 over

I was going 15 over the limit in the fast lane and being tailgated so I moved to the slow lane. The car behind continued to stay on my bumper. I couldn't shake him and was becoming very annoyed.
He looked so ridiculous with his flashing lights and his annoying siren.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78sqvv/i_was_tailgated_going_15_over/
%
A man and a small boy are walking into the woods as it is getting dark.

The little boy says to the man. "Gee, I'm really scared". The man turns around and snaps back at the little boy and says, "you, you, you. It's all about you. What about me? I've got to walk back out of these woods alone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78sqg0/a_man_and_a_small_boy_are_walking_into_the_woods/
%
A dad asks his daughter if she's pregnant.

She says "No!"
He doesn't believe her and asks her again.
"Dad, I swear I'm not!"
He gives her one last chance to fess up and says, "Are you SURE?"
Exasperated, she reaches into her bag and pulls out a pregnancy test. "I'm positive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78sp0d/a_dad_asks_his_daughter_if_shes_pregnant/
%
A little boy and a clown are walking through the woods at night...

"Golly!" the boy says, "It sure is scary out here!"
"You think you're scared!" the clown replies. "I'm the one who has to walk home all alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78skdt/a_little_boy_and_a_clown_are_walking_through_the/
%
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
“Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you,
I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78sisz/a_lawyer_married_a_woman_who_had_previously/
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The day I met her, I knew she was a keeper.

She completely lacked the skill, style or flair necessary to play out-field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78sek9/the_day_i_met_her_i_knew_she_was_a_keeper/
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What sound does an airplane make when it bounces off the ground?

Boeing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78sef2/what_sound_does_an_airplane_make_when_it_bounces/
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A young reporter goes to a small town to get a story

She meets with the mayor, and asks him "what's the big story around town?"
"Well, there was this young woman, very pretty girl, who got lost in the woods, so all of the men from the village got together and looked for her. When we found her, we all took our turn fucking the shit out of her."
"My God, I can't tell that story... Is there a less salacious story?"
"Well, you see, her momma, she is pretty for an old girl, she gets lost, but only half the men gather to find her, and fucked the shit out of her."
"Mr. Mayor, I will get fired if I said that!  This is getting me nothing I can use. How about you, Mr Mayor, anything interesting happen to you?"
Well yesterday, I got lost... But we won't talk about that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78s76d/a_young_reporter_goes_to_a_small_town_to_get_a/
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What do Santa and Bill Cosby have in common?

They only come when you're sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78s6l1/what_do_santa_and_bill_cosby_have_in_common/
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A woman goes home for lunch

And is surprised to find her husband at home.
She goes up to him and says, "Take off my necklace."
Any he takes off her necklace.
"Take off my blouse."
And he unbuttons and removes her blouse.
"Take off my skirt."
And he unzips and removes her skirt.
Finally she says, "Don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78s2ir/a_woman_goes_home_for_lunch/
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Why is Yoda the worst copilot?

"Yoda, are we still going the right way?" "Off course we are"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78s0wo/why_is_yoda_the_worst_copilot/
%
My girlfriend said she wanted a puppy for her birthday so I got her one.

The next morning she saw me loading it into the back of my car and said, "Hey. Where are you going?"
I said, "I'm sending him back."
"Sending him back!" she yelled. "Why?"
I said, "It's not your birthday any more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78rppf/my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_a_puppy_for_her/
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My boss said I "lacked courage" so I walked out...

Got a coffee to calm down and returned to my desk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ronq/my_boss_said_i_lacked_courage_so_i_walked_out/
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What do you get when you stack 52 loaves of bread?

A deck of carbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78rnor/what_do_you_get_when_you_stack_52_loaves_of_bread/
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I'm currently studying the art of persuasion.

I think you should too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78rmov/im_currently_studying_the_art_of_persuasion/
%
A Higgs Boson walks into a church.

The priest says "Sorry, we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here"
The Hiss Boson replies with "But without me, how can you have mass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78rm7r/a_higgs_boson_walks_into_a_church/
%
Why did the Italian miss her train

Because it went right Pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78rkvb/why_did_the_italian_miss_her_train/
%
My physics teacher told me that I had a lot of potential.

Then he pushed me out of the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78rjmf/my_physics_teacher_told_me_that_i_had_a_lot_of/
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What happened when the cannibal was late for lunch?

He was given the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78rh4v/what_happened_when_the_cannibal_was_late_for_lunch/
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What's the difference between my ex and the Titanic?

The Titanic only went down on 1,000 people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78rgy4/whats_the_difference_between_my_ex_and_the_titanic/
%
I'm officially the worst lover ever.

I was masturbating and my hand fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ra7k/im_officially_the_worst_lover_ever/
%
Two South Koreans fell in love with each other...

you might say they found their Seoul mates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78r3og/two_south_koreans_fell_in_love_with_each_other/
%
What’s the best kind of grass for your front yard?

Emo grass.  Cuz it cuts itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78r2z3/whats_the_best_kind_of_grass_for_your_front_yard/
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I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

but none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78r2j5/i_know_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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I can count the number of generations of inbreeding in my family on one hand

It's 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78r2fh/i_can_count_the_number_of_generations_of/
%
Two guys are walking through the forest and come upon a depression, in the middle of the depression is a hole.

So, they decide they want to see how deep this hole is.
They take a handful of rocks and throw them in the hole. They listen ... but never hear them hit the bottom.
They find a much bigger rock. They roll it to the edge of the depression and push. It rolls to the middle and falls down the hole. They listen ... but never hear it hit the bottom. They are not detoured. They just need to find something bigger.
They walk around and come upon a shack. A giant log is leaned up against this shack and they think to themselves “PERFECT!” They walk back to the hole, stand the log up and shove it down the hole. They listen ... but never hear it hit the bottom.
A few moments later they hear a goat. It’s running as fast as it can. It gets to the edge of the depression, jumps ... and does a NOSE DIVE down the whole. “BAAAAAaaaaaaaaa....” (but ... they never hear it hit the bottom).
So, they give up. This hole is just immeasurably deep. They walk through the forest a ways and then they come upon a farmer.
Farmer: “Hey, fellas ... have you seen a goat anywhere around here?”
Man No. 1: “Yeah, we just saw a goat do a swan dive into a hole back there. It was the wildest thing.”
Farmer: “Nah, that couldn’t have been my goat. My goat was tied to a log.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78r22l/two_guys_are_walking_through_the_forest_and_come/
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Why was the mathematician arrested at the bar?

He was caught drinking and deriving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78r19y/why_was_the_mathematician_arrested_at_the_bar/
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Good news, Bad news

Doctor: So, do you wanna hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Lets start with the good news doc.
Doctor: Well, you only have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What the HECK? If thats the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?
Doctor: I was supposed to tell you that yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qxut/good_news_bad_news/
%
Taxi driver

So there's this man who drives a taxi for a living. He's no bad man, pays his taxes, loves his wife and has no addictions. But there is one bad thing that the taxi driver just loves to do, despite his good nature. Every time he drives past one of those cyclists who act like they own the place he ever-so-gently bumps int them to knock them off their bikes. One day everything is going as normal and a pastor gets in the cab. He asks to go to the other side of town, and so they do. Almost immediately the taxi is stuck behind a cyclist who just doesn't go out of the way, but is going way too slow for motor traffic. After 20 minutes of torture finally a spot opens up to pass the cyclist. Even better, it's the perfect opportunity to knock that prick off the road onto the pavement. A few seconds before impact, though, the taxi driver remembers his passenger and decides he couldn't do such an evil thing in the company of a pastor. The taxi driver makes to pass the cyclist very closely, as to still scare him and suddenly the pastor darts towards the door and swings it open. The door hits the cyclist hard on the back and he's sent of flying over the road into a lantern post. Dumbfounded, the taxi driver looks at the pastor. The pastor smiles, and says: "I'm glad I was paying attention, you almost missed him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qw0z/taxi_driver/
%
Husband: Calls up hotel manager and says " My wife & I are having an argument and now she wants to jump through the window, come help me"

**Manager :** Sir this is your personal issue and I can't help with the argument.
**Husband:** Dude, the window doesn't open, isn't that maintenance issue?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qt4v/husband_calls_up_hotel_manager_and_says_my_wife_i/
%
I can’t get my satellite radio to work

I’m having sirius issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qoxv/i_cant_get_my_satellite_radio_to_work/
%
What do Subway and prostitutes have in common?

You're paying them to do your wife's job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qohw/what_do_subway_and_prostitutes_have_in_common/
%
What does the dentist of the year get?

A little plaque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qnse/what_does_the_dentist_of_the_year_get/
%
You must have 11 protons,

Because you are SODIUM cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qnlg/you_must_have_11_protons/
%
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qmlg/interviewer_how_much_milk_do_these_cows_give/
%
What do you call a communist dog?

Karl Barx
Shout-out to "Matt & Tom" for that 😊

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qkfq/what_do_you_call_a_communist_dog/
%
Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qj9l/guy_can_i_buy_you_a_drink/
%
Why was Ted Kennedy called the "Lion of the Senate"?

Because he mated at will and killed without remorse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qho0/why_was_ted_kennedy_called_the_lion_of_the_senate/
%
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qfe7/three_men_died_in_a_car_accident_and_met_jesus/
%
A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qewb/a_joke_is_like_a_frog/
%
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident,

but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant .
He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.
The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qe14/a_young_naval_officer_was_in_a_terrible_car/
%
What do you call a Mexican portable Nintendo?

Nintendo Diaz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qdsn/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_portable_nintendo/
%
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.

They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.
After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed.
Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.
The old man is thinking, “Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her.”
The old lady is thinking, “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78qbyx/an_elderly_man_and_woman_meet_in_a_bar_and_get_to/
%
Why does dr pepper come in a bottle

Because his wife died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78q638/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
Logic

Three professors visit a nudist beach, and strip off. After some time they notice the Dean and his wife approaching. Two of the professors immediately cover their private parts with towels, but the professor of logic covers his face. When asked why, he says "My face is the way that I am usually recognised".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78q42o/logic/
%
What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and Ship's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78q3mi/what_do_sea_monsters_eat/
%
Scaring men is easy

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78q1hv/scaring_men_is_easy/
%
What's Canada's favorite game?

SORRY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78puyw/whats_canadas_favorite_game/
%
A man goes hunting one fine day...

A man goes hunting one fine day with his trusty rifle. In the forest he spots a bear. Suddenly the bear charges towards him! The man shoots at the bear but the bear doesn't stop. The bear rolls the man onto his stomach and fucks him in the ass.
The next day the hunter goes out to the forest with a machine gun. He spots the bear again and the bear charges towards him. He empties his clip but the bear isn't injured. The bear rolls the man onto his stomach and fucks him in the ass.
The day after that the man goes back into the forest with a god damned cannon. He's had it with that bear. As soon as he sees the bear it begins running at him. The man fires a cannon ball directly into the bear's stomach but the bear keeps running unfazed. The bear knocks the man onto his back and says
"Something tells me you don't come here to hunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78pttb/a_man_goes_hunting_one_fine_day/
%
A man goes up to a hot girl

in the supermarket and says, “I’ve lost my wife somewhere. Can you talk to me for a few minutes?” The woman is confused and asks, “Why talk to me?”
The guy says, “Because every time I talk to a hot woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78prmf/a_man_goes_up_to_a_hot_girl/
%
What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78pn89/what_do_you_call_a_sleeping_bull/
%
What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78pmet/whats_the_difference_between_3_cocks_and_a_joke/
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Make me happy and sad with one sentence

A wife and a husband lies in bed and the man asks : wife, I bet you can't make me with one sentence happy and sad at the same time...
The wife replies that's easy : in comparison to all your best friends you have the biggest one  😅

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78pj6k/make_me_happy_and_sad_with_one_sentence/
%
What's the most inappropriate Halloween costume this year?

Hurricane Harvey Weinstein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78piae/whats_the_most_inappropriate_halloween_costume/
%
Me and my wife were happy for 28 years

then we got married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78pher/me_and_my_wife_were_happy_for_28_years/
%
An older couple decided to try "swinging"

They'd both recently turned sixty and, what the heck -- YOLO. So they went to a swingers party and, to their amazement, connected with a very young couple barely past their teens. After an hour and a half of "play time" they got dressed and headed home.
"Well that was disappointing," he said. The young lady was fantastic but I couldn't keep it up and didn't finish. "
"Too bad, honey. I thought it was spectacular," she replied. "That young stallion ran the full race three times!"
They should've known, it's simple arithmetic: 20 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78pgya/an_older_couple_decided_to_try_swinging/
%
A widowed Jewish lady

, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach   near Tel  Aviv
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed
his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she   countered. ”Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Jaffa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and
gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you
know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78pgbx/a_widowed_jewish_lady/
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Reading The Fifth

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78pbcv/reading_the_fifth/
%
An avid bird watcher heard an owl hoot

So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.
All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling to owls," the wife commented.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78p6a1/an_avid_bird_watcher_heard_an_owl_hoot/
%
What is the difference between a condom and a parachute?

If one is torn, you get +1 human, if another -1 human.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ozak/what_is_the_difference_between_a_condom_and_a/
%
Three wealthy men, a Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American are on a plane..

The Frenchman sticks his hand out the window and says to the others, "We just flew over Paris."
The others ask him how he knows and he replied, "Well, when I stuck my hand out the window I touched the top of the Eiffel Tower."
They fly along for a while longer when the Englishman sticks his hand out the window and proclaims to others, "We just flew over London."
The others ask him how he knows and he replies, "Well, when I stuck my hand out the window I touched the top of Big Ben."
They continue their flight for many more hours when the American sticks his hand out the window and says, "We just flew over New York."
The others ask him how he knows and he replies, "Well, because someone just stole my watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78oyg3/three_wealthy_men_a_frenchman_an_englishman_and/
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Why is the lentil perverted?

It was watching the chickpea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ovao/why_is_the_lentil_perverted/
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Paddy's Slippers

Murphy calls in to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"Hold on - I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78otrq/paddys_slippers/
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My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78oq6s/my_computer_crashed_a_few_hours_into_writing_my/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, men can be feminists too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78opda/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Donald Trump somehow makes it to the Pearly Gates

After a long life, and a tumultuous presidency, Donald J Trump dies and arrives at the Gates of Heaven, where he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asks an angel, "What are all those clocks?"
The angel answers, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," says Trump, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Washington's clock. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."
"Tremendous" says Trump. "And whose clock is that one?"
The angel responds, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"So, where's my clock?" Asks Trump
"Oh, your clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78oo81/donald_trump_somehow_makes_it_to_the_pearly_gates/
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How do hillbilly gourds reproduce?

They pump kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78onge/how_do_hillbilly_gourds_reproduce/
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I met an Anti-Vaxxer today...

Unfortunately, I couldn't meet his son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78on7q/i_met_an_antivaxxer_today/
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What is Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite fruit?

Chopped Dates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78oln4/what_is_jeffrey_dahmers_favorite_fruit/
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The mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a pint of beer. The second mathematician orders a half. The third, a quarter pint. There is an infinite line up of Mathematicians.
The bartender fills up two pints and slides it over to the Mathematicians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78oe7f/the_mathematicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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My crush and I have a lot in common

One thing is that we both like her but none of us like me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ocxv/my_crush_and_i_have_a_lot_in_common/
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I dug a trench around my desk at work today, complete with running water, but the boss got really angry and made me fill it in…

Can't believe I've been demoated…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78oc3u/i_dug_a_trench_around_my_desk_at_work_today/
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How many Buddhists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They enlighten themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78oboy/how_many_buddhists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What music band does Sisyphus hates the most?

The Rolling Stones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78o9co/what_music_band_does_sisyphus_hates_the_most/
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You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?

In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78o82h/you_know_how_in_restaurants_they_often_ask_you_if/
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The reel, the ink, and the booze

There was a company that sold a great variety of fishing equipment and supplies. One of their new products was a rod to be used out at sea, with a special reel mechanism to catch larger fish. Now, there was a new employee who was in charge of printing buyers' names onto the reel by hand and with a quill and ink, as this was a very expensive and exclusive product aimed at the wealthy or extravagant. For the most part, the employee's calligraphy was on spot, he inked without splotches, and the company's customers were very satisfied with their personal sea rods. The only thing unusual about him is that he insisted on sitting on a platform with an upside-down moose head as a base while doing his work, instead of the stool that would be normally provided. When it came time for his supervisor to give his first report on the exclusive sea rod construction process, it was as follows:
"The construction of the rod and reel is coming along perfectly. Our clients are satisfied, and performance reports are much higher than anticipated. However, I do have one thing to note: Our sea reel quiller is on the moose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78o7fy/the_reel_the_ink_and_the_booze/
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Fats Domino died.

Ain’t it a shame.
R.I.P. Fats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78o3jt/fats_domino_died/
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A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs.

He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?"
He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital.
He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they?"
The doctor replied, "Comfortable!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78nzgy/a_magician_accidentally_turned_his_wife_into_a/
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What does a perverted frog say?

Rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78nxvy/what_does_a_perverted_frog_say/
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A blonde student catches her teacher at his desk after class

She puts her arms on his desk and pouts saying "this class is hard, I would do anything to get a good grade on the final. Anything."
He leans in close and says "Anything? Anything at all? Would you.... Study?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78nxe7/a_blonde_student_catches_her_teacher_at_his_desk/
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How did the rabbit know his wife was cheating on him?

He found a bunch of hares in his bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78nuyu/how_did_the_rabbit_know_his_wife_was_cheating_on/
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The plumber found a blunt in my faucet today.

No wonder my water bills are so high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78nut7/the_plumber_found_a_blunt_in_my_faucet_today/
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What did the body builder say when he was told protein shakes don't work?

No whey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78nsmb/what_did_the_body_builder_say_when_he_was_told/
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A man wants a pet

. So he visits his local pet shop and inquires .
Man: “I want an obedient pet. One that would do anything I ask of it no matter what”.
The store clerk: “I know exactly what you need”.
The clerk steps out back for a few minutes and returns with a tiny box containing a centipede.
Man: “A centipede, really?”
Clerk: “Yes, trust me”
Man: “Sold!”
The man takes his new pet back home and immediately starts giving orders.
Man: “I am going to go cook in the kitchen. I would like you to clean this entire living room. Make it spic and span.”
After the man finished cooking and eating, he returns to his living in the most well-kept state it has ever been. Dusting, organizing, and everything in between was taken care of. He is amazed.
Man: “Okay, that was really cool. Now I want you to do the same for the kitchen”
After relaxing on the couch, he checks on the kitchen to find it in a perfect state of cleanliness as well. He just couldn’t believe how amazing this centipede was.
One Sunday morning, he tasks the centipede to go out and get the newspaper. The centipede steps outside to fetch it.
10 minutes go by...
30 minutes...
1 hour...
Impatient and confused, the man steps outside to see the centipede still at the front of the door with no newspaper
Man: “Where’s my newspaper?! It’s been an hour!!”
Centipede: “I AM STILL PUTTING MY SHOES ON!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78nruq/a_man_wants_a_pet/
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After picking her son up from school one day,

the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78nqx2/after_picking_her_son_up_from_school_one_day/
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A man sees two alter boys behind a church sitting on a block of ice.

He says "what are you two doing here sitting on a block of ice?". An alter boy replies "The priest likes a couple of cold ones after a sermon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78npr1/a_man_sees_two_alter_boys_behind_a_church_sitting/
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A bad joke a day keeps the doctor away...

Well it keeps everyone away. But doctors too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78npc9/a_bad_joke_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away/
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What kind of fish is made up of only two sodium atoms?

2Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78np1p/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_up_of_only_two_sodium/
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What could the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't?

End a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78nm0x/what_could_the_boston_marathon_bombers_do_that/
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My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78njbv/my_biology_teacher_grew_human_vocal_chords_from/
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Last year I was miserable and depressed.

But this year i turned that shit around.
Now I am depressed and miserable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78nimv/last_year_i_was_miserable_and_depressed/
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'Long' A man goes to a circus

A man goes to a circus. There is a lion there and a very busty lady. The lady puts her breast without any fear into the lions mouth. The whole audience starts applauding and the lady asks if there is anyone else who would like to do this. The whole crowd was too scared to answer, so the lady decided to just choose someone. She points her finger at a man and asks if he's too scared to do this. The man replies: "No I'm not scared, I just don't thing I can get my mouth open that far!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78nffx/long_a_man_goes_to_a_circus/
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Duck hunting in a village

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in a village. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in this side of the planet and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in this village. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule'."
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees !
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78nfek/duck_hunting_in_a_village/
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I was sitting in a restaurant when...

A beautiful girl approached me and asked if I was single.
"Yes", I replied and she happily took the chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ncdj/i_was_sitting_in_a_restaurant_when/
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An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern...

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
“Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes,” she says,
“I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says,
“how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time sake?”
“Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers.
There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.”
So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along,leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes.
She’s yelling, “Ohhh, God!”
He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life.This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is!
As the couple passes, he says to them,”That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”
The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78n67y/an_elderly_couple_is_enjoying_an_anniversary/
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The Little Horse: An Inspirational Children's Story

[Parents, read this to your kids. I expect to see results. The last part is funnier with a long pause and not adding anything onto it, including context. I have no idea where I heard this one, but let me just say that while the concept is not mine, I did a whole lot of tweaking. Just a warning, it's super long, but it is meant to keep your interest as long as possible, so it's almost a legit story.]
Once on a quiet little farm, there lived a Little Horse. Every day he would watch the Big Horse, a racing mare, run outside doing laps along a track just outside the stable. One fine day while the horse was doing her daily practice a border collie, who was best friends with the Little Horse, came up to him to talk. "What's wrong Little Horse?", she asked, "you look kind of down."
"Miley", said the Little Horse, "for years and years and years and years and years, I have seen the big horse run around the track outside, faster than any animal or any machine, and for hours and hours and hours without getting tired. I want that kind of stamina. I want that kind of speed. I want to run like she does."
"You might want to try asking her! She might know a few tricks. There she is, taking a break at the water barrel! Don't be shy! Go talk to her!"
"I guess it's worth a shot..."
With modesty in his heart, the Little Horse went up to the Big Horse while she was drinking from the water barrel, and said:
"Big Horse, for years and years and years and years and years, I have seen you run around the track outside, faster than any animal or any machine, and for hours and hours and hours without getting tired. What is your secret of staying so quick?"
"Easy", said she, "stay off of the carrots and potatoes, and eat plenty of fresh oats and hay. Be sure to do 100 laps a day, and give yourself plenty of sleep and an early start before the rooster crows."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" said the Little Horse, "I will do everything you say, and someday I'll be as fast as you!"
The Little Horse galloped happily away. The Big Horse took another drink, and whispered "that'll be the day..."
For a full year, the Little Horse did exactly as the Big Horse said. He got a restful 9 hours of sleep from 8 to 5, before the crack of dawn when the rooster crows. The owner of the farm, surprised to see the little horse up so early, attempted to reward her with freshly picked potatoes and carrots. The Little Horse backed away timidly, remembering what the Big Horse said. The farmer left the vegetables on the ground by the Little Horse's stable, and I am happy to say that they were never eaten, although they gave an awful smell. The farmer's wife had to take them away, and gave the farmer a scolding after doing so. Although the Little Horse couldn't quite get to 100 at first, he started at 20, then at 30, then at 40, and so on until he could do 100 laps per day for almost 3 seasons. At last, he finished the 366 days (it was a leap year) with 324 laps without getting tired! (Give or take one or two.) He whinnied triumphantly! "Finally I'm ready!"
The Little Horse went up to the Big Horse, still drinking from the water barrel after doing laps, and said to her:
"Big Horse, for years and years and years and years and years, I have seen you run around the track outside, faster than any animal or any machine, and for hours and hours and hours without getting tired. Today, thanks to your advice, I have become like you. I stayed off of the carrots and potatoes the farmer tried to give me and instead ate plenty of fresh oats and hay. I didn't do 100 laps at first, but I got from 20, to 30, to 40, eventually 100, with my record now sitting at 325 without getting tired (give or take one or two). I also gave myself 9 hours of sleep every day from 8 to 5, before the crack of dawn when the rooster crows. I would love to show you my speed! Let me show you how fast I am!"
I am sorry to say that the Big Horse was not at all impressed or flattered by what the Little Horse had said, but was instead rather annoyed to be talking to the Little Horse, blathering on about farmers, and records, and hours of sleep. However, she did not want anyone else to scold her for sending the Little Horse away, so she said, "Alright! Show me your paces!"
The Little Horse ran fast as lighting around and around the track. All of the other animals gazed as the Little Horse ran round and round the track quick as a motorbike without struggle. They whispered to each other in awe: "He's amazing!" "He's marvelous!" "Colossal!" "Stupendous!" "He's a champion!"
It was at "champion" when the Big Horse yelled "All right that's enough!" The Little Horse stopped dead in his tracks. The Big Horse, with a face as red as the sun, went up to the Little Horse and said:
"Little Horse, I know that for years and years and years and years and years, you've seen me run around the track outside, faster than any animal or any machine, and for hours and hours and hours without getting tired. I know that thanks to my stupid advice, you have become like me (or so you say). You stayed off of the carrots and potatoes the farmer tried to give you and instead ate plenty of fresh oats and hay. I know you didn't do 100 laps at first (you must have been fat), but you got from 20, to 30, to 40, eventually 100, with your record now sitting at 322 without getting tired (give or take one or two), and you also gave yourself 9 hours of sleep every day from 8 to 5, before the crack of dawn when the rooster crows. I've had enough blathering about farmers, records, and hours of sleep. I've also had enough about the animals calling you a champion when you're most obviously not. It's degrading! Go away and don't steal my rightful title!"
The Little Horse was shattered. He did not expect to have his hero call him out in this way. He stood in silence for a bit, and began to tear up. He held them back, and yelled at the Big Horse, saying:
"You are nothing like I had imagined you would be! You're stuck up and rude! You might run fast, but you don't have the manners for it!"
The Big Horse turned to him. "Oh yeah? Well at least I can still run faster than you!"
"How about a race? If I win, I become the new race horse!"
"Well if I win, I'll make sure you never run on this farm again!"
The Little Horse hesitated. "You're on! One week! The track! Be there!"
The farm animals gasped. They didn't expect to see a challenge like this in their lifetime, let alone from a Little Horse like him. The border collie went up to the Little Horse: "Are you sure you want to go through with this? This is a real tall order, and I don't want to see you go."
The Little Horse said "Miley, for years and years and years and years and years, I've seen the Big Horse run around the track outside, faster than any animal or any machine, and for hours and hours and hours without getting tired. I know that thanks to his advice, I've stayed off of the carrots and potatoes the farmer tried to give me and instead ate plenty of fresh oats and hay. I know I didn't do 100 laps at first (I must have been careless), but I got from 20, to 30, to 40, eventually 100, with my record now sitting at 326 without getting tired (give or take one or two), and I also gave yourself 9 hours of sleep every day from 8 to 5, before the crack of dawn when the rooster crows. But you know something: I've had enough blathering about farmers, records, and hours of sleep. I've also had enough about the animals calling me a champion when I'm most obviously not. I'm going to earn that title! I'm going to beat that Big Horse in the race! But first I need to practice. I need to practice harder than I ever had before."
So the Little Horse worked harder in a week than he had ever worked in a whole year. Thanks to his scheduling, he gave himself 10 hours of sleep every day from 6 to 4, way before the crack of dawn when the rooster crows. The farmer had usually given the Little Horse oats and hay to eat every day instead of fresh potatoes and carrots, but this time the Little Horse had stuck with green grass instead. The farmer was puzzled, but even more so when his wife came to him with 4 bags of oats, and scolding him about that and a large pile of uneaten hay in the Little Horse's stable. The Little Horse had done 300 laps, just as he did every day, but counted himself up through the days. It was the same at first, but then it was 350... 400... 475... then on the last day, the Little Horse gave a miraculous 546 without getting tired! (give or take 3 or 5). The Little Horse cried out to the setting sun: "Watch out Big Horse, here I come!"
The race was about to start. All of the animals were lined up against the fences. The Little Horse was waiting at the starting line, until at last the Big Horse showed up.
"You're up early this morning", he said.
"I am, and I've been up, ready for this race."
"You want to back out now, before you make the biggest mistake of your life? I might spare you the humiliation and exile, you know."
"You can forget it, Big Horse. I'm ready to beat you."
The gopher started the race. "First one to 50 laps is the winner!" The Little Horse smiled: he could do it in his sleep! The Big Horse scooted her hooves on the ground: she always did this before a big race.
The gopher held up his arm. "On your mark... get set...
...GO!"
Boy what a race it was! The Little Horse got neck and neck with the Big Horse for a full 30 laps. A year and a week ago from today, the Little Horse would have never gotten this far, lucky to even get 10 laps before the Big Horse would beat him, and here he was racing against her, by a nose! Cows were mooing and stomping! Sheep were baaing and shaking! The farmer's wife had even gone outside to see the commotion, and scolded the farmer on what a terrible job he was doing to keep the noise down around here! It truly was very exciting.
It was until the next lap that the Big Horse got a little extra lead. Then a little more. And a little more. The Little Horse tried, but he just couldn't keep up with the Big Horse. This is where the Little Horse had made his mistake: he had counted laps instead of time. Rather than test out how fast he could run, he had tested how far. Thus, he didn't challenge himself for speed, and had instead challenged himself for stamina. The Little Horse realized this mistake, but only too late: the Big Horse had beaten the Little Horse by a full lap.
The Big Horse galloped in triumph! She beamed in selfish glee, taking a victory lap, and said:
"You see who is the champion, Little Horse! You see who is the true race horse! Now, it is time for you to keep up your end of the bargain: leave this place, and never come back!"
The Little Horse, sadder than he had ever been, even sadder than he had been a week ago when the Big Horse insulted him, bowed his head down in defeat, and walked out into the pasture. The other animals felt so sorry for the Little Horse, and were very angry at the Big Horse. No one had talked to her for weeks and weeks on end. The Big Horse took no notice at first, but eventually her habits begun to change.
Every morning the Big Horse would wake up promptly at noon, far after the rooster crowed. She stopped eating oats and hay, and had instead accepted candy and ice cream from the children who came to visit her every day (you can imagine what the farmer's wife must think about that). The Big Horse would usually race around the track doing many laps, but no one had come to see her. She went down to 200. 100. 50. 20. 10. Eventually, she did not practice at all for many days. She lost races. She became very fat. Her manager came by discussing of selling her off to another farm. The Big Horse was heartbroken, and had no one to share it with. "I just want someone to talk to..."
It was then that her wishes were answered: the border collie Miley went up to the Big Horse. The Big Horse looked up. Miley hesitated for a while, then spoke.
"Big Horse, I know you get tired of hearing about the Little Horse... but he sees you as a hero. For years and years and years and years and years, Little Horse has seen you running around the track outside, faster than any animal or any machine, and for hours and hours and hours without getting tired. He loves you so and thanks to your advice, he's stayed off of the carrots and potatoes the farmer tried to give him and instead ate plenty of fresh oats and hay. He didn't do 100 laps at first (you have to start somewhere), but he got from 20, to 30, to 40, eventually 100, with his record now sitting at 551 without getting tired (give or take 3 or 5), and he also gave himself 10 hours of sleep every day from 6 to 4, way before the crack of dawn when the rooster crows. But you know something: I can see you've had enough blathering about farmers, records, and hours of sleep. And I see that none of the animals are calling you a champion, and I can see you're not at the moment, unfortunately. Regardless, the Little Horse did everything for you, and all you did was send him away. I plead you, no I BEG you, go back to the Little Horse. Tell him all is not lost. Tell him he may not be the fastest, but he's an amazing horse regardless. He won't listen to me, but he might listen to... his hero...
Please... just go out and find him... we miss him so..."
The Big Horse looked quizzical, and said "Gee, a talking dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78n5c1/the_little_horse_an_inspirational_childrens_story/
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Grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78n4zj/grandpas_last_words_before_he_kicked_the_bucket/
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My penis just entered the Guinness Book of World Records!

Then the librarian caught me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78n4yw/my_penis_just_entered_the_guinness_book_of_world/
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Do not underestimate your abilities.

That is your boss's job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78n4o9/do_not_underestimate_your_abilities/
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Timmy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together

, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
Timmy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
Timmy answered no.
Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
Timmy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
Timmy answered no, again.
Grandpa said, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, Timmy came out of the house with a plate of cookies.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
Timmy asks "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my asshole!"
Timmy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."
Edit : your to you're

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78n4bu/timmy_and_his_grandfather_are_sitting_on_the/
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Me Having a Girlfriend

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78n3jx/me_having_a_girlfriend/
%
How much food does it take to kill a communist?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78n36t/how_much_food_does_it_take_to_kill_a_communist/
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A baby's laughter can be the most beautiful sound you will ever hear...

Unless it's 3am
And you're home alone
And you don't have a baby...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78n10q/a_babys_laughter_can_be_the_most_beautiful_sound/
%
How does NASA organize a party?

They planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78mz3p/how_does_nasa_organize_a_party/
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My grandfather said, “Your generation relies too much on technology.”

So I said, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!”
Then I unplugged the life support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78mycw/my_grandfather_said_your_generation_relies_too/
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I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is how politics works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78mwew/i_told_my_son_you_will_marry_the_girl_i_choose/
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Two guys are walking in the woods when

a wolf attacks them. They suffer a few bites, but they get patched up and go about their lives. The next month, on the next full moon, they suddenly change into wolves and run in the woods and kill a deer and do other wolf stuff.
In the morning they wake back up as humans. The first guy starts losing it. “Oh my god!” He shouts. “We are wolves!”
The second guys goes to calm him down. “No, now, we are humans. We werewolves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78muqj/two_guys_are_walking_in_the_woods_when/
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One afternoon a lawyer is riding in his limousine

While on his ride, he notices 2 men on the side of the road eating grass.  He stops, concerned a bit to talk to the 2 men.
He gets out of his limousine and goes up to one of the men and asks "Hey man, why are you eating grass?
Man 1: Well, you see, when your homeless and have nothing to eat this is sometimes what we have to resort to
Lawyer: I see, that's no way to live, why don't you come over to my place and I'll get you something to eat
Man 1: Id love to but me and my family of 3 couldn't possibly take up that offer
He then points to his family who are under a tree, also eating grass. The lawyer notices and then goes up to the other man
Lawyer: You couldn't possibly turn down a nice meal at my place could you?
The other man looks pitifully at the lawyer and replies, "I would love to but me and my family with 6 kids couldn't possibly take an offer like that." He then points over to another tree where is family too, is also eating grass.
After some convincing of the 2 men and their families, the lawyer guides them to his limousine which they all get in, it's a little tight however as fitting that many people in a limousine is a rather tough task to accomplish.
Once they are all settled in, one of the men look at the lawyer and say, "I really appreciate you taking this time to help us get a good meal that we really need during these tough times". The lawyer then replies
"Yeah, no problem, the grass at my house is at least 2 feet high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78mudr/one_afternoon_a_lawyer_is_riding_in_his_limousine/
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I brought a girl back to my house, took her up to my bedroom and said, "This is where the magic happens, babe."

She said, "Oh really? I'm getting excited now!"
So I said, "Yes. Pick a card..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78mt8z/i_brought_a_girl_back_to_my_house_took_her_up_to/
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What’s the key to a good joke?timing.

In case you missed it it’s
Timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78mr9w/whats_the_key_to_a_good_joketiming/
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It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...

Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78mg6h/it_is_my_sad_duty_to_report_the_death_of_my/
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6:30 is the best time on a clock

.hands down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78mdlh/630_is_the_best_time_on_a_clock/
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The Perfect Son

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78m7j8/the_perfect_son/
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It's worth it

One of my buddies loves this joke and I figured I would share it with the reddit world because I love it too:
So this guy was driving through the desert, it was a hot day and his car was an old junker. About 5 miles outside of town the car finnally kicks the bucket. So, with no other choice, the guy begins to walk to town. After what feels like hours the guy stumbles upon an oasis in the middle of some dunes.
At the center of this oasis is a lever with a snake on it. The man approaches the snake, curious but afraid at the same time. As he approaches the snake begins to speak to him: "Hello friend, my name is Nate. I am the protector of this lever here. This lever is the most dangerous in the world. If you were to switch it you would destroy the world and life as we know it. I'm supposed to kill anyone who stumbles upon this place, but this is your lucky day. I have a proposition for you: Take my son with you back to the city, let him explore it with you, teach him the way of life and this world so that when the time comes that he needs to replace me he will understand what he is protecting.
The man agrees and takes Nate's son back with him to the city. Every few months they both drive back to tell nate all that they have seen and explored until one day the man receives a message that Nate needs to see him and his son immediately; he is dying. So they get into the man's car and make haste to get to Nate before its too late. The man knows his way to the oasis now since they have been driving to and from it frequently. As he is cresting the final dune to get into the oasis the worst possible thing happens: the breaks go out on his car. As the car is racing down the dune at a high rate of speed the man looks up and notices that he is headed straight for the lever. But Nate isn't on the lever he is curled up a few feet to the side of the lever. The man is left with two choices: 1) Run over the lever and destroy the world and life as he knows it or 2) Run over Nate with his son in the car and ruin any chance that Nate has to pass on his duty to his son. The man didn't have much time to think but made a desicion:
Better Nate, then lever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78m4os/its_worth_it/
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A Father Tucks His Son in..

A father goes upstairs to tuck his son into bed. As he reaches his son's door, he hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, dad, grandma and bye bye granddad. The father thought the prayer was a little strange but nothing more. The next morning the family gets a phone call that granddad had dies of a heart attack. The father remember his sons pray and was a little worried but he shrugged it off. A couple of weeks and the father goes to tuck his son in, sure enough he hears his son praying " Please God look after mum, dad and bye-bye grandma. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandma had of a stroke. The father is worried about this but still shrugs it off. A couple more weeks pass and the father goes to tuck his son in. He hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, bye bye daddy. Now the father freaks out about his, he doesn't sleep at all that night and when he goes to work he cant do anything because of his worrying. Whem he gets home he says to his wife "you wouldn't know how much of a I've had a terrible day i had today". Too which his wife replies "you think you had a bad day? I found the bloody postman dead on our doorstep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78m2o5/a_father_tucks_his_son_in/
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Tony was in court filing for divorce just few months after marriage

Tony married one of a pair of identical twins.
A few months later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Would you tell the court your reason for wanting a divorce," the judge said.
"Well, Your Honor," Tony  began, "periodically my sister-in-law would come over
for a visit and because she and my wife are identical,
occasionally I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"I understand they're identical twins, but surely there must be some difference
between the two women," said the judge.
"Precisely, Your Honor," replied Tony "That's why I want a divorce."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78m1le/tony_was_in_court_filing_for_divorce_just_few/
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How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. Because we are efficient and not very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78lykt/how_many_germans_do_you_need_to_change_a_light/
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During a job interview yesterday, I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly...

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.
I replied simply, "No, I always give 110%."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78lv4d/during_a_job_interview_yesterday_i_poured_some/
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A guy walks into a tavern.

As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender,
"What's that all about?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later.
So the guy asked the bartender for a drink.
The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."
"Okay," said the guy.
He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it.
Poof.
Out came a genie.
The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks.
A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared.
In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks."
The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78lt44/a_guy_walks_into_a_tavern/
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My friend Gav recently passed away after suffering from heartburn

I can't believe Gaviscon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78lrjs/my_friend_gav_recently_passed_away_after/
%
What do Rick and Morty fans and Reddit have in common?

...
I don't know, you're all geniuses; You tell me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78lomg/what_do_rick_and_morty_fans_and_reddit_have_in/
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Son comes home after giving an exam.

Dad: So, how was the exam?
Son: I knew all the answers, but one question got me confused.
Dad: What was the question?
Son: Well, the question was 'What's the past tense of *think*? '. I didn't know the answer, so I thought and thought and finally wrote *thank*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78likw/son_comes_home_after_giving_an_exam/
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What's 5Q + 5Q equal to?

You're welcome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78lew0/whats_5q_5q_equal_to/
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''My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave''

''Dave was bragging to his boss one day, You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise? "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky."No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78lefx/my_favorite_joke_everyone_knows_dave/
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I was going to make a joke about a Mobius Loop

But it was too one sided

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78lec9/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_a_mobius_loop/
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What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium?

O Mg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78lch3/what_did_the_scientist_said_after_mixing_oxygen/
%
Penguins

A cop pulls over a station wagon for running a red light. When the officer gets up to the car, he sees a bunch of penguins in the back of the station wagon. He writes the driver a ticket and tells him, "I want you to take these penguins to the zoo!"
A couple days later the cop sees the same station wagon run the same red light. He pulls him over again. As he walks up to the car, he sees a beach ball and a bunch of penguins wearing sunglasses in the back. He tells the driver, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
The driver responds, "I did, Officer. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
My dad told me this joke decades ago. Haven't seen it on here yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78lbxh/penguins/
%
I have sex almost every day

Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78lbu8/i_have_sex_almost_every_day/
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Rarely, hikers of the Appalachian trail report seeing psychic grizzlies take control of their friends, who start foraging and looking for honey...

Bear in mind, that doesn't happen very often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78l9z5/rarely_hikers_of_the_appalachian_trail_report/
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Three conspiracy theories walk into a bar...

No way that's a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78l8yn/three_conspiracy_theories_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I used to have a problem with grammatical tenses.

But not yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78l8q6/i_used_to_have_a_problem_with_grammatical_tenses/
%
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant!

Those dirty bastards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78l7zi/thieves_broke_into_my_house_and_stole_everything/
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I told my doctor that my testicles seemed asymmetrical

He said there was a vas deferens between the two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78l74x/i_told_my_doctor_that_my_testicles_seemed/
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"According to relativity, time itself travels at the speed of light, but along the imaginary axis."

"i c"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78l6iy/according_to_relativity_time_itself_travels_at/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Domestic violence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78l4co/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
Knowing where to put the punchline.

What's the secret to a good joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78l49w/knowing_where_to_put_the_punchline/
%
Why did the guy with Down's Syndrome enter an RV contest at a bagel shop?

He wanted to Winnebago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78l0dy/why_did_the_guy_with_downs_syndrome_enter_an_rv/
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Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius.

Because I'm not dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78kzcy/isaac_newton_died_a_virgin_that_means_i_have_one/
%
I'm super good at sleeping,

I can do it with my eyes closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78kyuy/im_super_good_at_sleeping/
%
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78kye1/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
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The Amish Space Program is at a stalemate

Jebediah and the boys just cannot figure out how to get the horses to go vertical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78kutc/the_amish_space_program_is_at_a_stalemate/
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Two dwarfs go into a bar ...

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an a full erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH!"... " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!"..... "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.
Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go? "
The first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get it up for the girl. "
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78kus1/two_dwarfs_go_into_a_bar/
%
We love Alcohol so much...

If something good happens, we drink to celebrate it.
If something bad happens, we drink to forget it and drown our sorrows.
If nothing happens, we drink to make things happen.
We need to do something about this problem my fellow friends, Please can we meet for a drink and discuss this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78krgl/we_love_alcohol_so_much/
%
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered...

Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"
"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78kokk/three_sons_left_home_went_out_on_their_own_and/
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And what starting salary are you looking for?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78klzs/and_what_starting_salary_are_you_looking_for/
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Europeans use too many gyros for the slaughter of animals. Let's alert PITA.

That was a terrible pun. I falafel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78klmv/europeans_use_too_many_gyros_for_the_slaughter_of/
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Kid Rock announced he won't be running for the Republican Michigan Senate nomination .

This come as a great relief to Democratic challenger Kid Scissors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78kkwn/kid_rock_announced_he_wont_be_running_for_the/
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My Toilet is seeing a therapist now.

Let's just say it's seen some shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78kk5i/my_toilet_is_seeing_a_therapist_now/
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How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?

Pretty good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78kgey/how_did_the_redneck_find_his_sister_in_the_woods/
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I don't like political jokes

They always get elected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78k983/i_dont_like_political_jokes/
%
A guy asked an officer “why is a dog called a K9?”

“Because if its K10, it’ll be a cat”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78k57z/a_guy_asked_an_officer_why_is_a_dog_called_a_k9/
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Two Mohels and a Vicar are playing cards

So, two mohels and a vicar are playing a game of cards. And somewhere along the way, they get into an argument -- as they always did -- about who among the three should host dinner that night. You see, they're all very passionate dinner hosts.
One of the mohels says "You should come to my house, I have the most beautiful house in the village!"
The other mohel says "No, you should come to my house. I am the best chef in the village."
Then the vicar goes "No, you should both come to my house. I have the best wine!"
This bickering goes on for about 20 minutes, until finally in the heat of the moment, the vicar yells "Very well! We shall decide who the host his, with the cards."
"So it shall be god's will." says one of the mohels.
And so, they all start playing. It's an intense game. Many mind tricks, bluffs, everyone plays to the top of their abilities. An hour passes. Two. Then in the third hour, the vicar lays down his cards to the dismay of both of the mohels. A royal flush. Both the mohels were practically blown away. The perfect hand!
"Impossible!" says one.
"It is god's will." the other shrugs.
"Then so you shall come to my house!" said the vicar, pleased with his luck.. And to the vicar, went the mohels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78k4rq/two_mohels_and_a_vicar_are_playing_cards/
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I just sneezed while eating alphabet soup...

...took the words right out of my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78k4gb/i_just_sneezed_while_eating_alphabet_soup/
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What is the difference between a politician and a whore?

A whore is open about how they fuck people for money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78jvdz/what_is_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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How did Jesus pay for our sins?

With praypal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78jpot/how_did_jesus_pay_for_our_sins/
%
I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78jmiu/i_did_an_ancestrycom_family_history_today_and/
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Why was everyone besides the outdoorsman laughing?

It was an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78jfqs/why_was_everyone_besides_the_outdoorsman_laughing/
%
What do you call a retired cancer doctor?

An Offcologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78j9f5/what_do_you_call_a_retired_cancer_doctor/
%
My 5-year-old son told me he wanted to go to the moon.

I said, "I want you to go to the moon too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78j5pa/my_5yearold_son_told_me_he_wanted_to_go_to_the/
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What’s a trees favorite dating app?

Timber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78j3ia/whats_a_trees_favorite_dating_app/
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My Girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday.

So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78j2ok/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_treat_her_like_a/
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Everyone's talking about the 90s like it was almost thirty years ago...

Oh.
...Fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78j1pf/everyones_talking_about_the_90s_like_it_was/
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A man walks into a bar

The bartender asks “why the long face?”
The man replies “I just found out that my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”
The bar tender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry, I can’t help you kill yourself.”
The man asks “well what would you do in my situation?”
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says “if I found out that a guy is sleeping with my wife, I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I would kill the guy.”
A couple of hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks into the bar with a smile on his face.
“Did you kill the guy?” the bartender asks nervously
“Nope!” I slept with your wife. Whisky please”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78izfb/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why will the 2018 world cup in Russia be so cold?

There's no Chile in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ixak/why_will_the_2018_world_cup_in_russia_be_so_cold/
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What's the appropriate response for seeing someone with chocolate on their face?

"Snickers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78iwel/whats_the_appropriate_response_for_seeing_someone/
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Where do all the keyboard keys get drunk?

At the space bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78iqtb/where_do_all_the_keyboard_keys_get_drunk/
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What did Earth say to the other planets?

Wow. You guys have no life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ilra/what_did_earth_say_to_the_other_planets/
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A man goes to mcdonalds and orders a big mac with a large fry.

The cashier says, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ilnn/a_man_goes_to_mcdonalds_and_orders_a_big_mac_with/
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Having a bad day?

Just remember that in the movie “Air Bud”, some kid got kicked off his school basketball team... and replaced by a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ijcl/having_a_bad_day/
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What do you get when you spell 'man' backwards

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ij12/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
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Alaska

These two guys had both just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.” The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. They guys asked, “What’s that board for?”
The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”
They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life! Women are nothing but trouble."
The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.”
“Okay” they said, and left.
The following year one of the guys came into the trader’s store and said “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”
The trader said, “Weren’t you here last year with a partner?”
“Yeah,” said the guy.
“Where is he?” asked the trader.
“I shot him”, said the guy.
“Why?”
“I caught him in bed with my board.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78iejk/alaska/
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Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He had to work it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ib84/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_constipated/
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Rednecks had a baby

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78i9r0/rednecks_had_a_baby/
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A man gives a kid baby carrots on Halloween.

The kid hands them back.
The man says, "why did you do that?
The kid says,"exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78i63j/a_man_gives_a_kid_baby_carrots_on_halloween/
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What is the name of that restaurant?

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78i4cy/what_is_the_name_of_that_restaurant/
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What's warm, thick, and white?

A really shitty fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78i1os/whats_warm_thick_and_white/
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A girl is out with her friend when says,

"Hey, do you see what I see over at that motel?!?"
the friend replies, "no, what is it?"
In anger she says to her friend, "That's my dad's car! I know it's my dad's car because the license ends in 0 and has the university sticker that I put on it. I can't believe it. Mom's at home taking care of the house and that no good, two-timing dad of mine is having an affair!"
Her friend says,"So...now what?"
"Come with me," says the daughter. They go over to the parking lot, pick up some bricks and bash the lights, bash a window, they key the car and slash the tires. "That'll teach my dad to think twice before he goes out and cheats on my mother!" The two friends go off and enjoy the rest of the evening and later the daughter comes home to find her dad watching TV, very upset.
"Something bothering you dad?" she asks sarcastically, "you seem to be upset."
He says, "Course I'm upset, don't you see I let your mother borrow the car today and she brought it back a wreck?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78hzk8/a_girl_is_out_with_her_friend_when_says/
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An aging man lived alone in Ireland.

His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78hu9i/an_aging_man_lived_alone_in_ireland/
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How do you discipline a coffee bean?

You ground it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78htj8/how_do_you_discipline_a_coffee_bean/
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A Calvinist dies and goes to heaven

. When he arrives, he sees two lines to get in. One is labeled "Predestination" and one is labeled "Free Will". So, being a Calvinist, he goes to the back of the Predestination line and waits for his turn.
When he gets to the front of the line, the angel looks him over and asks, "Why did you get in this line?" to which he relies, "Well, I believe in predestination, so I chose to get in this line." The angel shakes his head and says, "No, no, no, you belong in that line over there." so the Calvinist gets in the Free Will line.
Once again he waits until he's at the front and once again the angel at the front looks him over and asks why he got in this line. "Well, that guy over there told me to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78hldc/a_calvinist_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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I got a prostate exam yesterday and that went pretty smoothly.

The doctor had both hands on my shoulders though, so I was a bit confused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78hklz/i_got_a_prostate_exam_yesterday_and_that_went/
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Did you hear the one about the astronaut masturbating for ninety minutes in orbit?

He came full circle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78hi25/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_astronaut/
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A deer walks out of a gay bar

He curses under his breath and says “can’t believe I blew 30 bucks in there”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78h98k/a_deer_walks_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you?

Drown them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78h8dm/water_can_solve_all_your_issues_want_to_lose/
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Oh yeah, I REALLY hate cigars.

-Fidel Sarcastro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78h761/oh_yeah_i_really_hate_cigars/
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Son, I really wish your Grandpa were here today. I know what he would say if he were alive right now.

"What's that, Dad?"
He'd say "Hey motherfuckers! Let me out of this fucking box!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78h6yo/son_i_really_wish_your_grandpa_were_here_today_i/
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Someone told me I was condescending today

Condescending means you talk down to people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78h4kv/someone_told_me_i_was_condescending_today/
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I was fired from my job at the library.

Apparently, books on women's rights don't belong in the fiction section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78h3ly/i_was_fired_from_my_job_at_the_library/
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IN SOVIET RUSSIA, YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

THEREFORE, YOU ARE NOTHING.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78gxtt/in_soviet_russia_you_are_what_you_eat/
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How do you feel when there's no coffee?

Depresso.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78gx40/how_do_you_feel_when_theres_no_coffee/
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Why is the birthrate in Japan so low?

Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78grxu/why_is_the_birthrate_in_japan_so_low/
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My girlfriend and I got in a fight the other day...

After a minute, she said "This is the last straw" and left.
I panicked.  I called and texted wondering where she was.
After what felt like an eternity, she comes walking in the front door with groceries.  Confused, I said, "I thought you were gone forever? I thought you were done with me."
She said "No honey...I told you...we ran out of straws..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78gr1c/my_girlfriend_and_i_got_in_a_fight_the_other_day/
%
A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat.

He says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please".
The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!"
The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78goqn/a_dog_walks_into_a_pub_and_takes_a_seat/
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I was once driving down the road..

..where I read a sign which said,
“Speed limit 30km”
I slowed down to 30km/h
A little further, another one
“Speed limit 20km”
I had to slow down even more,
Moving on, I saw another one
“Speed limit 10km”
My speedometer had come down to 10km/h
Not long after that, there was another
“Speed limit 1km”
I pulled over and started pushing my car to a point where I finally saw the last sign,
“Welcome to Speed Limit”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78gn3u/i_was_once_driving_down_the_road/
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I've decided I won't drink any more

But I also wont be drinking any less

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78gn0x/ive_decided_i_wont_drink_any_more/
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A man is sleeping soundly in bed…

…until he is abruptly woken by a blood-curdling scream, the likes of which he has never heard before. He sits upright and looks out the window and knows immediately that it came from the temple next door. He curses himself for moving to such a stupid location, but it was his first night in the house and after all, he had no way of knowing this would happen before he moved in.
In the morning he goes over to the temple and asks them to explain the noise he heard last night. The Head Monk explains to him quite plainly that he can’t say what the noise was because it was part of the sacred monk initiation ritual and only monks could know the origin of the screaming. The man is, of course, annoyed at this response but accepts it, mutters something about “stupid monks” and goes home.
That night, the same thing happens again. He is awoken by the scream and is frustrated enough that he goes back to the temple in the morning and asks to be a monk. The Head Monk says that he is pleased that the man would like to join their order and explains that there is just one task that the man must complete in order to join (and he confirms that the man will learn the cause of the screaming as well). The task is to unlock the blue door with this key, the monk says, and hands the man a perfectly normal looking key.
The man is a little confused, but, more or less excited to see what the screaming is coming from.
So the monk leads the man into a small, square room with a door on one edge and a beautiful table in the middle, maybe 1 ft square and 4 ft off the ground. The door is red, but the man only has the one key so he tries to unlock it anyway. Much to his surprise, the door unlocks and opens but the key disappears only to magically reappear back on the table. No matter, the man thinks, he goes and grabs the key and walks through the red door into another room.
This room has a green door in it, so the man once again unlocks the door, loses the key and sees that its back on the table. He knows he’ll need it for the blue door at least so he walks back through the red door and into the room with the table, grabs the key, and walks back through the red door and then through the green door where he finds a long hallway. He heads down the long hallway and at the very end finds an orange door. He tries the orange door (its locked of course) and once again puts the key in to unlock it.
The key once again disappears and the man assumes its back on the table in the first room so he heads down the long hallway, through the green door through the red door and finds the key on the table. He picks it up and heads back out through the red door, through the green door, down the long hallway and through the recently unlocked orange door and he finds himself in an elevator. No lock on the elevator and only one button, so the man presses the button and begins his ascent. The elevator doors open to another door, this one is yellow, and is unfortunately locked. So the man uses the key only to see it disappear once again. So the man turns around and heads down the elevator and then through the orange door and down the long hallway and through the green door and through the red door to find the key on the table. He picks it up and walks back out through the red door, through the green door, down the long hallway, through the orange door, up the elevator and through the yellow door at the end. He now finds himself in a grand circular room with eight doors!
Much to his dismay, none are blue. But he is a dedicated and methodical man so he picks a door at random and decided to work in a circle from there. So the first door he picks is black. He goes to open it and it’s the same story, the key disappears. So he turns back to go out through the yellow door, down the elevator, out the orange door, down the long hallway through the green door through the red door and grabs the key. He takes a second to breathe before going back out the red door, through the green door, down the long hallway, through the orange door, up the elevator, through the yellow door and then checks the black door. He swings it open to reveal a brick wall. Still having hope, he moves to the next door, this one is white. He goes to unlock the door and as soon as he does, the key disappears. The man goes out through the yellow door, down the elevator, out the orange door, down the long hallway through the green door through the red door and grabs the key. Then he travels back out the red door, through the green door, down the long hallway, through the orange door, up the elevator, through the yellow door and then checks the white door. This door has another wall. Luck is really not on his side today.
So he skips the next door, hoping for some good fortune and unlocks the gray door. I think by now the magic of the key is generally understood so of course he has to go back out through the yellow door, down the elevator, out the orange door, down the long hallway through the green door through the red door and grabs the key. Then he heads out the red door, through the green door, down the long hallway, through the orange door, up the elevator, through the yellow door and then checks the gray door. This door leads him to a twisting hallway. He travels through the hall and finds a pink door at the very end. He unlocks the pink door and immediately turns around to grab the key. Hes walking down the hallway and he thinks that he probably should check to see if that door led anywhere so he could know if he had to go back down the hall again. But, our man is lazy so he makes it to the circular room, goes out the yellow door, rides the elevator down, goes through the orange door, walks down the long hallway, walks through the green door and then through the red door to grab the key resting on the table. He takes the key through the red door, through the green door, down the long hallway, through the orange door, up the elevator, through the yellow door, into the circular room, through the grey door, down the twisting hallways and up to the pink door which he opens to find another wall. So he heads back through the twisting hallway and stands in the circular room again. He goes back to the door he skipped, its purple. He uses the key to unlock it and remembers to open the door and check. Much to his excitement, there is a blue door on the other side of the room! So he heads out through the purple door, out through the yellow door, down the elevator, out the orange door, down the long hallway, through the green door and through the red door, barely stops to grab the key and then heads back through the red door, then the green door, then down the long hallway then through the orange door then up the elevator then through the yellow door into the circular room and then through the purple door. Hes finally confronted with the blue door. He goes up to it, hand shaking in anticipation, and opens the door. At long last sees where the screaming was coming from. I really wish I could tell you, but you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78gk5r/a_man_is_sleeping_soundly_in_bed/
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George and the Dragon

A poor vagabond, travelling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some food?" he asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition.
"No!" she said rather sternly.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she snapped again.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!"
By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The vagabond tried again: "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.
"Do you suppose I might have a word with George instead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78gjyy/george_and_the_dragon/
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A lawyer gets his first visitor in his new law firm.

To give the visitor an image that he is an impressive lawyer, he picked up his landline phone, pressed a few buttons and said into it, "Yes, Mr. Jones, I get the impression that you are desperate to get your house back, so can we set up an appointment tomorrow to discuss the formalities? …How about 2 pm tomorrow in my office? …Alright, I'll see you then."
He looked at the visitor and said, "Sorry, I have another call to make. Busy day today, everyone wants my services. I'll get to you in a minute."
He picks up the phone again and pressed a few buttons again. "…Hello? Can I speak to Mr Jackson, please? This is his lawyer, informing him that the fees haven't been transferred to my account yet. Will you relay that info to him, please? Yes, thank you."
He puts down the phone and faced the visitor. "Yes?" he asked. "How may I help you today?"
"I'm here to set up your new landline, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78gekw/a_lawyer_gets_his_first_visitor_in_his_new_law/
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Help! I need activity suggestions. I’m going to hang out with my father, first thing tomorrow morning. He’s a retired Naval officer and an alcoholic.

What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78gbeg/help_i_need_activity_suggestions_im_going_to_hang/
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Constipation

A nun walks into liquor store and asks for a half whiskey. The shopkeeper looks at her inquisitively, she adds,
"It's for Mother Superior's constipation."
So the shopkeeper says, "OK."
She pays for the whiskey and leaves. Two hours later, the shopkeeper closes the store and walks home through a park.
He spots the same nun in the park sitting on a bench, roaring drunk.
"Shame on you, Sister", he says, "I thought that whiskey was for Mother Superior's constipation".
"It is," she slurrs. "When she sees me drunk, she'll shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78gakl/constipation/
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I changed all my light switches to carbon fiber ones

They make the rooms lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78g9yj/i_changed_all_my_light_switches_to_carbon_fiber/
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How did Thomas the Tank become a faster steam engine?

He trained.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78g9gw/how_did_thomas_the_tank_become_a_faster_steam/
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Never tell your friend a good joke while he's driving...

You could be charged with vehicular manslaughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78g8s1/never_tell_your_friend_a_good_joke_while_hes/
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So I met this Prostitute and I asked for a blow job.

Turns out she sucks at her job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78g6qc/so_i_met_this_prostitute_and_i_asked_for_a_blow/
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A nun was going to Chicago.

She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!
Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."
Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78g4cg/a_nun_was_going_to_chicago/
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Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot...

They’re both cauldron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78g2o9/harry_potter_cant_tell_the_difference_between_his/
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My ex wife used to hit me with stringed instraments

If only I had known she had a history of violins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78g0o4/my_ex_wife_used_to_hit_me_with_stringed/
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What do you call a sick cup of coffe?

A coughy mug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78fzke/what_do_you_call_a_sick_cup_of_coffe/
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Paddy tries to get lucky

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Every Fill-Up."
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again Paddy asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all."
Paddy replied, "No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78fsme/paddy_tries_to_get_lucky/
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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."
Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."
Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on."
All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob.
Her Majesty: "Now what's this?"
Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this man has much better health insurance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78fql7/the_queen_of_england_is_taking_a_tour_of_an/
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Parallel lines have so many similarities...

...It's a shame they'll never meet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78fp8x/parallel_lines_have_so_many_similarities/
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Two brothers are talking about life,

Bro 1: Why do you think I ended up with 9 kids and you have none.
Bro 2: That's because I use the safe period.
Bro 1: What's the safe period?
Bro 2: When you're at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78fmge/two_brothers_are_talking_about_life/
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I was about to kill myself yesterday...

Had the noose tied and stool ready. Just when I was about to hang myself, I decide to call the National Suicide Hotline. I told them that I was going to hang myself. They said "Hang on for a moment".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78fjw9/i_was_about_to_kill_myself_yesterday/
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A man's choice

A man wanted to get married.  He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.  He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover.  She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup;  buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.  As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78fhnl/a_mans_choice/
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Joke #

361747

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78fdxn/joke/
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Would you remarry?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78fb2y/would_you_remarry/
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A boss is confronted with the difficult decision of downsizing one of his employees.

He spends all week reviewing employee files and records and finally narrows it down to two candidates, Jack Wilson or Betty Sims.
Friday comes around and he still hasn't made the decision. They're both equally qualified in every way, and neither has any real black marks on their record. Finally at 5 o'clock, the only employee still in the office is Betty. She pops into his office to say goodnight and notices how stressed out he is.
"What's troubling you, Fred?" she asks.
"To be completely honest, I've been sitting here wondering whether I should lay you or Jack off."
She raises an eyebrow and says, "Well, I have a bus to catch. So you're gonna have to jack off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78faue/a_boss_is_confronted_with_the_difficult_decision/
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A man buys a lie detector robot....

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people that lie
Dad: son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: at school.
The robot slaps the son.
Son: ok! I watched a DVD at my friends house.
Dad: which one?
Son: Kung fu panda
The robot slaps the son again
Son: Ok! It was a porno
Dad: WHAT?!? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!
The robot slaps the dad
Mom: hahahaha! After all he’s your son
The robot slaps the mom....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78f8zw/a_man_buys_a_lie_detector_robot/
%
Playing my instrument quietly

Is not my Forte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78f7s3/playing_my_instrument_quietly/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78f77d/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_there/
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All the good chemistry puns...

Argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78f6ri/all_the_good_chemistry_puns/
%
What does a stoner use to cut wood?

A saw dude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78f663/what_does_a_stoner_use_to_cut_wood/
%
I was sober for 10 years.

"What happened?"
"I turned 11."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78f2l1/i_was_sober_for_10_years/
%
Three vampires walk into a bar.

First vampire asks the bartender for a shot of blood, the bartender gives him the shot, he drinks it and leaves.
The second vampire also asks the bartender for a shot of blood, he drinks it and leaves.
The third vampires asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender looks puzzled and says, _"a glass of water?"_ The vampires pulls out a used tampon and says, _"tea time."_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78f1dv/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ez7v/i_cant_see_an_end_i_have_no_control_and_i_dont/
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Why do married men die before their wives?

Because they want to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78eykq/why_do_married_men_die_before_their_wives/
%
A guy asked a girl in a library: Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied with a loud voice: I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!
All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?
The guy responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ears: I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78evl7/a_guy_asked_a_girl_in_a_library_do_you_mind_if_i/
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An Englishman, an American and a Dutchman found a genie in an ancient tomb.

"BEHOLD MORTALS!" the genie bellowed. "I SHALL GRANT YOU IMMORTAL LIFE!"
Immediately, all three men are excited.
"But, dear chap, there must be a catch!" the Englishman yelled.
"Of course! You must beat me in a contest. You may throw anything, no matter how large or how small into a body of water. If I find it, you die. If I do not, you will be granted immortal life!"
"I've got just the right thing for this!" the Englishman said. He left, and came back. "You'll never find it!"
The genie laughed, and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. In ten minutes, he came back. "This penny is yours. It was lying at the bottom of the Thames."
"Bloody hell!" were the Englishman's last words.
"Now, y'all watch this." the American said and left. When he returned, he looked enormously smug.
With another booming laugh, the genie disappeared. After an hour, he returned. "This needle, you threw it into the Pacific Ocean."
"Ah damn." were the American's last words.
"Well, what an unfortunate business." the Dutchman said. "You know, I'll make this easy for you! I'm going to throw it in my pond in my backyard. But, at least give me a five minute headstart before you start searching."
"I can do that." the genie said, bewildered
And, true to his word, five minutes after the Dutchman hid his object, the genie started searching.
And after three days, searching the small pond top to bottom, he still couldn't find whatever the Dutchman had thrown in there.
"I give up." the genie said. "Immortal life is yours. But, out of curiosity, what did you hide in the pond?"
"Oh, just a tablet of aspirin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78evjb/an_englishman_an_american_and_a_dutchman_found_a/
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What’s the difference between a cop holding a speed gun and a vagina?

Nothing, they are both cunts behind a bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78euyo/whats_the_difference_between_a_cop_holding_a/
%
Why did the Klansmen fail calculus?

Because they hated integration so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78esrt/why_did_the_klansmen_fail_calculus/
%
Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...

...never to be heard from again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78esg2/every_year_hundreds_of_kids_are_shipped_off_to/
%
Why was the Ethiopian baby crying?

Because it was going through a mid life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78es7r/why_was_the_ethiopian_baby_crying/
%
Why did the police officer apprehend the insomniac?

They were resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ercm/why_did_the_police_officer_apprehend_the_insomniac/
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Didn't teach this in med school

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The Taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78el21/didnt_teach_this_in_med_school/
%
My husband made me break up with my boyfriend

That damn man is always meddling in my affairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ejr0/my_husband_made_me_break_up_with_my_boyfriend/
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Cops turned up at my place last night

"I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a car..."
I said "Yes but she has a great personality."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ejdq/cops_turned_up_at_my_place_last_night/
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Bear and rabbit get wishes

Bear and rabbit were just walking through the forest, as a fairy apearred. it granted both 3 wishes.
bears first wish was, to make every bear girl in this forest like only him. the rabbit on the other hand just wanted a very fast harley.
second wish from bear was that every bear girl on the whole planet should only like him. the rabbit wanted a helmet with ear holes.
as for the last wish the bear wanted every bear on earth to be female and to like him.
the rabbit had other plans though. he had put on his helmet, sat on his bike, started the engine and yelled as he was driving away: "I want the bear to be gay!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78efzg/bear_and_rabbit_get_wishes/
%
Did you hear Melania Trump is asking for a divorce?

She caught Donald screwing America on the side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78eb66/did_you_hear_melania_trump_is_asking_for_a_divorce/
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The School teacher sent home a note with her student..

The note reads, ”Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.”
Mother sends a note back the following day,”Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78e82c/the_school_teacher_sent_home_a_note_with_her/
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I always thought about playing the guitar

But there were just too many strings attached

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78e5n8/i_always_thought_about_playing_the_guitar/
%
Three men die and go to heaven

These three men namely Steve, Joseph and Dave hadn't ever touched alcohol, drugs or cigarettes. After they reach heaven God says,"Since you three have never done anything wrong in your life , you are free to choose whatever you want to do for the next 50 years, but once you enter the room you choose the gates won't open for the next half century." Steve says,"I choose the room with alcohol." Joseph says,"I choose the room with drugs." Finally Dave says,"I choose the room with the cigarettes." God says,"Fair enough." And let's each of them pass through. 50 years pass and the three of them come out.
God asks,"so how was it ?" Steve answers and says," It was the best thing , wish I would've done it while I was alive , it would've eased all my pain." "What about you Joseph ?" asked God, "Ohh , it was magical , those hallucinations we're extraordinary." "Dave how about you ?" asked God , to which Dave replied," Where the fuck was the lighter motherfucker ?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78e3wg/three_men_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed...
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78e0yl/two_bored_casino_dealers_are_waiting_at_the_crap/
%
A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded.

One day a woman knocked at his door.
“Is that your big dog outside?”
Wondering how she had got past him he said: “Yes why?”
She said "I’m sorry but my dog just killed him!”
“What?” Roared the man “What kind of dog have you got?”
“A Peke” Replied the woman.
“A Peke? How could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?”
“I think it got stuck in his throat!” replied the woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78dx34/a_man_was_very_proud_of_his_guard_dog_he_would/
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Strapped For Cash

During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78dvka/strapped_for_cash/
%
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78dsz7/boy_the_teacher_asked_how_much_is_23_and_i_said_6/
%
CEO asks the VP: “ Hey, have you been boning my new secretary?”

VP says: “No!”.
CEO: “Good, then YOU fire her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78dsxv/ceo_asks_the_vp_hey_have_you_been_boning_my_new/
%
I have a chicken proof lawn...

It's impeccable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ds7j/i_have_a_chicken_proof_lawn/
%
I found my wife on Tinder.

Has she been cheating as long as I have?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78dqvt/i_found_my_wife_on_tinder/
%
The Captain called the Sergeant in.

"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday.
Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.
Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died.
Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died.
You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.
"Ok, men, fall in and listen up.
Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.
NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78dq0t/the_captain_called_the_sergeant_in/
%
What do you call a Grammar Nazi?

Anti-Semantic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78dnc9/what_do_you_call_a_grammar_nazi/
%
Breast implants are like potato chips.

You can't have just one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78dmp0/breast_implants_are_like_potato_chips/
%
An engineer dies and goes to hell

Lucifer : I don't get it, you weren't supposed to be here, maybe there's some mixup, hold on...."*calls God*"
God : Yo Lucy, wassup?
Lucifer : Was Mr. Rowan supposed to be here, I don't find him on the list.
God : Oh yeah, he was supposed to be here in heaven. Looks like Reaper made a mistake. Anyway, keep him there for a while, I'll send the paperwork right away.
Lucifer : **ends call** well, looks like you are stuck here for a while.
Rowan : Oh well, "*looks around*" hey are those AC units?
Lucifer : Yeah, they have been broken since ages tho, some electrical stuff problems. Probably the reason why it's so hot in here.
Rowan : I used to operate on AC units. Mind if I take a look?
Lucifer : Go ahead.
"*After an hour later, God calls Lucifer*"
God : Yo Lucy, sending the paper work. Check it, stamp it, and send the guy over ASAP
Lucifer : Yeah you are not getting him back......
God : Why tho?
Lucifer : He fixed all the broken AC units here, feels better than heaven tbh. Sorry dude, but he's too valuable to let go.
God : Wtf dude, you can't do this.
Lucifer : Eh, what you gonna do?
God : I'll Sue your ass
Lucifer : Lol, good luck finding a lawyer in heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78djvc/an_engineer_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
My boss always complained about getting into conversations

I told him that the best way to end a conversation was to never start one.
He hasn't talked to me since that day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78djua/my_boss_always_complained_about_getting_into/
%
I'm very worried about my severe coffee addiction

It's been keeping me up every night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78dhsm/im_very_worried_about_my_severe_coffee_addiction/
%
Why isn't it a big deal to get sucked into a black hole?

Cause in there, nothing is the matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78dgdp/why_isnt_it_a_big_deal_to_get_sucked_into_a_black/
%
Last weekend I organised a threesome...

We were a couple people short but everyone still had a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78datz/last_weekend_i_organised_a_threesome/
%
A man gets pulled over for speeding

The police officer walks up to the car and asks the man why he got pulled over.
"Yeah, I was speeding, I always drive a bit faster after I've had a few beers"
The cop was stunned, "you mean to tell me that you were under the influence of alcohol?"
"Yeah I needed something to ease my nerves after I killed that guy"
The cop raises an eyebrow "you killed someone?"
"Oh yeah his body's in the trunk"
The officer was getting a bit nervous next to this admitted killer "May is see your papers?"
"Well I totally would get them for you but they're in the glove box and knife is in there and there's a lot of blood"
The cop hearing no more of this called for backup and ordered the man out of the car. When the backup arrived he found nothing.
"Well there was nobody in the trunk," the backup say to the man, "you have no traces of alcohol in your system, there's no knife in the glove box"
"Yeah I bet he also said I was speeding"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78d9xg/a_man_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They never know where home is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78d27s/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
What happens if you listen to a country song backwards?

You get your wife back, truck back, dog back.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78cvjm/what_happens_if_you_listen_to_a_country_song/
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Have you heard about the new French tank? It had fourteen motors.

13 go in reverse.
The last one goes forward, in case the enemy attacks from behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78cs8m/have_you_heard_about_the_new_french_tank_it_had/
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How do You Circumcise a Priest?

Kick the choir boy in the chin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78cqnw/how_do_you_circumcise_a_priest/
%
Three engineers are discussing God's engineering background.

The first one says, "God was clearly an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is a feat of electrical engineering genius!"
The second one says, "Absolutely not! He was a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles and bones interact are mechanically brilliant!"
The third one says, "Nope, you're both idiots.  God was a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewage line right through a playground?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78cq1v/three_engineers_are_discussing_gods_engineering/
%
Why did the Devil get arrested?

Possession.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78cp4j/why_did_the_devil_get_arrested/
%
Instead of giving the tattoo artist money, my wife flashed him as payment.

Tit for tat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78coo7/instead_of_giving_the_tattoo_artist_money_my_wife/
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Even though I'm pretty skinny, I identify as an obese person...

I'm trans fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78cnmq/even_though_im_pretty_skinny_i_identify_as_an/
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There's nothing worse than looking down after sex and seeing that limp, used condom hanging off your penis.

Especially when you weren't wearing one when you began.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78cni0/theres_nothing_worse_than_looking_down_after_sex/
%
A penis, a pickle and a cucumber.

A penis, a pickle and a cucumber are sitting at a table all of whom are distraught.
Cucumber: “Man my life sucks. Every time I get big fat and juicy, these humans slice us up, toss us in a salad and eat us”
Pickle: “Man, that’s nothing. When I’m plump and juicy they slice me up, lay me on a hot slab of beef and smother me with bread then proceed to eat me”
Penis: Laughing, “You guys have it so easy. When I’m big and plump, they stick a rubber trap over my head, throw me in a dark room and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and pass out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78cngd/a_penis_a_pickle_and_a_cucumber/
%
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah witness with an atheist?

Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78cm4x/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_jehovah_witness/
%
Black people love boom boxes.

I guess it's just their stereo type..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78cm2k/black_people_love_boom_boxes/
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked to play Mozart.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered the chance to play the role of Mozart in a new film. He read the script but was not impressed. So he told the producers 're-write it and I'll be Bach.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78cjwv/arnold_schwarzenegger_was_asked_to_play_mozart/
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What is the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend?

The knife has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78cj80/what_is_the_difference_between_arguing_with_a/
%
Saw two crows perched on a fence together

It was an attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78cd9y/saw_two_crows_perched_on_a_fence_together/
%
What is Hitler's favorite thing to cook with?

WHITE FLOUR!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ccl4/what_is_hitlers_favorite_thing_to_cook_with/
%
I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.
Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78caif/i_watched_the_video_of_my_wedding_backwards/
%
A woman got breast implants made of wood.

It would be great if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78c7nt/a_woman_got_breast_implants_made_of_wood/
%
My kid was dying to go on our trip to Disneyland

sponsored by Make-A-Wish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78c5kg/my_kid_was_dying_to_go_on_our_trip_to_disneyland/
%
Did you know that horses are monogamous?

They prefer stable relationships.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78c4qd/did_you_know_that_horses_are_monogamous/
%
Here's a picture of a dead grizzly..

Nevermind. I can't bear it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78c21b/heres_a_picture_of_a_dead_grizzly/
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A programmer's wife tells him to go to the store

She says 'buy a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, buy a dozen."
He comes home with 12 loaves of bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78c0zv/a_programmers_wife_tells_him_to_go_to_the_store/
%
Elon Musk and Bill Gates created a penis enlargement product.

They called it Elongate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78bye6/elon_musk_and_bill_gates_created_a_penis/
%
Gross!

A German farmer is standing in his field peeing. And American tourist sees him and says "gross!" And the farmer says "danke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78bx55/gross/
%
I was in germany at octoberfest and they asked me how many beers I wanted...

I said nine, but they didn't bring me any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78bqny/i_was_in_germany_at_octoberfest_and_they_asked_me/
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A man really hated his wife's cat...

A man really hated his wife's cat. One day, unbeknownst to his wife, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.
Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.
Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.
Several hours later the man's wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.
"Is the cat there?" He asked.
"Yes..." she replied.
"Well put him on the phone, I'm lost"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78blz4/a_man_really_hated_his_wifes_cat/
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[NSFW] Paedophiles are fucking immature

assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78bl00/nsfw_paedophiles_are_fucking_immature/
%
Camouflage

The General was reviewing the troops during camouflage training when suddenly a tree trunk starts jumping around.
"Soldier, what are you doing?" screamed the General.
"When the bird shit on my arm, I didn't move a muscle," said the private. "And when the dog pissed on my leg, I kept still. But when two squirrels ran up my pant leg, and the big one says to the little one 'We'll eat one now and save the other for later'. Well sir, I jumped!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78bfok/camouflage/
%
TIL the Titanic was scheduled to have an evacuation drill the same day it sank but was canceled by the captain.

Now let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78bead/til_the_titanic_was_scheduled_to_have_an/
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I just opened up a Facebook page for Chinese Nazis

It has three Reichs so far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78bdq7/i_just_opened_up_a_facebook_page_for_chinese_nazis/
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A 93 year old man is sat on the kerb crying.

A passerby stops and asks, “What’s the matter?”
The old man looks up and cries, “I’m 93, married to a gorgeous 21year old who wants fucking before breakfast, lunch and tea, and then twice again at night!”
The passerby laughs, “What’s the problem then?”
The old guy replies “I can’t fucking remember where I live!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ba53/a_93_year_old_man_is_sat_on_the_kerb_crying/
%
What do atoms and President Trump have in common?

They make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78b9tw/what_do_atoms_and_president_trump_have_in_common/
%
What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78b6ed/what_do_you_call_somebody_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
%
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.

“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five!”
“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty two.”
“How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.
St. Peter says, “We added up your time sheets.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78b41v/a_lawyer_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
A linguistics professor at Harvard was lecturing his class the other day.

He said, " in English, a double negative forms a positive. However, in some other languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative ."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78b3c4/a_linguistics_professor_at_harvard_was_lecturing/
%
My favorite pick up line

With you I feel like a stud, I was just an STD before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78b0e3/my_favorite_pick_up_line/
%
What do you call a friend who becomes wise after a couple of drinks?

Bud-wiser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78aunp/what_do_you_call_a_friend_who_becomes_wise_after/
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My daughter packed a light bulb in her lunch box this morning.

I asked her, "why did you put that in there?"
She replied, "I want a light snack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78attd/my_daughter_packed_a_light_bulb_in_her_lunch_box/
%
A girl walks into a bar.

Says to the bartender, "I'd like a double entendre, please."
So he gives it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78arf5/a_girl_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A greyhound walks into a bar...

A greyhound walks into a bar and takes a look around. There are three horses sitting at the counter chatting away, he decides to sit close enough to overhear their conversation.
The first horse says, “I have an incredible story for you guys! I was racing last Friday, two minutes in and I am lagging in last place; my rider is very disappointed. Honestly, I lost all hope. On the last lap I slowed down a bit and felt something. Something bit me right in the ass. All of a sudden I flew past my opponents and came in first. It was incredible!”
The greyhound continued to eavesdrop, incredibly interested.
The other two horses were blown away. Horse two suddenly gets excited, “That’s so weird! I was in a race last month and was lagging in last place. Something bit my ass too! I ended up speeding up and coming in first place!”
The third horse was shocked; “This happened to me too, what is going on?!”
Not able to contain himself, the greyhound exclaimed, “You guys will never guess what happened to me in my last race!”
The horses went silent and all looked at each other surprised. One of the horses breaks the silence,
“Hey look you guys, a talking dog!”
[This is one of my dad’s favourite jokes to tell; I’m sorry. He has tears of laughter before he can even get out the punchline.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ahjh/a_greyhound_walks_into_a_bar/
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I'm 60 days clean.

It's been hard showering for 60 days,  but thankfully heroin has helped me through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ahhf/im_60_days_clean/
%
What's green on the outside, red on the inside, and has watermelon seeds?

A watermelon!
Now,
What's green on the outside, red on the inside, has watermelon seeds, and isn't a watermelon?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Half a watermelon.
That's my dad's favorite joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78afn6/whats_green_on_the_outside_red_on_the_inside_and/
%
No Bedside Manner

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78acsj/no_bedside_manner/
%
Three Old Ladies Sitting on a park bench.

Three old ladies are sitting in the park. Just chatting it up on a park bench like old ladies will do.
Suddenly, a man in a trench coat walks up to them and opens his coat and flashes them with all that god had given him to offer.
Well, the first old lady immediately has a stroke.
The second old lady has a stroke soon after.
The third old lady, being more old and feeble, couldn't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78ab6g/three_old_ladies_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
What's another term for a "dead end job"?

"Income without outcome".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78aaft/whats_another_term_for_a_dead_end_job/
%
How do you make a Eskimo lose his cool?

GLOBAL WARMING.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78a9wn/how_do_you_make_a_eskimo_lose_his_cool/
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TIL it takes about 33 hours for men to digest food and 47 hours for women.

Proving once and for all that my ex-wife is full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78a3lg/til_it_takes_about_33_hours_for_men_to_digest/
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What is Rick Grimes' favorite exhibit at the aquarium?

Coraaaaaaaal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78a1b8/what_is_rick_grimes_favorite_exhibit_at_the/
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A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man.  Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"
"Not at all," the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78a10z/a_man_was_sitting_on_a_park_bench_eating_a_hot_dog/
%
A: Why are you late?

B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
B: No, I was standing on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/789rsn/a_why_are_you_late/
%
Growing up in the film industry, Harvey Weinstein was a huge influence for me.

He really touched me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/789kht/growing_up_in_the_film_industry_harvey_weinstein/
%
A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...

**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship.  I say again, divert your course.
**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.
**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*!  We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy!  Divert your course *immediately*!
**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/789ilb/a_navy_ship_hailed_a_civilian_at_sea/
%
A homeless man tries to sleep with a nun

A homeless man is sitting outside of a bus station begging for change when a nun walks by. "Hey there sexy lady! How about some love for an old homeless man?," he says. The nun says nothing but gives him a nasty look and walks away. "Hey, buddy" says a voice behind him. The homeless man turns around to see a bus driver leaning out of his bus. "What do you want?" the homeless man asks.
"You really wanna sleep with that nun?" the bus driver asks, "What you need to do is go down to the Jesus statue in the park. She goes down there to pray at midnight every night." And he throws the homeless man $20. "Go down to the costume shop and pick up an angel costume and pretend you're God." The homeless man nods and thanks the bus driver.
As it gets closer to midnight, the homeless man goes down to the Jesus statue dressed as God and hides behind it. Exactly at midnight the nun comes down to the statue and kneels in prayer. Right as she finished the homeless man walks around the statue and says, "Young woman, I am God and I have listened to your prayers. I only have one request and that is that I wish to sleep with you." The nun is hesitant at first but then agrees but only if it can be anal, as she wants to keep her virginity. The homeless man agrees and they start to fuck. Right after they finish the homeless man rips off his mask and says, "HAHA, I am not God! I am the homeless man from the bus stop!" To which the nun rips off a mask and shouts, "HAHA, I am not the nun, I am the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/789icj/a_homeless_man_tries_to_sleep_with_a_nun/
%
A Second Opinion

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.”
“Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.”
Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for $10.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/789i4j/a_second_opinion/
%
An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning.

He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch.
He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time.
The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop.
"10:27" he said.
The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before.
He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man.
Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you tell time.
The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camel's testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/789ftp/an_archaeologist_in_egypt_was_taking_a_walk_in/
%
A programmer is going to the grocery store

... and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen."
So the programmer goes, buys a gallon of milk and a dozen eggs because he is not a fucking robot.
When he gets home, his wife proceeds to nag him for not buying 12 gallons of milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/789cxt/a_programmer_is_going_to_the_grocery_store/
%
Why do you call a priest Father?

Because it'd be too obvious if you called him daddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/789cpx/why_do_you_call_a_priest_father/
%
I asked my wife if a second woman could come in bed with us

She asked who the first was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/789c3m/i_asked_my_wife_if_a_second_woman_could_come_in/
%
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink.

Suddenly, a man hollers at him, "I screwed your mom last night!"
Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, "Your mom was good in bed last night!"
Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, "Dad, go home, you're drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7899xz/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_sits_down_and_has_a_drink/
%
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!”

To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!”
He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read,
“MAIN ENTRANCE.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7897vg/a_shopkeeper_was_dismayed_when_a_store_opened/
%
Why does the Rabbi never buy beer?

Because Hebrews his own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78970l/why_does_the_rabbi_never_buy_beer/
%
Borders in the Middle-East don't matter so much...

You're just drawing lines in the sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78942q/borders_in_the_middleeast_dont_matter_so_much/
%
Where do letters go when they are sick?

The Google Doc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7890mz/where_do_letters_go_when_they_are_sick/
%
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, are sleeping in a hotel...

The hotel catches on fire, so the engineer goes to the bathroom, fills up a couple buckets of water, and puts out the fire in his room then happily go back to sleep. The physicist calculates the center of the fire, measures out a teaspoon of water, and throws it in the center, putting out the fire and then happily goes to sleep. The mathematician wakes up, defines that there is a way to put out the fire, then happily goes to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788zwd/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_a_mathematician_are/
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What’s the difference between a rapist and a Republican?

Hollywood won’t work with a Republican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788zn1/whats_the_difference_between_a_rapist_and_a/
%
Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to do stand-up

Well no ones laughing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788z1a/everyone_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_do/
%
I met a beautiful girl the other day at the park.

Amazed by such beauty, I went up to her. Sparks flew and she fell at my feet, we ended up having sex right there and then.
I fucking love my new Taser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788ypk/i_met_a_beautiful_girl_the_other_day_at_the_park/
%
I tried sharing a bag of popcorn with a homeless guy recently

He told me to screw off and buy my own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788w8i/i_tried_sharing_a_bag_of_popcorn_with_a_homeless/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

Then a stool...then a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788u6r/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What kind of bagel can fly?

A plane bagel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788tje/what_kind_of_bagel_can_fly/
%
"Pi R Squared", said my math teacher.

"Bullshit!" I exclaimed.  "Pie are round!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788shw/pi_r_squared_said_my_math_teacher/
%
A man gets a hole in one...

A man was playing a round of golf when he hits a hole in one on a par 3. A genie appears from the hole and says "I am the hole-in-one genie, you have one wish, what would you like?" The man thinks for a little bit and responds "I would like a big dick." "Granted" responds the genie. The man continues his round of golf and his dick is all the way down to his knees. "Fuck" he thinks, "I need to fix this." He then takes 1000 balls down to the hole where he got the hole-in-one and starts to hit. Eventually he gets a hole-in-one an the genie appears. "I am the hole-in-one genie, you have one wish, what would you like?" "Longer legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788shu/a_man_gets_a_hole_in_one/
%
I've been doing yoga for 5 years.

It's been a long stretch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788s0u/ive_been_doing_yoga_for_5_years/
%
Sex frog

[Long]
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788qvj/sex_frog/
%
Alcohol is a perfect solvent

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788pjx/alcohol_is_a_perfect_solvent/
%
My wife was cleaning the closet last week

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing, I think I should donate them
Me: Just throw them in trash, that's much easier
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes
Me: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
BANG@#$%^&*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788l2k/my_wife_was_cleaning_the_closet_last_week/
%
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings."
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!"
With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788k9h/three_men_a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an/
%
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788fyq/a_wife_was_making_a_breakfast_of_fried_eggs_for/
%
What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?

“You're fine, how am I?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788b12/what_do_psychologists_say_to_each_other_when_they/
%
White House painting tender.

Donald trump wants to paint the white house. He calls for tenders from China, Europe and India.
Chinese guy quoted 3 million U$
European guy quoted 7 million U$
Indian guy quoted 10 million U$
Trump asked chinese guy, how did you  quote 3 million..?"
Chinese guy replied "1 million for paint 1 million for labour 1 million profit."
Trump asked european guy, He replied-" 3 million for paint 2 million for labour 2 million profit"
Trump asked Indian guy.. He replied."
4 million for you, 3 million for me and we will give 3 million to the chinese guy and ask him to paint..!!
Indian got the contract !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7889hc/white_house_painting_tender/
%
I found a way to drastically lose weight while sleeping!

and the money from selling my organs isn't bad either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7888kr/i_found_a_way_to_drastically_lose_weight_while/
%
What do you call a boy tree that wants to be a girl tree?

A Trans Plant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7888kj/what_do_you_call_a_boy_tree_that_wants_to_be_a/
%
How can you identify a good farmer?

He's out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7887he/how_can_you_identify_a_good_farmer/
%
I visited a coffee shop where the password was "wedonthavewifi".

It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7883vv/i_visited_a_coffee_shop_where_the_password_was/
%
I've always been suspicious about X-Rays.

Why is it only ever skeletons that go to get them done?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78809g/ive_always_been_suspicious_about_xrays/
%
How many???

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/788020/how_many/
%
Two friends are talking in a bar...

Their names are Fred and Michael. They've known each other for a while, 15 years roughly. So they feel pretty comfortable with each other talking about more...sensitive topics. On this occasion, Fred decided to ask Michael about his son as it was something that had been nagging him for a while but he didn't want to pressure Michael into talking about him and his ex if it was too soon. But keeping the question 'bottled up' for so long had proven too great. It was something he needed to know.
Fred: "Michael, I'm sorry if this is a touchy area, but I've always wondered: how come your kid ended up living with your ex after the divorce?"
Michael paused, his smile fading slightly as he lowered his glass of beer and turned to Fred.
Michael: "*sigh* Well, to put it bluntly, the court ruled that I was 'violent' and 'unstable', an unfit father."
Fred was obviously shocked by this revelation, exclaiming, "What?! You, violent or unstable? I've never heard such nonsense. I don't think I've ever ever met anyone as kind and even-tempered as you."
Michael continued, saying, "Well, Mary told this story to the court about how I came home late one night. I was tired and annoyed by my long day at work. I sensed a sneering, a mocking in Mary's tone. I don't know, I must have flipped. I grabbed the first thing at hand and since we were standing in the kitchen and I was in front of the fridge, I...I emptied a bowl of trifle over her."
"...Ah. So she got custardy."
For those wondering, I didn't really come up with this, not entirely at least. This is a modified version of a sketch on the British comedy show, A Bit Of Fry And Laurie. I've seen this particular joke and this sketch so many times, I decided to make my own version and post it here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/787xg3/two_friends_are_talking_in_a_bar/
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A threesome involves three people. A twosome involves two.

I guess that's why everybody keeps calling me handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/787uzq/a_threesome_involves_three_people_a_twosome/
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed..ha..ha.ha

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him...
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... Why are you down here at this time of night!?
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, I would have gotten out today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/787que/a_woman_awakes_during_the_night_to_find_that_her/
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Polish to the left of me, arabs to the right,

Here I am, stuck in an immigrant queue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/787o4r/polish_to_the_left_of_me_arabs_to_the_right/
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If your boat turns upside down you can wear it on your head

It's capsized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/787lyh/if_your_boat_turns_upside_down_you_can_wear_it_on/
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A monkey in a tree

A man notices a monkey has climbed up his backyard tree. He goes online and finds a man who specializes in monkey trapping and removal.
When the trapper arrives at the house he shows up with a stick, a set of handcuffs, a Chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use this stick to hit the monkey until it falls out of the tree. When it lands, the trained Chihuahua will viciously lunge for the monkey's genitals and when it attempts to protect himself I will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little confused, says "That's crazy enough it just might work, but what’s the shotgun for?"
“In case I fall out of the tree first.... you must then shoot the Chihuahua.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/787h66/a_monkey_in_a_tree/
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Some old college friends asked if I still binge drink

I said I couldn't even remember the last time I blacked out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/787gy5/some_old_college_friends_asked_if_i_still_binge/
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A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/787e2c/a_programmer_went_to_a_store_to_pick_up_some/
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My wife asked me what I would do if she left me

Apparently "your sister" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/787cil/my_wife_asked_me_what_i_would_do_if_she_left_me/
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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work

One day while in bed with her boyfriend, she hears her husband’s car pull into the driveway. She yells at the boyfriend, “Quick! Grab your clothes and jump out of the window. My husband has arrived home early!”
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, “It’s raining like hell out there!” She said, “If my husband finds you here, he’ll kill us both!” So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out of the window naked.
A group of marathon runners were just passing, so he decides to run along with them, carrying his clothes on his arm. Curious, one of the runners asked him, “Do you always run with no clothes on?” Gasping for air, he answered, “Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin.” Another runner then asked the nude man, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?” Now breathlessly, the nude man replied, “Oh yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!” The runner then asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?” The nude man replied, “Only when it’s raining!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/787ci2/a_woman_was_having_an_affair_while_her_husband/
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I'm a gossip.

So I've heard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/787ch9/im_a_gossip/
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Kid says to his mom: "I wish I was never born, my life is a joke!"

She replies: "And the delivery was awful!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7877by/kid_says_to_his_mom_i_wish_i_was_never_born_my/
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What is Russia's best selling condom?

Put in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78724g/what_is_russias_best_selling_condom/
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Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786z4n/remember_back_in_the_day_when_your_tv_wouldnt/
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I couldn't afford to take the kids to SeaWorld...

So I took them to the fish market and said "Shhh, they're sleeping".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786z43/i_couldnt_afford_to_take_the_kids_to_seaworld/
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When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It’s a good thing my brother told me about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786wfl/when_i_was_a_boy_i_had_a_disease_that_required_me/
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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “$750?
Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786v2d/a_woman_is_having_an_affair_during_the_day_while/
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I've been trying to find out what "flabby" means.

But I couldn't see any definition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786tjp/ive_been_trying_to_find_out_what_flabby_means/
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What's the funniest place in the world?

The Bahahahamas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786t6e/whats_the_funniest_place_in_the_world/
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Sex is what turns a boy into a man

My uncle told me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786svi/sex_is_what_turns_a_boy_into_a_man/
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Why would I not be good at testing microphones?

Because I don't 1, 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786qkw/why_would_i_not_be_good_at_testing_microphones/
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I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me,

"Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."
The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786q9k/i_was_sitting_in_the_waiting_room_of_the_hospital/
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A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...

"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."
The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again?"
The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.
The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?! I will be OK, won't I!?"
The surgeon smiles and replies, "Yes, yes you'll be fine, it's just that no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsils out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786n5x/a_surgeon_goes_to_check_on_his_patient_after/
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Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786mql/jerry_was_in_the_hospital_recovering_from_surgery/
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A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.

They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen.
There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.
Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day.
“Are you hurt?” she asks.
She replies, “Of course I’m hurt! He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786koj/a_woman_and_her_friend_are_visiting_the_zoo/
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A man who just turned 45 years old had the best job, a big mansion, a hot wife and everything.

But there came a day when he lost his job, his wife left him, the mansion he had he was forced to leave. He suddenly had nothing of his life left. On a Sunday morning he went down to the town over the bridge he saw a Santa coming towards him.
The Santa:
Why are you so sad?
man:
"I've lost everything I had, my job, my mansion and the wife.
The Santa:
- Okay, I will give you 3 wishes of what you want, you will get everything on Monday morning if you just give me a wish back in return.
man:
- Hmm, okay, deal.
The Santa:
- What is your first wish?
man:
- I want to get my job back.
The Santa:
- Hohoho, said the Santa, on Monday you can go to work. Nobody will even remember you being fired.
The Santa:
- What's your second wish?
man:
- I want my mansion back.
The Santa:
- Hohoho, on Monday you get the keys in your hand.
The Santa:
- What's your third wish?
man:
- I want a million dollars on my bank account.
The Santa:
- Hohoho, on Monday you have a million dollars on your account.
The man was on his way away from there, but the Santa stopped him.
The Santa:
- You have to do something for me before your wishes come true.
The man thought carefully.
"Go on," said the man.
The Santa:
- Take off your pants.
man:
- Sure, but we're in the middle of a bridge ...
The Santa:
- Take them of, otherwise your wishes will not be met.
man:
- I’ll do it then.
He took them off.
The Santa:
- How old are you?
man:
- 45 years old.
The Santa:
- And you still believe in the Santa !? Hohoho!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786jmd/a_man_who_just_turned_45_years_old_had_the_best/
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Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..."

Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."
Next day Peter called Tony from hospital & shouted: "You bastard!"
You didn't tell me that the "HOLE" between Maria's legs is a pencil sharpener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786hox/peter_your_secretary_is_very_sexy/
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How was the guy in the underground water reservoir doing?

Well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786gci/how_was_the_guy_in_the_underground_water/
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Gordon Ramsay's father-in-law jailed for six months for hacking chef's computer ...

Apparently, Gordon suspected the hacking when his computer was completely FUCKING FROZEN !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786evu/gordon_ramsays_fatherinlaw_jailed_for_six_months/
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I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid

He says he can stop any time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786dct/i_know_a_guy_whos_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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A man travelling on a highway....

....when he nocticee the sign "Speedlimit: 50km". He was kind of surprised but still lowered his speed well below 50km/h. Half an hour later he spotted another sign "Speedlimit: 25km". Frustrated but didn't want any fine, he slowed down to 25km/h. After a while he saw yet another sign "Speedlimit: 3km". Having no other choice he got off the car and push it, cursing Donald Trump while at it for allowing such stupid rules. 2 hours passed, and another sign appeared:
- "Welcome to Speedlimit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786bzk/a_man_travelling_on_a_highway/
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In my credit card statement there was an extra 666$ charge written in tiny fonts ...

As usual, the devil is in the details ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786ati/in_my_credit_card_statement_there_was_an_extra/
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I fart in my wallet

So I have enough gas money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7869fm/i_fart_in_my_wallet/
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If wine is the Blood of Christ,

is Beer the Piss of Christ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/786700/if_wine_is_the_blood_of_christ/
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A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, "We've blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I've never gotten to see the world.
I wish we could travel all over the world."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF!
He had the tickets in his hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy's turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I'd like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF!
He was 90.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78656s/a_gay_couple_had_been_partnered_for_25_years_and/
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What's the police's favourite gaming console?

WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78630d/whats_the_polices_favourite_gaming_console/
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Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

When an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/785yyj/three_mischievous_old_grannies_were_sitting_on_a/
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Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/785yth/funny_that_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_tons_of_girls/
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I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people.

But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/785u1v/ive_always_thought_my_neighbors_were_quite_nice/
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What was the buffalos last word to his kid?

Bi-son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/785s9p/what_was_the_buffalos_last_word_to_his_kid/
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Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night.

The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."
The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."
The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife."
The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/785roj/three_guys_compare_their_levels_of_intoxication/
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you'd think a discussion about water would be boring

but it's never a dry subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/785oxj/youd_think_a_discussion_about_water_would_be/
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Jim is a man with no ears and he starts his own business

First thing he needs to do is hire an assistant.
As a kid with no ears, Jim was bullied mercilessly and is extremely sensitive about it.
The first interview goes pretty well and Jim asks at the end "do you notice anything different about me"?
The person blurts out "yeah, you don't have any ears"!
Furious, Jim throws him out.
Second interview also goes well and Jim ends with the same question and gets the same response.
Finally, the third interview comes and is amazing. Jim asks the same question and to his great surprise the response is "yes, you're wearing contact lenses".
Jim is blown away. "That's so perceptive of you. How did you know"?
"You can't be wearing glasses, you don't have any fucking ears"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/785mgf/jim_is_a_man_with_no_ears_and_he_starts_his_own/
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A black 3rd grader realizes he has the biggest dick in his class...

He asks his mom "Is it because I'm black?" "No, son. It's because you're 19"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/785jsl/a_black_3rd_grader_realizes_he_has_the_biggest/
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What do you call a Japanese deep fried mattress?

a Tempura-Pedic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/785c3h/what_do_you_call_a_japanese_deep_fried_mattress/
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I once knew a man who was so stupid...

He tried to pay a prostitute with sexual favors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/785786/i_once_knew_a_man_who_was_so_stupid/
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Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Fucking EVERYWHERE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/784yp3/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_when_they_die/
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What kind of women are attracted to firefighters?

Hose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/784x23/what_kind_of_women_are_attracted_to_firefighters/
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Beth, why are all of our broken condoms on the couch?

HONEY! How many times do I have to tell you not to call out kids like that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/784tiq/beth_why_are_all_of_our_broken_condoms_on_the/
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What's the difference between a hen and a rooster?

Hens lay eggs. Roosters lay hens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/784rbx/whats_the_difference_between_a_hen_and_a_rooster/
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So I added Paul Walker on Xbox

And for some reason he seems to spend all his time on the dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/784r7t/so_i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox/
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Little Johnny's Frog

This is probably my favorite joke of all time. Heard it first 25 years ago from my dad when I was 13, and though I don't regularly Reddit, I've never seen it here. Here goes.
Little Johnny goes up to his parents bedroom and takes a  $100 bill from his Dad's secret stash in his sock drawer. Shoving it down deep in his pocket, he heads out the door. As he crosses the threshold, he bends down and picks up a string. The string has a dead frog tied to the end of it. Little Johnny slings the dead frog over his shoulder and he starts walking in the direction of his school. Also in this direction is the house that everyone in town knows is a well-used bordello.
Without missing a beat as he approaches the whorehouse, he turns and walks up the front door and right inside.
Immediately inside the door is a large desk, and right behind the desk is an older lady, the Madame of the house.
No hesitation. Little Johnny walks up to the desk, looking the Madame in the eye, and slaps down the $100 bill and says "I need a hooker with crabs".
The Madame slides the money back toward Johnny and says "We don't service anyone under 18 here, take your money and get out".
Little Johnny slides it back to her and replies "No, but you do have lots of politicians come in here, and I'm sure they don't want anyone to know. Now... I want a hooker with crabs, and I want one NOW."
The Madame thinks about it for a second. She avoids scandal and makes money from a girl she normally wouldn't?  The Madame says to Little Johnny, "Okay, you little shit. You have yourself a deal. $100 and you get a hooker with  crabs.... IF you tell me two things... Why a hooker with crabs?.... And what the hell is up with that dead frog on that string?"
Little Johnny answers her. "Look. I go upstairs. I have sex with that hooker, and she gives me crabs. I go to school. I come home from school and my babysitter is there. I have sex with her, too, and give her crabs. My dad comes home, and gives the babysitter a ride home. On the way, they'll have sex and she'll give crabs to my dad. Later, my mom will come home and my dad will have sex with her, giving her crabs. Finally, the next day, the mailman will come by with a 'special delivery' and my mom will have sex with him, giving him crabs. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT RAN OVER MY FROG!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/784r4c/little_johnnys_frog/
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A pair of twins in a nursery home are both turning 100

One twin has bad hearing and the other can hear fine. A news reporter comes to take a picture of them for the newspaper. The reporter says
"I need you guys to sit on the sofa"
"What'd he say?" Said the woman with bad hearing
"He said to sit on the sofa" said the twin with good hearing. They both went over and sat on the sofa.
"Scoot closer together" said the reporter
"What'd he say?"
"He said to scoot closer together" said the twin with good hearing.
"Sit tight while I focus" said the reporter
"What'd he say?"
"He said he's going to focus" said the twin with good hearing.
"Oh! Both of us at the same time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/784ooc/a_pair_of_twins_in_a_nursery_home_are_both/
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What do you call a sith lord that doesn't pay his taxes?

Darth Evader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/784o23/what_do_you_call_a_sith_lord_that_doesnt_pay_his/
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Life is like a dick

Women make it harder for no reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/784jdg/life_is_like_a_dick/
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Two muffins are in an oven together....

One turns to the other and says, “ Man, it’s hot in here”. The other muffin turns any yells, “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”
Yes, I’m a dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/784j0u/two_muffins_are_in_an_oven_together/
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Cats don’t cause mental illness, new study finds

They’re just a symptom of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/784dn4/cats_dont_cause_mental_illness_new_study_finds/
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What's the difference between tinder and amusement parks?

Amusement parks have realistic height requirements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/784dbs/whats_the_difference_between_tinder_and_amusement/
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“Dad! Dad! Fire! The house is burning!!”

“Let’s get out of here son! Quietly, you’re gonna wake up your mom!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7843b9/dad_dad_fire_the_house_is_burning/
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How do we know that Jesus was a Jew?

He totally believes that he is the Son of God, and that his mother is a virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7842aa/how_do_we_know_that_jesus_was_a_jew/
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I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/783zt4/i_met_a_guy_whos_a_carpenter_he_told_me_he_makes/
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Police Officer: Sir it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck

Man: Yeah but she has a great personality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/783zl6/police_officer_sir_it_looks_like_your_girlfriend/
%
Why is programming in Django hard?

You can only use two fingers on your left hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/783w0n/why_is_programming_in_django_hard/
%
Nothing beats a beautiful woman that can also sing

Well, except Chris Brown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/783vgk/nothing_beats_a_beautiful_woman_that_can_also_sing/
%
What is the favourite gun caliber of a german?

Nein millimeter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/783mm7/what_is_the_favourite_gun_caliber_of_a_german/
%
There once was a farmer with three daughters.

They were all going on their first date at the same time. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, grabbed a shotgun and stood by the door. The first guy came to the door and said
"Hi, my names Joe, I'm here for Flo, we are going to the show, is she ready too go?"
The farmer thought he was ok, so they went out.
The next boy came and said
"Hi, my names Kenny, I'm here ffor Penny, we are going to Denny's, is she ready?
The farmer thought he was ok too, so they went off. The last boy came and said
"Hi, my names Chuck-"
The farmer shot him in the chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/783l6j/there_once_was_a_farmer_with_three_daughters/
%
Why is holy water different to regular water?

It's been altared

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/783gby/why_is_holy_water_different_to_regular_water/
%
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed...

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/783ez4/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
%
Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Jewish women won’t touch anything that’s not 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/783cob/why_do_jewish_men_get_circumcised/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

The food is amazing but there’s no atmosphere and the prices are out of this world!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/783afd/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
What is a common cause of vertigo?

Verticome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7839an/what_is_a_common_cause_of_vertigo/
%
If your fat uncle named jack falls over your dad.

"Will you help your uncle jack off your dad ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/783804/if_your_fat_uncle_named_jack_falls_over_your_dad/
%
I’m dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.

I won’t be leaving the house.
(Heard this on the podcast “Fake the Nation” and thought you all would like it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7835wh/im_dressing_as_the_republican_healthcare_bill_for/
%
Why shouldn’t you fart in an apple store?

It doesn’t have windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7830t5/why_shouldnt_you_fart_in_an_apple_store/
%
I used to think I was indecisive

but now I'm not too sure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/782xab/i_used_to_think_i_was_indecisive/
%
As a single guy living alone, I get invited to dinners with family friends or my parents or friends parents places. When use the bathroom I notice that every one seems they have these toilet paper holders, like little stacks of 2 to 4 brand new toilet paper rolls in some form of stacking device.....

I think back to my place & financial situation making one Toilet roll last as long as possible, to ensure that I keep to my tight budget of living alone with a dead end job.
To me it’s like these toilet roll stacks in the bathroom feel almost like a ostentatious display of the people’s lives. Like little shrines to show of ones status in life.
I think to myself: “Boy, these people really got their Shit Together!”
(Hopefully this an original post. I’ve never written any jokes before.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/782vfw/as_a_single_guy_living_alone_i_get_invited_to/
%
A priests asks a convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/782p51/a_priests_asks_a_convicted_murderer_at_the/
%
I wish my GPA was more like me

because I'm a solid 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/782owd/i_wish_my_gpa_was_more_like_me/
%
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.

As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/782n8n/a_funeral_service_is_held_for_a_woman_who_just/
%
As the crowded elevator descended,

Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said,
"That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/782mip/as_the_crowded_elevator_descended/
%
What happened to the guy who didn’t pay his exorcist?

He got repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/782kw8/what_happened_to_the_guy_who_didnt_pay_his/
%
A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.  The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/782jjn/a_woman_was_telling_her_friend_it_was_i_who_made/
%
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall.

After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them
"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!
Eat up!
Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/782i3f/one_of_my_husbands_duties_as_a_novice_drill/
%
Nude beach

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, 'Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!'
The mother cleverly replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber they are!'
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, 'Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!'
'The bigger they are, the dumber they are!' she replies.
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, 'Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78272h/nude_beach/
%
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7822xe/at_st_peters_catholic_church_in_toronto_they_have/
%
A Buddhist monk walks into a cafeteria

"Good morning Sir what would you like in your sandwich?"
"Make me one with everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78214s/a_buddhist_monk_walks_into_a_cafeteria/
%
No kidding

After graduating from the Naval Academy, my first ship I was assigned to was a battleship. The captain briefed us on our duties and then we disembarked. It was a very uneventful mission. We went. We did what we needed to do. We came back. When we got back, the captain had all of the newbies tie down the ship while he sat on the deck, drinking a beer. After a few minutes, a particularly spunky recruit walked over to him and asked him, "Why do we have to tie down the whole ship, while you're sitting here doing Jack shit?!" The captain slowly stood up, towering over the seaman. "Because that's my job." Defiantly, the sailor responded, "Oh yeah?" The captain replied, "Yeah. I shit, you knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/781yq9/no_kidding/
%
Ambitious kid

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and tells him: "I want to be POTUS one day."
Trump says: "Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Are you out of your mind? Are you retarded?"
The kid replies: "You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/781y8d/ambitious_kid/
%
I'm not very good at geography

But i know the name of one city in France, which is Nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/781vll/im_not_very_good_at_geography/
%
A man walks into a bar... (kinda long)

A man walks into a bar and orders his first drink, about 5 minutes later he calls the bartender down.
He tells the bartender "I bet you $200 I can bite my eyeball." The bartender quickly agrees as he sees this as easy money. The man then pops out his glass eye and bites it.
"Damn it that's not fair!" the bartender exclaims.
"Ok" says the man, "I'll give you a chance to make your money back. I'll bet you another 200 I can bite my ear." The bartender carefully looks at both of his ears, and they are both very real. He agrees to the bet but is dismayed when the man takes out his dentures and bites his own ear.
"You've got to be kidding me! Give me one more chance to make my money back!"
"Alright" says the man, "but give me a couple minutes and I'll be back with your chance."
The man looks around and then walks over and starts talking to a guy in a suit. They have a few laughs and then shake hands, and the man walks back down to the bartender.
"Ok, I'll bet you 400 dollars that I can pee into a pint glass 8 feet away on the bar and not spill a drop."
The bartender takes a moment to think about it, making sure there's no way to cheat into winning the bet, and finally he agrees. The man hops up on the bar, the bartender sets up the glass 8 feet away and quickly steps back. The man starts pissing everywhere, not even coming close to the pint glass. The bartender cracks a smile, happy he no longer owes the man any money. He looks over at the guy in the suit, who is furious and is covering his face with his hands.
"Why is he so mad?" Asked the bartender.
Smiling, the man says "I just bet him $3000 I could piss all over the bar and you would just stand there and smile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/781ue5/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_kinda_long/
%
Hey girl, i can be your stud.

I have the std, i just need u.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/781s4o/hey_girl_i_can_be_your_stud/
%
A redditor walks into r/jokes...

The redditor notices the subs new avatar and immediately leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/781ol9/a_redditor_walks_into_rjokes/
%
[NSFW] What do you call a French suicide bomber?

Napoleon Blown-Apart
Posting from mobile and don't know how to tag nsfw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/781m4n/nsfw_what_do_you_call_a_french_suicide_bomber/
%
TIL That ‘App’ is short for ‘Apple’ because they were invented for the iphone

I also learned I make shit up for no reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/781kgz/til_that_app_is_short_for_apple_because_they_were/
%
How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/781js9/how_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
%
I was thinking the other day ...

So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/781ho9/i_was_thinking_the_other_day/
%
A termite walks into a bar..

And asks "where is the bar tender?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7819g2/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because you can’t get under their skin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/781098/why_are_skeletons_so_calm/
%
A naked man is walking down the street with a woman on his back...

A guy on the other side of the street yells at him "Hey - what are you doing?"
The naked man replies, "Don't get all upset. I'm headed to a costume party!"
"As what?" asks the guy.
"As a tortoise! Can't you tell?"
"Well, what's the woman doing on your back?"
"Oh that's just Michelle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780ye1/a_naked_man_is_walking_down_the_street_with_a/
%
I gave all my dead batteries away.

They were free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780xk1/i_gave_all_my_dead_batteries_away/
%
This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,

a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780vzr/this_older_jewish_man_was_on_the_operating_table/
%
Call me a hairdresser

Because i wanna fucking dye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780uv6/call_me_a_hairdresser/
%
A kid asks his Granddad for relationship advice...

"Grandpa, Jenny broke up with me today. I feel so bad, I don't know what I'm gonna do"
"Listen kid, you're gonna be alright. You're young and got plenty of time. Let me tell you about what qualities to look for in a woman to have a lasting relationship:
1) Find a woman who makes you laugh
2) Find a woman who has a job and loves housework
3) Find a woman who is honest
4) Find a woman who will wait on you hand and foot
5) Find a woman who is awesome in the bedroom
6) Most of all, it is **Very Important** that these five women **Never** meet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780s4s/a_kid_asks_his_granddad_for_relationship_advice/
%
Say what you will about people who fuck horses,

but at least they're in a stable relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780re3/say_what_you_will_about_people_who_fuck_horses/
%
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780pqv/so_little_johnnys_teacher_is_warned_at_the/
%
A dyslexic goes to a fish restaurant.

"You guys are out of order," he complains. "I can't believe you serve shit to your customers!"
"You mean the carp, sir?" asks the waiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780niz/a_dyslexic_goes_to_a_fish_restaurant/
%
Magic carpet

A blonde , a brunette and a red head walk into a carpet store and spot a talking magic carpet.
It spoke, "if you step on me and lie, you will disappear with a POOF!"
The brunette steps on first and says, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in town."
She vanished with a POOF!
The red head steps on the carpet and says, "I think I'm the smartest girl in town."
She vanished with a POOF!
The blonde steps on the carpet and says, "I think-"
She vanished with a POOF!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780ld2/magic_carpet/
%
Police Officer: How high are you?

Me: No officer, it's "Hi, how are you..?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780iuy/police_officer_how_high_are_you/
%
Two men are sitting in a bar...

...one of them is drinking quite heavily.
The other asks, “What’s the problem friend?”
The drunk replies, “I just found out my mother is a prostitute.”
The other stands up, retorting, “What?!  I need to find that woman and talk to her!”
The drunk responds, “Sit down, it’s not worth it.  She doesn’t even offer a ‘family and friends’ discount.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780gr9/two_men_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
A blonde and brunette walk into a bar...

You think one of them would have seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780gea/a_blonde_and_brunette_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How do people live with Mesothelioma?

Asbestos they can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780g3m/how_do_people_live_with_mesothelioma/
%
When our grandad was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday.

Now he’s 70, but we have no idea where he is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780fdj/when_our_grandad_was_65_we_told_him_to_run_a_mile/
%
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780f2e/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
%
Doctor: it looks like you are pregnant madame.

Lady: Wow, I'm pregnant?
Doctor: No, but you look like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780evb/doctor_it_looks_like_you_are_pregnant_madame/
%
I'd really like to start a career in mirror washing

It's something I could really see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780en3/id_really_like_to_start_a_career_in_mirror_washing/
%
On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke.
If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780eav/on_day_a_redhead_a_brunette_and_a_blonde_were_on/
%
A secret service agent, nervous on his first day, sees Donald, Melania, and Barron Trump walking through the Whitehouse.

The new agent asks his supervisor, "Wow, is that really the First family?"
The supervisor, unfazed, replies, “No, I think this is at least the third for Mr. Trump."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780dbi/a_secret_service_agent_nervous_on_his_first_day/
%
I just saved a ton on car insurance....

By fleeing the scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780d04/i_just_saved_a_ton_on_car_insurance/
%
The President of Brazil, France and United States share a flight around the world

The United state president puts his hands out of the windows and says:
"We are in the US! I just touched the Statue of Liberty"
Some time passes, the French president puts his hands out and says out loud:
"Now we are in France. I just touched the Eiffel tower".
After a while the Brazilian president also puts his hands out of the Airplane and says:
"Yes, we finally are in Brazil. I just had my watch stolen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780c8n/the_president_of_brazil_france_and_united_states/
%
What type of dog is best at magic?

A labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/780669/what_type_of_dog_is_best_at_magic/
%
It's christmas morning and a kid is riding on his shiny new bike.

A cop on a horse stops the kid and says to him
"Did you get that bike for Christmas?"
The kid said
"Yeah"
Then the cop said
"Well next year tell santa to put a taillight on that bike."
He then hands the kid a $40 ticket.
Then the kid says
"Did santa give you that horse for christmas?"
Amused, the cop says
"Yeah, he did."
Then the kid says
"Well next year tell santa to put the dick below the horse and not on top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7803j3/its_christmas_morning_and_a_kid_is_riding_on_his/
%
What’s is a Pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?

Some believe it’s R but his true love is the C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/78017i/whats_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter_of_the_alphabet/
%
Can anyone tell me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7800k8/can_anyone_tell_me_who_played_forrest_gump/
%
What do you do if there are too many bright lights at your Chinese restaurant?

Dim some

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77zz0g/what_do_you_do_if_there_are_too_many_bright/
%
I was sleeping with two twins for while in my 20s....

My friends all asked, "how can you tell them apart?" I replied, "well...Sharon has long blonde hair, and Derek has a beard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77zyic/i_was_sleeping_with_two_twins_for_while_in_my_20s/
%
Why didn't the elephant make a fat joke about the hippopotamus

Because it would be hippo-critical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77zwfv/why_didnt_the_elephant_make_a_fat_joke_about_the/
%
I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS...

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77zw7p/i_write_all_my_jokes_in_capitals/
%
I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you."

So I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77zt5c/i_walked_past_a_homeless_guy_with_a_sign_that/
%
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first.  He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring,
"A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution."
The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring,
"This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares,
"I define myself to be on the outside!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77zo3h/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_a_mathematician_are/
%
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77zmyf/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_owned_by_eminem/
%
As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit.  The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir.  You see there was a squirrel in the tree.  He ran down the tree across the road then straight up me pants leg." "I see George" replied the sergeant.  "Is that why you flinched?" George replied "No sir.  There was another squirrel.  He, too, came down the tree across the road and up me leg. So I had two squirrels resting in me crotch." The sergeant thought for a
moment then said "And that's what made you flinch?" "No sir" said George. "It was when I heard one say, 'Let's have one now and save the other for winter.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77zmrp/as_you_probably_know_the_guards_at_buckingham/
%
After last night my neighbour finally told me...

... that he can totally hear me and my wife whenever we have sex.
I hope I can find a solution before my birthday comes again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77zkzr/after_last_night_my_neighbour_finally_told_me/
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3 balloons: Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon

Daddy balloon says to baby balloon:
"Look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in your own bed."
Baby balloon protests: "I like sleeping with you and mommy."
"No, you are not sleeping with us and that is final!" says daddy balloon.
"OK" says baby balloon sadly.
At 2 in the morning, baby ballon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with mommy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dad's knot and lets out some helium, then ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mommies knot, also lets some helium out and ties her up again. He still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some helium, and ties himself up again. He finally has room, and snuggles down with mommy and daddy, falling fast asleep.
The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He says:
Son, I am really disappointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. You've let me down, mummy down, and yourself down too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77zjmx/3_balloons_daddy_balloon_mummy_balloon_and_baby/
%
A married couple goes to the doctor

After the husband waits for several hours in the waiting room while the doctors examine his wife, now wondering whats taking so long, the doctor finally comes out to explain his findings to the husband. "I'm not sure whats wrong with your wife." says the doctor, to the husbands disbelief "But I have narrowed it down to TWO possibilities." he continues, "Its either AIDS, or Alzheimer's. Now, we're waiting on the blood test results, but this could take days to confirm, and I have an alternate test that is much faster."
"What is it?" The husband asks wholeheartedly.
"During your drive home tonight, drop off your wife a few miles away from home." "And what then?" requests the husband, to which the doctor replies " Well, if she shows up at home, don't fuck her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77zhnf/a_married_couple_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
If I had a dollar for every racist joke I've ever told...

Some black guy would probably rob me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77zc1s/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_racist_joke_ive_ever/
%
Why do you never see Thor with his brother at parties?

Cuz that guy is pretty Low-key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77z611/why_do_you_never_see_thor_with_his_brother_at/
%
Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Because they're dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77z48x/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap_their_hands/
%
Apparently "Fancy a shag?" ...

Is not the best way to welcome customers to CarpetRight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77z44a/apparently_fancy_a_shag/
%
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77yytc/a_male_patient_is_lying_in_bed_in_the_hospital/
%
Do you know how I escaped Iraq?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ywup/do_you_know_how_i_escaped_iraq/
%
My uncle once told me to go to the basement and get Naked,

I asked him whether he wanted Mighty Mango or Berry Blast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77yura/my_uncle_once_told_me_to_go_to_the_basement_and/
%
My wife yelled at me today, saying, "You were not even listening now, were you!?"

What a weird way of starting a conversation!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ysi5/my_wife_yelled_at_me_today_saying_you_were_not/
%
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ylwv/what_kind_of_shoes_do_ninjas_wear/
%
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from my local zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77yjrv/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
Why didn't Jake Paul dress up for Halloween?

He didn't need a costume to go as a failure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77yjgw/why_didnt_jake_paul_dress_up_for_halloween/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One of them is really heavy and the other one is just a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77yifh/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
I told my boyfriend that people with lower IQs are more likely to believe in conspiracy theories...

He said “Thats what they want you to think!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77yh8v/i_told_my_boyfriend_that_people_with_lower_iqs/
%
Husband: "Right now, for this Women's Day, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!"

Wife: "Oh dear, I will miss you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77yh4r/husband_right_now_for_this_womens_day_i_am_going/
%
I was able to sell a lot of vegetables yesterday!

Still don't know what to do with the wheelchairs though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77yfhy/i_was_able_to_sell_a_lot_of_vegetables_yesterday/
%
A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one."
"Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ydzs/a_paralegal_an_associate_and_a_partner_of_a/
%
What happened when the dog swallowed a clock?

It got ticks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ydog/what_happened_when_the_dog_swallowed_a_clock/
%
A girl had the choice of going out with either a fencer or a boxer.

The fencer was really kind and gentle, while the boxer seemed rowdy. In the end, she chose to go out with the boxer.
I asked her, "Why did you choose the boxer? The fencer seemed really nice."
She responded, " I don't know, the fencer just seemed rapier."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ydf4/a_girl_had_the_choice_of_going_out_with_either_a/
%
You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77yb8o/you_know_why_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_up_in/
%
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77y78r/abe_and_esther_are_flying_to_australia_for_a_two/
%
The inventor of the anagram has died...

May he "erect a penis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77y5eu/the_inventor_of_the_anagram_has_died/
%
I put my root beer into a square cup

Now it's just beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77y56k/i_put_my_root_beer_into_a_square_cup/
%
Did you hear? A psychopathic scientist cloned a guy, killed the clone, and made the original eat the clone?

He really was full of himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77y3ni/did_you_hear_a_psychopathic_scientist_cloned_a/
%
My wife rushed into the supermarket to grab a few items

She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77y33g/my_wife_rushed_into_the_supermarket_to_grab_a_few/
%
What’s at the top of the Reddit food chain?

Predditors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77y0nx/whats_at_the_top_of_the_reddit_food_chain/
%
Want to hear a joke about paper?

Never mind... it’s tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xxmw/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_paper/
%
There's a special place in hell for false advertisers.

I heard women's pants are half-off at the clothes store. But when I got there, all the women were fully clothed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xv1c/theres_a_special_place_in_hell_for_false/
%
A news reporter and a surgeon walk into a bar..

The news reporter asks, “So you’re a surgeon, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do?”
The surgeon replies, “Well one time I had to pull a load of shit out of a constipated patient’s ass.”
The news reporter says, “Ahaha that’s nothing, I do that every day.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xuqj/a_news_reporter_and_a_surgeon_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why does it take longer to get from 2nd base to 3rd base than it does to get from 3rd base to home?

Because there is a short-stop between...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xtpj/why_does_it_take_longer_to_get_from_2nd_base_to/
%
No one laughed at my pre-workout routine joke

To be fair, it was a bit of a stretch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xs2o/no_one_laughed_at_my_preworkout_routine_joke/
%
For a state that catches fire a lot...

...California sure has a lot of snowflakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xrap/for_a_state_that_catches_fire_a_lot/
%
Three friends were driving down an old country road, when all of a sudden their car broke down.

They got out of the car, looked around and spotted a farm 500 meters down the road.
When they arrived, they knocked on the door and an old greyed hair farmer opened the door and stared blank.
All three friends frantically explained their predicament.
‘You’s can stay for the night as long as you don’t touch me daughter, I’ll see what I can do about yer car in the morning’ said the farmer.
All three friends looked at each other, shrugged and agreed to not touch his daughter.
That night, the three friends sat down at dinner awaiting for the arrival of the farmers daughter. Sure enough, when she finally arrived, she was the most gorgeous women they had all ever laid eyes on.
And of course, sure enough, all three friends got invited to have sex by the farmers daughter. Breaking the only rule the farmer had set.
The next morning, the farmer burst into the room the three friends had been sharing.
‘Get down dem stairs boys! You’ve got farm work to do because you gone and disgraced my daughter!’ Screamed the farmer.
The three friends ran downstairs and lined up outside the porch, nervously fidgeting.
‘I want you’s each to go out in dem fields and pick 100 of your favourite fruit or vegetable and return to me when you’re done’ ordered the farmer.
So.. off the friends went into the fields.
The first friend returned with a basket full to the brim with grapes. He looked up at the farmer with an enquiring look.
‘Drop your pants.. take all 100 and... shove em up your arse’ he said smiling menacingly.
So the friend did just that.
As the other friend approached, after just seeing what happened, the farmer noticed he had a smug grin on his face.
‘And what did you pick boy?’ said the farmer slightly frustrated at the friends lack of concern.
‘Oh I picked strawberries’ said the friend
The farmer raised an eye brow. ‘And why do you find this so funny?’
The friends stupid grin reached its peak grin.
‘Oh because my friend is out there picking cucumbers and grapefruits cause he can’t decide which he likes more’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xnvo/three_friends_were_driving_down_an_old_country/
%
How do you know when a prostate exam's gone horribly wrong?

When you feel both of the doctor's hands on your shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xnkp/how_do_you_know_when_a_prostate_exams_gone/
%
A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions for a while

A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions while he is out. The first person to arrive it's a gorgeous woman, who says:
-Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I had anal sex with some random guy in a bar.
The nun, shocked doesn't know what Penance to give to the Lady, but an altar boy was passing by so she asks him:
-What does the Priest give to people for anal sex?
-Usually a hamburger and a coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xmuv/a_priest_needs_to_go_to_the_bathroom_and_asks_for/
%
What do you call a vegetable that's sorta cool?

Stephen Hawking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xmgo/what_do_you_call_a_vegetable_thats_sorta_cool/
%
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn’t see himself doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xm8o/why_did_the_invisible_man_turn_down_the_job_offer/
%
What happens if you fart in Church?

You sit in your own pew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xm5s/what_happens_if_you_fart_in_church/
%
If you came across 10 kilos of cocaine in the back of a rental car, what would you do?

Cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xkbq/if_you_came_across_10_kilos_of_cocaine_in_the/
%
I invite a bunch of people to a rap battle. Only Harvey Weinstein shows up.

Fucking spell check.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xjkf/i_invite_a_bunch_of_people_to_a_rap_battle_only/
%
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xiyy/doctor_im_sorry_but_you_suffer_from_a_terminal/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender says, “hey, you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants.”
“Ayy, matey. And it’s drivin’ me nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xiyp/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
%
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

It has fantastic food but no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xi9v/have_you_heard_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

100.
1 to change it, and 99 others to argue how much better the last light bulb was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xi02/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"
"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."
I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xh68/i_walked_into_the_living_room_to_find_my_wife/
%
My wife told me she needs more space

I said no problem and locked her out of the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xgm9/my_wife_told_me_she_needs_more_space/
%
What did the Ghost say to the Bees

Boobies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xffp/what_did_the_ghost_say_to_the_bees/
%
My girlfriend and I laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xem2/my_girlfriend_and_i_laugh_about_how_competitive/
%
The Welsh were the first people to use a sheep's intestine as a condom.

The English improved the design by removing the rest of the sheep prior to use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xdji/the_welsh_were_the_first_people_to_use_a_sheeps/
%
I challenged an origami expert to a game of poker.

He folded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77xdbw/i_challenged_an_origami_expert_to_a_game_of_poker/
%
What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A sandy eggo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77x8vo/what_do_you_call_a_waffle_on_a_california_beach/
%
Why don't witches ever wear underwear?

Gives 'em a better grip on their brooms...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77x2jo/why_dont_witches_ever_wear_underwear/
%
Today I donated a watch, a phone and my wallet to a poor guy...

You can't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77x1bz/today_i_donated_a_watch_a_phone_and_my_wallet_to/
%
What's a gay crocodile's worst nightmare?

Gatoraids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77wt6l/whats_a_gay_crocodiles_worst_nightmare/
%
A woman gets called to court for shoplifting...

The judge asks, "So, you stole something from the grocery store?"
"Yes," the woman says.
"And what did you steal?"
"A can of peaches, Your Honor," the woman replies.
"And how many peaches were in the can?" the judge asks.
"Six," the woman replies.
"Alright. Then I think it is just your sentence be six days in jail," the judge declares.
"...Uh, Your Honor?" the woman's husband says.
"Yes?"
"I think she stole a can of peas as well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ws6q/a_woman_gets_called_to_court_for_shoplifting/
%
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77wqxw/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
For sale: One parachute.

Unopened condition.  Small stain.  As is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77wp06/for_sale_one_parachute/
%
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77wn4v/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Is it one, or two?
One... or two?
One... or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77wmyr/how_many_opticians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I wrote a song about a tortilla

Well it's more of a wrap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77wm7h/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
%
What do you call a smart blonde?

A Golden Retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77wl52/what_do_you_call_a_smart_blonde/
%
What do you call a group of transgender women?

Ex-Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77wipo/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_transgender_women/
%
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77wi8f/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
%
Jesus is wandering through the desert

, desperately seeking his father. It has been 40 days and 40 nights since he last rested or had a meal and he is exhausted.
Just as he thinks he can't take it any more, he sees a figure on the distant horizon. He manages to summon up the energy to stumble closer and gradually gets nearer to what he realises is an old man. What's more, this old man has long white hair, a white beard, and is dressed in flowing robes.
Finally Jesus gets within speaking distance and shouts out excitedly: "Father, father, finally I have found you!"
The old man turns to look at Jesus and says: "Well, this is strange. It's true that I seem to have lost my son and I am in fact out here in the desert looking for him, but to be honest young man, he looks nothing like you."
Jesus is dumbfounded. But then he thinks this is yet another test and so he says: "Come on father, don't you think this is too much of a coincidence? What are the odds of us both being in this huge desert, at the same time, me looking for my father and you looking for your son? 40 days and 40 nights have I been searching and never have I felt surer, you truly are my father and I truly am your son."
The old man says: "You're right, that is a bit odd. But the thing is, my son was very distinctive looking".
"What do you mean" says Jesus.
"Well" says the old man, "for one thing he had holes in both his hands".
Jesus slowly raises his hands: "Father, see the wounds in my hands where I was crucified?"
"Hmm" says the old man, "he also had holes in both his feet".
Jesus sorrowfully raises first one foot, then the other: "Father, they also nailed my feet to the cross. See my wounds have still not healed."
The old man stands in silence, but Jesus can see that this has shaken him to the core. Finally, Jesus can't take it any longer. Weeping, he rushes over to the old man and throws his arms around him with the last of his strength. The old man embraces Jesus and he too is sobbing uncontrollably.
"At last we are reunited father" says Jesus, "I cannot believe it took this long, but we are together again and no-one can part us now."
"You are right" says the old man through his tears. "I'm so glad you're back Pinnochio".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77wfuz/jesus_is_wandering_through_the_desert/
%
3 men make it to heaven.

man 1, man 2, and man3.
An angel tells them: "The vehicle that you get to travel with in heaven will depend on the number of times you cheated on your partner"
So the angel asks the man 1, and man 1 says that he cheated on his wife 5 times. The angel checks to see if he is lying, and it turns out that man 1 has cheated 25 times, so the angel gives him a toyota.
Man 2 said he cheated 50 times. Again, the angel checks to see if he is lying, and it turns out that he has cheated 250 times. So the angel gives man 2 a bicycle.
The man 3 said he has never cheated on his wife. The angel doesn't believe him, but when he checks, surely enough the man has never cheated on his wife. The angel gives him a Lamborghini, an enormous mansion, and promised to grant any of his wishes.
A few days later, man 1 and man 2 see man 3 driving in his Lamborghini, looking depressed. Man 1 asks him:
"Why are you so sad? You own a Lamborghini and live in a mansion!"
"I saw my wife today."
"and...?"
"She was wearing rollerblades."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77w6mo/3_men_make_it_to_heaven/
%
Son : Why's my sister called Teresa?

Dad : Cause your mom and I love Easter,  it's an anagram
Son : Oh wow that's pretty cool
Dad : I know Alan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77w331/son_whys_my_sister_called_teresa/
%
A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77w27k/a_doctor_hands_a_man_his_newborn_baby_and_says_im/
%
I still miss my ex-wife...

But my aim is getting better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77vxs0/i_still_miss_my_exwife/
%
A Slovak oligarch, Japanese nationalist, communist and a pirate meet in a parliament...

This isn't a joke. It's Czech Republic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77vu89/a_slovak_oligarch_japanese_nationalist_communist/
%
I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself

That's the last thing I need

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77vntu/i_saw_an_ad_for_burial_plots_and_thought_to_myself/
%
I'm a virgin by choice.

Not my choice, but everyone else's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77vnmh/im_a_virgin_by_choice/
%
They say everyone has to push the envelope sometime...

But I don't see why. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77vl5e/they_say_everyone_has_to_push_the_envelope/
%
My next door neighbour banged on my door at 3am last night

Not sure how he got out of my basement but I'm glad the front door was locked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77vj3w/my_next_door_neighbour_banged_on_my_door_at_3am/
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What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They're both meat substitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77vj3m/what_do_tofu_and_dildos_have_in_common/
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Chemistry Lesson

Me: "Hey girl, if you were a compound, you'd be copper telluride.  You know why?"
Girl: "Because I'm cute?"
Me: "Nah, you're just really dense."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77vid0/chemistry_lesson/
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What do you call two Mexicans having gay sex?

Juan on Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77vhzv/what_do_you_call_two_mexicans_having_gay_sex/
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One day, during a lesson on proper grammar,

the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77vgoa/one_day_during_a_lesson_on_proper_grammar/
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Why did the golfer buy two pairs of socks?

He was afraid he'd get a hole in one
^^^^I'll ^^^^see ^^^^myself ^^^^out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77vfh4/why_did_the_golfer_buy_two_pairs_of_socks/
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What’s worse then finding a worm in your apple

The holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77vejo/whats_worse_then_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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Proctology

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
would be with him in just a few minutes.  Well, when the man sat down
in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a
stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove,
and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my
first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove
is for... but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticably outraged and
stormed over to the door.  The Doc flung the door open and yelled to
his nurse, "Dammit all!!!  I said `a BUTT LIGHT'!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77vdgb/proctology/
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On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him.

As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.
In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me."
Peter happily agreed
They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...
We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?"
Peter replied "I suppose not.
What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok."
He nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And Peter just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77vbfw/on_his_birthday_a_man_named_peter_was_really/
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Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."
The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."
The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77v7ly/three_highly_decorated_police_officers_die_in_a/
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We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married.

My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea! My girlfriend?
She is a dream!
But there is something that bothers me!
This something is her little sister… This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses.
Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear.
She never did that in front of someone else!
One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations.
When I arrived she was alone.
She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them.
She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister.
I was shocked and could not say a word…
She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.
I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.
Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me.
I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door.
I opened it and I walked to the car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"
Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77v5am/we_are_already_2_years_together_with_my/
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The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...
On each floor the signs on the doors read:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,261,496,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
THE WIFE STORE
Floor 1 - has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 - has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77v48k/the_husband_store/
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If two white supremacist get divorced...

...are they still cousins?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77v1li/if_two_white_supremacist_get_divorced/
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My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone…

…So I tasered her.
I'll ask her again when she wakes up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77uwbf/my_wife_said_to_me_that_the_spark_between_us_had/
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I still remember my dad's last words...

"Stop shaking the ladder you fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77uucs/i_still_remember_my_dads_last_words/
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What is Gordon Ramsays favorite subreddit?

IT'S FUCKING R/AWW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77utha/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
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If you meet a girl that likes the Chinese national banner,

that’s a big red flag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ut2e/if_you_meet_a_girl_that_likes_the_chinese/
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The Cowboy and the Genie

One day, a cowboy was riding along on his animal when suddenly a genie appeared.
The genie said, “I will grant you any three wishes you’d like”
The cowboy can’t believe what he’s hearing but he doesn’t want to risk passing up such an amazing opportunity.
So the cowboy says, “Well then, first, I want to be the richest man alive.”
“Done!” The genie replies
“Second, I want my wife to the most gorgeous woman on the world.”
“Done!” Respondes the genie
“And lastly, I want to the have the same sexual organ that this here animal I’m riding has.”
“Your wish is my command” replies the genie as he fades away.
The cowboy can’t believe what he just went through. So he rushes home and as soon as he gets their he sees gold all over the house. Money bills Stacked as far as he can see.
In disbelief, he calls out to his wife when a gorgeous model appears in the doorway.
“Hey honey!” Replies his wife, a newly transformed model.
As he’s their staring at his wife he remembers his last wish.
He looks at his wife seductively and says
“Honey I’m gonna make sweet sweet love to you!”
As he pulls his pants down he realizes his mistake and says
“SHIT I GOT ON THE MARE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77urdj/the_cowboy_and_the_genie/
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Who can beat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ur5a/who_can_beat_captain_america/
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An official guide on how to walk up stairs:

Step 1)
Step 2)
Step 3)
Step 4)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ur0u/an_official_guide_on_how_to_walk_up_stairs/
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Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?

Never mind, it’s tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77umty/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_a_piece_of_paper/
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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77uj7e/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
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How do ISIS members practice safe sex?

they mark the camels that kick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77udwi/how_do_isis_members_practice_safe_sex/
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3 young boys are eating lunch on a bridge

The first one, who is French, says "If I find another baloney sandwich in my lunch tomorrow, I'm jumping off of this bridge!"
The second one, who is Irish, says "If I find another turkey sandwich in my lunch tomorrow, I'm jumping off of this bridge!"
The third one, who is Scottish, says "If I find another tuna sandwich in my lunch tomorrow, I'm jumping off of this bridge!"
The next day, the three boys are found dead in the river below the bridge, and suicide notes are found on the bridge to explain why the boys jumped.
When the French boy's mother reads the suicide note, she begins to cry helplessly, as a caring mother would.
When the Irish boy's mother reads the suicide note, she gets angry and yells "The rat never told me he wanted anything different! This is his fault!"
When the Scottish boy's mother reads the suicide note, she releases a guttural laugh, and exclaims "The bastard packs his own lunch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77uboz/3_young_boys_are_eating_lunch_on_a_bridge/
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You can't run through a campground.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77u8dh/you_cant_run_through_a_campground/
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Mermaids

Son : Dad, are mermaids fish or women?
Dad : It depends whether you're hungry or horny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77u4vh/mermaids/
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Me at my second rodeo:

This ain’t my first rodeo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77u3qa/me_at_my_second_rodeo/
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There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join

But enough about the church...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77u2iq/theres_a_gang_in_my_area_who_recruit_new_members/
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Sean Connery only asked his wife to sit on his face once.

** comedy silence **

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77u0lz/sean_connery_only_asked_his_wife_to_sit_on_his/
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”Did you see that?”

said the blind man to the deaf man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77txmb/did_you_see_that/
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In world cup Final!

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77tugb/in_world_cup_final/
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Cuss Words

One day two brothers were raking in the front yard. The older brother, who is 6, says, "Hey, at breakfast tomorrow, me and you should say a cuss word!" The younger brother, who is 4, nods with excitement. So, the next day, the their mother says, "What do you want for breakfast?" to the older brother. He replies, "All hell! I'll have some Cherrios!" The mother grabs him by the ear and spanks him all the way up the stairs into his room. "Now, what do you want for breakfast?" The mother says to the younger brother. "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it ain't going to be Cherrios!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ttqe/cuss_words/
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If at first you don't succeed

Then skidiving isn't for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77tspc/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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Old but still good

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately the baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the new parents invited Little Johnny's family over to see the new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbors home Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much Little Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands, and perfect little feet. Why just look at his pretty little eyes...Did the doctor say he can see good?" The mother said a bit bewildered, "Why yes...the doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?" Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, 'cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77tozt/old_but_still_good/
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They always asked me if I play basketball because I was tall.

They stopped asking me that when I asked them if they play mini golf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77tm3v/they_always_asked_me_if_i_play_basketball_because/
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"I see", said the blind carpenter

As he tripped over his hammer and saw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77tjvk/i_see_said_the_blind_carpenter/
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A thief entered a theatre...

He stole the spotlight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77tib9/a_thief_entered_a_theatre/
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My wife “There’s only one person I know more manly than you.”

Me: “Who?”
My Wife: “Your mom.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77thc4/my_wife_theres_only_one_person_i_know_more_manly/
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She's a bitch but she makes up for it by being an animal in bed

God I love my dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77tgbj/shes_a_bitch_but_she_makes_up_for_it_by_being_an/
%
Kale.

I prefer mine with a silent "K"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77td3a/kale/
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How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77td0b/how_come_nobody_at_the_kings_table_laughed_when/
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If you had to choose one superpower to have forever

please legalize weed if it's Russia. Thanks in advance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77t6cq/if_you_had_to_choose_one_superpower_to_have/
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Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night.  When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77t1gw/britains_oldest_woman_turned_114_today/
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I finally found the courage to tell my little sister that I'm into incest

She took it pretty hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77t0dj/i_finally_found_the_courage_to_tell_my_little/
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My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I told her not to get her hopes up.
"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77t0a2/my_girlfriend_is_turning_32_soon/
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If I got 50 cents every time I failed a maths exam...

I’d have about $6.30 by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77sybn/if_i_got_50_cents_every_time_i_failed_a_maths_exam/
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I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77sv8g/im_seriously_thinking_about_remarrying_my_exwife/
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How many legs does a horse have?

Two on the front, two on the back, two on the left, two on the right and one on each corner!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77suvp/how_many_legs_does_a_horse_have/
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I just smoked a ligament..

I’m not that big of a fan of joints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77spob/i_just_smoked_a_ligament/
%
My wife and I went out for a leisurely drive to see the autumn leaves, when we noticed that one of the tires seemed to be getting low…

She was a bit taken aback when I asked her for some change and asked, "Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!"
I looked at her and winked, "Inflation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77sn2j/my_wife_and_i_went_out_for_a_leisurely_drive_to/
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Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.
“It’s a unique species of oak tree, with only a few still alive in the world today.” He told me. Apparently you have to keep them indoors because in the 1800s some botanist called Edward Nooj discovered that their inability to cope with harsh weather conditions could lead to their extinction. My friend kept his in an enclosed chamber with special UV lamps and imported soil.
“Surely they must have be able to grow out in the weather if they lived for hundreds of years before this Nooj guy came along” I said to him, to which he replied, “Well yes I’m sure that back then they flourished, but these days there’s certainly no Nooj Oaks under the sun.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77shjk/last_summer_i_met_with_a_botanist_friend_of_mine/
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My wife recently got a seashell tattooed on her thigh.

When you put your ear close to it, you can really smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77sgo7/my_wife_recently_got_a_seashell_tattooed_on_her/
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A father named his sons Rose and Fridge

One day Rose asked his dad:- why did you call me like that? Her father answered that when she was born a rose petal fell on her forehead. Then fridge came and asked his father: BLUAEHHUEHUEHAWHAW?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77sg3k/a_father_named_his_sons_rose_and_fridge/
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What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Philippe Philop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77senw/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_in_sandals/
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Jokes are like puppies.

If you have to pull them apart to see how they work, they’re not as fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77sd27/jokes_are_like_puppies/
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Filthy Parrot of antique shop

There was this antique shop whose owner had a filthy mouthed pet talking parrot who guarded the shop.
A woman walks in and the parrot shouts out to his owner :
“Whore coming through. Make way. Make way.”
Woman is pissed off and complains to the owner.
Owner decided to teach the parrot a lesson and drowns him into ice cold water until he agrees to be nice to the lady.
He takes the parrot back to the woman.
She asks the parrot: “If I come home at night with a man what would you say.”
Parrot: “I would say that my lady has a handsome husband”
Woman: “If I come home with two men what would you say?”
Parrot: “I would welcome my lady and her cousins.”
Woman: “If I would come home with four men what would you say”
Parrot shouts out to the owner: “Bring out the water. I told you she’s a whore.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77sbeq/filthy_parrot_of_antique_shop/
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What do you call an Egyptian god who sucks at CS:GO?

A-noob-is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77s925/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_god_who_sucks_at_csgo/
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“My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

Not as in, with a stick – he just died first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77s8dl/my_granny_was_recently_beaten_to_death_by_my/
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Why did the redditor mix a bottle of laxatives with nitrous oxide?

The same reason he did everything else: for shits and giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77s87k/why_did_the_redditor_mix_a_bottle_of_laxatives/
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Nothing unleashes your potential like ...

Jumping off a high building... m.g.h to be exact ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77s57t/nothing_unleashes_your_potential_like/
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Whats red and sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?

A baby playing with a cheese grater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77s0a2/whats_red_and_sits_in_the_corner_getting_smaller/
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Feet are amazing...

...you might call them legends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77rza6/feet_are_amazing/
%
Which side of a leopard has more spots?

The outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ryxg/which_side_of_a_leopard_has_more_spots/
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Two condoms

walk by a gay bar. One looks to the other and asks, “Want to go get shit faced?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77rx6a/two_condoms/
%
Trumpcare

A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."
The German surgeon replies; “In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."
The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77rvdp/trumpcare/
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What did the Cult of the Train summon?

Choochoolu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77rto7/what_did_the_cult_of_the_train_summon/
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A song about London apartments

Written in A flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77rmfs/a_song_about_london_apartments/
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What did the cannibal couple take with them to the park?

A picnic casket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77rlsf/what_did_the_cannibal_couple_take_with_them_to/
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A doctor slept with one of his patients

and was fired for it.
It's a shame really, he was an exceptionally good vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77rk23/a_doctor_slept_with_one_of_his_patients/
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I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am

I'm not really a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77rim1/i_hate_how_funerals_are_always_at_9_or_10am/
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In the US, what state are the most people in?

Depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77r9om/in_the_us_what_state_are_the_most_people_in/
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Never assume that your boss knows what he is doing.

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, ”This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper and pushed the start button.
“Excellent,excellent!” said the CEO as the paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy; can you do that for me?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77r74k/never_assume_that_your_boss_knows_what_he_is_doing/
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My friend keeps trying to cheer me up

He keeps saying "Cheer up, man! It could be worse! You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77r73t/my_friend_keeps_trying_to_cheer_me_up/
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I don’t always roll joints. But when I do...

It’s my ankle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77r68w/i_dont_always_roll_joints_but_when_i_do/
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I had two kidneys growing up..

Now I've got two adult knees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77r4ak/i_had_two_kidneys_growing_up/
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What’s the difference between a Middle Eastern preschool and an ISIS training camp?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77r03b/whats_the_difference_between_a_middle_eastern/
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Why are women so good at being Archaeologists?

Because women love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77qt7v/why_are_women_so_good_at_being_archaeologists/
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An Irish man walks into a bar.

The end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77qsfl/an_irish_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A woman, pregnant with triplets, is walking down the street...

...in a very bad part of town. Out of the blue, a car rolls by and opens gunfire on the house behind her. Despite her best efforts, the woman took three bullets to her stomach and was rushed to the hospital.
The doctors did everything they could to save the woman and her three unborn children. Through the miracle of modern medicine, the procedures were successful, and the mother and her children survived. However, due to the locations of the bullets in the womb, the doctors determined the best course of action was to leave the bullets in place.
The woman delivered all three healthy babies, two beautiful girls and one handsome boy. She went home and proceeded to raise her children happily and uneventfully.
Fourteen years later, the mother is sitting on the couch when one of her daughters runs up to her crying.
"Darling, what happened?! Why are you crying?"
"Mommy, I was peeing in the bathroom, and felt a weird pain, when all of a sudden a bullet popped out!"
The mother calmed her daughter, and told her the story of shooting. The daughter left her mother comforted to know that it wouldn't happen again.
A week later, the mother is outside, when her other daughter comes up yelling and crying.
"Darling, what happened?! Why are you crying?"
"Oh Mommy, I was in the bathroom peeing, felt a sharp pain, and a bullet popped out! I don't know what to do!"
The mother, surprised it happened again, explained to the story of the shooting to this daughter as well. The daughter relaxed and went on her way.
Two days later, the mother is laying in bed, when her son runs into her room crying and looking scared. Before the son said anything, the mother quickly said, "Let me guess, you were peeing, felt a sharp pain, and a bullet came out!"
The son, confused, yelled,"No! I was wanking in my bedroom, and shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77qr23/a_woman_pregnant_with_triplets_is_walking_down/
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Did you hear about the explosion at the French cheese factory?

Da brie was everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77qqi7/did_you_hear_about_the_explosion_at_the_french/
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In Soviet Russia, they don’t play The Floor is Lava...

They play The Floor is Democracy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77qpn8/in_soviet_russia_they_dont_play_the_floor_is_lava/
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How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink?

On a case-by-case basis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77qm4p/how_does_an_alcoholic_decide_how_much_beer_to/
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My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.

Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77qgbm/my_next_door_neighbor_banged_on_my_door_at_300_am/
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I over boiled some venison broth earlier...

It was deerly mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77qfl4/i_over_boiled_some_venison_broth_earlier/
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A man is fired from his job at the pickle factory.

He returns home to his wife and tells her the bad news. "What did you do?" She asks. The man sighs and says, "I put my dick in the pickle slicer". Horrified, the woman pulls down his pants to see he penis intact. "What on earth happened to the pickle slicer?" She yells. The man sighs again and says, "I think she got fired to".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77qf8r/a_man_is_fired_from_his_job_at_the_pickle_factory/
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What do racist cannibals like to add to their soup?

A handful of crackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77qf4x/what_do_racist_cannibals_like_to_add_to_their_soup/
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I've gotten really good at counting cards

There's usually 52.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77qeya/ive_gotten_really_good_at_counting_cards/
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A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa

They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist says, "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"
The statistician explains, "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra."
The mathematician corrects him: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side."
The computer scientist exclaims "Oh, no! A special case!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77qdg0/a_biologist_a_statistician_a_mathematician_and_a/
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Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, “HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!”
I replied “Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!”
“Yes, but not from the high dive!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77q9if/swimming_pool/
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Two priests are in a bathroom using the urinals.NSFW

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He laughs and says,'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.' The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77q951/two_priests_are_in_a_bathroom_using_the/
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Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the hell out of their dogs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77q80n/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
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While married to Rose, we acquired house, cars, jewelry, retirement accounts. And with the divorce,

everything is coming up *ROSE's*!!
I have no idea how my first submission of this came to be flaired "Religion"... so I deleted it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77q7dc/while_married_to_rose_we_acquired_house_cars/
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What’s a ghost’s favourite way to finish sex?

A screampie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77q73s/whats_a_ghosts_favourite_way_to_finish_sex/
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A man is being examined by a proctologist...

The doctor asks the nurse for a light.
She hands him a beer:
"No, nurse. I wanted a butt light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77q59g/a_man_is_being_examined_by_a_proctologist/
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Honey I'm not allowed back at work anymore...

Wife: why?
Man: I got fired for sleeping with the boss' wife.
Wife: Are you joking? His wife has been dead for 17 years.
Man: I'm also not allowed back at the cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77q59c/honey_im_not_allowed_back_at_work_anymore/
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What do guns and priests have in common?

They should never be left alone with children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77q4pk/what_do_guns_and_priests_have_in_common/
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What’s Kim Jong Un’s favourite sport team?

Houston Rockets ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77q4p6/whats_kim_jong_uns_favourite_sport_team/
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What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in your pool?

Throw in your laundry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77q24r/what_do_you_do_if_an_epileptic_has_a_seizure_in/
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A man is on his death bed. He asks his wife...

"Will you re-marry after I die?"
"Oh, I don't know..." she says. "Maybe."
"Will you let another man move into our house with you?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."
"Will you let another man drive my car?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."
"Well, will you have sex with another man at some point?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."
"Will you let another man use my golf clubs!?"
"Nah. He's left-handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77q0sv/a_man_is_on_his_death_bed_he_asks_his_wife/
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So a guy walks into a whore house

He goes up to the manager and asks for the strangest women they've got as he wants to experiment. The manager goes to the back and brings out a woman named Jenny. Jenny is quite attractive so he goes to a room with her. When they get into the room, Jenny pops out her glass eye and says, "If we do it, we do it up here" while pointing to her empty eye socket. The man is a little weirded out but decides to go along with it. So they have sex and afterwards they're lying next to each other in bed. Jenny asks "So did you enjoy it?". The man replies "Yeah, it was a little different but I liked it". Jenny responds, "Are you going to come back then". The man replies "Yeah, probably". So Jenny says, "Well that's great! I'll make sure to keep an eye out for you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77q08i/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_whore_house/
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A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed.  He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.  While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.  They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"  She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves.  When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!" she asks.  "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ph4k/a_mans_wife_asks_him_to_go_to_the_store_to_buy/
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I got kicked out of Microsoft store ...

I was merely scratching the Surface ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77pg96/i_got_kicked_out_of_microsoft_store/
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Nicola and Mario

Three women are talking, the first lady says: when i want a long night of sex I wait my husband come out from shower, I take he's balls and I say "Wow, Nicola! Your balls are so hot!", result: we make 10 time sex!
The day after the second lady says I try it! It work! I wait my husband when he come out from shower, I takes the balls in my hand and say "Mario! Your balls are so hot!", we make 9 time sex!
The day after the third woman come to the friend and she was all bruised.
The other two ladies ask what happen, and the lady says: well, yesterday I wait my husband that come out from the shower, I takes he's balls in my hand and I say "Hey, your balls are cold, why they are not hot likes the one of Nicola and Mario?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77pdi8/nicola_and_mario/
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I'm addicted to brake fluid

but I can stop whenever I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77pdh7/im_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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What do you call a cold apprentice?

A Wintern

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77pc9a/what_do_you_call_a_cold_apprentice/
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A woman asks her husband...

A woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?" The husband replies, "I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77p7m0/a_woman_asks_her_husband/
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Criss Angel arrested for murder...

His lawyer asks "When and where did the murder take place?"
Detective "Around midnight at the MGM."
Lawyer "Well my client is definitely innocent then."
Detective "How's that?"
Lawyer "He was at The Bellagio then, he would have to be some kind of magician to be in two places at once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77p77l/criss_angel_arrested_for_murder/
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One Happy Chief

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.
The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.
A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77p75o/one_happy_chief/
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Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures

Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch slap that Motherfucker upside the head!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77p5lw/too_often_we_lose_sight_of_lifes_simple_pleasures/
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"Why the fuck are you shaking? She's gonna eat me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77p14o/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
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Slacker

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO, walks up the guy and asks "How much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $ 200.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Anyone know what that slacker did here?" With an uncontrollable grin, one of the other workers mutters "Pizza delivery guy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77p12o/slacker/
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My son youngest grade son recently learned "Dick" is a nickname for someone named Richard...

... and was super excited about while telling the family at dinner.
Our teenage daughter casually implores, *"How do you get Dick from Richard?"*
Suffice it say, my wife wasn't too impressed when I responded, *"You ask him nicely."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77oouk/my_son_youngest_grade_son_recently_learned_dick/
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I've just written a song about tortillas

Actually, it's more of a rap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77oobi/ive_just_written_a_song_about_tortillas/
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

For drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77onrc/why_does_snoop_dogg_carry_an_umbrella/
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Son asking his mother

"Mom why my cousins name is Diamond?"
"because her mother likes diamond. "
"Ok, then what about my name? "
Mother angrily replied, "Dick, you are asking too much questions!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77onej/son_asking_his_mother/
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Why is it so easy to break into God’s house?

When God closes a door he opens a window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77on7y/why_is_it_so_easy_to_break_into_gods_house/
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what do you call a semi cool vegetable

rad-ish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77oemd/what_do_you_call_a_semi_cool_vegetable/
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Due to the negative connotation of the phrase "colored people" the NAACP is thinking about changing their name to reflect more modern terms like "African Americans"

But then they said NAAAA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ocmd/due_to_the_negative_connotation_of_the_phrase/
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What do you call a case of premature burial?

A grave mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77oc22/what_do_you_call_a_case_of_premature_burial/
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A man was murdered with a cinder block.

The evidence was concrete.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ob7h/a_man_was_murdered_with_a_cinder_block/
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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ob6o/what_goes_up_and_down_but_never_moves/
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Why was the farmer angry?

Because his cows put him in a bad moooo’d.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77o6r2/why_was_the_farmer_angry/
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Why did the anglerfish go to the doctor?

He was feeling lightheaded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77o4a8/why_did_the_anglerfish_go_to_the_doctor/
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Did you hear Earth is seeking psychiatric help?

It's bipolar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77o2ig/did_you_hear_earth_is_seeking_psychiatric_help/
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What do politicians and porn stars have most in common?

They’re experts at switching positions in front of camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77nxo9/what_do_politicians_and_porn_stars_have_most_in/
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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden butt naked. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77nxjs/a_beautiful_woman_loved_growing_tomatoes_but/
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My dad is the world's greatest magician..

He told me to close my eyes and he dissapeared without a trace for over 23 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77nsj5/my_dad_is_the_worlds_greatest_magician/
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Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he went through his tables.
"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ns0l/aunt_bessie_loved_to_visit_her_nieces_and_nephews/
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Adults used to tell me that if I went into the inner city, I could get robbed by a drug dealer...

I finally understand now, $5 for a cup of coffee is ridiculous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ndma/adults_used_to_tell_me_that_if_i_went_into_the/
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An atheist, vegan, and crossfitter walk into a bar

I don't know what happened because I left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77n11t/an_atheist_vegan_and_crossfitter_walk_into_a_bar/
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[NSFW] The Husband’s Gift

A guy is going off to fight in the war and he sends a gift to his wife back home. It’s a dildo with a note that says “This will keep you from being lonely while I am away. This is a magic dildo. All you have to do is say ‘magic dildo my ______’ and the dildo will pleasure that body part.”
She is skeptical at first, but quietly mutters “magic dildo my pussy”. Sure enough, the device immediately springs into action, flies over to her, and gives her a good fucking. In fact, it’s so good, she loses control and has 10 orgasms.
The next day, she’s in the car on her way to the grocery store and remembers that the gift is still in her purse. “I shouldn’t do it while I’m driving,” she thinks, but the thought of it’s pleasant powers overcomes her and she shouts “magic dildo my pussy!” The dildo flies up into her vagina and works it’s magic. Overcome by pleasure, she swerves and crashes into a light pole.
A cop stops by the scene and walks up to her window. “What happened?” He asked. “You have to understand,” she responds. “I have a magic dildo and it was fucking me so hard I couldn’t drive.”
“Magic dildo?” He says. “My ass!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77mz6h/nsfw_the_husbands_gift/
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Teacher: "If I gave you 2 jokes and another 2 jokes, and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Twelve."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two jokes, and another two jokes and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Twelve."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two jokes, and another two jokes and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Twelve!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get twelve from?!"
Johnny: "Because I would repost them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77my1s/teacher_if_i_gave_you_2_jokes_and_another_2_jokes/
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How does a Frenchman masturbate?

He Jacques off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77msjn/how_does_a_frenchman_masturbate/
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A doctor, a lawyer, a college student, and a priest sign up for a skydiving trip...

...and find themselves in the air at 12,000 feet. Three minutes before crossing the LZ, both engines come to a complete stop.
The silence is deafening, until the pilot who is also the instructor, pops out of the cockpit with a panicked look on his face and says 'Folks, I'm sorry-we're out of gas, and we're too far from the runway to make a safe landing". With that, he walks by the four shocked passengers, grabs a chute, and leaps out of the open door.
With a shaking voice, the student looks at the other three passengers and says "There are only three chutes left!".
The doctor stands up and slips on a pack. "I'm an oncologist. I've saved over 800 patients in the last year alone. I'm developing new gene therapies for cancer. I'm sorry, but I can't die like this!" He leaps out of the door.
The attorney- who is sporting a brand new jumpsuit-  stands up, looks at the other two, sales tags flapping in the wind, and says "I'm the top torts attorney in the midwest. I've got an 80 foot yacht and 10,000 square foot house. I drive a Ferrari. If you think you fuckers are getting a chute before I am you've got another think coming!" With that he grabs a pack, and leaps out of the door.
Only the student and priest are left.
The priest, who was already wearing a chute, crosses himself, reaches over and pats the student's hand, and slips out of the chute.  "Son", he says, "I've lived a rich, full life and look forward to joining the kingdom of heaven. Whatever happens, I know that God will find me. You take this chute".
The student stands up and says "It's okay Father! You take that one. The lawyer took my backpack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77mkn4/a_doctor_a_lawyer_a_college_student_and_a_priest/
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So a penguin is driving down the road when his car starts making a weird noise.

The penguin sees a mechanic shop up the road and decides that he’ll stop there. He says to the mechanic, “Listen my car is making this weird noise, could ya take a look at it?” The mechanic says, “Sure! Doesn’t look too bad. Should only take 20 minutes.”
Feeling relieved, the penguin walks outside and sees an ice cream shop across the street. Penguins absolutely love ice cream. So he waddles across the road and gets himself a vanilla soft serve cone. While he’s eating it, he drops a little bit of it on his lapel. The penguin just ignores it and walks back over to the mechanic shop.
Mechanic calls him over and says, “looks like you blew a seal.”
Penguin: “nah it’s just a little ice cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77mjdd/so_a_penguin_is_driving_down_the_road_when_his/
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I had a happy childhood

my Dad would put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill, they were Goodyears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77mjc2/i_had_a_happy_childhood/
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How do you piss off a female archeologist?

Find a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77miay/how_do_you_piss_off_a_female_archeologist/
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Ving and Ling

Earlier this year, a Chinese family moved into my small town. The family had two twins who were both seniors in my class, Ving and Ling.
Ving and his sister Ling were quiet to start off with, but eventually I made good friends with Ving. After talking to him for a few weeks he revealed to me that he absolutely abhorred his name, and that he'd do almost anything to figure out how to get it changed.
I asked him what he wanted to change it to, and he said
"Lee, like Bruce Lee or something."
I was failing trigonometry at the time, and so I thought what the hell, and offered to help him in exchange for him doing my homework.
Ling overheard us and chimed in,
"If you do that, father will disown you as our child. That name has been in our family line for generations."
Ving never really listened to his sister though, and he still wanted to go through with the plan.
The next day after school, I drove him to the town hall. After we arrived, he had gotten the name-change sheet and was scribbling down information on to it when I saw his face change. I could tell he was extremely conflicted with his choice. Tears began to stream down his face. He finally decided that he was gonna have to cancel his request, and Ling looked relieved.
The receptionist let us know that there would be a cancellation fee, and handed the fee waiver to her.
Suddenly, a short Asian man with neon shorts, ray-bans, and an American flag t-shirt bursted into the room. Ving turned in awe and stared at the man, as tears rolled down his cheeks.
"D-Dad?"
With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.
"Don't stop, be Lee, Ving.
Hold on to that fee, Ling"
**Edit:** Nice going, people. Changed and fixed some stuff. Also, where the hell is that 4*chan* post?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77mi7g/ving_and_ling/
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What do you call a sweater that was blown away by the wind?

A cardi-gone.
(yes, I made this one up this morning)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77mhho/what_do_you_call_a_sweater_that_was_blown_away_by/
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Steve Jobs would be a better president than Donald Trump

But let's not compares apples to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77mgce/steve_jobs_would_be_a_better_president_than/
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My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is

I told him, "My door is always open".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77mdrb/my_landlord_says_he_needs_to_come_talk_to_me/
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My dog keeps chasing people on bikes

It got so bad I had to take away his bikes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77m4tl/my_dog_keeps_chasing_people_on_bikes/
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Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.

He comes upon a question: "What separates the head from the body?"
Ahmed answers: "The axe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77m3he/little_ahmed_is_doing_his_biology_homework/
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A woman was fixing soup for her family, but didn't notice when a box of BB's fell into the soup while she wasn't looking.

A woman was fixing soup for her family but didn't notice when a box of BB's fell into the soup while she wasn't looking.  She served the soup for dinner but later that night her young son came to her saying he'd just gone to the bathroom and passed some BB's and it really hurt. She thought this was ridiculous so she just sent him off to bed to nurse his pain. A little while later the daughter goes to the mother with the same story. By now the mother was suspicious and decided she would have to check it out.  But before she can do anything her older son comes to her. She says "I know.  You went to the bathroom and passed BB's and it hurts.  Right?" The son says "Well, not quite. I was in my room jerking off and I shot the cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77m3c6/a_woman_was_fixing_soup_for_her_family_but_didnt/
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A man goes to the psychiatrist and tells him that every day he passes a delicatessen.

In the window of the deli is a pickle slicer, slicing pickles. He tells the doctor that he has this urge, every time he passes, to put his
penis in the pickle slicer.
The shrink calms him down and asks him a little more about himself, trying to talk him out of it.  He suggests he take a different route to work, and sets up another appointment for the next week.
The guy comes back the next week and tells the doctor that he took the new route, but he keeps getting this picture in his mind.  He keeps seeing this pickle slicer going away at it in the window and he still wants to go over and put his penis in the pickle slicer.
The psychiatrist suggests he go farther away, take a cab to work, the idea being that the cabbie will keep his mind off of this.  He then makes another appointment for the following week.
The next week it's the same thing.  This time the shrink tries hypnosis, prescribes valium, but the problem persists.
Finally, one week, the guy comes in and says,
"I did it, Doc!  I put my penis in the pickle slicer!"
The psychiatrist is horrified.  He calms himself down and asks,
"Did it hurt much?"
The guy says,
"No.  Matter of fact, she liked it, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77m1d4/a_man_goes_to_the_psychiatrist_and_tells_him_that/
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Exchange rate

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank.  Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.  She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?'  The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.  The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lrh9/exchange_rate/
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A man and a woman who don't know each other are riding on a train.

It is late, and there is only one cabin left, so they agree they'll share it together.  "On the condition that you realize this is strictly platonic" says the woman.  The man takes the top bunk, the woman the bottom, and soon they are fast asleep.  In the middle of the night the woman feels a tap on her shoulder.  "I'm getting cold" the man says, "could you hand me a blanket".  The woman thinks for bit, and says "I know I said we should be platonic, but would it be OK if just for tonight, we treated each other like husband and wife?"  The man, his mind awash with possibilities, readily agrees.  The woman says "get your own damn blanket".  The man farts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lrg8/a_man_and_a_woman_who_dont_know_each_other_are/
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Books written by criminals are so hard to reference

Everytime you quote it, it's out of context

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lp5j/books_written_by_criminals_are_so_hard_to/
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Did you hear about the gay French baker?

Faguette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77llx5/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_french_baker/
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My parents named me Bob Ross.

They keep saying I’m a happy little accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lkqq/my_parents_named_me_bob_ross/
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TIL 50% of South Koreans have cataracts.

The other 50% drive Rincolns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lkmp/til_50_of_south_koreans_have_cataracts/
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2 men are on a boat sharing a pack of cigarettes when they realise they have no lighter

How do they light up?
They toss a cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lj9o/2_men_are_on_a_boat_sharing_a_pack_of_cigarettes/
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A man walks into a bar...

He goes the bartender, as sees a glass jar stashed with money. He asked the bartender what all the money in the jar was for. The bartender tells the man that the money is for anyone to complete 3 challenges. The man accepts the challenges with great confidence in himself.
"We have a door to the back which is almost impossible to open, a fierce bulldog with a loose tooth and an 89 year old lady who happens to be a virgin", explains the bartender. "The first challenge is to open the door, the second is to take the loose tooth from the bulldog, and well, you probably know what you have to do with the old lady."
The man manages to open the door with much effort, and heads out to the back to see the bulldog. From inside the bar, you could hear screaming, barking, ripping of clothes and even more screaming. The man struggles back inside with blood all over his body. "Alright", said the man, "Now where's the old lady with the loose tooth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lj2h/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I did 3 things thing morning 1.) Wake Up. 2.) Buy a mansion. 3.) Buy a Lambo

But the order they happened was 2,3,1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77liz6/i_did_3_things_thing_morning_1_wake_up_2_buy_a/
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Bricks

Q: There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
A: 499
Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?
A: Open door, put elephant in, close door.
Q: What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge?
A: Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Q: The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it, and why?
A: Giraffe. He's stuck in a fridge.
Q: Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There's no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
A: The alligators are all at a birthday party.
Q: Sally dies anyways. Why?
A: She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77liy7/bricks/
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One day, a teacher decided she wanted to have her first graders use "grown-up" words.

Teacher: "Ok class, what did you do this weekend?"
Lisa: "I saw a choo-choo!"
Teacher: "No Lisa, you saw a train. Remember, we're using grown-up words! What about you, Johnny?
Johnny: "I read a book!"
Teacher: "Really? What book did you read?"
Johnny: "Winnie the shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lipa/one_day_a_teacher_decided_she_wanted_to_have_her/
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A furniture store keeps calling me..

I’ll I wanted was a one night stand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lih7/a_furniture_store_keeps_calling_me/
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I was running late after playing a round of golf, so I left my clubs with my friend, stuffed a bunch of the balls in my pants pockets and got on a bus...

I sat down next to a beautiful blonde and she kept looking at me and my bulging pockets.
Finally, after many puzzled glances from her, I said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at me for a very long time, thinking deeply about what I had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lh6g/i_was_running_late_after_playing_a_round_of_golf/
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Why was Jesus crucified and not electrocuted?

Because if they had electrocuted him, today, 100 million Catholics wouldn't bless themselves with a cross. They would scream "Aaaarrrrrgggghhh!" and shake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lfcn/why_was_jesus_crucified_and_not_electrocuted/
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Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lf3f/everyone_knows_dave/
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What's a 6.9?

A good time interrupted by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ldwc/whats_a_69/
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What do they do with the bikes at the end of the Tour de France?

They recycle them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lcm3/what_do_they_do_with_the_bikes_at_the_end_of_the/
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My wife asked me what I'm posting on Reddit...

I tell her that they /r/jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lck3/my_wife_asked_me_what_im_posting_on_reddit/
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What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lbyy/whats_brown_and_runny/
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A man goes into the library...

Man: "Do you have the book about small penises?"
Librarian: "It's not in yet."
Man: "Yeah, that's the one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77lbwk/a_man_goes_into_the_library/
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Did you hear about the guy that stole a baby's bed?

He got cot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77l65m/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_stole_a_babys_bed/
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Did you hear about the pirate themed phone Apple have been designing?

They’re gonna call it the ayePhone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77l2o3/did_you_hear_about_the_pirate_themed_phone_apple/
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If you want to impress a girl...

...try complimenting her. For instance, "Wow, you're a fast runner! You nearly got away!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77l1nm/if_you_want_to_impress_a_girl/
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So this new little person turned up at my company today with his medical form explaining his condition.

He’d joined with a short notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77l14u/so_this_new_little_person_turned_up_at_my_company/
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A wife comes home and finds her husband in bed with a young woman.

As she is reaching for the phone to call her lawyer, he says, "Wait a minute! I can explain everything!
"I was at the mall and I saw this young lady sitting with a sign saying 'Will work for food', and you know the yard has needed a good clean-up, so I told her if she was willing to come and clean it I would gladly feed her as much as she could eat. Well, when she said she would work for food, she was telling nothing but God's honest truth, and you can see for yourself, the yard's cleaner than we've ever seen it.
"After an effort like that, three or four bowls of stew didn't seem like enough, and I noticed she'd gotten her clothes filthy, so I thought I'd have a look through the wardrobe and see what we could give her.
"There was that outdoor work shirt that you bought, only then it went out of style the next week and so you never even got it out of the packaging.
"You had a couple of pairs of jeans that you tried once and complained they made your ass look fat, so I thought you wouldn't mind.
"You had some hiking socks and boots that you bought five years ago when you were all about the hiking you were going to do, and then you never went, and I figured if you were going to try it at last you'd probably want new stuff anyway.
"There was some underwear that your sister sent you as a present, only you've vowed never to speak to her again and they've not seen daylight since you unwrapped them.
"This girl here was delighted with all this stuff, and she tried it all on, and then she said 'Have you got anything else that your wife doesn't want any more?'
"...and, well, here we are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77l0tc/a_wife_comes_home_and_finds_her_husband_in_bed/
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I don't know the meaning of the word "quit." I was going to look it up, but...

I still have some suicidal thoughts, but most of them have already killed themselves.
I’m a perfectionist. I’ve been writing and rewriting a suicide note for twelve years. It’s killing me.
My friend asked, “Must you write so many suicide jokes?”
“Don’t worry. I’ll stop soon.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77kyu7/i_dont_know_the_meaning_of_the_word_quit_i_was/
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When the nurse declined his request...

He simply said
**"When I donate blood I don't extract it, the nurse does"**
And walked out of the sperm bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77kxt4/when_the_nurse_declined_his_request/
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sheep problem

A farmer wonders why his sheep aren’t reproducing.
He visits a Veterinary who says every morning the farmer must pile the sheep into his truck, take them to the top of the local mountain and fuck each one. The Vet says to check on the sheep the next morning and if they’re lying in the tree shade then they’re pregnant. If they’re standing in the sun, they’re not pregnant.
He farmer relentlessly agrees and takes all the sheep to the top of the mountain and fucks each one.
The next morning, he wakes up and looks out his window and sees all of his sheep standing in the sun.
He piles them back into his truck, drives them to the top of the local mountain and fucks each one.
The next morning, he looks out his window to see all of the sheep are still standing in the sun.
Again, he piles them back into his truck, drives them to the top of the local mountain and fucks each one.
The next morning, he’s exhausted and rolls out of bed to look out of his window. All of the sheep are standing in the sun.
He piles them back into his truck, drives them to the top of the local mountain and fucks each one again.
The next morning, he’s completely drained. He can’t move or get out of bed. He wakes up his wife and asks her to look out to window to see if the sheep are laying in the tree shade or standing in the sun.
She looks outside and says “The sheep are in the truck honking the horn waving you to come out”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77kvm0/sheep_problem/
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counting sheep

So sick of hearing blonde jokes, a blonde cut her long hair and dyed it brown.
The next day she drove out into the countryside where she came upon a flock of sheep crossing the road. Stopping her car to watch the fluffy flock, she called out to the shepherd, "Your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd was taken by the woman's beauty and said to her, "Yes". So the woman said the first number that came into her head which was "436". Shocked that she was somehow right, the shepherd said, "That's right. Yes, you can pick one of my flock."
After much thought and study of the flock, the woman selected what she thought was the cutest and most playful one to take home with her.
The shepherd turned to the woman and said, "Now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77kvdz/counting_sheep/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

No idea, but more than 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77kr26/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I went by the house I grew up in, and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door.

My parents can be so rude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77klcm/i_went_by_the_house_i_grew_up_in_and_asked_if_i/
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What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?

Banned from the zoo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77k9oz/what_do_you_get_when_you_insert_human_dna_into_a/
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I was pretty sure my girlfriend didn’t have AIDS...

but now I’m positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77k7br/i_was_pretty_sure_my_girlfriend_didnt_have_aids/
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I heard women's pants are half-off at the clothes store.

But when I got there, all the women were fully clothed. There's a special place in hell for that false advertiser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77k2bu/i_heard_womens_pants_are_halfoff_at_the_clothes/
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It's my wife's birthday

And all she ever want was a fast car. Something to get her old heart pumping. She always hated me because i couldnt afford her nice things. She demanded that I get her something that can go from 0 to 200 faster than anything she's ever seen. Otherwise she would leave me. On the morning of her birthday I told her to go check the driveway. She went out and all she saw was a cardboard box. Furious, she questioned what it was. I told her to open it. Inside was a brand new scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77k06p/its_my_wifes_birthday/
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Two days ago, I named my WiFi to "Hack it if you can"

Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77jx2i/two_days_ago_i_named_my_wifi_to_hack_it_if_you_can/
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Not sure if this is a repost or not but it made it into my FB feed

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77jul0/not_sure_if_this_is_a_repost_or_not_but_it_made/
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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77jsjd/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77jmmg/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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It's the day before Halloween in Hollywood

A group of actors old and new are hanging out talking about their plans and what they're going to be dressed up as. Among them are Nic Cage, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Leonardo Dicaprio. The trio are huddled together as all three still haven't decided on a costume!
"We should plan something as a group." Leo suggests.
"That's brilliant!" Nic and Arnold respond. "But what should we do?"
The three argue over what they could be with such short amount of time. When suddenly Nic Cage stands up and exclaims. "I've got it! We can go in our suits, wear fancy wigs and we can all be famous classic composers! I can be Beethoven!"
Leonardo stands up next and says with a flamboyant gesture "Great idea! I can be Mozart!"
Arnold stands up and says "I'll be Bach".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77jks0/its_the_day_before_halloween_in_hollywood/
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What's the best thing about a gypsy on her period?

When you finger her you get your palm read for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77jklz/whats_the_best_thing_about_a_gypsy_on_her_period/
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Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex

He asks, "Mommy, what are you doing to Daddy?"
She thinks fast and says "Daddy's too fat, so I'm trying to flatten him out".
"Why bother? Every Tuesday the maid comes in and blows him back up again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77jkip/little_johnny_walks_in_on_his_parents_having_sex/
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The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.

One boy says: “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.
The same boys says: “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviour. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.
The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77jj8b/the_class_teacher_asks_students_to_name_an_animal/
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A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77jdjz/a_old_man_was_driving_down_the_freeway_when_his/
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What's the difference between a Hockey Player and a Hippie Chick?

A Hockey Player takes a shower after three periods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77jcw9/whats_the_difference_between_a_hockey_player_and/
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Today I went to a book store and found: "the only book you'll ever need to buy".

Volume 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77jbdw/today_i_went_to_a_book_store_and_found_the_only/
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In the 90's America was fighting a war on drugs

In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77jaj7/in_the_90s_america_was_fighting_a_war_on_drugs/
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Warning: Car Cleaning scam

Guys, please take care when shopping.  I've become a victim of a scam, this is what happens:
While loading my car at the supermarket 2 very attractive ladies come over to help and clean the windshield wearing very skimpy clothing (very nice to watch I must say), they wouldn't take any payment but instead asked to get a ride to the next store a few miles away, being a gentleman I oblige. On the journey the one in the front seat starts kissing me, playing with me and so on, anyway, it was very traumatic.  My pants where thrown into the back, but while I was being distracted by the one on top of me the other one took my wallet!
I've been done 3 times this week but they're not there on Sundays.  I'll take a look on Monday.
p.s Kmart sell wallets for 1.99.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77j4vn/warning_car_cleaning_scam/
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Peanut.

The husband is sitting on the couch eating peanuts,
throwing them into the air and catching them in his mouth.
His wife calls out to him from the kitchen. Just as he tosses one into the air,
he turns his head and the peanut goes into his ear.
As he is trying to get it out, he just keeps pushing it further in.
Wife asks "what are you doing?"
Husband says "I've got a peanut stuck in my ear and I can't get it out".
So the wife's up on the couch having a shot.
Meanwhile the daughter comes through the door with her new boyfriend and asks
"whats going on?"
Mum says "dad's got a peanut stuck in his ear and we can't get it out"
The boyfriend say's "I can fix that, I'll stick my two fingers up your nose
and when I do that - blow". So the fingers go up the nose, he blows and the peanut
flies across the room. There was nothing but praise for lad.
Anyway, the daughter and the boyfriend leave and the wife says "What a wonderful lad,
I wonder what he is going to be when he gets older".
The husband say's "By the smell of his fingers, I'm pretty sure he's going to be our son in-law. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77j2bw/peanut/
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A caretaker at a cemetery sees a woman crying over a grave...

"I'm sorry for your loss ma'am, was that your husband?"
"Yes. He died eating a poison mushroom"
The next day the caretaker sees the same woman crying over a different grave.
"Ma'am I'm so sorry. Who was he?"
"This was my second husband. He also died eating a poison mushroom"
The following day he sees the woman, again, crying over another grave.
"Don't tell me, was this your third husband?"
"Yes"
"Poison mushroom?"
"No, he died of a fractured skull. He wouldn't eat the mushroom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77iyo7/a_caretaker_at_a_cemetery_sees_a_woman_crying/
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Did you hear of the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77iwse/did_you_hear_of_the_constipated_mathematician/
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My salary is like my cock.

It's not going to impress a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77iwil/my_salary_is_like_my_cock/
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Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77itup/why_do_social_justice_warriors_hate_dentists/
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Why was the road afraid of the bike lane?

Because it was a cycle path!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ispm/why_was_the_road_afraid_of_the_bike_lane/
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My relationship with my chauffeur just isn't going anywhere.

It feels like he's always trying to drive me away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ir1d/my_relationship_with_my_chauffeur_just_isnt_going/
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I'd dress as Tommy Wiseau for Halloween.

But the costume and accessories aren't cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ioqj/id_dress_as_tommy_wiseau_for_halloween/
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What do you call a sleeping wolf?

An unawarewolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77inx6/what_do_you_call_a_sleeping_wolf/
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Praise the Lord!

A religious woman, upon waking up each morning, would open her front door, stand on the porch, and say, “Praise the Lord!”
This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to yell out his door, “There is no Lord!”
One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his religious neighbor praying for food, and, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.
The next morning the lady said, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.”
The neighbor, laughing so hard he could barely get the words out, screamed, “It wasn’t the Lord. It was me!”
The lady, without missing a beat, said, "Praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77iiyw/praise_the_lord/
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Two deer walk out of a gay bar

The one deer says to the other "I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77iina/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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A Man Walks Into A Bar With A Duffle Bag

A man walks into a bar carrying a duffle bag and places it on the bar. He says "My son just turned 21 and I would like to buy him a drink!" The bartender looks around and asks "Where's the birthday boy?" The man unzips the duffle bag and pulls the head of a 21 year old man out of it. The bartender gasps and steps back. The man hurridly explains that his son has an extremely rare birth defect in which he was born without a body, but is completely normal otherwise. The bartender shrugs and pours two whiskeys. The man gives the shot to his son then shoots his own. Just then the head suddenly sprouts a torso! The father and bartender are shocked and amazed! How could this be?! The father then says "Wait a second! Let's give him another shot and see what happens!" So they do and he suddenly sprouts a fully functional arm. The father is elated. He shouts "Keep the shots coming!" As the son takes shot after shot he eventually becomes a fully bodied man. The father and son are now extremely drunk and happy. They begin to talk about all the things they could do now that he has a body. The father then says "You know what! I'm going to teach you how to ride a bike! Right now!" So they go outside the bar and find a parked bike. The father shows his son how to sit on the bike and explains (drunkenly) how to pedal. He pushes the bike from behind while his intoxicated son struggles to balance on the bike, but eventually he finds his balance and pedals out ahead of his dad on his own. The dad yells "You're doing it! You're doing it! You're..." The son is suddenly hit and killed by a truck. The father is devastated and cries over his son's mangled body. The bartender whom was watching this unfold came over to the father and says, "He should have stopped while he was a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ihlu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_duffle_bag/
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There was a kidnapping today

I woke him up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77i6ky/there_was_a_kidnapping_today/
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Why don't clams donate to charity?

They're shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77i54o/why_dont_clams_donate_to_charity/
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An atheist, a feminist and a vegan walk into a bar

I know this because they told everyone there within 5 minutes of being there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77i0wm/an_atheist_a_feminist_and_a_vegan_walk_into_a_bar/
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I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do...

...so do the neighbors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77hzw0/i_dont_always_listen_to_heavy_metal_but_when_i_do/
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A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77hshy/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship/
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What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77hqyh/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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The beard or me. You must choose.

A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.
He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77hq6p/the_beard_or_me_you_must_choose/
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How long does an owl live?

Six and a half books

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77hpzb/how_long_does_an_owl_live/
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Two fish sitting in a tank

One said to the other I have no idea how to drive this thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77hmbs/two_fish_sitting_in_a_tank/
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A father and his three daughters...

are sitting at home on a Saturday evening.
There is a knock at the door. The father answers to a young man.
“Hi, my name is Lance, I’m here for Nance. We’re going to the dance.”
Nance left with Lance.
15 minutes later, another young man knocks at the door.
“Hi, my name Joe and I’m here for Flo. We’re going to watch the show.”
Flo left with Joe
A third young man arrives.
“Hi, my name is Chuck-“ the father shot Chuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77hlws/a_father_and_his_three_daughters/
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What goes clickety clickety bang bang clickety clickety?

An Amish drive by

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77hlw2/what_goes_clickety_clickety_bang_bang_clickety/
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What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77hltg/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
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A magician was driving down the street

then he turned into a driveway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77hcek/a_magician_was_driving_down_the_street/
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The Furious Teacher (NSFW)

Teacher: "Why are you giggling?”
Boy: "I saw a strap of your bra."
Teacher: "Get out! Don’t come back for a week!”
Another boy laughs...
Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"
Boy: "I saw both straps of your bra."
Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for a month!"
The teacher bends to pick a chalk, and little Johnny starts walking out of the class.
Teacher: "And where do you think YOU’RE going?"
Johnny: "With what I saw, I think my school days are over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77h63d/the_furious_teacher_nsfw/
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On New Year's Eve

Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77h4ct/on_new_years_eve/
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What's the difference between Swiss cheese and a black male?

Swiss cheese matures before being filled with holes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77h2na/whats_the_difference_between_swiss_cheese_and_a/
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Two men in a pub.........

“ George is a right ugly and miserable bastard, but the women just throw themselves at him.” Says Fred.
“ God knows why, just look at him sitting in the corner licking his eyebrows.” replies his mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77gzmo/two_men_in_a_pub/
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I am a marvelous housekeeper.

Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77gz3u/i_am_a_marvelous_housekeeper/
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A man brings his young son to a bar...

... and orders a beer. The son asks "Daddy, can I have a beer too ?"
The father asks "Son, does your penis reach your asshole yet ?
- Well I don't think so no
- You can't drink then."
Then the father lights a cigarette. The kid asks "Daddy, can I smoke too ?
- Son, does your penis reach your asshole ?
- Well no but...
- Well, can't smoke either"
Then the father buys a scratch game. Again, his son asks "Daddy, can I have one too ?"
The father thinks well, no harm in that, and buys him a game. His son scratches, and finds a winning ticket of $100.
Thrilled, the father tells his son "Hey son, sure you're gonna share with me right ? I bought you the ticket !"
The son answers :
"Daddy, can your penis reach your asshole ?
- Well of course son, I'm a grown man
- Perfect, you can easily go fuck yourself then"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77gqv9/a_man_brings_his_young_son_to_a_bar/
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The reunion

Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and obviously bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance....There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77gqfp/the_reunion/
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The Cleveland Browns visited an orphanage last week after their loss.

"It was so sad to see all the pain and hurt in their eyes." Said Katie, age 7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77gp6e/the_cleveland_browns_visited_an_orphanage_last/
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What is a jihadist's favorite kind of pepper?

Allahpeño

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77gok6/what_is_a_jihadists_favorite_kind_of_pepper/
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A seamstress accidentally pulls a string and unravels her life's work...

Oops, wrong thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77goa2/a_seamstress_accidentally_pulls_a_string_and/
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A man is driving down the highway and sees a sign on the side of the road that reads "Free talking dog".

He is skeptical but also curious and decides to pull over. He walks up to an old farm house and sees an old dog sitting on the porch. As he walks up the dog greets him with a "Hey, how's it going?"
The man is stunned as the dog stares at him waiting for a reply. Finally the man says "wow, this is amazing you can actually talk?"
"Yeah, I have for years, it's no big deal" the dog replies.
"Incredible.. so what are you doing here?"
"Well I was trained by the CIA, worked covert ops over seas, mostly as a spy in Russia and finally decided to settle down and retire on this farm"
As the dog continues to tell tales of his remarkable feats, an old farmer walks out of the house.
The man asks "this dog is absolutely amazing, why on earth are you giving him away for free!?"
The farmer replies "cause he's a fucking liar! He never did any of that shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77gmic/a_man_is_driving_down_the_highway_and_sees_a_sign/
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Once there was a bird that waited too long to fly south for the winter.

It got caught in a winter storm and landed on a fence in a farmer's field to rest, but just kept getting colder and colder until it fell off the fence into the snow.  The bird was certain it was going to die until a passing cow shit on the bird, which warmed it up.  It was so happy that it was going to live that it poked its head out of the shit and began singing with joy.  A cat that was nearby heard the bird singing, picked it out of the cow shit, and ate it.
The moral of the story?  Not everyone that shits on you is your enemy.  Not everyone who digs you out of shit is your friend.  And when you're in deep shit, for goodness' sake keep your head down and your mouth closed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77gljw/once_there_was_a_bird_that_waited_too_long_to_fly/
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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people.

Then the grenade exploded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77gkze/chuck_norris_threw_a_grenade_and_killed_50_people/
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I got pulled over doing 69 in a 55 last night.

I'm pretty sure I was speeding too, but the cop just kept focusing on the legs around my head being unsafe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77gf4r/i_got_pulled_over_doing_69_in_a_55_last_night/
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Two anti-vaxxers walked into a bar

And died of polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77gcvz/two_antivaxxers_walked_into_a_bar/
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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77g7ub/a_woman_goes_to_buy_a_parrot_the_prices_are_100/
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The Astronomer

An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the
same lecture night after night.  He confided this state of mind to his
chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination.  The chauffeur
expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.
"I've got it!" said the astronomer.  "You are bored with driving and I am
weary of lecturing.  Let's exchange places for one night.  It will be a
refreshing change for both of us.   My lecture is all written out word for word
and nobody in the next town knows me by sight anyway."  The driver agreed and
the exchange of roles and dress was made.  That night the lecture hall filled
to capacity.  At the appointed time those in attendance heard a flawlessly
delivered lecture.  At its conclusion the lecturer basked in the euphoric
applause.  Then came the question and answer period.
"Who discovered Uranus?" came from a boy in the front.
"Uh...William Herschel."  He remembered that from somewhere.
"And who discovered Pluto?" continued the boy.
"Aaaa...that would be Clyde Tombaugh."  He had read a little.
Then from the back:  "Would you please comment on the relative merits
of the pulsation instability model and the accretion disk instability model for
the explanation of outbursts of cataclysmic variable stars?"
The speaker paused for a moment, then said, "I am surprised that you
would bother to ask me such a simple question.  To show you how really simple
it is I shall have my chauffeur answer it for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77g6bq/the_astronomer/
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A couple on honeymoon in hotel room undressing. The groom removes his socks and the bride asks: "What's wrong with your feet, your toes look all mangled?"

Groom: "I had Tolio as a child."
Bride: "You mean Polio?"
Groom: "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."
The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: "What is wrong with your knees, they are lumpy and deformed?"
Groom: "As a child I had Kneasles."
Bride: "You mean Measles?"
Groom: "No Kneasles, a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The Bride then removes his boxers and the bride asks: "Why are you spotted?"
Groom: "As a child I had smallpox."
Bride: "I hope you don't mean SmallCox!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77g3oj/a_couple_on_honeymoon_in_hotel_room_undressing/
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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord.
It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77g2p9/a_little_boy_wanted_100_badly_and_prayed_for_two/
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A doctor tells his patient, "I have bad news and worse news."

"The bad news is that you have cancer. The worse news is, you also have Alzheimer's."
The woman sits and thinks for a moment, seeming to ponder these heavy diagnoses. Finally, she says "Well, I guess it could be worse. At least I don't have cancer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77g29u/a_doctor_tells_his_patient_i_have_bad_news_and/
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A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem.

The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77fxh5/a_woman_is_having_a_hard_time_getting_her/
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Two Ranchers make a deal.

One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county. They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.
They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks away and won't let the bull get near her. The owners watch as the bulls repeated attempts are met with a cold response.
The bull's owner leans over to the cow's owner and asks,"Did you get your cow from Ft. Worth?"
The cow's owner, astonished, replies, "Yea, I did! How did you guess?"
"My wife is from Ft. Worth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77fx0j/two_ranchers_make_a_deal/
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Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77frrw/guys_i_think_my_girlfriend_might_be_a_psychic/
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My sister is pregnant, and suddenly said, “He’s kicking!”

So I punched her in the stomach. Can’t believe her son thinks it’s okay to hit women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77fqxp/my_sister_is_pregnant_and_suddenly_said_hes/
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communist jokes aren't funny

unless everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77fq4g/communist_jokes_arent_funny/
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Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replies, "The stork brings them." Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, “Then who fucks the stork?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77fkj0/little_johnny_asks_mommy_where_do_babies_come_from/
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Good news!! I beat my addiction to the hokey pokey!!

I’ve officially turned myself around...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77fkgu/good_news_i_beat_my_addiction_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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How many guitarists does it take to play Stairway to Heaven?

All of them, apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77fjch/how_many_guitarists_does_it_take_to_play_stairway/
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My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.

I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77fg3t/my_wife_and_i_have_been_married_for_quite_a_few/
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A nice clean jewish joke

The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God,“This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?”
“Of course it is,” said the Lord, smiling. “Who can he tell?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ffjz/a_nice_clean_jewish_joke/
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I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table.

I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77feg2/i_was_sitting_on_my_own_in_a_restaurant_when_i/
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How many cats can be put in an empty box?

Only one, it's no longer empty after the first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77fe0n/how_many_cats_can_be_put_in_an_empty_box/
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When under stress, you have to choose between the fight or the flight response. Unless...

you're a fighter pilot...then you can do both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77faoh/when_under_stress_you_have_to_choose_between_the/
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour.

Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77f8ce/there_was_this_guy_at_a_bar_just_looking_at_his/
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What do you call someone who sells their body for spaghetti?

A pastatute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77f75f/what_do_you_call_someone_who_sells_their_body_for/
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A Guy goes on a date to the movies

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.
When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.''
He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.
They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77f749/a_guy_goes_on_a_date_to_the_movies/
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Under capitalism man exploits man...

Under communism the reverse is true

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77f1oy/under_capitalism_man_exploits_man/
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"Hey, buddy, can I borrow your chloroform?"

"Sure! Knock yourself out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77f004/hey_buddy_can_i_borrow_your_chloroform/
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I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby...

...apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77eyrj/i_got_a_vasectomy_but_my_girlfriend_still_had_a/
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They say the average high school prom goer now spends $1000 on prom

Or $2000 if you count the abortion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77eodr/they_say_the_average_high_school_prom_goer_now/
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Why did chicken from New York Times Online cross road?

Sorry, you have reached your limit for free articles this month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77el8j/why_did_chicken_from_new_york_times_online_cross/
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I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday

**She said:** You'll never find someone like me.
**I said:** That's the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77eilg/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_yesterday/
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Which of King Arthur's Knights invented the round table?

sir cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77efd8/which_of_king_arthurs_knights_invented_the_round/
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I had sex with a 16 years-old on an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ecl8/i_had_sex_with_a_16_yearsold_on_an_elevator/
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What do you call a handsome sprinter?

Dashing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ec3q/what_do_you_call_a_handsome_sprinter/
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What's the difference between Trump becoming president and a soldier dying in combat?

The soldier knew what he signed up for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ebly/whats_the_difference_between_trump_becoming/
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One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ead1/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
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Instructions how to fall down stairs:

Step 1
Step 2
Step 4
Step 16

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77e70u/instructions_how_to_fall_down_stairs/
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What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I cry when I cut up onions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77dz34/whats_the_difference_between_an_onion_and_a_hooker/
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Three men consult a Ouija board to speak with a demon

The first man asks "What is your name?"
The planchette doesn't move.
Thinking the demon must not like the first man, the second man also asks "What is your name?"
The planchette refuses to move.  However, a faint growling echoes from behind them.
After an uncomfortable few moments, the third man gathers the courage to ask once more "What is your name?"
The planchette doesn't move.  To which the fourth man asks *"Why won't this motherfucker move?!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77dyph/three_men_consult_a_ouija_board_to_speak_with_a/
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A little girl sees her Mom and Dad having some action in the bedroom [NSFW]

Girl: Mom, is it true that babies come out of the same hole the penis goes in ?
Mom(startled): uh...Yes that's true honey.
Girl: So will your teeth break now ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77dvkq/a_little_girl_sees_her_mom_and_dad_having_some/
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I didn't vaccinate my kids...

and the ones that lived are doing okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77duwe/i_didnt_vaccinate_my_kids/
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What is Hodor's favourite cereal?

Raisin Bran!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77drpw/what_is_hodors_favourite_cereal/
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I set up an internet page for chinese nazis

So far it has 3 Reichs on facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77dr4c/i_set_up_an_internet_page_for_chinese_nazis/
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Did you hear about the pencil that got an injury in jail?

It broke mid-sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77dr0s/did_you_hear_about_the_pencil_that_got_an_injury/
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If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic

People will believe you 80% of the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77dpk6/if_youre_ever_losing_an_argument_randomly_quote_a/
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After all these years, I finally left my abusive relationship. I feel so relieved!

Now that I don't have to beat my girlfriend anymore, I have so much free time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77dmo0/after_all_these_years_i_finally_left_my_abusive/
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I understand now why women have long hair

If I had to pay as much for a haircut, I'd put it off too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77dmbt/i_understand_now_why_women_have_long_hair/
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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

"Rhino!"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77dkm2/okay_fred_shaggy_and_daphne_can_you_name_an/
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What's the difference between my dad and other dads?

Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77di38/whats_the_difference_between_my_dad_and_other_dads/
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My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77dgkz/my_buddy_set_me_up_on_a_blind_date_and_he_said_id/
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I’m deathly afraid of elevators

I’m gonna start taking steps to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77dfqe/im_deathly_afraid_of_elevators/
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Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77d9gz/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
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Engelbert asks a cab driver to take him home after a night out in the city.

He lives in a village outside of town so it is quite a distance. The taxi driver tells him he can take him, but it will cost him $100. Engelbert only has $80, so he tells the taxi driver:
'I'll give you $80 now, but I'll need the same ride next week, and then I'll pay you $200'
The cab driver responds, 'Right, how do I know you're not just scamming me? You can walk back to your stupid village.'
Since there are no other taxis around, Engelbert indeed has to walk all the way back to his village, which takes him 4.5 hours. He is not happy, as you can understand.
The next week Engelbert again goes out in the city and again ends up trying to find a ride home at the same taxi stop. Now he has ensured that he has plenty of money left to get a ride home. This time there are three taxis; one of them if the taxi from last week. First, Engelbert goes up to one of the other two taxi drivers.
Engelbert: 'How much to take me to my village?'
Taxi driver #1: '$100.'
Engelbert: 'Ok, tell you what. I'll give you $200, but then we stop half way, and you come give me a nice hand job in the back seat.'
Taxi driver #1: 'What! That's disgusting! Get the fuck out of my cab, you creep!'
Engelbert now goes to the next cab (not the one from last week, but the other new one).
Engelbert: 'How much to take me to my village?'
Taxi driver #2: '$100.'
Engelbert: 'What if I gave you $200, but then we stop somewhere during the ride and you give me a nice blow job in the back seat?'
Taxi driver #2: 'I don't think so, you pervert! Get out of my cab!'
Finally, Engelbert goes to the cab driver that wouldn't take him for $80 last week.
Engelbert: 'How much to take me to my village?'
Taxi driver #3: 'Still $100, just like last week.'
Engelbert: 'OK, I'll tell you what. I give you $200, but then you have to honk and wave at the other cab drivers as we drive off!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77d60l/engelbert_asks_a_cab_driver_to_take_him_home/
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A man left work one Friday afternoon.

Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend and went hunting with the boys and spent entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77d41j/a_man_left_work_one_friday_afternoon/
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A traveler is going across the desert.

He comes across an oasis in the desert. After resting for a bit he notices that he is horny. He ties his camel to a tree, gets behind it and gets ready to pleasure himself. Only then the camel looks back and the man feels guilty and unties the camel.
He gets on the camel and keeps trotting the desert. Then he gets really horny again. He ties the camel to a tree again only to be faced by sad looks again. He feels really guilty and carries on walking the desert.
While walking he comess across an oasis again only to be faced with a beatiful naked woman stuck in quicksand. He runs to her and gets her out of the quicksand.
The woman says: Oh my god! I thought I was going to die! I owe my life to you. I'll do anything.
The man says: Anything?
The woman says: Yes, anything at all!
The man says: Can you hold this camels neck while I fuck it? She's been giving me weird looks all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77d1ts/a_traveler_is_going_across_the_desert/
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One night a man and a woman are both at a bar

knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77cyf2/one_night_a_man_and_a_woman_are_both_at_a_bar/
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77cvx4/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
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A woman got married and had 13 kids. Her husband died in a freak accident.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77cvar/a_woman_got_married_and_had_13_kids_her_husband/
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How do Japanese Chihuahuas say hello?

Konichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77cs3p/how_do_japanese_chihuahuas_say_hello/
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Why doesn't a bird wear pants?

Because his pecker is on his head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77cpai/why_doesnt_a_bird_wear_pants/
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Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77cmgb/teacher_if_i_gave_you_2_cats_and_another_2_cats/
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Logic hurts.....

*Wife:* I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.
*Husband:* Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
*Wife:* But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
*Husband:* Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77cjxy/logic_hurts/
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The wife and cat

Wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
Husband: You must be really bored
Wife: No I'm not
Husband: I was talking to the cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77cedm/the_wife_and_cat/
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[long] A woman wasn't happy with the way her toddler was growing up

He was a normal child in all regards, but he didn't show any kind of resemblance or similarity to her or her husband. This greatly disturbed her, but she didn't say anything to her husband lest he get upset.
One day, she decides enough is enough and has a DNA test done on the boy without telling her husband. Alas, the results were exactly what she feared. The child was not theirs. She was extremely aggrieved.
That evening, when her husband came home, she cried out the terrible news to him. Her husband was absolutely calm and replied, "yes, I know".
What do you mean you know? she demanded.
Well honey, you remember the day you gave birth to the baby, when we were taking the baby home, the baby peed in his diaper?
Yes.
Then you handed the baby to me and told me "get the baby changed". So I did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77calx/long_a_woman_wasnt_happy_with_the_way_her_toddler/
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One Day a Man Walks Into a Bar

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny
piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing  person. The bartender replied that he got him from a genie who lives inside the storage closet.
The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside. The genie told the man,  "I will grant you one wish." Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed, "I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."
The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77c7ld/one_day_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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The administrator of a hospital is getting a tour of the new wing.

They walk into a room and see a man masturbating furiously.
"What's the meaning of this!?" thunders the administrator.
The head nurse explains "This man has a serious prostate condition, sir.  it is very important that he ejaculates 6 times a day."
"Oh - so sorry, excuse us!" say the embarrassed administrator, and they continue the tour.  They step into another room and see a man laying in bed, with a beautiful blonde nurse giving him a blowjob.
The administrator says "What the hell is going on here!?"
The head nurse says "This man has the same condition, but has a better health plan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77c74k/the_administrator_of_a_hospital_is_getting_a_tour/
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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It’s not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77c5re/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
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Q. What do 'Free bird' by Lynyrd Skynyrd and my orgasms have in common?

A. 5 minutes solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77c0n7/q_what_do_free_bird_by_lynyrd_skynyrd_and_my/
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Why is EA the worst games company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77bzxb/why_is_ea_the_worst_games_company_in_america/
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The Germans really do have a word for everything.

It's *alles* by the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77byhh/the_germans_really_do_have_a_word_for_everything/
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The magical cave swamiji!

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he visit a Swamiji who lived in a nearby cave. “Simply leave a sample of urine outside his cave, and he will meditate on it, miraculously diagnose your problem, and tell you what you can do about it. But it will cost you one hundred dollars.”
Bill figured he had little to lose, so he filled a jar with urine and left it outside the cave with a hundred-dollar bill. The next day when he came back, there was a note waiting for him that said, “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”
Later that evening, Bill started to think that the swami’s “miracle” was a put-up job by his friend, who could have written the note and left it outside the cave himself. So Bill decided to get back at his friend. He mixed together some tap water, a yard sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and son. To top it off, he included another bodily fluid of his own, and left the concoction outside the cave with a hundred dollar bill. He then called his friend and told him that he was having some other health problems and that he had left another sample for the swami.
The next day he returned to the cave and found another note that said,“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.Your son is hooked on cocaine. Get him into rehab.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77bw5d/the_magical_cave_swamiji/
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A defendant was on trial for murder.

There was strong evidence indicating his guilt, but there was no corpse. In his closing statement, the defense attorney resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” he said. “I have a surprise for you all—within one minute, the person presumed dead will walk into this courtroom.”
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, stunned, all looked eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the business about the dead man walking in. But you all looked at the door with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I must insist that you return a verdict of ‘not guilty.’”
The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, they returned and pronounced a verdict of “guilty.”
“But how could you do that?” bellowed the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.”
The jury foreman replied,“Oh, we looked, but your client didn’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77bufh/a_defendant_was_on_trial_for_murder/
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but nobody knows how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77br63/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don't find some support, people are going to think we're nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77bprt/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other/
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My first day as a car salesman...

Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77bonc/my_first_day_as_a_car_salesman/
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A prostitution ring gets busted one afternoon.

As all of the girls were lined up outside the police station to get booked, one of the girls noticed her grandma walking by, who came up to her and said, “Why Hello?! What are you waiting in line for dear?”
The prostitute, embarrassed, lies and says she’s waiting in line for an orange stand, to which the Grandma replied, “Oh, I would love some oranges!”
As the prostitute and her grandma came to the front of the line, the policeman asked the Grandma, “How do you still do it at this age?”
The Grandma replied, “I just pull out my dentures, pull back the skin, and suck it dry!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77bn3t/a_prostitution_ring_gets_busted_one_afternoon/
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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."
The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the heroin, then back at the Rabbit, and then threw the needle away. The two then proceeded to run though the forest.
While running through the forest they came upon a sheep. This sheep was about to smoke a joint. The rabbit looked at he sheep for a moment and then said, "Sheep, don't smoke pot. Pot is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest.
The sheep looked at the rabbit, then at the joint, then back at the rabbit, and then threw the joint away. The three then proceeded to run through the forest.
The three then stumbled upon a tiger. This tiger was about to crack open a cold beer. The rabbit looked at the tiger for a second and then said, "Tiger, don't drink alcohol. Alcohol is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest!"
The Tiger then looked at the rabbit, then at the beer, then back at the rabbit, and then cracked open the beer and carefully placed it on the ground next to him. He then proceeded to slowly walk over to the rabbit, lifted his paw up, and then mauled the shit out of the rabbit. After he was done he slowly walked back to the beer, picked it up and started drinking it.
The giraffe and the sheep were shocked. The giraffe looked at the tiger and said, "Dude!!! What the fuck? He was just trying to help you!!! Why did you hurt him?"
The tiger slowly looked at the giraffe and then said, "Because every time that rabbit does cocaine I end up running through the fucking forest!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77bh02/one_day_a_small_rabbit_was_taking_a_run_through/
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A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.

Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?
"They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77bg95/a_man_is_attending_the_super_bowl_when_he_notices/
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The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77bfu5/the_doc_told_a_guy_that_masturbating_before_sex/
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Tupperware, more like . . .

TupperWHERE da hell is the lid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77bfb9/tupperware_more_like/
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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."
He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bookish sort in a bad business suit and says, "Tell me your story."
"Okay," says the man. "I thought I had a wonderful life. I had a beautiful wife and we had a lovely place on the 34th floor of an apartment building. I came home from work early today, and I saw my beautiful wife sleeping naked in bed with another man's clothes on the floor. So of course I started looking for the bastard who slept with my wife."
"Like I said, I lived in an apartment. There weren't that many places to hide, but I couldn't find him anywhere! Just when I was about to go confront my wife, I see him. The bastard was hiding outside the window, holding onto the windowsill. I go up to him and started stomping on his hands over and over again, but he wouldn't let go. I finally kicked him in the face and he fell. Unfortunately, he landed on a bush and bounced to safety. In my anger, I grabbed my refrigerator and throw it out after him. However, the cord from the refrigerator wrapped around my leg and pulled me to my death."
St. Peter nods and says, "You're story is acceptable. Welcome to heaven." He goes to the second man a brawny working-man type and says, "What's your story?"
"I'm a window washer," says the man. "I've been a window washer for over 20 years. Well today, I'm washing the windows of the 35th floor of this apartment building when my scaffolding breaks. I thought I was going to die, but I manage to catch myself on the windowsill of the story below. All of a sudden this maniac comes out and starts mashing my fingers. I try my best to hold on, but he kicks me in the face and I fall. Once again, I thought I was going to die, but I land on this hedge and bounce away no worse for the wear. I look up and BOOM. Dead. Last thing I saw was a refrigerator."
St. Peter holds back a chuckle and lets him into heaven. He goes to the third man, a ridiculously handsome fellow with sandy-blonde hair, and asks, "What's your story?"
"Alright," says the man. "Picture this. You just got finished banging some dude's wife. He comes home. You hide in the refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77bfaf/three_men_arrive_in_heaven_at_the_same_time_st/
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[long]A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely"...

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Finally, Billy raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So Billy replies, "Then I definitely just shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77be0g/longa_kindergarten_teacher_is_trying_to_explain/
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What do you get when you cross goat DNA with human DNA?

From experience You'll get kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77bcby/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_goat_dna_with/
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Did you hear about the guy who died of a viagra overdose?

Terrible news. Really shocking.
Apparently, his girlfriend took it very hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77b94m/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_died_of_a_viagra/
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He Made A Monster

Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition and discovered he had seriously misunderstood the objective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77b15n/he_made_a_monster/
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A caretaker had been working at a church for almost 30 years

One day while the priest was doing confessions, he got a phonecall telling him that his father was dying and he needed to come to his bedside as soon as possible. Not wanting to let down the people needing confessions, he asked the caretaker to fill in.  "You've been here long enough to know the drill, just listen to their problems and give them some sort of penance" he said. The caretaker reluctantly agrees. He gets into the confession box and prepares for the first confessor, which happened to be a woman. "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I gave my husband a blowjob". The caretaker, taken back and out of his depth thinks to himself "what type of penance do I give for that?!" Feeling desperate, he opens the door and calls one of the alter boys over and asks him "what does father Frank give for a blowjob?" To which the alter boy responds "usually a can of coke and a snickers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77b0i6/a_caretaker_had_been_working_at_a_church_for/
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A length of rope walks into a bar.

The bartender looks at him and says, _"Get out, we don't serve ropes in here!"_ The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends.
He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, _"Hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out?"_ And the rope replied, _"No, I'm a frayed knot."_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77awbk/a_length_of_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
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Only picture of my grandfather shows he is either Native American or Mexican.

To figure it out I was told to go the woods. If I start hunting, he’s Native American. If I start landscaping, he’s Mexican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77autd/only_picture_of_my_grandfather_shows_he_is_either/
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I thought it would be a cool idea to have sonic in real life

But apparently speed doesn’t make animals faster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77auk2/i_thought_it_would_be_a_cool_idea_to_have_sonic/
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There's a new holiday in Russia called National Sobriety Day

People are at a loss as to how to celebrate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77at4a/theres_a_new_holiday_in_russia_called_national/
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What do you call a guy who doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77arbz/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_doesnt_fart_in_public/
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What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar prefer?

Her/She

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ara7/what_gender_pronouns_does_a_chocolate_bar_prefer/
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A very rich, materialistic man is sitting and thinking.

He has many luxurious things - everything inside and out, huge mansion, massive watch collection, extensive antique display, and most importantly, a gallery of luxury cars.
He, in high spirits, decides to add to his car collection and buys a brand new Lamborghini Huracan. Then, he spends the next 2 hours driving around, showing off his car, and waving to pedestrians.
Nearing the end of his day, he parks in a restaurant parking lot and gets out but suddenly another car slides into the space next to him and rips the door clean off!
The man, infuriated, yells in anger and whips out his phone and dials 911. He yells at the dispatcher saying, "This man just ripped the door clean off my new Lambo! I demand you send an officer! Arrest him! Shoot him!
The dispatcher replies, "sir, um, this kind of issue doesn't deserve a 911 call—"
"No! I paid very good money for this car and I demand you send an officer at this instant!"
"Alright sir, he's on his way."
When the officer arrives, the rich man is already all up in the officers face, exclaiming how this ignorant man destroyed his new car.
The officer yells back, "You disgust me! Your materialistic traits have kept you from realizing that not only did the door get torn off the car, but so did your arm!"
The man looks down at his arm and exclaims, "Oh no, my Rolex!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ao4f/a_very_rich_materialistic_man_is_sitting_and/
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War in the forest

A war breaks out in the forest, and all the animals are called in for mobilization draft.
Bear reluctantly sets off to the local barracks. He doesn't really want to go, he is big, slow, a perfect bullet magnet.
Suddenly, he comes across the fox and the rabbit, sitting by the camp fire, happily singing and drinking Whisky.
"Haven't you guys heard about the war? We all have to go and report to the army!" the bear tells them.
"Oh, we went", says the rabbit, "and we got turned down, we are free from service."
"How?" asks the bear
"Well, rabbits are known for their long ears, so I cut off mine" says the rabbit, "and the fox here, known for his tail, so he cut it off, and we are now disabled, and unable to serve"
Bear looks at his tiny tail, and tiny ears, and realizes that wont even be noticed if he were to cut it off. "What can I do?" he asks the fox and the rabbit.
"Well, there is certain other part you could cut off..." Helpfully suggest the fox.
Bear is torn... lose the balls, or potentially lose his life... He makes the tough decision and with the help of rabbit and fox, makes the cut.
Few hours later the bear is returning, hunched over and crying.
"Whoah, don't tell me they took you in regardless?" asks the rabbit.
"No" says the bear through tears, "they didn't even get that far, they checked my feet first, and told me I cant join because of my flat feet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77amsh/war_in_the_forest/
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How does Sean Connery shave.

Ctrl + S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ahkq/how_does_sean_connery_shave/
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I'm still using Office 2010 ...

For lack of a better Word ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ah2h/im_still_using_office_2010/
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My friend was bleeding and the first aid book told me to apply pressure...

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77aglf/my_friend_was_bleeding_and_the_first_aid_book/
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What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One of them isn't an elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77adzy/whats_the_difference_between_an_indian_and_an/
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There are three types of people in this world

People who can count
And people who can't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77acl0/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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I used to work at a charity where nobody was allowed to mention Jesus

It was a non-prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ack2/i_used_to_work_at_a_charity_where_nobody_was/
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A guy from some middle eastern village moves to Germany.

He gets off the plane and hails a taxi, an old Mercedes Taxi cab pulls up to pick him up and they set off.
Middle eastern guy is really impressed with the car, having never seen a Mercedes before, and he asks about the hood ornament, what is it for?
The taxi driver realizing this guy is fresh off the plane, plays a joke on him and tells him that it is his targeting aim, to help run down any pedestrians on the road.
They keep driving for a few minutes, when suddenly a pedestrian steps out on the road.
Taxi driver swerves like crazy, trying to avoid him, and just when he thinks he missed him, a massive THUNK is heard; he looks in the rear view mirror and sees the pedestrian laying flat on the road. He is confused and looks at the middle eastern guy who says:
"Man, this targeting of yours is useless, if I had not opened the door, you would have missed the guy completely!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77ac24/a_guy_from_some_middle_eastern_village_moves_to/
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How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl scream?

Ten-Tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77abwt/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_japanese/
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The birds and the bees

Little Johnny's father calls Johnny in for a chat, and tells him he is about to talk to him about the birds and the bees.
Johnny immediately burst into tears and starts bawling his eyes out.
"What is the matter?" asks the father
Somehow in between the tears johnny answers:
"When I turned 10 you called me in for a talk and told me that Easter bunny wasn't real.
Then when I turned 11, you called me in to tell me that Santa Claus isn't real.
And if you now tell me that sex is not real too, I have nothing left to live for!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77a9mx/the_birds_and_the_bees/
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I went to my doctor today and said, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."

The doctor peered over his glasses and asked, "Why do you think that, Mr. Hatter?"
"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."
"I wouldn't worry about that." he replied. "Those are just side effects."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77a9e4/i_went_to_my_doctor_today_and_said_doc_i_think/
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What did one egg say to the other?

Dude, I just got laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77a8tb/what_did_one_egg_say_to_the_other/
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I had a dream last night I invented Lord of the Rings.

I was Tolkien in my sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77a62w/i_had_a_dream_last_night_i_invented_lord_of_the/
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I like my woman the way I like my coffee

I never had either but it smells really good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77a5cs/i_like_my_woman_the_way_i_like_my_coffee/
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Who is the best Jewish rapper of all time?

Dr Dreidel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77a39b/who_is_the_best_jewish_rapper_of_all_time/
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What’s the only drink size available in North Korea?

A supreme litre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77a31g/whats_the_only_drink_size_available_in_north_korea/
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Do you drink beer?

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 - correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in one year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where's your airplane?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77a1w2/do_you_drink_beer/
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A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.

Haha just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/779za1/a_lawyer_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A Father in Law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/779xfz/what_do_you_call_a_priest_that_becomes_a_lawyer/
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why do single girls not fart?

because they don’t have an asshole until they’re married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/779wjt/why_do_single_girls_not_fart/
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i have never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/779w5z/i_have_never_understood_why_women_love_cats/
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I was really excited when I first read that could have daily sex.

But it turns out I just have "dsylexia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/779qvr/i_was_really_excited_when_i_first_read_that_could/
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Cowboy

A man and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tire.
As he got out, the boyfriend spotted a cowboy nearby, sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke.
He told his girlfriend, “Watch me make that cowboy change my tire!” He got out and ordered,
“Hey, you! Get off that horse and change my tire.” The cowboy lit his cigarette and ignored him.
“Hey! I told you to change my tire. If you don’t, I’ll kick your ass!” The cowboy glanced up and said softly,
“Tell you what, feller. First, I’m going to finish my smoke. Then I’m going to get down off this horse, kick your ass Then I’m gonna make you hold my balls up out of this hot sand while I Fuck her.”
Later, driving away, the girlfriend said, “That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn’t he, baby?” The boyfriend replied, “Naw, he wasn’t that tough. Did you see the way he ran away after I dropped his balls in the sand?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/779q9g/cowboy/
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What's the lightest thing in the world?

a penis, because even a thought can lift it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/779nxb/whats_the_lightest_thing_in_the_world/
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Why can't you trust telemarketers?

Because they sound phony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/779kn5/why_cant_you_trust_telemarketers/
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Who came first, the chicken or the egg?

The egg, he was premature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/779kk5/who_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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My new favorite sex position is "the JFK."

I splatter all over while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/779k08/my_new_favorite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
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Why did the one-armed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/779f3i/why_did_the_onearmed_man_cross_the_road/
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A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.

One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/779bho/a_teacher_wanted_to_teach_her_students_about/
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What is a pornstar's favorite drink?

7 Up in Cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7792u4/what_is_a_pornstars_favorite_drink/
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A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.

The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7791j3/a_proud_and_confident_genius_makes_a_bet_with_an/
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What does a devout catholic girl do when she gets spanked?

She turns the other cheek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/778sm8/what_does_a_devout_catholic_girl_do_when_she_gets/
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What do you call a terrorist with tourettes?

A ticking time bomb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/778qw7/what_do_you_call_a_terrorist_with_tourettes/
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Why is Jesus afraid to play Hockey?

He's scared he will get nailed to the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/778qiu/why_is_jesus_afraid_to_play_hockey/
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I shaved off a friends eyebrows a couple weeks ago, he was surprised apparently...

...I couldn't tell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/778pag/i_shaved_off_a_friends_eyebrows_a_couple_weeks/
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Hot and Cold SEX

After his exam, the doctor asked the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact I do", said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and after I have sex with her the second time, I am hot and sweaty." The doctor told him he would do some research and get back to him.
Later after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor asked, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?" She replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor said to her, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after sex with you the first time, and hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that crazy old fart," she replied. "That is because the first time is usually in January and the second time is usually in August."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/778oa6/hot_and_cold_sex/
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So a man was standing on a high rock, while the world around him was starting to flood. As a Christian, he begins praying to God.

"Lord, please deliver me from this flood" he said. A man on a boat came by and asked if he needed any help.
" No thanks, God will help me."
The man on the boat left.
The water was beginning to rise, and the man started to get anxious.
The man again prays for God to save him.
Another man on a boat comes by and asks if he needs help.
"Nope, I am a man of faith, and I know that God will deliver me."
The second man on a boat left as well.
The water was almost reaching the man, so he prayed desperately for God to deliver him from the flood.
"Lord, where are you? Please, save your humble servant!"
A third man comes by on a boat to help.
The holy man says
"Get thee behind me Satan! You will not tempt a servant of the Lord to betray his faith"
The man on the boat shrugged and left.
Finally, the water reached the man, and he died drowning.
When the man went to Heaven, he asked God why he didn't save him during the flood
"What are you talking about?" God asked. "I sent you three boats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/778lme/so_a_man_was_standing_on_a_high_rock_while_the/
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There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/778k5m/there_was_an_elderly_couple_who_in_their_old_age/
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A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.

As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/778j5y/a_husband_and_wife_were_driving_through_louisiana/
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A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.
It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/778fw2/a_group_of_monks_have_an_encounter_with_the/
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One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later the appraiser calls him: "I've finished my analysis, and I've got some good news. There's no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius." The man is ecstatic: "I can sell these for millions!" The appraiser says "Well, you can sell them, and they'll fetch some money for their novelty value. But not millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius wasn't much of a painter... and Van Gogh made lousy violins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/778fur/one_day_a_man_hears_that_a_distant_uncle_passed/
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Your mommas so fat,

it takes her two trips to haul ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/778c1f/your_mommas_so_fat/
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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

Allegedly he fingered A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7788bm/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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I can't remember how to write 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I am LIVID.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7787wa/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_51_6_and_500_in/
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I googled Gary Oldman for some info, I was met with some heavily graphic images

My bad, I forgot the 'r'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7786dt/i_googled_gary_oldman_for_some_info_i_was_met/
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Life is pretty much like Netflix

If you eliminate your standards completely, there's more to enjoy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7784sd/life_is_pretty_much_like_netflix/
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Hey Doctor I feel like a curtain

Doctor: Pull yourself together then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/778325/hey_doctor_i_feel_like_a_curtain/
%
Soviet Economics

1980s. Soviet Economy minister is making speech at Communist Party session:
- According to latest statistics, our incomes rose 20%, our quality of life rose 30% and our buying economic power rose 40%
From the audience: That's great that YOURS did, but what about OURS??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7781g4/soviet_economics/
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I made a graph of my past relationships...

The data was plotted on an ex axis and why axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7780b5/i_made_a_graph_of_my_past_relationships/
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Halloween Party

A man walks into a Halloween party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of jeans.
The host says, “Well, Steve, this is a costume party.”
The man responds, “I’m in costume. I’m a premature ejaculation.”
The host asks, “how’s that?”
“I just came in my pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/778032/halloween_party/
%
Two men and a dog sitting out on the porch.

The dog is licking itself.
One man says to the other, "I wish I could do that!" He responds "he'll bite you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777yir/two_men_and_a_dog_sitting_out_on_the_porch/
%
My job is sectioning and dehydrating organic materials.

It may sound complicated, but it's actually cut and dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777yef/my_job_is_sectioning_and_dehydrating_organic/
%
There was life on mars...

Until Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777wej/there_was_life_on_mars/
%
A man gets mugged.

He goes in for a police sketch.
The police has the picture and asks him if this is accurate.
He says, “he looks sketchier than when i saw him”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777tyl/a_man_gets_mugged/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?"
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777s2b/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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Why Sharks Circle

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spotted survivors of a ship that had just sunk.
"Follow me son" the older father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise old father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777rnk/why_sharks_circle/
%
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777re1/as_an_airplane_is_about_to_crash_a_female/
%
I was walking down the street and I punched of a white guy and then I was arrested for assault.

The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777omh/i_was_walking_down_the_street_and_i_punched_of_a/
%
Did you hear about the sketchy mushroom vendor?

He has no Morels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777neb/did_you_hear_about_the_sketchy_mushroom_vendor/
%
My wife asked me what mansplaining is.

I'm not sure what to tell her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777lio/my_wife_asked_me_what_mansplaining_is/
%
Wife: You bastard!

...someone just told me you're screwing an 18 year old girl.
Husband: That news is so 5 years ago. She's 23 now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777hlv/wife_you_bastard/
%
October is domestic abuse awareness month...

Time to make your significant other aware....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777gmf/october_is_domestic_abuse_awareness_month/
%
Internet explorer is the best web browser

For when you need to download Chrome and Firefox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777gll/internet_explorer_is_the_best_web_browser/
%
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777g7e/a_worldwide_survey_was_conducted_by_the_un/
%
A man walks into a doctor's office with a broken arm.

He asks the doctor, "Doc, when my arm is healed, will I be able to play guitar?"
Doctor: "Well the fracture doesn't appear to be too bad, so yes you should be able to when it's all healed"
Man: "That's fantastic news! I've always wanted to be able to play guitar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777fim/a_man_walks_into_a_doctors_office_with_a_broken/
%
My grandfather used to circumcise elephants for a living.

The wages were poor, but the tips were enormous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/777ekw/my_grandfather_used_to_circumcise_elephants_for_a/
%
What do Inspector Clouseau and a gigolo have in common?

They're both Peter Sellers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/776yy6/what_do_inspector_clouseau_and_a_gigolo_have_in/
%
A cowboy goes to the stable

He lifts his horse's tail, and plants a kiss smack dab on the horses butthole.
Another cowboy sees this and yells, "What the hell are you doing?"
He replies, "I've got chapped lips."
"Does that help?"
"Nope, It just keeps me from licking them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/776upi/a_cowboy_goes_to_the_stable/
%
Harvey Weinsteins weapon of choice?

The Rapier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/776o5o/harvey_weinsteins_weapon_of_choice/
%
What do you call a bunch of capitalists dying of tuberculosis?

Mass consumption

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/776l0e/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_capitalists_dying_of/
%
Have you tasted ethiopian food?

Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/776h6f/have_you_tasted_ethiopian_food/
%
In the mid-80s, there were 2 rich men who were constantly arguing over the purpose of the head on a man's penis.

One man insisted that it was for the pleasure of the man, and the other insisted that it was for the pleasure of the woman. Finally, they decided that they would fund research teams to settle the issue. The first team, from France, came back after 6 months and $600,000.  the results of the study proved conclusively that the head of the penis was for the pleasure of the woman.
The first man would not believe this.  so they funded another team from Italy. 3 months and $300,000 later, they came back with a study that said that the head of the penis was definitely for the pleasure of the man.
They decided that a third team would decide the matter and they chose some good old boys with real American know-how. 5 minutes and $5 later, the good old boys came back and stated:
"The head of the penis is to keep your hand from slipping off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/776av1/in_the_mid80s_there_were_2_rich_men_who_were/
%
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted and decided it wasn't worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
"Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7762dc/a_young_man_met_a_beautiful_girl_and_agreed_to/
%
A guy goes to the doctor.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77615f/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What do engineers and dogs have in common?

They both have that bright spark in their eyes but are crap at communicating what they mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775xhm/what_do_engineers_and_dogs_have_in_common/
%
Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age...

Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775wy1/between_the_stone_age_and_the_bronze_age_there/
%
What's Kim Jong Un's favorite step of mitosis?

Nuclear division.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775vp8/whats_kim_jong_uns_favorite_step_of_mitosis/
%
I grew up in a rough neighbourhood...

And my mom would constantly yell at the top of her lungs “get back inside boy, there’s a goddamn junkie heading this way!”
Now that I’m an adult she yells “get back inside you goddam junkie there’s a boy heading this way!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775vbc/i_grew_up_in_a_rough_neighbourhood/
%
A Pharoah makes a reservation at a ski resort...

Pharaoh: I'd like to make a reservation for two please.
Attendant: Absolutely. Can I get your name please.
Pharoah: "Neferneferuaten"
Attendant: ...can you spell that out for me?
Pharaoh: Bird, double triangle, wavy line, dog head, more bird, flames..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775ssu/a_pharoah_makes_a_reservation_at_a_ski_resort/
%
The reason why Santa is so jolly

...is he knows where all the bad girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775r97/the_reason_why_santa_is_so_jolly/
%
I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier.

I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"
He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775nla/i_passed_a_kid_sat_on_the_side_of_the_road/
%
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775n7d/what_did_the_nut_say_when_it_was_chasing_the/
%
I read that donations to sperm banks have dropped dramatically...

It's probably because, these days, most men do their banking online...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775mgj/i_read_that_donations_to_sperm_banks_have_dropped/
%
what did the brother cell says to his sister cell when she stomp on his toe?

mitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775m8t/what_did_the_brother_cell_says_to_his_sister_cell/
%
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it.

The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775llb/one_day_there_were_two_boys_playing_by_a_stream/
%
The lady of the manor is out for a drive...

...and, in defiance of all probability and the manufacturer's promise, the Rolls-Royce grinds to a halt in the middle of nowhere. So the chauffeur gets out and, finding himself unable to call the RAC, decided he'd better see what he can do for himself.
After a while, milady gets out of the car and is standing around fretfully, wondering what she can do to help. So she goes over to the toolbox and calls out "I say! Do you need a screwdriver?"
And from underneath the car, the chauffeur answers, "Not now milady, I'm trying to fix the Roller."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775jp8/the_lady_of_the_manor_is_out_for_a_drive/
%
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.

Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775im7/a_bride_tells_her_husband_honey_you_know_im_a/
%
Before I tell my wife something important

I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775gce/before_i_tell_my_wife_something_important/
%
Something told me to stop today

It must've been a sign

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775g7w/something_told_me_to_stop_today/
%
I got a new job helping a one armed typist write in capitals

It's only shift work, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775did/i_got_a_new_job_helping_a_one_armed_typist_write/
%
The cops shot my friend who works with metal...

Just coz he was a black smith..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775b5n/the_cops_shot_my_friend_who_works_with_metal/
%
What’s the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/775ar0/whats_the_difference_between_humans_and_a_bullet/
%
Had an issue with how the latest season of Game of Thrones ended:

Bit of an auntie climax don't you think?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7759t0/had_an_issue_with_how_the_latest_season_of_game/
%
It's really easy to survive a zombie apocalypse

It's a no-brainer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7758pz/its_really_easy_to_survive_a_zombie_apocalypse/
%
A little old lady told me this at work.

Who is the most popular male at a nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee and 12 donuts.
And the most popular woman?
The lady that can eat the last donut without getting her hands sticky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7755dz/a_little_old_lady_told_me_this_at_work/
%
My son and I were having a fight.

"You never learn from your mistakes!" he complained.
I told him I have learnt a lot from him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7754tb/my_son_and_i_were_having_a_fight/
%
Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7751ou/saudi_arabia_banned_chess_calling_it_a_dangerous/
%
In school, we had an assembly on bullying

The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality. She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal abuse he suffers. She then asked a question, 'How do you think he takes it?'. Apparently, 'Up the arse!' wasn't a suitable answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/774zyo/in_school_we_had_an_assembly_on_bullying/
%
How can you tell if a mechanic has an active sex life?

One of his fingers is perfectly clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/774vkb/how_can_you_tell_if_a_mechanic_has_an_active_sex/
%
People of Alabama have summer teeth.

Summer there. Summer not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/774uxc/people_of_alabama_have_summer_teeth/
%
My girlfriend suspects I still have feelings for my ex.

Just don’t tell my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/774tq1/my_girlfriend_suspects_i_still_have_feelings_for/
%
The Grumpy Pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing.
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash
register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing.
"When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and when I finally got back to answer it, it was your wife wanting to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
"Believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/774qxt/the_grumpy_pharmacist/
%
Where do horses go when they break a leg?

The Horse-pital!
Just kidding, they get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/774qm7/where_do_horses_go_when_they_break_a_leg/
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A rope went into a bar

where a sign prominently displayed proclaimed "No ropes served".  "Can't you read the sign?  It says 'No ropes served'" said the bartender. The rope went home dejected and put on a disguise: dark glasses heavy overcoat mussy hair.  Back to the bar he went. "Hey I know you you were in here before. You're a rope and the sign says... well you know what it says.  Now out!" Truly down on his luck the rope was at his wits' end. He went home and cut off his ends and unraveled himself and tied himself up into a big half-hitch.  He then returned to the bar tattered ends dragging and draped himself over the chair. "May I help you?" asked the barman. "Wait... there's something awfully familiar about you... didn't I throw you outta here twice already?  Are you a rope?" "No" replied the rope "I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/774q55/a_rope_went_into_a_bar/
%
The Man and the Leprechaun

I found this joke online and it's new to me so I thought I'd share.
So, a guy walks into the restroom at a bar and sees a midget at one of the urinals. He walks over to the other one and starts to take a leak. Out of curiosity, he looks to the side and sees the midget has the biggest dick he’s ever seen.
After a couple moments of shock, he says,  “Hey, uh… I’m not gay or anything, but I couldn’t help but notice, well, uh… How’d a little guy like you end with such a huge cock?”
The midget answers in an Irish accent, “It’s because I’m a leprechaun. I wished it upon meself.”
“Well, would you be able to give me one, too?” asks the guy.
“Sure!” says the leprechaun. “But, it will cost you.”
“How much?” asks the guy.
“I’m a leprechaun with a pot of gold… What would I need your money for? No, you have to let me shag you up the ass!”
The guy thinks about it for a few moments. “Well, for a dick that big, I could take it once, I guess.”
The leprechaun has the guy drop his pants and get down on all fours. He comes up behind him, slowly pushes it in, and starts to pump.
“So, what’s your name?” he asks the guy.
“B-B-B-Bob!” he stammers.
“And… How old are ya, Bobby?”
“Twenty-seven!”
“Now, ain’t that a wee bit old to be believin’ in leprechauns?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/774ke4/the_man_and_the_leprechaun/
%
Where do responsible parents send children with ADHD over the summer?

Concentration Camps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/774gvj/where_do_responsible_parents_send_children_with/
%
Facebook is like jail

You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/774guc/facebook_is_like_jail/
%
My friend told me one of her life goals is to have sex in every state...

I can help her with "unconscious"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/774du5/my_friend_told_me_one_of_her_life_goals_is_to/
%
The best way to get a girls attention is to compliment her

as in "wow you're a fast runner, you almost got away"
Joke by: Jimmy Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7745dr/the_best_way_to_get_a_girls_attention_is_to/
%
Studies show that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/774424/studies_show_that_women_who_carry_a_little_extra/
%
My friend told me that he was having sex with a star.

I said "Are you fucking Sirius?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7743lb/my_friend_told_me_that_he_was_having_sex_with_a/
%
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7741nm/how_do_you_fix_a_broken_pumpkin/
%
What is Hannibal Lecter's favourite spice?

Ground ginger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/773u6g/what_is_hannibal_lecters_favourite_spice/
%
What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?

One is a Goodyear. The other is a GREAT year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/773rao/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365/
%
What’s the best thing about dating homeless chicks?

You can drop them off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/773mha/whats_the_best_thing_about_dating_homeless_chicks/
%
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy.

After a while one elephant says to the other, “I really don’t get how he could feed himself with that thing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/773k8h/two_elephants_meet_a_totally_naked_guy/
%
A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/773g7u/a_teacher_decides_to_let_students_out_early_if/
%
I bought a dog from a blacksmith

I know he was from a blacksmith because as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/773ch0/i_bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith/
%
*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
*later*
Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7737g6/mugger_pulls_a_knife/
%
What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons... Civil engineers build targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7736zz/whats_the_difference_between_mechanical_engineers/
%
Why was the mime arrested?

All I can say is that they committed an unspeakable crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77360c/why_was_the_mime_arrested/
%
The seven dwarfs are in church

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear
and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst
themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up
and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said
the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church." A little time passed
and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves
causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.
Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in
the city?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says
the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay
of the priest.
Once again, Dopey stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in
the state?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no
midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.
The dwarfs continue their interference.
Dopey stands up and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?"
The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns
in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country,
there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!"
Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey
fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7732fq/the_seven_dwarfs_are_in_church/
%
My neighbors are listening to really good music

Whether they like it or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/772z4s/my_neighbors_are_listening_to_really_good_music/
%
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/772vk2/i_asked_my_wife_where_do_you_want_to_go_for_our/
%
How do you cut Rome in Half?

Use a pair of Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/772tv5/how_do_you_cut_rome_in_half/
%
As I was leaving work for the day, my boss tried to get me to stay back and finish a report. I told him it sounded like a job for Tom.

Tom Orrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/772thh/as_i_was_leaving_work_for_the_day_my_boss_tried/
%
What's a feminist's favorite kind of math?

Triggernometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/772ri8/whats_a_feminists_favorite_kind_of_math/
%
Did you hear about the English teacher that went to jail?

She got a full sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/772o0z/did_you_hear_about_the_english_teacher_that_went/
%
Why do white boys love dating black girls

Because they don't have to worry about meeting her father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/772nov/why_do_white_boys_love_dating_black_girls/
%
What did the spoon dress up as to the Halloween party?

A cereal killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/772kqo/what_did_the_spoon_dress_up_as_to_the_halloween/
%
My wife of 59 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/772hq1/my_wife_of_59_years_said_lets_go_upstairs_and/
%
My friend said he ate an entire encyclopaedia and pooped out a few pages.

I said, "Too much information."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/772fhe/my_friend_said_he_ate_an_entire_encyclopaedia_and/
%
Jim and bob walking down the street

Bob falls down a dark hole.
Jim: hey bob is it dark down there??
Bob : I don't know , I can't see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/772ao5/jim_and_bob_walking_down_the_street/
%
I really like seeing #MeToo on social media

It tells guys like me to either shape up or just go ahead and run for President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7727go/i_really_like_seeing_metoo_on_social_media/
%
The Purple Violet

Timmy was starting kindergarten, and on his first day he was pretty nervous.
First, the students went around and said their names, and something fun about them.
“I’m Mary, and I like dolls!” said Mary.
“I’m Johnny, and I like action figures!” said Johnny.
When it was Timmy’s turn, he said, “I’m Timmy, and I like basketball!”
Later when it was time for gym, Timmy was delighted to find that he was a basketball superstar. He was sinking every three he shot, dunking on his classmates like a mini Michael Jordan. He was disappointed when gym ended, but when they got back to class, it was circle time.
“Let’s all hear about your favorite kinds of flowers,” the teacher said.
“Mine is the rose!” said Mary.
“Mine is the daisy!” said Johnny.
When it was Timmy’s turn, he said, “My favorite flower is the purple violet!”
Suddenly, all if his classmates started screaming, and the teacher send Timmy straight to the office.
When Timmy’s mother picked him up, she was seething. She said, “Timmy, it’s your first ever day of school. What did you do to get expelled on your first day?”
“Well,” Timmy said, who was now even more confused, “I was pretty nervous for my first day of school. First we all said our names and something about ourselves. Mary said she likes dolls, Johnny said he likes action figures, and I said I like basketball.”
“Then what happened?” asked his mother.
“Then we went to the gym, and I found out I was really good at basketball. I was sinking every three I shot and dunking on the other kids like a mini Michael Jordan.”
“Then what happened?” asked his mother, who by then was confused as well.
“Then we had circle time and we had to say our favorite flower. Mary said her’s was the rose. Johnny said his was the daisy. I said my favorite flower is the purple violet.”
As soon as the words left Timmy’s mouth, his mother pulled the car over, threw her son out, and sped away.
Eventually a cop saw Timmy on the side of the toad and pulled over. He asked, “Kid, what are you doing waking on the side of the road?”
“Well,” Timmy said, who was now crying, “I was pretty nervous for my first day of school. First we all said our names and something about ourselves. Mary said she likes dolls, Johnny said he likes action figures, and I said I like basketball.”
“Then what happened?” asked the cop.
“Then we went to the gym, and I found out I was really good at basketball. I was sinking every three I shot and dunking on the other kids like a mini Michael Jordan.”
“Then what happened?” asked the cop, who by then was very confused.
“Then we had circle time and we had to say our favorite flower. Mary said her’s was the rose. Johnny said his was the daisy. I said my favorite flower is the purple violet.”
As soon as the words left Timmy’s mouth, the cop tasered him, brought him out to the jail, and threw him in a cell.
When his day in court came, the judge looked down at Timmy and said, “You’re a five year old. What could you have done to end up here?”
“Well,” Timmy said, who was now sobbing uncontrollably, “I was pretty nervous for my first day of school. First we all said our names and something about ourselves. Mary said she likes dolls, Johnny said he likes action figures, and I said I like basketball.”
“Then what happened?” asked the judge.
“Then we went to the gym, and I found out I was really good at basketball. I was sinking every three I shot and dunking on the other kids like a mini Michael Jordan.”
“Then what happened?” asked the judge, who by then was very confused.
“Then we had circle time and we had to say our favorite flower. Mary said her’s was the rose. Johnny said his was the daisy. I said my favorite flower is the purple violet.”
As soon as the words left Timmy’s mouth, the judge banged his gavel, and the jury sentenced Timmy to one hundred years in prison without possibility of parole.
Because he went vegan in the clink, Timmy lived to one hundred and five was able to get out right on schedule. At that point he was so happy to be free, he was skipping through the jail whooping and hollering, right into the street where he was struck and killed by a car.
So, the morale of the story is to look both ways before crossing the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7724p3/the_purple_violet/
%
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.

Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7723yk/sarah_goes_to_school_and_the_teacher_says_today/
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Why can't you email a photo to a Jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7720yq/why_cant_you_email_a_photo_to_a_jedi/
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Don’t you hate it

when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7720pb/dont_you_hate_it/
%
Did you guys hear the one about the perfume factory that went out of business?

Nevermind, it doesn't really make scents anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/771ui0/did_you_guys_hear_the_one_about_the_perfume/
%
What is a jockstrap?

A nutcase

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/771o2k/what_is_a_jockstrap/
%
Man trys nude sunbathing and burns his dick

He calls his friend who recommends he dunk it in a glass of milk to ease the pain. He goes into the kitchen totally naked, fills a glass full of cold milk and cautiously puts the tip in. Just at that moment his wife bursts through the door. She takes one look at him and says.
"Huh, so that's how you reload those things."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/771jhp/man_trys_nude_sunbathing_and_burns_his_dick/
%
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/771hy6/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class_and_she_sees_that/
%
ISIS lost a capital today

ISIs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/771gpp/isis_lost_a_capital_today/
%
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7719id/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table_the_son_asks_the/
%
What's the #1 rule of the spice trade?

Thyme is money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7719eo/whats_the_1_rule_of_the_spice_trade/
%
People in the deep south must really love Halloween

since they march around in their ghost costumes all year long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7717lj/people_in_the_deep_south_must_really_love/
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Did you hear about my large donation to the Charity of Deaf People?

Cause they sure haven't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7712cg/did_you_hear_about_my_large_donation_to_the/
%
Son, will you pass me the Dop Ted?

"What's a dop ted?"
"You are! You're adopted."
"Very funny Dad."
"I'm not your dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/770z2a/son_will_you_pass_me_the_dop_ted/
%
I watched so many programming tutorial videos in college

My inner monologue started developing an Indian accent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/770vcm/i_watched_so_many_programming_tutorial_videos_in/
%
Ever heard of an Irish bath?

An Irish bath is when you stand at the sink and just wash your armpits. Some people call it a Gypsy bath, or an Italian shower. A French bath is when you just douse yourself in cologne.
Whatever you call it, it’s all just ethnic cleansing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/770tyx/ever_heard_of_an_irish_bath/
%
my friend has a model fish collection

they are all to scale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/770tly/my_friend_has_a_model_fish_collection/
%
There was once an old King who was a grouch

One day he marries the only woman who would have him. She was sweet, kind, and the whole kingdom loved her. They all felt sorry for her living with such a mean, rude man. One day the queen realizes she is pregnant and she is worried that the child will turn out like her husband instead of her gentle nature. She asks the kingdom's fortune teller for advice and is told she must rub her belly every day and say "Be polite" out loud. In a few months she is so huge she realizes she must be having twins. She doubles her effort and now twice a day she rubs her belly and says "Be polite" out loud. Her due date comes and goes and since this is a fantasy kingdom of the past this goes on for decades. Finally, 50 years later, huge and bedridden she gives up on seeing her twins and dies. The evil king orders her cut open to see what monstrosity was growing inside and find two men each repeating "You go first" "No I insist, you go first" "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/770h4y/there_was_once_an_old_king_who_was_a_grouch/
%
What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasuarass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/770fzj/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
What do you call a scientist that steals energy?

A joule thief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/770edv/what_do_you_call_a_scientist_that_steals_energy/
%
How do cute animals like their meat?

r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/770d9p/how_do_cute_animals_like_their_meat/
%
What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

He awaits it at the next stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/770a0u/what_does_usain_bolt_do_when_he_misses_the_bus/
%
My grandfather said, "Your generation relies too much on technology."

I replied, "Yours does too." As I turned off his life support...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/770574/my_grandfather_said_your_generation_relies_too/
%
How can you tell when you're in a math problem?

Your pickup is full of watermelons, and your need to find out how much orange juice costs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7704z2/how_can_you_tell_when_youre_in_a_math_problem/
%
Why does hole need a W

It would'nt be whole without it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7702u3/why_does_hole_need_a_w/
%
A blond walk into a bank and asks for a $5000 loan

She will be going away on a business trip for a week. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The luxury car, its gleaming shell attracting wishful looks from passer-bys, is parked on the street in front of the bank. The bank officer proceeds with the verifications and everything checks out. The bank thus agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. The car is driven into the bank's underground garage and parked there.
A week later, the blonde returns from her business trip. She returns the loan along with the interest- a total bill of $5000 + $20.
The bank officer says, "Excuse me madam, pardon our curiosity and all but we checked your credentials to realise that you're actually a millionaire. Why would you need to borrow $5000?"
The blond replies with a smile, "Where else in a city can I park my luxury car for a week perfectly safely for only $20 and expect it to be there undamaged when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/77019w/a_blond_walk_into_a_bank_and_asks_for_a_5000_loan/
%
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None… He fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76zq14/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
%
What's the difference between a Taliban Base and a hospital?

I don't know, I just fly the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76zg3a/whats_the_difference_between_a_taliban_base_and_a/
%
In Soviet Russia...

A man asks a Russian: What nationality were Adam and Eve?
The Russian replies: Soviet of course!
The man asks: How do you know?
To which the Russian replies: Well they were both naked, had only an apple to eat, and thought they were in paradise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76zb06/in_soviet_russia/
%
I'm holding a charity event for people who can't achieve orgasm.

If you can't cum, let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76zavw/im_holding_a_charity_event_for_people_who_cant/
%
I have CDO.

It's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order like they're supposed to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76z59w/i_have_cdo/
%
A little Tap on the Driver's Shoulder By the Passenger.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76yzko/a_little_tap_on_the_drivers_shoulder_by_the/
%
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion...
Doctor : Good! You have understood the story. Next patient, please..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76yylj/guy_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_we/
%
Trump is nothing like Hitler

There's no way he could write a book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76yygq/trump_is_nothing_like_hitler/
%
What do really ugly people and really good-looking people have in common?

No one of the opposite sex has the guts to talk to them...
I'm so lonely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ywcx/what_do_really_ugly_people_and_really_goodlooking/
%
Name change

Did you hear about the guy who legally changed his name to 'Username'? When he died, all the headlines read: "Username checks out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76yvb0/name_change/
%
Why do the Scots wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76yq1t/why_do_the_scots_wear_kilts/
%
Did you hear about the Romanian who read for too long?

She had to give the Bucharest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76yp0c/did_you_hear_about_the_romanian_who_read_for_too/
%
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

They'll find out one day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ynqa/shout_out_to_the_people_wondering_what_the/
%
If you watch Godzilla backwards

it's about a dinosaur that passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ymgd/if_you_watch_godzilla_backwards/
%
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide, but you can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76yjgd/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_that_stole_my/
%
If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76yf20/if_you_can_make_a_woman_laugh_youre_almost_there/
%
I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call…

She called my room and said, “What the hell are you doing with your life?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76yd6n/i_asked_the_hotel_receptionist_for_a_wakeup_call/
%
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76yal5/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76y8s1/an_army_captain_approaches_a_prostitute_and_asks/
%
What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this sh*t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76y8p6/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
%
Went golfing with a buddy, and I asked him why he brought an extra pair of socks.

He said, "In case I get a hole in one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76y5ag/went_golfing_with_a_buddy_and_i_asked_him_why_he/
%
A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour.

The tour guide announces: "On the right of the airplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle Falls."
The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the windows on the right side. This causes a dynamic imbalance, and the plane violently rolls to the side and crashes into the canyon wall. All aboard are lost.
The moral to this episode is: always keep your poles off the right side of the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76y4cs/a_group_of_polish_tourists_is_flying_on_a_small/
%
What do you call a Sikh on a tight rope

Balan Singh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76y43l/what_do_you_call_a_sikh_on_a_tight_rope/
%
Welsh pub

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer.
All the other men in the bar looked at him and the bartender asked, "You're not from around here, are you lad?"
"No," replied the man, "I'm  from London."
"So, boyo," said the bartender, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." Replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them do?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The bartender then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's o.k. lads, he's one of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76y41w/welsh_pub/
%
If you eat a banana without it's consent

Does that make it Ripe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76y3tk/if_you_eat_a_banana_without_its_consent/
%
What's the difference between a container with sand and a container with babies in it?

I can't use a pitchfork to empty the container with sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76y2gk/whats_the_difference_between_a_container_with/
%
You know what I hate?

When people answer their own questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76y05f/you_know_what_i_hate/
%
What did the seal with the broken arm say to the shark.

“Do not consume if seal is broken”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xuxc/what_did_the_seal_with_the_broken_arm_say_to_the/
%
My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults"...

Good man, terrible geologist...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xuor/my_dad_always_told_me_dont_be_quick_to_find_faults/
%
You can now major in Marijuana at some universities

Guess grades are going to be a little higher this semester!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xseg/you_can_now_major_in_marijuana_at_some/
%
What's it called when you're reborn as something French?

Oui-incarnation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xr1g/whats_it_called_when_youre_reborn_as_something/
%
I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino, but after four weeks, they still hadn't been delivered, so I called them up to see what was going on...

They told me they were still dealing with my order...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xpjz/i_ordered_a_secondhand_deck_of_cards_from_a/
%
Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist?

Because they are not-zs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xp4p/why_are_the_first_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks"
I said "Don't mention it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xnck/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
What's the difference between and radical feminist and a trash bag?

A trash bag gets taken out once a week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xm5s/whats_the_difference_between_and_radical_feminist/
%
A Catholic priest was drowning......

A Catholic priest was drowning in a ocean when suddenly a boat supported and asked the priest " do you need some help? You are drowning!""
He replied "No thank you God will save me"
Then another boat came and asked the priest " do you need some help? You are drowning!"
He replied "No thank you God will save me"
Then the priest died and asked God " God I believed in you why didn't you save me?"
To which god replied "I sent you 2 boats you dummy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xkbw/a_catholic_priest_was_drowning/
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How do you know if you have a high sperm count

She has to chew before she can swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xjek/how_do_you_know_if_you_have_a_high_sperm_count/
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What do you call a stolen tesla?

An Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xirq/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
%
I knew it was going to be a bad day after I fell asleep on the school bus this morning.

Especially since I was the one driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xfme/i_knew_it_was_going_to_be_a_bad_day_after_i_fell/
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A man goes down on his knees and proposes to her..

Marry Me... and Make me the Happiest Man in the World
Looking bewildered she replied
.
.
.
.
You want Both !!!??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xfjz/a_man_goes_down_on_his_knees_and_proposes_to_her/
%
A woman tells her husband she was diagnosed with cancer.

Her husband tells he’s very sad and sorry for her. Once they get to bed, the wife asks:
‘Honey, when I’ll be... dead, will you marry someone else?’ The husband thinks for a while. ‘No.’
‘Why not? Don’t you like being married?’ ‘If you want me to, then yes.’ ‘Will she sleep in my part of the bed?’ she asks mournfully. ‘I guess she will.’ answers the husband. ‘Will you replace all my photos?’ ‘Of course not, I’ll keep the ones I love most.’ ‘Will she drive my car?’ ‘No, she doesn’t have a driver’s licence.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xb22/a_woman_tells_her_husband_she_was_diagnosed_with/
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Soon, usernames will be passed in families as a legacy

"Son, there's something i want you to have.., it's my username"
"Oh jees, thanks dad ! "
"You're welcome son, euh i mean SirSpankALot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xawu/soon_usernames_will_be_passed_in_families_as_a/
%
Why do farts stink?

So that deaf people can enjoy them too..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xauz/why_do_farts_stink/
%
When it's sunny, I think, "beer garden!"

When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while.
When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xamt/when_its_sunny_i_think_beer_garden/
%
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.

Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76xa9s/an_irishman_englishman_and_scotsman_go_into_a_pub/
%
You know what system Admins at Google are called?

Probably Groot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76x9he/you_know_what_system_admins_at_google_are_called/
%
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.......

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked... with beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76x8h3/how_to_impress_a_woman/
%
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76x3x6/a_woman_walked_into_the_kitchen_to_find_her/
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All alone

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to my girlfriend’s office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76x2r4/all_alone/
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New agreement to change EU official language from German to English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76wvxj/new_agreement_to_change_eu_official_language_from/
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Last night I slept like an attorney.

First I'd lie one side, then I'd lie on the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76wtq9/last_night_i_slept_like_an_attorney/
%
The secret of living to 100 years old is ...

Patience ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76wsen/the_secret_of_living_to_100_years_old_is/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question.
They just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76wmz2/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Turns out most of them are dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76wm8z/til_unvaccinated_children_are_less_likely_to_be/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently not 1583 cause its still dark down there its starting to smell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76wih5/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Halloween trick or treat

I remember a story from last year. I was sat in my living room when I heard a small knock at the door. As I opened the door there was a little boy dressed as the Predator, with his dad.  I asked "and who are you meant to be?" kneeling down to give him a sweet, "a child Predator" his dad responds. "What a coincidence" I thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76wf4z/halloween_trick_or_treat/
%
Two women walk into a bar and talk about

The Bechdel test

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76weuu/two_women_walk_into_a_bar_and_talk_about/
%
An Aussie visits a Kiwi.

Kevin had a cousin in New Zealand, he hadn't seen his cousin since they were kids so decided to set up a trip to visit his farm for a couple of weeks.
On the first day there his cousin Richie was showing him around the farm on his tractor when they came across a sheep with it's head stuck in a barb wire fence.
Richie stops the tractor and turns to Kevin.
"Wait here mate, I'll just be a few minutes"
Richie jumps off the tractor and approaches the sheep, he proceeds to drop his trousers and starts hammering away with abandon on the sheep.
Kevin in dumbstruck, can't believe his eyes.
"Mate! Strewth! For Fucks sake! I know we give you guys shit about being sheep shaggers but come on, it's just meant to be a joke, you're not actually meant to do it."
Richie turns and looks at him without missing a stroke and shrugs his shoulders.
After a minute pondering Kevin jumps off the tractor and approaches Richie.
"Actually mate, it's been a while, do you mind if I give it a go?"
"Sure" says Richie and steps back away from the fence.
Kevin goes up and drops his pants, sticks his head through the barb wire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76we02/an_aussie_visits_a_kiwi/
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

Because it has a silent pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76wbxy/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_in_the_bathroom/
%
What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?

Doug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76w9lm/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_shovel_on_his_head/
%
If you think you've hit rock bottom, just remember that my bank...

once froze my accounts because I bought a healthy ready meal at my local supermarket, and they classed it as an "uncharacteristic purchase"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76w99r/if_you_think_youve_hit_rock_bottom_just_remember/
%
I deal with my anxiety disorder the same way I study for tests.

I don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76w87i/i_deal_with_my_anxiety_disorder_the_same_way_i/
%
A man was invited to a wedding

. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them...
1. Bride relatives
2. Groom relatives
He entered the groom door and found two doors again.
1. Ladies
2. Men
He entered men door and found two doors again.
1. People with gifts
2. People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts )... He found himself outside the hotel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76w55m/a_man_was_invited_to_a_wedding/
%
What do you call it when you put fish somewhere they didn't naturally exist?

Artificial insalmonation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76vz9l/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_put_fish_somewhere/
%
Terrorists have taken >500 hostages at the Bar Association annual conference

Unless their demands are met, they'll release one lawyer every hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76vxu1/terrorists_have_taken_500_hostages_at_the_bar/
%
My friend Ricky works at the circus.

His job is circumcising elephants.  Although he likes it, the wages are low but the tips are huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76vwb7/my_friend_ricky_works_at_the_circus/
%
Whats the difference between a ginger and a brick?

At least a brick gets laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76vw5f/whats_the_difference_between_a_ginger_and_a_brick/
%
Bible interpretation

By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage we have finally correct interpretation of Bible:
A man who lays with another man should be stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76vumm/bible_interpretation/
%
I totally understand how batteries feel.

I'm rarely included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76vrsj/i_totally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
%
What do you call an Italian with no hands?

Mute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76vo90/what_do_you_call_an_italian_with_no_hands/
%
I would say a joke about sodium

but Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76vmac/i_would_say_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
I told my dad me and my friend went to the store. He said, "my friend and I went to the store"

Poor guy is losing it, he definitely wasn't there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76vh2r/i_told_my_dad_me_and_my_friend_went_to_the_store/
%
I've found a cheap and easy way to get a penis extension.

It's called "a sexier girlfriend".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76vcol/ive_found_a_cheap_and_easy_way_to_get_a_penis/
%
My dick stretches from A to Z

On my keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76vayw/my_dick_stretches_from_a_to_z/
%
My kettle sounds like thunder and rain.

I think a storm is brewing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76vas8/my_kettle_sounds_like_thunder_and_rain/
%
What do you call a blind fascist?

A member of the "Not-see" party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76va7o/what_do_you_call_a_blind_fascist/
%
Guess who my financial advisor is going to be for halloween.

PENNY-WISE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76v95g/guess_who_my_financial_advisor_is_going_to_be_for/
%
My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76v8pg/my_roommate_told_me_my_clothes_look_gay/
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Porn stars are poorer than we think.

When is the last time you saw one able to even afford a pizza?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76v2q5/porn_stars_are_poorer_than_we_think/
%
My antisocial brother just got fired from his job at the butcher.

He just wasn't meating enough people..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76v2g8/my_antisocial_brother_just_got_fired_from_his_job/
%
Why don't revolutions work?

Because after one revolution you're back where you started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76v2cw/why_dont_revolutions_work/
%
What do you call a rich asian?

Cha Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ustt/what_do_you_call_a_rich_asian/
%
Did you hear about the haunted hair salon?

I heard a ton of people have dyed there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76un68/did_you_hear_about_the_haunted_hair_salon/
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I went on a very unpleasant date with a Jewish grammarist the other day

Now I think I'm anti-semantic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76umyq/i_went_on_a_very_unpleasant_date_with_a_jewish/
%
I once burnt down a shoe factory

I feel awful when I think of the soles lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76uj4j/i_once_burnt_down_a_shoe_factory/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76uh9q/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard, but, I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly, that he had a home and was well taken care of...

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head.
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar, “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar, “He lives in a home with non-stop chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ue8g/an_old_tiredlooking_dog_wandered_into_my_yard_but/
%
Hear about the mechanic who refuses to pay prostitutes?

He screws, nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ucnf/hear_about_the_mechanic_who_refuses_to_pay/
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What My Girlfriend Thought on the First Four Dates

1) Good shirt.
2) Nice. A second good shirt.
3) OK, the first shirt again.
4) He has two shirts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ubkp/what_my_girlfriend_thought_on_the_first_four_dates/
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Boss's Dilemma

At a small company, a manager is told that, due to downsizing, he has to lay off someone from his staff. After much agonizing, he narrows his list down to two people. Not sure who to get rid of, he talks to his boss for advice.
"On one hand, Mary is a really great worker," he says. "But on the other hand, Jack is a single father and really needs this job to support his kids."
His boss replies, "I don't know what to tell you, why don't you just go ask them?"
So, when Mary comes into work, the manager goes to talk to her and says,
"Listen, Mary, I've got a bit of a dilemma. I've got to lay you or Jack off."
And she responds, "You better jack off, I've got a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76u7ju/bosss_dilemma/
%
I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day.

I knew it would come back to haunt me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76u1dp/i_threw_a_boomerang_at_a_ghost_the_other_day/
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I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76u15w/i_got_so_fed_up_with_the_trickortreaters_last/
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What does toilet paper and the Avatar have in common?

They disappear when the world needs them most.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76tzie/what_does_toilet_paper_and_the_avatar_have_in/
%
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever, but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76tx8p/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
%
My friend died when he couldn't remember his blood type

He kept saying "be positive", but it's hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76tvou/my_friend_died_when_he_couldnt_remember_his_blood/
%
I knew a girl in college who would sleep with guys for free Adderall.

She was a real attention whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76tuy9/i_knew_a_girl_in_college_who_would_sleep_with/
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Three Poles are talking about what's the drunkest they've ever been in their lives

The first one says, *"You might not believe me, but I got so drunk once that I woke up in an alleyway 3 blocks away from my home!"*
The second one says, *"Hah! That's nothing! I got so drunk once that I woke up in a different town altogether!"*
*"You guys are a bunch of pussies"*, says the third one. *"I threw the biggest party in Poland back in '39 and got so drunk I woke up in East Germany!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ttlk/three_poles_are_talking_about_whats_the_drunkest/
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People think mathematicians aren't very sociable

But I think they're pretty good at integrating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76tmik/people_think_mathematicians_arent_very_sociable/
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What do you call arguing vegans?

Grass-fed beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76tm2m/what_do_you_call_arguing_vegans/
%
What's the difference between r/jokes and a classroom?

Copying isn't allowed in a classroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76tgd6/whats_the_difference_between_rjokes_and_a/
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Einstein and his driver

Einstein is on his way to yet another science conference, where he will be speaking and answering questions. On the way there, he tells his driver: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees. "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, takes his seat in the audience.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, waiting for "Einstein's" response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so boneheaded and simple that I'm going to let my driver answer it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76teom/einstein_and_his_driver/
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Mary Rose sat on a pin

Mary rose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76te4k/mary_rose_sat_on_a_pin/
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What's the difference between oral and anal?

One makes your whole night and the other makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ta4b/whats_the_difference_between_oral_and_anal/
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TIL never deposit your marijuana in a bank account...

Unless its a Joint Account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76t72q/til_never_deposit_your_marijuana_in_a_bank_account/
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I especially despise sausages...

But German ones are the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76t69u/i_especially_despise_sausages/
%
What do eating pussy and smoking cigarettes have in common?

The flavor gets stronger as you get closer to the butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76t1ao/what_do_eating_pussy_and_smoking_cigarettes_have/
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Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"

so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.
"Well," says Jack, "the fact of the matter is, my sister's been going through a lot of stress just lately. Her husband has taken to drinking and gambling in a big way, and he goes out every Thursday night to play poker, and usually he loses 'cos he's a lot dumber than he thinks he is, and he comes home drunk, broke, and in a vile temper. Every time he gets in the door when he's in that state, he knocks her about, and then he goes off the next morning acting like nothing happened."
"That's horrible," says the boss, "but I don't see where this makes you unable to work on Fridays."
"Oh well," says Jack, "I go round to see her on Friday morning to see she's all right, and I guess I don't mind telling you, we've worked out that the best way to make her feel better is for me to spend half the day making love to her."
"What?!" exclaims the boss. "You've been having sex with your *sister*?"
"Hey," Jack shrugs, "I told you I was sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76sz53/jack_rings_the_boss_one_friday_and_says_i_cant/
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To Be Fair

I finally got my first real job last month working for the Arizona tea company. I thought I was a perfect fit; although I was a lawyer working for a drinks company, they had an extensive legal department to handle any potential controversies with any of their sold items.
My first case involved defending the company against a young mentally-disabled man by the name of Rick who had worked on the assembly line and was recently fired for failing to do any work. Rick had loaded the shipment trucks with the company for two years before being promoted to the position of head canner. “However, Your Honor” I said "he simply wouldn’t do his job in making sure the drinks were put into their metal cans and ready to be sealed. He had no issue with dealing with peach, grape, or mango flavored drinks, but he was at a complete loss when it came to the classics in dealing with Arnold Palmers and our other tea brands. Because he could not manage for well over half of our products, we simply had to fire him. I hope you can see that because he could not perform in the workplace, we had no choice but to fire him to improve our own efficiency.”
It was looking like an open and shut case; it was not a case of our failing to consider his mental deficiencies because it was so simple a task, and he was not able to follow the order, which was by no means complex. The judge saw our point of view. “Now, if you, the prosecution” He said, addressing the young disabled man and his lawyer “have any other reason or evidence why you may think this command be unreasonable, please advise me. But to me, this seems like a rather simple case.” “But sir, they did not understand the complexity of his mental disability in his firing!” His lawyer argued. The judge retorted “But, again, how could he fail to perform and understand an instruction so simple?” “Well sir, that seems to be where we disagree.” his lawyer piped up “To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand “Rick, can more tea!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76syr1/to_be_fair/
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Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise?

The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76syk5/did_you_hear_about_the_overweight_man_who_took_up/
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My homosexual friend recently started using Grindr

He is so excited about it, he can hardly sit down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76sxya/my_homosexual_friend_recently_started_using_grindr/
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What do you call a gay Asian guy?

A Caucasian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76swit/what_do_you_call_a_gay_asian_guy/
%
Hurricane Ophelia just blew the roof off my cheese factory.

There’s de Brie everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76sr2q/hurricane_ophelia_just_blew_the_roof_off_my/
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There was once a kingdom, a long, long time ago. where a dragon would eat the virgins of the land.

Then one wonderful day, a hero came to the kingdom. The leader told the hero of their predicament. He told him that every day, the dragon would take a few virgins to his cave to eat. The hero said that he will save the kingdom, and take care of the dragon.
After two weeks, the dragon starved to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76sqj9/there_was_once_a_kingdom_a_long_long_time_ago/
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What's the similarity between a table saw and toilet paper?

One wrong move and your finger is fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76soqb/whats_the_similarity_between_a_table_saw_and/
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I had to break up with my Seismologist girlfriend.

She kept pointing out all my faults.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76sm8r/i_had_to_break_up_with_my_seismologist_girlfriend/
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What kind of music do mercury, arsenic and lead listen to?

Heavy metal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76sm6z/what_kind_of_music_do_mercury_arsenic_and_lead/
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A magician lost a leg during his performance.

The audience was suprised he could pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76sld2/a_magician_lost_a_leg_during_his_performance/
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Why are there so many life guards at synchronised swimming events?

Well, if one of them drowns, they all have to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76sl68/why_are_there_so_many_life_guards_at_synchronised/
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Would you like some headphones?

Why yes! But how did you know my name was Phones?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76sl5i/would_you_like_some_headphones/
%
Abe and Esther go on an anniversary.

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "Don't worry, they’ll find us!"
Credit goes to u/Alley1, from whom I ~~stole~~ borrowed this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76siog/abe_and_esther_go_on_an_anniversary/
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What do you call a duck addicted to drugs

A Quack-head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76sih8/what_do_you_call_a_duck_addicted_to_drugs/
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What do you call the slang of Fairy World?

Jorgen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76sgr5/what_do_you_call_the_slang_of_fairy_world/
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What do you call a potato orbiting Earth?

Spudnik.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76sgqo/what_do_you_call_a_potato_orbiting_earth/
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What did Helen Keller get for Christmas?

Polio, she had everything else!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76sds6/what_did_helen_keller_get_for_christmas/
%
It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild.
To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.
A few days later, as a practical afterthought, he called the National Weather Service and asked whether they were forecasting a cold winter. The meteorologist replied that, indeed, he thought the winter would be quite cold. The chief advised the tribe to stock even more wood.
A couple of weeks later, the chief checked in again with the Weather Service. “Does it still look like a cold winter?” asked the chief.
“It sure does,” replied the meteorologist. “It looks like a very cold winter.”The chief advised the tribe to gather up every scrap of wood they could find.
A couple of weeks later, the chief called the Weather Service again and asked how the winter was looking at that point. The meteorologist said,“We’re now forecasting that it will be one of the coldest winters on record!”
“Really?” said the chief. “How can you be so sure?”
The meteorologist replied,“The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76sa20/it_was_autumn_and_the_indians_on_the_reservation/
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An older man could never get his wife to orgasm!

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
“Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.”
They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn’t help, and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. “Okay,” says the rabbi to the husband,“let’s try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.” Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice.
The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel.The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, “Schmuck, that’s the way you wave a towel!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76s8t3/an_older_man_could_never_get_his_wife_to_orgasm/
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If you really want to read something touching.

Read it in Braille.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76s42j/if_you_really_want_to_read_something_touching/
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Two men are making breakfast.

As one is buttering the toast, he says, “Did you ever notice that if you drop a piece of toast, it always lands butter side down?”
The second guy says, “No, I bet it just seems that way because it’s so unpleasant to clean up the mess when it lands butter side down. I bet it lands butter side up just as often.”
The first guy says, “Oh, yeah? Watch this.” He drops the toast to the floor, where it lands butter side up.
The second guy says, “See, I told you.”
The first guy says, “Oh, I see what happened. I buttered the wrong side!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76s3sc/two_men_are_making_breakfast/
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How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One or two? One or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76s1l0/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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So I was at a film awards event the other night... [nsfw]

I was at a film awards event the other night. I went to the toilet and an actress came out a cubicle with a white mark on her dress. I said to her "Oh did you spill some mayo?" and she replied "No its a Harvey Weinstain"😉

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ry9b/so_i_was_at_a_film_awards_event_the_other_night/
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A nude lady enters the costume party behind the turtle

She has nothing but a monkey covering her pubic area.
The host takes one puzzled look.
"Alright, I give up. Judging by what I asked the turtle, I may regret asking this, but what are you supposed to be?"
"I'm an Italian boy!"
"What's with the monkey?"
"That'sa not a monkey! That's a macaque!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76rl4l/a_nude_lady_enters_the_costume_party_behind_the/
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Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.

He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ribn/yesterday_my_brother_uploaded_a_status_on_facebook/
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Why don't we send donkeys to school?

No one likes a smart ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76rh8v/why_dont_we_send_donkeys_to_school/
%
What do you call a Mormon climber?

A Ladder Day Saint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76rgk1/what_do_you_call_a_mormon_climber/
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Two atoms are in a bar.

One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other asks, 'Are you sure?' To which the first replies, 'I'm positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76reel/two_atoms_are_in_a_bar/
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The Priest who couldn't swear!

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the 1st hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, “Hoover!” under his breath.
On the 2nd hole, Father Murphy’s ball went straight into a water hazard. “Hoover!” again, a little louder this time.
On the 3rd hole, a miracle occurred, and Father Murphy’s drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! “Praise be to God!”
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. “Hoover!”
By this time, his opponent couldn’t withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said, “Hoover.”
“It’s the biggest dam I know.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76r89b/the_priest_who_couldnt_swear/
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There were two fish in a tank

One says to the other, “How do you drive this thing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76r7nh/there_were_two_fish_in_a_tank/
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The Panda and the Prostitute.

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'
The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76r5jp/the_panda_and_the_prostitute/
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A German man walks into a bar...

mitzvah and arrests every body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76r42u/a_german_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Giving more than 100%

What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =  96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =  100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =  103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7  = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge  will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76r2ly/giving_more_than_100/
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What cologne do SpaceX employees wear?

Musk by Elon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76r214/what_cologne_do_spacex_employees_wear/
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What did the Roman say when a cannibal ate his ex-wife?

Glad he ate her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76qx15/what_did_the_roman_say_when_a_cannibal_ate_his/
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I'm less worried about my fear of elevators.

I've been taking steps to avoid it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76qse6/im_less_worried_about_my_fear_of_elevators/
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A couple goes into an art gallery.

They find a picture of a naked man with only his privates covered with leaves. The husband doesn’t like it and moves on but the wife keeps looking.
The husband asks: “what are you waiting for?”
The wife replies: “Fall.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76qs8x/a_couple_goes_into_an_art_gallery/
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Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.

Radish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76qqhj/name_a_vegetable_thats_kind_of_cool/
%
What's the most difficult thing for a woman with a colostomy?

Finding shoes to match her bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ql8t/whats_the_most_difficult_thing_for_a_woman_with_a/
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A passer by sees a man holding a sign saying “punch me for free”

Much to the passers surprise he went up and asked the man if there was any takers and the man replied “take a look there is no punch line”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76qij6/a_passer_by_sees_a_man_holding_a_sign_saying/
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A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral.

"No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied.
By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?"
"I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76qhyn/a_college_student_could_not_take_his_seminar/
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What does a southern belle playing Magic the Gathering say when her opponent disrupts her mana production?

My lands!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76qewm/what_does_a_southern_belle_playing_magic_the/
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There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick

Rain asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Rain’?”
“Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?”
“Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Brick asked his mom, “NYANYANYANYA”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76q8b7/there_was_a_lady_with_3_sons_named_rain_snow_and/
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What's the difference between a good joke and

A bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76q7ye/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
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Do you want to party with ISIS?

I'm sure it'll be a blast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76q6jm/do_you_want_to_party_with_isis/
%
There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knights and thirty squires with many horses and wagons laden with food and wine. The second being well-off sent ten knights and twenty squires as well as several wagons of food and drink. The last kingdom had only one knight who was very aged and rather decrepit and had but the one squire. They brought with them a single iron pot and a horse with food enough for the journey. The first evening much revelry was had- wine was shared and spilled in equal measure great haunches of meat were roasted and cut and all are well. The old knight counseled that there were rats on the island and food should be moved off the ground to avoid them spreading plague. The Knights and squires of the first and second kingdoms disregarded his advice saying "Pfah! What does he know? We are so many no rats would dare bother us!" But the squire of the third kingdom listened attentively to his old knight and hauled their old iron pot on a rope over a branch preventing the rats from finding it. In the morning all the warriors of the first two kingdoms were ill finding rat droppings in their food and sleeping-things and several of them could barely even stand, let alone fight. That night the partying was subdued but still jubilant. Old grudges were settled by the fireside tales of heroism told and retold and many casks of wine were emptied and tossed aside. Again the old knight counseled the gathered warriors. He warned them that bandits had long preyed on dwellers of this island, making off with any valuables they could. "Pfah! What does the old man know?" They cried well into their cups. "Surely no bandit would trouble such an assembled group of warriors!" But the lone squire from the third kingdom listened intently to his wise old master and hung a noose beside their pot dangling from the tree so that bandits might see the penalty for troubling them and be warned away. The day of the tournament came and the Knights and squires of the first and second kingdoms emerged from their tents to find their fine armour and weapons stolen in the night by bandits. Amazed they hunted around but even their horses were gone. The Knights could not fight at all and only a very few of their squires could craft cudgels with which to do battle. But the crafty squire of the third kingdom had warned bandits away and his battered old pot helm and coat of plates and his dented old sword were safe in his tent. He took to the field under the gaze of his master and although the other squires allied against him, he defeated those who were well and well-armoured enough to fight him. And thus we learned that the squire of the high pot and noose was equal to the sum of squires on the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76q53t/there_was_once_a_land_far_away_and_many_years_ago/
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Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences
The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.
The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.
The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms.
The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.
The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, “One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down.” He paused.
The retired fireman asked, “So, how was that exciting?”
The undertaker answered, “Well, you see, I was in the wrong room.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76q1w2/three_old_timers_were_relating_their_most/
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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.

Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him
in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got
tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.  The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch. Easter morning finally came.  A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
husband: "Guess who?"
wife: "I know who it is!"
husband: "Guess what I want?"
wife: "I know what you want!"
husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76q1vq/as_an_ultimate_test_of_his_will_power_a_man/
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Anal invitation

"Let's go to your place." Said a fat girl.
"I would love to, but i don't have any lubricant"
"I don't think it's necessary, i'm not that tight" says the girl while smiling.
"Maybe you're not, but my door is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76q1su/anal_invitation/
%
I slept like a baby last night.

Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76q1kt/i_slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
%
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me today...

...luckily my injuries where only super fish oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76pzbu/someone_threw_a_bottle_of_omega_3_capsules_at_me/
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Aye Aye Captain

*Sex in the Navy !*
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!" "Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday." "Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76pysb/aye_aye_captain/
%
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man and then they asked him to count to ten.

The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."
Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten.
The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."
The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.
The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I am the best counting President God has ever created. We count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76py7o/scientists_removed_the_right_half_brain_of_a_man/
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Have you heard of the rapper showing off cryptocurrency?

He calls himself blockchainz.
PS. Please be forviging. Haha!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76pwqs/have_you_heard_of_the_rapper_showing_off/
%
A bride tells her husband

"Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76pva0/a_bride_tells_her_husband/
%
I tried phone sex once

Ended up getting hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ptrn/i_tried_phone_sex_once/
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My Wife Offers a Deal

In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said,”I’ll make you a deal… you go outside and cut the hedges, and I’ll shave my pussy.”
I replied, “Don’t be stupid. We can’t both use the hedge trimmer at once.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76pqqn/my_wife_offers_a_deal/
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On the plane

A businessman travels on the plane, first class. He tries to start a conversation with beautiful stewardess:
-What’s your name?
-Angela Benz, sir.
-That is a beautiful name! Is there any connection with Mercedes Benz?
-Yes, sir. A very close one.
-How close?
-Same price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76pkdk/on_the_plane/
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I bought a mayfly's autobiography.

Chapter 1: The end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76pj2w/i_bought_a_mayflys_autobiography/
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I was once addicted to commitment issues.

I quit before it got serious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76piqh/i_was_once_addicted_to_commitment_issues/
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Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76pip8/do_you_remember_when_you_were_a_kid_and_whenever/
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Two whales

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it."
"Okay," says the other whale.
They proceed to do so and swim back down, laughing all the while. Then the first whale then says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat them?''
The other whale then replies ''No thanks. I'm all for the occasional blow job but I never swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76pgu7/two_whales/
%
What are the first three numbers of an opera singer's phone number?

aria code

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76pezp/what_are_the_first_three_numbers_of_an_opera/
%
What's the difference between fairies and angels

For some reason one is taken serious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76pcc3/whats_the_difference_between_fairies_and_angels/
%
A young woman married and had 13 children.

Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed to the Lord above thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his final eulogy he noted "Thank you Lord they're finally together." Leaning over to his neighbour one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first second or third husband?" The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76p785/a_young_woman_married_and_had_13_children/
%
What's the difference between an Al Qaeda base and a Pakistani School?

I have no fucking clue,  I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76p5rf/whats_the_difference_between_an_al_qaeda_base_and/
%
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing, but it let out a little whine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76p5f9/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_got_stepped_on/
%
We’re not going to learn about puberty.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76p4hw/were_not_going_to_learn_about_puberty/
%
Two whales are swimming

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76p0c5/two_whales_are_swimming/
%
What's a checkmate?

Husband : You know today, I saw someone just like you?
Wife : Was she hot?
You can't say yes
You can't say no
That's checkmate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76owxd/whats_a_checkmate/
%
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.

Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them."
The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ovhh/an_elderly_couple_was_just_settled_down_for_bed/
%
I'm gonna go cry in front of a mirror.

I'll see myself pout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76osxx/im_gonna_go_cry_in_front_of_a_mirror/
%
What did Ryu say to Ken when he asked if he could borrow his car?

Shoryuken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ordu/what_did_ryu_say_to_ken_when_he_asked_if_he_could/
%
70% of men whack off in the shower. The rest of them sing. You know what they sing?

...No, I didn't think you did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76oqdo/70_of_men_whack_off_in_the_shower_the_rest_of/
%
Have you ever had sex whilst camping?

It's fucking in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76opzj/have_you_ever_had_sex_whilst_camping/
%
Raising children is hard as a trans parent

They see right through me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76oiay/raising_children_is_hard_as_a_trans_parent/
%
A girl goes to her guy friend and asks..

"Why do guys' ears perk up whenever we girl are around talking with each other?"
The boy replies, a bit confused, "Wait, girls call it ear?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76of5o/a_girl_goes_to_her_guy_friend_and_asks/
%
Doc: Do you want the good news first or the bad news?

Patient: uhm... The good news doc, please.
Doc: You only have 24 hours to live. I'm so sorry.
Patient: WTF? This is the good news? What could be fucking worse than this!?
Doc: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ocyq/doc_do_you_want_the_good_news_first_or_the_bad/
%
Joe, Bill, and Steve are shipwrecked on an obscure island populated by cannibals.

The cannibals tell the three that they have their own unique court system to determine whether they will eat the three unfortunate men. Each would choose a fruit, then that fruit would be inserted in their hind end. If at any point during the ordeal they showed any emotions they would be eaten. If they could maintain a serious demeanor and stay completely stoic they would be fed and given passage to a nearby missionary cabin.
Joe is up first. He chooses a grape. But as they begin to insert the grape he lets out a wince and a sigh and is immediately murdered. His soul goes to limbo, where he waits to see if his friends join him. A short time later Bill's soul also arrived in limbo. Joe asks what fruit he chose and how bad it was. Bill says "I only picked a blueberry, and they inserted it and I was completely stoic. I was about to be set free when I started laughing uncontrollably and they killed me."
"What could possibly be so funny?" asked Joe.
Bill replied , "I saw Steve choose a watermelon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76obrd/joe_bill_and_steve_are_shipwrecked_on_an_obscure/
%
Two antennas got married. Wedding ceremony was a disaster.

But reception was really good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ob1i/two_antennas_got_married_wedding_ceremony_was_a/
%
OJ got out of jail recently and it sickens me. But I can't even imagine how he feels...

The man that killed his wife is running free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76oay0/oj_got_out_of_jail_recently_and_it_sickens_me_but/
%
man's logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76oah1/mans_logic/
%
Me: My dick's name is life. Life is hard.

Girlfriend: Life is also short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76oacp/me_my_dicks_name_is_life_life_is_hard/
%
whats black and don't work in the morning

Decaf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76o7dj/whats_black_and_dont_work_in_the_morning/
%
An older gentleman goes with his wife to the doctor.

The doctor asks to see the man alone in the hallway.
Once they're alone the doctor says to the man, "There's been a mix-up in your wife's test results. It might take a few days to a week to clear up. What we do know, though, is that she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
The man cries out, "This is terrible! What should I do?"
"Well.", replied the doctor, "If I were you, I'd take her and drop her off on the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76o318/an_older_gentleman_goes_with_his_wife_to_the/
%
Why did Jim buy his friend a space heater?

It was a housewarming gift!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76o0rk/why_did_jim_buy_his_friend_a_space_heater/
%
A Blonde hear a "thud" on the ground

Too her surprise, it was a wallet. She decided to do the right thing and turn it in to the police.
After arriving at the police station, the Blonde says,'I'm here to turn in someone's lost wallet.' The officer thanked the Blonde for her deeds and the Blonde returns to her home.
The next day, a package arrived in the mailbox with a wallet inside. The Blonde responds with, ' Thank god someone found my wallet, I must've dropped it while walking yesterday.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76nzvy/a_blonde_hear_a_thud_on_the_ground/
%
If you have any puns about bowling

Spare me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ntld/if_you_have_any_puns_about_bowling/
%
Why did the chemist's girlfriend get mad at him?

He kept responding to her texts with "Potassium."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76nlf6/why_did_the_chemists_girlfriend_get_mad_at_him/
%
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve!
One to screw it in
One to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination
One to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination
One to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like"
One to deconstruct the light bulb itself as being phallic
One to blame men for not changing the bulb
One to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it
One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs
One to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs
One to advocate that light bulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,
One to alert the media that women are now "out light-bulbing" men
And one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76njaz/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been called racist

Some fucking black guy would mug me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76nhyj/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_ive_been_called/
%
Two atheists are out hiking in the woods,

and they come upon some hungry bears.  The pack of bears start chasing them, and corner them near a cliff.  One of the atheists calls out, "Jesus, please help us."  Jesus appears, pauses time, and asks whether the two atheists are willing to be proper Christians and follow all the commandments.  The atheists think about it, but don't really want to ... one winks to his friend, and asks if instead Jesus can make the bears be Christians.  Jesus answers in the affirmative and allows time to resume.  The bears then bow their heads, and say "Bless us Oh Lord, and these Thy gifts which we are about to receive from Thy bounty ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ngo4/two_atheists_are_out_hiking_in_the_woods/
%
What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's diameter by it's circumference?

Pumpkin Pi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ndml/what_do_you_get_when_you_divide_a_pumpkins/
%
Had a joke about a broken compass.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76n6ye/had_a_joke_about_a_broken_compass/
%
Chuck Norris once made a visit to the Virgin Islands.

Now they're just called "The Islands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76n67m/chuck_norris_once_made_a_visit_to_the_virgin/
%
Three buzzfeed writers walk into a bar

You won't believe what happens next!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76n5gp/three_buzzfeed_writers_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Chuck Norris and Superman arm wrestled...

Loser had to wear his underwear over his pants till the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76mzte/chuck_norris_and_superman_arm_wrestled/
%
Breeding rabbits...

is a hare raising experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76mxpl/breeding_rabbits/
%
Black and Mexican jokes are all the same

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76mpv3/black_and_mexican_jokes_are_all_the_same/
%
A research shows that 96.86% of people in the sea are sailors.

The rest are  πrates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76mpmt/a_research_shows_that_9686_of_people_in_the_sea/
%
What do you call an uprising of people who can't talk?

A mute-iny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76mm8g/what_do_you_call_an_uprising_of_people_who_cant/
%
What do Trump and a Jack-o-Lantern have in common?

Both are hollow, orange, and need to be thrown out by early November.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ml8f/what_do_trump_and_a_jackolantern_have_in_common/
%
Jesus rose on the third day for Chick-Fil-A

But they were closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76mjqz/jesus_rose_on_the_third_day_for_chickfila/
%
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
_"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."_
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, _"Sure. I have this,"_ and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, _"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."_
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. _"I mean, what in the world is this?"_
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
_"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76mi3u/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank_and_approaches_the_teller/
%
All of my coworkers seem to have large blisters on their skin.

I think it's a staff infection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76mcu6/all_of_my_coworkers_seem_to_have_large_blisters/
%
What do you call a blonde with brains?

A golden retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76mc1l/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_brains/
%
National Pride Day should be September 21

September 22 is the first day of Autumn, and as everyone knows, Pride goes before a Fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76lyy8/national_pride_day_should_be_september_21/
%
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day.

The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian.
They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.
Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time."
As he said this, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!"
And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark.
Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend.
As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached.
It took a while, but eventually Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more.
With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home.
As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."
Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner."
Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed...
I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76lqz9/two_prawns_were_swimming_around_in_the_sea_one_day/
%
Statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 men prefer women with large boobs

The remaining one prefers the other 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76loxh/statistically_speaking_9_out_of_10_men_prefer/
%
What extremist group do middle aged people join?

Mid-life ISIS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76lnp4/what_extremist_group_do_middle_aged_people_join/
%
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That’s offensive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ll4k/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What's better than Roses on your Piano?

Tulips on your Organ!
This one is courtesy of my girlfriend, who is a classically trained pianist and organist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76liam/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
Which do you prefer, sex or chess?

Depends on the position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76lhib/which_do_you_prefer_sex_or_chess/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter what you call it, it’s not gonna come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76lh5p/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Burger King: Have It Your Way!

Burger Dictatorship: Have it My Way!
Burger Communism: Have it Everyone's Way!
Burger Capitalism: Have it Your Way For a Steep Price Hike!
Burger Oligarchy: 1% Have it Their Way!
Burger Democracy: Have Something Your Way!
Burger Anarchy: Don't Have It!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76lf1b/burger_king_have_it_your_way/
%
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dabi?

The people in Dubai don’t watch The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dabi Doooooo!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76lbyp/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dabi/
%
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida

..and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76lbgv/a_young_guy_from_nebraska_moves_to_florida/
%
If a child resists to take a nap

is he resisting a rest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76l9h7/if_a_child_resists_to_take_a_nap/
%
What's the police's favorite gaming console?

WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76l6xz/whats_the_polices_favorite_gaming_console/
%
A rather old one.

Two NFL coaches were looking a rosters when one of them came across an unusual name.
"Quasimodo?  Why does that name ring a bell?"
His friend said, "He was at Notre Dame... a halfback."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76kz7p/a_rather_old_one/
%
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Yo, why the fuck do you want to know, Asshole?  Mind your own goddamn business, OK, fucko!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76kxmg/how_many_new_yorkers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
My wife thinks that I can sleep with any woman I look at

I told her just because she is that easy doesn't mean other women are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76kuvg/my_wife_thinks_that_i_can_sleep_with_any_woman_i/
%
Everybody is saying Harvey Weinstein is the worst person in history, but I think they're forgetting that Hitler is the worst person in history

I mean if he finished what he started, we wouldn't have to deal with Weinstein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76krs5/everybody_is_saying_harvey_weinstein_is_the_worst/
%
Why can't programmers maintain good relationships?

They have a lot of arguments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76kpqv/why_cant_programmers_maintain_good_relationships/
%
I always wanted to be a pilot

Until I saw my first porno. Since then I can't decide if I want to be a plumber, electrician or the cable repair guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76kpbe/i_always_wanted_to_be_a_pilot/
%
who do monsters buy their cookies from?

the ghoul scouts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ko2y/who_do_monsters_buy_their_cookies_from/
%
I'm going to combine my love for political activism with my love of archery

so that I can stick it to the man from a distance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76kmqi/im_going_to_combine_my_love_for_political/
%
Two hot dogs walk into a bar, what does the bar tender say?

Sorry we don't serve food here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76kgyg/two_hot_dogs_walk_into_a_bar_what_does_the_bar/
%
A giant panda walks into a restaurant...

He orders some food, which is promptly brought to him by the waiter. The panda finishes his meal, gets up from the table, and pulls out a gun. He shoots the waiter and without saying a word, exits the restaurant.
The waiter, still bleeding, runs after the panda. He catches up with the panda and asks,
“Why the hell did you just shoot me? What did I do wrong?”
The panda replies, “Haven’t you ever read anything about pandas? It even says on Wikipedia, ‘A giant panda eats shoots and leaves’.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76kg4o/a_giant_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
Did you hear the joke about the communists penis?

It was fairly commie-dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76kfpi/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_communists_penis/
%
A man walks into the confessional...

He says, "Father, I've been happily married for 30 years, but last night I met two 20 year-old co-eds, and they took me to their place where we had a wild night."
"I see," said the priest.  "How long has it been since your last confession?"
"Never," said the man.
"Never?!" asked the priest.  "How can you be a good Catholic, and you've never been to confession??"
"I'm not Catholic, father.  I'm Presbyterian," he responded.
Shocked, the priest exclaimed, "You're Presbyterian?? What are you doing telling me about this?!"
The man replied, "Hell, I'm telling everybody in town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76kfjb/a_man_walks_into_the_confessional/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76kc3o/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
Parents: "You need to stop watching TV, and read more!"

Me: * turns on subtitles *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76k9ds/parents_you_need_to_stop_watching_tv_and_read_more/
%
What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Charles?

Killed in a car crash...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76k7ll/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_the_queen_and_prince/
%
Just ended a 4 year relationship

I'm okay, it wasn't my relationship...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76k10l/just_ended_a_4_year_relationship/
%
How many North Koreans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.
One guy to screw it in, the other guy to shoot him for not doing it right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jzz3/how_many_north_koreans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
"Orion's belt is a terrible waist of space".

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jxnj/orions_belt_is_a_terrible_waist_of_space/
%
What do you call a concession stand operated by Isis?

Allahu Snackbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ju2s/what_do_you_call_a_concession_stand_operated_by/
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A man is pulled over by a cop...

The cop approaches the car and says, "Sir, step out of the vehicle. You are under arrest. Not only were you speeding well above the limit, but you were driving straight down the middle of the road!"
The man protests, "But officer, I'm allowed to do that! It says so on my driver's license!"
The cop doesn't believe the man, and demands to see where it says that he's allowed to drive so recklessly. The man pulls out his license, which is a temporary license printed on paper, and points to the bottom.
"See? It says right here: tear down the dotted line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jsac/a_man_is_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
%
How do you steal water from the sink?

You mug it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jqgd/how_do_you_steal_water_from_the_sink/
%
I'm a kleptomaniac

Sometimes it gets really bad and I have to take something for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jpgd/im_a_kleptomaniac/
%
A man walks into a sandwich shop

He asks for a BLT on rye, pays for it and leaves. The next week he does the same and the week after that as well. Years go by and the man still comes for his weekly sandwich and is now a recognized face at the restaurant and is a friend of the owner.
One day the owner asks him, "Why don't you ever get a different sandwich?"
The man replies, "I like what I like but if you want, you can make me a different sandwich next week"
So the next week comes and the man walks into the restaurant anticipating the new sandwich. The owner sees him and gives him the new sandwich. The man takes a bite, chews it, and swallows.
He turns to the owner, a confused look on his face, "There's nothing new on this sub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jnmm/a_man_walks_into_a_sandwich_shop/
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Carl drives a stick

**Andy:** Carl, why was the clutch in my car broken after i lent it to you?
**Carl:** Well don't you look at me, i didn't even touch the thing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jni5/carl_drives_a_stick/
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Today we celebrate international twins day.

Because twins are people two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jlew/today_we_celebrate_international_twins_day/
%
What's the difference between a Board and a Plank?

Boards can change, but Plank's constant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jkmr/whats_the_difference_between_a_board_and_a_plank/
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Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.
But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jj0i/two_old_men_abe_and_sol_sit_on_a_park_bench/
%
I hate christmas

Whoever invented it should be crucified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jixb/i_hate_christmas/
%
Why I don’t play golf with Patrick anymore.

My wife asked me why I don’t play golf with Patrick anymore.
So I asked her, “Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt, and generally offends everyone around him on the course?”
“Certainly not, dear,” she replied.
“Well, neither would he.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jhp1/why_i_dont_play_golf_with_patrick_anymore/
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Car breaks down in front of an insane asylum... [Long]

So a guy’s car breaks down in front of an insane asylum in the dead of the night in the pouring rain. The guy gets out of the car and sees he has a flat tire on his front drivers side. He goes to his trunk to grab the spare, the jack, and his wrench.
As he takes the lug nuts off, he places them in the rim so he doesn’t lose them.
Well from around the bend in the road, a car comes flying by and the man knocks over his rim trying to avoid the car. The lug nuts go flying and to no avail he cannot find the them.
He cusses and he hollers and in his rage he sees one of the inmates standing by the fence in the front yard.
The inmate calls him over and says, “Hey bud I know how to fix this. Just take one lug nut off of each tire, and put it on the spare. That way it’ll stay tight enough for a little while to get you where you’re going.”
The man thinks and says, “Wow. Hey you’re right! Say, why are you in here anyway?”
The inmate says, “Well I may be crazy but I’m not stupid.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jh9s/car_breaks_down_in_front_of_an_insane_asylum_long/
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A recent study found that cats are highly entertained by theoretical physics!

*Especially* string theory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jgoh/a_recent_study_found_that_cats_are_highly/
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What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?

"Be home in 20 minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jfer/what_does_bill_clinton_say_to_hillary_after_sex/
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Why couldn't the Teddy Bear eat?

Because it was stuffed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76jd4u/why_couldnt_the_teddy_bear_eat/
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Knock, knock, knock knock, knock knock knock. Whose there?

Fibonacci

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76j8t5/knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_whose/
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“Get me a beer before it starts.”

A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”
The wife is furious. She yells at him, “You’ve been out golfing all day! Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore...”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76j70e/get_me_a_beer_before_it_starts/
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Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
...Next Day...
(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.
Mom:...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76j6j8/boy_ill_pay_you_10_bucks_to_climb_up_the_flagpole/
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Man goes to a library...

... and asks the librarian "Do you have the new book on people with small penises?". Librarian asks him to go search the aisles, he comes back and asks her to check the computer. She checks "I don't think it's in yet". Man in excitement, "yeah, that's the one!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76j312/man_goes_to_a_library/
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How do you briefly describe an acorn?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76j299/how_do_you_briefly_describe_an_acorn/
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Two wrongs don't make a right.

But three reichs definitely make a wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76j298/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
%
A Blonde is pulled over for speeding

The cop taps on the window and asks for her licence,
"Sorry sir i left it in my gym shorts"
Telling her to wait he walks back to his cruiser and radios in,
"It wouldn't happen to be a blonde driving a red mustang would it?" They radioed back
"Yeah it is actually, why do you ask?"
"this is the fifth time today she's been pulled over, go back to her window and drop your pants, Trust me"
So the officer scratching his head walks to the window and drops his trousers.
"Oh crap not another Breath test!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ix2s/a_blonde_is_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
I asked two guys wearing matching outfits if they were gay.

They quickly arrested me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76isid/i_asked_two_guys_wearing_matching_outfits_if_they/
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Scientists found a way to walk though walls

They called it "doors"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76isa3/scientists_found_a_way_to_walk_though_walls/
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Want to hear a word I just made?

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76iq80/want_to_hear_a_word_i_just_made/
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What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76iq7t/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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A man goes to a zoo and is disappointed to find it has only one animal, a dog

It's a Shih Tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76iq2r/a_man_goes_to_a_zoo_and_is_disappointed_to_find/
%
What is a slap in the face?

First hand information!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ipff/what_is_a_slap_in_the_face/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping?

It's alright, he's awake now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ip5l/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping/
%
How many Feminists does it take to build a bridge?

None, because their arguments and ideas aren't factually supported.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76iog3/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_build_a_bridge/
%
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

Only 2, it's just really difficult getting them in the lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76insb/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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What do you call a joke with no punchline on reddit?

Clickbait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ik6p/what_do_you_call_a_joke_with_no_punchline_on/
%
I got kicked out of the library

All I did was put the women's rights book in the fiction section...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76iiv7/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_library/
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That's a nice ham you've got there...

it would be a shame if someone put an 's' infront of it and an 'e' behind it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76iijy/thats_a_nice_ham_youve_got_there/
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Why is it that people with feet fetish never win?

Because they like the taste of defeat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ii8t/why_is_it_that_people_with_feet_fetish_never_win/
%
Waiter, this coffee smells like unwashed penis!

Try using the other hand, ma'am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76iej6/waiter_this_coffee_smells_like_unwashed_penis/
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My buddy didn't let me on his boat because I'm too muscular.

I thought it was a strong friendship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ie9p/my_buddy_didnt_let_me_on_his_boat_because_im_too/
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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ic74/how_do_you_turn_a_fox_into_an_elephant/
%
A blonde is rowing a boat through a wheat field.

A blonde cop sees her and stops.  She asks what the blonde is doing?
The blonde in the boat responds by saying she is trying to get to the other side.
The blonde cop tells her that it's blondes like her that give them a bad name and if she could swim she would go over there and kick her ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76i8h2/a_blonde_is_rowing_a_boat_through_a_wheat_field/
%
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.

“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76i7gm/while_he_was_visiting_my_father_asked_for_the/
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I said to my husband that we should start a new tradition of daytime Saturday sex.

I told him we should really try to fit it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76i4p4/i_said_to_my_husband_that_we_should_start_a_new/
%
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home...

...While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" She replies, "It's pretty nice -- except they won't let you fart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76i2xp/a_family_brings_their_elderly_mother_to_a_nursing/
%
A friend of mine said he was going to Mount Isa...

...I said he should get to know her as a friend, first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76i195/a_friend_of_mine_said_he_was_going_to_mount_isa/
%
I fucked a naked, pregnant midget.

I always do the bare minimum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76i01i/i_fucked_a_naked_pregnant_midget/
%
I think I've been hacked by Russia



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76hzxi/i_think_ive_been_hacked_by_russia/
%
A Blonde gets caught speeding

The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”
Driver: “What’s that?”
Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
“I’m gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn’t know you were a cop.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76hyl7/a_blonde_gets_caught_speeding/
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Apparently I was mistaken about the meaning of "gender-fluid"

And I'm not welcome back at that support group ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76hy0n/apparently_i_was_mistaken_about_the_meaning_of/
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"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76hxwc/i_love_you_lots_snuggles_said_my_girlfriend/
%
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
"That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.
She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76hpu9/while_playing_in_the_backyard_little_johnny_kills/
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Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of three?

They saw a sign at the border that said No Trespassing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76hmvj/why_dont_mexicans_cross_the_border_in_groups_of/
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What do you call a snake that’s 3.14 meters long?

A π-thon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76hkjv/what_do_you_call_a_snake_thats_314_meters_long/
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NSFW My buddy asked me if I ever had a girl lose a tooth while giving me head?

Of course, but she had most of her adult teeth so does it still count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76hjbq/nsfw_my_buddy_asked_me_if_i_ever_had_a_girl_lose/
%
What's the difference between cat shit and food?

Not a damn thing according to my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76hh06/whats_the_difference_between_cat_shit_and_food/
%
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76hgpn/an_irishmans_been_drinking_at_a_pub_all_night/
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Jesus loves you

A comforting thing to hear in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76hgaf/jesus_loves_you/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76hg5w/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_went_on_a_camping/
%
Why doesn't the army have anyone named Will?

They were all fired at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76hg1k/why_doesnt_the_army_have_anyone_named_will/
%
My wife had a terrible mood swing during her period.

She's just ovary acting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76hf1i/my_wife_had_a_terrible_mood_swing_during_her/
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Judge Makes Decision In Child Abuse Case

Miami, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Miami courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Miami Dolphins, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76h9l9/judge_makes_decision_in_child_abuse_case/
%
Breaking News: NFL responds to lost revenue from kneeling controversy

Breaking News: The NFL announced today that because of lost revenue due to kneeling, an NFL Team had to be cut. Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will be combining forming the Tampacks. They will be good for only one period and will have no second string...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76h6ii/breaking_news_nfl_responds_to_lost_revenue_from/
%
Oh, it's lil Johnny again.

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm,  and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and  I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76h65g/oh_its_lil_johnny_again/
%
What is the hardest part about sky diving?

The ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76h55v/what_is_the_hardest_part_about_sky_diving/
%
The last time I was somebody's type

I was donating blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76h1tr/the_last_time_i_was_somebodys_type/
%
Two couples are getting bored with their sex lives, so they decide to swap partners

After a night of wild passionate sex, Mike wakes up, rolls over, kisses his new lover, and says, "Last night was absolutely mind-blowing! Come on. Let's go see how the ladies made out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76gzc9/two_couples_are_getting_bored_with_their_sex/
%
What is the ultimate rejection?

When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76gndk/what_is_the_ultimate_rejection/
%
How does an Asian noodle say goodbye

Chow main

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76gm8r/how_does_an_asian_noodle_say_goodbye/
%
I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76gm3q/i_asked_a_librarian_for_a_book_about_pavlovs_dog/
%
What's something a good scientist or a bad pet owner would say?

I'll be in my lab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76gfhk/whats_something_a_good_scientist_or_a_bad_pet/
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What do you get if you mix laughing gas and helium?

He He He

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76gfay/what_do_you_get_if_you_mix_laughing_gas_and_helium/
%
I finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76gcem/i_finally_stopped_drinking_for_good/
%
Why are humans getting heavier?

There's a lot more of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76gbue/why_are_humans_getting_heavier/
%
A man is filling is car up with gasoline ...

And spills some on his arm. He doesn’t think anything of it. A few minutes later, he lights a cigarette and his arm catches on fire. He stuck an itnout the window to try and put it out, to no avail.
A policeman sees him, pulls him over, and helps him out out the fire. Then he writes him a ticket.
Illegal transportation of a fire arm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76gak5/a_man_is_filling_is_car_up_with_gasoline/
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A Buzzfeed writer walks into a bar...

You won't BELIEVE what they asked for!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76g9g1/a_buzzfeed_writer_walks_into_a_bar/
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A very poor couple had just been married

and all they could afford was to share a house with an elderly couple.  What's worse is that
they had to sleep on the top half of a bunk bed,  while the older
couple slept on the lower half.
Needless to say, the young couple
wanted sex often.  Instead of asking the question explicitly,
for fear that they would be overheard, they agreed to use the code
"eating orange" for sex. So every night the husband would ask his wife, "Honey, do you feel
like eating orange?".
This went on for several weeks, until one night when the husband
asked, "Honey, do you feel like eating orange?", to which the old
man from below interrupted,
"You know, I don't mind ya eating oranges so much, but could you
please not drip the orange juices down here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76g63n/a_very_poor_couple_had_just_been_married/
%
Please stop asking me what I will be doing in 3 years,

It's not like I have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76g585/please_stop_asking_me_what_i_will_be_doing_in_3/
%
What do you call it when a Chinese ghost hits you with a stick?

Bam! *Boo*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76g4c5/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_chinese_ghost_hits_you/
%
Why was the three year old African kid crying?

Because he was having a mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76g419/why_was_the_three_year_old_african_kid_crying/
%
A stormtrooper and a redshirt get into a fight.

The stormtrooper missed every shot.
The redshirt died anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76g34r/a_stormtrooper_and_a_redshirt_get_into_a_fight/
%
I like my women like i like my tea.

Pale and weak.
Hilarious I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76fzb1/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_tea/
%
Girl, are you a lava lamp?

Cause I could watch you go up and down for hours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76fyzo/girl_are_you_a_lava_lamp/
%
I aced the convert-to-Islam test today.

I answered "allah the above"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76fy83/i_aced_the_converttoislam_test_today/
%
It's impossible to make a joke about Socialism.

Because its not funny unless EVERYBODY gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76fxh6/its_impossible_to_make_a_joke_about_socialism/
%
Why should you never iron a four leaf clover?

Because you don't want to press your luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76fxa8/why_should_you_never_iron_a_four_leaf_clover/
%
What do you call zombies in Antarctica

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76fvfi/what_do_you_call_zombies_in_antarctica/
%
Schizophrenics aren't crazy

Well, that's what the voices tell me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76fss4/schizophrenics_arent_crazy/
%
I went to a feminist picnic the other day and nearly starved..

No one made any sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76frk1/i_went_to_a_feminist_picnic_the_other_day_and/
%
My boyfriend called me and told me to go over to his house as no one was home....

I snuck over to his house....no one was home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76fr1t/my_boyfriend_called_me_and_told_me_to_go_over_to/
%
I like my women like I like my bananas

Bruised and in-bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76fpu4/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_bananas/
%
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76fncx/how_do_you_make_a_blonde_laugh_on_saturday/
%
What do you call it when a group of ghosts rob a bank?

A polterheist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76flbj/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_group_of_ghosts_rob_a/
%
“I’m black and I’m proud!”

“I’m proud to be a black man!” Said the black man
“I’m proud to be an Asian man!” Said the Asian man
“I’m proud to be a white man!” Said the racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76fjur/im_black_and_im_proud/
%
My gf is like the square root of -100

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76fjc8/my_gf_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
It took guts to buy the new iPhone X

Specifically, both my kidneys, my pancreas, and my large intestine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76fbuh/it_took_guts_to_buy_the_new_iphone_x/
%
How does a tech savvy cannibal count his calories?

In kill-o-bites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76f54e/how_does_a_tech_savvy_cannibal_count_his_calories/
%
Two guys walk into a bar.

Knock knock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76f3k4/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A man goes into a job interview

, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay, I got a yob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76f2fj/a_man_goes_into_a_job_interview/
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Kissing The Blarney Stone

Donald Trump arrived in Ireland for a state visit, and complained constantly.  The food was terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
Finally they arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.  A guide met them "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," he said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps ye' can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," Trump complained. "We have some other boring tour to go on."
"Well now," the guide replied, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," Trump scoffed.
"No, Mr. President" the guide said, "but I've sat on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76etvm/kissing_the_blarney_stone/
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Fun Fact: Did you know 1 out of every 6 people live by a child predator?

Not me though, I live by a 9-year-old kid with a nice ass ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76etbw/fun_fact_did_you_know_1_out_of_every_6_people/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

No pubic hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76eq1d/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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In the wake of Trump meeting the "President of Virgin Islands", it remind me the two sides of Trump's brain: "left" and "right"...

In the left side, there's nothing right.
In the right side, there's nothing left.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76elru/in_the_wake_of_trump_meeting_the_president_of/
%
Two sardines swim at the bottom of the sea. A submarine goes by. — Heavens! What’s that?

— Just a can of people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76eej4/two_sardines_swim_at_the_bottom_of_the_sea_a/
%
Maybe Trump really did meet with the president of the Virgin Islands.

After all, he consults him on foreign policy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ed6o/maybe_trump_really_did_meet_with_the_president_of/
%
I was her bread, she was my jam

One day she left me saying "you deserve butter".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ecgr/i_was_her_bread_she_was_my_jam/
%
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76e9p6/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
%
You know those sex houses, the little wooden houses with the hole for your dick that people hang in trees?

Apparently those are for birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76e5n6/you_know_those_sex_houses_the_little_wooden/
%
A 10 years old comedian once said:

Online dating is tough.
Every time i meet someone new, they end up in jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76e403/a_10_years_old_comedian_once_said/
%
I had a dream about a billboard

I can’t remember what it said but I’m sure it’s a sign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76e3i3/i_had_a_dream_about_a_billboard/
%
What do you call a home improvement store for tyrannical leaders?

Home Despot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76dz90/what_do_you_call_a_home_improvement_store_for/
%
Sometimes people make mistakes...

...but sometimes mistakes make people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76dyk3/sometimes_people_make_mistakes/
%
I had been digging for a long time today.

Down in the hole I found a box full of Silver coins!
In the excitement I ran back indoors to tell my wife.
Then I remembered why I was digging the hole...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76dxsn/i_had_been_digging_for_a_long_time_today/
%
Mattress and Panties

Ahmed was a family man who worked very hard to take care of his family. Eventually he fell on hard times and decided to try his luck in London leaving back his family.
He toiled hard and eventually made some money. One day he decided to write a letter to his wife:
"Dear Wife, I am sorry that you and others have to endure my absence. I made £10,000 selling 100 mattresses and 1000 panties. Very soon I'll come back and we will live the life we always dreamed of."
The letter gets to Ahmed's father first and his father wrote back:
"Dear Son,  Come back now.  Your wife has made £100,000 with a single mattress and no panties."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76dw0n/mattress_and_panties/
%
A young kid was smart, but was failing math.

He simply refused to apply himself.  The parents tried everything to no avail.  Finally, in desperation, they put him into a private Catholic school.  When they got his first report card they were delighted to see he got an A in math.  They asked him what had finally motivated him.  He said "When I first walked into the school and saw that guy on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew these guys were serious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76duow/a_young_kid_was_smart_but_was_failing_math/
%
GF: "Did you see Eminem's new rap about Trump?"

Me: "Yes. It was ludacris."
GF: "No, it was Eminem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76dsdr/gf_did_you_see_eminems_new_rap_about_trump/
%
I'm currently studying snails and slugs.

It's safe to say I'm a slow learner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76dndy/im_currently_studying_snails_and_slugs/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76dlp0/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
A farmer's wire fence was broken, so he put new wood into the ground and ran wire across it.

This is a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76dlbm/a_farmers_wire_fence_was_broken_so_he_put_new/
%
My girlfriend left me because of my performance anxiety.

I'd always shit myself before we went on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76dlaf/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_of_my_performance/
%
A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds. "Two presidents in my bar in one day; this is the highlight of my life" the barman gushes.
Then the orange man walks up to the bar. The barman immediately tells him to get out of the bar. Furiously, he asks why and the barman exclaims "Ted; you just got a new liver last week. Your wife would kill me if I gave you a drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76dl2o/a_white_man_a_black_man_and_an_orange_man_walk/
%
What did the power ranger say to his patient when he became a doctor?

"It's morphine time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76dglu/what_did_the_power_ranger_say_to_his_patient_when/
%
My mate is shagging twins

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart?
"That's easy", he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76dd9y/my_mate_is_shagging_twins/
%
A software testing engineer walks into a bar.

and he orders a beer, Orders 0 beer, orders 32769 beers, orders 99999999 beers, orders a lizard, orders -1 beers, orders gksbfkagfiau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76dblf/a_software_testing_engineer_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey.

"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"
"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76d6ew/the_racehorse_owner_was_annoyed_with_the_running/
%
What's black and white and red all over?

I don't know, but it's definitely not the newspaper these days!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76d41d/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
%
What do farmers say when they want to party?

Hay, lettuce turnip the beets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76d2y0/what_do_farmers_say_when_they_want_to_party/
%
What do secret societies discriminate against?

Illuminorities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76d2xv/what_do_secret_societies_discriminate_against/
%
Why did the spy cross the road?

He was never on your side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76d2k2/why_did_the_spy_cross_the_road/
%
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76czr7/john_asks_his_wife_mary_what_she_wants_to/
%
A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76cx5y/a_local_barber_in_my_area_just_got_arrested_for/
%
Are you the guy who denies bragging about weird stuff?

Nope, I'm the guy who uses more hand sanitizer than anyone in New York City.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ctor/are_you_the_guy_who_denies_bragging_about_weird/
%
In an argument, a woman always has the last word.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76csln/in_an_argument_a_woman_always_has_the_last_word/
%
Why does leather armour make you better at sneaking?

Because it's made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ckv6/why_does_leather_armour_make_you_better_at/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ckfm/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because i put the wrong socks on today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76cjvg/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
Which superhero can beat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76cfn3/which_superhero_can_beat_captain_america/
%
What drug is the opposite of truth serum?

Liedocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76cdjc/what_drug_is_the_opposite_of_truth_serum/
%
I saw a woman driving with her hazards on.

And I thought to myself, "At least she's honest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ccff/i_saw_a_woman_driving_with_her_hazards_on/
%
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76cao5/what_do_you_call_a_boomerang_that_wont_come_back/
%
Who decided to call it "Sending a dick pic"

Instead of "Junk Mail"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76cakk/who_decided_to_call_it_sending_a_dick_pic/
%
Does the beach wave back when the ocean waves?

No, but it appreciates the sediment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76cae7/does_the_beach_wave_back_when_the_ocean_waves/
%
How many guacas in a guacamole

6.02x10^23

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76caar/how_many_guacas_in_a_guacamole/
%
My relationship with my chauffer just isn't going anywhere.

It feels like he's always trying to drive me away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76c8yv/my_relationship_with_my_chauffer_just_isnt_going/
%
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76c7bw/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_with_a_long_history_of/
%
Did you guys hear about the new Minecraft movie coming out?

I heard it's going to be a blockbuster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76c73v/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_new_minecraft_movie/
%
The bartender says: "I'm sorry, but we don't serve FTL particles."

A tachyon walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76c5tu/the_bartender_says_im_sorry_but_we_dont_serve_ftl/
%
How they call Miley Cyrus in europe?

Kilometer Cyrus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76c5rg/how_they_call_miley_cyrus_in_europe/
%
Why did the merchant refuse to sell me feces?

He didn't give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76c2p0/why_did_the_merchant_refuse_to_sell_me_feces/
%
Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash...

While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive.
Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have that so the devil burns him up and send him on his way.
The Queen is next, she call her grandchildren but keeps it very short. After a minute she gets off the phone, reaches into here hat and hands the devil the required $1 million.
Finally George Bush get on the phone, he proceeds to call all his college buddies, his brother, and his wife. He’s on the phone for over an hours. He hangs up and the devil asks him for $10.00. He pays.
Vladimir and The Queen ask the devil what’s up with that, why is it so much more cheap for him?
The devil replies “Ever since Trump took over America has gone to Hell, so it’s a local call”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76c2mf/queen_elizabeth_vladimir_putin_and_george_bush/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76c1bn/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
An old woman was sitting in her rocker by the fireplace one night when all of a sudden a genie appeared and promised to grant one wish.

She thought about it for quite awhile then looking down at her faithful cat Tom, she asked the genie to transform the pet into a handsome prince who would love her forever.  With a wave of his wand, the genie did as he was asked leaving the old lady and the prince to become better acquainted.  Some time passed and the
old woman began making amorous advances toward the handsome young man who had only minutes before been seated at her feet.  As she reached out to pull him toward her the prince leaned over and whispered in her ear "Now, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76c157/an_old_woman_was_sitting_in_her_rocker_by_the/
%
What do breasts and martinis have in common?

One is not enough and three are too many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76bz9m/what_do_breasts_and_martinis_have_in_common/
%
Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor.

Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do pushups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.
One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he
exercised all day.
Stanley said,"Look, pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right time comes, I am going to be that one."
A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter,
and they knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were
released abruptly and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with all his might.
"Go back! Go Back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76bz3b/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_sperm_named_stanley/
%
1990 Grandpa: "Get off my lawn, you little brats!"

2048 Grandpa: "Get off my LAN faggots"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76byee/1990_grandpa_get_off_my_lawn_you_little_brats/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Ach.
Ach, who?
Bless you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76bxh8/knock_knock/
%
I think medical marijuana is really good...

... for joints.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76bx57/i_think_medical_marijuana_is_really_good/
%
Joe.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.
Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.  Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months.
Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend  Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76bvot/joe/
%
A cowboy kept trying to draw his gun

Unfortunately, he couldn't find a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76btqj/a_cowboy_kept_trying_to_draw_his_gun/
%
I set up a restaurant for overweight people

I'm trying to cater for a wide audience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76bt8s/i_set_up_a_restaurant_for_overweight_people/
%
(LONG) A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida ..

..and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76brn7/long_a_young_guy_from_nebraska_moves_to_florida/
%
A teacher is informing her class

. She says, "Students, I have a very important date to tell you about"
Lil Jimmy replies, "Ooooh, who's the lucky guy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76bqoe/a_teacher_is_informing_her_class/
%
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76bpel/man_to_his_priest_yesterday_i_sinned_with_an_18/
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Build a man a fire, and you warm him for an evening...

Set a man on fire, and you warm him for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76bp1m/build_a_man_a_fire_and_you_warm_him_for_an_evening/
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My girlfriend hates giving blow jobs. She feels like she's choking and can't breathe.

I told her it's all in her head, but that made things worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76bnkm/my_girlfriend_hates_giving_blow_jobs_she_feels/
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The steps involved in constipation:

1) Sit on the toilet.
There is no number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76blf6/the_steps_involved_in_constipation/
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Three boys were talking after school...

Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."
The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"
The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76bjxg/three_boys_were_talking_after_school/
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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping...

After dinner, they drink some whisky and fall asleep in their tent. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and asks Watson if he sees anything particular.
Watson: <If i look at the sky, i see millions of stars>
Holmes: <What does this tell you?>
Watson: <This tells me that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets, that Saturn is in the Lion's costellation, that it's about quarter past three, that God is superior to us and that we are only some small insignificant creatures, that tomorrow the sky will be clear. What does this tell to you instead?>
Holmes: <This tells me that someone stole our tent>
Sorry for the poor english, but it's not my native language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76bhxt/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_are_camping/
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I remember when a YouTuber's main aim was to entertain

Now they're all diss-track-ted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76bc3p/i_remember_when_a_youtubers_main_aim_was_to/
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I made fun of the official Minecraft Twitter account

So they blocked me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76b3f3/i_made_fun_of_the_official_minecraft_twitter/
%
Where do terrorists go for a drink?

At the Allahu-ak Bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76azog/where_do_terrorists_go_for_a_drink/
%
Why was the right angle so smart?

He had 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76atux/why_was_the_right_angle_so_smart/
%
I started a cold air baloon business

but I’m having some trouble getting it off the ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76atqi/i_started_a_cold_air_baloon_business/
%
A woman with twelve breasts sounds unusual,

Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76aqf1/a_woman_with_twelve_breasts_sounds_unusual/
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I want to be a baker

My great grandfather was a baker, my grandfather was a baker and my dad was a baker.
I was bread for this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76apkx/i_want_to_be_a_baker/
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Procrastinators unite!

Tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76apkz/procrastinators_unite/
%
There is Nothing Funny About 9/11 Jokes

They are Just Plane Wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ap9c/there_is_nothing_funny_about_911_jokes/
%
I cut the entire line at the grocery store.

When they asked what I was doing, I said "I'm losing wait"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76an9m/i_cut_the_entire_line_at_the_grocery_store/
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There's a hot girl in my bedroom.

So I turned on the AC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76akzq/theres_a_hot_girl_in_my_bedroom/
%
Do you like my scar?

I made it from scratch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ai9j/do_you_like_my_scar/
%
What do you call a fat computer?

A dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76afm9/what_do_you_call_a_fat_computer/
%
Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin

Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.
Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ae4u/catholics_fail_trigonometry_because_theyre_afraid/
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what kind of humour cannot be found in the black community

dad jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76ad0j/what_kind_of_humour_cannot_be_found_in_the_black/
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Being caught in a black hole is bad...

... as no one is able to comprehend the gravity of the situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76abns/being_caught_in_a_black_hole_is_bad/
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76a9t1/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
What is it called when two gay men have a child together?

Brocreation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76a8rg/what_is_it_called_when_two_gay_men_have_a_child/
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I told my dad that I wanted to be a perfume manufacturer.

He replied "That makes scents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76a7z4/i_told_my_dad_that_i_wanted_to_be_a_perfume/
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Man catches too many fish

I went fishing and I was as on one side of the river the other man was on the opposite. First day he caught huge fish and plenty of them, yet I caught nothing. Second day comes and I take the side the other man was on in hopes of finding his catches yet he takes the opposite of me again. Yet he somehow catches all the huge fish and plenty of them, while I catch none. Third day same thing happens, he catches all the fish and I got nothing so I confront him. "How do you always get these huge fish, what gear/lures are you using?"
He replies "I don't use anything specific just fish based on how my wife wakes up. If she wakes up with her leg on the right side of the bed I fish on the right side of the river. If my wife wakes up with her leg on the left side of the bed I fish on the left side of the river"
So I ask "what happens if she wakes up with both legs on each side of the bed"
He simply replies"I stay home"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76a62w/man_catches_too_many_fish/
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NSFW What does a stripper do with her asshole just before she goes to work?

She drives him to band practice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76a5z6/nsfw_what_does_a_stripper_do_with_her_asshole/
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A priest and high school student are running out of burning elementary school

The priest says: should we save the children?
The high school student says: Fuck the children
The priest says: do we have time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76a56b/a_priest_and_high_school_student_are_running_out/
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Who decided to call it “marijuana possession"

and not “joint custody?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76a46o/who_decided_to_call_it_marijuana_possession/
%
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76a0z4/a_man_tells_his_doctor_doc_help_me_im_addicted_to/
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What's the difference between "To Catch a Predator" and Harvey Weinstein?

One stars molesters, while the other molests stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/769ror/whats_the_difference_between_to_catch_a_predator/
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DAD'S FURNITURE FIX

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels -- it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/769n2b/dads_furniture_fix/
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My dad had this great magic trick he’d show us every night

He’d turn a full bottle of jagermeister into domestic violence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/769mdf/my_dad_had_this_great_magic_trick_hed_show_us/
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Ever driven a car with no steering wheel?

It's pretty straight forward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/769hra/ever_driven_a_car_with_no_steering_wheel/
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While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/769foi/while_driving_home_i_heard_on_the_radio_that/
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trump challenged Tillerson to an IQ test, and there was only one question on the test...

If the President of the United States and the President of the US Virgin Islands are in an elevator, how many people are in the elevator?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/769ess/trump_challenged_tillerson_to_an_iq_test_and/
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Don't drink too much liquor.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/769e8q/dont_drink_too_much_liquor/
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/769a6z/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
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if i had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive...

... eventually they would all find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7696h5/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_woman_who_found_me/
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I went as John Cena for Halloween last year

But everyone kept slamming the door on my face saying "damn ding dong ditchers"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7695j7/i_went_as_john_cena_for_halloween_last_year/
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What do you call an Asian skeleton?

Shin Bone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7693jx/what_do_you_call_an_asian_skeleton/
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Last Wishes

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.... He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak,
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs.Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "The *sshole had a paper route."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/768ys2/last_wishes/
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Necrophilia is dead boring

Incest is better, it's only relatively boring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/768vs7/necrophilia_is_dead_boring/
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I finally got round to reading that Stephen Hawking book the other day.

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/768tw1/i_finally_got_round_to_reading_that_stephen/
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Why doesn't Yelp remove fake reviews of Indian restaurants?

Because everyone likes a little naan fiction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/768se1/why_doesnt_yelp_remove_fake_reviews_of_indian/
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In 1860, a man was given the job of teaching English to Indians (as they were called at the time).

He takes one of the Indian tribesmen out to the woods and is pointing things out and saying the word for it.  "Tree.  Stream.  Rocks."
They go around a bend and right there in the trail there's another Indian humping a squaw's brains out.  The English speaking man turns red and says "uhhhh... man riding bike."
The Indian pulls out his bow and fires two arrows, killing the couple.  The English speaking man jumps back in horror and screams, "what did you do that for?!"
The Indian looks at him calmly and says, "man riding my bike."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/768qoi/in_1860_a_man_was_given_the_job_of_teaching/
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A blonde, brunette & redhead

are sitting around a table.
The brunette says, I was cleaning out my daughters room and found a pack of cigarettes. I was shocked I didn’t know she smoked.
The redhead said, I was doing the same thing in my daughters room and I found a bottle of gin. I was shocked I didn’t know my daughter drank.
The blonde said wow that is amazing I was cleaning my daughters room too, and I found a condom. I was shocked, I didn’t know my daughter has a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/768qd9/a_blonde_brunette_redhead/
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Little Johnny

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/768o5z/little_johnny/
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If I sell coconuts, am I a pimp?

Only if the buyer is a Redditor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/768o5t/if_i_sell_coconuts_am_i_a_pimp/
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I asked my doctor if I was going deaf a few weeks ago.

I STILL haven't heard back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/768mda/i_asked_my_doctor_if_i_was_going_deaf_a_few_weeks/
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One old man took a bottle from the sperm donation center to donate some sperm

The next day he brought the bottle empty. Then he said:
Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the bottle open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/768e52/one_old_man_took_a_bottle_from_the_sperm_donation/
%
I googled "How to fight a wildfire"

But all I got were 48,500 matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/768cf6/i_googled_how_to_fight_a_wildfire/
%
A Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.
"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.
"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.
"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.
Ahmed replies,  "And did you know that there were no minefields in the time of the Prophet?" He then turns to the wife, "Keep walking, Saida."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/768bwt/a_afghan_man_named_ahmed_is_walking_down_a_dirt/
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What's the cleanest language in the world?

Polish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7689t9/whats_the_cleanest_language_in_the_world/
%
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said.
Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang.
The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7682v7/one_day_two_very_loving_parents_got_into_a_huge/
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I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I’ve made wet this year to -1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/767z0b/i_lent_my_umbrella_to_a_hot_girl_yesterday/
%
Theoretically a goat can get impregnated by a moth.

Scientists have never attempted the experiment however, as they don't want to create more goth kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/767xes/theoretically_a_goat_can_get_impregnated_by_a_moth/
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What do you get when you cross alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/767v56/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_alcohol_and/
%
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/767sqo/a_woman_shoots_her_husband_for_stepping_on_the/
%
Why couldn't the unemployed teacher see?

She had no pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/767s7c/why_couldnt_the_unemployed_teacher_see/
%
I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot

I was annoyed because I was gonna eat that later...
And now it's gonna taste like carrot....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/767jwv/i_caught_my_sister_masturbating_with_a_carrot/
%
I have a fetish about leaving work.

I get off at 4:30 every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/767fhv/i_have_a_fetish_about_leaving_work/
%
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.
(Courtesy of my grandpa)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/767bb0/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
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While airplanes may not be my favorite thing,

They're up there.
Repost, haven't seen it in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76786l/while_airplanes_may_not_be_my_favorite_thing/
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What do they call Cuba in a different dimension?

Squara

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7676b1/what_do_they_call_cuba_in_a_different_dimension/
%
Im hung like a gopher

An inch off the ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7674bi/im_hung_like_a_gopher/
%
The Frog Experiment

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, he put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet so the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet jumps four feet."
Then the scientist cut off one of the frog's legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. The frog jumped three feet so the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with three feet jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut of another leg and told the frog to jump again. The frog jumped two feet so the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg and told the frog to jump once more. The frog jumped one foot so the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot jumps one foot."
Then the scientist cut off the frog's last leg.
He said, "Frog, jump. Frog, jump. FROG, JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet goes deaf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/76748m/the_frog_experiment/
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What did the Terminator chicken say when it crossed the road?

I'll be bawk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766yh3/what_did_the_terminator_chicken_say_when_it/
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I was going to make a joke about drummers but, um,

tsss!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766ycf/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_drummers_but_um/
%
What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?

A rotisserie chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766udg/what_animal_rotates_at_least_200_times_after_it/
%
Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766tz0/anyone_know_where_i_can_find_someone_to_share_a/
%
Three disabled people walk into a bar.

Praise the Lord!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766tt0/three_disabled_people_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you say when you want to use the word "gay" to mean happy?

No Homonym

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766tsm/what_do_you_say_when_you_want_to_use_the_word_gay/
%
Three 911-Truthers walk into a bar and spot a NSA Agent sitting alone at a table...

Three 911-Truthers walk into a bar and spot a NSA Agent sitting alone at a table.
One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that NSA Agent over there.'
His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be detained. Let's make him start the fight.'
The third 911-Truther said, 'Wait here dudes. I know how to do it.'
He went over to the NSA Agent and said, 'The President is a retard!'
To this the NSA Agent replied, 'is that right? OK!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.
The second 911-Truther now tried his luck and said to the NSA Agent, ‘The President is a stupid asshole who doesn’t understand basic physics!'
The NSA Agent again replied, 'You're very astute, thanks for telling me!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.
The last 911-Truther told his friends he knew how to really upset the NSA Agent and bounced up to the table and yelled, 'The President is a 911-Truther!'
The NSA Agent replied, calmly, 'That's what your friends were trying to tell me.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766r30/three_911truthers_walk_into_a_bar_and_spot_a_nsa/
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What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

A visit from the Scientific Professional Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766ptv/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cow_with_an/
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The dragon and the dwarf.

Sir Robin the brave set out to rescue the beautiful princess from the terrible dragon who had kidnapped her. He first went to the wizard who enchanted his armor to protect him from the dragon’s scorching flames. He then went to the blacksmith, who gave him a mighty sword with which to slay the foul beast. He last visited the apothecary, who gave him a potion that would quicken his heart, infusing him with speed and vigor. Robin drank the potion down and took off for the dragon’s castle.
The dragon bellowed with anger when he spotted Robin at his gate. He swooped down from his perch and breathed a mighty flame. Miraculously, the wizard’s enchantment protected Robin from the terrible inferno. The dragon breathed and breathed, but he could not penetrate the wizard’s magic. When the dragon became exhausted, the invigorated Sir Robin ran under him and thrust his sword into the creature’s heart, killing him.
Robin left the dragon’s chamber and entered the castle’s main hall. There in the great room he saw an ordinary-looking man who introduced himself as Tim, of normal stature. Tim explained that he was the world’s tallest dwarf, who by sheer chance ended up regular height. He congratulated Robin on his victory and invited him to join him for some chai. Robin, hailing from fantasy-England, couldn’t pass up such a tempting offer and decided to sit down with the big little person.
As he sipped his drink, Robin recanted his journey, explaining to his average-height host how the wizard’s spell created a powerful barrier which the dragon’s fires could not defeat. Suddenly, Robin’s fast-beating heart, sped up even more from the refreshing drink, failed him. Robin clutched his chest and collapsed, dead. The moderately-sized man let out a wicked laugh! Robin, having survived the monstrous dragon, was defeated by the unremarkable trickster! Alas, Sir Robin. He was brave, but not wise. He failed to realize: It’s not the heat that kills you, it’s the huge midget’s tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766o1s/the_dragon_and_the_dwarf/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766ny6/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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What does every women in the world want?

Nothing, they're fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766mt4/what_does_every_women_in_the_world_want/
%
If a picture is worth a thousand words,

than why do so many video games have such terrible storylines?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766gew/if_a_picture_is_worth_a_thousand_words/
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Man wishes to understand women.

A man is surfing along the beaches of Southern California when he spots a strange looking bottle washed ashore nearby. He makes his way over to the bottle and tries to rub off the sand caked on the front of it so he can read it. However, this causes the bottle to start shaking violently in his hands so he throws it down on the beach. Suddenly, the cork flies off and a very disgruntled looking genie pops out. Before the man has time to gather what he just witnessed the genie asks "So I'm going to grant you **one** wish, none of this 'three wishes' mumbo-jumbo. What will it be?"
The man, still alarmed, gathers his thoughts and ponders what he could possibly ask a genie. He finally replies, "I've always wanted to surf Hawaii, but I get seasick on ships and I'm afraid to fly. Would you build me a highway all the way there from here?"
The genie responds rashly, "Do you even know how much work that would take? I'm telling you, that would require an endless supply of cement and contracted labor, not to mention the supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean would be very unfeasible! Ask for something else."
Taken aback from his rejected wish, the man ponders for yet a few more moments what else he could wish for and then replies, "Well, I've had a lot of trouble with women in the past, but all I really want is to make a woman truly happy. Could you grant me the ability to understand women?"
After a deep sigh, the genie responds, "So how many lanes did you want on that highway?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766g7j/man_wishes_to_understand_women/
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People have told me that I have hired too many people for my business.

I said not to worry because I'm seeing 14 therapists about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766cy8/people_have_told_me_that_i_have_hired_too_many/
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Have you heard the one about the guy that got locked out of his house after having Italian for dinner?

He had gnocchi...
Credit: twitter user @Mostly_Cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766an4/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_guy_that_got/
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Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!"

Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."
Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/766afr/me_gee_honey_it_sure_is_muggy_out_today/
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Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven.

Now that they have the chance to ask any question of God, one of them asks "Who was REALLY responsible for 9/11?". God responds "A group of Al-Qaeda terrorists led by Osama Bin Laden and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed."
The conspiracy theorist gulps and turns to his friend. "Fuck. This goes even higher up than we thought."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7664wq/two_conspiracy_theorists_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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Many Saudi women are fans of the Second Amendment.

They would like a right to bare arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7664ch/many_saudi_women_are_fans_of_the_second_amendment/
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If I were a sailor, I think I’d be pretty bad at puns...

Knot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7660xv/if_i_were_a_sailor_i_think_id_be_pretty_bad_at/
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Did you hear the new tie joke?

Nevermind, it's quite long and has a flat ending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7660sm/did_you_hear_the_new_tie_joke/
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They say, "Nothing is impossible."

That's a load of shit.
I do nothing every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765zyn/they_say_nothing_is_impossible/
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What do you call a fly without wings

A walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765z5j/what_do_you_call_a_fly_without_wings/
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You know what really grinds my gears?

A missed shift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765ysy/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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I just bought an iPhone X

It still hurts where my kidney used to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765xnt/i_just_bought_an_iphone_x/
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An American contractor puts out a tender for a bridge to be constructed.

Several engineers apply for the job.
The German engineer comes with mechanics and techniques and proposes a bridge to be built for the sum of 20 million dollars.
The Chinese engineer comes, plagiarizes and copies the Germans stuff and after a lot of cost cutting and cheap materials, proposes the bridge to be built for 10 million dollars.
The Jewish engineer walks in and doesn't even look at the papers, and quotes the bridge to be built for 30 million dollars.
The American contractor looks at him and says "But my friend, the German quoted 20 million dollars, and the Chinaman quoted 10 million. How on earth did you come up with 30 million dollars without even studying the specifications?!"
The Jewish engineer replies "Easy. 10 million for you, 10 million for me, and we give the job to the Chinaman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765x4i/an_american_contractor_puts_out_a_tender_for_a/
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Two men are walking through the forest

And they stumble across a deep hole in the ground. They think wow that's a really deep hole. One of them says "I wonder how deep that hole is" . The other guy says "I took AP physics in high school I know what we can do. Let's find something heavy and drop it into the hole. Then, we listen to see how long it takes to hit the bottom. I can calculate the depth from that." So they both wander around the forest looking for something heavy. Then they find a rusty anvil Laying on the ground. They think it's odd to find an anvil in the forest, but bring it to the hole anyways. They drop it into the hole and listen for it to hit the bottom. Suddenly, a goat comes running through the trees and jumps straight into the hole. Since the guys were distracted by the goat, they didn't hear the anvil hit the bottom. So, they give up and keep hiking. They hike for a while, and start hearing someone yelling "Ana! Ana!" They meet this farmer and ask what he can't find. He says his goat Ana is missing. The guys told him about the goat who jumped into the pit, and the farmer tells them. "Oh she can't go very far, she was tied to an anvil"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765wnz/two_men_are_walking_through_the_forest/
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I took Blondie to the movies

Just as the movie was about to start, she got up to leave.
"Where are you going?" I whispered. "The movie is about to start."
"I have to go outside," she said.
"Why on Earth do you have to go outside right now?"
"The movie man said to silence my cell phone," she pointed at the screen.
"So why do you have to leave?" I asked again, as nicely as I could. "I left it in the car, duh."
"Okay. Go ahead. I'll save you some popcorn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765ujh/i_took_blondie_to_the_movies/
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Bob came home drunk one night

slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
'BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765uik/bob_came_home_drunk_one_night/
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I think the girl at the grocery store likes me,

she was totally checking me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765pcn/i_think_the_girl_at_the_grocery_store_likes_me/
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I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.

I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765onw/i_bought_a_racehorse_today_i_called_him_my_face/
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What does the revolutionary dove say?

Coup, coup!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765mpo/what_does_the_revolutionary_dove_say/
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When is "us" singular and 'i' plural?

When you're Roman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765kmm/when_is_us_singular_and_i_plural/
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What's a Freudian slip?

It's when you say one thing but you mean your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765k37/whats_a_freudian_slip/
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Two stray dogs

Food was running scarce in the abandoned city two dogs, Bark and Doug were living in. So, they decided to move to the big city. Upon reaching the city, two dogs could not make up there minds if they should go left to the poorer part or to the right for the richer part.
So, they decide to split up but promise to come back once a week to meet and catch up. Bark goes left and Doug goes right.
One week later, Bark can't be happier. So much garbage to eat from, no animal catcher, so many other stray dogs to make friends with.
Meanwhile, Doug has only got thinner. Bark begs him to come to his side of the town, but Doug declines, saying he was OK.
Weeks go by, Doug goes thinner and thinner but refuses to go join his friend.
Bark is frustrated and is worried about his friend. So, this time, he decides to push. Doug either has to come with him or explain himself.
After quite a bit of coercing, Doug agrees.
See, there is this couple. The wife is really hot. The husband caught her with the mailman once. He gave her an ultimatum, if she doesn't stop this, he is gonna make sure she fucks a stray dog next. She didn't stop. It's only a matter of time that she gets caught again. Guess who is the only stray dog in that part of town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765i31/two_stray_dogs/
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WWII Joke

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking mustachioed piece of shit." It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. To which Stalin replies, "get him back here."
Two minutes later, Zhukov is back in the room facing Stalin.
"Comrade Zhukov," begins Stalin, "would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?"
"I said 'fucking mustachioed piece of shit' Comrade Stalin."
"And who were you talking about?"
"I was talking about Hitler, Comrade Stalin."
Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev,
"And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did you think he was talking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765h9c/wwii_joke/
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[OC] A notoriously bad stage actor died recently.

The vehicle carrying his casket broke down on the way to the funeral, allowing his critics, for one last time, to state that he needed to rehearse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765g84/oc_a_notoriously_bad_stage_actor_died_recently/
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Did you hear about the new wine bar in Hollywood?

You get a free drink served in a traditional German mug if you let the bartender grab your ass. It's called "Wine Steins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765g6a/did_you_hear_about_the_new_wine_bar_in_hollywood/
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I'm going to open a strip club in Alabama...

I'm going to name it Cousins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765fga/im_going_to_open_a_strip_club_in_alabama/
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My grandmother loves to knit but she was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.

She’s holding out for some sort of cure. She has her fingers crossed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765ee5/my_grandmother_loves_to_knit_but_she_was_recently/
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Did you hear about that guy from Pink Floyd exposing himself to all those shoppers?

All in all it's just another dick in the mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765ecl/did_you_hear_about_that_guy_from_pink_floyd/
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Where can you find information on every DJ in the world?

*wika*-*wika*-pedia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/765dua/where_can_you_find_information_on_every_dj_in_the/
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I saw a bum laying on the pavement....

... and I asked "Would you like me to give you an air mattress?"
"Yes, please", he smiled.
"Here you go", I said, "and you can have this air guitar as well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7658tc/i_saw_a_bum_laying_on_the_pavement/
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A Rabbi and a Priest run out of a burning school.

The Priest stops and says,"What about the children?"
The Rabbi replies,"Screw the children!"
The Priest asks,"Do you think we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/764wmp/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_run_out_of_a_burning_school/
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What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/764svd/what_do_a_glass_of_water_and_an_atheist_have_in/
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I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/764o3k/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_hospital/
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/764ljm/three_conspiracy_theorists_walk_into_a_bar/
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Grandpa's war stories

An old grandpa is telling his grandkinds his war stories:
"Kids, one day I was minding my own business when on guard when I saw two German soldiers infront of me. Kids... I shit my pants..."
"But why did you shit yourself grandpa? They were only two Germans?" the grandchildren asked.
"Oh no I ran away that time. I shat myself right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/764k31/grandpas_war_stories/
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What is not often seen and makes you laugh?

an original joke at /r/jokes
or nitrous oxide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/764hug/what_is_not_often_seen_and_makes_you_laugh/
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While at work, a man hears a voice from the sky.

The voice said, “Quit your job”.
The man hesitated, but realising that this voice was the voice of God, he quit his job.
Next, the voice told him to sell all his property and bring all the money to vegas.
The man was scared, but he did it anyway.
When arriving at vegas, the voice asked him to go to a casino and bet in all his money in a single game.
The man was hesitant, but he did what he was told.
The man then won tenfolds his money and was very happy. Thats when the voice from heaven said “HOLY SHIT I CANT BELIEVE IT WORKED”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/764hft/while_at_work_a_man_hears_a_voice_from_the_sky/
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Where do mansplainers get their water?

From a well, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/764gic/where_do_mansplainers_get_their_water/
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That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/764cax/thats_a_nice_sham_youve_got_there_it_would_be_a/
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What Is The Hardest Job In The World?

Sketching For Police Officers In China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7644no/what_is_the_hardest_job_in_the_world/
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My wife asked me to please quit singing Wonderwall in the shower

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/764315/my_wife_asked_me_to_please_quit_singing/
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John, Jack and Jeff visit the queen with gifts...

... John has got an orange. The queen gets mad. Tells the guards to shove the orange up John’s arse.
Next, Jack comes up to the queen with a banana. Queen gets furious. Shoves the banana up his arse.
Then Jeff comes with a mango. Queen is mad again. Up goes the mango in Jeff’s arse.
At this point everyone starts laughing. The queen is perplexed. She asks what’s funny? Jeff says, “Josh is on the way with a watermelon!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7640o2/john_jack_and_jeff_visit_the_queen_with_gifts/
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Do you want to hear a joke about Socrates?

Why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/763yvc/do_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_socrates/
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Charlie couldn’t believe he was being let into the chocolate factory...

His girlfriend had been dead against it for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/763s8v/charlie_couldnt_believe_he_was_being_let_into_the/
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To the guy who invented zero,

Thanks for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/763jb9/to_the_guy_who_invented_zero/
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The best way to irritate a Grammar Nazi...

is to tell them there wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/763hu3/the_best_way_to_irritate_a_grammar_nazi/
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

It’s a trick question! They just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/763e17/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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Hey baby did you get your pants on sale?

Because in my house they're 100% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/763brt/hey_baby_did_you_get_your_pants_on_sale/
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You know what they call someone who dabbles in various styles of masturbation?

A Jack-off all trades

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7637pf/you_know_what_they_call_someone_who_dabbles_in/
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A guy is speeding on the highway..

A police officer notices him and starts following him, trying to pull him over. Instead, the guy just speeds up more and more, trying to dodge the officer. The officer is having none of it, and after a a wild chase and a couple more police cars involved the guy is finally stopped.
The officer walks up to the guy's car and asks' "Sir, can you tell me why you were speeding?"
"Well, you see officer, last week my wife ran off with a police officer, and I was just so afraid that you were bringing her back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7636ye/a_guy_is_speeding_on_the_highway/
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Why did the woman drive her car into a tree?

To see how her Mercedes Benz!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7631tp/why_did_the_woman_drive_her_car_into_a_tree/
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Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7630v8/dont_you_hate_it_when_someone_answers_their_own/
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I once had a girlfriend who punched me in the face every time she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/762kbo/i_once_had_a_girlfriend_who_punched_me_in_the/
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What do you call a German stealth WW2 submarine?

A not see you boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/762g8j/what_do_you_call_a_german_stealth_ww2_submarine/
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What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/762g2b/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
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There's a strange new trend at work, people are writing names on the food in the company fridge

Today I had a chicken sandwich named Kevin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/762fq9/theres_a_strange_new_trend_at_work_people_are/
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I got pulled over by a State Trooper

He walked up to the car and said, "Papers."
I replied, "Scissors. I win." and then I drove away.
The motherfucker must want a rematch because he's been chasing me for the last twenty minutes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/762f55/i_got_pulled_over_by_a_state_trooper/
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A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/762edm/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My motto in life is to always give 100%

It does make blood donation quite tricky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/762e5y/my_motto_in_life_is_to_always_give_100/
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I heard the 3 out of 5 people suffer from cancer

The other 2 must be enjoying it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/762drl/i_heard_the_3_out_of_5_people_suffer_from_cancer/
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How many Harvey Weinsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?

That light bulb will change itself right in front of him if she knows what's good for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/762cj2/how_many_harvey_weinsteins_does_it_take_to_change/
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What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/762bui/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
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The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died.

His family are taking it really hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/762839/the_inventor_of_inappropriate_innuendo_has_died/
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Now that Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood career is over, he's decided to open a bank.

Word is that he's been giving out plenty of unwanted advances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7627y2/now_that_harvey_weinsteins_hollywood_career_is/
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What's the difference between a woman and a freezer?

A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761zc6/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a_freezer/
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So I'm walking down an alley with my friend, Larry, and we see a cat.

We go up to the cat and see that it is clearly malnourished, so we assume its a stray. After checking we notice it has a collar, with the name "Love" on it. Larry thinks that name is gay and decides to call rename the cat "fag". We give fag some food then leave. A few days later we come back to visit fag and start petting him. Then a man enters the alley with a gun in his waistband. "What are you doing to my cat!?" he yells. fag runs to hind behind us. "fag is with us now!" Larry responds. "What, are you calling my cat a fag!?" the man says. Next thing I know the man pulls out his gun and shoots me in the chest. With my dying breaths, I shout to larry "SHOT THROUGH THE HEART AND YOU'RE TO BLAME"
"YOU GAVE LOVE A BAD NAME"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761z7u/so_im_walking_down_an_alley_with_my_friend_larry/
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What did Genghis Khan's mother tell him after he destroyed Xi Xia?

Just because you Genghis Khan, doesn't mean you Genghis should.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761xhb/what_did_genghis_khans_mother_tell_him_after_he/
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What has 8 legs, 8 arm, and 8 eyes?

8 Pirates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761uei/what_has_8_legs_8_arm_and_8_eyes/
%
Hillary was asked if Weinstein's behavior compared to that of her husband's.

She said "Close, but no cigar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761pkd/hillary_was_asked_if_weinsteins_behavior_compared/
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My wife walked in on me

Blow drying my dick and balls after a shower.
What are you doing? She asked.
Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not an appropriate response.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761iti/my_wife_walked_in_on_me/
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A Protestant minister, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is the best

A protestant minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is best. After hours of arguing, they agree to go into the woods and convert a bear. They would meet up in next week to see who won.
THe next week, the Priest comes in to the coffee shop with his arm in a sling and sees the minister drinking coffee with a cast on his leg. The minister sees him and asks if he converted his bear.
"Yes" said the priest, "though it was tough. I wrestled the bear for hours and that's how I got this, " he points to the sling, "but eventually, I pushed it into a river and baptized it, then it became docile as a lamb, its coming to Mass on Sunday."
The Minister said "I have a similar story, I found a bear eating a honeycomb, so I grabbed the honeycomb and ran to the nearest pond. The bear caught up to me and I had to wrestle him into the pond, not before he gave me this though," he pointed to his leg, "anyway, once I got it into the water and baptized it, it became docile as a lamb. Its coming to Congregation this Sunday."
At that moment the Rabbi is wheeled in with a full body cast. The Priest and the Minister both get up and asked him what happened.
The Rabbi relied, "Well, I probably shouldn't have started with a circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761ibg/a_protestant_minister_a_catholic_priest_and_a/
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Two Jews are walking past a church

. The signboard reads "Convert to Christianity today and earn $100!"
The first Jew says, "What a load of crap. Proselytizing schmucks!"
The second Jew says, "I don't know, one hundred dollars is one hundred dollars."
"You can't be serious," says the first guy.
"Watch me," says the second guy and he goes into the church. About half an hour later he comes back out.
"Well?" says his friend. "Did they give you the one hundred dollars?"
The second guy says, "Oh, it's always about the money with you people!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761i09/two_jews_are_walking_past_a_church/
%
I used to hate tumors

But they've started to grow on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761hvw/i_used_to_hate_tumors/
%
Two old ladies sitting on a park bench

There were two old ladies sitting on a park bench talking when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
The first old lady had a stroke, but the second old lady couldn't reach it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761hu0/two_old_ladies_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
An Scotsman stranded on a deserted island looks up and sees a beautiful woman scuba diver walking out of the water.

He’s been there for years and is speechless. She walks up and says, “How Long since you had a smoke?”
“14 years,” he says wistfully.
She unzips her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes, hands them over with a lighter and watches him light one. “How Long since you had a drink?” she asks.
“14 years,” he says with a look of longing in his eyes.
She unzips the other sleeves, pulls out a bottle of 16 year old scotch and hands it over. The man drinks deeply and looks at the woman eagerly. “How long since you played around?” she asks with a sparkle in her voice.
“14 years,” he says with a wistful look at the diver. She starts unzipping the front of her wetsuit and his eyes go wide before exclaiming, “You have a set of golf clubs in there too?!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761hir/an_scotsman_stranded_on_a_deserted_island_looks/
%
9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles

Never get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761h22/9_out_of_10_people_who_are_afraid_of_hurdles/
%
So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel

suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himself "we have to cut the electricity off!" And runs to the power panel in the basement. The statistician wakes up and looks around, he then screams "we need more data!!" And he sets the curtains on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761frb/so_an_engineer_a_physicist_and_a_statistician_are/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink

He sits at the bar and talks to the bartender for a bit before seeing a bottle of vodka on the top shelf, stuffed full of peppers, with a sign that says, “ Free drinks for life if you complete ‘the challenge’.”  Like any reasonable man he asks the bartender about the challenge.
“Oh, that,” says the bartender. “Drink the whole bottle of vodka.  Then go out back an I have a pet alligator - extract her sore tooth. After that, there’s a woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm. Give her one. That’s it.”
The bartender goes back to cleaning glasses and the man goes back to his drink. When he finishes he slams his glass down and says, “I’ll do it!”
The rest of the patrons crowd around as the bartender takes the vodka off the shelf. The man chugs it like the peppers don’t exist. Then he stands up and staggers our the back door. The patrons listen and for several minutes nothing happens. Then the most awful roaring and chomping noises filter in through the back door and even the bartender crosses himself.
A few minutes later the noises die down and to everyone’s surprise the man stumbles back in the door a bloody mess!
He wavers on his feet for a minute before yelling the slurred words, “Where’s that Lady with a sore tooth?!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761d6b/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
%
What's a french criminal's favourite font?

Sans Sheriff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761c6t/whats_a_french_criminals_favourite_font/
%
What did the Alabama sheriff call the black man that got shot 20 times?

The worst case of suicide he’s ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761b3z/what_did_the_alabama_sheriff_call_the_black_man/
%
A man placed

some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, " Why did you die? Why?! Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, " My wife's first husband! Why did you die? Why did you die?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7619vj/a_man_placed/
%
Why does santa have big balls?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/761920/why_does_santa_have_big_balls/
%
A doctor is talk g with a little girl

The doctor says,
"You're like a honey bee!"
The little girl says,
"Why? Because I'm so sweet?"
The doctor replies,
" No, because you're dying at an alarming rate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7618pk/a_doctor_is_talk_g_with_a_little_girl/
%
Why are earthquakes always found guilty?

Because they are at fault

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7614qh/why_are_earthquakes_always_found_guilty/
%
The problem with letting Jesus take the wheel...

Is that that motherfucker ain't afraid to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7612q5/the_problem_with_letting_jesus_take_the_wheel/
%
A virgin on her 11th husband (oldy but goody)

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/760vkc/a_virgin_on_her_11th_husband_oldy_but_goody/
%
Why does it take 200 million sperm to fertilize an egg?

Because they won't ask for directions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/760v3g/why_does_it_take_200_million_sperm_to_fertilize/
%
For our art homework we had to do a painting and my teacher asked me where mine was.

I said, "My dog ate it."
"But you don't have a dog..." said the girl next to me.
"You're right," I replied, "not any more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/760u26/for_our_art_homework_we_had_to_do_a_painting_and/
%
God is funny

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/760u1a/god_is_funny/
%
How do you know a girl on Tinder is real?

When they ignore you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/760tnq/how_do_you_know_a_girl_on_tinder_is_real/
%
"There's some kitchen counters over there," said the assistant.

I looked over and saw one of them talking to himself.
"1 kitchen, 2 kitchens, 3 kitchens..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/760sda/theres_some_kitchen_counters_over_there_said_the/
%
"Back in Black" and "Back in Business" are both good lines.

But I'd reccomend against using "Back in Black Business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/760p5g/back_in_black_and_back_in_business_are_both_good/
%
Many things used to be illegal in North Korea.

Now they're unlegal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/760onu/many_things_used_to_be_illegal_in_north_korea/
%
So a line of women are before a priest before they become nuns

As the first one approaches the priest asks if she’s ever come in contact with a penis.  She says “Yes I once saw a penis.”
The priest says “Wash your eyes with holy water and go on to the seminary sister.”
The second approaches and states she has once touched a penis.  The priest says “Wash your hands with holy water and go on to the seminary sister.”
Suddenly there is a lot of commotion in the line.  The priest asks what is going on.  One of the women yells, “If I’m going to have to gargle the holy water, I want to go before Mary-Katherine washes her ass with it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/760jh7/so_a_line_of_women_are_before_a_priest_before/
%
A train driver drove the train off the railroad

This caused serious damage to the train and injuring everyone on board.
He was called in to see his supervisors.
Supervisor : what the fuck made you do it?!
Train driver : I had to.. there was a cow on the railroad..
Supervisor : were you even thinking?! you should have ran it over and not cause harm to the hundreds on board!
Train driver: exactly my thought! I made up my mind to run it over. silly cow thought it could escape by running out of the railroad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/760has/a_train_driver_drove_the_train_off_the_railroad/
%
I would make a joke about having sex with your mom

But beastiality isn't funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/760c4s/i_would_make_a_joke_about_having_sex_with_your_mom/
%
2 girls meet: "Me & my husband are no longer together...

2 girls meet:
"Me & my husband are no longer together..."
"Why?"
"Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"
"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7608yq/2_girls_meet_me_my_husband_are_no_longer_together/
%
What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7608jr/whats_the_difference_between_hungry_and_horny/
%
Why does Snoop Dog use an umbrella?

Fo' Drizzle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7604b0/why_does_snoop_dog_use_an_umbrella/
%
A painter asked: How am I selling?

Gallery Owner: Well there's good news and bad news. A man came in and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he brought everything you had in the gallery.
Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?
Gallery Owner: He was your doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75zy5x/a_painter_asked_how_am_i_selling/
%
So i have this over the top gay friend..

He gets really screechy and table slappy when we watch hockey.
Slapping the table top and screeching in a high pitched feminine voice when his team scores a goal.
I wonder what in his past made him this way?
Was it caused by trauma?
Did he not get enough attention from his father?
Was he molested by his uncle?
Seriously people aren't just born Maple Leaf fans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75zsks/so_i_have_this_over_the_top_gay_friend/
%
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75znz7/late_one_night_a_mugger_wearing_a_ski_mask_jumped/
%
My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...

so I got alcohol, a lot of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75znfu/my_wife_told_me_to_go_out_and_get_something_that/
%
Justin Timberlake loves the Ukraine

Or, more specifically, the Crimea River

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75zma4/justin_timberlake_loves_the_ukraine/
%
What will they call Arnold Schwarzenegger after he stops acting?

The ex-terminator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75zm39/what_will_they_call_arnold_schwarzenegger_after/
%
How did the duck rob the bank?

It quacked the code to the vault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75zikm/how_did_the_duck_rob_the_bank/
%
What to hear a physics joke?

Assume a funny joke. Ignore friction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75zg2q/what_to_hear_a_physics_joke/
%
If you think your life is bad imagine being an egg

You only get laid once, smashed once and the only bird that sits on your face is your Mum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75zcmc/if_you_think_your_life_is_bad_imagine_being_an_egg/
%
Daaaaaaayuuuuuuum girl, are you the newspaper?

Cause everyday you got a new issue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75z665/daaaaaaayuuuuuuum_girl_are_you_the_newspaper/
%
[NSFW] As I was about to drop my pants, she whispered in my ear "I can handle anything you can give me"...

Apparently she can't handle disappointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75z0ia/nsfw_as_i_was_about_to_drop_my_pants_she/
%
Protons have mass?

I didnt know they were Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75yzj8/protons_have_mass/
%
Are you a school?

Cause I wanna shoot kids inside you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75yymn/are_you_a_school/
%
Hitler was on to something.....

How can you be racist if there is only one race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75yy73/hitler_was_on_to_something/
%
Doctor: I have some medical news.

You'll have to stop masturbating for a while.
Patient: Why?
Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75yvph/doctor_i_have_some_medical_news/
%
A woman standing next to an ATM asked me if I can help her check her balance.

So I pushed her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75yric/a_woman_standing_next_to_an_atm_asked_me_if_i_can/
%
What do you call a kid with Down Syndrome who's late to school?

Retardy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75yr4a/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_down_syndrome_whos/
%
What's the opposite of a devil's threesome?

A holey trinity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75yp5k/whats_the_opposite_of_a_devils_threesome/
%
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist.

The  religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at  church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.
However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-paid job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious  man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting  fatter every day, and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.
So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven  and asked,  "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and  confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe  in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness,  while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75yla4/a_very_religious_man_lived_right_next_door_to_an/
%
A pilot bailed out of his crashing plane and landed on an uncharted island.

He soon found himself surrounded by natives with spears. A big native adorned with decorations points at the pilot.
“I'm screwed,” says the pilot.
God opens up the clouds and says to the pilot, “No, you're not screwed. Grab the closest spear and throw it through the leader’s heart.”
The pilot does this.
“NOW you're screwed,” says God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75yisq/a_pilot_bailed_out_of_his_crashing_plane_and/
%
I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ygzh/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
%
What’s the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?

Boobs!
“Thank you Michael Scott”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75yde3/whats_the_difference_between_a_salesman_and_a/
%
A group of guys were having some drinks

When the conversation turned to how great their sons were.
First Frank regaled everyone with the tale of how his son, the car dealer, was so rich, that he gave a buddy a brand new car.
The next guy said "that's nothing! My son, the successful realtor has made so much money, that he gave his friend a free house!"
The third guy waved him off and with a smile, broke the news that his son, the stock broker, was able to give his friend a large brokerage account, with a wide portfolio of investments.
So now the three men turned the the fourth man, and asked about him...
"Well, my son is a transvestite cabaret performer."
"Oh God, Tim, I had no idea!" One of then responded.
"Oh, I'm not ashamed at all, for he must be doing great at it.  Just last year, one of his boyfriends gave him a car, another a house and his main guy even gave him a big brokerage account to invest with!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ycns/a_group_of_guys_were_having_some_drinks/
%
Life is like a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you're hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75yahx/life_is_like_a_bowl_of_soup/
%
He's a good boy.

A teenage girl is having a heated argument with her mother about her boyfriend, whom the mother does not like at all. "You can ground me, you can take my cell phone, but I am still seeing Roger".  "I don't think he's any good" said mom. "He is too a good boy, why else would he be doing 200 hours of community service?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75y7fh/hes_a_good_boy/
%
I ordered a horse from a rancher, but only got a mule.

Guess he just half-assed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75y6vu/i_ordered_a_horse_from_a_rancher_but_only_got_a/
%
Why do stealth classes need leather armour?

Because it’s made of HIDE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75y49e/why_do_stealth_classes_need_leather_armour/
%
Nigerian Fishing

Give a Nigerian a fish and he'll eat for the day.
Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll immediately turn into a prince and start emailing people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75y36s/nigerian_fishing/
%
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75y23o/a_police_officer_pulls_over_a_speeding_car_the/
%
A texan walks into an Irish bar

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75y0xe/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_bar/
%
The key to a successful relationship

Find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75y0qw/the_key_to_a_successful_relationship/
%
What did the pirate say when he turend 80?

Aye Matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xznm/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turend_80/
%
Facebook was down. Then someone knocked on my door...

-it was a couple of my friends with dinner plates in their hands. They wanted me to see what they were having today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xpcy/facebook_was_down_then_someone_knocked_on_my_door/
%
"To make sure it never happens again, I'm going to sit here and watch you finish the whole pack!"

Said my girlfriend's father, after walking in on us having protected sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xo3i/to_make_sure_it_never_happens_again_im_going_to/
%
A tree will never hit you

They're all bark and no bite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xm52/a_tree_will_never_hit_you/
%
What's worse than 3 babies in a trash can?

One baby in three trash cans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xjam/whats_worse_than_3_babies_in_a_trash_can/
%
Why did Eve eating the forbidden fruit cause a lump in Adams throat?

Because she was eating Adam's apple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xhyt/why_did_eve_eating_the_forbidden_fruit_cause_a/
%
People buying Apple products are so dumb.

Sent from my iPhone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xhy8/people_buying_apple_products_are_so_dumb/
%
Rating your girlfriend

A bartender notices one of his regulars looking dejected.
" Hey John, what happened to you?"
" My girlfriend broke up with me. "
Interested, the bartender leans forward and asks why.
" Well. This morning I told her she was a 60."
" Well that's kinda understandable," the bartender thinks.
"She got mad. She told me to be honest. You know girls, finicky about their numbers. I told her she was an 80. She got even more mad."
" Eighty is fine. Though I would think a girl expects more from her boyfriend. " The bartender thinks to himself.
" So then I told her she was a 100. No lies. Guess what? She got furious and broke up with me on the spot."
" But why!? Did she expect to get a 110 out of 100?" The bartender bursts, seeing the seeming injustice.
" Exactly! I told her the weighing scale didn't go past 100. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xhjc/rating_your_girlfriend/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xgzo/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
%
What's the difference between an actress and a hooker.

That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xfuv/whats_the_difference_between_an_actress_and_a/
%
Why do ballerinas dance on their toes?

So they don’t wake up the audience!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xfby/why_do_ballerinas_dance_on_their_toes/
%
How does Trump like to commute to work everyday?

By taking the fascist way possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xeup/how_does_trump_like_to_commute_to_work_everyday/
%
How does a Japanese chihuahua say hello?

Konichiuaua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xe53/how_does_a_japanese_chihuahua_say_hello/
%
What do you call a frog making leaps and bounds?

Frogress
(just made this up)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xdz8/what_do_you_call_a_frog_making_leaps_and_bounds/
%
Young Dave just learnt the alphabets

He had an amplified stage fear, he was too afraid to even talk to more than 10 people at a time
The teacher says "Dave, write all the alphabets on the board"
Dave nervously replies" no ma'am, I don't think I know them all"
Teacher says" come here and give it a try!'
Dave complies and writes on the black board
"A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O  Q R S T U V W X Y Z"
The teacher notices the mistake and asks" Where is the P Dave? "
"Running down my leg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xcq9/young_dave_just_learnt_the_alphabets/
%
Went to the store yesterday to buy a cherry and a microphone stand.

Bought a Bing, bought a boom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xcos/went_to_the_store_yesterday_to_buy_a_cherry_and_a/
%
Why couldn’t trump hang himself?

Fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xcoo/why_couldnt_trump_hang_himself/
%
You know what's really odd?

Numbers not divisible by 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75xbpx/you_know_whats_really_odd/
%
Golfing With A Hitman

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other and then look at the guy and say, ''Sure.''
So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. The friends all laugh.
The guy says, ''No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.''
So one of the friends dicides to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He gets all excited and says, ''WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?'' The hit man replies, ''Sure.''
So the guy looks for a second and says, ''YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!''
This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, ''I get $1000 everytime I pull the trigger.''
The guy responds, ''$1000??? Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.''
The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally the man starts to get really impatient and asks, ''What are you waitng for?!?
The hitman replies, ''Just hold on..... I'm a about to save you a thousand bucks!''
(Old joke but I still enjoy it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75x91a/golfing_with_a_hitman/
%
Thank god for nipples

Without it, boobs would be pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75x4az/thank_god_for_nipples/
%
Now that Harvey Weinstein's career in Hollywood is over, he should move to Houston.

Houston is used to getting fucked by Harvey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75x2y0/now_that_harvey_weinsteins_career_in_hollywood_is/
%
My coworker asked me why all the Plan B pills kept getting stolen

I told her it was probably because they were easier to steal than vacuums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75x2wi/my_coworker_asked_me_why_all_the_plan_b_pills/
%
I was really excited one year when I got the contract to install the cordons around the Olympic Village.

but my wife keeps telling me I should stop telling people that I used to be an Olympic fencer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75x26u/i_was_really_excited_one_year_when_i_got_the/
%
Q: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75x0z0/q_how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
I only drink on days beginning with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75wyso/i_only_drink_on_days_beginning_with_t/
%
A man calls his wife into the bedroom.

"I want to show you the new watch I got today."
She goes in and find him with his pants down.
"That's not a watch!" she says.
"It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75wxwm/a_man_calls_his_wife_into_the_bedroom/
%
Why is leather armour the best for sneaking in?

Because it's made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75wrel/why_is_leather_armour_the_best_for_sneaking_in/
%
Finding a career after college and being a virgin is tough...

There's all kinds of jobs out there: hand jobs, blow jobs, rim jobs...but I can't get any of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75wrbp/finding_a_career_after_college_and_being_a_virgin/
%
Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?

A trip to Thailand?
Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?
Then I pick you up again. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75wr7r/honey_what_will_you_give_me_for_our_25th/
%
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper but there was a problem...

It wouldn't take shit from anyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75wnes/they_once_made_a_chuck_norris_toilet_paper_but/
%
First women in space.

"Houston, we have a problem."
"What?"
"Nevermind."
"Whats the problem?"
"Nothing."
"Please tell us."
"I'm fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75wk6w/first_women_in_space/
%
I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75wj3i/i_was_just_reading_that_martin_scorseses_film_the/
%
A man and his wife are in a car accident.

The man is saved by the airbag, but the woman hits her head on the windshield and falls into a coma.
The man sits in the hospital waiting room day and night, praying for his wife to recover.
One day, while giving the wife a sponge bath, the nursing staff notices, when they wash her "private area", a slight amount of brain activity on the monitor.
The senior nurse goes out to talk to the husband, "Mr. Smith, we have an unorthodox request for you. My staff has noticed that your wife seems to respond to sexual stimulation. We may have found a path to lead her out of the coma."
"We will leave the room, and you can perform oral sex on your wife. The stimulation just may be enough to wake her up for good."
The staff leaves the room and the husband enters. The staff sits outside listening to her EKG:  "beep, beep, beep...beeeeeeeeeeep" as she flatlines.
The staff comes running into the room to revive the wife. They shout to the husband, "what happened!?"
The man turns around and zips up his fly: "I don't know. She just started choking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75wixk/a_man_and_his_wife_are_in_a_car_accident/
%
Q: How do you know when a mechanic has had sex? [nsfw]

A: Two of his fingers are clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75whf6/q_how_do_you_know_when_a_mechanic_has_had_sex_nsfw/
%
Just remember...if the world didn't suck,

we'd all fall off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75wggv/just_rememberif_the_world_didnt_suck/
%
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets.

Then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75wffk/standing_in_the_park_i_was_wondering_why_a/
%
What’s a Mexican’s favorite sport?

Cross Country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75wch7/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
%
What do you call the money spent on a sex change?

A transaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75wbjg/what_do_you_call_the_money_spent_on_a_sex_change/
%
People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian".

well nobody’s laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75w9z8/people_used_to_laugh_at_me_when_i_would_say_i/
%
A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts.

I told her, "fried or grilled" but apparently that's not an appropriate response to a prostitute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75w7i3/a_woman_just_asked_me_if_i_like_thighs_or_breasts/
%
Headache and Testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried  the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75w6kg/headache_and_testicles/
%
What do you call a scary cake that keeps coming back?

A boo meringue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75w47o/what_do_you_call_a_scary_cake_that_keeps_coming/
%
North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there’s no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75w2sz/north_korea_has_a_new_war_game/
%
I've been married for 20 years and always called my wife "fatty".

At first she didn't like it but she later grew into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75w0ku/ive_been_married_for_20_years_and_always_called/
%
When Kim Kardashian dies...

Will she be put in a grave or melted along with the rest of the plastic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75vyrf/when_kim_kardashian_dies/
%
An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card.

The mother opens it and sees all "B"s and "C"s and is disappointed with her son. She heard from a friend that the nearby church school does a great job at fixing people right up, so she decides to send her son there.
After the first day at the church school, the boy, instead of putting off his math homework like he would do at the regular school, runs right past his mom, up the stairs, into his room and does his homework for several hours. The mother, slightly confused, doesn't think much of it. The next day, It's same story. He runs past his mom, up the stairs, into his room and does his homework for several hours.
This happens every day and at the end of the week, the boy brings back a report card, with a smile on his face. The mother sees all "A"s on the sheet.
Curious, the mother asks, "What was so different from the church school than the public school that made you work like this?"
He replies, "When I walked in and saw that guy hanging up on the wall, I knew they meant business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75vxpk/an_average_boy_gets_home_from_school_and_shows/
%
My doctor just asked me if I knew my sperm count

"Didn't realise they were that clever"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75vx1n/my_doctor_just_asked_me_if_i_knew_my_sperm_count/
%
Jewish Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers became uncomfortable.
" You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60,000."
The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $ 10,000, He handed it to attorney Sam and said...
"Now that I'm returning $ 10,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75vwx9/jewish_judge/
%
What gender pronouns are you supposed to use for chocolate bars?

Her/she

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75vw7l/what_gender_pronouns_are_you_supposed_to_use_for/
%
A guy California short stops a stop sign

And keeps going down an empty road. A cop who was sitting at the opposite corner sees this and pulls him over.
As he heads towards the drivers side door, the driver is rolling down his window and asks "What seems to be the issue, officer?"
"Well, I saw you didn't stop at the stop sign," he replies. "Is there any reason for that?"
The driver says, "Well there isn't anyone around, I figured it wouldn't hurt much, I did slow down."
So the officer pulls out his baton and starts wailing on the driver in his car.
As he's beating him, he's yelling "SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SLOW DOWN OR STOP?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75vu41/a_guy_california_short_stops_a_stop_sign/
%
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'".
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'".
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'".
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'".
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well...."?
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
slim,
tall,
38D - 24 - 36
When she walks into a room people say,
"Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75vtga/four_catholic_men_and_a_catholic_woman_were/
%
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.

He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands: “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies: “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75vqlp/a_police_officer_sees_a_man_driving_around_with_a/
%
I said hi to a feminist today.

The court case is decided for November 8th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75vpbn/i_said_hi_to_a_feminist_today/
%
I hear Harvey Weinstein's call sheet has been blowing up lately.

Apparently the Republican Party wants him to run for President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75vodd/i_hear_harvey_weinsteins_call_sheet_has_been/
%
My brother was fired from a factory job for sticking his dick in the pipe cutter during his shifts.

They fired her at the same time, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75vj1a/my_brother_was_fired_from_a_factory_job_for/
%
How do you make your wife scream during sex?

Call her and tell her about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75vg0c/how_do_you_make_your_wife_scream_during_sex/
%
Why don't cows wear flip flops?

They lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75vad5/why_dont_cows_wear_flip_flops/
%
Taste of Love

After 10 years of marriage John decides to spice up his sex life.
He buys various flavored condoms and when he comes home he blindfolds his wife and leads her to the bedroom.
“Mary,  I want you to go down on me and tell me what flavor condom I’m wearing!”
“Cheese&Onions!”
“Wait wait let me put one on first!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75v5cq/taste_of_love/
%
How do all these anti-Trump Youtube videos make it to Trending in a matter of minutes?

Fake views.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75v0xw/how_do_all_these_antitrump_youtube_videos_make_it/
%
People say that adopted kids aren’t loved the same as biological kids.

You’d have to be pretty drunk to accidentally spend $40,000 at an adoption agency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75uztb/people_say_that_adopted_kids_arent_loved_the_same/
%
I have a Polish friend who is an audio engineer.

And a Czech one too. Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75uy6z/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_is_an_audio_engineer/
%
Doctor: “Do you do sports?”

Patient: “Does sex count?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75uxl2/doctor_do_you_do_sports/
%
New Yorkers are the fastest readers in the world.

Some of them have been known to go through 100 stories in mere seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75uv3w/new_yorkers_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
%
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”

“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75uu68/my_wife_suffers_from_a_drinking_problem/
%
I asked my homosexual friend what he looked for in a man.

But I couldn't get a straight answer out of him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75uu5g/i_asked_my_homosexual_friend_what_he_looked_for/
%
Jesus once said: "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75use9/jesus_once_said_he_who_lives_by_the_sword_will/
%
I wonder how long our ancestors managed to live with no shelter...

before they caved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75uq17/i_wonder_how_long_our_ancestors_managed_to_live/
%
I know a farmer that grows doritos

It's a cool ranch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ujlh/i_know_a_farmer_that_grows_doritos/
%
I have dailysex.

No, not dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75uhir/i_have_dailysex/
%
I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ugu0/i_saw_a_clickbait_article_watch_eminem_attack/
%
Three friends, Harry, Dick, an Billy were stranded on an island

They stumble upon a genie lamp, who proceeds to give them each a wish.
Harry, being the smartest of the group, says, "I wish to have the power to change into a bird so I can fly away."
So Harry flies away.
Dick, being somewhat smart, says, 'I want to become a bird and fly away!"
So he turns into a bird and follows Harry.
However, Billy was the most stupid out of the three. He said, "I want to be a... uh..." and forgets what Harry and Dick said. He then shouts, "Harry! Dick!" in an effort to get their attention.
Billy turns into a hairy dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75uft6/three_friends_harry_dick_an_billy_were_stranded/
%
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon...

... for having no life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ucyb/i_wonder_if_earth_makes_fun_of_the_moon/
%
My New girlfriend is a masseuse

And she is putting way too much pressure on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ub3o/my_new_girlfriend_is_a_masseuse/
%
Knock. Knock. Knock knock. Knock knock knock. Knock knock knock knock knock.

Who's there?
Fibonacci.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75u94c/knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock/
%
Saudi men are still not letting their wives drive

I mean, that's ridiculous. You can't let an 8 year old drive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75u8bi/saudi_men_are_still_not_letting_their_wives_drive/
%
A guy throws open his front door and yells to his wife, “Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery!”

His wife emerges from the kitchen and screams, “Oh my god, that’s incredible! Should I pack for the beach or should I pack for the mountains?”
Husband replies, “I don’t care. Just get the fuck out!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75u53g/a_guy_throws_open_his_front_door_and_yells_to_his/
%
What do you call a chicken who likes to carve wood?

Chicken Whittle!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75u4o9/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_who_likes_to_carve_wood/
%
Six months ago, my wife had her credit card stolen.

Tonight I learned this guy took it. But I'm not going to turn him in. He spends a lot less per month than she did!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75u0ct/six_months_ago_my_wife_had_her_credit_card_stolen/
%
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the referee was blowing fouls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75tzoy/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_basketball_court/
%
I heard they're letting girls join the boy scouts now.

They're going to help the boys pitch a tent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75twbx/i_heard_theyre_letting_girls_join_the_boy_scouts/
%
When I was young my dad really emphasized how important it would be to use a condom if I ever had sex with a girl.

I asked him why.
"Because, son," he replied, "any girl that would sleep with you would sleep with anyone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75tv75/when_i_was_young_my_dad_really_emphasized_how/
%
Finally got around to taking a class on temporal physics.

It's about time, right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75tuh9/finally_got_around_to_taking_a_class_on_temporal/
%
A lot of people are into flight and aviation... that's cool and all, but

I find the whole thing rather Boeing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75tmbk/a_lot_of_people_are_into_flight_and_aviation/
%
How do you make an Amish woman happy?

3 Mennonite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75tkop/how_do_you_make_an_amish_woman_happy/
%
My friend thinks that the Canadian PM is an evil guy.

I don't think that's Trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75tk4f/my_friend_thinks_that_the_canadian_pm_is_an_evil/
%
A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts

I told her I like shaved vagina and anal. Apparently this is not an appropriate answer at KFC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75tjtr/a_woman_just_asked_me_if_i_like_thighs_or_breasts/
%
Why is the army so strict on uniforms?

To minimize casual tees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75tjko/why_is_the_army_so_strict_on_uniforms/
%
Whelp! It’s that time of the month again. There is BLOOD everywhere...

Ugggh...I hate flossing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75tj1z/whelp_its_that_time_of_the_month_again_there_is/
%
What is the difference between Donald Trump and an orangutan?

One is an orange beast that makes noise and flings crap at people. The other is an ape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75tirx/what_is_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and/
%
I vacationed to an island for the deaf

The people there enjoyed all the rights of any of us, but the freedom of speech was not aloud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75tiiq/i_vacationed_to_an_island_for_the_deaf/
%
Genie: I will grant you one wish.

Me: I wish for more wishes.
Genie: That wish, I cannot grant.
Me: I wish you’d reconsider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75takp/genie_i_will_grant_you_one_wish/
%
What's the hardest thing in the world?

Putting it in soft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ta0z/whats_the_hardest_thing_in_the_world/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75t9r8/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
My Wife laughed when I said I had the body of a 20 year old

Until I opened the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75t9gu/my_wife_laughed_when_i_said_i_had_the_body_of_a/
%
My penis was in the Guinness book of World records

Until the librarian told me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75t8ve/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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I don't have any money, so for Halloween this year I am going to be

evicted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75t3mb/i_dont_have_any_money_so_for_halloween_this_year/
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Which of Peter Parker's guardians would keep his secret?

His uncle wouldn't, but his aunt may.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75t348/which_of_peter_parkers_guardians_would_keep_his/
%
Why don't churches have WiFi?

Because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75t0vm/why_dont_churches_have_wifi/
%
I'm single by choice

Unfortunately it's not my choice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75t05e/im_single_by_choice/
%
I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was "You're pretty annoying." but I'm choosing to focus on the positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75t00z/i_got_called_pretty_yesterday_and_it_felt_good/
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A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon

One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.
When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely stuck. So they decided to call the doctor.
The doctor came, but couldn't get her off the floor, either. So he suggested calling a tiler.
The tiler came and quickly offered a solution: "We have to break the tile she's on."
"NO WAY, " the husband yelled - "those tiles are 100 dollars a piece. There must be another way?".
"Well," said the tiler. "You could kiss and caress her all over her body."
"Will that free her?" the husband wondered.
"No, but then we can slide her into the kitchen, where your tiles are only $2.50 a piece".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75szm0/a_young_woman_had_a_habit_of_doing_naked/
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I named my dog 6 miles

so i can tell people that i walk 6 miles every single day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75sz1w/i_named_my_dog_6_miles/
%
Did you know cats can jump higher than a house?

This is largely due to the cats powerful hind legs and the fact houses cant jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75syya/did_you_know_cats_can_jump_higher_than_a_house/
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I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it.

If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75syty/i_had_a_job_selling_security_alarms_door_to_door/
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Black guy walks into a bar...

Black guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. The barman notices a parrot on his shoulder an says "Oh cool!! Where did you find him!?"
The parrot says "Africa! There's thousands of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75syow/black_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I pointed to the night sky and said, "Look, it's a mo!"

"A mo?" asked my friend. "What's a mo?"
I said, "A half-moon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75sv3c/i_pointed_to_the_night_sky_and_said_look_its_a_mo/
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What do you call a lesbian delivering a truckload of dildos?

a fake Dick-Van Dyke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75sua6/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_delivering_a_truckload/
%
Why are circles always peaceful?

They don't have a side to pick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ssmw/why_are_circles_always_peaceful/
%
"Oh my goodness," said my wife, "our baby's kicking."

I said, "Yes. That's generally how football works."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ssm5/oh_my_goodness_said_my_wife_our_babys_kicking/
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It's a good thing that President Trump uses Twitter

It limits what he can say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ss9p/its_a_good_thing_that_president_trump_uses_twitter/
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I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75srsv/i_heard_reddit_likes_puns_so_i_posted_ten_of_them/
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Two blondes were driving to disneyland.

The sign said, "Disneyland Left". So they started crying and went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75sqv8/two_blondes_were_driving_to_disneyland/
%
Can a woman make you a Millionaire???

Yes, if your a Billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75sqfa/can_a_woman_make_you_a_millionaire/
%
Violets are blue, roses are red

We’re doing this backwards
That’s what she said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75spzl/violets_are_blue_roses_are_red/
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There was an old man in a small African village about to turn 100 years old.

Easily the oldest man around those parts, the local newspaper decides to run an article on him. They sent a reporter over to interview him and he asked all the usual questions, "Have you lived around here all of your life?" "What are some of the most memorable changes you've seen in your lifetime?" etc. The reporter then asked him about a time in his life when he was the most scared. In his old shaky voice, the old man replied. "When I was just a boy, me and some of my friends went hunting in the jungle. It was getting late, and I sat down next to a tree and I fell asleep. When I woke up, there was a lion staring me right in the face. The lion looked at me and roared fiercely. RRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! I just shit my pants!! The reporter said "Man! I don't blame you. I'd have shit my pants too." The old man replied, "No, no, not then. Just now, when I went RRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75sofa/there_was_an_old_man_in_a_small_african_village/
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What do you call two melons who can’t be married?

Cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75sn3i/what_do_you_call_two_melons_who_cant_be_married/
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Tom, Dick, and Harry go to heaven...[long]

St. Peter tells them "There is only one rule in heaven, you must never, ever step on a duck or your eternity in paradise will be ruined. The men don't give it much thought and enter through the pearly gates.
Much to their dismay, there are ducks everywhere. Hundreds of ducks are walking around. The men decide to explore heaven, doing their best to avoid the ducks as much as possible.
Well only a few hours go by before Tom steps on a duck. St. Peter appears with the ugliest woman they had ever seen. He says "For stepping on a duck, you will spend the rest of eternity chained to this woman" And he chains them together.
Dick and Harry continue to explore, being extra careful to avoid any ducks. A few days pass before Dick steps on a duck. Just like before, St. Peter appears with a woman even uglier than the first. He says "For stepping on a duck, you will spend the rest of eternity chained to this woman" And he chains them together.
Harry is determined to be as careful as possible. He goes on by himself and gets quite good at avoiding ducks, several weeks pass until one day St. Peter appears, but this time he brings a beautiful, gorgeous woman. Harry exclaims "Wow! What did I do to deserve this!?" The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75slwj/tom_dick_and_harry_go_to_heavenlong/
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Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?

They don't have any body to go out with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75sl5b/why_dont_skeletons_ever_go_trick_or_treating/
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How did the hikers know they'd stumbled into a linguist's campsite?

They walked past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75sj90/how_did_the_hikers_know_theyd_stumbled_into_a/
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Asked 100 women what shampoo they were using. 2 said Head and Shoulders

The other 98 replied "How did you get in here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75sg5k/asked_100_women_what_shampoo_they_were_using_2/
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I may be 37 but I got a body of a 15 year old

In my fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75sg0x/i_may_be_37_but_i_got_a_body_of_a_15_year_old/
%
If you have 12 chocolates and you give

Maths teacher: "If you have 12 chocolates and you give
5 to Priya,
3 to Sonia and
2 to Penny then what will you get?"
"3 new Girlfriends!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75sdil/if_you_have_12_chocolates_and_you_give/
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What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

They both can smell it, but they can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75sbg5/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_guy/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence. Then a gunshot is heard.
"Okay, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75s8q0/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
Son, you were adopted

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75s6e6/son_you_were_adopted/
%
After my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed.

My address, my job, my phone number...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75rzo5/after_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_everything/
%
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75rz8u/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar_and_find_his_way_to_a/
%
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

It was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75rwah/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
%
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75rvql/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_to_the_barman/
%
Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife...............

adjusting & cooperative wife, but it's sad that law allows only one wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75rslb/every_man_needs_a_beautiful_wife_intelligent_wife/
%
Did you hear about the time Helen Keller fell down a well?

Neither did she.
She screamed her hands off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75rpp6/did_you_hear_about_the_time_helen_keller_fell/
%
I asked my daughter to bring me my newspaper

She told me that newspapers are oldschool. She said me that people nowadays use tablets and handed me her iPad
That fly didn't stand a chance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ring/i_asked_my_daughter_to_bring_me_my_newspaper/
%
I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75rfx8/i_went_to_the_doctors_with_hearing_problems/
%
I've got diarrhoea, my dads got diarrhoea and my brothers got diarrhoea.

Runs in the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75rfs9/ive_got_diarrhoea_my_dads_got_diarrhoea_and_my/
%
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75rdej/one_day_a_little_boy_wrote_to_santa_clause_please/
%
I saw a book at the bookstore called "How to Solve 50% of your problem"

So I bought two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75rc25/i_saw_a_book_at_the_bookstore_called_how_to_solve/
%
Know who’s really good at seizing the day?

Epileptics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75r8pa/know_whos_really_good_at_seizing_the_day/
%
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.

He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her.
When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."
So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.
So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75r650/this_12_year_old_boy_was_in_bed_when_he_heard_his/
%
It would be weird if trees had boobs

Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75r53p/it_would_be_weird_if_trees_had_boobs/
%
There was three guys a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic they all went to hell for their sin and was standing in front of the devil.

The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with what ever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth.
So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of beer, the weed addict locked in a room full of weed.
1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict he comes out saying "Aww my dick hurts I'm never having sex again", poof back to earth.
Open the alcoholic room and he say "Im never having beer", and gets sent back to Earth.
Then the Devil opens the weed addicts room and the Weed addict punches the Devil in the face and says "you forgot my lighter bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75r2k9/there_was_three_guys_a_sex_addict_a_weed_addict/
%
Two pretzels were walking down the street

One of them got assaulted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75qy2k/two_pretzels_were_walking_down_the_street/
%
You are never too old to learn something new

...
I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES
English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je T'aime
German
Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu
Italian
Ti Amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian
As Tave Meliu
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia.
Nice Tits.
Get in the Truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75qww2/you_are_never_too_old_to_learn_something_new/
%
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

Damnit, some asshole has my pen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75qvh2/what_did_the_nurse_say_when_she_found_a_rectal/
%
A doctor and a lawyer are at a party...

People at the party keep coming up to the doctor and asking him for medical advice. The doctor gets aggravated that he cannot enjoy the party because of the constant medical questions. He notices that his lawyer friend is sitting peacefully in a corner and hasn't been disturbed all night.
The doctor walks over to the lawyer and asks him how he is able to go to parties without being bombarded with legal questions. The lawyer replies, "anytime someone asks me for legal advice I send them a bill in the mail." The doctor is ecstatic and decides he is going to do the same. When he gets home he writes out bills for everyone who had asked his advice that night.
The next day the doctor can barely contain his excitement as he walks down the street to deliver the bills. When he opens his mailbox, he is surprised that he's gotten a letter from his lawyer friend. When he opened the envelope he realized the lawyer had sent him a bill for the previous nights legal advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75qvfa/a_doctor_and_a_lawyer_are_at_a_party/
%
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75qu3g/the_owner_of_a_drug_store_walks_in_to_find_a_guy/
%
Why did it Take so long For Russia to abolish Communism?

The Leader was Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75qtuh/why_did_it_take_so_long_for_russia_to_abolish/
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What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75qiiq/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
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How Adam Got Eve

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will *never* have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want it or need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
"An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "what can I get for a rib?""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75qgxz/how_adam_got_eve/
%
A wife goes on a retreat for work.

When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her.
Furious, she questions her husband.
The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!"
So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her.
Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't even wear panties just ask your husband!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75qf2e/a_wife_goes_on_a_retreat_for_work/
%
Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees...

Apparently she stood him up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75qdyx/stephen_hawking_had_his_first_date_for_10_years/
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My father likes to wear women's clothes when he goes out on his sales calls.

He does a lot of transactions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75q9kf/my_father_likes_to_wear_womens_clothes_when_he/
%
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?" Boy says...

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75q9hx/girlfriend_am_i_pretty_or_ugly_boy_says/
%
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75q7m5/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US leader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75q4a4/whats_the_fluid_capacity_of_monica_lewinskys_mouth/
%
A blonde, a ginger and a brunette are all stuck on an island 100 miles away from any other land...

Thinking they have nothing to lose, they decide to each try swimming back to civilization.  The ginger goes first, but she can only swim 5 miles before she has to turn back. The brunette goes next, and she manages 25 miles, but she too becomes too tired and turns back.  Finally, the blonde goes.  She manages 50 miles, but becomes too tired and swims back to the island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75q485/a_blonde_a_ginger_and_a_brunette_are_all_stuck_on/
%
I read a suspense novel about suicide.

The ending really left me hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75q3k7/i_read_a_suspense_novel_about_suicide/
%
Anal sex is like hacking.

You go in through the backdoor and hope a log isn't found.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75q3gc/anal_sex_is_like_hacking/
%
My ex told me she had a stalker

I stayed in the bushes for hundreds of hours and still haven't found one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75q0r7/my_ex_told_me_she_had_a_stalker/
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We only use 10% of our brain at any given time. Imagine what we could do if we used 100%!

We only use 10% of our keyboard at any given time. Imagine what we could do if we -m0c918urpaweo8r nxym pqfkw8ef}cqj9p34f8m[nybh4nxh|f9f80923-r12c=r32u1m.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75pzxy/we_only_use_10_of_our_brain_at_any_given_time/
%
What kind of underwear do witches wear?

None. Better grip when flying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75pxcz/what_kind_of_underwear_do_witches_wear/
%
Why do cows wear bell?

Because their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75pxcr/why_do_cows_wear_bell/
%
What Is The Worst Part About Time Traveling Jokes?

**You already know the punchline.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75pvtl/what_is_the_worst_part_about_time_traveling_jokes/
%
in the next 50 years we will all be living under communism

because when AI will enslave us we will all be **equally** miserable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75pup1/in_the_next_50_years_we_will_all_be_living_under/
%
The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .

but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75pu6a/the_reason_why_saudi_arabia_has_so_much_money_is/
%
I let my brother name my twins.

He did fine with my daughter, Denise. But my son may never forgive him for naming him Denephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75pt9z/i_let_my_brother_name_my_twins/
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[ORIGINAL] (500)(500)(10)(100)

Sorry in advance if there are any grammatical errors, this isn't proofread and English isn't my first language
---
It all started during my first year of college; both my parents wanted me to take an engineering course but I wanted to take BS Criminology, so I can become a detective and fulfill my childhood dream. Since they were my parents and they had the final say, I took an engineering course, Mechanical Engineering to be exact.
The first day of class was pretty okay. I didn’t have a lot of major classes yet since I was still in my first year, but I did have the usual English class, Science class, and of course, Math class.
I hate Math, ever since I took it in high school. All that algebra, trigonometry stuff was just too complicated for me. After graduating from high school, I took a big sigh of relief knowing that I wouldn’t have to take all those again…but nope! I’m in an engineering course!
I stepped inside my Math class five minutes late since I lost track of the time while buying chicken nuggets from McDonald’s across the street.
“Are you Mr. Sanchez?” The professor said as he removed his reading glasses, “Zack Sanchez?”
“Yes, sir” I replied.
“Please take a seat beside Mr. Burton over there so we can get started.”
I sat on the vacant seat beside the Burton guy when he suddenly patted my back.
“Hi there!” He said with a big smile, “I’m Mr. Burton, but you can call me Nick!”
It didn’t seem like it on the first day but Nick was actually a Math GOD. He was one of the few bright spots of my first year Math class. You can ask him pretty much any math-related question, and he’ll quickly answer in less than 5 seconds. Once in a while, I even randomly ask him a math question to see if he still has it, but every time I ask, he still manages to answer. I’m not sure if his answers are correct since even I don’t know the answers, but hey, we became close friends because of this.
Fast-forward a year and my parents finally agreed to me shifting to BS Criminology. I told the news to Nick during one of our breaks.
“So, does that mean we won’t be classmates anymore?” Nick said with a frown on his face.
“Not really” I replied, “We might still have common classes like Philosophy or Psychology when we reach our third year. Besides, I’m not transferring schools, so we’ll see each other around.”
Nick’s frown disappeared and started smiling. I was his only close friend since he was a little ‘weird’ according to other people.
“Well, see you around Zack.” He said as he stood up.
“See you around, man.” I said, “Oh hey, by the way, what’s the derivative of x2+4x+4?”
“2x+4”
“You still got it Nick!” I said with a laugh as he left, “Still got it.”
Fast-forward three more years and I finally graduated. Apparently, after I told him I was shifting, I never saw him again, and I don’t think I’ll ever see him in the future either.
After graduating, I traveled to the United States to find a job. I stayed in Los Angeles for a while but I was unsuccessful in finding a job. I went to different cities, looking for job openings. Sacramento, Houston, Orlando, Boston, all unsuccessful. I ended up staying at New York where my aunt was living since I was running out of money and needed a place to stay.
“Six months trying to find a job?” My aunt asked while we were eating dinner, “That’s harsh.”
“Yeah well, I guess the world doesn’t need detectives right now.” I said.
“Detective?” My aunt said with a puzzled look on her face, “I recall the news saying that the NYPD is trying to find a new detective right now.”
“Really? What happened to their old detective?”
“Apparently he was shot while on an investigation.”
“Oh…that’s pretty sad.”
“Nah, I’m sure it’ll work out better for you.” My aunt said, “Go to NYPD tomorrow morning, I’m sure they’ll hire you.”
The following day, I woke up, got dressed and went to the NYPD headquarters. I entered the building and talked to the woman in the reception.
“Hi there, I heard you guys needed a detective, so I’m here to apply.” I said to the receptionist.
“Sure, sir, just walk into that room right there and Mr. Kay would interview you.” She replied.
I walked inside the room where an old man with white hair wearing a black suit was sitting behind his desk.
“I’m here for the job application.” I said politely.
“The detective?” He said, “Oh yeah sure, you’re hired.”
“What, really?” I asked.
“Yeah, our old detective was shot, and we’re in desperate need for a new one.” He said, “As for your first assignment, you are to investigate three Frenchmen who are said to be cannibals. They kidnap people every night to be eaten as dinner, not only that but they’re also armed with high-powered rifles, hence how our old detective died.”
“Isn’t that a little too extreme for my first assignment?”
“Don’t worry, you’ll be accompanied by two of our best men. One’s an engineer and the other’s our senior police officer.”
“Engineer?”
“Yep, he was supposed to graduate next year but he was basically a prodigy and finished engineering a year early, his name is Nick Burton. Oh, speak of the devil, here they come now.”
Nick and a random Asian dude walked into the room. To my surprise, it was the same Nick I was classmates with three years ago.
“Zack?” Nick said, “Is that you?”
“Nick!” I shouted as I gave him a hug, “Long time, no see! What’s the square root of 3481?”
“59” He answered, “Nice to see you too, Zack.”
“Since you guys seem to know each other, I’ll just introduce you to our senior police officer, Wang Si Qi.” Mr. Kay said. “He’ll protect you guys in case things get out of hand.”
“When do we start?” I asked Mr. Kay.
“Oh, right now!”
The three of us left HQ in a black Ford van. The generic black van used for kidnapping, even though we aren’t kidnappers but instead, the police. We entered a warehouse where the Frenchmen were hiding for a week. We found traces of human blood, burnt wood, and pieces of cloth; other than that, nothing.
“I’ll go inspect the back of the warehouse.” Wang Si Qi said.
“Sure, Mr. Wang” I replied.
“Call me Si.” He said, “Hearing ‘Mr. Wang’ makes me feel old.”
Si went to the back of the warehouse while Nick and I stayed to investigate.
“What happened?” Nick asked.
“Seems like they dragged the body here.” I said, “They might’ve eaten the body here as well.”
“No, I meant during college. We never saw each other ever since that day.”
“Bad luck maybe. It might be that our schedules didn’t match so we never had a common break time. But it’s okay, at least we’re together again.”
We suddenly heard gunshots from the back of the warehouse. I quickly ran to the source of the sound and told Nick to stay near the van, just in case we needed to escape.
I ran outside but Si was nowhere to be found. I walked around for a couple of minutes and saw a trail of blood leading to another warehouse. I took a peek inside the warehouse through a small window and saw three people sitting around a bonfire, eating dismembered body parts of a person I assume was Si.
I quickly ran back to the van and told Nick to start it.
I got inside and immediately shouted, “Floor it, Nick. We have to get out of here and call for backup.”
“Why what happened out there?” Nick asked, “What’s wrong?”
“The French ate Si!” I said.
“It’s not time for that! Tell me what happened!”
“I told you, the French ate Si!” I said again.
“Zero!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75psww/original_50050010100/
%
Do you know the company that makes double sided coins?

You should see the headquarters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ps89/do_you_know_the_company_that_makes_double_sided/
%
What did one gay sperm say to the other?

How do we get out of this shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75pq0q/what_did_one_gay_sperm_say_to_the_other/
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane

when the stranger turned to her and said: "Let's talk, I am sure that flights are faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?" The girl asked.
"Ok," he said "That could be an interesting topic!"
The girl continues: "But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"The stranger thinks about it and says:"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies:"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75pprk/a_stranger_was_seated_next_to_a_little_girl_on/
%
I live in Canada and I took a test today

I got an Eh+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75pmpb/i_live_in_canada_and_i_took_a_test_today/
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My wife left me because I was too cocky

So I just told her to close the door on her way back in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75pm54/my_wife_left_me_because_i_was_too_cocky/
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*knock knock"

Who's there?
Nick.
Nick who?
Nick started crying, realizing  that his grandmother dementia has gotten a lot worse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75pl2j/knock_knock/
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A good deal

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75pjpe/a_good_deal/
%
The Queen and President Trump meet for the first time

After the usual head of state niceties, Donald gets down to the real reason for his visit:
"Liz, I want to be a king. How do I make that happen?"
The queen sighs. "You can't be a king, you don't have a kingdom."
"OK" he says. "Let's go bigger. I want to be an Emperor. Make me one."
The queen appears unphased by his breach of courtly etiquette: "to be an emperor, you need an empire and you hardly have one of those."
Donald looks perplexed for a moment before noticing Charles and Philip nearby.
"A prince then? I want to be a prince."
"Sorry", she says, "you can't be one of those either. You don't have a principality."
His brow furrows in consternation.
"A duke?"
"Sorry Donald, you need a Duchy."
"Fine!" He exclaims. "What _do_ I have?"
The queen thinks for a moment.
"Donald" she says, "you have a country."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75phu3/the_queen_and_president_trump_meet_for_the_first/
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In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay sex scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene

Weinstein said that the sex scene usually takes place before he approves a movie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75peaa/in_the_original_good_will_hunting_script_there_is/
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Do you know why libraries don't have books about suicide?

They never get returned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75pc7o/do_you_know_why_libraries_dont_have_books_about/
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I can't listen to my Vivaldi records.

They're all baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75p9u3/i_cant_listen_to_my_vivaldi_records/
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I never believe anything constipated people have to say...

They're so full of shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75p8ye/i_never_believe_anything_constipated_people_have/
%
You know what sucks?

Negative Pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75p534/you_know_what_sucks/
%
Did you know that most coffee flavorings have a low pH?

Except pumpkin spice because it's so basic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75oyci/did_you_know_that_most_coffee_flavorings_have_a/
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What's the difference between a large pizza and a PhD in math?

A large pizza can feed a family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75oxb3/whats_the_difference_between_a_large_pizza_and_a/
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Trump has two brains: left and right

Just that on the left, there’s nothing right;
On the right, there’s nothing left...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ownx/trump_has_two_brains_left_and_right/
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Tit for Tat

I'm Tat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75owll/tit_for_tat/
%
I told my wife to make sure the coconut oil is mixed nicely with the kale

so I can easily scrape it into the garbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ovbi/i_told_my_wife_to_make_sure_the_coconut_oil_is/
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Saudi Arabian seems really behind on the times.

It's like they're living under Iraq or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75osfq/saudi_arabian_seems_really_behind_on_the_times/
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What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75op9b/what_has_four_legs_is_big_green_fuzzy_and_if_it/
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I’ve spent the day in a German police station.

Word to the wise… Don’t go hailing a taxi in Germany like you do in other countries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ool2/ive_spent_the_day_in_a_german_police_station/
%
I'd kill to be a mortician

That way I'd always have a job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75onx6/id_kill_to_be_a_mortician/
%
Why do Macs run hotter than PCs?

Because they don't have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75omis/why_do_macs_run_hotter_than_pcs/
%
My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby.

Apparently they meant from the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75oj7a/my_friends_girlfriend_is_6_months_pregnant_they/
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What do a prostitute and an insurance broker have in common? (nsfw-ish)

No matter how much money you give them, you're still just getting fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ogr7/what_do_a_prostitute_and_an_insurance_broker_have/
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An angry woman on her period...

Is clearly ovarie-acting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ociv/an_angry_woman_on_her_period/
%
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim."

That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75o8qa/instead_of_the_john_i_call_my_toilet_the_jim/
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Can we make mean jokes in this sub?

Guy: You're average.
Girl: You're mean!
Guy: No, you are!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75o25w/can_we_make_mean_jokes_in_this_sub/
%
Copper and Tin joined the Olympics the other day

Sadly they both tied on Bronze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75o1zk/copper_and_tin_joined_the_olympics_the_other_day/
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What do you call the boy with no legs and no arms?

Names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75o1wa/what_do_you_call_the_boy_with_no_legs_and_no_arms/
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My favourite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75o1c0/my_favourite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
%
An old lady visits her doctor...

...and says to him:
"Doctor, I have a problem. I keep farting all day long, luckily they don't smell and are dead silent, can you do something to make it stop?"
"Take these pills and come back after a week for a checkup."
One week later she comes by and says:
"Doctor! Not only didn't the farting stop, but now they are smelly as a landfill!"
The doctor replies:
"Calm down, miss. I cured your sense of smell, now to do something about that hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75o164/an_old_lady_visits_her_doctor/
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Google announced a better speech recognition rate for its AI than for humans. I really love Google!

It understands me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75o0cg/google_announced_a_better_speech_recognition_rate/
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Why are all programmers drug addicts?

Cause they do a lot of codeine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75nrss/why_are_all_programmers_drug_addicts/
%
They say a man's penis is linked to the size of the car he has... I've got a mini

That's why I drive a very big car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75nqtw/they_say_a_mans_penis_is_linked_to_the_size_of/
%
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classical conditioning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75nqo5/why_was_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
%
Apparently incredulousness is increasing amongst millennials

I don’t believe it for a second

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75npbz/apparently_incredulousness_is_increasing_amongst/
%
A woman on her period is like a chainsaw

yank on the string and she'll make alot of noise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75noiq/a_woman_on_her_period_is_like_a_chainsaw/
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Why don't astronauts like open sores on their penis?

They burn upon reentry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75nobz/why_dont_astronauts_like_open_sores_on_their_penis/
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This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs and she said "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75nnlt/this_morning_i_was_beaten_up_by_a_busty_woman_in/
%
2 bats are hanging upside down in a tree when one suddenly flys off.

5 minutes later the bat comes back with blood all over his face and dripping out of his mouth.
The other bat with a burning hunger looked at him and asked, “How the hell did you get that this early in the morning??”
The other bat says, “Do you see that big tree over there to the left?”
“Yes!” Replies the other bat excitedly.
“Well I didn’t”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75nmev/2_bats_are_hanging_upside_down_in_a_tree_when_one/
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God loves drunks too

A man is woken up at 3am to the sound of loud knocking at his door. He opens the door and finds a completely soaked man standing in the rain.
"Please help give me a push?" he asks with a drunken slur.
"No," replies the man and slams the door in his face.
"Who was that?" asks his wife as he climbs into bed.
"Some drunk guy asking for a push."
"Don't you remember 2 months ago when we needed a push? God loves drunks too. You should help him out."
The man sighs, gets dressed and walks into the pouring rain. "Hello? Are you still there?"
"Yes!"
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes, please!"
"Where are you? I can't see you in the dark."
"I'm over here, on the swing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75nksn/god_loves_drunks_too/
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What might an English pimp do, after having tea & crumpets?

Tally Hoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75njjd/what_might_an_english_pimp_do_after_having_tea/
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Gorilla dying of old age.

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75nhg0/gorilla_dying_of_old_age/
%
Did you know that you can transfer into a much higher paying job in IT with almost no training?

Apparently its all about networking...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75nc9n/did_you_know_that_you_can_transfer_into_a_much/
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What do you call a rude convict going downstairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75n3y1/what_do_you_call_a_rude_convict_going_downstairs/
%
So my classmate asked why I have two laptops...

I replied: "One is for work, the other is a macbook"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75n2um/so_my_classmate_asked_why_i_have_two_laptops/
%
What's worse than the US Men's Soccer Team?

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75n2bv/whats_worse_than_the_us_mens_soccer_team/
%
a stupid joke I made up

what do you call a shaking duck?
an earth quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75mx2x/a_stupid_joke_i_made_up/
%
As of today, I am no longer a 30 year old virgin

Now I'm a 31 year old virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75mryt/as_of_today_i_am_no_longer_a_30_year_old_virgin/
%
A blonde is working on a puzzle...

She calls her husband over and says, "This is the hardest jigsaw puzzle I've ever seen in my whole life!"
The husband responds, "What do you mean, honey?"
She says, "Well there's a picture of a tiger on the box, but looking at all these pieces, I don't see how in the world this is going to ever make picture of a tiger."
The husband says, "That's alright honey, let's just put all the cereal back in the box."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75mo08/a_blonde_is_working_on_a_puzzle/
%
Advice for young women:

Men are like linoleum flooring. If you lay it correctly the first time, you can walk all over them for 30 + years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75mhbf/advice_for_young_women/
%
Between 200 pounds of bricks and 200 pounds of feathers, 200 pounds of feathers is heavier

200 pounds of bricks is just a bunch of bricks, but if you try to carry 200 pounds of feathers, you'll also have to carry the weight of what you did to those birds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75melb/between_200_pounds_of_bricks_and_200_pounds_of/
%
What if Stephen Hawking is the real slim shady

But we never knew because he can't stand up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75mb47/what_if_stephen_hawking_is_the_real_slim_shady/
%
Did you know penguins scream whilst having sex?

Maybe not all of them? But definitely the one I cornered at the Zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75mawf/did_you_know_penguins_scream_whilst_having_sex/
%
My sister made me some coffee today

Me: You make a mean cup of coffee, sis
Her: It was good?
Me: I just said it was average.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75m5o7/my_sister_made_me_some_coffee_today/
%
A girl told me today that I had a nice name.

"Thanks, I got it for my birthday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75m41q/a_girl_told_me_today_that_i_had_a_nice_name/
%
What do you call a flaccid snake?

A reptile distinction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75m3hh/what_do_you_call_a_flaccid_snake/
%
A restaurant in my town just started serving human body parts.

They've really got a leg up on the competition now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ltw8/a_restaurant_in_my_town_just_started_serving/
%
My brother just hit me with a milk carton

How dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ls60/my_brother_just_hit_me_with_a_milk_carton/
%
How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute"

but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75lo9b/how_come_when_a_video_of_a_squirrel_putting_a_nut/
%
I for one...

Like Roman Numerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ln3m/i_for_one/
%
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? NSFW

Nothing. They were stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75lmrd/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon_nsfw/
%
Ugly Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to have a talk with the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75llbo/ugly_faces/
%
I’m moving to California to become a real estate agent...

I heard the market is on fire!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ljld/im_moving_to_california_to_become_a_real_estate/
%
People think my room is a mess, but it's actually very organized

Everything is sorted by date of last use. If I used it recently, it's on top of something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75lfs3/people_think_my_room_is_a_mess_but_its_actually/
%
A piece of space trash wanted to ask a spaceship to homecoming.

They slid past each other in orbit. I guess he wasn't *inclined* enough!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75le5h/a_piece_of_space_trash_wanted_to_ask_a_spaceship/
%
How does an alcoholic keep up their morale?

With More ale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ld7p/how_does_an_alcoholic_keep_up_their_morale/
%
Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore

So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75lcjc/me_and_my_wife_decided_that_we_dont_want_to_have/
%
Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75lblh/dont_ever_take_a_sleeping_pill_and_a_laxative_at/
%
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75la6p/a_man_tells_his_doctor_doc_help_me_im_addicted_to/
%
Yesterday evening, a friend of mine was thrown out by his girlfriend because he measured his penis.

For protocol, it goes to the throat of her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75l8l4/yesterday_evening_a_friend_of_mine_was_thrown_out/
%
Why does North Korea order so many books?

Because they have a Supreme Reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75l7kw/why_does_north_korea_order_so_many_books/
%
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

"Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75l7hj/helvetica_and_times_new_roman_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I have a friend who is a cross dressing dwarf. Does that mean he's gay?

I means he's a little gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75kzcx/i_have_a_friend_who_is_a_cross_dressing_dwarf/
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Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop pouring maple syrup on his bike?

Apparently he's stuck in a viscous cycle.
[just made this up \^_\^]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75kwpu/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_couldnt_stop/
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The blacksmith only sold items he crafted himself. Like his father taught him...

He who smelt it, dealt it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ktwz/the_blacksmith_only_sold_items_he_crafted_himself/
%
How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already LIT!
(Bonus:
-What do you call a stoner who recently broke up with his girlfriend?
-Homeless)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75kt6e/how_many_stoners_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I was on PornHub when an ad popped up. It said, "Do you want a bigger penis?!?!?!"

Yes, that's why I'm watching porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75kpq1/i_was_on_pornhub_when_an_ad_popped_up_it_said_do/
%
Did you hear about the bank conference where no one turned up?

Apparently there was 0 interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75kort/did_you_hear_about_the_bank_conference_where_no/
%
I tried to get my wife to call my dick the "Original X-Box."

But she keeps on calling it "Microsoft."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ko3z/i_tried_to_get_my_wife_to_call_my_dick_the/
%
Why are submarines more dangerous than regular ships?

They're built with sub-standard materials.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75kk9a/why_are_submarines_more_dangerous_than_regular/
%
My favourite thing to do is to walk into book stores and say “Hello! I'm looking for a book titled ‘How to deal with rejection without killing’.”

“Do you have it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75khjz/my_favourite_thing_to_do_is_to_walk_into_book/
%
What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75kgn9/what_time_did_sean_connery_arrive_at_wimbledon/
%
People keep thinking jesus will come back...

Cmon guys, he was tied to a cross, not a boomerang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75kfss/people_keep_thinking_jesus_will_come_back/
%
What did the blonde's left knee say to its right knee?

Nothing. They've never met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75kevc/what_did_the_blondes_left_knee_say_to_its_right/
%
When a martial arts practitioner gets hurt...

it's called a ninjury.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ke9r/when_a_martial_arts_practitioner_gets_hurt/
%
I was arrested for stealing a clock

It's okay, I have the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75k86d/i_was_arrested_for_stealing_a_clock/
%
Between my friends, museum is code word for Strip Clubs...

... because NO TOUCHING!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75k717/between_my_friends_museum_is_code_word_for_strip/
%
What did one hurricane say to the other?

I was very concerned my first grader was about to say "blow me" in the middle of a busy store, but "I've got my eye on you" was the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75k3op/what_did_one_hurricane_say_to_the_other/
%
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I threw my hands up and said, “Honey, it’s not what it looks like!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75k2fr/my_wife_walked_in_on_me_masturbating_to_an/
%
Please enter a new password: _____

*Fills in the blank*
MYPENIS
ERROR: Not long enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75jz5s/please_enter_a_new_password/
%
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75jucv/as_an_airplane_is_about_to_crash_a_female/
%
Why don't atheists solve exponential equations?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ju82/why_dont_atheists_solve_exponential_equations/
%
I once mixed Red Bull and coffee

After 20 minutes on highway I noticed that I forgot my car at home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ju5q/i_once_mixed_red_bull_and_coffee/
%
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75jrfb/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table_the_son_asks_the/
%
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75jmvu/why_does_north_korea_excel_at_drawing_straight/
%
What gets longer when pulled, fits cozily between breasts, glides neatly into a hole, chokes you when used incorrectly, and works nicely when jerked?

A seatbealt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75jibr/what_gets_longer_when_pulled_fits_cozily_between/
%
A lot of people think that IPhone X price is too much, and no one will buy it.

But over the last week people paid over $800 for a packet of sauce, so anything must be possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ji3j/a_lot_of_people_think_that_iphone_x_price_is_too/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

North Korea's long range missiles don't reach that far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75jc2e/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Hows the ass doing

A lady returns from the doctor's with a huge grin. Her husband says "You seem happy" The wife says "The doctor said for a 45 year old I have the breasts of an 18 year old."  "And what did he say about your 45 year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75jbro/hows_the_ass_doing/
%
Most people like their eggs fried or scrambled, I like mine baked...

in cookies, brownies and cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75jbak/most_people_like_their_eggs_fried_or_scrambled_i/
%
At first I was a tree

I was petrified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75j7te/at_first_i_was_a_tree/
%
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple

He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband replies "he wants my license!"
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!"
As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful."
The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75j6q5/a_police_officer_pulls_over_an_elderly_couple/
%
What are you going to be for Halloween?

Working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75j10p/what_are_you_going_to_be_for_halloween/
%
When I was younger, I felt like I was trapped inside a womens body

Then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75j0l7/when_i_was_younger_i_felt_like_i_was_trapped/
%
They say one-liners are the lowest form of comedy

That's why I only tell my jokes to midgets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75iz7g/they_say_oneliners_are_the_lowest_form_of_comedy/
%
My girlfriend is actually a solution

... of equation x²+1=0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ixnk/my_girlfriend_is_actually_a_solution/
%
What's the difference between American girls and Muslim girls?

American girls get stoned BEFORE sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ixjq/whats_the_difference_between_american_girls_and/
%
What An Ugly Duck…

My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”
The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ixif/what_an_ugly_duck/
%
Will Trump ever apologize for calling Kim Jong-Un a "rocket man"?

Well I think it's going to be a long, long time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75iorv/will_trump_ever_apologize_for_calling_kim_jongun/
%
Today I pitched a new web software to Apple to replace Safari...

it raised a few iBrowse :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ij8k/today_i_pitched_a_new_web_software_to_apple_to/
%
The Flat Earth Society is a very large organization.

They have members from all around the globe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ihc9/the_flat_earth_society_is_a_very_large/
%
A gay security guard was fired from from his job at the Sperm bank

He was caught drinking at the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75igxe/a_gay_security_guard_was_fired_from_from_his_job/
%
I wanted to buy a motorcycle

But I'm too tired to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ica7/i_wanted_to_buy_a_motorcycle/
%
How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ic2h/how_do_you_cure_someone_with_a_pumpkin_spice/
%
Why did the coffee file a police report?

He was mugged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ib4v/why_did_the_coffee_file_a_police_report/
%
What do Margaret thatcher and Jimmy Saville have in common?

They both fuck miners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ib4p/what_do_margaret_thatcher_and_jimmy_saville_have/
%
What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ia96/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_and_finding/
%
My boss asked why I was already late twice this week

"Because it's only Tuesday" I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75i99e/my_boss_asked_why_i_was_already_late_twice_this/
%
What did Trump say when his test scores were lower than expected?

“Fake IQs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75i8i4/what_did_trump_say_when_his_test_scores_were/
%
I made a chicken salad this morning

Stupid thing won't even eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75i8e5/i_made_a_chicken_salad_this_morning/
%
What do you call a traffic jam in Compton?

A blood clot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75i2vj/what_do_you_call_a_traffic_jam_in_compton/
%
The 7 dwarves are in the bath, all feeling happy

So he got out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75i0rz/the_7_dwarves_are_in_the_bath_all_feeling_happy/
%
A panda walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75hxqo/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the guy with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75hup9/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_5_penises/
%
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75hsp5/a_string_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_few_friends_and/
%
A dad says to his son, "if you masturbate you'll go blind"

The son replies, "I'm over here, dad".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75hpwd/a_dad_says_to_his_son_if_you_masturbate_youll_go/
%
Two ants walk in the zoo...

Two ants walk in the zoo. They see an elephant and the first ant has an idea.
"Hey elephant, I bet you cant step on this bread crump right here!"
The elephant steps on it.
The ant speaks again:
"Hey, I bet you can't put this bread crump on your head."
The elephant looks confused, and puts it on his head.
The ants laugh:
"Man, thats a BIG fucking sandwich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ho3i/two_ants_walk_in_the_zoo/
%
What does a baby computer call its father?

Data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75hiar/what_does_a_baby_computer_call_its_father/
%
I fell asleep during surgery

My patient unfortunately passed away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75hh9x/i_fell_asleep_during_surgery/
%
Did you hear about two guys stole a calendar?

**They each got 6 months.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75hgtu/did_you_hear_about_two_guys_stole_a_calendar/
%
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75hec1/a_man_decides_to_take_the_opportunity_while_his/
%
A lion and lioness were chilling in their den

Suddenly they heard a dog barking outside, "Get your coward ass out here".  The lioness was furious and said, "You are afraid of a dog? You should do something." But the lion remained calm. The dog barked again, "If you call yourself King of the jungle, come out motherfucker."
The lioness was losing her mind over her husband not doing anything but the lion said its okay and that he will go away in some time.
The dog didn't stop here and said, "Little faggot, come out here so I can kick your ass".
The lion didn't utter a word, but the lioness did not hold back this time and said "I don't understand why you are not doing anything" and ran out to teach the dog a lesson. As the lioness approached the dog, he ran as fast as he could into a narrow lane which had a tree whose trunk had a large hole carved through it. The dog jumped through it, the lioness also jumped through it but got stuck. The dog returned with a wicked smile on his face and fucked the stuck lioness hard in the ass and then left. After a lot of trouble, the lioness got out and walked  into the den shamefully. Seeing her the lion said, "Now you know why".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75h5r4/a_lion_and_lioness_were_chilling_in_their_den/
%
A blond walks into a library while talking on her phone.

When she gets to the front desk she says, "I will have two cheese burgers and s large french fry."
The librarian looks and her and says, "ma'am, this is a library."
The blond looks around and sees all of the shelves full of books. She is very embarrassed, hangs up her phone, and leans forward to whisper, "I will have two cheese burgers and a large fry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75h5lq/a_blond_walks_into_a_library_while_talking_on_her/
%
Chuck Norris actually died 6 years ago

The Grim Reaper just hasn't had the courage to tell him yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75h4be/chuck_norris_actually_died_6_years_ago/
%
I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75h0dl/i_dont_normally_see_eye_to_eye_with_most_trump/
%
Never try to understand women

Women understand women and they hate each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75gzzp/never_try_to_understand_women/
%
Why do people sleep in the woods?

For rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75gyy3/why_do_people_sleep_in_the_woods/
%
I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75gv3l/i_only_had_one_goal_in_life_to_become_a_better/
%
Women are like tea...

You always have to wait for it to get ready

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75gu6i/women_are_like_tea/
%
A man tells his wife before he goes to bed, "I'm gonna go get your aspirin"

The wife says, "Aspirin? I don't have a headache."
"Ah, HAH!!" The man exclaimed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75gs1j/a_man_tells_his_wife_before_he_goes_to_bed_im/
%
What did the Arts major say to the Science major?

Do you want fries with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75gmks/what_did_the_arts_major_say_to_the_science_major/
%
John: Carl, why do you have a bandage on your ear?

Carl: I was ironing my shirts and my phone rang. I picked up the iron instead of the the phone and burned my ear.
John: I get that. But why do you have a bandage on the other ear?
Carl: Well, the phone rang again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75gkzu/john_carl_why_do_you_have_a_bandage_on_your_ear/
%
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75gjaf/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75gh9z/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_three_beers/
%
Did you hear about the dog that gave birth on the sidewalk?

She was given a ticket for littering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75gg15/did_you_hear_about_the_dog_that_gave_birth_on_the/
%
I read a book about how they used to build ships.

It was riveting!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75g8y0/i_read_a_book_about_how_they_used_to_build_ships/
%
When I was young, my astrologer said I was born for bigger things in life

Pretty accurate prediction!!  I moved from  S to M to L to XL to XXL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75g8fz/when_i_was_young_my_astrologer_said_i_was_born/
%
What do you call a rooster drawing a doodle?

Cock-a-doodle-do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75g5go/what_do_you_call_a_rooster_drawing_a_doodle/
%
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven

At the gate, St Peter said they could come in - but as a reward for having  led absolutely blameless lives, he would allow them all to return to Earth  in the body of anyone, living or dead, at any time of  their lives, for 6 months.
The first thought a bit, and said she would like to be Sophia Loren, when she was at the height of her affair.
This was granted to her.
The second thought, as she was a bit more modern, she wanted to be Madonna, the pop-star one, at the time of filming her "Sex" video.
And this was granted to her.
The third said she would like to return as Sara Pippillinni. St Peter frowned, got her to repeat it, and checked the books of all the living and dead. No Sara Pippillinni. After some time, he told her, "Sister, you have made a mistake, there was no Sara Pippillinni."
Without a word, the nun took a newspaper clipping from her robes, and St Peter read,
"Sahara Pipeline. Laid by 6000 men in 6 months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75g4tv/three_italian_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
"Doctor, help me. I always poop at 8 o'clock in the morning"

"so what's the problem?"
"I wake up at 9"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75fzrk/doctor_help_me_i_always_poop_at_8_oclock_in_the/
%
Bono asked for silence at a gig in Scotland...

In the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the silence: "Well fuckin' stop doin' it then ya evil bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75fw61/bono_asked_for_silence_at_a_gig_in_scotland/
%
Diarrhea has been proved to be hereditary.

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75fuys/diarrhea_has_been_proved_to_be_hereditary/
%
Dad says to son: "Okay, time to talk about sex"

Son: "Dad, I'm 27, what do you want to talk about?"
Dad: "Show me how to watch porn on a phone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75fsee/dad_says_to_son_okay_time_to_talk_about_sex/
%
"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."

"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75frnl/if_women_ruled_the_world_said_my_wife_thered_be/
%
My Dad has a strange hobby, he likes to collect empty liquor bottles...

...well it sounds so much better than calling him an alcoholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75frgz/my_dad_has_a_strange_hobby_he_likes_to_collect/
%
What's the difference between a hedgehog and a range rover

The hedgehog has pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75fpu0/whats_the_difference_between_a_hedgehog_and_a/
%
I tried uploading a picture of the Titanic to OneDrive

... But it just kept syncing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75fhu3/i_tried_uploading_a_picture_of_the_titanic_to/
%
An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off.
The bartender agrees.
The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Australian hits him over the head with a bottle, causing the croc to open his mouth and let the guy withdraw his penis.
The bartender starts serving the free drinks to the Austr alian and then tells everyone in the bar "If anyone else can do that then I will give them free drinks also".
There is a pause and then a blonde woman calls out "ok, I will do it but please don't hit me so hard over my head with the bottle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75fcgf/an_australian_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a/
%
I'll never forget the day I almost beat sister Mary in the 300K

The feeling was second to nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75f4sd/ill_never_forget_the_day_i_almost_beat_sister/
%
Why shouldn't you shower with a pokemon around?

He might Pikachu!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75f34p/why_shouldnt_you_shower_with_a_pokemon_around/
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Two redditors give birth to identical twins

They marvel at how beautiful the first kid is. "This is the cutest thing I have ever seen."
When they saw the second baby, they had only a single word to describe their reaction.
"Repost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ezx7/two_redditors_give_birth_to_identical_twins/
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What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?

They both bang their fingers for a living.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ez68/what_do_carpenters_and_camgirls_have_in_common/
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What did the two boobs say to each other?

We are going to be breast friends.
*Badum tits*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75eyg0/what_did_the_two_boobs_say_to_each_other/
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A group of people were hospitalised after a calculus midterm.

The cops said they were drinking and deriving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75exk8/a_group_of_people_were_hospitalised_after_a/
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A boy's new dog

There once was a teenage boy, who had just saved up money to buy himself a dog. As he was going to the pet store to fill out
forums for the dog, one of the workers asked the boy out of curiosity "So, depending on the type of dog, what name are you going to call it?" The boy thought for a moment, and replied "Well, if it's a boy dog, I'm going to name it Rex. But if it's a girl dog, I think I'll name it after my ex girlfriend." The nurse replied "That's nice and all, but why after an ex girlfriend?" The boy replied "Because she was a bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75exhj/a_boys_new_dog/
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I know a communism joke

But it's only funny if EVERYONE gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75evqm/i_know_a_communism_joke/
%
I'm really thankful that Disney/Pixar brought us Toy Story

It means I can go to Toys R Us and walk out with a Woody without it being awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75eq30/im_really_thankful_that_disneypixar_brought_us/
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Need some practice

An african local was walking back to his home through the wild Savannahs when a Lion happen to pass by.
The Lion looked at the  local man and moved towards him in way that suggested he was looking for lunch.
The man though had his trusty rifle with  him and pulled it out, aimed at the animal and pulled the trigger.
Unfortunately he missed and the Lion jumped right at him. Fortunately enough though the Lion misjudged the distance and jumped a little too high. The man ducked and saw an opening and ran straight away.
The man made it to his home but was unhappy with his marksmenship and decide that he train in the backyard right now as it nearly cost him his life.
He placed an object 15 metres away and started his target practice.  Practice was going well  but all the while he would hear a strange noise coming from the  nearby bushes but he never allowed it to interfere  with practice.
But once he was satisfied with his aim he stopped his target practice and decided to check what was causing this strange noise.
He went over looked through the bushes and lo and behold he saw the Lion jumping jumping back and fro practicing his short jumps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75eop9/need_some_practice/
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How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl scream

Ten tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75em36/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_japanese/
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I like my beer like I like my violence...

Shotgunned in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75eh2k/i_like_my_beer_like_i_like_my_violence/
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An Indian and a cowboy were buffalo hunting together

The Indian suddenly knelt down, pressed his ear against the ground and said "Buffalo come."
The cowboy was amazed by this and asked him "how do you know this?"
The Indian replied: "Sticky."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75edf3/an_indian_and_a_cowboy_were_buffalo_hunting/
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AT&T and T-Mobile get married

Nobody wanted to be at the wedding and the reception was still shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75e8ge/att_and_tmobile_get_married/
%
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at a bar drinking,

when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. About then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That’s my horse, what’s wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "just though I’d let you know you left your Injun running."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75e7zr/the_lone_ranger_and_tonto_were_at_a_bar_drinking/
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Why can't rednecks do reverse cowgirl?

Because you never turn your back on family!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75e3jy/why_cant_rednecks_do_reverse_cowgirl/
%
What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pump kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75e084/what_do_hillbillies_do_on_halloween/
%
There once was a young man who wanted to become a great writer...

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75dzu8/there_once_was_a_young_man_who_wanted_to_become_a/
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What do you call a C-average med school student?

Doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75dxzt/what_do_you_call_a_caverage_med_school_student/
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While most puns make me feel numb,

Math puns always makes me feel number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75dxua/while_most_puns_make_me_feel_numb/
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How is broccoli like buttsex?

If you have a bad experience with it as a child you probably won't enjoy it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75dxdm/how_is_broccoli_like_buttsex/
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Giving advice to an idiot is very much like gifting dildo to a girl...

You know they need it but they will throw it in your face and call you a weirdo instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75dq93/giving_advice_to_an_idiot_is_very_much_like/
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Urology department,

Can you please hold?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75dpp9/urology_department/
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Dear people who don’t write capital letters,

We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75dc6e/dear_people_who_dont_write_capital_letters/
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My son was driving me mad. "Dad!" he yelled. "I can't get the book down from the shelf!"

I said, "Knock it off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75d8bt/my_son_was_driving_me_mad_dad_he_yelled_i_cant/
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Why will you never catch a porn addict looking at you?

Because they always use a private window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75d7kn/why_will_you_never_catch_a_porn_addict_looking_at/
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My friend was telling me about how his Swedish car was totaled in an accident

I told him to spare me his Saab story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75d6uo/my_friend_was_telling_me_about_how_his_swedish/
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Til: diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75d5pv/til_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
Why does Aladdin travel on a magic carpet?

He's on the no fly list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75d1mb/why_does_aladdin_travel_on_a_magic_carpet/
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I've been reading a scientific paper on the effects of group masturbation

It's rather long so I need someone to help me finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75cvuy/ive_been_reading_a_scientific_paper_on_the/
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Most of hotel's coffee's nowadays is like making love in a canoe

It's fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75cugo/most_of_hotels_coffees_nowadays_is_like_making/
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What did the first neuron say to the other neuron?

I'm excited!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75csls/what_did_the_first_neuron_say_to_the_other_neuron/
%
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.
I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75cq2l/a_police_officer_stopped_a_motorist_who_was/
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Why can’t ghosts have babies?

Because they have halloweenies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75cplm/why_cant_ghosts_have_babies/
%
April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring?

Genocide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75cpgs/april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.

As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75cmgf/a_young_bride_and_groomtobe_had_just_selected_the/
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When I spin around my sexual desire increases.

I think it's an aphrodizzyac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75clc1/when_i_spin_around_my_sexual_desire_increases/
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My friend asked me if I like hunting dogs.

I said, "Not really. They usually get away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75cikx/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_like_hunting_dogs/
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There once was a cult obsessed with male genitalia

There once was a cult that was obsessed with male genitalia.
This cult would accept anybody with a phallus, or even something resembling it in the appropriate place.
You could say that they never turned away any potential members.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75chpe/there_once_was_a_cult_obsessed_with_male_genitalia/
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There's a rumor that if you play a Nickleback album backwards it plays satanic messages. But that's nothing....

... if you play it forwards it plays a Nickleback album.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75cdtg/theres_a_rumor_that_if_you_play_a_nickleback/
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question..

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75cau1/little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class_doing_math/
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I've got good news and bad news...

The bad news is, I've got no good news.
But the good news is, I've got no bad news

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75c9pc/ive_got_good_news_and_bad_news/
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Have you ever tried North Korean food?

No? Neither have North Koreans!
credit to u/jackmaner12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75c87s/have_you_ever_tried_north_korean_food/
%
Joe comes home from the factory laughing.

He says to his wife, "Hey, honey! You know that guy Bill Henry? He claims he fucked every woman on our street except for one! Can you believe that shit?"
His wife wipes a dish and puts it into the cupboard. "I bet it's that snooty old Sally Jenkins..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75c7in/joe_comes_home_from_the_factory_laughing/
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Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't.
The guilt was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75c7g2/dr_dave_had_sex_with_one_of_his_patients_and_felt/
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Three women are getting dressed in the locker room of a country club when a man runs in naked with a bag over his head...

He waves his erection around and streaks out again.
"Well, that's certainly not MY husband!" the first woman huffs to the others.
"No. That's definitely not your husband," the second woman answers.
"He's not even a member of this club!" says the third woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75c51t/three_women_are_getting_dressed_in_the_locker/
%
Congratulations to my wife!

who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbors' smoke alarm!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75c328/congratulations_to_my_wife/
%
Why do sharks like to swim in salt water?

Because if it was pepper water, they'd sneeze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75bynu/why_do_sharks_like_to_swim_in_salt_water/
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I've found my old Nokia phone so I connected it to a powerbank.

Powerbank is now full. Phone still has 3 bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75bupw/ive_found_my_old_nokia_phone_so_i_connected_it_to/
%
'Hey, you wanna be Eskimo Brothers?'

''Na, I'm really not Inuit.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75bug6/hey_you_wanna_be_eskimo_brothers/
%
What's a German's favorite videogame

Meinkraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75bt0i/whats_a_germans_favorite_videogame/
%
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75bkr1/my_neighbor_came_at_me_really_aggressively_asking/
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Where do horses like to hang out?

In the neigh-bourhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75bhdg/where_do_horses_like_to_hang_out/
%
Mickey Mouse comes home one day...

And says "Hunny I'm home." To his surprise he isn't met by a warm loving hug and kiss from his wife Minnie. He looks around the house and can't find her anywhere, this is until he hears noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes into the bedroom and finds his wife Minnie and his best friend Goofy having sex on his bed. A few days later Mickey and Minnie are in court going though with their divorce and the judge looks over the court papers and looks at Mickey and asks him "Mr. Mouse if I am reading this right you want to divorce your wife because she was being silly?" To this Mickey replies "No I want a divorce because she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75be26/mickey_mouse_comes_home_one_day/
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Why are native Americans such good strippers?

Every time they dance they make it rain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75bdoa/why_are_native_americans_such_good_strippers/
%
What was the difference between the good priest and the bad priest?

One died a virgin, the other did a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75bawz/what_was_the_difference_between_the_good_priest/
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What is an onomatopoeia?

Exactly what it sounds like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75b9fe/what_is_an_onomatopoeia/
%
[NSFW] A knight won a jousting tournament

The princess hosting the tournament said "For winning the joust, I shall reward you according to how your name sounds"
The knight replied "Are you sure milady?"
The princess answered "Of course! The previous winner, Silvers Crowne was granted a silver crown like what his name sounds. Now, tell me your name champion."
The knight proudly announced "Milady, my name is Sir Pryce Eynil!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75b8r0/nsfw_a_knight_won_a_jousting_tournament/
%
Anal is a lot like your first car...

You may not want it, but your stepfather is going to give it to you anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75b5ir/anal_is_a_lot_like_your_first_car/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75b57f/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
A baby helped me out the other day...

I asked him, "How do I find other songs by the singer of 'Bad Romance'?"
He replied: "Google Gaga"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75b3np/a_baby_helped_me_out_the_other_day/
%
A Sunni and a Shia Muslim have a child together

They name her Sushi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75b3d8/a_sunni_and_a_shia_muslim_have_a_child_together/
%
Bullets and fireworks are the only things that do their job

After they've been fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75b1nh/bullets_and_fireworks_are_the_only_things_that_do/
%
I have a new theory on inertia

But it is not gaining any momentum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75b0u4/i_have_a_new_theory_on_inertia/
%
What's the best part about necrophilia?

The flowers are already there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ayzd/whats_the_best_part_about_necrophilia/
%
Why are tomatoes red?

Because they saw the salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ayvi/why_are_tomatoes_red/
%
Why do christians hate vegans?

Because vegans love seitan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75avt9/why_do_christians_hate_vegans/
%
What is not very funny, self referencing and paradoxical?

This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75avmu/what_is_not_very_funny_self_referencing_and/
%
A young Boy and A Barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75av5j/a_young_boy_and_a_barber/
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What does Obi-Wan think about Padme and Anakin's relationship?

Di-vorce is strong with these two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75asxn/what_does_obiwan_think_about_padme_and_anakins/
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Reading a book about assisted suicide but it's fucking boring.

I need someone to help me finish it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75asus/reading_a_book_about_assisted_suicide_but_its/
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If Trump was a communist...

He wouldn't say 'Grab her by the pussy', he would say 'SEIZE THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75apge/if_trump_was_a_communist/
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My ex-girlfriend said she's seeing someone now.

I said me too.
A therapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75aodh/my_exgirlfriend_said_shes_seeing_someone_now/
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I think Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump...

...but I guess that's just comparing apples and oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75aob8/i_think_steve_jobs_wouldve_been_a_better/
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My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back. She was just reposting this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ao6r/my_wife_left_me_because_she_thinks_im_too_insecure/
%
A journalist asked a programmer:- What makes code bad?

No comment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75alvr/a_journalist_asked_a_programmer_what_makes_code/
%
Camping.

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- "Look up to the sky and tell me what you see."
Son- "I see millions of stars."
Father- "And what does that tell you?"
Son- "Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets."
Father slaps the son hard and says- "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75alpw/camping/
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A cigarette is safer than a bottle of wine.

If you don't believe me, let me hit you on the head with a cigarette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75akzw/a_cigarette_is_safer_than_a_bottle_of_wine/
%
I've been married for 20 years,

and I still carry a photo of my wife in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I stare at her picture, and it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived that long married to her,  I can survive anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75aktq/ive_been_married_for_20_years/
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What's the difference between a philosophy major and an arts major?

A philosophy major asks: "Why do you want fries with that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ajv5/whats_the_difference_between_a_philosophy_major/
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The Lone Ranger joke (NSFW)

The Lone Ranger was riding off in the desert when he gets captured by Indians. They tie him to a stake and the Indian chief says to him. "Unk, Lone Ranger we kill'em at sundown, give'm last request". Lone Ranger thinks about it and says "I'd like to talk to my horse." The Indian chief says "Hmm mighty strange request we grant it though." The Lone Ranger whispers something to Silver. and Silver takes off in a flash. A couple hours past and the Lone Ranger is getting nervous.
He looks off in the distance. And here comes Silver and behind him are a 100 naked women. Well, the Indians forget all about the Lone Ranger and they just have one hellva of an orgy all night long. The next morning the Indian chief comes up to the Lone Ranger and says "Unk, Lone Ranger mighty fine orgy, best we ever had, you can go".The Lone Ranger thanks him and rides off.
As soon as he gets out of sight of the Indians, he stops Silver, slaps him across the face, and says "I said Posse, go and get the Posse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ail8/the_lone_ranger_joke_nsfw/
%
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?

He doesn't want to get spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75agve/why_does_waldo_only_wear_stripes/
%
A cowboy is riding through a tiny town...

A cowboy is riding through a tiny town at the beginning of winter and sees a man that is ferociously chopping wood.
"Why are you doing that", he asks?
"Oh we are getting a very cold winter, I am just preparing. "
"How do you know that?"
"Well look over there between those two mountains, do you see that Indian next to that tree, looking over the valley?"
"Yeah. "
"Every beginning of winter when he does that, we have had a very cold winter."
"Interesting, I think I will go and have a talk with that Indian fellow"
And so the cowboy rides on to the mountains till he finds the indian.
"Mister Indian, how do you know we will have a very cold winter this year?"
"Ah you see that man in the valley, ferociously chopping wood.
Well every time he does that we have had ... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ag5h/a_cowboy_is_riding_through_a_tiny_town/
%
Why did the doctor yell at the vampire?

He was trying her patients!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ae6b/why_did_the_doctor_yell_at_the_vampire/
%
What do you call a deaf dog?

Doesn't matter, he ain't coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75ae1b/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_dog/
%
I saw justice in action today for the first time ever.

I went out for breakfast this morning with my girlfriend, saw a Jehovah’s Witness lock himself out of his own house. Kept ringing the bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75adv0/i_saw_justice_in_action_today_for_the_first_time/
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Hey, do you have an art degree?

Because you are coming up with creative ways to be an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75adpn/hey_do_you_have_an_art_degree/
%
Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75acoh/why_do_chicken_coops_only_have_2_doors/
%
The unwritten rules of Reddit

1)
2)
3)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75acez/the_unwritten_rules_of_reddit/
%
A tropical storm goes through Mississippi and Alabama

and becomes a tropical depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75a74q/a_tropical_storm_goes_through_mississippi_and/
%
You're also ugly.

Doctor: You're overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You're also ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75a5cq/youre_also_ugly/
%
I am a nobody

, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75a3s2/i_am_a_nobody/
%
two priests

a young priest visits an experienced priest to discuss how to better conduct sermons, over a dinner. They talk, but then the young priest sees the other priest's maid.
"your maid is really pretty. Are you sure you are keeping the relationship non-romantic?" the new priest asks
"yes, of course." the experiencd priest says
so then after the dinner, the new priest thanks the other, and leaves.
the new priest then finds a letter in his mailbox
"I'm not saying you 'did' or 'didn't' steal my soup ladel, but I can't find it."
then, a few days later after sending the first letter, the senior priest gets a letter in his mail
"I'm not saying you 'do' or 'don't' fuck your maid, but if you slept in your own bed, you'd have found your ladel by now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75a0i4/two_priests/
%
What's the difference between a dollar and the Dallas Cowboys?

A dollar is good for four quarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75a0dl/whats_the_difference_between_a_dollar_and_the/
%
Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price, and heavier than Alan Price

I learned this on a price comparison site.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/759z9p/vincent_price_was_taller_than_katie_price_and/
%
As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs.

Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.
I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.”
Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/759yhm/as_i_stepped_out_of_the_shower_i_heard_someone_in/
%
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/759xo1/a_husband_and_wife_had_been_married_for_60_years/
%
The farmers daughter

Three guys were hiking the Appalachian trail, when a severe thunderstorm drove them to a nearby farm to seek shelter.
The farmer welcomed them in, saying: "This is my farm, and my rules.  You will all three stay in the guest room, but don't you last a hand on my daughters."
Before going to bed, the farmer made his daughters put a razor blade into their vaginas.
The next morning, the three men came down to the smells of breakfast cooking.  They were ready to eat piles of farm fresh eggs and bacon. When the farmer said "before we eat, I will check if you're gentlemen."
Pulling out his shotgun, the man ordered them to drop their trousers.  Two of the men were whole, the farmer shot the one whose penis was cut off.
Next he checked their fingers, and when one of them was missing a finger, he shot him.
Finally, he turned to the lone surviving man, "congratulations, son.  Since you have been proven to be a gentleman, you may marry any of my daughters."
To which the young man says "mmmmmph mmmmph, muuuumm mmmmmmm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/759v1i/the_farmers_daughter/
%
It's obvious why Mike Pence would never be able to kneel for the National Anthem

he's already on his knees for Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/759uqn/its_obvious_why_mike_pence_would_never_be_able_to/
%
Its hard to break up with a Japanese girl

You have to drop the bomb twice before she understands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/759qkx/its_hard_to_break_up_with_a_japanese_girl/
%
He is still dancing

A married couple are out at a dance. There’s a guy on the dance floor break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife says to her husband, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/759lc3/he_is_still_dancing/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/759kcr/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
I don't get why women keep complaining about this "glass ceiling"

Where I work we have this cool glass floor, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/759k9y/i_dont_get_why_women_keep_complaining_about_this/
%
What's a Communist's favorite video game?

*Don't Starve*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/759hfy/whats_a_communists_favorite_video_game/
%
What washes up on tiny beaches?

Microwaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/759hau/what_washes_up_on_tiny_beaches/
%
A wife and her lover laying in her bed

Then they suddenly hear steps outside of the room. "Quickly, get out! That's my husband" she says and opens the window. The lover climbs out and stays outside in the rain, not knowing what to do for a while. Eventually a group of joggers comes into sight. Trying not to look akwardly standing naked infront of a window he decides to join them.
"So, do you, ahm, always jog naked, sir?" one of the group asks. "Yes," the lover replies. "With a condom on, too?" - "No" he says after a brief moment. "Only when it's raining."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/759d47/a_wife_and_her_lover_laying_in_her_bed/
%
Why does leather armor make you better at sneaking?

Because it's made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7595v1/why_does_leather_armor_make_you_better_at_sneaking/
%
A plateau

Is the highest form of flattery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7595bn/a_plateau/
%
I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...

...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7591xa/i_am_a_man_who_loves_to_give_women_breakfast_in/
%
If I wanted to listen to an asshole

I'd fart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7591ie/if_i_wanted_to_listen_to_an_asshole/
%
Why are retail workers the best in bed?

Because they're trained to have the customer come first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/758ve5/why_are_retail_workers_the_best_in_bed/
%
Does time fly when you're having sex....

.....or was it really just one minute?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/758riv/does_time_fly_when_youre_having_sex/
%
Why is the ocean so salty?

Because the land doesn't wave back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/758p6g/why_is_the_ocean_so_salty/
%
What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/758nd3/whats_the_only_drink_size_they_allow_in_north/
%
You know what's Ironic? My grandmother's sign was cancer. You know what she died from?

A giant fucking crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/758mxg/you_know_whats_ironic_my_grandmothers_sign_was/
%
Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with
myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been
sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact,
probably more than. you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently,
but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much.  I can
no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please
come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE ACTIONS:
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his
neighbor dead.  He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink
and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a
subsequent message from his neighbor.
THE SECOND MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on
my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you
noticed that my Autocorrect changed ‘Wi-Fi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology
hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/758k05/never_text_an_apology/
%
Love holds the universe together.

Just kidding. It's dark matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/758958/love_holds_the_universe_together/
%
A Store Manager asked me to move a Kia that was blocking an exit...

I told him, "I would, but that's not my Forte."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7583z9/a_store_manager_asked_me_to_move_a_kia_that_was/
%
I walked into a room where men were wearing capes, expecting great things.

Then I see that it is a barbershop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75833h/i_walked_into_a_room_where_men_were_wearing_capes/
%
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband Says..

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757zfx/wife_how_would_you_describe_me_husband_says/
%
A guy sitting at a bar at an airport...

A guy sitting at a bar at an airport noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
*"Love to fly and it shows?"*
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Oh shit, she doesn't work for Delta". A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,
*"Something special in the air?"*
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan:
*"Smooth as Silk."*
This time the woman turned on him "What the F**K do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Ryanair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757xbc/a_guy_sitting_at_a_bar_at_an_airport/
%
Why do muslim comedians always get tons of laughs?

Cause nobody wants them to bomb the show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757uqy/why_do_muslim_comedians_always_get_tons_of_laughs/
%
Why did the Mexican guy take Xanax?

To help Hispanic attacks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757tvm/why_did_the_mexican_guy_take_xanax/
%
How do you fix a broken Jack-o-Lantern?

With a pumpkin patch, silly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757sqy/how_do_you_fix_a_broken_jackolantern/
%
A man is strolling past the mental hospital

and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757mxh/a_man_is_strolling_past_the_mental_hospital/
%
If a stalk brings good babies. A crow brings bad babies. What bird brings no babies?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757mwp/if_a_stalk_brings_good_babies_a_crow_brings_bad/
%
I was thinking of telling you my best pizza joke...

But it's way too cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757l60/i_was_thinking_of_telling_you_my_best_pizza_joke/
%
Jack the ripper walks into a Bar...

and orders Isabella's Islay scotch. Bartender warns "It will cost you an arm and a leg".
Jack the ripper's reply:"its a deal"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757l5w/jack_the_ripper_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Four women were chatting in the locker room (nsfw)

When one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation: jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on... there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.
"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.
"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the second.
"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."
The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."
"What's that?"
"Finishing the job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757kxx/four_women_were_chatting_in_the_locker_room_nsfw/
%
Once when I was a teenager

...I stopped at the drugstore to purchase some of those "necessary supplies." I told the pharmacist, "Better give me a dozen, I've got a hot date tonight with the school tramp!" When I got to her house, her mother insisted I join them for dinner. I offered to say grace, and I prayed and prayed and prayed. When I finished, my date leaned over to me and said, "Why, Paul! I had no idea you were so religious!" I replied, "And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757k16/once_when_i_was_a_teenager/
%
A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck...

...when a drunk staggered up to her and said, "Hey, where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied, "You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said, "Quiet, woman , I was talking to the duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757hzt/a_woman_on_her_way_home_from_market_was_carrying/
%
Whats the difference between 2 dicks and a joke ?

You can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757g90/whats_the_difference_between_2_dicks_and_a_joke/
%
Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty...

I'm an opportunist. I drank it all while the other two argued.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757fdt/some_see_the_glass_half_full_some_see_it_half/
%
I posted ten puns on reddit, hoping one of them would make the front page

No pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757e8w/i_posted_ten_puns_on_reddit_hoping_one_of_them/
%
Hey dad, why are they no jews on jupiter?

Because its a gas planet son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757duo/hey_dad_why_are_they_no_jews_on_jupiter/
%
My friend bought me an elephant...

...for my room. I said thanks. He said "don't mention it "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/757auo/my_friend_bought_me_an_elephant/
%
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?
"I don't like her" replies the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7579j9/a_young_jewish_man_excitedly_tells_his_mother_hes/
%
A guy goes to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken and meets a girl dressed as an egg.

The answer is the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7578xv/a_guy_goes_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_as_a/
%
My Mexican friend wrote a song about a tortilla

Well actually, it's more of a wrap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7578ox/my_mexican_friend_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7578hv/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
You see?

A husband and wife visited a farm. They saw a bull having sex with a cow. The wife asked the farm manager.
Wife: "How many times does a bull have sex per day?"
Manager: "4 times a day."
The wife looked at her husband and said ".... you see!"
Then the husband asked the manager.
Husband: "U mean 4 times a day with the same cow?"
Manager: "No, no, with different cows everyday."
Husband looked to his wife and said: " ....you see!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7577tp/you_see/
%
A Man goes to the doctor for a physical...

A Man goes to the doctor for a physical.
The Doctor says "You have to stop masturbating."
The man asks "And why's that?"
The Doctor replies "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7576kl/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_physical/
%
Girl are you a parking ticket?

Because I picked you up on the street and now I can’t afford to pay for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7575kh/girl_are_you_a_parking_ticket/
%
What's yellow and you will die if it falls on you from a tree?

A tractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/756zgm/whats_yellow_and_you_will_die_if_it_falls_on_you/
%
Four months into her postulancy to become a nun a young woman went to Sister Maria crying.

"Sister, I must leave this convent but before I go I want to confess my sins."
"Okay," said Sister Maria.
"During my time here I've slept with multiple men!"
"Shame," said Sister Maria.
"Sometimes multiple men at one time."
"Shame," Said Sister Maria.
"Married men, single men, young men, old men, one in each hole, one in each hand."
"Shame," Said Sister Maria. "If you shtill want to leave, I'll shee you to the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/756un5/four_months_into_her_postulancy_to_become_a_nun_a/
%
It bothers me more than it should when people put the first line of the joke in the title

then repeat it in the body of the post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/756l57/it_bothers_me_more_than_it_should_when_people_put/
%
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/756j3l/a_priests_asks_the_convicted_murderer_at_the/
%
You know you....

You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/756ipn/you_know_you/
%
Did you hear about the guy and girl who mutually decided to break up because the guy had ED?

There were no hard feelings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/756gdp/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_and_girl_who_mutually/
%
What do you call two homeless people hitting eachother with cardboard?

A pillow fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/756f7t/what_do_you_call_two_homeless_people_hitting/
%
Ever since having my baby daughter, she's become the only reason I get out of bed

16 times every fucking night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/756f1z/ever_since_having_my_baby_daughter_shes_become/
%
I got called into my boss's office for a bad billboard I created

It wasn't a good sign

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/756eec/i_got_called_into_my_bosss_office_for_a_bad/
%
What do you call a group of nuns having an orgy?

A cloister fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/756dm8/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_nuns_having_an_orgy/
%
Dad, what are clouds made of?

Linux servers, mostly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/756bj7/dad_what_are_clouds_made_of/
%
'No one likes this'

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/756b4t/no_one_likes_this/
%
If the opposite of bachelor is bachelorette, what's the opposite of cigar?

Living to see your grandchildren.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75696c/if_the_opposite_of_bachelor_is_bachelorette_whats/
%
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow...

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking. A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75682e/a_horse_and_a_chicken_are_playing_in_a_meadow/
%
My first thought when I saw the phishing e-mail was "I never opened a Wells Fargo checking account."

My second thought was, "That doesn't mean I don't have one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75636m/my_first_thought_when_i_saw_the_phishing_email/
%
we are mostly water

that's how come we're mist when we die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755te3/we_are_mostly_water/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755pdu/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire.

The youngest cowboy says, “Last week, a mammoth bull gored 10 men on the range, but I stepped in and wrestled it to the ground with nothing but my bare hands.”
Not wanting to be outdone, the second cowboy says, “That’s nothing. Two days ago, I was attacked by a 10-foot rattler, but I caught it in mid-strike and ripped off its head with my teeth.”
The third cowboy just sat there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755n2m/three_cowboys_are_sitting_around_a_campfire/
%
bears with no ears

What do you call bears with no ears?
B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755mv3/bears_with_no_ears/
%
What do you call a well hung pirate?

Dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755msr/what_do_you_call_a_well_hung_pirate/
%
Why was the tomato blushing?

Because he saw the salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755mhm/why_was_the_tomato_blushing/
%
A redhead had her Kia stolen...

...Now the ginger has no Soul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755k05/a_redhead_had_her_kia_stolen/
%
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755igd/how_did_rihanna_find_out_chris_brown_was_cheating/
%
Once I saw 3 guys beating up one guy on his own so I ran over and helped out...

that dude didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755hva/once_i_saw_3_guys_beating_up_one_guy_on_his_own/
%
Maize

Sorry if the joke was too corny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755hl0/maize/
%
There was a kidnapping at my school...

But don't worry about him, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755gup/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_my_school/
%
Mike Huckabee is interviewing donald trump...

Huckabee, asking the tough questions: "So we've seen you in your stylish golf clothes on the course, and your sharp bespoke suits when you are at work, but the American people want to know what the president really wears, boxers or briefs?"
trump: "Depends..."
Huckabee: "Depends on what, your mood, the situation, if Malania is around?"
trump: "No, just Depends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755gqs/mike_huckabee_is_interviewing_donald_trump/
%
Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k?

Because 3k was considered too racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755gmr/why_did_hd_tv_jump_from_2k_straight_to_4k/
%
What do you call it when your wife fucks you so hard that you can't recover from it?

A one sided divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755emg/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_wife_fucks_you_so/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb

Just 2 but don't ask me how they​got in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755c9d/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
A bank is a place that will lend you money,

but only if you can prove that you don't need it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/755b28/a_bank_is_a_place_that_will_lend_you_money/
%
Where does a hippopotamus live if he wants to study brain surgery in college?

A hippo-campus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7558wl/where_does_a_hippopotamus_live_if_he_wants_to/
%
I came second in a pasta making competition

I would have won if it wasn't for a Fusilli mistakes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/754zv6/i_came_second_in_a_pasta_making_competition/
%
"You will marry the woman I choose," said my dad.

I said, "But look how unhappy it made you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/754urj/you_will_marry_the_woman_i_choose_said_my_dad/
%
I used to be a banker...

Then I lost interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/754tom/i_used_to_be_a_banker/
%
A society without plates

Would be pure dishtopia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/754syn/a_society_without_plates/
%
If you’re cold, just go stand in the corner.

It’s 90 degrees over there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/754rzg/if_youre_cold_just_go_stand_in_the_corner/
%
Where do baby citrus fruits go to learn?

A lemon tree school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/754ju0/where_do_baby_citrus_fruits_go_to_learn/
%
(18+) What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/754ji4/18_what_do_boobs_and_toys_have_in_common/
%
Today, my friend warned a pedestrian about a pothole

I guess that makes him a trip advisor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/754ia1/today_my_friend_warned_a_pedestrian_about_a/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates...

...it doesn't last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/754ezs/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What's the difference between a red traffic light and a green traffic light?

Please answer quickly, I'm almost at the intersection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/754ex0/whats_the_difference_between_a_red_traffic_light/
%
I suggested to my WiFi that it should main Reinhardt on Overwatch

It's great at tanking during pivotal moments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/754dwl/i_suggested_to_my_wifi_that_it_should_main/
%
my doctor told me to eat more taco bell

well actually he said “less mcdonalds” but i’m pretty sure i know what he meant
src: tumblr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/754dq8/my_doctor_told_me_to_eat_more_taco_bell/
%
What's the difference between the color pink and the color purple?

Your grip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7549lk/whats_the_difference_between_the_color_pink_and/
%
On my way home, an acorn fell on my car and cracked my windshield.

It was the least satisfying nut busting I've ever experienced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75461c/on_my_way_home_an_acorn_fell_on_my_car_and/
%
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7545fc/jehovahs_witnesses_dont_celebrate_halloween/
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Needed a Password eight characters long::

So, I went with 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7543pd/needed_a_password_eight_characters_long/
%
Referencing Dinosaurs

I asked her if my referencing of dinosaurs in every sentence was ruining our relationship.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but her silence said everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7540nl/referencing_dinosaurs/
%
A guys dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.
"What are all these clocks for" the guy asked.
"Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second" St peter says
"So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked." St. peter points behind them and says
"It has only ever ticked 3 seconds." The guys then asked "where is Abraham Lincolns clock at." St peters points in front of them and says "it has never ticked a single second." The guy then asked "where Donald Trumps clock at"  st peters say "oh, it is in jesus's office he is using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7540af/a_guys_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Does masterbation count as cheating?

When using a fitbit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/753xjj/does_masterbation_count_as_cheating/
%
Did you hear about the tornado that blew through the strip club?

It was a real titty-twister!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/753uj3/did_you_hear_about_the_tornado_that_blew_through/
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What do you call a kid with an imaginary friend?

Creative.
What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend?
Crazy.
What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend who lives in the sky?
Religious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/753qyy/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_an_imaginary_friend/
%
Can we stop with the Muslim jokes?

I've just about hadith with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/753p6k/can_we_stop_with_the_muslim_jokes/
%
A limbo player walks into a bar.

He loses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/753o9j/a_limbo_player_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A young boy named Tommy sees a man at the mall who claims to have a perfect memory

Tommy asks him, “What did you have for breakfast ten years ago today?”
The man replies, “eggs.”
Think that the man was full of it, the boy walked away unimpressed. The boy grew up, got married to a lovely girl named Jane and had two little boys, Marvin and Jacob. Tommy became a successful airline pilot and made a fair amount of money on the side investing.
Jacob became a very gifted student, and excelled in his school work.
After being accepted into med school, Tommy is so proud of his son that he offers to take him to the mall and buy him whatever he wants. As they’re walking through the mall, Tommy sees an old man with a sign claiming he could remember everything.
Tommy was curious as to whether or not this claim was true, so he asked the old man, “how?” To which the old man replied,
“Scrambled”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/753mad/a_young_boy_named_tommy_sees_a_man_at_the_mall/
%
What do Kurt Cobain and Michelangelo have in common?

They both used their brains to paint a ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/753i2w/what_do_kurt_cobain_and_michelangelo_have_in/
%
I hated living in my poor neighborhood. But, thanks to gentrification...

It's all white now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/753ghr/i_hated_living_in_my_poor_neighborhood_but_thanks/
%
Did you see Mike Pence left the Colts game because the players knelt for the national anthem?

He was quoted as saying "I won't stand for this" on the way out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/753ekh/did_you_see_mike_pence_left_the_colts_game/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/753eav/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
A man made a bet at a bar...

A man made a bet at a bar that he could touch a fur and then tell what animal it was and how it was killed. For every one he got right he would get a beer.
the bartender blindfolded him and handed him a fur.
- Elk, shot with a remmington rifle.
the bartender handed him another fur.
- fox, shot with a shotgun.
it continued on like this until the bar closed and the man went home. the next day he wakes up and notices that he has a black eye. He asks his wife where he could have gotten it from.
- i got pretty drunk last night but i dont remember getting into a fight.
- I gave you that black eye sweetie, because when you came home you put your hand in my pants and said: skunk, split with an axe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/753dnc/a_man_made_a_bet_at_a_bar/
%
Why is America so fat?

Because THESE COLORS DON’T RUN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/753c1o/why_is_america_so_fat/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7533we/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
Why do the English make better lovers than the Germans?

Because the English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7532ue/why_do_the_english_make_better_lovers_than_the/
%
A bunch of thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothbrush and deodorant.

Dirty bastards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7530h6/a_bunch_of_thieves_broke_into_my_house_and_stole/
%
Today, I became a father.

I don't know how to tell my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7530gt/today_i_became_a_father/
%
A woman home alone gets a knock on the door at midday...

She opens the door to a man who says "Do you have a vagina?"
Outraged she slams the door.
The next day, again around noon there is a knock on the door. The same man is there and asks again "Do you have a vagina?"
"Pervert" she utters as she slams the door again.
Later that day she tells her hubby what has happened and he is furious.
He calls his boss for a day off the following day and says to his wife "Tomorrow I'll stay home and if this guy knocks again I'll hide behind the door and you say 'yes' because I want to see where he's going with this."
Sure enough the next day the guy is back knocking the door. The woman opens the door and the man asks "Do you have a vagina?"
The woman says" Yes, why?"
He says "Well can you ask your husband to use it and leave my wifes alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752yit/a_woman_home_alone_gets_a_knock_on_the_door_at/
%
Hurricane Nate is said to go straight North from The Gulf in to Alabama

Experts say it will cause millions of dollars worth of improvement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752y73/hurricane_nate_is_said_to_go_straight_north_from/
%
What did E.T's mom say when he got home?

"Where on earth have you been!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752wuf/what_did_ets_mom_say_when_he_got_home/
%
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts cost $1.39 and deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752vts/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
Job interview in a psychiatry

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?
I’ve been on Reddit for 5 years now.
Very good, the job is yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752vcu/job_interview_in_a_psychiatry/
%
An old lady puts an ad in the paper, looking for a husband...

She decides honesty is the best policy, and sets three rules that applicants must meet:
They must not run around on her.
They must not hit her.
They must be good in bed.
A few days go by after she placed her ad, when the doorbell rings.  She opens the door to find an old guy sitting there in a wheel chair.  He has no arms and no legs.
The old lady asks if she can help him and he says he's there about her ad.
"But you don't have any legs," she says.
"Just means I can't run around on ya," the old guy replies.
"But...you don't have any arms..."
"Just means I won't hit ya."
The old lady nods and says, "Okay, but are you good in bed?"
The old guy just smiles. "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752v4m/an_old_lady_puts_an_ad_in_the_paper_looking_for_a/
%
Schrodinger had a girlfriend but he was afraid to look at her because she might snap into a state where she didn't exist.

And don't even get me started on the double slit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752ux0/schrodinger_had_a_girlfriend_but_he_was_afraid_to/
%
Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees?

Because they’re really, really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752tum/why_havent_you_ever_seen_any_elephants_hiding_up/
%
My girlfriend left me because I kept pretending to be a transformer

I said "No, wait! I can change!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752s3s/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_i_kept_pretending/
%
If Ironman and the Silver Surfer teamed up...

...they'd be alloys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752qo8/if_ironman_and_the_silver_surfer_teamed_up/
%
Blatant re-post. "If a man speaks his opinion....

...and there is no woman around to correct him, is he still wrong?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752jtp/blatant_repost_if_a_man_speaks_his_opinion/
%
I just tried to change my password to 'BeefStew'

but it said my password wasn't stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752jp0/i_just_tried_to_change_my_password_to_beefstew/
%
I had sex with a blind girl

she didn't see me cuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752hqu/i_had_sex_with_a_blind_girl/
%
That poor man fell into a pile of crap and glue

That shit sticks with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752hkt/that_poor_man_fell_into_a_pile_of_crap_and_glue/
%
A boy comes home from school at 7pm

His dad says "where were you?
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were studying."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're fucking donuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752fkq/a_boy_comes_home_from_school_at_7pm/
%
College_irl

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752fd6/college_irl/
%
An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now.   How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal.  She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement.   But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752ec2/an_engaged_man_asked_his_father_for_advice_for_a/
%
I've got a pet peeve

His name is Sparkles and he likes belly rubs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752dgr/ive_got_a_pet_peeve/
%
A poor farmer came to the Parliament house

in New Delhi to meet with an officer. He kept his bicycle near the high walls of the building and proceeded to the entrance.
The security guard came running towards him and hurriedly asked him to remove the bicycle.
“This is a very prestigious place. High profile men, ministers and judges come here”
The farmer innocently replied, “I know that. I have locked my cycle, nobody can take it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/752aqi/a_poor_farmer_came_to_the_parliament_house/
%
Why was the Chinese dumpling behaving in a deliberate and unprovoked way?

It was wonton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7528ko/why_was_the_chinese_dumpling_behaving_in_a/
%
What do you call a Scottish bartender?

Phil MacGlass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7527w2/what_do_you_call_a_scottish_bartender/
%
A psycopath goes into a store

He approaches the person at the counter and asks:
-Hello sir, may I have an assault rifle, 3,000 rounds, a scope, and a box of penicillin?
-Sorry sir, I can't sell you penicillin without a prescription.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7527a6/a_psycopath_goes_into_a_store/
%
Two Prussian soldiers are talking to a captured French Soldier.

The Prussians ask, 'What do you fight for?'
'For money,' the Frenchman replies.
'You see, we Prussians fight not for wealth, but for honor!'
The Frenchman replies, 'So it is true that all men fight for what they lack.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7525af/two_prussian_soldiers_are_talking_to_a_captured/
%
A little kid was on a park bench eating a 1 quart container of ice cream...

It had fudge, caramel syrup, sprinkles, and just about everything you could think of.
A man walks up to him and said, "That is so unhealthy! You'll become overweight, possibly get diabetes and so many more bad things."
The kid said, "My grandfather lived to be 102!"
The man replied, "By eating like that?"
"No, by minding his own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7523zh/a_little_kid_was_on_a_park_bench_eating_a_1_quart/
%
A scientist performed an expirement on a spider...

He put the spider on a table and told it to jump, and it did. Then, he plucked off one of its legs and told it to jump, and it jumped again, but not as high as the first time. The scientist did this again and again, taking off another leg each time until all of its legs were gone. When the spider had no legs, he told it to jump. It just laid there, not jumping.
The scientist’s conclusion: Spiders without legs are deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75221t/a_scientist_performed_an_expirement_on_a_spider/
%
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline,

She hit the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7521b8/my_wife_just_found_out_i_replaced_our_bed_with_a/
%
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

She told me "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7520x0/i_asked_my_wife_what_she_wanted_for_christmas/
%
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75202p/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
%
What does a vegan zombie eat?

Grains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/751ztz/what_does_a_vegan_zombie_eat/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/751yni/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
When actors get drunk

To play a scene where a character is drunk it's method acting
So I'm sure breaking bad must have had plenty of meth head acting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/751wun/when_actors_get_drunk/
%
Wait. What's your name?

I recently met a Chinese man and got to know that his name was Kannaswami.
I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylum Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee.
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked
"What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".
Then she looked at me and asked
"What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/751txp/wait_whats_your_name/
%
[NSFW] I was going to be a trump supporter for Halloween

But I couldn’t fit my head up my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/751rui/nsfw_i_was_going_to_be_a_trump_supporter_for/
%
A wife is like a grenade

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/751pz9/a_wife_is_like_a_grenade/
%
If someone is a vegan and does CrossFit...

Which do they have to tell you first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/751one/if_someone_is_a_vegan_and_does_crossfit/
%
Why does Waldo wear striped shirts?

He doesn't want to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/751mhq/why_does_waldo_wear_striped_shirts/
%
Why don’t women wear skirts in the winter?

To avoid chapped lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/751loo/why_dont_women_wear_skirts_in_the_winter/
%
A penis has a sad life...

... His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour's an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/751enf/a_penis_has_a_sad_life/
%
Son was causing problems...

He didn't study, was rude to everyone, never listened to anyone. Dad tried various things to get him in line but nothing helped.
One night when dad was meeting with his friends, he asked them for advice. He heard again the things he already tried. Then one of the guys sugested that he should send him to a catholic boarding school. Dad never heard or tried that one before, so he did it.
Months pass by, dad surprisingly didn't get any notices from the school, no expell warnings of any kind. So one day he phones the school and asks principal how his son is doing.
"His grades are very good, his behaviour is excellent! You can be very proud of such child!" says the principal, leaving the father even more confused.
When it's time for semester break, son comes home and dad asks him:
"What happened, why are you behaving this good?"
Son answers: "Dad, when I came to principal's office, there is a guy hanging on a cross behind him. On every corridor, there is a guy on a cross. In front of the school building there is a guy crucified! I tell you, they dont f**k around with people there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/751cvi/son_was_causing_problems/
%
Three guys are stranded in a desert

By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.  The genie grants each of them one wish.
The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.
The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.
The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/751bl8/three_guys_are_stranded_in_a_desert/
%
A farmer and an interviewer (long)

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The black one of the brown one?
Interviewer: The brown one.
Farmer: A couple liters a day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple liters a day.
Interviewer (a little confused): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one the black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer (annoyed): Why do you keep asking "which one" when the answer is the same?!
Farmer: Because the black ones mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: it's also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7514um/a_farmer_and_an_interviewer_long/
%
On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.

He went up to a house and rang the doorbell.  A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers?
The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7511bh/on_halloween_a_little_boy_dressed_as_a_pirate/
%
In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/75100o/in_ww2_you_could_identify_which_nationality_your/
%
Why do the french have windows at the rear end of their tanks during WW2?

So they can see the battlefield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/750z6l/why_do_the_french_have_windows_at_the_rear_end_of/
%
A sad and depressed cat walks to a bar

Bartender:what will ya have?
Cat:shot of rum.
(Bartender pours it)
(Cat slowly pushes it off the bar).
Cat:another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/750s9b/a_sad_and_depressed_cat_walks_to_a_bar/
%
A man goes to find a Holy Knight of Trigonometry

His journey started after learning everything he could from his master, but he wanted to test his skills with one of the three knights. A long journey took him across plains, he had to climb dangerous mountains, sail across perilous seas, and even fly over a river of lava, flowing from a volcano that hasn't died in years and years.
Suddenly, he spots rainfall coming from one spot, coming from infinity, but curving as it nears the land. The man treks through a jungle to find that the rainfall passes into a cave, and slides down a hole at the edge of the entrance. He throws a rock down the pit, but hears nothing but the rush of water.
"Who goes there!", a weary voice goes.
"A man looking for a knight with extraordinary powers, they say three brothers were knighted by the King of this land as the Trinity of Trigonometry, and I thought I'd be able to find someone here..."
An old man was wearing a toga which extended from his right arm down to his left leg (with an exposed left arm and right leg) shuffled from the darkness, his now white, scraggly beard covering most of his face, his eyes filled with the intelligence of one who has seen much, but is tired of living.
"So you've come to find a knight? Well, you've found a man who was one, once. I am the middle brother, the eldest being Sindbad, and the youngest being Cosmos"
The man looked the old hermit  up and down, unsure of himself.
He asked,
"Are you Sir Tan?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/750pzf/a_man_goes_to_find_a_holy_knight_of_trigonometry/
%
A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So if you're a good driver, watch out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/750pi8/a_lot_of_women_actually_turn_into_good_drivers/
%
My dad fell on some cake yesterday. He said the most dad joke ever.

"Desserts on me, everybody."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/750lyi/my_dad_fell_on_some_cake_yesterday_he_said_the/
%
What kind of flower gets warmer and sweeter as it gets wet?

The two-lip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/750cgr/what_kind_of_flower_gets_warmer_and_sweeter_as_it/
%
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three.
A left ear
A right ear
And a final, front ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/750afv/how_many_ears_does_captain_kirk_have/
%
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7508u8/cop_on_horse_says_to_little_girl_on_bike_did/
%
Old guy with his personal trainer

Old Guy in the gym with a personal trainer: What machine do I use to get the hot girls?
Trainer: The ATM in the lobby!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7508av/old_guy_with_his_personal_trainer/
%
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says,

"I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7504ro/two_factory_workers_are_talking_the_woman_says/
%
A woman goes to a pet shop...

To buy a pet to make up for her husband ignoring her for sports. Shopkeep suggests a parrot named Crunchy.
She asked "Why Crunchy?"
He says because Crunchy has a special ability. He puts Crunchy in his cage on the counter and opens the cage and says "Crunchy, the cage".
I'm seconds Crunchy has completely destroyed the cage. The woman is ecstatic and throws all her money on the counter and leaves with Crunchy.
She gets home and she thinks, first thing my husband will do when he gets back turn on the game. She takes Crunchy to the living room and says "Crunchy, the TV". And Crunchy destroys the TV.
Next she thinks. He's going to listen to the game on the radio! "Crunchy, the radio!" And boom! The radio is gone.
Last she knows that he's going to go online to get the scores. "Crunchy, the computer!" And no more computer.
That night her husband comes home to watch the game. He sees the TV and screams "what the hell? What happened to the tube?" Wife says "Crunchy did it."
He goes to turn on the radio and sees it in pieces and screams "what the hell! What happened to the radio?
Wife says "Crunchy did it!"
Last he goes to his computers and sees it blown apart. "What the hell? What happened to the computer?" Wife "Crunchy did it!"
Husband "Yeah well, Crunchy my ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/750441/a_woman_goes_to_a_pet_shop/
%
Ryan Gosling is 36 years old

Shouldn't we be calling him Ryan Goose already?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7503z7/ryan_gosling_is_36_years_old/
%
How was your trip to Stockholm?

Captivating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/750340/how_was_your_trip_to_stockholm/
%
Why did the cow go on holiday?

Because she had a wee calf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7501i3/why_did_the_cow_go_on_holiday/
%
I bought two mattresses the other day

I really only needed one, but when I went to buy it, I saw that it was a twin, and I didn't want to separate them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7500i5/i_bought_two_mattresses_the_other_day/
%
Hellen Keller walked into a bar...

Then a table, then a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74zyf7/hellen_keller_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope

.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday.
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74zxn0/two_young_guys_appear_in_court_after_being/
%
Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?

He pasta way...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ziwk/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that_died/
%
I always considered myself a Canadian American in spirit

I apologize when I enter an empty room in case the NSA is listening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74zeh2/i_always_considered_myself_a_canadian_american_in/
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A cowboy is captured by natives after a long battle.

The cowboy fought so valiantly that the natives decided to give him 3 final requests.
The cowboy is delighted and says for his first request, he wants to talk to his horse.  He walks up to his horse, whispers something in his ear and the horse takes off running.  A little while later he returns with a naked woman on his back.
The natives are impressed and grant him a teepee to have some privacy with the woman in.  After a while he emerges, tucking in his shirt and is asked what his second wish is.  He says he wants to talk to his horse again.
Once again his horse takes off and returns with a naked woman.  The natives laugh and give him some privacy again.  After some time, the cowboy emerges and says that for his final wish he wants to talk to his horse again.
He walks up to the horse, grabs him by the ears and screams, "I SAID POSSE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74zbeh/a_cowboy_is_captured_by_natives_after_a_long/
%
How do you spot a gay man in a group of naked women?

It’s not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74z7xp/how_do_you_spot_a_gay_man_in_a_group_of_naked/
%
What do the military and sex have in common?

The closer you get to discharge the better it feels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74z6eb/what_do_the_military_and_sex_have_in_common/
%
What type of tree doesn’t need to worry about birth control?

A rubber tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74z5xd/what_type_of_tree_doesnt_need_to_worry_about/
%
Why do ducks have big flat feet?

To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have big flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74z5uy/why_do_ducks_have_big_flat_feet/
%
If pro means good and con means bad...

What’s the opposite of progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74z57k/if_pro_means_good_and_con_means_bad/
%
Hey girl are you a construction worker?

Cause you're erecting something right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74z4gp/hey_girl_are_you_a_construction_worker/
%
What's brown and sticky?

Shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74z0yu/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
I get seriously pissed off when my professor brings up π.

I know, it's irrational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74z0qc/i_get_seriously_pissed_off_when_my_professor/
%
I Used to Be Addicted to The Hokey Pokey.

But I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74yvcv/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
%
Where did the annoying prophet go on vacation?

Budapest!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74yv4x/where_did_the_annoying_prophet_go_on_vacation/
%
A boy goes to his Mom and says, “Mom, how come you’re white and I’m black?”

His Mom replies, “Son, the way I remember that party, you’re lucky you don’t fucking bark.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ytox/a_boy_goes_to_his_mom_and_says_mom_how_come_youre/
%
Why did the blind man cross the road?

Because he couldn't hear the Tesla coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74yqj7/why_did_the_blind_man_cross_the_road/
%
A 100 married men go to hell

Here they meet the devil who gives them an option, either stand in the left row which grants them access to heaven.
Or stand in the right row where eternal torture awaits.
However, you can not stand in the left row if your wife was the boss in the relationship.
After a swift shuffle, 99 men stand in the right row and just one man stand in the left row.
Angered by this, the devil goes: "Are you all so weak that your woman wears the belt in the relationship?"
All 99 men just look at eachother and down to the floor in dissappointment.
"Well then", says the devil as he turns to the man in the left row, so you are a true independent man?
"No." says the man, "but my wife would have told me to stand in this row."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ynt0/a_100_married_men_go_to_hell/
%
"My wife has a stall on the beach..."

"My wife has a stall on the beach where you can buy flags of any country"
"Does she sell Seychelles by the sea shore?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74yh9x/my_wife_has_a_stall_on_the_beach/
%
A Blonde Puzzle Joke

The blonde is sitting at the kitchen table, staring down, head in her hands, sobbing.
She picks up the phone and calls her husband who had just left for work.
"What's up honey?" the husband asks as he answers his phone.
"It's this puzzle" she sobs. "I ....... I ....... I just don't get it. It's impossible, I don't know what to do."
"O.K. .................... O.K. ............ " the husband says. "What is it a puzzle of?"
"It's a picture of a Tiger " she sobs.
"All right honey, hang on, I'll be right there."
He turns the car around and heads back home. Walking into the house he goes into the kitchen and finds his wife sitting at the table, head in hands, sobbing.
The blonde looks up and says: " I just don't get it. I don't get it. How am I supposed to do this?"
The husband walks over, pats her on the back, looks down at the table and says:
"Don't worry honey, It'll be alright. ............................ But first ..................................................................
We have to put the 'Frosted Flakes' back in the box".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ye7y/a_blonde_puzzle_joke/
%
Pierre the famous French fighter pilot

Pierre the famous French fighter was flying over occupied territory when he was shot down, a farmers daughter rescued him and took him to a secluded barn to nurse him back to health. When he was fully recovered Pierre told the the farmers daughter he would take her for a picnic as a reward, the picnic went well until the farmers daughter turned amorous & she said
"oh, Pierre kiss me, kiss me"
Pierre the famous French fighter pilot agreed and before he kissed her opened a bottle of red wine and poured it over her lips. He then proceeded to give her the best kiss of her life!
But she proclaimed "Pierre, that was amazing, but what was with the red wine?" He replied "I'm Pierre the famous French fighter pilot, if I eat red meat, I drink red wine."
Oh, she said, "Pierre kiss me lower, kiss me lower!" So Pierre opened a bottle of white wine and poured it over her breasts. As he suckled on her breasts the farmers daughter proclaimed "that was amazing, but what was the white wine for?" Pierre replied " I'm Pierre the famous French fighter pilot, if I eat white meat, I drink white wine!".
The farmers daughter in throws of passion says "oh, Pierre, kiss me lower, kiss me lower! So Pierre the famous French fighter pilot opens a bottle of brandy and pours it over the farmers daughter pubic region and then flicks a match onto it igniting it. The farmers daughter immediately starts smacking the fire out, and says what the hell are you doing?
Pierre replies "I'm Pierre the famous French fighter pilot, and if I'm going down, I'm going down in flames!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ydya/pierre_the_famous_french_fighter_pilot/
%
My high school guidance counselor told me I'll always be useless

So I became a guidance counselor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74yb27/my_high_school_guidance_counselor_told_me_ill/
%
In tech support, we get asked questions that seem like common sense. Today I told a guy "CTRL-P"...

...but he didn't make it to the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74y7we/in_tech_support_we_get_asked_questions_that_seem/
%
A string walks into a bar looking really tired and dirty, disheveled and twisted and the bartender says: "Hey buddy, are you okay?"

To which the string replies: "I'm a frayed knot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74y6dh/a_string_walks_into_a_bar_looking_really_tired/
%
What did the cold tortilla say?

Brrrrrrrrrito!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74y5qy/what_did_the_cold_tortilla_say/
%
A boy is walking down the street when a man runs from the opposite direction holding a nice shirt.

"Why are you running?" asked the boy.
"I just got this really nice shirt," the man answered.
"Where from?" asked the boy.
"JC Penny," the man answered before resuming his run.
Shortly after, another man came running from the same direction as the first holding a nice pair of khakis, to which the same exchange occurred. This happened two more times, one holding a pair of socks and another a pair of shoes, until a man wearing just underwear ran by.
"Where are you going like that?" the boy asked incredibly.
"To get my clothes back. I'm JC Penny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74y5kq/a_boy_is_walking_down_the_street_when_a_man_runs/
%
A woman's hamster isn't moving

, and she's really getting worried. So she takes it to the veterinarian. The vet takes one look at the hamster and says, "Sorry, ma'am, but your pet's dead."
She looks horrified and says, "No! I refuse to believe this! I request a second opinion." The vet sighs, goes into the next room, and brings out a large black dog. The dog sniffs the hamster, gives the woman a long, pitying look and walks out.
"Sorry, miss, but you have to agree: your hamster is dead." But the woman refuses to say that her beloved hamster is dead. The vet rolls his eyes and brings out a scrawny-looking tabby cat. The cat pokes the hamster with its paw, avoids the woman's eyes, and backs out uncomfortably.
"Alright, doc. He's dead," the woman says sadly. "What's my bill?"
"One thousand dollars."
"One thousand dollars?! Just to tell me my hamster was dead?"
"Well, telling you that is free, but with the lab test and the cat scan, that's another $500 each."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74y2q2/a_womans_hamster_isnt_moving/
%
My dad told me this one.

He's a cable manager and often has to keep moving in his van/truck. One day he was driving in farm country and ran over a pig. He got out of the car to check on the pig and the pig was okay so he kept driving to his destination. When he got home, he got a call from a farmer.
"Hello?"
"I know you ran over ma pig"
"How did you know?"
"He squealed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74y1br/my_dad_told_me_this_one/
%
Did you hear of the American who robbed a bank in Latvia?

Turns out potatoes aren't a valid currency in the US.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74xwlg/did_you_hear_of_the_american_who_robbed_a_bank_in/
%
What do you call an entitled white guy that goes outside with no pants in the winter?

White Shrivelage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74xtj6/what_do_you_call_an_entitled_white_guy_that_goes/
%
Why was Portugal the best colonial power?

Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74xk4g/why_was_portugal_the_best_colonial_power/
%
As i walk in the local shopping mall, a woman comes walking towards me

She asks me: "sir, do you have a moment for animal abuse?" As the good man I am, I say: "of course, madam." So i walked to the nearest dog and kicked it like a football. Apparently that was not what she meant...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74xj0x/as_i_walk_in_the_local_shopping_mall_a_woman/
%
How do you know an Alaskan girl is enjoying sex?

She's really Inuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74xh6i/how_do_you_know_an_alaskan_girl_is_enjoying_sex/
%
Did you know that Jim Carrey lost the use of his left hand for a month in 1997?

He was all righty then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74xgq5/did_you_know_that_jim_carrey_lost_the_use_of_his/
%
What does Batman get in his drinks?

Just Ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74xcah/what_does_batman_get_in_his_drinks/
%
Special shop sale:

electrons:  10 cents
protons: 10 cents
neutrons: free of charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74xb8d/special_shop_sale/
%
Cupid lost his id

Now we call him cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74x8w3/cupid_lost_his_id/
%
Man I'm getting old

I haven't fucked a priest in 25 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74x3l2/man_im_getting_old/
%
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me smelling his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who would've thought you could make the funeral of such a cute toddler more awkward then it already was...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74x3dn/my_best_friend_got_mad_at_me_because_he_caught_me/
%
The reason women don't play football

is that eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74x0ky/the_reason_women_dont_play_football/
%
A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.

‘Son,’ says the dad.
‘That happens everywhere.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74wwu8/a_little_boy_says_dad_ive_heard_that_in_some/
%
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"

Everyone in the bar stops and stares.
Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74wwj6/she_yells_no_i_wont_sleep_with_you_tonight_you_pig/
%
I think my wife’s going deaf," Joe told their doctor.

"Try to test her hearing at home and let me know how severe her problem is before you bring her in for treatment," the doctor said.
So that evening, when his wife was preparing dinner, Joe stood 15 feet behind her and said, "What’s for dinner, honey?"
No response.
He moved to ten feet behind her and asked again.
No response.
Then he stood five feet in back of her and tried again but still got no answer. Finally, he stood directly behind her and asked, "Honey, what’s for supper?"
She turned around. "For the fourth time—I said chicken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74wvsl/i_think_my_wifes_going_deaf_joe_told_their_doctor/
%
A family is at the dinner table

. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74wvj7/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table/
%
What's a ducks favorite drug?

Quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74wtzg/whats_a_ducks_favorite_drug/
%
I really hope there are no Golden Globe winners

working in the Flat Earth Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ws5s/i_really_hope_there_are_no_golden_globe_winners/
%
Your mommas so poor

I saw her walking down the street with one shoe. I said "hey you lost a shoe". She said "na I found one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74wqh4/your_mommas_so_poor/
%
I found a website for broken guns.

It's not loading!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74wpdb/i_found_a_website_for_broken_guns/
%
Pythagoras

wasn't a mathematician, he was a sinetist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74wkvx/pythagoras/
%
Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”
“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74wivp/jack_wakes_up_with_a_horrible_hangover_and_a/
%
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is how politics works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74whwv/i_told_my_son_you_will_marry_the_girl_i_choose/
%
How's the iPhone X design?

Top notch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74wg05/hows_the_iphone_x_design/
%
It is a myth that you cannot breathe underwater

You can breathe out, just not in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74wex9/it_is_a_myth_that_you_cannot_breathe_underwater/
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When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie....

That’s a moray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74wbn7/when_an_eel_hits_your_eye_like_a_big_pizza_pie/
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I hate the book Fahrenhiet 451 so much

Some people would say I hate it with a burning passion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74walh/i_hate_the_book_fahrenhiet_451_so_much/
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This asshole looked at

my beer belly last night and said,
"Is that Corona or Heineken??"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74w8sz/this_asshole_looked_at/
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Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes

That way, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74w6vv/before_you_criticize_a_man_walk_a_mile_in_his/
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Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?

To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"
"What is the problem?"
"Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74w308/do_you_know_why_women_arent_allowed_in_space/
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The other day I unexpectedly bought a cat.

It was an impulse purrchase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74w285/the_other_day_i_unexpectedly_bought_a_cat/
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Hey Baby, are you russian?

Because you seem to be influencing my erection.
.
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*Full Disclosure: Someone else made this as a snarky comment on a politics subreddit and I realized it would make a good joke*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74w1n8/hey_baby_are_you_russian/
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When a musician's fingers move really fast across a piano, they're considered a prodigy and a genius.

But when i go even faster on full-screen rhythm games on my iPad, I'm "lazy", "going to get carpal tunnel syndrome", "unproductive", and "ruining the funeral, Emily".﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74vxar/when_a_musicians_fingers_move_really_fast_across/
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I've decided to marry a pencil.

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74vx1n/ive_decided_to_marry_a_pencil/
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My wife makes me feel like a sex object.

Every time I offer sex... she objects!
I'm sure this is a re-post from somewhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74vwma/my_wife_makes_me_feel_like_a_sex_object/
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A photon walks into a hotel

and is asked if he needs help with his luggage. The photon replies "No thanks, I'm travelling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74vwds/a_photon_walks_into_a_hotel/
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Why is it so hard to be friends with a Mathematician?

They act like they always have something to prove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74vu9e/why_is_it_so_hard_to_be_friends_with_a/
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I've got an inferiority complex.

But it's not a very good one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74vqfz/ive_got_an_inferiority_complex/
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Catholicism is like a penis

The priests try to force it on to little kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74vjbq/catholicism_is_like_a_penis/
%
I was in a job interview today...

The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$200 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74vh0d/i_was_in_a_job_interview_today/
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I tried comforting the jilted bride by reminding her...

"At least the wedding went off without a hitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74vdc5/i_tried_comforting_the_jilted_bride_by_reminding/
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Why do aliens prefer to Masturbate?

So they can cum in peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74vcr5/why_do_aliens_prefer_to_masturbate/
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I wanted to post a periodic table joke...

But all the good ones argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74va4v/i_wanted_to_post_a_periodic_table_joke/
%
Did you hear about the guy that got arrested for having nun porn?

He got off on good behaviour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74v9tu/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_got_arrested_for/
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Darth Vader and Luke Christmas joke

Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas.
Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74v8sp/darth_vader_and_luke_christmas_joke/
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A man goes on a date

Friend: 'How did your date go?'
Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'
Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'
Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74v6k5/a_man_goes_on_a_date/
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I went by the house where I grew up in yesterday

and asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face.
My parents can be so fucking rude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74v62y/i_went_by_the_house_where_i_grew_up_in_yesterday/
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What do you call a ninja turtle with an addiction to pastries?

Donutello

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74v5k2/what_do_you_call_a_ninja_turtle_with_an_addiction/
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A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74v4x1/a_man_is_talking_to_god/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for centuries?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74v1ll/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly

A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74v0r0/you_cant_teach_an_old_dog_to_fly/
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Life is like a penis

It hangs low and women make it hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74uyjq/life_is_like_a_penis/
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what does 18 + 15 equal?

Jail time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74uxou/what_does_18_15_equal/
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So these two ancient Egyptian brothers are mummifying their father.

After several hours one of the brothers realises how long they've been working. So he turns to his brother and says "Hey, let's wrap this up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74uusn/so_these_two_ancient_egyptian_brothers_are/
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Did you hear the one about the speed bump and the cymbal?

Ba-dum, tish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ur47/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_speed_bump_and_the/
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In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74uorl/in_the_hospital_i_asked_the_charge_nurse_for_a/
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Anyone wanna come to my fart party?

It'll blow you away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74um7y/anyone_wanna_come_to_my_fart_party/
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*knock-knock* Hello, sir. Do you live here?

No, i live down the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ulm1/knockknock_hello_sir_do_you_live_here/
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When it comes to sex I'm a wild animal...

More scared of you than you are of me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ulc8/when_it_comes_to_sex_im_a_wild_animal/
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Abdul Al-Rhazim

An interviewer is interviewing a man.
Interviewer: Name?
Interviewee:Abdul Al-Rhazim.
Interviewer:Sex?
Abdul Al-Rhazim: 3-5 times a week.
Interviewer:  No, no, I meant male or female!
Abdul Al-Rhazim:  Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
Interviewer: Holy cow!
Abdul Al-Rhazim: Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
Interviewer: But isn’t that hostile?
Abdul Al-Rhazim: Yes, horse-style, dog-style, any style.
Interviewer: Oh dear!
Abdul Al-Rhazim:  No, no.  Deer run too fast. Too hard to catch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ujta/abdul_alrhazim/
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My neighbors are listening to good music

Whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74uimu/my_neighbors_are_listening_to_good_music/
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Why was the fishing show so successful?

They had a great cast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74udh3/why_was_the_fishing_show_so_successful/
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A mother is sitting with her three children...

2 girls and a boy. The first girl turns to her mother, and asks, with a soft, sweet voice and a smile, "Mom, why is my name violet?".
Her mother answers, "Well, dear when I was in hospital with you your father brought me a bouquet of violets, and when I was trying to think of a name, one of the petals fell and landed gently on your forehead, so I named you Violet"
The girl is very content with her answer, and goes back to her game.
The second girl is also curious, and poses the same question to her mother, "And what about me, Mother dearest?"
"Well, darling, when I was in hospital with you, your dad brought me roses, and strangely, the same thing happened! I took it as a sign and named you Rose!"
The girl beams at her mother, and goes back to playing with her sister.
Finally, the son is also taken by curiousity and asks "A..a..a.and MUm...Muh..Mummy.... w..w.W.WhAt bOut m..m.mmeeeme!?!?"
"Not now, Nokia. It's time for bed, run along!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74uany/a_mother_is_sitting_with_her_three_children/
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What did one mug say to another mug after they got mugged?

call the cups!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74u9u4/what_did_one_mug_say_to_another_mug_after_they/
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My wife says she hates being on her period . . .

. . . so I asked if she would prefer my exclamation point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74u9du/my_wife_says_she_hates_being_on_her_period/
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A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74u7fz/a_man_was_pulled_over_for_driving_too_fast_even/
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Calculators are reliable.

You can always count on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74u5m9/calculators_are_reliable/
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Why did the repost cross the road?

Because I couldn't think of an original joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74u5ao/why_did_the_repost_cross_the_road/
%
Religion is like farts

You don't mind your own. However others piss you off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74u0sr/religion_is_like_farts/
%
I hate it when people ask me where I see myself in 3 years...

It's not like I have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74tzjf/i_hate_it_when_people_ask_me_where_i_see_myself/
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The first time I asked a woman to make love to me, I was sweating and my hands were shaking uncontrollably

I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before.
x-post /r/DarkHumor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74txf3/the_first_time_i_asked_a_woman_to_make_love_to_me/
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My dad is strongly against my gambling addiction.

He's no better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74tvng/my_dad_is_strongly_against_my_gambling_addiction/
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A warm toilet seat is just like a prostitute...

It feels good, but you know someone was just there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74tvh6/a_warm_toilet_seat_is_just_like_a_prostitute/
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Revolving doors must get frustrated.

They're always going around in circles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74tv6e/revolving_doors_must_get_frustrated/
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A Dad is washing a car with his son.

The son asks:
‘Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74tst9/a_dad_is_washing_a_car_with_his_son/
%
What has 10,000 legs and 3 pubes?

A Justin Bieber concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ts4c/what_has_10000_legs_and_3_pubes/
%
They should make another Taken movie about Liam Neeson being underappreciated for keeping his family safe

It should be called Taken 4: Granted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74trq6/they_should_make_another_taken_movie_about_liam/
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Why do Astronauts go into space?

Because some men just wanna watch the world turn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74trqa/why_do_astronauts_go_into_space/
%
At the grocery store today and when asked paper or plastic, I said “you make the call” the guy replied “no can do.”...

I asked “why not?” To which he replied
“Baggers can’t be choosers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74toue/at_the_grocery_store_today_and_when_asked_paper/
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I wanted to post a joke about the unemployed

But none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74tkrd/i_wanted_to_post_a_joke_about_the_unemployed/
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I saw two vegetarians arguing

I guess they were beefing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74thxv/i_saw_two_vegetarians_arguing/
%
What do you call a bearded Nazi?

A Hairyan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74tg7y/what_do_you_call_a_bearded_nazi/
%
What's Donald Trump's favorite drink?

A white russian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74tel5/whats_donald_trumps_favorite_drink/
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Blonde wakes up after a one night stand.

She sees some random guy sleeping next to her. Her memory is fuzzy,  but she remembers some very passionate sex that took place last night.
She frantically wakes the guy up and asks him if they used any protection. The guy says no,  not as far as he can remember.
"Damn" says the blonde,  "do you have aids?"
"What? No!" The guy answers.
Blonde,  visibly relieved,  lays back next to him and says:
"Oh thank God for that. I wouldn't want to catch it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74t8aq/blonde_wakes_up_after_a_one_night_stand/
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A blonde and a brunette...

working together, when one day the blonde starts feeling a sore throat coming on, she complains about it to her brunette coworker.
"Oh, I have a perfect trick for that"  says brunette " whenever I feel a sore throat developing,  I give my boyfriend a blowjob, and the sore throat is gone almost instantly. Maybe you should try something like that"
The blonde thanks her,  and tells her she is just gonna pop out for lunch. She is almost an hour late back to work,  when she finally gets back in.
The brunette knowingly winks at her "So did it work? That sure took some time."
"Oh it worked perfectly, throat feels great now! " says the blonde "Sorry I'm so late,  the blow job was only a few minutes,  but it took me nearly 45min to convince your boyfriend that it was indeed your idea. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74t71t/a_blonde_and_a_brunette/
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The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear.....

Is Sphere Itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74t5jn/the_only_thing_flatearthers_fear/
%
Dads are like boomerangs

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74t1ao/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
Why did the poorly made shoe go to confession?

Because it had a bad sole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74t0q0/why_did_the_poorly_made_shoe_go_to_confession/
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I took an iq test yesterday on Facebook, as a matter of act...

and it told me im a genius! in the *top 99%*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74t0no/i_took_an_iq_test_yesterday_on_facebook_as_a/
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Some guy just tried to make a chemistry joke.

He got no reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74sy5b/some_guy_just_tried_to_make_a_chemistry_joke/
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My new girlfriend said I'll have to wait 6 months before we have sex .

I said I respected her decision and I'll give her a call then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74suxj/my_new_girlfriend_said_ill_have_to_wait_6_months/
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I’m starting a YouTube channel about my fixation with lizards and snakes. What am I going to call it?

A Reptile Dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74sne5/im_starting_a_youtube_channel_about_my_fixation/
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Who Wants to be a Millionaire!

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin..."
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy, "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won one million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
“Because he lives in a fookin clock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74sibu/who_wants_to_be_a_millionaire/
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Religion is like a penis.

It's fine to have one, and it's fine to be proud of it.
But, don't go waving it around in people's faces, and for goodness' sake, don't go shoving it down our kids throats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74shxj/religion_is_like_a_penis/
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What’s the least spoken language?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74s9jz/whats_the_least_spoken_language/
%
An old woman asks for her neighbor's parrot..

An old woman was chatting with her next door neighbor, and when he mentioned that he was going away to college and could not take his parrot with him, she asked him what he would do with the bird.
"Ah, I'll give 'em to the pet store. Somebody else's problem."
Well this just would not do for this church-going woman, so she offered to take the bird off the young man's hands. He insisted, "Ah no, Miss Wainwright, you don't want this old bird! He used to belong to my father before he passed, and he's got a real mouth on him."
Gladys insisted right back and sealed the deal with saying how lonely she would be without him to help her with the gardening. The young man relented, shaking his head, and thinking to himself that he had warned her before passing the cage off.
The bird was quiet the first night, and Gladys figured that all the bird really needed was to get away from those loud video games.
The next morning she awoke and walked downstairs to the kitchen, passing the cage on the way.
"HEY OLD BITCH! WHERE THE HELL'S MY FUCKIN' FOOD?" The parrot screeched at her.
Shocked, she turned slowly on the spot to stare at him. And then she spoke, "Now I don't know what you got up to next door, but that just won't be tolerated here!"
"FUCK YOU, DRIED UP OLD CUNT!"
Gladys snatched the bird out of the cage and carried him to the kitchen, ignoring his loud curses and wing flapping. She held him up and said to his beak, "You need to be taught some manners! You sit in here and think about your language, birdy!"
She popped him in the freezer and turned away to make some tea.
When the kettle had boiled a minute later, she opened the freezer to reveal a shuddering parrot that was glaring at her, but saying nothing. Smiling in a satisfied way, she removed him and placed him back in his cage.
The next morning, Gladys totters down the steps and coos, "Good morning my pretty little birdy!"
"AH, FUCK THIS! YOU CAN SUCK MY FEATHERY COCK LADY!"
Gladys promptly popped the bird in the freezer again, but this time while boiling the kettle her daughter called. By the time she had gotten off the phone with her third grandchild, she realized she had quite forgotten the bird.
Hustling back over to the freezer as fast as her rheumatism would allow, she wrenched open the door and found her bird alive, nearly frozen.
As she removed him the bird said in a small voice, "Alright lady, I'm real sorry... But I gotta ask.. What the HELL did that turkey say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74s8xf/an_old_woman_asks_for_her_neighbors_parrot/
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It always shocks me when people say republicans are anti-communists

With trying to make abortions illegal, get rid of birth control, defund planned parenthood, those all are textbook examples of seizing the means of reproduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74s5z2/it_always_shocks_me_when_people_say_republicans/
%
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked,
"May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not? " the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go
out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74s5u1/a_nun_really_needing_to_go_to_the_bathroom_walked/
%
I rear-ended another car this morning.

I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a really bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it!
He was a dwarf!!  He looked up at me and said, "I am 'Not Happy.'
So I said, "Well, then, which one are you?"
And, that's how the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ruw1/i_rearended_another_car_this_morning/
%
I was browsing Toys R Us and the aisles said "Girls 3-5", "Boys 5-7", etc.

Jeez, just let me buy something.  I don't need the whole guilt trip about who made it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74rm5g/i_was_browsing_toys_r_us_and_the_aisles_said/
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What do you call it when a Norwegian falls down a canyon?

A fjordian slip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74rlgg/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_norwegian_falls_down_a/
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My Egyptian friend just couldn't believe he was drowning...

turns out he was in de-Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74rla0/my_egyptian_friend_just_couldnt_believe_he_was/
%
What do Apple and the NFL have in common?

The Chargers suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74rh2b/what_do_apple_and_the_nfl_have_in_common/
%
I don't trust stairs

they're always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74rf6z/i_dont_trust_stairs/
%
A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten

. The girls gets into the car and says - "Mom, Timmy's wee wee is like a peanut!". The mother laughs and asks "why is it small?". "No" the girls answers, "it's salty"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74reky/a_mom_picks_up_her_5_year_old_girl_from/
%
9/11 jokes aren't funny

but the other 2/11 are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74rbmz/911_jokes_arent_funny/
%
My parents disowned me because they were under the impression I was gay.

It hit me like a ton of dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74r9dc/my_parents_disowned_me_because_they_were_under/
%
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?

Because he only dated mummies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74r735/why_wasnt_the_archaeologist_interested_in_girls/
%
Why did the loaf of bread lack manners?

It wasn't raised right!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74r5tm/why_did_the_loaf_of_bread_lack_manners/
%
A tourist is travelling down the Rhine

He books himself into an old castle that has been converted into a hotel. Once he enters, he has the creepiest feeling come over him. He asked the lady a reception if they have ghosts in the hotel. She laughs and says, " I have been here for 300 years and never seen one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74r2ws/a_tourist_is_travelling_down_the_rhine/
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A Simple Guide to Cake Consumption

If it's 1 o'clock and you're not hungry enough to eat the whole cake, eat half of it now and the other half in an hour. You can halve your cake and eat at 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74r1h5/a_simple_guide_to_cake_consumption/
%
Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time.

For shits and giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74qzyh/yesterday_i_took_laxatives_and_laughing_gas_at/
%
Why did the robber take a bath?

Because he wanted a clean getaway..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74qyhw/why_did_the_robber_take_a_bath/
%
Why is there a gate around a cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74qsb7/why_is_there_a_gate_around_a_cemeteries/
%
2005: One day computers will be so good that you will have to prove you aren’t a robot.

2017: One day computers will be so good that you won’t have to prove that you are a robot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74qsa8/2005_one_day_computers_will_be_so_good_that_you/
%
What is the difference between an economic recession and a broken down escalator?

One is a terrible state of affairs the other is a terrible fate of a stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74qktf/what_is_the_difference_between_an_economic/
%
I shot a vulture.

It was a scavenger hunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74qiac/i_shot_a_vulture/
%
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs...

But it's ok, it was in my pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74qfve/my_phone_just_fell_down_a_flight_of_stairs/
%
Did you hear the joke about the roof?

Never mind, it's over your head!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74qal7/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_roof/
%
I just paid £600 for a voyeurs club

They saw me coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74qaid/i_just_paid_600_for_a_voyeurs_club/
%
I am reading r/jokes on the tiolet...

For the shits and giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74q9xg/i_am_reading_rjokes_on_the_tiolet/
%
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest "I almost had an affair with another woman".

The priest said "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped. The priest said. "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box".
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching quickly ran over to him saying "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and according to you that's the same as putting it in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74q9m9/a_married_irishman_went_into_the_confessional_and/
%
Did you hear about the time Jesus overdosed on male enhancement drugs?

He was hung for three days and then he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74q7vt/did_you_hear_about_the_time_jesus_overdosed_on/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74q6uv/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
What religion do sheep practice?

Islamb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74q2x2/what_religion_do_sheep_practice/
%
The God of the Sun has burnt millions and millions of people...

... But that's ok, because he Apollo-gized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74q16b/the_god_of_the_sun_has_burnt_millions_and/
%
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74pz3r/on_some_air_bases_the_air_force_is_on_one_side_of/
%
I'm surprised so many people stand up against vaccinating their kids.

I thought the Polio would have prevented that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74pw2h/im_surprised_so_many_people_stand_up_against/
%
I'm going to open a strip club where the dancers rap.

And call it titty bars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74puvn/im_going_to_open_a_strip_club_where_the_dancers/
%
I'm surprised there are so many anti-vax politicians in America

Because most American politicians don't seem to care if kids get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74puc0/im_surprised_there_are_so_many_antivax/
%
The fat life...

.. you either live it, or you diet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ppm2/the_fat_life/
%
I went for a job interview on a farm today.

They asked me if I had any experience in sticking my arm up a cow's vagina.
I showed them a photo of my ex-girlfriend.
I start tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74pmf6/i_went_for_a_job_interview_on_a_farm_today/
%
What do you never want to hear during a prostate exam?

“Look, no hands.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74plgw/what_do_you_never_want_to_hear_during_a_prostate/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road ?

Because I accidentally put the wrong socks on this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74pkzf/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
3 hours in the crucifixion of Jesus one of his disciples, Andrew, is wandering the streets of Jerusalem still trying to fathom what just happened

with no specific end destination Andrew just walks around in a somewhat foggy state of mind. Suddenly he hears a distant and very silent cry:
"Andreeeeew..."
First he thinks it´s his own mind playing tricks with him or maybe somehow just the wind but then he hears it again..:
"Andreeeew..."
It sure sounds like.... could it be?.... is this?... Is this my lord, master and savior, Jesus Christ, calling my name from the cross with his maybe last breaths!?
Still not convinced he starts moving towards Golgatha and few moments later he hears it again, this time slightly louder:
"Andreeeewwwww...."
By now Andrew is convinced and with no more hesitation and disbeliefs he starts running as fast as he can towards his lord. As in a panic state Andrew stumbles several times in his flip flops, falls to the ground, gets up again paying no attention to his bruises. He collide with several pedestrians and animals but he does not stop for anything.
As Andrew gets closer and closer to Golgatha the cry gets louder and louder:
"Andreeeeeeeewwwwwww!"
After what felt like a marathon in distance and time Andrew finally reach the top of Golgatha and throws himself in the dust by Jesus´s cross. After a few moments catching his breath he looks up at Jesus and yells:
"MY LORD, MY SAVIOR! I am here!" Still breathing heavily Andrew just need an extra moment before he continues.
"Please tell me why you summoned me in this moment of pain and agony? I will do anything you demand of me, tell me what to do and I will do you bitting!"
With tears in his eyes Andrew, still on his knees and hands folded, keeps looking at Jesus waiting for his bitting.
"ANDREEEEEEEWWWWWW!!.... I can see your house from here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74pkf6/3_hours_in_the_crucifixion_of_jesus_one_of_his/
%
Three men get their wives birthday presents.

The first man, a lawyer, tells the other men “I got my wife a trip to the Bahamas and a pearl necklace. She loves pearls, so if she doesn’t enjoy the trip, I know she’ll like the necklace.”
The second man, a doctor, says “I got my wife a brand new 2017 BMW and a Louis Vuitton handbag she’s had her eye on. If she doesn’t drive the car much, I know she’ll love that handbag.”
The third man, a trucker, tells the others “I got my wife a Metallica t-shirt and a dildo. If she doesn’t like the t-shirt, she can go fuck herself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74pgp4/three_men_get_their_wives_birthday_presents/
%
A Married Couple Are Dancing...

A married couple are out at a dance. There’s a guy on the dance floor break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife says to her husband, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74pfmp/a_married_couple_are_dancing/
%
If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74pbvh/if_bruce_wayne_overcame_his_fear_of_bats_by/
%
3 men on a plane

3 men are on a plane and the plane is about to crash.  They each try to throw something out of the plane to reduce weight.  The first man throws a wrench. The second man throws a screwdriver. The third man throws a bomb. Well the plane crash lands and the men are walking down a street.  They come across a little girl crying and they ask "why are you crying little girl?" The girl replies, "I was jumping rope and then I got hit in the head by a wrench." The men walk a little further down the street and come across a woman crying. They ask the woman, "what happened, ma'am?" The woman replies, "I was working in my garden and then got hit in the head by a screwdriver." The men go a little further and come across a little boy laughing uncontrollably. They ask, "what's so funny little boy?" The little boy replies, "I farted and the house behind me blew up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74p9z1/3_men_on_a_plane/
%
What's the backside of the moon called?

The front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74p9en/whats_the_backside_of_the_moon_called/
%
There once was a farmer with 3 daughters who were all going on their first date at the same time...

The farmer, being protective over his daughters, decided to meet their dates at the door with his shotgun. The doorbell rang, and the farmer answered the door.
He was met with a boy, who said: "Hi! My name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next boy arrived: "My name's Eddy, I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The farmer felt that this one was okay too, so he sent them on their way.
The final date arrived, the farmer opened the door: "Hi, my name is Chuck".
And the farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74p8ew/there_once_was_a_farmer_with_3_daughters_who_were/
%
I’m not drinking any more.

But I’m not drinking any less either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74p6lp/im_not_drinking_any_more/
%
What's the difference between a nun and a woman in the bathtub?

One of them has hope in her soul!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74p26f/whats_the_difference_between_a_nun_and_a_woman_in/
%
The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74p1v5/the_secret_to_a_long_marriage_is_that_we_take/
%
I became a proud Dad today.

My son is actually four but he was a boring little cunt for the first three years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ou5y/i_became_a_proud_dad_today/
%
What do you get when you cross the mailman with a Cougar?

According to the Paternity Test: Me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74otk8/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_mailman_with_a/
%
A farmer retires, and passes on the family farm to his son.

Without interest in growing crops, the son sells half the land to buy an excavator.
The son has the dream of striking it rich, without years of toiling as a farmer.
He begins to spend all day on the remaining land with the excavator, moving dirt, and filtering its contents, looking for gold.
The father, horrified at the result of the land, approaches his son, "You were supposed to use this land to farm! What happened?"
The son replies, "It's mine now!" and goes back to digging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74oted/a_farmer_retires_and_passes_on_the_family_farm_to/
%
Why do NASA scientists drink Sprite?

Because they can’t get 7-Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74oqig/why_do_nasa_scientists_drink_sprite/
%
Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctor.

After tests the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife might be over heating during sex. Paddy doesn't own a fan so he asks his mate around to waft a towel over them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting and still no orgasm, his friend suggests a swap. I'll fuck her and you waft the towel. Paddy agrees and within minutes his wife is screaming having the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friendly slowly and says "And that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74opji/paddys_wife_has_never_had_an_orgasm_so_they_go_to/
%
Grand Misunderstanding?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?".
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body".
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?".
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worrying about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "No sir, they aren't black and I assure
you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!".
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ont9/grand_misunderstanding/
%
Why You Should Make Love Once A Year

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74onsx/why_you_should_make_love_once_a_year/
%
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74onjv/a_woman_shoots_her_husband_for_stepping_on_the/
%
Mummy mummy... why do I keep going round in circles?

Shut the fuck up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74onc8/mummy_mummy_why_do_i_keep_going_round_in_circles/
%
What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

Luke warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74omju/whats_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
%
What did the mathematician do when he had constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74omiu/what_did_the_mathematician_do_when_he_had/
%
The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos

when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74om3n/the_photographer_was_positioning_my_new_husband/
%
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive

He said he needed to C:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74om22/my_doctor_must_think_i_have_a_bad_hard_drive/
%
Russian Roulette isn't that bad

Infact 5 out of 6 doctors say Russian Roulette is perfectly safe.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74oiyh/russian_roulette_isnt_that_bad/
%
At least we know /r/Jokes cares about the environment.

Since it's made almost completely out of recycled material.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ohkr/at_least_we_know_rjokes_cares_about_the/
%
Police: How'd you kill 30 people?

Redhead: I was over speeding when all of a sudden the brakes failed. I had two options. There was a parade on one side and a couple walking on the other side.
Police: Why didn't you hit the couple?
Redhead: I did, but as soon as I turned the car towards them, they started running towards the parade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ohfa/police_howd_you_kill_30_people/
%
I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74odzi/i_can_count_on_one_hand_how_many_times_i_have/
%
Where can you find the perfect middle between the alt-left & the alt-right?

the spaceBar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74odtr/where_can_you_find_the_perfect_middle_between_the/
%
I just found out Pride is one of the seven sins.

Good thing I'm so amazingly humble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74odqc/i_just_found_out_pride_is_one_of_the_seven_sins/
%
Heard this gem from a coworker yesterday

A man and his wife are out grocery shopping when the husband stops in beer section and gets a 24-pack for $10.
The husband puts the 24-pack in the cart and his wife stops him and say "We can't get that, we have to stick to the budget!" so he puts it back on the shelf.
Later on the wife stops in the cosmetics section and gets a container of face cream for $20. When she puts it in the cart, her husband stops her and says "We can't get that honey, it's not in the budget".
The wife says
"This face cream is what I use to look good!"
The husband says
"Well the beer makes you look good for half the price!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74obca/heard_this_gem_from_a_coworker_yesterday/
%
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74o7hm/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
%
Measuring vs Questionaries

Me: To get the mass of each Can of chicken I used a digital scale
Teacher: Why did you use that method to obtain your data as
opposed to the other methods?
Me: Because the cans refused to answer the questionnaires honestly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74o65r/measuring_vs_questionaries/
%
What's the most slippery country?

Greece. 😂
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74o4gw/whats_the_most_slippery_country/
%
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74nvak/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
A dog looks at its human and thinks "this person feeds me, they must be God"

A cat looks at its human and thinks "this person feeds me, I must be God"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74nuqc/a_dog_looks_at_its_human_and_thinks_this_person/
%
An airplane was about to crash, with 4 people in it.

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best Football player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag. ﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74nt49/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash_with_4_people_in_it/
%
I took a sip of what appears to be some sort of poisonous ink...

I dyed a little inside..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74npor/i_took_a_sip_of_what_appears_to_be_some_sort_of/
%
Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road?

It got stuck in a crack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74nllu/why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_make_it_across_the_road/
%
What did the muslim guy say to his girlfriend when she was about to eat gorilla meat?

"That's haram, bae."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74nlkc/what_did_the_muslim_guy_say_to_his_girlfriend/
%
Brad Pitt, Donald Trump, a 12-year old and an older gentleman…

…are all flying on the same plane. Suddenly, there are huge problems and the captain let them know that “the plane is going to crash. Unfortunately, there are only 3 parachutes available. Please agree among each other on whom is going to take the parachutes”.
Brad Pitt stands up and says: “Guys I am sorry. I have to take one. My kids need me, my fans need me and I am too good looking anyway to die” and jumps off the plane.
Donald Trump stands up, takes the second parachute and says: “Sorry guys, but I am going to be the best president in history of the United States of America. My people need me. America needs me” and jumps of the plane.
The older gentleman smiles gently, pats the kid on the shoulder and says: “Listen son. Take the last parachute. I´ve lived my life, you have yours entirely ahead of you. Its ok.”
The boy just shrugs and says: “Don´t worry. The best president in history only took my school bag.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74nhp2/brad_pitt_donald_trump_a_12year_old_and_an_older/
%
What do you do with a compressed folder of porn?

Unzip...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74nhh5/what_do_you_do_with_a_compressed_folder_of_porn/
%
Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab...

One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ngne/think_new_yorkers_dont_get_along_i_just_saw_two/
%
I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs

Wrong plaice, wrong thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74nd78/i_was_unlucky_to_be_sacked_as_a_chef_for_using/
%
What country’s capital is the fastest growing? Ireland’s

Every year it’s Dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74nbyt/what_countrys_capital_is_the_fastest_growing/
%
What kind of fuel do you put in a sexually ambiguous car?

Genderfluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74n6wd/what_kind_of_fuel_do_you_put_in_a_sexually/
%
The best part of waking up...

Is still a mystery to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74n35s/the_best_part_of_waking_up/
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What is a Jewish, a Black and a Russian man waiting outside a brothel for?

The Black man is waiting for the light to turn green, the Jew is waiting for the prices to drop and the Russian is waiting for his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74n2f1/what_is_a_jewish_a_black_and_a_russian_man/
%
I got fired from my mail route today.

They said I wasn't picking up people's mail. I should have seen it coming though, there were red flags everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74n1sx/i_got_fired_from_my_mail_route_today/
%
isis is marketing their version of kitkat

they're calling it allahu snackbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74n1a0/isis_is_marketing_their_version_of_kitkat/
%
How to get gum out of a child's hair?

With leukemia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74n0ne/how_to_get_gum_out_of_a_childs_hair/
%
What do you call a world's shittiest recycling center?

r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74n0h0/what_do_you_call_a_worlds_shittiest_recycling/
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An Instagram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74mxc7/how_much_does_a_hipster_weigh/
%
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist

about her husband: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!
Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74mvda/a_wife_goes_to_consult_a_psychiatrist/
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When I get naked in the bathroom

The shower gets turned on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74mul1/when_i_get_naked_in_the_bathroom/
%
Someone asked Ghandi what he thought about Western Civilization

He thought it could be a really good idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74mtmo/someone_asked_ghandi_what_he_thought_about/
%
Did you hear about the haunted health food store?

Everything is super-natural.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ms17/did_you_hear_about_the_haunted_health_food_store/
%
My girlfriend was crying because of a pain around the belly

I told her she is ovary acting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74mqn7/my_girlfriend_was_crying_because_of_a_pain_around/
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When a woman wears a bikini, they leave 90% of their body exposed.

Men, being the gentlemen that we are, only look at the other 10%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74mq5i/when_a_woman_wears_a_bikini_they_leave_90_of/
%
Why is a whale called a whale?

Because it was the only name awhaleable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74mq32/why_is_a_whale_called_a_whale/
%
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74mm9v/a_man_inserted_an_ad_in_the_classifieds_wife/
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My origami classes were canceled.

Apparently the school folded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74mi2y/my_origami_classes_were_canceled/
%
Before the prostate exam, I asked the doctor where should I put my pants.

"Here, next to mine" wasn't the answer i was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74mgqy/before_the_prostate_exam_i_asked_the_doctor_where/
%
When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74mdxw/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
%
Why should a lonesome man never have the sex with a lemon?

... because of lemonaides!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74mdwo/why_should_a_lonesome_man_never_have_the_sex_with/
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In a bakery...

In a bakery:
Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”
Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”
Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74m89r/in_a_bakery/
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E-Flat, A-Flat, and B-Flat walk into a bar..

..the bartender says, "Get lost, kids. We don't serve minors."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74m83k/eflat_aflat_and_bflat_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74m3ug/why_wont_sharks_attack_lawyers/
%
A very curious customer asked

a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.
"Yes." Said a tomato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74m3oc/a_very_curious_customer_asked/
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Why did the invisible parent have two genders?

Because it was trans-parent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74m1ij/why_did_the_invisible_parent_have_two_genders/
%
A man rubs a bottle and a genie comes out,

The genie says to the man, "I will grant you one wish however, it must be within reason" The man thinks for a second and says "I want a dragon!" the genie replies "Are you mad? I said within reason!" Again the man thinks and finally speaks. "I wish for the ability to plug a USB cable in right every time." The genie thinks, then says,
What color do you want your dragon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74lxfp/a_man_rubs_a_bottle_and_a_genie_comes_out/
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An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants

It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000  cheaper than an american.
Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"
"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt been used as much"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74lw03/an_irishman_and_donald_trump_are_reading_an/
%
If Storks represents birth. Which bird represents birthcontrol?

Swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74lsku/if_storks_represents_birth_which_bird_represents/
%
I was walking down the street . . .

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74lnxm/i_was_walking_down_the_street/
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This gay rights thing has gone too far.

Even my local cafe is selling a Bi, Lesbian and Transgender sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74lnbf/this_gay_rights_thing_has_gone_too_far/
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Joke nsfw

A man was riding his dirt bike one day and has a wreck goes to the emergency room. The doctor says "you torn most of the muscles in your groin so we wanted to get your okay to try a new procedure to replace the muscles in your groin with muscles from an elephants trunk." So he gets the procedure and goes through rehab. afterwards he goes out on a date and they order their food and the waiter brings rolls and set them on the table. The man starts to feel pressure in his pants and figures to unzip because the table cloth will cover him up. As soon as he unzips though his dick shoots out from under the table, grabs a roll and goes back under. His date says " whoa. That was amazing can you do it again?"
The man says " maybe, but I don't think I can jam another roll up my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ln26/joke_nsfw/
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A scientist brings a sandwich to life by feeding it prunes and bran for 3 days. He then hears its first words...

This sub is going to shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ln0c/a_scientist_brings_a_sandwich_to_life_by_feeding/
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Greyhound Buses and Lobsters

What's the difference between a Greyhound terminal that hasn't been cleaned in months and a lobster with a boob job?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74lhiw/greyhound_buses_and_lobsters/
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What is love without life?

Necrophilia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74lh3n/what_is_love_without_life/
%
What’s worse than raining buckets?

Hailing taxis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ldkx/whats_worse_than_raining_buckets/
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Engineer vs Manager

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but  you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74lb9d/engineer_vs_manager/
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I wanted to make fun of my co-worker’s marathon prep...

...but my company has a policy against race jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74kxcq/i_wanted_to_make_fun_of_my_coworkers_marathon_prep/
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I don't understand why so many people major in English Literature.

I mean there's only so many ways to ask, "Do you want fries with that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74kuil/i_dont_understand_why_so_many_people_major_in/
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A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN LOVES GROWING TOMATOES

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ku2c/a_beautiful_woman_loves_growing_tomatoes/
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Two wrongs don't make a right...

...but three lefts do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74kr9g/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
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How do you think the unthinkable

With an ithberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74kr51/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
fake gorilla joke

a nearly broke zoo had trouble maintaining and caring for the gorillas, so they had to sell them to a different zoo.
to keep the exhibit open, they dressed up a staff member in a gorilla suit.
for the next week, the fake gorilla was placed in the cage and paid to act real, and he loved it!
everyone loved him, thinking he was a real gorilla, but one day he went too far, climbed up the side of his enclosure (electric fence didn't hurt him through the suit) and accidentally fell into the lion pit!
"help me!" "I'm gonna die!" the fake gorilla screamed.
the lion roared, ran over to the gorilla, and growled in his face:
"shut up or we'll both get fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74kogs/fake_gorilla_joke/
%
I just bought some vegan donuts.

Big mistake, they won't shut the fuck up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74kn8d/i_just_bought_some_vegan_donuts/
%
Had to give a fecal sample today but the nurse said it wasnt enough. She asked I would be willing to give her another sample.

I told her I couldn't give two shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74km1d/had_to_give_a_fecal_sample_today_but_the_nurse/
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When trying online dating, you should open with a joke you found on Reddit.

This way, you can ensure that they're not some weirdo who reads Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74kjyk/when_trying_online_dating_you_should_open_with_a/
%
I think my friend is addicted to brake fluid but...

He insists he can stop whenever he wants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74kbdb/i_think_my_friend_is_addicted_to_brake_fluid_but/
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If you give a mouse a cookie...

You don't understand computers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74k9x5/if_you_give_a_mouse_a_cookie/
%
I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74k9tl/im_no_doctor_but_im_pretty_sure_diarrhea_is/
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What is Gordon Ramsey's favorite movie?

It's fucking frozen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74k943/what_is_gordon_ramseys_favorite_movie/
%
So do you know what Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

Circling Uranus looking for Klingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74k5wv/so_do_you_know_what_star_trek_and_toilet_paper/
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Apple released a phone for pirates.

It's called the iAye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74k539/apple_released_a_phone_for_pirates/
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You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you smell a steak cooking on the grill?

Is that what happens to vegans when they mow the grass?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74k4kq/you_know_that_mouthwatering_sensation_you_get/
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Magic Dildo

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.
A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went to the local sex shop and asked the lady at the counter what the best product she had to offer was. The woman pointed at the $400 sex doll in the corner and asked the man, "Will that do?" Not wanting his wife to think of the sex doll as another man, the husband shook his head and asked for another suggestion. The counter clerk pointed at the back wall where a rack of dragon dildos hung, to which the man replied that he had plenty of those at home and was looking for something a little more special.
Looking partially defeated, the counter clerk put her hand to her forehead and thought for a while before removing her hand and saying, "We have one other option but I really wanted it for myself. It's one of a kind." The man, intrigued, says "Let me see it." The clerk pulls out a antiquated box inlaid with gems along its side. She opens it and pulls out a rather normal looking dildo and turns to the man, who is obviously disappointed. The clerk sees this and announces, "This is not just any old dildo. It's a magic dildo. It will fill your wife with pleasure once she says the words, 'Magic Dildo,' followed by whatever she hole she desires to put it in. The magic dildo will then fly up straight into her, filling her with an orgasm like she's never had before. She'll be plenty busy with it." The husband looks skeptical, so the clerk decides to display the dildo's powers for him. Holding the dildo in her hand, she confidently states "Magic dildo, my pussy." Upon which the dildo soars from her palm to her vagina, making her immediately open her mouth wide in pants and intensity. After about ten minutes of this, she seems satisfied and says, "Magic dildo, the box." Making the dildo fly back to a rest. Impressed, the man rushes home to give the dildo to his wife.
A week after her husband left the wife decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "Magic dildo, my pussy." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied the wife. The wife was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theater, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure.
One day on her way to work the wife hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. The wife was feeling really confident and called out "Magic dildo, my pussy." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out that car was a cop.
The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs.
"Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!" The wife tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the wife what she was on. The wife told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and its causing me to lose control!"
The officer, not buying it, simply replied "Magic dildo, my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74k2t8/magic_dildo/
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Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74jvqr/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
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What is the name of a rock group that has four members yet none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74jvej/what_is_the_name_of_a_rock_group_that_has_four/
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I'll never forget my dad's last words.

"Honey, give me the TV remote."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74jufi/ill_never_forget_my_dads_last_words/
%
"Mom, turn on FOX. I want to hear the news."

You'll have to pick one or the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74jtpq/mom_turn_on_fox_i_want_to_hear_the_news/
%
My girlfriend said she wanted to try lunges.

That's a big step forward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74jshm/my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_to_try_lunges/
%
An African woman named Betty went to a butcher and asked for beef.

The butcher replied, "No, black Betty! Ham or lamb."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74jrl7/an_african_woman_named_betty_went_to_a_butcher/
%
My teacher recently asked "What's a slip in the tongue called?"

Apparently it's not Cunilingus.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74jq7n/my_teacher_recently_asked_whats_a_slip_in_the/
%
I just found out I’m colourblind...

It came completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74jovd/i_just_found_out_im_colourblind/
%
How does a dinosaur get out of a swimming pool?

Wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74jip4/how_does_a_dinosaur_get_out_of_a_swimming_pool/
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The creation of the woman.

When Adam roamed the garden of Eden, he saw how happy all the pairs of animals were, and he craved a partner. He prayed all day and all night, and in the end god answered his pleads and replied.
"Adam, what are you praying for?"
"Oh almighty god! I have seen the bliss of the animals of the land and wish for a partner! I want her to be beautiful like no other, smarter almost as you, loving, caring and passionate. She should be delicate and graceful like a swan, yet swift and nimble like a fox."
"You know Adam, that's gonna cost you an arm and a leg"
Adam pauses a moment to think before replying,
"What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74jh9r/the_creation_of_the_woman/
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I hate when people ask me what I'm doing in the next three years.

Do I look like I have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74jex5/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_what_im_doing_in_the/
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What are your best toe amputation jokes?

Co worker lost a toe. Need lots of jokes. Already used up tow jokes about towing his car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74jesj/what_are_your_best_toe_amputation_jokes/
%
What kind of coffee do Emo's drink?

Depresso's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74j8tb/what_kind_of_coffee_do_emos_drink/
%
I lost my job at the M&M factory.

I kept throwing out the w's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74j7fg/i_lost_my_job_at_the_mm_factory/
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What do you call a square that got pounded too hard?

A rektangle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74j6i1/what_do_you_call_a_square_that_got_pounded_too/
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A blind girl told me I had a huge dick...

but she was just pulling my leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74j3ag/a_blind_girl_told_me_i_had_a_huge_dick/
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(Nsfw) Which Pixar character is the worst one to have sex with?

Walle because he nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74iwx1/nsfw_which_pixar_character_is_the_worst_one_to/
%
What do Apple and the NFL have in common?

The chargers suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74iwvn/what_do_apple_and_the_nfl_have_in_common/
%
Three ducks walk into a bar (NSFW)

Three ducks walk into a bar and order 3 beers. When the 1st duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, "Thanks man, my name is Huey." The bartender says "Nice to meet you Huey! How's your day been?" Huey replies "Man! I have had the best day ever... I have been in and out of puddles all day long. Couldn't ask for a better day!" The bartender congratulates Huey on having such a magnificent day and then turns to the 2nd duck and hands him his beer. When the 2nd duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, "Thanks man, my name is Dewey." The bartender says "Nice to meet you Dewey! How's your day been?" Dewey replies "Man! I can't remember the last time I had such a wonderful day! I have been in and out of puddles all day long. I will remember this day forever!" The bartender congratulates Dewey on having such a magnificent day and then turns to the 3rd duck and hands him his beer. The bartender says "Let me guess...your friend's names are Huey and Dewey, so you must be Louie" The 3rd duck glares at the bartender and says "No, you asshole. My name is Puddles and DON'T ask me how my f**king day has been!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ivax/three_ducks_walk_into_a_bar_nsfw/
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How does a feminist end her prayer

Awomen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74iu7a/how_does_a_feminist_end_her_prayer/
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What do you call someone who took your username?

A namesis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74iu0v/what_do_you_call_someone_who_took_your_username/
%
When a male Octopus finds a mate

, he rips off his penis and throws it at the female so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new penis.
If that isn't the most epic way to tell someone "Go fuck yourself" I don't know what is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74itu4/when_a_male_octopus_finds_a_mate/
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How do you know if your roommate is gay?

If his dick tastes like shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74itlt/how_do_you_know_if_your_roommate_is_gay/
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Judge: "You have been found unanimously guilty of using clickbait, and I sentence you to death by electric chair."

What happens next will shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74it96/judge_you_have_been_found_unanimously_guilty_of/
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i watched my classmate murder our professor with a calculator

it was graphic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74isyo/i_watched_my_classmate_murder_our_professor_with/
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How to get laid,

1. Lay on bed.
2. Wait two hours.
3. Lay becomes past tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74irxm/how_to_get_laid/
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My penis was in the Guinness Book of Records...

until the librarian kicked me out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74iqxz/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_records/
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If emotional scars were visible...

Porn would be disgusting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ipzq/if_emotional_scars_were_visible/
%
What is a man's idea of foreplay?

Half an hour of begging...!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74inui/what_is_a_mans_idea_of_foreplay/
%
Sometimes at work...

...I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74inlv/sometimes_at_work/
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Why don't witches wear underwear?

So they can grip the broom better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ini8/why_dont_witches_wear_underwear/
%
Could you please pass the butter?

Two buddies are having lunch one day discussing women, one of the guys says
#1-"Man, yesterday I fucked up bad!"
#2-"Oh yeah? How so?"
#1-" I was at the check-in counter at the airport and this beautiful blonde with huge tits was helping me. I said, gimme a round trip ticket to Tittsburgh and then she punched me."
#2 - " Shit man that ain't nothing, I do that all the time "
#1 - "Really"
#2 - "Yeah just the other day I was sitting having a nice quiet breakfast with the wife. What I meant to say was Honey could you please pass the butter but what I really said was you fucking bitch, you ruined my life!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74inha/could_you_please_pass_the_butter/
%
My deaf friend committed suicide...

I never saw the signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ina5/my_deaf_friend_committed_suicide/
%
“Alexa, turn on CNN. I want to hear the news.”

“You’ll have to pick one or the other.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74iloj/alexa_turn_on_cnn_i_want_to_hear_the_news/
%
A truck full of toupees tipped over on my way to work this morning.

This police are still combing the area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74iirz/a_truck_full_of_toupees_tipped_over_on_my_way_to/
%
What do you call a person who orgasms for the first time?

A newcumer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ifxr/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_orgasms_for_the/
%
I used to have a job transporting addicts to the nearby rehab clinic.

But I got fired because too many of my passengers fell off the wagon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74icf8/i_used_to_have_a_job_transporting_addicts_to_the/
%
A biologist gives birth ...........

A biologist gives birth to a set of twins. She names one Jessica and the other Control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ic0o/a_biologist_gives_birth/
%
A grandad was getting his hair cut....

His young grand daughter was sitting on the floor beneath him eating a muffin.
"Watch out" said the grandad "You are going to get hair on your muffin"
"Not only that" said the grand daughter "I'm going to get tits too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74iaz5/a_grandad_was_getting_his_hair_cut/
%
What do you call masturbation in the Star Wars universe?

A hand solo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74i9z1/what_do_you_call_masturbation_in_the_star_wars/
%
Today my girlfriend told me I was being childish...

... I told the bitch to get the fuck out my couch fortress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74i8ia/today_my_girlfriend_told_me_i_was_being_childish/
%
You really have to feel bad for applesauce producers this time of year...

they never seem to get the press they deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74hwd6/you_really_have_to_feel_bad_for_applesauce/
%
Why did the man fall down the well?

He could not see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74hvw3/why_did_the_man_fall_down_the_well/
%
I saw a glory hole when I went to the toilet at a Pink Floyd concert. That might have been strange for many people, but for me it was just...

Another dick in the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ht5o/i_saw_a_glory_hole_when_i_went_to_the_toilet_at_a/
%
What do you call an eco friendly place that recycles a lot?

r/Jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ht4c/what_do_you_call_an_eco_friendly_place_that/
%
What do you call a river that refuses to see the truth?

Denial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74hst3/what_do_you_call_a_river_that_refuses_to_see_the/
%
When I was a kid, my cousin always cheated at freeze tag.

So I wasn’t surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74hs19/when_i_was_a_kid_my_cousin_always_cheated_at/
%
Why can't T-Rex's clap?

Cause they're dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74hos2/why_cant_trexs_clap/
%
Why do old people like golf?

Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74hnga/why_do_old_people_like_golf/
%
An old man, Jim, goes to the golf course...

An old man goes to the golf course to play a round but needs someone else to help watch his ball. He sees another elderly gentlemen on the putting green. He walks over to him and says " Hey, are you looking to play a round? I could use someone to watch my ball because I can't see very well."
The man on the putting green says " Sure, the names Bob, I'll play with you. What's your name?"
"The names Jim."
So they head to the tee box to take the first shot. Jim hits his shot and it tails off to the right. Bob tees off and they hop in the cart and start driving.
So after driving for a little bit Jim says " alright Bob, did you see where my ball went?"
Bob says " yeah, I saw it"
As Bob remains silent for a minute, Jim finally says" so where did it go?"
Bob says " I'm not sure, I should of told you my sight is good, but my memory ain't worth a damn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74hmp6/an_old_man_jim_goes_to_the_golf_course/
%
Donald Trump, a Black man and a Jew are sitting in a hospital...

their wives all gave birth to healthy babies around the same time and are now resting. The three men are sitting in a room nearby when a nurse comes in and tells them there has been a mix-up, a nurse forgot to put identifying bracelets on the babies before taking them for a medical exam and now they don't know which baby is which.
She asks them if they could help identify their babies and the Jew goes first. One minute later, he steps out of the nursery holding a black baby, the Black man gets up and says ''Hey man, I'm pretty sure that one's mine'' to which the Jew replies ''One of those babies is a Trump, and I'm not taking any chances!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74hhqb/donald_trump_a_black_man_and_a_jew_are_sitting_in/
%
If Valentine's Day is for lovers..

then Palm Sunday is for the single.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74hhfe/if_valentines_day_is_for_lovers/
%
A blonde goes into a library and, speaking clearly and loudly, orders a burger, fries and a milkshake.

The librarian rolls his eyes and says, exasperated, "This is a library, ma'am."
So the blonde leans in and whispers, "Sorry. I'll have a burger, fries, and a milkshake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74hh6p/a_blonde_goes_into_a_library_and_speaking_clearly/
%
Why was the snowman excited?

He heard the snowblower was coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74hdwf/why_was_the_snowman_excited/
%
How did Putin get engaged to Trump?

He went to Jared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74h8di/how_did_putin_get_engaged_to_trump/
%
What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?

beef strokinoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74h4in/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_masturbating_cattle/
%
Did you hear about the poor waitress who lost her leg in a freak accident?

Now she's working at IHOP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74h3im/did_you_hear_about_the_poor_waitress_who_lost_her/
%
so my Irish friend told his town he was an atheist......

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74h24d/so_my_irish_friend_told_his_town_he_was_an_atheist/
%
A rabbit town hall meeting was held to discuss recent events...

A wolf had been coming to the meadow at night, and had killed and eaten a rabbit every night for the past week. They decided to put a watchrabbit on watch. When the wolf came, the watchrabbit would shout "wolf", and they would all hide. Naturally, they chose Roger, who the best eyesight.
Unfortunately, Roger had a stutter. That night, the wolf came, and Roger shouted "w... w... w... w... w... w... " and by the time he managed to say "wolf", the wolf had already killed and taken a rabbit. They held another town meeting, and decided that when they heard Roger say "w... w... w... w... w... w... " they would run and hide.
That night, the wolf came, Roger shouted "w... w... w... w... w... w... " and the rabbits ran and hid. This happened for a few more nights and the wolf gave up and went hunting elsewhere.
The rabbits were very happy and held a big celebration, and awarded Roger  a medal.
Roger said, "hip hip", and everyone replied "HOORAY!"
"hip hip"
"HOORAY!"
"hip hip"
"HOORAY!"
And a hippo came and ate them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74h127/a_rabbit_town_hall_meeting_was_held_to_discuss/
%
What is cardboard's favorite sport?

Boxing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74h110/what_is_cardboards_favorite_sport/
%
Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74gnhy/some_bloke_started_talking_to_me_in_the_pub_last/
%
Two atheists were lost in a desert.

They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.
One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"
The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."
The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."
The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74gmk5/two_atheists_were_lost_in_a_desert/
%
Minecraft taught me one thing

It's never a good idea to spend diamonds on a hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74gmch/minecraft_taught_me_one_thing/
%
What did the ear of corn say when he lost his leaves?

Schucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74gm92/what_did_the_ear_of_corn_say_when_he_lost_his/
%
What do Manchester girls use for protection during sex?

A bus shelter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74gj2p/what_do_manchester_girls_use_for_protection/
%
Homeless people are the most persistent activists in society.

Not a single day goes by without them asking for change!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ghlk/homeless_people_are_the_most_persistent_activists/
%
Three men are at a bar drinking

The first man says “I bet you two I can jump off a building and land without a scratch on me!”
The second man says “You’re on!”
The three men leave the bar and climb to the top of a tall building. The first man says “watch this!” And jumps off the building.
A few minutes later he comes right back to the top and says “I told you so”. The second man can’t believe it and so asks the first man to demonstrate again. So he does with the same result.
The second man says “okay my turn!” and jumps off the building.
The third man turns to the first and says “Superman you’re an ass when you get drunk”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74gfmy/three_men_are_at_a_bar_drinking/
%
To the guy who invented zero:

Thanks for nothing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74gflp/to_the_guy_who_invented_zero/
%
I was fired from the keyboard factory today.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74gffi/i_was_fired_from_the_keyboard_factory_today/
%
What’s the difference between a Skoda and a Jehovah’s Witness?

You can close the door on a Jehovah’s Witness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74gc7e/whats_the_difference_between_a_skoda_and_a/
%
A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck.   The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash.  The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre.  The man explains that the duck is his service pet.   However, because he didn’t have his service pet certification on him, the duck wasn’t allowed in.
The man then goes to the side of the theatre and stuffs the duck down the front of his pants.  With no duck to be seen, the ticket agent allows the man in.  The theatre was packed and the man ends up sitting next to two old ladies.
About twenty minutes into the movie the duck was getting uncomfortable and hot so the man unzips his pants to let the duck breath.   The duck sticks out his head and starts looking around.  One old lady nudges the other lady and exclaims, “Hey, this guy next to me just unzipped his pants.”  The lady furthest away says, “Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all”.  The other lady replies, “Yes, that’s what I thought, but this one’s eating my popcorn”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74g0uu/a_man_goes_to_the_movie_theatre_with_his_duck/
%
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, candied bacon, canadianed bacon, smoked bacon ... In fact there is every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we are saved! Issa bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe it's a mirage? We're in the desert, don't forget."
"Pepe, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon...its no mirage, it's a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to about 5 meters away, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun open fires on them and Luis drops like a wet sock. Luis, mortally wounded, warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, its not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... What is it? "
"Pepe.. its not a bacon tree. Its
Its
Its
Its
Its a ham bush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74fv9r/two_mexicans_are_stuck_in_the_desert_after/
%
Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74fucc/dr_mr_smith_your_wife_is_comfortable/
%
I took my niece to the zoo the other day...

The only animal there was a small, scruffy looking dog.
I called the zookeeper over.
"What's with the scruffy old dog? Why is that the only animal?"
"It's a Shih-Tzu"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74fsvl/i_took_my_niece_to_the_zoo_the_other_day/
%
What did Gordon Ramsey say to the Lion with a speech impediment?

It's FUCKING ROAR!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74fsoq/what_did_gordon_ramsey_say_to_the_lion_with_a/
%
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe damnit! BREATHE!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74fk2j/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
%
With women being able to drive in Saudi Arabia, they will open a woman-only taxi service.

It'll be called NiCab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74fdss/with_women_being_able_to_drive_in_saudi_arabia/
%
A young man sees an old monk

lovingly planting date seeds in his garden, next to his small hut.
A date palm can take almost 15-20 years before it begins to produce fruit. The young man is curious why this old monk is planting date palms.
He approaches the monk, expecting a wonderful discourse on spirituality and karma, and asks him, "Oh wise old monk, will you tell me why you are planting date palms in your garden, when you know that you will never reap its sweet fruits?"
The monk replies, "Son.... Go eat a fat dick. It's my fucking garden, and I will plant whatever the fuck I want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74fbrx/a_young_man_sees_an_old_monk/
%
Wow, somebody actually died from smoking too much weed

His cause of death was "Blunt Force Trauma"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74f9x2/wow_somebody_actually_died_from_smoking_too_much/
%
People with Diarrhoea should eat healthier...

They really need to get their shit together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74f9nr/people_with_diarrhoea_should_eat_healthier/
%
What's a German soldier's favorite vacation spot?

A French retreat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74f8cm/whats_a_german_soldiers_favorite_vacation_spot/
%
Planning on wearing a slutty costume this Halloween?

Dress up as my professors. They never cover anything important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74f70q/planning_on_wearing_a_slutty_costume_this/
%
I caught a fish today, and it pooped in my hand.

Little bass turd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74f3js/i_caught_a_fish_today_and_it_pooped_in_my_hand/
%
A man hears a knock at his door...

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74f1d8/a_man_hears_a_knock_at_his_door/
%
What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74f0vb/what_do_you_call_a_boner_at_a_funeral/
%
What's a newborns favorite A/C setting?

Womb temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ewpx/whats_a_newborns_favorite_ac_setting/
%
Why can't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74evyd/why_cant_you_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
An economists left leg is on fire and his right leg is frozen...

He says "on average I'm perfectly fine".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74evj2/an_economists_left_leg_is_on_fire_and_his_right/
%
How do Japanese dogs say hello

Konnichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74euc1/how_do_japanese_dogs_say_hello/
%
I spent $75 on a penis enlarger

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
Instructions said, “Do not use in sunlight.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74etr4/i_spent_75_on_a_penis_enlarger/
%
What do you do when your Girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use lubricant. ;P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74etal/what_do_you_do_when_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
%
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

...
Make me one with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74esbp/what_did_the_buddhist_say_to_the_hot_dog_vendor/
%
Trump dies and goes to Hell

Upon arrival the Devil tells Trump he can choose one of three punishments set before him.  Trump agrees.
So the Devil and Trump go to see Nixon swimming endless laps in a pool.  Satan asks Trump if this will suit him.  Trump says no I can't swim forever.
So they continue on.  The second former President they see is Bush breaking rocks with a sledgehammer for all of eternity.  Trump again says no because he has bad shoulders.  So they continue on.
Finally they reach Clinton getting his dick sucked by Monica Lewinsky.  Trump tells the Devil that he can surely do this task for all eternity.  The Devil asks Trump if he really wants to do this forever?  Trump answers yes.
So the Devil tells Monica that she is free to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74eqq1/trump_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
Why do women wear undies with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that were buried there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74eqn0/why_do_women_wear_undies_with_flowers_on_them/
%
A man is walking home when he spots a hooker in the shadows

"Twenty bucks" she whispers
After a bit, he agrees, and they head into the nearby bushes
They go at it for about a minute until a light is shined on them by a police officer
"What's goin' on here?!" He asks
"Well, I was just screwing me sister!" Says the man
The cop, a bit disgusted says "oh, sorry, I didn't know"
The man then goes "Well neither did I till you shined the light on her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74epsm/a_man_is_walking_home_when_he_spots_a_hooker_in/
%
What does Activision and a Dairy worker have in common?

They both love milking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74eoss/what_does_activision_and_a_dairy_worker_have_in/
%
Why is the polar bear so friendly?

Cause he's an ice guy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74eo40/why_is_the_polar_bear_so_friendly/
%
What is the average maths teacher like?

Mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74eny2/what_is_the_average_maths_teacher_like/
%
I forgot the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500.

I am LIVID.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74enu5/i_forgot_the_roman_numerals_for_51_6_and_500/
%
I Used to be Indecisive

but now i'm not so sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74emdp/i_used_to_be_indecisive/
%
Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek?

Dad: Cause it's the future son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ejg1/boy_dad_how_come_there_are_no_jews_christians_or/
%
I had my prostate checked the other day...

He said, "Bad news. You are going have to stop masturbating."
"What?... Permanently?..."
"No. Just while I am examining you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ee9l/i_had_my_prostate_checked_the_other_day/
%
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Can you smell carrots?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ebmb/what_did_one_snowman_say_to_the_other_snowman/
%
[NSFW] Three guys go to Vegas

Three guys arrange a weekend in Vegas, kiss their wives goodbye, and hit the road.
As soon as they arrive, the drinking starts and continues late into the night. Eventually  they all tire out and agree to head back to the hotel. For economic reasons they booked a single room, but they were all just gonna pass out anyway, so no big deal. The three collapse on the king size, and black out instantly.
In the morning, they're having a chat over breakfast.
Guy 1 - "You guys, I had the BEST dream last night. I dreamt I was getting a handjob from this gorgeous blonde. She had serious skills!"
"Guy 3 - "Man, mine was totally similar! I dreamt a young Penelope Cruz was stroking me off. Felt so real too!"
Guy 2, looking a little disappointed shakes his head and says. "Man, even in dreams I can't get any... I dreamt I was skiing..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74eb6g/nsfw_three_guys_go_to_vegas/
%
How do you tell the difference between a construction worker and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce the following word:
"U-N-I-O-N-I-Z-E-D"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ea35/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a/
%
"Wanna hear a really good joke about half-grown bananas?"

"Nevermind, now's not the ripe time!" 😉
I made this myself, instead of sleeping at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74e6nx/wanna_hear_a_really_good_joke_about_halfgrown/
%
How do you know you're at a gay barbecue?

The hotdogs taste like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74e6jb/how_do_you_know_youre_at_a_gay_barbecue/
%
Bob and His Boss

In the morning Bob calls to his boss:
Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The Boss replies:
- You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls:
Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74e6cf/bob_and_his_boss/
%
Why are Catholic priests called Father?

Because "Daddy" would be too obvious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74e4kk/why_are_catholic_priests_called_father/
%
Vaccinated kids are more likely to develop autism

The unvaccinated die before they get the chance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74e2k8/vaccinated_kids_are_more_likely_to_develop_autism/
%
We all know that alchemy isn't real.

You can't get gold from lead. You just get lead from Flint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74dyh3/we_all_know_that_alchemy_isnt_real/
%
Scientists have just announced that dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels

So that pushes women down to third place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74dvig/scientists_have_just_announced_that_dolphins_are/
%
What do you call someone who has made the transition from male to female?

A boner disowner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74dn0z/what_do_you_call_someone_who_has_made_the/
%
Why do Crusaders need kitchen sinks?

To wash their Saladin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74dmnq/why_do_crusaders_need_kitchen_sinks/
%
Have you ever had a Bloody Nicole?

It's just like a Bloody Mary, but with OJ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74dlpr/have_you_ever_had_a_bloody_nicole/
%
Why did the little girl cross the road?

She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74dktg/why_did_the_little_girl_cross_the_road/
%
Planning on wearing a slutty costume for Halloween?

Dress up as my professors, they barely cover anything important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74dcg1/planning_on_wearing_a_slutty_costume_for_halloween/
%
Little Johnny was sitting on the porch with his sister

He said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"
His sister jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly squashed by a truck. And Little Johnny just laughed and laughed, because he knew it was only a nickel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74dbfw/little_johnny_was_sitting_on_the_porch_with_his/
%
What do Apple products and the NFL have in common?

The Chargers suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74d8p7/what_do_apple_products_and_the_nfl_have_in_common/
%
Trump, Putin, and Merkel are walking along a waterfront

Trump says, "American submarines are the best. The best, let me tell you. They can stay underwater for two weeks, okay. Two weeks. When anybody asks me who builds the best submarines, I say America. Nobody builds better submarines than us."
Putin says, "That is good, Donald, but I'm afraid Russian submarines can stay underwater for two months at a time."
Suddenly, there is a big commotion in the water. As Trump, Putin, and Merkel turn their heads, they see a large submarine surfacing. Moments later, the hatch opens, and a man in uniforms pops out and says, "Heil Hitler, is ze war over yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74d4r1/trump_putin_and_merkel_are_walking_along_a/
%
I really don't think Googles Pixel 2XL will sell that well in America

however look out when the 4XL comes out as that will be a much better fit for the general public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74d4pt/i_really_dont_think_googles_pixel_2xl_will_sell/
%
Whats the best part of all dad jokes?

The punchline is always a parent .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74d23y/whats_the_best_part_of_all_dad_jokes/
%
How does Han Solo like his is Tauntaun steaks?

Chewie and Luke-warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74d0ba/how_does_han_solo_like_his_is_tauntaun_steaks/
%
I have sex daily

I mean dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74czxf/i_have_sex_daily/
%
If a snake is shedding...

Is it getting ssss-naked?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74cx3m/if_a_snake_is_shedding/
%
I can't wait for Tuesday, February 22, 2022 (2/22/22). .

We can call it... 2's day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74cu0i/i_cant_wait_for_tuesday_february_22_2022_22222/
%
Did you hear about the two gay Irish?

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74cqdh/did_you_hear_about_the_two_gay_irish/
%
Why was the young priest frustrated after spending the night in a convent?

He didn't get nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74cowd/why_was_the_young_priest_frustrated_after/
%
If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74cogc/if_you_want_to_read_the_gospel_according_to_shrek/
%
A guy calls his best friend, hoping to ask him a big favor.

The guy says, _"Hey man, I know this is short notice, but can you watch my mom and my cat for me? I have to go in a business trip and I can't leave them alone."_ His friend responds, _"Sure, no problem!"_ and the first guy goes off on his trip.
Fast forward a few days later and he calls his friend, trying to see how his cat and his elderly mother were. His friend says, _"Oh, dude. Your cat's dead."_ The first guy, obviously distraught, screams, _"You IMBECILE! That's not how you give me the news!"_ The second guy says, _"No? Then show me how."_
The first guy says, _"Listen closely, you moron. I call you, and you say, 'Look, man, I can't talk right now, your cat climbed up a tree, I'll have to call you back.' You call me back a half hour later and say, 'Well, your cat jumped. The fire department's here, and they're doing everything they can to save him.' Then you call me back a half hour later and say, 'I'm sorry, they've done everything they can, but... Your cat... Your cat has passed on.' THAT'S how you give me the news, stupid. But whatever. How's my mom?"_
His buddy responds, _"Well, your mom climbed up a tree..."_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ckr1/a_guy_calls_his_best_friend_hoping_to_ask_him_a/
%
Religious people get mad about abortions because they think it's killing babies.

They must've forgotten what Passover was about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ciiz/religious_people_get_mad_about_abortions_because/
%
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead

...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ci36/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead/
%
What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A-Mean-Oh-Acid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74cd6x/what_do_you_call_an_acid_with_an_attitude/
%
What's Gordon Ramsay's Favorite Egyptian god?

IT'S FUCKING RA!
I haven't seen this here, so sorry if it is a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ccx4/whats_gordon_ramsays_favorite_egyptian_god/
%
You wanna know what’s fucking intense?

Sex while you’re camping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74can7/you_wanna_know_whats_fucking_intense/
%
A mummy was found in Egypt.

The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet adviser appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."
"How did you find out?"
"He confessed," the advisor said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74c368/a_mummy_was_found_in_egypt/
%
I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74buoi/i_felt_like_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
%
A seven-year old boy challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Miami Dolphins, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74btp4/a_sevenyear_old_boy_challenged_a_court_ruling/
%
A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"
The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74btii/a_british_man_is_visiting_australia_for_vacation/
%
I was driving with my wife trying to figure out what to have for lunch

I asked her, "what do you want"?
She said "five guys".
I slapped the shit out of her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74bs4k/i_was_driving_with_my_wife_trying_to_figure_out/
%
Did you hear about the Grecian who ate a radioactive falafel?

He became a super-gyro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74bp56/did_you_hear_about_the_grecian_who_ate_a/
%
First Buddhist: "How's life?"

Second Buddhist: "I've had better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74bn39/first_buddhist_hows_life/
%
What do a truck driver and a slightly aroused man have in common?

They both have a semi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74bmkl/what_do_a_truck_driver_and_a_slightly_aroused_man/
%
I don't even have kids and I always tell dad jokes.

He loves them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74bm88/i_dont_even_have_kids_and_i_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
What do you call a lion who doesn’t eat meat?

A dead lion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74blvr/what_do_you_call_a_lion_who_doesnt_eat_meat/
%
"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74bksg/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
%
I don't like asparagus

It makes my pee taste funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74bk5d/i_dont_like_asparagus/
%
First time I smoked weed was in my brother's car...

must've been some really good shit. Cause I'm an only child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74bjr0/first_time_i_smoked_weed_was_in_my_brothers_car/
%
What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?

A belly button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74bj9v/what_does_an_old_woman_have_between_her_breasts/
%
Never in my life have I had to use the word ducking

But my phone thinks I use it all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74bhk8/never_in_my_life_have_i_had_to_use_the_word/
%
What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

A rook moves horizontally and vertically.
A bishop molests altar boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74bf1y/whats_the_difference_between_a_rook_and_a_bishop/
%
Long before the Turks invented condoms

The greeks invented sex.
And the italians thought it was so good, they introduced it to women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74baac/long_before_the_turks_invented_condoms/
%
The Rich Husband

A cell phone on a bench in the locker room of a gym rang and the man next to it put it on speaker, so everybody could hear.
Everybody immediately stopped talking to listen in on the conversation.
WOMAN - "Hello?"
MAN - "Hello."
WOMAN - "Hi, honey, are you at the club?"
MAN - "Yes."
WOMAN - "I've been shopping around and found a beautiful leather coat, and it only costs $2000. Can I get it?"
MAN - "If you really like it, sure."
WOMAN - "I also stopped by the car dealership, and there's a new model that I really like."
MAN - "How much is it?"
WOMAN - "$90,000"
MAN - "Sure, get it, but for that price, I want all options."
WOMAN - "Great, and one last thing."
MAN - "What is it?"
WOMAN - "I was talking to Sarah a couple hours ago, and the house I really wanted to get two years ago is back on the market now."
MAN - "How much is it?"
WOMAN - "It's $980,000."
MAN - "Alright, offer $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, another $80,000 is worth it if you really like it."
WOMAN - "Okay, I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN - "Bye, I love you too."
The man then hung up. The other men in the locker room were looking at him with surprised faces. The man looked at them and said "Anybody know whose phone this is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74b7wb/the_rich_husband/
%
Just remembered my favourite dad joke of all time.

"Bring me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74b6pl/just_remembered_my_favourite_dad_joke_of_all_time/
%
I’ve just been on Trip Advisor.

Nothing about how to deal with a cut knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74b6gz/ive_just_been_on_trip_advisor/
%
What do you call a cow that has just had an abortion?

Decaffeinated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74b3fo/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_has_just_had_an/
%
Three guys had a very late night drinking

They left in the early morning hours and each went home. The next day, they all met for an early pint and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!"
The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74b1ey/three_guys_had_a_very_late_night_drinking/
%
So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74b19i/so_an_american_walks_into_a_store_in_the_midwest/
%
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74b0pn/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
%
My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74b09x/my_company_got_bought_out_by_a_madrid_based_firm/
%
A man applies for a job as a police officer.

The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.
The man replies: Why the squirrel?
The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74auao/a_man_applies_for_a_job_as_a_police_officer/
%
A pastor was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol.

After endless anecdotes about its evils and dozens of bible passages regarding its sinfulness he concludes quite passionately that if it were up to him he’d dump all the town’s booze into the river.
Following this display the organist leads the congregation in a hymn. They sang “Shall we gather at the river?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74aox5/a_pastor_was_giving_a_sermon_on_the_evils_of/
%
Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.
"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"
Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.
On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into the sand pit. "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed again.
Again, Father Michael warned, "Do not utter such words Father Bob, lest god punishes you for it!"
Father Bob apologized again and they continued playing.
On his third swing, Father Bob hit his ball into the pond. "Damn it! That totally missed!" cursed Father Bob once again.
Before Father Michael could say anything, a ominous dark cloud suddenly gathered out of the blue sky and a vicious lightning came down and stroke Father Michael, killing him instantly.
Father Bob was completely stunned, before he could understand what was happening in front of him, he heard a thunderous deep voice coming from the sky - "Damn it! That totally missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ajgv/two_priests_were_playing_golf/
%
LPT: Remember, besides blueberries, anything blue in the wild is poisonous and not fit for consumption....

The same rule applies to video game cartridges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74ai3b/lpt_remember_besides_blueberries_anything_blue_in/
%
The weird thing about the game Monopoly

Is that only one company can make it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74agy8/the_weird_thing_about_the_game_monopoly/
%
What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74a9px/what_did_the_sushi_say_to_the_bee/
%
If a cable news pundit, a reality TV personality, a political spin doctor, and a serial entrepreneur are all locked in a room together, who would be the first to realize they're of shit?

The room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/749z7u/if_a_cable_news_pundit_a_reality_tv_personality_a/
%
Why do Hanzo players have such high electric bills?

They never switch off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/749onj/why_do_hanzo_players_have_such_high_electric_bills/
%
My wife and I were having sex the other night... [NSFW]

She looked at me with a mischievous smile and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/749obi/my_wife_and_i_were_having_sex_the_other_night_nsfw/
%
You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/749jzm/you_can_tell_monopoly_is_an_old_game/
%
Being a husband is just like any other job

It gets a lot more fun if you like the boss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/749iae/being_a_husband_is_just_like_any_other_job/
%
I have a crippling fear of elevators.

I've started taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/749bkp/i_have_a_crippling_fear_of_elevators/
%
What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk
...dum tss.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/749at6/what_do_you_get_from_a_pampered_cow/
%
How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the shit out of the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7498xa/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Grandpa was sitting on the porch...

...when he saw little Timmy jamming the earthworm back to its hole.
Grandpa: Silly Timmy, you cant put that worm back inside son.
Timmy: Bet you $50 i can grandpa.
Grandpa: Sure, its a deal!
So little Timmy gets hairspray from the house and sprayed it all over the worm, the worm stiffened like a stick and Timmy was able to put it back inside its hole. Grandpa, looking amazed, gives Timmy the $50, grabs the hairspray and went inside the house.
15 minutes later Grandpa came back with another $50 and gave it to Timmy
Timmy: Grandpa, you already gave me $50.
Grandpa: Oh, this one is from your grandma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74936l/grandpa_was_sitting_on_the_porch/
%
Wouldn't you all agree that you just sleep better naked?

I don't understand why the flight attendant was yelling at me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/748ze4/wouldnt_you_all_agree_that_you_just_sleep_better/
%
IT Students

An IT student is walking along with his bike when another IT student walks up to him and goes “Nice bike. Where did you get it?”
The first student says, “The other day, this beautiful woman ran up to me with this bike, threw it on the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said ‘Take anything you want!’”
The first student says, “So I took the bike”.
The second student says, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/748xwb/it_students/
%
The county agricultural show

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,"That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/748wq3/the_county_agricultural_show/
%
A man using Apple maps walks into a bar

Or a pharmacy, or maybe a shoe store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/748szp/a_man_using_apple_maps_walks_into_a_bar/
%
They say the male and female reproductive system is very similar

But I think there's a vas deferens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/748i6j/they_say_the_male_and_female_reproductive_system/
%
What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain can finish a race
Sorry if this has all ready been posted....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/748cuf/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
%
At the doctor's

After a lot of medical tests the doctor says to the patient:
"I have 2 bad news for you. First is, you have cancer. The second one is you have Alzheimer". To which the patient answers : " Thanks god its not cancer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/748c3u/at_the_doctors/
%
A leprechaun walks into a bar

I guess it wasn't set very high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/748ayl/a_leprechaun_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What is E.T short for?

To fit in his spaceship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7487ti/what_is_et_short_for/
%
She said she'll go out with me when pigs can fly

But she also said men were pigs, so I don't know what she's waiting for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/748778/she_said_shell_go_out_with_me_when_pigs_can_fly/
%
Knock knock.

Who's there?
The interrupting sloth.
The interrupting sloth who?
Ahhhhhh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7486mj/knock_knock/
%
Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?

They gave each other the willies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74859o/did_you_hear_about_the_two_gay_ghosts/
%
The problem of working in IT:

If everything works fine: "What the hell are we paying you for?"
If something breaks: "What the hell are we paying you for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/747yeq/the_problem_of_working_in_it/
%
What's a phrase you can't stand to hear?

"Sorry sir, but we had to amputate both legs.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/747wv6/whats_a_phrase_you_cant_stand_to_hear/
%
An over the shoulder stare followed by a seductive wink is one of the sexiest things in the world.

Not during a rectal exam though!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/747we1/an_over_the_shoulder_stare_followed_by_a/
%
A man has just died.

As his soul leaves his body and begins to float towards the clouds, he hears a loud, booming voice.
**"Come. Come towards the light, my son."**
And so he does.
Meanwhile, atop his cloud, God laughs, as another human hits his bug zapper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/747syb/a_man_has_just_died/
%
A fish swimming in a river hits into a wall and yells

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/747sss/a_fish_swimming_in_a_river_hits_into_a_wall_and/
%
Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/747si2/dont_drink_too_much_liquor_you_will_go_to_hell/
%
I call my penis “Pluto”

It’s too small to be one of it’s kind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/747rc9/i_call_my_penis_pluto/
%
The day I found my first gray hairs...

I thought I'd dye!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/747r94/the_day_i_found_my_first_gray_hairs/
%
A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/747m0t/a_teacher_a_garbage_collector_and_a_lawyer_wound/
%
Do you sell a book "How to get rich in three months"?

Clerk: "Yes we do sir, can I recommend another book with that, other buyers have found it very useful?"
Guy: "Of course, I would gladly take a look, what is it?"
Clerk: "Penal Code - Commented edition"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/747jwc/do_you_sell_a_book_how_to_get_rich_in_three_months/
%
It's the year 2295...

Dude: I'm a classically trained guitarist.
Neo-90s Kid: Radical!
Dude: So anyway, here's Wonderwall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/747hcc/its_the_year_2295/
%
Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.
And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/747exr/did_you_know_that_the_condom_was_invented_by_the/
%
Difference between Hypothetical and actual

So a young boy comes home from school and says, "dad, my teacher said my homework for the night is to find out the difference between hypothetical and actual."
His dad says, " well son, go ask your mother if she'd sleep with her boss for a million dollars. Then, go ask your sister if she'd sleep with her principal for a million dollars and come back, tell me what they said. "
So the young boy goes and asks both his mom and sister, comes back. "dad, they both said yes."
"Well son, that's your answer."
"But I don't get it", the boy says.
"Ya see, HYPOTHETICALLY we could be millionaires but, we're ACTUALLY living with a couple of whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/747bej/difference_between_hypothetical_and_actual/
%
Why do black people have nightmares?

Because we killed the only one with a dream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7479ez/why_do_black_people_have_nightmares/
%
What is the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus

The picture only needs one nail to hang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74798s/what_is_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a/
%
Guy enters a pet shop

Guy: Hi. I'm looking for a dog.
Shopkeeper: male or female?
Guy: Bitch, please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7478uh/guy_enters_a_pet_shop/
%
I'd love to make a joke about Valve releasing a new game when hell freezes over...

But then again, hell actually might freeze over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74728w/id_love_to_make_a_joke_about_valve_releasing_a/
%
A beggar asks a man for 5 bucks.

Man: "What do you need 5 bucks for?". Beggar: "I need it to buy drugs". Man: "Oh yeah? And how do i know you won't spend it on food?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/746xwt/a_beggar_asks_a_man_for_5_bucks/
%
What do periods and jail time have in common?

They both come after sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/746x0x/what_do_periods_and_jail_time_have_in_common/
%
What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/746ur6/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
%
Why is Kim Jong-un so smart?

Because he is Supreme Reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/746qdx/why_is_kim_jongun_so_smart/
%
I was crying as my dad chopped up onions...

He was a really good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/746oa7/i_was_crying_as_my_dad_chopped_up_onions/
%
Autumn is best enjoyed in all her glory.

Unfortunately, the police officers who arrested me outside her window didn't agree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/746lc9/autumn_is_best_enjoyed_in_all_her_glory/
%
I wish I had a home big enough for all the homeless people in my town.

They wouldn't be allowed to come there. That's just how big I want my house to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/746jm8/i_wish_i_had_a_home_big_enough_for_all_the/
%
Kid comes home from school and says 'Dad, we're gunna be rich tomorrow'.

Dad's like 'How?!?!'
'My math teacher said he's gunna teach us converting cents into dollars'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/746hfx/kid_comes_home_from_school_and_says_dad_were/
%
How do you find a blind guy in a nudist colony?

it isn't hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/746bok/how_do_you_find_a_blind_guy_in_a_nudist_colony/
%
My therapist suggested I write letters to all the people I hate and set fire to them. I tried it and feel a lot better...

But now what do I do with all these letters?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/746bl2/my_therapist_suggested_i_write_letters_to_all_the/
%
My girlfriend invited....

My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me 'we should have sex while my sister isn't home. I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I found my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said 'you've won my trust'.Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/746ars/my_girlfriend_invited/
%
A Mexican magician came up to me and said "I can disappear in 3 seconds"

"uno"
"dos"
...
he disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/746a4v/a_mexican_magician_came_up_to_me_and_said_i_can/
%
A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub.

The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me."
The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7469qj/a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk_into_a_pub/
%
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7468xw/how_do_you_follow_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
Watt is love?

Baby, don't hertz me.
Don't hertz me.
No mho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7467wc/watt_is_love/
%
What's a lesbian's favourite cookie?

Lady fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74651s/whats_a_lesbians_favourite_cookie/
%
Handjob $5

A man walks into a restaurant, and begins reading the menu handed to him by this hot blonde waitress with great looking tits.
* Nachos $4
* Hamburger $3
* Hotdog $2
* Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3
* Grilled Cheese $2
* Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50
* Handjob $5
After he looks over the menu for a moment he asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Why yes I am.", replies the waitress seductively.
To which the man replies, "Wash your hands! I'd like a hamburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74636w/handjob_5/
%
A duck walks into a bar...

And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.
The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."
A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"
The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7461na/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the group lobbying against Viagra?

They were met with stiff resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745woq/did_you_hear_about_the_group_lobbying_against/
%
Do you know why all the O2 molecules are intelligent?

Because an stupid one would be an Oxy-Moron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745vhv/do_you_know_why_all_the_o2_molecules_are/
%
I love playing Harry Potter make believe with my kid.

That's why he lives under the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745u0n/i_love_playing_harry_potter_make_believe_with_my/
%
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius

But his brother Frank was a monster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745sk9/we_all_know_albert_einstein_was_a_genius/
%
What do you call two cashews having sex?

Idk but it’s fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745sfr/what_do_you_call_two_cashews_having_sex/
%
What store does Batman go to?

Bed, Bat, and Beyond

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745pqa/what_store_does_batman_go_to/
%
People call me Ruthless...

ever since my grandma died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745phl/people_call_me_ruthless/
%
My boss told me to have a good day...

So I went home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745nyi/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
%
Why is sperm donations are more valued than blood donations?

Because they're hand-made

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745had/why_is_sperm_donations_are_more_valued_than_blood/
%
A logician was asked if his child was a boy or a girl.

He replied, "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745h99/a_logician_was_asked_if_his_child_was_a_boy_or_a/
%
Johnny asks grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"

Grandpa says: "Yes, but only oral."
Johnny asks: "Oral! How?"
Grandpa says: "I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745e11/johnny_asks_grandpa_do_you_still_have_sex_with/
%
Never date a tennis player

To them, love means nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745d4h/never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
I was hit in the head with a soda can...

...luckily, it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745c5s/i_was_hit_in_the_head_with_a_soda_can/
%
What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead.  I'll give these two a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745a7j/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
%
A man from Yale walks out of the bathroom...

A man from Yale walks out of the bathroom his hands still damp from washing his hands. His co-worker from Harvard asks why his hands are wet. The man from Yale says, "At Yale, we are taught to wash our hands after using the restroom." The Harvard man says, "At Harvard, they taught us not to piss on our hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/745a1t/a_man_from_yale_walks_out_of_the_bathroom/
%
I didn't study for the Canadian History test and still got a hundred

It was easy, all the answers were A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7459w5/i_didnt_study_for_the_canadian_history_test_and/
%
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?

They were Fascistanating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74586f/why_did_everyone_want_to_go_to_italy_during_world/
%
Once the night watchman received a pound too much in his pay-packet

But he didn't mention it to his boss. But his boss found out and deducted it the following payday.
'Hey, ' said the watchman, 'I am a pound short this week.'
'You didn't say anything last week when you were paid a pound too much, I noticed'
'NO', replied the watchman. 'I can overlook one mistake but when it happens twice, it's time to speak up!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74582g/once_the_night_watchman_received_a_pound_too_much/
%
People always make fun of my dad because his name is Chip and he is a Dorito farmer

You might think that is cheesy but actually we got to grow up on a really cool ranch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7454z7/people_always_make_fun_of_my_dad_because_his_name/
%
Did you guys hear about the new board game sweeping the Iberian peninsula?

Settlers of Catalan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7454sn/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_new_board_game/
%
Why do guys with foot fetishes have so many friends?

Because they always get off on the right foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7454ga/why_do_guys_with_foot_fetishes_have_so_many/
%
So there’s 3 tomato’s ..

... Papa Tomato, Momma Tomato and Baby Tomato walking along the street. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato starts getting really angry. So, he turns around and squishes Baby Tomato and says, 'Ketchup.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7452y0/so_theres_3_tomatos/
%
How many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns ?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/744xso/how_many_nuns_could_a_nunchuck_chuck_if_a/
%
What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons?

A crustacean menstruation station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/744xmb/what_do_you_call_a_crab_holding_a_basket_of/
%
Tom Petty died yesterday of a cardiac arrest

I blame the Heartbreakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/744wzy/tom_petty_died_yesterday_of_a_cardiac_arrest/
%
When I go to a costume party this year, I'm showing up wearing only a pair of jeans.

That way when I'm asked what my costume is, I'll say "I'm a premature ejaculator. I just came in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/744ul1/when_i_go_to_a_costume_party_this_year_im_showing/
%
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?

A nervous wreck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/744sz9/what_lies_at_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_and_shakes/
%
Etiquette rule #381: When on a romantic date with a lady, you feel the need to use the bathroom, excuse yourself by saying:

Excuse me, I need to go shake hands with a dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to later tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/744m9j/etiquette_rule_381_when_on_a_romantic_date_with_a/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep just like Grandma.

Not screaming in panic like the passengers of her car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/744js4/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_just_like/
%
A man wakes up late one night to find his wife eating candy.

The man says "Honey, why are you eating that this late at night?"
and his wife replies with "Because unlike you, Snickers satisfies me."
Credit to Ronnie Serrano.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/744ixp/a_man_wakes_up_late_one_night_to_find_his_wife/
%
85% of Millennials struggle with figuring out the opposite of these words.

Always
Coming
Take
Me
Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/744gnc/85_of_millennials_struggle_with_figuring_out_the/
%
My Math Teacher Called Me Average

How mean!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/744efh/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/744c74/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
Guy goes to the doctor...

G- "Doctor, I have a problem. Every morning I take a shit at exactly 8 o'clock."
Dr- "And? That seems perfecly normal."
G- "Yeah, but I wake up at 9."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/744ak0/guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What do politicians, naked women, and electrons all have in common?

**They change their behavior when being observed.**
(Does anything else?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7448ef/what_do_politicians_naked_women_and_electrons_all/
%
I've been stealing products from the hygiene store

I need to come clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7446ty/ive_been_stealing_products_from_the_hygiene_store/
%
Susan and Jack both work at a small company that sells widgets.

Monday morning, their supervisor Bill, finds out there have been budget cuts and he has to let one of them go by Friday.
Bill thinks, “Jeez, this really sucks. Susan and Jack are both excellent employees, they were both hired at the same time so neither has seniority, they’re never late, never miss a day of work, always happy to work OT when required.” Finally, Bill decides the choice will be completely random; whoever goes to the water cooler first gets the axe.
Monday passes, then Tuesday, then Wednesday, Thursday morning rolls by and no one has even gone near the water cooler. Thursday lunch comes and goes and Bill is getting worried; he needs to make a decision soon.  Late in the afternoon Susan walks up to him and says, “Hey Bill, do you have any aspirin? I’ve got a wicked headache.”
Bill says, “Sure, Susan, of course.” he hands her two aspirin and Susan heads over to the water cooler. With a heavy heart, Bill follows her over. “Listen Susan, I really don’t know how to say this, but I’m afraid I’m either going to have to lay you or Jack off.”
Susan turns to him and says, “You’re going to have to jack off, I’ve got a wicked headache.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7444dw/susan_and_jack_both_work_at_a_small_company_that/
%
My grandpa told me that my generation relies too much on technology...

I told him: No grandpa, your does. Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7443yt/my_grandpa_told_me_that_my_generation_relies_too/
%
earth was cool

till it lost its art, now its just "eh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/743y6f/earth_was_cool/
%
What do you call a chick who doesn’t suck dick?

You don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/743xi5/what_do_you_call_a_chick_who_doesnt_suck_dick/
%
Why do Communists Type in Lowercase Letters

Because they are anti-capitalism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/743vsn/why_do_communists_type_in_lowercase_letters/
%
I bought a dog once.

Named him "Stay". "Come here, Stay." He's insane now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/743smb/i_bought_a_dog_once/
%
Did you know that in ancient Greece, Hippasus was exiled for discovering that some numbers could not be described with simple whole numbers or fractions?

How irrational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/743mdx/did_you_know_that_in_ancient_greece_hippasus_was/
%
My friend David lost his id

Now we just call him Dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/743iqo/my_friend_david_lost_his_id/
%
What is Stephan Hawking's favorite porn genre?

Ebony. The dude loves black holes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/743ibl/what_is_stephan_hawkings_favorite_porn_genre/
%
Have you read Rusty Bed Springs?

It was written by I.P Nightly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/743gnk/have_you_read_rusty_bed_springs/
%
Are you a washing machine?

Because I wanna fill you with my dirty load.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/743fat/are_you_a_washing_machine/
%
A pair of Arms, a pair of Legs and a head have a swimming race...

All contestants dive in, the arms take the lead with the legs just behind, however the head has sunk to the bottom. The arms eventually win, with the legs in second.
They recover the head and they asked what happened? The head replied "I've been training for 6 months using my ears and just before we start, some c**t put a swimming cap on me"
*Edit, spelling mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/743bpt/a_pair_of_arms_a_pair_of_legs_and_a_head_have_a/
%
Have you read the book Grand Canyon mishap?

It was written by Illen Dover and Phil Lin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7439ph/have_you_read_the_book_grand_canyon_mishap/
%
What do you call a kid who likes butts when he gets older?

A grown ass man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7438vq/what_do_you_call_a_kid_who_likes_butts_when_he/
%
Words can't describe how beautiful you are.

But the date can. 3/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/743773/words_cant_describe_how_beautiful_you_are/
%
A genie grants a Bear and a Squirrel each 3 wishes.

Wish 1: The Bear wishes that every bear in the world would become female.
Wish 1: The Squirrel wishes for a motorcycle he can ride.
Wish 2: The Bear wishes that every female bear in the world would fall in love with him.
Wish 2: The Squirrel wishes for a helmet.
Wish 3: The Bear wishes that none of the female bears ever wanted to get married.
Wish 3: The Squirrel wishes the Bear was gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7436z0/a_genie_grants_a_bear_and_a_squirrel_each_3_wishes/
%
What kind of motorcycle has the best sense of humor?

Yamahahaha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7434zj/what_kind_of_motorcycle_has_the_best_sense_of/
%
Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man, you really look tired..”

His buddy says, “Dude, I'm exhausted.  My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night.  She wakes me up at all hours.  I just don't know what to do.”
A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says... “Marry her.  That'll put a stop to that nonsense.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7434gp/two_guys_in_their_midtwenties_are_sitting_at_a/
%
Who said "Coming are the British! Coming are the British!"

Paul Reverse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/742vqx/who_said_coming_are_the_british_coming_are_the/
%
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/742noi/do_you_ever_wake_up_kiss_the_person_sleeping/
%
I remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket

He said “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/742n9p/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said_to_me/
%
Having more kids is like making movie sequels

They require a bigger budget, have a worse plot, and get progressively more difficult to name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/742mp4/having_more_kids_is_like_making_movie_sequels/
%
Women say I have commitment issues because of my unhealthy relationship with my father

But I still talk to my dad all the time, our sex life has never been better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/742m12/women_say_i_have_commitment_issues_because_of_my/
%
A cute girl winked at me

She must be extra interested because she winked with both eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/742kx1/a_cute_girl_winked_at_me/
%
How does batman schedule a task on his computer?

With a .bat script

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/742j7f/how_does_batman_schedule_a_task_on_his_computer/
%
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay $400 to have a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/742h1f/whats_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a/
%
I went to bed with a 9 and woke up with a 6....

I wasn't drunk. She just changed positions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/742aje/i_went_to_bed_with_a_9_and_woke_up_with_a_6/
%
This girl I like told me she wouldn't sleep with me if we were the last two people on Earth.

I tell her, "If we're the last two people on Earth, who's gonna stop me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74299l/this_girl_i_like_told_me_she_wouldnt_sleep_with/
%
I once went to a Native American restaurant but was turned away.

They told me it was reservation only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7425ii/i_once_went_to_a_native_american_restaurant_but/
%
I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%!

/r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7423vp/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_98/
%
A limbo champion walks into a bar.

He got disqualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7421vw/a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem

comes out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/741zo3/so_this_guy_with_a_premature_ejaculation_problem/
%
I love water...

I practically shower in that shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/741xvi/i_love_water/
%
An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar.

They each order a Guinness.  As soon as their beers are served three flies come along and one drops in each beer.
The Englishman looks at his, goes "blech!", and pushes the beer away.
The Scot looks at his, shrugs, fishes out the fly, and drinks his Guinness.
The Irishman fishes his fly out and flicks it repeatedly yelling "spit it out you dirty bastard!  Spit it out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/741ulb/an_englishman_a_scot_and_an_irishman_walk_into_a/
%
Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat...

... and then blame it on the boyfriend
Credits ~ Anthony Jeselnik

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/741sfx/just_heard_my_ex_just_moved_in_with_her_boyfriend/
%
My dad keeps making jokes about eyes

They get cornea and cornea every time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/741s0c/my_dad_keeps_making_jokes_about_eyes/
%
a little boy is being potty trained by his parents.

All starts going well except when in restaurant, the kid shouts "I need to pee!"
Embarrassed, the parents come up with a new idea. They tell their son "from now on, when you need to pee, just say you need to whisper". The son likes the idea. When he needed to go, he would say "Dad! I need to whisper!" Dad takes him to the bathroom. The plan is a success and everyone is happy.
One day, the parents head out on Saturday and leave the son with Grandpa.
That afternoon, the son and Grandpa go out to the mall. They have a nice fast food lunch, have some popcorn and candy and even watch a movie. It's not long after the boy feels that familiar pressure in his bladder.
He goes up to his Grandpa and says "Gramps! I gotta whisper!" What is that son? "Gramps! I gotta whisper!" Well go ahead son, let it out.
The boy says "No Gramps, you don't understand I need to _whisper_!" kneeling down to the kids level, he says, son, Go ahead and go! The boy replies "Gramps! I *really gotta you know* _WHISPER_!!"
Gramps leans over to the boy and says, I see now. Well, go ahead then. Just whisper in my ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/741r1g/a_little_boy_is_being_potty_trained_by_his_parents/
%
Last night I was talking to God and he sneezed

I had no idea what to say

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/741poz/last_night_i_was_talking_to_god_and_he_sneezed/
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A lady asked a man if he smokes...

The man said yes
Lady : How many packs a day ?
Man : 3 packs
Lady : How much per pack
Man : $10.00
Lady : And how long have you been smoking ?
Man : 15 years
Lady : So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be$10,800 correct ?
Man : Correct
Lady : If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct ?
Man : Correct
Lady : Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari ?
Man : Do you smoke ?
Lady : No
Man : Where's your Ferrari then ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/741p4k/a_lady_asked_a_man_if_he_smokes/
%
A couple were Christmas shopping

The shopping center was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said: " Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and  I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said: "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied:  "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/741ms1/a_couple_were_christmas_shopping/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

A little over half way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/741kil/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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I was really poor growing up.

If I hadn’t been born a boy I’d have had nothing to play with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/741aog/i_was_really_poor_growing_up/
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What do you call a weapon made of sodium chloride?

A salt rifle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7418o4/what_do_you_call_a_weapon_made_of_sodium_chloride/
%
How are a horrible pun and paper the same?

They are both terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7415sk/how_are_a_horrible_pun_and_paper_the_same/
%
What's the world coming to?

Porn, I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7415lm/whats_the_world_coming_to/
%
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? 🤔🤔🤔

They don't want to be confused with *feminists*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/741383/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
%
Hey girl, is your name Colin Kaepernick?

Cause I got a feeling I'm gonna see you on one or more knees tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/740zmr/hey_girl_is_your_name_colin_kaepernick/
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I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/740vwj/im_starting_a_gym_where_we_bring_exercise/
%
Billy Mays is up in heaven...

Partying like it’s $19.99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/740uvq/billy_mays_is_up_in_heaven/
%
A penguin is driving on a hot summer day when his car...

... suddenly starts to make noises and smoke out from under the hood. The penguin coasts into the service space and stops at the garage.
The mechanic there tells the penguin it's going to take a bit of time to see what the problem is, and starts working on the car, so our penguin shuffles out of the garage into the supermarket next door, frozen goods aisle, to get out of the summer scorch and get a bit of a cool-down.
Half an hour later, the penguin shuffles back to the garage, and the mechanic raises his eyes and tells him:
"Looks like you've blown a seal"
"Oh no, that's just some ice cream I ate earlier"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/740p35/a_penguin_is_driving_on_a_hot_summer_day_when_his/
%
What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs?

Sparkles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/740ne9/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_steel_balls_and_no/
%
What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/740mnk/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_works_for_the/
%
What happened to the plant in math class?

It grew square roots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/740ilo/what_happened_to_the_plant_in_math_class/
%
{NSFW i think.} Turkish immigrant in Germany.

This guy called "Temel" is new in germany and he works at a factory, one day he recieves a letter from his little village in Turkey, the letter says: "Temel come to your village! Your wife is dead" so temel takes the first bus to Turkey and finally arives at his home, everyone is in front of his house crying and wondering how it could happen, so Temel runs inside and sees his wife on the ground, he sits next to her and start crying, but then all out of sudden her wife stands up and says : "Temel! I missed you so much so i faked my dead so i could see you again!" And they had some great sex, They walk outside and all the villagers are wondering how she could come back to life..
Temel tells them he fucked her and she came back to life, everyone is happy and Temel returns back to germany to earn some money..
Couple months later he recieves another letter "Temel, your father died last night! You should come to see your father for the last time" so he takes the first bus back to turkey and arrives at his home, everyone is at the front door crying and Temel is also crying and asks them " Where is my father?"
The villagers say "Don't tire yourself.. we have been fucking him for a week straight and he still didn't come back to life.."
Sorry for the bad English, lol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/740glt/nsfw_i_think_turkish_immigrant_in_germany/
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Batman at McDonald’s

What's your chicken sandwich called?
- A McChicken
And the rib?
- A McRib
[Pulls out his Batwallet] I like your style.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/740f3w/batman_at_mcdonalds/
%
H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/740btd/h2o_is_water_and_h2o2_is_hydrogen_peroxide_what/
%
If you have a bee in your hand, what's in your eye?

Beauty, cause beauty is in the eye of the beeholder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7406ds/if_you_have_a_bee_in_your_hand_whats_in_your_eye/
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For as long as anyone could remember ...

this indian chief was in charge of naming all the children that were born in the tribe.
One day, this one brave comes up to him and says " Chief, how do you name these children? How do you think of their names ?"
The chief says "Very simple, when a child is born and i see snow gently falling, i say you should be called *SNOW GENTLY FALLING and when a child is born and i see a hawk flying over, i say you should be called *HAWK FLYING OVER, but tell me *TWO DOGS FUCKING why are you so interested?"
-Silkwood 1983

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/74045j/for_as_long_as_anyone_could_remember/
%
My doctor told me to stop drinking brake fluid because I was too addicted

I told him I could stop at any time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7403mg/my_doctor_told_me_to_stop_drinking_brake_fluid/
%
Brad Pitt, Donald Trump, an old man, and a young boy are flying on a plane that's about crash but there are only 3 parachutes.

Brad Pitt, grabbing a parachute, says: "I'm sorry, guys. My kids need me, my fans need me, I'm outta here." He jumps.
Donald Trump says: "I'm sorry, too, but I'm going to be the smartest president to ever govern the United States." He jumps.
Finally, the old man says to the boy: "You know what? I lived my life to the fullest, now it's your turn. Go ahead and take the last parachute." The boy looks at the man and responds: "There's no need for that. The smartest president ever just took my school bag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73zv9p/brad_pitt_donald_trump_an_old_man_and_a_young_boy/
%
A decrepit drunk decides it's finally time to leave the bar.

He stands up, wobbles a bit, and proceeds to throw up all over the front of his shirt. He looks down and bursts into tears.
The bartender walks up and says, _"Hey bud, what's wrong?"_
Between sobs, the drunk says, _"My life is over. I told my wife I would quit drinking, and just look. She's gonna leave me. I've ruined everything."_
The Bartender tells him _"Don't worry. Here's what you do: take a $20 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell your wife you saw a buddy who was drunk and you helped him home, and in the process he gurved up all over your shirt. Felt so bad he gave you money to get it dry cleaned. Just that easy!"_
The drunk agrees, sticks the money in his shirt and stumbles home. Sure enough, at home his wife is waiting in the doorway, positively fuming. _"Where the hell have you been?! Have you been drinking again?! What did I say?!"_
_"Honey, honey, calm down. I helped a buddy who was drunk home and he chundered all over me. But look - he gave me $20 to get my clothes cleaned."_
She reaches in his shirt pocket - _"There's $40 dollars here, though."_
_"That's because he also shit in my pants."_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73zshl/a_decrepit_drunk_decides_its_finally_time_to/
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I would make a chemistry joke, but seems like all the chemists here...

...Argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73zres/i_would_make_a_chemistry_joke_but_seems_like_all/
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Are you today's date

Because you're 3/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73znge/are_you_todays_date/
%
Got checked out by cute girl

The total was $3.92

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73zlnd/got_checked_out_by_cute_girl/
%
What happens to your eyesight when you have kids?

You get adult super vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73zkzl/what_happens_to_your_eyesight_when_you_have_kids/
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I didn't go to college, I went to the 'School of Hard Knocks'.

Because I wanted to get a job as a door-to-door hearing aid salesman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73zhpv/i_didnt_go_to_college_i_went_to_the_school_of/
%
Mathematics is 90% common sense,

the other half is intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ze8p/mathematics_is_90_common_sense/
%
I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a shit in days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73zdjz/im_emotionally_constipated/
%
Life is like toilet paper,

you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73zd89/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
%
Vader has a pretty sweet suit.

It must have cost at least an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73zc7g/vader_has_a_pretty_sweet_suit/
%
What is M. Night Shyamalan's favourite dance?

The samba
Bet you thought it was the twist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73z58x/what_is_m_night_shyamalans_favourite_dance/
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John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now?

A concussion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73z3mg/john_has_20_watermelons_and_tim_has_none_john/
%
Hey girl, are you the Bible?

'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73z037/hey_girl_are_you_the_bible/
%
What do you call a porn site for amputees?

PornNub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73yzo4/what_do_you_call_a_porn_site_for_amputees/
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Why Islam is growing rapidly !!!

Father Francis of Bradford was unhappy that the church attendance had steadily declined in the past few years but the mosque across the street was jampacked every Friday.
So he invited the imam for a cup of tea and then finally brought up the topic
Imam :So tell me,what happens if a man visits church every Sunday and follows the word of Jesus
Father: He will go to heaven after he dies
Imam: What will he get there?
Father: He will forever be in the company of Father,Jesus,Holy Spirit,Virgin Mary...
Imam: Thats the problem, Only One Virgin...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73yzl4/why_islam_is_growing_rapidly/
%
Remember, marriage isn't simply a word:

It's a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73yz3j/remember_marriage_isnt_simply_a_word/
%
What do you call a redditor with an opinion?

Names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73yuf1/what_do_you_call_a_redditor_with_an_opinion/
%
Why did the hikers laugh at the mountains?

Because they were hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ytmz/why_did_the_hikers_laugh_at_the_mountains/
%
HOW DO YOU KILL A CIRCUS CLOWN??

A: Go for the juggler!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73yta9/how_do_you_kill_a_circus_clown/
%
What's 6 inches long , 2 inches wide and it drives the ladies wild?

Yup, you guessed it a 100 bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ymnq/whats_6_inches_long_2_inches_wide_and_it_drives/
%
**What did hurricane Irma say to the coconut palm tree?**

Hold on to your nuts this ain't no ordinary blow job!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ylwl/what_did_hurricane_irma_say_to_the_coconut_palm/
%
Welcome to your first day of class

Today we will be studying binary 5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73yl8h/welcome_to_your_first_day_of_class/
%
A midget sat next to me.

So I'm riding on the bus and this midget comes on and sits beside me.
After a couple of stops, the driver slams on the brakes and the midget slides off the seat, so I grab him by the arm and sit him down again.
Next stop, the same thing happens so again I grab him by the arm and sit him down.
By the fifth stop, the same thing happens and I'm irrirated so I grab him and say: "Hold on tight you dumb midget or you gonna keep sliding off the seat".
He turns around and says to me: "My stop was 5 stops ago, I've been trying to get off the bus you sunabitch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73yl2m/a_midget_sat_next_to_me/
%
A man in France tried to rob a bank using underwear as a mask...

...the cops put him in jail right after a quick debriefing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73yiif/a_man_in_france_tried_to_rob_a_bank_using/
%
Hey girl, didn't we go to high school together?

Fuck me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ygwi/hey_girl_didnt_we_go_to_high_school_together/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. She slinks over and leans over the bar, revealing her ample cleavage.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ygml/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign_that_reads/
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Why is it hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.
Ps - Yes, I stole this joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ybm3/why_is_it_hard_to_explain_puns_to_a_kleptomaniac/
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I'm not a narcissist

I don't give myself enough credit
Credit: drunk friend at a party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73yabg/im_not_a_narcissist/
%
My auntie has a traditional remedy for Tourette's.

She swears by it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73y9um/my_auntie_has_a_traditional_remedy_for_tourettes/
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What do you get when you combine Titantic with the Sixth Sense?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73y7ym/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_titantic_with/
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down.

Bartender asks: "What can I get you?"
Guy says: "Jack and coke"
Bartender nods, goes under the bar, gets up, and puts an apple on the bar. The guy says, "I ordered a Jack and coke, what the hell is this." Bartender says "Just try it." The guy takes a bite and says to the bartender: "Holy shit this tastes just like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says "Turn it around." Guy turns the apple around, takes another bite and says "Holy shit this tastes just like coke!"
Another guy comes into the bar, sits near the first guy.
Bartender asks: "What can I get you?"
Guy says: "Vodka tonic."
Bartender nods, goes under the bar, pulls out an apple, and places it on the bar. The guy says "What the hell is this?" Bartender says, "Just try it." The guys does and exclaims "This tastes just like tonic!" The bartender says "Turn it around." The guy does and says "Wow! This tastes like vodka!"
A third guy walks into the bar and sits down. The other two guys say: "This bartender has magic apples that taste like whatever you want! Seriously order ANYTHING and he'll give you an apple that tastes like it!"
The guy says to the bartender: "Okay then, I want an apple that tastes like pussy."
The bartender nods, goes under the bar, takes out an apple, and places an apple on the bar. The guy picks it up, takes a bite and immediately spits it out.
The guys says: "This is disgusting! This tastes like ass!!"
The bartender says: "Turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73y4xr/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_down/
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My English teacher asked if I could explain brevity better.

Short answer, no.   Long answer, yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73y45k/my_english_teacher_asked_if_i_could_explain/
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A woman sitting at a bar orders a double entendre...

He gives it to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73y28w/a_woman_sitting_at_a_bar_orders_a_double_entendre/
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A guy goes to the doctor (NSFW)

A guy goes to the doctor and he says:
"Doc,  you gotta help me! I wake up in the morning and I fuck my wife. Then on the way to work I carpool with the neighbours wife and she blows me! I get to work and I fuck one of the girls on the photocopier.  Coffee break I fuck the bosses wife. Lunch break I take the secretary to a hotel and I fuck her in the ass cos that's how she likes it.  Get home the maids on all fours so I fuck her like that,  and then before I go to bed I fuck my wife again!"
The doctor replies "so what's the problem?"
The guy goes "it hurts when I jerk off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73y22m/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_nsfw/
%
Two bacteria walk into a bar.

The bartender says, _"We don't serve bacteria here."_ And the bacteria says, _"But we work here. We're staph."_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xy9z/two_bacteria_walk_into_a_bar/
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What's they call a British mans penis

A chap stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xvax/whats_they_call_a_british_mans_penis/
%
They call me The Tripod

Her: So why do they call you 'Tripod'?
Me: Let me unzip this and show you...
*opens camera case and takes really steady photo*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xs1o/they_call_me_the_tripod/
%
What's orange, empty headed, and tries to be scary?

A jack o'lantern!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xq2r/whats_orange_empty_headed_and_tries_to_be_scary/
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I've never actually seen two women scissoring

But I bet you it sounds like an arm pit farting contest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xpfn/ive_never_actually_seen_two_women_scissoring/
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Western tourist in North Korea

So a western journalist goes on a tour of North Korea. He flies in to Pyongyang, an officially government licensed tour guide shows him around. He sees all the wonderful stores and streets that the city has to offer, and then finally he comes to the magnificent 30-story tall Kim Jong Un monument.
"Wow this is very beautiful, you must be very proud of it!" he said
his tour guide nodded— "yes, we must be very proud."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xlw1/western_tourist_in_north_korea/
%
What's the difference between medium and rare?

5 inches is medium, but 8 is rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xkm1/whats_the_difference_between_medium_and_rare/
%
The meaning of life..

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xkig/the_meaning_of_life/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One of them is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xja8/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
A teacher calls her first grade class in

from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xj3d/a_teacher_calls_her_first_grade_class_in/
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I used to think my autocannibalism made me cool.

Now I realize I was just full of myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xiqw/i_used_to_think_my_autocannibalism_made_me_cool/
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What's Dr.Dre's favourite vegetable?

Beets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xifj/whats_drdres_favourite_vegetable/
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What do you call a snake 3.14 meters long?

A Pi-thon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xi5m/what_do_you_call_a_snake_314_meters_long/
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A man burglarizes homes so he can afford to renovate his kitchen...

I guess you could say he's taking things for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xens/a_man_burglarizes_homes_so_he_can_afford_to/
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Woman can't get mating dogs apart

A woman had two dogs that she hadn't had fixed, but always kept them from mating.  One night she wakes up at 2 AM to this terrible howling.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and is unable to separate them.
She called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”
“Do you think that will work?” she asked.
“Just worked for me,” he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73xbib/woman_cant_get_mating_dogs_apart/
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Do you know how to cook toilet paper?

No, but I do know how to brown it on one side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73x2m6/do_you_know_how_to_cook_toilet_paper/
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So what if i don't know what Armageddon means?

It's not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73x1v3/so_what_if_i_dont_know_what_armageddon_means/
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What's a condom's favorite spice?

Cumin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73wyfc/whats_a_condoms_favorite_spice/
%
I recently saw an advertisement for a double entendre contest

So I entered my friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73wwl5/i_recently_saw_an_advertisement_for_a_double/
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My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73wthw/my_roommate_told_me_my_clothes_look_gay/
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A bartender broke up with her boyfriend,

but he kept asking her for another shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73wt9t/a_bartender_broke_up_with_her_boyfriend/
%
Why can’t bicycles stand on their own?

Because they’re two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73wsno/why_cant_bicycles_stand_on_their_own/
%
If you are what you eat...

...then I am an innocent man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73wrzp/if_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
What does a Mexican bachelor make for dinner?

Dinner for Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73wqrk/what_does_a_mexican_bachelor_make_for_dinner/
%
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73wmf6/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
%
It's hard being a mute.

So they say...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73wk9r/its_hard_being_a_mute/
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And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73wheg/and_god_said_to_john_come_forth_and_you_shall_be/
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A Ghost Walks Into A Bar

"I'm just here for boos"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73wfwa/a_ghost_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Have you heard about the homosexual wizard?

He disappeared with a poof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73wcsi/have_you_heard_about_the_homosexual_wizard/
%
I slept through a burglary once and it was a fatal mistake.

Next thing I knew I was being thrown in a police van.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73wbbb/i_slept_through_a_burglary_once_and_it_was_a/
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When I was 7 my parents moved to New York.

When I was 14 I found them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73waw5/when_i_was_7_my_parents_moved_to_new_york/
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What do you call cheese from god?

Swiss cheese. Why? Cuz it’s hole-y!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73w96z/what_do_you_call_cheese_from_god/
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What do you call Hulk dressed up as Captain America?

Star-Spangled Banner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73w5x9/what_do_you_call_hulk_dressed_up_as_captain/
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Confuse two different sayings, shame on you

But teach a man to fish, shame on me for life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vzwa/confuse_two_different_sayings_shame_on_you/
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If the Stork brings good babies, and the Crow brings bad babies, what brings no babies?

The Swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vx98/if_the_stork_brings_good_babies_and_the_crow/
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Looking for A Way Out

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.
As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right. Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?"
"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vwz3/looking_for_a_way_out/
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How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?

Right before the pump turns off, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vwo2/how_do_you_know_when_a_male_porn_star_is_at_the/
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Car Dealership Screw Job

A patrolman was making his evening rounds in this small town. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
“Heavens no, we bought it,” replied one lady.
“Then why don’t you drive it away?”
“We can’t drive.”
“Then why did you buy it?”
“We were told that if we bought a used car here, we’d get screwed… we’re just waiting.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vw3q/car_dealership_screw_job/
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Have you met my vegetarian girlfriend?

No, I've never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vug0/have_you_met_my_vegetarian_girlfriend/
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Have you heard about the obese, alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted was to eat, drink and be Mary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vtrp/have_you_heard_about_the_obese_alcoholic/
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Yo momma's so fat

If she were a spice girl, she would be pumpkin spice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vtad/yo_mommas_so_fat/
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Why don't Asian couples have Caucasian children?

Because two Wongs don't make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vsmo/why_dont_asian_couples_have_caucasian_children/
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Why did the girl get the waitress job?

You could say she brings a lot to the table....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vr7c/why_did_the_girl_get_the_waitress_job/
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It's great that Saudi women are now allowed to drive!

Now lesbians can drive themselves to their own stoning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vqrm/its_great_that_saudi_women_are_now_allowed_to/
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How do emo people support themselves?

With a rope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vnuf/how_do_emo_people_support_themselves/
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I went to a comedy club the other night, and the comedian didn't show up.

No joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vj9z/i_went_to_a_comedy_club_the_other_night_and_the/
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Why did Helen Keller get in a car accident?

Because she's a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vhbt/why_did_helen_keller_get_in_a_car_accident/
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Two drunk men

Two guys were drinking at a remote bar.
When it was closing time the men started to leave and were thinking which route to take home. They decided that the fastest way was trough the swamp, because the main road was 10 miles and the swap route was only 5.
The bartender rushed to the men and warned them about the swamp.
Be carefoul there, i heard that swamp faggots roam around there.
The men laughed and took the swamp route anyway.
As they were walking along the pathway in the swamp they fell into an bog eye.
The men were in serious trouble as they sank and were waist deep in the bog. They started to yell help
In the mist they saw a man coming toward them. They shouted for help. As the man came closer they noticed that he was naked. As the man reached them the confused men asked him to pull them out of the bog.
I will help you on on condition he said.
If you suck my dick i will help you.
What the hell dude NO you fucking swamp faggot replied the men.
Well have fun drowning then the naked man said.
The men were now chest deep in the bog when they saw another man come closer. He was also naked.
The men pleaded once more for help.
I will help you if you let me fuck you in the ass, said the man
Get the hell away from us you swamp faggot the two men shouted
If you insist the naked man said as he walked away.
Now neck deep in the bog the men were desperate and would do anything to get out of the bog. Right as they were losing hope a third man came towards them. They shouted to the man that they would suck his dick and let him fuck them in the ass if he helped them.
The man came closer to them and looked them in the eye.
He then pushed both men all the way in the bog and drowned them.
As he begun to walk away he looked at the bog where he two men were and said
Fucking swamp faggots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vezb/two_drunk_men/
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Hey girl, are you an obelisk?

Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vcff/hey_girl_are_you_an_obelisk/
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Do you know the the sex of Google?

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vcee/do_you_know_the_the_sex_of_google/
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What has 6 sides and flies?

A box with flies in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73vaf4/what_has_6_sides_and_flies/
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A man is walking down the beach

And he spots a little girl with no arms and legs crying next to the water. The man sits down next to her, and aks "Why are you so sad?" She replies "I've never got a hug in my life" the man grabs the girl and gives her the best hug ever given in mankind.
The next day he's walking down the beach again, and the girl is still at the same place crying. "What's the matter this time little girl?" The man asks. She tells him she has never got a kiss in her life, so the man gives her a big kiss on her cheek and walks on.
On the third day, the man spots the girl again next to the water, he asks "why are you still crying?" She tolds him she's never been fucked in her life. The man looks arround, grabs her tightly and throws her in the water... "So, now you're fucked!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73v6av/a_man_is_walking_down_the_beach/
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What has no mass?

An empty church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73v1nz/what_has_no_mass/
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johnny in the math class

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73v0u2/johnny_in_the_math_class/
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Steps to success:

1.  Predict the end of the world.
2.  Write a book about it.
3.  Prophet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73v03s/steps_to_success/
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Whenever I'm out drinking I flip a coin

If it lands on heads, I get another drink, if it lands on tails, I flip the coin again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73uzku/whenever_im_out_drinking_i_flip_a_coin/
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Why did the kid drown in school?

He got below C level grades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73usou/why_did_the_kid_drown_in_school/
%
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, ‘No, first a Gibson!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73upuo/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
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What do you call Basil, Pine Nuts, and Olive Oil with a bad attitude?

Pestomistic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73uif1/what_do_you_call_basil_pine_nuts_and_olive_oil/
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What did the first vegetable say when asked to prove its sentience?

I think therefore I yam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73uevb/what_did_the_first_vegetable_say_when_asked_to/
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AI will silently take over a lot of industries until it gets to carpentry...

then suddenly everyone will start coming out of the wood work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73udem/ai_will_silently_take_over_a_lot_of_industries/
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I walked out my house this morning...

And a man threw milk and cheese at me.
I thought, “How dairy?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ud91/i_walked_out_my_house_this_morning/
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I asked my friend in North Korea how things are going there currently

He said he couldn't complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73u5ew/i_asked_my_friend_in_north_korea_how_things_are/
%
How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not that hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73u4ey/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
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I'm so unfamiliar withe the local gym

I have to call it the *James*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73u4ce/im_so_unfamiliar_withe_the_local_gym/
%
Why did the blind man fall into the well...

Because he couldn't see that well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73u3so/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
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Last night I dreamt in color...

Turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73u1fq/last_night_i_dreamt_in_color/
%
how did Cookie Monster decide who'd win the oscars?

he went through all the nom-nom-nominations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73u0kq/how_did_cookie_monster_decide_whod_win_the_oscars/
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How will a border wall keep us safe...

If it keeps Americans IN?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73tzi9/how_will_a_border_wall_keep_us_safe/
%
An old shoe is down on his luck

, he is desperate to turn his life around and has tried everything but nothing has worked yet. The shoe goes into a bar to have a drink and think about where he went wrong. A man approaches him and buys him a beer, he then reveals himself to be the Satan himself. He tells the shoe he can have anything in the world but he must pay a price. The shoe asks what the price would be for a new chance on life, a fresh start where he can fix all of his mistakes he made as a young sneaker. The devil nods and thinks to himself and then replies, "I'll give you a new lace on life in exchange for your sole"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73tyno/an_old_shoe_is_down_on_his_luck/
%
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73tyhr/i_took_my_grandma_to_a_fish_spa_center_where_the/
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2 Men are sitting in a bar.

One man asked the other
-tell me do  you ever take your wife in the other hole?
-no, then she would become pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73txsk/2_men_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
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I’ve heard one beer = 7 slices of bread

I ate a whole loaf and I’m not drunk yet.
Did I do it wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73tvk8/ive_heard_one_beer_7_slices_of_bread/
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My wife left me because I am too insecure

No, wait she’s back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ttrd/my_wife_left_me_because_i_am_too_insecure/
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An elderly couple are in church.

The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73trok/an_elderly_couple_are_in_church/
%
My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73tql3/my_wife_made_me_dinner_the_other_day_she_got/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.The bus driver says,

"That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73tpy1/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_babythe_bus_driver/
%
Why did the pun taste good?

Because it was corny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73tnwl/why_did_the_pun_taste_good/
%
Girl, is your H+ concentration 1x10^14?

Because you're basic asf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73tntr/girl_is_your_h_concentration_1x1014/
%
A police officer stops a car and says:

- "Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge - you win $10,000!"
- "What will you do with that money?"
The driver gets very emotional and says,
- "First of all, I'll finally make my drivers license!"
The wife cuts in,
- "Don't listen to him, officer, he's still drunk!"
A-hard-of-hearing granny from the backseat grumbles,
- "I knew we shouldn't have taken the stolen car!"
A voice from the trunk adds,
- "Hey, are we past the border yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73tn6n/a_police_officer_stops_a_car_and_says/
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73tmx4/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
%
You know how i escaped Iraq?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73tkin/you_know_how_i_escaped_iraq/
%
The US must be very tired...

They've certainly missed all the wake up calls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73thfb/the_us_must_be_very_tired/
%
Why did the test tube go to college?

To become a graduated cylinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73tfox/why_did_the_test_tube_go_to_college/
%
English is a difficult language.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73tebd/english_is_a_difficult_language/
%
An alcoholic goes into a bar

And sees a sign "All you can drink: $30".
Tells the bartender "I'll take two".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73tb7v/an_alcoholic_goes_into_a_bar/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks"
I said "Don't mention it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73takl/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
What is the difference between my family and yogurt?

Yogurt has culture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73t9ub/what_is_the_difference_between_my_family_and/
%
What's the difference between a bj and anal...

One can make your whole day and the other can make your hole weak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73t8v2/whats_the_difference_between_a_bj_and_anal/
%
How many NRA members does it take to change a lightbulb?

More Guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73t5kj/how_many_nra_members_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
When do you stop at Green and go at Red?

When eating a watermelon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73t5jn/when_do_you_stop_at_green_and_go_at_red/
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A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...

Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and  his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it  if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"
"That would suit me just fine!!!"
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little,  just out of the  corner of his left eye..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73t4fn/a_married_man_left_work_early_one_friday_afternoon/
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Bulls on a Parade

On a hot sunny day, I went to a record store. A song was playing on the speakers. Angrily, I picked up a hammer and started banging the speaker system.
The confused owner asked, "What is this?"
I said, "Rage Against the Machine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73t2yz/bulls_on_a_parade/
%
The doctor gave me 5 month to live.

So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.
And the judge gave me 25 years.
Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73szlj/the_doctor_gave_me_5_month_to_live/
%
Why are ethiopian children always crying?

Midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73swkn/why_are_ethiopian_children_always_crying/
%
Tallahassee, FL (AP) - A 7 year old boy was at the center of a court room drama yesterday when he challenged the court’s ruling of who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and was initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beats him more than his parents, and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he should live with his grandparents, the boy cried and then stated they beat him also.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life for them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Falcons, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone. They blew a twenty eight to three lead. #Neverforget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73swja/tallahassee_fl_ap_a_7_year_old_boy_was_at_the/
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An old man goes to his doctor.

The doctor says "I got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer's."
And the old man says "At least I don't have Cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73sv5o/an_old_man_goes_to_his_doctor/
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I'm a chemist and I can play the guitar

Anyway, here's Van der Waal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ssiu/im_a_chemist_and_i_can_play_the_guitar/
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After riding my bike for three hours I discovered a new dinosaur

The Mega-sore-ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73sqht/after_riding_my_bike_for_three_hours_i_discovered/
%
I saw a magic tractor today

I was following it down the road and it turned into a field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73smt3/i_saw_a_magic_tractor_today/
%
How do you catch an escaped bra?

You have to set up a booby trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73smpz/how_do_you_catch_an_escaped_bra/
%
What do you call wine made of broken glass?

Shardonnay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73smnc/what_do_you_call_wine_made_of_broken_glass/
%
A few years ago, my mum went on vacation without me.

I was younger then and not sure what to do in that situation so I invited a few friends over and we got drunk. This really pissed off my wife, who thinks I may be too attached to my mum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73sluo/a_few_years_ago_my_mum_went_on_vacation_without_me/
%
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad

The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73slpq/one_night_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_sad/
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What does Spider-Man do after he gets hurt?

He checks Web MD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73sl4z/what_does_spiderman_do_after_he_gets_hurt/
%
My wife woke up with a smile on her face this morning.

God I love sharpies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73sk2x/my_wife_woke_up_with_a_smile_on_her_face_this/
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Why did two mice fall in love?

They just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73sjqt/why_did_two_mice_fall_in_love/
%
What do Winnie the Pooh and Alexander the Great have in common?

They have the same middle name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73sgo1/what_do_winnie_the_pooh_and_alexander_the_great/
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Why do Irish stews have only 239 beans in them?

Because if there was one more, it would be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73sesy/why_do_irish_stews_have_only_239_beans_in_them/
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Did you hear about the bombing at the garment factory?

Apparently there were over 100 casual tees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73sdlv/did_you_hear_about_the_bombing_at_the_garment/
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Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick

How low can you go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73sdj9/someone_broke_into_my_house_and_stole_my_limbo/
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A girl once asked her dad about her name

One night, Cupcake asks her dad how she got her name. So her dad tells her that cupcakes was something her mom loved to eat before she got pregnant. Her older brother then asks the dad about how he got his name.
Dad: Shut up, Dick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73sbv0/a_girl_once_asked_her_dad_about_her_name/
%
Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73sav6/why_dont_ants_get_sick/
%
[Long] Last Friday, I took a guest to a fancy restaurant.

I noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"
He explained,
"The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. Approximately 3 spoons per table per hour are dropped. If our staff carry spoons, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare one.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's zip. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their zips. I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, can you tell me why you have that string there ?"
Then the waiter lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. Accenture also suggested we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our manhood, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 45%."
I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back ?"
He whispered, ''We use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73s72u/long_last_friday_i_took_a_guest_to_a_fancy/
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Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73s6od/russia_started_a_new_website_that_tracks_down_and/
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[NSFW] Little Johnny went to church with his father

Little Johnny's father decided that they would be going to their local Catholic Church, so, that Sunday morning they got up, and his entire family went down to the local church...around an hour later, as they are leaving the church, Little Johnny looks up at his father and asks "Dad, why doesn't someone get Jesus a girlfriend?" His father, confused replies "what do you mean?" So, little johnny explains "Well, if we don't get salvation until he comes again...and god said you can't masturbate, we should get Jesus a girlfriend so we can have salvation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ruvf/nsfw_little_johnny_went_to_church_with_his_father/
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My wife got angry at me because I didn’t hold the door open for her

....Well I was trying to swim to the surface

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73rpgl/my_wife_got_angry_at_me_because_i_didnt_hold_the/
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Why do riot police like to get to work early ?

To beat the crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73rnls/why_do_riot_police_like_to_get_to_work_early/
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Why wife says that I have two problems

One that I'm a bad listener, and some other shit she was rambling on about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73rn00/why_wife_says_that_i_have_two_problems/
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What do you call a young eigensheep?

A lamb, duh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73rfj2/what_do_you_call_a_young_eigensheep/
%
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73rexm/last_night_a_chinese_guy_came_to_my_favorite_bar/
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Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73rebl/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
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A redneck is selling sausages.

A woman walks up to him and places an order.
The woman asks, "Can I have one hot dog please?"
"How would you like your *meat*?"
The redneck gives the woman a wink
The woman replies, "In bread."
She shoots a wink back at him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73rea9/a_redneck_is_selling_sausages/
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My wife and I decided we don't want to have kids anymore.

So anybody who wants one can leave us their address and phone number and we'll bring you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73qznd/my_wife_and_i_decided_we_dont_want_to_have_kids/
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What kind of sex do homeless people have?

Bum sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73qxnt/what_kind_of_sex_do_homeless_people_have/
%
20 years

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"You know I would have gotten out today."
😢

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73qn98/20_years/
%
It's a well-known fact that Hitler...

It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.
One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful for your advice. I'm wondering something though, how come you never told me something that would be important to me  like when will I die?"
The astrologer said "Mein Fuhrer, you never asked."
Hitler says "I'm asking you now, do you know the day I'm going to die?"
The astrologer says "as a matter of fact I do know the day. You're going to die on a Jewish holiday."
Hitler is shocked, "that's a horrible thing - a Jewish holiday! What Jewish holiday am I going to die on?"
The man says. "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73qm0e/its_a_wellknown_fact_that_hitler/
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I asked my dad for his best joke

He said "I can't think of the best joke... but you're definitely the worst."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73qlgb/i_asked_my_dad_for_his_best_joke/
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A message from my late father...

"Caught in traffic. Running behind."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ql9n/a_message_from_my_late_father/
%
I have sexdaily!

I mean dyslexia!
FCUK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73qa5l/i_have_sexdaily/
%
Why did the chicken kill itself?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73q4yh/why_did_the_chicken_kill_itself/
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What is Borat's Favorite Band

Slip...
...
...
...
...
Knot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73pyo3/what_is_borats_favorite_band/
%
Why did the Spanish police wake up and arrive early?

So they could beat the crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73puyg/why_did_the_spanish_police_wake_up_and_arrive/
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I like incorporating my fetish into my job...

It keeps me working hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ppoz/i_like_incorporating_my_fetish_into_my_job/
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Trump" his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but let's have a game of golf and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73pmtu/dave_was_bragging_to_his_boss_one_day/
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There are three rings of marriage.

The engagement ring.
The wedding ring.
Then the suffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73pl1b/there_are_three_rings_of_marriage/
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A woman awakens during the night to find her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?".
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or i'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have gotten out today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73pjnv/a_woman_awakens_during_the_night_to_find_her/
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A nun gets into a cab

As she's riding along, she notices the cabbie keeps eyeing her in the mirror. "Is something the matter?" She asks. Embarrassed the cabbie answers, " Well sister, I only have a few months left to live, and I've always fantasized about having sex with a nun. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be forward, but you wouldn't consider...." "Oh my!" She exclaims. "I could never break my vow of chastity!"  After pausing for a moment she said, "But I do want to help you, so I suppose we could have anal sex. That would be a sin, but I could seek forgiveness and not break my vow." "Oh sister", the cabbie replied, "that would be such a wonderful thing for you to do for me!" "But only on two conditions, " the nun  comes back. " I can't commit adultery so you must be single, and you must be a devout catholic." The cabbie responds, "I'm unwed, and I attend mass every Sunday at St. Paul's."  "Alright then," she replies. The cabbie pulls into an alley and gets into the back seat. The nun pulls up her habit and slides down her panties. The cabbie proceeds to give her a good long anal ride before finally climaxing and moving back to the driver's seat.  As he watch's the nun straightening her habit, he feels a pang of guilt. "Sister, I've got to admit I lied" he says "I'm not dying, I am married and I've never been inside a church in my life. Can you forgive me?" Smiling the nun answers, "I must admit I lied too. My name's Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73pi8z/a_nun_gets_into_a_cab/
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People with which blood type tend to misspell things?

TypO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73pfnn/people_with_which_blood_type_tend_to_misspell/
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They say that 9 out of 10 redditors are dumb

I am so glad I am part of the other 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73pcj1/they_say_that_9_out_of_10_redditors_are_dumb/
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What is another name for a dental assistant?

A flossitute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73pb4q/what_is_another_name_for_a_dental_assistant/
%
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73p6o7/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked...

"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, his friend returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" The friend looked up, tears in his eyes, and said, "Your house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73p5l1/a_guy_stuck_his_head_into_a_barber_shop_and_asked/
%
If I am terrible in bed...

does that mean I'm bad to the bone?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73p26h/if_i_am_terrible_in_bed/
%
Just a whisper.

So my mother in law was in town today, and we took my son to Walmart to get him something for his birthday. I'm off looking at the fishing rods, and my son Johnny is with his grandmother.
I guess he told her he has to pee, and she got really embarrassed. Told him it's not a polite word, and he should say he has to whisper instead.
So they come find me, and he looks at me and says "Daddy, I need to whisper."
So I kneel down on the floor, and tell him to whisper in my ear. And that's the last time I let my mother in law come stay with us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73p0fv/just_a_whisper/
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My friend says there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends.

I sure hope it’s Paul, he’s super cute!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ozjo/my_friend_says_theres_a_gay_guy_in_our_circle_of/
%
A man goes to the circus.

After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.
-"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.
-"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.
-"Pssh, a lot of people can do that".
-"Oh well", the man says and flies away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ot1z/a_man_goes_to_the_circus/
%
Women are like AT&T contracts

Take it or leave it, either way you're fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73onwm/women_are_like_att_contracts/
%
A man is handing out Halloween treats when...

... he hears a small knock at the door. Opening it, he finds a child dressed as a thief. "Here you go, two pieces of candy! Take it and go!" The man laughs.
Moments later, another knock at the door. Opening it, the home owner finds a child dressed as a clown. "Hmm." The man looks the kid up and down. "Not funny, but here's one piece of candy for trying."
A short time passes, another knock. He finds a child dressed as Donald Trump. The man SLAMS the door in the child's face without so much as a word.
Not even five seconds have passed when there's a series of loud, angry knocks on the door. This time, there's an angry adult on the other side.
"I was walking my own son through the neighborhood and saw you slam the door on that poor little boy! Just because of how he was dressed? Buddy, you and I have a problem."
"Listen," the home owner replied, "He's been here three times, and didn't even change the costume."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73omji/a_man_is_handing_out_halloween_treats_when/
%
I made myself a mushroom omelet this morning.

It was a breakfast of champignons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73omhc/i_made_myself_a_mushroom_omelet_this_morning/
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At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'
'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73oliq/at_the_zoo_i_noticed_a_slice_of_toast_in_one_of/
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Worldwide survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ok6f/worldwide_survey/
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Where does coffee go when it dies?

A bitter place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73oidd/where_does_coffee_go_when_it_dies/
%
I prefer my alcohol like I prefer children

Aged in a barrel and chilled on the rocks in my cellar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ofd6/i_prefer_my_alcohol_like_i_prefer_children/
%
What happens when a frog parks illegally?

He gets Toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ocbg/what_happens_when_a_frog_parks_illegally/
%
I never drink and drive

I do my drinking before driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73o9yr/i_never_drink_and_drive/
%
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player?

Because to them love means nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73o7o5/why_shouldnt_you_marry_a_tennis_player/
%
I don't trust stairs

They're always up to something...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73o7c5/i_dont_trust_stairs/
%
I've heard that Donald Trump doesn't like having Japanese black beans in his office...

... but I know he's not at all averse to having a Russian chickpea in bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73o4ib/ive_heard_that_donald_trump_doesnt_like_having/
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Have you guys heard about the female rapper who performs on her menstrual cycle?

They say she has a mean flow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73o3bk/have_you_guys_heard_about_the_female_rapper_who/
%
I'm a social vegan.

I avoid meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73o2s2/im_a_social_vegan/
%
My therapist says I'm a delusional narcissist who uses dismissive indignation as a coping mechanism

That was really hard to hear from a stupid jealous piece of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73o0ch/my_therapist_says_im_a_delusional_narcissist_who/
%
My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week

I told him because it's only Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73nyit/my_boss_asked_me_why_ive_already_been_late_three/
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I got fired from my job because I couldn't add 6 + 4

The position became untenable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73nxn6/i_got_fired_from_my_job_because_i_couldnt_add_6_4/
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My wife asked me that if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73nve1/my_wife_asked_me_that_if_i_could_have_a_threesome/
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Two guys want to go out on the town drinking

But between the two of them, they only have about $15. So they are pondering the best way they can go out on the town and get drunk with the money they have. All of a sudden, Guy 1 says "hey,  I have an idea! Give me the money you have, and I'll be right back." He goes to the corner deli store and comes back with a piece of 8 inch sausage.
Guy 2: "dude, what the hell is that for? At least with the money we did have, we could have bought a 12 pack or a cheap bottle of booze to share."
Guy 1: "Hear me out. We'll go to the bar, drink our fill, and when we're done, I'll put this sausage between my legs. You get down on your hands and knees, act like your sucking on it, and they'll surely kick us out and we won't have to pay!"
Guy 2 thinks it over, and he really wants to go out on the town and drink, so he agrees to it. They go to the bar, drink their fill, and when they're ready to leave, Guy 1 puts the sausage between his legs, and Guy 2 acts like he's sucking on it. The bartender says "that's disgusting! Get the hell out of here!" And throws them out, without having to pay their bill.
This goes on for 7 or 8 bars, well into the night. Finally, Guy 2 says "dude, I've had enough. I'm totally shit faced, hammered drunk, and ready to go home."
Guy 1 says: "Oh, that's alright. I lost the sausage at the 3rd bar anyways."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73nv9w/two_guys_want_to_go_out_on_the_town_drinking/
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Why did the bucking bull retire?

So it could become a bull dozer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73nrt2/why_did_the_bucking_bull_retire/
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Why some of your hairs have turned white?

Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73nra4/why_some_of_your_hairs_have_turned_white/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

Because the p is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73npjh/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_in_the_bathroom/
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"This trampoline is for men only."

-mysogymnast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73noyu/this_trampoline_is_for_men_only/
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A Turtle, a Grasshopper, and a Centipede are Drinking Beers

A turtle, a grasshopper, and a centipede are all sitting together drinking beers. They run out of beers, and the grasshopper says, "alright who's going to go buy some more some more?"
The turtle says, "I'd go, but it'll take me forever."
The grasshopper says, "I'd go but by the time I came back all the beer would be foam.
The centipede says, "Alright, I'll go." One hour passes, then two, and after two and a half hours the turtle and grasshopper are pissed. They open up the front door to look outside and see the Centipede sitting there.
Then, the turtle yells, "what the fuck centipede, it's been two hours and you haven't left?!"
The centipede replies, "Can't a brother put on his shoes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73nlks/a_turtle_a_grasshopper_and_a_centipede_are/
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A man is ready to do it for the first time [NSFW]

He walks into a pharmacy late at night and goes to the counter, approaching the girl standing on the other side. "Do you have any condoms?" He asks her. "Yes, we have a few kinds. This is our best." She presents him with a blue box and says "Do you know how to use them?" He shakes his head. "Follow me, I'll show you." She takes through the door to the back room, and turns to face it. She opens the box and takes one out, and puts it onto her thumb, explaining the process as she goes. When she's finished, she takes it off and throws it out. "Did you catch all of that?" She asks. "I believe so," replies. "Have you ever had sex before?" She asks, locking the door. "No," he answers. "Alright, put one on like I showed you, and let's give you a crash course."
After an hour of going at It, she feels a few spurts deep inside her.
She turns around and asks "Did you put on the condom?" He looks at her and smiles, holding up and wiggling his thumb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73nles/a_man_is_ready_to_do_it_for_the_first_time_nsfw/
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I got a vasectomy and my girlfriend still got pregnant.

Apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73nixn/i_got_a_vasectomy_and_my_girlfriend_still_got/
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A man is sitting on the couch one evening when his son walks in and tells his father he lost his virginity

The father jumps up from joy and claps his hands and says: Congratulations son! Here, have a beer and take a seat.
The son says: The beer I can take, but I can not sit for a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ngy5/a_man_is_sitting_on_the_couch_one_evening_when/
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A secretary, a salesman, and their boss...

A secretary, a sales rep, and their boss are walking to lunch when  they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in  a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one wish."
The secretary says, "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."  Poof! She's gone.
The sales rep says, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life. " Poof! He's gone.
"OK,  you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: let your boss speak first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ng1s/a_secretary_a_salesman_and_their_boss/
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A woman is driving for the first time on a highway.

Her husband calls her while she is driving. "Be careful honey, it was just broadcasted that someone's driving the wrong way on the highway."
"Someone?" the wife replies. "These idiots are in hundreds!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73nbia/a_woman_is_driving_for_the_first_time_on_a_highway/
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A Story About My Time with a Homeless Man

Insert Rick and Morty joke here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73nbcb/a_story_about_my_time_with_a_homeless_man/
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Nobody dies a virgin...

... In the end life fucks us all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73nb3w/nobody_dies_a_virgin/
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A woman walks into the meatshop

And asks for chicken breasts. The butcher opens up the refrigerator, picks the last one up, and plops it on the weighing machine. The woman goes " It's only 400 grams, don't you have anything heavier?"
The butcher thinks for a while, takes the chicken breast back to the refrigerator, pulls the same one out, and plops it back to the weighing machine. Only this time, he puts the weight of his hands along with the meat.
" There you go mam! 700 grams of fresh chicken breasts", The butcher exclaims.
The woman looks at it, sighs, and says " I guess that might still not be enough for the party. Fuck it, give me both of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73n96e/a_woman_walks_into_the_meatshop/
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer today..

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73n69f/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_today/
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I saw a chicken staring angrily at the road

I wondered, "Why did the road cross the chicken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73n58u/i_saw_a_chicken_staring_angrily_at_the_road/
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A man is tired of fast paced city life so he decides to move to the country

As he is unpacking his new redneck neighbor walks over to his place.
"Howdy" he shouts, "To celebrate my new neighbor moving out here I thought we should throw a little party, there's gonna be a whole lotta dancing, a whole lotta drinking and a whole lotta screwing"
The city slicker gets excited and says "Sounds great! What should I bring ?"
The redneck replies "Anything you want ! Its only going to be me and you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73n39j/a_man_is_tired_of_fast_paced_city_life_so_he/
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A meth user, An alcoholic, and a prostitute are all in a car. Who's driving?

The Police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73n0xt/a_meth_user_an_alcoholic_and_a_prostitute_are_all/
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I found a way to save 27 million tons of paper per year

I signed up for e-mail receipts at CVS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73mw1t/i_found_a_way_to_save_27_million_tons_of_paper/
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Did you know penguins scream during sex?

Maybe not all of them?
But definitely the one I cornered at the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73mviz/did_you_know_penguins_scream_during_sex/
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A pastor cuts his chin while shaving one Sunday morning.

He hurriedly puts a band-aid on and rushes to his church for the 10:00 am service.
Afterwards, a member of the congregation, an older woman, comes up to the pastor and asks, "Excuse me, but what happened to your face?" The pastor replies "I was thinking about my sermon and I cut my chin." The old lady rolls her eyes and says "Maybe you should think about your chin, and cut your sermons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73mtpi/a_pastor_cuts_his_chin_while_shaving_one_sunday/
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A sheep, a drum and a snake fell down a cliff

Ba-Dum-Tsss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73mlql/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fell_down_a_cliff/
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I started using tinder, then got a couple matches but...

I started a forest fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73mizu/i_started_using_tinder_then_got_a_couple_matches/
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Wife: I used to be a Christian.

Husband: Well that's fine by me
Wife: Thanks, I'm much happier being a Christine now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73miev/wife_i_used_to_be_a_christian/
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Why didn't the sun go to college?

It already had a million degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73mi43/why_didnt_the_sun_go_to_college/
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Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.

The three of them all sit at the bar.
Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.
"I'm just so fed up!" she cries.  "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"
The American woman empathizes with her, saying,
"My ex did the same thing, and now he won't talk to our daughter, either!"
At this point the two women are getting quite hot-headed.  The third, from Slovenia, is still married but is unhappy with her spouse.
She starts talking, but then the bartender, worried the situation will keep escalating, stops her and rolls his eyes at the three women, saying,
"Look, ladies. I get what you're saying, but you're preaching to the choir.  We all hate Trump."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73mhd6/three_women_two_from_eastern_europe_and_one_from/
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What do a hockey player and an Amish woman have in common?

They both shower after the third period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73mg68/what_do_a_hockey_player_and_an_amish_woman_have/
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My therapist says I'm socially awkward because I misinterpret what people say to me...

I'm pretty sure she wants me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73mes6/my_therapist_says_im_socially_awkward_because_i/
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Bob was late to come to see his friend John at the bar

John: Dude, you're so late!
Bob: You won't believe what just happened to me. On my way here, I saw a girl tied to a train track. I untied her and we had sexy time together.
John: That sounds awesome dude!
Bob: Yeah, I know right. We did missionary, doggy, cowgirl etc. you name it.
John: Did you receive head?
Bob: Nah, couldn't find it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73mct3/bob_was_late_to_come_to_see_his_friend_john_at/
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I'm done with smoking, for good...

now I only smoke for evil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73mc8s/im_done_with_smoking_for_good/
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Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was working on his motorcycle in the garage, just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the workbench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling your motorcycle along with your gun collection and that stupid fishing gear."
Tom got a quizzical look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, “For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied: "I wasn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73mb8i/tom_finally_decided_to_tie_the_knot_with_his/
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What do you call a really long metaphor?

It's like, a metafive
PS I made this up myself and I'm really proud of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73macj/what_do_you_call_a_really_long_metaphor/
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I just joined a gym for religious minorities.

Jehova's Fitness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73m9ha/i_just_joined_a_gym_for_religious_minorities/
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What does a Polish Girl get on her wedding night that's long and hard?

A new last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73m7ef/what_does_a_polish_girl_get_on_her_wedding_night/
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What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?

Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73m73h/whats_the_best_part_about_living_in_switzerland/
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My friend told me money doesn't grow on trees...

I told him to tell that to my drug dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73m6sz/my_friend_told_me_money_doesnt_grow_on_trees/
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These national anthem protests are getting out of hand.

Even the U.S. paralympics team won't stand up for the national anthem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73m6im/these_national_anthem_protests_are_getting_out_of/
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A leper goes to a prostitute...

He says, "Keep the tip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73m5xm/a_leper_goes_to_a_prostitute/
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the elderly couple

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73m5pu/the_elderly_couple/
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Why shouldn't you play Uno with Donald Trump?

Because he steals all the Green Cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73m4d4/why_shouldnt_you_play_uno_with_donald_trump/
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A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10? Lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73m4b9/a_man_goes_to_a_10_hooker_and_contracts_crabs/
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Donald Trump is asked "What's 2 + 2?"

I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy, but he's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73lz1y/donald_trump_is_asked_whats_2_2/
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Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ly5y/why_are_redneck_murders_so_hard_to_solve/
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My girlfriend dresser up as a policewoman and placed me under arrest for the suspicion of being good in bed.

After a couple minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73lrvi/my_girlfriend_dresser_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
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What has three balls and flies through space?

E.T. the Extra-Testicle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73lpl8/what_has_three_balls_and_flies_through_space/
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A Japanese Professor took up singing

He was Sensei-tional

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73lp3c/a_japanese_professor_took_up_singing/
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Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!
Edit 2: Thanks to commenters I have links to other people who have posted this joke! I haven’t been around very long so I didn’t know, go give them an upvote as well if you’d like!
2015:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jq5nb/til_the_norwegian_navy_have_started_to_put/
2016:
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/5ic1dk/the_royal_norwegian_navy_decided_to_put_bar_codes/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73lovk/why_does_the_norway_navy_have_bar_codes_on_the/
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What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73lo0r/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73lnrg/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
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I'm Still A Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had divorced eight husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle with me, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be, you have been married eight times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Politician, he kept telling me how great it would be. Husband #2 was a Salesman, never tried it but told others how great it is. Husband #3 was an Engineer, he understood the process but wanted a few years to study possible methods of implementing the process. Husband #4 was in Management, he thought he knew how, was told by others how to do it, was tutored, and even seen video clips on how, but was never able to deliver. Husband #5 was a Mama's boy, she would not let him do it. Husband #6 was a Psychologist, all he did was talk about it. Husband #7 was a Gynecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it. Husband #8 was a stamp collector, all he wanted to do is lick it... GOD I miss him! But now that I married you, I am really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"
"Because," said the new bride. "You're a Lawyer, I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73llwn/im_still_a_virgin/
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I told my mom "Make me"

She said "I'm not going to make the same mistake twice"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73lj4e/i_told_my_mom_make_me/
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Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.

I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73lftd/apart_from_humans_the_only_animal_that_enjoys/
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I don't understand why people buy cheap boomerangs

They only throw them away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ldj2/i_dont_understand_why_people_buy_cheap_boomerangs/
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What did the terrorist say to his wife?

Blow me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73lcap/what_did_the_terrorist_say_to_his_wife/
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My wife left me because I’m too insecure

Never mind,
It was because I repost too much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73lau0/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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A young man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots so the bartender asks "What's the occasion?" and the young man said "my first blowjob."

The bartender says "Congrats! Let me buy you another shot!" and the young man says, "Thanks, but if six shots won't get the taste out of my mouth then the 7th won't help."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73l83k/a_young_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_6_shots/
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I heard this joke in kindergarten but fuck it I’m saying it here

The teacher is teaching everyone the alphabet, but many people are pretty bad at it. Especially Johnny.
All of a sudden, Johnny raises his hand and asks “Can I go to the bathroom?”
The teacher thinks for a moment and then says “first tell me the alphabet.”
Johnny again says “but I really have to go”
But, since the teacher insists, Johnny begins. “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”.
The teacher is very upset. “Johnny, where’s the P?”
“Coming down my pants”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73l70y/i_heard_this_joke_in_kindergarten_but_fuck_it_im/
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What's the best way to kill a hipster?

You drown him in the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73l6ud/whats_the_best_way_to_kill_a_hipster/
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Smart dude

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73l6p8/smart_dude/
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Kid vs Barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73l5i5/kid_vs_barber/
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What's the most searched word on Bing?

Google

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73kxor/whats_the_most_searched_word_on_bing/
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How do you kill a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73kwma/how_do_you_kill_a_blonde/
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I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73kwgv/i_have_an_epipen/
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Mary has trouble staying awake in Sunday School...

Mary has trouble staying awake in Sunday School, and she's sick of getting in trouble with the Sister who teaches it, so she gets her best friend to sit behind her in class and try to keep her from getting caught.
She attends class, and sure enough, 10 minutes in she's out cold at her desk. The Sister decides to try to bust her.
"Who created the heavens and the earth? ...Mary?" She asks. Mary's friend tries shaking and poking her, and in a desperate move sharpens her pencil and jabs Mary in the rear.
Mary shoots straight up. "God Almighty!" She yells.
"Uhm, correct... you can sit down, Mary." The Sister replies. Mary does...and in moments is once again asleep. The Sister decides to try and catch her again. "Who died on the cross for our sins? Mary?"
Mary's friend jabs her sharpened pencil into Mary's butt to wake her.
"Jesus Christ!" Mary yells.
The Sister is beaten once again. "Correct...please sit down, Mary." Mary complies and passes out again. This time the Sister hatches a plan.
"I'll ask her a question with no answer...and when she gets it wrong, I'll press her until she confesses she was sleeping!" The Sister thinks to herself. Finally she concocts the question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after their tenth child?" She smirked, leveling her gaze on her target. "Mary?"
Mary's friend jabs her with her pencil once again, making Mary leap up in shock...then anger.
She yells "If you stick that thing in me again, I swear to God I'll break it in half!"
The Sister faints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73kuwz/mary_has_trouble_staying_awake_in_sunday_school/
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3 of the worlds best athletes go to Japan to test out their new toilet technology

Ones British, ones French and the other is American, so they get to Japan and they're greeted by a scientist and he shows them the toilet and says, go in, take a shit and it will be the best shit in your life, so the British guy goes first and comes back and says my god that was the greatest shit I ever had! It even played The Beatles!!
So the French guy after hearing this goes in thinking it can't be possible he's bullshiting, but after a couple of moments he exits even more stunned!  He says to to other guys, that was the greatest moment in my life! It even played Edith Piaf!!
So finally the American guy goes in and after a couple of minutes he steps out with his legs COVERED in shit and the French and British guy ask him what the fuck happened?
"Well it was all going great 'till the mother fucker played the National Anthem!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73kuld/3_of_the_worlds_best_athletes_go_to_japan_to_test/
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Two elderly gentlemen on a bench

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73kjzj/two_elderly_gentlemen_on_a_bench/
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What's the difference between a baby and a feminist?

At some point in life, the baby will grow up and stop crying....
(copied)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73k6xb/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_feminist/
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[long] European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language...

of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility . As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English ".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy . The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter .
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter .
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling . Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away .
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v ".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73k3ua/long_european_commission_has_just_announced_an/
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My girlfriend had trouble opening her her birth control.

I told her it’s because it’s child-proof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73k25w/my_girlfriend_had_trouble_opening_her_her_birth/
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There's nothing better than calculus jokes.

I derive so much pleasure from reading them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jzgb/theres_nothing_better_than_calculus_jokes/
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What’s a skeletons favorite fruit?

A bone-ana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jy5r/whats_a_skeletons_favorite_fruit/
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Did you hear abut the hungry clock?

It went back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jxl7/did_you_hear_abut_the_hungry_clock/
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What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jvh8/whats_the_difference_between_amy_winehouse_and/
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An old Egyptian pharaoh drowned himself when he learned the new, younger pharaoh was taking over...

He was in denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jtma/an_old_egyptian_pharaoh_drowned_himself_when_he/
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What does a dog see when it looks it the mirror?

god

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jtef/what_does_a_dog_see_when_it_looks_it_the_mirror/
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"You like that meat, you MURDERER?" said my vegan girlfriend

I just wish we could have one dinner without her reminding me of the time I shot her mom in the head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jtbs/you_like_that_meat_you_murderer_said_my_vegan/
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Did you hear about the gummy bear with only one leg?

He lost the other one in Nom.
<all credit to my daughter>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73js64/did_you_hear_about_the_gummy_bear_with_only_one/
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Steve always thought Greg's wife was hot.

Steve: How about me and you do a little wife-swapping?
Greg: Steve, you're not married.
Steve: C'mon man, I'll get you back later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jrdg/steve_always_thought_gregs_wife_was_hot/
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Never marry a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jpcz/never_marry_a_tennis_player/
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Son-in-law joins the family business

A successful businessman sat down with his new son-in-law to discuss his role in the family business. He said to him, "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family. To show you how much I care, I've made you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn how everything works."
The son-in-law said, "That's very kind of you but I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"Oh, I see," said the father-in-law. "In that case, you can work in the office and take charge of some of the operations there."
"That's very kind of you but I hate office work too," said the son-on-law. "I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk in an office all day, every day."
At this point the father-in-law was getting a little annoyed and said "I just made you half-owner of a huge money-making organization, but you don't like factories and you won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the son-in-law. "Buy me out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jnxb/soninlaw_joins_the_family_business/
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A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jnmf/a_policeman_arrives_at_the_crime_scene/
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I watched a crow land on the line out front today

it was joined by five more in a few minutes. They sat cawing softly a bit, then flew off different directions.
I think I just saw an attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jl1t/i_watched_a_crow_land_on_the_line_out_front_today/
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A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"
The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jiz5/a_native_american_walks_into_an_old_west_saloon/
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Did you hear that they're not going to be making toothpicks any longer?

Turns out they're long enough as they are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jhmf/did_you_hear_that_theyre_not_going_to_be_making/
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What kind of eggs do evil hens lay?

Deviled eggs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jglq/what_kind_of_eggs_do_evil_hens_lay/
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I knitted a scarf after 4 days of blood sweat and tears out of floss only to find out it is just falling apart.

Sorry, wrong thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73jbhl/i_knitted_a_scarf_after_4_days_of_blood_sweat_and/
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Burly gentleman.

There was a dad who was worried about his son's behavior. He was worried about his son becoming "one of those queers."
The dad found an ad for a winter camp logging up north, so thinking he would make his son a right burly gentleman, he sent his son off to winter camp.
8 weeks of winter camp came and went, and when the son came home he wasn't queer, but he sure was a husky fucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73j9ag/burly_gentleman/
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Why did the furry get arrested?

For looking at kitty porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73j81d/why_did_the_furry_get_arrested/
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What does a spoon hate to see when driving?

A fork in the road

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73j7by/what_does_a_spoon_hate_to_see_when_driving/
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I added some pressure to my tires today.

I leaned in close and whispered "You lose anymore air I'll fucking cut you myself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73j5zx/i_added_some_pressure_to_my_tires_today/
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G'day is so gay

How are Australian's so homophobic? G'day is basically gay with the D rammed into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73j5xw/gday_is_so_gay/
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If I had a dollar for every time my job fucked me out of my tips...

I'd have $0 because they'd also take that money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73j33z/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_my_job_fucked_me/
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Would you like to hear a joke backwards?

Laugh first!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73j2p5/would_you_like_to_hear_a_joke_backwards/
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Small Penis

My wife keeps telling me that if your relationship is strong a small penis shouldn't make any difference
I just wish she didn't have one at all...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73j1e0/small_penis/
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A dinner guest made a joke about my cats prosthetic foot.

Major faux paw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73j1de/a_dinner_guest_made_a_joke_about_my_cats/
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The iPhone 6 was the most sold iPhone ever.

I guess you could call it a 6S.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73j0uh/the_iphone_6_was_the_most_sold_iphone_ever/
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A story from a factory

One day, this guy's at work at a factory that makes glue and whiteout. These two substances are stored in these large vats. One day, the guy falls into one of the vats. His supervisor comes to help and the two start a conversation:
Guy: I'm okay. I just fell into the vat of glue.
Supervisor: You actually fell into the vat of whiteout. See, it says so right there.
Guy: I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73j0tu/a_story_from_a_factory/
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The first white lie I heard was

this is our land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73j0ck/the_first_white_lie_i_heard_was/
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What is Jesus's favorite type of gun?

a nail gun...he was a carpenter after all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ivcx/what_is_jesuss_favorite_type_of_gun/
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His last request.

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73iu2k/his_last_request/
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A farmer walks into a bar with a horse...

A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my dick was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73isme/a_farmer_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_horse/
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I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs.
Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73iizb/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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The Stolen Horse

A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round into the piano. The room goes dead silent. “I’m gonna have one more beer,” the Desperado bellows to the terrified crowd, “and if my horse ain’t back where I left him when I’m done, I’ll do here what I had to do in Houston.”
The locals murmur uneasily as the Desperado sips his drink. Lucky for them all, when he steps outside again his horse has been returned. As the Desperado saddles up, a local can’t help but ask, “Sir, what exactly was it you had to do in Houston?”
The Desperado narrows his eyes and hisses at the man, “I had to walk home.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73iiml/the_stolen_horse/
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A feminist once asked me...

"What's your view on lesbians?"
I said, "1080p."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73iifd/a_feminist_once_asked_me/
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What will ISIS be when they’re gone

WASWAS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73igqt/what_will_isis_be_when_theyre_gone/
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My ex told me we broke up because I'm too reliant on logic and refuse to acknowledge my emotions.

I told her, correlation is not causation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73iff9/my_ex_told_me_we_broke_up_because_im_too_reliant/
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One day we Canadians will rule the world!

Then you'll all be sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73if0g/one_day_we_canadians_will_rule_the_world/
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A smart blonde joke.

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a flight from NY to LA. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game? The blonde, who is tired, just wants to take a nap. She politely declines and rolls down the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."
Again she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated says " fine, if you don't know the answer you give me $5.00 but if I don't know the answer then I'll give you $500.00"
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer goes first "What is the distance from earth to the moon?" The blonde silently reaches into her purse and proceeds to pass the lawyer $5.00
"Ok" says the lawyer "Your turn." The blonde turns to the lawyer and says "what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, pulls out his laptop and checks all his references. Nothing. Frustrated, he emails all his friends and colleagues, to no avail. After an hour he wakes up the blonde, who had fallen asleep, and passes her $500.00. The blonde smiles, puts the money in her purse and falls back to sleep.
The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes up the blonde and ask her the answer. The blonde stares at him for a moment, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73idyc/a_smart_blonde_joke/
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More gay jokes

A wizard walked into a gay bar, and disappeared  with a poof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73iaqx/more_gay_jokes/
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Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ia9d/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
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Ex's meet after a month of divorce

ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have sex with my girlfriend?
ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her?
ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73i85a/exs_meet_after_a_month_of_divorce/
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I would tell a joke about Communism

But it isn't funny unless everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73i3y1/i_would_tell_a_joke_about_communism/
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You remind me of Communism

no class at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73i33y/you_remind_me_of_communism/
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I heard you make a lot of money working at the Federal Reserve...

...too bad the pay is shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73i2v1/i_heard_you_make_a_lot_of_money_working_at_the/
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What does HIV actually mean?

Roman numerals for a high-five, of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73i1z6/what_does_hiv_actually_mean/
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When I went shopping for a christmas tree last year...

... the guy asked "are you gonna put it up yourself?" and I said "no, I was thinking the livingroom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73hzg4/when_i_went_shopping_for_a_christmas_tree_last/
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What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen?

Refuse to take her out again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ht8j/what_do_you_do_if_a_bird_shits_on_your_windscreen/
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My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night "I've cooked dinner," she screamed, "And if you're not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog."

"Woooah! That's bang out of order!" I said, "It's not his fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ht1u/my_wife_called_me_as_i_was_sat_in_the_pub_last/
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My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are...

But I laugh more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73hshi/my_wife_and_i_laugh_about_how_competitive_we_are/
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I'm really worried about my Parrot.

He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".
My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73hrri/im_really_worried_about_my_parrot/
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My smartass 14-year-old son challenged me to a game of Tekken the other day, in front of his mates.

I finished him off with a killer combo in under 30 seconds, before proudly exclaiming, “Who’s your Daddy?”
He replied, “Mum says it was probably the milkman.”
The little bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73hqlc/my_smartass_14yearold_son_challenged_me_to_a_game/
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Why don't oysters donate to charity?

Because they're shellfish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73hpuc/why_dont_oysters_donate_to_charity/
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My first time with a condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73hnl9/my_first_time_with_a_condom/
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My brother and I made a $50 bet on who could throw meat the furthest into the air

I guess you could say the steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73hkfy/my_brother_and_i_made_a_50_bet_on_who_could_throw/
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What happens when a chili pepper gets mad at you?

He gets jalapeño face!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73hk7g/what_happens_when_a_chili_pepper_gets_mad_at_you/
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You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there?

That’s God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73hjgt/you_know_when_you_walk_into_a_room_and_forget_why/
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The kangaroo joke

A man is driving down the road, looks out the window, and sees a kangaroo. He's confused, but he takes the kangaroo into the car, and drives to the police station. He asks the officer there what to do with this kangaroo he found. The officer tells him to take it to the zoo right away. The next day, the oficer is driving down the street, and sees the same man driving down the street, with the kangaroo in the car. He pulls him over and asks why he still has the kangaroo. "Well" the man says "I took him to the zoo, and he liked it so much, today we're going to the circus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73hgdm/the_kangaroo_joke/
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A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home."

One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.
"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.
"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73hb2u/a_teacher_says_to_her_class_whoever_answers_my/
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A guy applies for a job at the L.A.P.D.

The inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen! Just one more thing: take this gun and shoot 6 black men and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" the man replies.
"Good attitude, you've got the job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73haud/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_at_the_lapd/
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A Trump rally is like masturbating without Kleenex.

A white mess surrounding a dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73h9z0/a_trump_rally_is_like_masturbating_without_kleenex/
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I killed the glove industry

With my bare hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73h97x/i_killed_the_glove_industry/
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What do you call three disabled babies born at the same time?

Cripplets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73h78v/what_do_you_call_three_disabled_babies_born_at/
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HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

- Dude, press the Caps Lock key on your keyboard!
- WOW, THIS IS MUCH BETTER, I DON'T HAVE TO HOLD DOWN SHIFT ANYMORE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73gxc8/hey_how_are_you/
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Open Up, This is police...

Police: Open Up,This is police we need to talk.
Jake : How many of you are out there ?
Police: Two of us
Jake: Talk to each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73gv10/open_up_this_is_police/
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I hate left-wing Neo-Nazis,

They are *liberally* Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73gtjr/i_hate_leftwing_neonazis/
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A Co-Pilot's purpose...

Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew.
She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across Earth.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly.
She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain, he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone on it.
She turned to the Co-Pilot and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?"
The Co-Pilot replied, "Ma'am, I am the Captain's sexual adviser." Somewhat shocked, she said,
"I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple ma'am. The Captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask for it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73gssk/a_copilots_purpose/
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Why are gay men so mean? NSFW

Because they’re all fucking assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73gs85/why_are_gay_men_so_mean_nsfw/
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I know a pastor of a failing megachurch.

Poor guy doesn't know where his next Mercedes is coming from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73grp7/i_know_a_pastor_of_a_failing_megachurch/
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Two men decide to get a drink

after an afternoon of walking their dogs. They walk up to the door and notice a 'no dogs allowed' sign. There are no poles or anything with which to tie their dogs to outside. "Shit," says the first guy, "what're we going to do?" "Don't worry, I've got this," says the second. He puts his dark sunglasses on and walks in up to the bartender. "We don't allow dogs in here!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog" the man retorts. He orders his beer and goes and sits down. The other guy follows his lead, puts on some dark sunglasses, and walks into the bar. "We don't allow dogs in here!" the bartender says sternly. "I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog," the second guy responds. "Sir, that is most definitely not your seeing eye dog. That is a chihuahua." Flustered, he man yells out, "What?! They gave me a fucking chihuahua?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73grdv/two_men_decide_to_get_a_drink/
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Husband wants to have sex with his spouse

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73gokt/husband_wants_to_have_sex_with_his_spouse/
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An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single popular language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73gjud/an_mit_linguistics_professor_was_lecturing_his/
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What's up with that Rorschach guy?

Why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73gjd1/whats_up_with_that_rorschach_guy/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73get8/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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An elderly couple visits their friends

After a fine dinner, the men retreat into the library to smoke cigars and to have a conversation.
"Last week me and my wife ate at this great restaurant."
"Really? What was it called?"
"Let me think....what's that flower with a yellow center and white petals?"
"A daisy?"
"Yes, that's it. DAISY! What's that restaurant we went to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73gekg/an_elderly_couple_visits_their_friends/
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I've got a really bad habit.

It's telling people my flaws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73gcph/ive_got_a_really_bad_habit/
%
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

Once you open it, you realize it's half-empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73gayw/how_is_a_pushup_bra_like_a_bag_of_chips/
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You'll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke...

They consider cows to be sacred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73gabr/youll_never_hear_a_hindu_tell_a_yo_mamma_joke/
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A white man and a Jamaican man are sitting on a park bench.

While they're sitting there, a dog passes by and takes a shit in front of one tree. Then he moves on and takes an identical shit in front of another tree. Then he takes yet another shit in front of yet another tree, then looks around and walks out of the park.
"Huh. What do you make of that?" asks the white man.
"Well, I make ten" says the Jamaican.
"How do you get 'ten' out of that?" the white man asks
"Well," says the Jamaican, "tree and a turd, tree and a turd, tree and a turd..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ga3m/a_white_man_and_a_jamaican_man_are_sitting_on_a/
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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73g9zy/3_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/
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What is the difference between Crystal Palace football club and a spear?

A spear actually has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73g7ng/what_is_the_difference_between_crystal_palace/
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance...

We'll see about that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73g28c/my_therapist_says_i_have_a_preoccupation_with/
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Grave robbers got to Hugh Hefner's body.

Should have buried him more than balls deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73g0cd/grave_robbers_got_to_hugh_hefners_body/
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At a Plastic-Surgery-Addicts-Anonymous meeting

“Ah, I see we have a few new faces here today.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73g07f/at_a_plasticsurgeryaddictsanonymous_meeting/
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Did you hear about the midget that got pick pocketed?

I can't believe someone could stoop so low..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fzq3/did_you_hear_about_the_midget_that_got_pick/
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I wondered why the frisbee was getting larger every second

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fz6d/i_wondered_why_the_frisbee_was_getting_larger/
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Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fynr/imagine_if_americans_switched_from_pounds_to/
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What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fybx/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
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A plane is flying over the ocean ..

The pilot speaks on the intercom, "Engine one has failed, engine two is on its way out. Grab a parachute I wish you the best."
On board was a Catholic priest, a Rabbi, a lawyer and three boy scouts. As they searched for life vest and parachutes they only found three. The Adults huddled to try and figure this out this conundrum. The Rabbi suggested
"Guys, we have lived long fruitful lives I'm sure this act of letting the young boys live out their lives will surely seal our fate in the Kingdom of heaven"
The Lawyer certainly thinking of only himself said "Fuck them!"
Then the Catholic priest said "You think we have enough time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fyb9/a_plane_is_flying_over_the_ocean/
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A doorman quits his job.

He just couldn't handle it anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fy2x/a_doorman_quits_his_job/
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6 men from Lithuania go to a Mcdonalds in America

The cashier asks "For here? to go?"
The guy in front turns to his friends and says :
"They say 2 of us have to leave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fv1n/6_men_from_lithuania_go_to_a_mcdonalds_in_america/
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Why don't whores like judges ?

Because they issue gag orders and the outcome is hard to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fuvg/why_dont_whores_like_judges/
%
"Would you like a bag for your dildo sir?"

"No thanks, I'll wear it out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fpgw/would_you_like_a_bag_for_your_dildo_sir/
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If humans are created in the image of god,

then we should be invisible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fm4w/if_humans_are_created_in_the_image_of_god/
%
gay prostate exam joke

a gay man goes in to get a prostate exam.
he is told to bend over when the doctor starts to examine his prostate.
the man says to the doctor:
"please take off your ring, it's hurting me"
the doctor says:
"That's not my ring. that's my rolex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fl6c/gay_prostate_exam_joke/
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My doctor asked me for a urine sample and a stool sample.

So I gave him my underwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fj2b/my_doctor_asked_me_for_a_urine_sample_and_a_stool/
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Why does Stephen Hawking only do one line jokes?

Because he can't do stand-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fipw/why_does_stephen_hawking_only_do_one_line_jokes/
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Have you ever walked past Stepehen Hawking's house?

Neither has he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fidv/have_you_ever_walked_past_stepehen_hawkings_house/
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What is a white supremacists least favorite month?

JEW-LIE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fi9g/what_is_a_white_supremacists_least_favorite_month/
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I wish I was Hugh Hefner.

Not because of all the money and girls. Because he died last week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fhes/i_wish_i_was_hugh_hefner/
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How do you turn root beer into just beer?

By pouring it into a squared glass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fgnl/how_do_you_turn_root_beer_into_just_beer/
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I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fe9s/i_was_talking_to_a_girl_in_a_bar_last_night/
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You know who's great at deadlifting?

Pallbearers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73fblt/you_know_whos_great_at_deadlifting/
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A horse walks into a bar.

He says to the barmen, “Can I have a pint of beer please?”
The barman replies “Look mate, we don’t serve horses.”
The horse leaves.
The next day the horse walks in and says to the Barman “Can I have a pint of beer please mate?”
The barmen replies “Look mate I’ve told you! We don’t serve horses!”
The horse leaves.
The following day the horse walks in again and says to the Barman “Can I have a pint of beer please mate”
The Barman replies “Look, I’ve told you, we do not serve horses, if you come in again, I’m going to nail your fucking hooves to the bar!”
The horse leaves.
The horse returns to the bar again, walks in and says to the Barman “Hi mate, I’m doing some work on my house, do you have any nails I could borrow?”
The Barman replies “Sorry, no I don’t”
The horse replies “Okay good, Can I have a pint of beer then please?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73f95b/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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Can you move my atoms closer together?

You'd be doing me a real solid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73f8i5/can_you_move_my_atoms_closer_together/
%
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ?

Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73f8gl/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_tree/
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What do you call a clown that is good with money?

Pennywise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73f7wc/what_do_you_call_a_clown_that_is_good_with_money/
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The Man and his pet.

A man is driving down the road and a police man patrolling notices something strange and stops him. He noticed a penguin sitting in the passenger seat.
Police man: "Excuse me sir, I think you should take your friend there to the zoo."
Man: "Of course sir!"
The mans drives off.
The next day, the police man is patrolling the same road and sees the man again, noticing the penguin still in the passenger seat, he stops the car once again.
Police man: "Excuse me sir, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo."
Man: "I did, he really enjoyed it, we're going to the beach today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73f7tn/the_man_and_his_pet/
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What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73f7nh/whats_black_and_screams/
%
A huge guy walks into a bar and approaches a little guy.

The huge guy karate chops the little guy on the back and says "That was a karate chop from Japan."
A little while later the same huge guy chops the little guy on the back again and says "that was a karate chop from China."
The little guy leaves the bar for a little while and when he comes back he whacks the huge guy on the back knocking him to the ground.
"Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73f6kn/a_huge_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_approaches_a/
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There are 3 types of people in this world.

Those who can count and those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73f600/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73f5s3/americans_do_use_the_metric_system/
%
As a child,I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen

Onions was a good dog :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73f4th/as_a_childi_always_cried_when_my_dad_was_cutting/
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Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first one says "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says "I'll have one too."
The third one says " I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says "So that'll be two bloods and a blood lite?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73f49r/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving...

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73f3q4/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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Boss wants to have sex with his secretary

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?"
She responds, "The bastard used COINS! I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ewpq/boss_wants_to_have_sex_with_his_secretary/
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Lady in red changes a mans life...(Long)(NSFW)

A man is walking down the street, unsure of what to do with his life. He had just lost his job because of poor performance. His performance had been declining because his wife was leaving him and taking the kids. He basically was at rock bottom.
While walking through the city, he finally figured out what he was going to do. He was going to kill himself.
He decided to get incredibly drunk and party a little before ending his life. Wandering around a popular down town area, he noticed a pretty fancy looking bar that seemed extremely inviting.
As he walked up to the bar, he passed a beautiful red 2015 Bentley Continental. He had only heard about this cars online, since they where way out of his price range.
As he stepped up to the door and showed his ID to the bouncer, he was let into the bar. He walked up to the bar which had a few open spaces, and after getting the attention of a bartender, he placed his order.
After a hour of drinking, eventually the bartender noticed the man was having a ruff time. She started talking to him and he unloaded on her about what was going on in his life.
While they where talking, a lady wearing the most amazing form fitting red dress came down from stairs he had not noticed. Everybody in the bar seemed to stop and take a look as she sauntered over and took a empty seat at the edge of the bar.
After ogling the lady in red for a moment the bartender said with a smirk, "I know what will cheer you up. Go talk to her. She can work magic unlike any other woman on this earth. Trust me, because of her I am here today."
At that, the man thought to himself... well, what do I have to lose? I am going to just end my life later anyways...
Building up some courage, finally the man left his place and walked over to take a seat next to the lady in red. As he sad down next to her, she smiled and beamed at him in a way he had never been looked at before by his wife.
"Ummm... H-hello ma'am", he managed to blurt out.
"Hello there sexy. Seems like you are troubled. Would you like me to relief some stress?" she replied with a wink and a very enticing  and intimate look.
"Ummm, well, uhh.... What exactly do you have in mind?" he replied.
She leaned over and whispered in his ear, "For 10,000 dollars I will give you the best hand job you have ever received."
"WHAT!" the man exclaimed. "You are a hooker? What the hell! I am not paying 10k for a fucking hand job."
"Did you see that red 2015 Bentley Continental outside? I bought that with the money I have made on just my hand jobs."
At this point the man was pretty drunk. He decided to go for it because, what the hell? He was going to kill himself later. It was pretty early in the day, so the banks would still be open at this point. He explained he would go grab the cash, and the lady in red offered to drive, so they hopped into her car and headed to the bank to grab cash.
After getting the 10k for his HJ, they parked back at the bar. The lady in red turned to the man and said, "Well, what are you waiting for? Whip it out!" she exclaimed, obviously excited about what was about to happen...
Within 3 mins, she had finished the job.
The man just chilled in the car seat, amazed at how awesome the HJ was. It was the best thing he had ever received in his life. Better than any sex he had ever had. With a new found look at life the man returned home after saying his goodbyes, and went to sleep. When he awoke the next day, he started pursing all the things he had wanted to do, but just never did....
1 year later, the man had really turned his life around. He had finalized his divorce and started a new company of his own that became a multi-million dollar company within a year. He was pondering about the lady in red one night, and decided to pay her a visit again.
He arrived at the bar and took a seat close to the stairwell the lady in red had came down. Not long after he arrived, the lady came down and sat next to him, and imminently remembered him. After chatting for a bit and having a drink or two, the man the went ahead and asked....
"Soo... uhh... I was just wondering, if there might be anything else you do?" he asked.
"Well, I could give you a blow job if you like." she replied.
"Hmm. Well, okay. If your BJ's are as good as your HJ's, then I am extremely excited for this." he said eagerly thinking about what was about to happen.
She leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Okay, well that will be 100,000 dollars."
The man sat shocked, and exclaimed "WHAT. 100k is WAY to much! I won't pay it no matter how awesome you are." he said.
"Well, see this bar you are in? I bought it myself with the money I make from BJ's alone." she said.
Mulling over the thought for a moment, the man decided that he would pay her the money since he had pleanty of it now thanks to his successful business. He left the bar and headed to the bank to withdraw the funds.
Arriving back at the bar he went over and handed the lady in red the 100k. She smiled, and grabbed him by the hand and took him upstairs to her private office.
They quickly got to business and the man did not last long at all. It was the most amazing experience he had ever had in his life. It was infinity better than the HJ he had received. He chatted for a bit and then left to head home.
A year later, his company goes global. The man is making billions of dollars at this point. He decides one day that he is going to go back and have sex with the lady in red. He heads to the bank and withdraws a million dollars, thinking that that had to be the price to have sex with her.
Arriving at the bar, he went strait up to her office and knocked on her door. She called out for him to enter, and when he did she was extremely happy to see him.
"Oh, welcome back! I have been watching you all over the news! It's great to see you doing so well!" she exclaimed.
"Thank you. I owe it all to you. I also came on business, so to speak. I have 1 million dollars cash that I have brought with me so I can have sex with you. You are the most amazing women in the world, and I want to fuck our pretty little pussy."
At that, the woman grabbed his hand and escorted him to her balcony over looking the city.
She gestured at the city showing him the whole area.
" I would love to let you fuck me in the pussy. See this whole city?"
The many nodded eagerly. He knew this would be the most amazing thing ever.
"If I had a pussy, I would own this whole city."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ewox/lady_in_red_changes_a_mans_lifelongnsfw/
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[Day 31] Finally i mastered the time-reversing magic

[Day 30] i may have a problem here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73evbq/day_31_finally_i_mastered_the_timereversing_magic/
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More NFL news

NFL CUTS ONE TEAM
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate one team from the league.
They've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS.
Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73euqi/more_nfl_news/
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Why are clairvoyants called mediums?

Because they're not rare or well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73etje/why_are_clairvoyants_called_mediums/
%
You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine?

I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73esbm/you_ever_go_to_pay_cash_but_the_cashier_has/
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What genre of music is a balloons least favorite?

Pop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73erxc/what_genre_of_music_is_a_balloons_least_favorite/
%
Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?
The Chairman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73er45/stephen_hawking/
%
What does an anti-Semitic turkey say?

Goebbel goebbel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73epz4/what_does_an_antisemitic_turkey_say/
%
What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Afghanistan elementary school?

I have no clue, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73en46/whats_the_difference_between_an_isis_outpost_and/
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Tractors (Long?)

A man really likes tractors and collects models all day, one day he decides to get rid of all the models and move on.
It just so happens he comes across a building filled with smoke and people running out, he runs into the building attempting to pull out others, people try to dissuade him.
"Don't go in!"
"It's OK, I'm an extractor fan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73elfd/tractors_long/
%
Mickey mouse wants to divorce Minnie

"Mickey, it says here your reason for the divorce is because she's... extremely silly?"
"No! It's because she's fucking goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73eelf/mickey_mouse_wants_to_divorce_minnie/
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Pre-marriage vs Post-marriage

Before marriage: continue reading ↓
Man: I can't wait for the day to come!
Woman: Can I go back on this?
Man: Of course not!
Woman: Do you love me?
Man: Of course!
Woman: Will you cheat on me?
Man: No, why would you have such a thought?
Woman: Will you kiss me?
Man: Of course, more than once!
Woman: Will you ever abuse me?
Man: Never!
Woman: Can I trust you?
Post-marriage: read backwards ↑

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73eeb4/premarriage_vs_postmarriage/
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An old lady goes into a bank...

Coutt's Bank, to be exact, and asks to open an account. She is told, politely but coolly, that they are a very exclusive bank and have stringent requirements for prospective clients. "I know," she says. "May I see the manager, please?"
She is shown into the manager's office and repeats her request to be allowed to open an account, and the manager explains that they very rarely take new customers, and she would need to have at least a million pounds in investable assets, not including real estate. (r/theydidtheresearch) But she says that is not a problem as she has over a million pounds in cash on her, and hands over a briefcase.
While the manager delegates the task of counting the money to an underling, he asks how she comes by so much cash. "Oh, I make bets," she says. "For instance, I am willing to bet £50,000 that by lunchtime on Monday your testicles will have turned square."
The manager, of course, takes the bet at once, and on learning that the briefcase did indeed hold over a million pounds, he gives his approval for her account to be opened. She bids him a good day and makes an appointment to see him again at noon the following Monday.
When she returns she is accompanied by a smartly dressed man, and explains to the manager that this is her lawyer, whom she has brought along as a witness. The bank manager smiles and says that he can understand this, but she is going to find she is out of luck. "Well, maybe," she says, "but considering the money involved, I'm sure you'll agree that I am entitled to put you to the test."
She takes a large tablespoon from her handbag and says "Be so kind as to drop your trousers and underpants, please," and when he does so she cups his scrotum in the tablespoon and sighs sorrowfully. Meanwhile however her lawyer has begun silently banging his head on the bank manager's desk.
"Oh dear," says the manager, a little patronisingly, "I fear my learned friend is dismayed at your reckless gambling away of your wealth."
"Oh no," says the old lady, "it's just that last Thursday I bet him a hundred thousand pounds that I'd have your balls in a tablespoon before the banks shut on Monday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73edq7/an_old_lady_goes_into_a_bank/
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How do dictators travel on the sea?

In dictatorships.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73eciz/how_do_dictators_travel_on_the_sea/
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There are 2 types of people

1. Those who are worth mentioning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73e7o7/there_are_2_types_of_people/
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You can't hang a man with a wooden leg,

You need a rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73e37i/you_cant_hang_a_man_with_a_wooden_leg/
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What do you call it when midgets give each other head at the same time?

34 and a half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73dspu/what_do_you_call_it_when_midgets_give_each_other/
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Just got a repressed memory foam mattress,

it holds me just like my gym teacher did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73dspf/just_got_a_repressed_memory_foam_mattress/
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[NSFW] Daughter walks in on mother taking a shower...

Daughter: Mom what are those things hanging on your chest?
Mom: They are called boobs..
Daughter: When am I going to get them?
Mom: When you grow up
*Later in the day she walks in on dad taking a shower*
Daughter: Dad, what is that thing hanging between your legs?
Dad: Its called penis..
Daughter: When am I going to get that?
Dad: You can get it now but don't tell mommy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73do7c/nsfw_daughter_walks_in_on_mother_taking_a_shower/
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What Did the Statue Say to the Other Statue?

Is-tat-u?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73dl4f/what_did_the_statue_say_to_the_other_statue/
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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!
Irish cop says, "Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73dikc/a_london_lawyer_runs_a_stop_sign_and_gets_pulled/
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What's the German word for Vaseline aka petroleum jelly?

Wienerschleider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73dhyr/whats_the_german_word_for_vaseline_aka_petroleum/
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3 Brand New Cops Are Having Lunch... (Long)

One cop is Italian, one is Israeli, and the third is Polish. The police chief walks up to the new policemen, and goes “Boys, it’s your first day, and I have a quick question for you: who killed Jesus Christ?”
The Italian cop smiles, and goes “Well that’s an easy one, it was the Jewish people!”
The Israeli cop furrows his brow in anger, and shakes his head. “No, you’ve got it all wrong, it was the Romans who killed Jesus!”
As the Israeli and the Italian begin arguing, the Polish cop turns to the police chief and says “This is a real toughie... can I have some time to think about it?”
The police chief nods, and says to go ahead.
Later that night, the Polish policeman is having supper in silence with his wife. Over the course of the meal, she finally asks him, “How was your first day on the job?”
And the Polish cop replies “It was really a tough day, dear, they put me on a murder case.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73detf/3_brand_new_cops_are_having_lunch_long/
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What's the cure for marriage?

Alcoholism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73d5hi/whats_the_cure_for_marriage/
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If A man says something no woman can hear...

Is he still wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73d5ea/if_a_man_says_something_no_woman_can_hear/
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You should probably not trust me if...

I'm in my bed, because I'm probably going to lie there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73d519/you_should_probably_not_trust_me_if/
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Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring...

The doctor says that i'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little bit on the inside.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73d47j/yesterday_i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food/
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Why do Redditors like dick jokes?

Because you can't spell Happiness without "Ha Penis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73d0mx/why_do_redditors_like_dick_jokes/
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I don’t think I am

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “why the long face?” The horse morosely replies, “my wife wants a divorce, she says I’m an alcoholic.” The bartender asks if he is, and the horse answers, “I don’t think I am” and promptly vanishes from existence. Now this is funny because it is a play on the phrase ‘I think therefore I am’ but to explain this before hand would be to put Descartes before the horse. (Joke from my mathematics professor)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73cym7/i_dont_think_i_am/
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I have a pet tree...

It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73cy6c/i_have_a_pet_tree/
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Two women are standing on a bridge..

..one says to another, "you know what I've always wanted to do? Pee over the edge of a bridge just like the guys do"
The other lady says "go for it. No one's around."
So she steps to the edge, drops her pants, sticks her ass over and says, "I'm gonna pee into that canoe." The other woman looks down and says, "thats not a canoe, that's your reflection."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73cy61/two_women_are_standing_on_a_bridge/
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My mountain climbing partner's last words were wasted on giving me advice about toys I don't even have.

"DON'T LEGO."
Odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73cx2u/my_mountain_climbing_partners_last_words_were/
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I hosted an orgy for the socially anxious.

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73cvbj/i_hosted_an_orgy_for_the_socially_anxious/
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Three young friends,

seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.
Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.
It is through this entrance that they find a secret passage way, one that is made at first to look like a dead end but is truly a turn in the hallway. They venture around this turn and into a great room.
In this room are torches. A sign just inside the room warns "He who lights this shall burn to death." (In Egyptian hieroglyphs of course) The first friend takes a torch, and lights the end. The Friends venture through the room to another.
In this second room is a small lake, with a small canoe able to seat three. In the canoe is a paddle that reads, "He who uses this shall die a watery death." The second friend takes this paddle and uses it to guide the three of them to the other side of the lake and through a third and final door.
In this last room is a great atrium, filled with heaps upon heaps of golden artifacts and jewels. The three friends rush in, and come to a golden sarcophagus. The third friend looks at it, and sees that it has the warning "The first man to touch this treasure shall die a most terrible death" written on its exterior. The third friend, giving the message no care, proceeds to pick up as much gold as he can. His friends quickly follow suit.
Many months later, after the friends had returned home with their loot and used it to live lucrative lives, the third friend received troubling news. The first friend had been sleeping when his mansion had caught fire and burned to the ground, killing him. Remembering the warning, he calls the second friend, but they both laugh it off.
A month later, the third friend is watching the news when a breaking story comes on. It is his second friend, who had been out on his yacht. The boat had unexplainably capsized, killing him. The third friend saw this and grew terribly fearful.
Assuming he had a month left before whatever horror would befall him, the third friend sold many of his belongings to afford the most secure underground bunker. He then used his remaining fortune to buy an incredibly high tech security system, cameras all over, and 30+ armed guards stationed at the entrance.
The third friend spent a month in the bunker. 30 days passed, and night was falling when the third friend look to the security cameras. Outside of the bunker, at the entrance, was an empty expanse of land, save one object. All the security guards were mysteriously gone, and just in frame was the silhouette of a sarcophagus. The third friend panicked.
Rushing to the door, he pushed all manners of furniture before it. A fridge, a bookshelf, his bed, a desk. But once he had placed the final barricade, a great pounding game to the door. Looking to security footage, the sarcophagus had begun to float, and was using itself as a battering ram. To the third friends horror, the door began to crack.
With a tremendous boom, the door and all the furniture was blasted away. The third friend screamed, as there in the doorway floated the sarcophagus. He ran through the bunker, stalked by the sarcophagus. The friend jumped into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. There, he sat on the toilet and cried.
***BOOM!*** The sarcophagus was there, breaking through the bathroom door. The third friend panicked, running to the sink as the sarcophagus inched forward. The friend picked up a bottle of shampoo and through it. The sarcophagus kept coming. He threw a can of shaving cream. The sarcophagus was within 10 feet of him now. He threw a tube of toothpaste. The sarcophagus was within arms length. The friend made one final attempt, he reached into the cabinet, grabbed a plastic bottle, filled with a green liquid , and threw it. The sarcophagus fell to the ground and turned to dust.
The man marveled at this. Looking for the last thing he had thrown, he picked it up and thought, "All I had to do was take some NyQuil and the coffin would stop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73cuq9/three_young_friends/
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Why should you always take two Baptists fishing?

If you take just one Baptist, he'll drink all your beer; if you take two, they won't drink any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ct1t/why_should_you_always_take_two_baptists_fishing/
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The Jonestown cult survivor was never any good at jokes.

He always missed the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73csdm/the_jonestown_cult_survivor_was_never_any_good_at/
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A dirty hippie gets on the city bus

He finds an open seat and sits across from a nun.
Looking at the nun he finds her extremely attractive and says "I would like to have Sex with you"
Appalled the nun gets up and gets off the bus at the nearest stop.
The bus driver notices this and says to the hippie "I know how you can have sex with her"
Intrigued the hippies listens closely
The bus driver continues "every Saturday night, at midnight the nun goes into the graveyard to pray. Surely if you dress up as Jesus, and demand to have Sex with her she will oblige you!"
The hippie agrees and prepares for Saturday. Sure enough Saturday arrives and he gets to the graveyard early dressed up like Jesus. He then sees the nun arrive and appears to her.
"Behold I am Jesus. Your lord an savior. And I demand you have sex with me."
The nun replies "of course my lord. But only if we do anal so I remain a Virgin"
The hippie gets all excited and begins to have anal sex with the nun. As soon as the hippie cums he rips off his mask and and screams "Ha! I'm the hippie! I told you I would have sex with you!"
The nun looks back at him and rips off her mask and says
"jokes on you, I'm the bus driver"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73cs4w/a_dirty_hippie_gets_on_the_city_bus/
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Dads are like Boomerangs

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73cn11/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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I got a baby bunny today.

I had to swerve pretty hard to do it, but I got him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73cj9r/i_got_a_baby_bunny_today/
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How did the doctor cure the woman with Tourette's?

Anti-bio-tics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73chxu/how_did_the_doctor_cure_the_woman_with_tourettes/
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My grandma was not allowed to bring her knitting needles on the airplane.

They were worried she might knit an afghan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73cggb/my_grandma_was_not_allowed_to_bring_her_knitting/
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What do you call 6.022x10^23 butts?

Molasses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73c2qj/what_do_you_call_6022x1023_butts/
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What did the octopus say when he found out his wife had 10 tentacles?

You've got to be squidding me! (I spent a whole day making that up for my wife)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73c2ho/what_did_the_octopus_say_when_he_found_out_his/
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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73c04v/an_afghan_an_albanian_an_algerian_an_american_an/
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I no longer eat club sandwiches

I quit cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73bykl/i_no_longer_eat_club_sandwiches/
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A man with a dog walks into a bar.

The dog shits on the floor.
The man didn’t realise, so he ordered a drink and went to sit down with his dog.
A second man enters the bar and slips over on the dog shit. He gets up in shock, staggers over to the bar and orders a drink.
A third man enters the bar and also slips on the dog shit.
The second man turns to him, laughs and says “Haha I just did that!”
Third man smacks him in the face and says “YOU DIRTY FUCKER!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73by50/a_man_with_a_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
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While giving me a handjob, this blind girl exclaimed that mine was the biggest dick she had ever felt.

She was just pulling my leg though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73bv76/while_giving_me_a_handjob_this_blind_girl/
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What is Forrest Gumps favorite type of pasta?

Penne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73bt2q/what_is_forrest_gumps_favorite_type_of_pasta/
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My wife asked" Are you sure you need a $1200 watch?!

I said " Only time will tell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73bn6d/my_wife_asked_are_you_sure_you_need_a_1200_watch/
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Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and their DNA is all the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73bevw/why_are_redneck_murders_so_hard_to_solve/
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What's James Cameron called when he's no working?

James Camera-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73bet1/whats_james_cameron_called_when_hes_no_working/
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Whats the difference between Walmart and Target customers?

About 200 pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73bd1c/whats_the_difference_between_walmart_and_target/
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Did you hear that Dollar Tree is opening a store in the U.K?

They're naming it pound town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73b9e2/did_you_hear_that_dollar_tree_is_opening_a_store/
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If your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer

At least we know the president is safe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73b6t9/if_your_hand_is_bigger_than_your_face_you_have/
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There once was a Nike shoe.

He lived with his wife who was also a Nike shoe and together they had identical twins, an adorable pair of two left Nike shoes.
But Nike shoe wasn’t happy. You see, he hated his job--the mundane monotony of never being the shoe he knew he could be. One day at breakfast, he began to converse with his wife, “Honey, my job at the plant is wasting away at my sole. I need to go work somewhere else...to be someone else.”
His wife was hesitant, but wanted more than anything for her husband to be happy. “I think you should quit then. You don’t owe your happiness to anyone else but yourself, Nike shoe.”
And like that, Nike shoe quit his job at the plant, finally telling his boss to step off and that he was done there forever.
In the weeks following, Nike shoe finally realized his passion: painting. He got great at making these incredible, detailed, amazing paintings and for the first time in a long, long time, Nike shoe felt really, truly happy.
But the bills stacked up, and Nike shoe had trouble selling his work. His pieces were good--of course they were good!--but getting recognized seemed like an impossibility. And his wife began to worry. And his kids began to get hungry.
Until one day...he was once again at breakfast with his wife and kids and saw an ad in the newspaper. SHOE CARTOONIST WANTED, it read. This was Nike shoe’s chance! He called in and set an interview for later that very day.
Once at the paper, Nike shoe looked around. There were other artists there as well trying to get the same exact job. Nike shoe began to fret as he looked around at all the more qualified applicants, but trusting in himself and his paintings, he foot his fears and went right into his interview with the newspaper head.
Handing over his best paintings to the newspaper head, Nike shoe felt anxious. He thought about his wife and kids at home. He thought about leaving his job at the plant. Were his paintings good enough? Why wasn’t the newspaper head saying anything?!
But finally he set down Nike shoe’s paintings and spoke.
“Nike shoe, these are some of the most beautiful paintings I have ever seen. The intricacies, the lines, the details---They are all simply incredible,” Nike shoe felt a rush--this was his moment!
“Does that mean I’m hired?”
“No...no. I’m sorry. You’re a good artist, Nike shoe, and a wonderful painter! I feel like I should have made the ad more clear….
We’re really only looking for skechers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73b6l7/there_once_was_a_nike_shoe/
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No mixing utensils are allowed near the courthouse as the month-long case against the violent baker continues.

It's a whisk-free 30 day trial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73b6ci/no_mixing_utensils_are_allowed_near_the/
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73b2qf/i_went_to_a_bookstore_and_asked_the_saleswoman/
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Being a quartet, why was the group named "Boyz II Men?"

Because "Boyz 4 Men" would have drawn a whole different sort of crowd...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73axx2/being_a_quartet_why_was_the_group_named_boyz_ii/
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What kind of exercise do you do after drinking too much Starbucks?

Pilates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73aw3b/what_kind_of_exercise_do_you_do_after_drinking/
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What does a slut have in common with the KKK?

Both had a lot of men under the sheets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ate7/what_does_a_slut_have_in_common_with_the_kkk/
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Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his kids?

Because his ex-wife was a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73aoew/why_couldnt_stevie_wonder_see_his_kids/
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A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me."

The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73anku/a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk_into_a_pub_the/
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what is a porn star's favorite drink?

7 up in cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73an26/what_is_a_porn_stars_favorite_drink/
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Why did only a few people laugh when Bush made a 9/11 joke?

Because it was an inside joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73al1u/why_did_only_a_few_people_laugh_when_bush_made_a/
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Little Johnny

's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73akyv/little_johnny/
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An American, a Brit, and a Canadian are in a plane ...

The pilot informs them that the plane is going down, there’s no more parachutes, and they’re going to have to jump anyway. The American yells “for god and country!”, and jumps out. The Brit yells “for the Queen!”, and jumps out. The Canadian yells “for fun!”, and jumps out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ajuc/an_american_a_brit_and_a_canadian_are_in_a_plane/
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How to help a Jew with attention deficit?

Sending him to a concentration camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73aju3/how_to_help_a_jew_with_attention_deficit/
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what do a washed up boxer and dracula's girlfriend have in common?

they both go down for the count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ah8c/what_do_a_washed_up_boxer_and_draculas_girlfriend/
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What do you call 6.022x10^23 rodents?

A Mol Rat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73ad3y/what_do_you_call_6022x1023_rodents/
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Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property

The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away with it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73abjk/hugh_hefner_managed_to_successfully_stop_an_order/
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I just walked past a car filled with black people.

They locked the door as I passed. I felt like a bad ass until I realized that it was my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73a3ou/i_just_walked_past_a_car_filled_with_black_people/
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Comic: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

Victim: No. I have not heard about the new corduroy pillows.
Comic: Really? I find that very surprising because they are making headlines everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73a3bz/comic_have_you_heard_about_the_new_corduroy/
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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lebian vampire?

See you next month!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739zyo/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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Your crush's boyfriend is merely an obstacle, similar to a fence.

You just gotta jump 'em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739xm5/your_crushs_boyfriend_is_merely_an_obstacle/
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I hate it when people get simple stuff wrong

I mean, it's not rocket surgery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739wc6/i_hate_it_when_people_get_simple_stuff_wrong/
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A nun gets into a cab

, and notices that the VERY handsome Cab driver is staring
at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have
been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find
offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: No.1, you have To be
single and No.2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739vih/a_nun_gets_into_a_cab/
%
Highest level of confidence: walking around naked alone in my apartment.

Lowest level of confidence: being caught walking around naked in my apartment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739ujf/highest_level_of_confidence_walking_around_naked/
%
There was a blond, brunette and a redhead running from a cop...

They turn down an alley and it's a dead end. The blond hides in a sack of potatoes. The brunette hides in a dumpster and the redhead hides in a trashcan.
The cop comes running down the alley and doesn't see them. So he walks over to the trashcan and kicks it.
"Meow!"  Meows the redhead
"Ahh, it's just a cat." Says the cop. He walks over to the dumpster and kicks it.
"Woof woof!" Barks the brunette.
"Just a dumb dog." The cop says. Then he walks over to the potato sack and kicks it and the blond yells...
"POTATO POTATO POTATO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739ocp/there_was_a_blond_brunette_and_a_redhead_running/
%
What's Mario's favorite bagel flavor?

Ses-a-ME! Mario!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739mwk/whats_marios_favorite_bagel_flavor/
%
Hey geologists, I'm having a party...

Are you (Mg,Fe2+)2(Mg,Fe2+)5Si8O22(OH)2?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739mly/hey_geologists_im_having_a_party/
%
No hurry!

Three traitors were captured in the war and were about to face a firing squad. Before their execution they were asked what they would like to eat for their last meal.
The first prisoner asked for a juicy steak. He was served the steak and then taken away to be shot.
The second prisoner requested roast duck. He was served the duck and then taken away to be shot.
The third prisoner asked for strawberries. “Strawberries?” asked the guards. “But they’re out of season!” “It’s okay,” said the prisoner. “I’ll wait….”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739lcf/no_hurry/
%
I hate intolerant people

Can't stand 'em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739l59/i_hate_intolerant_people/
%
10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.
One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them.
To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739ii0/10_engineering_professors_board_a_plane/
%
I went into walmart to buy the album "Get Rich or Die Trying" but I had to dispute the price when it rang up for ten dollars...

... because it clearly says 50 Cent on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739ihy/i_went_into_walmart_to_buy_the_album_get_rich_or/
%
A tomato family is walking down the road...

when baby tomato falls behind. Daddy tomato goes back, smacks him on the head and says, "Ketchup!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739h7s/a_tomato_family_is_walking_down_the_road/
%
What's the difference between a enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an en zyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739fnp/whats_the_difference_between_a_enzyme_and_a/
%
Do they call me Craig the fence maker?

Bill was an American tourist in Scotland when he wandered off the trail and got lost. He wandered around for hours and was starting to worry when the sun went down. In the darkness, he saw a tiny light on top of a hill. He knew it meant civilization so he started walking towards it.
After an hour of walking, he realized it was a bar on top of the hill. He found a path that was surrounded by a fence on both sides and climbed the sem-steep hill. Finally relieved to reach the top, he entered the bar and took a seat.
Bill ordered a beer and the barman happily obliged pouring him a draft.
"Did you notice that fence?" the barman asked Bill.
"Yes, yes I did." Bill answered, "It was very helpful leading me up the steep hill."
"I built it myself," the barman jabbed a thumb into his chest, "But do they call me Craig the Fence Maker? Noooo, of course not."
Bill found that strange but was content to drink his beer before asking for directions.
"Do you like that beer?" the barman continued. "Did I pour it okay?"
"I do," Bill nodded, "It is a great pour and the beer is wonderful."
"Do they call me Craig The Beer Pourer? Noo, of course not." The barman stopped speaking and leaned on the bar in Bill's face holding up his finger, "But you fuck one sheep...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739d3l/do_they_call_me_craig_the_fence_maker/
%
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls on the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator "I THINK MY FRIEND IS DEAD, WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!"
The operator responds in a calm, soothing voice "Everything will be ok, first we should make sure he's dead."
After a long silence, the operator hears a shot.
"Ok" Says the hunter "what now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73994n/a_couple_of_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one/
%
A doctor says to his patient "I have bad news and worse news."

"Let's start with the bad news." Says the patient.
"Well..." Says the doctor "You only have 24 hours left to live."
"I can't imagine what could be worse than that." Says the patient.
"Well..." Says the doctor "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73972f/a_doctor_says_to_his_patient_i_have_bad_news_and/
%
What do you call an explosive monkey?

A baboom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73959z/what_do_you_call_an_explosive_monkey/
%
There are two secrets to success.

1. Never tell anyone everything you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7392r5/there_are_two_secrets_to_success/
%
There are two types of jokes:

1) Those which are original rather than copied word-for-word from a better person.
1) Those which are original rather than copied word-for-word from a better person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7391zf/there_are_two_types_of_jokes/
%
At the pickle factory

This guy who works at the pickle factory comes home to tell his wife that he is feeling this urge to put his penis in the pickle cutter.
Wife tells him not to do that.
Next day, the guy comes home to tell his wife that he has lost his job for putting his penis in the pickle cutter.
Wife is more worried about his penis but he assures her that his penis is fine.
Wife ask: what did they do with the pickle cutter?
Guy: they fired her too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/739021/at_the_pickle_factory/
%
My boss just texted me: "Send me one of your funny jokes!"

I texted him back: "I'm busy working. I'll send one later."
"That's hilarious," he said. "Send another one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/738y2z/my_boss_just_texted_me_send_me_one_of_your_funny/
%
How many vegans does it take to eat a hamburger?

It depends if anyone is looking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/738xtd/how_many_vegans_does_it_take_to_eat_a_hamburger/
%
Son: Dad, why is dinner so cold and bitter?

Dad: Because your mother put her heart into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/738wxv/son_dad_why_is_dinner_so_cold_and_bitter/
%
Why do computer scientists get confused between Halloween and Christmas?

Because oct 31 = dec 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/738uct/why_do_computer_scientists_get_confused_between/
%
A touching tribute to Hugh Hefner

RIP Hugh Hefner - the man who taught a complete generation how to read a book with one hand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/738tok/a_touching_tribute_to_hugh_hefner/
%
I went to the doctors with hearing problems last week.

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/738oxk/i_went_to_the_doctors_with_hearing_problems_last/
%
I went to a Halloween party and saw two people wrapped in a barcode.

I asked them " Are you two an item?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/738mb5/i_went_to_a_halloween_party_and_saw_two_people/
%
Why did the pirate prefer slightly above average students?

Because he always preferred the high C's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/738lab/why_did_the_pirate_prefer_slightly_above_average/
%
When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof

I was shocked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/738l5m/when_i_found_out_my_toaster_wasnt_waterproof/
%
"Son, do you know why I pulled you over?"

- Cop with Alzheimer's trying to play it cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/738j85/son_do_you_know_why_i_pulled_you_over/
%
An upset parent walks up to the coach of a local minor league's baseball team, "Excuse me, sir, but don't you think 'The Browns' is a racist name to have for the team?"

The coach replies, "what? No, the name is simply because the uniforms are brown. In fact, to avoid any signs of racism with the name, we don't allow any brown people on the team."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/738dz5/an_upset_parent_walks_up_to_the_coach_of_a_local/
%
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office

and told the receptionist she
wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist
suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster
to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I
rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the
lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the
spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The
lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in
assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have
$40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be
distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life,
people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass
on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral
that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone
who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what
would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone
almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I
die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see
what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer
was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird
request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with
$5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide
the service himself.
She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until
you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house
and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but
her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out
and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/738are/an_elderly_spinster_called_the_lawyers_office/
%
Met a 16 year old Asian girl last night.

Her name was Tu Yung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/738a5v/met_a_16_year_old_asian_girl_last_night/
%
I don't get what this whole NFL anthem controversy is about...

I thought the right-wingers *WANTED* to see black people on their knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7386cs/i_dont_get_what_this_whole_nfl_anthem_controversy/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7385xb/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
There is a term for a president like Trump.

Well actually there's two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7385mk/there_is_a_term_for_a_president_like_trump/
%
I called an old University classmate and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,
aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed..
However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes
with hot water under his wife's supervision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7382ng/i_called_an_old_university_classmate_and_asked/
%
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said " all the married men please stand next to the person who made your life worth living"

The bartender was damn near crushed to death!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7381c3/at_a_wedding_reception_i_recently_attended/
%
A door to door salesman knocked on a door and a woman answered.

Salesman - Hello. Would you like to buy a book titled '500 Excuses to Tell Your Wife After Staying Out Late'?
Woman - Why on earth would I buy a book like that?
Salesman - Because I sold a copy to your husband earlier today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/737w68/a_door_to_door_salesman_knocked_on_a_door_and_a/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/737tn7/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Breaking news : ISIS has surrendered

As soon as they read that Hugh Hefner has died , they realized there won't be any more virgins left for them in heaven, and have laid down their arms and will lead peaceful lives with their current wives .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/737td3/breaking_news_isis_has_surrendered/
%
A person needs two things for a good life: good tea and good puns...

Without them, you've just got a shit-tea life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/737sxo/a_person_needs_two_things_for_a_good_life_good/
%
A guy goes to a cake shop and says:

- Can you please make me a cake that says "you are the only one for me"?
- Yes sir.
- Well, I'll order five of those.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/737ri1/a_guy_goes_to_a_cake_shop_and_says/
%
Back to the Drawing Board

(after the Apocalypse)
God: *sigh* "Ok. This time I'm going to make them all the same color.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/737pyo/back_to_the_drawing_board/
%
My brother went to jail.

He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and throwing his feces at the wall.
I don't think we will be playing monopoly with him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/737kmf/my_brother_went_to_jail/
%
When do Asians gain the most weight?

When their dog dies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/737fje/when_do_asians_gain_the_most_weight/
%
I had a dream last night about an armored horse.

It was a Knight mare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/737faa/i_had_a_dream_last_night_about_an_armored_horse/
%
If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/737ejg/if_you_thought_ebay_was_bad_dont_even_try_tinder/
%
A man is pulled over by police for speeding

Police 1: do you know how fast you are going?
Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist.
Police 1: Really?
Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk
Police 1: is that everything?
Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun in my glove compartment
[Police 1 calls for backup and now the swat team approaches the man's car]
SWAT 1: I'm going to need you step outside the vehicle
[ the man steps out and the police search the car]
SWAT 1: he appears to have no gun, no stolen money, and no dead body.
Police 1: but he told me he committed those crimes...
Man: well I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/737b32/a_man_is_pulled_over_by_police_for_speeding/
%
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are set to be executed by firing line.

The executioner calls up the brunette."Any last words!" he yells."NO!"yells the brunette. so the executioner says "ready -aim - fi-
But before he can finish the brunette yells "earthquake!" And in the resulting panic, the brunette escaped.
Next the executioner calls up the redhead. "Any last words!" He yells. "NO!" Yells the redhead. "Alright" says the executioner.
"Ready-aim-fi-" But before he can finish the redhead yells "tornado!" And in the resulting panic the redhead escapes.
Next the executioner calls up the blonde. "Any last words!" He yells "NO!" Yells the blonde. "Alright then - Ready - Aim"
But before he can finish the blonde - having thought she knew what to do, yells "FIRE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/737972/a_brunette_a_redhead_and_a_blonde_are_set_to_be/
%
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipes his arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7377vo/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_he_dumps_his/
%
How do you tickle a rich girl?

Say “Gucci Gucci Gucci!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73773u/how_do_you_tickle_a_rich_girl/
%
When did Japanese start eating egg?

A long tamago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7373uw/when_did_japanese_start_eating_egg/
%
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?

They're always searching for the tooth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7373nm/how_do_you_know_the_tooth_fairy_is_a_journalist/
%
I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7371s1/ive_been_reading_so_much_about_the_bad_effects_of/
%
What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7370hn/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_dating_a_blind_woman/
%
What's Mozart up to these days?

Decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/736zzj/whats_mozart_up_to_these_days/
%
There were 3 blondes walking on a trail...

The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"
The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "
The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"
Then a train hit them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/736ydb/there_were_3_blondes_walking_on_a_trail/
%
How did Russia win the second World War?

By stalin' the german advance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/736y0e/how_did_russia_win_the_second_world_war/
%
Why shouldn't you let your kids watch an orchestra?

There's a lot of *sax and violins*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/736xf0/why_shouldnt_you_let_your_kids_watch_an_orchestra/
%
Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/736ss0/dear_friends_it_is_with_the_saddest_heart_that_i/
%
Have you ever seen a Toadstool?

Looks just like a frog shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/736ps1/have_you_ever_seen_a_toadstool/
%
Want to hear a construction joke?

Well, i'm still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/736pq1/want_to_hear_a_construction_joke/
%
I met a vegan and a CrossFitter 2hrs ago

I still haven't got his name yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/736i49/i_met_a_vegan_and_a_crossfitter_2hrs_ago/
%
I was going to tell a time travelling joke

But you guys didn't like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/736e2t/i_was_going_to_tell_a_time_travelling_joke/
%
Johnny With his father

Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card.
Johnny: I don’t have it.
Johnny’s father: Why not?
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/736apl/johnny_with_his_father/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

Because he was fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7366g1/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
My girlfriend told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo

That's when I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7362j2/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_had_to_stop_acting_like_a/
%
My wife loved to talk to me while having sex

She would always call me from the hotels she was staying at

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7361p9/my_wife_loved_to_talk_to_me_while_having_sex/
%
I don't understand why people are so mad about football players taking a knee

Its a solid strategy for running out the clock in the 4th quarter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73618j/i_dont_understand_why_people_are_so_mad_about/
%
A young boy says to his father, "Dad, why does the dog spin in circles when she's excited?"

The boy's father replies, "Because it's very hard to spin in squares."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7360tq/a_young_boy_says_to_his_father_dad_why_does_the/
%
What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/735yci/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
On the morning of her birthday....

On the morning of her birthday, a woman tells her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/735vty/on_the_morning_of_her_birthday/
%
Who did King Arthur leave in charge of security?

Sir Veillance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/735ui3/who_did_king_arthur_leave_in_charge_of_security/
%
I just read that article about Robot Sex Workers, and all I could think was, "Man, automation really is taking over all the jobs...

Even your mom's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/735tel/i_just_read_that_article_about_robot_sex_workers/
%
To all Imbeciles of Reddit

Thank you for admitting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/735q3b/to_all_imbeciles_of_reddit/
%
Did you hear about the ex body builder who can no longer crush a coke can?

It's just soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/735plf/did_you_hear_about_the_ex_body_builder_who_can_no/
%
I had sex with my girlfriend and it was just like in the movies...

I was fast and she was furious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/735o98/i_had_sex_with_my_girlfriend_and_it_was_just_like/
%
Wife: You're shirtless?

(husband nods)
Wife: And covered in...oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/735o51/wife_youre_shirtless/
%
I had to call the cops on my girlfriend today

I kept telling her Reddit jokes and I found her unresponsive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/735la5/i_had_to_call_the_cops_on_my_girlfriend_today/
%
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall to her.

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/735l73/my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall_to_her/
%
Why were Native Americans the first ones here?

They all had reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/735f5s/why_were_native_americans_the_first_ones_here/
%
What's a ghost's favorite type of porn?

Spookakke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/735d68/whats_a_ghosts_favorite_type_of_porn/
%
What did one leg say to the other leg?

"I hope we don't make an ass out of ourselves..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7356a8/what_did_one_leg_say_to_the_other_leg/
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A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar...

... After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7353ww/a_large_powerfullybuilt_guy_meets_a_woman_at_a_bar/
%
A rural farmer saves enough money to send his son to college

He moves out of town and after his first year he returns for summer break.
His father was elated to see him and eager to hear about what he had learned:
Father: So tell me all 'bout whatcha been lernin'?
Son: Aw Paw, you don't want to hear about that. Besides, it's a bit complicated and hard to explain.
Father: Aw c'mon! Just give me a little sumpthin'!
Son: Well, for example, we learned PI r2…
Father: What n' da hell kinda ejicashun am I payin' for? Everyone knows pie are round and cornbread are squared!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7351qi/a_rural_farmer_saves_enough_money_to_send_his_son/
%
So there's this blind girl giving a guy a handjob at a party...

She says "wow! This is by far the biggest I've ever felt!"
The guy says "ah, you're pulling my leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/735153/so_theres_this_blind_girl_giving_a_guy_a_handjob/
%
How do robots eat guacamole?

With computer chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734ymk/how_do_robots_eat_guacamole/
%
Hear about the girl who sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Are you gonna lie to me!?"

Pinocchio said, "Yes... no... yes... no... yes... no...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734yfx/hear_about_the_girl_who_sat_on_pinocchios_face/
%
Beer is great!

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734y46/beer_is_great/
%
Teachers didn't have sex with students when I went to school

There were principles for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734xxq/teachers_didnt_have_sex_with_students_when_i_went/
%
What do you call a doctor who graduates at the bottom of their class?

Doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734xgm/what_do_you_call_a_doctor_who_graduates_at_the/
%
What's the best thing about using the bathroom at work?

You get paid for this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734xe9/whats_the_best_thing_about_using_the_bathroom_at/
%
Hey girl, do you want 3.3 inches inside you?

Because I always give 110%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734waf/hey_girl_do_you_want_33_inches_inside_you/
%
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

Yep, it runs in your jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734vup/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

wiped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734v0q/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
Why are Santa’s balls so big?

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734u58/why_are_santas_balls_so_big/
%
You guys hear about that badass wrestler that loves ice cream?

They call him Coldstone Steve Austin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734soj/you_guys_hear_about_that_badass_wrestler_that/
%
What does cunnilingus and being in the Mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734slj/what_does_cunnilingus_and_being_in_the_mafia_have/
%
why did the soy based meat substitute cross the road?

to prove it wasn't chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734r49/why_did_the_soy_based_meat_substitute_cross_the/
%
I’d like to give a big shoutout to sidewalks

For keeping me off the streets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734oij/id_like_to_give_a_big_shoutout_to_sidewalks/
%
I used to have diarrhea.

But, now it's "gonerrhea".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734o8y/i_used_to_have_diarrhea/
%
Why was the duck in rehab?

Because he was a recovering **quack** addict

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734mxv/why_was_the_duck_in_rehab/
%
Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734m7h/why_did_i_get_divorced/
%
My wife told me to eat shit

Still better than her food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734lav/my_wife_told_me_to_eat_shit/
%
Why could the tomatoe outrun the broccoli?

Because he wasn't a vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734cpt/why_could_the_tomatoe_outrun_the_broccoli/
%
So...if a redhead goes crazy...

Is it called a ginger snap?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/734clr/soif_a_redhead_goes_crazy/
%
I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7343op/i_snorted_coke_and_meth_smoked_four_blunts_and/
%
I love abortion jokes

They really bring out the kid in me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7343fw/i_love_abortion_jokes/
%
Can I get the Wifi pass ?

Today I went to the restaurant. I saw there is WIFI service. So I ask for the password. The waitress told me eat first. So I place my orders. After eating I ask again for the password and again she told me eat first. Feeling frustrated, again I order black coffee. After drinking again I ask for the password. They told me eat first. I then angrily ask the restaurant manager for the password. He replied eat first. Before I wanted to explode, I finally saw a sign showing the WIFI password: "eat first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7342o9/can_i_get_the_wifi_pass/
%
Why did the Republican hate his logic course?

Because Philosophy is considered a *liberal* art

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73417y/why_did_the_republican_hate_his_logic_course/
%
There was this really hot guy on the beach when I was in Mexico, so I brought him some Jewish bread.

He gave me a weird look, subsequently turned me down...and I don't understand *why.*
*I just wanted to challah at a Playa.*
^I'm ^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7340il/there_was_this_really_hot_guy_on_the_beach_when_i/
%
Why can't a blond dial 911?

She cant find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/733y76/why_cant_a_blond_dial_911/
%
TIFU- I told my wife she is a bitch.

She said I have 100 problems now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/733v79/tifu_i_told_my_wife_she_is_a_bitch/
%
Well hidden blonde

There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette.
They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.
So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops.
The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.
So they go out the back door and they run to a nearby farm.
The redhead notices some pigs so she runs and hides with all of them. The brunette sees some cows and runs and hides with them and the blonde notices sacks of potatoes and hides behind them.
Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.
They go to the farm to continue looking.
One cop says "They might be hiding with the pigs".
So he shines his light at the pigs and asks "Anyone in there?"
"Oink oink," says the redhead.
"Well, nobody in there." The cop shines his light at the cows. "Anyone in there?" He asks.
"Mooo," says the brunette.
"Nope, nobody in there." The cop shines his light by the potatoes and asks, "Anyone there?"
A few seconds of silence pass by before the cop hears the blonde respond in a slow voice... "po...ta...toes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/733tvp/well_hidden_blonde/
%
What do you call a fake Noodle?

An impasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/733sn7/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/733s00/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
I'm staying a virgin for my entire life...

To set a good example for my kids .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/733r3e/im_staying_a_virgin_for_my_entire_life/
%
A student writes her parent's, "Deare$t Mom and Dad,

college i$ going well. I am making many friend$ and learning lot$. But $omething i$ mi$$ing, I ju$t wi$h I knew what it wa$. Anyway$, be$t wi$hes and I'll talk to you again $oon.
Her parents respond,
Dearest Daughter,
NOthing makes us happier than kNOwing you're doing well. We NOtice all the hard work and commitment you have put into your studies and it is definitely NOteworthy. We just wanted to ackNOwledge  your accomplishments. Thank you for your letter and we love you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/733jv9/a_student_writes_her_parents_dearet_mom_and_dad/
%
A woman marries a lawyer

During the wedding night, she says to her husband:
- I have a confession to make. I am still a virgin.
- How is that possible? You have been married 3 more times.
- Well, my first husband was a politician. He kept describing how grand the act would be, but never actually did it. My second husband was a ceo. He knew what needed to be done, but was unsure whose job it was. Finally, my third husband was an engineer. He said he knew the basics, but needed 3 years to research, develop and implement a new advanced method. They are the reason I married you.
- What do you mean?
- Well, with a lawyer, one way or the other, I am bound to get fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/733jtg/a_woman_marries_a_lawyer/
%
A hillbilly wants a divorce.

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/733f20/a_hillbilly_wants_a_divorce/
%
"Why did you name your dog I-know-what-you-did?"

"Because I love it when people jump 3 feet in the air whenever I call him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/733f0w/why_did_you_name_your_dog_iknowwhatyoudid/
%
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

Because he couldn't see himself doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/733e9s/why_did_the_invisible_man_turn_down_the_job_offer/
%
Why are black people so tall?

Because their knee grows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/733dn0/why_are_black_people_so_tall/
%
So a few years ago David Hasselhoff said to his agent "I just want to be known as The Hoff"

His agent replied "no Hassel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/733clr/so_a_few_years_ago_david_hasselhoff_said_to_his/
%
A man got hit in the head with a can of soda.

He's alright though, it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73396h/a_man_got_hit_in_the_head_with_a_can_of_soda/
%
A recent study shows that out of 2,385,529,627 people.

85% were too lazy too read that number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7338n7/a_recent_study_shows_that_out_of_2385529627_people/
%
So I met this guy at the train station...

who was trying to kill himself. But I knew he was just looking for help, so I put him on the right track.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/733520/so_i_met_this_guy_at_the_train_station/
%
Old farmer Joe is checking on his chickens

He notices that one of his chickens, Betty, is producing more eggs than any other chicken on the farm. What’s even more interesting is that they all look identical: same little freckle on the top, same patterns, even exactly the same colour! “This really is unusual,” he exclaims, and decides to investigate into this phenomenon further.
He decides to put the eggs through three tests to see if they remain similar all the time. For the first test, he takes twenty of the eggs and smashes them over a brick with his hands. Joe checks the interior of the shell, and each one is different in some way, in most occasions due to the thickness of the shell. He makes his observations: “sadly the shells on the brick were different.”
The second and third tests consist of cooking tests in different environments. For the second test, Joe hires out a private jet, takes twenty more eggs, then flies up above the clouds and sets about making scrambled eggs whilst the plane is on autopilot. He mashes the eggs up and makes a mean plate of scrambled eggs, but once more the eggs are all different. Feeling downbeat and hoping for maybe one positive result, he makes his observations: “the scrambled eggs on the plane were different.”
For the final test, Joe goes out of his way to prove his theory. This time he hires out an old navy submarine to do his experiment in, complete with a fully functioning team of crew. Impatient and desperate, he grabs twenty more eggs and hurried aboard.
As the crew get them deeper under the water and the light outside fades, Joe sets about frying his eggs. All of them are going smoothly except for one, which is rocking slightly. At first Joe thinks nothing of it, but as the vessel gets into deeper depths and the cooking continues, the egg rocks more and more violently until it bursts and yolk spurts everywhere! Joe watches in astonishment as it shrinks and bubbles on the stove... next to nineteen perfectly similar yellow mounds.
“It can’t be!” Joe shouts to himself as he studies the eggs in more detail. Every single one is the same in every aspect, albeit the bursting egg. In his frenzied excitement, he is able to make one final observation whilst clutching the egg that burst from within its mother: “all the yolks on this sub are the same, but this one is original!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7333te/old_farmer_joe_is_checking_on_his_chickens/
%
Earth is the best planet...

The mere rotation of it makes my day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7330lf/earth_is_the_best_planet/
%
eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/732y6u/ebay_is_so_useless/
%
A Postman is waiting in line for the ATM

A postman is waiting in line to use the ATM, a tall man was standing in front of him.
The Postman takes off his glove, presses his index finger in the mans ear and loudly says "BOOP"
The man turns around, stares down the postman, and turns back around.
The postman did it again, "Boop"
The man, now getting angry, said "Here you do that again ima fucking do you in"
The postman did it again, "Boop"
The man then swings himself around and launched his knee into the postmans genitals. To which the postman starts to laugh.
The man asks, "Why are you laughing? Did that not hurt?"
The postman replies, "i'm an alien from another world, I do not have the same male genitalia as you do"
The man, now intrigued, says "But, if you have no genitals, how do you have sex?"
The postman puts his index finger into the mans ears and says "Boop".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/732uxf/a_postman_is_waiting_in_line_for_the_atm/
%
My GF said that she likes surprises for her birthday.

So I didn’t get her anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/732uo5/my_gf_said_that_she_likes_surprises_for_her/
%
I should have known Trump supporters online were Russians.

Their English is too good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/732t2l/i_should_have_known_trump_supporters_online_were/
%
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/732oo9/my_grandpa_started_walking_five_miles_a_day_when/
%
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of  ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/732oo7/couple_in_their_nineties_are_both_having_problems/
%
a dead frog on a leash

little Johny goes walking down the street with a flat frog on a leash.
He goes straight to a brothel and says, "I need a women"
The house mistress is clearly not buying this boy.
"are you sure you know what you're doing?"
"I've got the money and I'm not leaving until I get what a came for!"
well money is money, but so she entertained the idea, "okay, is there someone you have in mind? "
To her surprise he did, "Marry. I heard everyone brings something home after Marry. "
"wow, down that hall and first door on the left. but I have to ask, if you know she has something than why did you pick her?"
"well, miss. when I get home my babysitter will be there and she's go'nna touch me and get the disease.
when daddy gets home he's going to touch the babysitter and he's go'nna get the disease.
when mommy gets home she's gonna touch daddy and she's gonna get the disease.
when the mail comes tomorrow mommy is gonna touch the mailman and he's gonna get the disease. And he's the motherfucker that ran over my frog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/732mrg/a_dead_frog_on_a_leash/
%
Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/732ln4/three_old_guys_are_out_walking/
%
What is the difference betweeen the USA and a USB

One records and reads all of your personal data, and the other is a hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/732knm/what_is_the_difference_betweeen_the_usa_and_a_usb/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/732g5v/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/732g5j/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_that_cant_change/
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What’s Gordon Ramsey’s least favourite subreddit?

It’s fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/732eru/whats_gordon_ramseys_least_favourite_subreddit/
%
What's orange and sounds a like a parrot?

A carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73286p/whats_orange_and_sounds_a_like_a_parrot/
%
Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.

The objective is clear,  there’s an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.
Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you’re not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7325qa/studying_engineering_in_school_is_like_world_war_2/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey
(This is an old joke I saw. But haven’t seen it here in a while. So I figured some of you might get a small laugh out of this)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7325o5/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
How government work REALLY gets done

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is putting your tax dollars to work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7324pr/how_government_work_really_gets_done/
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What do you call a bee that can't makeup it's mind?

A maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7324fv/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_cant_makeup_its_mind/
%
Two programmers are talking about life...

Programmer 1: Does my life have meaning?
Programmer 2: False
Programmer 1: Stop Boolean me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/731vo9/two_programmers_are_talking_about_life/
%
The woman and the ring

A woman in a jewelry store farted while bending over looking at a beautiful diamond ring.
She looks around embarrassed and see the salesman standing behind her, he says, Good day madam, how may l help you?
Hoping maybe he hadn't heard her accident she asks, Sir what's the price for this lovely ring?
He answered, Madam if u fart by just looking at it you're going to shit when I tell you the price!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/731v5q/the_woman_and_the_ring/
%
Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/731u03/why_do_bees_have_sticky_hair/
%
Why did the French Chef kill himself?

...Because he lost his huile d'olive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/731s0u/why_did_the_french_chef_kill_himself/
%
A guy goes to the doctor:

“Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”
Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”
Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/731rie/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
If you ask a man to do something, he'll do it...

You don't need to remind him every 6 months!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/731o9q/if_you_ask_a_man_to_do_something_hell_do_it/
%
My dick was in the Guinness book of records!

Until the librarian asked me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/731l8k/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_records/
%
What type of Asian is Genghis Khan?

InvASIAN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/731jbh/what_type_of_asian_is_genghis_khan/
%
If your uncle Jack helped you off of a horse.

Would you help your uncle jack off a horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/731fd9/if_your_uncle_jack_helped_you_off_of_a_horse/
%
How does a robot avoid getting caught for public masturbation?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/731ewf/how_does_a_robot_avoid_getting_caught_for_public/
%
They say a woman's work is never done.

Maybe that's why they get paid less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/731enh/they_say_a_womans_work_is_never_done/
%
Why do doctors use two fingers for a rectal exam?

For a second opinion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/731ai5/why_do_doctors_use_two_fingers_for_a_rectal_exam/
%
What’s a cannibal’s favorite kind of noodle?

Rawmen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7313s0/whats_a_cannibals_favorite_kind_of_noodle/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair

I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7312fd/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_stole/
%
A groom breaks tradition by taking a quiet moment with his bride before their wedding...

He can barely get one word in before she drops to her knees and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had.
Later, beaming, as he takes his place at the altar, his best man asks him why he’s so happy.
“I just got the best blow job of my life, and I’m marrying the woman who did it!” He replies...
Likewise, his bride comes down the aisle grinning ear to ear...
Her maid of honor asks her why she‘s so happy.
To which she replies: “I just gave the last blowjob of my life!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7311yf/a_groom_breaks_tradition_by_taking_a_quiet_moment/
%
As an introvert I’ve always wanted to star in a sitcom

Most of your social interaction occurs with the people you live with and lasts about 21 minutes a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/731012/as_an_introvert_ive_always_wanted_to_star_in_a/
%
Fred is a blind man.

He went for a walk one morning to a new area of town to discover new smells and sounds.
He first walked by a local bakery and deeply inhaled the sweet aroma of the fresh breads and pastries.
"Ah, good morning Mr. Baker."
After exchanging pleasantries he continued on.
He then walked through a local park. He could smell the autumn leaves, and could hear birds chirping and children playing.
"Good morning, children.", he said as he passed.
As he continues on, he reaches the local fish market.
He breathes in deeply and says, "Wooo, good morning ladies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730zb6/fred_is_a_blind_man/
%
How do you scare bees?

"Boo-bees!"
Gold from my local preacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730vx1/how_do_you_scare_bees/
%
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
"Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730ti7/the_children_were_lined_up_in_the_cafeteria_of_a/
%
So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom. And he's got a lot of work to do.

First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store. But there's a huge tuxedo line at the store.
Finally he gets out of there and realizes he has to go buy a corsage, so he goes to a florist. But there's this big long corsage line at the florist.
Finally he gets the corsage and has his tux and he's gotta go rent a limo. But there's this huge line when he gets to the limo place.
Finally after waiting and making all the arrangements, it's the night of the prom. He picks her up and takes her down there to get in, but there's this huge ticket line at the door.
Finally they get in and they start dancing and having fun, and she says to him, "I'm hungry," so he goes to get her some food, but there's this huge buffet line.
He gets her some food and they eat and they're dancing again and she says, "Now I'm thirsty, can you get me a drink?" So he goes to get her a drink and there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730r3d/so_this_guy_is_taking_his_girlfriend_to_the_high/
%
2000: Don't talk to people on the internet or get into stranger's cars

2017: Literally talk to strangers online to get INTO their cars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730qh5/2000_dont_talk_to_people_on_the_internet_or_get/
%
What do you call a super watered down liquor with all the oxygen removed?

Hydro-gin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730qe8/what_do_you_call_a_super_watered_down_liquor_with/
%
A new thrift store just opened up in my town, and all proceeds go to Parkinson's research...

you get a 10% discount if you do the secret hand shake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730q8z/a_new_thrift_store_just_opened_up_in_my_town_and/
%
Which knight did King Arthur leave in charge of constructing the round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730ntd/which_knight_did_king_arthur_leave_in_charge_of/
%
One day a woman had 100 kids

But she wasn't creative enough to name them all so she just named them in numerical order, the first one is 1, the second is 2, and so on. Eventually, they all grew up and had families of their own. 90 had two sons, and they begged her for a puppy, but she always told them "No", but one day they found a stray puppy, after they couldn't find it's owner they decided to keep him, "We have to keep this a secret from mom" said one to the other "You're right, she'll make us go bring it to the pound or something", and with that, the two boys took care of the dog
But they also realised that the dog needed a name, so they named it This. After weeks of hard work to keep it alive, bathing it, feeding it, they found it dead, they were heartbroken and didn't know what happened to it, but they eventually decided to bury it. Now, only 90's kids remember This

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730ko7/one_day_a_woman_had_100_kids/
%
Where does Peter Pan eat out?

He eats out at Wendy's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730ka0/where_does_peter_pan_eat_out/
%
50Cent says Trump offered him $500,000 to join presidential campaign

Only Trump would pay $500k for $0.50
Such a deal maker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730fxd/50cent_says_trump_offered_him_500000_to_join/
%
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic.

Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730duf/bill_and_bob_two_children_were_sitting_outside_a/
%
I still remember the words of my late father...

"Hey, son, sorry I'm late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730c9o/i_still_remember_the_words_of_my_late_father/
%
How did Captain Hook die?

He wiped his ass with the wrong hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730bdg/how_did_captain_hook_die/
%
If Pakistan is an Islamic country.....

Then why is its capital called Islama**bad**?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730ax7/if_pakistan_is_an_islamic_country/
%
What do you call an American Bee?

A USB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/730899/what_do_you_call_an_american_bee/
%
What is Gordon Ramsey’s least favourite movie?

it’s fucking **FROZEN**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7300mj/what_is_gordon_ramseys_least_favourite_movie/
%
The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it.  If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7300kj/the_comedy_industry_is_ridiculously_sexist/
%
How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?

Sing the national anthem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/73008l/how_do_you_get_a_football_player_to_stop/
%
How do you call a culture that only agrees?

An agriculture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72zy1i/how_do_you_call_a_culture_that_only_agrees/
%
swearing parrot joke

A man bought a parrot. But sadly, it's previous owners used some really nasty words, and the parrot didn't stop swearing!
so the man yells at the parrot, takes away it's food, and threatens to lock it in the cupboard.
but the parrot doesn't shut up, so the man locks it in the cupboard.
it swears even more.
then he locks it in it's cage and sticks in in the basement alone, and it starts screaming obscenities.
So finally the man locks it in the freezer.
the parrot starts screaming a rich blend of some of the nastiest words at the top of his lungs...
and suddenly lets out a piecing screech and goes totally quiet.
the man takes the parrot out of the freezer
the parrot says "ok, ok. I will never swear again."
the parrot says "but can I ask one thing?"
the man says "sure"
so then the parrot says "what did the chicken do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72zxb1/swearing_parrot_joke/
%
Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72zu9m/why_is_everyone_obsessed_with_that_new_horror/
%
What is similar between Jon Snow and The Night King?

They have both speared a dragon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72zs6g/what_is_similar_between_jon_snow_and_the_night/
%
A pirate named Ronny gets promoted to First Mate.

Ronny is pondering life one day as hes giving the captain a shave.
"I'm not a very good pirate," he says to the captain.  "I can't navigate and I don't know how to fight.  I don't even sound like a pirate.  Is there a reason you chose me as first mate?"
"Aye Ronny," says the captain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72zrh1/a_pirate_named_ronny_gets_promoted_to_first_mate/
%
First rule of vegan club:

Tell fucking everyone about the vegan club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72zm7c/first_rule_of_vegan_club/
%
My girlfriend is dyslexic...

.. She loves "cooking my sock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72zlr7/my_girlfriend_is_dyslexic/
%
My grandma taught me to be like Jesus and spend every day helping the powerless.

So I became an electrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72zidu/my_grandma_taught_me_to_be_like_jesus_and_spend/
%
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth...

then it just becomes a soap opera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72zafm/singing_in_the_shower_is_all_fun_and_games_until/
%
I was wondering if my wife was dissatisfied with my body?

A tiny part of me says yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72z8ql/i_was_wondering_if_my_wife_was_dissatisfied_with/
%
Who do you call if you're being mugged?

The cups.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72z7a5/who_do_you_call_if_youre_being_mugged/
%
Mosquitos are like family...

Annoying  but they carry your blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72z09u/mosquitos_are_like_family/
%
How can you describe 'small' in 3, 2 letter words?

Is it in?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72yyrv/how_can_you_describe_small_in_3_2_letter_words/
%
I just bought some 12 year old scotch

Her parents weren't too happy with it though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72yyb6/i_just_bought_some_12_year_old_scotch/
%
“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly last night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”
“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ys0y/mommy_i_saw_you_jumping_on_daddys_belly_last_night/
%
Think you're gay?

Go see a chiropractor, he'll straighten you up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72yrvq/think_youre_gay/
%
Paddy and Mick were walking down the street

They come across a skip
Paddy tells  Mick to wait so he can check inside for goodies, he climbed in an picks up this huge mirror,
Looking at it he says "I know the face but I just can't remember his name"
Mick grabs it saying "let me see"
Then says "it's me you daft bastard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72yrmw/paddy_and_mick_were_walking_down_the_street/
%
Wow Peter! You have changed a lot during the last years!

"Wow Peter! You have changed a lot during the last years!"
"My name is not Peter..."
"Oh you've also changed your name?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72yrlk/wow_peter_you_have_changed_a_lot_during_the_last/
%
What did the sterile australian say to his wife that wanted kids

Im afraid i cant mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ypst/what_did_the_sterile_australian_say_to_his_wife/
%
Jesus fed a 100 people bread

Hitler made 6 million jews toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ypip/jesus_fed_a_100_people_bread/
%
[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.

"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes, and thanks for the tip", the second said.
"Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ykia/nsfw_you_dont_sound_so_well_today_a_woman_told/
%
What are you doing?

Wife asked: What are u doing?
Husband: Am Killing mosquitoes?
Wife: How many did u kill?
Husband: Total 5. Two females, 3 males.
Wife: How do u know their genders?
Husband:  2 were near my wallet and 3 near the beer bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72yg2d/what_are_you_doing/
%
Girls are like blackjack...

I'm always going for 21 but I always end up hitting on 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72yeuy/girls_are_like_blackjack/
%
A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.”
Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ybzx/a_defendant_isnt_happy_with_how_things_are_going/
%
Knock knock

Hugh's there?
Not anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72y9op/knock_knock/
%
A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
FP edit: thanks Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72y9di/a_women_married_and_had_13_children_her_husband/
%
My girlfriend asked me how my diet was going

I told her using more sex as an incentive has been really effective thus far.
She responded quizzically, saying, “we haven’t been having more sex than usual.”
So, long story short, my girlfriend dumped me when she found out when I have been doing on my cheat days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72y36d/my_girlfriend_asked_me_how_my_diet_was_going/
%
For the first time, I'm having more sex than

Hugh Hefner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72y33m/for_the_first_time_im_having_more_sex_than/
%
RIP Hugh Hefner

Through his death, I'll be reaching for tissues in his honor for the rest of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72xy6a/rip_hugh_hefner/
%
Just another dad joke

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72xwcc/just_another_dad_joke/
%
At least Hugh Hefner died doing what he loved.

Having a stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72xvbs/at_least_hugh_hefner_died_doing_what_he_loved/
%
Hugh Hefner Peacefully Passed Away From Natural Causes Today.

Playmate Natural Causes could not be reached for comment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72xp11/hugh_hefner_peacefully_passed_away_from_natural/
%
What did the guy say when he realized the milk was curdled?

NO WHEY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72xlkq/what_did_the_guy_say_when_he_realized_the_milk/
%
I had a D in my history class

Just like how Oedipus had a D in his mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72xlg9/i_had_a_d_in_my_history_class/
%
Do you think they can hear us having sex?

"No, no, no, we can't," said a voice with reassurance on the other side of the wall. "But you'd probably be quieter if she went on top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72xh73/do_you_think_they_can_hear_us_having_sex/
%
Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72xeu0/your_parents_in_1996_dont_trust_anyone_on_the/
%
Never let anyone tell you that you're worthless

Piece by piece, I could make 50,000 dollars off of you on the black market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72xd4m/never_let_anyone_tell_you_that_youre_worthless/
%
Saw this squirrel humping an acorn the other day

It was fuckin nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72xb3g/saw_this_squirrel_humping_an_acorn_the_other_day/
%
A five year old boy won't stop sucking his thumb...

His mother has tried everything: gloves on his hands, bad-tasting glaze on his fingernails, rewards charts, etc., but somehow or another her son would always end up with his thumb back in his mouth.
Finally, after many exasperating months, the mother bursts out with, "Listen, son: Every time you suck that thumb, you're making your tummy fill with air, okay? It's going to get fatter and fatter until one day...*boom*, you'll pop! Do you want that?"
The kid goes wide-eyed and shakes his head. "No, Mommy."
"Do you understand now?"
"Yes, Mommy."
This seemed to finally do the trick. After three thumbsucking-free days, the mom decides to reward her kid with ice cream. As the two of them sit on a park bench later that day enjoying their cones, a heavily pregnant woman stops to rest on the bench right across from them.
The little boy's mouth drops open as he catches sight of her. Before his mother can say anything, he slips off the bench and approaches the pregnant woman.
The pregnant woman smiles at the boy as he nears her. "Hello, little boy."
"Hi," he says. He motions to her bulging stomach. "May I please touch it?"
"Sure," she responds graciously.
He pats her stomach in wonder and then gives her a sly, knowing smile.
"Well I know what *you've* been doing!" he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72xadc/a_five_year_old_boy_wont_stop_sucking_his_thumb/
%
[Long] Dead frog on a string.

A boy walks into a brothel pulling a dead frog on a string. He walks up to the Madam, lays some money on the counter and says    "Miss, I want the dirtiest, most disease-ridden whore you have here."     She replies: "First off, we don't do that kind of thing around here, secondly you are way too young to even be in here!"    So he lays some more money down on the counter and retorts "Mam I'm serious about this, I want the nastiest girl you've got!"    After a bit of thinking the Madam takes him into the back room and leaves him to do his business. After a bit he walks out and goes to leave when the Madam stops him.    She asks: "Before you leave, I need to know... why did you want her?"    So the boy tells her "Mam, later tonight when my parents go out they're going to hire a baby sitter, and I'm going to fuck the baby sitter, when they come home, my Dad is going to take her home, and he's going to fuck the baby sitter, when he gets home he's going to fuck my Mom. Now tomorrow morning when my Dad leaves for work, the milkman is going to fuck my Mom, and that's the mother fucker who ran over my frog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72x8yp/long_dead_frog_on_a_string/
%
Is it ok to hate certain races?

Because I can't stand doing 5ks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72x8am/is_it_ok_to_hate_certain_races/
%
Why is Obesity Illegal in Japan?

Because the last time there was a fat man in their country, thousands died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72x7ib/why_is_obesity_illegal_in_japan/
%
I know a joke about nitrogen dioxide...

In fact, I NO2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72x6sh/i_know_a_joke_about_nitrogen_dioxide/
%
I love abortion jokes

They really bring out the kid in me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72x51i/i_love_abortion_jokes/
%
School!

Johnny's  teacher asked him "if you had 15 jellybeans and Susie asked you for five , how many would you have left ?"
Johnny replied, "15"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72x4b3/school/
%
Did you hear about the score of the Egypt versus Ethiopia football game?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72x40y/did_you_hear_about_the_score_of_the_egypt_versus/
%
How much lube do you need for anal?

A buttload!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72x3vg/how_much_lube_do_you_need_for_anal/
%
What do you call it when you give an epileptic a rimjob?

A seizure salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72x12c/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_give_an_epileptic_a/
%
I wish I could be fat one day

Being fat every day sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72wwxw/i_wish_i_could_be_fat_one_day/
%
What do you call a janitor in space?

A vacuum cleaner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72wveg/what_do_you_call_a_janitor_in_space/
%
What do you call a drunk Irishman sleeping on your porch?

Paddy O' Furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72wv31/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_irishman_sleeping_on/
%
What do you call a dwarf with esp who escapes from a prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72wt24/what_do_you_call_a_dwarf_with_esp_who_escapes/
%
Why do cannibals cough so much when eating hands?

They get a tickle in their throat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72wszz/why_do_cannibals_cough_so_much_when_eating_hands/
%
What's a Mexican's favourite board game?

Hombre Hombre Hippos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72wp9j/whats_a_mexicans_favourite_board_game/
%
The Muslims first invented the condom

in the year 654 using a goat intestine. Christians expanded on this idea in 1364 by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Thanks Reverse-Flash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72wnjt/the_muslims_first_invented_the_condom/
%
A female officer arrests a drunk.

She warns him, ‘You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.’
The drunk replies, ‘Boobs.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72wmdf/a_female_officer_arrests_a_drunk/
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Why is R the kinkiest letter?

It turns an analogy into an anal orgy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72wfah/why_is_r_the_kinkiest_letter/
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The Pope-mobile

Because nothing says "faith in God" more than 4 inches of bullet-proof glass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72wbeg/the_popemobile/
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A cheerful young noble knocks on a witch's door

and tells her that he's always wanted to become a bear, and that he will reward her handsomely if she transforms him. She accepts, and starts gathering components for her spell. The man follows her around the whole time, explaining how he had read about magic in college, enough to point out his teacher's mistakes, and that he thought that theoretical knowledge was sufficient, since he could pay technicians to do the dirty work anyway.
Once all her ingredients gathered, she sat the young noble on a chair, closed her eyes and concentrated, while performing complex gestures. Watching her intensely, the man commented that she should really see a dermatologist about the wart on her nose, and that he would be happy to recommend one who had in fact cured his aunt's toe wart a few years back, but that might be a bit too expensive for a witch, so never mind.
The witch suddenly opened her eyes, threw her hands up and yelled "I give up!!!"
"But why?" asked the noble, "I really wanted to be turned into a bear..."
"I just can't! " said the witch, "You're unbearable!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72waxt/a_cheerful_young_noble_knocks_on_a_witchs_door/
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If I had $1 for every woman that didn't find me attractive

... I would soon be attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72w6n2/if_i_had_1_for_every_woman_that_didnt_find_me/
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What's a flower plus a t-Rex?

A squished flower!
(An original from my 5 year old)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72w4ej/whats_a_flower_plus_a_trex/
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At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe she is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. She is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72w4a9/at_heathrow_airport_today_an_individual_later/
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I bought some lamb today labelled 'Reared in Wales'

I always thought that was just a racist joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72w24u/i_bought_some_lamb_today_labelled_reared_in_wales/
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The lion invited all the animals to a party he was having...

All was going well and everyone was enjoying themselves. But a few hours later the lion notices that they'll be out of beer soon. He calls the monkey and gives him some money. "I need you to get some more beer for the party. Be quick about it!"
The monkey was enjoying himself far too much to leave the party just yet, so he thought he'd send someone else instead. He finds the centipede and asks if he's willing to get the beer for the party. "Sure, I'll go," said the centipede. So the monkey gives the money to the centipede and runs back to the party.
Two hours pass and the beer is all gone. The lion is furious now. Then he sees the monkey and calls him over. "Where's the beer I sent you to get?!" "Well, I sent the centipede to get the beer." "Then where is he? That was two hours ago!" the lion roars. "I'll go look for him now," said the monkey.
He runs about to find the centipede and finds him sitting on a tree stump. "Where's the beer? I sent you two hours ago to get it!" The centipede looks up at the monkey and with a calm voice he says, "Hang on mate, you'll get your beer. I'm just doing up my last lace now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72w0vj/the_lion_invited_all_the_animals_to_a_party_he/
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49 states don't know about computers.

The last state is Dell-aware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72vzlk/49_states_dont_know_about_computers/
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I tried changing my password to beef stew.

But it wasn't stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72vtd9/i_tried_changing_my_password_to_beef_stew/
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How do you spot a blind man on nude beach

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72vrrg/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_on_nude_beach/
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What's a baker's favorite video game?

Red Bread Ryedemption

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72vrc7/whats_a_bakers_favorite_video_game/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72vq5x/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

her/she

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72vpqa/what_gender_pronouns_does_a_chocolate_bar_use/
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Drinking and driving

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita.  Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.
—

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72vph9/drinking_and_driving/
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How did the doggy scientist get into his secret lair?

Through a Lab-bra-door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72vkkz/how_did_the_doggy_scientist_get_into_his_secret/
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A man and a woman are in a restaurant...

When their food arrives, the man exclaims “Well this looks delicious! Let’s eat”
“But don’t we have to say prayer first?” Says the woman
“Honey, we do that at home. Here the chef knows how to cook”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72vgzl/a_man_and_a_woman_are_in_a_restaurant/
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Why could no one believe in Mike Tyson's new boat?

Because it was unthinkable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72vg9q/why_could_no_one_believe_in_mike_tysons_new_boat/
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My skydiving instructor was really dense.

He left quite an impression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72vazk/my_skydiving_instructor_was_really_dense/
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Me and my girlfriend were arguing

We argued how I don’t know my directions... she right left away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72vaof/me_and_my_girlfriend_were_arguing/
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A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked.

"You need to stop masturbating so much," the optometrist says.
"Why?" asks the man. "Is it going to make me go blind?"
The optometrist looks around and says "no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72v61o/a_man_is_at_the_optometrist_getting_his_eyes/
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Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72v215/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth_while_drinking/
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A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.

“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72v13g/a_threeyear_old_walks_over_to_a_pregnant_lady/
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Irma has been blowing all over the city for a few weeks now.

But enough about your mom, let me tell you about the weather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72uzoo/irma_has_been_blowing_all_over_the_city_for_a_few/
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My Mother-in-law robbed a bank and is on the run from the police

Now she's my Mother-out-law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72uv4q/my_motherinlaw_robbed_a_bank_and_is_on_the_run/
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Studies Show..

The American Government funded a study to learn why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After a year and $180,000 they concluded that the reason was to give the man more pleasure during intercourse.
After that study was published, the French Government decided to do their own study. After €250,000 and 2 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head is larger than the shaft is to give the woman more pleasure during intercourse.
The Irish, unsatisfied with both findings, conducted their own study. After £75.46 and 10 days of research, and many pints of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off & hitting himself in the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72uto7/studies_show/
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I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite christian holiday was...

He said "Have to love Easter, baby!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72urt0/i_asked_arnold_schwarzenegger_what_his_favourite/
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator...
*dry humor is dry*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72uqb4/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
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I hate crabs

They’re literally Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72up9x/i_hate_crabs/
%
Moana decides she wants to visit Maui.

Maui, being a super nice guy, prepares a large feast for her arrival, with plans to treat her like a queen. Moana arrives and sees the massive feast, and she says to Maui, "You've done too much for me. I cannot accept these lavish gifts. Why did you do this?"
Maui responds, "What can I say? Accept your welcome!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72uosh/moana_decides_she_wants_to_visit_maui/
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Why doesn't Taco Bell have a play area?

It's hard to have a good time when you're trying not to shit your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72uo4j/why_doesnt_taco_bell_have_a_play_area/
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I cancelled my gym membership...

Now I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72un4d/i_cancelled_my_gym_membership/
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Presence of mind helps

In a store in US, a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.
The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs
were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.
So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said
"An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him.
So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman
wants to buy the other half".
After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time.
Where do you come from?"
To this the boy said, "I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!"
The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Brazil!!".
To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah?
Which team does she play for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ukf6/presence_of_mind_helps/
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An word play fancy dress party is in full swing [nsfw]

The host walks up to a lady who's completely naked apart from pink ribbon covering her modesty
He says "what have you come as?"
She says " I'm tickled pink, of course"
The host then walks over to a man in a green Lycra suit with the initials N and V on his chest
He says "what have you come as good sir?"
The Lycra clad man says " why, I'm green with envy can't you see? "
Just then there is aloud knock at the door, the host opens it to find paddy and Murphy. Paddy is naked apart from a pot of custard with his cock in and Murphy also naked with his cock inside a pear. The host somewhat perplexed says
"What the hell have you two come as?!?!"
Paddy says " well I'm fucking dis-custard and he's fucking dis-pear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72uiwt/an_word_play_fancy_dress_party_is_in_full_swing/
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Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72uik2/why_do_most_women_pay_more_attention_to_their/
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What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72uicd/whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a_golf/
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Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One says to the other, "lets go in there and get shit faced"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72uhi0/two_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
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I took my son to the space museum last weekend.

They charged us $5.50 to stand in an empty warehouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72uh0l/i_took_my_son_to_the_space_museum_last_weekend/
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So, after beating the crap out of the nerdy kid in my class who always gets things right,

I returned to the front of the classroom and resumed teaching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ufwu/so_after_beating_the_crap_out_of_the_nerdy_kid_in/
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Tom is Shocked to See a Man in His Wife's Bed!

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? And who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I’m St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
What! Are you saying I’m dead? I don’t want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter. You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shitting' all over the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ufrn/tom_is_shocked_to_see_a_man_in_his_wifes_bed/
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I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.

They quickly arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ufkw/i_saw_two_guys_wearing_matching_clothing_and_i/
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4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea!

The fifth guy enjoys it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ufd7/4_out_of_5_people_suffer_from_diarrhea/
%
What do you call a security guard at a Samsung store??

Guardians of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ubzl/what_do_you_call_a_security_guard_at_a_samsung/
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I went on vacation with my girlfriends family - her dad is really religious and said we could not sleep together

Which is a shame cuz he's a really attractive man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72uaq9/i_went_on_vacation_with_my_girlfriends_family_her/
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Putin and the Queen

At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and Russian President Vladimir Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode towards Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, cheek-flapping, eyes-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a most ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Putin and explained, "President Putin, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
Mr. Putin, the legendary Russian, replied, "Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn’t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72uaof/putin_and_the_queen/
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A young engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan he's making landmines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72u9q7/a_young_engineer_has_just_started_his_own/
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What do you call it when an iguana gets too old and can't stand up on its own any more?

A reptile disfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72u8rx/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_iguana_gets_too_old/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72u8lf/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm

His wife is lying in bed reading.
The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72u7ov/a_man_walks_into_his_bedroom_with_a_sheep_under/
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Why did a man tattoo an $100 bill on his penis?

So his wife could blow a hundred bucks without leaving the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72u72p/why_did_a_man_tattoo_an_100_bill_on_his_penis/
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How do you befriend a squirrel?

Just act like a nut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72u6mq/how_do_you_befriend_a_squirrel/
%
So a man walks into a bar with a gun

He yells “Which one one of you twats nailed my wife ?!” as he cocks his gun.
Someone at the end of the bar suddenly says :
“You don’t have enough bullets mate !”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72u4wz/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_gun/
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What do you call a frog that gives permission ?

Permit The Frog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72u32x/what_do_you_call_a_frog_that_gives_permission/
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A man meets a girl in a bar

The man says to the girl "every time you smile it makes me want to take you home"
The girl replies "Your words are beautiful, are you a poet?"
The man replies "No I am a dentist"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72txem/a_man_meets_a_girl_in_a_bar/
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People say "I'm high on life!" like that's safer than drugs

But everyone who's ever done life has died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72tx92/people_say_im_high_on_life_like_thats_safer_than/
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Why was Mary disappointed by Jesus?

He was the only B gotten son. Everybody else got A's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72tl4c/why_was_mary_disappointed_by_jesus/
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r/Reddit would be a very appropriate name for this sub

Because we've reddit all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72tinj/rreddit_would_be_a_very_appropriate_name_for_this/
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Scientist: Let's name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

Scientist 2: Hmm not kinky enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72tinl/scientist_lets_name_this_spider_long_legs_for_its/
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"Where would I be without my mom?"

Probably, wiped off on a tissue and thrown away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72th5x/where_would_i_be_without_my_mom/
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The Windmill, the Coal Plant, and Geothermal Station Formed a Band

The Windmill, the Coal Plant, and Geothermal Station Formed the Band "Earth, Wind, and Fire". Their songs start off slow but eventually build in Energy. They would have been Electric too if it wasn't for their Dam manager always holding them back. He was Resistant to change and couldn't see the Potential in the Current market. That's when a few atoms decided Fuse together and go Nuclear. Earth Wind and Fire couldn't compete with Watt the other band brought so they Discharged their manager and started their own Solar careers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72tf0l/the_windmill_the_coal_plant_and_geothermal/
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Father Sullivan and Rabbi Cohen were sitting on a park bench discussing the differences and similarities of their respective religions.

After some time, a young boy rode by on a bicycle. Father Sullivan leaned over and whispered to Rabbi Cohen, “wow look that kid, I’d really like to screw him.”
To which Rabbi Cohen replied, “what do you mean ‘screw him’? Screw him out of WHAT?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72t9u7/father_sullivan_and_rabbi_cohen_were_sitting_on_a/
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Two windmills were hanging out in a field. One windmill asked the other, “what type of music do you like?”

The other responded, “I’m a huge metal fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72t726/two_windmills_were_hanging_out_in_a_field_one/
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Asexual Reproduction.

I never really understood the appeal of asexual reproduction. But, You do you, I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72t3gm/asexual_reproduction/
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I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".

Some days I just stay at a green light till I’m feeling good about myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72t2i1/i_have_a_bumper_sticker_saying_honk_if_you_think/
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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72su97/a_man_went_to_the_police_station_wishing_to_speak/
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Looking for Office help..

So they put a sign in the window, that read:
HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72stta/looking_for_office_help/
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Dedicated to /u/RogerSimon10 (RIP)

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “OK, I'll serve you, but don't start anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ss71/dedicated_to_urogersimon10_rip/
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Prince Harry and William must feel so awkward in a strip club

Imagine having to put pictures of your gran into a stripper's bra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ss54/prince_harry_and_william_must_feel_so_awkward_in/
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If you think female squirt isn't piss…

Then Urine for a big surprise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72srhd/if_you_think_female_squirt_isnt_piss/
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Women are like bacon.

They look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they slowly kill you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72sreu/women_are_like_bacon/
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How do you fuck a supermassive black hole?

With a big bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72sqiv/how_do_you_fuck_a_supermassive_black_hole/
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Did you hear the joke about the Russian Oligarchs?

Neither did anybody else, because the Secret Service was kept away due to "privacy concerns"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72smvw/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_russian_oligarchs/
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Three doctors are talking about death

The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.”
“Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea, I’d love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…”
The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think scattering of the ashes is my option.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72sm97/three_doctors_are_talking_about_death/
%
A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike..

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.
They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl. When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?”
“No Papa,” replied the girl with a grin, “I managed to hide it when they were searching you.”
“Hide it? where?” asked the guy,” I saw them search you too.”
“I slipped it into my… a… my . . .um…. pee pee place.
”said the girl shyly.
“Damn!” swore the guy,
“If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72sit1/a_middle_aged_guy_and_his_teenage_daughter_were/
%
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

It was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72shx1/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
%
Light travels faster than sound!

That's why some people appear bright until they talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72sgrd/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72sf1c/the_nurse_told_the_parents_of_a_newly_born_child/
%
What do the lady reindeer do while the men are out with Santa on Christmas Eve?

They all head down to the Elks club and blow a few bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72sbs0/what_do_the_lady_reindeer_do_while_the_men_are/
%
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72sa7c/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
%
I went to an underground party dressed as a bird.

I was raven for hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72s51b/i_went_to_an_underground_party_dressed_as_a_bird/
%
I'm not saying I have a big dick

But I can do a three legged race by myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72s4dq/im_not_saying_i_have_a_big_dick/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72s380/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72s22e/paddy_died_in_a_fire_and_was_burnt_pretty_badly/
%
When God lights a cigarette...

It's with a match made in heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72rvcs/when_god_lights_a_cigarette/
%
What is a drunk alien's favourite key?

The space bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72rtk2/what_is_a_drunk_aliens_favourite_key/
%
Jokes are like Apple

The best stuff has already been been done better by someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ro77/jokes_are_like_apple/
%
I had a joke about construction...

But I’m still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72rmi7/i_had_a_joke_about_construction/
%
I just started a pirate themed band with my friends, but we're having trouble writing songs for it

All we seem to be able to write are the hooks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72riqk/i_just_started_a_pirate_themed_band_with_my/
%
You have to put it in perspective.

Otherwise you have perspecve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72r87e/you_have_to_put_it_in_perspective/
%
I just got a new job as an elevator engineer

It has its ups and downs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72r45o/i_just_got_a_new_job_as_an_elevator_engineer/
%
I'm going to start selling fancy toilet spray

I'll call it Chanel No. 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72qyow/im_going_to_start_selling_fancy_toilet_spray/
%
Me as a doctor

Me: So how are you?
Patient: ummmm.. fine
Me: Okay, next patient please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72qyl4/me_as_a_doctor/
%
Why are catholic priests called father?

Because "daddy" would be too suspicious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72qviz/why_are_catholic_priests_called_father/
%
What do you call an LGBT robot?

A *Trans*former

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72quxh/what_do_you_call_an_lgbt_robot/
%
What's 200 feet long and eats potatoes?

Communists waiting in line to buy meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72qqpb/whats_200_feet_long_and_eats_potatoes/
%
In Soviet Russia...

...you die for Jesus's sins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72qpcj/in_soviet_russia/
%
What is the biggest lie in the Universe

I have read and accepted the terms and conditions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72qjwm/what_is_the_biggest_lie_in_the_universe/
%
What do you call an Italian man without arms?

A mute.
Sorry if repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72qh23/what_do_you_call_an_italian_man_without_arms/
%
4 nuns died in a car crash.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and says "The only reason you aren't already inside is that you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty if you have a confession, now's the time."
The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. "I saw a man's penis once and had impure thoughts."
St. Peter replied, "That's okay, just wash your eyes out with holy water, and you may enter."
The second nun stepped forward. "I touched a man's penis once."
"That's okay, Sister," St. Peter replied. "Just wash your hands with holy water, and you may enter."
The fourth nun begins to cut in front of the third, and an all-out brawl breaks out between the two. Habits and hair go flying as St. Peter breaks it up. "Sisters, what has gotten into you two?"
The fourth nun, brushing herself off, says, "I only wanted to rinse my mouth out before she sticks her ass in that water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72qf0t/4_nuns_died_in_a_car_crash/
%
If coconut oil is made with coconuts,

Almond oil is made with almonds,
Groundnut oil is made with groundnuts,
Then I surely know what baby oil is.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72qcy5/if_coconut_oil_is_made_with_coconuts/
%
My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I broke his nose with a coconut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72q9sm/my_friend_told_me_that_onions_are_the_only_food/
%
What kind of toothpaste do priests recommend?

Oral-B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72q7pt/what_kind_of_toothpaste_do_priests_recommend/
%
How do you make Holy Water?

You boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72q5wb/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
What do you call a poor neighborhood in Italy?

A speghetto!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72q5tc/what_do_you_call_a_poor_neighborhood_in_italy/
%
I tried to read a book about Indian bread.

But it just went naan, and naan, and naan, and naan...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72q2hw/i_tried_to_read_a_book_about_indian_bread/
%
What was the last thing that went through Joe's head when he jumped off a 10 story building?

His legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72q21n/what_was_the_last_thing_that_went_through_joes/
%
Halloween at an Elementary school

All the kids had showed up to school wearing costumes, and their teacher decided that she was going to give a special prize to the spookiest costume among the bunch.
Teacher: Why that's a lovely ladybug costume Susie, though it's not the spooky spirit we need here.
Susie: Aww shucks.
Teacher: I love the football player costume Timmy, but I don't see the point in dressing up in your practice uniform, just seems lazy to me.
Timmy: Come on teacher!
Teacher: Oh now that's a classic! Todd I think I might just give you the special prize with your classic white cloth ghost costume.
Todd: With all due respect mam, I'm not actually a ghost.
Teacher: Then what exactly are you?
Todd: Why I'm my grandfather of course!
Teacher: Todd! You know that it's rude to dress up as dead family members!
Todd: No no no my grandfather's alive, this is just one of the costumes he brings to his weekly hangouts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72pzzc/halloween_at_an_elementary_school/
%
Before I Injured my leg girls used to run away from me

Now they just walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72pzww/before_i_injured_my_leg_girls_used_to_run_away/
%
A miserable married guy goes to a pet store.

A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship.
He goes to a pet store.
The salesman says. "I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster."
Guy says, "Nah."
The salesman says, "But it gives great head."
The guy takes it home. His wife screams, "What the hell is that thing?"
He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fuck out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72pzbo/a_miserable_married_guy_goes_to_a_pet_store/
%
What's it called when someone is murdered by a cabbage?

Slaw-der.
I know. It's awful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72pz6g/whats_it_called_when_someone_is_murdered_by_a/
%
Why does Dale Earnhardt hate Trump?

A wall killed his dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72pxxd/why_does_dale_earnhardt_hate_trump/
%
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.

But she wasn't really Inuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72px6m/i_tried_to_take_a_girl_out_to_hunt_seals_for_a/
%
A woman places a personal ad in the papper...

Ad goes as follows...
"Woman seeking man with strong arms to hold me. Must enjoy long walks on the beach, and above all else, is good in bed."
A few days later her door bell rings.  She answers the door to a quadriplegic man in a wheel chair. He says, " I here because of the ad." Which she replies to " Well you have no arms to hold me, and no legs to walk. How are we suppose to make this work?".  Which he replies, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?".
Sorry for formatting, on mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72pvup/a_woman_places_a_personal_ad_in_the_papper/
%
What happens when you push a button

It gets depressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72pv2m/what_happens_when_you_push_a_button/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate her tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72psir/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
Knock, knock..

Who's there?
Yodelaehi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72prx1/knock_knock/
%
My girlfriend got a very cool tattoo on her back

Finally something attractive to look at while having sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72pn0r/my_girlfriend_got_a_very_cool_tattoo_on_her_back/
%
The head nurse asked the Doctor to sign a form.

He pulls out what he thinks is a pen and tries to sign the form.
Doctor ,says the nurse...what are you doing??? that's a rectal thermometer?
Oh shit, he says... some assholes got my pen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72plpq/the_head_nurse_asked_the_doctor_to_sign_a_form/
%
What's the difference between parking in a designated area and parking on the street?

A lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72pho4/whats_the_difference_between_parking_in_a/
%
A joke walks into the bar

He starts aggressively drinking until he starts puking all over the bar.
After the he finally leaves, the bar tending looks around at all the mess and mumbles,
"Man, that was a pretty sick joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72pdx9/a_joke_walks_into_the_bar/
%
So I'm on this new butane diet

I know I just started but I'm already feeling a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72pdvb/so_im_on_this_new_butane_diet/
%
What did the papa pear tree say to his child pear tree who was too afraid to grow his first fruits?

Son? Grow a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72pcsy/what_did_the_papa_pear_tree_say_to_his_child_pear/
%
Wife: I'm going to get a tattoo.

Husband: Where at?
Wife: On my chest, above my boobs.
Husband: You should let him touch one, and tell him "tit for tat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72pced/wife_im_going_to_get_a_tattoo/
%
Pretty woman sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72paxf/pretty_woman_sneezes/
%
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.

We went and had drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72pafa/my_wife_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out_instead_of/
%
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir, we are writing to inform you that you have violated the copyright agreement..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72p3ms/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
I can't believe we have a sex offender registry.

I mean, who's buying gifts for these people?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72oyw1/i_cant_believe_we_have_a_sex_offender_registry/
%
Why cant you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?

They will steal it and it will be on the front page of Reddit tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ovk5/why_cant_you_tell_a_kleptomaniac_a_joke/
%
I saw a list of the top ten jokes on r/Jokes

It was a great joke.  I had to read it ten times, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ovfm/i_saw_a_list_of_the_top_ten_jokes_on_rjokes/
%
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.

He's a small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72op9t/i_buy_my_guns_from_a_trex/
%
My eight year old sister asked me what my unlucky number was

"2009"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72okm3/my_eight_year_old_sister_asked_me_what_my_unlucky/
%
How do you know that the prostate exam is going horribly wrong?

When the doctor places both hands on your shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72okho/how_do_you_know_that_the_prostate_exam_is_going/
%
I just had dinner at a Chinese-German fusion restaurant a couple of hours ago

The food was great but now I'm hungry for power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ofme/i_just_had_dinner_at_a_chinesegerman_fusion/
%
Why does Japan have so many skinny people?

Last time they had a fat man,  they lost a city.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72of2v/why_does_japan_have_so_many_skinny_people/
%
Three women go on a night out...

Three women go on a night out and leave their husbands looking after the kids.
They get incredibly drunk, but decide to call it a night and head home when they can barely stand. One of the women on the walk home says "I really need to go for a piss, come into this graveyard here"....so they go in, and she squats behind a massive gravestone.
She's so drunk she falls backwards and ends up bare assed in the dirt, her friends rush over to pull her up, but fall to their knees laughing!
They eventually all get up and stagger home. Crawling into bed so as to not wake their husbands...they go to sleep.
The next day, the first husband rings the second ranting "I can't believe it, she came home drunk as a skunk with dirty knees, God knows what she's been up to". The second one says "my wife is exactly the same!", they call the third husband who hears their complaints and says "that's fuck all, I found a card in my wife's knickers that said "You will never be forgotten, from all the boys at the fire station"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72oba3/three_women_go_on_a_night_out/
%
Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?

So they can rub their hands through their hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72o94o/why_do_bald_men_have_holes_in_their_pockets/
%
Hitler was the hand sanitizer of world leaders

He tried to kill 99.9%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72o7yv/hitler_was_the_hand_sanitizer_of_world_leaders/
%
Do you know why there are no Wal-Marts in Iraq?

They’re all Targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72o790/do_you_know_why_there_are_no_walmarts_in_iraq/
%
A blind guy rang my door bell...

When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72o6p6/a_blind_guy_rang_my_door_bell/
%
Why did they fire the guy from the Orange Juice Factory?

He couldn’t concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72o5sm/why_did_they_fire_the_guy_from_the_orange_juice/
%
Dyson is planning to release an electric car by 2020...

I bet they'll suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72nz2j/dyson_is_planning_to_release_an_electric_car_by/
%
An old Chinese joke

Mr. Wang was getting ready for the Chinese New Year. He decided to put up some luck paintings on his wall, so he called his son over. He told his son, "It's the New Year, so you have to say auspicious words. So if I put the decorations too high up, say 'Good fortune' and if I put the decorations too low, say 'Good health'". His son agreed and Mr. Wang pasted the painting on the wall. It was in the exact right place, not too high or too low.
At this moment, his son yelled: "Perfect! You don't have good health or good fortune!"
(I tried my best to translate this, but it isn't completely the same.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ny4n/an_old_chinese_joke/
%
Timmy was coming of age

And so his father decided to help him with his "situation".
He gave him some money and said: Okay son! You're going to go at the edge of town and find one of those girls hanging out there, pay her and she will make a man out of you.
Hearing all this through the hallway, Timmy's neighbor pulled him inside her apartment the second he walked out.
She took his money,  undressed him and said :
"Okay Timmy, now just put it in and pull it out...
Put it in aaaannnd pull it out..."
After a while Timmy got mad and said:
"You know what?! I want my money back!  Can't you make up your mind?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72nuwh/timmy_was_coming_of_age/
%
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Hey! Why does it have to be a group activity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72nsor/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom, you still awake?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72nrxo/i_met_an_older_woman_at_a_bar_last_night_she/
%
What do you call a Jew who eats pork

Jew-ish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72nqro/what_do_you_call_a_jew_who_eats_pork/
%
When you are dead you don't know you're dead. All of the pain is felt by others

The same thing happens when you are stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72npvw/when_you_are_dead_you_dont_know_youre_dead_all_of/
%
A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread.

As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes home with 12 loaves of bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72nmjl/a_wife_sends_her_programmer_husband_to_the_store/
%
A clever joke is just like the pussy

I don't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72nlka/a_clever_joke_is_just_like_the_pussy/
%
When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72nk7x/when_you_say_poop_your_mouth_moves_the_same_way/
%
It's kind of awkward to see Reddit comments call chokers a "blackbelt in sucking dick" when a bunch of your daughter's middle school friends wear them.

I mean, c'mon: my daughter's friends are terrible at sucking dick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ner7/its_kind_of_awkward_to_see_reddit_comments_call/
%
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new wife?

Neither has he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ndj0/have_you_seen_stevie_wonders_new_wife/
%
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”

I know he means well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72n3ap/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
%
An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants and raised her legs.
The dentist said: "Excuse me; I 'm not a gynecologist."
"I know," said the old lady "I want you to take my husband's teeth out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72mzoo/an_old_lady_went_to_visit_her_dentist/
%
It took a few years, but...

Tebowing is finally taking over the NFL.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72mxwq/it_took_a_few_years_but/
%
Why is electricity so motivated?

Because they conduit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72mwe6/why_is_electricity_so_motivated/
%
How does the Pope make online purchases?

Using his Papal account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72mq6e/how_does_the_pope_make_online_purchases/
%
College calculus is like a drinking game against a super-heavyweight.

Even if you know your limits, you're dead no matter what.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72mhgi/college_calculus_is_like_a_drinking_game_against/
%
Whats curved and hairy on the outside, wet and juicy on the inside, begins with a C, ends with a T, and has a U and an N in it?

a coconut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72mbji/whats_curved_and_hairy_on_the_outside_wet_and/
%
New studies show that the vast majority of violent crimes are committed by the children of immigrants.

And it's been that way since 1607.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72mb3f/new_studies_show_that_the_vast_majority_of/
%
An Englishman, a Welshman and an Arab met over coffee..

...at a convention.
''I am happily married,'' said the Englishman, ''and have 10 children. One more and I shall have my own football team."
''I am happily married,'' said the Welshman ''and have 14 children. One more and I shall have my own Rugby team."
''I am also happily married,'' said the Arab ''and have 17 wives. One more and I shall have my own Golf course.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72m7l4/an_englishman_a_welshman_and_an_arab_met_over/
%
I lost my watch at a party once...

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72m4t4/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
%
How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?

The blind start reading your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72m2sk/how_can_you_tell_your_acne_is_really_starting_to/
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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.
One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
At that moment, I just had a brilliant idea.
"Don't sweat it, neighbor! I'm on vacation and painting walls is my favorite hobby! It would be a pleasure to do this task."
The guy accepted the offer and was really happy.
I don't want to brag about my conversation skills, but I barely started to paint the apartment and I already had that woman in bed with me.
But, bad luck... We were just starting and I did not expect the husband to forget his documents and that, for that reason, he had to return home at that specific moment.
The woman, listening to her husband opening the door, runs to the bathroom, and the guy enters the room and finds me, naked, at the top of the ladder, giving a few strokes on the wall.
Screaming, he asked,
-"What the fuck is this? ... You started painting in my bedroom, and naked?"
-"Fuck you, I'm working for free, so I start wherever I want!"
-"But naked? ..."
-"You really wanted me to stain my new clothes with paint?"
-"And with a boner, you son of a bitch?"
-"And where am I going to hang the fucking bucket ?! ..."
Btw, english is not my first language, so I'm sorry for any mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72m1nc/my_neighbors_wife_is_better_than_mine/
%
Two elephants see a naked man

One elephant says to the other: “I don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72m1cr/two_elephants_see_a_naked_man/
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An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar

and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.
Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says,
"You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72m0jt/an_obnoxious_drunk_stumbles_into_the_front_door/
%
What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72m04l/whats_the_difference_between_an_iphone_x_and_one/
%
Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72lxx8/why_are_ghosts_so_bad_at_lying/
%
I just became a Dad two months ago and I'm still practicing my Dad jokes, bear with me.

Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72lvip/i_just_became_a_dad_two_months_ago_and_im_still/
%
A man suffering for weeks from terrible nightmares goes to the doctor…

Man: Please doctor, you’ve got to help me with these nightmares!
Doctor: What type of dreams are you having?
Man: Well, I always dream of these awful rats playing football. Seeing them crawl, tackle, squeal night after night—it’s terrible! Do you have a remedy for me?
Doctor: I’ve got the cure for you right here. This pill is so strong, so powerful, you will never have nightmares!
Man: Ok great! Can I take this pill tomorrow night?
Doctor: Yes, but why don’t you want to start today?
Man: Well, it’s just that the championship match is tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ltqf/a_man_suffering_for_weeks_from_terrible/
%
Tom was grounded by his parents

They said he had no potential

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72lsxi/tom_was_grounded_by_his_parents/
%
90% of people surveyed said they masturbate in the shower. The other 10% sing. Do you know what they sing?

I didn't think so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72lo9l/90_of_people_surveyed_said_they_masturbate_in_the/
%
I have a story for you. A guy pours cement all over a plot of land...

and then the plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72lmxa/i_have_a_story_for_you_a_guy_pours_cement_all/
%
A man lost his luggage in an airport , so he sued the airport...

Needless to say, he lost the case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72lk0u/a_man_lost_his_luggage_in_an_airport_so_he_sued/
%
I bought a new sofa. Really comfortable.

So fa, so good.
(Well, at least it's OC :-) )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72lidy/i_bought_a_new_sofa_really_comfortable/
%
My friend always said, "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!"

He plays computer games all day and has never worked a day in his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72lh44/my_friend_always_said_do_something_you_love_and/
%
I joked about how bad our apartment building's foundation was

Even the walls started cracking up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72lf0u/i_joked_about_how_bad_our_apartment_buildings/
%
The national anthem is under attack

And I won’t stand for it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72le5a/the_national_anthem_is_under_attack/
%
What is the Catholic Church’s position on homosexuality?

Only if it’s under 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ldhi/what_is_the_catholic_churchs_position_on/
%
A doctor's appointment

A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.
"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.
"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72lc1d/a_doctors_appointment/
%
Forehead wrinkles.

They're making headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72l22i/forehead_wrinkles/
%
How do you knock out a Buddhist?

You punch him in the temple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72l1zz/how_do_you_knock_out_a_buddhist/
%
A wife asked her husband,

"What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72l13x/a_wife_asked_her_husband/
%
I have an inferiority complex...

But it's not a very good one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72l0zk/i_have_an_inferiority_complex/
%
Why can't we blame all Stingrays for Steve Irwin's death?

Because hating all of them would clearly be an example of Ray-cism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72l0yz/why_cant_we_blame_all_stingrays_for_steve_irwins/
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Brian Sullivan

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72l005/brian_sullivan/
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Felisberto

One day, Felisberto wanted to buy a motorcycle. His choice was the Harley-Davidson. There was a only a problem - the chrome. The seller advised to use Vaseline to protect it whenever it rained. And so it was. Felisberto, whenever he saw rain, he would smear his motorcycle with Vaseline. Thanks to the motorcycle, he met a woman and they started to date. One day, she invites him to have dinner at her house and to meet her parents. And that's what happened. At the time of the meal, the father says - "In this house we have a rule - The first person who speaks after the meal is over, is the person that washes the dishes". Felisberto though that the rule was weird but decided to obey. When the meal was over, he decided to do an experiment to see if anyone would even speak, and starts to shamelessly kiss his girlfriend. They were basically making out in the table and no one said a word. He decided to go further, so he grabed his girlfriend, put her on the table, and BANG, but everbody was still silent. Not happy, he grabs his future mother-in-law and BANG, and nobody said anything. In the meantime, it starts to rain. Felisberto goes to his leather jacket and pulls out the Vaseline package. The father, frightened, looks at the package and swiftly says: "Ok, Ok, I'll wash the dishes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72kves/felisberto/
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How can you tell if an orange is male or female?

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ktg3/how_can_you_tell_if_an_orange_is_male_or_female/
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a drive in the country

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ktfz/a_drive_in_the_country/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72kt8f/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72kp0i/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
%
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72knzw/teacher_kids_what_does_the_chicken_give_you/
%
What do you get when you mix Country and Rap ?

Crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72kna6/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_country_and_rap/
%
Ladies, here's a tip for giving a great hand job.

Use your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72kmt9/ladies_heres_a_tip_for_giving_a_great_hand_job/
%
Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a clearly underaged girl

Watson: "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing with that girl. She looks like she's in middle school!"
Sherlock: "Elementary, my dear Watson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72km6h/watson_walks_in_on_sherlock_having_sex_with_a/
%
Why women make louder peeing sound than men?

Because men got a six inch suppressor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72kd5m/why_women_make_louder_peeing_sound_than_men/
%
The invitations that were sent for the wedding said to bring a date.

Boy, did my bride feel dumb when I brought one and she didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72kbdb/the_invitations_that_were_sent_for_the_wedding/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...................are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72k7lb/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
%
Woman: I need a couple balloons of Eminem for my sons birthday, it's in an hour.

Worker: so you're telling me... I only got one shot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72k5xo/woman_i_need_a_couple_balloons_of_eminem_for_my/
%
I once met a rock

it was nice. Although he kept telling me he was Gneiss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72k521/i_once_met_a_rock/
%
Why is there no clear distinction concerning the morality of altering one's personality through brain surgery?

Because, it's a bit of a grey matter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72k48a/why_is_there_no_clear_distinction_concerning_the/
%
My hot lesbian neighbours got me a Rolex for my birthday

It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72k33e/my_hot_lesbian_neighbours_got_me_a_rolex_for_my/
%
Why didn't the lawyer steal his coffee?

He wanted legal grounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72k0vk/why_didnt_the_lawyer_steal_his_coffee/
%
Wife: "Would you like dinner?"

Husband: "What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes or No"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72k0k3/wife_would_you_like_dinner/
%
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72jxua/yesterday_i_accidentally_sent_a_naked_picture_of/
%
A gay couple named Neal and Bob are traveling on a plane

"What if we had sex?" asks Neal.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Neal stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bob.
So Neal and Bob have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72jxb6/a_gay_couple_named_neal_and_bob_are_traveling_on/
%
What do you call the knight who is also a butcher?

Sir Loin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72jx9v/what_do_you_call_the_knight_who_is_also_a_butcher/
%
My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!"

He did heroin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72jt4d/my_uncle_always_said_do_something_you_love_and/
%
Everybody but Jen in her country died. Why?

Jen aside, everyone was expendable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72jr15/everybody_but_jen_in_her_country_died_why/
%
Two triangles are having difficulty buying an apartment.

It turns out they needed to cosine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72jpcb/two_triangles_are_having_difficulty_buying_an/
%
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72jj3q/a_husband_and_wife_love_to_golf_together_but/
%
Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.
And also that we're outta napkins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72jhm9/sometimes_i_just_sit_run_my_fingers_thru_my_wifes/
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We, men, do have good memory..

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72jg96/we_men_do_have_good_memory/
%
Can February March?

No, but April May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72jf7d/can_february_march/
%
This guy got talking to me when I was standing at the urinal.

"What do you do?" he asked me.
"Not a lot," I replied.
"I'm a music conductor and a porn star," he told me.
I said, "I don't believe you."
Then he waved his stick at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72jf2y/this_guy_got_talking_to_me_when_i_was_standing_at/
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Flat Earthers

It's funny making a flat earth beliver angry, but if you push them over the edge then you're only proving them right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72jdht/flat_earthers/
%
What do you call really old sperm?

A human.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72j94t/what_do_you_call_really_old_sperm/
%
There are more airplanes in the ocean

than submarines in the sky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72j8bs/there_are_more_airplanes_in_the_ocean/
%
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72j71s/guy_doctor_my_girlfriend_is_pregnant_but_we/
%
Lawyer in a train

Once a lawyer was travelling in a train alone.
After sometime, a Beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite berth!
Lawyer was pleasantly Happy!
The lady kept smiling at him!  This made the lawyer happier!
Then she went and sat next to him!
The lawyer was bubbling with Joy!
She then leant towards him and whispered in his ear "Hand over all your valuables, cash, cards, mobile phone to me else I will shout and tell everybody that you are  harassing and misbehaving with me"
The lawyer stared blankly at her!
He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote "I  can not hear or speak. You write on this paper whatever you want to say"
The lady wrote everything what she said earlier and gave it to him!
Lawyer took her note, kept it in his pocket!
He got up and told her in clear tones..."Now shout & scream!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72j5if/lawyer_in_a_train/
%
I asked the librarian if they had the book about Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog...

She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72j3n1/i_asked_the_librarian_if_they_had_the_book_about/
%
There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.
But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.
Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.
Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.
But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.
Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."
Curious, Attila did as he asked.
Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.
"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.
Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.
To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,
"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72j2wz/theres_a_littleknown_legend_about_attila_the_hun/
%
What do you call a cross-dressing whale?

Maybe Dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72iyc1/what_do_you_call_a_crossdressing_whale/
%
Dad Humour

When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar...
I’ll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ixug/dad_humour/
%
I can't eat neutrinos

They go right through me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72iw77/i_cant_eat_neutrinos/
%
How do you congratulate a slice of bread on his wedding day?

Toast him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ir3v/how_do_you_congratulate_a_slice_of_bread_on_his/
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I hate going to aluminium recycling facilities

Its soda-pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ir1w/i_hate_going_to_aluminium_recycling_facilities/
%
Five year old Little Johnny was lost..

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72iqpz/five_year_old_little_johnny_was_lost/
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A fat lady..

A fat lady (To a health expert): "Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness."
Health expert: "Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time."
Fat lady: "At which particular time?"
Health expert: "Whenever anybody asks you to eat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72inoq/a_fat_lady/
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There's only three things that tell the truth in the world

Kids, Alcoholics and yoga pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72imeq/theres_only_three_things_that_tell_the_truth_in/
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Between Coffee and Cocaine…

…it seems like the country of Colombia just wants to wake up the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72iluq/between_coffee_and_cocaine/
%
I feel guilty about this parasite I ingested.

It's been eating me up inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ilqr/i_feel_guilty_about_this_parasite_i_ingested/
%
Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ifxy/why_are_pirates_called_pirates/
%
How do you melt a snowflake?

Take a knee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ifbp/how_do_you_melt_a_snowflake/
%
Why couldnt the guy hold a conversation with the female transgender marine biologist?

They didn't agree on a lot of things, but a big part of it was he didn't speak whale.
Note: In my defense I don't discriminate except by how I know a person.  I have friends on all sides of the NFL hype, sexual rights hype, and abortion debate.  But this joke gets laughs among them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72iduv/why_couldnt_the_guy_hold_a_conversation_with_the/
%
I've been searching for months for my girlfriend's killer...

...but no one will do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72icqd/ive_been_searching_for_months_for_my_girlfriends/
%
I love playing hide-and-seek with my dad!

He’s a good hider though. It’s been 20 years and I still haven’t found him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ibmx/i_love_playing_hideandseek_with_my_dad/
%
I doubt alcohol is the answer

But it's worth a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ib8e/i_doubt_alcohol_is_the_answer/
%
A man walks down the street when he finds a ladder going all the way to the clouds

(Long) The man being a curious fellow decides to climb the ladder to see where it goes. After he makes it past the clouds he sees the most hideous woman sitting naked atop the layer of clouds. The woman calls to him saying "Take me now, or climb the ladder to success". The man thought success sounds better than sleeping with her so he climbed up past the next layer of clouds where he met another naked woman waiting for him. This one slightly more attractive, not a knock out but fairly pretty. She too calls to the man, saying "Take me now, or climb the ladder to success". The man thought about it but can't help but see what might wait for him past the next layer of clouds, so up he went. When he finally passed the third layer he sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen laying naked on the clouds, he almost couldn't believe when she said "Take me now, or climb the ladder to success". He really had to think about this one, but curiosity got the best of him so he climbed up to the fourth layer where the ladder ended, then disappeared. He turned around and infront of him was a big naked hairy dude who said "Hi, I'm Cess".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72i4ya/a_man_walks_down_the_street_when_he_finds_a/
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My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72i4kf/my_wife_gets_upset_when_i_steal_her_kitchen/
%
Two nuns are driving back to the convent after evensong...

When just after sunset a vampire leaps on to the roof.
“Oh my gosh! Sister Mary, whatever will we do now?”, one yells.
“Don’t panic there Sister Luke, just show him your cross”, says the other, calmly.
Sister Luke winds down the window and shouts,
“GET THE FUCK OFF MY CAR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72i0j6/two_nuns_are_driving_back_to_the_convent_after/
%
My boss's motto was always "Underpromise and overdeliver."

For some reason, his shipping company never took off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72hy4m/my_bosss_motto_was_always_underpromise_and/
%
"Mommy, mommy! Little Johnny pulled out his thingy and showed it to me in the tree house!"

Sally's mother gasped, but didn't want to embarrass her. "Well, what did you think?" she asked.
"It reminded me of a peanut."
"You mean it was small?" her mother chuckled.
"No!" said Sally. "It was salty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72hr26/mommy_mommy_little_johnny_pulled_out_his_thingy/
%
At first my girlfriend and I didn't have anything in common

Then she fucked my uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72hr0y/at_first_my_girlfriend_and_i_didnt_have_anything/
%
I slept for 8 hours straight

and then 2 hours gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72hqiv/i_slept_for_8_hours_straight/
%
If you ever feel down in life...

Just remember that you have just as many Tour de France medals as Lance Armstrong, and twice the balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72hpyx/if_you_ever_feel_down_in_life/
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Master Akira

A confused japanese student asks his master:
- Master Akira, why does all japanese people look alike?
And his master answered :
- I am not Master Akira.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72hodm/master_akira/
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(Offensive) You know why americans lose every game of chess?

Because they start with two towers missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72hobf/offensive_you_know_why_americans_lose_every_game/
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Why didn't the president of India do anything about the bread shortage?

It was a naan-issue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72hkse/why_didnt_the_president_of_india_do_anything/
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Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm

Because he has followers, not friends.
Courtesy of my 10 year old  son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72hi80/why_does_voldemort_use_twitter_and_not_facebookm/
%
I've determined that saying big words always will make you sound smart

Totally photosynthesis right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72hcqq/ive_determined_that_saying_big_words_always_will/
%
There is a country whose main export is spiders...

They have a gross domestic product.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72h5g3/there_is_a_country_whose_main_export_is_spiders/
%
2 mummies shared a fart

They had a toot in common

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72h2uz/2_mummies_shared_a_fart/
%
Know why geese kill more humans every year than sharks?

Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks.
Seriously though, fuck geese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72h09c/know_why_geese_kill_more_humans_every_year_than/
%
I got banned from laser tag today....

I guess they didn't like it when i used a knife to save ammo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72gz4j/i_got_banned_from_laser_tag_today/
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A mother and her daughter

are out driving when, out of nowhere, a giant dildo smacks against the windshield.
"What was that?" asked the daughter.
"Oh... It was a fly." The mother answered embarrased.
"Oh my god!" The Daughter said, amazed. "That fly had a HUGE dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72gk96/a_mother_and_her_daughter/
%
The reason my last relationship didn't work out is because she was a gemini...

and I don't believe in bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72g7gu/the_reason_my_last_relationship_didnt_work_out_is/
%
Why does a window hurt more than a table?

The window is double pane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72fw3t/why_does_a_window_hurt_more_than_a_table/
%
I feel like I have bad posture...

But it's just a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72fva7/i_feel_like_i_have_bad_posture/
%
What do you call a person who kneels after the President makes inappropriate comments?

Monica Lewinsky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72fu9o/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_kneels_after_the/
%
Guy and Wife beach

Guy and his wife are on the beach. The guy kicks the sand and out pops a magic lamp. The wife grabs it and rubs it. A genie pops out and says to the women she gets 3 wishes.
So she looks at her husband and thinks of wishes for him.
"I wish I had a billion dollars"
The genie snaps his fingers and she has expensive jewlery and cars and feels her purse get bigger filled with cash.
She takes a look around and thinks she needs a place to stay with all this money.
"I wish I had the biggest mansion in Miami"
Genie snaps his fingers and she appears in a huge estate looking over all of Miami beach.. best view you can get.
She thinks she wished everything that her and her husban can possibly wish for so for her 3rd wish she thought about splurging it on herself.
"I wish everytime i tell my husband to give me a leg massage he does it.. and he gives me the best one there is"
Husband begins to get mad but in the process she asks for a leg rub and he begins to do it. Finally when she says she has had enough he jumps on the lamp, rubs it and the genie pops out.
"I wish that cotton candy doesnt exist"
Genie snaps his fingers and his wife starts to laugh.
The wife says
"What a dumb wish I am leaving"
The man says
"I wish my wife craved cotton candy more then anything in the world"
The wife who was on her way to leave immediatly turns around and starts strangling her husband.
"Oh my God I am craving cotton candy so much right now.. I don't know whats gotten into me but please wish for it back or Ill kill ya please please"
The man tells her
"hold on relax.. let go let go I still have one more wish... I wish my dick tasted like cotton candy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72fstu/guy_and_wife_beach/
%
What is the difference between an Afghan terror camp and an Afghan nursery?

No idea, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72fs2e/what_is_the_difference_between_an_afghan_terror/
%
My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer.

All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72fp1n/my_friend_has_been_a_limo_driver_for_20_years_and/
%
What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?

"Hey y'all... Watch this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72fmi6/whats_the_last_thing_you_usually_hear_before_a/
%
How do you cut Rome in half?

Use a pair of Ceasers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72fjdz/how_do_you_cut_rome_in_half/
%
What do you call a hooker with a car?

A screwdriver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72fibw/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_car/
%
This morning I mixed Red Bull with my coffee

. I was more than half way to work before I realized that I forgot my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ffc2/this_morning_i_mixed_red_bull_with_my_coffee/
%
I went to a brothel and met a prostitute

I asked her what are the prices?
She said:
£20 for a hand job
£50 for a blow job
£80 for sex
And for £120, i'll do anything!
Anything hmmm....
She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.
You can ge some real bargains if you shop around!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72fevl/i_went_to_a_brothel_and_met_a_prostitute/
%
Russian Roulette

The foreign minister of a small African state had opportunity to visit Russia for the very first time. There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer.
On his last day, the Russian foreign minister took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver. "My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia, something called Russian roulette. It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinders, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger. Only one of the six chambers is loaded."
The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief when all he heard was 'click', but no shot.
Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.
Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister¹s country. The African, remembering keenly the Russian roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful, naked young women.
"To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes. This is something I call 'African roulette'. You may pick any one of them and they will give you a blowjob."
The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, "But where is the risk? To be called roulette there must be some form of risk involved."
The African smiles broadly. "One of the six is a cannibal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72fdf8/russian_roulette/
%
What's a nazi eat for breakfast?

Luftwaffles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72fas2/whats_a_nazi_eat_for_breakfast/
%
I just found my old Nokia and connected it with my power bank.

The power bank is now fully charged again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72f9kq/i_just_found_my_old_nokia_and_connected_it_with/
%
Whenever I get overwhelmed at work, I remind my boss that I only have two hands and one dick...

...I can only fuck up one thing at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72f8ue/whenever_i_get_overwhelmed_at_work_i_remind_my/
%
The teacher was trying to avoid calling on Dirty Johnny, the most foul mouthed kid in third grade.

She asked Cindy to name a three syllable word and use it in a sentence, while Dirty Johnny waved his hand frantically.
"Beautiful.  My teacher is beautiful" said Cindy.
"That's correct, and very sweet of you" the teacher replied.  Johnny was still waving his hand, but the teacher called on Derek.
"Wonderful.  I have a wonderful teacher."
"Thank you Derek!  Your answer is also correct."
Now only Dirty Johnny has his hand up.  The teacher sighs and calls on him.
"Urinate!" Dirty Johnny exclaims.
The teacher is surprised.  This isn't as bad as she expected...
"Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72f83k/the_teacher_was_trying_to_avoid_calling_on_dirty/
%
The Apple iPhone 8, Samsung Galaxy S8, Snapchat Spectacles, and the Amazon Echo Show all came out in 2017. Who won the year?

The NSA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72f6ec/the_apple_iphone_8_samsung_galaxy_s8_snapchat/
%
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick,

Especially since his name is Steve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72f5hv/my_boss_hates_it_when_i_shorten_his_name_to_dick/
%
Phones are getting thinner and smarter

People are getting fatter and dumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72f0pt/phones_are_getting_thinner_and_smarter/
%
My redhead friend named Albert drinks Canada Dry every day

I call him Ginger Al

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ezxv/my_redhead_friend_named_albert_drinks_canada_dry/
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A canyon was knighted for its exceptional contribution to satire

From then on, the canyon was referred to as Sir Chasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ey5k/a_canyon_was_knighted_for_its_exceptional/
%
Two little kids are in hospital beds next to each other.

The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?
The second kid says, I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.
The first kid says,You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It’s a breeze.
Cool, says the second kid.What are you in here for?
A circumcision.
Whoa! exclaims the second kid. Good luck, mate. I had that done just after I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ewxv/two_little_kids_are_in_hospital_beds_next_to_each/
%
My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72evkt/my_girlfriend_and_i_went_on_our_9th_date_to_see/
%
A boy and his grandpa were sitting on the porch...

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72esse/a_boy_and_his_grandpa_were_sitting_on_the_porch/
%
What do Dora the Explorer and Internet Explorer have in common?

They both take 20 minutes to perform a simple task.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72eq5b/what_do_dora_the_explorer_and_internet_explorer/
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Who's the most beautiful girl in the world who never managed to have children?

Miss Carriage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72epn0/whos_the_most_beautiful_girl_in_the_world_who/
%
My personal trainer was giving me advice.

He said, "You have to have a life outside the gym."
I was so offended that I walked out with my sleeping bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72enh3/my_personal_trainer_was_giving_me_advice/
%
At a funeral

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears throat* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72enfh/at_a_funeral/
%
Standards are good

Double standards are twice as good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72em16/standards_are_good/
%
My wife says I'm not committed enough.

But I flew 9,256 miles just to be away from her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ek4a/my_wife_says_im_not_committed_enough/
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:

"Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ek3x/a_man_inserted_an_ad_in_the_classifieds/
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Today I decided to donate blood...

After the procedure I asked the nurse what my blood type was out of curiosity. She told me I was type A so I thanked her and left. As I was walking out the door she came sprinting after me and said “ Wait, I told you the wrong blood type on accident, it was a type O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ehg3/today_i_decided_to_donate_blood/
%
I like my women how I like my calculus:

With limits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72eh9u/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_calculus/
%
Netherland police found a little hole in the wall of women's changing rooms

Policemen are looking into it now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72egqy/netherland_police_found_a_little_hole_in_the_wall/
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Dad potty trains his son.

"Son, if you want to pee like a big boy, then you need to follow these steps:
Step 1: unzip.
Step 2: pull it out.
Step 3: pull the skin back.
Step 4: pee.
Step 5: pull the skin forward.
Step 6: put it back in your pants.
Step 7: zip up"
Some time later, the boy went to the bathroom. Dad stood outside the door and listened. He could hear the boy counting out the steps: "one.... two.... three...." and so on.
The next day, the boy needed to pee and the dad listened by the door. Once again he could hear the boy counting and going through all the steps successfully "one... two... three..."
On the 3rd day, the boy went to the bathroom. The dad figured his son knew what he was doing, so he didn't listen by the door. 10 minutes later, the boy had still not come out of the bathroom yet. Worried, the dad goes to listen by the door again and hears the boy rapidly saying:
"Three five! Three five! Three five! Three five! Three five! Three five! Three five! Three five!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72easv/dad_potty_trains_his_son/
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Did you hear about the lady who fell in love with a ginger ale salesman? [original!]

She was Schwepped off her feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72eal4/did_you_hear_about_the_lady_who_fell_in_love_with/
%
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office...

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing absolutely nothing but a pair of shorts made out of saran wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're (your) nuts!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72eaeq/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office/
%
I finally watched that movie about the Psycho clown that destroyed the lives of innocent children.

Halfway into it I realised it was just a string of old McDonald's Ads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72e6co/i_finally_watched_that_movie_about_the_psycho/
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Indian police.

[Please excuse my bad english, I'm still an amateur]
An american man with a briefcase full of illegal drugs was walking through an busy crowd somewhere in Mumbai.
"Sweet! Imma sell this for thousands of dollars"
As he made his way through the crowd, he heard someone screaming, he turned around finding an Indian police officer running towards him. Really scared, the man dashed off deeper into crowd.
"I've heard all about these Indian police officers, they're incompetent and have no fitness, out running him will be a piece of cake."
He kept running, dodging people for a good 12 minutes and the police officer was still chasing him, it contradicted everything he had thought before, maybe Indian police isn't as bad as he thinks. The police officer kept chasing, the man went through all sorts of narrow places, climbing buildings, running of the roofs, hiding in empty flats and warehouses. The police officer was still after him.
After running for a while, he comes across a bridge with a ladder leading downwards, he climbed down the ladder and hid beneath the bridge, praying the police officer would just give up and leave. And boy was he wrong, the police officer jumped from on top of the bridge landing in front of him, startled, the man quickly drops his briefcase, and starts begging the police officer to not arrest him.
The police says, panting really hard.
"Whew, you finally stopped running, how much you selling it for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72e65v/indian_police/
%
Do you know the difference between a potty and a coffe pot?

No? Don't you ever invite me for coffee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72e4o1/do_you_know_the_difference_between_a_potty_and_a/
%
Little Peter was on his classroom

his the teacher asks, if I have five birds on a branch and I throw a stone to one of them, how many I have left ...
None teacher ... ..
Why not Peter? ....
no teacher because the others fly away from the fright ....
That's wrong Peter but I like your way of thinking ......
The next day Peter goes to his teacher and ask her, now I am going to ask a question, if you see two women eating an ice cream and one of them is sucking and the other is biting, which one who is married ???? ....
After a little thought the teacher says a little confused, I guess the one who is sucking ...
No teacher, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72e3uu/little_peter_was_on_his_classroom/
%
A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72e21v/a_woman_gets_up_in_the_morning/
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A woman calls the police on a naked man who stands in full view of her highrise window

A thread on r/ relationships today reminded me of this old joke:
A woman who lives in a high-rise calls the police because there is a man in a building across from hers who stands stark naked in front of his window for long periods every day.
A policeman comes out to corroborate her complaint. He says, "Show me where you're talking about- I don't see it."
The woman says, "It's the building behind the one right in front of mine.  Just go to the corner living room window and look down and sideways. He stands for *hours*! It's disgusting!"
The policeman goes to the corner living room window, shoves the furniture aside, and looks down as instructed and says, "I still don't see anything."
And the woman says, "The chair, you idiot! Stand on the chair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72e1wz/a_woman_calls_the_police_on_a_naked_man_who/
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What's the difference between a funny Dutch man and a tube?

one is a hollow cylinder while the other is a silly hollander.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72e1wg/whats_the_difference_between_a_funny_dutch_man/
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A father and his 6-year-old son are walking ..

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.
The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72dsgy/a_father_and_his_6yearold_son_are_walking/
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Learning new curse words

Little Sally and Jonnie were getting ready for bed one night when Jonnie asked Sally, “hey, did you learn any new curse words today?”  Sally replies, “yes, I sure did! Ass!”
Jonnie says “oh that’s so cool! I learned a new one too... Damn!”
“That’s so cool!” Says Sally. Let’s use them at breakfast tomorrow morning. “Ok” Jonnie replied.
The next day at breakfast Jonnie and Sally’s Mom asked Jonnie “good morning son, what would you like for breakfast?” Jonnie looked his mother dead in the eye and said “some of those damn Cheerios!”
She backhanded little Jonnie so hard he fell out of his seat, staggered to the wall and fell down to the floor screaming in tears.
The mother turned around. “Now Sally, what would you like for breakfast?”
“I don’t know but you bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72dn8x/learning_new_curse_words/
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A father gets a phone call from his son's teacher

A father is at work when he gets a call from his son's teacher.
"Hello Mr. Johnson, I was in the middle of a lecture today when your son just got up and left the room without a word. I'm very worried about him, is he alright?"
The father just laughed and said "oh you have nothing to worry about, Billy has been sleepwalking since he was 5 years old!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72dl5f/a_father_gets_a_phone_call_from_his_sons_teacher/
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I just bought an IPhone X

It still hurts where my kidney used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72dkrr/i_just_bought_an_iphone_x/
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What do you call guys under 6 ft?

Dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72dij2/what_do_you_call_guys_under_6_ft/
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Algebra was always easy for the Romans...

x was always 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72dgrw/algebra_was_always_easy_for_the_romans/
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I wrote a song about Ghandi

It is called "Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72dbj0/i_wrote_a_song_about_ghandi/
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What is the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry when I chop an Onion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72dbgv/what_is_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_an_onion/
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A vegan walks into a bar

I only know because he/she told everyone within two minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72d8u8/a_vegan_walks_into_a_bar/
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The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be 100% down with that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72d6te/the_doctor_asked_me_how_id_feel_about_having_an/
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An unfortunate business idea

I once started a restaurant inside an airplane that was no longer functional. Sadly, it never took off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72d64z/an_unfortunate_business_idea/
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What do you call a gay Irish couple?

John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72d4jq/what_do_you_call_a_gay_irish_couple/
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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72d3pg/my_wife_accused_me_of_hating_her_family_and/
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I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72d3j1/i_found_a_cure_for_my_wifes_insomnia/
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Free Sex

So this girl came up to me and she said she would have sex with me and all I had to do was advertise some cleaner, but I didn't, because my will is strong, just as strong as Lysol cleaner with bleach. Perfect for killing bacteria in the kitchen, bathroom, and all over the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72czmz/free_sex/
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I was thinking of getting a brain transplant

I changed my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72cyk5/i_was_thinking_of_getting_a_brain_transplant/
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The whole town is in trouble!! A joke, old yet good..

A boy called up his mom from hospital, “Mom, I took tests and they declared that I have AIDS.”
Mom, “What? Don’t come back home son, go away.”
Boy “Why mom, I’m your son.”
Mom, “You foolish boy! If you come back home, then your wife will be infected, from your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister, from my sister to her husband, from her husband to me, from me to our gardener, from our gardener to your sister…
And if your sister got it, then the whole town is in trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72cxi8/the_whole_town_is_in_trouble_a_joke_old_yet_good/
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Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.

Average Joke, Only three stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72cug3/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
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One man proposed that Geico switch their mascot to a kitten.

"Now, with only 15 minutes, you can save 15 purr-cent on cat insurance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72csa0/one_man_proposed_that_geico_switch_their_mascot/
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I always stick up for feminists.

Their anger arouses me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72cqhc/i_always_stick_up_for_feminists/
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A British couple decided to adopt a German baby.

They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless. Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Strudle, and said "It is a little tepid."
His parents, of course shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied: "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72casp/a_british_couple_decided_to_adopt_a_german_baby/
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A man goes to the store to get some dog food.

He grabs a bag and heads to the the counter. The clerk apologizes, and informs him that he needs to have his dog with him to be able to purchase it.
"You mean I have to go all the way back home and get my dirty ass dog in my truck, and bring him all the way back here just to get some dog food?"
Again, the clerk apologizes and tells him that's just the policy. So, he goes and gets his dog then purchases the dog food.
A few days later, he comes back to get cat food. The clerk informs him they have the same policy for cats.
"Dammit, my barn cat hates people, do I really have to go back home and and get my face and hands all scratched up trying to catch him just so I can get some cat food?"
The clerk again apologies, and says he going to have to do that.
The next day the same man shows up to the store with a bag and puts it on the counter. The clerk asks what it is, and the man tells him to reach in and find out. The clerk puts his hand in, then quickly pulls it back out.
"AGH! IS THAT SHIT IN THE BAG?"
"Yes it is, I would like 6 rolls of toilet paper please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72c9lh/a_man_goes_to_the_store_to_get_some_dog_food/
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Parallel lines have so much in common

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72c8en/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
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The best part of having a bad memory...

is that your conscience is clear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72c3vq/the_best_part_of_having_a_bad_memory/
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What do you call a threesome in an oasis?

A Mirage à trois.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72c1mi/what_do_you_call_a_threesome_in_an_oasis/
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I'd like to give a big shoutout to all the sidewalks

For keeping me off the streets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72c1gf/id_like_to_give_a_big_shoutout_to_all_the/
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Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72c0dd/johnny_where_in_the_heck_do_you_get_seven_from/
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The Ice Cream Truck pulls away from Acacia Drive, having served the happiest bunch of kids all day...

...the driver whistles a gay tune, the sun is shining, the traffic is good, there’s but a solitary car at the red light ahead.
Suddenly, there’s a banging on the side of the truck. Startled, he pulls away, thinking its a jacking.  His heart racing he makes it to the next set of lights. He turns on the radio and “Welcome To The Jungle” is playing, so he turns it up loud and starts singing, adrenaline coursing through his veins.  He lets out a relieving bellow of laughter. Just before the lights change, the banging on the side happens again. He jumps up, wishing he’d carried today. He breathes in and raises the shutter, ready for whatever is awaiting him.
Before him, a young woman is panting, hands on her knees, struggling for breath, sweat pouring off her brow. She’d clearly been running, strenuously.
“Well, wtf do you want, lady?”, Giovanni says.
“I’m...I’m...”, she gasps.
“You’re what?!”, he says, impatient and angry.
“...I’m vegan!”, she says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72bxbc/the_ice_cream_truck_pulls_away_from_acacia_drive/
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Weed ain't a drug, its a plant.

Therefore I'm not a drug dealer, I'm a florist﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72bti0/weed_aint_a_drug_its_a_plant/
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I accidentally slept with my third cousin.

The first two were better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72bsok/i_accidentally_slept_with_my_third_cousin/
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Did you hear about the little person who got stuck in a blender?

He was a midget spinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72bsdk/did_you_hear_about_the_little_person_who_got/
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How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?

Depends on how thin you slice them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72bscw/how_many_lawyers_does_it_take_to_shingle_a_roof/
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How to trap your least favorite politician.

1) Dig a deep hole.
2) Sprinkle ash all around the edge of the hole.
3) When he/she shows up, kick him/her in the ash hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72brge/how_to_trap_your_least_favorite_politician/
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I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm...

I think I might be artistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72br15/im_bad_at_reading_social_cues_cant_make_eye/
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

Because they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72box1/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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Do you know how I know that I'm ugly?

The guy who was mugging me took off his mask and made me wear it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72bosw/do_you_know_how_i_know_that_im_ugly/
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This dude went to Maccas and saw a lady wearing a burqa....

Went to Macca's & the girl serving was wearing a burqa. I noticed it was quite dirty and tattered and a bit smelly. It actually put me off so we walked out and went across the road to Hungry Jack's. Here was another girl wearing a burqa. I was happy to see that it was clean and it actually was nicely decorated with beads and sequins. That's when I realised - the Burqas are Better at Hungry Jack's....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72bkt1/this_dude_went_to_maccas_and_saw_a_lady_wearing_a/
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Me : Hi, do you take walk-ins?

Morgue : What?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72bkcu/me_hi_do_you_take_walkins/
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What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

An etymologist know the difference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72bjtc/whats_the_difference_between_an_etymologist_and/
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Little Johnny's father farted.

The son asked his father: "What was that?"
His father said: "My sweet that is 'north wind'"
When he went to school the teacher asked the class: "Who knows the direction of the north wind?
Little Johnny shouted: "My daddy's ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72bjaa/little_johnnys_father_farted/
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I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...

"How would you like your steak, sir?"  "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72be78/i_went_out_for_a_nice_meal_one_day_when_the/
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A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
"It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks.
"Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72bcj1/a_mom_is_driving_a_little_girl_to_her_friends/
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What's the difference between a normal cat and a man from West Africa?

One has nine lives and the other has nine wives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72bb6f/whats_the_difference_between_a_normal_cat_and_a/
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What's the difference between an African and an Indian Elephant

One of them is an elephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72bakq/whats_the_difference_between_an_african_and_an/
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What do you get if you drop a piano on a child?

A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72b6d8/what_do_you_get_if_you_drop_a_piano_on_a_child/
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I have Abs

olutely wasted my gym membership.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72b3ie/i_have_abs/
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My last girlfriend said I'm great in bed.

I can sleep for days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72b25u/my_last_girlfriend_said_im_great_in_bed/
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Why can't orphans play baseball

They would not know where home is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72b0hj/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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I rang a local escort agency and asked for a BJ....

She put me through to their head office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ay8t/i_rang_a_local_escort_agency_and_asked_for_a_bj/
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Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72axj0/scientists_finally_found_out_how_much_sleep/
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"I'll take two of them..."

A blonde walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only". "I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place." "That's OK, " says the blonde. "I'll take two of them..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ax0t/ill_take_two_of_them/
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Nice Pussy

A man picks up a prostitute and is headed for the motel. She just cannot stop talking about how awesome her pussy is. They get to the motel room and undress. The prostitute tells him to stick a finger in. He does. She tells him to stick two fingers in. He does. Four fingers. He does. His hand. He does. She tells him to stick his other hand in. He does. Then she says, "Now, clap." He tries and tries, but cannot clap. She says, "Tight, isn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72asfh/nice_pussy/
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What do you call a person who is unable to tell the difference between a ladle and a spoon?

Fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72arl0/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_is_unable_to_tell/
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Shut up...you're next!

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72an8l/shut_upyoure_next/
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What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent, featuring nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72alyi/what_concert_costs_45_cents/
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A kingdom is headed by a king...

So what is a country run by?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72altg/a_kingdom_is_headed_by_a_king/
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Do you know what the best part of dementia is?

Every day, you get to meet someone new.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72aiz4/do_you_know_what_the_best_part_of_dementia_is/
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What do you get if you eat onions and refried beans?

Tear Gas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72aikw/what_do_you_get_if_you_eat_onions_and_refried/
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My wife left me because I’m too insecure

No wait, she’s back
She just went to make a cup of tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ae97/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72ab8n/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
I wish i could go back to how it was in the mid 90s

Back when my president didn't mind people getting on their knees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72a8qb/i_wish_i_could_go_back_to_how_it_was_in_the_mid/
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Women are a lot like cats

You wanna bring that pussy home, but more often than not, it already belongs to someone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72a6rn/women_are_a_lot_like_cats/
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I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.

They quickly arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72a4h3/i_saw_two_guys_wearing_matching_clothing_and_i/
%
You know what's odd?

Any integer not wholly divisible by 2!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72a3hj/you_know_whats_odd/
%
They found the biggest hypochondriac yet…

… he overdosed on placebos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72a39g/they_found_the_biggest_hypochondriac_yet/
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What kind of substance tells the male body that he's horny?

Whore moans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72a1zf/what_kind_of_substance_tells_the_male_body_that/
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So Little Johnny's teacher ...

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/729ynv/so_little_johnnys_teacher/
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Why is a cheeseburger better than eternal happiness?

1. Nothing is better than eternal happiness.
2. A cheeseburger is better than nothing.
QED

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/729vvp/why_is_a_cheeseburger_better_than_eternal/
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I like my kids like I like my coffee

Grounded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/729rp5/i_like_my_kids_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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I'm free! I'm free!

A prisoner is finally released, after many years in jail. He stands at the pavement, yelling, "I'm free! I'm free!" - A little kid walks up to him happily and joins, “I’m four! I’m four!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/729qev/im_free_im_free/
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What do you call Muslims mating?

Fucking terrorists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/729crk/what_do_you_call_muslims_mating/
%
Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/729afs/sometimes_i_wonder_how_vegans_survive_off_of_what/
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I just lost my thesaurus.

Not only am I mad, but I'm also mad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7299nr/i_just_lost_my_thesaurus/
%
Rick Astley will let your borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one...

... he's never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7298lt/rick_astley_will_let_your_borrow_any_movie_from/
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What is the number one thing white people cook better than any other race?

Meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7298l4/what_is_the_number_one_thing_white_people_cook/
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Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?

Poetry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7297f1/edgar_allen_poe_is_about_to_walk_into_a_tree_and/
%
I'm jealous of the people who first invested in elevators

They really got in on the ground floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7295e7/im_jealous_of_the_people_who_first_invested_in/
%
Why can't cows wear flip-flops?

Because they lac-tose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/728wje/why_cant_cows_wear_flipflops/
%
If the United States is serious about stopping Kim Jong Un

Just send in Cam Newton - he'll overthrow Kim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/728v07/if_the_united_states_is_serious_about_stopping/
%
What's worse than a fat guy with a ridiculous haircut who's brainwashed his supporters into viewing him as a god whilst having his finger on the button for nuclear warfare?...

Two fat guys with ridiculous haircuts who've brainwashed their supporters into viewing them as gods whilst having their fingers on the buttons for nuclear warfare!
[Scariest of all is that it’s true :( ]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/728s06/whats_worse_than_a_fat_guy_with_a_ridiculous/
%
I was watching a video of some entry level iron workers.

It's riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/728oti/i_was_watching_a_video_of_some_entry_level_iron/
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What do you call a conglomerate of shrubbery that rules over an area?

A hedge-emony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/728os2/what_do_you_call_a_conglomerate_of_shrubbery_that/
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It would have been weird if they made prosthetic boobs way back when

Wooden tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/728nnc/it_would_have_been_weird_if_they_made_prosthetic/
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How can you tell if an ant is male or female?

They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/728m8m/how_can_you_tell_if_an_ant_is_male_or_female/
%
Whenever anybody says they are trying to find a needle in a haystack, I cant help but wonder...

...who was shooting up in the barn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/728l44/whenever_anybody_says_they_are_trying_to_find_a/
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A man walks into a convenience store

and he asks the clerk, “do you have any helicopter flavored chips?” The clerk responds, “no, we just have plain.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/728jk4/a_man_walks_into_a_convenience_store/
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I ran out of kleenex

So I have been masturbating into dollar bills.
I guess you could say my financial situation is a little sticky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/728h1n/i_ran_out_of_kleenex/
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What did President Trump say to the nuclear weapon?

You're fired!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/728gn8/what_did_president_trump_say_to_the_nuclear_weapon/
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Yo Mama So Ugly...

Bill Cosby needed to drug himself to fuck her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/728fl4/yo_mama_so_ugly/
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Im so good at guitar,

That my neighbours decided to throw a brick at my window so that they could hear me better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7287gc/im_so_good_at_guitar/
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A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships

Apparently, "In HD" wasn't the answer she wanted to hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72868s/a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
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Where do you send someone with ADHD for summer?

A concentration camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72819r/where_do_you_send_someone_with_adhd_for_summer/
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I hate when I have diarrhea...

Because not even my shit, has its shit together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/727zri/i_hate_when_i_have_diarrhea/
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A guy is hungry and is looking for something to eat.

He approaches a hot dog stand and asks, 'how much is a hot dog?'
'$3 for one and 3 for $10', replied the hotdog vendor
Surprised by this rate, he ponders a bit and says, 'In that case, I'll have one' and pays $3. Then he proceeds to order another one and pays $3 and then another one till he has three hot dogs and quips, 'You see, people like you will never succeed in any business. I just bought 3 hotdogs for $9'.
'Yeah, but... I just sold 3 hotdogs!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/727yae/a_guy_is_hungry_and_is_looking_for_something_to/
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[LONG] An old man...

An old man is sitting on the porch one day when a little boy comes by carrying some tape.
Old man says: "Boy what you got there?"
Boy: "I got me some duck tape,  sir. "
Old man: "What you gonna do with that 'duck tape'?"
Boy: "I'm gonna catch me some ducks!"
Old man says: " Boy, don't you know you can't catch no ducks with no 'duck tape '? Get the hell on out of here. "
The boy leaves and comes back that afternoon with ten ducks in a row following him home. Old man thinks to himself: "Son a bitch, will you look at that..."
The next day the  boy comes by carrying some wire.
Old man says: "Boy what you got there?"
Boy: "I got me some chicken wire,  sir. "
Old man: "What you gonna do with that chicken wire?"
Boy: "I'm gonna catch me some chickens!"
Old man says: " Boy, don't you know you can't catch no chickens with no chicken wire? Get the hell on out of here. "
The boy leaves and comes back that afternoon with TWENTY chickens in a row following him home. Old man thinks: "Son a bitch..."
The third day the  boy comes by carrying some flowers.
Old man says: "Boy what you got there?"
Boy: "I got me some pussy willows,  sir. "
Old man says: "Hold on, let me go get my hat!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/727yac/long_an_old_man/
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I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire

Spoiler alert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/727x3n/i_once_set_an_alarm_to_tell_me_when_my_milk_would/
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Have you heard of the new restaurant on the moon?

It has great food, but no atmosphere..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/727oyi/have_you_heard_of_the_new_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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A pregnant woman is about to give birth.

The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.
Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.
Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”.
The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”.
With that, the baby pops right back inside.
“Damn!”, says the doctor.
A short while later he sees the head push through again.
“Are you my dad?”, asks the baby.
“No, I am your doctor.”, he replies.
Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb.
The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.
Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out.
“Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father.
The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!”
The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/727o6m/a_pregnant_woman_is_about_to_give_birth/
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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...

But then I got kicked out of the library :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/727mr6/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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What would an Indian say if you throw cow manure at him?

Holy shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/727m3y/what_would_an_indian_say_if_you_throw_cow_manure/
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Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church...

Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.
Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena and they spent the night doing vell you know.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her gray curls on the pillow.
"Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.
He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/727bgj/vell_ole_and_lena_went_to_the_same_lutheran_church/
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I asked a prostitute

"How Much For A Hand Job?"
Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"
I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/727aai/i_asked_a_prostitute/
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What does Allahu Akbar actually mean?" I asked Muhammad at work today.

"It has two meanings," he replied, "The first meaning is 'God is Great'".
"And the second?" I asked
"Run like fuck!" Muhammad smiled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7279qu/what_does_allahu_akbar_actually_mean_i_asked/
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What's the most nervous piece of clothing?

A Sweater!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72732i/whats_the_most_nervous_piece_of_clothing/
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What do you call a strange hammer?

An abnor-mallet-y!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7270it/what_do_you_call_a_strange_hammer/
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When you meet an apiarist, look deep into his eyes...

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/726xmr/when_you_meet_an_apiarist_look_deep_into_his_eyes/
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Where did Lucy go during the bombing?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/726x2l/where_did_lucy_go_during_the_bombing/
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A naked woman robbed a bank filled with men

But nobody could remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/726vz5/a_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank_filled_with_men/
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An Asian couple is in bed

And the husband, making an effort to spice things up, says "We do #69 now"!
And the wife says, "Why you want Beef and Broccoli"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/726u1n/an_asian_couple_is_in_bed/
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I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a terrorist attack.

Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/726tuh/i_recently_failed_out_of_military_school_when_i/
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How do you call a dog with no legs?

However you do it, it won't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/726qgb/how_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Three Irishmen are working on a power line...

One day, Paddy, Seamus and Scotty are working on a power line. The three of them have been co-workers for years and are great friends, until Paddy falls off of the tower and is immediately killed.
Grief-stricken, the two friends look at each other. "Aw, hell," Seamus says, "Someone's going to have to inform his wife." Scotty nods and replies, "I've always been good at the sensitive stuff. I'll do it."
Later that day, Seamus notices Scotty walking down the street carrying a 24-pack of beer. "Scotty," he says, "Where'd you get that case of beer? I thought you were going to talk to Paddy's wife today."
"I did," Scotty says. "I went up to her door and asked, 'you must be Paddy's widow!' She told me, 'you must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.' So I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer that you are!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/726ov0/three_irishmen_are_working_on_a_power_line/
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A man from Wyoming and a man from California are driving across Wyoming in a pickup truck. [NSFW]

It’s boring, it’s flat, they haven’t seen anything interesting in hours.
Eventually, they find a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The man from Wyoming looks over at the man from California with a crazy grin and says “watch this”.
The man from Wyoming pulls the truck over, climbs out, drops his pants and fucks the sheep. Then he wipes his dick off on the wool, pulls his pants up and climbs back in the truck.
The Californian, amazed at what he had just seen, said “Holy shit! Can I try?!”
The man from Wyoming looks at the clock on the dash and says “Sure! We’ve got time”
So the man from California climbs out and sticks his head in the fence...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/726omq/a_man_from_wyoming_and_a_man_from_california_are/
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I've never had a real girlfriend, besides that one in fifth grade...

Didn't really work out with me being a sophomore though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/726j4f/ive_never_had_a_real_girlfriend_besides_that_one/
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What's the difference between Steve Jobs and Donald Trump?

A good many things, but it's a little unfair to compare Apples to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/726atr/whats_the_difference_between_steve_jobs_and/
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If Trump really wants to destroy North Korea...

Then he should just move there and become their leader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7267q7/if_trump_really_wants_to_destroy_north_korea/
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One day, Einstein has to go to an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7266hj/one_day_einstein_has_to_go_to_an_important/
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I farted in a room full of hipsters.

They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72639f/i_farted_in_a_room_full_of_hipsters/
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What do you call a war hero covered in salt and pepper?

A seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/726256/what_do_you_call_a_war_hero_covered_in_salt_and/
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Wives are sex objects

Every time you ask for sex, she objects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7261q2/wives_are_sex_objects/
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I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/725x5s/ive_tried_calling_stephen_hawking_many_times/
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I never use fowl language

I just don't give a cluck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/725upq/i_never_use_fowl_language/
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A man was traveling for

work, and he made his way to the airport. As he enters, a deep voice tells him "don't go! You will die". He turns around, but nobody is behind him. Spooked, he decided to go back home. As he arrives home, he sees in the news that the airplane he was supposed to board crashed and all passengers died.
So he thought he would take the train instead. As he arrives at the train station, the same voice says "don't go! You will die". Spooked again, he goes back home, only to learn from the news that the train he was supposed to take had a derailment and all passengers died.
So he decided to go by boat. As he arrives at the port, the same voice said "don't go! You will die!".
At this the man turns around and yells: "Thanks for the advice, but where the f*ck were you when I got married?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/725s30/a_man_was_traveling_for/
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Jerry hated doing laundry.

So he threw in the towel.
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/725nox/jerry_hated_doing_laundry/
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Why is Kim Jong-un so evil?

He doesn't have a Seoul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/725mtk/why_is_kim_jongun_so_evil/
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I work for the DPRK army, but...

...I'm considering a Korea change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/725gqd/i_work_for_the_dprk_army_but/
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I like my women like I like my cheesecake

Without someone else’s dick in it you fuckin bitch Victoria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/725gex/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_cheesecake/
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A young boy enters a barber shop..

...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/725fvs/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
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How does Trump deport Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/725eps/how_does_trump_deport_mexicans/
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Why did the gay man want to go to Iran?

He heard all the gays were hung .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/725dgc/why_did_the_gay_man_want_to_go_to_iran/
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How do you get a Liberal Arts graduate off your porch?

Pay for the pizza

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/725d32/how_do_you_get_a_liberal_arts_graduate_off_your/
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Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/725a9x/why_did_the_koala_fall_out_of_the_tree/
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Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/725a7b/why_wont_any_sea_creatures_date_oysters/
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I've always wanted to see a man wearing two monocles.

It'd be quite the spectacle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72587b/ive_always_wanted_to_see_a_man_wearing_two/
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If you ever feel your job is pointless.

Just remember: there is some bloke in Germany putting indicators on BMWs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7256sx/if_you_ever_feel_your_job_is_pointless/
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Apple has successfully created a self driving car

However, they are having problems installing windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7254in/apple_has_successfully_created_a_self_driving_car/
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I was just diagnosed with colorblindness

The result came completely out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7253av/i_was_just_diagnosed_with_colorblindness/
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Sniffer dog on a plane

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search".
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Gee, that's pretty good," replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, "What's going on?"
The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7251f2/sniffer_dog_on_a_plane/
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Did you hear about the cruise that was rated 3.14 out of 10?

It was a pi-rate ship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7250r7/did_you_hear_about_the_cruise_that_was_rated_314/
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When did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

When his hand caught fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72501g/when_did_pinocchio_find_out_he_was_made_of_wood/
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I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724y9t/im_american_and_im_sick_of_people_saying_america/
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The iPhone X removes the home button.

Meaning you'll be homeless on several different levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724wsa/the_iphone_x_removes_the_home_button/
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I love porn advertisements

After all, you can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724wib/i_love_porn_advertisements/
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How does Darth Vader like his toast?

On the dark side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724t24/how_does_darth_vader_like_his_toast/
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A Rabbi falls through a portal one day...

And ends up in an alternate universe, inhabited by a people known as the Trids. They take him in and are friendly, but every day at exactly 3 pm a they all bury their heads in the ground. Eventually the rabbi gets curious enough to ask them why they do that. Their leader replies that sometimes a giant will come along, pick them up, and kick them into the great paradise in the sky, but only if their heads are buried.
Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, the rabbi hears footsteps in the distance. Along comes the giant, and he reaches down, picks up 3 Trids, and punts them into the horizon one at a time.
Now, the rabbi has enjoyed his time with the Trids, but he’s starting to miss his old life. The Trid King suggests that if he buries his head in the sand, the giant might come and kick him back to his own world. So for the next several days, the rabbi buries his head in the sand with everyone else. One day he hears the giant coming, and gets excited that he might be leaving. The giant picks him and 2 Trids up. He kicks the first two into the distance, and is about to kick the rabbi, but then takes a closer look at him.
“Silly Rabbi,” he says, “kicks are for Trids!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724q7j/a_rabbi_falls_through_a_portal_one_day/
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I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724pa2/i_witnessed_the_break_up_of_an_obese_couple/
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So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, so he decided to start walking.
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sunblock and pours his windshield wiper fluid into a water bottle in case he gets that desperate, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's walked about 30 miles. That means that he should be close to the town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He tells himself that he's got to be close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of the dunes, and that'll be all he needs.
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
He wakes up the next morning feeling lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.
Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday, or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.
He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference.
He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick.
After a while of walking, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it. He's getting woozy enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn't think he remembers any. But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going.
Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.
Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can't tell from here. He's going to have to go down there and look.
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a couple sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance. He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason.
Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is, so he just keeps crawling.
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.
Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating. He's probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down, just imagining the whole thing.
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
Crawling, he would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?"
He stops crawling. He leans back to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again - better.
Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post sticking up out of the stone at an angle. And wrapped around the post, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to move from this spot.
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet - that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.
He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here because he thought he'd heard a voice. Maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were nearby.
He shakily pulls the bottle of wiper fluid out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. "Hello? Is there anyone here?"
He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"
He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.
"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, "Very well. Coming up."
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes - they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.
"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!
"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?"
"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."
"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real?”
"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you are. I didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here."
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.
"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or two."
"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.
"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.
"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. You can call me Nate, if you wish."
"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack Samson."
"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that's how you work?"
"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That's what you asked for.”
"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal. So technically you’re always dying" Nate seemed very amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious, "first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell you."
"So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack said.
“with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me, write about me, or give any information about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.
Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"
Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.
"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"
"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes to yourself. They're like wishes but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can't give you immortality. I'd probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd live a very long time, barring accidents, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well.”
"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not really a change to me?"
"Right," nodded Nate.
"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?"
"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had shoulders.
"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?"
"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that's how it works," Nate said apologetically.
Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. Despite knowing that it wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.
"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"
Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food?
Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...
Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans...
Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to hoodwink me like that."
"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you - especially one my size.”
"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or something instead?"
"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second."
"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear," answered Jack.
"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?"
"Just talk,"
"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning.
Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second. "You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate skeptically.
"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.
Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the trunk to reach out across the stone.
Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!
Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to have to head back"
"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he'd been going when he was crawling here.
Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"
"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a 'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."
"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"
"A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands of years, at least," nate said.
"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.
"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."
"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?" asked Jack.
"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've been here ever since.
"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"
"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.
"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.
"Why not?" asked Jack.
"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.
"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it that way, and it would move in the slot."
"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.
"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"
"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it 'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.
Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?"
"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"
Nate continued to grin.
"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?"
"Well," replied Nate, "Maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here."
"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.
"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.
Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now? You'd let me end humanity?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do you want to, Jack?"
"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psycho to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psycho, because it would kill him too. Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?"
"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"
"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.
"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"
"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed to know."
Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.
Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?"
"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago."
"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?"
"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."
"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.
"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.
"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"
"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."
"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.
Nate watched him, waiting.
"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with his third request?"
Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, "Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."
"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it to me.
Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"
"Give me that wisdom. As much as you can give” Jack turned to face away from Nate, bent over slightly and tensed up.
Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.
"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.
"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack
"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"
"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.
Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.
Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been recently bitten.
Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he was still awake.
Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.
"Nate, do accidents count?"
Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"
Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.
"Wow," said Jack as he leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.
"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?" asked Jack.
"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."
"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?"
"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.
Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.
"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in. He didn't stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he'd had enough. It was his time."
"And then he just died?" asked Jack.
Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.
After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had.
After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise."
Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.
Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town.
Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, and within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident.
Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a bookstore, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.
Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. Jack had brought more books for Nate. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.
Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use.
After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.
Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings.
On one of the visits Nate, Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's silence, sat down and waited.
After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."
Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?
"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son." Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"
Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the lever.
"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.
"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I assume?"
Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I want my son to have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"
Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was something more.
Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, "Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.
Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my first son, and I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement."
Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"
Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said was, "What do you want me to do?"
Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.
"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.
"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword. it should work, even on me.
"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.
"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."
Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy! Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."
Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden. When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was stalling. So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. It was time to head back and see Nate.
When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage, he loaded up Sammy, and they headed for the desert.
When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove.
Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.
Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction.
As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.
Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.
Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.
Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't working. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever he’d have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away. He'd have to time his turn just right.
The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever, and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.
Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.
Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "Better Nate than lever!", he ran over the snake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724jon/so_theres_a_man_crawling_through_the_desert/
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Donald Trump is giving a speech at an elementary school

He is trying to explain to these young children what a tragedy is. A young boy asks if his parents dying from a terrible illness is a tragedy.
"No," Trump replies, "I would consider that a great loss"
A young girl asks if a train derailing, killing all 250 people onbard would be a tragedy.
"No, that is what you call an accident." Trump again replies.
"Look, say if I was flying in my presidential jet, and it crashed and I died, then that would be a tragedy."
A little girl responds, "Well I agree, it certainly would be no great loss, nor would it be an accident."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724jd9/donald_trump_is_giving_a_speech_at_an_elementary/
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If they say girls like guys who can make them laugh,

Then I shouldn't be single because my life is a fucking joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724j4x/if_they_say_girls_like_guys_who_can_make_them/
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One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody.....

Unless you are in Prison..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724gyn/one_of_the_most_wonderful_things_in_life_is_to/
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A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman

. With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724cqw/a_country_wife_came_home_just_in_time_to_find_her/
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A tractor enthusiast

from the country decides to leave his farm and assortment of tractors for a life in the city. He gets a job in a fancy high rise building. One day, the floor he works on catches fire. With one breath the man sucks up all the smoke and flames and blows it out the window. When all of his coworkers asked him "how the hell did you do that?" He simply answered "I'm an ex-tractor fan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724c4n/a_tractor_enthusiast/
%
What do you call a magic car?

A Lambor-Genie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724by0/what_do_you_call_a_magic_car/
%
I removed the rear view mirror from my car.

I haven't looked back since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724bp7/i_removed_the_rear_view_mirror_from_my_car/
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What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724aj8/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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An Italian funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.  A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.  Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.  Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.  He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this.  Whose funeral, is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood.  Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724aba/an_italian_funeral/
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A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:
"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"
His master gives him an anecdote.
"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs while the sun sets, with no apparent purpose to them?"
"Yes Master"
"And have you seen the moon reflect upon the still surface of the lake, a mere reflection, and contemplate the meaning of it?"
"Yes Master"
"And have you seen the flocks of birds flying across the sky at sunset, and wonder about their purpose in life?"
"Yes Master"
"That's your problem! You keep looking at useless shit instead of practicing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7244zw/a_kung_fu_student_in_ancient_china_goes_to_meet/
%
What is Donald Trumps favourite type of clothing

Russian Ties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7244h0/what_is_donald_trumps_favourite_type_of_clothing/
%
So much tax evasion in America...

Almost like the country was founded on it or something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7244g7/so_much_tax_evasion_in_america/
%
What do monks spend the most time on with jigsaw puzzles?

Inner pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/724121/what_do_monks_spend_the_most_time_on_with_jigsaw/
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A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?” “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress. “Sure, that will do.” The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. “Are you going to eat that chili?” “Nope, it’s yours if you want it” says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse. The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says “Yep, same thing happened to me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/723zkh/a_homeless_man_enters_a_diner/
%
Never marry a tennis player...

love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/723zgd/never_marry_a_tennis_player/
%
A blonde rings up an airline.

She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/723snj/a_blonde_rings_up_an_airline/
%
Hitler walked in to a bar...

The bartenders says "whoa, hitler I thought you were dead"
Hitler says "no, just hiding. I'm planning to kill the rest of the Jews and 5 clowns"
The bartender asks "why the clowns?"
Hitler says "see no one cares about Jews"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/723r4g/hitler_walked_in_to_a_bar/
%
I farted in an Apple store today and everyone yelled at me.

It's not my fault they don't have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/723p2t/i_farted_in_an_apple_store_today_and_everyone/
%
A drunk woman stumbles into a bar...

She sits down, and says to the bartender, "Beertender!  Gimme a drooble martuni, and put a pickle in it."
The bartender, quite fluent in drunkese, pours her a double martini, drops in an olive, and slides it over to woman.  She lights up a cigarette, slams the martini, and takes another drag of her smoke.
"Beertender! Gimme another drooble martuni, and put a pickle in it!" She exclaims.
The bartender graciously pours the woman another stiff martini and slides it over.  She puffs her smoke, slams the drink back in one gulp, and exhales a big cloud of smoke while saying in a raspy voice, "Beertender!  Gimme another drooble martuni, and this time, put _two_ pickles in it, I'm getting a little heartburn!"
The bartender, tired of her shenanigans, walks over to her and says, "Listen, lady, here's the thing... It's _bartender_, not beertender.  You're drinking _double martinis_, not drooble martunis.  Those green things in your drink are _olives_, not pickles.  And last of all, you're not getting heartburn, _your left tit is in the ashtray!"_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/723au2/a_drunk_woman_stumbles_into_a_bar/
%
A man walks into a bar...

And asks the bartender for a Gin and Tonic. The bartender reaches down, pulls out an apple, and lays it on the counter. Here try that he says. The man takes a bite out of the apple...WOW, it taste like gin he says. Turn it over said the bartender. The man turns it over and takes a bite, OMG it taste like tonic!!
Suprised, a woman walks up and asks for a whiskey and coke. The bartender reaches down, pulls out an apple, and lays it on the counter. Here try that he says. The woman takes a bite out of the apple...WOW, it taste like whiskey. Turn it over said the bartender. The woman turns it over and takes a bite, OMG it taste like coke!!
Shocked a midget walks up to the bar and says, I want one that taste like pussy!!! The bartender reaches down, grabs an apple, and puts it on the counter. The midget quickly snatches it up and takes a bite...PLEW!!! The midget spits the apple out and yells, THIS APPLE TASTE LIKE SHIT!!! The bartender replies...Turn it over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72397c/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What is a ghost's favorite religion?

Booddism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/72393m/what_is_a_ghosts_favorite_religion/
%
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your last job?

ME: Because of something my boss said.
I: It says here you were fired.
ME: That's the thing he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7236kz/interviewer_why_did_you_leave_your_last_job/
%
If Donald Trump wants to destroy North Korea...

Perhaps he should move there and become their leader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7234y3/if_donald_trump_wants_to_destroy_north_korea/
%
A blonde gets a tattoo...

...On her inner thigh of a conch shell.
Friend: Why did you get a conch shell tattoo on your inner thigh?
Blonde: So that when you put your ear against it you can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/722w2t/a_blonde_gets_a_tattoo/
%
I went to a pub last night

and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs"
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so"
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/722v7m/i_went_to_a_pub_last_night/
%
Charlie Sheen has a kilo of coke and five hookers, he does two eight balls and sends one of the hookers home, what does Charlie Sheen have?

AIDS, Charlie Sheen has AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/722uv5/charlie_sheen_has_a_kilo_of_coke_and_five_hookers/
%
A man goes to the doctor and says...

"Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies: "Yes, I'm sorry to tell you that it's the tip of the iceberg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/722ubd/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says/
%
I quit my job working at a helium factory

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/722nrl/i_quit_my_job_working_at_a_helium_factory/
%
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/722log/getting_married_is_like_going_to_a_restaurant/
%
Prisons nationwide have integrated the Hokey-Pokey into their physical education program.

They think it will help the inmates turn their lives around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/722lj0/prisons_nationwide_have_integrated_the_hokeypokey/
%
I was working in poultry and a women held up a package and asked me, "When does the chicken expire?"

"At the factory, when they cut its head off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/722ky3/i_was_working_in_poultry_and_a_women_held_up_a/
%
"Ugh, I hate this time of month," she said. "It's like I've got the 2000 election in my pants..."

"'cuz there's Bush and there's Gore."
[OC] NSFW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/722kv4/ugh_i_hate_this_time_of_month_she_said_its_like/
%
How does a blonde kill an earthworm?

She buries it alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/722cvg/how_does_a_blonde_kill_an_earthworm/
%
A snail hits the lotto and goes into a Rolls Royce dealership and orders his car to have a giant "S" painted on the doors.

When asked why he wanted it, he replied "I want everyone who sees me to say 'look at that S car go!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/722cr4/a_snail_hits_the_lotto_and_goes_into_a_rolls/
%
I celebrate Halloween in August

When you show up at someone's door at night in August with a mask on, you get better stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/722cn0/i_celebrate_halloween_in_august/
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I call my penis the "Lamborghini of Love".....

Zero to finished in 3.5 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/722bal/i_call_my_penis_the_lamborghini_of_love/
%
Hey, girl... Are you a cell phone?

'Cause I could stare at you all day...
(I am ashamed to admit that intentionally bad pickup lines are my specialty.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7226qa/hey_girl_are_you_a_cell_phone/
%
I like my women like I like my hangovers

Easy and gone in the morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7226b5/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_hangovers/
%
TIL you can make a gyro by folding a crepe in half instead of pita bread. But you don't have to do it this way. Because

not all gyros wear crepes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7222ie/til_you_can_make_a_gyro_by_folding_a_crepe_in/
%
Did you hear about the insomniac social justice activist?

He was woke af

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7220fx/did_you_hear_about_the_insomniac_social_justice/
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(Corny) Why could nobody understand the unemployed man?

He made no cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/721y2x/corny_why_could_nobody_understand_the_unemployed/
%
Why do rappers hate Trump?

Nothing rhymes with orange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/721vfw/why_do_rappers_hate_trump/
%
Why does Pennywise hate playing tag?

Because he's always IT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/721r4v/why_does_pennywise_hate_playing_tag/
%
Forgetful couple

An elderly couple went to see their physician  because the pair of them have been forgetting things as of late. The doctor performs an examination on them and concludes that they are in perfect health. He explains to them that in their old age people naturally start forgetting things, and advises them to start writing things down. That evening while watching TV the husband gets up. "where are you going?" inquires his wife. "to the kitchen to get some ice-cream." he replies. "ooh. I want some too". "ok" he says. "but I want chocolate syrup. You better write that down". "I'm not writing that down. It's easy enough to remember." "I want whip cream too. Please write it down."   "I got. It. I got it. Write it down. Bah."  " and nuts on top. Here's a pen and paper".  "will you stop it already. I got it." and he throws the pen and paper down. He's gone for abt a half an hour and comes back. Puts a plate of bacon and eggs on his TV tray and one on hers. She looks at him with a nasty look. "you forgot the toast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/721n4g/forgetful_couple/
%
Marriage is like a game of cards...

At the beginning you need two hearts and a diamond, but at the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/721l9c/marriage_is_like_a_game_of_cards/
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Coin flip

One day, Bob came home from school and proudly told his father, “My teacher taught us about the probability of a coin flip today!  A coin will land on heads 50% of the time all the time!”
Bob’s father: That’s... not quite how it works.
Bob: Nuh-uh!  My teacher said so!
Bob’s father: Well the educational system is garbage.
Bob: Huh?
Bob’s father: Nothing.
Seeing a lesson that needed to be taught, Bob’s father pulled out a coin and told his son, “Alright son, I bet you that this coin will land on heads.  If you win, I’ll buy you ice cream.  If I win, you’ll have to do the chores for the rest of the day.”
Bob: Deal.
Bob’s father casually flips the coin and it lands on heads.
Bob: How could this happen?
Bob's father: Because it's a small sample size.  It doesn't reflect the actual probability.
Bob: Let's try again, it has to even out by landing on tails next time!
Bob’s father: Let’s raise the stakes this time.  I'll flip the coin three times.  If it lands on tails for any of them, you win and I'll buy you a tub of ice cream.  If it lands on heads for all of them, you'll have to do the chores for the rest of the week.
Bob: Ok.
Bob's father flips the coin again and to Bob's amazement, it lands on heads each time.
Bob: That can't be right!  Why did this happen?
Bob's father: Because it's an outlier.  It doesn't usually happen, but it'll show up from time to time across large data sets.
Bob: That makes sense.  I bet it'll land on tails a lot in the next few flips.
Bob's father: You still don't get it.  That's the gambler's fallacy.  I'll flip the coin five more times.  If you win, I'll buy you Half-Life 3.  If I win, you'll have to do the chores for the rest of the month.
Bob: Fine.
Amazingly, all five coin flips resulted in heads.
Bob: That's impossible!  How could this happen?
Bob's father: Because this is a miracle!  The chances of this happening are about the chances your mom and I's marriage would have worked out.
Bob: That's not why she left.
Bob's father: Truth is stranger than fiction.
Bob: I don't believe this.  It has to land on tails eventually.
Bob's father: The lesson doesn't seem to be sinking in.  Let's go big.  I'll flip the coin seven more times.  If you win, I'll buy you anything you want.  If I win, you'll have to do the chores until you go to college.
Bob hesitates for a moment in deep contemplation before finally nodding in agreement.
With each subsequent flip landing on heads, the life in Bob's eyes died a little.  When the final flip landed on heads, a single tear rolled down Bob's cheek.
Bob: Why, dad?  Why?
Bob's father: Because this is a two-headed coin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/721i7t/coin_flip/
%
Q: What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

A: Women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/721hc2/q_what_gets_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
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I just found out that George Clooney's wife has a twin brother named Juan who looks exactly like her

Some people say that once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/721bsy/i_just_found_out_that_george_clooneys_wife_has_a/
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A farmer counted 196 cows in the field

But when he rounded them up, he had 200

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/721ber/a_farmer_counted_196_cows_in_the_field/
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I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/721792/i_hate_it_when_engineering_students_refer_to/
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At my therapy session today, I suddenly remembered that as a child I was molested by a clown.

I never knew I had IT in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720y4p/at_my_therapy_session_today_i_suddenly_remembered/
%
What does the universe and every human being share in common?

They were both created with a Big Bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720x2l/what_does_the_universe_and_every_human_being/
%
A gymnast walks into a bar...

She gets deducted five points

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720u1u/a_gymnast_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A boy with swollen cheek.

Mom looks at her son and asks "What happened Timmy?".
Tim replies "A fly landed on my face in the garden.".
"Did it bite you?" asks mom.
"No, dad killed it with a shovel." says Tim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720smf/a_boy_with_swollen_cheek/
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My mother-in-law told me I had poor posture when standing.

I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720rio/my_motherinlaw_told_me_i_had_poor_posture_when/
%
Jimmy and Johnny and sitting in the playground after school...

as kids do.  At one point Jimmy calls Johnny over, "You need to see this." He immediately pulls out a brand new rolex.
Johnny ask, "Where'd you get that watch?"
Jimmy replied. "I can't tell you."
"C'mon, did you get it for your birthday?"
"Nope."
"...from your grandma?"
"Nope."
"You didn't steal it did you!?"
"Fine. I will tell you."
Jimmy goes on to explain. "I was waiting outside my parents bedroom until they were doing the nasty and my dad gave it to me to just get rid of me."
--------------------------
This inspired Johnny.  That night he went home and waited.  Once everyone went to bed he planted himself right out side his parents bedroom waiting for his moment.
In very short time, he heard the bed frame slam against the wall, "Boom!"
Then another, "Boom!"
In no time the slams against the wall came faster and faster, louder and louder.  "Boom! BOOM! BOOM!!!"
At that moment, Johnny slammed open the door.
His dad screams at him, "What do you want!?"
"I WANNA WATCH!"
"FINE, YOU CAN WATCH, JUST STAND IN THE CORNER AND BE QUIET!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720poc/jimmy_and_johnny_and_sitting_in_the_playground/
%
Nun walks over to a construction site foreman

There was a construction site next to a convent. Mother superior walks over and asked to speak with the foreman. Mother superior told the foreman that the men have been talking extremely vulgar and the other nuns are hearing this type of language. The foreman replies by explaining to mother superior that these men are rough and tough and that they call it like they see it, they call a spade a spade. mother superior replied no sir they call it a fucking shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720pbj/nun_walks_over_to_a_construction_site_foreman/
%
The hospital just called me and said it looks like my wife got hit by a car.

I told them I married her for her personality, not her looks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720o9i/the_hospital_just_called_me_and_said_it_looks/
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A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."
She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can’t wear your pants," she said.
"That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can’t get into your panties!"
She said, "That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720mzi/a_young_couple_just_married_were_in_their/
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and a vacuum?

A vacuum has a filter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720iyl/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_a/
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A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and six drops were squeezed out. Flabbergasted, the bartender asked, "How did you do that? What did you do for a living? Were you a lumberjack, or a body builder?" The old man smiled, and said, "I worked for the IRS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720iws/a_bartender_squeezes_all_the_juice_from_a_lemon/
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Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help.....

They follow the sound to the lake and see Trump drowning.
The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore.
Trump asks the boys how he can repay them.
The first boy says, "I want a boat."
The second boy says, "I want a truck."
The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone."
Trump asks, "Why is that?"
The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720gel/three_boys_walk_through_the_woods_and_suddenly/
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A police officer pulls a man over because he hadn't obeyed the stop sign. The cop approaches the window...

Cop-"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver-"I didn't do anything wrong"
Cop-"You didn't stop at the stop sign, you only slowed down, and that is still illegal"
Driver-"slowing down, stopping, same thing! That's bull shit! I was still being careful!"
Cop-"step out of the car now!"
The man proceeds to step out of the car, and the officer turns him against the car.
The police man pulls the driver's pants down and shoves his baton into his ass!
Driver-"OW! What the fuck! Stop! Stop!
Cop-"ok, I'll stop!"
Driver- "You're just shoving it further!
Cop- "oh I thought slowing down and stopping where the same thing. Don't worry, I'll be careful."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720g3o/a_police_officer_pulls_a_man_over_because_he/
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What does a polar bear need to go through to publish a book ?

The seal of approbation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720d61/what_does_a_polar_bear_need_to_go_through_to/
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Fun fact:

People in Dubai don't really like the flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720be3/fun_fact/
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A son comes home one afternoon...

He tells his dad:
"Dad, I got an A in math today. We were learning to count, and I was the only one who could count to 50. Everyone else could only count to 10. "
"Dad, I got an A in English today. We were learning our letters, and I was the only one who knew the whole alphabet. Everyone else only knew A, B, and C"
"Dad, the teacher was really proud of me in gym. I was the only one taller than 6 feet."
Son, it's because you're 24 fucking years old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/720aaa/a_son_comes_home_one_afternoon/
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Little Johnny attended a horse..

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7209jz/little_johnny_attended_a_horse/
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A young woman ...

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive"
With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.
From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," The captain says.
Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7205a4/a_young_woman/
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A sadist, a bestiality fetishist, a pyromaniac a necrophiliac and a masochist are at a party

A sadist,a guy with a bestiality fetish, a pyro maniac, a necrophiliac and a masochist are in a party trying to have some fun, while a cat runs past them.
The sadist says : We should find the cat and cut it  a hundred times with the sharpest knife we can find
The guy with the bestiality fetish says : Do whatever you want with the cat ws long as I have a go at her
The pyro maniac says : Afterwards we should burn the cat!
The necrophiliac says : And after you burn her I'll have my go at her!
The masochist says : Meow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7204tf/a_sadist_a_bestiality_fetishist_a_pyromaniac_a/
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If a woman sleeps with several men, she's a whore, but if a man sleeps with several women...

Then he's a Mormon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7204r0/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_several_men_shes_a_whore/
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I won a math debate.

Say it out loud. ^

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7204pm/i_won_a_math_debate/
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First-timer at the nudist colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and
starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde
walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 70 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7202s8/firsttimer_at_the_nudist_colony/
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I like my women like I like my coffee,

I've never had coffee but it smells really nice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71zxx6/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Don't wait until your deathbed

to tell people how you really feel. You might be too weak to raise your middle finger by then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71zwau/dont_wait_until_your_deathbed/
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How do we know photons are massless?

They're traveling light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71zv9o/how_do_we_know_photons_are_massless/
%
I remember laying in bed at night waiting for Santa to come

and then he'd put on his pants and give me my presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71zv9j/i_remember_laying_in_bed_at_night_waiting_for/
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Is sex a joke?

Because I don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ztey/is_sex_a_joke/
%
A young woman was taking golf lessons ..

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71zrde/a_young_woman_was_taking_golf_lessons/
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I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing things at his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71znis/i_never_wanted_to_believe_my_dad_was_stealing/
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Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t?

The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71zlbd/why_do_married_men_gain_weight_and_bachelors_dont/
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You can call me cheese on pasta

Because I'm grate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71zl1t/you_can_call_me_cheese_on_pasta/
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What did the cauliflower bank robber say to the broccoli getaway driver?

Floret.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71zka7/what_did_the_cauliflower_bank_robber_say_to_the/
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How do you tell a proper joke about eating?

In jest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71zk9g/how_do_you_tell_a_proper_joke_about_eating/
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A dad was washing his car with his son...

His son then asked "Dad, can't we use a sponge instead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71zi63/a_dad_was_washing_his_car_with_his_son/
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A blonde went to the electronic store and she asked..

A blonde went to the electronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don"t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette.
She asked the salesman how much the TV was.
He said, "Sorry, we don"t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was.
He said, "Sorry we don"t sell to blondes."
She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71zel2/a_blonde_went_to_the_electronic_store_and_she/
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Son walks in on Parents...

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71zby6/son_walks_in_on_parents/
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Noah's diary: Day 39

Unicorn pie is fucking delicious!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71zaa0/noahs_diary_day_39/
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71z9l3/what_do_you_call_a_crate_of_ducks/
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How many black people does it take to start a riot?

Negative 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71z8on/how_many_black_people_does_it_take_to_start_a_riot/
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I like my women like I like my coffee.

In an air tight container.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71z7rf/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary

. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71z4e8/a_married_man_was_having_an_affair_with_his/
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Have you ever had sex while camping

It's fucking intense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71z11p/have_you_ever_had_sex_while_camping/
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I failed my final exam on Greek mythology.

It's always been my Achilles elbow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71z0z9/i_failed_my_final_exam_on_greek_mythology/
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An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart..

An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason.
The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids!
Are they twins?"
The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?"
"No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71z0mx/an_ugly_fat_bad_woman_with_two_kids_enters_wal/
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Did you hear about the new show "Schrodinger's Bullet"?

It's hit and miss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71yso5/did_you_hear_about_the_new_show_schrodingers/
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The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant

A few minutes later, the dinner was served.
Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.
Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71yro8/the_husband_and_the_wife_were_having_dinner_at_a/
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I beat my wife and she immediately divorced me.

Some people take Monopoly way too seriously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ypjr/i_beat_my_wife_and_she_immediately_divorced_me/
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What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhea?

Bravefart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71yp75/what_do_you_call_a_scotsman_with_diarrhea/
%
What's a dotard?

My friend, reading the latest Kim and Trump news: What's a "dotard"?
Me, an intellectual: I dunno. A whole step down from a retard?
A very true story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71yn3z/whats_a_dotard/
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So me and my wife have just had a baby and all we have done is argue about what to call it.

She wants it to be named after her mother, but I just don't feel comfortable having a child called Cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71yfbm/so_me_and_my_wife_have_just_had_a_baby_and_all_we/
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What do you call the Redditor whose Jedi mind trick tricked you into upvoting their joke to the front page?

OP Wan Kenobi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71yeou/what_do_you_call_the_redditor_whose_jedi_mind/
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I accidentally combined Fahrenheit and milliliters

FmL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ycit/i_accidentally_combined_fahrenheit_and_milliliters/
%
An American woman uses the toilet at an Irish bar.

She complains to the barman that there is no lock on the door.
The barman says "My grandfather opened this bar, then passed it to my father who passed it to me."
The woman rudely cuts him off and says "what does that have to do with having a lock on the door?"
The barman replied "In all that time no one has ever tried to steal any shit from in there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71yc2z/an_american_woman_uses_the_toilet_at_an_irish_bar/
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The volume of a pizza with thickness a and radius z is

pi * z * z * a

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ybaw/the_volume_of_a_pizza_with_thickness_a_and_radius/
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A 70 year old man went for a sperm test

The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm.
The next day, the man came with the empty bottle and said he tried with his left hand then right hand.
Then his wife tried with her left hand and right
hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both
hands & mouth. Then the neighbor's wife &
daughter tried the same way..but could not open
the damn bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71y3a0/a_70_year_old_man_went_for_a_sperm_test/
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Bad Math Grade

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"
The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?"
The boys says, "That's what I said!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71xzl4/bad_math_grade/
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My ex made my life like a fairytale

Grimm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71xywg/my_ex_made_my_life_like_a_fairytale/
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If a blind girl ever tells you that

You have a big penis, she's probably just pulling your leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71xs9b/if_a_blind_girl_ever_tells_you_that/
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There's no 'I' in team...

...but there's five in 'individual brilliance'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71xs8w/theres_no_i_in_team/
%
The NEWS say you can now talk to animal poop through your phone.

I call bullshit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71xruz/the_news_say_you_can_now_talk_to_animal_poop/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson are camping

At three in the morning, Holmes wakes Watson. "Watson, look up. What can you deduce from what you see?"
Watson ponders for a while. "From the starry sky? Astronomically, there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What do you deduce, Holmes?"
"I deduce that you're an idiot, Watson. If we can see the stars, then our tent has been stolen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71xrmv/sherlock_holmes_and_drwatson_are_camping/
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How do you confuse a gay person ?

Five

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71xmtq/how_do_you_confuse_a_gay_person/
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Being a picture is like being a gay man in middle east

First you're framed then you're hanged almost immediately

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71xm7s/being_a_picture_is_like_being_a_gay_man_in_middle/
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My wife shouted at me...

You're so useless! You never tidy up or help with the housework, you're lazy and stupid and I bet you don't even know how to keep a house tidy!
I decided to prove her wrong so I did the washing up, ha! You should have seen her face when I showed her I knew how to load the dishes into the tumble dryer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71xm1i/my_wife_shouted_at_me/
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A girl asks a guy to rate her as honestly as possible

"You're a 9/10 for me"
"*What?*", she says hurtfully. Am I not perfect enough?"
"No. But you would be if you were my +1"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71xifq/a_girl_asks_a_guy_to_rate_her_as_honestly_as/
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The big moron and the little moron were sitting on a wall. The big one fell off but the little one didn't. Why?

Because he was a little moron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71xekv/the_big_moron_and_the_little_moron_were_sitting/
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Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.

He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.”
“That I married you only for your money.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71xcu3/jack_and_his_wife_lived_in_arizona_where_the/
%
A pilot walks into a bar..

The bartender says "before you tell me, I'm going to guess you're a pilot."
The pilot is amazed. "How do you know?"
The bartender replies "you're wearing your uniform, and you were in here last week telling everyone that you're a pilot."
The pilot replies. "At least I'm not a vegan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71x93f/a_pilot_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two men are sitting in the cinema waiting for the movie to start

so they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend '' 5 bucks if i go smash his head ? ''. The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes the bald guy on the head and says to him '' Hey Mike , long time no see man '' . The bald guy clearly surprised responds ''I believe you made a mistake sir'' so the guy replies '' I'm so so sorry sir '' and walks away.
The two friends laugh and the man gives the 5 bucks to his rather bold friend. After 5 minutes the guy tells his friend again ''10 bucks if I do it again ? '' the friend agrees and so the man goes and smashes the bald guy's head again and says ''Hey mike how have you been man ? '' . The bald guy now clearly irritated tells him '' Hey man listen , i've already told you i'm not Mike '' and the guy responds '' A thousand apologies sir , won't happen again'' and goes back to his friend who is now dying of laughter while the bald guy in the front row switches seats and sits now in the corner.
After receiving his money he tells his friend again '' 50 bucks if i do it one last time ? '' so his friend who is dying of curiosity agrees. Once again the man goes down and to the bald guy who is now sitting in the corner and smashes his head while shouting '' Oh come on Mike , you've been sitting here all along and i've been smashing that pour guy's head for 15 minutes ? ''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71x8nx/two_men_are_sitting_in_the_cinema_waiting_for_the/
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What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71x8a6/whats_the_difference_between_stephen_hawking_and/
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"God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.
The next day, the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died.
Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack.
He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.
He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home.
He was still alive!
When he got home he appologised to his wife.
"I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled,
"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71x7dy/god_bless_mommy_daddy_and_grammy_goodbye_grampa/
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I like crickets

They always laugh at my jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71x6vs/i_like_crickets/
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The average man ejaculates at 20mph.

But despite this, that apparently doesn't mean it's OK to do it outside a school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71x5hw/the_average_man_ejaculates_at_20mph/
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Don't Fart In Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71x57p/dont_fart_in_bed/
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What is SEX?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71x18w/what_is_sex/
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Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?

A boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her,
"Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!" "Don't worry,
it will be quick, no problem..."
"No! Someone may see - a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up."
"I've already said NO, and NO."
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love... don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad told you to blow, or that I must blow, or he will come down and blow himself, but for Christ's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71x0z6/sweetie_why_dont_you_give_me_a_blowjob/
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My dad was driving me back home from my friend's house yesterday when he threw a piece of trash out of the car

It took me a long time to walk home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71wy4t/my_dad_was_driving_me_back_home_from_my_friends/
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Surprising!!!

The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs
when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud
voice, “Dad, dad, the bull’s fucking the cow.”
After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his
son and calmly says, “Next time, son, be a little less explicit.
You should have said.
“The bull is surprising the cow. That sort of language comes
from associating with riff-raff.”
Lo and behold, the following week the farmer and his wife
are entertaining again when their son rushes in.
“Dad, dad, the bull is surprising the cows.”
“Well done, son, you’ve remembered what I told you, but
you should have said the bull is surprising the cow … it can
only surprise one cow at a time, you know.”
“But he can, dad,” insists the boy “He’s fucking the horse.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71wxzo/surprising/
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A man, during his night prays, asks God...

A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back, my child...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71wuwm/a_man_during_his_night_prays_asks_god/
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When Jared from subway was a kid (long)

He was a larger boy, all of the schoolchildren would call him names. Jared would get mad but didnt know what to. This goes on for some time until Jared went to his school counselor. His couseler asks what the problem is. Jared explains how all the schoolchildren can not see past his weight and accept him for who he is. His counseler replies and I quote "Fuck those kids"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71wu67/when_jared_from_subway_was_a_kid_long/
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Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore...

He's irrelephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71wl2w/nobody_talks_about_dumbo_anymore/
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When I think about my books...

I touch my shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71wkad/when_i_think_about_my_books/
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A black guy, Jew, and prostitute walk into a bar.

They sit down and begin to discuss their sex lives.
The black guy says "Man, I get all the sex I want. I'm the only black guy in this town and all these woman want a piece of me."
The prostitute responds with "You think that you get a lot of sex? I get paid for it. Every day, I get endless amounts of sex and I don't even have to leave the house for it!"
The Jew, who was quiet up to this point,  puts down his beer. He says "You guys think you get to fuck a lot of people? I work for Goldman Sachs..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71wjes/a_black_guy_jew_and_prostitute_walk_into_a_bar/
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Hacking is like anal.

You go through the backdoor and make sure a log isn't found.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71wfdh/hacking_is_like_anal/
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Did you hear about the party at the English department?

It was Lit af

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71w5mo/did_you_hear_about_the_party_at_the_english/
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The one with a rare medical condition

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
Again, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded "Pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71w07c/the_one_with_a_rare_medical_condition/
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Opinion are like assholes,

But I’m not here to eat opinions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71vzmb/opinion_are_like_assholes/
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Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more"

Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71vyew/husband_im_getting_you_diamonds_for_our/
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Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girlfriends hair...

It's a nice to let her know I love her, but more importantly that we're out of napkins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71vt10/sometimes_i_just_sit_and_run_my_fingers_through/
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That clown movie topping the box office is the real reason why we've been having so many hurricanes

Because when IT reigns, it pours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71vs1h/that_clown_movie_topping_the_box_office_is_the/
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Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71vqfl/imagine_if_america_switched_from_pounds_to/
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What type of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71vjvi/what_type_of_exercise_do_lazy_people_do/
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What does a police officer in rural Pennsylvania say when he sees suspicious behavior?

"Hmm, something's Amish here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71vi3n/what_does_a_police_officer_in_rural_pennsylvania/
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I bought my friend an elephant for their room

They said "Thank you"
I said "Don't mention it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71vccu/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_their_room/
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My friend stole the book I was reading and threw it across the table where it slid with ease

It was non-friction.
^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71vbmz/my_friend_stole_the_book_i_was_reading_and_threw/
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A woman goes to the doctor due to some distressing symptoms.

She tells him she can’t stop dancing and crooning ballads.
“Ma’am, you have Tom Jones syndrome” he says.
“Oh no! Is it rare?” She asks.
“Well, it’s not unusual....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71v8xh/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_due_to_some/
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Ice Cream...Maybe

A penguin went to get his car fixed on a 120 degree day, he was so hot, the mechanic said, "hey, this is going to take a while, you should go next door and cool off with some ice cream."
The penguin goes next door orders ice cream, the waitress asks, "would you like a spoon?" The penguin says, "no thank you, I will just use my flippers!"
After he eats the ice cream, it is all over his face, he goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic says, "it looks like you have blown a seal!"
The penguin says, "No! This is ice cream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71v452/ice_creammaybe/
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If you masturbate while you're asleep,

Does that make you a slumberjack?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71v2ad/if_you_masturbate_while_youre_asleep/
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I got a haircut and they cut it way too short

It started to grow on me though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71v1zv/i_got_a_haircut_and_they_cut_it_way_too_short/
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The power of authority

A cop agent goes to a property and tells the owner, an old farmer:
"I need to inspect your property." There's a complaint that you have an illegal plantation
The farmer says:
"Okay, inspect whatever you want, but do not go to that camp there. And points to a certain area.
The cop says furiously:
"Do you know that I have the power of authority with me?!!!" And he takes from his pocket a badge showing it to the farmer:
This badge gives me the authority to go where I want!!! And enter into any property!! I do not need to ask or answer any questions. It is clear? Do you understand?
The farmer, very polite, apologizes and goes back to what he was doing.
A few minutes later, he hears a scream and sees the officer running to save his own life pursued by the biggest bull in the farm. Each step the bull gets closer to the agent, who seems to be caught before reaching a safe place.
The agent is terrified.
The farmer drops the tools, runs to the fence and screams with all the forces of his lungs:
The badge, show him the badge!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71v1ry/the_power_of_authority/
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Why was the Death Star measured in miles?

Because they used Imperial units.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71v0n2/why_was_the_death_star_measured_in_miles/
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I was visiting a midget prison today...

As I was leaving, I saw a little person climbing over a prison wall to escape. He turned and gave me a dirty look, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71v08j/i_was_visiting_a_midget_prison_today/
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I tried swimming with dolphins once. I didn't like it.

I found them very cliquey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71v07x/i_tried_swimming_with_dolphins_once_i_didnt_like/
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Social media is like waking up in a mental asylum.

You have no idea you're committed until you try to leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71uz4g/social_media_is_like_waking_up_in_a_mental_asylum/
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Blonde Woman with her cheating boyfriend

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."
"Shut up," she says. "You’re next.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71uxs8/blonde_woman_with_her_cheating_boyfriend/
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71uu0d/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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Paleontologists have determined that there once was a genetic mutation millions of years ago that resulted in the creation of a five-legged dinosaur.

As far as we know, this is the first evidence ever seen of a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71utdr/paleontologists_have_determined_that_there_once/
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I tried playing water polo once

My horse drowned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71usx4/i_tried_playing_water_polo_once/
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Robbery gone right

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ura6/robbery_gone_right/
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I like my women like I like my gpa

Just a little above average

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71uqc7/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_gpa/
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I'm talking to my daughter, sister in law and my dad just now. SIL: Have you ever had a pedicure? Daughter: oh yeah I have. Me: I've given her a pedicure before.

Dad: so I guess you could call yourself a... pediphile.
*Ugh* thanks dad.
And yes this actually just happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71uol5/im_talking_to_my_daughter_sister_in_law_and_my/
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Original Male Sterilization Joke

A guy goes into the doctor for his baby-proofing surgery. He hops up on the table and says "OK, Doc! Let's get this tubal ligation going!".
The doctor looks up, annoyed. "This isn't a tubal ligation!"
"I know, I know," says the guy, "but it's all the same thing, pretty much."
"No it isn't!" says the Doctor. "There's a Vas Deferens!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71uoey/original_male_sterilization_joke/
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Ice cream

The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked.
She cheekily replied, "As hard as your cock when you're thinking about me naked!"
I said "Go on then, pour me a glass....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71unt7/ice_cream/
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What do you get when you cross black with white or yellow?

You get to the other side of the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71uhq5/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_black_with_white/
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A Cop Pulled me over,came up to window and said papers

I said "scissors, I win" and drove off... that fucker must really need a rematch because he's been chasing me for the last 20 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71uf6z/a_cop_pulled_me_overcame_up_to_window_and_said/
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I usually pay for my jokes, but today I'll give you one for free.

Jokes on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71uf24/i_usually_pay_for_my_jokes_but_today_ill_give_you/
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Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?

Dunno, they're just a bit shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71udxc/why_do_trees_seem_suspicious_on_sunny_days/
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Recktum

A man is speeding to get to work on time. Once he gets to the bridge he passes every day he sees a cop who has his speed radar gun aimed right at him. Fuck. The cop quickly turns his siren on and pulls the man over.
Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?"
Man: "Yes officer, it is very important that I am not late for work today..".
Cop: "What is it that you do that is so important?". Man: "I am a rectum stretcher.". Cop, a little interested in what the man just told him: "What in the Hell does a rectum stretcher do!?"
Man: "Well I start with just one finger then stretch until I can fit a few more. Then, I continue stretching it until a can get my whole hand in there and then I keep going so it is a foot tall, then 2 feet and so on until I finally get it to about 6 feet tall."
Cop, now completely baffled by the man: "What the fuck would you do with a six foot tall asshole!?"
Man: "I would give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge so he can make people even more late for work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ucs8/recktum/
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Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ucbh/neil_degrasse_tyson_is_finally_coming_to_give_a/
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A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.
Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck, and beat her.
Domestic violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ubf6/a_banjo_asked_a_fiddle_to_marry_him_dont_frett_he/
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A rabbi and a bishop get in an argument.

They each agree to go into the woods, find a bear, and try to convert it to their religion.
The next day, the bishop walks in and says that when he saw the bear, he preached the gospel truth of the Lord God and the bear happily got baptized.
He then says, "So, how did yours go?"
The rabbi looks up from his hospital bed and says, "In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
*NOTE: THIS IS NOT OC. I saw it in a book of Jewish jokes and thought you guys might like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71uaf1/a_rabbi_and_a_bishop_get_in_an_argument/
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71u7fh/someone_threw_a_bottle_of_omega_3_pills_at_me/
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What did the yoga instructor tell his landlord when he tried to evict him?

Namaste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71u760/what_did_the_yoga_instructor_tell_his_landlord/
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A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow
-wow thanks for the upvotes and gold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71u6pt/a_single_sperm_has_375_mb_of_dna_information_in/
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Why did the bill collector go after the gymnast?

Because he had outstanding balance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71u6co/why_did_the_bill_collector_go_after_the_gymnast/
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If you don't get your hair dyed...

...are you staying true to your roots?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71u3ho/if_you_dont_get_your_hair_dyed/
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A man calls the police station to report a house robbery

Man: an Asian man just broke into my house and took my wife's jewelry!
Operator: how do you know he is Asian?
Man: he's still trying to back out of my driveway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71u1n1/a_man_calls_the_police_station_to_report_a_house/
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The bartender said: "Sorry, we don't serve Time Travelers."

...
Two Time Travelers walk into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71tzey/the_bartender_said_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she didn't wear a seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71tqx5/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
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Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: “I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter”s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn’t even know that she smoked!”
“It gets worse than that,” says the second mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn’t even know that she drank!”
“Oh, it gets even worse than that,” says the third mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and you”ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn’t even know that she had a penis!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71tpbg/three_women_are_discussing_their_teenage_daughters/
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'What do we want!? A cure for tourettes!'

'When do we want it!? CUNT!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71tog6/what_do_we_want_a_cure_for_tourettes/
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"I'm sorry" and "my bad" basically mean the same thing

Except at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71to44/im_sorry_and_my_bad_basically_mean_the_same_thing/
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What's the difference between your wife and your wifi network?

Only one of them do you *want* to go down on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71tn5u/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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What is similar about studying farming and taking "yo mama" to the opera?

One is taking horticulture....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71tidb/what_is_similar_about_studying_farming_and_taking/
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What did the blonde say when the classroom bully stole her pencil?

I LITERALLY CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71tdpx/what_did_the_blonde_say_when_the_classroom_bully/
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I have a lot in common with batteries...

I'm also never included

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71t4zn/i_have_a_lot_in_common_with_batteries/
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What's white on the top and black on the bottom?

Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71t3l1/whats_white_on_the_top_and_black_on_the_bottom/
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What's the difference between a pope and a christmas tree ?

None, their balls are just for decoration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71sz8g/whats_the_difference_between_a_pope_and_a/
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We need to start giving hurricanes Arab names

Nobody is going to leave for Irma but if Muhammad was coming the whole country would evacuate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71sxsf/we_need_to_start_giving_hurricanes_arab_names/
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If you love white rice, and hate brown rice..

You're a ricist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71sxp9/if_you_love_white_rice_and_hate_brown_rice/
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Jesus was talking with the 12 apostles..

He said “Hey Guys, I can walk on water!”
They responded “No way”
And he said back “Yahweh!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71svs5/jesus_was_talking_with_the_12_apostles/
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My 75 y/o Scottish grandpa told me this at a family lunch.

A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.
"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"
"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thing."
"Aw Christ, Pete. I'm sorry about that."
"So, pissed off, I found a length of rope and tied her right leg to her stall so she wouldn't kick again and went back to milking her. I had this second pail just over half full when *CRASH* her left leg jolts and knocks it all over the floor. I'm fuming so I went and found another length of rope and tied her left leg to her stall nice and tight and propped the pail up again. No way to kick it over now, right?"
"Aye,"
"Well about a quarter full, her tail whips around the handle of the bucket and sends it flying. So I go stomping around looking for another length of rope but couldn't find anything. I thought, ah, this bitch deserves the belt anyways. So I took off the belt holding up my pants and tied her tail to the crossbeam above her stall."
"Don't tell me she kicked it over again."
"Nah, then my wife walked in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71sup1/my_75_yo_scottish_grandpa_told_me_this_at_a/
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What did the Native American say when Donald Trump promised to give their land back?

"I have my reservations"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71sqvp/what_did_the_native_american_say_when_donald/
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Wives are like grenades.

Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71slx9/wives_are_like_grenades/
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Two whales are sitting at a bar...

One whale says to the other whale,
"aroooooooooooclickclickarooooooooogggggggggaaaaaaaaaachirpchirpsarrrrrrooogggaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooogggaaaaaaaaaa " *whale sounds*
The other whale says, "Man you are fucked up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71sj9j/two_whales_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
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I'm thinking about becoming a Catholic..

Only because I haven't been touched sexually in years and I'm desperate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71sglm/im_thinking_about_becoming_a_catholic/
%
I have a French friend who is allergic to the number 8.

He's huit intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71sd17/i_have_a_french_friend_who_is_allergic_to_the/
%
Why is North Korea's literacy rate so high?

Because they have a supreme reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71s5jc/why_is_north_koreas_literacy_rate_so_high/
%
You shouldn't have unprotected phone sex

You might get hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71s326/you_shouldnt_have_unprotected_phone_sex/
%
If Lars Ulrich of Metallica provided religious support to Kermit and his friends

He'd be a pastor of muppets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ru63/if_lars_ulrich_of_metallica_provided_religious/
%
The Brick

*Hover over the answers to see them.  I don't know how to do proper spoilers in this sub.*
There are 500 brinks in an airplane.  You throw one out the door.  How many are left on the plane?
[Answer](/s "499")
How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
[Answer](/s "You open the door, you put it in, you close the door")
How do you put a rhino in the fridge?
[Answer](/s "Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the rhino and close the door.")
It's the lion king's birthday and all the animals are at the party except one.  Which is it?
[Answer](/s "The rhino, he's still in the fridge.")
An old lady walks through the vicious crocodile swamp, but doesn't get eaten.  Why not?
[Answer](/s "All the crocodiles are at the party. ")
At the end of the swamp the old lady suddenly drops dead.  What happened?
[Answer](/s "She got hit in the head with a brick.")

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71rsjg/the_brick/
%
A black guy walks into a bar

and asks for a drink.
Bartender: I like your accent, where are you from?
Guy: I'm Liberian!
Bartender:
&nbsp;
^^^*Oh* ^^^*sorry.* ^^^*I* ^^^*like* ^^^*your* ^^^*accent* ^^^*where* ^^^*are* ^^^*you* ^^^*from?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71rry3/a_black_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
One day, Mr. Red and Mrs. Red woke, and pulled back their red blanket from their red pajamas.

They stood, putting their red socks onto the red carpet. One day, Mr. Red and Mrs. Red woke, and pulled back their red blanket from their red pajamas, putting their red socks onto the red carpet. They freshened up, and dressed in their red clothes. They collected their red luggage and got into the red car. They pulled out onto the red streets, and passed through all the red lights. They made their way to the red airport, where they went through red customs and boarded the red plane. They taxied down the red runway, and took off into the red skies amidst the red clouds.
Suddenly, the red engines put out red smoke and the red plane fell in a reddish spiral to an island below, where they crashed in a mass of red wreckage. Mr. Red struggled out of the red plane's remains, surveyed the red island shore surrounding them, and cried aloud,
##"Oh no! We're marooned!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71rq1p/one_day_mr_red_and_mrs_red_woke_and_pulled_back/
%
Why can't blind people go skydiving?

It scares their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ro2i/why_cant_blind_people_go_skydiving/
%
A Brit and a Texan are talking. The Texan says "You know, I can get in my car and drive for 3 days and still be on my own land."

The Brit replies "I had a car like that once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71rkfx/a_brit_and_a_texan_are_talking_the_texan_says_you/
%
Most colleges have a women's studies major, but mine has a men's studies major too

It's called "history"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71rhu2/most_colleges_have_a_womens_studies_major_but/
%
An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71rh36/an_idiot_has_a_mirror_in_his_closet/
%
What did the judge put in his drink?

Just ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71rg2a/what_did_the_judge_put_in_his_drink/
%
What do you call a singing computer?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71rfko/what_do_you_call_a_singing_computer/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71rcnz/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
I opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer matts

Prophets are going through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71rcet/i_opened_a_company_selling_land_mines_disguised/
%
News just in:

Someone has been killed with a starter pistol !!!
Police think it might be race related..............

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71rcca/news_just_in/
%
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71rbku/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_guys_sitting_on/
%
Just securing my spot in hell.....

Did you hear about the accident at Country Buffet where a retard got ran over buy a car?
In respect for the family's loss they stop serving mashed potatoes for the rest of the day.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71rakl/just_securing_my_spot_in_hell/
%
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it's a hardware problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71r8k7/how_many_software_engineers_does_it_take_to/
%
Life is like a well paying job..

I need to get one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71r5hs/life_is_like_a_well_paying_job/
%
I thought about attending an orgy

But if I wanted to disappoint many people at once, I could just repost this joke on Reddit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71r27v/i_thought_about_attending_an_orgy/
%
If you clean your vacuum cleaner

You're making your vacuum cleaner,  and you're  a vacuum cleaner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71qv7l/if_you_clean_your_vacuum_cleaner/
%
I don't get why people love a mother's cooking.

9 months in the oven and you came out awful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71qtkc/i_dont_get_why_people_love_a_mothers_cooking/
%
First rule of Vegan club:

You tell everyone about Vegan club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71qso6/first_rule_of_vegan_club/
%
Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?

Because he wanted to find a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71qrly/why_did_the_walrus_go_to_the_tupperware_party/
%
My car was making a really strange noise last night. I went online to diagnose it...

Turns out, my car has cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71qpev/my_car_was_making_a_really_strange_noise_last/
%
Pedro and Maria

Pedro was sexually a very experienced man when he got married to Maria, but she was totally naive.
On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, 'Pedro! What is that?'
Pedro, a quick thinker, said, 'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.'
And then he proudly proceeded to demonstrate to her what it was for. Maria was pleased. After their honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work. On returning home in the evening after his first day at work posthoneymoon, Pedro found a very upset Maria waiting on their front porch.
'Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!'
Ever a fast thinker on his feet, Pedro said, 'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.'
A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home from work the following evening, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.
'Maria? Now what's wrong???'
'Damn it, Pedro! You gave the better one to Gonzalez!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71qmsm/pedro_and_maria/
%
A 60 year old Billionaire goes to the bar...

...with his gorgeous 25 year old wife!
The bartender asks him "how did she marry you?"
The billionaire replies " I lied about my age!"
Bartender: " You said 45?"
Billionaire: "No! I said 90!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71qi4o/a_60_year_old_billionaire_goes_to_the_bar/
%
I named my kid OP

Because I fucked OPs mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71qhsl/i_named_my_kid_op/
%
I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.

But I didn't see the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71qayq/i_thought_about_inventing_a_pencil_with_an_eraser/
%
What do you call an alarm that's been muted?

Clock blocked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71q9qh/what_do_you_call_an_alarm_thats_been_muted/
%
What do you call a policewoman with a shaven vagina?

Cunt stubble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71q6ra/what_do_you_call_a_policewoman_with_a_shaven/
%
What was Alzheimer's first name?

You don't remember? That's how it begins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71q4mr/what_was_alzheimers_first_name/
%
They played Do the Twist and i did the twist. They played Do the Hustle and i did the hustle. They played Come On Eileen....

...now I'm banned from the club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71q3ea/they_played_do_the_twist_and_i_did_the_twist_they/
%
“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.
“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”
“No, son, I have a wife.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71q3e0/what_does_the_word_gay_mean_asked_a_son_his_father/
%
When it comes first

When does a punchline not work?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71pxpd/when_it_comes_first/
%
Girlfriend said that she slept with 61 men before.

I doubt it, but she insisted that I was her sixty-second man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71pxd8/girlfriend_said_that_she_slept_with_61_men_before/
%
Me and my dad went fishing...

when he caught a small shark, he called it his dadliest catch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71pwce/me_and_my_dad_went_fishing/
%
It's well known that men can read maps better than women.

But that's because only men can convince themselves an inch is the same thing as 100 miles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71pul8/its_well_known_that_men_can_read_maps_better_than/
%
Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?

Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71psup/son_dad_am_i_adopted/
%
Statistics in Europe

In Europe, every manifestation of gay pride counted, on average, 100,000 people.
Each manifestation Against Corruption had on average about 2,500 people.
Statistically, it's proved that there are more people fighting for the right to fuck an ass, than to fight not to be fucked in the ass by politicians.
^credits: ^Miguel ^Esteves ^Cardoso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71pna9/statistics_in_europe/
%
A man goes into a local animal store

He asks the clerk for 50 baby chicks. Pleased with his purchase, he goes home to raise them. Two weeks later, the man is back again. He asks the clerk for 50 more baby chicks. The clerk says "Wow sir, it seems as if you're having a great success with your farm!" The man then responds, "Actually, I'm not. All of the chicks died for some reason." The clerk cheers up the man and sells him 50 more chicks. The man goes back home to raise them. Another 2 weeks pass and the man is back in the store again. Clearly annoyed he tells the clerk "Those chicks died again. May I have 50 more?" The clerk, sympathizing with the man, tells him "Yes, of course. Do you have any idea why those chickens died?" The man says "Yes, I do. I'm either planting them too close together or too far apart!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71pn1b/a_man_goes_into_a_local_animal_store/
%
Interviews are like terrible dates

You try your best to not be yourself and if you're lucky you get fucked by the other party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71pmza/interviews_are_like_terrible_dates/
%
Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?

because he doesn't want to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71pmju/why_does_waldo_wear_striped_clothes/
%
Squirrels are like cigarettes

The perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set in on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71pl8g/squirrels_are_like_cigarettes/
%
Why do you refer to a priest as "Father"?

He stopped wanting you to call him daddy after you turned 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71pki4/why_do_you_refer_to_a_priest_as_father/
%
A man and his wife are on a cruise

The ship capsizes but the man manages to get onto a lifeboat in time. However he notices that his wife is missing. Distraught he shouts.
-A 100$ to the man that can save my wife!
Upon hearing this several men jump into the water to rescue the wife. After some time a man comes up draging a woman behind him.
-Here's your wife. Now give me my 100$!
-That's not my wife, that's my mother-in-law!
-Shit... So how much do I owe you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71pk5e/a_man_and_his_wife_are_on_a_cruise/
%
What's the difference between a slut and a good girlfriend?

Good Girlfreinds dont sleep around JESSICA !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71pjhi/whats_the_difference_between_a_slut_and_a_good/
%
Watson found Holmes busily painting the front door bright yellow.

"What on earth is that, Holmes?"
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71peun/watson_found_holmes_busily_painting_the_front/
%
A young man was born in a rich family

He had everything handed to him, never having to work. One day though, his father gets arrested for tax evasion and the government takes everything from him. Depressed and afraid, without knowing how to react, the young man decides to kill himself. As he is about to jump of a bridge, he sees an old man with white hair and beard, dressed in red.
- What are you doing my boy?
- Leave me alone old man, I have decided to kill myself.
- Now, is that a way to talk to Santa Claus? Ho ho ho, tell me what you want for Christmas and I will give it to you.
- Really Santa? I would like to have my houses, my cars and my money back. Is something like that possible?
- Of course my boy, nothing is impossible for Santa, ho ho ho. Christmas magic is powerful you know.
- Oh Santa you saved me. Is there a way I can ever repay you?
- Well you could give me a blowjob.
- What? Really? Well i guess, I owe you, so...
After he gets down to business and the deed is done, the young man asks:
- So when will you bring my presents Santa?
- What was your name again my boy?
- Dave.
- And how old are you Dave?
- 30.
- Isn't 30 a bit too old to believe in Santa, Dave?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71pdon/a_young_man_was_born_in_a_rich_family/
%
A guy shows up late for work

The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why, what happened at 8:30?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71p6wl/a_guy_shows_up_late_for_work/
%
What's the difference between apathy and ignorance?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71p007/whats_the_difference_between_apathy_and_ignorance/
%
What is the most well behaved drink?

Tea because the others are not tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ozqz/what_is_the_most_well_behaved_drink/
%
A man walks into a costume party wearing nothing but blue jeans

The host looks at him and says, “what are you supposed to be?”
The guest replies, “I’m a premature ejaculation”
The host says, “okay but were are your shoes, shirt, and everything else?”
The guest replies, “ I just came in my pants!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ozdr/a_man_walks_into_a_costume_party_wearing_nothing/
%
Why did the student eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71owfw/why_did_the_student_eat_his_homework/
%
What do a double hinged gate and a bi-sexual have in common?

They swing both ways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71oute/what_do_a_double_hinged_gate_and_a_bisexual_have/
%
A guy and a girl go on a date and things get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place...

Some flirting and fooling around later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. Watching all this the girl says, ”You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, replies, “Why yes actually. How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she says, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
To which she responds,
"Didn't feel a thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71oryh/a_guy_and_a_girl_go_on_a_date_and_things_get/
%
What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They are both meat substitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71orpu/what_do_tofu_and_a_dildo_have_in_common/
%
I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71oplt/i_dont_like_the_term_anal_bleaching/
%
A man is standing in front of a mirror, admiring his penis

"Two inches more and I would be a king!"
His wife from behind him shouts "Two inches less, and you would be a queen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71oo8j/a_man_is_standing_in_front_of_a_mirror_admiring/
%
How can you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It isn't hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71onqc/how_can_you_spot_a_blind_man_on_a_nude_beach/
%
My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71on3i/my_girlfriends_parents_called_me_a_disgusting/
%
What do emos use to compress files?

.rawr files

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ogjv/what_do_emos_use_to_compress_files/
%
A gift from the neighbors

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71oghn/a_gift_from_the_neighbors/
%
Renting a dirty video

A blonde decides to do something she"s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back.
After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment there"s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says "I just rented an adult movie from you and there"s nothing on the tape, but static"
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "which title did you rent?"
The blonde replied, "it"s called Head Cleaner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ofy8/renting_a_dirty_video/
%
The doctor gave me 6 months to live. So I killed him

The Judge gave me 80 years. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71oepu/the_doctor_gave_me_6_months_to_live_so_i_killed/
%
I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71oeg9/i_named_my_kid_bob_ross/
%
The Jones and the Smiths decided to try swinging…

… so they left for the week-end to a mountain resort where they rented two cabins, and they swapped partners for the night.
The next morning, Joe Smith woke up, and said “let’s go see how the ladies are doing”…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71od8b/the_jones_and_the_smiths_decided_to_try_swinging/
%
What's something elephants can make but that other animals can't?

Baby elephants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71oby6/whats_something_elephants_can_make_but_that_other/
%
My wife's 82 year old grandmother told this joke today at our family dinner

A grandfather and grandmother were visiting their son and family for a night. The father asked the son if he could have one if his viagra. The son said yes but that he needed to leave $10 in the cabinet.
The next morning the son found $110 cash next to the bottle. He went to his father and said "Dad it was only $10, you made a mistake."
The grandfather responded "The $10 is from me and the $100 is from your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71o4rb/my_wifes_82_year_old_grandmother_told_this_joke/
%
Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71o33e/why_did_the_coffee_file_a_police_report/
%
Without the Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11

It'd be IX/XI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71nyis/without_the_arabs_we_wouldnt_have_911/
%
Why do men sleep on their sides?

Because they have a kickstand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71nxhi/why_do_men_sleep_on_their_sides/
%
I help blind kids.

Throwing acid usually does the trick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71nq42/i_help_blind_kids/
%
I've been making pottery by hand all day and boy howdy am I sore

You could say I'm Clay Aiken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71nnjm/ive_been_making_pottery_by_hand_all_day_and_boy/
%
I have a lot in common with Bambi.

When we were both little we saw one of our parents get blown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71nnas/i_have_a_lot_in_common_with_bambi/
%
Nun and Jesus

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71nlu9/nun_and_jesus/
%
Why is life like a roll of toilet paper...

Because sometimes you’re on a roll and sometimes you have to take shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71nj9u/why_is_life_like_a_roll_of_toilet_paper/
%
Trump has two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'.

In the left side, there's nothing right.
In the right side, there's nothing left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71nirl/trump_has_two_parts_of_brain_left_and_right/
%
When asked what sort of women he would consider sleeping with the pope replied

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71nigr/when_asked_what_sort_of_women_he_would_consider/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ng3r/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
How does a DNA molecule moisten a stamp?

Helix it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71nfzz/how_does_a_dna_molecule_moisten_a_stamp/
%
My Son Lied in School

Today I got a call from the school, saying he was lying about stealing from other students.
I don't have a son at school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71nb01/my_son_lied_in_school/
%
A CIA employee retired to start a kitchen remodeling business...

It's called counter intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71na68/a_cia_employee_retired_to_start_a_kitchen/
%
A girl once said to me she looks ugly and to give her a compliment....

i said her eyesight was perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71na46/a_girl_once_said_to_me_she_looks_ugly_and_to_give/
%
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71n4tg/why_do_scotsmen_wear_kilts/
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When I drink Alcohol, everybody says I'm an Alcoholic..

When I drink Fanta, nobody says I'm Fantastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71n3z5/when_i_drink_alcohol_everybody_says_im_an/
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What do you call a midget pornstar?

A quarter pounder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71n1dn/what_do_you_call_a_midget_pornstar/
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I asked my girlfriend what would she do if I had a scat fetish...

She said she'd **dump** me. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71mxc1/i_asked_my_girlfriend_what_would_she_do_if_i_had/
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71mx7l/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
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3 little old nuns are sitting on a park bench when a flasher flashes them

the first nun has a stroke,
the second nun has a stroke,
the third nun couldn't reach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71mwmm/3_little_old_nuns_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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A turkey and his friend are walking down a street...

When a ghost pops out and screams "Boo!". The friend screams in terror while the turkey has no reaction. A while later, the friend asked why the Turkey wasn't afraid. He responded "I'm not chicken".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71mvsc/a_turkey_and_his_friend_are_walking_down_a_street/
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What is a jawa's favorite style of pasta?

Rotini
Sorry, was picking out pasta for tuna casserole and it made me laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71muva/what_is_a_jawas_favorite_style_of_pasta/
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What do you call a bird that’s scared of its own shadow?

Chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71mjr5/what_do_you_call_a_bird_thats_scared_of_its_own/
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What do you call an unfaithful feline?

A cheetah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71mgqt/what_do_you_call_an_unfaithful_feline/
%
The other day i held the door open for a clown....

It was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71me7w/the_other_day_i_held_the_door_open_for_a_clown/
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Why can't Smokey The Bear and his wife have babies?

Because every time she gets hot, he beats her with a shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71mcsy/why_cant_smokey_the_bear_and_his_wife_have_babies/
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What did the cow say to her calf?

It's pasture bed time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71mbfr/what_did_the_cow_say_to_her_calf/
%
What's the difference between a good joke and

a bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71m5f9/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
%
A plus sign, a multiplication sign , and a minus sign walk into a bar.

The bartender serves the multiplication sign first, then he serves the plus sign, and the minus sign from left to right and a bunch of people from Facebook don't know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71m4tx/a_plus_sign_a_multiplication_sign_and_a_minus/
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My favorite hymn

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: Shall We Gather at the River."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71m4t8/my_favorite_hymn/
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A cheap parrot

A trucker's wife sees 3 parrots for sale at $160, $150, and $10.
She asks, "Why is the last parrot so cheap?!" and the store owner replied
"It used to live in a whore house."
So the woman laughs and buys the parrot and gets home. When she enters, the parrot says
"WOW, a new whore house!"
Later, the woman's two daughters arrive and the parrot says
"Damn! Two new gals just got hired!"
They all laugh and go to have dinner, which is when the father comes home. The parrot says
"Hey Dave! I see you found the new spot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71lxw5/a_cheap_parrot/
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Why was the Emo kicked out of the convention?

Because he was cutting in line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71lxe1/why_was_the_emo_kicked_out_of_the_convention/
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A small boy asks his dad, “Dad, what are politics?”

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71lwwk/a_small_boy_asks_his_dad_dad_what_are_politics/
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So I met a girl in the bar last night

She said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now"
So I took her back to my place and we started fooling around.
We got undressed and that's when I noticed the scars from the operation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ls1g/so_i_met_a_girl_in_the_bar_last_night/
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I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!

It was a great trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71lrta/i_just_got_a_new_set_of_golf_clubs_for_my_wife/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71lmlz/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_whos_afraid/
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What did the Asian man say to his wife when the hospital nursery tried to send them home with a blonde hair, blue-eye baby?

Hmmm... two Wongs don't make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ll0g/what_did_the_asian_man_say_to_his_wife_when_the/
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What do you call a fat Chinese person?

The Great Ball of China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ljth/what_do_you_call_a_fat_chinese_person/
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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.

This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard thepouf.
Before she even had a chanceto be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.  This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".
A few minutes laterthe woman had to let another one rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71lfri/a_woman_goes_to_her_boyfriends_parents_house_for/
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I have a face only my mother could love

And even she said we should just be friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71lfgq/i_have_a_face_only_my_mother_could_love/
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I asked my boss, "What's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71leh7/i_asked_my_boss_whats_the_difference_between_your/
%
Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ledi/coworker_asked_me_if_batman_who_is_a_regular/
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They said I'd get stronger if I hit the gym

they didn't mention it would hit back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ldzl/they_said_id_get_stronger_if_i_hit_the_gym/
%
Why was the math book sad?

Because it had so many problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71la4f/why_was_the_math_book_sad/
%
Three guys are stuck on an island.

Three guys are stuck on an island with no supplies to survive or give an SOS signal, so one of them starts digging to see if they can get fresh water. He instead finds a lamp and the genie pops out after he rubs it.
"I'm kinda tired today, so I'm only granting one wish each for the three of you," said the genie.
The first guy makes his wish and says, "I really miss my family and would like to be with them again, so I wish to be back home with my family," and the genie teleports him home.
The second guy doesn't take more than a second to wish for the same thing and is whisked away by the genie.
Finally the third guy makes his wish and says to the genie, "It's kinda lonely here, I wish those other two guys were back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71kzta/three_guys_are_stuck_on_an_island/
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How does a German bread greet you in the morning?

Gluten tag!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ky33/how_does_a_german_bread_greet_you_in_the_morning/
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Im going to join the flat Earth society.

They are very convincing and have members all around the globe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ks6k/im_going_to_join_the_flat_earth_society/
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A man goes to the doctor and says that everywhere on his body hurts when touched.

The doctor says; Your finger is broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71kh2h/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_that_everywhere/
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How do you make Holy Water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71kf75/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
skeleton walks to the counter

counter says 206
Explained: another meaning of counter is one who counts. skeleton has 206 bones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ke96/skeleton_walks_to_the_counter/
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Three nuns die and go to heaven.

They arrive at the gates of heaven where they meet St. Peter who says "you must each answer one question about religion to enter heaven."
St. Peter calls the first nun and asks "who was the first man on Earth?"
"Adam" she replies.
So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.
St. Peter asks the second nun "who was the first woman on Earth?"
"Eve" she replies.
So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.
St. Peter asks the third nun "what is the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
The nun panics for a second because she doesnt know the answer.
"Boy thats a hard one" she nervously replies.
So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ke8q/three_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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A psychologist has a party for all of her patients

She instructs everyone to come dressed as an emotion. As the party begins, she sees her first patient come in dressed in all red. The psychologist asks her "what are you dressed as" and the patient replies "I'm dressed as anger and rage." The next patient comes in and is dressed in all blue. The psychologist ask what he is dressed as and he tells her "I'm dressed as sorrow". Next patient comes in dressed in yellow. The psychologist says "what are you dressed as?" She responds "I'm dressed as happiness and delight". Then she sees her black patient Leroy come into the party, completely naked with a pear on the end of his dick. The psychologist goes up to him and says "Leroy, you are at my party completely naked with a pear on your penis. What on earth are you doing?" And Leroy says "what do you mean what am I doing? You told me to come to this party dressed as an emotion and I am." The psychologist in disbelieve says "what emotion could you possibly be???" He tells her "I'm deeply in dis pear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71k8iy/a_psychologist_has_a_party_for_all_of_her_patients/
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Why did the cross eyed teacher get fired?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71k66r/why_did_the_cross_eyed_teacher_get_fired/
%
With Ryanair, the price of your Flight Ticket does not include baggage or meals.

Now it doesn't even include your flight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71k3zc/with_ryanair_the_price_of_your_flight_ticket_does/
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A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71jyev/a_chess_joke_whats_the_difference_between_a_rook/
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Why was the pig late turning in his college essay?

His printer was out of oink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71jtcg/why_was_the_pig_late_turning_in_his_college_essay/
%
I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71js56/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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What do you call a billion white supremacists?

1KKK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71jnmu/what_do_you_call_a_billion_white_supremacists/
%
A driver is stopped by the police...

The officer says:
-Congratulations! You are the 100th person who has remembered to use a seatbelt today, and therefore you have won $1000. What will you spend the money on?
Driver:
-Well, a driving license I think?
The passenger sitting next to him hurries to say:
-You should not listen to him, he's drunk!
A sound is heard from the back seat:
-I knew stealing a car was a bad idea.
At the same time, a foreign accent is heard from the trunk:
-Have we passed the border yet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71jme2/a_driver_is_stopped_by_the_police/
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A Wife Gets Naked.....

and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71jlmt/a_wife_gets_naked/
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What’s Lady Gaga’s favorite kind of meat?

Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71jlhv/whats_lady_gagas_favorite_kind_of_meat/
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Dear Sir,

Thank you very much for the lovely picture of your wife. However, the title of our competition is "Fact Hunt".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71jkl2/dear_sir/
%
A man took an airline company to court after losing his luggage

He lost his case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71jjmd/a_man_took_an_airline_company_to_court_after/
%
What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland ?

Well, the flags a plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ji9l/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
My ex-wife told me I was close minded and I should try everything once...

I suggested we try divorce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71jfd6/my_exwife_told_me_i_was_close_minded_and_i_should/
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20 AMAZING Reasons Click Bait Still Works!

1. People are stupid enough to click things that grab their attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71jec1/20_amazing_reasons_click_bait_still_works/
%
Why are women like a Hurricane?

They come at you all hot and wet and leave you without a house or car...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71je6l/why_are_women_like_a_hurricane/
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Don't laugh!

A nurse got a new job at a new hospital. Her boss thought that she knew everything about the job, except for ONE THING: "Never laugh at a patient, no matter what."
"Of course I won't laugh," the nurse said. "I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
Three days later, the hospital received a new patient that the nurse was in charge of. "I have a problem with my sexual organs," the man said. "Okay, just drop your trousers for me," the nurse responded.
"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71jahb/dont_laugh/
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Which is worse? Ignorance or Apathy?

I don't know, and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71j8u3/which_is_worse_ignorance_or_apathy/
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I tried stealing someone's Earl Grey once…

…but it wasn't my cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71j63y/i_tried_stealing_someones_earl_grey_once/
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I threw a Chinese guy down the stairs

It was Wong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71j04l/i_threw_a_chinese_guy_down_the_stairs/
%
A Rabbi and a Priest are walking down the street when a young boy passes by

The priest exclaims "Let's screw him!"
The rabbi says "Outta what? He's a kid"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ivc8/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_are_walking_down_the_street/
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What goes in dry and hard, but comes out wet and soft?

Chewing gum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71isij/what_goes_in_dry_and_hard_but_comes_out_wet_and/
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There is no “I” in a team

But there is 5 in “Individual Brilliance”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71iqoo/there_is_no_i_in_a_team/
%
What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71iq5a/what_do_lawyers_wear_to_court/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ipfm/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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So they just announced the title to the tenth fast and furious movie..

Fast10: Your Seatbelts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ipbi/so_they_just_announced_the_title_to_the_tenth/
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I dropped some Viagra down a wishing well.

Just so I could get my hopes up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ip5p/i_dropped_some_viagra_down_a_wishing_well/
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I was breastfed until 3

But enough about my day, how was yours?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ip2k/i_was_breastfed_until_3/
%
A panda walks into a bar.

He sits down at a table and orders a sandwich. When the waiter brings him his check he pulls out a gun, shoots him and starts walking towards the door.
The bartender shouts over to him "hey, what'd you do that for?"
The panda says "I'm a panda buddy, look it up!"
The bartender quickly looks up the definition and sees:
Panda- Bear from Central and Western China forests with black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71imq7/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife and I are both feminists, but as a man,

I'm better at it than she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ilcq/my_wife_and_i_are_both_feminists_but_as_a_man/
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What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71il4n/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....

He then asks the bartender “why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling?” The bartender says “well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else’s drinks for the next hour.” The guy ponders for a minute and then says, “I would do it, but the stakes are too high.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ikth/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_three_steaks/
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How many gynecologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'm asking because mine had to call like six other guys in to help him, and I'm really starting to wonder why I needed one installed down there in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ij66/how_many_gynecologists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Guy running the ski-lift said it would be $50 to get to the top of the mountain...

I said "that's a bit steep."
He said "exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ieph/guy_running_the_skilift_said_it_would_be_50_to/
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Where y'all from?

Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together.
One of them's from Georgia, one of them's from Connecticut.
The girl from Connecticut's helping her mother put up curtains.
Girl from Georgia turns to them and says, "Hi. Where y'all from?"
Girl from Connecticut says, "We're from a place where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition."
The girl from Georgia says, "Oh, beg my pardon. Where y'all from...cunt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ido7/where_yall_from/
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It's been a year that I started working out to lose 10 pounds...

Only 12 more to go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71icqh/its_been_a_year_that_i_started_working_out_to/
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I fell sick in an airport....

....it was a terminal illness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ibq6/i_fell_sick_in_an_airport/
%
My dog Minton ate my shuttlecock the other day

Bad Minton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ib1j/my_dog_minton_ate_my_shuttlecock_the_other_day/
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Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas.

After the winter, they meet up again. The Texas lion is all skin and bones by the end of it.
The New Mexico lion says, "What the hell happened to you? You must have been doing something wrong with your hunting."
The Texas lion says, "I don't know, I tried the trusted methods. I'd roar real loud, then I'd go and jump on them."
The New Mexico lion laughs at him. "You know that won't work on Texans. First of all, when you roar you scare the shit out of 'em. When you pounce, you knock the wind out of 'em. With a Texan, all you're left with is buckles and boots."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ia56/two_lions_split_up_their_territory_one_takes_new/
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When it comes to the limbo...

I'm raising the bar!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71i9ai/when_it_comes_to_the_limbo/
%
What do you call a waffle that you dropped on the beach?

San Diego

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71i78d/what_do_you_call_a_waffle_that_you_dropped_on_the/
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How does a Donkey make its living?

Eeyores himself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71i1df/how_does_a_donkey_make_its_living/
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You know you're addicted to games...

When you walk into the bank and see a camera and your first instinct is to take your 9mm pistol to shoot it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71i0oc/you_know_youre_addicted_to_games/
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A Prostitute asked a Doctor to make another hole near her asshole.

The doctor was surprised and asked why?
She answered,"Business is going well,I want to open another Branch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71hvua/a_prostitute_asked_a_doctor_to_make_another_hole/
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If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year

Would it release nine eleven next year
Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71humq/if_apple_released_iphone_8_and_10_this_year/
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Wanna hear a joke about anti-jokes?

Nah, it's not very good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71hsqt/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_antijokes/
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What is Jason Voorhees's favorite country?

Chi-chi-chi Na-na-na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71hqag/what_is_jason_voorheess_favorite_country/
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Would you like to hear a telepathic joke?

Would you like to hear another one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71hnoy/would_you_like_to_hear_a_telepathic_joke/
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[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"
Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"
Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"
Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"
Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.
Little Joe: "Granddad, how much does your wiener weigh?"
Granddad: "I don't know, but it must be a lot, because your grandmother can't get it up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71hn7h/nsfw_how_much_does_your_wiener_weigh/
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It's impossible to describe the trauma of being the child of an abusive mason.

But it's twenty years later and I'm still shitting bricks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71hfbm/its_impossible_to_describe_the_trauma_of_being/
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i wish I could be ugly for 1 day

being ugly everyday sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71he6x/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_1_day/
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If the Vision movie comes out in 2020...

The Marvel marketing group will have a field day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71h9ib/if_the_vision_movie_comes_out_in_2020/
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Colorado Springs police are looking for the 'Mad Pooper'.

The jogger is suspected in a shit-and-run incident. She's been declared public enemy number two. So far they've been unable to flush her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71h6xh/colorado_springs_police_are_looking_for_the_mad/
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I farted on the bus and 4 people turned around

I felt like I was on the voice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71h1eb/i_farted_on_the_bus_and_4_people_turned_around/
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Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71h037/some_say_that_if_you_play_nickelback_backwards/
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What's the difference between ironman and ironwoman?

One's a superhero, the other is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71gwt4/whats_the_difference_between_ironman_and_ironwoman/
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I dated a cross-eyed chick, but I had to dump her

I thought she was seeing someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71grz3/i_dated_a_crosseyed_chick_but_i_had_to_dump_her/
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I didn't signup for the 401K at work

because I don't think there is anyway I could run that far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71glw3/i_didnt_signup_for_the_401k_at_work/
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How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One or two? One or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71gkpq/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?

Cacao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71gev2/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_a_stutter_that_makes/
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What are the three fastest methods of communication?

Telegraph
Telephone
Tell a woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71gelu/what_are_the_three_fastest_methods_of/
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The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71gd3g/the_year_2020_is_going_to_be_filled_with_so_many/
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A woman is walking around a grocery store...

...completing her shopping list.  When she finally collects what she came for, she makes her way to the cashier and unloads her basket onto the conveyer.
The clerk begins to ring up her items;
He grabs her container of mixed salad greens and passes it over the barcode scanner.  'BOOP' sounds off the machine.
Then he grabs her bottle of white wine and scans it. 'BOOP'.
A gallon of cookie dough ice cream. 'BOOP'.
She just stands there, not smiling, not saying a word.
The cashier handles a bag of cat food.  'BOOP'.
Five assorted flavors of yogurt cups. 'BOOP', 'BOOP', 'BOOP', 'BOOP', 'BOOP'.
Cosmo mag, cheesy romantic comedy DVD, package of AA batteries. 'BOOP', 'BOOP', 'BOOP'.
Finally, breaking the awkward silence, the cashier says, "You must be single."
The woman, looking up, while a hint of a sparkle gleamed in her eye, replied, "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're fuckin' ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71gcyf/a_woman_is_walking_around_a_grocery_store/
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I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids

I'm a faux pa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71g5yk/i_tell_dad_jokes_but_i_have_no_kids/
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Why can't Kylie Jenner see her dad anymore?

Because he's transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71g4h3/why_cant_kylie_jenner_see_her_dad_anymore/
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The Moth Joke

So, a moth walks into a podiatrist's office. The podiatrist asks "What seems to be the problem?" The Moth responds:
"Oh, Doctor Gregory Illonivich,  I've aged so very much. I wake up in bed every morning-weak and out of breath- and I roll over to see this old lady that I don't know any more sleeping next to me. I used to have such love for her, my Natasha, but I don't anymore.  My heart is a hollow shell in my chest.
"My daughter, Sonya, was supposed to be married, but her fiance died in the war. Now, she just walks around the house, too young to be the widow that she is. Even worse, my son, Alexi...I don't love him anymore. Not since he was dishonorably discharged for deserting last Spring.
"I look at him and I think that I see the same cowardice that I hate in myself. A cowardice that I wish I could shake off just a little bit, just enough that I can take that loaded pistol out of my night stand drawer and bite down on the barrel."
Dr. Gregory Illonivich, horrified by what he's heard, thinks about it for a second. "Moth," he says, "You don't need a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist!" The Moth nods his head.
"Yes, I know."
"Well, then why did you come here?"
"Oh, the light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71g2w9/the_moth_joke/
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I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car.

When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company. They were there to cut off the electricity. My dad beat the crap out of me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71g2lz/i_remember_once_when_my_dad_gave_me_money_to_pay/
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I wanted to learn how to juggle...

...but I don't have the balls for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71fxtg/i_wanted_to_learn_how_to_juggle/
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When I die I want my remains scattered at Disneyland.

But I don't want to be cremated first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71fw7n/when_i_die_i_want_my_remains_scattered_at/
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I just found out my boyfriend is gay.

I had been suspecting it for a while, but it wasn't until he sucked my dick that I knew for sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71fugh/i_just_found_out_my_boyfriend_is_gay/
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What kind of drug can you genetically engineer a goat to make?

Am-feta-mines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71fsog/what_kind_of_drug_can_you_genetically_engineer_a/
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A woman walks into a bank in New York City and says she's going to Europe for 2 weeks, and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank clerk says they'll need some kind of collateral, and she hands them the keys to a brand-new Rolls-Royce parked in front of the bank.
The bank's president and others enjoy a good laugh at the woman for using a $250,000 Rolls-Royce as collateral for a $5,000 loan. A bank employee then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which is $25.41. The loan officer says "Miss, we are happy to have your business, but we’re a little puzzled. We checked you out, and you're a multi-millionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $25.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71fovd/a_woman_walks_into_a_bank_in_new_york_city_and/
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What do you call it when a clown farts?

Laughing gas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71f9hw/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_clown_farts/
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I've spent the last 4 years looking for my ex-boyfriend's killer

But no one will do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71f7vh/ive_spent_the_last_4_years_looking_for_my/
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"There's no 'I' in team"

"But there's a whole lot of 'U' in shut the fuck up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71f5qx/theres_no_i_in_team/
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I bought a trash compactor for my ex-wife

Or, as Victoria Secret calls it - a corset

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71f5p5/i_bought_a_trash_compactor_for_my_exwife/
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Why doesn't a pirate take a shower before he walks the plank?

'Cause he'll just wash up on shore later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71f3cf/why_doesnt_a_pirate_take_a_shower_before_he_walks/
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Why can’t Steven hawking drive

Because he has no motor function

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71f1fe/why_cant_steven_hawking_drive/
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Dad! I just whored myself!

Dad! i just whored myself! I made $1200.25 last night!
What sonovabish gave you 25¢!?
THEY ALL DID!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71esmn/dad_i_just_whored_myself/
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Patient- Can I use anesthesia on myself ?

Doctor- Sure, knock yourself out !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71erxh/patient_can_i_use_anesthesia_on_myself/
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My friend got two minors on his driving test and still passed

But when I ran over a child this morning everyone lost their shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71eg71/my_friend_got_two_minors_on_his_driving_test_and/
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What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?

Insert bill here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ed02/what_do_monica_lewinsky_and_a_vending_machine/
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Hookers are like Walmarts

We joke about them during the day but at 4 in the morning we're so glad to be inside one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71eah5/hookers_are_like_walmarts/
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Piano player wanted

A man sees a sign outside a bar that says 'Piano player wanted', he goes in and the boss has him play a song. The man plays the most beautiful song and the boss asks what it's called. The man says "Fuck your dog". The boss, taken aback asks him to play another, he does and the boss cries from how beautiful this song is, he asks the title and the man says "Rape your mother with shit on your balls". The boss agrees to hire him on the condition he never tell anyone the titles. His first night, he takes a break from playing and uses the bathroom. On his way back, a man stops him and says "Do you know your fly is down and your cock is hanging out?" The guy says, "Know it?! I wrote it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71e6x4/piano_player_wanted/
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THE PENIS STUDY

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study.
After $250,000.00, and three years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep the man's hand from flying off the penis while masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71dzju/the_penis_study/
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Have you ever wondered if someone made it to their destination?

There there, they're there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71dyku/have_you_ever_wondered_if_someone_made_it_to/
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I jack off so much

They called it apprenticebating until I came along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71dyih/i_jack_off_so_much/
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My love for you is like a candle.

If you ignore me I will burn your house down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71dygh/my_love_for_you_is_like_a_candle/
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Here's a bit of family-friendly ADD humor, compliments of my wife and daughter

So, my wife, children, and myself were out in town the other day. My wife was reprimanding our daughter for not listening and for not paying attention to things going on. The conversation went as follows (names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved):
Jane (wife): Jill, I understand that you are only 9, but you've got to learn to pay more attention.
Jill (daughter): I know mom, I know! But I was only trying to sing with John (son) so he would be happy!
Jane: And I get that, Jill, but the fact is you weren't paying attention. That caused John to walk right into the buggy and hit his head, baby.
Jill: But it's not my fault, mom! He wasn't paying attention!
Jane: He's only 2, sweety. Sometimes that - (sudden interruption)
Jill: MOM!!!
Jane: What?! What is it sweety, what's wrong?!
Jill: (pointing excitedly and bouncing in her seat) A horse mama, a horse!!! Do you see it?! Do you?! In that trailer?!
Jane: (facepalms and glares at me) ...no, sweety, I don't.  Now, back to our discussion...
Jill: What discussion?
Jane: (glare at me intensifies, and she whispers to me) I suppose it's hereditary, then? (turns back to Jill) The one about paying attention to your brother.
Jill: Oh... What happened to him? I love horses, mom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71dycz/heres_a_bit_of_familyfriendly_add_humor/
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How do you make sports more manly?

Add a second ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71dybh/how_do_you_make_sports_more_manly/
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Technology...

Two guys... Hey do you think that someday technology will replace paper?... Well I think it will be quite hard to wipe with a tablet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71dxfi/technology/
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TIL that Swedish Fish are actually shaped like Sweden, not fish.

Yeah, it turns out the fish part is a red herring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71dvj0/til_that_swedish_fish_are_actually_shaped_like/
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What do Ginger Baker and 7/11 Coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71du1m/what_do_ginger_baker_and_711_coffee_have_in_common/
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Scientists at NASA

reported today that they had discovered feline life on Mars. Unfortunately, the Mars rover that discovered the specimen also ran over it just minutes later. Said one scientist "We were all really excited until Curiosity killed the cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71dscf/scientists_at_nasa/
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Did you hear about the Pepsi employee that got fired?

Turns out they found coke in his system and fired him on the spot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71doea/did_you_hear_about_the_pepsi_employee_that_got/
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My first post on here!

Here it is:
A man is spending his first day in prison and is about to go to bed. Right before he falls asleep, he hears a shuffle and all of the Prisoners are awake and shuffling to the edge of their cell.
One man shouts "I'll go first. 6821!" And everyone laughs.
Another man shouts "Me next! 1320!" And the prisoners are laughing hysterically.
The man, now confused, gets up and walks over to his cellmate.
"Hey man. Why is everyone shouting random numbers and why do people laugh after a number is called?"
His cellmate then responds with "We are telling jokes. We do it every night. There is a book of 9999 jokes that this prison has. Everyone has read the book and memorized it. Instead of retelling the entire joke over again, we just shout out the Joke number. It's easier and we all know what each other are talking about."
The man loved this idea. He was excited to get his hands on this book. The next morning, he strolled on down to the library and took out the book. He spent the entire day reading all 9999 jokes and picking out his favorites.
Night time rolled around and once the guards left, the prisoners all got up and walked to the edge of their cell.
The first prisoner shouted "8231" and was followed by laughs.
The next prisoner followed it up by shouting "3315" which was caused the prison to burst out into laughter.
The man was now feeling ready. He then shouted "4712". The entire prison went silent.
The man was feeling upset and turned to his cellmate and asked "What's wrong? I read the entire joke book, picked out a funny one and no one laughed. What did I do wrong?" The cellmate responded with:
"Some people just don't know how to tell jokes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71dk0x/my_first_post_on_here/
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Went to school with this girl who wouldn't leave me alone.

She was constantly pounding on my door and yelling. I finally gave up and let her out of the basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71dim5/went_to_school_with_this_girl_who_wouldnt_leave/
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My dad is like a boomerang.

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71df4y/my_dad_is_like_a_boomerang/
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You're the worst fucking train driver ever," said my boss. "How many trains have you derailed to date?"

"It's hard to keep track," I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ddtc/youre_the_worst_fucking_train_driver_ever_said_my/
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kissed by a vampire?

Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71d7ex/kissed_by_a_vampire/
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My girlfriend accused of cheating the other day...

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71d675/my_girlfriend_accused_of_cheating_the_other_day/
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A woman is doing some grocery shopping...

She's going to the checkout line and the cashier says:
"Coke... mayo... some corn flakes... a bottle of wine... some chips. Let me guess, you're single right?"
The lady goes "Well... yeah, how do you know?"
The cashier answers, "Because you're ugly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71d5gr/a_woman_is_doing_some_grocery_shopping/
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When a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment

But when a woman talks dirty to a man it's 4.95 a minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71d3vo/when_a_man_talks_dirty_to_a_woman_its_sexual/
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How does Jesus make his tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71d2qg/how_does_jesus_make_his_tea/
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What is the difference between a woman and a laundry machine?

The laundry machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71d0yu/what_is_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
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Teacher, I can't work with radicals!

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71d0sl/teacher_i_cant_work_with_radicals/
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People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs

That's nonsense - what about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71czwp/people_complain_about_a_lack_of_women_in_tech_jobs/
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Robot

A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to
the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious so he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and
says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR,
Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will
try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The
guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"SO, you people still pissed off that Hillary lost the election?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71cw7f/robot/
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A woman in labor

suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!""Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71cvi8/a_woman_in_labor/
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What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71cupj/whats_the_most_effective_way_to_get_rid_of_crabs/
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Wife gets even

So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still cant cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still cant f*ck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71cup1/wife_gets_even/
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Grandpa & Grandson

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71cuix/grandpa_grandson/
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So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo

one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71cru7/so_this_guy_at_college_keeps_calling_me_a_flamingo/
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Why Did Jesus Have Perfect Abs?

He did CrossFit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71cr1w/why_did_jesus_have_perfect_abs/
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I got into a fight with a moving staircase.

It just escalated so quickly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71cq1l/i_got_into_a_fight_with_a_moving_staircase/
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Helvetica and times new roman walk into a bar

helvetica and times new roman walk into a bar,"Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71co3f/helvetica_and_times_new_roman_walk_into_a_bar/
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You should never generalize women.

It's wrong to make broad assumptions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71cm8n/you_should_never_generalize_women/
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A woman walks into the kitchen to find her husband with his dick deep in the peanutbutter jar. She screams:

ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71cj5q/a_woman_walks_into_the_kitchen_to_find_her/
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A man goes to Spain to see a bullfight.

After the fight, he heads to a restaurant nearby, where the waiter offers him to try their special: *cojones*. The man, although hesitant, accepts and ends up having a delicious meal. Having never *cojones* before,  he asks the waiter what it is. "Well, sir," the waiter replies, "after the fight, if the bull loses, we cut off its testicles and serve it as a delicacy." Although mildly perturbed, the man leaves the restaurant content.
The next day, he returns to the restaurant and orders the same thing. The waiter delivers it to him, and, albeit the *cojones* are smaller than last time, they are still just as delicious. After he's done, he calls the waiter and tells him, "This was very delicious, but I have to ask. Why were the *cojones* smaller than the ones I had yesterday?"
"Well, sir," the waiter says with a smile. "The bull doesn't always lose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71cfqb/a_man_goes_to_spain_to_see_a_bullfight/
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I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend.

I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ceyc/i_recruited_a_nice_little_girl_and_her_cute/
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3 Generations of Prostitutes Sitting in a Room Together

The daughter turns to her mother and says "I can't believe it! I'm only getting $50 for giving blowjobs!".
The mother says, "$50! Back in my day we were lucky to get $20 for that!"
The grandmother chimes in "$20! Back in my day we were lucky just to have something warm in our bellies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ceb5/3_generations_of_prostitutes_sitting_in_a_room/
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What's blue and fucks old ladies?

Me and my nice new blue velvet jacket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71cdej/whats_blue_and_fucks_old_ladies/
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What's Spider-Man's favourite class?

Web development.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71cawj/whats_spidermans_favourite_class/
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A teacher hands out Jolly Ranchers to her kindergarten class...

And she decides to make a game out of it. "We'll all eat the candy at the same time, and whoever guesses what flavor it is first wins a prize!"
They all try the first Jolly Rancher. "Grape!" shouts little Suzy, and she wins a prize.
The second Jolly Rancher takes them a bit more thinking, but eventually little Johnny figures it out: "Raspberry!", and he wins a prize.
The third Jolly Rancher stumps the entire class: it's honey, a new Jolly Rancher flavor. The teacher watches them all suck away, thinking what it could be. She decides to give them a hint: "It's something your parents call each other," she suggests.
Suddenly little Timmy spits his out in disgust. "Don't swallow it guys!" he shouts in terror. "It's asshole!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71cafr/a_teacher_hands_out_jolly_ranchers_to_her/
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How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71c7v3/how_did_metallica_get_people_to_stop_pirating/
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So there's this guy...

So there's this guy, and he's got an ant farm, but not like a normal ant farm, it's like a regular farm that's run by ants, and one day the ant in charge of the farmer ants says to the guy 'hey guy, we're workin our thoraxes off tryin to harvest these crops but it's real tough, boss. See they're all the way up in the trees and we're super small, i think we need some bigger ants to help us get the job done.'
So the guy's like 'shit i guess i did notice that production's been pretty minimal, i guess i could try to get you some bigger ants. Aren't most of you pretty much all the same size though?'
And the ant's all 'yo that's racist.'
So they guy's like 'whoa whoa whoa i didn't mean it like that, just relatively in size to a tree. Look i'll go right now to get us some taller ants to help your team.'
So the guy goes to the unemployment center in town and asks around for some tall ants but they've all been hired by other farms that can offer health insurance. He tried to recruit some practice squad players in the ant basketball league but couldnt match their salaries. He even tried to convince an ant warden to give him his tallest ants in a prisoner work release program but the warden wanted a percentage of everything sold and one of the tall ant inmates spit on the guy while he was there, so he decided that wouldn't work either.
He was walking down the street tired, frustrated, and desperate when he came across a super tall homeless ant holding a 'will work for food' sign. So the guys really excited thinking he's found his solution and explains to the hobo ant that his farmer ants aren't tall enough and the homeless ant starts laughing in his face.
"Maaaaan you don't need bigger ants, you need smaller trees!" Said the ant.
The guy was shocked at how simple and elegant the hobo ant's solution was, but also furious that he'd spent an entire day looking for tall ants. He decided he needed a drink to ease his mind so he stopped in the nearest bar.
So the guy goes to the bartender, "hey barkeep lemme get 4 shots of the strongest booze you got."
And the bartender's like "brother i've got some moonshine that'll melt your face off but it's crazy strong, you sure you want 4 shots?"
And the guy says, "look man i've had a nightmare of a day, i know my limits, trust me i can handle my shit."
So the bartender's like "allright man if you insist" and he lines up four shots of the moonshine and the guy wastes no time and throws em back, one after another, slams down the fourth shot glass, and then immediately projectile vomits all over the bar, including on the bartender.
The bartender's fuckin piiiiiiissed and yells "what the fuck man!? You said you could handle your shit!! What is your problem!?!?"
And the guy wipes his mouth and says "duuuuude sorry, i thought i hadda hire taller ants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71c6o2/so_theres_this_guy/
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Billy really wanted to ask Suzy to the prom but he was so nervous he waited until the day before to ask her...

He walks up to Suzy in the hall and says "Suzy, I know it's the day before, but... Would you go to the prom with me?"
Suzy is surprised, and a little taken back, "I didn't think you were going to ask me. Yes, I would love to go with you!"
"Really?! Oh boy, ok!" And our hero Billy runs off to get ready, except he waited too long...
Billy first went to the tuxedo rental shop to get a suit, but it was the day before and there was a 2 hour line. After waiting the 2 hours he finally gets to the front and asks for a tux.
"We're all out", said the clerk bluntly.
"Oh, no, you don't understand. Suzy, the prom! I need a suit!" cries Billy.
"OK OK, there is one but it's a week old, hasn't been washed. There's puke In one of the pockets, the crotch seam is bus-"
"I'll take it.", Billy insists, and off he goes to the flower store where there was another 2 hour line! After another tedious wait he gets to the front only to be informed they had no more flowers at all.
"But the prom! Suzy!" Billy protested.
"Ok, fine. There's this corsage from a few days ago someone didn't pick up. It's falling apart and withered, I'm pretty sure it was for a funeral which I didn't know was a thing... But full price, sorry." Billy accepts and takes his prize, then bounds off to the limo rental. But you guessed it, another 2 hour line... Finally he gets to the front, but the guy is closing shop, and Billy makes his desperate plea.
"I must have a limo for Suzy tomorrow, please help me sir!". Begrudgingly, the man acquiesces.
"There's one but you're not gonna like it. Bachelor party gone wrong... 'Rode hard and put away wet' is on the tag. We might have to scrap it."
Billy said, "I'll take it."
The next evening Billy gathers up his tokens and heads off to meet his lady. He arrives at her house, her father answers the door and gives him a mean mug. Suzy descends the staircase. Back-lit slow motion to a power ballad. She is resplendent, the image of beauty.
"Wow Suzy you look amazing."
"So... Do you, Billy." Suzy replied, looking him up and down.
"Shall we go?" said Billy.
"Yes, let's." said Suzy.
They arrive at the dance and have a wonderful time. They saw friends and laughed and even had a special moment. That one song was playing, and the lighting was just right. Suzy closed her eyes and leaned in, they shared their first kiss.
"Billy I've had such a great time tonight. Thank you for everything you've done for me, you really made me feel special... I- I think I love you, Billy"
"Wow Suzy, you mean it?"
"Yea, I do."
"Well, I love you too Suzy. I'm so happy."
"Me too. All of this dancing has got me parched, would you get me something to drink?"
"Of course, anything for you!"
And wouldn't you know it folks, our man Billy got to the snack table early, and there was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71c59d/billy_really_wanted_to_ask_suzy_to_the_prom_but/
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Why do CSGO terrorists hate the desert?

Because they don't want de dust 2 get in their eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71c4hk/why_do_csgo_terrorists_hate_the_desert/
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What's brown and rhyme with snoop?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71c3j0/whats_brown_and_rhyme_with_snoop/
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What do you call a girl with no tits?

You don't call her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71c2fx/what_do_you_call_a_girl_with_no_tits/
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Vatican isn't actually landlocked.

It has the Holy See.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71bxyl/vatican_isnt_actually_landlocked/
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Painter

Robert's son is a great painter.
He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom.
His teacher broke her nails trying to pick it up.
She called his father on the phone to complain about the kid and explain what happened.
The father from his hospital bed responds..."You got lucky Madam. At home that idiot drew a vagina on the power outlet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71bvc9/painter/
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Guy walks up to a fat girl in the bar and asks: "Hey do you have a pen?"

She replies: "why yes I do"
Guy: "well you better get back there before the farmer gets mad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71bv5s/guy_walks_up_to_a_fat_girl_in_the_bar_and_asks/
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A man is tasked with setting out Christmas decorations on a submarine

He spends all night thinking about it, and eventually decides on a Christmas tree. He spends hours putting the tree up, adding tinsel, baubles, and finally the star on top. He takes a step back, and looks proudly at his work. But when he comes back to it later, he finds it torn down.
The next night, he goes back to the drawing board, deciding he needs to do something much more creative than a Christmas tree. In the morning, he goes to the same spot, and sets up his perfect decoration idea, an upright piece of wood, with a ring of flowers and leaves on top of it. As soon as this is seen by the other crew members, they erupt into cheering and applause.
"Amazing work" Says his boss. But the man asks, "Why did you take down the Christmas tree, but not this one?"
His boss replies, "The only things we like on this sub are wreath posts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71btwu/a_man_is_tasked_with_setting_out_christmas/
%
Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71bpb9/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_clickbait/
%
Why did Paul Walker cross the street?

He wasn't wearing a seat belt
-my friend ben

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71blsa/why_did_paul_walker_cross_the_street/
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The magic word

Daughter: Dad, do I get a new Iphone?
Dad: What's the magic word?
Daughter: Larissa!
Dad: Larissa??
Daughter: yes, your affair!
Dad: Do you want a cover with your Iphone too?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71bkl6/the_magic_word/
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Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times

It's also more healthy if you've Et tu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71bhtj/any_salad_is_a_caeser_salad_if_you_stab_it_enough/
%
Why do Tennesseans always wear orange?

On Saturdays they watch the Vols.  On Sundays they hunt.  The rest of the week they are picking up trash by the side of the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71bgf5/why_do_tennesseans_always_wear_orange/
%
I've spent a year looking for my wife's killer...

...but no one will take the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71bbq0/ive_spent_a_year_looking_for_my_wifes_killer/
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My Mom said this to me.

Me:*can't open bag of chips*I can't open it!Must be a production error.
Mom:*Opens it with ease*You're a production error..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71baf5/my_mom_said_this_to_me/
%
How do you hide an Elephant in the jungle?

Paint his balls red and hide him in the top of a cherry tree.
Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71b8f4/how_do_you_hide_an_elephant_in_the_jungle/
%
Ever since I started a company painting ceilings…

Business has been looking up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71b5ys/ever_since_i_started_a_company_painting_ceilings/
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What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

hint hint: don't overthink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71b4dr/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_9_letters_but_never/
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Capital letters

The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71b2jz/capital_letters/
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My girlfriend told me I'm bad in bed

I told her she should learn to enjoy the little things in life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71b2c1/my_girlfriend_told_me_im_bad_in_bed/
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Like a virgin

The family is at the dining table.
The little 10-year-old girl does not eat and has her nose in her plate….
After a few moments, she says, “I’ve something to tell you people”
Silence around the table.
“I’m no longer virgin”, and she begins to cry.
A long silence again.
And then…
The father screams at his wife,
“It’s your fault!
Always dressed and made up like a whore!
Do you think you are setting a good example for your daughter?
Wallowing the whole day on the sofa, exposing your pussy…
it’s disgusting!
That’s how problems arrive”
The wife, in turn yells at her husband:
“What about you ?
Are YOU setting a good example ?
Wasting your salary on sluts who sometimes even accompany you to your doorstep!
Are YOU setting a good example for your 10-year-old daughter?”
The father continues”
“And her elder sister, this good-for-nothing,
With her hairy junkie of a boyfriend,
Who is always groping her in all the corners of the house,
Do you believe she is setting a good example for her younger sister?”
And the recriminations go on, and on, and on….
The grandmother touches the shoulder of the little granddaughter to console her
And asks her :
“Well, my little girl, how did it happen?”
And the little girl replies while stifling her sobs :
“it’s the priest”
The grandmother asks :
“What do you mean, the priest ?”
“The priest has chosen another girl to be Virgin Mary in the Christmas play…
I’m no longer playing the role of Virgin Mary”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71awaf/like_a_virgin/
%
"Do you think you are suitable for the role?" asked the job interviewer."

"Yes," I said. "I promise you that no person would be better
for the job."
"Well," he said. "I guess I won't hire anybody then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71avzc/do_you_think_you_are_suitable_for_the_role_asked/
%
What's a miner's favourite band?

Coalplay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71av7h/whats_a_miners_favourite_band/
%
Saw my ex-girlfriend across the street today and she didn't even look at me.

Truth is, i've changed a lot since kindergarten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71auvo/saw_my_exgirlfriend_across_the_street_today_and/
%
A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ar8g/a_plumber_fixes_a_damaged_pipe_in_a_doctors_house/
%
I went to a busy bar last night dressed as a tennis ball

I got served straight away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71aqg1/i_went_to_a_busy_bar_last_night_dressed_as_a/
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What's the difference between Jake Paul's songs and rap?

The letter C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71amwv/whats_the_difference_between_jake_pauls_songs_and/
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What do you call a front page joke?

A repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71amve/what_do_you_call_a_front_page_joke/
%
What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A Labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71amv5/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_can_do_magic/
%
Where do pets go when their tails fall off?

The retail store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71akek/where_do_pets_go_when_their_tails_fall_off/
%
I got fired from my job at the library...

Apparently the book on women’s rights doesn’t belong in the fiction section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ad8y/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_library/
%
Which city is the South African Superman from?

Cape Town

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71ac06/which_city_is_the_south_african_superman_from/
%
I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71a647/i_was_forced_to_swallow_purple_food_color/
%
I don't always leave my sentences unfinished

But when I do,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71a211/i_dont_always_leave_my_sentences_unfinished/
%
There are 10 kinds of people

Those who undestand binary
Those who don't
And those who didn't realize we'd be doing this in base 3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/719z8k/there_are_10_kinds_of_people/
%
Why wasn't Jesus born in West Virginia?

Because God couldn't find 3 wise men... or a virgin.
*sorry if this is not new, from WV and my fav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/719yyo/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_west_virginia/
%
One of our classmates got suspended after saying this joke in class

A little girl walks up to her Dad after her Sunday School lessons one day, and she looks upset. The Dad asks "Aw Baby what happened?"
The girl whispers to her Dad, "Daddy the Priest... He...he..."
The Dad sighs deeply, and says "what happened sweetie?"
"He...he told me to stay back after class Daddy"
The Dad starts sweating a bit now, and says "And then what did he do sweetie?"
"He told me to come sit on his lap... and I did"
The Dad, sweating even more now, says "And then what did he do?"
"A-and then, he... he lifted up my skirt"
The Dads voice is cracking now, and he starts getting red in the face. "And then what did he do sweetie? Dont worry you can tell me."
"A-and then. Then he sent me home. He didnt do anything."
The Dad takes his hand out of his pants and yells "WELL THEN MAKE SOMETHING UP GODDAMMIT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/719tsb/one_of_our_classmates_got_suspended_after_saying/
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28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court

They're awaiting their sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/719sd6/28_consonants_3_vowels_a_question_mark_and_1/
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Whats worse then beating a dead horse?

Shooting a gorilla

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/719ngx/whats_worse_then_beating_a_dead_horse/
%
I've just heard that the bloke who invented predictive text has pissed away.

His funfair is next monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/719miy/ive_just_heard_that_the_bloke_who_invented/
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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/719m3l/whats_10_inches_long_hard_as_a_rock_full_of_semen/
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Why did the suicidal kid cover his bed in legumes?

So he could rest in peas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/719kb5/why_did_the_suicidal_kid_cover_his_bed_in_legumes/
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I feel bad for buttons.

They're often depressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/719g8c/i_feel_bad_for_buttons/
%
A boy comes home from school

And asks his father, "Dad, what is the difference between in theory and in reality?"
The father replies, "I'll answer son, but first go ask your mother if she would cheat on me for one million dollars."
The son goes and asks his mom, and she replies, "Well, I love your father, but a million dollars could help our family so much, so I will have to say yes."
The son returns, and tells his dad and he tells the boy to go ask his older sister if she would sleep with a complete stranger for a million dollars.
The boy asks his sister and she replies, " A million dollars!? Hell yes!"
So the boy returns to his father and let's him know her answer. The father puts his hand on the boys shoulder and says, "See son, in theory we are sitting on a couple of million dollars, but in reality we are just living with a couple of whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/719can/a_boy_comes_home_from_school/
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Deaf sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/719aan/deaf_sex/
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If in an earthquake, take shelter with a horse...

Their houses are always stable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7199jj/if_in_an_earthquake_take_shelter_with_a_horse/
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I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, and he hasn't even used it.

He just sits and cries in his wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7198hs/i_bought_my_son_a_trampoline_for_his_birthday_and/
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It was a time of cost cutting, & every Govt. Dept. had been told to scale back the overheads.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7196iw/it_was_a_time_of_cost_cutting_every_govt_dept_had/
%
A guy ask another guy his name...

Guy 1: Hi, whats your name?
Guy 2: 🅱
Guy 1: thats a odd name 🅱, why would your parents name you that?
Guy 2: they said that when i died this stupid fucking meme would die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7193a5/a_guy_ask_another_guy_his_name/
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Police and driver.

Police officer: “Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”
Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7192bl/police_and_driver/
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Wife hanging from a rope.

I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.  There was a note saying, "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!"  I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life.   As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, "Come on, that's not how you spell criticism."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7190id/wife_hanging_from_a_rope/
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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/718zq3/how_many_apples_grow_on_a_tree/
%
What's between your granny's boobs that's not between your sisters'?

Her bellybutton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/718ost/whats_between_your_grannys_boobs_thats_not/
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This earthquake news is devastating

It's really got me shaken up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/718os0/this_earthquake_news_is_devastating/
%
A mother is helping her son study for a test : She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"

He replies "Berlin."
She then asks "What is the capital of France?"
He replies "Berlin."
She asks "What is the capital of Russia?"
He replies "Berlin."
She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/718n3b/a_mother_is_helping_her_son_study_for_a_test_she/
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What does the Pope use his filing cabinet for?

Storing his Papalwork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/718kg8/what_does_the_pope_use_his_filing_cabinet_for/
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I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,

terrible reception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/718k88/i_saw_on_the_news_that_the_ceos_of_tmobile_and/
%
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Don't expect me to get hard in three minutes, I just got laid this morning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/718imy/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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What does an angry road say to an Indian?

"I've had enough of your shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/718i9z/what_does_an_angry_road_say_to_an_indian/
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A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks...

"is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/718gux/a_toothless_termite_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
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David was a victim of ID theft

He's now known as Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71891o/david_was_a_victim_of_id_theft/
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Dark humor is like a child with a fatal disease

It never gets old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7186z4/dark_humor_is_like_a_child_with_a_fatal_disease/
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I wrote a book about poltergeists

It's flying off the shelves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7183bd/i_wrote_a_book_about_poltergeists/
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Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and say "You're next! You're next!"

They stopped when I started doing the same at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/717znx/old_aunts_used_to_come_up_to_me_at_weddings_poke/
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There were two economists who were shipwrecked on a desert island.

They had no money but over the next three years they made millions of dollars selling their hats to each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/717wa6/there_were_two_economists_who_were_shipwrecked_on/
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What do horses eat? - Hay // What do gay horses eat?

HaaaaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaayy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/717u5v/what_do_horses_eat_hay_what_do_gay_horses_eat/
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Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."

Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/717r7p/wife_in_my_dream_i_saw_you_in_a_jewelry_store_and/
%
The Asian man got bad news from his eye doctor

The doctor told him he had a cataract.
The Asian man replied, "No I dwive a Wincoln!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/717ez7/the_asian_man_got_bad_news_from_his_eye_doctor/
%
Why is North Korea so good at drawing straight line?

Because they have a supreme ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/717ds5/why_is_north_korea_so_good_at_drawing_straight/
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What do you call a mountain that you've never climbed.

Mount neverest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/717cc6/what_do_you_call_a_mountain_that_youve_never/
%
A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/717c0c/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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This is my favorite sub.

Meatball with marinara, provolone, and parmesan on an Italian loaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71791x/this_is_my_favorite_sub/
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My girlfriend dumped me on 9/11.

That's one way of making sure I'll never forget.
^^^This ^^^isn't ^^^a ^^^joke, ^^^I'm ^^^actually ^^^broken ^^^inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7177z3/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_on_911/
%
I've discovered I have a logic fetish

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7172bu/ive_discovered_i_have_a_logic_fetish/
%
My friend keeps buying games, but never finds time to play them!

He says it's his way of blowing off steam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7170t8/my_friend_keeps_buying_games_but_never_finds_time/
%
I would never cheat in a relationship...

That would require two people to find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/716ycn/i_would_never_cheat_in_a_relationship/
%
Screw that clown from IT.

Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/716so8/screw_that_clown_from_it/
%
It says "Employees Must Wash Hands" in the bathroom.

I must have stood in there for forty god damned minutes and nobody came in to wash my hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/716qrl/it_says_employees_must_wash_hands_in_the_bathroom/
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Why is my cat constantly embarrassed?

Because he always has fou' paws!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/716izg/why_is_my_cat_constantly_embarrassed/
%
I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/716hay/i_jokingly_told_my_friend_i_was_collecting_the/
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I haven't changed much over the years

I also haven't showered in months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/716djz/i_havent_changed_much_over_the_years/
%
I've had a good couple of days,

I've just got back from winning the World Domestic Violence Championship.
I knocked my daughter out in the semis and beat my wife in the final.
Yesterday I entered the world blindfolded wanking championship.
I have no idea where I came though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/716ad1/ive_had_a_good_couple_of_days/
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I suspected my wife cheated on me at a Bill Cosby's house party last night...

"No, I didn't have sex with Bill Cosby"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure I'd remember having sex with Bill Cosby!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/716859/i_suspected_my_wife_cheated_on_me_at_a_bill/
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What is a pirate's favorite letter?

You'd think it'd be "R", but me heart belongs to the "C".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7167ct/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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A Blonde Goes On A Diet

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7166fc/a_blonde_goes_on_a_diet/
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A man was stranded on deserted island..

..for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle"!
Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"
The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7166dc/a_man_was_stranded_on_deserted_island/
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Why are artist bad at Uno?

Because they Draw a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7165hd/why_are_artist_bad_at_uno/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It's empty because I lack self control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/716495/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Why did the thyroid pay the prostitute?

He wanted to make a hormone
I've spent all dying trying to come up with a lead up to the punchline and this is the best I've got. Do me one better in the comments? I tried

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/715xh8/why_did_the_thyroid_pay_the_prostitute/
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What did the grape say when he got stepped on?

Nothing, he just let out a little wine...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/715ur4/what_did_the_grape_say_when_he_got_stepped_on/
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Since Trump nicknamed Kim Jun-Un Rocket Man, when Christmas comes along..

he can call him missile toe.
Joke originally told by my coworker today, who is a master of puns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/715tem/since_trump_nicknamed_kim_junun_rocket_man_when/
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Mountains aren't just funny...

they're hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/715tbf/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
How do pirates know they're pirates?

They think, therefore they AAAARRR.
My dad just told me that and I laughed. So dumb but it's Talk Like A Pirate Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/715t0w/how_do_pirates_know_theyre_pirates/
%
A man comes home from work, sits down in his recliner, turns on the TV and says to his wife 'Honey, grab me a beer before it starts!'

His wife yells back 'Dammit, I don't clean this entire house, do all the grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking just for you to come home and plop your lazy ass down in that chair and demand that I bring you a beer!'
The man says 'Oh, shit, looks like it's already started.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/715sm2/a_man_comes_home_from_work_sits_down_in_his/
%
Seen on a sign outside a church

Adam and Eve were the first people to not read the Apple conditions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/715rpr/seen_on_a_sign_outside_a_church/
%
Apple missing.

The local minister sees that every morning, some apples on his tree are missing. He makes a sign:
God sees everything.
The next morning, somebody writes under it: Yes, but he’s not a snitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/715puy/apple_missing/
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My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/715mtq/my_girlfriend_is_always_yelling_at_me_because_i/
%
Son, when I was your age there was no social media...............

. .......You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/715m6z/son_when_i_was_your_age_there_was_no_social_media/
%
A city bus driver is doing his route.

After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out. Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts at them, "I'm TIRED of this. I'm an old man and I can't bear to listen to this arguing anymore. From now on, there's no black, there's no white, got it? We're all the same color. We're all green. Now everyone sit down, dark green in back, light green in front."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/715i3i/a_city_bus_driver_is_doing_his_route/
%
What is the difference between a washing machine and a girl?

A washing machine doesn't keep calling you after you dump your load in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/715grs/what_is_the_difference_between_a_washing_machine/
%
What's the difference between a pirate and a succubus?

Where you put the peg!
(Credit to a friend)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/715fq5/whats_the_difference_between_a_pirate_and_a/
%
I don't get all these themed weddings you see now a days

My wife and I have just been invited to a Game of thrones themed wedding.  Where the hell do I find 'formal chain mail'? And do you know how expensive it is staying in a castle!
My friend keeps telling me how much fun it's going to be. Think about what it's going to be like when everyone is dressed up,  we are eating hunks of beef with honey carrots and roast pigeon drinking mead.  Even their parents are going to host the event like the Lord and Lady of the land...
I don't know though, I think his dad would be way happier if he wasn't marrying his sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7157oo/i_dont_get_all_these_themed_weddings_you_see_now/
%
I have no home button.

..and I work at your place.
You can call me and I know your face.
I cost $1000 although some think me a waste.
What am I ?
That's right. A high class hooker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7156cx/i_have_no_home_button/
%
The toothbrush was invented in the South

because if it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7154mp/the_toothbrush_was_invented_in_the_south/
%
What kind of car did Jesus drive?

He and his disciples were together in one Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7151uw/what_kind_of_car_did_jesus_drive/
%
How did the farmer find his missing daughter?

Tractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7150e9/how_did_the_farmer_find_his_missing_daughter/
%
I found an archived file of pornographic images today.

*unzips*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71503a/i_found_an_archived_file_of_pornographic_images/
%
A guy says, "Obstetricians named Juan can't seem to learn the whole alphabet."

His friend replies, "Why??"
"I dunno. For some reason they always get stuck at B."
"That's ridiculous. O.B. Juan can know 'B'"
I'll show my self out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/714u91/a_guy_says_obstetricians_named_juan_cant_seem_to/
%
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/714p2e/a_man_walks_out_to_the_street_and_catches_a_taxi/
%
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.

I will downvote myself on the way out....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/714jzt/iron_man_is_technically_a_female/
%
What's worst about learning you have Alzheimer's?

It doesn't just happen once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/714j5z/whats_worst_about_learning_you_have_alzheimers/
%
What codename does the CIA give to all of their sleeper agents?

Justin Case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/714efz/what_codename_does_the_cia_give_to_all_of_their/
%
What does a dyslexic atheist with insomnia do with their time?

They stay up late at night wondering if there is a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/714duq/what_does_a_dyslexic_atheist_with_insomnia_do/
%
Your mom is so ugly...

she was walking through the Aquarium and a Walrus unlocked her iPhone X.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/714c4o/your_mom_is_so_ugly/
%
I burnt my thighs...

So the doctor told me to take Viagra.
I asked,"Why?"
He said that it would keep the sheets off my thighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/714bcg/i_burnt_my_thighs/
%
I tried to change my password to Beefstew1

But they said it wasn't stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/714az9/i_tried_to_change_my_password_to_beefstew1/
%
Chinese Guy Walks Into A Bar

and sits behind the counter The bartender is black. The Chinese guy says "Give me a Jigga ya nigga" .. The black bartender begins to make him a Jigga but questions himself and then asks the Chinese guy.. "Excuse me sir can you repeat yourself"? He responds "Yea ya monkey nigga  give me a Jigga". The black bartender gets furious and asks the Chinese guy if the roles were reversed how would he feel. The Chinese guy shrugs and says "I wouldnt mind". So the black bartender says "ok go behind the bar and I will leave the bar".
The black guy walks into the bar sits down and says "give me one drink ya chink". The Chinese guy says "I am sorry we don't serve niggers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/714890/chinese_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I played chess with my friend from Central Europe.

Czech mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7141rw/i_played_chess_with_my_friend_from_central_europe/
%
What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students?

Watch closely. I'm only gonna show this once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71415u/what_did_the_kamikaze_pilot_tell_his_students/
%
Why was the astronaut's diary blank?

It was filled with space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713yux/why_was_the_astronauts_diary_blank/
%
"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!"

~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713yjt/im_going_to_punch_your_house_until_you_come_out/
%
My Boss showed up to work in a Brand-new Lamborghini

I replied "Wow, what an amazing car!"
His response "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713usb/my_boss_showed_up_to_work_in_a_brandnew/
%
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713urz/what_did_the_boy_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
%
Why did the chicken fall in the well?

He didnt see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713qax/why_did_the_chicken_fall_in_the_well/
%
What do you call a mathematician who never tells the truth?

A straight outlier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713pko/what_do_you_call_a_mathematician_who_never_tells/
%
I would never do cocaine

thats where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713of5/i_would_never_do_cocaine/
%
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her fucking husband!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713odv/a_guy_calls_the_hospital_he_says_you_gotta_send/
%
I finally saw 2 girls, 1 cup and I don't see what the big deal is

It's a shitty video.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713o6g/i_finally_saw_2_girls_1_cup_and_i_dont_see_what/
%
What do you call a rich asian?

Cha Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713n76/what_do_you_call_a_rich_asian/
%
An 85 year old man goes into a confessional...

An 85 year old man goes into a confessional. He said "Forgive me father but I have sinned".
The priest replied: "tell me your sins my son."
"I am committing adultery. I have a 25 year old girl friend. Every morning I tell my wife that I am going to have coffee with my friends, but instead I go to my girl friends house where she gives me a blow job and then we have sex for an hour."
The Priest said: "adultery is a grave sin. But Mr Cohn, you're Jewish. Why are you telling me?"
Mr. Cohn replied "hey, I'm telling everybody."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713l9q/an_85_year_old_man_goes_into_a_confessional/
%
I couldn't believe how expensive the new bike pump was!

I hadn't considered inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713h0g/i_couldnt_believe_how_expensive_the_new_bike_pump/
%
Talk Like A Pirate Day

How the fuck am I supposed to learn Somali?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713g88/talk_like_a_pirate_day/
%
Donald Trump walks into a doctor's office with an enormous red boil on his head.

The doctor says, “My God, why didn’t you come sooner?”
The boil says, “To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713fpa/donald_trump_walks_into_a_doctors_office_with_an/
%
I'd tell you a joke about prison, but...

It'd be a long sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713ejr/id_tell_you_a_joke_about_prison_but/
%
I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713a5s/i_woke_up_with_someones_ejaculate_on_my_face_but/
%
I know a botanist who does research on nuts.

He works in macademia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7137m3/i_know_a_botanist_who_does_research_on_nuts/
%
It's Alzheimers day on thursday...



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/713412/its_alzheimers_day_on_thursday/
%
Bullies and sperm have in common::

The One-in-a-Million chance of becoming a Human Being.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/712z35/bullies_and_sperm_have_in_common/
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What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?

Someone who knocks on your door and tells *you* to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/712woq/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_jehovahs_witness/
%
I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was...

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/712won/i_never_knew_how_technologically_advanced_moses/
%
I spent all day bobbing up and down in the water

It's been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/712r8o/i_spent_all_day_bobbing_up_and_down_in_the_water/
%
my wife told me that sex is much better on holiday...

safe to say that i've received better postcards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/712np9/my_wife_told_me_that_sex_is_much_better_on_holiday/
%
Yo momma is so fat

when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/712mvh/yo_momma_is_so_fat/
%
What do you call a muslim opening a bar in Hawaii?

Aloha Snackbar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/712c1e/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_opening_a_bar_in_hawaii/
%
Why are North Korean weekends so lame?

Because theres only one party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7129t8/why_are_north_korean_weekends_so_lame/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar

one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew twenty bucks in there..."
That's a lotta doe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7128ga/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7123ex/why_is_the_area_between_a_womans_chest_and_hips/
%
After the World War 2

Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting England. British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland. "A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth. "Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked. Ehrnrooth answered: "Two meters underground around the border."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71229c/after_the_world_war_2/
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I hear Metallica have an upcoming show in Amsterdam

"We're off to Nether-netherlands"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/711ykk/i_hear_metallica_have_an_upcoming_show_in/
%
How does an Indian girl tell her family she will be wearing a Western dress to her wedding?

"Sorry, not Sari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/711w6s/how_does_an_indian_girl_tell_her_family_she_will/
%
Did you hear the rumor about the butter?

It's okay. I shouldn't spread it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/711pln/did_you_hear_the_rumor_about_the_butter/
%
How can you tell if an engineer is extroverted?

They stare at *your* shoes when they talk to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/711n6h/how_can_you_tell_if_an_engineer_is_extroverted/
%
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?

Desserted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/711m6p/what_do_you_call_an_island_populated_entirely_by/
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A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.

“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/711if9/a_lady_came_in_for_a_routine_physical_at_the/
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Sherlock Holmes

is inspecting a bed. He says to Watson, "this bed is missing something." Watson replies "no sheet sherlock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/711hr8/sherlock_holmes/
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Getting a blowjob it's like getting pizza

no matter if it's not done exactly right, it's always worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/711hhj/getting_a_blowjob_its_like_getting_pizza/
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How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage?

Another two if I move my bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/711hc3/how_many_dead_hookers_can_you_fit_in_a_garage/
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3 men were in a boat with 4 cigarettes,but there was no way to light them.What did they do?

Threw one cigarette overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/711gzs/3_men_were_in_a_boat_with_4_cigarettesbut_there/
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A funny joke that my arabic dad told me :"the boy who wanted onion flavoured ice cream"

One day , The ice cream shop has a visitor , It is a little boy , The shop keeper says "Welcome , You came to the right place for your ice cream needs young man!" The little boy shouts while he is still at the door : "Do you guys have onion flavoured ice cream?" , The man is suprised and said: "no ,we don't sorry" the boy leaves The next day at the same time the boy comes in , The shop keeper out of habit says "Welcome" but he sees that it is the boy and silences him self thinking the boy is mad . The boy says :"Do you have onion flavoured ice cream?" The man says :"No , We dont".
That keeps going for 2 or 3 weeks until the man thought to himself:"You know , Why dont i make onion flavoured Ice cream for the little guy?" and he stood up all night to make it great . The boy comes the next day , "Welcome" says the shop keeper, The boy says the usual lines :"Do you have onion flavoured Ice cream?" the man excitingly says : "Yes we do" the boy then says : "Wow you guys must be retarded , Who would buy that shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/711gc9/a_funny_joke_that_my_arabic_dad_told_me_the_boy/
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I can count all the times I've been to Chernobyl on my fingers.

All twelve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/711fw6/i_can_count_all_the_times_ive_been_to_chernobyl/
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My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/711cb8/my_sister_bet_me_i_couldnt_make_a_car_out_of/
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One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/711975/one_night_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_sad_the/
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7117wf/a_few_days_after_christmas_a_mother_was_working/
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

My dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710xag/what_do_you_call_a_boomerang_that_doesnt_come_back/
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Don't assume the elderly are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th Wedding Anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The officers turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday......."
The officer turned to his partner and said, "That's enough. Let’s get out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710sid/dont_assume_the_elderly_are_senile/
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What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

A prostitute can wash their crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710s8z/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
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A young man looking to get

married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710qzp/a_young_man_looking_to_get/
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Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

They both had a great time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710n6s/jeff_a_semicolon_and_an_oxford_comma_walk_into_a/
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Put the punchline in the title.

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710mda/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
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The House Problem

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.
The physicist says, “The initial measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The biologist counters, “They must have reproduced.”
Finally, the mathematician suggests, “If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710lvw/the_house_problem/
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Getting a portrait painted.

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told
the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710jn1/getting_a_portrait_painted/
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Getting away with murder is easy

What's the victim going to do?
Call the police?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710hxu/getting_away_with_murder_is_easy/
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I was in a car with a girl who was driving and reading a map, and she said, "I'm looking for a turn-off."

I said, "I post jokes on reddit hoping for upvotes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710hgn/i_was_in_a_car_with_a_girl_who_was_driving_and/
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A List of AP Botany Puns

Last semester I dicked around in AP Botany instead of listening to some stupid lecture senior year and came up with an extensive list of bad botanical puns and play on words. Enjoy!
How do trees hook up when they’re looking to have fun
Timber
What is a trees favorite social media website
Vine
What is a plants favorite athlete
Randy Moss
What are a tree’s favorite social media outlets
Tumblrweed, Redwood, and Pine-terest
What do you call a yam that is wanted for murder
A hot potato
Ferns are our fronds
How do plants feel for eachother
They photo-sympathize
Plants are the most devilish of all organisms because they photoSINthesise
Go with the flow-er
Moss-t you always be such a bryophyte
So a tree is getting married today and it says to its stylist: Don’t worry, I already got her a ring
Shrubstep
If you wanted a tree you should’ve put a ring on it
What do you hear when a tree calls you
A ring tone
Asparagus these terrible plant jokes
What a botanists sleep on
A monocot
What do botanists do at at charities
They enter the rafflesias
How do leaves duel
They stand bract to bract
What’s the deal with plants? Why’re they so fixated on carbon?
Don’t take plants for grana-ted
Plant puns are the coir of this curriculum
*pulls a plant fiber out of a hat* Abacadabra!
I’m just orchidding!
Glumiflorae is the saddest order of flowering plants
Marchantia take a joke?
What is a plant’s favorite news outlet
The Onion.
What site does a plant go on when they’re alone?
Cornhub.
Why do hippies like plants?
Because they want world peas!
What is the best plant at a party
Grapes, because they’re always raisin the roof.
What is corns favorite sex act
Cornholing
What is corn’s favorite adult film
Cream of Wheat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710h8w/a_list_of_ap_botany_puns/
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A girls walks into an Adult Store. "Hi I want to buy that Red Dildo right there"

Cashier: that's a Fire Extinguisher you whore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710duk/a_girls_walks_into_an_adult_store_hi_i_want_to/
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What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710893/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_jimmy_fallon/
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A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71083z/a_joke_is_like_a_frog/
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How do you know if your sperm count is too high?

She has to chew before she swallows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710408/how_do_you_know_if_your_sperm_count_is_too_high/
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If attacked by a mob of clowns

go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/71038n/if_attacked_by_a_mob_of_clowns/
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If only there was an easily recognizable way to identify an idiot

-Sent from my iPhone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7102uf/if_only_there_was_an_easily_recognizable_way_to/
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I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7101xl/i_gently_slid_her_panties_to_the_side/
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I was going to eat a spaghetti squash...

But then I thought, "Nah, I butternut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/710103/i_was_going_to_eat_a_spaghetti_squash/
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Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell someone he was a vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70zop5/why_did_the_vegan_cross_the_road/
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A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.

She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70zke2/a_blond_walks_into_a_mechanics_shop/
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What's smarter than a talking bird?

A spelling bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70zjq4/whats_smarter_than_a_talking_bird/
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A poor man fall asleep one night and the devil appears in his dream

The devil says to him "I shall grant you any worldly wish you desire but at a price"
The poor man asks "I've only got my six string and very little money, however I can earn money if I play guitar well. So I wish to be the greatest guitar player the world has ever seen."
The devil replies "the price for that is merely your human soul."
The man thinks for a moment and responds "that's a lot to lose. I don't think I'm willing to pay that. What can I get for a dollar?"
The devil responds "the greatest bass player"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70zjb2/a_poor_man_fall_asleep_one_night_and_the_devil/
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My wife said I never listen to her,

or something like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70zgt4/my_wife_said_i_never_listen_to_her/
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If gays come out of the closet, where do lesbians come from?

The liquor cabinet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70zgft/if_gays_come_out_of_the_closet_where_do_lesbians/
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So I tried catching fog yesterday

Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70zfzr/so_i_tried_catching_fog_yesterday/
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I have a pet tree...

It's like having a pet dog, except it's all bark and no bite !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70zfzb/i_have_a_pet_tree/
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I went to a really emotional wedding the other day...

Even the cake was in tiers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70zdqx/i_went_to_a_really_emotional_wedding_the_other_day/
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Two men are sitting in a bar talking about their wives.

The first one says: "My wife hasn't had sex with me in months, and when we do it's the same old boring thing. She has no excitement or lust anymore:"
The second one responds: "My wife has a tradition of fucking me in a new place every once in a while to spice things up. For example, when we first started dating she fucked me in the bedroom, three years in we did it in the kitchen, and two years ago she fucked me in the hallway for the first time."
The first one says: "Where do you do it now to keep it exciting?"
The second one explains: "Just when I thought the sex was starting to get stale and that she was falling out of love with me, she pulled one last trick that was absolutely stunning."
The first one asks: "Where did she fuck you this time?"
"The courthouse"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70zdk9/two_men_are_sitting_in_a_bar_talking_about_their/
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What did the Jedi Knight say to the proctologist?

"These aren't the 'roids you're looking for."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70zab8/what_did_the_jedi_knight_say_to_the_proctologist/
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"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space "

Terrible jokes. Only 3 stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70z93s/orions_belt_is_a_big_waist_of_space/
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Whose gets to be the boss

The body parts are fighting over who gets to be the leader of the body. The legs speak up and say "we should be the boss because we are the strongest muscles and you couldn't go anywhere without us." The eyes respond, "we should be the boss because we see the world and without us, you wouldn't know where to go." After much arguing the brain final chimes in "I should be the boss because I'm the one who decides where and how we go." All is quite until the anus announces,  "I should be the leader." And everybody erupts in laugher and the anus tries to argue for a little while and then finally shuts up in anger. More specifically he closes up, and stays that way. Days pass and everybody starts to understand. The whole body is in pain. The legs are weak but ache at the same time. The can't see or focus well and everything is blurry. The brain can't think but is flooded with panic and discomfort. Finally they all approach the anus and concede the leadership to him because he really controls where and how the body goes. The moral of the story is that to be the boss you don't have to be the strongest or the smartest. You just have to be an asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70z7s6/whose_gets_to_be_the_boss/
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What's the best thing about elevator jokes?

They work on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70z1l5/whats_the_best_thing_about_elevator_jokes/
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Viagra is a gateway drug

It leads to harder things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70yynk/viagra_is_a_gateway_drug/
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I have some bad eye puns.

But my friend's are cornea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70yxlf/i_have_some_bad_eye_puns/
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I once met an amateur prostitute...

I guess she's just called a 'stitute'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70yxip/i_once_met_an_amateur_prostitute/
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A Spanish man comes home from his vacation to the U.S.

His friend asks about his trip. Sounding very exited, the man said "It was amazing, the people there were so polite!" Confused, his friend asks why he thought the people were so polite. The man responds with "Well first of all, I went to a baseball game and right before it started, someone stood up in front of me,blocking my view." His friend said that seemed pretty rude of the other people to do that. The man replies with "Yes, but after that, everyone in the crowd stood up and asked me 'Jose,   can you see?!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70yp87/a_spanish_man_comes_home_from_his_vacation_to_the/
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This is the third time my friends have agreed to attend a Whitesnake concert and haven't turned up

Here I go again on my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70yo32/this_is_the_third_time_my_friends_have_agreed_to/
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Two Irish woodsmen are looking for a job.

"Look here Gary. It says, 'Builders wanted'. But we're not builders!"
"What about that one?"
"It says, 'Looking for Painters'."
"But we don't paint!"
"Times are tough eh? Here's one last job offer; it says, 'Looking for Tree Fellers'."
"But, there's only two of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70yguz/two_irish_woodsmen_are_looking_for_a_job/
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Some Mornings I wake up Grumpy

Most other mornings I let her sleep in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70yfp4/some_mornings_i_wake_up_grumpy/
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I didn't think I was any good at drawing until my parents took me to see the doctor

Anyone else on the artistic spectrum?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70y98b/i_didnt_think_i_was_any_good_at_drawing_until_my/
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What do you call an Indian dating site?

Connect the dots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70y64q/what_do_you_call_an_indian_dating_site/
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If you ever feel lonely.

Just dim the lights and watch a couple of horror movies. After a while, you won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70y5i9/if_you_ever_feel_lonely/
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I got dismissed from my job as a pilot.

They told me I had an altitude problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70y1q4/i_got_dismissed_from_my_job_as_a_pilot/
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What is a pirate's favorite letter?

It's not 'R.'  A pirates's true love is the 'C.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70y0y1/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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My sister and her husband live next to a bunch of cell phone towers, and they're concerned it’s going to affect the health of their children.

*If* they can stop having miscarriages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70xzti/my_sister_and_her_husband_live_next_to_a_bunch_of/
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70xuox/a_rabbi_a_priest_and_a_minister_walk_into_a_bar/
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Chinese in the bar

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.
I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70xp3y/chinese_in_the_bar/
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What's the difference between North Korea and EA?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70xlh5/whats_the_difference_between_north_korea_and_ea/
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Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

A year later, he goes around to all the animals to see how they're doing. The horses have foals, the wolves have pups, the lions have cubs...everything looks good. But then he gets to a couple of snakes, and they have no eggs, no hatchlings, nothing.
Noah is confused, and the snakes admit that they've had some trouble.
"Is there anything I can do to help?" he asks.
The snakes look at each other, and then turn back to Noah. "If you could cut down that tree over there," says one, "that would help quite a bit."
Noah doesn't quite understand, but cuts down the tree anyway, and leaves to continue his journey. A year later, he goes to check the progress of all the animals. The are more foals, more pups, more cubs, and tons of other baby animals. He gets to the snakes, and sure enough, there are baby snakes everywhere.
Confused, Noah goes to one of the original snakes and asks how cutting down the tree helped.
"We're adders," said the snake. "We need logs to multiply."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70xjlo/noah_lets_all_the_animals_off_the_ark_and_tells/
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Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?

He won't inhale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70xj7n/why_cant_bill_clinton_go_scuba_diving/
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How does an Alabama State grad know when sex is over?

Someone yells “Cut!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70xire/how_does_an_alabama_state_grad_know_when_sex_is/
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How do you tell a blonde from a brunette in the dark?

Just call out "can you hear me?" and listen for the reply "no, its too dark in here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70xd2p/how_do_you_tell_a_blonde_from_a_brunette_in_the/
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I don't like Orion's belt.

It's a huge waist of space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70x6pd/i_dont_like_orions_belt/
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A BLONDE & HER THERMOS

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.
Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"
She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70x0nq/a_blonde_her_thermos/
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Q: What do Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?

A: Turn off the XBox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70wz2t/q_what_do_cowboys_fans_do_after_they_win_the/
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Why did Hellen Keller only masterbate one hand?

So she could moan with the other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ww4w/why_did_hellen_keller_only_masterbate_one_hand/
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How do you confuse an Apple user?

Give them options.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70wvyq/how_do_you_confuse_an_apple_user/
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A man gets pulled over.

So a man was driving down a suburban road, going 10 miles over the speed limit. Next thing he knows, there's the flashing lights behind him and hes being pulled over. The officer is young, and he's only been on the job for a couple months, so he is very nervous. He approaches the vehicle, and begins the usual interrogation. "Sir, did you know how fast you were going back there?" "Yes, I did, I got places to be!" The man replies. The Officer is a little taken aback, but not surprised. He was trained on how to deal with this.  "What do you have planned sir? It can't be more important than breaking the law." The man ponders that, and than replies "I got to bury the body I got in my trunk." This is a surprise, but he keeps calm. "How did the person in your trunk die sir?" "I shot him. With the gun I got in the glove compartment." The officer is now shocked, and scared. He tells the man to stay put, and calls for backup. Another police car shows up, with a more seasoned officer. He handcuffs the man, and begins to search the car. First he checks the glove compartment, and finds nothing. Than, he moves on to the trunk, and finds no trace of a body. The seasoned officer is annoyed with the new officer, and apologizes to the man. "I am sorry that you had to undergo this harassment, sir, I had no idea that officer would deceive me like this." The man replies. "It's all good officer. That kid was so crazy, I bet he told you I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70wvhi/a_man_gets_pulled_over/
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I now know how batteries feel...

Because I'm rarely included in anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70wsoi/i_now_know_how_batteries_feel/
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Three men, a Republican, a Brit and a Jamaican

all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however, unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Brit wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Jamaican looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Brit, "but one of them in there's a Republican, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70wpml/three_men_a_republican_a_brit_and_a_jamaican/
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Education is just like an erection

If you have it, it shows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70wntg/education_is_just_like_an_erection/
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The Burglar Who Was Being Watched By Jesus

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say; “Jesus is watching you.”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around the room. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”
“Yes,” Said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot: “What is your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That is a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70wmuq/the_burglar_who_was_being_watched_by_jesus/
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I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do...

it's to the door to open it for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70wmjo/i_dont_always_beat_my_girlfriend_but_when_i_do/
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A woman was taking an afternoon nap

. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70wj6x/a_woman_was_taking_an_afternoon_nap/
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I like my women like I like my cheese

Blue, a little below room temperature, and easy to slice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70wg28/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_cheese/
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A lesbian couple and a gay couple are having a race around the world. Who wins?

The lesbian couple. They made it around the world lickety-split, while the gay couple were still packin’ their shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70we1q/a_lesbian_couple_and_a_gay_couple_are_having_a/
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And the best neckwear award goes to...

Oh wait, it's a tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70waa7/and_the_best_neckwear_award_goes_to/
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To the Magician who stole my I.D.

Yes that is my card!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70w97g/to_the_magician_who_stole_my_id/
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What did the blanket scream as it fell off a bed?

Oh Sheet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70w7xx/what_did_the_blanket_scream_as_it_fell_off_a_bed/
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I forgot to pack a fork with my lunch today.

It was a pointless lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70w746/i_forgot_to_pack_a_fork_with_my_lunch_today/
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I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70w2r4/i_have_3_eyes_6_heads_and_15_limbs_what_am_i/
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Where do magnets grow?

In magnetic fields

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70w0oa/where_do_magnets_grow/
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TIL that i'm a procrastinator

I'll tell you why later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70vumb/til_that_im_a_procrastinator/
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Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.
Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."
"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the nice folks you can talk." says Bob.
"He's right," says Ollie the Octopus, "I can talk. I can also play any musical instrument."
"True story!" Says Bob the sailor "...but if you wanna test him, you've gotta pay 50 bucks a try!"
One fella reaches into his pocket and says "Here's $50, and my harmonica." Ollie plays a long, slow, mournful song that quiets the bar and brings a tear to the eye of everyone with a heart not made of stone. This is truly amazing, especially since octopi are devoid of lips.
Jimmy runs out to his car and grabs his fiddle. He hands it to Ollie with a crisp $50 bill. Ollie picks up the fiddle and plays a lively jig that has boots stomping and hands slapping tables. The mood has improved and folks are buying rounds for Ollie and Bob.
Seamus, an old, crusty Scotsman hobbles over to Bob and says "Aye boy, ye plannin' on bein' here for a spell?"
"Sure we are!" say Bob and Ollie in unison.
"Good then. I'll be right back."
And off Seamus goes into the evening.
Bob and Ollie have a few more drinks, Ollie plays a few more instruments, and everyone sings a few more songs.
About an hour later, Seamus casts a dark shadow at the tavern door. Clutched under his arm is the most magnificent set of Great Highland Bagpipes you've ever seen. Dark polished wood for the chanter, mouthpiece, and three drones.
The cover was done in rich corduroy, slightly worn from the years of use.
Ollie's eyes widened in suprise.
Seamus gently placed the pipes down on the bar beside Ollie with a wry grin and quietly said "Now m'boy...what're ye gonna do with that!?"
Ollie was speechless. He ran his tentacles over the individual pieces, exploring the instrument. He felt the cloth, the wood, the finger holes. He'd never seen anything like this.
Seamus got louder. "Come ON ye silly cephalopod!" which was strange for Seamus to say, being as though he only had a third grade education. "What're ye gonna do with this now?!"
Ollie looked as Seamus, and with determination in his eyes he said:
"I'm going to make love to her. Just as soon as I figure out how to get her pajamas off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70vtzx/bob_the_sailor_ollie_the_octopus_walk_into_a_bar/
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The ATM has the shakes...

And other withdrawal symptoms too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70vsnx/the_atm_has_the_shakes/
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How do you find the eye of a hurricane?

Look near the c!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70vm21/how_do_you_find_the_eye_of_a_hurricane/
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I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70vdn7/i_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_shit_myself/
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I jumped into a taxi with my date last night.

I said to her, "What would you say to a blow job when we get back to my place?"
She said, "You seem like a nice guy and I've had a good time... so why not? Okay!"
"Great!" I replied, reaching over to the taxi driver. "Is that okay with you mate? I'm broke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70vclq/i_jumped_into_a_taxi_with_my_date_last_night/
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Why did the toilet paper stop rolling?

It got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70vbkc/why_did_the_toilet_paper_stop_rolling/
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What's the difference between a burglar and a cheap condom?

One breaks and enters, the other enters and breaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70v8jk/whats_the_difference_between_a_burglar_and_a/
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A man and woman are sitting on their porch

drinking a beer. The man says, "I love you." The woman says, "Is that you talking or the beer talking?" The man says, "That's me talking to the beer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70v7go/a_man_and_woman_are_sitting_on_their_porch/
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What's black and white, red all over, and swings?

A nun on a meat hook!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70v7cx/whats_black_and_white_red_all_over_and_swings/
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Dracula walks into a pub...

When Dracula approaches the bar and orders a glass of hot water. Two men at the end notice him and ask each other what in the world he would want with a glass of hot water since all Dracula drinks is blood. So curious they decide to watch him. When the bartender returns and places the glass of hot water in front of him Dracula thanks him then reaches into his cape and takes out a used tampon that he begins to dunk in the hot water as he says "Tea Time!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70v2e4/dracula_walks_into_a_pub/
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A man died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle

He had serious selfie steam issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70v1k2/a_man_died_due_to_his_obsession_of_taking_photos/
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A man bursts into a sperm bank, wearing a mask and weilding a gun.

He goes to the woman behind the counter, puts the gun in her face and screams "OPEN THE VAULT!" She timidly stammers, "Sir, this is a sperm bank. There's no money..." He cocks the gun and screams, "I SAID OPEN IT!!!" She reluctantly leads him to the big freezer, "see" she says, "it's just test tubes and specimens." "DRINK ONE!" shouts the gunman. "Well, sir... I Never..." stammers the clerk. BANG! He fires a shot into the ceiling. So, she opens the bottle and drinks the contents. The gunman takes off his mask, it's her husband! He says, "Now, was that So bad?"
I tried to format this so it makes more sense, but i guess on mobile, it compressed it to save data or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70uz6x/a_man_bursts_into_a_sperm_bank_wearing_a_mask_and/
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My girlfriend is the daughter of arya stark and John cena

She has no name and you can't see her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70uz5b/my_girlfriend_is_the_daughter_of_arya_stark_and/
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How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70uwn7/how_do_you_milk_sheep/
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A condom, tampon and bandaid are walking down the street. Which one would say 'hi' as you pass?

The bandaid, because the other two are stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70uvds/a_condom_tampon_and_bandaid_are_walking_down_the/
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Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts.

Been thinking about this all night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70usiy/many_people_cant_fall_asleep_due_to_some/
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Someone asked me how dark my humour is

Dark enough to get six warning shots in the back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70urpk/someone_asked_me_how_dark_my_humour_is/
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[Repost]A great dad joke that I had to share

Son: Mom, Dad, I'm gay.
Dad: (Clenches fists)
Mom: Don't.....
Dad: (Sweats profusely)
Mom:.........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Dad: Hi gay! I'm Dad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70uqq0/reposta_great_dad_joke_that_i_had_to_share/
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What does a priest hold on to during sex...

... the school bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70um14/what_does_a_priest_hold_on_to_during_sex/
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How did the farmer plan to pick up the hot girl at the bar?

A tractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ujmj/how_did_the_farmer_plan_to_pick_up_the_hot_girl/
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A Priest decides to skip mass in order to go golfing

He knows this is wrong, but he figures it's okay. He's performed mass for 30 years, and has been looking forward to golfing for ages. The weather is only good during mass hours, so he figures he deserves it, right? Another priest fills in as he claims he's sick.
As he is driving to the golf course, God and St Peter are looking down at him from heaven. St Peter says "look at that! Can you believe him? Skipping mass! Are you going to punish him lord?"
"Of course" said God.
The priest arrives at the golf course, and it's completely deserted when he steps onto the course. He puts the ball on the tee and gets ready to play
Meanwhile, St Peter looks on with glee. He can only imagine how God will punish the priest. Breaking his clubs? A bolt of lightning? The priest hits the ball, it sails into the air... And lands straight into the hole.
The priest is ecstatic. St Peter is shocked. "You did that didn't God? Why? I thought you were going to punish him?" God just stays silent.
The day goes on, the priest still plays. Every hole he plays, God makes him get a hole in one. The priest is so happy, he has the time of his life. As he's driving home, St Peter turns to God.
"He's had a fantastic day... This is his punishment for skipping mass?"
The priest arrives home. Later that day, the priest who filled in for him shows up to check on him.
"How are you father?" he says.
"How am I? Let me tell you the day I had! I went...."
The priest stops, his face stricken with horror.
St Peter, watching, turns to God.
"Let's see him try to tell this story without revealing he skipped mass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ui3y/a_priest_decides_to_skip_mass_in_order_to_go/
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What do you call someone who steals a Tesla car?

An Edison.
I have to thank my buddy Chris for this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70uglw/what_do_you_call_someone_who_steals_a_tesla_car/
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What did Hermione do when she was horny?

Cauldron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70uewu/what_did_hermione_do_when_she_was_horny/
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Scottish Obituary

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the Obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.  The Editor informs her that there is a charge of one dollar per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read: 'Fred Brown died.' "
Amused at the Woman's thrift, the Editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read:
'Fred Brown Died - golf clubs for sale.' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ud30/scottish_obituary/
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5 Jokes about Boiling Water

1. Perhaps I shouldn't joke on here about boiling water, it might be too steamy.
2. RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist.
3. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
4. What do you get when your pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies
5. One cannibal says to the other cannibal "hey I ate a missionary the other day and he gave me an upset
stomach." The second cannibal says "That's too bad. How'd you cook him?" The first cannibal says "Oh, I
threw him in the giant pot of boiling water like always." The second cannibal says "Makes sense. And what
did he look like?" The first cannibal says "The usual. Brown robe, rope belt, sandals." And the second
cannibal says "Well there's your problem. You boiled him, and he was a friar."
Bonus Related Joke: How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ucbm/5_jokes_about_boiling_water/
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I was kind enough to make you breakfast in bed.

If I'm kind enough to wake you up with breakfast in bed, I don't need to be hearing all this, "how'd you get into my house?," nonsense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ubg7/i_was_kind_enough_to_make_you_breakfast_in_bed/
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I slept like a baby last night

Shitting and screaming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70uaqh/i_slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
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A man breaks down in the middle of nowhere

and the only thing in sight is an old farmhouse. Walking to the house he finds an old farmer and his beautiful young wife living there.  The farmer says, "Its getting late and there is nothing I can do until morning. You're welcome to stay, but we only have the one bed so you'll have to sleep with us."
Seeing no alternative the man agrees and lays down between the farmer and his wife to sleep. Soon the farmer is snoring loudly and the wife turns to the man and says, "My husband is very old and unable to please me, why don't you and I fuck?"
The man protests and says the farmer will wake up and catch them, but the wife insists and tells him, "He is a heavy sleeper. Pull a hair out of his ass and watch."
The man does so and the farmer continues to sleep. The man shrugs and and he and the farmer's wife have loud, boisterous sex.
An hour goes by and the wife again says, "Roll over here and fuck me."
The man again protests, fearful of pressing his luck.
The wife says, "What did I tell you? He's a sound sleeper. Pull another hair out of his ass and watch."
The man does so and sure enough, the farmer continues snoring. So the man and the farmers wife again have sex.
Again, an hour later, the wife says the same thing, and again the man says, "Won't he wake up?"
The wife gives him the same instruction as before, but this time when he plucks a hair the farmer says, "Mister I don't care if you fuck my wife, but please stop keeping score on my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70u9xo/a_man_breaks_down_in_the_middle_of_nowhere/
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Masturbation is a lot like eating a Cinnabon

You feel guilty after both, and the cleanup is the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70u9vs/masturbation_is_a_lot_like_eating_a_cinnabon/
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Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry?

She had a filthy habit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70u6jo/did_you_hear_about_the_nun_who_procrastinated/
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You know the best thing about having a penis?

You get to share it with people who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70u366/you_know_the_best_thing_about_having_a_penis/
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My dad once asked me what a meme was

* Me: Picture with a caption, usually funny.
* Dad: Who would ever spend this much time making such things?
* Me:me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70u1ml/my_dad_once_asked_me_what_a_meme_was/
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What do you call an insect that used to drive people around for money?

Exuberant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70tylg/what_do_you_call_an_insect_that_used_to_drive/
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ttrx/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
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I'm not saying I drive a small car

But whenever I get home, my garage asks if it's in yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70tt5t/im_not_saying_i_drive_a_small_car/
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I met two guys wearing matching clothing, so I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70tt19/i_met_two_guys_wearing_matching_clothing_so_i/
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"My wife's first husband."

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70tsjv/my_wifes_first_husband/
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Today's lession will be about the moral of a story...

If any student can tell me a story and then correctly tell me the moral of that story we will have recess the rest of the day. Little Beverly raises her hand...
My daddy works at a chicken farm. Each Sunday we gather all the eggs, put them in a basket, and take them to market. Last Sunday we were driving to market when we hit a big pothole and the basket fell over breaking all the eggs. The moral is don't count your chickens before they hatch.
The teacher says, Beverly that was a good try but the moral for that story would be don't put all your eggs in one basket. Then little Johnny raised his hand...
My uncle Ted served in the Army's Airborne Rangers in Vietnam. He parachuted out of a C-130 over hostile territory with nothing but his rifle, a machete, and a bottle of cheap tequila. On the way to the ground he drank all of the tequila and upon landing he was surrounded by 1000 enemy combatants. He shot 500 rounds and killed 500 of them bastards before he was out of ammo, he stabbed and slashed 300 of them bastards before his machete broke, he beat another 50 to death with his rifle before the butt split in pieces. He killed the rest with the broken shards of glass from his tequila bottle and walked away without a scratch.
OH MY GOD JOHNNY, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE THE MORAL OF THAT STORY!? The teacher asks
Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ts8b/todays_lession_will_be_about_the_moral_of_a_story/
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How many mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70tlzu/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated buttplug

But it looks like apple beat me to it.
Turns out they are already making overpriced toys for assholes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70tiq5/i_tried_to_submit_a_patent_for_a_goldplated/
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Q: Why are most hurricanes named after women?

A: Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70tgqm/q_why_are_most_hurricanes_named_after_women/
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Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70tfk2/two_men_were_talking_so_hows_your_sex_life/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10, but also imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70tf1j/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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A man and a woman are sleeping together..

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70tba4/a_man_and_a_woman_are_sleeping_together/
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A man asks his wife,

"What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70tadg/a_man_asks_his_wife/
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A man goes to the psychiatrists wearing nothing but a layer of saran wrap.

When the man asked the Doctor to give  him a diagnosis, the Doctor replied: "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70t8jv/a_man_goes_to_the_psychiatrists_wearing_nothing/
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So there were a group of guys drinking at a bar...

When another customer leaned over and asked what they were celebrating.
"My buddy here is going to be a Doctor!"
"Really? What specialty?"
"He's going to be a gynecologist!"
"Really? I was this close to being a gynecologist!" He said, holding his fingers about an inch apart.
"What did you end up doing?"
"I'm a proctologist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70t7kl/so_there_were_a_group_of_guys_drinking_at_a_bar/
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A married man was having an affair with...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70t5os/a_married_man_was_having_an_affair_with/
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One day a husband exclaims to his wife..

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70szk8/one_day_a_husband_exclaims_to_his_wife/
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Who's the best basketball player in the Bible?

Peter.....
because he denied Jesus three times!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70szeu/whos_the_best_basketball_player_in_the_bible/
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What does a midget pope and my oldest underwear have in common?

They're both a little holy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70sxs8/what_does_a_midget_pope_and_my_oldest_underwear/
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[NSFW]Bae: babe come over..

Bae: babe come over
Me: I can't I'm having a threesome with an older couple
Bae: my parents aren't home
Me: I know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70sx2f/nsfwbae_babe_come_over/
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" [ adult ]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70su6i/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
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The organs in the body get into an argument...

(Heard this from my mom who works in a hospital...)
The brain says "I'm the most important. I control everything".  The heart says "yeah, but without me, you'd have no blood and couldn't function".  The lungs say "but without me, you'd have no oxygen in the blood".  They liver says "yeah but who do you think keeps this place clean?"
And on and on it went until the colon chimes in and says he is the most important... At which point, all the organs burst out laughing.  The colon gets really upset and closes off the sphincter.  Several days go by and the body is all blocked up and starting to go into sepsis.  All the organs plead to the colon to stop and agree he's the most important. The colon is satisfied and lets up...
Moral of the story... It doesn't take anyone important to fuck shit up. Just an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70soul/the_organs_in_the_body_get_into_an_argument/
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A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool.
Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70smrc/a_horse_is_sitting_at_home_watching_mtv/
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Martian sex

It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Like you do, I think," says the male Martian, "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So, after some discussion, they all agree to swap partners for one night.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen, disappointed beyond belief. The male Martian looks puzzled. "Why not?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to go inside me!"
"No problem," he says, and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. With each slap, his cock grows till it's actually pretty long. "Well," she says, "that's very impressive, but it's still quite narrow...." "No problem," says the male Martian, and he starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his cock grows wider and wider until it's huge! "Wow!" shouts Maureen, before they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.
Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike says to Maureen, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," replies Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," says Mike, "all I got was a terrible headache. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70sltd/martian_sex/
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What do you call a depressed robot?

A sigh borg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70sjaw/what_do_you_call_a_depressed_robot/
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My friends like meaningless, depressing, and sad jokes.

That's why they like me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70sj2w/my_friends_like_meaningless_depressing_and_sad/
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"Please send me a sister," I wrote to Santa.

"Ok, send me your mother." He replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70sig6/please_send_me_a_sister_i_wrote_to_santa/
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What do you call a duck with tentacles?

A quacken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70sgwu/what_do_you_call_a_duck_with_tentacles/
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Abortion is just like a nostalgic memory.

It really brings out the kid in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70sgo7/abortion_is_just_like_a_nostalgic_memory/
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How do you get a canadian to apologize?

Step on his foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70sfzh/how_do_you_get_a_canadian_to_apologize/
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What's the difference between your bonus and your di*k?

You don't have to beg a woman to
blow your bonus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70s9hj/whats_the_difference_between_your_bonus_and_your/
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What's a pirate favorite letter??

You would think it's R but really it's the C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70s64f/whats_a_pirate_favorite_letter/
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What's the worst thing about being an atheist?

There's no one to talk to when you're having an orgasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70s5lt/whats_the_worst_thing_about_being_an_atheist/
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What did the tailor say when he was given some bad news?

“That’s a lot to take in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70s54w/what_did_the_tailor_say_when_he_was_given_some/
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I have a fear of speed bumps

But I am slowly getting over it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ry38/i_have_a_fear_of_speed_bumps/
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What does an electrician say when you talk gibberish?

Watt are you talking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70rvcb/what_does_an_electrician_say_when_you_talk/
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Vacuums

They suck when they work and they suck when they don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70rrpz/vacuums/
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night?

Rolls around wondering if there's really a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70rp3w/what_does_a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac_do_at/
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How do you find a velociraptor

Divide a distanceraptor by a timeraptor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70rojt/how_do_you_find_a_velociraptor/
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My school camp had to change sex to gender on their form

Because too many people were putting down "yes please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70rgq2/my_school_camp_had_to_change_sex_to_gender_on/
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A couple of Jehovah witnesses!

A couple of Jehovah witnesses knocked on my door. When I answered, they asked "If they could come in and talk to me about Jesus."
I said sure and walked them to my living room. After sitting down on the sectional, I said ok what do you want to talk about?
They replied, " we're not really sure sir, we haven't ever made it this far before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70rgjd/a_couple_of_jehovah_witnesses/
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I went to the store with my wife!

While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart.
She asked what was I doing and I said "10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."
She replied, "We can't afford it, put it back."
So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of face cream and put it in the cart.
I asked, "How can we afford this?"
She replied, "Because this makes my face pretty."
I said so will a case of beer at half the price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70rfkn/i_went_to_the_store_with_my_wife/
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What do you call a bird that sticks to trees?

Velcrow.
(Thanks and credit to u/HRduffNstuff for rewording my original post :))

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70reqp/what_do_you_call_a_bird_that_sticks_to_trees/
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Why are Fish easy to weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70rcnx/why_are_fish_easy_to_weigh/
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A Gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70rc5j/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did the lion king die?

Because he didn't mufasa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70raxc/why_did_the_lion_king_die/
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Who is the greatest?

A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all
BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70r9f3/who_is_the_greatest/
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A woman asked a General in the army when he last made love to a woman.

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70r913/a_woman_asked_a_general_in_the_army_when_he_last/
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“When one door closes, another one opens,” he said.

“That’s all well and good,” I said, “But until you fix it, I’m not buying the car.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70r8z3/when_one_door_closes_another_one_opens_he_said/
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A wizard steps on someone's foot and says

Oh my gosh I am sorcery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70r8tk/a_wizard_steps_on_someones_foot_and_says/
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A pirate goes to a doctor

worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70r8gl/a_pirate_goes_to_a_doctor/
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I love my Ancient History class...

But my teacher tends to Babylon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70r5q6/i_love_my_ancient_history_class/
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"If I touch myself here, here, here, or here, it hurts!"

Doctor: Well, your finger appears to be broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70r405/if_i_touch_myself_here_here_here_or_here_it_hurts/
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What did the egg say before it got boiled?

It's gonna take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid by a chick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70r2nt/what_did_the_egg_say_before_it_got_boiled/
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I once visited a gay strip club in Soho, where the main attraction was a drag queen/ stripper they called Mrs.Doubtfire...

She was hung like Robin Williams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70r1ek/i_once_visited_a_gay_strip_club_in_soho_where_the/
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If I’m ever on life support

unplug me then plug me back in. That usually works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70qzda/if_im_ever_on_life_support/
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I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend

But it just won't cut it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70qzd2/i_wanted_to_tell_a_knife_joke_to_my_friend/
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A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear

Ahh Migraines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70qz87/a_wheat_farmer_has_a_headache_and_all_his_crops/
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Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?

In a communest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70qyx0/where_does_a_socialist_bird_lay_its_eggs/
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To the guy that found my empty wallet.

I don’t know how to repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70qwir/to_the_guy_that_found_my_empty_wallet/
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What did the French baker buy his wife to surprise her on Valentine's day?

BOO-lingerie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70qsmx/what_did_the_french_baker_buy_his_wife_to/
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What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?

BA NAA NAA NAAAA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70qs85/what_was_beethovens_favorite_fruit/
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The dictionary I ordered on eBay had only blank pages

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70qo31/the_dictionary_i_ordered_on_ebay_had_only_blank/
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I was mugged......

.....by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. " Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70qj0q/i_was_mugged/
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You can't run through a campsite.

You can only *ran* because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70qhwe/you_cant_run_through_a_campsite/
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A teacher says to a boy: "Answer one question i'm gonna give you and you can go home."

Boy :"Ok."
Teacher:"What state is Las Vegas located in?"
Boy:"That state"
Teacher:"What state exactly?"
Boy:"Woah, that's already the second question."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70qevk/a_teacher_says_to_a_boy_answer_one_question_im/
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My parents just told me they’d love another child. I said, “I’d love a little brother or sister!”

They said, “That’s not what we meant.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70qef1/my_parents_just_told_me_theyd_love_another_child/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb

One. they hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70qb9a/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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10 year old boy and grandad go camping...

Boy: Granddad can I have a sip of beer?
Granddad: can your penis reach your ass?
Boy: no.
Granddad: then you'll have to wait until it does.
Boy goes to the cooler and grabs an ice cream sandwich.
Granddad: hey grandson, can I have a bite of your sandwich?
Boy: can your penis reach your ass?
Granddad: why, yes it can grandson.
Boy: then go screw yourself; this is my ice cream sandwich!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70q9tw/10_year_old_boy_and_grandad_go_camping/
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I asked my incontinent father-in-law if he wanted anything from the store,he replied ...

"Depends"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70q8k5/i_asked_my_incontinent_fatherinlaw_if_he_wanted/
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A horny man tried mug me..

Good thing I beat him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70q236/a_horny_man_tried_mug_me/
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A kid asked his mother why his sister was named rose.

His mother replied to him, explaining that roses were her favorite color.
He then asked her the same question in regards to his own name.
"You'll get it when you're older, Richard," she responded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70q0yi/a_kid_asked_his_mother_why_his_sister_was_named/
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Where can I meet new people?

I'm just asking for a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70pzs1/where_can_i_meet_new_people/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a suicid vest?

You actually care when the suicide vest get's triggered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70pyj1/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70pwxp/a_mathematician_couldnt_remember_if_he_had_been/
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What is a Vegans favourite animal?

The high horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70pwgj/what_is_a_vegans_favourite_animal/
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I can communicate via smoke signals but I can only say one thing.

"We are having a fire"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70pt5x/i_can_communicate_via_smoke_signals_but_i_can/
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why can't jesus christ eat m&m's?

because they keep on falling through his hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ppxq/why_cant_jesus_christ_eat_mms/
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A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals

I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said,
"Eight black men and a gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ppxn/a_girl_i_know_said_the_last_time_she_had_sex_it/
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How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70pnt1/how_do_you_make_5_pounds_of_fat_look_good/
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So a guy asks me why I've been letting my grapes dry out...

and so I told him "I have my raisins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70pjg1/so_a_guy_asks_me_why_ive_been_letting_my_grapes/
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You know those this you throw on the ground, and they snap and crackel?

They are called the Elderly, and it's illegal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70per3/you_know_those_this_you_throw_on_the_ground_and/
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This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70pdvq/this_is_probably_the_best_joke_that_i_a_dad_have/
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A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70pdqt/a_boy_is_loudly_praying_god_please_give_me_a/
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[NSFW] Light beer is like sex in a canoe..

Fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70pcy0/nsfw_light_beer_is_like_sex_in_a_canoe/
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniac's

Because they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70pcd7/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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I spent all day working on a bunch of puns about limousine drivers.

But I still have nothing to chauffeur it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70p772/i_spent_all_day_working_on_a_bunch_of_puns_about/
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A male porn star goes to watch a play...

He is seated next to a nun who is also there to watch the play.
As he glances over to her he notices she is one of the most beautiful women he has ever seen, so he whispers in her ear, "I wish to make sweet love to you."
The nun is offended and slaps him, she yells, "I'm a nun and have a vow of celibacy, that will never happen!"
The poor actor tells his sad story to his barber later that day, to which the barber says, "I know just how you can make love to that beautiful nun!"
"How?" asks the confused actor.
The barber responds, "Every Tuesday night she goes to the local cemetery to pray next to the old pastor's tomb, just paint your dick white, show up that night and claim you are God and command her to make love to you, she surely will."
The actor, encouraged by that great idea, paints his dick white and sure enough when he shows up to the dark cemetery the nun is there praying.
He walks up to her, in the nude, and with his member painted white, and confidently says, "I am God, I will make all your prayers come true, but first you must make love to me!"
The excited nun says, "Oh yes my Lord! But from behind please, I need to keep my virginity."
She lifts her dress and the actor gets to do his long awaited deed.
After 20 minutes of pleasure the actor can't contain himself anymore and breaks down laughing and says, "Hahahahaha you really thought I was God, I'm the guy that sat next to you at the theater the other day!"
He then hears,"Hahahahaha and you thought I was the nun, I'm your barber."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70p6x6/a_male_porn_star_goes_to_watch_a_play/
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Todd comes into work one morning just grinning, and struts straight over to his coworker Jim.

"Damn, man! You know that new secretary, Tiffany? I banged her last night, and I gotta tell you! She was so hot in bed, she was even better than my wife!"
Jim high-fives him and they head off to work.
A few days later, Jim comes strutting in, grinning, and walks straight over to Todd.
"You weren't kidding, man! I banged that new secretary, Tiffany, last night too, and she was something else! Though, honestly, I don't think she was as good in bed as your wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70p6ku/todd_comes_into_work_one_morning_just_grinning/
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An Englishman, A Scotsman, and an Irishman are getting drinks, and they each get a fly in their beer.

The Englishman pushes his drink away, disgusted. The Scotsman takes out the fly and drinks his beer. The Irishman picks up the fly and yells to it, "Alright, spit it out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70p58a/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are/
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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70oxuv/a_mormon_was_seated_next_to_an_irishman_on_a/
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Do you know why God made Adam and Eve white?

Have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ouam/do_you_know_why_god_made_adam_and_eve_white/
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A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas.

She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The filler clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark from the cigarette lit her arm on fire. The woman began to scream for help, and waved her arm about trying to put the fire out. A highway patrolman who happened to be nearby ran over and saw the woman flailing about in pain. Without hesitation, he pulled his handgun out of the holster and shot her three times.
A few weeks later in court, the judge asked the patrolman why on earth he shot that woman?
The patrolman answers, "well your honor, she was waving around a firearm!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ooge/a_woman_was_at_a_gas_station_filling_her_car_with/
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A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says,

"Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70om99/a_bank_robber_pulls_out_gun_points_it_at_the/
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What does eating pussy and being in the mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and your in deep shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70oln0/what_does_eating_pussy_and_being_in_the_mafia/
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My boss came over today to tell me how I built my house wrong.

I'm not good with taking constructive criticism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ol3f/my_boss_came_over_today_to_tell_me_how_i_built_my/
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What's something that's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70oj5q/whats_something_thats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the "P" is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70oik1/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_going_to_the/
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What's the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ogb8/whats_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
%
what do you call a bear that's been in the rain too long

a drizzly bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ofce/what_do_you_call_a_bear_thats_been_in_the_rain/
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Yo momma's so fat

When she went to McDonalds they had to call Burger King for backup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70oeis/yo_mommas_so_fat/
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What's the difference between oooh and aaah?

2 inches.
Credit goes to the random old lady who told me the joke :p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70od4g/whats_the_difference_between_oooh_and_aaah/
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

...They're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ocpo/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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What's worse than lobsters on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ociu/whats_worse_than_lobsters_on_your_piano/
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The Cardiologist's Funeral

A renowned cardiologist passed away, and all his friends from the same hospital attended his funeral. In order to pay tribute to his profession and his passion, he was buried in a coffin shaped like a heart.
After the service, it was noticed that one of the doctors was smiling. When asked why, he said "Oh, I'm just imagining my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist, you see."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70oc60/the_cardiologists_funeral/
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An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for the past two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70oc5j/an_18yearold_italian_girl_tells_her_mother_that/
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Procrastinators Unite!

Tomorrow...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70o97x/procrastinators_unite/
%
My girlfriend thinks she has a stalker

Well..she's not actually my girlfriend yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70o82p/my_girlfriend_thinks_she_has_a_stalker/
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Did you hear about the lady that got fired from the sperm bank?

Drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70o43v/did_you_hear_about_the_lady_that_got_fired_from/
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A dad is washing the car with his son.

After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70o2it/a_dad_is_washing_the_car_with_his_son/
%
Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ntyo/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
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I found out my buddy had an acorn fetish:

It's fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ntlz/i_found_out_my_buddy_had_an_acorn_fetish/
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To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ntjv/to_this_day_the_boy_that_used_to_bully_me_at/
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I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man...

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt
I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU
'What is your message?' I asked.
YOU SHOULD BE DANCING
Fear started flushing over me, 'Why should I be dancing?'
NIGHT FEVER
I started to become more confused then frightened now, I needed to get to the bottom of this. 'You're talking gibberish' I shouted!
JIVE TALKIN. HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE. STAYING ALIVE...
'God damn it!' I shouted. That old bastard sold me a Bee Gee board!
.
.
.
.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70nr2y/i_bought_a_ouija_board_recently_from_a_strange/
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What does the L stand for in Samuel L Jackson?

Motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70nqub/what_does_the_l_stand_for_in_samuel_l_jackson/
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Why do you always see teen girls in groups of three?

Because they literally can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70nq80/why_do_you_always_see_teen_girls_in_groups_of/
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How do you get a snake to stop hissing?

You give it an antiHISStamine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70npuy/how_do_you_get_a_snake_to_stop_hissing/
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Why did the fish get kicked out of school?

Because he got caught with seaweed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70nok8/why_did_the_fish_get_kicked_out_of_school/
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A lot of my friends tell me I'd look good in a straitjacket

But I don't think I could pull if off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70nndf/a_lot_of_my_friends_tell_me_id_look_good_in_a/
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My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70nltx/my_german_girlfriend_likes_to_rate_my_sexual/
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A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.
Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70nknw/a_man_was_killed_by_an_assassin/
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Let's replace the glass ceiling for women

With something much easier for them to clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70nd6s/lets_replace_the_glass_ceiling_for_women/
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Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny

Judge: What?
Attorney: He's in a cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70nc8k/attorney_my_client_is_trapped_in_a_penny/
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A homeless guy sleeps on a parkbench.

A homeless guy sleeps on a parkbench, knocked out from alcohol and his asscrack showing a little.
A horny gay man happens to walk by and sees the opportunity and takes advantage of it. After he's done, he slips the homeless a 20 dollar bill and goes on his way.
The homeless man wakes up and sees the 20 dollar bill in his hand, not thinking much of it, and decides to go to the store to buy some red wine.
Finding himself back on the same parkbench after drinking all of the wine, he feels tired and falls asleep again.
The same guy happens to walk by again and the exact same situation occurs. Again he slips him a 20 dollar bill and goes on his way.
Homeless guy wakes up the next day, sees the 20 dollar bill and buys the same wine from the same store again.
The whole scenario happens for the third time and the homeless guy walks to the same store again.
Cashier being familiar with the guy by now, asks him: "The regular?"
Homeless man responds: "No, give me white wine this time, red one makes my ass hurt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70nag6/a_homeless_guy_sleeps_on_a_parkbench/
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I wanted to share my novel based on the phone book over twitter

But it's got more than 140 characters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70n8z2/i_wanted_to_share_my_novel_based_on_the_phone/
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If a tree falls and only a woman hears it....

whats a tree doing in the kitchen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70n8v5/if_a_tree_falls_and_only_a_woman_hears_it/
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Can I start digging?

Society: No wtf that's grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
How about now?
Society: Ok, now it's archaeology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70n7px/can_i_start_digging/
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This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm".

I said, "It's sedate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70n7f2/this_girl_said_she_would_go_out_with_me_if_i_knew/
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What goes "hahahaha" then *Thump*?

A man laughing his head off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70n2un/what_goes_hahahaha_then_thump/
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A beautiful woman on the top floor of a 4 storey apartment building trips and falls over her balcony.

The neighbour living in the floor below happened to be outside when he heard her scream. He looked up and saw her coming down and as any good man would do, he caught her in his arms as she dangled over the edge.
"Save me, please!!" She cried.
The man began to pull her up but stopped when he realised her beauty..
"Would you sleep with me?" He asked.
"How dare you! Never!" She yelled, disgusted.
So he dropped her.
By this time, the other neighbours below heard the commotion and rushed to their balconies to watch.
The man in the next floor down caught her as she screamed to be rescued. He was better looking and pulled her up most of the way.
"Please, please help me!" She cried.
"How about me? Would you do me for saving you?" He shiftily asked while gesturing at his Thomas.
"What the fuck is wrong with you!? No!" She yelled angrily.
He, too, dropped her.
The neighbour below was a holy man and saw the entire commotion. Disgusted at the behaviour of the swine above, he caught her and started pulling her up to the safety of his balcony when the woman screamed:
"OK, OK I'LL FUCK YOU, JUST HELP ME!!!!"
"God forbid!!" He shrieked as he dropped her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70mxgq/a_beautiful_woman_on_the_top_floor_of_a_4_storey/
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I met an old Air Force guy.

He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70mwzw/i_met_an_old_air_force_guy/
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A vegan, feminist and a famous rapper walk in a bar

I only knew because they told me 10 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70mwrk/a_vegan_feminist_and_a_famous_rapper_walk_in_a_bar/
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God said “Adam, I want you to do something for me"

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do ?”
God said, “Go down into that valley”
Adam said, “What’s a valley ?”
God explained it to him.  Then God said
“Cross the River."
Adam said, “What’s a river ?"
God explained that to him, and then said,
“Go over to the hill …”
Adam said, “What is a hill ?”
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was
He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave”
Adam said, ‘What’s a cave ?'
After God explained, He said, “In the cave you will find a woman”
Adam said, “What’s a woman ?'   So God explained that to him, too
Then, God said, ‘I want you to reproduce"
Adam said, “How do I do that ?”
God first said (under His breath), “Geez …”
And then, just like everything else,
God explained that to Adam as well
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman
In about five minutes, he was back
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it
Adam said
“What's a Headache ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70mw95/god_said_adam_i_want_you_to_do_something_for_me/
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Jokes that say women should stay in the kitchen are so offensive...

How else are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70mvw0/jokes_that_say_women_should_stay_in_the_kitchen/
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What do you call liberals in a basement?

A whine cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70muhq/what_do_you_call_liberals_in_a_basement/
%
I wish Medusa would stop objectifying people

Ba dum, tiss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70mm1h/i_wish_medusa_would_stop_objectifying_people/
%
What do you call someone who lives in a bathroom?

A lieutenant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ml1a/what_do_you_call_someone_who_lives_in_a_bathroom/
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There's an Army guy and an Air Force guy.

There's an Air Force guy driving from Wagga to Richmond, and an Army guy driving from Richmond to Wagga. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,"Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
So the Air Force guy pops open his boot and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70mkdc/theres_an_army_guy_and_an_air_force_guy/
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What type of joke is the best joke?

A Communist joke, because everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70miso/what_type_of_joke_is_the_best_joke/
%
The year is 2017.

There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my arsehole and wriggles it about a bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70mcbo/the_year_is_2017/
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I like how when people in the Bible, like Noah, hear voices, it's "God speaking to them"

But when I hear voices I'm "Clinically insane"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70m9dy/i_like_how_when_people_in_the_bible_like_noah/
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You see a mousetrap

I see free cheese and a challenge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70m8on/you_see_a_mousetrap/
%
An electrician was working at an apartment when he got electrocuted.

He died before he even knew watts up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70m25r/an_electrician_was_working_at_an_apartment_when/
%
A kid was doing horribly in math class..

He always brought home an F or C- on his report card. His parents decided to put him in a private catholic school to help him improve. All of a sudden his grades improved drastically. He had an A+ on every report card for Math. His parents finally asked, "Son, what changed? How did you improve so much in your Math class?"  He responded, "Well, when I walked in to class on the first day I saw a picture of a man nailed to a plus sign, so I knew they meant business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70lqd3/a_kid_was_doing_horribly_in_math_class/
%
I have compiled a list of the 10 worst things about my ADHD.

1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70lofr/i_have_compiled_a_list_of_the_10_worst_things/
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I Will Never Forget My Son's First Words

Where the fuck have you been for 16 years?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70lmiw/i_will_never_forget_my_sons_first_words/
%
I hear Heisenberg and his wife are having problems

When he has the time, he doesn't have the energy, and when he has the position, he can't get the momentum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70lkgi/i_hear_heisenberg_and_his_wife_are_having_problems/
%
I bought a fan from Home Depot and it came fully assembled.

I love it when a fan comes together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70leyq/i_bought_a_fan_from_home_depot_and_it_came_fully/
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What did the blond name her zebra?

Spot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70leav/what_did_the_blond_name_her_zebra/
%
A woman stole from our bakery today

We've had some bad stuff happen, but this really takes the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70le1y/a_woman_stole_from_our_bakery_today/
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What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?

a knife has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ldgl/whats_the_difference_between_a_knife_and_a_woman/
%
My brother threw a milk carton at me today.

How dairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70l466/my_brother_threw_a_milk_carton_at_me_today/
%
Why are gay people bad at telling jokes?

They can't keep a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70l3gx/why_are_gay_people_bad_at_telling_jokes/
%
How do you confuse an idiot?

With 6 potatoes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70l1tu/how_do_you_confuse_an_idiot/
%
I wish I could be a dopey teenager with acne for one day

Being one everyday sucks balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70kyl7/i_wish_i_could_be_a_dopey_teenager_with_acne_for/
%
My friend said that if you drink the fluid from a magic eight ball you could tell the future.....

He said that he was going to die, he died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ky2q/my_friend_said_that_if_you_drink_the_fluid_from_a/
%
We got our Seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

It's for Autumnmobiles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70kszm/we_got_our_seasonal_bulk_in_at_work_today_and_got/
%
What's brown and sounds like a bell?

DUNG

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ksce/whats_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
%
Why did the Unicorns become extinct?

Because unicorns are gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70kpq1/why_did_the_unicorns_become_extinct/
%
Where does Peter the Great buy his coffee?

Tsarbucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70kn3m/where_does_peter_the_great_buy_his_coffee/
%
Got a letter from the tax office saying my tax was outstanding.

Which was a nice surprise, because I don't even remember doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70kmzk/got_a_letter_from_the_tax_office_saying_my_tax/
%
A man is going into hand surgery...

He asks his doctor, "Will I be able to play the piano after the procedure?"
"Sure," his doctor replies.
"Good," says the man. "I've always wanted to be able to play."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70khvv/a_man_is_going_into_hand_surgery/
%
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70kdzg/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/
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There was this quaint old town . . .

There was this quaint old town, but it had a huge church with a large bell at the top.  Every day at noon, a man who had the job of ringing the bell would hit it.  A young orphan boy would always go wait around the back of the church to listen to the bells ring.  One day, the priest noticed him. "What are you doing all alone, here?"
The boy replied, "I love listening to the bells ring, they should be ringing in exactly one minute!"
The priest smiled and invites the boy in.  He walks him up to the big bell, and offers him the opportunity to ring it. After the priest walks away, filled with excitement, the boy rushes up towards the bell, but trips and falls forward into it.  A powerful ring comes, echoing across town, from the orphan's face slamming into the giant metal bell. The priest comes back running up the stairs, and the boy starts apologizing, saying how he tripped and hit his face on the bell, but immediately after finishing, the priest exclaims, "That was amazing! I've never heard such a beautiful bell! How would you like to ring it every day, seeing as you already know the timing?"
The boy is ecstatic, and immediately accepts the offer.  He is so dedicated to the job, that he spends all his time in the bell tower, only sneaking out late at night to steal food.  Many years later, nobody in the town remembers him, due to his constant absence.  Shop owners forget his daring thievery, mothers forget the kid playing and running around the street, and the priest forgets him too.  However, one night, as he is stealing a loaf of bread from a bakery, the baker spots him, and reports it to the authorities.  They sketch him as best they can, and ask around town if they know who it is, but no one does.  Then, they go into the old church and ask the priest.  The old man ponders for a moment and says,
"I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70k9gx/there_was_this_quaint_old_town/
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Trump should build the wall with Hilary's emails

No one can get over them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70k82x/trump_should_build_the_wall_with_hilarys_emails/
%
My friend finally got married at 45...

I asked him how his wedding night was:
- I fucked up so bad! When we were done, I got a 100$ bill and left it on her nightstand out of habit!
- Shit, what happened?
- That's when it got worst. She gave me back change!
--------
PS. Roughly translated from my native language, my English sucks blablabla...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70k3gz/my_friend_finally_got_married_at_45/
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Why did Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?

So she could sing with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70k1ug/why_did_helen_keller_play_the_piano_with_one_hand/
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What do you see when a woman in the Army wears her pants too tight?

Camo toe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jyni/what_do_you_see_when_a_woman_in_the_army_wears/
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Prehistoric math joke

In a certain tribe, in which polygamy was practiced, a married man’s standing in the tribe depended upon the combined weight of his wives-the greater the combined weight, the more important was the man. Every year, on weighing day and according to custom, the married men would stand their wives on neatly spread animal skins, and the chief of the tribe would come around with a crude seesaw and balance the wives of one man against those of another in order to determine the relative importance of the men. Now Gog had only one wife, who was very heavy, while Gug had two much slenderer wives, and all year the two men argued as to who was the more important, When weighing day arrived, Gog placed his wife on a large hippopotamus skin, and Gug placed his wives on two small gazelle skins
When the weighing was performed, it was found that Gog’s wife exactly balanced against the two wives of Gug. Thus it turned out that the two men were equally important, since, by the chief’s ruling, “the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jx8m/prehistoric_math_joke/
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I went house hunting over the weekend...

I went to see a house that had mirrors all over the walls and I could definitely see myself living there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jwq9/i_went_house_hunting_over_the_weekend/
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I'll never forget what my grandfather said right before he died

Are you still holding the fucking ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jv4q/ill_never_forget_what_my_grandfather_said_right/
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Found in an old math book

Good induction versus bad induction.
A scientist had two Iarge jars before him on the laboratory table. The jar on his left contained a hundred fleas; the jar on his right was empty. The scientist carefully lifted a flea from the jar on the left, placed the flea on the table between the two jars, stepped back and in a loud voice said, “Jump.” The flea jumped and was put in the jar on the right. A second flea was carefully lifted from the jar on the left and placed on the table between the two jars. Again the scientist stepped back and in a loud voice said, “Jump.” The flea jumped and was put in the jar on the right. In the same manner, the scientist treated each of the hundred fleas in the jar on the left, and each flea jumped as ordered.
The two jars were then interchanged and the experiment continued with a slight difference. This time the scientist carefully lifted a flea from the jar on the left, yanked of its hind legs, placed the flea on the table between the jars, stepped back and in a loud voice said, “Jump.” The flea did not jump, and was put in the jar on the right. A second flea was carefully lifted from the jar on the left, its hind legs yanked off, and then placed on the table between the two jars. Again the scientist stepped back and in a loud voice said, “Jump.” The flea did not jump, and was put in the jar on the right. In this manner, the scientist treated each of the hundred fleas in the jar on the left, and in no case did a flea jump when ordered.
So the scientist recorded in his notebook the following induction: “A flea, if its hind legs are yanked off, cannot hear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jtu8/found_in_an_old_math_book/
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What do dyslexic zombies eat?

Brians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jp01/what_do_dyslexic_zombies_eat/
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A prisoner spends years digging a tunnel out of jail ...

He comes up inside a preschool yard. He starts jumping up and down and screaming "I'm free!! I'm free!!"
A little kid tugs on his pants. The prisoner looks down and the kid says nonchalantly: "So what? I'm four."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jn76/a_prisoner_spends_years_digging_a_tunnel_out_of/
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I get so angry when I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt.

I just can’t take it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jmxf/i_get_so_angry_when_i_see_someone_with_their/
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I saw a post on Craigslist that said: Radio for sale, $1. Volume knob stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jmk1/i_saw_a_post_on_craigslist_that_said_radio_for/
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A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jlx0/a_blond_and_a_redhead_are_talking_one_afternoon/
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A skeleton walks into a bar

He orders a drink and a mop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jkjw/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
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What is Kim Jun-Un's largest fear?

Projectile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jiuz/what_is_kim_jununs_largest_fear/
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I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jir5/i_bet_ted_cruz_has_two_twitter_accounts_now_one/
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an employee asked me if they could clock out

i replied "you can clock out anytime you like, but you can never leave!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jhf1/an_employee_asked_me_if_they_could_clock_out/
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I wrote a joke about theft.

Well, my friend did, but I'll use it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jgev/i_wrote_a_joke_about_theft/
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If dinosaurs came back from extinction, I like to think they would end up on this subreddit.

Then they'd laugh and say, "People are still using our jokes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jft8/if_dinosaurs_came_back_from_extinction_i_like_to/
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Mosquito bit me 8 times.

Mosquito byte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jd24/mosquito_bit_me_8_times/
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I got my wife an amazing new lipstick that makes you lose weight.

It's called "Superglue".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jazl/i_got_my_wife_an_amazing_new_lipstick_that_makes/
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Why couldn't Moses believe that his mother abandoned him in the river?

He was in da-Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70jacr/why_couldnt_moses_believe_that_his_mother/
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Why can’t blind people eat fish?

Because it’s sea food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ja1a/why_cant_blind_people_eat_fish/
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Another dad joke

Mom: The can opener isn't working anymore.
Dad: So it's a can't opener?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70j3rx/another_dad_joke/
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The girls in the tower

It was a rainy night when the man walked into the tower. He saw a single flight of stairs and a door, and when he went past it, it locked itself.
In front of him was the most repulsive being you could conceive. The very idea of disgusting. She winked at the man, and said "Stay with me, or you'll blow up." Panicking, he went past the woman and climbed up the flight of stairs behind her. He reached another room, with an other hideous lady, but slightly less so than the previous one. Again, she said "Stay With me, or you blow up."
The man took no notice and continued climbing. On each floor, there was a woman more beautiful than the last. However, each said the same thing: "Stay with me, or you'll blow up." When he reached the 9th floor, the most gorgeous woman he ever saw was standing before him. Again, she gave him the same warning.
The man thought: if that woman is te most beautiful woman I've ever seen, the one on the 10th floor must be a goddess... So he walked past her, and climbed the last set of stairs. When he reached the 10th floor, the door locked behind him.
In front of him, loomed a giant of a man. Impossibly huge, naked save for a leopard-patterned thong, with quite the noticeable bulge. The giant smiled.
"Hi, The name's Up."
Sorry, this joke doesn't work in English, I had to adapt it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70j2ff/the_girls_in_the_tower/
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What's a lobster's favorite part of a build-your-own-pizza bar?

The crust station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70iyyt/whats_a_lobsters_favorite_part_of_a/
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Yo mama's so fat...

when she was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 80 years to live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70iyvw/yo_mamas_so_fat/
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What do you call a Spanish midget?

A paragraph. He's just too small to be an Essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ixr3/what_do_you_call_a_spanish_midget/
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Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classical conditioning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ixls/why_was_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70iwh3/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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Well, I totally got robbed during a night out last night.

We're ok. They got $50. All we got was some candy, a bucket of popcorn, and a mediocre movie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70imfx/well_i_totally_got_robbed_during_a_night_out_last/
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What do you call it when you get a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ilwu/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_a_boner_at_a/
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What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

Lukewarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ik4s/what_is_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
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Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ij13/sometimes_i_hide_my_girlfriends_inhaler/
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They say there's safety in numbers

Tell that to six million Jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ihw2/they_say_theres_safety_in_numbers/
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I asked the prostitute will she accept bitcoin ?

"No, it goes up and down more than you do"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70icky/i_asked_the_prostitute_will_she_accept_bitcoin/
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[nsfw] Two condoms walk by a gay bar...

and the one says to the other "Hey, do you want to get shitfaced?" .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ib8l/nsfw_two_condoms_walk_by_a_gay_bar/
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I went to a fight the other night

... And a hockey game broke out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70i9hj/i_went_to_a_fight_the_other_night/
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Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.

The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. “I'll have some fuckin' French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don't know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70i6g2/three_kids_come_down_to_the_kitchen_and_sit/
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Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a Chicken Sedan..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70i4i2/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_2_doors/
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I really hope the new 'It' movie is as good as the original..

Because those are some big shoes to fill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70i1y7/i_really_hope_the_new_it_movie_is_as_good_as_the/
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Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled when she was on her menstrual cycle?

They said she had a mean flow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70hzrv/did_you_hear_about_the_female_rapper_who_only/
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Southerners can do pretty good civil war voice impressions....

General Lee speaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70hya8/southerners_can_do_pretty_good_civil_war_voice/
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I ate a German sausage the other day,

It was the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70hvz2/i_ate_a_german_sausage_the_other_day/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said, "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied, "Well, if there are millions and millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely that there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said, "Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70hvj6/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_were_going_camping/
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I started working at the large wildlife crematorium

And now I’m urning the big bucks.
**********
Disclaimer: was told this by a friend. Who isn’t on reddit. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to previously posted jokes, living or dead, or actual jokes is purely coincidental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70htp6/i_started_working_at_the_large_wildlife/
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What's the difference between a blind sniper and a constipated owl?

One shoots, but can't hit. The other hoots, but can't shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70hghe/whats_the_difference_between_a_blind_sniper_and_a/
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A woman is standing in line at a grocery store...

In front of her is a granddad and his young grandson. The kid goes "I WANT THAT CANDY NOW!" as he swings his arms around. The grandfather says "James, calm down or you're gonna hit someone."
A while later the kid goes "GIVE ME THAT TOY NOW!". His grandfather says "James, just be patient."
The kid then goes and throws the food out of their cart. The grandfather calmly says "James, relax. We're gonna go home soon."
When they leave the grocery store, the woman that was behind them goes up to them. She tells the old man "I have two kids of my own, and I just wanna say you have a very good temper and clearly love your grandson very much." Then she looks and the boy and says "James, you're very lucky to have such a great grandfather."
The old man says "Actually I'm James. This piece of shit demon child is Max."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70hfa1/a_woman_is_standing_in_line_at_a_grocery_store/
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I have lost 140 pounds

Please let me know if you find my wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70hep9/i_have_lost_140_pounds/
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What does an Chinese person put cream cheese on?

a beagle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70heee/what_does_an_chinese_person_put_cream_cheese_on/
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Give a man a fire...

Give a man a fire he'll be warm for a night
Set a man on fire he'll be warm for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70he4c/give_a_man_a_fire/
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What can you say about your car, but not your girlfriend?

She died last week, but I still use some of the parts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70hdhv/what_can_you_say_about_your_car_but_not_your/
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Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In memory of all the faces buried there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70hddu/why_do_women_wear_panties_with_flowers_on_them/
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The hardest thing about being a pedophile

Is fitting in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70hae6/the_hardest_thing_about_being_a_pedophile/
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The Priest: "All sinful pleasures lead to hell my child"

Me: "I guess Hell will be a godamn party hall, sign me up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70h8lp/the_priest_all_sinful_pleasures_lead_to_hell_my/
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One afternoon a man was out playing golf...

He is about to hit a difficult lie next to a pond.  suddenly he hear "ribbit, 4 iron".  He is alone, so has no clue who is talking.  again "ribbit, 4 iron"  He looks around and sees a frog looking at him.  "ribbit, 4 iron"  He says "well I think you are wrong, but what the hell.  and hits the 4 iron.  The ball flies true and lands on the green just a foot from the hole.  "Huh,  I'm gonna take you with me" them an tells the frog and scoops him up.
The rest of the course the frog is giving advice "ribbit 3 wood"  "ribbit 5 iron"  and every time the man shoots under par having the best round of his life.  After the 18th the man looks at the asks "well, what now"?  "Ribbit, Vegas!"  "Hell ya, lets go" and they head to the airport and catch the next flight.
When they get there, "where to"  "Ribbit Caesars"  and off they go in a cab.  Once there "Ribbit roulette"  The man heads to the nearest roulette table.  "ribbit Red 14"  so the man puts down $500 on red 14 and IT HITS!!!  Not long and the man is up several hundred thousand dollars, but it is late and he is tired.  He gets a luxury suite and heads up.
"Frog" he says after ordering room service, "Thanks to you this has been the best day of my life.  How can I ever repay you?"
"Ribbit KISS ME!!!"  The man hesitates for a second then thinks, what the hell how bad can it be and kissed the frog.  Suddenly in a puff of smoke the frog turns into a beautiful, and totally naked 15 year old girl
"And *that* your honor is how she ended up in my hotel room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70h8ak/one_afternoon_a_man_was_out_playing_golf/
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Why can't Stevie Wonder drive a bus?

There's no steering wheel at the back of the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70h7e8/why_cant_stevie_wonder_drive_a_bus/
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[NSFW] Father, to friend at work..

Father, to friend at work: "I'm really bummed out -- I just found out my 14-year old son has been fucking his teacher."
Friend: Bummed our? You should be proud of the little stud!
Father: Nah, he's being home-schooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70h69c/nsfw_father_to_friend_at_work/
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All these people complaining about the price of air for tires..

They need to realize that's it's just inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70h46b/all_these_people_complaining_about_the_price_of/
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I want to make a science joke.

But all the good ones argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70h43g/i_want_to_make_a_science_joke/
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I always seem to be telling jokes at the most inappropriate moments.

For years I've been attempting to suppress my gag reflex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70h1ju/i_always_seem_to_be_telling_jokes_at_the_most/
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How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70h10p/how_do_you_fix_a_broken_pumpkin/
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my girlfriend is a lot like the Fedex guy.

She only comes when I'm not home.
(Probably not original but I haven't heard it before)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70h0cj/my_girlfriend_is_a_lot_like_the_fedex_guy/
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RIP boiled water.

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70gxh4/rip_boiled_water/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70gxcp/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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Why did the butcher get fired?

He kept playing with his meat in front of the customers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70gwah/why_did_the_butcher_get_fired/
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I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died...

Which was lucky, because he stepped on a Landmine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70gto4/i_wasnt_particularly_close_to_my_dad_before_he/
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What do you call an angry and annoyed German

A sour Kraut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70grtf/what_do_you_call_an_angry_and_annoyed_german/
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1/10 would not visit here again

Went to a restaurant downtown the other day. I ask the waiter for food, he said food only comes in sets of 10 dishes each. There are three main chefs there and the restaurant is peculiar because they all want to cook only their own set. So I decide to go to the restaurant once for each chef.
The first set I ordered was delicious, all at a reasonable price. It was a bit weird though as every dish on the menu had soy sauce, but I ordered anyway. I asked the waiter why this was. "Oh," he said, "that is Chinese cook."
I left satisfied and came again another time for second set. This time, all 10 of the dishes were pasta. I asked the waiter again about this. "Oh," he said, "that is Italian cook."
I became accustomed to the restaurant's peculiarity. I was especially curious about the third chef.
The next night, I immediately ordered the third set without looking. It was surprisingly varied and normal, except that only nine dishes came out. After finishing the ninth meal, I asked the waiter where the tenth dish was.
"That is the tenth dish. This chef skipped the ninth," he said.
Agitated, I asked who the chef was so I could complain personally.
"Oh," the waiter replied. "that is Tim Cook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70gq8m/110_would_not_visit_here_again/
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Two Scientists walk into a Bar

One says "I'll have some H2O."
The other says "I'll have some H2O, too."
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical functional of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70gp7i/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
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A man left for work one Friday afternoon.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70gmzt/a_man_left_for_work_one_friday_afternoon/
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Met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo? I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight is my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70glb5/met_an_older_woman_at_a_bar_last_night/
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How do you end two deaf persons' arguing?

Switch off the light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70gl3v/how_do_you_end_two_deaf_persons_arguing/
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I get all my gossip from a ketchup bottle

Its a very reliable sauce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70gkz4/i_get_all_my_gossip_from_a_ketchup_bottle/
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Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Because he wanted to get a long, little doggie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70gitl/why_did_the_cowboy_buy_a_dachshund/
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What do you call a communist sniper?

a marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ggqv/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
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I saw a lizard with two tails

It was a case of reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70gbw5/i_saw_a_lizard_with_two_tails/
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I was asked who my favourite X-Men character was..

Caitlin jenner was apparently not an appropriate answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70gaaa/i_was_asked_who_my_favourite_xmen_character_was/
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A man is late for work, and desperately tries to find a parking space...

His boss has already told him before that if he is late one more time, he'll be fired on the spot.
The man is circling around the parking lot, but still all the spaces are completely full.
Suddenly, the man stops his car, puts his hands together and looks towards the sky.
"Dear Almighty God!" he says, "Please let a space be free! I need this job! I promise if you give me a space, I'll quit smoking, quit drinking and only have sex again once I am married. Please God, help me out..."
Then, when the man looks down, he sees it. A free space, just ahead on his left. It shines in a golden beam of light coming down from the clouds. The man looks up once more and says,
"Actually God, it's alright, I just found a space."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70g7jp/a_man_is_late_for_work_and_desperately_tries_to/
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I held the door open for a feminist last month.

The trial date is December 12th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70g79k/i_held_the_door_open_for_a_feminist_last_month/
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How many terrorist jokes are out there ?

You will have to C-4 yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70fvq2/how_many_terrorist_jokes_are_out_there/
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Somebody drove past me on a tractor yelling "the end of the world is nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70fsgq/somebody_drove_past_me_on_a_tractor_yelling_the/
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Sex in a sleeping bag is horrible

It's really cramped, sweaty, too warm and then to top it all off you have the scout masters grubby hand over your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70fr0q/sex_in_a_sleeping_bag_is_horrible/
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Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.
Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70fqsk/boy_kissing_girl_on_couch_you_wanna_take_this/
%
I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday.

It wasn't a big deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70fnky/i_got_a_comically_small_deck_of_playing_cards_for/
%
I stumbled out of bed from a one night stand to find my dad at the kitchen table.

"I'm proud of you son" he winked, "now tell me, did you use protection?"
"You know what they say, dad" I grinned, "up the bum no babies."
"Ha ha, that's my boy" he laughed, "what's her name?"
"Patrick" I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70fl7c/i_stumbled_out_of_bed_from_a_one_night_stand_to/
%
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70fkat/somebody_actually_complimented_me_on_my_driving/
%
A guy is working at a grocery store...

A guy is working at a grocery store and a lady comes up to him and asks:
"Hello young man, can you tell me where the brocolli is?"
"Oh I'm sorry madam, we ran out of brocolli, we will have some tomorrow."
"Oh okay," says the lady and the guy goes back to his work.
Then somebody taps him on his shoulder, he turns around and there's the same lady and she goes: "Sir, i can't find any brocolli."
"We are fresh out of brocolli ma'am, we will have some tomorrow." and he goes back to work.
And then the woman comes right in front of him and says very loudly: "Where the hell is the brocolli?" And he says:
"Madam, how do you spell cat? As is catastrophic."
"C-A-T"
"Good, good ... and how do you spell dog? As in dogmatic."
"D-O-G"
"Great, great ... and how do you spell fuck? As in brocolli."
"There is no fuck in brocolli."
"AND THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70fi6o/a_guy_is_working_at_a_grocery_store/
%
How do billboards talk to each other?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70faop/how_do_billboards_talk_to_each_other/
%
I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed

I desperately need to see kelp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70fame/i_have_this_weird_compulsion_to_stare_at_seaweed/
%
My therapist said I need to love myself

Fuck that I aint no homo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70f5w8/my_therapist_said_i_need_to_love_myself/
%
You are riding a horse being chased by a lion and about to run into a giraffe. What do you do?

. . . Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70f590/you_are_riding_a_horse_being_chased_by_a_lion_and/
%
Where's the worst place to bring someone who's allergic to apples?

New York City.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70f0zt/wheres_the_worst_place_to_bring_someone_whos/
%
Not sure how the iPhone X facial identification would work for my ex-girlfriend

Because she's so two-faced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70eyov/not_sure_how_the_iphone_x_facial_identification/
%
Taylor Swift recently outed herself as a Redditor.

Turns out all she cares about is Karma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70exp5/taylor_swift_recently_outed_herself_as_a_redditor/
%
What do you call milk that comes from cows with their eyes closed?

Concentrated milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ewpc/what_do_you_call_milk_that_comes_from_cows_with/
%
How many cops does it take to push an inmate down the stairs?

None, he fell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ew4n/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_an_inmate_down/
%
Did you hear about that house a lesbian couple built?

It was all tongue in groove, not a single stud in sight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70eqhu/did_you_hear_about_that_house_a_lesbian_couple/
%
I don't really understand Sandy Hook jokes...

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70en8i/i_dont_really_understand_sandy_hook_jokes/
%
What's got 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ecve/whats_got_9_arms_and_sucks/
%
Why is Christmas just like another day in the office?

Because you do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70eaes/why_is_christmas_just_like_another_day_in_the/
%
I sure hope Pennywise isn't lactose intolerant...

He seems to eat a lot of Derry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70e9np/i_sure_hope_pennywise_isnt_lactose_intolerant/
%
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...
The robot is now for sale...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70e5ga/a_dad_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps_you_if/
%
A man is driving down the freeway when the traffic comes to a standstill...

He looks ahead to see what the problem is and notices an overturned truck. When he gets a better look, he notices that it's a truck that was filled with penguins who are now all waddling around the freeway.
He sees two police officers frantically trying to shepherd the penguins to safety and then notices one other cop with two penguins in his arms approaching his car.
He rolls down his window and asks, "is there anything I can do to help, officer?"
"If you could take these two penguins to the zoo that would be a really big help," replied the officer.
Without hesitation, the man leans back and opens the rear passenger door. The officer places the two penguins in the back seat and buckles them in for safety and waves as the man drives off with the two penguins.
A few days go by, and the same officer is out on patrol, and he happens to see the same man who helped with the penguins. The officer pulls the man over to make sure everything went okay.
When the officer approaches the car, he is perplexed to see the same two penguins seated in the back.
"What's the problem officer?", the man asks.
"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo," says the officer.
"I did take them to the zoo. And now we're going to see a movie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70e2vy/a_man_is_driving_down_the_freeway_when_the/
%
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70e20c/what_did_the_nut_say_when_it_was_chasing_the/
%
What does toilet paper and the starship enterprise have in common?

They both wander Uranus looking for Klingons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70e1tn/what_does_toilet_paper_and_the_starship/
%
What do you call a sentient lycanthrope?

A self awarewolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70dx39/what_do_you_call_a_sentient_lycanthrope/
%
My mom told me "It's what you love that makes you who you are"

Soooo... I guess that makes me large breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70dux4/my_mom_told_me_its_what_you_love_that_makes_you/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican racist?

He joined the que que que

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70dthj/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_racist/
%
Eve gets an apple

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: ...
Eve: ...
Adam: ...
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we'd decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70drvx/eve_gets_an_apple/
%
Do you know what 6.9 is?

A good thing screwed up by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70drlf/do_you_know_what_69_is/
%
I heard a joke about chocolate bars

But it wasn't that funny so I just snickered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70dicx/i_heard_a_joke_about_chocolate_bars/
%
Luke Skywalker goes to eat at an Italian restaurant, finishes dinner then orders desert.

Only one canoli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70dfxl/luke_skywalker_goes_to_eat_at_an_italian/
%
You've gotta hand it to short people

Otherwise they can't reach it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70dfha/youve_gotta_hand_it_to_short_people/
%
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me poor and ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70dd2e/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
%
Why are homeless people the best spies?

Because they can't afford to be seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70d9ep/why_are_homeless_people_the_best_spies/
%
Whitney Houston had quite the set of pipes on her.

In fact she died clutching onto one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70d95m/whitney_houston_had_quite_the_set_of_pipes_on_her/
%
My friends and I wanted to get Indian food last night

, but none of us could decide where to go. After asking around for good places to get Indian food, we finally decided to go get sandwiches at that New Delhi everyone kept talking about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70d8p6/my_friends_and_i_wanted_to_get_indian_food_last/
%
"How high are you?"

I looked up at the policeman and replied "No officer, it's- Hi, how are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70d53l/how_high_are_you/
%
I love talking to kids

Adults never ask me what my 3rd favorite reptile is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70cy27/i_love_talking_to_kids/
%
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70cxit/patient_oh_doctor_im_just_so_nervous_this_is_my/
%
Why are Native Americans the best people to take with you to a strip club?

They can literally make it rain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70cwnn/why_are_native_americans_the_best_people_to_take/
%
3 military guys were flying around in a helicopter

They had just finished a mission and had some time to kill,  so the soldiers decided to each toss something out of the helicopter to try and find once they landed.
The first guy threw a gun, second guy threw a knife and the third guy threw a hand grenade. Once they landed they went out looking for their items.
The first soldier was walking along and found a person who seemed a little worried. The soldier asked what had happened and they said they were out for a jog when they saw a gun fall out of the sky into the field next to them. The soldier had found his gun.
The second soldier was out searching for his item and came up to a person who seemed shocked out of their mind and shaking. The soldier asked the person what happened and they said that a knife had fallen out of the sky and stuck in the dirt right next to where they were standing. The soldier found his knife.
The last soldier was out searching for his item and was having a hard time. Finally, he saw a person laughing uncontrollably on the side of the road. The soldier asked the person what was so funny and the person said "I farted and my house blew up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70cuye/3_military_guys_were_flying_around_in_a_helicopter/
%
Why was Jesus against homosexuality?

His only experience getting nailed by other dudes was through his hands and feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70cu7c/why_was_jesus_against_homosexuality/
%
How do you find a blind guy at a nudist beach?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ctu6/how_do_you_find_a_blind_guy_at_a_nudist_beach/
%
Just walked down a street where the house numbers were 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K & 1MB.

Well, that was a trip down memory lane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ct4x/just_walked_down_a_street_where_the_house_numbers/
%
I was addicted to the hokey pokey.

But I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70csm0/i_was_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
%
What's the difference between the types of Indians who live in Canada?

One type moves to Canada and opens up restaurants, the other type already have reservations.
:v

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70cs46/whats_the_difference_between_the_types_of_indians/
%
Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70crbd/donald_trump_said_in_an_interview_that_he_would/
%
Hand Jobs $20 (nsfw)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads
Grilled Cheese - $3
Ham and Cheese $5
Roast Beef - $6
Hand jobs -$20
A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"
"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks.
"Yes I am!." She replies with a wink.
"Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70cmhx/hand_jobs_20_nsfw/
%
A blowjob makes your day

But anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70cl3g/a_blowjob_makes_your_day/
%
My local cinema was robbed last night of £754.

The thieves took a bag of maltesers, a pick n mix and a large drink...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70cknf/my_local_cinema_was_robbed_last_night_of_754/
%
Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says “B positive”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70cjza/whenever_im_sad_i_just_read_my_blood_donor_id/
%
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe ?

Roberto !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70cd4u/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ccw1/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
%
How do Australians reproduce?

They mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70c4b7/how_do_australians_reproduce/
%
There are five people on an airplane when it starts to crash

They're a girl scout, a boy scout, the pilot, a lawyer, and the pope.  There are only four parachutes left.
The girl scout shouts, "I have too much to live for!" So she grabs her parachute and jumps.
The pilot shouts, "Good luck y'all, but I'm not going down with my own plane!"  So he grabs his parachute and jumps.
The lawyer shouts, "I'm the world's smartest man!  I deserve to live more than you two!" So he grabs his parachute and jumps.
There's one parachute, the boy scout and the pope.  The pope places his hands on the boy's shoulders and says, "Son, I lived a long life.  You're just a lad, so I want you to take the last parachute."
The boy scout laughs in his face and says, "Don't worry, we'll both live; the world's smartest man just grabbed my backpack!"
Source: my 90 yr old Great Uncle Larry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70c33a/there_are_five_people_on_an_airplane_when_it/
%
When is Bill Nye called just Bill?

When you de-Nye him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70c2yr/when_is_bill_nye_called_just_bill/
%
What's the difference between a black goldfish and a regular goldfish?

A regular goldfish goes "Bloop,Bloop,bloop."
A black goldfish goes "BLOOP BLOOP MOTHERFUCKER BLOOP."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70c0l0/whats_the_difference_between_a_black_goldfish_and/
%
Long ago, when dinosaurs walked the earth,...

A young Tyrannosaurus Rex was out on the hunt when he stopped to take a drink from a nearby lake.
There, cooling off in the water, he saw the most beautiful Triceratops in all of Pangea. He asked her her name and invited her to go out hunting but she told him she wasn't really into that kind of thing.
The T-Rex liked her anyway though so they started going together.
Even though his parents complained that it was awkward at Christmas dinner and all his friends laughed about how she had him eating salads, he still asked her to marry him.
He was happier because he'd never met a dinosaur like herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70bymp/long_ago_when_dinosaurs_walked_the_earth/
%
I slept with an Amish girl last night.

I don't think I'll call her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70burw/i_slept_with_an_amish_girl_last_night/
%
What do they do at the nihilistic gym?

Exercises in futility

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70bp0k/what_do_they_do_at_the_nihilistic_gym/
%
My mum didn't think I’d give our daughter a silly name...

... but I called her Bluff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70boc8/my_mum_didnt_think_id_give_our_daughter_a_silly/
%
I wish Reddit had read receipts...

so I can see who I just disappointed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70blu6/i_wish_reddit_had_read_receipts/
%
Why does Earth bully other planets?

Because they have no life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70blrd/why_does_earth_bully_other_planets/
%
UGH I was just forced to watch a stupid commercial about something called a Snuggie...

I wanted to change the channel so bad, but I was under a blanket and didn't want my arms to get cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70bl75/ugh_i_was_just_forced_to_watch_a_stupid/
%
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...

But I can't put my finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70bl4o/i_think_theres_something_wrong_with_the_cactus_im/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves you and never comes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70bl46/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
Our government don't like thieves

They hate competitors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70bjzx/our_government_dont_like_thieves/
%
I know I'm good in bed

Because girls always tell me they've had enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70bhcj/i_know_im_good_in_bed/
%
When I'm feeling shy, I like to think about my pet rock...

It always inspires me to be a little boulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70bgzi/when_im_feeling_shy_i_like_to_think_about_my_pet/
%
A bent over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office

Within minutes, she came out, but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be.
A man in the waiting room, who had been watching her, said in amazement, "My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?"
The old lady replied, "He gave me a longer cane."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70be29/a_bent_over_old_lady_hobbled_into_a_doctors_office/
%
I have a stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70bbgu/i_have_a_stepladder/
%
What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

Someone is losing a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70baqr/what_do_a_tornado_and_a_redneck_divorce_have_in/
%
How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70b5ut/how_do_you_break_up_two_blind_guys_fighting/
%
I hate being bi-polar

It's really awesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70b0n4/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
Labelling cows

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
What about one with 3 legs? That's lean beef.
What about one with 2 legs? That's just you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70b06g/labelling_cows/
%
How do you milk sheep?

With iPhones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70aunc/how_do_you_milk_sheep/
%
Why did the whale cross the ocean?

To get to the other tide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70as8f/why_did_the_whale_cross_the_ocean/
%
Three drunk guys enter a Taxi

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "we have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him the money and the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was very shocked thinking the 3rd drunkard knew what he did. But then he asked "what was that for?" The 3rd guy replied, " Control yourspeed next time, you nearly killed us!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70aqsj/three_drunk_guys_enter_a_taxi/
%
Two men were hiking in the Australian Outback.

Two men were hiking in the Australian Outback when an emu walked up to them.
One of the men was thrilled to see an emu so close up. The other man was more hesitant, for he read that emus can be very aggressive and hostile.
The man started to yell at the emu, "Go away, you big, fat, stupid, flightless bird! We don't want you here!"
The other man responded, "Dude, stop ostracizing it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70alau/two_men_were_hiking_in_the_australian_outback/
%
I once spent a month in prison.

I once spent a month in the slammer.
It wasn't that bad. The guards were friendly. My cell-mate was a cool guy. The food was better than my wife's. I didn't see any fights. I wasn't assaulted or raped.
On my last day a guard walked me out to the exit gate. We chatted about football on the way. As the gate opened he said to me, "Goodbye and good luck. How do you feel?"
"I feel good, man," I replied. "I'm happy to finally be out."
Then he smacked me hard across the skull with his baton, drawing blood. I was like, "What the hell, dude?"
"That's for ending your sentence with a preposition."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70ahax/i_once_spent_a_month_in_prison/
%
I don't make friends with people wearing eyepatches.

Friendship has two 'i's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70afpj/i_dont_make_friends_with_people_wearing_eyepatches/
%
Q: what's the friendliest animal in the sea?

A cuddle-fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70aceo/q_whats_the_friendliest_animal_in_the_sea/
%
Landing a job in the moisturizer industry is tough. My advice?

Apply daily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70a7wm/landing_a_job_in_the_moisturizer_industry_is/
%
There is a bar on the 8th floor of a building...

A man sitting at the bar says, 'The gin sold here gives you thirty seconds of flight'
Dave, who was listening - didn't believe him, said, 'I bet $100 it doesn't'
The man accepts the bet and orders a gin. He drinks it and flys out of the window, around the building and then back inside.
Dave was impressed, he handed over the $100 and ordered a gin.
He then jumped out of the window and fell to his death.
The barman then said, 'You've gotta stop doing that, Superman'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70a75r/there_is_a_bar_on_the_8th_floor_of_a_building/
%
“You the bomb.”.“No, you the bomb.”

In America, a compliment.
In the Middle East, an argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70a5ss/you_the_bombno_you_the_bomb/
%
I told my Dad he should embrace his mistakes.

He gave me a hug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70a5jm/i_told_my_dad_he_should_embrace_his_mistakes/
%
I have never used cocaine.

I just like to smell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70a4uf/i_have_never_used_cocaine/
%
Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?

You can drop them off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70a4my/whats_the_best_thing_about_dating_homeless_chicks/
%
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well actually he said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70a1ja/my_doctor_told_me_to_eat_more_taco_bell/
%
I was on a first date last night.

We were at a bar and when i looked at her i couldn't believe how beautiful she was. I started to go weak at the knees and sweat all over my forehead.
It was only then i realised, that i drugged the wrong drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70a01c/i_was_on_a_first_date_last_night/
%
What do you call a group of introverts?

A Paradox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/709wau/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_introverts/
%
Coffee Break

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/709rk1/coffee_break/
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Lawyers...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/709qkv/lawyers/
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What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/709pzh/whats_the_worst_thing_about_accidentally_locking/
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Where does a sheep go for a haircut?

Replied with " at the baaaaaa baaaa shop"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/709mxz/where_does_a_sheep_go_for_a_haircut/
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How does a Jedi wash their clothing?

With midi-chlorine bleach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/709lh7/how_does_a_jedi_wash_their_clothing/
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What did zero say to eight?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/709jvk/what_did_zero_say_to_eight/
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Opinions are like assholes.

I don't want to hear about my old racist uncle's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/709eyp/opinions_are_like_assholes/
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Why did all of the Pizza chains fall?

Idk, I guess it was a Domino effect
I'm so sorry....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7096ob/why_did_all_of_the_pizza_chains_fall/
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I am throwing an African themed party tonight...

... there is no food and drinks are 12 miles away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70929k/i_am_throwing_an_african_themed_party_tonight/
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I have a dog with no legs. I call him cigarette...

... every night I take him out for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7091w5/i_have_a_dog_with_no_legs_i_call_him_cigarette/
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I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7090js/i_went_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_as_a_chicken/
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When you make a joke about gay people

They normally take it the wrong way... How fucking ironic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/708z50/when_you_make_a_joke_about_gay_people/
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Pupil: My neighbour, Mr Chang, got run over and killed by a steam roller. Teacher: Johnny! That’s awful and has nothing to do with the homework I set you. Sit down immediately!

Pupil: But Miss, you said we had to talk about crushed Asians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/708wfq/pupil_my_neighbour_mr_chang_got_run_over_and/
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Look, dumbass, I've got your phone!

Owner looks at iPhone, iPhone unlocks, thief runs off with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/708vvg/look_dumbass_ive_got_your_phone/
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"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible.......

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/708uku/doctor_theres_a_patient_on_line_1_that_says_hes/
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A man walks into a bar, and sees King Kong having a drink...

Now, the man loves all of Kong's films, so he decides to walk up to him. He says, "wow! King Kong! I'm such a big fan. Sorry to bother you, but do you have time for a photo? "
King Kong suddenly looks up, checks his watch.
He turns to the man and says "sorry, I've a plane to catch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/708ttz/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_king_kong_having/
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The root cause of the problem

Patient : The problem is obesity runs in our family
Doc: No, the real problem is no one runs in your family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/708s8x/the_root_cause_of_the_problem/
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I was afraid I might fail my fireworks exam

But I passed with flying colors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/708p5x/i_was_afraid_i_might_fail_my_fireworks_exam/
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What blood type does Taiwanese people have?

Taipei.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/708n5u/what_blood_type_does_taiwanese_people_have/
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A man and a woman were having sex and they were at the point of climax when suddenly...

Man: Damn it! I think the condom just broke.
Woman: Are you fucking kidding me?
Man: Well, I am fucking right now but I guess kidding comes later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/708myv/a_man_and_a_woman_were_having_sex_and_they_were/
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A reporter is doing a story on prenatal conditioning.

He gets contact from a group of brothers who vouch for the phenomenon as having had an effect on them.
"I'm a jazz saxophonist." The first brother says. "My mother played Charlie Parker for me while I was in the womb, and she could feel me dancing to the beat."
"I'm a heavy metal guitarist." The second brother says. "My mother played Slayer for me while I was in the womb, and she could feel me headbanging to it."
"I'm a dry cleaner." The third brother says.
"What does that have to do with anything?" The reporter asks.
"I didn't take well to any of the music my mother played." The brother replied. "Next thing I know, I'm being poked with a coat hanger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/708mws/a_reporter_is_doing_a_story_on_prenatal/
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If Two and half men, the Big Bang theory and How I met your mother had ever done a crossover episode

It would have been called How I banged your mother with two and a half men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/708kpx/if_two_and_half_men_the_big_bang_theory_and_how_i/
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iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out
Samsung user: What's new?
iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition
Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next
iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging
Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next
iPhone user: We're getting water resistance
Samsung user: Had that 3 year's ago next
iPhone user: Nothing is better that an iPhone
Samsung user: Your screen is from Samsung you know, it's our technology
iPhone user: What am i paying for then?
Samsung user: A galaxy s6

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/708jyi/iphone_vs_samsung/
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the funniest story i have ever read must read

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/708f2y/the_funniest_story_i_have_ever_read_must_read/
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I once swallowed two pieces of string and an hour later they came out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7089m7/i_once_swallowed_two_pieces_of_string_and_an_hour/
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My favourite way to dress is all in black.

My sense of fashion is second to nun.
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7089g4/my_favourite_way_to_dress_is_all_in_black/
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Cheese is good

Parmesan, however, grate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7088xu/cheese_is_good/
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I opened a new nightclub called "Erectile Dysfunction"

It was a complete flop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7088vd/i_opened_a_new_nightclub_called_erectile/
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My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her, and I'm getting tired of it.

She sounds just like my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7082fl/my_girlfriend_thinks_im_cheating_on_her_and_im/
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I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog

After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7080bs/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_if_she_wanted_her/
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How do you get 4 hookers to sit on a stool?

You turn it upside down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/707wf4/how_do_you_get_4_hookers_to_sit_on_a_stool/
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I would like to get deported

Said no Juan ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/707q1f/i_would_like_to_get_deported/
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After the helicopter crash, the blond pilot was asked what happened.

She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/707odm/after_the_helicopter_crash_the_blond_pilot_was/
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Did you know sharks kill more people than vending machines?

I don't think a shark has ever killed a vending machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/707o50/did_you_know_sharks_kill_more_people_than_vending/
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I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/707myp/i_keep_getting_hit_by_the_same_bike_at_the_same/
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Yesterday I decided to change my WiFi name to "Hack me if you can"

When I woke up this morning I saw the name changed to "Challenge accepted" somebody help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/707k3a/yesterday_i_decided_to_change_my_wifi_name_to/
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A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"
She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."
So she climbs down off the railing and give the dude one of the most amazing experiences of his life. When it's over, he's completely dazed. "That was incredible!" he says. "Why the hell is someone as gorgeous as you with such... *talents* trying to kill themselves anyway?"
"It's my father. He disowned me."
"But why!?"
"For dressing up as a woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/707jzw/a_man_is_walking_over_a_bridge_and_he_sees_a/
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What do you call a dog from the Pacific Islands?

A PAW-lynesian 😂
...love me please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/707imi/what_do_you_call_a_dog_from_the_pacific_islands/
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What do you call a Jamaican fish?

Sal mon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/707e33/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_fish/
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A student asks a scientist about the types of quarks...

A student asks a scientist about the types of quarks. The scientist replies  "Up, Down, Charm, Top, Bottom"
The student says "I think you missed one?" The scientist replies "Huh, thats Strange."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/707aq3/a_student_asks_a_scientist_about_the_types_of/
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You know why coffee is the silent victim in our house.

Because It gets mugged every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7078yj/you_know_why_coffee_is_the_silent_victim_in_our/
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How long does an owl live?

About 6 1/2 books

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7074d0/how_long_does_an_owl_live/
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Why was the computer mad when he got home?

It had a hard drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7073w2/why_was_the_computer_mad_when_he_got_home/
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A gay guy and a trucker get in a car crash

The gay guy says "somebody call the police! This man just rammed into me!"
The trucker says "what the fuck did you just say fucker? Get over here I'm gonna wreck your ass!"
The gay man then says "it's okay everybody don't call he police! He wants to negotiate"
my step dad told me this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/706wc4/a_gay_guy_and_a_trucker_get_in_a_car_crash/
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In a progressive move, Mattel is making a new boyfriend for Barbie who's a homeless man from New Jersey

Hobo Ken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/706w20/in_a_progressive_move_mattel_is_making_a_new/
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Wife has strange ways of starting a conversation..

... out of nowhere she'll ask me: are you even listening at all?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/706tuo/wife_has_strange_ways_of_starting_a_conversation/
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A man gets on a bus

and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/706rjd/a_man_gets_on_a_bus/
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Medusa was so hot

Just looking at her made me rock hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/706qx4/medusa_was_so_hot/
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Be sure to always whisper while in a corn maze

The walls have ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/706okc/be_sure_to_always_whisper_while_in_a_corn_maze/
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Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the
lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/706k2r/heaven_is_where_the_police_are_british_the_cooks/
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Why was the cop asleep?

Because he was undercover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/706i3c/why_was_the_cop_asleep/
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Tellum Time..

A US Calvary soldier was in route to deliver a message to his commanding officer when he caught sight of an Indian laying naked on the side of the trail flat on his back and with, quite noticeably, a hard on.  He slowed his horse to a halt and called out to the man.
"You there! What in God's name are you doing?"
"Me tellum time." he replied.
"Bullshit." said the soldier, pulling out his pocket watch. "What time is it then?"
The man then looked at the sky. Looked at his penis. Looked at it's shadow and said "hmmm bout 3 O'Clock."
"I'll be damned. Right on the dot." said the soldier, bewildered.
He bade fair well to the man and rode on. A short time later he happened upon another Indian.
"You there" he called "Let me guess, telling time?"
"You are correct." replied the Indian.
"What time is it then?" asked the soldier, watch in hand.
The Indian proceeded in the same manner as the first. Then answered "Bout 3:15."
"Wow, he's right too." said the soldier and he said his goodbyes and carried on. Another 15 minutes later however he happened upon ANOTHER Indian. But this one was masturbating vigorously!
"WOAH, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MAN?" cried the soldier.
The Indian answered "Me Windum Watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/706gvw/tellum_time/
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My wife and I were talking about people's attitudes while we walked through the park.

She said, "What do you think of bigotries?"
I said, "I don't mind them. As long as they don't fall on me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/706g3z/my_wife_and_i_were_talking_about_peoples/
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What does the Dentist of the Year receive?

A little plaque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/706ci7/what_does_the_dentist_of_the_year_receive/
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Why can't you starve in the desert?

Because of the sand which is there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/706bt3/why_cant_you_starve_in_the_desert/
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I hope NK doesn't name their bombs after their leader...

We've already seen what one Fat Man can do to Japan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7068e5/i_hope_nk_doesnt_name_their_bombs_after_their/
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My favorite sex position is the WOW

That's when I flip your MOM over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70648g/my_favorite_sex_position_is_the_wow/
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Timmy the Turtle...

Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again.
Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down...
"Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7062j3/timmy_the_turtle/
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Nine out of ten people...

...at least according to the University of Incomplete Researches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/706196/nine_out_of_ten_people/
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A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked. The assailant says "Give me all your money".

The politician says "Do you know who I am? I'm an important government official". The mugger says "Fine, give me all my money"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7060px/a_politician_is_walking_down_the_street_when_he/
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The Scientist and the Frog

A scientist wanted to test how far a frog could jump, so he trained it to jump on command.
The scientist said "jump" and the frog jumped an amazing 2.6 meters.
The scientist then cut off one of the frog's legs, and said "jump". Unsurprisingly the frog only jumped 2.1 meters.
The scientist cuts off another leg, and the frog only jumped 1.3 meters.
Again, another leg gets cut off, and the frog jumps 0.3 meters.
The scientist cuts off the last leg and says "jump". To his surprise, the frog doesn't jump. The scientist repeats himself a few time, but the frog does not jump.
The scientist sighs, and writes the conclusion of his experiment.
*When all 4 legs cut off... frog goes deaf*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/705xfz/the_scientist_and_the_frog/
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I'm a really photogenic guy.

Well...
that's what the speed cameras think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/705xdx/im_a_really_photogenic_guy/
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I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...

instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/705v4l/i_started_calling_my_toilet_the_jim/
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There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris,

but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/705ucp/there_used_to_be_a_street_named_after_chuck_norris/
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Three men were running from a Persian army when they came to the edge of a cliff...

With nowhere else to run, they prayed to their God for help, and an angel appeared. The angel said, "I will allow you to run and jump off this cliff to test your faith, and the first thing you scream after jumping will be what you transform into..."
The first man without hesitation ran and jumped off the cliff screaming "HAWK!" and he turned into a hawk and flew away.
The second man, with slight hesitation ran and leaped off the edge and yelled "EAGLE!" and he turned into an eagle and flew away to safety.
The third man, of little faith, ran and stumbled over a rock right before jumping and as he started to fall he said, "Shit..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/705rrr/three_men_were_running_from_a_persian_army_when/
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The Wooden Door.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/705ltw/the_wooden_door/
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What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/705j0h/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
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For Halloween I'm going to dress my dog up as a famous pope.

I was thinking Pope John Paw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/705ifr/for_halloween_im_going_to_dress_my_dog_up_as_a/
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A guy brings his pet duck with him to the movies.

The ticket seller tells him "You cant bring a duck in here, sir!"
The man, feeling dissapointed, walks away with his duck.
He thinks "Maybe I can sneak him in!"
So the guy takes his duck and stuffs him into his pants and returns to the ticket window to buy his ticket.
It works and he takes his seat in the crowded theatre next to an elderly couple.
As the lights turn down, the man unzips his fly and lets the duck poke his head out to watch the movie.
The elderly woman next to him is mortified and turns to her husband and whispers "Ed! The guy next to me took his thing out!"
Her husband tells her "Just try to ignore it. I wanna ses this movie!"
She decides to try and ignore it but a minute later the woman turns to her husband again, more urgently, and whispers
"Ed! His thing..."
"I told you, just ignore it!"
" But it's eating my popcorn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/705i6k/a_guy_brings_his_pet_duck_with_him_to_the_movies/
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I have devised a list of all the things I hate about clickbait

Number 3 will shock you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/705huv/i_have_devised_a_list_of_all_the_things_i_hate/
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My grandfather always used to say he could go to the candy store and get 10 pounds of candy with a quarter

He can't anymore though, too many cameras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/705fe1/my_grandfather_always_used_to_say_he_could_go_to/
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The guy driving in front of me didn't indicate, so I screamed at the top of my lungs.

He said, "Calm down, mate. Otherwise you can leave my taxi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/705crj/the_guy_driving_in_front_of_me_didnt_indicate_so/
%
I think my mother might have robot hands.

I was talking to my neighbour and he said, "Man, your mum's amazing. She can bust a nut with a flick of her wrist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7058rn/i_think_my_mother_might_have_robot_hands/
%
My friend has really changed since she became a vegetarian.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70587x/my_friend_has_really_changed_since_she_became_a/
%
I went for a job interview at EA Games today.

The interviewer said to me, “The second part of your resume is missing.”
I said, “For the second part, you have to pay $20.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7057pn/i_went_for_a_job_interview_at_ea_games_today/
%
I can't support building a wall to keep out illegal immigrants.

It's borderline racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7056ga/i_cant_support_building_a_wall_to_keep_out/
%
What would you call Laura Croft if she worked at Planned Parenthood?

Womb Raider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70563s/what_would_you_call_laura_croft_if_she_worked_at/
%
Heaven vs Hell : The Europeans Version

In heaven the police are British, the cooks are French, the engineers are German, the administrators are Swiss and the lovers are Italian
In Hell the police are German, the cooks are British, the engineers are Italian, the administrators are French and the lovers are Swiss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7053y7/heaven_vs_hell_the_europeans_version/
%
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7052ed/a_woman_in_a_supermarket_is_following_a/
%
My favourite band used to be The Conspiracy Theorists, but they split up.

It was the government's fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7051wf/my_favourite_band_used_to_be_the_conspiracy/
%
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own question?

I do...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7051vv/dont_you_hate_it_when_someone_answers_their_own/
%
I thought I'd tell you a good time travel joke

But none of you liked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7050yz/i_thought_id_tell_you_a_good_time_travel_joke/
%
How do you put out a fire at a strip club?

You use the hose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/704z1m/how_do_you_put_out_a_fire_at_a_strip_club/
%
Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?

'cause when you're in my bedroom I feel safe and secure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/704y1c/damn_girl_are_you_a_fire_alarm/
%
Why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Because she is probably thick and tired of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/704vuc/why_should_you_never_make_fun_of_a_fat_girl_with/
%
I'm epileptic. My friend dumped a bunch of lettuce on me.

I am now a seizure salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/704usd/im_epileptic_my_friend_dumped_a_bunch_of_lettuce/
%
A Roman walks into a bar,

holds up 2 fingers, and says, "I'd like five beers please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/704ujp/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What is the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/704ocy/what_is_the_leading_cause_of_dry_skin/
%
What is something that's burried but you can still dance on it?

A beet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/704mzd/what_is_something_thats_burried_but_you_can_still/
%
My mum once called me a son of a bitch

I hit her because nobody talks trash about my mother. NOBODY.
I then hit myself because nobody hits my mother.
She then hit me because nobody hits her son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/704hov/my_mum_once_called_me_a_son_of_a_bitch/
%
A harp seal walks into a bar

Takes a seat at the bar. The bartender asks "what would you like?" The harp seal replies, "anything but a Canadian club."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/704gtl/a_harp_seal_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two almonds

walk into a bar. They order 20 tequila shots each.
Bartender says: "What are you guys,  nuts?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/704ffk/two_almonds/
%
Which part of America can’t sell full-sized soft drinks?

Minne-soda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/704e08/which_part_of_america_cant_sell_fullsized_soft/
%
That's the last time I do a pub crawl with an amputee.

He really couldn't hold his drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/704ath/thats_the_last_time_i_do_a_pub_crawl_with_an/
%
The other day I went to a Paraplegic Strip Club

That place was crawling with pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70415n/the_other_day_i_went_to_a_paraplegic_strip_club/
%
She offered her honor...

He honored her offer.
And all night long
It was honor, offer, honor, offer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7040rp/she_offered_her_honor/
%
The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...

Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?
Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.
Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?
Number 7: 49

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/703wlx/the_justice_league_has_a_vacancy_and_the_number_7/
%
What does U.S.A. stand for?

The national anthem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/703w8v/what_does_usa_stand_for/
%
A nude woman is standing in front of her mirror

She says to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment."
The husband : "your eyesight is perfect."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/703vdo/a_nude_woman_is_standing_in_front_of_her_mirror/
%
So I heard the new Iphone is gonna have that new Stephen King movie preloaded onto it.

Yeah. X is gonna give IT to ya.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/703rt2/so_i_heard_the_new_iphone_is_gonna_have_that_new/
%
My pharmacist recently lost his arm.

Now I call him my "phacist".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/703ok1/my_pharmacist_recently_lost_his_arm/
%
My girlfriend said to me the other day, “If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn’t count as “anything”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/703ihv/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_the_other_day_if/
%
What do you call a white guy who is being chased by 11 black guys?

A quarterback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/703ih2/what_do_you_call_a_white_guy_who_is_being_chased/
%
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/703i6r/a_woman_brought_a_very_limp_duck_into_a/
%
I didn't get my GF's cherry

Just the box it came in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/703f5k/i_didnt_get_my_gfs_cherry/
%
Slow typing...

After 25 years... I was chatting with my classmate -my childhood crush online. She asked me why am I typing so slow. I said because my other hand isn't free.
She's not replying anymore.
Lesson learnt
-Never smoke while texting..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/703dem/slow_typing/
%
A boy was playing outside of a church

He was poking a small anthill with a sharp stick and every time he missed an ant he would curse:
-Shit, I missed!
-Fuck, I missed!
-Damn, I missed!
The priest overheard him and gave him a lecture about not cursing in the house of the lord, yet the boy continued:
-Shit, I missed!
-Fuck, I missed!
-Damn, I missed!
The priest scolded the boy, telling him that in his doings he would meet damnation, still, the boy continued poking the ants, missing and saying:
-Shit, I missed!
-Fuck, I missed!
-Damn, I missed!
Seeing that his efforts to correct the child are useless, the priest began to pray:
"Oh lord, teach this boy a lesson, smite him with your will!"
Lightning then struck the priest and God said:
-Shit, I missed!
Edit 2: I mean, it could be right if the context allowed it, it just wasn't correct in my sentence.
Edit 3: Fuck auto-correct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/703b9t/a_boy_was_playing_outside_of_a_church/
%
GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up.

Ex BF: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7035z5/gf_im_sick_of_you_pretending_youre_a_detective_we/
%
Doc, will I be able to play guitar after my arm heals?

Doc: Of course
Dude: Sick! I couldn't do that before!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70321w/doc_will_i_be_able_to_play_guitar_after_my_arm/
%
A woman walks into a bar...

A woman walks into a bar on a Saturday, orders a triple Jack Daniels, knocks it back in one gulp and orders another. She does this again and falls on the floor blind drunk. Every guy in the place fucks her.
She comes back to the bar a week later. Again, she orders a triple Jack Daniels, knocks it back in one shot and orders another. And another. She again falls on the floor in a drunken stupor. Every guy in the place fucks her again.
On the third Saturday, she comes in and orders a white wine spritzer.
Bartender: “ I thought you drank Jack Daniels.”
“Not any more. That shit makes my pussy sore!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702xet/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did Hitler have milk for breakfast?

Because he doesn't like juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702wqm/why_did_hitler_have_milk_for_breakfast/
%
The teacher asked little Johnnie if he had ever seen a humming bird...

Little Johnnie said, "No, but one time I saw a spelling bee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702uma/the_teacher_asked_little_johnnie_if_he_had_ever/
%
My wife said...

"If you saw me drowning in a river, would you save me?"
I said, "Of course I would. You're my darling, my wife. What about me - would you save me if you saw me drowning in a river?"
She said, "No."
I said, "Well, why not? After the reason I gave you!"
She said, "I was drowning because I couldn't swim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702ul1/my_wife_said/
%
What’s the difference between a bus and a baby?

A bus goes from city to city, but a baby goes from titty to titty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702ttb/whats_the_difference_between_a_bus_and_a_baby/
%
My wife said she had a nightmare last night.

She said, "We were in the supermarket and I was looking through the cans of soup. I turned around and you were naked behind me having sex with a transsexual prostitute!"
"That' so far-fetched," I said. "We never shop together."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702rud/my_wife_said_she_had_a_nightmare_last_night/
%
People told me to stop drinking for good.

So I am now drinking for evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702rop/people_told_me_to_stop_drinking_for_good/
%
Why are Mexican midgets called a paragraph?

Because they're too short to be an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702pg3/why_are_mexican_midgets_called_a_paragraph/
%
I met the inventor of the bobble head

His name is Robert Bullhead. His friends call him Bob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702m3c/i_met_the_inventor_of_the_bobble_head/
%
Which president has won elections on three continents?

Putin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702hzq/which_president_has_won_elections_on_three/
%
How did the leper hockey game end?

There was a face off in the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702d02/how_did_the_leper_hockey_game_end/
%
Children are like farts.

We only like our own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702cl3/children_are_like_farts/
%
I told my girlfriend that my jokes are like my dick.

I love giving it, but she rarely gets it.
And when she does, she doesn't know how to take it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702bti/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_my_jokes_are_like_my/
%
I got pulled over a while ago and the officer asked me "you drinking?"

I responded "you buying?" We both laughed and I got arrested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7029kw/i_got_pulled_over_a_while_ago_and_the_officer/
%
What did hurricane Irma say to the coconut tree?

Hold onto your nuts cause this ain't no ordinary blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7025zv/what_did_hurricane_irma_say_to_the_coconut_tree/
%
I was sitting in a bar one day

and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7025qi/i_was_sitting_in_a_bar_one_day/
%
My wife said I'm lazy...

I almost told her how wrong she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7023fk/my_wife_said_im_lazy/
%
Gay jokes aren't funny

Cum on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702326/gay_jokes_arent_funny/
%
A man couldn't conceive so he prayed to God

He asked God:
God please give me a child, it's all in the world I would ever want and the one thing I ask of you.
If it's is a boy let him be a thief,
If it's a girl let her be a cunt,
Just please Dear Lord grant me a child I may raise and love.
And so God granted him his wish and soon his wife became with child and gave him a baby boy. And the father was happy, and raised him as best he could.
18 years later the child came to the father and said:
Father, you have raised me well and I wish to succeed in life, so I have decided to become a lawyer.
The father leaves and goes straight to church and yells:
God I said a thief OR a cunt NOT BOTH!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/702056/a_man_couldnt_conceive_so_he_prayed_to_god/
%
Man walks into an African restaurant and orders the most typical African dish...

...the waiter brings him an empty dish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701zut/man_walks_into_an_african_restaurant_and_orders/
%
I hate when you're over someone's house and they start asking you stupid questions.

Like "who are you" and "is that a gun?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701zqb/i_hate_when_youre_over_someones_house_and_they/
%
My best gay joke

So there's three gay guys at a funeral for their three husbands who recently died in a plane crash. They all got cremated and one of them asks what they're gonna do with the ashes. One guy says "I'm going to spread them in the ocean because he loved the ocean so much." The next guy says " i'm going to spread them across the mountains because he loved the mountains so much." They then ask the third guy and he says "I'm going to put them in a bowl of chili." he's then asked "why" and he replies "So he can tear my ass up one more time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701zir/my_best_gay_joke/
%
I just flew in from Chernobyl

And boy are my arms legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701xlc/i_just_flew_in_from_chernobyl/
%
Escaping the Fire

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away... the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh...no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH!
The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Not until you put the blanket down and back away!" yelled the Blonde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701ulw/escaping_the_fire/
%
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Cutting your toe off with an axe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701uf4/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
Do you have 11 protons?

Because you are sodium cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701u2a/do_you_have_11_protons/
%
Jack, do you think I’m a bad mother?

Mom, my name is Erik.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701p6p/jack_do_you_think_im_a_bad_mother/
%
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me."

and you reply with "that's the point!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701nrs/whenever_your_ex_says_youll_never_find_someone/
%
Two men talk...

Two men : 'Do you look at your wife's face when you are having sex?'
'I did once & she looked really angry.'
'Huh? Why angry?'
'Because she was watching from the window...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701n9i/two_men_talk/
%
I attended a sign language session.

I was speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701n94/i_attended_a_sign_language_session/
%
My son came racing up to me. He said, "Dad! I've got a spot on my face and my date will be here in a few hours!"

I told him to use toothpaste.
He said, "Will that get rid of it?"
"I don't know," I said. "But your breath fucking stinks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701mkx/my_son_came_racing_up_to_me_he_said_dad_ive_got_a/
%
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead stumble across a magic mirror

The trio spot a sign next to it reading "Whatever ye think you are, shall come true!"
The group are excited, and the brunette offers to go first.
She steps up to the mirror and says "I think I am the prettiest person in the world!" she immediately  gets a call, and after answering, screams in delight. "Im now offically a victorias secret model, and miss universe!" she hurries away.
Next, the redhead steps forward "I think I am the smartest person in the world!" she immediately gets a call, and after answering, screams in delight "Ive won the Nobel Prize!" she hurries away.
Finally, the blonde steps forward "I think..."
She immedialty disappears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701mc4/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_stumble_across/
%
The Promotion

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with".
"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701m90/the_promotion/
%
Did you hear about the large sinkhole that appeared outside the police station?

The police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701m3y/did_you_hear_about_the_large_sinkhole_that/
%
Are you good at making snap decisions?

Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?"
*20 minutes later*
Me: "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701kyl/are_you_good_at_making_snap_decisions/
%
What did the canary say when his cage broke?

Cheap cheap cheap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701hpl/what_did_the_canary_say_when_his_cage_broke/
%
"Indecisive" is my favourite word.

Actually, no it isn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701est/indecisive_is_my_favourite_word/
%
I ordered a book called "How To Deal With Impatience".

It STILL hasn't fucking arrived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701cc9/i_ordered_a_book_called_how_to_deal_with/
%
A guy buys the new Iphone 8 , He puts it in his back pocket when he hears a crack

I hope that was my spine he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701bxl/a_guy_buys_the_new_iphone_8_he_puts_it_in_his/
%
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

Because you shouldn't take medicines on an empty stomach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701bgv/why_are_there_no_pharmacies_in_africa/
%
Two men saw a dog licking his chimchilly...

Two men were walking home one day. They saw a Pitbul happily sitting on the grass, licking his private parts, cleaning himself.
The one man turned to his friend, "Dude, I wish I could do that."
His friend turned to him, with a worried look on his face, "But aren't you scared the dog will bite you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701b1v/two_men_saw_a_dog_licking_his_chimchilly/
%
What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701b09/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_walking_down/
%
I told myself I need to stop drinking so much

...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/701adv/i_told_myself_i_need_to_stop_drinking_so_much/
%
Jokes are like penises...

Some are mislabeled long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7019a7/jokes_are_like_penises/
%
I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday

having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7016df/i_went_through_an_expensive_and_painful_procedure/
%
Working the overnight shift is so tedious and boring

Every time I go in it's the same shift, different day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/700zu4/working_the_overnight_shift_is_so_tedious_and/
%
I just found out I'm being followed!

My girlfriend told me she's been seeing people behind my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/700x5m/i_just_found_out_im_being_followed/
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I lost my Id the other day.

Well, at least I still have my Ego and Super Ego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/700qw6/i_lost_my_id_the_other_day/
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At a medical check-up: Do you do dangerous sports?

Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/700ogt/at_a_medical_checkup_do_you_do_dangerous_sports/
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You know why the iPhone X is the biggest leap forward ever?

Because they skipped 9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/700ltm/you_know_why_the_iphone_x_is_the_biggest_leap/
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What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of pygmies?

One is a group of running cunts and the other is a group of cunning runts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/700hma/whats_the_difference_between_a_womens_track_team/
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What do you get when let out a fart in church?

You get to sit in your own pew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/700b15/what_do_you_get_when_let_out_a_fart_in_church/
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Liam Neeson doesn't want to do action movies anymore.

Taken: A Break

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/70055j/liam_neeson_doesnt_want_to_do_action_movies/
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I ran into my ex girlfriend the other day.

Then I backed up and ran into her again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7004zv/i_ran_into_my_ex_girlfriend_the_other_day/
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A Jewish father was troubled...

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah, it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the father.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zzzb9/a_jewish_father_was_troubled/
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What is the difference between a cow and 9/11

You cant milk a cow for 16 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zzyam/what_is_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_911/
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What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zzsyh/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_two_brain_cells/
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I wipe my butt the same way I drive.

Stop on red

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zzq9v/i_wipe_my_butt_the_same_way_i_drive/
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I've started a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It's shift work...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zziwi/ive_started_a_job_helping_a_one_armed_typist_do/
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How do T-Rexes high five each other?

They don’t. They’re all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zzesf/how_do_trexes_high_five_each_other/
%
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zzdi3/my_wife_packed_my_bags_and_kicked_me_out_of_the/
%
My parents told me that I would be offered drugs in high school

It took me a whole year to realize that you had to ask.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zz3dz/my_parents_told_me_that_i_would_be_offered_drugs/
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My neighbour hosted a party and the theme was The Matrix. My girlfriend got home when it was finished and said it was rubbish.

Looks like I dodged a bullet with that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zz3bd/my_neighbour_hosted_a_party_and_the_theme_was_the/
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There isn't a vast difference between men and women

However, there is a vas deferens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zz0vi/there_isnt_a_vast_difference_between_men_and_women/
%
Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zyvkh/have_you_ever_played_quiet_tennis/
%
A photon checks into a hotel and the bellboy asks if he can take his luggage, the photon says

Na, I'm traveling light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zyv2k/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel_and_the_bellboy_asks/
%
Life is like a penis.

It's all relaxed freely hanging, and then a woman comes and makes it hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zyp3o/life_is_like_a_penis/
%
Why do cigarettes cost so much?

Because smokers keep coughing up money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zynfw/why_do_cigarettes_cost_so_much/
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“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.

So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zynb6/poor_old_fool_thought_the_welldressed_gentleman/
%
Why did the man buy a boat?

It was on sail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zyme6/why_did_the_man_buy_a_boat/
%
When I was ten I swallowed some dental floss. When it came out it was all tied up.

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zym7b/when_i_was_ten_i_swallowed_some_dental_floss_when/
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How can you tell if a vampire has a horrible cold?

by his deep loud coffin! ☺

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zylos/how_can_you_tell_if_a_vampire_has_a_horrible_cold/
%
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zyjxr/why_did_the_hobbit_set_his_cell_phone_to_vibrate/
%
So my Spanish American uncle is teaching his first Spanish to English class when...

the spanish student asks, "Sir, may I have a *piss* of paper" My uncle replies, "Don't you mean a *shitt* of paper?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zyiv8/so_my_spanish_american_uncle_is_teaching_his/
%
I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid,

but my mom told me the sky is the limit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zyh3b/i_wanted_to_be_an_astronaut_when_i_was_a_kid/
%
Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward

because that's how I roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zyfoz/sometimes_i_squat_on_the_floor_and_put_my_arms/
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Wife: You're shirtless?

Me: Yes
Wife: And also covered in.. oil?
Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen! you never listen.
Me: Ohhh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zyegh/wife_youre_shirtless/
%
How is a Soyburger Like a Dildo?

They're both substitutions for meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zy6w8/how_is_a_soyburger_like_a_dildo/
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I'm like God's gift to women...

...if God was attending an ironic white elephant gift exchange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zy417/im_like_gods_gift_to_women/
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Yo Momma so Old

Her social security number is 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zy3xq/yo_momma_so_old/
%
What does batman put in his water?

Just ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zy3rj/what_does_batman_put_in_his_water/
%
I was gonna go to rehab until I realized

Rehab is for quitters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zy2go/i_was_gonna_go_to_rehab_until_i_realized/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because she knew I was cheating.

Never should've dated a teacher in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zy0ge/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_she_knew_i/
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I wouldn't say pooping is my favorite activity.....

But it's a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zxzy8/i_wouldnt_say_pooping_is_my_favorite_activity/
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A police officer stopped my mom's car.

Officer: First name?
Mom: Frida
Officer: Last name?
Mom: Gomam
Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?
And my mom hit the accelerator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zxwiv/a_police_officer_stopped_my_moms_car/
%
Getting out of bed...

It's the second hardest thing in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zxrwm/getting_out_of_bed/
%
A man runs over to his neighbor's house early one morning...

He bangs on the door and soon his neighbor answers. The man looks slightly embarrased and starts explaining quickly.
"Hey, last night, I brought a hooker home, but I just realized that I don't have enough cash to pay her. Can you help me out?"
The neighbor lifts his eyebrow and the sighs in irritation.
"Fine," he says. "This one time...you can borrow my shovel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zxqb1/a_man_runs_over_to_his_neighbors_house_early_one/
%
A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zxmfx/a_soccer_referee_picks_up_his_phone_during_a_match/
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A midget who claims to see dead people just escaped from a psychiatric ward.

There's a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zxicd/a_midget_who_claims_to_see_dead_people_just/
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Spanish Dad Joke

Dad: Son what are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk
Dad: Hola Milk, me llamo Dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zxhiy/spanish_dad_joke/
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I like my women like I like my computer data,

with the ability to back it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zxec8/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_computer_data/
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TIL: Neo-Nazis are some of the biggest employers of Mexican housekeepers.

They are real fans of ethnic cleansing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zx89z/til_neonazis_are_some_of_the_biggest_employers_of/
%
How do you cause world hunger?

Well first, you need a hammer and a sickle...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zx6uy/how_do_you_cause_world_hunger/
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Super Pussy

An elderly lady in an retirement home was having a fit one day and started to go from one room to the next knocking on peoples doors, waiting for them to open, and then screaming: SUPER PUSSY while lifting her skirt. This went on for a few doors until she gets to this one door. She knocks but the person on the other side is in a bubble room so he can't open the door. He then tells her to open the door and come in. As she comes in she lifts her skirt and yells SUPER PUSSY!!! The old man can't see very well so he asks her to come closer. She gets closer and lifts her skirt again and yells SUPER PUSSY!!! The old man then stares at her a while before saying: I think I'll have the soup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zx6gm/super_pussy/
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Why did the baby oyster refuse to share his toys?

He was a little shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zx52f/why_did_the_baby_oyster_refuse_to_share_his_toys/
%
Toilet paper ripped whilst wiping my bum.

I got in touch with my inner self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zx4ox/toilet_paper_ripped_whilst_wiping_my_bum/
%
A book fell on my head today...

I can only blame my-shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zx2ys/a_book_fell_on_my_head_today/
%
As I have grown, I really have come to appreciate the wisdom of my parents. Looking back on my childhood, they had an answer for everything...

...and it was always "shut the fuck up and go to your room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zwysy/as_i_have_grown_i_really_have_come_to_appreciate/
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[Long] Mind your manners

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her shyly screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if something hurt me, I should scream.” “You’re right, sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. “Now why were you laughing?” she asked. “You always said if something tickled me, I could laugh,” she answered. “True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now what about you, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?” “Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zwubu/long_mind_your_manners/
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God works in mysterious ways...

... That is why he watches people masturbate rather than feeding the starving children in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zwtet/god_works_in_mysterious_ways/
%
Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?

It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zwpjv/did_you_hear_about_the_robbers_who_broke_into_the/
%
A Dutchman, a Frenchman and a Belgian are at the channel...

The Frenchman says: "You see that there? That's the channel. The first person to swim across to Britain gets a crate of beer."
The Dutchman and the Belgian agree, and decide to use small radios to keep communication going.
They all set up on the coast, and start the race.
The Dutchman gets only 25% of the distance, before saying through his radio: "I'm too tired guys, I'm going back.". The Belgian and the Frenchman still keep on swimming.
At 50% of the distance, the Frenchman also says: "Sorry, i'm exhausted. I'm going back.", and he swims back.
Finally, at 90% of the distance, the Belgian sees some land. But then he says through his radio: "Guys, I'm coming back. I'm also getting a little bit tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zwob8/a_dutchman_a_frenchman_and_a_belgian_are_at_the/
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I bet my sister that I could make a car out of spaghetti....

...you should have seen her face when I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zwnc9/i_bet_my_sister_that_i_could_make_a_car_out_of/
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Some people enjoy roses on their piano....

.... but I prefer two lips on my organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zwmv2/some_people_enjoy_roses_on_their_piano/
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Morris, the Rabbi, and Irving

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, “I need a favor. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?”
Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After services, he struck up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions – just to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise Rabbi beame suspicious and asked, “Irving what are you really up to?”
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confessed to the Rabbi, “I’m sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”
The Rabbi smiled, put a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and said, “You’d better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zwltl/morris_the_rabbi_and_irving/
%
I created a Facebook page for Chinese Nazis.

It already has 3 reichs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zwghm/i_created_a_facebook_page_for_chinese_nazis/
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What do ISIS and little miss muffet have in common?

They both have Kurds in their way
Credit to /u/MolecularAnthony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zwcje/what_do_isis_and_little_miss_muffet_have_in_common/
%
Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zw6pj/why_do_the_jedi_refuse_to_measure_temperature/
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Two men celebrating Oktoberfest walk into a bar....

They walk up to the bartender and both order a pint and a bratwurst. One of the men's phone rings and he answers. It's his wife on the line.
"Honey, I need to tell you, I cheated on you."
"What?!?!" the man yells, "With who??????"
There's indistinct mumbling from the other line, then the call drops.
The man is furious! He jumps up from his seat, picks up the bratwurst and chucks it into the wall as he storms out of the bar.
"Jeez. Any idea who slept with your friend's wife?" the Bartender asks his friend.
"No idea", says his friend. "But I'm going to assume the wurst."
I swear to God I am getting the fuck out of here right now. I'm so sorry, Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zw552/two_men_celebrating_oktoberfest_walk_into_a_bar/
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The Pope gets very sick...

...nobody can figure out what's ailing him.  Finally one of the Vatican doctors tells the pope, "It appears that your body is not functioning because of your abstinence.  If you have sex with a woman you will be cured."
The pope thinks and prays for a few days and goes back to the doctor and says, "I have prayed and God has told me that living longer to do his work will atone for the sin of having sex with a woman.  I will do so, but there are three conditions."
The doctor says, "Of course, your holiness.  What are the conditions?"
The pope replies, "First, the woman must be blind.  She can never know who it is that she is having sex with.  If it were to be made public, the church would be ruined."
The doctor says, "Yes, Father.  I understand.  What is the second condition?"
The pope says, "The woman must be mute.  If, somehow she does determine that it is me, she must never be able to speak of it.  If it were made public, the church would be ruined!"
The doctor says, "Yes, Father.  And what is the third condition?"
"Big tits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zw0js/the_pope_gets_very_sick/
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How do you start a racist joke?

A small loan of a million dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zvy22/how_do_you_start_a_racist_joke/
%
My grandma recently claimed she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein..

What a stroke of genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zvxzz/my_grandma_recently_claimed_she_once_gave_a/
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zvrgh/what_did_the_blanket_say_as_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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Three guys and a genie

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,000
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zvqwu/three_guys_and_a_genie/
%
Wife or sister? Who is better?

Wife's sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zvov2/wife_or_sister_who_is_better/
%
My grandmother had a stroke last night.

"Call me an ambulance!" she screamed.
"You're an ambulance, Grandma" I said, and then I left. It felt good to help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zvnto/my_grandmother_had_a_stroke_last_night/
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Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zvkfj/why_did_i_get_divorced/
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A joke about my Jewish Uncle Herschel

My Uncle Hersch and Aunt Sophie were married for 60 years and were both in their 80's.
One night Hersch gets up to use the bathroom and forgets to put the seat down when he's done. An hour later Sophie gets up to do the same thing, and falls right in. Worse yet she gets completely stuck.
"Herschel! Herschel!" she cried. "Help me! I'm stuck!"
So, Hersch gets out of bed, walks into the bathroom, and sure enough, she's stuck fast. He tries pulling at her to no avail.
"Oy, oy, what are we going to do?" moans Sophie.
"Relax," says Hersch. "We'll call a plumber."
"And pay the overnight rate?" asks Soph, incredulous.
"You want me I should bring you a pillow and you sleep there tonight?" asks Hersch.
"OK, OK, call him."
So Hersch calls the plumber, and about 20 minutes later there's a knock on the door.
"There he is," says Hersch. "I'll let him in."
"Wait! You can't let him in...I'm naked from the waist down!"
Thinking quickly, Hersch takes off his yarlmukeh and hands it to her. "Here," he says. "You put this over your private parts and you're not naked."
So she does this, and Hersch lets the plumber in. They walk in the bathroom and the plumber starts surveying the situation. He tugs a little bit on her left arm, tugs on her right arm, then takes a step back and starts scratching his chin and thinking.
"Well?" asks Hersch, after a moment.
"Well," says the plumber, "I can save your wife. But the rabbi's a goner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zvhsj/a_joke_about_my_jewish_uncle_herschel/
%
I was on a plane and saw my freind jack

So i shouted hi jack
Still dont know why i was detained

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zvgv1/i_was_on_a_plane_and_saw_my_freind_jack/
%
A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris

Customs officer: “Occupation?”
German: “Nein, just visiting.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zvguk/a_german_arrives_at_charles_de_gaulle_airport_in/
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What's better than the mile high club?

SpaceX

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zvcs2/whats_better_than_the_mile_high_club/
%
Bubba Calls 911

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. 'Where do you live?' asked the operator.
Bubba replied, 'At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.'
The operator asked, 'Can you spell that for me?'
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, 'How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zv7id/bubba_calls_911/
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Doggie Style

Two buddies were drinking while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" Asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly..."
"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zv6n3/doggie_style/
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How many days off does a women get who has dedicated her life to working for the lord?

Nun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zv467/how_many_days_off_does_a_women_get_who_has/
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A child with an imaginary friend is normal

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,
And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zv0t3/a_child_with_an_imaginary_friend_is_normal/
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How you treat the wait staff on a first date

Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they'll treat their significant other in six months.
So now when I'm on a first date, I have sex with the waitress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zuztq/how_you_treat_the_wait_staff_on_a_first_date/
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It's for a Duck

An Atlanta lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Georgia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The big-city attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zuzfc/its_for_a_duck/
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Having sex is a lot like giving an exam

They both end with my teacher saying "everybody in your class did it better than you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zupkf/having_sex_is_a_lot_like_giving_an_exam/
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My science teacher told us this

James Bond says to a chicken, "I'm Bond, James Bond." The chicken turns and says, "Well I'm Ken, Chic-ken."
I'll see myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zuml2/my_science_teacher_told_us_this/
%
An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.

His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”
The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zul5q/an_inventor_shows_his_friend_the_first_knife_ever/
%
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zukvv/i_invited_my_girlfriend_to_go_to_the_gym_with_me/
%
We are all human beans.

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zuhbo/we_are_all_human_beans/
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The perk of being a test tube baby...

...is you get a womb with a view.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zugrv/the_perk_of_being_a_test_tube_baby/
%
This guy goes to a psychiatrist.

The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.
"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.
"A naked woman on a bed."
Yet another blot, "Naked woman spreading her cheeks." This continues for a while.
"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims. "I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zuglh/this_guy_goes_to_a_psychiatrist/
%
My wife woke me in the middle of the night and said, "I think there's somebody in our kitchen."

So I went down there with a baseball bat and sorted the fucker out. When I returned to the bedroom, the bat covered in blood, my wife look astonished. She said, "My goodness. You taught him a lesson!" "Yeah," I said, "that will teach our son to never steal one of my beers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zug7x/my_wife_woke_me_in_the_middle_of_the_night_and/
%
An old Indian walks into a bank and asks for a $5000 loan.

Clerk: What are you going to do with the money?
Indian: I'm going to go into the city and sell my handmade jewelry.
Clerk: Do you have collateral?
Indian: What's collateral?
Clerk: Collateral is something of value that can cover the amount of the loan. For example, do you have a car?
Indian: Yes, I have a 1949 Ford truck
Clerk: That won't do. Do you have livestock?
Indian: Yes, I have a horse
Clerk: How old is it?
Indian: I don't know, it doesn't have teeth.
After some negotiations, the Indian and the clerk settle on collateral. The clerk does all the paperwork and gives the Indian $5000.
A few weeks later, the Indian returns to the bank, walks up to the same clerk, takes out a huge wad of bills and returns the loan.
Clerk: I see your jewelry sold well. What are you going to do with the rest of the money?
Indian: I will keep it in my teepee.
Clerk: No need to do that. You can make a deposit in our bank.
Indian: What's a deposit?
Clerk: A deposit is when you give money to the bank, the bank cares for it, and when it's time, you can come back to the bank and take your money.
Indian (after thinking for a moment): And what does the bank have as collateral?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zud2l/an_old_indian_walks_into_a_bank_and_asks_for_a/
%
Two Mexicans are making an attempt to cross the U.S. border.

A border patrol agent spots them and yells out, "HEY, what do you think you're doing??"
One responds, "We're invading America!"
The agent says, "Just the two of you???"
"No, we're the last two. The rest are already there!"
-Props to John Cleese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zu9jv/two_mexicans_are_making_an_attempt_to_cross_the/
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A man walked out to the street

and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never
actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zu5uv/a_man_walked_out_to_the_street/
%
My wife is so ugly...

she walked past the walrus enclosure at Sea World, and her iPhone X unlocked itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zu5tw/my_wife_is_so_ugly/
%
I signed up for my company's 401k

But I don't think I can run that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ztysv/i_signed_up_for_my_companys_401k/
%
How do you cut Rome in Half?

Use a pair of Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ztvgw/how_do_you_cut_rome_in_half/
%
There are two types of people in the world.

Those who think self-deprecation is funny and those who use Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ztqek/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ztksu/a_muslim_is_about_to_commit_suicide_when_a/
%
The confessional.

There was a parish church in a secluded village. The village feast was coming and usually it gets very busy. The only priest, fr.steve,  responsable for the church was getting old and decided  he needed help for this one.
So he got a young new priest to help him from the priest college.
He told him : " hey it's easy , i'll give you this list of sins and right next to them is a list of  penitences. Just go to the confessional and it will be quite an easy job"
So studentpriest starts with his first woman:
" good morning father , i sin , i fight with everyone i meet"
So the priest looks for "fighting" in the list , finds it , and gives the woman her penitence.
Secondd guy comes up
" hey i robbed a bank and i am sorry"
So the student looked up for "stealing " on the list , made him return the money and gave him his penitence.
Third woman comes up , she was a prostitute.
"Hey hun , i cant stop giving blowjobs to everyone i meet"
The priest looked at the list for a couple of times looking for 'blowjobs' but he couldnt find anything .
Suddenly he noticed an altar boy was passing by and he called him .
"Hey go find fr.steve quickly and ask him what do i give this woman for blowjobs"
The altar boy looked at him and said :  " usually he gives me cake and coca cola."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ztkb8/the_confessional/
%
My Girlfriend left a note on the refrigerator that said "This isn't working. Goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it was working fine wtf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ztj7t/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_refrigerator/
%
A man finds an oil lamp in the desert

while traveling on his horse, Out of curiosity, he picks it up and accidentally rubs it. Out comes a Djinn.
"I will grant you three wishes of your choosing, as thanks for releasing me."
The man agrees, "I wish for a bag of endless fortune." The Djinn snaps his fingers and a small satchel appears, spilling out gems and gold.
The man, seeing this becomes excited, "I wish for immortality!" The Djinn snaps his fingers.
"And what would your last wish to be?"
The man thought for several minutes, his eyes roving the landscape, his eyes settled on his horse and a brilliant idea flashed into his mind. "I want my horse's genitals!"
When the man returned home, he found his wife and told her what happened, he showed her the bag of endless wealth, then he showed his immortality by cutting himself and subsequently healing, finally, he tears his pants off, his wife stares at his junk for several moments as he presented it gloriously. "Why do you have an enormous pussy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zt9g4/a_man_finds_an_oil_lamp_in_the_desert/
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What do you call a mexican who has lost his car ?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zt47l/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_has_lost_his_car/
%
Words can't describe how beautiful you are

But numbers can. 3/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zszvx/words_cant_describe_how_beautiful_you_are/
%
iPhone X has facial recognition.

It'll look at your face & tell you that you can't afford it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zsyu1/iphone_x_has_facial_recognition/
%
Apple is running out of ideas

They're looking for other Jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zsw16/apple_is_running_out_of_ideas/
%
On the day I was born, my mom went into labor, but the assistant was nowhere to be found.

She had a midwife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zsqcb/on_the_day_i_was_born_my_mom_went_into_labor_but/
%
You should never give an executioner a high five...

They will always leave you hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zsops/you_should_never_give_an_executioner_a_high_five/
%
Why are Americans so arrogant?

Because our national bird is the ego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zsmjw/why_are_americans_so_arrogant/
%
What do you get when you cross a dog and a rhino?

A horny bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zsl8o/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dog_and_a_rhino/
%
A foolish man gives his wife a grand piano...

... A wise man gives his wife an upright organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zsjvr/a_foolish_man_gives_his_wife_a_grand_piano/
%
Girls of reddit, Don't feel bad about losing your virginity.

At least you still have the box it came in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zsjf1/girls_of_reddit_dont_feel_bad_about_losing_your/
%
Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zsiv3/man_with_a_beard_a_100_years_ago_ok_ill_go_chop/
%
A cow who swears they remember something twice.

Must have deja moo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zsipk/a_cow_who_swears_they_remember_something_twice/
%
Salty Ocean...

Is the ocean salty because land didn't wave back 🤔

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zshy9/salty_ocean/
%
Ted Cruz left the Navy 9/11 memorial service early...

He only had time to meet a handful of semen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zshv9/ted_cruz_left_the_navy_911_memorial_service_early/
%
So I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis...

So far it's gotten three Reichs on Facebook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zsh4v/so_i_set_up_an_internet_page_for_chinese_nazis/
%
A server is carrying a tray of cheese when he sees a beautiful girl walk by.

He thinks of something to say and goes in for the kill. But on his way he slips on a wet spot, sending him sliding into an ice sculpture and spilling the cheese in a straight line behind him. People get up to help and start picking up cheese off the ground. The girl goes over to the server and asks if he is okay. The server responds, "I'm fine, but it seems my slick icebreaker has turned into a cheesy pickup line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zsc39/a_server_is_carrying_a_tray_of_cheese_when_he/
%
Do you know the difference between Kanye West and God?

God does not think he's Kanye west.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zsaqv/do_you_know_the_difference_between_kanye_west_and/
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A boy and his teacher

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 2.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 8.
I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 8".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 8.
*Principal:* What is 27x9?
*Boy:* 253.
*Principal:* Who invented gravity?.
*Boy:* Isaac Newton
The boy got all the questions right.
The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 8 immediately.
The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
*Madam:* What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
*Boy:* Legs.
*Madam:* What is in your trousers that I don't have?
*Boy:* Pockets.
*Madam:* What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
*Boy:* Coconut.
*Madam:* What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
*Boy:* Bubble gum.
*Madam:* You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
*Boy:* Tent.
*The principal was looking restless*
*Madam:* A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
*Boy:* Wedding ring.
*Madam:* I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
*Boy:* Nose.
*Madam:* I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
*Boy:* Arrow.
*Principal:* O MY GOD.
*Madam:* What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?
*Boy:* Fork.
*Madam:* What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
*Boy:* Surname.
*Principal:* Ohooo !
*Madam:* What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
*Boy:* Heart.
*Principal:* Eeeeeh ! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam,
"Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zsa2n/a_boy_and_his_teacher/
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If con is the opposite of pro...

Then does that make congress the opposite of progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zs7n6/if_con_is_the_opposite_of_pro/
%
Do you have vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zs6eg/do_you_have_vagina/
%
Astronauts must be having a blast

Because now they can say:
"Houston YOU have a problem"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zs629/astronauts_must_be_having_a_blast/
%
What's an epileptic Roman's favorite food?

seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zs3t5/whats_an_epileptic_romans_favorite_food/
%
I tried to change my password to beefstew

But it wasnt stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zs2sa/i_tried_to_change_my_password_to_beefstew/
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My Grandma's like the Moon...

Nobody's cared about visiting her for 40 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zs0zt/my_grandmas_like_the_moon/
%
I've been letting my friends and family down way too often lately...

Its about time I take some responsibility and start disappointing myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zrzxa/ive_been_letting_my_friends_and_family_down_way/
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Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

Because he only uses the finest ingredients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zrwnm/why_does_michael_j_fox_make_the_best_milkshakes/
%
Ever been to Prague

You gotta Czech it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zrp5h/ever_been_to_prague/
%
We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zro6t/we_conducted_an_online_survey/
%
Did you hear about the Catholic priest who runs marathons?

He never finishes first, he's always coming in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zrlrn/did_you_hear_about_the_catholic_priest_who_runs/
%
Frank, an aerospace engineer, purchases an old iPod and fills it with his favorite bands...

He's in his office  trying to get his newly acquired gadget to work when the janitor, Joe, walks into the office and asks, "Hey man, what are you listening to?"
Frank replies, "Nothing yet! I can't get this damn thing to work! Can you help me?"
Joe decides to gives it a shot, so he sticks the ear buds in his ears and presses a few buttons.  After bobbing his head to a beat,  he hands it back to Frank . But when he tested it for himself, he heard nothing and said, "Damnit, Joe! this isn't rock, it's silence!"
Joe responded, "Well, fuck you! I'm a janitor. You fix it then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zrjts/frank_an_aerospace_engineer_purchases_an_old_ipod/
%
They were going to make an iWatch for kids but

iWatch Kids sounds a bit creepy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zrhg7/they_were_going_to_make_an_iwatch_for_kids_but/
%
iPhone X has face recognition...

so girls aren't gonna be able to unlock their phones when they take their makeup off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zrcn9/iphone_x_has_face_recognition/
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6ft Asshole

So I was headed to work this morning and I was running late. I had the cruise set at 80mph and I crested a hill and there sits a cop running his radar.
Needless to say, he lights me up and I get pulled over.
Cop walks up and asks, "What's the rush... Where you headed in such a hurry?"
"I'm late for work," I reply.
Officer Douche asks, "Oh yeah?  What do you do?"
"I work down at the hospital," I say,  "Im a rectum stretcher."
"What in the hell is a rectum stretcher?" Barney Fife asks me.
"Well," I say, "I start by sliding one finger up, then 2, then 3, until eventually I get my whole hand in there and I just keep working it and stretching it until it's about 6 feet wide."
"6 feet!?" The cop asks. "What in the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
"You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a hill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zraor/6ft_asshole/
%
What was the redneck's last two words?

Watch this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zrakn/what_was_the_rednecks_last_two_words/
%
The police were tracking down a serial killer.

The police were tracking down a serial killer who would dismember his victims and sell their body parts. He was caught after trying to sell three feet at a yard sale. The bail cost him an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zr9x9/the_police_were_tracking_down_a_serial_killer/
%
What's a raver's favorite fruit?

strobeberry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zr5f0/whats_a_ravers_favorite_fruit/
%
My wife asked me why I never go to Confession.

I told her I just clear my browser history when I want to wash away my sins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zr26c/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_never_go_to_confession/
%
What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?

She drops him off at band practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zr0no/what_does_a_stripper_do_with_her_asshole_before/
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My Biology Teacher Asked What ATP is...

I replied, "where Native Americans live."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zqyqw/my_biology_teacher_asked_what_atp_is/
%
What's the difference between yo momma and a rooster?

A rooster says cockadoodledoo
Yo momma says anycocklldo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zqxp4/whats_the_difference_between_yo_momma_and_a/
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Which state is a pain in the butt to go to?

Prostate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zqwfj/which_state_is_a_pain_in_the_butt_to_go_to/
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Why should you never marry a tennis player?

Because to tennis players, love means nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zqt5g/why_should_you_never_marry_a_tennis_player/
%
A baby is born

And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days"  he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is  the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zqr7y/a_baby_is_born/
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How do you surprise a blind and deaf person?

Stick a plunger in their toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zqq3j/how_do_you_surprise_a_blind_and_deaf_person/
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What did the beaver say when he chipped his tooth?

Dam it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zqogw/what_did_the_beaver_say_when_he_chipped_his_tooth/
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Have you heard the disease you get from kissing birds?

It's called Chirpes.
It's a canerial disease.
It's untweetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zqlum/have_you_heard_the_disease_you_get_from_kissing/
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When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zqki6/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
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Genders are like the Twin Towers

There used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject.
Edit #2: Why is everyone in r/jokes so salty about hearing a joke they've heard before? Suddenly as soon as fake internet points come into the equation, everyone loses their mind.
When you see a picture on a sub that you may have seen before do you also freak out and get your panties in a knot that someone is earning all this karma for a picture you've seen before? I realize this is nothing new, especially to this sub, but it still amazes me.
Oh and also, all you Karma-Nazi's can go ahead and down-vote me into oblivion because they are FAKE. INTERNET. POINTS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zqjss/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
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What's the best pick up line at a gay bar?

"May I push your stool in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zqaw5/whats_the_best_pick_up_line_at_a_gay_bar/
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If anyone ever asks you to spell “part” backwards don’t do it!

It’s a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zq9wd/if_anyone_ever_asks_you_to_spell_part_backwards/
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A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.

His condition is now stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zq7mf/a_guy_was_admitted_to_hospital_with_8_plastic/
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What do you call a fruit that has been caught for bank robbing?

a waterfelon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zq779/what_do_you_call_a_fruit_that_has_been_caught_for/
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A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s.

Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.
"That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike.
"I bet I can do something you can't" he says.
"Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots.
"Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says
"We didn't see anything, you liar"
"You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zq3jp/a_c130_is_being_escorted_by_two_f16s/
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Hey Llama, 90% of our friends don't find your puns funny.

Yeah, but at least pun intended?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zpuib/hey_llama_90_of_our_friends_dont_find_your_puns/
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The iPhone 8/10 unveiling was pretty great

But the 9/11 announcement will be pretty awkward and unforgettable next year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zptni/the_iphone_810_unveiling_was_pretty_great/
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Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates....

.....St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will
depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How
long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy
said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to
drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from
Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated
on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked
it out good."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look
at another woman! I  treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto
saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.
When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he
said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zpa1u/three_guys_died_and_when_they_got_to_the_pearly/
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A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his golf clubs.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "How many times did you hit him?"
The woman replies, "Eh, five..? Six..? Put me down for a five."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zp8rq/a_woman_is_accused_of_beating_her_husband_half_to/
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My Penis was in the Guinness Book of Records...

But then the librarian told me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zp5n8/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_records/
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A death row prisoner was told how he was going to be executed.

Needless to say, he was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zp1fe/a_death_row_prisoner_was_told_how_he_was_going_to/
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What do you call a girl who catches fish?

Annette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zp13i/what_do_you_call_a_girl_who_catches_fish/
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How do you circumcise a whale?

You send down four skin-divers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zozum/how_do_you_circumcise_a_whale/
%
How can you tell if a car is from Jamaica?

Check the reggaestration..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zoum5/how_can_you_tell_if_a_car_is_from_jamaica/
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I want to post a joke about Apple's Iphone8...

but I think you have already heard it 7 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zosjy/i_want_to_post_a_joke_about_apples_iphone8/
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I tried asking a Ouija Board for the name of my future wife.

The planchette kept moving from H to A and back. What kind of name is Hahaha?﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zos2r/i_tried_asking_a_ouija_board_for_the_name_of_my/
%
So a mesothelioma patient competed in the Olympics last year

She didn't win anything, but she did asbestos she could.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zortk/so_a_mesothelioma_patient_competed_in_the/
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A clown held the door for me today.

I thought it was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zoqx0/a_clown_held_the_door_for_me_today/
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...

... First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zoojd/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
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You can't spell Advertisements...

...without semen between the Tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zoj42/you_cant_spell_advertisements/
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A masked robber enters a bank...

A masked robber enters a Sperm Bank with a gun and starts pointing it at one of the nurses.
The masked robber points to a test tube on the counter and asks the nurse, "What is this liquid?"
"Um... This is the semen that was just donated to us."
"Drink it!"
"No! Why??"
"You want your life or not? Drink it now."
So the nurse complies, and she finishes the whole test tube reluctantly.
The nurse says, "There, I've done what you said, will you let us all go now?"
The robber however points the gun even more firmly to the nurse's head, "No, take the other test tube, drink that too!"
"Oh god, why are you doing this? I've already drank one..."
"You want your life or what!?"
"Okay..."
The nurse proceeds to down the second test tube of semen completely.
Suddenly the robber removes his mask, and the nurse exclaims, "Oh honey, my husband, it's you?! What are you doing here??"
The robber replies, "See, that wasn't so bad right? You should have done it years ago when I first asked you to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zoimc/a_masked_robber_enters_a_bank/
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Paddies vs. Aussies

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zoi56/paddies_vs_aussies/
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A police officer caught two kids

playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zodxf/a_police_officer_caught_two_kids/
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Why couldn't the pirate finish learning the alphabet?

He got lost at sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zoa3j/why_couldnt_the_pirate_finish_learning_the/
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What's spider-mans favorite brand of rice ?

Uncle Ben

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zo9k8/whats_spidermans_favorite_brand_of_rice/
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[NSFW] An Irish man went to confession in St Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go and say three Hail Mary's'.
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she walked up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly, just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?' The altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply:
"No Father, I think it's just the reflection from her shoes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zo88g/nsfw_an_irish_man_went_to_confession_in_st/
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Why can't your nose be 12" long?

Because then it would be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zo7f9/why_cant_your_nose_be_12_long/
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I asked the owner of a bondage parlor if I can have a tour of the place...

...He said he was tied up at the moment. He had to show the new girl the ropes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zo53p/i_asked_the_owner_of_a_bondage_parlor_if_i_can/
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A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress.  Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear".  Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment.  She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra".  Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra.  Then she says, "Now out of my sight!  If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zo3gr/a_lady_calls_her_butler_into_her_room_and_says/
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What is the difference between a Dentist and Brain Surgeon?

A slip of the knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zo1c0/what_is_the_difference_between_a_dentist_and/
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How do farmers get the party started?

They turnip the beets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6znz8h/how_do_farmers_get_the_party_started/
%
A Mexican magician

says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." *poof*. He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6znrkd/a_mexican_magician/
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America sure is having some bad luck with the recent hurricanes.

As if it's built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6znqm1/america_sure_is_having_some_bad_luck_with_the/
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A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6znhq1/a_buddhist_monk_goes_to_a_barber_to_have_his_head/
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I was at a disco last night

They played the twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. So I jumped.
They played come on eileen. I got kicked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6znhff/i_was_at_a_disco_last_night/
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Police officers Rosa and Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."
Rosa replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the sniffer, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.
After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zn6ha/police_officers_rosa_and_mary_had_been_assigned/
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I had to stop playing UNO with my Mexican friends...

They kept taking all the Green Cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zn6dt/i_had_to_stop_playing_uno_with_my_mexican_friends/
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Has anyone seen the movie Constipated?

Wait, it's not out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zn41x/has_anyone_seen_the_movie_constipated/
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If you're a liberal arts major, here's a tip

$5, and be glad it's 20%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zn306/if_youre_a_liberal_arts_major_heres_a_tip/
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My sense of humor is like a Latina woman.

Some days it's low brow, and some days it's high brow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmzc6/my_sense_of_humor_is_like_a_latina_woman/
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What do you call a feminist name generator?

Nomenclature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmyl7/what_do_you_call_a_feminist_name_generator/
%
Those Zelda games...

...really Link together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmxqp/those_zelda_games/
%
There's a lot of give and take in my marriage.

I give her my money and she takes my sanity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmwkt/theres_a_lot_of_give_and_take_in_my_marriage/
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My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her.

I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmuut/my_pregnant_wife_asked_me_if_i_ever_worried_it/
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I did Public relations for U2

It was all pro bono.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmt0p/i_did_public_relations_for_u2/
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A young boy deposit 100$ everyday in the bank...

One day the general manager noticed the young boy and asked the clerk about him. He then told him that the young boy comes everyday and deposit exactly $100 each time. So the manager told the clerk to send him the lil boy the next time he comes to the bank. The next day the boy comes in and he's sent to meet the manager.
The manager : so tell me , how do you get $100 a day ?
The boy : well, everyday i have a bet with a different guy.
The manager : about what ?
The boy : about the fact that i can kiss my right eye !
Then the manager replies : haha no way…
The boy : we can bet if you really want to…
the manager was confident and gave his consent to the boy… few seconds later the boy takes off his ocular prosthesis and kiss it.
the manager felt so stupid that he asked the young boy to give him back his $100. The boy agreed to give it back but under one condition.
The boy : Let's have another bet… i'm pretty sure that you are wearin red girly panties, i'f 'im wrong i will give you back your $100 plus another $100 for this bet.
The manager is feeling over confident cause he knows that he isnt wearing this kind of panties and said yes.
Then the boy said again: but before you get undressed we need to have 10 eyewitnesses to make it legit.
The manager was ok about it and called all his staff. After taking off his pants, the manager felt happy cause he just won $100, but he then notice that the young boy was so happy about losing his money that he asked him.
How can you be so happy about losing your money?
The boy replied : well i had a bet with your staff about how many minutes i'll need to make you take off your pants... and guess who won ?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmssn/a_young_boy_deposit_100_everyday_in_the_bank/
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Sean Connery was interviewed by Stephen Colbert

and bragged that despite his 87 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Margot Robbie, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Margot said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex.
But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." Margot looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Margot, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand."
Margot is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Margot asks, "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?"
Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Australia, she stole my wallet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmslo/sean_connery_was_interviewed_by_stephen_colbert/
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The ladies say I'm dynomite in bed.

Four seconds and I explode, so Back OFF!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmry2/the_ladies_say_im_dynomite_in_bed/
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The Farmer and the Monk

A young farmhand was once unfortunate enough to share a room at the inn with an old monk, who talked incessantly from evening's light to morning glow about matters of philosophy and science. Bored of the one-sided conversation, the monk soon proposed a challenge of wits.
The farmhand was uninterested in testing his wits against the monk, no matter how much his roommate raised the stakes. Finally the monk offered the farmhand substantial odds: "I will give you 50 gold coins for every question of yours I cannot answer, if you will give me 5 gold coins for every question YOU cannot answer."
At this, the farmhand agreed.
"Very well!" exclaimed the monk. he eagerly tried to think of a question sufficient to challenge the farmhand, but simple enough to keep the game interesting. "How would one measure the volume of an irregularly shaped object?" he asked, his eyes gleaming.
Without even bothering to think about it, the farmhand handed the monk 5 gold coins.
The monk was disappointed, but prepared himself for the farmhand's challenge.
For his turn, the farmhand pinched his face deep in thought. Finally, he asked: "What has the heart of a tiger, the wisdom of an eagle, and the strength of an ox?"
Delighted by the riddle, the monk leapt to his feet and began pacing around the room. For six hours he was mercifully silent as he pondered the farmhand's conundrum. Soon, he grew irritable. Eventually his face sunk with fury and disdain. "Alas, alas! I give up!" he cried, waving his arms. Reluctantly he withdrew a sack of coins and counted out fifty precious gold pieces for the farmhand. The Tiller happily accepted his winnings. The monk stared at his roommate. "Well!" he said at last. "What is the answer to your riddle?"
Wordlessly, the farmhand handed the monk 5 gold coins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmr3a/the_farmer_and_the_monk/
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A lady walks into a pet store

The parrot in the shop squawks- "Slut!!"
Lady gets furious and rages to the owner about the foul mouthed parrot.
Owner punishes the parrot for the misbehaviour by dipping it's head in water several times. He asks "Are you going to repeat it again?"
Parrot: Never!!
Next day the lady is passing by, so the owner approaches the lady and says that the parrot has learned it's lesson and is a good parrot now.
Lady decides to test it.
Lady: If I come home with a guy, what would you think?
Parrot: He might be your husband
Lady: If I come home with 2 guys, what would you think?
Parrot: They might be your husband and Brother.
Lady: If I come home with 3 guys, what would you think?
Parrot: They might be your husband, brother and brother in law.
Lady: If I come home with 4 guys, what would you think?
Parrot looks at the lady and then turns to the owner and says
"Can you get the water please!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmq6g/a_lady_walks_into_a_pet_store/
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Did you hear about the chef that died?

He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will become a pizza history.
He ran out of thyme He lentil us some of his best secrets﻿.
Now top that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmq41/did_you_hear_about_the_chef_that_died/
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FOR SALE: One dead budgie

Not going cheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmmwc/for_sale_one_dead_budgie/
%
Looks like Ted Cruz got busted...

...bustin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmmk8/looks_like_ted_cruz_got_busted/
%
A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"
The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmlfx/a_woman_is_accused_of_beating_her_husband_half_to/
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Trump, Putin and Merkel are taking a walk along the Hamburg harbour...

...during the G20 summit. In an attempt to show off the technology and military strength of his country, Trump brags: "Our submarines are the best. The greatest. They're huge. They can stay underwater for 1 month without surfacing!"
Putin just shrugs and grumbles, "Is nothing. Russian submarine technology make for 5 months under water..."
Just as Merkel is about to say her piece on the matter, the three of them are startled by the water next to them bubbling and splashing as they see a big submarine emerge from the depths. With loud squealing the top hatch opens, a man climbs out and shouts: "Heil Hitler, wir brauchen Diesel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zmcfr/trump_putin_and_merkel_are_taking_a_walk_along/
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How do you get an apple pregnant?

You cum in cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zm95n/how_do_you_get_an_apple_pregnant/
%
What did the Australian say to the cyclops?

Good eye mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zm35s/what_did_the_australian_say_to_the_cyclops/
%
A dumb guy visits a hunting club and asks a hunter how he killed his first buck.

The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, followed the tracks, and shot the buck. The dumb guy, satisfied with the answer, soon leaves.
The following day the dumb guy returns to the hunter and asks how he shot his first rabbit. The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, followed the tracks, and shot the rabbit. The dumb guy leaves the hunting club.
The following day the dumb guy returns to the hunter and, still curious, asks how he shot his first bear. The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, followed the tracks, and shot the bear. The dumb guy leaves looking energetic and inspired!
Weeks passed without any sight of the dumb guy and the hunter, worried about his dumb friend, decides to look into it. He finds that the dumb guy is being held at the local hospital in intensive care so the hunter goes to visit.
The hunter enters the hospital room and sees the dumb guy in what seems to be a full body cast, with machines everywhere to help him breathe, eat,  and ultimately stay alive. Surprised, he asked the dumb guy what happened!
The dumb guy musters all his strength to lift his head toward the hunter and in small gasps he tells the hunter his story.
"I got my gun..."
"I went into the woods..."
"I followed the tracks..."
"And was hit by a train."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zm2sq/a_dumb_guy_visits_a_hunting_club_and_asks_a/
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After my mother’s funeral, we all went for lunch at an Indian restaurant. When the waiter came to check that we had everything on our order he noticed my daughter crying.

He asked me what was wrong, I told him she was just missing her nan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zm1am/after_my_mothers_funeral_we_all_went_for_lunch_at/
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My mother died two weeks ago and my son hasn’t attended English classes since.

I think he’s missing gramma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zm11x/my_mother_died_two_weeks_ago_and_my_son_hasnt/
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"The other day I came across an old worn out Bible, printed by Guten-something"

"Not Gutenberg?!"
"Yeah, that was it"
"You idiot, one of those sold at auction recently for over a Million dollars!!"
"Oh, I don't think it would be worth anything that much. Some clown by the name of Martin Luther scribbled all over it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zlwjh/the_other_day_i_came_across_an_old_worn_out_bible/
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A woman in work was fired for having intimate relations with a colleague.

We don't know who fingered her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zls1n/a_woman_in_work_was_fired_for_having_intimate/
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A man killed 3 gay people this morning...

It was a homocide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zlrax/a_man_killed_3_gay_people_this_morning/
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What sexual position leads to ugly children?

I don't know, but go ask your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zlo96/what_sexual_position_leads_to_ugly_children/
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In the beginning, there was nothing...

Then God says "let there be light". Now there was still nothing, but at least you can see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zlnrt/in_the_beginning_there_was_nothing/
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I find Siri, Cortana and Alexa really sexy.

They may not be able to make me a sandwich, but they can order me one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zlngo/i_find_siri_cortana_and_alexa_really_sexy/
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Lord said unto John: Come forth, and I will give you eternal life.

But John came fifth, so he won a microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zlkg6/lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_i_will_give/
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Why did was the blonde happy she finished a jigsaw in 6 months?

Because the box said it was for 2-4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zlfem/why_did_was_the_blonde_happy_she_finished_a/
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What did the guitar say to the ukulele?

Uke, I am your father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zlcz2/what_did_the_guitar_say_to_the_ukulele/
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Police on lookout for Starbucks thief

Suspect is still at veinte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zl3nj/police_on_lookout_for_starbucks_thief/
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I don't know why North Korea needs a nuclear bomb...

...their weather machine seems to be working just fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zky8d/i_dont_know_why_north_korea_needs_a_nuclear_bomb/
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Anybody a fan of college football?

I heard the Miami Hurricanes are looking strong this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zkr23/anybody_a_fan_of_college_football/
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A woman was giving birth...

Her husband asked the doctor,"Is there any way I can reduce her pain doc?"
The doctor said,"Well yes,we have a new machine which transfer's the mother's pain to the father.However,it will hurt a lot."
The man says,"Do it doctor."
So the doctor connected the machine to the man and the woman.
He said,"We'll start slow. Only 20% of the pain will be transferred."
So the doctor starts,the man feels no pain. The man tells the surprised doctor to increase it to 30%.
The same happens till the doctor increases it to 100%. The child is finally born.
The doctor was completely shocked. The man goes home with his wife.
As they were about to reach home,they see the postman lying dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zkoah/a_woman_was_giving_birth/
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If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?

Tic tac toe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zkhjp/if_athletes_get_athletes_foot_what_do_candy/
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I was in a cab today....

the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "turn Left".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zke29/i_was_in_a_cab_today/
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Had to stop growing Marijuana around the ranch

The steaks were too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zkdsd/had_to_stop_growing_marijuana_around_the_ranch/
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My girlfriend likes to talk after sex. (nsfw)

She keeps calling me from her hotel room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zkdhl/my_girlfriend_likes_to_talk_after_sex_nsfw/
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I always wondered...

Can slacklining be taught?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zkd5q/i_always_wondered/
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I've been in prison for only 5 minutes, and I've already been raped.

I hate playing monopoly with my dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zk9jb/ive_been_in_prison_for_only_5_minutes_and_ive/
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A redneck's dog is in heat and he walks in to a bar...

He ties the dog up to a tree outside. A police officer walks by noticing the dog is in its period and wants to be free to mate with other dogs.
The police officer then walks in to the bar and find's the dog's owner. He says to the man, "Your dog is tied up outside and she's in heat?" being noisy in the bar, the redneck doesn't hear clearly and says, "Of course it's hot outside, but there's a bowl of water next to the tree."
The officer says again, "No, you're dog is in heat." Again, due to the noise, the redneck can't hear clearly and replies, "Don't worry, she's had plenty to eat."
Finally, the music in the bar stops playing, just about everyone has stopped talking loudly and the police officer says to the redneck, "Sir, your dog wants sex!" to which he replies, "Oh, then go right ahead. I've always wanted a police dog."
edit 2: spelling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zk8u8/a_rednecks_dog_is_in_heat_and_he_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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My doctor said he could give me some aids for my erectile dysfunction.

I told him that didn't sound like a good trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zk8nx/my_doctor_said_he_could_give_me_some_aids_for_my/
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What kind of gun DOESN'T kill things?

A vegun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zk7rv/what_kind_of_gun_doesnt_kill_things/
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A blonde gets in her car...

and notices that her dashboard windshield and steering wheel were missing she called the cops and reported a theft when the cops arrived she was crying in her car and the cops went up to her and said "Ma'am you are sitting in the backseat".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zk7je/a_blonde_gets_in_her_car/
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It's ridiculous how we as men measure our worth by the length of our cocks

Speaking as a man of great endowment I think we should broaden our perspective on the matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zk6y7/its_ridiculous_how_we_as_men_measure_our_worth_by/
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My dog destroyed my chess set. I tried to replace the missing pieces...

but the pawn shop was closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zk5l3/my_dog_destroyed_my_chess_set_i_tried_to_replace/
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A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," says the woman.
"How about we ask the Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or showing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zk4pz/a_couple_is_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
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My wife was wondering why she was so itchy

I asked why she pronounced it with a silent "B"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zk4pl/my_wife_was_wondering_why_she_was_so_itchy/
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Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope

and made to appear in court before the judge.
The judge said, 'You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.'
On monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, 'How did you do over the weekend?'
'Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.'
'17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?'
'I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: "O o", and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.'
'That's admirable,' said the judge. 'And you, how did you do?' (to the 2nd guy).
'Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.'
'156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!'
'Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison.'
EDIT - Removed smileys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zk14s/two_guys_were_picked_up_by_the_cops_for_smoking/
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A man is having problems satisfying his wife, so he asks his best friend Steve for advice.

Steve says, "Before I have sex with a woman, I just bang my penis against the dresser for a couple minutes. That turns it numb and I can last for hours!"
Later that night the man begins to bang his penis on the dresser while he's wife is in the bathroom.
She calls out, "Steve? Is that you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zk0w5/a_man_is_having_problems_satisfying_his_wife_so/
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A large white bear walked into a bar, laughed, made out with the hottest girl, broke down sobbing, and had sex with a guy in the bathroom stall. A customer asked the bartender "Sheesh, what's his problem?"

"Bipolar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zjys4/a_large_white_bear_walked_into_a_bar_laughed_made/
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What do you call a monkey that likes to gossip?

A blaboon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zjv7l/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_that_likes_to_gossip/
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A Woman is Having a Baby

When the baby comes out he looks at the doctor and says "are you my dad?", he says no I'm the doctor. The baby then looks around to another man and asks "are you my dad?", the man says no I'm your uncle. The baby then looks around again and says to the person closest to his mother "are you my dad?" The man says "yes I am your dad". The baby then proceeds to poke the man on the head repeatedly and said "well how does that feel?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zjr3a/a_woman_is_having_a_baby/
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheeeeeeet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zjoe9/what_did_the_blanket_say_as_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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Asking her to the dance.

So there's this kid, let's call him Jerry. He's been eyeing this girl at school for months now, and there's a big dance coming up. He knows she doesn't have a date, and he would give anything to go with her- but there's a problem.
Whenever he gets close to her, he gets an erection that would rival that of Charlie Sheen in an unsupervised pharmacy, but he decides to bite the bullet and just call her.
He calls her, and stutters a bit on the phone, but she finds his stammering cute and accepts his proposal. "Pick me up at seven," she says. "Oh joyous day!" says Jerry. His joy is short-lived, however, because he realizes that he has only delayed the inevitable. How can he conceal his boner? He tries a number of solutions, including willpower, distractions, baggy pants-- nothing works. Finally, he decides to just tie it to his leg.
Feeling confident, he heads off to her house. He's all dressed up, he brought her flowers, his car is cleaned, everything is in order. He walks up to the door and rings the bell. She opens the door. He kicks her in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zjlvn/asking_her_to_the_dance/
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CNN reported Donald Trump's suicide today.

He didn't really kill himself, it was fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zjjrb/cnn_reported_donald_trumps_suicide_today/
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I tortured a guy from PETA.

He was screaming for deer life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zjh9a/i_tortured_a_guy_from_peta/
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Dad joke level grandpa: Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist?

Because they're not-z's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zjgxi/dad_joke_level_grandpa_why_are_the_first_25/
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How long is a Chinese name

No really it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zjgit/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
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Are you still a virgin if...

Are you still a Virgin if you do everything butt sex?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zjfyf/are_you_still_a_virgin_if/
%
Don't feel bad about pressing the close door button when you see someone running for the elevator.

If they have that much energy, they should take the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zjc4r/dont_feel_bad_about_pressing_the_close_door/
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What did the farmer say to the excited vegetables?

Don't get carrot away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zjbw0/what_did_the_farmer_say_to_the_excited_vegetables/
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The difference between Romanian prostitute and a pizza?

You can get the pizza without the fungus/yeast ;) ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zj4ck/the_difference_between_romanian_prostitute_and_a/
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Why did the Jew open the coffee shop?

Hebrews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zizlx/why_did_the_jew_open_the_coffee_shop/
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Voodoo Dick [Long]

a husband married a wife and the wife was the horny type, he had to satisfy her often. but when he had to go away on a business trip he found that his wife would most likely cheat on him. so he went to the nearest pawnshop and shared these details with them. they offered him a voodoo dick, the husband asked "why the fuck would you offer me this?"
the pawnsman just laughed and said "watch, just watch" he then proceeded to open the box , revealing a wooden dildo. he then muttered "voodoo dick, the door" the wooden dildo floated out of the box and proceeded to fuck the keyhole of the door so hard that the door split in half. the pawnsmen gave a second order "voodoo dick , return" the dildo promptly returned to its place in the box. amazed the husband paid and carried home his prize, he showed his wife the box and explained to her what it was, she did not believe him so he then opened the box and said "voodoo dick , pussy". the dick floated up and started to fuck his wife, hes wife blown away was too busy enjoying herself to pay attention to the husband. satisfied with his achievement he drove to the airport to catch his flight.
after a few hours the wife realized that her husband had forgotten to tell her how to stop the dildo, so she thought up a plan to go to the hospital to have it removed.
as she drove down the highway , the dildo continued to ram her pussy determined to please its master. in doing so the wife began to swerve on the road, soon she heard sirens. as she pulled over the policeman asked her what the issue was, she promptly explained her dilemma.
the policeman responded " that is the biggest pile of bullshit i have ever heard, haha, voodoo dick my asss"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ziyfk/voodoo_dick_long/
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Many years ago I had stopped in to bring my girlfriend...

.....some pizza while she was babysitting.
We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital.
Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’t get in touch with them. I thought I was doing pretty well, though. At bedtime I sent the kids upstairs to bed and settled down to watch some TV.
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but I just kept sending him back to bed.
At 9 pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, asking whether her son was there.
I said, “No.”
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ziulw/many_years_ago_i_had_stopped_in_to_bring_my/
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I dated a one legged girl who worked at a brewery

She was in charge of the hops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ziu69/i_dated_a_one_legged_girl_who_worked_at_a_brewery/
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I want to get married on September 11th...

That way I'll never forget my anniversary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ziqst/i_want_to_get_married_on_september_11th/
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A bear walks into a bar in BC

And orders a beer,  the bartender says," We don't serve beers to bears in bars in BC". Before he can respond an old lady in the back of the bar says, " Get that filthy bear out of here!", Bear looks over at her, looks back the bartender and says, " I want a beer now." Bartender says,"Sorry we don't serve beer to bears and bars in BC". The old lady once again yells from the back, "Get that filthy bear out of here!!". The bear ignores her this time and absolutely demands a beer from the bartender, or else! Once again the old lady for the third time screams, " I said get that filthy bear out of here!!!".  The bear jumps over to her and eats her in four bites. Comes back to the bartender and says now I want that beer. The bartender says sorry we don't serve Bears on drugs. "What do you mean on drugs asked the bear?"
Bartender says, "That's a bar bitch you ate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ziplk/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_in_bc/
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Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zincl/why_did_the_onehanded_man_cross_the_road/
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Knock-Knock

*"It's open!"*
&nbsp;
-Equifax

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zij3b/knockknock/
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How did the hipster die?

He went ice skating before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ziir2/how_did_the_hipster_die/
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Friend asked me how do I feel about a serious meeting with my manager tomorrow?

"I am excited like a bride before a wedding day" I replied, "I am wondering how will I get fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zihh5/friend_asked_me_how_do_i_feel_about_a_serious/
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I always make sure I get stoned before I go to an auction.

That way even if I don’t win anything, I’m always the highest bidder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zig7r/i_always_make_sure_i_get_stoned_before_i_go_to_an/
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Where do you keep genetically modified vegetables that cure cancer?

In the CRISPR drawer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zif4p/where_do_you_keep_genetically_modified_vegetables/
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Donald Trump walk into a bar

.. and lowers it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zietq/donald_trump_walk_into_a_bar/
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A husband and wife

A husband asks his wife
"What will you do if I die?"
"I would live with my sister." the wife replies. "What about you?" she asks
"I would also live with your sister" cheekily replies the grinning husband

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zi3ds/a_husband_and_wife/
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My dad is under the impression that I'm gay.

It's hit me like a ton of dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zi1ge/my_dad_is_under_the_impression_that_im_gay/
%
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.

But she figured out I was only after my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zhz4a/i_tried_to_remarry_my_exwife/
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How to take a hurricane seriously

If the US wants to take hurricanes seriously they need to give them Muslim names. We got Irma and people don't care. But when the weatherman starts saying Abdullah is coming at Florida as a category 5, the whole country would evacuate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zhx8l/how_to_take_a_hurricane_seriously/
%
A Sheep, a drum and a snake simultaneously fall from a cliff...

Bah Dum Tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zhx6h/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_simultaneously_fall/
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I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zhub8/i_told_my_psychiatrist_that_ive_been_hearing/
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Mouse and a bear find a genie lamp

A mouse and a bear find a genie lamp in the woods. The bear rubs it and a genie pops out and says,
"Thank you for freeing me, for doing so I grant you both three wishes each."
The bear went first and said, "I wish the entire earth was covered in forests," and the genie makes the whole earth covered in forests.
The mouse went next and said, "I wish I had a mouse sized motorcycle," and the genie spawned him one.
The bear then wished a second time and exclaimed, "I wish the forest was filled with bears," and the genie did just that.
The mouse then told the genie, "I wish for a mouse sized motorcycle helmet," and the genie put one on his head.
For the bears final wish, he said, "I wish all the bears in the forest, except me, were female," and the genie turned all the bears in the forest except for the one who wished it female.
The mouse then got on his motorcycle, started it, and before he sped off yelled at the genie, "I WISH THE BEAR WAS GAY!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zhqmk/mouse_and_a_bear_find_a_genie_lamp/
%
A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.
"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zhq95/a_man_sunbathes_in_the_nude_and_ends_up_burning/
%
What is a British police officer's favorite gaming console?

WiiiiiiiUUUUUUUUU WiiiiiiiUUUUUUUUU WiiiiiiiUUUUUUUUU
WiiiiiiiUUUUUUUUU
WiiiiiiiUUUUUUUUU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zhpso/what_is_a_british_police_officers_favorite_gaming/
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Did you hear about the debate between Houston and Florida?

It's Roe v. Wade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zhkw8/did_you_hear_about_the_debate_between_houston_and/
%
Breaking news: There was a massive cheese factory explosion in France today.

There were no casualties, but de brie everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zhh7l/breaking_news_there_was_a_massive_cheese_factory/
%
Two homeless men are standing around, bragging about their day.

The first hobo says, "Today I found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal.  It was my luckiest day ever!"
To which the second hobo replied,  "Oh yeah? My day was better.  I was at the train yard,  and found a woman tired to the tracks.  And after I untied her,  we fucked all day."
"Did you get a blow job?" the first hobo asked.
"Naw," he said, "I couldn't find her head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zhg36/two_homeless_men_are_standing_around_bragging/
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Thanks alot Kendrick Lamar!!!

Now whenever I tell my kids to "Sit Down!" when they are acting up in public, they reply with "Be Humble!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zhc76/thanks_alot_kendrick_lamar/
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There was a king ready to abdicate.

So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."
Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the wreck of the Windbreaker, from the bottom of the stormy North Sea." "Right away, Father." said the eldest son, departing at once, determined to become king.
Then to his middle son, Nimble and Self-righteous, "You are to retrieve your great grandfather's shield, bearing our coat of arms, from the deadly jungles of India, lost at the site of a battle since forgotten." "I shall do so at once, Father." said the middle son, and so he too departed at once.
Then he beckoned for his youngest son, a young man Intelligent, but meek next to his older siblings, to approach. "Yes, Father?" The son inquired. To which the King replies, "Bring me a coke, I never liked those assholes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zgzu8/there_was_a_king_ready_to_abdicate/
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On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zgzbv/on_september_11_2001_i_was_in_geometry_class/
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In science class, 3 worms were places into 3 different jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol ---dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The 3rd worm in soil --- alive.!!
So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment.?"
A kid quickly raised his hand and said.
"As long as you drink alcohol and smoke , you won't have worms in your stomach".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zgwk5/in_science_class_3_worms_were_places_into_3/
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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying....

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.
"It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick!
Spit'em out!
They're assholes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zgrn9/a_teacher_was_working_with_a_group_of_children/
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I'm a social vegan

I avoid meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zgr9n/im_a_social_vegan/
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Why do you never want to call a middle eastern man with a turban a Muslim?

Because they are Sikh and tired of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zgqxz/why_do_you_never_want_to_call_a_middle_eastern/
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What do you call a cow with only its front two legs?

Well that would be an utter drag...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zgpj4/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_only_its_front_two/
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Why do hurricanes have female names?

Because if they had male names, they'd be himmicanes.*
*This joke only good before 1979

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zgni3/why_do_hurricanes_have_female_names/
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A lawyer took a client who was charged with aggressively weaving objects to throw at people

He had a real basket case on his hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zgjci/a_lawyer_took_a_client_who_was_charged_with/
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10 Facts about the Narnia movies:

#10 - All of them came out of the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zgiho/10_facts_about_the_narnia_movies/
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A rich man and a poor man we're talking about Christmas....

The rich man says to the poor man " I got my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes. That way if she doesn't like the ring she can take it back in a new Mercedes. What did you get your wife?" The poor man says " I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo"  "why is that?" Said the rich man. "If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zggk8/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_were_talking_about/
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My friend changed a lot when she became a vegetarian

...it's like I've never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zge8n/my_friend_changed_a_lot_when_she_became_a/
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I wanted to go see Malcolm X when it came out in theaters...

But I was afraid wouldn't get it since I hadn't seen 1 through 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zgd7k/i_wanted_to_go_see_malcolm_x_when_it_came_out_in/
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What do you call a Canadian prostitute?

A leaf blower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zgagm/what_do_you_call_a_canadian_prostitute/
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My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn’t likable.

It’s an autobiography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zg4t6/my_parents_read_the_book_i_was_writing_they_said/
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Three mice are arguing whether the holes are part of the cheese or not.

The one that thought they WERE went to the wise old owl for advice. When he got back, the cheese was gone. He asked the other two mice:
"What happened to the cheese?"
They replied:
"We decided to agree with you, so we split the cheese into thirds, and your third happened to be the holes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zg2rj/three_mice_are_arguing_whether_the_holes_are_part/
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I hate when homeless people call me sir

With all things being considered I'm at least a Duke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zg1hz/i_hate_when_homeless_people_call_me_sir/
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An Omegle conversation

Me: My dad died on this day in 2001, he called me to say 2 words before dying.
Stranger: Ohh, that's so sweet! What were his words?
Me: Allahu Akbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zg05v/an_omegle_conversation/
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What has more minivans than a dealership?

A Mormon church parking lot....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zfx0d/what_has_more_minivans_than_a_dealership/
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Genders are like the Twin Towers

There used to be two of them and now its a really sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zfw32/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
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A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zfw2s/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_he_says_to_the_bartender/
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"NSFW" "Long" A young man wants to effectively lose weight...

...so he buys a subscription to a company that he thinks is going to help him. He's unfamiliar with their methods so he is surprised when his doorbell rings suddenly on the following day. He opens the door and standing there is a smoking hot 21 year old girl with nothing on her body but pink running shoes. She says "The company sent me. If you can catch me, I will be yours and you can do to me whatever you desire." She starts running and the man, clearly out of shape, gives up after only a couple hundred meters. He loses the girl out of sight and sadly walks back to his home. The next morning another 21 year old girl rings the doorbell, also with nothing on but pink running shoes and even hotter than the first one. She says the same as the girl before her and starts running. Again, the man starts to run after her but fails again after a couple hundred meters. He walks home and expects the company to develop kind of a a plan to make him work out more so that he loses weight and gets more in shape. On the third day he waits for the doorbell, but nothing happens. The man is confused. Days and days pass by and he starts working out on his own and gets somewhat fit up to the point where he thinks he will catch the girl if they send another one. After two weeks of daily running he is waiting for the doorbell once again. And finally, it rings. He goes up to the door and opens it. In front of the door stands a very huge, very muscular guy with nothing on but pink running shoes. He says "The company sent me. If I can catch you, you will be mine and I will do to you whatever I desire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zfsx5/nsfw_long_a_young_man_wants_to_effectively_lose/
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One day Reddit's avatar, Snoo, dies and is greeted by St. Peter

One day Reddit's avatar, Snoo, dies and reaches the pearly gates of heaven.
Saint Peter looks at him.
"Oh, I know you! You're Snoo! Reddit's avatar!"
Snoo is intrigued by this moment. He *is known beyond this world*?
"Snoo, I've looked over your life's history. You're just an avatar, and didn't do much. So, instead, I looked at Reddit's history to find the answer to your eternal destination."
Snoo doesn't say anything. St. Peter continues:
"I'm afraid I didn't find anything good. *The Boston bomber, the broken arms, GallowBoob...* these are all works of the evil lord. But, you're an avatar and didn't do much. I'll give you one chance. Find one good thing Reddit has done, and I'll set you up for heaven. However, there is one rule."
Snoo suspiciously looks at him.
"You'll have to use Reddit's search bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zfm18/one_day_reddits_avatar_snoo_dies_and_is_greeted/
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My girlfriend accidentally discovered a way to get long lashes instantly

By showing a bit of ankles in Saudi Arabia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zflsj/my_girlfriend_accidentally_discovered_a_way_to/
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9/11 jokes aren't funny

They are just plane wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zfig2/911_jokes_arent_funny/
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Did you ever hear about McDonald's sending 10 million straws to Ethiopia..

Ethiopia wrote back and said thanks for the leg warmers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zfbk7/did_you_ever_hear_about_mcdonalds_sending_10/
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Who are the worlds fastest readers?

9/11 victims. They blew through 87 stories in 10 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zfbii/who_are_the_worlds_fastest_readers/
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Accidentally sent someone flowers over the internet

Whoops e-daisies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zfbhw/accidentally_sent_someone_flowers_over_the/
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To the Girl I Kissed Last

Here's to the girl that I kissed last…
She didn't kiss slowly nor did she kiss fast…
But she kissed so long and...
She kissed so sweet…
She made things stand that had no feet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zfb3a/to_the_girl_i_kissed_last/
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Rubbing Together

Ole went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
Ole said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
“Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You are not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor relief collection box," said the priest.
Ole paused for a moment, went to the collection box, and then started to leave. The priest who was watching, quickly ran over to Ole saying, “I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!”
Ole replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zfasd/rubbing_together/
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Science built skyscrapers and airplanes

But only religion can bring the two together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zf831/science_built_skyscrapers_and_airplanes/
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I hired a Russian chauffeur the other day...

his name was Pikup Andropov

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zf7l1/i_hired_a_russian_chauffeur_the_other_day/
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A German asks for a martini…

"Dry?" asks the bartender.
The German, confused: "No, just one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zf7kg/a_german_asks_for_a_martini/
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Can throwing a round heavy object as far as you can be classed as a sport??

Discus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zf6we/can_throwing_a_round_heavy_object_as_far_as_you/
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I hate it when people confuse reality with metaphors...

It makes my head literally explode!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zf4zl/i_hate_it_when_people_confuse_reality_with/
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My friend has been working on an Al Gore-themed dancing game

I asked him how it works, but it apparently runs off of a very secret Al Gore rhythm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zf1h2/my_friend_has_been_working_on_an_al_gorethemed/
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I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zexxw/i_searched_google_for_how_to_start_a_large_fire/
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I'm not gonna tell you why I talk with my mouth full...

...you wouldn't understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zevyw/im_not_gonna_tell_you_why_i_talk_with_my_mouth/
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The similarities between alcohol and girls...

... Both have the quality of giving pleasure at night and headache in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zevlg/the_similarities_between_alcohol_and_girls/
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Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

Because he's afraid they'll double-cross him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zetxp/why_doesnt_jesus_trust_mankind/
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What did the policeman say to the missing waste collector?

Where you bin man?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zetv3/what_did_the_policeman_say_to_the_missing_waste/
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The Washington Redskins' stadium being sponsored by FedEx makes a lot of sense.

Neither delivers on Sundays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zer5y/the_washington_redskins_stadium_being_sponsored/
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A guy walks into a bar...

...he sits down by the bar and orders a beer. He looks around and sees a big bowl full of money. In the corner of the bar stands a medical screen. He finds all that very unusual so he asks the bartender what's it all about.
The bartender replies "You see that screen over there? Behind the screen is a very serious horse. If you put a 20 in the jar and make the horse laugh, then the money is yours."
The guy thanks the bartender, finishes the beer, puts the 20 in the jar and goes behind the screen. After not even 30sec there's a deafening neighing laughter coming from behind the screen. The guy comes out, empties the jar in his bag, and leaves the bar.
2 weeks later same guy walks into the same bar, from behind the screen he can still hear laughter. He looks at the bar and again sees the jar full of money. So he sits down, orders a beer, and asks the bartender what's up.
The bartender replies "Well, since you've left last time the horse wouldn't stop laughing. So now we decided that whoever makes him stop takes the money. Of course the usual 20 entry."
The guy acknowledged the explanation, finished his beer and went behind the screen. After maybe a minute, a huge wailing neigh raptures the entire establishment. It is agonising.
The guy comes out, empties the jar and turns for the door.
"Hey, hold on!" shouts the bartender. "First of all, how did you make him laugh?" asks the bartender. "Simple" answers the guy, "I told him my dick is bigger than his."
"Fair enough", says the bartender, "But how the hell did you make him cry?" The guy looks the bartender in the eyes "I showed him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zeqrc/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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I was watching porn when an ad popped up saying "Local women in your area want sex!"

So I went and knocked on my sister's door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zeplm/i_was_watching_porn_when_an_ad_popped_up_saying/
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My friend said he could speak German, French and Scottish.

When I didn't believe him he said, "Ja Oui Bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zeo9j/my_friend_said_he_could_speak_german_french_and/
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A pessimist arrives at a restaurant for his date.

He says, "A table for one, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zenk8/a_pessimist_arrives_at_a_restaurant_for_his_date/
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Dating women is like squaring numbers

If they're under 15, just do them in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zemnv/dating_women_is_like_squaring_numbers/
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What's the difference between a baby and a speed bump?

I go slow over speed bumps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zek2v/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_speed/
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Mary had a little skirt It was slit right up the sides... And every time she wore that skirt.... The boys could see her thighs.... Mary had another skirt It was slit right up the front....

But she never wore that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zej80/mary_had_a_little_skirt_it_was_slit_right_up_the/
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WAS BARRY WHITE ? WAS CILLA BLACK ? WAS JAMES BROWN ?

SURE MAKES STEVIE WONDER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zehn0/was_barry_white_was_cilla_black_was_james_brown/
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My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now...

And we have no idea where the fuck she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zeewx/my_grandma_has_been_walking_5_miles_a_day_since/
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My dad is like a broken boomerang

He never comes back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zeev2/my_dad_is_like_a_broken_boomerang/
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My wife told me she needs more space.

I said no problem and locked her out of
the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ze97n/my_wife_told_me_she_needs_more_space/
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Why doesn't a chicken wear underwear?

Because his pecker is on his face!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ze6ol/why_doesnt_a_chicken_wear_underwear/
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Joker's Joke which made Batman laugh

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... And one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend did not dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ze4fv/jokers_joke_which_made_batman_laugh/
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One day, a man exploring a jungle stumbles upon an ancient village.

One day, a man exploring a jungle stumbles upon a legendary ancient village. The villagers, who to the man's surprise are still alive and well, lavish him with praise. They think he must be a god! But he must first be tested, just to be sure.
So the chief of the village takes him to a row of three tents. Here, he explains, "Oh Great One, to prove your status as a god and receive the wealth, ladies, and power you deserve, you must go into each tent and perform a challenge.
"In the first tent, you will find a keg of our strongest alcohol. You must drink the keg in its entirety!
"In the second tent, you will find a lioness. You must wrestle her to the ground and steal one of her fangs!
"In the third tent is a beautiful woman. You must sleep with her and prove your manliness!"
The man agrees. "I mean, sure," the man thinks. "Wrestling a lion will be tough. But if I can manage it, he'll have the three challenges in the bag, I'll make a ton of money off of whatever the villagers give me as tribute, and come back a hero! A *really* rich hero."
So the chief and a crowd of curious villagers watch as the man enters the first tent.
After about an hour, the explorer steps out of the tent, weaving about as he walks, reeking of strong alcohol and sweat. With a drunken yell and a big, manly toss, he throws the empty keg to the ground, where it shatters, and the man immediately hiccups and falls over.
The chief runs over and helps the man to his feet. The man manages to stay upright on his own after a few wobbles, and says he was just testing the chief's compassion. The chief is skeptical, but lets it slide.
With another yell, and a confidence that can only come with too much drinking, the man runs into the second tent!!
Horrible sounds of roaring, shouting and snarling can be heard from outside the tent, the onlookers wide-eyed. The chief is sure the man won't make it out. On and on the yells and roars and grunts of pain continue, until everything falls into silence.
After a few minutes, the chief shakes his head as he looks at the other villagers. He sighs. "The second challenge always gets them..."
But the flap covering the tent is pulled open. The man slowly walks out of the tent. He's covered in scratches, but still very much alive, and if possible, even more drunk than he was before.
He's also completely naked.
"Okay... -hic- it's...it's done, man. Now where's... -hic-... the lady that needs a tooth pulled?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zdz4c/one_day_a_man_exploring_a_jungle_stumbles_upon_an/
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So I broke my waterproof speaker, by throwing it into a pool.

I filed a request for a new speaker, but the company responded "it's not our fault the pool was empty".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zdxfu/so_i_broke_my_waterproof_speaker_by_throwing_it/
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I was on a date, and I said "You are the funniest and most beautiful woman I've ever met!"

She jokingly replied "You just want to fuck me!"
"Wow!" I said, "Smart too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zdxck/i_was_on_a_date_and_i_said_you_are_the_funniest/
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I used to tell this joke all the time in elementary school

Two guys are running from the cops at night. One is smart and the other is stupid.
They get tired of running, so they decide to hide in a shack they come across. The smart one hides inside an animal cage, and the stupid one hides inside a potato sack.
The cops start searching the shack and they are about to look inside the cage when the smart one goes, "meow meow!" The cops say "oh, that's just a kitten" and continue searching.
Then when the cops are about to look inside the potato sack, the stupid one goes, "potato, potato!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zdwaj/i_used_to_tell_this_joke_all_the_time_in/
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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find..

3 guys were hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zdt5s/3_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they_find/
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Never fart in an apple store,

because they don't have windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zdqis/never_fart_in_an_apple_store/
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I talked back to my OCD mother...

she was very quick to put me in my place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zdp2x/i_talked_back_to_my_ocd_mother/
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When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like

"OMG"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zdi5f/when_magnesium_and_oxygen_started_dating_i_was/
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Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says...

Bear with me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zdhqf/joke_i_made_up_caveman_and_a_bear_walk_into_a_bar/
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How did Mike Tyson open the door to alcoholism?

Withkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zde3j/how_did_mike_tyson_open_the_door_to_alcoholism/
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You know what really grinds my gears?

Not disengaging the clutch properly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zdcaw/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zdc3n/what_washes_up_on_small_beaches/
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For the cold nights to come.

A husband and wife are out camping. In the middle of the night, the husband shakes his wife awake and says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" "OK," she says. "Put them between my thighs to warm them up."
An hour later, he shakes her awake again and says, "Honey, my feet are cold!" "Fine," she says. "You can put them between my thighs to warm them up."
Another hour later, he wakes her up and says, "Honey, my dick is freezing! Can I put it between your thighs to warm up?"
"Damn it," the wife cries. "Why can't your ears ever get cold?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zdb7l/for_the_cold_nights_to_come/
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Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?

“No, how?”
-
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zdam3/do_you_know_how_to_make_a_dumb_person_curious/
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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach

That way the ribcage won't be an obstacle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zd5as/the_way_to_a_mans_heart_is_through_his_stomach/
%
One day a little girl was saying her prayers

She prayed "dear lord I pray for mommy and daddy but grandma's gonna die" Now her dad overheard this from the next room and thought it very odd but he went on with his business. Now the next day he got a call that the grandmother had infact died.
He was deeply troubled by this so the next night he listened in on his daughters prayers again. "Dear lord I pray for mommy and daddy but aunt Jenny's gonna die" so the dad called up aunt Jenny but she didn't pick up. Later it was found that she had also died.
The very disturbed dad went to listen to his daughter prayers again "dear lord I pray for mommy but daddy's gonna die" He was now utterly terrified. The next day at work he went about paranoid of everything around him trying to avoid anything that could possibly be harmful.
The exhausted dad gets home and tells his wife "oh honey I had the worst day"
She replies "you think you had a bad day, today the mailman dropped dead in the living room"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zd52s/one_day_a_little_girl_was_saying_her_prayers/
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What do you call a game developer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zcun7/what_do_you_call_a_game_developer_with_erectile/
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How can you be both right and wrong?

Be a republican from a democrat's point of view.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zcmik/how_can_you_be_both_right_and_wrong/
%
So I saw the new IT movie...

I was really disappointed and confused that there were absolutely no computers in the movie at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zclfe/so_i_saw_the_new_it_movie/
%
What do you call a fat computer?

A Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zcktr/what_do_you_call_a_fat_computer/
%
My wife left me for being too insecure

No wait she's back
she was just getting some tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zcimf/my_wife_left_me_for_being_too_insecure/
%
What do you call an alligator that is constantly starting fights with his friends? [OC]

An instigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zch5v/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_that_is_constantly/
%
Looks like I just lost an electron...

I need to keep a better ion them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zcc99/looks_like_i_just_lost_an_electron/
%
Are you today's date?

Because you're 9/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zc5ws/are_you_todays_date/
%
Why doesn't Trump care about Irma?

She's a 5 at best.
(Sorry if someone else said this, but I've been ducking away from the storm and not paying much attention to the sub)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zc5r4/why_doesnt_trump_care_about_irma/
%
Did you hear Jeffrey Dahmer had dandruff?

They found some head and shoulders in his bathtub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zc41n/did_you_hear_jeffrey_dahmer_had_dandruff/
%
I’m in so much debt, I can’t afford to pay my electric bill.

These are the darkest days of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zc2iw/im_in_so_much_debt_i_cant_afford_to_pay_my/
%
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is knocking on the front door, who should you let in first?

The dog - at least he will shut up once he's inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zbu7e/if_your_dog_is_barking_at_the_back_door_and_your/
%
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

#Canoes tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zbrsj/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_canoe/
%
Fish is swimming up river when he bumps his head.

"Dam!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zbk9t/fish_is_swimming_up_river_when_he_bumps_his_head/
%
What did the Boston Marathon bombers accomplish that Hitler could not?

They ended a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zbjs0/what_did_the_boston_marathon_bombers_accomplish/
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A tired american soldier is on a train to london

The train was packed. He went searching for a seat as he came by a middle aged woman and her dog. He asked her "may I please have that seat", the woman replied "you Americans are so rude, cant you see my little Fifi is sitting here". The soldier walks the length of the train and back to cross the woman and her dog again. He asks again "may I please have that seat". The woman replies again "not only are you Americans ruda but also arrogant". The man picked up the dog and threw him out the train window. The woman screamed and yelped for help and justice as a man from the other side of the cart yelled "It's true you Americans do everything wrong, you eat with the wrong fork, you drive on the wrong side of the road and now you threw the wrong bitch out of the window".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zbhlw/a_tired_american_soldier_is_on_a_train_to_london/
%
Replaced my girlfriend with a supercharger

At least I enjoy hearing it whine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zbhhn/replaced_my_girlfriend_with_a_supercharger/
%
What if Jesus was just gay and he said

'Ah, men'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zbga8/what_if_jesus_was_just_gay_and_he_said/
%
What clown has killed more children than "It"?

Ronald McDonald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zbfyw/what_clown_has_killed_more_children_than_it/
%
What do you call it when a kid teaches their parents?

Learning from your mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zb9l8/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_kid_teaches_their/
%
TIL the movie Starship Troopers was never adapted into a successful video game because...

...bugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zb8ig/til_the_movie_starship_troopers_was_never_adapted/
%
Just found out i was colourblind.

Well that came completely out of the yellow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zb4ef/just_found_out_i_was_colourblind/
%
If you think your microwave and your TV spying on you is bad.

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zb0sp/if_you_think_your_microwave_and_your_tv_spying_on/
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[NSFW] Very offensive: How do you make a gay man have sex with a lady?

Shit in her cunt.
* Source behind it: I was working on a British TV quiz show when comedian Jimmy Carr asked us, the staff, to run through his jokes to make sure that they were okay for airing. This was not one that we approved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zay29/nsfw_very_offensive_how_do_you_make_a_gay_man/
%
Who do businessmen pray to?

The Prophet Margin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zaw5c/who_do_businessmen_pray_to/
%
Threesome?

No thanks, if i want to disappoint 2 people at the same time i'll just have dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zav21/threesome/
%
When's the only time a Jew will leave a tip?

When he gets circumcised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zaudg/whens_the_only_time_a_jew_will_leave_a_tip/
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"Honestly son, it's all about separation of the whites and the colored with some strategic hanging thrown in...

Other than that, there's not really much more I can teach you about doing laundry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zatyq/honestly_son_its_all_about_separation_of_the/
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A married couple try to spice up their love life

The wife says "I have an idea that I think would be fun. Why don't we go to a bar and you act as if you don't know me, then you can try and pick me up?"
The husband, reluctant at first says "Okay, sounds interesting. Let's give it a shot."
Later that night they head to their local pub. The husband heads in first and takes a seat at the bar, patiently waiting for his wife. Soon after his wife heads into the bar. Shocked, she sees her husband hitting it off with a beautiful young lady. She storms over to him and says "What the hell are you doing, you're supposed to be trying to pick me up?!"
The husband turns to her and says "Who the fuck are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zasne/a_married_couple_try_to_spice_up_their_love_life/
%
I went to a club for sufferers of premature ejaculation and no one was there...

Guess I came too early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zapu7/i_went_to_a_club_for_sufferers_of_premature/
%
I have many jokes about unemployed friends,

but none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zaomu/i_have_many_jokes_about_unemployed_friends/
%
I used to date a one-legged girl who worked at a brewery...

..she was in charge of the hops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zamxz/i_used_to_date_a_onelegged_girl_who_worked_at_a/
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What do you call a potato that gives you cancer?

A malignant tuber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zajmg/what_do_you_call_a_potato_that_gives_you_cancer/
%
It's too early for hurricane jokes

wait for everything to blow over first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zaj1a/its_too_early_for_hurricane_jokes/
%
Why do women fart after they pee?

They can't shake it so they blow dry it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zaf51/why_do_women_fart_after_they_pee/
%
How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

2, one to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis, I mean father, I mean LADDER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6zadfg/how_many_freudian_psychoanalysts_does_it_take_to/
%
What do you call the sun when it masturbates?

A heat stroke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6za633/what_do_you_call_the_sun_when_it_masturbates/
%
What does a tornado and a divorce in the south have in common?

Somebody is losing a trailer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6za5f1/what_does_a_tornado_and_a_divorce_in_the_south/
%
I don't like political jokes

Too many of them get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z9zit/i_dont_like_political_jokes/
%
My girlfriend said that I'm not a complete dick . . .

Just the foreskin. Sensitive and gets cutoff a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z9w8x/my_girlfriend_said_that_im_not_a_complete_dick/
%
How do you keep a blonde at home?

Build a circular driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z9v9n/how_do_you_keep_a_blonde_at_home/
%
What's a man's most sensitive body part when he's masturbating in the bathroom?

His ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z9tmg/whats_a_mans_most_sensitive_body_part_when_hes/
%
Why do the military use acids?

To neutralize enemy bases

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z9s1u/why_do_the_military_use_acids/
%
I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.”

She said, “Which doctor?”
I said, “No, the regular kind.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z9i6q/i_said_to_my_wife_i_need_to_call_the_doctor_today/
%
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z9g7g/i_finally_managed_to_get_rid_of_that_nasty/
%
Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant?

Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American want to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z9fw4/why_did_donald_trump_marry_an_immigrant/
%
Girlfriend: Roses are straight, violets are twisted...

...Bend over, love. You are about to get fisted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z9ewa/girlfriend_roses_are_straight_violets_are_twisted/
%
What is the difference between a coffee shop and a brothel?

My girlfriend never asks for a large black at the coffee shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z9dwl/what_is_the_difference_between_a_coffee_shop_and/
%
Snail with an attitude

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z9be5/snail_with_an_attitude/
%
Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"

Student: I is the...
Teacher: stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: okay! I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z9bbd/teacher_tell_me_a_sentence_that_starts_with_an_i/
%
Life without women would be pain in the ass

Literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z98tt/life_without_women_would_be_pain_in_the_ass/
%
How did Rhianna find out that Chris Brown was cheating?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z97b3/how_did_rhianna_find_out_that_chris_brown_was/
%
When Trump announced job creations...

I didn't think it was for the same position over and over again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z93jg/when_trump_announced_job_creations/
%
Two morons are sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, why didn't the other?

He was a little more on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z93f5/two_morons_are_sitting_on_a_fence_the_big_one/
%
"What school?"

Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"
Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick: "What school?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z92py/what_school/
%
Why did the cannibal live on his own?

He was fed up with other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z8zv2/why_did_the_cannibal_live_on_his_own/
%
My wife makes me feel like christmas

I only come once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z8vgv/my_wife_makes_me_feel_like_christmas/
%
Who Came First

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.
The egg, looking very hacked off, grabs the quilt, rolls over and says, "Well, we finally answered THAT question!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z8v59/who_came_first/
%
He's Serving Her

Little Johnny went to visit his grandfather's farm for a holiday. While grandfather was showing him around the farm, he saw a cock doing his business with one of the hens, and he asked, "Grandpa, what's that?”
Grandpa replied, "That's a cock, and that's a hen, and he's serving her."
Further on, Johnny saw a horse doing his business with a mare, and he asked, "Grandpa, what's that?”
Grandpa replied, "That's a horse, and that's a mare, and he's serving her."
At dinner that night, Grandma said, "Grandpa, will you please serve the turkey?"
At that, little Johnny jumped up and said, "If he does that, I'm having a hamburger!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z8uoq/hes_serving_her/
%
I covered all my weapons in glue.

I questioned it at first, but I decided to stick to my guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z8s28/i_covered_all_my_weapons_in_glue/
%
What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.

Bisexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z8rvg/what_do_you_call_a_hillbilly_who_owns_sheep_and/
%
My girlfriend says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right.

So I packed her bags and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z8qxn/my_girlfriend_says_im_an_idiot_who_cant_do/
%
A man is being arrested...

...by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z8qbn/a_man_is_being_arrested/
%
Why do Jews get Circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z8p2n/why_do_jews_get_circumcised/
%
Why are there no "yo pappa" jokes?

He said he was going to tell me one when he got back from buying cigarettes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z8itm/why_are_there_no_yo_pappa_jokes/
%
What's the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z8hgo/whats_the_definition_of_trust/
%
What is the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z8c57/what_is_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
%
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus.

It was terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z8b4w/my_buddy_gave_me_a_terrible_thesaurus/
%
What do you call a fat baby?

Heavy infantry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z89ar/what_do_you_call_a_fat_baby/
%
Today I donated a watch, a phone and my wallet to a poor guy...

You can't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z88n1/today_i_donated_a_watch_a_phone_and_my_wallet_to/
%
Yo mama's so ugly

people break in her house to close the curtains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z88e7/yo_mamas_so_ugly/
%
I used to be an Adventurer like you...

...But then I got rereleased 7 times in 6 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z88b9/i_used_to_be_an_adventurer_like_you/
%
What did a cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z81ll/what_did_a_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
When I was younger I thought drugs were going to be a much bigger problem.

Now I'm older, they seem like the only solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z7xux/when_i_was_younger_i_thought_drugs_were_going_to/
%
Have you tried the whale sushi?

It's Killer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z7xmi/have_you_tried_the_whale_sushi/
%
Dunno what this WiFi dude did

But I've seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z7wnq/dunno_what_this_wifi_dude_did/
%
Why blind people don't skydive?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z7wja/why_blind_people_dont_skydive/
%
A wife says to her husband...

"You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z7sya/a_wife_says_to_her_husband/
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Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?

The grass tickles their balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z7s5f/why_do_dwarfs_laugh_when_they_play_soccer/
%
Two alligators were swimming next to a law firm...

*edit: fixed spelling errors.*
...When the first alligator, Kyle, says to the second alligator, Tim, "Jeez Tim, how are you so much bigger than me? When we were kids we were the same size, but now I am tiny and you are huge!" Tim thinks about it for a moment, and asks Kyle, "Well, what do you eat?" "Lawyers!" Tim says "Same as you, Kyle. I get the ones at the law firm at the edge of the swamp!" "Huh." Says Kyle "Well, the problem might be your technique. You could be burning too much energy. Tell me how you eat the lawyers." "Well..." Tim stops a moment to think "...I hide under their BMWs... and when they step out or in, I bite 'em by the leg, shake the shit out of 'em and gobble 'em right up!" "Ah" exclaims Kyle, "I know what your problem is. You see, Tim, when you are done shaking the shit out of a lawyer there's nothing left but a suit and a briefcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z7ig8/two_alligators_were_swimming_next_to_a_law_firm/
%
Billy Joel's house has burned down. apparently due to a faulty game console.

Investigators say the fire was caused by a faulty game console. However, Mr Joel has claimed that Wii didn't start the fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z7hyw/billy_joels_house_has_burned_down_apparently_due/
%
When does a astronaut eat?

At launch time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z7h1z/when_does_a_astronaut_eat/
%
American children are very mean

In Germany they are Kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z7f8e/american_children_are_very_mean/
%
What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dunnnng, dunnng, dunnng...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z7evn/whats_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
%
What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for centuries?

Church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z7cu5/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_that_has_been_stuck/
%
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z7b5g/the_doctor_told_me_my_voice_box_is_damaged_and_i/
%
Child soldiers are important

They form the infantry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z76x4/child_soldiers_are_important/
%
I wanna make a joke about my mom and dad being "gender neutral"

But it seems too transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z76rs/i_wanna_make_a_joke_about_my_mom_and_dad_being/
%
I have a fear of speed bumps...

But don't worry. I'm slowly getting over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z76gg/i_have_a_fear_of_speed_bumps/
%
Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z75io/why_did_the_chicken_commit_suicide/
%
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "Hey asshole! It's 3:30 in the fucking morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z733r/late_one_night_a_drunk_guy_is_showing_some/
%
Two idiots envy their boss

Two idiots are talking in their office, the first one say, "Hey, why's James the boss of us?"
The other turns to his friend and replies, "Well, I don't know, but I'm gonna ask." So he stands out of his chair and goes to find his boss.
He finds his boss in the lounge and asks him, "Hey, Boss, why're you the boss, and I'm not?"
James, rubs his chin and thinks, he smiles and stands next to a wall. "Okay, Rick, I'm gonna put my hand here, and I want you to punch it."
Rick agrees and throws a punch at his Boss's hand. Before he could make contact, James pulls his hand out of the way and Rick's hand smashes into the wall. He screams and holds his hand, "damn it hurts like hell!"
"That's why I'm the boss.
Rick goes back to his friend, "Hey, did you find out why he's the boss?"
"Yeah, let me show you," Rick places his hand onto his face and says, "Try punching my hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z6v60/two_idiots_envy_their_boss/
%
In a small town in America, a person decided to open up his bar business, which was right opposite to a church

The church & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground. The church folk were rather smug in their outlook after that, till The bar owner sued the church authorities for $2million on the grounds that the church through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible For the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop’s demise. In support of their claim they referred to the Benson study at Harvard that inter-cessionary prayer had no impact !
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork and at the hearing and commented: ‘I don’t know how I am going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church and its devotees that doesn’t.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z6tsf/in_a_small_town_in_america_a_person_decided_to/
%
Where does a spy sleep?

Under covers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z6nxg/where_does_a_spy_sleep/
%
I once made a pun out of paper.

It was tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z6not/i_once_made_a_pun_out_of_paper/
%
Yo mama's so fat

she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z6nb1/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
My dad had a strict rule where I couldn't go on dates if my age was on the clock...

I can't wait to be 61.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z6h6g/my_dad_had_a_strict_rule_where_i_couldnt_go_on/
%
When you have a pet rock

Friend: What are you doing?
Me: Training my pet rock
Friend: That's dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: No Rocky, No!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z6gm0/when_you_have_a_pet_rock/
%
An acid and a base walk into a bar

The police later arrested the two for a salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z6dnz/an_acid_and_a_base_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How does a red-headed man reach orgasm?

Alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z65v7/how_does_a_redheaded_man_reach_orgasm/
%
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know, and I don’t care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z65u5/what_is_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
%
Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a redditor a joke, he will change it up a bit so it doesn't look obvious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z65p7/tell_a_man_a_joke_he_will_laugh_for_a_day/
%
A nurse died and arrived before St. Peter

He explained, "We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell."
"How do I know which to choose?" She asked.
"That's easy," said St. Peter, "You have to spend a day in each place before making a decision."
With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell. The elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her.  She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times. That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant. She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy. Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven. The day in heaven was okay. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp. At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision.
"Well, heaven was great and all," the nurse said, "but I had abetter time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell."
With that, she got in the elevator and went back down. When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.
When the devil walked over, she said to him, "I don't understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking."
The devil smiled and said, "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z62ql/a_nurse_died_and_arrived_before_st_peter/
%
What do you call the unit that measures emotions?

A sentimetre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z5wk8/what_do_you_call_the_unit_that_measures_emotions/
%
If at first you don’t succeed...

Then perhaps skydiving isn’t for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z5wb8/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
They say inside every fat person is a skinny person trying to get out.

But that's silly. Surely the skinny people aren't still alive after they eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z5w5y/they_say_inside_every_fat_person_is_a_skinny/
%
The detective said, "Something's fishy about this evidence..."

Turned out to be a red herring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z5uz7/the_detective_said_somethings_fishy_about_this/
%
Yo momma so cheap...

...that she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z5ujq/yo_momma_so_cheap/
%
Jaguar just announced an XK-E Concept car they will show at the Frankfurt Auto Show this year.

They had been working on it for 10 years but they only recently figured out how to make it leak oil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z5s8l/jaguar_just_announced_an_xke_concept_car_they/
%
Why was the Egyptian boy confused?

Because his dad was a mummy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z5oso/why_was_the_egyptian_boy_confused/
%
I have a coworker just back off maternity leave who takes extra long breaks to pump her breasts..

She is really milking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z5mz7/i_have_a_coworker_just_back_off_maternity_leave/
%
Electric vibrators and my frat brother have a lot in common,

they're both charged with sexual batteries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z5dji/electric_vibrators_and_my_frat_brother_have_a_lot/
%
Directions to the Post Office

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies
room of the gas station.
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,  "Sonny, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks
and turn to your right.  It's on the left."
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to
church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle:
"You're shitting me, right?  You can't even find the Post Office."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z5bm6/directions_to_the_post_office/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear...
(From my daughter)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z57n1/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
What is mitosis?

It's what you say when your sister steps on your foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z568b/what_is_mitosis/
%
Manner lesson

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Little Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for
a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z4zj7/manner_lesson/
%
A woodpecker's a bird...

...unless you're a puppet.
~ The late great Robin Williams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z4vbv/a_woodpeckers_a_bird/
%
How do you shut an Italian up for good?

Chop his hands off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z4v3b/how_do_you_shut_an_italian_up_for_good/
%
A clown and a five year old boy are walking into the woods

As they get deeper into the forest the little boy says, Wow it's scary in here!
The clown replies, What are you scared of, I gotta walk out of here alone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z4ro0/a_clown_and_a_five_year_old_boy_are_walking_into/
%
My friend invented a machine that can take a disc out of a console, then put a new one in

It's a game changer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z4q3h/my_friend_invented_a_machine_that_can_take_a_disc/
%
What did the abusive mallard say to his duck wife?

Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z4okh/what_did_the_abusive_mallard_say_to_his_duck_wife/
%
I dated a contortionist once.

It didn't last, she was all wrapped up in herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z4nay/i_dated_a_contortionist_once/
%
NSFW 3 gay guys are talking at the bar

They each just lost their lovers. The first guy says "I'm going to spread his ashes over the ocean, we loved going there." The second guy says "I'm going to spread his ashes in the mountains because we loved the snow." The last guy says "I'm going to put my lovers ashes in some chili so he can tear my ass up one more time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z4ms1/nsfw_3_gay_guys_are_talking_at_the_bar/
%
An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.

And brought it to a table of friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z4ler/an_very_attractive_woman_took_a_seat_next_to_me/
%
Ex who lives in Florida

called and asked if she and her kids could come North and stay with me until the hurricane passes.
I said "Well, your dog can."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z4i22/ex_who_lives_in_florida/
%
Claims that cloud storage is the future of smartphone memory issues

Sounds good, but I have no data to back it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z4glm/claims_that_cloud_storage_is_the_future_of/
%
I like my ceiling...

It's not the best, but it's up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z4edl/i_like_my_ceiling/
%
Did you hear about the guy whose license said he needed to wear glasses while driving?

He was pulled over by a cop one day and the cop tells him that he's going to jail for driving without his glasses.
"But officer I have contacts!"
"I don't care who you know buddy you're still going to jail!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z4b3l/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whose_license_said_he/
%
I just found out my best friend is a communist. To be honest, I should have known.

All the red flags were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z4atn/i_just_found_out_my_best_friend_is_a_communist_to/
%
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z49mg/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_fruit_punch/
%
A man vacationing in Jamaica goes to the bathroom, and notices a local at an adjacent urinal ... [nsfw]

Catching a glimpse as he walks up, he sees the name "Wendy" tattooed on the man's penis. A bit shocked he remarked, "Hey, Wendy is my girlfriend's name too! But, I don't think I'd love her enough to tattoo her name on my penis. Didn't it hurt?"
"Nah, man," the Jamaican smirked.
A bit taken aback, the tourist remarked, "Really!? It didn't hurt at all?"
The Jamaican replied with a smile, "Nah, man. It hurt like 'ell, but it don't say 'Wendy.' It say 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z47hp/a_man_vacationing_in_jamaica_goes_to_the_bathroom/
%
The Blonde that wanted to prove she wasn't dumb.

A blonde woman kept getting told she was dumb because she was blonde.
She decided to dye her hair black and show people how smart she was.
She approached a farmer with a herd of sheep and asked him.
-"Sir, if i can guess how many sheep you have there, will you give me one?"
-"Well ma'am, i suppose, if you guess the exact number i'll let you have one".
-"Alright, you have 134 sheep".
-"I'll be damned, that's exactly right, well, pick the one you like".
-"THIS ONE!"
-"If i guess the natural color of your hair, can i have my dog back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z41vj/the_blonde_that_wanted_to_prove_she_wasnt_dumb/
%
Women, do you want longer lashes?

All you have to do is show an ankle in Saudi Arabia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z40y0/women_do_you_want_longer_lashes/
%
A Rabbi and a Roman Catholic Priest sit next to each other on a plane.

They start talking about themselves and after a while the priest asks the Rabbi if he has ever eaten pork before. The Rabbi denies it vehemently but the priest keeps pushing until finally the Rabbi admits that he had once before he became a Rabbi.   The Rabbi, not happy with the events, asks the priest if he's ever had sex before. The priest denies it but the Rabbi keeps pushing until finally the priest admits that he had before he became a priest. The Rabbi, not content yet, leans forward and says "it's better than pork isn't it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z40fy/a_rabbi_and_a_roman_catholic_priest_sit_next_to/
%
The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple.
But with extremely limited memory - just one byte.
Everything crashed.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z3y31/the_oldest_computer_can_be_traced_to_adam_and_eve/
%
Penis enlargement NSFW (Long)

Paddy's wife complains to him that his penis is too small and doesn't satisfy her, so on a visit to the local pub, after a few pints, he seeks advice from Mick, who's a well-known ladies' man.
"Do what I do," says Mick. "As I go upstairs, I slap my pecker off the handrail with every step I take. That makes it really swell up before I reach the bedroom."
Paddy gets home from the pub, and realizes his wife has already gone to bed, so he decides to give Mick's advice a try. Removing all of his clothes, he starts up the stairs, slapping his pecker against the handrail with each step.
He's only gone up three steps when he hears his wife call out, "Is that you, Mick me darlin'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z3u0n/penis_enlargement_nsfw_long/
%
Timmy came home complaining to his dad that he was being picked on and called gay at school by a boy named Johnny.

Dad: Punch him in the face next time he picks on you son, I won't be mad.
Timmy: Idk, he's kinda cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z3tc4/timmy_came_home_complaining_to_his_dad_that_he/
%
I'm really fortunate for my sphincter muscle.

Without it I'd lose my shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z3pza/im_really_fortunate_for_my_sphincter_muscle/
%
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

You break up with her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z3ms3/what_do_you_do_when_your_dishwasher_stops_working/
%
What do you call a duck that falls out of a palm tree?

A quackanut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z3l93/what_do_you_call_a_duck_that_falls_out_of_a_palm/
%
What is The Pope's favorite workout program?

Cross-fit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z3jvw/what_is_the_popes_favorite_workout_program/
%
If you put your mind to it you can make any dream a reality.

And that, officers, is why I am in this classroom naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z3jtq/if_you_put_your_mind_to_it_you_can_make_any_dream/
%
I knew a guy who survived mustard gas and pepper spray

He is now a seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z3hqz/i_knew_a_guy_who_survived_mustard_gas_and_pepper/
%
Two men are walking in the woods...

...all of a sudden, one of them collapses. The other man dials 911 and says, "Help! I think my friend is dead!" The operator responds, "Sir, calm down. First of all, we need to make sure he is dead." There is a minute of silence and a loud thud before the man responds, "Okay, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z3h4n/two_men_are_walking_in_the_woods/
%
Whats the good thing about living in Houston?

Property values are gonna be higher than Miami on Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z3h0f/whats_the_good_thing_about_living_in_houston/
%
Fight Club turns 18 this year....

but I don't want to talk about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z3fel/fight_club_turns_18_this_year/
%
What do you call a person who's sexually attracted to chic peas and tahini?

A hummus-sexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z3dhh/what_do_you_call_a_person_whos_sexually_attracted/
%
A hurricane is a lot like getting married...

Starts with a lot of blowing, then you lose your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z39mk/a_hurricane_is_a_lot_like_getting_married/
%
My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

But today is opposite day so it's all good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z37au/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_today_saying_i_was_too/
%
Last night, ...

Last night, I was in a bar drinking my bitter and minding my own business.
This unsightly wench walked up to me and offered to leave her number.
I asked "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said "Yes."
I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer notices you are missing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z3570/last_night/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I'd ever seen "The Bucket List."

I said no, but I'd like to before I die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z31so/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_id_ever_seen_the_bucket/
%
I fought with my brother about how he likes to kick ice under the refrigerator, but we're cool now.

It's all water under the fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z31ph/i_fought_with_my_brother_about_how_he_likes_to/
%
C's get degrees

So do ℉

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z313n/cs_get_degrees/
%
My neighbors are listening to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z2zr5/my_neighbors_are_listening_to_great_music/
%
Sex, for men, is kinda like pizza...

When it's good, it's REALLY GOOD. And when it's bad... meh it's still pretty good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z2zn3/sex_for_men_is_kinda_like_pizza/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the people that he was no chicken.
~~Also to get to the other side.~~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z2wlo/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
My girlfriend and I had sex in my car last night. Was pretty uncomfortable though...

... Maybe we should have dropped her parents off first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z2u66/my_girlfriend_and_i_had_sex_in_my_car_last_night/
%
Why didn't Romans use clippers to cut their hair?

They prefer Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z2s15/why_didnt_romans_use_clippers_to_cut_their_hair/
%
A magician was asked about the magic trick where someone is put into a coffin and cut in two.

"What can you tell me about that famous trick where you cut someone in two?"
"I obviously can't tell you the secret of how it works, but it failed once. The cutting in two was easy, but I didn't manage to put the poor girl back together..."
"My gosh... how is she doing now?
I've heard she's doing fine. She lives in London and New York now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z2qwb/a_magician_was_asked_about_the_magic_trick_where/
%
My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z2qpg/my_girlfriend_and_i_planned_to_commit_suicide/
%
How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You guys wanna go ride bikes?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z2mjn/how_many_add_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I said hi to a feminist the other day

My trial starts next week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z2lym/i_said_hi_to_a_feminist_the_other_day/
%
A man mentions to his coworker that her hair smells nice today

The woman suddenly grows enraged, storms into her supervisor's office, and declares loudly that she's quitting and has decided to file a sexual harassment suit.
"Come on," says the supervisor, "What's wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice?"
"He's a fucking midget!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z2ivh/a_man_mentions_to_his_coworker_that_her_hair/
%
I know a boomerang joke

I forgot it, but I'm sure it'll come back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z2ggz/i_know_a_boomerang_joke/
%
My friend asked me what I was being for Halloween, and I said "Nothing."

He said "No, that's what you are in real life, you have to wear a costume."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z2cwb/my_friend_asked_me_what_i_was_being_for_halloween/
%
What's the difference between a really good golfer and a police officer on paid administrative leave?

One shot a hole in one, the other shot a hole in Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z292v/whats_the_difference_between_a_really_good_golfer/
%
Trouble with the car

Wife: "There's trouble with the car.  It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor?  That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is.  I"ll check it out.  Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z28xv/trouble_with_the_car/
%
Soldiers

Queen: Come to bed.
King: Not until I have a name for my soldiers.
Queen: K, night.
King: Babe, you're a genius!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z26px/soldiers/
%
The thermos. [Long]

A guy (MAN A) walks into a diner, sits down, and pulls a thermos from his backpack. Across the room, a man at the counter, (MAN B)  noticed the man.
MAN B: "Hey you! What you got there?"
MAN A: "It's called a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot, and cold stuff cold!"
MAN B: "Wow! I gotta get me one of those!!!"
The next day, the same to men, (A and B) walk into the same diner.
MAN B: "Hey look! I picked me up one of those thermos things!"
MAN A: "Great! What did you bring for lunch?"
MAN B: "2 hotdogs and a popsicle for dessert!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z25vw/the_thermos_long/
%
Saw "IT" last night

Far less "computer networking" and so much more "murderous clowning" than anticipated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z24du/saw_it_last_night/
%
I met a Nuclear Engineer the other day.

He had a bunch of Electronic Engineers buzzing around him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z22o9/i_met_a_nuclear_engineer_the_other_day/
%
My girlfriend's a pornstar.

But for the life of me, I don't know how to tell her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z20ob/my_girlfriends_a_pornstar/
%
I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet

Whoops, E-Daisies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z20nf/i_accidentally_sent_my_friend_flowers_over_the/
%
What do you call a chicken coop with four doors?

A chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z1w5p/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_coop_with_four_doors/
%
What do you call a witchy DJ?

A Wicca-Wicca-Wiccan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z1ug9/what_do_you_call_a_witchy_dj/
%
I’m addicted to seaweed.

I must seek kelp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z1qdc/im_addicted_to_seaweed/
%
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z1q5r/i_have_a_phobia_of_overengineered_buildings/
%
Massive trump rally scheduled for tomorrow

Miami Beach @ 10:00, come show your support!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z1pku/massive_trump_rally_scheduled_for_tomorrow/
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Hurricane Irma

Right now Irma is signaling for a left turn.
But it's Florida so, you know, you can't really be sure whats going to happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z1onz/hurricane_irma/
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If you piss off a vegan....

Is it still called a beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z1le1/if_you_piss_off_a_vegan/
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Bubba, Cooter and logic

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter waswaiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter asks, "What's logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're gay, ain't ya?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z1jq3/bubba_cooter_and_logic/
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Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can't see you anymore. I won't let you hurt me again.

Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z1jq0/me_uncontrollable_sobbing_i_cant_see_you_anymore/
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I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself

Where the hell is my ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z1et7/i_was_laying_in_bed_last_night_looking_up_at_the/
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How much does a Hipster weight ?

2 Instagram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z1a4n/how_much_does_a_hipster_weight/
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when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others.

The same thing is true if you're stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z18vx/when_youre_dead_you_dont_know_it_its_only_painful/
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What do you do if an epileptic is having a fit in a bath?

Throw your washing in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z187n/what_do_you_do_if_an_epileptic_is_having_a_fit_in/
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Scientists removed the entire right half of a guy's body.

Then he was left alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z17my/scientists_removed_the_entire_right_half_of_a/
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A Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister go golfing

They're all discussing what to do with the donations from their congregations. How much should they keep and how much should they give back to God.
The Priest says: "Let's draw a circle and throw all of the money up in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle we give to God and anything that lands outside we keep."
The Minister says: "No, whatever lands outside the circle we give to God and anything that lands inside, we keep."
Then the Rabbi says: "Guys, I've got it! We throw all of the money in the air and whatever God wants, he keeps!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z16pg/a_rabbi_a_priest_and_a_minister_go_golfing/
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What are the four hardest years for a policeman?

First grade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z11kc/what_are_the_four_hardest_years_for_a_policeman/
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Ever wondered why atheists don't solve exponential equations?

It's because they don't believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z10ts/ever_wondered_why_atheists_dont_solve_exponential/
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What's the difference between a joke and 4 dicks?

My ex can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0zwn/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_4_dicks/
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I never realised how close "f" and "t" were on the keyboard...

...not until I texted my wife and told her I'd tucked our daughter in, anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0z2d/i_never_realised_how_close_f_and_t_were_on_the/
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Found this on the interwebs

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0x20/found_this_on_the_interwebs/
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Eggs in my fridge

I bought 12 eggs today but there was no room for them in my fridge. Dozen fit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0vp0/eggs_in_my_fridge/
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I am 23 and haven't had my periods as yet. My little sis is 17 and had her period since 13...

... I feel ashamed to talk about this to my friends because I don't know if I have a problem....
Or does it take longer when you are a boy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0vau/i_am_23_and_havent_had_my_periods_as_yet_my/
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I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0v6y/i_really_love_playing_chess_with_elderly_people/
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Did you hear about the midget psychic that escaped from prison?

That makes him a small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0to3/did_you_hear_about_the_midget_psychic_that/
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Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer

Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0tli/buzzfeed_employee_is_diagnosed_with_stage_2_brain/
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I work in a prison, and when people ask me if I enjoy my job...

...I tell them that it has it's pros and cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0swy/i_work_in_a_prison_and_when_people_ask_me_if_i/
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I gave a deaf blind child my seat in the taxi

After he ran over several people I began to contemplate my decision, I told him to stop but he just wouldn't listen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0rmf/i_gave_a_deaf_blind_child_my_seat_in_the_taxi/
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Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there is plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I am just stuck here holding my rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0qvc/dating_is_a_lot_like_fishing/
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I once volunteered to help out at a special needs school

I played games with them like football, tennis, basketball etc.
It makes you feel so good inside...
Because you always win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0loh/i_once_volunteered_to_help_out_at_a_special_needs/
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My son wanted to know what it's like to be married

. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0k3i/my_son_wanted_to_know_what_its_like_to_be_married/
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I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0hlj/im_a_magician_of_sorts_i_steal_candy_bars_using/
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Build a man a fire and you'll keep him warm for a night

set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0fkm/build_a_man_a_fire_and_youll_keep_him_warm_for_a/
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what do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0bi2/what_do_you_get_when_you_insert_human_dna_into_a/
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'Dad, how much did it cost for you and mom to get married?'

Dad's reply: idk I'm still paying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z0bbd/dad_how_much_did_it_cost_for_you_and_mom_to_get/
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Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

He was out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z06fy/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_promoted/
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The costume party

A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.
A lady comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!", and lets her in.
Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his penis stuck in it, and the other guy has his penis in a hollowed-out pear.
"Wait a minute," she says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!"
The first guy says, "Yeah, and I'm fucking dis-custard."
The second guy says, "And I'm deep in dis-pear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z05ik/the_costume_party/
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Wow, nice legs!

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6z01o0/wow_nice_legs/
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What do you call a hooker's farts?

Prostitoots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yzy0u/what_do_you_call_a_hookers_farts/
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How do you send a demon to heaven?

You scare the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yzwyt/how_do_you_send_a_demon_to_heaven/
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What does Bob Ross's paintings and an orphanage have in common?

They're both full of happy little accidents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yzw6h/what_does_bob_rosss_paintings_and_an_orphanage/
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My neighbor asked if I knew anything about the missing clothes from her clothes line

I almost shit her pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yzv96/my_neighbor_asked_if_i_knew_anything_about_the/
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What's an Asian cannibal's favorite food?

Ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yzsve/whats_an_asian_cannibals_favorite_food/
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My doctor said he thought I had the body of a 25 year old.

So naturally I had to kill him and bury him next to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yzrl3/my_doctor_said_he_thought_i_had_the_body_of_a_25/
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A man goes to the pharmacy with his 8 year old son

While looking for his medicine the kid looks to a pack of condoms and asks his dad: Dad, what is this?
His dad replies: those are condoms son, people use them so they can safely have fun together, while under the blankets.
A few moments later the kid point to a pack of 3 condoms and asks: Dad what are those for?
His dad replies: those are for the highschool folks, one to use on Friday, one to use on Saturday and one to use on Sunday.
The kid points to a pack of 6 and asks: and what are those for?
His dad replies: those are for college folks, 2 to use on Friday, 2 to use on Saturday and 2 to use on Sunday.
Later the kid points to a pack of 12 and asks: Dad, what are those for?
With a smile on his face his dad replies: those are for the married folks.
For which the kid replies: really dad?
His dad replies: Yes son, it's one to use on January, one to use on February, one to use on March....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yzr4e/a_man_goes_to_the_pharmacy_with_his_8_year_old_son/
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I downloaded an app that I thought would help me find great sandwiches...

Turns out that's not what Grinder is for. I still got a footlong, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yzk7z/i_downloaded_an_app_that_i_thought_would_help_me/
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yzaez/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_baby/
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Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yza51/why_is_it_so_hard_to_break_up_with_a_japanese/
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I was addicted to The Hokey-Pokey....

Luckily, I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yz9l7/i_was_addicted_to_the_hokeypokey/
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Roses are red violets are blue

I'm boarding my windows
So shit won't fly through

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yz8dv/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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Last year for Christmas, I got my girlfriend a t-shirt and a vibrator...

If she didn't like the t-shirt, she could go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yz5e4/last_year_for_christmas_i_got_my_girlfriend_a/
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What do you call a blind German

A Nazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yz527/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
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What do you get when a brewmaster punches you lightly on the shoulder?

Microbruise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yz48z/what_do_you_get_when_a_brewmaster_punches_you/
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A HUSBAND'S LAST REQUEST

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The husband was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yz370/a_husbands_last_request/
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Ever heard about the bread theif that always has a headache?

He's got my grains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yz0t6/ever_heard_about_the_bread_theif_that_always_has/
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How do you drown a hipster?

Throw him in the main stream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yyxt4/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
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I forgot to bring the drinks to my senior prom. But hey, look at the bright side.

No punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yyx7t/i_forgot_to_bring_the_drinks_to_my_senior_prom/
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What do you call a snake who makes a living building passenger airplanes?

A Boeing constructor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yyw29/what_do_you_call_a_snake_who_makes_a_living/
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What does Reddit have in common with 'Who's Line Is It Anyway'?

Everything is made up and the points don't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yysh2/what_does_reddit_have_in_common_with_whos_line_is/
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A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn

tried to swim from Norway to America on a dare. Ten miles from the Norwegian coast, the Swede gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. Fifty miles from the Norwegian coast, the Norwegian gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. The Finn had just caught sight of the American coast, when he sighed "I can't make it either..." and promptly swam back to Norway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yypsq/a_swede_a_norwegian_and_a_finn/
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Paddy Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are

Paddy Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says Paddy Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, Paddy Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yyp4y/paddy_englishman_irishman_and_scotsman_are/
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A man just assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese

How dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yyjp8/a_man_just_assaulted_me_with_milk_butter_and/
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I tell myself I should cut back on my drinking

but I am not gonna listen to a drunk who talks to his self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yyi8j/i_tell_myself_i_should_cut_back_on_my_drinking/
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Finest whisky! NSFW (Long)

Paddy finds bottle on beach. Rubs it and Genie appears and offers him one wish. "I'd like to pee the finest Irish whisky," says Paddy.
"Granted!", says the Genie. Paddy pees in a cup, tastes it and is taken aback. "This is the finest whisky I've ever tasted." He rushes home, tells his wife (who is a bit dubious at first -- but when he finally tries a sip, she agrees that it's the  best whisky she's ever tasted.) They spend the night sipping the limitless supply of free whisky.
Next night Paddy comes home from work and his wife tells him she has two large glasses ready on the kitchen table. "We'll only need one," says Paddy. "You're drinking straight from the bottle tonight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yyfqu/finest_whisky_nsfw_long/
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My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yyflj/my_12_yr_old_nephew_what_do_you_call_a_reptile/
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A Blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trying to get to heaven

St. Peter is at the bottom of a staircase, welcoming them.
"Welcome, these are the steps that lead to the gates of heaven. There are a hundred steps and at each one, I will tell an offensive joke and if you laugh, you have no business getting into heaven. "
So they start their journey and it goes well for quite some time until at step 24 the redhead burst out laughing. St. Peter tells her she is not allowed to go into heaven, so she leaves.
At step 47 the brunette couldn't keep a straight face anymore, so St. Peter tells her off as well.
But the blonde is still going strong until finally, at step 99 she couldn't keep it in anymore. St. Peter looks confused
"Why are you laughing? I didn't even get to the last joke?" He said.
The blonde replied; "I just got the first joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yycx0/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_trying_to/
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A boat joke: Why is the back of a boat tougher than the front?

It's made of sterner stuff!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yy9ea/a_boat_joke_why_is_the_back_of_a_boat_tougher/
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Why did the chicken cross the road

Because you didn't cook it you bloody donkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yy0un/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yxyid/apparently_there_is_bipartisan_agreement_in/
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After an argument with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory.

I don’t like to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yxxqk/after_an_argument_with_my_boss_i_decided_to_leave/
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I worked at Apple. Today...

iQuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yxx6z/i_worked_at_apple_today/
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If Ironman and Silver Surfer teamed up

They would be alloys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yxsx5/if_ironman_and_silver_surfer_teamed_up/
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I decided to leave work an hour early today.

You should have seen the look on the co-pilot's face when I grabbed that parachute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yxkwx/i_decided_to_leave_work_an_hour_early_today/
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What's a rappers favorite toy?

A yoyo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yxihm/whats_a_rappers_favorite_toy/
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"Mom, what's an orgasm?“

"How the fuck should I know, ask your dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yxibi/mom_whats_an_orgasm/
%
My dog needed training, so I brought him into the bedroom at night.

From me he learned how to beg.
My wife taught him how to roll over and play dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yxdes/my_dog_needed_training_so_i_brought_him_into_the/
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Golf Lessons

My wife and I went to take golf lessons from a pro at the golf club.
We meet the pro and headed to the driving range. I went first. I swing and hit the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." I followed his instructions and hit the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, "Excellent!"
My wife takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's penis." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yx6ch/golf_lessons/
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Read this carefully.

A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist, are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" said the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yx64d/read_this_carefully/
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A waiter says to a customer "Excuse me, miss, but you appear to have some lettuce stuck in your pants."

"That's just the tip of the iceberg." She replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yx2m1/a_waiter_says_to_a_customer_excuse_me_miss_but/
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On the day before Thanksgiving, Jimmy heard his parents call each other "bitch" and "bastard" one day.

Confused, he saked them what those words meant. His parents told him that it meant "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day, Jimmy saw his dad shaving. His dad accidentally cut his face and exclaimed, "Shit!" Jimmy asked him what that word meant and his dad told him "shit" was the shaving cream he put on his face.
Then, he saw his mom cutting turkey in preparation for the feast that evening. His mom cut her hand and shouted, "FUCK!" Jimmy asked her what that meant and his mom told him it meant to cut the turkey.
In the evening, when all his relatives arrived, Jimmy decided to show off some of the new words he learned to his family. He got up and said-
"Hello, bitches and bastards. My dad is putting shit on his face and my mom is fucking the turkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywzm5/on_the_day_before_thanksgiving_jimmy_heard_his/
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What square did the knight move onto A6 from?

The square that it was on B4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywyds/what_square_did_the_knight_move_onto_a6_from/
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I was working in a phone store when I got a message from my girlfriend...

"Spacebarbrokenonphonecomehomeandgivemeanalternative."
As I hurried home I couldn't help but wonder, what does ternative mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywwqd/i_was_working_in_a_phone_store_when_i_got_a/
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My Dad had a headache the other day so I asked if he needed any pills.

He said "The only pills that could have stopped this head ache should have been taken 16 years ago"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywwpi/my_dad_had_a_headache_the_other_day_so_i_asked_if/
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What’s the difference between the USA and a USB?

One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data and the other is a computer hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywv0w/whats_the_difference_between_the_usa_and_a_usb/
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Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywr9l/remember_if_your_apartment_is_hit_by_a_dolphin_do/
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I could tell that my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywr1p/i_could_tell_that_my_parents_hated_me/
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What do you call a table that knows the future?

A predictable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywpf9/what_do_you_call_a_table_that_knows_the_future/
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If you're Russian to the bathroom, and when you Finnish you walk out, what are you inside

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywp2r/if_youre_russian_to_the_bathroom_and_when_you/
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Why were there no vegetables in the bolognese?

There wasn't mushroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywmz9/why_were_there_no_vegetables_in_the_bolognese/
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At first I hated my new haircut

Then it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywiyg/at_first_i_hated_my_new_haircut/
%
What do you call an easily scared monkey?

Chimp pansy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywhq7/what_do_you_call_an_easily_scared_monkey/
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Two clowns are eating

A cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywh6h/two_clowns_are_eating/
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Magical Milkcow (long) (nsfw)

There's an Irish family, father, mother, and three sons, who lives in a little dirt shack, their main source of income is this magical milk cow. One day the father wakes up and sees the cow is dead, so he kills himself. The mother wakes up later and sees that the cows dead and the dads dead, so she offs herself as well. The eldest son then wakes up and sees that the cows dead, the dads dead, and the moms dead and he decides to take a reflective walk along a river where he runs into a beautiful female leprechaun. She asks him what's wrong and he explains, she makes a deal- if you can make love to me 10 times in a row, I'll bring back everyone including the milk cow, if you can't I will kill you. He tries and dies.
The second brother wakes up and sees that everyone is dead and walks the same path as his brother did. He runs into the same leprechaun, is offered the same deal and fails.
The third brother, a strapping 18 year old lad wakes up to the horrific scene and decides to take a walk. He runs into the leprechaun who offeres the same deal, but he asks the question- what if I make love to you fifteen times in a row? She says that if he can do that she'll bring everyone back including the cow, and give them enough wealth so the family will never struggle for generations to come. He asks again, what if I make love to you twenty times in a row? The leprechaun laughs, well I'll bring back everyone including the milk cow, give you all limitless wealth, and I'll give you a mansion to go with it. The brother asks one last question, if I make love to you twenty times in a row, what's to stop ya from dying like that milk cow did??
(Sorry if it's hard to read, typing this long ass joke on my phone was difficult)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywe2z/magical_milkcow_long_nsfw/
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A friend of mine told me a lazy eye can be sexy

but then she started looking at me funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywd9u/a_friend_of_mine_told_me_a_lazy_eye_can_be_sexy/
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What do you call synthetic breast cleavage?

Silicone valley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ywb90/what_do_you_call_synthetic_breast_cleavage/
%
I was so close to becoming a gynecologist

I could almost taste it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yw978/i_was_so_close_to_becoming_a_gynecologist/
%
What concert costs only 45 cents?

50 Cent ft. Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yw96c/what_concert_costs_only_45_cents/
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Three men were driving through a desert while on vacation

when all of a sudden the car breaks down.
The three men get out to see what the problem is only to find out the engine block cracked so they agree that they have to go find help and to meet back at the car by nightfall.
They all go to the trunk of the car to see if they have any provisions for their walk and find a jug of water and a loaf of bread.
The first man quickly grabs the jug of water explaining to the other two that if he gets hot he'll just drink some water and keep walking until he finds help and starts to go on his way.
The second man grabs the bread and explains to his friend that if he gets hungry on his journey that he'll just eat some bread and keep walking until he finds help and leaves going a different direction.
The third man is left alone and realizes he has nothing to help him survive the desert so he unbolts the car door and starts walking into the desert in a different direction from the first two.
A hour or so later a desert soldier who was on patrol noticed the first man and asked him if he was ok. The first man explained his situation and assured the soldier that he was ok because if he got hot he could just drink his water. The soldier pointed in a direction and told him to head to his headquarters for help while he searched for the mans friends and headed out again.
A couple of hours later he found the second man still searching for help. The soldier asked him if he was ok and the second man told him he was because he had his bread to eat whenever he got hungry. The soldier explained that he found the first man and to start heading toward the car as help would soon arrive and headed out again to try and find the third man.
The soldier found the third man in no time but was confused as to why he was carrying the car door. When the soldier asked the man why he casually explained that it gets really hot in the desert and if he gets too hot he can just roll down the window to cool off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yw317/three_men_were_driving_through_a_desert_while_on/
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Chinese Sick Leave

Wong calls his boss in the morning telling him he was feeling sick and couldn't come to work.
His boss says, "You know what Wong? Sometimes when I feel sick I ask my wife for sex. I feel better then. You should do the same."
Wong agrees and three hours later he calls his boss again.
"I do what you say and I feel better now. I come to work in a while... By the way, you have very nice house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yw0xx/chinese_sick_leave/
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Two Slices in a Ham Sandwich Marry Each Other.

I bet their children will be inbread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yw0oo/two_slices_in_a_ham_sandwich_marry_each_other/
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How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort

Enough to kill Two And A Half Men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yvzfk/how_much_cocaine_did_charlie_sheen_snort/
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Hellen Keller falling down a cliff

Why couldn't she yell while falling down a cliff?
She was wearing mittens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yvx5m/hellen_keller_falling_down_a_cliff/
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Husband goes home drunk

To avoid trouble, he takes out his laptop and pretends to be busy.
His wife went close to him and asked, "You are drunk again, right"
Husband: No!
Wife: Then why are you typing on your briefcase?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yvvoa/husband_goes_home_drunk/
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My grandpa told me about the 3 rings of marriage today...

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yvv8c/my_grandpa_told_me_about_the_3_rings_of_marriage/
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The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes

the crossing on the road is still named after a Zebra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yvu2m/the_chicken_is_offended_that_even_after_all_the/
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I was thinking, why do balls appear bigger the closer they get.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yvqrm/i_was_thinking_why_do_balls_appear_bigger_the/
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I hate having to shop for jeans as a guy. They're all made like cheap castles.

There's no ballroom!
Sorry if this is a repost, I've never seen it posted to r/jokes before. I only just heard it yesterday from a coworker who claims her grandfather made it up. I thought you lot might like it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yvqke/i_hate_having_to_shop_for_jeans_as_a_guy_theyre/
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A guy shows up late for work

The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yvm46/a_guy_shows_up_late_for_work/
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If the USSR suddenly came back together...

... it should be called the Soviet Reunion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yvk7v/if_the_ussr_suddenly_came_back_together/
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Can anyone give me a hand with some Helen Keller jokes?

I haven't heard or seen any in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yvjlb/can_anyone_give_me_a_hand_with_some_helen_keller/
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They say the inventor of yoga pants had comfort in mind

But I like to think he had posterior motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yvgo5/they_say_the_inventor_of_yoga_pants_had_comfort/
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In honor of the BYU/Utah game tomorrow

Why can't the University of Utah do the nativity scene?
Because they can't find 3 wise men or a virign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yv9gt/in_honor_of_the_byuutah_game_tomorrow/
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In high school I was in a theatrical production about puns.

It was a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yv8fr/in_high_school_i_was_in_a_theatrical_production/
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Had a blind date last night.

Her name was ..:::.::…..:::.::

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yv5dr/had_a_blind_date_last_night/
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Most people enjoy being tickled a few times.

But the Japanese really love ten tickles, from what I've heard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yv58b/most_people_enjoy_being_tickled_a_few_times/
%
A friend of mine told me this joke many years ago

An Indian man gets a job at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. On his first day, after the manager teaches him how to use the register, he tells the newcomer that he is going to be in the back to restock, and if the Indian guy needed any help, he should go to the back and ask him.
A customer walks into the store, pays for his gas, but on his way out he notices a chocolate bar. "How much is this"? He asks. The Indian man doesn't know, so he runs to the back and asks the manager, who tells him it's 25 cents. The man tells the customer: "25 cents". The customer replies: "Is it fresh?". Again, the man doesn't know what to say, so he runs to the back and asks the manager, who tells him to say "yes, very fresh". The man tells the customer: "Yes, bery fresh", to which the customer replies "should I buy it?". The Indian man is tired at this point, but goes to the back and asks his manager what to say. He tells him to say "If you don't, someone else will". The man tells this to the customer, who finally just buys the chocolate bar and leaves.
Later that night, the manager is out, and only the newcomer is in the store. A burglar walks in and points a gun at the clerk, and shouts: "How much is in the register!" The Indian man replied: "25 cents".
"Are you getting fresh with me?"
"Yes, bery fresh."
"Should I kill you?"
"If you don't, someone else will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yv4td/a_friend_of_mine_told_me_this_joke_many_years_ago/
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What do you call a duck that’s addicted to drugs?

A quack addict

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yv4o9/what_do_you_call_a_duck_thats_addicted_to_drugs/
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yv48s/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_was/
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What does a slutty horse wear?

Whore Shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yv3vi/what_does_a_slutty_horse_wear/
%
My girlfriend is a perfect lady in the streets, but an ANIMAL in the sheet!

I wish she'd told me before we started dating. I'm not into lycanthropy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yv2tb/my_girlfriend_is_a_perfect_lady_in_the_streets/
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I wrote a book about diarrhea.

I'm told it flows really well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yv2k3/i_wrote_a_book_about_diarrhea/
%
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do, but I used to too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yv1od/i_used_to_steal_mitch_hedberg_jokes/
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Did you hear about the guy who froze to absolute zero?

He's 0k now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yv1nx/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_froze_to_absolute/
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Driving past a cemetery

"Do you know how many people in there are dead?"
"No"
"All of 'em"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yv09a/driving_past_a_cemetery/
%
On an airplane to Alaska I was talking with the man next to me about fishing the rivers.

He asked if I'd thought about protecting myself from bears.
I proudly told him about the small caliber pistol I had for protection.
The man then asked "Have you filed off the sights?"
Confused I responded "No, why would I do that?"
He smirked and said "That way it doesn't hurt so bad when he shoves it up your ***"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yuyze/on_an_airplane_to_alaska_i_was_talking_with_the/
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What do you call boobs without nipples?

Pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yuxga/what_do_you_call_boobs_without_nipples/
%
How much RAM does a great white shark have?

A killer-bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yut7n/how_much_ram_does_a_great_white_shark_have/
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Jonny the 5th grader needs to take a piss.

Jonny says to his teacher, "Ms. Hill can I go take a piss?"
Ms. Hill says, "Jonny, that's not appropriate language for a 5th grader. The proper word to use is urinate. Now, before you go to the bathroom.. use it in a sentence"
Jonny replied, "Urinate, but you'd be a 10 if you had bigger tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yurhh/jonny_the_5th_grader_needs_to_take_a_piss/
%
"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee thanks, grandpa."
"Why are you calling me grandpa?"
"Because I didn't find it yeterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yurh7/son_i_found_a_condom_in_your_room/
%
Where do you find a dog with no legs

Where you left it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yuppi/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
What's the nationality of someone with many knees?

Polynesian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yupm5/whats_the_nationality_of_someone_with_many_knees/
%
Why is Anne Hathaway so popular?

Because she hathaway with people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yumhq/why_is_anne_hathaway_so_popular/
%
Breaking news: A teacher was arrested for carrying a protractor, a compass and a divider.

The cited reason for the arrest was: " He was carrying weapons of math instruction".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yuluv/breaking_news_a_teacher_was_arrested_for_carrying/
%
I just flew into town, and boy are my arms tired

...I'm a real nervous flyer, so I spent the whole flight just jerking it in the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yuk2b/i_just_flew_into_town_and_boy_are_my_arms_tired/
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Why did the picture go to jail ?

Beacuse it was framed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yujtm/why_did_the_picture_go_to_jail/
%
How'd you make a world?

Plan-et

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yuivj/howd_you_make_a_world/
%
How does Samuel L Jackson count?

One muthafucka, two muthafuckas, three muthafuckas...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yuigh/how_does_samuel_l_jackson_count/
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If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've had...

... Does money even matter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yueq9/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_existential_crisis/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we dont serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yueje/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_drink/
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My friend is afraid of clowns and I could never see why

Then I saw IT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yudk6/my_friend_is_afraid_of_clowns_and_i_could_never/
%
I once persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her ass.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yucgw/i_once_persuaded_my_girlfriend_to_smuggle_my_coke/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yu5jq/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_three_beers/
%
Did you hear about the golden shower club...

Once you're in, urine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yu4sp/did_you_hear_about_the_golden_shower_club/
%
Good news everyone: I'm no longer constipated!

Just kidding, I'm full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yu2am/good_news_everyone_im_no_longer_constipated/
%
Wife asked me what am I doing

Me: Killing Mosquitos
Wife: How many have you killed?
Me: Total 5.  2 Female and 3 Male
Wife: How did you know their gender?
Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yu03s/wife_asked_me_what_am_i_doing/
%
Jesus calls the restaurant to book the table for the Last Supper

"Table for 26, please."
"26? I thought there were only 13 of you."
"Yes, that's right, but we're all going to sit on one side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ytyzl/jesus_calls_the_restaurant_to_book_the_table_for/
%
Why was the dwarfs mining business so successful?

Because his overheads were very low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yttxo/why_was_the_dwarfs_mining_business_so_successful/
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How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ytt83/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nudist_colony/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ytr8d/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
When I was a priest...

...a young lady after her marriage asked me, "Father, what is the churches attitude to Fellatio?"
And so I said "I'd like to tell you, but I don't know what Fellatio is"
...and so she showed me.
And ever since then, whenever anyone has asked me "Father, what is the Churches attitude to Fellatio?"
I reply... "I'd *like* to tell you, but I don't know what Fellatio is"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ytpcg/when_i_was_a_priest/
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A vegan and crossfitter walks into a bar.

I only know this because they started telling everyone within minutes of arriving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ytlw5/a_vegan_and_crossfitter_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I just tried to play the online Eskimo lottery.

But you have to be Inuit to win it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ytljj/i_just_tried_to_play_the_online_eskimo_lottery/
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Waiter: Would you like something with a lot of crispiness in it?

Me: No thanks, Chris.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ytetd/waiter_would_you_like_something_with_a_lot_of/
%
9/11 jokes are terrible!

The other 2 are funny as hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ytcvw/911_jokes_are_terrible/
%
I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yt0qa/i_once_stayed_up_all_night_trying_figure_out/
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If I hit you with a dictionary...

...is it physical or verbal abuse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ysszm/if_i_hit_you_with_a_dictionary/
%
A Mosquito landed on my wife's face...

Easiest decision of my life..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yspqu/a_mosquito_landed_on_my_wifes_face/
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Some actors were planning to make a movie on famous composers

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks were all making a movie about famous composers. Leo said, "I'd like to play Beethoven." Tom said, "I'd like to play Mozart." Arnie said "I'll be Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ysnv4/some_actors_were_planning_to_make_a_movie_on/
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I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I?

Ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ysnru/i_have_6_eyes_3_ears_2_mouths_but_one_tooth_what/
%
Can a joke about dinosaurs make you laugh?

You bet jurassic can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ysm78/can_a_joke_about_dinosaurs_make_you_laugh/
%
I saw an ad for a college class that said "you won't believe what you learn"

Why the fuck would I go then?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ysfij/i_saw_an_ad_for_a_college_class_that_said_you/
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What’s the point to a flat roof

There’s no point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ysf1q/whats_the_point_to_a_flat_roof/
%
I couldn't figure out which lotion to use for my skin condition. I tried asking my doctor...

He just said "I don't wanna make any rash decisions ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ysf0r/i_couldnt_figure_out_which_lotion_to_use_for_my/
%
What do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ysdb3/what_do_you_call_a_russian_tree/
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No way Jose! Another? I can Harvey believe it. Irma find somewhere safer to live.

The local chicken shack changed its name in honor of the occasion. They're now Raisin HurriCanes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yscgl/no_way_jose_another_i_can_harvey_believe_it_irma/
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What the difference between a thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

Taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ysahy/what_the_difference_between_a_thermometer_and_a/
%
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ys4an/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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What is a good measure of how likely a girl is to let you f**k her in the ass?

Rule of thumb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ys361/what_is_a_good_measure_of_how_likely_a_girl_is_to/
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What's the best thing to eat on a cold day?

Chilli!!!
(I know the joke is bad but I came up with it when I was 5)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yruw9/whats_the_best_thing_to_eat_on_a_cold_day/
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What did Kermit say after Jim Henson died?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yrsxl/what_did_kermit_say_after_jim_henson_died/
%
My marriage was a like a hurricane.

At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yroau/my_marriage_was_a_like_a_hurricane/
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I resent the idea that the Irish are all violent drunks.

We’re perfectly capable of violence when sober, thank you very much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yrc9j/i_resent_the_idea_that_the_irish_are_all_violent/
%
Heard this at the laundromat today

This boy with a speech impediment goes treat-or-treating by himself, and decides to dress as a pirate. He knocks on the first door he sees and a grandmother answers the door.
The boy say's, "Brick-or-breat!", and shakes his empty bag at her.
"What? Oh, trick-or-treat!" she replies.
"Yeah, bats what I said lady."
The boy is obviously annoyed. Trying to save face, the lady ask, "Well what are you dressed up as?".
"I'm a birate!"
The boy puffs his chest out, as the grandmother replies,
"A what?"
The boy is angry now, and begins to shake the bag again, exclaiming,
"A birate! I'm a birate lady!"
She says, "Oh, a pirate! Well if you're a pirate, where are your buccaneers?"
He drops the bag and grabs his ears, screaming, "Right here lady! Where are your bucking eyes?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yrbu9/heard_this_at_the_laundromat_today/
%
After 2 hours, the man finally comes out of the bathroom.

His wife walks over and says, "I think you might be constipated."
The man replies, "Yeah no shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yra4j/after_2_hours_the_man_finally_comes_out_of_the/
%
Have you heard of the new movie "Constipation"?

It hasn't come out yet. (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yr8fv/have_you_heard_of_the_new_movie_constipation/
%
What is the difference between an Albanian and a goat?

A goat can actually feed a family.
**What is the similarity between an Albanian and a goat?**
The smell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yr6sg/what_is_the_difference_between_an_albanian_and_a/
%
The sexual position known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to inflation, the cost of eating out has increased.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yr6cv/the_sexual_position_known_as_69_is_now_called_96/
%
I told my wife that I think we have communication issues.

She hung up on me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yr4lt/i_told_my_wife_that_i_think_we_have_communication/
%
What's the difference between a car tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear, one's a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yr4jz/whats_the_difference_between_a_car_tire_and_365/
%
I was watching a french man make a cake...

I admired his enthusiasm. He grabbed the flour, added it to the bowl, and started adding the wet ingredients. Intrigued about his recipe, I asked "hey man, how many eggs did you use for your cake?"
The French man replied, "un oeuf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yqzhe/i_was_watching_a_french_man_make_a_cake/
%
North Korea's state media is very truthful

They accurately portray United States as a country where half of it is burning and half of it is drowning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yqxsl/north_koreas_state_media_is_very_truthful/
%
Under my doctor's advice, I am now healthily smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day.

He told me smoking just 1 pack a day would kill me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yqwg3/under_my_doctors_advice_i_am_now_healthily/
%
What's the difference between E.T. and a refugee?

E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yqv0b/whats_the_difference_between_et_and_a_refugee/
%
What's Voldemort's favourite kind of prostitute?

A whore-crux.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yqsb9/whats_voldemorts_favourite_kind_of_prostitute/
%
What is Donald Trump's Favorite Movie?

Get Out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yqqx5/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_movie/
%
What's Donald Trump's least favorite band?

Foreigner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yqk17/whats_donald_trumps_least_favorite_band/
%
A tiger can jump higher than a three story building.

Tigers have fast twitch muscles in their backs and legs, and buildings cannot jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yqj9u/a_tiger_can_jump_higher_than_a_three_story/
%
Buy yourself a PornHub premium gift card...

And go fuck yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yqfjr/buy_yourself_a_pornhub_premium_gift_card/
%
H.P. Lovecraft walks into a bar...

and the rest of the joke is too funny even to describe, dear reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yqdja/hp_lovecraft_walks_into_a_bar/
%
And this is how men think...

A woman was in a long coma.  A nurse was giving her a sponge bath, when she accidentally made contact with the woman's vagina, which produced a reaction on the heart monitor.
Excited, she went and told one of the Doctors, and he in turn called the woman's husband to tell him to come over as soon as possible.
"What's going on?" The husband asked, as he ran into the facility.
"Well sir, we found out that contact with your wife's privates elicits a response, and I feel that with the right stimulation she could be brought out of her coma."
"What do you suggest?" He asked with some excitement building.
"Well sir, I think some oral sex might be enough to get her back."
So the man agreed to it, and they left the room to give him some privacy with her, when not two minutes later, they here the monitor buzzing with a flat-line alert.  The doctor runs in asking "what happened???"
The man shrugged and replied "I guess she must've choked on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yqbcr/and_this_is_how_men_think/
%
When I found out that girls fart, I was in my 8th grade gym class.

The girl that I had a crush on let one rip while stretching, and I took the blame for it. I decided to ask her out after class that day as well. Needless to say, her parents were called and I lost my job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yq9pa/when_i_found_out_that_girls_fart_i_was_in_my_8th/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*gagging noises*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yq8yq/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Which sexual position produces the ugliest babies?

Ask your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yq80s/which_sexual_position_produces_the_ugliest_babies/
%
How did the mathematian get rid of his constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yq76d/how_did_the_mathematian_get_rid_of_his/
%
Did you hear about the nymphomaniac parrot?

She liked a cock or two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yq55f/did_you_hear_about_the_nymphomaniac_parrot/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch...

He sits down, and after a few drinks someone asks him “what happened to your leg?”
“Aye, a shark,” he says. “He bit it clean off!”
Then someone asks him “what happened to your hand?”
“Aye, a crocodile,” he says. “Bit it clean off!”
Finally, someone asks him “what happened to your eye?”
“Aye, a seagull,” he replies.
“A seagull?” Someone says.
“Yes,” says the pirate. “Pooped in my eye, he did. First day with my hook hand,”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yq4au/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_peg_leg_a_hook/
%
So today my wife was screaming “Give it to me, I’m so wet! give it to me!”

She can scream all she wants but the umbrella is mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yq3jj/so_today_my_wife_was_screaming_give_it_to_me_im/
%
I love pressing F5.

It's so refreshing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yq326/i_love_pressing_f5/
%
I'd like to dedicate this joke to my dad

Who was a roofer. So dad if you're up there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yq0gq/id_like_to_dedicate_this_joke_to_my_dad/
%
Whats the difference between a lima bean and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lima bean on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ypz13/whats_the_difference_between_a_lima_bean_and_a/
%
Too bad they won't allow dogs to graduate highschool.

They're just K-9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ypw06/too_bad_they_wont_allow_dogs_to_graduate/
%
Science/nre joke

What particles in a reactor are the happiest?
Delayed neutrons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ypu71/sciencenre_joke/
%
An Irishman is parking

An Irishman is driving around the parking lot but can't seem to find a spot. Eventually, he looks up to the sky and says, "Lord, if you'll only find me a spot, I'll never drink again." Sure enough, he turns the corner and sees a spot. He looks back up to the sky and says, "Never mind, Lord, I found one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yptlr/an_irishman_is_parking/
%
What's the difference between the lost city of Atlantis and Florida?

About 3 days
In all honesty though, my thoughts and good wishes go out to the people of Florida,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yprgv/whats_the_difference_between_the_lost_city_of/
%
There are two types of people in this world

Schizophrenics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ypq85/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Joel Osteen dies and goes to Heaven.

He looks up at the big pearly gates and immediately recognizes where he is.  He waits for a while but no one comes to greet him.  Beyond the gates, he hears a band performing a concert between deafening cheers of the crowd and other indications of general merriment.  He looks around but cannot find anyone or any way around the gates.
He notices a sign that reads: "This way to Hell - Warning! One Way Only!" and chuckles to himself.  Hours turn into days, days into weeks, weeks into months and years.  Eventually, he gives up and walks toward the sign.  He starts descending down a flight of stairs when suddenly they give way and he falls straight down to Hell.
He dusts himself off, shivering due to the ice cold temperature.  He looks up from where he fell and immediately realizes that there is no way to climb back up.  He is trapped here now for eternity.  He shouts out as loudly as he can if anyone is there and can hear him.  A large, looming blue figure comes out of the icy abyss and greets him.
"Oh my God, it is Lucifer!"  Joel shouts.
"Okay Joel, first of all, God isn't going to do anything for you right now so you can just stop.  Secondly, I am not Lucifer, I am Satan.  If you actually read your Bible you would know the difference."
"Why the hell are you so blue?!  Where is the fire and brimstone?"
"Don't you think I have tried to start a fire up in this bitch?  It is cold here because we are far away from God's love.  I take it you aren't a Duke fan?"
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?  Where is everyone else?"
"They are all in Heaven."
"What? Everyone?  Even Hitler?  Stalin?  Ghengis Khan?"
"Yes, everyone.  Why are you so surprised?  Do you actually think God would give me, the Lord of the Underworld, access to human souls and rule over them?"
"Well, how come I couldn't get into Heaven then?  The gates were closed and no one came to let me in!"
"Well Joel, the gates of Heaven have never been sealed.  You just never asked them to open it.  But hey, I spoke to them on your behalf and they are open now for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ypmr5/joel_osteen_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
Put the punchline in the title

How do you ruin a good joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ypirn/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
%
A WWII joke

A retired British World War II pilot is in an interview on the BBC reminiscing about his days in the air force:
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was escorting some bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, some Fokkers appeared. I had Fokkers coming in on my right and Fokkers coming in on my left." At this point the interviewer interrupts him. "We should point out to those of our listeners that are wondering, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft."
"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fuckers were Messerschmidts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ypgs8/a_wwii_joke/
%
The Assassin

Two men had a tee time, and were about to get started when a man approached them, said he was alone and asked if he could join them. The two men agreed.
Making small talk, the subject of their professions came up. After the first two described their boring desk jobs, the third man said "I'm a killer for hire. I'm one of the best in the business, I charge $10,000 a shot."
The first two men looked incredulous, so the third man reached into his golf bag, and produced a sniper rifle, and watched the mens' jaws drop. "This thing has incredible range, I can aim from miles away."
One of the men asked "Wow, my house is pretty close by, I wonder if I can see it from here." The assassin hands him the gun, and he holds it up in the direction of his house. His lip curls and his face turns red as he witnesses through the scope his wife in their bedroom with his next-door neighbor.
"I can't believe that cheating whore and my double crossing bastard neighbor"
"Well... I am an assassin..."
"Alright, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the dick, since he couldn't keep it in his pants, and I want you shoot my wife in her stupid lying mouth."
The assassin agrees, takes back his gun and lines up the shot. He waits...
and waits...
and waits...
"What the hell is taking you so long!?!? you said you were good at this."
"Give me a second, I'm about to save you $10,000 dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ypcq2/the_assassin/
%
I went to the zoo but they just had a dog.

It was a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ypajz/i_went_to_the_zoo_but_they_just_had_a_dog/
%
A teacher is teaching her class of kindergarteners how to use grown-up expressions.

She points to little Sally and asks, "Sally, what did you do this weekend."
Sally tilted her head and said, "I went on a choo choo!"
"Marvelous, dear," said the teacher, "But next time, try 'I rode on a train.'"
She then turns to little Mark, a kindly, young lad and asks, "And how about you, Mark?"
Mark put a finger to his lips and thought real hard. "I went to the animal place and saw the stripy horsies."
"Simply exquisite," the teacher replied, "But say you saw zebras at the zoo next time, alright dear?"
After Mark nodded, the teacher turned to colorful and spirited Franky. "How about you, Frank?"
The little boy tilted his head after a second and said, "I read a...book!"
"Very good!" The teacher said, glowing with pride. "And what did you read?" She asked, beaming.
Frank thought long and hard for a second, then smiled real big, puffed up his chest and said in a great, big voice:
"Winnie the Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yp895/a_teacher_is_teaching_her_class_of/
%
What is the difference between a lobster with boobs and a dirty bus station?

One is a busty crustation and the other is a crusty bus station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yp7ta/what_is_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with/
%
I just spent 15 seconds looking for my phone

With my flashlight app.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yp5ks/i_just_spent_15_seconds_looking_for_my_phone/
%
Have you read the book by the impatient scientist?

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yp4vz/have_you_read_the_book_by_the_impatient_scientist/
%
Did you hear the one about the German sausage?

It's the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yp2vk/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_german_sausage/
%
Dad finds out that his first daughter is lesbian...

Dad: Oh ok then.
Second daughter: I'm a lesbian too...
Dad: For fuck's sake is there anyone in this family who loves men?
Son: I do...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yovpx/dad_finds_out_that_his_first_daughter_is_lesbian/
%
An old German man goes to a priest for confession

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
“Forgive me father for I have sinned, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, that's not a sin and you have no need to confess that.”
“There is more Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes TWICE on Sundays.”
The priest said, “That was a long,long time ago and doing what you did, placed the two of you in great danger.Two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh, however, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. It's good to know that I haven't done anything unforgivable, I do have one more question though”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yoti3/an_old_german_man_goes_to_a_priest_for_confession/
%
A gay guy goes for a Tattoo for his boyfriends birthday.

“What does he like?” The Tattooist asks,”Boxing,” he replies.
“Why don’t you get Mohammed Ali on your left bum cheek and Mike Tyson on your right?”
“Ok,” he says.He gets home and shows his boyfriend his Tattoos.
“You’re fucking mad,” he says.
“Why?” He asks.
“Because if you think I’m getting in the ring between them two you can fuck right off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6york8/a_gay_guy_goes_for_a_tattoo_for_his_boyfriends/
%
What is reverse veganism?

It's when people only stick objects like carrots, bananas, and other non-animal products, up their asses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yoqdo/what_is_reverse_veganism/
%
Why did the cum cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yop77/why_did_the_cum_cross_the_road/
%
Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yon58/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
A boy frees a genie.

"my first wish is the power to make infinite wishes come true!"
The boy became the genie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yoiim/a_boy_frees_a_genie/
%
Did you hear about the new minting machine that produces coins only if you focus intently on it?

It makes cents if you think about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yoca4/did_you_hear_about_the_new_minting_machine_that/
%
I decided to play a joke on my dad

Every morning for the past month, I put an index card that said "You are what you eat" in every compartment in the fridge, cupboards and pantry. He was starting to get really annoyed with all of it.
This morning, as I tucked into my bread slathered with delicious peanut butter at the table, my dad entered the kitchen, with fury in his eyes.
"If I find one of those stupid cards again, then I'm going to kick your ass!", he said as he reached for the fridge.
I whispered to myself  "I'm toast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yo7o3/i_decided_to_play_a_joke_on_my_dad/
%
I saw Akon...

At akoncert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yo6pr/i_saw_akon/
%
[NSFW] The world record for the longest cumshot is 14 Feet.

"Was it a local dude?"
"No, he came from afar."
Credits to u/Moontoya

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yo6mw/nsfw_the_world_record_for_the_longest_cumshot_is/
%
An Englishman, Irishman, and Scot walk into a bar

They all get a pint and amazingly, at the exact same moment, 3 flies appear, each one landing in one of the pints.
The Englishman curls his lip and pushes the pint away, asking for another.
The Irishman picks out the fly and drinks the beer.
The Scot grabs the fly by the wings and shakes it, howling: "Spit it out ye wee thieving bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yo1o3/an_englishman_irishman_and_scot_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I just found out the contractor that did my electrical work wasn't even licensed.

Needless to say, I was shocked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ynzk9/i_just_found_out_the_contractor_that_did_my/
%
What is Marie Curie’s favorite food?

Fission chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ynxre/what_is_marie_curies_favorite_food/
%
Uh Oh! Look at the forecast!

It's an Irmagency!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ynxpa/uh_oh_look_at_the_forecast/
%
What do you call a basement full of liberals?

A whine cellar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ynv3q/what_do_you_call_a_basement_full_of_liberals/
%
A man walks into a bar...

He sits down and asks the bartender for a drink. As he takes a sip he hears a voice say, "Hey there, you're looking rather handsome today!"
He looks around but can't find the person who made the comment. So he turns to the bartender and asks, "Who said that?"
The bartender said, "The peanuts. They're complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yntpw/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
In America, dogs are k-9s

But in China, dogs are e-10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ynsuh/in_america_dogs_are_k9s/
%
What do you get when you cross a terrorist and a Hawaiian food truck?

Aloha snack bar!
I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ynqye/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_terrorist_and_a/
%
Why can't Dalmatians hide?

Because they're always spotted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ynq9x/why_cant_dalmatians_hide/
%
The Vacuum Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . "
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a spoon, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ynn4o/the_vacuum_salesman/
%
Whats the difference between a moving story and a touching experience?

a priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ynmig/whats_the_difference_between_a_moving_story_and_a/
%
I saw 2 blind men fighting...

And said,"My bet's on the one with the knife."
Then they both ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yniwe/i_saw_2_blind_men_fighting/
%
I made a graph showing my past relationships.

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ynii9/i_made_a_graph_showing_my_past_relationships/
%
Two homeless men were walking in the desert...

...when suddenly a gust of wind reveals a shiny object in the distance. Both of them rushed to said item and as they saw it was a lamp. A genie appears out of the lamp as they were trying to clean the lamp.
"Thank you for releasing me. I shall give 3 wishes to each one of you." The men stared blankly at the genie. " Seeing as you are still in shock of my appearance, I shall give each one of you 3 eggs. When you feel certain about what you wish for, break an egg and your wish shall be granted." The genie dissapears.
The men agree to separate and meet again in the future
Several years pass and they meet each other at random in a local plaza. One was shining in health, riches and women while the other looked exactly the same since the last time they met. "What happened" asked the rich ex-homeless man. "When last we met I used my 3 wishes and look what I got. I wished for excellent health, lots of wealth and women."
"Well after we separated I put the eggs in my bag cause I didn't believe that it was a real genie. As night came along I was hungry and I wanted to eat. As I took the egg out, it falls from my hand, it breaks and I yell 'balls' in anger. An infinite amount of testicles appeared out of the blue and surrounded me like an avalanche. In the chaos I find another egg, break it and wished for all the balls to disappear."
The rich man points out that it's two wishes, what happened to the third? "I will tell you. When I wished for my second wish, my balls also disappeared..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yngk2/two_homeless_men_were_walking_in_the_desert/
%
A clown held the door open for me the other day.

It was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ynfsq/a_clown_held_the_door_open_for_me_the_other_day/
%
A doctor wanted to write a prescription

So he reached in his pocket and pulled out a thermometer. "Shit," he said, "some asshole has my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ynf13/a_doctor_wanted_to_write_a_prescription/
%
What's a trees favorite drink?

Root beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ynddl/whats_a_trees_favorite_drink/
%
A family walks into a hotel...

The father goes to the front desk and says, "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies, "It's just regular porn your sick fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yncr8/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
I bought a new plow horse the other day, but it turned out to be a bad investment.

The damn thing kicked me when I tried to plow it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ynb2n/i_bought_a_new_plow_horse_the_other_day_but_it/
%
Where's the worst place to get screwed by 8 inches?

Probably one of the southern states, they really aren't prepared for that much snow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yn9h2/wheres_the_worst_place_to_get_screwed_by_8_inches/
%
In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators

Because we’re raised differently.
(Moose Allain)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yn73z/in_the_uk_we_call_them_lifts_but_in_the_us_they/
%
I got fired from PC World today.

A guy came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors.
“Probably a shovel” was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yn3le/i_got_fired_from_pc_world_today/
%
How many old people does it take to change a light bulb?

None...they don't like change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yn2u9/how_many_old_people_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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2 Italians at a bus stop

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ...
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymziw/2_italians_at_a_bus_stop/
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I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, “Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?”.

I said, “Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymymq/i_was_watching_a_film_with_my_little_boy_earlier/
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What does Zeus call his testicles?

Thunderballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymyl1/what_does_zeus_call_his_testicles/
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Did you hear about the disappearing breakfast?

One minute it was there. The next, scone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymwro/did_you_hear_about_the_disappearing_breakfast/
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What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymux4/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
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I was in a bar last night when a waitress screamed...

"Does anyone know CPR?"
"I know all the letters of the alphabet" I shouted back.
Everyone laughed.........well except this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymu1f/i_was_in_a_bar_last_night_when_a_waitress_screamed/
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What do you call a bee that lives in America?

a USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymrkr/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_lives_in_america/
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My wife told me that she wanted to fuck me for a change.

I was really excited until I got the letter from her divorce attorney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymn3a/my_wife_told_me_that_she_wanted_to_fuck_me_for_a/
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A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute...

... "For $200, I'll perform any act for you," she tells him, "provided that you can describe the act in three words." The man thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman $200. "OK, tell me what you want me to do, but remember, only in three words," she tells him. The man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says, "Paint my house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymmpf/a_man_is_walking_down_the_street_when_he_is/
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If Trump continues his anti climate change campaign and the provocation towards North Korea the only wall we will be building will be...

Wall-E

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymmph/if_trump_continues_his_anti_climate_change/
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Friends are like snowflakes

If you pee on them they will disappear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymm10/friends_are_like_snowflakes/
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I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by.

People hate it, but I’m a fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymky5/i_like_to_stand_in_the_corner_at_parties_and_blow/
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An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.
The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."
So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink.  The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.
"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"
"I want two more of these, then!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymjzu/an_irish_man_frees_a_genie/
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Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning. A bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn't stung.

I was too quick with the spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymjq5/please_pray_for_my_motherinlaw_she_was_taken_to/
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Oxygen, helium, sulphur, sodium and phosphorus walk in to a bar...

OH SNaP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymh83/oxygen_helium_sulphur_sodium_and_phosphorus_walk/
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Chicken Joke

Why did the chicken cross the road and roll in the mud and cross again?
He was a dirty double crosser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ymd67/chicken_joke/
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If two soldiers give each other handjobs...

Is it a Tug of War?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ym3np/if_two_soldiers_give_each_other_handjobs/
%
How do you stop a food truck?

The Lunch brake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ym3ah/how_do_you_stop_a_food_truck/
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Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?

There was no chemistry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ym2tb/why_did_the_physics_teacher_break_up_with_the/
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I went to a wedding in Glasgow..

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ym0du/i_went_to_a_wedding_in_glasgow/
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Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time.

They have enough on their plate already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yly4e/guys_come_on_we_shouldnt_give_fat_people_such_a/
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Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced

"The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door."
"Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?"
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yly1t/sherlock_holmes_turned_to_dr_watson_and_announced/
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There was a russian man named Rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB

One evening Rudolph and his wife, were walking along, and it began to snow.
"My, my, look at the lovely snow," said his wife.
"No, that is not snow, that is rain!" replied Rudolph.
"No, no, no, this is snow," she said.
"Look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him."
Rudolph went to the palace guard and said, "is it raining or snowing?"
The gaurd was no dummy, so he said "what do YOU think it is doing, rudolph?"
Rudolph replied, "raining."
The gaurd said "yes comrade, I was going to say raining, also!"
So Rudolph and his wife went walking off. The guard could just barely hear the KGB official say: "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ylxqp/there_was_a_russian_man_named_rudolph_a_high/
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A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining…

… and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" He asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.
As she was very attractive, he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ylxm6/a_man_who_lived_in_a_block_of_apartments_thought/
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A knight comes to the royal castle with a bag and asks for king's attention

He enters, and says "Your Majesty, I kept my word. Here's the head of the dragon!" and takes the head of the dragon out of the bag.
A royal advisor brings a bag to the king. The king replies "Well, then, I kept my word too. Here's the hand of the princess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ylusg/a_knight_comes_to_the_royal_castle_with_a_bag_and/
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life is like a box of chocolates....

it is destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ylp3x/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
"Hey man, I haven't seen you since college!"

"Hey man, I haven't seen you since college! How are you?"
"I'm doing well, I got that philosophy degree."
"Congratulations."
"Thanks. Hey, do you want fries with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ylnh8/hey_man_i_havent_seen_you_since_college/
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[Long] A man lives near the edge of a forest with his wife.

The wife is a very kind woman. Every now and then she would find an injured animal in her backyard, and she would waste no time bringing it into their home and taking care of it until it recovers. The man doesn't mind the animals, just as long as they don't bother him.
However, during the winter, the wife brings in more and more animals into the house. One day it was a deer that was freezing and hungry. Another day a squirrel that got buried in the snow. The pattern continues for much of the season. The woman had gotten so busy that the man, who was being neglected by his wife, was starting to lose his patience. Yet he doesn't point it out since he figured that it would start calming down when spring comes around.
One cold morning, the wife finds a bird shivering in the birdbath. She immediately takes it inside, but with all the other animals taking up space she had to put it on her husband's chair that was placed near the fireplace.
When the man sees the bird on his favorite relaxation spot, his patience finally reaches its limit.
"That's it!" he snaps. "I've had it with these beasts invading my house and hogging *your* attention! How about showing *me* some care for a change?"
"Honey, please," the wife begs. "Not in front of the chilled wren."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ylkn9/long_a_man_lives_near_the_edge_of_a_forest_with/
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I met a girl with a twelve nipples.

Sounds funny.
Dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ylis9/i_met_a_girl_with_a_twelve_nipples/
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Parallel lines have so much in common

It's a shame they will never meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ylgx2/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
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The year is 2024 and the new POTUS has been elected.

The newly sworn-in president is sitting at the desk in the oval office tending to some paperwork. The doors open and in walk a few secret service agents.
"Excuse us Mr. President, but we were looking over some of the documents about your background and noticed that your physical health and performance records are outdated. We ask that you come with us to perform some tests."
The president agrees, gets up out of his chair and follows the group of agents to a private and secluded athletics field.
"This won't take long Mr. President, simple tests. First off, we need you to do as many push-ups as you can without stopping." and so the president gets down, takes a deep breath and does a strong 62 push-ups.
"Good job sir, next we need you to hold these weights out in front of you and do as many squats as you can without stopping"
The president gets in his best stance and begins squatting. He does a burly 45 squats before giving out.
"Impressive sir, just one more test. We need you to run a mile around this track as fast as you can."
The president tightens the laces on his shoes, adjusts his headband and takes a quick drink of water, then gets on the starting line. The agents count him off and he takes off running. Several minutes later he passes through the finish line sweating and breathing hard.
"Very good sir, that's one of the most impressive mile lap times I've ever seen."
The president says "Am I the best?'
The agent takes a second to flip through some papers on his clipboard before going "Ehh.. not quite. You're second best overall with a time of 10 minutes and 32 seconds."
The president says "What? Who did better than me?"
"Well, Bush did 9:11."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ylges/the_year_is_2024_and_the_new_potus_has_been/
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Why did the one armed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ylfj4/why_did_the_one_armed_man_cross_the_road/
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What's black and white and red all over?

A penguin that just fell down the stairs.
What's black and white and laughing?
...the penguin that pushed him
*not original, heard it years ago from a friend still my fav*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ylfch/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
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I guess Mother Nature watches a lot of Oprah.

Because it looks like everybody gets a hurricane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ylf6w/i_guess_mother_nature_watches_a_lot_of_oprah/
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A lawyer is pulled over by a cop.

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.
The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."
The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?"
The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?"
Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ylblk/a_lawyer_is_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
%
Me talking to a friend

Friend : Has anyone ever told they love you?
Me : Does family count?
Friend : Of course!
Me : Then no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yla0b/me_talking_to_a_friend/
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Tell me something I don't know.

My wife, Father and mother in-law, and myself are at dinner. The restaurant is packed. I say, "Service sure is slow tonight."
Father In Law, "Tell me something I *don't* know." followed by a smirk. Feigning a smile, I ignore the comment.
A little later into dinner my wife and I are talking about some car trouble we were having this past week. I say, "Ford should really figure out their electrical." Father in law chimes in uninvited, "Tell me something I *don't* know!"
"Ok, 'dad'. Funny.", I think to myself. I again ignore the comment. My mother in law looks least amused. Probably because he's been saying this line for the past 35 years.
Finally over dessert, my father in law is inquiring about my job. I respond to him, "There's not much room for promotion unfortunately. Not in my department at least."
Super smug he replies, "Well dammit Jim, tell me something I *don't* know!!"
I yell out, "Your daughter shaves her pussy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yl883/tell_me_something_i_dont_know/
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Yo mama's so fat

when she sat on a memory foam it forgot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yl86c/yo_mamas_so_fat/
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[NSFW] I think I'm becoming allergic to bananas...

because my asshole is itching more than usual
Credit to my friend who does stand-up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yl63r/nsfw_i_think_im_becoming_allergic_to_bananas/
%
Two hillbillies are fucking a sheep caught in a fence

First hillbilly goes to town and finishes. Tells the second hillbilly it's his turn. Second hillbilly puts his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yl5tf/two_hillbillies_are_fucking_a_sheep_caught_in_a/
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After 10yrs of marriage is finding out that your spouse sucked 500+ dicks before getting hitched a big deal?

Because I think my wife is just overreacting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yl57m/after_10yrs_of_marriage_is_finding_out_that_your/
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A monastery opens a flower shop [long]

Outside a large town, a monastery was running out of money. The monks conferred, and decided the best way to alleviate their financial woes would be to use their considerable gardening skills to sell flowers. They used what was left in the coffers to buy a small shop, and opened a store.
After prayers and meditations, the monks used all their time to grow the best flowers the town had ever seen. Within a few weeks, they became the most popular flower shop in town, and the rest of the industry were pissed. They simply couldn't compete.
The other businesses asked the monks politely to tone it down a bit, but the monks refused; they just needed the money too much. The locals begged and pleaded, but still the monks refused. In desperation, the business owners decided to get drastic. They asked around for a bruiser to run them out of town, and found Hugh. Hugh was the biggest, baddest, most ruthless thug in town. If he couldn't get rid of these monks, no one could.
Hugh walked into the monks store. No one really knows what happened in there, but a few hours later the monks packed up and never sold another flower in that town.
It's true what they say: only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yl4rt/a_monastery_opens_a_flower_shop_long/
%
A tax collector went to audit the local synagogue

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.  But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these matza purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of matzas."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yl27v/a_tax_collector_went_to_audit_the_local_synagogue/
%
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ykx5f/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_after_they_die/
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What do you call a prostitute who's lying down?

Whorezontal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yksfn/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_whos_lying_down/
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When is it bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ykobe/when_is_it_bedtime_at_the_neverland_ranch/
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My boss keeps complaining about me calling him Dick even though it's short for Richard

Something about his name being Steve I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yklj1/my_boss_keeps_complaining_about_me_calling_him/
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Just when you thought it was over after Irma...

No way Jose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ykke3/just_when_you_thought_it_was_over_after_irma/
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Why do Canadian couples like to do it doggie style?

So they can both watch the hockey game!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ykhh9/why_do_canadian_couples_like_to_do_it_doggie_style/
%
A woman comes home, sliding her car into the driveway, and runs into the house.

She slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’
Her husband says, 'Oh my God! That’s amazing! Should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she says. 'Just get out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ykf7j/a_woman_comes_home_sliding_her_car_into_the/
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Why are rental cars so depressed all the time?

Because they're loners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yk5qk/why_are_rental_cars_so_depressed_all_the_time/
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Women are like swimming pools..

Their maintenance costs are too high considering the time you spend inside them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yk2g7/women_are_like_swimming_pools/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest accomplishes something when triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yjz11/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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A kid was born without eyelids.

Don't worry the doctor assured the father.
When we circumcise him we will use the skin to make him new eyelids. After the procedure the father is with the doctor. Well what do you think of the procedure? asks the doctor. I don't know? Does he look a little cockeyed to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yjyzg/a_kid_was_born_without_eyelids/
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Difference in Grandparents

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.
Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yjy94/difference_in_grandparents/
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yjswf/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
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Forget everything you learned in college...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yjrn3/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college/
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What do you call two robots that share a motherboard?

Brobots.
My wife made it up. When I told her it doesn't make sense, she said that doesn't matter.
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yjprv/what_do_you_call_two_robots_that_share_a/
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What did the bartender say to the villiage drunk?

I can't remember, I was totally wasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yjp4y/what_did_the_bartender_say_to_the_villiage_drunk/
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What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.
The vendor does and says "That'll be $5.50" and the Lama hands him a $10. After a moment, the Lama is still standing there with his hand out, and asks "Where's my change?" To which the hot dog vendor says, "Change comes from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yjogl/what_did_the_dalai_lama_say_to_the_hot_dog_vendor/
%
I love to fuck my girlfriend almost everywhere, but not when we go camping...

It's two fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yjo06/i_love_to_fuck_my_girlfriend_almost_everywhere/
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What do Mexicans use to cut pizza?

Little Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yjmuh/what_do_mexicans_use_to_cut_pizza/
%
What do you call a singing computer?

A dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yjefo/what_do_you_call_a_singing_computer/
%
My dad is a magician

he could turn alcohol into child abuse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yjdbr/my_dad_is_a_magician/
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If you get a boner at a funeral...

Is that Mourning Wood?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yjbpg/if_you_get_a_boner_at_a_funeral/
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I have a friend who says that he hates all comforters.

I told him that he shouldn't make blanket statements like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yj594/i_have_a_friend_who_says_that_he_hates_all/
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I asked the engineer, "What's 2+2?"

He replied, "4 ... No, 5 just to be safe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yj546/i_asked_the_engineer_whats_22/
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Two men both drag their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1968."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yj1ul/two_men_both_drag_their_right_foot_as_they_walk/
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Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end, you ignore it all and click “I agree”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yj1kq/arguing_with_a_woman_is_like_reading_a_software/
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'What do we want?'

A cure for Alzheimer's
When do we want it?
What????

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yivze/what_do_we_want/
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I suggested to my wife that she should buy a taser so that she could stop men trying to force her to have sex with them.

I was shocked when she actually took my advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yit5b/i_suggested_to_my_wife_that_she_should_buy_a/
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Masturbating with superglue

It's hard to pull off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yiszp/masturbating_with_superglue/
%
Four engineers get into a car.. The car won't start

The Mechanical engineer says: "It's a broken starter".
The Electrical engineer says: "Dead battery".
The Chemical engineer says: "Impurities in the gasoline".
The IT engineer says: "Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yiswu/four_engineers_get_into_a_car_the_car_wont_start/
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What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?

Chicken-caesa-salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yirvv/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_looking_at_a_lettuce/
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Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women?

When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yimhk/why_are_hurricanes_sometimes_named_after_women/
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A tourist came too close to the edge of the Grand Canyon

, lost his footing and
plunged over the side, clawing and scratching to save himself. After he went out of sight and just before he fell into space, he encountered a scrubby bush which he desperately grabbed with both hands. Filled with terror, he called out toward heaven, "Is there anyone up there?"
A calm, powerful voice came out of the sky, "Yes, there is."
The tourist pleaded, "Can you help me? Can you help me?"
The calm voice replied, "Yes, I can. What is your problem?"
"I fell over the cliff and am dangling in space holding to a bush that is about to let go. Please help me."
"The voice from above said, "I’ll try. Do you believe?"
"Yes, yes, I believe."
"Do you have faith?"
"Yes, yes. I have strong faith."
The calm voice said, "Well, in that case, simply let loose of the bush and everything will turn out fine."
There was a tense pause, then the tourist yelled, "Is there anyone else up there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yim3h/a_tourist_came_too_close_to_the_edge_of_the_grand/
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I used to hate tractors, but I did a complete 180

Now I'm protractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yii5n/i_used_to_hate_tractors_but_i_did_a_complete_180/
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I put my phone on airplane mode.

Now it won't stop calling me Shirley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yihh0/i_put_my_phone_on_airplane_mode/
%
How do you know Jesus Christ was Irish?

He was an unemployed 33 year old carpenter who still lived with his parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yihfe/how_do_you_know_jesus_christ_was_irish/
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What's black and sits at the the top of a staircase ?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yih33/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_the_top_of_a_staircase/
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I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis. [NSFW]

Just to let her know I was thinking of her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yih1g/i_sent_my_wife_a_picture_of_my_flaccid_penis_nsfw/
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I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs.

It's not a very good poem, but it's quite deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yifll/i_dig_you_dig_he_digs_she_digs/
%
How do you make an egg roll?

Push it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yifen/how_do_you_make_an_egg_roll/
%
My doctor gave me some cream that was supposed to help me write jokes

But it wasn't topical

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yibat/my_doctor_gave_me_some_cream_that_was_supposed_to/
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What happens when you have unprotected phone sex?

You get hearing AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yi5rg/what_happens_when_you_have_unprotected_phone_sex/
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What do you call a midget psychic on the run from the law?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yi2dk/what_do_you_call_a_midget_psychic_on_the_run_from/
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A man goes to the zoo and the only animal in there is a dog...

...It was a Shih Tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yi0uo/a_man_goes_to_the_zoo_and_the_only_animal_in/
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What do you call a ghost's injury?

A boo-boo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yi0cm/what_do_you_call_a_ghosts_injury/
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When I told my friends about my Lamborghini, they laughed and said it was imaginary.

Jokes on them, 'cause they're imaginary, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhznl/when_i_told_my_friends_about_my_lamborghini_they/
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Can I think of any red wine puns?

You bet Shiraz I can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhw3i/can_i_think_of_any_red_wine_puns/
%
"How did you get that job?" my friend asked me. "The same way Mary gave birth to Jesus." "A miracle?" He replied...

"No, sex I shouldn't be talking about"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhval/how_did_you_get_that_job_my_friend_asked_me_the/
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If the Red Man lives in the red house, the Blue Man in the blue house, the Yellow Man in the yellow house, where does the Orange Man live?

The White House

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhupa/if_the_red_man_lives_in_the_red_house_the_blue/
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Why is 10 scared?

Because it's in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhu3s/why_is_10_scared/
%
I took my grandma to a new spa..

I took my grandmother to a new spa where they have little fish eat away at your dead skin for only $40.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhoz2/i_took_my_grandma_to_a_new_spa/
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What's a better term for the average Joe?

ReguLarry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yho45/whats_a_better_term_for_the_average_joe/
%
My wife and I recently adopted 2 children from china and I came home today to find them trying to cook my poodle.

Immediately I repeated what I said this morning.
"No kids! I said WALK the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhnrs/my_wife_and_i_recently_adopted_2_children_from/
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Subway is a lot like prostitution.

You're paying someone else to do your wife's job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhm5r/subway_is_a_lot_like_prostitution/
%
Why are Hurricanes normally named after females?

Because they arrive wet and wild then leave with your house and car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhlxj/why_are_hurricanes_normally_named_after_females/
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I have an epi pen

My friend gave it to me just before he died.  It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhkfd/i_have_an_epi_pen/
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My grand-dad died in 9/11

He was the best pilot in Saudi-Arabia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhjnh/my_granddad_died_in_911/
%
What do hookers and tattoo artists have in common?

The minimum is $60, unless you're willing to risk catching a disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhj4z/what_do_hookers_and_tattoo_artists_have_in_common/
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Cannibals

Disclaimer* I didn't make this up, not sure if it's been here before. If so, my apologies...
3 men out fishing get caught in a storm, and wash up on a desert island, where they're captured by a tribe of cannibals. The chief says "if you want a chance to live, go into the jungle and bring back ten of any fruit".
The men do as they're told, and meet back an hour later. The chief says " now, we're going to shove whatever fruits you bought up your ass, if you make no noise or facial expression you shall live, if not... We kill you."
The first man steps forward with ten grapes. They all go up his ass and he makes no noise. He is allowed to leave with his life.
The second man steps forward with plums. They get to 8 plums, and the man bursts out laughing. He is killed.
St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and asks "you only had 2 plums left to go and you'd have lived, why did you laugh?"
"Well", replies the man, "I saw the third guy come back with an armful of pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhj4a/cannibals/
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Why does the vampire always get picked last for the team?

Because he sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhfsp/why_does_the_vampire_always_get_picked_last_for/
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Do you know why Indian bakeries are open 24/7?

Because they bake naan stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhfbc/do_you_know_why_indian_bakeries_are_open_247/
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Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my wife for me, could you?” asks the man. “I can”, replies Arti, “And you know, I promised my Master, who taught me the noble art of assassination, that I would do my one hundredth kill for a fee of just one pound, and give the client two further kills for free”. “Great”, says the man”could you kill my wife, her sister and my mother in law”. “OK”, replies Arti. “Get them to go to Tesco’s tomorrow at 10.00am”. “Right”, says the man. The following day the man’s wife, her sister and his mother-in-law are tricked by the man to go to Tesco’s. In walks Arti and in no time at all he strangles the wife, her sister and mother-in-law. All the newspapers lead with the same headline the following day – Arti chokes three for a pound at Tesco’s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhefr/two_men_are_in_a_pub/
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhe5m/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_twenty_years/
%
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery...

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yhdim/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
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What do you call your uncle's hot wife?

Aunty.
Sorry, it's an aunty-joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yh97g/what_do_you_call_your_uncles_hot_wife/
%
I heard about a tourist that visited a religious site once.

He climbed all those steps and wanted to ring the bell at the end, but the poor guy had no arms, having lost them in an industrial accident year previous.
But being no stranger to overcoming adversity, the tourist insisted on ringing the bell anyway, so the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. The first two times were fine, but on the third attempt, he tripped, stumbled and fell to his death to the rocks below.
When being interviewed for the accident, the police asked the monks “Do you know this guy?”
The monk responded, “No, but his face rings a bell.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yh575/i_heard_about_a_tourist_that_visited_a_religious/
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What's the worst kind of riddle?

Being riddled with bullets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yh4gk/whats_the_worst_kind_of_riddle/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yh2aw/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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A WWII Veteran on his deathbed...

turns to his son.
Father: "I think it's time I finally told you of how I escaped as a POW from the Germans".
Son: "I'm listening father"
Father: "It was the greatest plan ever concocted".
Son: "What was the plan called?"
Father: "It started off as a simple lie to one of the guards, then a latter lie built upon the former, until the plan had become an avalanche of lies".
Son: "Yes, but what was the plan called?"
Father: "The lie became so large that eventually the guard could not tell what was truth, or what was false, and to tell you the truth, neither could we".
Son: "YES, BUT WHAT WAS THE PLAN CALLED?!"
Father: "Oh,...right, well the plan was called the 'Fib a Nazi Sequence'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygyad/a_wwii_veteran_on_his_deathbed/
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What do you call the president when he is not wearing underwear?

The commando in chief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygxvc/what_do_you_call_the_president_when_he_is_not/
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How do we now Adam and Eve weren't black?

Not even God could take a rib from a black man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygwo3/how_do_we_now_adam_and_eve_werent_black/
%
My deaf girlfriend has a stutter, so I asked her to talk dirty to me.

Best handjob I've ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygufr/my_deaf_girlfriend_has_a_stutter_so_i_asked_her/
%
Did you hear about the guy who was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his rectum?

He's alright now, his condition is stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygtaw/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_was_hospitalized/
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Why can't a t-rex clap?

Because it's extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygt8l/why_cant_a_trex_clap/
%
My jokes are like my dick

Everyone laughs at my jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygs5n/my_jokes_are_like_my_dick/
%
What do you call a group of zombies in a funeral parlour?

Repeat customers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygrk0/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_zombies_in_a_funeral/
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What's brown and sticky?

My poster of Beyonce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygm32/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
A blind Bambi walks into a bar.

Barman asks "And what the hell are you ?"
"No eye deer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygls7/a_blind_bambi_walks_into_a_bar/
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My ex is like the Mona Lisa It’s not that she is pretty or anything,

but I would be overjoyed if I came home to find her hanging in the living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yglp2/my_ex_is_like_the_mona_lisa_its_not_that_she_is/
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After taking a long needed break, Goldilocks decided it was time for some more breaking and entering.

She found an unlocked, unoccupied house and let herself in.
She first found an iPhone 4. "This phone is too small," she said. Then she found an iPhone 6 plus, but that phone was too big. Then she found an iPhone 6, and Goldilocks said, "doesn't anyone here own a fucking Android?"
The end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yglf1/after_taking_a_long_needed_break_goldilocks/
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A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of his office...

... ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the drivers side. The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialled 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. Him BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the panel beater did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" Asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygk64/a_very_successful_lawyer_parked_his_brand_new_bmw/
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Dr Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding.

The policeman asks him, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?". "No, ", replies Dr. Heisenberg, "but I know where I am!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygglg/dr_heisenberg_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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What do you call a hippy's wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygej5/what_do_you_call_a_hippys_wife/
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It's a waste of time asking me about my sexuality...

You'd never get a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygei5/its_a_waste_of_time_asking_me_about_my_sexuality/
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3 Men Fishing *long*

*I learned this joke from my dad over 10 years ago, not sure where he learned it but it's one of 2 in my repertoire.
3 men, an Irishman, an Italian, and a polish man, work together on a fishing boat. It's a small company, they fish every day and their families dress the fish they catch.
On one particularly slow day about 5 years in, they're settling into lunch.
The Irishman opens his lunch box and with an angry grunt pulls out a shepards pie.
"Shepherds pie! Again! 5 years, every god damn day she makes me shepherds pie! I swear if I get shepherds pie tomorrow, I'm jumping overboard."
The Italian, moved by his friends speech, pulls out of his bag a container of lasagna.
"Madonna mia! Lasagna again!" He says. "My friend, if I have lasagna again tomorrow, I will join you!"
The polish man reaches in and pulls out his lunch.
"Ah! Pierogis again! I'm so sick of pierogis! I will join you both tomorrow if I have pierogis!"
The next day, the Irishman reaches in and pulls out a shepherds pie. He writes his wife that the same lunch everyday has driven him mad, and jumps overboard and disappears.
The Italian reaches in, pulls out lasagna, and signs his name with the Irishman, then he too jumps overboard.
The polish man pulls out pierogis, signs the form, and jumps overboard.
A week later, the three widows are at the funeral, all crying.
The irish widow laments "if he had only told me, I would have made him something different!"
The Italian widow cries out "I would have made his risotto, anything else!"
The polish woman is crying, but she says "there's nothing I could have done! He made his own lunch!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygdzw/3_men_fishing_long/
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My brother has just set fire to one of my Mr Men books.

No more Mr Nice Guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygdc5/my_brother_has_just_set_fire_to_one_of_my_mr_men/
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My friend asked me if I'd go on a date with his vegetarian friend.

"I dunno", I replied "never met herbivore"
^^^^^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ygbls/my_friend_asked_me_if_id_go_on_a_date_with_his/
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If a zoo had a half man half horse...

Do you think it would be the centaur of attention?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yg4qo/if_a_zoo_had_a_half_man_half_horse/
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Why isn't Bruno Mars named Bruno Snickers?

Because he doesn't have the nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yg1g5/why_isnt_bruno_mars_named_bruno_snickers/
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What do you get when you cross alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yfxqs/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_alcohol_and/
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A Miscommunication

*Note: this is based off of a riddle I made up for my friends once, let's see how well it translates*
A Japanese businessman was waiting on an important call from a new associate in America. He was quite nervous, as he had never dealt with an American before, and honestly didn't know much about the country and it's culture. The phone started to ring and the businessman quickly answered it, being pleased to find out that his new American partner was at least semi-fluent in Japanese.
His anxiety dissipating, the businessman started to exchange pleasantries with the American, eventually asking him what part of the country he was from.
As the American answered, the Japanese businessman began to frown, confused. It had sounded as if the American had just started the conversation over again by replying with a greeting. "Yes, hello," he responded in Japanese, "but where are you from?"
The American answered him again in the same way, and the Japanese businessman became more frustrated. His anxiety starting to flare up again, he tried once more, his voice shaking, "Yes, hello, but where are you from?"
The final response was the same as the previous two, and the Japanese businessman slammed the phone down, his anxiety at the possibility of further miscommunication overwhelming him. He quickly paged his secretary to set up an email correspondence with the American instead.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////
In an office building in Cleveland, a confused businessman turned to his assistant, saying "I don't know what the problem was, I was just trying to tell him I was from Ohio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yfxjp/a_miscommunication/
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What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA?

Thrown out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yfu8w/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_human_dna_and_goat/
%
Why couldn't the toilet paper Cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yftgv/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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Two Jewish men are walking down the street.

They notice a sign outside a church that reads, "$200 to covert to Christianity."
One of them asks, "Well, you want to give it a shot?"
"Nah", the other responds.
"I'm not really religious anyway; I'll take their money" says the first.
An hour goes by and he comes walks back out and sees his friend waiting by the doors. "Did you go through with it?" the friend asks.
"Yup."
"So? Did you get the money?" asks the friend.
"Is that really all you people think about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yfszj/two_jewish_men_are_walking_down_the_street/
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They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin Islands

They're about to get fucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yfqnj/theyre_going_to_have_to_change_the_name_of_the_us/
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A Japanese doctor opens a clinic

A Japanese Doctor, can't find a job in a hospital in the US so he decided to open his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $50 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No.666 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $50."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no.666 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $50."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $50, not $100!!"
Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $50"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yfnn3/a_japanese_doctor_opens_a_clinic/
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A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated....

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims to the whole table, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know, why don't you play your age?"
He walks away, but moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 36, and when 47 came up she just fainted!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yfma7/a_lady_is_having_a_bad_day_at_the_roulette_tables/
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A gay deer walks into a bar

And he blows 50 bucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yfl0k/a_gay_deer_walks_into_a_bar/
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How to fill 12 holes with another hole?

Stick a flute in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yfhyr/how_to_fill_12_holes_with_another_hole/
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An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,
"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."
"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.
The Communist then turns to another friend.
"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."
"No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven" says Petya.
"Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day."
"Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace" says Misha.
"Thank you so much guys for being with me throughout all these years" says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon."
His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, gathers his last strength and says.
"And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass."
Just as his friends were about to say something, the old communist took his last breath and died.
So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting:
"Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yfd9a/an_old_russian_communist_is_on_his_deathbed/
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My first post here

A 34 year-old man had undergone plastic sugery to make himself look like a 20 year old. He wanted to test and see if other people could guess his correct age. He went to a nearby shop and asked the shop keeper to guess what age he was.
The shop keeper replied, "About 20 years old".
The man was overjoyed that the surgery had made him look young and walked off happily.
He went to McDonald's to get lunch afterwards and feeling confident, he asked the worker at the counter to guess what age he was.
The worker replied, "About 20 years old".
The man smiled happily. The worker asked if the answer was correct.
The man replied, "I'm actually 34 years-old".
The worker was amazed as he did not look a day over 21. The man went to a bus stop afterwards to board the bus and go home. He saw an old lady waiting for the bus. He decided to test it out on her. He asked her to guess what age he was.
The old lady said, "I know an old technique to guess people's age. If you let me caresse your balls for 5 minutes I will be able to guess your age".
The man was confused but seeing as there was no one else at the bus stop he let her do it.
After 5 minutes the old lady pulls her hand out of the man's trousers and says, "You are 34 years-old".
Amazed the man asked how did she know.
The old lady replied, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yfcfd/my_first_post_here/
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Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo trophy.

Urgh, how low can you get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yf620/someone_broke_into_my_house_last_night_and_stole/
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My granddad was a wise man...

...he told me that you can't find happiness all by yourself. To live a truly happy life you need to be in a fulfilling relationship. You need to find a wife that loves you unconditionally, a wife that challenges you on a daily basis, a wife that you always want to make love to and most importantly you must make sure that they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yf1tn/my_granddad_was_a_wise_man/
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A guy is out looking for a hooker for the night...

...one of them offers him a 69. He'd never heard of this sex act before, so he decides to hire this lady and try it out.
They got to his house, got undressed and started the foreplay. They then got into the 69 position and began pleasuring each other, unfortunately the hooker got too excited and farted right in his face.
Disgusted, the man got up and started getting dressed and said "Christ, if you think I'm going to put up with another 68 of them you must be mad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yf1c7/a_guy_is_out_looking_for_a_hooker_for_the_night/
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What do you call a fly with no wings ?

A walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yf120/what_do_you_call_a_fly_with_no_wings/
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The dating scene at Hogwarts must really suck.

Since every girl there has a magic wand, they don't really need the boys at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yf0o8/the_dating_scene_at_hogwarts_must_really_suck/
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Ever since I got Pornhub Premium local women in my area haven't been interested in me.

Help what do I do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yeqri/ever_since_i_got_pornhub_premium_local_women_in/
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I've lost 7lbs this week.

Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yeqnt/ive_lost_7lbs_this_week/
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This joke is like premature childbirth.

Really bad delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yelqh/this_joke_is_like_premature_childbirth/
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A Man Gets A Construction Job

On a remote base deep in the forest.
The foreman walks him around and shows him the equipment.
After the tour the man asks his manager, "So hey boss...seeing as this is a long-term remote position...what do you guys do...you know for pleasure."
"Say no more. We're all mature men here. Follow me."
The foreman takes him to a large tree at the far corner of the base. "See that hole in the tree? Stick yer dick in it."
So the man does as he's told and experiences magic like he had never felt before. Weeks go by and everyday after work he goes back to the magic tree and receives an amazing pleasure.
However, one day he went to the tree and nothing happened. Shocked and disappointed, the man confronted his boss. "Sir when I went to the tree this evening I was very sad to discover that the magic has run out."
"Hmm...that's strange," says the foreman as he's scanning down his clipboard.
"Oh. Bingo. Yeah I found the problem. It's your turn in the tree."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yeh90/a_man_gets_a_construction_job/
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I like to write lyrics in my spare time.

This led to me finding out my cousin was dyslexic when I messaged him asking if he would rate a rap and he responded by sexually molesting a rodent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yeekx/i_like_to_write_lyrics_in_my_spare_time/
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yedau/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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My girlfriend said to treat her like a princess

So I forced her into a marriage with a man she'd never met so that I could make an alliance with Poland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ye9pg/my_girlfriend_said_to_treat_her_like_a_princess/
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Tropical Storm Jose will not make it into the US.

Donald Trump won't allow it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ye958/tropical_storm_jose_will_not_make_it_into_the_us/
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What happens when you hang yourself at school?

you get suspended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ye92b/what_happens_when_you_hang_yourself_at_school/
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A spanish magician announces he's going to disappear at the count of three...

So he goes "UNO!... DOS!..."
And then he vanishes without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ye68g/a_spanish_magician_announces_hes_going_to/
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The Irish Math test

*disclaimer, i didn't invent this joke and i'm not sure who did but i hope you enjoy it...
An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman.
"Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ye3kw/the_irish_math_test/
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In the distant land of Punsar two thieves were stealing

The thieves happened to be twins, named Manny and Manny. They belonged to the clan of Long Anconvo, a Chinese clan of thieves known for their dexterousness and efficiency. One day, the head of the clan sent the two thieves to Punsar, a land known for its wealth in gold and jewelry.
The thieves arrived at the border of the land, only to be met with guards sent by the nation. After being captured and tried in a court, the two men were sentenced to 50 years in prison. The king's wise adviser recommended that they were moved to a maximum security prison.
However, being masterful thieves of the Long Anconvo lineage, they quickly figured out a way to navigate the underground tunnels in the prison to the emperor's treasury.
Quickly gathering whatever they could fit in their pants, they bolted from the treasure room and headed back to their headquarters.
After realizing that he had been robbed, the emperor of Punsar summoned his adviser and ordered the adviser executed for having recommended a terrible idea.
The adviser sulked towards the execution cell, only to be met with the executioner, a burly man with arms the size of tree trunks. The man looked upon the adviser and asked, "Why are you being executed?".
Slowly, the adviser looked up and said with a droll tone.
Two Manny Long Anconvo Looted Punsar here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ye1v3/in_the_distant_land_of_punsar_two_thieves_were/
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I remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket...

"Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ye1uc/i_remember_the_last_words_my_grandpa_said_before/
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Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...

Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ydsco/astronauts_release_a_photo_of_hurricane_harvey/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

Cigarette, because you take it for a drag every morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ydpcs/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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What does a slutty Mexican horse eat?

Whore hay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ydkru/what_does_a_slutty_mexican_horse_eat/
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What did my prom date say when she got to the ball?

*gh-Where-Gh-is-Ghagh-the-gh-second-gh-ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ydkit/what_did_my_prom_date_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew?

One goes home from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ydiep/whats_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a_jew/
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My Brother The Cripple.

My oldest brother was born with little use of his legs resulting in him using crutches.  For his whole life we went through vigorous treatments and therapy. When he was about 14 we moved to a new town. The local kids made fun him daily calling him names and just being overall assholes.  He was so fed up he was willing to try anything. There was a church down the road with a beautiful sculpture of Jesus inside. One Sunday morning we went to the church in hopes of a miracle. The pastor called up anyone who was looking to be healed. My brother walked down the isle. The pastor laid his hand on him and began to pray. My brother, overwhelmed with the Holy Spirit, looked at the statue and began to cry. He begged Jesus for the use of his legs. In the moment the congregation fell silent as my brother dropped one crutch. Everyone started applauding and screaming, "Hallelujah!" The next moment my brother dropped his other crutch. Then he fell down because he's crippled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ydi6r/my_brother_the_cripple/
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I really like having a roof over my head.

I guess you could say I'm a ceiling fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ydfaw/i_really_like_having_a_roof_over_my_head/
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Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ydcz9/johnny_where_in_the_heck_do_you_get_seven_from/
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I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted 10 of them hoping at least one would reach the front page

No pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ydbcg/i_heard_reddit_likes_puns_so_i_posted_10_of_them/
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A Bee on a Fly

(Disclaimer) this is a repost from something I saw a long time ago, so if someone could get a source that’d be very cool
A bee is riding on the back of a fly. The fly turns around, and asks, “hey, are you a bee?”
In which the bee replies, “I might bee.”
The fly then says,”dude, that’s the worst pun I have ever heard.”
The bee responds,”I know man, I made it up on the fly.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yd5yn/a_bee_on_a_fly/
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How not to convert a bear

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yd1tz/how_not_to_convert_a_bear/
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I really like paper...

...unless it's perforated, then it's tearable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yd06i/i_really_like_paper/
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RIP boiled water...

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yczfd/rip_boiled_water/
%
Jose looked at a bottle of soy sauce

He said, "Yes you are"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycyie/jose_looked_at_a_bottle_of_soy_sauce/
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A busload of lawyers was hijacked by terrorists...

... They're threatening to release one per hour until their demands are met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycy0i/a_busload_of_lawyers_was_hijacked_by_terrorists/
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What is Forrest Gump's wifi password?

1Forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycw87/what_is_forrest_gumps_wifi_password/
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What's the difference between Florida and Atlantis?

About 5 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycuzq/whats_the_difference_between_florida_and_atlantis/
%
[NSFW] If a redneck girl says that she loves you like a brother...

...is there still a good chance of getting laid?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycrac/nsfw_if_a_redneck_girl_says_that_she_loves_you/
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With all these natural disasters happening,

Its almost as if the USA was built over thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycpue/with_all_these_natural_disasters_happening/
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What do you call a dog who can do magic?

A labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycor4/what_do_you_call_a_dog_who_can_do_magic/
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A Mexican magician said he was going to do a magic trick.

"Uno, dos..." *poof* he disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycmkq/a_mexican_magician_said_he_was_going_to_do_a/
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What can you jump over that’s a hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycgh5/what_can_you_jump_over_thats_a_hundred_feet_in/
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A man walks up to a bar...

... and the bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looking for a tie; only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycdo2/a_man_walks_up_to_a_bar/
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If a crack forms in your backyard.

Is it your fault?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycdh3/if_a_crack_forms_in_your_backyard/
%
A guy walks into a bar.....

A guy walks into a bar carrying a canvas bag. He says to the bartender "I'm gonna show you something so fabulous that you'll want to buy me drinks all night." With that, he jumps up on the bar, pulls his zipper down and starts gyrating with his dick swinging around. Everyone in the bar gasps as he reaches into his canvas bag, takes out a six-inch snapping turtle and lets it snap right onto his dick. Now he's swinging his dick around with the snapping turtle attached. After a minute, he pokes the snapping turtle in the eye and it falls off. He turns to the bartender and says "Do I get my free drinks?" The bartender says "You sure do." He puts his dick back in his pants and says to everyone in the bar "I'll buy you drinks for the whole night if you have the balls to do what I just did." In the back of the bar a hand goes up and in a meek voice, a guy says "I'll do it but you don't have to poke me in the eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycbq6/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Apple joke.. I heard this 10 or so years ago and has to be my favourite ..

A man walks into a bar, holding an apple. He orders a pint and the barman says " you can't bring apples into the bar. You have to buy food here. The man replies. "This ain't no ordinary apple mate, have a bite...
So the barman takes a bite of the apple and says " fuck me, It tastes of oranges" the man says yes and tells the the barman to turn it around a little bit and take another bite... The barman takes another bite. "No way it tastes of bananas.... In amazement the barman says  "can you make it taste of pussy... the man replies. "Give me a week, I'll see what I can do!
A week later the man returns and orders a pint holding an apple. The Barman says "is that it.. have you done it" The man says "yes" he passes the apple and says "take a bite" The barman takes a bite and then spits the apple across the bar.. "shouting fuck sake it tastes of shit".. the man says "yeah turn it around a little bit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycbkn/apple_joke_i_heard_this_10_or_so_years_ago_and/
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what is a Will

it's a dead give away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycb1v/what_is_a_will/
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A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream.

He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream.”﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ycae1/a_penguin_is_driving_when_he_sees_a_check_engine/
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The wife

I'm in trouble with my wife. We were lying in bed naked and she says to me " What would you like to do most with my body?"
Apparently " identify it" wasn't the answer she was expecting..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yc930/the_wife/
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Romance is in the air!

A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear..."could you take the dog for a walk?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yc8c7/romance_is_in_the_air/
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I'm writing an erotic novel featuring tea and pastries.

I'm calling it "Romancing the Scone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yc58x/im_writing_an_erotic_novel_featuring_tea_and/
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"Remember son, everyone has doubts about something. Only an idiot is completely sure about everything.

"Are you sure dad?"
"Absolutely."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yc3t4/remember_son_everyone_has_doubts_about_something/
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My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning

I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yc24n/my_marriage_counselor_asked_if_it_was_true_that_i/
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What does a king call his robe?

His reign jacket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ybybc/what_does_a_king_call_his_robe/
%
What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite Egyptian god?

IT'S FUCKING RAAAAAAA!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ybtk3/whats_gordon_ramsays_favorite_egyptian_god/
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Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

Fingered a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ybspm/why_did_the_guitar_teacher_get_arrested/
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I was walking into my berdoom

Tish...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ybqyn/i_was_walking_into_my_berdoom/
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What is the official snack food of the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots?

Cheat-o's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ybqpy/what_is_the_official_snack_food_of_the_boston_red/
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Being able to will yourself to an orgasm would be a pretty useful skill.

Come to think of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ybqk5/being_able_to_will_yourself_to_an_orgasm_would_be/
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What do rednecks and aristocrats have in common?

Both groups like marrying their cousins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ybmxm/what_do_rednecks_and_aristocrats_have_in_common/
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A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"

"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk.  "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"
"No, it's not that.  It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."
"That's strange.  Farmer Brown had the same problem with his cows a few years ago."
"You don't happen to remember what he did about it, do you? I'm desperate here" the farmer asked.
"I do in fact" the clerk responded, "he mixed 4.5 ounces of turpentine into every gallon of water he gave them."
"Thanks.  I'll give it a try."
Five days later, the farmer comes storming back into the feed store shouting, "I did what you said and my cows are all dead!"
"Now that is strange" the clerk replies"
"And why exactly is that strange?" the farmer demanded to know.
"Because the exact same thing happened with Farmer Brown's cattle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ybm25/a_dairy_farmer_walks_in_to_his_feed_store_and/
%
TO THE ADMIN OF THIS GROUP

CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE CONTROL OVER WHO YOU LET IN. THERE IS A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SHE SENDS NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING A SAMSUNG GALAXY S8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.
I AM ESPECIALLY UPSET BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, THE PHONE WASN'T EVEN A GALAXY S8... IT WAS A GALAXY S5 AND IT OBVIOUSLY HAS A VIRUS BECAUSE IT'S REALLY SLOW. IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH... THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON STICKS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ybh0q/to_the_admin_of_this_group/
%
I asked the chef at a fancy restaurant how he prepared his chickens.

He said "Nothing fancy. I just tell them they're going to die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ybfvg/i_asked_the_chef_at_a_fancy_restaurant_how_he/
%
A man walks into a bar...

He orders 10 shots, then 9, then 8, then 7 and so on and he thinks to himself: "Fucking weird. The less I drink the drunker I get."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ybfnh/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
When constructing the Black Gate...

Minion: "Is this too big? Do we need less door?"
Sauron: "No, Mordor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ybcuu/when_constructing_the_black_gate/
%
I need to rehome a dog.

It's a small terrier. Tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ybbrc/i_need_to_rehome_a_dog/
%
A company sends a salesman to a middle-eastern country to boost soda sales.

He attempts a visual advertisement campaign.
All around the country, he places billboards with tree pictures, one next to the other: the picture on the left shows a poor man lost in the desert and very thirsty; the middle picture shows the same man drinking the company's drink; the picture on the right shows yet again the same man, this time happy, satisfied and smiling.
After two months of campaign, soda sales are lower than ever. The salesman is fired, falls into severe depression and goes to a psychiatrist.
"I just can't understand where I went wrong. Years of study at university, decades of experience, millions of dollars of budget..."
The psychiatrist replies "Don't you know in arabic they write right-to-left?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yb8xd/a_company_sends_a_salesman_to_a_middleeastern/
%
We were watching the Megan Fox Ninja Turtle movie with my son.

And my wife says, "There seems to be a lot of girls hanging from things in this."
I replied, "It's the classic damsel in distress storytelling." Then I whispered, "Plus girls never let go of shit."
We both laughed and she gave me permission to share it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yb8cb/we_were_watching_the_megan_fox_ninja_turtle_movie/
%
Why is Venus named after the Roman goddess of beauty?

Because it's the hottest planet in our solar system

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yb2c1/why_is_venus_named_after_the_roman_goddess_of/
%
What did the rising sun say to the morning dew?

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yazem/what_did_the_rising_sun_say_to_the_morning_dew/
%
I wrote a book about my favourite place to store wine.

It was a bestcellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yaop2/i_wrote_a_book_about_my_favourite_place_to_store/
%
The dying preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yanir/the_dying_preacher/
%
I left two Justin Beiber tickets in my car and

some bastard broke in and left two more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yammq/i_left_two_justin_beiber_tickets_in_my_car_and/
%
A terrorist had two cases at home...

he stuffed one of them with explosives and headed to the metro. Once inside a wagon he waited until the doors were closed and shouted "Infidels!! now you will die!". Fortunately, that was not the case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yajmc/a_terrorist_had_two_cases_at_home/
%
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They don't. They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yahjc/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
It can be really hard to swallow your pride

But sometimes a lion is just that hungry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yabm2/it_can_be_really_hard_to_swallow_your_pride/
%
Back in my day, you could walk into a convenience store with a nickel and get three licorice sticks and some soda.

Now?  CCTVs everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6yaa5i/back_in_my_day_you_could_walk_into_a_convenience/
%
Someone has most likely made this dad joke before but I'm still proud/ashamed to have come up with it myself.

Man 1: Did you hear about my neighbor who jumped off a cliff?
Man 2: Yeah, it's really unfortunate, he seemed like such a down to earth guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ya6ao/someone_has_most_likely_made_this_dad_joke_before/
%
As a child I was told there's a monster under my bed.

As an adult I went to see a therapist.
"Doc I got issues, man I know it's ridiculous but I think there's a monster under my bed"
"Well young man, you have come to right place give me three months and you'll be right as new"
"What will it cost me doc?"
"Well we will have two session every week for 3 months, and every session will be 50 dollar"
"Phew that's a lot doc, I gotta sleep on that"
"Sure, whatever makes you comfortable"
Six months later I ran into that therapist again and he goes.
"Oh you never came back, how's your ailment"
"Oh it's fine, my japanese friend helped me out for free"
"Oh really what did he do?"
"Well he cut off bed's legs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ya5lm/as_a_child_i_was_told_theres_a_monster_under_my/
%
I'm so glad I stumbled across that optometrist's webpage...

...it was a site for sore eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ya04c/im_so_glad_i_stumbled_across_that_optometrists/
%
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.

She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y9sg2/my_wife_found_out_i_was_cheating_after_she_found/
%
What's the difference between Middle Earth and New York City?

Two Towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y9s80/whats_the_difference_between_middle_earth_and_new/
%
Whats the difference between gender and autism

Autism is on a spectrum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y9r2f/whats_the_difference_between_gender_and_autism/
%
A man is pulling a line of string along a sidewalk

A woman asks him as he walks near, "Excuse me, why are you pulling that string along?"
The man replies, "Have you ever tried to push a string?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y9ooq/a_man_is_pulling_a_line_of_string_along_a_sidewalk/
%
What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Mega-sore-ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y9n6u/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
"Welcome to Cheapskates Anonymous, would anybody like to start?"

"I'd like to say that I'm not a cheapskate. I'm just here for the free coffee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y9meh/welcome_to_cheapskates_anonymous_would_anybody/
%
Two archers are sipping pints in a pub.

The first archer says, "Did you see the new leathersmith? He's a beast of a man with eyes as black as night."
To which the second archer replies, "Aye, he makes me quiver".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y9akw/two_archers_are_sipping_pints_in_a_pub/
%
A friend of mine opened a brothel ...

he said his prices are 50 for a jerk off, 100 for a blowjob and 150 for anal. I asked him what the price for regular sex was but he said "I don't have any employees yet".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y99ox/a_friend_of_mine_opened_a_brothel/
%
A man with a nervous facial twitch is auditioning for a part in a play

Every few seconds his cheek spasms and one eye squints.
The director of the play says "How do you expect me to give you a part if you keep doing that?"
The man replies "I actually have a medication for it, please wait one moment while I take it." He reaches into his right pocket and pulls out a pack of condoms.
"Oops that's not it."
He reaches into his left pocket and pulls out another pack of condoms. He finally pulls a third pack of condoms from his back pocket before the director stops him and asks why he has so many condoms.
The man replies "Because every time I go into the pharmacy, the pharmacist thinks I'm winking when I tell him what I need."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y98q0/a_man_with_a_nervous_facial_twitch_is_auditioning/
%
My wife is very insistent on spooning in bed?

But forking is apparently off the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y960a/my_wife_is_very_insistent_on_spooning_in_bed/
%
Why did the partially blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y8x99/why_did_the_partially_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
%
The furniture store keeps calling me back.

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y8w7e/the_furniture_store_keeps_calling_me_back/
%
How can you tell if a house is built by lesbians?

There are no studs, it's all tongue & groove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y8vmi/how_can_you_tell_if_a_house_is_built_by_lesbians/
%
A sink is knocking at your door

Just let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y8ud5/a_sink_is_knocking_at_your_door/
%
Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y8rj2/deaf_sex/
%
A guy picks up a female hitchiker...

And when they're on the road, he jokingly asks "Lady, how do you know I'm not some kind of psychotic serial killer?".
"I dunno, but I guess the odds are pretty low that you're one too.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y8qw7/a_guy_picks_up_a_female_hitchiker/
%
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y8qgg/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
[Slinky] When should you wash a stinky slinky?

During spring cleaning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y8n90/slinky_when_should_you_wash_a_stinky_slinky/
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Naughty Nuns

4 Nuns travelling in a car get into an accident and die.
They each arrive at the pearly gates where they are greeted by Saint Peter.
He tells them all that they've lived a good life and are welcome in but only if they honestly answer his question.
"Have you ever touched a penis since you became a Nun"? he asked the first one.
She thought hard and confessed "Yes.... just once, with this finger"
"Very Well, wash that finger in this bowl of holy water and you may enter".
He asked the second Nun "Have you ever touched a penis since you became a Nun"?
She thought and said "Yes... with this hand".
"Very well, wash your hand in the bowl and then you may enter".
He looks to the third Nun and says "Have you ever tou....."
Just then, the fourth Nun pushes passed the third and says "HEY, if you think I'm going to gargle that after she sticks her ass in it, you're fucking crazy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y8k1t/naughty_nuns/
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If I had to use one word to describe myself, it would be

Bad at following instructions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y8hue/if_i_had_to_use_one_word_to_describe_myself_it/
%
Which calendar era did Michael Jackson most like to sing about?

A)BC
B)AD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y8gg6/which_calendar_era_did_michael_jackson_most_like/
%
There are only 10 genders.

It's the gender binary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y8emi/there_are_only_10_genders/
%
A man accidentally swallows a coin

He is then admitted to the hospital, when his friend comes to check on him he asks the nurse on any updates.
The nurse says: "No change yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y8cq1/a_man_accidentally_swallows_a_coin/
%
Man goes to doctor.

Says he's depressed.
Life seems harsh and cruel.
Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple.
The great clown Pagliacci is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears.
"But doctor", he says. "I *am* Pagliacci."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y89wk/man_goes_to_doctor/
%
Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y896r/why_are_married_women_heavier_than_single_women/
%
I just got laid at a party.

I love family reunions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y895g/i_just_got_laid_at_a_party/
%
Hurricanes Are Like Women

When they come they're wet and wild, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y87z8/hurricanes_are_like_women/
%
The temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight...

... is always just a whim away a whim away a whim away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y87i5/the_temptation_to_sing_the_lion_sleeps_tonight/
%
An elderly couple were getting forgetful to they went to the doctor

The doctor suggested they start writing things down as the notes to themselves would improve their memory. That night, after dinner, the husband asked:
"Let's have some ice cream dear. What flavor would you like?"
"I'll have strawberry. You better write that down like the doctor said so you don't forget"
"Nonsense! I can remember one thing. Strawberry ice cream. Do you want whipped cream?"
"Sure! But write that down so you don't forget."
"Fiddlesticks! I can remember two things. Strawberry ice cream and whipped cream. Do you want nuts?"
"You know I like nuts on my ice cream. But you better wri-"
"Poppycock! I'm not that senile. I can remember three things-strawberry ice cream, whipped cream and nuts."
A few minutes later he returned from the kitchen with a plate of bacon and eggs. His wife looked at him and said:
"I told you to write it down you old fool. You forgot the toast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y87c5/an_elderly_couple_were_getting_forgetful_to_they/
%
You know why Superman would be the best candidate for a management position?

Supervision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y83mb/you_know_why_superman_would_be_the_best_candidate/
%
Somebody stole my Car

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you lad?"
"Yesss, Sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key"
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see.
He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOH GOD...they got me girlfriend too!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y82e5/somebody_stole_my_car/
%
Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y81nc/still_my_favorite_joke_i_ever_made_up/
%
My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess.

So I put her into the back of my Mercedes and drove it into a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y808a/my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_to_be_treated_like/
%
Little Eddy has really upset the girls at school.

After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out in protest.
Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?"
The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know".
The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain."
Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building.
The class remains quiet.
The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that?
Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish.
At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out.
Eddy looks around and says:
Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are not hiring yet, still waiting for final permit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y7y2l/little_eddy_has_really_upset_the_girls_at_school/
%
A saw a woman walking towards a door so I opened it for her to be nice...

Instead of walking through the door like most people would do in this situation, she and everyone else on the plane just started screaming.
Rude as hell if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y7xru/a_saw_a_woman_walking_towards_a_door_so_i_opened/
%
After making love, my wife looked at me disgusted and slapped me across the face

Shocked, I said "What the hell was that for?!"
She said, "That's for 40 years of bad sex!"
I slapped her, and she said,"What was that for?"
"That's for knowing the difference!"
As relayed to a coworker of mine when asking an older coworker for wedding advice upon the occasion of his upcoming wedding this week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y7srb/after_making_love_my_wife_looked_at_me_disgusted/
%
I watched a documentary about stroke survivors last night.

It was a bit one sided.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y7o4l/i_watched_a_documentary_about_stroke_survivors/
%
What did the son reply when his mother asked if he needed a drive to his yoga class?

"Nah, ma, stay"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y7ms3/what_did_the_son_reply_when_his_mother_asked_if/
%
When I die

I want my last words to be, " I left a million dollars under the..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y7jly/when_i_die/
%
What if you died you got stats

Something like:
Hours on the internet: 46284.  |
Burpees done: 1.25. |
Hours spent crying in a shower: 6627

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y7j29/what_if_you_died_you_got_stats/
%
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump..

.. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, Die, heretic! And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y7iq8/once_i_saw_this_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
%
When I donate blood

Me: "When I donate blood I do not need to extract it myself. A nurse does it for me."
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y7de5/when_i_donate_blood/
%
A Penis Has A Sad life...

His hair is a mess,his family is nuts, his closest neighbour is a asshole,his best friend is a pussy &a his owner beats him viciously

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y765p/a_penis_has_a_sad_life/
%
I'm 60 days clean.

It's been hard showering for 60 days,  but thankfully heroin has helped me through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y75xi/im_60_days_clean/
%
Why can't a broke man do acrobatics?

His balance is terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y73ms/why_cant_a_broke_man_do_acrobatics/
%
An old man is about to die.

While he is laying in his bed waiting to die,  he said to his sons ( a  rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.
One week later the old man dies.
At his funeral the  musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the  same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y73jb/an_old_man_is_about_to_die/
%
I read an article about how smoking is bad for your health and I decided...

That's it.
I'm no longer reading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y6z15/i_read_an_article_about_how_smoking_is_bad_for/
%
2 antennas met on a roof.

They fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was incredible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y6vim/2_antennas_met_on_a_roof/
%
I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y6pnr/i_just_realized_that_never_is_a_contraction_of/
%
Overheard in a hospital..

Nurse: 'Sir, I've had word from the proctology department that they're just about done with your shit. You need to drop by in a week so they can give you the results'
Patient: 'A week!? Are they taking the piss?'
Nurse: 'No sir, that would be urology. They should be calling you tomorrow with your results'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y6kpf/overheard_in_a_hospital/
%
I drive my car like I play cricket

I hit and run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y6gx8/i_drive_my_car_like_i_play_cricket/
%
I almost witnessed a murder

Luckily, only one crow showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y6ei4/i_almost_witnessed_a_murder/
%
I met a girl from El Salvador. I told her she was El salvAdorable...

But she said she's heard that a Brazilian times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y6edq/i_met_a_girl_from_el_salvador_i_told_her_she_was/
%
Why is it that there's no pharmacies in Africa?

Because you shouldn't take medicine on an empty stomach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y6e7y/why_is_it_that_theres_no_pharmacies_in_africa/
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What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe?

Mitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y66mw/what_did_one_cell_say_to_his_sister_cell_when_she/
%
A man walks into a bar, at night

He walks in and is seated next to the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life. All he can think about is how he has to marry her. He strikes a conversation with her and they hit it off. They leave the bar and as they're walking out she gives him her number, her name was Lela.
They had fallen in love, they tried to see each other almost every day; to the point where they decided to buy a house together. They moved in to a beautiful house, three bedrooms and two bathrooms, right along the coastline shore.
One night the man took Lela out to dinner one night, on a steamboat cruise through the night. It was there that he finally proposed to her, and they got married a month later at a church hill.
Nine months later they had their first child, and decided to name him Luigi. Luigi was their everything, they just knew that as long as they kept him on the right track everything would turn out for the better.
Though unfortunately only two months after, Luigi was stabbed by an american psycho. The police apprehended the murderer, and later told the couple that they've been hunting this man for 15 years, and that his nickname was the "Baby Stabber". Though that didn't help that their only son, Luigi, had died.
The man was sad, but knew that his wife was only feeling worse. She loved Luigi, and just wanted to see a great future with him in their lives. So the man decided to take a break from his job as a robotic engineer and make the unthinkable. He built a robotic version of their dead son, Luigi. It took him three months, but he developed a robotic baby, that would be able to grow up to the age of five, after that he'd have to develop a new body for their child. The robot had the exact brain of their deceased baby, Luigi. Though something bothered the man that possibly it wasn't finished, though he knew his wife wasn't feeling emotionally stable and needed a fix now.
So he rushed home and presented the robotic baby Lela. As a result she was horrified, she screamed saying "that can't replace what's already gone! It's not right!" They walked out of the room, and the husband calmed her down. He told her, "that it's not the original, but we both still wanna see a future with our son don't we?" She decided that they would keep the robot child and see how it would turn out.
Though the robotic baby didn't take kindly to the woman's little burst, in fact it felt angered. The robotic baby quickly went into a terminator state, it's arms became shotguns(which looked kinda weird on a tiny robot baby btw). It began to hover in the air, and it shot Lela without any signs of remorse. She collapsed and fell to the floor bleeding out to death. It stared at the man and yelled in an ominous deep voice,
"WHY DID YOU CREATE ME? I'M A MONSTER!"
It shot the man once in the leg, crippling him. The man replied, "I created you because we loved you and couldn't miss a day without you!"
The baby was confused, "Love?"
*The baby pointed it's shotgun at the man*
"What is love?"
"Baby don't hurt me, no more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y63tf/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_at_night/
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What did the inventor of the shovel say about it?

"This is Groundbreaking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y60uy/what_did_the_inventor_of_the_shovel_say_about_it/
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My Indian GF said I could give her a facial...

I nearly came on the spot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y5zrm/my_indian_gf_said_i_could_give_her_a_facial/
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Mob of Pot Smokers Overthrowing Government:

"This is a high coup!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y5v26/mob_of_pot_smokers_overthrowing_government/
%
If four people are having sex, it's a foursome. If three people are having sex, it's threesome.

Finally I understand why people call me Handsome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y5tef/if_four_people_are_having_sex_its_a_foursome_if/
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You know, camping gear for sea mammals is really versatile.

It works for all in tents and porpoises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y5t5q/you_know_camping_gear_for_sea_mammals_is_really/
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My husband is a pussy and wont decide what kind of fruit tree to plant in our front yard.

I told him to grow a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y5r3e/my_husband_is_a_pussy_and_wont_decide_what_kind/
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How much soda does Kim Jung Un drink in a day?

A Supreme Liter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y5pte/how_much_soda_does_kim_jung_un_drink_in_a_day/
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Why do people in wheelchairs lose things a lot?

Because they can't retrace their steps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y5ms7/why_do_people_in_wheelchairs_lose_things_a_lot/
%
Today I kicked a breastfeeding mom out of my restaurant

Not because other customers thought she was indecent, but because we have a no outside food or drinks policy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y5mon/today_i_kicked_a_breastfeeding_mom_out_of_my/
%
My friend and I were in the car the other day and I said I smelled weed. He said 'It's just a skunk'

Can you believe it? He thought a skunk was smoking weed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y5mnu/my_friend_and_i_were_in_the_car_the_other_day_and/
%
Two prostitues stand on a corner

The first one says
"tonight is going to be a great night, I can smell the cock in the air!"
The second one turns to her and says
"Sorry I just burped"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y5m03/two_prostitues_stand_on_a_corner/
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I used to believe that it was always i before e except after c

But science proved me wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y5lwj/i_used_to_believe_that_it_was_always_i_before_e/
%
Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays. Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing.

And that's just to get the remote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y5k0m/watching_tv_is_a_nightmare_nowadays_violence/
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Fellas, how do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits into your wife's clothes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y5i0k/fellas_how_do_you_know_if_your_girlfriend_is/
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Why did the apple salesman fire his delivery boy?

He was driving him bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y5dws/why_did_the_apple_salesman_fire_his_delivery_boy/
%
How do you find a blind guy at a nude beach?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y59j3/how_do_you_find_a_blind_guy_at_a_nude_beach/
%
Quasimodo wanted to go on a date with Esmeralda

So he put an ad in the paper to find somebody to ring the bell. A man responded to the ad. He was a man without arms, so Quasimodo politely asked how he would ring the bells. The man said "let me show you", so they went up to the bell tower to give it a try.
The man got a running start, jumped up, wrapped his legs around the bell and smashed it with his face.
It was the most beautiful the bell had ever sounded, so Quasi asked him for another go! Unfortunately, the second time, the man knocked himself out and fell down the tower.
When the police came, they said "Quasimodo do you know this man?"
He said "I don't know him but his face rings a bell"!
(Part 2)
So, Quasi still really wanted to go on this date with Esmeralda so he put another ad in the paper. Not long afterward, the doorbell rang. To Quasis surprise, the man looked exactly like the last! It turns out, the two men were twins, and he rang the bell just the same way that the first one did.
Quasimodo needed to have a test ring so up the tower they went. This man knocked himself out on the first try, fell down the bell tower, and died.
When the police came and asked Quasimodo if he knew the man, he replied "don't know him, but he's a dead ringer for his brother".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y4yiw/quasimodo_wanted_to_go_on_a_date_with_esmeralda/
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I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift,

But I couldn’t find a manual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y4vng/i_wanted_to_learn_how_to_drive_a_stick_shift/
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What do you call a drunk women?

An uber so she can get home safe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y4trj/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_women/
%
I get angry when my cellphone battery dies

My therapist suggested that I find an outlet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y4rog/i_get_angry_when_my_cellphone_battery_dies/
%
What do you call a Filipino contortionist?

A manila folder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y4pa0/what_do_you_call_a_filipino_contortionist/
%
My friend hates his job at the art museum.

He only does it for the Monet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y4nl3/my_friend_hates_his_job_at_the_art_museum/
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A man answered an ad that read "Hiring welders $18-$24 per hour"

When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test. He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess. When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".
[Source (Not OP, I don't think)](https://www.facebook.com/groups/102013163272946/permalink/927644860709768/)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y4ks7/a_man_answered_an_ad_that_read_hiring_welders/
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I lost 70 pounds last month

I got mugged in London

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y4kq9/i_lost_70_pounds_last_month/
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Yes, I'm a tentative person...

But why do you ask?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y4kh8/yes_im_a_tentative_person/
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One I've never heard outside family reunions.

Three men are in a fiery car crash and all are killed instantly. They go to heaven. At the pearly gates they are met by St. Peter. "There's my favorite dead guys," he says. "Look, there's only one rule here. Don't step on a duck." The gates open to reveal every inch apparently covered in ducks.
"What the hell," one of the men asks. "We don't use that language here," responds Peter. "Look, if you step on a duck, you're punished. God has a thing for ducks."
"Well what happens if we do?"
"Well, you're chained to the most unattractive person we can find up here. Forever. Yeah. God really likes his ducks."
The men stare out at the sea of undulating ducks in fear. They can see a few people wandering around cautiously. The first man, always the cocky of the trio, decides to go first. "This won't be a problem. If those ducks know what's good for them they'll get out of the way."
The man takes one step and immediately steps on a duck. The duck lets out a mighty un-echoing quack and without a moments notice, two angels appear on either side of him, attach heavy shackles to his arms and legs, and fly him away deeper into Heaven.
The second man say's "Oh he stepped? What an idiot!" The man begins to shuffle-walk his way through the duck sea and before long trips and falls on at least a dozen ducks. The quacks don't resonate, instead calling angels to drag the man away in shackles.
The third man, always the smarter of the trio, watches for a while. He looks around and see's people being flown left and right. Clearly this is tough. But why did his friend fall? He takes a close look and realizes the ducks are walking like they're on uneven ground. "That must be why my friend tripped," he reasons. "I'll just take baby steps to avoid the same mistake."
He shuffle-steps his way through the gates and immediately see's two angels fly a beautiful woman directly to him and chain the pair together. "I don't know what I did to deserve this," exclaims the man. "I do," says the woman sadly.
"I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y4izz/one_ive_never_heard_outside_family_reunions/
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We need to break up...

...your busy schedule with some well deserved snuggle time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y4iwg/we_need_to_break_up/
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Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y4hwx/girl_come_over/
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Why is it so important that we keep Earth clean?

Because it's not Uranus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y4g84/why_is_it_so_important_that_we_keep_earth_clean/
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Why couldn't Medusa pass a drug test?

Because she was a stoner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y48h9/why_couldnt_medusa_pass_a_drug_test/
%
Camping...

...is intense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y47sp/camping/
%
20 men walk into a bar

Worst game of limbo I've ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y41qg/20_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Did you know that when leaves fall off of trees in the Autumn, it's because of nostalgia?

They're trying to get back to their roots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y3zkx/did_you_know_that_when_leaves_fall_off_of_trees/
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Did you hear about the pilot that got sick?

He was diagnosed with a terminal illness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y3x86/did_you_hear_about_the_pilot_that_got_sick/
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I hired a plumber to install on-demand water heaters in my house

It was a tankless job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y3w84/i_hired_a_plumber_to_install_ondemand_water/
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My friend told me that If he wasn’t mixing cocktails, he’d be a criminal.

Either way, he’s behind bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y3tej/my_friend_told_me_that_if_he_wasnt_mixing/
%
Steve Irwin died how he lived.

With animals in his heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y3svp/steve_irwin_died_how_he_lived/
%
What did the hippie on your couch say when you asked him to leave?

Namaste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y3sbi/what_did_the_hippie_on_your_couch_say_when_you/
%
A new bar owner couldn't think of what to name his bar...

He decides to hold a contest. Whoever comes up with the best name for his bar gets free beer for life.
One fella says "What about Jack's Place?" The bartender doesn't like it. Another guy says "How about Lucy's Place?" The bartender says it's better, but still not right.
Another guy comes in and says "What about Lucy's Legs?"
"YES!!! That's it! We'll name it Lucy's Legs. Sir, you feel free to stop in any time you want a beer on the house."
Well, it turns out this guy is a bit of an alcoholic, so when he wakes up the next morning, he decides to head right over to the bar he named. Of course, he gets there around 8am and it doesn't open for two hours. Undeterred, he sits on the curb and decides to wait.
Only half an hour goes by before a cop stops and says, "Sir, there's no loitering here."
"I'm not loitering, officer. I'm just waiting for Lucy's Legs to open so I can get a free drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y3qs5/a_new_bar_owner_couldnt_think_of_what_to_name_his/
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Babies

Q: How do you get a baby into a cup?
A: You blend it.
Q: How do you get a baby out of the cup?
A: With a straw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y3nwz/babies/
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This may sound unbelievable, but I can tie a rope for you by eating it.

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y3ipg/this_may_sound_unbelievable_but_i_can_tie_a_rope/
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This morning I found a fly on my toilet seat.

It was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y36wt/this_morning_i_found_a_fly_on_my_toilet_seat/
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No matter what State you live in, Louisiana is always close to it.

I guess you could say it's always close Bayou.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y32h5/no_matter_what_state_you_live_in_louisiana_is/
%
So this weird guy walks up to me and asks if I've ever seen the movie Up.

I say I have; it was ok.
He asks if I can buy him a copy and I tell him I've never met him so I have no reason to buy him anything.
He keeps bothering me about it, begging me to buy it for him, so I eventually just walk away.
The next day he comes up to me again, asking me to buy the movie for him. I keep avoiding him, but as the days go on,
he gets more agressive, stalking me and threatening me. Eventually I decide that there's only one was to solve this.
I lure him into a dark alley, where he falls into a booby trap which wraps rope around his ankles and suspends him in midair.
"Please," he says "let me go. All I wanted was a copy of Up."
"No," I replied. "I'm never gonna give you Up, never gonna let you down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y31vq/so_this_weird_guy_walks_up_to_me_and_asks_if_ive/
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What do biker shorts and cheap hotels have in common?

No Ballroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y30dv/what_do_biker_shorts_and_cheap_hotels_have_in/
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My wife said if I took one more picture of her she’d leave me.

That’s when I snapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y2w3j/my_wife_said_if_i_took_one_more_picture_of_her/
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What do you call a person who doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y2w15/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_doesnt_fart_in/
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Man goes to hell and is offered one of three rooms for eternity. [long]

Man goes to hell and is greeted by Satan. Satan says "Right this way, sir, you can have your choice of one of three rooms to spend eternity in."
Satan takes him to the first one and he sees a room with wood floors and some people standing on their heads. He looks around around and says "That looks unpleasant, show me the next room."
He is taken to the next room and sees a room with a floor covered in sand with fans blowing the sand around and a few people standing on their heads. Dissatisfied, he asks to be taken to the final room.
In the last room, he sees a lot of people standing around drinking coffee, but they are up to their waists in shit. He thinks about it for a minute, then decides to take that room.
He goes in and wades up to where the coffee is and grabs a cup. Five minutes later, a voice booms over a loud speaker "Ok, guys, coffee break is over, back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y2tiw/man_goes_to_hell_and_is_offered_one_of_three/
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I've changed so much since my GF told me she's pregnant

For example my name, address and even phone number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y2sxc/ive_changed_so_much_since_my_gf_told_me_shes/
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Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y2oa1/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
What kind of overalls does Mario wear?

Denim denim denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y2dk9/what_kind_of_overalls_does_mario_wear/
%
The girl I'm dating said she wanted to be treated like a princess.

So I hired some paparazzi to chase her and she died in a car crash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y2b6q/the_girl_im_dating_said_she_wanted_to_be_treated/
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Little Johnny goes to his grandfather and asks him to croak like a frog.

"Why, sure Johnny. *Croak*", says grandfather.
"Yaaaaay", exclaimed Johnny. Confused, grandfather asks what's so exciting.
"Papa says we're going to be rich when you croak!", replies johnny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y27nb/little_johnny_goes_to_his_grandfather_and_asks/
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I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands.

There is no Cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y27j4/ive_been_diagnosed_with_a_type_of_amnesia_where_i/
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My shower has a fetish for me..

Because when I step in naked it gets turned on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y27f3/my_shower_has_a_fetish_for_me/
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Who's the most generous celebrity?

Cher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y2461/whos_the_most_generous_celebrity/
%
What did the vegetable couple say to the fruit couple?

You two make a nice pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y21zk/what_did_the_vegetable_couple_say_to_the_fruit/
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When i was born I was so mad at my parents

I didn't talk to them for two years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y20vm/when_i_was_born_i_was_so_mad_at_my_parents/
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I didnt know a shitzu was a dog

I thought it was a zoo with no animals in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y1z4z/i_didnt_know_a_shitzu_was_a_dog/
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The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..

They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It’s not because they’re worried about spies cracking the codes. It’s just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can’t tweet them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y1wwq/the_pentagon_is_in_the_middle_of_switching_up/
%
Mixing up the title and text fields.

What's the worst way to ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y1tcq/mixing_up_the_title_and_text_fields/
%
If you're fat, life is like a box of chocolates...

...it doesn't last for long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y1s4j/if_youre_fat_life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Sex with a nun

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y1rdn/sex_with_a_nun/
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Why did Achilles go shoe shopping?

Because heels are his only weakness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y1rd1/why_did_achilles_go_shoe_shopping/
%
Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y1q15/today_i_asked_the_hot_girl_at_my_gym_what_her_new/
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What's Lil Wayne's favorite pizza?

Lil Siezures!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y1ov1/whats_lil_waynes_favorite_pizza/
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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y1o1p/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_runny_nose/
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My girlfriend told me I look better when I'm not wearing glasses

I told her she also looks better when I'm not wearing glasses.
Pretty sure she's not my girlfriend anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y1hk3/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_look_better_when_im_not/
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Why is Oedipus against swearing?

Because he has to kiss his mother with that mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y18k0/why_is_oedipus_against_swearing/
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Old man and a rainbow haired boy in subway.

i've heard it in russian, so i'll try to translate it.
So, once an old man take a ride in subway and was confronted by a young person with brightly colored hairs, piercings everywhere possible and torn cloths. So, the old man seats calmly and stares at boy. He noticed that and asks: "what are you looking at, uh?". Old man reflectively speaks: "back then, when i was a sailor, we've got to the Thailand, where the crew get shore leave. I was so high, that the last thing i remember - i'm fucking a parrot... so, i'm looking at you, and... SON?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y18hc/old_man_and_a_rainbow_haired_boy_in_subway/
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You would think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to eachother

But instead they steal each others electrons.
How ionic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y15ce/you_would_think_that_atoms_bonding_would_mean/
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1990 - "I want two kids, one of each."

2017 - "I want 35 kids, one of each."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y14ni/1990_i_want_two_kids_one_of_each/
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A school teacher with her class, a lawyer and priest were on a plane.

The pilot announces that they have lost power in the engine and that they will have to use parachutes to jump from the plane.
The teacher says "let the kids go first!"
The lawyer says "screw the kids!"
The priest asks "do we have time!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y12fe/a_school_teacher_with_her_class_a_lawyer_and/
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What a Man means when he says...

I’m hungry – I’m hungry.
I’m tired – I’m tired.
Do you want to go to see a film? – I would like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? – I would like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? – I would like to have sex with you.
Would you like to dance? – I would like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! – Nice tits!
You look tense, let me give you a massage – I would like to have sex with you, but first I want you to take your clothes off so I can fondle you.
What’s wrong? – I don’t see why you’re making such a big fucking deal about a bit of a fondle.
What’s wrong? – What meaningless self-inflicted stupid psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? – Crap, guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I’m bored – Do you want to have sex or not?
I love you – I want it NOW!
I love you, too – Okay I’ve said it, so can we please have sex NOW!?
Yes, I like what you have done with your hair – I liked it better before.
Yes, I like what you have done with your hair – $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk – I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? – I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men.
I like that dress better – For fuck’s sake, just buy any dress and let’s go home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0zbs/what_a_man_means_when_he_says/
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Jokes about white sugar are rare.

Jokes about brown sugar? Demerara.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0ynm/jokes_about_white_sugar_are_rare/
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My boyfriend and I both drive Hondas.

He's got one of those boxy ones, and mine is a mid-size sedan.  And neither of us has our own place, so we mostly end up just having sex inside the car.  His is a little bigger, so we usually use his.
Recently, however, he's been wanting to experiment a little bit, and he's saying we should try some things out while having sex on top of his car, instead of inside it.
But if I'm gonna have sex with my boyfriend in a way that's out of his Element, it will have to be on my own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0xou/my_boyfriend_and_i_both_drive_hondas/
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I was made to walk the plank as a child.

We couldn't afford a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0wnn/i_was_made_to_walk_the_plank_as_a_child/
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A man gets into an accident with his new Ferrari.

Police arrive at the scene.
"Officer! My brand new car!" the man cries.
"You're so materialistic, you haven't even noticed your left arm has been cut off."
The man looks then yells "OMG! My Rolex watch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0vs1/a_man_gets_into_an_accident_with_his_new_ferrari/
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I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of mine said, “I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?”
“She did,” I replied, “But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0smu/i_bought_my_wife_a_beautiful_diamond_ring_for_her/
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i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0r6d/i_went_to_the_liquor_store_on_my_bike/
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Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0q1i/love_is_like_a_fart/
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A Rabbi is stranded on a desert island...

A Rabbi is stranded on a desert island. After years of solitude, he is finally rescued. His years of loneliness and the island's abundant resources have let him build many creature comforts. He shows his rescuers around the island.
"Here's my dining room," he says, pointing to an area with a palm-leaf roof.
"And here's my kitchen," he says, pointing to an area by the lagoon surrounded by stones.
"And here," he says, pointing to a beautiful hut, "is my synagogue where I go pray."
The rescuers see another building of equal beauty across the island. "What building is that over there?" they ask.
"Ugh, that's the other synagogue. You wouldn't catch me dead in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0q18/a_rabbi_is_stranded_on_a_desert_island/
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Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting

Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0oji/today_i_saw_2_blind_people_fighting/
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When a person with a lisp says "buthineth"

You know they mean business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0o9b/when_a_person_with_a_lisp_says_buthineth/
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I business man decides to open a bar in small town in Texas...

It was quiet little town where lot of people were god fearing and church going folk.
His bar began construction on a new building on the same street as one of the town churches (one of twelve) to increase their business. The local Baptist church among other god fearing folk of course were shocked and took this as a blasphemy and condemned the bar owner for his sins. They started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers that such disgrace and sin in the eyes of the lord must be punished. Prayers were had to stop the unholy businessman and his mockery of god. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The whole town church folk were rather smug in their outlook after that and satisfied, until the bar owner decided to sue the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building.
In court the church people vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise. They declared in front of the judge that they did not have anything to do with it and they are not liable in any way for this.
The judge looked over the paperwork and said at the hearing, "Okay, I don’t know right now how I’m going to decide this, but it appears to me, that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.’
**EDIT:** Changed the church from Baptist to Catholic since it was requested :P
**EDIT 2:** Changed it back since apparently Catholics are alcoholics. Go Baptists again :)
**EDIT 3:** It seems that the story isn't believable since there aren't enough churches (so one is not enough) and mad church people, so I changed it...
**EDIT4:** One of the town folk is a monkey trainer, there are plenty of monkeys. You can see them from 4PM -10PM in circus two towns over, ask for Biff. Closed on SUN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0lm5/i_business_man_decides_to_open_a_bar_in_small/
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When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0jzk/when_i_was_younger_i_felt_like_a_man_trapped_in_a/
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I've got an inferiority complex.

But it's not a very good one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0gwe/ive_got_an_inferiority_complex/
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A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. After a short nap, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re cute!”
The wife was disappointed. She asked her husband’s doctor, “When my husband first woke up, he called me beautiful, but just a minute ago, he woke up again and called me cute. What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
The doctor replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0gqk/a_man_was_just_waking_up_from_anesthesia_after/
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My girlfriend just sent me a message saying: “myspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0g8f/my_girlfriend_just_sent_me_a_message_saying/
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My dick is like the Mona Lisa

Small and disappointing in person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0g8c/my_dick_is_like_the_mona_lisa/
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I have emotional constipation.

I haven't given a shit in days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y0f2f/i_have_emotional_constipation/
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A Navy Chief noticed a new seaman.

He barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”
“John,” the new seaman replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?”
“Aye, Aye Chief!”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”
“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y058w/a_navy_chief_noticed_a_new_seaman/
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Three old ladies

were sitting on a bench seat when a Flasher ran up & Flashed them.
The first old lady had a stroke..
The second old lady had a stroke too...
The third old lady couldn't reach.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6y01xg/three_old_ladies/
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I went to the doctor and said my back hurts

He said "You're going to have to stop masturbating"
"Why?"
"So I can examine you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xzvig/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_said_my_back_hurts/
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No matter how kind you are,

German children are kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xzvg2/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
A husband exclaims to his wife one day

, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xztsu/a_husband_exclaims_to_his_wife_one_day/
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A reporter in Houston asked a woman how many churches were open during the flood

She said; "I don't know I eat at KFC"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xzsml/a_reporter_in_houston_asked_a_woman_how_many/
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Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xzqw0/broccoli_hey_i_look_like_a_tree/
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What's the difference between an egg and a beetroot

You can beat an egg but you can't beat a root

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xzkq8/whats_the_difference_between_an_egg_and_a_beetroot/
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A blond woman goes to the hospital...

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the stickers off the bananas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xzj04/a_blond_woman_goes_to_the_hospital/
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How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionised"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xzfj6/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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Just got back from fight club. I really enjoyed it!

I was late though so I missed the rules. I'm sure they weren't important though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xzffm/just_got_back_from_fight_club_i_really_enjoyed_it/
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Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

Because all the other letters are Not-Cs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xzeva/why_is_the_letter_c_afraid_of_the_rest_of_the/
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Went to the opticians the other day, guess who I bumped into..

Everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xzavb/went_to_the_opticians_the_other_day_guess_who_i/
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Why did the spy cross the road?

He was never on your side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xzamt/why_did_the_spy_cross_the_road/
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Stuck Behind Traffic

A cop pulls a car over for driving too fast. He walks up to the car,
Cop: You were going to fast.
Driver: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.
Cop: There isn't any.
Driver: I know! That's how far behind I am!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xz47r/stuck_behind_traffic/
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I know a Spanish comedian who specialises in short jokes.

His name's Juan Lina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xz3d3/i_know_a_spanish_comedian_who_specialises_in/
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I'd make a joke about unemployment

But it doesn't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xz36q/id_make_a_joke_about_unemployment/
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A married truck driver goes into a brothel

He says to the madam "I'll give you $500 for your ugliest girl and baked beans on burnt toast."
The madam replies "For $500  I'll give you my best looking girl and a 3 course meal."
The truck driver replies "You don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xz111/a_married_truck_driver_goes_into_a_brothel/
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I spotted one of my previous girlfriends in the shop yesterday

It was an ex-sighting experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xz0kn/i_spotted_one_of_my_previous_girlfriends_in_the/
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3 Things I Hate

1) Numbers
B. Inconsistencies
3) Lists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xyxz7/3_things_i_hate/
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What do you call tea that isn't very blatant?

Subtle tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xyv2j/what_do_you_call_tea_that_isnt_very_blatant/
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I poured root beer in a square glass

Now I just have beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xytvb/i_poured_root_beer_in_a_square_glass/
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The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xyqxb/the_polite_way_to_pee/
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"I see," said the blind construction worker,

As he picked up his hammer and saw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xyoj6/i_see_said_the_blind_construction_worker/
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A very quiet man married a naggy wife

He's a good provider and makes a lot of money as a farmer. Despite giving her everything she wants, she still complains and nags him everyday. Years into the marriage, he starts to feel fed up being nagged by the wife. One day he took his wife to his farm and pushed her into a 10 foot deep hole. From morning till noon, sitting in the living room he thought "this is so peaceful, good riddance".
But when the sun sets, the man started to worry about his wife. Grabbing a long rope from his shed, he headed back to the farm. Throwing one end of the rope into the hole he repeatedly apologized to the wife and asked her to grab the rope and climb out. After minutes, the man was shocked to see a hideous old woman climbing out of the hole.
Man: What are you???
Woman: I am the creature that haunts this hole.
Man: What have you done to my wife?? Where is she????
Woman: Calm down, human. Your wife is fine, she's still down there.
Man: But why did you climb out of the hole then?
Woman: I can't fucking stand her nagging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xyn5i/a_very_quiet_man_married_a_naggy_wife/
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A blind man went to a restaurant...

A blind man went to a restaurant."Menu, sir?" Asked the owner.
"I'm blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it & order."
The confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath.
"Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables"
"Unbelievable!" thought the owner. The blind man ate and left.
2 weeks later, the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to see how good his sense of smell was, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking. He said, "Do me a favor and rub this fork over your pussy!",which she does. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork.
The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says, "Oh interesting, I never knew Brenda worked here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xyijf/a_blind_man_went_to_a_restaurant/
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Every day after work two blondes would look for their cars together...

Since they could never remember where they parked, they would sit around until all the cars were gone and they could spot their vehicles.
One blonde says "We need to find a faster way to get home."
The next day, they come to work on a donkey. After work they come out and see a donkey tied to the fence.
I think we're going to have to wait again, " says the one blonde. "I'm not convinced that's our donkey."
"Why not?" asks the second blonde.
The first blonde says, "Well, this donkey only has one asshole, and this morning when we rode in, I distinctly overhead someone say, 'Hey look at those two assholes on that donkey.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xyequ/every_day_after_work_two_blondes_would_look_for/
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Did you hear about the time Nirvana went on a road trip?

All I know about it is that Kurt called shotgun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xye49/did_you_hear_about_the_time_nirvana_went_on_a/
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A priest and a rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go skinny dipping in a remote lake

All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi‘s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation.
Their clothes are on the other side of the lake, so they don’t have time to retrieve them. Both decide to just make a run for it.
The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over and sees the rabbi running with his hands over his face. He says, “Rabbi! What are you doing?”
The rabbi says, "In my community, they recognize me by my face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xydhk/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_very_good_friends_so/
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What do you call a male ladybug?

confused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xyd8y/what_do_you_call_a_male_ladybug/
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The successful son [long]

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: “I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.”
The second guy says: “Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”
The third guy says: “Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend.”
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to rest room returned and asked: “What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”
The fourth man replied: “My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said: “What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.”
The fourth man replied: “No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. His birthday just passed the other day and he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xyc45/the_successful_son_long/
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And the award for best neckwear goes to...

Huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xyb2c/and_the_award_for_best_neckwear_goes_to/
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What did Mrs. Holmes say when she was checking her son's diaper?

No shit, Sherlock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xyap0/what_did_mrs_holmes_say_when_she_was_checking_her/
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A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xyafe/a_man_was_having_premature_ejaculation_problems/
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I know the whole truth.

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xy8j7/i_know_the_whole_truth/
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A young man had been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for several years.

One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines.
The bag boy was excited and asked the manager if he could work the juice machines.
The manager turned him down.
The bag boy said, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager said, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xy7sb/a_young_man_had_been_working_as_a_bag_boy_in_a/
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Checking your Facebook is like checking your underwear after you fart

There wont be anything there and if there is it's probably shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xy7fn/checking_your_facebook_is_like_checking_your/
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I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it.

Now I can truly think of myself as Independent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xxsij/i_bought_a_locket_today_and_put_my_own_picture_in/
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What did Mick Jagger do when he found his cupboard was infested with moths?

Nothing. A rolling stone gathers no moths.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xxrmk/what_did_mick_jagger_do_when_he_found_his/
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Why did everyone hate their potato overlord?

Because he was a dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xxqtu/why_did_everyone_hate_their_potato_overlord/
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At my university the only way to have a mini-fridge in my room is to have a medical condition...

Apparently being an alcoholic doesn't qualify...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xxqhr/at_my_university_the_only_way_to_have_a/
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Son your teacher tells me you said the 'C' word in class today.

That wasn't clever was it?
No, it was cunt..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xxp3x/son_your_teacher_tells_me_you_said_the_c_word_in/
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My mom didn't like my report card. I told her okay.

She said she wanted more A's.
So I told her "okaaaaay".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xxoe7/my_mom_didnt_like_my_report_card_i_told_her_okay/
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A farmer was tending to his livestock.

George, a farmer, was tending to his livestock when he noticed something about the grass. The grass in his field had smelled like chocolate. Also, he notices that his cows wouldn't eat this part of the field. The pigs and chickens would eat it, but not the cows. Over time, the milk the cows made was absolutely terrible and didn't sell.
Fed up with this, he headed on over to his neighbor and asked him, “My grass smells weird and the cows won't eat it. Do you know anything about this?”
Perplexed, Phil walks over to his yard and sniffs the grass and sure enough it smells like chocolate.
They both knew where they had to go to get an answer. After driving for a few hours, they made it to Dave’s house, a biologist and a mutual friend of theirs. When he heard about the problem, he instantly knew the source. “It's the Toller Ants,” he explained, “They are all white except for their feet. The colors of their feet can have every color as a possibility, and each color has a different effect. Your ants have black feet, which can make it smell like chocolate.”
“So,” George said, “people aren't buying my milk because of a spike of *black toes in Toller ants*.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xxn37/a_farmer_was_tending_to_his_livestock/
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Magic Dildo

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.
A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went to the local sex shop and asked the lady at the counter what the best product she had to offer was. The woman pointed at the $400 sex doll in the corner and asked the man, "Will that do?" Not wanting his wife to think of the sex doll as another man, the husband shook his head and asked for another suggestion. The counter clerk pointed at the back wall where a rack of dragon dildos hung, to which the man replied that he had plenty of those at home and was looking for something a little more special.
Looking partially defeated, the counter clerk put her hand to her forehead and thought for a while before removing her hand and saying, "We have one other option but I really wanted it for myself. It's one of a kind." The man, intrigued, says "Let me see it." The clerk pulls out a antiquated box inlaid with gems along its side. She opens it and pulls out a rather normal looking dildo and turns to the man, who is obviously disappointed. The clerk sees this and announces, "This is not just any old dildo. It's a magic dildo. It will fill your wife with pleasure once she says the words, 'Magic Dildo,' followed by whatever she hole she desires to put it in. The magic dildo will then fly up straight into her, filling her with an orgasm like she's never had before. She'll be plenty busy with it." The husband looks skeptical, so the clerk decides to display the dildo's powers for him. Holding the dildo in her hand, she confidently states "Magic dildo, my pussy." Upon which the dildo soars from her palm to her vagina, making her immediately open her mouth wide in pants and intensity. After about ten minutes of this, she seems satisfied and says, "Magic dildo, the box." Making the dildo fly back to a rest. Impressed, the man rushes home to give the dildo to his wife.
A week after her husband left the wife decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "Magic dildo, my pussy." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied the wife. The wife was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theater, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure.
One day on her way to work the wife hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. The wife was feeling really confident and called out "Magic dildo, my pussy." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out that car was a cop.
The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs.
"Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!" The wife tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the wife what she was on. The wife told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and its causing me to lose control!"
The officer, not buying it, simply replied "Magic dildo, my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xxdxj/magic_dildo/
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There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xxbls/there_are_three_truths_in_religion/
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I added Paul Walker on Xbox

...But he spends all his time on the dashboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xx96n/i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox/
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How does Bob the Builder have a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xx5wj/how_does_bob_the_builder_have_a_one_night_stand/
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xx5rv/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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Two Kiwis are walking down the street when they see

A sheep with its head stuck in a fence.  First guy looks at the second as says, "I'm going to fuck it."  After he finishes, the first guys turns again to the second and tells him "it's your turn".  Second guy stares for a minute and then responds, "alright, but how am I supposed to get my head in the fence?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xx5g3/two_kiwis_are_walking_down_the_street_when_they/
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A patient tells his doctor he thinks he contracted Swine Flu and Avian Flu at the same time.

The doctor tells him "I'll believe that when pigs fly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xx56h/a_patient_tells_his_doctor_he_thinks_he/
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The FBI had an opening for an assassin

. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle the bitch to death'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xx3jx/the_fbi_had_an_opening_for_an_assassin/
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Vegan in a restaurant

Customer: I'm vegan, I don't eat gluten or carbs, I'm lactose intolerant, and allergic to nuts. What should I get?
Waiter: the fuck out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xx1q3/vegan_in_a_restaurant/
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I just fell victim to a dad joke

Dad: What do you get when you cross a tuna, a piano, and glue.
Me: I don't know?
Dad: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
Me: What about the glue?
Dad: I knew you would get stuck on that part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xx0mt/i_just_fell_victim_to_a_dad_joke/
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I'll be so demoralised if North Korea decides to invade South Korea...

It'd be Seoul destroying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xx0lf/ill_be_so_demoralised_if_north_korea_decides_to/
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I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed.

I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwyl0/i_dont_use_pepper_spray_when_im_being_robbed/
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I recently got a loan so I could start my own ice cream business...

I'm going to have a rocky road ahead of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwyi5/i_recently_got_a_loan_so_i_could_start_my_own_ice/
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Cop tells of pulling an elderly lady over....

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something—body language, or the way she said it—made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all.
She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a damn thing!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwy7p/cop_tells_of_pulling_an_elderly_lady_over/
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If sex with two other women/men is called a threesome, and four a foursome...

I get now why I'm called handsome...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwx8b/if_sex_with_two_other_womenmen_is_called_a/
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I ran two of my friends over with my delivery truck.

Now they're my flatmates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwtmc/i_ran_two_of_my_friends_over_with_my_delivery/
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On Christmas morning

a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwt94/on_christmas_morning/
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my thesaurus got here yesterday.

But when I opened it, it was blank inside. I have no words for how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwrzb/my_thesaurus_got_here_yesterday/
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What's E.T. short for?

he has small legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwrhx/whats_et_short_for/
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there was once a frustrated cannibal.

he threw up his arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwr2w/there_was_once_a_frustrated_cannibal/
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What are the two types of weather in Islamic countries?

It's either Sunni or Shi'ite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwqdg/what_are_the_two_types_of_weather_in_islamic/
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In Alabama, when served rolls, they never serve the butter on the side.

Because they like it inbread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwnmc/in_alabama_when_served_rolls_they_never_serve_the/
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I made a belt out of watches

It was a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwla4/i_made_a_belt_out_of_watches/
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What's a pirates favorite cheese?

Garrrgonzola

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwk4d/whats_a_pirates_favorite_cheese/
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The Toughest Cowboy

One night, three cowboys are sitting around a fire, passing a flask. The first cowboy takes a swig and boasts, "I'm the toughest cowboy on this range. One day a fire came up all around me and my cattle. I dug a trench around us and stopped that fire, and saved all 250 cattle." He passes the bottle to the next cowboy takes two swigs and says, "That's nothing. Yesterday I came across a rattler, grabbed it with my bare hands, bit it's head off, and drank the venom straight." He offers the flask to the third cowboy, who says nothing, but continues to simply stir the fire with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwitp/the_toughest_cowboy/
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It was my first day at a new school.

When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xwgbs/it_was_my_first_day_at_a_new_school/
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One day a body builder is checking himself out in a mirror

He is admiring his physique when he becomes a little annoyed that he has an all over tan, with the exception of his penis and testicles. He decided to go to a nude beach and bury himself in the sand but would leave his genitalia exposed, so that he could get a nice tan.
While he was laying there, buried in the sand, two elderly women walking by noticed the exposed member and one said to the other "Now that's a damn shame."
"What is?" asked the second woman.
"Well, in my late teens I was curious about them, from my 20's through my 40's I enjoyed them. In my 60's I had to beg for it and now that I'm too old to do anything with them, the fucking things are growing like weeds!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xw9jr/one_day_a_body_builder_is_checking_himself_out_in/
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I have a couple shots of tequila maybe once every blue moon.

Sorry, I wrote that wrong. I have a couple of Blue Moons for every shot of tequila.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xw5yc/i_have_a_couple_shots_of_tequila_maybe_once_every/
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I've just published a book on poltergeists.

It's flying off the shelves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xw5u9/ive_just_published_a_book_on_poltergeists/
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I like my beer like I like my violence

Domestic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xw46f/i_like_my_beer_like_i_like_my_violence/
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A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he finds a bartender.

The bartender offers him a drink.
The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing.
The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod."
"Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before."
"No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman.
The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC.
The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish."
"Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street".
"No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend.
In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel.
The little boy said 'Now I am sad'.
"Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time".
"No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again.
Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes."
The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?"
The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?"
The fisherman nods.
The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense.
He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?"
The fisherman says "I can't answer that here".
The bartender asks "Why not?"
The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xw2x6/a_fisherman_walks_into_rjokes_where_he_finds_a/
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If I've learned anything from watching Game of Thrones..

It's that family always cums first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xw2b5/if_ive_learned_anything_from_watching_game_of/
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What's Harry Potter's favourite way of going down a hill?

Walking.
JK Rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xw1rw/whats_harry_potters_favourite_way_of_going_down_a/
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A joke told by my priest at church this morning

Three women were discussing their sons, each bragging about his accomplishments. They wanted to show that their son had the most respect from the most people. The first said "My son is a bishop. When people talk to him, they say 'Your Excellency.'" The second woman says "That's nothing. My son is a cardinal, when people talk to him, they say 'Your Eminence."'" The third woman, whose son volunteers as a lector to read during mass and is 5'5" while weighing 350 lbs, says "Well, when people see my son, they say 'My God!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xvysa/a_joke_told_by_my_priest_at_church_this_morning/
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A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. . .

The bartender begins to greet him,  but is shocked to see the man grab the dog by the tail, and swing it around his head.
"What the fuck are you *doing?!*" the barman cries. The blind man shrugs.
"Just having a look around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xvxfw/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_seeing_eye/
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What do you get when you cross goat DNA with human DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xvw6c/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_goat_dna_with/
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Did you know that in North Korea, the soldiers always march to the left?

That's because there are no rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xvt2i/did_you_know_that_in_north_korea_the_soldiers/
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If you've been watching TV since you were a kid

You should take a break. Get up and walk around sometime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xvrng/if_youve_been_watching_tv_since_you_were_a_kid/
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You know the worst thing about having amnesia?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xvomz/you_know_the_worst_thing_about_having_amnesia/
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A Soviet General visits his troops...

He goes to see his men to raise their morale, and to encourage them to continue destroying the Finns on he Eastern front.
From somewhere within the forest he hears, "Ha! One Finn is better than ten Russians!"
The general is angered by this so he rounds up the nearest ten soldiers and sends them to find and kill the Finn. He hears a bit of gunfire on the other side of the forest and it goes quiet again.
Within the forest, the voice shouts again, "Ha! One Finn is better than a whole Russian platoon!"
The general is infuriated, so he rounds up two dozen men to go kill the Finnish soldier. Off they go into the woods, and more gunfire is heard.
After fifteen minutes he hears the voice again, "Ha! One Finn is better than a whole Russian company!"
The general can barely contain his outrage, so he orders half of his soldiers into the forest, armed with flamethrowers, grenades, and machine guns. With them goes some tanks and artillery. Across the forest, he heard explosions, machine-gun fire, screams and shouts, but it all quiets down.
The general looks into the woods expectantly for his men to return, but only one does, bloodied and limping.
The wounded soldier says, "Comrade General, it was a trap, do not send any more men. There were two Finns..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xvns8/a_soviet_general_visits_his_troops/
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A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife

He says to the  doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the  first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor  replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say  something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it  again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her  deafness".
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He  starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping  some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet  closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about  an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xvlcc/a_concerned_husband_went_to_a_doctor_to_talk/
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I hate stair lifts..

They drive me right up the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xvk3p/i_hate_stair_lifts/
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Having sex with a Chinese girl is great but...

The problem is you're horny 20 minutes later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xvi0y/having_sex_with_a_chinese_girl_is_great_but/
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Shark Tank

*on Shark Tank*
Sharks: what's your idea?
Me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
Shark 1: I'm out
Shark 2: I'm out as well
Hammerhead shark: tell me more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xvcyy/shark_tank/
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A Horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "5 whiskeys please!" before downing the whole lot.
The barman looks at the horse and says "That's quite a stomach you've got, are you an alcoholic?"
The horse says "I don't think I am". Suddenly the horse poofs out of existence.
See the joke is a reference to Descartes the philosopher who coined the phrase "I think. Therefore I am." However explaining this prior to the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xvcya/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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My son was thrown out of school for the third time this year for letting a girl in his class jerk him off

Im starting to think that maybe teaching isn't for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xvc2i/my_son_was_thrown_out_of_school_for_the_third/
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My password is "pacmankirbymariosonic"

Because they told me to use at least four characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xvc1z/my_password_is_pacmankirbymariosonic/
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Bill Gates recently visited a kindergarten and taught the children how to count to ten.

"1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xv791/bill_gates_recently_visited_a_kindergarten_and/
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What is the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xv657/what_is_the_opposite_of_christopher_walken/
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What happens

When you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xv641/what_happens/
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I played Monopoly with my family, and I won easily, but it wasn't that fun

I like being mentally challenged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xv44q/i_played_monopoly_with_my_family_and_i_won_easily/
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A guy walks into a bar with his monkey.

While at the bar, the monkey won't stop jumping from here and there, messing with the fridge, with the tables, until a moment that he ate a pool ball.
The bartender said to the monkey's owner: did you see what your monkey did? He ate a pool ball.
The guy said: I'm sorry, the monkey is a troublemaker. I'll pay for it, don't worry.
So, he pays the bill and the ball and goes away.
Another day, he comes back with his monkey again. The monkey, as done before, started jumping through the whole bar until a moment that he stopped near an olive plate. He picked one olive, shove it at his ass, took it back and ate it.
The bartender said: hey, did you see what your monkey did? He put an olive in the ass then ate it.
The guy said: well, after that pool ball, he learned to measure everything before eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xv0kd/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_monkey/
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This is my step ladder

I never knew my real ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xuzbp/this_is_my_step_ladder/
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Failed my audition in a play since I was being "innappropriate"

Fuck knows what they were on about though, not my fault my script said "Enter Juliet from rear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xuyed/failed_my_audition_in_a_play_since_i_was_being/
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I'm on the beer and whiskey diet

Last week I lost three days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xurg7/im_on_the_beer_and_whiskey_diet/
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Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for mastubating in a courtroom?

He got off on a technicality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xuql0/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_was_arrested_for/
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I love fucking German girls

...but its a real boner killer when they keep shouting their age during sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xupv5/i_love_fucking_german_girls/
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What's the difference between a male golfer and a female golfer?

There's a hole in one....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xuowi/whats_the_difference_between_a_male_golfer_and_a/
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Two boys were selling fish in the marketplace.

The business was very dull. At last, a customer came. He went to the first boy and enquired the price of the fish.
“It’s 100 rupees per kilo, Sir,” said the boy.
The customer just glanced at the second boy and realized that he was also selling the same variety of fish. Hoping to get a better bargain from him, he moved on to him and enquired his price. Without any hesitation the second boy said, “It’s just 500 rupees per kilo.”
“ What ! 500 rupees per kilo ! You are demanding 5 times the price of what the other fellow is demanding, and that too for the same kind of fish. It’s atrocious !”
“ No, it’s not the same kind of fish. It might appear so, but it is a special kind of fish.”
“What’s so special about it?”, the customer became curious.
“ It’s an intelligent fish and makes one who eats it regularly intelligent, too. That’s why it’s costlier than the other fish.”
“ I see, then it’s worth buying. Let me try it.”
He bought a kilo of the fish, paying the hefty price of 500 rupees. He bought the fish regularly for the next six days at that exorbitant price with the fond hope of improving his intelligence. Did it improves his intelligence ? Unfortunately, no. At the end of the week, he realised that he had been taken for a ride by that smart alec fish-monger. Furious at being cheated like that, he wanted to settle scores with that fellow. The next day, he went straight to that boy and demanded to know whether he still sold that “"intelligent fish” ?
“Of course, yes,” replied that unsuspecting guy.
“You bloody liar. Your “intelligent fish” is a big hoax. I have been eating it for the past 7 days, but not a speck of improvement in my intelligence. You have cheated me. Return my money, or else I’ll call the police now.”
Without batting an eyelid, the young rogue said,” Look, when I said it is an “intelligent fish”, a week ago, you didn't object to it. Now, within a week, you have become intelligent enough to find out that it can’t be an intelligent fish. Very good improvement. Isn’t it? Keep taking more of it, and you’ll become even more intelligent!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xum5c/two_boys_were_selling_fish_in_the_marketplace/
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Why is the nose in the middle of the face?

Because its the scenter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xukbj/why_is_the_nose_in_the_middle_of_the_face/
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A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered

"Hello? "Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home? "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him? " the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No. "Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there? "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her? "Again the small voice whispered, "No. "Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you? " the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman. "Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman? "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what? " asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise? "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there? " asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper. "Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for? "Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xujgt/a_boss_of_a_big_company_needed_to_call_one_of_his/
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Did you hear the two slices of bread broke up?

I wonder rye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xudyf/did_you_hear_the_two_slices_of_bread_broke_up/
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I like my women like my computers

At least old enough to handle my 3 1/2-inch floppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xucuf/i_like_my_women_like_my_computers/
%
What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xu3mx/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
"Son you're just not cut out to be a mime."

"Is it something I said?"
"Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xu17u/son_youre_just_not_cut_out_to_be_a_mime/
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Grammar:

The difference between knowing your shit
and knowing you're shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xtui8/grammar/
%
A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xtucl/a_wife_asks_her_husband_a_software_engineer/
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I just started volunteering at this place called Muhammad's Bakery.

It's a naan prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xtsy8/i_just_started_volunteering_at_this_place_called/
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What does a dog do, that a man steps into?

Pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xtsx2/what_does_a_dog_do_that_a_man_steps_into/
%
"Mummy, can I lick the bowl?"

"No Samantha you can flush like everyone else does"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xtrgo/mummy_can_i_lick_the_bowl/
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Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xtqf3/today_it_became_clear_to_me_that_the_letters_t/
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I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked…

I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xtp1k/i_scared_the_postman_today_by_going_to_the_door/
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Earl and Peggy had been married 50 years

Every year they'd attend the county fair and every year Earl would look at Peggy and say, "Look at those planes! I'd love to ride one of those planes.."
And every year Peggy would reply, "Yea, but it costs $10, and $10 is $10!"
Finally, the year came of Earl's 75th birthday. They go to the fair and again, Earl exclaims "Look at those planes! I'd love to ride one of those planes.." To which Peggy again replied, "Yea, but $10 is $10."
The pilot overheard the exchange and chimed in, "Listen, I'll give you both a ride, and if you don't say a word or scream during the entire ride, the ride is free. But if you do, you will owe me $20 for the ride."
Earl got so excited about his opportunity and both he and Peggy hopped on the plane. The pilot pulled out all the tricks. Barrel roles, loops, corkscrews, everything he could to get some kind of noise, but they were quiet the whole ride.
Finally they landed and the pilot said, "I can't believe you two didn't make a sound!"
Earl said to the pilot, "I was going to say something when Peggy fell out, but $10 is $10."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xtniw/earl_and_peggy_had_been_married_50_years/
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What do you call a transgender Japanese person?

A Nintendo switch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xtlpg/what_do_you_call_a_transgender_japanese_person/
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What's the name of the fastest Chinese online game player?

Lo Ping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xtkmz/whats_the_name_of_the_fastest_chinese_online_game/
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Lee has a terrible headache

Lee calls in work and say "I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come to work today."
His boss says "I really need you today, Lee. You know, whenever I am not feeling OK like you, I go ask my wife for sex. I always feel better after."
A couple of hours later, Lee calls in. "I do what you say. I feel great now. I be at work soon. You have nice house"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xtivy/lee_has_a_terrible_headache/
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TIL that the Welsh first made condoms out of sheep intestines

The English then improved the idea by taking it out of the animal first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xthge/til_that_the_welsh_first_made_condoms_out_of/
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A man walks into a bar

He goes up to a man sitting at the bar.
He says, ''I just fucked your mother and I did it in your bed and I fucked her doggie style and I even made her give me a blowjob. What do you think about that?''
The other guy says, ''Shut up Dad, you're drunk again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xth9d/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did one prostitute's knee say to the other?

Nothing. They never met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xtf9i/what_did_one_prostitutes_knee_say_to_the_other/
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When a woman buys a vibrator it's seen as a bit of naughty fun

But when a guy orders a 240 volt fuckmaster pro 5000 latex doll with high speed pulsating pussy, elasticised anus with non drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm sound system, he gets called a pervert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xtazu/when_a_woman_buys_a_vibrator_its_seen_as_a_bit_of/
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What do Bulimia and Coke Zero have in common?

Twice the taste, zero calories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xta85/what_do_bulimia_and_coke_zero_have_in_common/
%
What do you call a pile of cats?

It's called a 'meow'tain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xt6rg/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_cats/
%
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall

But it was his dumb asphalt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xt4xk/my_neighbor_blamed_my_gravel_for_making_him_fall/
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A polar bear walks into a bar

. Bartender says "what can I get you?" Bear replies " I'd like a gin......... And tonic" Batender asks "Why the big pause?" The polar bear looks at his hands, turning them back and forth "I don't know, my dad had 'em too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xt374/a_polar_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Where do the poor noodles live?

The spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xt2le/where_do_the_poor_noodles_live/
%
Brain fade

Friend 1: "I just threw the chocolate that I had planned on eating, in the trash can. Sometimes I think I am retarded"
Friend 2: "Oh! I do that as well"
Friend 1: "Put your chocolate in the trash can?"
Friend 2: "No. Think you are retarded"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xst0h/brain_fade/
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Did you know: If you lay out a grown human's intestines end to end,

They'll die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xssg6/did_you_know_if_you_lay_out_a_grown_humans/
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A broke man goes to a famous lawyer...

"I have no money but I can give you an original Picasso drawing"
"That sounds good! What are you accused of?"
"stealing a Picasso drawing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xsqlr/a_broke_man_goes_to_a_famous_lawyer/
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Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocaine?

Because he wanted to *transcend dental* medication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xsnzt/why_did_the_buddhist_monk_refuse_novocaine/
%
There are four kinds of sex:

HOUSE SEX: You and your spouse are newlyweds and you fuck all over the house.
BEDROOM SEX: You and your spouse have been married for a few years, have settled down, and only fuck in the bedroom.
HALL SEX: You and your spouse have been married for fifteen years and say, "Fuck you!" when you pass in the hall.
COURTROOM SEX: You and your spouse have been married for twenty years, your spouse's lawyer fucks you out of everything you've got.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xslc7/there_are_four_kinds_of_sex/
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hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier asks, "What size?"
The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."
"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"
"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.
The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"
The man replies, "To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xsko2/hell_with_the_condoms_give_me_a_hundred_feet_of/
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she wants a box of condoms

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xskik/she_wants_a_box_of_condoms/
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What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xskb8/what_do_you_do_with_365_used_condoms/
%
Host

In a small town there was a guy named Jack. Jack was running the local inn, a popular place among the town people to come and hang out. The inn was so popular that Jack was known by all, and the people on the small town loved him and appreciated his company. Most people just called him "Host", and many men even forgot his real name.
One day, Host died. The town fell into sadness, every one grieving and mourning the good man, Host, loved by all.
Few days later , a traveler enter the inn, ordered a drink and set to drink with few of the workers resting from a long day of hard work. He notice the men seem sad, barely talking and quietly sipping from their cups. He decide to try and make them laugh, so he try one joke he read on the internet a while ago. No one laugh. So he try another one. No reaction. He tries another one, the best one he knew.
No reaction either. Frustrated,  half shouting, he asked "why is no one laughing???"
One of the workers sigh heavily, and point to a sign on the wall saying "R.I.P Host".
(Sorry for bad English, I try my best)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xsk0y/host/
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When Beethoven passed away.....

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xsht0/when_beethoven_passed_away/
%
What does a woman and a KFC have in common?

Once you finish with the leg and the breast, all that's left is a greasy box to stick your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xsfr6/what_does_a_woman_and_a_kfc_have_in_common/
%
Have you heard my paper joke?

It's tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xsf08/have_you_heard_my_paper_joke/
%
What's the most sensitive part of your body when you masturbate? ...

Your ears, listening for your wife coming upstairs. ( change wife to mom if you still live with parents)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xseli/whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_your_body_when/
%
A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy.

While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?”
“I should think so,” the barman replies.
The man raises his hand. “How about this big?”
“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .”
The man holds his hand at shoulder level: “This big?”
“Not a cat in hell’s chance.”
The man knocks back his drink in one. “Hell. I just ran over a nun.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xsc6q/a_man_rushes_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_double_brandy/
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Q: What are your chances of falling in love in Rio de Janeiro?

A: One in a Brazilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xs0bb/q_what_are_your_chances_of_falling_in_love_in_rio/
%
A son and a dad are talking

Son: Why is the sky blue?
Dad: The same reason your eyes are blue.
Son: So the sky slept with the postman?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrzqp/a_son_and_a_dad_are_talking/
%
I have a Polish friend who is an audio engineer

and a Czech one too. Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrz81/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_is_an_audio_engineer/
%
I called the Doctors to schedule an appointment...

Me: I need a doctor's appointment...
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?...
Me: No, I don't need that many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrz2a/i_called_the_doctors_to_schedule_an_appointment/
%
I have a great super power...

... I can make kids appear on milk boxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrz1y/i_have_a_great_super_power/
%
I was about to make a joke on black holes but

I guess it doesn't matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xryfk/i_was_about_to_make_a_joke_on_black_holes_but/
%
What kind of bee makes milk?

A boobie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrwx8/what_kind_of_bee_makes_milk/
%
A Jamaican guy asks another Jamaican guy...

"Hey mon, do you know what the thing that casts the shadow in a sundial is called?"
The other guy thinks for a moment and then responds: "Gnomon".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrv3u/a_jamaican_guy_asks_another_jamaican_guy/
%
Maria, they just wanted to see your panties

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xruz7/maria_they_just_wanted_to_see_your_panties/
%
How do you settle an abortion debate with your wife?

Push her down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrug7/how_do_you_settle_an_abortion_debate_with_your/
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I had sex with my teacher

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrtl4/i_had_sex_with_my_teacher/
%
The toothbrush must had been invented in Alabama or Mississippi...

Because anywhere else it would have  been called a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrqpz/the_toothbrush_must_had_been_invented_in_alabama/
%
Why is six afraid of seven?

Seven's black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrpzx/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
What do Yoko Ono and Ethiopians have in common?

They have both been living off dead beetles for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrl8j/what_do_yoko_ono_and_ethiopians_have_in_common/
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A married couple of almost 20 years was lying in bed one evening

When the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became still. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
"I found the remote," he mumbled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrl5s/a_married_couple_of_almost_20_years_was_lying_in/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and arrested me under suspicion of being good in bed.

All charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrkal/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
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60% of people in the world are dumb

luckily I am in the 30%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrk8j/60_of_people_in_the_world_are_dumb/
%
What did Ken say to Ryu when he asked to borrow money?

*SUREYOUCAN!!!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xriq4/what_did_ken_say_to_ryu_when_he_asked_to_borrow/
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Why can't you email a photo to a Jedi?

Because for Jedi, attachments are forbidden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrh9m/why_cant_you_email_a_photo_to_a_jedi/
%
I just bought this new deodorant, the instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom"

I can hardly walk but when I fart it smells amazing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xrgl2/i_just_bought_this_new_deodorant_the_instructions/
%
A Russian spy, a Klansman, and televangelist walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "Sorry. Republican Convention is next door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xr5ug/a_russian_spy_a_klansman_and_televangelist_walk/
%
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type...

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xr3v6/my_dad_died_when_we_couldnt_remember_his_blood/
%
What do you call an affectionate vagrant?

A homeless romantic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xr1gj/what_do_you_call_an_affectionate_vagrant/
%
What is Two Face's favorite type of vehicular damage?

An R.V. dent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xr070/what_is_two_faces_favorite_type_of_vehicular/
%
You know why hurricanes are named after women names?

Because they take away your car, your house and everything you got...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqxna/you_know_why_hurricanes_are_named_after_women/
%
I asked my parents for something Cuban. They got me a Che Guevara t-shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqvt4/i_asked_my_parents_for_something_cuban_they_got/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqvsp/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_out_of_the_boat/
%
little girl and boy

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqvn6/little_girl_and_boy/
%
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqvan/reporter_excuse_me_may_i_interview_you/
%
waiting on the sofa... naked.

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqv2w/waiting_on_the_sofa_naked/
%
Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xquxo/chinese_doctor_opens_his_new_clinic/
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I don't know about you, but I support capital punishment

Everyone in the capital should be punished

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xquv5/i_dont_know_about_you_but_i_support_capital/
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Why is the congress never impeaching president Trump?

because republicans insist on carrying a baby to its full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqugx/why_is_the_congress_never_impeaching_president/
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Guy calls into work sick

Boss asks "how sick are you?"
Guy:  "well I'm fucking my sister is that sick enough for you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqtb7/guy_calls_into_work_sick/
%
What do you do if you see a spaceman

Park your car, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqsnw/what_do_you_do_if_you_see_a_spaceman/
%
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqrbu/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
%
[NSFW] A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali are sitting under a tree

...A caterpillar crawls onto the Romanian's shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it. Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and asks the Somali,
"Do you want to buy a caterpillar?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqp8z/nsfw_a_romanian_a_jew_and_a_somali_are_sitting/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's a bit heavy, and other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqouc/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Did you know that Helen Keller has a playground?

Neither did she

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqmdl/did_you_know_that_helen_keller_has_a_playground/
%
You know you're a 70's kid when...

Wait, what was I saying? Where am I? Who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xql97/you_know_youre_a_70s_kid_when/
%
How much do you wanna bet

that I have a gambling problem?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqj6v/how_much_do_you_wanna_bet/
%
Why are lesbians so fast?

Because they know how to lickity split.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqhrt/why_are_lesbians_so_fast/
%
I can't believe my neighbor had the audacity to ring my doorbell at 2 in the morning.

Lucky for him though I was still up playing my bagpipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqh53/i_cant_believe_my_neighbor_had_the_audacity_to/
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So a man walks into a bar

And the warden said "dammit jim, i told you not to put the blind person in the standard jail cell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqgff/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Which part of Europe took in the most refugees?

The Mediterranean sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqe5j/which_part_of_europe_took_in_the_most_refugees/
%
"You are what you eat"

So... Does that make us all cannibals?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqcp8/you_are_what_you_eat/
%
What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all of your devices and stores all your data.
The other is standard hardware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xqaxa/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
%
Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend?

Because Sheeran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xq7zt/why_doesnt_ed_have_a_girlfriend/
%
[NSFW] A little person hits it off with a blonde at a party.

An exceptionally short, but good looking man was chatting up a tall, leggy blonde at a party.
Woman: This is you're lucky night.  I've never been with a midget and want to cross it off my list.   Let's go back to my place.
Man: Absolutely, just one thing.  I can only have sex with the lights off.
She agrees and they go back to her place.   There's just a bit of foreplay before he crawls down her, planting kisses along the way.   He gets between her legs and she feels the largest penis she's ever had in her life thrust into her.
Woman: Oh God! That's so huge!
Man: If you like that, wait until I get the other leg in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xq7wl/nsfw_a_little_person_hits_it_off_with_a_blonde_at/
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What came first, the chicken or the egg?

The Cock .... Thank you, thank you... What's that? The door's this way, have a wonderful night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xq747/what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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My teacher once told me, "Time flies."

I replied, "You can't, they're too fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xq6s6/my_teacher_once_told_me_time_flies/
%
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you're gonna hate it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xq3ru/what_do_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
%
Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xq248/prison_may_be_just_one_word/
%
I just finished connecting all of my watches together and making a belt out of it...

It was a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xq0ll/i_just_finished_connecting_all_of_my_watches/
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree

I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xq0ky/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree/
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What do you call a police officer that is in bed?

An undercover cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xpxyh/what_do_you_call_a_police_officer_that_is_in_bed/
%
Mr. Tilley is running a Christian book store in a strip mall. [Long]

And business is good. The community has been growing, both in economy and spirit, with community centers and parks, factories and research laboratories. A true mecca of modern civilization. Mr. Tilley knows everyone in town, and everyone knows him. When anyone sees him, they smile, wave, and say "Blessed day, Mr. Tilley!" To which he replied "Every day is God's grace! Peace be with you!"
Mr. Tilley's book business has done so well that he was able to move into his own standalone building. He adores this as he can decorate the entire shop and lawn with imagery related to his faith. There are crosses, statues of the Virgin Mary and little white lambs, and more. It's tasteful and pleasing even for those of other faiths.
As the years go by, other businesses start opening factories, mechanical shops, and other noisey ventures nearby, so Mr. Tilley has a 7 foot white fence installed around the property to try to keep the noise down. That way, his customers can enjoy more peace and tranquility. He even hires an artist to paint a mural on the fence depicting a blue sky with the heavenly rays of God's eternal light shining through the clouds.
And life is good.
Well, in recent years the economy, has taken a downturn, and most of the local businesses have suffered, including Mr. Tilley's bookstore. He isn't able to keep as many staff hired, and the property isn't maintained as well as previously. The fence has gotten dirty and the mural difficult to see, the statues need new paint, and the flowers and grass just aren't as trim as Mr. Tilley intended.
People are still friendly when they see Mr.Tilley, but the economic troubles have clearly taken their toll, as people's vibrancy is apparently drained from their smiles. At a town meeting, Mr. Tilley makes an announcement that he's going to reinvest at great cost into his shop, as well as donating back to some of the community centers and parks to reinvigorate the town, and asks other business owners to do the same. The town rallies behind Mr. Tilley's leadership, and dozens of other businesses file in line and make similar promises.
The town is bustling again! The streets are clean, people are happy and inspired and working vigorously to restore the town to its former state. The smiles are no longer forced, and in a few short weeks everything is looking great.
One detail is bugging Mr. Tilley though: as much as his fence has been a point of pride with the mural, he wanted it to be something new, to show exemplify the town's rebirth in biblical imagery. So he hires one of his neighbors who is a contractor to rebuild the fence. They get the details down so the contractor knows exactly what to do.
In a week, it's finished! Mr. Tilley goes to inspect it, and is concerned when he asks what happened to the debris from the old fence as he thought there should still be some rubbish to be taken for disposal. The contractor tells him that he was able to save a lot of money by using a lot of the old fence that was sturdy into the construction of the new fence. Mr. Tilley is upset, and asks why he wasn't made part of the decision.
The contractor just says "Well, we've been a big community for years, and I'm sorry but I've never had anyone complain about a repost before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xpx2n/mr_tilley_is_running_a_christian_book_store_in_a/
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What do we want? Ominous warnings! When do we want 'em?

Soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xpwtz/what_do_we_want_ominous_warnings_when_do_we_want/
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3 guys crash in the Amazon

There was an American, an Englishman, and an Australian on a plane that crashes into the Amazon.
They were the only three that survive.
Whilst figuring out what to do, they are surrounded by an angry tribe.
"We are going to kill you and make boats out of your body" says the tribal leader.
"But you get to choose how you die"
The American says "give me a gun"
The Englishman says "give me some poison"
And the Australian says "give me a fork"
So the tribe hands the American the gun and he says "see you on the other side" and shoots himself
They give the Englishman his poison to which he drinks and says "it's been a good run boys" then dies
Lastly they give the Australian the fork.
He takes it from them, hesitates for a second, then frantically begins staring himself all over his body while screaming.
"TRY BUILD A BOAT WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKERS"
I hope this isn't a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xpuu8/3_guys_crash_in_the_amazon/
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They say behind every happy man there is a woman

True. Mine has a strap-on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xpsu7/they_say_behind_every_happy_man_there_is_a_woman/
%
I once swallowed two separate pieces of string...

An hour later they came out tied together, I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xpp7i/i_once_swallowed_two_separate_pieces_of_string/
%
"You should date black guys"...

...How girls tell each other they're fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xpn2a/you_should_date_black_guys/
%
What do prisons and caps lock have in common?

They both turn "o" into "O"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xpjvl/what_do_prisons_and_caps_lock_have_in_common/
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[NSFW] Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work

...but, she had a boyfriend
One day he got so desperate he went up to her and said,
"I'll pay you 100$ if you have sex with me."
The girl looked at him shocked and said,
"Hell, no!'
He said,
"It'll be real quick, I'll throw the money on the ground, you'll
bend over to pick it up, I'll be done by the time you pick it up!"
She told him she'd have to ask her boyfriend.
So, she called him and explained the situation.
He said,
"Just pick it up really fast, he won't even be able to take his
pants down."
She agreed with this plan and hung up
30 minutes go by and the boyfriend is still waiting for her call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and said,
"What the fuck happened?"
Breathing hard, she replied,
"That bastard had all QUARTERS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xpive/nsfw_eddie_wanted_desperately_to_have_sex_with/
%
I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins...

All the lads were very impressed but one asked;
"How do you tell them apart?"
"Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xpcwx/i_was_just_boasting_at_work_about_how_im/
%
You should learn sign language

It's very handy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xpbxv/you_should_learn_sign_language/
%
What did the Muslim do when he went to the restaurant?

He ordered Allah Carte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xpax1/what_did_the_muslim_do_when_he_went_to_the/
%
What is an outlaws favourite font?

Sans-Sheriff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xp9wq/what_is_an_outlaws_favourite_font/
%
Did you know you're supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't.

I started the wife up like a fucking chainsaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xp9sl/did_you_know_youre_supposed_to_pull_anal_beads/
%
How do you catch an elephant?

First, you dig a hole and let a fire burn out in it. Then, you put peas all around it. When the elephant comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.
Compliments of my deceased grandfather for telling me this joke when I was a kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xp48i/how_do_you_catch_an_elephant/
%
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".
The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."
"A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical.
"Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job."
The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.
The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."
"A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks.
"A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xp3qk/two_men_are_walking_their_dogs_a_doberman_and_a/
%
I tried to take my dog to the gym once

But it didn't work out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xp3ll/i_tried_to_take_my_dog_to_the_gym_once/
%
Seems like there is always more than one fruit fetishist...

They come in pears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xp2ky/seems_like_there_is_always_more_than_one_fruit/
%
What did the toilet say to the other toilet?

You look flushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xp1l8/what_did_the_toilet_say_to_the_other_toilet/
%
My neighbors listen to really good music

Whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xp19i/my_neighbors_listen_to_really_good_music/
%
What do you call a disabled paedolphile?

A creepy crawly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xotu4/what_do_you_call_a_disabled_paedolphile/
%
What do you call a Roman Lion?

Italion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xos4z/what_do_you_call_a_roman_lion/
%
Scientists removed the entire left half of a guy's body

He's all right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xos2e/scientists_removed_the_entire_left_half_of_a_guys/
%
I walked into John Cena taking a shower

I think I've Cena nuff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xorl0/i_walked_into_john_cena_taking_a_shower/
%
If you're ever skydiving and your parachute doesn't deploy, you don't need to worry.

You have to rest of your life to fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xoqds/if_youre_ever_skydiving_and_your_parachute_doesnt/
%
I doubt vodka is the answer....

But it's worth a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xomtx/i_doubt_vodka_is_the_answer/
%
Elderly man stopped by police.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xomd9/elderly_man_stopped_by_police/
%
Why was the soviet union so ineffective?

Because it's leader was **Stall**in' but it's people were **Rush**an.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xogd5/why_was_the_soviet_union_so_ineffective/
%
What happened to the egg when it got sick?

It flu.
-Courtesy of my nine year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xod8x/what_happened_to_the_egg_when_it_got_sick/
%
Doctor: Sorry for the waiting.

Patient: No problem, I am patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xoce8/doctor_sorry_for_the_waiting/
%
What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A roamin' Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xobek/what_do_you_call_a_sleep_walking_nun/
%
A blind man walks into a bar.

And a table. And a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xoagr/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How does a penguin build his home?

Igloos it together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xo9t4/how_does_a_penguin_build_his_home/
%
If someone calls you a nobody, just remember

Nobody's perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xo28w/if_someone_calls_you_a_nobody_just_remember/
%
Bob Had Terrible BO...

And no matter how much he washed or scrubbed, he couldn't get rid of it. He tried hundreds of soaps and shampoos but nothing seemed to work. He showered five times a day, kept the AC on 24/7 and avoided garlic and beans like the plague, but alas people still gagged as they walked behind him.
Disheartened and down to his last few dollars, Bob walked sullenly down the street. On the corner of the block was a sign that read:
'World's Wisest Man! A solution to all your problems or your money back!'
Intrigued, Bob entered the building. After a short wait he was ushered in to a small room, where a monk with a beard curling along the ground meditated. A nameplate on the floor proclaimed the monk as Weng Li.
Before Bob could say a word, Weng Li began to speak. 'Heed my words child. I know of the issues that plague you. Take this insect and let it climb along yourself every morning.'
Bewildered, Bob took the jar containing the bug and left. Once back at home, he fell into a conflicted sleep. But, he decided, his smell had ruined his life for years. Surely even this was worth a shot?
He let the bug out and it dutifully climbed on him for a few minutes. Suddenly, he realized his smell was gone! Jumping for joy, he ran back into to town to thank Weng Li.
'Weng Li! Weng Li! I dont smell anymore! How did you know that the bug would work?!'
Weng Li smiled a small smile. 'The moment my eyes fell upon you, I knew all you needed was a deodor-ant.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xo28c/bob_had_terrible_bo/
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What's the difference between a landslide and a social justice warrior?

It takes a lot of effort to trigger a  landslide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xo1ry/whats_the_difference_between_a_landslide_and_a/
%
What do you call an arrogant criminal walking down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xnxht/what_do_you_call_an_arrogant_criminal_walking/
%
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman

SnowBalls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xnvs1/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
I cut off a finger in an accident at work

I called my wife from the hospital and told her the terrible news.
"Oh, no" she cried "Was it the whole finger?"
"No" I replied "It was the one next to it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xnpsu/i_cut_off_a_finger_in_an_accident_at_work/
%
I met a man with a nose on his forehead the other day...

He said it gave him a heightened sense of smell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xnoa7/i_met_a_man_with_a_nose_on_his_forehead_the_other/
%
Worlds Smartest President

Trump, The Pope and little Joey are all on an airplane when the pilot comes running out of the cabin yelling the plain is going to crash!!! The pilot grabs his parachute and jumps out, Trump sees that there are only two parachutes left and exclaims " I am the smartest President and I need to live!" He grabs a pack and jumps, the Pope turns to Joey and says " son I have lived a long life and I am okay meeting God." Joey smiles and replies " There's no need, the worlds smartest president took my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xnmzk/worlds_smartest_president/
%
if Newton heard someone suggest his corpse could move without an external force acting upon it...

...he would roll over in his grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xnmu9/if_newton_heard_someone_suggest_his_corpse_could/
%
In Jamaica it costs £3 for a steak pie, in Trinidad it's £2.50

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xnlcm/in_jamaica_it_costs_3_for_a_steak_pie_in_trinidad/
%
Adam was getting lonely so he asked God, “How much for a woman?” God replied, “Two arms and a leg.”

Adam then asked him, “What can I get for a rib?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xnhxp/adam_was_getting_lonely_so_he_asked_god_how_much/
%
Why do pallbearers hit the gym often?

They need to be good at deadlifts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xnd5m/why_do_pallbearers_hit_the_gym_often/
%
My friend is so vegan, he won't even have his picture taken because

he'd have to say cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xn9h0/my_friend_is_so_vegan_he_wont_even_have_his/
%
A carpenter and his apprentice are building a fence...

A carpenter and his apprentice are building a fence. Coming back from the truck, the carpenter sees his apprentice grab a nail from his box, squint at it, and throw it away over his shoulder. Then, he grabs another nail, checks it out, and hammers it into the fence. Grabs the next nail, hammers it in, but throws away the following nail. Perplexed, the carpenter goes over, points to the discarded nails, and asks, "What the hell are you doing, throwing away these nails?!"
"Well boss, half these nails have the heads on the wrong end."
"You idiot!" shouts the carpenter, "Those nails are for the other side of the fence!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xn7kv/a_carpenter_and_his_apprentice_are_building_a/
%
Something nice happened to me today.

I'm a huge metal fan in high school. During math class, a beautiful girl sat next to me. She turned me on so much but she didn't notice me though. I tried really hard to impress her and she is hot.
Now the teacher is passing back the last week's test. She looks at me and she starts smiling and playing with her hair. I'm spinning and I can't handle it.
The teacher then trips over me. I broke down and stopped spinning. The beautiful girl then frowns. I looked back at the front of the room while trying hard to keep  cool. I have no power.
The teacher plugs me in. I start spinning. I'm a huge metal fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xn5w2/something_nice_happened_to_me_today/
%
Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he didn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xn57l/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
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Your mama's so fat

When she stepped on the weighing scale the number that was displayed exceeded the 64-bit limit and went back to zero!
^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xn1pd/your_mamas_so_fat/
%
Break a mirror, 7 years of bad luck.

Break a condom, your bad luck will probably outlive you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmxho/break_a_mirror_7_years_of_bad_luck/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmu58/an_englishman_a_scotsman_an_irishman/
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I used to be addicted to hokey pokey

But I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmtr2/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_hokey_pokey/
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My girlfriend didn't believe me when I said I have the body of 20 year old

Her opinion changed when I opened the freezer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmr52/my_girlfriend_didnt_believe_me_when_i_said_i_have/
%
Why did the horny walrus become a plumber?

He wanted a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmqnv/why_did_the_horny_walrus_become_a_plumber/
%
A termite walks into a bar

He asks: " is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmnr7/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you're twelve before it comes on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmng4/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
%
My dad says I'm so bright

He calls me sun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmmv5/my_dad_says_im_so_bright/
%
Why didn't the antelopes get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmmml/why_didnt_the_antelopes_get_married/
%
I messed up today by sending a picture of my junk to everyone in my contact list.

Cost me a fortune in stamps too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmkx3/i_messed_up_today_by_sending_a_picture_of_my_junk/
%
What's a frog's favourite website?

Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmkrb/whats_a_frogs_favourite_website/
%
E times out of F

people will not get jokes in hex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmjxz/e_times_out_of_f/
%
one sucking her ice cream

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmjfk/one_sucking_her_ice_cream/
%
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday
The rest are Weakdays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmenm/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
%
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph. He's too short to be an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmd8d/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
I play a little guitar

But I'm saving up for a big one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmd1j/i_play_a_little_guitar/
%
I had a staring contest with the sun

I think I won, all I see is darkness now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xmb0x/i_had_a_staring_contest_with_the_sun/
%
A native american chief had three pregnant wives

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.
A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary.
The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xm9as/a_native_american_chief_had_three_pregnant_wives/
%
A guy visits his psychiatrist

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xm8u1/a_guy_visits_his_psychiatrist/
%
Why did the motorcycle stay at home?

It was two-tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xm8qh/why_did_the_motorcycle_stay_at_home/
%
In a great desert lived a group of nomads

Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank, due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.
After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beards, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.
When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you now remember the ancient legend, dire? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."
Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.
Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.
The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion?
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xm8kf/in_a_great_desert_lived_a_group_of_nomads/
%
The three most well known languages in India are English, Hindi, and...

JavaScript

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xm5xy/the_three_most_well_known_languages_in_india_are/
%
I told my dad that I wanted to become a man. So he made me lie down on the ground, then he sprinkled grass and seeds on my pecs.

I said, "Why are you doing this?"
He said, "It will put hares on your chest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xm52r/i_told_my_dad_that_i_wanted_to_become_a_man_so_he/
%
What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xm4ub/whats_the_difference_between_three_dicks_and_a/
%
What's the difference between slavery and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 200 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xm2kc/whats_the_difference_between_slavery_and_a_cow/
%
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xlwfq/my_wife_left_me_because_she_thinks_im_too_insecure/
%
Initially I didn't want to get a brain transplant

But I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xlvlw/initially_i_didnt_want_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
%
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it....

We went out and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xluud/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
%
Your dog loves you more than your wife does.

Want proof?  Lock them both in the trunk of your car.  Let them out an hour later and see which one is happy to see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xluq0/your_dog_loves_you_more_than_your_wife_does/
%
You know you’re a 90s kid when...

your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xlsnj/you_know_youre_a_90s_kid_when/
%
I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back..

..which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xlokl/i_suggested_to_my_wife_that_shed_look_sexier_with/
%
What type of chips suffer from allergies?

Nachoos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xllkh/what_type_of_chips_suffer_from_allergies/
%
Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."
Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."
The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.
The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xlkz3/scientists_removed_the_right_half_of_a_mans_brain/
%
I saw some leeches on a running elk.

They were hanging on for deer life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xlik8/i_saw_some_leeches_on_a_running_elk/
%
If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xlebf/if_a_muslim_beats_his_wife/
%
What did the gun feel before being fired?

Triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xlcu3/what_did_the_gun_feel_before_being_fired/
%
what do a russian say when the internet goes down?

Internyet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xl6cx/what_do_a_russian_say_when_the_internet_goes_down/
%
My patient was going to die but she refuses to undergo the surgery

I guess she made a grave mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xl4or/my_patient_was_going_to_die_but_she_refuses_to/
%
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to buy meat for them.

He asked: "By mistake?"
I said: "Oh come on, not you too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xl3ql/i_told_my_friend_people_keep_accidentally_asking/
%
I don't tell Dad jokes any more.

He went out for cigarettes and never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xl3df/i_dont_tell_dad_jokes_any_more/
%
Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.
"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.
"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love," says the electrician.
"Those are good ideas," says the dentist. "But my contribution's going to be a real surprise."
The next day the new husband comes to the diner to meet his friends. He says "I congratulate you guys for making the bed heat up and collapse, but I'm gonna kill whichever one of you put novocaine in the massage oil!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xl2j2/professional_practical_jokes_on_the_groom/
%
My wife walked in on me while watching porn

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel.. you already know how to fish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xkynw/my_wife_walked_in_on_me_while_watching_porn/
%
I've got a wobbly fence in my back yard...

My friend says some of the fence posts are dodgy. He sent me to r/jokes because he said they're good at reposting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xkt52/ive_got_a_wobbly_fence_in_my_back_yard/
%
Teacher - 'Use dandelion in a sentence'

Jamaican student - 'De cheetah is faster dandelion'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xkl5n/teacher_use_dandelion_in_a_sentence/
%
A German and a jew walk into a bar...

The German farts.
The jew starts crying and says "Not again".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xkhfh/a_german_and_a_jew_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do Lady Di and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was "The Wall"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xkao4/what_do_lady_di_and_pink_floyd_have_in_common/
%
I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep.

Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xk9u1/i_tried_rocking_my_newborn_daughter_to_sleep/
%
What do you call a sexual interaction between two trans individuals?

A transaction.
This is the only good original joke I've made in my entire life, and that's not a joke!
Haven't seen this posted elsewhere before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xk4aw/what_do_you_call_a_sexual_interaction_between_two/
%
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xk462/eminem_his_palms_are_sweaty_knees_weak_arms_are/
%
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday, the others are just weak days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xk3xl/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
%
Watching Solo die was my favorite part of The Force Awakens....

Han's down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xk11p/watching_solo_die_was_my_favorite_part_of_the/
%
What does a woman with a missing finger get at the nail salon?

10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xk110/what_does_a_woman_with_a_missing_finger_get_at/
%
A traveling salesman knocks on a door

A 10 year old kid answers holding a scotch and a cigar.
The salesman asks,
"are your parents home?"
the kid answers:
"what the fuck do you think?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xjzjg/a_traveling_salesman_knocks_on_a_door/
%
Why did the Chicken Tikka Masala cross the road?

Because it was in a curry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xjzcr/why_did_the_chicken_tikka_masala_cross_the_road/
%
My mom told me to make like a Windows 10 user

And live life on Edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xjyqs/my_mom_told_me_to_make_like_a_windows_10_user/
%
What does sex have in common with a savings account?

You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xjwef/what_does_sex_have_in_common_with_a_savings/
%
My friend reckons he's been constipated for three whole weeks.

He's so full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xjvwm/my_friend_reckons_hes_been_constipated_for_three/
%
I feel bad for Kylie Jenner...

It must be rough knowing your dad has a tighter pussy than you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xjsjq/i_feel_bad_for_kylie_jenner/
%
What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipes his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xjqzl/what_does_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumps_his/
%
A little boy asks a dealer in an alley dressed like Santa Claus,

"Santa, how do your reindeer fly?"
He replies, "With magic, of course!-
You want some magic?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xjqpw/a_little_boy_asks_a_dealer_in_an_alley_dressed/
%
Why doesn't the army have anyone named Will?

They were all fired at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xjqmu/why_doesnt_the_army_have_anyone_named_will/
%
The difference.

“You da bomb!”
“No, you da bomb!”
In America – a compliment. In the Middle East – an argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xjo40/the_difference/
%
If I was an executioner, I'd prefer to use an axe

It'd be easier to get ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xjmrv/if_i_was_an_executioner_id_prefer_to_use_an_axe/
%
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."
A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "I'm playing cards."
"Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.
His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xjkcg/little_johnny_walks_in_on_his_parents_having_sex/
%
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall

But it was his dumb asphalt…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xjjoy/my_neighbor_blamed_my_gravel_for_making_him_fall/
%
According to Johnny Depp's interview with David Letterman, he doesnt watch his own movies

lucky bastard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xjjly/according_to_johnny_depps_interview_with_david/
%
Counting CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xj8bp/counting_condoms/
%
I don't always tell dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xj3al/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
Only one man is happy about what's going on in Texas.

George Strait.
I can just picture him watching the news while singing "All my ex's live in Texas".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xizve/only_one_man_is_happy_about_whats_going_on_in/
%
A texan walks into an Irish bar

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xio30/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_bar/
%
What's Swedish Chef's evil twin's name?

Swedish Jeff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xio1c/whats_swedish_chefs_evil_twins_name/
%
Why do fish live in salt water?

Because if they lived in pepper water they would sneeze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xild2/why_do_fish_live_in_salt_water/
%
What is God's favorite puzzle?

Crosswords.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xigt4/what_is_gods_favorite_puzzle/
%
What do you call a knight encircled in enemies?

Sir Rounded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xicrq/what_do_you_call_a_knight_encircled_in_enemies/
%
What do you call a robotic politician that plays in a band?

Al Gore Rhythm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xi7gn/what_do_you_call_a_robotic_politician_that_plays/
%
So a mushroom walks into a bar, bartender immediately kicks him out

The mushroom replies "why are you kicking me out? I'm a fun-gi"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xi541/so_a_mushroom_walks_into_a_bar_bartender/
%
A man is looking for a job...

He asks his friend for advice, but explains that he doesn't want to work with women under any consequence.
His friend says:
“Well, there are two options. Either you go to the military or you do something else. If you do something else, no problem, if you go to the military, there's two options.
Either you go to the Army, or you go to the Air Force. If you go to the Army, no problem, if you go to the Air Force, there's two options.
Either you're non-combat personnel or you're combat personnel. If you're non-combat, no problem, if you're combat, there's two options.
Either you're a pilot, or you're a paratrooper. If you're a pilot, no problem, if you're a paratrooper, there's two options.
Either your parachute opens, or it doesn't. If it opens, no problem, if it doesn't there's two options.
Either you survive or you don't. If you survive, no problem, if you die, there's two options.
Either you're cremated or you're buried. If you're cremated, no problem, if you're buried, there's two options.
Either a tree grows on your grave or it doesn't. If it doesn't, no problem, if it does, there's two options.
Either that tree is felled, or it isn't. If it isn't felled, no problem. If it is, there's two options.
Either they turn it into firewood or paper. If they turn it into firewood, no problem, if they turn it into paper, there's two options.
Either it's turned into copy paper, or it's turned into toilet paper. If it's turned into copy paper, no problem, if it's turned into toilet paper, there's two options.
Either it's at the male toilets, or it's at the female toilets. If it's at the men's toilets, no problem, if it's at the women's toilets then THIS WAS ALL FOR NOTHING
P.S. I'm translating this directly from german so some parts might be a bit weird. Punctuation is a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xi1a2/a_man_is_looking_for_a_job/
%
Did you hear about the whorehouse where all the hookers quit?

The owner had to run everything by hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xht6r/did_you_hear_about_the_whorehouse_where_all_the/
%
What do you call an army of babies?

An infantry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xhrc0/what_do_you_call_an_army_of_babies/
%
Baby Gengars

Are just Gastly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xhqcw/baby_gengars/
%
Three women die in an accident together and go to heaven.

They meet god at the door, and he says "there is only one rule in heaven. Don't step on the turtles."
So they go in, and sure enough there are millions and millions of turtles on the ground, and it is near impossible not to step on one.
So the first woman accidentally steps on a turtle. Saint Peter comes and chains her hand together with the hand of the ugliest man she had seen in her life.
Later, the second woman stepped on a turtle, and Saint Peter came and chained her hand to another ugly, ugly man's hand.
The last woman was very, very careful though. She didn't step on a turtle for months. So when the 3rd month finished without her stepping on a turtle, Saint Peter came and chained her hand to a beautiful, handsome, muscular man's hand.
She says "do you know why we were chained up?"
He replies "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a turtle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xhote/three_women_die_in_an_accident_together_and_go_to/
%
A lot of people get all hot and bothered about euthanasia

But what about youth in America???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xhly7/a_lot_of_people_get_all_hot_and_bothered_about/
%
Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers?

They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xhkgc/did_you_hear_the_department_of_transportation_is/
%
Our dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type at the hospital.

As he was dying, he kept insisting for us to "Be Positive!" - but it's so hard without him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xhja0/our_dad_died_because_we_couldnt_remember_his/
%
Mother Teresa has a secret..

But it's nun of your business!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xhahq/mother_teresa_has_a_secret/
%
A guy in a plane stood up & shouted "HIJACK!" .

All passengers got scared.. From the other end of the plane a guy shouted back " HI JOHN".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xha01/a_guy_in_a_plane_stood_up_shouted_hijack/
%
Would a hurricane close it's doors in your face?

No, but a Lakewood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xh7i4/would_a_hurricane_close_its_doors_in_your_face/
%
Dairy product truck clashed and everything inside went flying out.

That's when I saw butter fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xh7gp/dairy_product_truck_clashed_and_everything_inside/
%
I finally told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xh6rt/i_finally_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her/
%
Instructions how to fall down stairs:

Step 1
Step 2
Step 4
Step 14

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xh6og/instructions_how_to_fall_down_stairs/
%
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket

You know you're not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xh6a2/arguing_with_a_woman_is_like_buying_a_lottery/
%
A white man rubs on a genie bottle....

And the Genie comes out and says,
"Man, I've been in this damn bottle for 300 years, whatever you want, you don't even have to say it, just think it and it'll happen."
The man closes his eyes,
Bam Mansion
He closes his eyes again
Bam Filled with beautiful naked women
He closes his eyes a third time
3 men in white hoods knock on his door. He answers it, they take him outside and hang him.
Later the genie is at the coffee shop talking to all the other genies, and he says to his friends.
"Man I don't get it, the first wish is always the mansion, the second wish is always women, but why on earth would this man like to be hung like a Nigga?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xh3lg/a_white_man_rubs_on_a_genie_bottle/
%
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xh30w/my_wife_told_me_i_had_to_stop_acting_like_a/
%
I saw a priest bless the water in the toilet

So this way he could take a holy shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xh2qw/i_saw_a_priest_bless_the_water_in_the_toilet/
%
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.

But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xh0tm/i_thought_about_making_a_new_condiment_that_was_a/
%
Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xh004/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_the_usa/
%
My dog's name is Karma

Because she's a bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xgznk/my_dogs_name_is_karma/
%
My wife asked me to do something new in bed

My boss asked me to come up with original ideas.
My friends asked me to play some new music.
My kids asked me to tell them new stories.
What they all dont know is that I am a member of /r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xgwp7/my_wife_asked_me_to_do_something_new_in_bed/
%
Atheists don't solve exponential equations

because they don't believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xgux1/atheists_dont_solve_exponential_equations/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippy?

Because he was too far out man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xgq9w/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_drowning_hippy/
%
I failed a biology test today, they had asked me what was commonly found in cells

Apparently black people was not the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xgmza/i_failed_a_biology_test_today_they_had_asked_me/
%
What does an old cranky person and a Slinky have in common?

Neither is much fun until you push them down some stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xgmtn/what_does_an_old_cranky_person_and_a_slinky_have/
%
Most women are turning into good drivers..

So, watch out for turning women!!!
Note: Heard it somewhere.. Just sharing for a laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xgghv/most_women_are_turning_into_good_drivers/
%
Why aren't koala bears considered bears?

I mean,they have all the koalafications

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xge8d/why_arent_koala_bears_considered_bears/
%
I like my women like i like my calzone

Folded over and stuffed with meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xg9pd/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_calzone/
%
A man died and went to heaven

As St. Peter showed him around, he couldn't help but notice all the clocks on the wall. So, being curious, he asked "What are all of these clocks for?" "Those are lie clocks. Each person on earth has one, and when you lie, the hands move. This one is mother Teresa's. It's never moved, showing that she's never lied. This is abe Lincoln's. It's moved twice showing he had told only two lies."
"That's incredible" said the man
"Where's Trump's?" he asked
"Oh it's in God's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xg95r/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
What's worse that ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xg4gu/whats_worse_that_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xg29n/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_nobel_prize/
%
Experts are now saying that Hurricane Harvey...

is the worst disaster to hit the United States since last November!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xg0wb/experts_are_now_saying_that_hurricane_harvey/
%
Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder...

Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder. While the seasoned prisoner at the top watched for guards, the new prisoner went down the ladder first and slowly. Once the ladder was clear, the seasoned prisoner slid down in just three seconds, then he scolded the new prisoner for being so slow. The new prisoner replied, "Well, look at mister con descending here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xg0l8/two_prisoners_were_escaping_down_a_ladder/
%
How did I get from Afghanistan to Iraq

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xfwlm/how_did_i_get_from_afghanistan_to_iraq/
%
What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer

A mechanical engineer builds weapons, A civil engineer builds targets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xftw4/whats_the_difference_between_a_mechanical/
%
A man walks into a library...

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah that's the one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xftrc/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
%
We had random drug testing at work today.

The pcp was my favourite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xfpft/we_had_random_drug_testing_at_work_today/
%
Little Johnny is in class giving a test.

He gets done with it way before everyone else, and now gets to sit in silence while everyone else gets done with theirs. Having nothing else to do, he idly begins doodling on the corner of his paper to kill time, and when the time's up, he hands his paper in with everyone else.
Later during the day, when the teacher sits grading everybody's papers, she notices a particularly fat and ugly fly sitting on the corner of Little Johnny's paper. Startled, she swats at it so hard, she practically destroys the entire stack of tests she has yet to grade, before realizing it's just a very life-like, talented doodle. So, like any government employed educator, she makes Little Johnny call in his father to chastise him in front of his guardian.
When Little Johnny's father comes in the next day, she tells him about how irresponsible his kid was, treating a test so flippantly, doodling on his paper which lead to so many other kids losing their grades, to which he replies, "That's nothing. Last week he drew a naked chick on the fence and I'm still pulling splinters out of my dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xforq/little_johnny_is_in_class_giving_a_test/
%
Rich Man vs Poor Man's Anniversary Gift to Wife

Two married men - one rich, one poor - are walking down the street having a chat and discover they both have upcoming wedding anniversaries.   When the topic of what gift to get their wives arises, the rich man says he's going to buy his wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes.  The poor man inquires why the rich man would choose these gifts and the rich man says if she doesn't like the jewelry, she'll be happy when she's returning the gift in her new car.  In turn, the poor man is asked the same question to which he replies some perfume and a dildo.  Rich man scratches his head and asks the poor man why these gifts.  Poor man says if she doesn't like the perfume she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xfnkb/rich_man_vs_poor_mans_anniversary_gift_to_wife/
%
Why are differential equation courses so dry?

Because the problems are all about losing liquids at varying rates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xfn1g/why_are_differential_equation_courses_so_dry/
%
I want to make a joke about hurricane Harvey

But I am scared my inbox will be flooded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xfl4j/i_want_to_make_a_joke_about_hurricane_harvey/
%
Every time I jack off, it makes me a little more of a hero.

Just think how many little Hitlers could be in each batch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xfg1m/every_time_i_jack_off_it_makes_me_a_little_more/
%
I, for one

like roman numerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xfcf8/i_for_one/
%
(NSFW) Three whores are sat in a bar..

And they are bragging to eachother about how big their pussies are.
Whore 1: My pussy is so big that i can fit my fist in!
Whore 2: Just one? My pussy is so big i can fit both my fists in!
Both whores look to the third and see that she is trying to hold herself up on the bar..
Whore 3: I think i need a wider stool..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xfbyc/nsfw_three_whores_are_sat_in_a_bar/
%
A wedding occurred in Australia

To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a humongous fight and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting "Silence in Court." The courtroom goes silent and DANNY (the best man) stands up and says, "Your honor, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The judge agrees and asks Danny to take the stand. Danny begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in an Austrailian wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says "OK."
"Well", said Danny, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song. All of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The judge responded "God, that must have hurt!"
Danny replied "HURT! He broke three of my damn fingers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xfbo6/a_wedding_occurred_in_australia/
%
Russian porn

gets me Soviet…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xfb8e/russian_porn/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It turned out ok! He woke up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xf9lv/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
%
Whats the worst thing your wife can say during sex?

Honey, I'm home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xf9fc/whats_the_worst_thing_your_wife_can_say_during_sex/
%
My wife said she is leaving me because I always mis-quote the Terminator films.

She'll be back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xf8de/my_wife_said_she_is_leaving_me_because_i_always/
%
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate

They're both cauldron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xf7tt/harry_potter_cant_tell_the_difference_between_his/
%
This is true story.

A man and his soon to be ex-wife are in court arguing over why they deserve more money than other.
The wife tells the judge "He's verbally abusive, he has called me a skank, a slut, and a whore!"
The husband responds with "Hold on a minute! I have never called her a whore, whore's make money and I dont remember seeing any income from her."
The judge couldn't hold back a slight laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xf6hy/this_is_true_story/
%
What do you call a snarky villain walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xf3nd/what_do_you_call_a_snarky_villain_walking_down/
%
Bennedict Cumberbatch just said in a press conference that he wants to do 15 years more of Sherlock!

I mean, shit, that like, 6 episodes to look forward to!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xeypu/bennedict_cumberbatch_just_said_in_a_press/
%
A farmer with an aptitude for music decided to host a music history lesson for the animals.

He gathered them all in the barn and declared, "Soon enough, I'll have proven that even animals can find appreciation in such a fine art!"
He played a flowing, melodic bar slowly on the keyboard and looked expectantly toward the animals. "This piece is moderately well known. Can anyone tell me the name? Cow?"
"Moo," said the cow.
"No," the farmer patiently replied. "Maybe that was a difficult one to start with. It's called Prelude and Fugue No. 1 in C Major." Tapping his fingers to the keys of the piano, the farmer said, "It's the first of 48 preludes and fugues in *The Well-Tempered Clavier*. Can anyone tell me the name of the composer?"
"Oink," snorted the pig lazily.
"No," the farmer replied, patience wearing thin as his hands clenched into white knuckled fists. "That's incorrect. Try again."
"Woof!" barked the dog excitedly.
"Now, you all aren't even taking this seriously!" the farmer shouted angrily. "Music is an incredible art, but an underappreciated one, and here I am, sharing my valuable knowledge with you ungrateful animals!" The farmer took a deep breath. "I'll ask one more time: Can anyone tell me who composed this piece? I'll even give you the first part of his name: Johann Sebastian..."
"Bawk!" the chicken yelled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xey26/a_farmer_with_an_aptitude_for_music_decided_to/
%
So a psychic midget smoked some weed...

He was a short high medium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xew3f/so_a_psychic_midget_smoked_some_weed/
%
If I still had every dollar I've been given

I would be a much less shitty banker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xevmx/if_i_still_had_every_dollar_ive_been_given/
%
When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xervi/when_trump_borrows_1000000_from_his_dad_its_a/
%
As a gay guy, it's been easy asking other guys on nights out if they're also gay or not...

I've never had a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xera8/as_a_gay_guy_its_been_easy_asking_other_guys_on/
%
What's the difference between America and Yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years it develops a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xepr8/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_yogurt/
%
TIL that Greeks invented sex

But Italians introduced it to women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xejt9/til_that_greeks_invented_sex/
%
Why did the F1 Racer get electrocuted after finishing 1 lap?

Because he completed the circuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xeiaw/why_did_the_f1_racer_get_electrocuted_after/
%
My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!
Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.
Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xefeq/my_7_year_old_nephew_told_this_joke_to_my_sister/
%
Never play poker with a banker.

They always have the best suits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xebp5/never_play_poker_with_a_banker/
%
Polyamory is wrong!

You can't mix Greek and Latin roots.
It's either Multiamory or Polyphilia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xe9yo/polyamory_is_wrong/
%
Are hot girls made up of oil ?

Because when I try to look at their face, my eyes slip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xe8m0/are_hot_girls_made_up_of_oil/
%
What do you call a group of people who are trying to rebuild after a major disaster?

The Detroit Tigers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xe849/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_people_who_are_trying/
%
Why Did The Queen Wear Black Gloves To Princess Diana's Funeral?

The white ones were covered in brake fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xe6za/why_did_the_queen_wear_black_gloves_to_princess/
%
If a stork brings white babies, and a crow brings black babies, what kind of bird brings no babies?

A swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xe4ci/if_a_stork_brings_white_babies_and_a_crow_brings/
%
A man notices a Mexican bookstore

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before.
He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "Fuck you!! Get out, and stay out!!"
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xe2c2/a_man_notices_a_mexican_bookstore/
%
Floppy disks are like Jesus

They died to become the icon of saving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xe22b/floppy_disks_are_like_jesus/
%
Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xdz8t/judge_why_did_you_steal_the_car/
%
What's The Difference Between People, Who Pray In Temple And People Who Pray In A Casino?

Those praying In Casino Are More Serious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xdyn6/whats_the_difference_between_people_who_pray_in/
%
I have a rare condition where I'm compelled to eat clay.

I've been shitting bricks all week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xdv2z/i_have_a_rare_condition_where_im_compelled_to_eat/
%
I’ll never forget the day I met my wife.

We were at a fancy dress party. She was standing there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat friend.
They’d gone together, dressed as the number ten. I knew there and then, she was the one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xdul4/ill_never_forget_the_day_i_met_my_wife/
%
What's the difference between a black man and HIV?

HIV stays with the kids once they're born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xdtyk/whats_the_difference_between_a_black_man_and_hiv/
%
Pink Panther's to-do list

1. To-do
2. To-do
3. To-do to-do to-do
4. To-do to-dooooo
5. To-doodoodoodoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xdph0/pink_panthers_todo_list/
%
When my wife is pregnant,her friend will touch her stomach and say "Congratz"

But my friend didn't hold my penis and say "Well Done"
Sexual equality you said eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xdp11/when_my_wife_is_pregnanther_friend_will_touch_her/
%
I saw that show, "50 Things To Do Before You Die"...

I would have thought the most obvious one was "shout for help"
~ *Jimmy Carr*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xdo73/i_saw_that_show_50_things_to_do_before_you_die/
%
"Hey son, I have a joke for you"

"Knock knock !"
"Who's there ?"
"Youra !"
"Youra who ?"
"Youra dopted !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xdm9k/hey_son_i_have_a_joke_for_you/
%
A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig.

It was his first offence and the judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy.
So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.
The man removed his cap and thanked the benevolent judge profusely, ''Thank you, your lordship."
He continued, "Honestly sir, I didn't know it was wrong to call an Honourable Minister a pig. I won't do it again. I am sorry.''
''It's okay'', said the judge, ''you may go.''
''My lord, may I ask a question, sir?''
''Feel free'' answered the judge.
''Now I know it's wrong to call an Honourable Minister a pig...
But is it also wrong to call a pig Honourable Minister?''
Amused, the judge replied, ''I don't know why you would want to address a pig as a minister.
But I don't think the pig would mind. It's not unlawful, by the way.
Yes, you may call any pig Honourable Minister.''
The man smiled and nodded, then he turned to look pointedly at the Minister and said, ''Goodbye, Honourable Minister!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xdjib/a_man_was_taken_to_court_for_calling_an/
%
What did the physicist say to the man who was about to jump off a building?

"Don't do it! You have so much potential."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xdhzh/what_did_the_physicist_say_to_the_man_who_was/
%
What does a lesbian couple do when they both have their period?

Fingerpainting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xd7mv/what_does_a_lesbian_couple_do_when_they_both_have/
%
RIP boiled water...

... you will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xd5vp/rip_boiled_water/
%
During the prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants?"

"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
This is a repost from two years ago, all credits to u/-stillborn-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xd51y/during_the_prostate_exam_i_asked_the_doctor_where/
%
you must be gay!"

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living.
The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"
"Logic," the professor reponds.
"What is that?" the neighbor inquires.
"Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"
"Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds.
"And you have children too, right?" says the professor.
"Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor.
"So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?'' proclaims the professor.
"Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"
"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if your married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!"
The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.
"What's he like?"
"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."
"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"
"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend.
"Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gay!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xd2bb/you_must_be_gay/
%
If you cut off your left arm...

... then your right hand will be left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xd0em/if_you_cut_off_your_left_arm/
%
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xcymr/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog waiting for him.

The sheepdog says: "I herded the sheep into the barn, just like you asked!"
"You sure you got them all?" The farmer replies.
"Yep! All 40 of them!" Says the sheepdog.
"40? But I only have 37 sheep." Replies the farmer.
The sheepdog answers: "I know. I rounded them up for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xctf0/a_farmer_comes_home_to_find_his_sheepdog_waiting/
%
If my ex were to be rated by ESRB

She would be Rated E for Everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xco5n/if_my_ex_were_to_be_rated_by_esrb/
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So I've been puting Viagra in my milk.

It doesn't help with the sex, but my Oreos don't go all soft anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xcleq/so_ive_been_puting_viagra_in_my_milk/
%
My Ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish

She liked to dress like herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xckgc/my_exgirlfriend_had_a_really_weird_fetish/
%
What does a suicide bomber say when he’s teaching class?

Pay attention! I’m only going to show this once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xcige/what_does_a_suicide_bomber_say_when_hes_teaching/
%
Why do riot police get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xca0h/why_do_riot_police_get_to_work_early/
%
What skill requires 90 percent arm strength and 10 percent groan noises

Tennis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xc5xc/what_skill_requires_90_percent_arm_strength_and/
%
Scotsman on an island for ten years (long)

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, “Tell me how long it’s been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years,” replies the Scotsman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och – in the name of the wee man is that good!”
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of good scotch?” she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, “Ten years.” She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, “Tis absolutely fantastic!”
At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, “Oh, sweet Jesus! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xc5kv/scotsman_on_an_island_for_ten_years_long/
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What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

"Oh, sheet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xc3ln/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can't stand fast food.
It's my first post on Reddit. Hope you like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xc3f3/why_do_the_french_like_to_eat_snails_so_much/
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If you put in 110% for your math test

You will fail it. That's not how math fucking works.
Edit : I understand that 110/100 is a thing. This is just meant to be a joke that makes you laugh when you first see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xc060/if_you_put_in_110_for_your_math_test/
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My drunk girlfriend asked me what I thought of her dancing.

I told her it was just staggering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xbzgc/my_drunk_girlfriend_asked_me_what_i_thought_of/
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xbxht/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
%
We shouldn't make jokes about women.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xbvan/we_shouldnt_make_jokes_about_women/
%
So these 2 cannibals are eating dinner.

One cannibal says, man I hate my mother-in-law. The other cannibal says, so eat the rice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xbuod/so_these_2_cannibals_are_eating_dinner/
%
Why did the princess cross the road?

She forgot to wear her seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xbu6s/why_did_the_princess_cross_the_road/
%
Two antennas got married

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xbt9z/two_antennas_got_married/
%
A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture

The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.
The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xbp6a/a_student_busts_into_a_lecture_hall_right_as_the/
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What do gay horses eat?

Horse dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xbljg/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
%
People say I'm well educated

I never went to actual school, but I significantly deepened my knowledge in the well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xbl1s/people_say_im_well_educated/
%
The Targaryens must be looking toward to Halloween...

...because they like to pump kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xbkxk/the_targaryens_must_be_looking_toward_to_halloween/
%
How do you make a bee stop bothering you?

Stare at it.
Seeing is bee leaving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xbjeg/how_do_you_make_a_bee_stop_bothering_you/
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I wanted to make a Houston joke a few days ago...

but i didn't want to be flooded with all the notifications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xbgkx/i_wanted_to_make_a_houston_joke_a_few_days_ago/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. So The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xbc8a/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
How did the vegetable die?

He artichoked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xbbs4/how_did_the_vegetable_die/
%
Did you hear about the two guys that got caught stealing a calendar?

They each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xb8tw/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_that_got_caught/
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I've always wanted to be a mirror salesman

It's just something I could see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xaxw1/ive_always_wanted_to_be_a_mirror_salesman/
%
What would be a great way to break the ice?

An undead dragon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xawoz/what_would_be_a_great_way_to_break_the_ice/
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If a parachute fails while skydiving, don't worry!

You have plenty of time. You have the rest of your entire life to fix it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xave0/if_a_parachute_fails_while_skydiving_dont_worry/
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Jokes are kind of like sausages

The wurst ones are the best

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xath0/jokes_are_kind_of_like_sausages/
%
So theres a rich arabian prince driving through a foreign country and he's passing through some farmland and sees a farmer leaning on a post so he decides to stop and have a chat.

Is this your land? He asks the farmer. Yep, from that post down to the river. Responds the farmer. The prince smiles and says, on my land i can get in my car and drive the whole day and not see the other side! And the farmer says:
Yeah i had a car like that once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xat5a/so_theres_a_rich_arabian_prince_driving_through_a/
%
What do sex and church have in common?

My wife falls asleep during both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xao0n/what_do_sex_and_church_have_in_common/
%
What is a lion's favorite period of American History?

The Roaring Twenties!!
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xamcw/what_is_a_lions_favorite_period_of_american/
%
It is said diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xal1i/it_is_said_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
I was having trouble writing my farewell speech...

A guy said, "If you give me $20 I'll write the speech for you."
I said, "That's a good buy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xakaz/i_was_having_trouble_writing_my_farewell_speech/
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A woman and her neighbor are on her roof in Houston waiting for rescue

While they're waiting, the neighbor notices a baseball cap floating through the flood waters.  Suddenly, to her surprise, the baseball cap turns around and starts floating the other way.  After going some ways, it turns around and floats back again.  She observes this going on for some time, back and forth in a pattern, until she decides to point it out.
"Do you see that baseball cap?  Isn't that the strangest thing you've ever seen?"
"Oh, that?" replies the woman.  "That's my husband.  I told him he's mowing the lawn today come hell or high water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xahb3/a_woman_and_her_neighbor_are_on_her_roof_in/
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Where does Benedict Arnold get his groceries?

Traitor Joe's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xagjb/where_does_benedict_arnold_get_his_groceries/
%
What fruit has an arranged marriage?

A cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xafwk/what_fruit_has_an_arranged_marriage/
%
Why did the cops arrest the big empty room?

It was so spacious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xafsp/why_did_the_cops_arrest_the_big_empty_room/
%
Everyone keeps saying that my dog is a good boy

They clearly don't know that she's a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xaf5n/everyone_keeps_saying_that_my_dog_is_a_good_boy/
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Just found out that ‘Aaarrrrggghhh’ is not a real word.

I can’t even tell you how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xaeh6/just_found_out_that_aaarrrrggghhh_is_not_a_real/
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What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xae3l/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
What do you call a midget fortune teller chased by the police?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xad23/what_do_you_call_a_midget_fortune_teller_chased/
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What was the anthem of Saudi Arabia's first LGBT pride parade?

We Will Rock You.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xac8g/what_was_the_anthem_of_saudi_arabias_first_lgbt/
%
I went cow tipping in a marijuana field

The steaks were high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xac7l/i_went_cow_tipping_in_a_marijuana_field/
%
The problem with Iron Fist...

The problem with Netflix's Iron Fist show is pretty simple.
See, Marvel is trying to be diverse not just in front of the camera, but behind it. They want to really show respect for the communities their characters are drawn from.
So Jessica Jones is a woman, and they made an effort to involve creators who were women. Luke Cage is black, so they made an effort to involve creators who were black.
Unfortunately, Danny Rand is a fucking moron, so...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xaahs/the_problem_with_iron_fist/
%
When I was in college I got my first job as a bartender...

...during orientation the manager told me about some of the regulars including Doctor John. He said Doctor John would come in every Thursday and order the same thing, 2 maple daiquiri's. It was pretty simple to make, some white rum, lime juice and maple syrup.
So my first Thursday shift arrived and Doctor John came in and ordered his 2 maple daiquiri's, drank them, then he left.
Then the next week he came in and ordered the same thing. I go to make the daiquiri's but when I go to add the syrup I see that there is a problem, there's no maple syrup. I looked around and found some hickory syrup and thought since they are both woods that it would be a good substitute. So I add the syrup and give the drink to Doctor John, he takes 1 sip, spits it out and says 'that's not a maple daiquiri.' I said: 'No, that's a hickory daiquiri Doc.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xa9a2/when_i_was_in_college_i_got_my_first_job_as_a/
%
I just started working out and taking supplements

Am feeling whey better now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xa82r/i_just_started_working_out_and_taking_supplements/
%
When you go off gluten...

...you really go against the grain!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xa7fu/when_you_go_off_gluten/
%
I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.

His eyes welled up with tears and then he gave me and my brother a big hug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xa78d/i_told_my_dad_to_embrace_his_mistakes/
%
The statement "You are what you eat" isn't really true.

If you eat a vegetarian, you probably aren't a vegetarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xa6ku/the_statement_you_are_what_you_eat_isnt_really/
%
Oxygen and Potassium went on a date.

It went OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xa561/oxygen_and_potassium_went_on_a_date/
%
Jim Jones was the best boxer in the world...

He knocked out over 900 people with one punch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6xa1nh/jim_jones_was_the_best_boxer_in_the_world/
%
I went to the sperm clinic today

the receptionist asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup...
I said, "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x9zzv/i_went_to_the_sperm_clinic_today/
%
Going to the Doctor

A man has been feeling a terrible aching feeling in his gut, and recently upon checking it in the shower, he thought he felt a lump! So the man immediately schedules an appointment to go to the doctor's. The following week, at the doctor's office, the doctor inspects the area, and asks the man several questions. After thinking for awhile, the doctor just says, “I see.”
“So, what do you think Doc?! It's not cancer is it?!”
“No, it's definitely not cancer, don't worry.”
“Eh, how can you be so sure?! If not that, then what is it?”
“It's just a simple ganglion. It'll go away eventually, but if the pain becomes too much, I can remove it for you.”
“Simple?! But it hurts so much and I've never even heard of that…Are you sure it isn't cancer doc?”
“Alright alright, hold on.”
After saying those words, the doctor walks out of the room, and after several minutes he returns with a Black Labrador. He points to the man and the Labrador comes up to him and sniffs the man briefly. Afterwards, it sits on its haunches, and shakes it's head. The doctor pets the dog then leads it out of the room. After another moment, the doctor returns with a cat and he again points to the man. The cat goes up to the man, jumps on the table and sniffs him just like the dog. Afterwards, the cat also sits on its haunches, shakes it's head, then jumps off the table and walks out of the room. The man sits there, bewildered, but the doctor seeing this merely responds, “As you can see, I can guarantee you that you absolutely, 100%, do not have cancer.”
“Alright then, thank you doc,” the man says skeptically, “but when can I get this g-gayn-ganglion thing removed?”
“Yes, ganglion, and I'll schedule an appointment to have it removed next week. Just try not to stress that area of your body. And some simple pain killers should help you deal with it.”
Afterwards the doctor goes to his desk and begins writing some things down. Then he hands the paper to the man, and the man inspects it. He can't read the doctor's scribbles, but at the bottom, some numbers catch his eye.
“$320?! What the hell?! Why is it $320 just for you to tell me that I don't have cancer?!”
“Well, I was originally gonna charge you $20 for the visit, but since you didn't believe me, I had to charge you $300 for the lab report and the cat scan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x9yfn/going_to_the_doctor/
%
A cop pulls over a man with 20 penguins in the backseat

He lets him off with a warning and asks him to take them to the zoo.
Next day, he again pulls him over and the penguins are still in the car.
"Didn't I tell you to take them to the zoo yesterday?! Why are you still driving them around?"
"I did take them to the zoo yesterday." says the man. "Today I am taking them to the movies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x9vpw/a_cop_pulls_over_a_man_with_20_penguins_in_the/
%
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr Frankenstein.

I’m only trying to make a living.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x9u1n/people_keep_asking_me_why_im_working_for_dr/
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I like my beer like I like my violence;

Domestic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x9tfk/i_like_my_beer_like_i_like_my_violence/
%
Mile High Club

Airplane pilot comes on the intercom and says "folks, to save the lives of the other 127 people on this plane, 3 of you will have to jump."
Everyone looks around and finally a Frenchman stands up and says "in the name of France, I'll jump. Viva la France!" And he jumps out of the plane.
Next minute an Englishman stands up and says "in the name of England, I'll jump. God save the queen!" And he jumps.
Finally, a big guy stands up and says "I'm from Texas. And in the name of Texas..." he walks to the back of the plane, picks up a Mexican, and throws him from the plane. "Remember the Alamo."
Worst part is, poor little guy was Hawaiian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x9mbi/mile_high_club/
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The first three states of matter are liquid, solid, and gas. What are four and five?

Nine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x9m23/the_first_three_states_of_matter_are_liquid_solid/
%
What does an epileptic person eat?

Seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x9lem/what_does_an_epileptic_person_eat/
%
I’ve just watched a distressing film on how African children have to walk up to ten miles to bring water to their village.

I think it was far fetched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x9jxh/ive_just_watched_a_distressing_film_on_how/
%
A Scrabble game got dumped all over the interstate highway.

That's the word on the street at least.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x9gdf/a_scrabble_game_got_dumped_all_over_the/
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Budweiser is like having sex in a canoe...

It's fucking close to water!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x9b8l/budweiser_is_like_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
%
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," the man said, emerging from the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably" came the reply from the other room "that I married you for your money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x9b17/its_just_too_hot_to_wear_clothes_today/
%
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth

The IRS still wants to fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x9agf/the_difference_between_cheating_on_your_wife_and/
%
I have a new recipe that's gluten free, sugar free, no-fat, non-GMO, pesticide free, low-calorie, vegan, kosher and paleo-friendly.

It's a real breath of fresh air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x968h/i_have_a_new_recipe_thats_gluten_free_sugar_free/
%
An Italian, a Mexican, and a Blonde American are working construction.

The three men eat lunch together each day at the top of the building they are constructing.
The Italian opens his lunchbox and exclaims  "Seriously!? Spaghetti again? If my wife packs this one more time, I swear I'm jumping off this building."
The Mexican opens his too. "Tacos again? I'm with you. I'm jumping tomorrow if it happens again."
The blonde opens up his lunch box and pulls out a PB&J sandwich.  "Another PB&J!" He cries. "I'm jumping tomorrow too if I get a PB&J in my lunch again."
The next day, the Italian opens his lunch, pulls out a tupperware of spaghetti, and jumps to his death. The Mexican pulls out a bag of tacos, and immediately follows the Italian off of the building. The Blonde pulls out a PB&J, sighs, and jumps to his death as well.
A few days later at the funeral, the Italian and Mexican's wives are in tears. Both exclaim that if they had known, they would have packed something different and the men would still be alive. The women notice the wife of the Blonde, standing there and not shedding a tear.
They ask the wife of the Blonde "How can you not be upset? Your husband is dead because he kept getting the same food!"
The wife of the blonde replies "Don't look at me. He packed his own lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x95dm/an_italian_a_mexican_and_a_blonde_american_are/
%
What kind of elephant just doesn't matter at all?

The answer is irrelephant...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x923u/what_kind_of_elephant_just_doesnt_matter_at_all/
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What's the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs dont turn into men when drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x8y1k/whats_the_difference_between_men_and_pigs/
%
A broken down car:

It takes one to no one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x8xxq/a_broken_down_car/
%
What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x8xjv/whats_the_difference_between_a_pile_of_dead/
%
A girl with a lithp goes to a doctor.

The doctor puts his stethoscope on her chest and says "big breaths."  The girl beams proudly and says "Yeth!  I am only thixteen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x8uld/a_girl_with_a_lithp_goes_to_a_doctor/
%
My daughters boyfriend is so kind

When he took her virginity he said "sorry sir, it won't happen again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x8nvl/my_daughters_boyfriend_is_so_kind/
%
Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50. Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x8jr6/chinese_takeout_1500_gas_to_get_there_150_getting/
%
I accidentally ate a handful of scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x8fr2/i_accidentally_ate_a_handful_of_scrabble_tiles/
%
How can you cover a dozen holes with a single hole?

Shove a flute up your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x8blm/how_can_you_cover_a_dozen_holes_with_a_single_hole/
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I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trigonometry, I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x8aqn/ill_do_algebra_ill_do_trigonometry_ill_even_do/
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A couple is walking together in East Berlin on Christmas Eve..

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x8aj8/a_couple_is_walking_together_in_east_berlin_on/
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Its not a repost

My friend and I came up with a joke and raced to see who could post it first. I just lost by 2 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x87jt/its_not_a_repost/
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It used to be called a jumpoline

Until your mom got on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x87j7/it_used_to_be_called_a_jumpoline/
%
What do you call the end of Ramadan?

Ramadusk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x82j1/what_do_you_call_the_end_of_ramadan/
%
I used to hate my mole.

But you know what? It's growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7yju/i_used_to_hate_my_mole/
%
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7yf2/if_you_have_a_bee_in_your_hand_what_do_you_have/
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Voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7wil/voluptuous_woman_went_to_a_gynecologist/
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What is the worst STD of all?

Parenthood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7w3a/what_is_the_worst_std_of_all/
%
I witnessed a Mexican Standoff the other day.

It was Juan v Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7vn6/i_witnessed_a_mexican_standoff_the_other_day/
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Someone knocked on my door and asked if I had found Jesus

I explained it wasn't my turn to watch him this time, and they really should have used bigger nails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7v7c/someone_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_if_i_had/
%
My latest trick is turning big plates into small ones.

It’s saucery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7ubr/my_latest_trick_is_turning_big_plates_into_small/
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I was in a taxi and the driver said “I love my job. I’m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!”

I said “That’s really great, now take a left here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7thb/i_was_in_a_taxi_and_the_driver_said_i_love_my_job/
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The Hardest Part About Breaking Up With A Japanese Girl?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7t8l/the_hardest_part_about_breaking_up_with_a/
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I wasn't very close to my father when he died

which is good because he stepped on a landmine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7t7b/i_wasnt_very_close_to_my_father_when_he_died/
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What do you call a salmon that's wearing a tie?

Sofishticated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7t43/what_do_you_call_a_salmon_thats_wearing_a_tie/
%
A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"

"Aye aye! " responds the first mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7rlr/a_pirate_captain_asks_his_first_mate_find_out/
%
Why do thieves prefer to steal Android phones over iPhones?

Because they like to Hangout and not FaceTime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7mbe/why_do_thieves_prefer_to_steal_android_phones/
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30 years ago I asked the love of my life to go out with me, today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7lf5/30_years_ago_i_asked_the_love_of_my_life_to_go/
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My son Anakin loves that I named all of our children after Star Wars characters

My daughter Chewbacca, however, is less thrilled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7k06/my_son_anakin_loves_that_i_named_all_of_our/
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What are those spinny things that smaller airplanes use to move?

Props to whoever can answer this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7itt/what_are_those_spinny_things_that_smaller/
%
I had a threesome last night

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7idt/i_had_a_threesome_last_night/
%
What does a nosy pepper do?

Get's jalapeno business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7go5/what_does_a_nosy_pepper_do/
%
What do you call 10^12 bulls?

Terrabull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7dr6/what_do_you_call_1012_bulls/
%
What's Hitler's favorite spa treatment?

Ethnic cleansing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7cxv/whats_hitlers_favorite_spa_treatment/
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This food has been proven to drastically reduce or even eliminate sex drive in a significant percentage of women.

It's wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7cbg/this_food_has_been_proven_to_drastically_reduce/
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I'm never going to get married again

Instead I'm just going to find a woman I really don't like and buy her a house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7c3v/im_never_going_to_get_married_again/
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Wife : Honey before we got married , you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelry.

Husband : Yes…so ?
Wife : How come you don’t do it anymore ?
Husband : Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x79lm/wife_honey_before_we_got_married_you_used_to_give/
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Stephen Hawking recently released his most recent book. He has spent the last 15 years writing it.

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x76jc/stephen_hawking_recently_released_his_most_recent/
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The worst thing about a prostate exam is...

...when he finds out you're not a real doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x75uk/the_worst_thing_about_a_prostate_exam_is/
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What happens if you hold two yellow balls?

You'll get the undivided attention of Big Bird!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x74x1/what_happens_if_you_hold_two_yellow_balls/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x7220/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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I've dated a lot of fat kleptomaniacs in my time.

But this one takes the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x71c7/ive_dated_a_lot_of_fat_kleptomaniacs_in_my_time/
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Bunga Bunga

Two adventurers were captured by a tribe in the jungle.
The chief asked the first one: "Decide your fate: Death or Bunga Bunga"
He answered: "I choose Bunga Bunga" and was raped by the whole tribe.
So the chief asked the second adventurer: "Death or Bunga Bunga".
He answered: "I choose death"
The chief: "Well, so it shall be. Death by Bunga Bunga!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x70mw/bunga_bunga/
%
What's an African's favourite type of tea?

Poverty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x6vh1/whats_an_africans_favourite_type_of_tea/
%
A cowboy goes down to the stable

He lifts his horse's tail, and plants a kiss smack dab on the horses butthole. Another cowboy sees this and yells, "What the hell are you doing?" He replies, "I've got chapped lips." The other cowboy asks, "Does that help?" "Nope," he answers, "It just keeps me from licking them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x6spi/a_cowboy_goes_down_to_the_stable/
%
Hold him, he need some attention.

Herb decided to propose to Jill, but prior to her acceptance; Jill felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity, too.
Herb looked Jill in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem.  My willy is the same size as a newborn, I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your newborn size willy."
Jill and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.  Herb whisked Jill off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.
As Jill put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room.
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your willy was the size of a newborn infant!"
"Yes, it is…7 pounds, 8 ounces, and 17 inches long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x6s2v/hold_him_he_need_some_attention/
%
Someone asked me what the largest state in the US is...

...I told them I don't know but I know a girl who might so Alaska.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x6mbl/someone_asked_me_what_the_largest_state_in_the_us/
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What did the left cheek say to the right cheek?

If we stick together we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x6jb7/what_did_the_left_cheek_say_to_the_right_cheek/
%
Chuck Norris' Daughter Lost her Virginity

... he got it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x6de1/chuck_norris_daughter_lost_her_virginity/
%
What comes after the engagement ring and the wedding ring?

The suffer ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x6cai/what_comes_after_the_engagement_ring_and_the/
%
Thankfully, someone created an online resource for everyone who suffered retinal damage watching the solar eclipse.

It truly is a site for sore eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x6c52/thankfully_someone_created_an_online_resource_for/
%
why are your feet famous?

because they're legends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x698s/why_are_your_feet_famous/
%
What do you call a rooster looking at a piece of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x6969/what_do_you_call_a_rooster_looking_at_a_piece_of/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x67oe/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
What do you call a bunch of swords that go around fucking people without their consent?

Rapiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x67ae/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_swords_that_go_around/
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Man walks into a restaurant with an Ostrich...[Long]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!''
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly.
The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x659u/man_walks_into_a_restaurant_with_an_ostrichlong/
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Budum dum crash

If a drummer quits band, but comes back later, would there be repercussions?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x653y/budum_dum_crash/
%
What's red and green and goes 50 miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x64xv/whats_red_and_green_and_goes_50_miles_an_hour/
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Why doesn't George R.R. Martin use Twitter?

Because he killed all 140 characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x63ls/why_doesnt_george_rr_martin_use_twitter/
%
I got an invitation to a black-tie-only wedding

But when i showed up everyone were wearing tuxedos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x635w/i_got_an_invitation_to_a_blacktieonly_wedding/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

The guy asks, “What’s this about?”
The bartender replies, “Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone’s drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?”
The guy replies, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x62jp/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_3_pieces_of_meat/
%
A length of rope walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says “get out, we don’t serve ropes in here!”
The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends.
He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “hey, aren’t you that rope I just kicked out?”
And the rope replied “no, I’m a frayed knot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x601f/a_length_of_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My daughter lost her first tooth today!

That'll teach that little brat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x5zig/my_daughter_lost_her_first_tooth_today/
%
TIFU by giving my boyfriend his first facial.

I probably should have told him I had a dick before that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x5y1d/tifu_by_giving_my_boyfriend_his_first_facial/
%
A new report states that paedophiles need re-educating.

What a great idea, paedophiles going back to school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x5x59/a_new_report_states_that_paedophiles_need/
%
If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter

Then how come they lost the Cold War?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x5wpb/if_russia_is_so_good_at_defeating_its_enemies_in/
%
If Matt Groening wanted to announce he wanted to do an Ask Me Anything...

Would he say Future-AMA?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x5w4o/if_matt_groening_wanted_to_announce_he_wanted_to/
%
Infamous Juan Joke

There once was a guy named Juan. He was a really nice guy....didn't beat his wife, didn't beat his kids, didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. He lived in a small country in South America. Juan lived a simple life, and was simply happy.
One day, he was sitting in a coffeeshop with a few friends, when the topic of the election for mayor came up. One of his friends said 'Hey Juan, why don't you run? You're a really great guy!' Juan smiled and thanked his friends for their kindness, but they were persistant, as they should be...he was a great candidate and a great guy; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Juan reluctantly agreed, and posted a few signs out to announce his candidacy; he thought of it as kinda a joke Well, as it turned out, when word got around that Juan was running, his popularity grew fast. 'Wow, Juan is running?' 'What a great guy!' 'I heard he doesn't beat his wife, or his kids!' 'Yeah, nor the aarvark in the backyard!' Well, to nobodies surprise (except Juan), he won by a landslide (the other candidate was Oliver North), and was sworn into office with a very surprised look on his face. Well, he saw that there was do getting out of it, so he decided to do his best.
And his best was quite good. The town prospered like it never had before. The crime for the year consisted of someone dropping a lollipop stick on the sidewalk. He spent 6% of the budget, and donated the rest to the Dum Fiters Relief Fund. The townspeople were ecstatic, and his performance turned a lot of heads. Everyone in the town was thrilled with Juan as mayor; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Well, at the end of the year, with his term almost up, Juan was pretty pooped. As he sat in the coffeeshop with his friends, reflecting on the year, one suggested that, despite the town's success, the province was in some financial trouble. 'Heck, with Juan's record, he should be governor!' another smiled. Juan wondered why everyone's eyes lit up suddenly. Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had been in the lead since the week he had entered. Governer Juan sat back in his padded chair and went to work once again.
His record was brilliant for the two years he spent as governor. The crime rate fell by 2/3, the budget was balanced, education rose sharply, and the province's Soccer Team sold out every game that Juan attended (he was a big Soccer Buff). The whole country was now buzzing with Juan;s work. Everyone commented how he was such a great guy, how he didn't beat his wife, how he didn't beat his kids, and how he didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. Then the President was shot. This meant that they needed a new president. Normally, they would turn to the vice-president, except for the fact in this case was that the vice-president was the murderer. Hmm. The Governors got together to decide on a new President for the remaining three years of the term. Each one walked into the room with a mailsack full of letters, all of which has similar messages: 'Juan for President!' 'Let Juan preside as President!' 'How can you not select Juan? He doesn't beat his wife, doesn't beat his kids, and doesn't beat the aardavrk in the backyard? What else do you want?' To make a very long story not quite as long, Juan was quickly named president, and the country was glad he did. The country prospered; new trade agreements were made, old disputes were settled, and there was peace throughout the country. Juan was a national hero. One day Juan came home from work exhausted. He put his briefcase down and plopped down in his easy chair. His mind was racing, but he was exhausted. He couldn't concentrate...pressure from everyone...lobbiests want this...governors want that....everyone wants this and that and acccccckkkkk!!!!!! Juan looked out the window into the backyard. As usual, the aardvark was out there slurping up ants. Wander....wander....sluuuurp! Wander.....wander....sluuuurp! The monotonous repetition snapped something in Juan's mind. A sudden rage built up inside of him, something evil and uncontrollable. He stood Unfortunatelty for Juan, his neighbour heard the CRACKs and quickly moved the telescope from Juan's upstairs window, where his daughter was undressing, down to the yard, and witnessed the brutal attack. He immediately phoned the police, and within hours, Juan was behind bars, the aardvark rushed to the hospital, and the telescope back up to the upstairs window. The country was horrified, and the citizens called for nothing less than the usual penalty given out for this type of crime....death by firing squad. It was granted, and the punishment was to be carried out swiftly. Juan stood there, broken and insane.
The firing squad levied their guns at him. 'Ready.......' 'Aim.........' Suddenly, and without warning, the aardvark leapt from the shadows, aimed at Juan and fired a golf gun. The shot boomed throughout the town, and the shot itself went clear through Juan's heart and out his back.
You may be asking yourself in between sobs what a golf gun is? This in itself is the morale of the story....
The answer...well, I don't know. But it sure made a hole-in-Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x5tn6/infamous_juan_joke/
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x5ocv/a_woman_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
%
What's the similarity between sodomy and broccoli?

Even with butter, children will still not like them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x5nul/whats_the_similarity_between_sodomy_and_broccoli/
%
A plane is about to crash..

A plane is about to crash. The white woman begins to put make up on... everyone asks her what she is doing. She says its because everyone looks for the prettiest woman first. An asian woman stuffs a bunch of money into her clothes, someone asks her what she is doing... She says that they always look for the richest people first. The black woman takes off her pants, then her panties... everyone yells "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" The black woman replies, "They always look for the black box first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x5lv2/a_plane_is_about_to_crash/
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What do a bag of Lay's potato chips and the Milky Way have in common?

They're both mostly empty space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x5l07/what_do_a_bag_of_lays_potato_chips_and_the_milky/
%
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x52ni/what_did_adam_say_on_the_day_before_christmas/
%
I was going to tell a joke about quantum mechanics

but even though its funny, it's also unfunny at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x4xgx/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_quantum_mechanics/
%
A man walks into a shop and sees a very handsome dog

He asks the shop assistant, “Does your dog bite?”
“No, my dog doesn’t bite.”
The man happily tries to pet the dog, but the dog attacks him viciously. A little later he stumbles to the shop clerk, “Hey, you said your dog doesn’t bite!”
The shop clerk shrugs, “He doesn’t. But that wasn’t my dog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x4x5g/a_man_walks_into_a_shop_and_sees_a_very_handsome/
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How did the Tinder user get stuck on a date with a neo-Nazi?

She swiped alt-right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x4v3l/how_did_the_tinder_user_get_stuck_on_a_date_with/
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I hate all the political correctness these days, I can't even say "black paint" anymore.

Now I have to say "Tyrone please paint the fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x4utx/i_hate_all_the_political_correctness_these_days_i/
%
Three men crash on a small, tropical island.

They discover a tribe of cannibals, and are quickly captured and brought to the chief. The chief says that he will spare any person who can fit 20 of the same kind of fruit in their ass without making a sound. They are allowed to forage, and the first man comes back with 20 apples. Despite all of his efforts, he can only cram 10 in before yelping with pain. He is then quickly killed and his spirit ascends to heaven. The second man comes back with 20 blueberries. He is doing quite well, but after 15 blueberries, he emits a noise, and is also killed and goes to heaven. While there, he meets the first man, who says "Dude, you had blueberries, you could've done it. Why did you make a sound?" The second man replied "I was laughing. I saw the other come with pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x4rg6/three_men_crash_on_a_small_tropical_island/
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Dark humor is like food

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x4piv/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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A birch tree and a beech tree grow up next to each other...

They're the best of friends and talk all the time.  One day a sapling starts growing right in between the two of them, and as the years go by they continue to argue whether it's a birch or beech tree.  "It's a son of a beech."  "No, it's a son of a birch."  Back and forth for years upon years.  Finally a woodpecker lands on the beech tree and the beech tree says to the woodpecker "Hey, you really know your trees, right?  Could you fly down to that little tree between us and tell us what type of tree it is?"  The woodpecker flies down and does his thing.  He flies back up and replies "Son of a birch, son of a beech?  I don't know where you trees got that idea, but that is the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x4mkm/a_birch_tree_and_a_beech_tree_grow_up_next_to/
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Whats the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife?

The man buying a lottery ticket actually has a chance of winning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x4lsb/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_buying_a/
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Whats the funniest bone in the body?

The HUMOURUS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x4kzx/whats_the_funniest_bone_in_the_body/
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What do you call a row of rabbits jumping backwards?

A receding hare line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x4jab/what_do_you_call_a_row_of_rabbits_jumping/
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How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Must be more than 9 cause my basement is still dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x4i05/how_many_dead_babies_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What did elephant say to his girlfriend?

"I love you a ton"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x4hq7/what_did_elephant_say_to_his_girlfriend/
%
Doctor prescribed me LSD for my constipation

Thought it was a strange until on the way home i saw a dragon and shit myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x4aol/doctor_prescribed_me_lsd_for_my_constipation/
%
An SEO expert walks into a bar,

bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x490c/an_seo_expert_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two potatoes are standing on a corner, how do you know which ones the prostitute?

It has a sticker " Idaho".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x45l6/two_potatoes_are_standing_on_a_corner_how_do_you/
%
A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends and he agrees.

Later on, he over-hears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter's friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was.
The daughter replied, "Oh, about 3 days ago."
Her dad bursts into the room and screams, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x44k1/a_daughter_asks_her_dad_if_she_can_have_a/
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Phantom Pregnancy

I recently learned that goats can have what's called a "phantom pregnancy." It's when their body thinks it's pregnant when it isn't.
I kid you not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x3w83/phantom_pregnancy/
%
Frank's been drinking too much at the dinner party and decides to give a toast to his wife

"To my wife, the love of my life, and the sexiest woman I know. But it's too bad only one of those three is here tonight!"
There was a burst of laughter from the crowd, but Frank's wife took it in stride, raising here glass for a toast of her own.
"To my husband, a good provider, and the father of my children. Too bad only one of those could make it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x3v6m/franks_been_drinking_too_much_at_the_dinner_party/
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I can catch deer with either hand.

I'm Bambidextrous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x3s7w/i_can_catch_deer_with_either_hand/
%
The Indian that never forgets.

Once a man was traveling through the west on vacation, when he saw a sign that said, "Meet the Indian Who Never Forgets, Next Exit". Well, being curious, the man stops at the attraction to see the Indian. He asks the man, "What did you have for breakfast on June 9, 1978?" The Indian replies "Eggs!"
Well, everyone has eggs for breakfast, this guy is a charlatan, the man thinks.
10 years later, the same man is on vacation again, and sees the sign for the Indian again. He thinks what the heck, I'll stop in and see him.
When the man approaches the Indian, he holds up his hand and says, "How!"
The Indian replies, "Scrambled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x3p05/the_indian_that_never_forgets/
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Did you hear about the doctor who became a cop?

He made sure everyone got their shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x3nd2/did_you_hear_about_the_doctor_who_became_a_cop/
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Jack or Jill

A small business owner had money problems and had to let an employee go, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then the he thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the owner decided to see who  took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Finally, he thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing, but Jill eventually made her way the coat rack and the owner went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x3kxp/jack_or_jill/
%
Why does Karl Marx hate Earl Grey?

Because all proper tea is theft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x3jx1/why_does_karl_marx_hate_earl_grey/
%
When is D-Day?

Everyday when you are stuttering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x3h0l/when_is_dday/
%
What do women and screen doors have in common?

The more you bang them, the looser they get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x3geu/what_do_women_and_screen_doors_have_in_common/
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What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x3ftj/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass

I guess I've hit Rock Bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x3fkl/i_slapped_dwayne_johnsons_ass/
%
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x375q/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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Nobody knew what hydroxide was, so I explained it to them.

They all just said, "OH."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x33v4/nobody_knew_what_hydroxide_was_so_i_explained_it/
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Two guys drinking at the bar...

Bubba: "You know, I've never understood what dilemma is.."
Jimmy: Let me give you an example. Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you.
To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."
Bubba: So where's the dilemma?"
Jimmy: To whom do you turn your back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x32bg/two_guys_drinking_at_the_bar/
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In light of some recent idiotic questioning by reporters

A man is interviewed after his wife was swept away in a flood. The reporter asks "Were you close with your wife?" He responds, "No, we drifted apart recently."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x2s4d/in_light_of_some_recent_idiotic_questioning_by/
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I love Peter Pan jokes

they never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x2qzi/i_love_peter_pan_jokes/
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There was a contortionist competition being held

So I entered myself, and won

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x2qwb/there_was_a_contortionist_competition_being_held/
%
I like the smell of mothballs.

But it can sometimes be hard getting their little legs apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x2qiw/i_like_the_smell_of_mothballs/
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I made a belt out of $20 bills.

It's a waist of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x2q5c/i_made_a_belt_out_of_20_bills/
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You could say I have the heart of a lion...

I also have a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x2kgv/you_could_say_i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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They should build the wall with Hillary's emails

Because nobody can get over them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x2j3o/they_should_build_the_wall_with_hillarys_emails/
%
Two overachievers walk into a bar

Clearly the bar wasn't set high enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x2gx2/two_overachievers_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do a cigarette and a squirrel have in common?

They're both harmless until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x2gnx/what_do_a_cigarette_and_a_squirrel_have_in_common/
%
A boy asks his mom, "how are babys made?"

She replies "well honey, a stork delivers it to us!"
And the boy asks "yeah but who fucks the stork?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x2g6n/a_boy_asks_his_mom_how_are_babys_made/
%
When a fly drops three inches...

Once upon a time there was a fly flying just above a lake, in that lake there was a fish thinking 'if that fly drops three inches ill have fly for lunch. A little further away there was a bear thinking 'if that fly drops three inches the fish will eat the fly, and I'll eat the fish. On top of a mountain there was a hunter thinking 'if that fly drops three inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will eat the fish and I'll kill the bear. Next to the hunter there was a mouse thinking if that fly drops three inches the fish will eat the fly, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will kill the bear and I'll eat the hunter's sandwich. But just behind a tree there was a cat thinking 'if that fly drops three inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will kill the bear, the mouse will eat his sandwich and I'll have a mouse for lunch. So the fly drops three inches, the fish eats the fly, the bear eats the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse eats the sandwich and the cat lunges at the mouse, misses and falls into the lake. Morale of the story, when a fly drops three inches no pussy is safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x2drk/when_a_fly_drops_three_inches/
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What's an incest lover's favorite animal?

Aunt-eater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x2d6x/whats_an_incest_lovers_favorite_animal/
%
In a way, good friends are like condoms...

...they protect you when things get hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x2ayr/in_a_way_good_friends_are_like_condoms/
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A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x27vh/a_wife_is_like_a_hand_grenade/
%
So what's your take on abortion?

Well, on one hand I love killing babies, but on the other I really hate women's rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x25gp/so_whats_your_take_on_abortion/
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What do penises and semi colons have in common?

I often put them in the wrong places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x237x/what_do_penises_and_semi_colons_have_in_common/
%
Braille isn't that hard to learn...

You just have to get a feel for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1z22/braille_isnt_that_hard_to_learn/
%
I get a boner every time I face north

Guess you can say I have a good sense of erection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1x6b/i_get_a_boner_every_time_i_face_north/
%
Today I had sex with 3 girls

I wish i could post this in a different sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1wf8/today_i_had_sex_with_3_girls/
%
TIL cow tipping is an urban myth.

Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1vhz/til_cow_tipping_is_an_urban_myth/
%
I don't like funerals before midday.

I'm not a mourning person...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1v8p/i_dont_like_funerals_before_midday/
%
I dated a couple of anorexic girls once.

Two birds, one stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1uct/i_dated_a_couple_of_anorexic_girls_once/
%
I went to a Inter-Religion Integration Seminar

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”
I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”
The Hindu priest came and said "son, you will walk on your legs today."
I said "nothing wrong with my legs"
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
I believe in all religions now.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1sjs/i_went_to_a_interreligion_integration_seminar/
%
What did the suspenseful man say when he finished three jobs?

Done done done!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1s4i/what_did_the_suspenseful_man_say_when_he_finished/
%
A husband texts his wife from the office, "Hey Hon! Can you please throw my dirty clothes in the laundry?"

Several minutes passed and there was no response so he texted back.
"Oh I forgot to mention that I got a huge bonus! I really think we can get you that new car at the end of the month!"
"OMG!!!!! Are you serious?!!", she texted back.
"Nah, I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1qrg/a_husband_texts_his_wife_from_the_office_hey_hon/
%
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy

, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1nph/a_nice_calm_and_respectable_lady_went_into_the/
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What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe his butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1mzd/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1kl5/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeno business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1hi8/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
%
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day.

The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, ‘you do Gods work.’ The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused pay, saying, ‘you protect the public.’
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, ‘you serve the justice system.’ The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1b4o/a_barber_gave_a_haircut_to_a_priest_one_day/
%
Why can't Donald Trump tell the time?

Because he has two little hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x1ane/why_cant_donald_trump_tell_the_time/
%
The best kind of people talk to themselves

Or at least that's what I tell myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x159o/the_best_kind_of_people_talk_to_themselves/
%
I asked a girl

"Can I smell your pussy?"
She said "No!!"
Must have been her socks then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x0y9h/i_asked_a_girl/
%
Yo mama so ugly

She went into a haunted house and came out with a paycheque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x0jpo/yo_mama_so_ugly/
%
If Paul Walker was alive right now, I bet he would be

Frantically scratching at the inside of his coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x0j61/if_paul_walker_was_alive_right_now_i_bet_he_would/
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Why was everyone in the Soviet Union so good at driving manual?

Because they were afraid of Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x0j5k/why_was_everyone_in_the_soviet_union_so_good_at/
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The person ahead of us today in mini golf completed the course in 23 strokes.

I hope they're okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x07fm/the_person_ahead_of_us_today_in_mini_golf/
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What is the difference between arguing with your girlfriend and arguing with a knife?

The knife has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6x06u2/what_is_the_difference_between_arguing_with_your/
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Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?

Because there wasn't a single person there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wzyzz/why_did_the_room_packed_with_married_people_seem/
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My friends tell me I have bad memory, but jokes on them...

My friends tell me I have bad memory,  but jokes on them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wzw3u/my_friends_tell_me_i_have_bad_memory_but_jokes_on/
%
Why did the president and his entourage drown?

"Fake canoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wzuk6/why_did_the_president_and_his_entourage_drown/
%
What is common between a first time in bed and a lucky reddit post?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wzr98/what_is_common_between_a_first_time_in_bed_and_a/
%
I said to my wife "I think your brother is gay". "Why?" She responded.

"Because his dick tastes like shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wznbm/i_said_to_my_wife_i_think_your_brother_is_gay_why/
%
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors instead of 4?

Because then it'd be a chicken sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wzho3/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_2_doors_instead_of_4/
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A lot of homophobes turn out to be secretly gay..

..I'm getting nervous thinking I might secretly be a giant spider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wzh7k/a_lot_of_homophobes_turn_out_to_be_secretly_gay/
%
What do you call a dental x-ray?

Tooth pics!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wz7ew/what_do_you_call_a_dental_xray/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar.

One asks for a glass of H*_2_*O.
The other one says, "I'll have a glass of H*_2_*O too."
He dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wz61b/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
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Trump yard signs must be great for door to door salesmen

Those people would buy any kind of bullshit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wz5ri/trump_yard_signs_must_be_great_for_door_to_door/
%
Women are like hurricane...

...when they're coming, they are nice and wet. When they're leaving, they take cars, houses...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wz4s7/women_are_like_hurricane/
%
Two cannibals were sharing a person

One starts at the head, the other at the feet.
After a time one asks, "you alright?"
The other replies, "yeah I'm halving a ball!"
To which the first says, "you're going too fast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wz2ue/two_cannibals_were_sharing_a_person/
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What does a pregnant teenager and her unborn baby have in common?

They're both thinking 'Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me...'
I know this is a repost. Welcome to /r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wz0mr/what_does_a_pregnant_teenager_and_her_unborn_baby/
%
My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft, killing 32 Nazi aviators.

Easily the worst mechanic Luftwaffe ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wyzxw/my_grandad_was_a_wwii_veteran_in_just_one_day/
%
Ugliest baby that I've ever seen

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wyyo4/ugliest_baby_that_ive_ever_seen/
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Johnny gets a long weekend

On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.
Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'?
Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!"
Teacher "Thats correct Sally, you can have tomorrow off."
Sally responds "No thanks. I'm Japanese and we value our education so I'll be here tomorrow."
Teacher "Ok then, let's give someone else a chance. Can anyone tell me who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country.'
Billy shouts out "JFK!"
Teacher "That right Billy, enjoy your Friday off"
Billy "No thank you, I'm a Mexican and we have a hard work ethic and I'm committed to school so I'll be here tomorrow"
Teacher "Well I guess no one wants tomorrow off. Let's continue with the next lesson"
As the teacher turns around to write on the board an angry Johnny in the back of the room mumbles "Fuckin foreigners"
The teacher snaps around and in a demanding voice asks "Who said that?"
Johnny jumps up and shouts "Donald Trump! See you losers on Monday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wyszw/johnny_gets_a_long_weekend/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cus that's where he parked his coupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wyssl/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Nice ham you got there

Would be a shame if you put it between an s and an e.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wyp3t/nice_ham_you_got_there/
%
Whats Beethoven doing right now?

Decomposing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wyoz5/whats_beethoven_doing_right_now/
%
What is the grim reapers favorite kind of music?

Soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wyogt/what_is_the_grim_reapers_favorite_kind_of_music/
%
I like jokes. But jokes about elevators?

They're wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wyj68/i_like_jokes_but_jokes_about_elevators/
%
If you are having trouble being the only fat person in your class...

Just remember that Kim Jong-un is the only fat person in his country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wygna/if_you_are_having_trouble_being_the_only_fat/
%
I'm definitely the loser if I run over a deer. It's going to cost me hundreds of dollars.

But nature is only out a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wyfzu/im_definitely_the_loser_if_i_run_over_a_deer_its/
%
A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator...

Bar man: "You need to leave because if that alligator bites someone I'll get sued!"
Alligator owner: "No no he's tame! Watch I'll prove it."
He then zips down his fly and puts his cock inside the alligators mouth. The alligator keeps its mouth open the whole time. He then zips his pants back up and says
"See I told you he was tame! Anyone else like to try?"
drunk guy at the bar: "Yeah Id like to try but I don't think I can keep my mouth open that long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wyf7b/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_alligator/
%
The Magician and the Captains Parrot.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'
The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing.
Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing.
Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wyepe/the_magician_and_the_captains_parrot/
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What's the difference between a carpet-er and a carpenter? (NSFW)

The carpet-er wants the carpet to match the drapes, but a carpenter will put his wood anywhere if the money's right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wycs0/whats_the_difference_between_a_carpeter_and_a/
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If you spend your day in a well...

Can you say that your day was well-spent?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wyabn/if_you_spend_your_day_in_a_well/
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Which country has the most expensive stationary?

North Korea, they have a supreme ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wy9ff/which_country_has_the_most_expensive_stationary/
%
Man Meets friend and notices

Man Meets Friend & Notices He's wearing lipstick. When Did U Start Wearing Lipstick? Friend- Ever Since My Wife Found It In My Car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wy99k/man_meets_friend_and_notices/
%
If the cops were asked to rate a GTA game...

They'd give it 5 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wy94f/if_the_cops_were_asked_to_rate_a_gta_game/
%
Fish and chips

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just put the phone down on me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wy80u/fish_and_chips/
%
My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

I said, "It's a fucking scarf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wy5kd/my_wife_just_said_to_me_look_at_this_ive_had_this/
%
I forgot to pay the bill for my exorsist

Now I've been re-possessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wy4o0/i_forgot_to_pay_the_bill_for_my_exorsist/
%
Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wy286/why_did_the_tomato_blush/
%
I swapped our double bed for a trampoline

When my wife found out, she hit the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wxxxj/i_swapped_our_double_bed_for_a_trampoline/
%
Last week I got eczema, diarrhea, and hemorrhoids.

It was the first time I ever won a game of Scrabble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wxw6u/last_week_i_got_eczema_diarrhea_and_hemorrhoids/
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I was fired for sending one of my students to detention "for being tardy".

Special education just wasn't for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wxm7n/i_was_fired_for_sending_one_of_my_students_to/
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Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have slowly been getting more perverse

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I'd hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wxhcg/over_the_past_year_my_sexual_fetishes_have_slowly/
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All women want is security

They always ask for it when I approach them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wxfbz/all_women_want_is_security/
%
A father comes home and asks where his son is.

His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set.
The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall.
He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"
His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."
His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."
His son quite naturally said, "Sure, why not.''
The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes.
Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was.
His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. The Mercedes is from your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wx8by/a_father_comes_home_and_asks_where_his_son_is/
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What do you call white riot

A protest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wx7r8/what_do_you_call_white_riot/
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The 90s summed up in one line

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99  = 945

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wx3i8/the_90s_summed_up_in_one_line/
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What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?

Nothing it just lets out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wx1wc/what_does_a_grape_say_when_it_gets_stepped_on/
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I dreamt I was a muffler, last night.

I woke-up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wwx90/i_dreamt_i_was_a_muffler_last_night/
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I've got good news and bad news

"I've got good news and bad news," said the doctor as I lay in my hospital bed.
"What's the bad news?" I asked.
"We have to amputate your legs."
"Oh God, no!!! Well what's the good news?"
"The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wwv8k/ive_got_good_news_and_bad_news/
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What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wwrm1/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_and_finding/
%
I have a fear of speed bumps

I'm slowly getting over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wwpzs/i_have_a_fear_of_speed_bumps/
%
Yo mama so ugly,

Her dildo needs viagra!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wwo0k/yo_mama_so_ugly/
%
How do T-Rexes high five each other?

They don't. They're all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wwlm3/how_do_trexes_high_five_each_other/
%
Push the envelope

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wwglo/push_the_envelope/
%
Two terrorists having discussion in a bar.

The waiter grows suspicious...
Waiter : What are you talking about?
Jafar : We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..
Waiter : Why a donkey?
Steve : See!? I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wwgf0/two_terrorists_having_discussion_in_a_bar/
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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
Edit1: a typo
Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wwdlw/by_legalizing_cannabis_and_samesex_marriage_we/
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What’s the difference between sex and hide and seek?

Hide and seek I can count to ten before shouting, “I’m coming ready or not!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wwd7x/whats_the_difference_between_sex_and_hide_and_seek/
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Every bar in Houston right now..

..is a dive bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ww8i1/every_bar_in_houston_right_now/
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What international disaster occurred after someone dropped the Christmas dinner?

The downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the destruction of China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ww1w2/what_international_disaster_occurred_after/
%
I enjoy jokes, but jokes about giving facials to gay or bisexual males?

Come on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ww1a6/i_enjoy_jokes_but_jokes_about_giving_facials_to/
%
North Korea now has a missle that can reach New York City, and I think that's really scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ww13k/north_korea_now_has_a_missle_that_can_reach_new/
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Golfing Buddies

The Pope and his best friend Dave go golfing. On the first hole, Dave misses a relatively easy putt and exclaims "Fuck! I missed!" The Pope tells him to please watch his language and they continue playing.
A few holes later, Dave misses another easy putt, putting him behind the Pope. He again exclaims "Fuck! I missed again!" And once again the Pope tells him to not use that language. Dave apologizes and they keep playing.
A few holes later the same thing happens. The Pope says, "if you use that type of language again, may a bolt of lightning strike you where you stand." Dave once again apologizes.
On the last hole, the men are tied. The Pope makes par. Dave has landed the ball two feet from the hole and if he makes the putt, he will win the game. He lines up the putt, and once again missed. He gets so mad and screams "Fuck! I missed AGAIN!" At that moment, lightning strikes the Pope, who collapses and dies. High above, the clouds open up and a great booming voice proclaims "well fuck, I missed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wvyya/golfing_buddies/
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I just found out that the sperm bank pays

All these years, money has been running through my fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wvxna/i_just_found_out_that_the_sperm_bank_pays/
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What is the best way to know the sex of a chromosome?

Pull down its genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wvxhk/what_is_the_best_way_to_know_the_sex_of_a/
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What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

Synonym rolls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wvup4/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
%
I was on a cross country flight and the stewardess asked me if I wanted any headphones?

I said, "sure, and how did you know my name was Phones?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wvszs/i_was_on_a_cross_country_flight_and_the/
%
What do you give the man who has everything?

Antibiotics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wvs2s/what_do_you_give_the_man_who_has_everything/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wvpge/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
Not a string of puns but...

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.
The bartender says, "We don't serve pieces of string in here!"
The piece of string walks out the door upset, but a sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.
He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"
"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wvgts/not_a_string_of_puns_but/
%
I could tell my wife was cheating on me when she said she was out with her friend.

Her friend has been in bed with me for the past hour. That lying, cheating bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wvfps/i_could_tell_my_wife_was_cheating_on_me_when_she/
%
If 666 is the mark of the beast...

... and the beast is pure evil wouldn't 25.8069758011278803 technically be the root of all evil?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wvfgu/if_666_is_the_mark_of_the_beast/
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My ceiling may not be the best ceiling in the world.

But it's up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wvalu/my_ceiling_may_not_be_the_best_ceiling_in_the/
%
What do you call a Danish Sniper?

A Denmarksmen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wvaaa/what_do_you_call_a_danish_sniper/
%
I only know 25 letters...

I don't know Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wv6x2/i_only_know_25_letters/
%
I came in touch with my inner self today.

This is the last time i buy single ply toilet paper...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wv5mf/i_came_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
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Hurricane Harvey is no joke.

https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793
To find out how to help, follow the link above.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wv4e2/hurricane_harvey_is_no_joke/
%
What did the monk order from the hotdog stand?

One with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wv383/what_did_the_monk_order_from_the_hotdog_stand/
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I like my women like I like my wine.

Twelve years old and in my basement.
(Joke was told to me by my cousin)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wv2xu/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_wine/
%
I like jokes. But jokes about my children?

I can't support them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wuzb7/i_like_jokes_but_jokes_about_my_children/
%
English Lesson

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, the man drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned: "This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say, '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say, '1-2-3-4'," the medicine man responded, "but, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked, the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3-for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition -- because we could end up with a dangling participle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wuyr9/english_lesson/
%
A man walks into a bar

He was immediately disqualified from the limbo competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wuy4o/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Life Hack: give your next kid a normal name

Me: are you still mad your mom and I named you Life Hack?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wuxu5/life_hack_give_your_next_kid_a_normal_name/
%
My Chinese wife kicked me out because I wouldn't get off my Chinese phone.

She said it's Mai Wei or the Huawei.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wuvkr/my_chinese_wife_kicked_me_out_because_i_wouldnt/
%
My German plumber hooked up my gas pipe to my shower...

Looks like old habits die hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wutuu/my_german_plumber_hooked_up_my_gas_pipe_to_my/
%
What chess piece is the best with kids?

The bishop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wutgu/what_chess_piece_is_the_best_with_kids/
%
Why wouldn't you want to go to a bar in Houston?

All of their drinks are watered down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wultx/why_wouldnt_you_want_to_go_to_a_bar_in_houston/
%
I watched a really strange porn the other day that was just a fat pale guy crying and jerking off....

Then i realised i hadn't turned the TV on.
Credit: Gary Delaney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wulh6/i_watched_a_really_strange_porn_the_other_day/
%
The slogan of a televangelist

"God will grant you all the money I need"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wuigh/the_slogan_of_a_televangelist/
%
What does Cersei Lannister say to Jamie Lannister when she's inviting him to bed?

I incest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wufa6/what_does_cersei_lannister_say_to_jamie_lannister/
%
America is so racist and homophobic

That people even want their teeth to be straight and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wubnu/america_is_so_racist_and_homophobic/
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One man's trash is another man's treasure

Is not the way to explain to your wife why you married her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wua81/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
What do you call a broken can opener?

A can't opener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wu6ni/what_do_you_call_a_broken_can_opener/
%
I like jokes about airconditioners, but jokes about heaters?

Not cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wu1rg/i_like_jokes_about_airconditioners_but_jokes/
%
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight...

What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wtwla/i_was_given_mdma_and_lsd_tonight/
%
It's weird it hurts when you accidentally bite on your tongue but when you do it on purpose it doesn't hurt

It's also weird your biting on your tongue now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wttmq/its_weird_it_hurts_when_you_accidentally_bite_on/
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What’s the difference between an honest politician and a flying pig?

There actually was a time when swine flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wtrel/whats_the_difference_between_an_honest_politician/
%
Harassment

Little Johnny's teacher asked him, "Johnny, use 'harassment' in a sentence."
Little Johnny replied, "Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wtqdl/harassment/
%
What's the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wtn3i/whats_the_opposite_of_irony/
%
I believe it when they say Kim Jong-un doesn't pee or poop...

Why else would he be so pissed and full of shit all the time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wtiir/i_believe_it_when_they_say_kim_jongun_doesnt_pee/
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What do you call a woman that has sex for spaghetti?

A pastatute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wtfyt/what_do_you_call_a_woman_that_has_sex_for/
%
There are 10 types of people in the world

Those who can read binary, and those who cant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wtfwu/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
I really counted on my vasectomy to keep my girl from getting pregnant...

but apparently it only changes the baby's skin color...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wtdzk/i_really_counted_on_my_vasectomy_to_keep_my_girl/
%
Three men are on a train.

One is an economist, one is a logician, and the other is a mathematician.
They are riding into Scotland, as they pass a brown cow.
The economist says, "Look, the cows in Scotland are brown."
The logician says, "No, there are cows in Scotland of which at least one is brown"
The mathematician says, "No, There is at least one cow in scotland, of which one side appears to be brown from this distance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wtb1a/three_men_are_on_a_train/
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How to drive your wife wild in the bedroom.

Leave all of the dresser drawers slightly ajar with a little piece of clothing sticking out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wt7su/how_to_drive_your_wife_wild_in_the_bedroom/
%
unsubstantiated nonsense

no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wt6gl/unsubstantiated_nonsense/
%
What's the difference between North Korea's nukes and a bucket of shit?

People get scared when you launch a bucket of shit at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wt6b4/whats_the_difference_between_north_koreas_nukes/
%
I told my doctor I was getting really stressed out about my chronic constipation.

He prescribed me a relaxative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wt4tr/i_told_my_doctor_i_was_getting_really_stressed/
%
2 windmills next to each other in a field, one goes "what kind of music do you like?" ...

The other goes "I'm a big metal fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wt408/2_windmills_next_to_each_other_in_a_field_one/
%
What was a dog wizard called?

Labracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wt1na/what_was_a_dog_wizard_called/
%
What do you call an Asian man with correct change?

Exact Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wsz91/what_do_you_call_an_asian_man_with_correct_change/
%
A database professional walks into a bar

And joins two tables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wsvam/a_database_professional_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Help! A terrorist is drowning!

This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina, I noticed a man running down the dock toward me dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that If he didn't get help he would surely drown!
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to help those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department!
It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded. I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wsv30/help_a_terrorist_is_drowning/
%
Roe vs Wade is in the news again.

Right now, it's the two main forms of Houston transportation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wsrd1/roe_vs_wade_is_in_the_news_again/
%
I started reading a book on anorgasmia

...but I just couldn't finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wspuh/i_started_reading_a_book_on_anorgasmia/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room

He said "Thanks"
I said "Don't mention it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wspha/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
How Long

Is a Chinese name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wspcd/how_long/
%
I make fun of my parents for not knowing how to use new technology

But then again, I googled how to boil an egg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wsjsw/i_make_fun_of_my_parents_for_not_knowing_how_to/
%
I was arguing with a flat Earth believer

We argued about how many members the flat Earth community had. He said "We have members all around the globe".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wsex0/i_was_arguing_with_a_flat_earth_believer/
%
A wife is a sex object...

Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wsa4o/a_wife_is_a_sex_object/
%
What did the quiet orange say to the noisy orange?

"Be quiet! I'm concentrating!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ws9jo/what_did_the_quiet_orange_say_to_the_noisy_orange/
%
What did the cheese say when it looked in mirror

Haloumi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ws64h/what_did_the_cheese_say_when_it_looked_in_mirror/
%
I'm all for jokes, but jokes about sexually abusing mentally handicapped people?

That's fucking retarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ws4ub/im_all_for_jokes_but_jokes_about_sexually_abusing/
%
How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ws4r2/how_do_you_know_if_a_sniper_likes_you/
%
My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.

Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ws3gh/my_best_friend_swore_up_and_down_that_he_would/
%
What do you call an acid with an attitude?

Amino acid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ws3by/what_do_you_call_an_acid_with_an_attitude/
%
Native humor

Native American family driving down the road see a car pulled over on the side with its hood up. They pull over and the dad asks the man "what's wrong?" He replies "piston broke!" Dad says "You can come with us. We're pissed and broke too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ws1xo/native_humor/
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A Barber's Bill

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, kid! Can I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ws00i/a_barbers_bill/
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Girls hate it when you give them gifts implying that you will somehow benefit from them as well.

Take knee pads for example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wrzja/girls_hate_it_when_you_give_them_gifts_implying/
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Want to hear a Christian joke?

"Joel Osteen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wrwt2/want_to_hear_a_christian_joke/
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What's the similarity between Kodak and condoms?

They are both there to catch those special moments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wru8d/whats_the_similarity_between_kodak_and_condoms/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently not three because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wrsi2/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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German physicist Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding.

The cop asked, do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg responds, no but I know exactly where I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wro0f/german_physicist_werner_heisenberg_is_pulled_over/
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My neighbour asked if I'd been stealing clothes off her washing line

I nearly shit her pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wrhrk/my_neighbour_asked_if_id_been_stealing_clothes/
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My wife said "How can you cook eggs, you don't have them?"

I responded, "Well how do you cook breasts?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wrhjg/my_wife_said_how_can_you_cook_eggs_you_dont_have/
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What is the difference between you and a highly addictive opioid?

Your mom didn't swallow you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wrdta/what_is_the_difference_between_you_and_a_highly/
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I almost cut myself with a razor today

It was a close shave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wrbjs/i_almost_cut_myself_with_a_razor_today/
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What do you call a blind German?

A not-see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wraul/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
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Why did Cinderella get in a fight with the police?

Because they wanted to take her prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wr91g/why_did_cinderella_get_in_a_fight_with_the_police/
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I got my student loans down from 100k to 50k overnight with this super easy life hack.

Divorce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wr68k/i_got_my_student_loans_down_from_100k_to_50k/
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I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ...

They hang around bars 24/7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wr55x/i_heard_prisoners_get_drunk_a_lot/
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3 Belgians are sitting next to a river

, A crocodile swims past and they start to throw rocks at it.  The crocodile gets angry and begins to swim towards them. 2 of them run and climb in a tree. They shout to the other "Why are you staying there, you better run before the crocodile comes!"
He replies "Why I didn't throw any Rocks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wr4q1/3_belgians_are_sitting_next_to_a_river/
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Strippers in Houston must be doing great.

Because they're making it rain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wqz6l/strippers_in_houston_must_be_doing_great/
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My girlfriend told me to take out a spider instead of killing it...

We went and had a few drinks. Cool guy, he wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wqxjs/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_out_a_spider/
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Three friends are fishing when a crocodile comes ashore and grants them three wishes...

The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin"
The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back.
The friend then pulls in a massive marlin.
"Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich"
The crocodile then swims underwater and fetches a treasure chest full of money and gold and gives it to him.
"INCREDIBLE!" says the third friend "I've got a better one, I wish my penis touched the ground!"
The crocodile bites his legs off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wqwkl/three_friends_are_fishing_when_a_crocodile_comes/
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This morning I went to my premature ejaculators meeting.

Turns out, it's tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wqs1f/this_morning_i_went_to_my_premature_ejaculators/
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I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?

Not a fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wqqa7/i_like_jokes_but_jokes_about_air_conditioners/
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I phoned the police. I said, "Somebody stole my Viagra!"

The guy said, "Can you expand on that?"
I said, "Yes. That's its exact purpose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wqoyj/i_phoned_the_police_i_said_somebody_stole_my/
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I can't remember the last time I listened to Staind

but its been awhile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wqnpy/i_cant_remember_the_last_time_i_listened_to_staind/
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My email password has been hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wqnbn/my_email_password_has_been_hacked_again/
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I wasn't gonna have sex with my sister...

But she incested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wqgoo/i_wasnt_gonna_have_sex_with_my_sister/
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So I've been talking to this cute 14 year old and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop

How fucking cool is that for someone her age?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wqg7n/so_ive_been_talking_to_this_cute_14_year_old_and/
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What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.
I literally traded a homeless guy a cigarette for that joke. Worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wqekm/what_did_the_two_tampons_say_to_each_other/
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If H2O is inside fire hydrants, what's on the outside?

K9P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wqabm/if_h2o_is_inside_fire_hydrants_whats_on_the/
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My biology teacher asked me what was the ugliest vegetable IMO.

Apparently, Stephen Hawking was the wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wq9zm/my_biology_teacher_asked_me_what_was_the_ugliest/
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What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk?

A milk dud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wq6qg/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_doesnt_produce_milk/
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A simple explanation

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.............She never got your email!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wq3mh/a_simple_explanation/
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So many Christians run non-profit organizations. On the other hand, atheists...

...only run non-prophet organizations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wq3bh/so_many_christians_run_nonprofit_organizations_on/
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I fought for the honor of a woman

but she won

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wpzoc/i_fought_for_the_honor_of_a_woman/
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A philosopher says to a linguist...

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wpst9/a_philosopher_says_to_a_linguist/
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A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting...

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wpph1/a_biologist_a_chemist_and_a_statistician_are_out/
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I want to make a Toy Story parody porno.

I'll name it "You've Got a Friend In Me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wpe9m/i_want_to_make_a_toy_story_parody_porno/
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Last night I dreamt of being a muffler

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wpchz/last_night_i_dreamt_of_being_a_muffler/
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What do you say when Japanese jesus preaches?

R'amen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wpbnc/what_do_you_say_when_japanese_jesus_preaches/
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I can't mention STDs around my friend who has herpes

It's a sore spot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wp3ho/i_cant_mention_stds_around_my_friend_who_has/
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Friendship is like piss in your pants...

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wp2nu/friendship_is_like_piss_in_your_pants/
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Did you see the movie about the most effective woman ever to masturbate?

It was a pretty good flick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wp0ps/did_you_see_the_movie_about_the_most_effective/
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I like my girls how I like my Starbucks coffee.

Expensive and underwhelming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6woznf/i_like_my_girls_how_i_like_my_starbucks_coffee/
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Why are there so many fat demons?

Because they hate exorcising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6woymu/why_are_there_so_many_fat_demons/
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Why aren't brothels organic?

Because of all the imitation whore moans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wowrz/why_arent_brothels_organic/
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Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?

They don't believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wov6k/why_cant_atheists_solve_exponential_equations/
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A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 188 hours of community service?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wosnb/a_teenage_girl_brought_her_new_boyfriend_home_to/
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What do you call a person who can't hear well?

**I SAID WHAT DO YOU CALL A PERSON WHO CANT HEAR WELL?!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6woqv6/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_cant_hear_well/
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House-hunting in Texas is overwhelming...

The market is flooded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6woqsn/househunting_in_texas_is_overwhelming/
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Little Johnny's Thanksgiving

It was thanksgiving eve and Little Johnny was in his room,  when he heard his dad shout from the living room,
"These Bitches and Bastards!", Johnny ran out and asked, "Daddy what are bitches and bastards?"
"Oh that's a nice way of saying ladies and gentleman."
So Johnny went back to his room and played with his LEGO's until it was about bedtime. From across the house he heard his mother yell, "Put your penis in my vagina!"
Johnny walked into his parents' room, "mommy? What is a penis and vagina?"
"Oh Johnny that's just a kind way to say coats and hats!"
The morning of thanksgiving, Johnny walked into the kitchen and heard his mom yell "Fuck!",
"Mommy what's fuck mean?"
"That just means I'm cutting the turkey." She replied.
"Shit!" Johnny rushed to the bathroom,
"Daddy what does shit mean?"
"Oh that's just a new shaving cream I'm using!"
So later that day, the guests finally arrive and Little Johnny answers the door, "Hello bitches and bastards, can I take your penises and vaginas and hang them on the coat rack?" An elderly man leans down,
"Young man where are your parents?!"
"Well my mom just got done fucking the turkey and my dads wiping the shit off his face."
Not sure if this was posted before, but it was my childhood goto joke because I thought it was hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wopnp/little_johnnys_thanksgiving/
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I finally talked to my therapist about my 5 bottle a day seltzer habit.

She diagnosed me with Buy Polar Disorder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wopbf/i_finally_talked_to_my_therapist_about_my_5/
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The one language programmers all know

Is profanity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6woo4t/the_one_language_programmers_all_know/
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Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick: "What school?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6womlb/mother_how_was_school_today_patrick/
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A horse walks into a bar

The bartender asks what's with the long face, the horse doesn't say anything because it's a horse, it doesn't understand English and it looks confused. It walks out the bar knocking over a few tables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6womjc/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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You can't fool me. I know chicken fried rice isn't real.

You expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wogps/you_cant_fool_me_i_know_chicken_fried_rice_isnt/
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Who hits Houston harder?

Bobby Brown or Hurricane Harvey.
~Probably too soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wodte/who_hits_houston_harder/
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Mom, I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cause it was fake.

"Oh, how did you know it was fake?"
"It had an extra zero."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wod40/mom_i_found_a_10_bill_today_but_i_threw_it_away/
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three. His left ear, his right ear, and his final front ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6woa14/how_many_ears_does_captain_kirk_have/
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Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies

"I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"
"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."
"How can you be so sure?"
"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wo8q2/two_pregnant_women_are_talking_about_their_future/
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Women clock

A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks.
She asks angel: What are these for?
Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.
The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...
Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing that she never told lie.
The woman asks: Where are the clocks of our men?
The angel replies: Those are in our office, We use them as 'OFFICE FANS'
She then asked, what of the women?
The angel replied, 'those are out there generating electricity!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wo5rx/women_clock/
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What's DJ Khalid's favourite number?

11 because it has another 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wo2mx/whats_dj_khalids_favourite_number/
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My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work...

...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wnyzm/my_husband_called_and_asked_if_i_could_be_naked/
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Whoever decided to name girl underwear "panties" fucked up.

How do you skip Cuntainers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wnyd1/whoever_decided_to_name_girl_underwear_panties/
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Yesterday, I found out I was colorblind

The news came out of the green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wnwox/yesterday_i_found_out_i_was_colorblind/
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I just found out about this method that fastens two things together.

It's riveting stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wnunp/i_just_found_out_about_this_method_that_fastens/
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What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman

Iron Man is a Marvel superhero while Iron Woman is a command

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wntoh/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
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What's not a good ice breaker?

Titanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wnpxf/whats_not_a_good_ice_breaker/
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Roses are red, violets are blue

I have schizophrenia,
And so do I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wno7c/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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I watched director's cut of a porn film...

At the end he actually fixed the washing machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wnlq4/i_watched_directors_cut_of_a_porn_film/
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Passengers aboard an airplane watched nervously

As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.
The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.
"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day they're gonna scream too late, and we're gonna die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wnevi/passengers_aboard_an_airplane_watched_nervously/
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One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore..

It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wncmy/one_of_my_friends_told_me_that_ever_since_they/
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Sex is like a gas station

Sometimes it's full service. Sometimes you have to ask for service, and sometimes it's self service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wnas5/sex_is_like_a_gas_station/
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So i got fired from my job at the library, today

Apparently the books about womens rights, do not belong at the fantasy department..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wnaed/so_i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_library_today/
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What do a gynecologist and a waiter have in common?

They both have to work in the places where others have fun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wn8zc/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_waiter_have_in_common/
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What do you call a Spanish king in Africa?

Juan man to rule Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wn60o/what_do_you_call_a_spanish_king_in_africa/
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I just got an iPhone 7S for my wife.

I thought that was a good trade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wmyye/i_just_got_an_iphone_7s_for_my_wife/
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We were out having dinner when my girlfriend said “We’ve been living together for three years now and you still haven’t popped the question”

“Good point, when are you moving out?” I asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wmwe4/we_were_out_having_dinner_when_my_girlfriend_said/
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A little boy asks his father why they say gardeners have green thumbs...

The father replies "That's just a figure of speech. You know, like when someone is stealing and they are caught red handed, but their hands are really black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wmsh2/a_little_boy_asks_his_father_why_they_say/
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What do you call it when 2 people independently start dancing at the same time?

A coincidance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wmq89/what_do_you_call_it_when_2_people_independently/
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A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wmpei/a_dea_officer_stopped_at_our_farm_yesterday_he/
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What do you call Mike Tyson on drugs?

Methed up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wmnvi/what_do_you_call_mike_tyson_on_drugs/
%
So a horse is watching YouTube and...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He goes into a deep depression and stays locked up drinking for almost two weeks. Finally, he breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wmktd/so_a_horse_is_watching_youtube_and/
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What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wmj9i/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
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A man on the plane sneezes, and then wipes his dick with a tissue

The situation happens couple times more, when one of the passengers eventually reports the man to a flight attendant.
The flight attendant approaches the man and says:
- Sir, people are complaining about your behavior. You need to stop this.
- Oh, I'm really sorry, but I have this exceptionally rare condition - whenever I sneeze, I get an orgasm.
- I'm really sorry then, but do you take anything for it?
- Yes, usually I just snort some cayenne pepper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wmixm/a_man_on_the_plane_sneezes_and_then_wipes_his/
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God, to an incompetent doctor at the gates of Heaven

"Thank you for your patients... but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to transfer you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wmfu2/god_to_an_incompetent_doctor_at_the_gates_of/
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Conjunctivitis.com

Now that's a site for sore eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wmaek/conjunctivitiscom/
%
An old lady was smoking and pumping gas...

Next thing I know, she's running around the parking lot, screaming, with her arm on fire.  The cops showed up and arrested her for waving a firearm in public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wm5ui/an_old_lady_was_smoking_and_pumping_gas/
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A salesman knocks on a door

, as soon as the door opens he throws a mound of dirt on the floor of the house. The house owner begins to confront the salesman in a state of rage but before he can say anything the salesman pulls out a vacuum and sucks up the dirt with ease. The salesman says "I'm here to sell you this vacuum!" The house owner, amazed at the display, immediately buys the vacuum. Another salesman sees this exchange and goes up to the same house later that day. This salesman knocks on the door, as soon as the house owner opens the door the salesman shoots him dead. He then proclaims "I'm here to sell you life insurance!"
(be easy I just thought of this joke myself)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wlwh8/a_salesman_knocks_on_a_door/
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I lost my job as a cashier today.

An old lady asked if I could check her balance so far.
So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wlwe7/i_lost_my_job_as_a_cashier_today/
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Why is Jon Snow so ticklish?

Aunts in his pants...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wltaa/why_is_jon_snow_so_ticklish/
%
What do you call it when a midget greets you with his hand?

A microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wlsth/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_midget_greets_you_with/
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What's the difference between a School bus and a pineapple?

The little pricks are on the outside of the pineapple!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wlrmy/whats_the_difference_between_a_school_bus_and_a/
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I want my boyfriend to treat me like a textbook

spend a lot of money on me and then never touch me after

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wlr0q/i_want_my_boyfriend_to_treat_me_like_a_textbook/
%
I'm single by choice

Just not my choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wln8z/im_single_by_choice/
%
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wlk5s/i_started_carrying_a_knife_after_an_attempted/
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A mouse entered my house

He ate everything, even drank some redbull and now I have a bat problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wljwz/a_mouse_entered_my_house/
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A politician is arrested and is on his way to jail...

Whoops, thought this was /r/fantasy .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wlini/a_politician_is_arrested_and_is_on_his_way_to_jail/
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wli8b/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_is_exactly_314/
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Were you at the Oedipus convention?

Every motherfucker was there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wlgzv/were_you_at_the_oedipus_convention/
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What do you call a short, psychic who is wanted?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wlemk/what_do_you_call_a_short_psychic_who_is_wanted/
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What disproves "I before E except after C?

Science

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wl8lw/what_disproves_i_before_e_except_after_c/
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Last week was my birthday

My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my ofﬁce, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!". l felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!"
while I was waiting on the sofa... naked :-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wl6fi/last_week_was_my_birthday/
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A wife was making breakfast for her husband when he ran into the kitchen with an alarmed expression

"TURN 'EM EGGS!! TURN'EM BEFORE THEY BURN!!!".
"GOOD LORD, WE ARE GOING TO NEED MORE BUTTER!!! GET IT! GET IT!!! DAMN THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!"
The wife looked at him with a puzzled expression and continued.
"HOLY SHIT! NOT SO MUCH SALT AND PEPPER!!! JUST A BIT!! YOU WILL RUIN THEM!!!"
The wife turned around and shouted, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
"Nothing", replied the husband in a calm and even tone. "Just wanted to give you an idea of what it's like when I am driving with you by my side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkzgs/a_wife_was_making_breakfast_for_her_husband_when/
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A cowboy named Bud...

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his
herd  in a remote mountainous pasture in
Montana when  suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The
driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes,
RayBan® sunglasses and  YSL® tie, leaned out the
window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly  how many cows and calves you have in your
herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is
a  yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd
and calmly answers, "Sure,  why
not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out
his  Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple
i phone, and surfs to a NASA  page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix
on  his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area  in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital
photo  in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg,
Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on
his  Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and
the data stored. He then  accesses an MS-SQL® database
through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with
email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives
a response.
Finally, he prints out a
full-color,  150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the
cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and
calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess
you can take  one of my calves," says
Bud.
He watches the young man select one of
the  animals and looks on with amusement as the young
man stuffs it into the trunk  of his
car.
Then Bud says to the young man,
"Hey, if I  can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my
calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a
second  and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
"You're a Congressman for
the  U.S. Government", says
Bud.
"Wow! That's correct,"
says the yuppie, “but  how did you guess
that?"
"No  guessing required."
answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though  nobody called you; you want to get paid for an
answer I already knew, to a  question I never asked.
You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying
to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
don't know sh*t about  how working people make a
living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of
sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkyv6/a_cowboy_named_bud/
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An engineer dies

and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says.
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.
"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.
"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers:
"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wky4q/an_engineer_dies/
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These guys took offence earlier because I said "midget" instead of "little person", so I restarted my story.

I said, "OK, so I was fucking this dead little person..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkwhe/these_guys_took_offence_earlier_because_i_said/
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An American businessman was at the pier...

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."
The American scoffed. "I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The fisherman asked, "But how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "Fifteen or 20 years."
"But what then?"
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."
"Millions? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkv61/an_american_businessman_was_at_the_pier/
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Poor Old fool

The well-dressed gentleman saw an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked,
“So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkpbn/poor_old_fool/
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I said, “I’m working late tonight so I won’t be home until about midnight”

My wife said, “That’s the fifth time this week. Are you cheating on me?”
I said, “Er .. no .. why would you think that?”
She said, “Because you’re a fucking milkman”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkp27/i_said_im_working_late_tonight_so_i_wont_be_home/
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But your Honor, if you are what you eat

Then i really am an innocent child

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wknmv/but_your_honor_if_you_are_what_you_eat/
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After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.

I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkndb/after_she_decided_to_dump_me_my_rich_exgirlfriend/
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How did Jesus stay in shape?

CrossFit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkmf4/how_did_jesus_stay_in_shape/
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3 CEOs are in jail.

3 CEO's were in a jail cell.
The first guy said "I got put in here because I raised my prices and the government accused me of price gouging"
The second guy replied, "Really, I got put here because I lowered my prices and the government accused me of unfair competition!"
The third guy then said, "Damn, I got put here because I just set my prices to the market level and I got accused of collusion!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkm7g/3_ceos_are_in_jail/
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Bad joke i thought of late af at night

Did you hear the Kayse family are expecting a girl but they have prepared a boys name; Justin Kayse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkk9l/bad_joke_i_thought_of_late_af_at_night/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkii9/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
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A White Horse Walks Into A Bar (long)

The bartender asks "What'll it be?" - The horse says "I feel like a whiskey but I can't make up my mind as to which one." - The bartender scans the shelf full of whiskey bottles and sees a bottle of White Horse Whiskey. He says "I know! I've got a whiskey named after you!" - The horse looks surprised and asks "You have a whiskey called Eric?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wki4x/a_white_horse_walks_into_a_bar_long/
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Polar bears aren't the best animals in the world.

But they're all white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkh4f/polar_bears_arent_the_best_animals_in_the_world/
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I'm friends with 25 letters of the Alphabet....

I don't know why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkguw/im_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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Why can't the T-Rex clap

Because they are all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkgma/why_cant_the_trex_clap/
%
Private investigator

(At a fancy diner with wife and her friend)
Wife's friend: So, what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a private investigator
Wife: Kieth, you're allowed to say gynecologist
Me: People are eating, Linda!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkf4o/private_investigator/
%
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkbul/a_woman_in_a_hot_air_balloon_realized_she_was_lost/
%
My wife asked me what I thought the sexiest thing was about her.

Apparently, "how much you look like your sister" was not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wkb6l/my_wife_asked_me_what_i_thought_the_sexiest_thing/
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Why did the mobster shoot the clock?

So it wouldn't tock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wk7va/why_did_the_mobster_shoot_the_clock/
%
I'll often test new jokes for my set by posting them to /r/jokes

The only downside is when I tell them on stage some dude in the back yells out "REPOST!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wk35b/ill_often_test_new_jokes_for_my_set_by_posting/
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There was a train conductor with a bad temper.

He would be angry all the time, being snarky and yelling at people, just aggressive in general. One day, a young girl was trying to board the train right at departure time, and being the man he was, the conductor started the train and she fell under and died. The man was taken to court, and sentenced to death by electric chair. They strapped him in, pressed the switch, and nothing happened. Baffled, they let him go.
So, after that, the train conductor thought long and hard about his decisions and life choices and he wanted to make everything better. Then, an old woman was boarding the train at departure time. He saw her, waited, but she tripped and died. With his previous reputation, they assumed it was on purpose and sentenced him to death by electric chair. This time, they strapped him in, hit the switch, and he died. Why did it work this time, but not the first time? The first time he was a bad conductor and the second time he was a good conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wk2ag/there_was_a_train_conductor_with_a_bad_temper/
%
Two lawyers were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries.

"I don't get it," said one. "She's an airhead - nothing going on upstairs."
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wk27y/two_lawyers_were_discussing_a_colleagues_interest/
%
A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wk07r/a_teenage_girl_brought_her_new_boyfriend_home_to/
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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wjxbj/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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I went to visit my Chinese friend in hospital

Whilst taking a selfie video with him he suddenly yelled something in Chinese then died. With no way of understanding what he meant I wondered if it was a will. I decided that I had to pass the video on to his family.
When I arrived at Beijing airport customs asked me why I was visiting. I showed them the video. They were nice enough to translate. He had apparently said: *Get off my oxygen line you asshole!*
I booked the next flight back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wjw9e/i_went_to_visit_my_chinese_friend_in_hospital/
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Why did the man eating the largest cut of sirloin feel super sad when he was told the restaurant was closing down?

Because he was the biggest steakholder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wjqs6/why_did_the_man_eating_the_largest_cut_of_sirloin/
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[Spoiler] In Game of Thrones, what is Jon and Dany's favorite sexual position?

Lannister style

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wjn0f/spoiler_in_game_of_thrones_what_is_jon_and_danys/
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I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wjcdj/i_was_at_the_bank_going_to_withdraw_money_from_my/
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"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wjc26/do_you_think_i_reference_dinosaurs_too_much_when/
%
Smart!!!!

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wjc14/smart/
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I hate Russian dolls

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wj5ct/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he noticed a man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" He said
Startled, the other man replies "No, just having a shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wj537/a_man_was_walking_his_dog_through_a_graveyard/
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Why can't you send sailors through the mail?

You try explaining to the postman why you have a load of seamen for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wj1pq/why_cant_you_send_sailors_through_the_mail/
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A guy calls in sick to work

His boss doesn't believe him and calls him back. Boss says: "You don't sound sick". Guy answers: "I'm in bed fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wizw1/a_guy_calls_in_sick_to_work/
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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.
"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.
Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. That's nothing."
Dad comes back and mom goes off to use the washroom.
Once mommy is gone, Little Johnny asks, "Daddy, what's that long thing beneath the bull's belly?"
"That's the bull's cock, son," his dad answers. "He uses it to mount and fuck a cow."
"But mommy said it was nothing!" Johnny replied.
Dad leans back with his hand behind his head and takes a sip of his beer. "Son... I've spoiled that woman..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wiwtn/little_johnny_went_to_his_first_rodeo_with_his/
%
What division does a blacksmith boxer compete in?

Smelterweight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wisyo/what_division_does_a_blacksmith_boxer_compete_in/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Northern Irishman walk into a bar

The Englishman wants to leave, so they all have to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wiqk2/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_a_northern_irishman/
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What do you call a reverse Airbender?

A Boomer Aang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wip7q/what_do_you_call_a_reverse_airbender/
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My girlfriend is slightly off the rails.

I'm just hoping she doesn't untie herself in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wikn0/my_girlfriend_is_slightly_off_the_rails/
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Push the envelope all you want...

It'll always be stationery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wigyx/push_the_envelope_all_you_want/
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Peanut allergy

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting -- they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wig24/peanut_allergy/
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Contemplating marriage

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wicln/contemplating_marriage/
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Right before colliding with an iceberg...

The captain of the Titanic got ready to make an announcement:
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, this ship weighs about 52 thousand kilograms. I'm gonna let that sink in..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wibj5/right_before_colliding_with_an_iceberg/
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My dick may be only 4 inches,

But it smells like a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wibbi/my_dick_may_be_only_4_inches/
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What is Beethoven currently doing?

Decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wib9h/what_is_beethoven_currently_doing/
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How do you know a chinese guy has been in your house?

Your computer is fixed, your cat is missing and he's still trying to get out of the driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wi9p5/how_do_you_know_a_chinese_guy_has_been_in_your/
%
I get so bothered by people who use words without knowing what they mean

it always gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wi886/i_get_so_bothered_by_people_who_use_words_without/
%
I scored 47/46 for my test.

It was a chromosomes test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wi4go/i_scored_4746_for_my_test/
%
A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl!

He kicks the dog, it dies!
Newspapers report
"LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM DOG"
Man says i'm not American
Report changed
"Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog"
Man says:
Actually I'm Pakistani
Breaking News:
"Terrorist killed Innocent Dog which was playing with a girl"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wi23m/a_man_in_usa_sees_a_dog_attacking_a_girl/
%
Women are like car parking spaces...

Usually, most of the good ones are taken....
So once in a while, you gotta stick it in a disabled one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6whyhw/women_are_like_car_parking_spaces/
%
My dad is a pilot and he told me this joke.

Two pilots are sitting in the cockpit, talking, when they realize they are flying over a huge crater.
"Wow, what a beautiful sight," says the first pilot.
"It is, isn't it?" the other pilot replies.
Then a flight attended joins them.
"Sir, what are we flying over?" she asks the first pilot.
"It's a crater. A meteor crashed into the earth and left that giant hole."
"Wow," replies the flight attendant. "And what's that building right next to it?"
"That's the visitors center," the second pilot says.
"Phew," she says. "They really got lucky, didn't they?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6whvjv/my_dad_is_a_pilot_and_he_told_me_this_joke/
%
Why are cats the best learners?

Because they can always learn from scratch...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6whqp6/why_are_cats_the_best_learners/
%
Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6whqoq/is_there_someone_on_this_plane_who_is_man_enough/
%
Frog's Car!!!

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6whow8/frogs_car/
%
I went shopping today and picked up a cherry and a microphone stand...

Bought a bing, bought a boom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6whnxb/i_went_shopping_today_and_picked_up_a_cherry_and/
%
Father : What are you drinking son ?......

Son : Soy Milk;
Father : Hola Milk, Soy tu Padre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6whnm3/father_what_are_you_drinking_son/
%
A woman walks into Walmart

She's dragging her two children behind her and turns to yell at them, "hurry up!  Get your ass moving". The Walmart greeter can tell she's not having s good day, so he politely says "Good morning, what a lovely day!"  She rudely responds by telling the greeter to fuck off.  The greeter is surprised, and asks her, "Ma'am are your two children twins?"
"Hell no, ones 5 the other's 8 and they don't look alike at all!  Why the hell would you think they're twins?"
The greeter smiles and says, "I'm just having a hard time believing you got laid twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6whlqz/a_woman_walks_into_walmart/
%
Me , with my strange choice of adjectives.

You, with your muscular teeth and clockwise vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6whit1/me_with_my_strange_choice_of_adjectives/
%
Did you hear about the guy who broke into a paint factory?

Yeah, i heard they caught him red handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6whisi/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_broke_into_a_paint/
%
Dads: What does A&W stand for?

Ambergers and Wootbeer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6whiik/dads_what_does_aw_stand_for/
%
Moses had the first tablet

that could connect to the cloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6whhse/moses_had_the_first_tablet/
%
I had to divorce my wife, she was just SO childish

She kept stealing my bath toys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6whep3/i_had_to_divorce_my_wife_she_was_just_so_childish/
%
So I would like make a joke about Jon and Daenerys...

... But I won't incest on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6whbz3/so_i_would_like_make_a_joke_about_jon_and_daenerys/
%
What do you call a spider who can't get it up?

Erectnephobia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wha7b/what_do_you_call_a_spider_who_cant_get_it_up/
%
So a farmer walks into a bar with a horse...

He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wh3ad/so_a_farmer_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_horse/
%
A little boy asks his dad,

"Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wgzgg/a_little_boy_asks_his_dad/
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What do you call a hairpiece that is 50% off?

A small price toupee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wgsqi/what_do_you_call_a_hairpiece_that_is_50_off/
%
My dad told me today that we're distantly related to the Fugarwii Tribe of Native Americans.

This tribe was nomadic, and would wander all over the continental US. Unfortunately, as a tribe, they had a terrible sense of direction and would often get horribly lost.
The Fugarwii had scouts who's soul purpose was to remedy this: they would scout about, find the tallest mountain they could, and scale the mountain to its peak.
Once there, they would look about with their hand over their eyes like a visor. Then, the lead scout would turn to face the others and say "where the Fugarwii"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wgra0/my_dad_told_me_today_that_were_distantly_related/
%
What do Daenerys Targaryen and the North have in common?

Right now, they're both getting a few inches of Snow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wgl12/what_do_daenerys_targaryen_and_the_north_have_in/
%
If Bran dies and a white walker brings him back...

Is he Raisin Bran?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wgij9/if_bran_dies_and_a_white_walker_brings_him_back/
%
Politicians are like diapers

They need to be changed frequently and for the same reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wgi0y/politicians_are_like_diapers/
%
The wife came home last night and said, “I know something you don’t.” “Oh yeah, what’s that?” I asked.

“What it’s like to have a big cock,” she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wgbkv/the_wife_came_home_last_night_and_said_i_know/
%
It's often when you misjudge the situation and people's feelings and make an inappropriate joke.

I remember one winter my wife slipped on the ice outside and fell over. She came into the house with her mother and she was sat on the couch crying, more through embarrassment than the fact she was hurt (she was fine physically).
After a short time, she stopped crying and my mother-in-law said, "Is everything okay now?"
In an attempt to lighten the mood I jokingly said, "Well, has anyone checked the pavement's okay?"
There was a stony silence as tumbleweed drifted across ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wg1r7/its_often_when_you_misjudge_the_situation_and/
%
Damn girl, are you a comic book?

Cause you get a new issue every week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wg03e/damn_girl_are_you_a_comic_book/
%
Why couldn't the pirate finish the alphabet?

Because he always got lost at "sea".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wg00e/why_couldnt_the_pirate_finish_the_alphabet/
%
A Husband Can't Find His Wife At A Grocery Store

A husband can't find his wife at a grocery store, so he walks up to a pretty girl.
He asks the girl "Hello I lost my wife, can you help me find her?"
The girls says "Sure! How can I help you find your wife?"
The husband just says "Talk to me"
The girl, confused asks "How does that help you find her."
The man says " Because when I talk to other girls my wife always finds me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wfvn5/a_husband_cant_find_his_wife_at_a_grocery_store/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her."
Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!"
He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!"
The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequilla, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter.
Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely.
He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wfto9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign_that_says/
%
Richard Spencer is the Kim Kardashian of the alt-right...

I have no idea why he's famous and I only know his name because some dude pounded him on video.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wftbd/richard_spencer_is_the_kim_kardashian_of_the/
%
Yo momma is so ugly...

Her dildo needs viagra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wfk3g/yo_momma_is_so_ugly/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 81?

Nothing. He stood alone and sobbed uncontrollably, wishing that he could exchange all of his loot to get back the family and friends who all died long before him.
Unable to bear his sorrows for another lonely year, the old pirate kicked the stool out from underneath himself and smiled for the first time in years. He would see them again soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wfhr2/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_81/
%
I ordered 1000 kg of Chinese soup

It was won ton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wfhlz/i_ordered_1000_kg_of_chinese_soup/
%
What is it called when 4 men gang rape a corpse?

Having a cold one with the boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wff2e/what_is_it_called_when_4_men_gang_rape_a_corpse/
%
They say bringing your bike to work is better for the enviorment

Why not
I have a roof rack anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wfdxr/they_say_bringing_your_bike_to_work_is_better_for/
%
Corners of Love

I believe the right girl for me is out there, in some corner of the earth...
But unfortunately, the earth is round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wfcn4/corners_of_love/
%
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
My actual son will be devastated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wf7z6/my_wife_gets_upset_when_i_steal_her_kitchen/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wf783/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
Early Bird

The early bird gets the worm.
...
But the second mouse gets the cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wf5if/early_bird/
%
What did the body builder say when he ran out of protein powder?

"No whey"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wf527/what_did_the_body_builder_say_when_he_ran_out_of/
%
What do you call a bible study with one priest and seven church goers?

Eight theists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wf4nf/what_do_you_call_a_bible_study_with_one_priest/
%
I hear prisoners get drunk a lot.

After all, they hang around bars 24/7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wf32a/i_hear_prisoners_get_drunk_a_lot/
%
I was charged with beastiality

But the judge dropped it to horse play

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wf2m7/i_was_charged_with_beastiality/
%
Why did the wizard lose his job?

He got outsorced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wf2d2/why_did_the_wizard_lose_his_job/
%
Our divine caster lost track of his healing spells.

It was a clerical error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wexff/our_divine_caster_lost_track_of_his_healing_spells/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it starts beating you with jumper cables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6weuaq/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
...a confusing situation!

What do you get when you cross a joke with time travel...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wetop/a_confusing_situation/
%
Know what my favourite cheese is?

Edam. It's the only cheese made backwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6welsu/know_what_my_favourite_cheese_is/
%
/r/jokes has taught me

The value of recycling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wek93/rjokes_has_taught_me/
%
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

See you next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wek7i/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
%
I like my women like I like my guns.....

Locked up in the basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wef1k/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_guns/
%
I only ate 239 beans.

Just one more and I'd be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wedt8/i_only_ate_239_beans/
%
Six out of Seven Dwarves...

... Are not Happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wed8q/six_out_of_seven_dwarves/
%
Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."
Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6weceu/mike_pence_is_at_the_dinner_table_with_his_family/
%
You know the drill

But do you know the screwdriver?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6web1i/you_know_the_drill/
%
Well that was....expected

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6we5m2/well_that_wasexpected/
%
Why did the cops arrest the man while his hands were burning?

Because he was waving a firearm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6we5e8/why_did_the_cops_arrest_the_man_while_his_hands/
%
I once knew twins who were exactly alike except one was missing an eye

They were dentical twins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6we3af/i_once_knew_twins_who_were_exactly_alike_except/
%
I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wdztb/im_not_passive_aggressive/
%
She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man...

Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wdzgv/she_told_me_she_was_too_classy_to_sleep_with_a/
%
What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent, featuring Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wdvqo/what_concert_costs_45_cents/
%
Everyone keeps posting about Mayweather

But I'm 99% sure its August.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wduft/everyone_keeps_posting_about_mayweather/
%
My gf likes Russian porn

It makes her soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wdu9m/my_gf_likes_russian_porn/
%
Why does every state have 2 senators?

So that one can be the designated driver.
(overheard an old man at a garage sale telling this).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wds1b/why_does_every_state_have_2_senators/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wdpm9/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
I just learnt that boxing is about two guys fighting the urge to come out as gay...

I mean. Two shirtless men fighting over a belt and a purse.
And they have to have another guy near them at all times who's entire job is to stop them from hugging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wdozk/i_just_learnt_that_boxing_is_about_two_guys/
%
If you ever get cold, just go stand in a corner for a bit.

They are usually around 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wdjc2/if_you_ever_get_cold_just_go_stand_in_a_corner/
%
An old ship captain, after years of good service, dies...

He was one of the most revered captains his nearly 50 year career. The crew had little idea what to do with all his belongings gathered from all the country's he's visited.
After a few weeks of talking it through with the crew and family the first mate remembers a weird habit the captain had.
Every single time, just before docking, the captain took out a small locket from his jacket pocket, look at it, and put it back.
In all his time with the captain he never asked what was in the locket.
After looking through the boxes of this clothes they fished out the jacket.
Finding the jacket, and locket within, the first mate, for the first time in his time knowing the captain, opens it.
All that is in the locket are 4 words: "Port= left. Starboard= right".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wdizf/an_old_ship_captain_after_years_of_good_service/
%
A man goes hiking and he sees a farmer with two cows.

One is black and the other is white. The man walks up to the farmer and asks him "What do you feed the cows?"
The farmer asks "The black one or the white one?"
"The black one," says the man.
"I feed it grass."
"What about the white one then?"
"I feed it grass too."
The man nods "And where do the usually sleep?"
"The black one or the white one?" the farmer asks.
"The black one."
"In the barn."
"What about the white one?"
"It sleeps in the barn too," says the farmer.
The hiker starts getting frustrated, "And what do you use them for?" he asks.
The farmer asks again, "The black one or the white one?"
"The black one."
"Well I use it to get milk."
"And the white one?"
"I use it to get milk too."
The hiker gets extremely angry and yells, "What the hell is wrong with you? You keep asking me which cow I mean, then give me the same response for both!"
The farmer answers calmly "Well because the black cow is mine."
"Oh, and what about the white one?"
"It's mine too.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wdily/a_man_goes_hiking_and_he_sees_a_farmer_with_two/
%
I don't think Connor McGregor enjoyed the fight last night.

He seemed like he was feeling a bit under the weather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wdgsl/i_dont_think_connor_mcgregor_enjoyed_the_fight/
%
If Karl Marx made a contraceptive company

Would it's slogan be seize the means of reproduction?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wdf0b/if_karl_marx_made_a_contraceptive_company/
%
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down, and maybe use some lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wde64/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
%
Why do fish hate reading news on the internet?

Click-bait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wdcip/why_do_fish_hate_reading_news_on_the_internet/
%
A man went back to a pet store fuming.

"Excuse me," he said to the pet shop owner. "That trained monkey you sold me yesterday died!"
"Wow," the owner replied. "He could never do that trick when I owned him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wdcgz/a_man_went_back_to_a_pet_store_fuming/
%
What gets louder as it gets smaller?

A baby in a trash compactor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wdaoj/what_gets_louder_as_it_gets_smaller/
%
What does a clock do when its hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wd92d/what_does_a_clock_do_when_its_hungry/
%
What do you call a male whorehouse?

Bro-thel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wd78k/what_do_you_call_a_male_whorehouse/
%
A man runs into a bar...

He runs up the bartender and says:
"Quick! Pour me 20 shots of your most expensive single malt scotch!"
The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.
The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The man says: "well you'd drink fast too if you had what I had..."
The bartender says: "oh my God, what is it? What do you have?"
The man says: "Fifty cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wd6wj/a_man_runs_into_a_bar/
%
Terrible diseases...

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."
Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wd4ca/terrible_diseases/
%
There's this big hole in the ground

These two men are walking through the woods one day and they come across a big hole in the ground. Now this hole is huge, like some sort of endless pit. So the one man says to the other, “I wonder how deep this hole is?”
He then proceeds to pick up a rock and toss it in the humongous hole. They listen... nothing. The other man then grabs a large stick and throws it in.... Nothing.
At this point the two men are really intrigued over this large hole. So they look around a little for something bigger to throw in, and they come across a railroad tie. They both grab an end, walk it over to the hole, and throw it in.
The men are looking down the hole when all of a sudden they hear this noise in the woods. They look over and see this goat running all over the place. It’s ziging and zaging between trees and going all over the place. Then it runs right up and dives into the hole.
Now the two men are thinking, what the hell was that? They had no idea what that goat was doing. So they decide to just keep walking.
A little ways down they run into a farmer, and the farmer asks them if they’d seen his goat. The two men tell him that they saw a goat come running out of the woods and jump into this huge hole. The farmer says, "that couldn’t have been my goat, cause I tied my goat to a railroad tie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wd35h/theres_this_big_hole_in_the_ground/
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I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home....

Pointing a knife at me.... He asked me "your money or your life!"....
I told him I was married.... So, I have no money and no life....
We hugged and cried together
It was a beautiful moment....
😁😀😃

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wczpy/i_was_mugged_by_a_thief_last_night_on_my_way_home/
%
What do you call the smell of Indian bread?

Naanscents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wczpn/what_do_you_call_the_smell_of_indian_bread/
%
Never fall asleep in church.

A elderly couple by the names of George and Martha go to church one Sunday. Unfortunately, Martha has a terrible habit of falling asleep during the service, and it embarrassed George something awful. So the sly old man came up with a plan: Everytime his wife would nod off, he'd prick her with a needle.
So the sermon starts and the preacher works up the crowd with a couple "hallelujahs" and "amens," and sure enough, old Martha nods off.
George readies the pin and, just as the priest says, "And to whom, my faithful servants, do we owe everything good in our lives?" George gives his wife a sharp jab in the side, to which she responds with a powerful "My God!"
The preacher basks in the enthusiasm of his disciples and continues on with the sermon as though nothing has happened.
Martha, embarrassed and confused, rubs her side and continues on worshipping. George slips the pin out of sight, pleased by the results.
Not fifteen minutes later, as the preacher whips his worshippers into another frenzy of praise and passion, old Martha starts nodding off. Her eyelids are drooping and her head's beginning to tilt.
George, always quick to take notice, readies his secret weapon again, poising it just off his wife's hip. Sure enough, just as the preacher calls to the crowd, "And who, my beloved warriors of light, died for our sins?" he jabs it home.
Martha jolts as if she's been electrified and gasps loudly amid the others, "Jesus Christ!"
The preacher takes their word as gospel and continues.
George quickly slips the pin under his leg once more, looking innocent as a newborn.
Martha, with her side smarting, falls back into a pattern of fervent worship.
Not twenty minutes later, however, the poor old girl is beginning to nod off yet again. George, in his sly state, takes note immediately, and readies the pin for yet another assault.
Just as the preacher shouts to the heavens, "Now, my children, what did Eve say to Adam after siring their 99th child?" George makes one final jab, but this time Martha sees it, and she shouts:
"IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, YOU OLD BASTARD, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS SIDEWAYS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wczmk/never_fall_asleep_in_church/
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My relationship with my girlfriend is complex

I am real and she is imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wcyuk/my_relationship_with_my_girlfriend_is_complex/
%
What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Pork chop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wcw90/what_do_you_call_a_pig_who_knows_karate/
%
What did a physics teacher say to calm down a student who wanted to jump off the roof?

Don't do that, you have so much potential!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wcvsk/what_did_a_physics_teacher_say_to_calm_down_a/
%
How do you connect a bird to bluetooth?

You parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wcv0w/how_do_you_connect_a_bird_to_bluetooth/
%
Why did the student fail on his book report?

TLDR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wcs4q/why_did_the_student_fail_on_his_book_report/
%
Why did the bird fly south for winter?

It was too far to walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wcq8v/why_did_the_bird_fly_south_for_winter/
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Why are most hurricanes named after women?

When they come in, it's exciting and wet, but after they leave, half your shit's gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wcitx/why_are_most_hurricanes_named_after_women/
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What did Gordon Ramsay say when he went wrestling?

"This is fucking RAW!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wcgu7/what_did_gordon_ramsay_say_when_he_went_wrestling/
%
At first I thought my son was break dancing, so I started beat boxing around him.

Turns out he's epileptic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wce7y/at_first_i_thought_my_son_was_break_dancing_so_i/
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I've been doing yoga for 5 years.

It's been a long stretch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wccwi/ive_been_doing_yoga_for_5_years/
%
I was considering going on an all almond diet.

But that's just nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wcapy/i_was_considering_going_on_an_all_almond_diet/
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A beautiful blonde woman ends up sitting next to a professor on a plane.

He's amused by her ditzy attitude, and the two start playing a trivia game. The blonde agrees to pay a dollar for every question she gets wrong, and the professor, feeling pompous, offers to pay a hundred dollars for his incorrect answers.
After missing the first question, the blonde asks something along the lines of "What goes up a hill wet, then comes down the hill dry?" The professor spends the whole ride trying to solve the riddle, but eventually gives up and hands the blonde a hundred dollar bill when the plane lands.
As she stands up to leave, the professor asks "So what does go up a hill wet, then down a hill dry?" ...at which point the blonde takes out another dollar and hands it to him with a wink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wcanz/a_beautiful_blonde_woman_ends_up_sitting_next_to/
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My friends say I'm a lot like an Iphone

I peaked in 2008 and I'm not compatible with anyone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wc63t/my_friends_say_im_a_lot_like_an_iphone/
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Damn girl, are you the Terms and Conditions?

'Cause nobody gives a fuck what you sayin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wc1t3/damn_girl_are_you_the_terms_and_conditions/
%
A woman and a dog once fell in love.

He buried his bone in her backyard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wc19k/a_woman_and_a_dog_once_fell_in_love/
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The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbyrf/the_irish_must_have_lost_so_much_money_last_night/
%
I just spoke to my lazy eye surgeon.

I wish he was more energetic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbwy8/i_just_spoke_to_my_lazy_eye_surgeon/
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Why did Obi Wan Kenobi fertilize his lawn with marijuana?

He wanted the high ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbtt7/why_did_obi_wan_kenobi_fertilize_his_lawn_with/
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I love self deprecating humour

I'm just not great at it myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbsl8/i_love_self_deprecating_humour/
%
Russian Elections

Ministry of Russian election announcement: Elections of Vladimir Putin will commence as planned in 2018.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbs32/russian_elections/
%
Why did everyone hate communism?

I'd give it full Marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wboff/why_did_everyone_hate_communism/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots of jaegermeister.

"Why are you ordering so many?" asks the barman?
"I just had my first blowjob" says the man.
"Well shit, congratulations, have a tenth one on me!"
"Thanks, but if nine doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbkiu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_nine_shots_of/
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Are you coming?

Teacher : What's wrong? Why do you have a black eye?
John: Our house is very small. My mum, my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, "John are you sleeping?" Then I say "No" & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye.
Teacher: Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet. don't answer.
The following morning John comes back with a severe black eye again.
Teacher: My goodness, Why the black eye again ?
John: Dad asked me again, John are you sleeping ? I shut up & kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, you know, at the same time Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a Hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, "Are you coming?" Mum said, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?" Dad answered "Yes." They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "wait for me, **I'm coming too.**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbjvv/are_you_coming/
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If Snapchat has taught me anything ....

.... it's that a lot of today's teens look better as farm animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbgj5/if_snapchat_has_taught_me_anything/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbe0j/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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What a the difference between a sofa and a guitar player?

The sofa can support a family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbdxh/what_a_the_difference_between_a_sofa_and_a_guitar/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high...

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbd74/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
%
Why do they call it grave robbery . . .

and not skullduggery?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbcxt/why_do_they_call_it_grave_robbery/
%
Did you hear about the frog who got his legs cut of?

He was Un-Hoppy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbbpa/did_you_hear_about_the_frog_who_got_his_legs_cut/
%
What do you call someone who only speaks one language?

An American

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbb9t/what_do_you_call_someone_who_only_speaks_one/
%
German sausages

They're the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wbb8f/german_sausages/
%
RIP to all the vampires

who got fooled by the solar eclipse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wb9kq/rip_to_all_the_vampires/
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What do you call a man who boasts of three erections per day?

A tri-hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wb9eg/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_boasts_of_three/
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I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died

He stepped on a landmine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wb8y8/im_glad_i_wasnt_close_to_my_dad_when_he_died/
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I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone

Now it's Hans-Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wb8mf/i_recently_got_rid_of_all_the_german_contacts_on/
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The lifeguard at my local pool is racist...

How I know?
When he said I should leave, I asked why and he said, "European in the pool!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wb4sx/the_lifeguard_at_my_local_pool_is_racist/
%
How did you get out of Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wb3qd/how_did_you_get_out_of_iraq/
%
A Priest, a Scientist, a schoolboy, an athlete, and the pilot are flying in a plane....

An Olympic Athlete, a Scientist, a Pilot, a Priest, and a schoolboy are flying in a plane. Suddenly, the plane begins losing altitude and the pilot informs his passengers that they are going to crash. There are parachutes, but there are only four of them. "Screw this then" scream the pilot, as he grabs a parachute pack and jumps ship. The four passengers are left to decide who gets the remaining 3 parachutes. "I'm the best athlete in the world," says the athlete, "I need to live so I can inspire future generations". So he grabs a parachute and jumps out. "I'm the smartest man in the world" says the scientist" "I need to live so I can teach future generations." So he grabs a parachute and jumps out. The priest turns to the schoolboy and says" well, I've lived a long life, you can take the last one". The schoolboy replies "we can both go. the smartest man in the world just took my backpack"
Credit to my childhood friend for this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wb33a/a_priest_a_scientist_a_schoolboy_an_athlete_and/
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I have a T-Rex who sells me guns.

He's a small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wb1s9/i_have_a_trex_who_sells_me_guns/
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Why is it so easy to buy drugs at a casino?

Because the casinos are full of dealers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wazji/why_is_it_so_easy_to_buy_drugs_at_a_casino/
%
My dad walked in and caught me masturbating and told me that it would make me go blind.

I said "dad,I'm over here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wawby/my_dad_walked_in_and_caught_me_masturbating_and/
%
Don't Get Nervous

Patient 1: “Why did you run away from the operation table?”
Patient 2: “The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only’, things like that.”
Patient 1: “So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?”
Patient 2: “She was talking to the surgeon!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6waw93/dont_get_nervous/
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Mediocre guy dies and arrives at the Pearly gates

God meets him and says: you were neither good nor bad, so you will have a chance to decide now, heaven or hell?
Guy thinks to himself for a minute and says: Let's try hell first, if it doesn't work out I'll just end up in heaven.
So down he goes...
The earth opens up and smoke rises to the sky. The sweet scent of marijuana, hashish, and wet vaginas greets him. There are models everywhere. Nude devil girls with ass and tits to die for. Parties all around. Freedom to commit any sin anytime, guilt free. Orgies at every turn. Drinks everywhere. Tables with endless cocaine lines, the best colombian shit the devil can buy..
So after two weeks of spending his time with Satan, he says; i must go up and tell god my decision. I'll be back.
Back in heaven he meets god again. Too excited to return to the parties and the women, he says:
I don't even care to see heaven. I've made my choice. I'm goin to hell!
So back he goes...
On this arrival, the smoke smells like cadavers. The gates open, devil girls suddenly have pitchforks, they stab him relentlessy. No water to be found anywhere. Its hot and dry, fire all around. The cocaine has turned to meth. The alcohol to vinegar. He cant find an orgy anywhere but is raped at every turn.
Finally he goes to Satan once more. I should add, after a few months of calls, petitions and bureaucracies. At the meeting he demands angrily: What the hell Lucifer! I was just here, things were so different! Why this cruel change?!!
Satan replies; friend, you should surely be aware that there is a difference between tourism and immigration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wavvm/mediocre_guy_dies_and_arrives_at_the_pearly_gates/
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I thought about being gay

But I heard it's a pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wau7h/i_thought_about_being_gay/
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3 prisoners on their execution day

There were 3 prisoners: Prisoner A, Prisoner B and Prisoner C.
They were going to be shot by soldiers on top of a cliff.
So the first day, it was the Prisoner A. He was taken to the cliff and the soldiers asked, "Any last words?" Prisoner A yelled, "TYPHOON!" so the soldiers ran and luckily the Prisoner A escaped.
The next day, it was Prisoner B. They asked him, "Any last words?" Prisoner B yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" And so the soldiers ran and the Prisoner B escaped too.
Now, Prisoner C was extremely excited because he knew what to shout. He was pretty confident he'll escape so the next day, it was time for Prisoner C to be executed he was asked, "Any last words?" And Prisoner C yells, "FIRE!" And they kill him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6waps9/3_prisoners_on_their_execution_day/
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The Magic Dildo

They say that love knows no bounds. In the case of Donkey and the Dragon, this is true. However, even though the two loved each other, Donkey quickly realized that the differences in their sizes meant that he couldn't please the Dragon with his little Pinocchio.
Wanting the best for his loved one, Donkey travelled all over the land until he found a sex shop. "I'm looking for something to please my Dragon friend with", Donkey told the shopkeeper.
"I have just the thing", the shopkeeper replied, smiling. "Come with me."
Donkey followed the shopkeeper into a back room, and found himself in front of an enormous dildo, half the size of the shop. "This is the Magic Dildo, size XXX", the shopkeeper said proudly. "And it's big enough for even a dragon. But it's not just big. Watch this: Magic Dildo, the wall!"
Immediately the Magic Dildo rose up and began throwing itself against the wall. The entire shop shook and threatened to collapse. "Magic Dildo, stop!", the shopkeeper said, and the dildo stopped.
Amazed by this product, Donkey bought the Magic Dildo and brought it home to the Castle. "Whenever your bored, use this", Donkey told the Dragon. "Just say 'Magic Dildo' followed by wherever you want the dildo to go."
So Donkey left for Shrek's house to give his beloved some privacy. The moment Donkey left, the Dragon used the dildo. "Magic Dildo, my pussy!"
Immediately the dildo entered her pussy, and the Dragon let out a stream of fire in pleasure. At first, the Dragon was beyond ecstasy, but minutes turned to hours, and she couldn't get the dildo out, no matter what she said. Worried, the Dragon flew over to Shrek's house where Donkey was. Her flight was wobbly, but she made it, nearly crashing into Shrek's house.
"For the love of Pete!", Shrek groaned, walking outside, where the Dragon was rolling on ground, eyes bulging. "Get......Donkey....Magic Dildo......won't come out!"
Shrek guffawed in disbelief. "Magic Dildo my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wao08/the_magic_dildo/
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I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out

I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wakcs/i_bought_one_of_those_antibullying_wristbands/
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Mayweather is actually 54-0

If you count the women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wajut/mayweather_is_actually_540/
%
Conor McGregor doesn't have seasonal allergies.

He just can't handle the Mayweather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wah67/conor_mcgregor_doesnt_have_seasonal_allergies/
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How many shots can an Irish man handle?

about 10 rounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6waggq/how_many_shots_can_an_irish_man_handle/
%
Why does McGregor love springtime so much?

Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wag41/why_does_mcgregor_love_springtime_so_much/
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An emo and a leaf were sitting at the top of a tree...

they both fall off at the same time? Which one hits the ground first?
The leaf.
The emo got caught by the rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wafdg/an_emo_and_a_leaf_were_sitting_at_the_top_of_a/
%
Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wacxa/why_is_santa_so_jolly/
%
I lied about my age

A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!
Friend: "How did she marry you?"
Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"
Friend: "You said 45?"
Billionaire:  "No! I told her I was 90"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wa94o/i_lied_about_my_age/
%
Think Mayweather/Mcgregor is going to be the biggest fight of the year?

Just wait until my girl finds out I paid $100 to see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wa8e9/think_mayweathermcgregor_is_going_to_be_the/
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Why can I drink coffee and still feel tired ?

Probably the same reason i can masterbate and still feel lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wa6gi/why_can_i_drink_coffee_and_still_feel_tired/
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Three brothers, named Dante, Buddy, and Tyler each decided to get their dad a special birthday present

.
Dante bragged, "Since Dad likes to golf, I'm going to to get him a set of golf bags for the old man."
Buddy said, "You know how Dad loves to go bird hunting? I've decided to get him a hunting dog!"
Tyler then shook his head. "You know how Dad hates to read, but likes to be read to? I've decided to buy him a parrot. The parrot can read; its specially trained, and if you set a book in front of it, it will read the book out. It's an expensive bird, but I think Dad's worth it.
The other brothers were amazed! Later, the father wrote his sons their thank-you letters.
"Dante," he wrote, "I've given up on playing golf. It's too costly, and the people who play it are idiots. Thank you for the thought, though!"
"Buddy," he wrote, "I've matured in my old age, and I now realize hunting is a cruel sport. Also, that dog you sent has awful gas. But thank you for the thought"
His last note went like this: "Dear Tyler: You were always my number one son. Thanks for the thoughtful gift. That chicken was very delicious!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wa4nu/three_brothers_named_dante_buddy_and_tyler_each/
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How many Frat boys does it take to screw in a light bulb NSFW

I don't know. No matter how much you roofie a light bulb it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6wa2gr/how_many_frat_boys_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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My son was depressed because of his obesity. "Trust me," I told him, "skinny people get down too."

"Unless you're on a see-saw with them," I added.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9xui/my_son_was_depressed_because_of_his_obesity_trust/
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I slept with my best friend's’s wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9xdq/i_slept_with_my_best_friendss_wife_last_night_and/
%
A white supremecist walks into a bar...

A white supremecist walks into a bar and bumps into another white supremecist. 'Pardon me!' says Joe Arpaio. 'Sure!' says the president.
Note: joke corrected for 'gettability' by my husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9w3y/a_white_supremecist_walks_into_a_bar/
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If you're afraid of paedophiles....

Grow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9w2v/if_youre_afraid_of_paedophiles/
%
There's a poem contest in South Carolina.

It's down to two contestants...one Harvard grad and one old redneck from the Low Country. They each have 5 minutes to come up with a poem, but they have to use the word "Timbuktu" in the poem to win. The Harvard grad goes first.
"Swiftly cross the desert sands,
Strode a lonely caravan.
One by one on camels drew,
Destination: Timbuktu."
The crowd goes crazy, thinking there's no way the redneck can top that. He walks to the mic, spits out his wad of tabacco, ponders a second and says:
"Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three and we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9vbe/theres_a_poem_contest_in_south_carolina/
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A man and his wife are driving through Texas

As the man drive on further he starts to get pissed off because of the heat and boring desert scenery. As he goes on he gets more and more pissed off and finally he says to his wife, "I hate this damn state I swear if I see a Texan I'm going to fight him". After driving a while longer he comes across a man on horse back so he pulls over and gets out to confront him. He says "are you a texan?!" The man replies "why yes I am" so the man replies "I'm gonna kick your ass". The Texan says "well I don't mind fighting you but I don't like fighting without a reason". So it's decided the winner will fuck the man's wife and the loser will hold the winners balls out of the hot sand. So later the man and his wife are driving down the road and the man says to his wife "that Texan wasn't so tough he screamed like a bitch when I dropped his balls on the sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9uhg/a_man_and_his_wife_are_driving_through_texas/
%
Why was the 10-year old Ethiopian upset?

He was having a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9tif/why_was_the_10year_old_ethiopian_upset/
%
I called out my dad's name while making love last night...

...Now my mom thinks I'm cheating on her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9slr/i_called_out_my_dads_name_while_making_love_last/
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Apparently, there is a protest today in favor of doggy style sex.

Now that's a protest I can get behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9rdt/apparently_there_is_a_protest_today_in_favor_of/
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i hate when homeless people shaking their cup of coins at me

like yeah i know you have more money than me but you don't need to rub it in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9qlx/i_hate_when_homeless_people_shaking_their_cup_of/
%
They say there are oceans on the moon...

I think that's lunar sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9q6x/they_say_there_are_oceans_on_the_moon/
%
Did you hear about the band of roving pirate toddlers?

They spend their days sailing the Hi-C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9m2y/did_you_hear_about_the_band_of_roving_pirate/
%
Whenever I see a female bus driver, I'm reminded of how far we have come as a society...

Then I wait for the next bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9lb1/whenever_i_see_a_female_bus_driver_im_reminded_of/
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How do you tell a female chromosome from a male chromosome?

Ask them to pull down their genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9knx/how_do_you_tell_a_female_chromosome_from_a_male/
%
Damn, girl, are you a math book?

Because you have a lot of fuckin problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9kl8/damn_girl_are_you_a_math_book/
%
Whats the difference between "Oooh" and "Aahh?"

About 3 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9hqd/whats_the_difference_between_oooh_and_aahh/
%
It’s impossible to please women.

Even at your wedding, you are not the best man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9hn4/its_impossible_to_please_women/
%
Whether you love him or hate him, Donald Trump has given us something we haven’t had in decades.

A First lady we can masturbate to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9eqx/whether_you_love_him_or_hate_him_donald_trump_has/
%
I lost a hundred and twenty pounds recently!

She broke up with me yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w9cus/i_lost_a_hundred_and_twenty_pounds_recently/
%
Why do pimps like shopping at Costco?

They can buy everything hoesale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w99nt/why_do_pimps_like_shopping_at_costco/
%
Why would Donald Trump have trouble killing himself?

Fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w98kl/why_would_donald_trump_have_trouble_killing/
%
Dang girl are you the Cross of Coronado?

Because you belong in a museum ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w977v/dang_girl_are_you_the_cross_of_coronado/
%
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three. His left ear, his right ear, and his final front-ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w94sp/how_many_ears_does_captain_kirk_have/
%
What's something that both an American and an Ethiopian can never have?

Just one potato chip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8yxy/whats_something_that_both_an_american_and_an/
%
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8urh/yesterday_i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food/
%
Why did the man stick a lightbulb in his mouth?

He wanted a light snack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8ufp/why_did_the_man_stick_a_lightbulb_in_his_mouth/
%
I asked my gynecologist what he looks for in a girl.

He told me he's married and to stop coming to his house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8u4v/i_asked_my_gynecologist_what_he_looks_for_in_a/
%
I once got yelled at for peeing in a pool

Scared me so much I almost fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8tpy/i_once_got_yelled_at_for_peeing_in_a_pool/
%
What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

A licker cabinet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8t6r/what_do_you_call_two_lesbians_in_a_closet/
%
My ex husband misses me...

But his aim is getting better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8rxr/my_ex_husband_misses_me/
%
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo

So I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8rfd/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_impersonating_a_flamingo/
%
What does non alcoholic beer and your sisters vagina have in common?

It tastes right, but is wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8ntb/what_does_non_alcoholic_beer_and_your_sisters/
%
I was planning on watching the fight on my TV tonight

But it was pretty uncomfortable, so I'll probably just watch it from my couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8nnq/i_was_planning_on_watching_the_fight_on_my_tv/
%
A magician was driving down the road...

Then he turned into a driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8l0c/a_magician_was_driving_down_the_road/
%
What's a newborn baby' favorite restaurant?

Hooters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8ic1/whats_a_newborn_baby_favorite_restaurant/
%
What was the last thing to go through the basejumper's mind when he crashed into a rock?

His butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8ebl/what_was_the_last_thing_to_go_through_the/
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Damn Wisp

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She
got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple
went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked
Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar. The
couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured
she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd
it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8dzn/damn_wisp/
%
A teacher confiscates two birds, a dog, and a handgun from a kindergarten student.

Teacher: "What are you doing with these things?!"
Student: "I'm practicing my alphabet."
Teacher: "Bringing animals and a gun to class is no way to learn!"
Student: "Sure it is. I have a beagle, a seagull, a Deagle, and an eagle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8cvw/a_teacher_confiscates_two_birds_a_dog_and_a/
%
My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.

“Which sister?” is not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8cng/my_wife_once_asked_me_if_i_would_ever_sleep_with/
%
I am almost completely Irish

....in fact, all summer when I was on my college break I thought to myself "Irish I was drinking right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w8805/i_am_almost_completely_irish/
%
Why was Batman in Texas trying to stop the Hurricane?

Because it kept leaving Harvey Dents everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w81ub/why_was_batman_in_texas_trying_to_stop_the/
%
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w7ueg/a_man_sees_a_sign_outside_a_house_talking_dog_for/
%
I like my men like I like my coffee

I don't like coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w7n3m/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w7n2f/dont_ever_take_a_sleeping_pill_and_a_laxative_at/
%
Why did hitler kill himself?

He got his gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w7mo6/why_did_hitler_kill_himself/
%
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $2.99, but, deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w7kj9/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
My girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend

And when I do the same, I am called a gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w7kg8/my_girlfriend_cheated_on_me_with_my_best_friend/
%
My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"

.... so I poked her in the eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w7gq8/my_girlfriend_looked_at_me_with_her_sexy_eyes_and/
%
What's the best way to make a bandana?

Stick your d in the middle of a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w7dsk/whats_the_best_way_to_make_a_bandana/
%
Pro Life Tip

Don't get an abortion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w7d1e/pro_life_tip/
%
What is the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w76vx/what_is_the_opposite_of_irony/
%
Texas refuses to remove its statues.

Hurricane volunteers to help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w768n/texas_refuses_to_remove_its_statues/
%
I am a modern man, I don’t mind buying tampons.

But apparently, they are not a “proper present”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w75u0/i_am_a_modern_man_i_dont_mind_buying_tampons/
%
What do you call Neil Degrasse Tyson pouring champagne on his chest?

An astro-fizzy-tits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w74ge/what_do_you_call_neil_degrasse_tyson_pouring/
%
My grandfather died yesterday

I'll never forget his last words "stop shaking the ladder you little cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6wly/my_grandfather_died_yesterday/
%
I saw a bird that couldn't decide if he wanted to leave my yard.

He was on the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6wa5/i_saw_a_bird_that_couldnt_decide_if_he_wanted_to/
%
It must suck being raised by gay parents.

Either you get stuck with double the dad jokes or get thrown into an infinite loop of "go ask your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6vsb/it_must_suck_being_raised_by_gay_parents/
%
I asked my doctor why he fed me nothing but pancakes during quarantiane

"It's all we're able to slip under the door" he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6uqv/i_asked_my_doctor_why_he_fed_me_nothing_but/
%
I used to be brilliant at robotic dancing.

I’m a bit rusty now though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6s1t/i_used_to_be_brilliant_at_robotic_dancing/
%
Blonde's

An evil genie captured a blonde and her two friends and banished them to the desert for a week. The genie allowed each person to bring one thing.
The first friend brought a canteen so he wouldn't die of thirst.
The second friend brought an umbrella to keep the sun off.
The blonde brought a car door, because if it got too hot she could just roll down the window!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6rns/blondes/
%
Blonde painting a house

Did you hear about the blonde who wore two jackets when she painted the house?
The instructions on the can said: "Put on two coats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6ra2/blonde_painting_a_house/
%
Yesterday I saw a car with a boot sticker saying, “I’m a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal.”

It was at that moment that I suddenly realized just how many gynecologists there are on the roads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6po6/yesterday_i_saw_a_car_with_a_boot_sticker_saying/
%
Im friends with princess Diana on Xbox,

She never plays games though, she's always on the dashboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6n5q/im_friends_with_princess_diana_on_xbox/
%
Sometimes I wish my wife had a penis.

So she could understand my frustration of never getting to use mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6khd/sometimes_i_wish_my_wife_had_a_penis/
%
What did the bishop say to the lazy priest?

You need to exorcise more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6ik8/what_did_the_bishop_say_to_the_lazy_priest/
%
I uploaded a video to YouTube of me filming around my windowless house.

Zero views.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6cp8/i_uploaded_a_video_to_youtube_of_me_filming/
%
If a stork brings white babies and a crow brings black babies, what type of bird brings no babies?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6bq0/if_a_stork_brings_white_babies_and_a_crow_brings/
%
What's the difference between Mcgregor and Mayweather?

Mcgregor hugs his wife and beats his opponents while
Mayweather beats his wife and hugs his opponents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6bev/whats_the_difference_between_mcgregor_and/
%
Today I hit a blind person

He did not see it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w6afd/today_i_hit_a_blind_person/
%
As a hardworking American I'm proud to finally say I'm a millionaire

Unfortunately, nobody in the states is accepting payment with Zimbabwean dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w692v/as_a_hardworking_american_im_proud_to_finally_say/
%
Yara called me and said, "come over no one's home." I went over...

...and sure enough, No One was home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w66dp/yara_called_me_and_said_come_over_no_ones_home_i/
%
Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia?

Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w63ai/who_was_the_unluckiest_person_in_soviet_russia/
%
What’s unnatural in God’s eyes?

Contact lenses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w618c/whats_unnatural_in_gods_eyes/
%
My motto in life is to always give 100%

It does make blood donation quite tricky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5zks/my_motto_in_life_is_to_always_give_100/
%
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant

But then I changed my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5ydh/i_wasnt_originally_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates.

If you're allergic to nuts, you might die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5y4z/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
[NSFW] A man is on a date with an attractive woman. She tells him "I won't sleep with you unless you have a 12 inch dick."

The man responds "I don't fold my dick in half for anyone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5wma/nsfw_a_man_is_on_a_date_with_an_attractive_woman/
%
Did I ever tell you the joke about the guy suffering from dementia?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5vzo/did_i_ever_tell_you_the_joke_about_the_guy/
%
A lesbian woman is hitting on another woman in a bar.....

The other woman tells the lesbian "Im sorry but I straight."
The lesbian wispers into her ear, "So is spaghetti, until it gets hot and wet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5smi/a_lesbian_woman_is_hitting_on_another_woman_in_a/
%
A thief just stole some of soil and I'm going after him.

I'm losing ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5shj/a_thief_just_stole_some_of_soil_and_im_going/
%
Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.
A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacuate, but she refuses saying "Jesus will provide".
At first, the storm is light but as the night progresses the wind and rain kill the power. Time passes, and soon the storm surge has her up on the roof of her house. She brings only an electric lantern and prays "Jesus will provide".
Another hour passes, and to her surprise the coast guard is patrolling the floodwaters looking for people trying to brave the storm. They motion her to board the boat, but she refuses. "Jesus will provide"
A few more hours pass, and the boat a second time tries to get this woman into the boat. A second time, she refuses. "Jesus will provide"
At this point, her house is nearly completely underwater. Only a tiny section of her roof is still above water. Seeing how dire the situation is, the coast guard tries to force to woman into the boat. But she fights them off with her lantern shouting "Jesus will provide". Seeing the futility of their efforts, the coast guard leaves. Not long after, the woman slips on a shingle, and drowns in the floodwaters.
In front of St. Peter, the woman is livid and demands to see Jesus. How could her lord and savior not save such a good Christian woman such as herself?
It takes some time, but she eventually meets Jesus where she asks
"Lord, I prayed to you every day. Why did you not save me during the storm?"
Confused, Jesus looks at her.
"Lady, I sent the boat back three times"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5qou/fitting_joke_for_hurricane_harvey/
%
Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5o8h/some_guy_just_assaulted_me_with_milk_cream_and/
%
What temperature is best for helping babies grow?

Womb temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5nrw/what_temperature_is_best_for_helping_babies_grow/
%
Tesla released a car air freshener last week...

They call it Elon's Musk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5lbh/tesla_released_a_car_air_freshener_last_week/
%
What does spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5jov/what_does_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
%
I'm not a germaphobe.

I just don't agree with their lifestyle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5j5l/im_not_a_germaphobe/
%
Jon Snows going to feel itchy during the GOT season finale!

What else would you expect with aunts in your pants?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5f6o/jon_snows_going_to_feel_itchy_during_the_got/
%
I posted a picture of an angry Pepe on /r/dankmemes

But the mods deleted it because it was a REEEEE post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w5ew8/i_posted_a_picture_of_an_angry_pepe_on_rdankmemes/
%
I like my women like I like my sandwiches

WITHOUT DICKS IN THEM JESSICA YOU WHORE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w58q0/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_sandwiches/
%
What kind of bees make milk?

Boo-bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w56ho/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk/
%
A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted,

"Oh, pun the door"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w532l/a_man_noted_for_telling_puns_was_locked_into_a/
%
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w52g3/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
%
Syria has a lot of nice reviews

Everyone says they got blown away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w52ck/syria_has_a_lot_of_nice_reviews/
%
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w51yj/as_a_scarecrow_people_say_im_outstanding_in_my/
%
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

The don’t meet the koalafications

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w51bo/why_arent_koalas_actual_bears/
%
SOME PEOPLE WEAR TOO MUCH MASCARA

Sorry, I hate it when I lash out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w4zo8/some_people_wear_too_much_mascara/
%
An Indian boy throws cow dung at a British missionary.

He yells, "holy shit!"
Indian boy- Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w4prj/an_indian_boy_throws_cow_dung_at_a_british/
%
What do you call a Scottish computer?

Mac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w4ppc/what_do_you_call_a_scottish_computer/
%
Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?

Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w4pnf/why_did_the_mermaid_rush_out_of_her_maths_exam/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w4o9r/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
I woke up this morning and thought I had tunnel vision.

Luckily it was a false alarm, the wife just fancied a 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w4m21/i_woke_up_this_morning_and_thought_i_had_tunnel/
%
Make love to me like in the movies

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w4ksw/make_love_to_me_like_in_the_movies/
%
My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.

So I poked her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w4kl2/my_ex_updated_her_status_on_facebook_to_standing/
%
What do nuts say when they sneeze?

Cashew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w4ix9/what_do_nuts_say_when_they_sneeze/
%
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

The dog replied, "but that would make no sense at all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w4i8x/a_dog_went_to_a_telegram_office_took_out_a_blank/
%
Student: Is it true you made a car that only runs on gas?!?

Professor: Yes, I Madagascar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w4gpd/student_is_it_true_you_made_a_car_that_only_runs/
%
What's the difference between North Koreans and Americans?

The Americans had a chance to vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w4ec2/whats_the_difference_between_north_koreans_and/
%
The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w49o2/the_doctor_said_my_voice_box_is_damaged_and_i_may/
%
I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porn movie

But there are too many holes in the plot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w47gj/im_trying_to_finish_writing_a_script_for_a_porn/
%
What do Bermuda triangele and blondes have in common?

They've both swallowed a lot of Seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w46u4/what_do_bermuda_triangele_and_blondes_have_in/
%
What do French men have that French women don't?

A oui oui.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w46a1/what_do_french_men_have_that_french_women_dont/
%
I’ve searched high and low, far and wide for my wife’s killer.

So far, nobody is willing to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w448r/ive_searched_high_and_low_far_and_wide_for_my/
%
If you fell off a tall building

and had never studied physics, would you understand the gravity of the situation?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w43ac/if_you_fell_off_a_tall_building/
%
So there's two fish in a tank...

And one says to the other "how do we drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w415o/so_theres_two_fish_in_a_tank/
%
What do you call twin boys with no arms and no legs hanging from a window?

Kurt and Rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w40ps/what_do_you_call_twin_boys_with_no_arms_and_no/
%
Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?

Ireland.
Every year its dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w3trp/which_countrys_capital_is_the_fastest_growing/
%
90s kids won’t get this...

Social Security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w3tdi/90s_kids_wont_get_this/
%
How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a goose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w3rsl/how_do_you_get_down_from_an_elephant/
%
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w3rru/my_dad_died_when_we_couldnt_remember_his_blood/
%
I’ve been having sex with a set of twins for a couple months. People have asked me how hard it is to tell them apart, but it is actually quite easy.

You see, Caroline is a redhead with an amazing pair of tits, and Alex has a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w3j2m/ive_been_having_sex_with_a_set_of_twins_for_a/
%
What is oxygen's favourite place?

The O zone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w3j1l/what_is_oxygens_favourite_place/
%
I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster...

Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w3i6t/i_entered_a_my_pet_snail_into_a_race_and_removed/
%
Gorbachev visits Washington

. He is in the Oval office with Reagan. He noticed a red button on the president’s desk. So Gorbachev sits down on Reagan's desk and presses the button out of curiosity. A trapdoor opens above his head, and a bucket of shit empties on his head. Reagan is rolling on the floor laughing. “ You commies fall for the same trick every time”
A month later Reagan is visiting the Kremlin. Sits down at Gorbachev’s deck and sure as expected, It too has a red button
Reagan presses it and looks up. No shit . Presses it again and still no shit dropped on his head.
He is disappointed. “you commies have no sense of humour, I pressed the button twice and no shit. Next time you are in Washington, I will show you a good joke”
Gorbachev says “ WHAT WASHINGTON?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w3beu/gorbachev_visits_washington/
%
What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w39yd/what_has_4_wheels_and_flies/
%
I remember my mother telling me, “I have no favorite child.”

Harsh seeing as I’m an only child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w39ce/i_remember_my_mother_telling_me_i_have_no/
%
Turns out my coworker and I share the same fetish

i quickly realized though we got off on the wrong foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w38i1/turns_out_my_coworker_and_i_share_the_same_fetish/
%
How can you tell if your computer might be a Nazi?

It gets turned on if you push Ctrl+Alt+Right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w37iy/how_can_you_tell_if_your_computer_might_be_a_nazi/
%
A black man and his latino friend are in a car. Who's driving?

The police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w365c/a_black_man_and_his_latino_friend_are_in_a_car/
%
Why do women have to be beautiful and stupid?

They're beautiful so men will like them
But they're stupid so they'll like men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w35fq/why_do_women_have_to_be_beautiful_and_stupid/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape North Korea's long range nuclear missiles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w2yka/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Why are incest videos so popular on PornHub right now?

Because West Virginia finally got internet access.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w2xfk/why_are_incest_videos_so_popular_on_pornhub_right/
%
What do you call a sociopathic Englishman with flatulence?

Jack the Ripper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w2w7j/what_do_you_call_a_sociopathic_englishman_with/
%
What do you use when you want to clean windows during a seance?

a squeegee board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w2pa8/what_do_you_use_when_you_want_to_clean_windows/
%
Why French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast-food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w2mt3/why_french_people_eat_snails/
%
Recently, I've been trying to recapture my lost youth

I really need to get a better lock on my cellar door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w2jil/recently_ive_been_trying_to_recapture_my_lost/
%
My local park doesn't allow wheeled vehicles inside.

Today a group of people are protesting this rule by driving a huge cart through the park. At first I didn't like the idea but I changed my mind and jumped on the banned wagon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w2flj/my_local_park_doesnt_allow_wheeled_vehicles_inside/
%
Reddit runs the news now. It's called the...

Washington Repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w25f4/reddit_runs_the_news_now_its_called_the/
%
How was the first time I had sex?

It was like my first football game:
I was glad my dad came early

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w23xt/how_was_the_first_time_i_had_sex/
%
Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w22cw/trumpets_and_guns/
%
Why couldn't the Italian get inside his house?

He had gnocchi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w1u72/why_couldnt_the_italian_get_inside_his_house/
%
Have you ever heard that joke about german sausages?

It's the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w1rp4/have_you_ever_heard_that_joke_about_german/
%
I burned my frozen Hawaiian Pizza...

Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w1mo9/i_burned_my_frozen_hawaiian_pizza/
%
What does Valve have in common with a blonde?

Both of them can't count to three

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w1h58/what_does_valve_have_in_common_with_a_blonde/
%
Former president Clinton

Walks into a dry cleaner with a suit,
"I'm in a hurry can I get this by 3 today?"
The clerk, preoccupied, quickly looked up and asked "come again?"
"No, it was mustard this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w1f8u/former_president_clinton/
%
Is it too soon to say a Hurricane Harvey joke

Or should I just wait for everything to blow over?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w146v/is_it_too_soon_to_say_a_hurricane_harvey_joke/
%
What's the best vitamin for friendship?

B1
Shout out to the random guy on the street that told me this joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0zf8/whats_the_best_vitamin_for_friendship/
%
In an all out fight between a married couple

The wife says: I would be better of marrying the devil instead of you!
The husband replies: no you couldn't. Marriage between family members is not legal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0z5r/in_an_all_out_fight_between_a_married_couple/
%
Wives and grenades have one thing in common...

When you take off the ring, your house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0w8k/wives_and_grenades_have_one_thing_in_common/
%
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0w6b/two_men_are_playing_golf_one_of_them_is_about_to/
%
Our complaint department manager is Helen Waite.

So if you have a complaint go to Helen Waite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0v20/our_complaint_department_manager_is_helen_waite/
%
A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms....

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.
The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.
The mathematician takes a match, lights it, and extinguishes it in a glass of water. He declares: "A solution exists." and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0uac/a_chemist_an_engineer_and_a_mathematician_were/
%
T.G.I.F (NSFW?) (Blonde)

A blonde gets on an elevator and notices a handsome man standing alone.  She wants to strike up a conversation, so she says, "T.G.I.F."
The man replies, "S.H.I.T."
Thinking he must not have heard her correctly, the blonde repeats, "T.G.I.F."
Again, the man replies, "S.H.I.T."
Undeterred, she says, "T.G.I.F. - Thank God it's Friday!"
The man replies, "S.H.I.T. - Sorry Hon, it's Thursday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0u9k/tgif_nsfw_blonde/
%
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are traveling by train to a conference...

At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0tl1/three_apple_engineers_and_three_microsoft/
%
went to confession after a long break

I was feeling depressed, and life wasn't going so well, when walking down the street I passed the church. It had been many years since I went to church, and just as long since I last went to the confessional.
Perhaps, I thought, getting right with god would help fix my life.
I went into the church, and the dim light and smell of incence brought it all back. I headed for the confession booth and went straight in.
Wow, things had changed in all those years. There was a comfy chair, a small screen TV, the WiFi password. Then I opened the cupboard and inside was a bottle of fine malt scotch, and some cigars! Suddenly the door opened and the priest appeared, and he said sharply "get out! your on my side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0svi/went_to_confession_after_a_long_break/
%
What do you call an underwater group of canines?

Sub-woofers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0ps2/what_do_you_call_an_underwater_group_of_canines/
%
What is the keyboard shortcut to becoming an idiot who throws temper tantrums like a child?

Alt-right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0oik/what_is_the_keyboard_shortcut_to_becoming_an/
%
CHILDLESS PSYCHICS

Q: Why can't psychics have children?
A: Their husbands have crystal balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0nfh/childless_psychics/
%
I put all my fish in their new tank, but they don't seem to be liking it very much.

Perhaps I should have added water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0mpk/i_put_all_my_fish_in_their_new_tank_but_they_dont/
%
An Asian man decides to move to Manhattan to start a business, but when he gets to New York there are no high rise buildings. Where is he?

Rong Island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0krp/an_asian_man_decides_to_move_to_manhattan_to/
%
If I had a penny for every time somebody said I was materialistic...

I'd probably be able to afford some Gucci socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0k07/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_time_somebody_said_i/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too Far Out Mannn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0j0j/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A Four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0imm/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0iju/a_thief_in_paris_planned_to_steal_some_paintings/
%
Women are like road maps.

I spend a lot of time looking at them, but they always end up making me confused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0fmi/women_are_like_road_maps/
%
Whats the difference between heroin and black people?

I'd think twice about shooting heroin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0e31/whats_the_difference_between_heroin_and_black/
%
Irishman steps up on Mastermind, the quiz show. His chosen topic: the Irish Rebellion, 1916.

- **Quizmaster**: 'Your first question: who read the *Proclamation of Independence* from the steps of the GPO?'
- **Contestant**: 'Pass'
- **Quizmaster**: 'OK. Second question: name the Irish rebel leader born in Scotland.'
- **Contestant**: 'Pass'
- **Quizmaster**: 'Question three: which *Countess* was an important leader in the rebellion?'
- **Contestant**: 'Pass'
Suddenly, his friend in the audience shouts:
**'THAT'S IT HUEY, YOU TELL 'EM NOTHIN'!'**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w0bz2/irishman_steps_up_on_mastermind_the_quiz_show_his/
%
RIP boiled water 2017-2017

You will be Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w09mi/rip_boiled_water_20172017/
%
My mom told me that if I kept masturbating, I'd go blind.

I couldn't help it! The eclipse was so beautiful!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w08m1/my_mom_told_me_that_if_i_kept_masturbating_id_go/
%
I just wanted a beer but I woke up at the hospital

I was at the sofa watching TV with my wife. Then I asked her if she could bring me a beer, and she said no because she didn't want to miss that part of the soap opera. Her phone was recharging at the kitchen, and it starts ringing. She got up really fast and ran to the kitchen. "Hello", she said. "Since you're in the kitchen, could you bring me a beer?", I asked on the phone. I don't know if it was my golf club or my son's baseball bat, but everything after that is a blank on my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w08ey/i_just_wanted_a_beer_but_i_woke_up_at_the_hospital/
%
A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest....

They stop to take a dump.  The bear asks the rabbit, "does shit stick to your fur?", "No", the rabbit replies.  So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w089y/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_walking_through_the_forest/
%
Just been to an apathetic Japanese restaurant.

No forks were given.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w06o8/just_been_to_an_apathetic_japanese_restaurant/
%
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judge says, "First offender?"
She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w05vb/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
%
Looking for their wives

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w05bf/looking_for_their_wives/
%
Did you know that pigeons die after having sex?

well,
the ones I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w02l5/did_you_know_that_pigeons_die_after_having_sex/
%
I started carrying a concealed revolver after an attempted robbery a while back.

Since then my robberies have been a lot more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w026n/i_started_carrying_a_concealed_revolver_after_an/
%
An old man enters a jewelry store with a much younger woman

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
"By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir... there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man... "But let me tell you about my weekend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6w00na/an_old_man_enters_a_jewelry_store_with_a_much/
%
Why did the football coach break into the vending machine?

To get his quarterback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vzxzi/why_did_the_football_coach_break_into_the_vending/
%
When my wife pisses me off, I try to piss her off by writing her name backwards when we text.

Take that, Hannah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vzuz0/when_my_wife_pisses_me_off_i_try_to_piss_her_off/
%
I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the Oregon Zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vzrsv/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
Did you hear about the guy with the invisible dick?

He came out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vzpvh/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_the_invisible_dick/
%
Joe approached the gates of Heaven and God asked him what he had done in life that made him worthy...

Joe: "I once saw a gang of bikers harassing a woman, so I went up to the biggest and baddest one, gave him a punch across the face, and said 'If you want to mess with her again, you'll have to go through me first.'"
God: "Really? When was that?"
Joe: "About 5 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vzpbk/joe_approached_the_gates_of_heaven_and_god_asked/
%
How do you find out how heavy a Chili Pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vzmui/how_do_you_find_out_how_heavy_a_chili_pepper_is/
%
Wife: I said any fantasy. I wore the police uniform, isn't that enough?!

Me: No, no. Now say the words.
Wife: Fine!!
Me: .....
Wife: Sir, I have bad news about your wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vzlk8/wife_i_said_any_fantasy_i_wore_the_police_uniform/
%
Two cows are standing in a pasture. The first cow says "Hey have you heard about the mad cow disease going around?" and the second cow says...

"No, luckily I'm a helicopter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vzgkx/two_cows_are_standing_in_a_pasture_the_first_cow/
%
My penis was once in the Guinness World Records book.

Until the librarian told me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vze8f/my_penis_was_once_in_the_guinness_world_records/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me, saying I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.

We'll see about that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vz89n/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_saying_i_have_an/
%
A nun walks on the street...

...suddenly a soldier, panting heavily, runs up to her.
"Dear sister, no time to explain, but please let me hide under your dress!"
Nun shrugs and lets soldier crawl under her dress.
Moments later, two officers run up to nun. "Sister, have you seen a soldier running around here?"
"No, I haven't", nun responds.
Officers keep on running.
Soldier crawls out and thanks the nun.
"Oh sister, I'm just hiding and evading draft because I don't want to go to fight in Afghanistan. By the way - don't take it the wrong way.... you have one most awesome set of thighs".
Nun chuckles: "Look kid, if you'd looked even higher while you were under my dress, you would also notice even more awesome set of balls. See - I don't want to go to Afghanistan neither."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vz7tz/a_nun_walks_on_the_street/
%
How many terrorists are there in heaven?

You'll have to c-4 yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vz75h/how_many_terrorists_are_there_in_heaven/
%
I have a pet tree...

It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vz25o/i_have_a_pet_tree/
%
What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex-Tape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vywvd/what_does_kim_kardashian_use_to_fix_holes/
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My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony

Daylight robbery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vyv4k/my_neighbor_tried_to_charge_me_20_to_watch_the/
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My favourite teacher was a turtle.

I remember everything he tortoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vyuqr/my_favourite_teacher_was_a_turtle/
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What did the cannibal say as he took his spouse's thigh out of the refrigerator?

Today is the first day of the rest of my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vyubq/what_did_the_cannibal_say_as_he_took_his_spouses/
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I know women like to be mysterious...

But turning signals are for safty purposes..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vyu95/i_know_women_like_to_be_mysterious/
%
V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vytd2/v/
%
Why couldn't the Amish go waterskiing?

Because the horses might drown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vysrq/why_couldnt_the_amish_go_waterskiing/
%
What does a cat call his grandfather?

Grand**paw**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vyof9/what_does_a_cat_call_his_grandfather/
%
I like Fed Ex drivers because...

They are drug dealers and they don't even know it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vykl8/i_like_fed_ex_drivers_because/
%
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now... (more)

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
My friends say I drink too much brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
I'm hooked on deli sandwiches, but I've decided I'm going to quit cold turkey.
My girlfriend used to be a nun, but she dropped the habit.
Anyone have any more one-liners along these lines?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vykel/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap_but_im_clean_now/
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There is a wolf in the woods with a notebook.

(Translated from Russian)
There is a wolf in the woods with a notebook.
He approaches the squirrel.
"Squirrel, what are you doing tomorrow morning?"
-It seems nothing ...
"All right, then I'll write you down for breakfast." Come - I'll eat you!
Squirrel nods doomedly, tears fall from his eyes. The wolf moves on. He sees a deer.
-Deer, what are your plans for tomorrow's middle of the day?
-Well, I was going to the watering hole...
-And can you go to the watering hole in the morning and be free the rest of the day?
-Sure I can!
"Fine, then I write you down for tomorrow's dinner." Come - I'll eat you!
The deer's spirit sank and he humbly said that he would come, since fate is like this. The wolf wandereth further. He meets a cheerful hare.
"Hare, what are you doing tomorrow night?"
-Yes, nothing special, just kicking the can...
-Great! Then I write you down for tomorrow's dinner. Come - and I'll eat you.
-And... can I not come?
-Sure, you can not come. I cross you off the list. *crosses the hare off the list*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vyk5b/there_is_a_wolf_in_the_woods_with_a_notebook/
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My buddy Kelvin said he wanted to go absolute zero today...

I guess that's 0K...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vyhz6/my_buddy_kelvin_said_he_wanted_to_go_absolute/
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You know what's odd?

EVERY OTHER NUMBER.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vyht2/you_know_whats_odd/
%
A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey.

He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a magical bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore.
So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey. He drops his pants and positions himself behind the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey runs away.
Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself behind the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey runs away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles.
She smiles at him and says, "I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
"Anything?" he says, getting fairly excited.
"Yes, anything." she replies.
So he says, "Will you hold the donkey?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vyh2s/a_man_is_riding_aimlessly_through_the_desert_on_a/
%
Two guys meet up in a bar

The first one asks, “Did your hear the news? Mike is dead!”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!” “No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!” “No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”
“No no, he survived that…”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“He was wrecking my house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vyg43/two_guys_meet_up_in_a_bar/
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A dad is washing his car with his son...

After a while the son says "Dad, why can't we use a sponge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vyetf/a_dad_is_washing_his_car_with_his_son/
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was lick the stamps. God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vyesz/a_lawyer_married_a_woman_who_had_previously/
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A Man Suffered from a 3rd degree burn in his face...

So his Wife donated a piece of her butt skin for surgery. After that He got his cheeks again and Asked his Wife how he can repay her ever again. She said dear when I see your mother and sisters kissing my Ass It well be more that enough of a reward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vybwq/a_man_suffered_from_a_3rd_degree_burn_in_his_face/
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I'm concerned with the world news at the moment. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York,

and I was thinking.
"If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vybl6/im_concerned_with_the_world_news_at_the_moment/
%
I went to a pet shop. I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’

I said ‘I don’t care what fucking star sign it is’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vyb3e/i_went_to_a_pet_shop_i_said_can_i_buy_a_goldfish/
%
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't quit my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking.

Then I saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vy969/my_wife_threatened_to_leave_me_if_i_didnt_quit_my/
%
Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.

Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vy24y/masturbating_while_looking_in_a_mirror_isnt_wrong/
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I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vy22i/i_really_wanted_to_make_an_obscure_joke_about/
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Hey guys I am making a group where we can share and promote smoking weed

We shall be called the Joint Forces

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vy0sq/hey_guys_i_am_making_a_group_where_we_can_share/
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I was thinking of taking a new job where I'll care for horses all day. It's not a high paying job,

but it is a stable one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vxzw1/i_was_thinking_of_taking_a_new_job_where_ill_care/
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What's the most sensitive part of the body when masturbating/

The ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vxxlt/whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_the_body_when/
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The company Valve is just like a child. It came into the world on the 24th August, 1996. Nurtured by a community...

...only to get fucked as soon as it turns 21.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vxtaz/the_company_valve_is_just_like_a_child_it_came/
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I was at an office party last night.

They played the Twist and I twisted, they played Jump Around and I jumped around. Unfortunately, I was asked to leave when they played Come on Eileen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vxpjr/i_was_at_an_office_party_last_night/
%
What did the horny toothbrush say to it's partner...

I want some Oral, B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vxkml/what_did_the_horny_toothbrush_say_to_its_partner/
%
The invisible patient.

Nurse: Doc, there's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should i tell him.?
Doc: Tell him i can't see him today!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vxhp0/the_invisible_patient/
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What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes?

They should get a No-Bell prize. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vxgbc/what_should_happen_to_the_person_who_invented/
%
I found a useful website for people with commitment issues.

But I didn't want to sign up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vxf0g/i_found_a_useful_website_for_people_with/
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I'm at the beach with my friend. He's a huge prankster.

He's just gone way out into the water with some of that red food colouring.
Hasn't moved for about ten minutes. Brilliant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vxevh/im_at_the_beach_with_my_friend_hes_a_huge/
%
Three people having sex...

is called a threesome, four people a foursome.  Now it hits me why everyone keeps calling me "handsome"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vxdie/three_people_having_sex/
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WIFE : What would you do if i died ? Would you get married again

Husband : No....
Wife : Why not ? Don't you like being married ?
Husband : Of course i do.
Wife : Then why wouldn't you remarry ?
Husband : Ok, ok, i'd get married again....
Wife : Would you live in our house with your new Wife....?
Husband : Yes, it's a great house.
Wife : Would you let her drive my car ?
Husband : Yes, its almost new, dear.
Wife : Would you give her my jewelry ?
Husband : No.. I am sure she would want her own..
Wife : Would she wear my shoes..?
Husband : No, her size is '6'
Wife : --silence--
Husband : 'shiiit'...!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vxafp/wife_what_would_you_do_if_i_died_would_you_get/
%
Where do plants go after having sex for the first time?

Plant Parenthood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vx762/where_do_plants_go_after_having_sex_for_the_first/
%
Family vacation

A family walked into a hotel. as they were looking for their reservation, the father tells the man in the front desk "the porn better be disabled"
The man in the front desk exclaimed "it's just regular porn you sick-fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vx3vb/family_vacation/
%
How many terrorists jokes are out there?

You'll have to c-4 yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vx37s/how_many_terrorists_jokes_are_out_there/
%
What do you call a blind person jerking off?

Taking a shot in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vwx83/what_do_you_call_a_blind_person_jerking_off/
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I bought some cherry lube the other day but I didn't end up using it.

Turns out cherries are already pretty easy to shove up your arsehole as they are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vwvy1/i_bought_some_cherry_lube_the_other_day_but_i/
%
I woke up to a surprise blowjob this morning.

I should really start sleeping with my mouth closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vws8z/i_woke_up_to_a_surprise_blowjob_this_morning/
%
Hitler tried to count...

But he couldn't get past nein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vwrcl/hitler_tried_to_count/
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What does Hurricane Harvey and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They will both blow the entire coast just to get on TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vwksl/what_does_hurricane_harvey_and_kim_kardashian/
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A Blonde Crashes a helicopter

A passerby jumps out and rushes up to her and exclaims,"What happened!?". She explains,"It got cold so I turned off the fan".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vwgwg/a_blonde_crashes_a_helicopter/
%
A traveling salesman knocks on a door...

A traveling salesman knocks on a door. Seconds later, a stunning woman answers, wearing a see-thru neglige'. Her body is the stuff of dreams. She leans out the door and whispers- "Quick! I hear somebody coming! Come inside!" The man enters and the woman drops the neglige' to the floor. "Tell me", she says, "What would you say is the most amazing thing about my body?" The man says- "Your ears." "My ears?", says the beauty. The man says- "Yeah. When you heard somebody coming? It was me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vwfoe/a_traveling_salesman_knocks_on_a_door/
%
Why are ghosts so popular at parties?

Because they always bring the boos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vwf5x/why_are_ghosts_so_popular_at_parties/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too mysterious

Or did she?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vwe6x/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_she_said_i/
%
If you ever get into an argument with a girl and she pulls a knife,

Pull out ham, bread, and mayo. Instincts will kick in and she will make you a sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vwcn4/if_you_ever_get_into_an_argument_with_a_girl_and/
%
Today when I get home, the first thing I am gonna do is tear my wife’s bra right off

The straps are killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vwabw/today_when_i_get_home_the_first_thing_i_am_gonna/
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"I've made a lot of sacrifices to get to where I am today,"

said the Aztec high priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vw8zo/ive_made_a_lot_of_sacrifices_to_get_to_where_i_am/
%
Forty-five year old ass

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vw7ty/fortyfive_year_old_ass/
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What is politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vw739/what_is_politics/
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My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t inappropriate,

but I saw right through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vw6h8/my_daughter_was_trying_to_convince_me_that_the/
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What did Hurricane Harvey say to the coconut palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vw3tk/what_did_hurricane_harvey_say_to_the_coconut_palm/
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What did the Little Boy say when he went to Japan?

Ka-boom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vw3gj/what_did_the_little_boy_say_when_he_went_to_japan/
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Rich man, poor man

After Mother's Day, two long time friends, one rich and one poor, were catching up. The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for Mother's Day. Rich man replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a BMW. Poor man asks, "Why would you get her both?" Rich man says, "So, if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive it back to the jeweler with her new car." The rich man then asks the poor man what he got his wife for Mother's Day. Poor man replies, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo." Rich man asks, "Why would you get her both of those?" Poor man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vw1w3/rich_man_poor_man/
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Hey, did you hear about the dead cat on mars?

Curiosity killed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vw1uu/hey_did_you_hear_about_the_dead_cat_on_mars/
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boss-employee

Boss to Employee : What are you doing today?
Employee : Nothing.
Boss : But yesterday also you did nothing.
Employee : Yeah,  but I could not finish it yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vw0cb/bossemployee/
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What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvwgd/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
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Why did little Jimmy drop his ice cream?

He forgot to look both ways before crossing the street

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvvfb/why_did_little_jimmy_drop_his_ice_cream/
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Right testicle tied to ....

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvtej/right_testicle_tied_to/
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What do the mafia and a vagina have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvrhf/what_do_the_mafia_and_a_vagina_have_in_common/
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My wife's favorite joke

It took me months to gather courage to post this here, but, it's finally time. It's a terrible joke, so please be gentle.
A drunk man climbs a street light, and starts yelling that he will commit suicide.
A woman who was passing by, sees the scene, and start trying to convince the man to climb down, to what he answers:
"You don't pay my bills, you know nothing about my problems! I'm gonna jump and end it all!"
Unable to convince him otherwise, the woman cries for help.
Two men appear and try to convince the drunk man to give up on his suicide, but in vain.
"I'm gonna jump! I'm gonna end my misery", the drunk man goes on.
Suddenly, it is a commotion. People start to gather around, some trying to convince the man to climb down, some making bets on it, some filming, and stuff. After a while even the press arrived.
At this point, comes a cop.
The cop yells to the man: "COME DOWN, NOW!!!", to which the drunk man responds:
"You have nothing to do with this! I want to kill myself and I'm going to!"
"COME DOWN, IT'S MY LAST WARNING!!!" says the cop.
"NO!" replies the drunk man.
The cop then draw his gun and point to the drunk man, and yells:
"COME DOWN NOW!"
The drunk man then replies "OK, OK, no need for violence, I'm coming down now."
(I know you giggled a little but this is not the joke yet, keep reading)
The drunk man, not without difficulties, finally climb down the street light, for everyone's relief (except the ones who bet he was going to jump)
As the man reaches the ground, everyone is calmed down, and some even start to leave, but the cop is pretty pissed with him.
"FIRST OF ALL, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" Yells the cop to the Drunk man.
"What?, you dont remember me, buddy?"
"DONT CALL ME BUDDY YOU DRUNK SCUM!!! IM NOT YOUR BUDDY!!! IM NOT FRIENDS WITH DRUNK PEOPLE LIKE YOU! NOW TELL ME WHO YOU ARE!!!"
"Aww, c'mon! Of course you remember me! "
"I ALREADY SAID I'M NOT FRIENDS WITH SCUM LIKE YOU! I DONT KNOW YOU, SO TELL ME ALREADY, WHO ARE YOU!"
"Well, I'm deeply offended. Really. Cant believe you don't remember me, man."
"STOP SAYING THAT AND TELL ME WHO ARE YOU?"
"You really dont remember me, then?"
"NO!!! ONCE AND FOR ALL, WHO. THE. HELL. ARE. YOU????"
"I'm the one who was just there, up in this street light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvp5x/my_wifes_favorite_joke/
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All the hipsters love Steve Jobs

...now that he's underground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvohi/all_the_hipsters_love_steve_jobs/
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The 5 things I can't stand in this world.

5.Racism
4.The Indians
2.Lists
3.Inconsistencies
1.Hypocrisy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvms2/the_5_things_i_cant_stand_in_this_world/
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A 93 year-old Army veteran arrived in Paris by plane.

As he was fumbling in his bag for a passport, a stern French customs agent asked if he was in France before. He admitted that he had indeed been previously. The lady then said, "Then you should know to have your passport out and ready, Sir."
The veteran said, "Well, I didn't have to show it last time."
"Impossible!" says the customs agent,  "all foreigners have always had to show their passport to enter the country."
The veteran responded "Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvjl8/a_93_yearold_army_veteran_arrived_in_paris_by/
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[Nsfw] This girl from Compton had the weirdest IG page. Turns out she was a real life Vampire!

She sucked all the bloods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvhz7/nsfw_this_girl_from_compton_had_the_weirdest_ig/
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I don't lick people who blame anything but themselves for THEIR failure.

*like
Fucking hell, autocorrect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvhhb/i_dont_lick_people_who_blame_anything_but/
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I hate it when you're sitting on the bus and the local weirdo gets on and sits next to you.

You know the type, the ones that watch you masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvfz2/i_hate_it_when_youre_sitting_on_the_bus_and_the/
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This woman is sitting on the bus behind two Italians . . .

She can't help but overhear their conversation. One guy says to the other, "Emma comma first. Then I comma. Then the two asses, they comma togetha. Then I come again. Then, the two asses come together again. Then I come again, then pee twice. Then I come again."
The woman says, "Excuse me, but you need to take your filthy conversation elsewhere."
And the Italian responds, "What? I was justa teachin' my friend how to spell Mississippi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvfy4/this_woman_is_sitting_on_the_bus_behind_two/
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Who opens the jars in a lesbian relationship?

No one.
They eat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvcud/who_opens_the_jars_in_a_lesbian_relationship/
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Cat for Sale

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.
He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvbl4/cat_for_sale/
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NSFW How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

Fake an orgasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vvb8k/nsfw_how_do_you_get_a_dog_to_stop_humping_your_leg/
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What did the saggy boob to the other saggy boob?

We better get some support soon or people will think we're nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vv7v7/what_did_the_saggy_boob_to_the_other_saggy_boob/
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What does Africa hunger and a mercedes have in common?

Princess Diana couldn't stop either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vuyxb/what_does_africa_hunger_and_a_mercedes_have_in/
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I was close to having a threesome.

I just needed two more people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vuxls/i_was_close_to_having_a_threesome/
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A man called his wife while she was driving to warn her.

He said 'Honey, be careful.  I turned on the news and there's a car going the wrong way on the motorway.'
She says 'Oh, not just one car - it's all of them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vuuas/a_man_called_his_wife_while_she_was_driving_to/
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I like to steal from the poor and give to the rich

It's called robbing the hood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vuszy/i_like_to_steal_from_the_poor_and_give_to_the_rich/
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Today I learned there is a difference between a Grammar Nazi and a Grandma Nazi

unfortunately, I have the second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vupqe/today_i_learned_there_is_a_difference_between_a/
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Why did the insane asylum stop accepting homosexual patients?

They only had straight jackets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vujvv/why_did_the_insane_asylum_stop_accepting/
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When god was handing out brains i thought he said trains...

And asked for a slow one.
-my grandma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vuig4/when_god_was_handing_out_brains_i_thought_he_said/
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I'm an adult who likes puns...

I guess you could say I'm a groan-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vuhws/im_an_adult_who_likes_puns/
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Why did all the wives start drinking apple juice.

because O.J. will kill you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vuglg/why_did_all_the_wives_start_drinking_apple_juice/
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Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.

The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."
The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."
The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vubl9/three_engineers_were_discussing_who_could_have/
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A dad was washing his car with his son

After some time the son turns to his dad and asks him: 'Dad, why can't we just use a sponge?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vu9rw/a_dad_was_washing_his_car_with_his_son/
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Why did the old man walk into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vu642/why_did_the_old_man_walk_into_the_well/
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How do you tell the difference between decaf and regular?

Decaf is faced backwards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vu5ne/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_decaf_and/
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The dentist said, "You need two root canals. They'll be expensive, but I'll let you pay...

..for them for $500 a month for 36 months."
I said, "Wow, those sound like car payments."
"They are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vtzdw/the_dentist_said_you_need_two_root_canals_theyll/
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What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole it has often poked before?

**A key**.
--
*Not OC. Rumored to be first joke recorded in 10th century A.D.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vty0e/what_hangs_at_a_mans_thigh_and_wants_to_poke_the/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo?

I've never had a garbanzo on my face before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vtxxq/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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A college student is going to Europe for spring break

He asks his grandfather for some advice, which he happily provides.
"Kid, you gotta go over there and really get rowdy. Fuck any girl you meet, beat the shit out of anyone that gives you the side eye, get your buddies and really tear the town up. You're only young once, and those bastards don't know good fun. When I was there, it was a free for all, haha."
The kid's eyes get wide and his smile splits his face, and he's out the door. A few weeks later, he returns, beaten, missing some teeth, and with no wallet and no luggage. His grandfather regards him incredulously.
"Grandpa, we did just what you said; we kissed and tried to fuck any woman we saw, we picked fights with every guy we didn't like, took whatever we wanted, and we ended up getting the shit kicked out of us over and over! Your advice was horrible!"
"Well kid, who did you go with?" the grandpa asks.
"Just some friends from college! Why, who did you go to Europe with?" the grandson replies.
"Oooh, there's your problem; I went with the Third Reich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vtxtd/a_college_student_is_going_to_europe_for_spring/
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Why was the sand wet?

because the seaweed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vtu2g/why_was_the_sand_wet/
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What is the worst your wife can say during sex?

"Honey, I'm home"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vtr0b/what_is_the_worst_your_wife_can_say_during_sex/
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Doctor: sir I have two bad diagnoses for you...

Doctor: sir I have two bad diagnoses for you, one is that you have worst diarrhoea I have ever seen.
Patient: what's the other one then?
Doctor: you also have very bad amnesia, you can't remember anything from last 15 seconds.
Patient: well at least I don't have diarrhoea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vtpwa/doctor_sir_i_have_two_bad_diagnoses_for_you/
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My internet turned off for 5 minutes..

I met my family.. they were nice people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vtnf6/my_internet_turned_off_for_5_minutes/
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What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vtmwv/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_does_magic_tricks/
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What did Snow White say when the printer jammed?

Someday my prints will come!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vtjym/what_did_snow_white_say_when_the_printer_jammed/
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Please don't kill me for this.

The urge to sing *The Lion Sleeps Tonight* is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vtj9y/please_dont_kill_me_for_this/
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A Grasshopper walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar to get a drink. The bartender walks over to him and says, "hey I have a drink named after you." The Grasshopper responds, "you have a drink named Jeff?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vtit6/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do they call Kim Jong Un’s penis?

Pyongwang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vticw/what_do_they_call_kim_jong_uns_penis/
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I asked my philosophy prof about Nihilism

He said it was all pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vti61/i_asked_my_philosophy_prof_about_nihilism/
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A MATH PROFESSOR'S MISTAKE

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vthn9/a_math_professors_mistake/
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Faith may not be able to move mountains

But I've seen the impact it has on buildings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vtcoy/faith_may_not_be_able_to_move_mountains/
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Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?

Because he had more degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vtbct/why_was_the_thermometer_smarter_than_the/
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What does Vatican City smell like?

Poperie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vtbby/what_does_vatican_city_smell_like/
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I am terrified of elevators...

... I will be taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vt9k0/i_am_terrified_of_elevators/
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Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?

When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
“Dancing,” she replied.
The first school dance I went to, I got fucking expelled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vt7ra/why_are_parents_so_bad_at_discussing_sex_with/
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I was stood in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack.

Then it occurred to me, why the hell am I not drinking it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vt43w/i_was_stood_in_front_of_the_mirror_earlier/
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How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vt143/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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First night in Prison. . NSFW

Jim gets thrown into jail and on his first night meets his new cell mate: an enormous man who quickly proceeds to flop out his huge penis.
Looking into Jims eyes he begins swinging his giant penis.
First he swings it and hits the sink, and the sink cracks.
Then he swings it again and hits the wall and the wall cracks.
Lastly he swings it once more and hits the bars and the bars bend.
He then turns Jim around and gets right up behind him and says:
"You know what I'm gonna do with this cock boy? I'm gonna shove it right up your ass"
"Thank god" Jimmy exclaims.
"I thought you were gonna hit me with it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vswe2/first_night_in_prison_nsfw/
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I got my friend an elephant to put in his room.

He thanked me. I said "don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vsuss/i_got_my_friend_an_elephant_to_put_in_his_room/
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Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women.

he couldn’t believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.
Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.
One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Daniel swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness.
“You can’t believe how happy I am to see you,” he cried.
The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, “You’re a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!”
“Crap,” sighed Daniel, “there go my Sundays.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vsqyk/daniel_fancied_himself_quite_a_ladies_man_so_when/
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They say that coconut water is good for hair.

Now, I understand why my pubes are growing like crazy recently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vspo1/they_say_that_coconut_water_is_good_for_hair/
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I finally figured out why I look so bad in photos.

It's my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vspmp/i_finally_figured_out_why_i_look_so_bad_in_photos/
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An easier question

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.
"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.
"I'll try the easier part first."
The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."
The audience silenced with gross anticipation...
"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vspi2/an_easier_question/
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What does AH stand for in the Periodic Table?

The Element of Surprise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vsi96/what_does_ah_stand_for_in_the_periodic_table/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, cos he's too short to be an ese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vsexz/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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An Italian, a German, and a Brit get captured by the enemy...

Every night a guard would take them one at a time out of their cell and into the interrogation room, tie them up, and torture them to try to get information.
The Brit caved after the first night, the German caved after the second night. The Italian had lasted 7 days and still hadn't said a word. They asked him "hey guy, why don't you just tell them something so this can all be over for you?"
The Italian responded "how do they expect me to talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vsdrg/an_italian_a_german_and_a_brit_get_captured_by/
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A woman is cleaning her bathroom...

...and slips. She does the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She calls her husband.
"I'm kinda stuck to the floor...".
He tries to lift her, but can't do it. So he calls a plumber.
They both tried to pull her up, to no avail.
So he says "I'm sorry, but I think we'll have to break the tiles to get her free, and the hospital should do the rest.".
Then the husband says "Hey, we could fondle her instead.".
The plumber, flabbergasted, says "Why?".
"If we get her wet enough, we can slide her over to the kitchen. The tiles there were only $30 per square foot.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vs9xw/a_woman_is_cleaning_her_bathroom/
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If you have an obsession for the Imperical System...

...we could say you have a foot fetish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vs85x/if_you_have_an_obsession_for_the_imperical_system/
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Kim, Khloe and Kourtney...

The only KKK black men are allowed into

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vs6n0/kim_khloe_and_kourtney/
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“Do you look at your wife’s face when you are having sex?”

“I did once and she looked really angry.”
“Why angry?”
“Because she was watching from the window!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vs4wq/do_you_look_at_your_wifes_face_when_you_are/
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A couple of friends are drinking at a bar

One friend spots a couple of old drunks at the end of the bar and says "that'll be us in ten years".
The other friend looks and says "That's a mirror dumbass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vs2ko/a_couple_of_friends_are_drinking_at_a_bar/
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I've said it before and I'll say it again.

It

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vs28x/ive_said_it_before_and_ill_say_it_again/
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vrupm/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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What's the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend?

The knife has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vrsit/whats_the_difference_between_arguing_with_a_knife/
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What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1.50.
Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vrrmt/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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What do you call a dog with no legs.

It doesn't matter; it's not going to come anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vrr1j/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Life without women would be a pain in the ass.

Literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vrkcr/life_without_women_would_be_a_pain_in_the_ass/
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Mom, someone called me gangster at school today.

Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem
Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vrj9z/mom_someone_called_me_gangster_at_school_today/
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A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer...

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor tells her she doesn't have long. The husband is devastated.
On the way home the husband asks his wife if there is anything he can do for her, a fantasy she's never had fulfilled.
So the wife says, "Well, I've never had cunnilingus. I think I'd like to try that."
So the husband goes down on his wife everyday between the day of her diagnosis and her next appointment. She seems to be getting stronger and healthier with each passing day.
At her next appointment the doctor informs them that she is totally cured of cancer. He asks her what they did to make this happen. So she tells him about how her husband did that for her everyday.
The doctor is absolutely amazed and informs her that she'll live a long and healthy life.
The husband starts crying and his wife asks him if they're tears of joy. He says that they're not, they're tears of sorrow.
The doctor asks why and the husband replies, "I could have saved my mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vrigm/a_mans_wife_is_diagnosed_with_terminal_cancer/
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A couple died in a car crash in the way to their wedding...

A couple dies in a severe car crash on the way to their wedding...
Little did they know they would be  arriving in heaven to meet Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
Upon seeing Peter they asked if they could be married in heaven since they were in everlasting love with each other.
Perplexed by this question Saint Peter asked them to wait and went inside to check.
Quite some time later, as if days had passed, Saint Peter came back and told them that they could be married.
They proceed to tell him that in the long time of wait they started to think, "what if they stop liking each other could they get a divorce?"
Saint Peter Shouted:
-SCREW THIS, IT TOOK ME 3 MONTHS TO FIND A PRIEST IN HEAVEN NO WAY A LAWYER MADE IT PAST LUCIFER.
Edit by: /u/TendoTheTuxedo who made it better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vrhk4/a_couple_died_in_a_car_crash_in_the_way_to_their/
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What do Italians say when their mother gets lost during a war?

Mama MIA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vrdya/what_do_italians_say_when_their_mother_gets_lost/
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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl ...

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vr4rk/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_21_year_old_girl/
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I got this new pain relief ointment.

The directions said to apply liberally so I started bitching about Trump while rubbing it on my pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vr3np/i_got_this_new_pain_relief_ointment/
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Who is the creator of the universe?

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vr1tm/who_is_the_creator_of_the_universe/
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Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?

Because she grew out of her b-shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqyy1/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_seashells/
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As a North Korean I am offended at this "Can't complain" meme. We can complain

But why get killed?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqxlp/as_a_north_korean_i_am_offended_at_this_cant/
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A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers...

The barman gives him five beers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqx0x/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_holds_up_two_fingers/
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My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course.

With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqwlb/my_wife_asked_if_i_would_divorce_her_if_i_won_the/
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This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqwiq/this_past_week_i_made_a_couple_bucks_selling_fake/
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole...

... when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqvdq/little_tim_was_in_the_garden_filling_in_a_hole/
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Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?

He was too far out man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqui1/why_couldnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie_from/
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Your mom went outside for the first time in 38 years...

Everyone just called it an eclipse though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqswa/your_mom_went_outside_for_the_first_time_in_38/
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I had sex with an irresponsible scuba diver.

I was in too deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqsav/i_had_sex_with_an_irresponsible_scuba_diver/
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What's the difference between a lobster with big tits and a barnacle covered bus stop?

Ones's a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqos3/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with_big/
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My fiance asked me what date I'd prefer for our wedding

Apparently, "your sister" was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqeat/my_fiance_asked_me_what_date_id_prefer_for_our/
%
My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn.

She asked me come fix her sink, I been here for an hour and I'm still fixing the damn sink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqbde/my_neighbor_obviously_doesnt_watch_porn/
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I saw a man pull up.....

to a disabled park in a golf buggy. I couldn't help but wonder what his handicap was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqba9/i_saw_a_man_pull_up/
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My friends compare my luck with the ladies to Steph Curry...

I ball pretty hard but I still hit 3's like it's going out of style

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqasq/my_friends_compare_my_luck_with_the_ladies_to/
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I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqarj/i_just_heard_that_my_grandma_has_finally_stopped/
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My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vqagf/my_boss_arrived_at_work_in_a_brandnew_lamborghini/
%
Quitting smoking is the easiest thing ever

Ive done it a thousand times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vq8ml/quitting_smoking_is_the_easiest_thing_ever/
%
Batman impressionist

Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?"
"Go on then"
"NOT THE KRYPTONITE!"
"That's Superman"
"Thanks, I've been practicing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vq74m/batman_impressionist/
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What do we want? An end to tourette's syndrome.....

When do we want it?  Cunt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vq5h2/what_do_we_want_an_end_to_tourettes_syndrome/
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The doctor told me I had 3 months to live

I shot him.
The judge gave me 50 years.
Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vq52b/the_doctor_told_me_i_had_3_months_to_live/
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What does a woman do with her as#hole before she has sex?

She drops him off at the golf course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vq3cb/what_does_a_woman_do_with_her_ashole_before_she/
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What is the difference between hitler and Usain bolt? (Dark joke)

Usain bolt can finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vq29j/what_is_the_difference_between_hitler_and_usain/
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Remember safe sex rules

Don't tell your name or address

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vpyc2/remember_safe_sex_rules/
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My wife and I were going to have sex. After laying there for ten minutes, she turned to me and said...

"What? You can't think of anybody either?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vpwpj/my_wife_and_i_were_going_to_have_sex_after_laying/
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Banana says to the vibrator...

Banana: "Why the fuck are you shaking, I'm the one that will be eaten".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vpua9/banana_says_to_the_vibrator/
%
I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70's music.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vpqk7/i_once_stayed_in_a_haunted_house_that_played_70s/
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You can't trust stairs

They're always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vpmeb/you_cant_trust_stairs/
%
Did you hear about the man who stepped in front of a steamroller?

He was depressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vpk73/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_stepped_in_front/
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Why do people only make bad chemisty jokes?

Because all the good ones argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vpjdm/why_do_people_only_make_bad_chemisty_jokes/
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A man suspected his wife of seeing another man

So he hired the famous Chinese detective Chen Lee, to report any activities while was gone to work.
A few days later he received this report from the renowned detective:
Most honorable Sir,
You leave house. I watch. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in Hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. He play with she, she play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see. No fee.
Yours truly,
Chen Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vpcu1/a_man_suspected_his_wife_of_seeing_another_man/
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Jesus walks up to an Arabic man and asks...

An Arab man is walking his animals when out of nowhere Jesus appears.
Jesus walks up to the Arab man and asks
"Hi good man, could I speak to your dog?"
The man replies
"Jesus, my dog can't speak"
Jesus ignores the comment and adresses the dog
"Dog, how are you doing, are you treated fair?"
The dog replies
"My lord, I am very happy. My owner feeds my well, walks me 3 times a day, and plays with me all the time"
The Arab man stands there in astonishment
Jesus asks
"My good man, could I now speak to your horse?"
The man replies
"Jesus, my horse can not speak"
Jesus still addresses the horse
"Great beast, how are you, are you treated well?
The horse replies
"My lord, I am a might happy horse. I am walked and trained many times a day, fed very well, my hair is always combed, and all is good."
At this point the man is at loss for words
Then Jesus asks
"My man, may I speak to your goat?"
The man yells out
"NO, NOT THE GOAT, THE GOAT IS A LIAR"
Comment: Wow this got big, thank you very much :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vpbm9/jesus_walks_up_to_an_arabic_man_and_asks/
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A gay man was reading a holiday brochure then he tells his partner...

"this year we should try Greece"
his partner looks up n asks him "whats wrong with the Vaseline?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vpa27/a_gay_man_was_reading_a_holiday_brochure_then_he/
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What do you call a fake potato?

An imitater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vp9su/what_do_you_call_a_fake_potato/
%
The priest wants to check how the freshly married couple is doing

Approaching their door, he not only finds it unlocked, but slightly ajar, too.
Worrying for their wellbeing , he says his prayers and enters.
As he walks into the living room he finds the husband, lying on the hearthrug, naked, his back facing the clergyman.
'Are you back my angel?', the nude asks.
The priest coughs awkwardly and says:'No, but I work for the same guy'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vp9rl/the_priest_wants_to_check_how_the_freshly_married/
%
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner,

it was just collecting dust at home anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vounw/i_decided_to_sell_my_vacuum_cleaner/
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What was the name of the knight who built King Arthur's Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vot90/what_was_the_name_of_the_knight_who_built_king/
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Job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vot8x/job_interview/
%
Son: Dad, a guy called me gay at the school today

Dad: Punch him in the face.
Son: But he is so cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vosvo/son_dad_a_guy_called_me_gay_at_the_school_today/
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I called the rape advice hotline today

Apparently it's only for victims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vos86/i_called_the_rape_advice_hotline_today/
%
A man hired a hitman

"my wife is cheating on me, I saw her going to a motel nearby" says the man
They went to a building next to the motel, the Hitman took his rifle and asked the man: how much will you pay me for this?
"I'll give you $4000 if you put a bullet in her head and another one on his dick"
The Hitman takes his rifle and aim to the window of the motel, after 10 seconds aiming he asks the man: how much will you give me if I only use a single bullet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6von8j/a_man_hired_a_hitman/
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Family First (original joke)

Mr. Scott Lood was a poor little farmer from Illinois who paid the bills by churning butter all day and all night. He came from a family of dairy farmers: his father was a cream maker, and his father before him a cheese maker. There was little money to be made in this line of work- so little in fact that he had to sell his own child, Baxter, just to pay the bills. Life on the Lood family farm was tough.
Scott was also very lonely. The only friend he had was William Ater, who was the son of a beef farmer across the street. William was Scott’s friend when everyone ignored him, a helping hand when everyone put him down and a shoulder to cry on when his mother died from a bad case of mad-cow disease. William always took care of Scott because even though they weren’t related, Scott was family and Will believed that blood was thicker than water.
One day President Eisenhower passed by Scott’s farm on his way to a campaign in Chicago, where he sampled the butter. Eisenhower thought this was the best butter in the world, and told everybody about it. With all the publicity, Scott was able to sell his butter at a much higher price, where he became wealthy very easily.
Things were looking up for Scott. He bought a factory so that he could mass produce dairy products. He started the company Lood Corp where he invested stocks in the ever changing dairy market. He bought a mansion, a luxury super car and even a smoking hot wife from Russia.
Things were looking up for Scott. But things were still looking down for every other dairy farmer in America. Everyone else was still thinking about how they were going to pay the bills while Scott was worried about where he was going to rain the bills.
So Scott came up with a plan. He created the World Butter Churning Tournament where 16 contestants face off to see who could make the best butter. The winner would get a billion ducks. The rules were simple: The butter had to be made from Non-Gmo cows, there were to be made in a 4 by 4 inch block, and the name of the butter had to be the maker’s first initial and last name. People all around the world came to enter the contest with their exotic butters.  The Chinese entered N.Icktang, which was very creamy, while the Brazilians entered N.Icholasteng, which had chives mixed in. Even William entered the competition, which he claimed that he had the thickest butter ever.
There was a surprising contestant too: Scott’s long lost son, Baxter. His adopted parents had died, so he searched the world to find his father. Hearing about the competition, he wanted to join. Baxter decided to compete with the butter recipe he learned from his father.
The competition was tough. The numbers were whittling down from 16 to 8 to 4. Finally, there were only two people left in the competition: Baxter and William. The competition was close, and the victor had only won by 0.02%.
“Ladies and gentlemen” Scott says on the reveal stage “I have the results in my hand, which is the tabulation of text votes combined with the judges total score. And the winner of this year’s World Butter Churning Tournament is……………… Baxter!”
“What!” William exclaims “How come I didn’t win! I had the thickest butter ever! I thought we were friends!”
“Sorry William, my dear friend” Scott says “But I think you were the person who taught me that B.Lood is thicker than W.Ater”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vocea/family_first_original_joke/
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Does anyone have a Rastafarian wig?

We have crazy hair day at work tomorrow and I'm dreading it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6voc9n/does_anyone_have_a_rastafarian_wig/
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I have a step ladder...

I never knew my real ladder... :*(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vob58/i_have_a_step_ladder/
%
A grasshopper walks in to a bar...

He orders a gin and soda.  The bartender says,
"You know we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper looks around and says,
"You have a drink named Irving?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6voa6u/a_grasshopper_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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Why was the herd of well-sighted deer so smart?

It was full of good eye deers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vo9g8/why_was_the_herd_of_wellsighted_deer_so_smart/
%
What vegetable is the best at fighting?

BROCC LEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vo5w9/what_vegetable_is_the_best_at_fighting/
%
A man stands at a row of crowded urinals...

Into the silence, he says "So... I guess this is where the dicks hang out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vo4zs/a_man_stands_at_a_row_of_crowded_urinals/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vo3z3/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_could_have_a/
%
Don't throw your toothpicks in the urinals...

The crabs have learned to pole vault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vo3a3/dont_throw_your_toothpicks_in_the_urinals/
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A senior citizen is sitting at a bar..

A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks "So, do I come here often?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vo302/a_senior_citizen_is_sitting_at_a_bar/
%
If a young lady fell into a well why couldn't her brother help her out?

Because how could he be a brother and assist her too?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vo2fc/if_a_young_lady_fell_into_a_well_why_couldnt_her/
%
Why are fishmongers never generous?

Because their business makes them sell-fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vo21a/why_are_fishmongers_never_generous/
%
What do you call a moose wearing a mask?

Anonymoose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vnwup/what_do_you_call_a_moose_wearing_a_mask/
%
I heard the employee healthcare plan for Apple is awful

It only covers iDoctors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vnsbm/i_heard_the_employee_healthcare_plan_for_apple_is/
%
What kind of cow constantly has seizures?

Beef jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vnnp3/what_kind_of_cow_constantly_has_seizures/
%
When does a sandwich cook?

When it's bakin' lettuce and tomato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vnnm8/when_does_a_sandwich_cook/
%
My Grandad was a WWII veteran.

In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing 32 Nazi aviators.
Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vnmk3/my_grandad_was_a_wwii_veteran/
%
Why do people get so worked up about eschatology?

It's not like it's the end of the world..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vnizm/why_do_people_get_so_worked_up_about_eschatology/
%
Guy goes to the doctor with hearing problems...

Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?
Guy: Yeah, Homers the fat one and Marge has big blue hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vnagq/guy_goes_to_the_doctor_with_hearing_problems/
%
Why do men give women their jackets to women when they are cold?

Because no one wants a blowjob from a woman when her teeth are chattering!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vna7s/why_do_men_give_women_their_jackets_to_women_when/
%
I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vn99h/i_dreamed_i_drowned_in_an_ocean_made_of_orange/
%
If there is anything that really bothers you, I suggest that you let a friend know.

That way, they will be bothered by it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vn980/if_there_is_anything_that_really_bothers_you_i/
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My job is the bane of my existence...

It's backbreaking work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vn7tj/my_job_is_the_bane_of_my_existence/
%
What do you call an Asian man who always has correct change?

Exact Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vn6s1/what_do_you_call_an_asian_man_who_always_has/
%
Slept like a log last night .

Woke up in the fireplace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vn3vr/slept_like_a_log_last_night/
%
Have you read the book "Jerk off"?

It was a gripping tale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vn2j4/have_you_read_the_book_jerk_off/
%
Sex without condoms is magical..

. A baby appears and father disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vn08s/sex_without_condoms_is_magical/
%
Little Johnny asks his teacher

"When I get married how will my wife give birth to a baby?
"An Angel will show up at your doorstep and give it your wife."
Little Johnny looks confused and says "So who do I fuck the Angel or wife?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vmx1j/little_johnny_asks_his_teacher/
%
I told my boyfriend I wanted to try something I saw in a porno.

He wasn't as enthusiastic when I started fucking the pizza guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vmwh4/i_told_my_boyfriend_i_wanted_to_try_something_i/
%
A Christian, Jew and Muslim get to heaven at the same time.

St Peter welcomes the Christian and says 'good choice Sir, in you come'. Next it's the Jew's turn, who says 'OK, we got it a bit wrong but hey we were close', St Peter says 'come on in you rascal you' and playfully knuckles his head on the way through the pearly gates.  Before the Muslim could even open his mouth St Peter hushes him with his hand, turns round and shouts 'Jesus, your taxi's here!'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vmw1s/a_christian_jew_and_muslim_get_to_heaven_at_the/
%
I was recently at a mental institution and asked the director how he knew when someone needed to be admitted...

He said: "We fill up a bath tub with water and offer the person a teaspoon, a tea cup, and a bucket to empty the tub."
I said: "Oh, a normal person would chose the bucket cause it's bigger!"
He replied: "No, a normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed by the window or the door?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vmtfl/i_was_recently_at_a_mental_institution_and_asked/
%
A tree with anxiety.

A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist.
"I just don't know what to do," the tree said.  "Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."
"Hmm, interesting," the psychologist said, "And how do you feel when spring comes?"
The tree smiles, "Releaved!""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vmpc6/a_tree_with_anxiety/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of 99

I don't know that either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vmka7/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_99/
%
When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton

86% of the women in D.C. said "not again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vmk3l/when_asked_if_they_would_have_sex_with_bill/
%
My girlfriend started smoking

so I slowed down and applied lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vmidk/my_girlfriend_started_smoking/
%
My wife just got out of the tub and was wrapped in a towel when she heard a knock

She went down to the door in her towel. She opened it to our neighbor, Bob.
Bob looks at her, and quickly says, "Look this might be weird but ill give you $800 if you drop the towel right now.
She proceeds to drop the towel, exposing herself to Bob.
Bob hands here the 800 dollars and walks away.
My wife comes upstairs.
I asked her, Hey, who was at the door?
"Oh, just our neighbor Bob." She says.
I say, "Oh damn, where'd he go? Does he have the $800 he owes me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vm8am/my_wife_just_got_out_of_the_tub_and_was_wrapped/
%
My wife's cooking..

My wife's cooking is incredible,with a silent cr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vm7yp/my_wifes_cooking/
%
A young apprentice flukes his exams and gets to do his first autopsy.

He walks to his supervisor. "er, excuse me.."
"What is it ?"
"Umm, it's Mrs Pratt, there's something wrong.."
"Well come on man, spit it out"
"There's a um, a b-big shrimp stuck in her er, vagina"
His supervisor turns around and stares at him.
"um, a a, s-super shrimp, r-right in the middle."
"This better be good, I've a busy day", and they walk over to Mrs Pratt.
The veteran lifts both her legs up to do the inspection.
After five seconds he turns to the apprentice with a scornful face.
"Imbecile!, that's no shrimp. That's her clitoris! Now get back to work, Idiot."
The apprentice whispers to himself "Clitoris?,.. well, sure tastes like shrimp."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vm4oi/a_young_apprentice_flukes_his_exams_and_gets_to/
%
A Mother and Father are driving down a street with their son in the back seat, when they are suddenly rear ended.

The dad turns to the son "Son, how old are you?" "10" shouts the son. To which the dad replies "Well it looks like the first accident I've had in 10 years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vm4bd/a_mother_and_father_are_driving_down_a_street/
%
What's the difference between a fridge and a vagina?

A fridge doesn't fart when you get the meat out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vm0l3/whats_the_difference_between_a_fridge_and_a_vagina/
%
Vegans proven wrong again

If animals really didn't want to be eaten then why would they be made out of food?
Check mate vegans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vlz72/vegans_proven_wrong_again/
%
If you smoke a joint while having sex on a plane...

...does that put you in the two mile high club?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vlxos/if_you_smoke_a_joint_while_having_sex_on_a_plane/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Who needs a lightbulb when you've got a glass ceiling?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vlwyq/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How Would You Make A Cat Go "Woof"?

Gasoline & A Match .... "WOOF"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vlwyg/how_would_you_make_a_cat_go_woof/
%
I'm not racist, I love all races.

Apart from marathons, fuck marathons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vlwt2/im_not_racist_i_love_all_races/
%
So I'm in a bar the other day and the guy next to me was drinking brake fluid, I said "you know that stuffs no good for you?!"

He said, "its fine, I can stop anytime"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vlwj9/so_im_in_a_bar_the_other_day_and_the_guy_next_to/
%
Did You Hear The One About T he Insomniac, Dyslexic, Agnostic?

Sat Up All Night Wondering If There Really Was A Dog...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vltoy/did_you_hear_the_one_about_t_he_insomniac/
%
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?

Everytime she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vlpq4/why_cant_miss_piggy_count_to_100/
%
Nearly became a Doctor

Only a few of my friends know that I nearly became a doctor. But this is what happened.
When I was young in the 1970's, I decided I wanted to a be doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked of us was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered "spine" are doctors today.
The rest of us are sending jokes via the internet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vln1y/nearly_became_a_doctor/
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Little Johnny Strikes Again

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vlmku/little_johnny_strikes_again/
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bewbs and dix

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vlmay/bewbs_and_dix/
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The other day my friend was telling me that I didn't understand what irony meant.

Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vll4g/the_other_day_my_friend_was_telling_me_that_i/
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I begin to carry a knife since a robbery attempt a few years ago

Since them, is being a lot easier to rob people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vlj5n/i_begin_to_carry_a_knife_since_a_robbery_attempt/
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What do a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?

They both are thinking, "Oh shit, my mom is going to kill me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vlia2/what_do_a_pregnant_teenager_and_her_baby_have_in/
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If you could bring one person to a deserted island who would it be?

I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vlhyi/if_you_could_bring_one_person_to_a_deserted/
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We all know Albert Einstein was a genius...

... but his brother Frank was a monster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vlat3/we_all_know_albert_einstein_was_a_genius/
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What do you call a masterbating cow?

Beef Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vlak8/what_do_you_call_a_masterbating_cow/
%
Why did the man with no hands get kicked out of the bar?

Couldn't hold his liquor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vl7kd/why_did_the_man_with_no_hands_get_kicked_out_of/
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A Priest dies and is waiting in line at heaven's gate.

God to the guy: Who are you?
Guy: I am a Thrissur to Kozhikode Bus driver.
God: Oh! Take this golden robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.
God to the Priest:Who are you?
Priest: I am a Priest. I've spent 35 years preaching good to people.
God:Oh!Take this cotton robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.
Priest: God,How is that the foul mouthed,rash driver gets a golden robe and I who spent all my life preaching about goodness, get a cotton one?
God: Results, my son, results.
While you preached,most people slept. When he drove everyone prayed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vl4vv/a_priest_dies_and_is_waiting_in_line_at_heavens/
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What's the best way to poke holes in an argument?

Make good points.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vl398/whats_the_best_way_to_poke_holes_in_an_argument/
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Moses and Jesus golfing

So Jesus and Moses are playing some golf, and Jesus has a pond in between him and the hole. Jesus says "I'm going to bounce it off the water and into the hole."
Moses shakes his head "That's never going to work."
Jesus assures Moses "Nah don't worry, I saw Tiger Woods do it."
Jesus hits the ball and it sinks into the pond, so he walks on the water looking around for his ball.
A few holes later they come upon the same situation and Jesus again decides that he wants to bounce the ball off of the water.
Moses tells Jesus "You're not going to make it."
Jesus is determined "Nah nah nah, I saw Tiger Woods do it, trust me."
So Jesus hits it and it sinks into the pond.
Frustrated, Moses goes over to the bar and orders a beer while Jesus searches for his ball. Seeing Jesus walking on the water, the bartender exclaims "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?"
Moses says "No, he thinks he's fucking Tiger Woods."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vkz5r/moses_and_jesus_golfing/
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Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.
Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.
Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend this. He can only manage to stammer out "No way"
Joseph looks at him and says "Yahweh..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vkx9n/joseph_decides_its_time_to_tell_jesus_the_truth/
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I was frozen to absolute zero once

I was 0k

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vkrif/i_was_frozen_to_absolute_zero_once/
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Why was the spelling bee cancelled?

One of the participants spelled disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vkrec/why_was_the_spelling_bee_cancelled/
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The eclipse kind of reminded me of my father...

...they appear every so many years and expect people to care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vkq50/the_eclipse_kind_of_reminded_me_of_my_father/
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Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vklbx/condoms_dont_guarantee_safe_sex_anymore/
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A bunch of rich redheads moved my family out of the neighborhood.

I never thought much of gingerfication until it happened to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vkjol/a_bunch_of_rich_redheads_moved_my_family_out_of/
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How many angry people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they tell it to screw itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vkgfv/how_many_angry_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,

right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vkfc9/a_nice_calm_and_respectable_lady_went_into_the/
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I am a word. I begin with F and end with UCK. What am I?

I already told you, I'm a word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vkdaq/i_am_a_word_i_begin_with_f_and_end_with_uck_what/
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Prostate exams

They've got a thumbs up from the doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vk74q/prostate_exams/
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[NSFW] A Man is stranded on a dessert island with only a dog and a sheep for company...

After many months the man can't take it anymore and decides to have sex with the sheep but everytime he goes to do the deed the dog starts barking uncontollably and ruins the mood.
a few weeks later the man is walking along the beach when he comes across an absolutely gorgeous woman washed up on the beach, he races to her and performs mouth to mouth and saves her life. 'Im so grateful' cried the woman 'i'll do anything you want'
the man got excited and very horny and said 'Well there is one thing you could do for me?'
'Anything' said the woman with a flirticious grin.
'well' said the man 'could you take this fucking dog for a walk?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vk526/nsfw_a_man_is_stranded_on_a_dessert_island_with/
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How do you stop a Baptist from drinking all of your beer at a party?

Invite another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vk3yh/how_do_you_stop_a_baptist_from_drinking_all_of/
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The Baptised beer

A drunkard was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Beer bottle, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vk3dh/the_baptised_beer/
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What happens to horses when the get hurt?

They go to the Horse-spital!
Just Kidding they get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vk1qu/what_happens_to_horses_when_the_get_hurt/
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Donald Trump doesn't believe there were any lynchings during the Civil War.

When asked about it, He said it was just a case of Fake Noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vk0er/donald_trump_doesnt_believe_there_were_any/
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Why couldn't the Italian guy open the lock?

Gnocchi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vjysk/why_couldnt_the_italian_guy_open_the_lock/
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What do tiny hackers eat?

Microchips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vjyd5/what_do_tiny_hackers_eat/
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I can't see Mayweather beating McGregor...

I don't have a TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vjxy9/i_cant_see_mayweather_beating_mcgregor/
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What did SpaceX's grass smell like after the drones finished mowing it?

It had an E-Lawn Musk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vjwk2/what_did_spacexs_grass_smell_like_after_the/
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A woman gets called into her office HR department

They tell her that they noticed her password for her login was very unusual and asked her how she chose "DocGrumpyHappySleepyBashfulSneezyDopeySacarmento"
She said - "well the instructions were to have a password with seven characters and have at least one capitol, so I thought I was just following the rules"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vjw89/a_woman_gets_called_into_her_office_hr_department/
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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vjrb5/if_you_masturbate_after_smoking_marijuana/
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I was at Christmas dinner with my family and I asked my Grandfather what he does for a living...

My Mother replied, "I'm a ventriloquist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vjqfs/i_was_at_christmas_dinner_with_my_family_and_i/
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Communist jokes aren't funny

unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vjho5/communist_jokes_arent_funny/
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What do Bill Cosby and Santa have in common?

They both come while you're sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vjhkm/what_do_bill_cosby_and_santa_have_in_common/
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Some days, I feel like I’m surrounded by idiots.

Other days, I realize it’s not just some days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vjhjc/some_days_i_feel_like_im_surrounded_by_idiots/
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What's the difference between a smart white guy and someone who tells jokes all the time?

Nothing. They're both wisecrackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vj928/whats_the_difference_between_a_smart_white_guy/
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Making a new password like

Me: beefstew
Computer: Sorry, password not stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vj7sy/making_a_new_password_like/
%
X-Men

It’s probably a good thing Charles Xavier did not use his first initial for his band of mutant misfits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vj5j6/xmen/
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Muslim terrorists commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins

I just go to the local primary school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vj4z3/muslim_terrorists_commit_suicide_to_go_to/
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What did the isis members wife say when he left the house?

Bahh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vj2jg/what_did_the_isis_members_wife_say_when_he_left/
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What has two legs, one wheel and flies?

A wheelbarrow full of shit.
From an old bartenders joke book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vj218/what_has_two_legs_one_wheel_and_flies/
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I told two twins their matching outfits are cute...

"Did your mom buy you matching clothes?" I asked politely.
To which they answered, "We're not twins and could we see your license and registration please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6viyzz/i_told_two_twins_their_matching_outfits_are_cute/
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What do dyslexic zombies eat?

Brians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6viyd3/what_do_dyslexic_zombies_eat/
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With great power comes great responsibility ...

To pay your power bills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6viy80/with_great_power_comes_great_responsibility/
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I've given up asking rhetorical questions.

What's the point?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vix2n/ive_given_up_asking_rhetorical_questions/
%
When I was a kid I took an aptitude test...

It said I was best suited to become a bartender and all I could think was, "Well that's one way to see my dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6viw61/when_i_was_a_kid_i_took_an_aptitude_test/
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Why is the population in China so high?

Because their condoms are "made in China."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vivm8/why_is_the_population_in_china_so_high/
%
Today i gave up my seat to a blind old lady on the bus...

thats how i lost my job as a bus driver﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vins6/today_i_gave_up_my_seat_to_a_blind_old_lady_on/
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Dog named Sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.
That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.
But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?
*It goes like this:*
"One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up next Tuesday."
"But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said,   'I'd like to have one, too.'
Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.'
He said he didn't care how she looked.
When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer."
"When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding.  When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life."
"After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.
She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.'
I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.'
The clerk said, 'Me, too.' "
"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “ Me. too."
"Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.  I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him.
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog."😆

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vilyy/dog_named_sex/
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Why shouldn't you lie on your Resume?

It's less comfortable than your bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vikxe/why_shouldnt_you_lie_on_your_resume/
%
A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...and spends many months alone. Just as he's reaching the point that he's starting to go crazy, he spots a ship in the distance and, all excited, lights a fire on the beach that he'd prepared for just such an eventuality.
He's overjoyed when he sees the ship change course and start heading for his island but his joy turns to shock as he sees the ship suddenly come to a jarring halt as it runs aground on a hidden reef. Within minutes, the ship is sinking and with it, his hopes. Dejected, he goes back to his makeshift shelter and cries himself to sleep.
The next day, he's going for his customary morning walk along the beach and spots a figure lying face down in the sand. He rushes over and sees that it's a woman wearing only her underwear.
He turns her over and can't believe what he sees... it's Jennifer Lawrence! In shock, he drags her out of the surf and begins to administer mouth to mouth. Soon enough, she splutters out a lungful of seawater and opens her eyes.
He tells her that he has rescued her and that there seem to be no other survivors. She is of course, extremely grateful to have been rescued and shows her thanks in the most appropriate way by reaching up to pull him down to her and kisses him long and deeply...
The kisses continue and before he knows it, she's stripped off his clothes and is straddling him on the beach as they happily bang away.
Her gratitude shows no signs of abating over the days and weeks that follow and his solitary island existence is forgotten in a carnal extravaganza of day long poundings and late night strokings.
They do it on the beach, in the water, in his shelter, up a tree, with him on top, with her on top, side to side and back to front. They do it with their clothes on, they do it naked, they do it whenever and wherever they want and they want it a lot.
One evening, they're sitting by the fire, well sated by the day's ardent bonking, when she notices that he seems a bit glum.
"What's the matter?" She asks.
"Oh... nothing." he says in return.
"Come on," she replies, "I can see something's wrong.. what is it??"
"You'll just laugh at me," he says nervously.
"No I won't! You can tell me... whatever it is, I promise I won't laugh"
He considers for a moment and then says "Well... you know.. we've been making love for a long time now. We've done it with you on top, with me on top, from behind, missionary, reverse cowgirl, up a tree.. you know.. every possible way I can think of but... something's missing... I mean... I...." his voice trails off....
"What is it?" She encourages him, "I'll do anything for you, anything at all, you know that! You saved my life!"
"Well.." he says nervously, picking up an old ember of burnt wood, "Would you... would you mind if I drew a moustache on you?"
"What??" she begins to say and he quickly says "See! I knew you'd laugh!"
"No no.." She replies, "It's fine.. if that's what you want to do, go for it!"
So he reaches over and with the burnt wood, carefully draws a thick black moustache on her upper lip, then sits back and looks at her.
She looks back at him expectantly.
"Um.." He says... "Would you mind if er.. if I called you Frank?"
She smiles at him and says "Baby, you can call me anything you like."
He sits there for a moment then says "Frank...?"
She smiles and answers "Yes baby?"
"Frank!" He says.. "Frank! You'll never guess who I've been fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vijr0/a_man_is_shipwrecked_on_a_deserted_island/
%
Vaginas are like the ocean.

One day I would like to see the ocean...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vijn0/vaginas_are_like_the_ocean/
%
What do tortillas sing at birthday parties?

Fajita jolly good fellow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vibfc/what_do_tortillas_sing_at_birthday_parties/
%
This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me

I said I never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6via15/this_girl_was_handing_out_vegan_pamphlets_when/
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Why did Walt Disney fire Snow White?

'Cause she kept sitting on Pinocchios' face singing 'tell me lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies'.
*Joke's from my Dad and his friend*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vi95n/why_did_walt_disney_fire_snow_white/
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I shouldn't come here anymore

My therapist said I need to stop reliving the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vi731/i_shouldnt_come_here_anymore/
%
What did the Jewish boy say to the other Jewish boy?

Hebrew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vi6bd/what_did_the_jewish_boy_say_to_the_other_jewish/
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The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.
The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."
The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.
The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"
"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vi3ww/the_toilet_brush/
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What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?

A rooster says cock-a-doodle-do and a prostitute says any-cock'll-do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vi1ty/whats_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_a/
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A resourceful woman...

A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"*Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant*"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vi1ad/a_resourceful_woman/
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What do you call a tangled rope in space?

Astro-knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vi0rd/what_do_you_call_a_tangled_rope_in_space/
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Why does The Little Mermaid wear seashells?

She outgrew her B shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vi03t/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_seashells/
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Did I tell you about the time I was nearly killed with a broom?

It was a brush with death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vhxcb/did_i_tell_you_about_the_time_i_was_nearly_killed/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he's not coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vhw0l/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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I think there is nothing cooler than being a lone wolf.

except for at wolf picnics, when you don't have a partner for the wolf wheelbarrow races.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vhvi9/i_think_there_is_nothing_cooler_than_being_a_lone/
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[long] A new neighbour

A man was cleaning his garden, when his new neighbour approaches him.
&nbsp;
Man - Good morning sir.
Neighbour - Good morning. I'm your new neighbour, I just moved in.
Man - Well, nice to meet you! What do you do for a living?
Neighbour - I'm a logical assumptions teacher.
Man - Oh really? And what's that?
Neighbour - I'll give you an example of my work. I can see you have a dog house right there, right?
Man - Well yes, yes I do.
Neighbour - So if you have a dog house there, you probably have a dog, right?
Man - Well yes, yes I do.
Neighbour - So if you have a dog, you probably have kids, right?
Man - Well yes, yes I do.
Neighbour - And if you have kids, you must have a wife too, right?
Man - I sure do, a fine wife.
Neighbour - Well, then if you have a wife, you're a straight man. See, this is logical assumption. Now I have to go, see you soon neighbour.
Man - Well that's just amazing. Good to meet ya.
&nbsp;
Another neighbour approaches, old friend of the man.
&nbsp;
Friend - Good day neighbour, who was that guy you were talking with just now?
Man - Well, he's our new neighbour. He's a logical assumption teacher!
Friend - A logical assumption teacher? And what's that?
Man - Well, let me give you an example. Do you have a dog?
Friend- No, I don't.
Man - You don't? AH! That means you're gay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vhv3h/long_a_new_neighbour/
%
The other day I walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre

So the bartender gave it to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vhnaj/the_other_day_i_walked_into_a_bar_and_ordered_a/
%
Can someone explain this joke my dad told me?

My dad told me there was a joke inside of the mirror but all I ever see is that one kid he always hates and gets mad at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vhmzh/can_someone_explain_this_joke_my_dad_told_me/
%
What do you call a religious zero?

A none

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vhmj2/what_do_you_call_a_religious_zero/
%
What's the name of the Mexican that loses his car?

Carlos...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vhloi/whats_the_name_of_the_mexican_that_loses_his_car/
%
What would a Skyrim guard say if he saw you choking a little girl?

No loli gaggin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vhlld/what_would_a_skyrim_guard_say_if_he_saw_you/
%
I'm going on holiday to Egypt. A coworker told me it can get up to 100 degrees in the shade...

...I'll be staying out of the shade then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vhhca/im_going_on_holiday_to_egypt_a_coworker_told_me/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vhddf/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
%
A man and a woman were having sex and the woman was dissatisfied...

Woman - I think your organ is too small
Man - I didn't think I would be playing in a cathedral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vh8pc/a_man_and_a_woman_were_having_sex_and_the_woman/
%
What's your fucking problem?

Erectile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vh6zj/whats_your_fucking_problem/
%
A blonde girl gets pulled over by a blonde police officer for speeding...

The Police officer asks for a drivers license & the blonde starts going through her bag looking for it.
She's getting increasingly frustrated as she looks for the drivers license & asks the police officer for assistance.
The blonde asks: "I'm having trouble finding it... Can you please tell me what it is suppose to look like?"
The officer responds: "Sure, it's just a square that has your picture on it."
After a bit more rustling through her bag, she pulls out a square mirror and hands it to the police officer.
The police officer looks at the mirror and says: "Oh, I'm so sorry... I didn't realise you were a police officer! You can go"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vh5f3/a_blonde_girl_gets_pulled_over_by_a_blonde_police/
%
When i was young, they taught me that mistakes are a part of life

Now I have learned to love my   ~~problems~~ children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vh2f8/when_i_was_young_they_taught_me_that_mistakes_are/
%
A Russian, a Pole and a German are sitting in a prison cell.

The Russian comes up to the German holding a candy bar and asks “You want this?”. The German is thinking “He’ll probably want to fuck me for this” and says no.
The Russian then comes up to the Pole and again asks “You want this?”. The Polish guy is thinking “He’ll probably want to fuck me for this, but hell, I’m a strong guy, I’ll just tell him to piss off” and says yes.
When he finished eating the Russian asks him…Tasty?
Yes…..
A strong guy, aren’t you?
Yes
Then hold down the German for me..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vh1io/a_russian_a_pole_and_a_german_are_sitting_in_a/
%
I always look to the positives in life.

For example, sure I may have been rejected from the girl of my dreams, but at least I'm another day closer to my death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vh19t/i_always_look_to_the_positives_in_life/
%
I saw this black guy running with a new television. I called police because it looked like mine.

The police checked and It was OK. Mine was still home doing yard work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vgomn/i_saw_this_black_guy_running_with_a_new/
%
Paddy is leaving his wife

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.............She never got your email!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vgmkg/paddy_is_leaving_his_wife/
%
My girlfriend and I are both feminists.

But because I am a man, I am a tiny bit better at it than her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vgjb0/my_girlfriend_and_i_are_both_feminists/
%
What do you call a Royal Drug Dealer?

Your Highness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vgi81/what_do_you_call_a_royal_drug_dealer/
%
You want to know what is obsoletely remarkable?!

Whiteboards..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vgbil/you_want_to_know_what_is_obsoletely_remarkable/
%
Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships

apparently "in HD" was not the right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vg9ib/today_a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
%
What does the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vg5bm/what_does_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
%
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One asks the other, "Do you smell fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vg56v/two_parrots_are_sitting_on_a_perch/
%
When I'm bored, I sometimes inhale nitrous oxide after swallowing some laxatives

Just for shits and giggles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vg3sx/when_im_bored_i_sometimes_inhale_nitrous_oxide/
%
I've been telling him too many dad jokes apparently.

Wife: I was feeling sad because the sun went away.
10-year old boy: I'm right here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vfzt8/ive_been_telling_him_too_many_dad_jokes_apparently/
%
There was a group of introverted midgets

It was said that there was no small talk...just small people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vfz2f/there_was_a_group_of_introverted_midgets/
%
A blonde saw a thermos at the department store

and asked the clerk what it was. The clerk said "Well, that's a thermos!" The blonde asked "What does it do?" The clerk replied "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!" so the blonde bought it.
The next day the blonde's boss, also blonde, walked by her office and saw the thermos on her desk. "What is that?" the boss asked. "Well, that's a thermos!" she replied. Her boss asked "What does it do??" The blonde said "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"
"That's amazing!" said the boss. "What do you have in it?", to which the blonde replied "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vfx8p/a_blonde_saw_a_thermos_at_the_department_store/
%
I was recently asked if I believed faith could move mountains.

Apparently "No, but I've seen what it can do to buildings," is the wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vftqd/i_was_recently_asked_if_i_believed_faith_could/
%
How do you get 30 rowdy, drunk Canadians out of your pool after a house party?

Ask them politely, "Please get out of the pool".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vfskp/how_do_you_get_30_rowdy_drunk_canadians_out_of/
%
My mother-in-law came into work at lunch time today, and I must admit unlike other men, I was genuinely pleased to see her.

By the way I’m an undertaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vff4x/my_motherinlaw_came_into_work_at_lunch_time_today/
%
My son has recently been suspended...

He was suspended for letting a girl wank him off at school. So I told him "That's three schools this year!"
Maybe teaching really isn't for him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vfewi/my_son_has_recently_been_suspended/
%
My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: ‘You’re on drugs again!!!’ She could be right..

I’m an only child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vf9m6/my_sister_walked_up_to_me_this_morning_and_with/
%
When I was born I had the choice of being rich or having a good memory...

I remember like it was yesterday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vf3by/when_i_was_born_i_had_the_choice_of_being_rich_or/
%
A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vf2ek/a_joke_is_like_a_frog/
%
Why did the burglar take a shower?

Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vey53/why_did_the_burglar_take_a_shower/
%
What's the difference between pink and purple?

Her grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vewk6/whats_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
%
Why can't you have two places to park your boat?

Because that's a paradox!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vew7p/why_cant_you_have_two_places_to_park_your_boat/
%
What did the Jedi order at the Italian restaurant?

Only one cannoli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vev5m/what_did_the_jedi_order_at_the_italian_restaurant/
%
What do we want?

LOW FLYING AEROPLANE NOISES!!!
When do we want them?
*Nyeeeeeeooooooowww!!!!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vesvs/what_do_we_want/
%
I should get a job at the Pentagon Subway

So I can say I build subs for the Pentagon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6veq86/i_should_get_a_job_at_the_pentagon_subway/
%
Trying to make friends is hard..

went outside yesterday and even the sun started to hide from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vemvd/trying_to_make_friends_is_hard/
%
"Mom, why didn't you vaccinate me?"

"I didn't want you to get autism, honey."
"Thanks mom. I could have not survived having autism and polio at the same time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vem8g/mom_why_didnt_you_vaccinate_me/
%
A man saw a sign in a yard that said "Talking dog for sale $10"

He laughs and says "Yeah right, I gotta check this out". He knocks on the door and an old man answers. The guy says "I saw the sign for the talking dog for sale". Old man says "Yep, he's out back". They walk around to the back and the old man leads the guy to the fenced in area where the dog is sleeping. The guy asks, "He really talks, huh?" The old man bangs on the fence and screams "Wake up idiot, someone's here to see ya". The dog wakes up and walks over to them and sees the guy standing there. The dog says "Hey there, how are ya?" The guy is shocked and says "Holy shit, you can really talk! How the hell is that possible?" The dog say "Well when I was born the government put a chip in my brain to make me smarter and give me the ability to talk. They used me for many covert operations all over the world. I helped take down some of the worst criminals ever. I even helped take down Sadam Hussein". The guy is stunned. He says to the old man "This dog is amazing! How could you sell him for 10 bucks?" The old man says "Cuz he's a dam liar, he didn't do any of that shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vekj7/a_man_saw_a_sign_in_a_yard_that_said_talking_dog/
%
I want to be just like my father when I grow up

Dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vek96/i_want_to_be_just_like_my_father_when_i_grow_up/
%
Trump stared at the eclipse yesterday, but he'll be okay...

He has plenty of practice feeling his way around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vehq4/trump_stared_at_the_eclipse_yesterday_but_hell_be/
%
Why are ghosts popular at parties?

Because they always bring the booze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6veech/why_are_ghosts_popular_at_parties/
%
I think it worked...

I looked at the sun yesterday early morning and the sun started to finally turn black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vebta/i_think_it_worked/
%
Apparently, the year 666 was cursed

Everyone that was born that year is dead !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vebix/apparently_the_year_666_was_cursed/
%
Went to the sperm clinic earlier

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?
I said 'I'm good but not ready for competition yet'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6veait/went_to_the_sperm_clinic_earlier/
%
Dark jokes are kids with cancer.

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vea8x/dark_jokes_are_kids_with_cancer/
%
I was mugged last night by a thief on the way home

Pointing a knife at me, he said
"Your money or your life"
I told him I was married so I have no money & no life
We hugged & cried together...
It was a beautiful moment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ve8a5/i_was_mugged_last_night_by_a_thief_on_the_way_home/
%
Where do pianists put their groceries while they shop?

In a Chopin cart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ve7eo/where_do_pianists_put_their_groceries_while_they/
%
what's got 2 legs and bleeds?

half a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ve6ko/whats_got_2_legs_and_bleeds/
%
If you suck at the trumpet

maybe that's why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vdys6/if_you_suck_at_the_trumpet/
%
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vdvrz/on_my_first_day_in_prison_my_cellmate_said_to_me/
%
The last joke my Italian grandfather told me before he passed.

Two italian soldiers are sitting on a beach in Normandy during WWII when a German submarine surfaces offshore.  One Italian looks at the other and says, "Is thata UBoat?" The other Italian replies, "nope, not mine".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vdr8k/the_last_joke_my_italian_grandfather_told_me/
%
What’s the difference between an IT professional and a polygamist?

The IT guy has two computers in case one goes down, the polygamist has two wives in case one doesn’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vdr67/whats_the_difference_between_an_it_professional/
%
A limbo dancer walks into a bar...

And was immediately disqualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vdq3i/a_limbo_dancer_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vdotm/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
A prostitute approached me today offering to do anything I wanted for $10

guess who just got their car washed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vdnwz/a_prostitute_approached_me_today_offering_to_do/
%
What do you do when you see a green alien?

Wait until they are ripe!
* I'm either really tired, or this is so stupid it's hilarious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vdn2g/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_green_alien/
%
Did you know they're testing fishes as house pet?

It's still in Beta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vdipe/did_you_know_theyre_testing_fishes_as_house_pet/
%
Talking to a vegan today

I was talking to a vegan today and they said : "I think butchers or anyone who sells meat is disgusting ! " to which I replied "well I think people who sell fruit and veg are grocer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vdfnl/talking_to_a_vegan_today/
%
Tequila may not be the answer...

...but it's worth a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vde34/tequila_may_not_be_the_answer/
%
Why was Dr. Frankenstein upset?

He misunderstood the rules to the bodybuilding competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vd9xm/why_was_dr_frankenstein_upset/
%
What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a small fencing sword?

One's a little rapier...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vd9wn/whats_the_difference_between_bill_cosby_and_a/
%
Which is more courageous a pebble or a stick?

The pebble, it's a little boulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vd94a/which_is_more_courageous_a_pebble_or_a_stick/
%
Friedrich Nietzsche opened a club.

Overnight, it became the hottest new place in town. It seemed like everyone was turned away at the door for not meeting dress code. Eventually, one guy shows up and fights the bouncer after being rejected. When he won, the bouncer stripped naked, handed the guy his clothes, and told him he could head inside.
"What the fuck is this! What is your name? I want to speak to the owner."
"The call me Monsters. The boss is inside. You gotta put on the clothes first though."
The man heads inside and the club is pitch black, except for candles under mirrors on the wall. There are some people dancing, but no music. Eventually, feeling around in the dark, he finds a railing and some stairs. He follows them down to a basement office, with a dimly lit sign overhead that reads "The Abyss" in which sits Friedrich Nietzsche.
"What the hell is going on? I fought your bouncer to get in, the club is all dark except for candles under mirrors and there are people dancing without music up there."
Nietzsche sat up in his chair and smiled, only really paying attention at the end of the man's rant.
"Monsters, is that you? It's a bit dark in here."
"No, I'm Jeff. I'm here for a night out."
"Ah yes, well then you should be more careful when you fight Monsters, lest you become one. I couldn't tell in the dim with you wearing his clothes."
"What about the dancing upstairs? Those people seem like nuts."
"Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."
"Your club sucks. I'm out of here, and I'm going to leave you a shitty review."
"Fine. You took the stairs into The Abyss, just take The Abyss stairs back."
It was at that moment that Jeff remembered he had read Nietzsche in high school, and got incredibly angry.
"WAS THIS ALL A SET UP FOR A BUNCH OF CONVOLUTED PUNS BASED AROUND NIETZSCHE QUOTES?!"
"Maybe, but not that it, or anything else matters."
Enraged, Jeff beat him to death, went to jail, and the club, God, closed.
God is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vd654/friedrich_nietzsche_opened_a_club/
%
What's Gordan Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vd4ld/whats_gordan_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
%
What do you call a merry-go-round with a little person on it?

A midget spinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vd4d4/what_do_you_call_a_merrygoround_with_a_little/
%
I was browsing Netflix the other day, and Happened upon the Amy Schumer special "Inside Amy Schumer." Looks like they couldn't use the original title idea due to copyright issues:

'Wide Open Spaces'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vd4d3/i_was_browsing_netflix_the_other_day_and_happened/
%
What is the difference between a chickpea and a Potato?

I've never paid $50 to have a potato on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vd11u/what_is_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
What did the pencil say to the suspicious piece of paper?

I dot my i's on you!
-Heard this from an 85 year old lady in a nursing facility. The mental image of this joke is quite funny!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vcyck/what_did_the_pencil_say_to_the_suspicious_piece/
%
A kid calls in a police station.

The officer picks up.
Kid: Hi. Do you have a gun?
Officer: Yes.
Kid: Shove it up your ass then! Disconnects
Furious, the officer calls back to that number. This time a lady picks up.
Officer: Your kid just called here and asked me to shove my gun up my ass.
Lady: Really? How much time has it been?
Officer: Around 5 minutes I suppose.
Lady: Oh come on officer, take it out now, you're a grown man, don't take the kid so seriously!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vcxve/a_kid_calls_in_a_police_station/
%
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when,

Through a gap in the door,  he sees Billy Bob doing a slow
and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently
slides off first the right strap of his overalls,  followed by the
left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic
striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, reveal-
ing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.Then, grabbing both sides of
his shirt,  he rips it apart to reveal his stained  T-shirt under-
neath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body,
and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.  Having seen
enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya do-
ing, Billy Bob ?" "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers
out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.  " But
me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'part-
ment,  and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vcwri/cletus_is_passing_by_billy_bob_s_hay_barn_one_day/
%
When I was a kid, I found a bottle of vodka someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station.

The police told me not to worry.  They would get to the bottom of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vcs0o/when_i_was_a_kid_i_found_a_bottle_of_vodka/
%
Where do you take your pear tree when it runs out of pears?

...................the re-pear shop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vcnwk/where_do_you_take_your_pear_tree_when_it_runs_out/
%
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said

'Keep off the Grass.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vcmxm/a_sign_on_the_lawn_at_a_drug_rehab_center_said/
%
What is every dad's favorite dish?

Puncakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vcm02/what_is_every_dads_favorite_dish/
%
She was only a whisky maker....

but he loved her still

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vck6t/she_was_only_a_whisky_maker/
%
Wake up!

Following a serious argument couple decide not to talk to each other for a while.
Next night husband leaves a note on the kitchen desk: Wake me up at 6 in the morning, I have a flight.
When he wakes up at 8, panics and as he rushes to dressing room, sees a note at the bedside table: Wake up, it is 6!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vcgch/wake_up/
%
Abraham Lincoln could never call himself a republican today.

Because he was murdered while watching a play in 1865.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vcgba/abraham_lincoln_could_never_call_himself_a/
%
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids.

But when I came back home, they were still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vcfyl/i_had_a_vasectomy_because_i_didnt_want_to_have/
%
The well trained nazi spy arrives to Britan in 1943.

He walks int a bar and says:- Two Martinis please?- Dry-asks the bartender-Nein zwei!!!!- Shouts the spy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vcedx/the_well_trained_nazi_spy_arrives_to_britan_in/
%
Nothing would make us happier.

Donald Trump is flying over New York City.
He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"
His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."
Donald says, "Son, that's a great idea!"
His wife turns to him and says, "Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people happy!"
Donald looks at her and says, "Babe, that is a fantastic idea! The best I've heard!"
The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, "As long as you're at it, why don't you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vcd8n/nothing_would_make_us_happier/
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A Tourist is Trudging Through Australia's Desert

A tourist is trudging through Australia’s Great Victoria Desert. …
He’s completely lost, and he’s quickly running out of water. His vision is rather impaired, and he can tell that he’s only got a few more hours before he’ll pass out.
Suddenly, he accidentally steps on a rattlesnake! Before he can jump away, it hisses, bites him directly in the leg, and slithers off. The man panics. He had read about venomous snakebites in a book, and this one was usually fatal. His vision starts to blur. He swallows dryly, and accepts his fate. Finally, he loses his balance, and passes out in the sand.
Miraculously, a local hiker finds him. He carries him back to his lodge, and tends to his wounds. When the man awakes, he solemnly asks, “Was I brought here to die?”
“Nah mate,” replies the Aussie. “Ye were brought here yester-die.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vcd1s/a_tourist_is_trudging_through_australias_desert/
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Woman Talks

An elderly couple talk in the evening: “Honey,
I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often.
How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“And that helps?” “Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vcak6/woman_talks/
%
A man and woman were having sex and the woman was dissatisfied

Woman : You know, this wasn't what I expected when you said you were magical in bed
*Man pulls out ten of hearts
Man : And is this your card?
Woman : Holy shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vc6uf/a_man_and_woman_were_having_sex_and_the_woman_was/
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A cat falls in a pond and a rooster laughs.

The moral of this story? A wet pussy makes a cock happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vbwyc/a_cat_falls_in_a_pond_and_a_rooster_laughs/
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The real joke is in the "Guidelines and Information" of this subreddit.

Reposts will be removed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vbry1/the_real_joke_is_in_the_guidelines_and/
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An Irishman, a English woman, and an American man are all at a meeting with ambassadors of the world, discussing world hunger

The ambassador from Germany welcomes everyone, and begins clapping his hands slowly.  After about a minute he says, "every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
The American says, "our country would be willing to donate food and other supplies to Africa to help this issue."
The English woman says, "our nation would be willing to send care workers to help families in poverty.
The Irishman screams out "I'll kill the fucker clappin' his hands and stop the deaths once an for all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vbqr8/an_irishman_a_english_woman_and_an_american_man/
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I think my horse is a blacksmith.

I slapped him on the backside and he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vbqqt/i_think_my_horse_is_a_blacksmith/
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Why were the dark ages called the dark ages?

Because there were too many knights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vblhk/why_were_the_dark_ages_called_the_dark_ages/
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I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take.

Don't get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I know it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vbirn/i_really_wish_someone_would_have_told_me_how_long/
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A Muslim dies and goes to heaven.

He is about to climb up the white clouded stairs and stops in front of a golden gate. There is a bearded man waiting for him. The Muslim asks:
"Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I'm St. Peter. Mohammed is higher up"
The Muslim is very happy to hear that Mohammed is more important than Saint Peter and is higher up. He climbs another flight of stairs .Tired, he stops in front of another large gate. He finds a young man with curly blond hairs and asks:
"Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I'm Michael, Mohammed is higher up"
The Muslim is in ecstasy learning that Mohammed is more important than angels. He climbs an even longer flight of stairs. Exhausted, he reaches another gate, even bigger. He is met by a bearded man and asks him:
"Are you Mohammed?"
"No. I am Jesus. Mohammed is further up"
The Muslim is ecstatic and explodes with happiness learning that Mohammed is even more important than Jesus and that his religion is indeed the best of them all. He cannot wait to meet Mohammed. He quickly climbs further up. Panting, breathless, exhausted, he arrives at a huge white gate. Waiting for him is very old man with a long white beard. The Muslim asks with the little breath he has left:
"Are you Mohammed?"
"No. I'm God, but I see you're tired, come in, seat down, rest for a moment. Do you want some water, a coffee perhaps?
And the Muslim says: "Yes, a coffee ... I would be very grateful"
So God turns around, raises his hand, whistles, and says. "Mohammed, two coffees"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vbi86/a_muslim_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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I'm homophobic the same way in arachnophobic..

I don't hate spiders or homosexuals but id still scream if I seen one in the bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vbh7k/im_homophobic_the_same_way_in_arachnophobic/
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If communism doesn't work, why do so many people still support it?

They don't work either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vbgta/if_communism_doesnt_work_why_do_so_many_people/
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A man is in Hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth,

"Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"
The nurse raises his gown, holds his cock in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vbbro/a_man_is_in_hospital_bed_wearing_an_oxygen_mask/
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A Blind man is at the bus stop....

... and along comes a large family. Mother, Father, and 7 young children. As they're waiting for the bus, it starts to rain, just making the wait worse.
When the bus arrives, being polite, the men let the mother and children get on first, at which point the bus driver says: "Sorry guys. The bus is full. You'll have to wait for the next one.", and drives off.
So the two men start walking, the blind man tapping his cane along the sidewalk as they make their way to their destination... tap, tap, tap, tap....
The Father, already peeved due to being soaked and having to walk, gets more and more annoyed with the tap, tap, tap, tap of the blind man's cane, so he finally blurts out: "Oh Man! That sound is so annoying! Can't you put something rubber on the tip so it doesn't make that god-awful racket!?!?!"
To which, the blind man replies: "If you'd put something rubber on your tip, we wouldn't be in this mess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vbbiu/a_blind_man_is_at_the_bus_stop/
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While driving on the highway, my wife called and to warn me about a crazy person driving on the wrong side of the road...

I responded to her, saying, ”One crazy person?! Every single driver on this highway is crazy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vb5rp/while_driving_on_the_highway_my_wife_called_and/
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A Hungarian cockroach was telling terrible jokes at an open mic night. What do you do?

Budapest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vb5bq/a_hungarian_cockroach_was_telling_terrible_jokes/
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As a doctor, I've never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby before

but let me give it a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vb4z3/as_a_doctor_ive_never_made_a_joke_about_an/
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My friend told he was always chasing girls in the 90’s...

Nowadays he dates women that are closer to his own age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vb3fg/my_friend_told_he_was_always_chasing_girls_in_the/
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Where does a general keep his armies?

Up his sleevies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vazze/where_does_a_general_keep_his_armies/
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Foul Mouths

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vayui/foul_mouths/
%
Clowns divorce.

Custardy battle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vawpw/clowns_divorce/
%
Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vat7y/steve_jobs_wouldve_been_a_better_president_than/
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A spy agency was doing interviews for candidates...

The interviewer says to the man, "You have one last task. Take this gun, and go through the door to your right and shoot your wife." Moments later the man comes back through the door and says he couldn't bring himself to do it. He then promptly leaves. The next man came in and was told to do the same to his wife, but again he too couldn't bring himself to kill her. Finally the last man walks and is told to do the same to his wife. He walks through the door and a series of shots are fired followed by rustling in the room. The man walks out and says to the interviewer, " Some asshole filled this gun with blanks so I strangled the bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vas70/a_spy_agency_was_doing_interviews_for_candidates/
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An Orgasm is when one of the people having sex reaches sexual climax.

If they both climax at the same time, it should be called an Andgasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vaqs1/an_orgasm_is_when_one_of_the_people_having_sex/
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Importance of a name

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vaqez/importance_of_a_name/
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The Top 10 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes

Here are the Top 10 2017 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes!
1.  “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” Ken Cheng
2.  “Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” Frankie Boyle
3.  “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” Alexei Sayle
4.  “I’m looking for the girl-next-door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.” Lew Fitz
5.  “I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.” Andy Field
6.  “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant.” Mark Simmons
7.  “I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it …” Jimeoin
8.  “I have two boys, five and six. We’re no good at naming things in our house.” Ed Byrne
9.  “I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died ... which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.” Olaf Falafel
10.  “Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences’, I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’” Alasdair Beckett-King

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vaip6/the_top_10_edinburgh_fringe_festival_jokes/
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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because all their good runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vabh4/why_doesnt_mexico_have_an_olympic_team/
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parallel lines

have too much in common
its a shame they ill never meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vaagw/parallel_lines/
%
Letter from husband to wife

Dear Sweetheart:
I can’t send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart.
Your husband
Allen….
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1.. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month’s milk.
2.. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3.. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three
kisses instead of the rent.
4.. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items………..
5.. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don’t worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!
Your Sweet Heart
Ann

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6vaaea/letter_from_husband_to_wife/
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So many reddit users make this ONE mistake:

They always fall for clickbait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6va8s2/so_many_reddit_users_make_this_one_mistake/
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6va7ou/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_the_empire_state/
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The best thing about mastrubation

The best thing about masturbation is that you don't have to talk afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6va6z4/the_best_thing_about_mastrubation/
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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6va6b3/what_happens_to_a_frogs_car_when_it_breaks_down/
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A man staggers into an emergency room

with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6va68z/a_man_staggers_into_an_emergency_room/
%
Recently installed a skylight in my place..

The people that live above me are FURIOUS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6va4er/recently_installed_a_skylight_in_my_place/
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Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers cross the road?

They had to take it on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6va497/why_did_the_red_hot_chili_peppers_cross_the_road/
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I have some sausage and cheese for emergencies...

But I will only use them in a wurst käse scenario

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6va41m/i_have_some_sausage_and_cheese_for_emergencies/
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Interview with NASA

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v9zqy/interview_with_nasa/
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This old man approached me. He said, "I planted some seeds somewhere and I can't remember what allotment."

"It's a synonym for 'many'," I replied, "but I can't help you with the first bit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v9y1h/this_old_man_approached_me_he_said_i_planted_some/
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An Irish man is on the way to the hospital for the birth of his first child

Callahan, an Irish man, is racing through the city to get to the hospital where his wife has just been taken to give birth to their first child.
There's nowhere to park, and he's going mad trying to find a spot.
Finally in a panic, he gives up and says "Lord, please.. I'm not a praying man, but I'm praying to you now. Please, if you give me a place to park, I swear I'll never drink again. I'll never go near the stuff. And I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life. Please Lord, if you just do this for me this once."
Just then, magically, a car pulls out in front of him, leaving him a perfect parking space.
Callahan says "Never mind, Lord, one just opened up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v9xhk/an_irish_man_is_on_the_way_to_the_hospital_for/
%
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, the real question is how they got in there in the first place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v9vg3/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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I still remember my grandfather's last words

Don't point that gun at me you idiot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v9uy5/i_still_remember_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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Do you know why they call Helium Curium and Barium the three medical elements?

Because if you can't helium, or curium, you barium! :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v9tcw/do_you_know_why_they_call_helium_curium_and/
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The Sun and the Moon walk into a bar...

Sun: Ahhh damn it! I forgot my wallet.
Moon: Hey no worries, I'll cover ya.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v9qyr/the_sun_and_the_moon_walk_into_a_bar/
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What does Russia call bombing a country?

Putin it away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v9lnw/what_does_russia_call_bombing_a_country/
%
What did the ocean say to the shore?

Nothing, it just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v9ief/what_did_the_ocean_say_to_the_shore/
%
Why is a woman like a condom?

Cause they both spend more time on your wallet than on your dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v96wj/why_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
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Why did the ice cube drop out of highschool?

It was too cool for school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v92ge/why_did_the_ice_cube_drop_out_of_highschool/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v91vb/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
My wife just told me that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I believe her, bananas are much easier to peel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v8v71/my_wife_just_told_me_that_humans_eat_more_bananas/
%
They say if you're nervous about something, just imagine everyone naked.

That did NOT help when I was asking out this girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v8uyx/they_say_if_youre_nervous_about_something_just/
%
How do you get rid of itch?

Start from scratch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v8sib/how_do_you_get_rid_of_itch/
%
I bought condoms today and the cashier asked me if I'd like a bag...

I said, "Nah. She isn't *that* ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v8ri2/i_bought_condoms_today_and_the_cashier_asked_me/
%
People think that Ed Sheeran cameo in Game of Thrones was bad...

But I thought Amy Winehouse getting hit in the face with a rock in last nights episode was just in bad taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v8pz0/people_think_that_ed_sheeran_cameo_in_game_of/
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This homeless woman had a sign that said "Homeless and pregnant"

I asked her "Where did you get pregnant?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v8onm/this_homeless_woman_had_a_sign_that_said_homeless/
%
I had an addiction to soap

But I'm clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v8mh5/i_had_an_addiction_to_soap/
%
Donald Trump watched the solar eclipse from the White House

President Trump was at the White House when one of his Secret Service agents spoke up.
"Mr President, the eclipse is about to happen. If you wear these glasses and look into the sky, you should see it shortly."
Donald Trump, not one for unsolicited advice, declines the glasses but nonetheless looks out the window.
"Johnson, I don't know what you're on about with this solar eclipse. I can't see shit!"
"I'm sorry Mr President, that's a window, not a mirror."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v8m7k/donald_trump_watched_the_solar_eclipse_from_the/
%
I've challenged the sun to a blinking contest everyday of my life

Today was the first day I've won

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v8kn7/ive_challenged_the_sun_to_a_blinking_contest/
%
What follows 16 Sodium atoms into a bar?

Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v8h8a/what_follows_16_sodium_atoms_into_a_bar/
%
The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.

It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v8dze/the_eclipse_did_two_things_our_political_leaders/
%
What reward does a light rain get?

A precipitation trophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v8cya/what_reward_does_a_light_rain_get/
%
According to insiders, Bear Grylls was a nightmare to work with.

He would always show up at work piss drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v83u6/according_to_insiders_bear_grylls_was_a_nightmare/
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Jehovas witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people turning up at their doors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v83ix/jehovas_witnesses_dont_celebrate_halloween/
%
A giant pickle walks into a bar..

and everyone in the bar starts wanting to take selfies with him and buy him drinks. Once all the commotion settles, the bartender asks him why everyone was surrounding him to which the pickle replies, "Well, I'm kind of a big dill"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v7ziw/a_giant_pickle_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v7zgr/man_to_his_priest_yesterday_i_sinned_with_an_18/
%
Christian friend of mine vapes...

Guess I'll see him *inhale*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v7yh1/christian_friend_of_mine_vapes/
%
A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have good jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have good jobs and are attractive.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids and help with the housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids and help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v7vo9/a_woman_goes_to_the_husband_store_to_find_a/
%
Never fall in love with a tennis player

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v7v8d/never_fall_in_love_with_a_tennis_player/
%
Damn girl are you an eclipse??

Because you're standing in front of your hot friends and I can barely see them around you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v7tej/damn_girl_are_you_an_eclipse/
%
This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.

Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v7rrp/this_idiot_on_the_treadmill_at_the_gym/
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My Dad is like the Solar Eclipse

If i make direct eye contact he'll hurt me, but when it's safe for me to look at him he already left for milk and won't be back for several years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v7hpf/my_dad_is_like_the_solar_eclipse/
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That solar eclipse was so dark...

The LAPD beat the shit out of it for being on the wrong side of town.
I locked my car doors when it passed by.
It had its own hashtag for mattering.
Okay r/jokes, take it from here. That solar eclipse was so dark...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v7gm9/that_solar_eclipse_was_so_dark/
%
Can I press indecent exposure charges against stars?

Because today the sun mooned me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v7ejl/can_i_press_indecent_exposure_charges_against/
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A blonde walks into a Doctors Office complaining of sun burn.

The doctor asks "Maybe you need to raise the SPF?"
The blonde looks at the Doc and says "Well I'm using 120 SPF"
The Doctor asks "Are you using it before going out into the sun?"
The blonde replies "Of Course!"
The Doctor asks "Are you sure you are using enough?"
The blonde replies "Well last time Doc I drank the entire bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v7bdm/a_blonde_walks_into_a_doctors_office_complaining/
%
A woman walks into the doctor's office

She asks the doctor, "How much do you charge for a breast job?" The doctor replies, "The procedure starts at $5,000, depending on the size." She says "I can't afford that much money, are there any other options?" The doctor leans back and says "Well, yes, for $200 we can insert a balloon into each breast, which are attached to small pumps held under the armpit. Anytime you want larger breasts, just flap your arms and the balloons will fill up. It's a bit bulky but you can't beat the price." The woman thinks this is a terrific option and undergoes the procedure.
On the way home her car is stopped at a red light. A handsome young man pulls up next to her. She quickly flaps her arms and her breasts become larger. The young man looks over at her and winks. Success! That night, she puts on her best outfit and heads to the bar. While sitting at the counter, a dashing gentleman sits down next to her and says hello. She discretely turns away and flaps her arms. When she turns back to the gentleman, he starts flapping his legs together and says, "I see we go to the same doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v75ng/a_woman_walks_into_the_doctors_office/
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"Dad, why did you name me Rain?"

Dad: "Because rain was the first thing that fell on you"
Rain: "Oh, I never knew that. Is that why my sister is named Snow as well?"
Dad: "Yes, you are absolutely right"
*a baby cries in the corner*
Dad: Shut up Brick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v720c/dad_why_did_you_name_me_rain/
%
Stalin wakes up one morning

and goes to his balcony, where the Sun is rising in the east.
"Good morning, comrade Sun!" he calls out.
"Good morning, comrade Stalin!" the Sun replies, "I hope you slept well."
At noon, Stalin goes for a walk, he looks up at the Sun and says, "good day, comrade Sun!"
"Good day, comrade Stalin, I hope your day is going well."
In the evening, Stalin goes out on the veranda and faces the setting Sun.
"Good evening, comrade Sun!"
Nothing.
"I said, good evening, comrade Sun!"
The Sun replies, "Fuck you, wanker! I'm in the west now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v6ym7/stalin_wakes_up_one_morning/
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How do you take a picture of an eclipse without a camera?

Stare at it for 30 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v6vjw/how_do_you_take_a_picture_of_an_eclipse_without_a/
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Two old farmers were talking about the 'good-ole-days'..

The old farmer from Texas says, "When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day and still be on my property."
The old farmer from Kentucky said, "Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... you shoulda gota Ford...hell, they'll get ya all the way ta town and back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v6ub0/two_old_farmers_were_talking_about_the_goodoledays/
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An inmate walks into his cell...

His cellmate asks, "would rather be the mommy or the daddy?"
"Uhm, the daddy I guess?"
"Then get over here and suck mommy's dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v6s3k/an_inmate_walks_into_his_cell/
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What sound does a red metal rod make when it hits a white metal rod?

*PINK!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v6r94/what_sound_does_a_red_metal_rod_make_when_it_hits/
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The sun blacks out on a work day & everyone is amazed.

I do it and people say I've "got a problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v6pg2/the_sun_blacks_out_on_a_work_day_everyone_is/
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Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v6mwm/chuck_norris_looked_directly_at_the_sun_today/
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Trump!!!

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell.  While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is  finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally Obama gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Obama got to call USA so cheaply.  The devil smiled and replied: "Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v6m69/trump/
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I was gonna write a book on phobias

But I was afraid it wasn't going to sell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v6m5b/i_was_gonna_write_a_book_on_phobias/
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With great power comes

great electricity bill!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v6kuy/with_great_power_comes/
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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator...

...Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v6izf/there_is_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v6e4p/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
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Why didn't the sun go to college?

It already had a million degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v69ty/why_didnt_the_sun_go_to_college/
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How do you blow up a Muslim’s phone?

You turn on airplane mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v69s3/how_do_you_blow_up_a_muslims_phone/
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In many cultures, a penis transplant would be considered...

a dick move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v69pd/in_many_cultures_a_penis_transplant_would_be/
%
What's the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?

A pimple waits until puberty to come on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v61c7/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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What did the astronauts conclude after they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v5zyh/what_did_the_astronauts_conclude_after_they_found/
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I couldn't see the eclipse of the sun today! 😡

Friggin' moon was in the way! 😡

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v5zvf/i_couldnt_see_the_eclipse_of_the_sun_today/
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Why is Spain so good at football (soccer)?

Because no one expects the Spanish in position!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v5zht/why_is_spain_so_good_at_football_soccer/
%
How do you wake Lady Gaga up from a nap?

You poke her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v5z3c/how_do_you_wake_lady_gaga_up_from_a_nap/
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I like to read r/Fencing..

But it's all ripostes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v5yvq/i_like_to_read_rfencing/
%
This homeless man had a sign that said "one day this could be you"

So i put my dollar back in my pocket just in case he wasn't lying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v5ya3/this_homeless_man_had_a_sign_that_said_one_day/
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Did you hear about the crows and the owls?

They're in caw-hoots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v5ukt/did_you_hear_about_the_crows_and_the_owls/
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Two reasons I don't drink toilet water.

No.1
No.2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v5ufj/two_reasons_i_dont_drink_toilet_water/
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I'm thinking about an app to let people rate strippers

I want to name it "Strip Advisor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v5qpf/im_thinking_about_an_app_to_let_people_rate/
%
What did the buffalo say during the solar eclipse?

Bison...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v5lfj/what_did_the_buffalo_say_during_the_solar_eclipse/
%
My wife moans that sexy things I suggest are from watching too much porn.

I just smile and compliment the new recipe from the food channel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v5hoh/my_wife_moans_that_sexy_things_i_suggest_are_from/
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The competition is realy hard among the rubber manufacturers

The british manufacturer says: During the renovation of the Big Ben, a worker fell down from the top of the tower, but his braces hitched into a ledge, so he survived. The british rubber industry is the best.
The american says: That is nothing. When the empire state building was built a worker also fell down, but he could use his chewing-gum to prevent the accident. He sticked the gum to the steel and he survived.
The soviet says: During the renovation of the Kremlyn, a guy fell down from the Saint Nicholas Tower. He died of course, but his rubber boots were intact

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v5b9m/the_competition_is_realy_hard_among_the_rubber/
%
How do you weigh a chilli pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v5apu/how_do_you_weigh_a_chilli_pepper/
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What did the sea say to the mermaid?

Nothing, it just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v5a1w/what_did_the_sea_say_to_the_mermaid/
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GUYS. If you missed the eclipse today, there's going to be a secondary one later.

It's at 8:01 PM. The earth will block out the sun and it will go completely dark during a period of about 10 1/2 hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v586s/guys_if_you_missed_the_eclipse_today_theres_going/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...

I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v55u3/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_said_not/
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I got a girlfriend today!

I wish I could post this on any other thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v54rm/i_got_a_girlfriend_today/
%
Daughter: I like girls...

Second Daughter: I like girls
Dad: God damn, do any of my children like boys?
Son: I do﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v52vz/daughter_i_like_girls/
%
Drinking game for the eclipse

Tomorrow, take a shot for every post on r/tifu with a title that's anything along the lines of "TIFU by looking at the eclipse" or "TIFU by not watching my [sibling/child/parent/grandparent/friend/SO] during the eclipse".
In other words: Take a shot for everyone blinded by their ignorance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v503o/drinking_game_for_the_eclipse/
%
My sex life is like the eclipse.

It doesnt happen often and only lasts a minute or so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v4zrx/my_sex_life_is_like_the_eclipse/
%
I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.

I’m now the main stake holder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v4wiv/i_recently_bought_51_of_a_vampire_hunting_company/
%
Baby skin isn't as soft as they say it is.

Or maybe my rug is fake...
(Repost but haven't seen it in awhile!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v4sjf/baby_skin_isnt_as_soft_as_they_say_it_is/
%
"- Mom, what's an orgasm?"

"- I don't know, go ask your father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v4s7q/mom_whats_an_orgasm/
%
Arrrgghhh... My Retinas Are on Fire

I just saw The Emoji Movie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v4p35/arrrgghhh_my_retinas_are_on_fire/
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I looked at the eclipse without glasses.

Now I will get to see it for the rest of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v4nef/i_looked_at_the_eclipse_without_glasses/
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A blonde goes to a ventriloquist show

The guy is doing his act and at some point starts with jokes about blondes. Infuriated the blonde gets up and shouts: "It's because of shows like this that people don't take blondes seriously! You should be ashamed of yourself for putting down all the blondes... nay, all the women, with your misogynistic jokes! I am sick and tired of people making fun of blondes and women in general!"
The guy stops his act and start apologetically: "ok m'am, I did not know you feel so strongly about this...."
"And YOU sir!" shouts the blonde... "please do not intervene, I was talking to that asshole in your lap!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v4mc7/a_blonde_goes_to_a_ventriloquist_show/
%
Three friends had lived in a skyscraper...

There were three friends who lived in a large skyscraper which had more then five hundred floors.
So one day there was no electricity for a day and the lifts had stopped working. So the three friends, who had no other choice but to climb by the steps had decided that they shall each tell a story to kill some time.
The first friend had told a story of Action and Adventure. About a queen and a king and how the king has been kidnapped by a evil sorcerer and the queen had taken up the role to save him from the dark wizard.
The second friend had told a story about Mystery and horror. It was about how a pig had been killed and how a teenager had taken the mantle of detective only to find out it was his mom and had been heartbroken by this and had to deal with the demons in his mind.
After the first and second friend had finished their stories they were already approaching their apartment.
Seeing as the third friend didn't get a chance to tell a story, they both had decided that they should make it easy and told him to tell a tragedy story of few words.
The friend had replied "I left the keys in the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v4kws/three_friends_had_lived_in_a_skyscraper/
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A King's Offer

In a far away land, an old king had fallen ill and was resigned to the inevitability of death. However, by failing to bear a son, the king feared for the future of his kingdom. A daughter, was all that would remain of his line.
So, to resolve this issue, the king came up with an offer. One day, he requested an audience with all of the bravest men in the village. He said "I need to find an heir to my throne. But only the bravest warrior will be worthy of it."
Pointing to the highest cliff in the land he continued to say, "Whoever shall be brave enough to dive off the cliff, survive the 100 foot drop, swim to the island 200 meters away whilst avoiding the sharks, run through the tiger infested island and retrieve the golden flower that blooms within, and make it back past the tigers, the sharks, and by scaling the 100 foot cliff again shall be named by heir. With this, you shall receive my blessing to wed my daughter, my gold and riches, and fortunes beyond your wildest dreams." The challenge had been set.
A large crowd gathered at the edge of the cliff, hoping to witness an act of bravery. A day passed without any takers.
Two days...
Three days...
On the fourth day, a brave man leaps off the cliff, and plunges into the water. Swimming with all his might, he avoids shark after shark. He reaches the island unscathed and dashes into the jungle. He reappears minutes later, clutching a golden flower, fleeing from a ravenous tiger. He dives back into the sea, and makes his way past the sharks again to the cliff. He scales it and minutes later, pulls himself up to a roar from the crowd.
"Congratulations my boy!", says the king. "You have proven yourself worthy and I hereby give you, my daughters hand in marriage, my riches, and my fortunes."
The man, hands on his knees and panting from the debacle looks up to the king and says "Look man, you can keep your shit. Juts find me the cunt who pushed me off the cliff."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v4bm1/a_kings_offer/
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Happy Birthday to anyone who was born today! Sorry your birthday had to be

Overshadowed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v496x/happy_birthday_to_anyone_who_was_born_today_sorry/
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A depressed person opens r/Jokes to smile a little bit...

...WORST IDEA EVER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v3wu5/a_depressed_person_opens_rjokes_to_smile_a_little/
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Us NAVY joke

Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v3udx/us_navy_joke/
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Today's forecast is going to be....

Partially sunny......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v3t0x/todays_forecast_is_going_to_be/
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What do you call a man who makes jokes about women in the kitchen?

Single.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v3rsz/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_makes_jokes_about/
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There were three cats swimming across a river

Their names were un cat, deux cat, and trois cat. Only un cat and deux cat made it across. Why? Because trois quatre cinq.
(You probably don't get it if you're not English-French bilingual)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v3pac/there_were_three_cats_swimming_across_a_river/
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My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v3p68/my_girlfriend_was_devastated_to_find_out_that_my/
%
One day a woman returns home from work.

She enters her room and sees her husband lying on the bed, sweaty and naked. It also sounds like he has trouble breathing.
"George! Are you okay?"
"Honey... I... think... I'm... having... a... heart... attack..."
The woman panics and rushes to call 911. Halfway through the talk with the cops, her  very young children tell her:
"Mommy, auntie Alice is hiding in the bathroom naked."
Fuming, the woman hangs up on 911 and goes to the bathroom. Indeed, her sister is in the bathroom completely naked.
"You BITCH! My husband is having a heart attack and you find nothing better to do than play hide and seek with the kids?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v3n1s/one_day_a_woman_returns_home_from_work/
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Mother: "How was school today, Jamal?"

Jamal: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Oh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Jamal: "What school?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v3g74/mother_how_was_school_today_jamal/
%
A guy told his neighbor "Close the window when you sleep with your wife cause I saw you yesterday"

His neighbor laughed and said " I wasn't even home yesterday dumbass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v3g1f/a_guy_told_his_neighbor_close_the_window_when_you/
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A photon walks into a hotel

. The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v3csh/a_photon_walks_into_a_hotel/
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Eclipse is an acronym

* Eyes
* Cannot
* Look
* Into
* Partial
* Solar
* Eclipse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v3cjg/eclipse_is_an_acronym/
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TIL that grapes can kill dogs

I'm just raisin awareness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v3aau/til_that_grapes_can_kill_dogs/
%
I'm taking my wife for skydiving.

So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v39rk/im_taking_my_wife_for_skydiving/
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Three bulls!

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v38xv/three_bulls/
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What do people who make memes and solar eclipses over the US have in common?

It takes them both 38 years to go all the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v36dc/what_do_people_who_make_memes_and_solar_eclipses/
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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs...

recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky backcountry.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently I’m still lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v35y1/as_a_bagpiper_i_play_many_gigs/
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How is the eclipse like jail?

Without proper protection, your gonna get fucked over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v35u9/how_is_the_eclipse_like_jail/
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Well, funny story...

FOREWARNING: While the joke might seem antisemitic at first, it's not really. Read it all.
A jew has a son, and when he's 18 he asks him to go to Israel for a year. His son returns after a year, and claims he's no longer jewish. He's christian now.
The jew goes to his best friend (also jewish). "I sent my son to Israel for a year, and he returned and said he no longer was a jew. He said he was christian now!".
His friend replies "Funny story. The same happened to me! Let's ask our rabbi about this."
So they go to their rabbi, tell him that BOTH their sons went to Israel for a year and returned, claiming to be christians now.
Their rabbi says "Huh. Funny story. I have a son too, he went to Israel and said he wasn't a jew anymore, he was christian now. Let's go ask God about this.".
So they go and tell God that all their sons went to Israel as jews and returned claiming to be christian now.
God ponders and says "Well... funny story..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v35o1/well_funny_story/
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Why did the chicken stare at a piece of lettuce?

Because chicken sees a salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v35jk/why_did_the_chicken_stare_at_a_piece_of_lettuce/
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're assigned to hell."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says.
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.
"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff - I'm keeping him!" Satan says.
"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers:
"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v3341/an_engineer_dies_and_reports_to_the_pearly_gates/
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What's Iron Man's gender?

FeMale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v32ho/whats_iron_mans_gender/
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Two clowns are eating a cannibal

One says to the other
"I think we fucked this joke up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2x75/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
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I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2w4d/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_one_day/
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The solar eclipse is like my sex life

it will be dark, hurt your eyes and only last 2 minutes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2vmx/the_solar_eclipse_is_like_my_sex_life/
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20 AMAZING ways to cut down on click bait

Well that wasn't one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2ux5/20_amazing_ways_to_cut_down_on_click_bait/
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Why does everyone care about the eclipse?

Probably because it's significance is astronomical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2uov/why_does_everyone_care_about_the_eclipse/
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Too Kinky

a guy is sitting at a bar and in walks a woman and sits right beside him.
she orders a drink and midway thru it she starts crying.
"what's wrong?" he asks
"my husband just left me yesterday" she replies
"why"
"he said that I was too kinky during sex"
"it's weird that you say that, my wife left me a couple of weeks ago saying that I was too kinky"
after a couple of more drinks she asks the guy if he wanted to come back to her place and "we can be kinky together"
"sure" he says
they get back to her house and she says " get undressed while I go put on something more 'uncomfortable'"
15 minutes later she comes out of the bedroom wearing a complete gimp outfit, mask with a zipper over the mouth, black leather from head to toe, holding a riding crop.
he's putting his clothes back on and headed for the door.
she asks, "where are you going? I thought we were gonna be kinky together?"
he says, "Look hun, while you were getting dressed I've already shit in you purse and fucked your dog, I'm done for the night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2u2t/too_kinky/
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They shouldn't let students outside to see the eclipse today

They need to protect their pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2tj1/they_shouldnt_let_students_outside_to_see_the/
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Two blondes are going to Disney Land

At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left"
They went home crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2rgj/two_blondes_are_going_to_disney_land/
%
A book fell on my head...

I only have my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2p60/a_book_fell_on_my_head/
%
what do you call an Asian man who always has a correct change ?

Exact Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2o1f/what_do_you_call_an_asian_man_who_always_has_a/
%
Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2nve/jesus_once_said_he_who_lives_by_the_sword_will/
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If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2nf9/if_im_ever_on_life_support_unplug_me/
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What's the worst thing about being a test tube baby?

... knowing your dad's a wanker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2nc8/whats_the_worst_thing_about_being_a_test_tube_baby/
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3.14% of sailors are....

π-rates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2nar/314_of_sailors_are/
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A boy asks his father what is the meaning of the Solar Eclipse?

The father replies "No son"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2lcq/a_boy_asks_his_father_what_is_the_meaning_of_the/
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You can use a colander to look at the eclipse

But be careful you don't strain your eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2l99/you_can_use_a_colander_to_look_at_the_eclipse/
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If the eclipse glasses I sold you don't work...

see me after, and I'll give you a refund.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2iwi/if_the_eclipse_glasses_i_sold_you_dont_work/
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How does the moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2hyb/how_does_the_moon_cut_its_hair/
%
A Korean man and a Jewish man are in a bar, total strangers to one another.

The Jewish man walks up to the Korean man and, totally unprompted, punches him in the face.
Naturally, the Korean man goes "What was that for?"
The Jewish man responds, "That was for Pearl Harbor."
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese," says the Korean man.
"Ah, Korean, Chinese, Japanese — you guys are all the same."
Looking not to argue, they part ways.
Later in the night, the Korean man walks up to the Jewish man, and punches him in the face as well.
"Okay, okay, I get it — that's fair. I punched you, you punched me, but what was that for?"
"That was for the titanic," says the Korean man.
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."
"Yeah — Greenberg, Goldberg, Iceberg. You're all the same."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2ejb/a_korean_man_and_a_jewish_man_are_in_a_bar_total/
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Father: Hey son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy-milk
Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v2cp5/father_hey_son_what_are_you_drinking/
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Woke up at 5:30am to get a head start on driving to view the Eclipse today

Must have missed the start though- it was already dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v28qq/woke_up_at_530am_to_get_a_head_start_on_driving/
%
Who won the first Tour de France?

The 3rd German Tank Division.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v27lr/who_won_the_first_tour_de_france/
%
What's the difference...

Whats the difference between a fridge and your girlfriend?
The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v22ot/whats_the_difference/
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After picking her son up from school one day...

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v22lx/after_picking_her_son_up_from_school_one_day/
%
A priest said that masturbation is the devils typewriter

Guess im writing a novel tonight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v21cs/a_priest_said_that_masturbation_is_the_devils/
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Two eggs in a fridge

"Why are you so green and hairy?"
"That's because I'm a kiwi asshole".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v1zo3/two_eggs_in_a_fridge/
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Job interview

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$200 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v1zk2/job_interview/
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A special needs school added a fresh layer of blacktop to their parking lot.

I asked my dad if they re-paved the whole parking lot.
Dad: No, they just retard it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v1ziw/a_special_needs_school_added_a_fresh_layer_of/
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You can look at the solar eclipse directly

Once with your left eye, once with your right eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v1yee/you_can_look_at_the_solar_eclipse_directly/
%
I went to a club last night..

They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played "Come on Eileen", I got kicked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v1uwj/i_went_to_a_club_last_night/
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Genders are like the Twin Towers

There used to be two of them and now its a really sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v1qef/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
If self-depreciation was a sport...

I'd probably be pretty rubbish at that too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v1pvg/if_selfdepreciation_was_a_sport/
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My career is in ruins.

It’s great being an archaeologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v1jgm/my_career_is_in_ruins/
%
I met a girl and there was something about her I liked,

but I couldn't put my finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v1ivq/i_met_a_girl_and_there_was_something_about_her_i/
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Does the telephone remind you of anything?

No, but it rings a bell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v1ggx/does_the_telephone_remind_you_of_anything/
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Two med students are walking down the street...

When they see an older gentleman limping in front of them. Every time he took a step his right foot would shake.
"I bet it is a degenerative nerve damage issue" says the first one.
"It looks more like a hip joint issue" says the second.
They argue for a while and then decide to ask the man what his problem is.
The gentleman listens to them and then he says:
"I thought it was only a fart"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v1e1u/two_med_students_are_walking_down_the_street/
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There are three men in a boat and 4 cigarettes.

They don't have a lighter. How do they smoke? They toss one cigarette over to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v1cov/there_are_three_men_in_a_boat_and_4_cigarettes/
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A man was browsing Craigslist one day...

...when he comes across this insane deal. A good-as-new Porsche, for 20 bucks. "It's a prank," he thinks. "Like that Hooters girl and the Toyota/'toy Yoda' thing." Still, he's not really in need of $20, so he decides to be a good sport and humor the seller.
He drives out to the address in the ad and it's this big mansion, clearly owned by somebody who can at least afford a normal-priced Porsche. Waiting there is a little old lady who takes him into the garage; sure enough, inside is a full-size Porsche with barely a dent in it. He's still wary, though; maybe the engine is broken in a way that can't be repaired and doesn't show on the outside of the car?
So he asks to take the car for a test drive, and it works like a charm. Finally convinced it's no joke, he pulls back up to the mansion to give payment. As he's doing so, he asks, "Listen ma'am, the Porsche is great and all, but why sell it for so cheap?"
The woman begins, "It used to be my husband's, you see..."
The man's face crumples, "Oh, I'm so sorry..."
The woman shakes her head, "No, he's still very much alive. But he ran off with his secretary a few weeks ago, you see, and sent me a message..."
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'Sell the Porsche and send me the money.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v19ev/a_man_was_browsing_craigslist_one_day/
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How do you tell if someone is a plumber or a scientist?

Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v18jr/how_do_you_tell_if_someone_is_a_plumber_or_a/
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Why is a woman like a KFC?

Because once you get past the juicy breast and tender thigh, all you have left is a greasy bucket to put your bone in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v1817/why_is_a_woman_like_a_kfc/
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What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v16xs/whats_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_man_on/
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A guy walks into a bar

On the bar counter, there is a huge jar full of 50$ bills. Before he can say anything, the bartender says:
"If you put 50$ in the jar I'll give you 3 challenges. Complete all 3 of them,and  you get to walk away with the whole jar"
So the guy throws in 50$ and the bartender gives him the challenges:
"Firstly, you need to take 10 shots of vodka and still be able to walk. After that, go out in the alley behind the bar. There will be a pitbull with rabies: you have to beat him up. Finally, my grandma lives across the street, her husband died 40 years ago and she's been horny ever since... I want you to go give her a night she'll never forget"
"Well, I ain't doing this shit sober!" Says the client, taking shot after shot of vodka
After the 10th shot, the man is still standing, so he goes to the back alley to complete his second challenge.
At last, after 30 minutes of screaming and growling, the man walks back into the bar, with a clawed up face and a broken arm, his clothes drenched in blood.
"So," He says, to the bartender
"Where's your grandma so I can go beat the living shit out of her?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v0y65/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off . I said , "son that's 5 schools in 2 years....

Maybe teaching isn't for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v0v83/my_son_was_thrown_out_of_school_today_for_letting/
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(√-1) (2^3) (Σπ)

And it was delicious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v0ug0/1_23_σπ/
%
A frog goes in to a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure . I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says…
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
** EDIT:  Wow, thanks for my first gold kind stranger!!!   Glad you enjoyed the joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v0ks7/a_frog_goes_in_to_a_bank/
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What do you call a Nazi with two brain cells?

Pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v0kij/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_with_two_brain_cells/
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Why was the poster so upset?

Apparently his back was against the wall and he felt like he was under... a-tack...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v0k7w/why_was_the_poster_so_upset/
%
Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone tomorrow but...

Bella chooses Edward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v0jey/not_to_spoil_the_eclipse_for_anyone_tomorrow_but/
%
My doctor told me i had to stop masturbating.

"Why?" I exclaimed.
"Because Im trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v0d26/my_doctor_told_me_i_had_to_stop_masturbating/
%
I came home from the bar four hours late last night. “Where the hell have you been?” screamed my wife.

I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”
“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”
“So can you” I said, “This isn’t our house anymore.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v0cut/i_came_home_from_the_bar_four_hours_late_last/
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A haiku about getting out of bed...

No no no no no,
No no no no no no no,
No no no no no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v0ap1/a_haiku_about_getting_out_of_bed/
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Why did the dinner roll and her friends go to so many ballet recitals?

Because they were in abundance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v07j3/why_did_the_dinner_roll_and_her_friends_go_to_so/
%
When my granddad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I can still remember the very first thing I said to him.

“Have you got that five grand I lent you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v05d2/when_my_granddad_was_diagnosed_with_alzheimers_i/
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A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls...

...So now he has fiber optics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v0592/a_tailor_had_his_eyes_replaced_with_yarn_balls/
%
What do you get when you combine a president, a penis, and a potato?

An orange dick-tater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v03gt/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_a_president_a/
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If Europe uses Euros as currency...

then Africa should use Afros as currency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v02sl/if_europe_uses_euros_as_currency/
%
An 8 year old girl goes to the zoo with her family...

...and all starts off well until they see the monkeys. The little girl sees two baboons having rough sex, then tugs on her mothers arm and points at the monkeys.
"Mommy, mommy! What are they doing?"
Flabbergasted by this situation, but wanting to spare her daughter's innocence, the mother says "They're making cake, dear."
The daughter thinks nothing of it and the family continues their journey at the zoo. Things soon go back to normal until they get to the kangaroos. The little girl sees two kangaroos getting hot and heavy, then tugs on her mom's arm.
"Mommy, mommy! What are those kangaroos doing?", asked the curious girl.
The mother, thinking her white lie worked good enough last time repeated the same story to her daughter:
"They're making cake, dear".
The girl thinks nothing of it, and the family moves on to more attractions at the zoo. Finally, they arrive at the tiger's den, and sure enough the little girl sees two tigers having their way with each other. Again, the little girl tugs on her mom's arm and points to the tigers.
"Mommy, mommy! Are those tigers making cake, too?"
Thinking that this was rather cute, despite the circumstance, the mother plays along and says "yes".
That night the family goes home, and later the daughter is fast asleep in her bed. After her dad checks on her he goes to the kitchen and approaches his wife, caressing her from behind, and whispers in her ear "Why don't we go to the bedroom and make some of your own cake?"
The girl's parents do the deed all night, resulting in the mother making a late breakfast the next morning. While she's in the kitchen busy at the stove, the little girl comes up to her.
"Mommy, mommy! You and dad made cake last night, didn't you?"
Dumbfounded beyond belief the mother trips her over her own words, until she gets her bearings.
"How did you know?", exclaimed the mother. "Did you hear us?"
The little girl shakes her head. "Uh uh."
"Did you see us?"
Again, the girl shakes her head. "Nope!"
"Well then how in the world do you know if we were making cake last night?"
The little girl giggles and says "I just got done licking the icing off of the sheets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v01pl/an_8_year_old_girl_goes_to_the_zoo_with_her_family/
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I've said it once, and I'll say it again.

It.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v01f9/ive_said_it_once_and_ill_say_it_again/
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My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise

I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6v00o3/my_friend_believes_the_office_is_the_best/
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What's the difference between Hitler and Jake Paul?

Hitler knew when to kill himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzzc2/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_jake_paul/
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I love playing hide -and - seek during sex

Especially after I count to ten and shout: "Ready or not here I come!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzwje/i_love_playing_hide_and_seek_during_sex/
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What a coincidence!

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.' 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzvzg/what_a_coincidence/
%
Surveys show people from Massachusetts go camping more than any other state.

Their destination usually includes one of Connecticut's many passing lanes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzum0/surveys_show_people_from_massachusetts_go_camping/
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I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.”

“You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzqsd/i_showed_the_damaged_remains_of_my_luggage_to_my/
%
Three guys are found by cannibals on an island

Three Guys are found by cannibals on an island.
But the cannibals have a little bit of heart left, so they decide to give them a chance to save their lives. The cannibals tell the guys that they have to first go out into the jungle and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruit, and will get their next instruction when they return.
So the first guy comes back with Oranges, and the cannibals tell him that his challenge is to shove all ten of them up his butt without showing any sign of emotion, or they'll kill him. So he gets to about 4 and starts crying, so they kill him.
The second guy comes back from the jungle next with cherries, and the cannibals give him the same challenge. He gets to 9 and is about to do the 10th when he pauses, and starts laughing hysterically.
Later, the first and second guys are sitting up in heaven talking about their time with the cannibals. and the first guy turns to the second guy and says "dude you were so close! why did you start laughing?" and the second guy says
"You would laugh too if you knew the third guy was coming back with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uznw7/three_guys_are_found_by_cannibals_on_an_island/
%
I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.

I really need to stop drinking on duty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzmdt/i_woke_up_in_the_police_station_this_morning_with/
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What do you call a gay that is half Russian half Hispanic?

Vladimir Puto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzlcs/what_do_you_call_a_gay_that_is_half_russian_half/
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Why do people think Jesus would come back?

He wasn't nailed to a fucking boomerang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzk7p/why_do_people_think_jesus_would_come_back/
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What is the best way to kill a hipster?

Drown him in the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzik9/what_is_the_best_way_to_kill_a_hipster/
%
What does the man on the moon do when he needs a haircut?

Eclipse it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzib4/what_does_the_man_on_the_moon_do_when_he_needs_a/
%
An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."
The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"
The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzfon/an_underage_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What was the name of the online barber?

E-Clips
.... Couldn't resist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzeh6/what_was_the_name_of_the_online_barber/
%
Knock-knock

Who's there?
To
To who?
To *whom*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzdz5/knockknock/
%
Why didn't the security guard want to work at the rooftop bank?

Because he was scared of heists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzd5w/why_didnt_the_security_guard_want_to_work_at_the/
%
You can't spell advertisements...

...without semen between the tits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzcb0/you_cant_spell_advertisements/
%
Two cows were grazing in the field, when one of them says to the other, "How about that mad cow disease, huh?"

The second one says, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzbnv/two_cows_were_grazing_in_the_field_when_one_of/
%
A baker was training his protege in the kitchen.

The protege gets hungry and starts eating some dough he found on the counter. The baker gets mad and yells, "Hey! I kneaded that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uzae0/a_baker_was_training_his_protege_in_the_kitchen/
%
A Psychic buying clothes.

Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Employee: You didn’t even try it on.
Psychic: I’m a medium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uz1gt/a_psychic_buying_clothes/
%
What did Bob Marley say to the chef?

What Jamaican?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyzuz/what_did_bob_marley_say_to_the_chef/
%
Pi is fighting with i

Pi : get real
i : be rational

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyxky/pi_is_fighting_with_i/
%
man goes to his doctor...

man goes to his doctor and begins to explain
"Doctor, I have a problem. My wife is a nymphomaniac and we have to have sex at least twice before she'll let me go to work. My secretary is also a nympho, and we usually have sex late morning and mid afternoon in the stationery cupboard. Sometimes my wife rings and I have to go home at lunchtime to satisfy her, otherwise she says she'll have sex with the mailman! When I get home, I have to satisfy my wife immediately, and then again at bed time before I am allowed to go to sleep."
the doctor asks "so what's the problem?"
"it hurts when I masturbate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uystb/man_goes_to_his_doctor/
%
What is worse than finding a bug in your salad?

Getting anally raped by a rhinoceros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uysi1/what_is_worse_than_finding_a_bug_in_your_salad/
%
I got my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks!"
I said, "Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyq4o/i_got_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A perfect ten... but completely imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyp26/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
When I found out I was circumcised...

I felt like I was missing a little piece of myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyox2/when_i_found_out_i_was_circumcised/
%
Why do terrorists love their job?

Because they always have a blast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyo5v/why_do_terrorists_love_their_job/
%
Why are vegans the best friends in the world?

They never have beef with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyn8j/why_are_vegans_the_best_friends_in_the_world/
%
I heard that Rick Astley will lend you any title from his collection of Pixar movies except one...

He's never going to give you "Up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uymj9/i_heard_that_rick_astley_will_lend_you_any_title/
%
If you don't go to someone's funeral...

they won't come to yours either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uylke/if_you_dont_go_to_someones_funeral/
%
TIL the tooth brush was invented in Kentucky...

Anywhere else and it would be called a teeth brush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uykar/til_the_tooth_brush_was_invented_in_kentucky/
%
A man walks into the bar....

And up to the barman, 'pint please' he asks
Barman proceeds to pour him a pint, '£3 please' says the barman while handing the pint over.
The man empties his pockets to find no money.
'Anything i can do instead to pay for it?' Asks the man
'Actually yes' replies the barman, 'see that donkey over in the corner?'
The man looks, nodding.
'Make that donkey laugh, then the pints on me'
The man decides what the heck, walks over the the donkey, whispers in its ear and to everyones amazement, the donkey laughs.
The man swiftly walks to the bar, downs his pint and asks 'anything else for more pints?'
'Yes, if you can make him cry, all your drinks are on me'
The man smiled and walked back to the donkey, a few minutes went by and a bit of commotion before the donkey started to cry.
'Wtf' shouts the barman, 'first of all, how did you make him laugh?'
'I told the donkey i had a bigger dick than him' replies the man
'And how did you make him cry?'
'I showed him'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyk3h/a_man_walks_into_the_bar/
%
Q: What's the difference between a Nazi and a bowling ball?

A: You can't stab a bowling ball with a pitchfork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyjz6/q_whats_the_difference_between_a_nazi_and_a/
%
I have a fetish for indigenous girls. Wanted to have sex with this girl in Alaska, but, unfortunately...

... She wasn't inuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyh9c/i_have_a_fetish_for_indigenous_girls_wanted_to/
%
How does Neil deGrasse Tyson trim his toenails tomorrow?

Eclipse them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyh4m/how_does_neil_degrasse_tyson_trim_his_toenails/
%
What do diapers and politicians have in common?

They both need changing regularly, for the exact same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyh37/what_do_diapers_and_politicians_have_in_common/
%
A couple having sex asked their son to stand on the balcony....

A couple having sex in the bedroom asked their son to stand on the balcony to keep him occupied and keep telling them what's going on outside.
Son: John is buying fruits, Tina is playing and Michael is fucking his wife.
Dad: What? Is he doing it openly?
Son: No, I haven't seen him but his son is also standing in the balcony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyg60/a_couple_having_sex_asked_their_son_to_stand_on/
%
There was a demonstration by homeless people in my town today.

They were demanding change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyelr/there_was_a_demonstration_by_homeless_people_in/
%
Werner Heisenberg is driving down a highway...

...when he sees a police car is flashing its lights at him. He pulls over, and so does the cop. The cops gets out, taps on Heisenberg's window, he rolls it down.
"Sir," the cop asks, "do you know how fast you were going?"
"No," Heisenberg replies, "but I know where I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uye5f/werner_heisenberg_is_driving_down_a_highway/
%
Why do white girls come in three?

Because they like can't even!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyd4h/why_do_white_girls_come_in_three/
%
Time flies like an arrow...

Fruit flies like a banana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uyc9w/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
What did the cheese say to the mirror

Halloumi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uy7t2/what_did_the_cheese_say_to_the_mirror/
%
A doe walks through the forest and says

That's the last time I'm doing that for 2 bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uy6lw/a_doe_walks_through_the_forest_and_says/
%
Come over

Girl: Come over.
Guy: I'm coming over.
Girl: We should really stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uy5cd/come_over/
%
A guy shows up late to work. The boss yells, 'You should have been here at 8:30!'

The guy asks, 'Why? What happened at 8:30?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uy4dz/a_guy_shows_up_late_to_work_the_boss_yells_you/
%
I quit my job working for Nike.

Just couldn’t do it anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uy0al/i_quit_my_job_working_for_nike/
%
I was arguing with a black hole.

Great conversationalist, but too dense to listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxytd/i_was_arguing_with_a_black_hole/
%
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down...

You have my Word.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxu1h/whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i_will/
%
The last four letters in “queue” are not silent

They’re just waiting their turn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxshw/the_last_four_letters_in_queue_are_not_silent/
%
A man asks his wife: What do you most like about me, my body or my intellect?

She responds: your sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxq7t/a_man_asks_his_wife_what_do_you_most_like_about/
%
Should've known my friend was a communist..

Because all the red flags were there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxq41/shouldve_known_my_friend_was_a_communist/
%
Predicting Reddit tomorrow

"TIFU by looking directly at the eclipse"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxmso/predicting_reddit_tomorrow/
%
1 + 1 = 3

If you don't use a condom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxm8v/1_1_3/
%
So how about that airline food?

Pretty Plane if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxlw1/so_how_about_that_airline_food/
%
What's the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxl4g/whats_the_best_part_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
We all need to learn a little tact

Tom and Sarah, a couple, decided that they were in need of a long vacation. After having their two boys, Cole and Benny, they hadn't had a chance to really get away and enjoy some time alone. So they booked a month long vacation to tour Europe and called the Grandparents to take care of the boys and their dog, Spot.
The explained to the kids that they wouldn't be able to talk to them all the time because their phones wouldn't work. However they promised to call at least every few days. A week into their vacation, Sarah wanted to see how the family was doing so she called them from the hotel. Benny, barely age 10, picked up the phone. Sarah was delighted to hear him so she asked him how things were going. Benny replied bluntly, "Spot died." Sarah burst into tears and Tom who had overheard the conversation picked up the phone to talk to Benny. "Benny," Tom said, "You know how much your mom loved spot. You have to be more careful how you tell her things. You should've started slowly. When we called you today you should've said that spot keeps playing in the street. When we call you again next week, you say that it got hit by a car. In two weeks, you tell us that he's in the hospital and it doesn't look good. Finally, at then end of our vacation, you tell us that he passed away softly. This is called tact."
"Alright Dad," Benny replied, "I'm sorry. I understand."
"Good," Dad responded, "So how is everything else? How is grandma doing?"
Benny replied reassuringly, "Oh she is playing in the street."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxl3t/we_all_need_to_learn_a_little_tact/
%
I think my family is racist.

I brought my black girlfriend home and my wife wouldn't even talk to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxj7o/i_think_my_family_is_racist/
%
What do you call 4 Mexicans sinking in quick sand?

cuatro sinko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxhcn/what_do_you_call_4_mexicans_sinking_in_quick_sand/
%
I've been wondering what the eclipse looks like...

But I've been kept in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxh8y/ive_been_wondering_what_the_eclipse_looks_like/
%
women talk

A: Dude,  Do you know why women talk less in February?
B: Nope, why?
A: Cause it has only 29 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxf3j/women_talk/
%
There are 101 nuns on a bus....

They are all going on a trip. The head Mother Superior stand up and faces all the nuns. She says
"There seem to a problem going on in our church"
99 nuns gasp and one snickers.
She then hold up a condom and says
"I had found this in our chapel"
99 nuns gasp and one snickers.
"But don't worry" she says, "well find them soon, there's a hole in it"
99 nuns snicker and one gasps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxb72/there_are_101_nuns_on_a_bus/
%
The lesbians next door

My lesbian neighbors wanted me to help them conceive a child and agreed to do it the old fashioned way because they are very easy going. We've been trying for three months and I haven't had the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxawq/the_lesbians_next_door/
%
A boy sees his father smoking everyday (NSFW)

and one day ask for a puff, his father replied you can have one once your penis can touch your asshole. the boy went away.
days later after seeing his father drink beer, asked for a sip, his father said the same thing. the boy went away again.
years later he confronted his father asking a cigarette and a bottle of beer,
His father asked "can your penis touch your asshole?"
he replied YES!!
the father said so go fuck yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uxab6/a_boy_sees_his_father_smoking_everyday_nsfw/
%
Which sith lord prefers to cripple his opponents rather than kill them?

Darth Ritis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ux966/which_sith_lord_prefers_to_cripple_his_opponents/
%
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall

I SAID MAYBE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ux943/my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
What does Bruce Lee order at Burger King?

A *WHOPPA*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ux8h2/what_does_bruce_lee_order_at_burger_king/
%
My wife left me because I'm too insecure

No wait, she's back.
She was just making some coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ux8c4/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
What can be grabbed by your left hand but not your right hand ?

Your right hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ux89j/what_can_be_grabbed_by_your_left_hand_but_not/
%
Calculators can be pretty unreliable

But you can always count on your hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ux72o/calculators_can_be_pretty_unreliable/
%
I slept with your mom last night..

Once in a bar, one guy said to another.. "I slept with your mom last night."
After that whole bar was waiting another guy's response.
After a while... he laughs
and
says: Let's go home, Dad,
you are drunk.😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ux1cm/i_slept_with_your_mom_last_night/
%
-Mom, am I ugly?

- I told you not to call me Mom in public!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ux0cj/mom_am_i_ugly/
%
I got gas today for $1.49.

I couldn't believe it was that cheap. Then again, I don't know what else I expected going to Taco Bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ux03i/i_got_gas_today_for_149/
%
Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uwup6/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
A guy goes to an interview for an entry level position..

HR Manager: "We've done a small background check on you. Your current boss tells us that you have no technical or business skills. You report late to office every day, spend 3 hrs on lunch/breaks, 2 hrs on checking mails and remaining time on useless meetings. Your colleagues also describe you as a liar, a manipulator and a major pain in the ass... In light of this feedback, we cannot offer an entry level position to you in our firm".
Candidate: "Are you rejecting me straight away..?"
HR Manager: "Umm.. No.. We are actually fast-tracking your application for a role in the middle management.. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uwu5r/a_guy_goes_to_an_interview_for_an_entry_level/
%
I had sex with this girl that would constantly remind me of her age

I guess it's a German thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uwt86/i_had_sex_with_this_girl_that_would_constantly/
%
After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I’d forgotten I had.

Mainly when I smiled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uwt6r/after_divorcing_from_my_ten_year_marriage_i/
%
A pirate comes across a skull just sitting there randomly in the sand crying.

The pirate asks "Why are you crying?" The skull replies through its tears " I'm all alone, I have nobody!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uwt15/a_pirate_comes_across_a_skull_just_sitting_there/
%
How many dementia patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uwrum/how_many_dementia_patients_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
Happy Valentine's Day

The Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uwrp5/happy_valentines_day/
%
Man walks into a pet shop.

A man walks into a pet shop, and asks the owner for the most exotic talking pet he had. The shop keeper obliged, and rummaged around under the counter. He then passes the man a match box. The man looked surprised and confused? And asked the shop keeper what's in the box? The shop owner replied, a talking catapilla. Still confused the man said i will give it a try and took the catapilla home.
All excited with his new pet he decides to take him for a walk. So the man opens the match box slightly and says to the catapilla. Fancy coming for a walk around the block? The catapilla didn't repy. So the man shut the match box and thought he must be sleeping and went on his walk.
The next morning he tried it again and asks the catapilla do you fancy a walk around the block? Same again not a peep from the catapilla. Now the man was unhappy he thought he has been scammed by the shop owner. And would return it the next day.
A day later the man wakes up and opens the match box slightly for a peep. And says to the catapilla. Right we are going for a walk if you like it or not or I'm taking you back.  A moment passed and suddenly the catapilla shouts promptly. "I heard you the first time, I'm still in the middle of putting all my shoes on!!""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uwqmw/man_walks_into_a_pet_shop/
%
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely..

..so God asked Adam, “What is bothering you?”
Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love’ and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for nonsense…
...but she's gonna cost you.”
"Cost me what?" Adam asked.
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uwnm7/adam_was_walking_around_the_garden_of_eden/
%
What do breasts and toys have in common?

They're made for children, but Daddy always ends up playing with them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uwhwt/what_do_breasts_and_toys_have_in_common/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uwhjp/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
I burned 2000 calories today.

Last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uwen3/i_burned_2000_calories_today/
%
I parked in three different handicap parking spots last week. No ticket, and no dirty looks.

Apparently the "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" bumper sticker is accepted nation wide now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uw908/i_parked_in_three_different_handicap_parking/
%
Woke up this morning, took a shit,

Got out of bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uw7t5/woke_up_this_morning_took_a_shit/
%
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uvyss/i_asked_a_librarian_if_she_had_a_book_about/
%
The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.
I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uvwws/the_salt_packet_says_it_was_created_from_a_250/
%
A trucker is driving his rig at night

He's on the phone to one of his mates. At one point he asks:
"Fred, what would you say is the height of the largest type of penguin?"
"That's a really weird question Tom, but I guess around 120cm"
"Ah... are you sure? Not tall as say, a human?"
"I wouldn't say so Tom, seems pretty unlikely"
"Ah, shit... I guess I just ran over a Nun then.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uvt3c/a_trucker_is_driving_his_rig_at_night/
%
I don't like telling jokes about Muslims.

A lot of them have a very short fuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uvt0a/i_dont_like_telling_jokes_about_muslims/
%
A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock". The wife glanced down at his shoes and said "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uvsbo/a_married_man_was_having_an_affair_with_his/
%
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uvqth/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
%
[Introducing girlfriend to my family]

Me : This is my girlfriend janine
Janine : Hi
Wife : What the fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uvpzi/introducing_girlfriend_to_my_family/
%
There's a guy in my town that fancies women and might fancy men too.

He's nearby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uvpll/theres_a_guy_in_my_town_that_fancies_women_and/
%
My girlfriend said she'd be with me forever if I got a job on a ship.

I'm thinking of mariner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uvpgb/my_girlfriend_said_shed_be_with_me_forever_if_i/
%
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uvp9q/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
%
Why was the banana a good prosecutor?

She always made the defense slip up on appeal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uvp8y/why_was_the_banana_a_good_prosecutor/
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Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow was taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uvg1j/why_do_they_call_it_pms/
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The teacher decides to teach multi-syllable words..

Hannah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Hannah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Hannah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Hannah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Hannah that's a mouthful." Hannah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uveqb/the_teacher_decides_to_teach_multisyllable_words/
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I read a book about a man who had plastic surgery.

The preface was really good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uve9h/i_read_a_book_about_a_man_who_had_plastic_surgery/
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TIL 2*10 is the same as 2*11

The former is twenty, the latter is twenty too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uvdb5/til_210_is_the_same_as_211/
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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.
"It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick!
Spit'em out!
They're assholes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uvbia/a_teacher_was_working_with_a_group_of_children/
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I just read the bible, really good book. Had a lot of character development

In my opinion, the Noah Arc was the best part

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uv61g/i_just_read_the_bible_really_good_book_had_a_lot/
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The flight attendant see's a suspicious looking couple onboard,

so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
We must save the lady!"
The Captain responds, "Patricia, I’ve told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uv2xt/the_flight_attendant_sees_a_suspicious_looking/
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A man asks a farmer near a field

, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uuucy/a_man_asks_a_farmer_near_a_field/
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What do you call a rich Chinese person?

Cha-Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uus7e/what_do_you_call_a_rich_chinese_person/
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I opened my computer and it said hello....

It was a Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uuozq/i_opened_my_computer_and_it_said_hello/
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2 Whales [long]

2 Whales, a boy whale and a girl whale, are swimming in the ocean when they see a big whaling vessel. The boy whale freaks out.
"That's the ship that speared my father," the boy whale says to the girl whale. "We must avenge his death. Let's go underneath it and use our blowholes to capsize the boat."
The girl whale agrees, so they swim underneath the ship and blow enough water to tip the boat into the ocean. As the sailors are swimming away to safety, the boy whale gets even angrier and says to the girl whale "we can't let them get away, let's go eat them!"
The girl whale says "look, I went along with the blow job, but I'm not swallowing the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uulzg/2_whales_long/
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I love open minded people

Like JFK or Kurt Cobain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uui7c/i_love_open_minded_people/
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I always round up when calculating money.

It just makes more cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uuh5g/i_always_round_up_when_calculating_money/
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A white supremacist gets tested for diseases

So much for their "pure blood" claim, the only thing that came up negative was their IQ test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uuh4g/a_white_supremacist_gets_tested_for_diseases/
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Which body organ loves life the most?

The Liver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uufrm/which_body_organ_loves_life_the_most/
%
A 70 year old man went for a Sperm Test

The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm. The
next day, the man came with the empty bottle &
said he tried with his left hand then right hand.
Then his wife tried with her left hand & right
hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both
hands & mouth. Then the neighbor's wife &
daughter tried the same way..but could not open
the damn bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uuaad/a_70_year_old_man_went_for_a_sperm_test/
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A boy and his father are in the store

When they come across the section where the condoms are kept.  The boy looks at them and asks his dad why they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.
The father replies: "Well son the 3 pack is for the highschool kids, one for Friday, one for saturday, and one for Sunday.  The 6 pack is for the college kids.  Same principle, but 2 for friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for sunday."
"What about the 12 pack?" asked the son.
"Those are for the married men" said the dad proudly.
"Really?" asked the son.
"Yes indeed," said the father.  "One for January, one for February, one for March........."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uu865/a_boy_and_his_father_are_in_the_store/
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Where's Russian milk coming from?

Moscows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uu5mb/wheres_russian_milk_coming_from/
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What does a diabetic's blood taste like?

Sweet irony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uu2qf/what_does_a_diabetics_blood_taste_like/
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Lawyer : She had 3 children, yes?

Witness : Yes
Lawyer : How many were boys?
Witness : None
Lawyer : Were there girls?
*This was a real conversation in court*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uu04n/lawyer_she_had_3_children_yes/
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Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You can hang the picture with only one nail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utyo5/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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So, the time had come to break up with my girlfriend

Don't get me wrong, there was definitely fault on both sides.  But she could never confront our issues head-on; whenever we came up to a difficult topic (e.g., lying, trust, infidelity) she would always try to distract me and change the subject.
This tendency extended to when it had come time to end the relationship.  Every time I got close to saying that I thought it was time for a break, or I couldn't do this any longer, she would suddenly remember something she had to do, something else we needed to deal with - or, better yet, something she'd picked up.
To provide a little background: in the over 5 years of our relationship, she had come to know my preferences and passions quite well.  One of my greatest weaknesses is for specialty dried fruits.  Just when things were at their worst, apricots rolled in cinnamon or plums soaked in exquisite liqueurs and sun-dried would appear on our apartment's lone table out of thin air.  Though I could never quite find out where it was located, she frequently ordered from some shop that dried and prepared grapes in the most incredible blends of spices and sweet flavorings I have ever tasted.
Even after I was completed decided on terminating things, it took me another two years before we were really done.  As to why I didn't leave sooner, well, I had my raisins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utww3/so_the_time_had_come_to_break_up_with_my/
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An Old Man is thrown out of a bar

A young man who was walking down the street says "Hey Old-Timer, what happened in there". The old man looks at him and says "Well son, I am Jesus Christ". "Jesus Christ?", the young man replied skeptically. "Yes my son, follow me", the old man said as he walked into the bar.
As he enters, the bartender turns around and says "Jesus Christ! not you again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utsef/an_old_man_is_thrown_out_of_a_bar/
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Parking a single car doesn’t require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utrz5/parking_a_single_car_doesnt_require_much_space/
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No matter how hard I try, I always seem to be going round in circles.

Having a broken arm while in a wheelchair isn’t ideal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utpej/no_matter_how_hard_i_try_i_always_seem_to_be/
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How many keys are there to my heart?

Less than three

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utob7/how_many_keys_are_there_to_my_heart/
%
A dog can't operate an MRI...

...but catscan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utnbp/a_dog_cant_operate_an_mri/
%
My son told me about a kidnapping at his school...

The teacher eventually woke the kid up for recess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utme1/my_son_told_me_about_a_kidnapping_at_his_school/
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A magician had this parrot

A cruise ship magician had this parrot. He hated this parrot because he always give away his tricks. Whenever he'd do a show you'd hear "it's up his sleeve BAWK", "it's a trick table BAWK", "they're fake cards BAWK" and anything else that drove the man insane. One day, the man gets so fed up with his parrot that he shoots at him. The magician misses and the bullet hits a gas tank, blowing the ship into a billion pieces. The only 2 survivors are the magician and the parrot. While they're floating on debris, the parrot says "alright, I give up, where the fuck is the ship?"
(Credits to the magnificent Ron White)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utjo8/a_magician_had_this_parrot/
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A pilot steps out of the cockpit and speaks to the cabin through the PA

"Ladies and gentlemen I need a huge favor from you. My wife just called me that her mother is on her way through security and needs a last minute seat to come with me to Atlanta for a last minute event. She flies for free with my buddy passes. I see some of you are still trying to find a seat. This flight is completely full, so if you could please store your bags, find those remaining empty middle seats and settle in and clear the aisle as quickly as possible, hopefully we can close the aircraft door and push back before my mother-in-law gets here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utiyb/a_pilot_steps_out_of_the_cockpit_and_speaks_to/
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So a dad is fed up with his son lying to him…

Dad: (brings home lie detector) so son, what did you do today?
Son: I went to school
(Beep)
Son: fine, I went to my friends house.
Dad: what did you do at your friends house?
Son: we watched a movie
Dad: what kind of movie?
Son: A Disney film
(Beep)
Son: Ok fine we watched an r rated movie
Dad: Holy crap, even I wasn't exposed to that kind of material when I was a kid
(Beep)
(Everyone looks at the dad)
Mom: Well, he's your son
(BEEP)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utifi/so_a_dad_is_fed_up_with_his_son_lying_to_him/
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What happens when a frogs car breaks down?

It gets toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utf8o/what_happens_when_a_frogs_car_breaks_down/
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Beautiful butt

A married man keeps telling his blonde wife "Honey, you have a beautiful butt". She asks her friends if she has a beautiful butt and they agree. Her husband's birthday is coming up so she decides to get a tattoo "Beautiful Butt" on her ass.
The tattoo artist tells her, "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I'll put BB on each cheek for beautiful butt". She agrees. On the husband's birthday she's standing on top of the stairs wearing a robe. When he gets home, she says, " Look honey." She opens the robe and bends over, and her husband yells, "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utf2s/beautiful_butt/
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Sherlock and Holmes go camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utemd/sherlock_and_holmes_go_camping/
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You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

..... hold on I'm working on it.
(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utdc1/you_guys_wanna_hear_a_construction_joke/
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At the end of the day...

It'll be 11:59PM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utd59/at_the_end_of_the_day/
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The Last Supper

The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.”
In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.”
Then Jesus took out a jar of mayonnaise. "This is my—" Jesus was suddenly interrupted by Judas. "Alright, Jesus. I'm going to have to stop you right there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6utc8u/the_last_supper/
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Why did the Nazi refuse to drink the fresh squeezed o.j.?

Because he prefers his juice concentrated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut9c6/why_did_the_nazi_refuse_to_drink_the_fresh/
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The two sisters and crotch hair.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut8f8/the_two_sisters_and_crotch_hair/
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Whats the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple doesn't come on your face till you're a teenager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut8bu/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_pimple/
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All of my friends say I'm condescending...

(That means I talk down to people.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut7gk/all_of_my_friends_say_im_condescending/
%
Why was God such a savvy businessman?

He knew how to make prophets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut7be/why_was_god_such_a_savvy_businessman/
%
The three travelers.

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night. He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters." The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig." The second man said ,"I slept like a cow." The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut634/the_three_travelers/
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"We don't serve colored people here."

"That's alright, I don't eat colored people.  Bring me a whole fried chicken."
RIP Dick Gregory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut61a/we_dont_serve_colored_people_here/
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Old people having sex.

There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut5q4/old_people_having_sex/
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Woman and the news paper( kinda short)

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut5ce/woman_and_the_news_paper_kinda_short/
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Reddit has become so liberal that...

I feel people will start saying it's the 'left decision' instead of the right one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut475/reddit_has_become_so_liberal_that/
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Jamaican eating pussy joke.

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut44z/jamaican_eating_pussy_joke/
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Caught having sex.

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut3h6/caught_having_sex/
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As Good As Her Sister

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut2ww/as_good_as_her_sister/
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Guaranteed weight loss program.

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut296/guaranteed_weight_loss_program/
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The two boys and the naked woman.

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut1jp/the_two_boys_and_the_naked_woman/
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One day Darth Vadar said to Luke Skywalker

I know what you got for your birthday.
Luke looked at him and said "how do you know that?"
Darth Vadar replied "I can feel your presents".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ut06b/one_day_darth_vadar_said_to_luke_skywalker/
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"Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year...

...if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit." – Sam Halpern

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uszsx/everybodys_broke_so_heres_the_rule_for_christmas/
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What's the difference between dead babies and pineapples?

I wouldn't dare put pineapple on my pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uszdt/whats_the_difference_between_dead_babies_and/
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My friend lives in North Korea

It must be pretty good over there, because he says he can't complain about anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6usz3o/my_friend_lives_in_north_korea/
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Bj at a young age.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6usz1e/bj_at_a_young_age/
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The Magic wand.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Alwyn passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Alwyn ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6usygh/the_magic_wand/
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I took the shell off my racing snail so that he would go faster

but now he is a little sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uswkh/i_took_the_shell_off_my_racing_snail_so_that_he/
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How do you know when a blonde's been at your computer?

There's white out on the screen.
Why white out?
'Cause the eraser didn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6usvxw/how_do_you_know_when_a_blondes_been_at_your/
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My new invention has made me rich!!!

exploding prayer mats, prophets are going through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ust0f/my_new_invention_has_made_me_rich/
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I'm thinking of starting a service to find out the heritage of West Virginia residents

I'll call it Incestry™

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ussx6/im_thinking_of_starting_a_service_to_find_out_the/
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People sometimes ask me when I realised I was gay...

I remember the moment clearly... I was talking to a friend, explaining some minor life problem that I wasn't sure what to do about, and so he sighed and said "fuck man"...
and I thought, "hey, that's not a bad idea actually..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uss35/people_sometimes_ask_me_when_i_realised_i_was_gay/
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What happens when William Shatner goes to the bathroom

He drops a captain's log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uss1y/what_happens_when_william_shatner_goes_to_the/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants.

The bartender looks up and says "Hey Pirate, you've a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!"
The pirate says "Argh, it's driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6usntx/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6usn56/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_9_letters_but_never/
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What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6usn03/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
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A man goes to see the pope.

"Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to ' Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
The pope is aghast! "I can't just go changing God's word for money!"
The man comes back the next day: "Fifty million! Now, think of all the good the church could do with all that money, Your Holiness!"
The pope in unimpressed: "Look, I told you. I just can't do it. I'm sorry."
The guy is back a week later: "Final offer- $500 million. Take it or leave it."
The next day, the pope calls all the leaders of the church together: "Boys, I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is we've raised $500 million dollars for Catholic Charities."
The room erupts! Everybody is so happy!
The pope waits for the room to settle down. Then- "And now for the bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uscy3/a_man_goes_to_see_the_pope/
%
TIL I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6us8ii/til_i_learned_that_humans_eat_more_bananas_than/
%
Scientists have invented a super sized pickle

It's a pretty big dill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6us6nh/scientists_have_invented_a_super_sized_pickle/
%
At a local college there was a dance. A guy from America asked a girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing he gives her a little squeeze and says, “In America we call this a hug.”
She says, “Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a hug too.”
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek and says, “In America we call this a kiss.”
She says, “Yaah, in Sweden we call it a kiss too.”
Later that evening after quite a few drinks, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to have sex with her and says, “In America we call this a grass sandwich.”
She says, “Yaaah, in Sweden we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6us3ed/at_a_local_college_there_was_a_dance_a_guy_from/
%
Sex is like singing

I only do it when Im alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6urusy/sex_is_like_singing/
%
I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren't even related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6urshv/i_couldnt_join_the_kkk_if_i_wanted_to_my/
%
A Fathers Last Request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6urqla/a_fathers_last_request/
%
Say, sailor...

Say, sailor, nice earrings! How much were they?
"$2"
Not bad for a buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6urpum/say_sailor/
%
My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last

He said, "Staring contest... GO."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6urnzq/my_dad_was_so_competitive_that_on_his_death_bed/
%
My great grandmother started giggling at the barbecue

When I asked her what's so funny, she said, "Everyone here is alive, because I got laid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6urntm/my_great_grandmother_started_giggling_at_the/
%
Reverse English

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.  "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.  In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
"However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
Boudreaux is sitting in the back of the class and says, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6urjs8/reverse_english/
%
A bus full of wives going on a picnic

fall into a river and all die.
The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.
When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably...
"My wife missed the bus!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6urey2/a_bus_full_of_wives_going_on_a_picnic/
%
I find I'm a lot alike the people here.

It must be he*reddit*ary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6urd6y/i_find_im_a_lot_alike_the_people_here/
%
When I was younger I would fuck anything that moved

Now that I'm older, I don't like to place those kinds of limitations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6urbzx/when_i_was_younger_i_would_fuck_anything_that/
%
There are two types of people in this world

Those who continually repost this joke, and those that have seen it a thousand times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6urbos/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Why did the police arrest the baseball player?

Because he allegedly murdered his wife and kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6urbdo/why_did_the_police_arrest_the_baseball_player/
%
Remember that time that the cow jumped over the moon?

That was a high steaks situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ura5o/remember_that_time_that_the_cow_jumped_over_the/
%
There once was a boy named Energy.

His parents were physicists and were probably high on something while naming him but they decided to name him Energy. When he was a young child, they noticed something a bit peculiar about him, he refused to climb on-top of something that was above the ground. When they tried to pick him up off the ground he threw a fit and wouldn't stop crying until they put him back down. They decided that he would just have to crawl everywhere. When he was older and learned to talk, he started expressing his fear of getting off the ground. When he first went to school, the Physical Education teacher tried to get him to run but he refused. He said that to run he would have to have both of his feet off the ground and would rather have steak attached to him and have hound released on him than to have both his feet off the ground. His teacher said he could walk the mile but he would be graded based on how fast people his fellow students ran. When he started the mile, he was able to keep up with his fellow classmates. The PE teacher thought that he was going as fast as he could and that he would run out of energy. When they came around for the final lap, he noticed that Energy was able to keep up with everybody else. Thus began a long career of fast walking. By the time he was in high school, he was able to walk a 6 minute mile. He always wanted to break the 5:30 second walking mile. He trained and he trained all while never allowing both his feet to leave the ground. By this point, his parents were getting very angry because they couldn't drive anywhere with him because he always wanted his feet on the ground. They were also worried about what would happen to his back because he had only been sleeping on the ground so he could stay in contact with the ground. They decided to get a therapist to help him. After going to therapy to help him get over his fear, he was finally ready to try and go off the ground. The therapist had him sit on his table with his feet on the ground. Then she told him to lift his feet off the ground. This was the first time since he was a baby that he had been able to take his feet off the ground. He was ecstatic and climbed onto the table and stood on it.
His therapist then told him "You have a lot of potential, Energy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ur8l0/there_once_was_a_boy_named_energy/
%
[NSFW] A farmer lies in bed next to his wife

He's feeling a bit horny so he grabs her breast, and says "You know, if this gave milk, we wouldn't need any cows."
He then grabs her butt and says "And if this laid any eggs, we wouldn't need any chickens."
She smiles, and grabs him by the crotch. She says "You know, if this would stay hard, we wouldn't need your brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ur79i/nsfw_a_farmer_lies_in_bed_next_to_his_wife/
%
The Farmer had an ill-tempered Donkey.

The donkey would refuse to plow the fields and would kick any anyone that came close to him. One unfortunate day, the donkey kicked the farmer's wife, who died from the blow. During the funeral, thousands of men showed up from all over the province. Feeling amused, a neighbor asked the farmer, "Thats a lot of men paying their respects. Was your wife popular back in the day?"
The farmer bursts out laughing and says, "No, they're here to buy the donkey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ur54z/the_farmer_had_an_illtempered_donkey/
%
Inches inches inches.

1 inch - Are you fucking kidding?
2 inch - I can't even hold it properly.
3 inch - Never been so unsatisfied in my life.
4 inch - I've had bigger.
5 inch - Good, but not enough!
6 inch - About right.
7 inch - Can't complain.
8 inch - Fucking perfect.
9 inch - A bit much.
10 inch - It's hurting my insides.
11 inch - I can't take it anymore.
12 inch - I'm absolutely fucking destroyed.
..
..
..
**Results of people reviewing different
Subway Sandwich sizes.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ur31g/inches_inches_inches/
%
Chinese doctor in the US

An Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100
A American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer :  "I have lost my sense of taste"
Chinese doctor :  "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"
Lawyer :  "Ugh..this is kerosene"
Chinese doctor :  "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20"
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Lawyer :  "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything"
Chinese doctor :  "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth"
Lawyer (annoyed) :  "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste"
Chinese doctor : "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20"
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer :  "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all "
Chinese doctor :  "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100"
Lawyer (staring at the bill) : "But this is $20, not $100"
Chinese doctor :  "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ur0wu/chinese_doctor_in_the_us/
%
I like to hold my breath whenever a character goes underwater in a movie. That way I know if I'd survive if I were that character.

I was rushed to the E.R after Finding Nemo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqy11/i_like_to_hold_my_breath_whenever_a_character/
%
I don't think condoms are 100% safe

My friend was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqxq5/i_dont_think_condoms_are_100_safe/
%
The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals

Mr President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqw4r/the_lapd_the_fbi_and_the_cia_are_all_trying_to/
%
Many people are shocked when they find out..

That I’m a horrible electrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqtoe/many_people_are_shocked_when_they_find_out/
%
Benjamin Netanyahu, the prime minister of Israel, Narendra Modi, the prime minister of India, and Donald Trump from America, are driving together to a conference...

...when their car breaks down and they are forced to spend the night at a small motel.
”I’m sorry,” says the clerk, ”but we have only one room left and it’s a double. But one of you can
sleep in the barn. We will make it comfortable.”
”No problem,” says Narendra Modi, ”I will sleep there.”
A short while later, the other two men are getting ready for bed, when there is a knock on the door.
Narendra Modi is standing in the hallway.
”I’m sorry,” he says, ”but I can’t sleep with a holy cow.”
”So, I will sleep in the barn,” says Benjamin Netanyahu and off he goes. A few minutes later, he is back.
”I’m sorry,” he says, ”but being Jewish, I can’t sleep with a pig.”
Donald Trump shrugs and says, ”I guess I will sleep in the barn.”
He leaves. Modi and Netanyahu are just getting into bed, when they hear a knock at the door. They
open it and standing there are the pig and the cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqt3s/benjamin_netanyahu_the_prime_minister_of_israel/
%
9 years ago

9 ears ago i asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today i asked her to marry me.
She said no both times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqt2k/9_years_ago/
%
I miss my umbilical cord

I grew attached to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqp3i/i_miss_my_umbilical_cord/
%
My absolute favorite:

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled.
We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blond replies...”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqmso/my_absolute_favorite/
%
Bad day

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swing.
Then the poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on, man. I'm just giving you a hard time," the biker says.
"I didn't think you'd CRY.  I can't stand to see a man cry."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs... "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the dang poison!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqmgq/bad_day/
%
This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript

Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed autopsy, did you check for pulse?”
Witness: “No”
Lawyer: “did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No”
Lawyer: “did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No”
Lawyer: “ so, then it is possible for the patient to be alive when you began the autopsy?”
Doctor: “no”
Lawyer: “how can you be so sure doctor ?”
Doctor: “because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar”
Lawyer: “but the patient could have been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqjlj/this_was_actually_said_in_court_and_taken_from_a/
%
There were three prisoners of war inside a German prison in the Second World War - a British man, a Japanese man, and an Italian man

Title fix - the British man turns into a German man, and it's a British prison, not a German prison (thanks u/Wezlington)
The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.
They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.
They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back.
When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"
"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqhyl/there_were_three_prisoners_of_war_inside_a_german/
%
The Rodeo

Two ranchers are sitting on a fence taking a break while their cattle eat when one looks at the other and says, "What's your favorite sex position?"
The other rancher looks at him and says, "I'm a pretty plain guy, missionary I guess.  What's yours?"
"Mine?  I like the rodeo," the first rancher responds.
"What's that?" asked the second rancher.
"Well, you get your woman from behind.  You reach around with each arm and grab a firm hold of each boob.  Then you lean in real close and whisper, 'These feel like your sister's' AND YOU HOLD ON!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqh4p/the_rodeo/
%
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqfet/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
Not sure which is the harder part about being vegan

The discipline and focus it takes to eat that way, or the time and energy it takes to tell everyone you're a vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqdvp/not_sure_which_is_the_harder_part_about_being/
%
How do parents punish their blind children for bad behaviour?

They rearange the furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqce4/how_do_parents_punish_their_blind_children_for/
%
√-1 2^3 ∑ π

...and it was delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uqbra/1_23_π/
%
Just found out oxygen and magnesium finally got together

I was like OMg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uq8ef/just_found_out_oxygen_and_magnesium_finally_got/
%
The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pope. The Pope informs them that he needs a day to pray about it.
The next day the Pope summons his advisors and has the room sealed.
"My sons, after much prayerful consideration I have an answer. These are troublesome times and as such, it is not a good time to be without a leader of the church for even a short while. I have decided that you shall arrange for this most unusual treatment to preserve my life, for the good of the church, but on three conditions."
"What are the conditions, Your Holiness?"
"First, the woman that you choose must be blind. For if she sees that she is with the pope, she may either get sense of self-importance as the only woman to ever bed a pope, or she may lose her faith in the sanctity of my station. She must be blind."
"It will be so, what about the next condition?"
"For the same reason, she must also be deaf. While I try to be a righteous man, I am a man and as such I may cry out in pleasure during the act. She must not know that she is with the pope, so she must be deaf."
"Very wise, it will be done. What is the third condition?"
"Big tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uq4us/the_pope_contracts_a_rare_terminal_illness/
%
A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.
“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.
“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uq35h/a_farm_worker_greets_joseph_stalin_at_his_potato/
%
What’s E.T. short for?

So he can fit in his spaceship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uq2ur/whats_et_short_for/
%
What does Sean Connery call a shrimp that won't share?

Shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uq0qp/what_does_sean_connery_call_a_shrimp_that_wont/
%
Doctor, Doctor

"Doctor, Doctor..I think I'm a pair of curtains!!"
"Shut up and fucking pull yourself together."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6upxjt/doctor_doctor/
%
What noise does a aeroplane make when it bounces?

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6upw5m/what_noise_does_a_aeroplane_make_when_it_bounces/
%
What should pianists take with them to the supermarket?

A Chopin Liszt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6upu4o/what_should_pianists_take_with_them_to_the/
%
What do you call masturbating on the battlefield?

Tug of War

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uptw8/what_do_you_call_masturbating_on_the_battlefield/
%
My grandfather developed cancer when he was younger.

Some say he’s the most evil scientist who ever lived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6upqkf/my_grandfather_developed_cancer_when_he_was/
%
For the people who think Jesus is coming back.

Come on, guys. He wasn't nailed to a fuckin boomerang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uppcs/for_the_people_who_think_jesus_is_coming_back/
%
What's the hardest part about fidget spinning?

Telling your parents you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6upjt8/whats_the_hardest_part_about_fidget_spinning/
%
There are two types of people:

Those who can extrapolate from an incomplete set of data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6upgye/there_are_two_types_of_people/
%
Lesson in Marriage

A son goes to tell his father that he is going to marry his girlfriend.
Son: "Hey dad, I decided I'm going to marrying Jessica"
Dad: "Oh wow that's great son, but first you have to say you're sorry"
The son is confused by this
Son: "Wait why do you need me to say that dad?"
Dad: "Just say it, it's not going to hurt you"
Son: "No, not until you tell me why I have to say sorry"
Dad: "It's just a simple sentence, just tell me that you are sorry"
Son: "Dad, just tell me why and I'll decided whether or not to apologize!"
Dad: "Cmon just say it already!"
Son: "Ok, ok I'm sorry! Are you happy now!"
Dad: "Good, if you are going to get married you need to be able to apologize for no reason at all"
(Sorry if this is not funny or has bad formatting. It's my first time posting)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6upgr4/lesson_in_marriage/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.

The bartender pours them for him. He then takes equal sips from each beer and proceeds to do so until all glasses are empty. He pays and leaves. He does this every day for a week before the bartender decides to ask what that's all about.
"Why do you come in and order three beers, and then take equal sips from them until they are empty?" Asks the bartender. The guy replies "well, I've got three brothers. We used to meet up every evening for a beer, but they had to move out of town. So we've decided that each of us will drink three beers every day, one for each of us."
The bartenders curiosity is sated. The guy continues to do this for about a month, until he comes in one day and orders only two beers.
"I'm sorry for your loss", says the bartender.
The guy is confused, and then says "oh no, nobody died. I just quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6upf5g/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_3_beers/
%
There are two types of people in this world.

Those who need closure,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6upa8y/deleted_by_user/
%
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6up739/it_takes_7_seconds_for_food_to_pass_from_mouth_to/
%
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6up5q2/what_did_the_blanket_say_as_it_fell_off_the_bed/
%
I told my doctor that I broke my arms in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6up4tk/i_told_my_doctor_that_i_broke_my_arms_in_two/
%
"What did the homeless man say to the breakdancer?"

"No jumping on the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6up38d/what_did_the_homeless_man_say_to_the_breakdancer/
%
Kid says Mommy! Mommy! I don't want to keep going I circles.

Mom says shut up or I will nail your other foot to the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6up125/kid_says_mommy_mommy_i_dont_want_to_keep_going_i/
%
Alien 1: The dominant life form on planet earth have developed satellite based nuclear weapons.

Alien 2: Are they an emerging intelligence?
Alien 1: I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uozs0/alien_1_the_dominant_life_form_on_planet_earth/
%
Penis vs vagina which is better.(kinda long)

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uozbz/penis_vs_vagina_which_is_betterkinda_long/
%
No one laughed at my joke about defecation

It was a shit joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uoz7h/no_one_laughed_at_my_joke_about_defecation/
%
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary and he shouted at him...

Boss - "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager - "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uoxph/the_boss_came_early_in_the_morning_one_day_and/
%
As an airplane is about to crash

A female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If i'm going to die, i want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, remove his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uowif/as_an_airplane_is_about_to_crash/
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A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uowgg/a_guy_takes_his_blonde_girlfriend_to_a_football/
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I was flirting with a girl at a party. My friend came over and whispered in my ear.

He said, "What's going on between you two tonight?"
I said, "A condom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uouw6/i_was_flirting_with_a_girl_at_a_party_my_friend/
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I could vaguely hear my neighbours arguing about reincarnation. I wanted to hear more.

So I killed myself and became a fly on the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uougn/i_could_vaguely_hear_my_neighbours_arguing_about/
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The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uotep/the_pope_and_trump_are_on_stage_in_front_of_a/
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On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.

He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground” said the instructor.
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uospa/on_the_first_day_of_training_for_parachute/
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat" suggested the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uorw9/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
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My sister turns 42 on Monday

Considering it's a weeknight and we have kids and all, I told her not to get her hopes up.
"As it is," I say, "we'll only celebrate it for less than a minute."
When she asked what the heck I was talking about, I reminded her: "This is your forty-second birthday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uoos7/my_sister_turns_42_on_monday/
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For a guy i think i have a nice butt,

Because evertime i walk away from a conversation i hear, "What an ass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uomgj/for_a_guy_i_think_i_have_a_nice_butt/
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Three builders are atop a large building at lunchtime... (Long)

The first builder opens his lunch box and says, "Cheese? Bloody cheese sandwiches again! If I have cheese sandwiches tomorrow I will throw myself off this building."
The second builder opens his lunch box and shouts, "Not ham sandwiches again! If I have ham sandwiches tomorrow I will throw myself off this building!"
The third builder opens up his lunch box and is just as furious as the other two, "Jam!" he yells, "Jam sandwiches again? If I have jam sandwiches tomorrow I will throw myself off this building!"
The next day the three builders open up their lunch boxes and, to the first's disgust, "I don't believe it. Cheese! That's it, I've had enough!" He throws himself off the top of the building and dies.
The second builder opens his lunch box and is met with ham sandwiches again. "I'm really fed up," he says, "I'm ending it all now!" and throws himself off the building and dies.
Finally, the third builder opens up his lunch box. "For God's sake! Jam again? Wait for me lads, I'm coming with you!" he then throws himself off the building and dies.
The three wives are at the three builders' funeral; they were good friends so they were buried together.
"I just wish he would have told me he didn't like cheese sandwiches and I would have made something else," said the first builder's wife.
"Same here," said the second builder's wife, "if only he had said something."
"I don't understand it," said the third wife, "he made his own sandwiches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uom0z/three_builders_are_atop_a_large_building_at/
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Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uojro/judge_why_did_you_steal_the_car/
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When does the moon cover the thun?

During a solar eclisp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uojhh/when_does_the_moon_cover_the_thun/
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I fucking hate how everyone is all behind this PC bullshit about different colours nowdays

Macs are normally the same colour and they sell just as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uoitj/i_fucking_hate_how_everyone_is_all_behind_this_pc/
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I was breastfed until 3

But enough about my day, how was yours?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uoir1/i_was_breastfed_until_3/
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A local radio station is having a contest: The first person to call in with a word the DJ has never heard of will win $1000.

So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says, "goan... G-O-A-N. Goan."
The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"
"Sure it is," argues the caller.
"Well, then use it in a sentence," says the DJ.
The caller replies, "Goan fuck yourself!"
The DJ quickly hangs up.
About 30 minutes and many calls later, no one has won the contest and the DJ answers yet another call.
When asked, the caller says, "smee...S-M-E-E. Smee."
The DJ shakes his head and says, "I don't think that's real word. Can you please use that in a sentence, caller?"
To which the caller responds, "Smee again...... Goan fuck yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uofz9/a_local_radio_station_is_having_a_contest_the/
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A husband and wife are asleep in bed.

They both awake from a dream and the wife looks and the husband and says.
"I just had the strangest dream, it was Christmas and we were all gathered around the tree. The tree though instead of branches was covered in dicks, thousands of them and on the top was the most magnificent cock I have ever seen"
The husband looks at the wife saying "I assume the dick on the top was mine?"
Wife "no, it was Tom Sellecks"
The husband looks at the wife and says "it's weird I just had a very similar dream, it was Christmas as well and we were surrounding the tree but this tree was covered in pussies, thousands of them. On top was the most beautiful and tightest pussy I've ever seen. "
The wife looks at the husband "and the pussy on the top was mine?"
Husband "No, yours was the one holding up the tree."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uoey5/a_husband_and_wife_are_asleep_in_bed/
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What is the difference between a hand grenade and a feminist ?

A hand grenade only gets triggered once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uod42/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hand_grenade_and/
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I am going to go down on you, make you feel reall good. Then I'll slowly come back up and fuck you.

Lots of love, Petrol prices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uo9lr/i_am_going_to_go_down_on_you_make_you_feel_reall/
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Report Card

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in class. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.
Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uo74s/report_card/
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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve

.....and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uo69h/a_man_in_scotland_calls_his_son_in_london_the_day/
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That wife of mine is a liar

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
"So?"
"So, she's a liar.  I spent the night with her sister Shirley."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uo5km/that_wife_of_mine_is_a_liar/
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At the spelling bee

Judge: Your word is "there."
Me: In a sentence please.
Judge: They're parking their car over there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uo49z/at_the_spelling_bee/
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What is green but turns red when you push the button

A frog in a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uo2ai/what_is_green_but_turns_red_when_you_push_the/
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It's good economics.

Benny Shapiro worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He used to tell his friends that he was the curator, although his primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Low and behold, an enormous Genie appeared before him.
"Master," the Genie began, "I am the Genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you: You must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever."
Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49% of the total Microsoft stock which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife, and low and behold, she was. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune and he instantly became a worldwide celebrity.
Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and more irritating, while the memory of the Genie's warning faded.
Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay there forever.
The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6unx67/its_good_economics/
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A Creationist and Atheist Debate

Creationist: If man evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Atheist: If Adam came from dirt, why is there still dirt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6unw1k/a_creationist_and_atheist_debate/
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I try to avoid the homeless horse down the street

I hear he's unstabled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6unulj/i_try_to_avoid_the_homeless_horse_down_the_street/
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A feminist asked me how I see lesbian relationships.

"In HD" was apparently the wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6untix/a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_see_lesbian/
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What do you call an alcoholic with an extensive belt collection?

My fucking father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6unqf4/what_do_you_call_an_alcoholic_with_an_extensive/
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A duck walks into a PC repair store...(long)

Just an ordinary day in life, without any sense for anything being unusual about its presence there, the duck waddles up to the counter, looks at the clerk and asks:
(duck) do you have breead?
(clerk) uh... No. This is a PC repair shop. We don't sell bread.
Dejected, the duck waddles back out.
The next day, the duck waddles back in, feet flopping in the way duck feet tend to comically do on hard floors, comes up to the counter, and asks:
(duck) do you have breead?
(clerk) no. We still don't sell bread. Didn't you listen at all yesterday? Now stop wasting my time, if you come here again asking for God damn bread, I'll nail your floppy feet to the floor. Get out!
Dejected, and a bit intimidated, the duck waddles out, its feet flopping rapidly across the floor.
The day after, guess what - the duck waddles back in. Timidly, it shuffles up to the counter, peeps warily over the counter, and asks:
(duck) hi. Do you have nails?
(clerk) uh...what? No, you creepy duck, we don't have nails.
(duck)...do you have breead??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6unoij/a_duck_walks_into_a_pc_repair_storelong/
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How did the cross-dresser rob the bank?

By making a Trans-action

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6unn8i/how_did_the_crossdresser_rob_the_bank/
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Where’s The Cheese

Paddy goes to the patent office, having invented a new mouse trap. It consists of a ramp with a razor blade at the top, set at right angles. Below the drop is a piece of cheese.
Patent officer: “How does it work then?”
Paddy: “Quite straightforward. The mouse walks up the ramp. When he leans over to get the cheese his neck goes onto the razor blade and it slits his throat”.
Patent officer: “Stupid git! There wouldn’t be nearly enough pressure to slit its throat. Get out of my office and don’t come back until you’ve perfected it.
After months of head scratching Paddy makes a single but vital modification: he removes the cheese. He proudly returns to the patent office and puts the trap on the desk.
Patent officer:OK, smart arse, enlighten me.
Paddy:Simple. Mouse walks up the ramp, leans over onto the razor blade and slits his throat…
Patent officer:Fuck off, that’s exactly the same as before.
Paddy: No, no. This time he moves his head from side to side saying where’s the fucking cheese ?
Job done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6unmwt/wheres_the_cheese/
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My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage

Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6unir0/my_wife_thinks_that_my_obsesion_with_youtube_is/
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My goldfish died.

And I only got to take him on one walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ungpr/my_goldfish_died/
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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6unfuq/a_bus_full_of_nuns_falls_of_a_cliff_and_they_all/
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How come there are no Walmart’s in Iraq?

Because there’s a Target at every corner!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6unfuj/how_come_there_are_no_walmarts_in_iraq/
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Why does a chicken coop have only 2 doors?

Because if it would have had 4 doors, it would be called a chicken sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6und9s/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_only_2_doors/
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What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uncg9/what_is_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeve/
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If flat-earthers really tried to find the edge of the world...

They'd still be going around in circles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6unati/if_flatearthers_really_tried_to_find_the_edge_of/
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What's Donald Trump's least favorite band?

Foreigner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6un7a4/whats_donald_trumps_least_favorite_band/
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I was in a long staring contest with the sun.

Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6un5n6/i_was_in_a_long_staring_contest_with_the_sun/
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My best friend got mad at me for sniffing his sisters panties

I'm not sure if it was because his family was around or the were still on her, but whatever it was, it really ruined the funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6un3pv/my_best_friend_got_mad_at_me_for_sniffing_his/
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My orgy last night was a big disappointment.

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6umzxx/my_orgy_last_night_was_a_big_disappointment/
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Two young children...

Nancy and Stevie were best friends at the age of 10.  They spent all their time together so they decided they were going to get married.
Stevie decided to tell Nancy's father, and her father asked, "That's great, but where are you going to live?"
Stevie thought for a second and said, "Well, she's got a lot of room here so we will probably live in her room".
Nancy's father thought that was cute, and decided to press on.  "Ok, but how are you going to support yourselves?"
And Stevie said, "Well, you know, between her allowance and mine we are pulling in about $75 a month.  We should be able to make it off of that."
Nancy's father said, "Well that's all very fine.  $75 a month should be plenty.  But what if you have kids?  How are you going to support them too?"
Stevie says "Well I mean we've been pretty lucky so far...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6umxs8/two_young_children/
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When I go grocery shopping, I choose the checkstand with the sexiest checker

Self-checkout every time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6umxs2/when_i_go_grocery_shopping_i_choose_the/
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Me: I know a person that thinks they're an owl.

Them: Who?
Me: Now I know two people[.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/6um75p/comment/dltqceq?st=J6ISAUQ2&sh=e167edb3)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6umxbz/me_i_know_a_person_that_thinks_theyre_an_owl/
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How many kind of boobs.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6umvj9/how_many_kind_of_boobs/
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What's a stoners favorite dessert?

Baked goods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6umvbl/whats_a_stoners_favorite_dessert/
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Mom where do babies come from.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6umtgw/mom_where_do_babies_come_from/
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Why did the grape cross the road?

No raisin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6umqiu/why_did_the_grape_cross_the_road/
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What Colour Confuses an Idiot?

Blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6umoht/what_colour_confuses_an_idiot/
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Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ummra/son_daddy_i_fell_in_love_and_want_to_date_this/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?

Because the 'P' is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6umd4y/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_urinate/
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If there was a reality show about flat-earthers trying to find the edge of the world

The ending would be a cliffhanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6umcg5/if_there_was_a_reality_show_about_flatearthers/
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So I was robbed last night...

So I was robbed last night. The guy pointed his knife at me and said “your money or your life”
I told him I was married, so I have no money and no life.
We hugged and cried, it was a beautiful moment 🤗

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6umau8/so_i_was_robbed_last_night/
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I just got a job as a postman.

Op delivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uma89/i_just_got_a_job_as_a_postman/
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I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like!

[Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6um91s/i_live_in_north_korea_and_im_ready_to_tell_the/
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I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming

Because marches would definitely solve the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6um7uv/i_dont_see_why_in_this_day_and_age_there_arent/
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I hate being bipolar

It's fantastic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ulu5z/i_hate_being_bipolar/
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Im goood att speling words.

Butt nott anny uther words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ulu4l/im_goood_att_speling_words/
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I was feeling pretty horny so I called up a cheap prostitute.

She told me her price was a dollar per inch.
I asked, "Do you accept quarters?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ults6/i_was_feeling_pretty_horny_so_i_called_up_a_cheap/
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Why did the airplane builder love his job?

Because every day was riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ulr4d/why_did_the_airplane_builder_love_his_job/
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They say one in ten men are homosexual

In my group of friends I'm pretty sure it's Marc. He's really cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ulr0k/they_say_one_in_ten_men_are_homosexual/
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What does a pulley like the best about its position?

It's the center of a tension.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ulkrm/what_does_a_pulley_like_the_best_about_its/
%
I crashed a party last night

I'm no longer a party-bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uljni/i_crashed_a_party_last_night/
%
They found a 106-year-old fruitcake in Antarctica

That's right. They found Elton John in Antarctica.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ulgbc/they_found_a_106yearold_fruitcake_in_antarctica/
%
A guy is walking down the street, and he sees a shop with a massive clock in the window.

So he walks in and says,
"Hey, my watch is broken, and I was wondering if you could fix it?"
The guy says "Oh, I'm sorry, this isn't actually a watchmakers. I'm actually a Mohel. I perform circumcisions."
"Then why do you have a clock in the window?"
"What the fuck do you want me to put in the window?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ulg4z/a_guy_is_walking_down_the_street_and_he_sees_a/
%
A person with three eyes, no arms and one leg is hitchhiking.

A British guy pulls over and says, "Aye! Aye! Aye! You look 'armless. Hop in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ulfz8/a_person_with_three_eyes_no_arms_and_one_leg_is/
%
Have you heard about the movie, the closeted gay

It hasn't come out yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ulf75/have_you_heard_about_the_movie_the_closeted_gay/
%
Why should you never make fun of a fat person with a lisp?

Because he's thick and tired of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ulf4s/why_should_you_never_make_fun_of_a_fat_person/
%
A man and his horse - long

A cowboy was riding along when he was captured by a particularly violent group of native Americans.  They dragged him over to their chief and upon looking at him the chief said, "I hearby sentence you to death in 3 days.  But you will get 3 final requests.  What is your first request?"
The cowboy looks at him nervously and says, "I want to talk to my horse."
The chief looks perplexed but responds, "So be it, bring him his horse."
They bring the cowboy his horse.  The cowboy walks up, whispers into the horses ear then slaps it on the rear and sends it into the desert.
About 30 minutes later the horse returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.  The cowboy looks at the woman, then back at the horse, then takes the woman into his prisoners hut to have his way with her.
The next night the chief again approaches him and says, "In two days you will be put to death.  You have two requests remaining.  What is your second request?"
The cowboy responds, "I want to talk to my horse."
The chief again looks perplexed but responds, "So be it, bring him his horse."
They again bring the cowboy his horse.  The cowboy walks up, whispers into the horses ear then slaps it on the rear sending it into the desert.
About 30 minutes later the horse returns with a beautiful brunette woman on his back.  The cowboy looks at the woman, then back at the horse for a long while, then takes the woman into his prisoners hut to have his way with her.
The final night the chief says, "Tomorrow you will be put to death.  Do you again want to talk to your horse?"
The cowboy responds, "Yes, I want to talk to my horse."
The chief nods, "Bring him his horse."
They again bring the cowboy his horse.  This time the cowboy angrily walks up, grabs the horse by it's ears and yells, "Posse!  I want you to bring my posse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ulejt/a_man_and_his_horse_long/
%
What's a Jew's biggest dilemma?

Free ham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ulbi8/whats_a_jews_biggest_dilemma/
%
a thirsty boy and his Dad

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ul9hk/a_thirsty_boy_and_his_dad/
%
My cousin recently had an operation to become a goose

He's transgander.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ul8pd/my_cousin_recently_had_an_operation_to_become_a/
%
What went wrong with Trump's Suicide Attempt

Fake Noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ul4kp/what_went_wrong_with_trumps_suicide_attempt/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is extremely heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ul2xv/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
What is a word that starts with W.

Correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uktm6/what_is_a_word_that_starts_with_w/
%
I'm thinking of moving to Switzerland

No particular reason, but the flag's a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ukrgv/im_thinking_of_moving_to_switzerland/
%
What do you get if you cross a frog with a rabbit?

A bunny ribbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ukq9r/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_frog_with_a_rabbit/
%
What’s the engineering term for a one night stand?

A nut and bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uklm3/whats_the_engineering_term_for_a_one_night_stand/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican fireman?

He named his first son Jose.
And the second one Hose B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ukije/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_fireman/
%
Why is success in the shaving industry so difficult?

Razor thin margins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ukg5h/why_is_success_in_the_shaving_industry_so/
%
"Dad, why is my sister called Rose?"

"Becausr your mother likes roses."
"Thanks dad"
"No problem Alex."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ukg4i/dad_why_is_my_sister_called_rose/
%
A couple of cosmonauts were heading to the moon when the unexpectedly turned around

Turns out the moon was full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ukerc/a_couple_of_cosmonauts_were_heading_to_the_moon/
%
Why did the pencil throw himself into the sharpener?

To make a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ukem0/why_did_the_pencil_throw_himself_into_the/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ukehd/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Whats Jesus' favorite band?

Nine Inch Nails

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ukcd2/whats_jesus_favorite_band/
%
What is the difference between North Korea and EA (Not repost)

North Kor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uk8lh/what_is_the_difference_between_north_korea_and_ea/
%
Don't worry about Steve Bannon

He'll be alt-right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uk7z0/dont_worry_about_steve_bannon/
%
When life gives you melons...

You know your dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uk4yr/when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
Did you know there's only 25 letters in the Braille alphabet?

They can't c.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uk02q/did_you_know_theres_only_25_letters_in_the/
%
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.

She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujzk5/a_woman_is_at_home_when_she_hears_someone/
%
Steve Bannon has been fired.

Well, I did Nazi that coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujtky/steve_bannon_has_been_fired/
%
Why don't ants ever get sick?

They have strong anty bodies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujtcl/why_dont_ants_ever_get_sick/
%
So if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it....

Is my wife still a cheating whore?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujryr/so_if_a_tree_falls_in_the_forest_and_nobody_is/
%
People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujrnz/people_keep_grouping_all_trump_supporters_with/
%
I was kicked out of the army when they caught me masturbating.

They said it was a dishonorable discharge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujqds/i_was_kicked_out_of_the_army_when_they_caught_me/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

With a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujo0f/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_cactus/
%
Why should you never trust an atom?

Because they make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujnl8/why_should_you_never_trust_an_atom/
%
Ten copycats were sitting in a boat. One jumped out. How many were left?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujmwr/ten_copycats_were_sitting_in_a_boat_one_jumped/
%
Woke up. There was a group of indians protesting outside my house

Must be all the pipe I am laying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujmu6/woke_up_there_was_a_group_of_indians_protesting/
%
Three ducks got arrested and had to go to court

The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says "Tell me your name and what you did wrong." The first duck says "my name is Quack, and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says "Ok, you go to jail for 3 days."
The second duck gets on the stand and the judge asks the same thing. The duck says "My name is Quack Quack, and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge sends him to jail for 3 days.
The third duck gets up on the stand and the judge says "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack?" The duck says "Nah, I'm Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujlzi/three_ducks_got_arrested_and_had_to_go_to_court/
%
Too many letters in the alphabet

A teacher was going over the alphabet with her students.  As they were counting the letters they kept getting 27 instead of 26.  After a few more times counting and getting the same result, she realized she needed to use the restroom.
She went to the restroom and then returned to the alphabet lesson.  Again she counted the letters and this time she got 26!
Turned out that she had two p.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujl4v/too_many_letters_in_the_alphabet/
%
My worthless brother just lives off the government...

I told him not to become mayor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujket/my_worthless_brother_just_lives_off_the_government/
%
What do you call a Russian cow covered in grass?

Moscow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujeru/what_do_you_call_a_russian_cow_covered_in_grass/
%
What did Moses use to cut the sea in half?

A sea saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujekr/what_did_moses_use_to_cut_the_sea_in_half/
%
Crappy Math Joke: Did you know the abacus...

..is the first example of anal retentive beads?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujcku/crappy_math_joke_did_you_know_the_abacus/
%
(cheesy pickup line) How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ujcdf/cheesy_pickup_line_how_much_does_a_polar_bear/
%
Jesus Christ walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender "I'll just have a glass of water."
The bartender replies "Jesus, I am not falling for this again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uj60j/jesus_christ_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do you get gum out of your hair?

Cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uj5zn/how_do_you_get_gum_out_of_your_hair/
%
An old couple celebrate their 50th anniversary at a restaurant...

...that they used to regularly go on dates to. It was a particularly fancy establishment and a few drinks into their visit, the elderly husband stood from his seat, looks around and asks his wife, "Do you think we should go behind this place and relive our first time here, like against the fences?"
With a smile and a nod, the wife agrees and they venture outside and into the alley around the restaurant. Not long afterward, a bike patrol cop rolls past the alleyway and hears the most intense love-making session known to man, the couples' shouts echoing into the street. He flashed his headlights onto the couple just after they had finished and with a puzzled look, he asked "What are you two doing? I don't think I've ever seen a couple go at it with such passion and intensity in all my years."
The old man, pulling his pants up and buckling his belt, replied, "Yeah, well fifty years ago this place didn't have electrified fences here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uj1gy/an_old_couple_celebrate_their_50th_anniversary_at/
%
I noticed a car following me on my drive home

I don't know why they thought they'd get away with it, the flashing lights made it really obvious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uiwju/i_noticed_a_car_following_me_on_my_drive_home/
%
What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uivdw/whats_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
%
What does weed and the Quran have in common?

If you burn either one, you'll get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uiukh/what_does_weed_and_the_quran_have_in_common/
%
Doc: i have good news and bad news

Patient: bad news first
Doc: you have Alzheimer's
Patient: bad news first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uis8s/doc_i_have_good_news_and_bad_news/
%
Parked my car in Mexico City last night. Came out in the morning to find a gang of kids had come and stolen all the parts off it.

Jesus took the wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uirf4/parked_my_car_in_mexico_city_last_night_came_out/
%
I walked in on my roommate masturbating

and then I came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uiqaa/i_walked_in_on_my_roommate_masturbating/
%
What's between an 80 year old woman's breasts that's not between a 20 year old woman's breasts?

A belly button

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uiq57/whats_between_an_80_year_old_womans_breasts_thats/
%
What's brown and sticky?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uiirm/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
How come when a woman sleeps with tons of guys she's a slut, but when a man sleeps with tons of women

,it's never me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uig8o/how_come_when_a_woman_sleeps_with_tons_of_guys/
%
In Soviet Union we had old joke about Stalin

But you would die laughing if you heard it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uiezx/in_soviet_union_we_had_old_joke_about_stalin/
%
Comas can change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:
"Donald is in a hurry."
"Donald is in a coma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uib3e/comas_can_change_the_meaning_of_a_sentence/
%
A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning.

After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him.
He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don’t know, son."
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"
Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ui9ba/a_young_boy_and_his_dad_went_out_fishing_one_fine/
%
I run a mail order bride service based out of Prague.

I had a customer call and complain the other day about his order not arriving. It was alright though, I just reassured him that his Czech was in the mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ui8su/i_run_a_mail_order_bride_service_based_out_of/
%
How do you circumsize a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ui6w8/how_do_you_circumsize_a_redneck/
%
How did they find out Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her Head & Shoulders in the front seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ui68v/how_did_they_find_out_princess_diana_had_dandruff/
%
Tractor fan

I once had a friend called Sam. When we were young, Sam had an obsession with tractors. He loved them. He had toy tractors, tractor bedsheets, tractor memorabilia - anything to do with tractors fascinated him.
For his 12th birthday, his mother decided to take him to a tractor convention and Sam wanted me along for the ride. We drove four hours to get there, and upon our arrival Sam was smitten by a new model on display. He approached the owner and asked politely if he could access the tractor and look around inside it.
The owner refused. Sam asked again, to no avail.
Heartbroken, Sam demanded we leave. The long four hour drive back was in silence. As we entered his bedroom back home, he began tearing down all his posters, binned his bedsheets, threw out his memorabilia. He never spoke of tractors again - except once, several years later.
We were walking together to a bar, when Sam noticed a house on fire, screams emanating from it. He quickly ran at the house, and simply sucked all the fire and smoke out, saving the inhabitants.
I was shocked, and when I replied with how he could have performed such an action, he shrugged and said:
'I'm an ex-tractor fan'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ui2z0/tractor_fan/
%
Why do Europeans never win the most gold in water sports?

All their best divers are playing football.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ui2sx/why_do_europeans_never_win_the_most_gold_in_water/
%
What is it called when you drop a carton of eggs and break all of them?

An eggistential crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ui2na/what_is_it_called_when_you_drop_a_carton_of_eggs/
%
Out to Sea

So there were these two Irish guys who decided they should go to the bar.  The bar was right across the river but the nearest bridge was a few miles down the road.  They agreed that they could just take a rowboat across and save time.
About the time they are crossing the river, a storm comes and blows them out to sea and in the choppy waves they lose both oars but are unharmed.
For 2 days they're stranded at sea, hungry and thirsty when they see something floating on the surface of the water coming toward them.
Wouldn't ya know it, it was a magic lamp.
So a genie pops out and says they can only have one wish between them.
While the one Irishman is thinking about what the best wish would be, the other blurts out immediately, "I wish the whole ocean was made of beer!"  The genie quickly made it so and disappeared into the lamp leaving the two men still stranded.
As the eager Irishman begins cupping beer into his hands and drinking it, the thoughtful Irishman smacked the other on the head and says, "You idiot!
Now we have to piss in the boat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ui0sp/out_to_sea/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders six Jägermeister shots

The bartender asks him if it's a special occasion?
The guy answers "Yes, my very first blowjob".
The bartender gets excited and says "Congratulations, I'll give you the seventh shot on the house".
The guy answers "Nah, if six Jäger shots isn't enough to get rid of the taste, the seventh wont make much of a difference".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhvgl/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_six/
%
Two men were going around the park.

One of them dug holes into the ground, then the other would fill them in, they did this for hours, went to a break for lunch, then, as they were about to get back at it, a boy walked up to them and asked why they were doing this.
One of them told the boy "We're planting trees."
"But you don't actually plant trees in the holes" the boy said.
"Oh, that's true! I dig holes, Steve plants a tree, and Bill fills them in." said one of them.
The other then replied "Yeah, but Steve called in sick today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhtpr/two_men_were_going_around_the_park/
%
I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhthg/i_just_spent_500_on_a_fortune_teller_and_all_she/
%
How do you split a Rome in half?

Use a pair of caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhtgw/how_do_you_split_a_rome_in_half/
%
A Chinese man stumbles home late one night really drunk...

Seeing his wife at the top of the stairs he says "hey baby how about a little number 69!"
The wife replies, "you drunk sonofabitch, make your own Mongolian Beef Stew!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhrv3/a_chinese_man_stumbles_home_late_one_night_really/
%
Black people making fun of Confederates for losing the war...

Like they were doing any better at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhrhi/black_people_making_fun_of_confederates_for/
%
My grandmother is pushing ninety. She's so strong, bless her.

It's just annoying that the bus had to break down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhp61/my_grandmother_is_pushing_ninety_shes_so_strong/
%
A teacher walks into a classroom...

She gets up to the chalkboard and tells the kids to shut up and they will be learning a new word today. "The word is definitely, now may I hear it used correctly in a sentence?"
A little boy raises his hand. "Yes bobby?"
"The sky is definitely blue!" The boy says.
"No, that is wrong, the sky can be blue, reddish, and cloudy so it's not definitely blue."
A little girl raises her hand. "Yes Cindy?"
"Water is definitely clear!" The girl says.
"Wrong again, water can be green, or brown so it's not definitely clear."
A little boy in the back slowly raises his hand. "Yes Alex?"
"Teacher, do farts have lumps?"
The teacher puzzles replies, "No I don't think so, why?"
"Then I definitely just shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhod8/a_teacher_walks_into_a_classroom/
%
A man is watching a movie at a movie theater.

Suddenly, he has a tremendous urge to pass gas and wants to do it silently. Fortunately, there is a scene on the screen with a freight train going by, and he lets out a big one. After he does his business and the train passes, the guy next to him turns to him and asks,
"Excuse me sir, but do you suppose the last two cars were carrying shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhnk0/a_man_is_watching_a_movie_at_a_movie_theater/
%
science vs. religion

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhn6x/science_vs_religion/
%
Give a communist a fish?

Feed them for a day
Teach a communist to fish
Now government has more fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhki2/give_a_communist_a_fish/
%
Annoying Youtubers are like flies

They bother you for too long, you SWAT them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhkab/annoying_youtubers_are_like_flies/
%
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, red?

Half a zebra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhjwg/what_goes_black_white_black_white_black_white_red/
%
Where is the line between romance and perversion?

Romance is stroking a woman tenderly with a feather.
Perversion is when that feather is still attached to the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhg6f/where_is_the_line_between_romance_and_perversion/
%
Little Johnny walks past a house with a red lamp...

Little Johnny walks past a house with a red lamp in the window and asks his father about it.
- Dad why does the house next door have a red lamp on in the middle of the day?
- It's a pleasure house son, people go there to buy pleasure.
The next day little Johnny decides to take this weeks allowance and buy some pleasure. The madame is a bit puzzled over the boys request since he was way to young. After a while she decided to give him a plate of peanut butter sandwiches and hope he will be happy with that.
When little Johnny comes home his parents asks were he had been.
- I have been to the pleasure house with the red lamp.
Worried the parents ask how it was.
- Well the first two I could handle so I decided to just lick the rest.
Note: Not mine originally but haven't seen it here yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhf4p/little_johnny_walks_past_a_house_with_a_red_lamp/
%
I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies.

He started charging in advance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhedf/i_told_my_psychologist_that_i_have_suicidal/
%
Just finished a book about the Stockholm Syndrome

I did not like it to start with but ended up really liking it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uhdvt/just_finished_a_book_about_the_stockholm_syndrome/
%
Which is the smallest video sharing website?

μtube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uh8bf/which_is_the_smallest_video_sharing_website/
%
I have an unemployed joke

Too bad it doesn't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uh6v5/i_have_an_unemployed_joke/
%
I don't know how to tell you this

Doctor:  I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.
Patient: Really doctor, why?
Doctor: So I can examine you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uh6gz/i_dont_know_how_to_tell_you_this/
%
Little Johnny's teacher asks

"George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uh6ei/little_johnnys_teacher_asks/
%
An italian is picking up chicks at the bar

While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes loudly.
Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?”
After a slight pause, she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first, and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
She says “No, American.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uh60a/an_italian_is_picking_up_chicks_at_the_bar/
%
What's the difference between EA and North Korea?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uh5vw/whats_the_difference_between_ea_and_north_korea/
%
Bubba dies in a fire and his body is badly burned

The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thinks this is strange.  Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician.
"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uh4sk/bubba_dies_in_a_fire_and_his_body_is_badly_burned/
%
What's yellow and goes "cheep cheep"?

A Chinese prostitute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uh13z/whats_yellow_and_goes_cheep_cheep/
%
Obama and Putin die and go to hell.

As former world leaders, they were being given a tour of hell.  While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call his daughter and talks to her for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Obama gets his turn and talks to his wife and daughters for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
Confused, Putin asks the devil why Obama got to call USA so cheaply.  The devil smiled and replied: " Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ugvrj/obama_and_putin_die_and_go_to_hell/
%
I was at the swimming centre with my son. I said, "Use your legs, come on. Keep kicking. Your arms are doing all the work."

His chocolate bar got stuck in the vending machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ugtl9/i_was_at_the_swimming_centre_with_my_son_i_said/
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I woke up this morning next to a woman whose name I don't even know.

I guess that's what it's like when you're in a hospital ward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ugrzf/i_woke_up_this_morning_next_to_a_woman_whose_name/
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A mushroom walks into a bar...

The bartender says: "We don't serve your kind here"
The mushroom responds: "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ugju1/a_mushroom_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a singing computer?

A Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ugjiz/what_do_you_call_a_singing_computer/
%
Why did Campbell's CEO Denise Morrison leave Trump's Business Council?

She didn't want to become known as The Soup Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ugdrx/why_did_campbells_ceo_denise_morrison_leave/
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A friend went for Thai massage in Bangkok recently.

He requested for two masseurs, one for him and another for his wife.
After massaging the man for a long time, the Thai massuer said, "Massage pinis". He kept ghastly quiet pretending not to have heard it.
Again, the massuer repeated herself, "Massage pinis". Again he kept quiet, turned his face away from wife and gave a cheeky smile.
Then the wife shouted across, "How many times do you need her to repeat? She said massage has finished!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ugdm0/a_friend_went_for_thai_massage_in_bangkok_recently/
%
I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet

So far I've got eight fridges

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ugd9l/im_very_pleased_with_my_new_fridge_magnet/
%
What's an executioner's favorite vegetable?

Decapotatoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ugbvc/whats_an_executioners_favorite_vegetable/
%
A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "we don't serve beers to bears at the Bear Lake Bar. " The bear says "If you don't give me a beer, I'm going to eat that guy over there."

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "we don't serve beers to bears at the Bear Lake Bar. "      The bear says "If you don't give me a beer, I'm going to eat that guy over there."   The bartender says "we don't serve beers to bears at the Bear Lake Bar. "
The bear goes over to the the guy at the bar and eats him. He comes back to the bartender and says " give me a beer."  The bartender says "we don't serve beers to bears at the Bear Lake Bar. "   The bear says "if your not going to give me a beer, I'm going to eat that woman over there. "  The bartender says "we don't serve beers to bears at the Bear Lake Bar. "
The bear walks over and eats the woman in two bites. "Now give me a beer!"  The bear growls.
The bartender says "we don't serve beers to bears at the Bear Lake Bar, and we don't serve drug addicts."
The bear says "Drugs?  All I wanted was a beer."
The bartender tells him "Well that was a bar-bitch-u-ate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ugaag/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer_the/
%
Why do averages never get along?

Because one of them is always mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ug9u9/why_do_averages_never_get_along/
%
Two guys walk into a bar

They walk up to the robot bartender and the first guy says "I'll have an h2o." The second guy says "I'll have an h2o too!" The robot bartender then murders them both because Elon Musk was right about AI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ug7k1/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a midget that works at a casino?

A small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ug6w7/what_do_you_call_a_midget_that_works_at_a_casino/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9.
Why did 7 eat 9?
Because you need 3 squared meals a day.
The police arrested 3 as well as 7, why?
Because 3 was the root of the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ug65f/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
What do you give a woman who has everything?

Penicillin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ug5zq/what_do_you_give_a_woman_who_has_everything/
%
At a job interview, I sat down at at the table and in front of me was a pitcher of water and an empty cup. I poured too much and the cup started to overflow.

"Nervous?" The interviewer asked me.
"No," I responded, "I always give 110%"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ug52x/at_a_job_interview_i_sat_down_at_at_the_table_and/
%
Have you heard of the new sex position called the "Comcast"?

You stay in for the entire day but nobody comes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ug4nd/have_you_heard_of_the_new_sex_position_called_the/
%
France and Italy go to war. Who wins?

France.
France surrenders, but Italy switches sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ug3yt/france_and_italy_go_to_war_who_wins/
%
You know the drill...

...it makes holes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ug1wp/you_know_the_drill/
%
People from Boston are called Bostonians. People from Philadelphia are called Philadelphians. What are people from New York called?

Assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ug1sz/people_from_boston_are_called_bostonians_people/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

He sees a jar of money on the bar. He asks the man sitting next to him, "What's the jar of money for?"
The man replies, "It's for the contest".
"What's the contest?"
"I can't tell you until you put $50 in the jar to enter". The man dismisses him, losing interest. He drinks a few beers, eyeing the jar the entire time. After the third beer he decides to enter and puts $50 in the jar.
"Okay," he says, "so what's the contest?"
The other man at the bar responds, saying, "The contest has three parts. The first part is you need to drink an entire of bottle of tequila." The man nods. "The second part is that we have a pitbull in the back with a bad tooth and you need to pull it." The man looks at the jar and nods again. "The third part os that there is a 90 year old woman that lives upatairs and she has never made love. You need to make love to her."
The man agrees and says, "Okay, I'm in."
He starts by ordering and chugging an entire bottle of tequila. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he doesn't make a face. He stammers drunkedly, "Okay, show me the dog."
They open the door to the back yard and shut it behind him. The group of men listening here all kinds of horrific noises, from barking to yelling to yelping and snarling.
The man returns, clothes torn, bloody, and with bite marks littering his body. "Okay," he says. "Now show me the lady with the bad tooth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ufx9u/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How much pussy did Bill Clinton get in the White House?

A clit-ton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ufw4s/how_much_pussy_did_bill_clinton_get_in_the_white/
%
[nsfw] I just bumped into your mum and she was counting some money...

... I asked her what the money was for. She said she had just finished whoring for the night and made $80.05. I asked "5 cents!? Who pays 5c!?" and she said "all of them".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ufr4v/nsfw_i_just_bumped_into_your_mum_and_she_was/
%
What do you call a Deer with no eyes?

No eye dear.
What do you call a Deer with no legs and no eyes?
Still no eye Dear.
What do you call a Deer with no legs, no eyes, and no dick?
Still no fucking eye Dear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ufno6/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
My work has John Wayne toilet paper.

It's rough, tough, and don't take no shit off of no one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uflaw/my_work_has_john_wayne_toilet_paper/
%
Fire somebody

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
I approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”
"Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like shit. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime."
......
I had to let Jack go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ufh8c/fire_somebody/
%
I can't bring myself to steal someone else's drink.

It's just not my cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ufh6s/i_cant_bring_myself_to_steal_someone_elses_drink/
%
What's the most remarkable invention?

A whiteboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ufc3p/whats_the_most_remarkable_invention/
%
How does a zombie see his future?

He uses his horrorscope!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ufby5/how_does_a_zombie_see_his_future/
%
A new word for boob sweat

Humidititties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uf8g3/a_new_word_for_boob_sweat/
%
At a lavish party the host calls for silence as he makes an announcement..

He says;
"To the first person who can swim from one end of my swimming pool to the other I will duly award them the sum of one million dollars but there's a twist! As you can see there's also three huge alligators and...
Before he could finish his sentence there's a huge splash and commotion at one end of the pool. A man can be seen frantically swimming for his life towards the other end.
He makes it luckily without being eaten. The host congratulates him and asks him what he will do with the money.
The guy says "I don't care about the money, I just want the name of the fucker who pushed me in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uf5fq/at_a_lavish_party_the_host_calls_for_silence_as/
%
You should try...

Dad: I cut my finger
Me: you should put some tryactin on that
Dad: what's tryactin?
Me: try acting like a man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uf5dc/you_should_try/
%
What did the cemetery worker say when he realized he buried a body in the wrong place?

I've made a grave mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uf2s4/what_did_the_cemetery_worker_say_when_he_realized/
%
You know, the most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies...

Theyre always so twisted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uf2f1/you_know_the_most_corrupt_ceos_are_those_of_the/
%
Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and it's on our land!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uf20j/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
%
Two flies are sitting on a turd...

...one of them farts and the other says "Eeew! Not while we're eating our dinner dude."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uf1mr/two_flies_are_sitting_on_a_turd/
%
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, its terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uf16x/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_yesterday/
%
What do you get when you cross a centipede and a parrot?

A walkie talkie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uf10o/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_centipede_and_a/
%
Why does Santa have such a huge sack?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uezia/why_does_santa_have_such_a_huge_sack/
%
Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes?

Because he uses only the highest quality ingredients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uez5m/why_does_michael_j_fox_make_the_best_milkshakes/
%
What did the police officer say to the black insomniac?

Stop resisting a rest!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ueyb7/what_did_the_police_officer_say_to_the_black/
%
Wife: its says that a bull can have sex up to 2000 times a year! Why can't you?

Husband: ask the bull if he fucks the same cow every night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uexxx/wife_its_says_that_a_bull_can_have_sex_up_to_2000/
%
A man who thinks he is invisible decides to get help. He walks into a psychiatrists office and tells the receptionist he would like to speak to a doctor, but has no insurance.

The receptionist looks up at him and says, "I'm sorry, the doctor can't see you right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uewl9/a_man_who_thinks_he_is_invisible_decides_to_get/
%
Knock Knock..

Who's there?
One up
One up who?
Then go to the toilet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uesqs/knock_knock/
%
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uer78/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
%
What do you feed a gay horse?

Hayyyy!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uelz3/what_do_you_feed_a_gay_horse/
%
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination?

HAND-EYYYEEEEEEIIIIIEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uej7g/what_is_whitney_houstons_favorite_kind_of/
%
An unidentified man was seen placing his penis through a hole in the park fence

The police say they are looking into an anonymous tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ueh5w/an_unidentified_man_was_seen_placing_his_penis/
%
I found out that sponges grow in the sea today.

It kills me, just think how deep it would be if they didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ueg9c/i_found_out_that_sponges_grow_in_the_sea_today/
%
How do you peel a banana?

1. Get banana sunburned. Banana will soon begin to peel.
2. Scare banana. Grab skin when it jumps out of it.
3. Hypnotize banana. Tell banana it is a snake. Banana will shed skin.
4. Call banana yellow. Banana will want to fight. Will remove jacket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uefo4/how_do_you_peel_a_banana/
%
Know your eclipses.

Earth between sun and moon: Lunar eclipse.
Moon between sun and Earth: Solar eclipse.
Sun between moon and Earth: Apoceclypse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ueb5k/know_your_eclipses/
%
In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ue941/in_ussr_we_had_this_joke/
%
National slants on the penis

Unlikely as it sounds, an American, a North Korean, a Frenchman, and a Kiwi were all having a drink near the DMZ.  And drunken conversation got to the topic of the knob on the end of the penis.
The American said “the knob is on the penis to aid penetration of the female parts”.
The North Korean says “the helmet on the penis is to honour our glorious leader when we stand at attention”.
The Frenchman says “the glans on the penis is there to better pleasure the woman”.
And the Kiwi says “the knob is on the end to stop your hand from slipping off when you wank".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ue7vx/national_slants_on_the_penis/
%
Did you hear about the vampire whose son was slain?

He was undad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ue77i/did_you_hear_about_the_vampire_whose_son_was_slain/
%
What's a communist's favorite video game?

Dont starve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ue4hr/whats_a_communists_favorite_video_game/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common

Its a shame they're never gonna meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ue48i/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
If you're going to file a lawsuit against the Federal Reserve what medicine should you take?

Sudafed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6udyhc/if_youre_going_to_file_a_lawsuit_against_the/
%
A guy walks into a store

He sees three brains on display.
One is a Libertarian Brain, priced at $250.
The second is a Republican Brain, priced at $275.
The third is a Democrat Brain, priced at $5,000,000.
The Guy asks the sales clerk,”Man, why does the Democrat brain cost so much more than the other two?” Clerk replies,”Well, sir, that brain has never been used.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6udxq4/a_guy_walks_into_a_store/
%
My father always complained about his firing from Lay's after being caught stealing produce.

He always did have a huge chip on his shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6udxfc/my_father_always_complained_about_his_firing_from/
%
A hammer is introduced to the members of a new toolbox,

The Hammer sees his old friend and the Wrench giving the tour says:
You know the drill but do you know the screwdriver?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6udwzs/a_hammer_is_introduced_to_the_members_of_a_new/
%
Did you hear about the guy who was raped by a poltergeist?

He never saw it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6udvwa/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_was_raped_by_a/
%
What's colored and looks good hanging from a tree...

Christmas ornaments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6udtvm/whats_colored_and_looks_good_hanging_from_a_tree/
%
Why did the libertarian cross the road?

None of your damn business, am I being detained?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uds3c/why_did_the_libertarian_cross_the_road/
%
I keep making racist jokes about my dad and his Thai bride. He finds it very annoying…

..and so does my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6udhc0/i_keep_making_racist_jokes_about_my_dad_and_his/
%
How many skinheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

10; 1 to do it and 9 to back him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6udfoe/how_many_skinheads_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A man walks into a clock shop and puts his dick on the counter

The female cashier exclaims, "This is a clock shop, not a cock shop."
"Well", the man replies, "just put two hands and a face on it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6udejy/a_man_walks_into_a_clock_shop_and_puts_his_dick/
%
So I was visiting my elderly neighbor the other day and he told me something:

He said "Your generation is too dependant on technology."
I replied with "No your generation is." Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6udea6/so_i_was_visiting_my_elderly_neighbor_the_other/
%
I was playing golf with a friend. I played my tee shot with my erect penis and he asked me why I did it.

I said, "I want to improve my sex drive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6udcwj/i_was_playing_golf_with_a_friend_i_played_my_tee/
%
A guy with a Ferrari

drives his car a bit over the limit. Suddenly he gets pulled over by a policewoman. Knowing he was in trouble, he asks:
"How much?"
The policewoman replies:
"That's gonna be 95 dollars"
To which the man replies:
"Sounds good, get in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ud6e9/a_guy_with_a_ferrari/
%
If my grandmother could see me right now, she would be so proud.

She's blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ud5uo/if_my_grandmother_could_see_me_right_now_she/
%
I was going to make a Mexican joke but...

I don't want to cross the borders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ud5ih/i_was_going_to_make_a_mexican_joke_but/
%
Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"
The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"
The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"
The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ud3ef/three_blondes_are_walking_through_the_forest_when/
%
My German friend, Sepp, was leaving to go home.

I said, "Goodbye Sepp."
He said, "Thanks. I've been working out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ud1hj/my_german_friend_sepp_was_leaving_to_go_home/
%
Say no to drugs!

Or say yes to drugs. If you're talking to drugs, it's already too late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ud11g/say_no_to_drugs/
%
People hate change.

That's why they both want to abolish or keep the penny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uczu2/people_hate_change/
%
My dad passed away a few months ago, today would've been his 61 birthday. Blame him for my sense of humor.

My sister messaged me. "How are you doing?"
I Responded. "My elbow hurts and I have a cold sore on my tongue."
"Two lessons learned, don't fight a hooker and don't kiss one."
Super deflect..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ucztx/my_dad_passed_away_a_few_months_ago_today_wouldve/
%
Have you ever tried to eat a clock ?

It's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ucstw/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
%
A german stands in the passcontrol in an airport in Paris

Passport officer: Occupation?
German: No, no, only vacation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ucnl5/a_german_stands_in_the_passcontrol_in_an_airport/
%
What do you you call a film about an illegal immigrant fighting a child molester?

Alien vs. Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ucmzw/what_do_you_you_call_a_film_about_an_illegal/
%
I should write small jokes on a handful of coins

I will call them "cents of humor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ucmwh/i_should_write_small_jokes_on_a_handful_of_coins/
%
I wish grass was emo...

...then it would cut itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uclsu/i_wish_grass_was_emo/
%
There are several types of vests designed to protect a person...

There's Life Vests - designed to protect a person from drowning.
There's Bullet Proof Vests - designed to protect a person from bullets.
There's High Visibility Safety Vests - designed to protect a person from getting hit while near traffic.
There's Leather Vests - designed to protect a person from road rash when laying down their motorcycle.
And there's Sweater Vests - designed to protect a person from women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uciyx/there_are_several_types_of_vests_designed_to/
%
How do you do a system reset on your country?

Hit Ctrl-Alt-Right-Delete

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uciee/how_do_you_do_a_system_reset_on_your_country/
%
Why don't University of Wisconsin football players ever date University of Minnesota cheerleaders?

Ever seen what a badger does to a gopher hole?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ucgsq/why_dont_university_of_wisconsin_football_players/
%
What do Disneyland and Viagra have in common?

A two hour wait for a two minute ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uc5qe/what_do_disneyland_and_viagra_have_in_common/
%
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan dude

He was standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uc3nt/i_was_walking_down_the_road_when_i_saw_an_afghan/
%
How did the T-Rex feel the day after working out?

Dino-sore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uc2oc/how_did_the_trex_feel_the_day_after_working_out/
%
I went to the Doctor and he said that I was paranoid

He didn't actually say that but I knew what he was thinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uc1y7/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_said_that_i_was/
%
So I saw my ex-wife with her new lover and decided to wind him up so I shouted over “How’s the second-hand pussy?”

Quick as a flash that bastard replied “Great! After the first three inches, it’s like brand new.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uc0he/so_i_saw_my_exwife_with_her_new_lover_and_decided/
%
A chef lost one of his legs in a kitchen accident...

... now all he cooks is Lean Cuisine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ubypj/a_chef_lost_one_of_his_legs_in_a_kitchen_accident/
%
What do you call a dwarf who regularly rides the Paris Metro?

A Metrognome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ubvqj/what_do_you_call_a_dwarf_who_regularly_rides_the/
%
What's worse than tennis elbow?

Golf Balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ubs6n/whats_worse_than_tennis_elbow/
%
When I die, I want my body donated to necrophilia.

So I can go out with a bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ubloa/when_i_die_i_want_my_body_donated_to_necrophilia/
%
The thing about clickbait is that it's...

I can't believe that worked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ublc5/the_thing_about_clickbait_is_that_its/
%
Mississippi should be the headquarters of the NSA

'Cause it's got i's everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ubjti/mississippi_should_be_the_headquarters_of_the_nsa/
%
What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ubix7/what_is_the_difference_between_a_guitar_player/
%
I love eating babies and smiling

but I hate punctuation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ubiie/i_love_eating_babies_and_smiling/
%
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they would be called bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ubgkl/why_dont_seagulls_fly_over_the_bay/
%
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked,

"Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The husband said, "No sweetie."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ubeir/a_husband_and_wife_were_golfing_when_suddenly_the/
%
A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night...

He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.
"Drunk again?!" she asks.
He chuckles and says "Hey, me too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ubdje/a_man_stumbles_to_his_front_steps_late_one/
%
A man goes into a white supremacist diner..

He orders "2 eggs over easy."
The waiter brought out just egg whites.
"Where is the rest of my food?" Asked the patron
The waiter replied "Whites only in my diner! This is no yoke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ubax9/a_man_goes_into_a_white_supremacist_diner/
%
What joke has the slowest build-up to the shittiest punchline?

Life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ub92o/what_joke_has_the_slowest_buildup_to_the/
%
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him,

"Anything you say can and will be held against you."
&nbsp;
The man replies, "Boobs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ub8cn/a_man_is_being_arrested_by_a_female_police/
%
How does a rabbi makes his coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ub7oz/how_does_a_rabbi_makes_his_coffee/
%
As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ub7iv/as_i_get_older_and_i_remember_all_the_people_ive/
%
I was devastated when I got a text from my wife telling me I was crap in bed.

It’s ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ub6ab/i_was_devastated_when_i_got_a_text_from_my_wife/
%
What do you call a group of Linux users?

*Club Penguin.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ub5p8/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_linux_users/
%
It was reported that Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle, and Keith Moon just released a number of canines from the local pound

It can now be said that The Who let the dogs out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ub5gp/it_was_reported_that_roger_daltrey_pete_townshend/
%
A drunk stumbles out of a bar...

...and meanders down the street.  He makes his way into a church and enters the confessional booth.  A priest is there and waits a minute, but the drunk says nothing.  He waits 5 minutes, then 10, and still there's silence.  Finally, the priest knocks loudly on the dividing wall, and the drunk pipes up, "Sorry, pal, I can't help you. I've got no paper over here, either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ub560/a_drunk_stumbles_out_of_a_bar/
%
Senior year of High School is a lot like a retirement home...

You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ub3r6/senior_year_of_high_school_is_a_lot_like_a/
%
A man, who came out of the city, drove on the countryside to go chase some bird.

He shot many Times, but did never seem to hit.
When he finally hit a bird, which flew pretty high, it landed/fell on the garden of some farmer's house.
So he asked the farmer if he could have his bird, but he said "no, it is on my lawn, so it is mine."
The man insisted on his bird and he didnt want to give in.
So the farmer said: "Ok, listen here. We will make a challenge, we will alternatively kick each other in the balls. Last man standing wins."
The man agreed. The farmer starts.
The farmer hits the man in the balls with a really hard kick. the man lay on the grass for about 20 minutes.
After 20 Minutes he stands up and says: "Aah, But now it's my turn."
Then the farmer says: "No, i'm fine, you can have the bird."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uaxj6/a_man_who_came_out_of_the_city_drove_on_the/
%
There's two types of people

Those that can deduce facts from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uavh3/theres_two_types_of_people/
%
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer…

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uargx/i_recently_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
A Chinese guy walks into a bar and sees a Black bartender.

The Chinese man goes up to the bar and says,
"Give me a jigger, nigger."
The bartender, taken aback replies,
"Man, that's not cool. You can't just walk in here and say that to me."
The Chinese guy just smiles from ear to ear.
"Give me a jigger, nigger!"
The bartender says, "How would you like it if you were behind the bar and I just walked up to you and said something like that?"
The Chinese man shrugs, "I wouldn't care at all."
So the two switch places. The Black guy makes his way outside, comes back in, walks up to the bar and says,
"Give me a drink, chink!"
The Chinese guy replies, "I'm sorry, we don't serve niggers here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uaqqi/a_chinese_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_black/
%
My friend was cold so I told her to stand in the corner..

Corners are 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uapr3/my_friend_was_cold_so_i_told_her_to_stand_in_the/
%
What do you call a glass Tyrannosaurus Rex?

Pyrex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uahd2/what_do_you_call_a_glass_tyrannosaurus_rex/
%
The Great Wall Of China Is Famous

Because it's the only Chinese product that lasted this long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6uafmp/the_great_wall_of_china_is_famous/
%
At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"
Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, despite their big muscles. Eventually, a tiny, frail looking gentleman walks up to the stage. The strongman laughs, but gives him a go. To everyone's surprise, the man squeezes the lemon and almost fills the entire glass.
Stunned, the strongman asks the obvious winner of the challenge how he managed that.
"Oh, that's easy." Replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ua8kw/at_a_carnival_a_strongman_cuts_a_lemon_in_half/
%
Self deprecating jokes are the best.

Unless I make them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ua5w9/self_deprecating_jokes_are_the_best/
%
What do you call a pizza joint run by epileptic midgets?

Little Seizure's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ua4q2/what_do_you_call_a_pizza_joint_run_by_epileptic/
%
Have you heard of the Saudi Arabia gay pride anthem?

We will, we will rock you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u9zcm/have_you_heard_of_the_saudi_arabia_gay_pride/
%
Daredevils of Reddit, when you skydive should you pack a parachute or a water hose?

A parachute might fail. A water hose will definitely get caught on something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u9wzb/daredevils_of_reddit_when_you_skydive_should_you/
%
I am proud to be a racist.

100 meters, 10ks, marathons...you name it, they're better than biking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u9tih/i_am_proud_to_be_a_racist/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen are having trouble seeing his performance, so he stands on a large wooden box and calls out "Can you see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u9pse/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation

Now it looks like the French landed on the moon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u9mlu/til_the_american_flag_on_the_moon_has_turned/
%
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows ?

They're making headlines everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u9i5e/did_you_hear_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
%
Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u9g0x/just_found_out_the_local_barber_has_been_arrested/
%
What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u9bkg/what_do_you_call_a_nine_sided_shape_that_wont/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar. On the wall he reads the menu: Beer $1; Chicken Sandwiches $2; and Hand Jobs $4. Interested he walks to the bar counter where he finds a voluptuous and sexy woman. He calls her closer with a smile and whispers, "Are you the one giving the hand jobs?". She smiles, pushes her breasts, licks her lips and whispers, "Yes, baby". The man replies, "Well in that case, please wash your hands because I'd like a chicken sandwich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u95vj/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office

It improved my outlook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u94y4/i_was_feeling_bad_about_the_future_today_but_then/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, men can be feminists too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u94n0/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Bacon slicer.

Man walks into a butchers and says what's happened to your apprentice butcher?
Had to sack him for putting his nob in the bacon slicer, replied the butcher.
Oh what have you done with the bacon slicer? Asks the man
I've sacked her too, said the butcher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u93xn/bacon_slicer/
%
At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says

"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."
He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,
"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."
Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,
"You can fuck off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u921q/at_the_last_supper_jesus_takes_the_bread_blesses/
%
What did one Mexican robber say to the other when they got to the "No Trespassing" sign?

"It's ok because there is only two of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u8x7l/what_did_one_mexican_robber_say_to_the_other_when/
%
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u8ut6/a_woman_walks_into_an_accountants_office_and/
%
Cheeky old men

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u8rzy/cheeky_old_men/
%
I wanted to make my racing snail faster..

So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u8kq3/i_wanted_to_make_my_racing_snail_faster/
%
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th...

Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u8kk2/i_celebrate_420_on_january_5th/
%
My wife left me because I'm a mute.

I had nothing to say to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u8kjj/my_wife_left_me_because_im_a_mute/
%
A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u8g44/a_tub_pail_can_basket_canister_vat_kettle_cask/
%
"Tony, can you spell your name backwards?"

Tony: sure... y not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u8ejy/tony_can_you_spell_your_name_backwards/
%
My girlfriend won't share her surf and turf with me...

Shellfish cow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u8clc/my_girlfriend_wont_share_her_surf_and_turf_with_me/
%
The five senses have had massive lay-offs in their financial department.

There's no accounting for taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u8b96/the_five_senses_have_had_massive_layoffs_in_their/
%
2 patients break out of a mental asylum

They make it to the roof. There they see hundreds of rooftops stretching  as far as they could see.
The first guy jumps from the roof, and lands on the rooftop without injury.
The second guy is afraid of heights, and wouldn't jump.
"Wait, i have a flashlight with me!", "I'll make a path with the light, so you can walk across!"
"Hell no, I ain't crazy", "You'll just turn the light off when I'm halfway across!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u89vt/2_patients_break_out_of_a_mental_asylum/
%
3 years ago during my first reservists training

I am from Singapore and all relatively healthy males need to serve the army for 2 years and 10 reservist cycles
During my first reservists, many of our combat boots start to fall apart due to the adhesive hardening up and breaking apart, thus many of us have to walk to the store to purchase new boots while wearing the boots that were disintegrating with every step
There is only 1 route and it is a walk by the road, and many boots do not hold itself together long enough to reach the store
I call this road
*The road of lost soles*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u89to/3_years_ago_during_my_first_reservists_training/
%
A Muslim father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that my son, or Allah will strike you blind."

The child says, "Abu, I'm over here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u88iz/a_muslim_father_catches_his_son_masturbating_he/
%
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u87f2/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_with_a_yeast/
%
If I'm offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u86s6/if_im_offering_you_my_seat_you_fucking_take_it/
%
What do you get when an elephant sneezes?

Out of the way!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u86av/what_do_you_get_when_an_elephant_sneezes/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u83e2/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
Did you hear the one about the apartment...

Forget it. It’s too complex...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u81oa/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_apartment/
%
What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked it to help stop the flooding affecting its grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u7xlp/what_did_the_selfish_beaver_say_to_the_deer_that/
%
How to blackboards communicate?

They chalk to each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u7vq1/how_to_blackboards_communicate/
%
I hate when people say "act like an adult"

Have you seen adults lately?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u7uxw/i_hate_when_people_say_act_like_an_adult/
%
How does a mathematician want to solve terrorism?

He wants to simplify the radicals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u7svf/how_does_a_mathematician_want_to_solve_terrorism/
%
Why America changed the spelling of words

America:Color
England:Colour
America:Neighbor
England:Neighbour
America:Humor
England:Humour
America:Flavor
England:Flavour
England: What are you doing?
Murica': Getting rid of u.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u7ncz/why_america_changed_the_spelling_of_words/
%
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran-wrap...

The doctor takes one look at him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u7lz1/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
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A fly is hovering six inches above a lake.

Under the water, a fish is sizing up the fly. "If that fly would just drop six inches, I could eat it," it thinks.
On the shore of the lake, a bear is eyeing the fish. "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will go for it, and I can catch the fish while it's distracted."
On top of a nearby hill, a hunter is observing the bear. "If that fly drops six inches, that fish will go for it and draw the bear into the open. Then I can shoot it."
In the grass behind the hunter, a mouse smells food. "If that fly were to drop six inches, the fish would try to get it, the bear would attack the fish, and I could steal the hunter's trail mix while she's shooting the bear.
A fat cat is crouched in the bushes behind the mouse. "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will go for the fly, the bear will attack the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will steal her trail mix, and I can sneak up on it while it's eating."
The fly drops six inches. The fish leaps up and eats the fly, the bear charges and snatches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse steals her trail mix, and the cat pounces at the mouse, but it misses and rolls all the way down the hill and into the lake.
And the moral of the story is: whenever a fly drops six inches, a pussy is sure to get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u7jb2/a_fly_is_hovering_six_inches_above_a_lake/
%
Civil war jokes?

I General Lee don't find them funny!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u7hj2/civil_war_jokes/
%
Millenials are Killing the Coat Hanger Industry

more than half of them support legal abortions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u7gvo/millenials_are_killing_the_coat_hanger_industry/
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Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.
Thanks,
America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u7e8x/dear_god/
%
Earlier today I saw 4 guys beating this kid up in an alleyway, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against the 5 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u7e6q/earlier_today_i_saw_4_guys_beating_this_kid_up_in/
%
Why do white girls only come in odd numbers?

Because they literally can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u7dd3/why_do_white_girls_only_come_in_odd_numbers/
%
I like my women like I like my milk.

2% chocolate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u7cq3/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_milk/
%
A guy gets drunk and throws up on himself...again.

He's distraught about it because he knows his wife is going to go ballistic, and he's scared to go home. His friend at the bar says, "Relax, I have a solution."
"What's the solution?" the drunk asks.
"Here's what you do," says the friend. "Take a ten dollar bill and put it in your shirt. When your wife starts yelling about the puke, tell her it wasn't you that puked, it was some guy at the bar who threw up on you. Then pull out the ten dollar bill and say see, he even gave me ten bucks for the cleaning bill."
The drunk says, "Wow, that's brilliant, I'll do it."
The drunk goes home and his wife starts yelling. The drunk says, "Wait a second. I didn't do this, some guy at the bar threw up on me. And I can prove it. He gave me ten dollars for the cleaning bill."
The drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a twenty dollar bill.
His wife says, "That's a twenty. I thought he gave you ten dollars to clean up the puke."
The drunk says, "He did. But he also shit in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u7a2a/a_guy_gets_drunk_and_throws_up_on_himselfagain/
%
I have a step-ladder...

One day i hope to find my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u76q5/i_have_a_stepladder/
%
At night after a long power outage, the lights finally came back on in Charlize Theron's house.

When the lights returned, her housekeeper exclaimed:
Charlize, they're on!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u76cm/at_night_after_a_long_power_outage_the_lights/
%
I don't see why people are getting so heated about alt-left and right

I mean, both keys do the exact same thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u75u6/i_dont_see_why_people_are_getting_so_heated_about/
%
What does a black man call a black lawyer?

A brother in law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u73xr/what_does_a_black_man_call_a_black_lawyer/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u6ztl/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
Got a new job as an elephant circumcizer...

The pay is pretty bad, but you get big tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u6y02/got_a_new_job_as_an_elephant_circumcizer/
%
Washington D.C. was in complete gridlock...

As I stewed in traffic wondering what was causing it, a guy comes up and knocks on my window.
"What's it all about?" I ask.
"You haven't heard? President Trump has been kidnapped. It's all over the news! The ransom note says we either deliver a billion dollars or they are going to cover him with gas and burn him alive. I'm out here taking up a collection to help."
"Oh, God." I said. "Of course I'm willing to help. Anything. How much have you got so far?"
"About six gallons." He said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u6x1d/washington_dc_was_in_complete_gridlock/
%
I don't understand ATM machines.

They just don't make cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u6wbb/i_dont_understand_atm_machines/
%
3 men are stranded on an island.

3 men are stranded on an island and they find a genie bottle. They decide that each person gets one wish.
The first man says "I wish I was back home." then disappeared.
The second man says "I wish I was of this island!" and he was gone.
The third man say "I wish my friends were back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u6vzv/3_men_are_stranded_on_an_island/
%
Okay, I am getting really irritated

This is the 5th ATM I've been to today that's had "insufficient funds"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u6tl9/okay_i_am_getting_really_irritated/
%
3 Brazilian

A blonde was listening to the radio when suddenly she heard "3 Brazilian men died in a fatal car accident." The woman then asked, "How much is a Brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u6swf/3_brazilian/
%
I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u6srq/i_rode_to_the_liquor_store_yesterday_on_my_bicycle/
%
What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u6dvs/whats_it_called_when_a_chameleon_cant_change_its/
%
Descartes walks into a bar...

The bartender says: "would you like a beer?" Descartes replies: "I think not", and he ceases to exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u6b2i/descartes_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did the bully say to Nasa?

Gimmie (all) your launch money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u689g/what_did_the_bully_say_to_nasa/
%
I didn't hear my brother walk into the room

Turns out he was wearing sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u66hp/i_didnt_hear_my_brother_walk_into_the_room/
%
What should you do when you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u63il/what_should_you_do_when_you_see_a_spaceman/
%
I don't know why the right is so in favor of confederate statues.

They're pretty adamant about losers not getting participation trophies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u60wd/i_dont_know_why_the_right_is_so_in_favor_of/
%
A man is walking home one foggy night,

When behind him he hears:
Thump...
Thump...
Thump...
He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog.  He continues walking.
Thump...
Thump...
Thump...
He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries along.  He sees the faint outline of a coffin standing upright, hopping along after him.
Thump...
Thump...
Thump...
Terrified, the man begins to run, cutting through an alley in hopes of losing his pursuer, but the coffin follows quickly.
Thump...
Thump...
Thump...
Faster and faster he goes, until he finally reaches his house.  Out of breath, he lets himself in and slams the door shut behind him, locking the deadbolt.  He backs away from the door as he hears banging on the other side:
Thump...
Thump...
Thump...
CRASH!
The coffin bursts through the door, unhinging its lid.  The lid swings wildly as it hops after him, and he screams and runs up the stairs.
Clappity-thump...
Clappity-thump...
Clappity-thump...
He runs into the bathroom and shuts the door, cowering against the back wall.  Again, it rams into the door, smashing it open.
The man searches frantically for something to defend himself with.  He sees a bottle of cough syrup on the counter and snatches it up.  Desperately, he throws it at the coffin, and...
The coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u5xug/a_man_is_walking_home_one_foggy_night/
%
What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes

Sex tape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u5xcr/what_does_kim_kardashian_use_to_fix_holes/
%
I, for one,

like Roman Numerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u5wwr/i_for_one/
%
Light beer is like the beach...

Close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u5v55/light_beer_is_like_the_beach/
%
How did the farmer find his missing wife?

He tractor down. 🚜🚜🚜

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u5thl/how_did_the_farmer_find_his_missing_wife/
%
Me and my buddy were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography.

Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u5s5v/me_and_my_buddy_were_masturbating_to_some/
%
Everything about buying a new mattress has gotten me so stressed out.

I figured I'd sleep on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u5op7/everything_about_buying_a_new_mattress_has_gotten/
%
A man lost at an Island [LONG

One day a man got lost at an Island, in this Island there's Tree tribes: A small one a normal size one and a big one. The man approaches the small one and asks ''Anyone know how to get out of here'' then the tribe chief says ''I could tell but first you must choose: booga ooga or death ? " The man shrugs and says: "Errr.. booga ooga? " The man is raped by all members of the tribe, after it he asks the chief ''How can I get out now'' and the chief says:"Go to the next tribe and ask'', he then does the same and asks the chief of the normal size tribe, he asks the man '' I'll tell you, but first answer me, booga ooga or death? " The man sights and looks at the chief and says "booga ooga...'' he is raped again by all members of the tribe, he confronts the chief and asks "HOW THE FUCK DO I GET OUT OF THIS DAMN ISLAND" the chief says "Go to the next tribe and ask them", the man limps in pain to the next tribe and furiously yells at the chief "HOW CAN I GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING INSANE RAPIST LAND?" the chief calmly asks Him ''booga ooga or death ?" The man looks him straight into his eyes and says "Death" The chief respectfully nods and says:" Fine, but first booga ooga"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u5obu/a_man_lost_at_an_island_long/
%
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u5nah/what_do_you_call_a_priest_who_becomes_a_lawyer/
%
What do you call someone who has never seen the Matrix?

A Neo not-see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u5kbn/what_do_you_call_someone_who_has_never_seen_the/
%
What did the gay deer say when he left the bar?

I can't believe I blew fifty bucks in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u5k8l/what_did_the_gay_deer_say_when_he_left_the_bar/
%
A man comes home and calls out to his wife, "Honey, pack your things. I've just won the lottery!" Excited, she responds "Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"

"I don't care - just get the fuck out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u5f2c/a_man_comes_home_and_calls_out_to_his_wife_honey/
%
Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u5eqw/sunday_morning_sex/
%
Did you hear about the giant who sneezed?

it's all over town

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u59v8/did_you_hear_about_the_giant_who_sneezed/
%
What do Russians say when they have no internet?

Inter-niet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u545z/what_do_russians_say_when_they_have_no_internet/
%
An American spy is trying to disarm a bomb in a Soviet school.

He's trying to decide which wire to cut. There's a red, a blue, and a green wire. As the timer ticks down and the agent is getting desperate he decides to cut the red wire. The next thing he remembers is waking up in a hospital. He can't feel or see anything but he hears the doctor's voice. "It's a miracle you survived. You should be glad that you're even alive." The agent responds: "What happened in the school." "Did I cut the wrong wire?" The doctor stays quiet but removes the bandage covering the agents eyes and he sees that his arms are completely missing from the shoulder down. "OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ARMS. DOC!" "Well you see, in Soviet Russia bomb disarms you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u53ro/an_american_spy_is_trying_to_disarm_a_bomb_in_a/
%
write it down!

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u53py/write_it_down/
%
When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left.

I don’t want to intimidate her with the competition right away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u4wub/when_i_meet_a_girl_for_the_first_time_i_shake/
%
Why are dogs afraid of outer space?

Because it's a vacuum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u4r67/why_are_dogs_afraid_of_outer_space/
%
You are a 'merican when you go into the bathroom, and you are a 'merican when you leave it.

But when you are inside the bathroom, you're a 'peein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u4kuq/you_are_a_merican_when_you_go_into_the_bathroom/
%
The term, "Alt-Left" has been around for decades! Wow, it really takes me back.

If you spend a lot of time on Reddit you may like Ctrl-W as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u4kg7/the_term_altleft_has_been_around_for_decades_wow/
%
What do you call a homosexual Hispanic living in the United States? (NSFW)

Amaricon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u4e4e/what_do_you_call_a_homosexual_hispanic_living_in/
%
If President Clinton had a show it would be called...

Between two Bushes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u4blv/if_president_clinton_had_a_show_it_would_be_called/
%
Why is stealing toilets from the police station the perfect crime?

Because the cops have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u47fn/why_is_stealing_toilets_from_the_police_station/
%
Dalai lama walks in to a Pizza Shop...

Dalai lama walks in to a Pizza Shop and says: "Can you make me one with everything?"
-----
From an interview i saw, thought you guys would enjoy it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u46zh/dalai_lama_walks_in_to_a_pizza_shop/
%
My friend told me he felt sad because he didn't know the lyrics to "YMCA".

I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u45ry/my_friend_told_me_he_felt_sad_because_he_didnt/
%
Luke wanted to find love

But he looked in Alderaan places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u41su/luke_wanted_to_find_love/
%
Yo mama so fat...

It takes more than a single processor to load her chunks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u3uvm/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
Why does Ed have no girlfriend?

Because Sheeran 😂😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u3sjr/why_does_ed_have_no_girlfriend/
%
Why doesn't Popeye need lube?

Because he has Olive Oyl..
Bonus:
What does Popeye do to keep his favourite tool from rusting?
He sticks it in Olive Oyl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u3rfa/why_doesnt_popeye_need_lube/
%
Alcohol Free Beer [NSFW[]

Alcohol-free beer is like licking your girlfriend's sisters' pussy,  it looks the same and it tastes the same but it just isn't right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u3ptd/alcohol_free_beer_nsfw/
%
My wife thinks I play favourites with my kids.

That's just silly. I love Eric and Not Eric equally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u3oiw/my_wife_thinks_i_play_favourites_with_my_kids/
%
I, for one...

...like Roman numerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u3ogx/i_for_one/
%
Why did the javascript programmer need glasses?

Because he couldn't C#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u3nug/why_did_the_javascript_programmer_need_glasses/
%
What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?

They both turn “o” into an “O”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u3l9g/what_do_prison_and_the_caps_lock_button_have_in/
%
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a shit load of hares, and a fish nobody can find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u3kso/how_many_animals_can_you_fit_into_a_pair_of/
%
An older couple is getting married...

An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on sex?"
The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."
The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u3i7q/an_older_couple_is_getting_married/
%
Whats the difference between an ISIS stronghold and a syrian school?

I dont know, i just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u3bn8/whats_the_difference_between_an_isis_stronghold/
%
What do Star Wars and the Bible have in common?

They each have a lot of books that are fine on their own, but once you put them together they start making a lot less sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u3992/what_do_star_wars_and_the_bible_have_in_common/
%
I like my coffee like I like my slaves...

FREE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u37ur/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
A Pepsi employee was fired today

He tested positive for coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u32yx/a_pepsi_employee_was_fired_today/
%
My date asked if I prefer cats or dogs.

I replied, "I don't even see them on the menu.  What page are you on?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2xlk/my_date_asked_if_i_prefer_cats_or_dogs/
%
Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2xh2/deaf_sex/
%
What do you call a 27 year old woman in Mississippi?

Grandma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2ukm/what_do_you_call_a_27_year_old_woman_in/
%
Two men are wrongfully imprisoned in an insane asylum...

They quickly, and frustratingly, realize that the more they try to prove their sanity the more they are treated like they are insane. Eventually they can't take anymore and decide to break free together.
At night they slip out of their rooms and sneak towards the stairs. They climb up the stairs and make it to the roof. From there they can smell the fresh air, and taste freedom. All they have to do is jump to the next building.
The first man doesn't hesitate. He quickly jumps over and lands safely on the building. He smiles and grins ready to go.
The second man freezes. He looks down the crevice to ally below. The first man looks back and asks "what's wrong?". The second man replies "I can't make it... I'll fall and die!"
The first man says "look, I got this flashlight here. Why don't you let me shine a beam of light across and you can walk on it over to this building. Then we can be free!?"
The second man replies: "What do you think I'm crazy?? You'll just turn it off when I'm halfway across!"
(A little bit of a change from a joke in Batman: The Killing Joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2rew/two_men_are_wrongfully_imprisoned_in_an_insane/
%
What does a wife and a laxative have in common?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2nwa/what_does_a_wife_and_a_laxative_have_in_common/
%
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

Your wife has to chew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2n2k/how_can_you_tell_if_you_have_a_high_sperm_count/
%
What's a banana made of?

One part barium, two parts sodium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2l1v/whats_a_banana_made_of/
%
A very sad day today

After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were very good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of freckin’ time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2km0/a_very_sad_day_today/
%
What happens when two Vietnamese people help each other out?

You have a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2k79/what_happens_when_two_vietnamese_people_help_each/
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Rest Stop

I was coming back from visiting my son in Miami and I stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. I just sat down on the toilet when I heard a voice coming from the stall next to mine, “Hey! How’s it going?” Although I was quite surprised, and I wasn’t in the habit of conversing to the people next to me in the stall, I nevertheless answered him, “I’m fine” I said “thanks for asking.”
“What are you doing?” Asked the same voice. To be honest I was a bit taken aback by the brazenness of this fellow, but I would never ignore anyone so I calmly answered, “I’m relieving myself.”
Then I heard the same voice again, “I’m going to have to call you back, some smartass is answering all of my questions.”
Edit-A word-thanks u/LegendaryFalcon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2j79/rest_stop/
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Queso is the perfect food for socialists....

'cause everybody chips in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2ih1/queso_is_the_perfect_food_for_socialists/
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Fell off a 50ft ladder today...

...good thing I was on the first wrung!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2fgz/fell_off_a_50ft_ladder_today/
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They say to never look a gift horse in the mouth...

Unless you're a horse dentist, then please, look in my gift horse's mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2bv9/they_say_to_never_look_a_gift_horse_in_the_mouth/
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An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory".  Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies."
The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere.  So all of them start looking for him.
After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2bp7/an_italian_guy_a_polish_guy_and_a_japanese_guy/
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Where did Noah keep the bees during the flood?

In the Ark Hives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2bbi/where_did_noah_keep_the_bees_during_the_flood/
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How does every black joke start?

With a look over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u2aam/how_does_every_black_joke_start/
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Selling all of my old tennis equipment but I can't figure out

What's the net worth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u28d9/selling_all_of_my_old_tennis_equipment_but_i_cant/
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A man was bragging about how good he was

He said that he was the time magazine's person of the year in 2006.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u26ox/a_man_was_bragging_about_how_good_he_was/
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2 nuns cycle down a cobbled street. One let's out a cry and says "I've never come this way before."

The other one says, "you wouldn't normally but there's a diversion around some road works."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u26am/2_nuns_cycle_down_a_cobbled_street_one_lets_out_a/
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I’m very conflicted by eye tests.

I want to get the answers right.
....but I really want to win the glasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u24un/im_very_conflicted_by_eye_tests/
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The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies,

You'd almost think the whole country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u24ii/the_usa_is_having_so_many_disasters_and_tragedies/
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What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Philippe Philop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u22z3/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_in_sandals/
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I went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before.

The plot thickens...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u1zrc/i_went_to_my_allotment_and_found_that_there_was/
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Why do Biology teachers have to teach about Meiosis?

Sex cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u1z9m/why_do_biology_teachers_have_to_teach_about/
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What is Bruce Lee's favourite drink?

Water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u1uca/what_is_bruce_lees_favourite_drink/
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An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard...

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard. He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u1tj8/an_older_man_walks_into_a_bar_wearing_a_stovepipe/
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Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success

And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u1pud/everyone_is_trying_to_climb_the_ladder_to_success/
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I just saw a movie with Jonah hill and Michael cera.

I would not recommend. It was Superbad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u1o7l/i_just_saw_a_movie_with_jonah_hill_and_michael/
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Johnny, could you please come up here and count to ten?

The teacher asked Johnny to come up to the front of the classroom and count to ten
Teacher: "What are waiting for Johnny?"
Johnny took a deep breath
Johnny: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."
Suddenly Johnny burst out crying and the teacher came running to him
Teacher: What's wrong Johnny, why did you stop at 5?
Johnny: "Because I feel so bad for 6!"
Teacher: "Why do you feel bad for it?"
Johnny: " O-On the news this m-morning it said '6 died in major car crash'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u1ngf/johnny_could_you_please_come_up_here_and_count_to/
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I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

I lost my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u1jnw/i_tried_to_sue_the_airport_for_misplacing_my/
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Guy goes to a sandwich shop for a bite to eat

Walks in to the restaurant, and looks at the menu. After a minute he approaches the sandwich counter and asks the employee to make him the /r/jokes sandwich. The guy takes his sandwich to the table and sits down to eat. He takes a bite into it and immediately spits it out and says "this thing tastes spoiled, and the bread is hard!"
The employee says "well sir, that sub is filled with old recycled material."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u1gnp/guy_goes_to_a_sandwich_shop_for_a_bite_to_eat/
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What does the antisocial, know-it-all frog say?

Reddit Reddit Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u1el3/what_does_the_antisocial_knowitall_frog_say/
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Which race is the master race?

PC, obviously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u1cpe/which_race_is_the_master_race/
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They say Magnum condoms are only good for big schlongs

I don't buy it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u1a0x/they_say_magnum_condoms_are_only_good_for_big/
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My friend from Beijing asked me to suggest some nice Taylor Swift songs so I asked him to listen to "T.S.1989" album

I haven't heard anything from him since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u16fp/my_friend_from_beijing_asked_me_to_suggest_some/
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What did Google say to the politically incorrect employee?

I can help you search for a new job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u15dk/what_did_google_say_to_the_politically_incorrect/
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I want to start a political party called the People of our Population....

..... I know it would be the POOP but it would be better than the shit we have to deal with now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u14ej/i_want_to_start_a_political_party_called_the/
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My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u14ce/my_wife_says_shes_fed_up_and_is_planning_on/
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A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers...

and says "Five beers, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u115j/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_holds_up_two_fingers/
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A little girl in charlottesville cries after the violence she's seen, I try to comfort her: "There there...

it's alt right"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u106e/a_little_girl_in_charlottesville_cries_after_the/
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Lil Tyrone's question

On a fine sunny day, Lil Tyrone was sitting in his 4th grade math class. Feeling bored as usual, he decided to compare the size of his dick with his classmates. To his surprise, his was much bigger than any of his classmate's.
Feeling happy but curious at the same time, he went home and asked his dad:
"Hey dad, I was comparing the size of my dick with my classmates today, and mine was so much bigger than everyone else's! Is it because I'm black?"
Upon hearing lil Tyrone's question, his dad looked him straight in the eyes and replied:
"No Tyrone, it's because you're 18."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u0y9a/lil_tyrones_question/
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If you are chased by a bunch of Taxidermists

Don't play dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u0urj/if_you_are_chased_by_a_bunch_of_taxidermists/
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I'm getting married to my pencil,

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my wife 2B!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u0o7q/im_getting_married_to_my_pencil/
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What do you call a tree that grows meat?

Dmitry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u0mm1/what_do_you_call_a_tree_that_grows_meat/
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Bubble wrap

I asked my boss "where do you want me to put this giant roll of bubble wrap?"
And he replied "just pop it in the corner"
4 f*cking hours it took me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u0luk/bubble_wrap/
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Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style

The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u0lcd/based_on_statistics_the_most_used_sexual_position/
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A female weightlifter goes to the doctors..

"I've been taking steriods and seem to be growing a penis"
"Anabolic?"
"No, just the penis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u0l8e/a_female_weightlifter_goes_to_the_doctors/
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Naughty kid draws a penis on a black board

Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: "REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u0ko1/naughty_kid_draws_a_penis_on_a_black_board/
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There's this book entitled "solve 50% of your problems"

I bought two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u0k1e/theres_this_book_entitled_solve_50_of_your/
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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane

When the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"What? I have no idea" said the stranger.
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u0js0/a_stranger_was_seated_next_to_little_johnny_on/
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A friend was talking to me about investing in property in the Middle East

"Dubai?" I asked.
"No, I can't afford it yet", he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u0fyb/a_friend_was_talking_to_me_about_investing_in/
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Hell

A man arrives in hell after having just been murderd by his wife for cheating on her with over a thousand other women.
The Devil arrives and greets the man.  He tells him "as the one millionth arrival this month you get to pick the Hell in which you shall live out eternity.  You will be shown five individual hells and you must chose one".
The Devil leads the man to the individual hell chambers.   At the first one the door opens into a chamber where an old, withered looking man is chain naked, spreadeagle to a wall and in front of him is a machine spitting acid globs at him, burning him slowly forever.  The Devil waits for a moment then closes the door..."Next!" he says.
At the next chamber the door opens up to reveal a similar scene as the first;  an old withered looking man is chained, naked and spread eagle to the wall but this time there is no acid spitting machine. Instead in this one oil is being poured onto the mans head in a slow steady stream, running into his eyes and covering his nose and mouth periodically.  By the look in his eye this is clearly tortuous so and the man shivers and looks away..."Next!" The Devil says and then move on.
The 3rd chamber opens to a similar scene, an old man chained to the wall, naked and spreadeagled.  There is no acid machine or oil here but instead, to the man's surprise, there is a beautiful tanned blonde lady, naked, sitting at the chained up old mans feet giving him a blowjob.  Unsurprisingly the guy chained up looks rather happy with his lot in hell.
The man at the door stares in disbelief and immediately says "This one".
The Devil turns to him and says "Are you sure? This is the third of five. There are others from which you may choose."
"I'm sure" says the man.
"OK" says the Devil who then turns back to the chamber and says "OK Lady, you're done here.  We've got a replacement for you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u0agw/hell/
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Why did Mike Tyson cross the road?

To get to the other thide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u08ds/why_did_mike_tyson_cross_the_road/
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What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Postal Service have in common?

Both, don't deliver on Sundays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u037u/what_do_the_dallas_cowboys_and_the_postal_service/
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Are all women claustrophobic?

It seems like everyone screams when they're in the trunk of my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u02p4/are_all_women_claustrophobic/
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NSFW A guy goes to get his girlfriend a dog for her birthday.

This guy's girlfriend wants a dog for her birthday. He decides he's going to treat her, and heads too a local dog breeder. He says, "I want to buy a dog for a girlfriend". He looks at a few of the various breeds, asks how much one of their cute puppies cost. The man replies, "$1,500 plus shots." He says, "I don't have that kind of money do you have anything for cheaper."
"All of our dogs that we breed cost between 1000 and $1,500. I do have one old mutt, I have had since she was a pup, she's blind deaf an asshole, shits and pissed itself regularly, it growls and will sometimes try to bite you when your having sex. You can have her for free but she is going to need surgery this week or she will probably die." Frustrated, he asked the dog breeder, "I don't have a lot of money I can't pay for a dog or surgery for some old dog that's about to die. Do you have anything that I can get for cheap."
"I do have something that you may want. There's a room in the back and there's a box in that room take a peek at it." The man says.
He goes in the room sees a shoebox with holes poked all over it, it is moving around and he can catch glimpses of fur through the holes. He carefully open the box. There is a giant haggard-looking guinea pig looking up at him. It looks like it's been through War, one eye is huge and it's staring up at him up. "Why the fuck would anybody want this for a girlfriend," he exclaims. The breeder standing behind him says with a wink, "Take your pants down and you will find out."
The guy not knowing what to expect unbuttons his pants, the guinea pigs staring at him with his giant eye. The creature is drooling. He slowly takes out his penis, and the guinea pig leaps out of the box and latches right onto it. Before he knows it he is getting best blowjob he's ever had in his life. Walking out of the room he asked the dog breeder what it cost to buy it. Breeder replied, "Well, I need to get rid of this thing I've been using it too much, you can have it for twenty bucks. It's one of the cheapest pets anybody could buy for a girlfriend."
The guys doesn't have to think twice, he wips out $20 and hands it over.
Guy takes the box with the guinea pig and heads straight home. His girlfriend comes out to greet him as he is walking up to the door. She looks in the box an says, You got me THIS for my birthday?
To which he replied,"NO it's for me. Pack your shit and get the Fuck out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u010y/nsfw_a_guy_goes_to_get_his_girlfriend_a_dog_for/
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Diarrhea is hereditary....

....it runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6u00i3/diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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Two Nuns..

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tzze7/two_nuns/
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Not gonna lie, my penis can reach 8 inches when I'm happy

I'm never happy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tzyy6/not_gonna_lie_my_penis_can_reach_8_inches_when_im/
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A man suffering from Alzheimer's leaves a bakery...

...and as he walks out the door the baker yells 'You forgotch'ya focaccia!'
(came from a dream i had. the GF insists its terrible but ill keep using it when i introduce it to her friends)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tzy0i/a_man_suffering_from_alzheimers_leaves_a_bakery/
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After years of complaints, a mother finally gets sick of cooking dinner.

She makes a new family rule: whoever complains about dinner has to cook the next night. After a few rounds, dinner duty falls to the husband. But by now, everyone is sick of having to cook, so they all decide to stop complaining. Weeks go by. The dad is sick of cooking, but nobody complains about his food, so he has to keep cooking. Eventually, he gets fed up, and starts deliberately making terrible food. He over salts everything, burns the meat, makes the vegetables soggy, but still, nobody complains. Finally, at his wits end, he goes out into the woods and scoops up a few pounds of moose droppings. He brings them home and deep fries them in motor oil. When he serves this awful mess to his family, he can see the revolted looks on their faces, but nobody says a thing. Finally, after choking down a bite, one of his sons can't take it anymore.
"God dammit, dad this tastes like moose shit friend in motor oil!"
The dad smiles and claps his hands, but before he can say anything, his son continues.
"...but in a GOOD way!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tzsj0/after_years_of_complaints_a_mother_finally_gets/
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Did you know oranges have genders?

If one squirts in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for absolutely no reason, it's female.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tzpzc/did_you_know_oranges_have_genders/
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Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side...

...only three more sleeps till Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tzgaz/insomnia_is_awful_but_on_the_plus_side/
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A toast; to our wives and our girlfriends...

May they never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tzg1i/a_toast_to_our_wives_and_our_girlfriends/
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A man was having an affair

One night, his mistress confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he promised to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he also promised to provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, yeah? Why is it strange?' he said.
The wife responds "It's from Italy, with no sender and on the back it's written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
The husband fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tzfjb/a_man_was_having_an_affair/
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What is Pepe's favorite cheese?

BREEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tzfhz/what_is_pepes_favorite_cheese/
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It is during our darkest moments...

That we need to replace the batteries of the flashlight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tzbuu/it_is_during_our_darkest_moments/
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I saw where they pulled all the Steve Irwin sunscreen off the market for false advertising.

It didn't protect against harmful rays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tz6v5/i_saw_where_they_pulled_all_the_steve_irwin/
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I watched two guys rob an Apple Store today. The police caught them.

I'm going to be an iWitness at the trial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tz5l9/i_watched_two_guys_rob_an_apple_store_today_the/
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I cheated on my girlfriend once.

I cheated on my girlfriend once, we were playing monopoly and I took money from the bank when she wasn't looking.
Then I went upstairs and fucked her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tz5d6/i_cheated_on_my_girlfriend_once/
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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They're efficient, and not very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tz4bf/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What´s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tz189/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Without another man's dick in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tyzuq/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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What cologne do Tesla drivers wear?

Elon's Musk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tyzub/what_cologne_do_tesla_drivers_wear/
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Why does Trump watch the Olympics?

To see how high the Mexican pole vaulters can go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tyxwf/why_does_trump_watch_the_olympics/
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I bought my mom a fridge as birthday present

Her face really lit up when she opened it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tyx37/i_bought_my_mom_a_fridge_as_birthday_present/
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why are the busses in London red?

You would be too if you had to come every 10 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tyu89/why_are_the_busses_in_london_red/
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Video games are becoming more and more realistic...

Because they're becoming more and more pay-to-win

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tyoyh/video_games_are_becoming_more_and_more_realistic/
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One day, a man from Minnesota decided to move down to Texas to follow his dream of becoming a train conductor.

On his first day on the job, he had brought a book with him to read. The book he brought to read was very interesting. So interesting, in fact, he wasn't paying attention and accidentally hit an old lady on the train tracks.
The next day, he appeared in court.
The judge said to him: "Now, I don't know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren't allowed to run over old ladies on the train tracks."
And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.
The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.
And nothing happened.
And so the executioner said to him: "Now, I don't know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, if the electric chair doesn't kill you, you are to be freed."
And so the next day he went back to work. This time, he brought a different book to read. However, this book was very boring, and it put him to sleep. He was sleeping so deeply, he didn't realize what was going on and accidentally hit a small child on the train tracks.
The next day, he appeared in court.
The judge said to him: "Now, I don't know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren't allowed to run over small children on the train tracks."
And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.
The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.
And nothing happened.
And so the executioner said to him: "Now, I don't know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, if the electric chair doesn't kill you, you are to be freed."
And so, he once again walked free. He went back to work, and instead of bringing a book, he brought a paddle ball to play with. However, as he was playing with it, it hit him in the head, knocking him out. Because of this, he couldn't stop the train as it hit the mayor on the train tracks.
The next day, he appeared in court.
The judge said to him: "Now, I don't know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren't allowed to run over the mayor on the train tracks."
And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.
The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.
And nothing happened.
And finally, the executioner turned and said to him: "I don't understand, why is it still not working?"
The man looked at him and said:
"I guess I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tyj5v/one_day_a_man_from_minnesota_decided_to_move_down/
%
Joke I just heard at the bar.

Jesus and Moses are out golfing and they come up to a dogleg left over a big lake.
Jesus turns to Moses and says "You know, I've seen Arnold Palmer hit this to the green over the lake multiple times"
Moses says "Awesome, I'll spread the water if you don't make it"
Jesus takes his shot and it lands straight in the lake. So Moses spreads the water and Jesus walks out to get his ball, comes back and say's "Okay one more, if Arnold Palmer can do it so can I"
Moses let's him know "Hey you have to take a stroke if you miss this time. I won't spread this lake again for you"
So Jesus tees off and boom, straight into the lake.
So Jesus walks out on the water to find his ball and while he is doing that a threesome of men come up see Jesus walking out there and they say "who the hell does this guy think he is? Jesus Christ?!"
Moses turns to them and says "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tyieg/joke_i_just_heard_at_the_bar/
%
Hispanic jokes are like Black jokes...

once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tygh4/hispanic_jokes_are_like_black_jokes/
%
I'm 45 and have the body of a 25 year old model!

She's in my basement, any suggestions?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tydp7/im_45_and_have_the_body_of_a_25_year_old_model/
%
What do the Cleveland Browns and a Meth addict have in common?

They will both suck for 4 quarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tycra/what_do_the_cleveland_browns_and_a_meth_addict/
%
Someone stole my mood ring

I don't know how I feel about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tyb7g/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
Did you hear about the fire at the school for the mentally disabled?

Some of the kids started it because they thought they were fire retardant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ty96h/did_you_hear_about_the_fire_at_the_school_for_the/
%
There's this girl. She keeps ringing.

Because she Isabelle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ty79d/theres_this_girl_she_keeps_ringing/
%
Why did the duck get arrested

he got caught selling quack.
ok you can ban me now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ty4qi/why_did_the_duck_get_arrested/
%
A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse...

"I need a horse, but I'm short on cash. What can I get for $25?" the cowboy asks the owner.
"Well, for fifteen I can give you 'ol Bill. He's seen a few years but he's still a fast horse" replies the owner.
"Why so cheap then?"
"Well, he ain't so good at listening. You see, he gets his Whoas and Giddy-ups mixed-up."
"You're kidding? Well, I don't have much choice. Here's $15, friend."
After he'd payed for the horse the owner went out to the stable to get Bill. When he came back, the cowboy could see that Bill was indeed old, but had very strong legs. After preparing the saddle, the cowboy hopped on Bill.
"Alright, Bill. Giddy-up!"
Bill would not move, not a twitch from his ears.
"C'mon Bill! Giddy-up!" he clicked, kicking the horse with his spurs.
Bill wouldn't budge. Not a swish from his tail. Remembering what the owner had said, the cowboy adjusted his reins and called...
"Whoa, Bill!"
Bill's ears perked, and he flew out of the barn like a bat out of hell. Horse and rider were outside the town in seconds, with a huge dust cloud trailing behind them. Off they went, flying over the Arizona hills. The cowboy could barely hold on to his reins; his feet flailing out behind the stirrups.
Over the next hill the cowboy could see that Bill was running them straight towards the edge of the Grand Canyon. He pulled back on the reins.
"Whoa, Bill! Whoa!" he cried.
Bill kept running. The edge of the precipice coming closer.
"Whoa, Bill! Stop, damn it!"
He suddenly recalled what the owner had said about Bill's mixed-up directions. Taking a deep breath the cowboy closed his eyes and shouted "Giddy-up, Bill!"
Bill came to an abruptly fast stop, just one horse-step away from certain death. The cowboy nearly vaulted over Bill into the vast gorge. Bill panted with exhaustion while the cowboy wiped his brow with his kerchief. From atop Bill, he looked down into the canyon at the dry riverbed far below.
"Whoa, Bill. That was *clo--*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ty3cy/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_livery_stable_and_asks_for/
%
Doctor to blonde "You are pregnant"

Blonde "Gosh, I hope it's not mine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ty18r/doctor_to_blonde_you_are_pregnant/
%
A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption

One of the twin boys is adopted by a family in Spain and is named Juan. The other boy is adopted by a family in Egypt, who name him Jamal.
Years later, her son Juan connects with her and sends him a picture of himself with his family.
Feeling moved and happy that Juan is doing well, she sighs to her husband, "I wish I could see the other one, too."
Her husband looks at her and says, "Well, honey, they're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ty0s9/a_woman_has_identical_twins_and_gives_them_up_for/
%
What's the difference between the Emoji Movie and Pulp Fiction?

Nazi's didn't start running around a month after Pulp Fiction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6txwtc/whats_the_difference_between_the_emoji_movie_and/
%
A man is sitting in a bar bragging about his dog...

He says his dog can do basic maths and that if anyone asks a basic question and his dog cant answer it, he'll buy them a beer.
So one man says ''What's 1+3?'' and the dog barks 4 times.
Another man asks ''What's 5-2?'' and so the dog barks 3 times.
A large man in a torn and foul-smelling jacket with a missing eye, dirty eye walks up and says ''You think your dog's good? Mine is a carpenter.''
The owner of the maths dog replies saying ''Oh really? Show me then.''
The large man places a huge, snarling, dirty dog in front of himself and shouts ''Tank! Show him!''
The dog jumps up and rips off the owner of the maths dogs' testicles and sprints out of the bar.
The man in excruciating pain screams in agony ''WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!? YOU SAID YOUR DOG COULD DO CARPENTRY AND HE'S RIPPED MY FUCKING BOLLOCKS OFF!''
The large man shrugged his shoulders and said ''He made a bolt for the door didn't he?''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6txu9a/a_man_is_sitting_in_a_bar_bragging_about_his_dog/
%
Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression.

What a sad state of affairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6txte7/oregon_leads_america_in_both_marital_infidelity/
%
A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US..

..so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste.”
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.”
Lawyer: "Ugh. This is kerosene.”
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.”
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6txt1q/a_chinese_doctor_cant_find_a_job_in_a_hospital_in/
%
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6txpj4/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
%
Do you want to know the secret to getting the best handjob you've ever had?

Get them to use their mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6txogx/do_you_want_to_know_the_secret_to_getting_the/
%
My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6txn3h/my_friend_is_visiting_germany_this_week_i/
%
A man walks into a pub and asks the bartender to tell him a story about penises

The bartender says 'Sorry, mate, we don't do cock tales here'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6txmdk/a_man_walks_into_a_pub_and_asks_the_bartender_to/
%
Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?

The prostitute, because she can wash and resell her crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6txltd/who_can_make_more_money_in_a_week_a_drug_dealer/
%
As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6txir1/as_the_kkk_are_so_full_of_hate_bigotry_and_want/
%
If a girl with big boobs works at Hooters, where does a girl with one leg work?

IHOP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6txgvj/if_a_girl_with_big_boobs_works_at_hooters_where/
%
What wasthe white supremacist weatherman's forecast?

Heavy reign, with a chance of heil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6txayl/what_wasthe_white_supremacist_weathermans_forecast/
%
My Friend misses his girl all the time, it makes me mad

I tell him he should just hire a hitman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6twzm6/my_friend_misses_his_girl_all_the_time_it_makes/
%
I sold my guitar to a man with no arms

I said to him "How will this work?"
And he replied "I'm not sure, I'll play it by ear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6twn53/i_sold_my_guitar_to_a_man_with_no_arms/
%
When you turn your computer on it says press any key to continue

My dad learning (and clearly frustrated) with technology says "WHERE THE FUCKS THE ANY KEY"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6twmc2/when_you_turn_your_computer_on_it_says_press_any/
%
A Mexican man cannot find work and finally heads home for the evening.

On his way home, he finds a cross at the bottom of a hill.  So he kneels and prays to God, "Please God, let me find a way to feed my family".
At the top of this hill, a black man was walking home from grocery shopping when the bottom of his bag gave out and a cheese wheel rolled straight down towards the Mexican man.
When the Mexican man opened his eyes, lo-and-behold, there was a gigantic wheel of cheese at his feet.  Overjoyed, he picked up the cheese and ran all the way home.  He showed his wife the cheese and said "Look what God has provided us!  The most glorious cheese I have ever seen!  And, my fair wife, we must make Nachos with this cheese!"
The wife looked perplexed, and asked, "Why husband?  Why must we make nachos?"
The man stood up and proclaimed, "Because God talked to me.  As I was running home, he kept telling me "That's Not'cho Cheese!!!  That's Not'cho Cheese!!!"
(Can't remember the comedian who told this on tv like 25 years ago.  But best joke ever)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6twleq/a_mexican_man_cannot_find_work_and_finally_heads/
%
Rabbits died

My neighbor's pair of pet rabbits died unexpectedly within hours of each other. She was distraught. I suggested she go to my friend the taxidermist. When she arrived, my friend tried to console her and she asked him if he could create a memorial. "Of course", he replied. He explained that he could stuff them and they would almost look lifelike. He asked if she would like them mounted.
"No" she said, "holding paws would be fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6twkjx/rabbits_died/
%
Did you hear about the squirrel who couldn't tell the difference between an acorn and a vagina?

He was fucking nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6twjsf/did_you_hear_about_the_squirrel_who_couldnt_tell/
%
A good joke is like an Ethiopian...

They're dark and they never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6twioh/a_good_joke_is_like_an_ethiopian/
%
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

...None, they just beat the shit out of the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6twezt/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
A blonde walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, I like that TV".

The bartender says, "Sorry, I don't talk to blondes".
The next day the blonde dyes her hair red and walks into the same bar.
She says again, "Hey, I like that TV".
The Bartender says, "Sorry, I don't talk to blondes".
The third day the blonde comes back, this time with her hair dyed brown.
She says again, "Hey, I like that TV".
The Bartender says, "Sorry, I don't talk to blondes".
The woman asks the bartender, "How did you know I was the same person?"
The bartender replies, "Because that's not a TV, that's a microwave".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tw9kz/a_blonde_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_to_the/
%
Nazi's fight a lot of adversity.

*Diversity*. Sorry, typo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tw0js/nazis_fight_a_lot_of_adversity/
%
[Dark Humor] A leaf and an emo falls off a tree. Who hits the ground first?

A leaf, because rope stops emo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tw09n/dark_humor_a_leaf_and_an_emo_falls_off_a_tree_who/
%
If a dude has sex with 20 women he's a stud, but if a woman has sex with 20 men...

Somehow I'm never one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tvw6z/if_a_dude_has_sex_with_20_women_hes_a_stud_but_if/
%
How do you chop an ISIS members dick off?

Kick his 9 year old wife in the jaw!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tvrqq/how_do_you_chop_an_isis_members_dick_off/
%
Marriage.....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tvqrl/marriage/
%
What is the difference between Heaven and Hell???

In Heaven the engineers are german, the police force is formed by englishmen, the cooks are french, the paramours are italians and the whole system is organized by the swiss.
In hell the engineers are french, the police force is formed by german people, the cooks are englishmen, the paramours are swiss, and the whole system is organized by the italians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tvqrk/what_is_the_difference_between_heaven_and_hell/
%
Jesus is watching you

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tvq4w/jesus_is_watching_you/
%
Why did the African 3 year old cry?

He was having a mid-life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tvozk/why_did_the_african_3_year_old_cry/
%
Wrong E-Mail Address

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules together. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: August 14, 2017
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tvlwp/wrong_email_address/
%
I never expected my son to be born with a single, C-shaped testicle

but sometimes life throws you a curveball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tvjt9/i_never_expected_my_son_to_be_born_with_a_single/
%
What's the difference between a circus and a strip club?

You go to one to see cunning stunts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tvdhq/whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a_strip/
%
Why aren't the police making any neo-nazi arrests in murder cases?

There's no dental records and all the DNA matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tvd12/why_arent_the_police_making_any_neonazi_arrests/
%
Did you hear about the psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?

The newspapers read "Beware, small medium at large!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tvcci/did_you_hear_about_the_psychic_dwarf_that_escaped/
%
After getting released from prison, I hear OJ wants to get married again....

I guess he wants to take another stab at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tv8sq/after_getting_released_from_prison_i_hear_oj/
%
Opinions are like mixtapes

I don't want to hear them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tv8s5/opinions_are_like_mixtapes/
%
What do a serial killer and a prolific gardener have in common?

Both of their sheds are filled with hoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tv85x/what_do_a_serial_killer_and_a_prolific_gardener/
%
Why did Prince go looking for Billy Mays when he got to heaven?

He heard he was partying like it's 19.99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tv4zs/why_did_prince_go_looking_for_billy_mays_when_he/
%
Why do mermaids wear seashells?

B shells are too small, and D shells are too big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tv4kw/why_do_mermaids_wear_seashells/
%
I have incontinence,

and I'm tired of this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tv1g1/i_have_incontinence/
%
What is Al-Qaeda's Favourite Football Team?

The New York Jets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tv12b/what_is_alqaedas_favourite_football_team/
%
They say that if you live by the sword, you die by the sword.

Maybe Jesus shouldn't have been a carpenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tuz66/they_say_that_if_you_live_by_the_sword_you_die_by/
%
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought

"That sounds like a fair trade"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tuoj5/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_watch_for_children_and_i/
%
Where do centaurs shop for clothes?

Topman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tuoa6/where_do_centaurs_shop_for_clothes/
%
Did you read that book on gay marriage by the two Irishmen?

Their names are Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tun51/did_you_read_that_book_on_gay_marriage_by_the_two/
%
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that an evil scientist used to experiment on.

His name was FrankEinstein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tuis3/not_many_people_knew_that_albert_einstein_had_a/
%
What did the rapper, The Game, say when 50 cent gifted him a sweater?

Gee, you knit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tuf01/what_did_the_rapper_the_game_say_when_50_cent/
%
Three Trees & a Woodpecker

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tue12/three_trees_a_woodpecker/
%
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tucai/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
What do you call an ugly stripper?

Poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tuatp/what_do_you_call_an_ugly_stripper/
%
What announcement most people are still expecting to hear from Donald Trump?

"Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tuaka/what_announcement_most_people_are_still_expecting/
%
I aced my chemistry test on the pH scale...

It was really basic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tu8hp/i_aced_my_chemistry_test_on_the_ph_scale/
%
White Nationalist should honor the true legacy Robert E. Lee

And surrender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tu6m8/white_nationalist_should_honor_the_true_legacy/
%
What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common?

Icy dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tu671/what_do_the_movies_titanic_and_the_sixth_sense/
%
Spam in the Middle Ages

A prince is awaiting a letter from his loved one for three days and three nights. On the fourth day, a pigeon flies in and drops a letter on his lap. When he opens it he reads:
"Get your sword forged for cheap"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tu5wd/spam_in_the_middle_ages/
%
Two Guys Walk Into a Bar

Third one ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tu439/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How do you chop a neo nazi's dick off?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tu2zy/how_do_you_chop_a_neo_nazis_dick_off/
%
Why is free Wi-Fi never seen in churches?

Because no church wants to be challenged by an invisible power that actually works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tu16j/why_is_free_wifi_never_seen_in_churches/
%
Bad Dog

One winter day, a guy was walking down the street when he saw a mangy old dog lying in the middle of the sidewalk. It was covered in flies and seemed to be barely alive. Rather than try to help it, the guy gave it a sharp kick and laughed as it limped away.
Without warning, the guy became a sick, frail dog. The other dog came back, except it looked well groomed and healthy.
"Mortal," it said. "Your ignorance had lead you to disrespect a god. As punishment, you will spend 7 days as a stray dog.
On day 1, he was given rabies from some rats.
On day 2, he was caught in a fire. Though he survived, he lost all his fur and was given no protection from the cold.
On day 3, he was stoned by a group of children.
On day 4, he was beaten by a hobo over some food.
On day 5, he fell off a fire escape and broke two of his legs.
On day 6, he almost froze to death in a blizzard.
On day 7, he slowly bled to death after being mauled by a crackhead.
In hell, the devil looked over the guy's file. "Must've been a ruff week for you, huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tu0vs/bad_dog/
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If a woman has sex with 10 different men, she's considered a slut, but if a man does the same thing...

...he is gay. Definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tu0fd/if_a_woman_has_sex_with_10_different_men_shes/
%
What has 100 eyes and 2 teeth?

A bus full of old people..
What has 2 eyes and 100 teeth?
A crocodile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ttzy8/what_has_100_eyes_and_2_teeth/
%
Do you know how Edam was invented?

One day a candle maker in Yorkshire was halfway through making a large batch of red candles.
He had been working without a break for many hours, so his wife bought him a plate of cheese for sustenance.
He was so keen to finish working he ignored the food and continued to be engrossed in his labours.
All of a sudden he let out a mighty sneeze and sent the hot red wax flying.
He opened his eyes, and saw that it had completely covered his cheese supper. He cried out in anguish... EEEE DAMN!
(All credit of this joke goes to my father close to 30 years ago... I believed this was a true story for far longer than I will own up to)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ttz8d/do_you_know_how_edam_was_invented/
%
My girlfriend just dumped me. She said I had sex like an avenger.

She really did not appreciate me interrupting the action with funny one-liners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ttybk/my_girlfriend_just_dumped_me_she_said_i_had_sex/
%
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ttxm3/a_university_creative_writing_class_was_asked_to/
%
My boss told me to make a PowerPoint presentation about water parks.

There's loads of slides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ttq66/my_boss_told_me_to_make_a_powerpoint_presentation/
%
A Spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three... He says, "Uno, Dos..." and poof, he's gone.

He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ttpqq/a_spanish_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
%
My girlfriend left me because I got a job as a parking warden.

Fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ttpew/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_i_got_a_job_as_a/
%
I convinced a bunch of people to blow themselves up on the street. Don't believe me?

Come c4 yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ttp8h/i_convinced_a_bunch_of_people_to_blow_themselves/
%
My kid made this one up: How do you make Swiss cheese?

With a holey cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ttm85/my_kid_made_this_one_up_how_do_you_make_swiss/
%
My wife just left me, she always said I was too insecure

Wait, nevermind
She was just in the bathroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ttkwg/my_wife_just_left_me_she_always_said_i_was_too/
%
My wife and I decided that we don't want children...

We're going to tell them tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tti9u/my_wife_and_i_decided_that_we_dont_want_children/
%
I hate Adolf Hitler!

The man who shot that scum must be a saint!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ttfdf/i_hate_adolf_hitler/
%
I was holding a door open for this asian guy and he said "sank you".

I punched him square in the jaw, how dare he bring up pearl harbour like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ttdll/i_was_holding_a_door_open_for_this_asian_guy_and/
%
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ttdjf/a_man_inserted_an_ad_in_the_classifieds_wife/
%
Why could the little boy not see his transgender mother?

Because she was trans-parent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ttcfz/why_could_the_little_boy_not_see_his_transgender/
%
I can't believe that they fired me from the clock making factory!

After all the extra hours I put into it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tt9h5/i_cant_believe_that_they_fired_me_from_the_clock/
%
I walked into a library.

"Have you got any books on single life?" I asked the librarian.
"Sorry," she said. "They're all taken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tt89o/i_walked_into_a_library/
%
When i get naked in the bathroom

The shower gets turned on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tt4l7/when_i_get_naked_in_the_bathroom/
%
Why was the mushroom the life of the party?

Because he was giving out free cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tt1tp/why_was_the_mushroom_the_life_of_the_party/
%
My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tsubv/my_friends_dog_died_the_other_day_so_i_surprised/
%
Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tss46/why_did_the_hipster_drown/
%
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks,

Some asshole's got my pen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tsqyn/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
%
A girl is about to give a black guy a blowjob

But before she takes off the guy's pants, she looks at his bulge and asks him: "Is what people say about black guys true?"
"Yes." He answers
Then he stabs her and steals her TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tsqjn/a_girl_is_about_to_give_a_black_guy_a_blowjob/
%
There is a hero that is a Llama

He is the best at fighting crimes, solving crimes and saving the day. However, a villain outsmarted him. He was faced with saving either Marley Dank or the Llama chick that he liked, he could only choose one to save. I guess you can say that he was having a dillama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tsptz/there_is_a_hero_that_is_a_llama/
%
There's a name for people that believe in horoscopes.

They are called single women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tspqb/theres_a_name_for_people_that_believe_in/
%
A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday

Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.
Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tsnvm/a_fencing_instructor_came_back_to_the_academy/
%
So I jumped onto the money spending train...

... it's so easy once you accept that time is money!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tsmyi/so_i_jumped_onto_the_money_spending_train/
%
What has 7 arms and sucks??

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tsm78/what_has_7_arms_and_sucks/
%
Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?

CrossFit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tsjvr/why_did_jesus_look_so_ripped_during_crucifixion/
%
Bruce Lee walks into a Burger King...

and orders and WHOPPPAAAA!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tsjm2/bruce_lee_walks_into_a_burger_king/
%
I was going to tell a really good anal joke

But it's fucking shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tsiug/i_was_going_to_tell_a_really_good_anal_joke/
%
Self service in the OR

Near the end of my operation, I suddenly woke up and demanded the right to close my incision.
Reluctantly, the surgeon handed me the needle and said, "Suture self.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tsir6/self_service_in_the_or/
%
why did the blind man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tsgog/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_in_the_well/
%
My father always used to say "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

Until the accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tsepi/my_father_always_used_to_say_what_doesnt_kill_you/
%
Two robbers were running away from the crime scene when a bus gets sandwiched between them.

The one in front got tired, and the one behind got exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tsa6u/two_robbers_were_running_away_from_the_crime/
%
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.  Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ts8rg/walking_home_after_a_girls_night_out_two_women/
%
"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ts7ge/daddy_how_do_stars_die/
%
A city guy wanted a farm

A city guy had always wanted to live in the country. had always wanted a farm with cows and chicken, working with his hands and living off of the land. He saw an ad for a farm for sale, cheap. farmer was getting older and couldn't work the land any longer.
The young guy goes to see the farmer and talks to him. The farmer tells him "I got over a hundred acres here, all fenced in. 100 head of cattle, pigs, chickens, and some goats. A tractor, barn, house and you can have it all for free, only you must marry my daughter and I'll have to tell you, she's as ugly as dirt."
you guy says, "That don't bother me, during sex I can always put a bag over her head"
Farmer says "yea, but, she's also as dumb as a bag of rocks."
young guy. "don't care, I want this farm"
so the farmer gives the deed to the farm to the young guy after the wedding.
about 6 months later the new young farmer was working on the barn, he asked his new bride to fetch him the hammer.
she runs in the barn talking to herself "go git da hammer, go git da hammer, go git da hammer"
she come out and throws the hammer up to him. He says "what good is a hammer without any nails? I need some nails"
again, "go git da nails, go git da nail, go git da nails"
she comes back and throws the nails up to him. he's nailing down a loose board when he hits his thumb. "FUCK" he screams
"go git da bag, go git da bag, go git da bag......"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ts4il/a_city_guy_wanted_a_farm/
%
What gender is Google?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ts2xn/what_gender_is_google/
%
What's a sailor's favorite breakfast?

Boatmeal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ts2ow/whats_a_sailors_favorite_breakfast/
%
We have the alt-right, and the new right

When do we get the third right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ts2jo/we_have_the_altright_and_the_new_right/
%
What do you have if you get 14 women from Missouri in a room?

A full set of teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trydm/what_do_you_have_if_you_get_14_women_from/
%
So aliens flew by our planet recently and one asked the other...

Alien 1 How advanced is that civilization?
Alien 2 They have discovered nuclear technology.
Alien 1 Oh boy... That's pretty intelligent. We better keep our distance then from their missles.
Alien 2 Nah, they're not that smart yet. They have em pointed at themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trxz2/so_aliens_flew_by_our_planet_recently_and_one/
%
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trxhk/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
%
Why are there no more civil war reenactments any more?

Half the guys keep getting into fights and being arrested on their way to events.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trxe4/why_are_there_no_more_civil_war_reenactments_any/
%
Why does the US military use digital camo?

They turned down the graphics for better performance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trw41/why_does_the_us_military_use_digital_camo/
%
Martian Babies

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things.
Finally, they get around to the subject of where babies come from.
"Just how do you guys do it?" ask the Earthlings.
“We’ll show you”, the Martians say.
Each Martian holds out two fingers – they touch and rub each other’s hands until a few minutes later a fully formed tiny Martian appears and drops on to the ground and waddles away.
The Martians turn to the Earthlings and ask, “OK, it’s your turn, how do you do it”?
So, a little self-consciously, the Earth couple take off their spacesuits and fuck.
When they finish, the Martians ask them “OK, but where’s the baby”?
“Oh”, they reply, “the baby will be here in 9 months.”
“9 months”, the Martians exclaim, “then what was the big fucking hurry at the end”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trvxq/martian_babies/
%
Where does a cowboy go to find love?

On Yee-Harmony.
(C) I tell jokes at work & honestly made this one up, I'm pretty stoked, please share if you liked it!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trubx/where_does_a_cowboy_go_to_find_love/
%
Roses are red, violets are blue

My girlfriend is gone
This coconut will do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tru7x/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
If adam and eve were Chinese

Then we would still be in paradise as they would eat the snake instead of the apple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trrxw/if_adam_and_eve_were_chinese/
%
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trqv1/a_police_recruit_was_asked_during_the_exam_what/
%
What do you call a Canadian tampon?

A beaver dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trndm/what_do_you_call_a_canadian_tampon/
%
TIFU getting ready for my HIV test.

I spent hours "cramming" the night before the test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trkte/tifu_getting_ready_for_my_hiv_test/
%
If it wasn't for Muslims, we wouldn't have had 9/11...

It would have been IX/XI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trksl/if_it_wasnt_for_muslims_we_wouldnt_have_had_911/
%
What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut you f*cking racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trjvh/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_on_the_moon/
%
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trj8m/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
%
To find a women you need time and money

; therefore *Women=Time+Money*
But "Time is Money", therefore: Time=Money and so *Women=Money*Money*  or Money^2
But "Money is the root of all Problems", therefore: *Money=√All_Problems*
using those two absolutes we can say that
Women=(√All_Problems)^2
**Women=All_Problems**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trj53/to_find_a_women_you_need_time_and_money/
%
Just for shits and giggles....

I put laxatives in the pot brownies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trhx1/just_for_shits_and_giggles/
%
How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?

Give them some sheet music

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6trdpw/how_do_you_get_a_guitarist_to_stop_playing/
%
A man came home to his wife who had the BDSM equipment out [NSFW]

Wife: "Come and play with me"
Man: "Okay..."
He tied her down, and one of the things the woman was into was using objects that aren't meant for sexual use for her pleasure.
So, the man went into the backyard and got a wooden post from the fence.
He walked back in and slid the post up the woman's ass, but it slid out. He tried again and again, but every time it fell out. The man asked himself what could be wrong.
And then he realized, there was just simply too much reposting on this sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tr7aa/a_man_came_home_to_his_wife_who_had_the_bdsm/
%
What does a dog call an unpaved road?

Ruff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tr5o3/what_does_a_dog_call_an_unpaved_road/
%
Last night I ate 2 pieces of string cheese...

This morning they came out tied together. I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tr4rk/last_night_i_ate_2_pieces_of_string_cheese/
%
I think the phrase, "My body is a temple" is completely untrue...

I don't know about other people, but my body is like a Catholic Church It's full of wine, bread and guilt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tr4en/i_think_the_phrase_my_body_is_a_temple_is/
%
I realized I was getting older when I saw a young lady walking down the street and thought to myself.

I wonder what HER mom looks like....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tr1a7/i_realized_i_was_getting_older_when_i_saw_a_young/
%
Some people are like a slinky.

Not good for anything, but still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqzw6/some_people_are_like_a_slinky/
%
Why can't you email photos to jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqyj5/why_cant_you_email_photos_to_jedi/
%
My rich father just REFUSES to die!

It's unbereaveable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqy89/my_rich_father_just_refuses_to_die/
%
Two mimes are eating a cannibal clown

One turns to the other and says

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqx7a/two_mimes_are_eating_a_cannibal_clown/
%
Why can't diabetics get revenge?

Because revenge is sweet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqtn6/why_cant_diabetics_get_revenge/
%
What did the muslim man say as he was driving recklessly and passing other cars at dawn?

"Sorry, gotta go fast"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqrbm/what_did_the_muslim_man_say_as_he_was_driving/
%
Went to the doctors office today, turns out I'm colorblind...

The diagnosis really came out of the green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqqzy/went_to_the_doctors_office_today_turns_out_im/
%
Jupiter heard from Neptune that Pluto was pregnant.

Jupiter said to Pluto "Congratulations! I was surprised to hear that you're expecting!"
To which Pluto replied "Thanks. Yeah, I definitely didn't planet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqpfi/jupiter_heard_from_neptune_that_pluto_was_pregnant/
%
Women should not have children after 35.

I mean really, 35 children is already a lot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqoki/women_should_not_have_children_after_35/
%
A lion would never cheat on his wife.

But a Tiger Wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqmbz/a_lion_would_never_cheat_on_his_wife/
%
I went to the doctor for a rash...

Doctor: What toiletries are you using?
Me: Steven’s soap, Steven’s shampoo, Steven’s toothpaste and Steven’s toothbrush.
Doctor: Huh, so is Steven’s a foreign brand?
Me: No, Steven is my roommate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqm0m/i_went_to_the_doctor_for_a_rash/
%
Racecar backwards is still racecar

But racecar sideways is how Dale Earnhardt died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqkug/racecar_backwards_is_still_racecar/
%
JFK had a dirty mind...

The last thing on his mind was Jackie's dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqkhk/jfk_had_a_dirty_mind/
%
What's 50 feet long and has 7 teeth?

The front row of a Neo nazi rally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqdlh/whats_50_feet_long_and_has_7_teeth/
%
[Walks into a bar] Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles walk into a bar.

Then they both walk into a wall. Then Stevie walks into a chair. You can probably see where this is going... too bad they can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tqb37/walks_into_a_bar_stevie_wonder_and_ray_charles/
%
My wife says she doesn't understand why people say adulting is so hard.

Sure, she spells it adultering but she is always going out to do that with her friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tq9tm/my_wife_says_she_doesnt_understand_why_people_say/
%
It's like my uncle said right before he got arrested - "You can't teach an old dog...

to suck dick."
The state of California frowns on that sort of thing, Uncle Jimmy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tq727/its_like_my_uncle_said_right_before_he_got/
%
One foggy morning on the border of England and Scotland...

...a Scottish voice came out from within the dense fog.
"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen."
The English general stationed at the border took offense and sent down 10 of his soldiers. There were sounds of a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
"Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishmen."
With this the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice:
"Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishmen."
Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later:
"Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishmen."
By this time, the English general had enough and was about to go down himself, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp.
As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, it's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tq6vn/one_foggy_morning_on_the_border_of_england_and/
%
What would you call the tiki torch brigade in Charlottesville if they formed a band?

Vanilla Isis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tq5en/what_would_you_call_the_tiki_torch_brigade_in/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman,

a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese,
a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo,
a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard,
a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Polack,
a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard,
a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian,
a German, an Indian, an Italian,
a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African,
a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean,
a Argentinian, a Lithuanian, a Dane,
a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli,
a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb,
a Czech, and a Swiss man go to a pub..............
The bouncer says, "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tq4vw/an_englishman_a_scotsman_an_irishman/
%
What was Kim Jong Un's favorite class in school?

Literature. He is a supreme reader after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tq381/what_was_kim_jong_uns_favorite_class_in_school/
%
How do Mexican people cut their Pizza?

With Little Caesars!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tq2y2/how_do_mexican_people_cut_their_pizza/
%
Two Men Go Camping

After a day of roughing it in the woods, they go to sleep in their tent. Later in the night one wakes the other.
"Look up, and tell me what you see."
"I see a starry sky."
"What does that tell you?"
"That there are millions of stars, and there are planets revolving around some of those stars, some of those planets containing an environment to house life on its surface. Maybe that life is intelligent, and we'll one day meet that life, and find out that we not alone in this galaxy."
"No you mook, someone stole our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tpwqg/two_men_go_camping/
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Three men sneak into a barn

They are forced to sleep on the same haystack. The morning after, the dude on the left says, "I had a dream that I was getting the best handjob!" The dude on the right says, "Holy shit, I had the same dream!" The dude in the middle goes,"I dreamt that I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tpwog/three_men_sneak_into_a_barn/
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The founding fathers of Canada are sitting in front of a map filling in names for cities...

Pierre: "I suppose the capital there should have a name, too, me."
Gaton "ought to, uh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tpw69/the_founding_fathers_of_canada_are_sitting_in/
%
If I am holding a bee, what is in my eye?

Beauty.
Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tpt4t/if_i_am_holding_a_bee_what_is_in_my_eye/
%
My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tpowx/my_mother_used_to_say_the_way_to_a_mans_heart_is/
%
I've spent years looking for my girlfriend's killer

But no one will do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tpobj/ive_spent_years_looking_for_my_girlfriends_killer/
%
Chasing your dreams is a terrible idea...

At least that's what my restraining order says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tpo1c/chasing_your_dreams_is_a_terrible_idea/
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Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist?

Because they're not-z's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tpk5t/why_are_the_first_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
Why did the redneck cross the road?

He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tpj8p/why_did_the_redneck_cross_the_road/
%
So, a physicist finds themselves conversing with their god

"God, " they inquired, "how does time work for you?"
God replies, "Everything is a part of me. To compare, 1 of your minutes is but a billionth of 1 of my own."
The physicist thinks for a bit and then queries further, "God, do you use such a scale for everything?"
God nods, "Yes, as all things are part of me."
At this the physicist grins, "If that's the case, could you spare a dollar?"
God grins back, "I'd be happy to, but you'll need to wait a minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tpizj/so_a_physicist_finds_themselves_conversing_with/
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College is the opposite of kidnapping

They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tpapt/college_is_the_opposite_of_kidnapping/
%
So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II and she says

"Watch Francis! With a wave of my hand I can make every loyal subject go completly hysterical." So she waves her hand and every loyal subject goes completly apeshit.
Then Pope Francis tells her "Well Elizabeth with a wave of my hand, I can give every Irishman and Scotsman eternal joy." To which she replies "Pha, I would like to se you try!"
So he slaps her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tp9dz/so_the_pope_visits_queen_elizabeth_ii_and_she_says/
%
It's all shits and giggles...

...until someone giggles and shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tp5c7/its_all_shits_and_giggles/
%
A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked.

But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"
"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tp5c4/a_young_boy_was_kissed_by_a_girl_he_really_liked/
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What did the yoga student say to her yoga teacher when he told her to leave?

She said nah-ima-stay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tp4bq/what_did_the_yoga_student_say_to_her_yoga_teacher/
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Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had four doors, they would be chicken sedans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tp3bx/why_do_chicken_coops_have_two_doors/
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My wife called me a phedophile...

Now that's big words for a 9 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tp03m/my_wife_called_me_a_phedophile/
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What do you call a pile of kittens

A meowtain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tozzu/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_kittens/
%
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now.

How long does it take to have a baby, for fuck sake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tozuv/been_waiting_at_the_pub_for_my_wife_to_pick_me_up/
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Three Guys are Sitting on a Bridge...

After a long day of work, all three of them decide to pop open their lunchboxes and chow down.
Guy 1: "PB&J Again? I swear I'm gonna jump right off this bridge if I ever have to eat this again"
Guy 2: "Ugh Leftover Tuna-fish, if I so much as smell it again I'm gonna jump right off this bridge."
Guy 3: "I'm so tired of eating ham Sandwhiches, if I ever eat this again I'm gonna jump off this bridge."
The next day they all three get the same lunches, and all hop off the bridge to their death. At their funeral their wives meet up sobbing.
Wife 1: "If he had just told me he didn't like PB&J's I'd have made him something different!"
Wife 2: "I thought he loved tuna fish, why didn't he tell me?"
Wife 3: "Dumbass should have stopped packing his own lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tozbu/three_guys_are_sitting_on_a_bridge/
%
What do you call a female to male sex change?

Adadictomy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tow8y/what_do_you_call_a_female_to_male_sex_change/
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My wife said,"I'm leaving you as you keep telling everyone you're a Transformer."

I said,"please don't,I can change."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tovwv/my_wife_saidim_leaving_you_as_you_keep_telling/
%
What do you call a really good fisher?

A master baiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tousw/what_do_you_call_a_really_good_fisher/
%
If a man says something in a forest, and a woman isn't around

Is he still wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6toqxz/if_a_man_says_something_in_a_forest_and_a_woman/
%
Why didn't the banana like the cow?

The cow wasn't very a-peel-ing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tol4r/why_didnt_the_banana_like_the_cow/
%
Juan, if you fell ill, what would you do?

Teacher: "Juan, if you fell ill, what would you do?"
Juan: "Go to bed."
Teacher: "But... before that?"
Juan: "I take the clothes off!"
Teacher: "Wouldn't you go to the doctor?"
Juan: "No, no doctor! Doctor killed my uncle in Madrid!"
Teacher: "Really?"
Juan: "Si! My uncle, he has pain in the chest, he go see doctor. Doctor say: 'It's all right!' Ten minutes later in the street my uncle: bght – Finito!"
Teacher: "Was it a heart-attack?"
Juan: "No. Motor-car!"
Teacher: "Well, you can hardly blame the doctor for that."
Juan: "Si! The doctor – he was driving the motor-car!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tokx2/juan_if_you_fell_ill_what_would_you_do/
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A police officer pulls over a woman for speeding... (good old #4032)

...And they have the following exchange?
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I stole this car.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver indeed owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
It turns out the trunk is empty.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tokin/a_police_officer_pulls_over_a_woman_for_speeding/
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How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?

Give her a couple test tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6todvn/how_can_you_tell_if_a_woman_is_ticklish/
%
Why didn't Jesus make the basketball team?

Because he only throws Hail Mary's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6todb4/why_didnt_jesus_make_the_basketball_team/
%
What TV show can you compare to the 2016 US presidential elections?

Orange is the new black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6toc7t/what_tv_show_can_you_compare_to_the_2016_us/
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Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tobxl/why_did_the_bald_man_paint_rabbits_on_his_head/
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Adam and August

A young man named Adam used to have a crush on a girl, her name was August. He was texting her everyday, though he had a huge boner everytime he was doing so, he just couldn't resist at all. He could see her without popping a boner pretty easily actually, but talking to her without having one was an impossible task.
The young man decided one day to go and ask her out, by message obviously, since he didn't want August to see his boner when he was talking to her. He knew that she would never go on a date with him, after all, she was the sexiest girl of the whole college, and Adam was a bit of a nerd. He still sent his message, and got a very surprising answer. August told him that she was also having a crush on Adam since 2 months or so.
Adam and August then texted for almost 4 hours, but because it was starting to get really late, and they both wanted to go to sleep, the young girl asked Adam:
- "Can I come to your place tomorrow? We're on vacation after all."
Adam, without hesitation, immediately answered positively, and that she could come at 8PM since his parents wouldn't even be at home. They then went both to sleep, though as Adam was starting to fall asleep, he then realised that he had done a big mistake. How was he going to hide his boner when August would come at his place? He really didn't want her to see it, he actually never talked to her in college before, so it wasn't a big deal until now. He then thought that ducktaping his dick to one of his legs would do the trick just fine, she wouldn't see any boner at all, why not after all, I mean you guys are fucking coconuts so yeah.
So the next day, at around 6:30PM, Adam started, well, ducktaping his dick to his right leg, as he thought that he had put enough ducktape, he then proceeded to put his trousers back up.
It's 8PM, his new girlfriend is coming at his frontdoor. The bell rings, Adam is ready. He opens up the door, August is about to give him a kiss that HE FUCKING KICKS HER IN THE FACE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6to9y8/adam_and_august/
%
Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6to9xt/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first/
%
Joey always knew her husband would come crawling back to her one day.

She'd stolen his wheelchair many years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6to9kr/joey_always_knew_her_husband_would_come_crawling/
%
What was Jesus's favorite exercise program?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6to6eo/what_was_jesuss_favorite_exercise_program/
%
A man was being chased by a casket as he returned home late at night....

Desperate, he rushed into the bathroom that no one in the house ever uses and slammed the door shut.
As the thumping of the casket trying to break through the door echoed through the rather empty bathroom, the man frantically searched the place for something he can fight the casket with, however, as the bathroom was left unused for ages, the only item he could find was a half empty bottle of cough syrup.
While the man was kicking himself for choosing this bathroom instead of literally any other room in the house, the casket broke the bathroom door Jack Torrance style: "HEEEEEREEEEE's......", the man panicked and flung the bottle of cough syrup towards the casket.
The coffin stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6to3n2/a_man_was_being_chased_by_a_casket_as_he_returned/
%
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

A horse-pital!
Haha just kidding, they get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6to2cj/where_does_a_horse_go_when_it_gets_sick/
%
What do you call it when Donkey Kong gets a cavity?

Tooth DK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6to1at/what_do_you_call_it_when_donkey_kong_gets_a_cavity/
%
I see there is a lot of tension between /u/Waterguy12 and /u/fireguy12 recently...

It's really been steaming up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnzdu/i_see_there_is_a_lot_of_tension_between/
%
My Lesbian Neighbors got me a Rolex for my Birthday...

...I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnyhd/my_lesbian_neighbors_got_me_a_rolex_for_my/
%
What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

A little hoarse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnvnm/what_do_you_call_a_pony_with_a_sore_throat/
%
Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?

Tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnv9z/why_did_the_mexican_throw_his_wife_off_a_cliff/
%
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's bill withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnv4j/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
%
There’s a big difference between a boy or a girl saying

“I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tns0d/theres_a_big_difference_between_a_boy_or_a_girl/
%
My girlfriend wanted me to reenact that scene from Dirty Dancing

So I went to a holiday camp and slept with a 17 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnrbb/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_reenact_that_scene/
%
My wife's got Meatloaf underwear.

On the front they say, 'I would do anything for love'. On the rear they say, 'But I won't do that'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnprf/my_wifes_got_meatloaf_underwear/
%
I saw Al Gore talking about rising sea levels the other day...

He really needs to come to terms with losing Florida.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnp2f/i_saw_al_gore_talking_about_rising_sea_levels_the/
%
I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnohg/i_really_thought_activision_understood_that_were/
%
The rabbi moves next to the priest.

On the first day, the priest sees how dirty is the car of the rabbi, and he washes the vehicle, as an act of courtesy. When he wakes up on the next morning he hears the sound of a hack saw. He looks through the window, and sees that the rabbi just cut down the end of his car's exhaust pipe. The priest is very upset and runs from the house, while he is cring. He asks: Why did you do that?
The rabbi replys: You just batized  my car, so I circumsise your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnn0t/the_rabbi_moves_next_to_the_priest/
%
I asked my friend if he's ever tried putting it in the other hole.

"Are you crazy?!" He replied, "I don't want to risk getting her pregnant!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnjpz/i_asked_my_friend_if_hes_ever_tried_putting_it_in/
%
A farmer is outside tending his sheep

When a car driving by loses control and drives right in to the end of the farmers fence ripping the post out of the ground. The driver sees the farmer running over so he gets out of his car and yells "I'm okay I'm okay!"
The farmer says "I don't care about you! You just destroyed my whole fence!" So the driver says "It's just one post, if you have a shovel, I'll put it back in the ground for you"
The farmer, extremely flustered, says "Are you crazy?! You can't repost! Everyone who sees it will cry and complain!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnhc3/a_farmer_is_outside_tending_his_sheep/
%
Jack and Jill went up a hill,

So Jack could lick her candy,
Well Jack got a shock and mouthful of cock,
'Cause Jill's real name was randy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnh0o/jack_and_jill_went_up_a_hill/
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What do Jonestown and my jokes have in common?

killer punch lines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tngen/what_do_jonestown_and_my_jokes_have_in_common/
%
Is google a boy or girl?

Obviously a girl because it wont let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tng5k/is_google_a_boy_or_girl/
%
When my mother died all my father said was, "Cough, fatigue, fever."

He's a man of flu words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnfhb/when_my_mother_died_all_my_father_said_was_cough/
%
After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife.

She said, "I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!"
I said, "That's the point."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnesn/after_getting_the_windows_on_my_car_tinted_black/
%
A very common male fantasy, is to have two women at the same time...

one to cook, one to clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tne6e/a_very_common_male_fantasy_is_to_have_two_women/
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What do you call a hypebeast that only wears white clothes?

A white Supremeacist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tndwy/what_do_you_call_a_hypebeast_that_only_wears/
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Trump is really bringing the nation together...

Everyone I know seems to be rallying behind "Fuck Trump".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tndk7/trump_is_really_bringing_the_nation_together/
%
Honeymoon Night

John and Sally had married yesterday. Today, at breakfast, the whole family shows up except the newlyweds. The aunts are snickering and asking "Huh, I wonder why they're not here...".
John's younger brother speaks up: "Actually, I think I know..." but gets shushed by the family.
At lunch, the same happens. Everyone is winking at each other and asking "I wonder what they're doing?!". John's younger brother speaks up again: "I believe they..." but gets shushed again.
At tea, the relatives are actually beginning to get worried. "Well, this is strange. What ARE they doing?".
John's little brother shouts "I've been trying to tell you all day! Last night, John came by my room and asked whether I had some lube. And I think I accidently gave him a tube of superglue.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnb23/honeymoon_night/
%
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up

!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnat4/teacher_anyone_who_thinks_hes_stupid_may_stand_up/
%
What did the perverted frog say?

Rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tnaim/what_did_the_perverted_frog_say/
%
The girl I'm dating just said those three magic words.

"I am infertile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tna6r/the_girl_im_dating_just_said_those_three_magic/
%
What do you call a cooked bug?

A French fly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tn9jj/what_do_you_call_a_cooked_bug/
%
[long] A plane did an emergency landing on the water.

The stewardess wanna let the passengers slide down to the lifeboats but the passengers refused.
The stewardess seek help from the captain The very knowledgeable captain said..
'You tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE.
Tell the British this is an HONOUR,
Tell the French this is ROMANTIC,
Tell the Germans this is the LAW.
Tell the Japanese this is an ORDER, and all shall be sorted out.'
The stewardess asked awkwardly,
then how about the CHINESE?'
The captain laughed.
'Easy, just tell them it is FREE.'
The stewardess suddenly recalled.
'There are a few SINGAPOREANS!'
The captain patiently explained,
'You need not tell SINGAPOREANS anything, they will follow wherever there is a Queue.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tn95g/long_a_plane_did_an_emergency_landing_on_the_water/
%
What do you call twin brothers?

A sunset

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tn5k9/what_do_you_call_twin_brothers/
%
A naked women robbed a bank.

Nobody could remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tn5av/a_naked_women_robbed_a_bank/
%
I was never all that into facial hair...

But it's grown on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tn4fh/i_was_never_all_that_into_facial_hair/
%
How does pizza sauce introduce itself at a fiesta?

Yo no soy marinara

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tn4b3/how_does_pizza_sauce_introduce_itself_at_a_fiesta/
%
What do you get when you get a bunch of white supremacists drunk?

Racial slurs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tn2uz/what_do_you_get_when_you_get_a_bunch_of_white/
%
Don't be frightened if you see a Pokemon Go player outside your bathroom window.

He's just trying to catch a pikachu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tn28v/dont_be_frightened_if_you_see_a_pokemon_go_player/
%
My band's first gig was a lot like the shit I took this morning

Surprisingly solid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tmywm/my_bands_first_gig_was_a_lot_like_the_shit_i_took/
%
What's the difference between a Nazi and a trampoline?

You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tmwh8/whats_the_difference_between_a_nazi_and_a/
%
A programmer is heading to the store

and gets a text from his wife:
While you are out, buy some eggs
He never returned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tmsva/a_programmer_is_heading_to_the_store/
%
Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip..

..and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still mad, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home sweetie," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tmslb/wife_arrives_home_late_at_night_from_a_business/
%
What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tmnto/whats_the_difference_between_three_dicks_and_a/
%
Why did the Japanese parents insist of having a daughter?

Because they didn't want another Little Boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tmmlo/why_did_the_japanese_parents_insist_of_having_a/
%
If you leave a grape out in the sun, it'll shrivel and dry up...

Just raisin awareness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tmkst/if_you_leave_a_grape_out_in_the_sun_itll_shrivel/
%
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tmic8/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_forest_and_no_one_is/
%
Early finish for me today so I rang the wife

and asked her if I should pick up fish and chips on the way home. She clearly still regrets letting me name the kids....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tmhit/early_finish_for_me_today_so_i_rang_the_wife/
%
What is the only drink size in North Korea?

A supreme liter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tmflz/what_is_the_only_drink_size_in_north_korea/
%
I texted my wife "I can't wait to get home and rip your panties off"

Mainly because they're really starting to crush my balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tmdip/i_texted_my_wife_i_cant_wait_to_get_home_and_rip/
%
The only things Americans exercise

Is their freedom of speech

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tmc31/the_only_things_americans_exercise/
%
The Donald

President Trump walks into a local bank in New York to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Trump:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Donald Trump, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Trump:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Trump:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Melania for Valentine’s Day"
Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andy Roddick came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Trump:
Trump stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tmakz/the_donald/
%
What do you call a priest who dresses in nuns' clothing?

A transistor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tma5a/what_do_you_call_a_priest_who_dresses_in_nuns/
%
A man goes to see his Rabbi for counsel

"Rabbi, we don't have place in our house anymore! My family is too numerous. What should we do?"
The Rabbi: "Just bring your biggest cow to live inside with you"
The man is confused: "What? This will make things even worse!"
The Rabbi: "Trust me, live two weeks with the cow inside the house and then come back here."
After two weeks, the man comes back to the Rabbi: "Rabbi, we did as you suggested. What now?"
The Rabbi: "Now bring the cow back outside."
(An example of Jewish *witz*)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tm7n6/a_man_goes_to_see_his_rabbi_for_counsel/
%
A plane was flying through some turbulence

The pilot announced this to the passengers.
"Hello everyone sorry for the interruption but we are flying through some turbulence please fasten your sea- OW FUCK IT BURNS AHHH HELP SHIT"
Then the speaker went off. A few seconds later the pilot returned to the speaker.
"Sorry everyone I spilled my coffee on my self now it's all over my pants."
One of the passengers responded to the captain.
"Who cares about your pants? We just all pissed ourselves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tm7gp/a_plane_was_flying_through_some_turbulence/
%
They say men can't multitask, but I can.

I just double tap the home button

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tm64o/they_say_men_cant_multitask_but_i_can/
%
"Wow you went on a 2 week honeymoon trip to London, Paris and Venice, what all did you see ?"

Newly married bride : Ceiling fans
Edit : this joke is funnier in India as they have taboo on premarital sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tm5d1/wow_you_went_on_a_2_week_honeymoon_trip_to_london/
%
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

cause they have big fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tm1wh/why_do_gorillas_have_big_nostrils/
%
You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tlw7j/youre_the_only_reason_i_get_out_of_bed_in_the/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tlura/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
How do you call a bouncy airplane?

A Boing.
P.S. I came up with this on my own, yet have a feeling it mist've been here already, so please tell me if it's a repost. Thanks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tlucw/how_do_you_call_a_bouncy_airplane/
%
#2020

In the year 2020 we're going to have a lot of bad puns about vision.
I can't wait to see them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tltxb/2020/
%
An Asian couple had an albino baby.

Just goes to show, 2 Wongs can make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tlrwz/an_asian_couple_had_an_albino_baby/
%
What’s the difference between Trump and a stripper?

Strippers climb polls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tlros/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_a_stripper/
%
My girlfriend and I watched 3 movies back to back on Netflix

Good thing I was facing the TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tlquk/my_girlfriend_and_i_watched_3_movies_back_to_back/
%
Neo nazis are like cats...

If they like you, you're probably feeding them
Source: last week tonight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tlo2p/neo_nazis_are_like_cats/
%
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit.

They are usually around 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tlksa/if_you_ever_get_cold_just_stand_in_a_corner_for_a/
%
What did Newton say when that apple fell on his head?

O mg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tlj6u/what_did_newton_say_when_that_apple_fell_on_his/
%
An Asian Guy and a white girl (NSFW)

So an Asian guy met a white girl at the bar one night. They got alone pretty well and ended up going back to the girl's place. Things started to get really heated and the Asian guy is now on top of this girl. The girl looked deeply into his eyes and asked "Is it true what they say about Asian guys?". So the guy jumped off, went to her computer cleared all the malicious software like viruses and updated it to the most recent Windows. He then grabbed the girl's cat and made stir fry. He then ran away into his car with the girl's dog for takeaway. As he was backing out the driveway with the dog he crashed three times into the girl's car before successfully leaving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tlica/an_asian_guy_and_a_white_girl_nsfw/
%
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar

. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.
"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."
The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"
"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tldn9/an_antisemite_is_drinking_in_a_bar/
%
I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tldm9/ill_never_forget_what_my_grandad_told_me_before/
%
Who is the Supreme leader of House Techno Music?

Kim Jong Untz-untz-untz-untz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tlb5d/who_is_the_supreme_leader_of_house_techno_music/
%
A Cosmopolitan magazine poll revealed that 29% of women have never masturbated.

Meanwhile, 29% of men masturbated just reading about the poll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tl7vo/a_cosmopolitan_magazine_poll_revealed_that_29_of/
%
Doctor, my son thinks he’s a chicken.

A man visits a psychiatrist, saying, “Doctor, my son thinks he’s a chicken.” The psychiatrist suggests that the boy be sent to an institution. “We’d like to do that,” says the man, “but we need the eggs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tl6v9/doctor_my_son_thinks_hes_a_chicken/
%
Don't trust people who avoid the sun.

They're shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tl6it/dont_trust_people_who_avoid_the_sun/
%
Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office

Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."
Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tl55o/bill_gates_and_donald_trump_are_alone_in_the_oval/
%
A boy goes to sit beside a girl in library.

A boy looks around in library to find a girl sitting alone. He goes to her and says, "Can I sit beside you?"
She replies loudly, "I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the library looks at the boy in shock. He slows moves to another table quite embarrassed.
A few minutes later, the girl comes to sit beside the boy and says, "I am a psychology student. I know how to make you feel embarrassed."
To which the boy replies even louder, "1000$ FOR ONE NIGHT?! THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
Everyone in the library looks at the girl, even more shocked.
The boy leans towards the girl and says, "I'm a law student. I know how to make you feel guilty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tl3cq/a_boy_goes_to_sit_beside_a_girl_in_library/
%
If someone who speaks 3 languages is trilingual, and someone who speaks 2 is bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only 1?

American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tl1xw/if_someone_who_speaks_3_languages_is_trilingual/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I liked the nudes she sent me

I told her they came in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkzpx/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_liked_the_nudes_she/
%
Female pharmacist

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her twin sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection no matter how many times I get it off. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkz91/female_pharmacist/
%
Hickory, Dickory, Dock ...

Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the rest escaped with minor injuries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkuuc/hickory_dickory_dock/
%
When a girl doesn't reply to my text

I feel honored because i made her speechless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tktgy/when_a_girl_doesnt_reply_to_my_text/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar...

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20"
The second chemist says, "I'll have some H20 as well."
The first chemist kicks himself as his assassination attempt fails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkpu0/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkol9/little_april_was_not_the_best_student_in_sunday/
%
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkl9n/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
%
I recently went to a zoo, and the only animal on display was a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkj49/i_recently_went_to_a_zoo_and_the_only_animal_on/
%
What do you call a world renowned linguist?

A figure of speech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkhfe/what_do_you_call_a_world_renowned_linguist/
%
Southern Baptist will get this.

A guy is stranded on a deserted island and has a big SOS made of rocks and a fire burning down on the beach. hoping for rescue.
Finally, after about a year a ship sees his fire and sends a rescue boat to the island. The rescuer gets out of the boat and sees the guy standing on the beach in front of 3 huts.
The rescuer asks "why do you have 3 huts here?"
the guy says, "well, the one on the left is my home and the one in the middle is where I go to church."
Rescuer asks "so, what's the one on the right for?"
"Oh, that's where I USED to go to church."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkf6y/southern_baptist_will_get_this/
%
A mother of 8 decides to get plastic surgery...

On her vagina to restore the tightness of her youth. She shaves and cleans her nether region and goes in for surgery. When the procedure is finished, she wakes up to find three roses laying on her bed. Curious, she asks her nurse:
"Who are these roses from?"
The nurse responds:
"The first rose is from your husband. He says he can't wait to get you home so he can make love to you like the 'good old days.' The second rose is from the doctor. He said you were a great patient, and wanted to thank you for leaving such a clean work area."
The woman thinks to herself for a second, then asks:
"And what about the third rose?"
The nurse responds:
"That's from Dave in burn unit. He wanted to thank you for the new ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tken9/a_mother_of_8_decides_to_get_plastic_surgery/
%
Hospital and Cop

*In class*
Teacher: "Jay, why are you down today?"
Jay: "Because my mom is at the hospital and my dad's at the police station."
Teacher: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, dear. Do you want to go home?"
Jay: "Yes, please."
After Jay has left the classroom, the teacher asks the other classmates, "Why is Jay's father at the police station and his mother at the hospital?"
Classmate: "Because his father is a policeman and his mom's a nurse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkdns/hospital_and_cop/
%
I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind.

Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.
(Credit to Mitch Hedberg)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkdmm/i_saw_a_commercial_on_late_night_tv_it_said/
%
Some men are leg men; some men are breast men

Me? I enjoy the whole chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkd0m/some_men_are_leg_men_some_men_are_breast_men/
%
What's the best thing to beat a dead horse with?

A coconut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkcgr/whats_the_best_thing_to_beat_a_dead_horse_with/
%
Sick Of Hearing Blonde Jokes

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown.
A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "
O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkayg/sick_of_hearing_blonde_jokes/
%
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tkau3/why_does_north_korea_excel_at_drawing_straight/
%
Trump walks into a bar and Is suprised to see the bartender is a genie

The genie says "what'll you have?" Trump says"give me something I'll regret in the morning" The genie gives him a conscience, empathy, and humility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tk8rl/trump_walks_into_a_bar_and_is_suprised_to_see_the/
%
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tk80r/a_little_boy_walks_into_his_parents_room_to_see/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tk5nd/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_were_going_camping/
%
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them suddenly collapses

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.  Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tk53n/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital.
Lol, just joking they get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tk4pt/where_do_horses_go_when_they_get_sick/
%
Fried Chicken

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tk439/fried_chicken/
%
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife. She asked "How many potatoes would you like?"

I said, "I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite."
"Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tk1s6/i_was_having_dinner_with_my_boss_and_his_wife_she/
%
racecar backwards is racecar

Racecar sideways is what killed Paul Walker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tk1kh/racecar_backwards_is_racecar/
%
What do PC Master Race people identify as politically?

The Alt-Tab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tjyiz/what_do_pc_master_race_people_identify_as/
%
What sounds like a pin hitting the floor, but louder?

A PIN HITTING THE FLOOR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tjxi1/what_sounds_like_a_pin_hitting_the_floor_but/
%
College taught me a valuable lesson.

I'm still paying for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tjv4t/college_taught_me_a_valuable_lesson/
%
The human brain is like the internet, always adapting, discovering

and 90% porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tjkq6/the_human_brain_is_like_the_internet_always/
%
What do you call a drunk piece of wood?

Hammered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tjk8o/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_piece_of_wood/
%
*Knock knock*

Who's there?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Never mind, there's no point...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tjfff/knock_knock/
%
Photons have mass?

I didn't even know they were Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tje3b/photons_have_mass/
%
I, for one,

like Roman numerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tjd6f/i_for_one/
%
An Engagement Request

A young prince was courting a nearby princess. She was exceedingly beautiful, but not well off; her parents insisted that she entertain the request, as his kingdom was very wealthy.
So she told him, "I will only marry you on three conditions; the first is that you build me a palace covered in jewels."
He said, "ok, ok, I build, I build."
Thinking perhaps that was too easy, she said "my second condition is that you must send 500,000 soldiers to look after my kingdom."
He sweats a bit, makes a couple phone calls, and finally says "ok, ok, I send, I send."
Now she's a bit panicked. He's not at all attractive, and she had her eye on another less well off prince. So she says, "my third condition is I will only marry a man with a 12 inch penis."
Now he's visibly shaken. He's sweating, shaking, swearing, and making a lot of phone calls. But finally he replies, "ok, ok, I cut, I cut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tj8ct/an_engagement_request/
%
What hairstyle is best for travelling fast in a boat?

Top knot of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tj7rj/what_hairstyle_is_best_for_travelling_fast_in_a/
%
What do you call it when your intestines start protesting?

A bowel movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tj193/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_intestines_start/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Good food, but no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tizju/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
Why did the sea lion buy Tupperware?

He wanted to find a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tiz6g/why_did_the_sea_lion_buy_tupperware/
%
I waved the waitress over to our table.

I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"
She said, "Absolutely."
I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tiuke/i_waved_the_waitress_over_to_our_table/
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100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that condom."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tit6n/100_nuns_are_in_a_prayer_session/
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A zombie walks into a bar

The bartender tells the zombie "sorry we don't serve zombie here" the zombie replies "oh, is the human still fresh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tirdb/a_zombie_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the easiest job in China?

Police sketch artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tiqv8/whats_the_easiest_job_in_china/
%
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet

So if I get a life, I'll be notified immediately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tiqad/i_just_ordered_a_life_alert_bracelet/
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A man is standing on a tall ledge.

A physicist yells from the street, "Don't jump! You have too much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tipk0/a_man_is_standing_on_a_tall_ledge/
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I was a party. My friend said, "You see that girl over there? She's hardcore. She gets high by snorting insects."

I made a beeline for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tipd8/i_was_a_party_my_friend_said_you_see_that_girl/
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My mom always said I'll never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.

Tomorrow I'll show her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tim8y/my_mom_always_said_ill_never_amount_to_anything/
%
Statistics and mini skirts..

...they hide more than what they reveal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tijo3/statistics_and_mini_skirts/
%
"You're a unit of electrical energy, Harry."

"I'm a watt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tigt8/youre_a_unit_of_electrical_energy_harry/
%
Before camera phones…

…a selfie was another term for an hj.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tig1j/before_camera_phones/
%
What type of holy water is the cleanest?

Anti-skeptic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tif57/what_type_of_holy_water_is_the_cleanest/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tidqe/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green

At least I avacado

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tido3/people_laugh_at_my_car_because_its_ugly_and_green/
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The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger

Instead of yelling "Get down!" they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tidm2/the_secret_service_just_had_to_change_protocol/
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If I had a dollar for every time somebody called me stupid...

then I'd have $5.50

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tic2c/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_somebody_called/
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How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, or two? One . . . . or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tiafj/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Skin Canoes

Three men were exploring the deepest part of an african jungle. The come across a cannibalistic tribe that tied them to stakes and began a bonfire.
The chief walked up to the men and said,
"Three things happen tonight. First, you will die. Second, you will be eaten and your bones licked clean. Third, we will make your skin into canoes. However, I am a generous chief. I let you pick how you die."
He walked up to the first man and asked, "How do you want to die?"
The man replied, "I wish to die by gunshot. It will be quick and painless."
The chief brought out his musket and shot the first man square in the head. His people took the man off of the steaks and roasted him over the flame. The tribe ate the man in front of the other two men and licked his bones clean of meat. Then the women used his skin to craft a large canoe.
The chief then went up to the second man and asked him, "How do you want to die?"
The man responded, "In my country, death by hanging is an honorable death. I wish to die by hanging."
The chief took the second man off of the steaks, tied a noose and hung him. When he died, they removed his body, roasted it, and ate him. When they were done, the women took his skin and made a second canoe.
Then the chief went up to the last man and asked, "How would you like to die?"
The third man responded, "I wish to die by fork."
The tribesmen were confused and handed him a metal fork.
The man then shouted "FORK YOUR CANOE!" and began to stab himself to death with the fork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ti46z/skin_canoes/
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After finally getting the girl to his house and undressing her, right before they start, he asks her "How old are you?"

"13", she replies
"Oh god, get dressed and get the fuck out of my house!" shouts the man with a trembling voice
"Jesus Christ dude", she says disappointed, "didn't know you were so superstitious"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ti28u/after_finally_getting_the_girl_to_his_house_and/
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A 6 year old asks what kind of dog is that?

I tell him it's a boxer
And the 6 year old replies with, yeaaa he looks like he got punched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6thxxw/a_6_year_old_asks_what_kind_of_dog_is_that/
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Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6thwbm/why_dont_they_celebrate_new_years_eve_in_the/
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The difference between venomous snake, poisonous snake, and toxic snake

A venomous snake kills you when it bites you.
A poisonous snake kills you when you eat it.
A toxic snake kills you with negative emotions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6thvtl/the_difference_between_venomous_snake_poisonous/
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Two wrongs don't make a right...

But 3 lefts do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6thvhc/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
%
What did one piece of limestone say to the other?

"I think we need to chalk..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6thtos/what_did_one_piece_of_limestone_say_to_the_other/
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"Mom, Daddy's drunk"

"Why do you say that?"
"He's shaving the mirror again.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6thsrn/mom_daddys_drunk/
%
If two white supremacists get a divorce...

Do they still consider each other "cousins"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6thowh/if_two_white_supremacists_get_a_divorce/
%
How do emo's like their meat cooked

medium rawr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tho1l/how_do_emos_like_their_meat_cooked/
%
I heard somebody making fun of bridge suicides the other day and I was a bit offended

I don't think they understood the gravity of the situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6thmn8/i_heard_somebody_making_fun_of_bridge_suicides/
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What's worse than biting into an apple and seeing a worm?

The holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6thkyd/whats_worse_than_biting_into_an_apple_and_seeing/
%
How did Link win the basketball game?

With his hookshot... (Sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6thjyz/how_did_link_win_the_basketball_game/
%
Why was no one sad when the headless snowman melted?

He was a snowbody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6theo2/why_was_no_one_sad_when_the_headless_snowman/
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Why did Barbie never get pregnant? [NSFW]?

Because Ken always came in a different box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6thdpu/why_did_barbie_never_get_pregnant_nsfw/
%
Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?

Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6thao9/why_is_japan_the_healthiest_country_in_the_world/
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Fun fact: 99% of voters who live in the "path of totality" for the upcoming solar eclipse voted for trump.

Which is ironic, because the *last* thing they wanted to do is make the country darker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6th57n/fun_fact_99_of_voters_who_live_in_the_path_of/
%
There are two horses, Mutt and Jeff, and they're best friends...

And they're the two fastest horses in the world. Mutt is the fastest horse in the world and Jeff is the second fastest horse in the world. Mutt has won every race he's ever been in, and Jeff has won every race he's ever been in, except the races where Mutt was a participant, in which case he came in second.
So they're reaching the end of their careers, and they're both entered into the last race of the season. Jeff goes to Mutt and says, "you know what? You're my bestest friend and I love you. I'm ready to retire and I've got no regrets but one -- I've never beat you in a race. In this last race, it would be great if you could let me win." And Mutt says, "Well, damn, man. How can I refuse? I'm pretty sure you'll win this next race, trust me."
So they start the race and Jeff gets out to a fairly sizable lead -- he's pretty far ahead. Mutt's in second a fair bit away, and none of the other horses are even close. But getting to the closing stretch, Mutt starts to pick it up. He goes faster than anyone's ever seen him go before, and while Jeff sprints his hardest, Mutt beats him in a photo finish. Jeff says "What the hell, man?" And Mutt says, "Sorry, man. I couldn't do it." Jeff's like, "whatever, man."
The two of them retire to stud service, and they fall out of contact. They've got good lives, being paid to impregnate all the mares, so it's not like they feel empty. But late at night Jeff's at one of the local bars frequented by all the horses (one of the few that don't say "WHY THE LONG FACE?  har de harr), and he sees Mutt. Jeff has a bit of a buzz going on and he goes over to Mutt, not even sure what he's going to say.
But Mutt is wasted and speaks first. "THIS GUY!" he whinnies loudly. "I love this guy! Everyone, this is my buddy Jeff! Get this guy a drink!" Jeff is apprehensive about how drunk Mutt is, but he agrees to share a drink with him and soon they're reminiscing like the old friends they are. "Man, I've missed you!" Mutt says. "I can't believe it's been so long! I can't even remember what we were fighting about!"
Jeff supplies "You never let me win that race."
And Mutt goes, "You're right! Dude, I'm so sorry, I was hearin the siren song of being undefeated. UNDEFEATED, Jeff! But you know, looking back, your friendship was more important than any kind of legacy and I'm sorry."
And Jeff (who's also a little drunk at this point) says, "You know what would be great? Like, nothing official, what if we just went to the track right now. We should totally do it. Like, no one would know but us, and we could race and you let me win just once. It would mean a lot to me."
And Mutt goes, "Dude, I don't think I could even *hic* beat you right now anyway. Let's do it, man! Let's GO!"
So they get their buddy to drive them to the track (because they're both too wasted to operate a vehicle, especially with hooves), and they hop the fence and take their places on the track. Jeff shouts "Go!" and starts running sort of wobbily forward. Mutt takes three steps and falls face first into the dirt. Jeff is doing his best to keep going while Mutt pulls himself to his feet, but when Mutt gets up, it's like he's found a new level of sobriety, and he shoots across the track, beating Jeff comfortably. When Jeff catches up at the finish line, he's like, "What the hell, man?" But before Mutt can answer, he throws up and then passes out, drunk.
The two of them stay friends but never talk about the issue again. They get old, and Mutt's not the fastest horse in the world anymore, and Jeff's not the second fastest horse anymore. The two of them are in the twilight of their lives, looking back. And Jeff says to Mutt, "You know, I don't think we're going to make it past the winter this year. That's all right, though, I've had a great life, and I'm glad that you've been a part of it."
And Mutt agrees, "Yeah, in all of our history, you're the only one who I could look at as an equal. Life would have been lonely if not for you."
And Jeff goes, "Well, not quite an equal. I never did beat you." Mutt only nods at this, a little ashamed. And Jeff says, "You know, I'm almost ready to die. My one regret is never beating you in a race. Do you think -- and this is essentially my dying request -- that we could go out to the track? I think I've got one race left in me. If you could just let me win, I could die satisfied."
And Mutt says, "You know, I look back at the young foal who never let you win, and I want to shake him. Talk to him about what's really important -- friendship. I'm so sorry I never let you win before, and this time... yes. Let's go out to the track, run our last race, and you can win."
So they go out there, take their places, and start going across the track. You can barely tell they started -- they're trudging so slowly. The feeling of competition is still fierce between the two of them, though. They're hyper-aware of their positions, and Jeff pulls out to a bit of a lead. The two of them look at the track like it'll be the hardest thing they ever did just to reach the end, and it may very well be. Their bones are brittle and their stamina is gone. But about halfway through, Mutt starts to walk a little faster -- get almost up to a trot. Jeff tries to speed up, but can't, and when Mutt slowly passes him, Jeff doesn't bother to continue. He just falls down on the ground, exhausted. Ever the competitor, Mutt continues around to the finish line before doubling back to talk to Jeff, who would look dead if not for his faint breathing showing. He may not have much longer -- it's unlikely that he'd ever find the strength to stand again. When Mutt arrives, Jeff struggles to speak:
"Why? Why couldn't you let me win? What is wrong with you? Why is your pride so goddamned important?"
And at this point, a big black dog, who had been watching the race, speaks up. He says, "You know what? Shame on you, Mutt. If you don't want to let him win, fine. After all, if he can't beat you on his own steam, who's to say he should? But it was wrong of you to lie to him and build his hopes up only to dash them again and again. That is not how a friend behaves, Mutt, and you owe him better than that."
And Jeff looks hard at Mutt, right in the eye, and says, "That's stupid. Dogs don't talk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6th0h5/there_are_two_horses_mutt_and_jeff_and_theyre/
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What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match?

A Finnish Hymn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6th0e5/what_do_you_call_a_religious_song_from_helsinki/
%
My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish

where she would dress up as herself and act like a bitch all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tgyib/my_ex_girlfriend_had_this_really_weird_fetish/
%
What do you call a meat knife?

A protein shank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tgy01/what_do_you_call_a_meat_knife/
%
Did you hear about the insect living in a brief case?

He flew off the handle when I tried to swat him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tgt25/did_you_hear_about_the_insect_living_in_a_brief/
%
Why did the first monkey...

Fall out of the tree? He was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was tied to the first monkey. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure.
A joke told by my dad many a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tgqkc/why_did_the_first_monkey/
%
Why does the KKK wear those pointy hats?

White Wizard Hat: +10 to racist spells, -15 to black magic. It's all about the stats, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tgnpv/why_does_the_kkk_wear_those_pointy_hats/
%
Trump summons all his top aides to his office one day

He declares "This is a national emergency! Someone find me my important papers!'
The Secretary of Defense pulls out an urgent report on North Korea. "No not those you moron!"
The CIA director hands him evidence of an upcoming terrorist plot. He rips it in half and yells "No! You're fired!"
The EPA director hands him a new report on climate change.
Trump goes red in the face and yells "Get that fake news out of my office right now!'
Finally the Chief of Staff burst into the room carrying a huge crate of 100-ply toilet paper.
Trump exclaims "About damn time!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tgnej/trump_summons_all_his_top_aides_to_his_office_one/
%
In which part of the bread factory do lobsters work?

The crust station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tgn95/in_which_part_of_the_bread_factory_do_lobsters/
%
When I was around 5, I asked mum why people were different colors...

She said because god wanted different flavors.
And that was the wrong thing to say, Because For the next 3 years, I thought god ate people after they died...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tglud/when_i_was_around_5_i_asked_mum_why_people_were/
%
Hole in the Ground

My friend said to me, "I can't believe a dumb hole in the ground filled with water is working this good."
I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tgfjy/hole_in_the_ground/
%
My daughter is considering getting a tattoo...

She asked me what she should get. I told her to get a 4, so people would say what's that for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tgf7a/my_daughter_is_considering_getting_a_tattoo/
%
Hey, your fly is down!

I was walking down the road where I saw a lady shouting at me.
"Hello!" I said.
"Hey, your fly is down!" She shouted.
I turned to my pet fly. "What's going on, dude? You can always talk to me."
My Fly said "Oh you know, it's been a hard week. Wife left me. I lost my job and the fact that you've got your penis out doesn't make this conversation any easier."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tgeyi/hey_your_fly_is_down/
%
My mom went mental at me for tickling my little brother's feet today -

something about waiting until he's born?...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tgdhp/my_mom_went_mental_at_me_for_tickling_my_little/
%
Why did the blonde return the bag of M&M's to the store?

Because a quarter of them were W's, and a quarter E's, and a quarter 3's...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tgb0f/why_did_the_blonde_return_the_bag_of_mms_to_the/
%
The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d**k to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''
The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''
The general said, ''Just do it!''
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls?"
The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tgabg/the_pentagon_said_they_had_too_many_generals/
%
A woman was nervous about messing up during her wedding ceremony

She spoke with the preacher who offered her assurance.
"Just remember 3 things and you will be fine" he said.
"Number 1, walk down the aisle.  Number 2, stand in front of the alter.  Number 3, step forward to me after the hymn."
The preacher then assured her that he would guide her through the remaining ceremony step by step, and she would only need to remember those 3 things at the beginning.
The woman was still nervous, and she kept repeating the steps over and over in her head.  On the day of the wedding, the woman walked down the aisle just as planned and stood in front of the alter only a few feet from her groom.  As the hymn was being sung, the groom could hear the faint whispers of his bride repeating over and over, "aisle, alter, hymn, aisle, alter, hymn, aisle, alter, hymn....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tg80h/a_woman_was_nervous_about_messing_up_during_her/
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An Army captain receives a message

The message says, that the father of one Private Miller just died. So after morning drill he yells: "Private Miller step forward!"
The private does as ordered and the captain yells: "Miller, your father died. Now get back in line so I can continue the drill!"
A general overhears this and speaks to the captain. "Captain, you cannot relay such a message in such a disrespectful way. That man just lost a parent. You absolutely need to be more respectful here."
A few weeks later the captain receives a message saying that the mother of Private Miller commited suicide because she couldn't cope with the fact that her husband had died. So after morning drill he speaks to his men: "May the soldiers who still have at least one parent take a step back. Oh, not so fast Private Miller..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tg7t8/an_army_captain_receives_a_message/
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So 4chan hosted its very first live meetup this week...

I just don't know why they chose Charlottesville as the location.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tg6zl/so_4chan_hosted_its_very_first_live_meetup_this/
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What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

An orca-stra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tg6u4/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_killer_whales_playing/
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What type of people read the fastest?

9/11 victims. One when through 104 stories in a few seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tg65k/what_type_of_people_read_the_fastest/
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I was going to make a belt made out of old watches...

...but, nah, that would be a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tg4u1/i_was_going_to_make_a_belt_made_out_of_old_watches/
%
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are on a boat in the middle of a lake...

The priest, remembering he forgot his phone on the shore, says he'll be right back. He hops overboard, and walks on water to the shore and back.
The minister, who also forgot an item on the shore, follows suit and jumps off the boat. He walks on the water there and back.
The rabbi, who did not forget anything, decides he will not be shown-up. He jumps off the boat, and sinks.
The priest turns to the minister and asks, "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tg2xx/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_are_on_a_boat_in/
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A feminist once asked me how I view lesbian relationships

Apparently "In HD" isn't the right answer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tg22h/a_feminist_once_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
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My grandpa told me, "You millennials are too dependent on technology...

.. so I plugged out his life support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tg1ue/my_grandpa_told_me_you_millennials_are_too/
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God making the human race

Assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmmm, add a little toe.
Assistant: Why?
God: Furniture.
Assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me, it wil be fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfvnd/god_making_the_human_race/
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A man run homes excitedly, burst open the front door and yells to his wife "Honey! I won the lottery, pack your bags!" The wife excitedly jumps up hand grabs her suitcase and begins throwing clothes in it. She says "Ohmygod, that's amazing! Where should I pack for?"

The man replies " I don't care! Just get out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfux9/a_man_run_homes_excitedly_burst_open_the_front/
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I went to the doctor today...

He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical.  I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam.  Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check.  When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting....You have got to stop masturbating."  I asked why, he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tftcz/i_went_to_the_doctor_today/
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My wife asked me if I pee in the shower

I said "occasionally "
She said "that's disgusting "
I said " hey these things happen when you're taking a shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfrd7/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_pee_in_the_shower/
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What is the highest form of flattery?

A plateau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfqpp/what_is_the_highest_form_of_flattery/
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Four Guys Are at a High School Reunion

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfpqa/four_guys_are_at_a_high_school_reunion/
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A Gorilla Dies of Old Age at A Zoo

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfp1j/a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo/
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I gave my girlfriend a glue-stick instead of her lipstick,

She's still not talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfnq9/i_gave_my_girlfriend_a_gluestick_instead_of_her/
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Legal and Not Logical

After having failed his exam in Logistics and Organization, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student, “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”
Professor, “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
Student, “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an ‘A’ for the exam.”
Professor, “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”
Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an ‘A’, as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers, “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an ‘A’, although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tflob/legal_and_not_logical/
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The Old Cowboy's Shave

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfiq9/the_old_cowboys_shave/
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A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfi2s/a_fellow_bought_a_new_corvette_and_was_out_on_an/
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I just put C4 in my washer

And blew my load

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfhz0/i_just_put_c4_in_my_washer/
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Why is Chick-fil-a so successful?

They figured out how to sell fried chicken to white people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfht4/why_is_chickfila_so_successful/
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Sex is like a card game

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfgro/sex_is_like_a_card_game/
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If 2 wrongs DID make a right...

You'd need 4 wrongs to invent an airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfg4a/if_2_wrongs_did_make_a_right/
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I once met a man with 5 penises. I said "That must be rough"...and "how does your underwear fit?"

He said "Like a glove!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfg38/i_once_met_a_man_with_5_penises_i_said_that_must/
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Why can't Helen Keller Drive?

Because she's dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tffcy/why_cant_helen_keller_drive/
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How do you tell two dogwood trees apart?

By their bark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tff1k/how_do_you_tell_two_dogwood_trees_apart/
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfddo/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
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Most popular joke in my country...

Once there was a very very old man. He died when he was a child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfd4n/most_popular_joke_in_my_country/
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Two patients are sitting in a waiting room.

One of the patients, who has a speech impairment, asks the other patient,
"H-h-hi t-there. W-w-what are y-you here f-f-for?"
The other replies, "I have an issue with my prostate."
"W-w-what's the p-problem?"
The other answers, "Well, the way you talk is the way I pee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfbyh/two_patients_are_sitting_in_a_waiting_room/
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Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.

A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.
The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."
To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfbl1/jim_was_lazy_but_boy_was_he_clever/
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My wife works at a sperm bank...

So... My wife is a prude & oddly enough, works at a sperm bank. One day I decided to visit her because I had a bright idea. I put on a hoodie, a ski mask and zipped up with the hood on, I walk in to the place. I go straight to her desk with my hand in my hoodie pocket pretending to have a gun, point it at her and say "I want your freshest samples... RIGHT NOW!" (trying to disguise my voice)
In a panic, she shuffles over to a cart in the hallway and retrieves a handful of vials and brings them back.
"Here you go sir" she's says with a tremble in her voice.
"Good, now open them"
"I don't have any latex gloves at my desk"
"I SAID OPEN THEM"
She almost dropped them in her hurried attempt but managed to get a few opened.
"Now, drink them" I said
She shook her head & refused before I made a gesture with my pocketed hand and I said, "DO IT NOW OR IT'LL BE THE LAST TIME YOU GET A CHOICE"
She hesitated a few seconds more, then appearing to accept her fate... gulped one, two then three vials down by the time people started panicking around us.
Before she could reach for the fourth... I lifted my mask and stopped her
"See... That's not so bad, right honey?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tfbdk/my_wife_works_at_a_sperm_bank/
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Cristiano Ronaldo Went to the barbershop for a new haircut.

He went home to his girlfriend and asked, "Well what do you think?". She took a couple of minutes looking his new hair cut over and replied "Well... at least it's not Messi".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tf9ay/cristiano_ronaldo_went_to_the_barbershop_for_a/
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Two Scientists go to a bar

One tells the bartender that he wants an H20
The other says that he wants an H20 too.
The second one dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tf8sd/two_scientists_go_to_a_bar/
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If i had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive..

.. they would eventually find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tf8ng/if_i_had_1_for_every_girl_that_didnt_find_me/
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A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.

The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tf87t/a_father_and_his_6yearold_son_are_walking_down/
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Two wrongs don't make a right,

But two wrights make one hell of an airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tf7i6/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
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American hoverflies should really be called..

Wannabees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tf796/american_hoverflies_should_really_be_called/
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"sole"-destroying shoe

"I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tf1b9/soledestroying_shoe/
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1948; "Did you hear,the Jewish people finally got their own country? Is this real?" "Yes,it is real!"

My best original joke, taa daaa. !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tf05h/1948_did_you_hearthe_jewish_people_finally_got/
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I asked my friend why he always has coins laying around

He said told me he works at a mint, I said to him "that makes cents".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6teyuu/i_asked_my_friend_why_he_always_has_coins_laying/
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Rap is like scissors...

It always loses to rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6texl8/rap_is_like_scissors/
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How many trap producers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, but it's lit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tewms/how_many_trap_producers_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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What superhero team should Caitlin Jenner be in?

The X-men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6teqf7/what_superhero_team_should_caitlin_jenner_be_in/
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An atheist, a vegan, and a cross-fitter walked into a bar.

I know because they told everyone within the first two minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6teq12/an_atheist_a_vegan_and_a_crossfitter_walked_into/
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I was having a drink at a bar in Amsterdam.

I was having a drink at a bar in Amsterdam when this pretty girl walks up to me and says, "Can I buy you a drink?"
I never pass on a drink so I say sure. We start drinking together and then start talking. We really hit it off. She says she was from another country and here to have a fun time. I tell her that I am as well. After a while, she asks me if I would like to go back to her hotel room. At first, I am a bit defensive because this is a new town and "Prostitute" lights up in my head. So, I reply that I forgot to bring my wallet. She says that's okay so we head back to her hotel room.
We go back to the hotel room and start kissing. It's getting really hot and as I undressed I realized that I had actually forgotten to bring my wallet. That meant I had forgotten to bring a condom. But thankfully, she was wearing one on her penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tepx4/i_was_having_a_drink_at_a_bar_in_amsterdam/
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I don't understand Christianity's problem with LGBTQ people.

Transgender women made me believe in Adam's apple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6teono/i_dont_understand_christianitys_problem_with/
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I don't tell jokes about boxing

I can't come up with a punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tenqw/i_dont_tell_jokes_about_boxing/
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A little boy and his parents were getting ready for Thanks giving dinner.

He heard his parents arguing.
"You bitch!" his dad yelled.
"You bastard!" his mom yelled.
"What do bitch and bastard mean?" the little boy asked.
"Oh . . . a bitch is a woman, and a bastard is a man," his mom replied.
Later, the little boy walked in on his mom and dad messing around. He heard them say "cock" and "pussy."
"What do cock and pussy mean?" the little boy asked.
"Well, a pussy is a coat, and a cock is a coat hanger," his dad explained.
Soon after that, the boy saw his dad shaving. His dad accidentally got cut by the razor, and he yelled, "Shit!"
"What does shit mean?" the little boy asked.
"Shit is the type of shaving cream I'm using," his dad said.
The boy went downstairs and saw his mom cutting the turkey. She accidentally cut herself with the knife, and she yelled, "Fuck!"
"What does fuck mean?" the boy asked.
"Um . . . fuck means to cut something," his mom replied.
Then the doorbell rang, and the boy's mom told him to answer the door.
The boy opened the door for their guests, and he said, "Hello, bastards and bitches! Please put your pussies on the cock. My dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6telwn/a_little_boy_and_his_parents_were_getting_ready/
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A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.
1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your foreskin.
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your foreskin back.
5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5.  One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6telmi/a_father_is_teaching_his_boy_how_to_pee_in_the/
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A mousse

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.
After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.
After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.
He asks the barman, "What the hell  is that?"
The barman says, "It's a Moose."
The Scottish chap says, "Bloody hell! How big are the cats?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6teldc/a_mousse/
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An itch in the knee?

A Japanese father and son were stationed at a siege tower to guard the tower's hatch. Suddenly, the father felt an itch on his left knee.
Back in the day, the Japanese thought that having an itch in the knee was a bad omen, often signifying an imminent enemy attack.
He knew that there weren't any mosquitoes around so he yelled at his son, pointing at his knee:
"Itchy knee! Son, see! Go look! Siege hatch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6teim6/an_itch_in_the_knee/
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What do you call a little person breakdancing?

midget spinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6te9cj/what_do_you_call_a_little_person_breakdancing/
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Ling and Ving

Two brothers, called Ling and Ving, travel from their home country to America with their father. For the next 2 years, Ling and Ving both attend a college in New York. Everybody loved Ling, but Ving was constantly bullied because of his exceedingly odd name.
After several months, Ving decided that he had had enough. He went to a legal office in which he could change his name. Ling, being the great brother that he was, met Ving at the office, and asked what Ving wanted to change his name to. "Lee", he replied. Ling then tried and tried to convince Ving to keep his name. Ving finally agreed to leave his name as it was. He went up to an employee at the office and asked if he could cancel the process. The worker said "I'm sorry - in order to cancel the process, you'll need to pay a small fee."
At that very moment, Ving's father burst through the door and yelled:
Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6te482/ling_and_ving/
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"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6te2r6/thats_not_it/
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A man is speeding to get to work on time

Once he gets to the bridge he passes every day he sees a cop who has his speed radar gun aimed right at him. Fuck. The cop quickly turns his siren on and pulls the man over.
Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?"
Man: "Yes officer, it is very important that I am not late for work today..".
Cop: "What is it that you do that is so important?". Man: "I am a rectum stretcher.". Cop, a little interested in what the man just told him: "What in the Hell does a rectum stretcher do!?"
Man: "Well I start with just one finger then stretch until I can fit a few more. Then, I continue stretching it until a can get my whole hand in there and then I keep going so it is a foot tall, then 2 feet and so on until I finally get it to about 6 feet tall."
Cop, now completely baffled by the man: "What the fuck would you do with a six foot tall asshole!?"
Man: "I would give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge so he can make people even more late for work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6te0vb/a_man_is_speeding_to_get_to_work_on_time/
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I added Paul walker on Xbox

He spends most of his time on the dashboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tdyg2/i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox/
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What do you get when you mix Frodo, Bilbo and a cyborg police officer?

Frobo Cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tduw8/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_frodo_bilbo_and_a/
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XXX Joke

Once in a while comes a XXX joke that needs a salute.
A guy on his wedding night finding that his wife was a Virgin exclaimed: "I want to Kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity."
She gave a naughty smile and said:
"KISS MY ASS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tdu6x/xxx_joke/
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1, because they're very efficient and not very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tds5t/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tds1n/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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I spent all day yesterday bobbing up and down in the water.

It's all I've ever wanted to do since I was a little buoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tdpqg/i_spent_all_day_yesterday_bobbing_up_and_down_in/
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Im really pissed right now!

My dishwasher broke down today, something about it being overburdened? I don't care, she'll be getting the divorce papers tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tdk4y/im_really_pissed_right_now/
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As a Canadian..

Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...
...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tdjoq/as_a_canadian/
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Why did the museum go out of business?

They were out of Monet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tdj9n/why_did_the_museum_go_out_of_business/
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Trump: "Kim! Why are you sending NUKES?"

"I said send NUDES"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tdhkq/trump_kim_why_are_you_sending_nukes/
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My wife gave me the best 20 years of my life.

But then she woke up from the coma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tdgdi/my_wife_gave_me_the_best_20_years_of_my_life/
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Sure, Viagra makes your dick hard...

...but it doesn't make your wife any prettier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tdfz1/sure_viagra_makes_your_dick_hard/
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Where do fisherman keep their horses

In their BARNacles.
-Made it up today for my little cousin who rolled his eyes.  Gf thought it was funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tddw4/where_do_fisherman_keep_their_horses/
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I have an EpiPen

. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important that I have it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tdbk0/i_have_an_epipen/
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Why was the calendar nervous?

It's days were numbered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tdaqc/why_was_the_calendar_nervous/
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In little Nazis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tdao9/how_did_hitler_tie_his_shoes/
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Vladamir Putin, Donald Trump, and Kim Jong Un all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it's for calling back to Earth.  Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Donald Trump calls America and talks for 2 hours.
When he was finished the devil informs him that his cost is 6
million dollars, so The Don writes him a check.  Finally Kim Jong Un gets his turn and he's talking to all his friends, his harem, and all his generals for 20 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that his cost would be $1.
When Trump and Putin hear this they go ballistic and ask the devil why Kim Jong Un got to call North Korea for so cheap. The devil replied, "Well, from hell to hell it's local."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6td9s8/vladamir_putin_donald_trump_and_kim_jong_un_all/
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Mufti debates Pope

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate. However, as the Mufti spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other.
**The Pope**: Raised his hand and showed three fingers.
**The Mufti**: Raised one finger.
**The Pope** : Waved his finger around his head.
**The Mufti**: Pointed to the ground where he sat.
**The Pope**: Brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
**The Mufti**: Pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Moulana was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity." He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God!" Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us." He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us." I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins." He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin." He beat me at every move and I could not continue!"
Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd won." I haven't a clue," the Mufti said." First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger." Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!" "And then what?" asked a woman."Who knows?" said the Mufti. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6td7gv/mufti_debates_pope/
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How many babies does it take to paint a room?

Depends on how hard you throw them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6td2gv/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_room/
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A Hindu, a Christian, A Sikh, an atheist, and a Buddhist walk into a clinic...

One of them is called to see the doctor, he goes in, and after a while leaves the clinic. After that, everyone else was angry because they had not received service from the doctor. They ask the nurse standing outside why this is so, to which she said: "I'm sorry, we only serve the sikh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6td0cp/a_hindu_a_christian_a_sikh_an_atheist_and_a/
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Someone is shot every 15 seconds in the US.

How is that person still alive?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tczj6/someone_is_shot_every_15_seconds_in_the_us/
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NSFW

Watched some really weird porn the other day: just a sad, fat naked guy masturbating. Then I realised the TV was off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tczdp/nsfw/
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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

One costs 2 dollars, and the other is under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcz3s/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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What do you want to be when you grow up?

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcyrt/what_do_you_want_to_be_when_you_grow_up/
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A masochist looks at a sadist and says, "Hurt me."

The sadist replies, "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcxm7/a_masochist_looks_at_a_sadist_and_says_hurt_me/
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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the growth state of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”
So, Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcwrj/jim_decided_to_propose_to_sandy_but_prior_to_her/
%
A man takes a shortcut home through a graveyard at night.

Whistling loudly to steel himself against the cold fingers of fear, he strides quickly towards his destination.
As his eyes adjust to the dark, he notices an uncovered grave left by a lazy gravedigger. Feeling an uneasy chill, he averts his eyes from the coffin laid inside, missing the spade left by the gravedigger.
Tripping on the spade, he falls into the grave, landing heavily on the coffin. As fear grips his heart, he scrambles to climb from the grave, only to be flung headlong out onto the mound of dirt lying beside the grave. In terror, he turns to see a black coffin, standing vertically by the foot of the grave.
Screaming, he turns and runs at a full sprint in the opposite direction, ignoring the whip of low-lying tree branches on his neck and face. In the midst of his flight of terror, he hears a rhythmic 'THUMP, THUMP' following him. Turning mid stride, he sees the coffins now pursuing him, bounding effortlessly over headstones and leaving deep indentations where it lands.
Squeezing what little power he has left from his legs, he vaults the perimeter wall of the graveyard in a single vault. Glancing behind, he sees the coffin barrel straight through the wall, doing the same to the house gate he hastily bolts behind himself. Reaching the front door of his home, he fumbles for the right key, hands shaking and scratching the wood surrounding the keyhole.
Not bothering to close the door behind him, he sprints headlong up the stairs, thinking this obstacle would be enough to stop his pursuer. With a strangely pensive cadence the coffin moves up the stairs, taking them three at a time.
With the certainty of his demise becoming evident, he rushes to the cabinet in the bathroom at the top of the landing, desperately looking for a weapon to defend himself.
Rummaging blindly, his hand brushes and bumps past bandages, bottles of pills, searching for something as his eyes remained locked on his demise as it reaches the top of the stairs.
Just as his last hope begins to fade, his hand grasps a solid object, a large glass bottle of cough syrup. As the coffin reaches the door of bathroom, he raises his hand and throws the heavy bottle in a last act of defiance, breaking it on the lid of his pursuer.
And just like that, the coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcwln/a_man_takes_a_shortcut_home_through_a_graveyard/
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Why did princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcwft/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious car crash

He says to the doctor "Oh god I can't feel my legs"
The doctor says "I know I amputated your arms"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcsqf/a_man_wakes_up_in_the_hospital_after_a_serious/
%
I'm losing my 30 year old virginity on Halloween.

I'm dressing up as a coconut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcspb/im_losing_my_30_year_old_virginity_on_halloween/
%
Why are the streets of North Korea so clean?

Because your life is worth more then a gum wrapper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcsb5/why_are_the_streets_of_north_korea_so_clean/
%
If I've learned anything from cleaning under my fingernails

it's that I'm terrible at wiping my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcr74/if_ive_learned_anything_from_cleaning_under_my/
%
You know how stores move stuff around?

Target and Kroger do it for strategy but Walmart does it to keep you in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcp37/you_know_how_stores_move_stuff_around/
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I have been buying a lot of alcohol lately... I hope i am not becoming a

Shopaholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcloc/i_have_been_buying_a_lot_of_alcohol_lately_i_hope/
%
Why are Social Justice Activists always warriors?

Because they don't have a high enough intelligence to be Social Justice Mages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcli7/why_are_social_justice_activists_always_warriors/
%
What is a boxer's favorite drink?

Fruit punch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcf6e/what_is_a_boxers_favorite_drink/
%
A Cowboy walks into a bar, and sits alone in the corner...

Soon enough, after ordering drinks, a woman walks over and sits down with him and asks "are you a real cowboy?"
He replies, "I've spend my whole life rearing livestock, droving cattle, and riding a horse till my ass is red raw, so yeah, I think I'm a cowboy."
The woman nods, and goes quiet for a few seconds, then says "I'm a lesbian. Everything I do makes me think of naked women. I wake up, nude chicks, make lunch, tits on the mind, go to bed, you know what I'm dreaming about." The cowboys eyes widen, he nods thoughtfully, and they continue to drink in silence.
Not long later, a man swings a chair around and asks the man "are you a cowboy?"
He replies "I thought I was, but about 5 minutes ago I found out I was a lesbian"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tccjj/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_alone_in_the/
%
What are Marios favorite type of pants?

Denim Denim Denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tcbgv/what_are_marios_favorite_type_of_pants/
%
Don't make 9/11 jokes please

They're just plane wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tc8pq/dont_make_911_jokes_please/
%
What do ninjas drink?

WATAH!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tc61r/what_do_ninjas_drink/
%
Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel?

She was trying to blow the horn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tc5q4/why_did_the_blonde_have_lipstick_all_over_her/
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My dad who has a really thick Asian accent just asked me..

Did you see the white *super racist* riot in Virginia? He was trying to say **supremacist**. Honestly, he wasn't wrong tho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tc42q/my_dad_who_has_a_really_thick_asian_accent_just/
%
People are like Snowflakes...

technically all different but basically all the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tc3io/people_are_like_snowflakes/
%
Guy comes home and finds a note on the fridge..

..from his wife. It says "I'm sorry honey, it's not working. I'm leaving, I'll be at my sisters".
Guy is a bit confused, so he opens the fridge and the light comes on. He says "that's weird, seems to be working fine to me. Seems a bit dramatic?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tc2o3/guy_comes_home_and_finds_a_note_on_the_fridge/
%
A man lost in a hot-air balloon.

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tc2ln/a_man_lost_in_a_hotair_balloon/
%
I hate negative numbers.

I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tc1s5/i_hate_negative_numbers/
%
I've just had a once in a lifetime experience.

I won't be doing that again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tc0ii/ive_just_had_a_once_in_a_lifetime_experience/
%
What's the difference with broccoli and sodomy?

None. Even with butter, kids don't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbzqv/whats_the_difference_with_broccoli_and_sodomy/
%
What are the best dirty jokes you know, that don't take too long to tell?

Just to kick it off.....
This penguin is havin car trouble so he takes his car in to the shop. The mechanic tells him it's going to take a bit so he might want to go for a walk to keep him occupied. The penguin goes for a walk and buys an ice cream along the way, which is tough because he has a beak and it isn't that easy to eat ice cream. When he gets back to the shop, the mechanic says, "Whell it look like you've blown a seal!...." and the penguin says, "No I just ate some ice cream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbz1b/what_are_the_best_dirty_jokes_you_know_that_dont/
%
Just finished the book Eating for Dummies

Boy was it hard to digest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbx4g/just_finished_the_book_eating_for_dummies/
%
Two female K9 handlers

Two female K9 dog handlers are on the patrol and one says "I'm cold. I left my underwear at the Police HQ"
The other one says "let the dog have a sniff of your crotch and he'll fetch them."
The dog returned 20 minutes later with her underwear, a truncheon, two vibrators and 4 of the Sgt's fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbwmf/two_female_k9_handlers/
%
Why do we give mud baths to old people?

To get them used to dirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbwfa/why_do_we_give_mud_baths_to_old_people/
%
My girlfriend just yelled at me saying, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbusl/my_girlfriend_just_yelled_at_me_saying_you_werent/
%
Stevie Wonder and Hellen Keller walk into a bar

Stevie wonder and Hellen Keller walk into a bar. Then they both walk into a wall. Then Stevie walks into a chair. You can probably see where this is going... too bad they can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbuij/stevie_wonder_and_hellen_keller_walk_into_a_bar/
%
It wasn't easy for a group of hobbits to see their dead friend at the coroner's office.

Because one does not simply walk in the morgue door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbsji/it_wasnt_easy_for_a_group_of_hobbits_to_see_their/
%
How do you clear a North Korean bingo hall?

B 52

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbsds/how_do_you_clear_a_north_korean_bingo_hall/
%
A man who just died...

.......is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?”
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, “There's no charge.”
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she says.
“Honestly, ma’am it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbr9d/a_man_who_just_died/
%
I've been thinking about learning sign language.

I've heard it's pretty handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbr0c/ive_been_thinking_about_learning_sign_language/
%
When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman's body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbpo5/when_i_was_younger_i_felt_like_a_man_trapped/
%
What do you call it when Harry Potter has a one night stand?

Hit it and quidditch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbo6x/what_do_you_call_it_when_harry_potter_has_a_one/
%
A woman from the ghetto is in the grocery store with a whole crew of kids...

She yells out, "Billy!" and nine boys come running and line up by the door.
A passer-by laughs to himself and asks, "Did you name all your sons Billy?"
"Yup. Makes calling them for dinner a lot easier."
"What happens when you only need to talk to one of them?"
"Then I just call them by their last name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbnms/a_woman_from_the_ghetto_is_in_the_grocery_store/
%
I've never made scrambled eggs before

but I thought I'd wisk it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbn5u/ive_never_made_scrambled_eggs_before/
%
When life gives you a coconut ...

You keep it away from redditors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbmy0/when_life_gives_you_a_coconut/
%
Did you hear about what happened to the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won a no-bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbhkn/did_you_hear_about_what_happened_to_the_guy_who/
%
An O-5, a Foundation Agent, and Doctor Bright walk into a bar.

[DATA EXPUNGED]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbgk0/an_o5_a_foundation_agent_and_doctor_bright_walk/
%
Why does Popeyes dick never get rusty

He sticks it in Olive Oil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbfpz/why_does_popeyes_dick_never_get_rusty/
%
Saw my ex girlfriend getting beaten up by 5 guys at a bus stop, so as a human being I had to step in and help...

She didn't stand a chance against the 6 of us﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbeql/saw_my_ex_girlfriend_getting_beaten_up_by_5_guys/
%
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer

The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbelu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_slab_of_asphalt/
%
President Trump...

President Trump decides to fly to Mexico to discuss the wall with Mexico's president. Things aren't going well because Mexico's president refuses to pay for the wall. They decide to get out for some air to discuss things rationally on one of Mexico's beautiful beaches.
As they walk along, they come across a lantern poking out of the sand. Trump eagerly picks it up and rubs it.
A genie pops out and tells both men they each get one wish. Trump shouts- "ME FIRST!"
The genie nods.
"I want a giant, 1,000' impenetrable wall built between Mexico and the United States! No- wait! Let's go bigger! I want it to encircle the entire country! Screw Canada too! And we'll never be attacked from the oceans! That's what I want! I'm tired of dealing with assholes like this guy." he says pointing to Nieto.
The genie nods. "It is done." Then he looks at Mexico's president. "And you, sir?"
Nieto smiles: "Fill it with water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tbcm3/president_trump/
%
A police officer arrests a drunk man

After minutes of hassle getting the man in the police car, they're finally ready to go.
The officers turns around and says "Please fasten your seatbelt".
The man smirks and says "It's ok. Nobody will pull us over"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tba4v/a_police_officer_arrests_a_drunk_man/
%
English speakers yell "yes" or "yeah" when excited. Spanish speakers yell "sí"....

...French speakers sound like they're going down rollercoasters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tb8ky/english_speakers_yell_yes_or_yeah_when_excited/
%
What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

Vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tb8cm/what_do_japanese_men_do_when_they_have_erections/
%
So I hear

Tickets to Guam are cheap this time of year....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tb4uw/so_i_hear/
%
What does smoking cure?

Ham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tb3p0/what_does_smoking_cure/
%
Why do midgets giggle when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tb3nw/why_do_midgets_giggle_when_they_run/
%
I belong to a family of failed magicians...

I’ve got two half-sisters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tb2cb/i_belong_to_a_family_of_failed_magicians/
%
Did you here about the agoraphobia march?

No one showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tb0av/did_you_here_about_the_agoraphobia_march/
%
My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!"

She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tb068/my_wife_said_to_me_the_other_day_for_the_last/
%
Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6taxl5/studies_have_shown_that_smoking_weed_causes_short/
%
Whats the difference between a counterfeit bill and a skinny girl?

One is a phony buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tawlo/whats_the_difference_between_a_counterfeit_bill/
%
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tauu2/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
%
I saw an ad for burial plots for sale...

I said to myself this is the last thing I need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tau7y/i_saw_an_ad_for_burial_plots_for_sale/
%
How many Valve employees does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two. Two to hold a ladder and one to screw it in.
Whats that? Three you say? They can't count that high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6taslq/how_many_valve_employees_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
If having a big car means you have a small dick and having big feet means you have a big dick

Then its no wonder people are afraid of clowns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tar7s/if_having_a_big_car_means_you_have_a_small_dick/
%
What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tan5o/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
%
Fear of hospitals

isn't irrational. I went to 1 once for stomach pain and I had a kid following me ever since calling me mom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6takh5/fear_of_hospitals/
%
What is the difference between a joke and three dicks?

You can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6taja6/what_is_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_three/
%
What do you call a mexican who lost his car ?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6tae97/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
Little Johnny goes to a Whorehouse

Little Johnny, about 7 years old, is on his way to a whorehouse. Once he gets there, he goes to the Madame and speaks to her
Johnny: Hey there Missus. I would like a hooker, please
Madame: I'm sorry little boy. you look way too young to come here. What's your phone number? I think your parents should come pick you up.
Johnny: No ma'am. I want a hooker
Madame: I can't let you. you're way too young
So they start arguing for a few minutes until Johnny reaches into his pocket and grabs a fat wad of cash. The madame thinks about it for a few seconds and then relents.
Madame: OK fine. Let me get a lineup and you can pick out the one you want to have fun with
Johnny: Don't worry about that, I got it all figured out. I want a girl with diseases.
Madame: I have a girl with diseases, but i don't think you want her. Let me get a lineup and you can get one of my good girls
So they argue again for a few minutes until Johnny pulls out another, even larger wad of cash. The madame has to think about this a little longer but eventually relents
Madame: OK fine. I'll take you to Jenny's room and you can have fun with her
Johnny: Great. Thanks!
So Johnny goes to Jenny's room, does his thing and then comes down a few minutes later. Before he could leave, the madame stops him
Madame: Why were you so hell-bent on getting a girl with diseases?
Johnny: Well when I get home, mommy and daddy are going on a date night. The babysitter will come over, molest me and get the diseases.
When mommy and daddy get home, daddy will take the baby sitter home, fuck her and daddy will get the diseases
When daddy gets home, mommy and daddy are gonna fuck and mommy will get the diseases
Tomorrow, when daddy is at work, mommy will fuck the mailman and the mailman will get the diseases AND THAT MOTHER FUCKER RAN OVER MY PET TURTLE. HE'S GONNA GET WHAT'S COMING TO HIM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6taago/little_johnny_goes_to_a_whorehouse/
%
Glucose walks into a bar...

Bartender says "what can i get for you sugar?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ta7kh/glucose_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I like my women like I like my microwaves...

cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ta7dw/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_microwaves/
%
Necrophilia

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ta72z/necrophilia/
%
Two prostitutes are standing on a street corner...

One says to the other: "it's going to be a good night tonight", the second prostitute says: "how do you know that?" The first prostitute takes a deep whiff then responds "I can smell cock in the air!", to which the second prostitute responds: "sorry, I just burped".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ta01b/two_prostitutes_are_standing_on_a_street_corner/
%
What was Jesus' first words?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9y3a/what_was_jesus_first_words/
%
A german once told me "never be sad"

"Because sad backwards is das, and das ist nicht gut"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9xnq/a_german_once_told_me_never_be_sad/
%
Where do guys from Alabama pick up girls?

The family reunion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9w2o/where_do_guys_from_alabama_pick_up_girls/
%
My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9t75/my_wife_texted_im_leaving_you/
%
"Is that a gun in your pants, or are you happy to see me?"

Both, now get in the van.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9qm2/is_that_a_gun_in_your_pants_or_are_you_happy_to/
%
What's white on the top and black on the bottom?

Society

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9q20/whats_white_on_the_top_and_black_on_the_bottom/
%
How do you console somebody with bad grammar skills?

There, their, they're.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9pxi/how_do_you_console_somebody_with_bad_grammar/
%
Anal sex is like hacking.

You go in through the backdoor and hope a log isn't found.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9o51/anal_sex_is_like_hacking/
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Did you hear about the guy that went to the Doctor? [Long][nsfw]

So this guy goes to the doctor and tells him "doc my dick's all green and fuzzy"
The doctor replies "well let's have a look at it"
So he drops his pants and shows the doctor.
"Well?!"
The doctor takes one look at it and says "Oh my god! I'm gonna have to cut that off immediately"
Surprised, the man replies "woah hold on this is my manhood we're talking about, I'd like a second opinion."
So the doctor leaves and shortly after a new one comes into the room. "What do we have here?" He asks.
The man once again unzips his pants and shows the doctor.
"Tell me you got some good news doc."
This time the doctor closely examines his manhood and after a long inspection he said "Sorry son, we have cut it off, there's nothing else we can do."
Disheartened, the man replies "Well if you're going to cut off my dick would you at least tell me what I have?"
"It appears to be an ancient infection I've only ever read about in the books" The doctor explains.
With a slight glimmer of hope the man replies "Then what am I waisting my time talking to you jokers for!" and abruptly leaves.
After countless hours of research on the internet, the man tracks down an ancient healer and flies to Asia to meet him.
When he gets there, the healer asked him to disrobe. The man does as he says and then explains "I've been to two doctors and they both said they need to cut it off. Please tell me there's another way."
The healer takes one look at the grotesque nob and bursts out in laughter. "Those white doctors all they want to do is snip snip cut cut, just wait two days and it will fall off on its own."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9k3g/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_went_to_the/
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Why don't feminists need to change lightbulbs?

Enough light comes through the glass ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9jnf/why_dont_feminists_need_to_change_lightbulbs/
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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating banana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9j4e/a_girl_realized_that_she_had_grown_hair_between/
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Another use for bible verses

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back, "Revelation 3:20 ", and stuck it in the door.
The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation, "Genesis 3:10."
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9isu/another_use_for_bible_verses/
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People say I don't have friends

They're wrong.
I have 10 seasons on DVD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9idb/people_say_i_dont_have_friends/
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My wife died and I won the lottery.

The genie says I have one wish left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9i61/my_wife_died_and_i_won_the_lottery/
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Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9i5b/stephen_hawking_diagnosed_with_erectile/
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Why are EA the worst gaming company in America?

Ubisoft is based in France

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9ha6/why_are_ea_the_worst_gaming_company_in_america/
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I like my women like I like my cars

21 years old and full of issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9gj4/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_cars/
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I was looking for a Dating Simulator on Steam.

It said "Sorry, no matches found."
The level of realism is incredible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9ek5/i_was_looking_for_a_dating_simulator_on_steam/
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I don't get why people say that North Korea is bad

My friend lives there, and he can't complain about anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9e9c/i_dont_get_why_people_say_that_north_korea_is_bad/
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BREAKING NEWS!

Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate & hazelnuts, and believe it to be Pharoah Rocher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9e1h/breaking_news/
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Been married for 20 years

, but I still carry my wife's picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And It comforts me knowing that... If I survived being married to this psycho, I can survive anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t9d2m/been_married_for_20_years/
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Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t96gw/three_men_were_discussing_aging_at_the_nursing/
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Why are three-dimensional objects so good at cutting down trees?

They have three axes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t940d/why_are_threedimensional_objects_so_good_at/
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t90zj/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_the/
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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8z23/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_notices_a_very_large_jar/
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Is R Kelly a rapper or a raper?

It depends how much pee is involved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8xm4/is_r_kelly_a_rapper_or_a_raper/
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Trump asks Putin for advice

Complaining about his failures, Trump asks Putin how he's so successful.  Putin responds that he surrounds himself with clever people and calls in Sergei Lavrov to ask him:
"Sergei, your parents have a child who is neither your brother nor your sister, who is it?"
Lavrov thinks for a moment and answers: "it's me."
Impressed, Trump decides to ask Paul Ryan the same question.  Stumped, Ryan says he needs sometime to consider the question.
The next day, after a particularly heated exchange with Nancy Pelosi, Ryan asks her: "if you're so smart, riddle me this: your parents have a child that isn't your brother or sister, who is it?"  Pelosi shoots back, "well, obviously it's me."
The next time he sees Trump, Ryan proudly announces that he's solved the riddle and tells Trump: "well, obviously, it's Nancy Pelosi!"
Trump roars, "you idiot, this is why nothing gets done around here, it's not Pelosi, it's obviously Sergei Lavrov!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8wmm/trump_asks_putin_for_advice/
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Vaseline

A market researcher called at a house while on his rounds with his questionnaire, and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked the harassed young woman if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. She shook her head and said no she did not, but then he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline. At that, she said oh yes, she certainly knew of that product. When asked if they used it in their household, the answer was "yes". So then the researcher asked the lady how she used it, and she replied: "To assist sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed.  He said, "You know, I always ask that question because everyone uses our product, and the usual replies we get are: for the child's bicycle chain', or 'for the gate hinge'......we always know that most people use it to assist sexual intercourse, but they are too embarrassed to tell us that.  Now, ma'am, since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use the Vaseline?"
"Yes, of course," she replied without any hesitation, "we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8w1y/vaseline/
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I remember the last thing my grandma said to me before she died...

She said "What're you doing in here with that hammer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8sdr/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandma_said_to_me/
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How does the president like his spaghetti

Al presi-dente

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8s3q/how_does_the_president_like_his_spaghetti/
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If you have to describe yourself in one sentence what would it be?

Lazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8ovk/if_you_have_to_describe_yourself_in_one_sentence/
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Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

The one deer turns to his friend and says "Man, I blew like 30 bucks in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8no8/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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When I'm bored I love seeing how many different watches I can strap onto my wrists.

I have too much time on my hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8nk8/when_im_bored_i_love_seeing_how_many_different/
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What is 72?

69 with three people watching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8ko0/what_is_72/
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A group of soldiers was fighting against a group of rebels...

They had been fighting for a few years now, and many people, including innocent citizens, had lost their lives during this period. The soldiers tried and tried to rid the city of the rebels, but the latter was a strong resistance and were hard to defeat. Regardless of the many new personnel, bases and equipment that the soldiers received, the rebels somehow found a way to be one step ahead of them.
The commander of the soldier, Gen. Williams, decided this had to come to a stop. He ordered for the construction of multiple newly-fortified military posts around the city, installed with state-of-the-art weapons and communications systems, to provide round-the-clock surveillance. The construction was completed quickly, and new personnel and equipment soon arrived. The General then instructed the chief of each base to send a convoy of vehicles out to the city twice a day to ensure the rebels did not spread to other parts of the city. He also called for multiple airstrikes to deter the rebels.
After a few weeks, the General was happy to see that there were fewer rebel attacks, and the civilians seemed much happier and thankful whenever the soldiers went into the city. The General had confidence that the city would soon be rid of the rebels for good, and that the people could rebuild their houses and lives.
A few months passed and all seemed well, until early one morning, at about 3am, the General was awoken by one of his deputies. "Sir, one of our posts has been attacked by the rebels!" The General rushed out of his bunk, but by the time he got to the post, it was up in flames. Infuriated, he ordered for increased security at all the other posts. However, the next morning brought the same tale, and by the end of the week, he had lost half of his posts.
Rather dismayed, the General held an urgent with his senior advisers. They analyzed the activity of the rebels and concluded that they were going to attack the biggest and most heavily protected base, as that was the one with most of the weaponry and supplies. The General sent many troops there, along with several tanks from the main headquarters. More high-tech surveillance equipment was sent in from a nearby base as well. The General, feeling satisfied that the post would withstand the bombardment of the rebels' firepower, went to bed early that night.
Lo and behold, the General was once again woken before sunrise the next morning. "Sir, we have a problem - the post is not responding to our messages". Shocked, the General rushed there. It was all deja vu - flames and rubble and nothing else. The General was feeling a mix of emotions, but all he could muster was: "Well, I didn't expect this post to blow up overnight".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8iuv/a_group_of_soldiers_was_fighting_against_a_group/
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What is 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8hv0/what_is_69/
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The Man who Chose Heaven Instead of Hell

Evan O'Reilly was known throughout America as a truly exceptional man. As the curer of several diseases, the discoverer of many life supporting planets, and the inventor of many new robotics, he was given an option as he neared his death. He was visited by the Angel of Death when he was 108 (his new technology helped him to live far past the average lifespan).
The angel told him, "normally we make the decision for everyone, but because you were so extraordinary during your time on Earth, I've decided to give you the choice. Would you like to go to heaven or hell?"
"W-Why would I want to go to hell?" Evan replied, "Heaven is the obvious choice, is it not?"
The angel told him, "For you, I'll let you have a peak at both, and then you can decide. We've never let anyone do this, so this is a very special opportunity."
Evan agreed to do this, and the angel took him to hell first. Once there, he found himself in the middle of a beautiful golf coarse. He walked a bit and found all his friends happily playing a game and they asked Evan to join them. After they finished what Evan considered to be the best golf game he had ever played, his friends invited him to play a round with the devil. Evan was hesitant at first, but his friends told him that the devil was a pretty great guy, so he agreed to do it.
They played a phenomenal game with Satan, and afterward, the Angle of Death asked Evan if he would like to see Heaven. He said yes, and the next day they went up so Evan could get a taste of heaven. When they arrived, Evan saw the stereotypical pearly gates and paradise within. However, it didn't seem as nice as living a simple life with his friends. So Evan told the angel, I've made my decision: I would like to go to hell. So the angel took him back down.
When he got there, he was greeted to an entirely different scene. There was fire and sewage everywhere. Evan's friends were in chains, starving, and being whipped by the devil, who was laughing at their pain. Evan was bewildered by this and asked Satan why it was so different than before.
"Yesterday you were a prospect," Satan replied, "Today you're a client."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8hta/the_man_who_chose_heaven_instead_of_hell/
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Our local barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 3 years now.

I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8eyo/our_local_barber_just_got_arrested_for_selling/
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If I had a penny for every time I said "diet starts tomorrow"

I could afford liposuction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8cs4/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_time_i_said_diet/
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Marriage ceremonies are a lot shorter in Texas

Because the wife doesn't have to change her surname.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8bk5/marriage_ceremonies_are_a_lot_shorter_in_texas/
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A Mexican magician says he is going to disappear on the count of three

He says - "Uno"- "Dos" . . .*poof*
He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t8924/a_mexican_magician_says_he_is_going_to_disappear/
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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t86ya/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
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I just flew back from Chernobyl

And boy are my arms legs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t84tw/i_just_flew_back_from_chernobyl/
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Vertebrae should be called vertebros,

Because they’ve always got your back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t80uo/vertebrae_should_be_called_vertebros/
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What did the businessman say when he woke up in a hotel room Monday morning next to two prostitutes?

Hi ho. Hi ho.  It's off to work I go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t7zgu/what_did_the_businessman_say_when_he_woke_up_in_a/
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Build one hundred churches and no one will call you a church builder, build five hundred bridges and no one calls you a bridge builder

But if you fuck one goat......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t7y8i/build_one_hundred_churches_and_no_one_will_call/
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A woman goes on vacation to Jamaica.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love-making she asks him, “What is your name?”
“I can’t tell you,” the black man says.
Every night they meet, and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can’t tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?”
“I can’t tell you my name because you will laugh at me,” says the black man.
“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the woman says.
“Fine, my name is Snow!” the black man replies.
The woman bursts into laughter. The black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it.”
The woman replies, “I’m not making fun of your name. I’m thinking of my husband who won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t7y2p/a_woman_goes_on_vacation_to_jamaica/
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Why can't mammoths clap?

Because they're extinct, stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t7qph/why_cant_mammoths_clap/
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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”
He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”
I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t7m0f/my_mate_asked_me_why_i_have_sex_noises_saved_on/
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Women are like newspaper articles...

They have a new issue every freaking day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t7lcs/women_are_like_newspaper_articles/
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Love

Girl: what do you think of our love
Me: count the stars
Girl: awww.... its infinite
Me: no, its a waste of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t7ksy/love/
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A woman in a jewelry store farted.....

.....while bending over looking at a beautiful diamond ring. She looks around embarrassed and see the salesman standing behind her. Totally professional he say " Good day madam how may I help u?" Hoping maybe he hadn't heard her accident she ask, " Sir what's the price for this lovely ring?" He answered madam if u fart by just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t7jud/a_woman_in_a_jewelry_store_farted/
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An almost hysterical man calls 911...

He yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor just started now, it's really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No dumbass! It's her husband!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t7j1n/an_almost_hysterical_man_calls_911/
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Arkansas ranks highly among other states in terms of depression and adultery

It's a sad state of affairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t7iwu/arkansas_ranks_highly_among_other_states_in_terms/
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When I was a kid...

...I wanted to be a magician. My parents being the supportive people they are, helped me learn how to perform magic. My father even taught me half of a two-part lesson on disappearing tricks. I'm still waiting for the part on how to reappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t7ipn/when_i_was_a_kid/
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Why did the Mafia cross the road?

Forget about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t7gvw/why_did_the_mafia_cross_the_road/
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A man walks into a bar

As he walks to the counter, he sees a one foot tall man playing the piano. He comments the player on his skill, and then sits down and orders a beer. The bartender reaches down and hands him an empty bottle.
"What's this?" asks the man. "I asked for a beer." "That's the wishing bottle," the bartender replies. "Free wish with every drink, just speak into it."
Incredulous but hopeful, the man brings it to his mouth and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." There's a flash and a bang, and wouldn't you know it, littering the floor is a million... ducks.
"What the hell?" asks the man. "I didn't ask for a milion ducks!" "Join the club," the bartender says. "You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t7cjf/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear about the guy that died while ejaculating?

He came and went.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t79w5/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_died_while/
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A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes, so she organises a blonde convention.

Over 50,000 blondes attend.
The leader stands on a stage and says,
"Us blondes have always been misrepresented by the media and we have always been stereotyped. We are here today to prove us blondes aren't dumb! Now may I have a volunteer?"
A blonde steps onto the stage.
"What is ten divided by two?"
The volunteer replies, "Two."
The leader is dismayed but the crowd cheers,"Another chance!"
A second volunteer is called up. Once again she asks the question and the blonde replies,"T-ten?"
The crowd shouts,"Another chance!"
The third volunteer is called up. After three minutes of thought, she correctly replies,"Five."
The crowd shouts,"Another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t79js/a_blonde_is_very_upset_at_people_stereotyping/
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A Business Man Walks Into A Bar

An attractive 30something business man walks into a bar. You know the type. Well dressed with a suit and tie, briefcase, power hair, the typical young business executive with power.
He sits down at the bar and the bartender approaches.
"I'll take a beer" says the man.
The bartender walks away to fetch the beer and while the business man is sitting there he hears a strange voice.
"That's a really nice suit!"
The man looks around but sees no one around besides the bartender who obviously didn't say It.
Thinking he's just heard things, he shrugs it off.
Again he hears the voice.
"That's a really nice tie you have there!"
Startled, the man looks around the bar but again sees no one. Knowing that he's had a long day he again shrugs it off and just thinks he's got to be imagining things.
One last time he hears the voice.
"You know, that's a really nice pair of shoes you have on!"
By this point the man knows that he must be truly hearing it. The bartender walks back to the man with his nice ice cold beer. While the bartender is standing there the man asks "Bartender, what gives? I ordered my beer and started hearing a voice telling me I have a nice suit, and a nice tie, and nice shoes. But there's no one here!"
The bartender chuckles as he points to the bowl sitting on the bar.
"Oh! Those are the peanuts! They're complimentary!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t78sj/a_business_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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The Presidents of Russia and the USA are trying to prove they have the best services.

Part of the competition involves the GRU, the CIA and the FBI’s ability to apprehend suspects. The Presidents give them a test. They release a rabbit into a forest and the GRU, the CIA and the FBI has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The GRU goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly bruised and beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t787f/the_presidents_of_russia_and_the_usa_are_trying/
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I asked my buddy what it's like working at Google.

Says he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t780s/i_asked_my_buddy_what_its_like_working_at_google/
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A guy walks into a market and ask for the half of a watermelon.

The produce employee tells him that they only sell full watermelons, the guy ask again but he gets the same answer.
So he tells the employee to ask to his supervisor, the employee agrees(without noticing that the customer is behind him all the time).
When the employee meets the supervisor tells him:
Hey boss we have a jerk out there that wants to buy just half of a watermelon, and the customer interrupts: YOU SAY I'M A WHAT?!!
And the employee replies:
And this gentleman wants the other half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t77qb/a_guy_walks_into_a_market_and_ask_for_the_half_of/
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Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia.

However, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t772k/researchers_have_discovered_that_excessive/
%
Men on my sandwhich

On a day like any other I decided to go to my favorite deli. I ordered the BLT like I always do and began to eat it, however I noticed something strange. Something seemed to be moving in my sandwich. I looked closer and it appeared to be a tiny man with some sort of wooden pole. He planted it into my sandwich and moved along.
I was totally boggled by this so for the next few days I came in and ordered a variety of sandwiches but the men only came when I ordered the BLT. One day I had had enough.
"Hey!" I shouted, "what are you doing on my sub all the time?"
"Sorry!" He shouted back, "we always repost on this sub"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t76fu/men_on_my_sandwhich/
%
It's hard to make good Power Rangers jokes.

Most of the time, they feel Super Megaforced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t71fk/its_hard_to_make_good_power_rangers_jokes/
%
A&W has no mascot

Did you hear what happened to the A&W mascot?
He was walking home one day when he got Mugged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6vbf/aw_has_no_mascot/
%
The woman next to me on the roller coaster wouldn’t stop screaming.

It’s like she has never seen a penis before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6v6w/the_woman_next_to_me_on_the_roller_coaster/
%
Having sex in the elevator

Is wrong in so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6usk/having_sex_in_the_elevator/
%
What is Forest Gump's email password?

"1Forest1"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6ube/what_is_forest_gumps_email_password/
%
When I'm naked in the bathroom

The shower usually gets turned on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6tye/when_im_naked_in_the_bathroom/
%
What do you call a perverted magician?

David Copafeel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6szs/what_do_you_call_a_perverted_magician/
%
if i got a dollar for every time i think about you....

..i would start to think about you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6su1/if_i_got_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_think_about_you/
%
I think my proctologist is hitting on me

He said that my ass is fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6s6l/i_think_my_proctologist_is_hitting_on_me/
%
What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common?

They both think,"Oh god, my mom is going to kill me".
Hi future me and random redditors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6ruk/what_do_pregnant_teenagers_and_their_babies_have/
%
What do you call abortion at Hogwarts?

Fetus Deletus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6q4d/what_do_you_call_abortion_at_hogwarts/
%
I called in sick to work today.

My boss told me I didn't sound sick. I said I just fucked my sister how sick do I sound now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6pdh/i_called_in_sick_to_work_today/
%
Where does Matthew McConaughey sit politically?

Alt right alt right alt right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6ms8/where_does_matthew_mcconaughey_sit_politically/
%
My friend told me I didn't know what irony meant

Which is ironic because we were at a bus stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6k0p/my_friend_told_me_i_didnt_know_what_irony_meant/
%
If all current congresspeople got into a fistfight, who would win?

The American people.
(thanks /u/asurah)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6hes/if_all_current_congresspeople_got_into_a/
%
Once a doctor and an engineer entered a chocolate store

Once a  doctor and an  engineer entered a chocolate store.......
As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.....
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer : "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"
Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy: "Do you wanna see magic..?"
The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"
Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it... He asked for the second, and he ate that as well.. He asked for the third, and finished that one too...
The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"
Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t6cyd/once_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_entered_a_chocolate/
%
What do vaginas and jokes have in common?

The amount of time I spend looking at them on Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t69zt/what_do_vaginas_and_jokes_have_in_common/
%
The teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.

Jenny pipes up instantly; "My mum has the flu, I think it's contagious!".
"Excellent work!", the teacher responds. "Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?"
Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.
"M' Pa made me lunch t'day, but it took the contagious!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t69u6/the_teacher_asks_her_students_to_use_the_word/
%
Me: *licks lips in anticipation*

I'm nervous, I've never bungee jumped before.
Instructor: Please stop licking my lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t67fe/me_licks_lips_in_anticipation/
%
Two nuns were sitting on a park bench.

A man comes by and flashes his penis at the nuns.
One had a stroke.
The other was just out of arms reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t66zu/two_nuns_were_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
I once met a naked man made out of wood

He had a wood pecker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t66w0/i_once_met_a_naked_man_made_out_of_wood/
%
Having anal sex is like learning to ride a bike...

It's a little scary at first, but once your dad lets go you really start to enjoy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t61p9/having_anal_sex_is_like_learning_to_ride_a_bike/
%
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a good year and the other's a great year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t5zbg/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
%
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t5y5p/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_runny_nose/
%
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t5x6p/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
%
I think I should work at a Smoothie shop

I feel like I would blend in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t5vmg/i_think_i_should_work_at_a_smoothie_shop/
%
Before becoming hard boiled, an egg says to a boiling pot of water:

It may take me a while to get hard. I just got laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t5rsj/before_becoming_hard_boiled_an_egg_says_to_a/
%
Say what you want about the structural integrity of the Titanic

At least the pool is still full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t5pn1/say_what_you_want_about_the_structural_integrity/
%
A Mexican magician tells his audience he will disappear on the count of 3

He says "uno dos poof!"
He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t5no2/a_mexican_magician_tells_his_audience_he_will/
%
A young woman was so excited to find out she was pregnant, she had to phone all her friends right away and tell them the big news....

It was close to midnight before she finally got around to calling up her very last girlfriend with the big announcement.
"I can't believe I have a person inside me right now!" she said.
"So do I," her friend replied. "Can you call me back in an hour?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t5lcs/a_young_woman_was_so_excited_to_find_out_she_was/
%
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" asked the man.
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t5jok/a_blonde_wanting_to_earn_some_money_decided_to/
%
What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?

Nothing...it just lets out a little wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t5h27/what_does_a_grape_say_when_it_gets_stepped_on/
%
Why do people say be there, or be square?

Because you wouldn't be a-round

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t5gn9/why_do_people_say_be_there_or_be_square/
%
Why does Trump never miss an appointment with Putin?

Because it is a mandate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t5djk/why_does_trump_never_miss_an_appointment_with/
%
I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t5d5t/i_believe_that_marathons_are_bad_they_are_an/
%
One of my favourites: What do you call an alligator in a vest?

...an investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t5baq/one_of_my_favourites_what_do_you_call_an/
%
I've been living with extreme poverty and disfigurement for over 40 years, but today, God finally answered my prayers!

He said no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t53rt/ive_been_living_with_extreme_poverty_and/
%
David was working in the garden and his back starting bothering him.

He went inside and told his wife that he thought he may have done something to his spine.
Sure enough he couldn't stand upright without being in pain.
"Call the doctor, Jane."
"No, no. Go see my chiropractor, he will fix you up good."
"Jane, your chiropractor is a poof. He's stealing your money and pulling your leg."
"Don't be silly, I'll call him now."
David goes to see Judy's chiropractor the next day. He comes home after the appointment feeling brand new.
He says to his wife, "I stand corrected."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t53rh/david_was_working_in_the_garden_and_his_back/
%
Why does Kendrick Lamar like to roll past the police in a Honda?

Because they can't take him out his Element

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t53gp/why_does_kendrick_lamar_like_to_roll_past_the/
%
A boy is born without eyelids...

A boy who was born without eyelids is making national headlines as he has just undergone experimental surgery to use his foreskin to craft new eyelids. The surgery was a success and the boy is recovering perfectly. However, he will be a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t53fr/a_boy_is_born_without_eyelids/
%
What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t508i/what_time_did_sean_connery_arrive_at_wimbledon/
%
How did the redneck find his sister in the tall grass?

Quite satisfying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t4x0h/how_did_the_redneck_find_his_sister_in_the_tall/
%
I started carrying a knife with me after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

The muggings have been working out a lot better now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t4qdw/i_started_carrying_a_knife_with_me_after_an/
%
There is only 1 B word you should call women.

Beautiful. Bitches love being called beautiful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t4oh5/there_is_only_1_b_word_you_should_call_women/
%
I stepped into my shower today only to find hot dogs coming out of the shower head

My plumber calls it a "meatier shower".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t4ng8/i_stepped_into_my_shower_today_only_to_find_hot/
%
A German truck driver is sitting in a Liverpool bar mouthing off about how lazy the British are.

He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days."
A drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'Fuck off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in Hamburg and make it back to Liverpool the same day!'
German man, gives a sarcastic laugh and replies 'Oh yeah old man, what rig were you driving?'
Old fella replies 'a fucking Lancaster Bomber!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t4hq7/a_german_truck_driver_is_sitting_in_a_liverpool/
%
A termite walks into a bar

and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t4fx1/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Bought some shoes of a drug dealer today.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t4boy/bought_some_shoes_of_a_drug_dealer_today/
%
A friend told me that Asians are the best at computer games because they use two keyboards instead of one.

But that's just stereo typing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t474i/a_friend_told_me_that_asians_are_the_best_at/
%
I ordered 2000 lbs of Chinese soup

It was Won Ton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t40y9/i_ordered_2000_lbs_of_chinese_soup/
%
Why are married women fatter than single women?

A single girl gets home, looks what's in the fridge and goes straight to bed. A married girl gets home, looks what's in the bed, and goes straight to the fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t40ou/why_are_married_women_fatter_than_single_women/
%
I swallowed some scrabble letters by accident.

My next shit could spell trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3y3v/i_swallowed_some_scrabble_letters_by_accident/
%
Our sex education teacher asked the class, "Who knows what fisting is?"

I put my hand up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3y3p/our_sex_education_teacher_asked_the_class_who/
%
North Korea wants nuclear weapons so bad, even their leader is a nuke

Little boy and Fat Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3y1j/north_korea_wants_nuclear_weapons_so_bad_even/
%
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3xxl/my_local_drug_dealer_started_dressing_up_as_a/
%
I was talking to my friend earlier.

I thought to myself, "Why are you called Earlier?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3t41/i_was_talking_to_my_friend_earlier/
%
Rick Astley will give you any of his Disney movies except this one.

He's never going to give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3srr/rick_astley_will_give_you_any_of_his_disney/
%
How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Let's go ride bikes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3r11/how_many_adhd_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A man walks into a bar located at the lowest point on earth near the dead sea

some 420m below sea level. He orders a drink and then tells an absolutely dreadful joke, but the bartender laughs heartily anyway, because the bar has been set low for this joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3qy3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_located_at_the_lowest/
%
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,

right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3mev/a_nice_calm_and_respectable_lady_went_into_the/
%
My neighbour knocked on my door at 3 in the morning.

Can you believe that, 3AM?!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my electric guitar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3l8g/my_neighbour_knocked_on_my_door_at_3_in_the/
%
Why did Trump rush to Macy's?

He heard they had Ivanka's clothes half-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3l2e/why_did_trump_rush_to_macys/
%
A limbo champion walks into a bar

They are disqualified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3kxz/a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why dont you see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3krl/why_dont_you_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
To the man who stole my Microsoft Office, I'm going to find you.....

....you have my WORD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3j9m/to_the_man_who_stole_my_microsoft_office_im_going/
%
Why did the depressed chicken stop in the middle of the road?

To get to the Other Side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3hxi/why_did_the_depressed_chicken_stop_in_the_middle/
%
A guy walks into a bar

and orders a drink.  A few minutes later a beautiful young woman approaches the man and says, "For $200 I will do anything you want that you can describe in 3 words."
Excited, the man gets his wallet out, takes out $200 and slides it on the bar to the beautiful woman and says, "Paint my house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3gb2/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A professor was teaching a languages course

"In English" he said, "A double negative makes a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3d0v/a_professor_was_teaching_a_languages_course/
%
A dude tells his hippy girlfriend that her boobs are too small

. She agrees but says that she doesn't want breast implants because Silicone isn't a renewable resource. He suggests that she find a natural alternate. Weeks later she has a great idea and carves two boobs out of a tree from her back yard. After going to the doctor and having them put in, she returns to her boyfriend. She proudly explains what she's done and asks if he wants to touch them. He replies, "No way! That would give me splinters, Wooden Tit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3cl5/a_dude_tells_his_hippy_girlfriend_that_her_boobs/
%
Shape of You

I put "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran as my 6:30 alarm. Now I wake up at 5:00 so that I don't have to hear it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3c6x/shape_of_you/
%
What is considered an apocalypse by a zombie?

A Necrophiliac outbreak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t3b66/what_is_considered_an_apocalypse_by_a_zombie/
%
Why did the Buddhist pull coins from his butthole?

Because change comes from within.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t37m6/why_did_the_buddhist_pull_coins_from_his_butthole/
%
A person with a four year degree majoring in history walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t37i8/a_person_with_a_four_year_degree_majoring_in/
%
Why a restaurant on the moon wouldn't work?

There would be no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t32w0/why_a_restaurant_on_the_moon_wouldnt_work/
%
THE TOILET SEAT.....

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left home to take care
of another matter before she returned.
She came home and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on
the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued
her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without
any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and
I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he
could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never
seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t2zyj/the_toilet_seat/
%
The district manager sent an email to the general manager.

It said "I'd like you to promote that one pretty girl with the good personality, I can't remember her name. I was very impressed by her work ethic. She seemed humble but extremely capable."
The general manager was confused as to which girl the district manager meant because there were two girls that worked at the store. So he called both girls, Sarah and Tracy, over and said "The big boss says I'm supposed to promote one of you." Both girls immediately asked who he was going to pick.
The general manager said "Well, he said to promote the pretty one."
Sarah said " Well that could be either of us really."
Tracy, obviously disgruntled, said " I'm a feminist and I find that offensive."
The general manager turned to Sarah and said "Congratulations on your promotion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t2zxz/the_district_manager_sent_an_email_to_the_general/
%
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
PS: Saw this somewhere on Facebook not my original.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t2x06/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_stand_up_by_itself/
%
Thank God for nipples..

Because without them, boobs would be pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t2uk3/thank_god_for_nipples/
%
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder

I know I know, German jokes are the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t2pw6/no_matter_how_kind_you_are_german_children_are/
%
At the bank...

...there was an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t2n89/at_the_bank/
%
Prison is like a Children's party...

...bad food, worse sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t2jr0/prison_is_like_a_childrens_party/
%
Why dogs are better than women.

1.   The later you are, the more excited your  dogs are to see you.
2.  Dogs don't notice if you call them by another  dog's name.
3.  Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the  floor.
4.  A dog's parents never visit.
5.  Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to  get your point across.
6.  Dogs find you amusing when you're  drunk..
7.  Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8.  A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If  I died, would you get another dog?"
9.  If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't  get mad. They just think it's  interesting.
10.  If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your  stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t2ji2/why_dogs_are_better_than_women/
%
She's pregnant!?!

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t2ixu/shes_pregnant/
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Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard

.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t2hu4/little_billy_came_home_from_school_to_see_the/
%
A young woman is at home when she hears someone knock on the door.

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there
He asks the lady,
‘Do you have a vagina?’
She slams the door .He does the same thing next morning.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
‘Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.’
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.’
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
‘Do you have vagina’?
‘Yes, actually I have one,’ she says.
The man replies..
‘Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t2h6f/a_young_woman_is_at_home_when_she_hears_someone/
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NSFW

Two guys go camping, but start getting on each other's nerves after a while. So they spend the day apart and meet up in the evening, telling each other about their day. You won't believe what happened to me, says one. I was walking through the forest, when I see this woman tied to some railroad tracks. Anyway, I untie her and spent the entire afternoon having sex, like never before. On top, from behind, sideways, everything! Wow, says the other, did you get a blowjob? No, I couldn't find the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t2ei4/nsfw/
%
What do you get when you combine a pickle and a deer ?

A dill doe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t2bbp/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_a_pickle_and_a/
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Dating a stripper is like opening a bag of chips in church

eveybody looks at you in disgust but deep inside they all want some.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t28s1/dating_a_stripper_is_like_opening_a_bag_of_chips/
%
My dad said he doesn't like cloning.

That makes two of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t27tb/my_dad_said_he_doesnt_like_cloning/
%
I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book.

She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.
Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t276r/i_came_walking_in_from_the_kitchen_and_asked_my/
%
My Mother said there is one word you should never call a lady.

The silly cunt never said what it was though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t20g4/my_mother_said_there_is_one_word_you_should_never/
%
Spoiler alert!!!

The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t1tvi/spoiler_alert/
%
Saw two druggies having a ’69’ in the park earlier on.

He was on crack, she was on blow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t1tnu/saw_two_druggies_having_a_69_in_the_park_earlier/
%
Set your wifi password to 100

So when someone ask tell them it's how many times a week this gets reposted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t1ob5/set_your_wifi_password_to_100/
%
Set your wifi password to "Itsonthefridge"

So when people ask for it, they go to the fridge and look all over for it but find nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t1nr9/set_your_wifi_password_to_itsonthefridge/
%
I fell off a 20 foot ladder yesterday...

Luckily I was just on the first rung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t1c1k/i_fell_off_a_20_foot_ladder_yesterday/
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Necrophilia: The Game

A game where every time you die, it gets harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t1acv/necrophilia_the_game/
%
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t17cy/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches_long/
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There should be two...

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand!"
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.
The man says, "What is that for?"
The golfer replies,
"I consider myself a Gentleman,
and
I believe every Dick should have two balls"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t14pv/there_should_be_two/
%
A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool.
Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t13tu/a_horse_is_sitting_at_home_watching_mtv/
%
A cop once told me to take a nap...

I wasn't tired, so I got jailed for resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t121o/a_cop_once_told_me_to_take_a_nap/
%
I went fishing recently and caught a 20lb sea bass. I tried to mount it

But I was arrested for indecent exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t1037/i_went_fishing_recently_and_caught_a_20lb_sea/
%
My 9-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "Telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans....

I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in japan !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t0u4y/my_9yearold_nephew_showed_me_with_pride_the/
%
What's the difference between a homosexual and a fridge?

The fridge doesn't fart when you pull out your meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t0re3/whats_the_difference_between_a_homosexual_and_a/
%
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
Edit2: I can make a whole wordlist with all the password in here 😁.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t0r3c/set_your_wifi_password_to_2444666668888888/
%
If you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other, what do you have?

A bloody big moth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t0mi5/if_you_have_a_moth_ball_in_one_hand_and_a_moth/
%
A farmer travels to the nearest town to see the doctor.

The doctor diagnoses the farmer and hands him a jar of pills, explaining, “these are suppositories, take one a day for a month.”
The farmer thanks the doctor, adding, “Doc, I’m not an educated man. What is a sup-pos-it-ory?”
The doctor humbly answers, “they’re just like any pill, except you take them rectally.”
“Oh, I see,” the farmer ponders, “but I’ve gotta wreck what now?”
Maintaining professionalism, the doctor clarifies, “you insert them in your anus.”
Still confused, the man asks, “my ayy-nu—,” letting a little frustration show, the doctor interjects with, “just put them in your backside.”
Determined to get everything right, the farmer replies, “Doc, I think there’s a misunderstanding, it’s not my back that hurts.”
Overcome by frustration, the doctor yells at the farmer, “TAKE THE PILLS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS!!”
The farmer sheepishly replies, “I’m sorry I’ve upset you, Doc. I’ll just ask someone else.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t0mef/a_farmer_travels_to_the_nearest_town_to_see_the/
%
If baby boomers had lived up to their namesake

They would have a lot fewer millennials to bitch about now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t0lri/if_baby_boomers_had_lived_up_to_their_namesake/
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

You just have to aim for the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t0kox/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away/
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Some people call me an old softie

But I prefer them to call me a distinguished gentleman with a flagging erection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t0k4a/some_people_call_me_an_old_softie/
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Baldness

A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out. "Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged. "Take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t0jlt/baldness/
%
My friend who bought an old house says sometimes he hears a melancholy voice at night.

Particularly one that whispers, "Sigh, I guess these new tenants will have to do."
I told him to ignore the noises. That it's just natural. It's just the old house - settling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t0avg/my_friend_who_bought_an_old_house_says_sometimes/
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Teacher and Student

Teacher: Can you see god?
Student: No.
Teacher: Can you touch god?
Student: No.
Teacher: Then there is no god!
------5 minutes later, the student raises his hand-----
Student asks teacher: Can you see your brain?
Teacher: No.
Student: Can you touch your brain?
Teacher: No.
Student: Then you don't have a brain!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t09ss/teacher_and_student/
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I asked my friend who works in google how it is out there ?

He said " can't complain "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t094k/i_asked_my_friend_who_works_in_google_how_it_is/
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The Admiral and the Cook

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship’s insignia embossed on it. He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic.
Cook: In that case sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t0907/the_admiral_and_the_cook/
%
What do Mexicans use to cut their pizzas?

little caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t086g/what_do_mexicans_use_to_cut_their_pizzas/
%
My dad died yesterday when no one remembered his blood type.

He kept telling us to 'be positive' but it's hard without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t083k/my_dad_died_yesterday_when_no_one_remembered_his/
%
A telecoms engineer joins the army...

On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger clean off and shouts back:- "It's leaving here ok - the problem must be at your end!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6t05l2/a_telecoms_engineer_joins_the_army/
%
If 2 vegan rappers are dissing each other...

Is it still considered having a beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6szvc0/if_2_vegan_rappers_are_dissing_each_other/
%
My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen

He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sztuo/my_friend_got_arrested_for_shooting_an_unarmed/
%
I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sztok/i_have_the_eyes_of_a_hawk_the_heart_of_a_lion_the/
%
A concerned wife goes to her husband...

"Honey, I know we said we would wait to give our little girl the birds and the bees talk, but I think it's about time."
He inquiries as to why she thinks this.  Their daughter, while almost a teen, is still rather young.
"Well, I caught her masturbating."
"~~Prosperous~~ Preposterous!! She's barely old enough to start her period let alone do that"
"That's the other thing, honey, I caught her red handed..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sznvj/a_concerned_wife_goes_to_her_husband/
%
What do you give to a female fish that has trouble laying her eggs?

a SEA-section

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6szl03/what_do_you_give_to_a_female_fish_that_has/
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My son is just like my penis...

I beat it constantly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6szkm6/my_son_is_just_like_my_penis/
%
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6szkhl/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
%
Coming-of-age Family tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had
all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that
special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on
the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Jim
took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out
of the boat... And nearly drowned!
Jim just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother . "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before
him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather
were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye
were born in August, ya  fookin' idiot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6szjxx/comingofage_family_tradition/
%
A priest is fucking a goat...

A priest is fucking a goat when suddenly another priest walks in and exclaims;
"For goodness sake! You've got the wrong kid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6szj9s/a_priest_is_fucking_a_goat/
%
Having gay parents must be horrible

I mean, you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes, or get stuck in an infinite loop of 'go ask your mom'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sziwx/having_gay_parents_must_be_horrible/
%
A young boy asked his father what a vagina looks like...

"Well," said the father, "before sex, a vagina looks like a beautiful, unopened rose."
The boy thought for a minute and said, "Dad, what does a vagina look like after sex?"
"Son," said the father, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6szeqb/a_young_boy_asked_his_father_what_a_vagina_looks/
%
Good animal joke .

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm..that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago.........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6szdrg/good_animal_joke/
%
A guy shipwrecks on a deserted island...

And after several weeks he becomes lonely and wishes for a companion.
Lo and behold the very next day, a ship with 6 beautiful women crashes. They start to talking and decide that they will share the man. One will sleep with him each night of the week. The man gets a day off, and the cycle repeats.
After several months, the man is exhausted having to please a beautiful woman just about every night. He wishes for some relief.
The very next day, a ship maroons, containing a lone male survivor. The man who's lived on the island pulls him ashore and is grateful that his respite has arrived, saying " Gee, you sure are a sight for sore eyes!"
The newcomer says, "You sure are too, you beautiful thing!"
The original man says ""Crap, there go my Sundays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6szcyl/a_guy_shipwrecks_on_a_deserted_island/
%
What's the difference between a clown and a colombian?

Ones a smug juggler the other is a drug smuggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6szcsz/whats_the_difference_between_a_clown_and_a/
%
I got in to a fight last night, ten against one.

We kicked the shit out of that guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sz96e/i_got_in_to_a_fight_last_night_ten_against_one/
%
What happens if you piss in a electric fence?

Urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sz8lf/what_happens_if_you_piss_in_a_electric_fence/
%
If you lined up everyone on Earth in a straight line

most of them would drown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sz8f3/if_you_lined_up_everyone_on_earth_in_a_straight/
%
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door...

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sz784/a_young_woman_buys_a_mirror_at_an_antique_shop/
%
A King enrolled his donkey in a race & won.

A King enrolled his donkey in a race
& won.
Local paper read:
'KING's ASS WON'
The king was so upset with this kind
of publicity that he gave the donkey
to the queen.
The local paper then read:
"QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN
TOWN"
The king fainted....
Queen sold the donkey to a farmer
for 10$.
Next day paper read:
"QUEEN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10"
The queen fainted...
The next day king ordered the queen
to buy back the donkey and leave it
in jungle.
The Next Headlines:
"QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS
FREE & WILD"
The king died... !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sz5rv/a_king_enrolled_his_donkey_in_a_race_won/
%
What do you call two doctors who aren't sure if God is real?

Diagnostic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sz1yf/what_do_you_call_two_doctors_who_arent_sure_if/
%
There's a new soda with viagra in it

it's called Mount and Do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sypgu/theres_a_new_soda_with_viagra_in_it/
%
What's big, red, hard too eat and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A fire truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6syom8/whats_big_red_hard_too_eat_and_if_it_fell_out_of/
%
My friend said to me the other day, "What rhymes with orange". And i said..

"No, it doesn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6symv4/my_friend_said_to_me_the_other_day_what_rhymes/
%
Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen

"Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government?  Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned.
"But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”.
She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here."
The Prime Minister walked into the room.
“You called for me, Your Majesty?"
"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. “ the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother  and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me."
"Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him.
Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office
“Mike, answer this for me,’ said the Don. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”
"I'm not sure," said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.
Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.
The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.
“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me
“Sure, Mike “Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”
“Thanks, said Pence,” It’s this.  Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled,  “Thanks!"
Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.  It’s  Hillary Clinton.”
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It's Teresa May!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6symje/donald_trump_went_to_london_and_met_with_the_queen/
%
A couple, both aged 68...

A couple, both age 68, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6symeg/a_couple_both_aged_68/
%
What sound does a blonde white girl make while meditating?

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6syi7y/what_sound_does_a_blonde_white_girl_make_while/
%
How can you tell Native Americans were here first?

They had reservations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6syh7e/how_can_you_tell_native_americans_were_here_first/
%
I used to own a beta fish

It would just sit and watch while I had sex with the little scuba guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6syfud/i_used_to_own_a_beta_fish/
%
The case of the Garden Murderer was dismissed

Apparently all the evidence was planted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6syemh/the_case_of_the_garden_murderer_was_dismissed/
%
There’s a sweet old couple happily living life.

One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, "The doctor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old."
The huband replies, "Oh really? And what did he say about your 70-year-old ass?"
She replied, "He never mentioned you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sydu1/theres_a_sweet_old_couple_happily_living_life/
%
What do you call a binary value that eats right and exercises?

A fit bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sydkp/what_do_you_call_a_binary_value_that_eats_right/
%
A set of jumper cables walks into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "OK, I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sydgc/a_set_of_jumper_cables_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Trump: Remember, the less immigrants we let in, the better.

Pence: The fewer
Trump: Shh don't call me that in public yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sycdh/trump_remember_the_less_immigrants_we_let_in_the/
%
I attended a sexual harassment seminar recently

so now i think im gonna be pretty good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6syc3r/i_attended_a_sexual_harassment_seminar_recently/
%
The brain named itself

When you think about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6syapi/the_brain_named_itself/
%
My wife swallowed a lego without knowing it

She shit a brick after I told her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sy9as/my_wife_swallowed_a_lego_without_knowing_it/
%
I used to steal jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sy6x2/i_used_to_steal_jokes/
%
A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.
It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sy5of/a_man_tried_smuggling_sausage_and_vodka_out_of/
%
What's the difference between a jew and a canoe?

Canoes tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sy5ib/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_canoe/
%
What does a hipster Jew do in his free time?

He brews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sy1xh/what_does_a_hipster_jew_do_in_his_free_time/
%
Two Amish men want to sell part of their brood of chickens

So, they decide to make their way to the market in the center of a large town nearby.
The younger of the two men has never been outside their small community, and is subsequently very excited and also quite nervous.
Rather than taking a full horse and buggy, they decide to ride a donkey the short distance to town and hold their chickens and roosters on their lap.
When they arrive, they are quite surprised to see that there is no place to tether their donkey outside the open-air market. Fearing it will wander off, the two men decide to simply lead it by its reins through the market.
To make sure one of them is not overburdened, they decide the younger should take the donkey and the rooster, and the older will take the old laying hens.
The older man gently speaks to the younger; "Remember Brother Abram- our headstrong steed is often quite stubborn. Should he act out of turn, give him a gentle graze on his snout to calm his nerves."
Brother Abram nods and speaks to the older man, "Yes, Brother Isaac. I shall heed your words."
As Brother Abram begins his walk to try to and sell their virile rooster, the donkey starts to resist Abram and bray softly.
Suddenly, another man and his wife walks past Abram carrying a cage with another large, haughty looking rooster. Upon seeing this man's rooster, the rooster under Abram's arm becomes irate- pecking, clawing, and doing all he can to escape from under Abram's arm. The other man's rooster also becomes upset and begins to claw and peck at the cage.
With all this commotion, the old donkey becomes started, braying and bleating loudly, and bucking wildly in the market.
Upon hearing the commotion, Brother Isaac heads towards the noise only to turn a corner and see the old donkey running away, the two roosters fighting each other on the floor, and Brother Abram..holding a bloody nose and a few knocked out teeth.
"Brother Abram! What has happened to you?!"
"Isaac, we must leave. I do not trust these English! They attacked me for asking them to do a simple favor!"
"Pray tell, Abram. For what favor did you ask?!"
"I but complimented that man on the size of his cock, and ask his wife to hold mine so I could scratch my ass between the cheeks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sy0xq/two_amish_men_want_to_sell_part_of_their_brood_of/
%
Two wind turbines are standing in a field.

One turns to the other and asks "What type of music do you like?" It replies "I'm a big metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sy0kq/two_wind_turbines_are_standing_in_a_field/
%
Michael J. Fox asks 007 if he would like a martini.

007 smiles and says yes. The end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxzt9/michael_j_fox_asks_007_if_he_would_like_a_martini/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the White House on the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxz4s/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Why do Jews make the best doctors?

Because if they give you six months to live and you can't afford to pay your medical bills before then they'll give you another six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxxz9/why_do_jews_make_the_best_doctors/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar.

He throws a coin up in the air, shoots at it three times, and says "My name is Bill, Buffalo Bill". After the cowboy, a stranger stands up, pulls down his pants, showing three testicles and says "My name is Bill, Cherno Bill".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxw3z/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
One of the best feelings in the world is to wake up with someone cuddling with you...

Unless you're in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxu32/one_of_the_best_feelings_in_the_world_is_to_wake/
%
Unlike my other girlfriends, my new Thai girlfriend is really into me.

about four inches into me to be precise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxsop/unlike_my_other_girlfriends_my_new_thai/
%
Three reasons I'm not rich:

1. I'm lazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxrha/three_reasons_im_not_rich/
%
Why shouldn't you trust Hitler with a grill?

He always burns the Franks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxr1q/why_shouldnt_you_trust_hitler_with_a_grill/
%
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walking duh... J.K. Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxpbj/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
An old couple is sitting in the living room, watching TV..

The old woman began thinking of ways to spice up their love life. Suddenly, she has an idea.
She runs into the other room and grabs a cape. She gets naked and puts on the cape, and runs into the living room, in front of the TV as she tells "Super Pussy!!"
Her husband replies, "I think I'll have the soup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxma3/an_old_couple_is_sitting_in_the_living_room/
%
Chiropractors should become interrogators

Because their patients crack easily under pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxm90/chiropractors_should_become_interrogators/
%
Tried cracking a joke about deaf people, but I guess it wasn't funny

They just kept staring at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxlfm/tried_cracking_a_joke_about_deaf_people_but_i/
%
TIL that uncontrollable diarrhea is hereditary....

... It runs in the jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxl8u/til_that_uncontrollable_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxkzt/i_just_got_home_from_a_friends_funeral_he_drowned/
%
What did the tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, because they are both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxkig/what_did_the_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
What did Donald Trump say on the season finale of Celebrity President?

"Nuclear missiles ... you're fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxjgd/what_did_donald_trump_say_on_the_season_finale_of/
%
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark...

After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxj0w/husband_always_insisted_on_making_love_in_the_dark/
%
I know how to lose over 20 lbs instantly

but it costs an arm and a leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxg4m/i_know_how_to_lose_over_20_lbs_instantly/
%
Why shouldn't you fart in an Apple Store?

Because it doesn't have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxepp/why_shouldnt_you_fart_in_an_apple_store/
%
Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?

To get a long little doggie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxe4r/why_did_the_cowboy_adopt_a_dachshund/
%
The Trump Tower Library burned down.

All two books burned.
One wasn't even colored yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxd74/the_trump_tower_library_burned_down/
%
Did you hear about the slutty Amish girl?

She slept with two Mennonite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sxcrl/did_you_hear_about_the_slutty_amish_girl/
%
A Saudi king let me juice up my phone with his portable power source.

I was charged with a Sultan battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sx9ia/a_saudi_king_let_me_juice_up_my_phone_with_his/
%
The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sx9fk/the_bacon_tree/
%
More changes to the military

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.
Addressing all ship personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.
Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."  He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.
Are there any questions?"
A Marine from the security detail assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and inquired...
"How much for a season pass?"
God bless the Marine Corps!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sx7c5/more_changes_to_the_military/
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving

, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sx5sr/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
What's the difference between a Polaroid picture and a baby?

If you shake the Polaroid it develops faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sx5ds/whats_the_difference_between_a_polaroid_picture/
%
I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier.

I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"
He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sx4mu/i_passed_a_kid_sat_on_the_side_of_the_road/
%
What's the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine?

The pricks are on the inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sx077/whats_the_difference_between_a_porsche_and_a/
%
What did Sloth say when he found gold?

AU, GUYS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6swz6o/what_did_sloth_say_when_he_found_gold/
%
A doctor and a programmer both like the same woman

Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.
Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.
Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.
The programmer responded “An Apple a day keeps the doctor away”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6swyxx/a_doctor_and_a_programmer_both_like_the_same_woman/
%
How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?

He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6swyqv/how_did_pinocchio_figure_out_he_was_made_of_wood/
%
Now that things are getting serious between my girlfriend and I, I decided it was time to have a good long talk with her about my premature ejaculation issues...

honestly she was really cool about it, and it only lasted a few seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6swy5h/now_that_things_are_getting_serious_between_my/
%
Donald Trump finally revealed his plans to defeat North Korea

He's buying it and turning it into a Trump brand business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6swuaj/donald_trump_finally_revealed_his_plans_to_defeat/
%
What's the worst second name for a female teacher to have?

Carriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6swtl8/whats_the_worst_second_name_for_a_female_teacher/
%
Whats long, black and hard to cut into?

The line at ~~Kentucky Fried Chicken.~~ Popeyes
Edit Thanks /u/SatanicOnion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6swrpz/whats_long_black_and_hard_to_cut_into/
%
A farmer's daughter has 3 suitors; a mexican, a black guy, and a white guy

The farmer takes all 3 suitors to his farmland and tells them, "go into my fields and gather as many of one fruit as you can hold in both arms and return here". Several minutes pass before the white guy gets back with an arm full of grapes. The farmer says "pull down your pants and get on your knees. Insert one grape at a time in your anus and if you make a sound i will blow your head off with a shotgun" the white guy gets 3 or 4 grapes in before one of them pops and he yelps and dies. After the farmer cleans up the mess, the mexican comes back with an arm full of bananas amd the farmer tells him the same thing. The mexican gets the first one in like a champ, second one no problem, then on the third one he cracks up laughing and dies. When he gets to heaven the white guy asks "what the fuck man you were doing so good! What was so funny?" the mexican replies "i saw the black guy coming down with five
watermelons!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6swp4j/a_farmers_daughter_has_3_suitors_a_mexican_a/
%
My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive.

I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6swoyy/my_therapist_asked_what_would_be_the_one_thing_id/
%
Can't get pregnant

Stacy: I have to be very careful, i just can't get pregnant now.
Tiffany: Didn't your husband get a vasectomy?
Stacy: Exactly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6swo9s/cant_get_pregnant/
%
Did you hear about the golfer who passed away?

He had two strokes over 80.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6swm40/did_you_hear_about_the_golfer_who_passed_away/
%
I totally understand how batteries feel...

I'm rarely ever included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6swhts/i_totally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
%
Why couldnt the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6swh0n/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
%
What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6swf4l/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
%
Q: What's gray and comes in pints?

A: An elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sw5jp/q_whats_gray_and_comes_in_pints/
%
I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent birth

But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6svrqa/i_thought_getting_a_vasectomy_would_prevent_birth/
%
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

.  (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep.  Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6svbm7/a_patient_with_insomnia_goes_to_a_doctor/
%
So I walked into a sex shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll
Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?
Me: I'd like a female.
Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?
Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?
Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sv65w/so_i_walked_into_a_sex_shop_the_other_day/
%
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sv4ra/what_do_you_call_a_boomerang_that_doesnt_come_back/
%
It's also mine...

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The brown one or the black one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: (A little flummoxed) I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: which one? Brown or black?
Interviewer: Black?
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer: (now annoyed) Why! Do you keep asking me which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one is mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the other one?
Farmer: Its also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sv4jn/its_also_mine/
%
How many South Americans does it take to cross the Atlantic

A Brazilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sv194/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_cross/
%
Who’s the most prepared person on earth?

Justin Case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6suyhd/whos_the_most_prepared_person_on_earth/
%
75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.

90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6suy29/75_of_men_kiss_their_wives_goodbye_when_they/
%
[NSFW] Two Brothers in a Bunk-Bed

There were two brothers sleeping on a bunk bed.
The older brother, on top, was having sex with his girlfriend, but they knew they had to be discreet about what they were doing, so as to not corrupt the younger brother.
The couple decide they will come up with code-words:
Lettuce = harder
Tomato = switch positions
Ham = faster
As they're having sex, the girl is yelling "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, ham!!"
After they're finished, the younger brother shouts up and says "you guys are sloppy sandwich makers, how did you get mayonnaise on me all the way down here?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sux2x/nsfw_two_brothers_in_a_bunkbed/
%
What do you get when you cross a German with a lemon?

Sauerkraut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6suwu2/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_german_with_a/
%
There was once a great Mexican Magician...

There was once a great Mexican Magician. He was world-renowned for his incredible feats.  His most famous act, though, was his vanishing act.  He would count;
uno
dos
and suddenly he would disappear without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6suv4y/there_was_once_a_great_mexican_magician/
%
A rope walked into a bar

The rope asked the bartender: "can I get a
Bud Lite?"
The bartender responded: "Sir, we don't serve ropes"
The rope went into the bathroom with a knife and frayed himself, then went back to the bar
The rope asked again: "Can I get a Bud Lite?"
The bartender responded: "weren't you that guy who was here earlier?"
The rope responded: "I'm afrayed not sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6suu4n/a_rope_walked_into_a_bar/
%
My wife laughed when I said I still have the body of a 25 year old.

Until I showed it to her in the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6suu0d/my_wife_laughed_when_i_said_i_still_have_the_body/
%
Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6suraj/communism_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
Why are so many online nerds voting far-right?

They are terrible at socializing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6suozh/why_are_so_many_online_nerds_voting_farright/
%
How can you tell that a wedding cake is sad?

Just look at the tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sulv7/how_can_you_tell_that_a_wedding_cake_is_sad/
%
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused...

**It must have been the delivery.**
* I meant to note that I originally posted this as a comment in another joke, but thought I'd try it as a stand-alone joke
* This is literally a true story.  She gave birth to an amazing little girl on Tuesday evening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sukhj/while_my_wife_was_in_labor_i_read_her_jokes_to/
%
A short history of Poland:

"And then it got worse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6suk1v/a_short_history_of_poland/
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Should you joke about sodium...?

Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sufsl/should_you_joke_about_sodium/
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A guy goes to the supermarket

And notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6suclu/a_guy_goes_to_the_supermarket/
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Why did the janitor with a speech impediment miss his shift?

He overswept

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6subdo/why_did_the_janitor_with_a_speech_impediment_miss/
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A man is incomplete until he marries

Then, he is finished

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6suaus/a_man_is_incomplete_until_he_marries/
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A man was riding his Harley along a California highway...

suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said: 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a  bridge to  Hawaii  so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of  something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want  to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to  help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6su6mg/a_man_was_riding_his_harley_along_a_california/
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I told my dad the strip club had the best steaks in town. He told me what their slogan should be.

You can't beat the meat here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6su3rk/i_told_my_dad_the_strip_club_had_the_best_steaks/
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"Real" Beer

The CEOs of AB InBev, Molson Coors and Guinness are at the bar.
The CEO of AB InBev orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Molson Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a sparkling water.
The other two CEOs turn to the CEO of Guinness and ask him why he isn't ordering a Guinness to which he replies:
"If you two aren't drinking beer, then neither will I!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6su3bx/real_beer/
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago

Since then, my mugging attempts have much more successful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sty7o/i_started_carrying_a_knife_after_an_attempted/
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I didn't let my boyfriend ejaculate in my eye because semen shoots out his dick like a bullet.

He was mad at first but then he came a round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6stvia/i_didnt_let_my_boyfriend_ejaculate_in_my_eye/
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So a guy wants to go hunting with his wife and it's raining...

His wife says "I'm not going hunting in the rain!"
He says "You're going hunting in the rain or I'm going to fuck you in the ass or you're sucking my cock, so make up your mind while I go get the dogs ready!"
He comes back into the house and his wife tells him "I'm not going hunting in the rain and you sure as hell aren't fucking me in the ass, so come here and I'll suck your cock."
So she starts sucking his cock before spitting in disgust and shouts "What the fuck!? Your dick tastes like shit!"
The man says "Yeah... the dogs didn't want to go hunting either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6stvck/so_a_guy_wants_to_go_hunting_with_his_wife_and/
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A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6stu0y/a_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man and his wife finish having sex and she notices afterwards there's only 1 condom left in the pack of six...

"What happened to the others?" She asks him.
"I masturbated into them" he explains.
Later that night the wife is out with a guy friend and decides to ask him if he ever does this.
"Sure! All the time" he tells her.
"Really? You masturbate into condoms all the time"? She asks.
"No!" He laughs. "I thought you meant lie to your wife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6stt2a/a_man_and_his_wife_finish_having_sex_and_she/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korea's missiles can't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6stsay/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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What kind of tea is painfully hard to swallow?

Reality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6strgj/what_kind_of_tea_is_painfully_hard_to_swallow/
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I went to a dinner and when I came back my friend asked me how it was.

"It would have been great if the wine had been as cold as the soup, the beef as rare as the service, the brandy as old as the fish, the fish as fresh as the maid, and the maid as willing as the Hostess!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6stpks/i_went_to_a_dinner_and_when_i_came_back_my_friend/
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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

...that way, you don't have to break open that stupid ribcage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6stob9/the_way_to_a_mans_heart_is_through_his_stomach/
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Finally found my book of maps

Atlast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6stnvz/finally_found_my_book_of_maps/
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The Golf Challenge

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.
"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven strokes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6stkpw/the_golf_challenge/
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A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg

the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’’s raining,” he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me,“ she replied.
"No, I’’m sure it was just rain, he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.
"Let’’s not fight about it,” the man said, “let’’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’’s officially raining or snowing.”
As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”
It’’s raining, of course,“ he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ste8h/a_russian_couple_was_walking_down_the_street_in/
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THIS IS A TRUE STORY

When I was in my tenth grade biology honors class, we were tasting a compound known as PTC. For those of you that don't know PTC is a chemical that you can either taste, super-taste or not taste at all and it depends entirely on genetics. I couldn't taste it but my tablemate Eric (made up name for privacy's sake) could. We were instructed to take the compound home and test to see which parent gave us the gene. The next day everyone had to come to the front and talk about our results. When it was Eric's turn to present he came up to the front and proceeded to tell us that neither of his parents could taste the chemical. My biology teacher was confused, stating that wasn't possible. Then it hit him and he began to apologize and quickly changed the subject
tl ; dr When my biology teacher outed my classmate as adopted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6stdho/this_is_a_true_story/
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Why was the IT professional's wife so frustrated?

Because he kept turning her off then on again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6stb4k/why_was_the_it_professionals_wife_so_frustrated/
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What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Core-ean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6st4eu/what_language_do_they_speak_at_the_center_of_the/
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I once thanked a French guy to death

It was a merci killing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ssym2/i_once_thanked_a_french_guy_to_death/
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ssxml/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for/
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Australian Bricklayer

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......
----------
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ssuf9/australian_bricklayer/
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I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ssrtb/i_had_a_breakthrough_today_and_got_in_touch_with/
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A mother finds out she has cancer

A mother and daughter visit the doctor to get the results of the mom's pap-smear.
"It's stage-4 cervical cancer. You have 1 month left", the doctor says.
The mother is devastated. She gathers all her girlfriends for one last brunch.
At the brunch she announces, "Bad news, the doctor said I have 1 month to live. I have AIDS."
Her friends are shocked. They offer their condolences and hurriedly depart.
"But mom", the daughter protests "You have cancer. Why did you tell them you have AIDS?"
Mom replies, "Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ssrj1/a_mother_finds_out_she_has_cancer/
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If two vegans are arguing...

Is it still considered beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ssnsc/if_two_vegans_are_arguing/
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The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria.

One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ssh5q/the_scientific_term_for_lazy_eye_is_atchaphoria/
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Nipped In The Nuts

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure,  an extremely beautiful nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. The man is going almost crazy with lust for this perfect specimen, in her tight white starched uniform, her come-hither smile, her cleavage trying to burst free, her perfect legs ascending to the Gates of Paradise... OMG!
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy, if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord will be easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating furiously.
Curious, the man asks,” What are they doing in there”?
The nurse responds, “They’re preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obamacare.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ssh5i/nipped_in_the_nuts/
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What are you drinking there, son?

Son: soy milk
Dad: hola milk, soy tu padre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ssewo/what_are_you_drinking_there_son/
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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart.
It was pretty simple, Rachel always painted her nails purple and Dave had a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ssdf3/i_once_dated_a_girl_who_had_a_twin/
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A pianist is applying for a job playing piano in a fancy restaurant.

So the manager takes him up to the piano and says 'OK show me what you can do'
The pianist says
'Sure, but the music might be unfamiliar to you because I only play my own compositions'
The manager says
'That's no problem, take it away'
The pianist begins to play the most emotionally stirring piece of music the manager has ever heard. It's achingly beautiful and almost brings a tear to the managers eye.
Choking back tears the manager says 'That is beautiful, what to do you call it?'
The pianist replies 'I fucked your mother in the ass and she shit on my balls'
The manager is slightly taken aback and says
'Well that is quite the title...Can you play something else?'
The pianist begins to play. Again the music is hauntingly beautiful, it's as though angels from heaven were dancing on the keys
The manager, again holding back tears asks what it's called. The pianist replies
'There's blood on my cock from fucking your slut sister on her period'
The manager is again taken aback and asks him to play a final piece. This piece is even more beautiful than the last, and again the manager asks what it is called. The pianist replies
'You shoved your shit into your grandmothers cunt, while I fucked your grandfather in the mouth'
The manager replies
'Well, I'm going to have to hire you even if your titles are somewhat unusual. You can start this Friday'
So Friday rolls around and the pianist arrives and is seated at his piano about to play when a woman with huge breasts and a low cut top walks by. The pianist is intensely aroused, and quickly runs off to the toilet to masturbate. He quickly finishes and is running back to the piano, unfortunately forgetting to clean himself up properly.
As he is just about to sit back down at the piano a woman comes up to him and says,
'Excuse me sir, do you know your cock is hanging out and there is semen all over your pants?'
The pianist replies,
'Know it?...I fucking wrote it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ssb7n/a_pianist_is_applying_for_a_job_playing_piano_in/
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Hello, I'd like to introduce you to my friend. He's a Jewish Barista.

Hebrew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ssb3j/hello_id_like_to_introduce_you_to_my_friend_hes_a/
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What organ can expand to 10 times it is size............

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student
Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
"Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ss98q/what_organ_can_expand_to_10_times_it_is_size/
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Does anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ss74r/does_anyone_want_to_buy_a_broken_barometer/
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Some words look lit when read upside down

Like " sapnu puaS "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ss37i/some_words_look_lit_when_read_upside_down/
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Why doesn't the bicycle walk?

It's two tyred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ss18d/why_doesnt_the_bicycle_walk/
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I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ss03g/i_love_volunteering_at_the_aids_clinic/
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What do you call a BBQ full of wiggers?

Limp Brizket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6srwii/what_do_you_call_a_bbq_full_of_wiggers/
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What do you call a place where lesbian eskimos go to drink?

A Klondike bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6srnum/what_do_you_call_a_place_where_lesbian_eskimos_go/
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A joke on telemarketers from Seinfeld

**Jerry:** This isn’t a good time.
**Telemarketer:** When would be a good time to call back, sir?
**Jerry:** I have an idea, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back later?
**Telemarketer:** Umm, we’re not allowed to do that.
**Jerry:** Oh, I guess because you don’t want strangers calling you at home.
**Telemarketer:** Umm, no.
**Jerry:** Well, now you know how I feel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6srmh7/a_joke_on_telemarketers_from_seinfeld/
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A man begins to suspect he has a tapeworm, so he goes to the doctor...

The doctor examines him and confirms that yes, he does have a tapeworm. "And it's a pretty wily one, too. Every time I try to yank it out, it just darts away. I'm gonna have to resort to more unorthodox methods..."
The man doesn't like the sound of that, but he's desperate to get rid of the problem.
"I want you to come back tomorrow. Bring a banana and a cookie."
"But why?" the man says.
"Just do it."
So the guy leaves. The next day he comes back with a banana and a cookie. "Alright. Bend over. And brace yourself. This is gonna hurt like hell."
The guy bends over and the doctor jams the banana right up his ass until it's completely gone. The guy hollers in agony. "What the hell doc!?"
"Trust me!" the doc says.
The doctor checks his watch, and exactly ten minutes later, he tells the guy to bend over again. The guy does, and the doctor jams the cookie up his ass. There are even more howls of pain and anguish. But the doctor tells him to pull up his pants and head home. "But come back tomorrow with another banana, and another cookie."
"You gotta be shittin' me, doc!"
"Trust me!" the doc says.
So away the guy goes, and he comes back the next day with a banana and another cookie. The same thing happens, along with equal amounts of screaming in agony. The doc jams the banana up the man's ass, and ten minutes later, the cookie. The doc tells him to come back again the next day with another banana and cookie, and the next day, and the next day.
"Doc, I can't take much more of this..." the guy whimpers after a week.
"Trust me," the doc says. "Not much longer now."
Finally after two weeks of bananas and cookies, the doc tells him, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a hammer."
"Oh no!" the guy says, turning pale with fright. "A goddamn hammer?"
"Trust me," the doc says.
"Well, I've come this far. And this tapeworm is driving me nuts. It can't get much worse."
So he comes back the next day with a banana and a hammer. As usual the doctor crams the banana right up his ass, to much howling and screaming. Then he waits 11 minutes.
Suddenly, the little tapeworm pokes his head out of the man's asshole and says, "Hey! Where the fuck's my cookie!?"
BAM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6srkb5/a_man_begins_to_suspect_he_has_a_tapeworm_so_he/
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I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?

Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6srjvh/id_like_to_buy_a_bed_please_certainly_madam/
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Why did the pirate go to a pilates class ?

To get some Booty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6srjse/why_did_the_pirate_go_to_a_pilates_class/
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What do environmentalists and Redditors have in common?

They're both damn good at recycling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sre8v/what_do_environmentalists_and_redditors_have_in/
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To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sre44/to_teach_kids_about_democracy_i_let_them_vote_on/
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[An old joke from my grandpa]Me and my friend were traveling across the country...

All of a sudden, the car started sputtering, and smoking, and came to a dead stop.
We hiked about two miles, and came across an old farm house. We walked up, and knocked on the door.
A grizzled old farmer answered, and asked what he could do for us. We told him about our car, and that we needed a place to stay for the night.
He said yes, on the condition we do no touch his 2 daughters, and we agreed.
Later, after the farmer had fallen asleep, and as we're getting ready for bed, two gorgeous women enter our room, start stripping, and proceed to have sex with me and my friend.
The next morning, I see that my friend is gone. I get dressed, and go downstairs.
The old farmer hands me a cup of coffee, and asks how my sleep was.
Me: It was wonderful sir! I haven't slept so good in ages!
Farmer: Glad t'hear it, son. Say...I have a beautiful fruit garden out back, I already told your friend to help himself to 100 pieces of whatever fruit he wants! Why don't you do the same!
Me: Thank you, sir! I love fruit. I'll take 100 grapes!
So I go out, pick 100 beautiful juicy grapes, come back inside only to see the old farmer holding a shotgun.
Farmer: You broke the agreement. Start shoving those grapes up your ass!
Panicking, I start shoving grapes up my ass. I get up to 25, and start to giggle. The old farmer points the gun closer. I get to 50, and let out a loud snort of laughter.
Farmer: Less laughin', more shovin'!
I get up to 75 grapes, and start laughing uncontrollably. I have tears in my eyes I'm laughing so hard! The farmer starts to giggle himself, and asks me what the hell is so damn funny.
I wipe the laughter tears from my eyes, and say, "My friend! He's picking watermelons!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6srdug/an_old_joke_from_my_grandpame_and_my_friend_were/
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What did the french trademark lawyer say to her wife?

Je™

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sraff/what_did_the_french_trademark_lawyer_say_to_her/
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I have a Stalin joke.

You just gotta wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sr931/i_have_a_stalin_joke/
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I don’t know why everyone is afraid of an F5 tornado...

It’s just a refreshing breeze!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sr7dm/i_dont_know_why_everyone_is_afraid_of_an_f5/
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I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids.

But when I came back home, they were still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sr4wy/i_had_a_vasectomy_because_i_didnt_want_to_have/
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What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles in your pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sr21t/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Two men, about to be hung from the gallows

Dave turns to John, and asks:
Dave: Why did the chicken cross the road?
John: I don't know.
Dave: Me neither, but I'll see you on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sqxlp/two_men_about_to_be_hung_from_the_gallows/
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Sleeping with Bob.

The guys were all at a deer camp.  No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly..  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!  He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned,  older cowboy, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it..  They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  Bob sat up and watched me all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sqx0u/sleeping_with_bob/
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Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.""Okay then," said Fred, a big man almost 60 years old, as he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. It's length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied. She ran out of the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sqwq7/nurses_arent_supposed_to_laugh/
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What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder w/cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sqw85/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_with_a_yeast/
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A golfer love story.

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband
reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I
have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful
to me?”
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've
been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we
were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the
mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and
the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you
for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went
to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at
no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of
course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for
president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6squuh/a_golfer_love_story/
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What's a Shakespearean ellipsis?

Doth doth doth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sqsej/whats_a_shakespearean_ellipsis/
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A Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sqq3y/a_cardiologists_funeral/
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My girl asked me what I thought about babies

Apparently "depends on how they're cooked" was not any acceptable answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sqozg/my_girl_asked_me_what_i_thought_about_babies/
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Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From a well, actually...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sqntv/where_does_a_mansplainer_get_his_water/
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I can't make it to the erectile dysfunction meeting

Something came up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sqlil/i_cant_make_it_to_the_erectile_dysfunction_meeting/
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Why should you never eat Jolly Green Giant vegetables?

Because he always stands over the corn and peas.
Ho ho ho....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sql55/why_should_you_never_eat_jolly_green_giant/
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What kind of oranges do sailors eat to fight off scurvy?

Navel oranges

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sqijq/what_kind_of_oranges_do_sailors_eat_to_fight_off/
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My dad just got arrested for assaulting a minor..

Which is bullshit, he didn't even work in the mines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sqat0/my_dad_just_got_arrested_for_assaulting_a_minor/
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A husband and wife were in a shipwreck and ended up on a desert island...

After a few months of isolation, the man and woman noticed a raft bobbing in the waves.  When the raft landed, a man emerged, yet another victim of a shipwreck.  The man and woman welcome the newcomer.
"We've made things as comfortable for us as we can", the man told the new guy.  "We have a shelter, tools, plenty of fruit and wild animals to eat.  We've even built a watch tower to watch for passing ships.  In fact, having a 3rd person here will greatly help with watchtower shifts.  Why don't you take first shift?"
The new guy climbs the tower and starts scanning the horizon.  Soon, he looks down at the couple and yells, "Hey! No fucking!"
"We're not. We are cleaning fish!" They reply.
A little while later, from the watchtower they hear, "Hey! Stop fucking down there!"
"We are only chopping firewood!" The couple reply.
By and by, from the watchtower again, "Hey! I thought y'all weren't fucking!"
"We aren't!", they yell.  "We are sharpening sticks!"
After a time, the husband of the couple climbs the tower. "Alright, new guy.  Get some rest.  I'll take over from here."
The new guy climbs down.  After awhile, the husband looks down.  "Ha... It DOES look like they're fucking from up here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sq89u/a_husband_and_wife_were_in_a_shipwreck_and_ended/
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Love is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6spx73/love_is_like_a_fart/
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A lady walks up to a Scot...

A lady walks up to a Scot wearing a kilt and asks... 'Is anything worn under the kilt?'
'No', he said. 'It's all in perfect condition'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6spvm7/a_lady_walks_up_to_a_scot/
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What's a Russian emperors favorite fish?

*CZAR-DINES*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6spt3l/whats_a_russian_emperors_favorite_fish/
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How does the ghost of a janitor communicate with the living world?

Squeegee board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6spsu8/how_does_the_ghost_of_a_janitor_communicate_with/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6spqgl/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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Japan's worst kamikaze pilot

He flew over 25 missions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sphxm/japans_worst_kamikaze_pilot/
%
So John goes on a ride in the forest with his horse and dog

His dog running alongside him, while he is sitting on the horse. But they're not going fast enough for John, so he gives the horse the ol' heel-in-the-side. To which the horse halts abruptly and exclaims" HEY, easy! How would you like to get kicked by me for once?"
John's face goes pale, he jumps off the horse and hauls ass into the woods, his dog right behind him. After a few minutes he gets tired and hides behind a boulder with his dog. John looks at the ground, trembling and says to himself "How the fuck did the horse just talk?"
His dog puts a paw on him and goes "Yeah, right? That scared me shitless back there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sph09/so_john_goes_on_a_ride_in_the_forest_with_his/
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When Bill and Hillary first got married

Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.” Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”
Bill answered: “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6spfxd/when_bill_and_hillary_first_got_married/
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A millihelen.

A face that could launch one ship...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6spam2/a_millihelen/
%
How is Kim Jong Un a cross between a penis and a potato?

He's a dictator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sp9w5/how_is_kim_jong_un_a_cross_between_a_penis_and_a/
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John Candy offered John Goodman sweets

John: Candy?
John: Nah, I'm good, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sp7en/john_candy_offered_john_goodman_sweets/
%
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any more children.

Apparently a vasectomy doesn't stop you from having children, it only changes the colour of their skin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sp7bd/i_had_a_vasectomy_because_i_didnt_want_any_more/
%
My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sp5kv/my_carbon_monoxide_alarm_went_off_in_the_middle/
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What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sp4t7/what_do_pink_floyd_and_princess_diana_have_in/
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Who is the most innocent president?

Lincoln, as he was in a cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sp4as/who_is_the_most_innocent_president/
%
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sp0bc/a_woman_asked_a_general_in_the_army_the_last_time/
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I bought a car that once belonged to an exorcist.

Unfortunately, it got repossessed.
[OC]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sp0at/i_bought_a_car_that_once_belonged_to_an_exorcist/
%
Knock knock

- Who's there?
- To
- To who?
- No, it's 'to whom'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6soz5e/knock_knock/
%
There was a cross-eyed teacher who got fired

Because she couldnt control her pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6soyjv/there_was_a_crosseyed_teacher_who_got_fired/
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Snail with an attitude

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?!?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sov4q/snail_with_an_attitude/
%
"Ashley, I fucked a redditor last night"

"Jeez, how did you know he was a redditor? He gave his username?"
"Nah"
"Then how the fuck do you know he was a redditor?"
"He said I was better than I coconut"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sot9o/ashley_i_fucked_a_redditor_last_night/
%
Why was Hitler Disqualified from the marathon?

He cant finish a Race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sos3m/why_was_hitler_disqualified_from_the_marathon/
%
Jesus was able to hold the 12 apostles together...

He acted as a crossmemeber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sos0h/jesus_was_able_to_hold_the_12_apostles_together/
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Who's the most prepared person on earth?

Justin Case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sonk6/whos_the_most_prepared_person_on_earth/
%
What do you call it when Steve Buscemi dances?

A Steve Bu-shimmy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6son73/what_do_you_call_it_when_steve_buscemi_dances/
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Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6somjg/son_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
%
It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart.

One will see you later.
And one will see you after a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sok2m/its_not_difficult_to_tell_alligators_and/
%
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you will hate it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6soh5n/what_do_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
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A Blonde Buys Two Horses

A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse’s tail tore in the same place, and the blonde was no longer able to tell the two horses apart.
She returned to her neighbor, who then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again, the blonde couldn’t tell the two horses apart and went back to her neighbor for advice. The neighbor suggested that she measure the horses for height.
When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6socci/a_blonde_buys_two_horses/
%
Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."

Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6socas/wife_says_to_her_programmer_husband_go_to_the/
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What do you call a music group that has been participating in illegal activity online

The Black IPs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6soakq/what_do_you_call_a_music_group_that_has_been/
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A man named Jose has just moved from Mexico to the US

and he wants to do something very American so he decides to go to a baseball game.
Unfortunately, the game is completely sold out.  However, the cashier says there is one seat available if Jose is willing to sit atop the flag pole. He agrees.
Finding the pole, Jose climbs to the top and takes a seat.
The game is about to begin when a voice comes over the loudspeaker and says "Please rise for the National Anthem". Everyone in the stadium stands up, turns to Jose, puts their hands over their hearts, and sings
"O-OH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEE..."
Jose yells back "YES THANK YOU"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6so7x3/a_man_named_jose_has_just_moved_from_mexico_to/
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I have an EpiPen...

My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6so576/i_have_an_epipen/
%
Why does God love North Koreans?

Because they are the Choson people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6so1nd/why_does_god_love_north_koreans/
%
Mom: Gary, am I a bad parent?

Son: My name is Dave...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6snviq/mom_gary_am_i_a_bad_parent/
%
What do you call a buck on hormones?

Transgendeer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6snthl/what_do_you_call_a_buck_on_hormones/
%
Never play uno with a Mexican

They take all the green cards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6snt60/never_play_uno_with_a_mexican/
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What do you have when you have 16 copies of the Wizard of Oz?

The Wizard of Lb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6snqqj/what_do_you_have_when_you_have_16_copies_of_the/
%
What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6snmz2/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
%
A church puts up an ad for a new bell ringer.

Lo and behold, who should come to the door but a well-meaning townsman. He looks responsible and courteous, but there's one problem - he doesn't have arms. The priest says, "My son, it's great that you want to be a bell ringer, but you don't have any arms. How do you expect to ring the bells like this?" The townsman just smiles and says, "Watch this." He climbs up the stairs to the tower, pauses at the top, then starts *smacking his face against the bells* and making beautiful music. The priest is astonished. "This is incredible! You're hired!" The townsman thanks the priest, and, just as he is about to strike the last note, misses and falls from the tower to the ground below. He's knocked out, and a bunch of villagers gather around him. One asks the concerned priest, "Father, who is this guy?"
To which, the priest simply responds, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sne81/a_church_puts_up_an_ad_for_a_new_bell_ringer/
%
Two old couples have dinner together...

...and afterwards, the wives go into the kitchen to make coffee while the husbands sit chatting at the table.
"So, Frank, you been eating out at all?"
"Yeah, we went to a new restaurant last week--you'd love it!"
"Really?  What is it called?"
"Oh, gosh, me and my memory...damn.  You'll have to help me out...what is the name of that flower--you know--it's red and has thorns?"
"A rose?"
"Yeah, that's it!" he says, turning to the kitchen. "Hey, Rose, what was the name of that place we ate last week?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sndzo/two_old_couples_have_dinner_together/
%
He HAD to know!

A new girl started high school and the rumor quickly spread that she was a hermaphrodite. After googling what that word meant, little Johnny was intrigued and could think of nothing else. A girl with a vagina AND a penis?  How is that possible?  How would that work and what would it look like?  Would the penis hang in front of or behind the vagina?
He HAD to know!
After a few weeks of his imagination tormenting him about the girl he finally worked up the nerve to ask her out on a date.  After dinner and a movie he parked at a lonely spot and they began making out.
Just as he was about to slip his hand in her pants and answer all his questions she stopped him and said, "Uh, just a minute. I have to go to the bathroom."  And went around behind the car and squatted down.
Thinking this may be his only chance, Johnny slipped out and crawled under the car to see what he could see. Sure enough in the moonlight he could see something hanging down between her legs. In the excitement of finally having his questions answered, Johnny reached out and grabbed it.
Started, she said, "Johnny!  I didn't know you were back there!"
And Johnny said, "Yeah, and I didn't know you were taking a shit, either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6snd1t/he_had_to_know/
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What do women and condoms have in common?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sn98v/what_do_women_and_condoms_have_in_common/
%
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sn8rz/white_people_dont_shoot_each_other_in_the_streets/
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Statistics say that 95% of the population is dumb

I'm glad to be in the 10% that isn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sn5w1/statistics_say_that_95_of_the_population_is_dumb/
%
I like my women how I like the borders of my Excel cells

With a thick bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sn46n/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_the_borders_of_my/
%
A bottle of Scotch

An old Scotsman is lying on his deathbed, and he gasped out one last request. He says to his friend who's at his bedside:"Remember that fine old bottle of Scotch me father bought on the day I was born, that I've saved all these many years?". His friend shakes his head "yes". The old man says:"Would ya do me a great favor, and pour it over me grave when I'm gone?". His friend replies:"Surely lad, but do ya mind if I strain it through me kidneys first?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sn458/a_bottle_of_scotch/
%
A pair of 18 year old twin brothers live together on a farm in the middle of nowhere...

The house is small so they have to sleep in the barn. One night there's a terrible rainstorm and a beautiful young woman asks for shelter for the night. She's told to sleep in the barn with the brothers.
The young woman decides that she wants to fool around with the brothers, but can tell they're completely naive and need some basic sex education.
"I need you both to wear these condoms so I don't get pregnant."
They comply, do the deed, and the woman leaves first thing in the morning.
Many years go by and the brothers stay on the farm, mostly isolated from the world. The two gray-haired brothers are sitting on the porch enjoying the breeze. One says to the other:
"Hey you remember that nice girl that came to visit us in the barn when we were 18?"
"Yep."
"Do you still care if she gets pregnant?"
"I reckon it don't matter no more."
"Well then lets take these god damn condoms off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sn34k/a_pair_of_18_year_old_twin_brothers_live_together/
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How does a terrorist know what type of bomb he's using?

Well, he can C4 himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sn33o/how_does_a_terrorist_know_what_type_of_bomb_hes/
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If "Racecar" is "Racecar" backwards, what is "Racecar" sideways?

How Paul Walker died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sn11d/if_racecar_is_racecar_backwards_what_is_racecar/
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Horse Trading [Long] NSFW

So, there's a little person with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. He finds his way to a horse farm and knocks on the door.
"Do you have any hawthes fauw thale?" he asks the horse breeder.
"Why, sure we got horses. Are you looking for anything in particular?" asks the farmer.
"Lemme thee the meeyaths" says the little fellow.
The horse farmer walks the man out to the horse stables and he points to the mares. "Females are on the right side of the barn."
The small man asks to see a gray mare up close. "That one thaya. Lemme thee ha up cwothe."
The farmer brings a tall, beautiful gray mare out into the center of the barn for inspection.
"Oh wow. Sheeth pwetty. Lemme thee ha teef."
"Her teeth?" asks the farmer.
"Yeah, I wanna thee ha teef. Jutht hold me up to ha mouf tho I can thee ha teef."
The farmer lifts the small man up to the horse's mouth and his prospective client gently folds back the mare's lips to inspect the animal's teeth.
"Oh yeah, theeth teef look nithe. Now lemme thee ha eerth."
The farmer holds him up higher, and the man inspects the horse's ears.
"Yep, yep. Thith ith a nithe mayeh."
The farmer puts the man down and he circles the horse, inspecting every inch.
'Now, i'd like to thee ha twat."
'Her what?' asks the farmer.
'Ha twat. I might bweed ha, tho I need to thee ha twat.'
Now, this is a fine mare, and the little man clearly knows that he is buying a fine breeder, so the farmer obliges. He lifts the little man up, and turns his head away so he doesn't need to watch this part of the inspection.
The little man yells, but his voice is muffled due to the fact that his face is planted firmly in the horse's genitals. The farmer puts the man back on the ground and looks at him, obviously disgusted.
'Why'd you put me up theya? I thaid I wanna thee ha twat!"
"Well, that's the horse's twat, sir."
"No, you idiot! I don't want to thee ha twat, I just want to thee ha twat!! You know, I wanna watch ha wun awound a wittle bit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smzi5/horse_trading_long_nsfw/
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A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store...

She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smyt6/a_programmers_wife_sends_him_to_the_grocery_store/
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Once in a while comes a xxx joke that needs a salute.

A guy on his wedding night finding that his wife was a Virgin exclaimed: "I want to Kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity."
She gave a naughty smile and said:
"KISS MY ASS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smy8c/once_in_a_while_comes_a_xxx_joke_that_needs_a/
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So I got pulled over the other day...

The Officer asked, "Are you drinking?"
I said, "You buying?"
We just laughed and laughed and laughed...
I need bail money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sms3v/so_i_got_pulled_over_the_other_day/
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What did the taxi driver say to the wolf?

Where-wolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smrjc/what_did_the_taxi_driver_say_to_the_wolf/
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What's E.T. short for?

He's got little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smq3s/whats_et_short_for/
%
So apparently I have multiple personality disorder

I'm as surprised as I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smpky/so_apparently_i_have_multiple_personality_disorder/
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I was given 2 months to live

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live.
So I shot him.
Judge gave me 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smpey/i_was_given_2_months_to_live/
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An old farmer lived with his wife and three sons on a farm...

The only thing of value they had was this cow who provided milk to make cheese and butter.  They would sell those things to buy food to sustain the family. One day, the father wakes up and looks out to the field and sees the cow dead on the ground. He lost hope and hung himself in he closet.  Next, the wife woke up and saw the dead cow and her dead husband so she ran off and threw herself into the stream.  Then the eldest son wakes up sees the dead cow, his dead father, and he goes over to the stream and sees her mother wash up on the bank. Not knowing what to do, he plopped on a rock and sulked for a while when a gorgeous leprechaun walked out from behind a tree.
“You’re having a rough day?” She asks.
“I should say so.” He sighs.
“How about I make you a deal? If you can make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I’ll bring everyone back to life, including the cow. Now what do you say to that?”
The boy nodded and said, “Well look at you- you’re young and good looking. I think I’ll give it a go.”
They start but unfortunately he doesn’t quite make it so she kills him and throws him into the river.
Later on the next son wakes up, sees the dead cow, his dead father, and his dead mother and brother both on the bank of the stream. The leprechaun reveals herself again and gives him the same offer, “If you can make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I will bring everyone back including the cow.”
The boy nods his head, “I guess I can try. I have nothing to lose.”  So he gives it a shot but he too doesn’t make I so she kills him and throws him in the stream with his brother and mother.
Finally, the youngest son wakes up. He just turned 17. He sees the cow dead, his father, mother and two brothers dead and then spies that gorgeous female leprechaun standing there.
“Having a bad day?” She says.
The boy nods and sighs, “I guess I am.”
“How about I make you a deal? If you can make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I’ll bring everyone back to life including the cow.”
He thinks on it saying, “Hmm that’s tempting but what if I was to make love with you fifteen times in a row?”
She laughs for a bit then says, “If you were to do that, I would put a large mansion where your tiny hut is now and I would bring everyone back to life, including the cow.”
The boy ponders, “That’s great and all, but what if I was to make love with you twenty times in a row?”
The leprechaun nearly in tears says, “If you were to do that, I’d bring everyone back to life including the cow, I’d put a mansion where your hut is now, and I’d get you a bottomless pot of gold so you never run out of money.”
The boy I elated, “Ok we have a deal! But before we start, I just have to ask, if I was to make love with you twenty times in a row without stopping, what’s preventing you from dying from it? The cow did.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smnss/an_old_farmer_lived_with_his_wife_and_three_sons/
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A boy and a girl are playing naked in the sand, when the boy starts laughing at the girl that she does not have a peepee. The girl just grins and says...

When I grow up, I will have as many peepees as I like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sml2m/a_boy_and_a_girl_are_playing_naked_in_the_sand/
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Why does it take pirates forever to learn the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smhgt/why_does_it_take_pirates_forever_to_learn_the/
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I really hate men that says women belongs in the kitchen

How are they then supposed to clean the rest of the house?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smfw5/i_really_hate_men_that_says_women_belongs_in_the/
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I once met a drummer who's timing was so bad, he began to get depressed...

Eventually, he threw himself behind a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smdd4/i_once_met_a_drummer_whos_timing_was_so_bad_he/
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Why does the cell always fail at Math?

It performs division for multiplication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smd8k/why_does_the_cell_always_fail_at_math/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian are in a maternity ward waiting room

A nurse comes in and says, "Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but there's been a mixup with the babies. Could you please help sort it out?"
She takes them to the nursery and shows two white babies and one black baby. The Englishman picks up the black baby and starts walking off. The Nigerian says, "What the hell are you doing?"
The Englishman replies, "I'm sorry, but one of the other two babies is French, and I can't take that chance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smd5x/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_a_nigerian_are_in_a/
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A spider just walked onto the keyboard!

Ooook I think it's under cntrl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smbpw/a_spider_just_walked_onto_the_keyboard/
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What do Iranians and Americans have in common?

They both hate the US government

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6smbgz/what_do_iranians_and_americans_have_in_common/
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What did the butcher do after he forgave the thief?

He let him off the hook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sm8ys/what_did_the_butcher_do_after_he_forgave_the_thief/
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Why did the 100 legged bug spin around in circles before attacking its prey?

To gain centipedal force

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sm7v2/why_did_the_100_legged_bug_spin_around_in_circles/
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I got arrested buying E-Cigs for minors...

They charged me with statutory vape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sm797/i_got_arrested_buying_ecigs_for_minors/
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A Circle of Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are called -- I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear end?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you such a name."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sm249/a_circle_of_flies/
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A handicapped man stole my bag...

You can hide but you cant run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sm1jo/a_handicapped_man_stole_my_bag/
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I grew up in a rough part of town...

The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6slzx9/i_grew_up_in_a_rough_part_of_town/
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Why is Kim Jong Un so crazy?

His father was mentally Il.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6slz7y/why_is_kim_jong_un_so_crazy/
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I've been searching this community for posts containing specific fruit porn.

But there is no orange anal content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6slwfm/ive_been_searching_this_community_for_posts/
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A blind man walks into a bar

The bartender looks up and says,"Hey haven't seen you in forever!". The blind man says," me too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6slu8i/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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If fortune favors the bold..

How come I was arrested for streaking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sls1l/if_fortune_favors_the_bold/
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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6slq0p/if_i_got_1_every_time_somebody_called_me_a_racist/
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing a seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6slnca/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
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Supreme Court

Is just regular court with sour cream and tomatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6slmrv/supreme_court/
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Would you remarry?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6slk7c/would_you_remarry/
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How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

Definitely more than 6, because my basement is still dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6slk4g/how_many_women_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
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My friend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public.

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sljzh/my_friend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_oasis_songs_in/
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Where would you find a dog without legs?

Where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6slicf/where_would_you_find_a_dog_without_legs/
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What's a Mexican's favourite novel?

Tequila Mockingbird.
(I'm sure this joke has been made before, but I thought it up this morning.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sldb9/whats_a_mexicans_favourite_novel/
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I liked it better when Donald Trump used to say "you're fired" to people

instead of to inter-continental ballistic missiles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sld4s/i_liked_it_better_when_donald_trump_used_to_say/
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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sl9ia/two_90_year_old_men_mike_and_joe_have_been/
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Why do JavaScripters wear glasses?

Because they don't C#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sl965/why_do_javascripters_wear_glasses/
%
What happens when a bottle of water walks into a bar on a hot day?

It gets drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sl4ax/what_happens_when_a_bottle_of_water_walks_into_a/
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I want to make a funeral home in the forest

I'll call it "Mourning Wood"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sl3dj/i_want_to_make_a_funeral_home_in_the_forest/
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Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it?

Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sl25w/why_do_kids_hate_coffee_but_adults_enjoy_it/
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My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books...

But he's only got his shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6skwd9/my_friend_recently_got_crushed_by_a_pile_of_books/
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What did the nuclear physicist have for dinner?

Fission Chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6skt0k/what_did_the_nuclear_physicist_have_for_dinner/
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When I promise to come up with an organ transplant pun...

I de-liver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sksyp/when_i_promise_to_come_up_with_an_organ/
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"I'd like a spell to make me famous," he said.

"OK," said the witch.
He burned for a week before he died. It was the talk of the kingdom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6skrge/id_like_a_spell_to_make_me_famous_he_said/
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Trump is trying to solve global warming

That's why he's trying to create a nuclear winter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6skqv9/trump_is_trying_to_solve_global_warming/
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What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

A bassist.
(Don't get triggered, I play bass and I find this funny)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6skqth/what_do_you_call_a_guitarist_without_a_girlfriend/
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An engineer and a mathematician are brought to a room.

On the other side is a table with a suitcase holding a million dollars. They are told they can only walk half the distance to the table, and then each following move must be half the distance of the previous. The first to get the suitcase will keep it.
The mathematician doesn't move. He says it's simply impossible. You will always have another half to go.
The engineer immediately moves across the room, in halves. He knows he can never reach the suitcase, but he can certainly get close enough to grab it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6skqde/an_engineer_and_a_mathematician_are_brought_to_a/
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People often say that I hang out with the wrong crowd...

They say things like, "Hey, we're over here," and "Hey, you don't even know those people!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6skpgo/people_often_say_that_i_hang_out_with_the_wrong/
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John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary

“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6skox0/john_asks_his_wife_mary_what_she_wants_to/
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The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sknyo/the_sergeantmajor_growled_at_the_young_soldier_i/
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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stands in the back of the room and listens to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explains the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sknns/airman_jones_was_assigned_to_the_induction_center/
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What do you call a Mexican who's run out of protein?

No whey Jose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6skjuo/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_whos_run_out_of_protein/
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TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world.

While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6skj1l/til_france_got_a_different_version_of_the_force/
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I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6skhga/im_american_and_im_sick_of_people_saying_america/
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Paddy and mick

were having lunch together.
Paddy opens his lunch box
"Feck me Mick, that's chicken sandwiches every day for the third week running. If I get chicken again tomorrow I'm gonna go jump off the roof and kill myself"
Mick opens his lunchbox and has a ham sandwich,
"Feckin hell paddy, ham sandwiches again for the third week in a row. If I get ham sandwich again tomorrow in my lunch box I too am going to go to the roof and kill myself"
Next day paddy opens his lunch box and sure enough he has a chicken sandwich. He slams down the lid and proceeds to jump off the roof of the office building
Mick opens his lunch box and sure enough he has a ham sandwich . So he too slams down the lid and jumps off the roof of the office building.
Later on his Co workers are talking and one says I can understand Paddy killing himself but mick always made his own sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6skgvi/paddy_and_mick/
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It's World War 1...

British and German troops are set deep in the French countryside within their respective trenches. Separating them is no man's land, a small field littered with barbed wire, mortar craters, fallen heroes and their armaments.
Shots are being sporadically fired in each direction with no side gaining an advantage.
It's first light and the British officers are having their dawn meeting.
A senior officer starts the proceedings;
"Well chaps, I don't know about you but I think our current strategy is failing. We need to up our game. We need to outsmart the Jerrys and show them who we are. We need a plan!"
They think for a few minutes while sipping from flasks of hot tea until one junior officer pipes up.
"If I may, Sir. I think I have an idea!"
They all turn to the junior with inquisitive looks across their tired and spoiled faces.
"Well, Sir..." Continues the junior. "What is a common German name?"
They all think for a moment until an officer at the back raises his hand.
"Hans. Hans is a common German name."
"Ok!" Replies the junior officer. "We'll try Hans."
With this, he picks up his rifle and heads off out of the bunker to the edge of the trench.
All is deathly quiet as an early morning mist swirls slowly over the bloodstained grass of no man's land.
The junior officer takes position just under the apex of the trench, cups his left hand around his mouth with his right hand clutching his rifle at the ready.
"HANS! HANS! ARE YOU THERE HANS?!" Shouts the junior, breaking the silence.
A moment passes before through the mist, a figure can be seen with his hand up in the German trench.
"JA!" Comes the faint reply
The junior steadies his rifle and squeezes the trigger.
There is a loud crack as the bullet leaves the barrel, spins across the wasteland and hits its target squarely in the chest.
There is a small round of applause from the British officers with gleeful faces as one asks him to try it again.
As before, the junior officer cups his mouth and clutches his rifle.
"HANS! HANS! IS THAT YOU HANS!?"
Another figure presents itself across the top of the German trench and the junior makes his shot.
This continues throughout the day and night with the Germans taking tens of casualties.
By the following morning, the German officers realising they were being picked apart, come together for their own meeting.
"Ve arr losing many mens!" Screams one high ranking  officer, gesturing towards the growing heap of bodies littering the trench. His face growing red with rage.
"Zis cannot continue! Ve needs to play ze English svinehunds at zer own game!"
In his anger, he grabs a junior by the lapels... "Vat iz a common English name?!"
The German junior, squirming, mutters "John. I zink John iz a common English name?"
"Fine!" Comes the reply. "Ve vill try John!"
He snatches a rifle from the clutches of an injured private and climbs to the lip of the trench.
Cupping his left hand around his mouth and readying the rifle, he calls out across no man's land.
" JOHN! JOHN! IZ ZAT YOU JOHN!?"
A faint reply from the British side permeates the quiet...
" NO IT'S HARRY. JOHN'S HAVING A SHIT. IS THAT YOU HANS!?"
"JA!" Replies the German officer, standing and putting his hand up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6skexn/its_world_war_1/
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I love my tits

I hated them at first, but they really grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6skc01/i_love_my_tits/
%
I'm going to kill myself

Or die trying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sk9p1/im_going_to_kill_myself/
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My friend froze himself to -273.16° C

I thought he was gonna die
But he was 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sk8xy/my_friend_froze_himself_to_27316_c/
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Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?

Nevermind, I shouldn't be spreading it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sk6bn/have_you_heard_the_rumor_going_around_about_butter/
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I really shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night.

Especially since I walked there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sk3uf/i_really_shouldnt_have_driven_home_from_the_bar/
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One day, a violent husband leaves his wife.

She posts an ad in a local newspaper: "Looking for a new man. The one who will not beat me, run away, and is good in bed."
Couple of days later someone knocks on her door. She opens them, and there's a guy in a wheelchair, missing both arms and legs.
"Hi. I think I'm a perfect man for you. I don't have arms, so I can't beat you, and because I have no legs, I can't  run away."
"But are you good in bed?" she asks.
He just smiles and says: "Well how do you think I knocked?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sk2xe/one_day_a_violent_husband_leaves_his_wife/
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Why is a man crouching in the store?

Searching for low prices

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sjy71/why_is_a_man_crouching_in_the_store/
%
For my birthday, my girlfriend said I could either have a Rolex or a threesome.

Both sound cool in theory, but a Rolex is expensive and there’s no way I would be able to please 2 women when I can barely last 30 seconds with my girlfriend. I’d get too nervous. But at the same time my girlfriend’s best friend Aimee is really fucking hot.
After my birthday dinner my girlfriend told me “Aimee is on the way and she’s really horny. I’m getting horny too. Are you ready to fuck both of us?”
I said “No, I just wanna watch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sjxqq/for_my_birthday_my_girlfriend_said_i_could_either/
%
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sju8q/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
It's a mailman's last day at work

As he makes his daily rounds, his usual customers hand him their regards. Housewives, businessman, children on their way to school--they give him assorted gifts, including chocolate, flowers, or a simple hug.
As he turns onto the next block, he sees the a blond housewife standing in beautiful, red lingerie, right beneath the doorway. She beckons to him, and takes him upstairs. After making passionate love, they go downstairs where she has prepared a delicious, homely meal for him. While he's eating his dinner, he finds a single dollar bill under his plate. Confused, he shows it to the woman.
Mailman: "'Scuse me, missus, but what's this dollar doin' beneath my dinner?"
She looks at him and giggles.
Blonde Woman: "Why, that was what my husband suggested."
Mailman: "Your husband? What do you mean?"
Blonde Woman: "When I asked him what to give you, he answered; Screw him, give him a dollar. Dinner was my idea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sjth5/its_a_mailmans_last_day_at_work/
%
My wife is quite liberal. The other day she got really mad at me for holding the door for her.

Might have been because it was a revolving door, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sjsbq/my_wife_is_quite_liberal_the_other_day_she_got/
%
A young was boy learning to count and said the wrong number

He didn't mean two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sjrr3/a_young_was_boy_learning_to_count_and_said_the/
%
Bad day

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swing.
Then the poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on, man. I'm just giving you a hard time," the biker says.
"I didn't think you'd CRY.  I can't stand to see a man cry."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs... "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the dang poison!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sjrq0/bad_day/
%
"Shoo ... shoo"

An Irish man is standing in the street, irractically waving his arms in the air shouting "shoo ...shoo".
A puzzled passerby asks him, "What are you doing, Paddy?"
"It keeps the dragons away", he replies.
"There are no dragons, Paddy".
"You're welcome!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sjpuq/shoo_shoo/
%
I am an incredible artist...

I can draw anything but attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sjc0c/i_am_an_incredible_artist/
%
Cheating!!!!

Rod's Wife and Rod Started dieting a week ago.
She proposed that they should have a cheat day today...
She brought home a burger & Rod brought home his Secretary..
From his hospital bed, Rod is wondering when men will  ever begin to understand women.😀😜😀😜

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sj7uw/cheating/
%
What do you call an unknown baker?

John Dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sj6gv/what_do_you_call_an_unknown_baker/
%
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.

Fortified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sj5sk/i_like_my_wine_like_i_like_my_medieval_cities/
%
Rain Rain Go Away

That's what all my haters say.
-cumulonimbus clouds probably

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sj2wn/rain_rain_go_away/
%
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff...

Baa dum tsssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sixy9/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6siwlv/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
%
I want a job hanging mirrors..

I could really see myself doing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6siwam/i_want_a_job_hanging_mirrors/
%
A man rushes into a bar...

... and tells the bartender to quickly give him a shot of the finest whisky. The bartender complies and watches the strange man down it just as soon as it hit the bar.
"Another one! Fast!" the man demanded, and again the bartender complied. After three more rounds, curiosity gets the better of the bartender.
"Why are you downing them so fast? What's your hurry?" asked the  bartender.
"If you knew what I had, you'd be in a hurry too!"
"What do you have?" the bartender asked.
The man drank down his last swallow and said, "No money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6siv7v/a_man_rushes_into_a_bar/
%
My Cocaine Is So White....

Police let it go with a warning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sitw2/my_cocaine_is_so_white/
%
My ex-wife still misses me...

But her aim is gettin' better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6siq8s/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
%
What do you call a caveman who doesn't really know where he's going?

A meanderthal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sikta/what_do_you_call_a_caveman_who_doesnt_really_know/
%
Is necrophilia a funereal disease?

I'm dying to know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6siifa/is_necrophilia_a_funereal_disease/
%
I'm always intimidated when I notice the bathroom stall I'm in is tagged by a gang.

Scares the shit out of me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sih9b/im_always_intimidated_when_i_notice_the_bathroom/
%
How many girls got married at the Convent?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sigag/how_many_girls_got_married_at_the_convent/
%
I like my coffee like I like my slaves....

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sifds/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
I like to be positive

Even though I'm unemployed and recently got evicted, I could still destroy Stephen Hawking in a 100m dash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sieku/i_like_to_be_positive/
%
The Monk's Secret

A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere one night. He sees a sign that says "Monastery 1 mile" and decides maybe they'll let him stay for a night or two while he figures out where to get the car fixed. He goes inside and the monks feed him dinner and let him stay the night. All night the man hears a loud thumping coming from a large wooden door next to his room. The following morning, he decides to ask the monks what was going on behind the door.
"Sorry, we can't tell you" the monks say to him.
"Why not?" the man asks.
"Because you're not a monk."
So, the man asks how one becomes a monk.
"Well" says a monk, "you have to take a long and painstaking pilgrimage across the land, count every grain of sand, every blade of grass, count every inch of sky, and comb the land until you've learned the patience that it takes to become a monk."
The man stops and thinks for a while, but finally, decides to take the plunge and make the journey to become a monk.
Years later, the man returns to the monastery, and speaks to the other monks.
"I've completed my journey. I've counted every grain of sand, every blade of grass. I've counted every inch of sky and combed the land, and I've learned the patience that being a monk takes."
"Very well then" says the monk.
He hands the man a key to the wooden door. The man opens the door with the key, and behind the large wooden door, is a hallway. At the end of the hallway is an even larger bronze door. Behind the bronze door is an even larger silver door. Behind the silver door is a gold door. Behind the gold door, another wooden door. The man begins to become confused. The cycle repeats until finally, he comes to the final door, and behind it, the loud thumping sound. He opens the final door.
And what was behind it? Well, I'd tell you, but you're not a monk, so I can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sie2k/the_monks_secret/
%
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange.

So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What’s up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid."
Husband: "Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sidw1/after_10_years_the_wife_starts_to_think_their_kid/
%
Why does President Trump only drink liquor made by Fox News?

Everything else is fake booze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sicog/why_does_president_trump_only_drink_liquor_made/
%
Last night I was laying in bed looking at the stars and I thought to myself

What the hell happened to my roof?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sibhf/last_night_i_was_laying_in_bed_looking_at_the/
%
Hey girl do you want to be the sun in my life?

Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6siarv/hey_girl_do_you_want_to_be_the_sun_in_my_life/
%
What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?

With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.
But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!
(courtesy of my 12 yr old)
*EDIT: Ok, so apparently, this is courtesy of my favorite comedian, Mitch Hedberg, who made a funny that my daughter heard somehow in the last week.  Also apparently, I need to be a bigger Mitch Hedberg fan because I had never heard this one before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6si95y/whats_the_difference_between_a_traffic_light_and/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's fully groan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6si8iu/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
We’ll, We’ll, We’ll,

if it isn’t autocorrect!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6si72i/well_well_well/
%
Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until

You realize you're a healthy young man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6si6u2/making_jokes_about_trump_taking_us_to_war_is_all/
%
They say having a big ego means you have a small penis

But that cant really be true, because I have a massive ego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6si569/they_say_having_a_big_ego_means_you_have_a_small/
%
Why was the scarecrow promoted?

Because he was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6si2oe/why_was_the_scarecrow_promoted/
%
Vasectomy or no vasectomy,

Vas the deferens.
(I'll show myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6si1uu/vasectomy_or_no_vasectomy/
%
A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout.

The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a four pack of Heineken and an Indian meal for one. She smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for one. He says to her "You're single aren't you?" She gives a girly giggle and says "yes, how did you know?" The man replies "cause you're an ugly cunt".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6shyhj/a_man_is_queuing_at_the_five_items_or_less/
%
I want a job cleaning mirrors

It's just something I could see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6shvhk/i_want_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
%
Why do females prefer old gynecologists?

Their hands shake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6shuxb/why_do_females_prefer_old_gynecologists/
%
What do you call a cow with Parkinson's?

A milk shake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6shsbt/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_parkinsons/
%
Blind Man

Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits!," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6shrzd/blind_man/
%
A man accidentally sharted in church last week, everyone moved away from him.

He had to sit on his own pew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6shq8b/a_man_accidentally_sharted_in_church_last_week/
%
Out of all the enemy leaders during World War II, who could run with the most speed?

Mussolini, because he was the fascist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6shnsx/out_of_all_the_enemy_leaders_during_world_war_ii/
%
the trickiest part about telling an abortion joke

is the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6shmjz/the_trickiest_part_about_telling_an_abortion_joke/
%
A chicken joke

Son: Dad, why did the chicken cross the road?
Me:  I don't know.  Why?
Son: To get to the ugly man's house.
Me: Hmm...
Son: Knock! Knock!
Me: Who's there?
Son: The Chicken!
Me: You're no son of mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6shkk9/a_chicken_joke/
%
A 30 centimeter tall doctor

Goes to the captain of the ship he is in charge of. With genuine sadness in his eyes he asks:
- Captain why do I have to be so short? I can't handle it anymore, everyone keeps making fun of me.
The captain, understanding his problem, replies.
- Listen closely. This ship is special. If you go in the lowest deck, behind the door of the fourth room, hidden in a drawer you will a lamp. If you rub the lamp, a genie comes out and will fufill one wish.
Excited, the doctor rushed to the drawer, where he actually found the lamp. Quickly, he started rubbing it, and, to his surprise, a genie did come out.
- Mortal, said the genie in a deep voice. You have one wish.
Wait a minute, thought the doctor. So what if im short. This is a one in a lifetime opportunity.
- I want 10 million pounds, he said to the genie.
- It shall be done, said the genie, instantly creating ten million hounds on the ship.
As they where about to die from the excess weight, the doctor screamed: I take it back, please, we are gonna die!
So the genie snapped its fingers and made the hounds disappear.
- You wasted you wish mortal. What a shame, he said as he left.
Inconsolable, the doctor went back to the captain.
- Captain, this genie misheard my wish.
- Oh yea, I forgot to mention he has a hearing problem.
- How did you know that captain?
- Mate, did you really think I asked for a 30 centimeter doc?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6shcm5/a_30_centimeter_tall_doctor/
%
What do you call a drug dealing hairdresser?

El Chapo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6shbbp/what_do_you_call_a_drug_dealing_hairdresser/
%
I rode my unicycle to the bank today. They told me I have outstanding balance.

I'm not exactly sure how to take it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sh89j/i_rode_my_unicycle_to_the_bank_today_they_told_me/
%
Why are scientists always drunk?

Because alcohol is a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sh7ye/why_are_scientists_always_drunk/
%
Why it's important to have second thoughts

Wait, never mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sh6yr/why_its_important_to_have_second_thoughts/
%
Why did the boy fall off the swing?

Because he had no arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sh61u/why_did_the_boy_fall_off_the_swing/
%
One day the male gorilla at a zoo's enclosure dies...

...The female is about to go into mating season so they are desperately searching for a replacement for the male gorilla. So, after trying all of the neighboring zoos they see the Greek janitor raking leaves with his hairy back for all to see. They approach him and ask,
"Will you sleep with the female gorilla for $500?"
He replies,
"I'll need to think about it overnight"
The next day he comes in and walks up and says,
"OK, I'll do it under one condition."
"Anything," they reply.
"Ok, you are going to have to give me a week to come up with the $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sh4ko/one_day_the_male_gorilla_at_a_zoos_enclosure_dies/
%
What do you call a man that looks like a receipt?

Bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sh3oy/what_do_you_call_a_man_that_looks_like_a_receipt/
%
What's the difference between a $62 and a $285,000 hooker?

You'll get crabs from the cheap one, and lobsters from the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sh3as/whats_the_difference_between_a_62_and_a_285000/
%
What do the twin towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two, now it's a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sh33q/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_genders_have_in_common/
%
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

you should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sh0ii/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
%
They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sgx42/they_found_a_cat_on_mars/
%
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, he gets the giraffe drunk and the giraffe passes out, as the man walks towards the exit to leave, the bartender says
"Hey! You can’t leave that lyin’ there"
The man replies "that’s not a lion that’s a giraffe"
And he walks out the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sguk3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_giraffe/
%
What do you call a rich asian?

Cha Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sgtrm/what_do_you_call_a_rich_asian/
%
Knock knock

-who is there?
-its me dammit let me out of here!!
-guys stop the funeral!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sgtol/knock_knock/
%
What do you call a Native American culinary assistant?

A Sioux Chef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sgsnq/what_do_you_call_a_native_american_culinary/
%
I call my toilet the oval office..

It's got a think tank, and a pipeline for delivering healthcare reform.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sgruw/i_call_my_toilet_the_oval_office/
%
Why was the daydreaming horse put in an asylum?

He was mentally unstabled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sgrln/why_was_the_daydreaming_horse_put_in_an_asylum/
%
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sgn74/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician.

Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sgmbx/i_have_a_polish_friend_whos_a_sound_technician/
%
My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sgjnm/my_wife_was_in_the_height_of_labour_screaming_in/
%
I once got in a fight with a pile of dirt...

The pile of dirt won by a landslide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sge4j/i_once_got_in_a_fight_with_a_pile_of_dirt/
%
What does a stripper do to her asshole before going in to work?

She drops it off at band practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sgcv1/what_does_a_stripper_do_to_her_asshole_before/
%
If you ever get attacked by clowns...

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sgbek/if_you_ever_get_attacked_by_clowns/
%
Always be sure to pay your exorcist.

You don't want to be repossessed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sga5q/always_be_sure_to_pay_your_exorcist/
%
The school field trip

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee- wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sg99u/the_school_field_trip/
%
Three men are killed in a crash on Christmas Day, and all find themselves at St. Peter's gate....

St. Peter says to the men:"Seeing as it's Christmas time, you'll each need to show me something that symbolizes the spirit of the season, to get through the gate."
The first man fishes in his pocket and pulls out his lighter, and lights it, and says:"Candles symbolize Christmas!"
St. Peter says:"Very well, you can go in."
The second man thinks for a bit (since he can no longer use his lighter), and fishes in his pockets and pulls out his keys. He shakes them a bit and says:"They sound like Jingle Bells!"
St. Peter says:"Very well, you may enter."
The third man thinks even longer.. and finally fishes in his pocket and pulls out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter, confused, says:"And what have you got there?"
The third man says:"They're Carol's!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sg78i/three_men_are_killed_in_a_crash_on_christmas_day/
%
The other day I told a girl, "You look great without glasses."

Girl: "I don't wear glasses."
Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sg0tk/the_other_day_i_told_a_girl_you_look_great/
%
I just got offered a new position at work that I need to consider.

I got called into my boss's office for standing around too much at work. He said "please take a seat."
I told him I'll have to think about it. While it gives me a lower profile in the company,  I'll have a greater comfort level in what I'm doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sfz8v/i_just_got_offered_a_new_position_at_work_that_i/
%
Why did my dad cross the road?

I don't know either, but he never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sfydz/why_did_my_dad_cross_the_road/
%
How did the sea-wall collapse?

It cracked under pier pressure.
...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sfvnn/how_did_the_seawall_collapse/
%
What do subway and prostitution have in common?

You're paying someone else to do your wife's job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sfnn5/what_do_subway_and_prostitution_have_in_common/
%
I invented a new word!

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sflfi/i_invented_a_new_word/
%
What's the difference between a oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sfjvk/whats_the_difference_between_a_oral_thermometer/
%
What came before Judas?

Prejudas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sfikg/what_came_before_judas/
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In space, every book is a good book

You simply can't put it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sfi75/in_space_every_book_is_a_good_book/
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Knock knock.

Who's there?
To.
To who?
To *whom.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sfekh/knock_knock/
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If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?

A swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sfc0n/if_the_stork_is_the_bird_of_birth_whats_the_bird/
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One day in 1960's China...

Mao told his chief of police to send 10,000 intellectuals and a clown to rural exile. The police chief asked "Why the clown?" Mao laughed and said "That's the spirit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sfar0/one_day_in_1960s_china/
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My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sf7hz/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
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I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later, I saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. Infuriated, I went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sf76r/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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When people go underwater in movies I like to hold my breath to see if I would survive that situation

Almost fucking died watching Finding Nemo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sf75t/when_people_go_underwater_in_movies_i_like_to/
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The secret to a good joke

What's the secret to a good joke punctuation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sf6lr/the_secret_to_a_good_joke/
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Why did the partially-blind farmer fall into the well?

He didn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sf6hy/why_did_the_partiallyblind_farmer_fall_into_the/
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I really love 50 Cent...

...Or as we call him here in Zimbabwe, '200 million dollars'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sf3ot/i_really_love_50_cent/
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How do you get a Nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sf0wp/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
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How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

By walking
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J. K. Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sf0gp/how_does_harry_potter_get_down_a_hill/
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Voodoo dick

A newlywed businessman has an upcoming trip to China and he is worried that his wife, a beautiful young woman with perfect tits, ass and an insatiable sex drive, is going to cheat on him while he is away. He confides his worries to his his best friend. His buddy tells him about this new sex shop that would sell him a dildo guaranteed to keep his wife satisfied while he was out on business.
The next day the businessman walks into the sex shop and is greeted by the greasy man working the counter. " I've been told you have a dildo that will satisfy my wife so thoroughly, the thought of another man will never cross her mind". The greasy man grinned a yellow toothed smile. "I have just what you need. It's called the voodoo dick". From under the counter he pulled a magnificent dildo adorned with strange markings. "All your wife needs to do to activate the magic is rub the head and say, voodoo dick my pussy. The dildo will do the rest". The businessman pays the greasy smut pimp and takes the voodoo dick to his wife. He explains that while he is gone the voodoo dick will keep her satisfied and tells her how to use it. The next morning the businessman leaves for China.
A few days goes by and the man's wife can no longer control her libido. She needs some dick. Normally she would call an ex for a quick fuck but she was curious what the voodoo could do. She stripped naked, rubbed the voodoo dicks head and said "voodoo dick my pussy". The voodoo dick shot from her hand and began fucking the shit out of her pussy. Within moments she was having the most mind blowing orgasm of her life. After the first orgasm subsided the voodoo dick was still pounding away. The woman, fully satisfied, attempted to remove the voodoo dick but it just kept fucking away. She didn't know how to stop it. She came two, three, four times. She couldn't take anymore. In a panic she ran out of her house with the voodoo dick edging her to another orgasm. She ran into the street screaming for help. A police officer just happened to be passing and seeing the naked woman screaming for help, he jumped from his car and ran to help her. "Help me officer! I can't stop it, i have a voodoo dick inside me!" The wife screamed. The officer scoffed and said "Voodoo dick? Voodoo dick my ass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sf04f/voodoo_dick/
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Sherlock Holmes is introduced to Watson's new girlfriend, Mary.

Mary: Ah, you must be the famous Mr Holmes. John says you can tell almost anything about a person after nothing more than a glance. I don't believe you.
Holmes: Well, I know that you're a vegetarian who studied English at university. Every social media account you own mentions the phrase "intersectional feminism" in the bio and you constantly complain about Donald Trump despite being a 29 year old from London who has never voted in her life.
Mary: Correct on nearly all counts, Mr Holmes, I'm actually a pescatarian. I'm guessing you researched me beforehand to be able to know so much personal information.
Holmes: Actually, it was your hair.
Mary: My hair?
Holmes: Yes, it's fucking green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sezn2/sherlock_holmes_is_introduced_to_watsons_new/
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An airplane yells at his son

"If you don't get an attitude adjustment immediately you're going to get grounded."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sew1j/an_airplane_yells_at_his_son/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sert4/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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An entire industry has just collapsed

Virgin coconut oil is no more a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6seph4/an_entire_industry_has_just_collapsed/
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The Sun Mission

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered  "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sekd5/the_sun_mission/
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In sex education, the teacher asked: "does anyone have any questions about the female human body?"

I said: "yes miss, do you know any good places to hide one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6seiw0/in_sex_education_the_teacher_asked_does_anyone/
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Death or Muwamba

Two explorers were trudging through the Congo in search of artifacts when they were captured by a primitive tribe of natives.
The natives stripped and bound the two men to wooden poles. The entire tribe came to watch, hundreds of strapping men and women looked on.
The chief walked up to the first man and asked him solemnly, "Death? Or Muwamba?"
Not knowing what Muwamba was, but preferring not to die, the man chose Muwamba.
The chief cut the man loose and tossed him into the crowd where the native men swarmed him. They held him down and sodomized him for hours as he screamed in pain and horror.
When the man's ordeal was finally over and he was left lying unconscious and bloody on the hard dirt in front of his friend, the chief asked the second man, "Death? Or Muwamba?"
To which the man replied, with as much stoicism and dignity as he could muster, "Death."
The chief got an approving look on his face, turned to the crowd with his staff held high in the air and announced, "Death!... by Muwamba!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6seioy/death_or_muwamba/
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I love u

It's my favourite vowel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sehew/i_love_u/
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Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of nothing but grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing absolutely nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of his car, walks all the way over to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me sir, but are you OK? Do you need any help?"
The farmer replies:"I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How would you do that?" asks the man quite puzzled at this answer.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6seg0o/nobel_prize/
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Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my throat with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.
It said : *Self-defense courses.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sedob/last_night_a_man_attacked_me/
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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate

They'll kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6secdb/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolate/
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A farmer came up to me today and said, "I've got 68 sheep, can you round them up for me?"

I said, "Sure, 70."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6secc5/a_farmer_came_up_to_me_today_and_said_ive_got_68/
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Why was Dre's grandma so happy when she found out his career choice?

Because there was finally a Doctor in the family who could perform her hip op.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sebv2/why_was_dres_grandma_so_happy_when_she_found_out/
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My dick was in the world record book.

Then I got kicked out of the library

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6se8yh/my_dick_was_in_the_world_record_book/
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How long is a Chinese name

No really it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6se8it/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
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Why doesn't Santa have any millennial elves?

Because there are already enough snowflakes at the North Pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6se5vm/why_doesnt_santa_have_any_millennial_elves/
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How did I escape Iraq?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6se30x/how_did_i_escape_iraq/
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There was once a military submarine called the Word Sub.

When the submarine was built, they couldn't come up with a name for it. Eventually, the crew was instructed to call the submarine "any word they want". The believed it would be funny to name the sub something mundane, so they began to refer to it simply as the "Word Sub".
As the Word Sub was patrolling the ocean, they encountered a fisherman who had been stranded for a very long time. As such, he was starving. After bringing the stranded fisherman aboard, the captain takes the fisherman to the kitchen and says, "Welcome to the Word Sub. We have a lot of food. What would you like to eat?"
The fisherman jokingly replies, "A submarine sandwich would be nice."
The captain looks at his crew members and says, "You all know what to do."
Suddenly, several members of the crew approach the fisherman in Shakespearean costumes and start reciting Hamlet.
Although the fisherman is intrigued by the crew's theatrical skills, he interrupts them after the first scene. "Excuse me," he says. "I'm still really hungry. Why exactly are you performing a play?
The captain turns to the fisherman and says, "Whenever someone makes a joke about subs, it ends with a play on the Word Sub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sduut/there_was_once_a_military_submarine_called_the/
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Cop pulls over bad driver

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sduj4/cop_pulls_over_bad_driver/
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Will glass coffins be successful?

Remains to be seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sdrak/will_glass_coffins_be_successful/
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Jack and Jill

went up the hill so Jack can lick her candy.
But Jack got a shock with a mouth full of cock.
Because Jill's real name is Randy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sdoo4/jack_and_jill/
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An elderly man reunites with his lost love

One day, an elderly man is out for a walk when he discovers his lost teenage love, a woman who's about his age. The two get together, and in an instant can tell the old Fire is there. Together they rent out a small motel room when, just as they throw off their clothes, the Reaper appears at the foot of their bed.
"Her soul is mine," the Reaper declares. "Her days are through."
The old man stands up to face the specter.
"Please give us one night," he begs. "We know we're knocking on your door. But even as I become so forgetful about everything else, I remembered her. Let us have one night to consummate what never was."
The Reaper, in a wave of passion, agrees. "Listen carefully, mortal: have your night of love, seven hours--or until the sun comes up. Then, I want you to 'lay her to rest,'" he said, pointing to one of the pillows. Call my name when you are finished."
The couple cheers and the Reaper leaves.
Several hours later the Reaper hears his name and returns. The elderly man is by his now-dead flame, looking worse for wear.
"How was she?" The Reaper asks, confused to see the man still upset.
"Great!" The man replies. "We went for hours straight. But I think I mixed up your instructions..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sdj2j/an_elderly_man_reunites_with_his_lost_love/
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The Bard [Long]

Suzie was the teacher's pet - A's in every class. One day a stranger stood in front of the lecture hall for her writing course.
'Sorry students, your professor has been in a terrible accident and I will be leading this course for the remainder of the year.'
No problem - Suzie looked forward to the opportunity to impress yet another teacher.
The teacher continued, 'I am not familiar with the syllabus for this course, and your teacher is unable to communicate. Well, this is a writing course, so let's just write something. Each of you will submit a play. One scene is due each week for the remainder of the semester. The scenes will be submitted for review each Friday and your final grade will be dependent solely on this play.'
Great, thought Suzie. She was working on a couple of plays anyway.
For the first week, Suzie opened her play by setting the scene. It was about a girl who had just moved to a new city. She described the new city and the girl's emotions - trepidation, anxiety... excitement. Suzie was very excited to submit the first scene.
Scenes were returned with grades and critique on Monday. Suzie's pages were littered with red ink which was concluded with a large 'C' on the final page. Suzie was crushed. She looked to her right, where Tad was beaming at the 'A-' on his page. She read the words, apparently a conversation between Horatio and Marcellus.
'Wait,' she asked, 'are you writing about Hamlet?' What an idea, to explore the Bard's universe and build on those well-known characters.
'Nah,' he replied, 'I didn't write anything. I just submitted the first scene.'
'And you got an A? The writing teacher didn't recognize Hamlet?'
'Well, my bro had this teacher before. He gave me the heads up.... This sub does not appreciate original content.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sdin3/the_bard_long/
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Why was Vlad the Impaler like reddt?

Because if you survived the impaling you were sure to get reposted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sdg0c/why_was_vlad_the_impaler_like_reddt/
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A rabbit escapes a laboratory

Upon running away he stumbles across a group of rabbits in a field. The leader welcomes him and says 'the outside world isn't like the lab, you can do what you want here, try some of the grass'. The grass tasted like nothing the rabbit had tasted before, it was so refreshing and tasty. He then went around mating with all the female rabbits all day. At the end of the day the leader saw the rabbit running back to the lab and he said 'what are you doing? I thought you loved it here', the rabbit said 'yes I do, but I'm dying for a cigarette'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sdfq2/a_rabbit_escapes_a_laboratory/
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I keep trying to tell Jesus jokes...

But I can't quite nail them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sdeoc/i_keep_trying_to_tell_jesus_jokes/
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My wife screamed in pain during labor...

"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.
"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"
"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sddi8/my_wife_screamed_in_pain_during_labor/
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I found a lion in my wardrobe and asked him what he was doing there.

He said, "Narnia business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sdcnw/i_found_a_lion_in_my_wardrobe_and_asked_him_what/
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If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple...

What would she do for a Klondike Bar?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sdbbs/if_eve_doomed_the_entire_human_race_for_an_apple/
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Famous Agnes

Agnes was bragging to her boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know.
Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of her boasting, her boss called her bluff, "OK, Agnes, how about Catherine Zeta Jones?"
"No dramas boss, Catherine and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Agnes and her boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Catherine Zeta Jones's door, and Catherine shouts,
"Agnes! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Agnes's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Zeta Jones's house, she tells Agnes that she thinks her knowing Zeta Jones was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Agnes says.
"Melania Trump," her boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Agnes says, "Old friends, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Melania spots Agnes on the tour and motions her and her boss over, saying, "Agnes, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds she expresses her doubts to Agnes, who again implores her to name anyone else.
"The Queen of England," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Agnes. "I've known Her Majesty for years." So off they fly to London.
Agnes and her boss are assembled with the masses at the Buckingham Palace when Agnes says, "This will never work. I can't catch Her Majesty's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Queen." She disappears into the crowd headed towards Buckingham Palace.
Sure enough, half an hour later Agnes emerges with the Queen on the balcony, but by the time Agnes returns, she finds that her boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making her way to her boss' side, Agnes asks her, "What happened?"
Her boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Queen came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Agnes?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sd9qv/famous_agnes/
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What's a social gathering where everyone has beef with everyone ?

BBQ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sd9jd/whats_a_social_gathering_where_everyone_has_beef/
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Murder

A blind man, a deaf man and a mute are murdered.
These are senseless killings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sd1ua/murder/
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Little Johnny walks past his parents bedroom one day

He hears funny noises, and decides to check it out through the keyhole. He sees his naked dad on top of his mum, and with a mind full of questions he goes to bed.
The next morning he told his parents what he saw. A little surprised , the parents quickly made up a response: we were making you a little baby brother, they said.
A couple days later Johnny passed again his parents bedroom, and again he heard some funny noises. He checked the keyhole, and this time his mum was on top.
The next day he asked his parents what was going on. "We were making you a little baby sister" they said.
Again, a couple days later Johnny passes his parents bedroom, and sure enough, there were some funny noises. He checks the keyhole, but this time his mum is bend over the bed, and his father is taking her from behind. Excited, little Johnny opens the door and screams: we are getting a dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sczr0/little_johnny_walks_past_his_parents_bedroom_one/
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My friend is a car collector. [original]

My friend is a car collector. He has a huge garage full of beautiful cars from all around the world.
He invited me round to see the collection so it was a weekend afternoon I went over.
Some were preserved in their original condition but some have been modified by their owners.
The first car he showed me was a beautiful 1950s Ford Crestliner. Spectacular curves and a perfect dark green paint job polished to a shine.
Later he showed me a Lincoln four door convertible. It used to be the backup presidents car and was an exact replica of the car JFK was shot in. He'd kept it just how it would have been on the day of the assassination, dark blue paint job and very pretty.
The last car was not in such good condition, left outside under a tree. The tyres were flat so it sat on the rims and there were birds nesting in the tree so it was covered in guano, as I watched a bird flew off adding another crap to the pile on the car. On top of that there was a line tied around the door post, running up to the house that he used to dry his clean laundry on.
I asked him why, the car was in such an awful condition. "Well it was a champion amateur racer and has been heavily modified from the base car it was bought as. I bought it after a crash but never got around to repairing it properly. It was originally a Subaru, but since then it's been chopped up, the engines been replaced several times and it's become the ugly mess it is today. I made a mistake buying it and really don't want it anymore. I just use it as one end of my washing line so it's at least serving a purpose"
"So you're saying it used to be a decent Sub but now it's just a shit post?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scyzc/my_friend_is_a_car_collector_original/
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A photon is going through airport security.

The TSA agent asks if it has any luggage.
The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scvwv/a_photon_is_going_through_airport_security/
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Confucious say

: Man who run in front of bus gets tired, but man who run behind bus gets exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scuvl/confucious_say/
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What do a DND player and a gangster have in common?

They both refer to their freinds as those they 'roll with'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sctfb/what_do_a_dnd_player_and_a_gangster_have_in_common/
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The hunchback and the clumpfoot

Two brothers were living together in a small house. One had a hunchback, the other a clumpfoot.
One Thursday evening, as the hunchbacked brother was visiting their mothers' grave, a magical light fell through the trees of the churchyard, and a voice boomed:
– WHAT HAVE YOU GOT ON YOUR BACK ?!?
– Ehmm… it's a hunchback…?
– I'LL TAKE THAT !!!
The formerly hunchbacked brother went back and told his brother what had happened. He now stood tall, women started to find him quite attractive, and his whole life changed.
The brother with the clumpfoot wanted to see if he could be changed too, so the next Thursday evening he went to visit the grave of their mother.
He hadn't been there many minutes before a magical light fell through the trees, and a voice boomed:
– WHAT HAVE YOU GOT ON YOUR BACK ?!?
– Ehmm… nothing?
– HERE, HAVE A HUNCHBACK !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scssd/the_hunchback_and_the_clumpfoot/
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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

You can get one beer nut for $1.35, but two deer nuts are just under a buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scshs/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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I think Jason Momoa looks terrible as Aquaman...

...they should have chosen someone who looks more finnish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scs7y/i_think_jason_momoa_looks_terrible_as_aquaman/
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If a deaf person goes to court

Is it  still called a hearing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scqms/if_a_deaf_person_goes_to_court/
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"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks"

"And he did?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scojr/the_doctor_said_he_would_have_me_on_my_feet_in/
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Why did the navy refuse to have a cyclops for a general?

They wouldn't be able to say " eye-eye sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scmwu/why_did_the_navy_refuse_to_have_a_cyclops_for_a/
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Parallel lines have so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scmwq/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
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A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt...

...Pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.
The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.
While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scldk/a_carload_of_hunters_looking_for_a_place_to_hunt/
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My New Dog

I bought a dog from a blacksmith today...
...As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scjxl/my_new_dog/
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Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?

His entire wife flashed before his eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scgm1/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whose_spouse_was_hit/
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Why is Apple not very good at cards?

All it can do is remove all the Jacks...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scd6u/why_is_apple_not_very_good_at_cards/
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Which breakfast gurus would you ask for carpentry advice?

The saw sages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scbzw/which_breakfast_gurus_would_you_ask_for_carpentry/
%
I have sexDaily

I mean Dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6scbwn/i_have_sexdaily/
%
Did you hear about the man who was hit with a pickaxe?

He suffered miner injuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sca3v/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_was_hit_with_a/
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but I don't know how they get in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sc8st/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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Three bullets [NSFW] [LONG]

A woman (we'll call her Sally) is pregnant with triplets. She goes to a bank to get some money from her account, but unfortunately, the bank is being robbed. The robber shoots her three times with a gun. Each bullet hits one of her triplets, but she survives and so do they. Three months later, she gives birth to them - two girls and one boy. She names the girls Amy and Mel, and she names the boy Jake.
Their lives went well, without any problems. Until one day, when Sally hears a sound of something hard hitting porcelain. She assumes that it's just the dog, but then Amy comes to her and looks white as a ghost. Sally asks: "What's wrong?" Amy explains: "I was peeing, and then a bullet fell into the toilet!" Sally tells her what happened, and she calms down. A few days later, Mel comes to her with the same problem. Just like she did with Amy, she explains everything to Mel.
One week later, Jake runs up to her, looking just as scared as the girls were when the bullets in their bodies came out. Sally says: "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out."
Jake replies: "No, I was jacking off and shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sc8ql/three_bullets_nsfw_long/
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An airplane yells at his rebellious son...

.. "Watch that altitude, young man"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sc5ks/an_airplane_yells_at_his_rebellious_son/
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If pronouncing B's as V's makes me Russian..

..then Soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sc508/if_pronouncing_bs_as_vs_makes_me_russian/
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Understanding two words, will open the most doors for you

Push and Pull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sc4cm/understanding_two_words_will_open_the_most_doors/
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What's it called when you beat your eastern European friend at strategy board games.

Czech Mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sby5f/whats_it_called_when_you_beat_your_eastern/
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The Traveling Salesmen

One night a travelling salesman found that he had stayed on the road too long, and that he was stranded in the middle farm country with no place to sleep. Naturally, he sought refuge at the nearest farm house. The farmer agreed to let him stay, but only as long as "you don't sneak upstairs to my daughter's room." The salesman promised but, as with all travelling sales men, he found it hard to resist the lure of a farmer's daughter. In the middle of the night the salesman crept up the stairs to the daughter's room, where he found her naked, spreadeagled on the bed. The salesman immediately dove between her legs and started eating her out. He had just gotten his tongue wet, when he got a mouthful of rice. Undeterred, he spit out the rice and resumed his tongue lashing. Once again, he got a mouthful of rice. Puzzled, but still horny, he started eating her out again. When he got another mouthful of rice, and still no response from the daughter, the salesman gave up and went back to bed. The next morning the salesman told the farmer, "I have to confess: Last night I went up to your daughter's room." "That's okay son," replied the kindly, old farmer. "And I have to confess that I had oral sex with her," continued the salesman. "I ain't got a quarrel with that, son," replied the kindly, old farmer. "But I have just one question," concluded the salesman, "Why is it that every time I ate her, I kept getting a mouthful of rice?" "Oh that?" said the kindly, old farmer, "Them's maggots she's been dead ten days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sbx35/the_traveling_salesmen/
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IQ Test

Psych Admin: "Sir, your IQ results are in, you scored 91."
The other guy: "Wow, my first A+"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sbwtt/iq_test/
%
What kind of music do eggs listen to?

Yolk music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sbv04/what_kind_of_music_do_eggs_listen_to/
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Never hit a man with glasses

Fists are just more efficient

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sbhpd/never_hit_a_man_with_glasses/
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If con is the opposite of pro,

then is Congress the opposite of progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sbgnr/if_con_is_the_opposite_of_pro/
%
A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a $100 bill on his penis

Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
"Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sbgl9/a_guy_goes_into_a_tattoo_parlor_and_asks_for_a/
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A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face

His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sbg0e/a_groom_waits_at_the_altar_with_a_huge_smile_on/
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Why are there no knock knock jokes in America?

Because Freedom Rings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sbesi/why_are_there_no_knock_knock_jokes_in_america/
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A little boy says, "Dad, I've heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her."

‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sbert/a_little_boy_says_dad_ive_heard_that_in_some/
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A priest is giving a nun a ride home one day...

As they're in the car, each time the Priest goes to switch gears, he rests his hand on the nuns knee.
The nun looks up at the priest and says "Father, remember Luke 14 10."
The priest moves his hand away, embarrassed. The next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher on her leg.
Once again, the nun says "Remember Luke 14 10, father."
The priest apologizes, "The flesh is weak" he says.
The priest drops the nun off, and when he gets home, he reaches for his bible and flips to Luke 14 10, which says.
"Friend, come up higher. Then shalt thow have glory."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sbbo9/a_priest_is_giving_a_nun_a_ride_home_one_day/
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Son of a Bitch

Girl: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done, my child?”
Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”
Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”
Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he touched my breast.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”
(after a few minutes)
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “But father, he had herpes!”
Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sb8or/son_of_a_bitch/
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St.Peters Gate

Bus of catholic girls crashes and kills everyone. The girls suddenly find themselves lined up in front the gates to heaven and St.Peter at the gates with what looks like a large basin of water. He says he will let them in but first he must ask them a question.
So he asks the first girl "Have you ever had contact with a mans penis?" Embarrassed she replies "yes but all I did was touch it out of curiosity". St.Peter lets her know that she must dip her finger in the water and she is granted through the gates, so she does.
He asks the next girl the same question. "Yes, I have held a penis in my hand but nothing farther!" He says she must dip her entire hand into the water and she will be allowed in and she does. The line of girls start murmuring to each other.
Anticipating the question the next girl admits "I have fondled a penis before" and is told to dip her entire arm into the basin to be admitted. At this point there comes lots of commotion from the line as a girl starts shoving her way to the front of the line.
"Jessica? What are you doing?" asks St.Peter
"If I have to gargle that water to get into heaven then I'm doing it before Becky has to stick her ass in it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sb66j/stpeters_gate/
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A woman is standing naked in front of a mirror

and she is not happy with what she sees. She says to her husband, "I feel horrible, im old, fat, and ugly. I need you to pay me a compliment"
The husband answers, "well your eyesight is damn near perfect"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sb4ig/a_woman_is_standing_naked_in_front_of_a_mirror/
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What do you call a dog that can make magic tricks?

A labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sb3kg/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_can_make_magic_tricks/
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How many babies does it take to paint a garage?

Depends on how hard you throw em'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sb2n3/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_garage/
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What is 8.6 cm and can please any woman?

A credit card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sb023/what_is_86_cm_and_can_please_any_woman/
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Millennials don't get this...

Low college tuition rates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sauxt/millennials_dont_get_this/
%
A Baby Seal Walks Into a Bar,

Goes up to the bar and the barkeep asks, 'What would you like?'
Baby Seal says, 'Anything but a Canadian Club on the Rocks.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6saqb1/a_baby_seal_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How can you tell the difference between a oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6saq4o/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_oral/
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Why couldn't the crumpled can of coke get out of bed in the morning?

Because it was soda pressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sai7j/why_couldnt_the_crumpled_can_of_coke_get_out_of/
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3 nuns were sitting on a bench in the local park

The nuns usually came out here to get away from their convent and get a chance to talk about the attractive men that walked by. This day, however, there was a man who kept watching them from an uncomfortable distance. One of them points him out as he begins to walk towards them. The man is tall, sporting a large trench coat, with long black greasy hair. He walks up right in front of them and undoes his trench coat to reveal a massive erection. Immediately the first nun looks and has a stroke as well as the second. The third nun tries, but her arms are too short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sagmn/3_nuns_were_sitting_on_a_bench_in_the_local_park/
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How do parents punish their blind child?

They rearranged the furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sae0w/how_do_parents_punish_their_blind_child/
%
How many police officers does it take to screw a lightbulb?

Idk they just beat the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sadh0/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_screw_a/
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What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sa68v/whats_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_man_on/
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Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors  performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they  were able to piece together the crushed remnants of  Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery
performed on Tom.)
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
(All the men sighed with unified relief.)
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sa3qq/toms_scrotum/
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Why is Viagra like Disneyland?

You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6sa15m/why_is_viagra_like_disneyland/
%
Two clowns are eating a cannibal...

One turns to the other and says:
"I think we got this joke wrong"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s9yjw/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
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An English teacher to his class...

"In some languages a double negative is interpreted as a negative while in some others it is interpreted as a positive. However a double positive is universally interpreted as a positive"
A voice from the back of the class replied "Yeah right"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s9vso/an_english_teacher_to_his_class/
%
If there are 500 bricks on a plane and one falls off, how many are left?

499.
What are the 3 steps of putting an elephant into a fridge?
Open fridge, put elephant in fridge, close fridge
What are the 4 steps of putting a giraffe into a fridge?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.
The lion king is hosting a party. All but one of the guests show up. Who is missing?
The giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to go to the party, but she has to cross a crocodile-infested river to get there. She successfully swims across, how?
All the crocodiles are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, why?
She got hit in the head by a falling brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s9vkm/if_there_are_500_bricks_on_a_plane_and_one_falls/
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Frog gets a loan.

There once was a frog that belonged to Keith Richards. This frog went to the bank to get a loan. At the desk was a woman named Miss Pattywack. The frog says "I'd like to get a loan please". She replied "Well you're gonna need some form of collateral". The frog says "I don't have much, but what about this?", the frog places a small wooden pink elephant on the counter. Miss Pattywack looks at it and says "Well I'll have to speak to the manager about this".
After telling the manager the whole story, she asked what the toy was. He replied "It's a nick nack, Pattywack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s9s9y/frog_gets_a_loan/
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I don't normally tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s9jjf/i_dont_normally_tell_dad_jokes/
%
Someone asked me to explain what a portmanteau was

I tried, but it was hard to put in two words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s9ezj/someone_asked_me_to_explain_what_a_portmanteau_was/
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You can not lose a homing pigeon

If your homing pigeon does not come back, then what you have lost is a pigeon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s9c4d/you_can_not_lose_a_homing_pigeon/
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Google Pizza

Man: Hello! Gusto Pizza?
Phone: No sir it's Google pizza.
M: Oh sorry, wrong number
P: Sir, Google bought Gusto
M: Oh, may I order?
P: Would you like your usual?
M: My usual? You know my usual?
P: According to our caller ID, your last 10 orders were for a large Hawaiian pizza with thin crust
M:Wow! Yes, please!
P: May I suggest you substitute with ricotta, and add arugula and tomato?
M: No thank you, I don't like vegetables
P: But your cholesterol is very high
M: How do you know that?
P: Your default privacy options give us access to the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years
M: Uhm, okay, but I don't want extras on my pizza, I am medicated for the condition
P: Sir, you have not taken the medicine regularly.  Looks like you last purchased a 30 tablet box of your meds 4 months ago from Meds4U dot com
M: I bought more from another supplier
P: It's not showing on your credit card
M: I paid in cash
P: Hmmm, you didn't withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
M: I have other sources of cash
P: That's not consistent with your 2017 Tax filing, unless you got it from an undeclared income source
M: This is messed? Screw this! I'm going to an Island without any internet, email, phone....
P: Sir, you'll need to renew your passport as it expired 5 weeks ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s993k/google_pizza/
%
A bear and a squirrel were walking through the forest....

When they stumbled on a magic frog who said he would grant them both three wishes.
The bear goes first. "I wish all the bears in the forest besides me were female" said the bear. "Then I'd get laid all the time." "It is so." Said the frog, and all the bears in the forest besides him were female. The squirrel goes next. "I wish for a motorcycle." He said. "It is so." replied the frog, and a motorcycles appeared. The bear went next with his second wish. "I wish all the bears in all the neighboring forests were female." "It is so" said the frog. Then the squirrel. "I wish for a helmet." The frog waved his hand and a helmet appeared for the squirrel. Then the bear had his last wish. "Okay, why not?" He says. "I wish all the bears in the world, besides me were female." "It is so." Said the frog, and he made it happen.
He turned to the squirrel and asked "What is your third and final wish?" The squirrel shouted "I wish the bear was gay!" and he hopped on his motorcycle and drove off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s9614/a_bear_and_a_squirrel_were_walking_through_the/
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How can you tell if your dog's gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s92vn/how_can_you_tell_if_your_dogs_gay/
%
I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.

It was Won Ton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s91wd/i_ordered_2000_lbs_of_chinese_soup/
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Dammmn girl, are you a smoke detector?

Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s91ha/dammmn_girl_are_you_a_smoke_detector/
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A strict submarine captain is reassigned to a new submarine...

... after a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen nary a minute off, he saw derogatory posters about him taped around the craft.
Calling for his first officer, he said:
"First Officer, I demand that the submarine be scoured, and every one of these posters taken down! Make sure you find who did it and report back to me!"
After a few days of questioning crewmen, the first officer was not able to find the perpetrator. Soon after, the derogatory posters of the captain reappeared.
The captain at once ordered their removal for a second time.
After a second round of questioning, and poster removal, all was silent for a few days. Then the posters began to reappear.
"First Officer!" the captain roared "You are evidently not doing your job, the posters are back all over the sub, even worse than before!"
The first officer fired back at the captain. "It's not my fault sir! It's just that everything is always reposted several times on this sub!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s90zc/a_strict_submarine_captain_is_reassigned_to_a_new/
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How do you turn a duck into a famous soul singer?

Stick it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s908h/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_famous_soul_singer/
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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception…

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.
"It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick!  Spit'em out!  They're assholes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s8ztc/a_teacher_was_working_with_a_group_of_children/
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A blonde walks into a sex shop NSFW

A blonde walks into a sex shop. She asks the store assistant 'How much are these vibrators?'
The store assistant goes: 'Well, we have some for $50, these are $100, $120...'
The blonde then asks: 'What about that big red one?'
'Ooh... we don't sell that one.'
'But why??'
'Because it's a fire extinguisher.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s8zac/a_blonde_walks_into_a_sex_shop_nsfw/
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What do you get when you combine a whore and a computer?

A fucking know it all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s8ybw/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_a_whore_and_a/
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How do you know your roommates gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s8usb/how_do_you_know_your_roommates_gay/
%
Why does a chicken coop always have two doors

Cause otherwise it would be a chicken sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s8tpu/why_does_a_chicken_coop_always_have_two_doors/
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If you want a job in the moisturiser industry

The best advice I can give you is to apply daily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s8m56/if_you_want_a_job_in_the_moisturiser_industry/
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I'm okay with most figures and tables...

But graphs are where I draw a line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s8leh/im_okay_with_most_figures_and_tables/
%
If Eminem were gay...

Would he be called Skittles?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s8k9a/if_eminem_were_gay/
%
RIP boiled water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s8j79/rip_boiled_water/
%
I hate being bipolar

It's great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s8gp1/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
Girls are like blackjack...

I always go for 21, but always hit a 14

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s8ggf/girls_are_like_blackjack/
%
My wife is angry at me because I got drunk and did a shit on the roof.

Now I just want to wipe the slate clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s8g83/my_wife_is_angry_at_me_because_i_got_drunk_and/
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This women walks into a bar and says, "Give me an entendre. Make it a double."

So the bartender gives it to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s8dpx/this_women_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_give_me_an/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

You hit it with an ithberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s89z0/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
What's the difference between a Golf player and skydiver?

One goes:
*Whack*, "Darn!"
While the other goes:
"Darn!", *Whack*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s88tb/whats_the_difference_between_a_golf_player_and/
%
Why did the koala bear get hired?

He was the most koalafied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s88lm/why_did_the_koala_bear_get_hired/
%
I've had my gym subscription for 4 months now and nothing has changed

Guess I'll have to go there personally and see what's happening

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s848b/ive_had_my_gym_subscription_for_4_months_now_and/
%
I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s82zt/i_have_a_condition_that_makes_me_eat_when_i_cant/
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Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenarians. And anthropologists report--but, of course, discount--stories of village elders living for 150 years, 200 years, or more.
There are weirder stories, incredible enough to be consigned to footnotes in academic texts: that the shaman of Jimbilum arrived in that community in 1872, already impossibly old, and was dispensing advice, justice, and herbal remedies well until the late 1990s. His cause of death is assumed to be exposure: he left the village one night and was never seen again. Implausibly, residents of Ngunulum claim that their shaman--who, again, departed without a word, some time in early 1960s--claimed to have been personally acquainted with William Dampier, a man who last set foot in Australia in 1688.
I try to be careful with extreme claims, so I'm not going to say that every Aboriginal shaman is immortal. I will, though, go so far as to say that there's not a single verifiable case of one of them dying.
It gets stranger.
Like many traditional faith healers, shamans follow a number of special rules and taboos. You have the usual prayers, incantations, and prohibitions, and one especially odd dietary fixation: shamans insist on drinking a broth made by boiling water and adding chunks of koala meat.
This is not a minor rule. The departure of the shaman of Jimbilum, for example, coincided with the Australian Department of Environment's launching of a poaching investigation. Ngunulum's spiritual leader left after a long drought led to the death of the region's last remaining koalas.
There is no record of an Aboriginal shaman dying; there is no record of an Aboriiginal shaman going a day without drinking water that's been steeped in koala flesh and boiled.
I had to investigate.
You're familiar with the Dark Web, right? (Don't kid me--of course you are.) I opened an account on one of the lesser-known sites, one that ignored narcotics and credit cards, in favor of more exotic goods. For .275 bitcoin (shipping included), I had a sample of freshly-harvested koala meat en route.
After two weeks, I was pretty sure I'd been had. And pretty sure I deserved it, too. How much time and money should a grown adult spend investigating third-hand reports--and violating endangered species laws on several continents, to boot?
But then, on Monday, a package arrived. Lumpy, misshappen, sealed with three different kinds of tape, it felt strangely heavy and cool to the touch.
I opened it.
The roiling steam looked a lot less dramatic when I realized that, obviously, when you ship meat intercontinentally, you pack it with dry ice.
The koala looks smaller on your kitchen counter than it looks in pictures. I've seen lots of pictures of koalas, and always thought they looked cute, but never tasty. The impression doesn't improve in person.
But it was too late to turn back. I'd already set some water to boil. I stashed most of the koala in the freezer, and sliced off a toe.
In 1927, anthropologist Ursula McConnel recorded a list of rituals of the Wik Mungkan. Among them, the ceremonial boiling of a water infused with koala bits. Exactly 1.2 liters, exactly 3 hours. I followed her recipe to the letter.
And it was DISGUSTING. The foulest, nastiest thing I'd ever tasted. It coats your tongue and lacerates your nostrils and the taste stays with you for hours and the memory is with me still. If this was the route to immortality, maybe dying was a better option.
But I wasn't finished with my research. I pored over my books and papers, looking for more information on the ritual, and found that it was, in fact, permissible to fiddle with the recipe. Shamans in different regions had different spins on the concoction: as long as you boiled the water long enough, and used genuine koala, the other ingredients didn't matter.
After some experimentation, I've found exactly the right mix of flavorings to make it about as tasty as any other beverage.
I guess you could say this really improved my koala tea of life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s822f/aboriginal_rituals/
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A Harvard grad with a PhD and a redneck with a 5th grade education are in a contest

This was one of my dad's favorites, and I've never seen it here. This is basically how he told it:
A Harvard grad with a PhD (we'll call him John) and a redneck with a 5th grade education (we'll call him Bubba) are in a contest, and at the end of this contest (the type doesn't matter), their scores are tied. The host of the contest informs the two men that to break the tie, they'll have 5 minutes to come up with a 4-line poem that must use a word that he's about to reveal to them, upon which the judges will decide who has the best poem. He them gives them the word--Timbuktu--and the 5 minutes starts. When the time is up, the host asks John for his poem, upon which John recites the following:
Across the hot and dusty sands
rides a desert caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu
The crowd watching the contest erupts with cheers and everyone just assumes John has this contest in the bag. When the cheers subside, the host asks Bubba for his poem, upon with he recites the following:
Tim and I a-huntin' went
Found some girls in a pop-up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Tim bucked two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7z01/a_harvard_grad_with_a_phd_and_a_redneck_with_a/
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What's the speed limit of sex?

68 – at 69 you have to turn around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7yqd/whats_the_speed_limit_of_sex/
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A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7x6b/a_mother_is_helping_her_son_study_for_a_geography/
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I dated a one legged girl who worked at a brewery

She was in charge of the hops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7wda/i_dated_a_one_legged_girl_who_worked_at_a_brewery/
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Last week I played a round of golf and hit two of my best balls ever...

I stepped on a rake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7vof/last_week_i_played_a_round_of_golf_and_hit_two_of/
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What do you call a Hispanic without a car?

Carloss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7u8q/what_do_you_call_a_hispanic_without_a_car/
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David

My friend David lost his ID the other night.
Now we just call him Dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7s52/david/
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When I become president I shall re-criminalize homosexuality...

So I can feel dirty when I do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7s1p/when_i_become_president_i_shall_recriminalize/
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An older woman goes to a doctor.

"Is there anything I can do to tighten my vagina," she asks. "My husband never wants to have sex any more."
The doctor hands her a salve and says "Try this. It should tighten things up down there, but be warned, it will make everything below your waist numb for a couple of hours."
The woman thanks him and goes home, eager to try out her new miracle cure. She rubs it on, explains how it will work to her husband, and tells him to go at it.
After a few days of this, the woman runs into the doctor and he asks how everything is working out.
"Well, she says, my husband has never been happier. He has sex with me every night, and it has done wonders for our marriage.  I guess it's working like it's supposed to. I just wish it didn't have the side effects."
"Side effects?" asks the doctor. "Other than the numbness, there aren't supposed to be any."
"Well," she says, "everything's fine when I put it on, and again, my husband really seems happy with it, but it makes my ass hurt something awful. The day after I use it, I can barely even sit down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7lhi/an_older_woman_goes_to_a_doctor/
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For my birthday, my girlfriend said I could either have a Rolex or a threesome.

Both sound cool in theory, but a Rolex is expensive and there's no way I would be able to please 2 women when I can barely last 30 seconds with my girlfriend. I'd get too nervous. But at the same time my girlfriend's best friend Aimee is really fucking hot.
After my birthday dinner my girlfriend told me "Aimee is on the way and she's really horny. I'm getting horny too. Are you ready to fuck both of us?"
I said "No, I just wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7kw7/for_my_birthday_my_girlfriend_said_i_could_either/
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There were two nuns;

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away
from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been
following us for the past thirty-eight and
a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in
15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is
to walk faster.   A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did
the only logical thing. He started to walk
faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he
will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.
You go that way and I'll go this way. He
cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent
and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man
couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started
to run as fast as I could and he started to run
as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened.
He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted
my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled
down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her
dress up can run faster than a man with
his pants down.
And for those of you who thought
it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7kpu/there_were_two_nuns/
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The earth is not flat!!!

It's a half sphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7gz0/the_earth_is_not_flat/
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Never fart in an Apple store

They don't have windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7fnw/never_fart_in_an_apple_store/
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What did Sean Connery say when all his books fell down?

"I blame it on my shelf"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7dfa/what_did_sean_connery_say_when_all_his_books_fell/
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Sisters of St. Francis

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye... It reads:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second  thought. Soon he sees another sign which read SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
'What may we do for you! My son? He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s7c4q/sisters_of_st_francis/
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What is the opposite of progress?

Congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s77wj/what_is_the_opposite_of_progress/
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Why do priests hate magic?

They hate seeing an invisible power that works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s72zi/why_do_priests_hate_magic/
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Recent crime perpetrated at Costco

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce refridgerator and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Costco vegetable refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s72cp/recent_crime_perpetrated_at_costco/
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When it comes to sex, it's all about quality over quantity.

That's why I'm always on top of my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s6xmt/when_it_comes_to_sex_its_all_about_quality_over/
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You know, i never really thought our daughter would go farther than our son.

Yeah, turns out trebuchets are superior to catapults after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s6xj3/you_know_i_never_really_thought_our_daughter/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the Fresh Prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s6uun/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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Gordon Ramsey: is this ice fresh?

Waiter: no it's frozen
Gordon Ramsey: fuck me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s6tnt/gordon_ramsey_is_this_ice_fresh/
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A boy calls 911...

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s6rwq/a_boy_calls_911/
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Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they're gonna pay.

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s6rqr/someone_stole_my_microsoft_office_and_theyre/
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I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died...

...but I was delighted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s6qj9/i_should_have_been_sad_when_my_flashlight/
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"I saw your wife with two black eyes last night."

Is a perfectly normal thing to say to a redneck, but could start some serious shit if you say it too quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s6par/i_saw_your_wife_with_two_black_eyes_last_night/
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Why don't blondes pray in church?

When they are on their knees, their mouths are usually full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s6lxt/why_dont_blondes_pray_in_church/
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My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s6leg/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
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I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was a good dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s6l4e/i_saw_my_dad_chopping_up_onions_today_and_i_cried/
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What is the difference between a Comma and a Cat?

A comma is a pause at end of clause and a cat has claws at the end of its paws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s6iq1/what_is_the_difference_between_a_comma_and_a_cat/
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A man was standing behind his wife waiting to be seated in a crowded church.

The sermon had started before they arrived. As they slowly made their way down the aisle looking for a seat the preacher spoke, "Who was it that spoke to Moses a top Sinai?".
The man poked his wife with the pencil he was carrying and she blurted out "GOD!" in a startled manner.
"Yes!" said the preacher. "Now who was it that is the son of God?" he asked.
The man poked his wife again and she shouted "JESUS!".
The preacher shouted "Yes!", obviously overjoyed with his audiences enthusiasm.
Next he asked "What did Eve first say to Adam?".
The man poked his wife again and at this time she because visibly irritated she turned to her husband and yelled "If you don't stop poking me with that thing I'm going to break it in half!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s6d1d/a_man_was_standing_behind_his_wife_waiting_to_be/
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My buddy has a trophy wife

But from the looks of it she didn't get first place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s679k/my_buddy_has_a_trophy_wife/
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

"Supplies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s5yqx/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
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How did Beethoven get to be so famous?

Some people just have mad scales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s5tvy/how_did_beethoven_get_to_be_so_famous/
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A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s5tjw/a_new_recruit_in_the_military_was_looking_for_a/
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What does a robot do on a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s5rf6/what_does_a_robot_do_on_a_one_night_stand/
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Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s5rcb/police_officer_can_you_identify_yourself_sir/
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TIFU when my dyslexia made me take the wrong ride to work

Whoops, wrong bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s5ovw/tifu_when_my_dyslexia_made_me_take_the_wrong_ride/
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Old joke (1930s) - Little kid comes in late to school. Teacher says, "Why ya late?"...

Kid says, "Had a take a heifer down—get 'er bred."
Teacher says, "Couldn't your father do it?"
Kid says, "Sure he could, but not as good as the bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s5maf/old_joke_1930s_little_kid_comes_in_late_to_school/
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Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along.  The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".
Navy Admiral calls a squid over and says "watch this" to his fellow General Officers..."Seaman, climb that flagpole and when you get to the top sing Anchors Aweigh" says the Admiral.  "AND, at the end of this blessed song...jump off!"  The Sea Dog salutes smartly and does as asked and the Admiral looks smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery!".
The Marine Corps General calls a Devil Dog over and repeats the instructions from the other General Officers with the exception that the Marine Corps General goes a step further and requires that the Devil Dog does a beautiful 1/2 twisting full gainer off of the top of the flag pole at the end of singing the Marine Corps Hymn.  The Devil Dog looks incredulous at the General and says "Fuck You Sir!".
Now THAT'S bravery says the General, smiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s5k1s/three_generals_are_arguing_about_which_branch_of/
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Where do mansplainers get their drink water?

From a well, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s5hum/where_do_mansplainers_get_their_drink_water/
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I should never have given my real email address to Rolex.

Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s5hoy/i_should_never_have_given_my_real_email_address/
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I made a tuna salad this morning.

Stupid thing didn't even eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s5gc9/i_made_a_tuna_salad_this_morning/
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When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s5bgu/when_i_was_younger_i_felt_like_a_man_trapped/
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Two blondes are on the way to Disneyland

and sees a sign with a photo of Disneyland.
It reads: Disneyland left
Suddenly they stop and start crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s5a5q/two_blondes_are_on_the_way_to_disneyland/
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I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk.

I'm in whey over my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s55b8/i_should_never_have_climbed_into_this_vat_of/
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What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent Van Gogh?

You gonna eat that?
Courtesy of my 9 year old son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s53oy/what_did_mike_tyson_say_to_vincent_van_gogh/
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Where's the brain located?

A reporter conducts a series of interviews on three teenagers to determine how intelligent the youth of today is. He starts his first interview. "Can you locate your brain?" The teenager points at his elbow and says "Here." The reporter says "Wrong!' and dismisses him.
He starts his second interview: "Can you locate your brain?" The second teenager points at his elbow and says "Here!" and once again the reporter says "no, wrong!" Then the third interview starts.
"Can you locate your brain?" he says. To his amazement, the third teenager points to the top of his head and says "Here it is!" The reporter says "Wow how could you know that?"
The teenager smiles. "Easy," he says and points at his own elbow, "I simply used this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s50ud/wheres_the_brain_located/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a red head

Are all sitting in the waiting area of the ob/gyn. The brunette says, "I heard if he's on top you're going to have a boy." The red head says, "well I heard if she's on top you're going to have a girl."
The blonde bursts into tears. The other two rush to her asking what's wrong.
Through tears and sobs she says, "I'm going to have puppies".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4to2/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_red_head/
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There were three country churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations.
So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution:
They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4tbr/there_were_three_country_churches_in_a_small/
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When everything is coming your way

You're in the wrong lane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4pb0/when_everything_is_coming_your_way/
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BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you

is an owl?
ME: Who?
*everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180°*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4nt7/boss_ive_called_you_here_because_i_suspect_one_of/
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I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was

And then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4mtx/i_waited_and_stayed_up_all_night_and_tried_to/
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A woman was in her physician's office when she suddenly asked him to kiss her

He replies, "I can't, that would be against my code of ethics"
Twenty minutes went by and the woman again pleaded for him to kiss her. Once more he refused, explaining as a doctor he simply could not.
After another 15 minutes passed, the woman begged him again.
"Look, I'm sorry. I just can't kiss you. In fact," he sighed, "I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4miv/a_woman_was_in_her_physicians_office_when_she/
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A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

submitted 3 months ago by Daniel_Chavez
The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4mho/a_woman_asked_a_general_in_the_army_the_last_time/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4mb3/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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What did Donald Trump say when he learnt black and white weren’t real colours?

Fake hues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4lc5/what_did_donald_trump_say_when_he_learnt_black/
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Have you seen r/tifu recently.

They’re fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4jsm/have_you_seen_rtifu_recently/
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A teacher is with her kindergarten class, teaching them about animals.

She asks Suzy, "What sound does a cow make?" Suzy responds, "Moo." The teacher turns to Bobby, "What sound does a horse make?" Bobby responds, "Neigh." The teacher turns to Tyrone, the only black kid in class. "What sound does a pig make?" Tyrone responds, "FREEZE MOTHERFUCKER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4ic6/a_teacher_is_with_her_kindergarten_class_teaching/
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Why did the guitarist go to jail?

For fingering A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4i3h/why_did_the_guitarist_go_to_jail/
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An SQL query walks into a bar

, walks up to two tables and asks; "May I join you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4hkg/an_sql_query_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three gentlemen are enjoying a pint at the bar

When the bartender says to them, "lads it's a slow night and I'd like to add some excitement, I'm going to make a bet with you. If you can throw your watch in the air, down your pint, run upstairs, take a piss, wash your hands then run back down before the watch hits the floor, the rest of your drinks are on me."
The first gentlemen says "That is piss easy mate!" He unclips his watch and throws it in the air, but only gets a few gulps of his pint before the watch hits the floor.
The second gentleman laughs and says, "That was pathetic! I bet I can do better." So he unclips his watch, throws it in the air and downs his pint, but as he spins around on the stool the watch hits the floor.
At this point the bartender is laughing hysterically that the two gentlemen even tried such a ridiculous challenge and pours them a pint for their efforts, as he goes to pour the third gentlemans pint, he stops the bartender.
"Watch this then."
The third gentleman unclips his watch, throws it in the air, downs his pint, runs upstairs, takes a piss, washed his hands then ran back downstairs and returned to the bar, then swiftly catches the watch in his hand.
The bartender is clearly stunned, as he pours a pint for the third gentleman he says "That was amazing, how did you manage to even do that?"
The third gentleman looks at the bartender, takes a sip of his new pint and says, "It was simple mate, my watch is slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4hj0/three_gentlemen_are_enjoying_a_pint_at_the_bar/
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Have you seen all of these posts on redsit lately about people having sex with fruit?

They're fucking bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4fm9/have_you_seen_all_of_these_posts_on_redsit_lately/
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My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

“helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative”
Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4ede/my_girlfriend_just_sent_me_a_facebook_message/
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There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom.

She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said "What brand of condoms do you prefer ma'am." She said "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels," at which point he fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4eam/there_was_an_old_lady_who_heard_you_could_keep/
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My friend got offended when I insulted his broken lamp...

Then again dark humour isn't his thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4dyq/my_friend_got_offended_when_i_insulted_his_broken/
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Just ate goose for the first time

It was fowl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s4bhy/just_ate_goose_for_the_first_time/
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What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s49nj/whats_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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If Korean Pop is K-Pop

Does that make Chinese Rap....
Crap?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s498e/if_korean_pop_is_kpop/
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Tests

Two guys were crying in front of a hospital when they meet a common friend of theirs. The friend asked them why they were crying.
First guy: I was here for a blood test and they cut my finger for blood sample.
The friend said it's perfectly natural and thats how they take a sample. The second guy immediately started crying harder then before. The friend got confused and asked him what happened.
Second guy: I'm here for urine test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s3yb4/tests/
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What do the movies "The Sixth Sense" and "Titanic" have in common?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s3y91/what_do_the_movies_the_sixth_sense_and_titanic/
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I like my men like I like my coffee.

Dark, bitter, and from a third world country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s3wx4/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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I would say a joke about my dick

But it's too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s3t3l/i_would_say_a_joke_about_my_dick/
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After many years, my father finally got his book, "Important Moments in Hydroelectric Power" published

And it's about dam time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s3ri1/after_many_years_my_father_finally_got_his_book/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s3jnc/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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I went to the store today to buy some coconuts.

And a pack of gum, so it wouldn't be weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s3jdf/i_went_to_the_store_today_to_buy_some_coconuts/
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My doctor told me that I absolutely can't drink any more.

So I promised to drink exactly the same amount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s3j1t/my_doctor_told_me_that_i_absolutely_cant_drink/
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I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy"

Some days I just stand at a green light till I’m feeling good about myself. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s3gkk/i_have_a_bumper_sticker_saying_honk_if_you_think/
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Three nuns sitting on a park bench. Naked man runs by.

Two had a stroke.
The other couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s3fqi/three_nuns_sitting_on_a_park_bench_naked_man_runs/
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A man is buying a banana, some skittles, and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man responds: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s3cti/a_man_is_buying_a_banana_some_skittles_and_two/
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What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?

Single.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s3bii/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_with_long_fingernails/
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The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers here"

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s3b6b/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear...
(From my daughter)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s39yl/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
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A woman goes to the doctor... [long][nsfw]

A woman goes to the doctor,  "Doctor! Doctor!" she says, "You've got to help me.  Every day my husband comes home from work, doesn't say a word, wolfs down whatever I fix for supper, grabs a 6-pack of beer and falls asleep in front of the TV watching sports.   We haven't made love in years and I'm so horny I'm going crazy!"
The doctor says, "I've just received some new pills which might be able to help you.  Take these home and tomorrow morning dissolve one of them in your husband's coffee and then see what happens."
The woman thanks him, takes the pills and goes home.
The next day, she calls the dr.  "I did exactly as you instructed but it didn't work.  I was even wearing my sexiest outfit when my husband got home from work.  He didn't even look at me -- just ate his dinner in 5 minutes, grabbed his beer and fell asleep watching baseball."
"Hmmmm..." said the doctor.  "This is more serious than I thought.  Tomorrow try two pills in his coffee.  But be careful -- they are powerful."
The woman does as he says, but to no avail.  Nothing changes.  On the third morning, she says, "Fuck it!  I'm going to dump the rest of the bottle of pills in his coffee.  If that doesn't work, it's hopeless!"  So she does just that.
Two weeks later, her son dials 911.
Operator:  "911.  What is your emergency?"
Boy:  "You've got to help me!  My mom is dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass is sore and Dad is squatting naked in the corner with a crazed look in his eyes saying, 'Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s38np/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_longnsfw/
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What the boy with no arms got for his birthday?

I don't know, he didn't open it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s38bf/what_the_boy_with_no_arms_got_for_his_birthday/
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What's Reddit's favorite drink this summer?

Peñis Colada

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s36dz/whats_reddits_favorite_drink_this_summer/
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I once Threw a lamp at my sister....

And told her to Lighten the Fuck up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s369s/i_once_threw_a_lamp_at_my_sister/
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A little boy was playing golf with a priest.

Everything was going fine, but the priest noticed that everytime the little boy misses a shot, he would swear.
"Fuck!" said the boy as he putts too strongly and misses the hole.
We would say this everytime he makes a mistake.
After what seemed like an infinite number of f bombs, the priest finally cracked.
"Listen," said the priest as he starts to scold the young lad. "If I hear you swear one last time, I would pray, right here and right now, for God to come and strike you with lighting."
The priest meant what he had said, and the boy recognized it, so he kept his mouth shut for the remainder of the course.
The little boy was winning by one stroke when they reached the final hole.
His ball was merely five feet from the hole when he tried to putt it. But yet again, he misjudged the distance and simply swung too hard. The ball missed the hole and rolled a foot past it.
"FUCK!" exclaimed the little boy, yet again.
"Okay, that's it," said the priest angrily. Then he proceeds to pray. "Dear Lord, good God in heaven, punish this kid for his misbehaviour."
Almost instantaneously, a dark cloud appeared and flew in the vicinity.
There was a blinding flash of light as a huge bolt of lighting was generated from the cloud.
Then it struck the priest.
"Fuck!" God exclaimed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s350k/a_little_boy_was_playing_golf_with_a_priest/
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My friend david had his id stolen a few days ago.

now we just call him dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s32nj/my_friend_david_had_his_id_stolen_a_few_days_ago/
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What do you call an emo acapella group?

Self Harmony!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s315y/what_do_you_call_an_emo_acapella_group/
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THE FARMER'S DAUGHTERS

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2y13/the_farmers_daughters/
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A DEATH IN THE FAMILY

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2vjn/a_death_in_the_family/
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A referee picks up his phone during a game.

*12 missed calls*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2t57/a_referee_picks_up_his_phone_during_a_game/
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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, ""Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off."The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family."I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes."The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought...." then he gets another idea.....Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep.The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline.The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2sww/a_guy_buys_a_vintage_motorcycle_he_saw_for_sale/
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A family goes on vacation

A husband, wife, and their 4 year old son, Tim, are planning a beach vacation. They look around online and quickly choose their destination. When they arrive, the husband and wife notice they've made a mistake and accidently booked reservations at a nude beach. They are shocked but figure since Tim  is so young that it shouldn't really be a problem so they decide to stay. They are enjoying some fun in the sun when Tim comes running to his mom and says, "mommy, every lady here has bigger boobies than you." The mom responds, "that's ok hun, the bigger the boobs they have, the ditzier they are." Tim goes back to playing in the sand. About an hour later, Tim runs up to his dad and says, "hey daddy, all the men here have bigger peepees than you." The dad awkwardly chuckles and says, "heh well that's okay son, the bigger their penises are, the dumber they are." Tim laughs and says, "oh okay." He then runs back to play some more. A little while later, the mom approaches Tim and ask where his dad is. He points and replies, "he's talking to the ditziest lady I've ever seen and he's gotten much dumber"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2nco/a_family_goes_on_vacation/
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A joke my pastor told this morning at church

A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God.
"Will I die?" she asked.
"No," God replied, "You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days."
At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.
She gets a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even gets a surgery to change the color of her hair.
After her final surgery, she walks out and gets hit by a car and dies. When she goes up in heaven and meets God, she's steaming.
"What was that!?" she asked.
"What?" God responded, "You died."
"You said I would live another 40 years!"
"Oh." God thought for a while.
"I didn't recognize you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2ksz/a_joke_my_pastor_told_this_morning_at_church/
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold onto your nuts! This is no ordinary blow job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2jvf/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_tree/
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A man told me to put his dick in my ear today

I gotta admit, it **sounded hard**, but once it was in, I could **hear where he was cumming from**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2hxi/a_man_told_me_to_put_his_dick_in_my_ear_today/
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Why do dyslexic gay men keep going to Switzerland?

To see the large hardon collider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2gis/why_do_dyslexic_gay_men_keep_going_to_switzerland/
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When released from prison after 30 years I went for a prostate exam

The doctor said he could just eyeball it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2fqh/when_released_from_prison_after_30_years_i_went/
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Good news and bad news...

The good news is that I get regular sex with my teacher. The bad news, I'm home schooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2di9/good_news_and_bad_news/
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My parents said they would never play favorites...

Which is sad considering I was an only child

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2dcn/my_parents_said_they_would_never_play_favorites/
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I played doctor with my girlfriend

She stayed over for the weekend and I sent her a bill for $200,000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2cu4/i_played_doctor_with_my_girlfriend/
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What are some good things about living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2a0a/what_are_some_good_things_about_living_in/
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What do you call 4 Mexicans drowning in quicksand?

Quattro Cinco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s25r9/what_do_you_call_4_mexicans_drowning_in_quicksand/
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A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital.

When he awakens, he's being quickly rolled through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
He looks around and in his disoriented haze asks, "Am I in heaven?"
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s25g8/a_priest_has_a_heart_attack_and_is_rushed_to_the/
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What's the similarity between Trump and Pink Floyd?

They both got famous from The Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s23ha/whats_the_similarity_between_trump_and_pink_floyd/
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My girlfriend always yells at me because I get my directions mixed up

So I right left away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s23fh/my_girlfriend_always_yells_at_me_because_i_get_my/
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What do you call it when someone insults the whole world, and they retaliate?

Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s22kr/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_insults_the/
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They finally released the book about my favourite seasoning

It's about thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s2152/they_finally_released_the_book_about_my_favourite/
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My grandma got one of those StairLifts for her house.

Shit drives her up the walls...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s206n/my_grandma_got_one_of_those_stairlifts_for_her/
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Did you hear about the sound technician that got fired recently?

Apparently he couldn't handle feedback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1xp2/did_you_hear_about_the_sound_technician_that_got/
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Who is James Bond's favorite bartender?

Michael J. Fox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1vyx/who_is_james_bonds_favorite_bartender/
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I never really thought our son would get that far.

Yeah, this catapult is amazing, go get our daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1vqx/i_never_really_thought_our_son_would_get_that_far/
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Wedding problems...

Every time I go to weddings the older folks poke me in the arm and whisper "that is gonna be you! That is gonna be you!"
So now when I go to funerals I poke them in the arm and say "that is gonna be you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1s5m/wedding_problems/
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A soldier ran up to a nun

, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied: "He went that way."
After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."
The nun said: "I understand completely."
The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1rz0/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
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If you sometimes feel really down and useles...

...think about this subreddit's "Search" option

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1rwk/if_you_sometimes_feel_really_down_and_useles/
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How do you organize a party in space

You Planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1rpn/how_do_you_organize_a_party_in_space/
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I saw 3 guys beating up Donald Trump and went to help...

Theres no chance he could fight all four of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1qgz/i_saw_3_guys_beating_up_donald_trump_and_went_to/
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Her & His Diary

Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Motorcycle won’t start…can't figure out why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1pey/her_his_diary/
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How did the church save money on their electric bill?

They switched to souler power from the son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1oy3/how_did_the_church_save_money_on_their_electric/
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Trump and Obama meets during inauguration.

Trump asks: Barack, your approval ratings are pretty high. I love ratings bigly. Can you give me some tips?
Obama: The key is having a strong administration. I make sure that my administration not only works hard but is also composed of smart people.
Trump: What do you mean?
Obama summons Biden.
Obama (to Biden): Joe, I have a question for you. Who is a son or daughter of your parents but not your sibling?
Biden: It is me Barack!
Obama to Trump: See, that is how we roll...
After inauguration Trump decides to test this on Pence.
Trump: Mike, I have a question for you. Who is a son or daughter of your parents but not your sibling?
Pence takes half an hour but can't figure out the answer. Eventually, he decides to cheat and asks chief strategist Steve Bannon. After some brainstrom Bannon says "It is me!".
Pence rushes to Trump: It is Steve sir!
Trump furious: What are you talking about loser? It is Joe Biden. You are fired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1o2e/trump_and_obama_meets_during_inauguration/
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I'll always remember my father's last words to me...

He said "stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1l5v/ill_always_remember_my_fathers_last_words_to_me/
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If Londoners are what you call people from London and New Yorkers are what you call people from New York, what are Hamburgers??

Delicious!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1kd4/if_londoners_are_what_you_call_people_from_london/
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Talking about Genders is a lot like the World Trade centers.

There were 2 of them now it's a sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1kb3/talking_about_genders_is_a_lot_like_the_world/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.
(Credit goes to my brother)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1htg/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?

No? Don't worry neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1glr/have_you_ever_tried_ethiopian_food/
%
How does Laurent Ruquier take off his condom ?

By farting !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1fve/how_does_laurent_ruquier_take_off_his_condom/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson Went Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s1brv/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_went_camping/
%
These two guys started arguing in the local gay bar...

It got really nasty and the bouncer escorted them out the door to finish their dispute where they could no longer break any more bar furniture or fixtures.
The two gay dudes went out into the parking lot where they exchanged blows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s151p/these_two_guys_started_arguing_in_the_local_gay/
%
Why did the bald man have his hand down his pants?

So he could run his fingers through his hair!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s14pn/why_did_the_bald_man_have_his_hand_down_his_pants/
%
A roofer gets to choose how to get onto the roof. He can either use a scissor lift or a series of steps between two metal poles.

He chose the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s125b/a_roofer_gets_to_choose_how_to_get_onto_the_roof/
%
What do you get when a donkey runs through the mud?

Ass holes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0z4u/what_do_you_get_when_a_donkey_runs_through_the_mud/
%
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London..

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0yht/a_mormon_was_seated_next_to_an_irishman_on_a/
%
You wouldn't like my construction joke,

I'm still working on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0xbk/you_wouldnt_like_my_construction_joke/
%
A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain.

He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:
"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."
He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."
"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."
"But ya fuck one goat.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0vlt/a_backpacker_is_traveling_through_ireland_when_it/
%
Why was the fisherman upset with his new property?

After selling his sole for a small plaice perched by the sea (something to the tuna 500 square feet), he found something fishy within contract and realised he cod do better if he weren't such a cheap-skate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0vkf/why_was_the_fisherman_upset_with_his_new_property/
%
My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday..

..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0v3j/my_son_is_so_ungrateful_i_bought_him_a_trampoline/
%
I have lots of jokes about obese people,

But none of them work out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0up9/i_have_lots_of_jokes_about_obese_people/
%
What do you get when you goose a ghost?

A handful of sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0sye/what_do_you_get_when_you_goose_a_ghost/
%
How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But it takes 10 episodes to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0sdd/how_many_super_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now."
That's one hole that never really healed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0qpd/dentist_this_will_hurt_a_little/
%
Every time I visit my allotment there's more and more soil

The plot thickens...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0o4g/every_time_i_visit_my_allotment_theres_more_and/
%
Did you hear about the barista who became really buff?

She's been working on her French Press.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0mq7/did_you_hear_about_the_barista_who_became_really/
%
2 aliens go to a gas station

Alien 1 says to a gas pump "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER"
Alien 2 warns the other alien "hey watch out dude he seems like a badass"
Alien 1 says "NONSENSE, TAKE ME YOUR LEADER NOW OR DIE"
Alien 1 then shoots the gas pump and there is a huge explosion knocking them both down
Alien 1 asks "how did you know he was a badass?"
Alien 2 says "anyone that can wrap their dick around them 3 times and call themself Ethel MUST be a badass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0ik6/2_aliens_go_to_a_gas_station/
%
Two hookers are standing on a street corner

When the first hooker turns to the second and says "Hey, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The second hooker thinks for a moment and replies, "Nope, but I've been swung around by the tits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0h8l/two_hookers_are_standing_on_a_street_corner/
%
A religious man was drowning in the middle of the sea.

A boat stopped by and the sailor said:
"Hey there, do you need help?"
The man then said: "No thank you, God will save me"
The sailor left in a hurry and confused.
The man kept praying and praying.
A second boat arrived and the sailor said holding the lifejacket:
"Uh hi, do you need a hand?"
The man said: "No thank you, God will save me"
And proceeded to drown.
He woke up in heaven and saw God, he asked God:
"God? Why didn't you save me?!"
God then replies:
"I sent you two boats you idiot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s0ask/a_religious_man_was_drowning_in_the_middle_of_the/
%
I saw 4 guys beating up a kid, because he was gay so I went there to help.

He really had no chance against the 5 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6s01r0/i_saw_4_guys_beating_up_a_kid_because_he_was_gay/
%
A soldier survived mustard gas one day, and was pepper sprayed the next.

He was a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzy08/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_one_day_and_was/
%
No wonder they killed Jesus...

Have you tasted this guy's blood?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzxs1/no_wonder_they_killed_jesus/
%
Motivation is like quicksand.

I'll likely never encounter it but see it in movies all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzwpo/motivation_is_like_quicksand/
%
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them...

...but when he rounded them up he had 200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzva4/a_farmer_in_the_field_with_his_cows_counted_196/
%
Oxygen and potassium walk into a bar

The bartender said "Ok"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzuvd/oxygen_and_potassium_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A lesbian walks into a bra

She's getting real sick of her roommate leaving her shit hanging in the doorway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzup8/a_lesbian_walks_into_a_bra/
%
Why was everyone named Ezekiel in the Soviet Union?

Because everyone Ezekiel in communism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rztxo/why_was_everyone_named_ezekiel_in_the_soviet_union/
%
Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzt1l/growing_up_my_dad_said_we_should_treat_him_like_a/
%
My grandfather told me my generation is too dependent on technology.

I said, "No grandpa, your generation is too dependent on technology." Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzsh2/my_grandfather_told_me_my_generation_is_too/
%
How do Putin opponents commit suicide?

Two bullets to the back of the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzrhs/how_do_putin_opponents_commit_suicide/
%
I found a way to make my penis 12 inches long

Fold it in half

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzr0u/i_found_a_way_to_make_my_penis_12_inches_long/
%
Girlfriends are like subway seats...

You don't know how many homeless guys were in them before you came along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzq8v/girlfriends_are_like_subway_seats/
%
A lady goes to the doctor.

Lady: Doctor, Doctor! I grew a penis! It's so big and scary and long, its freaking me out! Please remove it!
Doctor: Stop screaming and grow some balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzpf0/a_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
I was in a public restroom in Palm Springs recently and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next stall

He said "Hi! How's it going?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to tonight?". A little afraid and a little irritated, I said "Sitting here, same as you!" He said, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said "Rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back. There's an idiot next door answering all my questions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzomp/i_was_in_a_public_restroom_in_palm_springs/
%
How many femenists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because feminists dont change anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzmpv/how_many_femenists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why is a pig M. Night Shyamalan's favorite animal?

Cause it has a little twist at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzm8g/why_is_a_pig_m_night_shyamalans_favorite_animal/
%
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzjsj/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Why was the Greek God Apollo named that?

Because he was a chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzhjm/why_was_the_greek_god_apollo_named_that/
%
I gave my number to a girl at the club

She said she'd text me when she got home...
I guess she's homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzerm/i_gave_my_number_to_a_girl_at_the_club/
%
My ex girlfriend is a lot like my grill.

They're both smoking hot and burned my house down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzcvl/my_ex_girlfriend_is_a_lot_like_my_grill/
%
Taking the Fourier transform of this subreddit would be easy

Because the jokes here repeat periodically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzc17/taking_the_fourier_transform_of_this_subreddit/
%
After eating at a German restaurant, I had horrendous diarrhea for a week.

It was the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rzb4k/after_eating_at_a_german_restaurant_i_had/
%
What do you call a body that's been buried in the wrong tomb?

A grave mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rz93m/what_do_you_call_a_body_thats_been_buried_in_the/
%
I dislike how Mandarin is romanized

But that's just my o-pinyin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rz8qg/i_dislike_how_mandarin_is_romanized/
%
STILL THE KING

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rz6rx/still_the_king/
%
My son said he hates paraphrasing.

Or something like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rz1uy/my_son_said_he_hates_paraphrasing/
%
That beef I ate last night isn't sitting right

Eating it was a misteak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ryyrc/that_beef_i_ate_last_night_isnt_sitting_right/
%
I told my neighbour that I was scared our dog would run away.

He said, "Have you thought about fencing?"
"No," I said, "I don't even own a sword."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ryykh/i_told_my_neighbour_that_i_was_scared_our_dog/
%
Addition's a son of a bitch

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."
" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother goes to Little Johnny's school the next day and confronted the teacher, "What are you teaching my son?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four? Because that's what little Johnny keeps saying. He must have learnt it at school, since I don't teach addition at home!”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she replied, "Let me show you what we are teaching at our school. Then you can decide where he is learning the phrase from.”
The teacher takes Johnny’s mother into the classroom, where the kids are clearly saying,”two plus two, the sum of which is four.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ryogh/additions_a_son_of_a_bitch/
%
A man asks a woman, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman scoffs, "No!!"
The man replies, "Hmm, must be your feet then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ryn7o/a_man_asks_a_woman_can_i_smell_your_pussy/
%
A young man buys the sports car of his dreams

While visiting his grandfather, the man finds out his grandfather has wanted to drive one of these cars for a *very* long time. Since the two were so close, the man decided to let his grandfather drive his beloved machine.
On the highway, the grandfather was driving in excess of 200kph, and was pulled over. Never being pulled over before, the man was freaking out, but the grandfather simply said, "Don't worry, I can get us out of any ticket. Just shut the hell up."
The officer pulls up to the driver's window, and asks for the car's registration, as well as the grand father's license. The grandfather responds, "I'd love to give you those papers, but frankly I can't, as this is a stolen vehicle."
The officer responds, "Well, that's not very good. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?"
The grandfather simply says, "There's also one loaded gun in the glove box, one in each door jam, and one under each seat."
The officer asks the men to step out of the car, and handcuffs the pair. After the two have been sat down by the police car, the officer again asks, "Sir, is there anything else I'm unaware of?"
Again, the grandfather says, "Why yes, actually. There is a dead body in the trunk, so frankly I'm in a bit of a hurry."
Mortified, the officer calls for backup so they can search the car together. He arrives, and the original officer informs his partner of the situation.
After the two officers search the car, the officer's partner comes up to the two men and says, "My partner informed me that you told him you had guns everywhere, a dead body, and all of this in a stolen vehicle without a license. However, all we found was your license in your coat pocket, and that the vehicle is registered to this young man right here. What the hell is going on?"
The grandfather smiles and says, "Did that son of a bitch also tell you I was speeding?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rykik/a_young_man_buys_the_sports_car_of_his_dreams/
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What is the BDSM communitie's favorite scripture?

Turn the other cheek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ryiz1/what_is_the_bdsm_communities_favorite_scripture/
%
Why is 6.9 a horrible number for a sex position?

Because there's a period in the middle of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ryhsj/why_is_69_a_horrible_number_for_a_sex_position/
%
How do you get across Walden Pond?

Thoreau, Thoreau, Thoreau your boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ryeom/how_do_you_get_across_walden_pond/
%
Kids in the backseat cause accidents....

Accidents in the backseat cause kids....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ryelf/kids_in_the_backseat_cause_accidents/
%
A man parks his car. As he is getting out a traffic warden walks up and says, "I'm sorry sir, you can't park your car here." .....

...."Yes I can" says the man. "The sign there says, 'Fine for Parking'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rye8m/a_man_parks_his_car_as_he_is_getting_out_a/
%
[NSFW] A man go to the doctor

"I'm always feel like I'm exhausted. Is there anyway to deal with it doc?"
"I think you should stop masturbating. It would probably help"
"Why do you think so doc?"
"Because we are in the middle of the examination."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rycvf/nsfw_a_man_go_to_the_doctor/
%
To whoever keeps stealing the stairs to my front porch:

I will find you; steps are being taken. If you ever show up here again, you will get such a railing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rycq1/to_whoever_keeps_stealing_the_stairs_to_my_front/
%
An Indian walks into a trading post

And he asks the owner for toilet paper. The owner replies we have Charmin for .35 cents a roll. The Indian shakes his head and says too much. The owner says we also have Bounty for .15 cents a roll. Again the Indian shakes his head and says too much. The owner says well I have some no name toilet paper that's been sitting in the back forwver, I suppose I could sell that for .05 cents a roll. The Indian nods in agreement, pays, and leaves with the mystery toilet paper. The next day the Indian returns and asks for a roll of Bounty. The owner sells him a roll, and asks didn't I see you yesterday? The Indian replies yes, and I also now know the name of that toilet paper... The owner says really? And what is it. To which the Indian replies that's John Wayne toilet paper. Owner asks and how you figure that? Indian says cause it's rough and tough and don't take no shit off any Indians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ryci1/an_indian_walks_into_a_trading_post/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ryas3/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
%
I'm terrified of hurdles

I'll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ry93z/im_terrified_of_hurdles/
%
Why did hamburger go to the gym?

To get better buns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ry88o/why_did_hamburger_go_to_the_gym/
%
6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ry4vu/6_was_afraid_of_7_because_7_8_9_but_why_did_7_eat/
%
Why would Italians make a faithful spy?

Because they won't utter a word when their hands are tied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ry4qj/why_would_italians_make_a_faithful_spy/
%
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

Because the pot was calling the cattle back…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ry49g/why_did_the_cows_return_to_the_marijuana_field/
%
A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."
"Does this mean I can never get any faster?" The sprinter asks.
"Exactly. You've gone beyond what any human has ever achieved but now your foot is lost. I can give you a good prosthetic and some physiotherapy but you'll never be as fast as you were. Perhaps it would be best to retire from running."
"But I am a sprinter!" exclaims the sprinter, "If I dont sprint, I'm not anyone! No invisible wall is getting the better of me!"
After months of physical therapy and retraining himself all over again, sheer force of will puts the sprinter back on the track and ready to beat his previous time.
The sprinter sets off again, and runs harder and faster than he even managed before, when- THUD. He sees his body smash into the invisible wall, blood and limbs spread everywhere. "Not again!" the sprinter screams, as everything goes dark and he passes into a coma.
He wakes up in hospital, weeks later. He can't see whatever's left of his body under all the plaster and tubes everywhere.
"Not you again," says the doctor. "Somehow we've managed to reconstruct most of your body from the mess you made on the wall and we had a team of engineers take care of the rest. But even if you can do this you really shouldn't, I don't know if I can fix you again."
Completely undeterred, the sprinter, now almost more machine than man, continues training to be even better than he was. He has his cyborg legs upgraded and improved upon, and trains his body ten hours a day every day for eight years.
It's the big day. The story's gotten out and the sprinter now appears in front of a stadium of thousands as the world gathers to watch his third attempt to get through the fourth wall.
Equipped with a titanium exoskeleton and battering ram, the sprinter takes his mark for his third and final showdown with the fourth wall.
As he speeds up, his life flashes before his eyes, he remembers being the fastest kid on the playground and how everything he's done since then has led up to this moment- the fastest being on Earth, facing his ultimate challenge- his destiny will be decided here and now. He will break the fourth wall or die trying.
He screams as he hits the wall at what to the audience might as well have been the speed of light.
As the dust from the track settles, the audience gasp in disbelief and horror.
All that remains of the sprinter is a puddle of red and grey goo running down an invisible wall with a very visible crack through the middle.
The same doctor who saved the patient twice before is there in the hospital when the sprinter's reconstructed brain is somehow revived in a robot body.
"Well," he says to the doctor, "I suppose this is a running joke.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ry40c/a_sprinter_is_training_one_day_when_he_beats_the/
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What do you get if you cross a joke with a motorcycle?

A Yamahahahaha!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ry304/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_joke_with_a/
%
I just stayed up for 10 days straight

I only sleep at night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rxz0n/i_just_stayed_up_for_10_days_straight/
%
What is a mushroom in a tent?

A Campingon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rxtcn/what_is_a_mushroom_in_a_tent/
%
I think it's interesting how people sleep differently

I usually sleep on my back, my brother sleeps on his stomach, and my ex sleeps with half of this town

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rxt1y/i_think_its_interesting_how_people_sleep/
%
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm
just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rxqhz/a_bus_stops_and_2_italian_men_get_on/
%
Just read a book about our ankle

Was a painful experience as it had a lot of unexpected twists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rxqag/just_read_a_book_about_our_ankle/
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Three guys were traveling on a helicopter.

Suddenly, their engine stops and the chopper falls. The first guy hangs from the leg of the chopper. The second guy hangs from the first guys leg. The third guy hangs from the second guys pants.
As they were falling they agree to sing a last song. The first guy asks to sing and the other two agreed.
"If you're happy and you know it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rxpel/three_guys_were_traveling_on_a_helicopter/
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What do you call the study of feminism?

Trigonometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rxno9/what_do_you_call_the_study_of_feminism/
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How do billboards communicate?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rxn7a/how_do_billboards_communicate/
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A tired American solider

An American solider serving in WWII had just returned from intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted the R&R and was on a train bound London. The train was very crowded, so the solider walked the length of the train looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was adjacent to a well dressed middle age woman and was being used by her little dog.
The solider asked, "Please, ma'am, May I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked at him, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The solider walked away, determined to find a place to rest. After another trip down the train, he found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, Lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans. Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The solider didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty space.
The woman shrieked, demanded that someone defend her and chastise the solider.
Suddenly, an English Gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, Sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road."
"And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rxglo/a_tired_american_solider/
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I have a 50% chance to get laid tonight.

I mean, if 1 out of 2 persons wants it, that's 50%, right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rxemy/i_have_a_50_chance_to_get_laid_tonight/
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I just started going for a sniper training course

My trainer told me that sniping is like programming, you gotta C#.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rxcx1/i_just_started_going_for_a_sniper_training_course/
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Whats wet on the inside and hairy on the outside. It starts with 'C', ends with 'T', and has a 'U' and an 'N' in the middle.

Coconut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rxcr0/whats_wet_on_the_inside_and_hairy_on_the_outside/
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A coconut walks into a bar...

At least it didn't get fucked...yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rx9ye/a_coconut_walks_into_a_bar/
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A Scientist is with his peer

The peer asks the scientist, "What are you working on?"
The scientist says, "Its amazing. I taught a dog how to communicate to humans with morse code!"
The two walk down the hall to see the dog and the scientist gives the dog a command. The dogs taps his paw on the ground with intervals of time creating letters in morse code.
The peer says, "What is he saying?"
The scientist says, "Woof."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rx6ek/a_scientist_is_with_his_peer/
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At dinner, Little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer...

"But I don't know how to pray", he replied.
"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc...", said his father.
"Okay", the boy said.
"*Dear Lord, thank you for the visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work. AMEN!*"
**Dinner was canceled!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rx5aw/at_dinner_little_johnny_was_asked_to_lead_the/
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Two men are eating chili together.

One finishes his bowl and claims it's the best chili he's ever eaten. He looks at the second man who's bowl is completely full.
First man: are you gonna eat that?
Second man: nah I'm not feeling too good.
First man: wouldn't want it to go to waste then.
The first man eats the second bowl of chili and finds a dead mouse at the bottom. He instantly spews the chili back into the bowl.
Second man: yeah that's as far as I got too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rx38i/two_men_are_eating_chili_together/
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A windmill was spotted at The Dark Tower premier this weekend.

People said it was a huge Stephen King fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rx2ql/a_windmill_was_spotted_at_the_dark_tower_premier/
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How do you know your house is haunted?

You get booed during sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rx2my/how_do_you_know_your_house_is_haunted/
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What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rx1vt/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
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An Irish Man is at a Bar

He's been at the bar all night. Eventually, around 2:00 AM, the bartender tells him he has to leave and go home. So the Irish man stands up. BOOM! He falls flat on his face. "I'm more drunk than I thought!" Said the Irish man to himself. "Maybe if I crawl outside and get some fresh air I'll be ok." So he crawls outside and stands up again. BOOM! He falls flat on his face. "Well maybe if I crawl home I'll be sobered up enough to walk." So the Irish man crawls home and stands up. BOOM! He falls flat on his face. "Well I guess I'll just crawl to my room." So he crawls to his room, stands up, falls into his bed and passes out. He is woken up the next morning by his wife. "Honey were you drinking again last night?" She says. "Why, do I smell like alcohol?" He replies. "No, the bar called. You forgot your wheelchair again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwza6/an_irish_man_is_at_a_bar/
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Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?

- She couldn't find the "10" button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwyx1/why_couldnt_the_blonde_add_10_5_on_a_calculator/
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Mother & son

Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"
Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick: "What school?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwyas/mother_son/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to put the picture of Jesus up on a wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwxgb/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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Girl, are you a post from r/jokes?

Because I feel like I've seen you before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwuat/girl_are_you_a_post_from_rjokes/
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So they successfully transplanted a woman's vagina onto a dog..

Wishing Paula Deen the best of luck in her recovery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwt1h/so_they_successfully_transplanted_a_womans_vagina/
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Donald Trump committed suicide

Nevermind, fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwsoj/donald_trump_committed_suicide/
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Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwrvx/is_google_male_or_female/
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A cop on a horse meets a little girl riding her bike

He watches her intently then says, "Hey hon, Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes sir," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" He says with a wry smile and fines her $2 for the missing tail light.
The little girl looks up at the cop for a minute and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwrvp/a_cop_on_a_horse_meets_a_little_girl_riding_her/
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[Original joke] [Long] A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic with ice. The bartender nods and prepares the drink. A few moments later, he hands the man a glass of gin and tonic, with no ice. The man notices and points out the mistake to the bartender.
The bartender smiles. "Sorry, I had to remove the ice. Rules say no ice."
The man grumbles, but downs the drink anyway in one go. He orders a rum and coke, and the bartender nods and begins to prepare the drink. A few moments later, he hands the man a glass. The man takes a big swig, only to realize that drink was a hundred percent coke. He points out the mistake to the bartender.
The bartender smiles. "Sorry, I had to remove the rum. Rules say no rum."
The man is starting to get frustrated, but he keeps his temper in check. He decides to head to the bathroom to take a leak and cool off. After peeing, he walks over to the faucet to wash his hands, only to discover that the handle for the cold water was missing. He washes his hands with burning hot water, then angrily stomps back over to the bartender.
"Why is the bathroom faucet missing a handle?" he shouted angrily.
The bartender smiles. "Sorry, I had to remove the handle. Rules are rules, you know."
The man has had enough, and tears at his hair. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why do you arbitrarily remove things from everything?"
The bartender continued to smile, and the man let out one final outburst. "And why do you always have that insufferably smug look on your face?"
The bartender's mouth widened into a crooked smile. "You see, I'm a moderator at r/worldnews... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwrf1/original_joke_long_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man walks out of a bar...

It's a dark night, and he hears a lady whisper "30 dollars" from the shadows...  The man has had a few beers and thinks to himself "I've never been with a prostitute...  Why not?"  He scurries into the bushes where he'd heard the voice with 30 dollars in his hand and starts having sex.  Along comes a policeman and shines his light on them.
"Hey, what are you doing over there?"
"Sorry officer, just having sex with my wife"
"Oh, sorry, I didn't realize it was your wife."
"Neither did I til you shined your light on us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwnqn/a_man_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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Why does Steven Hawking only speak in one-liners?

He can't do stand-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwmgp/why_does_steven_hawking_only_speak_in_oneliners/
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What's the difference between select and choose?

Select means to pick something, choose are what Puero Ricans wear on their feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwjd6/whats_the_difference_between_select_and_choose/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball

Cuughgshk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwhwe/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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Wanna have sex?

-Hey girl wanna have good sex?
-No.
-Then you came to the right guy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwbxu/wanna_have_sex/
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Why are cowboys bad at being accountants?

Because they always round up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rwb5d/why_are_cowboys_bad_at_being_accountants/
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Did you hear about the gay midget?

He came out of the cupboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rw9vl/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_midget/
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Heterosexual women are just like spaghetti....

They're straight, until they get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rw9ne/heterosexual_women_are_just_like_spaghetti/
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Friends are like balloons

If you stab them they die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rw7yx/friends_are_like_balloons/
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Once, a man ordered a penis enlargement kit through a website

He was furious when he opened the packet which was delivered. All it had was a magnifying glass.
But he started laughing when he saw a note along with it: "Avoid using in direct sunlight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rw7m2/once_a_man_ordered_a_penis_enlargement_kit/
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I have mixed feelings about masturbation

On one hand it feels good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rw6mt/i_have_mixed_feelings_about_masturbation/
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What do you call a mushroom with a 10-inch stem?

A fungi to be with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rw5co/what_do_you_call_a_mushroom_with_a_10inch_stem/
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What would you call Hitler if he was blind?

A not see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rw4np/what_would_you_call_hitler_if_he_was_blind/
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I have a fear of elevators...

...but I'm taking steps to avoid it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rw3jl/i_have_a_fear_of_elevators/
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People think the the local druggie is an asshole.

They keep telling him "You're a dick, Ted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rw284/people_think_the_the_local_druggie_is_an_asshole/
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What do you call a row of rabbits backing up?

A receding hareline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rw1bs/what_do_you_call_a_row_of_rabbits_backing_up/
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What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rvz6g/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_of_only_two_sodium_atoms/
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Just realized my poorly-upvoted posts end up being the answer to "what did the driver do at the race track?"

[erased]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rvyh3/just_realized_my_poorlyupvoted_posts_end_up_being/
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Are you soup?

Because you're hot and I wanna blow you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rvy3n/are_you_soup/
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Why do rappers hate bicycles

They can't handle the bars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rvwbu/why_do_rappers_hate_bicycles/
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As a paramedic, I've learned that there is something you can never say with a straight face:

I'm having a stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rvuun/as_a_paramedic_ive_learned_that_there_is/
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True love lasts forever

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?" The neighbour says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married." "Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?" The man shakes his head. "No," he says. "They’re all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rvt42/true_love_lasts_forever/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Anybody who bothered to look could have seen the signs. Speed had done it's work on the road and it was starting to crack up - didn't know if it was coming or going. The chicken knew that. The chicken knew that road had always been a little slippery. Sure it started out with bright, clear lines and knew how to keep things in their proper lane, but now... Now the lines were blurred. Look, the chicken loved that road, but the road had become dangerous. It was just a matter of time before asphalt rolled over into death.
You want to know why the chicken crossed the road? Because the road was a heartbeat away from going rogue and crossing anybody that came along.
The chicken did what everybody else didn't have the balls to do and it fried for it. Say what you will, but if you just slap it between some bread and add, maybe, some lettuce and tomato, and it's a goddamn hero if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rvhss/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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A chemist walks into a bar...

He sees a group of other chemists who he works with and says to both the bartender and the chemists, "Gentlemen, tonight, all the drinks are on me!"
The chemists woo and cheer as the bartender says, "Wow, well you must have had a good day at work today then."
"Fantastic!" the chemist responds with a grin reaching from one cheek to the other, "Today, I finally found a way to make a stable molecule from a barium atom, two sodium atoms and a sulphur atom!"
The bartender takes a step back in shock, "W-wow!" he replies, "That's BaNaNaS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rveoq/a_chemist_walks_into_a_bar/
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I can relate to an unused brick

Always hard never laid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rvdr9/i_can_relate_to_an_unused_brick/
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What did the Maxi-pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rv6no/what_did_the_maxipad_say_to_the_fart/
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Why do golfers bring extra pants?

Incase they get a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rv67h/why_do_golfers_bring_extra_pants/
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A baby boy is born without eyelids

.  The parents are distraught, asking the doctor what can be done.  "There's a procedure, experimental, but successful in all cases," the doctor explains.  "The procedure involves using the foreskin removed during circumcision, and using it as the eyelids."  "Why, that's wonderful!" exclaims the father.  "The tissue actually seems to be quite similar" he ponders.
It seems a perfect procedure..  "But doc," asks the mother, "are there any side effects?
Breathing a heavy sigh, the doctor explains, "Why yes.  Your son will be a bit cock-eyed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rv470/a_baby_boy_is_born_without_eyelids/
%
Why didnt Barbie ever get pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rv19s/why_didnt_barbie_ever_get_pregnant/
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A Canadian was on trial for second-degree murder.

He was acquitted, but he apologized anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ruzcz/a_canadian_was_on_trial_for_seconddegree_murder/
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I was once attacked by a Frenchman with a baguette

That memory is still inbreaded within me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ruz31/i_was_once_attacked_by_a_frenchman_with_a_baguette/
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My wife and I were walking past a restaurant

She turns to me and says
"Wow , that place smells really nice"
I decided to treat her
I let her walk past it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ruyk2/my_wife_and_i_were_walking_past_a_restaurant/
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A man stumbles upon a group of Redditors

One yells out 58 and they all start giggling. The man is puzzled and asks them what's so funny.
A Redditor tells him that they know all the jokes and instead of telling them, they just say the numbers assigned to the joke and they all remember it and laugh.
The man turns to the redditors and yells out "83!". The redditors are devastated, they fall on the ground laughing.
One turns to the man, tears in his eyes from the laughter, and says "Good one mate, we've never heard that one before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ruv1i/a_man_stumbles_upon_a_group_of_redditors/
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Met a really hot girl last night, but my buddies we're telling me "Forget her, dude, she's way out of your league".

I'm going "Oh, you think she's too pretty for me?". They're saying "No not that, it's just that she's in the Minors".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ruuyl/met_a_really_hot_girl_last_night_but_my_buddies/
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Why did the slave go to college?

To get his master's degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rus7n/why_did_the_slave_go_to_college/
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What's a man with no arms or no legs in a pile of leaves called?

Russell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ruq14/whats_a_man_with_no_arms_or_no_legs_in_a_pile_of/
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The bro code

Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.
Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.
A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.
Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6run4k/the_bro_code/
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What kind of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rumf2/what_kind_of_bagel_can_fly/
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A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time

All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”
He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”
“No, this is the rink manager!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ruf67/a_guy_goes_ice_fishing_for_the_very_first_time/
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NSFW A bear wakes up from hibernation

A bear wakes up from hibernation, after so much time alone the bear is very horny. He goes out of his cave and looks  for something to fuck.
After some time he catches a squirrel and starts to fuck it really hard. 'No no no, I need to fuck a bigger animal' thought the bear.
Luckly for him, a beautiful female fox runs nearby. The bear grabs her and they have sex. When they finished the fox says 'oh my bear
the sex was really great, but you have very hairy dick'.
Bear: 'OH SHIT, A SQUIRREL'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rueof/nsfw_a_bear_wakes_up_from_hibernation/
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A man with one shoe walks into a bar.

The bartender looks at him and says "hey, what you do? Lose a shoe?"
The man looks at him and says "nope, found one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ruczq/a_man_with_one_shoe_walks_into_a_bar/
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A 60 year old millionaire is getting married

and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rucoe/a_60_year_old_millionaire_is_getting_married/
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So I'm standing around the coffeeshop with my hands in my pockets when...(NSFW)

So I'm standing around the coffeeshop with my hands in my pockets when this young lady says, "What are you doing? Playing pocket pool, grandpa?"
So I nonchalantly say, "Nope, what I'm playing is called elevator."
She can't help herself and shoots me a weird look and asks, "Elevator? What the hell is that?"
I reply, "Right now it's up. You wanna go down on it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ru9wt/so_im_standing_around_the_coffeeshop_with_my/
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A magician joke

A magician on a cruise ship is starting his routine, in the audience is the captain and his pet parrot.
During his routine, the magician pulls a quarter out of a kids ear. The bird flaps around his cage and says "It was in his hand"
Agitated, but not discouraged, the magician continues. He makes flowers appear from nowhere. Again, the parrot announces "Wire up the sleeve!"
The magician stops and says "Listen here, bird, if you don't stay quiet I'm going to shoot you" the parrot sits quietly
Then towards the end of his act the magician makes his hat disappear. The parrot squawks loudly "It's in his back pocket!" Now furious, the magician pulls a gun out and fires once at the parrot. He misses and it ricochets all the way down to the engine room and blows up the ship. The only survivors are the parrot and the magician.
Three days pass and they say nothing to each other. On the fourth day the parrot looks at the magician and says "Ok, I give up. Where's the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ru8po/a_magician_joke/
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My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall

But it was his dumb asphalt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ru8ow/my_neighbor_blamed_my_gravel_for_making_him_fall/
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Why did the actor fall through the floor...?

It was just a stage he was going through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ru7hj/why_did_the_actor_fall_through_the_floor/
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My friend asked me what I thought about vegetarianism.

I said it was nothing but a big missed steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ru70y/my_friend_asked_me_what_i_thought_about/
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What do you call a gay piece of bread

A fageutte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ru6yi/what_do_you_call_a_gay_piece_of_bread/
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A guy runs into the sperm bank with a mask and a gun...

"Hands up, lady!" he yells.
The woman behind the counter puts up her hands. "Sir! This isn't a real bank! It's a sperm bank!"
"Never mind that! Just open the vault! Now!"
So she does.
"Get in there! Grab one of them vials!" he says, waving the gun at her.
"But these are sperm samples!" she cries out.
"Just DO IT!" he says, cocking the gun at her.
So she picks up the sperm sample with shaking hands.
"Now chug it!" he says.
"Are you crazy!?" she replies, cringing.
"DO IT! NOW!"
So she gingerly pops the top off of it and swallows it down.
"Another one! Do it!"
She doesn't want to, but the guy's got a gun. Finally, after several more samples have gone down the hatch, he yanks the mask off. It's her husband.
"See, honey?" he says. "Was that so goddamn difficult?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ru5kl/a_guy_runs_into_the_sperm_bank_with_a_mask_and_a/
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[Long] My weekend in Ireland

My wife and I were in Dublin last weekend and after the first night I awoke early and looked out the window and saw two men at work, one was digging a hole and the other was filling it back in, but I went about my day regardless.
The following morning I awoke to see the same two men a bit further up the street, one digging the hole and the other filling it in so I went to get my wife and said 'come get a look at this' and she looked and said 'that's pretty weird' then we got on with our day.
On the last morning I awoke to see them at it again, I said to my wife 'I need to go over and ask what they're doing this is driving me crazy' so I go over and say 'I've been watching you guys for three days digging holes and filling them in again, what are you doing?'
To which the Irishman responded 'the guy who plants the trees is on holiday'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ru4x9/long_my_weekend_in_ireland/
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If a man were born in Russia, raised in Spain, and buried in France, what would he be?

Dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ru3xy/if_a_man_were_born_in_russia_raised_in_spain_and/
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A doctor is examining a young female patient...

"Big breaths!" he tells her.
"Yeth!" she says, "And I'm thtill only thixteen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ru3cj/a_doctor_is_examining_a_young_female_patient/
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Curiosity

I walk past a mental Asylum every day and yesterday as I neared I could hear them chanting "Seven..Seven..Seven." This continued as I walked along the wooden fence and I found myself looking for a gap to see what was going on. About 100m down the fence i spotted a hole where the knot had fallen out and hurried towards it. I jammed my eye up to the hole, rather excited to see the ruckus and a finger sprung out and jabbed me in th eye. "Eight..eight..eight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ru2tx/curiosity/
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Laughter is the best medicine.

Unless they have cancer. You can laugh at them all day and they still don't get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ru00o/laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
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I told a joke once...

No one laughed then either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtzmb/i_told_a_joke_once/
%
No matter how much of a good boy you are

There's always a dog that's a gooder boy than you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtxfd/no_matter_how_much_of_a_good_boy_you_are/
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4 young ladies and go to heaven...

When they arrive at the gate, St-Peter tells them they must bathe in a bassin of holy water  the part of their bodies with which they have touched a penis.
The first girl goes "I've only touched a penis with the tip of my fingers" and so she dips her fingers into the holy water"
The second girl goes "I've given a guy a handjob once" and so she dips her hands in the holy water.
The third one looks at the remaining girl and goes "You better rince your mouth before I  dip my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtvzj/4_young_ladies_and_go_to_heaven/
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I'll never forget my son's first words...

"Where have you been for the past 10 years?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtvwb/ill_never_forget_my_sons_first_words/
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I'm bored so here's an original joke.

A man walks by a baseball hat store and turns to look at it. The shop was aptly named "BOB'S BASEBALL HATS."
Wanting to browse, the man decides to enter. The first thing he notices is the very loud music, with the singer seemingly yelling each word. After browsing for some time, a sales representative comes up to him and shouts "HELLO! NEED ANY HELP FINDING WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!?"
The man is bewildered, and asks "Why are you shouting at me?"
The rep then shouts back "SPEAK LOUDER PLEASE!"
"Why are you shouting at me?!" The man asks, louder this time.
The rep is still not satisfied. "YOU NEED TO SPEAK MUCH LOUDER, SIR!"
Finally, the man shouts back at the same volume as the rep. "WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME!?"
Now, the sales rep gives him a straight answer. "SIR, THIS STORE ONLY SELLS BASEBALL HATS!"
"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!" The man screams.
Everything became clear to the man when the sales rep screamed back. "THIS STORE IS ALL CAPS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rttvb/im_bored_so_heres_an_original_joke/
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A guy picks up a beautiful blonde girl and takes her back to his place...

They have wild passionate sex and lay there panting when it's all over. All of a sudden, she sits up all scared.
"Wait! We should have used a condom! You don't have AIDS, do you!?"
The guy says, "No. I'm clean."
"Whew," the blonde girl says. "Good thing. I sure wouldn't want to catch that shit twice!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rttea/a_guy_picks_up_a_beautiful_blonde_girl_and_takes/
%
An armless and legless woman was lying down at a beach.

A man happens to walk by and she gets his attention.
"Excuse me, honey. All my life I've been without limbs and nobody wants to be with me. The only thing I want is to be fucked. Would you be willing to help?"
So the man picks up the woman and throws her into the ocean. He calls out, "Guess you're fucked now!"
Credit goes to my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtrff/an_armless_and_legless_woman_was_lying_down_at_a/
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A man is on trail for a double homicide...

The judge says, "Mr. Johnson, you're being charged with killing your wife with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You son of a bitch!"
The judge continues, "You're also being charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer."
The same guy at the back of the room yells out, "You goddamn bastard!"
The judge bangs his gavel and says, "Order in this courtroom! I understand these are upsetting circumstances, but one more outburst like that back there, and I'll have you arrested! Do you understand?"
Guy at the back of the room says, "But your honor, I lived next to that cocksucker for 20 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtrbj/a_man_is_on_trail_for_a_double_homicide/
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Never trust an elevator

He is going to let you down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtr4l/never_trust_an_elevator/
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How do you turn a Pussy into a Dick?

Give him a badge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtp32/how_do_you_turn_a_pussy_into_a_dick/
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What do you call a Dothraki mathematician?

Khal Culator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtp1v/what_do_you_call_a_dothraki_mathematician/
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I would like to go to Holland one day

Wooden shoe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtokx/i_would_like_to_go_to_holland_one_day/
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How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

Walking.
Jk Rowling.
Please don't hurt me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtnfk/how_does_harry_potter_get_down_a_hill/
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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"
"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"
"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's $10 for a handjob. He agreed. So I unzipped him and pulled his dick out. Oh my God it was huge! I wrapped one hand around the base, and a second hand above that, and then I put my first hand above the second hand and there was still more dick!"
"Oh my God! What happened next?" the other girl says.
"I loaned him $40."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtlfw/a_young_lady_becomes_a_hooker_and_after_her_first/
%
How many midgets does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. And maybe a ladder. They're short, not retarded!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtk2f/how_many_midgets_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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After a series of city-wide riots, the mayor of Los Angeles imposed the harshest curfew ever: anyone outdoors after 10 pm will be shot on sight!

On the very first night of the curfew, a cop shot a black kid dead at 9:45. The police chief dragged the cop in for questioning.
"What the hell you doing shooting a guy before the curfew even started!?"
"Sir, I know where that guy lives. He never would have made it home in time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtja5/after_a_series_of_citywide_riots_the_mayor_of_los/
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I've got the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtiab/ive_got_the_memory_of_an_elephant/
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Three guys are on a motorcycle. The guy in the middle is a stutterer.

All of a sudden the stutterer says: "F-f-f-f-f-"
Driver: Faster?
Stutterer: F-f-f-f-f-f-f
Driver: "You want me to go faster?"
Stutterer: "F-f-f-f-f-f"
Driver: I can't go any faster.
Stutterer: F-f-f-f Frank f-f-f-f-fell off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtdra/three_guys_are_on_a_motorcycle_the_guy_in_the/
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Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtdn6/apparently_my_attempt_at_recreating_authentic/
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Wanted: Schrodinger's Cat

Dead and alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtcek/wanted_schrodingers_cat/
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A genie grants a husband’s wish

, "Every time I have sex with my wife she will lose 5 pounds."
The husband and wife have their weekly love making and the next morning the wife weighs herself and notices the loss.
With a big grin the husband says "Maybe every time you have sex you lose 5 pounds?"
She replies “If that were true I should be down 15 pounds this week.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtcai/a_genie_grants_a_husbands_wish/
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A guy was arrested for masturbating during The Emoji Movie

What was he supposed to do? Laugh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtbxx/a_guy_was_arrested_for_masturbating_during_the/
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I taught my Dad something today.

He finally learned from his mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtatk/i_taught_my_dad_something_today/
%
My late grandmother's star sign was Cancer, which is ironic...

She got killed by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rtamn/my_late_grandmothers_star_sign_was_cancer_which/
%
Hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his beautiful young wife?

He fired them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rt239/hear_about_the_farmer_who_couldnt_keep_his_hands/
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I Was told I would miss my family...

But I never miss at close range

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rt02p/i_was_told_i_would_miss_my_family/
%
How can you tell what gender ants are?

Try to put them in water, if it sinks, it's girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rszc0/how_can_you_tell_what_gender_ants_are/
%
I don't like it when my girl calls me daddy during sex...

It's bad enough that I'm her father, but I don't need her to be constantly reminding me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rsz12/i_dont_like_it_when_my_girl_calls_me_daddy_during/
%
So my wife just found out I've been cheating on her...

Her: "why would you have sex with her?"
Me: "uhh... she hot"
Her: "you didn't think about me in all this?"
Me: "no honey I did, I thought about you the whole time to stop me from cumming early"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rsyjb/so_my_wife_just_found_out_ive_been_cheating_on_her/
%
I'm have mixed feelings about abortion.

On one hand, I love killing babies, on the other I hate giving women rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rsxyd/im_have_mixed_feelings_about_abortion/
%
A dude goes out on a date with his new Chinese girlfriend...

It goes so well that she invites him back to her place. "I had a wonderful time," she purrs at him. "I'm pretty much up for anything you want after a night like that."
The young guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, to be honest, I've always wanted to try a 69."
"Forget that!" she says. "There's no way I'm cooking chicken chow mein at this time of night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rswxh/a_dude_goes_out_on_a_date_with_his_new_chinese/
%
"Happiness is just around the corner,

too bad the world is round."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rsvr4/happiness_is_just_around_the_corner/
%
She said "No sex for you tonight"

So I responded "No sex FROM you tonight. All I have to do is drive across town".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rssxj/she_said_no_sex_for_you_tonight/
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My best friend caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. He did call the cops though. Needless to say it made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rssmb/my_best_friend_caught_me_sniffing_his_sisters/
%
Helen Keller walked into a bar.

Then a table, then a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rsrxf/helen_keller_walked_into_a_bar/
%
My girlfriend's favourite sexual position is 'The Zombie'.

She lies back and waits to be eaten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rsq1g/my_girlfriends_favourite_sexual_position_is_the/
%
My friends laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. ....

Well they're not laughing now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rso8d/my_friends_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to/
%
Three Men Are In A Bus Crash

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rsiyp/three_men_are_in_a_bus_crash/
%
Brad and Stephanie decided..

..that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and ask him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled dad asked. "Their son Charlie is standing out on the balcony too," replied the boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rsirz/brad_and_stephanie_decided/
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What do you call 'an exploded hero'?

Heroshima

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rsimy/what_do_you_call_an_exploded_hero/
%
An explosive knock knock joke

My 11yr old son came up with this joke
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting mountain
Interrup-
VOLCANO!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rshi5/an_explosive_knock_knock_joke/
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Receptionist: Doctor, your next patient claims to be invisible.

Doctor: Well tell him I can't see him right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rsg4w/receptionist_doctor_your_next_patient_claims_to/
%
My life is like a fairytale

Everyday, when I come home, there's a witch waiting for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rsey8/my_life_is_like_a_fairytale/
%
So my family and I go past a nursing home...

There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rs5yx/so_my_family_and_i_go_past_a_nursing_home/
%
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.

It caused immense pain to ma toes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rs37o/i_dropped_a_bottle_of_ketchup_on_my_foot/
%
Trump just tweeted...

Seahorses will now be banned from serving in the cavalry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rs1yc/trump_just_tweeted/
%
Give a man an inch and he'll take a mile.

Give a woman an inch and she'll be a bit disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rs17t/give_a_man_an_inch_and_hell_take_a_mile/
%
What do you call 2 gay physicists having sex?

A hard on collider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrwiy/what_do_you_call_2_gay_physicists_having_sex/
%
Whats the difference between a pimple and a priest?

A pimple waits until you're 12 to come on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrqbh/whats_the_difference_between_a_pimple_and_a_priest/
%
Why are you late?

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrmwk/why_are_you_late/
%
A Hindu, a Jew and a lawyer are traveling, taking a scenic route through the country when their car breaks down...

It's too late in the day to call a tow truck, so they walk up the road to a small farmhouse to ask for help.
They knock on the door and the farmer warmly greets them.  They explain the situation and he says that he doesn't have he necessary equipment to tow them, but if they would like to stay, he has spare room for only two of them in the house.  One would have to sleep in the barn.
Since they really have no option, the three men argue for a bit over who would be the one to sleep in the barn.  The Jewish man volunteers to sleep in the barn and they all go to their respective beds.
About an hour later, there is a knock on the door.  The farmer opens the door and finds the Jewish man who says "Forgive me for this.  I didn't realize that there was a pig in the barn.  I simply cannot stay there tonight."  The farmer, understanding of this issue, says that it's fine, but there is still only room for two people in the house.  So they all are awake and they argue again over who will sleep in the barn.  This time the Hindu man says he will sleep in the barn.  They all go to bed again.
Another hour passes and then comes another knock on the door.  The farmer, slightly annoyed this time, opens the door to find the Hindu man, who apologetically says, "I didn't realize there was a cow in the barn.  I cannot sleep there."  Again, everybody is awake and there is not even an argument this time.  The aggravated lawyer says, "Fine!  Since you two are so picky, I guess I'll just sleep in the barn!"  And they all go to bed again.
An hour passes, yet another knock on the door...
It's the pig and the cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrmox/a_hindu_a_jew_and_a_lawyer_are_traveling_taking_a/
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If I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know,

your mom would be 3 of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrmfj/if_i_had_to_name_5_of_the_fattest_people_i_know/
%
An older gentleman goes with his wife to the doctor.

The doctor asks to see the man alone in the hallway.
Once they're alone the doctor says to the man, "There's been a mix-up in your wife's test results. It might take a few days to a week to clear up. What we do know, though, is that she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
The man cries out, "This is terrible! What should I do?"
"Well.", replied the doctor, "If I were you, I'd take her and drop her off on the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrlez/an_older_gentleman_goes_with_his_wife_to_the/
%
Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfur, Sodium, and Phosphorus walk into a bar.

The bartender says: "OH SNaP"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrl1y/oxygen_hydrogen_sulfur_sodium_and_phosphorus_walk/
%
What is Darth Vader's favorite snack?

(Breathe heavy for effect)
"Coooo-Keees"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrkuk/what_is_darth_vaders_favorite_snack/
%
I was at a nightclub with a popular friend.

He said, "Would you like to see the DJ's box?"
I said, "No, thanks. I don't condone violence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrkfu/i_was_at_a_nightclub_with_a_popular_friend/
%
My wife got naked and told me to show her a good time

So I showed her a picture of my friends and I before we got married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrhvd/my_wife_got_naked_and_told_me_to_show_her_a_good/
%
A phone gets thrown into a jail cell

His cell mate looks at him and asks "what are you being charged with?"
The phone looks smugly at his cell mate and replies "Battery"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrhjl/a_phone_gets_thrown_into_a_jail_cell/
%
Minesweeper

It's either a computer game or an angry German custodian yelling at kids who stole his broom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrfgm/minesweeper/
%
A man entered a pun contest in the newspaper

He entered ten of his best puns hoping that at least one of them would win. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrfcw/a_man_entered_a_pun_contest_in_the_newspaper/
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Life is like a box of chocolates.

At the end you're fat and sad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrev8/deleted_by_user/
%
A youngest son asks his dad what's the difference between reality and hypothetically.

The dad looks to his wife and asks, "Would you have sex with Tom Cruise for 1 million?"
His wife replies, "Of course, I would never waste such an opportunity."
The dad looks to his daughter and asks, "Would you have sex with Tom Cruise for 1 million?"
His daughter replies, "YES, he's my fantasy."
The dad then looks to his elder son and asks, "Would you have sex with Tom Cruise for 1 million?"
The elder son replies, "Sure, imagine what I could do with 1 million."
The dad then looks to his youngest son and says, "You see son, 'hypothetically' we're living with 3 millionaires, but in 'reality' we're living with 2 sluts and 1 gay bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rre83/a_youngest_son_asks_his_dad_whats_the_difference/
%
Why did the conformist cross the road?

Because everyone else did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rre1f/why_did_the_conformist_cross_the_road/
%
What do you call a midget playing drums in a subway?

A metro-gnome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrdi3/what_do_you_call_a_midget_playing_drums_in_a/
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A very drunk irishman is drinking at a bar when he runs out of money...

So the man walks up to the bartender and asks "what can I do to get a free drink around here?"
The bartender looks at him and grins and replies " I have three tasks for you, if you complete these tasks, I'll let you drink for free in my bar for the rest of the night"
The guy replies in a drunkenly speech "anything, you name it"
The bartender goes "okay, first you see the 300 pound man over there? I want you to go over and knock him out cold in the ground."
"Easy" the man replies
"Next, I have this dog with an infected tooth in the back. I need you to take care of this infected tooth for me."
"That's it?" Says the man
"Finally, my 85 year old grandmother lives upstairs. She has never had an orgasm. I need you to go upstairs and give my grandmother an orgasm. You do this for me and I'll let you drink for free in my bar."
The man is sitting waiting for the signal to start
The bartender goes "3,2,1 go!"
The man runs to the end of the table and punches the guy out, one punch, cold on the floor. Everyone is amazed.
Next the man runs into the back. People hear pots and pans crashing and a dog whimpering and a all of sudden the man comes out from the back.
"Alright, now where's the grandmother with the infected tooth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrd79/a_very_drunk_irishman_is_drinking_at_a_bar_when/
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How did the window know he was adopted?

He had trans parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrcla/how_did_the_window_know_he_was_adopted/
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What do you call a Fat Psychic?

A four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrcfb/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
Little Johnny comes to momma and says: "Mommy, I want a dog."

"No way!" says the mother. "Dogs are dirty, messy, leave hair everywhere and smell!"
Johnny says again: "I want a dog!"
Mother: "I already said there won't be any dog here. Wish anything else."
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and then says: "Fair enough, mom. I wanna play mother and a father."
Mother, thinking it kinda sounds like incest, thinks about it for a minute and then says: "Ok. Once cannot hurt. We can do that, Johnny."
Little Johnny looks at her and continues: "Go get a bath, put on some nice clothes and wait for me in your bedroom."
Mom does as Johnny wanted and patiently waits for her son. Suddenly little Johnny storms in the room, sees his mother laying on the bed and screams: "What are you just lying around here, old woman? Put one some clothes! We are buying our son a dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rrbw3/little_johnny_comes_to_momma_and_says_mommy_i/
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"Wait honey, I can explain!"[LONG]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!"
The husband replied " Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine go ahead, she sobbed, but they'll be the last words you ever say to me!"
And so the husband began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested she'd take a shower. While she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, the one you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair."
The husband took a deep breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help. As I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said:
'Please, do you have anything else that your wife don't use?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rr8hm/wait_honey_i_can_explainlong/
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dog keeps chasing people...

“I’ve really had it with my dog,” says a guy to his neighbour. “He’ll chase anyone on a bicycle.”
“Hmmm, that is a problem,” says the neighbour. “What are you going to do about it?”
“Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rr71b/dog_keeps_chasing_people/
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Don't let your kids watch symphonies on TV

There's too much sax and violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rr6jf/dont_let_your_kids_watch_symphonies_on_tv/
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A rapist talked to a priest in prison and asked.

"how old"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rr5ec/a_rapist_talked_to_a_priest_in_prison_and_asked/
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What do you call a cow with no legs??

..... ground beef. 😏😏😏

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rr59h/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
I always learn from mistakes of others.....

Who take my advice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rr3we/i_always_learn_from_mistakes_of_others/
%
A rich man and a poor man were sitting at the bar, having a few drinks

They got to chatting and after a while, realised both of their wedding anniversaries were the next day.
Poor man : What did you get your wife then, for tomorrow?
Rich man : I got her a pink ferrari and a diamond ring.
Poor man : Wow, what made you choose those gifts?
Rich man : She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car.
The poor man nods in agreement.
Rich man : Well how about you? What did you get your wife?
Poor man : I got my wife a pair of cheap slippers and a dildo.
Rich man : Why did you choose those gifts?
Poor man : Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqzom/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_were_sitting_at_the_bar/
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In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time

They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter. When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven. Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't feel worried by this. The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she's ready.
"Who was the first woman?" Peter asks. "That's easy!" exclaims the nun. "Eve!". Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The second nun, encouraged by her colleague's easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she's ready as well.
"Who was the first man?" Peter asks.  "Easy! That's Adam!" says the nun, excitedly. Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" he asks. "My, that's a hard one," the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqyvn/in_a_terrible_car_accident_3_nuns_die_at_the_same/
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How did the stoner die?

From blunt force trauma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqykg/how_did_the_stoner_die/
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There was a rich man ready to go on a long business trip

He knew his wife was the flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too similar to being another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, when he gave up and asked the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation to the old man.
Old man : Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks for than a real penis can, except....
Rich man : Except what?
Old man : Nothing, nothing.
Rich man : C'mon, tell me!! I need something!!
Old man : Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick'.
Rich man : So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
Rich man : Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!!
Old man : But you haven't seen what it'll do yet!!
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, "I'll take it!" The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, it's a family heirloom, but at the end he finally surrendered to $2000 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off!!
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way there, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqy1n/there_was_a_rich_man_ready_to_go_on_a_long/
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Bubba

A farmer hired a young man named Bubba to help him out with his field. One day Bubba was using the restroom while the farmer was using the urinal next to him, and he noticed that his penis was huge. The farmer asked him how he was able to have such a long dick.
Bubba responded, "Every night before I go to bed with a woman, I bang my penis on the bedpost three times, and it really works!"
The farmer liked this tip and decides to try it. That night, before going into bed with his wife, he pulled out his dick and hits it on the bedpost three times.
He then hears his wife, half asleep, asking, "Bubba, is that you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqv4x/bubba/
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Why do gazelles always lose races?

Cause they're running against cheetahs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqsuw/why_do_gazelles_always_lose_races/
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How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?

You pull down its genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqr0u/how_do_you_tell_a_male_chromosome_from_a_female/
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Give me an example of a genius:

The man who put the 'b' in subtle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqpkn/give_me_an_example_of_a_genius/
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Last night I stumbled across some Medusa porn

I got rock hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqolb/last_night_i_stumbled_across_some_medusa_porn/
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[Long]Two men sitting at a bar, one asks the other "Do you want to hear a blonde joke"?

The other guy says "Yeah sure, I could do with a laugh".
The first guy is just about to start when he is tapped on the shoulder, and turns round to see three bulked up blondes. The one who tapped him on the shoulder says to him :
"I am the worlds premier female bodybuilder, and a blonde. My two friends are world champions at kickboxing and Judo respectively - they are both blondes. Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke in this company?"
The guy says "Not if i have to explain it three times".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqmte/longtwo_men_sitting_at_a_bar_one_asks_the_other/
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Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's

Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqmjj/doctor_you_have_cancer_and_alzheimers/
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Mom I got a boyfriend!

Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.
Mom: But he could be your father!
Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That's not what I was talking about...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqkx7/mom_i_got_a_boyfriend/
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqjov/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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No Sex Tonight !

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?". Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, NO SEX TONIGHT either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqjm9/no_sex_tonight/
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How do you tell apart a girl ant and a boy ant?

the girl ant will sink
^the ^boy ^ant ^will ^float

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqhih/how_do_you_tell_apart_a_girl_ant_and_a_boy_ant/
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Happiness is like peeing your pants

Everyone else can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqh36/happiness_is_like_peeing_your_pants/
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Last year, 7th grade students were forced to clean the entire school.

This year, the principal said, "Last year, the 7th grade student did the cleaning. This year, let the 8th grade students do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rqb5g/last_year_7th_grade_students_were_forced_to_clean/
%
When is it ever ok to punch a midget?

When he tells you your girl's hair smells nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rq96a/when_is_it_ever_ok_to_punch_a_midget/
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My parents are celebrating 27 years of marriage

I asked my dad how it felt, and he replied "It's felt like five minutes.... underwater"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rq94z/my_parents_are_celebrating_27_years_of_marriage/
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Leviticus

One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, "Next week, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying and to help you understand it better I would like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28 before next week."
The following shabbes, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked his congregation, "How many of you have read Leviticus 28?" Every hand went up.
Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, "Leviticus has only 27 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rq88q/leviticus/
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Why doesn't the middle east teach drivers education and sex education on the same day?

Because the goat gets tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rq7pb/why_doesnt_the_middle_east_teach_drivers/
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Selling peaches.

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a
door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer
negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her
the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they
as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they
nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as
fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood
got my soybeans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think
I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rq6rn/selling_peaches/
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I used to be so popular in school I would have a new best friend every year..

..until I got to high school and they let everyone pick where they sat in class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rq5fr/i_used_to_be_so_popular_in_school_i_would_have_a/
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A Jew is being held in prison in the Soviet Union for trying to emigrate to Israel

The Jew was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him, "Why are you wasting your time studying that language? You know you'll die here."
The Jew replied, "It is said that Hebrew is the language spoken in Heaven."
The Guard asked, "What if you go to hell?"
To which the Jew said, "Well, I already know Russian..."
*joke not meant to disparage Russians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rq54s/a_jew_is_being_held_in_prison_in_the_soviet_union/
%
During a job interview yesterday, I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.
"No," I said. "I always give 110%"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rq36a/during_a_job_interview_yesterday_i_poured_some/
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In an attempt to help the less fortunate, I want to start a charity where people can donate their lightly used weaponry, whether they be guns, knives, tanks, etc so that the poor and disabled can have a sense of security while living on the streets at an affordable price

It could be called the Goodkill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rq1yd/in_an_attempt_to_help_the_less_fortunate_i_want/
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NSFW I held up a brothel last night...

I told them to give me all their fuckin money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rq1ob/nsfw_i_held_up_a_brothel_last_night/
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Jesus arrives at the last supper...

...he walks in and sees a mad party - alcohol, hookers, tables bending under the weight of the food and music thumping. He asks Peter: "what the fuck, Pete?! This was supposed to be a humble going-away dinner; where did you get the cash for all this?!" Peter replies: "I don't know; Judas sold something."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rpy0v/jesus_arrives_at_the_last_supper/
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Today I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

She turned around, cried, and hugged me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rpwu7/today_i_told_my_wife_to_embrace_her_mistakes/
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If I had a dollar for every gender

I would have two dollars and a lot of monopoly money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rppw3/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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Experts from different fields were asked the question: "What is 2+2?"

**Engineer**: Between 3.9 and 4.1, but let's make it 5 just to be safe.
**Physicist**: 10.
**Mathematician**: I don't know, but I can prove it converges.
**Chemist**: Realistic yield is less than 0.5.
**Logician**: 2+2
**Philosopher**: The real question is *why* is 2+2?
**Also Philosopher**: That will be 4.00. Would you like fries with that?
**Statistician**: Between 3.998 and 4.005, but only 99.7% of the time. In North America.
**Biologist**: 2+2+2+2+2+2, but realistically few will survive the predatory 7 (which ate 9).
**Psychologist**: Why do you think you are so fixated on asking so many different people?
**Environmental Scientist**: [This joke has been defunded]
**Programmer**: "error: dereferencing pointer to incomplete type"
**Sysadmin**: oh sweet fancy moses what happened now
**Stockbroker**: If it ever goes above 10, we'll be rich!
**Confused Undergrad**: Low Batt.
**Geologist**: [This joke is currently too drunk to function]
**Politician**: If you vote for me, I promise to change 2+2 to equal lower taxes!
**Astronomer**: According to the latest Hubble data, 4E0. But it may have several moons.
**Astrologer**: You will meet a tall handsome stranger who will tell you the answer.
**Hipster**: it's a really obscure number. You probably never heard of it.
**Upper Management**: Doesn't matter, we aren't going over 1. Let's try to keep it under 0.5.
**Nutritionist**: You shouldn't be putting those problems into your body.
**Doctor**: (consults your chart) Between 3.5 and 4.5 is healthy, but if it ever drops below 3.5, you should come in for more tests. Also, try to eat more vegetables.
**Cable News Anchor**: What is 2+2? let's debate it with our panel of shrieking experts.
**Accountant**: (shuts and locks door, draws curtains, sits down next to you) (whispering) ...what do you want it to be?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rpmjd/experts_from_different_fields_were_asked_the/
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If I had a dollar for every gender...

I'd have $1.70 because women make less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rploh/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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What's the greatest thing about Switzerland?

Not sure, but the flag's a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rpllv/whats_the_greatest_thing_about_switzerland/
%
A magician was driving down a street...

...and suddenly, he turned into a driveway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rpkyt/a_magician_was_driving_down_a_street/
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How did the mathematician solve his problem of constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil...
...a #2 pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rpkpw/how_did_the_mathematician_solve_his_problem_of/
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What's the most common comment on /r/jokes?

Repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rpfot/whats_the_most_common_comment_on_rjokes/
%
What do you call a fake sign

An imposter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rpcpf/what_do_you_call_a_fake_sign/
%
Which rapper is the most acceptable to Muslims?

Halal Cool J

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rpbol/which_rapper_is_the_most_acceptable_to_muslims/
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A Catholic priest is on vacation so a substitute priest from another parish hears confession.

A young woman comes into the confessional box and says:
*"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I lied and also missed the Sunday Mass two times."*
The father answers:
*"Pray three Hail Marys and it should be forgiven."*
The woman proceeds:
*"I also gave a blowjob to a man I'm not married to."*
The father never had this situation so he walks out of the confessional box to ask the altar boys:
*"What does the father here usually give for a blowjob?"*
One of the altar boys answers:
*"Usually two snickers and a chocolate bar."*
(Translated from German, I hope it's accurate.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rpbbt/a_catholic_priest_is_on_vacation_so_a_substitute/
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I like my women how I like my coffee.

I’ve never had coffee but it smells really nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rp27a/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is counting down while Newton and Pascal are trying to hide. Pascal jumps into the bushes and Newton walks a few steps, picks up a stick, draws a square on the ground and just stands there. Einstein turns around and instantly spots Newton.
- Found you Newton, you lose!
- Now wait a minute good sir, can't you see what I drew below me? I am a Newton on a square meter so technically you found Pascal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rp14y/isaac_newton_albert_einstein_and_blaise_pascal/
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How come ants don't get sick?

...because they have lil' anty-bodies
*runs away*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6roxq1/how_come_ants_dont_get_sick/
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My wife made me promise to stop making stupid jokes

So I got a vasectomy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rorvw/my_wife_made_me_promise_to_stop_making_stupid/
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Drunk guy sat at a bar

, is on his 15+ beer of the evening when he notices 3 newcomers enter the pub and sit at the bar next to him.
"Hey, wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?" he asks the nearest one.
The newcomer turns to face him and for the first time he see it's a lady with blonde hair.
"I am a high ranking detective with the FBI that has single handedly solved hundreds of cases and I happen to be blonde." She replies.
Pointing to her companion on her left, "My friend here is also blonde and happens to be a world renowned biochemist, who has found the cure for 9 different types of cancer."
Pointing to her far left, "And this young lady, who is also blonde, is an eight level dan in Jujitsu and has competed in the women's UFC for the last 3 years."
She looks back at the drunk guy, "Do you really wanna tell me this dumb blonde joke?"
Thinking about it for a second the man responds, "Nah, not if I have to explain it 3 times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rorp0/drunk_guy_sat_at_a_bar/
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Two gay men walk into a travel agent's office...

As they were flipping through the brochures, one suddenly says, "Hey, how about Greece this time?"
The other looks up confused and says, "Why, what's wrong with the Vaseline?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ropue/two_gay_men_walk_into_a_travel_agents_office/
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What do you call a necrophelic gang-bang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rom9q/what_do_you_call_a_necrophelic_gangbang/
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Do you want to hear a joke about North Korea?

[censored]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6roktu/do_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_north_korea/
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I asked Dumbo what career options he would pursue, when the circus shut down, and if he would consider interesting opportunities

He said, "I don't know, but I'm all ears"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rojt0/i_asked_dumbo_what_career_options_he_would_pursue/
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Politicians should start every speech by farting into the microphone.

If they're going to talk out their ass, the could at least be honest about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rof29/politicians_should_start_every_speech_by_farting/
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Two goldfish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says, "Know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6roc3n/two_goldfish_in_a_tank/
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Where'd Mark go?

POLO!
#dadjokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rob2q/whered_mark_go/
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If there's anything my wife has taught me about being sexist,

It's probably wrong because she's a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ro9oc/if_theres_anything_my_wife_has_taught_me_about/
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In WW I, US soldiers could be court martialed for contracting gonorrhoea.

That's why they call it a "dishonorable discharge".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ro73v/in_ww_i_us_soldiers_could_be_court_martialed_for/
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A biker walks into a bar

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rnzay/a_biker_walks_into_a_bar/
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I became a proud dad today..

my son is actually 4 but he was a boring little cunt for the first 3 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rnxw5/i_became_a_proud_dad_today/
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What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

Hot, cross bunnies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rnxoe/what_do_you_get_when_you_pour_boiling_water_down/
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A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That is true in every country, son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rnwo8/a_young_son_asked_is_it_true_dad_that_in_some/
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Don't let your kids watch symphony

They have too much sax and violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rnv33/dont_let_your_kids_watch_symphony/
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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rnutf/i_went_to_a_restaurant_that_serves_breakfast_at/
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An old woman stopped me and asked

"Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rntqe/an_old_woman_stopped_me_and_asked/
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I was so ugly as a baby

when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rntem/i_was_so_ugly_as_a_baby/
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What's the difference between an astronaut and a deep sea diver?

The pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rnt9z/whats_the_difference_between_an_astronaut_and_a/
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How deep is a frog pond?

Knee deep
Knee deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rnpbk/how_deep_is_a_frog_pond/
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What does a frog in a library say?

Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rnopl/what_does_a_frog_in_a_library_say/
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Last words

A man and his friend were driving down the road when suddenly a truck ran a red light. "Oh fuck!" he yelled, as the truck slammed into their car on his side.
Unfortunately, the man was very badly injured. As he sat there dying, he gasped "love".
Confused, his friend said "love what? Do you need me to tell someone you love them?"
"No," wheezed the man with his final breath, "I just... didn't want... my last word... to be 'fuck.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rnkeh/last_words/
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Today, I got pulled over by a female cop.

I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong.
She said "NOTHING!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rnhyy/today_i_got_pulled_over_by_a_female_cop/
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Ever wonder why they don't include the cause of death in an obituary?

It's because they want you to show up and ask how they died in person. Why do you think they include the service times?
*This is a joke. Please do not disturb a family who had a loved one pass away.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rnhye/ever_wonder_why_they_dont_include_the_cause_of/
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You know what happens if you get a bladder infection?

Urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rngd9/you_know_what_happens_if_you_get_a_bladder/
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What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?

The Head Nurse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rng83/what_do_you_call_a_nurse_with_dirty_knees/
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John goes to the gas station

and asks the owner: What does a drop of gas cost? The owner answers that he could get a drop for free. So John goes on to say: Well then, I would like to have a tank full of drops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rndf5/john_goes_to_the_gas_station/
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A man walks into a zoo

But to his surprise, there is only one animal there, a dog.
It's a shit zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rn5vk/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo/
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Hillary Clinton was being driven in a private limo to a rally...

when suddenly, the car hit a large and old-looking cow.
The driver got out and checked to see if it was dead. After confirming the death, he saw the tag on it that said it belonged to a nearby farm. He told Hillary Clinton that he would be going over to the farm to tell the farmers what happened.
About an hour later, he returned. His clothes were messed up, he was covered in lipstick, he had an expensive cigar in his mouth, and in both hands were two full bottles of the most expensive champagne ever.
"What happened?", Hillary asked.
"When I went to the farm, they eagerly invited me in. Then, the husband gave me this cigar, the wife gave me the wine, and their two daughters gave me the best sex of my life!", the driver said with a huge smile on his face.
"What did you say to them?", Hillary asked.
"I said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I just killed the old cow', and the rest happened so quickly I couldn't do anything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rn06q/hillary_clinton_was_being_driven_in_a_private/
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Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict

Must be a tough pill for him to swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rmvzd/martin_shkrelis_guilty_verdict/
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat......

As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rmu3p/a_man_boarded_an_airplane_and_took_his_seat/
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What did the bodybuilder shout when he found out he was out of protein?

No whey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rmsny/what_did_the_bodybuilder_shout_when_he_found_out/
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Do necrophiliacs like anal?

Butt of corpse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rmrsg/do_necrophiliacs_like_anal/
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Whats the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

You should stop milking the cow after 15 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rmrh1/whats_the_difference_between_911_and_a_cow/
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Courtesy of my 6-year-old: How does a coffee mug fight off dementors?

Espresso patronum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rmpy7/courtesy_of_my_6yearold_how_does_a_coffee_mug/
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Where do all the recycled websites go?

Dot Compost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rmp9k/where_do_all_the_recycled_websites_go/
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The toothbrush was invented in Huntsville, Alabama...

Otherwise it would have been called "the teethbrush."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rmp73/the_toothbrush_was_invented_in_huntsville_alabama/
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Verizon made a new minimum security prison and despite what many would believe its very successful.

its got no bars but you still cant get out of it for 2 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rmnsa/verizon_made_a_new_minimum_security_prison_and/
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Today I met this amazing girl. She was kind, caring, loving. She was like the female Jesus...

...which explains why I wanna nail her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rmktk/today_i_met_this_amazing_girl_she_was_kind_caring/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rmjam/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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What did the Klingon say to the flight attendant?

Today is a good day to fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rmj0h/what_did_the_klingon_say_to_the_flight_attendant/
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Alabama Wedding

Deep in the heart of Alabama, a son arrives to his father's house with exciting news.
"Paw, I met the best girl in the world, and we're about to get married!"
The father seems excited, and urges his son to describe her.
"Well, she's quick as a whip, funny as a bone, most gorgeous girl south of dixie," and after every description, the father hollers his approval.
"And best of all... she's a virgin!"
At the last statement, the father's excitement disappears. The son looks confused, and asks him what's the matter. The father shouts back,
"If she ain't good enough for her family, what makes you think she's good enough for ours?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rmb2v/alabama_wedding/
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I saw a new color in a dream last night.

I think it was just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rm9ql/i_saw_a_new_color_in_a_dream_last_night/
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TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than mount Everest

Kinda obvious. Considering mount Everest can't fly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rm9ap/til_bumblebees_can_fly_higher_than_mount_everest/
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Little Stump was a very, very sad boy...

Because he had no arms and no legs.
But his friends always tried to cheer him up and bring him along on their trips. One day, they decided to go to the beach and invite Little Stump.
"No, I better not, I'll be a burden!" Little Stump reluctantly replied.
"Common, you've never been to the beach, it will be fun!" His friends insisted.
Little Stump finally accepted the invitation. Arriving there, his friends dropped him on the shallow waters where he stayed enjoying himself. Eventually his friends got distracted while the tide began to rise. As Little Stump noticed he was being dragged to the sea, he started screaming.
"Help! Help! I'm over here!" He shouted from the bottom of his lungs.
While his friends were too busy to notice, one drunk homeless guy that was stumbling around heard the cries for help and heroically started to swim to Stump's direction.
"Oh, thank you sir! I thought I was a goner!" The relieved Little Stump said to the man as the man approached.
Indifferent to Stump's words, the drunk guy grabbed the boy with the palms of his hands, rose him above his head and, with all his strength, threw him deeper into the sea.
"What the hell are you doing sir?!?" The distraught Little Stump yelled.
"Go, little turtle. Go home, you're safe." The man whispered to himself, with teary eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rm8hr/little_stump_was_a_very_very_sad_boy/
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My grandfather advised me to invest my money in bonds

So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rm8at/my_grandfather_advised_me_to_invest_my_money_in/
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If your truck has truck nuts, where is your truck's dick?

Oh, right. Behind the wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rm7d4/if_your_truck_has_truck_nuts_where_is_your_trucks/
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Mitch Hedberg Joke - Escalators

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs.  There would never be an 'escalator temporarily out of order' sign, only 'escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"
-Mitch Hedberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rm5cs/mitch_hedberg_joke_escalators/
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My physics teacher told me I had potential.

Then he pushed me off the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rm4q4/my_physics_teacher_told_me_i_had_potential/
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Vacationing Penguin

A penguin goes on holiday and is driving through London when he notices the oil pressure light is on.
He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the engine. He quickly gets the car to the nearest garage.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a waddle round town and being a penguin in London, figures something cold would really hit the spot.
He buys a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and finds a place to sit and eat. Not having any hands he makes a right mess trying to eat using his little flippers.
After finishing the ice cream he goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up and says........
"It looks like you blew a seal"
"No, no" the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rm45c/vacationing_penguin/
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Captains Pants (one of my favorites)

One day, a scout on a small ship sees another equally sized ship on the horizon.
He tells the captain that the ship looks hostile, so the captain orders everyone on board to ready the cannons.
He then tells the scout to bring him his red shirt so that way his blood will not show and the men on board will continue to fight and not be afraid if he was injured.
After a long and weary battle, the day is won.
The very next day, 10 ships appear on the horizon, and the scout tells the captain.
The entire crew waits to here what he has to say.
Staring at the approaching ships the captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rm2km/captains_pants_one_of_my_favorites/
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My favorite Banking joke

One day a frog goes to the bank. You see he has this great idea for a company, and despite being from quite the wealthy family, he wants to get the loan himself. Something to prove himself and his worth, you know? So he steps on in to the bank and visits the loan officer, a Miss Paddywhack.
So he takes a seat with her and she asks "So frog, you want a loan?" and the frog says "Please, i prefer Mr. Jagger, instead of frog". Miss Paddywhack rolls her eyes and says "Fine, so you want a loan, well you credit is not quite good enough on merit alone, we need some collateral of some sort."
Mr. Jagger the frog nods with fervor, for he had anticipated this and sets a strange object on the counter, while it appears to be made of gold, it does not resemble anything! So Miss paddywhack asks "What is this" and Mr. Jagger replies "Collateral, trust me, it is worth it's weight in gold!". Miss Paddywhack looks uncertain but, she really wants to get the frog what he wants.
So she goes to her manager and calls him in. When all three are in the room Miss Paddywhack points at the collateral and says "What is that? And what do you think?"....Well the manager looks over at her and says...
"That's a knickknack miss paddywhack, give this frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rm1l9/my_favorite_banking_joke/
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The story of Mr. Bean vs. Einstein

Einstein: I will give you a question, and you will give a question to me as well.  If you can't answer my question, you will give me $1, and if I can't answer your question, I will give you $1000.
Mr. Bean: OK
Einstein: (gives Mr. Bean a hard question)
Mr. Bean: (gives Einstein a dollar)
Einstein: Okay, your turn.
Mr. Bean: What is the animal that has 4 legs, and when he crosses a street has only 2 legs, and when he goes back, he has 5 legs.
Einstein: (thinking very long) I give up.  I can't answer that.  (Einstein gives Mr. Bean $1000)
Einstein: But what animal is that, Mr. Bean?
Mr. Bean: (gives $1 to Einstein)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rm0tj/the_story_of_mr_bean_vs_einstein/
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Never trust stairs

They're always up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rm02y/never_trust_stairs/
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An army man and a mop

There was an army soldier named Bob. He had just lost his gun and was deathly afraid to tell the general. He gathered his courage and went up to him and said "Sir, I've lost my rifle, so I need a new one".
The general takes a mop from the corner and gives it to Bob.
"What the hell am I supposed to do with this?" he asked.
"Point it at the enemy and say BANGETY BANG BANG, BANGETY BANG BANG!!!"
"Well what if they get to close?", the man questioned
"Tap people with it yelling STABETY STAB STAB, STABETY STAB STAB!!"
Bob went out into the battlefield and reluctantly pointed the mop saying "BANGETY BANG BANG!" and to his surprise the men started falling down dead. They started getting up close, so the man yelled "STABETY STAB STAB!" and they fell down dead. Now there was one man coming down. Bob fired his mop at the man, but nothing happened. The man got closer so Bob started stabbing him with the mop. The man completely ran over and crushed Bob. Bob was confused until he heard in the distance "TANKETY TANK TANK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rm00y/an_army_man_and_a_mop/
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What's black and white and red all over?

Interracial period sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rlylo/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
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What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rluis/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
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[Long] A man goes to prison.

As he sits on his cot wondering how to pass the time, he hears an inmate down the hall shout "59" followed by groans from the other inmates.
He thought that was odd, but then someone else timidly calls out "43", followed by more groaning.
"What's going on?" he asks his cellmate.
"Well," the man says, "we've all heard the same jokes repeated so many times, we've given them each a number to make telling them a bit easier. Problem is, they've become even more repeated and stale over time, so all attempts are pretty much met with the responses you heard. It's so sad, too. 43 was a classic."
The man thinks about this for a second, and then smiles. He goes to the cell door, and confidently shouts out "4E".
Instantly the prison floor is filled with shouts of laughter that echo off the walls, and the man looks to see his cellmate rolling on the floor in tears.
"I guess you liked it, then?" the man said.
"Liked it? Boy, we've heard that joke told countless times over the years, but we've never seen anything like that twist at the end!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rlqd2/long_a_man_goes_to_prison/
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Best Joke in the history of jokes, maybe ever

2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?".
The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead."
The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead before anything"
A loud shot is heard. The guy then says "Ok, what do I do next"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rlpgv/best_joke_in_the_history_of_jokes_maybe_ever/
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An old woman is visiting the doctor

"Where exactly in the body is the heart?" she asks.
"About 2 cm under the nipples." the doctor answers.
Headline of the newspaper on the next day:
"Woman tried to commit suicide. Shot herself in the knee instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rlof6/an_old_woman_is_visiting_the_doctor/
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The hooker who whistles while sucking [NSFW]

So this guy heard from his friends about a hooker who whistles while sucking. Intrigued, he decided to hire her services.
As to her request, he first talked to her on the phone. He asked: "is it true that you suck and whistle at the same time?".
"It's true alright", replies the hooker. "But the lights have to be off the whole time. I'll have to enter the room and leave it in full darkness". The guy agreed.
A few minutes before the agreed-upon time, he entered the room and dropped down his pants and underwear, and then turned off the lights and waited by the door. When the time has come, the door was opened, for a very short time, and only part of the way, so the man could only see that someone walked in, but barely saw any details.
He then heard a beautiful musical whistle coming from near his waist, and in the time, felt his dick being sucked expertly. It felt amazing, but a few minutes into that, his curiosity got the best of him and he found the light switch and turned the light on.
It was then that he saw, that the hooker only has one eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rlo3h/the_hooker_who_whistles_while_sucking_nsfw/
%
I bought a house from a Native Indian and asked if it came with running water

He seemed mad and told me to get my own damn wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rln22/i_bought_a_house_from_a_native_indian_and_asked/
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"SON, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," My dad told Me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rllbg/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
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A child asked

his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rlktd/a_child_asked/
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I froze myself to -273.1°C

..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rlhw3/i_froze_myself_to_2731c/
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Did you hear about the German man that challenged himself to eat only sausages for a year?

He said it was the wurst diet ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rlheo/did_you_hear_about_the_german_man_that_challenged/
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goes to school

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rlgn1/goes_to_school/
%
Why did the woman blush when she opened her refrigerator?

Because she saw the salad dressing.
I had never heard this until today. Made me chuckle a bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rlf95/why_did_the_woman_blush_when_she_opened_her/
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Three doctors are sitting on a park bench when a man limps past...

The first doctor sees him and says, “I’ve been a podiatrist for 10 years, and I bet $1000 that man has bone spurs.”
“No way!” says the chiropractor, “I’ve had my practice for 20 years and that is a clear-cut spinal issue. Can’t you see how crooked his back is?”
“Nope,” says the orthopedic surgeon. “I’ve had more training than both of you combined and I’m certain that this man has hip damage.”
The doctor’s arguing grew so loud that the man overheard them. “Well gentlemen,” he said, “All four of us were wrong.”
“I thought it was a fart!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rlegy/three_doctors_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench_when_a/
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An old Soviet joke..

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rlecc/an_old_soviet_joke/
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A little girl

and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rle31/a_little_girl/
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What do you call an unborn rabbit?

An ingrown hare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rlbbd/what_do_you_call_an_unborn_rabbit/
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A sperm was undergoing training for conception

His instructor said, 'When the siren goes off, rush out the tunnel and swim until you find a red sticky ball. Address the ball and say "I'm a sperm" to which the ball will reply "I'm the egg". You will then work together to form the embryo. Do you understand?'
The sperm nodded. Days later, the sperm was sleeping when he heard the siren. He was the first one out of the tunnel and the first to reach the sticky red ball. He was millimeters ahead of all his comrades. He bowed courteously and said: "I'm a sperm".
The red sticky ball smiled and said: "Hi, I'm the tonsil"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rlaqf/a_sperm_was_undergoing_training_for_conception/
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I, for one

like Roman numerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rl64f/i_for_one/
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Today, I invented a new word.

"plagiarism"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rl5qk/today_i_invented_a_new_word/
%
If prisoners could take their own mugshots...

They'd be called CELLFIES
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rl45a/if_prisoners_could_take_their_own_mugshots/
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A gay man walks into a gay bar and asks...

"Whose dick do I need to suck to suck a dick around here?"
Heard from Arin Hanson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rl42o/a_gay_man_walks_into_a_gay_bar_and_asks/
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Did you hear about the gay Pirate?

He took it up the arrrrs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkyc0/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_pirate/
%
What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They're huge metal fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkxhc/what_kind_of_music_do_wind_turbines_like/
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My girlfriend loves me so much

She bought my dog a box of chocolates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkt54/my_girlfriend_loves_me_so_much/
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Dyslexic procrastinators, it's time to get together and rise up

Get on your work boots and untie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkpz9/dyslexic_procrastinators_its_time_to_get_together/
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I accidentally dropped my phone from the 4th floor

Luckily it did not break because it was on airplane mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkpuu/i_accidentally_dropped_my_phone_from_the_4th_floor/
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You know what really grinds my gears?

That pervert who sneaks in my gear shop at night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkl6y/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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I added Paul Walker on Xbox Live

But all he does is sit on the dashboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkkb1/i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox_live/
%
A rich guy and a poor guy are sitting in a doctor's office waiting room

While they wait they start having a chat, and the rich guy brings up the presents that he bought his wife last month for Christmas. "I got her a brand new sparkling diamond ring and a new BMW" he says proudly. "Wow, two nice gifts" the poor guy responds. The rich guy explains "well, I bought her the diamond ring to wear when we go out to parties and dining, and I bought her the BMW so that if she didn't like the diamond ring she can drive back to the jewelry store and buy whatever she wants."
"Not too shabby" the poor guys responds. "How about you?" The rich guy asks. "What did you buy your wife for Christmas?"
"Well" the poor guys says "I bought my wife a bath robe and a dildo."
"Oh" The rich guys responds, a little confused. The poor guy continues "See, I bought her the bath robe so she can wear it around the house, and I bought her the dildo so that if she doesn't like the bath robe she can go fuck herself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkjw9/a_rich_guy_and_a_poor_guy_are_sitting_in_a/
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I went to a bar last night and I was a bit disappointed that the 2 bartenders didn't greet me.

I guess my expectations were two hi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkjin/i_went_to_a_bar_last_night_and_i_was_a_bit/
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TIL frogs die during sex

The one I fucked definatley isn't getting back up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkgx5/til_frogs_die_during_sex/
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What do you call a Batman that skips church?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkgql/what_do_you_call_a_batman_that_skips_church/
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My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married…

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkgne/my_wifes_locked_herself_in_the_kitchen_after_we/
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What does Congress do when they lose a game of CSGO?

They blame the Russians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkf8o/what_does_congress_do_when_they_lose_a_game_of/
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Do you want to hear a joke about China?

[censored]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkf3g/do_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_china/
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A man and his Parrot

A man is looking through a pet store and sees a parrot for dirt cheap, he thinks to himself, "eh, what the hell, I'll buy it."  He gets it home and setup in a nice comfy cage and the first thing the bird says "Fuck you chump."  the man is aghast but lets it go.  A few minutes later the bird is at it again.  "Fuck you" it says, over and over for the next twenty minutes.  The man is at the end of his rope, but suddenly there is a knock at his door.  He checks the peephole and it's his pastor come over for a chat.
Not knowing what to do he puts the parrot in the freezer.  After his pastor left, the man freaks out remembering he put that bird in the freezer and rushes to him.  He pulls out the parrot, it's a little worse for wear but doing okay.  To the mans suprise the parrot looks at him and says "Look bud, I'll cool it on the swearing, but I've just got one question.  What the hell did the turkey say?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkd8b/a_man_and_his_parrot/
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A Canadian man, an American and a Chinese man are stranded on a desert island...

The Canadian tells the others that he will be in charge of food. American volunteers to be in charge of water and the Chinese man says he will be in charge of supplies. They split up to do their jobs and decide to meet up later. When the Canadian and the American return, there is no sign of the Chinese man. Days pass by, but they still can't find their friend. One day as they are walking along a path, the Chinese man jumps from the bushes and yells "SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rkcf1/a_canadian_man_an_american_and_a_chinese_man_are/
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Parrot with No Legs

A man and his wife are in a pet store to purchase their first pet. Unfortunately, she has her eyes on a very expensive Blue Macaw that costs several thousand dollars. In a cage next to it is a smaller, rough looking parrot. The parrot looks at the man and whispers :
"Hey buddy, you should buy me instead of that other parrot, I'm way less expensive!"
The man then asks the parrot why he is so much less expensive, and the parrot says "well I haven't got any legs."
The man says "how do you stay on your perch without any legs?"
The parrot replies "easy, I just wrap my cock around the perch!"
The man convinces his wife to buy the poor leg-less parrot, because nobody else would want him. Things are going well until one day the man comes home from work and the parrot says: "hey buddy, I think your wife is having an affair!"
The man asks the parrot what happened and the parrot says "well after you went to work a man came over"
"Then what happened?" Asks the man
"Well they sat on the couch and started making out"
"Then what happened?" Asks the man, getting angrier
"Well then he took off her shirt and started fondling her breasts" says the parrot.
"THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" Says the man, irate at this point
The parrot looks at the man and says "I don't know, I fell off my perch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rk714/parrot_with_no_legs/
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A husband calls up the hotel manager from his room

Please come fast, I am having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump from your hotel window.
Manager : Sir, I am sorry, but this is a personal issue. We can't help you here.
Husband : Not true, you can. The window is not opening, this is a maintenance issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rk4ou/a_husband_calls_up_the_hotel_manager_from_his_room/
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In the Army

Sergeant: "Private Ryan, I didn't see you at camouflage training yesterday!
Private: "Thank you, sergeant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rk2i3/in_the_army/
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In case your parachute does not open

You have a lifetime ahead of you to fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rk1s2/in_case_your_parachute_does_not_open/
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North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary…

Because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rjxkj/north_korea_now_has_a_missile_that_can_hit_new/
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I was in a crash with a smart car today. The smart car was totaled.

My bike was fine, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rju3n/i_was_in_a_crash_with_a_smart_car_today_the_smart/
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What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rjsks/what_is_the_definition_of_trust/
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Stevie Wonder is in China for a concert...

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...".
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really peed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -
"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it"..
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............
"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rjryf/stevie_wonder_is_in_china_for_a_concert/
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After seeing the Anti-Smoking campaign, I don't smoke anymore.

But I don't smoke any less, either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rjrhz/after_seeing_the_antismoking_campaign_i_dont/
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What do actors do when they make a mistake?

They react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rjncz/what_do_actors_do_when_they_make_a_mistake/
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Three friends: Nobody,Somebody and Mad used to live happily together

Once, Nobody and Somebody had a huge argument and in a fit of rage Somebody  killed Nobody .
Horrified, Mad decided to call the cops.
Mad: Hello cops? Somebody just murdered Nobody! You need to come over quick!
Cop: What?
Mad: Somebody killed Nobody!
Cop: Sir, are you mad?
Mad: Yes sir! How did you know that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rjlny/three_friends_nobodysomebody_and_mad_used_to_live/
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What's the difference between a priest and a dog?

One wears pants and a collar... the other wears a collar and pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rjeym/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_dog/
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What do vaginas and the mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rjexy/what_do_vaginas_and_the_mafia_have_in_common/
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Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rje2p/where_do_animals_go_when_their_tails_fall_off/
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Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rj7tm/obama_smoked_weed_growing_up_and_now_look_where/
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Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus

Everybody on it is a prick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rj5s3/apparently_trumps_family_tree_looks_like_a_cactus/
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Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.
He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic.
Cook: In that case sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rj5l4/every_cook_has_a_secret/
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Why can’t early access developers ever have children?

They can never finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rizv6/why_cant_early_access_developers_ever_have/
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Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.
The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rizht/horrible_joke/
%
What's it called when bros before hoes is balanced with hoes before bros?

Homie-hoe-stasis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ritp8/whats_it_called_when_bros_before_hoes_is_balanced/
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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American." says Kristen
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry.
"That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ritks/a_first_grade_teacher_explains_to_her_class_that/
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To those people who tailgate me when I'm going 90 in a 30 zone...

...clearly I have a place to be, so get off my ass. Also, those red and blue flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6risqt/to_those_people_who_tailgate_me_when_im_going_90/
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Is she a virgin?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself Shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel. Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, Doc?" The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other testicle blue. Then if she says, 'That’s the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen', you hit her with the shovel"..  <edited out the really unnecessary caps :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rir7e/is_she_a_virgin/
%
The creation of woman.

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6riqaj/the_creation_of_woman/
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Visits to a hypnotist.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ripra/visits_to_a_hypnotist/
%
Marriage is like a hurricane

It starts off with all the sucking and blowing... And then you lose your house!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rin6b/marriage_is_like_a_hurricane/
%
3 Foot Condom

A Dwarf goes into a chemist and asks if the 3 foot display condom was for sale?
The owners says "Yes but its not cheap, i'd want £500 for it."
"I'll take it" says the dwarf.
After paying for it the dwarf pulls it over head and down to his shoes and asks the shop owner what he thinks he looks like?
The owner replies "to be honest you look like a massive cock."
"Excellent." replies the dwarf, "i'm pissed off with being called a little cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rimaf/3_foot_condom/
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I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant

Because the customer is always right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6riklx/i_didnt_go_to_college_but_if_i_did_i_would_have/
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Australian sitting in a cafe, drinking coffee, eating bun with jam

American comes to cafe,sits down to the Australian and while chewing his gum asks:
"Do you, the Australians, eat all the slice of bread?"
"Of course", Australian response.
Smiling American blows gum bubble and says:
"We do not. In America, we eat only a soft portion of the bread, we collect the crust, send it to the factory, then we grind it and make buns,which we export to Australia.Maybe you eat jam with bread?"
"Yes", the Australian says angrily.
"And we are not. We only ate fresh fruit. We remove seeds, bark and other residues, send it to the factory, grind it there, make a jam from it, which we export to Australia."
Australians then ask the Americans:
"Are you Americans have sex?"
American smile:
"Of course yes."
Australian approaches American and quietly asks:
"What do you do with the used condoms?"
"We're throwing it out", -the American answers.
Then Australian smiles:
"We do not. In Australia, we collect all consumed ones,send to the factory, there we grind it and from them we make chewing gum, which we export to America."
sorry for bad English :/ not my language,tried my best to write this :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rik8o/australian_sitting_in_a_cafe_drinking_coffee/
%
I once knew a Mathematics Professor...

She was a cute, sexy teacher. I called her Miss Cosnπ and man, did she have curves!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rijmv/i_once_knew_a_mathematics_professor/
%
A construction worker, a Native American, and a soldier are standing on top of a hill

...and as they look down, they see a small village at the bottom of the hill.
The construction worker throws a hammer from the top of the hill, then goes down the hill into the village, where he sees a little boy crying.
"Why are you crying, little boy?" he asks.
The boy says, "A hammer fell from the sky and killed my dog."
The Native American throws an arrow from the top of the hill, then goes down the hill and sees a little girl crying.
"Why are you crying, little girl? he asks.
The girl says, "An arrow fell from the sky and killed my cat."
Finally, the soldier throws a grenade from the top of the hill, then goes down the hill and sees a little boy laughing.
"Why are you laughing, little boy?" he asks.
The boy replies, "My mom farted and the house blew up."
---
*I know this is an old joke, but it's still one of my favorites and I haven't heard it in years. :)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6riiit/a_construction_worker_a_native_american_and_a/
%
What do you get when you put nutella on salmon?

You get salmonella.
Hahahaha...pew pew pew...haha...*begins sobbing*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rihh5/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_nutella_on_salmon/
%
I saw my dwarf neighbor at the bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off!" He shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued to walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rigyf/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbor_at_the_bus_stop/
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Racecar backwards is still racecar.

But racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6righa/racecar_backwards_is_still_racecar/
%
Man at beach spots another man about to enter the water wearing a shirt emblazoned with " Trump is the greatest President ever". 1st man yells out, "you dont really believe that do you?

2nd man yells back.  "No.  I wear it for safety.  Im about to swim in the ocean and i figure even a shark wouldnt swallow that shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rid6g/man_at_beach_spots_another_man_about_to_enter_the/
%
Why does the buck stop with Trump?

After that, it gets laundered and is untraceable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rid0y/why_does_the_buck_stop_with_trump/
%
Sitting in a bar having a drink with a friend..

I casually pointed at two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said "thats us in ten years"
He said "thats a mirror you dipshit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ric7w/sitting_in_a_bar_having_a_drink_with_a_friend/
%
What is a horse's favorite wine?

Chardoneigh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ric2z/what_is_a_horses_favorite_wine/
%
What's the ugliest shape?

An eyesoresceles triangle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ribsz/whats_the_ugliest_shape/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?

0 potatoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ri8iq/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
%
Did you hear about when Eminem married an Indian woman?

They had a Slim Shaadi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ri7wq/did_you_hear_about_when_eminem_married_an_indian/
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Anal sex is like your first car

You probably don’t want it , but daddy’s going to give it to you anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ri73v/anal_sex_is_like_your_first_car/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ri6xx/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_whos_afraid/
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A kid had sex with his teacher...

So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ri59z/a_kid_had_sex_with_his_teacher/
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Sex is like pizza...

If you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you are doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ri3m1/sex_is_like_pizza/
%
Two men are arguing loudly. A robot approaches and says "May I be of assistance?"

One man turns to it and says *back off pal, this is an organic matter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ri1qh/two_men_are_arguing_loudly_a_robot_approaches_and/
%
What's the difference between flirting and sexual harrasement?

A feminist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rhzi4/whats_the_difference_between_flirting_and_sexual/
%
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rhyn1/an_elderly_husband_and_wife_visit_their_doctor/
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An English cat, a Spanish cat, and a French cat are in a swimming race

The English cat's name is One two three. The Spanish cat's name is Uno dos tres. The French cat's name is Un deux trois.
The English cat came in first, the Spanish cat came in second, but the French cat was nowhere to be found.
The Un deux trois quatre cinq

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rhwmz/an_english_cat_a_spanish_cat_and_a_french_cat_are/
%
I like my women the same as I like my coffee...

Without my friend’s dick in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rhuya/i_like_my_women_the_same_as_i_like_my_coffee/
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Did you hear about the guy with a train station fetish?

He got off on the wrong stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rhrf2/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_a_train_station/
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Why do Indians not like snow?

It is white and settles on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rhhtf/why_do_indians_not_like_snow/
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What did the Buffalo say when his kid went to college?

Bison!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rhgst/what_did_the_buffalo_say_when_his_kid_went_to/
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I used to circumcise elephants for a living...

But the pay was crap and the tips were huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rhfpd/i_used_to_circumcise_elephants_for_a_living/
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People are like cars...

If you hit them in the rear, they get a fended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rhffk/people_are_like_cars/
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My dad is a professional Russian roulette player.

He only lost once.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rhc36/my_dad_is_a_professional_russian_roulette_player/
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Two Farmers are at a Bar

They're both talking about their farms, what they like to do on a day off. One says to the other:
Farmer 1: "We should catch up and race out tractors one time"
Farmer 2: "Well damn first I need to buy a tractor"
Farmer 1: "I'll be darned- you don't have a tractor?"
Farmer 2 "Hell I don't have an education either"
Farmer 1 "Neither do I"
At this point both farmers decide they should pursue some form of education.
Two days later, Farmer 1 goes out to a college and hits up a headmaster with some questions
Farmer: "Well uh, can I please get some education?"
Headmaster "there's more criteria than that, do you know the 4 basic learning areas"
Farmer: "No I do not"
Headmaster: "Well, there's simply Math English Science and Logic"
Farmer: "What in hangdiddly is logic?"
Headmaster: "Its fairly hard to explain... Let me ask you some questions. Are you a farmer?"
F: "Yes"
HM: "so you must have a tractor?"
F: "Yes"
HM: "So you must have a house?"
F: "Yes"
HM: "Therefore you could have a family?"
F: "Yes"
HM: "So you must have a wife?"
F: "Yea"
HM: "So you must have been married!"
F: "Yes"
HM: "So you must be heterosexual!"
F: "Wow sir you really are something special... I best be on my way now."
A few days later, the farmers show back up at the bar
Farmer 1: "I gotta say, you're really missing out on this education gahickey"
Farmer 2: "Well straddle my donkey and call me Ned- what are you learning about?"
Farmer 1: "Math, English, Science and Logic!"
Farmer 2: "What in gods good gobberknacky is logic?"
Farmer 1: "Its hard to explain... let me ask a question- Do you have a tractor?"
Farmer 2: "no I don't"
Farmer 1: "You must be gay!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rhbqd/two_farmers_are_at_a_bar/
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My Dad told me specifically not to touch the keyboard...I pressed Ctrl-B

It was a bold move

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rh8b9/my_dad_told_me_specifically_not_to_touch_the/
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What are coffee shops in Russia called?

Tsarbucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rgzxo/what_are_coffee_shops_in_russia_called/
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At the age of 65 my grandma started walking 5 miles a day.

She's 92 now.  We have no idea where she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rgy1l/at_the_age_of_65_my_grandma_started_walking_5/
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I went to a space museum today but was a bit disappointed...

It was completely empty! Well, except for the black hole on display, but it sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rguuk/i_went_to_a_space_museum_today_but_was_a_bit/
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"How do we get our names?"

There was once a young Native American boy talking to his father.
"How do we get our names, dad?" The boy asked.
"Well, son," the boy's father replied, "after a baby is born we go out of the teepee and name the child after the first thing we see. This is why your great grandfather was Soaring Eagle, your grandfather is Running Elk, and I am Hopping Grasshopper."
The boy nodded, but still looked as though he was confused.
The boy's dad then asks, "Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*cking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rgsni/how_do_we_get_our_names/
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[OC] I'm starting a Deist church.

It's a non-prophet institution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rgq4r/oc_im_starting_a_deist_church/
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A Tasteful 9/11 Joke is Possible!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
9/11.
9/11 Who?
You said you'd never forget!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rgnvj/a_tasteful_911_joke_is_possible/
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My daughter found a new boyfriend.

I'm just glad the police haven't found the old one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rgkkg/my_daughter_found_a_new_boyfriend/
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NSFW Know the difference between jam and jelly?

I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
Thanks to my first boss Jim for this one who I'm sure heard it somewhere else like the family guy episode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rgg0v/nsfw_know_the_difference_between_jam_and_jelly/
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A man walks into a bar in Ancient Rome

The bartender asks him how many bottles of wine he wants and he holds up a peace sign. The bartender brings him five bottles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rgcgk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_in_ancient_rome/
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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rgajp/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
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Why cant you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?

Because they always take things. Literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rg97j/why_cant_you_tell_a_kleptomaniac_a_joke/
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International Boundaries

An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots and French in Canada, and how they intermarried with the Indians. "You'll find," he said "quite a number of Scot & French half-breeds, but you will not find any English half-breeds."
A Scot in the audience shouted, "The Indians have to draw the line somewhere!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rg85a/international_boundaries/
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A roman soldier walks into a bar

and asks for a *martinus*.
“You mean *martini*?”, asks the bartender.
The roman soldier answers “If I wanted two, I would have told you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rg7i1/a_roman_soldier_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a reptile with a belly button and a good sense of direction?

A navelgator
Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rg5bq/what_do_you_call_a_reptile_with_a_belly_button/
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Why do gay people love chess?

The queen is free to do whatever he goddamn pleases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rfzzg/why_do_gay_people_love_chess/
%
My mum always used to tuck me in at night.

I guess she really wanted a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rfzny/my_mum_always_used_to_tuck_me_in_at_night/
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A joke that has been circulating around for a while...

Two blood cells fell in love, but it was all in vein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rfu1p/a_joke_that_has_been_circulating_around_for_a/
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Currency exchange

"A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 5000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with another 5000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rftjk/currency_exchange/
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I think I have a logic fetish...

I keep coming to conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rfrv0/i_think_i_have_a_logic_fetish/
%
Im 60 days clean now.

It's been hard taking a bath every day, but at least I had heroin to help me through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rfqk9/im_60_days_clean_now/
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My friend told me that vegetables can be art

Art? I choked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rfqe6/my_friend_told_me_that_vegetables_can_be_art/
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How government contracts work...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC:One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third, is from
Florida . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well,' he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.' The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.' The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'
The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The New York contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we
hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how government contracting works!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rfp6z/how_government_contracts_work/
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Hillary Clinton would've been the first F president

I would've said female, but she deleted the email.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rfmqh/hillary_clinton_wouldve_been_the_first_f_president/
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The Man and the Leprechaun

A man walks into a public restroom to relieve himself.  The urinal is one of those long trench types without walls to separate people.  The man unzips and assumes the position when in walks a very short red-bearded man wearing a green suit and green bowler hat with a clover in it.  There was no mistaking that this was, in actual fact, a walking, breathing leprechaun.  The wee man steps up not too far from the other guy, whips it out, and starts to urinate.
The first man, observing the unwritten laws of urinal use, stares straight forward; however, he can't help but notice out of the corner of his eye that the leprechaun is incredibly, almost unbelievably, well-endowed - so much so that the man turns and stares in amazement.  The leprechaun looks up at the man, down at his penis, and back up at the man again, and asks, "Would ye fancy havin' one this size, laddie?" The man is shocked and embarrassed, but, can't help replying, "Y-y-yeah! You could grant me that wish?"  The little person says, "Aye! I'm a leprechaun after all! There's just one thing ye hav to do fer me, though.  Ye gotta let me fuck ye in the arse." The man considers it for a moment, cringing at the thought, but reluctantly agrees.
The man drops to his knees on the bathroom floor, pants down, and the leprechaun wastes no time in getting down to business.  In the middle of the action, the leprechaun asks, "What might yer name be, laddie?" The man, groaning and squinting and grimacing manages to squeeze out, "Tiiiimmmmyyy."  The wee man says, "Ah, and how old might ye be, Timmy?" Reluctantly, grunting, Timmy manages to groan, "Thiirrrttyyy."  Timmy could tell the end was near, and just as he was finishing, the wee man says, "Ah, now, don't ye think yer a little old to be believin in leprechauns, Timmy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rfgtv/the_man_and_the_leprechaun/
%
A farmer was at home watching TV when his doorbell rings...

A young man was at the door.  "Hi, my name is Freddy.  I'm here to pick up Betty.  We're going to have spaghetti.  Is she ready?"
The farmer lets the boy in and says "no, you can wait over there."
The doorbell rings again.  "Hi, I'm Joe.  I'm here to pick up Flo.  We're going to a show.  Is she ready to go?"
The farmer lets the boy in and says "no, you can wait over there."
The doorbell rings again.  "Hi, I'm Chuck."  The farmer shoots him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rffn0/a_farmer_was_at_home_watching_tv_when_his/
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TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rfdsj/til_the_lead_singer_of_chumbawumba_is_married_to/
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- Describe yourself in three words

- Lazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rfb0v/describe_yourself_in_three_words/
%
What's the difference between a chili and rape?

One's a pepper and one's assault

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rf70b/whats_the_difference_between_a_chili_and_rape/
%
A man finds a lamp on the beach...

He picks it up, and rubs it to see a genie pop out of it. The genie gives the usual speech, "I will grant thee 3 wishes." The man starts listing his desires, "Oh my God, a real genie! Uh, ok, I want a huge mansion!"
"I have granted thee a mansion."
"And I want tons of naked women in the mansion for me!"
"I have granted thee plenty of fine women."
Then the man makes his third wish, the genie grants it, and all of the sudden 3 men wearing sheets riding on horseback came and took the man and hung him from a tree.
Afterwards, the genie meets up with other genies and starts talking about the guy. "You know, I've been stuck in that lamp for 5,000 years, but it's nice to know humans still want the same stuff. The guy asked me for a mansion, then lots of women to fill the mansion, of course. But he confused me when he said he wanted to be 'hung like a black man.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rf2c1/a_man_finds_a_lamp_on_the_beach/
%
There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.

So one evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.
She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N," she answered, proudly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6reyt8/there_was_a_blonde_who_just_got_sick_and_tired_of/
%
Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rexs5/dont_you_hate_it_when_youre_driving_along_smoking/
%
A man was about to go down on a woman..

Man: "Oh my God, you smell like shit!"
Woman: "It's arthritis.."
Man: "What? In your vagina?"
Woman: "No, in my arm. I can't wipe my own ass.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rewkj/a_man_was_about_to_go_down_on_a_woman/
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I scared my mailman by showing up at the door completely naked

I'm not sure what scared him more; me being naked or me knowing where he lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6revxg/i_scared_my_mailman_by_showing_up_at_the_door/
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What kind of people don't enjoy cheesy jokes?

People who are laughtose intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6reuar/what_kind_of_people_dont_enjoy_cheesy_jokes/
%
A man dies and ends up in Hell.

A man dies and ends up in hell, Satan shows up and walks him down a hallway, explaining that he would choose his torment from a selection of doors.
The first door opens up onto a vast expanse and millions of people standing on their heads on concrete. This doesn't have much appeal so the man moves to the next door. There he finds a similar scene but everyone is on their heads on rough hewn wooden floors. The man moved on as that looked worse. The third door revealed a vast chasm with far fewer people, all of whom are knee deep in shit drinking coffee. The man thinks to himself that he could get used to the smell and hey, free coffee, so he chooses that door.
He gets settled in with his cup and his personal plot of shit and starts to relax a bit, when suddenly an inhuman voice booms through the area; "Alright everyone, breaks over, back on your heads!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6resu2/a_man_dies_and_ends_up_in_hell/
%
What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6reqmb/whats_the_process_of_applying_for_a_job_at_hooters/
%
Is your name google ?

Because you have everything I am searching for!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6reqjl/is_your_name_google/
%
I'm building an app to help people fall asleep at night. It'll be recordings of straight white men talking about gender identity, cultural appropriation and modern racism...

Name of the app is White Noise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6repxv/im_building_an_app_to_help_people_fall_asleep_at/
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There are two types of people in the world.

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rep9i/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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What did the sushi roll say to the bee?

Wasabi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6remmp/what_did_the_sushi_roll_say_to_the_bee/
%
What do you call mixing coffee and hard liquor?

Getting ready for work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6reh2b/what_do_you_call_mixing_coffee_and_hard_liquor/
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A man enters a bus one day

And sits next to the most beautiful nun he's ever seen. He tries to contain his excitement, but after awhile, he asks her
"Sister, I know you are not supposed to, but I find you to be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I would not forgive myself if I did not try. Would you grant me the honour of sleeping with you?"
Obviously, the nun says no, and reaching her destination, she exits the bus.
The next day, the man enters the same bus, hoping to find the nun there, and does. He begs her again to give him the sex, but is once again refused.
On the third day, he sees her on the bus again, proposes a night of passion, and is once again rejected. When the nun leaves the bus, the bus driver turns to the man and says :
"Hey dude, I've seen you get rejected three times already, if you really want her, I could help you out. She goes to this graveyard every night and lights a single candle there, praying and offering her body to God. If I were you, dressing up would be a decent idea."
So, that night, the man dresses up as God and enters the graveyard and searches for the nun. In the distance, he sees a faint light and as he gets closer, he sees the nun kneeling beside the candle, mumbling words, probably praying.
He appears before the nun and commands her to offer her body to him. She is surprised, and drops to her knees, saying
"Oh great one, I have spent my entire life devoting myself to you. My mind, body, and soul are yours to take as you please. However, i am still in this mortal form, so to preserve my sanctity, if you must take me, do it with my behind.
So the man had the best night of his life (only anal), they made love over and over again until the sun rose over the horizon. Wanting to brag to the woman who turned him down three times, the man removed his disguise.
"AHAH !! I AM THE MAN FROM THE BUS !!"
The nun removes his gown.
"AHAH!!  I AM THE BUS DRIVER !!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6refnr/a_man_enters_a_bus_one_day/
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I like my women like I like my whiskey

12 years old with a 40% alcohol content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rebg6/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
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Why does Santa have the best job in the world?

He knows where all the naughty girls live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rea4b/why_does_santa_have_the_best_job_in_the_world/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a pistol?

A pistol does something when triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6re9sl/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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My car loves going to the gas station

It really gets him pumped up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6re7fi/my_car_loves_going_to_the_gas_station/
%
A man walks into a library

And says to the librarian "Hi! I would like an 8 ball of coke and an ounce of weed please."
The librarian says "Sir, this is a library!"
The man says "Sorry" and then leans in closely and whispers " I would like an 8 ball of coke and an ounce of weed please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6re5p6/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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Two guys are walking through a game park and come across a lion that has not eaten for days.

The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6re1xi/two_guys_are_walking_through_a_game_park_and_come/
%
Why wouldn't JFK be a good boxer?

He can't take a shot to the head....
Too soon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6re1bi/why_wouldnt_jfk_be_a_good_boxer/
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Hillary Clinton's New Book Is Already A Bestseller, And It Isn't Even Out Yet

Kinda like how she had won all those primaries before anyone got to cast a vote!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6re0fx/hillary_clintons_new_book_is_already_a_bestseller/
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The floor is lava!

Said everyone, Pompeii 79 A.D.
[EDIT: For those saying it's a pyroclastic flow.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdz3m/comment/dl5t2se?st=J5Y0ORG8&sh=e10af661)
By the way, thanks for giving me a trip to the front page! :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdz3m/the_floor_is_lava/
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Spaghetti is the term I believe...

With women, their sexuality can be a mood thing, can't it?
Spaghetti is the term I believe.
**Straight until wet**
-----------------------
(This is one of Jimmy Carr's jokes but I laughed a lot so I thought I'd share it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdylr/spaghetti_is_the_term_i_believe/
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A boy goes into a pawn shop

with the motor for an iron lung.
the pawn shop owner asks "where did you get this?"
the boy replies "from my father"
the pawn shop owner asks "what did he say when you took it?"
the boy replies: "AAAAUUUUGHHHH"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdy65/a_boy_goes_into_a_pawn_shop/
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I am like Colgate toothpaste when I dance

Noticeably White

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdy4t/i_am_like_colgate_toothpaste_when_i_dance/
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What do we want...

Low flying airplane noise
When do we want them
NNNnnEEeeoooooooowwwWWW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdw0u/what_do_we_want/
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if Jesus died for our sin....

...then who died for our cos and tan?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdtwh/if_jesus_died_for_our_sin/
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A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk...

A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk. He's a bit of a packrat, and after thirty years, he's accumulated a lot of papers. As he's going through the papers, he notices an old, yellowed receipt.
"Lustowitz Shoe Repair" it says at the top. He dimly remembers the store, only a few blocks away from his apartment but in a direction that he doesn't go anymore since he switched jobs. As he looks more closely at the receipt, he realizes that it's for a pair of shoes he dropped off twenty-five years ago, and completely forgot to pick up.
"There's no way they could still be in business after all this time, is there?" he thinks. He picks up the phone, dials the number, and is shocked when he hears a woman at the other end.
"Lustowitz shoe repair!" the voice says. Well the man is shocked, but he quickly collects himself. "Hello! Oh my, I can't believe you're still in business! Look, I'm calling about a very old shoe repair receipt, I can't imagine you still have my shoes, but could you look this up for me? It's receipt #46352."
"Let me look," the woman says. There's a long pause, and just as the man is about to give up hope, she comes back on the line.
"Painter?" she says.
"Yes," he replies, "That's me!"
"HAROLD Painter?"
"Yes, that's my name, Harold Painter!"
"A pair of black size ten-and-a-half dress shoes?"
"Oh my, I cannot believe you still have my shoes! That's amazing! After all this time, you fixed my shoes and kept them for twenty-five years! Can I come over right now and pick them up?"
There's a pause on the other end of the line. "They'll be ready two weeks from Thursday." <CLICK>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdt3e/a_guy_is_moving_out_of_new_york_city_and_begins/
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i asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.

She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
i said "Yeah, that's the one!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdrsl/i_asked_the_librarian_for_the_new_book_on/
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I asked my wife for the rake

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where's the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said,
"What?".
I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE".
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdosg/i_asked_my_wife_for_the_rake/
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There was a robbery at the pet store today

It was a dog-gone catastrophe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdofv/there_was_a_robbery_at_the_pet_store_today/
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My mother's knock knock joke

Mom: Knock knock?
Me: Who's there?
Mom: Not your father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdl0c/my_mothers_knock_knock_joke/
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Hey baby, call me Colgate

Because 9 out of 10 dentists recommend me in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdi8h/hey_baby_call_me_colgate/
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Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdi5h/donald_trump_goes_to_a_fortune_teller_and_asks/
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I told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdh52/i_told_my_wife_i_was_so_stressed_that_only_a/
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What do hamsters and cigarettes have in common?

They’re both perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdgxm/what_do_hamsters_and_cigarettes_have_in_common/
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A guy comes into a bar upset

Bartender asks him whats wrong, he tells the bartender "I've been doing this housewife for months now but I really want to break up with her but don't know how, she doesn't take bad news well. Shes in the car now waiting." Bartender says, "Well its dark out there and our voices sound similar, I could go out there and do it for you." The man thanks him in gratitude.
The bartender goes out to the car and stands by her window and begins to break up with her. The woman starts screaming hysterically and sobbing. A policeman overhears this and comes by with a flashlight, "What is going on here??! Are you hurting this woman?"
The bartender answers, "No sir, this is just my wife we're having an argument." The police man says "Oh okay sorry, I didn't realize."
The bartender replies, "Neither did I until you switched that damm light on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdd04/a_guy_comes_into_a_bar_upset/
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How do you get an art major off your porch?

Pay for the pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdcrp/how_do_you_get_an_art_major_off_your_porch/
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I think frogs are pretty boring

Unless, of course, they're ribbiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdcdh/i_think_frogs_are_pretty_boring/
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Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he becomes a prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdbd1/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_eats_for_a_day/
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Definition by example - a short family story!

Youngest Son: Dad, whats the difference between 'hypothetical' & 'real'?
Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 million?
Wife: Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity.
Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 Million?
Daughter: Yes He's my fantasy.
Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with, Tom cruise for 1 million?
Elder Son: Why not ? Imagine what I could do with that money!
Father turns to his younger son: You see son, 'Hypothetically' we're sitting with 3 millionaires but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes & 1 gay Bastard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rd782/definition_by_example_a_short_family_story/
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“You da bomb!” “No, you da bomb!” In America – a compliment.

In the Middle East – an argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rd6iz/you_da_bomb_no_you_da_bomb_in_america_a_compliment/
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I ordered a chicken and egg on Amazon today....

Now all we have to do is wait..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rd69c/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_egg_on_amazon_today/
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Why did the Mexican man throw his wife off a cliff?

Tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rd2ya/why_did_the_mexican_man_throw_his_wife_off_a_cliff/
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What does an Italian Lightning McQueen say?

Ka-ciao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rd2sb/what_does_an_italian_lightning_mcqueen_say/
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Bartering with Beer

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store.  I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.  It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.  She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less self almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"Depends on what kind of beer you've got!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rd1hl/bartering_with_beer/
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Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k?

Because 3k was considered too racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rd1a0/why_did_hd_tv_jump_from_2k_straight_to_4k/
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What do you call a security guard who works for a Samsung store?

A Guardian of the Galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rcz67/what_do_you_call_a_security_guard_who_works_for_a/
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Never date cross eyed people.

They might be seeing somebody on the side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rcxx6/never_date_cross_eyed_people/
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A man walks into a bar

and he sees a huge amount of people milling about, waiting for the bartender to ladle out cups of red liquid from a bowl.
When the man finally gets to the counter, he asks for a double whiskey.
"Ain't got no whiskey," says the bartender. The man asks for vodka, to the same result. Same goes for gin, tequila, and rum.
Frustrated, the man throws up his hands. "Look, I walked into a bar; isn't this where you come to get alcohol?"
The bartender shakes his head and says "oh, sorry no - this is just the punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rcv3t/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Our neighbour's dog crapped in our garden, so my wife asked me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't know what that solved. We still have dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rcs1t/our_neighbours_dog_crapped_in_our_garden_so_my/
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Obi and the never satisfied old lady [Original Joke]

Obi just moved from africa to a nice little town in the U.S.
Having the habit of taking overcrowded buses back in Africa, he decides to sit and, for once, enjoy the view.
After a few stops an old lady get in the bus, not without difficulties, walks slowly around but can't find a seat.
Obi does like he didn't saw her and start to play with his new phone.
The old lady is visibly sad and have a hard time standing up.
Before leaving the bus, the old lady says :
"Mhhh... Back in my days people were much better."
Obi is kind of embarassed and realise that he has been a jerk.
The next day Obi is taking his bus again. And again there is this old lady getting difficultly on the bus and walking, but this time Obi stand up and gives her the seat.
The old lady smiles and says :
"Oh thank you young man but you know back in my days people were much better."
Obi is confused and soon realise he could have helped her walking to her seat. He promise to himself to do better next time.
The next day, Obi is ready. He stands as soon as the old lady is in the bus and helps her walk to the seat and sit her confortably.
The old lady looks at him pleased and says :
"Oh that's so sweet of you ! But you know back in my days people were much better."
Obi is starting to get anoyed, so the next day he comes in a full smoking costume and freshly shaved.
He got out of the bus to help the old woman getting in, helps her walk and helps her to sit with a little smile.
And the old lady says :
"You're amazing ! Thank you ! But you know back in my days people were much better."
So Obi lose it and respond :
"Ok that's it... I've done everything perfectly. I've no fucking idea what I'm doing wrong... Tell me what people in your days would have done better huh ?"
"Oh it's just that back in my days people wouldn't have let a nigger get in that bus."
*Sorry for the style. Just invented this joke in French and had to translate it in english, that's not easy.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rcqib/obi_and_the_never_satisfied_old_lady_original_joke/
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There is a farmer waiting in line at the patent office

There is a farmer in line at the patent office.
Once his turn comes, the farmer shows the patent clerk an apple. "I want to patent this apple," he says.
The patent clerk starts making fun of him. "You're saying you invented the apple?" "This is no ordinary apple" the farmer reveals.
"This is a very special apple. If you take a bite, you'll realize this apple tastes like pussy".
The clerk again makes fun of him, but now he's curious.
So takes a bite, chews and then spits everything on the floor. "What the fuck!" the patent clerk screams. "This apple tastes like ass!"
And the farmer said: "Turn it around, stupid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rcq1q/there_is_a_farmer_waiting_in_line_at_the_patent/
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Incest is like a board game

It's fun for the whole family!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rcp7u/incest_is_like_a_board_game/
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When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived the same situation...

Almost died in Finding Nemo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rcp14/when_people_go_underwater_in_movies_i_like_to/
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A hungry lion roamed through the jungle looking for his next meal when he came upon two men.

One man was sitting under a tree reading a book. The other man was writing in a notebook. The lion quickly pounced in the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that reader's digest and writers cramp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rcncz/a_hungry_lion_roamed_through_the_jungle_looking/
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If your girlfriend's dad ever angrily asks "where do you get off"

"In your daughter" is the wrong answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rcjjj/if_your_girlfriends_dad_ever_angrily_asks_where/
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When I was in China, everybody always told jokes about cow's milk.

I would hear them on a dairy basis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rcima/when_i_was_in_china_everybody_always_told_jokes/
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I once took a bunch of rocks and made a swivel door

I'd made a Stonehinge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rcdg4/i_once_took_a_bunch_of_rocks_and_made_a_swivel/
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Adam, Eve and God's bag of parts

One day Adam and Eve were enjoying the garden and it's many luxuries, when they heard the voice of God.
"Alright you two, I have new parts for you, only have two for now."
He explained, approaching the two.
"First is a hose, I think I will call it a penis."
He explained, pulling a part from the bag.
Adam shot up waving his hand.
"I'll have it! Just think of how effective I will be when working, if I need to pee I can do it standing without worry."
God shrugged, and handed Adam the first penis. He then turned to Eve and said.
"Well, I guess you will get the multiple orgasms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rcah0/adam_eve_and_gods_bag_of_parts/
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Cardiologist and the Mechanic

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,
"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"
The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rc9yx/cardiologist_and_the_mechanic/
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Jesus, Moses and an Old man are playing golf.

Moses is up first, and after whacking the ball, it falls into a lake. He parts the waters, hits the ball again onto the green.
Then, Jesus has his go, the ball soars at the same lake but this time it floats, so he walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.
Then the old man steps up. He hits towards the lake but before it hits the water, a trout jumps up and grabs the ball. Before it drops back to the lake an eagle swoops down and catches the trout. - flying over the green and squeezing the trout, making it drop the ball into the hole.
At this point Jesus turns around and says: "Dad, stop messing around we're trying to play golf"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rc8aa/jesus_moses_and_an_old_man_are_playing_golf/
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A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rc5is/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_owned_by_eminem/
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When Queen Elizabeth dies there will be two days of mourning.

One for the funeral and one for the coronation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rc3p2/when_queen_elizabeth_dies_there_will_be_two_days/
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All those with telekinetic powers raise my hand.

Wow! I wasn't expecting that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rc3iu/all_those_with_telekinetic_powers_raise_my_hand/
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Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet.

In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rc12m/arguing_with_the_wife_is_a_lot_like_trying_to/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rc0do/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_station/
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Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbzhj/once_upon_a_time/
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What looks good on 5-pounds of fat?

A nipple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbycm/what_looks_good_on_5pounds_of_fat/
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I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.

It was a revolting scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbxdb/i_knew_a_guy_that_got_struck_by_lightning_twice/
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What do we want?!

"what do we want?!"
"Really bad cat jokes"
"When do we want it?!"
"Meooooowww"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbu8b/what_do_we_want/
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PSA: Gay jokes aren't funny

Cum on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbu2q/psa_gay_jokes_arent_funny/
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbtst/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbrd5/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
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People are like drums...

If you hit them with a stick, they will make noise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbp7z/people_are_like_drums/
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What did the baltimore police officer say about the black man who got shot 12 times?

Worst suicide he'd ever seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbp4l/what_did_the_baltimore_police_officer_say_about/
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I left my job as a door to door salesman

I got fed up dealing with knobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbmr5/i_left_my_job_as_a_door_to_door_salesman/
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Good in bed

Girl: I've heard a lot about how good you are in bed.
Guy: Come on I'm not that good.
Girl: That's what I've heard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbmay/good_in_bed/
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Who will be in charge of Trump's border wall?

The Secretary of Da' Fence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbl90/who_will_be_in_charge_of_trumps_border_wall/
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When god created man

Gods assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.
Gods assistant: Why?
God: For furniture.
Gods assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me it'll be funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbks0/when_god_created_man/
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I was going to grow a fungus farm in my backyard

but there wasn't mushroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbkjs/i_was_going_to_grow_a_fungus_farm_in_my_backyard/
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I never forget my son's first words...

"Where the heck have you been for 16 years?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbkjq/i_never_forget_my_sons_first_words/
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If Jesus died for our sins ...

Who died for our cos and tan ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbkfd/if_jesus_died_for_our_sins/
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My wife said I should get high heels for her birthday.

I'm getting some weird looks as I walk down the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbjto/my_wife_said_i_should_get_high_heels_for_her/
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There were these two trees that lived in the middle of a meadow, all by themselves, one, a birch, the other, a beech...

Having nothing much else to do to pass the time, they engaged in frequent conversation with each other about whatever tickled their fancy.
Well, one year, a sapling took root between the two trees and having not much else to talk about, they argued about the sapling for years.
"It's a son of a beech," the beech would say.
"No, it's a son of a birch," the birch would say.
And back and forth they would go.
One year, when the sapling was starting to get big and tall, a woodpecker happened to fly along and land on the beech.
The beech, seeing an opportunity to settle this argument once and for all, said, "Hey, woodpecker. I need a favor. I want you to fly over to that young tree there, and tell me whether that tree is a son of a beech or the son of a birch."
Well, the woodpecker not having much else to do said, "Sure thing!" and flew over to the young tree and gave it six good taps.
*-tap tap tap-*
*-tap tap tap-*
And flew back.
"Well?" the birch said.
"Well?" the beech said.
"Is it a son of a beech, or the son of a birch?"
The woodpecker said, "Neither."
"Neither!?"
"That, my friends," the woodpecker said, "is the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbgvx/there_were_these_two_trees_that_lived_in_the/
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I bought a book about materialism.

It wasn't worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbesa/i_bought_a_book_about_materialism/
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I told my grand kids that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle...

So they unplugged my computer and threw out my bourbon..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbdls/i_told_my_grand_kids_that_i_never_want_to_live_in/
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Last night I went to a trendy new bar and was approached by a beautiful young lady who said "Hey there handsome, do you come here often?"

to which I replied "no, I usually come at home, but I am open to new experiences". These English lessons are finally paying off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbdf4/last_night_i_went_to_a_trendy_new_bar_and_was/
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A blonde goes to a hairdresser

A blonde went to a hairdresser to get her hair cut, when she walked in and sat down the hairdresser asked her to take out her earphones
'oh no, I can't do that my mother and father told me to never take them out'
The hairdresser said that she would have to as he could not cut her hair with them in after a short back and forth the hairdresser said that he would head to the back to get some things and that he hoped the earphones would be out of her ears so they could start
So the hairdresser went back grabbed some shampoo and when he opened the door the blonde was collapsed on the ground with her headphones next to her, he quickly rushed over feeling her pulse there was nothing there
So he grabbed the headphones put them in his ears and heard
'breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbd6m/a_blonde_goes_to_a_hairdresser/
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Microsoft

Boss : How good are you at making spreadsheet?
Me : I excel at it
Boss : Was that a Microsoft office pun?
Me : word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbd3u/microsoft/
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a baby was fed on elephant's milk

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbd3j/a_baby_was_fed_on_elephants_milk/
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New Original joke

I had sex on top of a dolphin,
You could say I did it on porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbb3u/new_original_joke/
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A man walks into a library

He asks the librarian "Excuse me, have you got the new book on small penises please?"
"I'm sorry, I don't think it's in yet"
"yes that's the one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rbahf/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rb6j8/chess_is_banned_under_islam/
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Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom

these people are called dads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rb0zl/research_shows_that_90_of_men_dont_know_how_to/
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I would rather my boss scroll through my reddit feed than my girlfriend

But then again. The reason I'm on reddit is because I'm single and unemployed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rb04f/i_would_rather_my_boss_scroll_through_my_reddit/
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The blue man lives in the blue house, red man lives in the red house, green man lives in the green house. Who lives in the White House?

The orange man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6raz39/the_blue_man_lives_in_the_blue_house_red_man/
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How do you differentiate a frog from a horny toad?

The frog says, "Ribbit-ribbit."
The toad says, "Rub-it-rub-it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6raxr3/how_do_you_differentiate_a_frog_from_a_horny_toad/
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On the other hand

you have different fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ratz2/on_the_other_hand/
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I was sitting in my room just thinking about my life, when I started wondering how things got to be so dark.

Then I realized I forgot to pay the electric bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rasjh/i_was_sitting_in_my_room_just_thinking_about_my/
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A guy's talking to a girl in a bar

He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rapiw/a_guys_talking_to_a_girl_in_a_bar/
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Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems

The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing," said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven." 😢

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6raowx/three_old_men_were_sitting_around_talking_about/
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A man shows up to work with a black eye...

His co-worker Buddy asks him "Where'd you get that shiner from, Dan?"
Dan says "I got it at church this weekend"
Buddy: "How the hell do you manage to get a black eye at church?"
Dan: "Well I sitting behind this big fat lady and when we stood up to sing hymns I noticed her dress was stuck in her buttcrack so I pulled it out for her and she swung around and popped me in the eye"
Buddy: "I bet you won't do THAT again will ya, Dan!"
Dan: "You bet your life I won't, Bud"
The next week Dan shows up to work and now BOTH eyes are black so, of course, Buddy asks him if he pulled the dress out of the fat ladys buttcrack again.
Dan says: "Hell no! What happened was when she got up this time the dress was stuck in her buttcrack again and the fella next to me was the dummy who pulled it out. I know she hates if you do that so I tucked it back in there for her"
(Told to me by an old guy at work today)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rafe2/a_man_shows_up_to_work_with_a_black_eye/
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A Soviet woman is trying to buy a Lada

The dealer tells her there is a shortage of these cars, despite their reputation for shoddy quality. Still, the woman insists on placing an order. The dealer gets out a large, dusty ledger and adds the woman’s name to the long waiting list. “Come back two years from now on March 17th,” he says. The woman consults her calendar. “Morning or afternoon?” she asks. “What difference does it make?” the dealer replies. “That’s two years from now!” “The plumber is coming that day,” she says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rad7w/a_soviet_woman_is_trying_to_buy_a_lada/
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My wife's pregnant

90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?
Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!
Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!
Dr: EXACTLY!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6raaif/my_wifes_pregnant/
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Video games or Homework?

Porn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ra7ty/video_games_or_homework/
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If USA invaded Canada, Russia would save them...

Because they've got poutine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ra2rr/if_usa_invaded_canada_russia_would_save_them/
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A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ra0l4/a_guy_goes_to_the_council_to_apply_for_a_job/
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A latino goes to a vending machine

He gets a soda for 75c. He puts in 65c. The machine says "dime", so he whispers quiero una pepsi porfavor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ra0jz/a_latino_goes_to_a_vending_machine/
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What do you call an illusionist from Mexico?

A magic Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ra055/what_do_you_call_an_illusionist_from_mexico/
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Did you hear about the guy who drowned in an ocean of grape juice?

He tried swimming to shore but his efforts were fruitile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r9w59/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_drowned_in_an/
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What do you call a pessimistic horse?

A neigh-sayer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r9k0a/what_do_you_call_a_pessimistic_horse/
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Prostate exam

I wwnt in for my prostate exam, and took off my pants. I asked the doctor, "Where do you want me to set these?" "Over there, next to mine," is not the answer I was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r9bw7/prostate_exam/
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Why are the southern states so bad at calculus?

Because they have trouble whenever they try integration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r99kj/why_are_the_southern_states_so_bad_at_calculus/
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A dad joke

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!
But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out!
The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out!
The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.
By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.
The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r97m8/a_dad_joke/
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A man was hospitalized with 6 toy plastic horses up his ass

The doctors described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r90vm/a_man_was_hospitalized_with_6_toy_plastic_horses/
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Vomiting is like sex...

It's sometimes better to just bend over and let it happen.
When it comes it comes.
You usually feel gross afterwards, but there's still a sense of relief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r90lt/vomiting_is_like_sex/
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An international business man goes to Japan to make a deal

His meeting is the next day and he decides to find a Japanese hooker as he's heard great things from his colleagues .
He has sex with a hooker and the whole night she screams :
"HOSHI MOTA!, HOSHI MOTA!
But the man had no idea what that meant.
He goes to a morning golf game the next day with the Japanese CEO.
The business man makes a hole in one and is so excited he doesn't know what to say so he yells:
"HOSHI MOTA!, HOSHI MOTA!"
The CEO turns to him confused and asks:
"What do you mean "wrong hole?" "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r8xjb/an_international_business_man_goes_to_japan_to/
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A white guy makes 400k a year but still lives in government housing...

...Trump really abuses the system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r8xio/a_white_guy_makes_400k_a_year_but_still_lives_in/
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How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

It isn't hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r8wlc/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_on_a_nude_beach/
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Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r8wc4/why_does_helen_keller_masturbate_with_one_hand/
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An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are sentenced to 20yrs solitary confinement.

The judge allows each to choose something to take with them.
-The Englishman takes 20 women with him.
-The Scotsman takes 20 years worth of whiskey.
-The Irishman takes 20 years worth of cigarettes.
After 20 long years they are all released from solitary.
When the Englishman's cell is opened he emerges with multiple children of various ages.
The Scotsman leaves his cell absolutely hammered from 20 years worth of alcohol abuse.
Finally the Irishman emerges from his cell with a cigarette in his hand and asks "anyone have a light?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r8vjm/an_englishman_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are/
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A recent finding by statisticians...

...shows that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r8uop/a_recent_finding_by_statisticians/
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Today, I accidentally came across an orgy full of schizophrenics.

I was fucking insanity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r8rk3/today_i_accidentally_came_across_an_orgy_full_of/
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What did the cannoli say to the other cannoli?

There cannoli be one of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r8pd7/what_did_the_cannoli_say_to_the_other_cannoli/
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What's a pirates favorite bra size?

A seaaaa cup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r8nr3/whats_a_pirates_favorite_bra_size/
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When life gives you melons...

You're probably dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r8n3o/when_life_gives_you_melons/
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If a teacup holds tea and a coffee cup holds coffee then what does a peecup hold?

Three Mexicans, a lawn mower, two leaf blowers and a half dozen rakes will fit in a peecup (pickup with Spanish accent).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r8kzj/if_a_teacup_holds_tea_and_a_coffee_cup_holds/
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Did you hear about the guy that invented Viagra?

He made it big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r8cl7/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_invented_viagra/
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A male whale and a female whale

were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r8752/a_male_whale_and_a_female_whale/
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A man had 3 beautiful girlfriends...

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but he couldn't decide who to marry so he gave them each £5000 and watched what they bought.
The first one bought a massive makeover and said "I got a makeover so I can be beautiful for you because I love you".
The second one bought an iPad and a flatscreen TV for the man and said "I bought these because I love you so much"
The third one invested her money and doubled it. She then gave the man £10,000 back and said "I made more money for you because I love you so much"
The man thought long and hard about who to marry and eventually decided...
He married the one with the biggest boobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r853g/a_man_had_3_beautiful_girlfriends/
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r84go/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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Teacher asks student

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7xhv/teacher_asks_student/
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Abducted

In a small country town, the most exciting thing that happened was the occasional drunk stumbling down the street. Life was slow, calm and everyone who lived there preferred it that way. However, the biggest story in a decade was about to tear through this quaint little area.
A young woman, well loved by most all in the area as is often the case in close knit towns, was on her way to meet her friends at the coffee shop but never arrived. Things happen, her friends were not too worried about it at the time, but after they tried to contact her that evening and failed, they realized something was amiss. A missing person report was filed with local police, but there were no leads. The single channel of local news shared her story hourly on the TV and local radio broadcast what they knew about the case, which was sadly almost nothing.
A week passed, and this town which was formerly happy and trusting of all people received another blow to their reality. A second young woman disappeared, this one while walking her dog down a wooded trail. Her dog was found still on the leash, wandering aimlessly, searching for food. The people who found the dog knew something was wrong immediately, as he was never allowed far from her side. Again, a missing person report was filed but with no leads. It was as if these two women simply stopped existing. No tracks, no clues, no evidence was found.
The town was torn apart. Their way of life would never be the same. No longer did women walk the streets alone without a care in the world. Neighbors began to not trust each other, tasers and pepper spray sold out and the local home security system installer had to hire four new employees just to keep up with new clients.
After a month, when all hope was lost and most secretly suspected the women were dead while trying to keep a positive outlook, the incredible happened. As a woman walked alone to check the mail at the end of her street, nervously glancing into the bushes due to her new found fear, a man came up behind her, covered her mouth with one hand, pinned both arms with his free arm and started dragging her into the bushes. She was sure she was soon to be the third victim, and this thought led her to find new strength. She wrestled as mightily as she ever had in her life, and managed to slip one arm free of his grasp. With a quickness born of desperation, she was able to grab and deploy her taser. Immediately he flopped to the ground, writhing. Now freed, she shouted for help, all the while still pumping the volts into her would be abductor. There was no way she would let him escape, only to do this again to another woman.
The townspeople came quickly, and the man was surrounded. A policeman had been nearby, and quickly placed the man in handcuffs. A cheer went out, the town knew they had their man. Already they hoped their lives would return to normal. They missed the peace and tranquility they had enjoyed just a month previous.
However, it would not be so easy to return to normal. You see, the two women he abducted were still missing. The man would not disclose their location. Multiple investigators questioned him, and he never would give a straight answer as to where they could be found. Sometimes he seemed about to give the location, only to stop and talk about something else. Frustration set in, and while you'll never read it on a official report, the local police got physical with him. Many of them were fathers and had daughters who were now young women, they were all too aware that one of their daughters could be one of the missing. The man still wouldn't tell the truth, he just kept following the pattern of starting to explain where they were, but then stopping and saying something else.
Hope was pretty well lost, after three days the town was afraid the women would have possibly been without food or water for too long to survive, if they were even still alive. But then a miracle happened. A man was driving down a back road to his house and saw two bodies by the side of the road, one unconscious and one nearly so, each wearing only underwear. It was the abducted women. They had obviously been beaten. They were bruised on their inner thighs, the front of their hips and around their bellybutton area. The conscious woman stayed with it long enough to let their rescuer know they were indeed the women who had been abducted earlier but had managed to escape after the abductee didn't return for days, then she too lost consciousness. The person who found them called 911 as he picked up their bodies and placed them into his car, letting them know to expect them soon at the hospital.
The medical staff was waiting and brought the women immediately into the intensive care unit. Due to their lack of almost all clothing and significant bruising all around the pubic area, they feared these women had been raped for the last month. As they worked to get the women conscious again, someone called the police chief letting him know the women were found, that they were alive, and their physical condition including the suspected rapes.
The police held nothing back, they each took turns pummeling the man until he was nearly unable to speak. They wanted to know what transpired in the month he had the women at his mercy. But yet again, the man would start to tell the story, then talk about something else. They never could get a good answer out of him. Finally, one policeman couldn't take it any more and punched the man with such force, his neck broke and his miserable life ended there in the cold interrogation room. Small towns have a way of sticking together, and the other police assured him they would contrive a story which kept him from ever seeing prison time for killing the man.
In two days, one of the women regained consciousness. She immediately asked where she was and if she was safe, and when the nurses assured her she was, she burst into tears. Her ordeal was over. All she was left with was massive bruising from the time she was captive. The tests done while she was unconscious indicated there was no sexual abuse during her time with the man, all signs indicated she was not raped and yet the bruises seemed to indicate otherwise. A doctor and a policeman questioned her together, and she adamantly denied ever being sexually abused by the man. She was quite positive that all he ever did was hit her and the other woman on their inner thighs, their hips and the lower part of their stomachs. He never even acted like he wanted to have sex with them, they only had their clothes removed because he seemed to get a thrill from watching their flesh turn red as he hit them with his hands and other objects. It was a puzzle, no one could determine why he did this.
Later that day, the other woman awoke and told the same story. He had never raped either of them, never acted interested in anything other than hitting them all in the general area of their genitals. Other than that, he actually took good care of them. During that month, he fed them and gave them water whenever they asked. Emboldened by his kind attitude except during the times he was beating them, they finally asked why he was doing this. Why does he treat them so well, but then cause them so much pain and bruising? Showing the typical behavior as he did during police questioning, he never gave them a straight answer. He would start to, but then talk about something else. This became an almost daily occurrence, and they never could figure out his motive.
When it came down to it, no one really knows why the man did what he did. It seems he just really liked to beat around the bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7wc1/abducted/
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I tried to explain to my boss that I couldn't come in to work because my imported Swedish car broke down.

But he didn't want to hear my Saab story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7vdh/i_tried_to_explain_to_my_boss_that_i_couldnt_come/
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Two married buddies are out drinking...

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7udv/two_married_buddies_are_out_drinking/
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What did the father say when he was killing his kid with a vacuum?

Dyson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7thg/what_did_the_father_say_when_he_was_killing_his/
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I honestly cannot deal with puns.

But I can with a deck of cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7sef/i_honestly_cannot_deal_with_puns/
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How do the French declare war?

With a white flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7r9g/how_do_the_french_declare_war/
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How does a guy from Alabama break up with his girlfriend?

It's over, and I'm sorry. I hope we can still be cousins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7p7u/how_does_a_guy_from_alabama_break_up_with_his/
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A girl one day goes into confession...

Girl: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" He then touches her hand.
Girl: "Yes Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" He touches her breast.
Girl: "Yes Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, Father."
Priest: "Like this?" He strips her naked.
Girl: "Yes Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" The priest pushes her to the floor and then fucks the girl silly.
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest: "That's still no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7op8/a_girl_one_day_goes_into_confession/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7np4/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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Why do people rob 7/11 instead of restaurants?

Because it's more convenient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7mt5/why_do_people_rob_711_instead_of_restaurants/
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What do you call a breakdancing little person?

A midget spinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7k7d/what_do_you_call_a_breakdancing_little_person/
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Socrates Gossip

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7jqb/socrates_gossip/
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What does a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common? [NSFW]

They can smell it but they can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7gs0/what_does_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_boy_have_in/
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When does a sandwich cook?

When it's bakin' lettuce and tomato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7fyy/when_does_a_sandwich_cook/
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Girl, do you support the industrial mining of mountaintops?

Cuz I'm tryna get in Djibouti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7dbh/girl_do_you_support_the_industrial_mining_of/
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The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he is off to Parcelona. He then proceeded to ignore what is my best joke of 2017.
Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman's joke is the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7aiq/the_mailman_told_me_hes_off_to_spain_tomorrow/
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 feet long?

πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r79t0/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_is_exactly_314_feet/
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Someone stole all my credit cards

I won't be reporting it though, the thief spends less than my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r79ld/someone_stole_all_my_credit_cards/
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A new study finds that only 75% of men enjoy having sex in the shower.

It goes on to specify that the other 25% all reported to have spent time in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r78hn/a_new_study_finds_that_only_75_of_men_enjoy/
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Science makes you fly to the moon

Religion makes you fly into skyscrapers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r76gi/science_makes_you_fly_to_the_moon/
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[long] An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man are working on a sky scrapper.

The building is almost done. So they've started having lunch breaks on the roof. One day the English man takes out his sandwiches and bites into them, "Oh I don't believe this, onions again! I hate onions and I've told her a million times. But here we go, another day another sandwich with cheese and onions. A life spent with a woman who never listens to me and doesn't even know my likes and dislikes. This life is for nothing. It's a failure. If I have fucking onions on my sandwiches tomorrow I'm going to jump."
The Scot then bites his sandwiches and he says "As if it were a fucking scripted joke, I've got gherkins on mine again. Same story! I tell you what, if I get gherkins again I'll jump with you."
Then the Irish fellow bites his sandwiches and says "Turkey! I'm a vegetarian! I tell you what lads, we got this high together, let's all go down together. If I've got turkey tomorrow, I'll jump too.
So the next day comes and it's lunch time. The Englishman opens his sandwich and drops his head, "Sorry lads. It's my time." He throws his cheese and onion sandwich to the ground, walks to the edge and jumps. The Scot follows by checking his sandwich. Sure enough there are gherkins, "Right Paddy, I'll see you on the other side." and he jumps too. The Irish man checks his: turkey. "Unbelievable." He walks to the edge and jumps too.
There is a wake held for the men and their wives meet. The Englishman's wife is crying as she says "I don't understand it, we were so close and so open with everything. If he'd only said he didn't like onions I wouldn't have put them on his sandwiches."
The Scottish man's wife says "I don't understand it either. We spoke about practically everything... but this." And finally the Irish man's wife, through her tears says "I don't understand it one bit because he made his own sandwiches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r75l6/long_an_englishman_a_scottish_man_and_an_irish/
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I don't remember all the characters' names from "The Hunchback of Notre-Dame"

but Quasimodo rings a bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r7422/i_dont_remember_all_the_characters_names_from_the/
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Two Alabama State Troopers

Two Alabama state troopers were chasing a Mustang on I-20 East towards Georgia.  When the suspect crossed the state line, the first trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie trooper parked behind him and asked, "Hey, Sarge, why'd you stop?"
The sergeant replied, "Ah, he's in Georgia now.  They're an hour ahead of us, so we ain't ever gonna catch him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6y13/two_alabama_state_troopers/
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The Threesome

My wife asked me, "If you could have sex with any of my friends, who would you pick?"
I decided that any answer would get me in trouble, so I might as well go for broke. I said, "Rachel and Erin are really pretty. In fact, I bet they would enjoy a threesome!"
Thankfully, instead of getting mad, she just laughed.
I spent the next couple of days out of town for work. I came home late at night, and found my wife sitting in the living room with Rachel and Erin. They kept looking at each other and giggling, and wouldn't tell me what was going on.
Finally, my wife got up, took my arm, and lead me into the bedroom. She closed the door and started pulling my clothes off.
"I told Rachel and Erin that you thought they might enjoy a threesome," she said. "They said that sounded like fun."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah! We had a great time. Thanks for the idea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6x6u/the_threesome/
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As a bagpiper...

I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6x08/as_a_bagpiper/
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Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man?

It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6tg5/did_you_hear_theyre_remaking_the_show_6_million/
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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino...

My ex-girlfriend
FUCK YOU JANET!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6roy/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_with_a/
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I'd hate to run a marathon

They just look so hard to organise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6r7h/id_hate_to_run_a_marathon/
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What do you say when you get hit by a brick of gold?

Auch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6okd/what_do_you_say_when_you_get_hit_by_a_brick_of/
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What would you call Spider Man if he was a valet?

Peter Parker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6o12/what_would_you_call_spider_man_if_he_was_a_valet/
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What do you get when you cross a Cow with and Octopus?

A Visit from the ethics committee, and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6knw/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cow_with_and/
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Why were the 'Dark Ages' so dark?

Because there were so many Knights.
Just delete me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6jyq/why_were_the_dark_ages_so_dark/
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Did you know Saturday and Sunday are the strongest days?

The rest are just weekdays...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6jmv/did_you_know_saturday_and_sunday_are_the/
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What's the definition of a will?

It's a dead giveaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6hpx/whats_the_definition_of_a_will/
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A few animals die and get to meet God in heaven...

First up is the giraffe, he asks God "God, why did you give me such a long neck, everyone makes fun of me and I see no purpose for it." God replies "child, I gave you such a long neck so you could reach the highest and purest leaves from the trees" the giraffe is pleased and leaves his presence. Next a dog comes as asks "God, why did you let my kind be domesticated by these 'cunning monkeys' they dressed me up in outfits and belittled my brothers and me. What the fuck?" "Ah well you see my child, humans are stupid and they needed a protector, and you are the most qualified" the dog pleased leaves his presence. Finally a chicken comes up and says "listen here you little shit, you ain't messing with me, you either makes my eggs smaller or my hole bigger!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6g39/a_few_animals_die_and_get_to_meet_god_in_heaven/
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What is the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never paid a hundred dollars to have a lentil on my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6fsv/what_is_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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A long joke, thick with details

A man with a tiny dick hiked up a mountain to ask a shaman to help with his affliction. He reached the peak and approached the shaman.
"I want a nine inch dick. What do I have to do?"
"It's simple," said the shaman. "Look down at the jungle. Do you see that tree with the white bark?"
"Yes, I see it."
"Pry off some of the bark from that tree. About two handfuls will do."
"Is that it?"
"No. Do you see that creek down there? Take this bottle and fill it to the top with water from that creek."
"Ok, so the tree bark and the water. Anything else?"
"One last thing. On your way up the mountain, did you see a bush with purple berries on it?"
"Yes, several of them."
"Bring me three of those purple berries, and then we'll get to work."
So the man goes down the mountain. He collects two handfuls of the tree bark and stores them in his bag. He fills the bottle with water from the creek and puts it in his bag. On the way back up the mountain, he picks three of the purple berries and carefully puts them in his shirt pocket.
After reaching the mountaintop for the second time in a day, the man is exhausted. Gasping for air, he hands his bag to the shaman. He fishes the berries out of his shirt pocket and places them in the shaman's hand.
"Good," says the shaman. "Now you can rest. I will take care of the next part."
The shaman sits down and puts the tree bark into a stone bowl. Over the course of an hour, he grinds all of the bark into a fine powder. He slices the three purple berries in half and squeezes the juice over the powdered tree bark. He uncorks the bottle of water from the creek and he pours it into the bowl, little by little, as he stirs it with a wooden spoon. Once he has stirred in all of the water, the mixture reaches a pudding-like consistency.
"Ok," says the shaman. "You'll need to disrobe for this next part."
The man, still weak from his climb, stands up and slowly strips down to his birthday suit. The shaman stands and hands him the bowl.
"Take this."
The man looks at the contents of the bowl for a second. He asks "So do I just rub this on my penis?"
"Don't be stupid," says the shaman, as he whips out a raging nine inch erection. "It goes on your asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6ed8/a_long_joke_thick_with_details/
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I used to offend people.

I am now a registered ex-offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6dne/i_used_to_offend_people/
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A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6bfp/a_man_is_in_a_hotel_lobby/
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Guy walks into a bar...

There's a sign that says: Cheeseburgers - $1.50, Chicken Sandwich - $2.50, Hand Job - $10.00. He walks up to a very attractive barmaid and ask "Hey, are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purred, "I am." He looked her straight in the eye and said "Well, go wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6911/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did Santa get you that?

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r67kp/did_santa_get_you_that/
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Why can't dyslexic people tell jokes?

Because they always punch up the fuck line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r6176/why_cant_dyslexic_people_tell_jokes/
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Girl: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.

Guy : Awwww..Are you single ?
Girl :No, I'm a Dentist..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5ups/girl_every_time_you_smile_i_feel_like_inviting/
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How does Gandalf transmit a large amount of information from one place to another?

He uses a Shadowfax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5upn/how_does_gandalf_transmit_a_large_amount_of/
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[nsfw] A little boy walks in on his naked mother in the bedroom....

He points between her legs and asks her, "Mommy, what's that?"
She replies, "Oh, that's where Daddy hit me with the axe!"
He says, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5sez/nsfw_a_little_boy_walks_in_on_his_naked_mother_in/
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Appointing a class monitor..

*Teacher*: What do you do after school?
*1st Student*: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
*2nd Student*: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
*3rd Student*: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
*4th Student*: I always stay at home and do my homework.
*Teacher:* You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
*4th Student*: Yakobo
*Teacher*: Satan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5ruu/appointing_a_class_monitor/
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Why didn't people get laid during Communism?

The State seized the means of **re**production

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5rtq/why_didnt_people_get_laid_during_communism/
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Losing my virginity was a lot like when I first learned how to ride a bike.

My father had his hands on my shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5rrf/losing_my_virginity_was_a_lot_like_when_i_first/
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What does the crew to the enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus fighting Klingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5q1c/what_does_the_crew_to_the_enterprise_and_toilet/
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Why did Donald Trump rush to Macy's?

He heard they had Ivanka's clothes half off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5m6r/why_did_donald_trump_rush_to_macys/
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What did the Buddhist monk say when asked to leave his temple?

'Nah imma stay.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5jco/what_did_the_buddhist_monk_say_when_asked_to/
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Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track.

Police think it was race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5j1v/apparently_someone_has_been_shot_with_a_starter/
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A joke from my 8 year old cousin

How do you put a whale in a car?
You can't you idiot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5ixr/a_joke_from_my_8_year_old_cousin/
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What kind of gun does Trump own?

Nothing special. Just a small handgun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5eb0/what_kind_of_gun_does_trump_own/
%
Did you hear about the doctors' protest?

We don't know what it was about, nobody could read their signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5dt7/did_you_hear_about_the_doctors_protest/
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A guy is walking down a boardwalk...

...when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs crying.
He approaches her and says, "Are you okay?"
She says, "I'm 36 years-old, I've got no arms, no legs, and I've never been kissed."
So the man grabs her and gives her the most passionate, romantic kiss the world has ever seen. Satisfied with himself he starts to walk off when he hears her burst into tears again.
He says, "Now what's wrong?"
She says, "I'm 36 years-old, I've got no arms, no legs, and I've never been fucked."
So he picks her up, and throws her off the boardwalk and into the water and yells, "Well you're fucked now honey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5dd0/a_guy_is_walking_down_a_boardwalk/
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Why do you have an erection at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r5a0s/why_do_you_have_an_erection_at_a_funeral/
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Three men hear of a wish-granting boulder.

This boulder is rumored to be located at the top of a steep cliff, so the men set out on a rather grueling hike in order to find it. Upon arrival at the very top, they find a natural monolith of sorts, and are greeted by a booming voice.
"Greetings, travelers!" the voice says. "I am the Rock of Wonders! For your efforts in ascending to this height, I shall transform you into anything you desire! Simply throw yourself from the cliff and call out what you wish to be!"
The first of the men – easily the dumbest of the three – shows absolutely no hesitance as he rushes forward, flings himself out into the open air, and shouts "A dragon!"
There is a flash of light, and a giant, winged serpent comes flying back up. "It works!" he says. "Come on, try it!"
The second of the men thinks for a moment, then rushes forward. Upon leaping from the cliff's edge, he yells "A billionaire!" There is another flash of light, and the man's landing is cushioned by an enormous pile of cash.
Several hours pass as the third man contemplates his situation. The sun starts to set as he makes lists of animals and abstract concepts, weighing the pros and cons of each. He considers how his life might change, and what his future might hold. Eventually, he takes to pacing along the cliff's edge, trying to imagine what he'll say when he finally jumps... but in the dim light, he misjudges a step, and slips.
"Oh, *shit!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r59lo/three_men_hear_of_a_wishgranting_boulder/
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A little boy comes home from school....

and tells his father "we learned a new word at school today, Vagina"
"Daddy, they told us what a vagina is but, what does a vagina look like?"
Daddy says "Son, before sex a vagina looks like a rosebud just getting ready to bloom"
little boy asks "what does a vagina look like after sex?"
daddy replies "Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise.....?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r58n7/a_little_boy_comes_home_from_school/
%
How was Boy Scout camp?

Intents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r50es/how_was_boy_scout_camp/
%
Which side of a dog has the most hair?

The outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4ul0/which_side_of_a_dog_has_the_most_hair/
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When the Empire Strikes Back was being filmed, they considered getting rid of James Earl Jones and bringing in Hulk Hogan instead to be Darth Vader.

But they quickly decided not to when they realized the line "No Luke, I am your father, brother!" Was way too confusing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4u10/when_the_empire_strikes_back_was_being_filmed/
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My trophy wife.

20 years ago, I married a trophy wife. Today, she looks like the Stanley Cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4sgb/my_trophy_wife/
%
I'm not proud of it but I used the date rape drug last night...

All it did was make me tired. I wasn't able to get any of my raping done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4sai/im_not_proud_of_it_but_i_used_the_date_rape_drug/
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What time is best to buy condoms?

For a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4qjt/what_time_is_best_to_buy_condoms/
%
Why do italians love soccer?

Because halfway through they get to switch sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4oq4/why_do_italians_love_soccer/
%
A priest, a monk, and a Rabbi walk into a barbershop.

A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.
Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.
A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4mgs/a_priest_a_monk_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_barbershop/
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I'm so jealous of Martin Luther King Jr.

Nobody ever wants to hear stories about my weird dreams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4ko7/im_so_jealous_of_martin_luther_king_jr/
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A man was killed when his bookshelf collapsed....

Police say he had only his shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4kem/a_man_was_killed_when_his_bookshelf_collapsed/
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My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.

I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem
"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"
"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"
"Ah, bummer mate"
"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4jn8/my_wife_and_i_were_on_honeymoon_at_australia_last/
%
A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.

One student replies "G"
"Why's that Angus?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4igf/a_teacher_asks_her_class_what_their_favourite/
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A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."
The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"
The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4fc3/a_beautiful_blonde_woman_approaches_a_pharmacist/
%
I Said to this girl I like that I had two tickets for a movie

She told me to watch it twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4dh4/i_said_to_this_girl_i_like_that_i_had_two_tickets/
%
An elephant is walking through a jungle path one day when, all of a sudden...

he hears a small voice cry for help. After following the voice through the dense vegetation he finds a mouse stuck in quicksand. The mouse desperately begs the elephant for help. Knowing that the mouse will die if he does nothing, the elephant whips out his dick, tells the mouse to grab the head, and slowly backs up, pulling the mouse out of the quicksand. The mouse, being overjoyed with just being saved promises the elephant he will return the favor. The elephant simply walks away, thinking "what could a tiny mouse ever do for me".
A few days later that same mouse is walking down the same path, when he hears a loud voice cry for help. The mouse follows the voice through the jungle, only to find the same elephant stuck in the same quicksand. The elephant begs for help, pointing out that the mouse owes him. The mouse, agreeing to help, quickly runs away, only to return a few minutes later with a beautiful brand new corvette. The mouse attaches a rope to the back of the corvette, tosses the other end to the elephant, and slowly pulls the elephant out of the quicksand.
The moral of the story: if you have a big dick you don't need a corvette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4d9d/an_elephant_is_walking_through_a_jungle_path_one/
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The name's Brown, B-R-O-W-N

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6' 6", 275 pounds, white from the top of mah head to the tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."
Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane.
He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, "Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6'6", 275 pounds, white from the top of mah head to the tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."
The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do. Me name's Kelly. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 3- inches tall, 140 pounds, I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for me asshole, it's brown! Spelled B-R-O-W-N."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r4bk8/the_names_brown_brown/
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Just found out I'm colorblind...

... It came completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r49gz/just_found_out_im_colorblind/
%
I went to the doctors

about my hearing problem, and he goes can you describe the symptoms, and I said yes well homer is the fat one marge has blue hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r484e/i_went_to_the_doctors/
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What do you call porn in Bangkok?

Hen-Thai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r46z9/what_do_you_call_porn_in_bangkok/
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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian,

Then soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r45xe/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
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Why is a woman like a condom?

Because they spend more time on your wallet than on your dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r44xc/why_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
%
What's a pelican's favorite sport?

*fly* fishing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r42sf/whats_a_pelicans_favorite_sport/
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I got thrown out of an exam for masturbating

I'll never be able to look my urologist in the eye again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r420n/i_got_thrown_out_of_an_exam_for_masturbating/
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I'm starting a support group for women that can't reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3zed/im_starting_a_support_group_for_women_that_cant/
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I made a lot of stupid mistakes as a kid.

Now that I'm an adult, I'm making far more advanced and complex mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3yvk/i_made_a_lot_of_stupid_mistakes_as_a_kid/
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As I was walking through the woods I got hit in the head by some shell fragments.

I tried to ignore it but it happened a second time and then a third.
Looking up in anger I saw two squirrels that looked like they were up to no good, so I screamed up at them, "what are you trying to do start a war?!?!"
The bigger of the two looked down at me and said, "nah man, just trying to bust a nut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3xnb/as_i_was_walking_through_the_woods_i_got_hit_in/
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A New York writer is tired of all the people and noise of the big city

He believes that a quiet place will help him focus so that he can finish his novel. The man moves to an island in Northern Europe with pasture as far as the eye can see and no other houses for miles. After a year of writing he starts to feel lonely. Then, he hears a booming knock on his door. When he opens it there is a giant mountain of a man standing at his doorstep; his beard reaches to his belly and his arms are as thick as tree trunks. The huge man speaks and it sounds like thunder:
"I see you've been living here awhile and I thought you might be feeling a wee bit lonely. So, I thought I'd invite you to a party."
The writer is very intimidated by the man but the thought of this party does get him excited. He just wants some details before he agrees. He asks, "Will there be food?"
"Aye!" the giant replies, "Your gut will be next to bursting and you'll need to buy a new belt before the night is through."
"Well that sounds great, but what about drinks?" the writer asks.
The giant laughs, "Aye, you'll drink so much you'll forget your own name."
The man is starting to really get excited now, "Oh boy,  will there be dancing?"
"You'll spin and twirl all night until you can no longer stand" the giant explains.
The man, now getting into it and feeling a little bold asks, "What about sex?"
"Of course!" the giant yells, "All kinds of hair pulling, squealing like a pig sex that will make you walk weird for a month!"
The man is now practically glowing with excitement, "Oh wow, that sounds like a blast. Do you need me to bring anything?"
The giant then leans down and says, "No I think I should have enough. It will just be the two of us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3wgh/a_new_york_writer_is_tired_of_all_the_people_and/
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I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3w77/ive_been_watching_so_much_porn_lately/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive..

they would eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3u3e/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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How do you find the opposite of what you are looking for on Reddit?

Use the search bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3to7/how_do_you_find_the_opposite_of_what_you_are/
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Food from Jerusalem may not be the best

But Israeli good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3ssj/food_from_jerusalem_may_not_be_the_best/
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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One, because they are efficient and have no sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3qit/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What do you call a man with no penis?

Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t cum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3qfy/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_penis/
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TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3q64/til_of_a_reality_show_where_the_goal_is_to_do_as/
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It's been 5 months since my best friend drowned in a river in Egypt.

....and he's still in denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3po3/its_been_5_months_since_my_best_friend_drowned_in/
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Little Johnny is sitting in class

And the teacher is going over the alphabet. Knowing the kind of kid Johnny is, the teacher is careful about when to pick him to answer a question. "We will be going over the alphabet today so let's start with the letter A. Can someone tell me a word that starts with A?" asked the teacher. Every hand in the room flies up ready to answer, including Johnny's. The teacher knows all to well that Johnny knows a dirty word that starts with "A" so she picks Susie. "Apple, A is for Apple." Replies Susie. The teacher tells her good job and moves to the letter B. "Next is the letter B, can someone tell me a word that starts with the letter B?" Asked the teacher. Again, the room is filled with hands high in the air. The teacher thinks to herself, I know that Johnny would call me a Bitch for the letter B so I will definitely steer clear of him on this one. So she picks Billy. "Billy, your name starts with a B, so can you tell me another word that starts with B?" "Banana, B is for Banana." replies Billy proudly. The teacher says, "Good job Billy." The teacher goes through the entire alphabet when she comes to the letter Z. By this time, Johnny is furious. He has raised his hand for every letter and the teacher has been ducking him every time. The teacher thinks to herself, "Z, Z, Z, I can't think of anything that Johnny could possibly say that is bad and starts with the letter Z." So she picks Johnny. "FINALLY!" says Johnny as he has been waiting his turn. "Zebra." Answers Johnny. The teacher takes a breath of relief and just as she is saying good job, little Johnny stands up with his arms stretched out wide and yells, "WITH A DICK THIS BIG!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3ovf/little_johnny_is_sitting_in_class/
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The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement.

They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body.
The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes and the top of his head. Six feet. He walked outside with a check of $ 720,000.
The second asked to be measured between his outstretched hands and his toes. Eight feet. He walked outside with a check of $ 960,000.
Meanwhile, the first general had been informed. And when asked the third general where they had to measure, he said: "From the top of my penis to the bottom of my balls." "Good," said the man, "but then I'll pick up a medical officer."
The medical officer ordered: "Put your pants down!" And the general did this. The officer placed the start of the ribbon gauge against the tip of his penis and began to work underneath. "Jesus", he said, "where are your balls?"
"In Vietnam", the general replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3j8r/the_pentagon_found_that_it_employed_too_many/
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What is Russia's national dish?

Empty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3gy3/what_is_russias_national_dish/
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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada…

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.
After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.
He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"
The barman says, "It's a Moose."
The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r3epr/this_scottish_bloke_goes_on_a_skiing_holiday_to/
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What's faster, thunder or light?

Teacher: Pepe, what's faster thunder or light ?
*pepe thinks for a little and answers*
Pepe: diarrhea is faster
Teacher : why do you say that, Pepe ??
Pepe: because the other day I ran faster than thunder to the restroom, turned on the light and I had already shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r383k/whats_faster_thunder_or_light/
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Anyone know the score in the Nigeria Ethiopia footy match?

Nigeria 8 - Ethiopia Didn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r37u4/anyone_know_the_score_in_the_nigeria_ethiopia/
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The perfect shot.

A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r375e/the_perfect_shot/
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What do you call an overconfident rooster?

**Cocky**
Thank you I will unfortunately be here all week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r34hc/what_do_you_call_an_overconfident_rooster/
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Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?

His Mummy.
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r31fa/who_does_a_pharaoh_talk_to_when_hes_sad/
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What do dinosaurs use to pay their bills?

Tyrannosaurus Checks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r31d5/what_do_dinosaurs_use_to_pay_their_bills/
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What is the difference between organic fried chicken and GMO fried chicken?

It's CRISPR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r2xh6/what_is_the_difference_between_organic_fried/
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I like my numbers like I like my women...

My favourite number is seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r2wbr/i_like_my_numbers_like_i_like_my_women/
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To all the naysayers...

...you don't no me like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r2vy4/to_all_the_naysayers/
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A completely drunk man gets on the bus.

He sees a woman and mumbles to her:
- Excuse me, you remind me of my wife.
She says: "Sit down, you fucking soak!"
- Oh, you even sound like her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r2uvp/a_completely_drunk_man_gets_on_the_bus/
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A Dog and a Leopard

A man decided to go on a safari. He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, “Oh boy, I’m in deep stuff now.” Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog’s ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Hop on my back, monkey, and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine. “Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “Oh boy, it looks like I’ve really had it now.”
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn’t seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says… “Where is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he’s still not back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r2hs4/a_dog_and_a_leopard/
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Sometimes whenever I watch an underwater scene in a movie I try to hold my breath as long as the characters do to see if I'd survive in that situation.

I almost died watching Finding Nemo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r2e5a/sometimes_whenever_i_watch_an_underwater_scene_in/
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A man drunkenly staggers out of a bar.

It's just before closing for the bar, and there's a policeman waiting outside. He sees the man, who is obviously drunk, stumble to a car and get in. The policeman decides he will bust this guy for drunk driving as soon as he pulls away.
A few minutes pass. Other patrons exit the bar and drive off, but none look nearly as drunk as the first one. When the car the policeman is watching starts up and begins driving away, the policeman quickly pulls it over.
The policeman tells the drunk, "Sir, I'm going to have to do a breathalyzer test on you."
The drunk obliges, and much to the officer's surprise, the breathalyzer reads a zero. He tries again, knowing it must be a fluke, but again the instrument reads zero.
Puzzled, the policeman asks the man, "What bullshit are you pulling on me here?"
The man replies, "I didn't have a drop to drink tonight, officer. I'm the Designated Decoy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r2dhg/a_man_drunkenly_staggers_out_of_a_bar/
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Neighbor's Rabbit

I came home from work to find my dog playing with a fluffy toy, tossing it in the air, rolling on in, etc.  A closer check revealed the toy to be my neighbour's pet rabbit.
&nbsp;
There was already a bit of tension between us and the neighbours, so I didn't want them to know my dog had killed their pet.  I took the rabbit inside and cleaned him up.  Not badly damaged, his fur looked okay, once the dog slobber and dirt was removed.
&nbsp;
Nobody was home next door, so I sneaked into the backyard and carefully propped the rabbit up in its hutch.  It looked pretty good, apart from the fact that it was dead.
&nbsp;
About an hour later I heard the lady next door arrive home, then a scream.  I put my head over the fence and calmly inquired, what was wrong.  She was a bit hysterical and sobbing and just kept saying, "my rabbit, my rabbit . . . ".
&nbsp;
I said oh, has he died.
&nbsp;
She said, he died two days ago and we buried him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r2deu/neighbors_rabbit/
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Jews and Chimneysweeps.

After the assassination of Tsar Alexander II of Russia, a government official in Ukraine menacingly addressed the local rabbi,
"I suppose you know in full detail who was behind it."
"Ach," the rabbi replied, "I have no idea, but the government's conclusion will be the same as always: they will blame the Jews and the chimneysweeps."
"Why the chimneysweeps?" asked the befuddled official.
"Why the Jews?" responded the rabbi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r28oh/jews_and_chimneysweeps/
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Why do blind people never sky dive?

Because it scares the shit out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r27q9/why_do_blind_people_never_sky_dive/
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EA Games and Shitty Prostitutes are similar

Both blow you off with shitty deals and not enough action.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r23za/ea_games_and_shitty_prostitutes_are_similar/
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My GF told me she was pregnant and asked me what I wanted it to be.

I said a Joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r21f7/my_gf_told_me_she_was_pregnant_and_asked_me_what/
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I'm sorry and I apologize normally mean the same thing

Except at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r215y/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_normally_mean_the_same/
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A Toasting Contest

The first to toast starts, "Here's to music! It helps the liquor to go down smooth !"
A few men raise their glasses, "hear, hear!"
The second goes, "Here's to alcohol! It keeps the men warm and keeps the women looking pretty!"
More men reply, "HEAR, HEAR!"
The third man leaps up on the table, "ERE'S to the only thing better than music and alcohol, making hot, dirty love to the missus back 'ome!!"
The bar errupts in laughter and cheers, and the man is declared the winner.
He returns home with his trophy, gives his wife a kiss on the cheek, and shows her the trophy, explaining the contest
"Well what was your toast?" She asks.
"I said, 'ere's to my lovely wife, nothing beats holing her hand as we walk into church on sunday."
The next day, the man's wife was approached by one of the women in town, "did you hear about your husband's toast last night?" The woman asked.
"I sure did, but he sure is silly, it only ever happens twice a year and I have to pull him by the ear to get him to come!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r215a/a_toasting_contest/
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What's the difference between Richard Nixon and Trump??

Nixon had a problem with Kissinger -- Donald had a problem with Grabbing-her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r20ye/whats_the_difference_between_richard_nixon_and/
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So my wife was standing in front of a mirror, "I looks so fat, and old, and ugly."

"Yeah," I said, "but your eyesight is damn near perfect!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r20a4/so_my_wife_was_standing_in_front_of_a_mirror_i/
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How do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1yfw/how_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
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I'm single by choice

Not my choice, but a choice nonetheless 😭

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1vsf/im_single_by_choice/
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At first I was like, why didn't I take that last hit?

Then I remembered why I didn't remember why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1u2i/at_first_i_was_like_why_didnt_i_take_that_last_hit/
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Dollar for a dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirty joke." Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?"
Me: "John"
Homeless man: "So Johnny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have."
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: "I don't know? A lot?"
Homeless man: "Well Johnny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1qhp/dollar_for_a_dirty_joke/
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I wear camouflage condoms

So they can't see me coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1pze/i_wear_camouflage_condoms/
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A woman and baby are in the doctor's clinic

The doc is concerned about the baby's weight, "Is he bottle fed or breast fed?
The woman replies, "Breast fed."
The doc gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts. He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both breasts for a while ...  "No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk."
Woman replies, "I know, Im his granny ... but Im glad I came!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1o0f/a_woman_and_baby_are_in_the_doctors_clinic/
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Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.

He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything'.
Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson's Nails!'.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1nz4/wilson_runs_a_nail_factory_and_decides_his/
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A friend of mine got a cheap circumcision.

He said it was a rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1nns/a_friend_of_mine_got_a_cheap_circumcision/
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A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair

"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take."
A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in.
Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks.
"Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says.
"Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says.
"Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1ngd/a_woman_walks_into_a_saloon_and_stands_on_a_chair/
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Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis

Lady asks, "What are you supposed to be?"
He says, "I'm a fireman."
"But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman.
He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass." Pull knob and I'll cum as fast as I can!"
Edit : Costume party, not fancy dress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1m75/man_goes_to_a_fancy_dress_party_wearing_only_a/
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If I had a pimple for every time a child told me about my acne

I’d look like I do now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1leg/if_i_had_a_pimple_for_every_time_a_child_told_me/
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The whole pack

This guy caught me having sex with his daughter, and he was furious.
He said, "I'm not going to go easy on you, son. Nobody ever went easy on me. When I was a kid, my father caught me smoking a cigarette, and he made me smoke the whole pack right in front of him.  When my mother caught me drinking whisky from the cabinet, she made me drink the entire bottle down to the last drop."
I said, "I think I see where you're going with this. How many kids do you have?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1jpm/the_whole_pack/
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Two boys were peeing up a wall, the first boy looks at the second and says "Why does your thing look different than mine?"

The second boy says " I've been circumsized "
And the first boy asked "What's that?"
the second boy replies " Well on the day I was born they cut the skin off"
The first boy says " Oh my god! Did it hurt"
And the second boy replies  " DID IT HURT!! I couldn't walk for eighteen months!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1jpe/two_boys_were_peeing_up_a_wall_the_first_boy/
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Planning on wearing a slutty costume for Halloween?

Dress as my professors, they barely cover anything important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1hr0/planning_on_wearing_a_slutty_costume_for_halloween/
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A guy goes to the council to apply for a job

A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
From: James Cullinane Cully

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1djl/a_guy_goes_to_the_council_to_apply_for_a_job/
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2 blind pilots

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1dhl/2_blind_pilots/
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An Irish man and a Mormon sat next to each other on a plane.

The flight attendant comes and asks the Irish man if he wants a drink. He asks for a whiskey and the drink is promptly placed in front of him.
The flight attendant asks the Mormon:
"Do you want an alcoholic drink too?"
The Mormon responds:
"I would rather be assaulted by a dozen whores than have alcohol touch my lips."
The Irish man interrupts saying:
"In that case take my drink back. I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1biw/an_irish_man_and_a_mormon_sat_next_to_each_other/
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Satan's Test

A rapist, thief, and murderer are standing in front of Satan as he sits on his throne.
"I've summoned you three here because I was feeling a bit kind today. I'll give each of you a chance to leave Hell. All you have to do is pass my test," Satan says. Of course, he designed his test such that it should be impossible to pass.
"Here are the conditions," Satan continues. "I'll give each of you 24 hours back on Earth. In those 24 hours, you must find one object that would not melt when placed in my hand. If you are successful, you will be placed back on Earth to live your lives anew. If you fail, you will stay here in Hell forever, and will be tortured more than any of the other souls here."
The three immediately accept the terms of Satan's test; a chance to leave Hell and return to Earth is too good a deal to pass up. Satan then sends them back to Earth to begin their search.
After 24 hours, the rapist, thief, and murderer are summoned back in front of Satan.
"Your time is up. Now show me what you were able to find," Satan commands, as he reaches down with an open hand.
The rapist places a rosary in Satan's palm. "This was blessed by the Pope, and so it should not melt in your hand!"
Satan closes his hand and squeezes. He opens his hand after a few seconds to reveal that the rosary had melted. The rapist is banished to the depths of Hell for all eternity.
Next up is the thief. He places a strange metal cube in Satan's hand. "This is the rarest and hardest object on Earth. It wouldn't melt even if placed on the surface of the Sun! I am definitely getting out of here!"
Satan closes his hand and squeezes. He squeezes harder. He opens his hand a few seconds later to reveal that even the thief's cube has melted. The thief is banished to the depths of Hell for all eternity.
The murderer then walks up to Satan slowly, getting something from his pocket. He places a little red circular object in Satan's hand. Satan scoffs at how insignificant and useless the murderer's chosen object looks.
"Hah, were you even trying?!" Satan booms. He closes his hand and squeezes hard. He opens up his hand, and the tiny red object is still there. Perplexed, Satan closes his hand once more, squeezing even harder. He opens his hand to reveal that the tiny red object is still there! He tries this a few more times until he gives up.
"You! What did you bring me? This test was supposed to be impossible to pass! Surely, no object from Earth would not melt in my hand!"
"Satan," the murderer says. "M&M'S melt in your mouth, not in your hand!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1ay0/satans_test/
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Blind Golfers

One day out on a golf course, a team of policemen, firemen, and engineers were getting ready to tee off, when another team of all blind golfers, who never shot above par, asked if they could go first. The policemen said, "we're impressed that you can golf blind, sure go ahead." The firemen said, "your inspiration to keep doing what you enjoy even though you can't see. Sure, you can go." The engineers said, "can't you just golf at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r1ajo/blind_golfers/
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A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say,but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r190u/a_young_man_with_his_pants_hanging_half_off_his/
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Turner Brown Long NSFW

Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at
the Irishman and says: "7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds
of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor. The
big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.....The big guy
says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd
just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks
me................  I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20
inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner
Brown"
The little white Irishman says:
"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said,"Turn around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r181e/turner_brown_long_nsfw/
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A man walks into a bar

and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."
The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happend, and his friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r16s0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I forgot to pay the exorcist...

...so I got repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r12v6/i_forgot_to_pay_the_exorcist/
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Someone gave me a box of dead batteries...

...at least they were free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r12pm/someone_gave_me_a_box_of_dead_batteries/
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How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None.  They just beat the shit out of the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r11a8/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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At the community swimming pool I met a fellow swimming that had no arms or legs.

I said, " Excuse me sir, but I think it's amazing what you're doing there!  Do you mind telling me how you lost all your limbs?"
He said, "Oh, I lost them in the war.  I was a Sergeant and I jumped on an IED to save my squad.  My body armor saved my life but it didn't cover everything."
I said, "Oh wow, you're a true hero Sergeant...."
He said, "Thanks, but you don't have to call me Sergeant anymore, now it's just Bob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r0yil/at_the_community_swimming_pool_i_met_a_fellow/
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What starts with H, ends with S, and can be found below my waist and above my legs?

Handcuffs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r0w3l/what_starts_with_h_ends_with_s_and_can_be_found/
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I looked through my son's internet history and found out that we masturbate to the same material.

His girlfriend's Facebook photos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r0uug/i_looked_through_my_sons_internet_history_and/
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My buddy was asking me what my favorite body type for a woman is. I said, "Just call me Dithturbed..."

"cause I am down with the thiccness!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r0n5u/my_buddy_was_asking_me_what_my_favorite_body_type/
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I like my deli meat how I like my women

Thin and shaved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r0mrc/i_like_my_deli_meat_how_i_like_my_women/
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I went hiking today

Me: That's a huge rock.
Friend: Boulder.
Me: **That's a huge rock.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r0mky/i_went_hiking_today/
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If I ever get fat...

I'm gonna post before and after photos on the internet. I'll just flip them, so everyone tells me how amazing I used to look.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r0i9x/if_i_ever_get_fat/
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How do you track the reproductive cycle of pachyderms?

With the Periodic Table of Elephants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r0hda/how_do_you_track_the_reproductive_cycle_of/
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What does Professor Balls call his quizzes?

Quizies.
What does Proffesor Balls call his tests?
Testes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r0bpq/what_does_professor_balls_call_his_quizzes/
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Did you know diarrhea is hereditary!?

It runs in your jeans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r0aap/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r08aq/how_did_rihanna_find_out_chris_brown_was_cheating/
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What's the similarity between the moon landings and the holocaust?

They both use a lot of gas to send people far away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r08ai/whats_the_similarity_between_the_moon_landings/
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Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6r07e4/due_to_inherit_a_fortune_when_his_sickly_father/
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I have the heart of a lion

And that is why I'm banned from all zoos within a 100 mile radius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzzk9/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzysw/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.

When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzyea/i_expected_a_call_last_night_so_i_slept_with_my/
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Black jokes are just like Mexican jokes...

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzy8d/black_jokes_are_just_like_mexican_jokes/
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A communist girl thought I was cute.

Next thing I know she seized my means of reproduction!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzso2/a_communist_girl_thought_i_was_cute/
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A mexican woman goes into labor, and then passes out...

a few hours later, she wakes up in the hospital and finds out that she has given birth to perfectly healthy twin baby boys. "Since you were unconscious while your children were born, your husband named both of your children for you", the doctor informs her. "Oh no!", exclaims the woman, "my husband is an idiot! Did he name the children something stupid?" "Well, the first child's name is Juan", says the doctor. "That's not so bad," she says, "but what did he name the second child?"
"Two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzsig/a_mexican_woman_goes_into_labor_and_then_passes/
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If I have 10 cookies and you take 5, what do you have?

A broken hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzrxp/if_i_have_10_cookies_and_you_take_5_what_do_you/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last very long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzq3e/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done!  My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!  You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you & your secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzq04/a_lawyer_representing_a_wealthy_art_collector/
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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Comcast has received a notification by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, reporting an alleged infringement of one or more copyrighted works made on or over Comcast's High-Speed Internet service (the 'Service'). The copyright owner has identified the Internet Protocol ('IP') address associated with your Service account at the time as the source of the infringing works. The works identified by the copyright owner in its notification are listed below. Comcast reminds you that use of the Service (or any part of the Service) in any manner that constitutes an infringement of any copyrighted work is a violation of Comcast's Acceptable Use Policy and may result in the suspension or termination of your Service account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qznvo/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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I didn't know that when I became an adult everyone would make FRIENDS references...

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzmdp/i_didnt_know_that_when_i_became_an_adult_everyone/
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Not caving into peer pressure can be tough but i always walk away from it.

Which has been a lot easier since the DUI i got the night everyone tried to convince me to 'take a cab home'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzlau/not_caving_into_peer_pressure_can_be_tough_but_i/
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How did the farmer find his sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying ;)
(Sorry if this has been here but it was new to me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzkc9/how_did_the_farmer_find_his_sheep_in_the_tall/
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Students are excited to attend the geology class at the local school.

They say it totally rocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzk8e/students_are_excited_to_attend_the_geology_class/
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I can tolerate many drawing tools...

But straightedges are where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzhfr/i_can_tolerate_many_drawing_tools/
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What's worse than finding a fly in you soup?

Getting hit by a bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzgzg/whats_worse_than_finding_a_fly_in_you_soup/
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My wife told me I could never make a car out of spaghetti...

Well, you should've seen her face as I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzesq/my_wife_told_me_i_could_never_make_a_car_out_of/
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"Mommy why do I have eleven fingers?"

"Just ask your uncle, uh I mean your father!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzegl/mommy_why_do_i_have_eleven_fingers/
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You know Gandhi...

Gandhi walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
In other words, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzebc/you_know_gandhi/
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A circus train derailed catastrophically (I hope this isn't a repost)...

...and many lives were lost, both animal and human.  One clown who was on the train had his penis severed from his body, but luckily the surgeons were able to replace it with the trunk of a dead elephant.
Once fully recovered,  the man went on a date.  Everything was going smoothly until the trunk emerged from under the table cloth, snatched a roll from the table, then disappeared again.  The woman sitting across the table was in awe.
"Can you do that again?" she asked.
"Sure can, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzdsg/a_circus_train_derailed_catastrophically_i_hope/
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Newton, Galileo, and Pascal walk into a bar...

They sit down at a table and order drinks, the server tells them it will be a few minutes.
Newton suggests playing a game while they wait.
Pascal says, "how about hide and seek?"
Galileo agrees excitedly, "you two go hide, I will stay here and count to ten."
He closes his eyes and begins counting.
Pascal jumps up from his seat, and runs through the bar to find a place to hide.
Newton stands up beside the table, pulls out a piece of chalk from his pocket and proceeds to draw a square around himself; one metre by one metre.
When Galileo is finished counting he opens his eyes to see Newton standing calmly, staring at him.
"Hah," exclaims Galileo, "I found you Newton!"
To which Newton replies, "no you didn't, you found Pascal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzbyx/newton_galileo_and_pascal_walk_into_a_bar/
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Told my friend I was going to start watching Doctor Who...

...He said it was about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qzbrj/told_my_friend_i_was_going_to_start_watching/
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Why is it common practice for sumo wrestlers to shave?

So they don't get mistaken for a feminist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qz9ez/why_is_it_common_practice_for_sumo_wrestlers_to/
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What do you get when paper towels fall asleep?

Napkins!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qz9bq/what_do_you_get_when_paper_towels_fall_asleep/
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I used one of the first vacums ever invented today

It kind of sucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qz5xb/i_used_one_of_the_first_vacums_ever_invented_today/
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Experiment made by Russian scientist Vazilikyev Karaazuruvsky reveals shocking information

Nobody reads Russian names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qz4d9/experiment_made_by_russian_scientist_vazilikyev/
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What does a nihilistic Borg say?

Existence is futile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qyzt3/what_does_a_nihilistic_borg_say/
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I've finally decided to never get married. The minute I met any of my girlfriends parents they hated me immediately, and I'm always extra polite,

"nice to meet you, I'm Joe King."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qyzq9/ive_finally_decided_to_never_get_married_the/
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How do you get a poor man off the streets?

Pick him up and put him on the sidewalks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qyzl5/how_do_you_get_a_poor_man_off_the_streets/
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Blonde joke

A blonde is speeding down the highway and notices the flashing lights of a police car behind her. She slows down and pulls over to wait for the police officer, who also happens to be a blonde.
The police officer asks her for her driver's license. The driver says:"I'm not sure what that is... what does it look like?"
Police officer:"It's a little square and it has your picture on it."
Driver: Reaches into the glove compartment and pulls out her compact, looks at her self in the mirror, seems satisfied and hands it to the officer.
Police officer:"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were police officer! Have a nice day. You can go now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qyoxf/blonde_joke/
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What do call a KKK member that steals your car right in front of you?

Cracker Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qyojy/what_do_call_a_kkk_member_that_steals_your_car/
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A Dr reaches into his smock for a pen and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Damn it, some asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qyo77/a_dr_reaches_into_his_smock_for_a_pen_and_pulls/
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Funny how when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

...but when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qyn9m/funny_how_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_tons_of_girls/
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[OC] Swimmer Michael Phelps vs. the robot

The year was 2019.  Michael Phelps, retired swimmer, was starting to see the spotlight again.
Rumors were starting to circulate that he was going to come out of retirement for one last swim-- the 2020 Olympic games.
Nobody knew for sure.  The one thing that anybody knew, though, was that everything would change with the accident.
On a rather unremarkable Thursday, a semi-truck carrying 4 tons of sweet potatoes suffered a failure in its autodrive system.
Instead of swerving right to avoid a gopher in the road (which it was supposed to do), the semi swerved left into oncoming traffic.
The investigation would later reveal that the software in question was written by a drunkard who forgot to spell check his work.
"Left" was misspelled as "Loft", which was a non-sensical word, triggering a fall to the "Right" command execution flow below.  And, instead of thinking a hazard was on the left, it thought the hazard was on the right. These were the series of events that led to the accident with the driver in the left lane.  Sadly, that driver was none other than Michael Phelps.
The impact of the accident was bad enough to send sweet potatoes flying up to fifty feet, damaging windshields and scaring a wayward cow.
The damage to Michael Phelps was far worse.  He was hit head-on, and was almost killed (by metal, not by a sweet potato or a frightened cow).
He was lucky to walk away... well, technically "crawl" away.  Unfortunately, he lost both of his legs.
It was at that point that things seemed to be all over for Michael Phelps.  His return to Olympic swimming was over... or so he thought.
With the 2020 summer Olympic games fast approaching, a strange new entry was turning heads in all manner of pre-Olympic events.
His name was Simon-- and he was an android built by Google.  He was competing in the Paralympics.
People wondered how Simon was even allowed to compete, but Google was able to show that the android had human components.
The brain contained soft tissue from Tom Selleck and J.J. Abrams.  The body contained actual bone-- donated from a lady who once played a Mermaid in a TV drama.
And, the heart-- well, that was definitely metal.  The cold, dead, heart of a robot... and a winner.
It was about this time that a despondent Michael Phelps was going through physical therapy.  He was told he may never swim again.
He had lost all hope-- until he heard about Simon.  If a Tom-Selleck-mermaid-Abrams bot could compete in the paralympics, why couldn't he?
So, he fashioned the greatest of robotic legs ever seen-- made out of Titanium and love.
Michael Phelps started out slowly, doing small paddling exercises in the pool in his house.  After a few weeks, he could do a lap, although slow.
A few months passed, and he was back up to near his prime.  And, this is when he submitted his bid for the Paralympics-- and qualified.
Of course, Simon qualified too.
Michael Phelps had qualified for three events.  The 100 meter butterfly, the 200 meter butterfly, and the 200 meter freestyle.
Coincidentally, those were the same events that Simon had qualified for.  It was going to be intense.
Their first competition together was the 100 meter butterfly.  Google set Simon into the water, and Michael gritted his teeth.
Things got intense.  The gun went off!  It was neck and neck for the first 50 meters.  Suddenly, Simon pulled past Michael at the halfway point!
But Michael found a last inner pull of human strength, pulling like he never had in his life.  He pulled past Simon, and won!
He beat Simon by two seconds!
The Google engineers did not take too kindly to this, and pulled Simon's body out of the water.  They had a plan.
The next day, Michael Phelps entered the water.  Google brought back Simon, and unveiled something... different.
Simon was wearing nose-plugs.
Confused, Michael asked the engineer why the sudden change.  He replied "well, we found a leak.  Simon gets water in his nose, and that's how you beat him."
Dismayed, Michael focused on the task at hand as they lowered Simon into the water.  This was a big event-- the 200 meter butterfly.
The gun went off!  It was neck and neck for the first 50 meters.  Then, Simon took the lead.  At 100 meters, Michael Phelps had a perfect push off the wall.
He made up time, and caught up to Simon.  The same thing happened at the 150 meter mark-- Simon pushed ahead, and then Michael Phelps pushed off beautifully.
It was neck and neck with only ten meters to go when Michael lunged ahead with all of his human strenght.  He won!  This time, he only beat Simon by a half a second.
The Google engineers were furious.  They yanked a dripping Simon out of the water, and left.  Tomorrow would be their day!
And then, it was time.  The great 200 meter freestyle race.  Michael Phelps left the locker room, intensely focused.  When he looked around, sure enough, he saw Simon.
This time, he was wearing a streamlined swimmers cap.  "What's that?"  asked Michael.
The engineer replied. "THAT, my friend, is a swimmer's cap.  But, not any swimmer's cap.  This one is made very tight-- so tight that it pushes the components of Simon's brain together so that they can connect faster and give him the win."
Michael Phelps studied it.  "That doesn't make any sense.  Swimmers need to be properly fitted for their cap.  If it's too small, it'll cause blood-flow problems.  If it's too big, it'll fall off.  Mine had to be custom fitted."
The engineer sneered.  "There you go, throwing away money.  A tighter cap is better.  You'll see."
They took their places in the water.  This time, Phelps was right next to Simon.  It almost looked like Simon was... goading him?  No-- it couldn't be.
But, the distraction took hold of Michael Phelps just long enough for him to miss the starting gun.  He started two seconds late!
The 200 meter freestyle race started out as an embarrassment.  And, Michael Phelps dug deep inside, pulling to catch up to Simon.
At 50 meters, he was still behind.
At 100 meters, he was still behind.
At 150 meters, he did a perfect push off the wall and was still behind.
At 190 meters, he was going to lose.  Until...
Until a funny thing happened.
Simon shorted out.  Thankfully, the electronic components didn't kill anyone in the pool!  Simon's body stopped, mid stride, and floated up to the surface.
Meanwhile, Michael passed him, going for gold.  His hand touched the landing and... he won!  The audience cheered.
He caught his breath, and then looked back at Simon, trying to figure out what happened.  And, that's when he noticed it.
Simon's head had caved in.  He floated on his side, immobile, as the engineers rushed to get a pole to pull him out of the water.
Michael Phelps thought for a minute.  "Ah!", he said.  "Capsize".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qykdb/oc_swimmer_michael_phelps_vs_the_robot/
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Google pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, and thick crust
- OK! Yes, that's it...
- May I suggest you add ricotta, arugula and sun-dry tomato?
- No, I don't want vegetables
- But your cholesterol is very high
- How do you know that?
- Through your opt-in to our daily specials email. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want extras on my pizza, I am medicated for the condition
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Meds4U dot com
- I bought more from another supplier
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per your 2017 Tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared income source
-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm going to an Island without internet or phone and no one to spy on me
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it expired 5 weeks ago..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qyitb/google_pizza/
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What do you call a country that makes money from selling LSD?

A Halluci-nation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qyia2/what_do_you_call_a_country_that_makes_money_from/
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A Pirate Ship is attacked by a similar sized ship

Before the impending battle begins, the captain says to his crew mate, "Bring me me red shirt." The crew fought gallantly, and won. After the battle, the crew mate asks his captain, "Sir, why did you ask for thy red shirt?" The captain responds, "so that way, if I was wounded in battle, the crew wouldn't realize and continue fighting bravely." The crew mate says, "Wow! That's really a good idea." A few days later, a huge navy ship approaches to defeat the pirates. The ship was armed with hundreds of cannons and thousands of crewmen. Te captain quickly turns to his crew mate and says, "Bring me my brown pants..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qyhwc/a_pirate_ship_is_attacked_by_a_similar_sized_ship/
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The Priest's Horse

So, a man is travelling through the Midwest and is attempting to get two villages over to meet a friend.
By the time he has reached the first village he is running very late. He stops at the stables in the first village and asks to borrow a horse that he will return on his way home. The local priest is tending to his horse at the time and says the man may borrow it.
The vicar says that to start the horse you must say, “Thank God” and to bring it to a halt you must say “Amen”.
The man gets on the horse and says “Thank God” to get the horse going.
So, the man sets off and heads towards the next town over. All is going well, the horse has picked up speed and is making up time.
However the Horse starts to gain more and more momentum and soon it is barrelling across the landscape at full speed. The horse just gets faster and faster and on the horizon a huge cliff appears, the horse charging towards it.
The man racks his brain for how to stop the horse but just cannot remember. All the while the horse gets closer and closer to the edge.
Suddenly the man remembers.
“AMEN, AMEN, AMEN” he exclaims
The horse comes skidding to a halt right on the edge of the cliff.
“Oh, thank god” he sighs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qycer/the_priests_horse/
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A blonde calls the front desk of her hotel in a panic.

"Help! I'm trapped in my room!" she says. "How do I get out?"
The clerk at the front desk says, "just go out the door."
"I tried," she says "but one just leads to the bathroom, and the other has a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qy97t/a_blonde_calls_the_front_desk_of_her_hotel_in_a/
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A psychic Dwarf has escaped from the prison!!!

Police are looking for a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qy53e/a_psychic_dwarf_has_escaped_from_the_prison/
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Why is leather armour better for sneaking than steel armour?

Leather armour is made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qy3pe/why_is_leather_armour_better_for_sneaking_than/
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So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota.
They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.
"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"
"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind of stereo do you have in it?"  Asks Ronnie.
"Why I have a blaupunkt 3500, best you can buy"
'Oh" says Ronnie, "You know, that’s actually last year’s model, this year they came out with the 5500, which is what I have"
'Huh" says Mel, "Well, check out my all Corinthian leather seats"
"Well" says Ronnie, "Corinthian leather was good a few years ago, but I just had Vulcan leather put in mine, check em out"
'Huh" says Mel, "Well, check out my new Bridgestone 6000 tires, cool eh?”
"Gee" say Ronnie, "You should talk to your mechanic, they recalled them, and replaced them with the 8800's, like mine"
And then Ronnie adds, "So let me ask you Mel, do you have a bed in the back of your car?"
"Wha?" Says Mel, "No I don't have a bed in the back of my car."
"Well" Says Ronnie, "Check it out - king sized bed in the back seat of my 2003 Toyota"
And Mel gets out of his car, goes up to Ronnie’s and leans in and sure enough there is a massive King sized bed in the back of Ronnie’s car.  He looks at the outside of the car, and its small, look inside and there is a king sized bed.
'Huh?' thinks Mel
Just then the light turns green and Ronnie says "Ok, see ya" and drives off.
And this drives Mel just about crazy. He starts telling all his friends and family about the king sized bed in the back of Ronnie’s car and they all think he has gone mad.
So Mel starts calling auto shops and asking if they could put a king sized bed into the back of his jag, and they all just laugh at him and hang up on him.  But Mel soldiers on, he starts calling auto shops further and further away until finally he calls "Uncle Bobs Garage and fine Detailing" shop in Watsonville California.
"Hello" Says the guy answering the phone, "Uncle Bobs Garage and fine Detailing, Dave speaking, what I can do for you?"
"Hi" Says Mel, "This is going to sound odd, but can you put a bed into the back of my Jag?"
"You bet” Says Dave "Bring it in on Tuesday and we'll get that in there for you"
Finally! Mel is delighted and he immediately drives from Toronto Ontario to Watsonville California, (about 40 hours of driving I might add) gets the work done, pays the guy, and drives home as happy as a clam.
Months go by.  And finally, Mel gets his chance.  He is driving along and he sees Ronnie’s 2003 Toyota parked by the side of the road.  Mel stops his car jumps out and goes over to Ronnie’s, But, the windows are a little steamed up, there is a gentle rocking motion of the car, and Mel is a little concerned with should he disturb him or not. So Mel waits a couple of minutes until he can't stand it anymore and taps the window.  Nothing happens.  He taps it again only a little louder. A few seconds go by and then Ronnie rolls down the window, a little bit of steam escapes from the car, and there is Ronnie wearing nothing but a bath towel.
"Hey Ronnie!" Says Mel “Guess what? I got a bed in the back of my car! Just like you, come on check it out"
'Oh' Says Ronnie, "You got me out of my shower just to tell me that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qy3fz/so_my_rich_brother_in_law_bought_a_jag_and_one/
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"Jack, you spend too much time on your walkie talkie, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qxrml/jack_you_spend_too_much_time_on_your_walkie/
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Retraction

The following headline appeared in the daily newspaper and threw the city hall into an uproar:  "Half the city council are crooks."
A retraction in full was demanded of the editor under the threat of a libel suit.  Next afternoon, the headline read, "Half the city council aren't crooks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qxn60/retraction/
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What did Tyrion call the passage he built to smuggle whores into Casterly Rock?

Hoe-door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qxkde/what_did_tyrion_call_the_passage_he_built_to/
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A Pregnant Woman Is Waiting In Line At A Bank

While waiting in line a robber comes in and shoots the woman three times in the chest. She is quickly rushed to the hospital where she is treated immediately. However the doctor tells her that the bullets cannot be removed and that each of her children would have a bullet in them.
A few months past and the woman gives birth to triplets, 2 girls and 1 boy. Years pass and when all of the kids are playing outside, one of the girls comes inside and says "Mommy, I just pooped a bullet!" The mother then tells the story of how she was shot while at the bank.
A few hours later the second girl comes inside and says "Mommy, I just pooped a bullet!" The mother then begins to explain the story of how she was shot at the bank a second time.
A few hours pass and her son comes inside to also tell her something. The mother says "Let me guess you pooped a bullet?" The boy replies with a grin "No, I was masturbating outside and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qxjqp/a_pregnant_woman_is_waiting_in_line_at_a_bank/
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I see this a very green subreddit

everyone here recycles properly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qxj5z/i_see_this_a_very_green_subreddit/
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Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying:
"One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest
"Father, please come with me . Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery"
They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued:
"One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said:
"What about the two at the gate?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qxhd7/two_little_boys_stole_a_big_bag_of_oranges_from_a/
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Why I haven't lost my virginity?

Because I never lose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qxh5u/why_i_havent_lost_my_virginity/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walking.
J.K. Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qxf2o/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A really obscure number you've probably never heard of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qxepr/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A guy walks into a bar smiling.

He looks way too happy. He buys everyone a drink. The bar tender notices all this and asks, "hey man whats got you in such a good mood?" the guy says, "Well I was at work, and I did this girl's hair and makeup, and one thing led to another, and we ended up fucking!" The bar tender is like "oh cool! what salon do you work at?" the guy says,
"I work at a funeral home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qxc8s/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_smiling/
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Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?
He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qxbv6/four_ceos_of_beer_companies_are_having_a_meeting/
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what is the most popular board game for women?

ironing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qx7xf/what_is_the_most_popular_board_game_for_women/
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Why did the FBI go to question Sarah Palin while investigating Trump's collusion?

Because she can see Russia from her house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qx5xl/why_did_the_fbi_go_to_question_sarah_palin_while/
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My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have "the talk" today...

I'm an international crime fighter now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qx2bu/my_son_found_some_handcuffs_under_our_bed_so_i/
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.  As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qwvr0/a_couple_drove_down_a_country_road_for_several/
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What do you call a slutty Mexican iPhone?

iPoppy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qwuu2/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_mexican_iphone/
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My wife and I were deciding whether we wanted a third child

Which is a bit awkward because he's 5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qwsl2/my_wife_and_i_were_deciding_whether_we_wanted_a/
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After hearing about how her son was involved in a tragic accident, the mother rushes to the hospital

There she sees her son lying in a coma in bed with a doctor watching over him.
Completely disheartened, she asks the doctor:
"What state is my son in?"
To which the doctor replies:
"Err, Oregon?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qwo6x/after_hearing_about_how_her_son_was_involved_in_a/
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I sleep better naked...

...why cant the flight attendant understand that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qwnvc/i_sleep_better_naked/
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A guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs

The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qwmxn/a_guy_goes_to_a_weight_loss_clinic_and_says_he/
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Did you hear NASCAR and Formula One we're trying to make an Ultimate Showdown race but it got cancelled due to controversy?

Apparently NASCAR fans didn't want to mix the races....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qwmgz/did_you_hear_nascar_and_formula_one_were_trying/
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My dad is like a boomerang.

He's Australian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qwm4c/my_dad_is_like_a_boomerang/
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Me while talking to a lady friend :

Me : Hey, i read about this the other day ; did you know that 80% of women masturbate in the shower? Do you know what the other 20% do?
Her : No, what?
Me : Yea, I figured you were in the first group

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qwjxb/me_while_talking_to_a_lady_friend/
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I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well...

that way I can impress her with my balloon animals skills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qwh1x/i_always_carry_a_condom_in_my_wallet_in_case_a/
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The Preacher and the Peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qwc08/the_preacher_and_the_peanuts/
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Jake and Dave on a camping trip (NSFW!)

Jake and Dave were on a camping trip. On the last day of their trip, they couldn't decide what to do. Jake wanted to go to the beach, Dave wanted to go hiking. So they split up for the day.
They met back up late at night at camp. Jake was like "Dude, my day was AWESOME! I went to the beach and there was this college volleyball team practicing all in the nude! They asked me to judge their games and I had the best time! We had a BBQ afterwards. It was great! How was your day?".
Dave answered "Well, I went for a hike in the woods. At some point, I reached some train tracks and decided to walk along them. And I stumbled on a woman tied to the tracks. I untied her, and we had sex all day! I fucked her from the front and from the back, and I had some titty fuck too!".
Jake: "Did she blow you?".
Dave: "Nope, I couldn't find her head.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qwbwc/jake_and_dave_on_a_camping_trip_nsfw/
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A book falls on Sean Connery's head

"Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qw5t0/a_book_falls_on_sean_connerys_head/
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I hurt my foot driving the other day .

so I called the toe company

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qw2ba/i_hurt_my_foot_driving_the_other_day/
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Yesterday, I saw a guy harassing a diabetic who recently had parts of his foot amputated.

I guess the first guy was lack toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qw1ae/yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_harassing_a_diabetic_who/
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What do you call a skinny man in sunglasses?

Slim Shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvyoq/what_do_you_call_a_skinny_man_in_sunglasses/
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Call me a dick, but...

I NEVER talk to deaf people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvyas/call_me_a_dick_but/
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Why don't they put advertisements on the Hulk?

He's basically a giant banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvy1z/why_dont_they_put_advertisements_on_the_hulk/
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There are FOUR states of matter.

Solid, liquid, gas and black lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvxyz/there_are_four_states_of_matter/
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If someone broke into my house and stole all the lights...

I'd be absolutely delighted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvxyt/if_someone_broke_into_my_house_and_stole_all_the/
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Typical wife behavior

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.
When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car."
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvw9p/typical_wife_behavior/
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Jokes about terminally ill children...

...they never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvw9c/jokes_about_terminally_ill_children/
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LOVE LAUGH

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvp7h/love_laugh/
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I shot a hipster in his leg

now he's a hopster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvog4/i_shot_a_hipster_in_his_leg/
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My mom told me never date a soccer player,

Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvkm7/my_mom_told_me_never_date_a_soccer_player/
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An old man was at the doctor's office for his annual checkups and tests.

Gary was sitting alone and patiently waiting for his test results. He was just checking his watch when the doctor returned.
"Gary, I've got some bad news and I've got some *really* bad news," said the doctor as he walked in.
"Just hit me with the worst first doc, I can take it."
The doctor hesitated for a moment and then spoke.
"The tests came back positive for lung cancer. Stage 3."
The old man had suspected something was wrong but definitely not something this serious. Absolutely distraught he buried his head in his hands and did not speak for a good minute. He wiped his eyes clean of a couple tears, pulled himself together, and then looked up.
"Alright doc." His voice cracked, "Hit me with the bad news now. Just get it over with. I can take it."
The doctor hesitated once again and then spoke.
"Gary you also tested positive for Alzheimer's."
The old man buried his head in his hands once more, looking similarly distraught and troubled.
After another minute's pause he wiped a couple more tears from his eyes, looked up and said:
"Well... at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvkkx/an_old_man_was_at_the_doctors_office_for_his/
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There's a new restaurant on the moon

The food is great but the place has no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvkg1/theres_a_new_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvi9o/a_very_handsome_man_gets_into_a_terrible_car/
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Girls use chemicals to remove polish on a daily and no one bats an eye...

But when Hitler does it everyone loses their mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvhxx/girls_use_chemicals_to_remove_polish_on_a_daily/
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Son: Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
Son: "No dad, I'm serious!"
Dad: "You're serious? I thought you were Gay!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvgbo/son_dad_im_gay/
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My Wife needed something to cheer her up...

That's why I surprised her with a bukkake party. Everyone came. You should've seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvg8t/my_wife_needed_something_to_cheer_her_up/
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My boss asked me why I don't like to code in Python.

I just find it too constricting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvf3q/my_boss_asked_me_why_i_dont_like_to_code_in_python/
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Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him…

But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qve8s/our_young_son_has_been_crying_a_lot_at_night_so/
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There are 10 genders

but it's in binary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qvbe8/there_are_10_genders/
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My wife complained to me the other day that I'm trying to be somebody that I'm not...

I'm just confused as to how she got into the batcave in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qv4xc/my_wife_complained_to_me_the_other_day_that_im/
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Fruitloops for breakfast.

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '
#WHACK...she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qv14f/fruitloops_for_breakfast/
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Who is Rorschach

and why has he painted so many pictures of my parents arguing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6quwha/who_is_rorschach/
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My wife complained to me that I don't take an interest in her family.

Now she is upset because I fucked her sister. I can't win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qus3x/my_wife_complained_to_me_that_i_dont_take_an/
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A boy caught his dad red handed having an affair with the maid.

The dad told the son, ”take this $10 and don’t tell your mum please!"
The son answered, ”but dad this is not fair!!” Mum gave me $50 when I caught her with the security Man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qur59/a_boy_caught_his_dad_red_handed_having_an_affair/
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I love cooking dogs and children.

But I hate using commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6quo9i/i_love_cooking_dogs_and_children/
%
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp

. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,000
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6quich/three_guys_are_walking_through_the_woods_when/
%
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underpants [NSFW]

The front says "I would do anything for love", and the back says "but I won't do that".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qui06/i_bought_a_pair_of_meatloaf_underpants_nsfw/
%
There once was a Reddit named jokes

There once was a reddit named jokes
That attracted a whole lot of folks
If you read it all through
'till the links aren't blue
You'll find that they're all just reposts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6quevt/there_once_was_a_reddit_named_jokes/
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Einstein has once said…

If you can be naked and run around a tree at the speed of light, you can fuck yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qu8v3/einstein_has_once_said/
%
What do you do to chemists when they die?

You barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qu4ic/what_do_you_do_to_chemists_when_they_die/
%
Why are Radiohead so popular on Reddit?

Because everyone is afraid of Karma Police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qu3w6/why_are_radiohead_so_popular_on_reddit/
%
How many hipsters does it take to fix a heater?

None. They did it before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qu3l4/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_fix_a_heater/
%
Why did the cops arrest the man who set his hand on fire?

Possession of a Firearm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qtw1o/why_did_the_cops_arrest_the_man_who_set_his_hand/
%
Don't mess with seniors!

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qtsz6/dont_mess_with_seniors/
%
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him ...

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about". The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qtrtg/a_mafia_godfather_finds_out_that_his_bookkeeper/
%
A cop shows up at a farmer's farm,

A cop shows up at a farmer's farm and asks if he can check his land for any illegal activities. The farmer tells him that is fine as long as he doesn't go to the field next to the barn. The cop gets angry and shouts at the farmer and takes out his badge. "YOU SEE THIS BADGE !THIS BADGE GIVES ME PERMISSION TO SEARCH YOUR PROPERTY FOR ANYTHING I WANT!" The farmer says ok and lets the cop check his land. About 10 minutes later the farmer goes to the field next to the barn where the cop is. The cop is being chased by a bull. The farmer runs closer and shouts "THE BADGE, SHOW HIM THE FUCKING BADGE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qtp9y/a_cop_shows_up_at_a_farmers_farm/
%
My wife went into labor while we were camping.

It was in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qtp5y/my_wife_went_into_labor_while_we_were_camping/
%
I've been waiting to get a book on how to commit suicide from the library...

...but the last guy hasn't brought it back yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qtoyv/ive_been_waiting_to_get_a_book_on_how_to_commit/
%
To people struggling with self harm

Don't beat yourself up over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qtlvt/to_people_struggling_with_self_harm/
%
A soldier ran up to a nun

. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qtj8j/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
%
That cute Mailgirl looked really surprised when I stood naked at the front door

She was probably wondering how I got her adress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qthrc/that_cute_mailgirl_looked_really_surprised_when_i/
%
I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.
Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.
The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
She summoned all three suitors to the grand hall and announced - "whoever brings me the most ping pong balls shall have my hand in marriage - this is my test of love!" Each suitor goes off to meet the challenge.
The first suitor comes back a few weeks later with loads and loads of horse drawn carriages filled with ping pong balls. The convoy stretches as far as the eye can see. All together they amount to 1 million ping pong balls and the princess is impressed.
The second suitor realises he has to up his game and hires a fleet of ships to gather deliver the ping pong balls. A few months later ships upon ships line the harbour in front of the princess' castle, and the princess swoons at the sight of 100 million ping pong balls being offered to her.
The third and final suitor then shows up a year later. He's all bloodied and beaten up, horrible scars across his arms. In his left hand he clutches a big brown heavy sack. The princess confronts him, clearly unimpressed and says "what are you doing!? Clearly this can't beat the 100 million ping pong balls I had from my second suitor! Stop wasting my time!"
Confused, the third suitor says to the princess as she turns to leave "but my princess, I thought you said KING KONG balls!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qth1r/i_got_in_trouble_for_telling_this_joke_in_5th/
%
I went to a hotel that had continental breakfast

Unfortunately the continent was Africa so all I got was an empty plate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qtevy/i_went_to_a_hotel_that_had_continental_breakfast/
%
What's heavier? 100 pounds of bricks or 100 pounds of feathers?

100 pounds of feathers. Because 100 pounds of bricks is just 100 pounds of bricks. But with the feathers, you have to carry the weight of what you did to those birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qtdti/whats_heavier_100_pounds_of_bricks_or_100_pounds/
%
What's the best college degree to become a successful fiction writer?

Journalism!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qtclf/whats_the_best_college_degree_to_become_a/
%
Ethnic jokes are funny, but

someone always gets offended.  So I'm going to make up an ethnicity, let's call it Cleavens.  There no one is a Cleaven so they can't get offended.
Okay, so two black cleavens walk into a bar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qtbwt/ethnic_jokes_are_funny_but/
%
I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector

The constant beeping gave me a headache and made me feel sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qt9oo/i_had_to_take_the_batteries_out_of_my_carbon/
%
What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qt8wn/whats_red_and_smells_like_blue_paint/
%
An elderly woman appears in court for stealing

A can of peaches from the grocery store. The judge asks "how many peaches were in that can?" To which she replied "about 6 your honor."
"Very well then. 6 days in detention for you. I hope you've learned your lesson." When you suddenly hear her grumpy husband in the crowd "she also stole a can of peas!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qt5eo/an_elderly_woman_appears_in_court_for_stealing/
%
What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with cardboard boxes?

A pillow fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qt513/what_do_you_call_two_homeless_people_hitting_each/
%
During a job interview yesterday I poured myself some water

into a cup and it overflowed slightly.
"Nervous?" Said the interviewer.
"No" I said, "I always give 110%"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qt4w3/during_a_job_interview_yesterday_i_poured_myself/
%
What's green, fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qt4ek/whats_green_fuzzy_and_will_kill_you_if_it_falls/
%
The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qt27h/the_england_team_visited_an_orphanage_in_brazil/
%
Why 6 was really afraid of 7

6 was just a normal girl, she met 7 on a dating app. They went out several times after that and a few dates later 7 proposed. 6 was ecstatic, they got married within the month and when they moved into a new house they quickly made friends with their neighbors, 9 and 10. 6 soon noticed strange behavior in 7, he was going out late at night to other people's houses. One night 6 saw 7 leave into the neighbors house. She decided to follow him in and was horrified. Blood stains led up to the darkened kitchen where she discovered some thing she could never unsee. 7 had done it. 7 8 9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qt1u2/why_6_was_really_afraid_of_7/
%
The blacksmith hires an apprentice

He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qszzh/the_blacksmith_hires_an_apprentice/
%
A son asked his dad where kids were made.

The dad replied:
"Everything is made in China. Except kids. They are made from the VaChina."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qsxpy/a_son_asked_his_dad_where_kids_were_made/
%
A woman almost drove into me today

I called her a cow because she couldn't steer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qsw7h/a_woman_almost_drove_into_me_today/
%
What do you call a spud that smokes weed?

A baked potato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qsvdj/what_do_you_call_a_spud_that_smokes_weed/
%
What do you call a possessed lens

A demonocle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qsuos/what_do_you_call_a_possessed_lens/
%
My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

That must be why I’m an only child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qst7j/my_dad_always_told_me_he_never_made_the_same/
%
I ran into a NASA scientist one day...

...and I say to him, "Your job seems so tough. I'd love to traverse the solar system, but I wouldn't even know where to begin..."
He says, "It's easy... you just planet."
So I took his advice and went on a trip around the Sun. It lasted a year and I had a pretty good time. But if I had to rate it, I'd only give it one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qsrqe/i_ran_into_a_nasa_scientist_one_day/
%
A guy is driving down the highway when he notices a sign

:
Speed Limit: 40 miles.
He decelerates to 40 miles per hour and later he notices one
another sign:
Speed Limit: 20 miles
So he pushes the brakes again until he reaches the 20 mile per
hour limit. He starts wondering why everyone overtakes him. After
a while, just another sign catches his attention:
Speed Limit: 5 miles
He goes 'WTF' but still follows the rules, not wanting to be fined.
After one hour, one another sign catches his attention:
Welcome to Speed Limit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qsps3/a_guy_is_driving_down_the_highway_when_he_notices/
%
Where do bakers pick up their hookers?

The breadlight district

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qsp57/where_do_bakers_pick_up_their_hookers/
%
A physicist see a young man about to jump off a building

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qsoe4/a_physicist_see_a_young_man_about_to_jump_off_a/
%
There were three rings in OJ Simpson's marriage.

First, they had the engagement ring. After that, they had the wedding ring. And finally, there was the murdering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qsm3c/there_were_three_rings_in_oj_simpsons_marriage/
%
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?

A seizure salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qsm18/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_in_a_vegetable/
%
What are Mario's overalls made out of?

denim denim denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qsjok/what_are_marios_overalls_made_out_of/
%
How funny are mountains?

They are hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qsf50/how_funny_are_mountains/
%
Help I killed a dolphin!!!

It wasn't on porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qsdbm/help_i_killed_a_dolphin/
%
What's the difference between a bomb and a social justice warrior?

The bomb actually accomplishes something when it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qscoa/whats_the_difference_between_a_bomb_and_a_social/
%
What did the ancient Roman weatherman say when his emperor asked for a forecast?

"Hail, Caesar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qsbdu/what_did_the_ancient_roman_weatherman_say_when/
%
Who do you call when you hurt your feet while driving?

A Toe Truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qs87s/who_do_you_call_when_you_hurt_your_feet_while/
%
Who shaves many times a day but still has a beard?

The barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qs55w/who_shaves_many_times_a_day_but_still_has_a_beard/
%
Three moles dig their way to IHOP

The first mole pops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "mmm I smell pancakes!"
The second moles pops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "mmmm I smell coffee!"
The third mops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "all I smell is molasses.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qs4sf/three_moles_dig_their_way_to_ihop/
%
"Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter!"
"Thanks Dad!"
"No problem Alan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qs10d/hey_dad_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
%
Why did Donald Trump divorce his first wife?

Fake Nudes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qrxdo/why_did_donald_trump_divorce_his_first_wife/
%
Signals for sex

A deaf couple have been really hitting it off and eventually move in together.  They find out that they are very sexually compatible, but they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing or read each other's lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the girlfriend, Sarah, figures out a solution.  She writes a note to her boyfriend: 'Babe, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'
The boyfriend, Dave, thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to Sarah: 'That's great.  For my signs, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qrx2c/signals_for_sex/
%
Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Linux servers, mostly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qrvfb/daddy_what_are_clouds_made_of/
%
Why did the spider never go to school

Because she learnt everything on the web.
b^a^d^a^b^u^m

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qrulr/why_did_the_spider_never_go_to_school/
%
What do you call a trash talking mushroom?

Shittalki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qru01/what_do_you_call_a_trash_talking_mushroom/
%
A man goes golfing

And he hits the most incredible drive, an absolute rocket. 100 down range a bird flies into the middle of the fairway, gets smoked by the ball and drops down dead. The man walks up to the bird and sees that  the ball has gone right through!
This begs the question, is it a birdie or a hole-in-one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qrtts/a_man_goes_golfing/
%
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

Give me 5 minutes to get hard - I just got laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qrtnh/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_pot_of_boiling_water/
%
(NSFW) What's the lightest thing ever?

A penis.  Even just a thought can lift it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qrspt/nsfw_whats_the_lightest_thing_ever/
%
What's the difference between a good joke

and a bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qrmdg/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke/
%
My High School math teacher passed everybody.

He gave no F's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qrjvl/my_high_school_math_teacher_passed_everybody/
%
What do hillbillies do for Halloween?

Pumpkin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qrhvz/what_do_hillbillies_do_for_halloween/
%
Spreading stuff on toast?

That's my jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qrg9l/spreading_stuff_on_toast/
%
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qrfwr/a_police_officer_jumps_into_his_squad_car_and/
%
I think I've been hacked by Russia...



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qrbb1/i_think_ive_been_hacked_by_russia/
%
When Trump announced job creations...

I didn't think it was for the same position over and over again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qrb7q/when_trump_announced_job_creations/
%
What do you call a Mexican that got into Harvard?

A student...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qranz/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_that_got_into_harvard/
%
What do you call a skateboarder who likes to grind?

Feeble minded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qr82r/what_do_you_call_a_skateboarder_who_likes_to_grind/
%
Wife divorces him, loses his job after just 10 days...

The Mooch is one dead dog from being a country song.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qr684/wife_divorces_him_loses_his_job_after_just_10_days/
%
I watched a great documentary on menstruation in Victorian times

It was a great period piece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qr5wt/i_watched_a_great_documentary_on_menstruation_in/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A 4-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qr3bh/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
A man walked into a bar

Johnny walked into a bar, A drunk man said to him, "Aye, you little fool, I fucked your mom last night".
Johnny ignored him, "Yeah she was crying for more", said The drunk man.
People around started looking and wondering why is Johnny not saying or doing anything, when The drunk man said, "I came on her tits".
Johnny finally got angry, and said, "Go home dad".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qr3ay/a_man_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Why aren't there any rap songs about Donald Trump?

Because there aren't any words that rhyme with "Orange."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qqzzu/why_arent_there_any_rap_songs_about_donald_trump/
%
I went to a Trump rally the other day, and the only thing higher than the average IQ of the crowd...

Was the average BMI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qqzjp/i_went_to_a_trump_rally_the_other_day_and_the/
%
A Pilot Is On A Plane About To Crash

A pilot is flying a plane when all of the sudden the plane begins to go down. Panicked, the pilot attempts to throw things out of the plane to make it lighter.
He announces this and is given three items  a apple, a banana, and a bomb. He desperately throws them all out of the window one at a time and soon the plane begins to stabilize.
Once the plane lands the pilot goes home. On the way home he passes a man who is rubbing his head in pain. "What's wrong?" asks the pilot?The man replies saying "I was just walking down the street and a apple hit me one the head!".
The pilot continues walking and sees another man rubbing his head in pain. "What's wrong?" asks the pilot? The man replies by saying "I was just sitting on a bench when a banana hit me on the head!".
After hearing this the pilot continues walking home when he comes across a third man who is laughing hysterically. "What's so funny?" asks the pilot? The man replies "I just farted and I blew up a outhouse!"
Note: I heard this at Boy Scout Camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qqyfn/a_pilot_is_on_a_plane_about_to_crash/
%
what's wrong with my brain

OMG, I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain:
on the left side,
there is nothing right,
and on the right side,
there is nothing left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qqw9t/whats_wrong_with_my_brain/
%
Donald Trump was using the restroom...

...when Vladmir Putin walked in and began using the urinal beside him.  Naturally, Trump glanced over and saw that Putin had by far the biggest cock he had ever seen.  So he asked him what he did to make it grow so huge and Vlad told him that every night before he goes to bed, he pulls it out and slaps it across the bed post 10 or 12 times. Later that night, before getting in bed with Melania, Trump decided he was going to try it out so he pulled out his junk and started slapping the bed post. After a couple of slaps, Melania rolled over half awake and said: "Vladmir, is that you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qqvpw/donald_trump_was_using_the_restroom/
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There once was an older couple who lived alone on a farm.

One day, the couple is visited by aliens from outer space.
Aliens: “For many years, we have studied and learned all there is to know about Humans. Everything, except what goes on in the bedroom. Would you be willing to sleep with us, for science?”
The husband and wife talked it over. Eventually they agreed that their sex life was boring lately, and this could spice things up.
That evening, the guy alien and the wife were having sex.
After five minutes, he asks her a question.
Guy Alien: “What do you think? How is it?”
Wife: “Well, it could be a little longer.”
Guy Alien: “No Problem!”
He twists his left ear, and his shlong grows longer.
Guy alien: “How about now?”
Wife: “Well, it could be a little wider.”
Guy Alien: “No Problem!”
He twists his right ear, and his shlong becomes wider.
The next morning, after the aliens have left, the couple sit on the porch drinking coffee.
Husband: “So what did you think?”
Wife: “It was the most amazing experience I have ever had. What about you?”
Husband, grumbling: “It kinda sucked. Crazy bitch kept yanking on my ears all night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qqovg/there_once_was_an_older_couple_who_lived_alone_on/
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Jack stays in a hotel, being charged for bunch of fees (Long)

When he checks out the invoice, he sees RC.
He asks if what that stands for.
Front desk guys says "it is Room Charge sir."
He asks if what does PF stand for,
"it is pool fee sir."
He questions if why he is being charged, since he didn't even use it.
Front desk says " Pool was there all night, you should use it".
He asks for another charge TBF, if what does it stand for.
Front desk says " it is Turkish Bath Fee sir".
Jack says he didn't use it either.
Response is " You should use it, it was there all night", "Your total is $300".
Jack grabs the pen and the invoice, writes down "FJITAF = $300" and zeroes the balance.
Front desk asks, "What are you doing sir? What is FJITAF?"
Jack goes "Fucking Jack in the ass fee."
FD: "But we didn't fuck you in the ass sir."
Jack smiles and says "You could've, i was in my room all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qqnas/jack_stays_in_a_hotel_being_charged_for_bunch_of/
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Why was Scaramucci fired?

He wouldn't do the Fandango.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qqm5b/why_was_scaramucci_fired/
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You are in the kitchen. Which one do you let in first?

On one side of the house outside is the dog barking to be let in, and on the other side is your wife who lost her keys screaming to be let in.  Which one do you let in first, and why?
The dog - because at least he will shut up as soon as you let him in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qqkqd/you_are_in_the_kitchen_which_one_do_you_let_in/
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How do you lose your wife, your kid, and your job in one week?

Become the White House Communications Director.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qqis5/how_do_you_lose_your_wife_your_kid_and_your_job/
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Holy Cow! I just found out I've been appointed to be communications director at the white house...

it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qqipj/holy_cow_i_just_found_out_ive_been_appointed_to/
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Who are the least angry people on Earth?

Nomads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qqe51/who_are_the_least_angry_people_on_earth/
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Dolphins are really clever

In fact, they have trained humans to stand at the edge of the pools and throw fish at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qqdtl/dolphins_are_really_clever/
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The two hottest guys in high school were Amahl and Juan, the twin songs of a Spanish mother and an Arabic father.

Every girl in school wanted to have sex with them. Two sisters were lucky enough to have some success in bedding the twins.
"I did it with Juan when we went out last night, and it was really nice," the younger sister said. "But I won't be really satisfied until I've had his older brother, too."
The older sister rolled her eyes. "Hey, they're twins, and I've had them both. Take it from me, if you've fucked Juan, you've fucked Amahl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qqasv/the_two_hottest_guys_in_high_school_were_amahl/
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Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qq8xa/thank_god_we_dont_need_to_hunt_for_food_anymore/
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I call my penis Sean Connery

He used to be in everything but now he's basically retired...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qq4jc/i_call_my_penis_sean_connery/
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A man goes to prison...

He's pretty nervous, having never been behind bars before.
He turns to his cellmate and says, "I've never been to prison before, I'm not sure I'm going to make it!"
The cellmate, eager to comfort the new inmate, "Aw, prison ain't so bad! I think you'll grow to enjoy it after awhile."
"What makes you say that?", asks the new prisoner.
"Well, do you like baseball?" the cellmate asks.
"Sure I do!", the man responds with enthusiasm
"Great! Every Tuesday we have a big baseball game out in the yard. Everyone joins in and it's a lot of fun", explains the cellmate
The new inmate is surprised, "Well that doesn't sound so bad!" he says.
The cellmate goes on, "Do you like Italian food?"
"It's my favorite!" says the man.
The cellmate responds again, "Well, every Wednesday we have a big Italian feast in cafeteria!"
The man is even more surprised, "This really doesn't sound bad at all!"
The cellmate continues, "Say, do you happen to be a homosexual?"
The man, feeling a bit cautious, "I can't say that I am, I have a wife and kids at home".
"Ahh, well you're not gonna like Thursdays".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qpzju/a_man_goes_to_prison/
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Tattoo

A guy decides to tattoo his girlfriends name WENDY on his penis. The tattoo is finished and the tattoo artist explains that when the guy's dick is limp you can only see the first and last letters of the name, WY. When it's erect you can read the whole name.
A few months later the guy is taking a shower in a public washroom and sees a black man with the letters WY on his penis and then asks if his girlfriend is also named Wendy.
"Nope," says the black man, "this here says WELCOME TO MY CITY."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qpyxn/tattoo/
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My wife asked why the spaghetti sauce tasted odd

I told her I didn't have the thyme to make it right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qpwfm/my_wife_asked_why_the_spaghetti_sauce_tasted_odd/
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Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qpvzd/why_do_riot_police_like_to_get_to_work_early/
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My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qpvga/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
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Student runs into Einstein's office after years of study and shouts...

"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, sighs and says, "It's about time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qprat/student_runs_into_einsteins_office_after_years_of/
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What did the depressed Buddhist text his mom?

Commiting suicide, BRB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qpqw9/what_did_the_depressed_buddhist_text_his_mom/
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Three men went into the jungle

And were caught by a tribe of cannibals. The three men started pleading for their lives, and the chief, pitying them, gave them a chance.
Chief : Alright, I will offer you a chance to save yourselves. Each of you will go out into the forest accompanied by our men, and you will bring back 10 of a single type of fruit.
Soon, the first man returned with oranges.
Chief : Okay, now I want you to swallow all 10 of the fruit that you have brought back here without making a single sound or expression. This is a test of endurance and if you fail, we WILL KILL YOU AND EAT YOU.
And so, the first man tried his best and managed to swallow 2 before wincing out in pain. As a result, he was killed and his head impaled on a spike.
Later, the second man came back with cherries. The chief told him the same thing he told the first man, and pointed at the head on a spike to remind the man of his fate should he fail.
The second man swallowed the cherries slowly, careful not to make any sounds or expressions. However, as he swallowed his 9th cherry, he made a sound and was promptly killed and his head put on a spike.
The two men who died then met in heaven.
Man 1 : Hey, what happened? I was watching and you almost made it through!! You could have made it out alive there!!
Man 2 : Yea well, i was calm and was confident i was going to make it, that is, until that other fucker appeared with pineapples!!
Edit : Apples and oranges

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qpoao/three_men_went_into_the_jungle/
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A wise man once said, "When the rise of the machines happens...

...make sure you are nowhere near a dildo factory."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qpn5p/a_wise_man_once_said_when_the_rise_of_the/
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When I went to jail, i walked up to the biggest guy and punched him as hard as I could.

That's the last time my dad played monopoly with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qpk12/when_i_went_to_jail_i_walked_up_to_the_biggest/
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A drunk man is taking a nap on a bench at the park...

and a gay man passes him.
He notices the sleeping man and thinks to himself: "Well he's cute. Why not fuck him?"
He carefully does the deed without waking his "partner" up and then puts 50 bucks into the man's pocket for the good fuck.
When the man wakes up and finds the money in his pocket, he goes to his favorite liquer store and buys a bottle of red wine worth 50 dollars.
He proceeds to drink it all the next day and falls asleep on the same bench at the same park. The same gay man passes him again and does the same deed. This time he leaves the man a hundred bucks.
The man wakes up, finds the money and buys a bottle of red wine worth a hundred dollars from the same store.
And again, he falls asleep in the same place after drinking the wine the next day.
And again, the gay man does the same deed and this time leaves him 200 bucks.
The man wakes up, finds the money and proceeds to go the same liquer store. The salesman sees his favorite customer enter and asks: "Let me guess: you want a bottle of red wine worth about 200 bucks this time?"
The man shakes his head and says: "I'll try some white wine, actually. This read wine makes my ass hurt like hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qpgkp/a_drunk_man_is_taking_a_nap_on_a_bench_at_the_park/
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Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qpffg/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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A genie walks into a bar

The person behind the bar says, "Sorry, we don't serve djinn".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qpeyj/a_genie_walks_into_a_bar/
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Graft 101.

A Mayor in a small town is trying to secure bids to repair the town's Main Street Bridge. He finds three contractors - one from Cincinnati, one from New York, and one from Washington, D.C. - and invites them all to town to bid on the job.
The Cincinnati man arrives first, inspects the job site, and meets with the Mayor. "So - how much?" the Mayor asks. "Three million," the contractor tells him. "1.5 each for materials and labor." The Mayor thanks him and prepares for his meeting with the New York guy.
"How much?" the Mayor asks, when the contractor from New York arrives. "Six million," he tells the Mayor. "Three million for materials, three for labor."
The Mayor's eyes widen a bit, but he thanks the man and sends him on his way. A little while later, the man from D.C. arrives. The Mayor asks him for his bid.
"Nine million," the Washingtonian tells him. This time the Mayor cannot conceal his surprise.
*"Nine million dollars?!"* he exclaims. "That's *three times* as much as the lowest bid. You mind telling me how you arrived at that figure?"
"Sure, no problem," the Washington man says. "Three million for me, three million for you, and three million to hire your lowest bidder."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qpark/graft_101/
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What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qpaj5/whats_the_only_drink_size_they_allow_in_north/
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I just put my neck on the line.

But apparently that's not how you're supposed to do cocaine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qp8z4/i_just_put_my_neck_on_the_line/
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My girlfriend thinks it's seductive to bite her lip..

I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qp6bz/my_girlfriend_thinks_its_seductive_to_bite_her_lip/
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My dog gets excited every time I grab her leash

because she knows that means I'm about to choke myself while I masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qp57x/my_dog_gets_excited_every_time_i_grab_her_leash/
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What's the difference between a joke and 3 dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qp48v/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_3_dicks/
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10-inch BIC

Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.
1: You got a lighter?
2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*
1: Woah, where'd you get that!?
2: I have a personal genie.
1: Cool! Can I make a wish?
2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*
1: I wish for a million bucks!
*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*
1: Wow, your genie really sucks at hearing.
2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qp2uw/10inch_bic/
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A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and an MCSE are trying to fix a car...

The mechanical engineer proposes taking everything apart, inspecting all of the moving parts to ensure that they're running smoothly together, and then put everything back together.  He is adamant that this is the best approach.
The electrical engineer strongly disagrees, and wants to check all of the wiring to make sure that it's not causing the problem.
They turn to the Microsoft engineer, who appears to be deep in thought.  Finally, he says, "let's just close all the windows and open them again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qp2rk/a_mechanical_engineer_an_electrical_engineer_and/
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Prostitute said she would do anything I asked....

Guess who's having his room painted?
Not me. I fucked her hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qozh8/prostitute_said_she_would_do_anything_i_asked/
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When I heard about Anthony Scaramucci my first thought was ...

Will he do the fandango?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qoze5/when_i_heard_about_anthony_scaramucci_my_first/
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What was two wings, but cannot fly; two eyes, but cannot see; and two legs, but cannot walk?

A dead bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qoz80/what_was_two_wings_but_cannot_fly_two_eyes_but/
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A married couple was eating at a restaurant

when the wife noticed her ex-husband sitting at the bar. "He's been drinking since I left him seven years ago" she said to her current husband.
"That's silly, dear" he replied. "No one celebrates that much."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qoxyt/a_married_couple_was_eating_at_a_restaurant/
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If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qour0/if_online_bullying_has_taught_us_anything/
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I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qotsk/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
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An armed robber walkes into a bank

... after he collected the money he turns to a customer and asks: "Did you witness me robbing this bank?" The customer says "Yes" and so the robber shoots him. He turns to a 2nd customer and asks: "Did you witness me robbing that bank?". The 2nd customer also says "Yes" so the robber shoots him. He now turns to a 3rd customer and asks:"Did you witness me robbing that bank?" The 3rd customer says: " I havent witnessed anything but my wife witnessed it all".
Sorry for bad english.
Sorry if its a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qotq0/an_armed_robber_walkes_into_a_bank/
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If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY.

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qoqaq/if_your_apartment_is_hit_by_a_dolphin_do_not_go/
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$3 million

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qoohy/3_million/
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My wife was in a coma for 6 months and the doctor told me that although it's unconventional that I could try oral to wake her up so I decided to give it a try but after 5 minutes I gave up and the doctor asked what happened...

She just kept choking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qomn1/my_wife_was_in_a_coma_for_6_months_and_the_doctor/
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How do short people greet others?

They microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qok30/how_do_short_people_greet_others/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qoiz7/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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Isn't It Ironic?

My wife was trying to explain to me that I didn't know what irony meant, which was ironic because I had just taken a shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qog9i/isnt_it_ironic/
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My wife was depressed

She phoned me and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're doing nothing to help me"
So I sent her a timetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qog3e/my_wife_was_depressed/
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A guy goes to a halloween party with a girl on his back.

The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The guy says, " I'm a snail."
The host says "And who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qofpt/a_guy_goes_to_a_halloween_party_with_a_girl_on/
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I hate people who get hung up on small things

You could say I'm Anti-Semantics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qof53/i_hate_people_who_get_hung_up_on_small_things/
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What do you call a mail woman that will get a sex change?

A postman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qodlx/what_do_you_call_a_mail_woman_that_will_get_a_sex/
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Genie grants a wish...

One day a Russian guy, Oleg, finds a lamp. As soon as he rubs it a genie pops up and says:
- You saved me, so wish whatever you want, and it will be granted.
- Whenever I pee, turn it to vodka.
And, it happens.
He goes home and asks his wife to bring two glasses, tells what had happened and they both enjoy the vodka. They repeat the ceremony for following couple of days.
One night, as he comes home, asks for a glass.
His wife curiously asks :
- Are you going to drink without me?
Oleg answers:
- Of course not, you'll drink from the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qob6b/genie_grants_a_wish/
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If you were driving a stolen Tesla...

... would it be called an Edison?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qo8uo/if_you_were_driving_a_stolen_tesla/
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It's a real-shame I failed my entry-level idiom class

I came close, but no sugar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qo8m0/its_a_realshame_i_failed_my_entrylevel_idiom_class/
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The 7 Dwarves and the Pope

The seven dwarfs woke up one day and they were all excited because they got to go see the Pope that day.
So they got to the Vatican and pushed Dopey up to the pope and said, "Ask him , ask him!" Dopey asked, "Pope, are there any nuns in Alaska?" and the Pope said, "Ya there are some nuns there!" but Bashful stood and said, "No, ask him the real question!"
So Dopey asked the Pope, "Are there any black nuns in Alaska?" And the Pope said, "Yes, there are some black nuns in Alaska!" but Doc jumped up and said, "Ask him the real question before you get 6 ass whoopings!"
So Dopey asked the Pope, "Are there any black, midget nuns in Alaska?" and the Pope thought, and the Pope thought, and he said, "No, Dopey I'm sorry there aren't!"
Dopey turned the other way looking very disappointed to see the other 6 dwarfs dancing and singing childishly saying, "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qo8ck/the_7_dwarves_and_the_pope/
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An Irishman in a bar hears a familiar accent, and says to the guy next to him "Are you Irish, then?"

"That I am"
"Well I''l be, let's have a whiskey! Where are you from?"
"Dublin"
"Me too!, That calls for another drink: Bartender!"
"Where in Dublin", says the other feller
"Temple Bar"
"Fuck Me! I went to school right there on Milligan Street"
"So did I! That calls fer another drink!"
"who was yer teacher?"
"Miss McGillicuddy"
"Holy Mother of God, she taught me too! Bartender, another round if you please"
At that point another man enters the bar and sits at the other end.
The bartender approaches him, and he says "Evening, John, anything new going on?"
The bartender replies " Not really, just the Kelly twins getting drunk again..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qo7xq/an_irishman_in_a_bar_hears_a_familiar_accent_and/
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After a year long struggle, my diabetic uncle just had both legs amputated below the ankle....

I guess you could say he was de-feeted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qo7ui/after_a_year_long_struggle_my_diabetic_uncle_just/
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Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider.

On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qo6yr/getting_married_is_great_but_before_you_do_it/
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What happened when the escalator broke down?

Everyone stopped and staired! 🥁

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qo6o6/what_happened_when_the_escalator_broke_down/
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For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married

I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qo524/for_those_of_you_wondering_what_its_like_to_be/
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A plateau

Is the highest form of flattery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qo037/a_plateau/
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I like my beer the same way I like my violence.

Domestic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qnvpn/i_like_my_beer_the_same_way_i_like_my_violence/
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A jumper cable walks into a bar

The bartender looks at it hesitantly before saying
"I'll serve you, just don't start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qnsiw/a_jumper_cable_walks_into_a_bar/
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The police came to my door the other day telling me there had been a complaint made, that my dog chased a man on his bike

"sorry officer" I said "my dog doesn't have a bike"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qns4w/the_police_came_to_my_door_the_other_day_telling/
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What's the best way to make a tower out of books?

One story at a time :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qnrtc/whats_the_best_way_to_make_a_tower_out_of_books/
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What do you call it when two flowers have a child?

Plant parenthood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qnrck/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_flowers_have_a_child/
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A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife

He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her.
If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again.
Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qnl67/a_concerned_husband_went_to_a_doctor_to_talk/
%
English is Weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qngof/english_is_weird/
%
My biggest mistake in kindergarten was showing my penis on the first day.

Now I have to find a new job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qnfd3/my_biggest_mistake_in_kindergarten_was_showing_my/
%
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qne8k/why_do_chicken_coops_only_have_two_doors/
%
Slash has always been in AC/DC...

...he is in the middle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qne81/slash_has_always_been_in_acdc/
%
What do United Airlines and an Asian restaurant have in common?

Chinese take out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qn94i/what_do_united_airlines_and_an_asian_restaurant/
%
A comedian walks into a bathroom

It's a comic relief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qn7bf/a_comedian_walks_into_a_bathroom/
%
Why can't Donald Trump be hung for treason?

Fake Noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qn6s8/why_cant_donald_trump_be_hung_for_treason/
%
It's really dumb that Trump banned the transgender from the military

I mean, who is going to fight the decepticons?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qn5xa/its_really_dumb_that_trump_banned_the_transgender/
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What day of the week do most married men have sex?

Tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qmx5r/what_day_of_the_week_do_most_married_men_have_sex/
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The Smart Employee

A man walks into a grocery store and asks to buy half a cabbage. The employee tells him they don't sell half a cabbage and that the customer would have to buy the cabbage whole. The customer angrily asks to see the manager so the employee goes into the back room and says to the manager "There's some asshole outside who wants to buy half a cabbage"
The customer overhears this and walks into the room "Hey! I heard that!" he says.
The employee, thinking quickly, says "And this is the gentleman who wants to buy the other half"
When the customer walks away, the manager, impressed, asks the smart employee "Hey that was pretty smart, where did you go to school?"
"In Minnesota," says the employee "Half the people up there are hockey players and the other half are whores".
The manager glares angrily and says "Hey! My wife's from Minnesota!"
"Really? which team did she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qmw0c/the_smart_employee/
%
My favorite 2 part joke ever(Kinda Long)

This is how you tell the joke...
So there are 3 brothers walking down the street. When they see a stick and one brother challenges them to throw the stick as high as they can.
The first one throws the stick and it goes 2 stories high.
The second brother throws the stick and it goes 5 stories high.
Then the 3rd brothers throws the stick(when saying this part start laughing/giggling to let them know that this is the punch line) and it never comes back down.
-At this point they are looking at you so confused because obviously that makes no sense.
-so as you're still laughing about it, you tell them, "don't you get it?"
-they will still be confused.
-then you say "well, that was a joke for smarter people I guess, here. I got another one for people that aren't that bright
-they'll bug you about explaining the first joke but just insist that you have to be smart to understand it and maybe they'll like the dumb people joke better
Then you say
So there's this woman boarding a plane with her dog. She takes her seat and is sitting next to a man who decides to light a cigar.
The plane takes flight.
The woman says to the man, "sir could you please put your cigar out?"
The man rudely says hell no.
The woman then tells the man "sir if you don't put that out im going to throw it out the window."
The man then says "lady if you throw my cigar out the window I'm going to throw your dog out the window"
The women then grabs the cigar and throws it out the window. So the man grabs the dog and throws it out the window.
A few hours pass by.
The lady then looks out side the window and the dog is sitting on the wing of the plane. (You then ask them what's in the dogs mouth. They'll reply, "the cigar")
And you say.
NOPE, THE STICK!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qmugd/my_favorite_2_part_joke_everkinda_long/
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An Irish man walks into a bar asks for three beers

An Irish man walks into a bar, asks for three beers, chugs them all and leaves. He does this every week for several weeks, until finally the bartender asks him the reason of his ritual.
The man looks at him and says he has two more brothers with whom he always got together weekly to have a beer. Recently both his brothers left town, so now he drinks the three beers to continue tradition.
Many months pass until one day the man walks in and instead asks for two beers. The bartender can't believe his hears, one of the brothers must have died! He gives the man his condolences for his late brother, but the man informs him that all his brothers are alive and well.
"Why did you only drink two beers then?" asks the bartender.
"I quit drinking".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qmswr/an_irish_man_walks_into_a_bar_asks_for_three_beers/
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What do you call it when a woman is on her period?

Ovary Acting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qmjcq/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_woman_is_on_her_period/
%
Three Knights Walk Into A Bar

Three knights walk into a bar.
the first knight asks the bartender for a cup of ale.
the second knight asks the bartender for a mug of ale.
the bartender turns to the third knight and says, "don't tell me, you want a jug of ale?"
The third knight says, "None for me, I'm two knight's designated driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qmhcb/three_knights_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My new Rolls Royce

I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver.
So I spent all that money, and I've got nothing to chauffeur it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qmagz/my_new_rolls_royce/
%
A duck walks into a drug store

and asks for some chap stick.
The pharmacist asks if it will be cash or charge
The duck replies...
Just put it on my bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qm73v/a_duck_walks_into_a_drug_store/
%
I'll never forget my son's first words...

"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qm5pr/ill_never_forget_my_sons_first_words/
%
Is it wrong to have sex with whales...

if they hump back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qm5i0/is_it_wrong_to_have_sex_with_whales/
%
One of the first things they want you to do before getting plastic surgery is....

Pick your nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qm1lt/one_of_the_first_things_they_want_you_to_do/
%
Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35?

Because 36 is just too many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qm0w8/why_do_mormon_women_stop_having_babies_at_35/
%
"Why don't you play checkers with Bill anymore?"

"Would you play with a person who cheats and moves his men around when you are not looking?"
"No."
"Well, neither would Bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qm0sj/why_dont_you_play_checkers_with_bill_anymore/
%
Two fish are in a tank

One fish says to the other fish, "how do we drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qlyoo/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
Eskimo's car breaks down in Montana. NSFW

Mechanic looks it over and says, "You blew a seal!"
Eskimo says, "Yeah, so, you fucked a sheep!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qlujz/eskimos_car_breaks_down_in_montana_nsfw/
%
Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium called the medical isotopes?

Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qlsd6/why_are_helium_curium_and_barium_called_the/
%
What is 6.9?

One great thing ruined by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qlrc9/what_is_69/
%
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qlkw8/a_passenger_in_a_taxi_tapped_the_driver_on_the/
%
They were so round, big, and beautiful - I just had to touch them!

And then she said, "OW! My eyes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qli19/they_were_so_round_big_and_beautiful_i_just_had/
%
Devastated! A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work,

A very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qlfqy/devastated_a_very_sad_day_today_after_seven_years/
%
Our goal was to play D&D all day today but...

No dice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qld4a/our_goal_was_to_play_dd_all_day_today_but/
%
Sex

Yeah, I don't get it either...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qlcg7/sex/
%
A man and his money.

A man lent his friend 9 dollars, but his friend only paid him 6.
The man was furious, he said "if God knows about this, you're going to hell."
His friend replied "God wouldn't know."
"Why?" Said the man
"Because when God looks down from the sky, a 6 looks like a 9".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qlcal/a_man_and_his_money/
%
Told by my friend years ago in high school [long] [nsfw]

Okay so let me start out by saying when telling this joke, you insert the name of the person you are telling it too. For this joke I will use the name John Johnson as it is the most generic name I can think of. Now for the joke.
Three men were standing in a bar, making small talk. The first guy says "guys my hands are so tiny, I must have the smallest hands in the world!"
The second guy, not wanting to be outdone, says "Well my feet are minuscule! I know I have the smallest feet in the world!"
The third guy, a little hesitant, says "guys... I think I have the smallest penis in the world."
They decide to make the trip together to the World Record Measuring studio.
The first guy goes in, and comes out with a certificate stating he has the smallest hands in the world. "See! I told you I had the smallest hands in the world!"
The second guy goes in, and he also comes out with a certificate. " I knew it! My feet are the smallest in the world!"
The third guy goes in, but does not come out with a certificate. Instead he yells "WHO THE FUCK IS JOHN JOHNSON?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ql6i1/told_by_my_friend_years_ago_in_high_school_long/
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What would war with Korea be like?

Seoul-crushing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ql4ed/what_would_war_with_korea_be_like/
%
I’ve just been dumped by my girlfriend.

She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis.
Guess now that I’m single again, I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ql2qu/ive_just_been_dumped_by_my_girlfriend/
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What did the lightbulb say to the other lightbulb?

Watt up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ql09m/what_did_the_lightbulb_say_to_the_other_lightbulb/
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Nazi: Jews are bad, and their food sucks.

Jew: No, Israeli good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkzfy/nazi_jews_are_bad_and_their_food_sucks/
%
Did you hear about the classical musician who couldn't find work?

He was Baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkxll/did_you_hear_about_the_classical_musician_who/
%
What do call a pessimistic horse?

A neigh-sayer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkwvd/what_do_call_a_pessimistic_horse/
%
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant

The waitress comes to take their order. The man says, "I'll have a burger and fries." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." After the meal, the waitress tells the man the total is $18.56. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount without looking and hands it to the waitress.
The man and the ostrich return to the restaurant the next day. This time the man orders a steak. The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." The waitress tells him the total is $25.62. Again the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount without looking.
The waitress says, "Okay, how are you getting the exact amount without looking?"
The man explains, "I met a genie who would grant me two wishes. My first wish was to be able to get the exact amount of money I need for anything by reaching in my pocket, whether a big or small purchase."
The waitress says, "That's genius, that way you'll never run out of money! What was your second wish?"
The man sighs and says, "I wished for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkw9o/a_man_and_an_ostrich_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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I’ve just seen an advert on Pornhub that claimed it could “teach me to have sex without cumming”

I’m not paying 25 bucks for that when I could just ask my girlfriend how she does it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkumq/ive_just_seen_an_advert_on_pornhub_that_claimed/
%
My dad told me that 97% of all men mastubate...

The other 3% have no hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkt5p/my_dad_told_me_that_97_of_all_men_mastubate/
%
Never die a virgin…

… When you get to Heaven they will make you have sex with a suicide bomber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkrp5/never_die_a_virgin/
%
A detective walks into a party...

and asks the partygoers,
"Do you guys have any Nacho Cheese?"
The partygoers respond,
"No dip, Sherlock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkrgr/a_detective_walks_into_a_party/
%
What do you call the scrotum of a man who is generally unhappy?

A sad sack.
What do you call the balls in a sad sack?
Depresstacles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkrg1/what_do_you_call_the_scrotum_of_a_man_who_is/
%
My girlfriend is a lot like Lance Armstrongs left testicle.

Shriveled up and died after heavy drug usage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qklk0/my_girlfriend_is_a_lot_like_lance_armstrongs_left/
%
This is your captain speaking

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkl9c/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
%
Military puns are funny.

Generally speaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkkg5/military_puns_are_funny/
%
I was having a bath when the postman knocked on the door. I rushed downstairs to open it.

"Fucking hell, put some clothes on next time!"
"Sorry. This job gets really boring," he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkii9/i_was_having_a_bath_when_the_postman_knocked_on/
%
Before going to party my dad said, "Don't bring any girls home, tonight."

That was pretty harsh I thought, considering my sister went with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qki3p/before_going_to_party_my_dad_said_dont_bring_any/
%
A farmer buys a young cock (nsfw)

As soon as he gets it home it fucks all one hundred of his chickens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock goes for round two, all one hundred chickens get another go. The next day it is fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later that week the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half dead being circled by vultures. The farmer says "that's what ya get ya horny basterd". The cock opens one eye and says "shhhh they are about to land"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkgk7/a_farmer_buys_a_young_cock_nsfw/
%
A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips.

The librarian says, "this is a library."
The man, says, "oh. Sorry." (Then in a whisper) "I'd like some fish and chips."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkfjp/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_orders_fish_and/
%
I was addicted to soap...

but now I'm clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qke5g/i_was_addicted_to_soap/
%
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkcng/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
Prostitute said she would do anything I asked....

Guess who's up to date with all his paperwork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkc7e/prostitute_said_she_would_do_anything_i_asked/
%
Thanks for explaining the word "abundant" to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qkbx7/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_abundant_to_me/
%
What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"
Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qk84e/what_is_the_difference_between_a_teacher_and_a/
%
An Officer is on patrol in L.A.

When he sees a driver fail to stop at a Stop sign.
He chases after the guy and pulls him over.
Officer: "Sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "No."
Officer: "You failed to stop at the Stop sign back there."
Driver: "I slowed down, what's the big difference?"
The Officer drags the man out of his car, pulls out his baton and starts beating the shit out of him while yelling:
"DO YOU WANT ME TO SLOW DOWN OR STOP?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qk72z/an_officer_is_on_patrol_in_la/
%
Mickey called the police because someone had written "Mickey Sucks" in urine in the snow in front of Mickey's house.

The officer told Mickey,
"I've got some good news and I have some bad news."
"What's the good news?" Mickey asked.
"The good news is that we were able to identify whose urine it was. It was Goofy's."
"How could the bad news be worse than that?"
"It was Minnie's handwriting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qk1xm/mickey_called_the_police_because_someone_had/
%
Why did I get divorced ?

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qk1er/why_did_i_get_divorced/
%
Why did the greenhorn buy a dachshund?

All the other cowboys kept yelling " get a long little doggy "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qjx5m/why_did_the_greenhorn_buy_a_dachshund/
%
I met a girls at a party last night

I said " You remind me of my little toe"
She said "Small and petite?"
"No, I'll probably bang you on the table later when I'm pissed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qjwha/i_met_a_girls_at_a_party_last_night/
%
An Irishman walks into a bar...

...and says to the bartender, "Give me three pints of Guinness, lad". The bartender obliges, and the Irishman lifts two of the three glasses to the air, as if toasting some invisible person. He then set them down, and finished all three glasses by sipping from one, then the next, and the next until it was empty. Bartender, naturally curious, asks what's up.
"Oh, me two brothers all live about. Since we can't meet and have a pint together, we do it from afar like this."
This continues for a few more months, until finally, one day, the Irishman only orders two pints of Guinness. Bartender notices this and says solemnly, "Only two today? I'm sorry. Did one of your brothers pass away?"
"No, no, nothing of the sort. I've quit drinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qju43/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do Ewoks keep shouting?

They have no Endor voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qjiqk/why_do_ewoks_keep_shouting/
%
A pregnant woman afraid of giving birth asks her doctor for a solution

Long but one my dad told me 10+ years ago.
A woman and her husband go and talk to their doctor about her fears of child birth.  She says she is far too afraid of the pain and worries that she will not be able to endure it, she asks the doctor if there is anything at all that might lower the pain.
The doctor replies, "Well there is one option, but it's used very rarely."
"Anything doctor we're willing!"
"You see, we are able to divert a percentage of the pain so that the father of the baby feels the pain of the birth, instead of the mother.  You can choose what percentage of the pain you would like to feel.  Be it 10, 15, or 20 percent, although most men cannot endure much more than that"
The husband bravely responds, "Of course Doctor I am certainly willing, lets do it."
A few days later during labor the woman is in excruciating pain, so they turn the device on to 10 percent.  Immediately the woman feels subtle relief, while the husband feels nothing at all.
"Wow doctor, this is tremendous, I can't feel anything at all and it's helping her. Can we turn it up?"  So they turn it to 20 percent, and then 30 percent.  Each increase brings the woman tremendous relief and leaves the man baffled and excited.  Convinced that child labor is a complete joke that women have been exaggerating for centuries, he offers to take 100% of the pain.  The labor finishes smoothly with no problems or pain from either party.  They thanked the puzzled doctor for his help and headed home, to find the mailman dead on their porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qjh0y/a_pregnant_woman_afraid_of_giving_birth_asks_her/
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[OC] My friend recently taught his dog how to say "I love you"

I'm still trying to teach my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qjf1r/oc_my_friend_recently_taught_his_dog_how_to_say_i/
%
A panda walks into a restaurant

sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"
"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qjbyd/a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
Sometimes I think about how hard I want to bang

other days, I'm mostly depressed because I am a drumstick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qj7lk/sometimes_i_think_about_how_hard_i_want_to_bang/
%
Why do Italians grow mustaches?

So they can look like their mothers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qj703/why_do_italians_grow_mustaches/
%
What happened to the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qj3c2/what_happened_to_the_dyslexic_devil_worshiper/
%
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qj1qc/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
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Sour patch kids remind me of my mom.

She was sour, sweet, then gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qj0uk/sour_patch_kids_remind_me_of_my_mom/
%
What's the hardest part of going vegetarian?

Giving up cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qix95/whats_the_hardest_part_of_going_vegetarian/
%
Why can't you ever accidentally ride a dolphin?

Because it's always on porpoise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qiwui/why_cant_you_ever_accidentally_ride_a_dolphin/
%
Be careful when following the masses

Sometimes the m is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qiwej/be_careful_when_following_the_masses/
%
When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control.

Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qivjb/when_i_was_a_teenager_i_used_to_punch_my_memory/
%
I was visiting my hometown and I drove past the data recovery center I used to work at.

It really brought back a lot of memories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qiryi/i_was_visiting_my_hometown_and_i_drove_past_the/
%
I was going to do a joke about time travel…

…but nobody liked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qirdg/i_was_going_to_do_a_joke_about_time_travel/
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What do you call a group of people in line for a plastic doll?

A barbie-queue!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qioht/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_people_in_line_for_a/
%
What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?

A Klondyke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qilwp/what_do_you_call_an_eskimo_lesbian/
%
Why did the baker have smelly fingers?

Because he kneaded a poo.
(This is my favourite silly joke, sorry if it's a repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qikw1/why_did_the_baker_have_smelly_fingers/
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The Priest and the Pope

Every year the Chief Rabbi will go to the Vatican to see the Pope. And every year he will do the same thing. He would walk all the way through the carpet to where the Pope sits, and hand him an ancient dusty bag. The Pope would then open the bag, and take out an ancient piece of paper and then shook his head. He then put it back and give it back to the Rabbi.
A young Priest saw this when he was very junior in the Vatican. He wondered what was on that piece of paper. He asked around, but nobody knew.
He worked immensely hard through the years, and finally he became the Pope.
The day has finally arrived. The Chief Rabbi hand him the bag, the new Pope finally gets to see what's inside.
He took it out nervously, shaking his hand.
It was the bill for the last supper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qijlr/the_priest_and_the_pope/
%
Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the beef stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qig0g/why_did_the_tomato_turn_red/
%
What do you call a bundle of holy wheat?

A Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qidyc/what_do_you_call_a_bundle_of_holy_wheat/
%
Why aren't you allowed to take inventories in afghanistan?

Because of the Tally Ban.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qic74/why_arent_you_allowed_to_take_inventories_in/
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My wife told me I only hear what I want to hear

I replied don't be silly, of course I'll take a blow job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qibh2/my_wife_told_me_i_only_hear_what_i_want_to_hear/
%
Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qi8x9/soap/
%
If the number 666 is evil...

... does that mean 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qi5id/if_the_number_666_is_evil/
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Who was the roundest knight at the round table?

Sir Cumference, he had too much pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qi3b0/who_was_the_roundest_knight_at_the_round_table/
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My friend once told me he had screwed every girl in his class

He was Homeschooled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qi0io/my_friend_once_told_me_he_had_screwed_every_girl/
%
God created the world

but everything else is made in China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhyxp/god_created_the_world/
%
What's a Mexicans favorite sport

Cross country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhyi2/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
%
Why was the clown crying?

Clinical depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhx50/why_was_the_clown_crying/
%
What do you call a vertically challenged person who's escaped from prison and can commune with the dead?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhvau/what_do_you_call_a_vertically_challenged_person/
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A Lesson in Morals

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhuau/a_lesson_in_morals/
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A drunk man sits down next to a priest on the subway...

A drunk Man sits down on a subway train next to a catholic priest. The man wreaked of a stale beer and cigarette smoke, his tie was stained with and his shirt filthy, his face plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
The man opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest, obviously bothered by man's foul stench and abhorrent behavior, sternly replies, “My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”
The drunk man looked up for a second, muttered in response, “Hmm...well, I’ll be damned,” the returned to his paper.
The priest, beginning to think he may have been a bit harsh, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk man answered, “Oh I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhtiu/a_drunk_man_sits_down_next_to_a_priest_on_the/
%
I was going to make a pizza joke...

... but it was too cheesy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qht35/i_was_going_to_make_a_pizza_joke/
%
Why don't feminists carry handguns?

Because of the triggers.
I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhq4v/why_dont_feminists_carry_handguns/
%
Times New Roman, Aerial, and Calibri walk into a bar.

The barman chases them out, yelling: "GET OUTTA HERE! WE DON'T SERVE YOUR TYPE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhpwp/times_new_roman_aerial_and_calibri_walk_into_a_bar/
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[NSFW] My favorite NSFW joke from my high school.

Three brothers owned a prized horse. One day when the brothers were checking in, they found the horse was dead. So they prayed the whole morning asking god to bring back the horse. Suddenly, a fairy appeared.
Fairy: I can bring back the horse but on one condition, at least one of you have to satisfy me with a really good fucking.
The 2nd brother(2nd by age) went first. He inserted his weiner and started fucking her. She was far from being satisfied instead she was bored.
Then came the oldest brother, a known womaniser. He was better than his younger brother, but still too far from satisfying her.
Finally, it was the turn of the youngest brother. He pulled out his dick and started fucking her. To everyone's surprise the fairy started moaning with joy within some seconds into action as that was the best sex she ever had. After a hour he was still going on but the fairy started moaning roughly and was so exhausted that she had to be separated by the other brothers to save her from any damage.
The fairy was more than satisfied.
Then impressed by his brother, the eldest one said ," Damn, man. What... How did you even.......". The youngest brother interrupted and replied ,"What did you think killed the horse?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhp46/nsfw_my_favorite_nsfw_joke_from_my_high_school/
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I love it doggy style. But my wife always insists

...that I give her a treat afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhlmr/i_love_it_doggy_style_but_my_wife_always_insists/
%
Manliest man ever contest

Three men joined the Manliest Man Ever contest, the one who passed 3 rooms will get the award:
- First room: 10 barrels of best wine
- Second room: 10 times with a very hot model
- Third room: 10 hours with a tiger.
The first guy goes with the girl room, and after 8 times, he quit. The second guy goes with the tiger, and after 8 hours, he quit.
The last guy said "f**k the contest, I will try the wine first", the he goes to the first room. After 10 barrels, he somehow managed to go to the tiger room. 10 hours later, he came out, and said
"Hell of a night man. Now, show me the tiger room"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhjct/manliest_man_ever_contest/
%
Why did the turkey cross the road?

It was the chickens day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhic8/why_did_the_turkey_cross_the_road/
%
2000's kids won't get this

Social security checks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhhve/2000s_kids_wont_get_this/
%
I held the door open for a Japanese guy today

He said, "sank you", so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he would bring up Pearl Harbor like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhhhw/i_held_the_door_open_for_a_japanese_guy_today/
%
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhfzs/what_do_you_call_a_girl_in_the_middle_of_a_tennis/
%
A little 3-year-old girl

was playing with her miniature tea set. Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping. The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water. He thought this was really cute, so she did it several more times. When the mother came home, the father had the mother stop and watch the little tea ritual, as her daughter brought the father another cup of tea (water) and he drank it. The mother said, “Very nice. But has it occurred to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhf50/a_little_3yearold_girl/
%
What do you get when you cross a hillbilly and a murder suspect?

A person of incest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhexc/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_hillbilly_and_a/
%
Anal invitation

"Let's go to your place." Said a fat girl.
"I would love to, but i don't have any lubricant"
"I don't think it's necessary, i'm not that tight" says the girl while smiling.
"Maybe you're not, but my door is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhenz/anal_invitation/
%
Have you heard about the expert farmer who has taken the role of scarecrow at his farm?

He's outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qhc1o/have_you_heard_about_the_expert_farmer_who_has/
%
My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with

"Only with you babe..." I replied
"Awww, really?"
"...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qh6qi/my_girlfriend_asked_me_with_how_many_girls_ive/
%
Two CPU's walk into a bar...

Which one pays?
[the one with more cache](#s)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qh4so/two_cpus_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why do Canadians do it doggy style?

So they both can watch the hockey game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qh3x1/why_do_canadians_do_it_doggy_style/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He Neverlands as it's always wendy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qh2ff/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
What do the Mafia and a vagina have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qh236/what_do_the_mafia_and_a_vagina_have_in_common/
%
My vet told me I'm spoiling my dog.

Not only am I over-feeding him, but apparently he can lick his own balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qh1uz/my_vet_told_me_im_spoiling_my_dog/
%
Copied joke from comments

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They’re mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That’s a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked. The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question.
He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qh0py/copied_joke_from_comments/
%
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qh0k4/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole_i/
%
A Russian Goes For His Eye Examination

The doctor places an eye chart before him and asks if he can recognize what's written.
The Russian: Are you kidding me? That's my cousin's name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgzvh/a_russian_goes_for_his_eye_examination/
%
During class

A teacher asks her young students what their favourite toys are.
"Mine's a choo-choo train!" shouts one student.
"Very good, but let's please use big people words." says the teacher.
"Mine's a dolly!" shouts a little girl.
"You mean a doll. Grown up words, please."
A kid at the back of the class raises his hand and shouts, "my favourite toy is Winnie the Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgz99/during_class/
%
A man takes a seat on his bus to work.

Not soon after, another man approaches him and says: 'Sir, you have to move; that's my seat'. The man, confused, replies 'you can't own a seat, this is a public service'. The other man replies 'Sir, I sit here every day. You have to get out of that seat'.
The seated man tells the other man 'I'm sorry, but I'm not going to leave this seat'
The other man, growing visibly frustrated, replies 'If you don't get out of that seat, I'm going to call the police'.
'Fine' the man says 'I'm sure they will side with me'
Soon enough, the police arrive at the bus station and to the man's surprise, they tell the man that he has to leave the seat.
'Fine then' the man replies 'I didn't want to drive the bus anyway'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgywx/a_man_takes_a_seat_on_his_bus_to_work/
%
You know the drill

But do you know the screwdriver?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgy67/you_know_the_drill/
%
A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange.

He gives the teller $100 CAD And receives $150 ¥ back.
He returns the following week to do the same thing. He gives the teller $100 CAD and receives $140 ¥.
He asks "I was in here last week, why am I not getting the same amount back?"
Teller replies, "Well, fluctuations."
The Japanese man says, "Oh yeah? Well fluck you white guys too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgxwy/a_japanese_man_walks_into_a_currency_exchange/
%
What's the most favorite day of British people?

Summer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgweo/whats_the_most_favorite_day_of_british_people/
%
I told my Girlfriend, "There's a party in my pants and you're invited."

She said it was a search party
:(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgvdo/i_told_my_girlfriend_theres_a_party_in_my_pants/
%
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their greatest hit was 'the wall'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgtv2/what_do_princess_diana_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
%
What's a Home Depot employee's favourite game

The customer is lava

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgs77/whats_a_home_depot_employees_favourite_game/
%
Bad puns

That's how eye roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgrar/bad_puns/
%
Why don't black people go on cruise ships?

Because they're not falling for that one again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgr7v/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruise_ships/
%
A young first mate officer asks his Captain, "Sir, why does not my ability evolve.

A young first mate officer asks his Captain,
"Sir, why does not my ability evolve. I don't seem to be getting better at the job?"
And the Captain patiently answers: "Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"
"Yes, my sir, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes,  sir, I have already witnessed it."
"Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, sir, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this fucking shit instead of focusing on work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgqz4/a_young_first_mate_officer_asks_his_captain_sir/
%
Procrastinating is like masturbating

It's fun at first, but when all is said and done, you've just fucked yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgpeb/procrastinating_is_like_masturbating/
%
Grandma's Beaver.

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower.
He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgpat/grandmas_beaver/
%
Why do Canadians always have such good hair?

Because of all the moose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgp6n/why_do_canadians_always_have_such_good_hair/
%
My girlfriend said she'd leave me unless I had a sex change. I almost lost my head.

...And my shaft...and my testicles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgo4m/my_girlfriend_said_shed_leave_me_unless_i_had_a/
%
I was going to make pancakes, then I wasn't…

Then I was.
Then I wasn't.
Then I was.
Now, it looks like I'm just waffling…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgn0u/i_was_going_to_make_pancakes_then_i_wasnt/
%
Why don't we have any alien visitors in our solar system?

I googled it and found the reason...
It's rated only '1 star' out there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgl98/why_dont_we_have_any_alien_visitors_in_our_solar/
%
Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolate

You share it with your whole family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgi56/ex_girlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolate/
%
A woman asks her husband:

Woman: Honey, what if someone on the street tried to hit on me and said: "Hey beautiful."?
Husband: Help him cross the road! He must be blind!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qghnu/a_woman_asks_her_husband/
%
A girl walks into the dry cleaner.

She drops off her blouse and leaves. The owner says,  "Come again!".  She replies, "No,  this time it's toothpaste."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgfvm/a_girl_walks_into_the_dry_cleaner/
%
My muslim neighbors were fighting over their suzuki and nissan cars.

The Ciaz vs Sunny problems are getting out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgf1v/my_muslim_neighbors_were_fighting_over_their/
%
What do you get when you cross alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgdti/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_alcohol_and/
%
A blonde and a brunette are watching 10 o'clock news...

A man is standing on the roof of his apartment building, threatening to jump. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you $50 he jumps!"
The blonde agrees, and the two continue watching until finally, the man jumps to his death.
The blonde pulls out her wallet and goes to hand the brunette the money, but the brunette refuses.
"I have to be honest, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news so I knew he was going to jump."
The blonde replies "I saw it too, I just didn't think he'd jump again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgdhw/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_watching_10_oclock/
%
Subway is like prostitution.

You pay a stranger to do your wife's job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgbt8/subway_is_like_prostitution/
%
She asked me to make her feel special

So I gave her a helmet and crayons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgar4/she_asked_me_to_make_her_feel_special/
%
I was shocked when the registered pharmacist was arrested for prostitution.

She also knew me very well since I have been a customer for years!
But I NEVER knew she was a pharmacist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qgadf/i_was_shocked_when_the_registered_pharmacist_was/
%
Asked my wife, why don't you tell me when you orgasm?

She said she doesn't like ringing me at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qg90l/asked_my_wife_why_dont_you_tell_me_when_you_orgasm/
%
Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qg6ql/guys_i_just_recently_bought_a_256gb_iphone_7_plus/
%
If a muslim hits his wife...

Is it considered domestic violence or child abuse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qg5h0/if_a_muslim_hits_his_wife/
%
Did you hear about the frog that traced his lineage back to Warsaw?

He was a tad polish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qg4gn/did_you_hear_about_the_frog_that_traced_his/
%
a plane crashed and every single person died, but how were there still survivors of the plane crash?

the married people on the plane survived

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qg4ad/a_plane_crashed_and_every_single_person_died_but/
%
I had booked a U2 for my wife's birthday party...

Unfortunately they had to cancel.  Luckily I found a replacement at the last minute.  This new guy was amazing.  He looked the part, sang all the songs exactly, and even his mannerisms were spot on.
After the party I went up to the replacement and asked how much I owed him for the gig.  He said, "Don't worry mate, I'm pro Bono."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qg3ej/i_had_booked_a_u2_for_my_wifes_birthday_party/
%
Were you born on September?

If so, it's pretty obvious your parents started their New Year with a bang ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qg281/were_you_born_on_september/
%
A lost dog strays into a jungle.

A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm…that was some good lion meat!”. The lion abruptly stops and says ” woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “get on my back, we’ll get him together”. So they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts “where the hell is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qfxrl/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle/
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New priest

There was a new priest that was going to take over for a retiring priest. As the old priest was showing the young priest around, they came up to the confessional booth. The young priest said:
"You know, I'm quite nervous about talking to people about their sins."
The old priest responded "Don't worry: I have a list in there that will tell you how many Hail Marys the person needs to say for the sin they've committed. And if you don't see one on the list, just get with the choir boys, they are great at coming up with stuff."
On his first day, the young priest meets his first parishioner. It is a young woman. The woman says "forgive me father for I have sinned. I have given another man, that is not my husband, a blowjob."
The priest can not find anything on the list. He begins to panic  and doesn't know what he is going to tell her. As it just so happens, a choir boy walks by. The priest poked his head out and says "hey kid what did the old priest used to give for a blowjob?"
The kid replied "A Kit-Kat and a Dr. Pepper..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qfs3l/new_priest/
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A guy is about to get married...

One day he asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex. His grandfather tells him, “When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day. Then later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.” The young fellow asks, “How about you and Grandma?” His grandfather replies, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.
She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells "F*ck you!" and I holler back "F*ck you too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qfrym/a_guy_is_about_to_get_married/
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A guy goes to the doctor.

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, ya gotta help me. My asshole's the size of a garbage can lid!"
The doctor is a little shocked and says, "You've got to be kidding. I'm sure it's not that bad. Tell me what happened."
The guy tells the doctor, "Well, I went on Safari and I ended up getting raped by an elephant."
The doctor thinks for a second and says, "Well, then it can't be the size of a garbage can lid. I'm no veterinarian, but I know that elephant penises are actually quite small."
After a short embarrassed pause, the guy guy sighs, "He fingered me first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qfrjw/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
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I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey

But I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qfpvx/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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A man walks into a luxury bar and asks for a Tequilla Sunrise....

He then pulls out a piano and 12" piano player. Piano player plays most beautiful music you have ever heard. Bartender falls in love with the music.
The guy then pulls out a lamp. Bartender asks, "What's in the lamp?" Guy says, "Genie! What else?" Bartender does not believe the guy. Guy summons genie. Genie says, "Okay. What do you want? Only one wish." Bartender says, "A million bucks." Genie grants wish.
Bartender waits. And waits. All of a sudden. One duck comes out of the women's bathroom, followed by a line of ducks. Bartender says to the guy, "Shit, I think the genie thought I wished for a million ducks." Guy says, "And you think I really wished for a 12" pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qfnrf/a_man_walks_into_a_luxury_bar_and_asks_for_a/
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Fighting on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics

It doesn't matter who wins, you're both retarded!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qfmxu/fighting_on_the_internet_is_like_competing_in_the/
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It takes a village to raise a child

But it takes a child to raise a penis
- Pope Francis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qfkbl/it_takes_a_village_to_raise_a_child/
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Two Guys From Buffalo

Two guys from Buffalo die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Buffalo, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"
Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Buffalo, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."
The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Buffalo and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Buffalonions reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Buffalo, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Buffalonions. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"
The Buffalonions look at the devil in surprise. "Well, ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Bills won the Super Bowl!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qfh6s/two_guys_from_buffalo/
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Did you hear about the cow that jumped over the picket fence?

It was an udder disaster!
Edit . Ruined the joke - udder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qfh1f/did_you_hear_about_the_cow_that_jumped_over_the/
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*My iPhone on Airplane mode*

Me: Siri, surely it must rain today
Siri: It won't and don't call me Shirley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qfg95/my_iphone_on_airplane_mode/
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Behold the bacon tree...

Three young solders are huddled behind a rock prepping to go and face the onslaught of fire ringing around them, when suddenly the world plunges into silence that not even the birds disturb. It's almost peaceful for a moment, if it weren't for the threat just beyond thier protective boulder.
The silence is painful to the first solder who says, "I'm going to crawl around the rock and when I come back, I'll tell you what I see." The other two knod and silently pray for him.
The young man crawls slowly and deliberately until he is out of sight, the other two hold thier breath in anticipation, praying for an 'all clear'.
Shots ring out and a cry of agony is heard from behind the rock as the solder shouts his final words, "A BACON TREE!". Then the world plunges into silence.
The last two solders look at each other silently weeping for the loss of thier friend, and they listen for any more signs of life. The second one makes a gesture then gets on the ground and begins crawling the other way around the rock, hoping that his friends death was not in vain.
The world seems silent once again, and the last solder thinks it's a good sign, his other friend hasn't been shot yet. He listens, but not a thing is heard.
Out of nowhere shots boom and the last words heard from beyond the rock is "IT'S A BACON TREE!"
The silence returns. The last solder sees no way out of this, both curiosity and agony are getting to him. He begins a careful climb up the top of the rock hoping to have a better chance than his friends. He tries to muffle even his slightest sounds, his heart is ringing in his ears.
When he gets to the top of the rock he sees a glimpse of the field beyond and gets shot in the shoulder, pain ripples through his body and he falls back off the rock. As he lies there bleeding to death he mutters to himself, "That was no bacon tree... That h.. that was a hambush."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qfaun/behold_the_bacon_tree/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Rich, white, and creamy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qf9tg/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Army budget cuts

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war. A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, we don't have enough rifles. What am I going to use for the war?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenant thought.
He grabbed a broom, sawed off the bottom, and handed it to the solder. "Here use this instead."
"How is this going to work?"
"When you see the bad guys coming at you, just point it at them and say 'Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang'".
So the private ran out with his new "rifle". But soon he came running back to the Lieutenant saying "Lieutenant, we don't have enough bayonets!"
The Lieutenant grabbed a piece of string off of his desk and gave it the private. "When you see the bad guys coming just throw this at them and say 'Stabity Stab Stab, Stab Stab.'"
So the private was all ready for his war. He was sitting in a fox hole, hating being out there, when he saw an enemy creeping along the top of a nearby hill.
He grabbed his broom, pointed it at the bad guy and said "Bangity Bang Bang Bangity Bang Bang" and he fell down dead.
"Wow this really works" thought the private. He started going through the underbrush when another enemy jumped out and try to gut him - he threw his string at him and said, 'Stabbity Stab Stab!'. The enemy fell down, dead.
Pretty soon, he saw another guy rampaging through the woods. He pointed his broomstick at him and yelled, 'Bangity Bang Bang!' Nothing, so he did it again, 'Bangity Bang Bang!' The guy was stomping he's feet. He threw the string, Stabbit Stab Stab!' The enemy kept stomping towards him and plowed over him, stomping him into the ground.
Then he heard the big guy mumbling as he went past  "Tankity Tank Tank Tankity Tank Tank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qf9fv/army_budget_cuts/
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A boy was watching TV with his father

When a sex scene came on.
"well son, time for bed" the father says.
"but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains.
The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qf6u0/a_boy_was_watching_tv_with_his_father/
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You don't see that everyday.

A man was driving his ferrari down a country road when a farmer flagged him down and said that his tractor died in a field and needed a little help. The man agreed to help tow the farmer's tractor back to his farm. They agreed that the tractor's left blinker meant speed up and the right blinker meant slow down. While the Ferrari was towing the tractor, a Lamborghini zoomed passed. The Ferrari driver forgot all about the tractor and the farmer and floored it. The two sports cars tore down the high way at incredible speeds. After awhile, the racers passed a police car and the police car radioed ahead about the speeders.
"Hey yeah, this is Jim. I'm warning you about a Ferrari and Lamborghini racing at 190 mph. But what you really need to be careful about is the tractor trying to pass them on the left."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qf6th/you_dont_see_that_everyday/
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My Grandpa said, your generation relies way too much on technology and then unplugged my phone.

I said no, your generation relies too much on technology and unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qf5s8/my_grandpa_said_your_generation_relies_way_too/
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I wish I had HIV

So I would at least have one positive thing in my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qf32a/i_wish_i_had_hiv/
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Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

Two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qf2tg/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
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I like my passwords like my girlfriends:

change them every 6 months, never share them and make sure my wife doesn't know any of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qf0wz/i_like_my_passwords_like_my_girlfriends/
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What's the difference between a 4 year old boy and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qevyu/whats_the_difference_between_a_4_year_old_boy_and/
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Trump and Pence go on a hunt.

As they are walking through the woods, they see an elk foraging.
"Hey look, an elk!" says Pence.
"Fake moose" says Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qeuhp/trump_and_pence_go_on_a_hunt/
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A few middle-aged coworkers got together for lunch at the Pasta House.

Having only known one another in the work environment prior, this lunch have them all a chance to unwind and get to know their coworkers on a personal level.
Tom put down his fourth bottle of Bud Light. "Please excuse for a second," said Tom. "I have to use the restroom."
As Tom was away, the group began to talk about their family.
Laura asked Robert, "So how is your son doing?"
"My son is doing fantastic," Robert said. "He graduated from law school a couple years ago and now has his own firm. He told me he recently met someone special, and he's thinking about marriage. In fact, he makes so much money, he told me he was able to buy his loved one a brand new boat!"
"That's great," Laura said.
"Wow, he sounds like he's living a great life," commented Jill. "What about your son, Laura?"
"Oh I am so proud of him! My son is a successful entrepreneur. He's been traveling around the country promoting his software business. He's still single, but he's been throwing me little hints he met someone special. I don't see much of him these days as he's always traveling, but apparently he's doing well; he told me he just bought a good friend brand new car!"
The group looks amazed. Robert turns to Jill, "You have a son don't you, Jill?"
"Yes," Jill responded. "My son is one of the top salesman in his company. He's living the dream, going to the most exotic locales often. It's so funny, because my son, too, earned so much commission money last month, he told me he bought his friend a brand new house!"
The group looks astonished. "Wow," they all say.
"That's great," says Robert.
Then, the group sees Tom coming back from the restroom to take his seat.
"Tom!" shouted Jill. "We we were talking about our sons and what they've been up to. What about you? I remember you telling us you had a son. What's he doing these days?"
"Well, my son's not doing too well," replies Tom. "He came out of the closet as gay about a month ago, which my wife and I suspected, but that's not the problem. The problem is he is a highly promiscuous sex addict. He will use different guys for sex and then drop them. He has gotten a couple different STDs the past month, and the doctor told him to slow down, but he refuses. My wife and I terribly worried about him."
"Oh, that's awful." Said Laura.
"I am so sorry," gasps Jill.
"Yeah, it's alright," replies Tom. "But the bright side is, he's living a life of luxury. He just got a boat, a car, and a house from three of his boyfriends!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qeu31/a_few_middleaged_coworkers_got_together_for_lunch/
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I walked into the pub

And the barman said, “Your wife looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you, Dave?”
“Whatever you’ve been drinking, mate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qerid/i_walked_into_the_pub/
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The best restaurant in space has great food

but no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qerdd/the_best_restaurant_in_space_has_great_food/
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What advice did the stoner give to his constipated friend?

Pass that shit, bro!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qepyu/what_advice_did_the_stoner_give_to_his/
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Two girls in a Catholic convent school.

One whispers to the other: "There's a contraceptive hidden behind the radiator!"
The other whispers back: "What's a radiator?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qepjl/two_girls_in_a_catholic_convent_school/
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Why did the golfer take two pairs of pants with him?

Just in case he got a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qem6n/why_did_the_golfer_take_two_pairs_of_pants_with/
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A man is wandering around saying

15, 15, 15.
A passer-by stops and asks what is this 15.
He says come with me. The passer-by follows and they reach a well.
The man says look inside. He looks inside. The man pushes him in and starts saying 16, 16, 16.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qejdu/a_man_is_wandering_around_saying/
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A blonde, brunette, and redhead are stuck on an island 100 miles away from mainland with no communication to anyone else.

The brunette gets fed up with staying on the island with no one to save them so she starts swimming towards the mainland
she gets about 30 miles in, gets too tired and drowns
The redhead also gets too bored on the island and decides to swim for it
she gets 60 miles in and gets too tired and drowns
The blonde, now all alone with no rescue in sight decides to also attempt to swim for it.
she gets 50 miles in, gets tired, decides that she would rather wait for rescue and swims 50 miles back onto the island

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qej8c/a_blonde_brunette_and_redhead_are_stuck_on_an/
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Whenever I shake someone's hand....

I always ask if they're nervous. They usually say no, and then I reply with "Then why are you shaking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qeimz/whenever_i_shake_someones_hand/
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Roses are red, tangerines are orange.

...shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qeigx/roses_are_red_tangerines_are_orange/
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Why aren't koalas actual bears?

Because they don't meet the koalafications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qedu3/why_arent_koalas_actual_bears/
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oink-ment!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qed1l/what_do_you_give_a_pig_with_a_rash/
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For sale: Dead canary

Not going cheap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qebh0/for_sale_dead_canary/
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A blind man walks past a fish market...

He stops and says, "Good morning ladies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qeaiv/a_blind_man_walks_past_a_fish_market/
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Why should you never write with a dull pencil?

Because it's pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qe8yd/why_should_you_never_write_with_a_dull_pencil/
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(Blonde joke I just remembered) A blonde and a brunette...

A blonde and a brunette are walking in a shopping mall and spot a man with really bad dandruff. He has a look of visible anger on his face as he passes the two girls. The brunette says "Wow, that guy could use some Head & Shoulders." The blonde says back "How do you give Shoulders?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qe7d6/blonde_joke_i_just_remembered_a_blonde_and_a/
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A quantum object turns from wave to a particle...

"It's just a prank bro! Look, there's the observer!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qe66d/a_quantum_object_turns_from_wave_to_a_particle/
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Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day

Got up too fast after watching the third film

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qe5wk/injured_myself_during_an_ironman_marathon_the/
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“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate.

“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qe362/so_how_long_are_you_in_for_i_asked_my_cell_mate/
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[NSFW] Having sex is a lot like wiping my ass

I don't stop until I see blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qe1x7/nsfw_having_sex_is_a_lot_like_wiping_my_ass/
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You can always tell when a chef is Russian.

They never put thyme into the dish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdxlv/you_can_always_tell_when_a_chef_is_russian/
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Sex is like being in the military

The closer you are to discharge, the better you feel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdx5x/sex_is_like_being_in_the_military/
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NSFW: What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you are sorry.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdsgv/nsfw_what_do_you_do_if_you_come_across_an/
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What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdpek/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdnoe/told_my_wife_i_was_so_stressed_that_only_a/
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A wife got so mad at her husband...

that she packed his bags and told him to get the hell out of the house. As he walked out, she screamed, "I hope you die a slow, painful death!" He turned around and said, "Does that mean you want me to stay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdnkr/a_wife_got_so_mad_at_her_husband/
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A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN LOVES GROWING TOMATOES

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdm91/a_beautiful_woman_loves_growing_tomatoes/
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What does an 80 year old woman have between her thighs that an 18 year old woman doesn't?

Her nipples.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdlzz/what_does_an_80_year_old_woman_have_between_her/
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I was texting a friend, and they misspelled a word, and i pointed it out. They called me a grammar nazi.

I called them a grammar not-see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdlo3/i_was_texting_a_friend_and_they_misspelled_a_word/
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I want to join an anxiety club...

But I'm afraid they won't accept me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdkfn/i_want_to_join_an_anxiety_club/
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How many Apples does it take to change a light bulb?

Two
One to change the bulb
The other to sell the iBulb for $600 and claim it's "revolutionary"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdjos/how_many_apples_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdiby/did_you_hear_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
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I was dancing with a girl in a club when I reached down with my hand and felt testicles and a penis.

Then I got escorted out for masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdfx5/i_was_dancing_with_a_girl_in_a_club_when_i/
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Tattoo for my wife

I tattooed the letters H and A on my dick for my wife. Now she can literally suck the Ha-penis out of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdfjv/tattoo_for_my_wife/
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I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls...

I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdf8x/i_was_about_to_smoke_weed_with_a_couple_cute/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"Better get some support around here or people are going to think we're nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdbxv/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
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History jokes ...

those who hear them are doomed to repeat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qdax1/history_jokes/
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What came first, the chicken or the egg?

I always assumed the rooster came first.
Credit goes to: u/Bodhi_Thom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qd9zt/what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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Two guys were walking down the street.

They see shit on the ground and one said to the other:
- Hey Johnny, I bet for a hundred dollars you won't eat this shit.
- Deal! Said Johnny as he started to eat shit off the ground.
Walking a little further they see another shit on the ground. And Johnny said:
- Hey Mike, I bet for a hundred dollars you won't eat this shit!
- Deal! Said Mike as he started to eat shit off the ground.
Then after walking for a minute, Mike turns towards Johnny and says:
- Johnny, I think we just ate shit for free!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qd8mo/two_guys_were_walking_down_the_street/
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How did the mathematician sleep?

Like a log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qd4ln/how_did_the_mathematician_sleep/
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My wife and I were ready to head out for dinner...

...windows closed, nightlight on, blanket over the bird cage and cat in the backyard.
We ordered an Uber which arrived shortly after.
But right when we were leaving the house, the damn cat ran back inside through the closing door. Cat alone at home is a bad idea though because she always tries to eat the birds.
So my wife got in the Uber and I went inside to hush the cat back out. This took quite some time.
My wife is a little over-cautious and didn't want the Uber driver to think the house will be empty.  So she told him that I just went back inside to say goodbye to my mother in law.
A few minutes later I was in the Uber too and apologized for being late. I said to my wife:
"That stupid bitch hid under the bed. So I had to use the broom to shove her fat ass out of there. She tried to run but I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped a blanket around her so she couldn't scratch me.
I took her down the stairs and threw her in the backyard. Let's just hope she doesn't shit in the pool again."
Needles to say it was a silent Uber ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qd2rc/my_wife_and_i_were_ready_to_head_out_for_dinner/
%
I've recently found this incredibly difficult mobile game, that involves matching things. I wish I could turn down the difficulty setting.

Whatever this "Tinder" thing is, it's kicking my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcxq3/ive_recently_found_this_incredibly_difficult/
%
What's the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend and a wife?

A hooker says "that's all", a girlfriend says "is that all?" and a wife says "blue. I think I'll paint the ceiling blue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcxex/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_a/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcu34/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates..

They will kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcsyc/ex_girlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Two vegans bump into eachother at a BBQ

"We must stop meating like this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcqwo/two_vegans_bump_into_eachother_at_a_bbq/
%
I read a riddle with a picture of an eye, a child, a finger pointing at me, and a knot

I kid you not, that's what it was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcp1j/i_read_a_riddle_with_a_picture_of_an_eye_a_child/
%
Time flies like an arrow

Fruit flies like a banana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcn22/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
Lucy, Linus, and Charlie Brown are assigned a history project.

Each person was assigned a country to report on.
“Wow!” Lucy said. “I got Italy!”
“Interesting” exclaimed Linus. “I got Germany.”
With dismay, Charlie Brown said, “I got Iraq.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcma8/lucy_linus_and_charlie_brown_are_assigned_a/
%
JFK wasn't a terribly focused president...

One convertible ride and his mind's all over the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qclct/jfk_wasnt_a_terribly_focused_president/
%
Little Johnny came home from school today

Little Johnny came home from school to find his mother angry at him.
"I got a call from the principal today, he said you fucked your teacher". Said little Johnny's mother.
After little Johnny got scolded by his mom, "wait until your dad gets home from work", she said.
After an hour little Johnny's dad came home, he and wasn't angry at little Johnny, he was proud.
He was proud of little Johnny because when he was the same age as little Johnny he wanted to fuck his hot teacher but he was too scared.
So instead of punishing little johnny, he took him to celebrate and to buy a bicycle.
After a long day of celebrating, little johnny father says to little johnny "are you gonna ride your bike?"
Little johnny replied, "No dad my ass is still hurting".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcjdt/little_johnny_came_home_from_school_today/
%
A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband.

"Does he hit you?" she asked.
"No Ma."
"Is he cheating on you?"
"No Ma."
"Did he lose his money?"
"No Ma."
"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. What does he do so wrong?"
"It's the anal sex ma.  He likes the anal sex."
"And what's so bad about that?"
"It's terrible ma.  Always with the anal sex.  When we got married, my butthole was the size of a dime.  Now it's the size of a quarter. It's just terrible."
"It seems like you are giving up an awful lot just for 15 cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcj4x/a_jewish_mother_was_horrified_to_find_out_her/
%
Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?

In a communest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcj0y/where_does_a_socialist_bird_lay_its_eggs/
%
A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table

. Suddenly the door slams open and a salami walks in.
"You look parched my friend, would you like a drink?" Asks one of the sausages.
"No thankyou" says the salami "I don't drink".
"Join us for a smoke then" replies another of the sausages
"No thankyou" replies the salami. "Not for me".
"Well you must have some reason for being here?" Asks the third sausage.
The salami looks around and sheepishly shrugs. "Sorry, wrong door. Like you guys I used to be a heavy smoker and hooked on a poker, but I'm cured now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcgbw/a_bunch_of_sausages_are_smoking_around_a_poker/
%
Yesterday, there was a fire in a shoe factory.

Hundreds of soles were lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcf8x/yesterday_there_was_a_fire_in_a_shoe_factory/
%
A woman and her daughter are hosting a dinner party.

When all the guests arrive, the woman asks the little girl to say grace. She says, "But Mommy, I don't know what to say?" The mother says, "You've heard me pray. Just say you've heard me say." So the girl says, "Jesus, what was I thinking inviting all these people over to my house?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qceob/a_woman_and_her_daughter_are_hosting_a_dinner/
%
Eating food is a lot of work.

It's the most calorie consuming thing I do all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcd9q/eating_food_is_a_lot_of_work/
%
What do you call a gay black man on a bus ?

A passenger. You homophobic racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qccgp/what_do_you_call_a_gay_black_man_on_a_bus/
%
I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcc3k/im_60_days_clean_now/
%
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said,
"That's not how you spell criticism."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcbzh/i_found_my_son_hanging_from_a_rope_in_his_bedroom/
%
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcbn7/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
%
When I was at the immigration office, I interrupted an officer answering his phone and told him "Ship them back where they came from. They have a tendency to explode". He arrested me for being Islamophobic.

As I was dragged out, I was yelling "I was talking about your Samsung Galaxy Note 7!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcb1z/when_i_was_at_the_immigration_office_i/
%
I have sex almost every day

Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcb1g/i_have_sex_almost_every_day/
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10.

He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qcalu/arnold_schwarzenegger_was_asked_if_he_wanted_to/
%
A trucker who has been out on the road

for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qc9l6/a_trucker_who_has_been_out_on_the_road/
%
What do you call a gay drive-by?

a fruit roll-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qc9jg/what_do_you_call_a_gay_driveby/
%
The trumpeter

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.
Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits
in the last row next to an elderly couple.
The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.
The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music", to which the elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qc6gm/the_trumpeter/
%
My girl wants to travel so bad

I told her to pick up a basketball and take three step

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qc4n1/my_girl_wants_to_travel_so_bad/
%
What do you call a a homosexual crocodile?

A gaytor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qc3lw/what_do_you_call_a_a_homosexual_crocodile/
%
My wife.. its difficult to say what she does..

She sells seashells by the seashore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qc2pp/my_wife_its_difficult_to_say_what_she_does/
%
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic.

I was in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qc27v/i_refused_to_believe_i_was_gay_and_dyslexic/
%
A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.
She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbzer/a_guy_rings_his_new_girlfriends_doorbell/
%
The man at the bar with a crocodile.

A man ones walked into a bar with a tamed crocodile under his arm.
He sits at the bar and ofcourse gets all the attention.
He lays the croc down on the table and opens its mouth. The man then unzips his pants and lays his willy in the mouth of the crocodile and stomps the crocodile as hard as possible on its mouth.
The man says: ''Who dares to do what I just did, gets 100 bucks''
An old lady walks up to him and says: ''Sure, but don't hit me so hard in the head!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qby2a/the_man_at_the_bar_with_a_crocodile/
%
One old man says to another old man- "I think my wife might be dead"

The other man says - why do you say that - and he replies "well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbxpd/one_old_man_says_to_another_old_man_i_think_my/
%
What do you call security guards, working at the samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbsnh/what_do_you_call_security_guards_working_at_the/
%
Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.
As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are Birth Control pills?"
"Yes. They help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you that there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep."
The elderly woman reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes dear, I know that. But, every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. Believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbrhh/grandmother_gets_a_new_doctor/
%
Did you hear about the lying white supremacist mathematician?

Fibber Nazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbq7n/did_you_hear_about_the_lying_white_supremacist/
%
Why won't you ever hear a psychopath urinate?

Because the p is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbpf1/why_wont_you_ever_hear_a_psychopath_urinate/
%
What do 7 out of every 8 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbp1g/what_do_7_out_of_every_8_people_enjoy/
%
Did you hear about the hungry clock?

It went back four seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbnns/did_you_hear_about_the_hungry_clock/
%
Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the living shit out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbke1/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
%
I just cancelled my overpriced gym membership

I feel like I've finally lifted a huge weight off my chest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbk9w/i_just_cancelled_my_overpriced_gym_membership/
%
Little Johnny grows up and people now call him Me. Johnson and his son goes to school

So Junior Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
Mr. Johnson exclaims: "Lets double the bet; I bet red now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbjs3/little_johnny_grows_up_and_people_now_call_him_me/
%
What has aids and flies?

Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbixg/what_has_aids_and_flies/
%
A cute homonym

This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor.
Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..."
Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's also got a nice pair of tits too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbipo/a_cute_homonym/
%
How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?

They'll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbgpw/how_do_mexicans_feel_about_trumps_wall/
%
I was having sex with a friends wife

the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed
She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbf3p/i_was_having_sex_with_a_friends_wife/
%
Why can't autistic people tell jokes?

Because they always punch up the fuck line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbdk1/why_cant_autistic_people_tell_jokes/
%
Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me

Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbbc0/me_when_i_donate_blood_i_do_not_extract_it_myself/
%
How many gays can you put on a barstool?

Four, if you put it upside down.
Credit to my gay friend Wheezie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qbatf/how_many_gays_can_you_put_on_a_barstool/
%
I'm trying to become bilingual

Does anyone know how to say "this is a pretty small orange" in mandarin?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qb9rt/im_trying_to_become_bilingual/
%
What do you get when you take the vowels out of Reince Priebus' name?

RNC PR BS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qb94g/what_do_you_get_when_you_take_the_vowels_out_of/
%
I think I’ve been watching too much porn recently.

My self-winding watch is up to September 2033.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qb5zo/i_think_ive_been_watching_too_much_porn_recently/
%
I have CDO.

Its like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order.
As it should be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qb46l/i_have_cdo/
%
Did you hear about the man that sexually assaulted a Wal-Mart cashier?

He is a register 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qb2wy/did_you_hear_about_the_man_that_sexually/
%
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qayom/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_a_mathematicians_have/
%
My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.

“Eleven,” I replied.
“Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed.
“No,” I said, “I’m their coach.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qaxxc/my_new_girlfriend_asked_me_how_many_girls_ive/
%
My son came out to me as a transgender

Guess i'm transparent now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qavtg/my_son_came_out_to_me_as_a_transgender/
%
What's the difference between a calorie and a dick?

Your mom can tell you how many calories she eats per day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qatsv/whats_the_difference_between_a_calorie_and_a_dick/
%
"Give it to me now!" she yelled "I'm so wet!"

She can scream all she wants...I'm not giving her the fucking umbrella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qat0k/give_it_to_me_now_she_yelled_im_so_wet/
%
Whats the difference between enzymes and hormones?

I've never made an en zyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qasiq/whats_the_difference_between_enzymes_and_hormones/
%
A woman gets offered $100 for sex...

"I'll simply put the money on the floor and do my thing till you pick up the money. As soon as you're done collecting I'll stop", says the man.
"Let me discuss it with my boyfriend. I'll get back to you tomorrow."
So the woman goes home and mulls it over with her boyfriend.
"That's great! It's free money! Just pick up the note before the bastard even has a chance to drop his pants."
So the woman agrees and returns home the next day.
"So, how'd it go?", questions the man.
The woman walking lopsided yells, "The bastard had all quarters!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qanm8/a_woman_gets_offered_100_for_sex/
%
Funny adult jokes - Three daughters

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding. On top of it there was just one word: "Nescafe". Her mother ran into the  kitchen, find a coffee "Nescafe" and read on the label: "Blessing" until the  last drop". Mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter's happiness.
The second daughter sent the postcard from Jamaica a few days later, where she read "Benson n Hedges" cigars. She immediately went to the man's room, where she found his "Benson Hedges" and read "Extra Long cigars. King Size". She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter.
The third daughter went off for the honeymoon to Caribbean. Mother was waiting for
the week – nothing. Week later - nothing again. Only a month later finally got a
postcard, where with the trembling hand was written "British Airways". Mother quickly found a journal and began to look for what she was affraid about, and then she found British Airways advertisement and read: "Three times a day, seven days a week, in both ends!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qai0d/funny_adult_jokes_three_daughters/
%
Two retired gentlemen meet while sunning themselves on the beach

They get to talking about themselves.
One says, "I was in the retail business. I started out with a tiny clothing shop, and through a lifetime of long hours and hard work, built my way up to a nice department store. Things got tough when the chain stores started moving in. Then, tragedy. A fire wiped me out. Luckily, the insurance was enough to cover my losses and then some. Rather than start over, I decided to retire to Florida a little earlier than I planned."
The other guy said, "My story is much the same. I was in manufacturing, and built my way up from a tiny shop in my garage to a big factory. I too find myself here as the result of disaster. There was a massive flood that destroyed my inventory and equipment. I couldn't face starting from scratch, and when the insurance offered a generous settlement I took it and started my new life here."
The first guy leans in and whispers, "How do you start a flood?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qafys/two_retired_gentlemen_meet_while_sunning/
%
I was having sex with my wife last night

when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”
“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”
“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qafwa/i_was_having_sex_with_my_wife_last_night/
%
Older lady in the bus snaps at a guy with a dog...

Please get that thing away from me. I can feel flees on my legs.
Dog owner to dog: Rex move away, the lady has flees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qacdf/older_lady_in_the_bus_snaps_at_a_guy_with_a_dog/
%
Drivers be aware

. The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A421, near the Northampton roundabout recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qabtq/drivers_be_aware/
%
How do you know when you're in an abusive relationship?

I don't know, beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qa8wn/how_do_you_know_when_youre_in_an_abusive/
%
My friend returned home all disappointed after his unsuccessful job interview.

I asked him, “You seem well qualified. Why didn’t you get the postman’s job?”
“I don’t know. I wonder if it has something to do with me writing ‘stamp collections’ as my hobby.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qa551/my_friend_returned_home_all_disappointed_after/
%
My wife's skydiving experience ended horrifically.

The parachute worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qa41t/my_wifes_skydiving_experience_ended_horrifically/
%
What is 6.9?

Something wonderful ruined by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qa1pv/what_is_69/
%
Mistakes

I told my mum to embrace her mistakes. So She hugged me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qa1hm/mistakes/
%
Why did the Jews roam the desert for 400 years?

Someone lost a quarter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6qa0zi/why_did_the_jews_roam_the_desert_for_400_years/
%
What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9zr8/what_has_4_wheels_and_flies/
%
I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9yk2/im_on_a_whiskey_diet/
%
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business...

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own
business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to
breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn't take it so
she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll
have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said,
"Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice
man here."
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted
out,  "Come on kid.  Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9xyc/a_man_was_riding_on_a_full_bus_minding_his_own/
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An Engineer was unemployed for a long time...

He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9xs3/an_engineer_was_unemployed_for_a_long_time/
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I just dropped my phone in mayonnaise

Fucking Hellmann

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9vph/i_just_dropped_my_phone_in_mayonnaise/
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And the class roared even more...

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about the final exam to be held the next day. He said that there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a dire medical condition or the death of an immediate family member. One smart ass male student then asked, *"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"*, and the entire class burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student and said, *"Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9tv8/and_the_class_roared_even_more/
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The hottest girl sat next to me on the train today...

I kept thinking to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection".
But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9pxz/the_hottest_girl_sat_next_to_me_on_the_train_today/
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Robot For Sex

A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming..
She told her lover to stay like robot and not to move.
Husband: What is this?
Wife: This is a robot I bought to have sex with when you are traveling...
Husband: Okay.. Lets have sex now...
Wife: No sweetheart.. Yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you..
After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I will f*ck this robot...
He tried f*cking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way..
"System error
Wrong hole
System error
Wrong hole.."
Husband: Damn robot is not working properly.. I am throwing it out of the window..
The lover realized that he was on the 20th floor he said:
"SOFTWARE UPDATED"
"PLEASE TRY AGAIN"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9po8/robot_for_sex/
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Post-WW2 Soviet joke

\- Who is your mother?
\- Our great Soviet state!
\- Who is your father?
\- Our dear comrade Stalin!
\- What's your dream?
\- Becoming an orphan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9mqu/postww2_soviet_joke/
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How did the crazy person find their way through the woods?

They took the psycho path.
Whamo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9miq/how_did_the_crazy_person_find_their_way_through/
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A sailor is stranded on a desert island with nothing but palm fronds and sea anemones to live off. Finally when he was recused the rescuers asked why was he covered in anemones with a ring of palm fronds in arms reach. He replies, 'I keep my fronds close but my anemones closer'.

'With fronds like that, who needs anemones?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9kb3/a_sailor_is_stranded_on_a_desert_island_with/
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If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

K9P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9i68/if_h2o_is_on_the_inside_of_a_fire_hydrant_what_is/
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A cowboy and architect walk into a bar

The architect challenges anyone who can design the best building in 5 minutes
The cowboy accepts the challenge
The architect and cowboy are handed a pen and paper
The bartender counts them down and says "3..2..1.. draw!"
And the cowboy shoots the architect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9i5a/a_cowboy_and_architect_walk_into_a_bar/
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What is Gods favourite chord?

G sus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9guu/what_is_gods_favourite_chord/
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A farmer sees a boy walking down his drive with something in his hand

The farmer says "boy what you got in your hand"?boy says Chicken wire, I'm Gnna catch me some chickens......farmer says "you can't catch chickens with that chicken wire....the boy comes walking back after a bit...has 6 chickens in the chicken wire...
Next day..farmer sees the boy..."boy what you got in your hands"? Boy says "Duct Tape" Gnna go catch me some ducks....farmer says "boy you can't catch no ducks with that"....the boy comes walking back after a bit....has 8 ducks wrapped in the duct tape...
Next day...farmer sees the boy..."boy what you got in your hands"?  Boy says "Pussy Willows"....farmer says "hold on, let me get my hat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9exn/a_farmer_sees_a_boy_walking_down_his_drive_with/
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An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant...

... They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering “That poor old couple — all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they’re just fine — they’re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks “May I ask what is it you are waiting for?”
The old woman answers… “THE TEETH.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9dx2/an_elderly_couple_walk_into_a_fast_food_restaurant/
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"Dad, why is my sister named Madonna?"

"Because your mother thought the world needed another Madonna!"
"Thanks, Dad!"
"No problem, Holocaust!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q9do0/dad_why_is_my_sister_named_madonna/
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How to catch a bear...

1st - Dig a huge hole and fill it with wood
2nd - Light the wood on fire and burn it until there is nothing but ashes
3rd - Place peas all around the outside of the hole
Now, when the bear bends over to take a pea, you kick him right in the ash hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q99f8/how_to_catch_a_bear/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not many, just Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q991q/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q952q/i_like_metal_bands_with_female_lead_singers/
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I just saw my first porno the other day...

I can't believe how young I looked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q93wc/i_just_saw_my_first_porno_the_other_day/
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Women age like whiskey

The packaging gets a little fucked up but the shit inside stays pretty much the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q92w6/women_age_like_whiskey/
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Why was the pepsi worker fired?

He tested positive for coke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q8vh6/why_was_the_pepsi_worker_fired/
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What's big and white and can't climb a tree?

A refrigerator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q8rdz/whats_big_and_white_and_cant_climb_a_tree/
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How many moths does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know but they keep trying anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q8lpx/how_many_moths_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
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We all know Trump will just fire the next batch.

In other words, Reince and repeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q8hr6/we_all_know_trump_will_just_fire_the_next_batch/
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Farmer meets with Banker annually

The Farmer has to meet with the banker, talk about the crops for the year, talk about grain prices, and try to forecast the year's output to plan out expenses for the year.
When the banker arrives at the farm he notices a very tame and friendly pig, running around as if nothing's wrong, had a wooden leg. If you didn't know any better you would think the pig was a dog, would help the old farmer out of his truck, hold the spring gate open for him, just a wonderful pig.
As the farmer explains his planting strategy, watering plans, etc, the banker gets ever more curious about the pig and it's wooden leg, and decides to asks about the pig.
The farmer explains, "This pig?! Oh, this is a wonderful pig, early this spring, the chickens were awoken by a fox in the middle of the night, and the pig stormed in there and chased off the fox, such a wonderful pig."
Mid-way through the season, the banker's curiosity gets the best of him and decides to do a wellness check on the farmer and as he pulled up, noticed the pig had two wooden legs.
The farmer instantly explains about forecasts and how he wouldn't have any trouble paying his loan in full, but the banker isn't interested, and asks again about the pig.
"Oh this pig?!", exclaims the farmer, "such a wonderful pig. Just last week, it saved my life. I fell in the kitchen, and he ran 5 miles to the neighbors to get help, just such a wonderful pig".
Normally, the bank only meets with the farmer annually, but had to know the story with the pig and two wooden legs, he makes up another story to check in on the farmer after harvest time. Upon arrival, notices the same pig, this time with three wooden legs.
He meets the farmer at the gate with his pet pig, and the farmer is confused why the banker is there. The debts are paid up, but the Banker explains, "Sorry to drop in on you, but before I forget, why does your pet pig have three wooden legs?"
The farmer asks, "If you had such a wonderful pig, would you eat him all at once?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q8fz9/farmer_meets_with_banker_annually/
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A Roman soldier walked into an inn..

"One Martinus please!"
The bartender said, "You mean a martini?"
The soldier responded - "If I wanted two of them, I would've asked for it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q8fbp/a_roman_soldier_walked_into_an_inn/
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A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear with a woman on his back...

...
His friends see him and ask "hey man, what are you supposed to be?"
He replies "Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle"
His friend responds "A turtle? How are you supposed to be a turtle? And who is that woman on your back?"
The man replies "Oh, that's Michelle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q8cnd/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party_wearing_nothing_but/
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'NSFW' I nicknamed my dick 'U.S. Military Presence'

Because it never pulls out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q898g/nsfw_i_nicknamed_my_dick_us_military_presence/
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Which sport is the quietest?

Bowling. You can hear a pin drop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q868l/which_sport_is_the_quietest/
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A man balks in a war

He's charged for dereliction of duty and takes up drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q85c6/a_man_balks_in_a_war/
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I heard the military is assembling a crack squad made up of all T-Rexes

Makes sense - I hear T-Rexes are small arms experts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q857c/i_heard_the_military_is_assembling_a_crack_squad/
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My ex-wife still misses me...

But her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q83wn/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm afraid not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q83vu/a_string_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_few_friends_and/
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My mom said she had an aunt who claimed to never poop

She must've been really full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q82fp/my_mom_said_she_had_an_aunt_who_claimed_to_never/
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What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q81yv/what_do_you_call_an_attractive_jewish_lemon_with/
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How do billboards talk?

Sign Language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q81h8/how_do_billboards_talk/
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Shout out to people wondering

...what the opposite of 'in' is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q80ev/shout_out_to_people_wondering/
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Why does Waldo from the "Where's Waldo" books wear stripes?

Because he doesnt wan't to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q7zxs/why_does_waldo_from_the_wheres_waldo_books_wear/
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What’s a stalker and a Pokemon nerd got in common?

They both hide in the bushes trying to get a Pikachu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q7y3q/whats_a_stalker_and_a_pokemon_nerd_got_in_common/
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I used to own a pair of racehorses, named one-one & two-two. One-one won one race

22112

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q7xe7/i_used_to_own_a_pair_of_racehorses_named_oneone/
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A man sued an airplane company for misplacing his luggage.

He lost his case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q7w4o/a_man_sued_an_airplane_company_for_misplacing_his/
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My girlfriend said having a four inch penis is OK

Still, I wish she didn't have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q7vkc/my_girlfriend_said_having_a_four_inch_penis_is_ok/
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What did Germany say to France after conquering Poland?

Europe next.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q7vdh/what_did_germany_say_to_france_after_conquering/
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Lesson 6 of 6: The Bird, the Cat and the Cow dung

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the dung was actually thawing her out. She lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly dug her out and ate her.
**Moral of the story**
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q7r80/lesson_6_of_6_the_bird_the_cat_and_the_cow_dung/
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I like my violence how I like my beer.

Domestic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q7jdz/i_like_my_violence_how_i_like_my_beer/
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What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q7ikx/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_a_twitch/
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An old lady dies and goes to Heaven.

She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q7ikn/an_old_lady_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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I've named my dick Batman

Because ladies love it when the Dark Knight Rises

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q7gv7/ive_named_my_dick_batman/
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How do you offend a white person?

Tell them they can't tell racist jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q7eqc/how_do_you_offend_a_white_person/
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Why don't farmers go to school?

Because they're outstanding in their fields.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q7coc/why_dont_farmers_go_to_school/
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2 girls were talking on the playground...

One looks to the other and asks, "Do you guys pray before you eat dinner?"
The other replies, "No, my mom knows how to cook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q7cf6/2_girls_were_talking_on_the_playground/
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Did you hear about the Mexican Train Murder?

They said he had a loco motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q79as/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_murder/
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Met this girl in a nightclub

She's absolutely stunning and all over me. Couldn't believe my luck. Things are going great and she invites me back to hers. Damn straight.
On the way back to her flat though, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. But I put it out of my head. We get in, things progress quickly and I'm in her bedroom sucking her dick when suddenly it hits me like a tonne of bricks.
I'd left my damn wallet in the club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q71mw/met_this_girl_in_a_nightclub/
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I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor..

At first I panicked, then remembered that McDonalds does all day breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q6y8f/i_woke_up_to_find_my_wife_lying_unconscious_on/
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Here in Soviet Russia

You rob bank.
Here in Capitalist America, bank rob you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q6u12/here_in_soviet_russia/
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A bunch of beer company CEOs are at a conference and they decide to go get a drink...

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light, the CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light, the CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light, and the list goes on. The bartender makes his way to the CEO of Guiness and he orders a Coke.
His colleagues ask, "why don't you order a Guiness?"
And the Guiness CEO replies, "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q6tpv/a_bunch_of_beer_company_ceos_are_at_a_conference/
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Why are plants so skinny?

They usually have a light lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q6r6u/why_are_plants_so_skinny/
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What would the Simpsons do...

If their clothes were itchy and scratchy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q6pd9/what_would_the_simpsons_do/
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I bought my best friend a plush elephant to keep in his room.

Friend: "Thank's for the elephant!"
Me: "Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q6lsw/i_bought_my_best_friend_a_plush_elephant_to_keep/
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Lesson 5 of 6: The Flying Turkey

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.
**Moral of the story**: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q6kvh/lesson_5_of_6_the_flying_turkey/
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What's the proper name for a gay couch?

A homosectional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q6jay/whats_the_proper_name_for_a_gay_couch/
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"Do Not only strike while the iron is hot, but make it hot by striking."-Oliver Cromwell

Tried this on my girlfriend, now I'm going to jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q6ikw/do_not_only_strike_while_the_iron_is_hot_but_make/
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I doubt vodka is the answer....

But it's worth a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q6ht1/i_doubt_vodka_is_the_answer/
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I Know It's Bad Politics but...

I've secretly been running a smear campaign on all the toilets at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q6e75/i_know_its_bad_politics_but/
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A reporter worked in Israel. Every day she'd see the same Jewish man go to the religious "West Wall" three times a day and pray. He didn't miss a prayer in 20 years.

One day she approached him and asked what he prays for "In the morning I pray for my family's health, in the afternoon I pray for world peace, and in the evening I pray for an end to suffering"
"What's it like to pray 3 times a day for 20 years?" the reporter asked.
The Jewish man replied "It's a bit like talking to a brick wall"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q6cjq/a_reporter_worked_in_israel_every_day_shed_see/
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Found a surprisingly emotional pornographic film today.

It was a real tear jerker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q69lv/found_a_surprisingly_emotional_pornographic_film/
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Nun joke we used to tell back when I was in catholic school

Back in the Mexican revolution a bunch of armed men enter a convent and start rounding up all of the nuns in the cafeteria. The leader of the bandits starts yelling:
"We are part of the Pancho Villa army and it is our right to take what we want! We want all of your food and supplies!"
Sister Mary yells from the back: Not the chickens, please, not the chickens!
"I said ALL of your food and supplies!" replied the bandit. "Plus, we are going to rape everyone of you!"
"Not Superior Sister Prudence, please! She's 80 years old!" yelled sister Mary again.
Before the bandit could say anything there was a commotion in the back. It was Superior Sister Prudence making her way to the front yelling: "He said EVERYONE!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q67po/nun_joke_we_used_to_tell_back_when_i_was_in/
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A man goes to prison for the first time...

He's pretty nervous, having never been behind bars before.
He turns to his cellmate and says, "I've never been to prison before, I'm not sure I'm going to make it!"
The cellmate, eager to comfort the new inmate, "Aw, prison isn't so bad! I think you'll grow to enjoy it after awhile."
"What makes you say that?", asks the new prisoner.
"Well, do you like baseball?" the cellmate asks.
"Sure I do!", the man responds with enthusiasm
"Great! Every Tuesday we have a big baseball game out in the yard. Everyone joins in and it's a lot of fun", explains the cellmate
The new inmate is surprised, "Well that doesn't sound so bad!" he says.
The cellmate goes on, "Do you like Italian food?"
"It's my favorite!" says the man.
The cellmate responds again, "Well, every Wednesday we have a big Italian feast in cafeteria!"
The man is even more surprised, "This really doesn't sound bad at all!"
The inmate continues, "Say, do you happen to be a homosexual?"
The man, feeling a bit cautious, "I can't say that I am, I have a wife and kids at home".
"Ahh, well you're not gonna like Thursdays".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q64ak/a_man_goes_to_prison_for_the_first_time/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korea’s long range ballistic missile can’t reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q6379/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

Because they kept running around screaming, "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q62tu/why_did_mozart_kill_all_of_his_chickens/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man quickly replies 'You go up there and tell that bastard off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q62g2/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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So the Beatles go to America for the first time.

They go to a currency exchange place by the airport and the ask for (along with a decent sum of cash) some of each type of coin so that they could be familiarized with the currency.
They're rich enough that they don't have to skimp out on the number of coins they get, so the cashier gives them four rolls of each type of coin--pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. Sure, maybe it was overkill, but they were in America, where bigger meant better, so they didn't mind.
The Beatles were not a particularly rich sort before their big break, so it may not be surprising that they went from withdrawing no money at the bank to withdrawing a lot of it, leaving no middle room to go there asking for coins. It was, in fact, the first time any of them had seen a coin roll.
"Look at this!" said Paul, "That's a bloody line of quarters! A quarter line! And all the other coins are in lines too!"
The cashier tried to explain coin rolls, but the Beatles were already so overjoyed with this discovery that they didn't hear and kept on calling them coin lines.
They walk out and get in a car with a driver that was waiting for them--Ringo in the front, George in the back left, Paul in the back right, and John in the middle.
They put the money in the middle of the car, in the little bit of space between driver and passenger seat. There's no pocket there, as the car is from the sixties, but it shouldn't really matter--after all, they're worth a lot more than their money is.
They drive out of the airport when, all of a sudden, a car traveling in the opposite direction identifies them and tries to swerve in front of them to stop the car. The Beatles speed up to counter, and they end up colliding head-on.
Majestically, three of the Beatles are unscathed as well as the driver. But the fourth--John, who was sitting directly behind the money, took the full brunt of the blow. The quarters, nickels, and dimes drove into his chest before bouncing back down to the floor of the car, but the penny rolls were launched in such a trajectory that they lodged themselves into various facial features.
When the initial shock died down, Ringo asked, "John, are you okay?" But John couldn't hear or see him--those appendages were blocked off.
"Aaa-argh!" shouted Lennon, "Penny lines are in my ears and in my eyes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q61ie/so_the_beatles_go_to_america_for_the_first_time/
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I formed a band called '999 megabytes'

We haven't found a gig yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q5xdu/i_formed_a_band_called_999_megabytes/
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What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q5u5e/whats_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
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I can't marry you Christina, my family is totally against it.

"This is your life! Who are they to stop you?"
"My wife and two kids"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q5t37/i_cant_marry_you_christina_my_family_is_totally/
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If Britain has Brexit...

Did the Czech Republic check-out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q5s4h/if_britain_has_brexit/
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A Small collection of my friend's favorite science jokes.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”
“For you, sir, no charge!”
What's 2 times 2?
Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”
Mathematician: “After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!”
Engineer: “4, obviously, but lets make it 5, just to be on the safe side.”
Three logicians walk into a bar. “You all want a beer?” the bartender asks.
“I don’t know,” says the first logician.
“I don’t know either,” says the second logician.
Says the third logician, “If that’s the case, then we all want a beer.”
Atom 1: “I think I lost one of my electrons somewhere.”
Atom 2: “Are you sure?”
Atom 1: ”Yes, I’m positive!”
A neutrino walks through a bar.
A photon checks into a hotel. “Do you need help with your luggage?” the clerk asks.
“No thanks, I’m travelling light.”
A mathematician walks into a bar. “I’ll have a pint, and then half a pint and then a quarter of a pint and then an eighth of a pint-”
The bartender, who is also a mathematician, interrupts him, “Two pints, coming right up!”
A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician travel together by train. Right after entering Scotland they see a black sheep standing on top of a hill.
“Look at that,” says the biologist. “Apparently the sheep in Scotland are black.”
“Nonsense!” says the physicist. “All we can say for sure is that there is one sheep in Scotland that’s black.”
“I am afraid you are both wrong,” the mathematician explains. “The only thing that is certain is that there is a sheep in Scotland, which is black on at least one side.”
There are two types of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from from incomplete data.
What is the value of the contour integral around Western Europe?
Zero, all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.
Why were the Romans so bad at algebra?
They always ended up with X equals 10.
“I never get any good data. Sometimes I think the particle accelerator hates me.”
“Never anthropomorphize machines. They hate that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q5rtu/a_small_collection_of_my_friends_favorite_science/
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I have the body of a beautiful 25 year old

Let me show you. It's in my refrigerator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q5ml2/i_have_the_body_of_a_beautiful_25_year_old/
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Three men go on a hiking trip

It started to get dark, and they happened to pass by an abandoned shack, so they decided to stay in for the night. They found a small bed and cuddled into it, sleeping side by side.
The sun rises next morning, and the three men wake up. "Last night I had a dream that someone jacked me off" the man that slept on the right side said.
"Interesting, I had that same dream too" said the man that slept on the left.
The man that slept in the center shrugged his shoulders.
"Well, I dreamed I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q5jsi/three_men_go_on_a_hiking_trip/
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My dad explained the working world to me this way :

Imagine everyone are birds on hanging wires. The birds on different levels of overhead hanging electrical wires are a representation of positions of power in a company.
Birds on the highest level are your CEOs. Likewise, as the levels decrease, so do the positions. The lower levels contain the managers, and below them the executives, juniors, etc. And of course, birds being birds, they all shit on each other.
Conclusion : When the top birds look downwards, all they see is shit. When bottom level guys look up, all they see are assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q5jhe/my_dad_explained_the_working_world_to_me_this_way/
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What does my butthole have in common with Mitch McConnell?

They both got fucked last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q5j9s/what_does_my_butthole_have_in_common_with_mitch/
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My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding my gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.
"Quiet woman! I'm hunting Autobots!!" I whispered back harshly.
She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as Autobots!"
I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.
"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.
She laughed.
I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shoot my wife.
DEATH TO HUMANS! FOR MEGATRON!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q5i94/my_wife_found_me_in_the_kitchen_naked_holding_my/
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An Old Guy Befriends a Woman in a Nursing Home

This old guy sits down next to a woman in a nursing home and tells her his wife died and asks if he could sit with her and hold her hand like his wife used to. She said it would be ok. After a little while he asks her if she could put her hand in his pants pocket like his wife used to do.  She doesn't want to at first but then she sees how lonely he looks so she slides her hand into his pocket.  They sit like that for awhile and then they get up and leave for lunch.
This goes on every day for a week, the man sits next to the woman and she puts her hand in his front pocket.  The next week she sees him sitting next to another woman and she has her hand in his pocket. She is overcome with jealousy and demands "What does she have that I don't have?"
The man replies "Parkinsons"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q5i7k/an_old_guy_befriends_a_woman_in_a_nursing_home/
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Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide and seek.

Einstein starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs to a nearby bush and hides.
Newton stands right behind Einstein, takes out a chalk, and draws a perfect one meter by one meter square on the ground around himself.
As Einstein reaches 10, he says,
"Ready or not, I'm coming to you! Or, in my frame of reference, *you're* coming to *me*!"
He turns around and sees Newton, so he yells,
"Haha! I've found Newton!"
Newton replies,
"Nah, you found a Newton over a square meter, that's Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q5gc6/einstein_newton_and_pascal_play_hide_and_seek/
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If i had a dollar for each corrupt politician

I would be accused of unjust enrichment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q5g6z/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_each_corrupt_politician/
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A Researcher Goes To A Farm...

So a researcher goes to a farm, and asks the farmer a couple questions.
Researcher: How much milk do your cows produce?
Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?
Researcher: The black one.
Farmer: A couple liters a day.
Researcher: and the brown?
Farmer: A couple liters per day.
The researcher is a little confused, and asks the next question.
Researcher: What do you feed them?
Farmer: Black or brown?
Researcher: Black.
Farmer: Grass.
Reasearcher: and the brown?
Farmer: Grass.
So the researcher is annoyed by now, and asks the third question.
Researcher: Why do you keep answering separately for each cow?
Farmer: Well the black cow is mine.
Researcher: Oh, and the other?
Farmer: Also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q5e9d/a_researcher_goes_to_a_farm/
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The head of ISIS finally agreed to be interviewed...

So the interviewer said, "I noticed that every time ISIS releases a video there are always  Toyota trucks in the background. Whether it is ISIS members riding in the back of the truck or a torture video, you always see a Toyota truck. Why it is that you guys drive Toyota trucks?"
The head of ISIS said, "Well, we were considering BMWs but we didn't want to seem like complete assholes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q59oh/the_head_of_isis_finally_agreed_to_be_interviewed/
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What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination?

HAND EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q59kw/what_is_whitney_houstons_favorite_kind_of/
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I won't judge someone for watching midget porn

We all have our shortcomings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q57rq/i_wont_judge_someone_for_watching_midget_porn/
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What do you call someone who buys weapons from North Korea?

An Archeologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q54im/what_do_you_call_someone_who_buys_weapons_from/
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I like my cash like I like my ex-wife.

Cold and hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q52iv/i_like_my_cash_like_i_like_my_exwife/
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My friend made a flute out of a carrot...

It was impressive, and if you gave her some sheet music, she would show you just how well it played.
My other friend, who's a bit competitive, made an oboe out of corn. He said he could play anything by ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q526w/my_friend_made_a_flute_out_of_a_carrot/
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Wife of a r/jokes user gave birth to beautiful twins.

He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.
Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word "Repost"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q4zeg/wife_of_a_rjokes_user_gave_birth_to_beautiful/
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One day a woman had 100 children.

She sadly did not have creativity to name all of them unique names so she named each one a number from 1-100. One of them was named "One", and the next was named "Two" and so on all the way to one hundred. But in a tragic accident, 99 of them died. The only one who survived was Ninety.
Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole life and she even had children of her own. One day, while Ninety's children were playing outside, they stumbled upon a stray dog and decided to keep it. Ninety did not want the children to have a dog so they hid it and named it "This" so that they could talk about it behind their mom's back. They would say "let's take This outside". One day, while Ninety's kids were not paying attention, This got hit by a truck. This eventually died and Ninety's kids never told their mother even then. No one else heard about This again.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q4yu8/one_day_a_woman_had_100_children/
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On the night of his inauguration, Donald Trump is visited by 3 ghosts

Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "how can I make America great again?"
FDR replies "think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets"
Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls back to sleep.
A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington's ghost. Trump asks "how can I make America great again?"
Washington replies "I would suggest you never tell a lie", which infuriates Trump. He screams for his bodyguards but Washington is already gone.
Around 3 in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks "how can I make America great again?". Lincoln thinks for a bit and says "go to the theater".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q4s6d/on_the_night_of_his_inauguration_donald_trump_is/
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During sex, I accidentally called my wife by my ex-wife name.

I said, "You like that, bitch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q4r37/during_sex_i_accidentally_called_my_wife_by_my/
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I don't know why men go to bars to meet women...

They should be going to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q4pan/i_dont_know_why_men_go_to_bars_to_meet_women/
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A wife asks her husband what he wants for dinner...

Husband: "What are the options?"
Wife: "Yes or fucking no".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q4bqb/a_wife_asks_her_husband_what_he_wants_for_dinner/
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Why can't you get out of an R. Kelly cult?

Once urine, urine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q4blr/why_cant_you_get_out_of_an_r_kelly_cult/
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Having a girl as a friend is like having a chicken as a pet..

Sooner or later you're gonna want to eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q4b98/having_a_girl_as_a_friend_is_like_having_a/
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Why can't pirates finish the alphabet?

Because they get lost at C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q4b1l/why_cant_pirates_finish_the_alphabet/
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I call my weed The Quran.

Because burning that shit will get you stoned!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q4a83/i_call_my_weed_the_quran/
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I got into an accident, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...

my car to reverse leaving the scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q481n/i_got_into_an_accident_but_i_managed_to_save_a/
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What's green and smells like bacon

Kermit the frogs fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q407s/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
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What chord do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3yo9/what_chord_do_you_get_when_you_throw_a_piano_down/
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Can't rely on emails!

A man goes away on business. He emails his wife from the road and says he’ll be home that night because the trip wrapped up earlier than expected. When he gets home, he walks into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man. Without a word, the husband leaves the room and goes down to the local bar. He explains the whole situation to the bartender.
“Well, why don’t you call her and talk to her. Maybe there is an explanation for all of this.”
The man picks up his cell phone and calls his house. His wife answers and before she can say a word he yells, “Why did I come home to find you in bed with another man?” The wife calmly responds, “Because I just got around to checking my email.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3w96/cant_rely_on_emails/
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Lesson 4 of 6: The Crow and the Rabbit

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “sure, why not!” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
**Moral of the story**: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3upa/lesson_4_of_6_the_crow_and_the_rabbit/
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I bought a new boomerang yesterday

I can't throw away my old one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3r0f/i_bought_a_new_boomerang_yesterday/
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I go in hard, I come out soft, you blow me hard, what am I?

bubblegum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3qv8/i_go_in_hard_i_come_out_soft_you_blow_me_hard/
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I've decided to open a gay strip club. I'll call it...

One Man's Junk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3qhs/ive_decided_to_open_a_gay_strip_club_ill_call_it/
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I was walking by a house the other day that was being worked on and the guy hammering on the roof called me a paranoid little weirdo.

In Morse Code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3qby/i_was_walking_by_a_house_the_other_day_that_was/
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For all the ladies that put your man in the doghouse...

You will soon find him in cathouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3ne9/for_all_the_ladies_that_put_your_man_in_the/
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Why do the swedish navy have barcodes on their ships?

So they can scandinavin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3l04/why_do_the_swedish_navy_have_barcodes_on_their/
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Drunk Test

A car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. “What are those for?” she asked suspiciously.
“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”
“Well, show me,” the officer demanded.
The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.
Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the test they’re giving now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3jt8/drunk_test/
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I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way out…

Now all I need to do is talk her into it…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3it4/im_in_the_middle_of_a_long_and_messy_divorce_and/
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Why did my penis cross the road?

It got stuck in the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3i26/why_did_my_penis_cross_the_road/
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How did the blonde kill an earthworm?

She buried it alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3h55/how_did_the_blonde_kill_an_earthworm/
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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we have tomatoes, we have potatoes, but we're totally out of onions"
the woman then says "oh well, then I will have two tomatoes, two potatoes and two onions please"
the man says "miss I am sorry but like I said we do not have any onions left"
the lady then says "oh I must have miss heard you, then I would have one tomato, one potato and one onion, please."
the man gets a little but frustrated with the lady and says "alright, let's play a game, if you take the 'omato' out of tomato, what do you get?"
the woman confused says "you would get 't' "
the man says "correct, and if you would take the 'otato' out of potato, what would you get ?"
the woman says "you would get 'p'"
the man then says to her "correct again! now, if you take the 'FUCK' out of onion what would you get then ?"
the woman very much confused says "but.... there is no 'fuck' in onion. "
and the man screams "CORRECT! THERE IS NO FUCKING ONION!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3gnz/tomato_potato_lettuces_get_your_vegetables_here/
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A Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani are on a train.

The Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says, "There's plenty more of that where I come from."
Everyone is impressed. The Cuban takes out one of the finest Havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says, "There's plenty more of those where I come from."
Again everyone is rather impressed. So the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3ej1/a_russian_a_cuban_an_englishman_and_a_pakistani/
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What is the last thing to go through a bugs mind after it hits a windshield...........

......it's own ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3d6g/what_is_the_last_thing_to_go_through_a_bugs_mind/
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A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3cwr/a_doctor_rushes_out_of_the_hospital_to_sign_a/
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A little boy was looking through the keyhole of his sister's room

Mom says with a smile, "why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?"
Boy replies, "I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3crj/a_little_boy_was_looking_through_the_keyhole_of/
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A wife comes home late one night...

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From the covers on the bed, she spots the outline of four legs instead of her husband's two. She reaches into their closet for a baseball bat and starts hitting the two under the covers as hard as she can.
Once she's done,she heads down to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters the kitchen, she sees her husband there at the counter reading a magazine. He says to her, *"Hi honey, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q3bcx/a_wife_comes_home_late_one_night/
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Driving home earlier

I saw a young couple weaving all over the street.  I told them 'Go get a loom'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q38x5/driving_home_earlier/
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You can't plant flowers...

If you haven't botany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q37tz/you_cant_plant_flowers/
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Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said,
"You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q37qb/last_week_was_my_birthday_and_i_didnt_feel_very/
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A Kalashnikov walks into a BAR

Then they had a gun fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q35gp/a_kalashnikov_walks_into_a_bar/
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A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal…

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q33d5/a_90yearold_man_goes_for_a_physical_and_all_of/
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A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They’re mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That’s a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked. The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question.
He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q33c7/a_father_watched_his_young_daughter_as_she_played/
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What is the biggest no-no during sex?

Your wife walking in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q31l8/what_is_the_biggest_nono_during_sex/
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Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q30xy/doctor_im_sorry_but_you_suffer_from_a_terminal/
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The Pharmacist

A young man had been dating a girl for some time, and they finally decide that its time for them to have sex. They decide that he's going to meet her parents, have dinner with the family, and then they will leave and find a nice quiet place to do the deed.
The young man goes to the pharmacy to buy condoms, but because he's a virgin, he has no idea what to buy. Fortunately, the pharmacist is a friendly older man, who helps him pick out a pack of condoms, and wishes the young man good luck.
That evening, everyone sits down at the dinner table, and begin to say grace. The young man bows, and is saying grace for 5 minutes, then 10, then 15, all without ever raising his head. After 15 minutes, his girlfriend leans over and says
"You never told me you were this religious."
"And you," the young man replies, "never told me your father was a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q2xch/the_pharmacist/
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A kid asks his dad, "What's the difference between theoretically and realistically?"

His dad tells him to go ask his mom if she'd have sex with Brad Pitt for one million dollars.
"Hey Mom! Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for $1,000,000?" he asks.
"Of course I would!" she replies.
So the kid reports back to his dad and he's then tasked with asking his sister the same thing.
"Hey sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"
"Hell yeah!" she says without hesitation.
Disappointed, he returns to his father.
"So..." his father asks "...do you understand the difference now?"
"Yes." the boy says. "Theoretically we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two whores!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q2rh5/a_kid_asks_his_dad_whats_the_difference_between/
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I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn on too high.

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q2our/i_told_my_girlfriend_her_eyebrows_were_drawn_on/
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Mayor goes to a school

After explaining a little bit of the governmental platform, he asks the kids if they had any questions.
Bob raises his hand and says
I have 3 questions for you...
1)  How did you manage to win the elections, even though you had less votes?
2)  Why do you want to attack the neighbouring state without clear reasons?
3)  Don't you think that the corruption by your party was the biggest of its kind in the world's history?
At this very moment the bell rings and all the kids run out of the classroom.
After the break, Mayor tells the kids to feel free to ask him more questions and this time Joey raises his hand and says: I have 5 questions for you...
1)  How did you manage to win the elections, even though you had less votes?
2)  Why do you want to attack the neighbouring state without clear reasons?
3)  Don't you think that the corruption by your party was the biggest of its kind in the world's history?
4)  Why did the bell sound 20 minutes earlier today?
5)  Where's Bob?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q2mw0/mayor_goes_to_a_school/
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How did the nazis measure the efficiency of their gas chambers?

In KillaJews per second

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q2mox/how_did_the_nazis_measure_the_efficiency_of_their/
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Lesson 3 of 6: The Priest

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
**Moral of the story**: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss great opportunities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q2m1i/lesson_3_of_6_the_priest/
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TIL Necrophiles mean a whole different thing by

Popping open a cold one with the boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q2ll7/til_necrophiles_mean_a_whole_different_thing_by/
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I've been playing my lute for 7 hours and my fingers are sore and stiff

I have minstrel cramps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q2fpa/ive_been_playing_my_lute_for_7_hours_and_my/
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Charles Dickens was at his publisher's office.

CD: "I'm going to be honest with you, Howard. It's almost complete and I have most of the elements of the story figured out. Great characters, a terrific setting, some good conflict and a theme. But something's missing, and I can't figure out what it is"
Howard: "The plot, Dickens?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q2cu9/charles_dickens_was_at_his_publishers_office/
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I caught my roommate trying to hide his glasses in the fridge today..

He said he was trying to look cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q2cmo/i_caught_my_roommate_trying_to_hide_his_glasses/
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Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q27mu/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
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Three farmers go out to the State Fair.

On their way driving to the fair they pass a farm with a little monkey picking up acorns and putting them in a basket. They look at it, but still stay in their way to the fair. As they are walking through they see a sign for a contest of the heaviest pig. To their surprise the 1st Place prize money is $10,000! So they decide to buy a pig and enter in it.
They first month the farmers feed the pig, but all he does is eat and shit, eat and shit, and eat and shit. 11 months go by and the pig still only ways 20 pounds. But exactly a month before the contest, one of the farmers has an idea. "If all this pig does is eat and shit, then let's put a cork in his butt so all he can do is eat!" The other two think this is a great idea so they they put a cork in the pigs butt. The next month the pig gains almost 1000 pounds! The day of the fair it takes the farmers, their wives, and their children to load the pig into the back of the truck.
They head off to the fair, certain of victory. But in the way one says, "What if the judges see the cork? Then what?" The other farms think for a second. "Well we should pull it out." The farmers agree.
"Joe, you do it."
"I'm not gonna do it! Jim, you do it"
"I'm not gonna do it! John, you do it!"
"Hell no!"
They think for a second when they have an idea. "Remember the monkey picking up acorns? We'll get him to do it!" They agree. They find the farm with the monkey and point to the cork and make a pulling motion. Then they each run away. The first stands 100 yards away, the next 200, and the last at 300. The monkey pulls the cork, the pig explodes, and the next thing the farmers know they are in a hospital.
Doctors ask the third what he saw.
"Shit, shit, and more shit."
Then they ask the second what he saw.
"Shit, shit, and more shit."
They get to the third and he is crying from laughing so hard.
"What did you see?"
"I saw the poor little monkey try to stick the cork back in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q22lc/three_farmers_go_out_to_the_state_fair/
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An Old Atheist Joke

A little boy walks down the street to his church every Sunday. Every now and then he gets curious about the alley running between the houses straight to the church, but his friends tell him to walk around the block like normal because a mean atheist hangs out in the alley.
One day he's by himself, and decides to brave the alley. As he gets to the last house before his church, he hears a voice from an open garage.
"Hey you, kid. Where are you heading?" the man asks.
"I'm going to church, for Sunday school." the boy responds plainly.
"Why would you do that? Why not just play outside?" the man responds. "It's a weekend, great time to have fun. That's the best part of being an atheist. No pointless traditions."
"It's not a pointless tradition. I go because I'm a Christian, and we Christians go to Sunday School." the boy responds matter-of-factly.
"Do you even have a good reason for being a Christian?" the atheist continues to ask.
"I have two good reasons, in fact. My dad is a Christian, and my mom is a Christian!" he says.
"Those aren't very good reasons, kid. What if your dad was an idiot, and your mom was an idiot?" the atheist asks arrogantly.
The boy smiles and replies, "Then I guess I'd have two good reasons to be an atheist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q21t4/an_old_atheist_joke/
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A man that was recently fired from his job and divorced decided to move to the mountains.....

He decided to live a secluded and solitary life in the most remote regions of the Appalachian Mountainous he could find. His first year was tougher than he expected especially during the winter months, but he faired well all things considered.
On a warm day during the following spring, he was outside his cabin making repairs, when he noticed something coming down the the side of the mountain to his north.  The man grabbed his binoculars and scanned across the side of the nearby mountain.
It was another person! He observed that the individual was headed in his direction and was almost to the valley below him. Having spent the past year in seclusion he was excited to have some human interaction.
After a good while, the approaching stranger had made it through the valley and was approaching the man's cabin. Peering through his binoculars once more, the man saw that it was another man, about the same age as him wearing shabby clothing.
More time passed and finally the stranger arrived at the man's cabin. The stranger tipped his hat to the man and stated with a booming voice, "Welcome to the neighborhood! I came here to invite you to a party at my cabin over yonder on the other mountain."
The man was stunned. He had no idea that there was another human within several miles of him, let alone enough people to throw a party. The man asked the stranger "What kind of party can you have in the middle of no where?"
The stranger grinned at the man. "Oh you're gonna love this kinda party! There's gonna be some eatin' and drinkin' and fightin' and fuckin'!!" The man's mind ran wild with anticipation and he excitedly took the stranger up on
The man grabbed his coat and started following the stranger down into the valley below. All of the sudden it struck him, not wanting to be rude, the man asked, "Hey, should I bring anything to the party?" To which the stranger replied with a smile, "Naw! It's just going to be the two of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q1t5p/a_man_that_was_recently_fired_from_his_job_and/
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Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q1ssl/give_a_man_a_gun_and_hell_rob_a_bank/
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I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q1phk/i_asked_my_mom_if_by_any_chance_i_was_adopted/
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I don't want to be a baker

But I knead the dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q1odg/i_dont_want_to_be_a_baker/
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A Bear and Rabbit Find a Genie Lamp in the Forest

A Bear and Rabbit find a genie lamp in the forest. They both rub the lamp and out comes the genie.
Genie says "you each have three wishes, Bear, what first wish?" Bear says "I want every bear in this forest be a female bear."  Genie snaps his finger, and all of the other male bears disappear.
Genie turns to the rabbit and asks "Rabbit, what is your first wish?" Rabbit says "I want a bitch'n motorcycle". Genie snaps his fingers and the rabbit gets a motorcycle.
Genie turns to the bear and asks "Your second wish?" Bear says "I want every bear on this continent to be a female bear." Genie snaps his fingers, and all of the males disappear from the continent.
Genie turns for the rabbit and asks "Rabbit, what is your second wish?" Rabbit says "I want a badass helmet for my bitch'n motorcycle" Genie, confused, snaps his fingers, and a the rabbit gets a helmet.
Genie turns to the bear and asks "Bear, what is your final wish?"
Bear replies "I want every bear in the world to be a female bear."
Genie snaps his fingers, and all of the other male bears vanish from earth.
Genie turns to the rabbit and asks "Rabbit, what is your last wish?" Rabbit replies "I wish the bear was gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q1nwx/a_bear_and_rabbit_find_a_genie_lamp_in_the_forest/
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Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

Chapped lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q1dca/why_dont_women_wear_skirts_in_the_winter/
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You know, it's funny how MLK only has a day while sharks get a whole week.

It's probably because they're great whites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q1cuy/you_know_its_funny_how_mlk_only_has_a_day_while/
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Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?

Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q1c8c/kanye_west_donald_trump_justin_bieber_and_martin/
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A lawyer is parking his BMW...

A lawyer is parking his BMW outside a store in Manhattan, and as he opens his door to get out a taxi sides wipes his car taking the whole door off.
The lawyer hops out and starts screaming at the cab driver, "You idiot, you hit my brand new BMW, you ripped the whole door off! Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost? I'm a lawyer! I'll sue you so bad your grandchildren will feel it!"
The cab driver sighs and says, "You lawyers are all the same, only care about material things. Your door got ripped off, yet you didn't realize you also lost your arm."
The lawyer looks down to see his left arm missing, looks back and the cabbie and yells, "My Rolex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q17e8/a_lawyer_is_parking_his_bmw/
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Children must be really dangerous...

Most of the flammable stuff I own tells me to KEEP AWAY from them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q1488/children_must_be_really_dangerous/
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They say 1,500 souls died when the Titanic sunk...

But there were about a hundred gingers so it's more like 1,400 souls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q13lv/they_say_1500_souls_died_when_the_titanic_sunk/
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The Chief of Police died responding to people changing fonts on town signs

There we were, left sans-sheriff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q0zbx/the_chief_of_police_died_responding_to_people/
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I just ate a frozen apple.

It was hard core.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q0yty/i_just_ate_a_frozen_apple/
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What did Putin say after catching flak for invading the Ukraine?

Crimea river

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q0vj5/what_did_putin_say_after_catching_flak_for/
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I got in a shoot out with police for making cheap sexual innuendos.

They tried to arrest me, but I didn't cum quietly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q0rv3/i_got_in_a_shoot_out_with_police_for_making_cheap/
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I used to work at the zoo circumcising elephants

the job was awful, but the tips were huge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q0owo/i_used_to_work_at_the_zoo_circumcising_elephants/
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My Asian friend hooked up a computer keyboard to a bunch of speakers

I guess that's stereotyping isn't it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q0m71/my_asian_friend_hooked_up_a_computer_keyboard_to/
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(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q0kmk/nsfw_a_priest_has_a_heart_attack_and_is_rushed_to/
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What would the French say if they had Twitter during WWII?

Retweet! Retweet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q0f8d/what_would_the_french_say_if_they_had_twitter/
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Two gay guys live in a house...

This is a joke to tell your friends!!
Two gay guys live in a house. One night they're bored so the one gay guy says to the other
"Do you wanna play the game where you find something in the house, stick it up my ass, and I guess what it is?"
"Hell yeah!"
So the one gay guy bends over the couch blind folded while the other guy goes to the kitchen and grabs the wooden spoon. He runs back and sticks it in there. Without flinching he says
"Oh! That's the wooden spoon!"
The other guy runs to the closet and grabs the broomstick. He runs back and shoves it in there. It takes a second, but he quickly responds.
"That's the broomstick!"
Before the other guy runs off he says, "One more time and then it's my turn!"
He runs upstairs to the bathroom and grabs the...
(This is where you have a confused look on your face, as if you can't put your tongue on this name. and start doing the motion of using a plunger. Everytime, someone will scream out plunger!! You hurry up and point to the asshat that says it and say
"Oh! You've play this game?!"
Been using it for over 13 years and works 70% of the time, all the time!
I hope you like it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q0f86/two_gay_guys_live_in_a_house/
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I cried when my dad chopped onions.

Onions was a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q0dww/i_cried_when_my_dad_chopped_onions/
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Three men run out of gas at a farm in the middle of nowhere.

Nothing is in sight and the nearest gas station was far beyond walking distance.
The three men decide to knock on the door and ask the farmer for gas. The farmer agrees to give them gas but only in exchange for a favor. His daughter was desperate to be laid.
The men looked at each other with an interested expression on the face. The farmer then tells them that there is only one issue that has kept her away from sexual release for many years, she has aids.
The young men immediately take a step back and begin to reflect on the issue at hand.
Finally, one of the three steps up and says "I will do it." The man, desperate to get to his destination and become a hero to his friends is ushered up stairs to where the farmer's daughter awaits him naked, blindfolded and strapped to the bed.
She tells him to begin and braces herself. The man then notices a basket of corn beside the bed and gets an idea. He inserts the corn several times into the girl and to his surprise, she can't tell the difference.
He tosses the used corn out of the window after she finishes and shakes the farmer's hand. On his way out to receive his promised refuel, his friends are pointing and laughing at him.
The friends yelled out, "While you were up there getting aids, we were down here eating corn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q0cv5/three_men_run_out_of_gas_at_a_farm_in_the_middle/
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How does one think the unthinkable?

With an Ithberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q0any/how_does_one_think_the_unthinkable/
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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,

a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied: "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said:
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q05px/in_a_trial_a_southern_smalltown_prosecuting/
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What do you call a nose which has been torn off of somebody's face?

No body nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q05je/what_do_you_call_a_nose_which_has_been_torn_off/
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My therapist asked me how many times a day I act immature.

I responded, "sixty-nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q03zg/my_therapist_asked_me_how_many_times_a_day_i_act/
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What did one ass cheek say to the other?

If we pull together we can stop this shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q03tz/what_did_one_ass_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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Some guy called me a tool.

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend, guess he was right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6q01p2/some_guy_called_me_a_tool/
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On a recent trip to New York the Pope saw the most beautiful red car...

As the Pope basked in the beauty of the red car, the owner appeared and insisted that he should take it for a test drive.
"No, no!" exclaimed the Pope, "I couldn't possibly!"
The driver wouldn't take no for an answer and jumped in the back of the beautiful red car. And so off they went, leaving the pope-mobile and the bewildered security team behind.
"This is wonderful, the greatest car I've ever driven!" The Pope cried, as they wound through the city, going faster and faster. Eventually excitement got the better of him and he put his foot to the floor, racing over the Brooklyn Bridge, smashing the speed limit. All of a sudden, flashing blue lights popped up in his mirror and a police officer signalled to pull over.
The officer sauntered up the car and began to speak but stopped, gobsmacked when he realised who was driving the car.
"Jesus!" he cried, "Wait right here!" He stumbled back to his squad car and grabbed at the radio, calling back to the precinct.
"Sir!" he said to his boss, "I've just pulled over a VIP for speeding, I don't know what to do!"
"Well who is it? The mayor?"
"No sir, way more important than the mayor!"
"Who then? Brad Pitt?"
"More important sir!"
"Well is it the president?"
"No sir, more important than the president!"
"Well who on God's green earth is more important than the president of the United States?"
"I don't know sir, but this guy's chauffeur is The Pope!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pzzjk/on_a_recent_trip_to_new_york_the_pope_saw_the/
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A man robs a bank to get away from his wife...

As he sat on the steps of the bank waiting for the police to come he was relieved with thoughts of never having to see his wife again.
Later In the court room waiting for his ruling, he was excited to finally be somewhere far far away from her.
Seeing this the judge thought of the worst possible sentence that he can give him.
He was given 2 years house arrest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pzys6/a_man_robs_a_bank_to_get_away_from_his_wife/
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So, a woman heads to the doctors office for her usual checkup.

While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it,
"Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sex."
The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of a Y and inquires about it,
"Oh, my boyfriend is really into wearing his Yale sweater during sex."
The next day, another woman comes in, again, for a simple checkup. This woman too has a rash on her chest, and the doctor, catching on with the trend, asks,
"So, Does your boyfriend go to Wisconsin?"
The girl replies, "Nah, but my girlfriend goes to Michigan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pzv4t/so_a_woman_heads_to_the_doctors_office_for_her/
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Why did Hitler lose his drivers licence?

He was too hard on the gas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pzqdg/why_did_hitler_lose_his_drivers_licence/
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Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?

She's not big enough for d shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pznb0/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_sea_shells/
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A man takes a 4 day business trip

and has his brother to watch his cat. Each day he calls home and asks how his cat is. Each day his brother says everything is fine. When the man returns from his trip, his brother is waiting by the door. "How's my cat?" the man asks. His brother replies, "I'm sorry, but you cat died right after you left."
The man is devastated, "How come you told me everything was fine each day?" His brother replies, "I didn't want you to feel bad so i lied." The man shakes his head, "Well you could have broken it to me gradually." "How?", his brother asks. "The first time i called you could have said, he's up on the roof and we can't get him down. The second time I called you could have said you got him down but he is sick now. The third time I called you could have said, he was still sick so you took him to the vet and they are keeping him there. And when I came home today you could have said that the vet did all he could but your cat passed away this morning." The man's brother says, "I'm sorry, you're right that is a better way of breaking the news, will you forgive me?" The man replies, "Of course i will, and thank you for apologizing. Anyways, how's Dad?" "He's fine." his brother says. "How's Mom?" the man asks. "She's up on the roof and we can't get her down."
(Heard this on "Gimme a break" over twenty years ago.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pzl53/a_man_takes_a_4_day_business_trip/
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There was a treasure ship on its way back to port.

About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight.
So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.
The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?"
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pzjhn/there_was_a_treasure_ship_on_its_way_back_to_port/
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I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered

The chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pzb4w/i_went_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_as_a_chicken/
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Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will let it go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pz9m2/why_cant_you_give_elsa_a_balloon/
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Mission Codename: Fetus

Status: Aborted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pz7v4/mission_codename_fetus/
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Soldier at a bar

A soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed. "What happened?", his buddy asked. "Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump."
"What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned. "Well the jump sergeant - a massive, massive man - started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to pull down my pants and shove my 9 inch cock up your ass!"
His buddy asked "So did you jump?"
He replied "Well, a little at first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pz6pw/soldier_at_a_bar/
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My friend posted an advertisement containing a picture of his sperm

Because sex cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pyy92/my_friend_posted_an_advertisement_containing_a/
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An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman..

..are in the trenches surrounded by the enemy with no way of escaping The Englishman sees three sacks and says right boys follow my lead.
They each get in a sack and as the enemy approaches they poke the bag with their bayonetted.
"Meow meow" says the Englishman.
"Ah it's just some kittens, leave them be were not that cruel. "
They poke the Scotsman.
"Woof woof"
"Ah just puppies leave them be"
Then they poke the Irishman
"Potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pyxik/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman/
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Son, stop looking at porn it makes you go blind.

Dad, I'm over here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pyul5/son_stop_looking_at_porn_it_makes_you_go_blind/
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My financial situation is so bad...

...I'm being sponsored by a child in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pyu00/my_financial_situation_is_so_bad/
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I just ate a load of scrabble tiles.

Now I'm terrified my next trip to the toilet will spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pysh3/i_just_ate_a_load_of_scrabble_tiles/
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Trump used to love the LGBTQ community...

Until he found out it doesn't stand for "Loans Given By The Qataris"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pys4h/trump_used_to_love_the_lgbtq_community/
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What do you call Santa's little helpers?

Subordinate Clauses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pyqp7/what_do_you_call_santas_little_helpers/
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Road Rage

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pypwf/road_rage/
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A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pyjvx/a_college_professor_is_driving_home_drunk_one/
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Nate the Snake

source: natethesnake.com
&nbsp;
So, there's a man crawling through the desert.
&nbsp;
He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.
&nbsp;
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.
&nbsp;
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.
&nbsp;
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
&nbsp;
He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.
&nbsp;
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.
&nbsp;
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
&nbsp;
He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.
&nbsp;
He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
&nbsp;
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.
&nbsp;
Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.
&nbsp;
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.
&nbsp;
He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
&nbsp;
He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.
&nbsp;
He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.
&nbsp;
After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.
&nbsp;
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
&nbsp;
He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.
&nbsp;
He walks through the sand.
&nbsp;
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.
But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.
Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
&nbsp;
While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape - shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.
&nbsp;
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.
&nbsp;
Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can't tell from here. He's going to have to go down there and look.
&nbsp;
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.
&nbsp;
He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.
&nbsp;
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.
&nbsp;
He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.
&nbsp;
Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.
&nbsp;
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.
&nbsp;
Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.
&nbsp;
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
&nbsp;
It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?"
&nbsp;
He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.
&nbsp;
Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.
&nbsp;
And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to move from this spot.
&nbsp;
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
&nbsp;
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet - that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.
&nbsp;
He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.
&nbsp;
He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.
&nbsp;
He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.
&nbsp;
He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"
&nbsp;
He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"
&nbsp;
He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.
&nbsp;
"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"
&nbsp;
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."
&nbsp;
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
&nbsp;
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes - they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.
&nbsp;
"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!
"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?"
&nbsp;
"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."
&nbsp;
"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"
&nbsp;
"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here."
&nbsp;
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.
&nbsp;
"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it."
&nbsp;
"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
&nbsp;
"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.
&nbsp;
"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.
&nbsp;
"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.
&nbsp;
"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack Samson."
&nbsp;
"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that's how you work?"
&nbsp;
"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert. You've been changed.
&nbsp;
"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
&nbsp;
"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell you."
&nbsp;
"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd have to kill me?"
&nbsp;
"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.
&nbsp;
"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?"
(continued in comments)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pygn2/nate_the_snake/
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WHAT DO YOU CALL A SNAIL ON A SHIP?

A snailor "tehee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pyea3/what_do_you_call_a_snail_on_a_ship/
%
I guy goes into a bar ... (old joke)

he sits down at the bar and orders a beer the only person in the bar was a old man at the end of the bar.
the bartender brings the guy the beer then asks the old man "hey jackass, you want another beer?" the old man just nods.
the first guy orders another beer and when he does the bartender asks the old man "hey jackass you want another beer?" the old man just nods.
the bartender went to get the beers and the guy goes up to the old man and asks " why do you let him talk to you like that?"
the stuttering old mans says "he aw, he aw, he always calls me that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pyaej/i_guy_goes_into_a_bar_old_joke/
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Teacher : Why did you only fill in all the odd questions in the exam?

Blonde : Because i can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6py4ee/teacher_why_did_you_only_fill_in_all_the_odd/
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A bus full of nuns drives off a cliff.

When the sisters arrive at the pearly gates, they are greeted by Saint Peter, who says to them:
"Greetings sisters. It's great to see you, but before I can let you in, there's one formality. Have any of you ever touched a man...intimately?"
One of the nuns sheepishly raises her hand and says "yes sir, I touched a man's penis when I was younger."
"No problem, everyone makes mistakes" says Saint Peter. "Just dip your hand in this holy water, and you will be free to enter heaven."
The nun walks up, dips her hand in the water, and walks on through the pearly gates.
Before Saint Peter can even speak again, one of the nuns from the back of the line sprints up to the front.
"What's the hurry sister?" says Saint Peter. "You have all of eternity ahead of you."
The nun replies "With all due respect, sir, if I'm going to have to gargle with that holy water, I'd prefer to do it before sister Mary sticks her ass in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6py34g/a_bus_full_of_nuns_drives_off_a_cliff/
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Obama, Hillary and Trump

are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."
God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"
He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"
Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."
God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"
Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6py1gy/obama_hillary_and_trump/
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A young first officer asks his Captain

,
"Sir, why does not my ability evolve. I don't seem to be getting better at flying?"
And the Captain patiently answers: "Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"
"Yes, my sir, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes,  sir, I have already witnessed it."
"Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, sir, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all these stupid things instead of focusing on flying the aircraft."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pxvpl/a_young_first_officer_asks_his_captain/
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My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pxtkc/my_childhood_crush_and_i_are_finally_getting/
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A man was driving down the road when suddenly a Ferrari whizzed past him and the driver inside yelled...

... "ever driven a Ferrari mate?"
This angered the man, and accelerated to catch up to the Ferrari and give the driver a piece of his mind.
However as he was about to reach the Ferrari, it accelerated and the man just managed to catch the driver yell "ever driven a Ferrari mate?" before the Ferrari left him in the dust.
Recognising that he was not able to match the Ferrari's speed, the man calmed down and resumed driving at normal speed.
A few miles ahead however, the man noticed the Ferrari upturned in a ditch. Curious at what might have happened, man stopped his car and went to check out the crash scene.
Inside the upturned Ferrari, a weak and shaky voice came out: "Ever driven a Ferrari mate? Know where the brake is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pxszb/a_man_was_driving_down_the_road_when_suddenly_a/
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I was once chased by a group of angry feminists

Luckily there was a flight of stairs so I was able to get out of their grasp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pxqao/i_was_once_chased_by_a_group_of_angry_feminists/
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Two neighbors were arguing...

N1: How do you know I threw this can in your yard?
N2: Because it's the same one I threw in your yard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pxm9f/two_neighbors_were_arguing/
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I asked Siri "What do women want?"

My phone has not shut up for the past three days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pxm1n/i_asked_siri_what_do_women_want/
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Lawnmower for sale

A little boy hears the doorbell and answers the door. The gentleman at the door says, "Hi, I'm here about the lawnmower that's for sale."
The little boy replies, "My parents aren't home right now, but it's in the garage if you want to look at it."
The man starts pulling the rope to make sure it will crank. After several tries, he says, "Son, this lawnmower won't start."
The boy says, "That's because you haven't cussed at it yet."
Startled, the man replies, "I'm a man of the cloth. I haven't said any swear words in years."
The boy says, "Keep pulling that rope - it'll come back to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pxkuf/lawnmower_for_sale/
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Lesson 2 of 6: The Boss

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
**Moral of the story**: Always let your boss have the first say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pxkqj/lesson_2_of_6_the_boss/
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A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs

She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pxgjl/a_girl_realizes_that_she_has_grown_hair_between/
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Reddit jokes are like a CB Radio ...

*Copy that*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pxgaf/reddit_jokes_are_like_a_cb_radio/
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A family walks into a hotel

And the father goes to the front desk and he says "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pxac7/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
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What do you call a Velcro sanitary towel?

A bloody rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6px4lo/what_do_you_call_a_velcro_sanitary_towel/
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Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque.

As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Trudeau: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, the leader of the Liberal Party of Canada!!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Trudeau: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Trudeau:" Mon dieu. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"
Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trudeau?"
.. I couldn't find anywhere on here  where this was posted before. Sorry if it is a repost. Please note this was borrowed from a other social media site.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6px3ks/justin_trudeau_walks_into_a_royal_bank_to_cash_a/
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A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it?
Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6px3k9/a_joke_is_like_a_frog/
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I want a girl who likes long romantic walks

Because I don't have a car or money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6px3aa/i_want_a_girl_who_likes_long_romantic_walks/
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I wanted spiritual guidance but all she did was stare at my feet.

She was trying to read my sole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6px2kl/i_wanted_spiritual_guidance_but_all_she_did_was/
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There's a new form of birth control that you put in your shoe...

It makes you limp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6px2dz/theres_a_new_form_of_birth_control_that_you_put/
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Why do uber drivers skip the gym?

Because they don't even lyft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pwwxn/why_do_uber_drivers_skip_the_gym/
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What's the difference between people and bullets?

People miss Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pwwwu/whats_the_difference_between_people_and_bullets/
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pwuzm/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
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true story

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pwu1u/true_story/
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Fog father leaves his fog family

He is heavily mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pwriy/fog_father_leaves_his_fog_family/
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A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"...

Man: Yeah.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00, including the tip.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: What color is your Ferrari?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pwmpo/a_woman_asks_a_man_do_you_drink_beer/
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What body part grows ten times its size when stimulated?

My retina. Jk my dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pwjy3/what_body_part_grows_ten_times_its_size_when/
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Women are like the wind

Sometimes you just get blown and it feels great. Other times things get rough and you lose your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pwjdr/women_are_like_the_wind/
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Having sex is like playing bridge

If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a great hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pwipp/having_sex_is_like_playing_bridge/
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Wife:Do you need anything at the grocery store?

Me: pick up 30 bottles of minute maid
Wife: why so many?
Me: didn't you hear the news? O.J. is free!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pwg29/wifedo_you_need_anything_at_the_grocery_store/
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The Chicken and the Egg are lying in bed...

The Chicken takes a drag of a cigarette and says... "Well, I guess that answers that question..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pwdkg/the_chicken_and_the_egg_are_lying_in_bed/
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My first original long joke called "Luck"

When I was young, I was always lucky. When I was five, my mom asked me to give 6 numbers for the lottery. “8, 13, 27, 29, 30, 31” I said. Without any hesitation, my mom punched those numbers on the lottery ticket and hoped for the best. Later that night, my whole family was watching the lottery on the television.
“The winning numbers are 8!” The announcer said.
“Five more numbers and I’m a millionaire!” my mom said with a big smile on her face.
“13!” The announcer continued. My dad, who believed throughout his whole life that the lottery is rigged by politicians, suddenly looked towards the television. It was as if he knew that we were going to win.
“27!” We already have half of the winning numbers. My family wasn’t really that rich, so winning the lottery would be a big help.
“29!” Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to win ₱80,000,000?”
“30!” One more number! The least amount we could get now is ₱50,000. Getting 5 out of the 6 winning numbers is already a big achievement in itself. Even if we don’t win, getting 5 winning numbers was already a testament on how lucky I was.
It was as if God heard me and answered with a big “Okay”.
“32!” Silence filled the room. My dad slowly looked away from the television and started reading his book once again. The smile in my mom’s face quickly disappeared as she stood up and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I was still very proud of my achievement. 5 out of 6 was unbelievably good. The next day, I bragged to my classmates that I had an 83.33333% guess rate. Most of my classmates were like “Whoa, that’s amazing” but one classmate of mine asked “Then what happened to the other 16.66666%?”
That guy’s name was Calvin. Up until high school, he was considered as the “Shotgun King”. He would just shotgun any major test but still end up with a 100% grade. He was one of the few people in the world that were luckier than me. At age 11, he already won the 6/55 Grand Lotto four times, and he wasn’t only lucky with the lottery, he was lucky with everything. Five months ago, he won a 2017 Audi A3 Sedan. Three months ago, he won a Mercedes-Benz AMG 43, and about a week ago, he won a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor. He won all these via raffle. There were a lot of doubts about his wins since not even the Philippine Air Force has an F-22.
I haven’t been participating in any more raffles since my mom said that I should focus on my studies. While walking to class, I saw this flyer that said about a raffle with the 1st prize of a Samsung Refrigerator. It was the perfect time to test out my luck skills, besides, my family would extremely benefit from a new refrigerator. While I was putting my raffle entries inside the drop box, someone patted my shoulder.
“Hey Kyle!” the guy said. It was Calvin.
“Hey Calvin, what’s up?” I said.
“You’re entering the raffle too?” He asked.
“Yeah man, it’s been a long time since I won something.” I answered.
“Well good luck.” He said. “I’m joining the raffle too, so the chances of you winning are slim.”
After two days, it was already raffle day. Despite what Calvin said, I was positive that I would win, so I sat in front, near where the results were going to be announced.
One by one, the results were slowly announced, starting from the 5th prize.
“The 5th prize goes to Earl Cayanan!”
“The 4th prize goes to Mary Ann Severino!”
“The 3rd prize goes to John Paul Melecio!”
“The 2nd prize goes to Harold Eugenio!”
Finally, it was the time for the 1st prize. In the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw Calvin talking to some security guards. I smell something fishy going on.
“And for the 1st prize, congratulations to Calvin Tolentino!”
Calvin quickly ran up the stage. I didn’t believe the results so I ran up to Calvin, but on the way, two security guards stopped me. I didn’t give up. I shouted: “I’m the real winner, not you! The whole raffle was rigged!” One security guard then grabbed his gun and smacked its base to my head. I passed out.
I then woke up in a hospital room with an old lady whom I’ve never met before, sitting beside me.
“So, do you want to beat Calvin?” She asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked in return.
“I can make you win the next major raffle.”
“How?” I quickly asked as I was interested.
“Well, the next raffle has a bottle made out of diamonds as its first prize. If sold, it could be as expensive as ₱850,000,000.”
“Okay so how do I win it?”
“Hold your horses, young boy, that’s not the real first prize. You shouldn’t win the bottle, but instead, go to the host right after the program has ended. He will give you the keys to the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’ or WARR for short.”
“The what?”
“Okay, this might sound crazy but there is a robot that can make you win all raffle you enter. It’s called the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’.”
“So how does it work?” I asked out of curiosity.
“No one knows, it was sent by God during the 1300’s. What I do know is that whoever has the WARR would never lose a raffle. Your friend Calvin was just really lucky, but with the WARR, you’d be more than lucky.”
“But how would I be sure that the host would give it to me?”
“Well, he is my son.”
“How is he your son?”
“I gave birth to him.”
Since this conversation seemed like it wouldn’t lead to anything useful anymore, I packed my things and left the hospital. Moments later, I saw a flyer that caught my eye.
“Win a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle worth ₱850,000,000. All you have to do is enter the raffle to have a chance.”
Maybe this was the raffle the old lady was talking about. I quickly went to the raffle booth and entered.
“The raffle draw will be in an hour, sir.” The clerk said. “You can meanwhile sit in our Waiting Area.”
Inside the Waiting Area were chairs, tables, and a television showing a replay of the 2021 NBA Finals. It’s crazy how the Lakers won it in 6 games. Joel Embiid was such a beast for Philadelphia but they still weren’t able to pull it off.
After an hour, I left the waiting room and sat in the front row near the stage where the raffle will be drawn. Slowly, people started coming and the seats started to fill up.
It was time.
The host came out of the curtains and picked one raffle ticket in the spinning jar.
“The 5th prize which is a 1942 Zero Japanese fighter plane, goes to Erika Sanchez!”
“The 4th prize, which is an authentic piece of the Shroud of Turin, goes to Francois LeBourgeoisie!” I can’t believe the host mispronounced his name.
“The 3rd prize, which is the original copy of the Indian epic, the Ramayana, goes to Juan Tiu-Tres.”
“The 2nd prize, which is a legitimate metal shard from the 1947 Roswell UFO Crash goes to Zack Dimagiba.
“And finally, the event you’ve all been waiting for, the 1st prize which is a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle goes to…Calvin Tolentino!”
“What?!” I shouted as I jumped off my seat.
Someone then suddenly patted my back. It was Calvin.
“It’s okay Kyle, you’ll get your chance.” Calvin said.
I was about to punch him in the face but I suddenly remembered that I never really intended to win the 1st prize, so before Calvin went to the stage to claim his prize, I told him: “Hey Calvin!”
“Yes Kyle?” He said with an intimidating smile to his face.
I moved closer to him, stared him in the eye, and softly said: “You may have won the bottle, but you haven’t won the WARR.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pwd1w/my_first_original_long_joke_called_luck/
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My Texan friends really seem to love German cars.

Every time I see them, they smile, wave real friendly-like and say, "Audi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pwcla/my_texan_friends_really_seem_to_love_german_cars/
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Lesson 1 of 6: Naked Wife

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
**Moral of the story**:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pw9w2/lesson_1_of_6_naked_wife/
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My friend wanted to know what it's like to be married.

I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pw8mc/my_friend_wanted_to_know_what_its_like_to_be/
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What nationality are you when you walk into the bathroom?

Russian.
What nationality are you while you're in the bathroom?
European.
What nationality are you when you walk out of the bathroom?
Finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pw67i/what_nationality_are_you_when_you_walk_into_the/
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Only difference between by boss and my wife...

My boss likes it when I come early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pw528/only_difference_between_by_boss_and_my_wife/
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A joke for the next time you and your partner are farting in bed.

A man and his wife were lying in bed reading.
The husband farts and says "Fart football, that's a touchdown!"
The wife looks back, rips a fart, and says "we're tied!"
The husband looks back, rips a little one, says "field goal! I'm up by three!"
The wife rips another big one, says "touchdown, I'm in the lead again!"
The husband looks at her, grunts, tries his hardest, and then accidentally shits the bed.
She says, "What the hell is that?"
He goes "Halftime, switch sides."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pw0z9/a_joke_for_the_next_time_you_and_your_partner_are/
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What is a necrophiliac pirate's favorite hobby?

Diggin' for booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pvvs0/what_is_a_necrophiliac_pirates_favorite_hobby/
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I have a dog with no legs

I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pvrrf/i_have_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Business is going well

A man left his home country of India to go to America in hopes of making money to support his family. He opened a furniture and lingerie business and in just 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars.
So he he wrote to his wife saying 'Honey I want you and the kids to come to America, I sold 1500 mattresses and 900 panties and business is going well!'
The wife wrote back saying 'You should come back to India, with just 1 mattress and no panties Ive made 500,000 dollars!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pvqwe/business_is_going_well/
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Iodine wanted to bond with Uranium...

But Uranium wanted to bond with Helium ; helium was noble and didn't want to bond with Uranium. When Iodine found out about this, he said.....
"I know I can treat U better than He can..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pvphq/iodine_wanted_to_bond_with_uranium/
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What do you call someone with no legs doing Karate?

Partial Arts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pvmfa/what_do_you_call_someone_with_no_legs_doing_karate/
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Woman are like sandpaper

Only useful when rubbed on my wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pvlk9/woman_are_like_sandpaper/
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A guy walks into a bar

He orders a rum and coke. The bartender fiddles around under the bar for a second and pulls out an apple. The guy is confused, he says, "no I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender says, "just try it." So he bites it and it tastes just like rum! The bartender says, "now turn it around." And wow! It tastes just like coke!
A second guy walks in and orders a gin and tonic, again the bartender fiddles around for a second and pulls out an apple. He's confused. But he bites it, wow! It tastes just like gin! Bartender says to turn it around and wow! It tastes just like tonic!
So a third guy walks in and the first two guys are like, "dude you'll never believe it! This bartender can make apples taste like anything!" So, skeptical, the guy says "ok bartender, give me an apple that tastes like pussy." The bartender says ok, fiddled around under the bar for a second and gives him the apple. He bites into it and says, "ew that tastes like shit!" The bartender says, "turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pvl4d/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do you watch NASCAR without a TV?

You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pvkca/how_do_you_watch_nascar_without_a_tv/
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A man and a woman were driving down the road

arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over, slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 8 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "What in the heck was that?!?"
Not wanting to expose his sweet daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a fly, honey."
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "I'm surprised it got off the ground with a dick that big!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pvhr8/a_man_and_a_woman_were_driving_down_the_road/
%
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pvf6p/a_doctor_goes_out_and_buys_the_best_car_on_the/
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Two antennae were on a roof

Two antenna were on a roof. They fell in love and got married. The service wasn't great , but the reception was excellent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pvean/two_antennae_were_on_a_roof/
%
Just spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house…

That will teach my wife for saying she doesn’t need me anymore…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pvavs/just_spent_the_last_hour_tightening_every_bottle/
%
I lost my watch at a party once.

About an hour later I saw some guy standing on it while harassing a woman. Infuriated, I went over and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pv6mu/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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How do they communcate in prison?

Cell phones...
--Batman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pv5hd/how_do_they_communcate_in_prison/
%
How did the farmer find his wife?

HE TRACTOR DOWN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pv1ji/how_did_the_farmer_find_his_wife/
%
I recently bought shares in BOSE

So far it seems to be a sound investment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6puy4a/i_recently_bought_shares_in_bose/
%
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6puxif/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
%
Mum, I'm at the police station.

Mum: It's been three years since you've been an officer. When are you going to stop with this joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6puwig/mum_im_at_the_police_station/
%
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you..

I'd start thinking about you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6puph3/if_i_got_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_thought_about/
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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "
"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off."
The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family.
"I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes."
The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.
Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.
The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.
The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought...." then he gets another idea.....
Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.
The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep.
The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.
The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline.
The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pujk5/a_guy_buys_a_vintage_motorcycle_he_saw_for_sale/
%
A blonde is driving down the road

She passes by an open field with another blonde right in the middle of it, sitting in a rowboat rowing away. The blonde driving pulls over her car and screams at the other blonde, "You dumbass! It's people like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name! If I knew how to swim I'd go over there and kick your ass!"
Not original, just sharing an old one I remembered the other day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6puj0k/a_blonde_is_driving_down_the_road/
%
Four lawyers walk into a bar

Two pass and two have to try again next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pued8/four_lawyers_walk_into_a_bar/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are working in a construction yard...

It gets to lunchtime, the men sit down on a half-constructed skyscraper and the Englishman opens his sandwich bag.
He says "Oh great, I've got cheese sandwiches AGAIN"
The Scotsman and Irishman also have cheese sandwiches.
The Englishman says "Tell you what chaps, if I have cheese sandwiches again tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Scotsman and Irishman agree to do the same.
The next day, they all have cheese sandwiches and so, as agreed, they all jump off the building.
Their partners meet up at the funeral.
The Englishman's wife says "If he'd just told me, I'd have made him some other sandwiches"
The Irishman's wife says "I agree, all he had to do was ask"
The Scotsman's wife, who seemed the most distraught, then piped up and says "I don't know why he jumped, he makes his own sandwiches in the morning"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pu87s/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_are/
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Bert : Hey Ernie would you like some ice-cream?

Ernie : Sherbert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pu7i6/bert_hey_ernie_would_you_like_some_icecream/
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The elephant asked the camel

: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pu7h6/the_elephant_asked_the_camel/
%
how do NASA organize a party?

they planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pu7gb/how_do_nasa_organize_a_party/
%
There was a group of US Border patrol agents...

There was a group of US Border patrol agents manning the border. After a couple months of catching people trying to enter the country, they started to notice something.
The Mexicans would always come in groups. Often it was four or five people, sometimes it would be  just two. However, there was *never* a group of three.
So one day they catch a pair of Mexicans, and one agent gets curious. "I will let you guys go back to your home country, but I have to know," he asked, "we catch you guys all the time. Sometimes five people in a group, sometimes two; but never three. Why is that?"
The two men look at each other and one of them says "what are you, estupid? Read the signs man. No TRESpassing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pu5lx/there_was_a_group_of_us_border_patrol_agents/
%
Why is there so much litter in prisons

Because nobody is brave enough to bend over and pick it up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pu4rt/why_is_there_so_much_litter_in_prisons/
%
How do princes and princesses rent castles?

Heirbnb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pu31l/how_do_princes_and_princesses_rent_castles/
%
New Hearing Aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, “Oh, I haven’t told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I’ve changed my will three times!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pu0n6/new_hearing_aid/
%
Word of the day. Urinate.

A teacher announces to the class at the start of a lesson, "The word of the day is urinate. Can anybody use it in a sentence?"
After none of the students in class attempts an answer, eager Little Johnny with his hand raised and waving, is reluctantly called on by the teacher for an answer.
As she sighs upon picking the only student willing to answer, Little Johnny announces to the class, "You're an eight, ma'am, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ptzzo/word_of_the_day_urinate/
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A guy was thrown into the jail for refusing to take a nap

He was resisting a rest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ptyv2/a_guy_was_thrown_into_the_jail_for_refusing_to/
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Why did Donald Trump decide not to build The Wall and just take a Xanax instead?

Because it's a cheaper and faster cure for hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ptue3/why_did_donald_trump_decide_not_to_build_the_wall/
%
I bought a new A/C today

Not a fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ptoet/i_bought_a_new_ac_today/
%
Hey mom, why don't we have any food in the fridge?

"Look down, can you see your feet?"
"No?"
"That's why, you fat ass."
"Mom, you're just jealous of my bigger boobs."
"You're not supposed to have bigger boobs than me, Eric."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ptlzi/hey_mom_why_dont_we_have_any_food_in_the_fridge/
%
(Long) An Irish priest is in a bar the night before mass....

with his buddy, Patrick. The priest tells Patrick, "Me bicycle got stolen today, and bein this is such a small town, I don't wanna call the police and get someone in all kinds a trouble, but I need me bike back."
Patrick tells the priest that tomorrow during mass, since the entire town would be there, that he should deliver a real fire and brimstone sermon and go on and on about the ten commandments, and when he got to the part about stealin', he should go on and on, and see who was squirming in their seats, and there he would have his bike thief.
The priest tells Patrick that he loves the idea and will go ahead with it tomorrow morning in mass. Well, tomorrow morning comes around and the father starts into his sermon, and sure enough he goes into the ten commandments, but he spends the same amount of time on every one, and doesn't seem to be paying to keen attention to the audience.
After mass, back at the pub, Patrick asks the priest why he changed his mind? The priest replied, "Well, I was gonna do it like we said, but when I got to the part about adultery, I remembered where I left me bike."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ptlgp/long_an_irish_priest_is_in_a_bar_the_night_before/
%
I met a man named inheritance

I asked him how the hell you get a name like that.
He told me his family passes it down from generation to generation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ptk9y/i_met_a_man_named_inheritance/
%
Who was the first black man to admit he was the father?

Darth Vader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ptjfy/who_was_the_first_black_man_to_admit_he_was_the/
%
What would you call a Cosby sex tape?

Evidence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ptje2/what_would_you_call_a_cosby_sex_tape/
%
On old couple in a nursing home enjoy each other's company...

They live opposite of each other and every weeknight the man calls her over to watch Wheel of Fortune.  The old lady puts her hand down his pants as they watch TV and the two enjoy the show and her simply holding his dick.  This was nice.  One evening, the man doesn't call over to the woman... "He must've dozed off."  She opens the door uninvited and finds the man with another woman.  Shocked she scorns, "I thought we had something special!  I would hold your dick and we'd enjoy our favorite show..."
"Look, It's nothing personal... this chicks got Parkinson's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ptiog/on_old_couple_in_a_nursing_home_enjoy_each_others/
%
I used to be addicted to soap...

But I'm clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pth1a/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
It makes my day when my hubby says those three special words:

"You were right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ptg08/it_makes_my_day_when_my_hubby_says_those_three/
%
A cop car pulls over Heisenberg as he's driving on the highway...

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going sir?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am.
Officer: Well, you were going EXACTLY 100 mph.
Heisenberg: Great! Now I'm lost!
Shout-out to my physics professor for making the Heisenberg uncertainty principle less boring today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pteb6/a_cop_car_pulls_over_heisenberg_as_hes_driving_on/
%
What fruit can't get married in Vegas?

Cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ptbbs/what_fruit_cant_get_married_in_vegas/
%
What's the difference between a hospital and a terrorist hideout?

I dunno man, I just fly the drones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ptazr/whats_the_difference_between_a_hospital_and_a/
%
Why was the gay couple the first to check out of the hotel in the morning?

They already got their shit packed last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pt9kz/why_was_the_gay_couple_the_first_to_check_out_of/
%
What do you call two Spanish guys playing basketball ?

Juan on Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pt7yj/what_do_you_call_two_spanish_guys_playing/
%
A gamer and a girl gamer were deeply in love, but they just couldn't find another

They were not on the same level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6psyfs/a_gamer_and_a_girl_gamer_were_deeply_in_love_but/
%
Between the Coffee and the Cocaine

I think it's Colombia's mission to keep the world awake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pstru/between_the_coffee_and_the_cocaine/
%
Reddit jokes are like a CB radio..

*copy that*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6psti0/reddit_jokes_are_like_a_cb_radio/
%
Who writes the most but keeps it short?

Lawyers. The only people who can write a 10,000 word document and call it brief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6psspk/who_writes_the_most_but_keeps_it_short/
%
Why do U2's lawyers never get paid?

Because they work pro Bono.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pssd9/why_do_u2s_lawyers_never_get_paid/
%
Being a bank guard in Alaska is tough...

Everyone wears ski masks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6psop5/being_a_bank_guard_in_alaska_is_tough/
%
So I Saw Shrek For The First Time

Ehhh ... I though it was pretty mediogre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pslo9/so_i_saw_shrek_for_the_first_time/
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Girl you look like trash...

Let me take you out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pskvz/girl_you_look_like_trash/
%
An eleven year old walks into a bar...

Just kidding, he's underage, he can't do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pskq9/an_eleven_year_old_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I had a really small problem with my car

so I took it to a quantum mechanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6psgf0/i_had_a_really_small_problem_with_my_car/
%
What's the difference between a mosquito and a slut?

A mosquito will stop sucking when you slap it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6psfgq/whats_the_difference_between_a_mosquito_and_a_slut/
%
What's the difference between humans and bullets?

Humans miss John F Kennedy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6psazo/whats_the_difference_between_humans_and_bullets/
%
Two mathematicians walk into a bar.

Two mathematicians walk into a bar and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: "I'll give you $5 is you answer "one-third x cubed" to the next question I ask you, OK?"
The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague: "I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem."
He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her,
"What is the indefinite integral of x squared?"
She responds, "one-third x cubed."
The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying "plus a constant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6psa8p/two_mathematicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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Whats the average man got in common with subway foot longs ?

they're always a little smaller than they say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ps9v9/whats_the_average_man_got_in_common_with_subway/
%
If a priest became a lawyer, what would he be?

A Father-in-law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ps9t1/if_a_priest_became_a_lawyer_what_would_he_be/
%
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.

They quickly arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ps5gv/i_saw_two_guys_wearing_matching_clothing_and_i/
%
I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"  I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6prqrc/i_went_to_the_doctors_with_hearing_problems/
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My Mum said I could never make a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6prmte/my_mum_said_i_could_never_make_a_car_out_of/
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The old Mailman

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small
commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do
something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45
years.
So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house,
and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents
to thank him for all his hard work.
At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd
house, a cheque for 200 dollars.
At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered.
She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her
upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when
they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge
breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of
coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.
The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best
day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to
ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"
The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and
he said 'fuck him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6prk3n/the_old_mailman/
%
What's the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

You can drop her off anywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pri88/whats_the_best_thing_about_dating_a_homeless_woman/
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A child comes out of the bathroom and sees his mother baking a cake

"Mommy, can I lick the bowl?"
"No sweetie, you have to flush like everyone else!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6prfvp/a_child_comes_out_of_the_bathroom_and_sees_his/
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TV Licensing

Some lad about my age in his mid 20's had someone from TV licensing at his door so I had a cheeky listen, Glad I did.
"Do you watch live TV sir?"
"Nah mate, TV's shite, don't even own one. Prefer my music me"
"May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system?"
"I don't have to let you in do I?"
"No sir, but if you're not letting me in when you say you don't own a TV, that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore require a licence"
"To be fair mate, the lass at number 23 won't let me in her knickers, that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a cock..."
With that, the door was closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6prcae/tv_licensing/
%
I can't believe my sister's new boyfriend is black..

I mean.. She said she met him at work..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6prbjh/i_cant_believe_my_sisters_new_boyfriend_is_black/
%
I am not passive aggressive

Unlike someone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pr8j2/i_am_not_passive_aggressive/
%
My buddy just became an Air Marshal.

He's a plane clothes cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pr7qm/my_buddy_just_became_an_air_marshal/
%
I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pr5uw/i_completely_disagree_with_trumps_military_trans/
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People have always said that I am a stud.

I already have the S T and D all I need is U!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqznv/people_have_always_said_that_i_am_a_stud/
%
My doctor said I am the picture of health

The before picture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqy93/my_doctor_said_i_am_the_picture_of_health/
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Two best friends go out drinking...

But their broke ass college students and could only afford to get buzzed. But they wanted to get shit faced.
So John came up with an idea. He spent his beer money and bought a large sausage.
"What the hell are we going to do with a sausage?" Jeff, the other guy, asked.
"This part of town hates fags." John said. "So when we go into a bar, we order a few drinks. After we're done with those drinks, I'll whip out this sausage from my zipper and you suck it. We will get thrown out, but best of all free beer!"
So the two agreed and went to their first bar. They played it safe and only ordered two drinks each. They gulped them down and once they were done, the sausage came out. Jeff began to suck it and in under a minute they were tossed out of the bar and told never to come back.
"Success!" John said.
"But we're not even buzzed." Jeff replied.
"Well on to the next bar then." John said.
So the two went to the next bar and ordered more drinks. Jeff sucked the sausage once they had their fill and sure enough, they were thrown out.
They got confident and both decided they should keep doing this method. So they went bar after bar  and the sausage was sucked every time until they were completely wasted.
After the Ninth bar, they get tossed out onto the street.
"You know what John." Jeff slurred. "I think I'm gonna call it a night. My throat is so damn sore, I don't think I can even swallow anymore."
"You're sore!" Jon yelled. "I lost the fucking sausage five bars ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqx7j/two_best_friends_go_out_drinking/
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Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?

For hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqujy/why_did_the_mexican_take_a_xanax/
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My first time having sex was like a roller coaster.

I was terrified, I screamed until it was completely over, and at the end my Dad showed me the pictures of our experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqu6m/my_first_time_having_sex_was_like_a_roller_coaster/
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Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach

Because all of the sharks are busy being on TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqsft/shark_week_is_actually_the_safest_time_to_go_to/
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I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer

Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqs31/i_was_reading_an_article_that_said_alligators/
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The religious painter

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.
One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.
The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.
Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”
And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqs0f/the_religious_painter/
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A diabetic friend

I was talking to my diabetic friend the other day. He said, "this new high sugar diet I'm on is great! I lost 30 pounds already. Cost me an arm and a leg though..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqrvf/a_diabetic_friend/
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How do you get that emo kid out of the tree?

Cut the rope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqq78/how_do_you_get_that_emo_kid_out_of_the_tree/
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Why did the man get fired from his job at a calendar company?

He took a few days off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqpk3/why_did_the_man_get_fired_from_his_job_at_a/
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A man decided to go skinny dipping

He found a secluded pond in the woods and went for a nude swim. Some kids happened by and decided to steal his clothes as a joke and only left his straw hat. When the man finally noticed his clothes were missing, he grabbed his hat, covered the family jewels, and made a run for home. On the way he passed a house with an old woman in a rocking chair on the porch. When she noticed what was happening she burst into laughter. The man stopped and said, "Madam, if you were a lady you would not be laughing." Once the woman could control her laughter, she replied, "If you were a gentleman, you would tip your hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqk8m/a_man_decided_to_go_skinny_dipping/
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Named my dog ''Girlfriend".

Even the dog left me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqj5a/named_my_dog_girlfriend/
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One day a man asks his caterpillar if he wants to go on a walk.

The caterpillar doesn't answer. So he asks again, "Hey caterpillar do you want to go on a walk?" Still no answer from the caterpillar. So the man asks a little louder, "HEY caterpillar! Do you want to go on a walk?" The caterpillar still says nothing. So the man yells "HEY CATERPILLAR, DO YOU WANT TO GO ON A WALK‽"
The caterpillar looked up at the man and replied "I heard you the first time. I was putting on my shoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqizr/one_day_a_man_asks_his_caterpillar_if_he_wants_to/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with his pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqirw/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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What do pirates make their jumpers from?

Yaaaarn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqhxx/what_do_pirates_make_their_jumpers_from/
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What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipes his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqh7j/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_he_dumps_his/
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A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"
She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."
So she climbs down off the railing and give the dude one of the most amazing experiences of his life. When it's over, he's completely dazed. "That was incredible!" he says. "Why the hell is someone as gorgeous as you with such... *talents* trying to kill themselves anyway?"
"It's my father. He disowned me."
"But why!?"
"For dressing up as a woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqbu3/a_man_is_walking_over_a_bridge_and_he_sees_a/
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Marijuana businesses in Washington and Colorado are now allowed to use banks..

So long as they open joint accounts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqbde/marijuana_businesses_in_washington_and_colorado/
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Offensive language

How do you turn a pussy into a dick?
Give him a gun and badge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pqau4/offensive_language/
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What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pq8hb/what_do_you_call_an_emo_a_capella_group/
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As a carpenter my father used to always tell me "Son, remember it's measure twice cut once."

I just wish he'd told my Rabbi that too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pq86x/as_a_carpenter_my_father_used_to_always_tell_me/
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If I had a dime for every time I didn't think something through...

I'd have...well, I don't know really, I guess a lot of dimes.
Oh hey, just found a dime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pq4x3/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_didnt_think/
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Did you know they outlawed round bales of hay?

Because the cows weren't getting a square meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pq4b5/did_you_know_they_outlawed_round_bales_of_hay/
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Wives are amazing magicians...

They can turn anything into an argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pq42a/wives_are_amazing_magicians/
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Heads up!

I heard boomerangs are making a comeback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pq1e0/heads_up/
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The Boss and The Client

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.
-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.
Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.
The boss agreed though he was surprized at the weird things the client asked to have.
The client went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else.
Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.
After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.
The boss didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.
In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.
He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.
The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.
The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.
After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.
The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 79g.
This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.
Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face.
The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn't arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.
The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.
To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.
The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.
In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
-''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
-''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
-''Swear''
-''I swear I won't reveal your secret''
So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.
Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone.
When he does, I will let you know... thank you for reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pq0ib/the_boss_and_the_client/
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In the physics department's bathroom

There is a stall that has graffiti on the wall. The graffiti reads "Werner Heisenberg may have been here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pq04e/in_the_physics_departments_bathroom/
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A guy is driving along when he spots a gypsies caravan on the side of the road with a sign saying, "readings $10 per person".

He pulls over thinking this could be a laugh, and enters the caravan.
The gypsy immediately grabs his hands, looks at them for a couple of seconds and looks up into the guys eyes.
She says, "Thriller, pretty woman, when doves cry ,stairway to heaven."
"wow", said the guy, "those are my favourite songs!"
"impressive", he continues, "please, tell me my future"
"can not" exclaims the gypsy, "I am just a four tune teller"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ppxol/a_guy_is_driving_along_when_he_spots_a_gypsies/
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Joke I heard about censorship yesterday...

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ppvsh/joke_i_heard_about_censorship_yesterday/
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My grandma's star sign was Cancer so her death was pretty ironic...

She was killed by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ppujn/my_grandmas_star_sign_was_cancer_so_her_death_was/
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Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tears to my eyes

I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pptu8/watching_my_wedding_video_in_reverse_brought/
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Dwarfs

A man is driving along a road after doing grocery when a red dwarf jumps in front of his car. His car screeches to a halt and the dwarf says: "im a red dwarf and asshole and if you dont give me all your strawberries then i wont move out of the way." The man reluctantly hands over the strawberries that he'd just bought and the dwarf moves out of the and lets the man drive past. After driving for another 5 minutes, a yellow dwarf jumps in front of his car amd says: "im a yellow dwarf and asshole and if you dont give me all your bananas then i wont move out of the way." Again, the man hands over his hard-earned bananas and the dwarf moves out of the way. The man drives some more when a blue dwarf stops his car. He steps out of the car and says: "let me guess, you are a blue dwarf and asshole. What do you want?".
"License and registration, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pprp3/dwarfs/
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A kid and a clown are walking through the woods.

The kid looks around and says, "man these woods sure are scary"
The clown replies, "you're telling me I have to walk out of here alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ppqlm/a_kid_and_a_clown_are_walking_through_the_woods/
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This [long] joke always cracked me up..

My grandpa was stationed in Germany after the war. And when I was very small he told me about this little restaurant that served THE best Bavarian cream pie. Apparently he went there every opportunity he had. He couldn't get enough of that Bavarian cream pie - it was absolutely unreal.
Well, a few years ago, my grandpa found out that he had a terminal illness, and only had a few months left to live. So, he booked a deluxe vacation cruise to Europe that would eventually take him to that little town in Germany with the famous Bavarian cream pie.
A few weeks into the cruise, the ship started slowly sinking off of the coast of Portugal. I don't know if you remember that, but it was all over the news at the time. Well the life raft that my grandpa was in also turned out to be slowly leaking. So he helped all of the people that were in his life raft onto another one, but he wouldn't get on himself because it was already so overloaded. So, my grandpa, and I'm not making this up. This was in the news. My grandpa, at 84 years old, swims for over a mile in the Atlantic Ocean to the coast of Portugal.
Water-logged and exhausted, he hitches a ride and gets dropped off about 100 miles outside his destination in Germany. Trying to cross a main highway, he gets clipped by the side mirror of a car, but not badly, and he manages to hitch another ride with some people headed for Germany.
Eventually he catches a bus and arrives in this little town in Germany that he remembered from his youth. He's thrilled to find the old restaurant that he'd loved so much 60 years ago, and he walks in and takes his usual seat at the table by the window. The waitress comes over and my grandpa says, (my grandpa spoke German fluently, by the way), he says, "I know exactly what I want. You have no idea what I've had to go through to get here. I would love a nice big slice of your wonderful Bavarian cream pie."
The waitress says, "Sorry, Sir - but we're all out of Bavarian cream."
My grandpa says, "Apple's fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ppq23/this_long_joke_always_cracked_me_up/
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We all felt euphoric once I added sharks to the pool inside my house...

That's because the pool was full of indoor-fins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ppoqd/we_all_felt_euphoric_once_i_added_sharks_to_the/
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Though some people may tell you that the holy land is fake...

... it Israel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ppn1e/though_some_people_may_tell_you_that_the_holy/
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I bumped into the governor when I visited the capitol

I said "Pardon me" then he quickly turned around and said "That will be five thousand dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ppj5x/i_bumped_into_the_governor_when_i_visited_the/
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I don't like to call my stepdad my "stepdad",

I like to call him my "faux pa".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pphxu/i_dont_like_to_call_my_stepdad_my_stepdad/
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When do you see a sandwich cook?

When it's bakin' lettuce and tomato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pphp4/when_do_you_see_a_sandwich_cook/
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Little Johnny...

runs to his older sister.
Johnny: "I know why girls don't have a penis, it drops away when they get older."
Sister: "Wait, how did you come up with this, Johnny?"
Johnny: "Well I went into your room and found yours under the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ppf89/little_johnny/
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Die while having sex

I said to my wife, "When I die, I'd like to die having sex."
She said, "At least we know it’ll be quick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ppevh/die_while_having_sex/
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Why doesn't Jesus trust /r/Jokes?

He's afraid he might get re-posted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pp77m/why_doesnt_jesus_trust_rjokes/
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The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with the guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "He came in this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk goes, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pp47d/the_owner_of_a_drug_store_walks_in_to_find_a_guy/
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Never try to annoy someone with bird puns

Because toucan play at that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pp33d/never_try_to_annoy_someone_with_bird_puns/
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Based on a true story (programming, walks into a bar)

Two programmers walk into a bar. The Python programmer orders an orange juice. The C programmer gets a look of disgust and says "You're in a bar! You should order an alcoholic drink!" The Python programmer gets his juice, pulls out his wallet, and pays for his drink. The C programmer tells the bartender, "I want a hard whiskey, and put it on my tab." The Python programmer gets a look of disgust and shouts "Tab?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pp1yg/based_on_a_true_story_programming_walks_into_a_bar/
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them

Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pp1x8/my_therapist_told_me_to_write_letters_to_the/
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Why do deep sea fish do drugs?

Because the pressure is too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6poqnx/why_do_deep_sea_fish_do_drugs/
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I have an amputee fetish and finally decided to meet up with one.

Found her on StubHub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pomok/i_have_an_amputee_fetish_and_finally_decided_to/
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What does my asshole and my Toyota have in common?

They're both leaking tranny fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pojxt/what_does_my_asshole_and_my_toyota_have_in_common/
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What gets easier as you get taller?

Washing your junk in the sink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6poj5w/what_gets_easier_as_you_get_taller/
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Xbox attacked Playstation.

Here comes the ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pogle/xbox_attacked_playstation/
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Not your usual goat joke

I walked past a baby goat sleeping. I was later arrested for kidnapping, has nothing to do with the kid napping, they just found my basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pog2d/not_your_usual_goat_joke/
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Why is Santa always so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pof3m/why_is_santa_always_so_jolly/
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Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.

Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6poefh/every_family_has_that_weird_slightly_perverted/
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"Great job!" said one Roman soldier to the other. "You really nailed that one!"

But Jesus was not impressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pod9k/great_job_said_one_roman_soldier_to_the_other_you/
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The Americans and Russians

at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6poc7r/the_americans_and_russians/
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A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.
Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6poaoy/a_young_man_robbed_a_bank_wearing_a_suit_made_of/
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[NSFW] 2 Bros sitting in a nightclub

One of them is looking kind of dejected.
"What's wrong man?" Says his friend.
"Man, I've been shot down 5 times already tonight. I swear I just don't know how to talk to women. I get all nervous and my words don't come out right."
His buddy remembers it's been raining that day and says "check this out, here's what you do. Walk up to the next beautiful woman you see and say 'tickle your ass with a feather.'" The friend looks at him crazy.
"No, no, it's cool. Some chicks are into that kinky crap. If she's showing that she's not? Just tell her 'it's particularly nasty weather' and she'll think she misheard you."
With reluctance the guy decides to give it a shot. With his buddy watching from a distance, he walks to the bar and approaches the most beautiful woman in the club and taps her on the shoulder. Without skipping a beat he says,
"Shove a feather up your ass."
"What!?!"
"It's fuckin' rainin' bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6poab6/nsfw_2_bros_sitting_in_a_nightclub/
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Went to my eye doctor the other day... Guess who I bumped into?

Everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6po961/went_to_my_eye_doctor_the_other_day_guess_who_i/
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What did the baby corn say to its mother?

Where's popcorn?
Was that too corny for you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6po6vd/what_did_the_baby_corn_say_to_its_mother/
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Accordion to a recent survey...

Most people don't notice when words are swapped for instruments in sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6po6ea/accordion_to_a_recent_survey/
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Comfortable!!!

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6po2wb/comfortable/
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(NSFW) A young man decided to have his first time with a prostitute.

As she lay on her back, she murmured, "Put your finger into me."
The young man did.
Then she said, "Put two fingers into me."
The young man did.
Then she said, "Put three fingers into me."
The young man did.
Then she said, "Put your whole hand into me."
The young man did.
Then she said, "Put both hands into me."
The young man did.
Then she said, "Now, clap your hands."
"I . . . I can't," said the young man.
She grinned.  "Pretty tight, huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6po0l9/nsfw_a_young_man_decided_to_have_his_first_time/
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How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, they're very efficient and not that funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6po02a/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Two men are out on a hike...

Two men are out on a hike on the mountain. As they are coming down from the top, the clouds turn black and it starts thrashing down with rain. They throw their coats over their heads and run to the one man's house as fast as they could. They get back and dry themselves off.
The rain continues for a few hours, without letup. "Listen," says the one man, "this rain isn't going to stop anytime soon. Why don't you spend the night here? I'll just head upstairs and sort out the spare room for you. I'll be about an hour."
An hour passes and the spare room has been hoovered, dusted, things put away, bed made. He heads back down to his guest. He is shocked to find that his guest is completely drenched.
"What happened to you?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, since I'm spending the night, I thought I'd better go home and get my pyjamas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pnxhy/two_men_are_out_on_a_hike/
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Anniversary idea

For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pnqy5/anniversary_idea/
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What's the similarity between DNA and diarrhea?

They both run in the genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pnqd3/whats_the_similarity_between_dna_and_diarrhea/
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A man gets off the plane

in a country he has never been before. He steps out the airport and hails a cab.
Once he's in and tells the address, the cabbie starts driving like a lunatic. The man starts grabbing his seat while the cabbie does dangerous movements.
When they come across a red light, and the cabbie doesn't stop, the man gathers up his courage to say "At least stop at the red light" in a soft voice.
Cabbie responds "manly drivers do not stop at red lights"
A little while later there is a green light at an intersection and the cab stops. Surprised the man asks "What kinda lunatic are you to drive past red lights and stop at green?"
Cabbie says "there are other manly drivers too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pnq61/a_man_gets_off_the_plane/
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What do Dutch sheep do at night?

Schleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pnq0p/what_do_dutch_sheep_do_at_night/
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A librarian is at work at a public library and sees a chicken walk in...

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."
This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.
A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."
Again it doesn't stop so the librarian finds another book to give the chicken and again the chicken pushes the book out the front door.
Throughout the day the chicken keeps coming back, saying "book, book, book, book," and gets a new book to take away.
Finally curiosity gets the better of the librarian and so decides to follow the chicken and find out it is doing with the books.
From the front door the librarian sees the chicken push the book across the road to a park, and then towards a pond.
The librarian sees the chicken get to the pond so sneaks closer to see what happens. At the pond the chicken pushes the book to a lily pad and says "book, book, book, book."
From the lily pad a frog takes one look at the book and says "Reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pnpf8/a_librarian_is_at_work_at_a_public_library_and/
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I said to myself, "Thomas, today is the day you start eating healthy and exercising".

Thank God my name isn't Thomas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pnoow/i_said_to_myself_thomas_today_is_the_day_you/
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Why was 6 afraid?

Because she could be discovered by the crew of Battlestar Galactica at any moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pnnds/why_was_6_afraid/
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TIL: On an average week in Chicago, there are around a hundred shootings and five to ten people are killed.

Those people need to take lessons or something. Their aim must be awful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pnm9o/til_on_an_average_week_in_chicago_there_are/
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I woke up and watched the Religion channel for a change...

And there was a man shouting at me on the tv. "YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS, BUT YOU HAVE ALREADY SINNED TODAY!". "But I just woke up, I'm still in bed", I thought. I rolled over and asked my sister if I had sinned today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pnlch/i_woke_up_and_watched_the_religion_channel_for_a/
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How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

Cause she can fit into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pnjnf/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
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What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A Labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pniq7/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_can_do_magic/
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Great Writer.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pnhqo/great_writer/
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Broke and starving, Bill & Ted walks up to a bakery.

Bill: "Look..I stole 3 pieces of bread, placed them in my pocket and the baker didn't even notice. It's like magic!
Ted: "You want to see real magic? Watch this."
Ted approaches the baker: "Excuse me, sir. Would you like to see a magic trick? Let me eat 3 pieces of your bread then watch me bring them back." "Sure. Let's see it" replied the Baker.
So, Ted heartily eats 3 pieces of bread. Baker:"Ok..you said you were gonna bring my bread back. Where are they?"
Ted: "See my friend over here? Check his pocket. Your 3 pieces of bread are in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pnh3k/broke_and_starving_bill_ted_walks_up_to_a_bakery/
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What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo?

An Eski-moo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pnged/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_lives_in_an_igloo/
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What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pneqz/whats_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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I've developed a FOOL-PROOF, GUARANTEED method to lose 5 pounds or more in only MINUTES, and to keep it off PERMANENTLY!!!

Find out more in my new book, "The Idiot's Guide to Self-Amputation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pn7pv/ive_developed_a_foolproof_guaranteed_method_to/
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Why do the conjoined twins travel to London?

...so the other twin gets the chance to drive a car =(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pn6o5/why_do_the_conjoined_twins_travel_to_london/
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A String Walks Into A Bar

Inside the bar, the string asks for a beer. Sadly for the string, though, the bartender states "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." So, the string walks out of the bar, frazzles up his head, twists his stomach and walks back in. The bartender, noticing the string, says "Hey!- aren't you that string from earlier?" The string replies "Nope, I'm afraid not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pn6id/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pn4uj/my_ex_used_to_hit_me_with_musical_instruments/
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Crime And Violence

When I think about it, we are the ones to blame for all the crime and violence we have today, after all, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to get changed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pn3yi/crime_and_violence/
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Red Riding Hood from Chernobyl with 3 boobs walks through the forest...

Wolf is checking her out from the bushes and thinks about raping her.
Wolf jumps out of the bush, tackles her and starts to undress her.
He sees three boobs and says: "Oh my God, you have three boobs!"
She replies to him: "If you don't like it, you can suck my dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pn3ge/red_riding_hood_from_chernobyl_with_3_boobs_walks/
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"Look! A flock of cows!"

"Herd."
"What was that?"
"Herd of cows..."
"Well of course I've heard of cows."
There's a whole flock of them right over there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pmzgd/look_a_flock_of_cows/
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Plane crash survivor - in the jungle

A plane crashes in the middle of the jungle. Only one man survives. Members of a jungle tribe find the man and take him to their village. After a few weeks the survivor gets back on his feet only to realize that he is too far away to ever get back to a civilized part of the world. He starts to live with the tribe and after a while he starts to understand that the members of the tribe are all men. A few months later he is able to communicate with them. And after a year he is horny enough to ask what the members do to “satisfy their needs”. He is told to meet the men by river at dusk. The survivor is very excited and meets with the tribe by the riverside. All the men jump into the water and start to bang the hippos that live in the river. The survivor is disappointed and turns around. After a few weeks he is so horny that he goes back to the river at dusk. All the other men are already in the water. After a few seconds of hesitation the man jumps into the water and starts pounding a hippo. Suddenly all the members of the tribe start to laugh hysterically. All the men roll around and hold their sides. He stops and asks ”What are you all laughing about – you are all fucking the hippos as well”. A member of the tribe manages to interrupt his laughter and says: “Yes, but not such an ugly one!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pmxy6/plane_crash_survivor_in_the_jungle/
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What did the excited gardener do when spring finally came?

He wet his plants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pmxsj/what_did_the_excited_gardener_do_when_spring/
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What do you call people with a penchant for choking.

Asphixionados

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pmwe4/what_do_you_call_people_with_a_penchant_for/
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I asked someone in North Korea how their day was going...

They replied, "Can't complain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pmu9e/i_asked_someone_in_north_korea_how_their_day_was/
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Birthday

The Judge asks the defendant, “When is your birthday Mr McKenzie?“
-
“February 20th, Your Honor.”
-
“And what year?”
-
“Every year, Your Honor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pmr8a/birthday/
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A painter's patience (my first joke)

A painter asked his client where to start painting his house.
-"Roof" said the client.
-"Ok" said the painter.
Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting.
-"Where now?" Said the painter.
-"Roof!" Yelled the client.
-"I already painted there, tell me where to paint now..." Said the painter with little patience.
-"Roof!!" Yelled the client again
With anger in his eyes the painter said:
-"That's it! This is the last time i paint a dog's house!"
I hope you have a stupid smile because of this stupid joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pmluw/a_painters_patience_my_first_joke/
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A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go

The coffee gets up and leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pmis6/a_guy_walks_into_a_cafe_and_orders_a_coffee_to_go/
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Three beers

A man walks into a local bar. He's new in town, since the barkeeper knows everyone else there. The man sits down at a small table. The barkeeper approaches him and asks what he wants to order. He says "I'll have three beers please." The barkeeper says that he could bring them one after another but the man insists on having three beers at once.
So the barkeeper brings him three beers at once, the man finishes, leaves, comes back the next week and does the same. This goes on for a few weeks until the barkeeper finally asks him why he orders three beers at once. The man says: "You see, I have two best friends. We always got together this day of the week to have three beers together. Recently we each had to leave to different cities. We made a pakt that we would still have those beers, one for everyone, at the same time in a different city."
The barkeeper was moved by this, since he now knows that man's motivation, which is absolutely great.
One week the man comes in and sits down at his table. The barkeeper approaches and asks "The usual?" The man replies "No, just two beers please". The barkeeper is confused and gets the beers. He's thinking about this change and comes to the conclusion that one of the man's friends must have passed away.
So he brings the beers to the man, puts his hand on his shoulder and says "I'm sorry for your friend, mate." The man says "What, why?". The barkeeper is confused and starts explaining that he thought one of his friends must have passed away, since the man only ordered two drinks.
The man replies: "Oh, what, no, not at all, I just stopped drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pmgfx/three_beers/
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Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pmf4y/teacher_what_do_you_do_after_school/
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Do not Get Nervous

Ashok: Why did you run away from operation Table ?
Ramesh : The nurse was repeatedly saying- "don't get nervous" ,"don't be afraid.
"Be strong" This is a small operation only."
Ashok : So what was wrong in that? Why are you so afraid?
Ramesh: She was talking to the surgeon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pmf09/do_not_get_nervous/
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A teenager is at his grandparents' house

He's staying for the weekend and it's pouring down rain outside. He's frustrated that he has to stay inside, so he sits at the window complaining. His grandfather comes up and sits next to him, resting an easy hand on his shoulder before speaking gently.
"Looks like it's raining a fair bit outside buddy, you'll have to be stuck inside with us" he said, smiling softly.
His grandson rolled his eyes and shrugged his grandfather's hand off his shoulder before responding bluntly.
"Tell me something I don't know."
The grandfather's gaze shifts to the window as he clears his throat.
"Well, your grandmother can take my entire fist in her ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pm5jj/a_teenager_is_at_his_grandparents_house/
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Why does a golf player wear two pair of pants?

In case he makes a hole in one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pm190/why_does_a_golf_player_wear_two_pair_of_pants/
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The girl next door to mine is a pornstar

But she is going to be really mad if she finds out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pm18o/the_girl_next_door_to_mine_is_a_pornstar/
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Where did Jesus learn to make ice cream?

Sundae School

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pm0k6/where_did_jesus_learn_to_make_ice_cream/
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My family asked me to stop devoting my life to Metallica

I told them nothing else matters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pm0hg/my_family_asked_me_to_stop_devoting_my_life_to/
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Why did the blind man fall down the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pm072/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_down_the_well/
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My son is starting to use reddit more and more everyday...

I think I passed him something heREDDITary ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6plzib/my_son_is_starting_to_use_reddit_more_and_more/
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Two satellites decided to get married

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6plwct/two_satellites_decided_to_get_married/
%
Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn't my favorite thing...

But it's up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pluo3/getting_my_kite_stuck_in_a_tree_isnt_my_favorite/
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What do you call it when you put syrup in the washing machine?

A viscous cycle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6plrek/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_put_syrup_in_the/
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Me and my girlfriend's father have more in common than he thinks

I don't like me either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6plnqq/me_and_my_girlfriends_father_have_more_in_common/
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Two blondes are at a bar celebrating

as soon as the drinks arrive, they give a quick toast, exclaiming **21** then turn up their glasses.  The bartender thought this was odd, considering they both looked to be close to 30. Time passes, another round ordered, and other celebratory cheers stating **21**. The bartender again ignored them and moved on. On the third occasion with the same celebration, the bartender decided to ask what the big occasion was.  Was it 21 years as friends? 21 some sort of big number for work? 21 months married? What. One blonde was all too happy to explain that it was none of those. She went on to say "we just finished one of those puzzles that said 7-10 years and it only took us 21 days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6plnki/two_blondes_are_at_a_bar_celebrating/
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Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady

and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6plkvt/typical_macho_man_married_typical_goodlooking_lady/
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A farmer went to milk his cow

. He put the bucket down under the udders and started milking, but after a few seconds, the cow took her left leg and knocked the bucket over. The farmer sighed and found a piece of rope and tied the left leg to the pillar on the left and went back to milking.
After a few squirts of milk the cow took her right leg and kicked the bucket over again. The farmer started getting a little bit upset. He found another piece of rope and tied the right leg to the pillar on the right and continued milking.
After the bucket was nearly a quarter of the way full, the cow swung her tail and knocked the bucket over once more, spilling all the milk. The farmer looked around but couldn't find another piece of rope. He then took his belt off and tied the cow's tail to the support beam above.
Then, just as his pants fell down around his ankles, his wife walked in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6plglm/a_farmer_went_to_milk_his_cow/
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Trump has a heart attack ....

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6plfah/trump_has_a_heart_attack/
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I got a sweet piece of ass last night!

My finger broke through the toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6plduv/i_got_a_sweet_piece_of_ass_last_night/
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The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6plcli/the_doctor_gave_me_4_months_to_live/
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What do you call a red-haired baker?

The ginger bread man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6plc0d/what_do_you_call_a_redhaired_baker/
%
Doctor: try not to eat anything fatty

Me: what?! No pizza? No burgers?
Doctor: no, fatty, just don't eat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pl9ee/doctor_try_not_to_eat_anything_fatty/
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A man with a black eye

Walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says 'Wow, rough night?.' The man replies back, 'no my dads a panda.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pl6gc/a_man_with_a_black_eye/
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Winner! Winner! Chicken dinner!

A guy is driving down a country road when suddenly a chicken darts into the road ahead of him. He swerves to miss it but is pretty sure he hit it. When he looks in the rearview mirror, though, he doesn't see the chicken. When he looks back forward, he sees that the chicken is running ahead of the car! Since he's doing about 40 mph, this astounds him. He decides to follow the chicken.
Down the road a bit, the chicken turns down a dirt lane and then runs into a barn yard, where a farmer is scattering feed to hundreds of free-range chickens. He then notices that all of the chickens have four legs! Incredulous, he asks the farmer what the deal is with the four-legged chickens.
"Well," the farmer replied, "I noticed that people really like their drumsticks and there are never enough to satisfy everyone who wants one at the dinner table. So I spent years breeding a four-legged chicken so that everyone who wants a drumstick could have one."
"That's brilliant!" said the man. "What do they taste like?"
"Don't know." answered the farmer. "Never been able to catch one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pl1yx/winner_winner_chicken_dinner/
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What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pkyoo/what_do_you_call_a_guitarist_without_a_girlfriend/
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Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...

It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pks2c/microsoft_edge_is_a_big_improvement_over_ie/
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So these two snowmen are standing in a field.

Then one turns to the other and says "hey is it just me, or does it smell like carrots?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pknya/so_these_two_snowmen_are_standing_in_a_field/
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Horny glow bugs...

are fucking lit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pkk73/horny_glow_bugs/
%
I was dating a math textbook for a while. Things have been kind of rough lately, and last night I decided to break it off.

There were just too many problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pkcxq/i_was_dating_a_math_textbook_for_a_while_things/
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America is sure having some bad luck lately

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pkcm9/america_is_sure_having_some_bad_luck_lately/
%
Hey girl, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?

Just enough to be awkward when meeting a girl, hi my names steve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pkbvd/hey_girl_do_you_know_how_much_a_polar_bear_weighs/
%
A man walks into the Doctor's

"Doctor, Doctor! I've got a sore throat."
The doctor goes,
"I know how to fix this, stand by the window and stick your tongue out."
The man complies and stands by the window for a good 5 to 10 minutes sticking his tongue out before he can't stand it anymore.
"Doctor, this seems ridiculous, are you sure it's going to help my sore throat?"
"No, I just don't like the man across the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pkbkk/a_man_walks_into_the_doctors/
%
I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pkasp/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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A guy gets out of jail.

With only $10 to his name and extremely horny, he heads to the local whorehouse. He pleads and begs the pimp for a $10 lay. Finally, the pimp says, "Look, for ten bucks, all I got for you is a chicken."  The guy is desperate so he agrees on fucking a chicken.
The guy enters a room and sure enough there's a chicken.  He has his way with the bird and leaves.
He manages to scrape up another $10 and returns the next day to the pimp.  "Do you have anything else besides the chicken?", he asks.  The pimp replies, "Well, we do have a show where you can just watch two people fucking".
He takes that offer and enters a room with a large window and a couple of chairs. While watching the show he turns to the guy next to him and says, "this is a pretty good show for $10". The guy next to him responds, "You should have seen the show yesterday. Some guy was fucking a chicken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pk9sk/a_guy_gets_out_of_jail/
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What do you call a bear without teeth?

A gummy bear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pk9ix/what_do_you_call_a_bear_without_teeth/
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I got so drunk last night

I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pk8w3/i_got_so_drunk_last_night/
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Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "that's not even close"
me: "yeah, but it was fast"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pk3we/interviewer_i_heard_you_were_extremely_quick_at/
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Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pk2mh/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
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A family of snails go to the park for lunch

Daddy snail, mummy snail and baby snail have planned to go to the park for lunch and have packed their favourite food and drink - lettuce sandwiches and lemonade.
So they set off and it takes them weeks to get to the park on account of them being snails and moving slowly
Once they get to the park they begin to unpack their basket and daddy snail exclaims "oh no! we've forgotten the lemonade!"
mummy snail replies "we cant have the lettuce sandwiches without the lemonade you will to go back and get them"
So daddy snail agrees under one condition: They do not eat any of the sandwiches
"Promise me you wont eat the sandwiches, i know you will do it, so promise me!"
In unison they reply "We wont eat them we promise, we wouldnt eat without you".
Daddy snail shouts as he leaves "you better not eat those sandwiches without me, promise me again!"
Mummy snail and baby snail reply back "we wont we promise, we will wait for you, you can trust us"
Daddy snail sets off seemingly happy with whats been said and slowly goes out of sight from mummy and baby snail.
Its been a few days now and baby snail says "oh mummy im feeling a little hungry"
mummy snail replies "it wont be long dear daddy with return soon and we can enjoy our lunch"
"Okay mummy im very excited for it"
Its just over a week and mummy and baby snail are looking uncomfortable, mummy snail says "it wont be long now dear, we will eat soon"
Its 3 weeks at this point and both mummy and baby snail are licking their snaily lips salivating thinking of those sweet lettuce sandwiches sat next to them in the basket "Mummy can we not just have one to hold us off?"
"No No dear we promised daddy it wont be long now, just look at the road and keep an eye out for him"
Its 8 weeks and mummy and baby are really agitated, they both know daddy should be back by now, baby snail asks again "please mummy can we not just nibble on one im ever so hungry"
"no dear we promised daddy we wont eat any of them, just hold on, it wont be long now" so they go back to waiting and wasting away
Its been 12 weeks and baby snail is perishing and mummy snail is struggling too she says "we can just nibble one between us daddy won...." as shes finishing her sentence grabbing for the sandwich a rustling in the bushes happens...
"AH HA!" Shouts daddy snail as he jumps out of the bushes "I knew i couldnt trust you! so im not going!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pk1fo/a_family_of_snails_go_to_the_park_for_lunch/
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[long] A hunter shoots a flying goose...

Proud of his hit he walks to fetch it only to see a farmer waiting for him - holding the goose.
"Sorry sir, this goose is mine. I shot it", explains the hunter.
The farmer replies with a smirk: "But it landed on my property, so it's mine."
"Excuse me? You can't just take what's mine! Hand it over, right now!" The hunter is clearly angry. The farmer's grin getting bigger.
"Alright alright", the farmer says calmingly. "Let's settle this with a simple game we use around here to resolve an argument. The winner will keep the goose. The rules are simple. I'll kick you in the nuts and see how much time it takes you to recover. Then you'll do the same to me. Whoever recovers faster is the winner."
The hunter, provoked and angry, agrees immediately.
The two get ready, the farmer kicks first. He takes a full swing and hits the farmer right between the legs. The hunter nearly blacks out; a moment passes before he screams in agonising pain, holding his crotch. His knees give in and he falls face first onto the ground. Time passes and the hunter does his best to endure the pain and get back up.
Eventually, still in pain, the hunter gets back onto his feet. With teary eyes and a sore throat he says: "Now it's my turn!"
The farmer, looks at him smiling, shakes his head and goes:
"nah, man. It's fine, you can have it. Here's the goose, I didn't want it anyway", and walks off, laughing out loud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pk0ou/long_a_hunter_shoots_a_flying_goose/
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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pk0k2/my_brother_just_updated_his_status_to_i_love_my/
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A boy walks in on his parents

A Boy walked in on his parents having sex. They said; "We're making you a baby brother or sister." He said; "Nono, Do it doggie-style. I'd rather have a puppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pk0fm/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_parents/
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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pjzms/i_tried_to_share_a_bag_of_chips_with_a_homeless/
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the drunk genie joke

So a guy walks into a bar, and sees a magic lamp just sitting there. He asks the bartender, "who left this here? alladin?"
the bar tender shakes his head and says,
"nah, it really works. pour a shot into it!"
so the guy buys a shot and pours it into the lamp, and out pops a genie, and he looks really faded. The genie says,
"normally i could grant you three wishes but I'm pretty fucked up right now, so pick one.."
The guy doesn't miss a beat and says, I wish my dick touched the floor. The genie nods and then disappears.
the next morning he wakes up with no legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pjzbp/the_drunk_genie_joke/
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Hey girl, are you a parking ticket?

Because NO ONE LIKES YOU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pjwv5/hey_girl_are_you_a_parking_ticket/
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Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Wouldn't it be more fitting if it was asteroids, I mean think about it instead of being a proctologist you would be a astronaut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pjs4s/why_are_hemorrhoids_called_hemorrhoids_instead_of/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.
"$3", says the bartender.
The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated.
The next day, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table.
Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change".
The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pjqdc/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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What's the best part about having sex with a German girl?

She's expecting your wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pjq32/whats_the_best_part_about_having_sex_with_a/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pjnxk/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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What do you call a Mexican boat that crashed into an Iceberg?

Cinco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pjfv5/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_boat_that_crashed_into/
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The two most difficult things in programming...

The two most difficult things in programming are memory management, naming things, and off by one errors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pjfoe/the_two_most_difficult_things_in_programming/
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Would you like the ability to read minds?

Mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pjfjr/would_you_like_the_ability_to_read_minds/
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Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A hippo is heavy and a zippo is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pjf5w/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Did you hear about the racist chemists' club?

It's called the potassium potassium potassium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pjekq/did_you_hear_about_the_racist_chemists_club/
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I'm about to have a dangerous cup of coffee...

...safe tea first, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pj5mf/im_about_to_have_a_dangerous_cup_of_coffee/
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I asked my librarian if she had a book on short term memory loss...



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pj2xz/i_asked_my_librarian_if_she_had_a_book_on_short/
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Another penguin joke. nsfw

A penguin takes his car in to a mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it will be an hour until he is ready. So the penguin decides to get an ice cream cone.
Penguins don't have opposable thumbs let alone fingers so he ends up with ice cream all over himself.
Later, he returns to the mechanic who says"I found the problem. It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, I just ate some ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pj2jc/another_penguin_joke_nsfw/
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Sex is like math

I don't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pivw2/sex_is_like_math/
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What does Chipotle dread when making a post on social media?

Going viral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pivv1/what_does_chipotle_dread_when_making_a_post_on/
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What do you call a turtle with a hard-on?

A slow poke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pit0l/what_do_you_call_a_turtle_with_a_hardon/
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TIL that the government is selling military equipment for precious metals.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pin4o/til_that_the_government_is_selling_military/
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Three men survive a plane crash...

Three men survive a plane crash on what appears to be a deserted island. In short order however, they realize it's inhabited by a tribe of cannibals. Surrounded by savages and all hope fading fast, one of the men pleas for the lives of him and his fellow survivors. The chief ponders his pleas and ultimately decides to give them a chance.
"Life is dull on this island but we do have one game. If you can win at this game we shall allow you to live" says the chief.
"Alright. What is this game?"
"You must shove 10 pieces of your choice of fruit up your butt without making a single noise"
Confused but scared for their lives, the three men agree to this odd game. The first man chooses peaches. The entire island falls deathly silent as he begins. The first three go smoothly but as the 4th one is inserted he lets out a groan with a loud "NNNHHH!" The tribe of cannibals roar with laughter and excitement. They tie the man up and throw him down next to the fire to prepare him for eating.
The second man chooses blueberries. Confident in his decision, he begins. As the first one goes in, the island again falls silent. He inserts the second blueberry. Then another. And another and another. Up until the 9th. The second man, ass full of blueberry and intense focus clear on his face, is about to insert the 10th and final blueberry into his butthole when he suddenly starts laughing hysterically. The tribe of cannibals are confused but the rules are what they are so they tie him up and lay him next to the fire for eating.
The first man looks at the second and asks "What the hell did you find so funny? Come on you were so close! One more blueberry and you would've survived! One blueberry away from shoving it in these savages faces! What happened?"
Still chuckling, the second man replies "I saw the third guy coming with pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pimxo/three_men_survive_a_plane_crash/
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Why are Pandas untrustworthy?

They bamboozle you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6piklu/why_are_pandas_untrustworthy/
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Olive joke

A green olive and a black olive are hanging out, doing what olives do, going to the Olive Garden.
On the way out, the green olive trips and falls. The black olive is like OMG are you okay?
The green olive says yeah, olive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pihyp/olive_joke/
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A guy is sitting at home...

when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
3 years later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What the fuck was that all about?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pih0t/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home/
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Women is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judges says, "First Offender?" She says, "No, First a Gibson, then a Fender."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pifuo/women_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
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In 1991,

Pee Wee Herman was arrested for masturbating in a movie theater. What a lot of people do not realize is that he represented himself in court, believing he could get himself off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pidmw/in_1991/
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One of my favorite jokes about Pet Fish (long)

A man was stopped by a game-warden with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.
“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.”
“That’s a bunch of crap! Fish can’t do that!” replied the warden in disbelief.
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”
“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious.
The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited…
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”
“Well, what?” the man responded.
“When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted.
“Call who back?” the man asked.
“The FISH,” the warden said sternly.
“What fish?” the man asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6piaux/one_of_my_favorite_jokes_about_pet_fish_long/
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pia56/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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Mr Johnson interview.

- We are here with Mr Johnson in his 106 Birthday! Please Mr Johnson, tell us your secret.
- I got fucked in the ass once.
- Your secret for living so long Mr Johnson...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pi9k4/mr_johnson_interview/
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The teenage granddaughter

comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pi7yk/the_teenage_granddaughter/
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Sleeping Pills

A man walks into his doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need sleeping pills".
"Why, what's going on?", replies the doctor.
"I have these two songs constantly stuck in my head and I can't sleep! You've got to help me!", implores the man.
"Well which two songs?" asks the doctor.
"That song 'What's New Pussycat' and the theme song to the movie Thunderball", the man tells the doctor.
"Ah. You've got Tom Jones Syndrome", the doctor solemnly tells the man.
"Tom Jones Syndrome? I've never heard of that! Is it rare?" the man asks.
The doctor replies, "It's not unusual".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pi738/sleeping_pills/
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A prisoner managed to escape after 12 years in prison

When he got home his wife looked at him and said, **"Where the hell have you been? They said on the news you escaped  8 HOURS AGO!!"**
The guy ran back to the jail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pi16i/a_prisoner_managed_to_escape_after_12_years_in/
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A female gorilla is alone in a cage at the zoo...

... She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He walks over to him and asks:
"Would you be willing to.. perhaps have sex with a gorilla for 500 dollars?"
The janitor thinks about it for a while and agrees but on 3 conditions.
"First!" He says, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Understood?"
"Yes." Says the zookeeper.
"Second!" The janitor says, "I don't want anyone to know about this!"
"Alright" says the zookeeper, "And what's the third condition?"
"I'm going to need a little bit more time to come up with the 500 dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pi0fq/a_female_gorilla_is_alone_in_a_cage_at_the_zoo/
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My collection of cemetery jokes

Say them as fast as possible whenever passing a cemetery.
How many people are dead in the cemetery?
All of them.
Why is the cemetery so popular?
People are dying to get in it.
Why is the cemetery so loud?
All the coffin.
Take them with you, share them, enjoy them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6phze9/my_collection_of_cemetery_jokes/
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Why are Jedi so bad at rugby?

Because there is no try.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6phy15/why_are_jedi_so_bad_at_rugby/
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Safe Flying

A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor, and a Buddhist monk decided to book a flight to Nepal. The priest and the pastor boarded flight 3392, but the monk's seat was given to another passenger by mistake. The monk wasn't the least bit upset. He simply went to the ticket counter and traded his boarding pass for a different one on flight 4367. Both planes readied for flight and took off. As they were crossing the mountains, flight 3392 crashed into the side of mount everest. Everyone on board was instantly killed. The priest and pastor found themselves standing at the pearly gates, and St. Peter was in front of them.
&nbsp;
"Welcome brothers!" He said, "after your life of servitude, i'm pleased to welcome you to heaven. But there are only two of you here - there was supposed to be a third coming in to heaven today. Do you know where the monk is?"
&nbsp;
"Yes," the priest replied, "I believe the monk moved on to a higher plane."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6phxk5/safe_flying/
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Two beggars are sitting in front of a Church in Rome..

One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6phwt0/two_beggars_are_sitting_in_front_of_a_church_in/
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[LONG] A zebra dies and goes to heaven...

A zebra dies and goes to heaven. When he reaches the pearly gates, St. Peter welcomes him inside and shows him around. There was everything there that could make a zebra happy for eternity. Lush green grass, crystal clear waters, rolling pastures as far as the eye could see, and plenty of lady zebras too!
At the end of the tour St. Peter noticed that the zebra looked troubled. St. Peter asked the zebra what was troubling him? The zebra said to St. Peter, "All my life I have been troubled by a single question. Now that I have died I don't want to go through eternity without an answer. Being a zebra it is hard to tell, but am I a black zebra with white stripes or a white zebra with black stripes?"
St. Peter thought for a moment and told the zebra, "It would be best for you to ask God. After all, he made you."
So, that is exactly what the zebra did. He went to God and asked, "God. This place is amazing and is more beautiful than any place on earth, but I am troubled. All my life I have wanted to know, am I a black zebra with white stripes or a white zebra with black stripes?"
God replies, "You are what you are!"
The zebra politely thanked God and walked away.
The zebra of course was not satisfied with Gods answer and was confused. He went weeks thinking it over and eventually he went back to God.
"God, I know you have already answered this question once, but I must have an answer I can understand. It is completely consuming my thoughts and I dont want to spend eternity thinking about this. Am I a black zebra with white stripes or a white zebra with black stripes?"
God replied, "You are what you are."
Again, the zebra walks away. This time though he is angry. Why would God deny him peace of mind? He storms up to St. Peter and tells him that God was no help with his question and now he would have to go through eternity in turmoil without an answer.
St. Peter was truly concerned for the zebra and asked, "What did God say?"
So the zebra told him "All he kept saying is, You are what you are."
St. Peter looked at the zebra and says, "Well...there is your answer! You are a white zebra with black stripes!
Now the zebra was very confused. "How do you figure?"
St. Peter explained, "If you were a black zebra with white stripes he would have said, You is what you is."
TL,DR: St. Peter is a racist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6phvn4/long_a_zebra_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel Prize?

He was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pht8d/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_a_nobel_prize/
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Why do sumo wrestlers shave?

Because they dont want to be confused with feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pht31/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave/
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Why to they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6phrd8/why_to_they_call_it_pms/
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Video: Finnish Navy and Yle mistakenly follow Russian nuclear submarine

Whoops. Wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6phpan/video_finnish_navy_and_yle_mistakenly_follow/
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Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

“Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6phlus/shakey_went_to_a_psychiatrist/
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What's it called when a midget has an orgasm?

A shortcoming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6phgav/whats_it_called_when_a_midget_has_an_orgasm/
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I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician

I have a Czech one two, a Czech one two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6phce7/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_is_a_sound_technician/
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A piece of string walks into a bar...(my favorite, wholesome joke)

...and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind around here.", so the string hangs his head and leaves. The next day he tries again, getting the same treatment. Now, Mr. String is getting pretty thirsty so tries again the next day.  The bartender, getting upset, says to the string, "I told you yesterday and the day before that we don't serve string around here, now get out! ". Mr. String goes home, ties himself up, ruffles his hair a bit,  and makes one last attempt at getting that cool drink.  When he girs back and sits down at the bar, the bartender eyes him, his blood beginning to boil, walks over and says, "Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here yesterday, the day before and earlier today?", to which Mr. String replies, "Nope, I'm afraid not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6phbth/a_piece_of_string_walks_into_a_barmy_favorite/
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What's the difference

Between a women's track team and a group of pygmy warriors?
One is a cunning group of runts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6phbsx/whats_the_difference/
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Sex is like pizza

It's all good, just some is better than others

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6phbiz/sex_is_like_pizza/
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Me: Hey baby, you want some great sex...... Her - No.

Me : You came to the right guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6phawc/me_hey_baby_you_want_some_great_sex_her_no/
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What did the evil optician say?

"You'll see. You'll ALL see! Muahahahahaha!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ph16f/what_did_the_evil_optician_say/
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What food makes a woman's sex drive fall to almost nothing?

Wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pgz7u/what_food_makes_a_womans_sex_drive_fall_to_almost/
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What's black and doesn't work?

Decaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pguzo/whats_black_and_doesnt_work/
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I just got fired from my job at the bakery

It's upsetting because I really kneaded the dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pgudk/i_just_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_bakery/
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A man walks into a bar in Iraq

Traveling through the middle east a man walks into a bar. As soon as he sits down, he realizes the entire bar is filled with ISIS soldiers. he nervously orders a drink trying not to draw attention, The head ISIS leader comes over with a knife in his hand.
"You're not from around here are you"? ask the ISIS leader.
"n, no... I'm from America" the man says.
"are you an American soldier?"
"actually... I'm a taxidermist." Says the man.
"What in the world is a taxidermist?" the leader asks him.
"Well... you know.. I mount animals" the man replies.
A big smile comes over the ISIS leaders face..
"He's ok fellas... he's one of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pgooe/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_in_iraq/
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Old man gets a shave at the barber

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pgl0j/old_man_gets_a_shave_at_the_barber/
%
I said my dream was to become a comedian...

Everyone just laughed at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pghp6/i_said_my_dream_was_to_become_a_comedian/
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I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.

It's just something I could really see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pghau/i_think_i_want_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
%
A vegetable joke:

One day, Mr. Lettuce and Ms. Kale got into a fight over who wears green better. Ms. Kale looks at Mr. Lettuce and says, "I will kale you" and Mr. Lettuce says, "Lettuce fight"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pgfau/a_vegetable_joke/
%
I keep on taking kitchen utensils from my parents

My friends say I'll be in prison if I'm caught, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pgesy/i_keep_on_taking_kitchen_utensils_from_my_parents/
%
How do you find the blind guy at the strip club?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pgc9u/how_do_you_find_the_blind_guy_at_the_strip_club/
%
A Chinese businessman is entertaining his guest from England

Each time the Chinese lifts the glass, the says to his English associate: Kan Pei! 干杯 (Cheers)
The Englishman is stunned, but he continues eating.
It keeps recurring, each time the Chinese wants to drink, he exclaims: Kan Pei!
Finally, the English puts down his cutlery and says aloud to his Chinese associate: It's alright if you CAN'T PAY! I will! Now, shut up and eat!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pgady/a_chinese_businessman_is_entertaining_his_guest/
%
Hey girl, are you a parked car in July?

Because I want to leave a baby in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pg7n6/hey_girl_are_you_a_parked_car_in_july/
%
A jealous woman, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.

Her: Where are you?
Him: At home hun.
Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?
Him: Sure Hun .
Whirrrrrrrrrr
Him: There you go.
Her: Ok. Talk to you later...
This went on for a few days. She would call him and ask him to run the food processor, which he would do.
One day she called her children and asked : Where is dad?
Kid: No idea. He leaves early in the morning and comes back late in the night.
But he takes the food processor  along wherever he goes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pg6uk/a_jealous_woman_while_on_a_road_trip_with_her/
%
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

Both can smell it but they can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pg664/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_guy/
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What do you get when you combine an overpass and a nuclear reactor?

An overreaction.
.
.
.
.
**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAOHMANHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOOOOOOBOYHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pg2xt/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_an_overpass_and/
%
Three Aliens are discussing the fate of earth.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.
"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!"
"Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all," said the second. "The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses."
Yet a third had another idea. "We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see these them".
The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive.
This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos.
The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front were they were executed in the most horrific way.
They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and haves them in obscene ways and those were executed, the rest enslaved.
They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time.
"What's that one doing," said the first alien. "He isn't shaking his fist list the others."
"It almost looks like he's waving," said the second Alien.
"Let me see," said the third Alien. "Wow! I don't believe it."
"What?" Asked the second Alien.
"It's Dave!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pg01x/three_aliens_are_discussing_the_fate_of_earth/
%
Do you know what do women and nail polish have in common?

they both undress with the help
of alchocol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pfxck/do_you_know_what_do_women_and_nail_polish_have_in/
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If you play Nickelback

If you play a Nickelback song backward you'll hear Satanic messages, Even worse, If you play it forward you'll hear Nickelback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pfw36/if_you_play_nickelback/
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Indian men are statistically the least likely to get laid

No wonder even their parents call them beta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pfnol/indian_men_are_statistically_the_least_likely_to/
%
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.

They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing?“
“What if you have an accident?”
The priests say, “Don’t worry, my son. God is with us.”
The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pfkur/two_priests_were_riding_very_fast_on_a_motorcycle/
%
The store tried to charge me $500 for a Samsung Galaxy knockoff.

I said "This is Huawei robbery!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pfkhb/the_store_tried_to_charge_me_500_for_a_samsung/
%
What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?

One is a display of cunning stunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pfkfj/whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a/
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There are those who know the difference between "latter" and "former," and there are those who do not.

Proud to say I belong to the latter group.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pfk13/there_are_those_who_know_the_difference_between/
%
Back in my day, I used to take $2 to the store and get a couple cartons of milk, a box of eggs and a few bags of lollies..

Can't do that these days though, too many fuckin security cameras

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pfid9/back_in_my_day_i_used_to_take_2_to_the_store_and/
%
Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.
"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag a girl between now and dawn. Winner gets 100 euros."
So they go down to a brothel and each of them gets a girl and a room. The Englishman screws his girl, makes a tally mark on the headboard, then dozes off. He wakes up a bit later, screws her again, makes another tally mark, and dozes off again. An hour later he wakes up, pounds the girl a third time, and passes out, dead to the world.
At dawn the Englisman is awoken by the Spaniard bursting into the room. He sees at the headboard and says, "One hundred and eleven? Damn it, you beat me by three!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pfh3v/sex_competition/
%
Parallel Parking

They say that the worst problem with parallel parking is the witnesses.
But if you are really bad at it, you can eliminate that problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pfgg3/parallel_parking/
%
Lil piggy is sick

A Lil Piggy is sick and goes to see Dr. Pig. "Dr. Pig," he says, "I feel awful!! What do I do?"
Dr. Pig says "Here's what you do: go home and roll around in some salt. I'll check back in with you in a week."
One week later, Dr. Pig goes to see the Lil Piggy. Dr. Pig asks, "So, are you feeling any better?"
"Better?" says Lil Piggy. "I'm cured!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pff75/lil_piggy_is_sick/
%
The penguin joke (my favorite joke)

One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.
The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"
The man Says "yes, they are my pets."
The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."
So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten pengins all wearing sunglasses.
The cop says to the man "I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo."
The man says "I did, today we are going to the beach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pfclj/the_penguin_joke_my_favorite_joke/
%
My Uncle Tommy...

...robbed banks and hired only professionals to be part of his crew. His biggest mistake was in hiring an ex-Nascar driver as his get away man. The fucker kept driving around in circles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pfby5/my_uncle_tommy/
%
Five redditors are walking in the forest...

...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each.
The first one steps forward. "I would like a ten-inch-tall piano player, please". The genie grants him the wish, and he posts joke #385 on r/Jokes and gets a couple upvotes.
The second one asks for a man hanging from a balcony by the fingertips, a man in a refrigerator, and a man coming home from work. The genies grants it, and he posts #9910 on reddit, getting some dozen upvotes.
The third one asks for a meta-joke. The genie gives him a reel joke, and it generates a thousand upvotes.
The fourth one asks for something to get him the top all-time post spot on r/Jokes. The genie gives him two "v"s and an edit. He posts it and drowns in karma.
The fifth and final redditor asks for an original joke that had never been posted on r/Jokes before. The genie groaned: "Are you kidding me? Doesn't exist. Your wish is used up, too. Take a ten-lane highway to Hawaii, a legless parrot, and a talking dog, and go away."
Rather than post jokes 839, 3924, and 936, the fifth redditor decides to post a joke about five redditors in a forest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pfaf3/five_redditors_are_walking_in_the_forest/
%
I made a joke about the plane crash that had no survivors in it to my wife

She got angry at me and called me insensitive.
I told her, "you had to be there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pfac2/i_made_a_joke_about_the_plane_crash_that_had_no/
%
My wife has a low sex drive.

She only gets turned on by midgets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pf9jr/my_wife_has_a_low_sex_drive/
%
I got a vasectomy

I was told it would keep her from getting pregnant, turns out all it does is change the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pf9go/i_got_a_vasectomy/
%
The Paint Job

A man finds job as a road painter and the first week he paints 15km (9.3 miles) of the road  his boss congratulates him for being the best employee. The next week he suddenly changes to 10 km (6.2 miles) his boss doesn't say anything but is a bit worried. The third week he only paints 5km (3.1) so his boss says "alright i've had enough of your incompetence either you explain why you're painting less every week or you can go find another job." The painter then replies "I don't know b0ss but the can of paint is always  further away each time I paint the road and I have to walk back to the can".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pf8zx/the_paint_job/
%
The Three Chinese Tortures...

One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a room to stay in. The manager gives him a room and warns him not to mess around with his daughter or he'll get the *“Three Chinese Tortures.”*
On his way to his room the man sees the manager's daughter. She's very beautiful and he figures he'll endure whatever he has to. So he has his way with the daughter and retires to his room.
The next morning, he wakes to find a rock on his chest. There is a note on it, saying: *“FIRST CHINESE TORTURE: ROCK ON CHEST.”* The man laughs and throws the rock out the window.
Then he sees a sign on the nightstand that says: *''SECOND CHINESE TORTURE: LEFT TESTICLE TIED TO ROCK.”*
Instinctively, he goes flying out the window after the rock, but as he does, he spots a sign on the windowsill that proclaims: *“THIRD CHINESE TORTURE: RIGHT TESTICLE TIED TO BED POST.”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pf63o/the_three_chinese_tortures/
%
Having coffee at night is like fucking a fat chick..

Seem like a good idea but when you done, you are up all night wondering why the hell you did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pf5vy/having_coffee_at_night_is_like_fucking_a_fat_chick/
%
A woman must walk 5 paces behind...

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pf3iq/a_woman_must_walk_5_paces_behind/
%
What has 3 words, 8 letters, is easy to say, and hard to prove?

I'm a zebra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pf2u4/what_has_3_words_8_letters_is_easy_to_say_and/
%
ESPN literally hired a potato for one of its broadcasts

When asked why they responded that they needed a common tater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6peyvc/espn_literally_hired_a_potato_for_one_of_its/
%
A buffalo hunter hired a Native American guide

One day while they were hunting the guide stopped, put his head to the ground and listened, then said "Buffalo Come".
The hunter asked "How can you tell?"
The guide replied, "Ear sticky".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pevod/a_buffalo_hunter_hired_a_native_american_guide/
%
Put all my John Lennon memorabilia on Ebay

Imagine all the paypal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pek8c/put_all_my_john_lennon_memorabilia_on_ebay/
%
Hey girl, are you from Tennessee?

Cause you look like your parents were siblings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pehnc/hey_girl_are_you_from_tennessee/
%
Did you hear about the lesbian who couldn't stop laughing?

Yeah, she couldn't keep a straight face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6peg5s/did_you_hear_about_the_lesbian_who_couldnt_stop/
%
What's the difference between Donald Trump and my passport?

The passport has more foreign policy experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6peeqp/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_my/
%
Mirrors

Skyping for schizophrenics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6peeah/mirrors/
%
Once upon a time there were three kingdoms...

These three kingdoms each bordered the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.
The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6peav0/once_upon_a_time_there_were_three_kingdoms/
%
If I had to rate the solar system

I'd give it one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pe9s8/if_i_had_to_rate_the_solar_system/
%
I was kicked out of a sperm bank.

Apparently only nurses in blood banks do extractions themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pe803/i_was_kicked_out_of_a_sperm_bank/
%
The dinner prayer

At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the family into prayer...
Little Boy: But I dont know how to pray
Dad: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc
Little Boy: "Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pe5at/the_dinner_prayer/
%
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let's go play on our bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pe44z/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Alzheimer's

An older woman was awaiting the results of a medical exam when her doctor informed her of some upsetting news. "I'm afraid you've got stage 4 cancer."
"Oh my god!" she shrieked.
"That's not all. To make matters worse, you have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease." he said.
She took a moment to process the news. After a few moments passed, relieved, she says "Well thank god I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pe36g/alzheimers/
%
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

He got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pe2i2/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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Instead of calling my toilet "the John", I call it "the Jim" from now on...

That way, it sounds better whenever I say: "I go to the Jim every morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pe1vv/instead_of_calling_my_toilet_the_john_i_call_it/
%
I like my men like I like my backpacks

Thick and will hold my stuff.
(Found this on an Amazon review)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pe1hg/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_backpacks/
%
My dog, Minton just ate a shuttlecock

Bad Minton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pe18w/my_dog_minton_just_ate_a_shuttlecock/
%
What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin, get in the Batmobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdyfz/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
%
Poop jokes aren't my favorite type of jokes.

But they're a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdwav/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite_type_of_jokes/
%
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

The blonde doesn't stop sucking after you smack it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdupi/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a/
%
The only idea that flat-earthers fear

is sphere itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdtyd/the_only_idea_that_flatearthers_fear/
%
I like my women how I like my whiskey...

18 years old and full of coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdsb0/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_whiskey/
%
A soldier ran up to a nun

. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdrh9/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
%
Why did the H2 bond with the O?

Didn't mean to, it was an oxidant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdqs1/why_did_the_h2_bond_with_the_o/
%
What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdpdt/whats_the_only_drink_size_they_allow_in_north/
%
If i had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive..

.. they would eventually find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdo3y/if_i_had_1_for_every_girl_that_didnt_find_me/
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Gotta love banks...

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdm5p/gotta_love_banks/
%
My wife is turning 32 soon...

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdlk3/my_wife_is_turning_32_soon/
%
What does gay mean?

asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.
"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdjiz/what_does_gay_mean/
%
A fishing story

The king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
The king replied: "The palace meteorologist assured me there would be no rain. I hold him in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.  If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
The practice is unbroken to this date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdjht/a_fishing_story/
%
I spent the night looking for the sun.

Then it just dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdg8t/i_spent_the_night_looking_for_the_sun/
%
What's Irish and lives in your backyard?

Patty O'Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pdfuk/whats_irish_and_lives_in_your_backyard/
%
A Blonde Joke

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"
The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pd5dl/a_blonde_joke/
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Two Tennessee rednecks are sitting at a bar.

Two Tennessee rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking, when Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says
"You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I'm going to go to the community college and sign up for some classes!"
Jim Bob thinks its a good idea and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Maths, English, Science, and Logic.
"Logic?" Says Bubba, "What's that?"
The Dean says "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah" Bubba replies
"Because you own a weedeater, I'd logically think that you have a yard."
"Correct again!"
"And because you have a yard, I'd think that you have a house."
"Thats right, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, you probably have a family."
"Yes, thats right."
"And because you have a family, you probably have a wife."
"Yes."
"And because you have a wife, logic tells me that you are probably a heterosexual."
"Wow! It's amazing that you found out all of that just because I have a weedeater!"
Excited to take the class, Bubba returns to the bar, where Jim Bob is drinking.
He tells him that he was signed up to four classes: Maths, English, Science, and Logic.
"Logic?" Says Jim Bob, "Whats that?"
"I'll show you." Replies Bubba, "Do you own a weedeater?"
"No." Jim Bob answers.
"Well then you're fucking gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pcxgb/two_tennessee_rednecks_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
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The longer I'm married the more like a porn star my wife becomes.

I can look, but I can't touch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pcw66/the_longer_im_married_the_more_like_a_porn_star/
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I found out yesterday I had a scat fetish...

Had no idea I was into kinky shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pcvp6/i_found_out_yesterday_i_had_a_scat_fetish/
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Slow down love

2 pilots are about to touchdown at the Melbourne Airport.
They start talking about what they are going to do after they land not knowing that they left the microphone on for everyone to hear.
one of them says im gonna have a beer, take a shit and bang one of the hot flight attendants at the back. the flight attendant runs to front to tell him to turn of the microphone as she trips over an old ladies handbag. the old lady bends over and says...
slow down love he has to take a shit first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pcvac/slow_down_love/
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It is an unspoken rule that if a little kid is hiding under a blanket or couch cushions, you are required to comment on how lumpy the blanket is and pretend to sit on it to try and "smooth it out.".....

Screw that, enjoy the peace, leave them there as long as possible. Just get a staple gun and staple the blanket down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pcu9t/it_is_an_unspoken_rule_that_if_a_little_kid_is/
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Why does One do everything on monday?

Because tomorrow is Two's day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pctf0/why_does_one_do_everything_on_monday/
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I once picked up a book to solve insomnia. It was a pretty heavy read.

So I pulled an all nighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pcqi2/i_once_picked_up_a_book_to_solve_insomnia_it_was/
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Hitler gets out of his morning shower and decides to check on his camps.

He dries his little handlebar and heads straight to Auschwitz to check on the Jews that he has gathered for safe keeping. Upon entering, he notices that none of his precious Jews are anywhere to be found. Hitler decides that they are probably finishing up in their morning shower as well, and goes to check on them. After giving a few courteous knocks on the door with no response, he decides it is safe to invade their privacy to see if they are all alright. But as Hitler enters the private showers, he is greeted by what seems to be over a *thousand* dead bodies of his once so precious Jews. Hitler shrieks and runs straight to the shower keeper to ask him what the hell has happened. The shower keeper responds with a confused look and mutters to Hitler, "...but - but Sir! You ordered the execution this morning right before your morning shower!" Hitler is sickened and shocked, and trying to recall his hungover morning when he realizes --
"I said *'glass of juice'*, not *'gas the Jews'*!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pcptm/hitler_gets_out_of_his_morning_shower_and_decides/
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When we see typos and do nothing

the errorists win

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pckuj/when_we_see_typos_and_do_nothing/
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What do you have if life gives you melons?

Dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pckqh/what_do_you_have_if_life_gives_you_melons/
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When I was really young my mom would try to beat me with a hanger.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pcjsb/when_i_was_really_young_my_mom_would_try_to_beat/
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What do you call an anti-Semitic sea mammal?

Adolfin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pciur/what_do_you_call_an_antisemitic_sea_mammal/
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I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex.

He's a small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pcfh9/i_buy_all_my_guns_from_a_guy_called_trex/
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A little boy is hanging out with his older brother and friends...

And he hears them use the words penis and vagina. So he goes to his mother later and asks, "Mom, what does penis and vagina mean?"
The mother replies, "Oh! Well son, penis is kind of like a hat, and vagina is like a coat."
Later that night, he hears his parents in an argument, calling each other bitch and bastard. The next day, he asks his father, "Dad, what is bitch and bastard?"
"Well son," the father replies, "bitch Is a word like lady, and bastard is like a gentleman."
A few days later, Thanksgiving day comes, and everyone is getting ready. The boy passes by his dad shaving in the bathroom, who cuts himself and exclaimed, "shit!"
So the boy asks, "Dad, what does shit mean?"
And the father simply says, "Oh, that's just the type of shaving cream I use."
The boy then passes by the kitchen, where his mother is carving the turkey, who also cuts herself with the knife saying, "Fuck!"
And again, the boy asks, "Mom, what is fuck?"
"Oh," she says, "That's just the type of way I carve the turkey every year."
Not long after the guests arrive, and they tell the boy to answer the door. He opens it saying, "Hello bitches and bastards, come in and relax while I take your penises and vaginas, right now my dad is in the bathroom scraping the shit off his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pcc7v/a_little_boy_is_hanging_out_with_his_older/
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A rabbi asks a priest how confession works...

He tells him to come and he will show him.
The first man comes in and says "I cheated on my wife". The priest responds with "If you pay $100 God will forgive you".
The second man comes in and says "I cheated on my wife". The priest responds with "If you pay $100 God will forgive you".
The priest says "okay, now it's your turn."
A third man walks in and says "I cheated on my wife", to which to rabbi replies "Give me $400 and you can cheat on her 3 more times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pcbam/a_rabbi_asks_a_priest_how_confession_works/
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My wife came out of her coma and looked at me.

She said, "Your forearms don't look any bigger. You have been *masturbating* while I was comatose, haven't you?"
"Yes," I replied.
She said, "Which hand did you use?"
I said, "Yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pc8xq/my_wife_came_out_of_her_coma_and_looked_at_me/
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What do you use to clean dolphins and whales?

All porpoise cleaner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pc8c8/what_do_you_use_to_clean_dolphins_and_whales/
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A hawk is looking for some 'fun' one day...[NSFW]

And he goes out hunting for anything to sate his itch. Flying high above everything else he looks for anything that he can use and spies himself a dove. Swooping down he grabs the dove and dives into the nearby bushes before having his way with it. After a little while of feathers flying and noises he flies out and takes back to the sky, leaving the dove to hop out of the bushes, ruffle her feathers then proclaim,
"I'm a dove, I'm a dove, and I'm in love!"
The hawk, now having had a small taste, looks for something else to help with his problem. He finally spots himself a beautiful lark on a tree branch, deciding that this will definitely help his problem he swoops down on it. Grabbing hold of it he dives into the bushes with the lark and has his way her. After flying off the lark comes out of the bushes, ruffles her feathers and sings out loudly,
"I'm a lark, I'm a lark, and oh what a spark!" The Hawk is now finding himself still with that itch looks for something more to satisfy him. On a small pond he sees a duck floating around, quacking and floating happily. Knowing this will do the trick and satisfy him he swoops down, grabs hold of the duck and takes off into the nearby bushes. There is a great noise while feathers and leaves fly everywhere, then after a while the hawk flies out and takes off back into the sky. The duck on the other hand shoots out looking very alarmed, feathers missing, broken, or ruffled, before yelling out,
"I'm a drake, I'm a drake, and there's been a terrible mistake!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pc4he/a_hawk_is_looking_for_some_fun_one_daynsfw/
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What should the tenth fast and furious movie be called?

Fast 10: Your Seatbelts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pc2ia/what_should_the_tenth_fast_and_furious_movie_be/
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I hate One Direction fans!

I need to cool my whole room but the damn thing won't blow any other way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pc09x/i_hate_one_direction_fans/
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A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.
“Why not?” asked the man.
“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.
“But I need it really bad,” said the man.
“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.
The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”
The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”
The man said, “No one showed up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbyxc/a_man_went_to_the_doctors_office_to_get_a_double/
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TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbyvr/til_of_a_nine_inch_nails_and_tool_collaboration/
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I just got my new pair of orthopenic shoes.

"Actually, it's *orthopedic*", my doctor said.
"I stand corrected", I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbxob/i_just_got_my_new_pair_of_orthopenic_shoes/
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Engineer searching for a job

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbwgj/engineer_searching_for_a_job/
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What's the difference between a woman and a battery?

A battery has a positive side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbwd7/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a_battery/
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The New Rule for Entry to Heaven

God called Saint Peter to him, and he told him "From this moment onward, to enter heaven, one must have an interesting or otherwise notable death story." Saint Peter was puzzled, but he complied. Saint Peter went down to the Pearly Gates, and when the first person arrived, Saint Peter explained the rules. The man sighed, and begun his explanation.
"You see, Saint Peter, I was a man who lived to support my family. I was a hard worker, and every day I got home tired. And today, I arrived home at my high-rise apartment, and I saw my wife covering her naked body on the bed. And I thought to myself 'how could she do this? I live to support her, so how could she dare cheat on me?' I was furious, and I nearly tore my apartment down looking for whoever she was cheating with. Finally I found him, he was hanging off the edge of our balcony. I started stepping on his fingers, I was so angry. He let go eventually, and he fell down 6 stories to the ground below, but somehow he didn't die! I hardly had any control of myself however, and I was so mad that I just grabbed my refrigerator and threw it off the balcony. But my adrenaline was too high, Saint Peter, and I had a heart attack and died."
Saint Peter decided that this story was more than interesting enough, so he let the man pass into heaven. Saint Peter then explained the rules to the next man, and the man told his story.
"You see Saint Peter, I'm a man of fitness, and I really care about my physique. So I was running on my treadmill, up in my 7th floor apartment, and, I don't know, something happened to my treadmill and it started getting faster and faster, and before I was able to pull the emergency stop, I was shot out of my apartment. By some miracle I managed to grab onto the balcony, and then some asshole comes and starts STOMPING on my fingers! Would you believe me Saint Peter?  I was forced to let go of the balcony, but somehow I managed to survive the fall, and then a fucking FRIDGE falls on me!"
Saint Peter was shocked at the coincidence, and let the man pass into heaven. A third man came, and Saint Peter explained to him the rules. The man smiled, and said "Are you ready for this Saint Peter? Ok, so I'm naked, and I'm hiding in a fridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbvg3/the_new_rule_for_entry_to_heaven/
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In Heaven, computers don't need a lot of space.

It's all stored on the cloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbtnc/in_heaven_computers_dont_need_a_lot_of_space/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbtn1/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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$8 Bill

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbot9/8_bill/
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An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.  He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?  Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."  Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"  Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.  Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."  Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."  Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"  Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.  Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"  Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."  Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."  Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbnq4/an_old_geezer_who_had_been_a_retired_farmer_for_a/
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Old couple goes to the doctor's about memory problems.

They say, "We always seem to forget even the most mundane things. It's really starting to interfere with our lives."
The Doctor says, "I know this sounds obvious, but why not try writing things down on a little piece of paper so you remember them?"
They try this for a week and it works perfectly for them. Every time they forget something, they look at the piece of paper and remember it again.
One night they're both lying in bed and the woman turns to her husband and says, "Do you know what I fancy right now? A slice of warm apple pie with a bit of ice cream." The husband gets up to get it for her. She says, "Hang on, don't you need to write it down?" He replies, "What's to forget? Warm apple pie, bit of ice cream." and goes downstairs to get it.
Five minutes later, he returns with a plate of sausages, bacon and scrambled eggs. She takes one look at him and says, " Where's the toast?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbmi2/old_couple_goes_to_the_doctors_about_memory/
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What kind of stories do big boats tell little boats?

Ferry tales

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pblrm/what_kind_of_stories_do_big_boats_tell_little/
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Three women were debating about how wide their pussy is...

The first one said: "When my husband makes sex he puts his penis and his testicles in my pussy." The second lady said: "Wooo when we are in bed my husband puts his hand and his arm in mine." It was the turn of the third woman that pointed to her pussy and said: Jimmy; Jimmy come out, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pblcs/three_women_were_debating_about_how_wide_their/
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What's long, hard and has cum in it?

The Pringles can under my bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbjpo/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
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Two boys knock on a farmer's front door ...

One of the boys says, "Sir, we noticed you have a big field full of honeysuckle and we wondered if we could go get some honey."
The farmer replied, "Well, boys, you're welcome to try but you know you can't get honey from honey suckle, right?"
"Just give us a shot!" they suggested. They returned and had 3 buckets of honey.
The farmer couldn't believe it!
While the boys were going after the honeysuckle they noticed the farmer also had a large field full of buttercups so they asked, "Would you mind if we got some butter from that field?"
The farmer replied, "You boys know you can't get butter from buttercups, right?
"Just give us a shot!"
Low and behold they came back with quite a load of butter and the farmer couldn't believe it.
Later on after lunch, they came back to the farmer's house and said "Sir, we noticed you had some pussywillow over in..."
The farmer cut the boys off and said, "Hold on, boys! Let me get my hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbjih/two_boys_knock_on_a_farmers_front_door/
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A mother and her young son are taking a walk through the countryside,

when the son spots a horse with a huge erection raging between its legs.
"Mommy, what is that thing hanging between the horses legs?" he asks
The mother blushes and avoids the question "Oh, erm... that's nothing"
The boy isn't too pleased with this answer though, and a few days later he happens to be walking past the same field again, but this time he's with his dad. Again, the horse has a ginormous erection.
"Daddy, what's that thing between that horses legs there?" the boy asks again.
"That, my son, is his penis"
"Huh. When I asked Mommy she said it was nothing"
"Yeah, but she's been spoiled"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbfv6/a_mother_and_her_young_son_are_taking_a_walk/
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Doctor: how did you get a black eye?

Me: I was banging my neighbor over the kitchen counter when we heard he front door open.
She said, "that's my husband! Quick try the back door!"
Thinking back I should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbc2m/doctor_how_did_you_get_a_black_eye/
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The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"
So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."
"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"
And turning to Jessica, she says:
"I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pbbya/the_10th_grade_teacher_asks_jessica_what_part_of/
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$100 Bill Tattoo

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis.
Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pb5rj/100_bill_tattoo/
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Mexico, they name him Juan". Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pb4ky/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
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If women ruled the world there would be no wars....

...just a lot of countries that are FINE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pb1zw/if_women_ruled_the_world_there_would_be_no_wars/
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A priest and a rabbi are very good friends, so one day they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim...

Of course they're swimming naked (as one does in a remote lake). All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognize me by my face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pb1uu/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_very_good_friends_so_one/
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TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pb18l/til_that_kim_kardashians_giant_ass_has_its_own/
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Soon...

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6paz9c/soon/
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Two cows walk into a vegan restaurant.

The waiter says, "We don't serve your kind here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pawbo/two_cows_walk_into_a_vegan_restaurant/
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Two young boys go to a store

They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pascu/two_young_boys_go_to_a_store/
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There is a time and place for decaf coffee

Never and in the trash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pal5v/there_is_a_time_and_place_for_decaf_coffee/
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The doctor made a mistake during my blood transfusion. I was told I was a Type-A

But that was a Type-O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pajn9/the_doctor_made_a_mistake_during_my_blood/
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This girl I've been sexting told me she's an undercover cop

That's impressive for an 11 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pahdf/this_girl_ive_been_sexting_told_me_shes_an/
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A man goes to see a doctor.

He says, "I have a terrible lithp. Ever thince I wath a kid, my friendth have teathed me."
"Well, let's see if we can find what's wrong"
The doctor examines the patient, and says "Aha! Here is the problem. You have an enormous penis. It is so enormous that it is stretching your vocal cords, which is why you have you have a lisp. There's nothing I can do."
"There mutht be thomething!"
"Well, theoretically I could remove part of your penis, but of course you don't want -"
"Do it!"
A few weeks later the man is recovering from surgery. He says, "Doctor, I just want to say how pleased I am! Your surgery successfully cured my lisp!" The doctor smiles and nods, and the man continues. "Say, I do have one question. The part you removed ... can I take it home with me?  As a memento of your good work?"
"No, I'm afraid not. I already threw it away. I'm thorry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pah58/a_man_goes_to_see_a_doctor/
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A pirate limps into a bar...

A pirate comes limping into a bar on a peg leg and orders a drink. The bartender asks him how he lost his leg.
"Shark bit me bloody leg off."
A week later, same pirate limps into the bar, this time with a hook where his hand used to be. Bartender says "Boy, you're having a rough time, what happened to your hand?"
"Crocodile bit me bloody hand off."
Another week goes by, here comes the pirate into the bar, now wearing an eyepatch. The bartender asks "What's happened to you now?"
"Seagull done shat in me eye."
Bartender is puzzled. "You can lose an eye from a bird shitting in it?"
"Well... I wasn't used to me hook yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pah3y/a_pirate_limps_into_a_bar/
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How is r/jokes similar to a broken fence?

All you have to do is repost to keep the sheep from leaving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pafh0/how_is_rjokes_similar_to_a_broken_fence/
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Kid vs Barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
Source: Metro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pae53/kid_vs_barber/
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To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket....

You can hide, but you can't run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pa63c/to_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
Birthdays are like my girlfriend

They only come once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pa4kk/birthdays_are_like_my_girlfriend/
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My wife is an English teacher

She always corrects my grammar while having sex. I'll go "suck it good" and she'll reply "it's suck it well!". I'll say "Who's your daddy" and she'll correct "who's your dad".
She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pa36k/my_wife_is_an_english_teacher/
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Never marry a nymphomaniac

Because after a few years, the nympho leaves but the maniac doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6pa182/never_marry_a_nymphomaniac/
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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p9xkg/my_life_completely_changed_after_i_learned_morse/
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Yesterday, a kid happily waved at me.....

I didn't wave back. Welcome to real world, fucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p9t65/yesterday_a_kid_happily_waved_at_me/
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During a Pink Floyd concert I went to toilet and there was a glory hole in one of the cubicles.

"Suck it, then," said the guy on the other side.
I said, "No."
"Why?" he asked, defeated.
I said, "All in all you're just another dick in the wall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p9pke/during_a_pink_floyd_concert_i_went_to_toilet_and/
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One thing a paralyzed person can not do is?

Stand up comedy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p9p6e/one_thing_a_paralyzed_person_can_not_do_is/
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Some of my friends make fun of me for peeing while sitting down.

But most of them just get mad because it's on their couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p9ox2/some_of_my_friends_make_fun_of_me_for_peeing/
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What did Tommy Wiseau say when he tried pegging for the first time?

"You're tearing me apart Lisa!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p9mne/what_did_tommy_wiseau_say_when_he_tried_pegging/
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"What was that loud noise last night?"

"My shoes fell down the stairs."
"Shoes don't make that much noise."
"Well, I was still wearing them..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p9kwh/what_was_that_loud_noise_last_night/
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I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks"
I said "Don't mention it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p9k5b/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
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Atheism and religion are two sides of the same coin

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p9icl/atheism_and_religion_are_two_sides_of_the_same/
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Curiosity killed the...

...white people in horror movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p9guw/curiosity_killed_the/
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Two men with a feather fetish

Two strangers, and Englishman and a Scotsman, are sitting at a bar chatting. They've both had a few drinks, so the conversation gets a bit more personal. It turns out they both have the same strange fetish—tickling a woman's ass with a feather. The Scotsman says, "Aye, ah luv it, but ah can never find anyone teh do it with."
The Englishman says, "Oh it's simple. You simply ask every attractive woman you see, 'Can I tickle your ass with this feather?' and if she is offended, you claim to have said, 'How about the weather?' Works every time."
"That's bloody brilliant!" says the Scotsman. "Ahd love teh try it. Have ye got a feather on ye?"
"Of course. I always keep a feather on hand. Give it a go."
The Scotsman takes the feather and walks up to an attractive woman he's had his eye on across the bar. He nervously approaches her and says, "Can ah stick this feather up yer arse?"
The woman spits her drink out. "What did you say??"
"It's fuckin' rainin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p9dg0/two_men_with_a_feather_fetish/
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The three most well known languages in India are English, Hindi, and...

JavaScript

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p9bwl/the_three_most_well_known_languages_in_india_are/
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What's a suicide bombers favorite place to go?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p984y/whats_a_suicide_bombers_favorite_place_to_go/
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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p97b4/the_national_poetry_contest_had_come_down_to_two/
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Johnny said he doesn't want to go to school anymore.

His mother tried to persuade him to go to school.
"I don't want to," said Johnny, "every kids in school hates me."
"Honey, you have to go," said his mother, "you're the principal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p96vc/johnny_said_he_doesnt_want_to_go_to_school_anymore/
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"Dam fish for sale!

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p95fm/dam_fish_for_sale/
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My girlfriend said to me 'If you could, would you want to know when you died and why?'

I said 'No'
She replied 'Well, I'm going out to buy some steak knives, want anything?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p95af/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_if_you_could_would_you/
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Did you know that fireflies are the smartest insect?

They're the brightest one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p94yq/did_you_know_that_fireflies_are_the_smartest/
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All white fairy story starts with "Once upon a time..."

A black fairy story starts with "Y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p94a5/all_white_fairy_story_starts_with_once_upon_a_time/
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In Soviet Russia there are only two Tv channels.

Channel one is propaganda. Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p93ob/in_soviet_russia_there_are_only_two_tv_channels/
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Jared Fogle Of Subway Started and Ended His Career The Same Way.

Trying to get into smaller pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p914p/jared_fogle_of_subway_started_and_ended_his/
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What do you call a Russian Get-together after 50 years?

A soviet re-union.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p905s/what_do_you_call_a_russian_gettogether_after_50/
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My dad always thought I wasn't man enough to become a fruit farmer...

... I proved him wrong by growing a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p8zr1/my_dad_always_thought_i_wasnt_man_enough_to/
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When I get home, I'm going to rip my wife's bra right off...

The straps are killing me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p8u62/when_i_get_home_im_going_to_rip_my_wifes_bra/
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In-laws

A son would be a son-in law
A mother would be a mother-in law
A brother would be a brother-in law
But your wife, is the law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p8tus/inlaws/
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What's the longest word in the English language?

Smiles. There's a mile between the start and the end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p8jeu/whats_the_longest_word_in_the_english_language/
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A man walks into a park and flashes three old ladies. Two of them have a stroke.

The third one didn't touch it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p8j03/a_man_walks_into_a_park_and_flashes_three_old/
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What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p8elc/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_alcohol_and/
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What did the left buttcheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p87az/what_did_the_left_buttcheek_say_to_the_other/
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A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'....

After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'.
The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him....
Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?.
'Ah' replies the hot dog vendor, 'Change must come from within'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p82tj/a_buddhist_monk_walks_up_to_a_hot_dog_vendor_and/
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What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz?

Plenty of seats on the train ride home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p7y1j/whats_the_best_thing_about_going_to_auschwitz/
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What is a Guillotine ?

A french chopping center.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p7qzj/what_is_a_guillotine/
%
There is a story passed down in China about an emperor from the Ming Dynasty.

It is said that he favored deer above all else. Throughout the region, everyone knew that to kill a deer was the highest offense.
One day, a village awoke to find a dead buck in the yard of one of the villagers. Despite his pleading, the eldest man of the household was publicly killed. A reminder to the people about the seriousness of this offense.
The next morning, one member of each household awoke early to check their yards. But no deer were found. The next morning was the same. Villagers awoke, but there were no deer.
Over the next couple of weeks most of the villagers stopped waking up early. It continued like this, until one day when only one man, Jin, awoke early. As he stepped out into the early sun, he saw in his yard a dead buck. Frightened, Jin lifted it onto a wagon, pulled it across the street, and left it in his neighbors yard.
The village awoke to the cries of the emperors guard. As they rushed out of their homes, they saw the dead deer and knew what it meant. Another villager would be killed.
As the eldest man was dragged from his home, Jin held back a smile. With one action, he had not only saved his own life, but began the time honored tradition of passing the buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p7qcp/there_is_a_story_passed_down_in_china_about_an/
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Yo momma so stupid

when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for fries and a shake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p7q4u/yo_momma_so_stupid/
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Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.

The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p7pn0/three_guys_sit_in_a_bar_complaining_about_their/
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p7p7q/there_was_once_a_young_man_who_in_his_youth/
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I man walks into a bar with a fish.

He then walks to the bar and starts talking to the barman. The man claims that his fish can play the most amazing piano pieces, and could make everyone who listened cry. The barman didn't believe him, so the man asks for a wager. If the fish could play the piano, he would get a free drink. The barman agreed, and the man went over to the piano. He took the fish out, which promptly played the most amazing music. Everyone in the bar went silent, and when the fish had finished most of them were in tears. The man went over to the barman which was amazed! He gave him his free drink, and when he had finished, the man says to the barman that he also has a frog which can sing magnificent songs. He again wagers the barman that if his frog can sing, he can have free drink. He then takes a frog out of his pocket, puts it on a stool, and the frog starts to sing. The song is marvellous, and everyone in the bar again stops and listens to the song. And again, the man walks over to the barman for his drink. But before he can reach the bar, a man approaches him offering to buy the frog for £500. The barman shouts out in horror that he could make millions from the frog, and its worth at least a thousand times that. The man ignores him and sells the frog. He walks over to the bar with his money and starts to drink his drink. The barman-in shock-asks him why he sold the frog for such little money! The man replied "The fish is a ventriloquist".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p7p5w/i_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_fish/
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I just purchased a new iPhone 7 Plus, and my son dropped it, So i’m giving it away.

He’s 8 years old, tall and quite thin. Good with pets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p7lv1/i_just_purchased_a_new_iphone_7_plus_and_my_son/
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I live on the edge.....

Because my ass is to fat to fit on the seat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p7k4a/i_live_on_the_edge/
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How do Billboards talk to each other?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p7hoo/how_do_billboards_talk_to_each_other/
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Headache & Testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried  the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p7h25/headache_testicles/
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I told my mum she was invading my privacy

She told me I came out her privacy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p796i/i_told_my_mum_she_was_invading_my_privacy/
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My girlfriend came home and told me to take off her shirt so I did

Then she told me to take off her skirt so I did. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties so I did. Then she told me to never wear her things again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p7405/my_girlfriend_came_home_and_told_me_to_take_off/
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Is it Male or Female?

FREEZER BAGS : They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS : These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES : Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS : Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their ass.
SPONGES : These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES : Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS : Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..
EGG TIMERS : Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS : Male..... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL : Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male....but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p73vg/is_it_male_or_female/
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I was in a love triangle with my girlfriend and a tool. I told her she had to choose. Me or him.

She chose the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p7344/i_was_in_a_love_triangle_with_my_girlfriend_and_a/
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I forgot how a boomerang works

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p71pg/i_forgot_how_a_boomerang_works/
%
Why can't the blonde call 911?

Because she can't find the '11' button on the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p717n/why_cant_the_blonde_call_911/
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Little Jimmy turned up for school with his cat...

"Jimmy, Why do you have your cat with you?"
Jimmy replied
..."I have brought him here for his own safety"
the teacher said,"What is that supposed to mean?"
Jimmy told her,
"Well, i was getting ready for school when i herd the
milkman talking to my mum and he said "when little Jimmy has gone
to school, i'm going to eat your pussy"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p70nb/little_jimmy_turned_up_for_school_with_his_cat/
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Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p6zca/why_did_i_get_divorced/
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You know why a gun is better than a wife?

You can put a silencer on a gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p6yus/you_know_why_a_gun_is_better_than_a_wife/
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While wandering through the woods....

I came upon a rabbit who said he could jump over the moon. So I shot him. Then I happened upon a deer who said he was faster than the speed of light. So I shot him. Then a bear appeared and said he was in the Russian space program. So I shot him.
Remember, only you can prevent forest liars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p6ta1/while_wandering_through_the_woods/
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What is the most unstable and unpredictable job in the world?

Casts of Game of Thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p6t8i/what_is_the_most_unstable_and_unpredictable_job/
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What do you get when you cross the Russian Mob with the Italian Mafia?

Killed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p6rad/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_russian_mob/
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A dog walks into a bar

The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p6q0g/a_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a good

Joke and a bad joke? The timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p6pl2/whats_the_difference_between_a_good/
%
Worst way to hold a baby?

Hostage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p6lch/worst_way_to_hold_a_baby/
%
Why was the teacher wearing sun-goggles in the class?

Because the students were such a bright bunch of kids!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p6jp9/why_was_the_teacher_wearing_sungoggles_in_the/
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A police officer is doing his patrol when he sees two men arguing.

He goes to approach, when suddenly it gets physical. The first man throws a packet of sodium chloride at the second, and the second responds by throwing a bunch of 9 volts at the first.
The officer arrests them for a salt and battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p6j1i/a_police_officer_is_doing_his_patrol_when_he_sees/
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One foggy night

, a yankee fan was heading north from New York, and a Red Sox fan was driving south from Boston. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head on, mangling both cars.
The yankee fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says "man I'm lucky to be alive!"
Likewise the Red Sox fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate enough to survive
The Red Sox fan walks over to the yankee fan and says "hey man I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals"
The yankee fan thinks for a moment and says "ya know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends! In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck"
The yankee fan then pops open the trunk and removes a full and undamaged bottle of jack Daniels. He says to the Red Sox fan "I think this is another sign we should toast to our newfound friendship". The Red Sox fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, he hands it back to the yankee fan and says "your turn!"
The yankee fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river, and says "nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p6d5e/one_foggy_night/
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Jews are the worst Christians

Except for one. One became the best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p6ce5/jews_are_the_worst_christians/
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REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7

Today is 24/7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p69a3/reminder_if_you_have_promised_your_so_that_you/
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She : Your dick is probably the size of a Tic-Tac.

Me : Well no wonder your moms breath is so fresh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p6989/she_your_dick_is_probably_the_size_of_a_tictac/
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Will you marry me - a marriage proposal. Will, you , marry , me -

A foursome proposal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p691k/will_you_marry_me_a_marriage_proposal_will_you/
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My cows broke out of their pasture, and started grazing in my marijuana field.

The steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p62on/my_cows_broke_out_of_their_pasture_and_started/
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There once was a broke girl

She really wanted to get a tattoo, so she went to a reputable tattoo artist and begged him to do a piece for free.
He refused to do it, so she offered to show him her boobs for payment.
"You'd be willing to show me your boobs for a tattoo?" The tattoo artist said incredulously.
"Yes," said the girl, "Tit for tat, if you will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p601y/there_once_was_a_broke_girl/
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I wish I could speak to dogs...

but it's okay because all I would get is a ruff translation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p5zb6/i_wish_i_could_speak_to_dogs/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a chestnut

Trump never had a chestnut on his face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p5ln8/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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What is the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun only has one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p5fzi/what_is_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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What do you call a french lesbian?

A Faguette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p5ful/what_do_you_call_a_french_lesbian/
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I didn't win the wet t-shirt contest.

Which is bullshit because I ate more t-shirts than anyone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p5fn7/i_didnt_win_the_wet_tshirt_contest/
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Do you know how the blonde broke her arms?

She fell out of the tree while she was raking leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p5eo0/do_you_know_how_the_blonde_broke_her_arms/
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I asked the librarian if she had the new book about short penises....

She said, "It's not in yet".
I replied, "YES, That's The Book!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p5dnq/i_asked_the_librarian_if_she_had_the_new_book/
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My girlfriend broke up with me today. I asked her why, and she said, "Because you're obsessed with The Monkees."

At first I thought she was joking, but then I saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p54oi/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_today_i_asked_her/
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If you're from Virginia, you're a Virginian. If you're from New York, you're a New Yorker. If you're from Texas, you're a Texan.

And if you're from Massachusetts, you're a Democrat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p53s8/if_youre_from_virginia_youre_a_virginian_if_youre/
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I walked up to the barman and asked for a vodka shot.

He said, "Straight?"
I said, "Yeah. So don't get any ideas, pal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p50pi/i_walked_up_to_the_barman_and_asked_for_a_vodka/
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I went bowling with my daughter.

Next time I'll just use a bowling ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p4zxv/i_went_bowling_with_my_daughter/
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What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh..
-id like to mention, for what its worth, that this is an original joke (as stupid as it is), which i thought of independently. I was and am proud of it. If anyone finds it somewhere else please burst my bubble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p4zpc/what_type_of_fuel_do_painters_prefer/
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What goes on in an uptight person's bathroom?

Some serious shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p4w3q/what_goes_on_in_an_uptight_persons_bathroom/
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I asked the librarian if he had any books on harassment.

He said "no" so I asked him 35 more times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p4vak/i_asked_the_librarian_if_he_had_any_books_on/
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How are teenage boys and the enzyme helicase similar?

They both want to unzip your genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p4uyu/how_are_teenage_boys_and_the_enzyme_helicase/
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I poured Root Beer into a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p4qpy/i_poured_root_beer_into_a_square_glass/
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I've got a drinking problem.

Sometimes beer spills out the sides of my mouth when I drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p4qgq/ive_got_a_drinking_problem/
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Fucking in the aisles

A friend of mine worked at Winn Dixie back when smoking in the stores first became illegal.
Guy walks in smoking a cigarette and my friend saw this and said "hey, no smoking in the store!"
Guy said, "why not? You sell cigarettes here"
Friend says, "we sell condoms too but you don't see people fucking in the aisles"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p4qdi/fucking_in_the_aisles/
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"How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?

When the blind start reading your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p4ocb/how_can_you_tell_your_acne_is_really_starting_to/
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Sex is like original content on r/Jokes

A lot of people don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p4d1u/sex_is_like_original_content_on_rjokes/
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There was a snail who took his brand new sports car into the body shop and got a custom paint job.

He asked for racing stripes, flames, lightning bolts…you name it.
But there was one thing about the paint job the body shop owner just couldn’t understand.
The snail wanted a big “S” on the driver’s and passenger’s doors.
When asked about them the snail said:
“When I drive by someone at high speed I want them to say ‘Look at that S-car go.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p4coe/there_was_a_snail_who_took_his_brand_new_sports/
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What do you call a joke about steak?

Well done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p4b2n/what_do_you_call_a_joke_about_steak/
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Did you hear about the blind circumcision doctor?

He got the sac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p4amw/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_circumcision_doctor/
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A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says "I haven't eaten in three days".

She replies "where do you get the self control?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p4a7a/a_homeless_man_goes_up_to_a_woman_in_nyc_and_says/
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A women goes to the Doctor, worried about her husbands temper.

The doctor asks: ""what's the problem"
The women says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason it scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p483o/a_women_goes_to_the_doctor_worried_about_her/
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

FSH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p47js/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
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An old man takes his grandson to the park...

In a small town in Scotland, an old man took his young grandson to the park. They see a large slide, and the man tells his grandson to go slide down it.
"How, Grandpa?" Asked the kid.
The old man, wearing a traditional kilt, was hesitant to demonstrate how to slide. But he looked around and saw that it was a relatively old, deserted area, so he thinks it'll be okay. He climbs up and starts sliding down. Unfortunately, there was a rusty old nail sticking up in the middle of the slide. The old man lets out a loud scream when he goes over it, clearly in pain. Seeing blood, the poor kid nervously asks:
"Are you okay grandpa?"
In a strained voice, he gets the reply:
"I- I think you should call me grandma now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p47hw/an_old_man_takes_his_grandson_to_the_park/
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That priest from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was actually a really inspirational guy.

He touched so many hearts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p44qq/that_priest_from_indiana_jones_and_the_temple_of/
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The cowboy and his horse [long]

A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he killing him.
The Chief comes up to him and asks:
- What do you want for your first wish?
- I want talk to my horse, - replies the cowboy.
The Chief allows him to talk to the horse. The cowboy whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt.
The Chief asks him once again:
- What do you want for your second wish?
- I want to talk to my horse, - once again replies the cowboy.
Again, the cowboy whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later.
The chief comes up to the cowboy and asks:
- So, what do you want for your last third wish?
- I want to talk to my horse, - for the third time replies the cowboy.
He grabs the horse by the ears and yells @ it:
- You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE not PUSSY!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p42mb/the_cowboy_and_his_horse_long/
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I wasn't sure about gluing a propeller to my face

but now I'm a big fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p42gv/i_wasnt_sure_about_gluing_a_propeller_to_my_face/
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Sean Bean is walking down the street

Heard you guys like long OC.
&nbsp;
Sean Bean is walking down the street, enjoying his Sunday night. Suddenly, a black paneled van pulls up next to him. Four massive dudes in ski masks wearing all black leap out and try to grab him. Sean remembers his GoT training and manages to take one of them out, but the other three quickly overpower him. He feels a prick in his neck. The world goes dark.
He awakens in a room reminiscent of Saw. Harsh fluorescent lighting illuminates cold, sterile subway tile. The center of the floor holds a filthy, possibly clogged drain, contrasting with the rest of the room. His arms are held by chains that disappear into the ceiling, and his seated form is further constrained by a metal bar across his waist. The bar runs through a pair of loops and is secured by a pair of padlocks. It's clear he's not going anywhere.
It's at this time the knockout drugs relent a little more. He realizes he's not alone in the room. In an identical situation, on the other side of the room, sits the one and only Barbara Bush, former First Lady of the United States. She looks worse for wear, but a sad smile crosses her face when she sees Sean come around.
"Yes, you're not the only one they've grabbed. No, I have no idea who they are. No, I have no idea where we are. And no, I very much doubt help is coming. They took out my Secret Service agents instantly. They knew exactly what they were doing." She hangs her head. "Poor Robert. He watched me for twenty years. His family..."
"What do they want?" Bean breaks in, if only to refocus the First Lady from her sorrow.
"I don't know that either. I just heard a snippet that they serve customers with very exclusive tastes, whatever that means."
They lapsed into silence for several minutes.
The door burst open. An impressively tall man, dressed all in black, stepped through. His face was hidden in darkness within a cowl. He spoke with an impossibly deep voice. "Glad to see both of you have survived our hospitality. We wouldn't want our clients to be disappointed."
"What do you want with us?" Sean demanded.
"Oh, we have something very special to offer. Our clients have tasted all the delicacies of the world. Every exotic dish, they have sampled and grown bored with. It is our job to discover new, more exciting ways to tickle their palates."
"They're going to eat us?" Barbara exclaimed, horrified.
The giant laughed. "Oh, nothing so passe my dear. We merely prepare our proteins in...unique ways." He waved behind him, and a crew hustled in. Barbara struggled, but they easily injected her restrained form, and she slumped, unconscious. Sean received similar treatment, and the world went black again.
He awoke on a stage with excruciating, burning pain in his abdomen. The glaring white lights didn't prevent him from seeing the former First Lady was to his left, also on the stage. Her abdomen was similarly distended. He felt rather than saw hundreds of eyes on him, out in the dark theater. Finally, he realized someone was speaking at a podium to his right. It was the giant.
"...and you know how this works. Our bidding on the First Lady begins at $500,000."
It quickly rose past $600,000, eventually settling on an even million dollars. When the gavel came down, a chef sliced open the distended stomach of the woman and extracted a perfectly cooked Cornish game hen. With a flourish, he served it to the winning bidder.
A surgeon quickly sewed her up and wheeled her off the stage.
Sean now knew it was his turn. The bidding began in earnest, and he was surprised when it raced past a million. Then $1.5 million, then $1.75 million, before finally settling on $2 million. Despite all the torture, despite his horrifying situation, a tiny piece of his actor's ego was pleased. The chef again approached with his razor-sharp knife. He sliced open the actor and pulled out one perfectly cooked Cornish game hen.
Before the pain and blood loss could make him pass out again, he had to ask. He could not stop the question from passing his lips.
"Auctioneer! Why? Why $2 million for me and $1 million for her?"
"Sean, don't you know? A bird in the Hand is worth two in the Bush."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p3z2e/sean_bean_is_walking_down_the_street/
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What do you call people who are into having sex while hypnotized?

Trancesexuals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p3qq5/what_do_you_call_people_who_are_into_having_sex/
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Mr. Wankbreak.

A man is driving along at great speed, and gets pulled over by a police officer, who approaches his window, and the conversation was as follows
'You were speeding sir, would you have your license on you'
'Sorry, I havent'
'What's your name'
'George wankbreak'
'I'm not joking sir, I'll ask you again'
'George wankbreak, I'm telling you'
'I'm getting tired of this, is this your car?'
'No, it's my company's'
'What's the company name, sir?'
'Bob's ball bearings and bits'
'Give over, I've had enough of this, give me the telephone number'
Our esteemed Mr wankbreak does indeed give him the number, and the police officer telephones the company and reaches the switchboard.
'Hello bob's ball bearings and bits'
'Hello, do you have a wankbreak there?'
'Fuck off pal we ain't even got time for a tea break here!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p3q4f/mr_wankbreak/
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What's the difference between a Jew and a Stoner?

One enjoys being baked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p3ptr/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_stoner/
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I'm reading a book about Swedish automotive history.

It's a real Saab story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p3ofc/im_reading_a_book_about_swedish_automotive_history/
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You go to prison as a tight end

and leave as a wide receiver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p3gpt/you_go_to_prison_as_a_tight_end/
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A woman goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce sticking out the top of her underwear

The doctor says "that looks nasty", the woman replies "that's just the tip of the iceberg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p3gg1/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctors_with_a_piece_of/
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Match the middle eastern country to its sworn enemy...

- Bahrain
- Lebanon
- Qatar
- United Arab Emirates
- Egypt
- Syria
- Jordan
- Iran
- Iraq
- Saudi Arabia
- Algeria
- Morocco
- Yemen
- Oman
- Kuwait
1. Israel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p3f2y/match_the_middle_eastern_country_to_its_sworn/
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A man desperately needs a restroom

A man out for a night in town gets a sudden, desperate urge to take a dump. He walks to the bathroom but it's full. He runs over to the bartender and desperately questions if there is some sort of special employee restroom he can use.
"Sure. Go upstairs. Take a left."
The man rushes upstairs and finds the bathroom. There's a small room on the left with a worn out, old toilet. He rushes to the door, but it's locked!
Unable to take it anymore, the man runs over to the corner where he sees a bucket, near to which is a large hole in the floor, and relieves himself there.
He's on the bucket for a solid thirty minutes. As he gets up, he dumps the bucket into the hole to cover his tracks.
Satisfied, he makes his way downstairs to discover, to his shock, that everyone is fleeing the bar, chunks of smelly brown stuff had been flung everywhere. The bartender has taken cover behind a counter.
"What the hell happened here?!" The man asks."
The bartender quips back: "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p37sb/a_man_desperately_needs_a_restroom/
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Wife asked me, "Why do you browse Reddit on the toilet?"

For shits and giggles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p3534/wife_asked_me_why_do_you_browse_reddit_on_the/
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Being dyslexic hasn't stopped me from having a positive outlook on life..

Because when life gives you melons, make melonade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p322o/being_dyslexic_hasnt_stopped_me_from_having_a/
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A skeleton walked into a bar

and asked for a beer.
And a mop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p30sq/a_skeleton_walked_into_a_bar/
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A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p2v5h/a_psychiatrist_finds_a_man_lying_by_the_road_who/
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Thomas is 38 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p2jz9/thomas_is_38_years_old_and_he_is_still_single/
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Due to the recession and to save on energy costs,

the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p2j0f/due_to_the_recession_and_to_save_on_energy_costs/
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Why do gays make bad decisions?

Because they're never thinking straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p2hup/why_do_gays_make_bad_decisions/
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Why can't Priests win races?

They're always coming in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p2cva/why_cant_priests_win_races/
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A man walks into a bar.

He sits down and says, "three fingers of scotch, please." So the bartender pours him his drink and sets it down in front of him.
Just as the guy reaches for it, though, a monkey leaps out of the shadows, dips its balls in the drink, and disappears just as quickly as it came.
"What the hell was that?" exclaims the man. The bartender, equally shocked, apologizes profusely and pours another drink.
However, just before the man can drink his drink, the monkey once again leaps out of nowhere, dips its balls in the drink, and scampers off.
The bartender, embarrassed and contrite, pours yet another drink, but to no avail. The ball-dipping monkey strikes again.
Finally, exasperated, the man looks over at the pianist sitting in the corner, absorbed in his music. "Excuse me," the man says, "do you know why the monkey keeps dipping its balls in my scotch?"
The pianist thinks for a minute and then says, "I don't think so... can you hum it or something?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p2cg3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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...And Jesus said to Peter, "Come fourth, and you shall receive eternal glory!"

But Peter came fifth, and had to eat the biscuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p253t/and_jesus_said_to_peter_come_fourth_and_you_shall/
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Why do the Politsiya (Russian federal agency) always go around in groups of three?

One can read, one can write, and one keeps an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p22tf/why_do_the_politsiya_russian_federal_agency/
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It was such an emotional wedding...

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p22q1/it_was_such_an_emotional_wedding/
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What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Charles?

Killed in an automobile accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p22j6/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_queen_and/
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I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig

It's not a very good poem, but it is very deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p22ct/i_dig_you_dig_we_dig_she_dig_he_dig_they_dig/
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Karma

A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.
"What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man said.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!"
"Oh!"
They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.
"What was that for?" the Jewish man asked.
"That was for the Titanic!"
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p21ss/karma/
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There are two fish in a tank

One fish says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1z6t/there_are_two_fish_in_a_tank/
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I bet Billy Mays is up in heaven

and if he is, I hope he's partying like it's $19.99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1yky/i_bet_billy_mays_is_up_in_heaven/
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What do the Trump administration and Africa have in common?

People keep drowning in Denial River.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1x7z/what_do_the_trump_administration_and_africa_have/
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What do you call a guy with a rug on his head?

Matt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1x7r/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rug_on_his_head/
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Orange Dick

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.
The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I don't come into contact with any strange chemicals.
I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."
The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"
The man says "Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1wup/orange_dick/
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If your ever feeling like you can't achieve something, just remember...

Today, Amy Winehouse is six years clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1qss/if_your_ever_feeling_like_you_cant_achieve/
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So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1q3s/so_jesus_is_going_over_the_bill_for_the_last/
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The pimp and his new prostitute.

"Hey girl, you ever been pulled by the fuzz?"
"No, but I've been swung by the tits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1p0c/the_pimp_and_his_new_prostitute/
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I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She whispered: "They're right behind you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1lih/i_asked_the_librarian_if_the_library_had_any/
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Three guys go on a skiing trip together.

When they get to the ski lodge there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, "Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job."
The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and says that he's had the same dream, too.
The guy in the middle says, "Wow that's funny, I dreamed I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1l7o/three_guys_go_on_a_skiing_trip_together/
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Fifty bucks

A mother tells her son to go into town to sell their duck for food money, the boy does as she says and goes into the town square. There he meets a young lady on the street corner who tells him "I have a few uses for a duck but I don't have any money, what do you say we go inside and roll in the hay for a trade?" The boy agrees and they go inside to have sex. Afterwards the lady says to the boy "You were pretty good, if you can do it again I'll give you your duck back" the boy once again agrees and they go back inside. After their second time they go back outside and the lady gives the boy his duck back, but as she hands it over it flies out of her hand and into traffic where a car hits it. The driver runs out and over to the boy apologizing profusely and offers the boy $50 for the loss of his duck. The boy goes back home and his mother asks him how he did, the boy says "Well I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and fifty bucks for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1ix1/fifty_bucks/
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Blind man in a motorboat accident.

I once saw a Blind man and asked him how he went blind. He said "I lost my eyes in a motorboating accident. She didn't tell me that they were pierced."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1i9x/blind_man_in_a_motorboat_accident/
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What do you get when you divide 355 jack o'lanterns by 113 jack o'lanterns?

Pumpkin Pi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1gy8/what_do_you_get_when_you_divide_355_jack/
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The past, present, and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1gqp/the_past_present_and_future_walked_into_a_bar/
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President Trump and ex-President Obama go to the Barbershop...

They each enter the establishment, and take their seats with different barbers. Neither says a word, and even the barbers dare not speak, fearing that any conversation would soon turn political.
At the end of the service, as each man got ready to leave, Trump's barber offers him the aft**e**rshave.
Trump is quick to stop him: "No thanks, buddy. My wife will smell it and think I've been at a whorehouse".
Obama's barber turns to him and offers the same.
Obama replies: "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1asy/president_trump_and_expresident_obama_go_to_the/
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Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer...

"Would there be anything else?" asks the bartender.
Descartes says, "I think not", and disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1aku/descartes_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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A pirate walks into a bar.....

with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants.
The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants."
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It''s driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p1akd/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are too large

She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p17k9/a_woman_goes_to_her_doctor_and_says_she_wants_an/
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A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle

, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.
The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and everyone got in line to get some well-deserved food.
The civilian decided he was going to have some juice, but so did everyone else. He ended up waiting a whole hour just to get his juice from the juice table.
When he finally got to the table, he told the crewman running the table "What the hell? You had me wait a whole hour just for some juice! The party is practically over by now!"
The crewman responded "Sorry, bud. The punchlines are never that great on this sub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p15me/a_military_crew_in_a_submarine_just_won_a_major/
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What do you get when you put guacamole on a BLT?

An LGBT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p14ex/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_guacamole_on_a_blt/
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I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p126u/i_got_inside_a_vacuum_chamber_once/
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I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p11ih/i_had_to_quit_my_vegetarian_diet/
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My dad always used to say " fight fire with fire"

That's probably why he got kicked out the fire brigade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p11eb/my_dad_always_used_to_say_fight_fire_with_fire/
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My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p10y7/my_doctor_recommended_to_eat_at_burgerking_more/
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I burned my Hawaiian pizza today

Should've cooked it on aloha temperature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p108y/i_burned_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
%
How does Harry Potter go down the hill?

By walking!
JK!
Rowling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0y67/how_does_harry_potter_go_down_the_hill/
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You know the animal that kills the most people in the world?

The Hepatitis Bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0w1m/you_know_the_animal_that_kills_the_most_people_in/
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What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0utu/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_came_out_of_the/
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What do you call a surgeon that only has sex with midgets?

Doctor Doolittle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0tpn/what_do_you_call_a_surgeon_that_only_has_sex_with/
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Between You and I

John had three testicles, and was very conscious about it.
So he went to consult a doctor.
"Dr. Green, I don't know how else to say this, but between you and I, there are 5 balls in the room."
Noticeably surprised, Dr. Green replies "What!? You got none?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0sak/between_you_and_i/
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What do you believe in?

I believe in God
No way!
Yahweh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0rze/what_do_you_believe_in/
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I don't like how people love their fandoms more than their god

Especially Star Wars fans
I find your lack of faith disturbing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0qwq/i_dont_like_how_people_love_their_fandoms_more/
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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.
It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0qa2/one_day_bill_complained_to_his_friend_that_his/
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Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity.
You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer.
"Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0q23/bill_gates_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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My doctor said to cut down on the pizza.

Fucking idiot, that's how I always do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0ozf/my_doctor_said_to_cut_down_on_the_pizza/
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Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women…

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0ofm/renault_and_ford_have_joined_forces_to_create_the/
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What did the pervert say when he was kicked out of the public pool?

"I was only practicing my breast stroke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0mb7/what_did_the_pervert_say_when_he_was_kicked_out/
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What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional?

A dog, duh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0lbw/what_do_you_call_a_sarcastic_canine_medical/
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What's the difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bath?

One's got hope in her soul, the other's got...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0jew/whats_the_difference_between_a_girl_in_church_and/
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Why did the blond girl became the Invisible Woman?

Because she has to be dense enough for light to bend around her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0iys/why_did_the_blond_girl_became_the_invisible_woman/
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People are a lot like phones

We're both touch sensitive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0h7x/people_are_a_lot_like_phones/
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My girlfriend called me a cunt

I said "well you are what you eat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0fpd/my_girlfriend_called_me_a_cunt/
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What do me and Donald Trump have in common?

We'd both date his daughter if she wasn't his daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p0ety/what_do_me_and_donald_trump_have_in_common/
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There are two types of people in this world...

Those who pee in the shower, and those who lie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p09sl/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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What did the sunburnt manatee say?

Man a tee shirt would be nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p07gn/what_did_the_sunburnt_manatee_say/
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Chuck Norris can recite Pi

Backwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p046v/chuck_norris_can_recite_pi/
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So oxygen and potassium went on a date.

It went OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p03jr/so_oxygen_and_potassium_went_on_a_date/
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Three nurses in the morgue...

Three nurses went down to the morgue and found a dead guy lying there with a hard-on. *" It's a shame to waste that!"* exclaimed the first nurse, so she proceeds to ride him. The second nurse didn't hesitate to ride the guy after the first nurse was done, but the third was a bit hesitant because she said she was on her period, but she rode him anyway.
Then suddenly the man sat up alive. This took the nurses by surprise and each of them tried to apologize and said that they thought he was dead. Then the guy says, " I *was* dead, but after a couple of jump-starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fucking great!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6p035q/three_nurses_in_the_morgue/
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I raped someone in an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ozwz7/i_raped_someone_in_an_elevator/
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I asked my wife if she wanted to watch the PGA tour or a porno.

She told me "let's watch the porno, you already know how to play golf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ozvtr/i_asked_my_wife_if_she_wanted_to_watch_the_pga/
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A wife treats hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday...

At The Club. The Doorman Says, 'Hi Jim. How are You?'
The wife asks. 'How does he know you?
Jim says, 'Oh dear. l play football with him.'
Inside the Bartender Says. 'The Usual,
Jim?'
Jim says to Wife. 'Before you say anything. He’s on the Darts Team'
Next a stripper Says, 'Hi Jlm! Do You Crave the Special Again??'
The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps into a taxi...
The Taxi driver Says, 'Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time..."
Jim's Funeral ls on Sunday!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ozrwb/a_wife_treats_hubby_by_taking_him_to_a_strip_club/
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What do Chinese bears fry dumplings in?

A Pan, Duh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ozr7a/what_do_chinese_bears_fry_dumplings_in/
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She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...

At the end it didn't matter, I fucked up the flowers I was going to give her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ozeak/she_loves_me_she_loves_me_not_she_loves_me/
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Why is the right twix bar always more expensive ?

That's cause the left uses government funding to make food cheaper for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ozdsi/why_is_the_right_twix_bar_always_more_expensive/
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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.
W- can you help me in the garden?
H- do i look like a fucking gardener?
W- well can you help with the door?
H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?
Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.
H- see I knew you could do it!
W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.
H- how much you pay him?
W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.
H- I hope you gave him bread.
W- Do I look like a fucking baker?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ozdaw/sex_and_bread/
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How do you unlock a toilet?

A Doo-key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oz9ih/how_do_you_unlock_a_toilet/
%
Why do women love playing Pac-Man?

They can get eaten three times for a quarter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oz83q/why_do_women_love_playing_pacman/
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If I could nominate just one person to NEVER be my bartender, it would be Eminem

He insists 'you only get one shot'.
Like I'm gonna get drunk off of one shot.. pffft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oz5s5/if_i_could_nominate_just_one_person_to_never_be/
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What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear?

White Vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oz52l/what_kind_of_shoes_do_kidnappers_wear/
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This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

It came completely out of the orange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oz117/this_morning_the_doctor_told_me_i_was_colorblind/
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The only constants in life are taxes, death, and...

99c+tax AriZona Iced Tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oyuoz/the_only_constants_in_life_are_taxes_death_and/
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A little boy is crying, because his pet bunny died...

his mother asks: How does it come you are crying much more now than when your grandma died?
little boy:I didnt have to pay for her with my allowance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oytdv/a_little_boy_is_crying_because_his_pet_bunny_died/
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Why can't you trust a large cat?

Because it could be lion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oysmy/why_cant_you_trust_a_large_cat/
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A man wants to join the Big Dick Club...

... And heads down to the club to apply. The receptionist looks at him skeptically and asks him how large his dick is. "18 inches," he replies, proudly. To his surprise, the receptionist begins laughing uncontrollably, and the man leaves in shame.
On the way out, he runs into the janitor, who asks him what's wrong. After he explains, he says to the man not to worry.
"See that lump in my sock?" The man nods. "And I'm just the janitor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oyrmx/a_man_wants_to_join_the_big_dick_club/
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What does 69 taste like to a 69 year old?

Depends...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oyr2h/what_does_69_taste_like_to_a_69_year_old/
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A woman once said she recognized me from the vegetarian club...

But I had never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oypdn/a_woman_once_said_she_recognized_me_from_the/
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I was thinking about starting an odorless candle company

But I realized it wouldn't make any scents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oyp7y/i_was_thinking_about_starting_an_odorless_candle/
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An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.
One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe.
For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome.
After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world. Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest.
He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China. Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle. Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike. "My name is Yu! It's an honor to meet you!" the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick.
It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town. However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu. Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too.
The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu's father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider. By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave. Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded.
Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn't have his beloved Chinese maiden.
So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do....
Rick rolled back into town screaming,
"I'm never gonna give Yu up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oynec/an_american_biker_decides_to_travel_the_world/
%
Asked a Scottish man today why they wear those skirts

He replied 'the last guy that called it skirt, got kilt'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oymth/asked_a_scottish_man_today_why_they_wear_those/
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Hitler is in his Bunker

One day, Hitler is in his bunker planning his strategy for the next phase of the war when there is a knock at the door. He says "enter" and Goebbels walks in.
"What is it Goebbels? Can't you see I'm busy?!" asks Hitler, clearly irritated.
"Mein Fuhrer," says Goebbels, "I have news. The Italians joined the war today."
"No problem," replies Hitler, "send a division against them."
"Mein Fuhrer, they are on our side."
"Ah," says Hitler, "then send two divisions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oyjap/hitler_is_in_his_bunker/
%
I remember when I accidentally pooped my pants in Kindergarten

I never forgot that shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oyi2p/i_remember_when_i_accidentally_pooped_my_pants_in/
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What do you call a lumberjack from the middle east?

Osama Bin Loggin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oygxs/what_do_you_call_a_lumberjack_from_the_middle_east/
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A Dying Man's Wish

Lying in bed the old man was seriously ill. Knowing that death would come soon the man called his lawyer.
"I was thinking how you told me I could get a law degree if I had enough money to buy one. How much does it cost again?"
"It's $75,000," replied the lawyer. "But you are dying! Why would you want to have a law degree now?"
"That is none of your concern," replied the dying man. "I want you to get me that law certification!"
Within the week, the sick man had received his law degree. Of course his lawyer quickly came to his side, to make sure the bill would be paid in full.
Within moments the old man began having trouble breathing and was gasping for air. It was clear he would not live much longer.
The lawyer was going nuts not knowing why this man would want a law degree and pay so much for it when he knew the end was near.
"Please, please can't you tell me why you wanted this law degree so desperately before you died?"
&nbsp;
Barely able to speak and on his last dying breath, the old man said,
"One... less... lawyer..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oybry/a_dying_mans_wish/
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Gold and Silver haven't seen each other since Elementary School

They decided to meet up at a bar. Gold walks in and sees his old friend and calls out to him.
"Aay, G."
Silver gets excited and shouts back, "Hey, you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oy7pz/gold_and_silver_havent_seen_each_other_since/
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I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing -

Serves him right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oy75e/ive_got_a_friend_who_has_got_a_butler_whose_left/
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An officer, a lawyer, a priest and three boy scouts are on a plane tumbling from the sky. They only have three parachutes.

The officer says "save the boys they have their whole lives ahead of them!" The lawyer says "fuck the boys I want to live!" The priest says "when do we start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oy6gq/an_officer_a_lawyer_a_priest_and_three_boy_scouts/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oy5hd/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon...

But it never really took off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oy38l/my_grandfather_invented_the_cold_air_balloon/
%
My other grandfather was a peeping tom

he use to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the apartment below. He died recently but I kind of like thinking about him up there somewhere.....looking down on us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oy2ma/my_other_grandfather_was_a_peeping_tom/
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A man with two black eyes walks into a bar

The bartender asks him "How'd you end up with two black eyes?"
The man replies "Well, I was in church and when everyone stood up to pray I noticed the lady in front of me had a massive wedgie. It looked really uncomfortable so I tried doing her a favor and reached over and picked it out for her, but she turned around and backhanded me right in the face giving me a black eye."
"Wow that's a hell of a story" said the bartender. "How about the other one?"
"Well..." the guy said. "I thought I did something wrong so I tucked it back in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oy1g9/a_man_with_two_black_eyes_walks_into_a_bar/
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Some say Thor's dad is a pretty interesting guy

I say he's Odinary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oy0q4/some_say_thors_dad_is_a_pretty_interesting_guy/
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Punny purchases

Went shopping for a cherry and a microphone the other day. Bought a bing, bought a boom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxwi8/punny_purchases/
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My girlfriends birthday is in a week and she said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!"

So I got her nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxviu/my_girlfriends_birthday_is_in_a_week_and_she_said/
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How do you tell the difference between Chinese and Japanese people?

A Geiger counter usually does the trick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxuba/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_chinese/
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Why can't you trust acupuncture specialists?

They'll always stab you in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxtjd/why_cant_you_trust_acupuncture_specialists/
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An old couple is travelling in Israel

The wife incessantly nags her husband through out the trip, until unfortunately she has a heart attack and passes. The coroner tells the husband, "it will cost you $500 to bury her here, or $5000 to take her body back to America." The husband tells the coroner that he will take her body back to America. The coroner, surprised, asks "but sir, why pay so much money when you can have just as beautiful funeral here for so much cheaper??" The man replies, "I heard that 2000 years ago some guy came back alive after being dead for 3 days around here, I don't want to take that chance with her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxsk5/an_old_couple_is_travelling_in_israel/
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I didn't get elected president of the Tree Club this year...

I guess I'm just not poplar enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxq1d/i_didnt_get_elected_president_of_the_tree_club/
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They say I play like a prison guitarist

I'm always behind a few bars, and I can never find the right keys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxoux/they_say_i_play_like_a_prison_guitarist/
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The punchline comes before the question

What's the worst part about time travelling jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxlix/the_punchline_comes_before_the_question/
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Why does the Leaning Tower of Pisa Lean?

Because it's *Italic*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxhrm/why_does_the_leaning_tower_of_pisa_lean/
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How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, as she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxhit/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What's the same about r/jokes and a recycling plant

Recycling plants usually aren't funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxhhq/whats_the_same_about_rjokes_and_a_recycling_plant/
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No matter how kind you are....

German children are Kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxh8f/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
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A very unlucky man with one testicle

There was this very unlucky man who only had one testicle. One day while he was travelling on a plane, the captain makes an announcement and tells that one of the engines of the plane have failed and one person must be thrown off the plane. To pick this person, they write everyone's seat numbers on papers and put them in a bag. And not surprisingly, the number pulled was this unlucky guy's seat. He was like "Ahh, man. I will jump only if you know the answer of the question I will ask". People agree and he asks this question by pointing to one of the other guys in the plane: "How many testicles I and this guy have in total?"
Everyone answers confidently:"Four, of course four."
The unlucky man laughs and pulls down his pants revealing his only testicle.
The guy he pointed also pulls down his pants and he has three testicles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxewy/a_very_unlucky_man_with_one_testicle/
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Why are there regions in England named Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Northumbria?

... because nobody wants to live in a place called Nosex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxe73/why_are_there_regions_in_england_named_wessex/
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Brilliant One-liners

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxd25/brilliant_oneliners/
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What did the terrible fat Magician say to the audience?

I may not know any magic but I do have a few Twix up my sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxc3r/what_did_the_terrible_fat_magician_say_to_the/
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My friend is sculpting a bust of me

I'm getting a little head of myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oxbz0/my_friend_is_sculpting_a_bust_of_me/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar

This bar was a magical genie bar. They talk to the bartender who tells them. "There is a mirror that, if you tell the truth in, grants you your greatest wish. But beware, lying will cause you to disappear forever"
So, the brunette walks up to the mirror and confidently speaks. "I think I am the prettiest one here." And outside is her dream guy standing beside a brand new car.
The redhead sees this, walks up to the mirror and says, "I think I am the smartest one here." She gets a phone call of her dream guy saying he's waiting for her on their new yacht.
The blonde wants this too. She approaches the mirror, takes a deep breath, and speaks. "I think" Nobody has seen her since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ox9bi/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why are there no feminists in Japan?

Because the Japanese hunt whales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ox7hl/why_are_there_no_feminists_in_japan/
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Dentist: open up please

Me: sometimes I get sad and I don't know why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ox5rg/dentist_open_up_please/
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The dangers of easy money [long]

Timothy was always a bright man. He always excelled in his studies, and so naturally when it came time to apply to colleges, he had his pick of the top ones in the nation.
Being able to go anywhere, Timothy chose to go to Harvard. He was accepted into their prelaw department as a social science major. However, Harvard was much more difficult than high school and Timothy was overconfident. It didn't take long before Timothy had flunked out due to laziness.
Downtrodden, Timothy began walking the streets around the college late at night, wondering what to do. He had spent so much money on just that first semester, and now he had no life plans. However, as he turned a corner and walked past an alley, he saw a mysterious door standing in the middle of the alleyway. It stood up on its own, and had a faint glow about it.
Curious, Timothy walked up to it, turned the handle, and opened it. To his amazement, there appeared to be a long hallway on the other side of the door! Timothy walked in, shutting the door behind him. He walked down the hallway and found three doors on the opposite end. Timothy chose the door on the left and opened it.
Inside this room were rows and rows of lit candles, and more importantly, a massive pile of cash at the opposite end of the room. Timothy was apprehensive at first, but he decided to himself "I need the money, and what's the worst that could happen?"  So Timothy walked over and began filling his pockets with the hundred dollar bills laying around.
No sooner had he taken the first bill when candles began falling over, causing the floor to catch fire. Timothy quickly began stuffing as much money as he could into his pockets, his shirt, his pants, even his mouth. The fire quickly grew and Timothy had to sprint for the door. He barely made it out and slammed the door behind him. The fire somehow appeared to be contained by this, so Timothy left with his fortune.
As Timothy left the magical door back into the alleyway, he spotted none other than his best friend and one semester roommate, Mark. They hadn't known each other for long, but there was a certain special chemistry that let them become such strong friends.
"Tim?!", yelled Mark. "What happened to you?! You're loaded with cash but your eyebrows are singed and you look like you've got some first degree burns! And what's with that door?"
"Hey Mark!" replied Timothy. "You may not believe me, but this door takes you to a long hallway with three rooms. There's a lot of money in there free for the taking. Just be careful!"
Mark trusted his friend Timothy, so as Timothy walked away, Mark entered the door. He walked all the way down the hallway until he came upon the three doors. Being an avid marching band member, Mark started with his left foot and thus first came to the left door. He saw an orange glow and felt the handle was hot.
"Hmm," thought Mark, "this must be how Tim got burned. I better try another door."
Mark proceeded to the middle door. Upon entering, he found himself in a long hallway with an aquarium in the ceiling. At the end of the hallway was an open treasure chest filled with diamonds, emeralds, and rubies. Mark excitedly ran over and took out a diamond.
As soon as he did this, he heard a crack in the aquarium ceiling and saw one appear. He thought nothing of it though and took another jewel. This caused another crack to appear. Now scared, Mark hurriedly grabbed as many jewels as he could. This caused the aquarium to begin to shatter. Mark sprinted out as water and fish fell from the ceiling, and he barely made it out and shut the door behind him before the room completely flooded.
With his pockets filled with valuable jewels, Mark left the hallway and went back into the alley. No sooner had he entered the alleyway than he saw his crush, Marlene. Marlene was a one of a kind beauty. Long, flowing, raven hair with piercing green eyes and a smile that sent chills down your spine.
"What are you doing here?" sputtered Mark.
Marlene replied "I like to take walks late at night sometimes. The better question is what are you doing here Mark? And why are you soaking wet?"
Mark pulled out a diamond and explained to her the nature of the magic doorway. Marlene was intrigued to say the least, so she decided to enter.
She walked down the hallway and saw the three doors. She noticed the first door was glowing and felt heat coming from it, so she decided against it. She saw water leaking out from the middle door, and realizing it was likely the reason Mark was wet, also decided against it. Thus, she chose the rightmost door.
Upon entering, she found that she was in a dimly lit room filled with tombstones marked with many names. However, there also was a large sack of gold and platinum bars sitting at the end of the room. Nervously, Marlene walked up and picked up the bag. As soon as she did however, a tombstone sprouted from the ground in front of her, with her name on it!
The floor began to fall away in front of her, prompting her to sprint away with the sack slung over her shoulder. She nearly slipped and fell into the rapidly growing abyss beneath her, but she narrowly escaped and slammed the door shut behind her.
10 years later, each of those three people were in their separate homes. Timothy was in an enormous mansion secluded away in a mountain, when one day his house mysteriously caught fire, killing Timothy.
Mark had a beachside mansion in a gated community. He had long since moved on from Marlene and was happily married and had two adorable children. Sadly, one day there was a tsunami that reached his home. Strangely, nobody was killed in that tsunami other than Mark.
This left Marlene as the last living person who had taken from that home. She had a penthouse suite with multiple stories and her own personal butler and chef. Life was good, to say the least. One day, she heard a booming knock on her door. A knock that was inhumanly loud and strong. She got out of her bed and walked downstairs to check. As she approached the door, a second knock occurred, so strong that the door fell down entirely. On the other side was a floating casket.
The casket began floating towards Marlene. Terrified, she began trying to run away. Not thinking, she ran up to her room and locked the door to her bedroom. The casket simply knocked down that door too, trapping her. Desperate, she started throwing things at it. Pillows, books, her cell phone, anything she could get her hands on.
Finally she opened her nightstand drawer and threw its contents at the casket. Magically, this caused the casket to disappear! Marlene, shaken, called the police.
They promptly arrived and saw the devastation in her apartment. They asked her what happened, and she explained that a floating magic casket had attacked her, then disappear d when she threw her nightstand drawer at it.
One cop mocked her for even suggesting such an occurrence was possible, but the second motioned for the first to be quiet.
"Ma'am," he said, "you were lucky. This nightstand had NyQuil in it, and NyQuil makes the coffin go away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ox13o/the_dangers_of_easy_money_long/
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We don't serve your kind here

A time traveler walks into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ox0mv/we_dont_serve_your_kind_here/
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What's the difference between a Lutheran and a Baptist?

A Lutheran will say "Hi" to you in a liquor store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6owxz4/whats_the_difference_between_a_lutheran_and_a/
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A bear walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and says "can I have ... a beer please?"
The bartender says "why the big pause?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6owvjx/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call short people who work on fans?

Midget spinners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6owts5/what_do_you_call_short_people_who_work_on_fans/
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Ive just spent 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off.

I really shouldn't have put it on in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6owsu7/ive_just_spent_20_minutes_trying_to_get_my/
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Why did the ghost break up with her boyfriend?

He was too possessive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6owo1q/why_did_the_ghost_break_up_with_her_boyfriend/
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What do you call a pessimistic trashcan?

A trashcan't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6owi2x/what_do_you_call_a_pessimistic_trashcan/
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A couple was walking in Moscow in the 1970s

The husband looked up at the sky and said "It looks like it's going to rain. We should probably try to get home." His wife disagreed, and said "I don't think so. I'd like to just keep walking." They continued on their walk for a while, but the husband still thought it was going to rain. So he walked up to a nearby policeman and said. "Excuse me, officer, but would you have the time to help my wife and I settle a little disagreement?" The policeman replied "Of course. Rudolph always has time to help." So they told the policeman about their discussion and Rudolph said that it did look like it was going to rain. Smugly, the husband turned to his wife and said "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6owgwp/a_couple_was_walking_in_moscow_in_the_1970s/
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What's 1024 times smaller than a pterodactyl?

A pgigadactyl!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6owgfl/whats_1024_times_smaller_than_a_pterodactyl/
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So I painted my laptop black.

I thought it would run faster. But now, it doesn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6owfw1/so_i_painted_my_laptop_black/
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Darth Vader is fighting Luke Skywalker...

Darth Vader says to Luke: "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas."
Luke: "How could you possibly know?"
Vader: "I felt your presents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6owdn2/darth_vader_is_fighting_luke_skywalker/
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Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...

I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6owd4c/apparently_the_dad_jokes_never_stop/
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"Say, medic", says a soldier, "why do you always have to say 'I cannot wait'? Is that your battle cry or something?"

"If I could wait, I would not be medic.
I would be patient!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6owb64/say_medic_says_a_soldier_why_do_you_always_have/
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A Limerick

The problem with limericks, my friend;
Is that I can't make it work at the end;
I have a good start;
And get to this part;
But then I'm like "To Hell with this, I don't wanna do this anymore" and the whole thing ends in tragedy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ow9p7/a_limerick/
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What kind of math do pimps use?[OC]

Trickonometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ow8td/what_kind_of_math_do_pimps_useoc/
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I used to be a Flat-Earther until I realized this

The Earth can't be flat because my life keeps on going downhill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ow8jr/i_used_to_be_a_flatearther_until_i_realized_this/
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Three guys are stranded in a desert

By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.
The genie grants each of them one wish.
The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.
The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.
The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ow3n1/three_guys_are_stranded_in_a_desert/
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Why did the coffee burn the hipster?

Because he drank it before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ow1y7/why_did_the_coffee_burn_the_hipster/
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Why was the Jamaican surprised when he saw a bunch of Transformers flying over his house?

'Cause there were robots in de skies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ow0ki/why_was_the_jamaican_surprised_when_he_saw_a/
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One day a little girl was saying her prayers

She prayed "dear lord I pray for mommy and daddy but grandma's gonna die" Now her dad overheard this from the next room and thought it very odd but he went on with his business. Now the next day he got a call that the grandmother had infact died.
He was deeply troubled by this so the next night he listened in on his daughters prayers again. "Dear lord I pray for mommy and daddy but aunt Jenny's gonna die" so the dad called up aunt Jenny but she didn't pick up. Later it was found that she had also died.
The very disturbed dad went to listen to his daughter prayers again "dear lord I pray for mommy but daddy's gonna die" He was now utterly terrified. The next day at work he went about paranoid of everything around him trying to avoid anything that could possibly be harmful.
The exhausted dad gets home and tells his wife "oh honey I had the worst day"
She replies "you think you had a bad day, today the mailman dropped dead in the living room"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ovwqz/one_day_a_little_girl_was_saying_her_prayers/
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I added Paul Walker as a friend on Xbox live

But all he ever does is hangout on the dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ovv0r/i_added_paul_walker_as_a_friend_on_xbox_live/
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You guys want to hear another political joke?

Neither do I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ovuob/you_guys_want_to_hear_another_political_joke/
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Her: "Darling, can I go out in this dress?"

Me: "Yeah honey, it's already dark outside"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ovrkj/her_darling_can_i_go_out_in_this_dress/
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Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ovotk/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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A man really hated his wife's cat...

A man really hated his wife's cat.  One day, unbeknownst to his wife, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go.  When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.
Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again.  Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.
Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.
Several hours later the man's wife was at home when the phone rang.  She picked up and it was her husband.
"Is the cat there?"  He asked.
"Yes..." she replied.
"Well put him on the phone, I'm lost"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ovneb/a_man_really_hated_his_wifes_cat/
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Wanna hear a joke that can't be true?

An Irish man walks out of a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ovjn0/wanna_hear_a_joke_that_cant_be_true/
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Why couldn't Bach pay for his rent?

Because he was a Baroque composer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ovhdu/why_couldnt_bach_pay_for_his_rent/
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At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an eight inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oveg2/at_age_13_little_johnny_was_blessed_with_an_eight/
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What do you get when you spell man backwards?

Flashbacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ove10/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
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Subtlety is my middle name

And my first and last name too, in case they miss my point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ovb9q/subtlety_is_my_middle_name/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put the wrong sock on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ovaco/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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What do you call an angry German?

Sour Kraut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ov8rj/what_do_you_call_an_angry_german/
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I know every single digit of pi!

Just not in the right order

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ov4dg/i_know_every_single_digit_of_pi/
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one.
But it takes a very long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ov3yj/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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The Blue Banana (warning, very long)

Ever since he was a little boy Little Timmy dreamed of one day being a train conductor. As he grew up, he took all the train-related electives and participated in all the train-related extracurriculars. He got into the best train conductor school in the world and proceeded to graduate top of his class. He was ecstatic to accept a position driving the biggest freight trains across the American countryside. He was living the life.
Then one day, Timmy saw a few hobos passed out on the tracks. Timmy thought to himself, "Man, I sure do hate hobos." So he cranks that train up as fast as it will go, a full 100mph with the weight of 3 miles of fully loaded freight cars behind him, and slams into the hobos, splattering them into dust.
Timmy is found guilty of murder and is sentenced to death. For his last meal, he requests a blue banana. At this time of year, the only place the blue banana grows is at the top of Mount Everest. To honor Timmy's last meal request, they put together an expedition to get the blue banana.
When the expedition reaches the top, they see a small bush with a single blue banana hanging from a branch. Expedition leader Bill reaches out to pick the banana. As soon as it snaps off the branch, a yeti jumps out from behind a rock and proceeds to slaughter every member of the expedition...except for Bill.
Bill returns with the blue banana and hands it to Timmy. Timmy peels the banana, eats it, and says "I'm ready." Timmy is strapped into the electric chair and the switch is thrown. Nothing happens. The switch is thrown again. Still nothing happens. The switch is thrown a third time. Timmy remains unaffected. Since the electric chair failed and this particular state didn't have another method of execution, they had no choice but to let Timmy walk free.
With murder on his record Timmy is fired from his previous job, but with his other credentials he is able to land a job as the conductor of a small tourist steam train. Things are going pretty well until one day Timmy sees some hippies hanging out on the tracks. Timmy thinks to himself, "Man, I sure do hate hippies." So he cranks that train up as fast as it will go, 40mph with the steam pouring out of the smokestack, and slams into the hippies, sending their bodies flying.
Timmy is again found guilty of murder and again requests a blue banana for his last meal. At this time of year, the blue banana only grows at the bottom of Challenger Deep in the Marianas Trench. Bill once again leads the expedition. Once at the bottom of the ocean, the expedition finds a small bush with a single blue banana floating from a small branch. Bill carefully pilots his submersible to the bush and guides the mechanical arm toward the banana, gripping it gingerly and plucking the banana from the bush. As soon as he does, a Kraken barrels out of the dark and destroys every submersible killing everyone inside...except for Bill's submersible.
Bill returns and hands the banana to Timmy. Timmy peels the banana, eats it, and says "I'm ready." Timmy is once again strapped into the electric chair and the switch is thrown. Nothing happens. The switch is thrown again. Still nothing. The switch is thrown a third time and left on as the executioners go to lunch. When they return and turn it off, they find that Timmy is still alive! With no other method of execution at their disposal, they are once again forced to let Timmy go free.
Now with a second murder conviction on his record, Timmy can't find work anywhere. He eventually decides to open a small kiddie train at the local mall. It's not the life Timmy dreamed for himself, but at least he's still driving a train. Then one day, Timmy sees some hipsters making condescending remarks about everyone at the mall. Timmy thinks to himself, "Man, I sure do hate hipsters." So he cranks that train up as fast as it will go, a whopping 3mph with a couple of scared and screaming kids, and runs over the hipsters' ankles, possibly breaking one or 2.
Timmy is only found guilty of attempted murder this time, but to avoid taking further chances Timmy is sentenced to death anyway. He once again requests a blue banana as his last meal. At this time of year the blue banana only grows in the middle of Siberia. Bill is once again put in charge of the expedition.
This time he takes no chances, bringing along a full battalion of soldiers, tanks, and air support. When the expedition finds the blue banana hanging from a small bush in the middle of a field, a several mile wide perimeter is established with guns and missiles pointed at every possible hostile entry vector. Once satisfied with the security measures, Bill walks up to the bush and carefully picks the banana. As soon as he does, the Siberian traps open up, throwing lava and noxious gas every which way and violently killing the entire battalion. Even Bill is thrown hundreds of miles through the air by the eruption, but by some miracle lands on a massive pile of pillows that were about to be loaded and shipped to Bed, Bath, & Beyond. He manages to escape without a scratch...and with the blue banana still in hand.
Bill returns and hands the blue banana to Timmy. Timmy peels the banana, eats it, and says "I'm ready." Timmy is strapped into the electric chair and the switch is thrown. Nothing happens. The switch is thrown again. Still nothing happens. The switch is thrown a third time and left on overnight. The executioners come back the next morning to find the entire power grid shut down due to the massive amount of electricity expended on Timmy, yet Timmy was still alive! Finally, one of the executioners asks Timmy, "How do you keep surviving the electric chair?!"
Timmy responds, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ov2ky/the_blue_banana_warning_very_long/
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A farmer's three virgin daughters are all going on their first date...

Farmer brown loves his daughters dearly, and is fiercely protective of them. So when they all ended up going on their first dates all on the same night, you might say he was a bit angry.
The farmer agreed, but only if he could meet each potential suitor at the door with his shotgun at his side. Of course, he would never be pushed to use it, but showing some rowdy young boys who the boss is, never hurt.
The night comes, the three girls are all dolled up and waiting upstairs. Farmer brown is sitting on the couch, looking into his driveway, shotgun on his knee.
About 15 minutes passes, and a car pulls up. A well-dressed young man gets out and approaches the door. Farmer brown opens it, shotgun just slightly in view past the threshold.
"H-hi...sir, m-my name is Joe. I'm uh...here for Flo, we wanted to go see a sh-show."
Farmer brown looks him up and down, and decides "you know what? You're an alright kid, Joe." He calls Flo down, all giggly and excited, and they head out.
Farmer brown smiles and sits back down for the next guy. Not five minutes later does a rusty truck pull up, out comes a red headed guy in a new set of overalls.
He comes up to the door. This time, farmer Brown has let down his guard, so the shotgun has been left on the table.
"Hello Mr. Brown! My name is Eddie, and I'm here for Betty. We're going to get some spaghetti."
Farmer Brown talks to him for a second before deciding that Eddie is an alright guy too.
Eddie and Betty head off, Farmer Brown is calm now and very proud of his young daughters' taste in men.
About 45 minutes passes, the next guy is running late. Farmer Brown hates being late and hates it even more when other people are.
Around that time, an old, worn out convertible comes sloppily cruising down his driveway, parking crookedly near the cattle pen. A scruffy looking kid stumbles out and hobbles on over. Farmer Brown is annoyed now and decides to put his gun back on his lap.
The guy comes up to the door and knocks. Farmer Brown opens, and the kid starts off:
"Hi, my name is Chuck, and I-
And then farmer Brown shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ouz17/a_farmers_three_virgin_daughters_are_all_going_on/
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Nurse calls a doctor

•Doctor, doctor, come quick, hypochondriac from the room 110 has died.
-God damnit, he really crossed the line this time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ouxey/nurse_calls_a_doctor/
%
I gave away all my dead batteries today..

free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ouwu5/i_gave_away_all_my_dead_batteries_today/
%
Did you hear that OJ Simpson wants to try marriage again?

He says he wants to take another stab at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ouv9q/did_you_hear_that_oj_simpson_wants_to_try/
%
My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically.

He was mauled by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ouuwt/my_friend_whos_star_sign_was_cancer_died_very/
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I'm always doing dad jokes with the kids.

My favourite is:
"Hi, going to call childline, I'm dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ouuov/im_always_doing_dad_jokes_with_the_kids/
%
The Lone Ranger is out checking out the countryside on Silver one day when he gets ambushed by an Indian war party...

He wakes up to find himself tied up in a tepee.
He looks around and sees the Indian chief and a bunch of others.
The chief says to him, "Lone Ranger! At last I have you! I am going to sacrifice you to the gods in three days at our festival. I am, however, a fair man, and I will grant you three wishes, one for each day. What is your first wish?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The chief sends a warrior to fetch Silver, and the Lone Ranger whisper's in silver's ear.
Silver takes off, and doesn't return until later that evening, with a beautiful blond on his back.
The blond goes into the tepee with the Lone Ranger and spends the night.
The next morning, the chief comes back in, and says "Lone Ranger! That's quite the horse you have! What's your second wish?"
Lone Ranger says, I'd like to speak to my horse again."
Chief sends for the horse, and the Lone Ranger whispers in his ear again.
Silver takes off, comes back that evening with a brunette, even more beautiful than the blond.
She also spends the night.
Chief comes in the next morning and says "Lone Ranger! I can't wait to have your horse, but fair is fair. What's your last wish?"
Lone Ranger says "I'd like to speak to my horse again, ALONE!"
Chief thinks, What can it hurt? A redhead?
He brings in the horse and everyone leaves.
Lone Ranger grabs Silver by the ears, looks him square in the eyes and says "Now Silver, listen to me! I need a posse. P.O.S.S.E.!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ouudr/the_lone_ranger_is_out_checking_out_the/
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[NSFW] Is it weird to think your 15 year old cousin is cute?

I just noticed while blowing him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ouu21/nsfw_is_it_weird_to_think_your_15_year_old_cousin/
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A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ourzo/a_mormon_and_an_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
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There is going to be a battle royal between religious leaders

I would put $20 on the Dalai Lama if I were a Tibetan man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6our7m/there_is_going_to_be_a_battle_royal_between/
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A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She’s gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He’s gone. "OK, you’re up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oupsk/a_sales_rep_an_administration_clerk_and_the/
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I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ouov7/i_dont_understand_why_obama_has_to_give_his/
%
Donald Trump calls Angela Merkel

"Angela", he said, "you need to help me! The biggest condom-factory in the US burnt down last night. We really need 1,000,000 condoms! Could you help us?"
"Sure", Angela said, "shouldn't be that much of a problem."
"The condoms must have the national colors of America. Red, blue and white. They must be 11 inches long and 3 inches wide", Trump orders.
Angela: "Okay, das should be doable. I'm on it."
Angela Merkel then calls the head of the biggest condom factory in germany.
"Servus, we need to help the american people! They need 1,000,000 condoms, can you do this?"
"Freilich. Any special wishes?" the manager asks.
Angela: "Yes. They need to be red, blue and white, have to be 11 inches long and 3 inches wide."
Manager: "Sure ding, anything else?"
Merkel said: "Yes. Do me a favor and print "MADE IN GERMANY" on them and put them in boxes with "SMALL" written on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oumk2/donald_trump_calls_angela_merkel/
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Why do CSGO terrorists hate the desert?

Because they don't want de dust 2 get in their eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oukds/why_do_csgo_terrorists_hate_the_desert/
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The most well known person in the world

Some Spanish guy named "Manual"... A copy of his autobiography, printed in multiple languages, comes free with every electronic device or machinery... although much of his life story is lost in translation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ouhno/the_most_well_known_person_in_the_world/
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It's a well-known fact that Hitler...

It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.
One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful for your advice. I'm wondering something though, how come you never told me something that would be important to me  like when will I die?"
The astrologer said "Mein Fuhrer, you never asked."
Hitler says "I'm asking you now, do you know the day I'm going to die?"
The astrologer says "as a matter of fact I do know the day. You're going to die on a Jewish holiday."
Hitler is shocked, "that's a horrible thing - a Jewish holiday! What Jewish holiday am I going to die on?"
The man says. "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ouga7/its_a_wellknown_fact_that_hitler/
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In light of Trump’s increasing volume of golf: What’s the difference between Hitler and Trump?

It only took Hitler one shot to get out of the bunker he ended up in after succumbing to Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oufvp/in_light_of_trumps_increasing_volume_of_golf/
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Donald Trump was asked if he knew any bible verses

He replied, “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Deport him and you don’t have to feed him again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ouee5/donald_trump_was_asked_if_he_knew_any_bible_verses/
%
Jesus once said, "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword…"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ou9av/jesus_once_said_he_who_lives_by_the_sword_will/
%
It's my 20th wedding anniversary today.

Had I just killed the bitch I'd be out of prison by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ou7i0/its_my_20th_wedding_anniversary_today/
%
What if female pirates had boobs made of wood instead of peg legs

It'd be weird wooden tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ou6ml/what_if_female_pirates_had_boobs_made_of_wood/
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There has been a lot of talk that it would be a lot healthier for the church if Priests were allowed to be married.

I feel that if a Priest meets another Priest and they like one another, sure they should be allowed to get married.
.
Credit to the comedian - Dave Allen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ou1rw/there_has_been_a_lot_of_talk_that_it_would_be_a/
%
What do you call a musical equation that a former Vice President composes?

An algorithm
(Credit to my girlfriend)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oty4v/what_do_you_call_a_musical_equation_that_a_former/
%
Scientists have announced that dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels.

So that pushes women down to third place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6otvwf/scientists_have_announced_that_dolphins_are/
%
A prison story.

A terrified man was sentenced to prison and placed in a cell with a rather large inmate. The man's fears became realized as his cellmate wandered over to him in the evening with a longing look in his eyes.
"Hey there, let's play house" said the cellmate.
"Uh... Ok, how do I play?"
"Well, first you have to choose. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?"
Trying to make the best of a bad situation, the man said "Uhh... I'll be the daddy, I guess."
"Sounds good, Daddy. Now get over here and suck Mommy's dick!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6otsyh/a_prison_story/
%
Sleeping patterns

It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6otrqt/sleeping_patterns/
%
My wife says that a small penis shouldn't matter in a loving relationship...

but I still wish she didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6otqj7/my_wife_says_that_a_small_penis_shouldnt_matter/
%
Four women are bragging about there sons

The first one says "mine is a priest and everyone who sees him says oh my father"
The second woman decides to one up the first and says "so what my sons a cardinal and whenever anyone sees him they say oh holy father
The third one says "my sons the pope and anyone who sees him says oh holy one"
The fourth and last woman thinks for a while before saying "my son is 6'8 and weighs 600 pounds and anyone who's ever seen him says oh my god

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6otoa8/four_women_are_bragging_about_there_sons/
%
From my 10 y/o cousin: Why did the chicken double-cross the road?

To get to the other spy...in the CIA. Chicken Intelligence Agency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6otkak/from_my_10_yo_cousin_why_did_the_chicken/
%
Homosexuality is a lot like smokin weed

I'd don't care if you're gay, just don't blow it in my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6otfz6/homosexuality_is_a_lot_like_smokin_weed/
%
The girl that I've just started dating asked me what I look for in a relationship....

Apparently " A way out " was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6otdka/the_girl_that_ive_just_started_dating_asked_me/
%
Why does Obi Wan Kenobi smoke weed?

Cause he is on the high ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6otc6q/why_does_obi_wan_kenobi_smoke_weed/
%
The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act...

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a kick at the bottom if his boot,
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What are you doing down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6otb8t/the_doc_told_a_guy_that_masturbating_before_sex/
%
I'm pretty sure chickens love classical music

All I hear from them is "bach bach bach bach bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ot4e1/im_pretty_sure_chickens_love_classical_music/
%
Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver?

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ot2ij/why_did_the_bartender_only_charge_his_customer/
%
A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.
"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer
"Just sand," said the kid.
The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took a sample to a lab to have it tested, but all signs showed it was pure sand.
Reluctantly, the officer let the kid go.
The next day, the same kid rolled up on his bike to the Mexican border with another sack in his hand.
Again, the officer asked what was in the bag. He searched through the bag and once again had the sack tested of its contents, but it was just sand.
The officer had no choice but to let the kid leave again.
This went on for years. The officer was sure that one day the kid would have something else in the sack, and eventually he drove himself to insanity. He was fired and became a heavy drinker.
One day, he was at the bar when the teenager who had been crossing the border everyday with the sack of sand sat down next to him.
The ex-border patrol officer looked at him and pleaded, "Look. All those times you were crossing the border, I know you were smuggling something! Please just tell me what it was and give me some peace at mind. I don't even work as a cop anymore!"
The kid said,
"Bikes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ot0wh/a_teenager_rolled_up_to_the_mexican_border_on_a/
%
So this guy checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving.

He couldn't quit cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6osydw/so_this_guy_checks_into_rehab_the_day_after/
%
Q. Why shouldn't you hire a midget chef?

A. The steaks are too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oswh8/q_why_shouldnt_you_hire_a_midget_chef/
%
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

It heard the Ref was blowing fouls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oswgm/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_basketball_court/
%
The journalist asked the politician

Journalist: “Your assistant said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you like to comment?
Politician: “Yes, I would. The truth is my assistant has a big mouth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ostyz/the_journalist_asked_the_politician/
%
My girlfriend and I were arguing about who had touched the air conditioner last, because it wouldn't turn on.

Needless to say, things got pretty heated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ostj2/my_girlfriend_and_i_were_arguing_about_who_had/
%
What do you call two crows trying to throw a party?

Attempted murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ost00/what_do_you_call_two_crows_trying_to_throw_a_party/
%
I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

The judge gave me 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6osnmh/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_gave_me_2_months_to/
%
I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I've given up reading completely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6osm4w/i_read_that_heavy_alcohol_consumption_causes/
%
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6osluk/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_to_israel_to_live/
%
I found out that a girl who I thought disliked me actually thinks I'm super cute, like a puppy.

Her exact words were "You little son of a bitch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oslk6/i_found_out_that_a_girl_who_i_thought_disliked_me/
%
What time does a duck wake up?

At the quack of dawn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6osl4l/what_time_does_a_duck_wake_up/
%
Why don't blind people base jump?

It scares the fuck out of the seeing eye dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6osg1d/why_dont_blind_people_base_jump/
%
Have you ever wondered what 15.7 billion USD smelt like?

Elon's Musk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ose3f/have_you_ever_wondered_what_157_billion_usd_smelt/
%
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6osdz7/there_is_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
%
If I had a nickel for every time I got kicked out of a restaurant...

Maybe I wouldn't have to keep stealing the food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6osb7e/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_i_got_kicked_out/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6osa6a/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
What do you call an 85 year old Jewish man that murdered his wife?

Ruthless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6os7yv/what_do_you_call_an_85_year_old_jewish_man_that/
%
What's the difference between Jeff Sessions and a book about Jeff Sessions?

The book has a spine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6os46e/whats_the_difference_between_jeff_sessions_and_a/
%
What is the speed of sex?

68.
Because if you get to 69, you have to turn around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6os3dv/what_is_the_speed_of_sex/
%
There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.
But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.
Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.
Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.
But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.
Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."
Curious, Attila did as he asked.
Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.
"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.
Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.
To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,
"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6os1ul/theres_a_littleknown_legend_about_attila_the_hun/
%
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number. I doubt you've ever heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6orzpz/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Did you hear about the Eye Doctor who changed professions to become a comedian?

He made a spectacle of himself.
.
ok its bad. Apologies in advance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6orzbs/did_you_hear_about_the_eye_doctor_who_changed/
%
What do you call a chinese man in a desert?

A Hallucinasian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6orx5z/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_man_in_a_desert/
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Einstein vs. Mr. Bean

The two were conversing.
Einstein challenged Mr. Bean, stating that if Bean couldn't answer Einstein's question, Bean would have to give him $1 as self-punishment.
Bean could also ask Einstein a question in return, and if the genius couldn't answer, he would have to give up $1000.
Einstein asked a very complicated question to which Bean had no answer.
Frustrated, Bean gave him a dollar. Now it was his turn.
B: "What animal has 4 legs, but only has 2 when he crosses the street, but 5 when he comes back?"
Stumped, Einstein gave him $1000.
Mr. Bean gave him a dollar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6orsar/einstein_vs_mr_bean/
%
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ors9z/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
%
Why are the corners of ice rink rounded and not 90°?

Because if they were then the ice would melt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oroqy/why_are_the_corners_of_ice_rink_rounded_and_not_90/
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What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium and you can't curium,then you might as well barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6orm6y/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
%
If someone is killed by an earthquake,

is it murder by de*fault*?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6orlh6/if_someone_is_killed_by_an_earthquake/
%
I asked my wife to put the kettle on

She said "No, It doesn't fit me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oribg/i_asked_my_wife_to_put_the_kettle_on/
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I work with a guy who looks like Burt Reynolds.

He's from Ghana so we call him Burnt Reynolds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6orh82/i_work_with_a_guy_who_looks_like_burt_reynolds/
%
I went to the bank with my wife when an armed robber walked in, pulled on a balaclava and pulled out a gun.

He went up to a customer and asked "did you see my face?" The customer said "yes", so the robber shot him.
He asked another customer "did you see my face?" The customer said "yes" so the robber shot him.
He asked me "did you see my face?"
"No, but the wife did"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6orh2i/i_went_to_the_bank_with_my_wife_when_an_armed/
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So Hitler decides to go see a psychic...

...and the psychic tells him that he will die on the day of a Jewish holiday. Hitler, obviously distraught, demands the psychic tell him more, and tries to coerce him into giving more details in hopes that he can somehow prevent it.
After much back and forth, the psychic finally snaps in impatience and says, "Well, whatever the day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday anyway,".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6orft2/so_hitler_decides_to_go_see_a_psychic/
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There's a website that gives book recommendations on what subreddits you browse the most

I picked r/jokes and got *Plagiarism: What it is and How to Stop it*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6orede/theres_a_website_that_gives_book_recommendations/
%
A friend of mine gave me an expensive bottle of scotch, I was afraid of dropping it so I drank the entire bottle immediately.

Good thing I drank it because I fell seven times when biking home that night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6orajf/a_friend_of_mine_gave_me_an_expensive_bottle_of/
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A lone sniper was just about to…

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse!    Mickey Mouse!"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he
had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said
"I meant to shout "Donald, duck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6orafo/a_lone_sniper_was_just_about_to/
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BREAKING NEWS: Bruce Willis found dead surrounded by 70 empty Viagra bottles.

Looks like he...died hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6or9jo/breaking_news_bruce_willis_found_dead_surrounded/
%
An old short, ugly, fat man approaches a beautiful woman in a bar...

He says to her:
"Ma'am I know that I'm a bit older than you, and I'm not particularly easy on the eyes, but I would love to buy you a drink."
She flatly tells him:
"No. Go away. I'm not interested"
But the man persists. He tells her:
"But wait! I'm a smart guy with a great job, a nice house, and a new BMW outside!"
Once again the beautiful woman rejects him saying:
"Listen creep, I said no. Now leave me alone."
The man is discouraged, but he saved the best for last. He tells the woman:
"Okay fine, I'll leave you alone, but you should know this last bit. I'm an only-child and my ill father is my only family. You see, he is going on 98 years of age and is barely clinging to life in a nursing home. The doctors only give him a year maximum left to live, but his will leaves his entire $500 million dollar fortune to me!"
The woman's eyes widen with intrigue and a coy smile strikes her face.
"Well sir," she now says flirtatiously, "I think I'll have that drink. Do tell me more!"
Now, after this great success, do you know what that short, ugly, fat man had nine months later?
A new step-mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6or1vv/an_old_short_ugly_fat_man_approaches_a_beautiful/
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Say what you want about paedophiles...

...at least they drive slowly through school zones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oqzyc/say_what_you_want_about_paedophiles/
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Beggars are like mosquitos...

You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oqw6g/beggars_are_like_mosquitos/
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My favourite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oqqko/my_favourite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
%
While touring the White House, Trump reportedly walked into a mirror and said...

"Pardon me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oqpxw/while_touring_the_white_house_trump_reportedly/
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You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":

Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.
Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.
Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.
Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oqkze/you_can_tell_a_lot_about_the_different_branches/
%
What's the difference between a corn husker with epilepsy and a prostitute with dysentery?

One shucks between fits...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oqk75/whats_the_difference_between_a_corn_husker_with/
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Did you hear about John Wayne Bobbitt's dick?

[REMOVED]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oqfm4/did_you_hear_about_john_wayne_bobbitts_dick/
%
I really need your advice on a serious problem.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. Some of the signs are if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.  She also goes out with the girls a lot.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning up her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment while I was crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
Please advise me ASAP since I'm quite worried about this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oqdm3/i_really_need_your_advice_on_a_serious_problem/
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Why is the birthrate in Japan so low?

Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oq8ug/why_is_the_birthrate_in_japan_so_low/
%
Why did the dentist and the orthodontist get into a fight?

They couldn't brush away their differences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oq85y/why_did_the_dentist_and_the_orthodontist_get_into/
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Dad: "We donated all your presents to the orphanage."

Me: "Why, Dad?"
Dad: "So you'll have something to play with when we take you there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oq617/dad_we_donated_all_your_presents_to_the_orphanage/
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My wife asked what I'd do without her.

Apparently "live happily ever after" wasn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oq1zg/my_wife_asked_what_id_do_without_her/
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It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6opzxc/it_looks_like_sean_spicy_spicer_has_been_replaced/
%
President Trump bumped into Mike Pence in a White House hallway this morning...

Trump said "Pardon me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6opx1b/president_trump_bumped_into_mike_pence_in_a_white/
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What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?

The Captain's log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6optg8/what_did_mr_spock_find_in_the_toilet/
%
I joined an alcoholism support group.

It was a total bait-and-switch; every motherfucker there was *against* my alcoholism!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6opsxx/i_joined_an_alcoholism_support_group/
%
Grandma and the Bird

I said, "Grandma, how do you like the bird I sent?"
She said, "It was delicious."
I said, "You ate it?! That was a two thousand dollar talking bird!" She said, "Well, he should have said something."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oppon/grandma_and_the_bird/
%
Grandpa's Birthday

So my grandfather turned 90 last weekend, and my uncle, the class act that he is, thought it'd be a good idea to get a stripper one night, after we had the guys golf trip.
So she shows up, it's  a bit awkward at first, but she's affable and it makes it a slightly better situation.
Eventually she goes up to the birthday boy and asks him "Do you want a super lapdance?"
Grandpa thought long and hard and finally spoke up, "I guess I'll have the soup!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oppb9/grandpas_birthday/
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A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
Then A comes into the bar but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get outta here. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back into the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nice shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in. This could be a major development!"
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit and stands au natural. Eventually the C sobers up, and realizes with horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations of the contrary are bassless.
The bartender then decides, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6opo0z/a_c_an_eflat_and_a_g_go_into_a_bar/
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OJ shouldn't have been pardoned.

Remember, he's the bastard that made the Kardashians famous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6opkwg/oj_shouldnt_have_been_pardoned/
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My penis was in the guiness book of world records...

But then the librarian kicked me out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6opjns/my_penis_was_in_the_guiness_book_of_world_records/
%
I got a bald person hair gel for Christmas.

She immediately started crying when she opened it. I guess the chemo makes her emotional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6opj2t/i_got_a_bald_person_hair_gel_for_christmas/
%
Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants.

He could have called it Billie Jeans.
Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!
Kids pants would be half off there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6opih7/michael_jackson_should_have_opened_a_clothing/
%
Why don't Syrian kids ever take showers?

They wash up on shore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ophi0/why_dont_syrian_kids_ever_take_showers/
%
What impresses me the most about Tour de France athletes is that they can go for five hours

without looking at their cellphones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oph1z/what_impresses_me_the_most_about_tour_de_france/
%
I've recently developed an addiction to Viagra...

It's been the hardest 3 weeks of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6opgtz/ive_recently_developed_an_addiction_to_viagra/
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One day canada will conquer the world

And then you'll all be sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6opg7o/one_day_canada_will_conquer_the_world/
%
The 7 Dwarfs were thrown out of a bar.

They don't serve miners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6opdvq/the_7_dwarfs_were_thrown_out_of_a_bar/
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A fisherman walks into /r/jokes...

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender.  The bartender offers him a drink.  The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free.  The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts.  After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing.
The fisherman begins his tale.  "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod."
"Let me stop you right there" says the bartender.  I can see where this is going.  Golden rod.  This is a sex joke.  I've heard it before."
"No.  It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman.
The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC.
The fisherman continues his tale.  "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish."
"Wait a minute" says the bartender.  "I think you're in the wrong place.  This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis.  You want /r/prequelmemes down the street".
"No.  It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale.  "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish.  Neptune, god of the sea appeared.  He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend.  In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel.  The little boy said 'Now I am sad'.
"Oh, come on!" said the bartender.  "Hey, Sad.  I'm neptune!  You want /r/dadjokes.  Don't waste my time".
"No.  It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale.  "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again.  Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes."
The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?"
The bartender, confused, looks up.  "What?  That's it?"
The fisherman nods.
The bartender, now, is very confused.  It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense.
He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?"
The fisherman says "I can't answer that here".
The bartender asks "Why not?"
The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6opdc0/a_fisherman_walks_into_rjokes/
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What's the difference between Paul Walker and my laptop?

I actually give a fuck when my laptop crashes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6op5fc/whats_the_difference_between_paul_walker_and_my/
%
How do you know how heavy a chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6op50j/how_do_you_know_how_heavy_a_chilli_pepper_is/
%
What do bull riders and I have in common?

We both struggle to last 8 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6op364/what_do_bull_riders_and_i_have_in_common/
%
I got fired from my job of making leaf blowers...

because they all sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6op32v/i_got_fired_from_my_job_of_making_leaf_blowers/
%
Guy walks into a bar with booster cables around his neck...

Bartender says: Hey man, don't come in here starting shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6op0uc/guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_booster_cables_around/
%
Want to go to the strip club for lunch today?

I hear they have a great spread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oorh2/want_to_go_to_the_strip_club_for_lunch_today/
%
A transgender person with kids would be invisible

Because they'd be transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oopvo/a_transgender_person_with_kids_would_be_invisible/
%
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oopnh/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Two midgets go into a bar,

where they pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE.. UUHH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on."
The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oonwa/two_midgets_go_into_a_bar/
%
Some idiot was texting and driving and rear ended my car.

It spilled my beer all over the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oonfg/some_idiot_was_texting_and_driving_and_rear_ended/
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What do you get for attempting human cloning with a drummer?

Repercussions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ooluq/what_do_you_get_for_attempting_human_cloning_with/
%
Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding.

The citizens of Cairo are still in denial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oojde/breaking_news_due_to_heavy_storms_all_the_rivers/
%
What cheese is made backwards?

Edam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oojdb/what_cheese_is_made_backwards/
%
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ooj87/i_stayed_up_all_night_to_see_where_the_sun_went/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A perfect 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oofb0/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
A father and son go on vacation together

While checking into the hotel, the father asks the front desk "before my son and I go to our room, I'd just like to confirm the porn is disabled"
The concierge with a look of disgust states "no sir we have normal porn here you sick fuck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ooeqo/a_father_and_son_go_on_vacation_together/
%
I keep missing the people I break up with

I need to practice my aim more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oo9o2/i_keep_missing_the_people_i_break_up_with/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but it had no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oo94l/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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What's the first step to preparing American cuisine?

Remove packaging and pierce film

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oo6bk/whats_the_first_step_to_preparing_american_cuisine/
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Quality, Not Quantity

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?"
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"
The general replied, "All indications point to China."
Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"
The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."
After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked,
"Do we have enough Jews?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6onyeu/quality_not_quantity/
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Ten reasons why hockey is better than women

1: In hockey, everyone likes rough.
2: You only get 5 minutes for fighting.
3: Puck is not a dirty word.
4: You don't have to play in the neutral zone.
5: It is possible to score a few times a night.
6: When you "pull the goalie," nobody gets pregnant.
7: Missing teeth doesn't stop you from scoring.
8: You can always get new wood if your stick breaks.
9: The Zamboni cleans up your mess.
10: Periods last twenty minutes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6onum0/ten_reasons_why_hockey_is_better_than_women/
%
What do you call a child with redheaded parents?

Ginger-bred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6onttl/what_do_you_call_a_child_with_redheaded_parents/
%
Why does Superman have a lower case "s" on his chest?

Because not all heroes wear caps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ont5f/why_does_superman_have_a_lower_case_s_on_his_chest/
%
What stopped winter from coming?

Winterfell and it can't get up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6onsps/what_stopped_winter_from_coming/
%
A man is going on a trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Delta?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of Delta's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6onpxo/a_man_is_going_on_a_trip_to_rome/
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Roses are red, Violets are red, grass is red

Shit! My garden is on fire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6onmqn/roses_are_red_violets_are_red_grass_is_red/
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I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery...

Now I'm in a world of pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6onlbd/ive_just_fallen_through_the_roof_of_a_french/
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Restaurant

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
Then I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the male waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of 'you know what', we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, Shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know what my colleagues do, but I use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6onjrn/restaurant/
%
A king, a businessman and a network admin in hell.

A king, a businessman and a network admin meet the devil at the gates to hell.
- You can make one phone call, but you'd have to pay for it, - says the devil.
The king makes his call, asks who's the new ruler of the kingdom, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with peace.
- This call will cost you $100,000, - says the devil.
The businessman goes next, askes about his company, how are things, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with peace.
- This call will cost you $1,000,000, - says the devil.
The network admin is the last one to call. He askes how are all the servers working, were there any problems and discusses every one of them in details. All in all it took him several hours to finish the call.
- This call will cost you $10.50, - says the devil.
-What? Why? How? - the king and the businessman resent, - He talked so much longer than we did!
The devil answers:
- There is no charge for roaming when you call from hell to hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oninl/a_king_a_businessman_and_a_network_admin_in_hell/
%
A friend told me about Procrastination Anonymous

I said I'll go later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6onesg/a_friend_told_me_about_procrastination_anonymous/
%
My wife walked in on me...

My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion. I threw my hands up and said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oneqi/my_wife_walked_in_on_me/
%
What bee produces milk?

A boo-bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6onbvo/what_bee_produces_milk/
%
I can't describe how terrified I was to be in the middle of an earthquake...

...I was shaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6onat6/i_cant_describe_how_terrified_i_was_to_be_in_the/
%
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club.

But I'd never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6on8ra/this_girl_said_she_recognized_me_from_the/
%
Why was Jesus a vegetarian?

He doesn't care for stakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6on8en/why_was_jesus_a_vegetarian/
%
Blonde got tired of hearing "dumb blonde" jokes.

A blonde woman decided that she was sick and tired of white men assuming she was stupid and easy because of her hair. She decided to buy a Muslim head covering and convert instead. After some diligent Googling, she set out to the mall to buy a Niqaab.
The next day she decided to sport it at the local Mosque because she couldn't figure out where all the Muslim men went to meet women. After an unsuccessful and quite confusing experience at morning prayers, she stopped a woman on the way out of the Mosque and asked if the men didn't talk to her because they could tell she was blond.
"No, but that's a real nice ski mask!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6on8af/blonde_got_tired_of_hearing_dumb_blonde_jokes/
%
If a cop pulls over a U Haul....

Is he trying to bust a move?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6on711/if_a_cop_pulls_over_a_u_haul/
%
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A Stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6on2fd/what_do_you_call_a_boomerang_that_doesnt_come_back/
%
I say no to alcohol,

But it just doesn't listen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6omzov/i_say_no_to_alcohol/
%
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives...

Fourteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.
12. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
13. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff....
Makes you wonder...:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6omw5b/why_some_men_have_dogs_and_not_wives/
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Nobody tells me how to run my life!

Which is why I'm looking for a consultant, I need to get this shit under control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6omuo1/nobody_tells_me_how_to_run_my_life/
%
When they put a computer at the wheel of a car, why didnt it work ?

They needed to install a driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6omrl9/when_they_put_a_computer_at_the_wheel_of_a_car/
%
What happenes to jokes told by Muslims?

They blow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ompmk/what_happenes_to_jokes_told_by_muslims/
%
What do you get when you mix vodka and Holy water?

A Holy Spirit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ommmg/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_vodka_and_holy_water/
%
How do you confuse a paleontologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6omlro/how_do_you_confuse_a_paleontologist/
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Gynaecologists are the most negative people you can find

Because they look for faults where others look for pleasure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6omf3z/gynaecologists_are_the_most_negative_people_you/
%
I can't wait till New Year's Day, 2021.

Then I can say hindsight is really 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6omaat/i_cant_wait_till_new_years_day_2021/
%
A man was trying to sell his car but the mileage was too high

. A friend told him to set it back and it will look like a brand new car. The man did so and he thanked his friend for the tip.
*A few days later*
Friend: "So, did you sell the car?"
Man: "What the fuck? Why would I sell a brand new car?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oma94/a_man_was_trying_to_sell_his_car_but_the_mileage/
%
Change your course

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6om9ji/change_your_course/
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What is a surefire way to make sure your friend doesn't commit suicide?

Shoot him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6om9hh/what_is_a_surefire_way_to_make_sure_your_friend/
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Human Trafficking

A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!
There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, and the man she is with, is a fat old slob who looks like a sexual deviant, mean and dangerous!”
The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6om77e/human_trafficking/
%
R/Jokes is like a memory test

I try to guess if I remember the punchline from earlier, before I open the details.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6om4oa/rjokes_is_like_a_memory_test/
%
I was making a video about emos

It was super easy to make because the video cut itself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6om39i/i_was_making_a_video_about_emos/
%
I hate it when girlfriends have overprotective dads.

That's why I work at an orphanage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6om2r7/i_hate_it_when_girlfriends_have_overprotective/
%
There was a cop writing a parking ticket

I went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving this senior citizen a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "asshole". He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So I called him a "shit head".  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and I got on it and went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6om13c/there_was_a_cop_writing_a_parking_ticket/
%
Why do doctors recommend apple juice?

Cause OJ will kill you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6om0m1/why_do_doctors_recommend_apple_juice/
%
Trump and Putin...

...get cryogenically frozen after their respective deaths, and are re-woken 200 years later.
They decide to take a walk through the city together. Suddenly, Putin stops and bursts out laughing, pointing at the headline at a newsstand: "USA in worst financial crisis in history"
They walk on through the futuristic city, when Putin once again bursts out into laughter pointing at the headline of another newsstand: "EU votes against fourth humanisitic intervention in US-Crisis"
Trump is pretty downcast. They decide to finish their walk, when suddenly it is Trump who is crying from laughter pointing at yet another newsstand: "Skirmishes at German-Chinese border continue"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6olzf1/trump_and_putin/
%
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more bean would be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6olyu1/why_do_the_irish_only_put_239_beans_in_their_soup/
%
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers

And says "I'll have five beers, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6olw7o/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_holds_up_two_fingers/
%
What's the difference between your wife and your job?

Your wife stops sucking after 5 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6olud4/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
%
What did the retarded kid get on his math test?

Drool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6olr84/what_did_the_retarded_kid_get_on_his_math_test/
%
Amazing Home Remedies

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. presto! the blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables.
3. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you'll be too afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. if it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6olkrh/amazing_home_remedies/
%
What's 30 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Trump's tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6olgmv/whats_30_inches_long_and_hangs_in_front_of_an/
%
How goes a physicist milk a cow?

First he assumes the cow is a sphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ol9ui/how_goes_a_physicist_milk_a_cow/
%
Hear about the ex-body-builder couple that broke up?

They just weren't working out like they used to...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ol8uo/hear_about_the_exbodybuilder_couple_that_broke_up/
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My dad told me

about a town that had a lot of car wrecks and their population was dwindling quickly.
The people had an issue with pulling out too early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ol0vt/my_dad_told_me/
%
What do you call a Paper Clip that is not used for paper?

Useless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6okvy3/what_do_you_call_a_paper_clip_that_is_not_used/
%
When asked how I view lesbian relationships

In High Definition apparently is not an appropriate answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oku91/when_asked_how_i_view_lesbian_relationships/
%
I knew a girl once who was into beastiality.

She liked it ruff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oku2v/i_knew_a_girl_once_who_was_into_beastiality/
%
What do you call a Vietnam war hero with a new apartment?

New tenant Dan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6okqrf/what_do_you_call_a_vietnam_war_hero_with_a_new/
%
While buying condoms the cashier asked, "Do you need a bag?"

I said, "Nah, he isn't *that* ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6okqc4/while_buying_condoms_the_cashier_asked_do_you/
%
Ralph and Edna

were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping inand saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6okmnn/ralph_and_edna/
%
How do you take away an Italian's freedom of speech?

Handcuff them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6okkxa/how_do_you_take_away_an_italians_freedom_of_speech/
%
Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for the night....

...light a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6okj9r/build_a_man_a_fire_hell_be_warm_for_the_night/
%
What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6okh29/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_with_pms_and/
%
I hate racing of any kind but I'm terrified to tell anyone...

I just don't want to be labeled a racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oked7/i_hate_racing_of_any_kind_but_im_terrified_to/
%
I had a dream last night about being a muffler

I woke up exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6okchw/i_had_a_dream_last_night_about_being_a_muffler/
%
Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6okcgi/why_doesnt_jesus_trust_mankind/
%
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees ?

He saw too much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6okcaz/did_you_hear_about_the_lumberjack_who_got_fired/
%
A zebra was having a crisis.

He couldn't decide if he was white with black stripes, or he was black with white stripes. For many months this bothered him, sometimes even keeping him up all night wondering.
On morning, he decided to see the wise old monkey in the baobab tree to find answers to his quandary. Far and long he traveled, until he was standing at the base of the tree, the canopy looming high above him.
"Wise monkey," he called, hoping to be heard, "I come seeking your wisdom!"
Descending on a vine, the wise old monkey answered, "What is it that troubles you, my child?"
"I've been thinking for months, monkey, and I can't decide if I am white with black stripes, or black with white stripes."
"That is easy, for you are what you are. Now go, and be at peace."
The zebra left to return to his herd, possibly more confused than when he had arrived. He turned the answer over in his mind for days and nights on end, deciding after a week he would return to the monkey and seek a better answer. So off he went.
At the base of the baobab tree once again, he called up to the wise monkey.
"Wise monkey, I have returned. I pondered your words and I'm more confused than ever. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"
Not bothering to come down this time, the monkey called back, "My child, if you were black with white stripes, I would have said, 'You is what you is.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ok98s/a_zebra_was_having_a_crisis/
%
I love Florida everything is in the 80's

The temperature, the people, and the IQs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ok8mq/i_love_florida_everything_is_in_the_80s/
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What do you call an asian marksman?

Precise Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ok81x/what_do_you_call_an_asian_marksman/
%
I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ok6jj/i_keep_having_bad_dreams_about_an_ancient/
%
Earlier today I really needed a drink to quench my thirst and apple juice wasn't really doing it for me

but OJ did it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ok593/earlier_today_i_really_needed_a_drink_to_quench/
%
What do you call an illegal immigrant vs. a child molester?

Alien vs. Predator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ok4q5/what_do_you_call_an_illegal_immigrant_vs_a_child/
%
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis i've ever had...

does money even matter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ok4nl/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_existential_crisis/
%
I like my women like I like my golf score

Around 80 with a slight handicap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ok4a4/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_golf_score/
%
How can you tell if a psychopath is a magician?

They make everyone disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ok16s/how_can_you_tell_if_a_psychopath_is_a_magician/
%
There's so many scams on the internet today, and so many of them are easy to fall for.

Send me $25 and I'll tell you all about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ojyrb/theres_so_many_scams_on_the_internet_today_and_so/
%
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident (Long)

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad
one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly,
neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their
cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're
a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing
left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God
must have meant that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must
be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of
Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to
drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he
hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the
bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle,
immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the
priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...l think I'll wait for the police."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ojvrx/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_get_into_a_car_accident_long/
%
Why is there no cheese in the menu for the Last Supper?

Because Jesus took the wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ojuu5/why_is_there_no_cheese_in_the_menu_for_the_last/
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What's the difference between incest and necrophilia?

Incest is relatively boring, necrophilia is dead boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ojs72/whats_the_difference_between_incest_and/
%
Atheists definition

People who be leavin' God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ojq10/atheists_definition/
%
Why do porn photographers never get nervous?

They always picture everyone in the room naked.
Sorry if this is a repost, I've never heard it here before:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ojpt8/why_do_porn_photographers_never_get_nervous/
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If I had a dollar for every promise a politician fulfilled

The debt would equal my uninsured hospital bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ojnjg/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_promise_a_politician/
%
What did the amputee say to the police officer?

"Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ojlxl/what_did_the_amputee_say_to_the_police_officer/
%
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ojijh/why_did_the_mexican_push_his_wife_off_a_cliff/
%
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oji69/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeve/
%
Quality control at a Whack-a-Mole factory

...Is either hit or miss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ojgny/quality_control_at_a_whackamole_factory/
%
Men's "Help Line" Question

Hello, you have reached the "Men's Help Line." My name is Don. How can I help you?
Caller:  "Hey, buddy, I need your advice on a very serious problem.
For some time, now, I've suspected that my wife's been cheating on me.
I've been seeing the usual signs ~ like the phone rings, and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she sure goes out with "the girls" a lot.  Well, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was **still** not home. So, I went and hid in the garage behind my bass boat to wait for her.
When she finally came dragging home, she jumped out of some stranger's Ford F-250 Super Duty, buttoned up her blouse, pulled her panties out of her purse and wiggled into them.
It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in my outboard motor mounting bracket.
Now, Don, here's my question:  Is this something that I can weld back together, or do I need to replace the **whole** bracket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ojfti/mens_help_line_question/
%
A teacher was quizzing Johnny on farm animals

Teacher: "Johnny, what does the chicken give you?"
Johnny: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Johnny: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Johnny: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oje51/a_teacher_was_quizzing_johnny_on_farm_animals/
%
What do capitalists worship?

profits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ojaru/what_do_capitalists_worship/
%
I smoked weed with a couple of cows near a police station.

The steaks were really high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oj8nd/i_smoked_weed_with_a_couple_of_cows_near_a_police/
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Snail with a ‘tude

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oj4ym/snail_with_a_tude/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oj489/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
Did you hear about Pavlov's deaf dog?

He was the exception to the drool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oj3q3/did_you_hear_about_pavlovs_deaf_dog/
%
What do you call it when Einstein, Carl Sagan, and Stephen Hawking masturbate?

A stroke of genius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oj3fq/what_do_you_call_it_when_einstein_carl_sagan_and/
%
vsauce in a relationship joke.

"michael, im breaking up with you"
michael: "this woman is a bitch, which comes from the latin word 'bitchus', which means a whore. now, she wants to break up with me because i cheated on her sister.
but what exactly is 'cheating'? Well, cheating occurs when someone stick their dicks in someone other than their partner. but if you compare my dick to the size of the entire earth, its basically nothing...." "
michael, shut up"
michael: "now, she is shouting at me because her soul is dark. but not as dark as a black... hole. according to a study made by dr. neil de grasse tyson...."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oj2qs/vsauce_in_a_relationship_joke/
%
Annual Check-up

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said: "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen."
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked him how he knew that.
"Why," the old man, "I must live a good, clean life or the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc looked a little concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you."
"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental conditions. He told me every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Why that rascal," she said. "I thought someone has been peeing in the refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oj2c0/annual_checkup/
%
You know what's really odd?

Numbers not divisible by 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oiy6i/you_know_whats_really_odd/
%
Well, OJ has been paroled.

The spokesperson for the parole board that granted him his new freedom said they "decided to give him another stab at it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oixfw/well_oj_has_been_paroled/
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger is asked in an interview...

If you could be reincarnated as any famous musician in history, Who would it be.
He replies "I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oix8m/arnold_schwarzenegger_is_asked_in_an_interview/
%
A lawyer, a spy, a money launderer, and a mob boss walk into a bar.

The bar tender looks up and says, "you must be here to talk about adoption".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oix6o/a_lawyer_a_spy_a_money_launderer_and_a_mob_boss/
%
A king is building an army

King: how many volunteers do we have for the army?
Squire: 384 my liege
King: ok, round them up
Squire: 400 my liege

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oiw3c/a_king_is_building_an_army/
%
I walked into a pet shop and said, "Excuse me, do you have any blenders?"

The man said "yes" and handed me a chameleon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oitpt/i_walked_into_a_pet_shop_and_said_excuse_me_do/
%
Why did the girl take toilet paper to the party?

She's a party pooper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oisdd/why_did_the_girl_take_toilet_paper_to_the_party/
%
My child got a vaccination yesterday and now he can't walk....

...he couldn't walk before either...but now he still can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oirgf/my_child_got_a_vaccination_yesterday_and_now_he/
%
How well did OJ do at his hearing today?

He murdered it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oiqtb/how_well_did_oj_do_at_his_hearing_today/
%
What's forest gumps wifi password?

1forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oipjs/whats_forest_gumps_wifi_password/
%
What's OJ Simpson's favorite drink?

A Bloody Mary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oiotz/whats_oj_simpsons_favorite_drink/
%
An amputee broke into my house last night and tried to steal my stuff

Luckily he was unarmed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oim7q/an_amputee_broke_into_my_house_last_night_and/
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Potatoes For Everyone!

A party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.
''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, ''That's all right, there are no potatoes, either.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oijwp/potatoes_for_everyone/
%
I am never going to that hair salon.

I hear it's where good hair goes to dye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oijdp/i_am_never_going_to_that_hair_salon/
%
What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oihjr/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_came_out_of_the/
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A very poor man

decided his last resort was to write a letter to God. His family was going hungry. He was behind on all of his bills. He became unemployed, and started to grow ill. He wrote "Dear heavenly father. I've no other resources. No other place to turn. I don't ask for much. I really just need $1500 to catch up on my mortgage. Amen."
So the mailman came by and picked up his letter addressed to God. Got a kick out of it and decided to open it up with his coworkers. They felt bad for the poor man and decided to scrounge up some money to help the old guy out. They mustered up about $1000 bucks and dropped it in his mailbox in an envelope.
The next day the find another envelope addressed to God. They open it up and read "Thank you God so much! I knew we could count on you. Just an observation: Next time don't send it through the post office. Those darn bastards took $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oidw7/a_very_poor_man/
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All of the people on r/iamverysmart lie about their IQs.

As someone with a 176, I see right through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oi9xo/all_of_the_people_on_riamverysmart_lie_about/
%
A church had their AC stolen

The next day there was a note on the church doors reading: "Dear thief! Keep the AC you stole, where you'll be going you'll need it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oi9me/a_church_had_their_ac_stolen/
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My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends

I really hope it's Todd, he's kinda cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oi757/my_friends_say_theres_a_gay_guy_in_our_circle_of/
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Came second place in a Fidel Castro lookalike competition.

Close, but no cigar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oi48z/came_second_place_in_a_fidel_castro_lookalike/
%
What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?

I mean, didn't they get bored?
I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oi2ug/what_did_grandma_and_grandpa_do_before_there_was/
%
"Honey I'm home!', says a girl to her boyfriend.

"Where have you been?"
"I went to the beauty specialist!"
"Wasn't she there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oi27b/honey_im_home_says_a_girl_to_her_boyfriend/
%
[NSFW] How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?

When you have to make airplane noises to put your dick in her mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oi13g/nsfw_how_do_you_know_when_your_girlfriend_is_too/
%
An old grape farmer

There was once an old grape farmer who had went through many droughts. When his grapes had fallen and dried, all he could've said was "Everything happens for a rasin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oht9j/an_old_grape_farmer/
%
What do you call someone with a fetish for chickpeas?

A hummussexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ohstx/what_do_you_call_someone_with_a_fetish_for/
%
What happens when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?

Udder Destruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ohs1u/what_happens_when_a_cow_jumps_over_a_barbed_wire/
%
If Ironman and Silver Surfer teamed up

They would be alloys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ohn94/if_ironman_and_silver_surfer_teamed_up/
%
Body Pain

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, “Doctor I’m hurting all over my body.”
“That’s odd”, replied the doctor, “Show me what you mean”
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says, “You’re not a natural brunette are you?”
“No I’m a blonde”, she replies.
“I thought so…. your finger is broken.”, replies the doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ohmb3/body_pain/
%
You know what’s more fun than traveling with small children?

Anything. Literally anything…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ohk2u/you_know_whats_more_fun_than_traveling_with_small/
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I wish my wife was a computer

That way I could actually turn her on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ohi46/i_wish_my_wife_was_a_computer/
%
What do you call jokes about eyes?

Vitreous humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ohheq/what_do_you_call_jokes_about_eyes/
%
What's the square root of 69?

Eight something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ohgwi/whats_the_square_root_of_69/
%
Two wrongs don't make a right...

...For example, your parents.
(Saw this spray painted on the back of a van.  No idea if it's from something)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ohdit/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
%
How many tech support reps does it take to change a light bulb?

I'm sorry, this isn't the right department to give you the answer to that question.  Let me transfer you to another sub, hold please....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oha8g/how_many_tech_support_reps_does_it_take_to_change/
%
Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.﻿
Edit 2: ok guys really I get it, churches have wif-fi, no need for every redditor to tell me, 200 is enough
Edit 3: I'm beginning to realise these edits might be making things worse rather than better…
Edit 4: Before you say anything, better get in line.
Edit 5: New joke: why DO churches have wi-fi? So every church-goer can brag about it all at once!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oh439/why_dont_churches_have_wifi/
%
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff,

Ba dum tsss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oh2dj/two_drums_and_a_cymbal_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
Computers and Passwords....

Upon having to choose a new password, a computer user was confronted with the following sequence of events:
Please Enter Your Password...
Please enter your new password:
"cabbage"
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
"boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
"1 boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
"50bloodyboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow"
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
"ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow"
Sorry, that password is already in use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ogzd5/computers_and_passwords/
%
I can count on one hand how many times I've been to Chernobyl.

8 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ogz37/i_can_count_on_one_hand_how_many_times_ive_been/
%
An attractive woman was reading The History of Penises on the bus the other day...

... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"
She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest penises in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"
She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ogxp3/an_attractive_woman_was_reading_the_history_of/
%
Hey. (Giggle!) Hey, guys... why did the toilet cross the road?

**(*FART NOISE!*)**
---

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ogrtv/hey_giggle_hey_guys_why_did_the_toilet_cross_the/
%
What's worse than eating 11 oysters off your grandma's private parts

Realising you only put 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ogotu/whats_worse_than_eating_11_oysters_off_your/
%
Cry!!

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ogl5p/cry/
%
A plane crashes in a remote jungle

A sole survivor walks away from the crash site. He wanders the wilderness for days and days, finding very little to eat or drink. One day, nearly starved, he hears some singing. He approaches it and sees a native tribe celebrating around a fire with a giant cooking pot on it. He bursts through the trees with relief at the prospect of food. The tribe, surprised at first, immediately swarms the starving man and hauls him towards the pot, thanking their gods for bringing them this meal. The man is thrown into the cooking pot along with some veggies, like carrots and potatoes, to make him into a stew. The tribesmen leave him to cook for about half an hour. They then open the lid to see how their meal is faring. The man happily looks up at them from the bottom of the pot, "more potatoes please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ogi05/a_plane_crashes_in_a_remote_jungle/
%
Every time I get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom and take too long to pee....

I keep looking at my penis and start yelling "come on! I KNOW urine there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ogblo/every_time_i_get_up_in_the_middle_of_the_night/
%
My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show...

...and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
(shamelessly stolen from facebook)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oga6c/my_wife_and_i_went_to_the_calgary_bull_sale/
%
The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender
“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped
“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”
“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the point of living!”
“Yeah, what IS the point of living” the bartender grumbled
The Redditor then sat there for what felt like hours, pondering the meaning of his pitiful existence. Over the later days, he began to become erratic, asking Scientists, Men of God and even random strangers what they thought the purpose of living is.
Unsatisfied with all his answers, he climbs to the side of a bridge in hopes of throwing himself off. His feet where on the edge and he was about to jump when and old man taps his side and says to him
“Do not jump. I know the answers you seek. Look to the stars and continue onwards”
The old man the shuffled off without another word.
With renewed hope swelling in his chest, he gathers all his life savings and builds a rocket ship. Tirelessly, he worked day and night for many, many years until it was finished.
Immediately he jumped in and launched off towards the stars, aimlessly wandering space for so long that he forgot, until he landed on another planet inhabited by alien creatures.
Clambering out of the ship, he desperately asked each alien who came across his path
“Do you know? Do you know the purpose of living?”
The alien creatures could not understand what he was saying, but understood that glint of questions in his eyes like so many others that have come past. They pointed him to a nearby comet that was orbiting the planet. He climbed back into the rocket and shot off to the comet.
Upon landing, he realises that the ball of ice is completely barren, so he then decides to dig.
So he digs and he digs and he digs, but the Redditor was now an old man and those years of searching where finally taking his toll on him.
But as he gets to the center, he finds a piece of parchment with something written on it. The Redditor could feel that these were his last breaths but he was so close to the answer that plagued him his entire life.
The parchment simply read
“OP’s Mom”
The Redditor gave a faint chuckle
“The real joke is always in the comets”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6og16p/the_meaning_of_life/
%
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe.

A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First, they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again"
Ninja Edit: fixed typos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6og0l2/a_mathematician_a_biologist_and_a_physicist_are/
%
Obama smoked weed growing up and look where he is today

Unemployed, with two kids and recently evicted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ofyrb/obama_smoked_weed_growing_up_and_look_where_he_is/
%
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ofu3z/why_did_the_toilet_paper_roll_down_the_hill/
%
My dad used to beat me with his belt

while he was still wearing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ofrzs/my_dad_used_to_beat_me_with_his_belt/
%
Husband and wife are walking down the street

Wife: Look at that drunk guy
Husband: Oh, do you know him?
Wife: 10 years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him
Husband: Holy shit! He's still celebrating!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ofrbu/husband_and_wife_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
There is a type of capital punishment where the executioner yells mispronounced words at the inmates until they die.

It's called lethal inflection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ofp9b/there_is_a_type_of_capital_punishment_where_the/
%
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ofozd/whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a_golf/
%
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

Same time next month?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ofn01/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
%
What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ofhnv/whats_the_hardest_thing_when_working_with_the/
%
I heard that it takes semen and an egg to make a baby.

But all it made for me was a delicious breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ofg6o/i_heard_that_it_takes_semen_and_an_egg_to_make_a/
%
What do Southerners have in common with peanut butter?

They are both usually in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6offid/what_do_southerners_have_in_common_with_peanut/
%
Boomboxes on the beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."
"No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's selling batteries."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ofeyz/boomboxes_on_the_beach/
%
Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs…

…are not a request…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ofehx/today_i_learned_that_wet_floor_signs/
%
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy...

But won't cross the street to vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ofda0/america_is_a_country_which_produces_citizens_who/
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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates...

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ofby1/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Will glass coffins be successful?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ofaiv/will_glass_coffins_be_successful/
%
I saw our cat drinking out of the dog bowl so I ate some of his food to teach him a lesson.

So far he's learnt nothing, but I've learnt that I don't like cat food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6of97u/i_saw_our_cat_drinking_out_of_the_dog_bowl_so_i/
%
What does the urinal say to the toilet?

"You're so full of shit"
Toilet responds: "Piss off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6of24p/what_does_the_urinal_say_to_the_toilet/
%
I farted in the Apple store and now everyone hates me.

Not my fault that they don't have windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6of244/i_farted_in_the_apple_store_and_now_everyone/
%
My original redneck joke.

If you clean the stains in your toilet by pissing harder, you might be a redneck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6of0y1/my_original_redneck_joke/
%
A farmer takes his crosseyed cow to the vet..

The vet says "I know how to fix this". So he puts a hose up the cows ass and blows really hard, and BANG! the cows eyes snap back to normal. A week later the farmer takes his cow back to the vet because his eyes became crossed again. The vet says "I know how to take care of this" and puts a hose up the cows ass again and blows really hard. This time nothing happens. So the vet blows even harder. Again nothing happened. So the vet says to the farmer "you want to give it a try?" So the farmer pulls the hose out, turns the hose around and sticks the other end of the hose in the cows ass..  the vet says "what are you doing?" And the farmer says "whaddya think I want your germs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oezf8/a_farmer_takes_his_crosseyed_cow_to_the_vet/
%
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion,

has already been born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oes9i/i_have_noticed_that_everyone_who_is_for_abortion/
%
What's saltier than a tuNa?

A barNaCle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oeoig/whats_saltier_than_a_tuna/
%
My wife suffers from a drinking problem

“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
-
“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
-
“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oenvz/my_wife_suffers_from_a_drinking_problem/
%
Merkel, Putin and Obama are at a conference

when they decide to go outside for some fresh air and talk.
Together they stroll along the coast, as Obama suddendly starts to brag: "Our nuclear submarines can stay underwater for days, without ever needing to emerge!"
Putin smirks and encouters: "Is nothing amerikansky, our nuclear submarines can stay underwater for almost 2 weeks!"
Not being able to add to the conversation, Merkel just stared around and whistled a humble tune, when suddendly, a submarine emerged just a short distance from the coastline.
In surprise, Obama, Putin and Merkel halted and looked towards the submarine. They were able to see an elderly man climb out of the hatch whom proceeded to shout: " Heil Hitler, we need gasoline!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oelnf/merkel_putin_and_obama_are_at_a_conference/
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How to use "had" 9 times in a row grammatically

Suzy was writing a paper and asked John to edit it, which he did.  In one section, John, where Suzy had had "had", had "had had"; "had had" had a much nicer sound to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oel6v/how_to_use_had_9_times_in_a_row_grammatically/
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What does an Italian have when he is missing one arm?

A severe speech impediment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oek0t/what_does_an_italian_have_when_he_is_missing_one/
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What tea is the hardest to swallow?

Reality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oej67/what_tea_is_the_hardest_to_swallow/
%
Interviewer: What is your biggest strength?

Me: You tell me...
Interviewer: delegation
Me: Exactly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oehxx/interviewer_what_is_your_biggest_strength/
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What did the algae say to the fungus after the dinner together?

"I'm already lichen you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oeho1/what_did_the_algae_say_to_the_fungus_after_the/
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I met Jon Snow the squirrel the other day

He knows nutting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oeh97/i_met_jon_snow_the_squirrel_the_other_day/
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Apparently people don't like pictures of a Boeing 737

Maybe it's just too plain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oegg3/apparently_people_dont_like_pictures_of_a_boeing/
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What is slowly making a comeback?

The autistic child i just insulted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oeftz/what_is_slowly_making_a_comeback/
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Why are Bachelors slimmer than the Married Men?

Bachelors return from work. See the same boring stuff in the 'FRIDGE' n go to 'BED'.
Married Men return from work. See the same boring stuff in 'BED' n go to the 'FRIDGE'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oefhw/why_are_bachelors_slimmer_than_the_married_men/
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Why are stoners and prime numbers so similar?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they become

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oecse/why_are_stoners_and_prime_numbers_so_similar/
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I have a huge phobia of hair.

I dreadlocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oebiu/i_have_a_huge_phobia_of_hair/
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But daaaad, I don't wanna go see grandma...

"Son, shut up and keep digging,!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oea0r/but_daaaad_i_dont_wanna_go_see_grandma/
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What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing. It just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oe8rg/what_did_one_ocean_say_to_the_other/
%
I've read like 7 jokes about John McCain's cancer today

If I read tumor, it's gonna benign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oe7e5/ive_read_like_7_jokes_about_john_mccains_cancer/
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A guy checks into a hotel and he's horny,

so he figures he'll call one of the girls that advertise in phone booths. He pops into a phone booth near the hotel, finds an ad for "Erogenique," and when he gets back to his room, he calls. A woman answers and says, "Hel-loww ..."
He thinks to himself, "Man, does she sound hot."
He says, "Hi. I, uh, hear you give a great massage, so I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait ... I should be straight with you. What I really want is sex. I want it hard and hot, and I want it now. Please bring toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go all night ... you can tie me up, cover  me in chocolate syrup & whipped cream, anything you want. How's that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic. Now please dial 9 for an outside line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oe6qn/a_guy_checks_into_a_hotel_and_hes_horny/
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Some guy at work.

Some guy at work came up to me and said: "Did you know that people have two ears and only one mouth; I guess that means we should listen more and talk less. "
I replied: "Hmmm... maybe. Or seeing that you have two legs and only one head, maybe you should think less and fuck off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oe32y/some_guy_at_work/
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My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6odvns/my_girlfriend_always_takes_long_baths_after_we/
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Who won the first Tour De France?

The German Panzer Division.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6odtfk/who_won_the_first_tour_de_france/
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The way to Heaven...

A priest is walking down the street when he comes upon a ten year old boy. The priest says "Do you know where the Post Office is?" The kid says "Yeah, make a right, a left, then go two blocks"
The priest thanks him and asks him to come to church on Sunday. The boy asks why and the priest replies "so I can show you the way to Heaven".
The boy says "Are you fucking kidding me? You don't even know the way to the Post Office".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6odpwr/the_way_to_heaven/
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How Canada got it's name, eh

Three men were hiking in the wilds north of America, in the country that is now known as Canada.
They gradually realize that they are exploring undiscovered territory.
Man 1 looks at his buddies, clearly excited.
“I think we discovered a new land, eh!” He says enthusiastically.
“We're venturing where no men have ever gone before, eh,” Man
2 agrees, also excited.
“Let's name it,” Man 3 decides.
“We'll each pick a letter, so it'll be fair, eh!”
The three of them agree to this method, and Man 1 begins.
“C, eh,” Man 1 starts.
“N, eh,” Man 2 continues.
“D, eh,” Man 3 finishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6odpl8/how_canada_got_its_name_eh/
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I always get my dates at midget strip clubs

Those girls are the easiest to pick up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6odp86/i_always_get_my_dates_at_midget_strip_clubs/
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I apologize for this ahead of time

So there was this man who lived in Canada. He was bored of his work life, and it was Christmas time, so he decided to go on vacation, and he settled on Mexico. He went to Mexico, and after arriving to his hotel, he decided to ask the man behind the desk about tourist locations. The man told him about the location where people claimed to have seen the Chupacabra. He didn’t believe it, but after much convincing, he decided to go. He went there, and with his camera waited all day and night to try and find it. After much failure, he concluded that the Chupacabra was a myth. He forgot about it and decided to enjoy his vacation. Eventually he returned home, and went back to work. Finally, the summer came, and he decided he wanted to go on vacation again. Since it was summer, he decided on going to the himalayas. When he arrived, he asked someone about tourist locations, and the person suggested the location where the abominable snowman was last sighted. He felt ripped off by the Chupacabra one, but he decided to give it a try. So, putting on his gear, he hiked until he reached his location. He waited all day and night with his camera but didn’t find it. Thus, he concluded that the abominable snowman was also a myth. He enjoyed the rest of the vacation and eventually went back home, slightly disappointed. The rest of the year went by, and eventually it was summer again. He decided he was going to travel to Scotland. When he arrived to his hotel, he asked about tourist locations. The guy behind the desk told him to visit Loch Ness, because that is where the Loch Ness monster lived. The man was enraged. He was not about to get scammed again. He got angry at the man behind the desk, and so he stormed out of the hotel. He decided to ask random people about tourist locations, but every one of them suggested Loch Ness, so that he might find the Loch Ness monster. Feeling frustrated, he decided to give this one last try. He went to the Loch to prove once and for all that there was no such thing as the Loch Ness monster. He started swimming into the water, and swimming, and swimming, until he was far from shore. “See everyone, it’s a scam. It doesn’t exist!” He was feeling pleased with himself until he felt something grab his leg. He started feeling nervous. All of a sudden, he was pulled underwater. He panicked, but decided to turn and face whatever grabbed him. Lo an behold, it was the Loch Ness monster. “Oh no!” He thought. “This time I was myth-taken!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6odler/i_apologize_for_this_ahead_of_time/
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I apologise gratuitously.

Two brothers are off on a winter vacation in a cabin they rented out for the weekend. After some catching up, one of them goes down to the basement to get some drinks, at which point he notices a coffin in the corner.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a hand comes out of it, and drags the entire thing towards the brother.
Shouting, he runs upstairs and tells the brother what happened. Soon after, the coffin bursts through the door. Screaming, they ran to the kitchen and started throwing anything they could find at it. Pots, pans, plates, and even the trash can. But the coffin wouldn't stop.
Terrified, they went to the living room and started throwing everything at it. Books, cups, and even coasters. But the coffin wouldn't stop.
Out of energy and hope, they barred themselves in the bathroom. The door smashed open and they cried out for help. They threw toilet paper and bottles of shampoo. But the coffin just wouldn't stop. Out of desperation, one of them threw a bottle of cough medicine. The coffin stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6odkvg/i_apologise_gratuitously/
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Man gets nervous right before having sex

Her: Are you nervous?
Him: Y-y-yes...
Her: Is this your first time?
Him: No, I've been nervous before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6odk8t/man_gets_nervous_right_before_having_sex/
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Sex with my wife last night was like my eleventh birthday party.

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6odi0j/sex_with_my_wife_last_night_was_like_my_eleventh/
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I noticed that youtube video thumbnails now play an animated gif when you hover over them.

When i noticed this, i was laying in bed with my conservative, traditional girlfriend, but without thinking, i say out-loud, "Oh, youtube finally caught up to pornhub with that awesome feature."
My girlfriend: What?
Me: What?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6odgjb/i_noticed_that_youtube_video_thumbnails_now_play/
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A man gets pulled over by a cop.

"Sir, have you drank any alcohol tonight?"
"I havd 39 cans ofv Budlight." He replied in slurred speech.
"I said alcohol not cat piss."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ode1z/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
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What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing.  You can't cross a vector with a scaler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6od7nl/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mosquito_with_a/
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Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

Reasons are:
1. The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
2. The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
3. The Queen is more powerful than the King.
4. The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
5. Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6od4u7/saudi_arabia_banned_chess_calling_it_a_dangerous/
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Deep Sea Diver

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a moment later.
The diver went down even farther and the same guy was right behind him.
The confused diver took out out his waterproof chalkboard and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you freakin moron...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6od4my/deep_sea_diver/
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How do you know you're at a gay cookout?

The hotdogs taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6od3if/how_do_you_know_youre_at_a_gay_cookout/
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Two blondes meet on a village road.

One of the blondes was carrying a large gunny bag over her shoulder.
‘Hey there,’ hailed second blonde, ‘what is in the bag?’
‘Chickens,’ came the reply.
‘If I guess how many, can I have one?’
‘You can have both of them.’
‘OK.. five?’ Said the second blonde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6od06m/two_blondes_meet_on_a_village_road/
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Dad! Are you stealing?

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ocy7v/dad_are_you_stealing/
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I have sex the same rate i give gold

When i can afford it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ocvm4/i_have_sex_the_same_rate_i_give_gold/
%
I set up a Facebook page for Chinese nazis

It has 3 reichs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oct5a/i_set_up_a_facebook_page_for_chinese_nazis/
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I took the number 25 instead of the 52 today thanks to my dyslexia

Whoops, wrong bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ocsq1/i_took_the_number_25_instead_of_the_52_today/
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How are a woman and a piece of dog shit alike?

The older they are, the easier they are to pick up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ocrzo/how_are_a_woman_and_a_piece_of_dog_shit_alike/
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Donkey And Bishop

A preacher wanted to earn money for the building expansion program of his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher figured he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the race.
The next day the donkey came in third. The racing form's headline the following day read, "Preacher's Ass Shows."
The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered him the next day also. The donkey won. The newspaper's headline read, "Preachers Ass Out in Front."
The bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. Then, the headlines read, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass." This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.
The preacher decided to give the animal to a nearby convent. Next day's headlines read, "Nuns Have Best Ass in Town."
The bishop fainted! He informed the nuns to get rid of the animal. So they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the paper read, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks."
Coincidentally the Bishop dies that day. They buried the bishop the next day. The paper read, "Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop's Death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ocplr/donkey_and_bishop/
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An American, An Englishman, and A Bavarian walk into a bar

The American orders a bud, the Englishman a pint of ale.
The Bavarian orders a coke and says to the others:
"If you won't drink beer, I won't either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ocjm2/an_american_an_englishman_and_a_bavarian_walk/
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3 Women are sat at a bar..

The first of the three says proudly "I can fit my whole fist up there". To this the second woman turns and says "well I can fit both my fists up there". The third woman just smiled and slowly slid down the barstool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ocbui/3_women_are_sat_at_a_bar/
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How is looking up your symptoms on WebMD like your July Horoscope?

It's probably cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oca7e/how_is_looking_up_your_symptoms_on_webmd_like/
%
What do you call a blonde with brains?

A golden retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oc73w/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_brains/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*gagging noises*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oc6uu/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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Some day Canada will rule the world.

Then you'll all be sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oc6d3/some_day_canada_will_rule_the_world/
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Time flies when your having fun. Unless, of course, you're a frog.

In that case, a fun time is when you're having flies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oc2s0/time_flies_when_your_having_fun_unless_of_course/
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Whats the difference between Taco Bell and a baby?

Eating a baby is a heinous deed, but eating Taco Bell makes your anus bleed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oc23u/whats_the_difference_between_taco_bell_and_a_baby/
%
I used to cry during sex

but now pepper spray doesn't affect me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oc1nv/i_used_to_cry_during_sex/
%
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obzkz/a_wife_got_so_mad_at_her_husband_she_packed_his/
%
Why did the baker have smelly fingers?

He kneaded a poo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obuhp/why_did_the_baker_have_smelly_fingers/
%
Every sixty seconds, in Africa

A minute passes. Together we can stop this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obu1b/every_sixty_seconds_in_africa/
%
The Coast Guard recently changed their minimum height requirements to 6'.

That way if the boat sinks everyone can just walk to shore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obtuo/the_coast_guard_recently_changed_their_minimum/
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I hate taking pictures at the beach...

They're always so grainy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obtdd/i_hate_taking_pictures_at_the_beach/
%
My parents told me "you are what you eat"

And thats why I don't eat vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obtd7/my_parents_told_me_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
What's the meaning of life?

No parole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obta9/whats_the_meaning_of_life/
%
My teacher told me to turn in my essay

But I ain't no snitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obt6l/my_teacher_told_me_to_turn_in_my_essay/
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An economics graduate student crosses the road.

An economics graduate student was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The student picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess. I'll stay with you for one week." The student takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it, and puts it back into his pocket.
Desperate, the frog then cries out, "what is the matter? I told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll be your girlfriend and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The grad student said, "Look, I'm an economist. I have no idea what it would be like to have a girlfriend. But a talking frog would be worth a Fortune."
(Found this on a friend's page and thought I'd repost it! I don't know where it's from originally considering he might have heard it from someone else.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obp4m/an_economics_graduate_student_crosses_the_road/
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Support Group

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people.
We haven't met yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obo9r/support_group/
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A chicken, a goose and a pheasant were sitting in a tavern drinking…

The chicken said, "How about we go back to my place and play strip poker?"
The goose nodded its head, the pheasant said "I'm game."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obmbz/a_chicken_a_goose_and_a_pheasant_were_sitting_in/
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A quick joke

The bartender said "We do not serve faster-than-light neutrinos at this bar."
A neutrino walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obl7f/a_quick_joke/
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Why did the priest not make the Vatican sprinting team?

He always comes in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obir5/why_did_the_priest_not_make_the_vatican_sprinting/
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What do you get when you put guacamole on a BLT?

An LGBT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obfdj/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_guacamole_on_a_blt/
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Jesus drove a Honda but never talked about it.

"For I did not speak of my own accord." -John 12:49

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obccm/jesus_drove_a_honda_but_never_talked_about_it/
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They told me to stop making chemistry jokes

But then I was like NaBrO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6obb0a/they_told_me_to_stop_making_chemistry_jokes/
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I'm sorry for this

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ob3gu/im_sorry_for_this/
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What kind of cigarette does a hippy smoke?

Yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ob0gl/what_kind_of_cigarette_does_a_hippy_smoke/
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A man says to his psychologist...

"I keep thinking about killing my wife. Sometimes,  I even mime out bashing her brains in with a brick"
"I'm absolutely certain that you're not capable of that" replied the psychologist.
"You're sure?"
"Yes, judging by what you've told me, she's far too hardheaded for that to work"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oayo4/a_man_says_to_his_psychologist/
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

The dad says, well son let me try and explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family so let's call me capitalism. Your mother she's the administrator of the money so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the people. The nanny we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother we'll call him the future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad had said. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked he peeks in the keyhole and finds his father sleeping with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning the little boy says to his father "dad I think I understand politics now." The father says "good son tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies while "well while capitalism is screwing the working class the government is sound asleep the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oaxdw/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks_what_is/
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An old lady visits her doctor

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this little problem with gas, I have a really poor digestion and really fart a lot. But it really doesn't bother me too much as my farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and don't make noise". The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oav55/an_old_lady_visits_her_doctor/
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time travel joke?

Wanna hear a

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oauhz/time_travel_joke/
%
An American, a British, and a Japanese walk through a forest. [long]

They come across a sign that reads, "Indian Sacred Burial Ground." The Japanese man warns the others to turn back, but the others insist on continuing their journey through the burial ground.
Soon enough, the men fall into a trap set by the Indians. As they tumble down into a hole, the chief appears, peering down at the travelers.
The Chief was seething with anger as he proclaimed, "You have trespassed upon our most sacred burial grounds. Tomorrow you shall be killed and turned into canoes."
The next day, The Chief reappeared more calm. He stated, "My apologies for my anger yesterday. You still must die, but I can allow you to choose how you perish."
The Japanese man asked for a sword. The British man asked for a gun. The American man asked for a fork. The Chief was puzzled with the request of a fork, but he gave the men the items.
The Japanese man screams, "For the Emperor!!" And he commits seppuku.
The British man shouts, "For the Queen!" And he shoots himself.
The American man stabs himself repeatedly, laughs and yells, "Try making a canoe out of this motherfuckers!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oat61/an_american_a_british_and_a_japanese_walk_through/
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TIL people with tiny hands can't use an oven or a range...

They can only microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oam8o/til_people_with_tiny_hands_cant_use_an_oven_or_a/
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If I recall correctly, in the mid 1900s, Albert Einstein proposed a new theory on space,

and it was about time, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oam71/if_i_recall_correctly_in_the_mid_1900s_albert/
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God said to John ' Come forth and i'll give you eternal life '.

John came 5th and got a toaster instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oalq6/god_said_to_john_come_forth_and_ill_give_you/
%
A dad is waiting with his shotgun for his daughters' dates to arrive...

A dad is waiting with his shotgun for his daughters' dates to arrive.
The doorbell rings and the father opens the door to the first young man who says "Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" Strange kid but harmless, thinks the dad, and he lets the boy in.
The doorbell rings again. The dad answers the door and the new young man says, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" The father lets him in.
The doorbell rings for the third time. When the father opens the door, the date says "Hi, I'm Chuck..." KABLAM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oal8b/a_dad_is_waiting_with_his_shotgun_for_his/
%
I heard that when a male bee has sex, it explodes and dies.

At least they go out with a bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oakqy/i_heard_that_when_a_male_bee_has_sex_it_explodes/
%
An 8 year old boy walks into his parents' room..

He finds that they are having sex, no covers on. He sees everything.  The boy runs away from the room, a little scared but mostly disgusted.
The dad yells 'Son, come back here!'
The boy comes back and the dad laughs, "soon enough you'll be doing this yourself, son."
The kid says "Really?!"
The father chuckles "Yes, you will. Your mother's getting tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oaczt/an_8_year_old_boy_walks_into_his_parents_room/
%
My girlfriends joke

Her: i had a crossword puzzle today that i couldnt get
Me: what was it?
Her: "an overworked postman"
Me: but how many letters?
Her: too many
Me: fuck.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oabvm/my_girlfriends_joke/
%
I don't approve of political jokes...

I've seen way too many of them get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oa8v2/i_dont_approve_of_political_jokes/
%
A guy walks into a bar.

Guy: "Hey, barkeeper, give me a beer."
Barkeeper: "Tell you what, if you can make that horse out there laugh, I will give you a free beer and $500."
So the guy walks outside and whispers to the horse. The horse laughs. The guy walks back in.
Guy: "Where's my $500 and free beer?"
Barkeeper: "Alright, double or nothing says you can't make that horse cry."
The guy walks outside again. The barkeep chuckles to himself as he's cleaning a glass and misses what the guy does, but he hears the horse crying. The guy comes back in.
Guy: "Alright, where's my $1000 and two free beers?"
Barkeeper: "What did you say to make the horse laugh?"
Guy : "I told him I have a bigger penis than him."
Barkeeper: "What did you do to make him cry?"
Guy: "I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oa4kp/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My dentist filled my cavity for me last week

But I have to admit, I didn't think my bum would still be this sore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oa2wt/my_dentist_filled_my_cavity_for_me_last_week/
%
I'm in a band called 1023 Megabytes.

We haven't made it to a gig yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oa0bv/im_in_a_band_called_1023_megabytes/
%
What is the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple doesn't cum on your face untill you're a teenager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6oa078/what_is_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a/
%
What do you get when you give a seal an extra electron?

A sealion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9zr5/what_do_you_get_when_you_give_a_seal_an_extra/
%
The German Dream

The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9vx9/the_german_dream/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates.

Fat people get through it quicker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9vik/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Just put my father's ashes in the bin.

I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9v05/just_put_my_fathers_ashes_in_the_bin/
%
Why Are There No Cats On Mars?

because Curiosity killed the cat
(im just bored in a lecture)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9u51/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
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I called the rape advice hotline the other day...

Turns out, it was meant for victims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9tqh/i_called_the_rape_advice_hotline_the_other_day/
%
How many cops does it take to push a minority down the stairs?

None, "He fell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9sj5/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_minority/
%
I sexually identify as a measure of kilometers per second

Because I really want to fucking KM/S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9rd7/i_sexually_identify_as_a_measure_of_kilometers/
%
What has 75 balls and fucks old ladys?

Bingo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9n8u/what_has_75_balls_and_fucks_old_ladys/
%
Government can hear what you say

but McDonald can't hear no pickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9izh/government_can_hear_what_you_say/
%
Why do Jews watch porn in reverse?

Because they like to see the hooker give the money back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9i22/why_do_jews_watch_porn_in_reverse/
%
How do mermaids give birth?

They get a sea section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9gcc/how_do_mermaids_give_birth/
%
90's kids won't get this 😂😂

Affordable housing prices

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9ez7/90s_kids_wont_get_this/
%
What do you call a man with three feet but only ten toes?

Blessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9dm5/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_three_feet_but_only/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9arp/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
I was flipping through my TV Guide and I saw a show called "Die Kardashians". I thought I had found a new favorite TV show...

Then I realized the channel was in German.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9aa1/i_was_flipping_through_my_tv_guide_and_i_saw_a/
%
What's the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o9829/whats_the_most_expensive_haircut/
%
The first time I had sex was alot like my first time riding a bike

My dad held me from behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o95wg/the_first_time_i_had_sex_was_alot_like_my_first/
%
Wet phone solution.

Person 1: If you drop your phone into some water, fill a bag with rice and put the phone in the bag and sit it on the kitchen bench overnight.
During the night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your broken electronics.
Person 2: Dude, that's not how it works. They would eat the rice too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o95qw/wet_phone_solution/
%
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I said that was impossible..

Because that would require 2 women to find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o949n/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating_i_said_that/
%
My brother-in-law, a retired farmer, collects antique tractors.

He has an entire barn full of them, absolutely amazing, not even any room to walk, and all in perfect working order. He confided in me the other day what his worst fear is. "A barn fire?" I asked. "No, not at all. I'm afraid that when I am gone, my wife will sell all my tractors for what I told her I paid for them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o92vy/my_brotherinlaw_a_retired_farmer_collects_antique/
%
I've been to jail five times and got raped twice

I'm starting to dislike playing Monopoly with my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o91rt/ive_been_to_jail_five_times_and_got_raped_twice/
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What should you do if your Wife tells you she has AIDS?

Act surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8zug/what_should_you_do_if_your_wife_tells_you_she_has/
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When I was born, I was given the choice of either having a huge dick or a perfect memory.

Unfortunately, I can't remember which one I picked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8xjh/when_i_was_born_i_was_given_the_choice_of_either/
%
9/11 victims are the fastest readers

They went through 90 stories in 10 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8wnb/911_victims_are_the_fastest_readers/
%
Two germans visit France in the early 50s

Two germans are visiting Paris in the early 50s. They want to order drinks, but they don't want to be thought of as germans, since it's post-WW2. So they practice their english accent for their order. Once it's ready, they go at the bar.
"Hello barman, may we have two martinis ?" asked one of the german.
"Dry ?" asked the barman.
"NEIN, ZWEI !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8w1g/two_germans_visit_france_in_the_early_50s/
%
Found out my midget wife was cheating on me.

That's when I knew I had to talk to her about her short cummings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8vxr/found_out_my_midget_wife_was_cheating_on_me/
%
Jobs that don't exist anymore

1. Steve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8vip/jobs_that_dont_exist_anymore/
%
A man gets pulled over by a cop

The cop goes up to the man's window and informs him that he appeared to be swerving a bit.
"Son I just need you to do a quick breathalyzer test."
"I can't do that, officer, I have severe asthma. If I blow into that tube, I could risk an attack."
"Alright, then just come down to the station and we'll do a blood test."
"I can't do that either, I'm a hemophiliac. Any puncture will end up bleeding for hours then I'll pass out."
"Okay, then step out of the car and we'll do a standard field sobriety tes-"
"Sorry, but I have a slight vitamin b12 deficiency, so I naturally shake while doing basic tasks, so the tests would be inconclusive."
"Well then just walk along in a straight line."
"I can't do that either"
"Why?"
"Because I'm drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8unj/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
%
What do you call a black person with a medical degree?

A doctor, you racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8tx2/what_do_you_call_a_black_person_with_a_medical/
%
Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8tap/girls_use_chemicals_to_remove_polish_and_no_one/
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Two Jewish kids are fighting, one throws ash on the other.

The other says:"Don't get your parents involved"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8qza/two_jewish_kids_are_fighting_one_throws_ash_on/
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What do you get when you mix human DNA and goat DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8qr1/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_human_dna_and_goat/
%
Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...

Asked him "why are you eating Grass?"
He said "I'm very hungry"
"Oh. Okay then. Come with me"
You should've seen the look on his face when I showed him my backyard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8phd/saw_a_homeless_man_eating_grass_in_the_park/
%
What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8oot/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
%
Curly hairs

I was a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point.
The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently, it's Africa .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8nbd/curly_hairs/
%
I almost got raped in jail today…

My family takes Monopoly way too seriously…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8mg7/i_almost_got_raped_in_jail_today/
%
Did anyone notice..

.. that the “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8m6s/did_anyone_notice/
%
An Economist went to a lingerie shop

to buy a bra for his wife.  While he proudly announced to the Salesgirl that he is an Economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase.
The smart Salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra?"
Of course, our Economist was intrigued and he asked, "What are they?"
Salesgirl : "Sir, capitalistic suppresses the masses, socialistic uplifts the downtrodden and democratic makes mountains out of molehills."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8kkp/an_economist_went_to_a_lingerie_shop/
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What do you call a group of deaf cows?

Deafinitely not a heard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8khd/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_deaf_cows/
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What was the score of the Ethiopian baseball game?

Eight-nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8izg/what_was_the_score_of_the_ethiopian_baseball_game/
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[Mild SPOILERS] Nice to see Arya Stark FINALLY get involved in the war...

She really jumped into the Frey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8iep/mild_spoilers_nice_to_see_arya_stark_finally_get/
%
Son: Dad, what does gay mean?

Dad: Gay means, happy, Dave
Son: So, are you gay dad ?
Dad: No son, I have a wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8f8b/son_dad_what_does_gay_mean/
%
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB

That was a trip down memory lane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8cw3/i_walked_down_a_street_where_the_houses_were/
%
My thoughts on polyamory?

It means fuck all to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o8cin/my_thoughts_on_polyamory/
%
"You da bomb!” “No, you da bomb!”

In America – a compliment.
In the Middle East – an argument

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o87nr/you_da_bomb_no_you_da_bomb/
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What do you call two self driving cars that just had sex?

Auto-mated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o870d/what_do_you_call_two_self_driving_cars_that_just/
%
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes his sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He asks, "how can you charge this much?! This is half my paycheck," but pays it anyway.
The plumber says, "Hey, we're looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just be sure to say you only made it to the 6th grade. They don't like educated people."
The professor takes the offer and becomes a plumber, tripling his salary. He doesn't even have work nearly as hard. But then, the company announces they'll be requiring their plumbers to get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class, so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula, when he realized he's forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is -π times the radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong, so he starts over, coming back to the same equation. After looking at the board for a while, he looks out to the other plumbers and sees they are all whispering, "switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o86dh/a_math_professor_john_is_having_problems_with_his/
%
Cowboys and Indians

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o82ae/cowboys_and_indians/
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What is the differance between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy and other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o81eh/what_is_the_differance_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
What's the difference between my Wife and a Battery?

The Battery has a Positive side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o80sb/whats_the_difference_between_my_wife_and_a_battery/
%
Why did the confused coke-head join the klan?

He thought they were saying "White Powder"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o809y/why_did_the_confused_cokehead_join_the_klan/
%
"How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o7z57/how_will_she_know_to_come_with_the_trailer_from/
%
What's the easiest way to fuck up your dishwasher?

Convince her to do tequila shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o7w7s/whats_the_easiest_way_to_fuck_up_your_dishwasher/
%
Why can't dyslexic people tell jokes?

Because they always punch up the fuckline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o7vbi/why_cant_dyslexic_people_tell_jokes/
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How to use “and” 5 times in a row grammatically

A man owned a store called “This And That” and hired another man to make a sign for it.
When it was finished the owner inspected the work.
He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, “The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o7ott/how_to_use_and_5_times_in_a_row_grammatically/
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Why can't black people get their PhDs?

They can't get past their masters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o7olu/why_cant_black_people_get_their_phds/
%
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o7nbx/in_a_murder_trial_the_defense_attorney_was/
%
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital...

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o7mx2/a_wealthy_hospital_benefactor_was_being_shown/
%
A crusty old man walks into a synagogue

and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this fucking congregation."
The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir.
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'
'Listen up, goddam it. I said I want to join this fucking congregation'
'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated here.'
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the rabbi's study to inform him of her situation.
The rabbi agrees that the secretary doesn't have to listen to such profanity.
They both return to her office and the rabbi asks the old man, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?'
'There is no fucking problem,' the man says.
'I just won $200 million in the god damn lottery and I want to join this fucking synagogue to get rid of some of this fucking money.'
'I see,' said the rabbi. 'And this fucking bitch is giving you a hard time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o7jfq/a_crusty_old_man_walks_into_a_synagogue/
%
What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit the Frog's fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o7ghl/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
%
Happy wife, happy life

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
*********
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
*********
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol pump
*********
My wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment.'
I replied, 'Your eyesight's perfect.'
*********
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I've not been in a long time."
So I took her to my parents house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o7biu/happy_wife_happy_life/
%
What I'd like to tell my password…

It's okay password, I'm insecure too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o7a6k/what_id_like_to_tell_my_password/
%
I'm a scientist studying the effects of beastiality between humans and dogs.

If you want to speak with me I'll be in my lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o7a5v/im_a_scientist_studying_the_effects_of/
%
Three moms are talking and having lunch together...

One mom had black hair, the next was brunette, and the third was blonde.
The black haired mom says "You guys won't believe what I found in my daughters room yesterday. A cigarette! I've never even smoked."
The brunette mom says "You won't believe what I found in *my* daughters room yesterday. Whiskey! I've never even drank."
The blonde mom says "Well guess what I found in *my* daughters room yesterday. A condom! I've never even had sex before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o79kj/three_moms_are_talking_and_having_lunch_together/
%
A Girl's Prayer

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, won't wait weeks.
I pray that he be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask, "how big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitching,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead.
Amen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o79hx/a_girls_prayer/
%
A man arrives home from work to see his mother-in-law being attacked...

... on the street outside his house by six men. He gets out of the car and watches for a second when his neighbour calls from the window "Hey, aren't you going to help?"
To which the man replies, "No, I think six is enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o73rc/a_man_arrives_home_from_work_to_see_his/
%
An alcoholic man promises his wife not to drink anymore...

**Just as a disclaimer**
I don't know whether this joke is original or not it was told to me by my grandfather and it's very possible he took the joke from someone but I can't really find out if he did or not.
The wife says 'I'm fed up with you going out and getting drunk every night, if you don't get clean I'll divorce you'
So naturally the man says 'of course okay I'll stop drinking'
Later that night - he's drinking again, in fact he was so drunk he threw up all over himself, the man doesn't know what to do he says 'oh shit my wife is gonna divorce me I promised her I wouldn't get drunk again!'
And another man sitting on a barstool replied, 'don't worry mate, just take a tenner, put it in your pocket and say someone else threw up on you and the money is for the dry cleaning'
'Oh shit thanks that's a good idea' the man replies, and proceeds to walk home to see his wife.
The wife opens the door and sees her husband in his state and immediately says 'alright that's it I'm divorcing you!' To which the man says
'Wait I can explain! A man threw up on me I wasn't drinking myself see look he gave me a tenner for the dry cleaning!' T
The man pulls out two ten pound notes.
'What's the other one for then?' The wife asks,
'That's for the guy that shit in my pants' the man replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o735f/an_alcoholic_man_promises_his_wife_not_to_drink/
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What’s the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Your mom can’t take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o7332/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_three/
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I'm very sensitive to sounds of a certain frequency.

When I hear them it hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o7271/im_very_sensitive_to_sounds_of_a_certain_frequency/
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My neighbors are listening to some great music!

Whether they like it or not....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o71z7/my_neighbors_are_listening_to_some_great_music/
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What do you call a computer that says "Hello" when you turn it on?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6vx9/what_do_you_call_a_computer_that_says_hello_when/
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So a woman wakes up one night to the sound of breaking glass.

She looks out the window and is shocked to see three men breaking into her garage. Quietly, she calls 911.
"911, what's your emergency?"
"Some men are breaking into my shed."
"Alright, sit tight. No officers are available now, but we'll send someone as soon as we can" the operator says and hangs up. The woman watches helplessly as the men rummage about her garage, piling up all her valuables to carry off. Suddenly, she gets an idea. She picks up the phone and calls 911 again.
"911, what's your emergency?"
"Hello, yes, I called earlier about some men breaking into my garage?"
"Ma'am, I already told you. Nobody's available right now but if..."
"Oh, it's okay. You don't have to send anyone. I shot them all."
Within five minutes, four police cars, a paddy wagon, a helicopter, and a SWAT van all close in on the area, catching the bandits red-handed. The Chief of Police arrives to take the report from the woman, and as he's walking away, he turns and comments
"One more thing. I thought you shot the men?"
"Yeah," she responds, "Well I thought no officers were available right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6uuw/so_a_woman_wakes_up_one_night_to_the_sound_of/
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Why do you never see a hippopotimus hiding in a tree?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6sas/why_do_you_never_see_a_hippopotimus_hiding_in_a/
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An insecure farmer didn't know how many cows he owned...

...so he counted them all, and came to the total of 196 cows. He asked a neighbouring farmer for a second opinion. She came up with a total of 200 cows.
Perplexed by this, the man counted again, and once again came up with 196 cows. He once again asked his neighbour to count them. Again, she reached 200 cows. When he asked her how they were getting different numbers, she said
"I rounded them up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6s0u/an_insecure_farmer_didnt_know_how_many_cows_he/
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Why did the English teacher assault his dumb student?

He was hoping for a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6qkq/why_did_the_english_teacher_assault_his_dumb/
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Are You Moses ?

Recently while going through a Mideastern airport during one of his many trips, George Bush encountered a man with silver hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man didn't answer and just kept staring ahead.
Again bush said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just kept staring ahead, never answering him.
Soon a secret service agent came along and Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with him.
"Well," said bush, "Every time I call his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak.
The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6q7r/are_you_moses/
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I like my women how I like my coffee

Fair trade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6mzt/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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What's the worst part about giving a magician a blowjob?

Spitting out all the scarves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6l1q/whats_the_worst_part_about_giving_a_magician_a/
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A man asks his wife "How many times have you cheated on me?"

A old man asks his dying wife "How many times have you cheated on me?"
She says, "When you get to heaven, come and find me. I will twirl around as many times as I have cheated on you."
The man agrees and the wife passes away a short while later. Years later when the man is sent to heaven, he walks into the lobby between hell and heaven. He looks everywhere but cannot find his wife.
He asks the security angel, "Have you seen my wife? She said she would twirl around when she saw me."
The man points up at the ceiling and says, "Your wife has become the ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6ih1/a_man_asks_his_wife_how_many_times_have_you/
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A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...

She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.
"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.
"no" he replies: "I go to the sperm bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".
A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The guy asks: " Off to the blood bank again?"
The blonde just  shakes her head and says :" Mmm-Mmm"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6hgk/a_blonde_goes_to_a_blood_bank_to_earn_a_little/
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Swimming pool tips

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6gw1/swimming_pool_tips/
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What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

A woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6fsm/what_gets_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
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Knock knock!

"Who is that?"
"Its Hatch"
"Hatch who?"
"Bless u"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6e85/knock_knock/
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I like my women how I like my coffee

Not fucking cheating on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6bt9/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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My preferred method for making liquor involves using my rectum.

It's a little unconventional, butt still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6abb/my_preferred_method_for_making_liquor_involves/
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Three drunk guys enter a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money and the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?".
The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o69qr/three_drunk_guys_enter_a_taxi/
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I wish teachers would stop putting so much emphasis on vocab tests

So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means. Its not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o68ri/i_wish_teachers_would_stop_putting_so_much/
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SpaceX to launch ten cows up into orbit

It'll be the herd shot around the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o648y/spacex_to_launch_ten_cows_up_into_orbit/
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The Romans executed tens of thousands by crucifixion, and...

you're just gonna assume the guy on my necklace is Jesus?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o648b/the_romans_executed_tens_of_thousands_by/
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Pre school teacher : Your child said a bad word in class...

Parent : Where the fuck did he learn that ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o63lc/pre_school_teacher_your_child_said_a_bad_word_in/
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...And That's When I Lost It.

I rear-ended a midget the other day with my car. I didn't know he was a midget when I ran into him. I got out to apologize, expecting a normal size driver, and when I saw the midget climb out of his car and start walking back toward me with his grumpy face, I just about lost it. I can't help it, I laugh when I'm nervous, and he just looked so funny marching back toward me.
&nbsp;
So anyways, I'm doing everything I can to avoid cracking up because I know it's only going to make it worse if I start laughing at him after I've already dented his car. Well he looks at me with a very stern face and he can tell I'm not taking him very seriously.
&nbsp;
"There's nothing funny about this." He said.
&nbsp;
"I know." I replied.
&nbsp;
"I'm not happy." He stated.
&nbsp;
"Well then which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o62dk/and_thats_when_i_lost_it/
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What's it called when an Adult Swim exec's body freezes up after death?

Rickor Mortys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o6148/whats_it_called_when_an_adult_swim_execs_body/
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a Jewish kid asks his dad for 50 dollars

The dad replies. "50 dollars? Jesus Christ 40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o5zx3/a_jewish_kid_asks_his_dad_for_50_dollars/
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What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o5w0o/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_jimmy_fallon/
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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o5vm8/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
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A shrinking man rushes to the doctor's office.

The shrinking man skips ahead of everyone waiting and pleas "Doctor! Doctor! I need help, I'm shrinking!"
Then the doctor replies, "well then you'll just have to be a little patient."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o5uum/a_shrinking_man_rushes_to_the_doctors_office/
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What do you call a janitor who smokes weed?

High maintenance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o5pho/what_do_you_call_a_janitor_who_smokes_weed/
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How does a radical muslim clean themselves?

A bath bomb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o5okm/how_does_a_radical_muslim_clean_themselves/
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Little Johnny comes home from school

He says to his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" the father asks.
"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9x7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "
"What is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, Johnny comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
Johnny explains, "Well, we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'The fuck am I suppose to do, stand on my dick!?'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, Little Johnny asks his father "Did you go to the school?"
"No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" asks the father.
"That's what I asked!" said Little Johnny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o5o4p/little_johnny_comes_home_from_school/
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Did you here about the cow that got taken away?

[Remooved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o5kyb/did_you_here_about_the_cow_that_got_taken_away/
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[Long] r/jokes these days is just like men comparing their dicks these days

They don't know what long means

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o5j3c/long_rjokes_these_days_is_just_like_men_comparing/
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A guy was checking out at a supermarket with an attractive young clerk.

She scanned the frozen dinners, the beer, the ramen noodles and kept giving him eyes in between each scan.
As she scanned the condoms she looks and him and says, "Single huh?"
He replies, "yea, how'd you know?"
She says, "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o5iu1/a_guy_was_checking_out_at_a_supermarket_with_an/
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I'm not passive aggressive

Unlike some people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o5etu/im_not_passive_aggressive/
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I never understood when my wife said I'm like an Olympian in bed.

How the fuck do I come third?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o59u7/i_never_understood_when_my_wife_said_im_like_an/
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The girls in my computer science class are like the matrix

All you see is a bunch of ones and zeroes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o567v/the_girls_in_my_computer_science_class_are_like/
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I don't like trying to contact our unborn child.

But my wife gets a kick out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o54bx/i_dont_like_trying_to_contact_our_unborn_child/
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A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day

and asks his father, "daddy am I more Jewish or more black?" The dad replies "why do you want to know son?" "Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o52q9/a_black_jewish_boy_runs_home_from_school_one_day/
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Some engineers were arguing about God.

One says, "God was clearly a mechanical engineer. Just look at the structure of the bones, how they're shaped to carry their loads without wasted weight, how the joints interlock to give free movement, how the muscles are optimally placed as actuators with the best leverage."
The second replies, "But all that would do nothing without nerve impulses. A whole network carrying electrical signals, with feedback loops to control it. And don't even get me started on the brain. God was obviously an electrical engineer."
The third says, "None of that would work without chemistry. The electrical signals get interpreted to make compounds that diffuse across the synapses. The muscles rely on proteins that contract. The bones get made by just the right minerals in just the right places. And the whole thing is powered by oxidation reactions with glucose. God is the greatest chemical engineer there ever was."
The fourth says, "We'd just be dumb animals if it wasn't for our minds. God was a software engineer. The image processing algorithms, the memory storage and retrieval, the decision-making logic. We even need to shut down every night and boot up again in the morning!"
Then the fifth one speaks up. "You're all wrong. God was definitely a civil engineer."
"Why, because the blood vessels are like a road network?" the others ask.
"No," the fifth engineer replies, "Because who else but a civil engineer would put a toxic waste line through a recreational area."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o51cr/some_engineers_were_arguing_about_god/
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A guy walks into a library

And asks for a burger and fries, the librarian replies
"Sir this is a library"
And so the man responds
*whispering*
"Id like a burger and fries please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o50j3/a_guy_walks_into_a_library/
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Big Italian guy making dough

So I'm in a pizza shop/italian bakery. Like a legit mom and pop old country kind of place. While I'm waiting for my pie I notice a large, sweaty italian man which an exceptionally hairy chest poking out of his wife beater. He is spinning some dough when all of a sudden he slips and instead of catching it, the dough lands on his chest and he peels it off his sweaty hairy pectorals.
He goes back to spinning the dough and I say hey you're not going to use that are you? He says, yeah itll go in the oven and the germs will die. I tell him to get me his manager. I explain what happened and the manager looks at me and says "that ain't nuttin! you should see when hes making donuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o502q/big_italian_guy_making_dough/
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A spy, an adulterer, and a guy who launders money for the Russian mob walk into a bar...

The bartender says "What'll it be, Mr. President?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o500n/a_spy_an_adulterer_and_a_guy_who_launders_money/
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A 17 in blackjack is like a mother in law

Sometimes you want to hit it, but it's probably smarter not to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4zeg/a_17_in_blackjack_is_like_a_mother_in_law/
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Hey girl, are you a beaver?

Cause damn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4zc7/hey_girl_are_you_a_beaver/
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Three old women are commiserating...

Myrtle, Edith and Bertha are sitting around commiserating about the pitfalls of old age. Myrtle says, "The other day, I was in the bathroom with one leg in the tub, and I couldn't remember if I was stepping in or stepping out!". Then Edith chimes in, "Well that's nothing! The other day I was at the bottom of the stairs and I didn't know if I was going up or had just come down!". Bertha looks at both of them and chuckles. "Well, I don't have any of these problems, knock on wood!" she leans over and knocks on the wood of the coffee table, and a moment later calls out, "Yes?! Who is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4z21/three_old_women_are_commiserating/
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Autocorrect...

The First Text Message
Dear John, this is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
The Response
John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and went out into the garden for some fresh air. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.
The Second Text Message
Hi John,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to ˜Wife”. Technology hey?? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4xhe/autocorrect/
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I like women like I like my coffee.

Spilling out of their cups.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4x3m/i_like_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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What kind of car is bad for a kid with ADD?

A Ford Focus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4wv4/what_kind_of_car_is_bad_for_a_kid_with_add/
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What would Martin Luther King Jr. be if he was white?

Alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4sh8/what_would_martin_luther_king_jr_be_if_he_was/
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Hey girl, you remind me of an unbalanced ladder.

I can't fucking stand you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4sgq/hey_girl_you_remind_me_of_an_unbalanced_ladder/
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Most people won't get this...

Respect from their parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4qzr/most_people_wont_get_this/
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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4okd/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
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What do you call a gay person in a coma?

A tomato.
Because they are both a fruit and a vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4mnd/what_do_you_call_a_gay_person_in_a_coma/
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Ever get caught staring at a wall?

You know what i mean, you're walking down the street, just looking for something to do, and you come across that one brick house that looks beat down. You think to yourself "Hey, I bet one of those bricks will fall today", and you go up to it, and begin grilling down on it, trying to guess exactly which brick will fall.
And then you hear it, the sound of 2 unstable bricks scratching each other, and you have a long discussion to yourself which will fall first. Like, you see that one brick tilting more downwards than the other, but then again the other is shaking slightly. Finally, you make a decision, and try to force that brick to fall with your mind, or you just blow on it, hoping you will win. "C'mon son, I know you can do it, just fall and beat your rival, Adam!"
And when Adam falls down, you switch sides automatically. Bashing down on your son, "You are a disappointment to me Ryan, why couldn't you just fall down and beat Adam. Look at him, he's a natural at this. I have disowned you, and you mean nothing to me". Then you hear a slight whistle above you, and look up to see whats going on.
Oh look, a brick in the air, just sitting there. Wait a minute, why is it growing? "Adam, are you coming to embrace your parent? You are the best brick I have ever seen, Adam, give me a hug." And then you come back to your senses and wonder why exactly that brick is growing by the second? Could it be that Adam is really coming to embrace you, or does he just need to stop eating mortar? You think over it for a few seconds, trying to find a logical solution to this magic. And then it hits you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4m1t/ever_get_caught_staring_at_a_wall/
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Why does a fighting fish keep its eyes open?

So it can sea anenome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4m0w/why_does_a_fighting_fish_keep_its_eyes_open/
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A man is cleaning out his house and finds a pile of old New York Post papers.

He decides he doesn't have any use for them, and goes to the local recycling center to dispose of them.
He sees the first recycling bin, marked "Glass". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."
He sees the second recycling bin, marked "Plastic". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."
He sees the third recycling bin, marked "Paper". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."
He sees the fourth recycling bin. marked "r/Jokes". The man says,
"Oh, finally. Somewhere I can recycle all my old Posts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4li7/a_man_is_cleaning_out_his_house_and_finds_a_pile/
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A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing [long]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2017 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry, sir we’ll find your truck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4if7/a_husband_went_to_the_sheriffs_department_to/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders 11 shots of tequila, the bartender asks
"oh, is there an occasion for this?"
The man says "I had my first blow job"
Bartender says "well in that case I'll give you another on the house!"
The man replies "no thanks, if 11 don't get the taste out of my mouth then nothing will"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4hki/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What kind of deer likes pickles?

A dill doe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4eok/what_kind_of_deer_likes_pickles/
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My daughter has got to the age where she ask embarrassing questions about sex

Such as today when she asked "Is that the best you can do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4enu/my_daughter_has_got_to_the_age_where_she_ask/
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I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail

I sent it right back, way too expensive and really bad quality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4em6/i_just_got_a_photo_from_a_speeding_camera_through/
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Farting in a elevator

Its wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o4c8t/farting_in_a_elevator/
%
Did you know unvaccinated children are less likely to have autism?

Cause they are more likely to be dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o469l/did_you_know_unvaccinated_children_are_less/
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What did the biscuit say when he fell off the shelf?

Oh Crumbs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o3uvb/what_did_the_biscuit_say_when_he_fell_off_the/
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If you're looking for a job, get trained in horticulture

It's a growing industry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o3sg1/if_youre_looking_for_a_job_get_trained_in/
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Once Viagra's patent expires....

There's gonna be stiff competition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o3ntm/once_viagras_patent_expires/
%
For all the people talking completely overblowing the net neutrality issue, I just want to say

THIS IS A PREMIUM JOKE
--------------------------
IN ORDER TO VIEW THIS JOKE
CONTACT YOUR ISP TO
UPGRADE YOUR SERVICE
Starting at just:    $60.00/month

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o3mlr/for_all_the_people_talking_completely_overblowing/
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We asked 100 women what is your favorite shampoo to use in the shower...

The number one response was "you people need to get the hell out of my shower."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o3j3w/we_asked_100_women_what_is_your_favorite_shampoo/
%
If you ever get cold in your house try standing in a corner

They are usually around 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o3dl6/if_you_ever_get_cold_in_your_house_try_standing/
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New study shows bodies found from the Bermuda Triangle all died from heat exhaustion...

...everyone knows its 180 degrees inside a triangle, I don't know why people even bother traveling through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o37m2/new_study_shows_bodies_found_from_the_bermuda/
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A buffalo hunter and a Native American guide

One day when they were hunting the guide stopped, put his ear to the ground and listened, then said "Buffalo come"
The hunter asked "How can you tell"
The guide replied "Ear sticky"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o36tx/a_buffalo_hunter_and_a_native_american_guide/
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I may have Alzheimer's...

...but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o35ox/i_may_have_alzheimers/
%
A Chinese doctor opens his own clinic

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside :
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o358c/a_chinese_doctor_opens_his_own_clinic/
%
Why do women throw underwear at guitarists at concerts?

Just in case their G-string breaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o33rc/why_do_women_throw_underwear_at_guitarists_at/
%
My birthday was last week

My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!"
I felt so special.
She asked me out to lunch.
After lunch she invited me to her apartment.
When we got there, she asked, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay," I replied.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, and all my colleagues as they yelled "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa.. naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o2xag/my_birthday_was_last_week/
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A guy goes to see a psychiatrist

He says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I work in a deli, and all day long all I can think about is sticking my dick in the pickle slicer. I don't know how much longer I can keep from doing it."
The Doctor says, "My God, that's terrible. You must continue to fight this self destructive urge. Together, with proper therapy, I believe we can rid you of this compulsion."
Guy says, "That's great, doc. Her husband would kill us both with his bare hands if he found out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o2vwv/a_guy_goes_to_see_a_psychiatrist/
%
Children are like farts

The best are the silent ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o2qe2/children_are_like_farts/
%
I put a bunch of X and Y chromosomes into a blender, and made a liquid of them.

It's genderfluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o2pvq/i_put_a_bunch_of_x_and_y_chromosomes_into_a/
%
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her that she was starting to sound like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o2js6/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
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The dwarf

This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.
The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o2jcb/the_dwarf/
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Three samurai warriors where discussing who was the master of the sword...

As the debate heated up a fly is flying around the room.
The first samurai quickly draws his sword and chops it in two, the other two are not impressed. Another fly enters the room. The second samurai even faster than the first swing his sword and chops the wings off and the fly continues on. A third fly unfortunately finds its way in the room. Quick as lightning the third samurai draws his sword and swings. The fly continues on its way as if nothing happened. The other samurais starts laughing. With quiet dignity he puts his sword away and turns to the and says.
"Laugh all you will, but that fly will never be a dad again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o2ilm/three_samurai_warriors_where_discussing_who_was/
%
The man and the monks.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
Sidebar: I'm pretty sure I've haven't seen this yet in Reddit so enjoy:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o2i1u/the_man_and_the_monks/
%
A man is drowning near a beach

A small boat approaches, and a man asked  :" Do you need help?".
The other answer: " No, God will save us." .
So the boat go away, but they have remorse, so they come back and ask once again. But the answer was the same.
This happens once more, before the boat go away for good.
Then the man, too tired, finally drown and die.
He go to heaven, and ask God : "Why you don't save me?"
God answers : " I send the boat 3 times in a row, what more could I have done?"
Credit to grandma, sorry for any mistake in the translation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o2hre/a_man_is_drowning_near_a_beach/
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Typical White Man

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.
The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back.
The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o2bnv/typical_white_man/
%
What do you get if you cross a porcupine with a balloon?

*Pop*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o2bjp/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_porcupine_with_a/
%
A woman goes on a vacation by herself to a beach resort in Kenya.

She takes up sailing with this very handsome young instructor and sparks are soon flying between the two. The inevitable happened and the sailing instructor spent every single night in the woman's hotel room making passionate love to her.
On her last day the woman says to the instructor: "It's really strange, we've been together all that time and I forgot to ask your name."
"Snow", says the instructor.
The woman starts laughing.
"What's so funny?", says the instructor.
"Wait 'til I tell all my friends that I got nine inches of snow every day while I was in Kenya!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o2b3c/a_woman_goes_on_a_vacation_by_herself_to_a_beach/
%
The CIA wanted to send a spy to the Soviet Union

and the spy that was selected had incredible qualifications. He was fluent in Russian, had perfect Cyrillic handwriting, had a vast knowledge of Soviet culture and mannerisms, could cook typical Soviet meals, and could keep up his act with a belly full of vodka.
The mission was long-term infiltration of the Kremlin.
The spy was dropped in a remote village where he approached a man and said, in perfect Russian, "Hello comrade, can you please tell me which direction is Moscow?"
The man looked at him, and walked inside.  Within minutes, the KGB was swarming the village and arresting the spy.
While being interrogated, the KBG officials said "Quit the act, we know you are an American spy."  The spy was baffled they (especially the man in the village) were able to tell so quickly, but tried to keep up the act for as long as he could.
When he finally cracked, he said "Alright, alright, I'm a spy. I will tell you whatever you want, but please just tell me how you knew I was a spy because I devoted my whole life to perfecting my Soviet character."
The official said "You're black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o2a3u/the_cia_wanted_to_send_a_spy_to_the_soviet_union/
%
(LONG) A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida ..

..and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o296f/long_a_young_guy_from_nebraska_moves_to_florida/
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Bono has released a protest song against Google

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o2775/bono_has_released_a_protest_song_against_google/
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I really must get some glasses....

Today I walked into a brothel instead of a barbers!
I asked for a number 2 all over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o23x5/i_really_must_get_some_glasses/
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What do you call children who are born into whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o1zhr/what_do_you_call_children_who_are_born_into/
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The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers.

At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o1x1g/the_police_caught_a_serial_killer_who_targeted/
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At a wedding reception I attended, some one said, "Gentlemen, please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o1tje/at_a_wedding_reception_i_attended_some_one_said/
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When people of the internet make chicken Parmesan, what do they do to the chicken?

They Breddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o1re8/when_people_of_the_internet_make_chicken_parmesan/
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What's red and caused horror among Game of Thrones fans?

Ed Sheeran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o1obu/whats_red_and_caused_horror_among_game_of_thrones/
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My Doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex...

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o1nxp/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_daily_sex/
%
You know what the definition of "trust" is?

Two cannibals sucking each other's dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o1mvd/you_know_what_the_definition_of_trust_is/
%
Communism Jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o1mmy/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Why God created the man in the form he is?

When God created the donkey and told him:
\- You're gonna be working all day long and you'll carry the heaviest loads on your back. You'll eat grass and you won't be so smart. You'll live 50 years.
Then the donkey said:
\- 50 years of the kind of life and suffering is a lot. Give me only 30 years.
And that went well.
Then God created the dog and told him:
\- You're a dog and for that you're going to protect the human and be his best friend. You'll eat the human's leftovers and you'll live 25 years.
Then the dog said:
\- God, I can't survive 25 years of the kind of life. Give me only 10 years.
And that went well.
Then God created the monkey and told him:
\- You'll jump from a tree to another, you'll act like crazy. You'll act like a fool and you'll live 20 years.
Then the monkey said:
\- God, 20 years of being a fool is a lot. Give me only 10 years.
And that went well.
Finally God created the human and told him:
\- You're a man. The only rational creature that exists on earth. You'll use your brain and rationality to rule and govern the other creatures. You'll rule the world and you'll live 20 years.
Then the man said:
\- God, being a man for only 20 years is not enough. Please give me the 20 years that were rejected by the donkey, the 15 years that were rejected by the dog amd the 10 years that were rejected by the monkey.
And that went well.
Since then the man lives 20 years as a human, then he gets married and works 20 years as donkey and all day long he carries the load of the family. Then he has kids and lives 15 years as a dog, he protects the house and his family, eating only the leftovers from his family. And when he gets old he lives 10 years as a crazy fool and acts like a monkey to his grandchildren.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o1gp8/why_god_created_the_man_in_the_form_he_is/
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o1cxx/politicians_and_diapers_have_one_thing_in_common/
%
Little Johnny's teacher asks,

"George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o1bw1/little_johnnys_teacher_asks/
%
The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.

One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o18aq/the_reverend_john_fuzz_was_a_pastor_of_a_small/
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Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and go seek.

it's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.Pascle runs off and hides. Newton draws a one metre by one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! i found you! You are it!"
Newton Smiles and says "You didn't find me, you found a newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o17o1/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_playing_hide_and/
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Probably the shittiest dad joke I've ever heard

Mom: honey, the can opener is broken, can you help me?
Dad: guess you can call it a can't opener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o14sx/probably_the_shittiest_dad_joke_ive_ever_heard/
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A man went to visit the doctor because his arm was hurting.

“Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?” the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
“Hello, Doctor,” says the arm. “Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate!”
“Aha!” says the doctor. ”I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o0pad/a_man_went_to_visit_the_doctor_because_his_arm/
%
A woman was at home when she hears someone knocking on her door

She goes to the door and opens it and sees a man standing there
That man asks her,
"Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door, disgusted.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question,
"Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in his face again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband thinks for a second and tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
"Honey, I'll take tomorrow off and stay home just in case this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whisper,
"Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
"Do you have vagina?"
"Yes, actually I have one," she answers
So the man replies..
"Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o0npj/a_woman_was_at_home_when_she_hears_someone/
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How do reavers clean their spears?

They put them through the Wash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o0muf/how_do_reavers_clean_their_spears/
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Trump in Chicago

Donald Trump decides to visit Chicago. He wants to get a few photo ops, so he can later post them on Twitter and show how he and his policies "helping the community get back on its feet."
But when he gets to the South Side, he notices that the streets are completely empty. Finding that odd, since he'd called the media ahead of time and told them to announce where he'd be going, Trump gets out of his limo and takes aside one of his Secret Service guys.
"You," he says, "the people haven't come out to see me. I want you to shoot your gun in the air. That should tell people to come out."
The agent, not wanting to disobey the his boss, shoots his gun. Still no one comes out. So Trump orders the agent to do it again, which the man does.
At that, a second floor window opens up, and a man sticks his head out. Without looking down, he yells across the street,
"YO, What the fuck is goin on?"
Across the street, another second floor window opens, a woman sticks her head out, and yells back "Didn't you hear? Trump's in town and he's here on the South Side."
The man yells back "So what? The first shot missed?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o0mo7/trump_in_chicago/
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Cops have released a statement on the discovery of "Glory Hole" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house.

Police are looking into it.
And are preparing a probing investigation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o0lgo/cops_have_released_a_statement_on_the_discovery/
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Diesel Fitter

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Boudreaux answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."
The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Thibodeaux was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week.
When Boudreaux found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What SKILL?" yelled Boudreaux. "I sew the elastic on da panties, Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and says: "Yeah, diesel fitter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o0kfz/diesel_fitter/
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Japanese Golfer

Was rereading Harry Potter Book 2 and got to the Japanese Golfer joke line. Googled it. Enjoy, r/Jokes.
An American, a German and a Japanese man are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left pinky finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says "Oh, that's the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my pinky finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff, eh?" They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna inserted in my spine. The wonders of German know-how!" At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese man disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over to peek into the bushes. There they found the Japanese man, squatting with his pants down around his ankles. "What on earth are you doing?!" asked the American. The Japanese fellow looked up and without pause, replied "Waiting for a fax"
credit to a few people on r/HarryPotter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o0hhh/japanese_golfer/
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Why do Cows have hooves?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o0g9t/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
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Nervous about watching new Game of Thrones with my parents, due to all the sex.

Hopefully if I turn the volume up loud I won't hear them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o0frr/nervous_about_watching_new_game_of_thrones_with/
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How do you tittilate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o0dzg/how_do_you_tittilate_an_ocelot/
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3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o0crr/3_spies_from_england_france_and_italy_were_sent/
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Tom finally decided to tie the knot...

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.  His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.  You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection, golf clubs, and that stupid vintage Harley.
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied: “I wasn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o0asv/tom_finally_decided_to_tie_the_knot/
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In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o06t7/in_1939_an_unusual_farm_animal_named_gertrude/
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My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o05kw/my_girlfriend_kept_telling_me_to_treat_her_like_a/
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Do you have ice tea?

(In Turkish, we dont say ice tea but cold tea for ice tea.)
A man walks into a bar and says
MAN:do you have cold tea?
BARTENDER:We dont have cold tea.
Then he exits but comes again after a day.
MAN:Do you have cold tea?
BARTENDER:We dont have cold tea.
Then he comes again tomorrow.
MAN:Do you have cold tea?
BARTENDER:Sir, im saying we dont have cold tea and you keep coming.
But Man walks away without saying anything and he keeps coming everyday and same conversation happens everyday.
But one day Bartender decides to get some cold tea.
Then tomorrow, man comes again and same conversation happens but this time bartender says BARTENDER:Yes, i got some cold tea for you
MAN:Good, warm it up so i can drink it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o04dv/do_you_have_ice_tea/
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A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?". I happily replied "Yes"

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o044z/a_girl_in_a_restaurant_asked_me_are_you_single_i/
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A young priest begging his work at the church meets an unexpected issue

The people confess their sins to the priest and the priest tells how to repent, what prayers to say, etc. Fortunately for the young priest, the former one left a book with written on it the sins and the corresponding repentances to give to the sinners.
But one day a young woman comes in and confesses that she can't help herself but suck every man in town. She asks what to do to repent. The young priest has no answer for that on the book, so he goes to a chorus boy and asks him: "what did the former priest give for blowjobs?" The chorus boy replies "depends. Usually candy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6o00st/a_young_priest_begging_his_work_at_the_church/
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What's the difference between a Feminist and a Pencil?

A pencil has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nzy9w/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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What do you call numbers with boobs?

Quan*titties*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nzxpn/what_do_you_call_numbers_with_boobs/
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The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.
I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nzxot/the_salt_packet_says_it_was_created_from_a_250/
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What do you call a man with an arrow through his neck?

An ambulance you heartless bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nzxl7/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_an_arrow_through_his/
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There's an incest competition in my town this weekend.

I'm going to enter my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nzugf/theres_an_incest_competition_in_my_town_this/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and a Irishman are captured by Isis.

The executioner lines the men in a row and says that each of them can have one final wish. He starts by asking the Irishman what his wish is.
"My wish is to have 1000 Irish tap dancers tapping during my execution."
"Granted." The executioner replied and then proceeded to ask the Scotsman his wish.
"My wish is to have 1000 Scotsman playing the bag pipes during my execution."
"Granted." Replied the executioner, and went on to ask the Welsh man.
"My wish is to have 1000 Welshman singing Land of my Farther during my execution."
"Granted." Said the executioner, before finally asking the English man what his final wish was to be.
"Kill me first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nzu09/an_englishman_a_scotsman_a_welshman_and_a/
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Knock Knock

>Who's there?
Nobel
>Nobel who?
No bell. That's why I knocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nztn7/knock_knock/
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I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants…

But he’s not buying it.
In fact, he’s still making fun of me…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nzsvb/i_tried_to_explain_to_my_fouryearold_son_that_its/
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Pokémon Go

Yesterday evening my little brother came home all sad and angry. I asked him what happened and apparently a group of kids was mad at him because he beat their gym at the park nearby.
“Don’t you dare to come here ever again or we’ll beat you down!” they threatened.
I took my phone and went to the park… they immediately came near me all surprised “Wow, you’re all grown up and still play Pokémon! What’s your team??”
“Team Rocket” I said.
I beat them down and stole their phones. Selling a Samsung S4, two S5 mini and an iPhone 6. Pm me if interested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nzhpz/pokémon_go/
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A Midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass

. The Madam says to him, "What can we do for you?"
And midget says, " I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me."
The Madam asks, "Whatever for? And what's the deal with the honeycomb and the jackass?"
To which the midget says, "My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb."
"The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the lands, so he gave her this damn donkey."
The Madam asks, "And what about the third wish?"
To which the midget says, "She asked the genie to make my dick hang down past my knee."
"Well that one doesn't seem so bad, eh?" Says the Madam.
The midget responds, "Not so bad?!? I used to be 6'3.""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nzgum/a_midget_walks_into_a_brothel_with_a_honeycomb/
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I have Kleptomania.

But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nzg9j/i_have_kleptomania/
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I had a job as a can crusher but I had to quit

That job was just soda-pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nze0n/i_had_a_job_as_a_can_crusher_but_i_had_to_quit/
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Don't cough

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nz9et/dont_cough/
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Lie Detecting Robot

John was a salesman’s’ delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. “Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John. “Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. “Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.” “We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie..” said Tommy. “What did you watch?” asked Marsha. “The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy.. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched an Adult Movie.”
“I am ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.” The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy.After all, He is your son!” With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nz9az/lie_detecting_robot/
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Smart Pills

One day, Paddy and Mick were walking through the Woods when they saw some Rabbit Shit.
Paddy said: "What's That"..?? "'They're Smart Pills," says Mick "Eat them and they'll make you smarter"..
So Paddy ate them and said: "Jeez. They taste like Shit".. "See," says Mick, "You're getting fucking smarter already.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nz8j5/smart_pills/
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I've put the money attracting talisman my gf gave me on the dashboard of my car

I had a head-on with an armored bank truck the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nz5zd/ive_put_the_money_attracting_talisman_my_gf_gave/
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Hit a rooster

A traveling salesman was driving through farm country.  He took his eye off the road for a second, then all of a sudden "WHAM!" -- he ran over a rooster crossing the road.
He stopped the car, got out, confirmed the rooster was dead, and saw a nearby farmhouse.  He drove up to the house, knocked on the door, and an old farmer answered.  The salesman said, "I was driving past and I think I accidentally ran over your rooster.  I'm terribly sorry, but I'm more than willing to replace him."
The farmer looked puzzled for a minute, and finally shrugged his shoulders and said "Suit yourself.  The hens are around the back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nz49w/hit_a_rooster/
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Game of Thrones is really getting out of hand...

Even websites are dying in the new season.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nz343/game_of_thrones_is_really_getting_out_of_hand/
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"Wow! Are you kidding?"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nz1rl/wow_are_you_kidding/
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Socrates the philosopher

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me Id like you to pass a little test. Its called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"Thats right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes lets take a moment to filter what youre going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you dont really know if its true or not. Now lets try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though youre not certain its true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nyyk4/socrates_the_philosopher/
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Who do you hang out with, a strawberry, a celery stick or a mushroom?

The mushroom because he's a fungi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nyv4k/who_do_you_hang_out_with_a_strawberry_a_celery/
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A man comes home drunk late at night.

He hears his cuckoo clock strike four a.m.
Vaguely remembering he promised his wife to be home before midnight, his mind races to come up with a plan: He imitates the clock's call some more times, and his wife will be none the wiser. When he finally goes to bed, his wife doesn't say a word; no lecture, no tirade.
The next morning, his wife says "You'll have to take the clock for repairs, dear."
"Why's that, it worked so nicely when I got home at eleven."
"Yeah, well first the clock called four times, then seven more times, then it gave a burp, hit the wardrobe and got some serious hiccups, that's not normal for a clock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nyrgf/a_man_comes_home_drunk_late_at_night/
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what's the difference between a dog and a fox?

2 shots of tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nyr34/whats_the_difference_between_a_dog_and_a_fox/
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What did the bartender say when Charles Dickens ordered a martini?

Olive or twist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nyqc6/what_did_the_bartender_say_when_charles_dickens/
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Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nypng/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_statistician/
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I once received a fortune cookie of which the fortune was immediately fulfilled...

"You will have a weak dessert"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nynnu/i_once_received_a_fortune_cookie_of_which_the/
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Johnny's math skills

The village priest pays a visit to the local primary school. After introducing himself and his church, he also wants to see how much the kids have learnt already and asks little Johnny: "So Johnny, if you have 8 appples and you give me 4, how many apples do you have left?" "4, Sir", little Johnny replies. "Very well done!", the priest responds. "And if you have 3 sausages and I give you an additional 5, how many sausages do you have then?" he questions little Johnny further. "Sir, this question I cannot answer, because we haven't calculated with sausages yet".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nymhq/johnnys_math_skills/
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What do a dildo and tofu have in common?

Both are meat substitutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nymga/what_do_a_dildo_and_tofu_have_in_common/
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However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order.

A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nylv1/however_he_cant_because_the_punch_line_is_out_of/
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Where do babies come from? (NSFW)

My daughter: "Dad, how do babies get inside a mom's belly?
Me: "Dads put the a seed in the mom's belly."
My daughter: " Do the mom's swallow the seed?"
Me: "When they want a new dress they do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ny7n4/where_do_babies_come_from_nsfw/
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As a pack a day smoker, instead of quitting cold turkey, I decided I'd only smoke when I drank

So I became an alcoholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ny789/as_a_pack_a_day_smoker_instead_of_quitting_cold/
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Four Men are waiting outside the maternity ward...

The ward was extremely busy, so all the husbands were asked to wait in the waiting area. A short time later, the head nurse comes out, walks up to the first guy, and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s so weird!" answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
The nurse comes back out a minute later and says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s odd," replies the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
The nurse returns from the delivery room several minutes later and tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That makes sense,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall.
"What’s wrong?!" the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ny5ef/four_men_are_waiting_outside_the_maternity_ward/
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Rene Descartes walks into a bar

The bartender asks him, "Would you like a beer?"
He says, "I think not."
He disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ny447/rene_descartes_walks_into_a_bar/
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I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep

It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nxxha/i_have_a_condition_that_makes_me_eat_when_i_cant/
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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for mating season.

The  farmer constructed a wall of barbed wire to segregate the bulls and the cows.
A few days later One Bull was already feeling very Horny.
Other bulls told him that there was one Veteran Bull Consultant in the herd, who could help.  The bull went to him & asked how to cross the barbed wire wall to reach  the cows.
The Consultant explained :
"First of all, stand 60 feet away from the wall. Then run at 60 mph. Jump over the barrier at 60° angle. Do what you wish with the cows. Then be back the same way."
The Younger Bull asked: But what if I mess up with the Calculations and my poor Genitals get mangled in the Barbed Wire?
The Consultant  replied cooly:- Then You become a Consultant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nxve6/a_farmer_separated_the_bulls_and_cows_to_prepare/
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What's Luigi's favorite dish at a seafood restaurant?

It's a Cala-Mario!
I thought of this joke while I was dreaming one night and laughed myself awake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nxupd/whats_luigis_favorite_dish_at_a_seafood_restaurant/
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TIL that Dermatologists are not good people

Their care for you is only skin deep.
*Thank ButIamARobot for the idea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nxt2r/til_that_dermatologists_are_not_good_people/
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A blonde got caught in a blizzard…

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue following if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to the K-mart  next.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nxsqa/a_blonde_got_caught_in_a_blizzard/
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A man is speeding to get to work on time

Once he gets to the bridge he passes every day he sees a cop who has his speed radar gun aimed right at him. Fuck. The cop quickly turns his siren on and pulls the man over.
Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?"
Man: "Yes officer, it is very important that I am not late for work today..".
Cop: "What is it that you do that is so important?". Man: "I am a rectum stretcher.". Cop, a little interested in what the man just told him: "What in the Hell does a rectum stretcher do!?"
Man: "Well I start with just one finger then stretch until I can fit a few more. Then, I continue stretching it until a can get my whole hand in there and then I keep going so it is a foot tall, then 2 feet and so on until I finally get it to about 6 feet tall."
Cop, now completely baffled by the man: "What the fuck would you do with a six foot tall asshole!?"
Man: "I would give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge so he can make people even more late for work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nxrwl/a_man_is_speeding_to_get_to_work_on_time/
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What is Mike Tyson's favorite type of math?

Mathturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nxor3/what_is_mike_tysons_favorite_type_of_math/
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Freddy the fungus and Alice the algae met one another and...

they took a lichen to each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nxmnq/freddy_the_fungus_and_alice_the_algae_met_one/
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I stopped at a friends house the other day

I found him stalking around with a fly swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: "yeah, three males and two females". Curious, I asked how could you tell the difference. He said: " Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nxk86/i_stopped_at_a_friends_house_the_other_day/
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LPT: When calling out of work or school, don't fake congestion, etc... instead try using your best Indian accent.

There's a much higher chance they'll believe you're Sikh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nxiig/lpt_when_calling_out_of_work_or_school_dont_fake/
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How many Republicans does it take to change a light-bulb?

None.
Trump lies, tells them it was changed and they sit in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nxiia/how_many_republicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I need to start watching what I eat

I keep missing my mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nxem1/i_need_to_start_watching_what_i_eat/
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Avoiding Turbulence

I was flying in a small plane that was headed into a storm, and we started going through some bad turbulence. I buckled my seat belt, curled against the window, and closed my eyes.
"What are you doing?" my wife asked.
"I can't make the turbulence stop," I said, "but I can go to sleep so I don't suffer."
"But honey," she replied, "you're the pilot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nx2ye/avoiding_turbulence/
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I had a really lame phrase on my protest sign...

I didn't pick it well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nx2kx/i_had_a_really_lame_phrase_on_my_protest_sign/
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What's the Mummy's plan to destroy Superman?

He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nwzkx/whats_the_mummys_plan_to_destroy_superman/
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All neighborhoods are predominantly Mexican.

Until they're done being built.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nwxz0/all_neighborhoods_are_predominantly_mexican/
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What do you call symptoms of depression?

"Blues Clues"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nwvqk/what_do_you_call_symptoms_of_depression/
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OB/GYN gets fired

OB/GYN doctor gets fired. And he is looking for a job and get an interview at a car repair shop. And the managers says
"If you take the carburator apart you get 2 points and if you put it back you get 5 points and if it works after that you get 3 point.But I'll only hire you if you get all 10 points"
"Ok" says the doctor.
After about 15 minutes he's finished and talks to the manager.
"Wow nice job, you get 10 points and 5 bonus points"
"Why the bonus points?"
"Because I've never seen anyone do that thru the exhaust"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nwti3/obgyn_gets_fired/
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So I asked my North Korean friend about his country.

He said he couldn't complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nwss4/so_i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_about_his/
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A pirate walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why is there a steering wheel attached to your penis?"
The pirate responds, "Yargghh! It's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nwia4/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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Time flies like an arrow...

Fruit flies like a banana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nwgp2/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
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You're as useless as...

Anne Frank's drumset

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nweiv/youre_as_useless_as/
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It's hard when you work at Black Angus

Your whole reputation is at steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nwcel/its_hard_when_you_work_at_black_angus/
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If 666 is evil then...

25.806975801127 is the root of all evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nw9op/if_666_is_evil_then/
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So I was minding my business in the library today when a black guy walked up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.

I replied, "Dude, it's 2017, you can use whatever printer you want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nw7fk/so_i_was_minding_my_business_in_the_library_today/
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So it turns out that Trump is a Marxist...

... he seizes women by their means of production.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nw4ql/so_it_turns_out_that_trump_is_a_marxist/
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My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective, and said we should split up

What a good idea, that way we can cover more ground!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nw2km/my_girlfriend_said_she_was_sick_of_me_pretending/
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A drunk driver will run a stop sign.

A stoner will wait for it to turn green.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nw26e/a_drunk_driver_will_run_a_stop_sign/
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A great name for a gay club in Russia

Putin on the Ritz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nw1mq/a_great_name_for_a_gay_club_in_russia/
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A grandpa is enjoying some beer on his porch

when his grandson walks up to him and asks "grandpa, can I try some beer?"
"Can your dick touch your asshole?" The grandpa replies
"Umm, no?."
"Then you're too young to try this beer"
Later that evening grandpa was enjoying a cigar on his porch when the boy comes up to him and asks, "grandpa, can i try your cigar?"
"Can your dick reach your asshole?"
"Ummm, no?"
"Then you're too young to smoke this cigar."
Later that night the young boy was enjoying a fresh batch of grandma's chocolate chip cookies, with a cold glass of milk. Grandpa walks up to him and asks "hey Junior, can I try a cookie?"
The grandson replies "can your dick reach your asshole?"
"Yes, it can" grandpa answers
"Then go fuck yourself, because grandma made these cookies for me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nw1h8/a_grandpa_is_enjoying_some_beer_on_his_porch/
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"Man, I got so drunk last night I blew chunks..."

"Don't worry, dude; we've all done that at some point"
"You don't understand, Chunks is my dog..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nvxfo/man_i_got_so_drunk_last_night_i_blew_chunks/
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Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
(It's a repost but cracks me up everytime so I thought I would share)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nvuyk/everyone_knows_dave/
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I didn't think a chiropracticor could help me

but I stand corrected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nvunf/i_didnt_think_a_chiropracticor_could_help_me/
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What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

They both want to crack open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nvtg7/what_do_necrophiliacs_and_alcoholics_have_in/
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What's long, hard, bendable and contains the letters P, E, N, I, S?

Your spine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nvra9/whats_long_hard_bendable_and_contains_the_letters/
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The danger with online porn is that it's a slippery slope

First, you click one link. Then that leads you to another, then another, then another...
Then, before you know it, your pants are off, it's four hours later, and you're getting weird looks from everyone else in the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nvoeb/the_danger_with_online_porn_is_that_its_a/
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NSFW You lick it, aim it, and put it in. Yet I fail miserably every time.

Sewing is very hard sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nvm37/nsfw_you_lick_it_aim_it_and_put_it_in_yet_i_fail/
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LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.

WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nvl2j/lawyer_now_sir_im_sure_you_are_an_intelligent_and/
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Who would blow up Jurassic Park? Really?

A dino might.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nvird/who_would_blow_up_jurassic_park_really/
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My wife and I went to the Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW, That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if  every time was with the same old cow.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nvff2/my_wife_and_i_went_to_the_bull_sale_agricultural/
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What's an Alzheimer's sufferer's least favorite film?

Total Recall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nveya/whats_an_alzheimers_sufferers_least_favorite_film/
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Putin, Trump, and Merkel sitting around a campfire...

The three world leaders are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which world leaders are famous.
A night of tall tales commences.
First Putin says, "I must be the meanest, toughest world leader there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
Trump chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
All the while Angela Merkel remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with her penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nvelb/putin_trump_and_merkel_sitting_around_a_campfire/
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I'm setting up a website for single dolphins

Where true love's just a few clicks away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nvc3s/im_setting_up_a_website_for_single_dolphins/
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The wife said she wanted to do some Game of Thrones role-playing tonight...

She strapped our kid to my back and made me hold the door while she masturbated to Kit Harington.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nvbiz/the_wife_said_she_wanted_to_do_some_game_of/
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What does the NBA and a box of crayons have in common?

The whites are useless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nv6n5/what_does_the_nba_and_a_box_of_crayons_have_in/
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What do we say to the God of Death?

Would you like Freys with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nv5nb/what_do_we_say_to_the_god_of_death/
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Did you guys hear the one about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nv2om/did_you_guys_hear_the_one_about_butter/
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A fish swims into a wall

"Dam!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nv0ut/a_fish_swims_into_a_wall/
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Why does China put all their casinos in Macau?

Because they don't like Tibet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nuyu7/why_does_china_put_all_their_casinos_in_macau/
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Stop me if you've heard this one!

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
I just heard this today and haven't seen it here so it's been posted before, sorry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nuxbv/stop_me_if_youve_heard_this_one/
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The first time I had sex was like the first time I rode a bike..

My dad was holding me from behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nuvn1/the_first_time_i_had_sex_was_like_the_first_time/
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A man was walking through the Australian customs...

As the officer asked him "have you ever been convicted of a felony?"
"No," he answered "I didn't realize that was still a requirement."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nun5i/a_man_was_walking_through_the_australian_customs/
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A guy is driving down the highway when he suddenly has an overwhelming urge to jerk off...

But there are so many cars and trucks driving by, he's too scared to be seen if he does it in the vehicle. So he gets out of the truck and crawls underneath. He figures if anyone comes along, he'll just say he's checking on his transmission. He pulls out his dick, closes his eyes, pictures Betty-Sue naked, and starts beating off.
A few minutes later a state trooper comes along and kicks his foot.
"Mind telling me what you're doing down there, son?"
"I'm just checking my transmission!" the guy says.
"Well, you should have checked your brakes. Your truck rolled down the hill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nukx9/a_guy_is_driving_down_the_highway_when_he/
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Snail with an attitude

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nujmg/snail_with_an_attitude/
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What did the one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nujek/what_did_the_one_eye_say_to_the_other/
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Reef knot, Sheepshank, Clove Hitch, Bowline. I don't know how to tie these knots

But my fucking headphones do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nudiq/reef_knot_sheepshank_clove_hitch_bowline_i_dont/
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Johnny was in school, and asked to go to the bathroom.

His teacher replied, "Not before you recite the alphabet correctly".
Johnny pleaded, "But I have to go really bad!", but his teacher was unrelenting.
Johnny said, "A B C D E F G, H I J K L M N O, Q R S T U V W X Y and Z"
The teacher stated, "What about the P?"
Johnny said, "It's running down my leg".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nucsp/johnny_was_in_school_and_asked_to_go_to_the/
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What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

Homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nua1i/what_do_you_call_a_guitar_player_without_a/
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I called my boss this morning and said

"I'm not coming in today, I've got the squirts."
He said, "I'm fed up with this, it's the same time every week!"
I said, "I can't help it, my wife has community service on Tuesdays and we can't find a babysitter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nu6t4/i_called_my_boss_this_morning_and_said/
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Montana Grizzly Bear Notice

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear encounters, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, backpackers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so that the bears are not startled unexpectedly by a human's presence. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear poop and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop smells like pepper and has little bells in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nu5qg/montana_grizzly_bear_notice/
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So my wife finally had sex with me

Apparently putting out was the only way to stop me from introducing her to everyone as "Wife without benefits".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ntwq7/so_my_wife_finally_had_sex_with_me/
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If a Jehovah's Witness says a girl has nice knockers...

...is he referring to her breasts or her knuckles?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nts25/if_a_jehovahs_witness_says_a_girl_has_nice/
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Why are gay men so well dressed?

They didnt spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ntj36/why_are_gay_men_so_well_dressed/
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A foolish man gives his wife a grand piano...

... A wise man gives her an upright organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ntizp/a_foolish_man_gives_his_wife_a_grand_piano/
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Knock Knock

Who's there?
"Europe."
Europe who?
"No, you're a poo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ntgc7/knock_knock/
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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ntes1/what_gets_longer_if_pulled_fits_snugly_between/
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What was the real reason Princess Di divorced Prince Charles?

She found out that not all rulers have 12 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ntcz1/what_was_the_real_reason_princess_di_divorced/
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What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common?

They get to see it, but can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ntbmp/what_does_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery/
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I was looking for some razor blades on amazon today

I assume the ones with no reviews are the best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ntb6x/i_was_looking_for_some_razor_blades_on_amazon/
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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

you should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ntazz/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
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How do you know "Pinocchio" was written a long time ago?

He kept making such a big deal out of being wireless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ntayb/how_do_you_know_pinocchio_was_written_a_long_time/
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One day a tree, a herb and a bush were chilling together in the jungle

when they came face to face (or leaf to face) with God.
God tells them that they must each do one deed to save the dying planet.
The tree convinces all of its kind to double their oxygen output, making the Earth's air fresher and cleaner than it ever was
The herb begins synthesizing the ultimate cure all compound in its leaves, which can cure almost any disease in any animal that consumes them.
And what did the bush do?
Bush did 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nt6ln/one_day_a_tree_a_herb_and_a_bush_were_chilling/
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A friend just returned from a visit to North Korea.

Me: How was the stay over there?
Friend: Can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nt5k8/a_friend_just_returned_from_a_visit_to_north_korea/
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Teacher asks the class, "What part of your body can grow as much as six times its normal size?"

No one answers, so she asks Tiffany in the front row if she knows the answer. Tiffany blushes, giggles, and covers her face with her hands.
Heather in the desk behind raises her hand and says, "The pupil, miss. The pupil may grow as much as six times its normal size."
"Correct" says the teacher. "And, Tiffany, I have three comments for you. 1. You have a dirty, filthy mind. 2. You haven't been doing your homework, and 3. You are in for a lifetime of bitter disappointment."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nt45c/teacher_asks_the_class_what_part_of_your_body_can/
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Four men went golfing

together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nstw0/four_men_went_golfing/
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A drinking contest

Three men are sitting in a bar, they decide to have a drinking contest. They all play games and generally use any excuse whatsoever to test their livers against one another during the course of the evening. The winner is announced and they all stagger home to their pits.
The next day they meet in the bar and begin talking about their experiences the night before.
The first man says he was so drunk, he woke up this morning passed out in his front yard with the key in his door. He didn't quite make it!
The second man says he was so drunk that when he got home he somehow managed to open and pee inside a cupboard, obviously mistaking it for his toilet.
The third man says "well guys thats nothing. When I got home I just blew chunks all over the place, its the worst thing I've ever done."
"whats so bad about that?" say the other two in unison, looking confused.
The third man rolls his eyes at his friends and says "Guys, chunks is my dog".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nstlq/a_drinking_contest/
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A cop is patrolling make out point late one night.....

He is used to chasing teenagers out of there who are having sex so when he spotted a car there late he wasn't surprised.
He turns on the lights and walks up to the car only to find a young man sitting in the front seat and a young woman in the back seat reading a magazine.
Shocked at the "lack of action" he starts questioning the young man and asks for his ID.  The ID says he is 22 so the officer asks how old the girl is in the back...
The young man looks at his watch and says "in about 20 minutes she will be 18"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nsqc7/a_cop_is_patrolling_make_out_point_late_one_night/
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Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket.

Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nsnt9/finding_out_your_ex_got_fat_is_like_finding_20/
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Crazy exes are like a box of chocolates

They'll kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nsklr/crazy_exes_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Why don't witches wear undies?

To get a better grip on their broomsticks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nska5/why_dont_witches_wear_undies/
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The origin of CrossFit can be traced all the way back to ancient Rome.

Take Jesus for example, he fit nicely on that cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nsjhb/the_origin_of_crossfit_can_be_traced_all_the_way/
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Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nsjgw/johnny_where_in_the_heck_do_you_get_seven_from/
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Two old trees were arguing in the forrest

What, pondered they, was identity of a sapling newly sprung up a few years prior.
"It's the son of a beech!" Said one.
"It's the son of a birch!" Replied the other.
They decided to settle the score by asking a passing woodpecker.
After giving the young tree a quick once over, the woodpecker returned and said "That is neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch.  That is the tightest piece of young ash I've ever had my pecker in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nsie8/two_old_trees_were_arguing_in_the_forrest/
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What do you call a melon that can't marry abroad?

A cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nsg1o/what_do_you_call_a_melon_that_cant_marry_abroad/
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How do you tell the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber?

You ask them to pronounce "unionized"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nsfnk/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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Why I love working out at the gym I go to!

There's this hot MILF always walking around checking me out.
I love home gyms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nsekj/why_i_love_working_out_at_the_gym_i_go_to/
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Irish Confession

An Irish man went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, the Irish man said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replied, "You moron, you're on my side"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nsef8/irish_confession/
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John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north…

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Keith.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well, she just died and left me everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nsef4/john_decided_to_go_golfing_in_scotland_with_his/
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Why does Conor McGregor want to get a knockout within 4 rounds in the big fight?

Because as the rounds go by, his chances of winning Mayweather away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nseej/why_does_conor_mcgregor_want_to_get_a_knockout/
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What do you call a really tiny muslim?

A µslim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nsck0/what_do_you_call_a_really_tiny_muslim/
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What do you call the knight who measures the edge of the round table?.

Sir cumfrence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ns9gj/what_do_you_call_the_knight_who_measures_the_edge/
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A penis has a hard life

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ns6yk/a_penis_has_a_hard_life/
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Three kids are discussing who has the taller dad...

Tim: My dad is so tall that he can reach the top of a tree!
Bob: Well, my dad is so tall that he can reach the clouds!
Little Johnny: When your father reaches the clouds, does it feel soft?
Bob: I think so...
Little Johnny: Yeah, that's my father's balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ns6a7/three_kids_are_discussing_who_has_the_taller_dad/
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Superman was flying around...

... and saw Catwoman lying on her back naked on a rooftop. Catwoman looked really good and superman felt a super-boner coming up.
-" I'll just do it really fast, catwoman does not even know I was there!" he thought and quickly had his way with unsuspectiing catwoman.
When superman was already long gone the catwoman flinched.
-"What the hell was that?", said the catwoman.
-"I have no idea but my anus really hurts", said the invisible man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ns5it/superman_was_flying_around/
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Why are dragons so good at rapping?

Because they're always spitting fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ns3u3/why_are_dragons_so_good_at_rapping/
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Just to make myself clear...

I use acne treatment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ns1ph/just_to_make_myself_clear/
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Polish Eye Test

A Polish immigrant goes to Specsavers for an eye test and the Optician shows him the test card:
C Z J X
N Y S A
C Z
and asks him: “Can you read that?”
The Pole says: “Read it? I know the prick!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ns1ar/polish_eye_test/
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Trump, Putin and Merkel...

...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"
Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'm telling you, lots of stuff, and it's great stuff, and our submarines can stay underwater, and also, they don't need to come back up to the surface or resurface, for two months, because I made them great again!"
Merkel is just about to change the topic to export politics when suddenly a submarine resurfaces next to the three, the hatch opens and a man salutes out of it: "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ns0s7/trump_putin_and_merkel/
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Why do Database Administrators hate microgravity?

When they drop a table, it doesn't go anywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ns03g/why_do_database_administrators_hate_microgravity/
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Why is it good to know how heavy you are?

Because good things come to those who weigh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nrzzl/why_is_it_good_to_know_how_heavy_you_are/
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What do fish get stressed about?

Current Events

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nrzli/what_do_fish_get_stressed_about/
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I hate car puns.

They drive me crazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nryq6/i_hate_car_puns/
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My internet stopped working for some time so I went out of my room to see my family

They were nice people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nrua0/my_internet_stopped_working_for_some_time_so_i/
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They say weightlifting can lead to disembowelment ..

But I think it really shows guts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nrt62/they_say_weightlifting_can_lead_to_disembowelment/
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Two blonde girl goes to a bar.

The bartender asks: 'Are you sisters?'
The two blonde says: 'No, we aren't even catholics.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nrr28/two_blonde_girl_goes_to_a_bar/
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A town has recently been overrun by a horde of chickens

Officials have been calling it a complete cluster cluck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nrqdb/a_town_has_recently_been_overrun_by_a_horde_of/
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Gonzales Nails

The Gonzales company was trying to market their new carpenters nails, and they were thinking about what kind of commercial they should run.  One of them says "let's start with an image of Jesus on the cross, and the camera can zoom in on the nails, and our logo then comes up at the bottom!". The others say "ehhh... That might be a bit much, people could easily take offense to that, maybe let's look at other options". They keep discussing and finally come to an agreement.  The next day, the commercial airs.  It opens with two Roman soldiers talking with each other outside.  In the distance you see a semi-naked man running across the screen, the soldiers look at him, turn to each other and exclaim "Damnit!! We should have used Gonzales Nails!!"
I translated this from Spanish, so be gentle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nrqba/gonzales_nails/
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Why does Melania get on top?

Because Donald is only capable of fucking up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nrpxx/why_does_melania_get_on_top/
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A Hispanic magician told his audience he would disappear on the count of three.

He held up three fingers and began.
"Uno! Dos!"
And then he vanished, without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nrp2c/a_hispanic_magician_told_his_audience_he_would/
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I accidentally overdosed on Viagra...

... and discovered a completely new way to pick my nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nrov3/i_accidentally_overdosed_on_viagra/
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American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nrj8b/american_man_to_wife_pass_the_honey_honey/
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Did you hear about the two owls who agreed to rob a bank together?

They were in co-hoots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nrey0/did_you_hear_about_the_two_owls_who_agreed_to_rob/
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High Noon!

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"
The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go. "Play alone, we're a-leavin'. Wild Bill's comin' to town."
The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing; a strong one at that. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change."
After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer, and pushes the bill back to the reporter. "The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town." Without another word the 'tender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the reporter in an empty bar.
Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he's about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something; so he waits...
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, Bong<CRACK!>- Just as the clock strikes the first chime of twelve, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The reporter runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a tornado coming right for the bar. The reporter hits the ground and watches as the tornado comes up to the bar and stops.
The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face <WHAM!>, knocking it cold on the ground.
The reporter is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. <KaPLOW!> the giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters that imbed themselves into the walls and break bottles and glasses that they touch.
The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the reporter and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, "GIMME A DRINK!"
The reporter comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whisky; which the giant snatches up, chews the glass tops off of, and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles showering the reporter with shards that rain down.
Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the reporter stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, "W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?"
The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock... "Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill's comin' to town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nrcnz/high_noon/
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Tommy doesn't want to go to Sunday school

Sunday morning, Tommy tells his mom, "I don't want to go to Sunday school anymore. I want to go to the real service with you and Daddy."
To his surprise, he gets his way. He sits in the main sanctuary for the first time, and he notices a display he hadn't seen before. There's an American flag and a few photographs of men and women in uniform.
After the sermon, he asks his mom what it is. She says, "That's a memorial for some members of our church who died in the service."
Really quietly, Tommy says, "I think I'll go to Sunday school next week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nr6kp/tommy_doesnt_want_to_go_to_sunday_school/
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A new jokes store opened up in town..

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bars".
"Excuse me, sir, is there anything I can help you find?" said one of the store clerks from behind him.
"Oh, uh, yeah," the customer said, startled. He looked around him quickly and picked up one of the  newer-looking tricks. "What does this do?" he asked.
The store clerk replied, "Oh, that?" She picked it up and spun it around her finger - or attempted to. "It's a Fidget Spinner Joke. You can try as hard as you want, but it will never spin."
He laughed. "That sounds hilarious! What does this one do?"
"That's our Padlock Joke - it will never open with any key ever, even the one that's provided with it."
"Cool! Can you tell me about these?" And so it went on and on as he asked the poor shopkeeper about what seemed like every new item in the store, until he came back to the wall of sweets.
"What about these Chirp Chocolates?" he asks.
"Well," says the worker, somehow still keeping her energy up, "If you eat one, it'll make you chirp like a bird for a whole minute."
"That's hilarious!" laughs the boy. "Do these Hoot Gummies make you hoot like an owl?" She nodded. "And these Squeaking Marshmallows? And- hey, what's this?" He reached into the large container of wrapped mints and pulled out a brightly-colored fishing reel that had a very tiny handle.
The clerk takes it from him, and sighs, "Oh, darn... I forgot to sort these again last night - it feels like every time I come back our Reel Joke's always hiding in the Caw Mints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nr3nu/a_new_jokes_store_opened_up_in_town/
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I know a cat who thinks he's a chicken.

I tried to teach him otherwise, but he was in too much of a fowl mood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nr2pv/i_know_a_cat_who_thinks_hes_a_chicken/
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says...

“I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nr1te/a_jumper_cable_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_says/
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Little Johnny was being abused my his father.

His father was a cruel man. He would punish Johnny by sending him to bed without supper. If Johnny tried to sneak into the kitchen to get food he would be beaten. One night Johnny stole a bologna sandwich from the fridge.
His father beat him. "Don't touch my bologna, Johnny!"
The next night, Johnny stole another bologna sandwich from the fridge.
Once again he was beaten for taking his fathers bologna.
The night after that his father went to the fridge. The sandwich was still there. He went to Johnny's room with the bologna sandwich and ate it in front of him smugly.
"I hope you learned your lesson, son."
"I hope you learned yours, dad. You beat me once, you beat me twice, so I wiped my ass with your bologna slice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nr03i/little_johnny_was_being_abused_my_his_father/
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Memory Problems

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife. “Really?”, one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, “what are those good smelling flowers called again?” “Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned. “Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he said, “Rose what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nqzp4/memory_problems/
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What did Donald Trump say after his attempt to hang himself failed?

"Fake Noose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nqz2f/what_did_donald_trump_say_after_his_attempt_to/
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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father

"where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nqu4w/a_father_whale_and_his_son_are_swimming_when_the/
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What's the difference between Fireflies and BMW Drivers.

Fireflies use their blinkers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nqrzn/whats_the_difference_between_fireflies_and_bmw/
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A man is buying a bananas, an apple and two eggs.

The female cashier says: "You must be single."
The man replied: " Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nqq40/a_man_is_buying_a_bananas_an_apple_and_two_eggs/
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The rectum stretcher

A man is speeding to get to work on time. Once he gets to the bridge he passes every day he sees a cop who has his speed radar gun aimed right at him. Fuck. The cop quickly turns his siren on and pulls the man over.
Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?"
Man: "Yes officer, it is very important that I am not late for work today..".
Cop: "What is it that you do that is so important?". Man: "I am a rectum stretcher.". Cop, a little interested in what the man just told him: "What in the Hell does a rectum stretcher do!?"
Man: "Well I start with just one finger then stretch until I can fit a few more. Then, I continue stretching it until a can get my whole hand in there and then I keep going so it is a foot tall, then 2 feet and so on until I finally get it to about 6 feet tall."
Cop, now completely baffled by the man: "What the fuck would you do with a six foot tall asshole!?"
Man: "I would give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge so he can make people even more late for work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nqox4/the_rectum_stretcher/
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Sex Joke (Long)

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.
After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver’s seat and stared out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nqnf4/sex_joke_long/
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A blonde is working on a puzzle...

She calls her husband over and says, "This is the hardest jigsaw puzzle I've ever seen in my whole life!"
The husband responds, "What do you mean, honey?"
She says, "Well there's a picture of a tiger on the box, but looking at all these pieces, I don't see how in the world this is going to ever make picture of a tiger."
The husband says, "That's alright honey, let's just put all the cereal back in the box."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nqmgu/a_blonde_is_working_on_a_puzzle/
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After a terrible night, two professors have to run through campus while naked...

As they run, the first guy covers his genitals and the second covers his face. The first guy asks the second, "Are you not ashamed of your indecency?"
The second guy responds, "Yeah... But, I don't know about you, but more people recognize me by my face than by my genitals"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nql2n/after_a_terrible_night_two_professors_have_to_run/
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Two Nuns riding home from church on a tandem bicycle...

Suddenly the nun in front steers the bike down a very bumpy road - not their normal rout.
Curious, the nun on the back asks, "Have you come this way before, sister?"
Nun in front replies, "Yes... I think it's the *cobblestones!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nqfmv/two_nuns_riding_home_from_church_on_a_tandem/
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I got a new toaster for my wife.

Best trade I ever made

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nqegd/i_got_a_new_toaster_for_my_wife/
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A boy and a girl are playing in a sandbox...

The boy pulls down his pants and says to the girl, "what's this?"
The girl says, "I don't know."
She pulls down her pants and says, "what's this?"
The boy replies, "I don't know."
That night, they both go home to their respective parents.
The boy pulls down his pants in front of his dad and asks, "what's this?"
The dad says, "that's your car son".
The girl pulls down her pants in front of her mom and asks, "what's this?"
The mom replies, "that's your garage, honey."
The next day the girl comes home from playing in the sandbox covered in blood.
The mom exclaims, "what the hell happened?!"
The girl replies, "a boy tried to park his car in my garage, so I slashed his back wheels".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nqbjw/a_boy_and_a_girl_are_playing_in_a_sandbox/
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A man is sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, crying.

The Bartender notices him and asks him what's wrong.
The man answers:''I lost over 50 grand this weekend betting on sports. I Went 0-8 in Baseball, 0-13 in Basketball, 0-6 In Football and 0-9 in Soccer."
The bartender, in disbelief, tries to soothe the man:"Have you ever tried betting on Hockey?"
The man quickly responds:"Of course not. I don't know anything about hockey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nq6vv/a_man_is_sitting_at_a_bar_in_las_vegas_crying/
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I love my Viagra. I take one every night.

It keeps me from rolling out of bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nq56r/i_love_my_viagra_i_take_one_every_night/
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A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nq1k0/a_man_is_stuck_in_a_traffic_jam_on_the_highway/
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Who won the original Tour De France?

The 7th Panzer division

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nq09h/who_won_the_original_tour_de_france/
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"They only want to see your underwear"

One day, little May comes home from school, waving a dollar bill and screaming, "Mom! Look what I got today!"
Of course, her mom asks, "Oh? How did you get that?"
"Well," May says, "these boys from the bigger grade dared me to climb the tree and said they'd give me 75 cents. So I climbed the tree all the way to the top then they paid me a whole dollar!"
Her mom sighs, "Oh honey, please don't do that! They only wanted to see your underwear!!"
May apologizes to her mom and says she will not climb the tree again.
However, the next day, May comes home screaming and waving a clump of money. "Mommy, Mommy! The boys and their friends took me to a higher tree and I had to prove to them I could climb it to the top. So I did. They stopped making fun of me and gave me a ton of dollars!"
Her mom says, once again, "Darn it, May. I told you not to do that! They only want to see your underwear. No matter how much money they give you, there is no seeing your underwear."
For a third time, May comes from school with $18. She can't hide it from her mom, she can only brag about so much money for climbing a tree.
Her mom cries, "Really, May? I said-"
"It's okay, Mommy. I just didn't wear underwear today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nq08o/they_only_want_to_see_your_underwear/
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People often misuse the word "chivalry."

I looked up the rules of chivalry. Only one part is about respecting women. The rest is medieval battle etiquette.
The other day I didn't open a door for a women behind me. "I guess chivlary is dead," she said. Enraged, I challenged her to armed combat
Turns out I'm the better jouster.
Chivalry is alive but that woman is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6npzct/people_often_misuse_the_word_chivalry/
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I was eating a woman out and suddenly tasted horse semen

I couldn't help but chuckle as I blurted out, "Good grief, Grandma. So that's how you died!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6npxng/i_was_eating_a_woman_out_and_suddenly_tasted/
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A guy walks into a bar, takes off his hat, and places it onto the counter. A duck jumps out.

The bartender asks, "Can I help you, sir?"
The guy orders a shot.
The bartender asks the guy if his duck friend wants anything, and the duck says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary."
"Oh! You're a talking duck!" the bartender says. "What's your name?"
"Houie," the duck says.
The bartender gets him a drink on the house then asks him how his day went.
The duck says, "It went great. I've been at work with my big man here all day, then the pond, in and out of puddles for hours. Now I'm getting a Bloody Mary on the house. What else could a duck like me want?"
"That's nice," says the bartender.
Out jumps another duck.
The bartender asks, "Are you a talking duck, too?"
"Yessir," says the duck.
"Well, what's your name?" he asks.
"Douie," says the duck.
"Well, how was your day?" asks the bartender.
"Great. I've been in and out of puddles at the pond, blew bubbles for a bit, and now I can have myself a Bloody Mary as well," Douie says.
The bartender says, "Oh, that's fine!"
Out jumps a third duck.
The bartender says, "Well, I suppose you talk, too."
"Yes, I do," replies the third duck.
"Let me guess, you are Louie and want a Bloody Mary?" asks the bartender.
"No," says the duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask how my day is going, just get me a shot and get one for my buddy in the hat, Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6npwj1/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_takes_off_his_hat_and/
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How do you know if you're talking to an extroverted engineer?

They look at your shoes instead of their own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6npwd2/how_do_you_know_if_youre_talking_to_an/
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All those car commercials that say "real people, not actors"

I agree, actors aren't real people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6npvo6/all_those_car_commercials_that_say_real_people/
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A gorilla dies (and no its not a harambe joke)

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6npr1o/a_gorilla_dies_and_no_its_not_a_harambe_joke/
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Three cowboys sitting around a campfire

Two are arguing who is tougher.
"Last week I rode a 2000lb bull it bucked me off so I punched it one time and it turned into steaks" said the first.
"That's nothing, last time I had sex I used a live rattler for a condom" boasted the second.
The third said nothing, and continued quietly stirring the embers in the fire with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nppam/three_cowboys_sitting_around_a_campfire/
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I've had diarrhea for days

I just cant keep my shit together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6npkf5/ive_had_diarrhea_for_days/
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Three words women hate to hear while having sex.

Honey I'm home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6npjhu/three_words_women_hate_to_hear_while_having_sex/
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Mr. Smith took a career aptitude test with an employment agent.

"Well, Mr. Smith, it looks like we are nearly finished. Just a few more questions and I can determine what career best suits your experience. Mr. Smith, are you good at building and making things yourself?"
"No, not really. I tried making a moose call one time for hunting, but when I used it all that came were bears."
"How about hunting. Are you a fair shooter?"
"Well, no, not great. My vision has been getting worse the past couple years, so my aim is at a loss."
"What experience do you have with being caring and nurturing?"
"This one time on my farm my donkey was in labour. I spent hours taking care of her, on my hands and knees, head between her legs. It was incredible being able to watch the miracle of life."
"Mr. Smith, I think I have found a career opening for you."
"Really?"
"You're blind, you make bad calls, and you're comfortable with your head in your ass. The NBA needs a referee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6npiwl/mr_smith_took_a_career_aptitude_test_with_an/
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What did the Polish father say to his pregnant daughter?

Are you sure it's yours?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6npiie/what_did_the_polish_father_say_to_his_pregnant/
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Sorry I threw up on you.

Next time lunch is on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6npgsd/sorry_i_threw_up_on_you/
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A farmer gets woken up in the middle of the night by horrible noises coming from the stable...

A farmer gets woken up in the middle of the night by horrible noises coming from the stables, he rushes down to see what all the fuss is about and finds to his great shock a strange man molesting one of his foals.
"What the fuck are you doing to my foal?" He shouts bewildered, "What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
"Nothing." Replies the strange man, clearing his throat, "I'm just feeling a little horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6npgq9/a_farmer_gets_woken_up_in_the_middle_of_the_night/
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How many mice dose it take to screw in a lightbulb??

Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6npffc/how_many_mice_dose_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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What does the Pope use to clean his counters?

A Papal towel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6npdxb/what_does_the_pope_use_to_clean_his_counters/
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What's the worst thing you can come across while searching the web?

Your keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6np7zu/whats_the_worst_thing_you_can_come_across_while/
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A man escapes from prison.....

.... where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6np616/a_man_escapes_from_prison/
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What would Ed Sheehan be if he wasn't a famous musician?

A virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6np5wu/what_would_ed_sheehan_be_if_he_wasnt_a_famous/
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If a heart was caught committing a crime...

Would it be a cardiac arrest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6np416/if_a_heart_was_caught_committing_a_crime/
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What do you call a zombie with a hickey?

A necromancer.
RIP GEORGE A ROMERO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6np38j/what_do_you_call_a_zombie_with_a_hickey/
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They said due to my dyslexia, I wouldn't stand a chance in a spelling bee.

You should've seen the look on their faces when I proved them grown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6np0k9/they_said_due_to_my_dyslexia_i_wouldnt_stand_a/
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What's another name for Best Buy?

The Amazon Showroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6noycu/whats_another_name_for_best_buy/
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Old swedish joke

There was a Norwegian submarine on lookout for enemy ships south of Norway. The Swedes thought it would be fun to mess with them.
So a Swedish diver swims to the submarine and knocks on the hatch. Naturally the Norwegian opens the hatch and boom the submarine sinks.
The Norwegian submarine crew gets another submarine as replacement and does the same mission. So of course the Swede swims down to the sub and knocks on the hatch.
To the Swedes suprise the same Norwegian opens the hatch so that the submarine sinks once again.
The Norwegian crew gets one more submarine so that they can keep going with the mission.
The Swede couldn't retain himself so he went down to the sub and knocks on the hatch one more time.
The Norwegian opens the hatch and says:
-Haha I'm not falling for that again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6noy40/old_swedish_joke/
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Everything I pick up, I drop.

The situation is getting out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6notu4/everything_i_pick_up_i_drop/
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What do you call a person who has never masterbated ?

A liar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6notiz/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_has_never/
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I used to be a hand model...

But I wasn't able to get enough hand jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nos0p/i_used_to_be_a_hand_model/
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I like my women like I like my roads..

...straight and with no one else on them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6noqyc/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_roads/
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A Proud Father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nooy4/a_proud_father/
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Life is like an ass.

You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one or you live with one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nolby/life_is_like_an_ass/
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Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6noko1/light_babies_are_delivered_by_stork_heavy_babies/
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These three cowboys were sitting around arguing about who was the most silent fucker

Cowboy 1 says : "Every morning I wake up at 3 am, ride into town , fuck 5 whores before they even know it."
Cowboy 2 says : "I wake up at 2 am , ride into tow n ,fuck 10 whores before they even know it."
The third cowboy says : " I wake up at 1 am and fuck you both and you don't even know it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nokmi/these_three_cowboys_were_sitting_around_arguing/
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What do you call postman Pat once he's retired?

Pat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6noivz/what_do_you_call_postman_pat_once_hes_retired/
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So we all know con is the opposite of pro, right? Well, if pro and con are opposites, then what's the opposite of progress?

Congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6noiee/so_we_all_know_con_is_the_opposite_of_pro_right/
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Wife is mad at me..caught me peeing in the shower.

People at the hardware store were pretty mad too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6no9i1/wife_is_mad_at_mecaught_me_peeing_in_the_shower/
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Whats the difference between Hitler and my wife?

HITLER DIDN'T SLEEP WITH MY BEST FRIEND MARTHA YOU WHORE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6no8c7/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_my_wife/
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Me: hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: i have a boyfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6no6ma/me_hello_darkness_my_old_friend/
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I hear they're using lawyers in laboratory testing instead of rats..

apparently you don't get that attached to them as you do with the rats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6no20u/i_hear_theyre_using_lawyers_in_laboratory_testing/
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How to get 1 million dollars:

Start with 6 million and get married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nnzob/how_to_get_1_million_dollars/
%
What does a pizza delivery man and gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell but not taste....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nnvih/what_does_a_pizza_delivery_man_and_gynecologist/
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Life is like operating a crane.

Early on, you figure out how to make it up to the controls... Only to realize you have no clue what to do once you get there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nnqrz/life_is_like_operating_a_crane/
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Doctor, Doctor! I can't feel my legs!

Yes, I know. We had to amputate your arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nnqrd/doctor_doctor_i_cant_feel_my_legs/
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A man walks into a small bank

There is no queue and a single teller who he approaches, a big smile on their face visible after a quick glance around:
"Hey, you know something? I like my banks how I like my ladies."
The teller rolls her eyes before asking "How?"
While pulling out a handgun, the man answered:
"Insecure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nnp81/a_man_walks_into_a_small_bank/
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A man walks into a store that has a broken neon sign

A man walks into a store and says,"hey, you should fix your neon sign out front, the letter E is burnt out".
The storekeeper replies, "I can't replace the letter, it would ruin the joke!"
"What joke?" Asks the man.
"Stop me if you've heard it before," says the shopkeep, "because it's an old E, but it's a good E."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nnkwn/a_man_walks_into_a_store_that_has_a_broken_neon/
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My friend ask me for my thoughts on Communism

I told him, "I will not share."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nnjmw/my_friend_ask_me_for_my_thoughts_on_communism/
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Horth Withperer

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So,the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's
twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should
rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nnjig/horth_withperer/
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A white man was so in love with his girlfriend...

He decided to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When erect, you could easily read "WENDY," but when flaccid, you could only see "WY."
One day he was taking a leak at a urinal next to a Jamaican man, when he happened to glance down and see "WY" tattooed on the Jamaican's penis.
Surprised, the white man asks the Jamaican, "Hey, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?"
The Jamaican stared back at him with a look of confusion.
So then the white man showed him his penis and said, "See? 'WY'. When I'm hard it says 'WENDY!'"
To which the Jamaican says, "Ohh! No no, mon! Mine says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA HAVE A NICE DAY!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nnjao/a_white_man_was_so_in_love_with_his_girlfriend/
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What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nngam/what_do_you_call_a_boner_at_a_funeral/
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Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors?

So they can watch the battle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nneuv/why_do_french_tanks_have_rearview_mirrors/
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You're lucky it wasn't the black horse!

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very dark, and I couldn't get all those horror movies out of my mind, bad things happen on roads at night.
I was looking under the bonnet when I heard a voice, all ethereal and spooky.
"Check your spark plugs"
I looked around and I couldn't see anything so I ignored it and kept checking the engine.
"Check your spark plugs" came the voice again, and I looked around and couldn't see anyone. So again I ignored it, but I was getting more uncomfortable by the minute.
"Check your spark plugs!" came the voice louder now, and I turned around to see a white horse looking at me from a field. And lo and behold it opened its mouth and spoke:
"Its your spark plugs, you should check them."
I was a bit shaken by this but I checked my spark plugs and sure enough, that was the problem. I replaced the broken ones and was on my way - quite glad to be away from that creepy hellhole.
I pulled into a pub a mile up the road, I was really quite shaken by the whole thing. The combination of the darkness and being stuck there was quite scary. The barman asked me if I was feeling alright, I looked a bit pale, so I told him my story about the horse and my car breaking down. Everyone around the pub listened in and when I was finished the barman said:
"Hmm, you're lucky it wasn't the black horse" awful ominously, to murmurs of agreement from the people around.
"Wh...why's that then?" I asked. The barman replied.
"He knows fuck all about cars"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nndhz/youre_lucky_it_wasnt_the_black_horse/
%
One day, King Arthur had to leave Camelot to go for a diplomatic hunt. Worried about his wife's potential infidelity, he asks Merlin to fashion her a chastity belt...

Merlin assures the king that anything that is put through the hole in the chastity belt will be immediately cut off with magic.
Satisfied, King Arthur goes on his hunt. When he returns several days later, he immediately goes to the Knights of the Round Table and asks all of them to drop their pants.
Incredibly, all of their dicks are cut off, except Sir Lancelot. King Arthur, furious, yells at his knights, "See! Look how none of you are trustworthy around my wife. How dare you all to betray me! I shall have you all demoted, except for Sir Lancelot, my dearest, truest friend. Thank you for keeping my trust, good noble sir. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?"
...But Sir Lancelot could not speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nnbuv/one_day_king_arthur_had_to_leave_camelot_to_go/
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The Penguin

After several years of hard luck with the ladies, a man decides to go to a whore house. He speaks with the Madame and inquires on price. "Well," she says, "it's $100 for sex, $50 for a blow job, and $20 for a hand job." The man sighed, looked down at his feet, and replied, "Ma'am, I'm a bit down on my luck. I only have $10. Is there anything you could do?" After thinking for a minute, the Madame says, "I have just the thing. For $10, I can give you a penguin. Head to room 504." The man thought it was strange, but he was desperate, so he accepted. After wandering through the whore house, he eventually finds room 504. Inside, there are three beautiful women calling for him. "There must be a mistake..." he started, but the women promptly pulled down his pants and started pleasuring him and each other. Right as the man was about to finish, however, the three women bolted out of the room. With his pants still around his ankles, the man chased after the girls, squawking, "Come back! Come back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nn9tq/the_penguin/
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I don't know much about Switzerland...

...but I hear that their flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nn8hh/i_dont_know_much_about_switzerland/
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I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nn5si/i_can_cut_down_a_tree_just_by_looking_at_it/
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Panda and a Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'
The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nn3a0/panda_and_a_prostitute/
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Some guys tried selling me a funeral plot.

I told him that would be the last thing I'd ever spend my money on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nn1vn/some_guys_tried_selling_me_a_funeral_plot/
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After the assassination of Tsar Alexander II of Russia, a government official in Ukraine menacingly addressed the local rabbi,

"I suppose you know in full detail who was behind it."
"Ach," the rabbi replied, "I have no idea, but the government's conclusion will be the same as always: they will blame the Jews and the chimneysweeps."
"Why the chimneysweeps?" asked the befuddled official.
"Why the Jews?" responded the rabbi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nn15x/after_the_assassination_of_tsar_alexander_ii_of/
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Photographers are violent people.

First they frame you, then they shoot you, and then they hang you on a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmzr3/photographers_are_violent_people/
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What's a chicken's favourite console?

An Eggsbox One

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmuma/whats_a_chickens_favourite_console/
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I like my women like I like my cigars...

7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmtvh/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_cigars/
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TIL that Princess Diana had a bad dandruff problem.

Apparently they found her head and shoulders in the glove box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmszg/til_that_princess_diana_had_a_bad_dandruff_problem/
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I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nms98/im_36_and_last_night_when_i_was_out_with_my_19/
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A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmrcy/a_friend_got_mad_at_me_for_smelling_his_sisters/
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Love is a lot like algebra...

... You look at your X and wonder Y!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmrc5/love_is_a_lot_like_algebra/
%
A lady walked Into a pharmacy and spoke with the pharmacist

She asks the pharmacist if he has viagra. "I sure do" he responds. "Does it actually work?". "Of course it does." He responds. "Can you get it over the counter?" She asks.
"I can if I take two".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmq75/a_lady_walked_into_a_pharmacy_and_spoke_with_the/
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Haji

comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.
The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Haji takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes.
Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked! I feel terrific. What was it?"
The doctor replies, "You were homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmpsl/haji/
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Are you looking for trouble?!

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmoka/are_you_looking_for_trouble/
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My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmm40/my_friend_just_asked_me_if_you_became_invisible/
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What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bike, and a well-dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmhny/what_is_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed/
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Burn unit

I asked the doctor what they did with all the foreskins after circumcisions, he told me that years ago they would send them to the burn unit for people with facial burns for eyelid reconstruction. I asked, why did they stop? He says, because ask the patients ended up looking cockeyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmg3y/burn_unit/
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What's better than winning gold at the Paraplegic Olympics?

Walking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmfwc/whats_better_than_winning_gold_at_the_paraplegic/
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Cowboy in Montana

A Montana cowboy was watching his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The cowboy looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NAS satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
You're a Congressman for the U. S. Government', says the cowboy.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required,' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmfsr/cowboy_in_montana/
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Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says

, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nmaz9/sitting_in_a_bar_the_scotsman_says/
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A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle

, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.
The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and everyone got in line to get some well-deserved food.
The civilian decided he was going to have some juice, but so did everyone else. He ended up waiting a whole hour just to get his juice from the juice table.
When he finally got to the table, he told the crewman running the table "What the hell? You had me wait a whole hour just for some juice! The party is practically over by now!"
The crewman responded "Sorry, bud. The punchlines are never that great on this sub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nm8kf/a_military_crew_in_a_submarine_just_won_a_major/
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New fast and the Furious movie should be called... 'Fast 10: Your Seat belts'

Source: Wife's Facebook... made me chuckle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nm6jo/new_fast_and_the_furious_movie_should_be_called/
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Sure white people can't say the n-word.

But at least we can say things like "Hey, Dad" or "Thanks for the warning, Officer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nm59j/sure_white_people_cant_say_the_nword/
%
I was at the train station.

The woman next to me said, "Is the next train from London to Edinburgh?"
I said, "I doubt it. I don't think trains are that long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nm3iy/i_was_at_the_train_station/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it reaches full sighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nm2ul/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
I got a leaflet through the door this morning about home invasions.

I really should lock it when I'm having a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nm2ni/i_got_a_leaflet_through_the_door_this_morning/
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Any woman who thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach...

is aiming about ten inches too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nm0p7/any_woman_who_thinks_the_way_to_a_mans_heart_is/
%
you're like an english peasant in the 1300s

revolting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nlyob/youre_like_an_english_peasant_in_the_1300s/
%
Where's your Ferrari?

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00, including tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450, or $5400 annually.  Not accounting for inflation, you have spent $108,000 in the last 20 years!  That money could 've been put into an investment account and, after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you would now have enough money to buy a Ferrari.
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nly8k/wheres_your_ferrari/
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An Irish guy walks out of a bar....

It could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nlxld/an_irish_guy_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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My girlfriends twin.

My girlfriend is a twin and all my friends want to know is how i can tell them apart.
"Its easy when you know what you're looking for," i say. "Jess has a freckle on her jaw and Dan has a cock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nlvp1/my_girlfriends_twin/
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An arab potato farmer.

A sixty years old Arab man lived in New York. He love d to plant potatoes in his garden, but he was alone, old and weak. His son was in Jail, so he sent him a letter. He explained his problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I'm sure if you were here, you would help me and dig up the garden for me."
The following day the old man recieved a letter from his son, "Beloved father, please don't touch the garden, I've hidden THE THING there. I love you too, Ahmed". At 4 pm the US army the US army, CIA, FBI visited the man dug up the garden but couldn't find anything. Disappointed they left the house. A day later the old man received a letter from his son, "Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up now and You can plant the potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nlv7s/an_arab_potato_farmer/
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True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.

Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nluee/true_story_when_i_was_a_kid_i_used_to_mix_up/
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What's the best way to make friends?

Tell a woman you love her, to which she'll say "I think we're just friends".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nlsg9/whats_the_best_way_to_make_friends/
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The Circus needed a new act...

there were 2 performers gunning for the opportunity: a beatiful woman and a man badly dressed.
The woman started her act, which was lion taming: she stripped stark naked, entered the lion´s cage, and made the beast postrate and lick her entire body, from head to toes.
The ringmaster was impressed, and asked the other performer:
"Can you do better than that?"
"Yes, and I dont even need to be whipped"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nlqkt/the_circus_needed_a_new_act/
%
Did you hear about the gay lion?

He swallowed his own pride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nlp02/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_lion/
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That’s a nice ham you’ve got there…

It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nllx0/thats_a_nice_ham_youve_got_there/
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I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig ..

It's not a beautiful poem but it's really deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nlivm/i_dig_she_dig_we_dig_he_dig_they_dig_you_dig/
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I told my job interview that I studied philosophy at school.

He said, "Was that useful?"
I said, "I don't know. Was it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nlggr/i_told_my_job_interview_that_i_studied_philosophy/
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“Thank you for calling the NSA…”

“The only government organization that actually listens to you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nlevs/thank_you_for_calling_the_nsa/
%
A majority of English Speakers do not know the opposite of these words...

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nle6h/a_majority_of_english_speakers_do_not_know_the/
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I went to see the doctor the other day...

...and as I arrived, a nun rushed out crying.  So, I said to the doctor, "d'you know, when I arrived here, a nun rushed out crying!".  Doctor says, "oh yeah, I just told her she's pregnant."
"Oh my God," says I, "is she really?"
"No, of course not," says the doctor, "but it cured her hiccups!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nlcnz/i_went_to_see_the_doctor_the_other_day/
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What do you call a floating dog?

A good buoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nl5om/what_do_you_call_a_floating_dog/
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A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.
The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.
Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back up into a scowl. "Me bucko," he says, "Do ye see that fence out there? On O'Mally's farm?"
The tourist nods.
"That fence," Seamus continues, "had to completely encircle 48 acres of land. I built it all by meself, with only a hammer and me bare hands. All through the summer and all through the winter, I worked on that damn fence. Never asked for a penny in return, either. But they don't call me 'Seamus the fence builder.'"
Seamus gulps his pint, and wipes the foam off his beard. "Do you see that football, boyo? On the mantle?"
The tourist nods.
"Forty years ago, I kicked that ball right into Liverpool's net. Won the game for our entire team. It was the proudest moment in Irish football history. But they don't call me 'Seamus the Footballer.'"
Seamus points to the floor. "You see that bear-skin rug?"
The tourist nods, again.
"If you look closely, you can still see where I stabbed 'im with a bottle opener. Tracked that monster for thirty days and thirty nights all through the countryside. He had me dead to rights near the end, but ol' Seamus got the last laugh. But aye... They don't call me 'Seamus the bear-hunter.' No..."
Seamus stands up, and stares out the window. "But you fuck *one* goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nl4qk/a_tourist_walks_into_a_bar/
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Finnish lumberjack migrated to America...

... and started working right away. Fiirst morning he foreman gave him a chainsaw and told him:
-"You need to cut at least 100 cubic meters of wood to fill your quota for the day."
Later that evening when the foreman came back to check the site the finn had cut only 78 cubic meters of wood.
-"I thought you Finlanders we're hard workers, this does not look very good...", said the foreman but decided to let the poor guy try for one more day.
But the next day's result was only slightly better, adding up to 85 cubic meters of wood.
-"What is your problem?" the foreman asked the finn and the finn replied:
-" I really don't know mr Boss! I'm working as hard as I can, maybe I'm not used to this saw you gave me..."
The foreman asked to see the saw the finn was using to see if it had any problems. When he started the saw the finn looked very puzzled and asked:
-"What the hell is that noise?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nl48z/finnish_lumberjack_migrated_to_america/
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My first time having sex was like watching a game of golf.

I hated it. It was really long and boring, and every time I complained my dad told me to shut the fuck up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nl3zu/my_first_time_having_sex_was_like_watching_a_game/
%
My wife told me to take out the trash...

So I took her out to dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nkxhx/my_wife_told_me_to_take_out_the_trash/
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Wife woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face..

Man I love sharpies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nkrmd/wife_woke_up_this_morning_with_a_huge_smile_on/
%
A priest goes to get a haircut and a shave

A priest gets a haircut and a shave, and asks the barber "how much do i owe you?"
The barber says "for a man of the cloth like yourself, father, no charge"
The next morning when the barber opens the shop, he finds a bouquet of 12 flowers on his doorstep.
Later that day a buddhist monk is in getting his head shaved. " how much do i owe you?" Asks the monk.
The barber replies, "for an enlightened man such as yourself, no charge"
The next morning when the barber comes to open the shop he finds 12 gems on his doorstep.
Later that day a rabbi comes in to get his beard lightly trimmed and a haircut. "How much do i owe you?" Asks the rabbi.
"For a man of god such as yourself, no charge" answered the barber.
The next morning when the barber comes to open the shop he finds 12 rabbis on his doorstep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nknpj/a_priest_goes_to_get_a_haircut_and_a_shave/
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NSFW Billy is late for the class

Teacher : Why are you late Billy ?
Billy : Ma'am, I had to take the cows to our neighbour's ranch for insemination.
Teacher : Can't your father do it ?
Billy : He can. But neighbor's bulls do it better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nkneo/nsfw_billy_is_late_for_the_class/
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What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?

It’s a pain in the neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nkm21/whats_it_like_to_be_kissed_by_a_vampire/
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How long could a Kardashian survive in the wild?

Forever. Plastic is not biodegradable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nkjsu/how_long_could_a_kardashian_survive_in_the_wild/
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An Atheist, a Vegan and a Vaper walks into a bar...

I only know because they told everyone within two minutes -_-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nki4k/an_atheist_a_vegan_and_a_vaper_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A girl I know got fired from a sperm bank..

She was drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nkhee/a_girl_i_know_got_fired_from_a_sperm_bank/
%
So my Spanish teacher told me to turn in my essay

I told her I ain't no snitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nkeys/so_my_spanish_teacher_told_me_to_turn_in_my_essay/
%
A Polish guy came to the police station, scared and very worried.

"What seems to be the case?" the police officer asked.
"My wife! She's wants to kill me!" said the guy.
"Are you sure? Tell us, what made you say so?"
"She went to work and left some things at the house so she asked if I could bring it over to her office, as it was my day off. When I went to pick up her purse, then I noticed something peeking out of it."
" What is it? A weapon?!" the police officer exclaimed.
"No sir.. something much worse. I found polish remover in her purse! I swear she wants me gone, officer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nked5/a_polish_guy_came_to_the_police_station_scared/
%
They say you are what you eat

I don't remember eating a big disappointment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nk793/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
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Give a man...

Give a man a jacket and he'll be warm for the night. Teach a man to jacket and he'll never leave the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nk3wh/give_a_man/
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving through the desert.

The car breaks down, and they've got no cell reception, so they have to walk to get help. The brunette says "I'll grab the bottled water in case we get thirsty." The redhead says, "I'll grab the snacks in case we get hungry."
The blonde rips the drivers side door off its hinges. "I'll take this door, so if we get hot, I can roll the window down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nk2tr/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_are_driving/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nk0zo/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
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I've been sober for 69 days

Not in a row or anything, just total.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nk0rs/ive_been_sober_for_69_days/
%
A Scottish guy announced to his mate that he was getting married...

I'll write this down phonetically, so use your best Scottish accent:
"Ahm gettin married next week."
"Are ye wearin a kilt?"
"Aye, ahm weerin a kilt."
"Wha's the tartin?"
"She's in a whit dress."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6njyfq/a_scottish_guy_announced_to_his_mate_that_he_was/
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My blind girlfriend said my dick was big

But I think she was pulling my leg.
UPDATE: Thank you all for getting me on the popular page!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6njyeq/my_blind_girlfriend_said_my_dick_was_big/
%
What kind of computer says "hello" when starting up?

Adele

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6njxqb/what_kind_of_computer_says_hello_when_starting_up/
%
How much does a flashlight weigh?

I dunno, but its probably light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6njr73/how_much_does_a_flashlight_weigh/
%
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6njqnv/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
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A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get one pound of brain?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6njq79/a_zombie_walks_into_a_brain_store/
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I work at a vet. Recently a patient had one of it's toes removed, and I've noticed that he has become more of a dick.

Do you think that there is a actual correlation, or am I just lack-toes-intolerant?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6njkr7/i_work_at_a_vet_recently_a_patient_had_one_of_its/
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TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they're more likely to be dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nji11/til_unvaccinated_children_are_less_likely_to_be/
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What does a robot do after sex

Nuts and Bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6njgoz/what_does_a_robot_do_after_sex/
%
Why don’t black folks go on cruises?

They’re not falling for that shit again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6njffe/why_dont_black_folks_go_on_cruises/
%
I had explosive diarrhoea this one time

And I was walking through an electronics aisle in a supermarket, which is when shit hit the fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6njeg4/i_had_explosive_diarrhoea_this_one_time/
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring?

Smallpox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6njdee/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do/
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Bert asks Ernie if he wanted to go out for ice cream.

Sherbert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6njarv/bert_asks_ernie_if_he_wanted_to_go_out_for_ice/
%
A guy with a lazy eye is sitting at a bar...

drinking his sorrows away.  The bartender notices the man is upset and asks, "What's wrong buddy?"
The guy says, "Well my wife left me, she thought I was seeing someone on the side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nj5et/a_guy_with_a_lazy_eye_is_sitting_at_a_bar/
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Why could the vulture not take two carcasses onto the plane?

Because he was only allowed one piece of carrion luggage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nj5bp/why_could_the_vulture_not_take_two_carcasses_onto/
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Girl, are you the sun?

Because it pains my eyes just to look at you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nj1u2/girl_are_you_the_sun/
%
An old woman called her husband during his drive home

Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s bloody hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nj1od/an_old_woman_called_her_husband_during_his_drive/
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Women call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make...

Then they call me poor and ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nj0yu/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
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[NSFW] A gay couple were in a car accident

Unfortunately one of them passed away. While making funeral arrangements, the mortician asks the bereaved how he would like his boyfriend prepared. I would like him made into a hot and spicy curry said the boyfriend.  Rather taken aback by this request the mortician couldn't help but ask why?
So I can feel him dribbling out my ass one last time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nj0dy/nsfw_a_gay_couple_were_in_a_car_accident/
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Dark humor is like food

Not everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nivbp/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
Don't trust javascript programmers

All they do is promises but they never callback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nium5/dont_trust_javascript_programmers/
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A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.
"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.
"Keep feeding him nickels!" the father said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nitw3/a_little_boy_swallows_a_nickel/
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Puns are the #1 form of comedy,

but poop jokes are a solid #2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6niti9/puns_are_the_1_form_of_comedy/
%
Why did the duck have to go to rehab?

He was addicted to quack!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nit6p/why_did_the_duck_have_to_go_to_rehab/
%
What do you call a bee that was just born?

A babee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nisbp/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_was_just_born/
%
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

There's one less drunk at the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nis8a/what_is_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding/
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Say what you will about Elon Musk

but with his plans to bring people to Mars, no one is a more creative serial killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nis5y/say_what_you_will_about_elon_musk/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Alickalotofpuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nipe5/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
The law of averages

A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
They spot a deer and the biologist shoots and misses left by three feet. The chemist shoots and misses right three feet. The statistician shouts "WE HIT IT !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nimlo/the_law_of_averages/
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A guy and a kid are walking through the woods at night...

As they're walking, the kid turns to the man and says
"Mister, I'm getting scared."
The man replies
"You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nim0k/a_guy_and_a_kid_are_walking_through_the_woods_at/
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What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nilc2/whats_the_difference_between_a_snow_man_and_a/
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What's big, brown, and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nij01/whats_big_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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What does Harry Potter play with when he's bored?

Ginny Weasley's emotions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nii2k/what_does_harry_potter_play_with_when_hes_bored/
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Hey girl, are you a chicken farmer?

Cause you just raised my cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nihyo/hey_girl_are_you_a_chicken_farmer/
%
I'm an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic

Every night I lie awake wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nifw9/im_an_agnostic_an_insomniac_and_a_dyslexic/
%
My little brother swallowed a coin and was to taken to the hospital

When I asked how he is doing, the nurse said "No change yet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nifs8/my_little_brother_swallowed_a_coin_and_was_to/
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"Looks like you're pregnant" says the doctor

-"I'm pregnant?" replies the woman cheerfully
-"No, it just looks like you are"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nienc/looks_like_youre_pregnant_says_the_doctor/
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Went to Disney World because my daughter is obsessed with Mickey Mouse.

She was so excited when I got home and told her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nicfg/went_to_disney_world_because_my_daughter_is/
%
What happens when a lion becomes a cannibal?

He swallows his pride...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nibhm/what_happens_when_a_lion_becomes_a_cannibal/
%
The only reason why Gordon Ramsay watches Smackdown...

Is because it's not Raw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6niakv/the_only_reason_why_gordon_ramsay_watches/
%
Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

Because they can't C#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ni9pf/why_do_java_programmers_wear_glasses/
%
I like my women like I like my cheese

Thick, white, and rich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ni5na/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_cheese/
%
I saw two guys walking down the street in matching clothing.

I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ni45f/i_saw_two_guys_walking_down_the_street_in/
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Doctor are my results ready?

"Doctor, are my results ready? I'm dying from curiosity!"
Doctor: "Heh, not only from curiosity ;)"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ni2ov/doctor_are_my_results_ready/
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Two men are sitting next to each other in a hotel bar

After they've each had a few, they begin to strike up a conversation. They chat on about business and family and life for a time. Then, after awhile, the first guy says, "Hey, do you want to hear something incredible?"
The second guy replies, "Sure, why not?"
"If you go to the roof of this hotel, there's an incredible view," the first guy explains. "But -  much better than that - the way the air currents work, if you lean over the side, you can float!" The second guy begins laughing at this, but the first guy stops him with a look. "I'll bet you $100 that it's true, come up to the roof with me and I'll show you."
The second guy, pretty blitzed at this point, figures why not and follows the first guy up the elevator to the roof.
"I'm telling you, it's the way the air currents work," the first guy says. "The strong breeze coming off the lake meets the gusts of wind blowing up here and they keep you afloat!" He slaps a $100 bill in the second man's hand and states, "Look, if I'm right then you give me that back along with another $100. If I'm not...well, then I guess you get to keep it anyways."
The second guy, meanwhile is thinking to himself, "Man, if this guy is gonna give me $100 and jump off, it's no skin off my back"
The first guy goes up into the ledge, slowly leans over and - sure enough, he's just floating there! He laughs, hovering for a few seconds, and then pulls himself back onto the roof.
The second guy, in complete disbelief, standing there with his jaw wide open, slowly hands $200 over to the first guy. Then a wide grin breaks over his face and he exuberantly yells "I have GOT to try this!"
So the second guy gets up onto the ledge, sloowwwly leans over, and - plummets twenty stories to his death.
The first guy pockets the $200 and goes back down to the bar. The bartender looks over at him, shaking his head.
"Superman, you're such an asshole"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhycz/two_men_are_sitting_next_to_each_other_in_a_hotel/
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A town has banned music, and a monastery has popped up dedicated to worship in chorus.

The town's police were at the gates of the monastery every night, however the brother of the town's mayor was part of the monks, and used his connection to his brother to stop the police from interrupting their choral ceremonies.
After a year long stalemate, a man named Hugh came to the town, and decided to run for mayor. The race was close, but the townspeople were tired of listening to the monks chorus in the late nights, and decided that their current mayor would not stop them.
The same day he won, Hugh had demanded the monks cease singing, or else he would have to take extreme measures. Finally the monk's chorus stopped, and with it the monastery planned to migrate to a new town.
Awestruck, a police officer that was transferred from a different town's department went to the chief and asked him a question. "How is it after a year of arguments, the prior mayor didn't stop the monks' songs, yet this mayor stopped it in a day."
The police chief smiled at the new recruit as he said "Don't you know? Only Hugh can prevent Chorus Friars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhy0k/a_town_has_banned_music_and_a_monastery_has/
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Pregnant Wife

Guy: Doctor, My wife is pregnant but we always used double protection. Then, how is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story to make you realize how it is possible.
"There was a Hunter who always carried a Gun wherever he went. One day, he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died.
Guy:That is totally nonsense. Someone else must have shot the Lion!
Doctor: Good! Next patient please...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhv3k/pregnant_wife/
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I just saw a fat squirrel with two nuts in it's mouth.

Damn I miss my ex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhv0o/i_just_saw_a_fat_squirrel_with_two_nuts_in_its/
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Besides losing, what else did the Confederacy do?

Their cousins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhuo7/besides_losing_what_else_did_the_confederacy_do/
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How did I escape Iraq?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhuff/how_did_i_escape_iraq/
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Don't smoke kids,

Because smoking kids is illegal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhsgp/dont_smoke_kids/
%
If a midget smokes pot...

...does he get high or medium?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhnn0/if_a_midget_smokes_pot/
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C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhjnb/c_eflat_and_g_walk_into_a_bar/
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I saw Trump Jr. Today but he told me he was in a hurry and couldn't talk.

Turns out he was lying about rushin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhi0d/i_saw_trump_jr_today_but_he_told_me_he_was_in_a/
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"Nothing rhymes with Orange."

No it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhhdk/nothing_rhymes_with_orange/
%
Two men run near a car. One is in front of the car and the other is behind it.

The one in the front gets tired eventually,
but the guy in the back is exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhgml/two_men_run_near_a_car_one_is_in_front_of_the_car/
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I had a chance to buy a couple of haunted houses and turn them into rental properties...

but I said no, because who wants to be the lessor of two evils?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhgd9/i_had_a_chance_to_buy_a_couple_of_haunted_houses/
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Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on Earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded. “Counting your ribs!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhg77/sometimes_women_are_overly_suspicious_of_their/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third guy a quarter of a beer, the fourth guy get a eighth of a beer the fifth orders a sixteenth of a beer...
The bar then collapses into a black hole due to the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nhdqh/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
Subway is a lot like a hand job

I can do it myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nh8e9/subway_is_a_lot_like_a_hand_job/
%
What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students?

Watch closely. I'm only gonna show this once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nh6hg/what_did_the_kamikaze_pilot_tell_his_students/
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Why did the pedestrian die after getting hit by a pot smoker?

Too much blunt force.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nh2as/why_did_the_pedestrian_die_after_getting_hit_by_a/
%
Whats the difference between a spear and a feminist?

A spear has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nh20u/whats_the_difference_between_a_spear_and_a/
%
Scientists claims that 85% of rainforests will be gone by 2025

but if we worked really hard, we can do it by the end of 2017

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngzkj/scientists_claims_that_85_of_rainforests_will_be/
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What did the farmer do to prove he's tough?

Grew a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngzi4/what_did_the_farmer_do_to_prove_hes_tough/
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[long] A man is really unhappy with his cat

It hardly shows him any love and always greets him with bites and scratches. Tired of his cat's behaviour, he decides to get rid of it.
He drives far out of town to a remote location in the countryside and abandons the cat. When he gets home, he finds the cat there, ready to scratch him again.
He gets even more infuriated this time and blindfolds the cat, drives him further out in the countryside and abandons the cat there. When he gets back home, the bugger is back again, greeting him with a bite.
This time he's raging with the pest. He blindfolds the cat, takes several u-turns on the way and keeps going left and right and then left and then right and leaves him in a deserted spot further away. And behold, when he gets back home, the cat is waiting for him.
He goes insane and vows to get rid of the cat forever. He drives for hours and hours on muddy roads through thick jungles and high mountains, the cat blindfolded the whole time. And somewhere in the middle of nowhere at a clearing in the forest, he abandons the cat, sure that he would never set eyes on him again.
Halfway back, he calls his wife and asks if the cat is at home. His wife says that the cat just got home. The man curses and replies "Put that little bastard on the line, I need help getting back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngwhn/long_a_man_is_really_unhappy_with_his_cat/
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Trump always wanted to be screwed by one of his kids

He just didn't expect it to be this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngvzm/trump_always_wanted_to_be_screwed_by_one_of_his/
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With all these reposts on r/Jokes...

Someone's bound to have reddit all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngu9m/with_all_these_reposts_on_rjokes/
%
The shortest programmer joke goes like this:

"I'm almost done!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngt5g/the_shortest_programmer_joke_goes_like_this/
%
A woman walked into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.

The librarian said, "they're right behind you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngt4i/a_woman_walked_into_a_library_and_asked_if_they/
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What are you when you're going to the bathroom?

Russian. What are you when you're in the bathroom?
European.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngq1y/what_are_you_when_youre_going_to_the_bathroom/
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Why didn't Bach attend Vivaldi's concert?

He was baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngpwy/why_didnt_bach_attend_vivaldis_concert/
%
An old woman wants to get married one last time so she doesn't die alone.

She takes out an ad in the paper that says, "I'm looking for a husband. You must not hit me, you must not walk out on me, and you must be good in bed. If you're interested, come by my house tomorrow so I can get to know you."
The next day, several men show up at her house, but none of them quite seem right for her. The old woman is just about to give up hope when her doorbell rings one last time. She opens the door to see an old man in a wheelchair with no arms or legs. The old woman feels bad for the man so she wheels him inside.
"Thank you for stopping by," she tells him. "But I don't know if you're exactly what I'm looking for."
"Well," the old man replies, "I have no arms so I can't hit you, and I have no legs so I can't walk out on you."
The old woman finds herself actually considering the man and asks "Ok, but what about the last thing? Are you any good in bed?"
And the old man smiles and says, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngn9f/an_old_woman_wants_to_get_married_one_last_time/
%
How were people born?"

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngkec/how_were_people_born/
%
"So is that a gun in your trousers or are you just happy to see me?"

"Both ,now get in the van"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngjng/so_is_that_a_gun_in_your_trousers_or_are_you_just/
%
Guy pulls into a road-side restaurant after a long day on the road.

Sits at the counter next to another guy, who's hovering over his bowl of chili. The guy is famished and is about to order food, when he leans in and asks the other guy hovering over the bowl, "Say, is that chili any good?"
The hovering guys responds, "Yes."
The traveler, slightly confused asks, "Well.... aren't you gonna eat it?"
The hovering guys says, "Nope."
Traveler responds, "Well, if you aren't gonna eat it, mind if I?"
He slides the bowl over to the traveler, and traveler takes a bite. It's amazing! The best chili he's ever tasted! He proceeds to devour the bowl, shoveling the chili in as fast as he can.
Finally he gets to the bottom of the bowl and sees a dead cockroach sitting at the bottom. He vomits every delicious morsel back into the bowl.
The hovering man leans in and whispers, "That's exactly what I just did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngit8/guy_pulls_into_a_roadside_restaurant_after_a_long/
%
A fish swimming down a stream spots a fly flying right over him.

The fish thinks, "if that fly drops six inches, I can jump and catch that fly."
A bear see the fish that sees the fly. The bear thinks, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly and I can catch the fish."
A hunter sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the fly. The hunter thinks, "if the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, and I can shoot the bear."
A mouse sees the hunter that sees the bear that sees the fish that sees fly. The mouse thinks, "If the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and I can get the cheese in the hunters lunch."
A cat sees the mouse that sees the hunter that sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the fly. The cat thinks, "If the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will get the cheese, and I can catch the mouse.
The fly dropped six inches.
The fish caught the fly, the bear caught the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse got the cheese, and the cat pounce for the mouse but miss and landed in the stream.
Moral of the story: When the fly drops six inches, the pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngi08/a_fish_swimming_down_a_stream_spots_a_fly_flying/
%
How do stoners propose to one another?

Marriage, you wanna?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nghmw/how_do_stoners_propose_to_one_another/
%
I think I might be racist

So I was out driving the other day and saw a white man running.  I thought to myself "how great, this guy really has it together and is out working on his fitness."
Then later I saw a black man out running and I became a little nervous and put my head on a swivel.  I couldn't help but think a crime had just been committed and surely the police were close behind.
Soon after that I saw an Asian man out for a run.  So I instinctively turned and ran in the same direction exclaiming "RUN IT'S GODZILLA!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngg9x/i_think_i_might_be_racist/
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C and C++ walk into a bar...

After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngf8v/c_and_c_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ngahn/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
%
So the pope is touring America, but he tells his driver that he wants to drive because he hasn't driven a car in years...

...  The driver says "Alright, not standard behavior, but whatever you'd like your excellency." And the pope moved to the driver's seat and the driver goes to the passenger seat. Shortly after getting on the highway the pope and his driver get pulled over for speeding. The police officer looks into the car and is amazed. He lets them go with a warning. When the cop gets home he says to his wife "I pulled over someone very important today." And his wife says "Was it the president?" The officer says no. "Was it the Governor?" Again the cop says no. This continues until the wife gets frustrated and says "WELL WHO WAS IT??!?" And the officer says "Well I don't know honey, but he must have been pretty important, because the pope was his driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ng737/so_the_pope_is_touring_america_but_he_tells_his/
%
Who do Russians pirate so many movies?

Because there's never anything to watch on Nyetflix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ng5yo/who_do_russians_pirate_so_many_movies/
%
What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ng5c4/what_do_you_call_an_emo_a_capella_group/
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What is a resistors favorite breakfast?

An Ohm-let

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ng4er/what_is_a_resistors_favorite_breakfast/
%
What does a German man call his penis?

Mineshaft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ng34h/what_does_a_german_man_call_his_penis/
%
If cows say "moo" and ghosts say "boo", what does the ghost of a cow say?

Nothing. Cows don't have souls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ng25o/if_cows_say_moo_and_ghosts_say_boo_what_does_the/
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When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ng0i9/when_england_had_an_emperor_it_was_an_empire_when/
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Mother and son in Grocery store.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."  - collected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nfzyr/mother_and_son_in_grocery_store/
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People who make soda jokes.

People who make soda jokes must know a lot about pop culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nfz11/people_who_make_soda_jokes/
%
Border officer: Do you have anything to declare?

Traveller: Only an undying love of travel puns.
Border officer: ...You just crossed a line, kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nfyad/border_officer_do_you_have_anything_to_declare/
%
The housemaid has some bad and good news.

A housemaid calls her boss and says "I've got some good and bad news"
"Well give me the bad news first"
"Your dog died"
"My dog died! When did that happen?"
"After the horse kicked it"
"Well why in the world did the horse kick it?"
"Because the stables were on fire"
"The stables were on fire! I just feckin built them!"
"Well the flames managed to spread from the house somehow..."
"The house! The house caught fire? How the hell did that happen?"
"A candle fell off of your dad's coffin"
"My dad died? When did THAT happen?"
"Soon after your mothers funeral I believe"
"My mother died too? How has such tragedy struck me on my holiday to Spain? Well damn you woman! What's the good news?"
"Well, the heat from the flames brought the dandelions up high before the spring!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nft1e/the_housemaid_has_some_bad_and_good_news/
%
What do you call three trees close together?

A treesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nfpc7/what_do_you_call_three_trees_close_together/
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I like my women like I like my coffee.

From a third world country and at a reasonable price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nfoel/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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The groupies keep knocking on my door...

...but I won't let them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nfmbq/the_groupies_keep_knocking_on_my_door/
%
What do you call a sad singer in a bath tub....

A soap opera...
(My first joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nfjwa/what_do_you_call_a_sad_singer_in_a_bath_tub/
%
My dad always farts to my face and apologize..

..He always say "sorry son, I have Fartinsons disease"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nfjpe/my_dad_always_farts_to_my_face_and_apologize/
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It's not gay if you don't make eye contact

At least that's what my dad said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nfiwb/its_not_gay_if_you_dont_make_eye_contact/
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The man who created autocorrect has died.

Restaurant In Peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nfhaa/the_man_who_created_autocorrect_has_died/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nfe3p/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
Just saw a kid riding a bike

Thought it was mine, I checked the garage and it's still there, locked up, safe and sound, begging for food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nfb9j/just_saw_a_kid_riding_a_bike/
%
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nf9fw/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
%
The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"
Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nf9b6/the_sky_above_looked_ominous_so_i_asked_siri/
%
I'm planning to make a film series on databases.

I've got the first part ready, but I can't think of a SQL.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nf8hk/im_planning_to_make_a_film_series_on_databases/
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Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nf7zt/why_did_the_bald_man_paint_rabbits_on_his_head/
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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving...

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nf71o/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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How do you distinguish between a Japanese guy and a Chinese guy?

Use a Geiger Counter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nf3ts/how_do_you_distinguish_between_a_japanese_guy_and/
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What do you call a mexican that lost his car ?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nf2ab/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_that_lost_his_car/
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I tried to write a suicide note today...

I got a paper cut. I guess that's a start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nf27v/i_tried_to_write_a_suicide_note_today/
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The Invisible Man has a warrant out for his arrest.

The charge is "Failure To Appear".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nf27d/the_invisible_man_has_a_warrant_out_for_his_arrest/
%
My wife says I have too many hobbies

I already gave up tennis and swimming, but painting is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ney4y/my_wife_says_i_have_too_many_hobbies/
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A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it’s raining," says the man.
"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nexsv/a_couple_is_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nergv/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
Have you heard of ear sex?

Sounds weird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nepjq/have_you_heard_of_ear_sex/
%
At the races

A Statistician, Engineer and Physicist go to the horse track.
Each have their system for betting on the winner and they're sure of it.
After the race is over, the Statistician wanders into the nearby bar, defeated. He notices the Engineer, sits down next to him, and begins lamenting: "I don't understand it. I tabulated the recent performance of all these horses, cross-referenced them with trends for others of their breed, considered seasonal variability, everything. I couldn't have lost."
"Yeah," says the Engineer, "well, forget that. I ran simulations based on their weight, mechanical ratios, performance models, everything, and I'm no better off."
Suddenly, they notice a commotion in the corner. The Physicist is sitting there, buying rounds and counting his winnings.
The Engineer and Statistician decide they've got to know, so they shuffle over and ask him, "what's your secret, how'd you do it?"
The Physicist leans back, takes a deep breath, and begins, "Well, first I assumed all the horses were spherical and identical..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nen56/at_the_races/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nen51/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_went_on_a_camping/
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Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.

The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nemxr/two_guys_are_walking_through_a_game_park_they/
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A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nemtd/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
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Damn girl are you my report card?

Because my parents would be disgusted if they saw you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nelh9/damn_girl_are_you_my_report_card/
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three.
One to climb the ladder.
One to shake the ladder.
And one to sue the ladder company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nej4s/how_many_lawyers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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A Japanese venture capitalist fell in love with a blonde

A Japanese venture capitalist was visiting the USA to evaluate a startup. The founder was desperate to get funding and to close the deal asked his blonde girlfriend to flirt with him.
The Japanese had never seen such a beauty before and instantly fell in love. The Japanese man asked the blonde to marry him. The blonde was in a fix and didn't want to say no and jeopardize the funding.
Blonde says : I can marry, if you promise you will never look at any other girl.
Japanese happily agreed and says - for you, I will never look at any other girl.
Blonde says: I can marry, if you get me the biggest diamond ring.
Japanese happily agreed and said - for you, I will get the biggest diamond ring.
Blonde says: I can marry, if you get me a Lamborgini.
Japanese happily agreed and said - for you, I will get a Lamborgini and Ferrari.
The blonde realized that the Japanese was flithy rich and he will agree to everything she asks.
Blonde says: I can marry, if you have 8 inch dick.
The Japanese became really sad. The blonde was happy that she found a way.
The Japanese sadly says - for you, I will get my dick cut by 2 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nef4x/a_japanese_venture_capitalist_fell_in_love_with_a/
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If I had a dollar for everything wrong with capitalism

... then I probably wouldn’t be complaining about capitalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nee8x/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_everything_wrong_with/
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Mickey and Minnie are having a divorce.

The attorney says "Mickey, you're going to divorce with Minnie because she's... extreme silly?"
Mickey replies "No, its because she's fucking goofy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6necyo/mickey_and_minnie_are_having_a_divorce/
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Two priests are out driving one day, when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6neagy/two_priests_are_out_driving_one_day_when_they_get/
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I man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and ask for the most expensive drink, after doing that he starts doing shadow boxing, the barman looks at him confused and serves him his drink, after the man finish his drink he ask another one and starts shadow boxing again,the man finish the drink ask another one and starts shadow boxing again, the barman curious ask the man ¿when is the big fight? and the man says:whenever you want because i don't have any money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ne95a/i_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I Used To Have A Viagra Addiction.

It was the hardest part of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ne5ww/i_used_to_have_a_viagra_addiction/
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What did the man say upon going on 9GAG?

"Already Reddit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ne4t1/what_did_the_man_say_upon_going_on_9gag/
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I nearly had a threesome last night.

I only needed two more people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ne3hp/i_nearly_had_a_threesome_last_night/
%
What did the femur say to the pelvis?

Well, this is a hip joint!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ne36h/what_did_the_femur_say_to_the_pelvis/
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Constipated mathematician looks for a solution.

Works it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ne25i/constipated_mathematician_looks_for_a_solution/
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The titanic was built to last......

let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndwrl/the_titanic_was_built_to_last/
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Customer compliants

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndv2y/customer_compliants/
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What is it called when you're having second thoughts about booking a room at a Native American casino?

A reservation reservation reservation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndv00/what_is_it_called_when_youre_having_second/
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Opposite of laughter

A teacher asked a student "What's the opposite of laughter?"
Student replied: "sex"
Teacher stood shocked for few seconds, then asked: "what made you think that's the answer?"
Student: "When you laugh you say *ha ha ha*, and when you have sex you say *ah ah ah*".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndui0/opposite_of_laughter/
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[NSFW] How are radical Christianity and Islam similar?

They both fuck kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndt3y/nsfw_how_are_radical_christianity_and_islam/
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Whats the best Navy in the world?

The French Navy, you'll never see them coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nds52/whats_the_best_navy_in_the_world/
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Whats the difference between a boy scout and a Jew?

The boy scouts came home from their camps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndqwa/whats_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a_jew/
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Are you looking for a stud?

Because I already got std and all I need is u!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndm8i/are_you_looking_for_a_stud/
%
James from Bulgaria lived trains.

James from Bulgaria loved trains since he was a boy. He particularly loved how fast they could go. As a child he enjoyed playing with model trains and even owned an old conductors hat that he wore everywhere.
When he grew up he worked very hard and eventually became a train driver. And he loved it. He finally felt he was where he needed to be.
One day he was driving his train and he remembered that the speed of the trains was what brought him to the business. And since there was only a few passengers on his morning route, he decided to go above the regulated speed. The train was derailed and crashed in a field. James was fine thankfully but unfortunately one passenger died.
Now the charge for manslaughter in Bulgaria is execution by electric chair. So James served his time and when we was asked what he would like for his last meal, he said:
"I'd like one banana"
So the guard, slightly baffled, served him a banana and marched him to his death. The executioner flipped the switch and to everyone's surprise, James was fine.
James said "I've served my time and faced my execution. So I suppose I should be released."
And so he was. But on the outside James had a hard time getting a job until a friend approached him and told him that they were short staffed on train drivers so he could get him a job but he would have to stick to regulation. He agreed, and started driving trains a few days later. And all went well until one day he was running late and a business man who was running late for a meeting began berating James to go faster. And so he went a small bit faster than regulation.
The train was derailed again and this time two passengers died. James was arrested and when he was asked about his last meal he said:
"I'll have two bananas since I killed two people" And he ate the two bananas and was marched off once again to the electric chair.
The executioner flipped the switch and again, James survived. So he was set free.
So James did some soul searching and determined he wasn't fit to drive trains. So he decided that he would be in charge of safety measures and regulations. And after studying for a few years he did just that.
So on a routine inspection of a train he decided to drive it to know just how safe it was. And he decided that since there was nobody on the train he would push it to it's limits so he could know how to effectively put dampeners on it. So he drives as fast as he can and the train is derailed. But he didn't realise there were three engineers on the train who were all killed. Which inevitably led to his arrest.
So when it came to his last meal, without asking, he was served mushroom soup. The guard said:
"Just eat the soup. Because we don't know how you do it but you're not getting your magical fucking bananas!"
So James ate his soup and was marched to the electric chair. He sat in the chair and the switch was flipped. Miraculously he survived again.
The executioner, astounded, asked:
"How did you survive without the bananas?"
And James replied:
"It had nothing to do with the bananas. I'm just a bad conductor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndlsh/james_from_bulgaria_lived_trains/
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You know your trivia game is too old when

there's a question about what was most searched for ... on Lycos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndlom/you_know_your_trivia_game_is_too_old_when/
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Two old men and the whore house

Two old guys are walking down the street one day, reminiscing about the good old days, when they happened upon a whore house. They exchange looks, shrug their shoulders, and walked in. The madam took one look at them and thought to herself "I'm not wasting my young lovely ladies on these two old guys", so she puts blow up dolls in their rooms.  About an hour later, the two old guys are waking down the street again. The first old guy looks at the second old guy and said "How was yours?" The second old guy says "She was okay, I guess. She didn't move or moan or groan or anything. How was yours?" The first old guy responds "Well, I think mine was a witch!!" Second old man exclaims "A WITCH?!?! How do you figure that?!" First old man Says  "I bit her nipple, she farted, and flew out the window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndlfi/two_old_men_and_the_whore_house/
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A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash

. The bartender says, "Hey, come on man, you can't bring that thing in here, it's dangerous!"
The man responds, "No, watch, I'll prove it to you he is safe". He picks up the alligator and places him on the bar. He then taps the aliigator on the head once. The alligator's mouth opens immediately,  the man pulls out his junk and places it in the maw of the beast. Five minutes goes by, then ten without issue, and he pulls his penis and testicles out of the mouth. The man turns around and says, "Would anyone else like to try?"
A very drunk man from the corner of the bar who had been watching this all play out stands up and raises his hand. He exclaims, "I think I would like to try.......but I don't think I can hold my mouth open for that long!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndjzt/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_alligator_on_a/
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What do you call a white duck?

A quacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndjf4/what_do_you_call_a_white_duck/
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Legs?

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndjau/legs/
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How is eating pussy like being in the mafia?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndj8j/how_is_eating_pussy_like_being_in_the_mafia/
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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk into a bakery.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Trump goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Trump asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndioh/donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton_walk_into_a/
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The bell rang at school......

The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?" The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndhcr/the_bell_rang_at_school/
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I was recently misdiagnosed with hemorrhoids

It's just a pain in the ass if you ask me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ndfrs/i_was_recently_misdiagnosed_with_hemorrhoids/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nd8c9/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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What do you call the horse and sheep who live next door?

Your neigh-baas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nd6pp/what_do_you_call_the_horse_and_sheep_who_live/
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Why does my kinky friend not care what objects his girlfriend puts in his butt?

Because peggers can't be choosers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nd550/why_does_my_kinky_friend_not_care_what_objects/
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What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A Roman Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nd4aj/what_do_you_call_a_sleep_walking_nun/
%
What's the difference between Trump and a flying pig?

The 'f'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nd3yg/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_a_flying/
%
I'm going to start meditating.

Beats sitting around and doing nothing all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nd3kd/im_going_to_start_meditating/
%
I once met a girl with six pairs of boobs

Sounds weird dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nd2dy/i_once_met_a_girl_with_six_pairs_of_boobs/
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What do you call a horny alligator?

A sexual predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nd266/what_do_you_call_a_horny_alligator/
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Just finished reading a book on the history of tampons.

Very absorbing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nczr9/just_finished_reading_a_book_on_the_history_of/
%
What do you call a belt made of watches?

A waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nczn4/what_do_you_call_a_belt_made_of_watches/
%
A man goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs.

So the next day, he goes back to complain and the woman says ‘Hey it was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ncvtx/a_man_goes_to_a_5_lady_of_the_night_and_he_gets/
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What do you call a handjob on a plane?

A hijacking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ncsjx/what_do_you_call_a_handjob_on_a_plane/
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Einstein developed a theory about space..

..it was about time too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ncqna/einstein_developed_a_theory_about_space/
%
I went hunting with my preacher.

We went hunting in the same spot together. A deer walked out and we both shot at the same time. Upon inspecting the deer, we couldn't find any bullet holes. I said "It must be yours preacher. The bullet was like your sermons. It went in one ear and out the other!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ncnb8/i_went_hunting_with_my_preacher/
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[NSFW] A mother is driving down the highway with her five year old daughter in the back seat

and a dildo falls off the back of the truck in front of them and hits the windshield, the little girl asks "what was that mommy?" and the mother replies "oh, I, uhh, I don't know what that was..." and the little girl says "well whatever it was, it sure had a huge cock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ncmk7/nsfw_a_mother_is_driving_down_the_highway_with/
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2 ghosts meet in heaven...

Ghost 1: Hey
Ghost 2: Hey...
Ghost 1: So... How did you die?
Ghost 2: I was mistakenly locked up in a
refrigerator. At first i was chilling, then, i
started freezing, and then, i just couldn't breathe... Guess i died of suffocation.
Ghost 1: Wow.... what a sad way to die.
Ghost 2: Yeah. So, how about you?
Ghost 1: Heart attack.
Ghost 2: What happened?
Ghost 1: Well, my wife cheated on me. I came home and saw a man's pair of shoes. So i rushed to the bedroom and saw only my wife there, naked. i knew there was a man in the house because my neighbor told
me so. And i figured the man was still in the house as
my wife was still undressed and scared. So, I started running and searching the whole house: I searched in the kid's room, kitchen,
toilet, bathroom, wardrobe and dinning room. I just couldn't find him and i was exhausted of running, so i got a heart attack.
Ghost 2: YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!! If you had checked the refrigerator, both of us would be alive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nclkp/2_ghosts_meet_in_heaven/
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Why are there no phone books in China?

There are too many wings and wongs, so you might end up winging the wong number!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ncjyu/why_are_there_no_phone_books_in_china/
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Three men are captured by a cannibal tribe

They are taken before the tribe leader, who tells them that they are to perform a trial, and if they succeed, they will not be eaten.  All three are sent into the jungle with two tribesmen to pick a food item, then return to camp.
The first one returns with an apple.  He is told that if he can place the apple inside his rectum with no facial expression of any kind, he will be set free, otherwise he will be killed on the spot to be eaten. He tries hard, but cringed, and is killed.
The second man returns with something smaller, a strawberry, and is told by the leader to perform the same task.  He gets it almost all the way in, but than bursts into laughter, and is immediately killed.
The second man meets the first in the afterlife, still laughing uncontrollably.  The first man asks "Are you insane?  You could have made it!  They are literally eating our bodies as we speak!"
The man replies in between laughs "I couldn't help it!  I saw our other explorer coming back into camp with a pineapple!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ncjrd/three_men_are_captured_by_a_cannibal_tribe/
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I googled punches

I got 1 476 385 hits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nchz3/i_googled_punches/
%
This morning, I decided to wake up my girlfriend with a gentle fuck

followed by a gentle "you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nchfe/this_morning_i_decided_to_wake_up_my_girlfriend/
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I just left my job. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.

Friend: What did he say?
Me: You're fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nchbo/i_just_left_my_job_i_couldnt_work_for_that_man/
%
I got kicked off a plane today.

All I did was greet my friend Jack whom I haven't seen in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ncf76/i_got_kicked_off_a_plane_today/
%
why did god create man before he created woman?

because he didn't want any advice on how to do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ncdbo/why_did_god_create_man_before_he_created_woman/
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Two Belgian men are wandering around, far away from their town...

...when they walk past a bus depot. One of the men has the idea to steal a bus, so they can go home. The other man agrees and one of them climbs over the fence to steal a bus. After a lot of noise and two hours later, the Belgian finally returns with a bus. The other man asked what took him so long. The Belgian man responds: "The bus to Brussels was at the back of the building!"
Note 1: I think this is not a repost (I checked for it).
Note 2: English isn't my native language, so the story may contain some mistakes. Any corrections would be appreciated!
Note 3: In the Dutch jokeconomy, the Belgians are usually the stupid people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nccq1/two_belgian_men_are_wandering_around_far_away/
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Jesus walks into a bar with his deciples

He walks up to the bartender and orders 13 waters and turns around and winks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ncao5/jesus_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_deciples/
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Did you hear about the 2 guys who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nc6wh/did_you_hear_about_the_2_guys_who_stole_a_calendar/
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Street Fighter is kinda like gay sex

It's got two dudes trying to land a finishing blow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nc6hy/street_fighter_is_kinda_like_gay_sex/
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A man was driving in the Australian outback

when he decides to stop and take in the view. Suddenly and Aboriginal man runs up to him and demands his car and keys. The man quickly jumps back into his car and takes off. Hes driving 30 km/h but looks to his right sees the aboriginal man running right beside him. So he speeds up to 50 km/h but the Aboriginal is still beside him. So he speeds up to 80 km/h and then to 100 km/h but the Aboriginal is still right beside him. The man slams on the breaks and comes to a halt. He gets out of his car and asks the Aboriginal, "How do you run so fast?" The Aboriginal man replies "You'd run that fast if your balls were stuck in the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nc6bt/a_man_was_driving_in_the_australian_outback/
%
What's the most flammable book?

A matchbook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nc4zb/whats_the_most_flammable_book/
%
Where do poor Italian grow up?

The spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nc3tw/where_do_poor_italian_grow_up/
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I know this guy who does a lot of fasting

He doesn't give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nc0qu/i_know_this_guy_who_does_a_lot_of_fasting/
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An Indian woman jumps up mid flight and shouts 'is there a doctor on the plane?'

A nice, serious guy approaches quickly and says 'i'm a doctor, what's the problem?'
She replies 'Would you like to meet my daughter?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nbxmv/an_indian_woman_jumps_up_mid_flight_and_shouts_is/
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What kind of cheese isn't yours?

Cheese that you didn't pay for or receive as a gift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nbu27/what_kind_of_cheese_isnt_yours/
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Sex is like pizza

If you like it with pineapples, you're probably a sex offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nbt3c/sex_is_like_pizza/
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An Irish guy walks out of a bar....

It could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nbss3/an_irish_guy_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank...

...proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nbs3j/two_eskimos_sitting_in_a_kayak_were_chilly_so/
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I call my car the 'Pussy Wagon'

Because that's where I go to cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nbqma/i_call_my_car_the_pussy_wagon/
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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their rooms by Satan's henchmen.
The first man, an alcoholic, arrives at his room. The door is opened by Satan himself and he is pushed into a space a few miles across lined with row after row of only the most premium vodka, rum, whiskey and gin. He is pushed in and the door locked behind him.
The second man, a sex addict, is brought to another room. The door is opened and he is met by  hundreds of the most beautiful women he has ever seen, all immediately willing to jump his bones. He is pushed in and the door shut behind him.
The third man, a pothead and serious burnout, is brought to his room, full of the highest quality bud, piled into a mountain thousands of feet tall and miles across, with rolling papers in mile long rolls along the edge of the room. He is pushed in and the door locked behind them.
Soon enough, a decade, a century, and a millennia pass by and Satan makes his rounds to free the men. He opens the first door to see bottles strewn about and piles of thousand year old vomit everywhere, and a man passed out in his own filth. The man soon awakens, jumps up and yells "I'm sober, I swear I'm never having a drink again!"
Satan opens the second door, and immediately the man runs out, chased by a flock of horny women screaming "I'm gay! I'm gay! My dick shrivelled up and fell off three hundred years ago, I swear, I'm gay!"
Satan opens the third door, and is very surprised when the man doesn't come out. He peers in and sees nothing but the intact mount ganja. Satan quickly ascends the mountain of dank and meets the  third man at the summit.
Satan asks "you had a whole mountain of the best pot in the universe, why haven't you touched any of it?!"
A single tear rolls down the mans cheek. "You didn't give me a lighter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nbpf1/three_men_die_and_go_to_hell/
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The Case of St. Peter v. Lucifer

St. Peter gets up one day and goes out the gates of heaven, to see the gates of hell have moved forward by a large distance.  According to the agreement between heaven and hell, they must each come to an agreement anytime there is an expansion.  He walks down to the gates, and meets the devil, saying that he needs to move the gates back, until they can arrange for a proper meeting about zoning.  The devil disagrees, and St Peter tells him it needs to be fixed by the next day.
The next day rolls around and St Peter looks out and sees the gates are even closer.  Angrily, he storms into the Devil's office and demands answers.  The devil tells him" Look, Pete, you guys are lucky to get a handful of people a decade, and we get millions a year, we need the extra room.  We're not bringing our gates back."  To this St Peter angrily responds "Well then we will have to settle this in court." At this the devil bursts out laughing.  "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nbmlb/the_case_of_st_peter_v_lucifer/
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What did sushi A say to sushi B?

Wassa B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nbftz/what_did_sushi_a_say_to_sushi_b/
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Little Joe was at the farm, when he saw a dead chicken.

It was lying on its back, rigor mortis locking its legs in the air. He asks his dad why the chicken has his legs in the air. Dad, who's not exactly the brightest fellow, tells him that it's so that Jesus can reach down and pull them to heaven.
Later, at the family reunion, Joe runs to his dad crying.
"What's the matter?" Asked dad, concerned.
Little Joey cries "Mum nearly died! She was on her back with her legs in the air screaming 'Jesus I'm coming!' If it wasn't for uncle bruce holding her down she would've been gone forever!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nbebt/little_joe_was_at_the_farm_when_he_saw_a_dead/
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I'm getting mixed signals from my doctor.

First, he told me that I need to stop drinking so much, but he also told me I should get more shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nbaly/im_getting_mixed_signals_from_my_doctor/
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Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

Because she outgrew her B-Shells!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nb78e/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_seashells/
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Boss tells his crew he's leaving early

Boss: "Hey guys, I'm leaving early, you can handle it while I'm gone." The boss leaves and after a little bit, one of the workers, Greg,  turns to another and says "Hey, let's all leave too. Nobody will know let's just do it." So they all leave and Greg goes home and to his surprise hears some noises coming from the house. He slowly creeps in, and to his dismay, he sees his boss on top of his wife. He slowly backed out, closed the door and left.
The next day, the boss says" hey guys I'm leaving early again, since you handled it while I was gone yesterday." One of the other works turns to Greg and says " hey we should leave again like yesterday."
Greg says " Hell no, I almost got caught yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nb3ug/boss_tells_his_crew_hes_leaving_early/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman.

A man walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting alone at a table. He goes up to her and asks:
"What's your name, honey?"
"Carmen," the woman responds.
"That's an interesting name, what does it mean?" the man asks.
"My parents named me Carmen because I like two things -- cars and men," she replies. "And what's your name?"
"BJ Titsandgolf," the man says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nb2te/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_beautiful_woman/
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What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nb1nc/whats_a_horny_pirates_worst_nightmare/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nb1n2/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art.  Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic.  Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone.  And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again.  This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after.  As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved.  This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note.  People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo.  Words cannot do justice to the experience.  The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday.  All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note.  From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant.  Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage.  He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted!  The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains.  Soon the entire monastery was aflame.  By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order.  "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
- EDIT - Wow, I came back and this really blew up!  Thanks so much for the kind comments, and upvotes, and gold.  I'm so glad I could give so many people a chuckle today!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nb0uo/once_upon_a_time_in_the_magical_fantasy_kingdom/
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6naxmr/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
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The Wall of Lie-Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indication that she never told a lie."
"Incredible" said the man.
"And that's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe told two lies his entire life."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nautu/the_wall_of_lieclocks/
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Cow for sale

An old farmer in serious financial trouble put an ad selling a cow for $500.
Another farmer went to see it and they agreed to deliver the cow the next day, paying in advance.
However, the next day the buyer came and old farmer said:
I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The cow died.
"Well, then, give me my money back."
I can't. I've spent it all, I was in debt.
"I see, that's fine give me the cow anyway."
What? And what are you going to do with a dead cow?
"I'll raffle it!"
You cannot raffle a dead cow!
"Sure I can! Only, I won't tell anyone that the cow is dead..."
A month later, the two farmers met again and the one who sold the cow asked:
So what happened to the dead cow?
"I raffled her as I've told you. I've sold 500 tickets at 5 dollars each and made a profit of 2495 dollars."
What? And nobody complained?
"Just the guy who won the raffle. I gave him back the 5 dollars..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nauek/cow_for_sale/
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Two young brothers, eight and seven years old, are playing video games.

The older boy says: At breakfast tomorrow, we should say a cuss word!
The younger brother agrees and they go to bed that night giggling with excitement.
The next morning, their mom says to the older brother: What do you want for breakfast?
The boy replies: Aw, hell, gimme some Cheerios.
The mom grabs the boy by the ear and spanks him all the way up the stairs into his room.
She comes back down and asks the younger brother what he wants for breakfast.
The kid goes: I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it ain't going to be Cheerios!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6narj7/two_young_brothers_eight_and_seven_years_old_are/
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How do mummies attract mates?

Pharaoh-mones!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6naoar/how_do_mummies_attract_mates/
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Two Students from Asia Came to My High School...

They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude's like a math wiz. I'm really struggling, so I ask Ving if he'd give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I'm like yeah sure what. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American.
I'm like cool cool, so after school I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I'm like what's the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that he'd disrespect his ancestry by changing it.
So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it's our turn and Ving tells me he's picked "Lee" as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah.
Then it's time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can't do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws. Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors.
"DAD!" Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried,
"Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nandx/two_students_from_asia_came_to_my_high_school/
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I googled cigarette lighters

And got 1,500,000 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nalyt/i_googled_cigarette_lighters/
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God has an alzheimer

He gave black people beatiful white teeth but forgot about giving them reasons to smile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nal5k/god_has_an_alzheimer/
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One evening, a vicar has a brilliant idea.

Wouldn't it be wonderful, he thinks, to have a parrot in the church doorway to greet the congregation as they arrive on Sundays.
So, next morning, he gets up bright and early, and heads off to the nearest pet shop, where he enquires about parrots.
They have but one parrot in stock, and it takes one look at the vicar and calls out, "WANKER! WANKER!"
Not at all appropriate for a church, but no matter. There are other pet shops in town, and the vicar heads off to the next one.
They also have only the one parrot, which takes one look at the vicar and goes "BOLLOCKS! BOLLOCKS!"
So off to the next pet shop goes the vicar. And the next one, and the next one, because every parrot in every pet shop seems to speak only in profanities.
Finally, almost at closing time, a knackered vicar arrives at the last pet shop in town.
"Do you have any parrots?" he asks the gentleman behind the counter.
"I believe we do have a parrot, yes," says the gentleman.
"Does it have a potty beak?" asks the vicar.
"Potty beak, vicar?" says the gentleman.
"Yes, every parrot I've seen today has uttered the most dreadful obscenities," says the vicar, "and I really want a parrot to sit at the church door and greet the congregation, but not with blue language!"
"I think you're in luck, vicar," says the pet shop gentleman. "I think you'll love this parrot!"
The two of them go to the bird section of the pet shop, wherein is perched a very very lovely parrot indeed, with a piece of string attached to each leg.
"Pull the string on its right leg," says the pet shop gentleman. The vicar does, and the parrot recites the Lord's Prayer.  The vicar is delighted.
"Now pull the string on its left leg," says the gentleman. The vicar does, and the parrot sings the hymn "Abide With Me", not perfectly in tune, but it doesn't matter because it's SO CUTE!
The vicar is overjoyed, and gets his wallet out to buy the parrot, and asks, "so, what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?"
The parrot looks at him and says, "I fall off my fucking perch, you stupid cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nah72/one_evening_a_vicar_has_a_brilliant_idea/
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I'll never forget my Grandfathers last words....

Stop reposting this on reddit, you little shit....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nagq0/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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Researchers used CRISPR to encode a movie onto DNA

Time to create some viral memes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6naff3/researchers_used_crispr_to_encode_a_movie_onto_dna/
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Why should you never marry a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nads6/why_should_you_never_marry_a_tennis_player/
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The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nadgd/the_phone_rings_at_fbi_headquarters/
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There once was a poet named Stan...

...whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so,
He'd reply, "yes, I know,
But you see, the thing is, I seem to have gone and gotten myself into this really rather ridiculous habit recently of always trying to cram as many completely unnecessary additional syllables into the last line as I possibly can!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nac7i/there_once_was_a_poet_named_stan/
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A spiritual healer named Lee...

...ducked into an alley to pee.
He pissed in the eye,
Of some blind homeless guy,
Who cried, "holy shit! I can see!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6na6cu/a_spiritual_healer_named_lee/
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Johnny Comes Home From School

Johnny comes home from school and is greeted by his father.
"How was school son?" he asks
"Not great to be honest Dad," Johnny replies "Got my exam results today, it's not good, I failed."
"That's a shame Johnny," his dad says "you studied hard at home, where did it go wrong?"
"It's not all bad though Dad," Johnny says "I had sex with a teacher today"
Johnny's dad is shocked, but quite impressed "Well I'll tell you what Johnny, how about I don't tell your mother about this and get you that new bike you wanted?"
"I'd give it a few weeks for the bike Dad," Johnny says "My ass is killing me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9xe5/johnny_comes_home_from_school/
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Everyday at 2pm most workers at a factory stopped working and went drinking at a bar.

Finally Billy asked what's going on? They told him everyday at 1:45 the boss leaves and comes back at 4:45, so the workers take advantage and have some fun at the bar, they comeback before the boss does, he never finds out about it. The next day like clockwork 1:45 the boss leaves and 2pm the workers go to the bar except for Billy. When asked where he is going he replies, my wife is super hot, I'm going home to get laid. When Billy arrives home,before entering, hears his wife moaning. While paying attention he also hears his bosses voice moaning. With a surprised look on his face quickly returns to the factory.  The next day, again at 2pm everyone leaves except Billy who continues working. When asked why he doesn't stop working, he replies, not me man, I almost got caught yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9wuw/everyday_at_2pm_most_workers_at_a_factory_stopped/
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A farmer had a constipated cow... NSFW

Fearing for the cow's health, the farmer enlisted the help of his friend.  His friend said, "we just need to put a hose up the cow's butt and blow into it."
So they shove the hose into place and the friend blows and blows until his mouth is too tired. Finally he tells the farmer, "I'm too tired, it's your turn."
So the farmer pulls the hose out of the cow's butt. When the friend asks, "why did you do that?" The farmer responds, "well I'm not gonna put my mouth on the same side as you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9v5v/a_farmer_had_a_constipated_cow_nsfw/
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A Jewish kid asks his dad for $50

His dad narrows his eyes and says "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9sm0/a_jewish_kid_asks_his_dad_for_50/
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Sex at 98

Upon hearing that her 98 years old grandfather had just passed away, Rubia went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother to comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Rubia told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble!
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced ages, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.. It was just the right rhythm..... Nice, and slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued with some anger, "He'd still be alive if the damn fire engine had not passed by".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9o3t/sex_at_98/
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I watched a really weird porno the other day.

It was just a fat white man sitting in a darkened room, crying and wanking at the same time for an hour. Then I realised the TV wasn't switched on yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9nec/i_watched_a_really_weird_porno_the_other_day/
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I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that read "HEAVEN"...

...So I ran him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9ncm/i_saw_a_hitchhiker_holding_a_sign_that_read_heaven/
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A old man meets an old woman in a care home...

They get off to a good start and they started to talk he learned she was called Maria and they talked about their past and their experiences and eventually they get to the subject of Sex. The old man says "I can't get an erection anymore, I need a woman to help me do it" Maria volunteered to help him.
So they met every night and Maria would hold the mans penis until he got an erection. They liked it and the man enjoyed it greatly for obvious reasons.
But one night the man did not come to their meeting spot. Maria got very worried and started to look for the man. She looked everywhere and eventually found the man behind a tree with another Woman who was holding the mans Penis - Like they usually would.
Maria was furious! She was very angry and shouted at the man "You betrayed me! Why would you do this to me! Why? What does she have that I don't have!"
The man replied "Parkinsons"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9n1k/a_old_man_meets_an_old_woman_in_a_care_home/
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Simple economics

A man travelled to the USA in hopes of bettering his life for him and his family. When he arrived he opened up a furniture shop and a lingere shop.
After 6 months he was doing very well and wrote to his wife:
Dear wife,
Please pack up and come to me in the USA. I have sold 100 matresses and 5000 panties and have made $100,000
Love your husband
Upon receiving the letter his wife writes back:
Dear husband,
Maybe it is better that you come back home. I have made $3,000,000 with 1 mattress and no panties.
Love your wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9fm8/simple_economics/
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How does NASA organise a party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9eml/how_does_nasa_organise_a_party/
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A son asks his dad what is the difference between practical and theoretical

The tells the son to bring his sister. He then tells her: 'For $1000, would you sleep with your brother?' 'For a thousand, yes!' She answers. The dad then tells the sob to bring his mother. He tells her: 'For $1000, would you sleep with your son?' 'Foe a thousand, yes!' She replies. The dad then tells his son: 'You see, theoretically, we have $2000, practically, we have two whores!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9eex/a_son_asks_his_dad_what_is_the_difference_between/
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What do you call a stampeding herd of Llama?

THE ALPACALYPSE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9ebz/what_do_you_call_a_stampeding_herd_of_llama/
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Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9dml/gunpowder_therapy/
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My friend is afraid of heights...

I'm more afraid of snakes, but my fear of heights is definitely up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9boe/my_friend_is_afraid_of_heights/
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Little Johnny is walking through a park...

When a man in a van pulls up to him and says "Hey kid, I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van"
Little Johnny looks at him and says "Shit man, give me the whole bag of candy, and I'll come in your mouth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9ahj/little_johnny_is_walking_through_a_park/
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What is big green and fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n99nt/what_is_big_green_and_fuzzy_and_kills_you_when_it/
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Why are pirates such good singers?

Because they hit the high C's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n99aa/why_are_pirates_such_good_singers/
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It's the FIFA world cup finals

, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over to his neighbour and asks him if someone will be sitting there.
'No', says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.'
'This is incredible!', said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?'
The neighbour says, 'well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first world cup final we haven't been to together since we got married.'
'Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible...but couldn't you find someone else, a friend, relative, even a neighbour to take her seat?'
The man shakes his head. 'No' he says, 'they're all at the funeral.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n98j5/its_the_fifa_world_cup_finals/
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Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher

indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, "Now take off my skirt." He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n97xd/little_johnny_came_home_from_school_with_a_note/
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Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n96xc/dad_there_is_something_my_boyfriend_told_me_that/
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Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...

He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"
She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."
Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n96ql/little_johnny_walks_into_the_bathroom_and_sees/
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Class we're going to use the word definitely

A teacher is teaching her class about the word definitely and asks if anyone can use definitely in a sentence. Mary, let's hear a sentence. "Grass is definitely green." Well, Mary, sometimes the grass is dead and it is brown. So, grass is not definitely green. Billy, how about you? "The sky is definitely blue." Well, Billy, what about night time when the sky is black or when it is cloudy and the sky is gray. So, no the sky is not definitely blue. Johnny, can you use it in a sentence? "Miss, when you fart is anything solid supposed to come out?'" No, Johnny, why? "Well then, I *definitely* shit my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n9256/class_were_going_to_use_the_word_definitely/
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What do a battery and an asshole have in common?

No matter how much we tell ourselves we won't, we end up licking them anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n8xfr/what_do_a_battery_and_an_asshole_have_in_common/
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Everytime I leave the house...

I keep getting followed by this really tall bird, I think I'm being storked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n8v0o/everytime_i_leave_the_house/
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A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange

noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate.
As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?”
“It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his
father.
“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?”
“Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied.
“Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n8uli/a_small_boy_was_awoken_in_the_middle_of_the_night/
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How do you blind Adolf Hitler?

You poke him in the eyes until he can nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n8twr/how_do_you_blind_adolf_hitler/
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Did you hear about the New York woman on the J train who woke up to find a bum urinating on her today?

Although upset, she was glad she didn't take the #2 train

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n8tlw/did_you_hear_about_the_new_york_woman_on_the_j/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korea's long range missiles can't reach that far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n8sgm/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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When life gives you melons

You play with them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n8mq6/when_life_gives_you_melons/
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I agree that there should be different NSFW tags for violent and sexual content

Nothing changes my mood more than seeing naked people while I'm trying to enjoy horrible gore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n8ler/i_agree_that_there_should_be_different_nsfw_tags/
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"Excuse me lady but how long has your father been in jail?" NSFW

"He's not in jail. What are you talking about?"
"I'm not sure how he has resisted but if I were your father I would be in jail."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n8ipr/excuse_me_lady_but_how_long_has_your_father_been/
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"You're terrible in bed" my Doctor girlfriend said to me the other day.

I was depressed.
Today she caught me cheating on her. She was pissed.
"What the hell's going on?" she asked.
"Getting a second opinion." I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n8gpj/youre_terrible_in_bed_my_doctor_girlfriend_said/
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How did Quasimodo know where to find Esmerelda?

He had a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n8f13/how_did_quasimodo_know_where_to_find_esmerelda/
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What do you call two skeletons watching each other's back?

verteBros

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n8bqo/what_do_you_call_two_skeletons_watching_each/
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Why are teenage girls so odd?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n88qg/why_are_teenage_girls_so_odd/
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When the Daddy Car asked the baby car

When the Daddy car asked the baby car what he wanted to be when he grew up, the baby answered. "I wanna fit lots of people inside me and have parties where they can drink and have fun."
The daddy car replied "oh that's a stretch."
Original. Maybe bad. But original.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n878q/when_the_daddy_car_asked_the_baby_car/
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When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa

and not like the screaming, horrified people in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n8731/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_peacefully_in_my_sleep/
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Wrestling is stupid

Men without pants fighting over a belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n872m/wrestling_is_stupid/
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Success is like pregnancy...

Everyone congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n86al/success_is_like_pregnancy/
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I went to the library and asked if they had any books on shelves...

The librarian replied, "Yes, all of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n81f4/i_went_to_the_library_and_asked_if_they_had_any/
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Sad Rabbit walks through forest.

Bear meets him halfway and asking: - Why you are so sad?
Rabbit replies:  - Wolf constantly bullies and mugs me.
Bear:  -Hm, next time he will be picking on you, just ask him: "Where is you boonie hat?"
Rabbit: - OK!
One day Wolf meets Rabbit and starting bullying him.
Rabbit asks: -Wolf, where is your boonie hat?
Wolf: -I don't have boonie hat.
Then suddenly Bear appears from behind and furiously lands metal manhole cover on his head saying: "Here is your boonie hat."
Wolf gets to a hospital, rabbit is happy. Time passes, wolf checks out from the hospital and starts bullying rabbit again.
Rabbit again goes to the Bear and asks: - "What should i do?"
Bear:  -When you meet Wolf again, ask him "where is your watch?"
Eventually Wolf find Rabbit and starts bullying again.
Rabbit asks: - Wolf, where is your watch?
Wolf is now prepared and replies pointing to his arm: -Here is my watch!
Suddenly Bear appears from an ambush and yelling: -And here is you boonie hat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7yb8/sad_rabbit_walks_through_forest/
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Einstein masturbates

A stroke of genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7xeg/einstein_masturbates/
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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom...

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7sio/little_johnny_wakes_up_one_night_hearing_noises/
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Mr Bean and Einstein in a flight together.

Einstein: Hey Mr Bean, let's play a game. I would ask you a question. If you can't answer it, you will have to give me ten dollars. You ask me a question and if I can't answer it I would give you a thousand dollars.
Bean: Okay, we can play that.
Einstein: What's the percentage of Nitrogen in earth's atmosphere ?
(Mr Bean takes a 10 $ note and places it in Einstein's hand.)
Einstein:  It's 79%
Bean: It's my turn. What is the animal that has 4 legs, when it crosses the street it has 2 legs, but when it goes back it has 5 legs ?
Einstein tries to think for few minutes, frustrated he gives bean a 1000 dollars.
Mr Bean happily bags in his booty.
Einstein: Hey you didn't tell me the name of that animal. What is it ?
Mr Bean gives him a 10 dollar note.
Ps- I know Sir Rowan Atkinson has a master's degree in Electrical engineering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7rec/mr_bean_and_einstein_in_a_flight_together/
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If laughter is a drug...

The real coke is in the comments!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7phb/if_laughter_is_a_drug/
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7 Great Wonders of Communism:

1. Universal employment.
2. Despite universal employment, no one works at all.
3. Despite no one working, all economic plans were fulfilled to 100% minimum.
4. Despite plans being fulfilled above the 100% requisite, shops remained empty.
5. Despite shops being empty, everyone had everything.
6. Despite everyone having everything, everyone remained a thief.
7. Despite the universal theft, no one was ever missing anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7ou3/7_great_wonders_of_communism/
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My mom always told me I was strong, and a survivor

...of an abortion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7neb/my_mom_always_told_me_i_was_strong_and_a_survivor/
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What did the little candle say to the big candle

I'm going out tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7nb7/what_did_the_little_candle_say_to_the_big_candle/
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Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7mqs/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
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A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic.

Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7lhd/a_saudi_woman_in_a_doctors_clinic/
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Did you see the winner of the Ms Saudi Arabia beauty contest?

Neither did I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7l5t/did_you_see_the_winner_of_the_ms_saudi_arabia/
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My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors,

and three Captains and two Lieutenants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7keg/my_niece_is_a_sophomore_at_west_point_shes/
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What is positive about beeing blonde?

You are allowed to park your car in the disabled spot
(Dont know if it have been done before, no energy to scroll  through the endless thread)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7ji3/what_is_positive_about_beeing_blonde/
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My girlfriend must've been a chicken farmer in a past life...

She's rather good at raising a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7i56/my_girlfriend_mustve_been_a_chicken_farmer_in_a/
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What do horses eat at a rave?

Oats Oats Oats Oats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7fv1/what_do_horses_eat_at_a_rave/
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Breaking News: Al-Gebra Operative Arrested

A man was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport , New York, as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, the President  said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7fei/breaking_news_algebra_operative_arrested/
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How do you get a one armed stoner out of a tree?

Wave at them..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7d1l/how_do_you_get_a_one_armed_stoner_out_of_a_tree/
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Did you hear about the herd of cows that broke into a marijuana field?

The steaks have never been higher!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7c6d/did_you_hear_about_the_herd_of_cows_that_broke/
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Does beer make you smarter?

I dunno, but it certainly made Bud Wiser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7bjo/does_beer_make_you_smarter/
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Hillary Clinton was visiting a school...

In one class, she asks the students if anyone can give her an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No", Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved....that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not" explains Clinton. "That is what we call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't anyone able to give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says; "If an airplane carrying Hillary and Bill Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous, can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it couldn't be an accident, and certainly would be no great loss!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7ajt/hillary_clinton_was_visiting_a_school/
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n7a58/a_group_of_chess_enthusiasts_checked_into_a_hotel/
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If pro is the opposite of con....

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
Congress.
Joe Swanson - Family Guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n78up/if_pro_is_the_opposite_of_con/
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Blind guy walks into a Walmart.

A blind guy walks into Wal-Mart with his seeing eye dog. He gets to the middle of the store, proceeds to  grab the dog by the tail and starts swinging it around in circles. The dog yelping all the while with people staring in astonishment. The manager goes running over screaming "what the fuck are you doing buddy!??" Blind guy says to him "just having a look around"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n78sd/blind_guy_walks_into_a_walmart/
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Steve Irwin died the way he lived.

With animals in his heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n77ip/steve_irwin_died_the_way_he_lived/
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Most people have 32 teeth, some only have 5...

It's simple Meth really!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n77c3/most_people_have_32_teeth_some_only_have_5/
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A man calls his local liquor store

"When dO yoU open" the man asks in a drunken voice.
"We don't open until 9AM" the liquor store manager replies
A couple of hours later, the man calls the liquor store again.
"WhEn do YoU opEn?" he asks, now even more drunk, and almost shouting.
"As I told you earlier, we do not open until 9AM" the manager replies, annoyed"
A few hours later, the man calls the liquor store once again
"WHeebn DO yOUu OpEN?" the man is now almost entirely incomprehensible.
"We don't open until 9AM, and besides, in your current state, you wouldn't even be let into the store!" the manager shouts
"I'M nOt goIng INn you IdiOT, i'm goiNgg ouT!" the man replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n6w9a/a_man_calls_his_local_liquor_store/
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Daughter: Mom, is it true that the baby comes out of the same hole that the penis goes in?

Mom: Yes, that's true.
Daughter: So will my teeth break?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n6vj5/daughter_mom_is_it_true_that_the_baby_comes_out/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n6vb6/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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A bartender is cleaning some glasses when a pair of blondes walk in...

...and he watches as they sit down at a table together.
He gets their orders but as he walks away he hears them chant, "Fifty-one...fifty-one...fifty-one..."
A few minutes later, a couple of more blondes join them at the table. Getting a bit rowdier with more drinks, they begin to chant louder, "Fifty-one...fifty-one...fifty-one!"
Finally, a lone blonde walks in with a rolled up mat under her arm. They all go silent. She unfurls the mat on the top of the table, and the whole crowd of blondes goes wild! "FIFTY-ONE! FIFTY-ONE!"
At this point, the bartender is dying of curiosity so he goes over the table and sees a puzzle of The Cookie Monster.
"What's going on?"
"Well," says one of the women, "we were so tired of the stereotype that blondes are dumb, so we got this puzzle. The box says 2-4 years, but it only took us 51 days to finish it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n6v1k/a_bartender_is_cleaning_some_glasses_when_a_pair/
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If Powerade makes you more powerful and Staminade gives you more stamina, what does Gatorade give you?

What the fuck is Staminade?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n6t4y/if_powerade_makes_you_more_powerful_and_staminade/
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Hey, is that a keg in your pants?

because my alcoholism is tearing me apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n6r7v/hey_is_that_a_keg_in_your_pants/
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I got super excited when I thought my wife said "butt sex"

Turns out she said she would rather do anything but sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n6p9y/i_got_super_excited_when_i_thought_my_wife_said/
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A man walks into a bar with a small head.

And the bartender says "I gotta ask, how did your head become so small? "
And the man says "Well i was walking on the beach yesterday and i came across a lamp. I rubbed it and this smoking hot genie came pouring out and said "I will grant you any wish you want, but you cant wish to have sex with me" So i said "how about a little head?""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n6om9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_small_head/
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9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n6njg/9_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_out_on/
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If I had a dollar for every mugging in S Chicago...

I'd still have nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n6muq/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_mugging_in_s_chicago/
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Why are most prime numbers such divas?

Because they literally. Can't. Even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n6iu2/why_are_most_prime_numbers_such_divas/
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The past, present, and future walk into a bar...

Man, it was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n6gak/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
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A man and wife in a garden

The man is staring at his wives ass and his wife catches him
Her: what are you looking at?
Man: nothing I was just thinking
Her: we have been married for ten years, you can tell me anything
Man: well I was thinking your ass got a lot bigger over the years and I thought it might be as big as our grill over there
Her: HOW DARE YOU!
Well sure enough the man measured and in fact the  ass was bigger
Later that night in bed the man starts to tickle his wife
Her: what are you doing?
Man: oh I don't know I thought maybe we could ya know, mess around
Her: oh you gotta be kidding, why would I start up my big ass grill for one little weenie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n6e87/a_man_and_wife_in_a_garden/
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A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.
"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n68n6/a_penguin_falls_asleep_on_an_iceberg/
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what do you call a rich Chinese man?

Cha Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n68lx/what_do_you_call_a_rich_chinese_man/
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I was in in the public restroom

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n66nj/i_was_in_in_the_public_restroom/
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A child prodigy

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in 3rd grade. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in 4th grade. I am smarter than my sister and she's in grade 4".
The teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal's office. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from grade 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right.
The principal told the teacher to send the boy to the 4th grade immediately. The teacher decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Teacher: What is in your trousers that I don't have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher: What goes in hard and then comes out soft and sticky?
*The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge*
Boy: Bubble gum.
Teacher: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
*The principal was looking restless*
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: O MY GOD.
Teacher: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: oh no!!
Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Uhhhhhhh.. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this boy to the university...Even I got all the answers wrong!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n66k3/a_child_prodigy/
%
What's a pirate's favorite letter?

You think it's "R"
but no, the C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n65ve/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
"I have some bad news for you", Doctor says to the patient

Doctor: "Unfortunately, you don't have much time left."
Patient: "Oh, no... how long am I going to live!?"
Doctor: "10..."
Patient: "10 what?! Years? Months? Weeks? ...Days?!"
Doctor: "...9..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n64l5/i_have_some_bad_news_for_you_doctor_says_to_the/
%
If we talked about cooking the way we do about sex.

"I have never cooked for anyone before. I'm waiting until marriage, or someone I love."
"Why? I practice cooking all the time. I look at videos. I'm so good at cooking. I know how to satisfy myself."
"Gross!"
"What's the harm? I have a girlfriend who's a professional chef. She gets paid to cook for other people. What if you're terrible the first time you try to cook? Especially if you're trying to cook for someone else?."
"It will be ok. Relationships are more than just food."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n63zw/if_we_talked_about_cooking_the_way_we_do_about_sex/
%
Why couldn't the priest make it to the party?

He had friar commitments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n622f/why_couldnt_the_priest_make_it_to_the_party/
%
Dad: Say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*tch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n620y/dad_say_daddy/
%
What do you call a cardigan you can wear every day of the week?

A cardiganandagainandagain^andagain^andagain^andagain^andagain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n60xn/what_do_you_call_a_cardigan_you_can_wear_every/
%
Why do they call it PMS?

Because the name "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
My buddy told me this back in 2002 and I've never forgotten this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n60ea/why_do_they_call_it_pms/
%
A Jewish guy, a catholic guy, and an all believer are all sitting at a bar

So on they talk until the Jewish guys starts talking about his sons and he says "well I got four sons and if I had one more I'd have a basketball team"
So on the catholic goes and says "that's nice but I have ten sons, one more and I'd have a baseball team"
So now they both look at this last guy who's just clapping and begins to talk "pretty good but I got 17 wives and one more and I would have a golf course"
(Don't know if this has been posted before)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5xrc/a_jewish_guy_a_catholic_guy_and_an_all_believer/
%
I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.
Next minute, Nokia.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5vkv/i_drove_my_car_into_a_river_and_watched_it_turn/
%
My trigonometry teacher and I got into a fight because she thinks triangles are the simplest polygon.

However, I think we can let digons be digons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5uwv/my_trigonometry_teacher_and_i_got_into_a_fight/
%
What do you call a black wizard?

A negromancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5uic/what_do_you_call_a_black_wizard/
%
A gambler gets audited by the IRS

The man walks in to see the auditor with his lawyer and sits down. The auditor says "you claim to have made around $10 million last year through gambling and frankly, we don't believe you"
The man says "I'm a great gambler and I can prove it!"
The auditor replies "go ahead" so the man says "I bet you $2,000 that I can lick my eyeball"
The auditor decides that there's no way this man's tongue is that long and agrees to the wager. The man proceeds to pop out a glass eye, lick it, and pop it back in his socket.
Before the auditor can respond the man says, "double or nothing. I bet you that I can bite my other eye." The auditor sees that this man is clearly not blind, there's no way this man has 2 glass eyes so again, he agrees to the wager.
The man puts his hand to his mouth and pops out his dentures. The then proceeds to bite his good eye with his dentures before popping them back in.
Before the auditor can respond the man exclaims "Triple or nothing! I bet I can stand on your desk, and piss in the waste basket across the room without spilling a drop in between"
The auditor is suspicious as he has now been burned twice in front of this man's lawyer. The judged the wastebasket to be probably 10 feet away from his desk and determined that it would be an impossible feet for any man. Reluctantly, he accepts the wager.
The man hops up on the desk, pulls down his pants, and proceeds to piss all over the desk. First he went for the keyboard, then the calendar, then the picture of the auditors wife. The auditor had already begun celebrating before the man pulled up his pants while the man's lawyer bellows "noooo what the hell!" And buries his head in his hands.
The auditor notices the lawyer and stops celebrating to ask him why he was so pissed off all of a sudden.
The lawyer looks at the auditor with dread in his eyes and replies, "as we were in your reception area waiting for this meeting, my client bet me $50,000 that he could piss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it"
Sorry about formatting. On mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5uc8/a_gambler_gets_audited_by_the_irs/
%
Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts?

Yes? That's the spirit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5r0z/do_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_ghosts/
%
I am hosting a charity livestream to raise awareness for those struggling to reach an orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5qvx/i_am_hosting_a_charity_livestream_to_raise/
%
If you're ever cold in your house, just sit in the corner

It's always about 90 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5qbg/if_youre_ever_cold_in_your_house_just_sit_in_the/
%
What do Muppet's do after being fired over the phone?

Kermit suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5pdo/what_do_muppets_do_after_being_fired_over_the/
%
I'm opening a new gay club called "Garage Sale"

Because one mans junk is another mans treasure!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5kjj/im_opening_a_new_gay_club_called_garage_sale/
%
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest  to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5imz/a_woman_takes_a_lover_home_during_the_day_while/
%
What do you call a lazy wasp?

A Wannabee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5ilz/what_do_you_call_a_lazy_wasp/
%
Two blondes were in a car heading to Disneyland

They saw an intersection
It said:
Disneyland left ⬅️
So they started crying and went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5h84/two_blondes_were_in_a_car_heading_to_disneyland/
%
What's the difference between a joke and a dad joke ?

The joke doesn't go missing.
^^not ^^sure ^^if ^^already ^^posted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5h33/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_a_dad_joke/
%
I used to be addicted to soap..

Luckily I'm all clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5gef/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
A young woman gets on a bus and notices that all of the seats have been taken.

So she asks the closest gentleman “Could I have your seat? I’m pregnant.” The man was taken aback and immediately says “Of course. I didn’t even notice. Please take it, it’s no problem.” He gets up, and relinquishes the seat over to the woman. He leans on the post opposite her and takes a closer look at the woman. He sees her stomach is flat, and curiously asks “Excuse me Miss, but how far along are you?” The woman responds “It’s been 30 minutes now, but I’m already so tired. Thanks for the seat, it was hard work.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5fu1/a_young_woman_gets_on_a_bus_and_notices_that_all/
%
A man walks into a french restseraunt during WW2

A man walks into a french resteraunt during world war 2
Man: Could i have a pizza
French Waiter: sorry thats italian food
Man: Paella?
French Waiter: Sorry thats spanish food
Man: for gods sake, Brotwurst?
French Waiter: Sorry thats german
Man: God damn it i give up
French Waiter: Now your speaking my language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5e3d/a_man_walks_into_a_french_restseraunt_during_ww2/
%
Vince McMahon opened a fitness center in the memory of Randy Savage.

The Slim Gym

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5dkh/vince_mcmahon_opened_a_fitness_center_in_the/
%
How do you tell if someone is vegan?

They tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n5b9z/how_do_you_tell_if_someone_is_vegan/
%
My lover always dresses as a panda when we are in bed

Unfortunately, I don't think we'll last; he just eats shoots and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n59gm/my_lover_always_dresses_as_a_panda_when_we_are_in/
%
I told my father in law we have something in common.

"What's that?"
"Your daughter calls me Daddy too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n56f4/i_told_my_father_in_law_we_have_something_in/
%
Three men are trapped on an island inhabited by cannibals.

Soon enough they get caught. the leader tells them to go out into the woods and pick ten of any fruit they find then come back. The first man comes back with ten apples. The leader says to him "If you can stick all ten apples up your ass without making and sound or facial expression then you will be set free. If you fail we will eat you." He only manages to get two in before cringing in pain, and thus he is eaten and sent to heaven. The second man comes back with ten blueberries and the leader gives him the same task as he gave the first man. He gets nine blueberries in when all of a sudden he burst out laughing, and so he is eaten and sent to heaven, where he meets the first man again. The first man is extremely confused and asks his friend, "What happened! you had the easiest fruit, why the hell did you start laughing!" To which the second man replies, "I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n4yjt/three_men_are_trapped_on_an_island_inhabited_by/
%
If Fred Durst opened a BBQ restaurant, he'd probably call it...

LIMP BRISKET

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n4xpu/if_fred_durst_opened_a_bbq_restaurant_hed/
%
A toilet was stolen from the police station

The police have nothing to go on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n4vmt/a_toilet_was_stolen_from_the_police_station/
%
A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder

. He argued that there was no way he could have done it, as he was in vacation in Prague for the week of the killing. The FBI took note of his travel records and let him go; his alibi czeched out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n4ulf/a_man_was_brought_to_the_fbi_on_suspicion_of/
%
*GRANDMA IN COURT..* Brilliantly Hilarious:

Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer!
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; _"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"_
She responded, _"Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams._ _I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a  big disappointment to me.._
_You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate  people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a  big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will  amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know  you.."_
The lawyer was stunned!  Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,  _"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"_
She again replied, _"Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone  and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to  mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of  them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."_
The defense attorney almost *died*.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet  voice said:
_*"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me,  I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !*😜

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n4r8c/grandma_in_court_brilliantly_hilarious/
%
I don't get why record stores fail.

They have record sales every year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n4n8q/i_dont_get_why_record_stores_fail/
%
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

One has hope in her soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n4lo2/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_in_church/
%
My 93-year-old grandma has rheumatoid arthritis and is slow at crosswalks. Yesterday, she got hit by a car.

She's perfectly fine -- she has an auto-immune disease!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n4hz8/my_93yearold_grandma_has_rheumatoid_arthritis_and/
%
How to always stay positive in life:

| life |

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n4hc6/how_to_always_stay_positive_in_life/
%
What's the biggest joke on Reddit?

Haven't seen this one here, so if it's been posted before, I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n4exk/whats_the_biggest_joke_on_reddit/
%
I'm always frank with my sexual partners.

I wouldn't want them to know my real name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n4ew7/im_always_frank_with_my_sexual_partners/
%
What do you call a website without net neutrality?

<Please upgrade to Reddit Gold Package™ to read this post>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n4cpu/what_do_you_call_a_website_without_net_neutrality/
%
[Offensive] Whenever I think about Will Smiths son...

I wonder if black kids really are worse off without fathers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n4898/offensive_whenever_i_think_about_will_smiths_son/
%
So today I gave my watch, my phone and $500 to a homeless guy

I was so happy when he put his knife back into his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n47ch/so_today_i_gave_my_watch_my_phone_and_500_to_a/
%
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

"Not sure I can get hard..just got laid 10 minutes ago"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n46l4/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
%
An ancient Greek goes up to a tailor...

The tailor asks the Greek: "Euripides?"
The Greek replies "Eumenides?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n3y3g/an_ancient_greek_goes_up_to_a_tailor/
%
Caravaggio was so unappreciated in his time, he never sold a single painting.

He was baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n3xu2/caravaggio_was_so_unappreciated_in_his_time_he/
%
If an athlete can get athlete's foot, what can an astronaut get?

I have no idea.. my 6th grade teacher asked us this and never told us the answer and it's been haunting me for 30 years. Any guesses?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n3ua6/if_an_athlete_can_get_athletes_foot_what_can_an/
%
Sports

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”
Patient: “Does sex count?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n3thv/sports/
%
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer

stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
“Fred,” the man replies.
“Fred what?” the officer asks.
“Just Fred,” the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket, but he still presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”
The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me.
I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”
The officer walked away in tears, laughing. Fred did not get a ticket or a warning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n3rd2/an_arizona_highway_patrol_officer/
%
Was playing with a new animation software but forgot to add any dialogue.

It rendered me speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n3r6o/was_playing_with_a_new_animation_software_but/
%
My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n3pvn/my_tongue_slipped_when_i_was_asking_my_wife_to/
%
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini.

The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n3n4f/a_german_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_martini/
%
What's the different between a rusty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station, and the others a Busty Crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n3ke6/whats_the_different_between_a_rusty_bus_stop_and/
%
Yesterday I held a seminar about holding back orgasms.

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n3irj/yesterday_i_held_a_seminar_about_holding_back/
%
I had a bust made in my likeness. Well, it's GOING to be made.

Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n3h5u/i_had_a_bust_made_in_my_likeness_well_its_going/
%
A pregnant prostitute is visiting her Dr.

When he asks her if she knows who the father is.
She answers, "oh for goodness sakes! If you eat a can of beans do you know which one makes you fart!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n3g7k/a_pregnant_prostitute_is_visiting_her_dr/
%
Do you know what's the difference between your wife and your job?

Your job sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n3bgr/do_you_know_whats_the_difference_between_your/
%
And the award for best neckwear goes to...

huh, well would you look at that, it was a tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n3a6j/and_the_award_for_best_neckwear_goes_to/
%
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n38yk/i_tried_to_explain_to_my_4_year_old_son_that_its/
%
Ned Stark says - Winter is here...

It was autumn, and the Starks asked their Chief Ned Stark if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He sent a Raven to the National Weather Service Warg and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he sent a raven to the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the warg at National Weather Service again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he sent a raven to the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' The warg replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Starks are collecting wood like crazy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n31o8/ned_stark_says_winter_is_here/
%
My school did a performance called League of Legends.

It was a play on wards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n2xaf/my_school_did_a_performance_called_league_of/
%
I had surgery to become a 50p coin.

My father always said 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n2tvi/i_had_surgery_to_become_a_50p_coin/
%
My friend said that abortion should be illegal.

I said, "You haven't met my son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n2tcj/my_friend_said_that_abortion_should_be_illegal/
%
Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"
But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n2q68/society_is_full_of_double_standards/
%
Patient: "Doctor, am I going to die?"

Doctor: "That's the last thing you're going to do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n2pts/patient_doctor_am_i_going_to_die/
%
Girls are like condoms

They're either on your dick or in your wallet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n2nhn/girls_are_like_condoms/
%
I once had a dream that I was ugly and had no chance of getting a girlfriend,

I still haven't woken up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n2gkg/i_once_had_a_dream_that_i_was_ugly_and_had_no/
%
First time buying condoms

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n2c3r/first_time_buying_condoms/
%
Dr. Seth had sex with one of his patients...

He felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Seth, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Seth."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"Seth.....
Seth.....
Seth, You're a fucking vet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n296s/dr_seth_had_sex_with_one_of_his_patients/
%
A Horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey!" The horse replies, "You read my mind!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n24vh/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I said to the Gym instructor

"Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?''
I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'',

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n22yh/i_said_to_the_gym_instructor/
%
People need to stop putting flyers on my car.

I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n22is/people_need_to_stop_putting_flyers_on_my_car/
%
What kind of STD can you get from watching Porn?

Visual AIDS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n21bp/what_kind_of_std_can_you_get_from_watching_porn/
%
I was an hour late for work

I told them that Russia hacked my alarm clock and now I still have a job for the next two years while my boss
appoints a special investigation to look into it :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n1zyd/i_was_an_hour_late_for_work/
%
Joke my 8 year old made up: " How do you make two C's out of one C?"

You have to use a C-Saw!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n1xgg/joke_my_8_year_old_made_up_how_do_you_make_two_cs/
%
What do you call emos that live in the Bahamas?

Tropical depressions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n1vf5/what_do_you_call_emos_that_live_in_the_bahamas/
%
Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:
1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /
The teacher asked what's '/' ?
Student replied it's a stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n1u3g/kids_in_class_were_asked_to_write_3_diseases/
%
I hate it when my neighbor mows the lawn at 7 in the morning

This one Saturday morning I get woken up by my neighbor's mower going at 7 in the morning. I have quite a bad hangover and I just decide screw him he can cut around me. .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n1l74/i_hate_it_when_my_neighbor_mows_the_lawn_at_7_in/
%
Passionate Sex at 95

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Rubia went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.
Horrified, Rubia told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny.! 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.. It was just the right rhythm.. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong. 'She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued........ 'He'd still be alive if the damn fire engine had not passed by'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n1cfl/passionate_sex_at_95/
%
How can you tell if an astronaut is gay?

You can't. There's no orientation in space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n194c/how_can_you_tell_if_an_astronaut_is_gay/
%
What do sex and pizza have in common?

When it's nice, it's really nice
But when it's bad, it's still pretty nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n176n/what_do_sex_and_pizza_have_in_common/
%
English navy ship is sinking...

They are sending message on the radio: "MAY DAY, MAY DAY!! WE ARE SINKING!"
A German ship hears their message and responds: " Zis is German Navy Ship. What are you sinking about?"
Were those peace times or war times, I cannot tell... either way it's funny :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n16zc/english_navy_ship_is_sinking/
%
Today I celebrated my 62nd birthday.

It was only a minute long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n154o/today_i_celebrated_my_62nd_birthday/
%
Do you know what it means to come home late and being embraced, kissed and loved?

It means you're in the wrong apartment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n1321/do_you_know_what_it_means_to_come_home_late_and/
%
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n12oi/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
Life is like a soup

, you only get blown if you're hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n111c/life_is_like_a_soup/
%
I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."

I continued, "Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n10fm/i_said_to_my_wife_they_say_that_childbirth_is_the/
%
My school did a performance last year called "The Dictionary"

Turns out it was just a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0zl2/my_school_did_a_performance_last_year_called_the/
%
Three cats are crossing a river.

One of them is called "One Two Three"
The second is called " Un deux trois"
The third is called "Ein zwei"
What is the order of them crossing?
So One Two Three gets to the other side first because the Un Deux Trois cat sank.
But the Ein Zwei cat is still drei because it has a vier of the water.
Not my own joke, just added the extra cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0y77/three_cats_are_crossing_a_river/
%
I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"
Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0xfp/i_asked_my_boss_whats_the_difference_between_your/
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If a white lie is a harmless lie that doesn't really matter

Then does that mean that black lies matter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0xck/if_a_white_lie_is_a_harmless_lie_that_doesnt/
%
By far the scariest moment of my entire life is when I accidentially swallowed some Lego.

I was shitting bricks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0x9u/by_far_the_scariest_moment_of_my_entire_life_is/
%
My friend studies history in college

I told him there's no future in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0sfp/my_friend_studies_history_in_college/
%
Little johnny was asking his dad

J: Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential
D: Well, it's difficult to explain, so let me give you an example. You are my son - I'm confident about that.
J: How about confidential?
D: You see our neighbour little Timmy over there? He's my son - that's confidential

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0qdz/little_johnny_was_asking_his_dad/
%
Trouble of Child's name.

Question: Why do parents give children a middle name?
Answer: So the child knows when it is in seriously in trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0p0r/trouble_of_childs_name/
%
I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden…

And I'm thinking, "Who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0opn/ive_just_been_reading_that_by_law_you_have_to/
%
I had vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant...

But apparently all it does is change the color of your baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0oaa/i_had_vasectomy_so_my_wife_wouldnt_get_pregnant/
%
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain

but it hurt like hail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0nhs/i_dont_know_if_i_just_got_hit_by_freezing_rain/
%
A 60-year-old man goes to a nudist colony for a month. [NSFW]

He walks in and goes to the reception, hands in his clothes and the worker shows him his room.
Not long after there is a gorgeous woman at the door, and he immediately gets an erection.
The woman asks "are you calling for me".
The man says "no, no of course not".
The woman says "you must be new here, over here if you have an erection it means you are calling for a woman to have sex with you".
They proceed to have incredible hot sticky sex.
Afterwards, the man goes to the shower, he accidentally farts.
A man then asks "are you calling for me".
The old man says "no, no of course not".
The man says "you must be new here, over here if you fart it means you are calling for a man to have sex with you".
The old man after getting fucked goes straight for the reception.
"I want to leave" he cries.
The receptionist asks "What why you still have 29 days here of rest and fun"?
"Listen here young man, at my age I get an erection maybe once a month but I fart 50 times a day and don't even ask me how many times I burp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0myr/a_60yearold_man_goes_to_a_nudist_colony_for_a/
%
I'm not wacist,

I'm just good at telling white from wong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0k5w/im_not_wacist/
%
How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to swig till the room starts to spin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0ijp/how_many_drunks_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n0elg/a_man_called_the_hotel_manager/
%
I met a girl with 12 nipples

Sounds weird, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n09e6/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
%
What's the similarities between princess Diana and Pink Floyd?

Their last big hit was the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n080z/whats_the_similarities_between_princess_diana_and/
%
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.

But people in Abu Dhabi do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n07sd/people_in_dubai_dont_like_the_flintstones/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A perfect ten... but completely imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n059p/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
A man is pulled over at 2am by a state trooper

State trooper: Hey, where you headed at 2 am sir?
Elderly man: I'm just on my way to hear a lecture about the dangers of drinking and staying out late and smoking marijuana with friends who are a bad influence.
State Trooper: Really? Who's giving that kind of lecture at 2 in the morning?
Elderly man: That would be my wife, officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n03q2/a_man_is_pulled_over_at_2am_by_a_state_trooper/
%
I don't trust people with graph paper

They're always plotting something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6n02l4/i_dont_trust_people_with_graph_paper/
%
How many blondes do you need to bake a chocolat cake?

Three. One for the dough and two are peeling the M&Ms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mzz5h/how_many_blondes_do_you_need_to_bake_a_chocolat/
%
History is not made by those who use Incognito mode..

Said by a Firefox user.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mztgw/history_is_not_made_by_those_who_use_incognito/
%
What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Not protecting net neutrality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mzot2/whats_worse_than_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
A plane full of republicans had been captured by al queda

They have posted a video online saying that unless the us government pays them ten million dollars, they will start returning them, one by one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mznsc/a_plane_full_of_republicans_had_been_captured_by/
%
Jokes about communism are not funny

...unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mzk3p/jokes_about_communism_are_not_funny/
%
Car Crash

I crashed my car between two houses today. Mr and Mrs Ball live in the left house and Mr and Mrs Smith live in the right house....
Thank God I was dragged out by the Smiths!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mzhbd/car_crash/
%
How many bros does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None because it's already lit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mzh1d/how_many_bros_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
How do u make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mzgnp/how_do_u_make_a_tissue_dance/
%
A husband stumbles into his house, drunk as hell...

He barges into his bedroom, clutching a duck under his arm and exclaims "this is the pig I sleep with every night!"
The wife says "that's a duck, dumbass."
The husband replies "Shut up, can't you see I'm having a conversation with my duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mzg06/a_husband_stumbles_into_his_house_drunk_as_hell/
%
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mzfvi/where_do_animals_go_when_their_tails_fall_off/
%
What kind of bagel can fly?

A Plain Bagel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mzcle/what_kind_of_bagel_can_fly/
%
Comcast

supports net neutrality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mzcbd/comcast/
%
My dick is so long it goes from a to z on the keyboard

Wait... Aw fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mz7ky/my_dick_is_so_long_it_goes_from_a_to_z_on_the/
%
How do you talk to a dead Italian?

with a luigi board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mz6cz/how_do_you_talk_to_a_dead_italian/
%
You know what they say about net neutrality...

I don't know. The webpage hasn't loaded for me either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6myx6m/you_know_what_they_say_about_net_neutrality/
%
What's worse than your wife cheating on you with your brother?

Your wife cheating on you with her brother.
Source: am from Alabama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6myvyu/whats_worse_than_your_wife_cheating_on_you_with/
%
Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had a son. Of the three, who's the largest?

The son, 'cause he's a little Bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6myr27/mr_and_mrs_bigger_had_a_son_of_the_three_whos_the/
%
If we could get Red states and Blue states to work together...

We really could Make America Grape Again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mynv9/if_we_could_get_red_states_and_blue_states_to/
%
My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

[to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package]
...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6myjfr/my_very_conservative_coworker_told_me_about_the/
%
A woman walks into a pet store.

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?"
The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things."
The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is:
"Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says
"New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says,
"Hey, Dave!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6myhff/a_woman_walks_into_a_pet_store/
%
Do you work on weekends?

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6myheh/do_you_work_on_weekends/
%
Einstein developed a theory about space

And it was about time too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mygdf/einstein_developed_a_theory_about_space/
%
I know why dad left you!

Little Johnny goes to his mom and asks "how old are you mom?"
His mother says "a lady never reveals her age"
The next day at school, Little Johnny tells his friend Jimmy about this and he says "if you find your mom's drivers license, it will tell you everything about her." When he gets home, he sneaks into his mom's purse and finds her driver's license.
That evening, he goes to his mother and says "mom, I know that you're 33 years old, and that your height is 5'3""
"How do you know?" she replies
"Because I found your driver's license and it has all your information! It also know why dad left you. It's because you got an F in sex"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mydae/i_know_why_dad_left_you/
%
Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world...

But it's up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mya8q/looking_at_my_ceiling_and_ya_know_im_not_saying/
%
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...

It's a miracle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mya50/stephen_hawking_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Dad joke

A dad goes to see his daughter in her room but the door is shut. He opens it, and finds his daughter and some guy he's never met having sex.
The daughter looks up, distraught and embarrassed.
"I.. I can explain! I'm sorry!"
"Hi Sorry, I'm Dad."
He looks at the guy.
"Are you fucking Sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6my8rx/dad_joke/
%
My electricity bill was running suspiciously high

Had the power company send someone over. He found a wire tapped into my house running to a neighbor's. Watt do you know, a Joule thief lives next to my Ohm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6my7u4/my_electricity_bill_was_running_suspiciously_high/
%
How was Bill Clinton able to maintain a steady surplus during his presidency?

He had a great Al Gore rhythm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6my3pv/how_was_bill_clinton_able_to_maintain_a_steady/
%
What do you call a once broken bike that has since been fixed?

Recycled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6my2nr/what_do_you_call_a_once_broken_bike_that_has/
%
I walked into a bookstore and told the clerk...

I walked into a bookstore and I told the clerk, "I'm looking for a book called, 'How to Deal with Rejection without Killing'... Do you have it?? **Do you have it?**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mxxvz/i_walked_into_a_bookstore_and_told_the_clerk/
%
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is how politics works.
[I've removed the other edits because, at +30k points, who cares what haters think?]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mxxlm/i_told_my_son_you_will_marry_the_girl_i_choose/
%
As a German I have to ask, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mxo0r/as_a_german_i_have_to_ask_you_know_what_really/
%
A Scotsman is walking down the street when he spots two guys fighting. Without a second thought, he marches over to them, splits them apart and says...

"Is this a private fight or can anyone join in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mxlif/a_scotsman_is_walking_down_the_street_when_he/
%
I told my wife her she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mxd93/i_told_my_wife_her_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows/
%
Did you hear about Dwayne Johnson and the cinnamon bun?

They say it's rock and roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mxd3r/did_you_hear_about_dwayne_johnson_and_the/
%
You know what they call the Hunger Games in France?

Battle Royale with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mxahd/you_know_what_they_call_the_hunger_games_in_france/
%
Little Johnny And His Train Set

Little Johnny was playing with his train set on the living room floor. "ALL ABOARD Dumbshits!" he shouted. "Get your asses on the train, sit the f*** down, and keep your GD hands to your self you groping perverts!"
"JOHNNY!" exclaimed his mother. "We DO NOT talk like that in the house, or anywhere young man!" "You sit in the chair for 15 minutes to think about your terrible language".
After 15 minutes, Johnny was allowed to return to the playset, where he politely said "Ladies and gentlemen, please board carefully, kindly take your seats, and have a wonderful day!" "Oh, and if any of you wonder why the train has been delayed 15 minutes, see the bitch in the kitchen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mx5rd/little_johnny_and_his_train_set/
%
Worst Injury Imaginable

A South American guy gets into a terrible accident. When he comes to in the hospital, he looks down and sees a bloody rag covering his groin, and notices he can't feel his penis.
A doctor walks into his hospital room and the guy looks at him, and says, through tears "Give it to me straight, Doctor. How much is left?"
"Well," says the Doctor, "if the tattoo you had on there said 'Anna', then you have half. If it was 'Elena', then you have two-fifths."
The man groans and says "Doc. It said 'Made in Argentina'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mx4pl/worst_injury_imaginable/
%
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night,

face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mx0wb/a_vampire_bat_came_flapping_in_from_the_night/
%
An unemployed finds hard getting a suitable job in his stream.

An unemployed graduate was looking for a suitable job in his stream. He attended several exams and many personal interviews, only to be rejected. Being fed up after so many months of his job hunt, he decided to get into any job that will provide him some money for his daily expenses.
Being financially broke, he visited a circus group and asked for a job. But the owner said that there wasn't any job for his education level. Also he said that there is a vacancy to act as a monkey and perform funny actions. He accepted the offer thinking it can at least provide him food daily. So he dressed up as a monkey and entertained the audience.
One day while he was performing the monkey skills, he accidentally fell into the lion's ring.Everyone was shocked as the monkey fell into lion's ring, but were getting entertained at the same time as no one in audience knew that he was a man dressed up as a monkey. The man himself was dreadful and feared for his life.
The lion came closer to him but didn't attack. He was surprised. The lion whispered, "Dude, don't be scared, this is john your senior from grad school "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mx0j7/an_unemployed_finds_hard_getting_a_suitable_job/
%
A doctor working at a mental hospital is roaming the halls late one evening

He enters the room of two patients. Patient #1 is standing at a table, pretending to saw a long plank in half. Patient #2 is hanging by his feet from the ceiling.
"What are you doing?" The doctor asks the 1st patient.
"Sawing this piece of wood of course." The patient replies condescendingly.
The doctor looks at patient #2 hanging from the ceiling. He gestures to him and asks patient #1 what he is doing.
"He's pretending to be a lightbulb." He says without looking.
"Well, don't you think you should tell him to get down before he hurts himself?" The doctor questions disapprovingly.
Patient #1 looks at him quizzically. "What, and then work in the dark?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mx067/a_doctor_working_at_a_mental_hospital_is_roaming/
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Chris Christie asked his staff...

If they thought his image would recover from beach-gate.
They told him "Fat chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mwz11/chris_christie_asked_his_staff/
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A base-12 number system is good in theory

but it dozen stand a chance in practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mww96/a_base12_number_system_is_good_in_theory/
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Why are there so many rivers in France?

Because water takes the path of least resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mwtp1/why_are_there_so_many_rivers_in_france/
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"With my sonic superpowers I shall call myself....

...TINNITUS!"
"Tinnitus?"
"Yeah! Doesn't it have a nice ring to it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mwqz9/with_my_sonic_superpowers_i_shall_call_myself/
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Two exes are texting..

Male Ex: Just ate a fish taco; it reminded me of you.
Female Ex: What a coincidence, because I ordered a pizza and it came in 20 seconds. It reminded me of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mwqwl/two_exes_are_texting/
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Me: The first step to success is denial.

Other person: No it's not.
Me: I'm so proud of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mwoc6/me_the_first_step_to_success_is_denial/
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A man was sitting outside of a restaurant...

After a while, he sees a 18-year old riding a brand new motorcycle pretty fast, shouting "Look at me! Has anyone such a motorcycle? Only I have this great machine.". The young man keeps driving the same route, constantly shouting the same thing again and again.
After one hour, the man in the restaurant felt pretty bugged. The 18-year old was passing by again, shouting:"Who has such a motorcycle?" - to which the man in the restaurant responds with:"Yeah, I have the exact same thing in my garage, so what?" to which the 18-year old replies:"Help me! Tell me how to stop this damn thing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mwnv4/a_man_was_sitting_outside_of_a_restaurant/
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How do you recognize a rich Ethiopian?

He wears a Rolex around his waist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mwhbi/how_do_you_recognize_a_rich_ethiopian/
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Why did the pirate go to the stripclub?

He was looking for booty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mwawf/why_did_the_pirate_go_to_the_stripclub/
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How do you get the Asian out of a China man?

Spin him around until he's disoriented.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mwa6y/how_do_you_get_the_asian_out_of_a_china_man/
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We always called our teacher Turtle

Because he Tortoise (Taught us).
Told by my 7 year old boy, so be gentle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mw65t/we_always_called_our_teacher_turtle/
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So this farmer owns a single female pig. He wants her to have piglets...

...so(w) he asks around the village for any eligible bachelor boars. Turns out there aren't any, but there's this fella at a nearby village who runs a Rent-A-Boar service, charging by the coupling.
The next morning, our farmer gets up early, attaches the trailer to his tractor, gets the pig onboard, and drives to do some matchmaking.
Everything goes fine between the pig and the boar; in fact, it goes stellarly, and both are exhausted after the fact. Our farmer then asks the other farmer:
"How will I know if it worked?"
"See here, keep an eye on her tomorrow morning. At the crack of dawn, if she is still asleep, you bring her again to the boar. But if she is out and about, gathering and piling up the straw in one corner of the sty, then she is expecting."
With that, our farmer pays for the boar services, loads the pig in his trailer, and tractors her away.
The next morning, the farmer wakes up before the dawn and orders his wife to go check on what the pig is doing.
"Wife, go and see what the pig is doing over there."
The wife goes to check, but returns promptly:
"She's not doing anything. She's asleep in the sty like she always is."
The farmer scoffs, puts on his hat and coat, and is off to warm up the tractor once again.
Again at the other farmer's, the pig and the boar are doing their best to make the transaction work. The farmer waits patiently until the end, pays the other guy, loads the pig and is off.
The next morning, the same scene:
"Wife, go and check on the pig. What is she doing?"
"She's just lying there, same as always."
Again to the boar's, again the coupling, again the long trip back.
But the third morning:
"Wife, what is the pig doing?"
"Well, she certainly ain't asleep THIS time!"
"WHAT? Is she piling up straw in the sty?"
"No. She's waiting for you in the trailer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mw2g5/so_this_farmer_owns_a_single_female_pig_he_wants/
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Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the hell out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mw1we/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
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I'll never forget my uncle's last words.

"Quit shaking the ladder you little cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mw1qo/ill_never_forget_my_uncles_last_words/
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Did you hear about the doctor who sent a group of crows to a mental health institution?

He committed a murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mw1hk/did_you_hear_about_the_doctor_who_sent_a_group_of/
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What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?

She sticks it in the microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mw0ei/what_does_a_blonde_do_when_her_computer_freezes/
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I live in a house between a crack den and a brothel.

I guess you could say i'm between a rock and a hard place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mvycg/i_live_in_a_house_between_a_crack_den_and_a/
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Three men walk in to a bar. One of them is wearing a hat

Oops!
Your current data plan doesnt cover this feature. Click here to upgrade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mvx47/three_men_walk_in_to_a_bar_one_of_them_is_wearing/
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What does Bruce Lee order at Burger King?

WHOPP-AHHH!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mvv45/what_does_bruce_lee_order_at_burger_king/
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A Young Fencer Went On A Journey

On this journey he wanted to master the art of fencing, his journey began when he met his first mentor,
Mentor! , he cried, where oh where shall I learn to lunge properly!
Have no fear! Run across every riverside in this town 10 times and you will magically learn to perfectly lunge.
So the young student stays committed and eventually perfects his lunge.
Mentor! , he cried, where oh where shall I learn to parry properly!
Have no fear! Run up and down every mountain in this town 20 times and you will magically learn the art of parrying.
The young student stayed committed and succeed, and there was only 1 more thing left to learn till he would be the best of the best.
Mentor! , he cried, where oh where shall I learn to riposte properly!
Have no fear go to r/Jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mvtp2/a_young_fencer_went_on_a_journey/
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One fine morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog.

Suddenly an indian  man ran out from the bushes in front of him and shot the poor dog three times. The dog died.
The billionaire screamed at the killer,
"why did you do that".
The killer answered,
"your wife gave me $50000 and said
"Go kill that son of a bitch"
The billionaire hugged the killer & with tears in his eyes said...
"I am forever grateful to your English teacher"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mvqgl/one_fine_morning_an_english_billionaire_was/
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A Dickhead Walks into a Bar...

The bartender says, "Why the shlong face?"
Made it myself :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mvoj5/a_dickhead_walks_into_a_bar/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Full of alcohol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mvned/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Why doesn't sherlock holmes ever drink tea made in hospitals?

He really hates more ER tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mvip4/why_doesnt_sherlock_holmes_ever_drink_tea_made_in/
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a Prius?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mvfik/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mvff9/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
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My husband is like the New York subway...

He makes me angry, frustrated, and late for work but I still can't help but ride him every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mvd9m/my_husband_is_like_the_new_york_subway/
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My girlfriend is due to give birth to our son in a few weeks...

But if he's anything like his father, I think he'll be coming early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mvd8g/my_girlfriend_is_due_to_give_birth_to_our_son_in/
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The Blue Light Joke (Long but worth it)

**PART ONE OF THREE**
Once, there was a boy named Johnny who was in the first grade. On the bus to school, one Monday morning, Johnny heard some of the older boys say a word he didn’t know. He was very curious about what it could mean but he was pretty sure it was a bad word so he figured he would ask his friend Bobby about it at recess. Bobby had an older brother and always knew about bad words. Plus, he never told the teacher. At recess, Johnny approached Bobby.
“Hey Bobby, I heard this word on the way to school and I think it’s a bad word. Can you tell me what it means?”
“Sure, Johnny.” replied Bobby.
Johnny then whispered “The word is blue-light.”
All of a sudden Bobby started yelling and screaming for the recess teacher to come help. Johnny was horrorstruck. When the recess teacher arrived, Bobby shouted nonsensically about how Johnny was saying bad words. The recess teacher promised to take care of it and sent Bobby off to play.
“What happened, Johnny? You’ve never been in trouble before.”
Johnny replied tearfully “I heard this word on the way to school and I think it’s a bad word. I asked my friend Bobby what it meant because he has an older brother and always knows about bad words and never told the teacher before but he called you over and now I’m in trouble.”
The recess teacher said “Oh, that sounds terrible Johnny, I’m sure you weren’t trying to cause trouble. Just tell me the word and I can tell you what it means and we can forget this whole thing ever happened.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Johnny. I’m an adult, I can handle it.”
“Okay, well the word is blue-light.”
The recess teacher exclaimed “Young man, we are going to talk to your teacher this instant!” She then grabbed his arm and marched him inside the school before recess was even over.
When they got to Johnny’s classroom, his teacher was surprised to see Johnny and the recess teacher both so upset. “What happened?” she queried.
“You tell her what you did, Johnny” scolded the recess teacher.
Johnny practically sobbed “I heard this word on the way to school and I think it’s a bad word. I asked my friend Bobby what it meant because he has an older brother and always knows about bad words and never told the teacher before but he called the recess teacher over. Then she said I could ask her what it meant and it would be OK but then she got mad too and brought me in here to see you. And now I’m in trouble.”
The teacher said “Well I’m surprised at you Johnny, you’re usually very well behaved. What is the word?”
Johnny replied through his tears “I don’t think I should say it – I always get in trouble.”
The teacher reassured him that it would be ok and Johnny reluctantly whispered “Blue-light.”
“OK, YOUNG MAN. We are going to the principal’s office. Get your backpack NOW!” Screamed the teacher.
Bawling, Johnny followed his teacher to the principal’s office. Once there, the principal asked Johnny why on earth he was crying. Johnny quickly said “I heard this word on the way to school and I think it’s a bad word. I asked my friend Bobby what it meant because he has an older brother and always knows about bad words and never told the teacher before. But he called the recess teacher over and then she said I could ask her what it meant and it would be ok. But then she got mad too and took me to my teacher and she said I could say it to her but she got really mad and yelled at me and she took me to see you. Now I’m in trouble.”
The principal attempted to soothe Johnny just a bit and then offered to forget the whole incident if he would promise never to say the word after he learned what it meant. Johnny readily agreed.
The principal then asked him “OK, Johnny, what is the word?” Reluctantly Johnny said “It’s blue-light.”
The principal immediately grabbed his phone and called Johnny’s mother. He was furious.
When Johnny’s mother arrived, she asked the principal what the problem was but the principal said Johnny would have to explain. Also, after he did explain, he would have to go home for the rest of the day pending further punishment.
Johnny blurted out “I heard this word on the way to school and I think it’s a bad word. I asked my friend Bobby what it meant because he has an older brother and always knows about bad words and never told the teacher before. But he called the recess teacher over and then she said I could ask her what it meant and it would be ok. But then she got mad too and took me to my teacher and she said I could say it to her but she got really mad and yelled at me and she took me to see the principal. The principal said I could say what the word was but when I did, he called you to take me home. Now I’m in trouble.”
His mother was shocked about all of this but nonetheless apologized to the principal and took Johnny out to the car. When they got there, she asked Johnny what the word was.
Johnny said “I’m not so sure I should tell you. I keep getting in trouble.”
“I am your mother; you will tell me the word.”
“Well, ok. It’s blue-light.”
“John Arthur Jameson. You will go to your room right now and not come out until your father returns from work”
Johnny moped up to his room and sat quietly on his bed dreading the return of his father. When his father got back, Johnny heard his mother tell his father that Johnny was in trouble. Johnny’s father came up the stairs a short time later looking tired. “What happened, Johnny?”
“I heard this word on the way to school and I think it’s a bad word. I asked my friend Bobby what it meant because he has an older brother and always knows about bad words and never told the teacher before. But he called the recess teacher over and then she said I could ask her what it meant and it would be ok. But then she got mad too and took me to my teacher and she said I could say it to her but she got really mad and yelled at me and she took me to see the principal. The principal said I could say what the word was but when I did, he called my mom to take me home. My mom said it would be just fine but then when I told her, she made me go to my room. Now I’m in trouble.”
“Well, son, I’m your father and you’re getting to be a big boy now. I think this would be a good time to have a big boy talk. You tell me the word and I’ll sort everything out with your mother and the school.”
“Ok, dad. The word is blue-light.”
“YOU GET OUT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW, YOU UNGRATEFUL CHILD” screamed Johnny’s dad.
Crying, Johnny ran out of the house into the night. When he stopped running, he was downtown in not a very nice neighborhood.
A hobo saw him and said “Hey, kid! Are you lost?”
Johnny said “Yeah. I got kicked out of my house tonight and I don’t know what to do.”
The hobo said “How is that possible? What could you have possibly done to get kicked out of your house?”
“Well I heard this word on the way to school and I think it’s a bad word. I asked my friend Bobby what it meant because he has an older brother and always knows about bad words and never told the teacher before. But he called the recess teacher over and then she said I could ask her what it meant and it would be ok. But then she got mad too and took me to my teacher and she said I could say it to her but she got really mad and yelled at me and she took me to see the principal. The principal said I could say what the word was but when I did, he called my mom to take me home. My mom said it would be just fine but then when I told her, she made me go to my room. When my dad got home, he said I could tell him because I was getting to be a big boy and we could have big boy talks but he kicked me out of the house. Now I’m in trouble.”
The hobo said “I’m sorry, kid. Just tell me the word. I’ve lived on the street for years, it can’t be worse than those ridiculous punks who run around doing drugs and shooting people”
Confused, Johnny said “What?”
“Just tell me the word, kid”
“It’s blue-light”
Immediately, the hobo was screaming bloody murder and asking the beat officer who was down the street to come help him. The police office ran over and breathlessly inquired as to what on earth was going on.
Johnny cut in, saying “I heard this word on the way to school and I think it’s a bad word. I asked my friend Bobby what it meant because he has an older brother and always knows about bad words and never told the teacher before. But he called the recess teacher over and then she said I could ask her what it meant and it would be ok. But then she got mad too and took me to my teacher and she said I could say it to her but she got really mad and yelled at me and she took me to see the principal. The principal said I could say what the word was but when I did, he called my mom to take me home. My mom said it would be just fine but then when I told her, she made me go to my room. When my dad got home, he said I could tell him because I was getting to be a big boy and we could have big boy talks but he kicked me out of the house. The hobo said I could tell him because he’s been on the street but he called you over when I told him. Now I’m in trouble.”
At this, the police officer did not know whether to laugh or not. This was obviously some sort of strange joke.
He started to say “Now, kid. It’s really late, just go—“
But Johnny cut him off saying “No, really officer. I’m not lying”
“Ok, kid, what’s the word.”
“It’s blue light”
“Alright, that is the last straw. We don’t need riff-raff like you on our streets. We’re going to the station and you’re spending the night.”
When they arrived at the police station, the officer threw Johnny into a holding cell and went to start filling out all the paperwork. Johnny looked around a bit and then sat in the corner and started to cry. This woke up the drunk guy in cell next to his. The drunk asked why he was in jail and Johnny was only too happy to explain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mvbkr/the_blue_light_joke_long_but_worth_it/
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Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"
"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."
"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"
"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked off the ship into shark infested waters and a great white bit my hand right off. I stabbed him with a harpoon after that though.
"That sounds terrible. What happened to your eye?"
"Arr, one day I was near port and a ton of seagulls were flying overhead. When I looked up into the sky, one of them pooped and it landed right in my eye."
"That's...really gross. But why would you lose your eye from that?"
"Arr, it was the first day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mvam2/once_i_met_a_pirate_with_a_peg_leg_a_hook_hand/
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What's a dilemma for an atheist vegan?

What will they tell you about first??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mv5af/whats_a_dilemma_for_an_atheist_vegan/
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Trump said...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.
Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.
This isn't my joke, but I never saw it on Reddit before. I don't know the source.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mv0x8/trump_said/
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Some say filling animals with helium is wrong

But I say whatever floats your goat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6muzra/some_say_filling_animals_with_helium_is_wrong/
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What's the difference between a pimple and a priest?

One waits untill you're 12 to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6muypq/whats_the_difference_between_a_pimple_and_a_priest/
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Q: What do you call a french guy in sandals?

A: Phillipe Phloppe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mux7r/q_what_do_you_call_a_french_guy_in_sandals/
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Hot women and exotic cars have a lot in common!

U wanna ride both but no one will let you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mutp0/hot_women_and_exotic_cars_have_a_lot_in_common/
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Micky mouse goes to court to get a divorce from Minnie mouse

The judge says "You cannot divorce her because she is crazy"
to which Mickey replies "No, i am divorcing her because she is fucking goofy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mut44/micky_mouse_goes_to_court_to_get_a_divorce_from/
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The gynecologist decided she wanted to change careers.

So she applied to an auto mechanic school. After completing all the coursework, she took her final exam. After the exam, the professor was handing out the test results. When she got hers, she was thoroughly confused.
"Professor, it says here that I got 150% on my test. There must have been some kind of mistake. There wasn't any extra credit."
"No, that score is correct." said the professor, "The first 50%, that was for taking the motor apart. The second 50% was for putting it back together correctly. The extra 50% I gave because you did it all through the tailpipe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mup50/the_gynecologist_decided_she_wanted_to_change/
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Why don't Indians have food fights?

Because they're naan-violent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mun6q/why_dont_indians_have_food_fights/
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There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mun2x/there_was_a_boy_playing_in_the_farm_field_when/
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I first noticed I was going bald

When it took longer and longer to wash my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mumw0/i_first_noticed_i_was_going_bald/
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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now what the fuck would you say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mukm0/a_farmer_named_clyde_had_a_car_accident/
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Why is net neutrality so important?

Somebody tell me, please! My ISP won't let me access the info for some reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6muhwv/why_is_net_neutrality_so_important/
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I'm really proud that I managed to finish a jigsaw puzzle in a few days.

The box said 2-4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mud73/im_really_proud_that_i_managed_to_finish_a_jigsaw/
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How to tell whether someone is an idiot

“Doctor, how can you tell whether someone is an idiot, even if he looks normal to you?”
“For that, we have special questions.”
“Can you name an example?”
“Mountaineer Brown climbed Mount Everest three times but he was killed during one of these ascents. Can you tell me which one?”
“But doctor, that surely won't work for people like me who know nothing about mountaineering.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6muasd/how_to_tell_whether_someone_is_an_idiot/
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My wife is leaving me because I'm going bald.

I'm not bothered though, it's hair loss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6muaiz/my_wife_is_leaving_me_because_im_going_bald/
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SQL

Three SQL databases walk into a bar... then they leave. Why?
They couldn't find a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mu8nd/sql/
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A farmer has an impotent bull...

After months of desperation and trying everything he asks for the help of a fellow farmer, who tells him to show the bull some hardcore porn. Despite the silly advice, he has nothing to lose. He sets up a projector in the barn and showers the bull with porn around the clock for several days, and exposes him to the cows afterwards. Sure enough, the bull jumps on the first cow he lays his eyes upon and starts humping like a champ as the farmer watches in joy, which quickly turns into horror as the bull pulls out and proceeds to cum all over the cow's face.
Full disclosure: This was on Reddit 3 years ago but I thought is was funny enough to repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mu735/a_farmer_has_an_impotent_bull/
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I like my jokes like I like my Alzheimer's



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mu0xc/i_like_my_jokes_like_i_like_my_alzheimers/
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The hard of hearing stoner...

got really disappointed when he finally arrived at his uncle's wheat farm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mtyqc/the_hard_of_hearing_stoner/
%
Whats a frogs favourite drink?

Croaka Cola.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mtwwr/whats_a_frogs_favourite_drink/
%
I was going to do a survey about levels of depression in /r/Jokes...

I had read somewhere that comedians often have higher level of depression and sadness than the general population, but then I realised, if that was true, the Redditors on /r/Jokes would be the happiest people alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mtw3e/i_was_going_to_do_a_survey_about_levels_of/
%
I’m not addicted to cocaine.

I just like its smell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mtvrn/im_not_addicted_to_cocaine/
%
A libertarian walks into a bar. . .

The barman serves him tainted alcohol because there are no regulations.
He dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mtobq/a_libertarian_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a dog's understudy?

A subwoofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mtmrw/what_do_you_call_a_dogs_understudy/
%
I was listening to some music with my friend and he told me "you should turn the bass down on your speaker".

It was sound advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mtk8b/i_was_listening_to_some_music_with_my_friend_and/
%
Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mtg95/why_do_they_bury_lawyers_under_20_feet_of_dirt/
%
I've been trying to put a finger on what's causing my anxiety...

But my boss doesn't like to be touched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mtdcu/ive_been_trying_to_put_a_finger_on_whats_causing/
%
A mummy phones a restaurant and asks to reserve a table for the Pharaoh Sakrakhotep I...

The woman at the restaurant says, “Could you spell it out, please?”
The mummy says, “Of course: bird, two triangles, wavy line, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mt8sz/a_mummy_phones_a_restaurant_and_asks_to_reserve_a/
%
A blonde, a nun, a Croat and a Slovenian are travelling in the same train.

They enter the tunnel and it gets dark in the whole train. Suddenly, everyone hears a loud slap. When the train exited the tunnel, it got brighter and everyone saw that the Slovenian's face turned red. Nun thinks: "This pervert must've touched the blonde so he got what he deserved." Blonde thinks: "This jerk has probably wanted to touch me, but he accidentally touched the nun so he got what he deserved." Slovenian thinks: "This Croat must have touched the blonde and she slapped me instead of him." Croat thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel to slap him again."                EDIT: This is the original form of the joke so I left it that way. Sorry if my English was incorrect in some parts. :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mt8gs/a_blonde_a_nun_a_croat_and_a_slovenian_are/
%
How do you prevent family members from having sex with each other?

Use incesticide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mt7q8/how_do_you_prevent_family_members_from_having_sex/
%
Why did the shepherd sleep on the job?

Because he was busy counting sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mt7og/why_did_the_shepherd_sleep_on_the_job/
%
Do you know what two words can wreck a man's life?

I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mt7nf/do_you_know_what_two_words_can_wreck_a_mans_life/
%
A man is standing on the bow of the Titanic as it is sinking, holding a glass of whiskey.

He says: "I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mt66f/a_man_is_standing_on_the_bow_of_the_titanic_as_it/
%
What do you call a deaf person without arms?

Fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mt62l/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_person_without_arms/
%
A friend asked me what my tattoo says.

I told him, "It doesn't really talk much."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mt5yd/a_friend_asked_me_what_my_tattoo_says/
%
I never say no to a fight

But when my grandmother said "Let's take this outside" I'm beginning to think she may have been talking about my Bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mt54a/i_never_say_no_to_a_fight/
%
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary.  For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mt0c0/my_dad_told_me_this_is_why_different_branches_of/
%
My girlfriend's such a bad cook,

she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mswvk/my_girlfriends_such_a_bad_cook/
%
I was doing the laundry today and I started reading the side of the detergent and it said…

Tough on Grime.
Smashes Dirt.
Hard on Stains.
I thought, wow, that last one's a bit too much information…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6msupj/i_was_doing_the_laundry_today_and_i_started/
%
I was gonna get a book on how to commit suicide at the library,

But the last one hasn't brought it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6msrlf/i_was_gonna_get_a_book_on_how_to_commit_suicide/
%
Why does Connor McGregor hate the spring time?

Because he hates MayWeather

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6msqn8/why_does_connor_mcgregor_hate_the_spring_time/
%
Whats the difference between a muslim and a catholic priest?

The muslim has to die before he gets his virgins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6msn00/whats_the_difference_between_a_muslim_and_a/
%
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?

A $100 bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6msmz8/whats_6_inches_long_2_inches_wide_and_drives/
%
Aboard the Shuttle Flight Out of Dallas

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it.
When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.
The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.
“This fighting between our services?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6msii3/aboard_the_shuttle_flight_out_of_dallas/
%
Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase?

I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6msifx/did_you_hear_the_price_of_balloons_is_going_to/
%
What does the Quran have in common with weed?

Burn it and you get stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6msif6/what_does_the_quran_have_in_common_with_weed/
%
Finally made the call to Gamblers Anonymous

Bet them 3:1 they couldn't help me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mshs5/finally_made_the_call_to_gamblers_anonymous/
%
Knock knock

"who's there?"
"it's the police."
"what do you want?"
"we just wanna talk."
"how many of you are there?"
"three."
"then talk to each other."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6msgro/knock_knock/
%
What is the Last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your car window?

It's asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6msg0m/what_is_the_last_thing_that_goes_through_a_bugs/
%
If I run around pollenating flowers...

Am I a human beeing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6msdw4/if_i_run_around_pollenating_flowers/
%
Hello and Welcome to the mental health hotline...

If you are obsessive-compulsive,
press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent,
please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities,
press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional,
press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive,
it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic,
press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number, and your mothers maiden name.
If you have posttraumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y a-n-d c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-termmemory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6msdh5/hello_and_welcome_to_the_mental_health_hotline/
%
What's Gordon Ramseys favorite part of a lion

It's fucking roar!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6msci2/whats_gordon_ramseys_favorite_part_of_a_lion/
%
What do you call a drunk astronaut?

Bud-light-beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6msbq1/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_astronaut/
%
What do you call a group of Homosexual Lions?

Gay pride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ms7c6/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_homosexual_lions/
%
How do you escape from a windowless bunker with a sealed vault door using only a rubber band and a puddle of water?

1).Look into the puddle and see what you saw.
2). Pick up the saw and cut the rubber band in half
3).Pick up the 2 halves of the rubber band.
4). 1 half plus 1 half equals 1 whole.
5). Use the whole on the door and escape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ms78q/how_do_you_escape_from_a_windowless_bunker_with_a/
%
I love hanging out with my African friend

We kind of just click

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ms628/i_love_hanging_out_with_my_african_friend/
%
Nothing Original

There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ms5h8/nothing_original/
%
Why was the spider community so peaceful?

They experienced neutrality across the web.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ms4ij/why_was_the_spider_community_so_peaceful/
%
What do you call a bunch of witches getting together to smoke weed?

Easy Bake coven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ms4he/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_witches_getting/
%
Three tampons are walking down a road, which one do you talk to?

None of them; they're all stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ms460/three_tampons_are_walking_down_a_road_which_one/
%
Found out my crush likes me back!

I just wish I could post this in literally any other sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ms43t/found_out_my_crush_likes_me_back/
%
"Do you want to borrow my book of recycled jokes?"

No thanks, I've already Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mrwm1/do_you_want_to_borrow_my_book_of_recycled_jokes/
%
Whenever I ask my dog a question, his answer is always "RUFF!" [NSFW]

So you see, officer, that's why his asshole is bleeding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mrrs7/whenever_i_ask_my_dog_a_question_his_answer_is/
%
So, a guy goes in for a physical...

...and the doctor says, "I'm afraid l have bad news: you're gonna have to quit masturbating." The patient says, "But why, Doc?" "Because l'm trying to give you a physical."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mrm8t/so_a_guy_goes_in_for_a_physical/
%
If you put a loaded gun to your head and pull the trigger...

What happens next will blow your mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mrhnt/if_you_put_a_loaded_gun_to_your_head_and_pull_the/
%
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits

I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mreux/as_soon_as_the_zombie_apocalypse_hits/
%
Have you heard of the new senior board game?

It's called "Alzhimers Hide 'N Seek".
It's single-player.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mrcre/have_you_heard_of_the_new_senior_board_game/
%
I accidentally swallowed two pieces of string today and they came out tied together

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mra8l/i_accidentally_swallowed_two_pieces_of_string/
%
Today's date is 7/11

which is convenient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mra0g/todays_date_is_711/
%
A bully made fun of my friend's 9cm penis

He stopped after I whipped my 9mm out of my pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mr3zf/a_bully_made_fun_of_my_friends_9cm_penis/
%
Where does Donald Trump Jr. buy his groceries?

Traitor Joe's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mqwwk/where_does_donald_trump_jr_buy_his_groceries/
%
My son got in trouble at school today

for letting a girl jack him off.
I said, "son that's three schools this year, maybe teaching isn't for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mqvdb/my_son_got_in_trouble_at_school_today/
%
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mqs3v/if_the_klu_klux_klan_leaders_are_wizards_why_dont/
%
If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife..

Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mqq3r/if_a_man_with_a_foot_fetish_cheats_on_his_wife/
%
At this point I feel that there's probably nothing self-incriminating in his tax returns.

Or else Donald J. Trump or Junior would have tweeted it out to the public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mqpm6/at_this_point_i_feel_that_theres_probably_nothing/
%
A girl walks into a dry cleaner

She goes inside to drop off her blouse. Before she leaves the owner says, "Come again!". The girl replied, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mqogk/a_girl_walks_into_a_dry_cleaner/
%
Why do cellular biologists always disagree with mathematicians?

Because to them dividing and multiplying are the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mqo59/why_do_cellular_biologists_always_disagree_with/
%
I used to date a Tennis player.

When we broke up she told me my love meant nothing to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mqn3m/i_used_to_date_a_tennis_player/
%
It's always good to invest in grappling hooks

Their value is always going up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mqlw2/its_always_good_to_invest_in_grappling_hooks/
%
Dear Redditor

I am the pastor of a church with a small congregation, but my name is unimportant. Instead, I would like you to hear a story about a man who changed lives.
I first met Clifford Banks when he stumbled drunkenly out of a local bar. He was a portly fellow, unshaven, and he reeked of alcohol and vomit. I guided him to the church and cleaned him up. Once sober, Clifford told me his story of hardship, about how he could not find a decent job, about how he turned to alcohol, drugs, and a slovenly lifestyle when his parents kicked him out of their house.
A few days later, after purchasing a second-hand suit for Clifford, I took him to several job interviews. He managed to get a position at a local retail shop, but Clifford felt the work was beneath his education. He soon returned to the rolls of the unemployed, drowning his sorrows in drink, drugs, and gluttonous excess. Several more times I tried to get Clifford on the path to sobriety, but he relapsed a few days after each attempt.
God seemingly had different plans for Clifford.
On a Sunday morning, Clifford attended my sermon. He smelled of alcohol and feces, and my congregation took notice. Now, God forgive me for this part, but I decided to use Clifford as an example of the evils of excess. I called Clifford to the front of the church, pointed him out, and I then explained to my congregation what alcohol, drugs, and sloth could do to a person.
After my sermon, I expected to hear complaints about my treatment of Clifford. Yet I heard nothing. In fact, a few days later a local elementary school teacher asked if she could bring her class to the church for a repeat of the sermon. Of course, I had to get Clifford on board.
For $25, he agreed. Clifford soon had a source of income.
The success of the message, with Clifford as the example, brought groups from all across the nation. They would hear my words and see Clifford sitting on the stage. They would see his gut hanging out of his pants, hear his drunken belches reverberate through the pews, smell the putrid stench of vomit and feces. They would know the truth of excess and see the miserable state of a man named Clifford Banks.
Unfortunately, Clifford's lifestyle eventually caught up with him. He passed away a week ago. Still, my message was changing lives, and I wish to continue my work. That is the reason I am writing you.
A mutual friend gave me your name as someone who could replace Clifford. Please let me know if you are interested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mqj2f/dear_redditor/
%
An Old Married Couple Is Traveling and Decides To Stop At A Hotel...

An old married couple was travelling by car on their way home. After almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for five hours and then get back on the road since they were in a hurry.
When they checked out five hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for five hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them," the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have his check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mqie0/an_old_married_couple_is_traveling_and_decides_to/
%
A comedian was hired to cheer up a group of suicidal patients.

I hear his jokes killed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mqfh5/a_comedian_was_hired_to_cheer_up_a_group_of/
%
Today is Cow Appreciation Day at Chik-fil-a....

But when I went in dressed as my wife they wouldn't give me my free chicken sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mqfdy/today_is_cow_appreciation_day_at_chikfila/
%
President Trump: "I've raised THE BEST kids....."

".....They are the most polite people you have ever seen.  Just today Don Jr. has already said "Pardon Me, Dad" at least 10 times.  He has such great manners!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mqa4h/president_trump_ive_raised_the_best_kids/
%
I've been in an abusive relationship for months now and I can't seem to get out of it. Someone show me what I'm doing wrong.

Everytime I hit her, she keeps coming back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mq9ri/ive_been_in_an_abusive_relationship_for_months/
%
[nsfw] So a couple in a nursing home decide to have intercourse

The attraction had been growing between them. He was hard of hearing, and both connected quickly, as they endeared one another's patience and stark and sardonic humor.
They hadn't been with anyone since their partners had passed, but they decided it was time. They ran out to the nearby wooded area and started passionately making out. Soon, they were on the ground and each found themselves aroused.
The man went down on the woman, and she grew quite excited, while he had found himself harder than he had in years.
She pulls him towards her and he is about to enter her when she stops him and says, "I need you to know: take it slow, I have acute angina."
"It ain't that cute."
She died laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mq8za/nsfw_so_a_couple_in_a_nursing_home_decide_to_have/
%
How do you get a musician off your front porch?

Pay for the pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mq6sb/how_do_you_get_a_musician_off_your_front_porch/
%
Is google male or female?

Female, because it doesnt let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mq4n4/is_google_male_or_female/
%
Losing a wife can be very tough...

Some may even say impossible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mq3av/losing_a_wife_can_be_very_tough/
%
Elvis was driving down the highway when he got into an accident.

The paramedics found him and realised he was in shock and so they told him, "Mr. Presley, we need you to step out of the vehicle, you're all shook up."
"Uhuh huh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpzmi/elvis_was_driving_down_the_highway_when_he_got/
%
Ma and Pa

were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?"
As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpzj6/ma_and_pa/
%
This guy was buying a pregnancy test. I looked at him and he looked back awkwardly.

"It's not for me," he said, embarrassed. "It's for my sister."
I said, "Sick bastard. Why are you having sex with her?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpzdd/this_guy_was_buying_a_pregnancy_test_i_looked_at/
%
How do you get -0?

Tell 8 to remove the belt
...I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpy6a/how_do_you_get_0/
%
My nickname at school was glue

I don't know why, it just seemed to stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpy2j/my_nickname_at_school_was_glue/
%
Bill gates, Donald Trump, the Pope, and a boy are on a plane that's about to crash. There are 3 parachutes.

Everyone agreed that Bill Gates was very important, and the world wouldn't be the same without him. And so, he grabbed a parachute and jumped out.
Donald Trump said that he was the president of the United States, and he claimed that he was very important and "the smartest president there ever will be", so he jumped out as well.
The Pope said to the boy, "I am old, and my days are almost over. Take the last parachute and jump!"
The boy replied, "It's fine, Donald Trump didn't grab a parachute; he grabbed my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpx4k/bill_gates_donald_trump_the_pope_and_a_boy_are_on/
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What do you call a mystery Mexican?

Juan Doe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpvrg/what_do_you_call_a_mystery_mexican/
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If I had a nickel for every time someone said "look at that asshole!"

I'd have enough money to patch up that hole in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpu54/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_someone_said/
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Two lumps of concrete walk into a busy bar...

They see some chairs next to a lump of tarmac, and the one goes over to sit when the other grabs him saying:
"Dude, don't sit next to him.. he's a cycle-path"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpt7w/two_lumps_of_concrete_walk_into_a_busy_bar/
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Every girl wants to be swept off her feet.

It's only when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpsu1/every_girl_wants_to_be_swept_off_her_feet/
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What's a virgin's favorite food?

A don'tnut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mprza/whats_a_virgins_favorite_food/
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I'm going out for a meal with my girlfriend tonight.

I've set the clock back four hours so we get there on time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mprlf/im_going_out_for_a_meal_with_my_girlfriend_tonight/
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So, there are two men.

They know each other for years now. Frank, a brain surgeon from new york and Ahmad a former refugee from syria.
Both men want to build an house and decide to build their houses in the very same street, next to each other. They even ask the architect to just copy the first house!
And when the houses are built Ahmad says to Frank: "My house is worth more than yours."
"How can that be? We both live next to each other!"
"Yes"
"Our houses were built identically, with the same materials."
"True."
"So how can it be, Ahmad?"
"Very simple: I live next to a brain surgeon and you live next to a refugee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpj6c/so_there_are_two_men/
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Why cant an eye doctor count to 3?

They never make it past 1, or 2. 1, or 2?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mphv6/why_cant_an_eye_doctor_count_to_3/
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A cannibal dumped his girlfriend.

And then flushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mphm9/a_cannibal_dumped_his_girlfriend/
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We're having a Jamaican themed hair day at work this Friday

I'm dreading it already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpg6b/were_having_a_jamaican_themed_hair_day_at_work/
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A Jewish man’s mother-in-law is in court for stealing a bag of oranges...

The judge says, “Well, since you stole 6 oranges, your punishment is 6 nights in jail, one for each orange.” Immediately the Jewish Man jumps up out of his seat and yells, “WAIT!” The whole room is shocked. “What is it? Do you not feel that this is a fair punishment?” Asks the judge. “Oh No. I think it’s very fair. I just wanted to add that she stole a bag of peas as well...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpeky/a_jewish_mans_motherinlaw_is_in_court_for/
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3 aristocrats in the French Revolution

So during the reign of terror in the French Revolution, there was a line of aristocrats waiting to be executed by guillotine.  Near the middle of the line, there was a clergyman, an artist, and an engineer.
The clergyman got up to the chopping block and said a short prayer, and miraculously when the guillotine dropped to kill him, it stopped just inches from his neck.
The artist was amazed and started praying feverishly.  When he got up to the gallows, the ax-man pulled the rope and the blade slid down quickly but stopped about a foot above his neck.  Both the artist and clergyman were set free.
Then the engineer was called up to the platform, and the undertaker said, ‘Well, son, would you like to say a prayer as well?’  The engineer said “Ya know, a little WD-40 would loosen that blade right up!“.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpdt9/3_aristocrats_in_the_french_revolution/
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Little Johnny misses a day at school.

He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.
"Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned."
"Oh dear!" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious"
"Well Miss," he replied, "they don't fuck about at the crematorium."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mpcq3/little_johnny_misses_a_day_at_school/
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I clicked on a link for a naked Trump leak.

Turned out it was just fake nudes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mp8sk/i_clicked_on_a_link_for_a_naked_trump_leak/
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A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

CEO comes up and asks his salary.
The man replies - $1000
The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !
The man leaves.
The CEO asks workers - who was this guy ?
They reply - a pizza delivery man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mp6p9/a_man_on_the_floor_in_a_factory_stands_not_doing/
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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shuck between fits...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mp2uq/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
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What is a pornstar's favorite article of clothing?

A jack it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mp1w6/what_is_a_pornstars_favorite_article_of_clothing/
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My wife started swimming for exercise...

she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mozzg/my_wife_started_swimming_for_exercise/
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NSFW My wife told me that her vagina is a jurisdictional wetland

and now I have to buy a permit if I want to fill it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mozmp/nsfw_my_wife_told_me_that_her_vagina_is_a/
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Why does snoop dog always have an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mou4x/why_does_snoop_dog_always_have_an_umbrella/
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What's the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T?

E.T learned English and wanted to go home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mou47/whats_the_difference_between_an_illegal_immigrant/
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Why did the biologist go to prison?

He wanted to study the cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6morgy/why_did_the_biologist_go_to_prison/
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My ex wife still misses me...

...but her aim is getting better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mokal/my_ex_wife_still_misses_me/
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Two fleas go to California for vacation

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"  To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies toilet, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies toilet and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6moj3m/two_fleas_go_to_california_for_vacation/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?"
The pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6moe0n/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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If you want to destroy science, you are a fundamentalist; if you want to destroy spiritual theology, you are a scientist; if you want to destroy both, you are

Nietzsche

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mo89v/if_you_want_to_destroy_science_you_are_a/
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Alien experiment

So these 2 aliens get orders to go to this new planet earth and abduct a human for studying. The aliens, not knowing what a human looks like, happen to land at a gas station.
Alien A walks up to the gas pump and shrugs and says, " human surrender and come with us" the gas pump doesn't do anything.
The alien repeats himself saying "surrender and come with us" the gas pump still does nothing.
Alien A extremely annoyed pulls out his phaser and says " human surrender and come with us or I will shoot you" the gas pump doesn't respond.
Alien A shoots the gas pump and there is a giant fiery explosion that launches the aliens a 100 yards away. Alien B looks over at his partner and says, "if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times. Never mess with a guy that can wrap his dick around his waist throw it over his shoulder and stick it in his ear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mo82t/alien_experiment/
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I called the Suicide hotline today

They left me hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mo5je/i_called_the_suicide_hotline_today/
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A soldier comes back from Vietnam...

And finds out he caught some kind of bad crotch-rot from one of the hookers. His dick is changing colors; red, purple, green, so he goes to the VA to get it looked at.
The first doctor sees it and immediately says "I've never seen anything like that, I think we're going to have to amputate".
"No way Doc, you can't cut off my Johnson"
So he goes to get a second opinion and the second doctor gives him the same verdict. He goes home and thinks on it since he definitely doesn't want to lose his manhood. Finally he has an epiphany; since it was a Vietnamese hooker, maybe a Vietnamese  doctor will have some treatment for him.
After the doctor examines him he asks "so Doc, tell me we wont have to amputate."
"Oh no, we no have amputate."
"Whew, that's a relief!"
"Three, maybe four day, it fall off by self."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mo2t2/a_soldier_comes_back_from_vietnam/
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I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, that's fine." they replied.
I added, "Your luggage is outside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mo1sw/i_said_to_my_parents_mom_dad_ive_decided_to_live/
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Words of wisdom from a WW2 veteran. (from /r/military)

If you encounter a unit you can't identify, fire a shot above their head so it won't hit anyone.
If their response consists of rapid, precise, and controlled fire. They're British.
If their response is a shitstorm of machine gun fire. They're German.
If they throw down their guns and surrender. They're Italian.
If nothing happens for 5 minutes and then your position absolutely obliterated by support artillery and air strikes. They're American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mnw2h/words_of_wisdom_from_a_ww2_veteran_from_rmilitary/
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Did you hear about the two thieves that stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mnu4d/did_you_hear_about_the_two_thieves_that_stole_a/
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What do you call a wheelchair-bound nun who lives high up on a mountain?

A) High roller
B) Virgin mobile
C) Nun of the above

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mnszk/what_do_you_call_a_wheelchairbound_nun_who_lives/
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George R.R. Martin, Steven Moffat, and Joss Whedon walk into a bar.

Everyone you've ever loved dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mnsxg/george_rr_martin_steven_moffat_and_joss_whedon/
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Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mnsuf/why_do_scottish_men_wear_kilts/
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I'm like a salmon swimming upstream...

I'm horny and ready to die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mnruf/im_like_a_salmon_swimming_upstream/
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I've been in jail for only 10 minutes and I have already been raped and beaten 3 times...

This is definitely the last time I play monopoly with my dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mnmud/ive_been_in_jail_for_only_10_minutes_and_i_have/
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Today these things happened:

1. I woke up
2. I went to 7/11
3. I won the lottery
4. I bought a Lamborghini
real order: 2,3,4,1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mngp7/today_these_things_happened/
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Light travels faster than sound.

That is why some people appear quite bright ,until you hear them talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mnd2m/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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A man walks into a bar

He says, "give me a drink, I'm celebrating my first blowjob."
The bartender says "that's great the drinks on the house!"
A few minutes later the man says, "give me another drink."
Then a few more minutes later, the bartender asks.. "Would you like a third drink?" And the man says "no, if two drinks don't get the taste out of my mouth I guess nothing will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mnc6a/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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When God first made Adam and Eve, we learned a few things.

In the early days of the Garden of Eden, God didn't realize that he had made Eve much hornier than planned. She was constantly after Adam's junk. One day, after Adam couldn't get it up any more, Eve decided to look for fulfillment elsewhere.
She stormed off, and the first creature she saw was a dinosaur. Eve thought to herself, "He's a little big, but it's worth a try anyway." Once they had done the deed, the dinosaur began walking away and dropped dead shortly after. Since there wasn't going to be any more action there, Eve continued on. Soon she ran across some monkeys walking around by a lake shore. Eve thought "well, they're a little hairy but I will try this out anyway."
No sooner did she finish seducing and screwing one of the monkeys, and the whole troop took off and climbed up into the trees to stay. Well, Eve still wasn't satisfied, so she kept looking. Soon she came to a river, and as she was crossing she saw some fish making their way upstream.
"A little slimy, but I'm so horny that I don't care.", thought Eve, and she went ahead and did it with a fish too!
From this piece of history we learn; why the dinosaurs died out, why monkeys climb in trees, but we will never know how fish used to smell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mnav1/when_god_first_made_adam_and_eve_we_learned_a_few/
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Dark humor is like a Make a Wish kid.

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mn9lo/dark_humor_is_like_a_make_a_wish_kid/
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Why would it suck to be an egg?

Because it takes 4min to get hard, 2min to get soft and the only one that will sit on your face is your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mn98h/why_would_it_suck_to_be_an_egg/
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My work is fucking horrible.

Its mostly the people that work there:
First we have this dumb bitch. She is constantly conplaining about this and that. She is an 11/10 and cant solve a simple problem to save her fucking life. She is dumber than a box of rocks and i hate that i have an enormous crush on her.
Next we have this chick that's the complete opposite. She is a 0/10 and i cant stand her smart ass comments and talk. She is so smart i dont understand why she is still with us because she can literally be anything she wants (except a prostitute).
Then there's this 22 year old stoner. He dresses like a hippy from the 60's and cant grow a beard anywhere else on his face other than on his chin. He is constantly stoned before work, during work, and after work. He is constantly fucking hungry and requires multiple trips for food to keep him satisfied every day.
But the real best part is the FUCKING DOG that this stoner brings. He's a huge dog that is probably fucking dying from the second hand smoke. The dog whines and cries all the fucking time like he's trying to say something.
So anyway, i drive these dumb asses around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mmt3w/my_work_is_fucking_horrible/
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A guy finds himself alone in the forest, trapped in quicksand...

He can't get out, and he's slowly sinking further and further.
He's up to his knees, and a guy finds him.
"Excuse me! Can you help me get out of here?"
"Yeah, but you have to suck my dick."
"We'll never mind then."
"Okay, see ya."
So the guy walks off.
The man is still sinking in the sand, and at this point, he's up to his chest. The situation is becoming more serious.
Then another man walks up.
"Excuse me sir? Could you please help me get out of here?"
"Of course! But you have to blow me."
The guy thinks about it, and says "no, what is with you guys?!"
"Fine, see ya."
The guy walks off.
At this point, the man is up to his neck in quicksand, and he's taking his last breath. He's freaking out.
Then he sees another guy!
"Help sir, I'm about to suffocate in here. Please help! I'll do anything! I'll suck your dick!"
The guy stands over him and says "faggot." Then stomps his head into the quicksand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mmpsd/a_guy_finds_himself_alone_in_the_forest_trapped/
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Time flies like an arrow,

Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mmit9/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
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What do you get if you mix plutonium with a fishing rod?

Nuclear fission

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mmh6o/what_do_you_get_if_you_mix_plutonium_with_a/
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A man has a very passionate one night stand with a girl.

The next day when he wakes up he notices she is still caressing his cock. Amused he asks, "You are still horny, aren't you ?". The girl replies, " Nah I just miss mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mmh4c/a_man_has_a_very_passionate_one_night_stand_with/
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My girlfriends joke

Her: i had a crossword puzzle today that i couldnt get
Me: what was it?
Her: "an overworked postman"
Me: but how many letters?
Her: too many
Me: fuck.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mmgcf/my_girlfriends_joke/
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What's the only thing worse than listening to country music?

Enjoying it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mmcp9/whats_the_only_thing_worse_than_listening_to/
%
A penguin's car breaks down

He brings it to his mechanic and the mechanic tells him it will take a while to diagnose the issue.  It's a hot day out and so the penguin decides to go across the street to have an ice cream cone while he waits. He then returns to the mechanic's shop and his mechanic says "well, it looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replies "oh no, this is just ice cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mmc72/a_penguins_car_breaks_down/
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A vegetarian was very angry with her son, who became a butcher.

She's got a lot of beef right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mm8v8/a_vegetarian_was_very_angry_with_her_son_who/
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You can pick your nose,

and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your nose's friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mm5fa/you_can_pick_your_nose/
%
My girlfriend came up to me.

She said, "Dinner tonight...On me."
"Thanks," I said, "But I'd rather just use a plate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mm3m9/my_girlfriend_came_up_to_me/
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I've been playing video games since I was eight years old.

I should probably go and have a shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mm2ox/ive_been_playing_video_games_since_i_was_eight/
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I have a new idea for airplane design.

I'm hoping it'll take off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mm0r0/i_have_a_new_idea_for_airplane_design/
%
How do you know if your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mlxh0/how_do_you_know_if_your_roommate_is_gay/
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Who was Adolf Hitler's least favorite athlete?

O.J. Simpson. Everyone knows Hitler hated The Juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mlwks/who_was_adolf_hitlers_least_favorite_athlete/
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My girlfriend got a tattoo of a conch shell on her inner thigh...

Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the ocean.
If I lie there long enough, I get crabs on my forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mluwj/my_girlfriend_got_a_tattoo_of_a_conch_shell_on/
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Getting Married In Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mlu9e/getting_married_in_heaven/
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I had a job crushing cans once, but I hated it.

It was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mlrw1/i_had_a_job_crushing_cans_once_but_i_hated_it/
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Cunnilingus isn't helping my girlfriend's Tourette's.

She takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mlqwq/cunnilingus_isnt_helping_my_girlfriends_tourettes/
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If you're single and you know it

Use your hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mllj7/if_youre_single_and_you_know_it/
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Four men and a woman are at a coffeehouse...

The first man proudly says, "I'm better than all of you. I'm a priest, and whenever I walk into a room, everyone calls me "Father"".
The second man replies, "No, I'm better. I'm a bishop, and whenever I enter a room, everyone calls me "Your Excellency"".
The third man then says, "No, I'M better. I'm a cardinal, and whenever I enter a room, everyone calls me "Your Eminence"".
The fourth man says, "Shut up. I'm the best of you all. I'm the Pope, and whenever I enter a room, everyone calls me "Your Holiness"".
The woman just sits there in silence for a few moments, then begins to speak:
"I have 40DD tits, and whenever I enter a room, everyone just says "Oh My God".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mlixu/four_men_and_a_woman_are_at_a_coffeehouse/
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Doctor! Every morning at 7 sharp, I poop

Doctor: How is that a problem?
Man: I wake up at 8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mli20/doctor_every_morning_at_7_sharp_i_poop/
%
Why don't cats play cards?

Too many cheetas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mlho1/why_dont_cats_play_cards/
%
Today, i for the first time tasted pussy..

God, I hate cats..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mlhgd/today_i_for_the_first_time_tasted_pussy/
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Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party.

After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 storeys high. Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan to make the climbing easier. In the first 200 storeys, Tom would crack jokes. For the next 200 storeys, Dick would tell them a happy story and lastly Harry would tell a sad story. Next, they started climbing the steps. After two hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "OK guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mlgt8/tom_dick_and_harry_went_to_a_party/
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Every year hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school…

…never to be heard from again…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mlfc7/every_year_hundreds_of_kids_are_shipped_off_to/
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A girl brings her new fiance home to meet her parents for the very first time.

So a girl brings her new fiancee home to meet her parents. Boy looks like a hipster (scarf, big bushy beard, etc.) Understandably, her father would like to know the boy better and so he takes him to his study for a private conversation.
Dad: "So, John. What do you do for a living?"
Fiancee: "Well, I'm an artist."
D: "So you're doing well?"
F: "I paint, and god provides me with all I need to live."
So the dad is a bit confused.
D: "And what will you do when you marry my daughter? Will your art provide for the two of you?"
F: "I will paint, and god will provide for us."
D: "And when you have kids?"
F: "I will paint, and god will provide for my family."
The dad nods and walks out of the study. Outside, his daughter is anxiously waiting for him.
Daughter: "So, daddy? What'd you think of him? He's great, isn't he?"
"Well, sweetie," says the father, "I don't like his job choice. But, on the other hand, I LOVE what he calls me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mlag4/a_girl_brings_her_new_fiance_home_to_meet_her/
%
A Chinese, American, German, and Syrian are on a train

They're all looking out of the window.
The Chinese trying to show off throws a bag of rice out of the window, "We have a lot of rice".
The American grabs a bunch of dollar bills and throws them out, "WE have a lot of money".
The Syrian tells the German glaring at him, "what the fuck are you thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ml5oy/a_chinese_american_german_and_syrian_are_on_a/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common

But it's a shame they will never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ml5gw/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
What if you're held at gunpoint(bear with me) by a literate animal

and you're only hope of rescue(BEAR WITH ME) is posting a coded message on Reddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ml59r/what_if_youre_held_at_gunpointbear_with_me_by_a/
%
Little Johnny runs to the kitchen

...and shouts "Mommy, mommy! There is a clam! A big clam in the bedroom". Mom a bit confused asks "What are you talking about Johnny? What clam?". Johnny takes mom's hand and pulls her in the direction of the bedroom. He opens the door, points at the bed and shouts "There it is! There is the clam!". Mom looks at the bed and there lies the grandma. What made it worse was the fact that grandma was naked and her legs were spread like an eagle. Mom did not want to make a fuss about it, so she decided to explain the situation to little Johnny and goes "This is not a clam Johnny, this is your grandma's vagina...". Johnny looks at her and says "That is so strange! It tastes just like clam!"
PS. sorry for the English, was translating it from my mother tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ml3so/little_johnny_runs_to_the_kitchen/
%
The Soviet Union is marching on Finland!

A soviet commander hears a voice from the other side of a hill,"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 soviet soldiers!". So the soviet general sends in 10 soldiers, after a bit of gunfire he hears the voice again,"One Finnish soldier is better than 100 soviet soldiers!". Again the soviet general sends in his men and after a lot of gun fire he hears the voice again,"One Finnish soldier is better than 1000 soviet soldiers!". The soviet commander again, sends in his men, after a lot of gun fire he sees a soviet soldier dragging himself back over the hill, the soldier says,"Its a trap! There is 2 Finnish soldiers, don't send anymore men".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ml3fl/the_soviet_union_is_marching_on_finland/
%
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ml3au/it_has_been_scientifically_proven_that_girls/
%
Guy goes to a doctor...

A guy goes to a doctor and tells him, "I've been thinking about this a long time.  I want to be castrated.  This is important to me, and don't try to talk me out of it.  I don't want any discussion.  Just do it."
The doctor shrugs and agrees, and schedules him for surgery the next day.
The guy is laying in the recovery room afterwards with his knees up and an icepack where the work was done, and he looks over and sees another guy in the exact same recovery position.  "Looks like we both got the same surgery."
The other guy nods, "Yeah, although I still feel silly getting circumcised--"
"THAT'S THE WORD!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ml1zn/guy_goes_to_a_doctor/
%
A priest lived behind his chapel

...and one morning, he heard a knock on his door. The priest opens the door and finds an armless man standing there.
"How can I help you, son?" Asks the priest.
"Well sir," said the fellow, "The name's Sam, and I'm down out of luck. It's hard to get by as an armless man, and I need to support myself so I can eat. No one wants anything to do with me, so I thought if any place would help me it would be a church! So, is there any sort of job I could do for you? Just to earn enough to get by?"
The priest considers this for a moment, and replies, "well, there is one thing I need done but I'm not sure how you will accomplish it."
"Please, at least let me at least try!" He pleaded.
"Very well," replied the priest. "Follow me."
The priest led him into the church and up the steeple. There was a large bell overhanging the sanctuary.
"I need this rung at noon every Sunday, but I'm not sure how you can pull the rope" said the priest.
Without a moment's hesitation the fellow barreled headfirst into the side of the bell and rang it. To the priests surprise, it rang a beautiful tone. The priest gave him the job and went on his way. For many Sundays the man did his job. No one ever noticed him and he was rather forgotten of, even by the priest. He collected a deduction of the offerings for his support of the church without interference, after service.
One Sunday, when the priest was about to preform the Mass, it struck noon. The armless man promptly ran towards the bell, missed it, fell into the sanctuary and died.
Everyone stood up in shock, the priest running to him shouting in regret.
The congregation noticed the priests intimate concern and asked "You know him? What was he doing? What is his name?"
The priest, after thinking for a moment trying to remember, said "I don't know, but he rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mkz4x/a_priest_lived_behind_his_chapel/
%
What did the "l" say to the "!" when it started bitching?

What are you on your period?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mkv4k/what_did_the_l_say_to_the_when_it_started_bitching/
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Army officer in India

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mku3x/army_officer_in_india/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mktn1/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
%
I was in the kitchen when a flying insect came through the window and exploded

I think it was a jihaddy longlegs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mkopf/i_was_in_the_kitchen_when_a_flying_insect_came/
%
If i had a dollar for every gender,

I would have $2 and a pile of counterfeit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mko4r/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
What does a necrophiliac get when he wakes up at the morgue? NSFW

Mourning wood.
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mkl5f/what_does_a_necrophiliac_get_when_he_wakes_up_at/
%
My girlfriend left me because of my low self esteem

I probably deserved it, though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mkkso/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_of_my_low_self/
%
Why is the ocean so salty?

Probably because the land doesn't wave back.
Credit: local radio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mk3o0/why_is_the_ocean_so_salty/
%
A man walks into a pub

and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mk10o/a_man_walks_into_a_pub/
%
Me and my friend robbed a chemical plant last night.

We stole all their Alkaline.
Now all their base are belong to us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mk05k/me_and_my_friend_robbed_a_chemical_plant_last/
%
Childless man continues to tell "dad jokes"

he was a Faux Pas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mjzls/childless_man_continues_to_tell_dad_jokes/
%
Have you heard of Murphy's Law? It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Have you heard of Coles Law?

It's thinly sliced cabbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mjz8z/have_you_heard_of_murphys_law_it_states_that/
%
There aren't many puns about electricity

I'd be shocked if I thought of one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mjywm/there_arent_many_puns_about_electricity/
%
Why don't birds study for tests?

They like to wing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mjyrl/why_dont_birds_study_for_tests/
%
My girlfriend just broke up with me through reddit. Here's the last message she sent me

there doesn't seem to be anything here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mjvns/my_girlfriend_just_broke_up_with_me_through/
%
A lot of people keep saying to me Trump cheated the election.

Well, honestly we shouldn't be Russian to collusion's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mjufl/a_lot_of_people_keep_saying_to_me_trump_cheated/
%
May I take your order

A divorced father takes his 2 boys, age 5 and 8 to a restaurant to get lunch one day. The waitress comes to take their order, and starts with the 5 year old. When she asks the 5 year old what he'll have, he says "I'll have a goddamn cheeseburger"
When the dad hears that, he reaches across the table and smacks the boy so hard he falls off his seat, onto the ground and starts crying. The waitress is shocked and doesn't know what to do, so she just turns her attention to the 8 year old, and asks what he'll be having. The 8 year old replies " you can bet your sweet fuckin ass I ain't gettin no goddamn cheeseburger!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mjmrt/may_i_take_your_order/
%
Ten years ago I was in elementary school.

I was uncircumcised and a kid noticed while in the bathroom. Later that day, a group of children wanted to see it for themselves, so I pulled it out and showed them. One of them said my pee pee was different and wanted to touch it. Thought "why not?" and they began pulling back my foreskin and touching the head. It felt so nice, I was in bliss. My pee pee began to get bigger and one of the girls started screaming. The Dean came in and quickly took everyone away and began to yell at me. Eventually parents were informed about the case.
That was the end of my teaching career.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mjltt/ten_years_ago_i_was_in_elementary_school/
%
My dad bought a $1,400 drone the other day.

He said to me, "If this thing crashes, you'll see a *drone* man cry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mjkof/my_dad_bought_a_1400_drone_the_other_day/
%
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't even know Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mjiqv/im_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
Damn girl, are you a newspaper?

Cuz there's a new issue with you every fucking day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mjie1/damn_girl_are_you_a_newspaper/
%
I hate when political candidates put their signs up in my front yard..

Who the hell is Foreclosure?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mj7lw/i_hate_when_political_candidates_put_their_signs/
%
5 penguins in the back seat

Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat. Attendant says, "wtf - you have 5 penguins in your back seat."
"I KNOW!" the guy says, "They jumped in at the light, and now I don't know what to do."
Attendant thinks for a second and says, "I'll tell you what I'd do - I'd take them to the zoo."
"That's a great idea!" says the driver.
A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they're wearing sunglasses.
"What are you doing - I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" exclaims the attendant.
"We did go! We had a great time! Today we're going to the beach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mj140/5_penguins_in_the_back_seat/
%
I went to my dentist today and he asked when was thr last time I flossed

I was confused because I remember he was there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mizkd/i_went_to_my_dentist_today_and_he_asked_when_was/
%
What do you get when two antenna get married?

A crappy wedding but great reception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6miyto/what_do_you_get_when_two_antenna_get_married/
%
I wrote a whole book that was a palindrome

The second half made no sense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mivtg/i_wrote_a_whole_book_that_was_a_palindrome/
%
A panda walks into a restaurant

, sits down and orders a sandwich. He
eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the
panda stands up to go, the manager shouts,
"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay
for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager,
"Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda:
"A tree dwelling placental mammal of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mivas/a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N," she answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6miucb/there_was_a_blonde_who_just_got_sick_and_tired_of/
%
My girlfriend suggested we get soundproof walls fitted in our bedroom.

It will stop the neighbours complaining about our snoring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mis37/my_girlfriend_suggested_we_get_soundproof_walls/
%
A man assaulted me with milk creme and butter

How dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mir1s/a_man_assaulted_me_with_milk_creme_and_butter/
%
Today I put a home pregnancy test in the shopping basket of a teenage girl & her mom at Target.

I'm a terrible person. I should have offered to pay after they finished slut shaming each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mijwf/today_i_put_a_home_pregnancy_test_in_the_shopping/
%
As a guitarist, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mihwc/as_a_guitarist_i_play_many_gigs/
%
A Man Goes to the Doctor...

A man goes to the doctor when the doctor says, "I have some good news, and some bad news."
The man says, "Tell me the good news first."
The doctor replies, "Well, there's going to be a disease named after you..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6micmp/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What's the national bird of Iraq?

Duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mibpd/whats_the_national_bird_of_iraq/
%
God is funny

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mi9sa/god_is_funny/
%
I got kicked out of the grocery store while trying to pay with a debit card.

The terminal instruction read "strip down, facing cashier".
I locked eyes for dominance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mi9ma/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_grocery_store_while/
%
I really wish they'd taught sex in schools.

My chemistry teacher didn't have a fucking clue what he was doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mi8k0/i_really_wish_theyd_taught_sex_in_schools/
%
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes

Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mi8jb/its_foolish_for_humans_to_try_and_take_back_the/
%
I used to date a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept asking if that chair was taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mi7uj/i_used_to_date_a_girl_in_a_wheelchair/
%
NSFW what is it called when you put a tic tac into a woman's butt?

Her-ass-mint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mi6pe/nsfw_what_is_it_called_when_you_put_a_tic_tac/
%
How do Japanese Chihuahuas say hello?

Konichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mi03t/how_do_japanese_chihuahuas_say_hello/
%
What do you call a cow having a seizure?

Beef jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mhx4q/what_do_you_call_a_cow_having_a_seizure/
%
What do you call a lady pirate with one leg?

Peggy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mhwrx/what_do_you_call_a_lady_pirate_with_one_leg/
%
What was the name of that white girl’s Collie who went on all those adventures in Ethiopia between 1930 and 1974?

Haley's Lassie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mhucf/what_was_the_name_of_that_white_girls_collie_who/
%
A guy was sitting under the tree in my front yard too long, so I called the cops

sitting under the tree that long, its GOT to be shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mhu51/a_guy_was_sitting_under_the_tree_in_my_front_yard/
%
What do Sea Monsters eat?

Fish & Ships

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mhoz1/what_do_sea_monsters_eat/
%
What do you call a Fat Psychic?

A four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mhou0/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
The Catholic church is considering going all-in on gluten-free wafers

At risk is cross-contamination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mhkpf/the_catholic_church_is_considering_going_allin_on/
%
What does a Muslim meme lord call his naughty girlfriend?

Haram bae.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mhkf4/what_does_a_muslim_meme_lord_call_his_naughty/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mhgbs/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_killer/
%
I tripped on a bra in my sister's room

It was a booby trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mhf7f/i_tripped_on_a_bra_in_my_sisters_room/
%
Hey when ISIS is gone do we call them.....

WASWAS then?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mhck8/hey_when_isis_is_gone_do_we_call_them/
%
Which Goddess is 3.37 feet tall?

Demeter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mhap1/which_goddess_is_337_feet_tall/
%
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mh96o/a_male_whale_and_a_female_whale_were_swimming_off/
%
Which building in New York has the most stories?

The public library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mh8pk/which_building_in_new_york_has_the_most_stories/
%
What do you call a homeless monkey in the woodwind part of an orchestra?

The oboe bonobo hobo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mh5xs/what_do_you_call_a_homeless_monkey_in_the/
%
Rattlesnakes and Condoms

Two things I don't fuck with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mh38f/rattlesnakes_and_condoms/
%
What do you get when you microwave a monkey?

Rhesus pieces.
I'll let myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mgyws/what_do_you_get_when_you_microwave_a_monkey/
%
The most popular sexual position when you're married is...

Doggy Style,  the man begs while the woman plays dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mgwo8/the_most_popular_sexual_position_when_youre/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

He asks the bartender, "what's up with that?"
The bartender replies, "if you can jump up and touch the meat, your drinks are free for the rest of the night. But if you miss, you have to pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. Wanna try?"
The guy says, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mgt77/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_three_pieces_of/
%
How do you confuse an Irish Man?

Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mgsyv/how_do_you_confuse_an_irish_man/
%
What do you call a cow with two legs?

Irene.
There's no joke here, I just hate that bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mgq42/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_two_legs/
%
"You know that the clock fell down yesterday?", says a woman to her husband.

"If it fell only two minutes earlier, it would have fallen on my mother's head! Like really, she could have been dead!"
The man responds,"I always said the damn thing was  slow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mglr0/you_know_that_the_clock_fell_down_yesterday_says/
%
Why don't Ethiopians ever take medicine?

The package says, "take in after eating".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mggju/why_dont_ethiopians_ever_take_medicine/
%
An Asian girl's last name was China...

It was her made-in name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mgaxw/an_asian_girls_last_name_was_china/
%
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They sat down in the lobby and started discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mg8f0/a_group_of_chess_enthusiasts_checked_into_a_hotel/
%
What do you call a BDSM enthusiast who lost her equipment?

A Ropeless Homantic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mg484/what_do_you_call_a_bdsm_enthusiast_who_lost_her/
%
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy

, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mg0uj/a_nice_calm_and_respectable_lady_went_into_the/
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What do you call an Atheist who loves Indian food?

A NAAN believer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mfzfj/what_do_you_call_an_atheist_who_loves_indian_food/
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Pennsylvania and New Jersey changed their state mottos today in order to cut their highway budgets.

Now they both proudly display "Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays" on their welcome signs to better reflect the status of their roadways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mfz5e/pennsylvania_and_new_jersey_changed_their_state/
%
On a scale from one to ten

is a bad way to spend nine hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mfou6/on_a_scale_from_one_to_ten/
%
German lorry driver sat in Liverpool bar mouthing off about how lazy the British are...

He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days.
Drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'Fuck off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in Hamburg and make it back to Liverpool the same day!'
German man, gives a sarcastic laugh and replies 'Oh yeah old man, what rig were you driving?'
Old fella replies 'a fucking Lancaster Bomber!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mfnrb/german_lorry_driver_sat_in_liverpool_bar_mouthing/
%
Did you hear about the guy who put toy horses in his butt?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mfbpo/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_put_toy_horses_in/
%
Maybe if I fall in love with my anxiety

it'll leave me too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mf9g5/maybe_if_i_fall_in_love_with_my_anxiety/
%
I told my friends that I only pooped twice last week and they said it wasn't healthy...

but I don't give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mf9g4/i_told_my_friends_that_i_only_pooped_twice_last/
%
The President's son, son-in-law, campaign manager, and a Russian lawyer walk into a bar…

finish that one for me, will ya

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mf5yu/the_presidents_son_soninlaw_campaign_manager_and/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mf4mh/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
How does an octopus go into battle?

Well-**armed**.
^^Not ^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mey90/how_does_an_octopus_go_into_battle/
%
Two men are in a pub.

'So, tell me about your new girlfriend.'
'She's great. She's so quick. Nothing gets past her.'
'She sounds like a keeper.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mewhf/two_men_are_in_a_pub/
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Break a mirror, 7 years of bad luck.

Break a condom, your bad luck will probably outlive you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mew7s/break_a_mirror_7_years_of_bad_luck/
%
Two ISIS fighters making a letter bomb

Abdul and Saddam sitting making letter bombs, Abdul says, "Saddam, do you think I've put enough explosive in this envelope?" "I don't know" says Saddam "open it and see". "But it'll explode" says Abdul. "Don't be so fucking' stupid" says Saddam "it's not addressed to you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mevn3/two_isis_fighters_making_a_letter_bomb/
%
I told the doctor I want to take my amputated leg home and he asked why

"Because it's my right"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6meu0h/i_told_the_doctor_i_want_to_take_my_amputated_leg/
%
A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
Nope. Unintended.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
The broom swept the nation away.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.
I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.
What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
Sausage puns are the wurst.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.
What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.
Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.
Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.
Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.
Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.
What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.
What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.
What do you call a spanish pig? Porque.
What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.
Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.
A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.
How do trees access the internet? They log on.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6metfd/a_list_of_puns/
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You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you’re going to pay.

You have my word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mequy/you_stole_my_microsoft_office_and_for_that_youre/
%
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

But only a fraction of people will get this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mepjh/theres_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
%
When do you start on red and stop on green?

When you're eating a watermelon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mennc/when_do_you_start_on_red_and_stop_on_green/
%
The Pool Ball Incident

A guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey. The monkey begins running around and jumps onto a pool table and swallows one of the pool balls whole. The bartender/owner sees this just as it is happening. Furious he makes the man and his monkey leave.
A few weeks later, the same man and his monkey walk into the same bar. The bartender, not paying attention as he is talking with one of his regulars, sees the monkey just as it jumps onto the bar, takes a peanut out of the bowl, inserts it into its behind, pulls it back out, then eats it.
The bartender, angry yet curious, again tells the man to leave. As the man is leaving, the bartender asks the man, "Hey buddy, why did your monkey do that with the peanut?"
The man replied, "Well, ever since he passed that pool ball, he measures everything before he eats it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6men2d/the_pool_ball_incident/
%
My neighbor is stalking me!

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6meljl/my_neighbor_is_stalking_me/
%
One night, Mrs. McMillen answered the door to see her husbands bestfriend Paddy standing on the doorstep.....

"Hello Paddy, where is my husband? He went with you to the Guinness factory."
Paddy shook his head and said "Ah Mrs. McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drown."
Mrs.McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head no, then says "Not really, he got out 3 times to pee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mecqi/one_night_mrs_mcmillen_answered_the_door_to_see/
%
Why did the melons have a small wedding?

Because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6me7hc/why_did_the_melons_have_a_small_wedding/
%
What did Jaqen H'gar said to Arya after she killed Waif???

Braavos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6me3t7/what_did_jaqen_hgar_said_to_arya_after_she_killed/
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Original Jokes are Like Girlfriends

Barely anyone on Reddit has one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6me3h9/original_jokes_are_like_girlfriends/
%
Son: What does gay mean?

Dad: Gay means hapoy son.
Son: Are you gay dad?
Dad: No son, I have a wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mdyw1/son_what_does_gay_mean/
%
A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar.

And that was just the first guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mdukr/a_priest_a_paedophile_and_a_rapist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Man achieves legendary status in composing music while being DEAF. But who is he?

ClickBeethoven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mdrnf/man_achieves_legendary_status_in_composing_music/
%
How many clowns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

There are clowns and the light is out.
Do you really think anyone is going to stick around to find out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mdppw/how_many_clowns_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Two cannibals sit down to eat

The one ask to the other why he is so sad?
I don't like my mother in law
It's okay, just eat your chips then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mdoq7/two_cannibals_sit_down_to_eat/
%
Where does Trump get his materials for the wall?

WallMart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mdkmj/where_does_trump_get_his_materials_for_the_wall/
%
Joke from my daughter

- "Knock Knock."
- "Who's There?"
- "I Did App."
- "I Did App Who?"
- *Breaks Out Laughing*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mdjc2/joke_from_my_daughter/
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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mdjc0/i_cant_take_my_dog_to_the_pond_anymore_because/
%
Why was the broom late to school?

Because it over swept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mdhcu/why_was_the_broom_late_to_school/
%
Have you heard about the patient Chinese man?

Wae Ting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mdflz/have_you_heard_about_the_patient_chinese_man/
%
What did the plate say to the other plate?

Dinner's on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mdbrd/what_did_the_plate_say_to_the_other_plate/
%
"Son, you were adopted."

"I was?" the son asked.
"Yes." his parents replied. "And they're coming to pick you up any minute now so go pack your bags."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6md8ha/son_you_were_adopted/
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A recent study shows that 9 out of 10 people addicted to brake fluid...

...just can't stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6md820/a_recent_study_shows_that_9_out_of_10_people/
%
If the body of Christ cannot be gluten-free...

Then I guess He is risen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6md81f/if_the_body_of_christ_cannot_be_glutenfree/
%
What do me and Subway have in common?

We both lie about it being six inches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6md6gq/what_do_me_and_subway_have_in_common/
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3 Dwarves.....

2 nuns are walking down the street when they come across 3 of the 7 dwarves in an argument
"Did Too"
"DID NOT"
"Did Too"
"DID NOT"
After a moment, the dwarves notice the sisters and approach them
"Excuse me Sisters, do you know if there happen to be any dwarven nuns?"
A bit taken aback, the nuns look at each other before replying "No, not that we are aware of.  Lets go ask Mother Superior"
As they journey to the convent, the dwarves go back to the "DID NOT"  "Did too" argument, all the way to the convent.
Upon reaching the Convent, the dwarves cease arguing, but the two keep shooting the third wry smiles and knowing grins.
Upon hearing their question, Mother Superior states that no, in all her years she has never heard of a dwarven nun.  Further research into church history and records show the same, not a single dwarven nun to be found.
The three thank the sisters for their time and walk out the door.  The Nuns look at each other bewildered, and before they can do more than start for the door to ask why, they hear two of the dwarves cry out in loud voices "DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN, DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6md453/3_dwarves/
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A repost walks into a bar...

The bartender looks at him and says "you again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6md3q4/a_repost_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A family is on a nudist beach for the first time

**The kid asks his dad:** "Why do some guys have a small one and others a big one?"
**His dad:** "Well you see, the less you have down there, the more you have in your head. The more you have down there, the less you have in your head.
***15 minutes pass***
**Kid:** Look dad! The more that guy is looking at mom, the dumber he gets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6md35j/a_family_is_on_a_nudist_beach_for_the_first_time/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6md2kg/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
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To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero...

Thanks for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mczw5/to_the_mathematicians_who_thought_of_the_idea_of/
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Why does the Italian Navy have glass bottom boats?

To see the old Italian Navy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mczc2/why_does_the_italian_navy_have_glass_bottom_boats/
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Jewish Grandpa

A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still call him 'Doctor'!"
"And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'the Fucking Jew'.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcyof/jewish_grandpa/
%
A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.
Dead-pan, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcxls/a_teenage_girl_had_just_been_given_familycar/
%
Hugh Hefner successfully stopped a group of priests from operating a business on his property.

The police forced them to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy Mansion, where they had been selling flowers.
When asked to comment on the matter, one of the priests said, 'Well, if it was anyone else, we may have gotten away with it.  Only Hugh can prevent florist Friars'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcxh7/hugh_hefner_successfully_stopped_a_group_of/
%
Little Timmy asks his mom if he can lick the bowl this time...

“No, you retard! Just flush like a normal person!”
(Wow! This is crazy. This was just a shitty joke I read in captain underpants 8y ago. The most I’ve ever gotten is 75 upvotes. Thank you soooo much!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcw2d/little_timmy_asks_his_mom_if_he_can_lick_the_bowl/
%
What language did the Viking secret service use to communicate in secret?

Norse code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcuxk/what_language_did_the_viking_secret_service_use/
%
Three men stand at the gates of Heaven...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcsqc/three_men_stand_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
%
Pedro is sitting in a sauna with two other men...

...when suddenly, a jingle goes off.
One of the guys make a telephone symbol with his hand, brings his hand up to his ear, then begins a conversation directly into it.
When he's finished, Pedro says, "whoa man, what was that?!"
"Ah, that's the newest technology," replied the man. "I make and receive calls with only my hand!"
Another jingle goes off and the second guy proceeds to do the same thing--answer a call on his hand.
Pedro is amazed! He's never seen anything like it! But he's also embarrassed for not having the same new gadget.
Fortunately, Pedro gets an idea...
Pedro excuses himself to the bathroom, puts a long sheet of toilet paper between his butt, then goes back to the sauna.
The other two men look at him strangely, then at each other, then back at Pedro until one of them says, "Bro, you left some toilet paper coming out of your butt."
Pedro casually looks at his behind, then exclaims, "Oh! I'm just receiving a fax!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcnvg/pedro_is_sitting_in_a_sauna_with_two_other_men/
%
I really hate cheating on my wife...

But life won't stop fucking me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcmdc/i_really_hate_cheating_on_my_wife/
%
When a girl sleeps with girls in college, she's "experimenting"

When I do it, I'm "fired" and "a terrible dorm janitor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mclvd/when_a_girl_sleeps_with_girls_in_college_shes/
%
Someone asked me to describe myself in 3 words

Not good at following instructions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mckyh/someone_asked_me_to_describe_myself_in_3_words/
%
A eye for a eye makes the whole world,,,

Pirates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcifr/a_eye_for_a_eye_makes_the_whole_world/
%
Two blondes are trying to unlock a car....

The first blonde suggests picking it with a clothes hanger. As she struggles to unlock it the other blonde panicks and exclaims,"Hurry up the top is down and it's starting to rain!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcie6/two_blondes_are_trying_to_unlock_a_car/
%
the dutchess invited the whole royalty for tea at the palace.

When everyone got there, the duchess suggested to play "Solve the riddle", a game at which, she claimed, she was very good at.
Before starting, the duchess looked outside the window and saw her daughter riding her favourite mare
"I've got one", she said. "It's big and shaky, and girls often ride one"
"A DICK!", shouted one of the guests.
"Dear Lord, how extremely rude of you", said the duchess. "Perkins, please bring the Count's cape and bowler, he is leaving immediately!"
The rest of the guests asked the duchess to forgive the Count. After some considerations, she decides to give him another opportunity.
"oh, well... let's try another one" she said.
Noticing a lady guest playing with her ring, she goes "It is shiny and round and fits the ladies like a glove"
"A DICK!!", shouted the same guest.
"Dear Lord, this is unforgiveable! Perkins, please bring his cape and bowler, the Count is leaving right now!"
"I'm sorry, my lady" said the Count, while the other guests begged her to forgive him, "I promise it will not happen again"
After some time, she agreed. "But it will be your last opportunity," she said to the Count.
The duchess sees one of her guests dipping a toast in his tea, and begins her third riddle "it goes in dry, it comes out wet and dripping"
"Perkins, bring my cape and bowler, THAT's a fucking dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcf9z/the_dutchess_invited_the_whole_royalty_for_tea_at/
%
My wife's favorite song is "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers. She says so every time it's on the radio.

I reply "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mce9v/my_wifes_favorite_song_is_aint_no_sunshine_by/
%
ISIS has reportedly starting putting bombs in cans of alphabet soup

If any go off, it could spell disaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcdu0/isis_has_reportedly_starting_putting_bombs_in/
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A King asks two guards to protect his beautiful daughter's virginity...

Unbeknownst to the guards, the king put a trap in his daughter's nether regions.
The next day, the king summons the guards and one showed up with mangled genitals. The King had him executed for making attempts on his daughter.
The other guard, with his manhood intact was offered a promotion for upholding abstinence, to which he replied "hnnnggg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcdov/a_king_asks_two_guards_to_protect_his_beautiful/
%
9/10 redditors are stupid

I'm glad to be the 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcb5j/910_redditors_are_stupid/
%
What do Mahatma Gandhi and Mary Poppins have in common?

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mcabi/what_do_mahatma_gandhi_and_mary_poppins_have_in/
%
What do you call the children of the corns father?

Pop corn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mc8u4/what_do_you_call_the_children_of_the_corns_father/
%
A Jewish man was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader: "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.
So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is much better!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mc2c1/a_jewish_man_was_riding_on_the_subway_reading_an/
%
You know you've hit rock bottom when...

It's better to tell your wife you're watching porn then watching my little pony...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mbtpz/you_know_youve_hit_rock_bottom_when/
%
I don't understand why society is so against gang rape.

I mean statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mbqxu/i_dont_understand_why_society_is_so_against_gang/
%
Bill and Hillary are now married for 40 years

. When they first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed.
“However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Hillary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years.”
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “Why do you have all that money in the box?”
Bill answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mbl0k/bill_and_hillary_are_now_married_for_40_years/
%
A joke my dad just stole from Good Will Hunting

So this guy is on a plane. And the captain comes over the loudspeaker and gives his usual "We'll be cruising at 10,000 feet" thing and then they take off. But what the captain doesn't realize is that he left his mic on. And he leans back in his chair, looks over at the co-pilot and says "You know, all I could really go for right now is a blowjob and a cup of coffee". Naturally, all the passengers are stunned and shocked at hearing this. But then, one of the stewardesses goes storming up the aisle as fast as she can to the cabin. Then the guy leans out from his seat and says "Hey hon. Don't forget the coffee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mbk78/a_joke_my_dad_just_stole_from_good_will_hunting/
%
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mbjnf/i_used_to_steal_mitch_hedberg_jokes/
%
I once admitted to my wife that she'd hurt my feeling.

She said: "Which one? Horny or Hungry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mbgsf/i_once_admitted_to_my_wife_that_shed_hurt_my/
%
An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11

He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.
"Are you sure?" The cashier says.
"I don't like change." the man replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mbfry/an_emotionally_unstable_man_walks_into_a_711/
%
I hate playing Uno with Mexicans.

They take all the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mbcyr/i_hate_playing_uno_with_mexicans/
%
Bob and Frank are out golfing one day

And Bob hits his ball straight into the woods. Bob goes looking for it and finds it nestled in a patch of buttercups. Bob decides "Heck, I'm just going to play on through." After a few swings, Bob finally hits the ball back on the fairway but he has destroyed the buttercups. As he is walking away, a little old lady pops up out of nowhere and begins to scold him.
"I'm Mother Nature and do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?! Just for that you will never get to use butter ever again!" And poof, in a flash, she was gone.
Bob just shrugged it off and went to find his buddy. Bob begins to yell for his friend.
"Frank, where are you?"
Frank yells back "I'm in the pussy willows!"
Bob yells "for the love of god don't swing! For the love of god don't swing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mbcpp/bob_and_frank_are_out_golfing_one_day/
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What's the difference between a cow and a Soviet grocery store?

A cow has milk in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mbaub/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_a_soviet/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.

The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he gets on a small platform. "Can you all see me now?" He asks them.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mbafw/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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What can Donald Trump and I both agree on?

That if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I would date her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mb9l9/what_can_donald_trump_and_i_both_agree_on/
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mb7uo/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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Why do you never see any Asian soccer players?

Because when they get a corner they build a shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mb6w5/why_do_you_never_see_any_asian_soccer_players/
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Old joke that never gets old

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:
A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.
The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz that ladies have in certain places, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good."
On his turn, the knight asks "Lady, answer me without deceit. Is there hair between your legs?" When she replies, "none at all", he comments, "Indeed I do believe you, for grass does not grow on a well-beaten path."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mb5nq/old_joke_that_never_gets_old/
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A woman is sitting in a park one day, watching two men work.

The first man digs a hole, and then the second man fills it back in. Then the first man digs another hole, and again, the second man fills it back up. They keep doing this over and over again. Finally, the women asks them, “Why do you keep digging holes and filling them back in?” One of the guys replies, “Well, usually there’s a third guy here who puts in the tree, but he’s out sick today.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mb3q6/a_woman_is_sitting_in_a_park_one_day_watching_two/
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Scientists have just announced today that dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels.

So that pushes women down to third place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mb1b8/scientists_have_just_announced_today_that/
%
So Trump is working with Putin on cybersecurity...

In other news, the principal at my school is working with the boys to install a surveillance system to insure privacy in the girls' locker room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mayen/so_trump_is_working_with_putin_on_cybersecurity/
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Did you hear about the school that burned down in Beijing, China?

25 children died. It was truly tragic.
And the worst part is, they all got out of the building fine, but they just ran around it and then darted back inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6maxvr/did_you_hear_about_the_school_that_burned_down_in/
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Guy comes back the next day after seeing a 5$ hooker. "I have crabs"

It was 5$ did you expect lobster?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mawnt/guy_comes_back_the_next_day_after_seeing_a_5/
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I think my wife is rehearsing for an Opera

Every time she opens her mouth, all I hear is Me, Me, Me, Me, Me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mava9/i_think_my_wife_is_rehearsing_for_an_opera/
%
"What do we want!?" "TIME TRAVEL!!"

"When do we want it?!"
"IT'S IRRELEVANT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mas7c/what_do_we_want_time_travel/
%
If I had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive...

...they would eventually find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mar68/if_i_had_1_for_every_girl_that_didnt_find_me/
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I tell dad jokes even though I'm not a dad...

I'm a faux pa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6maqnw/i_tell_dad_jokes_even_though_im_not_a_dad/
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How many Feminist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter, they can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6maphg/how_many_feminist_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A woman went to a pet shop...

... and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said, $50, shock seemed silly inexpensive.
"Why do little?" She asked the pet shop owner. The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first hand that this bird used to live in a brothel and can say some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the birds cage up and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room for a moment, then at her and said," New house new madam." The woman was a little shocked at first at the implication, but thought to herself, that wasn't too bad. It's kind of amusing actually.
When her two teenage daughters returned home from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." Again, the woman and the daughters were taken aback for a moment and later laughed about the situation considering where the bird had lived.
A few moments later, the woman's husband comes home from work. The bird looks at him and says, "Hi Jack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mapfi/a_woman_went_to_a_pet_shop/
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A guy was once born with 5 penises

His underwear fits him like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mamxv/a_guy_was_once_born_with_5_penises/
%
Chicken pot pie.

My 3 favorite things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mama1/chicken_pot_pie/
%
I'll never forget my Grandfather's last words..

"Quit playing with that shotgun you little shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mah4x/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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What happens when you hire a bad HR recruiter?

You hire another one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6magt5/what_happens_when_you_hire_a_bad_hr_recruiter/
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Double standards are weird. If a girl sleeps with a lot of guys,everyone calls her a slut.

But if a guy does the exact same thing, everybody calls him a gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6maey3/double_standards_are_weird_if_a_girl_sleeps_with/
%
TIL Gordon Ramsay had accidentally conceived a child while he was in high school.

He was fucking raw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6maclo/til_gordon_ramsay_had_accidentally_conceived_a/
%
Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel.

She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6maaue/caitlin_jenner_just_signed_a_deal_with_marvel/
%
Study shows...

80%of married man cannot fall a sleep after sex. Because they still have to drive home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ma9zt/study_shows/
%
A bullet does its job...

After it's fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ma81m/a_bullet_does_its_job/
%
If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a day.

If you set a man on fire he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ma5f9/if_you_build_a_man_a_fire_he_will_be_warm_for_a/
%
My girlfriend of two years just left me.

Turns out the police didn't exactly approve of our relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ma51k/my_girlfriend_of_two_years_just_left_me/
%
Last week, I took a Dallas Cowboys jersey away from my 2-year-old nephew.

It was a choking hazard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ma3ox/last_week_i_took_a_dallas_cowboys_jersey_away/
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There were two white Christian men, Adam and Jack,

whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then Adam said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are muslim.'' Then Jack said ''No way, I won't say I'm muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.
So Adam and Jack went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.
Adam thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammed'. And Jack said 'My name is Jack'.
The Arab man said 'Hello Jack.' And told these other men to take Jack and give him food and drink.
Then he turned to Adam and said, 'Salaam Muhammed. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadhan)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ma0vh/there_were_two_white_christian_men_adam_and_jack/
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I have sex almost everyday...

... Almost had sex on monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday I almost had sex...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ma0hi/i_have_sex_almost_everyday/
%
A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer.

He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey old timer, why the long face?"
The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me McGregor the dockbuilder? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see that ship out there? I've been fishing these waters for my village for 35 years! But do they call me McGregor the fisherman? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see all the crops in the farms out there? I planted and have been farming those crops for my village for nearly 45 years! But do they call me McGregor the farmer? No, no."
The old man starts to cry again, "But put your cock in one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9ytw/a_young_man_is_walking_through_a_small_village/
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What do you call a man from Calcutta who's seen it all?

Bhinder Dundat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9ued/what_do_you_call_a_man_from_calcutta_whos_seen_it/
%
If God had wanted us to fly...

... the airports would be closer to the cities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9tc8/if_god_had_wanted_us_to_fly/
%
A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks:

"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9q1c/a_man_is_washing_his_car_with_his_son_the_son_asks/
%
Dick decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife

As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her tits and says "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs. The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." and again laughs and laughs, while she plots her revenge. The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabs his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9pi4/dick_decides_hes_going_to_play_a_little_joke_on/
%
Told to me by my Muslim father

A Sheikh is sleeping with one of the women in his harem, when she says, "Sheikh, could you put it in my mouth?"
The Sheikh denies, saying "I cannot, for your mouth is where 'Allahu Akbar' comes from".
She nods, understanding.
A little bit later she says, "Sheikh, could you put it between by breasts?"
Again the Sheikh says "No, your breasts feed the future generation of Muslims".
She remains silent.
After a few moments, frustrated, she asks, "Sheikh, could you even put it in my ear?"
The Sheikh replies "No, your ears hear the call to prayer"
The woman says "Sheikh, you can put it anywhere, but please take it out of my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9o3e/told_to_me_by_my_muslim_father/
%
TIL my mother named me after her favourite hobby

My name is Heroin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9ncl/til_my_mother_named_me_after_her_favourite_hobby/
%
Three couples decided to join an exclusive church...

The first couple was married for 10 years, the second was married for 5 years, and the third we're newlyweds.
The three couples came before the priest and asked to join the congregation. The priest replied "As you know this is a very exclusive church, and we can't let just anyone join. In order to become a member you must pass a test to prove you're worthy. To join you must forego sex for a month." The couples agree to the terms and go their separate ways.
After a month the couples return to the church and stand before the priest. "How did you do on your trial?" He asks the couple married for 10 years. "We did fine," they replied. "We've been together so long that not having sex was easy."
"Brother and sister, welcome to the congregation," he says. He then turns to couple married for 5 years and asks them "How did you do on your trial?"
"We did ok," they replied. "There were a couple of tough spots here and there, but we held out and refrained from sex"
"Welcome to the congregation brother and sister," the priest say. He then turns to the newlyweds and asks "How did you do on your trial?"
The couple is sheepishly silent for a minute and then finally the husband speaks up. "Father, it was hard but we did really well. Right up to the last day. My wife was handling some potatoes and dropped one. When she bent down to pick it... And that ass... Well, I just had to have her right there and then. We made the hottest and most passionate love we ever had in our relationship. She even let me put it in her butt for the first time! I'm sorry father, but we failed."
"That's digusting!" The priest says. "Why would you do that? You have to leave and never come back!"
The wife finally spoke up and said "That's exactly what they said to us at Whole Foods."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9m5a/three_couples_decided_to_join_an_exclusive_church/
%
A frog is arrested for murder...

Mr. Frog was arrested and sentenced to 30 years for murder. For 30 years he was stuck in a small cell. His interaction with the outside world was the guards and all these flies that would swarm through his cell window.
Every day the guards would check on Mr. Frog and bring him fresh water. The guards were always amazed that the frogs only activity was gulpng these flies but he always had a huge frog grin throughout the decades.
Finally, it was time for Mr. Frog to be released. He hopped back to his old pond and encountered an old acquaintance.
"You're out! Was your time locked up hard and boring?"
"No," replied Mr. Frog, "time is fun when you're having flies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9m1h/a_frog_is_arrested_for_murder/
%
What's the difference between a paratrooper and a paragraph?

One paratrooper is enough to satisfy your English teacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9je2/whats_the_difference_between_a_paratrooper_and_a/
%
How do you confuse a gay person?

seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9ibx/how_do_you_confuse_a_gay_person/
%
What does an ISIS member use for sex?

A blow-up doll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9emh/what_does_an_isis_member_use_for_sex/
%
My cousin just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but this is ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9dzq/my_cousin_just_updated_his_status_to_i_love_my/
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I have recently become a new man

I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9c8f/i_have_recently_become_a_new_man/
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What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

a receding hare line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9bqf/what_do_you_call_100_rabbits_walking_backwards/
%
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m9abc/why_do_swedish_warships_have_barcodes_on_them/
%
I hate the reasons girls come up with to avoid sex

"I'm tired, I've had a long day, I have a headache, I'm your sister"....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m95o7/i_hate_the_reasons_girls_come_up_with_to_avoid_sex/
%
Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m94fn/boobs_vs_willies/
%
A tragic story: two peanuts walked into an alley.

One was a salted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m948w/a_tragic_story_two_peanuts_walked_into_an_alley/
%
I don't know what's the big deal about bidets.

The sink's been right there the whole time and you barely have to hop up at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m93du/i_dont_know_whats_the_big_deal_about_bidets/
%
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m8zds/what_gets_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
%
A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m8ycj/a_mathematician_couldnt_remember_if_he_had_been/
%
That's a nice ham you got there.

It'd be a shame if someone put an "s" before it and an "e" after it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m8xi2/thats_a_nice_ham_you_got_there/
%
I made a dozen girls instantly wet yesterday because of my physique

no one can beat me at doing a cannonball in the pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m8w47/i_made_a_dozen_girls_instantly_wet_yesterday/
%
My friend David had his ID stolen recently...

So now we just call him Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m8qzv/my_friend_david_had_his_id_stolen_recently/
%
Went to the library and asked where the self-help books were.

Librarian refused to tell me. She said it would be defeating the purpose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m8i6t/went_to_the_library_and_asked_where_the_selfhelp/
%
A man walks into the police station.

Man: I saw your flier outside.
Officer: The "wanted for murder" flier?
Man: Yes, and I'd like to apply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m8hk7/a_man_walks_into_the_police_station/
%
Curiosity may have killed the cat

But I just want to know how the fuck it got to Mars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m8fmx/curiosity_may_have_killed_the_cat/
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I was always told to "think outside the box" and to "color inside the lines."

Now I'm a gay racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m8fgf/i_was_always_told_to_think_outside_the_box_and_to/
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Bad luck

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck.
*condom walks in laughing*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m8f2h/bad_luck/
%
World's most masculine name:

Guy Chapman
(It literally means "Man Manman")

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m8b97/worlds_most_masculine_name/
%
Never give up on your dreams...

Stay in bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m81k8/never_give_up_on_your_dreams/
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[NSFW] An Italian woman, a USA woman and an Irish woman are talking about sex

**Italian Woman**: *I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Mario, your balls are so hot!"*
**USA Woman**: *And so what? Does it work?*
**Italian Woman**: *If it works? My husband gets so horny and excited when i tell him that, he fucks me so hard and so good for like ten times in a row! I'm just so happy!*
The USA woman seems very interested in it, and says she'll do that.
The next day the three women meet again.
**USA Woman**: *You won't believe it but your method actually worked wonders! My husband came back home from work and got a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hands and told him "John, you balls are so hot!". He went totally mad and banged me ten times in a row!*
At this point the Irish woman is convinced and decides to try that herself.
The next day the three women meet again. They find the Irish woman in a terrible state. She has two missing teeth, a broken arm, she was just all bruised and battered.
Her two friends asked her what happened.
**Irish Woman**: *I did just what you said. My husband came back home from work, he grabbed his beer and took a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hand, but them were cold. So i told him: "Sean, why your balls are not as hot as Mario's and John's?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m7x4w/nsfw_an_italian_woman_a_usa_woman_and_an_irish/
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A monkey is hanging from a tree eating a banana when a lion walks up.

The monkey thinks to himself: *That’s a big lion, if I fuck this lion up the ass, I’ll be the king of the jungle.*
When the lion’s tail goes up, the monkey jumps down and fucks the lion up the ass. Furious, the lion chases the monkey through the jungle. The monkey dives through a row of trees and comes upon a clearing in the jungle. He sits down on a log, picks up a newspaper and covers his face as if to read it. Moments later, the lion comes through, roaring, “Did anybody see a monkey come in here?” From behind the paper the monkey yells, “The one that fucked the lion up the ass?”
The lion roars back, “Holy shit! It’s in the paper already?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m7u29/a_monkey_is_hanging_from_a_tree_eating_a_banana/
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I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".
"Is that your real name?", she asked.
I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m7td0/i_walked_into_a_bar_and_saw_this_girl_wearing_a/
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Elementary, my dear Doyle

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi in Paris.
.
Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked,
.
"Where can I take you, Sir Arthur?" Doyle was flabbergasted.
He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.
"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before."
.
Then he explained, "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to.
.
The tan on your body tells me you have been on vacation.
The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer.
Your clothing is very English, and not French.
.
Adding up all those pieces of information, it is easy to deduce that you are none other than Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed.
"You are a real-life replica of my fictional character, Sherlock Holmes!"
.
."There is one more thing," the driver said..
"And what is that?" asked Arthur.
"Your Name Tag on your suitcase... sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m7pxb/elementary_my_dear_doyle/
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According to some old myths, Birth marks show where you got killed in your last life

I didn't know getting stabbed in the ass was a way to kill someone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m7h05/according_to_some_old_myths_birth_marks_show/
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This has definitely been posted before but....

I just backed over my neighbors mailbox and I really feel like it needs a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m7fvs/this_has_definitely_been_posted_before_but/
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Two scientists walk into a pub

Two scientists walk into their local pub.
"I'll have H2O" says the first.
"I'll have water too," says the second, "but why are you saying it like that? We're not a work anymore man."
The first scientist excuses himself and goes to the bathroom to inform the motherland his assassination attempt had failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m7efg/two_scientists_walk_into_a_pub/
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"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?"

"I have no idea, Someoneyourownsize"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m7awf/mommy_why_does_everyone_at_school_pick_on_me/
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I like my r/Jokes how I like my coffee

The same damn thing every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m7aqo/i_like_my_rjokes_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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A Higgs boson walks into a church

The priest says, "Sorry, we don't allow Higgs bosons in here"
The Higgs boson says, "But without me, you can't have mass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m78nr/a_higgs_boson_walks_into_a_church/
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I was deeply upset when my wife walked out.

I thought the fire had got her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m7849/i_was_deeply_upset_when_my_wife_walked_out/
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What do you call a black man in a space suit?

An astronaut, you fucking racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m76xj/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_in_a_space_suit/
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Donald Trump has an open position in his cabinet ...

Donald Trump has an open position in his cabinet. There are 3 candidates. A lobbyist, a campaign contributor, and a Mexican. He interviews them one after another.
The lobbyist he asks: What is 1 + 3?
The lobbyist: Puh, that's a hard question, but my cooperation allows me to pay you 50k if its 6.
Trump takes the money can calls in the campaign contributor. Again he asks what is 1 + 3?
The campaign contributor: Puh, I have to admit I never thought about this problem. The popular vote is 4, and my adviser says 5, but just to be sure I say 3. '3' always fairs well in polls.
Finally Trump interviews the Mexican, and this time too he asks what is 1 + 3?
Mexican: Fácil, lo aprendimos en la escuela. Cuatro, hombre.
Now whom did Trump give the job?
[His son-in-law.](#s)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m72wm/donald_trump_has_an_open_position_in_his_cabinet/
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What do you call it when 2 crows are sitting on a tree?

An attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m71ca/what_do_you_call_it_when_2_crows_are_sitting_on_a/
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NSFW wife in a coma

A man and his wife are driving down a country lane when a deer runs in front of them, causing them to swerve and hit a tree. The husband is unharmed in the incident but the woman unfortunately hits her head and enters a coma.
Months roll by and the woman still remains coma stricken, with no sign of a recovery.
The man is overcome with both the grief from missing his wife and the overwhelming anxiety from sexual withdrawal.
One day while feeling particularly miserable about the lack of sex in his life the man decided to try something naughty. He slips his hand under her nightie and cops a feel of one of her breasts. Stoking her nipple the woman stirs slightly and lets out a low moan. The husband jumps up surprised and runs to find the doctor who's looking after his wife. "Doctor I rubbed my wife's nipple and she stirred! Does this mean she could recover?". The doctor rubs his chin for a moment, in a pondering tone replies "well I wouldn't normally recommend this but since she responded to such stimulus perhaps we should push this further. Try oral sex and see if she responds". The man wanders into the room and closes the door.
5 minutes go by and the man wanders out.
"Well, did she come around?" The doctor asks inquisitively.
The man looks down his feet and replies "no doctor. I'm afraid she choked".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m719p/nsfw_wife_in_a_coma/
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A proud father

A man asks a friend to come to his house and listen to his daughter sing.
After she is done singing the proud father looks at his friend and says " well how do you like her what do think of her execution"
His friend looks over at him and says "man, I'm in favor of it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6zem/a_proud_father/
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The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa..." is really stupid

Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6ymz/the_term_every_60_seconds_in_africa_is_really/
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Whats he difference between a camel and a college student?

Camel can go daaaays without drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6x1w/whats_he_difference_between_a_camel_and_a_college/
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An elephant was drinking out of the river one day...

When he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log.
The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?"
The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago."
The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!"
"Yes," said the elephant, proudly. "Turtle recall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6tft/an_elephant_was_drinking_out_of_the_river_one_day/
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How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?

The bull has horns, and the cow is the udder one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6tf6/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_bull_and/
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"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.

"Sure", she responds
"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6r2e/honey_lets_make_this_an_awesome_weekend_shall_we/
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Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?

"Ask your sister"
I don't have a...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6qjt/hey_dad_how_do_you_feel_about_abortion/
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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6myf/which_sexual_position_produces_the_ugliest/
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Wheel of Fortune

Me: I'd like to buy a vowel
Pat: Aren't you a millennial?
Me: *sigh* I'd like to rent a vowel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6jp3/wheel_of_fortune/
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Once upon a time, lived a noble king...

He had a son, which grew up and became a handsome prince.
One day, the king decided to find a suitable bride for his boy. He ordered his subjects to prepare a magnificent
feast and to invite princesses from all over the world.
More than 150 princesses attended the feast. The number was a bit overwhelming so a contest was held. After the
contest ended, top three princesses were chosen. The three princesses were standing in front of the king's throne and in
front of each princess there was a chest full of gold. Then the king said: "Princesses, I give to each one of you
a chest full of gold, do as you please with it. Please return to me after six months!"
After six months the princesses and the chests were again in front of the king. The king asked the first princess:
"What did you do with your gold my child?". The princess said: "Noble king, the gold you gave me, I used to buy lands and animals
and to hire workers. After we sold the production, the gold tripled, so I am returning the chest that you gave me, along with
two more chests full of gold!". Then the king asked the same question to the second princess. The princess said: "Noble king,
I used this gold to travel all over the word. I attended magnificent feasts and learned about different cultures. I went to the
far east and bought for myself beautiful garments, aromas and jewelry. There is a little gold left in the chest and I am returning
it to you." Then the king asked the same question to the third princess. The third princess answered: "Noble king, I could not allow
myself to handle gold which does not belong to me! I am returning you the gold chest untouched." Then the king asked his son: "Well son, which
princess do you choose to be your bride?". The prince said: "Dad may I ask you something in private", "Sure son" - answered the king.
"Daddy, may I marry the one with the big tits?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6gad/once_upon_a_time_lived_a_noble_king/
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I would like to thank my arms

For always being by my side
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me
And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6g5y/i_would_like_to_thank_my_arms/
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I know a guy with nine kids.

This guy couldn't pull out of his own driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6ej0/i_know_a_guy_with_nine_kids/
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A mother is cooking in her kitchen when...

A mother is cooking in her kitchen when she picks up the pot. A genie comes out of the pot and says " You have one whisk, use it wisely"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6dv4/a_mother_is_cooking_in_her_kitchen_when/
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A man walks into a pub and asks the bartender to tell him a story about penises

The bartender says 'Sorry, mate, we don't do cock tales here'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6dsu/a_man_walks_into_a_pub_and_asks_the_bartender_to/
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Friendship...

Is like peeing your pants. Everyone around you can see it but only you can feel the warmth it brings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6cwo/friendship/
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If people went shopping like they do in RPG games, shop owners would be rich

"I'll take 99 boxes of Tylenol, 99 tetanus shots, 99 vials of clear eyes, and what's in that little box over there? screw it -I'll take 99 of them as well."
"Very good sir, may I ask what you will be using these for?"
"Who says I'm gonna use them?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m6c42/if_people_went_shopping_like_they_do_in_rpg_games/
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The best thing about Japanese porn

is that they censor it so you can watch it with your family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m67g9/the_best_thing_about_japanese_porn/
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Why did the Jew jump off the cliff?

He couldn’t resist a free fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m64yi/why_did_the_jew_jump_off_the_cliff/
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I left two Justin Beiber tickets in my car and

some bastard broke in and left two more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m64vg/i_left_two_justin_beiber_tickets_in_my_car_and/
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A man was walking down the street with a long pipe on his shoulder when somebody came up to him and said 'Excuse me, are you a Pole Vaulter?'

He replied, 'No I'm German, but how did you know my name?'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m63mb/a_man_was_walking_down_the_street_with_a_long/
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A man walks into a bar...

...and he stays there my entire childhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m62kp/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What is DJ Khaled's favorite number?

11 - because it has another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m60u6/what_is_dj_khaleds_favorite_number/
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A lady and I once spent our 9th date seeing the dark knight rises

So to summarise our dating life it was like this, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m608j/a_lady_and_i_once_spent_our_9th_date_seeing_the/
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What's the difference between imitation bread and the Canadian prime minister?

One is fake dough, the other is Trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m5vrl/whats_the_difference_between_imitation_bread_and/
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Beat round of Golf

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!"
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care, and you will be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m5p5l/beat_round_of_golf/
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Need an ark?

I Noah guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m5o8m/need_an_ark/
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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m5kar/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbor_at_a_bus_stop/
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Atheism?

It's a non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m5jgm/atheism/
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When God sends help, don't doubt.

She hurried to the pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old motor-cycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said,"Yes, my husband is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m5ili/when_god_sends_help_dont_doubt/
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Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m5hfu/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_down_the_well/
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Nicknames

Three woman who were good friends would meet at the laundromat once a week to talk while washing their clothes. All of the woman were dating men named john, so one week they decided to make up nicknames to call their men so that they could tell them apart.
One of the women says, "let's name our men after soda pop."
the other two agree, thinking it'd be a fun way to tell them apart.
The first one says, "I'm going to call mine coke, because he's dark and popular"
The other two agree.
The second woman says, "Imma call mine Fanta, because he's a redhead and bubbly"
Once again the others agree it's a fitting name.
The third woman finally says, "imma call my man jack daniels"
The other two woman object, "you can't call him jack daniel's, that's a hard liquor!"
The third woman replies, "damn right he is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m5e1e/nicknames/
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God said to Gabriel:

"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"
"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"
"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m5dy5/god_said_to_gabriel/
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Why does donkey Kong brush his teeth?

To prevent tooth DK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m5ci1/why_does_donkey_kong_brush_his_teeth/
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I have the worst luck with women. The last 3 girlfriends broke up with me using he exact same line

"I'm pregnant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m577d/i_have_the_worst_luck_with_women_the_last_3/
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'Houston, we have a problem.

What?
'Nothing.
What's the problem?
'Never-mind.
Please tell us.
'I'm fine.
*first woman on Mars*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m56zb/houston_we_have_a_problem/
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Life's like a dick

Sometimes it becomes hard for no reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m55z7/lifes_like_a_dick/
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A photon checks into a hotel.

The bell hop asks "Do you have any luggage?"
The photon replies "No I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m55je/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m54rl/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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Wanna know how you can make an elephant float?

One elephant, two scoops of ice cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m510a/wanna_know_how_you_can_make_an_elephant_float/
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When he gently removed her bra, she whispered

why were you wearing my bra?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m50wj/when_he_gently_removed_her_bra_she_whispered/
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God finishes creating the man

His angel assistant asks him: "Are we done"?
God says: "Yes. Wait, actually, no. Just add another little toe to his feet."
Assistant: "Why?"
God: "For home furniture."
Assistant: "Furniture?"
God: "Trust me, it's going to be hillarious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4zml/god_finishes_creating_the_man/
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Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage...

...a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large life insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's life insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden camera and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4z6s/tired_of_constantly_being_broke_and_stuck_in_an/
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What do Japanese Pirates do?

Fry Pranes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4xwx/what_do_japanese_pirates_do/
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Horses are very pessimistic

In fact they're the worst neigh-sayers I know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4xcc/horses_are_very_pessimistic/
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How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

Wave at him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4w1b/how_do_you_get_a_onearmed_man_out_of_a_tree/
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What do you call a cow that gets an abortion?

Decaffeinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4vpf/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_gets_an_abortion/
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Three men approach the pearly gates in heaven.

One day, in heaven, three men approached the big pearly gates and were greeted by God.
"Hello, are you the young men from the car crash just now?" He says.
"Yes, and we assume this is heaven?" Answered the first man
"Of course. Now, if you would follow me, we have some business to attend to"
God led them through the gate, and then stopped, just on the inside of the gates. The three men crowded into the gated portion of heaven, and the gate closed.
"What's with the ducks?" Says the second man, reaching forward to pet one.
"Ah, the ducks. Yes, one mustn't touch the ducks" said God.
The 2nd man pulled his hand back, and asked "why can't we touch them?"
God ignored this question, and beckoned the first man over, to stand at his side. The man walks over, and stands by God.
God then says, "do you see the gate all the way across the sea of ducks? Yes. Okay, now go touch it, but do NOT touch a duck"
The man hesitates, and then takes a few steps, over a duck here, over a duck there. Finally, he looses his balance and falls on the ground, touching a few ducks.
"Oh that's too bad" mutters God.
God snaps his fingers, and down comes an angel, with a woman. The first man could not believe his eyes! This was the UGLIEST girl in the worl... heaven.
As quick as a flash, the angel handcuffs the man to the girl, and carries them off.
"Next!"
The second man stands next to God, and prepares himself for the task at hand.
God says the word, and the man starts sprinting, leaping over the ducks and making excellent ground. Unfortunately, an duck flies up, and hits him in the hand.
The same fate for the second man.
Lastly, the third man. Who had been quit and timid the entire time.
He starts his way across the duck filled area. Inch by inch. Taking his time, until finally, he touches the gate at the other side.
"Congratulations, you made it!" Says God.
But before he knew it, an angel appeared, and brought down the most BEAUTIFUL girl this man has ever seen! They say hello, and the girl says, "you made it across?" The man says yes, with pride, and asks, "and you?"
"Oh, i stepped on a duck" she says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4u2z/three_men_approach_the_pearly_gates_in_heaven/
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I asked a girl at the bar if she was game......

She said yes. So I shot her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4twz/i_asked_a_girl_at_the_bar_if_she_was_game/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and calls the bartender over.
"I'll have a shot of whiskey with a beer back please."
The bartender brings the drinks over and the man drinks the shot, chugs the beer, and then looks into his shirt pocket.
A few minutes later the man orders another round for himself, drinks the shot, chugs the beer, and looks into his shirt pocket again.
This goes on for half of the evening before the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him.
"Excuse me for asking Sir, but why do you keep looking inside of your pocket after you finish your drinks?"
The man smiles and replies "I've got a picture of my wife in there and when she starts looking good...I'm going home! Another round please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4rwz/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Mother of The Year

So a reporter for *The Kansas City Star* goes all the way down into rural Arkansas to do a feature on a single mother with twelve sons.
As they sit on the porch sipping lemon tea and smoking Camels, the mother hears a shout. She yells, "Harold, you leave your brother alone!"
Then as a boy approaches from the road, she says, "Harold, fetch up some water for taters."
Then as the boy heads for the well, she calls into the house, "Harold, bring the gentlem'n more ice."
So the reporter asks, "You have three sons named Harold?"
"Oh, they alls named Harold. That-a-way I don't have to recollect any of their names. I just say *Harold, do this, and Harold, do that*. It serves passable well, I reckon."
"But suppose you want one of them in particular?"
"Simple, I just calls them by their surname."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4p7y/mother_of_the_year/
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What's one of the worst things you can do to a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4ooa/whats_one_of_the_worst_things_you_can_do_to_a/
%
My son is playing hockey for the youth Nashville team.

GO CHILD PREDATORS!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4n43/my_son_is_playing_hockey_for_the_youth_nashville/
%
A new friend just told me he had two gay dads.

I said "that's good! ...because it would be really weird if only one of them was gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4mvh/a_new_friend_just_told_me_he_had_two_gay_dads/
%
A man calls the Doctor...

Man: " Hey Doc, are my wife's test results back?"
Doc: " Yes they are, but we're a bit unsure of the results. She either has AIDS or Alzheimer's"
Man: " Well jeez doc what do it do?"
Doc: " Drive her out of town and if she returns don't fuck her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4l90/a_man_calls_the_doctor/
%
A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man...

..were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now there are only two bears on this mountain," the ranger explained. "One is a male, the other is a female. Which is the one that ate your friend?" The Jewish guy said it was definitely the male bear. So the ranger fired the gun and killed the bear, while the other ran away. When they cut it open to see, its stomach was empty.
The moral of the story? Never trust a Jew that says the Czech is in the male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4fxs/a_jewish_man_and_a_czechoslovakian_man/
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A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest...

And they stumble upon a magic lamp.  The bear rubs it and a genie pops out.
The genie says, "I will grant you each 3 wishes."
The bear says, "I wish I wish I was the only male bear in this forest, so all the other female Bears will be forced to be with me."  The genie grants him this wish and then asks the rabbit what his first wish will be.
The rabbit says, "I wish for a dirt bike."
And poof a dirt bike appears,
The genie motions to the bear for his second wish, and the bear says, "I wish I was the only male bear in all the surrounding forests so I will have more females to choose from."
The genie grants him this wish then asks the rabbit what his second wish will be.
The rabbit says, "I wish I had a helmet for my dirt bike." And poof a helmet appears on top of his dirt bike.
The genie motions to the bear for his final wish.
The bear says, "you know what?  I wish I was the only male bear in all the forests in all the world!!" The genie grants him this wish.
The genie now says to the rabbit, "and for you final wish?"
The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on his dirt bike, and tells the genie his final wish.
"I wish the bear was gay."  And rides off into the forest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m4ccs/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_walking_through_the_forest/
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The internet is like a choose your own adventure game

Where every adventure ultimately ends with me masturbating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m48jg/the_internet_is_like_a_choose_your_own_adventure/
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A group of guys, all aged about 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waitresses there were pretty.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m47sn/a_group_of_guys_all_aged_about_40_discussed_where/
%
What did the baby corn say to mom corn?

"Where's popcorn?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m47pd/what_did_the_baby_corn_say_to_mom_corn/
%
A brunette and redhead started laughing in the backyard when a blonde joined them.

The blonde said "What's so funny?" The honest brunette said, "Oh it's nothing." The tactful redhead said, "It's kind of an inside joke." The curious blonde said nothing, as she walked toward the back door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m47h4/a_brunette_and_redhead_started_laughing_in_the/
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What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m453m/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
Why are refugees so bad at baseball?

Because they can't get home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m44g6/why_are_refugees_so_bad_at_baseball/
%
It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m40wa/its_obviously_worse_to_pass_a_kidney_stone_than/
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How do you tell if someones a pilot?

Don't worry they'll tell you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m3y89/how_do_you_tell_if_someones_a_pilot/
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How do you know when the Kremlin has diarrhea?

They're rushin' pootin' to the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m3y4t/how_do_you_know_when_the_kremlin_has_diarrhea/
%
How Do You Wake Up Lady Gaga?

Poke her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m3y2k/how_do_you_wake_up_lady_gaga/
%
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.

When the son returned, he said,
"Papa, I had a great time in Israel! ...by the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," thought the father. "What have I done?"
He took his problem to his best friend. "Aron," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Aron. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian."
Perhaps we should go see the rabbi. So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.
"Funny you should ask, " said the rabbi.. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:
"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I too, sent my son to Israel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m3ur3/a_jewish_businessman_in_chicago_sent_his_son_to/
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Where can you find a dog with no legs?

Where you last saw it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m3ujx/where_can_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Big Dumb Joke

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m3tiv/big_dumb_joke/
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I swear, if I hear someone tell me one more time the Earth is flat...

I'll push them right off the edge!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m3s8n/i_swear_if_i_hear_someone_tell_me_one_more_time/
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What Does My Ex Girlfriend And An Archaeologist Have In Common?

They both like digging shit up from the past!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m3rkk/what_does_my_ex_girlfriend_and_an_archaeologist/
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My Great Grandfather claimed to know Poncho Villa

As children we would pester him to tell us if he really did meet such a villainous man. He would lean forward in his rocking chair and, with a heavy Spanish accent, would say, "When I was a young man, I would ride to town to get food for the family. On one of these days, a man in a large sombrero ride in. He wear a pistol on his hip, and had bullets slung over his shoulder.
He rode over to me and pull out his gun and said, 'You!'
I looked around and said, 'Me?'
'Yes, you. Take off your pants.' What could I do? He have the gun, I no have the gun, so I take off my pants.
'Now shit.' What could I do? He have the gun, I no have the gun so I shit.
'Now eat it.' What could I do, he have the gun I no have the gun so I eat it.
As he rode off his horse stumbled and he fell. I ran over to him and grabbed the gun. I pointed it at him. 'You! Take off your pants.' What could he do? I have the gun, he no have the gun so he take off his pants.
'Now shit.' What could he do? I have the gun, he no have the gun, so he shit.
'Now eat it.' What could he do? I have the gun, he no have the gun so he eat it."
My Great Grandfather would sigh, lean back, and look us in the eyes to say, "And mejo, you ask me if I knew him, we had lunch together!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m3org/my_great_grandfather_claimed_to_know_poncho_villa/
%
Why cant dinosaurs clap?

Because they're fucking dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m3jk8/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
What do you get when you eat a gallon of ice cream?

Breyers remorse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m3ho2/what_do_you_get_when_you_eat_a_gallon_of_ice_cream/
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What did the ghost say at the party?

I'm just here for the boos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m3ewe/what_did_the_ghost_say_at_the_party/
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You know the razor blade works...

when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m3dch/you_know_the_razor_blade_works/
%
I only date black girls

Because I hate meeting my gfs' father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m3cok/i_only_date_black_girls/
%
Why do people like straws?

I mean, they're designed to suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m39zx/why_do_people_like_straws/
%
When does a sandwich cook?

When it's bakin' lettuce and tomato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m39kt/when_does_a_sandwich_cook/
%
3 cousins are together talking about their names. The first, a raven haired beauty, says "when my mother was pregnant a rose fell from a bush and landed on her stomach so she named me Rose".

The second, a beautiful blonde, says, "when my mother was pregnant a violet landed on her stomach, so she named me Violet".
She turns to the 3rd cousin, a small crippled girl in a wheelchair, "how did u get your name, Piano??".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m327u/3_cousins_are_together_talking_about_their_names/
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Cop walks up to my window and asks, "Mr. Johnson, have you been drinking"?

I said, "Why, is there a fat girl in my back seat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m31q7/cop_walks_up_to_my_window_and_asks_mr_johnson/
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Why is gambling illegal in Africa?

Cause there are too many cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2zap/why_is_gambling_illegal_in_africa/
%
A woman and man get into a car accident.

Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2yny/a_woman_and_man_get_into_a_car_accident/
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Which rock group has 4 men that can't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2tbv/which_rock_group_has_4_men_that_cant_sing/
%
A billionaire was celebrating his 50th birthday

At party he grabbed a mic and said
"There are 2 sharks in my swimming pool, if one of you can swim from one side to the other I'll give him whatever he asks for"
No one dared to jump in the water until suddenly everyone heard a splash and saw a man swimming as fast as he could.
The man actually made it to the side and the billionaire rushed to congratulate him.
The billionaire said "you can ask for anything, my money, my car or even my wife!"
The man said "I don't want your money or car, I just want to know who was that son of a bitch who shoved me in the water"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2pgd/a_billionaire_was_celebrating_his_50th_birthday/
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What do you call a depressed whale with erectile dysfunction?

Mopey Dick.
^^I ^^am ^^so, ^^so ^^sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2pfx/what_do_you_call_a_depressed_whale_with_erectile/
%
We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2nrn/we_all_know_that_six_is_afraid_of_seven_because/
%
Why are there so many rivers in France?

Water takes the path of least resistance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2mm7/why_are_there_so_many_rivers_in_france/
%
My roommate yells at me for stealing her kitchen utensils

But hey, it was a whisk I was willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2m3l/my_roommate_yells_at_me_for_stealing_her_kitchen/
%
Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals

Due to their stable environment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2lgo/recent_research_shows_that_horses_tend_to_have/
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When I was a kid I thought Vegetarian and Lesbian were the same thing.

Well, both lifestyles do lack...meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2kxt/when_i_was_a_kid_i_thought_vegetarian_and_lesbian/
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I mistakenly thought there were 11 ants illegally squatting in an apartment

Turns out they were ten-ants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2ju4/i_mistakenly_thought_there_were_11_ants_illegally/
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A duck walks in to a bar

, sits on the bar stool and says "My names Splish, I've had an amazing day, I've been in and out of puddles all day! I'll have a large beer please", to which the bartender looks in amazement. Absolutely baffled at the situation, the bartender makes the beer and sits back in disbelief. After the duck finishes the beer, it leaves. A couple of hours later another duck walks in and again, sits on the stool and says "my names Splash, I've had an amazing day, I've been in and out of puddles all day! I'll have a large beer please". And again, the bartender can't believe his eyes and makes the beer. After finishing, the duck leaves and the bartender asks his friend to watch. Finally the last duck walks in, sits on the stool, as the others did, but before the duck could talk he bartender cuts in and asks, "let me guess your name is splosh, you've had an amazing day in and out of puddles all day?", to which the duck says, "no my name's Puddles I'll have a large rum and coke and 3 shots please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2j7a/a_duck_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
As a 30 year old man, I can tell you that dating never gets any easier......

I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now, and last night we had dinner at her parents house. Her Mother doesn't care for me, but her Father hates me; which is weird, because we used to play football together in high school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2gdf/as_a_30_year_old_man_i_can_tell_you_that_dating/
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Friends are like family

...Too bad I'm an orphan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2dd5/friends_are_like_family/
%
I was studying at my desk and fell asleep.

A big book from the shelf above fell on me. I blame myshelf for this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2d8z/i_was_studying_at_my_desk_and_fell_asleep/
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What language is most commonly used in programming?

Profanity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2b95/what_language_is_most_commonly_used_in_programming/
%
A man goes to prison for the first time

A man is sent to prison for the first time.
The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!"
The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
"Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?"
"Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it."
Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "**89**!" Suddenly everyone breaks out into nonstop laughter, which after 5 minutes gets louder and louder. After 10 minutes the guards have had enough and decide to go in. They turn on the lights, pull the prisoners (all whom are still laughing) out of their cells and put them all facedown on the floor and try to restore order.
The new guy looks across to his cellmate who's lying facedown in front of him and ask "Why wouldn't anyone stop laughing?"
With a chuckle, his cellmate looks across and tells him "We haven't heard that one before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m29xr/a_man_goes_to_prison_for_the_first_time/
%
A Chinese man takes a seat at a bar

The man next to him turns and asks "Do you know kung-fu?"
The Chinese man angrily reply's "Why? Because I'm Chinese?"
The man says "No! Because thats my beer asshole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m27tt/a_chinese_man_takes_a_seat_at_a_bar/
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Too Wiggly and Limp

Grandpa and his 7-year-old grandson are gardening when to boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
“I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t,” says Gramps. “It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The kid runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board, and proceeds to put it right back into the hole.
Grandpa hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes out and hands the boy another five dollars. “Grandpa, you already paid me,” says the kid.
“I know. This is from your Grandma.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2427/too_wiggly_and_limp/
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Tortilla chips

So, a guy walks into a mexican restaurant and takes a seat. Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a soda. The chips says "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the waiter "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!" Waiter says "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m23wg/tortilla_chips/
%
A World Without Women...

... would be a pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m2321/a_world_without_women/
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My taste in women is much like my taste in wine

Right now i like them younger, sweeter, and prettier. As i age, i start to like them older, more bitter, and contributing to my alcoholism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m22ey/my_taste_in_women_is_much_like_my_taste_in_wine/
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What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair black?

Artificial Intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1z8b/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_who_dyed_her_hair_black/
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Lazy Indians

A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the
Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it
took to build.
"Twenty years," replied the guide.
"You Indians are a lazy lot," the tourist said. In my country, this could have
been built in five.
At Agra he admired the Taj's beauty and asked how many years it took to
build.
"Only ten years," said the guide.
The tourist retorted: "You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings
in two-and-a-half."
In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have
been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the
Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: "I don't
know. It wasn't there yesterday evening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1xw8/lazy_indians/
%
What do you call a computer on the bottom of the ocean?

A Dell, rolling in the deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1xvx/what_do_you_call_a_computer_on_the_bottom_of_the/
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I lost some eys rom my eyboard.

uc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1wqb/i_lost_some_eys_rom_my_eyboard/
%
Who has the cheesiest jokes on a football team?

The punter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1v5z/who_has_the_cheesiest_jokes_on_a_football_team/
%
A little buffalo ask his dad, "How come you kiss uncle Steve the same way you kissed mommy?"

"I'm Bison".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1uvz/a_little_buffalo_ask_his_dad_how_come_you_kiss/
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Best toast

John hoisted his beer mug and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She asked "what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies at the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Yes he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come...!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1t8m/best_toast/
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I was going out with a twin.

I was going out with a twin, I always had trouble telling them apart, in the end I worked out that Kylie had long blonde hair and Jason had a dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1qzk/i_was_going_out_with_a_twin/
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Praying for Leroy

In a revival tent service, the preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. The whole congregation joined with enthusiastic shouts of “Amen Brother!”
After a few minutes the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”
“I don’t know,” Leroy answered. “It isn’t until next Thursday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1q1f/praying_for_leroy/
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Did you hear the story about skin-toned bathing suits?

It was fake nudes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1pyr/did_you_hear_the_story_about_skintoned_bathing/
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The Egyptian kayaker who lost his paddle

just couldn't accept the fact that
&nbsp;
he was stuck in de nile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1p7d/the_egyptian_kayaker_who_lost_his_paddle/
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Knock, Knock!

Who's there?
To.
To who?
It's to whom, you illiterate fool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1orm/knock_knock/
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Guy and his two buddies are at a bar

, when one of them nudges the other two. "See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."
So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.
Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"
Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.
After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.
She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up."
Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!"
On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk."
They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.
"I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you."
"it's perfectly fine." he smiles.
"Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her  legs it's hard to do in the truck.
She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."
So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.
After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.
"Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over.
Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?"
"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years."
Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it."
"No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging in the park."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1ol7/guy_and_his_two_buddies_are_at_a_bar/
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What happens when it's raining cats and dogs?

You have to look out for poodles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1npp/what_happens_when_its_raining_cats_and_dogs/
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I want to dress up as a UDP packet for Halloween

but I don't know if anyone will get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1mzd/i_want_to_dress_up_as_a_udp_packet_for_halloween/
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Sometimes i rub sand into my pubes

Just so I can make my crabs feel at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1mka/sometimes_i_rub_sand_into_my_pubes/
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I heard when the sun dies it's going to take the human race with it...

I guess the future's not so bright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1mhb/i_heard_when_the_sun_dies_its_going_to_take_the/
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Gordon Ramsay with his son

Son: Hey Dad, let's watch a Disney movie
Gordon: Is it The Lion King?
Son: No, it's Frozen
Gordon: FUCK OFF﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1m46/gordon_ramsay_with_his_son/
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Please, don't fart in the lift...

It's wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1k5t/please_dont_fart_in_the_lift/
%
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it…

He’s gay, definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1iu2/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_10_men_shes_a_slut_but_if/
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What did the window washer say to the window?

I feel your pane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1i3e/what_did_the_window_washer_say_to_the_window/
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My band played at a library yesterday

It was fully booked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1gwb/my_band_played_at_a_library_yesterday/
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A jumper cable walks into a bar;

The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1gk5/a_jumper_cable_walks_into_a_bar/
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Important Healthcare Information

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's proposed health care package to replace Obama-care:
1. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
2. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
3. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
4. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
5. The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
6. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
7. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
8. The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
9. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
10. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1d95/important_healthcare_information/
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Last night I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken and met a woman dressed as an egg.

One thing led to another ... and a lifelong question was answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1d7g/last_night_i_went_to_a_costume_party_dressed_as_a/
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My lack of knowledge of greek mythology is my one weakness.

It's my Achilles elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1d00/my_lack_of_knowledge_of_greek_mythology_is_my_one/
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My boss texted me "Send me a funny joke"

I texted him back "Sorry, boss, I'm working at the moment, I'll send you one later."
He replied back "That was fantastic, send me another!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1bw6/my_boss_texted_me_send_me_a_funny_joke/
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I like my woman like I like my microwave

In the kitchen and ready to kill any baby I put inside of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m1apz/i_like_my_woman_like_i_like_my_microwave/
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I hate the noises tennis players make

Absolute racquet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m13so/i_hate_the_noises_tennis_players_make/
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I've written a song about a tortilla.

Actually, it's more of a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m12m8/ive_written_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
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Do you know where frogs come from?

They're German, Russian and a tad Polish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m12am/do_you_know_where_frogs_come_from/
%
Sometimes, when you cry, nobody see your tears,

Sometimes, when you smile,nobody notices your joy
Sometimes, when you are scared, there's nobody to calm you.
But try to have a wank in the Tesco car park, and everyone will notice.
P.S. Can someone pick me up from the police station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m10qf/sometimes_when_you_cry_nobody_see_your_tears/
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FACE DOWN ASS UP. THAT'S THE WAY...

Flamingos hangout sometimes, not really sure why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0ztz/face_down_ass_up_thats_the_way/
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Little Johnny comes home from school

And tells his father:
-Dad, today I got 4 F's at school
Dad gets frustrated:
-Why, what have you done, what subjects?
J: English, Maths, PE and Religion.
D: OK, how did you get an F in English class?
J: Teacher said: Mary loves John. Mary loves Allan. Mary loves Mark. And asked me: What is Mary in these sentences.
D: Mary is a fucking whore.
J: That is what I said, so I got an F.
D: Wow, and what about Maths?
J: Teacher asked me what is 3+2. I said 5 and then she asked me what is 2+3.
D: Same shit.
J: That is exactly what I said.
D: Well, OK, and what about PE?
J: Teacher told us to raise our hands, so I did. Then told us to lift our left leg, so I did. And then he told us to lift our right leg.
D: What are you then supposed to stand on, your dick!?
J: Yeah, I told same thing and got an F.
D: Huh, and Religion?
J: Teacher told us that God is present everywhere around us, so I asked her if the God is present in our neighbour's cellar and she said that God is present even there.
D: Yeah, my ass, our neighbour doesn't even have a cellar.
J: That's what I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0yv9/little_johnny_comes_home_from_school/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0ye5/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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A young child is sitting on a park bench eating a huge bag of candy.

An old man walks up to him and says "You shouldn't eat so much candy, it's terrible for your health!"
The kid replies, "Well, my grandpa lived to be 103 years old!"
"What was his secret? Did he eat a lot of candy?"
"No," the kid says. "He minded his own goddamn business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0uv2/a_young_child_is_sitting_on_a_park_bench_eating_a/
%
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds.

As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she fluttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Fuck me or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello," said the ugly fat man said, "my name is Cess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0ucn/a_man_was_walking_along_the_street_when_he_saw_a/
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My older brother always went out of his way to protect me when I was a child…

So much so, that he used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn't look at them…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0ubo/my_older_brother_always_went_out_of_his_way_to/
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A Muslim Extremist orders an Uber.

His uber driver arrives so he gets in the car to proceed to his destination, the extremist then asks the driver a question.
Extremist: in the time of Muhammad did they have radio?
Driver: no.
Extremist: so why do you have the radio on?
Driver: *turns off radio*
The extremist then asks another question
Extremist: in the time of Muhammad did they have air conditioning?
Driver: no.
Extremist: so why are using it?
Driver: *turns of the air conditioner*
The driver decided to ask the extremist a question.
Driver: in the time of Muhammad did they have uber?
Extremist: obviously not.
Driver: then get the fuck out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0tj0/a_muslim_extremist_orders_an_uber/
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I like my women like I like my golf scores

In the mid 70's with a slight handicap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0tev/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_golf_scores/
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A positive ion stole an electron yesterday.

He got away with no charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0srg/a_positive_ion_stole_an_electron_yesterday/
%
Where do polar bears vote?

The North Poll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0s2t/where_do_polar_bears_vote/
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A blind man walks into a bar and sits on a stool. He orders a drink and says "hey, wanna here a good blonde joke"...

The barmaid says "before you do, I should tell you my name is big Bertha, I'm the landlady and an ex wrestler and I'm a blonde.  Two feet away is big Brenda, she's a karate teacher and could squish you flat in a second, she's also a blonde, and in the corner over there is big Belinda, she's a shot putter by profession and also a blonde.  Are you sure you wanna tell this joke?"
The blind man sighs and says "no I don't think I'll bother, I don't want to have to explain the damn thing three times over"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0r3x/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_on_a_stool/
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What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,
Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.
-Sincerely, your ISP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0p4k/whats_a_pirates_least_favourite_letter/
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What's the difference between autocorrect and my kid?

Autocorrect knows every single word in english, except for swears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0l1w/whats_the_difference_between_autocorrect_and_my/
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts boy, this ain't no ordinary blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0kan/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_tree/
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A man got himself a puzzle game.

It took him 10 hard months to finish it. He was so proud of himself because at the side of the box it said ' 2 to 3 years'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0jge/a_man_got_himself_a_puzzle_game/
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I'm great at multitasking!

I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0guw/im_great_at_multitasking/
%
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a sperm test.

The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his sperm with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0gfm/a_70yearold_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_sperm/
%
Two random variables were talking in a bar.

They thought they were being discrete but I heard their chatter continuously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0gc0/two_random_variables_were_talking_in_a_bar/
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Girls are like walmarts.

If you go in through the backdoor and start peeing someone might start shouting at you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0f4k/girls_are_like_walmarts/
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New studies show that becoming a chef is the number one job for homeless people after re-integration into society...

Many cite their strong resumes as the key to their success considering they have a lot of experience pan handling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0djw/new_studies_show_that_becoming_a_chef_is_the/
%
Dogs carefully pick a spot to poop,

because they use excrement to communicate. Dogs are the original shitposters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0dcy/dogs_carefully_pick_a_spot_to_poop/
%
My girlfriend likes it when I am silent.

She thinks I am listening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m0d9q/my_girlfriend_likes_it_when_i_am_silent/
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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."

"A miracle?!" he laughed.
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m09de/my_friend_said_congratulations_on_your_new_job/
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How Can You Tell If You Have A High Sperm Count?

She chews before she swallows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m08xg/how_can_you_tell_if_you_have_a_high_sperm_count/
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I like my women how I like my wine

100 years old and locked in a cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m02ez/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_wine/
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How do you call doctors that change a persons gender

Trans formers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6m00sx/how_do_you_call_doctors_that_change_a_persons/
%
Why does the end of the world never come?

Because it's round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzx3a/why_does_the_end_of_the_world_never_come/
%
What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?

A piece of ass that will make you tear up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzvxi/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_donkey_and_an/
%
Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because his penis was stuck in the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzv9t/why_did_the_pervert_cross_the_road/
%
Tesla have announced they are going to build the worlds biggest battery.

Yet it still won't last a day on an iPhone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzt61/tesla_have_announced_they_are_going_to_build_the/
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How do you turn $0.35 into $100 000?

Throw it into a jet engine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzscd/how_do_you_turn_035_into_100_000/
%
Whats gordon ramsy's favourite movie?

It's fucking FROZEN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzs49/whats_gordon_ramsys_favourite_movie/
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So a man is told by his doctor he only has five days to live...

On the first day he goes out and gets himself a Japanese prostitute with big tits and fucks her like there is no tomorrow.
On the second day he goes out and gets himself a redhead Irish prostitute with a nice ass and he fucks her like there is no tomorrow.
On the third day he goes out and gets a Brazilian prostitute with great legs and he fucks her like there is no tomorrow.
On the forth day he goes and fucks his wife harder than the prostitutes prior.
On the fifth day he goes to the hospital and gets ready for the inevitable when the doctor comes back in and asks "Have you done everything you needed to yet"?
The man replies "I have doc. I fucked three beautiful women, and then fucked my wife even harder."
The doctor goes "Well I'm glad to see you enjoined your last few days".
The man says "Yup. Fucking three gorgeous girls was great. But taking my bitch of a wife off my will was even better".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzqtb/so_a_man_is_told_by_his_doctor_he_only_has_five/
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Why did the porn star agree to double penetration?

It increased her in cum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzl9l/why_did_the_porn_star_agree_to_double_penetration/
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Speeding Ticket

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her if he could kindly see her license.
She replied in a huff 'I wish you guys would get your act together, just yesterday you took away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzkqb/speeding_ticket/
%
I dont like anal sex

Butt-fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzfsp/i_dont_like_anal_sex/
%
I apologize in advance...

What do you call a consortium of dildo manufacturers?
Peter Sellers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzdqj/i_apologize_in_advance/
%
I just made this one up and it's really stupid. What do you call a resistor that can't afford rent?

Ohm-less

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzcuy/i_just_made_this_one_up_and_its_really_stupid/
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Once there were two pirates who were identical twins...

These twins, the Tillery brothers, were named Arthur and Artemis, but both of them liked to be called Art. The only way that the captain and crew could tell them apart was by weight: Arthur was much fatter than his twin.
One day, the pirate ship was attacked by a Royal Navy ship. "All hands on deck!" The captain ordered. He pointed to the cannons and shouted, "Fire the heavy artillery!"
Hearing this, one of the pirates picked up Arthur, shoved him in the cannon, and fired.
"What did you do that for?" The captain asked.
"Sorry sir," the pirate replied. "But I'm sure you told me to fire the heavy Art Tillery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzco0/once_there_were_two_pirates_who_were_identical/
%
I slept like a baby last night

I drank a bottle before bed and woke up crying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzbx2/i_slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
%
I'm never going to my gay friends barbecue again.

All the hot dogs tasted like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lzbfe/im_never_going_to_my_gay_friends_barbecue_again/
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How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lz70b/how_did_the_australian_pay_for_his_new_chess_set/
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Two Midgets Go To Vegas

Two midget friends decide the want to go to Las Vegas together. They want to do some drinking, gambling and get some hookers.
They arrive in Vegas and commence the drinking and gambling. The night is going well, and they decide it's time for the hookers.
The girls arrive at their adjoining suits looking very sexy. The first midget is talking to his hooker and says, "I've had a change of heart. I can't do this. I have a wife and kid at home." He pays her and sends her on her way.
Curious about his friend he listens through the door. "1 2 3 HEEEEEEEE!!! 1 2 3 HOOOOOOOOO!!! 1 2 3 WHOOOOOO!!" He's impressed with his friends vigor.
The next day they meet for breakfast and the first midget recounts his night, and explains he didn't want to cheat on his wife. He says, "But it sounds like you were having a blast! Well done!"
His friend said, "No, I couldn't even get on the bed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lz6ol/two_midgets_go_to_vegas/
%
What did the snail paint a big S on his car?

So everyone else can watch the s-car-go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lyz81/what_did_the_snail_paint_a_big_s_on_his_car/
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How many people with Alzheimer's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lyym7/how_many_people_with_alzheimers_does_it_take_to/
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A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz

was elated to discover a food that when fed to dolphins enabled them to live eternal lives. One day the biologist found that he was out of seagull mash, a main ingredient in the eternal life food. Worried that the he would miss the next critical feeding of the dolphins, he grabbed his shotgun and ran out to the beach to shoot some seagulls.
On returning to his lab with gulls in hand, the biologist was shocked to see a lion, seemingly sleeping, on the entrance to his lab. As he was in a great hurry to make a new batch of eternal life food, he took a risk and jumped over the lion to get into his lab. Once inside, he saw several policemen waiting for him. They arrested him for transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lysn2/a_marine_biologist_at_the_university_of/
%
Girl are you a newspaper?

Cause you’ve got a new issue everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lysj8/girl_are_you_a_newspaper/
%
Pee in the pool and nobody bats an eye

Do it from the diving board and everyone loses their minds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lyrfz/pee_in_the_pool_and_nobody_bats_an_eye/
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Why are horses lousy dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lyox3/why_are_horses_lousy_dancers/
%
I asked my friend, "if you had to get rid of one body part what would it be?"

He said, "My spine, it holds me back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lyo2w/i_asked_my_friend_if_you_had_to_get_rid_of_one/
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How do you say "bra" in German?

Dat schud stoppem frum floppen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lymcs/how_do_you_say_bra_in_german/
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I like my coffee like my slaves

FREE, you racist piece of shit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lyjyt/i_like_my_coffee_like_my_slaves/
%
How do you get an emo kid out of a tree?

You cut the rope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lyfl2/how_do_you_get_an_emo_kid_out_of_a_tree/
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3 blondes are stuck...

3 blondes are stuck on a river bank and can't cross it. They find a bottle in the sand, and as they open it, a genie pops out.
"I will promise you 3 wishes. Pick carefully." Says the genie.
"I want a boat." Says the first one. The genie grants her wish, but the river current is too powerful and she drifts away to her death.
"I want a motorboat." Announces the second blonde. However, it had no fuel. Off she goes to die.
"I want black hair." Says the third one, and then she crosses the bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lyeib/3_blondes_are_stuck/
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Little Johnny catches his parents having sex...

He shouts out "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"
Flustered his dad replies: "Uhhh...I'm playing poker."
Not knowing what poker is Johnny is about to shrug and walk away but then he asks "But then what's mom doing?"
"Uhhh..she's my wild card" his dad replies
A few months later Johnny's dad walks in on him masturbating. His dad shouts "What are you doing?"
Without missing a beat Johnny replies "Playing poker."
His replies "But where is your wild card?"
Johnny just smirks and says "With a hand like this, who needs a wild card?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ly7rf/little_johnny_catches_his_parents_having_sex/
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My girlfriend left me and told me I have a tiny penis...

Oh well, I was never that much into her anyway...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ly5j3/my_girlfriend_left_me_and_told_me_i_have_a_tiny/
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Two strangers riding an elevator

"Excuse me, sir, did you just fart?"
"Did you?"
"Of course not!"
"Then why the fuck are you asking?!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ly3fq/two_strangers_riding_an_elevator/
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That's nice...

Three recently married southern belles are sitting together catching up on all that had happened since their respective nuptials. It's not long before the three ladies begin showing off what their husbands had done to spoil them.
The first belle sticks her left hand out and lets the sun hit the amazing diamond on her ring, "Isn't it beautiful, y'all?!"
The second belle exclaims, "Oh my stars! I can't look at it; it's burning my eyes!"
The third belle looks at it just for a moment or two, and simply replies, "Oh my, that's nice."
The second belle takes her turn to show off and takes the girls to the front porch. When they get outside, they're greeted by a brand new rose pink Cadillac, "Y'all like it? We just got it yesterday!"
"Oh lord, how beautiful!" The first belle replies, trying not to sound a little envious. "It looks like a dream, hon."
The third belle looks at the car coolly for a moment and replies, "Oh my, that's nice."
Now the first two belles are a little irked at the third belle's dismissive attitude. The first one asks, "Well missy, what did your man get you that's got you all high an' mighty?"
The third belle very calmly explains, "My husband sent me to a finishing school over the summer."
The first two look at each other trying to figure out what was so special about a finishing school. "So?!"
"Well, thats where I learned to say, 'Oh my, that's nice' instead of 'fuck you!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ly03s/thats_nice/
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Why was everyone confused when a crab walked straight into the bar?

Because crabs only walk sideways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxzbu/why_was_everyone_confused_when_a_crab_walked/
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How does the Jewish man make his beer?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxvci/how_does_the_jewish_man_make_his_beer/
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A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and chips, and receives an apple

"What is this?!" He says
"Take a bite" the bartender replies
He begrudgingly obliges and bites the apple
"Wow!" He exclaims "This takes just like a cold beer!"
The bartender nods and says "Turn it around"
The man does, and when he takes a bite he exclaims "This tastes exactly like chips!"
Satisfied, the man hands the bartender some money and walks out of the bar.
Another man who saw the whole thing walks up to the bartender,
"I hear you got an apple that tastes like anything!" He says
The bartender nods and the man says "In that case, give me an apple that tastes like pussy!"
The bartender hands him an apple and the man eagerly takes a bite.
However, he spits it out and roars "This tastes like shit!"
The bartender sighs and says "turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxuvv/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_orders_a_beer_and_chips/
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Haven't seen this one here yet

**How to install a southern home security system**
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men's work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of *Guns & Ammo* magazine.
2. Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines.
3. Leave a note on the door that reads:
Bubba,
Me, Jimbo and Buck went to get more beer and ammo. Be back in a bit. Don't mess with the pitbulls, they got the mailman real bad yesterday. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, locked 'em all in the house, so you better wait outside. Be right back.
-Cooter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxso6/havent_seen_this_one_here_yet/
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A gorilla walks into a bar.

He's not the smartest gorilla, but ignorance is bliss at the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxqv2/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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Black people are great! I don't care what the racists say!

I think everybody should have one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxqdb/black_people_are_great_i_dont_care_what_the/
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What's the difference between a rooster and a whore?

The rooster says cockadoodledoo, the whore says anycockwilldo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxpzt/whats_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_a_whore/
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What did the broke hooker say to the other hooker?

Can you lend me $50 until I'm on my back again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxofa/what_did_the_broke_hooker_say_to_the_other_hooker/
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What type of currency do people use in space?

Starbucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxo2g/what_type_of_currency_do_people_use_in_space/
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The value of a mule.

A used car salesman retired and moved to the country. He bought a yearling stallion and a couple mares. He thought his pastoral life was pretty sweet, until the stallion started misbehaving. So, he asked his neighbor down the road what to do.
"You need a mule." the old farmer said.
"Will that help?" the salesman asked.
"Absolutely. The only thing more pig-headed than a young stallion is a mule. He'll have that horse playing second fiddle in no time."
"Well do you have a mule I could buy?"
"Sure do. I'll sell you Murphy, he's a great mule, and i'll only charge you $100."
The salesman thought that was a great deal, and handed the farmer the $100 straight away. Later that week, he came by to pick up the mule.
"I'm here to pick up Murphy!" the salesman announced.
"You know, I hate to be the bearer of bad news," the farmer said, "but Murphy died two nights ago.
"Well, can I have my $100 back then?"
"No, I spent it already, I can pay you back, it'll just be a while."
"Never mind that, I'll just take the dead mule."
"What do you want with a dead mule?"
"Does it matter? I'm paying you $100 for a dead mule."
The farmer shrugged, and figured if this guy wants to buy a dead mule, that's on him. So he helped load it up.
Several weeks later, the farmer met the salesman in passing, and just could not help but ask him about the mule.
"How did you ever come out on that dead mule?"
"Great. I made $98 profit on that mule."
The farmer couldn't believe it.
"How did you get someone to pay $198 for a dead mule?"
"I didn't. I had a raffle, and the winner got the mule. I sold 100 tickets at $2 apiece."
"But wasn't the winner upset when he found out the mule was dead?"
"Of course he was." said the salesman. "So I gave him his $2 back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxm1p/the_value_of_a_mule/
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Why do mice have such tiny balls?

Because so few of them know how to dance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxlcw/why_do_mice_have_such_tiny_balls/
%
What did the beached whale say to Chris Christie?

Well, looks like we both know how to empty a beach, huh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxjwt/what_did_the_beached_whale_say_to_chris_christie/
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Are you a gorilla exhibit?

Cause I wanna drop a baby in you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxjf1/are_you_a_gorilla_exhibit/
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Three women were stranded on an island after a shipwreck

, a redhead, brunette and a blonde. The nearest civilization was a 40 mile swim away. The redhead swam 10 miles and drowned. The brunette swam 15 miles and drowned. The blonde swam 20 miles, became exhausted and decided she wouldn't be able to make the rest of the swim; so she swam back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxi57/three_women_were_stranded_on_an_island_after_a/
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Two panhandlers meet after a long time and talk about their last year income

Guy 1: How did it go last year?
Guy 2: Pretty decent, I was able to purchase a two bedroom apartment, a Ferrari and furnish my house.
Guy 1: Whaaaaaat? How did you manage to do that, I have been on the streets 24x7 and have hardly managed to pay rent and look after my family?
Guy 2: What does your sign say?
Guy 1: No work, wife and 2 kids to support. What does your sign say?
Guy 2: Need a few bucks to go back to my country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxfx0/two_panhandlers_meet_after_a_long_time_and_talk/
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Why did the octopus cross the reef?

To get to the other tide.
Ha.ha.ha.  I'm heading out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxfvx/why_did_the_octopus_cross_the_reef/
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A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.
"No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker", says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxdr0/a_priest_hooks_a_huge_fish/
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At the pearly gates, St. Peter needs to take a piss

He asks Jesus to watch over the gate for him.
"It's really easy," he says. "All you have to do is ask anyone who comes a little bit about his life, then decide if he's good enough to come in."
St. Peter leaves and after a few minutes an old man approaches Jesus at the gates. Jesus greets him and asks him to describe his life.
"Well," the old man says. "In my former life I was a carpenter. I was not well known, but my son was famous among many people. You see, he did not come into this world in the usual way, he had holes in his hands and feet, and he came to life after being seemingly lifeless."
Throughout the old man's story, Jesus feels tears in his eyes. He whispers, "Father?"
The old man gasps. "Pinocchio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lxadl/at_the_pearly_gates_st_peter_needs_to_take_a_piss/
%
A hamburger walks into a bar

The bartender stares him down, and says *"We don't serve food here!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lx3en/a_hamburger_walks_into_a_bar/
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A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day. . .

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day, and after paying his respects to an old friend he walks past two grave markers that each had a statue of the person buried in the grave. Both statues looked across a wide space toward each other with sadness and longing. The wizard read the epitaphs to see they were a pair of young lovers who died alone when their families refused to let them marry.
Feeling sad for the lovers the wizard summoned his finest magic and animated both statues. He said to the lovers, "I've made it possible for the two of you to live your dream." They both thanked him, joined hands and went off into some bushes. There was a lot of activity in the bushes, plenty of shaking and that knocked off the leaves from the bushes until the wizard could start to see the lovers.
He politely interrupted them and said, "Perhaps you should find another bush with a little more coverage?" They got up to find a bush, but as they walked away the male statue said the female, "Okay, but now you hold the pigeon so I can shit on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lx21m/a_wizard_is_walking_through_a_cemetery_one_day/
%
Three generations apart, watching a soccer game

"Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"
"Sure, which two countries are playing?"
"Austria - Hungary."
"Against who?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lx0ck/three_generations_apart_watching_a_soccer_game/
%
I like my coffee how I like my women

WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN THEM ANNABEL YOU FUCKING WHORE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lwx1n/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
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Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands.

They are now known as The Islands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lwt3d/chuck_norris_once_visited_the_virgin_islands/
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The Bar's Basement Challenge

Three guys walk into a bar and see a poster:
*The Basement Challenge*
*If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever.*
*Signed*
*Pappy O'Hooligan*
They tell the bartender they're in and he leads the first guy downstairs.
The first guy walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."
So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.
Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.
He says, "Easy! I took a shit in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lwt2h/the_bars_basement_challenge/
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I'm not sexist because sexism is wrong.

And being wrong is for women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lws9l/im_not_sexist_because_sexism_is_wrong/
%
I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.

It was about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lwo64/i_finally_got_around_to_reading_that_book_by/
%
Are Gorillas stupid?

Of course, who else would complain about a 19$ drink but keep coming back to the same bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lwo52/are_gorillas_stupid/
%
I Can Write You A Check

A desperate mugger approached a lady and told her to hand over all her money.
When she insisted she hadn’t any, he thrust his hand between her big boobs and began feeling around.
“I said I did not have any money,” she repeated, “but if you keep that up, I’ll be glad to write you a check.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lwm78/i_can_write_you_a_check/
%
Why are Abortions fun?

They always bring out the kid in you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lwllt/why_are_abortions_fun/
%
Faster Firetruck

A firefighter is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a Firefighter's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The firefighter says "Hey, little girl, whatcha doing?"
The little girl says, "I'm a firefighter and this is my fire truck!"
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the firefighter says.
"Thanks, mister," says the little girl.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the little girl had tied the wagon to the dog's testicles. "Little girl," says the firefighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lwkol/faster_firetruck/
%
A Gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "Don't lie, I'm the third one in last 6 months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lwjy4/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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A Pole went for an eye check up

.
The doctor showed the letters on the board:
CXWSNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Pole: Read? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lwe5k/a_pole_went_for_an_eye_check_up/
%
A man walks down the street with a large pole on his shoulder

A person across the street asks:
"Are you a pole vaulter"
(With a strong German accent): "No, I'm a German but how did you know my name is Walter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lwe3s/a_man_walks_down_the_street_with_a_large_pole_on/
%
TIL that a koala is not technically considered a bear

It doesn't meet the koala-fications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lwcbf/til_that_a_koala_is_not_technically_considered_a/
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Kid 1: "Hey I bet you're still a virgin "

Kid 2: "Yeah I was a virgin until last night"
Kid 1: "As if"
Kid 2: "Yeah just ask your sister"
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister"
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lwb2w/kid_1_hey_i_bet_youre_still_a_virgin/
%
I had a customer who used to come to my pub regularly to drink 4 mugs of beer each day.

Out of curiosity, I asked him why always 4?
He answered, ' I have 3 brothers, we used to drink beer regularly and now they have moved to another side of the world and to celebrate our brotherhood even if we are apart we order a beer for each and drink it by ourself as if we are together.
But one day, as usual, he came to the pub but this time he only ordered 3, I was worried that something bad must have happened to one of his brothers. I approached him expressing my sympathy and asked, 'Anything wrong bro?'
He Said, 'Nothing much but, I am having trouble with my wife, she thinks I have become an alcoholic. So I have decided to quit drinking'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lw9we/i_had_a_customer_who_used_to_come_to_my_pub/
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Gabe Newell should be president

That way we'd never have WW3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lw797/gabe_newell_should_be_president/
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A young MD fresh out of med school

stops at the same bar at the same time every day on the way home and orders the same drink, a Hazelnut Daiquiri.  Every day the doctor shows up and every day the same bartender has the drink waiting.  One day  the bartender noticed it was about time for the doctor to be coming in for his drink so he mixed up the daiquiri and went to grab the hazelnut flavoring but they were all out!  The bartender panicked as not once had he forgot the doctors drink since he had started coming in regularly.  In a panic moments before he would arrive, the bartender decided to grab the flavoring right next to the hazelnut and use that instead and sets the drink on the table.  The young doctor comes in and takes his seat at the bar and takes a sip of his drink and spits it out across the bar “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? THAT’S NOT HAZELNUT!”  the bartender responds “No sir, that’s a hickory, daiquiri Doc!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lw4xa/a_young_md_fresh_out_of_med_school/
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My frugal neighbor doesn't want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he's going to try and do it himself. "How hard can it be?" he said.

I think he's in for a shock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lvzkn/my_frugal_neighbor_doesnt_want_to_pay_for_an/
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How does my boyfriend expect me to tell him when I'm about to cum....

... when he told me that I should never call him while he's at work?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lvtqr/how_does_my_boyfriend_expect_me_to_tell_him_when/
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My wife went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with the broken-vacuum-cleaner syndrome

It means that they make a ton of noise and don't suck anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lvqkq/my_wife_went_to_the_doctor_yesterday_and_was/
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Scientists are testing new mind reading methods with ants

It sounds like a cool psy-ants project

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lvlpg/scientists_are_testing_new_mind_reading_methods/
%
So a man and a woman are having a fight

A Man and a woman are having a fight. Woman marches up to their room and starts to pack her bags.  "Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm moving to Vegas.  i hear i can make $400 doing what i do for you for free"  the Man starts to pack his bags too.  "I'm coming with you. I've got to see how you're going to survive in Vegas on $800 a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lvjz9/so_a_man_and_a_woman_are_having_a_fight/
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My wife didn't believe me when i said I'd made a car from spaghetti

Should've seen her face when I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lvjjr/my_wife_didnt_believe_me_when_i_said_id_made_a/
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A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’

He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lvirq/a_guy_shows_up_late_for_work_the_boss_yells_you/
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(NSFW) Two good ol' country boys were on a long road trip...

...and a few days had gone by without much happening. They were driving down a long winding road with nothing but farms and trees. Suddenly the driver saw a sheep with its head caught in the fence. He quickly pulled over and said, "Man, I got to take a'vantage of this right here right quick!". So he jumped out of the car, walked over to the helpless sheep, pulled his pants down and started fucking the sheep as the passenger could only look on. Not long had passed until the driver finished, pulled his pants up and slapped the sheep on its ass before he walked back to the car.
A short awkward silence was interrupted by the passenger saying, "Hey man, y'think i could get me a piece a that?"
the driver says, "Sure bud! Go for it!"
So the passenger walks over to the fence, pulls his pants down and sticks his head in the fence...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lviis/nsfw_two_good_ol_country_boys_were_on_a_long_road/
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I said it once and I'll say it again

"It once"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lvh94/i_said_it_once_and_ill_say_it_again/
%
Is Google male or female?

Female, because it can't let you finish a sentence without providing several suggestions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lvdps/is_google_male_or_female/
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What the fuck would you say?

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now what the fuck would you say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lvboy/what_the_fuck_would_you_say/
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A farmer buys a rooster

A farmer has a few hens and decides to buy a rooster to help breed the population. After a few days of having this rooster, he walks to the chicken coop one day and sees the rooster fucking all the hens. "GODDAMN, that roosters gonna kill himself at the pace he's going!", the farmer says.
A few days later, the farmer walks out to check on his pigs. To his surprise, he finds that all the pigs are getting fucked by the rooster. GODDAMN, that rooster gonna kill himself!", and he walks away.
A week later and the farmer goes to check on his cows, and what do you know, this rooster is fucking all of the cows. "Well Goddamn, that rooster's gonna kill himself!", says the farmer and walks back into his house.
The next day, the farmer walks outside. Out of his peripheral vision he says a couple of birds circling above his head. He looks straight down and, sure enough, he sees his rooster, dead from exhaustion with its feet straight up in the air. The farmer says, "I knew he was gonna kill himself.". Just then, the rooster opens one eye and says, "SHHH, I think they're gonna land!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lvatl/a_farmer_buys_a_rooster/
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A zebra dies and goes to heaven...

At the gates he asks "Saint Peter, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes? This has bothered me my whole life!" Peter says "my oh my, child... I do not know. But I'm sure The Boss inside would know. Why don't you ask him yourself?" The zebra goes on in to speak with God with full delight to finally find out what he is. Later, Saint Peter comes by zebra with a long face and asks "What's wrong, zebra? You look sad, didn't God answer your question?" The zebra replied "Yes but I'm so confused! He said 'you are what you are, child." Saint Peter responds "Well that's obvious, zebra! You're a white horse with black stripes." Zebra, perplexed asks "how do you figure that!?" Peter responds "because, if you were a black zebra with white stripes He'd say 'you is what you is!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lv58k/a_zebra_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
Do you know why dead rednecks are so hard to identify?

Because there's no dental record and all their DNA is too similar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lv447/do_you_know_why_dead_rednecks_are_so_hard_to/
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I named my Christmas decoration made of $100 dollar bills

Aretha Franklin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lv0vr/i_named_my_christmas_decoration_made_of_100/
%
Three guys walk into a bar...

The fourth guy ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lv0sb/three_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
When the economy is good, people drink. When the economy is bad, people drink. The moral?

Invest in alcohol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6luymk/when_the_economy_is_good_people_drink_when_the/
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If Trump gets his wall he should do a State Farm commercial

Like a good neighbour stay over there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6luwv8/if_trump_gets_his_wall_he_should_do_a_state_farm/
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Girl, am I a loan offered to ppl with impeccable credit and a long history of timely payments?

Bc I have 0 interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6luwmp/girl_am_i_a_loan_offered_to_ppl_with_impeccable/
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I finally figured out how to get a smoking hot body

Cremation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6luvbx/i_finally_figured_out_how_to_get_a_smoking_hot/
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An English man, Irish man And Scottish man,

are all walking to work one day when they see a couple throw a 50 Pence coin into a lake.
As they walk closer the Irish man asks the other men "Why'd She Doo that ?"
The English man Tells him "If you make a wish and throw in a 50p, you get a wish"
"What Really!?" said the Irish man,
Both the other men nodded their heads and the 3 walked to work.
The next day, when walking to work the Irish man said " I've got to make a very important wish."
as they get to the lake, He stands there and asks "So do I just throw it?"
"yeh just chuck it" reply both men
The 2 men begin to walk off and look back to see what's taking him so long,
"why is he just stood there with his hand out?" said the Scot,
"I'm not too sure, but lets get a move on" replied the English man.
As they arrive at work the notice the Irish man still hasn't caught up,
The English man asked "Where is..?"  the Scot shook his head before letting him finish
"Not a clue"
As their shift comes to and end and they get their bags and start to walk back.
"He didn't even come in for his shift you know" Said the English man
"shit I hope hes okay" Replied the Scot
As they walk back they see him, Still on the bridge, With his hand out.
The Brit Screams at him "What the fuck are you doing?"
The Irish man Replies "I chucked in a £1 coin I'm waiting for me Change"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6luto8/an_english_man_irish_man_and_scottish_man/
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The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

Son: "Dad where did I come from?"
Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."
Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."
Dad: "I slipped in cider."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lusnr/the_apple_doesnt_fall_far_from_the_tree/
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Why is Korea the greenest county in the world?

It's full of Parks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lus29/why_is_korea_the_greenest_county_in_the_world/
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**NSFW** Little Johnny comes home from school one day

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and tells his dad, “Dad, some kids got into trouble for using bad words in class, but I don’t even know what they mean”.
“That’s OK Johnny, because I don’t want you using bad words anyway.”
“But Dad, can’t you tell me what they mean so I know why they got into trouble?”
“Alright, I tell you, but you have to promise me you’ll never use them.”
“I promise”.
“What were the words they used?”
Johnny replies, "*Pussy* and *Bitch*.”
“Well son, those are bad words. I tell you what they mean as long as you never use them.”
“OK.”
His dad explains, “You’ve seen your mother when she gets out of the shower? Well, that triangular area with hair between her legs, that’s Pussy.”
“Yeah,” replies Johnny.
“Everything around that,” continues his father, “that’s Bitch.”
---------

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6luqnx/nsfw_little_johnny_comes_home_from_school_one_day/
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How can you tell if a man hasn't gotten laid in a while?

He's wearing a wedding ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lum1s/how_can_you_tell_if_a_man_hasnt_gotten_laid_in_a/
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A barn worker tells his boss his parrot just died.

The owner of a farm gets back from a long trip and talks to one of his workers to see how things in the farm are going.
Worker: sir, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your parrot died.
Boss: Reall? What happened?
W: Well boss, he died in the fire.
B: In the fire? What fire?
W: Yeah well, we were in the barn and your horse kicked one of the candles, it fell down started a fire, and burned down the barn.
B: Ah? Why did you had candles in the barn in the first place?
W: Well, because of the burial boss, of course.
B: The burial? What burial?
W: The burial of your wife sir.
B: The burial of my wife?!?! what the hell happened to my wife?!?!?
W: Well, she got into the river and drowned sir.
B: She drowned?!?!?!? Why did she go into the river?!?
W: Yeah, she was trying to take corpses of your kids out of the water sir.
B: THE CORPSES OF MY KIDS?!?! WHAT THE HELL?!?! WHY DID´T YOU TELL ME ABOUT ALL OF THIS?!?!?!
W: Jeez boss! if I knew you were going to get this angry I would´t have told you about your parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lugup/a_barn_worker_tells_his_boss_his_parrot_just_died/
%
A friend of mine was given a new iwatch but he was suspicious someone was using it to spy on him.

Ever cautious he told me he likes to keep it at arms length.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6luf1s/a_friend_of_mine_was_given_a_new_iwatch_but_he/
%
My dog and I have one thing in common.

Neither one of us wants me to go to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6luczs/my_dog_and_i_have_one_thing_in_common/
%
An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, “Four.”
The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, “Four.”
The accountant was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked, “How much do you want it to be?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lub79/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_an_accountant_were/
%
Yeah, it's a math joke

17: Hey 11, want to hear a joke?
11: Sure.
17: What did one prime number say to the other prime number?
11: I give up.
17: "I can't even."
11 and 17 together: HAHAHA!!!!!
2: I don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lu9x2/yeah_its_a_math_joke/
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TIL that children that don't get vaccines are actually less likely to be autistic

Cause they're more likely to be dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lu9iv/til_that_children_that_dont_get_vaccines_are/
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I have sexdaily

Oh sorry, I meant dyslexia. Fcuk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lu830/i_have_sexdaily/
%
As a kid I was made to walk the plank...

We couldn't afford a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lu681/as_a_kid_i_was_made_to_walk_the_plank/
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[NSFW] What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly your dick into your girlfriend's ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lu573/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_jelly/
%
An idiot walks into a bar

and overhears the patrons in an excited hoo-hah over which among them was the luckiest.
One among them quieted all to say, "I met a beautiful woman last night!  Within hours, I took her back to my home and we did the nasty like old chums!"
The crowd applauded and agreed he was luckiest until another protested, "Ain't nothing!  My grandpa I haven't met since I was a wee man.  The old bugger, bless his soul, just won the lottery, croaked and left the fortune to me!"
The crowd decided this latter man was luckiest!  However, the idiot had to interrupt saying, "Fine.  Fine.  Good.  But I'm the luckiest person on God's green earth.  Yes I am.  I'm six months at a new job and I haven't been impeached."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lu4m2/an_idiot_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call an explosive monkey?

BA  BOOOON!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lu2nx/what_do_you_call_an_explosive_monkey/
%
My friend said that he was going to try online dating.

I said, "I didn't have much luck with it personally."
"But that's where *we* met," said my wife.
I said, "Exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lu20a/my_friend_said_that_he_was_going_to_try_online/
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What is Michael Jacksons favorite time of day?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lu06k/what_is_michael_jacksons_favorite_time_of_day/
%
A Captain walks into a Lesbian bar...

and asks the bartender
"is this place seamen friendly?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lu058/a_captain_walks_into_a_lesbian_bar/
%
Guys, if you get a digital rectal exam, you might feel like you're going to poop or going to orgasm.

You won't know whether you're coming or going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltwqy/guys_if_you_get_a_digital_rectal_exam_you_might/
%
A Pilot, a Scientist, a Preist and a Boy are on a plane...

The plane is going down fast, and there are only 3 parachutes.
The Pilot says, "I have a family with a wife, 3 wonderful kids and a grandchild on the way!"
So he takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The Scientist says, "I am the smartest man on earth! I have to live!"
So he grabs another parachute and jumps off the plane.
The Priest then turns to the boy and says, "Son, I have lived my life. You should take the last parachute."
The boy responds, "It's okay, we can both live!"
The priest asks, "How is that?"
"Because the smartest man on earth just jumped off the plane with my backpack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltuiu/a_pilot_a_scientist_a_preist_and_a_boy_are_on_a/
%
I've decided to take up meditation..

..at least it's better than sitting and doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltps4/ive_decided_to_take_up_meditation/
%
Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltplj/breaking_news_bill_gates_has_agreed_to_pay_for/
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What do you call a nosy pepper?

Jalapeno buisness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltp3r/what_do_you_call_a_nosy_pepper/
%
I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig ..

It's not a beautiful poem but it's really deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltorb/i_dig_she_dig_we_dig_he_dig_they_dig_you_dig/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltn4b/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
%
Dad : son, go get me some laundry soap.

Son : do u really need it now?
Dad : yes, you can say it's det-urgent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltn00/dad_son_go_get_me_some_laundry_soap/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltmjj/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Dogs can't read MRI's...

...but cats can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltkpv/dogs_cant_read_mris/
%
A woman is listening to the radio hears a news report. A man is driving down the freeway the wrong way...

...causing chaos for drivers. She anxiously rings her husband. "Honey are you on the freeway??" He replies angrily "yes!!! Why??!!"
"Be careful," she says "there's some moron driving the wrong way down the freeway!!".
Her husband replies angrily, "one moron??!! There's fucking hundreds of them!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltkbv/a_woman_is_listening_to_the_radio_hears_a_news/
%
A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar

And that was just the first guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltjxm/a_priest_a_paedophile_and_a_rapist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I told my commander that I'd like to be a sniper

But he told me it would be a long shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltfdh/i_told_my_commander_that_id_like_to_be_a_sniper/
%
How do you make the Iron Giant cry?

You wrap a Porsche Carrera GT around a lamp post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltdiq/how_do_you_make_the_iron_giant_cry/
%
I once read an article about how a midget got pickpocketed...

How could anyone stoop so low

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltd7r/i_once_read_an_article_about_how_a_midget_got/
%
Social Experiment

Me: "are you single?"
Girl : "What are you doing in my house?!"
Fucking feminists﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ltcus/social_experiment/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lt8kq/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
So a man really hated his cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lt8j4/so_a_man_really_hated_his_cat/
%
I'm so good at sleeping...

...I could do it with my eyes closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lt4fi/im_so_good_at_sleeping/
%
A guy wanted to join a Monastery..

And so, he was given a tour by the head monk.. "contrary to popular believe, we do not abstain from sex."
Saying that, the head monk lead him down a dungeon and open the first door, where there kneels 4 groups of 5 monks in a circle, all with their dicks pointing inward and a mouse running from one dick to another..
"What..?"
The head monk held up a finger for silence and lead him to the next room, where on 4 beds are 4 monk, each screwing a pretty gals.
"Every month, we do what you saw in the first room. Whomever dick the mouse stops at comes into this room for their physical release. We leave it to God to pick which dick the mice stop at."
"I see.."
Then the head monk lead him to another room and within, lies a monk, tied to a cross with a nail being driven through his foreskin.
"WHAT THE HELL!", the guy grabs his own groin in pain.. "the HELL is that.. ?"
The head monk looks at the guy calmly, "That's brother George. "
"and.. ??"
"...we found a piece of cheese hidden under his dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lt4b9/a_guy_wanted_to_join_a_monastery/
%
A man gets pulled over for speeding...

The office saunters up to his car and he rolls down the window.
"I've heard every excuse for speeding in the book. I bet you can't give me one I haven't heard. But if you do, I'll let you off with a warning."
The man replies.
"Well you see officer,  few years back my wife went and ran off with a state trooper."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well, when I saw your lights turn on I was afraid you fellas was coming to give her back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lt2rz/a_man_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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-Can I have a Kit Kat Chunky? -Sorry, we only have normal Kit Kat.

-That's what I asked for, fat f*ck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lt26p/can_i_have_a_kit_kat_chunky_sorry_we_only_have/
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You can call anyone 'Bro'.

But you can only call your close friends 'Bra' because you know they'll support you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lsztl/you_can_call_anyone_bro/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lsxx4/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
A wise man once said...

..."mom, I want some candies"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lstaj/a_wise_man_once_said/
%
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lsq8x/what_do_you_call_2000_mockingbirds/
%
I could see she was about to fold when I put my chips on the table…

"Move them," my wife said, "I'm doing laundry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lsq2z/i_could_see_she_was_about_to_fold_when_i_put_my/
%
There was once a thug who was in the scariest gang...

His original name was Con Dria, but soon he went by a different name in his gang. They called him Mighto, and he was the thug that did most of the crimes. From dealing drugs to robbing to Kidnapping. He did whatever was necessary to help out his gang.
However, after he accidentally ran over someone when he was on a race with his friend, he was charged with second degree murder. In the process of the crash the electric wire fell and zapped Mighto for 10 whole seconds.
After he was sent to prison, he could never drink water with his mouth. It would electrocute him because he was charged with so much electricity. Instead he had to steal straws to be able to drink. Eventually the prison guards just use him to charge their phones by putting the wire against his skin.
But the other people in the prison cells saw this and laughed at him. Until one day in the shower a man taunted him and pushed him. Mighto pushed him back and said "don't you know who I am?"
"I am Mighto Con Dria, the powerhouse of the cell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lsp5w/there_was_once_a_thug_who_was_in_the_scariest_gang/
%
I've been testing car emissions all day ...

I'm exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lsnt7/ive_been_testing_car_emissions_all_day/
%
What's the difference between a nazi and a basketball?

You're not supposed to kick the basketball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lseqn/whats_the_difference_between_a_nazi_and_a/
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lsc41/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was Soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lsbu0/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
%
A rich snail walks into a car dealership

The rich snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing Mercedes, Ferraris, Bugattis, and tons of other high end cars he decides on one.
So the rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships auto body guy and says "I want you to paint big S's all the this car, big S's on the front, the sides, the back, the top, big S's everywhere. The auto body guy tells him he can do it sure, but can't help to ask the snail why he wants big S's all over the car.
So the rich snail answers him "so when I fly past people on the highway, they point and say
"WOW! Look at that S Car Go!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lsa1f/a_rich_snail_walks_into_a_car_dealership/
%
You should never cheat on your wife,

if you love your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ls8wq/you_should_never_cheat_on_your_wife/
%
What did the skid mark say to the toilet bowl?

I'm gonna get pissed off in a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ls7o9/what_did_the_skid_mark_say_to_the_toilet_bowl/
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Rather than kill it, my girlfriend told me to catch this spider in our kitchen and take him out.

So I did. I got a big ol' jar and put it over him then slid an index card under and flipped. Apply lid to jar, phase one was complete.
Next step, take him out. I opened the door and went outside. I walked across my lawn to the street where my car was parked. I got in my car with my jar-spider and started it up. I decided to take the spider out to dinner at Beni-Hana. We chatted and had a lovely time honestly. I learned he was an adolescent, and I also discovered he lost both parents at a young age to a brutal double homicide, their landlords had stepped on them when they were on a family trip across the house, and since then this spiders been trying to survive and lead a happy life. I asked what he wants to be when he gets older and I was suddenly so inspired, I couldn't help but feel touched.
He wanted to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ls1kz/rather_than_kill_it_my_girlfriend_told_me_to/
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My wife just gave birth to our son on an aeroplane!

He was airborne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lrzq5/my_wife_just_gave_birth_to_our_son_on_an_aeroplane/
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The Man Who Could Fart "The Star-Spangled Banner."

A guy walks into a bar and, after a few drinks, admits to the other patrons that he has a secret talent.  Specifically, that he is able to fart a pitch perfect rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner."
The crowd laughs at this but the bartender seems intrigued.
"Okay," he says, "If you can hop up on this bar right now and fart the "Star-Spangled Banner" you can drink for free tonight."
The man readily agrees and hops up from his stool and climbs up on top of the bar.  The crowd quiets down immediately and everyone stops what they're doing to watch.
The drunk man cracks his fingers, flexes his arms, and then immediately pulls his pants down as the foulest, smelliest stream of diarrhea violently erupts from his ass and sprays all over the bar, several patrons, and the bartender.
In shock, the bartender screams "What the hell did you do that for?"
The drunk man just shrugs and says "Hey, even Justin Timberlake has to clear his throat before he starts one of his songs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lrygu/the_man_who_could_fart_the_starspangled_banner/
%
A guy is on a trip on a small airline.

The stewardess says, “Would you like dinner?”
He says, “What are my choices?”
She says, “Yes or no.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lrxvc/a_guy_is_on_a_trip_on_a_small_airline/
%
I slipped and fell on black ice.

I thought it was regular ice but when i got up my wallet was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lrnk2/i_slipped_and_fell_on_black_ice/
%
Hey babe are you an angel?

Because I'm allergic to feathers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lrms1/hey_babe_are_you_an_angel/
%
I threw a boomerang a few years ago

Now I live in constant fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lriub/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
%
Three kids are in a park with their father

The first child approaches the father and asks,
"Dad, why am I named Dandy?"
Father responds,
"Because a dandelion fell on your head when you were born."
Second kid comes up and asks
"Dad, why am I named Rose?"
Dad responds,
"Because a rose fell on your head when you were born."
Third kid runs up screaming,
"HRJSOAOSBRBRJFIDISOSBBPPPBFFFSSSS"
Dad gets up and shouts at the third one, causing a scene,
"SHUT UP BRICK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lrigf/three_kids_are_in_a_park_with_their_father/
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How do you win a fight to the death against The Rock?

Use paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lri8u/how_do_you_win_a_fight_to_the_death_against_the/
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lrhu7/two_men_were_sitting_next_to_each_other_at_a_bar/
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Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

because if they had 4 doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lrhhw/why_do_chicken_coops_only_have_two_doors/
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How many times do you butter your bread?

Two friends went to a club and brought girls back to their place. They made a pact that during the breakfast they will tell each other how many times did they fuck their date. They realized that talking about it would be weird in front of the girls. So they decided, that the number of times they will butter the bread would be the number of times they fucked.
When they met for the breakfast, the first friend took a slice of bread and buttered it four times. The second friend was impressed and picked another slice. He buttered it three times.
As the first friend felt proud of his achievement, the second friend flipped the bread and buttered it two more times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lrguq/how_many_times_do_you_butter_your_bread/
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

They are really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lrgia/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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A guy is late to an important meeting

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lrf7v/a_guy_is_late_to_an_important_meeting/
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After a disaster only four people on earth were left alive, a lesbian, a gay, transgender and the straightest guy possible.

They wish if only they could get bi somehow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lrend/after_a_disaster_only_four_people_on_earth_were/
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What do caviar and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both come on little crackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lredk/what_do_caviar_and_michael_jackson_have_in_common/
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Jesus crosses the desert...

at a certain point he meets an old man. Jesus says "old man, what are you doing in the middle of the desert, all on your own?"
The old man answers "well, I have lost my son and I'm looking for him".
To this Jesus replies "I would like to help you, does your son have any special signs?"
The eyes of the old man light up and he shouts "yes!", indicating at his hands he says "he has holes in his hands and feet!"
Jesus looks at the old man, falls on his knees and with tears in his eyes cries out "father!!!"
The old man steps closer, embraces him and softly says "Pinocchio!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lre30/jesus_crosses_the_desert/
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Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty

Me: What!? No pizza? No burgers?
Doctor: No fatty, just don't eat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lr7lg/doctor_dont_eat_anything_fatty/
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You're the only person to be jealous of Two-Face

Because at least half his face is normal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lr5wg/youre_the_only_person_to_be_jealous_of_twoface/
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I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lr5j7/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
What is a pirate's favourite letter?

Dear xxxxxxxxx
Your internet service has not been terminated for copyright infringement due to a lack of evidence.
Sincerely xxxxxxxx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lr579/what_is_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
%
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead...[long]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are traveling through the desert when their car suddenly stalls.
They all get out of the car and, upon realizing that its not going to start, they each take one thing from the car. The brunette takes a bottle of water and the redhead takes a bag of food. The blonde gets some tools from the trunk, removes a door from the car and takes the door with her.
They begin to walk through the desert, and soon stop to rest. At this point the blonde and the brunette turn to the redhead and ask her why she brought the food. She replies, "Well, in case I get hungry Ill have something to eat." They all think this is pretty reasonable.
Then the redhead and the blonde turn to the brunette and ask her why she decided to bring water. The brunette replies, "Well, in case I got thirsty Ill have something to drink." They all decide thats a good idea, too.
Finally, the brunette and the redhead turn to the blonde and ask her why on earth she would take the car door. She replies, "Well, I thought if I got hot I could roll down the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lr3re/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redheadlong/
%
I like my blacks how I like my egg yolks

Beaten and separated from the whites

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lr1rq/i_like_my_blacks_how_i_like_my_egg_yolks/
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What do you get when you fuse a short man and a tall woman?

Your medical licence revoked, sicko.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqzaf/what_do_you_get_when_you_fuse_a_short_man_and_a/
%
My little brother just threw a milk carton at me.

What the fuck how dairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqyzr/my_little_brother_just_threw_a_milk_carton_at_me/
%
RIP, boiled water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqxsa/rip_boiled_water/
%
My cat, Schrodinger went missing

I don't know if she is dead or alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqv4d/my_cat_schrodinger_went_missing/
%
What does a woman not want to hear when making love?

Honey I'm home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lque8/what_does_a_woman_not_want_to_hear_when_making/
%
A man goes to a dress up party with a woman tied to his back.

Someones asks him "why the hell is there a woman tied to your back?
The man replies "I'm suppose to be a turtle... this is Michelle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqtpi/a_man_goes_to_a_dress_up_party_with_a_woman_tied/
%
What do you call a good looking woman in Germany?

a tourist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqsaa/what_do_you_call_a_good_looking_woman_in_germany/
%
Did you hear about the man taking liquid Viagra?

He accidentally took Liquid Paper, when he woke up he had a massive correction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqr97/did_you_hear_about_the_man_taking_liquid_viagra/
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So i tried reddit's advice and ate a kiwi without taking the skin off.

It was good. Kept getting feathers stuck in my teeth though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqqlt/so_i_tried_reddits_advice_and_ate_a_kiwi_without/
%
What do you call a gay guy in a house with no one else?

Homolone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqqlo/what_do_you_call_a_gay_guy_in_a_house_with_no_one/
%
A man called the police to report a burglar

in his back yard shed.  The dispatcher responded "we don't have anyone available right now but when some one is free, we'll send them your way" and then they hung up.
The man waited 5 minutes and called back.  "Hi.  I called earlier about the burglar in my back yard shed.  Well...you don't need to send anyone; I shot the guy."
Within 5 minutes 6 police cars arrived with a helicopter overhead to find the man sitting on his back porch - unarmed. A quick sweep of the property turned up the burglar who was hiding near the shed; he was promptly arrested.
The sergeant walked over to the home owner and said "Sir, I thought you said you shot him?" to which the man replied...
"I thought you all didn't have anyone available"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqp8d/a_man_called_the_police_to_report_a_burglar/
%
There's this new cryptocurrency called Decibel. You just yell in your microphone to get money...

It's a sound investment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqltr/theres_this_new_cryptocurrency_called_decibel_you/
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What do a G-string and a barbed wire fence have in common?

They both run along the property line without distracting from the view.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqimu/what_do_a_gstring_and_a_barbed_wire_fence_have_in/
%
How does the Navy separate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqim0/how_does_the_navy_separate_the_men_from_the_boys/
%
A guy walks into a bakery

He buys bread, and the baker asks if he'd like his bread bagged in paper or plastic. The guy replies, "Baguette however you want".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqdex/a_guy_walks_into_a_bakery/
%
A physicist insisted on his wife giving birth on a hot air balloon.

When his son turned out to be a shame on the family, he told him: "You had so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqctm/a_physicist_insisted_on_his_wife_giving_birth_on/
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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqcr3/which_one_doesnt_belong_eggs_your_wife_or_a_blow/
%
How does Davey Crockett take his pie?

Alamo'ed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqbru/how_does_davey_crockett_take_his_pie/
%
My neighbors knocked on my door at 3 am the other day. The nerve of them.

Lucky I was up playing the drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lqao8/my_neighbors_knocked_on_my_door_at_3_am_the_other/
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Polish joke

A nurse is checking up on the patients in a mental asylum. She asks the first patient, "What is 2+2?"
"3,942,304" He answers, disappointing the nurse.
"What is 2+2?" She asks the next patient.
"Thursday." He answers confidently
She sighs and moves on to the next person.
"What is 2+2?"
"4"
"Wow!" she exclaims. "How'd you find that out?"
"I divided 3,942,304 by Thursday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lq50i/polish_joke/
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What do you call a duck with a drug addiction?

A quack addict.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lq4z6/what_do_you_call_a_duck_with_a_drug_addiction/
%
When daughter told me she prefers white rice over brown rice I was extremely disappointed.

I didn't raise her to be a rice-ist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lq4mq/when_daughter_told_me_she_prefers_white_rice_over/
%
A short armless man comes to the priest of a small town and asks to be the church bell-ringer...

The priest is surprised, and says,
"Well, I do need a new person to ring the bells, but, well, you have no arms man! The bell is huge, its size is the one record this town holds. The last guy to do it weighed 400 pounds, and even *he* had a hard time ringing the bell. Not to mention, you couldn't grab rope you must pull to make the bell ring. I'm sure I can find a way for you to help the church, but I don't think there's any way you can be the bell ringer."
To this, the armless man smiles and says "Oh don't worry, i have a special technique, I've done this countless times. And while I've never seen a bell that big, I'm sure it will work if you give me a chance to show you."
Intrigued by this, the priest allows the armless man to see if he can ring the bell. They reach the top of the church, where the bell rests, and the priest goes,
"Alright, I don't think you can do it, but if you can make that bell ring I'll give you the position on the spot"
When he says this, the armless man gets excited, he says
"watch this"
and charges headfirst at incredible speed straight at the bell. When his head hits the well polished side, the priest is amazed. The bell swings out and makes a loud 'GONG' sound. The armless man, also excited, turns and says,
"see, I to-"
Just then, the bell comes swinging back, and knocks the armless man off the side of the church. He lands with a sickening *smack* and doesn't move.
The priest, horrified of what accusations might be made, immediately runs down and hides the body in the church before anyone could see what happened. Several days pass uneventfully, but eventually several men come knocking on the priests door. When he greets them they immediately show him a sketch of the armless man. They ask,
"Do you know this man?"
The priest nervously responds,
"No, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lq38n/a_short_armless_man_comes_to_the_priest_of_a/
%
I've got a horse named Mayo

Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lpznd/ive_got_a_horse_named_mayo/
%
What state wears glasses?

Mississippi, because it has four eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lpymt/what_state_wears_glasses/
%
When my blonde girlfriend heard the Russians meddled in 2016, she turned to me and said...

"Well I hope they got the bronze."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lpwgt/when_my_blonde_girlfriend_heard_the_russians/
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A man sits down at the bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey.

Bartender pours them, and watches as the man downs them in rapid succession.
"Rough night?" The bartender asks.
"My first blowjob" the man replies.
The bartender, excited for the gentleman, exclaims "Hell that's something to celebrate, have another shot on me!"
As he pours, the man replies "that's ok. If the first 5 didn't get rid of the taste, that one probably won't either..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lpw39/a_man_sits_down_at_the_bar_and_orders_5_shots_of/
%
A Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand

He says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor says "That'll be three fiddy" so the monk hands him a five, and gets his hot dog in return, but no change. "where's my change?" asks the monk and the hot dog vendor says
"Change comes from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lpuqb/a_buddhist_monk_goes_to_a_hot_dog_stand/
%
The night before Christmas, a man steps into a pet store to buy his daughter a Christmas present.

An employee spots him walking around and asks if he can help.
"I want to buy my daughter a present for Christmas, but I have no idea what to get her. Do you have any pets that do tricks?"
"Follow me, " the employee says. They walk to one section with several birds, and stop in front of one cage.
"This parrot's name is Chester," the employee says, "but we all call him Chest for short."
"What tricks does he do?" the man asks.
"He sings Christmas carols. If you light a match next to his left leg, he sings 'Jingle Bells'. If you light a match next to his right leg, he sings 'Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.'"
"What does he sing if you light a match between his legs?" the man asks.
"I don't know. We've never done that," the employee answers. He takes a match out and lights it between the bird's legs. The bird immediately sings "Chest Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lpuk7/the_night_before_christmas_a_man_steps_into_a_pet/
%
Bird Impressions

A man goes to the circus and tells the talent recruiter that he would like to apply for a position.  The recruiter asks what his talents are, and the man replies that he does amazing bird impressions.  The recruiter tells the man he's seen a million bird impressions and is not interested.  The man says, "that's too bad" and flies away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lpryr/bird_impressions/
%
[NSFW] [long] 3 dudes are lost in the desert

After weeks of dwindling supplies and failing hopes, they happened upon a luxurious tent. They were afraid, because their hunger had driven them to near madness. Sensing their apprehension, the eldest man says to the others,"I'll go check it out. Stay back."
The two younger men hang back and watch the oldest disappear behind the door.
On the tent floor sat an eleven hundred pound woman. Her eyes were sunken and nearly hidden behind an overhanging forehead. She lifted the folds of puffy skin away from her eyes and stared at the intruder. "You want food," she grunted, somewhat halfheartedly, motioning to the piles of assorted exotic delicacies surrounding her reinforced frame.
"Ma'am, my friends and I have been wandering the desert for too long and have exhausted our supplies. We really need food and water--"
"Look, You can have all the food you want, but someone is gonna fuck me for it. All. Night. Long."
The elder weighed his options; the sun was cruel and had already diminished his group, but was death worse than this? All night wasn't forever. He decided to bite the bullet. "Okay. I'll do it. I'll fuck you."
He peeled away the layers of clothing to reveal a massive scab covering her vagina. Determined to save himself and his friends, he ripped the clot of dried blood, dead skin, and sweat away, threw it out the door, got down to business, and fucked her all night long.
The following morning, exhausted, ashamed, and famished, the elder stepped outside the tent to welcome his friends inside for breakfast. "Let's go. Food inside," he said weakly.
The youngest responded,"Nah, man. We're good. We're still full from that pizza you tossed out after midnight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lpje5/nsfw_long_3_dudes_are_lost_in_the_desert/
%
Why did the riot police like to leave for work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lpict/why_did_the_riot_police_like_to_leave_for_work/
%
A man takes his dog to a talent agent

A man and a dog meet with a talent agent.
Man: My dog here is able to talk.
Talent Agent: Ok I'm interested.  Make him say something.
Man: Ok boy, what is on top of a house?
Dog: Roof!
Man: What is on the outside of trees?
Dog: Bark!
Man: Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?
Dog: Ruth!
Talent Agent: I've seen enough of this.
The talent agent throws them out of his office where the man and his dog land in the gutter.  Then the dog turns to his master and says, "maybe I should've said DiMaggio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lpgyu/a_man_takes_his_dog_to_a_talent_agent/
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A cow recently submitted a two word theater review...

"Udderly Mooving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lp9c9/a_cow_recently_submitted_a_two_word_theater_review/
%
What does the evil optometrist say?

"you'll see. You'll all see! Muahahahaha!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lp8ih/what_does_the_evil_optometrist_say/
%
Two fish in a tank

One fish looks over at the other and says "Can you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lp2ll/two_fish_in_a_tank/
%
friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream more from sex.

The next day the first one said "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for 2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, then I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she's still screaming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lp2cx/friends_bet_each_other_100_who_could_make_their/
%
A feminist once asked me...

"What's your view on lesbians?"
I said, "1080p."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lp1b8/a_feminist_once_asked_me/
%
I made one little mistake 8 years ago and my wife still won't let it go.

She always forces me to go back to the park and pick him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6loy8p/i_made_one_little_mistake_8_years_ago_and_my_wife/
%
I was always told whoever gets caught with their dick in a peanut butter jar is...

F*cking nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6loulv/i_was_always_told_whoever_gets_caught_with_their/
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Do It One More Time

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?"
She says, "Of course, dear. "And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?"
At this point, the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning, you don't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lotub/do_it_one_more_time/
%
My wife yelled at me today "You weren't even listening to me just now!"

I thought "what a weird way to start a new conversation..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lolii/my_wife_yelled_at_me_today_you_werent_even/
%
How can you tell the difference between a golfer and somebody suicidal?

One of them is happy to get a stroke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lohrq/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_golfer/
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Michael Jackson did a moonwalk. What does Jay-Z do?

Jay-walks of course

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6loga0/michael_jackson_did_a_moonwalk_what_does_jayz_do/
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A boy is staying at his grandparent's house

for the weekend. On the first day, he walks past the grandpa carrying duct tape.
"Why do you have duct tape?" Asked the grandpa.
"I'm going to catch Ducks with it!" Said the boy.
"You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Said the grandpa, as the boy walks away. But sure enough, the boy returns with multiple ducks on a strip of duct tape. The next day, the boy walks past the grandpa again, this time holding chicken wire.
"What are you doing with that chicken wire?" Said the grandpa.
"I'm going to catch chickens with it!" Said the boy.
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Said the grandpa. Again, the boy returned with a bunch of chickens tangled in the wire.
The next day, the boy walks past his grandpa again, this time holding pussy willows.
"Let me go get my hat" said the Grandpa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lofn4/a_boy_is_staying_at_his_grandparents_house/
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A woman buys a frog

A woman goes to a pet store and is browsing the creatures. The owner approaches her, "Ma'am, are you looking for anything in particular?"
The woman nods her head and says that she was searching for an animal to pleasure herself with.
The owner smiles, "Of course!"
He takes her to the back of the shop and shows her a frog. "All you have to do is say eat, and the frog will help you with your desires."
The woman, absolutely ecstatic, goes home immediately, spreads her legs on the bed, she takes the frog and put it in front of her pink. "Eat." The frog stares at it motionless. "Eat!" Still, the frog did nothing.
The next day she took the frog back to the owner and tells him that the frog refused to eat her out. The owner looks the frog in the eye and says, "Alright, but this is the last time I'm going to show you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lof05/a_woman_buys_a_frog/
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There was once a man...

There was once a man who drank a lot. His wife told him "if you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you". He went out to a pub and drank alot and was sick all over his shirt, and said to his friend "If I go home like this my wife will leave me". His friend said "I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill.".
He goes home and his wife's angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving but he says "No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill". His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money, she said "Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?", he said "Oh the other is from the man who shat in my pants".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6locrk/there_was_once_a_man/
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Why do girls always hangout in odd numbers?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lobh6/why_do_girls_always_hangout_in_odd_numbers/
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What do you get when you cross a hooker and a genius?

A fucking know it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lo9ji/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_hooker_and_a/
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I know The Little Mermaid's breast size.

It's obvious. She's wearing C-shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lo8pv/i_know_the_little_mermaids_breast_size/
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I worked on a farm for 5 years so I used FarmersOnly.com pretty frequently

You didn't even need a pickup line, just a pickup truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lo6hf/i_worked_on_a_farm_for_5_years_so_i_used/
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A pessimist finished building a majestic slide.

"Things can only go downhill from here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lo3kt/a_pessimist_finished_building_a_majestic_slide/
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Irishman and Pints of Guinness

An Irishman walks into a bar in London, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
“You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it,” the bartender tells him, “and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I ‘ave two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m ‘ere in London. When we all left home, we promised we’d always drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for meself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and gives him his three pints.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them all together, one sip each.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife ‘ad us join that Baptist Church and I ‘ad to quit drinking. ‘asn’t affected me brothers though.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lo234/irishman_and_pints_of_guinness/
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A friend of mine opened a trampoline business in Prague.

I asked him how sales were and said "Well, the Czechs keep bouncing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lo07u/a_friend_of_mine_opened_a_trampoline_business_in/
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Remember: Alcohol and Calculus Don't Mix

Never drink and derive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lnvoz/remember_alcohol_and_calculus_dont_mix/
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How did the hamburger introduce his daughter?

Meet Patty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lno7u/how_did_the_hamburger_introduce_his_daughter/
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I, for one, like Roman numerals,

Or the number of days it's been since someone has reposted this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lnlo3/i_for_one_like_roman_numerals/
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Cat

A man who lived at home with his grand ma and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to tell him of any emergencies.
A few days into his trip, his cat slipped while climbing the roof, fell off and died. His friend immediately texts him with the message: “Your cat died!”
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief. When he saw his friend he yelled at him, “Why didn’t you break the news to me slowly? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’, and the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down gradually that he died.”
After a quick memorial service, the man left again to continue his trip. A few days later he gets a text from his friend. It read, “Your grand ma climbed up on the roof today.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lnjqd/cat/
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I like to spoil the plot of Peter Pan for people.

Never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lnido/i_like_to_spoil_the_plot_of_peter_pan_for_people/
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Do you know what really gets my goat?

Foxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lng7l/do_you_know_what_really_gets_my_goat/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

I don't like coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lnck1/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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There are 2 types of r/Jokes members

ones who steal jokes, and dirty fucking liars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lnc4e/there_are_2_types_of_rjokes_members/
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Having sex with 6 women sounds overwhelming.

Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lnbkf/having_sex_with_6_women_sounds_overwhelming/
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My friend says he has the body of a Greek God

I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ln908/my_friend_says_he_has_the_body_of_a_greek_god/
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How do people in Prague solve Algebra equations?

Guess and Czech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ln8ct/how_do_people_in_prague_solve_algebra_equations/
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Always choose a girl for her personality

They have like 10 so you can choose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ln6e7/always_choose_a_girl_for_her_personality/
%
Victoria's Secret

A guy walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks ( she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ln0at/victorias_secret/
%
I bought a wooden whistle

BUT IT WOODEN WHISTLE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lmx7b/i_bought_a_wooden_whistle/
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I asked the banker to check my balance.

He pushed me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lmwq6/i_asked_the_banker_to_check_my_balance/
%
I don't have a lot of great things to say about Switzerland

But their flag is a huge plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lmqad/i_dont_have_a_lot_of_great_things_to_say_about/
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Dimes [Long] [NSFW]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all dimes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lmmqb/dimes_long_nsfw/
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Why do hillbillies like sandwiches?

They're in bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lmmm5/why_do_hillbillies_like_sandwiches/
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Why DIDN'T the toilet paper cross the road?

It was stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lmmm1/why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lmmbj/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/
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Your mother is so fat that she fell into deep depression

and she broke it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lmjz7/your_mother_is_so_fat_that_she_fell_into_deep/
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Did you hear about the politician who sold American weed to Russian spies?

He was convicted of high treason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lmjyn/did_you_hear_about_the_politician_who_sold/
%
Little Johnny is in math class one day.

The teacher goes up to him and asks him, "If there were 4 birds on a fence and you shot one, how many would be left?"
Johnny responds, "Well, probably none. The rest would fly away."
The teacher chuckles and says, "Well, technically 3, but I like the way you're thinking."
Johnny responds, "Well I have a question for you. Three women are eating ice cream cones. One is sucking the ice cream, one is licking the ice cream, and one is biting the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, surprised, responds with, "Well, probably the one sucking the ice cream."
This time, Johnny chuckles, then says, "Well, no, the one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lmcis/little_johnny_is_in_math_class_one_day/
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Always get a better health plan people..

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating."Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly.""Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lm9ky/always_get_a_better_health_plan_people/
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A joke a Polish colleague just told me.

When a Polish man is tasked with killing a German and a Russian, he is asked who he will kill first.
The answer is first the German, after the Russian.
When asking for an explanation, he says 'Duty comes first, pleasure comes after'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lm857/a_joke_a_polish_colleague_just_told_me/
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Usain Bolt

Why can't usain bolt listen to music?
- Because he broke the record!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lm6rt/usain_bolt/
%
Did you hear Paul walker had terrible dandruff before he died?

Nobody knew, until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lm5k1/did_you_hear_paul_walker_had_terrible_dandruff/
%
Auctioning Dicks and Cunts

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.
"Husband : "How about the ones like mine?
"Wife : "Those they gave away.
"Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.
"Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?
"Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lm5ig/auctioning_dicks_and_cunts/
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What's the difference between In-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lm45i/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
So I met this nice girl the other day

She said, she's gonna call me after work -- poor girl... She's been working for 72h now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lm33r/so_i_met_this_nice_girl_the_other_day/
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What did the Python say when he came out of his shell?

Print("Hello World!")

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lm2gp/what_did_the_python_say_when_he_came_out_of_his/
%
Everything is bigger in Texas

A guy in Canada hears the saying' "Everything is bigger in Texas" and decides to drive down there and find out if it's true.  He takes the first exit he finds after crossing the border and goes inside the nearest fast food restaurant.  He orders a small French fries and small cola.  The cashier hands him a 64 oz. bladder buster full of cola and an entire tray piled high with French fries.  The Canadian says, "But I order a small fries and drink!"  The cashier replies, "Everything is bigger in Texas."  So the Canadian drives on down the road a little further until he is tired and finds a hotel.  He decides to go visit the hotel bar and asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey.  The bartender pours him a giant beer mug full of whiskey.  The Canadian says, "But I only ordered a shot of whiskey!"  The bartender replies, "Everything is bigger in Texas."  So the Canadian dutifully begins drinking the mug of whiskey and consequently becoming extraordinarily drunk.  Eventually nature calls and the Canadian sloppily asks the bartender, "Where doooooouh Iaaahh find the bafroom?"   The bartender says, "Go through that door.  Take a left and two rights and you'll be right there."  However, the Canadian being impaired, takes a right and two left turns and wanders into the pool area where he accidentally falls into the water.  He bursts to the surface yelling with panic, "Don't flush!  don't flush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lm10i/everything_is_bigger_in_texas/
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My neighbors are listening to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lm0x1/my_neighbors_are_listening_to_great_music/
%
Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6llzl8/mahatma_gandhi_was_a_strange_person/
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What do Winnie The Pooh and Jack The Ripper have in common?

The same middle name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6llvxr/what_do_winnie_the_pooh_and_jack_the_ripper_have/
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Cat ownership is like the economy

50% of cats are owned by the top 1% of cat lovers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lluo6/cat_ownership_is_like_the_economy/
%
I met a girl from Alabama and I almost married her

But I figured if she wasn't good enough for her family she wasn't good enough for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6llskf/i_met_a_girl_from_alabama_and_i_almost_married_her/
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What do you call a pencil super-glued to the floor?

Stationary stationery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6llsd3/what_do_you_call_a_pencil_superglued_to_the_floor/
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A colleague asked me what my plans were for tonight.

I said, "Home alone for a wank."
Laughing, he asked, "Aren't you married?"
"I am," I replied. "But Macauley Culkin really does it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6llq0z/a_colleague_asked_me_what_my_plans_were_for/
%
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left hand was cut off?

He's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6llpt8/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whose_whole_left_hand/
%
Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss got fed up of his being late always and so threatened to fire him if he didn't get his act together.
So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.
Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two hours. So he fixed himself a nice breakfast and drove happily to work, in plenty of time for the start of the work day.
When he got there, he said, "Boss, that pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"
His boss said, "That's great, but where were you yesterday?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6llnx7/bill_struggled_to_get_up_early_in_the_morning_and/
%
My friend's nanotechnology company is doing really well.

In fact, it's doing so well that he's considering moving to smaller premises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6llmoj/my_friends_nanotechnology_company_is_doing_really/
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What do you call a skinny Muslim

A muSLIM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lllo6/what_do_you_call_a_skinny_muslim/
%
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6llkpf/80000_blondes_meet_in_a_football_stadium_for_a/
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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lljwc/told_my_wife_i_was_so_stressed_that_only_a/
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Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lljfd/obama_smoked_weed_growing_up_and_now_look_where/
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What did the Tomato say to his family crossing the road

Catch-up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6llgqq/what_did_the_tomato_say_to_his_family_crossing/
%
I bought 10 litres of Tippex the other day

Huge mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6llfqg/i_bought_10_litres_of_tippex_the_other_day/
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The Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "Seniors" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, "notice anything  different about me?"
Bessie looks up from her knitting and gives him a once over before saying, "Nope."
Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"
Bessie sighs, folds her knitting across her lap and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies with a cat-like grin, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Ya shoulda bought a "hat".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lldca/the_cowboy_boots/
%
What do you call a singing laptop?

A dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ll9dv/what_do_you_call_a_singing_laptop/
%
What is Hitler's most hated drink?

Jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ll7p5/what_is_hitlers_most_hated_drink/
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Two blondes get stuck in elevator

One of them starts yelling: HELP, HEEEELP
The other one then suggests: Maybe we should start yelling together
The first blonde starts yelling again: TOGETHER, TOGETHEEEEER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ll4cw/two_blondes_get_stuck_in_elevator/
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[NSFW] What would a protagonist of a Teletubbies porn parody be called?

Thiccy Diccy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ll45h/nsfw_what_would_a_protagonist_of_a_teletubbies/
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Who will take over after Kim Jong-un?

His next of Kim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ll2j4/who_will_take_over_after_kim_jongun/
%
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today

but I couldn't find it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ll0iz/i_was_going_to_wear_my_camouflage_shirt_today/
%
My band is called Bipolar

We play mood swing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ll003/my_band_is_called_bipolar/
%
There was a seminar last night on how to withhold orgasms.

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lkz33/there_was_a_seminar_last_night_on_how_to_withhold/
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Why is the army so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lky4a/why_is_the_army_so_strict_about_their_uniforms/
%
I do not like computer jokes...

Not one bit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lkxtu/i_do_not_like_computer_jokes/
%
Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

I nearly answered him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lkxkk/somebody_said_today_that_im_lazy/
%
An English man, An Irish man and a Scotish man.

An English man, An Irish man, and a Scotish man are sick to death for working on the same building site for years now.
The English man Says "Here look at this" pointing at a newspaper ad "Join the Secret service today."
"not very Secret then," says the Irish man.
"no ya goon it's like a Secret agent, James Bond, 007 Licence to kill," Says the Scottish man.
The 3 men agree to all try out for the role and skip work the next day, they meet at the site and pass all the Physical Challenges set they now wait in a lounge for the last test.
The English man gets called in first,
"Alright bill you passed the Physical, now we have 1 last test for you, we want you to go in there and prove your loyalty to the Service, We have your kids and wife sat down, here is a gun go shoot them."
The Englishman looks at the gun for a few seconds.
"You're mad, I won't go in there and kill my family, not for anyone"
"Very well bill, we are sorry to of wasted your time,"
"Next!", in comes the Scottish man, he gets slightly further, in the room he goes, about 2 minutes later he comes out crying,
"I...I couldn't do it I'm sorry, I'm not that kind of man."
Finally, Irish Paddy comes in, " okay now Paddy, you've got to take this gun and kill your wife to prove to us you are loyal"
Paddy agrees and takes the gun,
3 minutes later the men outside hear a loud Scream and outcomes paddy covered in blood,
"Woo, Paddy What the fuck happened!?"
"your bloody gun! it didn't have any bullets in so I had to beat her to death"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lkuf7/an_english_man_an_irish_man_and_a_scotish_man/
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I went to the bathroom, and couldn't remember why I went

So I'm standing there in the bathroom, and I think, hmm, maybe I needed to use the toilet.
I use the toilet, but, no, that wasn't why I went to the bathroom.
So then I see my toothbrush, and I think, well, I'm here, I might as well brush my teeth. I brush and floss my teeth, and no, that's not why I went here either.
While I'm there, I shaved, but no, that's not why I came into the bathroom.
I heard a tip that if you can't remember what you were doing, go to where you originally were, and there might be something that jogs your memory. So I go back to the living room, and yes, the trick worked! I remembered why I wanted to go to the bathroom! Uncle Joe was having a heart attack, I was getting the thrombolytics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lku7x/i_went_to_the_bathroom_and_couldnt_remember_why_i/
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My favourite exercise

is a cross between a crunch and a lunge... it's called lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lktp7/my_favourite_exercise/
%
Today I decided to take the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him move faster...

If anything he seems more sluggish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lkrb8/today_i_decided_to_take_the_shell_off_my_racing/
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I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson…

He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.”
I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lklq6/i_told_my_son_i_was_named_after_thomas_jefferson/
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I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy...

and my face smashes right into the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lkjqg/i_hate_it_when_i_go_to_hug_someone_really_sexy/
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If I had a nickel every time I masterbated...

I'd have a jar of sticky nickels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lkjbd/if_i_had_a_nickel_every_time_i_masterbated/
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My last few relationships have drained the life from me.

I'm something of a tick magnet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lkhtq/my_last_few_relationships_have_drained_the_life/
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What do you call two guys sitting on a Window Sill?

Kurt n Rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lkgwk/what_do_you_call_two_guys_sitting_on_a_window_sill/
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What do you call a lying cow?

A bluffalo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lkd58/what_do_you_call_a_lying_cow/
%
My plastic surgeon didn't even recognize me after the surgery

I guess he's just terrible with faces

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lkch3/my_plastic_surgeon_didnt_even_recognize_me_after/
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Learning to pick locks

really opened a lot of doors for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lk57t/learning_to_pick_locks/
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I don't always post something witty and amusing

.....but when I do, I probably stole it from someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lk521/i_dont_always_post_something_witty_and_amusing/
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Little Totos and his father.

One day little Totos returning home after school, found his dog dead on the lawn with its feet up in the air. "Dad why did the dog die with his feet up in the air" said Totos, "That's because its easier for god to come and take him" his father replied. The other day when his father returned home from work Totos run to him and said with teary eyes "dad, mom almost died today", "what do you mean" his father said, "she was in your room with her legs up in the air and she was screaming Jesus am coming am coming, thank god our gardener was there and saved her"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lk2pl/little_totos_and_his_father/
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The worst part of gay couples adopting kids

The adopted kids will either get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of go ask your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ljx3b/the_worst_part_of_gay_couples_adopting_kids/
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To whoever stole my AC window unit:

Keep it. It's hot where you're going

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ljwem/to_whoever_stole_my_ac_window_unit/
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If you're a hydrophiliac...

Does that mean water makes you wet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lju23/if_youre_a_hydrophiliac/
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I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...

But graphing is where I draw the line!
Actually, graphing is fine, but calculus is my limit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ljt2a/ill_do_algebra_ill_do_trigonometry_ill_even_do/
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What's the best way to quit Thanksgiving?

Cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ljphw/whats_the_best_way_to_quit_thanksgiving/
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I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection.

The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing Start123.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ljn5e/i_was_in_a_couples_home_trying_to_fix_their/
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A wise Asian man once said....

If a dog is barking, you know it's undercooked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ljlyo/a_wise_asian_man_once_said/
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What's the difference between Melania and the USA?

Trump doesn't fuck Melania as much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ljj2n/whats_the_difference_between_melania_and_the_usa/
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What's the difference between a clever midget and a yeast infection?

One's a cunning runt...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ljeu1/whats_the_difference_between_a_clever_midget_and/
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Mr.Dickson

Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.
One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.
Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson, quite enjoying himself while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little 'zero'. "This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."
"Ahh, right" said the children.
.
.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in one hole."
"Hmmmm," Mr Dickinson said, "How do you put 7 holes in one? Well, I'll be darned. I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"
"Yes," said Little Johnny, He asked me to tell you, "Take a flute and shove it up your ass"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ljczm/mrdickson/
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Which President is the least guilty?

Lincoln.
He is in a cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ljcqx/which_president_is_the_least_guilty/
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A priest, a doctor and an engineer walk into a bar..

.. The bartender glances at them as they enter the door and starts pouring drinks. Before they reach the counter their preferred drinks are ready for them. The engineer asks the bartender "How did you know what drinks we wanted?". The bartender mumbles "Repost from yesterday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ljb8c/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a frog that jumps closer and closer to a pond, but never jumps in?

An asymptoad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lj8fb/what_do_you_call_a_frog_that_jumps_closer_and/
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I like my women like I like my coffee.

Hot and always in my lap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lj84s/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A man has 3 women before him that want to be his wife,

So he gives each of them $5,000, and tells them to do whatever they want with it. "What you choose to do shall determine which one of you I marry" he says.
The first woman takes all of her $5,000 and spends it all on clothing, jewelry, lavish spa treatments and the like.
The second woman gives all $5,000 back to her male suitor and says "I don't need money as long as I have you."
The third woman takes her share, invests it in a lucrative series of stock portfolios, and hands him $5,000 in interest in two weeks' time.
In the end, after careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lj73i/a_man_has_3_women_before_him_that_want_to_be_his/
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How do you begin a politically incorrect joke?

President Ben Franklin walks into a bar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lj6p8/how_do_you_begin_a_politically_incorrect_joke/
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Two blondes fell down a hole...

One says "it's dark down here isn't it?" The other says "I don't know I can't see"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lj6ez/two_blondes_fell_down_a_hole/
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My sister is moaning and screaming in her bedroom because she is sick.

I'm happy that her boyfriend is there to comfort her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lj5wa/my_sister_is_moaning_and_screaming_in_her_bedroom/
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I saw a single set of footprints in the sand...

"Lord," I asked, "why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?"
"My child," he tenderly replied, "Those are Chris Christie's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lj51d/i_saw_a_single_set_of_footprints_in_the_sand/
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Did you hear about the guy with Lyme disease?

Yeah... he's ticked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lj3zl/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_lyme_disease/
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Why did the chicken jump into the woodchipper?

...To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lj3vz/why_did_the_chicken_jump_into_the_woodchipper/
%
Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lj1p1/why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
%
Did you hear about the tourist who got lost in China?

I dunno man, he just got disoriented

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6liw2l/did_you_hear_about_the_tourist_who_got_lost_in/
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A farmer and his dog

were hanging around when he told his dog "go round up those 35 sheep!"
The dog did as asked and gathered up all of the sheep for his farmer, however, he missed a few! He only came back with 30...
The farmer was infuriated so he sent his dog to dog school.
A week later, the dog returned. The farmer decided to test his dog's improved farming abilities and told his dog "round up those 35 sheep!"
To which the dog replied, "sir there are 40 sheep."
The farmer had realized the error of his ways- the dog was too smart for farmwork!
So the farmer sold his dog to a farm nearby.
On the farm nearby, a farmer was hanging around with his dog when the farmer said "round up those 35 sheep!"
To which the dog replied, "sir there are 40 sheep."
"Holy shit a talking dog!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6liv93/a_farmer_and_his_dog/
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Timeline of r/jokes

Primary Beginning: (Small Community) Decent jokes, good laughs.
Secondary Beginning: (Decent Sized Community) Good Jokes, Very Good laughs.
Early Middle Years: (Large Community) Faction of Reposters have begun to show themselves.
Later Middle Years: (Huge Community) Most of the jokes posted are either reposted it come from another source. Original jokes are equivalent to Herobrine in Minecraft.
Later Years: (Gigantic Community) Every joke is pretty much reposted. Original jokes are equivalent to the chances of Trump being gay.
Present: (Omega Huge Fuckin Gigantic Community) Reposts have gone, Original jokes have reappeared, only they are about people reposting jokes...
Edit' I honestly expected this to blow up guess r/jokes doesn't value original anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6liuej/timeline_of_rjokes/
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What do you call a Ford Fiesta that won't start?

A Ford Siesta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lisqn/what_do_you_call_a_ford_fiesta_that_wont_start/
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I wanted to see the movie about constipation...

....But it never came out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lirpg/i_wanted_to_see_the_movie_about_constipation/
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Expensive Hotel [Long]

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight at an expensive hotel.
When she checked out the next morning, the clerk handed her a bill for $450.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.
The clerk told her that $450.00 is the "standard rate," so she insisted in speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared and informed the woman, "This hotel has an Olympic sized swimming pool and a huge conference center that are available for your use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
"Well, they are here and you could have," explained the manager.
He went on to explain she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them and you could have," the manager replied.
No matter what the amenity the manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and he manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes of discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.
The manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But madam, this check is for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.
"Well, too bad. I was here and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6liqn6/expensive_hotel_long/
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A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist...

...had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lilf1/a_russian_scientist_and_a_czechoslovakian/
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Little Johnny is always being teased

by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lil7o/little_johnny_is_always_being_teased/
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Women say they want a man who speaks his mind...

But every guy I know with Tourettes is single.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ligxa/women_say_they_want_a_man_who_speaks_his_mind/
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I dated a girl in a wheel chair once.

it was a tough relationship tho.  Have you ever heard the saying "If you love her then let her go, and if she comes back then it was meant to be"?
Well don't let her go on a hill by a lake, cause she don't come back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lig9e/i_dated_a_girl_in_a_wheel_chair_once/
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Stay neglectful my friends

I adopted 3 kids recently and named them after my favorite beers; Bud Light, Miller Light, and Dos Equis. I work long days and am occasionally allowed to bring one child with me to the office. When faced with the decision of which child to take with me to work I always pick Dos Equis, because I don't always watch my kids but when I do I prefer Dos Equis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lifrn/stay_neglectful_my_friends/
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A woman goes to confession with a big smile on her face ...

She tells the priest that she and her boyfriend just had sex 10 times in a row.
The priest says "I want you to go home, squeeze the juice of 10 lemons into a cup and drink it."
The woman says "Will that absolve me of my sins, Father?"
The priest replies "No, but it'll sure take that bloody smile off your face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lidgx/a_woman_goes_to_confession_with_a_big_smile_on/
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This guy is going on a business trip, and his girlfriend wants him to tattoo her name on his dick...

So he lands in Jamaica. Before leaving the airport, he has to take a leak. He's at the urinal, and this tall, dreadlocked Jamaican goes to the urinal next him.
This guy can't help it, he peaks. And to his surprise, this Jamaican's dick is tattooed with what appears to be the same name.
Sheepishly, he speaks up. "Hey, I couldn't help it, I saw your tattoo. Is your girlfriend named Wendy too?"
The Jamaican turned to him with a wide toothy grin as he held his dick out to present his tattoo. "Na mon, it says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6li96h/this_guy_is_going_on_a_business_trip_and_his/
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Stephen Hawking walks into a bar…

Just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6li6rx/stephen_hawking_walks_into_a_bar/
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It's allergy season. If my nose keeps running,

I'm going to have to buy it new shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6li4h9/its_allergy_season_if_my_nose_keeps_running/
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I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic...

Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6li3rv/i_told_my_son_he_couldnt_get_a_fidget_spinner/
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Why are Catholic priests called "Father"?

Because "Daddy" would be a bit too suspicous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6li26a/why_are_catholic_priests_called_father/
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What do you call a black comedian?

A Laughrican American

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lhzg4/what_do_you_call_a_black_comedian/
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Why are camels called the ships of the desert?

Because they are full of Muslim semen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lhvi5/why_are_camels_called_the_ships_of_the_desert/
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An Atheist, a Feminist, and a Vegan walk into a bar.

I know because they made sure everyone did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lhtwy/an_atheist_a_feminist_and_a_vegan_walk_into_a_bar/
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I'm a really slow reader. Today, I only got through six pages of my dictionary.

From dawn to dusk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lhotm/im_a_really_slow_reader_today_i_only_got_through/
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A man is captured by pirates...

The pirates tell the man that they will throw him over the ship into the ocean but tell him he can have one last meal before he goes
He tells them he wants nothing but root beer, although confused, the pirates grant him his one last request
The man drinks the root beer until he feels fit to burst, and he tells the pirates he's ready to be thrown over
They toss him into the water and to their surprise, he doesn't sink!!
The man then yells to the pirates
"Silly pirates, don't you know. Root beer floats!!"
He then laughs as he floats away to safety

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lho7k/a_man_is_captured_by_pirates/
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I walked into the house...

And my wife said, 'Your son threw his milk at me, today!'
I replied, 'How dairy!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lhmh9/i_walked_into_the_house/
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Why I don't eat nursing home peanuts

A new elderly woman was brought into a nursing home and on that first Sunday afternoon after her arrival, the nurses noticed a bowl of peanuts placed on the counter of the nursing station.  The peanuts barely lasted until the end of the shift as everyone enjoyed them.
Sure enough, every Sunday afternoon the bowl was refilled again and again and emptied just like the previous week by all who worked there.
The staff figured that they were brought by the family of the new patient when they visited so give thanks for taking care of their loved one.  However the mystery was solved early one Sunday afternoon when one of the staff happened to be at the desk when the new elderly patient was seen carrying a fresh bowl of peanuts up.
"Oh, so you're the one who keeps refilling that bowl full of nuts", said one of the the nurses.
"Yes it's me," says the old woman, "I was hoping you would enjoy them but you guys eat them so darn fast.  It takes me nearly a week to suck all the chocolate off them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lhl9t/why_i_dont_eat_nursing_home_peanuts/
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A man laying carpet in an old lady's home.

When he's finished he looks around for his pack of cigarettes but as he does so he notices a lump in the middle of the carpet. "Damn it," he says to himself. "I must have dropped my cigarettes on the floor and carpeted over them. I know, I'll whack the pack with my hammer and flatten it out." So he gets out his hammer and beats the bump flat. Just at that moment the old lady walks in with his cigarettes in her hand "here," she says "you must have left these in the kitchen. Now if only I could find my pet gerbil..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lhkcd/a_man_laying_carpet_in_an_old_ladys_home/
%
A cop walks up to a man...

And sais, "my wife slept with my best friend... She was all i had..."
The man answers: "I am very sorry sir, how can i help you?"
The cop then tells him: "Here, take my gun, please shoot me and end my sufferings..."
The man gets shocked and refuses: "No! Im very sorry but there are better ways to handle that kind of problem officer!"
Puzzled, the cop tells him: "But i cant live with this anger and sadness! And i cannot kill myself as i will lose all respect from my coworkers."
The man then sais: "Hell, if my wife cheated on me, i'd kill the man, not myself!"
The cop thinks for a second and then leaves.
After an hour he comes back. The man asks him: "So, you feeling better after killing him?"
The cop then answers: "No, i didn't kill the man"
Confused, the man asks him: "Then where were you all this time?"
The cop answers with a grin: "I slept with your wife! Now come one son hurry up and shoot me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lhifk/a_cop_walks_up_to_a_man/
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Gordon Ramsay

The only guy who tells girls to get out of the kitchen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lhi7j/gordon_ramsay/
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My girlfriend says a small penis isn't a problem

But I still wish she didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lhd4r/my_girlfriend_says_a_small_penis_isnt_a_problem/
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A man is being offered a job

"What's the pay like?" he asks.
"We'll pay you $50,000 this year and $100,000 next year."
"Okay, I'll come back next year"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lhbwl/a_man_is_being_offered_a_job/
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What do you call a stoner with Down Syndrome?

A baked potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lhbt4/what_do_you_call_a_stoner_with_down_syndrome/
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I like my women like i like my microwave

In the kitchen and ready to kill any baby i put inside them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lhbar/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_microwave/
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My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo

...so I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lh7mo/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
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What did Hitler hate most about breakfast?

The Juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lh6ti/what_did_hitler_hate_most_about_breakfast/
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Did you guys hear about the man with 5 penises?

His underwear fit him like a glove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lh5sg/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_man_with_5_penises/
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Late night push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lh27m/late_night_push/
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A three year old boy is taking a bath.

He plays with his scrotum.
"Is this my brain, mom?"
"Not yet, my son. Not yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lh1ps/a_three_year_old_boy_is_taking_a_bath/
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Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells:
"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lgwxw/two_priests_are_off_to_the_showers_late_one_night/
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The German consulate is in NYC for a big UN meeting...

The clock hits 12:30 and the meeting breaks for lunch. Being that he's in New York, the consulate requests to go out to lunch at a local Deli. An intern is charge with taking him out. As they are sitting and eating the consulate turns to the intern and exclaims,
"I have to admit, these bagels are really delicious! We don't have bagels like this in Germany."
"Well," the intern replies, "whose fault is that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lgwie/the_german_consulate_is_in_nyc_for_a_big_un/
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Why aren't there any Wal-Mart's in Afghanistan?

Because they are all Target's!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lguek/why_arent_there_any_walmarts_in_afghanistan/
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An Irish Ghost story (long)

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true!!!!!
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel.
John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... ..........
'Look Paddy.....there's that fecking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
*(Edit, added spaces)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lgsou/an_irish_ghost_story_long/
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There were three medieval kingdoms...

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lgsi0/there_were_three_medieval_kingdoms/
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What is green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lgqfs/what_is_green_and_smells_like_pork/
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A friendly fishing trip.

Dave is an avid fisherman, one day Gary, an openly gay friend of Dave's, invited Dave on a week long fishing trip that he was planning with a group of other friends.
Dave was reluctant to go for such a long time with people he didn't know, but his love of fishing and Gary's friendly encouragement of beer, wooden cabins and a beautiful lake, convinced Dave to go.
Dave enjoyed the days fishing, drinking and socializing with the rest of the party, who turns out were also all homosexuals.
On the second day Dave was really enjoying himself and the company, telling stories and drinking beer, that is, until he learned that the other men had planned an orgy for the evening.
Dave had always been a bit curious, and he was rather lonely and drunk, so he decided to give it a shot.
Lo-and-behold Dave discovered that he enjoyed the company of men, even more physically then he did before while on the boats,  Gary especially.
The morning after Dave was sore and sweaty. He went up to Gary and asked if he knew about the orgy before inviting him.
Gary confessed that he had planned the whole trip to woo Dave and let him be comfortable enough to be himself.
Gary had succeeded in seducing Dave, and Dave fell for it hook line and sphincter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lgol6/a_friendly_fishing_trip/
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Automatic Water Mister

The new neighborhood supermarket has an automatic water mister to Keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lgogt/automatic_water_mister/
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Cows

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lgocy/cows/
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The New National Symbol

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed. It just doesn’t get more accurate than that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lgn9r/the_new_national_symbol/
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I've decided on my college major!

Agriculture.  I've heard it's a very large field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lglni/ive_decided_on_my_college_major/
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A lighthearted joke

A man was absolutely delighted when he came home and saw that someone had stolen every lamp in the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lgk62/a_lighthearted_joke/
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Why did the cheese board blow away?

Because of the strong bries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lgiff/why_did_the_cheese_board_blow_away/
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Why can't the police stop the theft of gasoline?

They never go on petrol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lgh11/why_cant_the_police_stop_the_theft_of_gasoline/
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Its the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No",says the neighbour, the seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?"
The neighbour says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that" the man says. "That’s terrible.. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?"
The man shakes his head.
"No," he says "They’re all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lgcom/its_the_world_cup_final_and_a_man_makes_his_way/
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My girlfriend and I had to leave the restaurant early today due to insensitive people calling me a nonce and peadophile all because I'm 33 and my missus is 16.

It totally ruined our 10yr anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lg834/my_girlfriend_and_i_had_to_leave_the_restaurant/
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Two men are walking to the market together

The first man says to the other, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't get a frog and eat it." The second man takes the offer and picks up a frog from a puddle on the way. He eats it and receives $5. As the two continue walking, the second man decides that he should get the first man to do something disgusting too to even things out. He says, "I'll bet five dollars that you can't do the same thing I just did." The first man takes the offer and picks up another frog. He promptly eats it and gets $5.
A little while after that, the first man says, "Dude I think we both just ate a frog for free."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lg3ow/two_men_are_walking_to_the_market_together/
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Why do gay people know so much about fashion?...

They have spent so much time in the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lg2vu/why_do_gay_people_know_so_much_about_fashion/
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"When did you stop beating your wife?"

"When her chess game improved."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lg0lo/when_did_you_stop_beating_your_wife/
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I was bullied a lot in school.

Eventually I went on to musical success. Years down the line, I stopped in my hometown to do a show. It turned out the biggest of my bullies was hired to handle my displays.
I watched for a while as he tried to put up some cardboard cutouts of myself. Every time he would set one up, another one fell over.
Now that I'm in charge, he can't stand up two me's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lg0jq/i_was_bullied_a_lot_in_school/
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Three to Five times a week.....

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lfycc/three_to_five_times_a_week/
%
Once all the engineering professors were sitting on one plane...

Before the take off an announcement came over the fanboy.
"This plane is made by your students"
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside, but the principal was sitting.
One professor came and asked "Are you not afraid?"
The principal replied " I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won't even start"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lfutk/once_all_the_engineering_professors_were_sitting/
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[NSFW] A daughter asks her father for a new car...

The father replies: "Only if you suck my dick"
Reluctant, she agrees and proceeds to do the blowjob...
After a few seconds into the action she complains: "Dad, this tastes like shit"
He replies: "Well, your brother just got a new apartment"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lfuk9/nsfw_a_daughter_asks_her_father_for_a_new_car/
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So a reporter from Cosmo got a 1-on-1 interview with Melania Trump..

She asked Melania if she bleaches her asshole.
"Of course not," Melania replied, "he gets spray-tanned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lft2g/so_a_reporter_from_cosmo_got_a_1on1_interview/
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Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs.

Just 5 minutes more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lfqsh/scientists_have_discovered_exactly_how_much_sleep/
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V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lfqep/v/
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My wife and I have oral sex every night.

We scream "Fuck you" at each other from across the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lfjbx/my_wife_and_i_have_oral_sex_every_night/
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A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants...

And the bartender asks "what's wrong?"
The man replied "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lfed0/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel_in/
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Next time someone asks you if you've found Jesus

Tell them that it wasn't your turn to watch him, and they should have used bigger nails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lfd98/next_time_someone_asks_you_if_youve_found_jesus/
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I tried calling Stephen Hawking the other day

But I kept getting his answering machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lfcq0/i_tried_calling_stephen_hawking_the_other_day/
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A woman goes into vet because of her bird

, after about an hour the doctor comes out and the conversation begins.
Doctor: “I’m sorry but your bird is dead”
Owner:  “Is there anything you can do?”
Doctor: “Well we can try but I cannot promise anything.”
The doctor brings in a Labrador retriever, the dog begins to sniff the dead bird, looks up at the doctor and leaves.
Doctor: “I’m sorry but that right there shows that there is nothing we can do.”
Owner: “I don’t understand you brought in a dog, you didn’t really do anything.”
Doctor: “Well I guess we can try one more thing.”
The doctor then brings in a cat, the cat goes to the bird, sniffs it and walks away.
Doctor: “Well that proves it your bird is dead there is nothing we can do…”
Owner: “Oh ok, well how much do I owe you?”
Doctor: “Well it’s going to cost $1,200 dollars!”
Owner: “$1,200? Why is it that much?”
Doctor: “Well it costs $500 dollars for Lab work, and $700 dollars for a Cat scan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lfaa9/a_woman_goes_into_vet_because_of_her_bird/
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Just found this cool new app that tells you which family members are racist...

Its called Facebook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lf695/just_found_this_cool_new_app_that_tells_you_which/
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A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The bartender looks in amazement and says, "how awesome! Where did you get that!?"
Suddenly the parrot looks up and says, "Oh him? Africa, there are millions of them there..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lf577/a_black_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_parrot_on_his/
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What's the difference between crippling depression and crippled depression?

One can't get out of bed because they're depressed, the other is depressed because they can't get out of bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6levmv/whats_the_difference_between_crippling_depression/
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I would go vegan but

I'm not willing to get up at 4am to milk the almonds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6let7t/i_would_go_vegan_but/
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Two Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6leprq/two_pilots/
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Why did the sex offender represent himself at his trial?

Because he thought he could get himself off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lemlu/why_did_the_sex_offender_represent_himself_at_his/
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Lucky Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Lucky has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6leifo/after_having_dug_to_a_depth_of_10_feet_last_year/
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A man walked into a zoo, but the only animal was a dog...

It was a Shih Tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lefzt/a_man_walked_into_a_zoo_but_the_only_animal_was_a/
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Son: "Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad: "You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lef57/son_dad_what_is_the_difference_between_confident/
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Engineer vs Manager

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but  you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6leczo/engineer_vs_manager/
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What do you call a sleepwalking nun…

A roamin’ Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lec68/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
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I went to my boss at work and said, "I need a raise. Three other companies are after me."

He said, "Really? Which companies are after you?"
I said, "The electric company, the utilities company and the phone company."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6leb9n/i_went_to_my_boss_at_work_and_said_i_need_a_raise/
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Two cowboys come upon an Indian

lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy.  "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."  Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"  The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6le9iq/two_cowboys_come_upon_an_indian/
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I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6le9ab/i_cant_write_jokes_but_a_friend_of_mine_gave_me_a/
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My friend said he is 25% Puerto Rican...

So he calls him self a Quarto Rican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6le93q/my_friend_said_he_is_25_puerto_rican/
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Animals kicking their habits

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.
After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.
Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.
After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"
I got the joke from eBaums World if anyone is wondering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6le3ck/animals_kicking_their_habits/
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A father watched his daughter play in the yard.

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They’re mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That’s a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked. The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question.
He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6le19g/a_father_watched_his_daughter_play_in_the_yard/
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Synagogue Dog

A jewish guy walks into his synagogue on Yom Kippur with with his dog. The rabbi stops him at the door and says "Moishe, what's the matter with you? You can't bring a dog in here."
"Don't worry, Rabbi," replies Moishe, "Isaac here is just as orthodox as I am, and he's come to pray." And as soon as he says that, the dog stands up on his hind legs, pulls a yarmulka out of Moishe's pocket, grabs a prayer book and starts praying in perfect Hebrew.
The Rabbi is amazed. "Oh my god," he says, "this is incredible, Moishe. You should make this dog become a rabbi!"
"You tell him that, Rabbi," replies Moishe. "He wants to be a doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldyyq/synagogue_dog/
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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everyone who can jump, run or swim is already in the U.S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldwv7/why_doesnt_mexico_have_an_olympic_team/
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I sneaked onto a beach early this morning.

The coast was clear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldtky/i_sneaked_onto_a_beach_early_this_morning/
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I recently wrote a book about poltergeists

and I'm pleased to say it is flying off the shelves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldsmc/i_recently_wrote_a_book_about_poltergeists/
%
I was very lonely so i bought some shares

It's nice to have a bit of company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldsaa/i_was_very_lonely_so_i_bought_some_shares/
%
Why are there no knock knock jokes about Canada?

Because everyone is welcome in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldr8z/why_are_there_no_knock_knock_jokes_about_canada/
%
So Germany is going to fine companies that fail to remove hate speech and terrorist related content...

Maybe instead of companies like YouTube manually checking videos, they should just Autobahn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldr1z/so_germany_is_going_to_fine_companies_that_fail/
%
I, for one, like Roman numerals.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldq0o/i_for_one_like_roman_numerals/
%
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldn06/two_guys_are_in_a_locker_room_when_one_guy/
%
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldmm5/on_a_farm_out_in_the_country_lived_a_man_and_a/
%
I also have a gay friend in my friend circle

I know it's Todd,  his dick tastes like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldjba/i_also_have_a_gay_friend_in_my_friend_circle/
%
An amish and an atheist has a chat...

"So, what do you do for fun? Drink?", the atheist asks.
"No!", replies the amish, "Banned!"
"Well then, do you dance?" the atheist asks.
"NO! Strictly forbidden!", the amish says.
"Then what do you do?", asks the atheist.
"Well...", the amish starts to whisper, "we fuck".
The atheist looks shocked, "Only in the missionary, I assume?"
"No, not at all. Doggy style, 69, sometimes we go backdoors...", the amish whispers.
"What about standing up?"
"NO! THAT COULD LEAD TO DANCING!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldior/an_amish_and_an_atheist_has_a_chat/
%
Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldhxt/daily_mail_online_masturbation_may_help_prevent/
%
A midget had a premature ejaculation

It was a shortcoming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldga2/a_midget_had_a_premature_ejaculation/
%
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on."

After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied, "…but I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldeon/i_was_on_the_phone_with_my_wife_and_said_im/
%
What do you call an underwater taxi?

A scuber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldcwt/what_do_you_call_an_underwater_taxi/
%
Saudi Arabia don't air the Flintstones anymore...

But don't worry, Abu Dhabi Doo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldbw2/saudi_arabia_dont_air_the_flintstones_anymore/
%
His cousin

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.
The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldbhk/his_cousin/
%
Used Clothing

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.
Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash?
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
And that's when the fight started...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldb3w/used_clothing/
%
Why is it called Boob Sweat

And not humidititties?
Il let myself out..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldaxj/why_is_it_called_boob_sweat/
%
What do you call a mafia boss' key?

A don-key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ldacq/what_do_you_call_a_mafia_boss_key/
%
Why is it...

That when Miley Cyrus licks a hammer naked it's called 'Music' and 'Art', but when I do it, it's called 'Property Damage' and 'Nudity' and I get kicked out of Home Depot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ld8hg/why_is_it/
%
Why are uncles like curries?

Bad ones hurt your asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ld7n7/why_are_uncles_like_curries/
%
A little boy jumps up from the breakfast table and heads for the door...

His mom says 'Where are you going in such a hurry?'
'I'm going to the massage parlor mum.'
His mother grabs his arm and says 'WHAT? YOU BETTER NOT BE! WHAT ARE YOU TAKING ABOUT?'
'Ok, fine.' He says, 'I'm going to the park to play with Billy, Dad can go get his damn hat himself'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ld7l6/a_little_boy_jumps_up_from_the_breakfast_table/
%
What is the difference between a erection and a Ferrari ?

I don't have a Ferrari.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ld708/what_is_the_difference_between_a_erection_and_a/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ld53o/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_kkk_member/
%
I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish...

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ld40x/i_was_at_a_funeral_the_other_day_and_a_couple_in/
%
15 Year Old Teenager: "I love the US! It's the land of freedom and opportunity! We even have freedom of speech!"

CNN: "Hold my beer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ld37v/15_year_old_teenager_i_love_the_us_its_the_land/
%
“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning,

he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ld34k/a_doctor_and_his_wife_were_having_a_big_argument/
%
Donald Trump dies in Israel

After too much effort during a state visit in Israel, Trump collapses of a heart attack. The Israeli officials take the body and tell the Americans : " There's two options."
" The first one, you pay $5,000,000 and we send the body back to the United States so he can be buried there. "
" Second option, you pay $100,000 and we bury him here in the sacred land of Israel"
After much debating, the Americans decided to pay the larger fee and repatriate the body. Surprised, the Israelis ask them why they chose the bigger figure.
" Well, the last time you buried someone he came back after three days so we're not taking any chances !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ld28i/donald_trump_dies_in_israel/
%
Many people are wrongly convicted. How will the judicial system improve?

By trial and error

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ld221/many_people_are_wrongly_convicted_how_will_the/
%
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey.

The brothel keeper asks how she can help him. He says, "I need a woman, because mine has left me."
The keeper says "Why? And what are the honeycomb and donkey for?"
The dwarf says, "My wife found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first, she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this lovely donkey..."
The keeper asked, "What was the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knees."
"That's not so bad."
"Not so bad?" Spluttered the dwarf, "I used to be six foot three!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lcxzc/a_dwarf_walks_into_a_brothel_with_a_honeycomb_and/
%
What do the French call a good fire ?

A bonfire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lcucn/what_do_the_french_call_a_good_fire/
%
Customer Helpline: If you understand English, press 1.

If you do not understand English, press 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lcqpg/customer_helpline_if_you_understand_english_press/
%
I'm going to open my own bar and call it "Chrome"

It will keep your tab open until you have no memory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lcps8/im_going_to_open_my_own_bar_and_call_it_chrome/
%
Why are Americans bad at MOBA's?

They can't defend towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lco40/why_are_americans_bad_at_mobas/
%
What do you call an asian with no eyes?

Asan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lcm5y/what_do_you_call_an_asian_with_no_eyes/
%
I don't like cocaine..

I just love the way it smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lchqs/i_dont_like_cocaine/
%
A marine and the call girl.

After a long tour of duty in Afghanistan, a U.S. Marine gets some well earned R&R state side. Seeing as he hasn't been with a woman for quite a while he decides to have a call girl meet him at a motel.
Once the girl arrives she suggests they get naked and get into bed, as the Marine strips off the girl notices that he's well hung and comments on it. The Marine replies "As a United States Marine I have to be in tip top condition and ready to obey any order given to me" the Marine then looks at his dick and barks "Marine stand to attention" suddenly his dick stands straight up. The call girl is very impressed by this but the Marine isn't finished, he looks down at his stiff dick and yells "Marine at ease" and his dick goes limp again.
The girl is completely amazed by this and asks him to do it again, the Marine barks "Marine stand to attention" and once again his dick stands straight up. Then he yells "Marine at ease" but his dick stays up, the Marine is shocked at this and screams at his dick "Marine I said at ease" still his dick stands straight up. The Marine grabs hold of his dick and starts pulling on it hard and fast, the  girl cries out for him to stop but the Marine says "I'm sorry ma'am but this Marine is getting a dishonorable discharge".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lccou/a_marine_and_the_call_girl/
%
If "con" is the opposite of "pro",

Then isn't "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lcaxa/if_con_is_the_opposite_of_pro/
%
My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends

I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lc9uz/my_friends_say_there_is_a_gay_guy_in_our_circle/
%
What did the perverted frog say?

Rubbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lc9ki/what_did_the_perverted_frog_say/
%
My dad was a doctor but he got fired for having sex with one of his patients

He was a good veterinarian though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lc7wz/my_dad_was_a_doctor_but_he_got_fired_for_having/
%
Sir Arthur and the case of brief case identity

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris..!
.
Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked,
.
"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"
Doyle was flabbergasted..
He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before..
"No, sir," the driver responded,
"I have never seen you before."
.
Then he explained, "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles..
This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to..
.
Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation..
The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer..
Your clothing is very English, and not French.
.
Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle..!
"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed.
"You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"
.
.
."There is one other thing," the driver said..!
"What is that?"
"Your Name is on the front of your Suitcase..!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lc4xi/sir_arthur_and_the_case_of_brief_case_identity/
%
A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student.

The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string.
Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string.
The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but  the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is.
The kid picks up and says,
"Oh, sorry man, I got a gig..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lc3sf/a_bass_teacher_is_excited_about_getting_a_new/
%
Son of chief: "Father, how are we named?"

Chief: "After you are born, your mother looks out of the teepee and names you the first thing she sees."
Son: "Oh wow, is that how you were named Soaring Eagle?"
Chief: "Yes, Horse Taking Dump"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lbvph/son_of_chief_father_how_are_we_named/
%
How do you know when you're dyslexic?

When life hands you melons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lbunm/how_do_you_know_when_youre_dyslexic/
%
What do you call a woman who sleeps with a lot of men?

Her Name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lbqr3/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_sleeps_with_a_lot_of/
%
What is 20ft long and has 5 teeth?

The funnel cake line at the Alabama state fair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lbp61/what_is_20ft_long_and_has_5_teeth/
%
What kind of tick should you look out for on the full moon?

A lunatic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lbig9/what_kind_of_tick_should_you_look_out_for_on_the/
%
What do you call a depressed dog?

....A melancholy......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lbgn4/what_do_you_call_a_depressed_dog/
%
There was a blind man

There was a man who could taste every single ingredient in a dish. One day he went to a restaurant and made a deal with the manager.
"Look, if I could guess every single ingredient you have in 2 dishes of your choice then you would let me eat here for free today. But if I lose I'd tip you an extra $100."
The manager, finding such claim amusing, accepted the offer and told his top chef, Jenny to prepare the House Special Soup, a truly delicious dish where the recipe of which is highly secretive.
Once it is served, the man tasted a spoonful and listed out all the ingredients on a paper. The manager took the paper and went in the kitchen to show Jenny and to their surprise, the man correctly listed all the ingredients used in the soup, including the exact content of the secret ingredient used.
It was time for the second dish and Jenny had an idea, she stuck her finger down her vagina, scratch around for a bit, and stuck the same finger into a a bowl of stew, thinking they have surely won the bet.
The manager served it to the man and the man once again tasted a spoonful. There was a change in his face, and he said:
"Jenny, is that you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lbchj/there_was_a_blind_man/
%
Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words:

defeat, deduct, defense and detail.
Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lb9pa/little_johnnys_teacher_asks_him_to_make_a/
%
How do you stop serial killers?

Just arrest one of them, and all of them stop.
This wouldn't work if they were parallel killers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lb3am/how_do_you_stop_serial_killers/
%
Why aren't there many female football teams?

Because you can't convince 11 women to wear the same clothes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lb2a0/why_arent_there_many_female_football_teams/
%
I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo..

... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lb1r4/i_got_my_son_a_trampoline_for_his_birthday_but/
%
The Pope dies and ascends into heaven. St Peter mets him at the Pearly Gates and welcomes him into the fold.

"Pope, welcome. We would love to make your stay here as comfortable as possible in return for your faithful service to the Lord during your time on earth. What could we do for you?"
The Pope replied "I spent my life studying the word of God, but it was always in the hand of man, and therefore subject to human error. I'd like to know if you have records of what God actually said to His prophets so that I may fully understand His will."
"Oh, we absolutely have that for you. Follow me" replied St. Peter. And the Pope was led into a room with towering shelves filled with leather bound books and scrolls of ancient parchments. The Pope was enthralled and threw himself into this new project. He spent hours every day for the next several years reading the works and gaining key new understanding of God's plan.
But one day St Peter hears and anguished cry ring out from the room. He ran in and found the Pope sobbing and pounding his finger over and over onto a single word.
"Celebrate! Not celibate! The word was Celebrate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6latdb/the_pope_dies_and_ascends_into_heaven_st_peter/
%
If I had a puppy I'd name it comma.

Why? Because of its small pause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lan4s/if_i_had_a_puppy_id_name_it_comma/
%
Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why does he paint pictures of my parents beating me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6laluv/who_is_this_rorschach_guy/
%
Do not let the fact that today is July 4th distract you

From the fact that England blew a 13 colony lead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6laley/do_not_let_the_fact_that_today_is_july_4th/
%
A son asked his dad

"Can you pass me my sunglasses?"
"Sure." Replied the dad. "Then can you pass me my dadglasses?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6lahwr/a_son_asked_his_dad/
%
What do chickens like to read?

Book...
book book book kawk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ladvi/what_do_chickens_like_to_read/
%
How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who knows? They just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ladoe/how_many_lapd_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why did the baby seal walk in to the bar?

He was avoiding the club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6laa4w/why_did_the_baby_seal_walk_in_to_the_bar/
%
If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6la8xs/if_stephen_hawking_given_his_physical_ailments/
%
An old cowboy is sitting at a bar next to a young Japanese man

.
The cowboy turns to the Japanese man, scowling and grunts "Hey kid, do you know King Fu or Jiu Jitsu or somewhat?
Severely offended the Japanese man says, "Just because I'm 'Oriental' doesn't mean I know Martial Arts."
The cowboy stands up and says, "No it's 'cause you're drink'in my beer."
-Credit goes to my grandpa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6la87o/an_old_cowboy_is_sitting_at_a_bar_next_to_a_young/
%
A 72 year old man had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
Again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6la7mu/a_72_year_old_man_had_one_hobby_he_loved_to_fish/
%
It had been a beautiful day. NSFW

Two happily married octogenarians were sitting on their front porch, rocking away, holding hands and silently enjoying the wonderful day together.
Suddenly, the old lady violently backhands the old man. He and his rocking chair go over backwards, through the porch railing and lands in the yard.
He gathers himself up, gets his chair and eventually takes his place next to his lady.
After a few minutes, he asks "what was that for princess?" She responds "that's for having such a small penis".
About twenty minutes later, the old fart backhands his princess. She goes over backwards, through the broken railing and into the yard. After she has gathered herself up and is finally seated again next to her loving husband, she asks "what was that for?"  He says "knowing the difference!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6la65l/it_had_been_a_beautiful_day_nsfw/
%
Never joke with a kleptomaniac.

They will take it, literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6la5ek/never_joke_with_a_kleptomaniac/
%
Life Span

Doctor told me i have a bad ilness and he gave me 2 weeks to live, i shot him...... judge gave me 25 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6la587/life_span/
%
Any salad can be Caesar Salad

If you stab it enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6la4af/any_salad_can_be_caesar_salad/
%
3d-printers are now making guns.

Pffft, that's nothing!
I've had a Canon printer for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6la3uj/3dprinters_are_now_making_guns/
%
What kind of tea did the American colonists like?

Liberty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6la1uj/what_kind_of_tea_did_the_american_colonists_like/
%
The US president debates the U.K. prime minister and no one knows who will win.

Trump may trump May, May may trump Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l9ybo/the_us_president_debates_the_uk_prime_minister/
%
We may never know if 9/11 was an inside job…

… but we definitely know that 7-11 is a part time job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l9x70/we_may_never_know_if_911_was_an_inside_job/
%
Why aren't jokes on r/jokes trash?

Because they're all recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l9s2p/why_arent_jokes_on_rjokes_trash/
%
If The US presidency was a TV show

It would be "Orange is the new black"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l9q5k/if_the_us_presidency_was_a_tv_show/
%
How did Staten Island get its name?

A group of explorers discovered it and the near-sighted one asked,
*"Is that an island?"*
and the rest of them agreed that it was a good name for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l9p3h/how_did_staten_island_get_its_name/
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I held a door open for an Asian guy

and he said "sank you" so i punched him in the face. Serves him right for bringing up Pearl Harbor like that.
PS: Happy 4th of July

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l9mk7/i_held_a_door_open_for_an_asian_guy/
%
Women are truly gifts!

They usually aren't what you expected/wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l9la8/women_are_truly_gifts/
%
I know this guy who teaches people how to access the Dark Web, but if they're incompetent then he physically and psychologically abuses them

He's a Tor mentor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l9kc1/i_know_this_guy_who_teaches_people_how_to_access/
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A farmer notices his dairy cows aren't producing as much milk as they used to.

So the farmer decides to sell them to the butcher in town. The farmer and the butcher exchange plesantries and start to discuss prices for both cows. The butcher notices a strange smell and asks the farmer if he smells it too. The farmer says that on his way over with the cows his back started to act up again. The doctor said it was a pinched nerve from bending over to milk cows for so many years. So the farmer got a perscription for medical marijuana and decided since they were already in town he would just walk the cows the rest of the way so he could smoke. The butcher hears the story and says "I can't buy the cows today, but come back tomorrow. And don't smoke." The farmer was curious but listens, as he's known the butcher long enough to trust his judgement. The next morning the farmer drives back to the butchers shop and sells both cows without a hitch. Before he leaves he asks the butcher "why couldn't you buy the cows yesterday, but you can today?" The butcher immidiately responded "Because the steaks were too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l9inq/a_farmer_notices_his_dairy_cows_arent_producing/
%
I think my wife is cheating on me.

We moved from Paris to New York and somehow we still have the same gardener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l9iml/i_think_my_wife_is_cheating_on_me/
%
What does the Statue Of Liberty stand for

She can't sit down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l9edd/what_does_the_statue_of_liberty_stand_for/
%
At the funeral of a famous heart surgeon where everyone had gathered...

A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l9ci0/at_the_funeral_of_a_famous_heart_surgeon_where/
%
My German girlfried likes to rate my sexual performance on a scale 1-10. [NSFW]

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l947t/my_german_girlfried_likes_to_rate_my_sexual/
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England: Colour America: Color

England: Humour
America: Humor
England: Flavour
America: Flavor
England: What the hell are you doing?
America: Getting rid of u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l92nz/england_colour_america_color/
%
A woman asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l92hj/a_woman_asked_her_husband_what_do_you_like_most/
%
An old couple were lying in bed...

...getting ready to go to sleep. All of a sudden the man lets out a huge fart, and says "I'm winning!"
His wife says "what are you talking about?" He tells her, "It's a game. Fart football. I just scored a touchdown. I'm winning!"
Not to be outdone, the lady lets out a cheek-ripper herself and says "7 to 7. score tied!"
The husband, ever the competitor, produces another trumpet blast. "14 to 7. I'm winning!"
The old woman, determined, rumbles out yet another thunderclap. "14 to 14." She follows this with a little squeaker. "And an extra point for the field goal. Now I'M winning!"
The husband is focused on victory. He strains with all his might, making a cacaphonous roar, and shits the bed.
His wife lifts the covers, sees it, and angrily says "what the hell is THAT?!?"
He looks at her and says "End of quarter. Switch sides!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l90ne/an_old_couple_were_lying_in_bed/
%
Who can defeat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l8wtc/who_can_defeat_captain_america/
%
I was in a taxi today and the driver said "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said "Turn left"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l8tpp/i_was_in_a_taxi_today_and_the_driver_said_i_love/
%
What do friends and snow have in common?

If you pee on them, they go away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l8sxv/what_do_friends_and_snow_have_in_common/
%
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2, but how did they get in the light bulb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l8onp/how_many_lesbians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l8of0/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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Politician dies and arrives in heaven

While walking down the street one day, a presidential candidate is tragically hit by a car and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high-ranking official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the politician.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher-ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really? I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the politician.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the people. They then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest Champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the politician realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven …”
So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls, moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before — I mean heaven has been delightful — but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell …
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank Champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil smiles at him and says,
“Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l8mo7/politician_dies_and_arrives_in_heaven/
%
Whats the difference between me and a calendar?

A calendar has dates. ;(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l8j6t/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_calendar/
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There are two guys sitting in a bar...

....one is American and one is Canadian.  They decide to play a drinking game. The American says "I'll think of something hard to guess, you have three questions to ask to try to figure it out." The American thinks "moose cock", and chuckles. The Canadian asks, "Can I eat it?" The American thinks for a moment, and says "yeah I guess you could eat it if you really wanted to."  The Canadian then asks "Is it moose cock?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l8hqq/there_are_two_guys_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
How does a baguette fight end?

With a lot of pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l8h1o/how_does_a_baguette_fight_end/
%
Donald Trump does not tell lies.

He said everyone would be covered under his Healthcare plan.
He just forgot to mention that the poor would be covered by 6 feet of dirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l8g3b/donald_trump_does_not_tell_lies/
%
It was called a jumpoline...

...until your mama got on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l8bto/it_was_called_a_jumpoline/
%
Batman and robin came out 20 years ago today

But we always sort of suspected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l89mo/batman_and_robin_came_out_20_years_ago_today/
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What do you call someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is?

a smart ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l88de/what_do_you_call_someone_who_can_sit_on_an_ice/
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An inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of the woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l88cs/an_inventor_of_the_harleydavidson_motorcycle/
%
A Cannibal Joke

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender missionary, I’ve baked them, I have roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. I just can’t seem to get them tender.”
The second cannibal asks, “What kind of missionary do you use?”
The other replies, “You know, the ones that hang out at the place at the bend of the lake. They have those brown cloaks with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”
“Aha!” the second cannibal replies. “No wonder – those are friars!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l86l5/a_cannibal_joke/
%
A police officer knocked on my door last night.

He held up a picture and said to me, "Is this your wife?"
"Yes, that's her", I replied to him.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this" the officer said, "but it looks like she's been in a car crash".
"I know" I replied, but she has a lovely personality".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l8600/a_police_officer_knocked_on_my_door_last_night/
%
A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told...

"You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."
The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your ass!'"
The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"
The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l85td/a_man_comes_to_the_entrance_of_heaven_and_is_told/
%
My girlfriend told me she'd slept with seven people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l85ey/my_girlfriend_told_me_shed_slept_with_seven/
%
One sentence horror story:

"Seems like we're the last two people left on Earth, m'lady"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l84us/one_sentence_horror_story/
%
Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."
Bob thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen," Bob replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Bob asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Bob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Bob said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his ol lady shout:
"Bob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l84rv/bob_did_like_he_always_does_kissed_his_ol_lady/
%
Two gay guys are on a plane

.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks the first one.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..." says the second one
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
He stands up and asks loudly "Does anyone have a pencil?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is busy or just not paying attention.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?"
So the two have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and everyone are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man.
"A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l834a/two_gay_guys_are_on_a_plane/
%
4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l82ek/4th_of_july/
%
It pains me to say it but...

...I think I might have laryngitis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l82cw/it_pains_me_to_say_it_but/
%
Is it normal if

One of my testicles hangs lower than the other two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l81j3/is_it_normal_if/
%
Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l819u/today_in_the_uk_we_celebrate_the_4th_of_july/
%
Do you like Asparagus Soup ?

"Honey, do you like Asparagus ?"
'No'
"Do you like soup ?"
'Not really, why are you asking ?'
"Because you may not like what I did..."
'What ? Did you make Asparagus Soup ? '
"No, I've slept with your sister"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7yvj/do_you_like_asparagus_soup/
%
You know what we used to call our goalkeeper?

'Cinderella'
He always missed the ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7v8z/you_know_what_we_used_to_call_our_goalkeeper/
%
A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7ug8/a_famous_heart_surgeon_died_and_everyone_was/
%
Turns out my co-worker and I are getting our teeth checked the same day

Isn't that coinciDENTAL?
I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7tdm/turns_out_my_coworker_and_i_are_getting_our_teeth/
%
What's the difference between bullets and people?

People miss JFK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7tbh/whats_the_difference_between_bullets_and_people/
%
Little Johnny and Little Sally are hiding in the bedroom closet watching Little Johnny's sister have sex with her boyfriend...

"Golly," Little Sally whispers. "She sure looks like she's having a good time. You wanna try that, Little Johhny?"
"Not really," he says. "His dick would probably hurt me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7qwm/little_johnny_and_little_sally_are_hiding_in_the/
%
A comedian was trying to make a group of Redditors from /r/Jokes laugh...

"So a blind man walked into a bar..."
"Ahh, good ole #8804311," the first redditor said.
"Okay, then how about this... Little Johnny saw his mom banging the mailman..."
"#2409!!!"
Out of frustration, the comedian yells, "IS THERE ANY FUCKIN' JOKE YOU GUYS HAVEN'T HEARD?!?"
From the back, one redditor shouts, "How about this?
A comedian was trying..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7qky/a_comedian_was_trying_to_make_a_group_of/
%
What do you call the guy with no arms or legs that works up in the bell tower?

I can't remember his name,  but his face sure does ring a bell.
The one of many dad jokes I heard last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7qj9/what_do_you_call_the_guy_with_no_arms_or_legs/
%
On Christmas morning

a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7p28/on_christmas_morning/
%
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7n4u/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_with_the_lapd/
%
There was a big storm the other day and my fence got knocked down. I should hire some of the guys at r/Jokes.

They seem to be great at reposting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7mpm/there_was_a_big_storm_the_other_day_and_my_fence/
%
Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?

Because they leave to go answer the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7laj/why_cant_you_tell_blondes_knockknock_jokes/
%
An English man, beautiful woman, old woman and a Irishman are on a train

As the four sit in the train booth together the train goes through a tunnel and the booth goes dark for a few seconds
SLAP!!!!
When the train came out of the tunnel the Englishman had been slapped in the face! Everyone was stunned as they sat there wondering what had happened.
The English man thinks to himself "I bet that Irishman tried to fondle that beautiful woman and she slapped me instead"
The old woman thought " That pervert tried to touch her and he got slapped. Good for her!"
The beautiful woman wondered "I bet he was trying to touch me but he touched the old woman and she slapped him.
When the Irishman is thinking " I can't wait for another dark tunnel so I can SLAP that bloody Englishman again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7jml/an_english_man_beautiful_woman_old_woman_and_a/
%
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach.

Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7in9/when_i_die_i_want_to_be_cremated_and_my_ashes/
%
Why Jesus never loses his files?

Because Jesus saves...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7in2/why_jesus_never_loses_his_files/
%
A large car with chauffeur

A boyfriend is watching TV when his girlfriend walks into the room
Gf: "I want to go to the mall to go shopping, wanna bring me?"
Boyfriend sighs
Bf: "How would you like it if you went in a large car with a chauffeur?"
Gf: "That sounds great!"
Bf: "Well, the bus leaves in 5 minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7blg/a_large_car_with_chauffeur/
%
Fireworks remind me of sex..

I'm always surprised when it lasts more than a few seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l7bb2/fireworks_remind_me_of_sex/
%
Two boys were out walking in the woods...

When they came across a large hole in ground. Boys being boys, it didn't take long before they began tossing objects in to see how deep the hole was.
As it often happens, the objects they threw in got larger and larger. At last, the boys grabbed a large log and tossed it in the hole. All of the sudden, a goat came running out of the bushes and dove into the hole after the log.
The boys were still standing there dumbfounded, when a farmer burst out of the bushes and said, 'Hey! Have you boys seen my goat?!'
Neither of the boys spoke.
'She's a tricky one,' continued the farmer. 'She runs off every time I turn around... Thought I had her this time, though... I slipped a rope on her and tied her to a big log while I was mending my fence!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l77f9/two_boys_were_out_walking_in_the_woods/
%
called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift

they said VR ready

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l76py/called_the_ups_office_in_germany_to_ask_if_they/
%
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class...

She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"
And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l75qk/a_2nd_grade_teacher_decides_to_teach_sex_ed_to/
%
Why did the US Navy gift the British Navy glass-bottomed boats?

So they could see the old British Navy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l74gs/why_did_the_us_navy_gift_the_british_navy/
%
A man visits a couple...

who are having some marriage issues. The man walks in and sees the wife and asks "Where is Roberto?"
"He's in the barn doing only God knows what," she replies.
So the man begins walking to the barn. As he gets closer he hears music and sees Roberto dancing. Roberto begins to slowly take off his shirt and swings it around his head and throws the discarded shirt on top of the tractor. Roberto does the same thing with his pants. Strips them off, twirls them around his head, and tosses them on the tractor. At this point the man has seen enough and shouts "Roberto what on earth are you doing?!"
Roberto looks up and says "The marriage counselor told me I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l74by/a_man_visits_a_couple/
%
What do you call an elf with a personal trainer?

Elfy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l71jn/what_do_you_call_an_elf_with_a_personal_trainer/
%
Yesterday someone hit me on the head with a tankard and took my wallet.

I'm pretty sure i was mugged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6yn4/yesterday_someone_hit_me_on_the_head_with_a/
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Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?

CrossFit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6yeq/why_did_jesus_look_so_ripped_during_crucifixion/
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Little Johnny

is sitting on the curb shaking a bottle of clear liquid. He'd shake it, stop and look at the bubbles and shake some more. A preacher come along and said, "What's in the bottle son?" Little Johnny looked up at him and said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, this here is turpentine". The preacher said, "Oh no my son, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. If you spread a little of this holy water on a pregnant woman's belly she'll pass a baby". Little Johnny looked up at him again and said, "Shit, that ain't nothin, if you spread a little of this turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a motorcycle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6y8r/little_johnny/
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In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long.

I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6w3l/in_new_york_city_a_fisherman_reeled_in_a_250/
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Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
In *da* pendent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6w0e/every_4th_of_july_america_sends_britain_a_locket/
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Why I don't trust photos taken from a cellphone camera

They seem...phony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6uv2/why_i_dont_trust_photos_taken_from_a_cellphone/
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Poor Mickey

Mickey Mouse is sitting at a bar crying his eyes out.
"Don't take it so hard" says the bartender. "So your wife is acting a little silly. So what? It's no big deal."
Mickey looks up angrily.
"I didn't say she was acting silly, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6tk0/poor_mickey/
%
An admiral is going to battle...

An admiral is going to battle, he meets with his most trusted man and asks how many enemy ships he can see in the horizon
The man replies "sir, i see 2 ships in the distance"
The admiral then tells him to bring him his red coat so that his sailors couldn't see his blood during the battle
The man then brings the coat to the admiral and says to him "sir, now i see 20 enemy ships in the distance"
The admiral watches the horizon in silence for a couple seconds and says "bring me my brown pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6t4a/an_admiral_is_going_to_battle/
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When I die, I want everyone to say he died doing the thing he loved the most

Which is trying not to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6sxl/when_i_die_i_want_everyone_to_say_he_died_doing/
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I met a British Redditor.

His username cheques out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6shz/i_met_a_british_redditor/
%
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary, when...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule." "We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead." "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'Thats once.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6qn7/a_couple_was_celebrating_their_golden_wedding/
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Yea, right.

Johnny was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the owner behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped."
"Except what?"
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" Johny asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
"Ahh, but you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
Johnny: "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. John took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say...
"Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6qh6/yea_right/
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A little girl sits on Santa's lap.

In a jolly manner, Santa asks "What would you like for Christmas?"
The girl replies without hesitation: "I would like a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa sits for a moment, thinking about the request. Caught off guard, he says "But little girl, Barbie comes with Ken."
The girl looks at Santa and with incredible confidence, states: "No Santa, Barbie only fakes it with Ken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6ols/a_little_girl_sits_on_santas_lap/
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Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6nhx/vladimir_putin_and_kim_jong_un_are_discussing/
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Amy Schumer is so unpopular now

No one has even bothered to repost the two cannibals joke in months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6lo8/amy_schumer_is_so_unpopular_now/
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My seatmate on a flight was a woman.

Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6k7t/my_seatmate_on_a_flight_was_a_woman/
%
Flights can seem quicker when you strike up a conversation with someone.

So this guy decides to do so with the young girl sat next to him. "Would you like to chat? It'll make the flight seem quicker." "Ok" say the little girl, "what would you like to talk about?"
Deciding to be wicked he says "what about how there is no god, heaven or hell and we all just die and that's it?"
The little girl responds "Ok, but first answer me this, Horses, cows and deer all eat grass yet a horse poos in clumps a cow in flat pattys and a deer in pellets, why is this?"
Stunned by her intelligence he gives it a seconds thought and says "that's a good question but I don't know" to which the girl responds "how do you suppose to talk about heaven hell and God when you don't know shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6hre/flights_can_seem_quicker_when_you_strike_up_a/
%
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6elq/i_said_to_my_wife_i_need_to_call_the_doctor_today/
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What do you call a group of wankers?

A handful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6dba/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_wankers/
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You know what they say...

The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6bqm/you_know_what_they_say/
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Cocaine isn't addictive

I've been doing it for 5 years i would know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6awy/cocaine_isnt_addictive/
%
A doctor and a lawyer met with an accident....

A doctor and a lawyer in 2 cars collide on a country road.
The lawyer seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepts and has a couple of generous sips and hands it back to the lawyer, who closes it and puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l6a56/a_doctor_and_a_lawyer_met_with_an_accident/
%
What do you give a sick lemon?

Lemon-Aid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l69lh/what_do_you_give_a_sick_lemon/
%
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence ?

Utter destruction...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l63fi/what_do_you_call_a_cow_jumping_over_a_barbed_wire/
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What do french fries do when they met after a long time?

They ketchup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l62zn/what_do_french_fries_do_when_they_met_after_a/
%
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…

''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the fucking bag!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l62uq/i_was_sitting_there_quietly_eating_a_bag_of/
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Kid learns "fancy" words. #1

young Tommy had gotten in trouble at school one day and after a series of events was on the verge of being expelled from his elementary school. To save face the boy's parents invited the superintendent and a few select teacher's over for dinner to discuss Tommy's future at the school. The young boy wanted to be able to turn over a new leaf and really wow the faculty so he decided to learn some new vocabulary to impress tonight's dinner guests.
A couple of hours before the guests arrived Tommy was wandering around the house looking for some pointers. He came across his dad who was in the den watching television. "Good afternoon you Bitches and Bastards!" Said the announcer on the tv.
"Dad, what does Bitches and Bastards mean?" Asked the boy.
"Oh...uhh.." The dad stumbled his words. "It means Ladies and Gentlemen my son." The boy writes this down on his notepad and walks away.
In the kitchen he sees his mom cutting up a spiral ham with a chef's knife. She looks up at him and accidentally slices open her thumb "fucking thing!" She exclaims in a hushed breath as she begins to run her thumb under the sink.
"Mom, what does Fucking mean?"
"Oh... Haha.." She chuckles nervously to and tries to find the words. "It means Carving, you know, to Carve with a knife"
"Cool!" The boy says, and writes this down on his notepad and skips away to the den where he finds his grandpa watching TV.
"Welcome back to XXX after dark, tonight is all about pussies and dicks." A sultry voice from the TV says, the grandpa grabs the remote and shuts the TV off.
"Grandpa, what does pussies and dicks mean?" Asks the boy. "Well.. You see sonny it means..." The nervous grandpa mumbles. "Its a french word for Hats and Coats."
The boy quickly writes this down on his notepad as he is sure that a foreign language would impress the adults. Thank you Grandpa! The boy says, as he runs up to his room to get ready for dinner."
The guests are soon to arrive at any moment and the boy and his family are all ready for their presence. All except his dad who was nowhere to be found. The boy looks around the house for his father and finds him in the bathroom shaving.
"DAD! C'MON!" the boy yells causing the father to knick his cheek with the razor.
"SHIT!" his dad yells as he puts the razor down to face his son.
"Dad, what does shit mean?"
"It means to shave son."
The doorbell rings.
"Please go and answer to our guests, i will be out soon" says the father.
The boy runs to the door clutching his notepad in hand and opens it right as the guests begin to walk in and With confidence in his voice he says,
"Good evening Bitches and Bastards! Please come inside and place your Pussies and Dicks on the coat rack. My mom just finished fucking up the ham and my dad is in the bathroom shitting but he will be with us soon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l619b/kid_learns_fancy_words_1/
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Little Johnny's parents decided to have sex.

So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Johnny says sure and goes out. After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Johnny says " I didn't see any red cars but i found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says " haha well did they leave the curtains open?", Johnny spits out, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting cars"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l5yyt/little_johnnys_parents_decided_to_have_sex/
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The final warning

Three desperately ill men met their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, the second a chain-smoker and the third a homosexual sex addict.
Addressing all three of them, the doctor said: "if any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will definitely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge in his vice.
While walking towards the railway station for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a peg of whiskey. No sooner had he placed the glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone dead.
Totally shaken up, his companions left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came up a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. Frantically, the homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and warned: "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l5yos/the_final_warning/
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"Jesus is watching you!"

A thief breaks into a house at around 3 AM. As he's walking about in the house with his flashlight, he hears a voice whisper,
*"Jesus is watching you!"*
Startled, he points his flashlight towards the source of the voice. In the corner of the room, there's a birdcage with a parrot in it. The thief breathes a sigh of relief and continues on his search for valuables.
*"Jesus is watching you!"* the parrot says again. "Shush, be quiet you!" the thief said in a hushed voice, all the while still looking for stuff to take.
*"Jesus is watching you!"* the parrot exclaims again. The thief is irritated now, so he decides to go over and deal with the bird before something happens.
As he makes it to the cage, he notices the name *JUDAS* on the side of the cage.
"What kind of idiot names his pet parrot *JUDAS*?"
*"The same idiot who names his rottweiler Jesus!"* replied the parrot...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l5vyk/jesus_is_watching_you/
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What do you call a mentally challenged time machine?

A retardis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l5udn/what_do_you_call_a_mentally_challenged_time/
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Finally, I am no longer a 21 year-old virgin

As of today I am a 22 year-old one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l5t37/finally_i_am_no_longer_a_21_yearold_virgin/
%
Why are communist jokes so funny?

Because everybody gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l5s8t/why_are_communist_jokes_so_funny/
%
Why do spiders usually get jobs in tech?

Most of them are already competent web developers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l5qsd/why_do_spiders_usually_get_jobs_in_tech/
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I don't work hard...

...because it would be inappropriate for me to be hard, at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l5pzy/i_dont_work_hard/
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A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l5c2c/a_very_distinguished_lady_was_on_a_plane_arriving/
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How to be cool

A) Use happy sunglasses emoji
B)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l5aa3/how_to_be_cool/
%
Why doesn't America knock?

Because freedom rings!
Happy fourth you beautiful bastards!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l59i0/why_doesnt_america_knock/
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Why is X = 2K + 1 called the teenager equation?

because it can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l58zi/why_is_x_2k_1_called_the_teenager_equation/
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"Therapist" is actually two words.

But only one of them feels good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l585u/therapist_is_actually_two_words/
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Joke my 89 year old grandfather told me for the first time today.

A union boss in Germany finishes his work for the day and is feeling a bit frisky so he heads to the local whorehouse.
He walks in and says to the madame "Before we get down to business I have to ask, are your girls unionized?"
The Madame says they aren't.
"Well then, I'm afraid I can't in good conscious give you my business. Good day to you!"
The Madame sees that he's heading down the street to the next nearest whorehouse. She quickly calls them and explains the situation and says that if they want his money they should just lie and say they're unionized.
So the guy walks in to the second whorehouse and asks if they are unionized.
The Madame replies that they are.
The guys says "Great! Let me see your girls and we can get down to business."
A parade of beautiful girls come in and he chooses the most beautiful, young, busty blonde he'd ever seen in his life. The busy blonde leads him upstairs to the bedrooms and tells him to wait on the bed.
Minutes later an old, shriveled hag comes in and begins to "service" him. After the initial shock wears off he fighters her off and yells for the Madame to come upstairs.
"What the hell is this?!?!?" He screams. "Where's the young busty blonde I picked?"
"Sorry for the misunderstanding, the problem is we're unionized and Agnus has seniority."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l585q/joke_my_89_year_old_grandfather_told_me_for_the/
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Why did the chemist's pants keep falling down?

He had no *acetol*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l56s0/why_did_the_chemists_pants_keep_falling_down/
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What did the statue say when he met his long lost statue brother?

He said, "Hey, is-statue?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l53rs/what_did_the_statue_say_when_he_met_his_long_lost/
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Knock Knock

Who's there?
Alzheimers
Alzheimers who?
Knock knock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l53pk/knock_knock/
%
My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand

I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l535x/my_grandfather_handed_me_an_antique_clock_but_it/
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What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l5338/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_half_a_brain/
%
What do you call the security outside a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l52ci/what_do_you_call_the_security_outside_a_samsung/
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What time did the Monster eat the prime minister?

8PM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l5081/what_time_did_the_monster_eat_the_prime_minister/
%
I saw a black guy riding a bike down the street

I thought it was mine, so I checked my garage and it was still chained up, begging for food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4zzb/i_saw_a_black_guy_riding_a_bike_down_the_street/
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Donald and Bill are bragging about who had sex with more girls in their neghborhood......

Each one says a girl name and the have to say done if they had sex with Her.
-Lindsay the cashier. Bill says done, Donald says done too.
-Brittney the nurse. Bill says done, Donald says done.
And they keep going with a long list of names with no end until Bill says lets finish this fast the only girls in town I didn't have sex with are my mom and my daughter. Donald says DONE and DONE.
Bill says motherfucker you fucked my mom and daughter. Donald says oh no!
I was talking about mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4wxj/donald_and_bill_are_bragging_about_who_had_sex/
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What do you get when 2 giraffes collide?

A giraffic jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4w7q/what_do_you_get_when_2_giraffes_collide/
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Look, I know Deborah ate a worm...

But we are not here to debate de bait Deb ate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4p4q/look_i_know_deborah_ate_a_worm/
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What's the difference between you and a calendar?

The calendar actually has dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4nde/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_a_calendar/
%
Prostitutes and slot machines are sorta alike...

They're fun to play with until they take all of your money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4mew/prostitutes_and_slot_machines_are_sorta_alike/
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What do you call a lady doctor for dinosaurs?

A dynocologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4lul/what_do_you_call_a_lady_doctor_for_dinosaurs/
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How many pilots does it take to make good music?

Apparently at least 22.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4k5z/how_many_pilots_does_it_take_to_make_good_music/
%
There are 10 genders

because gender is a binary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4jnz/there_are_10_genders/
%
How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation?

Natural Selection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4j9i/how_do_they_pick_kids_for_the_makeawish_foundation/
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I might have to drop in on the next meeting of the poop discussion club

I heard they were talking shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4itm/i_might_have_to_drop_in_on_the_next_meeting_of/
%
Just dropped my phone in a load of Mayo

What the Hellmann

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4hgl/just_dropped_my_phone_in_a_load_of_mayo/
%
Whats long and black?

The line to KFC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4gfu/whats_long_and_black/
%
What's the name of the best male strip club in Mexico?

Peek o' the guy-o

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4fjo/whats_the_name_of_the_best_male_strip_club_in/
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the fourth!

Remember - the liquor stores are closed tomorrow so buy your fifth for the fourth on the third right this second as your first priority!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4f7s/the_fourth/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4enq/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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I signed up for binary 101

but it turns out it's a level 5 course

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4e3c/i_signed_up_for_binary_101/
%
Two different testicles

Doctor: You got two different testicles. One is made of wood and the other one is metal.
Man: * **surprised** *
Doctor: Do you have children?
Man: Yes, two - Pinocchio is 3 and Terminator will be 7 soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4def/two_different_testicles/
%
An old Jew

who survived the German concentration camps is living in America. Every Monday he goes to his local convenience store and buys a lotto ticket. One day he hits a winner and wins big. The first thing he buys is a life size statue of Adolph Hitler to put in his living room. His family and friends are shocked. They can't understand his decision and think that he's losing his marbles. Finally his grandson asks him "Grandpa, why did you buy a statute of that horrible man and put it in your living room?" The old Jew gets down on one knee, rolls up his sleeve and replies "well son, old Adolph gave me the winning numbers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4czg/an_old_jew/
%
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
"Just don't tell Dad" she says.
*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."
Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up  and he says:
"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4a85/little_johnny_was_told_by_his_friends_that_adults/
%
Do you know who i am?

Boy: Our principal is so stupid.
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No
Girl: I'm the principal's daughter.
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No
Boy: Good (*walks away)﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l48xh/do_you_know_who_i_am/
%
Yo mamma so fat..

that the only reason she opened her email was because she heard it contained spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l438f/yo_mamma_so_fat/
%
In college, we had a presentation where people dressed up as the different types of quark.

It was pretty boring, but it got a lot more interesting after I fucked up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l424e/in_college_we_had_a_presentation_where_people/
%
A saw a kidnapping...

I let him sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l4006/a_saw_a_kidnapping/
%
What do you call a muscular Arab?

Protein Sheikh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l3z0y/what_do_you_call_a_muscular_arab/
%
Tax on Condoms

A woman walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the woman. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the woman, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l3xqg/tax_on_condoms/
%
I have a few jokes about unemployed people

doesn't matter though, none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l3vqr/i_have_a_few_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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Despite always being made fun of on the internet, I've never seen a fedora-wearing neckbeard in the real life.

I guess that means the stereotype is true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l3roi/despite_always_being_made_fun_of_on_the_internet/
%
3 couples are trying to join a church group

A senior couple, a middle aged couple, and newlyweds.
The priest tells them that to get in the group, they need to go 2 weeks without sex.
2 weeks pass and they come back, the priest asks them how they did.
"no problem" answers the senior couple.
"the first week was difficult but we got through it" reply the middle age couple.
"we failed" sigh the newlyweds
"what happened?" the priest inquires
"well it was difficult, and then one day she was bending over to get a paint can, and we just kind of ended up doing it right there on the floor"
"I'm sorry" says the priest, "but you're not allowed in this group"
"that's alright... We're not allowed in home depot anymore either"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l3ph3/3_couples_are_trying_to_join_a_church_group/
%
Jonny comes home with two black eyes.

"What happened to you?" asks mom.
"Well," says Jonny, "I was riding on the bus this morning and there was a big fat woman
sitting in front of me. She had her dress caught up in her crotch, so I pulled it out, and she
punched me."
"That accounts for one black eye," says mom, "what about the other one?"
"Well," says Jonny, "I could see she did not like that, so I shoved it back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l3ows/jonny_comes_home_with_two_black_eyes/
%
Dad: Have you heard about the pressure washer?

Dad: "have you heard about the pressure washer?"
Daughter: "no."
Dad: *rolls eyes* "pshhhhhhhhhhhhh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l3op0/dad_have_you_heard_about_the_pressure_washer/
%
The three unwritten rules in life

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l3omp/the_three_unwritten_rules_in_life/
%
I tried training for the Samaritans once.

But they told me I wasn't good at listening and I said "what?" and they said I wasn't good at listening.
-- This joke was made by a friend on facebook in the UK who currently has a really really bad time - homeless and suicidal. I found the joke really funny. Would be really nice if I could show him that he is actually a pretty funny lad and has reasons to continue living. (I'm 100% serious!!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l3ls7/i_tried_training_for_the_samaritans_once/
%
The Marble Statue

A woman cheating on her husband hears gets a call from him that he's almost home. "Shit," she yells to her lover, "you won't be able to get out in time. But I have an idea: take some of the flower in the kitchen and stand in the bedroom like a marble statue. Maybe he won't notice."
Husband comes home, walks to the bedroom and sees a beautiful marble statue of a naked man, so he asks his wife what it's for. "Well, honey," says the wife, "I saw one just like it over at the Johnson's last Saturday, and thought I'd buy one." The husband seems to accept this.
Later that night, the husband wakes up and leaves the bedroom. He comes back 10 minutes later with a sandwich and a glass of orange juice. He taps the "statue" on the shoulder and says "here, man, have something. I was at the Johnson's like this all last weekend and didn't even get to have a drink!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l3isb/the_marble_statue/
%
I was at dinner with my girlfriends family

She said "Pass the salt, daddy".
It got really awkward when her father and I both reached for it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l3gl5/i_was_at_dinner_with_my_girlfriends_family/
%
A man finds himself in pure darkness...

Attempting to search for a light source, he waves his arms around.
Feeling a button, he clicks it and a television screen activates. A creature in a strange mask appears.
The strange being then opens it mouth, saying,"I want to play a game."
The man, in horror, can merely stare as the monster explains the rules of this horrific 'game'.
"There are ten boxes. Under one, is a ball, under another is a pail and under the rest is nothing."
"You have to kick the ball if you wish to be freed from this place. Otherwise, you die or are trapped here for as long as I please."
"Here they are," the entity said, gesturing to the ten fateful boxes.
"They will not be lit up when you kick the items within them. Choose wisely, human."
At this moment, the lights switched off.
Mortified, the man followed the path to the boxes. He lifted up his shaking hands, prepared to lift whichever one he chose.
He felt the mocking cardboard laugh at him, threatening to take his life away.
Perhaps this was his punishment, or maybe he was in purgatory. It seemed bad enough.
Oh, the humanity! Trapped in a dark room, with the odds of escaping almost nothing!
In a swift motion, he lifted up a box, hoping to kick the ball.
Instead, he kicked the bucket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l3bra/a_man_finds_himself_in_pure_darkness/
%
News: British man who built world's largest Rubik's cube builds world's largest fidget spinner.

He then went home to the world's emptiest bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l3bcu/news_british_man_who_built_worlds_largest_rubiks/
%
What did the corn chip say to the light bulb?

Are you turned on? Because I'm Frito Lay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l385p/what_did_the_corn_chip_say_to_the_light_bulb/
%
An unemployed person tells a joke,

It didn't make any cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l36u5/an_unemployed_person_tells_a_joke/
%
I went to my first Fight Club last week.

I was unfortunately late to it and so I missed the rules. But I had a great time at Fight Club, and I would strongly recommend Fight Club to everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l364t/i_went_to_my_first_fight_club_last_week/
%
What Did the Giant Say to His Enemy When He Served Him Ramen at a Vietnamese Restaurant?

Fee Fi Fo Fum, Faux Pho For Foe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l34mr/what_did_the_giant_say_to_his_enemy_when_he/
%
What's a difference between a crusade and a homicide

In one, you murder for a book and in other you are booked for a murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l3468/whats_a_difference_between_a_crusade_and_a/
%
How do you drop a small plastic building block?

Lego

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l32so/how_do_you_drop_a_small_plastic_building_block/
%
TIL about a pack of lions that had a massive orgy at the end of last Summer

They were the pride that came before the Fall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l32qr/til_about_a_pack_of_lions_that_had_a_massive_orgy/
%
A man walks into a bar

Then a woman walks into the bar
Another man walks into the same bar
Needless to say, it was an instense limbo competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2xza/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass

Woman: What can we do for you?
Man: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.
Woman: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?
Man: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey...
Woman:And what about the third wish?
Man: Well... she asked the genie to make my dick hang down past my knee.
Woman: Well that one's not so bad eh?
Man: Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2w9w/a_man_walks_into_a_brothel_with_a_honeycomb_and_a/
%
What's the worst thing to hear while you're blowing Willie Nelson?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2una/whats_the_worst_thing_to_hear_while_youre_blowing/
%
A sheep, a drum and a snake all fell down a cliff

Ba. Dumm. Tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2qna/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_all_fell_down_a_cliff/
%
Today I happened to be in the area where I grew up so I went and checked out my old childhood home. I knocked and asked if I could look around a bit, but the owners said no and shut the door in my face.

My parents can be so fucking rude sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2qhr/today_i_happened_to_be_in_the_area_where_i_grew/
%
I tried to take some High Res pictures of my farmland and fields.

They still came out pretty grainy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2q88/i_tried_to_take_some_high_res_pictures_of_my/
%
I brought some shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what they have been laced with, but I have been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2owp/i_brought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
When the wife tries....

A wife bought herself some crotchless panties to be sexy for her hubby.....
She opens her legs and says, "Do you want some of this?"
He says, "Hell no!!! Look what it did to your underwear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2oat/when_the_wife_tries/
%
Little Voice

"Doctor! My wife has lost her voice. What can I do to help her get it back!"
"Try coming home at 3 in the morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2md1/little_voice/
%
My friend asked me if I was interested in a chess tournament.

I said yes and he tried to sell me a sculpture of a woman's tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2isy/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_was_interested_in_a_chess/
%
Why are porn photographers never nervous?

They picture everyone naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2iam/why_are_porn_photographers_never_nervous/
%
Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?

Tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2hym/why_did_the_mexican_throw_his_wife_off_a_cliff/
%
What do you call flying solo in the mile high club?

A Hijacking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2coc/what_do_you_call_flying_solo_in_the_mile_high_club/
%
Did you hear about the masochist Hank Hill?

I hear he's pro-pain and pro-pain accessories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2c2t/did_you_hear_about_the_masochist_hank_hill/
%
How does a panda act when you startle it?

Bamboozled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2c0n/how_does_a_panda_act_when_you_startle_it/
%
What goes 'boooooo' 'boooooo'?

A cow with a stuffy nose...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2a8t/what_goes_boooooo_boooooo/
%
Will Make You Go Blind (Little Johnny Joke)

Johnny was 14 and just started jerking off. He loved to jerk off. However, one day his father walked in on him while he was jerking off.
Johnny was so embarrassed. He quickly pulled up his pants but his dad had already caught him.
His dad said, "Johnny, doing that will make you go blind."
"Dad, I'm over here," said Johnny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l28p3/will_make_you_go_blind_little_johnny_joke/
%
When You Die

A couple had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever.’”
“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l2837/when_you_die/
%
Met this farmer the other day who's taught his sheep to tell jokes!

They were some baaaa'd jokes, let me tell you.
.
... OK I'm done. Packing up my shit. Good night everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l268o/met_this_farmer_the_other_day_whos_taught_his/
%
Effective Suicide Counseling

A desperate-looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off when a filthy tramp wandered by, stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!”
He shrugged and turned away saying, “Okay, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom then."
She didn't jump.........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l20te/effective_suicide_counseling/
%
Parents have "the talk" with their 7 year old son.

Mom: 'Finn, your father and I have decided to have a talk about sex.'
Finn: 'Okay, what do you want to know?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l1zb7/parents_have_the_talk_with_their_7_year_old_son/
%
Nintendo is looking into trying the police force.

There Nintendo cop cars go "Wii U Wii U Wii U"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l1z46/nintendo_is_looking_into_trying_the_police_force/
%
TIL that you can be kicked out of Subway for taking a bite out of someone else's food.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l1yo9/til_that_you_can_be_kicked_out_of_subway_for/
%
What's the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

The way they pronounce "unionized".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l1ui2/whats_the_difference_between_a_plumber_and_a/
%
I like my books like I like my women

Thin, interesting and good in bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l1td7/i_like_my_books_like_i_like_my_women/
%
Young boy working at grocery store ..

So Samar just working another day at his family owned grocery store , trying to put bags of flour on the top shelf , as he's trying to push a bag up it rips and covers him in flour. He gets off the ladder and his uncle is there  and says " Samar Samar ! What happened to you ??"
Samar goes on to explain he was putting a bag of flour on the top shelf the bag ripped open and covered him he's going home to shower, he'll be back. He's almost out of the grocery store and his mom stopped him him, she asks "Samar !!what happened to you ?" More exhaustingly he tells her the same thing " mom ! I was putting a bag of flour in the top shelf, bag ripped open and covered me "
He finally gets out of the store , he's almost home when he sees his dad , shocked wanting to know why he son was not only covered in flour but why he wasn't at work .. his dad says " Samar why are you home ?"
Samar says " Jesus Christ dad I've been white for 15mins and I already hate you Paki bastards "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l1t9l/young_boy_working_at_grocery_store/
%
He died doing what he loved

Is an awful thing to say at the funeral of a drug addict who overdosed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l1pqt/he_died_doing_what_he_loved/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l1olu/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre.

"What Evers the matter?" I asked him.
The old man wiped his eyes and gave out a whispering sniffle "you know son I'm the luckiest man alive. I'm 91 years old, I've traveled around the world, I'm a multi millionaire and I'm married to a beautiful 21 year old woman. We have sex five times a day and she grants me my every desire".
"Wow" I respond "I'm lucky if I get sex five times a month! How can you be sad with all of that?" The man pulled out a snot ridden tissue, wiped his nose and replied:
"I can't remember where I live"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l1htj/i_came_across_a_really_old_man_crying_his_eyes/
%
I just got my best score on the new Indian video game "Sitar Hero 3"!!!

I got five stars on "Curry on My Wayward Son"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l1gip/i_just_got_my_best_score_on_the_new_indian_video/
%
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

As I walked in, She turned to me and said, "You"ve got to make love to me this very moment."
My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all,I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She said "The egg timer's broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l198h/this_morning_my_wife_was_in_the_kitchen_preparing/
%
A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.
They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.
"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into your daughter's vagina. It's still alive, but it doesn't look like it'll be easy to extract without aggravating it and causing it to sting her."
"What do we do!?" the dad asks.
"Well," the doctor says, "Bees like honey. So if you just smear a little honey around the entrance of her privates, it might draw the thing out, and you can grab it with tweezers." And the doctor hands the man a jar of honey and some tweezers.
"Oh no, Doc!" he says. "I'm not touching my girl like that down there! You're the doctor. You do it!"
"Alright," the doctor says. "I guess I can do it. But you should be present, in case..."
"No way! I don't even want to watch this! I'll wait outside." Off the man goes. "Call me when it's over."
He expects it to be a quick procedure, but after five minutes there's still no word. He pokes his head back in the door. The girl is moaning and squirming as the doctor gently, delicately smears honey around the entrance of her vagina, over and over. "I'm so sorry," the doctor stammers awkwardly. "Unfortunately, she's, um... getting so, um... lubricated from the, um... stimulation, the honey just dribbles right out again. I'll have to go a little deeper."
"Alright. Go ahead," the guy says, "Just get it out of there!" And he leaves again.
Five minutes later, he pokes his head in again. Now the doctor is leaning over the young lady, with his arm behind her back and his cheek against her breasts, holding her steady while he thrusts two fingers inside her as deep as they can go. She's moaning and grinding and thrusting her pelvis around on the examination table.
"What the hell, Doc!?" the guy says.
"Well, um... the problem now is, she keeps climaxing from the stimulation of inserting the honey, and the, um... fluids are making the honey leak right out again. So I had to go even deeper. Since she keeps tightening up so much, this was the only angle, I could... well, you know. I'm so sorry."
"Okay," the father says. "Weird, but I guess you know what you're doing." He leaves.
Five minutes later, the guy hears outright screams of ecstasy coming from the doctor's office. He throws the door open and finds the doctor on top of the young woman fucking the shit out of her. "What the hell is going on here!?" he demands to know.
"Change of plans!" the doctor says, thrusting away. "We're gonna drown that little fucker!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l18xo/a_beautiful_young_woman_is_sunbathing_on_the/
%
Why is AT&T park the coldest baseball stadium?

It's full of Giant fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l18tf/why_is_att_park_the_coldest_baseball_stadium/
%
Heres a bit of advice:

advi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l15d8/heres_a_bit_of_advice/
%
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

...but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l12l0/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
%
John was in an accident and his face was badly burned.

The doctors couldn't reconstruct his face with John's own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed Johns face.
After the surgery he looked better than ever! His entire family was amazed, but none of them ever learned where the skin came from; they assumed it was his own.
One night John is overcome with emotion so he begins to cry and tells his wife "I love you so much. I'm so grateful for your sacrifice."
She shrugs and says "Honey, all of the thanks I need comes when your mother kisses you on the cheek."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l12gl/john_was_in_an_accident_and_his_face_was_badly/
%
I came up with this one about 2 years ago

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a marriage, on the rocks." The bartender says "you better keep comin' here then!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l10ua/i_came_up_with_this_one_about_2_years_ago/
%
A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs

A man loses his legs in a train accident
and when hes rushed to hospital
the only available transplant are a child's
so he gets the surgery
and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain
the nurse runs up and says
'sir is it your legs'
and the man goes
'no'
'its my kidneys'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l0wy5/a_man_gets_hit_by_a_train_and_loses_his_legs/
%
A girl visits the Doctor.

The Doctor says "Big Breaths", to which the girl replies "yeth and I'm only thixteen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l0tyr/a_girl_visits_the_doctor/
%
John is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river...

He walks into the river, finally bumping into the preacher...
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks John, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" John shouts, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" John  replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" John answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks John again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up...
The preacher again asks John, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
John staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l0t8t/john_is_stumbling_through_the_woods_totally_drunk/
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What happened to the statistician who was arrested?

He now has zero degrees of freedom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l0sw6/what_happened_to_the_statistician_who_was_arrested/
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Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road ?

Because it got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l0pfi/why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?

Liquor in the front and poker in the back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l0iyo/what_does_a_good_bar_and_a_good_woman_have_in/
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It was two o'clock in the morning...

...and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l0iii/it_was_two_oclock_in_the_morning/
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What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking.
Jk. Rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l0hj0/what_is_harry_potters_favorite_way_to_get_down_a/
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What did the man in Finland say after his meal?

I'm Finnish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l0gon/what_did_the_man_in_finland_say_after_his_meal/
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WARNING 18+ CONTENT

18+4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l0cg7/warning_18_content/
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Newly leaked documents from the Whitehouse show the results of Donald Trumps IQ test.

It came back negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l0al1/newly_leaked_documents_from_the_whitehouse_show/
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What's pink and goes "moo"?

A pig with an identity crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l07eu/whats_pink_and_goes_moo/
%
My dad told me this joke years ago

I'll come back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l03lx/my_dad_told_me_this_joke_years_ago/
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One hell of a job

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to the cops!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss, that’s just my paycheck in my pocket.”
“Oh, really?" she spat. “Then you must have some job, because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l02e1/one_hell_of_a_job/
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How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

You say "Please get out of the pool."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l02c9/how_do_you_get_100_drunk_and_rowdy_canadians_out/
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What did the doctors use to keep 4 Romans alive?

IVs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l023r/what_did_the_doctors_use_to_keep_4_romans_alive/
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I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.

He teared up and hugged me and my brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l01rq/i_told_my_dad_to_embrace_his_mistakes/
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Anna is Still in Mourning

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago and her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer you my deepest condolences."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l0168/anna_is_still_in_mourning/
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Why was Marx bad at dating?

He only talked about seizing the means of production.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6l000o/why_was_marx_bad_at_dating/
%
Why did the French give USA the Statue of Liberty?

Because they have no use for a statue with only one arm up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzz4d/why_did_the_french_give_usa_the_statue_of_liberty/
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a west Virginian man is driving down the road

when he sees a old man in the middle of a field
casting a fishing rod, over and over
the man then turns to his wife, while pulling over saying this is why west Virginians get such a bad rap
he gets out of his car and shouts at the old man "Hey, your the reason, us west Virginians get such a bad rap, and what are you even doing?"
the old man replies with "i'm fishing what does it look like."
the man then says "if i could swim i would kick your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzyby/a_west_virginian_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
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Why did the pc player cross the road?

To sell their soul to the devil for a graphics card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzy40/why_did_the_pc_player_cross_the_road/
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What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzx4c/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

**Because you didn't fucking cook it!** ~ Gordan Ramsey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzwop/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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I watched a documentary on perpetual energy last night

It went on forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzway/i_watched_a_documentary_on_perpetual_energy_last/
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Which word begins with an "F" - and ends with "U-C-K?"

Firetruck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzuio/which_word_begins_with_an_f_and_ends_with_uck/
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How many sides does a circle have ?

Two.
Inside & Outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzrgf/how_many_sides_does_a_circle_have/
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The only thing sadder than a gluten free funeral...

is a flourless grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzpo1/the_only_thing_sadder_than_a_gluten_free_funeral/
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What does a Reverend and a Christmas tree have in common?

The balls are both for decoration
"P.S. Haven't seen this joke here yet so I thought I'd share, also isn't my creation one of my friends told me it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzpcb/what_does_a_reverend_and_a_christmas_tree_have_in/
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What's the difference between Muslim women and white women?

White women get stoned **BEFORE** sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzonw/whats_the_difference_between_muslim_women_and/
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If the inside of a fire hydrant is covered with H2O, what's on the outside?

K9P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzoc6/if_the_inside_of_a_fire_hydrant_is_covered_with/
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I'm not addicted to cocaine...

I just like the smell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kznga/im_not_addicted_to_cocaine/
%
Vaccines

People that don't vaccinate their kids make me sick...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzlzr/vaccines/
%
How many tennis players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

What?!? It's out? That's totally in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzl9e/how_many_tennis_players_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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Elton John thinks that "sorry" seems to be the hardest word.

He clearly hasn’t been to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzl79/elton_john_thinks_that_sorry_seems_to_be_the/
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What is your zodiac sign?

Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzic9/what_is_your_zodiac_sign/
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Man has plans to kill his wife

This guy is talking to a group of friends,
"I want my wife dead, but I don't want to do it myself, I'll pay anyone $1000 to kill her for me".
One of his friends Arty speaks up and says,
"I don't like your wife either, I'll do it for a dollar".
"Great"! He responds, "you can find her at Coles Monday morning, good luck".
**Monday morning arrives**
Arty approaches his friend's wife from behind, wraps his hands round her neck, and asphyxiates her to death. Pleased with himself, Arty turns around to find that one of the customers has seen the whole thing, so he does what is necessary and strangles her to death too. Accomplished, Arty walks round the corner to find the manager, peering through some shelves, he had witnessed the entire incident. Once again, Arty must take matters into account, and suffocates a second innocent bystander.
*Arty leaves*
Over the next few weeks, police find out about the entire thing.
Do you know what the headline in the paper was the following day?
**Arty chokes three for a dollar at Coles**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzi1m/man_has_plans_to_kill_his_wife/
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How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzgy7/how_many_software_engineers_does_it_take_to/
%
My weed is like my quran

When i burn it i get stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzgrb/my_weed_is_like_my_quran/
%
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

They have big fingers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kze4d/why_do_gorillas_have_big_nostrils/
%
What should you do if a nutritionist knocks on your door?

Vitamin!
(Note: this only works with an American accent).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kze3v/what_should_you_do_if_a_nutritionist_knocks_on/
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A man goes into a job interview.

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied, "Oh, that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay, I got a yob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzd2w/a_man_goes_into_a_job_interview/
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(Long) Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope...

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said..
'This is your asshole before prison... '"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzciq/long_two_young_guys_appear_in_court_after_being/
%
I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid.

Man, she really wanted a daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzcii/i_still_remember_when_my_mom_used_to_tuck_me_in/
%
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says, "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kzbe2/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_fruit_punch/
%
What do you call a Chinese woman with a food mixer on her head?

Brenda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kz864/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_woman_with_a_food/
%
A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"

The man said, "What little girl?!"
The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"
The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"
The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kz7m1/a_policeman_pulled_a_man_over_and_as_he/
%
Cannibal Fruit Test

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kz6s4/cannibal_fruit_test/
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What is DJ Khaled's favourite number?

11, because it has another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kz6l0/what_is_dj_khaleds_favourite_number/
%
So Little Billy's rooster died

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kz67v/so_little_billys_rooster_died/
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The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines...

They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kz4di/the_women_i_meet_in_bars_always_have_the_worst/
%
I hate it when people mix up Your and You're.

Their so stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kz3nh/i_hate_it_when_people_mix_up_your_and_youre/
%
Apparently, someone in Detroit gets stabbed every 52 secconds

Poor bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kz39z/apparently_someone_in_detroit_gets_stabbed_every/
%
Honey? What would you do if we'd win in the lottery?

Wife: Well i would probably take half and divorce you.
Husband: Good, we just won 50, here is 25 now get the fuck out of here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kz2xo/honey_what_would_you_do_if_wed_win_in_the_lottery/
%
How does a cannibal say hello?

He offers you a handshake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kz225/how_does_a_cannibal_say_hello/
%
Teacher asked kids to tell her what they liked the most about her and she would tell them who they would be when they grew up.

Sally : I like your hair teacher!
Teacher: well, you're going to be a hair stylist!
George : I like your teeth teacher!
T : Well, you're going to be a dentist.
Then little Johhny jumps out of his seat and yells : I already know what i'm gonna be!
T : well, tell us.
Johhny : A milkman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kz1he/teacher_asked_kids_to_tell_her_what_they_liked/
%
I believe in giving jobs to the mentally disabled...

but we shouldn't elect them President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kyzwp/i_believe_in_giving_jobs_to_the_mentally_disabled/
%
Why did the blonde wear a tanktop to school?

Because the constitution says you have the right to bear arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kyy84/why_did_the_blonde_wear_a_tanktop_to_school/
%
Kevin came home from elementary school one day...

...with a smile and exclaimed, "Dad! I got the highest score in class on the math test!"
"That's because you're from Louisiana, son!" The father replies.
The next day, Kevin returns from school again with excitement in his voice.
"Dad, guess what!?!" he says happily. "I can spell more words than anyone else in class!"
"That's because you're from Louisiana, son!" he responds again.
Again the next day, Kevin returns home with glee.
"Dad! I can read faster than anyone in class. Is that because I'm from Louisiana too?" he asks.
"That's right son!" his father tell him.
The following day, Kevin returns home with more good news.
"Dad! I was looking around the showers after gym class, and I have the biggest fire hose in the class! Is that also because I'm from Louisiana?" Kevin wonders.
His father turns to him and says, "No Kevin, that's because you're 18."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kyy5r/kevin_came_home_from_elementary_school_one_day/
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An old joke lost in the comment section

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kyv62/an_old_joke_lost_in_the_comment_section/
%
Boy:"Hey,do you have a band aid?"

Girl:"NO,why?"
Boy:"I broke my knee when i fell for you "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kyqxl/boyheydo_you_have_a_band_aid/
%
I saw a rock the other day that has been painted on..

The words: Turn me Over ----->
I turn the rock over then it says:
"You just took orders from a rock
Are you stoned?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kypoo/i_saw_a_rock_the_other_day_that_has_been_painted/
%
What do weight lifter's do in the shower?

Clean and Jerk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kyp8v/what_do_weight_lifters_do_in_the_shower/
%
If you want to lose weight, start the Lance Armstrong diet

Just have one nut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kyp3i/if_you_want_to_lose_weight_start_the_lance/
%
What's the difference between funnel cake and a punk rocker's hairdo?

One is fried dough and the other is a dyed fro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kynta/whats_the_difference_between_funnel_cake_and_a/
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True story but potential to be a joke (my friends experience this morning on the train)

Woman jumps on the train this morning with a veil type hood covering her hair and her face where you see nothing but the eyes (I dont know religious garments but didn't really look like a religious garment to me). When she gets on, the guy next to her leans over and calmly whispers "You know we live in Australia right? Why do you Islams continue to dress like that?"
Lady just looks at him wierd, rips off her head gear and says "You know we live in Melbourne right...I'm not Muslim, I'm cold, you f***** idiot" then walks off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kynr4/true_story_but_potential_to_be_a_joke_my_friends/
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Problem Child

Psychiatrist to the mother of a problem child:
"You are far too upset and worried about your son. I'm going to prescribe some tranquilizers for you. I suggest you take them regularly."
On the next visit: "So, have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes, they have."
"And how is your son now?"
"Who cares?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kyn39/problem_child/
%
Old lady in a fancy restaurant leans over to her hubby and says , I've done a silent fart what should I do?

Husband says 'change the batteries in your hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kyikn/old_lady_in_a_fancy_restaurant_leans_over_to_her/
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kyi8j/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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What's your stance on midget porn?

A low squatting thrust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ky6nd/whats_your_stance_on_midget_porn/
%
Lately I've noticed a strange fascination shared by everybody that comes over to my house. They can't seem to get enough of this one Stephen King book I have on my shelf.

I guess it's true what they say; company loves Misery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ky66l/lately_ive_noticed_a_strange_fascination_shared/
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Why don't blind people Wingsuit?

Too much drag from the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ky40j/why_dont_blind_people_wingsuit/
%
Did you hear Muhammad Ali burnt his hand in a few fights?

That's what happens when you punch George Foreman in the grill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ky3jw/did_you_hear_muhammad_ali_burnt_his_hand_in_a_few/
%
How are a tornado and an Arkansas divorce alike?

Whichever one happens, somebody's going to lose a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ky3f5/how_are_a_tornado_and_an_arkansas_divorce_alike/
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A temple for atheists...

Is a "nonprophet" organisation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxxgf/a_temple_for_atheists/
%
My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxxci/my_girlfriends_parents_called_me_a_disgusting/
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A patient says to a dentist : " you pulled out a tooth in like 3 seconds and you get the money, not fair! What an easy career"

The dentist replies: " sounds right. Let's make it 3 hours long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxt8j/a_patient_says_to_a_dentist_you_pulled_out_a/
%
I think I have Alzheimer's...

I don't remember being this magnificent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxt1z/i_think_i_have_alzheimers/
%
Whats more fun than spinning a baby around on a clothesline?

Stopping it with a shovel ;;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxri4/whats_more_fun_than_spinning_a_baby_around_on_a/
%
Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxoha/why_did_the_console_player_cross_the_road/
%
My wife asked me where I wanted to be buried...

Although I'm pretty sure "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the reply she was looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxoek/my_wife_asked_me_where_i_wanted_to_be_buried/
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NASA was preparing for the Apollo Program

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.  After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxo6d/nasa_was_preparing_for_the_apollo_program/
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What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The f

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxnks/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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Me and my german girlfriend like to rate our sex from 1 to 10

Last night we tried anal and she kepted yelling nine, best score i've gotten so far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxmk5/me_and_my_german_girlfriend_like_to_rate_our_sex/
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What does Bruce Lee drink after a hard work out?

Wa-TAH!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxj9y/what_does_bruce_lee_drink_after_a_hard_work_out/
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What do transgenders put on their salad?

Crossdressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxhnb/what_do_transgenders_put_on_their_salad/
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I multiplied some imaginary shit by the negative square root of negative one

Shit just got real!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxg8t/i_multiplied_some_imaginary_shit_by_the_negative/
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If I had legs I would take life more seriously.

As it stands, I don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxg4y/if_i_had_legs_i_would_take_life_more_seriously/
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Two men are walking down a country road.

They come upon a farmhouse. Exhausted from their journey, they decide to seek food and lodgings. They knock on the door and are greeted with a smile.
"Might we trouble you for a meal and a place to sleep?" they ask.
"Sure!" the farmer responds, "But you'll have to harvest one hundred of my crops in exchange."
They agree and run off to begin their work. The first guy picks one hundred peas and returns to the farmer.
"Ok, now drop your pants and bend over." the farmer commands.
"Fuck no!" the man responds, "I'm not doing that!"
The farmer cocks his shotgun, points it at him, and reissues his command.
Reluctantly, the man complies and the farmer begins inserting peas into the man's anus.
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eig-"
The man laughs and all the peas fall out. The farmer gets annoyed and starts again.
"Twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thir-"
The man laughs again and all the peas fall out. The farmer, now angry, starts again.
"Sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight, sixty-nine, seventy, seventy-one, seventy-two, se-"
The man laughs again and all the peas fall out. The farmer groans angrily and starts over.
"Eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one, ninety-two, ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety-five, nine-"
The man laughs again and all the peas fall out.
"WHAT IS SO DAMNED FUNNY?!?!" the farmer exclaims in a fit of rage.
The man responds, "The other guy is picking Watermelons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxcid/two_men_are_walking_down_a_country_road/
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A mother is helping her son study for a test : She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"

He replies "Berlin."
She then asks "What is the capital of France?"
He replies "Berlin."
She asks "What is the capital of Russia?"
He replies "Berlin."
She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxbz7/a_mother_is_helping_her_son_study_for_a_test_she/
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Two Gators

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?"
"I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.
"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kxav4/two_gators/
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How do you know that donut is created by God

It's holy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kx2vf/how_do_you_know_that_donut_is_created_by_god/
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What kind of car does a Japanese horse drive?

A neigh-san

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kx0a2/what_kind_of_car_does_a_japanese_horse_drive/
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An elderly man walks into confession and says...

“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father… I'm Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwye2/an_elderly_man_walks_into_confession_and_says/
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What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday... the rest are weekdays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwya1/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
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There once was a boy named Nate.

He lived across the street from a lever, that if it were to be pulled, the world would end.
One day, Nate was bored, so he decided to cross the street and check out this world-ending lever. However, on his way across the street, a truck came speeding down.
This truck driver had two options. Either hit Nate and kill him, or swerve, and hit the lever, ending the world. Not wanting to end the world, the truck driver hit Nate, killing him instantly.
Moral of the story: Better Nate than lever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwxbi/there_once_was_a_boy_named_nate/
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What happens when you put Nutella on Salmon?

You get salmonella
Sorry if it's a repost. My friends just told me it:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwugi/what_happens_when_you_put_nutella_on_salmon/
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What song did the wife play for her husband to tell him she's fucking his best friend?

You've got a friend in me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwtoj/what_song_did_the_wife_play_for_her_husband_to/
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Who's the best rapper in the jungle?

Kendrick Lemur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwsvd/whos_the_best_rapper_in_the_jungle/
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How is Whitney Houston best coordinated?

HAAAAAAAAAAAAND-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kws5j/how_is_whitney_houston_best_coordinated/
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I pushed a random old guy's Life Alert to see what would happen.

He got so angry, he had a heart attack.
Good thing the ambulance was already on it's way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwrt8/i_pushed_a_random_old_guys_life_alert_to_see_what/
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What's a Black Adder?

An African American Accountant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwq17/whats_a_black_adder/
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How did Pythagoras win a Fishing Competition?

He was a Good Angler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwppo/how_did_pythagoras_win_a_fishing_competition/
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My addiction to computer gaming started when my family bought a PC in the 90's...

I guess that was my Gateway drug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwlwa/my_addiction_to_computer_gaming_started_when_my/
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My mom just told me this one

Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?
Me: really? Who?
Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...
Me: Witherspoon?
Mom: no, with her knife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwl49/my_mom_just_told_me_this_one/
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From where do you get pineapple milk?

From its pinenipples!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwkhp/from_where_do_you_get_pineapple_milk/
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What do you call a Communist sniper?

A MarxMan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwgkx/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
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Death or Boola Boola

Three men are on an expedition in the Amazon when they are captured by a native tribe. They are bound and lined up in the central area surrounded by tents.
The chief comes up to the first guy and asks "Death or Boola Boola?" First guy says "well i don't know what Boola Boola is, but i don't want to die. So i choose Boola Boola." The chief cuts his bindings and he is hauled off to the tent.
Inside he sees a large native, with an exceptionally large dick. He bends over the first guy and fucks him in the ass. Outside the others hear the first guy scream really loudly, and in five minutes walk out of the tent bleeding from his ass. The chief lets him go free.
The chief comes up to the second guy and asks "Death or Boola Boola?" Second guy says "I don't want to die. So i choose Boola Boola." The chief cuts his bindings and he is hauled off to the tent.
Inside he sees a large native, and the same result is had. Outside the last guy hears the second guy scream really loudly, and in five minutes walk out of the tent bleeding from his ass. The chief lets him go free.
The chief approaches the last guy and asks "Death or Boola Boola?" The last guy says "well i have already seen what Boola Boola is, and i would rather die than have someone fuck me in the ass!"
The chief smiles and nods.
"Okay, death... by Boola Boola!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwfkt/death_or_boola_boola/
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What sound do mexican ducks make?

Guac! Guac!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwdnz/what_sound_do_mexican_ducks_make/
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There was a 4 car wreck in Mexico this morning.

93 people died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kwddl/there_was_a_4_car_wreck_in_mexico_this_morning/
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I rear-ended a car the other day

and out comes a little person.  He says to me, "I'm not happy", so I reply, "Then which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kw96y/i_rearended_a_car_the_other_day/
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Kim Jong Un asked a well known North Korean composer to create a piece for him

The composer had many months to find people to play, and to write a piece. Once it was performed on stage, it sounded terrible. The players werent synchronized, and they were all playing the wrong notes. That night the composer was set to be executed.
Before the composer was put in the electric chair, he asked for a extremely spicy curry. When they shocked him, nothing happened. Kim Jong Un saw this as a miracle, and allowed him to have a second chance.
Once again, the composer was given many months to prepare another piece, and then came the time to perform. Like the first time, the entire orchestra was in disarray, with some people even droping their instruments. The compose was to be executed that night.
Again, before he was shocked, he asked for another curry, one so spicy that flames would appear. His wish was granted, and after he finished, was shocked. Except he didn't die. Kim Jong Un was in a good mood that day, and allowed him to have another chance.
Once again, the composer was given time to gather more people to play, and to write another song. On the day of the performance, the same thing happened. Nothing went right in the performance, it was even worse than the previous ones. Kim Jong Un was furious, and that night, once again, the composer was put in the electric chair.
Ths time, he asked for another curry, the spiciest in the world. Kim Jong Un refused his request, and lead on with the execution. The president wanted to personally press the button to lead to his death. After it was pressed, nothing happened, Kim Jong Un pressed it once more to make sure he wasn't imagining things, but there sat the composer, without even a scratch on him. Too shocked for words, the president stammared "H-how??". The composer looked at him and grinned, saying "The curry didn't have anything to do with it, i'm just a bad conductor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kw4fb/kim_jong_un_asked_a_well_known_north_korean/
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I've got a meeting with the HR Manager tomorrow morning about my arrogant attitude...

Fuck 'em.  Like I've got time to turn up for their bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kw0zf/ive_got_a_meeting_with_the_hr_manager_tomorrow/
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A clown held open a door for me today.

I thought it was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvzwm/a_clown_held_open_a_door_for_me_today/
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I became a proud dad today.

My son's actually five but he was a boring little twat for the first four years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvzv8/i_became_a_proud_dad_today/
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My Korean friend died recently

So Yung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvya3/my_korean_friend_died_recently/
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Everyday a doctor walks into a bar to chat and drink with the bartender named Dick.

Every time the doctor enters he gets an almond daiquiri.  One day dick ran out of almonds and used hickory.
Doctor: Is this an almond daiquiri Dick?
Dick: No, it's a hickory daiquiri Doc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvxi0/everyday_a_doctor_walks_into_a_bar_to_chat_and/
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Two men make a bet

Two men are sitting at a bar, on the top floor of a skyscraper.
The first man looks at the second and says, "Hey, would you give me $50 to jump out that window?"
"Bet," the other man says.
So the first man stands up, opens the window, and jumps.
Not five minutes later, the second man hears the elevator ding, and to his great surprise, the first man walks out, and holds out his hand for his $50.
"Tell you what," the first man says, taking the money, "I'll bet you double that you can do the same."
The second man shrugs, slapping a $100 on the bar. "Sure, if you can do it, so can I." Then he jumps.
***SPLAT***
The first man folds the $100 into his wallet, and orders another drink. The bartender sighs.
"Superman, you're a really mean drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvvb5/two_men_make_a_bet/
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History lesson

A teacher was attempting to teach American history to her elementary students. She said I will give you a famous quotation from history and I want all who know who said it and when to raise their hand. She said "Give me liberty or give me death." The only one that raised a hand was a Japanese boy. She called on him and he said Patrick Henry 1775. Then she said "We have only begun to fight." Again only the little Japanese boy raised his hand. She called on him and he said Franklin Roosevelt 1936. She started to admonish the class you should be ashamed here is a boy not even born in this country that knows it's history better than you do. An anonymous voice pipes up from the rear "screw those Japanese" the teacher asked  "Who said that/" Again the voice, Harry Truman 1945.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvv61/history_lesson/
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Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvt5g/why_arent_there_any_knock_knock_jokes_about/
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Two brothers are laid off from work and go to the unemployment office.

The two of them apply for unemployment. The first brother is asked his occupation to which he replies, "I am a panty stitcher. I sew pantyhose for women."
The clerk looks up his occupation and finds it to be unskilled labor. He gives the brother 300$ a week for unemployment.
The clerk asks the second brother his occupation and he says, "Diesel Fitter."
It is looked up and found to be skilled labor so the brother is given $600 a week for unemployment.
The first brother is angry and says it's not fair his brother gets more money than he does.
"Well his job requires more skill." Replies the clerk.
"What skill? I sew the pantyhose and he holds them up and says, 'diesel fitter.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvse6/two_brothers_are_laid_off_from_work_and_go_to_the/
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What do you call a bird born in the 90s?

A Millennial Falcon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvosu/what_do_you_call_a_bird_born_in_the_90s/
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A woman is having heart problems...

She goes to the doctor's office, and is prescribed testosterone. A few weeks later she returns and says, "Doc, whatever you gave me is working wonders, I feel great! However, I have been growing hair in some weird places."  The doc simply says that it was to be expected, and then asks, "Where, exactly, are you growing this hair?"
The woman looks the doctor square in the eye and says, "On my balls, doc, my balls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvnqm/a_woman_is_having_heart_problems/
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Ludwig van Beethoven

A music scholar was touring through a graveyard in Vienna when he heard music coming out of a grave. On inspection, he found the headstone as Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. The music was the Ninth Symphony being played backwards. He soon rang up a friend who came in time to hear the Seventh Symphony being played backwards. They hurried to call an expert who hurried to them to hear the Fifth Symphony playing backwards. All the more weird was the fact that symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed. When the caretaker of the graveyard heard this, the only comment he made was, "What's the wonder! He's just decomposing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvnlh/ludwig_van_beethoven/
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Some people say I have my Father's face

Not sure how they know, the briefcase I put it in is locked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvkid/some_people_say_i_have_my_fathers_face/
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Juggling

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvfqb/juggling/
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Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child.

She must be found and stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvf6b/somewhere_on_this_globe_every_ten_seconds_there/
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A man is meeting with his boss and his boss's boss for brunch.

All three of their wives are joining them to eat. Among the conversation, the man's boss's boss asks his wife to pass him the sugar.
"Pass the sugar, sugar."
Then his boss looks at his wife to pass him the honey.
"Pass the honey, honey." He says.
The man thinks he should match his boss's and boss's boss's humor.
He looks to his wife and says, "Pass the tea, bag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kvb9j/a_man_is_meeting_with_his_boss_and_his_bosss_boss/
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Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses

. The other one calls '911' and the operator answers.
"This is 911, what is your emergency?" she says.
"Uh... My friend is dead I don't know what to do!" the man replies.
"Ok, calm down. Firstly, you gotta make sure he actually is dead", the woman says.
"Fine, give me 1 second"
*Gunshot fired*
"Ok, what now?" the man asks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kv3w2/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_forest_when_one_of/
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My bacon kept curling in the frying pan

so I took away their little brooms and rocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kv3oc/my_bacon_kept_curling_in_the_frying_pan/
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I'd give you $1M if you let me bite your nipple

Woman: Sure!
*licked and sucked the nipple*
Woman: Why didn't you bite my nipple?
Man: Well, I don't have $1M.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kuz9z/id_give_you_1m_if_you_let_me_bite_your_nipple/
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A blind guy visited his choir mistress

at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.
After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, “Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?”
He replied, “Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kuz99/a_blind_guy_visited_his_choir_mistress/
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A Mexican magician once counted...

Uno, dos and vanished without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kuyf0/a_mexican_magician_once_counted/
%
A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kuxvv/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_around_christmas/
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I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold

Now I know it actually means getting back at someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kuvl4/i_used_to_think_revenge_was_a_dish_best_served/
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Have you ever stuck your dick in a tub of almond butter?

It's fucking nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kuvh0/have_you_ever_stuck_your_dick_in_a_tub_of_almond/
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as i spread my girlfriends legs I thought

this is the strangest thing i've ever had on toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kuu3p/as_i_spread_my_girlfriends_legs_i_thought/
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Australians don't have sex

Australians mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kurld/australians_dont_have_sex/
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A Lawyer

(title cont.) is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kurlc/a_lawyer/
%
So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kur03/so_the_pope_is_super_early_for_his_flight/
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Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?

Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kuo6o/do_you_know_how_to_confuse_a_coal_miner/
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Why was the gambler obsessed with getting to heaven?

He heard it was a pair of dice.
Courtesy of my 8 year old. I'm a bad parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kuo6e/why_was_the_gambler_obsessed_with_getting_to/
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The surgeon

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kun5z/the_surgeon/
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Mountains aren't just funny.....

....they're hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kukk0/mountains_arent_just_funny/
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I'm a day late, but here's some Canadian jokes I came up with

1.) What do you call a Canadian military group?
- *The Eh Team*
2.) Welcome to Canada: Native land of the world's two sexiest Ryan's and the world's two most hated Justin's.
3.) Canadians are great at introducing themselves to strangers since they're so used to breaking the ice.
4.) Canada only has one team in the MLB because we don't like to hit, only one team in the NBA because we don't like to shoot, but we have seven teams in the NHL because we really give a puck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kuhwq/im_a_day_late_but_heres_some_canadian_jokes_i/
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If your girl can cook Chinese marry her because

Schezwan of a kind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kuhni/if_your_girl_can_cook_chinese_marry_her_because/
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My girlfriend left me today because i'm to insecure

No wait she's back, she just just got back from grocery shopping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kug43/my_girlfriend_left_me_today_because_im_to_insecure/
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How many ears does captain Kirk have?

Three. left, right and a final front ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kufy8/how_many_ears_does_captain_kirk_have/
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My life

thats it, thats the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kuf1s/my_life/
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I have a few jokes about unemployed people.

but it doesn't matter. none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kue9x/i_have_a_few_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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A reporter goes to the Middle East for an interview.

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kudk1/a_reporter_goes_to_the_middle_east_for_an/
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Son: “Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with four girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He isn't your father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kubt2/son_daddy_i_fell_in_love_want_to_date_this/
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[NSFW][long] A woman pregnant with triplets is shot in a bank robbery...

She goes to the doctor.
The woman is in a stable condition, but the doctor says that her children will simply urinate out the bullets in their teenage.
17 years later, the mother's first daughter comes and tells the mother
"Mom... I was in the bathroom and a bullet came out of me..."
Mother is confused for a second, but then remembers the incident. She tells her that it's fine, explaining the incident.
A few days later, her second daughter comes to the mother with a huge panic.
"Mom, I was in the bathroom and then I felt this weird piece of metal come out of me and I don't know how it got in there and..."
Mother stops her and tells her the story, calming her down.
A little bit later, the mother's son comes downstairs sweating with anxiety.
"Mom? I Think we should go to the doctor..."
Mother laughs and says "let me guess, you peed and a bullet came out? It's all fine, don't worry!"
...
The son replies:
"I masturbated and shot the dog"
&nbsp;
^^^^^^^^^e:1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kubah/nsfwlong_a_woman_pregnant_with_triplets_is_shot/
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If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian...

Then Soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kuavn/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
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Note: disability jokes are not FUNNY

My friend in a wheelchair can't stand it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kuaus/note_disability_jokes_are_not_funny/
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I'm against gay marriage.

They've suffered enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ku8p0/im_against_gay_marriage/
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I know a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ku5y9/i_know_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_98/
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I got kicked out of school for letting a girl jerk me off in class

This is te fourth time it has happened,
I don't think teaching is for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ku5mx/i_got_kicked_out_of_school_for_letting_a_girl/
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There is an ice cream called batman

Just ice was served

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ku4xv/there_is_an_ice_cream_called_batman/
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How do fish get high?

Seaweed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ku4dv/how_do_fish_get_high/
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A blonde calls a 24/7 support call center

The blonde asks what hours they are open for. The technical support person says “we are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.” The blonde stops for a moment a thinks. After a while she asks “is that Eastern or Pacific time?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ku3oe/a_blonde_calls_a_247_support_call_center/
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Women are like parking spaces

The good ones are taken and the available ones are disabled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ku1wn/women_are_like_parking_spaces/
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A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ku1wc/a_policeman_arrives_at_the_crime_scene/
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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator...

Only a fraction of people will think this is funny, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ku1l3/theres_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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A Priest is Fishing

With an old friend, suddenly he gets a bite on the line and lands a huge fish. "Wow thats a big Fucker!" The friend says. "Please watch your language, friends though we are I am still a priest" "No thats what the fish is called, its called a Fucker!". Pleased with his catch the Priest goes home and crosses paths with the Bishop.
"Look at this big Fucker I caught!" Says the Priest. "Father! Watch your language!" The Bishop exclaims but the Priest explains that the fish is called a Fucker. The Bishop decides to scale and gut the Fucker and ask the Mother Superior to cook it.
"Mother Superior, will you cook this Fucker?" The Bishop asks. The Mother Superior berates both Bishop and Priest before they tell her the fish is called a Fucker. She agrees to cook the Fucker and serve it to the Pope when he returned that evening.
Priest, Bishop, Mother Superior and Pope enjoy the meal. "Lord Above that was a fantastic meal!" The Pope says. "Thank you your Holiness, I caught the Fucker, the Bishop gutted the Fucker and the Mother Superior cooked the Fucker".
Silence falls across the table as the Pope deadeyes all three of them, leans back, puts his feet up and says "Not bad for a bunch of cunts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ktzo9/a_priest_is_fishing/
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Boobs are like legos

They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ktwj6/boobs_are_like_legos/
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I have a logic fetish

I can't stop coming to conclusions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ktunb/i_have_a_logic_fetish/
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What's the difference between having the same job for 20 years and having the same wife for 20 years?

The job still blows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ktul0/whats_the_difference_between_having_the_same_job/
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What did the sadist do to the masochist?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ktt2v/what_did_the_sadist_do_to_the_masochist/
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An Army general and a Navy admiral are both in a public restroom.

The admiral finishes peeing, and leaves without washing his hands. The general also finishes up, but washes his hands.
On the way out the door, the general asks, "What, did they not teach you to wash your hands in the Navy?"
The admiral replies, "No, they taught us not to pee on our hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ktpcp/an_army_general_and_a_navy_admiral_are_both_in_a/
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I worked on a farm for 5 years so I used Farmersonly.com

You didn't even need a pick up line, just a pick up truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ktoix/i_worked_on_a_farm_for_5_years_so_i_used/
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What do you call a Japanese spice demon?

Pepper-oni.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ktkt0/what_do_you_call_a_japanese_spice_demon/
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Tennis players grunt too much when they practice...

There's no need for all that racket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kticl/tennis_players_grunt_too_much_when_they_practice/
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What's big, green and if it falls out a tree it could kill you

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kthei/whats_big_green_and_if_it_falls_out_a_tree_it/
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My girlfriend wanted a traditional wedding;

Guess I didn't offer her father enough goats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ktgwu/my_girlfriend_wanted_a_traditional_wedding/
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My therapist told me, "Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them."

Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ktgsb/my_therapist_told_me_write_letters_to_the_people/
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What do you call ripped paper?

A piece of sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ktcha/what_do_you_call_ripped_paper/
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One nun to another: "Why did you put that condom on the piano"

—"We don't have an organ to put it on".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ktc2t/one_nun_to_another_why_did_you_put_that_condom_on/
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A man enters a bus...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautifully dressed blonde.The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: "It's golf balls."Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked:"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kt7gn/a_man_enters_a_bus/
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Three black ladies were on a plane

They were good friends and were really excited to travel together. However, this was the first time they had ever been on a plane so they were understandably quite nervous. They began discussing what precautions they had taken to relief their fears.
The first lady said "I'm wearing bright green panties. That way, if we crash into the ocean, my butt would float and they'd see me first!"
The second lady retorted "I'm wearing bright pink panties. That way, if we crash into the ground, they'd see me first!"
The two looked at the last one expectantly who replied "I'm not wearing any panties at all"
The other two were intrigued and of course asked "Why?"
The third lady answered nonchalantly "Whenever a plane crashes, the first thing they look for is the black box"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kt7be/three_black_ladies_were_on_a_plane/
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There once was a country with strict population growth rules.

The population was so low, the government had enacted a law that required all couples to have children within 5 years of their marriage. Should a couple fail to produce a child during this period, a government official would be sent to "get the job done".
Such was the situation of a couple, who had, just last week, had their 5th anniversary together, and despite many attempts, the wife didn't get pregnant. They were sent an official letter that stated the day the official would visit their house.
In the morning of the visit day, after the husband had left for work, there was a knock on the door. It was a photographer, who knocked on the wrong house by mistake. As the wife opened the door, he said: "Good morning madam, I am here to..."
"I know... Come in." Said the wife, thinking it was the government official.
"I believe your husband is aware..." Said the photographer.
"Quite aware, thank you very much." She said. "Let get this over with."
"Ah, yes, of course! It's best that we be done quickly, because I have to visit five other houses today." Said the man.
"Woah, don't you get tired?"
"I suppose I do, but it's a sacrifice I have to make in order to have the job I love"
"How are we supposed to start?"
"I'd suggest: Let's start in the bedroom, continue on the couch, then on the carpet, finish on the kitchen, and if there's time, we can also try somethings in the bathroom"
"Isn't that a little too much?"
"Madam, not even the best in my profession gets it right on the first try."
"Have you visited any other houses in the neighbourhood?"
"This is my first job here, but if you need, here are some of my most recent creations." Said the photographer, showing the woman pictures of babies.
"They do look great. Those were all your doing?"
"Yes. Check this one" Showing her another picture of a baby. "This one was made in the parking lot of a supermarket."
"My God! Isn't that too public?"
"It was, but the mother was an artist and said she wanted exposure."
"I would never do such a thing..." Said the woman.
"This other one was made on the top of a moving bus."
"Jesus Christ!"
"It was one of the hardest jobs I've ever done."
"I imagine it was..."
"There's also this one, which was made in an amusement park, mid-winter."
"How could you possibly have managed?"
"It definitely wasn't easy. As if the snow storm wasn't enough, there was a crowd around us, watching us."
"Well, I'm very discrete and I don't want anyone seeing us."
"Great! I too prefere it this way! Now, if you'll excuse me, I must set up the tripod."
"Tripod? What for?"
"Well, madam, my tool is very heavy and once it's ready to shoot, it's over a metre long."
The woman faints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kt5j3/there_once_was_a_country_with_strict_population/
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My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kt55z/my_dad_died_last_year_when_my_family_couldnt/
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The Physics department in a university submits a request for an expensive piece of equipment

The university president is not pleased. "You people in the Physics Department always ask for money. You always need costly technologies. Why can't you be more like the Mathematics department? All they need is paper, pens, and trash cans. Or even better, like the Philosophy department, they need only paper and pens."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kt3x3/the_physics_department_in_a_university_submits_a/
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It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kt04l/its_the_world_cup_final_and_a_man_makes_his_way/
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It's funny that Schumer and humor rhyme

Cause that is the closest she will ever get to being funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kswdz/its_funny_that_schumer_and_humor_rhyme/
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Why is it so hard to use a Chinese phone book?

Well with so many Wings, and so many Wongs, you might Wing the Wong number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ksuem/why_is_it_so_hard_to_use_a_chinese_phone_book/
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What did the girl who could only read odd numbers say?

I literary can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ksu2f/what_did_the_girl_who_could_only_read_odd_numbers/
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Which knee is Mickey's favorite knee?

Disney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ksu29/which_knee_is_mickeys_favorite_knee/
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The lost cock

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kstjy/the_lost_cock/
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Back in the Sovjet days a guy wants to buy a car

The guy goes up to the counter at the Ministry of buying cars.
Guy: I would like to buy a car.
Clerk: Sure thing but it will take 10 years for processing your request. Come back then and your car will be ready for you.
Guy: Ok, morning or afternoon?
Clerk: Huh? what difference does it make, it´s 10 years from now?
Guy: Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.
Credit goes to Ronald Reagan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kstey/back_in_the_sovjet_days_a_guy_wants_to_buy_a_car/
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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a restaurant...

The man and his companions sit down at a table, and a waitress walks over to them to take their order.
"I'll have a 16 oz steak with all the trimmings and a bottle of champagne." The man says.
The waitress nods and turns towards the ostrich, who seems confused.
"Oh! Uh, I'll, um... I want, uh, I dunno, uuuuuuhhhhhhhhh, I'll just have what he had."
Writing down the order again she looks to the cat.
"Yeah I'll have the same. But I'm not paying for it! I won't pay a single penny." He said as he turned his nose up at her.
The waitress smiles and walks off to the kitchen. She appears again later with three huge meals and 3 bottles of champagne.
After the man and his companions finish their meals the waitress returns to the table to ask him if there was anything else. The man said no and she went to fetch the bill.
"That'll be £166.95 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out £166.95 exactly in cash and places it in the waitress's hand.
Her eyes widen as she looks down at the pile of cash and change in her hands. She looks up at him in amazement.
"How could you possibly have the exact money ready for me?"
"Oh that's a funny story actually, I found an old lamp the other day. After I rubbed it a Genie promptly popped out and proclaimed he could grant me three wishes." explained the man.
"And?" urged the waitress.
"My first wish was to always have the exact money in cash readily in my pocket whenever I needed it." said the man, triumphantly.
"And the second and third wishes?" inquired the waitress.
The man pauses briefly and looks to his companions.
"I wished for a dumb bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kste0/a_man_an_ostrich_and_a_cat_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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Torn between two lovers

John was unable to choose between two girls…
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kss1n/torn_between_two_lovers/
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My parents told me not to give up on my dreams

so I went back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ksqzu/my_parents_told_me_not_to_give_up_on_my_dreams/
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Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face.

Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ksqu2/mike_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_pat_sitting_at_the/
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Why do prisoners prefer liquid soap?

Takes longer to pick up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ksq3k/why_do_prisoners_prefer_liquid_soap/
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I was gonna make a joke about all the reposts on r/joke,

but about 20 people beat me to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kspti/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_about_all_the_reposts_on/
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Israeli Hell

A person dies and is judged for his sins.
“Well,” says the angel, “Sorry, dude, but you are going to hell. But as a bonus for not being a complete putz, you are granted the choice to which hell to go. Your options are: the Soviet hell, the Nazi hell or the Israeli hell.”
The sinner thinks aloud: “No way I'll choose the Soviet hell, it surely is a complete mess and they lack everything including fire. The Nazi hell is surely very efficient and in perfect Ordnung, just like Auschwitz… no thanks. Let's try the Israeli one.”
Bam, wham, he is teleported to the desert. It's hot alright, but he finds himself standing by a modern freeway, he sees groups of citrus and pine trees, to the left there are green fields with growing crops, to the right — some armored unit in the midst of an exercise, a plane flies over his head, and somewhere ahead there are the lights of a big city.
A large jeep stops near him, and the driver says smiling:
“You're new, right? Hop in, I'll give you a lift to the city.”
“Eeeeh…” mutters the dumbfounded sinner, “Isn't this, you know… HELL?”
“It sure is!” answers the driver, smiling even wider, “And dude, you should have seen what a shithole this was 70 years ago!”
-Heard this one a while ago. Best version of it I could find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ksosq/israeli_hell/
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I was about to propose to my girlfriend

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ksnbs/i_was_about_to_propose_to_my_girlfriend/
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A cowboy gets with a virgin...

As she reaches her hand down his pants and grabs his penis, she says, "Whats that?"
"Oh that? Well that there is my rope!" replied the cowboy.
She goes a little further and grips his balls while saying, "What are these?"
'Well those there are my knots" exclaimed the cowboy.
The two start going at it and the girl keeps yanking on the cowboy's nuts.
"What in tarnation are you doing?",  yells the cowboy.
"I'm trying to loosen up these knots, I need some more rope."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ksme9/a_cowboy_gets_with_a_virgin/
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I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy, all I do is say, "Hello."

At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kslq2/im_making_a_fortune_selling_home_security_systems/
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An old man walks into a bar.

He sits next to this scary biker fella. After few drinks he turns to the biker and says, "Your moms got a tight ass", the bar falls silent but the biker just looks at the old man and goes back to drinking.
After a few drinks the old man again turns to the biker and says, "I gave it to yer mum real good last night". The biker is visibly pissed but doesn't do anything, he just walks off to another table and resumes drinking.
The old man is now thoroughly drunk and has been telling everyone in the bar how he fucked the bikers mom, the biker gets up walks up to the man and says, " GOD DAMMIT DAD!! You're drunk. Go home"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ksl9h/an_old_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining..

Took me hours to finish my meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kskcg/i_was_eating_soup_one_day_outside_my_favorite/
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What is a suicide bomber's greatest fear?

Dying alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ksimm/what_is_a_suicide_bombers_greatest_fear/
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Why did Plastic Man get kicked out of Justice League?

He was accused of rubbery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ksgk8/why_did_plastic_man_get_kicked_out_of_justice/
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A chicken walks into a library

He goes up to the librarian and says "bok", so the librarian gives him a book, which he takes away.
The next day the chicken returns to the library and, returning the previous book, says "bok bok". So the librarian gives him two books, and the chicken goes off on his merry way again.
On the third day when the chicken returns again with the two books the librarian is getting curious, so when the chicken says "bok bok bok" she decides to follow the chicken and see what he is doing with the books.
Having been given three books the chicken leaves the library and walks down the road to the park, straight to the pond in the centre.
In the middle of the pond is a small island, with a bullfrog sitting in the reeds. The chicken walks to the edge close to the frog and holds up each book saying "bok?"
And each time the bullfrog says "reddit", "reddit" "reddit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ks9r6/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts.

Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his desperation succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help him dislodge it but after hours of trying they decided to go to the hospital.
As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s’ young male companion suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone’s huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out.
“It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful! Isn’t he a smart young man? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”
The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ks9dq/one_evening_a_man_was_at_home_watching_tv_and/
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If you commit crimes 90 times you'll only get caught 45 times.

Because sin90 = cot45

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ks7ar/if_you_commit_crimes_90_times_youll_only_get/
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What part of your body would you get rid of?

Some guy responded "My spine. It holds me back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ks678/what_part_of_your_body_would_you_get_rid_of/
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During a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, Little Suzie responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
Then the teacher picked little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully
Then it was little Johnny's turn, "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and my father replied, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ks5f5/during_a_lesson_on_proper_grammar_the_teacher/
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Why did the school kids eat their homework?

Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ks4rj/why_did_the_school_kids_eat_their_homework/
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The first time I had sex was in my parents' bedroom

My girlfriend said "it's pretty awkward".
"Just ignore them", I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ks48z/the_first_time_i_had_sex_was_in_my_parents_bedroom/
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Why are there no female suicide bombers?

Good luck convincing a girl by telling her if she do it, she will meet 70 virgins in heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ks3z5/why_are_there_no_female_suicide_bombers/
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Did you guys heard about the Chinese Ship with a cargo load of Yo-yos that sunk off the coast of Mexico..

.. all 200 times..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ks3m4/did_you_guys_heard_about_the_chinese_ship_with_a/
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A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ks1kx/a_mormon_and_an_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
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My friend Ted wants me to be a nice person and quit drugs

But I'm a dick, Ted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kryf3/my_friend_ted_wants_me_to_be_a_nice_person_and/
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TIL: You can use tampons to stuff bullet holes to stall bleeing before getting the person to the hospital.

That's actually what tampons were originally used for. Then nurses were all, "Wait, I've got a bleeding hole too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kry0w/til_you_can_use_tampons_to_stuff_bullet_holes_to/
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A German is in the bathroom

Someone knocks on the door.
"Are you peein?"
"No," the German responds, "European."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6krvft/a_german_is_in_the_bathroom/
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An ugly man is sitting alone at a bar when a beautiful woman approaches him

The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever even look at him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."
Credit to u/kushenYT for the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kru0p/an_ugly_man_is_sitting_alone_at_a_bar_when_a/
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A pregnant woman is hit by a car....

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"
The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."
She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"
"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."
"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"
"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.
"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"
To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6krqvl/a_pregnant_woman_is_hit_by_a_car/
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Why do they call it boob sweat

and not humidititties?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6krm4n/why_do_they_call_it_boob_sweat/
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A Truck of Viagra was stolen today

Officials have asked the public to be on the lookout for some hardened criminals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6krh7a/a_truck_of_viagra_was_stolen_today/
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A man walks into a bar. Inside are a jar of 20's. [NSFW]

So he asks the bartender
"What's with this jar of 20's"
He replied "we have a donkey out back. Put a 20 in the jar, and the first one to make him laugh gets the jar"
So the man puts a 20 in the jar and goes out back. 5 min later the donkey is laughing his ass off.
The bartender asks the man, "how'd you do it".
"I can't tell you" said the man, and left.
A month later the same man comes back to the bar and sees another jar of 20's. He asks the bartender, "What's the jar of 20's for"?
"Well you know that donkey you made laugh? Well now it won't stop laughing. So put a 20 in the jar, and if you can make it stop laughing, you get the jar of 20's."
Man says okay. Puts a 20 in the jar and goes out back.
5 min later he walks out with the donkey looking all sad, tail between it's legs.
Just as the man was about to leave with his jar of 20s the bartender asks, him.
"Okay you've got to tell me how you do it. First you made him laugh for a month, and just stop in five minutes. What the he'll did you do?"
The man agreed and said. "The first time I told him I had a bigger dick than he did. This time I showed it to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6krge7/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_inside_are_a_jar_of_20s/
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Why can't Asian couples have Caucasian babies?

Because two Wongs don't make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6krdj6/why_cant_asian_couples_have_caucasian_babies/
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So this Jewish kid goes to his dad for $20

And he says "hey dad I need a 20 to go the store."
His dad says "15 dollars?! What do you need 10 dollars for? I got a five so here's 2.50"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6krbkq/so_this_jewish_kid_goes_to_his_dad_for_20/
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I called the suicide hotline in Iraq

The got excited and asked if i could drive a truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6krb26/i_called_the_suicide_hotline_in_iraq/
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What did the jalapeño say in the blizzard?

I'm a little chili

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kr9hp/what_did_the_jalapeño_say_in_the_blizzard/
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BB Soup

An Italian mother is making a soup for dinner one night for her 3 kids. While she is cooking, she accidentally knocks over a bottle of BBs and it spills into the soup. She freaks out and gets out as many as she can before dinner but can't get it all.
Later that night, after dinner and after the kids went to bed, the first daughter comes in to the kitchen where the mom is cleaning up and says "mama I was just going to the bathroom and I peed out a BB I think I'm sick". So the mom tells her the story and sends her back to bed.
5 minutes later the other daughter comes in and says "mama I just peed out a BB I think I might be sick". The mom tells her the story and sends her back to bed.
10 minutes later the son comes in and yells "mama..." "let me guess you peed out a BB""No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kr6q1/bb_soup/
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What life advice did the Jewish cannibal give to his friend?

Keep your friends close, but your enemies kosher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kr65q/what_life_advice_did_the_jewish_cannibal_give_to/
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What do you call an award given for an unexpected handjob?

A Pull-it Surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kr5mf/what_do_you_call_an_award_given_for_an_unexpected/
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Stormtrooper helmets

I would wear a stormtrooper helmet everytime I went for a ride on a motorcycle to avoid HITTING anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kr29o/stormtrooper_helmets/
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Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

Because she grew out of her B- shells!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kqzy0/why_did_the_mermaid_wear_seashells/
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I quit drinking for good

Now I only drink for evil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kqy3t/i_quit_drinking_for_good/
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I nearly ran over a couple of crows with my car today.

It was almost a murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kqxtj/i_nearly_ran_over_a_couple_of_crows_with_my_car/
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If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have $1.88(dang taxes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kqwjx/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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I am a Canadian General planning the invasion of the USA

We can reschedule if it is inconvenient for you guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kqw78/i_am_a_canadian_general_planning_the_invasion_of/
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"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kqu09/mom_dont_freak_out_but_im_in_the_hospital/
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How do French women hold their liquor?

By the ears.
Works best if you are a native English speaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kqm8m/how_do_french_women_hold_their_liquor/
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What's the difference between bad karma and Reddit Karma?

You get bad karma by stealing other people's belongings. You get Reddit Karma by stealing other people's jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kqkms/whats_the_difference_between_bad_karma_and_reddit/
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Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…followed by Batman

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kqklg/sixteen_sodium_atoms_walk_into_a_barfollowed_by/
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In a recent interview, Melania Trump was asked if she bleaches her asshole

Her response: "No, he gets spray-tanned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kqccl/in_a_recent_interview_melania_trump_was_asked_if/
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Why do they use powdered soap in the navy?

Because it takes longer to pick up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kqbto/why_do_they_use_powdered_soap_in_the_navy/
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You may not believe that today is Canada's 150th Birthday...

It's Trudeau...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kqbdp/you_may_not_believe_that_today_is_canadas_150th/
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What's orange, has a pointy head, and can take someone to the top?

An upvote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kq9t0/whats_orange_has_a_pointy_head_and_can_take/
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In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name?

Winslow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kq714/in_the_classic_story_of_the_tortoise_and_the_hare/
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Two guys debating about whose dog is smarter

Guy 1: "My dog is very smart, every morning he always fetch my newspaper"
Guy 2: "I already know that"
Guy 1: "What? Who told you about that?"
Guy 2: "My dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kq3v9/two_guys_debating_about_whose_dog_is_smarter/
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I was driving the other day

when I saw this beautiful woman standing on the side of the road. I slowed down a little bit to get a better look at her when the guy behind me rear ended me.
As soon as we both got out of our vehicles, I noticed he was a midget. As he was walking over to me I could tell he was mad. He approached me and yelled, "I'm not happy!"
I replied, "Well, which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kq3kq/i_was_driving_the_other_day/
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Leon Trotsky asks a travel agent if they have any hotel rooms in Mexico.

The travel agent responded by saying that Mexico would be a very ice pick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kq22h/leon_trotsky_asks_a_travel_agent_if_they_have_any/
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What did the yoga instructor say to her landlord when he tried to kick her out?

Namaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kq0yb/what_did_the_yoga_instructor_say_to_her_landlord/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a magnet?

Magnets are attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpwdt/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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Dicks are like paychecks.

You never know how yours compares to others but you always hope it's a little bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpvd5/dicks_are_like_paychecks/
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If I had $500,000 for every existing gender

I'd be a millionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kptza/if_i_had_500000_for_every_existing_gender/
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i was going to tell you a cow joke

but its pasture bed time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpta2/i_was_going_to_tell_you_a_cow_joke/
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There once was a man with only one testicle...

There was once a man with only one testicle.
He had suffered from monorchism since birth, and throughout his childhood he was bullied because of it.
He had been called all sorts of names - but none stuck with him as much as 'One-Stone'. He couldn't leave the house without someone shouting it at him.
Eventually, One-stone became so fed up with being bullied, he declared to all that should anyone call him 'One-stone', he would kill them.
It worked. No one dared to call him 'One-stone' for years after that.
Until about 5 years later, when a girl accidentally forgot, and shouted "One-Stone!" across the street.
True to his word, One-Stone seduced her, made love to her all day and all night, until she died of exhaustion.
It was about two years after that when another girl made the same grave mistake.
In similar style to the first, One-Stone made love to her all day and all night... but this time, she wouldn't die. So he continued. She still was absolutely fine, days of love-making later. One-Stone couldn't believe it. In the end, he had to give up.
So, what's the moral of this story?
You can't kill two birds with One-Stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpsva/there_once_was_a_man_with_only_one_testicle/
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How does a jihadist close a door?

Islams it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kprss/how_does_a_jihadist_close_a_door/
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German pronouns are hard to learn

They're a real du Sie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpnqt/german_pronouns_are_hard_to_learn/
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I saw a man in a wheelchair crying by the beach

"Why so sad?"
"Oh," he said, wiping the tears from his eyes, "I saw you and thought how I've been a coward my whole life. I'm gay, and I've never admitted it, so I've never held a man as attractive as you in my arms."
I shrugged, leaned over, and gave him an affectionate hug. I'm straight, but hey, it could make this guy's day.
But he started crying again.
"I'm sorry, I just thought that I've never been kissed by a man either."
I shrugged again and gave him a big kiss on the lips. Seemed like the right thing to do.
But he was tearing up again.
"And even after all these years, I've never been fucked."
I picked him up and looked into his eyes.
"You're a gay man with a serous disability and Trump's in the White House. You're definitely fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpnm9/i_saw_a_man_in_a_wheelchair_crying_by_the_beach/
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Why are granny panties better than thongs?

Because granny panties will cover your ass, but thongs are always trying to get up in your shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpl81/why_are_granny_panties_better_than_thongs/
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Did you hear about the crocodile who couldn't get it up?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpl6t/did_you_hear_about_the_crocodile_who_couldnt_get/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Hot and all over my lap while driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kphyt/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Man finds an HD TV in a Garage Sale

"How much is this TV?" the man said.
The seller responded, "One dollar."
"Wow, only one dollar?"
"Yep, one dollar."
Why is it so cheap?" asked the man.
"Its volume is turned all the way up, and you can't adjust it, it's stuck that way." said the seller.
"So the volume is always turned up?"
"Yep."
"And it's only a dollar?"
"Yes, one dollar."
"Just cause the volume is turned all the way up?"
"Yep."
"Wow! Can't turn that down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpgpp/man_finds_an_hd_tv_in_a_garage_sale/
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My girlfriend and I broke up because of religious beliefs

She didn't believe I was god.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpfzi/my_girlfriend_and_i_broke_up_because_of_religious/
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I once accidentally poured glue in my son's corn flakes

He's never talked to me again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpe43/i_once_accidentally_poured_glue_in_my_sons_corn/
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What's the difference between a ginger and a ninja?

One's a soulless killing machine. The other is a highly trained martial artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpcq3/whats_the_difference_between_a_ginger_and_a_ninja/
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My friend has a theory that everyone is just a really expensive prostitute. "For example," he said, "would you suck my dick for $10,000?"

I said, "probably, but I wouldn't be able to get you the money right away"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpayw/my_friend_has_a_theory_that_everyone_is_just_a/
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Some things just ruin your day...

The old woman was about to die so she calls her husband to her side. With some difficulty she says, "Dear, I have but one final request. Please let my mother ride in the first car with you at my funeral. It will give a good impression.
The husband things for a bit and responds, "All right, but it'll spoil my whole day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpan8/some_things_just_ruin_your_day/
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In Jamaica

you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kpaga/in_jamaica/
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I don't know if Gabe Newell would be a very good president.

But at least there won't be a world war 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kp87d/i_dont_know_if_gabe_newell_would_be_a_very_good/
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A blonde walks into an appliance store.

She asks the clerk " Hi, how much is that pink Television?" the clerk replies "Sorry, but we don't sell to blondes". She screams discrimination but eventually accepts defeat and walks out.She dyes her hair black, wears sunglasses and goes back the next day, "What's the price for that pink Television?" she asks the clerk but he recognises her and again tells her that they don't serve blondes, defeated she leaves the store. She goes back next day wearing a Hijab and in her best Arabian accent says " Excuse me but how much for that pink television?" the clerk again says that its store policy to not sell to blondes. Frustrated, the blonde asks " How do you know Im a blonde? You cant even see my hair", the clerk looks at her and says " Because madam, that is an oven"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kp7yc/a_blonde_walks_into_an_appliance_store/
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Hitler would be a bad genie.

Because despite having unlimited power, he can't handle itty bitty living space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kp6vd/hitler_would_be_a_bad_genie/
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A man is looking for a pet dog...

He's driving through the country when he spots an old guy sitting on his porch with a german shepherd.
He stops his car, gets out, and approaches the man. "That's a fine-looking dog you have there, sir. I would like to buy him. How does fifty bucks sound?"
The old man looks down at the dog, then shakes his head. "I can't do that to ya. Jake don't look so good."
The man looks at the dog, but sees nothing wrong with him. "Come on, he looks fine! A hundred bucks."
Again, the old man looks at the dog and shakes his head. "I told ya, I can't. Jake don't look so good."
Thinking the old guy is gouging him, the man pulls two hundred dollars from his pocket and holds it out to him. "Two hundred dollars! That's my highest offer."
The old guy sighs, shrugs, and takes the money, then hands over the dog's leash.
The man walks the dog back to his car. On the way he walks headfirst into a chair, falls off the porch, and hits his head on the car.
The man looks back and yells, "Hey! You sold me a blind dog!"
"I tried to tell ya that Jake don't look so good!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kp6j2/a_man_is_looking_for_a_pet_dog/
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A blind man walks into a gay bar.

He walks up to the lesbian bartender and says "hey you wanna hear a blonde joke?". The bartender says "Let me tell you a few things since you're blind, I am a blonde bartender who keeps a shotgun under the table. The bouncer is a 6ft blonde with a 4th degree black belt in judo. The woman beside you is a blonde biker with the local gang. The owner of this bar is a blonde army veteran who did four tours in Iraq. Now do you really want to tell that joke here?". The blind man thinks for a second and says "Naaahh, not if i have to explain it four times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kp5me/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_gay_bar/
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Trump is like a bird with Tourettes

He can't control his Tweets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kp5je/trump_is_like_a_bird_with_tourettes/
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A man walks into a library

and is greeted by the librarian behind the front desk.
He slaps a $10 bill on the desk and says to the librarian - "I'll have two budweisers please"
The librarian, taken aback, responds - "Sir, this is a library!"
The man quickly replies back - "Oh, sorry!"
*whispers* "I'll have two budweisers please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kp4ou/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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A mother takes her pregnant daughter to the doctor...

The doctor looks the daughter over and asks "What seems to be the trouble?"
The mother says "My daughter is gaining lots of weight! Something is wrong.
"Ma'am, your daughter is pregnant. Nothing is wrong with a little weight gain."
The mother shakes her head and looks angry. "No! My daughter is an innocent little angel. She can't be pregnant. You're wrong!"
The doctor looks at the daughter, who seems embarrassed to even be there.
"Young lady, have you ever had sex?"
The girl looks at her mother, who frowns in disapproval. So she shakes her head.
"So you're a virgin?"
She looks back at her mother, then meekly nods.
"Never went out on a date and had too much to drink?"
Again she shakes her head.
"See," said the mother. "She is innocent. She's never even had a boyfriend."
The doctor nods, and walks over to his window and starts staring to the East.
"What are you doing?" the mother asked.
"Ma'am, your daughter is pregnant. Apparently with no father, like some sort of miracle. The last time something like this happened three wise men showed up and there's no way in hell I'm going to miss that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kp273/a_mother_takes_her_pregnant_daughter_to_the_doctor/
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Types of People

There are two types of people in this world:
Ones that can extrapolate from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kozw3/types_of_people/
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The United States Postal Service is, in the interest of gender neutrality, discontinuing the title of "Mailman"

and changing it to "Personman".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6koz61/the_united_states_postal_service_is_in_the/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off! ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6koz2m/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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I had a name idea for a retirement home

Last Resort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6koxi9/i_had_a_name_idea_for_a_retirement_home/
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How can you tell a strip club is not open?

The sign says, "Sorry we're clothed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6koxhj/how_can_you_tell_a_strip_club_is_not_open/
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I think I banged a Chinese celebrity

She kept screaming "I'm Wei Tu Yung" like I was supposed to know the name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kox04/i_think_i_banged_a_chinese_celebrity/
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A man was washing the car with his son

His son asked him, "Dad! Can't you use a sponge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kow98/a_man_was_washing_the_car_with_his_son/
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Did you know that cats can jump higher than houses?

It's mostly due to the cats powerful hind legs.
And the fact that houses can't jump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kov67/did_you_know_that_cats_can_jump_higher_than_houses/
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This is the dirty joke my 45yo dad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Artic when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6koupj/this_is_the_dirty_joke_my_45yo_dad_told_to_our/
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There are three certainties in life. Death, taxes...

...and the fact that the object in front of you causes cancer in the state of California.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kottu/there_are_three_certainties_in_life_death_taxes/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kos2d/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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Did you hear about the guy with five dicks?

His underwear fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6koqqe/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_five_dicks/
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I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6koov5/i_lost_my_job_as_a_baker_when_i_made_a_customer/
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What's the difference between a turkey and Def Leppard?

A turkey has two drumsticks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kookf/whats_the_difference_between_a_turkey_and_def/
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I told a joke about about a virgin giving me a blowjob.

Didn't go down well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6konr7/i_told_a_joke_about_about_a_virgin_giving_me_a/
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The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve time travellers here."

Two time travellers walk into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kols7/the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
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Tourism and Immigration

A man dies and goes to heaven. After several years in heaven, he gets bored and decides to go on vacation to see Hell.
So he packs his bags and goes on the trip. Upon arrival in Hell, he's taken on a tour. It's the most amazing place he's ever seen: warm, but not hot, the women are beautiful, everyone's very friendly and even Satan himself stops by his hotel room just to say hello.
When the guy comes home, he decides to move to Hell, because how amazing it it. So he packs his bags again, and books a one way ticket to 9th circle.
But upon arrival, he's stripped naked and thrown into a searing hot pit of lava. As he sinks, he notices Satan walking by and yells out "What the hell?! Last time I was here, it was all women and nice people. What happened?" Satan looks back at him and, recognizing the man, laughs and answers:
"Don't mistake tourism for immigration!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kolqi/tourism_and_immigration/
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Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kolae/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_after_they_die/
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A kid and his mom are home during the summer

The boy asks his mom if he can go the neighbors house to play and she says yes. Thinking she has some time, the mom gets comfortable and starts walking around the house topless. The little boy comes home shortly after and see his mom topless.
"What are those?" He asks.
"These are my headlights."
The little boy nods and goes to his room.
A couple days later, the little boy is going to the bathroom when he sees the door is closed. The boy opens the door and sees his mom pulling her pants up.
"What is that?" He asks
"That's my grass," she says.
Again, the little boy nods and walks away.
The mom goes on a trip and the little boy is home with his dad. The boy is watching tv and hears his dad get in the shower. Once the shower stops he goes to the bathroom, opens the door and see his dad standing without a towel on.
"What is that?" The boy asks
"That's my snake," the dad says
The boy nods and walks away.
The mom returns from her trip, they all eat supper and it gets to be time for bed. The little boy is laying in bed trying to sleep when he hears noises coming from his parents' room.
The little boy walks in to their bedroom, sees his dad on top of his mom and says, "MOM! MOM! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS, THERE'S A SNAKE IN YOUR GRASS!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kokz5/a_kid_and_his_mom_are_home_during_the_summer/
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[long] I met a girl online a few weeks ago...

and things were going GREAT. I've never enjoyed chatting with anyone more in my entire life. Shared interests, movies, music, shows, the whole 9 yards.
A week after we first met online, she reveals something to me. She's only 14 years old. Now, I'm over the age of majority, but when I think about how much of a good time I've had, quite a few late nights and seemingly always something fun and provoking to talk about, I say I'd be fine keeping this up as long as she is.
So we keep up talking. She is unbelievably mature and easily keeps pace on whatever topic we have. I wish women my age were as engaging and interesting as she is. Anyway, she suggests that we meet up, and I'm completely sold on the idea immediately. She continues on to suggest that we get busy when we meet, she says she's ready for that kind of step. I agreed to this as well, and we kept up flirting, and sent some suggestive pictures to each other as well.
After this, she makes a final revalation. She's actually an FBI agent. The only thing I can think of when I read this is...
How fucking cool is it that a 14 year old is an FBI agent?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kojks/long_i_met_a_girl_online_a_few_weeks_ago/
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Why are women and children evacuated first during disasters?

So the men can have some quiet to think of a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6koj7y/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_during/
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Name an animal that begins with "E"

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.”Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6koiks/name_an_animal_that_begins_with_e/
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How many saiyans does It take to change a lightbulb

1 but it takes five episodes, krillin dies and a planet gets destroyed
(Sorry for the repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6koe52/how_many_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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They say money is covered in germs

But I don't think even germs could live on the money I make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ko9p6/they_say_money_is_covered_in_germs/
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I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.

It was Won Ton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ko87t/i_ordered_2000_lbs_of_chinese_soup/
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I tried to seduce my Eskimo friend

She wasn't very Inuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ko7yg/i_tried_to_seduce_my_eskimo_friend/
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What's faster than a speeding bullet?

A jew with a coupon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ko7rm/whats_faster_than_a_speeding_bullet/
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Three business men share a hotel room but there's only one bed

When they wake in the morning the one on the left says "I had a vivid dream I had sex with a beautiful blond." The one on the right says "I had a vivid dream I had sex with a beautiful brunette." The one in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ko54h/three_business_men_share_a_hotel_room_but_theres/
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My grand father died last week

I've been really sad but I'll always remember his last words " stop shaking the ladder you little fuck"
(I don't know if this has been posted before sorry if it has)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ko43h/my_grand_father_died_last_week/
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The Fish and the Fly

A fish swimming down a stream spots a fly flying right over him. The fish thinks, "if that fly drops six inches, I can jump and catch that fly."
A bear see the fish that sees the fly. The bear thinks, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly and I can catch the fish."
A hunter sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the fly. The hunter thinks, "if the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, and I can shoot the bear."
A mouse sees the hunter that sees the bear that sees the fish that sees fly. The mouse thinks, "If the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and I can get the cheese in the hunters lunch."
A cat sees the mouse that sees the hunter that sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the fly. The cat thinks, "If the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will get the cheese, and I can catch the mouse.
The fly dropped six inches.
The fish caught the fly, the bear caught the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse got the cheese, and the cat pounce for the mouse but miss and landed in the stream.
Moral of the story: Every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ko084/the_fish_and_the_fly/
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A truck carrying olive oil crashed into a truck carrying red wine vinegar, inside a nudist camp

First responders reported that everyone nearby was well dressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knxy3/a_truck_carrying_olive_oil_crashed_into_a_truck/
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An insolent teenager is having an argument with her father

And as she storms off she shouts, "Oh and by the way, Jim Morrison SUCKS!"
The father looks back and responds, "Hey, there will be no slamming of The Doors in my house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knwwk/an_insolent_teenager_is_having_an_argument_with/
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Yes - it's true I actually am my own grandpa ...

-  simple explaination  ...
"Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and really changed my life
for now my daughter was my mother, 'cause she was my father's wife.
And to complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy.
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad,
and so became my uncle, though it made me very sad
for if he were my uncle, then that also made him brother
of the widow's grownup daughter, who was of course my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run
and he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue
because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too.
Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild
and every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild -
'Cause now I have become the strangest 'case you ever saw..
as husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa"
~ all credit goes to the Ray Stevens song ~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knwfz/yes_its_true_i_actually_am_my_own_grandpa/
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I was complaining about my lack of muscle growth to a buddy of mine in the gym...

Me: I come here everyday, 3 hours each day and I look the same as I did 6 months ago.
Buddy: No whey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knwcf/i_was_complaining_about_my_lack_of_muscle_growth/
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A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating."

"What the hell is 'testiculating?'" the man asks.
Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"
The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"
"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"
The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kntm8/a_mans_wife_accuses_him_of_testiculating/
%
Little Dora liked to sleep in Sunday school

Little Dora was not the best student in Sunday school, and she liked to sleep through class.
One day, the teacher asked her a question while she was sleeping, "Tell me, Dora, who created the universe?"
When Dora didn't stir, little Dick, a boy who sits behind her, took a pin and jabbed her rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Dora and the teacher said, "Very good!" and Dora went back asleep.
The following week, Dora was sleeping yet again and the teacher asked her, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?" But, Dora didn't even seem to move at all. Once again, Dick came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Dora and the teacher said, "Very good!" and Dora fell back to sleep.
The next week, the teacher asked Dora a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Yet again, Dick jabbed her behind with a pin. This time Dora jumped up and screamed, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE, MAKE SURE IT EXPLORES EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY, AND MAKE A MAP OF YOUR RECTUM"
The teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knrc6/little_dora_liked_to_sleep_in_sunday_school/
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Why aren't Orphans good at Baseball?

They don't know where Home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knn2w/why_arent_orphans_good_at_baseball/
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My girlfriend likes to pretend she's 13 when we're in bed together

I told her it's pointless, she'll be 13 next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knmos/my_girlfriend_likes_to_pretend_shes_13_when_were/
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What do you call a floating Dog?

A good Buoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knlvs/what_do_you_call_a_floating_dog/
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[NSFW] English Exam

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not
showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in
the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about
extreme sexual exhaustion?"  The entire class does its best to
stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored,
the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head,
and sweetly says, "Not an excuse........Write with your other hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knk3m/nsfw_english_exam/
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I hosted an erectile disfunction dinner....

I hosted an erectile disfunction dinner but it was a flop. Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knjx4/i_hosted_an_erectile_disfunction_dinner/
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A mute guy survived an awful car crash early this week, what a lucky man!

I mean, he lost his hands but I guess he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knjg3/a_mute_guy_survived_an_awful_car_crash_early_this/
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[NSFW] Taking the Air Out

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing
a meal and says: "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this
thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I looked to see
what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down.
Why are you doing that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little
overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce
on him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting
your time. Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door
comes over and blows daddy right back up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knhzp/nsfw_taking_the_air_out/
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A guy meets a hooker in a bar

And buys her a drink. She says to him "For $300, I'll do anything you want as long as you can ask for it in 3 words." So he thinks about it for a minute, reaches into his wallet, pulls out three Benjamins, slaps them on the bar and says "Paint. My. House".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kng6t/a_guy_meets_a_hooker_in_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a joke and a dick?

Mr girlfriend doesn't laugh at my jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knevw/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_a_dick/
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I got a new stick of deodorant today.

The instructions  said 'remove cap and push up bottom'
I can barely walk, but when I fart the room smells wonderful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knd50/i_got_a_new_stick_of_deodorant_today/
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A blind man walks into a bar

...and now the construction crew is in trouble for leaving their scaffolding stacked in the middle of the sidewalk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knczm/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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One day Canada will rule the world

And we'll all be sorry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knca4/one_day_canada_will_rule_the_world/
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Fake people are like pennies

Two-faced and not worth a dime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knc1d/fake_people_are_like_pennies/
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She wants me

Guy 1: That girl is so into me!
Guy 2: Wtf you talking about?! She hates you!
Guy 1: Bro, She called me a symbol of masculinity!
Guy 2: Dude, she called you a dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knbgt/she_wants_me/
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A man calls the hospital and yells that her wife is in labour...

The nurse tells him to calm down and asks "Is this her first child?" to which the man replies "NO THIS IS HER HUSBAND!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6knbfg/a_man_calls_the_hospital_and_yells_that_her_wife/
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What do you call a sexist Masseuse?

A Massaginist!
It's an awful joke I came up with last night and couldn't stop giggling thinking about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kn99w/what_do_you_call_a_sexist_masseuse/
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Two men are drinking away their sorrows...

In a bar high above the city when one says to the other "I think I want to kill myself." They other guy says "You know what? Me too. Let's do it." They walk over to the window and both jump out.
A few minutes later the second guy walks in the door and sits back down at the bar. The bartender says:"You sure are a mean drunk, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kn1zv/two_men_are_drinking_away_their_sorrows/
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Frank Feldman

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. You see, several years ago Frank died, and I married his fucking wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kn1hr/frank_feldman/
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Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts

Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kn12o/whats_the_difference_between_deer_nuts_and_beer/
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmzxu/an_18_year_old_italian_girl_tells_her_mom_that/
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A time traveler tries to go back to the 1980's

But when he gets there, he sees a very old man wearing a toga.
Confused, he asks the man what if it's 1980. The man replies "Of course it's 19AD!"
.
.
.
.
I just came up with this joke, so feel free to modify it, because as we can all see, I suck at making jokes :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmwrs/deleted_by_user/
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A smart man was walking his dog, when he noticed a bar and wanted to have a drink...

At the entrance there was a sign though which said: **No animals. Service dogs only!**
Considering that his dog was a Chihuahua, the guy thought of a genius idea...
He walked in the bar and the moment he entered, the bartender said "uh excuse me sir, service animals ONLY!"
The man responded "Yes, this is a seeing-eye dog."
Bartender replied "You really expect me to believe a Chihuahua is a seeing-eye dog lmao?! Gtfo!!"
Man responded "WHAT?! THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmsr4/a_smart_man_was_walking_his_dog_when_he_noticed_a/
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June is already over?

Julying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmrw6/june_is_already_over/
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Knock Knock

Who's there?
Gestapo.
Gestapo who?
VE VILL ASK ZEE QUESTIONS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmp68/knock_knock/
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How do the Parisians prefer to get their news and coffee

The French Press

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmkjv/how_do_the_parisians_prefer_to_get_their_news_and/
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Finally started watching "Dr Who"

it's about time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmkhl/finally_started_watching_dr_who/
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My penis was in the Guiness World Records book.

Until I got kicked out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmk75/my_penis_was_in_the_guiness_world_records_book/
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?

You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmh33/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
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My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmh2i/my_girlfriend_kept_telling_me_to_treat_her_like_a/
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye 'matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmfo3/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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John finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke................. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”
John got a horrified look on his face.
She said"Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There, for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
John replied: “I wasn't."
(Edit: Removed Tom from story!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmf6f/john_finally_decided_to_tie_the_knot_with_his/
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Intelligent life

The U.N. wanted to contact other worlds in hopes of finding intelligent life in the vast of space. So they gathered all of earth greatest minds to work together to complete such a task. After years of failing to reach life in space, the program was starting to crumple and the top minds abandoned ship, except for one. So at the next U.N. meeting that was set to demolish the program, the man cuts off the speaker, speaks into the mic and says "In order to find intelligent life we would have to show we are intelligent aswell, I have an idea but I'll need access to all the nukes we have."
The whole room became filled with looks confusen and distrust. After an hour of debate they all agreed to give it a shot.
Once the top mind had been given a controller with access to all the nukes, everyone turned their attention to a giant screen showing space. The top mind arms all the nukes and starts to aim at random planets. He aimed at a planet for for a minute, when all of sudden, a space ship crashes threw the ceiling, and a 6ft grey alien falls out in front of them yelling, "DON'T YOU PUSH THAT FUCKING BUTTON!!! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE CRAZY THAT'S WHY WE DON'T COME HERE ANYMORE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmdtj/intelligent_life/
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I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Dad : I just donated all your toys to the orphanage
Son: Why?
Dad: So you'll have something to play with when i take you there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmbyn/i_just_donated_all_your_toys_to_the_orphanage/
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My dog is so pretentious that...

...he only drinks Eau de Toilette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kmbmc/my_dog_is_so_pretentious_that/
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I can't wait to get home and rip off my girlfriends panties,

they're really starting to chaffe my thighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6km682/i_cant_wait_to_get_home_and_rip_off_my/
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I lost all my weed

in a series of small fires.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6km5fh/i_lost_all_my_weed/
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Eye catcher

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.   Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.  "Let me buy your dinner to make it  up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
They had a wonderful time.  He stays for breakfast.  The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.
Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . ."You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6km550/eye_catcher/
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A 1st Sergeant, Lieutenant, and Private are on a plane.

The three are traveling into enemy territory when suddenly, their plane is struck by a missile. They lose power in both engines, and it's obvious the plane is going to crash.
Quickly looking around, the 1st Sergeant finds two parachutes. At this time, the soldiers need to figure out whose getting the parachutes. The Lieutenant says, "I'm an officer, and my position is much more important. I'm taking one of those parachutes!" The Lieutenant grabs a bag and jumps out of the plane.
The Private looks to the 1st Sergeant and boldly says, "Go ahead 1st Sergeant, take the last parachute. They need you more than they need me." The 1st Sergeant chuckles and says, "Don't be silly Private. Grab a parachute and let's go. The Lieutenant jumped with my rucksack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6km3vs/a_1st_sergeant_lieutenant_and_private_are_on_a/
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The bro code

Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.
Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.
A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.
Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6km2dr/the_bro_code/
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A man walked into my bar...

and asked for a double entendre.
So I gave him one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6km2by/a_man_walked_into_my_bar/
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I made a movie about farm life…

…but the film quality was too grainy and the plot too corny…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6km1gw/i_made_a_movie_about_farm_life/
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Why was the 3 year old African child crying?

He was going through a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6klz3m/why_was_the_3_year_old_african_child_crying/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kly3e/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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An Englishman saying 'beer can' sounds like...

A Jamaican saying 'bacon'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6klxj2/an_englishman_saying_beer_can_sounds_like/
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My girlfriend just left me because I'm too kinky in the bedroom…

I nearly choked on her shit when she told me…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6klwep/my_girlfriend_just_left_me_because_im_too_kinky/
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The Garbage man was on his rounds and noticed that one house hadn't put their bin out.

Normally, a bloke would just drive straight past, on to the next house, but old mate was in a good mood, he got laid last night. So he got out of the truck and knocked on the front door. An Aboriginal man answered the door and the Garbo asked "Hey mate, where's your bin?"
"Oh, I've bin up north." said the resident.
"Nah mate, where's your wheelie bin?" he goes.
"Ahh, I wheelie bin in jail, but I tell everyone I bin up north."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6klv97/the_garbage_man_was_on_his_rounds_and_noticed/
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Otto the vampire bat came flapping in from the night- his face covered in fresh blood and settled on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and hassled Otto to tell them where he got it.
"Ok, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of his fellow residents behind him. Finally, he slowed down and the other bats milled around him, tongues hanging out expectantly.
"Do you see that large tree over there?" He said.
"Yes, yes!" the bats said, excitedly.
"Good for you, I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6klthv/otto_the_vampire_bat_came_flapping_in_from_the/
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Why is it so common for dams to be built upstream of towns? (OC)

When the mayor is informed about the possible flood hazards they say "damn it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6klst4/why_is_it_so_common_for_dams_to_be_built_upstream/
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The Soviet Union is marching on Finland!

A soviet commander hears a voice from the other side of a hill,"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 soviet soldiers!". So the soviet general sends in 10 soldiers, after a bit of gunfire he hears the voice again,"One Finnish soldier is better than 100 soviet soldiers!". Again the soviet general sends in his men and after a lot of gun fire he hears the voice again,"One Finnish soldier is better than 1000 soviet soldiers!". The soviet commander again, sends in his men, after a lot of gun fire he sees a soviet soldier dragging himself back over the hill, the soldier says,"Its a trap! There is 2 Finnish soldiers, don't send anymore men".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6klqbb/the_soviet_union_is_marching_on_finland/
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My phone started to act weird when I researched buying a new phone.

It became a Paranoid Android.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6klp0m/my_phone_started_to_act_weird_when_i_researched/
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My girlfriend invited me to her house...

...and I got there a bit early, only her sister was there. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me 'we should have sex while my sister isn't home. I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I found my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said 'you've won my trust'.
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kllv9/my_girlfriend_invited_me_to_her_house/
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Dancing

I can't dance to save my life but the moment I step in dog shit I can moonwalk better than Micheal Jackson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kll7a/dancing/
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Bunny joke i heard when i was younger.

Bunny attended a party at lady fox home, bunch of other animals were there - they all had a great time, but at the end of the night everyone left garbage and bottles all over the place and only Bunny stayed to help lady fox with the cleanup.
After they were done with the cleanup Lady fox wanted to repay the bunny for all this hard work that he did for her.
She walked out naked out of her room and with a sexy smile said
-"Hey Bunny thank you so much for helping me out, please take whatever you want".
Bunny looked around, grabbed the flat screen TV and left.
Next day Bunny was telling the story to all his friends - and they all laughed at Bunny
-"Man you are so stupid Lady fox, the most attractive woman in the whole forest undressed and told you to take whatever you want and you grab a tv?? WTf"
Bunny with a sad look on his face and said "I know .. if i was bigger i would take the refrigerator"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kljdr/bunny_joke_i_heard_when_i_was_younger/
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The foul mouthed parrot

A lady sees an ad for a parrot in the classifieds. The price is very cheap, so she decides to call the seller. The seller tells her that the parrot used to live in the entry way of a brothel and was very foul mouthed, hence the low asking price. The woman decides to buy it anyway, as the bird was quite amusing.
"Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam eh?", squawks the bird as they get home.
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new whores", says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes", complain the girls but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home...
"Oh, 'allo Keith!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6klfg1/the_foul_mouthed_parrot/
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A blind man walks into a Walmart.

He grabs his dog and starts swinging him in a circle over his head.
One of the Walmart greeters yells at him, What the hell are you doing, can I help you with something? No thanks He say's, I'm just having a look around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kldt3/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_walmart/
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Why does a chicken coop always have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6klcbv/why_does_a_chicken_coop_always_have_two_doors/
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Here is a Canada day joke! How do you get 50 rowdy drunk Canadians out of a pool?

You ask them to please get out of the pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kl7k2/here_is_a_canada_day_joke_how_do_you_get_50_rowdy/
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Why did Einstein marry his cousin?

Because it's all relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kl603/why_did_einstein_marry_his_cousin/
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What did the gay deer say when he left the bar?

I can't believe I blew fifty bucks in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kl1l1/what_did_the_gay_deer_say_when_he_left_the_bar/
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Mark is bowled

Mark was juggling with deadlines and couldn't make it to the hospital for his wife's delivery. They were regular to the hospital and it had an automated response service for regular patients. Anxious about his wife and the kid, he picked up his phone and texted '5444 1'.
Unfortunately, Mark got the number wrong and it connected to a cricket updates service. "7 out, 3 remaining", the reply read. Shocked, he thought there was some error at the other end. Mark decided to double check and this time typed '5444 2', the ball by ball update service.
"Fantastic delivery. That's a duck."
He informed his boss, took half the day off and decided to leave for the hospital. Just before getting into the car, he frantically typed '5444 3'.
"Total: 125. All out. 3 ducks. 7 extras, all wide" Mark fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kkzvz/mark_is_bowled/
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A sheep, drum and snake fall down a cliff.

Baa-dum-tss﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kkzl0/a_sheep_drum_and_snake_fall_down_a_cliff/
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I love how the ninja turtles wear masks

Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kku8i/i_love_how_the_ninja_turtles_wear_masks/
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How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb?

None!  They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kktvc/how_many_palestinians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A woman was in a coma.

She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure, I think maybe she choked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kknzb/a_woman_was_in_a_coma/
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Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men, Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary and cannot remember the gift that you sent. I may correspond in the future with you further."
Days later in the wise men's house, another letter arrives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kkmcm/jesus_writes_a_letter_to_the_three_wise_men_years/
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Two famous explorers decided to trek across Canada...

They planned for months to make it the perfect trip, and they each had the support of their respective governments.  Each explorer was to make a daily video call to their country's #1 news station to update them on their trip, in return for funding.
The explorer from Poland set out, and he met the explorer from the Czech Republic at the airport in Vancouver, and they set off for Whistler, where they would start their journey.
They spent the night in town, and then got moving the next morning.  They headed out in the direction of Lake Louise, and their journey was a good one, with each explorer making his daily video call to his country's news station every night.
This went on for a week, until one day there were no calls from either explorer.  The Polish government contacted the Czech Republic's government, and they decided to contact some locals to see if they could find their missing explorers.
The local Canadians searched high and low where the two men would have been, until they came across a grizzly bear den.  Being as it was mating season, they went on a little more cautiously, until they ran across a female grizzly.  They tried to avoid her, but she was agitated and tried to charge the search party, who were forced to shoot her dead.
Upon examining the body, they made the unfortunate discovery that the polish explorer had been killed and eaten by that same grizzly.  They found parts of his gear and his official jacket in her stomach. While examining her further, they discovered that she was also recently pregnant, around the same time that the explorers went missing.
A few days later, the head of the search party made his official televised statement:
"After an extensive search, considering the unfortunate discovery of the body of the explorer from Poland, and with the discovery that the female bear was pregnant, we have determined that there was more than one bear responsible for the attack on these two brave men, one female and we can only assume one male.  We don't know how far the other bear may have ranged, but we are confident is telling you that the Czech is in the male."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kkkb5/two_famous_explorers_decided_to_trek_across_canada/
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What’s the Difference Between an Alligator and a Crocodile?

One will see you later, the other after while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kkjl4/whats_the_difference_between_an_alligator_and_a/
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A man goes to a party

His wife warned him that he better not drink at the party.  She's tired of the embarrassment he causes the family and says if you come home drunk again we're through.
He agrees but figures he will have just one drink.  Well one drink turns to too many and our man is a mess.  He is so drunk he pukes on his shirt and starts to cry.  His buddy tries to console his drunk friend and says there's a plan.
Take a $10 bill and put it in your shirt pocket and tell the wife someone else messed up your shirt and that you weren't drinking.  Tell her the guy even offered to pay for the dry cleaning.
Our man goes home and is confronted by his wife.   He tells the story verbatim and says see it wasn't my fault.  See the guy even gave me $10 to clean my shirt.
The wife looks at the money and says this is a $20.  And the husband says well he also shit my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kkhht/a_man_goes_to_a_party/
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"One man's trash is another man's treasure..."

Was a pretty terrible way for my dad to tell me I was adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kkguc/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
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How many self-help gurus does it take to change a lightbulb?

Before I can answer that question, I have to ask "is the lightbulb ready to change?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kkenw/how_many_selfhelp_gurus_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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It would be really funny if trees had breasts

Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kke5i/it_would_be_really_funny_if_trees_had_breasts/
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Modern Medicine

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kkbls/modern_medicine/
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Dogs are the Best

Dogs are the best. I have a lab. It’s a meth lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kkazw/dogs_are_the_best/
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I named my son Bob Ross

Because he's a happy little accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kk7k7/i_named_my_son_bob_ross/
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A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm

He says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife, lying in bed replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kk77k/a_guy_walks_into_his_bedroom_with_a_sheep_under/
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What is the best part of an ISIS joke?

The execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kk69e/what_is_the_best_part_of_an_isis_joke/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

"If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kk5c5/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other/
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Four men in a hospital

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins." "That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!" A nurse then yells to the second man, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!" "That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!" A nurse goes up to the third man saying, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." "That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!" The last man begins groaning and banging his head on the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask. "I work for 7 Up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kk3nh/four_men_in_a_hospital/
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Two clowns were eating a cannibal.

One of them looks at the other and says, "I think we fucked this joke up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kk3f0/two_clowns_were_eating_a_cannibal/
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Don't judge teenage boys for being constantly horny

How desperate would you be if it had been more than a decade since you were last in a woman?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kjz56/dont_judge_teenage_boys_for_being_constantly_horny/
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Never realized how much I take sidewalks for granted.

After all, they've been keeping me off the streets for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kjyys/never_realized_how_much_i_take_sidewalks_for/
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Do farts have lumps in them?

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kjvwd/do_farts_have_lumps_in_them/
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Muslim women are the best fighters.

Not only can they attack with their low jabs, they can attack with their hijabs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kjvnh/muslim_women_are_the_best_fighters/
%
Stopped to get a coffee.

I pulled off Highway and was walking in to the gas station when I noticed a cop watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas.. I saw her & thought, "Is this lady stupid or crazy?!! With the police right there too?!"
But anyway, I went inside to get a coffee. As I was walking back out, I heard someone screaming.. I looked out the window & the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm & running around going crazy! I ran outside & the cop had put her on the ground and was putting the fire out with his coffee!!
Then he put handcuffs on her & threw her in the police car. Being the nosy person that I am, I asked the cop what they were arresting her for...The cop looked me square in the eyes & said ... "WAVING A FIREARM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kjqxk/stopped_to_get_a_coffee/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kjodo/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If Caitlyn Jenner is now a woman...

Does that mean she's a part of the X-Men?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kjjjx/if_caitlyn_jenner_is_now_a_woman/
%
How do you tell your friend that you think his kids are stupid?

Buy them a fidget spinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kjizf/how_do_you_tell_your_friend_that_you_think_his/
%
Women are like jokes...

Most of the time I don't get them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kjio8/women_are_like_jokes/
%
I wore a pink t-shirt out the other night and my girlfriend said I looked like a Flamingo..

So I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kjdqu/i_wore_a_pink_tshirt_out_the_other_night_and_my/
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An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle.  The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer.  "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin.  However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in which you die."
The officer nods, and replies "If you'll just bring me my sidearm, and a single round, I'll take care of it for you."  They do as he asks, and he shoots himself in the head.
Next, the chief speaks to the Naval officer.  He gives him the same spiel.  The officer explains that they were always a bit gun shy, but if the chief would provide some poison, he'd happily take it.  The chief provides some poison, and the Naval officer offs himself.
Finally, the chief visits the Ranger.  He explains the situation.  The Ranger thinks for a few seconds, and replies "A fork."
"Excuse me?" Says the chief.
"Bring me a fork." The Ranger says
Perplexed, the chief brought him a fork.  Without a moment's hesitation, the Ranger starts stabbing with the fork.  All up and down his arms, on his legs, his torso, just stabbing like a madman.
"What are you doing??!" The chief asked "That has got to be the *most* painful way to die!"
The Ranger looked up, with a glint in his eye, and shouts  "FUCK YOUR CANOE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kjbzy/an_army_officer_a_naval_officer_and_a_ranger_are/
%
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

Because 6, 7 8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kj9hk/why_was_yoda_afraid_of_7/
%
It hasn't even made it through the senate...

And Bronx-Lebanon Hospital is already rolling out Trumpcare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kj4in/it_hasnt_even_made_it_through_the_senate/
%
"Hello this is the bloodbank, how can I help you?"

"I'd like to book an appointment for myself, my wife and my daughter, please."
"Okay sir, just a couple of questions: Have you ever had anal sex?"
"Why? Can't you give blood if you've had anal sex?"
"No sir."
"I'd like to book an appointment for my wife please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kj3gu/hello_this_is_the_bloodbank_how_can_i_help_you/
%
My statistic skills are mediocre at best

And average at worst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kixad/my_statistic_skills_are_mediocre_at_best/
%
What did the hooker say to Gilgamesh?

I love a man in cuneiform.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kivfs/what_did_the_hooker_say_to_gilgamesh/
%
An old Jew is sitting on a park bench

reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His friend Harry walks by, stops, and says, "Irv, what are you doing reading that paper? You should be reading The Jewish Journal.'"
Irv says, "'The Jewish Journal' has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel...all kinds trouble for Jewish people. I like to read good news."
Harry says, "What good news could possibly be in that paper?"
Irv says, "Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood.  See? It's all good news."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kisah/an_old_jew_is_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
If you're a scam artist, you should probably never go for an aborted fetus

After all, they weren't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kis0w/if_youre_a_scam_artist_you_should_probably_never/
%
A lesbian just told me she can't eat anything with eggs in it...

..I told her to think about that statement for a minute...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kiraq/a_lesbian_just_told_me_she_cant_eat_anything_with/
%
God is Offering Commandments

God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Germans asked, "what are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments." And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments? How much are they?"
"They're free."
"Good then, we'll take 10!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kipo7/god_is_offering_commandments/
%
If a arm covered in tattoos is called a "sleeve", what do you call a full body covered in tattoos?

A mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kin4b/if_a_arm_covered_in_tattoos_is_called_a_sleeve/
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A Jewish family is considering

putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still call him 'Doctor'!"
"And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'the Fucking Jew'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kin0o/a_jewish_family_is_considering/
%
A girl complains to her mother about having to share her bed with her grandmother.

Girl: "Mom, I'm sick of sharing with grandma. She smells!
Mom:"Honey I told you already, we can't afford to have her buried".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kijld/a_girl_complains_to_her_mother_about_having_to/
%
A young Indian brave spoke with his dad.

He said, "Father I want to change my name".
"Why my son? When your brother was born the first thing I saw when I stepped out of the house was a strong bull.  So I named your brother, Strong Bull." The father explained.
"When your sister was born, the first thing I saw when I stepped out of the house was soaring swan.  I named your sister, Soaring Swan".  Continued the father.
"So what's the problem, Fucking Dog?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kijji/a_young_indian_brave_spoke_with_his_dad/
%
I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kij3v/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_98/
%
I care about gay and transgender rights, but not enough to vote or do anything about it.

I'm passive progressive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kiece/i_care_about_gay_and_transgender_rights_but_not/
%
You know Apple is run by men...

when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it’s only 5.5 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ki5k1/you_know_apple_is_run_by_men/
%
What did the redditor say when he found a timebomb?

Check out this bomb I found.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ki4vg/what_did_the_redditor_say_when_he_found_a_timebomb/
%
I've published a book about poltergeists.

They have been flying off the shelves for a month now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ki4fi/ive_published_a_book_about_poltergeists/
%
I found a place where the recycling rate is 99%

/r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ki3n9/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_99/
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A man went searching for the perfect joke...

He went to the best comedy clubs in his city and listened for days. He heard some great things, but nothing he could call perfect.
&nbsp;
He journeyed to Hollywood, and tracked down the best comedic actors and screenwriters. Each one, eager for the honor of creating the perfect joke, gave him their best material. But nothing submitted was ever good enough.
&nbsp;
Just as he was about to despair, an old legendary comic pulled him close and whispered a location in his ear. The man nodded and booked a plane for Nepal. There, he searched and searched among the Himalayas until he came to a tiny temple. Inside the temple sat a monk with a kind face, weathered by laugh lines. The man fell to his knees and begged the monk for the perfect joke.
&nbsp;
"I have heard millions of jokes!" the man cried. "None were perfect!"
&nbsp;
"There is only one **real** joke," the monk replied. "The rest are merely illusions."
&nbsp;
"Then where can I find this joke?" the man asked, his face filling with hope.
&nbsp;
The monk smiled.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
"The real joke is in the comments."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ki3c7/a_man_went_searching_for_the_perfect_joke/
%
After a terrible fire that brought down their home, a man and his wife were grasping for answers

"Do you think it was arson?", she said.
"Which one?", he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ki2lu/after_a_terrible_fire_that_brought_down_their/
%
Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ki1tl/grandmas_apple_pie/
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I never really thought of myself as a racist before President Trump came along. He and his supporters have really opened my eyes.

I fucking hate Orange people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6khwo8/i_never_really_thought_of_myself_as_a_racist/
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[LONG] A plane crash in the jungle.

Three men on safari are flying in a plane over the Congo when the plane crashes. They survive, but they're instantly captured by a tribe of cannibal savages.
The savages imprison the men in bamboo cages and inform the men that they are about to be eaten alive. But before that happens the tribal leaders tell the men that they will have one chance to be set free.
The tribal leader tells them that they have to complete a couple of challenges. He says first, the men must go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of the same fruit.
So the men go out into the jungle to collect the fruit.
Man number one returns first and he's got 10 oranges. The tribal leader says "good, good. Now you must insert each one into your ass and if you even flinch, we will eat you alive."
Man one see it as a tall challenge but he's begins to insert the oranges. He gets two oranges up there before he winces in pain and screams out.
The tribe eats him alive.
Just then, man number two emerges from the jungle. He's carrying 10 grapes.
The tribal leader gives him the same instructions. He must shove the 10 grapes up his ass without flinching.
Man two begins putting the grapes up his ass. He gets 8 grapes up there and as he's inserting the 9th grape he bursts out laughing hysterically.
The tribe eats him alive.
Man two meets man one in heaven. Man one looks flabbergasted. Man one says "wow, you almost made it! What the hell happened?"
Man two says
"I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6khu56/long_a_plane_crash_in_the_jungle/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6khs1r/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
The bartender told him, "We don't serve time travellers here!"

A time traveller walked into a bar,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6khqqa/the_bartender_told_him_we_dont_serve_time/
%
What is the best paradox?

A Stormtrooper shooting at a red shirt. One can't hit anything, and the other won't dodge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6khqom/what_is_the_best_paradox/
%
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please."
Headwaiter: "But there's only . . . um, 13 of you."  Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6khpvc/jesus_and_his_disciples_walk_into_a_restaurant/
%
Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority?

Because they hate Dick's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6khpsj/why_do_lesbians_shop_at_sports_authority/
%
I know a guy that ate his own arm.

He's so full of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6khid9/i_know_a_guy_that_ate_his_own_arm/
%
A man shows up to work with a black eye...

His co-worker Buddy asks him "Where'd you get that shiner from, Dan?"
Dan says "I got it at church this weekend"
Buddy: "How the hell do you manage to get a black eye at church?"
Dan: "Well I sitting behind this big fat lady and when we stood up to sing hymns I noticed her dress was stuck in her buttcrack so I pulled it out for her and she swung around and popped me in the eye"
Buddy: "I bet you won't do THAT again will ya, Dan!"
Dan: "You bet your life I won't, Bud"
The next week Dan shows up to work and now BOTH eyes are black so, of course, Buddy asks him if he pulled the dress out of the fat ladys buttcrack again.
Dan says: "Hell no! What happened was when she got up this time the dress was stuck in her buttcrack again and the fella next to me was the dummy who pulled it out. I know she hates if you do that so I tucked it back in there for her"
(Told to me by an old guy at work today)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kheqw/a_man_shows_up_to_work_with_a_black_eye/
%
There's a support group dedicated to those addicted to plastic surgery...

The leader walks in and says "Wow, I see a lot of new faces. I have to say I'm disappointed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6khc6i/theres_a_support_group_dedicated_to_those/
%
A priest and a man are sitting on a bench.

Man : forgive me father, for i have sinned.
Priest : What have you done my son?
M : Everytime it rains i rape someone. A month ago it was raining and i raped my aunt.
P : may god forgive you my son.
M : a week ago it was raining again and i raped my neighbour.
P : may god forgive you my son.
M : just yesterday i raped my daughter.
*The priest runs into the church and locks the door.*
M : father, what are you doing?
P : It's starting to rain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6khay9/a_priest_and_a_man_are_sitting_on_a_bench/
%
I decided to go to a coffee shop today

The barista behind the counter said that I should try a new but expensive brew of coffee. It was $9 but I decided to try it. I took a sip of the beverage, and almost instantly spat it out.
"Wha... This tastes like mud!" I shouted at the barista.
He turned and smiled. "It should. It was fresh ground this morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6khaor/i_decided_to_go_to_a_coffee_shop_today/
%
What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir,
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6khaic/what_is_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

A PETA advertising model.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kh9pw/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
What did the man get for shoplifting a calender?

12 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kh98x/what_did_the_man_get_for_shoplifting_a_calender/
%
My computer kept overheating while playing CS:GO

I had to stop to give it a quick de_dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kh7p6/my_computer_kept_overheating_while_playing_csgo/
%
It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds. An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf.

and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kh6j0/it_is_interesting_how_different_nations_have/
%
Bless me father for I have

Sneezed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kh6ix/bless_me_father_for_i_have/
%
A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.

His condition is now stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kh55a/a_guy_was_admitted_to_hospital_with_8_plastic/
%
A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kh4n8/a_patient_bursts_into_a_doctors_office_doctor_i/
%
What's the difference between Twitter and Vietnam?

Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kh2pi/whats_the_difference_between_twitter_and_vietnam/
%
A blonde walks into a sex shop.

Clerk: Hi Ma'am! What are you looking for today?
Blonde: I'm not getting much action lately, so I'm looking for a dildo.
Clerk: *shows her the dildo collection* This is what we have ma'am. Which one do you prefer?
Blonde: I want the red one.
Clerk: That's the fire extinguisher you whore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kh018/a_blonde_walks_into_a_sex_shop/
%
A young salesman applies for a job in a big store

The manager asks him about his credentials, and the young man answers: "I can sell *everything*."
Encouraged by the young man's confidence, the manager offers him the job, and he starts right away. A week later, they review his performance.
"How many customers have you served?"
"One, sir", the young salesman responds.
"One.", the manager retorts, obviously displeased. "And how much did that sale make us?"
"153,690 dollars, sir"
"What?! How for God's sake did you manage to do that?!"
"Well, I sold a customer a fishing hook, and then a fishing line, and a fishing pole, and an additional extendable fishing pole made out of steel, and a cooler, and a fishing boat, and finally, an offroad jeep with a trailer."
"So let me get this right: You sold that man a fishing line, two fishing poles, a cooler, a fishing boat *and* an offroad jeep with a trailer all while he just wanted to buy a fishing hook?!"
"Almost. Originally, the man just wanted to buy a box of tampons, so I said to him 'well, if you don't see any action this weekend anyway, you might just as well go fishing.' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kgxqw/a_young_salesman_applies_for_a_job_in_a_big_store/
%
What's the hardest tea to swallow

Reality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kgxjs/whats_the_hardest_tea_to_swallow/
%
Why do cops have really clear skin?

They're great at popping black heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kgxau/why_do_cops_have_really_clear_skin/
%
Why aren't dogs house builders?

They have trouble building woofs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kgqiw/why_arent_dogs_house_builders/
%
How many Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kgp7c/how_many_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I hate grammar nazis,

There so annoying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kgnll/i_hate_grammar_nazis/
%
I've always been worried that my penis isn't big enough to satisfy my wife.

But I've never heard her moan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kgk6a/ive_always_been_worried_that_my_penis_isnt_big/
%
So hydroxide, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorus walk into a bar.

The bartender yells, "OH SNaP!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kgjci/so_hydroxide_sulfur_sodium_and_phosphorus_walk/
%
Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people.

They hate bigotry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kgjb1/bonsai_lovers_are_very_tolerant_people/
%
[nsfw] How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kgiqx/nsfw_how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream/
%
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?

Popeye almost killed him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kgexn/what_happened_to_the_pope_when_he_went_to_mount/
%
2 Texas Guys 1 Choking Woman

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.
One Texan turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I’m gonna go over there and help.”
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands and asked “Kin ya swaller?”
Gasping, she shook her head “No.”
He asked “Can ya breathe?”
Still gasping she again shook her head “No.”
With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said “Ya know, it’s amazin’ — that hind-lick maneuver always works!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kg5jb/2_texas_guys_1_choking_woman/
%
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but they *just* fit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kg06w/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
I asked my doctor if he could give me some Viagra.

He said, "As it stands, no."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kfw7h/i_asked_my_doctor_if_he_could_give_me_some_viagra/
%
"We Do Not Have A Child Slave Colony On Mars."

They are free to leave the dome whenever they wish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kftxr/we_do_not_have_a_child_slave_colony_on_mars/
%
People today are so politically correct. You can't even say black paint,

You have to say "Leeroy, please paint my fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kftfe/people_today_are_so_politically_correct_you_cant/
%
A preacher trained his horse...

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said "Thank God" and to stop when he said "Amen."
The preacher mounted the horse and said "Thank God" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch , he said " "Amen." He took off again saying "Thank God"
The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said "whoa! whoa!" Then he remembered and said "Amen" and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said "Thank God!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kfp3z/a_preacher_trained_his_horse/
%
If coffee is my favorite drug, then what is coffee's favorite drug?

Pot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kfoms/if_coffee_is_my_favorite_drug_then_what_is/
%
So I was teaching my brother English...

I told him to skip the first "H" when reading or pronouncing words (e.g. honour, hour, honest etc.) Later that day I told him to heat my lunch in the microwave... let's just say I didn't have any lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kfl05/so_i_was_teaching_my_brother_english/
%
What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak. ​​​

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kfhdu/whats_the_difference_between_anal_and_oral_sex/
%
Teacher : Why didn't you write your homework? Pupil : My dad is in a hospital

*7 days later* T : why didn't you write your homework this time?
P : my dad is still in the hospital.
T : wow, this must be serious.
*1 month later*
T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital.
P : Indeed.
T: well, how come?
P : he's a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kffg0/teacher_why_didnt_you_write_your_homework_pupil/
%
Bless me father for I have sinned

A man walks into a confession booth.
He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."
The priest there says to him, "Speak my child."
The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, and I hid a Jewish family up in my attic."
The priest is pleased. This is a rather happy confession. He says, "That is a very noble deed my son. Why would you tell me this in confession though?"
The man continues, "Well Father, I also took a lot of rent from them for living in my attic."
The priest is a little taken aback but still happy that the man chose to protect the family. He says, "That was not right on your part. Whenever you do a good deed, you should do it for the happiness it brings others and not your personal gain. The intent was still noble though so you have not sinned."
The man continues, "If that's the case, I feel much better now. I would like to ask for some guidance though."
The priest says, "Ask and I shall answer to the best of my ability."
The man says, "Its about that Jewish family. Should I tell them the war is over?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kffc9/bless_me_father_for_i_have_sinned/
%
I don't understand why my coworkers get so upset when I joke about medical issues. Yesterday I made one about multiple sclerosis...

and that *really* got people bent out of shape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kfedd/i_dont_understand_why_my_coworkers_get_so_upset/
%
Why does a Somalian baby cry?

It's having a mid life crisis.
I apologize for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kfe3o/why_does_a_somalian_baby_cry/
%
What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kfdyo/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
Have you ever heard of the band "stormtroopers"?

No wonder, they never landed a hit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kfcfu/have_you_ever_heard_of_the_band_stormtroopers/
%
I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me.

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kfbmp/i_cant_believe_that_youve_been_visiting/
%
What do you call a boxer that sucks?

Mike Dyson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kf9wa/what_do_you_call_a_boxer_that_sucks/
%
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kf7sc/wife_i_have_a_bag_full_of_used_clothing_id_like/
%
A German, Dutchman , and a China man...

An entrepreneur manufacturing and selling his own product decides he needs a vacation but has no employees to run the business while he's gone.
So he hires a German and tells him he'll be in charge or manufacturing.
Then he hires as Dutchman and tells him he'll be in charge or selling everything the German makes.
Then he hires a China man and tells him the he's in charge or the supplies.
He takes his vacation and when he comes back he the German is manufacturing as fast as the Dutchman can sell them but he can't find the China man anywhere.
The German and Dutchman tell him the China man is in the supply room.
He walks into the supply room to see a stack of boxes... after a couple seconds out pops the China man from the boxes who yells "SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kf5vn/a_german_dutchman_and_a_china_man/
%
Counseling

There are three married couples, a couple married one year, ten years, and twenty-five years. All three couples are in a bit of a rough patch, and the wives happen to seek counseling from the same counselor.
The counselor suggests each of wives to try spicing up their love life. "Before your husband gets home, surprise him by wearing nothing but a masquerade mask, and see what happens." The wives each decide to try it.
The wife of one year gets ready. Her husband comes home, sees her, and excitedly takes her to the bedroom for the night.
The wife of ten years gets ready. Her husband comes home, sees her, and excitedly takes her to the bedroom for the night.
The wife of twenty-five years gets ready. Her husband comes home, sees her, walks right past her, plops on the couch and yells, "Hey Zorro, make me a sandwich."
I've seen an iteration of this joke posted but I wanted to share it with all of you the way my 94-year-old grandfather shared it with me before he passed. I didn't realize he knew jokes like this, and he proved my ignorance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kf5l2/counseling/
%
Steve Irwin died as he lived.

With animals in his heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kf4u1/steve_irwin_died_as_he_lived/
%
Why did the faucet take a sick leave?

He wasn't filling so well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kf3pe/why_did_the_faucet_take_a_sick_leave/
%
Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kf3ey/thank_god_we_dont_need_to_hunt_for_food_anymore/
%
- "Dude, sarcasm will never get you anywhere in life"

+ "Well, it got me to the Sarcasm World Championship in Peru back in 98"
- "Really?"
+ "..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kf2ss/dude_sarcasm_will_never_get_you_anywhere_in_life/
%
What do you call a short ballerina in 2017?

A midget spinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kf1zh/what_do_you_call_a_short_ballerina_in_2017/
%
Doctor, I've got a problem

Doc: What is that?
Gramps: I don't know why, but I keep pooping everyday at 8 am sharp.
Doc: How is that a problem?
Gramps: I wake up at 9am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6keywv/doctor_ive_got_a_problem/
%
I was at the gym the other night, I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in.

Long story short, she filed a complaint and I'm banned for life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6keunm/i_was_at_the_gym_the_other_night_i_found_a_hole/
%
Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.

Trump declares "I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable." He grabs a parachute and jumps.
One of the bodyguards says "Hey, man, you have a wife and kids. Take the parachute."
The other replies "There are enough parachutes for both of us, Tim. Mr Trump took my knapsack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kes2k/donald_trump_and_his_two_bodyguards_are_on_a/
%
the protagonist of Wolfenstein went into a coma

Don't worry, when he woke up, everything was alt right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6keokp/the_protagonist_of_wolfenstein_went_into_a_coma/
%
A minister wants to lick his queen's bosom

He asks Tenali Raman to help him achieve this desire. Tenali says he will help him out, but only for a fee. The minister pays him half the gold then and promises the rest once his desire has been fulfilled. Tenali agrees.
Tenali goes to the palace washerman, bribes him and gets him to put a special itching powder in the queen's bra.
The queen develops a terrible itch and noone is able to cure it. The king asks all his courtiers for help. Tenali hands the antidote to the minister and tells him to
apply it on his tongue and go to town on the queen's breasts, and tell her that it's necessary for the cure to work.
The minister has his fun, and the Queen is cured. Tenali comes to him and asks for the rest of the gold. The greedy minister refuses to pay and tells Tenali to bugger off.
Tenali smiles, walks to the washerman, bribes him again and asks him to put the special itching powder in the kings underpants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6keo9i/a_minister_wants_to_lick_his_queens_bosom/
%
A blonde, a burnette and a redhead are stranded on an island 15 miles from shore...

The burnette says "I have always been a very good swimmer, I will swim to shore and send help." She swims out 5 miles then drowns.
The next day the redhead says, "I was on the swim team in highschool, I know I can swim 15 miles, I will go get help." She swims out 10 miles and drowns.
The next day the blonde thinks "It's up to me to get help!" She swims out 14.9 miles, she can see and hear the people on the beach, but she gets tired and swims back to the island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kelpy/a_blonde_a_burnette_and_a_redhead_are_stranded_on/
%
An Islamic terrorist blows himself up and ascends to paradise.

When he gets there he's greeted by Allah and an elderly lady who immediately wraps her frail arms round the terrorist, removes her false teeth and gives him a huge sloppy kiss.
Confused, the terrorist says, "Allah, I'm sorry to question your benevolence, but I thought there would be 72 virgins awaiting my arrival?"
Allah replies, "This is widely misconcepted my child. You've done us proud, now enjoy the rest of eternity with this 72 year old virgin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kei6w/an_islamic_terrorist_blows_himself_up_and_ascends/
%
I wonder how many vampires

have been run over by people who backup just using their mirrors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kegd8/i_wonder_how_many_vampires/
%
I didn't know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Society meeting,

so I just came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kefuj/i_didnt_know_what_to_wear_to_my_premature/
%
I'm always frank with my sexual partners,

I wouldn't want them to know my real name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kefc2/im_always_frank_with_my_sexual_partners/
%
What do you say after finishing a game of chess at an Australian restaurant?

Checkmate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kee16/what_do_you_say_after_finishing_a_game_of_chess/
%
The Soviet chain factory

Once upon a time, there was a factory in the Soviet Union that made chains. When the communists took over, they abolished capitalism, and instead of selling chains the factory sent their production to the government to distribute, and were rewarded based on their production quotas set by the bureaucrats in Moscow.
However, the bureaucrats had little knowledge of what was needed or how to measure productivity, and their quotas were unreasonable so the factory manager had to get creative to complete the orders. When Moscow set quotas by quantity, they churned out hundreds of thousands of tiny, two-link chains. When Moscow realized this was not useful and set a quota by weight instead, they started building giant chains with each link weighing several pounds. Realizing this wasn't working, Moscow set a new quota based on market value. That's when the factory started producing solid-gold chains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ke74d/the_soviet_chain_factory/
%
A Welshman enters a game show....

A Welshman enters a game show, and he is given the choice of three doors: Behind one door is a car; behind the others, sheeps.
He chooses door # 1 and the host opens door #3 to reveal a sheep behind it.
The host askes, "Do you want to change your choice?"
To which the man replies, "Nay, I'm good."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ke5kq/a_welshman_enters_a_game_show/
%
What does a catfish chase after?

A string ray!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ke4uq/what_does_a_catfish_chase_after/
%
How My Wife and I Never Fight Over Money

We don't have any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ke47i/how_my_wife_and_i_never_fight_over_money/
%
Why did the young railroad engineer fall on the tracks?

He was undertrained

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ke3aj/why_did_the_young_railroad_engineer_fall_on_the/
%
Why doesn't Hitler ever get invited to a BBQ?

He keeps burning the Franks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kdx9i/why_doesnt_hitler_ever_get_invited_to_a_bbq/
%
7/11

was a part time job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kdwg1/711/
%
Election & Erection are spelled almost the same.

They both mean the same thing too: A dick rising to power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kdrr9/election_erection_are_spelled_almost_the_same/
%
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a Zit?

A zit will wait till your twelve years old to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kdraj/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
%
Abort a baby at 1 month, nobody cares.

Abort it at 24 months, suddenly you're a monster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kdqcm/abort_a_baby_at_1_month_nobody_cares/
%
What happened when the clown-fish tried to fast travel?

You cannot fast travel when anemone is nearby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kdpfn/what_happened_when_the_clownfish_tried_to_fast/
%
Everyone laughed when I told em I was gonna be a comedian

Well nobody's laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kdn1u/everyone_laughed_when_i_told_em_i_was_gonna_be_a/
%
What do you call it when one kindergartener beats up another kindergartener to become class president?

A coup d'tot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kdl3l/what_do_you_call_it_when_one_kindergartener_beats/
%
I threw a suprise bukkake party for my sister

Everyone came you should of seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kdkxf/i_threw_a_suprise_bukkake_party_for_my_sister/
%
What do you call it when all your employees get sick?

A staff infection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kdhpk/what_do_you_call_it_when_all_your_employees_get/
%
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kdh5s/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
%
Why did Prince Wlliam want to become a pilot?

Because he was the 101st heir born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kd9h7/why_did_prince_wlliam_want_to_become_a_pilot/
%
My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday.

So I got her a bathroom scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kd8fa/my_wife_asked_me_to_get_her_something_that_goes/
%
Why do people think Jesus is coming back?

He wasn't nailed to a fucking boomerang, ffs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kd81p/why_do_people_think_jesus_is_coming_back/
%
How does Jesus make Tea?

HEBREWS IT !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kd5ce/how_does_jesus_make_tea/
%
why do necromancers have to be hated so much?

i mean,cant a guy raise a family in peace?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kd344/why_do_necromancers_have_to_be_hated_so_much/
%
A father has a 8 year old kid named Jimmy that was always too afraid to ride a bike.

The dad says to Jimmy “Today is the day that you learn to ride a bike”
Jimmy responds “Dad, you know I can’t”
His dad replies with “Jimmy you have to learn how to ride a bike”
Jimmy refused to attempt it so his dad literally picked him up and put him on a bike. The dad was persistent in trying to teach him but Jimmy just couldn’t do it. Jimmy wouldn’t even grab onto the handlebars or put his feet on the pedals.
So the dad, getting angry that his son was refusing to cooperate, decided that Jimmy would be have to cooperate if he let go of him on a hill.
His dad let go of him, and Jimmy rolled about 2 feet before falling off the bike and rolling down the hill. He banged his head on a rock and cosequently died.
Jimmy’s dad called his wife to tell her the bad news. His wife, totally shocked, screamed “how did you let our son die???!!!”
Jimmy’s dad responded with "Honey, you were right. I guess quadripelegics really can’t ride a bike.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kd30l/a_father_has_a_8_year_old_kid_named_jimmy_that/
%
What did the deputy find in the sheriff's toilet?

The police log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kd1ko/what_did_the_deputy_find_in_the_sheriffs_toilet/
%
Did you hear about two antennas that got married?

The ceremony was okay, but the reception was great!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kd0pm/did_you_hear_about_two_antennas_that_got_married/
%
"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals!"

Trump: "Mine less then"
Grammar nazi bursts in and says: "mine fewer"
Trump turns his head and says: "Yes?"
Credits to u/luckyloot98 I changed their joke a bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kcrj5/sir_were_mining_too_many_useless_minerals/
%
If the bigger your feet, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick,

it's no wonder people are terrified of clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kcmzo/if_the_bigger_your_feet_the_bigger_your_dick_and/
%
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kcir3/my_grandfather_was_the_type_of_person_who_never/
%
I have a chicken proof lawn…

It's impeccable…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kcil6/i_have_a_chicken_proof_lawn/
%
What did the colour-changing lizard say to his significant other?

You're one in chameleon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kci09/what_did_the_colourchanging_lizard_say_to_his/
%
"Sir we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then."
*grammar nazi bursts in*
"Mine fewer"
*Hitler looks over* "Yes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kcebu/sir_were_mining_too_many_useless_minerals/
%
A couple had been married for 70 years..

And then one fateful day, the husband fell ill and passed on. A few weeks later, the wife also passes away. Upon arriving in Heaven, she sees her husband. Excited, she calls him out:
"George! George! It's me, your wife! I just got here and we can be together for the rest of eternity!
The husband upon realizing it was his wife, starts to run the other way.
Confused, the wife shouts "Why?"
"I held up my end of the bargain 'Till death do us part'...but not a minute more!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kccqr/a_couple_had_been_married_for_70_years/
%
Did you hear about the Olympic gymnast that was a convicted felon?

He was always known for some assaults

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kcc3l/did_you_hear_about_the_olympic_gymnast_that_was_a/
%
Where do crayons go on vacation?

Color-ado

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kc828/where_do_crayons_go_on_vacation/
%
On the train today, the guy next to me starts jerking off, and says he's going to blow his load all over my left arm

I said, "Sorry buddy, not on MY watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kc7u9/on_the_train_today_the_guy_next_to_me_starts/
%
I just got back from the camping orgy

It was fucking intense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kc70d/i_just_got_back_from_the_camping_orgy/
%
How many blondes does it take to screw a light bulb?

Five. One to hold the lightbulb and four to turn the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kc65f/how_many_blondes_does_it_take_to_screw_a_light/
%
Lenin, on his death bed, said to Stalin: How will you rule if so many do not wish to follow you?

Stalin calmly smiled at him: Don't worry, those who won't follow me, I'll make them follow you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kc5r4/lenin_on_his_death_bed_said_to_stalin_how_will/
%
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kbzj5/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
A couple is expecting their first born child...

It's a beautiful spring day and the mother is sleeping after a long delivery.  The doctor walks in holding the baby and announces that it's a baby boy.
The father asks,  "Can I hold him?" and the doctor replies "Of course, but I have to run a few tests first, its routine you understand".
So the doctor flips the boy over and smacks him on the butt. Just smacks him as hard as he can. The father screams out "What are you doing!?" and the doctor says "Sir, this is a routine procedure, i'm a doctor, I know what I'm doing".  The father apologizes and says "i'm sorry doctor, it's just that it's our first child and i'm a little nervous".
The doctor then flips the baby over and just starts shaking it.  He's shaking it just as hard as he can.  The father jumps out of the chair and says "What are you doing!?" and the doctor says "Sir, Sir. I'm a doctor, I know what I'm doing, this is a routine procedure".  The father apologizes again and sits back down.
So the doctor takes the baby and just bounces it.  Just bounces it as hard as he can and the father jumps up, grabs the doctor by the scruff and says "alright you son of a bitch, you tell me whats going on right now or i'm going to snap your neck on the spot!".
The doctor looks at him and replies "April Fools! It was stillborn".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kbvun/a_couple_is_expecting_their_first_born_child/
%
Have you heard about the cure for premature ejaculation?

It's coming soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kbtlk/have_you_heard_about_the_cure_for_premature/
%
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kbrtc/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world

I know because I've done it thousands of times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kbqmf/giving_up_smoking_is_the_easiest_thing_in_the/
%
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kbnx2/what_do_you_call_a_drummer_without_a_girlfriend/
%
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time

So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kbk3i/i_went_to_a_restaurant_that_serves_breakfast_at/
%
I made a graph of my past relationships.

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kbhp1/i_made_a_graph_of_my_past_relationships/
%
How do you castrate a hillbilly?

You kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kbgip/how_do_you_castrate_a_hillbilly/
%
What would the reunification of the USSR be called?

The Soviet Reunion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kbf3a/what_would_the_reunification_of_the_ussr_be_called/
%
What did the world's first hotcake salesman say?

"SALES ARE UNPRECEDENTED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kbcjx/what_did_the_worlds_first_hotcake_salesman_say/
%
I hate sitting in traffic

Because I always get run over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kbb9u/i_hate_sitting_in_traffic/
%
What do you call a red headed ninja?

A Ginja

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kb8qd/what_do_you_call_a_red_headed_ninja/
%
A redneck and a midget get into an accident

The midget gets out of his car, hands on his hips and squeaks angrily, "I am not happy!"
The redneck spits and drawls "so which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kb6vl/a_redneck_and_a_midget_get_into_an_accident/
%
What elements are a banana made out of?

BaNa₂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kb4gm/what_elements_are_a_banana_made_out_of/
%
A girl walks out of the shower

She says, to her boyfriend, who was sitting on the bed: "Baby, I'm wet". The boyfriend responds by asking if she wants a paper towel. "No, I want more than that", says the girlfriend in response, with a wink. The boyfriend, still utterly clueless, asks if she wants two paper towels. "No, I want something big and round". The boyfriend raises both his eyebrows and surprised, says:
"Damn you want the whole roll?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kb1uc/a_girl_walks_out_of_the_shower/
%
Friend: I just left my job. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.

Me: What did he say?
Friend: You are Fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kazzk/friend_i_just_left_my_job_i_couldnt_work_for_that/
%
A small boy parks his bicycle nearby the Parliament house and walks on...

A police constable stops him and asks: "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know about this road? Many politicians pass from here".
The boy innocently replies, "Don't worry, I have locked my bicycle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kat65/a_small_boy_parks_his_bicycle_nearby_the/
%
What do you call a gay dentist?

The tooth fairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kany9/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dentist/
%
How to tell if you are old?

Pretend to fall down. If people laugh, you are not old yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kalpa/how_to_tell_if_you_are_old/
%
A guy walks in to a bar

He sees a piece of meat hanging from the ceiling so he goes up to the bartender and asks what it is
He says, so if you can jump and hit the meat, you get free drinks for the night. But if you miss, you have to buy drinks for the whole bar.
He thinks for a second and says, "nah the steaks are too high"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kal4i/a_guy_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess

Most people don't know how to play chess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kakt9/sarcasm_is_like_a_good_game_of_chess/
%
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that's trying to swim?

bob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kainf/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender...

I would have 1 dollar and 79 cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kad5j/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
The new French tanks are very practical

Now they have rear view mirrors to see how the battle is going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kacjm/the_new_french_tanks_are_very_practical/
%
What's the difference between Jack Daniels and John Wayne?

Jack Daniels killed more indians than John Wayne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kabxp/whats_the_difference_between_jack_daniels_and/
%
How do you keep warm in cold room?

You go to the corner, cause it's always 90 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6kabtj/how_do_you_keep_warm_in_cold_room/
%
A boy asks his I dad about being gay

Son : Dad, what does it mean to be gay?
Dad : It means you're happy.
Son : Are you happy, dad ?
Dad : No, I have a wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ka906/a_boy_asks_his_i_dad_about_being_gay/
%
What happens if u throw a purple hat in the black sea?

It gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ka05f/what_happens_if_u_throw_a_purple_hat_in_the_black/
%
A husband asks his wife "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

His wife replies " I don't like calling you at work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k9xot/a_husband_asks_his_wife_why_dont_you_tell_me_when/
%
If Donald Trump was a Sith Lord...

His name would be Taxi Vader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k9ww7/if_donald_trump_was_a_sith_lord/
%
What's the difference between falling from the first floor and falling from the 10th floor?

First floor: Thump! ...Aaaaaaah!!
Tenth floor: Aaaaaaah!! ...Thump!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k9sqa/whats_the_difference_between_falling_from_the/
%
Dark humor is like good internet service

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k9sat/dark_humor_is_like_good_internet_service/
%
Why don't bears wear shoes?

Because they have bear feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k9par/why_dont_bears_wear_shoes/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women

Without some other dudes wiener in it, Christine you fucking slut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k9oz2/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.

One says to the other "does this taste funny to you"
The other cannibal says "No".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k9ok9/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k9lm9/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?

Liberty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k9kge/what_kind_of_tea_did_the_american_colonists/
%
Late night call to the Vet

A dog lover, whose female dog came in heat, was concerned about keeping her and her male separated. But, she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.  I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me." he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k9fdi/late_night_call_to_the_vet/
%
Gordon Ramsey today released his long-awaited book about having sex with herbs.

It's about fucking thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k989v/gordon_ramsey_today_released_his_longawaited_book/
%
I'm not the kind to walk away from responsibility

I run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k9095/im_not_the_kind_to_walk_away_from_responsibility/
%
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?

I said "yeah, the fucking drain is clogged again. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k8zer/my_girlfriend_came_out_of_the_shower_and_said_i/
%
The Cheapest Whore You Got

A guy walks in the local whorehouse, says “I want the cheapest one you got, I don’t have much money.” The guy behind the counter says “How bout the $1.95 cent special?” The customer says “ok”, and he paid, headed to the room. When he opened the door, he found this beautiful whore spread out, just waiting for him. He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her. Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears. He freaked, “omg she’s sick!” He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happening, and the guy says “hey Joe! The dead one’s full again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k8vk9/the_cheapest_whore_you_got/
%
Naked nuns and the blind man

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.” So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.” They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k8v3q/naked_nuns_and_the_blind_man/
%
The TV Healer

Grandpa and Grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k8s6h/the_tv_healer/
%
What's the best place to find anonymous tips?

A glory hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k8rod/whats_the_best_place_to_find_anonymous_tips/
%
2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people

1. They need money for drugs.
2. I need money for drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k8omo/2_reasons_why_i_dont_give_money_to_homeless_people/
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The missing letter

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k8nno/the_missing_letter/
%
A psychic dwarf escapes from prison

They said it was a small medium at large...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k8mfe/a_psychic_dwarf_escapes_from_prison/
%
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k8jpe/what_do_you_call_someone_who_hangs_out_with/
%
There was a man in France who used to drive a train for a living...

There was a man in France who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old france law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of  execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k8hai/there_was_a_man_in_france_who_used_to_drive_a/
%
An alcoholic walks into a bar, first thing in the morning,

And sits down at the bar. His friend, the bartender says "Whiskey on the rocks, as usual?"
The man responds, "It's too early..."
The bartender is shocked, "Too early for a drink? For you?" He asks, surprised.
The man looks at him and says,
"No, for stupid questions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k8g15/an_alcoholic_walks_into_a_bar_first_thing_in_the/
%
Why should you never get into a relationship with a tennis player?

Because "love" means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k8dar/why_should_you_never_get_into_a_relationship_with/
%
I just broke up with my communist girlfriend.

There just were too many red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k8d0c/i_just_broke_up_with_my_communist_girlfriend/
%
A Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist, an Agnostic and an Atheist all walk into a restaurant...

They talk, laugh, drink and become good friends. It's not a joke, it's what happens when you're not a fucking asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k88ve/a_jew_a_christian_a_muslim_a_buddhist_an_agnostic/
%
I was going to make a joke about swordplay...

But I was afraid my joke would be a riposte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k865i/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_swordplay/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k85d1/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
Dad: Son, do we have any 'dop ted'?

Son: What's a "dop ted"?
Dad: YOU ARE! You're adopted!
Son: Nice one, Dad.
Dad: I'm not your Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k858v/dad_son_do_we_have_any_dop_ted/
%
I don't worry about my friend whose fiancee left him at the altar

I know he wants to hang himself, but he can't tie the knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k84de/i_dont_worry_about_my_friend_whose_fiancee_left/
%
I used to steal other comedian's jokes.

I still do but I used to, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k81b1/i_used_to_steal_other_comedians_jokes/
%
God must be black

He has tons of kids yet no one has ever seen him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k7zs4/god_must_be_black/
%
Who was the Pharaoh's favourite chef?

Gordon Ramesses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k7scg/who_was_the_pharaohs_favourite_chef/
%
My marriage is based on trust.

And that trust is based in the Cayman Islands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k7quy/my_marriage_is_based_on_trust/
%
Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow

If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k7qtg/grandmas_been_staring_through_the_window_ever/
%
I got a few jokes...

My life.
My Girlfriend.
And my education.
Good thing I have bacon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k7q8l/i_got_a_few_jokes/
%
We were driving through the Welsh countryside when my little girl said…

"Look at that strange animal daddy, man at the back, sheep at the front."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k7pci/we_were_driving_through_the_welsh_countryside/
%
What do you call Salvador Dali after multiple homicide?

A surreal killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k7o3n/what_do_you_call_salvador_dali_after_multiple/
%
New Shiny Shoes

An Italian bachelor buys a new pair of shiny shoes, and decides to head out on the town to show them off.
Once he's at his favorite swing dancing club he begins looking for women to dance with. He finds a beautiful blonde and asks her to dance. She agrees.
"How about a bet?" He asks the blonde.
"Okay." She replies.
"If I can tell what color panties you have on, you have to give me your number."
She laughs but agrees.
While they're dancing the man looks down at his shoe and sees a purple reflection.
"Purple!" He shouts.
She jumps back bewildered. "How on Earth did you know?"
"A gentleman never reveals his secrets."
He hands her a piece of paper and a pen. She writes down her number and hands it back to him.
The man then moves on to stunning a brunette, and asks her for a dance.
Again, he asks her "How about a bet?"
"What kind of bet?" She asks
"If I can tell what color panties you have on, you have to give me your number."
She rolls her eyes but agrees.
While their dancing the man looks down at his shoe and sees a green reflection.
"Green!" He shouts.
The brunette laughs and takes out her own pen and paper. She happily writes her number down and stuffs it in the man's front pocket.
The man, feeling cocky now, makes his way over to the most gorgeous woman in the club, a fiery redhead. He asks her to dance and she gladly obliges.
After a while of dancing he looks down at his shoe and lets out a shriek.
The redhead asks him "What's wrong?"
"Please tell me you're not wearing any underwear!" He asks her.
"No, why?"
"Oh good! I thought I had a crack in my new shoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k7nkw/new_shiny_shoes/
%
I just finished a book about the berserkers...

apparently they used to be all the rage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k7jgs/i_just_finished_a_book_about_the_berserkers/
%
TIL: Why Texas is called "The Lone Star State"

It's their Yelp rating...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k7hyo/til_why_texas_is_called_the_lone_star_state/
%
Friend: I just took some laxatives and some laughing gas!

Me: Why?
Friend: Shits and Giggles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k7dl7/friend_i_just_took_some_laxatives_and_some/
%
A blonde calls the doctor to cancel her appointment.

"Im going to have to cancel my appointment", says the blonde.
"Why?", asks the doctor.
"I'm not feeling well...", responds the blonde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k7bmc/a_blonde_calls_the_doctor_to_cancel_her/
%
My friend said he liked the ending of his book so much, he'd jack off to it.

I just don't know how he came to that conclusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k7aq7/my_friend_said_he_liked_the_ending_of_his_book_so/
%
I asked my wife what she wants for our anniversary…

Where the heck am I supposed to get the last 10 years of her life back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k7al9/i_asked_my_wife_what_she_wants_for_our_anniversary/
%
An Englishman, Scotsmen and Irishman walk into a bar.

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Reposted from a comment
Credit : u/kushenYT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k79av/an_englishman_scotsmen_and_irishman_walk_into_a/
%
What’s the difference between my jokes and my dick?

Nobody laughs at my jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k77sm/whats_the_difference_between_my_jokes_and_my_dick/
%
Peter Parker was at home alone one day, when suddenly aunt may walks in on him masturbating.

I guess she was the first person to see Spiderman home coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k75wv/peter_parker_was_at_home_alone_one_day_when/
%
What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k71w4/what_did_0_say_to_8/
%
A man went to the wishing well.

He wished for a superpower, any superpower at all.
The next day, he accidentally rammed into the wall, biting on the paint. He then dissolved into a sentient puddle, able to cover the places he moved around in paint.
"Whoa!" he said, changing out of that form. He rushed over to bite a metal pole, which granted him iron skin.
For the next 15 years, he continued to bite more and more objects and animals, making him one of the most powerful beings in the world.
*****
One day, Frank(which was his name), set out on yet another day of his reign of terror. He had decided as such: to eradicate the Resistance, which sought to overthrow him.
"Pfft." He said, waving his hand at his face. Dust was floating about, getting into his nose and eyes.
Raising his hand, he amplified his voice(having bitten a megaphone), proclaiming that "The Resistance" must come out at this second.
Suddenly, a rain of gunfire came upon him. He merely touched his chest, rendering him invincible to physical damage. Of course, his only weakness were cars, but of course no one knew about that. His ban on automobiles had only made his people think higher of him.
Soon, the pests retreated.
Frank, his eyes burning wih the hatred of a thousand flames, morphed into a ball of invisible gas(of course, it took awhile since he could only bite dry ice), and gave chase.
He soon found their hideout, poorly hidden within the forest.
There was a young boy, looking of age 9, sprinting into the dilapidated dome.
Changing into his human form, he amplified his voice yet again, calling the Resistance out.
At this moment, he heard... revving?
Paralysed by fear, he realised what was coming.
The white Porsche sped down towards him through the jungle road, seconds away from impact.
Desperate, he opened his mouth, attempting to bite it as a last ditch attempt.
Instead, he bit the dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k6ynw/a_man_went_to_the_wishing_well/
%
What's half fruit, half dog and is rather sad?

A Melon Collie.
...I'll get my coat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k6ydk/whats_half_fruit_half_dog_and_is_rather_sad/
%
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k6vyn/how_do_you_stop_a_baby_from_crawling_around_in/
%
At home, they treat me like God.

I'm generally ignored until someone wants something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k6ql2/at_home_they_treat_me_like_god/
%
Apparently, I snore so loudly

that it scares everyone in the car that I'm driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k6qa2/apparently_i_snore_so_loudly/
%
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking,

but the invention of the broom swept the nation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k6puy/the_invention_of_the_shovel_was_groundbreaking/
%
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k6nos/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
You know the best thing about having a penis?

You get to share it with people who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k6mkl/you_know_the_best_thing_about_having_a_penis/
%
A serial killer is chasing 3 young women through a farm

The three young women are a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The three women run into a barn and find three barrels to hide in. The brunette jumps into a barrel labeled "chicks". The redhead into a barrel labeled "kittens", and the blonde into one labeled "potatoes".
The serial killer follows them into the barn but can't find them. He sees the three barrels and bangs on the first. The killer hears the "cheep cheep" of baby chicks. He bangs on the second and hears the meows of kittens. Finally he bangs on the final barrel and hears "potato potato potato".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k6kz0/a_serial_killer_is_chasing_3_young_women_through/
%
I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby.

Or at least that's what my mailman said﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k6ezu/i_had_a_vasectomy_did_you_know_that_it_actually/
%
The best thing about my favorite prostitute

is the family discount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k6el9/the_best_thing_about_my_favorite_prostitute/
%
What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k64b6/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favorite_subreddit/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender there was

I would have two dollars, and a lot of Counterfeits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k60in/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender_there_was/
%
What's a politicians favorite car?

A taxi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k5zgu/whats_a_politicians_favorite_car/
%
My life is like a Nature Valley Granola bar

It keeps crumbling apart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k5xlj/my_life_is_like_a_nature_valley_granola_bar/
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A man orders coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground. The bartender doesn't want to make a scene so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change.
The client threw 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k5x07/a_man_orders_coffee/
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Two doctors go hunting together...

They are both at the top of their fields. As they decide to take a break under a tree, one looks up and spots a sleeping owl.
The first doctor says "I'm so good, I can climb this tree and remove that owl's tonsils without waking him up."
He then climbs the tree and does just that.
The second doctor laughs, and says "That's nothing. I can climb the tree and remove its gonads without waking it up."
So he climbs the tree, and sure enough the owl never wakes up.
The two laugh, pat one another on the back, and continue their day of hunting.
A few days later, the owl is sitting in a different tree, near the first. He sees another owl land there, and he calls out "Hey! Don't sleep in that tree!"
The other owl flies over and asks "Why not?"
"I slept there a few days ago, and ever since then I can't hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k5s3s/two_doctors_go_hunting_together/
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I was reading the other day about the damage that cigarettes can do to children.

The first thought that hit me was "What ever happened to using ashtrays?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k5fhq/i_was_reading_the_other_day_about_the_damage_that/
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Two fish are in a tank...

...And one fish says "you man the guns, I'l drive!"
(laugh track)
Suddenly, the fish points to the horizon and says "What is that over there?"  The other fish then exclaims "That's anemone! I can sea him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k5d3e/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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What is the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

...one is down unda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k5cej/what_is_the_difference_between_a_french_kiss_and/
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I just got arrested while on stage at a renaissance fair.

Apparently my agent was confused and they actually booked me to perform a lute act on stage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k59uo/i_just_got_arrested_while_on_stage_at_a/
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So an old lady walks in to her grown daughter's bedroom...

...and she catches her daughter in the middle of a frenzied masturbation session with her vibrator.
"Oh my God," exclaims the old lady, "What are you doing?"
"Ma," says the daughter, "I'm 39 years old, I'm never gonna get married, *this* is my husband!"
The old lady turns and runs out of the room to get her husband.
So the old man walks in and thunders, "What the hell is going on in my house!"
"Pa," says the daughter, "I'm 39 years old, I'm never gonna get married, *this* is my husband!"
He fumes out of the room.
The next day, things have calmed down so the mom and the daughter decide to go shopping for a few hours. When they return, they walk in to the living and there's the old man, with a martini in one hand and the dildo buzzing away up his ass in the other.
"Oh my God!" shrieks the daughter, "What in the hell are you doing?"
The old man looks over, lifts his glass, and says "I'm having a drink with my new son-in-law!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k58fw/so_an_old_lady_walks_in_to_her_grown_daughters/
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A sadist, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac, a zoophiliac, and a masochist are sitting in a jail cell together.

The zoophiliac says, “I want to have sex with a cat.”
The sadist says, “I want to torture the cat, then have sex with it.”
The pyromaniac says, “I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, then have sex with it.”
The necrophiliac says, “Well I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, have sex with it, kill it, and have sex with it again.”
The masochist says, “Meow.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k5616/a_sadist_a_necrophiliac_a_pyromaniac_a_zoophiliac/
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What's the difference between a cemetery and a golf course?

There's only 18 holes in a golf course.
I thought of this but maybe it's already a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k5246/whats_the_difference_between_a_cemetery_and_a/
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Did you hear the one about all the people standing in a row who hit each other?

...That was the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k51v3/did_you_hear_the_one_about_all_the_people/
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I have a logic fetish

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k4zui/i_have_a_logic_fetish/
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Why do sharks live in salt water

Because pepper water makes them sneeze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k4uuj/why_do_sharks_live_in_salt_water/
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A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k4su1/a_person_with_an_art_degree_walks_into_a_bar/
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Marriage is like flies on a windowsill...

Those on the outside want in and those on the inside want out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k4qjy/marriage_is_like_flies_on_a_windowsill/
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Whats a lesbian drug dealers favorite game?

Rock, paper, scissor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k4nus/whats_a_lesbian_drug_dealers_favorite_game/
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What kind of shoes do paedophiles wear?

White vans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k4nhn/what_kind_of_shoes_do_paedophiles_wear/
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The military man survived mustard gas and pepper spray

He's a seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k4iqq/the_military_man_survived_mustard_gas_and_pepper/
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how did the redneck find his sister in the woods?

attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k4flj/how_did_the_redneck_find_his_sister_in_the_woods/
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on a pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, “that's once.”
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, “That's twice.”
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.
I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, “That's once.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k49o4/a_couple_was_celebrating_their_golden_wedding/
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Obesity is no laughing matter.

Because laughing burns calories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k48iv/obesity_is_no_laughing_matter/
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Kid says, "Mommy, mommy! Can I lick the bowl?"

Mommy says, "shut up and just flush it like everyone else".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k446d/kid_says_mommy_mommy_can_i_lick_the_bowl/
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What do you call a cat with OCD?

Purrrfectionist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k42fb/what_do_you_call_a_cat_with_ocd/
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Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k41s0/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
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Harassment at work

Girl from my cubicle told me she was having trouble with harassment.
I told her I couldn't help her because I've never even heard it talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k412q/harassment_at_work/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre  :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k3y8j/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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I'm done buying trash bags...

I always just end up throwing them away anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k3xe9/im_done_buying_trash_bags/
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UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A

Contra diction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k3we6/up_up_down_down_left_right_left_right_b_a/
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I like my women like I like my wings

Bone-in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k3tem/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_wings/
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A man's wife suffers from a drinking problem...

One night, a bored bartender looks down the bar to see a depressed-looking man against the wall, nursing his drink. His face is so downcast that his face practically droops into his glass.
The bartender walks up to him and asks if he would like a refill. The man looks up, and accepts. As the bartender refills his drink, he leans over on the counter and asks the man why he looks so depressed, to which he replies;
*"My wife suffers from a drinking problem."*
*"I'm sorry to hear that,"* the bartender answers, taking notice of the irony of the situation. *"Is she an alcoholic?"* he asks.
The man is silent for a long time. Finally, he picks up his glass and drains the whole thing in one take. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, *“No. I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k3lto/a_mans_wife_suffers_from_a_drinking_problem/
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So I was at the Red Cross...

Shopping for a stretcher. The assistant asked if I'd like try it out before I bought it. I thought "Nah, I don't wanna get carried away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k3liw/so_i_was_at_the_red_cross/
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I had a frozen apple for breakfast today.

Hardcore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k3j59/i_had_a_frozen_apple_for_breakfast_today/
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Did you know that the singer Olly Murs has a sister who is a scientist?

Her name is Polly Murs.
I'll show myself out........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k3ilo/did_you_know_that_the_singer_olly_murs_has_a/
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Man Request Prayer In Church

Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"
A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"
The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"
So the church prays fervently over the man, afterwords the preacher says "Is your hearing any better son?"
The guy says I won't know until next Tuesday that is when I go to court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k3hzw/man_request_prayer_in_church/
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You know what really grinds my gears?

Teaching someone how to drive stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k3h36/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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I met Spider-Man in college

He was in Web development.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k3fgd/i_met_spiderman_in_college/
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I wonder how many calories my wife burns

Jumping to conclusions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k3dce/i_wonder_how_many_calories_my_wife_burns/
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Where do they store surplus belly buttons?

The naval reserve.
^^^I'm ^^^so ^^^sorry...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k3cdn/where_do_they_store_surplus_belly_buttons/
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Next time someone asks you if you have found Jesus:

"Have you found Jesus?"
"Damnit, did you guys lose him again? Seriously, start using bigger nails."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k38y9/next_time_someone_asks_you_if_you_have_found_jesus/
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There's nothing wrong with having two dads...

...except you have to deal with twice the amount of dad jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k387p/theres_nothing_wrong_with_having_two_dads/
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A man goes for a walk....

A man goes for a walk along the beach after a bad divorce with his wife. During his walk he finds an old lamp in the sand. Upon further examining it, a genie comes out and tells him he will grant three wishes, but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double.
The man quickly uses his first wish for a brand new Ferrari, but his ex-wife got two new Ferraris as well.
The man, just as quickly, uses his second wish for one million dollars, but his ex-wife got two million dollars.
The man now takes his time for his third wish, the genie can tell he is really thinking about it. The man finally decides on his third wish and says "Beat me half to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k3863/a_man_goes_for_a_walk/
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A Scotsman Moves to London

A young man from the Highlands moved to the big city to seek his fortune. After settling in for a couple of weeks, his mum calls him to check in.
"How do ye like the city so far, son?" She asked him.
"Ma, it's just the most wonderful place in the world. So much to see and do. But my neighbours are curious folks. The bloke in the flat next door just pounds on the walls all hours of the night. And the woman in the the other flat wails and screams through the night, yelling 'Make it stop!'"
"Oh dearie," his mum replied. "They sound rather strange. I hope you're alright at home though."
The young man responds "Aye, ma, I don't let it get me down when it happens. I just take a nip of me whisky and keep playing me bagpipes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k379b/a_scotsman_moves_to_london/
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A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“You missed the god damned putt, didn’t you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k33ml/a_nun_walks_into_the_mother_superiors_office_and/
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The cost of balloons has risen drastically over the past few years...

...Due to inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k30uo/the_cost_of_balloons_has_risen_drastically_over/
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How fast can a woman drive?

68 mph, because at 69 they flip over and blow a rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k30ph/how_fast_can_a_woman_drive/
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I bought a new vacuum cleaner.

The old one was just gathering dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k2zle/i_bought_a_new_vacuum_cleaner/
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My favorite joke of all time...

(I know this is a repost, and I don't care)
3 men get stranded on a desert island. After wandering around a while, they are found by some tribesmen. The natives take them back to their hut. The chief tells them, "Go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of fruit."
A short while later, the first guy returns with 10 apples, and the chief says "Now shove them all up your ass without showing any emotion, or we'll kill you." So the guy sets to work.
He shoves the the first up, and is in terrible pain, but shows no emotion, but during the process of pushing up the second, he flinches, and therefore gets shot.
Pretty soon, the second guy comes back with 10 cherries, and gets told to do the same.
He's finding it relatively easy, but when he gets to the eighth, starts laughing hysterically, and gets shot.
He meets up with the first guy in heaven, and the first guy asks, "Why did you do that? You were almost there, why did you laugh?" and the second guy replies,
"Well I nearly finished when I saw the third guy walking up with pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k2v5t/my_favorite_joke_of_all_time/
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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender notices this guy and can't help but admire his incredible physique and incredible chiseled body. The guy sits down and orders a drink, now up and close the barkeep realizes how proportionally weird his head is compared to the rest of his body. "Can I ask you something" the bartender says. "Why is your head so small compared to your amazing body" "well" says the man "a couple of months ago, I was walking through a forest. Skinny as a skeleton. No meat on me at all. I found a lamp and rubbed it and what would you know?! A beautiful genie pops up who says I get 3 wishes" the whole bar now listening amazed "I firstly asked for a body of a god nothing short of Arnold Schwarzenegger, BOOM I ripped out of my clothes with huge muscles looking like Hercules. Secondly...I look at this beautiful genie..I want to make love to you I said. BOOM me and this beautiful genie are making passionate steamy love on the grass. Puffing and panting we lie there" "WELL?!" Says the keep "what happened next?" The man looks down at his drink before managing to say: "well...well I took another look at her, naked and gorgeous, I couldn't help myself. I asked for a little head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k2ur0/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Always play Jenga with a girl on the first date...

...That way she knows your pullout game is strong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k2rpv/always_play_jenga_with_a_girl_on_the_first_date/
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A woman finds out her husband his cheating on her

, so when the man comes home, she immediately started insulting him and throwing his belongings at him, saying she doesn’t want to see him anymore and shouting at him to leave. As the husband is walking out the door, she turns to him and says “I hope you die slowly and painfully.” The husband replies “Oh so now you want me to stay!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k2na9/a_woman_finds_out_her_husband_his_cheating_on_her/
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Some say members of ISIS fuck kids...

...But they actually let the goats grow up first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k2kzr/some_say_members_of_isis_fuck_kids/
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A priest and a rabbi walk by a burning school.

The priest asks "should we help the kids"?  The rabbi says "no, fuck the kids".   The priest says "do you think we'll have time"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k2je9/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_walk_by_a_burning_school/
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"Anything you say can and will be held against you"

Me: "titties"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k2g1x/anything_you_say_can_and_will_be_held_against_you/
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What the difference between playing a piano and dropping a piano?

One sounds like Thelonius Monk, and the other sounds like a melodious "thunk!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k2ewt/what_the_difference_between_playing_a_piano_and/
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Why did the hipster drown?

Because he went ice skating before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k2c2i/why_did_the_hipster_drown/
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Your mom is like a bag of chips...

Frito Lay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k2bmq/your_mom_is_like_a_bag_of_chips/
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If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill.

But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k28jk/if_you_hear_a_supernatural_voice_in_your_head/
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Women are the victim of so many double standards...

If a man fucks a lot of women, he's celebrated and called a stud and player. But if a woman fucks a lot of men, she's called your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k28e7/women_are_the_victim_of_so_many_double_standards/
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My friends and I just started a music group.

We're calling the band "Grandpa's Life Support." That way, if we ever have an acoustic album, it'll be called "Grandpa's Life Support: Unplugged."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k26tu/my_friends_and_i_just_started_a_music_group/
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Someone is stabbed twice a day in my city

Nobody helps the poor guy .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k25re/someone_is_stabbed_twice_a_day_in_my_city/
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A small geographical difference

An elderly man walks in to the famous restaurant Lucas Carton in Paris with his girlfriend. He orders a bottle of Rothschild Mouton 1928.
The waiter returns with a full bottle of wine and fill up a small amount in a glass for tasting.
The man barely smells the wine before putting the glass down and stating: "This is not a 1928 Mouton!"
Soon, almost 20 people are standing around the table. This includes the chef and the restaurants owner. Every single one is trying to convince the old man that it is, in fact, a 1928 Mouton. The waiter then asks: "How can you be so sure this *isn't* a 1928 Mouton?"
The elderly man then states: "My name is Phillip de Rothschild, and I produce this wine!"
The waiter then admits that the wine actually is a Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear the thought of us parting with the last bottle of Mouton 1928. You know, Clerc Milon is produced in the exact same village, with the exact same grapes, the same type of baskets and aged in the exact same barrels. The wines are *exactly* the same, the only difference is that the vineyards are on the other side of the village."
Rotschild turns to the waiter and says: "When you get home tonight, ask your wife to undress, and put one finger in each hole. Pull them out, and smell them. You'll then understand the importance of a small geographical difference."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k24bg/a_small_geographical_difference/
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In my spare time I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k23lb/in_my_spare_time_i_help_blind_children/
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To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket,

You can hide, but you can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k23fg/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
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A women tells her husband

"Isn't it nice that my wedding dress still fits me when none of my friends can wear theirs?"
To which the husband replies "Yeah, but you forget honey, you were 9 months pregnant then too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k1v6k/a_women_tells_her_husband/
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A man is jacking off on a plane

There are no other people in his row as the plane is relatively empty. So he's been going at it for a couple of minutes now, but suddenly an air hostess catches him red handed.
"Sir! This is not appropriate behaviour! Please stop this act immediately!"
"No way woman! I'm right about to ejaculate on this plane and you can't stop me!"
Distressed, the hostess walks into the Captain's cabin and says,
"Sir! We have a high jacker, and he's about to shoot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k1l3l/a_man_is_jacking_off_on_a_plane/
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As a guitarist, I play many gigs. But for the first time in my career, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone, the hearse nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept; we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k1if6/as_a_guitarist_i_play_many_gigs_but_for_the_first/
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All sandwiches are retarded...

...because they are inbred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k1h6x/all_sandwiches_are_retarded/
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I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff.

My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k1h3b/i_mowed_the_lawn_with_my_shirt_off_and_now_my/
%
"Imagine the class is naked!"

Didn't work, now I'm nervous and I have a boner.
Being the teacher doesn't make it any better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k1ewv/imagine_the_class_is_naked/
%
[nsfw] What do you call it when a leprechaun gives you a handjob?

A stroke of luck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k1dbf/nsfw_what_do_you_call_it_when_a_leprechaun_gives/
%
A woman has to go to a conference in Italy, so her husband drives her.

"Thanks honey" she says, "what would you like me to bring you back?"
"Oh, um, an Italian girl!" The husband jokingly says.
"I'll see what I can do" the woman says as she walks into the airport waving goodbye.
3 days later the woman returns and her husband greets her at the airport.
"How was your trip? Did you remember to bring my gift?"
"What gift?"
"The Italian girl!"
"Oh, we'll have to wait 9 months to see if it's a boy or girl"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k19yr/a_woman_has_to_go_to_a_conference_in_italy_so_her/
%
Chemistry joke.

A Chinese chemist took part in a chef competition in UK. His English was barely passable during the presentations, but his cooking skills were great, and he went on qualifying. In the last round, he got tied with another contestant for the first place. So an innovative tie-breaker was devised. Each of them was given a random substance from the shelf which they had to identify and come up with a story within a minute, that involved the substance in the punchline.
The Chinese guy was given baking soda, which he did identify, but didn't know what it was called in English. He thought for a while and went,
"Once upon a time, one big company. It have district manager and regional manager. Both get car from company. One day, RM car DM car crash on road. RM car break front bonnet. Fault of RM. But RM angry boss and ask for replacement, or DM lose job.
....
So DM buy car bonnet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k17tx/chemistry_joke/
%
What is E.T. short for?

Because he's had a long day and he's sick of your shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k13ws/what_is_et_short_for/
%
Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks

Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k0v82/arguing_with_strangers_online_is_like_wrestling/
%
Never buy flowers from a monk

Remember: Only you can prevent florist friars!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k0lz0/never_buy_flowers_from_a_monk/
%
A woman takes her husband's fishing boat out...

One morning a husband returns from several hours of fishing out on the lake and decides to take a nap. Although not really familiar with the lake, his wife takes the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor, and proceeds to read her book.
A short time later a game warden comes alongside in his boat. He pulls up and asks the woman what she was doing. The woman, dumbfounded, looks down at her book and tells him that she is reading.
'You're in a restricted fishing area', he informs her.
'Well I'm not fishing', she replies.
'Yes but upon looking in your boat I can see that you have all the equipment available and you could start at any moment. I'm going to have to take you in and write you up', the warden explains.
'Well then, I'm going to have to claim that you sexually harassed me then', she answers back.
'But I haven't touched you', the warden responds.
'That's true,' says the woman, 'but you have all of the equipment necessary and for all I know, you could start at any moment'.
The game warden drops his head and bids the woman a nice day as he pulls away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k0ltv/a_woman_takes_her_husbands_fishing_boat_out/
%
What does gay mean?

asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.
"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k0ktu/what_does_gay_mean/
%
You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k0fuo/you_know_theres_no_official_training_for_garbage/
%
I always thought the brain was the most important organ...

... then I realized what organ was telling me that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k0ebe/i_always_thought_the_brain_was_the_most_important/
%
Can?

Doctor: Make sure when you address me, you say 'can' first.
Patient: Can sir?
Doctor: Lmao got em. You have cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k0dq4/can/
%
Blonde girl was staring at a bottle of juice...

Because the label said "concentrate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k0cn6/blonde_girl_was_staring_at_a_bottle_of_juice/
%
There's a penguin riding his snow mobile through the Antarctic. I

It starts to sputter and he decides to pull into a mechanic to get the snow mobile looked at. The mechanic comes out and after having a quick look over says he will need an hour to fix it. The penguin asks where he can wait nearby and the mechanic tells him that there is an ice cream parlor next door. The penguins heads over for his favourite vanilla ice cream. The penguin is enjoying the ice cream so much he doesn't realize he is making such a mess. Ice cream all over his front and all over his face. He finishes his ice cream and heads back to the mechanic. He sees the mechanic out the front and asks if knows what's wrong with the snowmobile. The mechanic turns around and says it looks like you've blown a seal. The penguin says oh no, it's just ice cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k0bfc/theres_a_penguin_riding_his_snow_mobile_through/
%
You know, I have a neat step ladder

But its too bad I never got to know my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k0ao2/you_know_i_have_a_neat_step_ladder/
%
Husband and wife get into bed for sleeping

And the husband turns to wife and starts making out.
Wife says "don't start now, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow morning so I need to keep it clean".
Husband disappointed, rolls around and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes, he rolls back and asks "do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k05ob/husband_and_wife_get_into_bed_for_sleeping/
%
Artists cover their mistakes with paint, chefs cover their mistakes with sauce. How do doctors cover their mistakes?

With dirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k04av/artists_cover_their_mistakes_with_paint_chefs/
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While visiting England, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen...

... He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Sadiq Khan and says, "Mr. Mayor. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Sadiq Khan responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Trump?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Bob Corker to the White House and says, "I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Corker hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Trump agrees, and Corker leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Corker calls Rex W. Tillerson at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Rex, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Rex answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."
Much relieved, Corker rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Rex W. Tillerson!" And Trump replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Sadiq Khan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k040i/while_visiting_england_donald_trump_is_invited_to/
%
At any given moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away.

A whim away. A whim away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6k0004/at_any_given_moment_the_urge_to_sing_the_lion/
%
What do you call a truck full of animals?

Isuzu!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jzyej/what_do_you_call_a_truck_full_of_animals/
%
What do you call a black guy with Parkinson's?

A chocolate shake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jzpat/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_with_parkinsons/
%
Big Ass Lill..

I’ve got a story to tell, sad but true
a whore I once knew.
Big Ass Lill, the village queen,
roughest whore I’d ever seen.
--------------
Now some whores fcuk in the midnight breeze,
others fcuk with galiant ease.
Big Ass Lill, she fcuks for keeps,
pileing her victims up in heaps.
-------------------------
Way up north where the twin pines meet
there lived a half-breed named Yucon Pete.
There was something special about ‘Ol Pete,
he had 15 pounds of swinging meat.
------------------------------
When he lay upon the bar,
the whores would gather from near and far.
When he cought wind of Big Ass Lill
he packed his rubbers and headed over the hill.
----------------------------------
The scene was to take place on top of a hill
in an outhouse owned by Big Ass Lill.
They fcuked and they fcuked, they fcuked for hours,
man they tore up trees, shrubs and flowers.
---------------------------------
Finally old Lill gave a whore house squeeze
and brought that half-breed to his knees.
Pete anwsered with a half-breed grunt,
broke her ass and split her c*nt.
-----------------------------------
Her panties now hang from the bar room wall
in honor of her galiant fall.
I’m going on home now said Yucon Pete
I’m going on home to beat my meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jzolg/big_ass_lill/
%
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though the wife thinks it's weird....

I don't see why, I think it makes a great hat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jzl6y/i_like_to_sleep_with_the_bedside_lamp_on_even/
%
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do, but I used to too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jzg3z/i_used_to_steal_mitch_hedberg_jokes/
%
I once fired a cannon off a cliff

Looking back, using a cannonball would probably have been better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jzf8c/i_once_fired_a_cannon_off_a_cliff/
%
A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives.

They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.
"Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:
"You are not. Take the rock lying next to your foot and bash the chieftain's skull in."
The man, thankful that the spirits of the jungle stand on his side, listens to the instructions, grabs the rock and throws it at the chieftain, killing him instantly.
"*Now* you're fucked," says the mysterious voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jzads/a_man_was_crossing_the_jungle_when_he_got/
%
Those brother/sister pornos are fucking weird.

Never once have I called my siblings 'bro' or 'sis' while we're having sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jz5uq/those_brothersister_pornos_are_fucking_weird/
%
I know she ate a worm

but we are not here to debate de bait deb ate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jz5h8/i_know_she_ate_a_worm/
%
I've never shot a gun

because that would be a weird target

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jz516/ive_never_shot_a_gun/
%
What do you call a mouse wearing spectacles?

.
.
.
.
An optical mouse.
Tada!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jz3d4/what_do_you_call_a_mouse_wearing_spectacles/
%
Papa shark is teaching baby shark how to eat humans

"First you sneak up underneath, slowly make your way closer, you want to circle around the human about 3 or 4 times... and then BAAAAAAMMM"
Baby shark replies " but papa, why do I have to swim around him that many times, why can't I just swim right at him?"
Papa shark says "first you need to scare the shit out of him, trust me you don't want that aftertaste in your mouth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jz05f/papa_shark_is_teaching_baby_shark_how_to_eat/
%
A tourist group

is lead over a mountain path.
One of the tourists gets extremely nervous and says to their native guide:
"You really could have put a handrail on the side"
The guide answers:
"There was a handrail, but it became too expensive, the tourists always took it down with them when they fell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jyyyd/a_tourist_group/
%
What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?

A Labracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jyyle/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_can_do_magic_tricks/
%
Blonde Near Death Experience

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jyvjx/blonde_near_death_experience/
%
A Jewish man and a Vietnamese man waiting in the doctor's office.

A Vietnamese man and a Jewish man are waiting in the Doctor’s office for an appointment and as the time goes on they become more and more irritated until finally the Jewish man says, “I hate you Vietnamese people!”.
Shocked, the Vietnamese man says, “What in the world would compel you to say something like that? Why do you hate Vietnamese people?”
To which the Jewish man replies, “Because you bombed Pearl Harbor!”
The Vietnamese man goes, “You idiot! That wasn’t the Vietnamese, that was the Japanese!”
To which the Jewish man shrugs and says, “Vietnamese, Japanese, what’s the difference?”
Stunned, the Vietnamese man says, “Yeah, well I hate all you Jewish people!”
To which the Jewish man replies in great indignation, “That’s anti-Semitic! Why would you hate all Jewish people?”
And the Vietnamese man says, “Because you sank the Titanic!”
“You idiot,” bawls the Jewish man, “That was an iceberg!”
To which the Vietnamese man replies,
“Iceberg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jyu5l/a_jewish_man_and_a_vietnamese_man_waiting_in_the/
%
What do you call a sunburned librarian?

Well red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jytww/what_do_you_call_a_sunburned_librarian/
%
How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jyshx/how_do_you_make_a_tissue_dance/
%
A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might

The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jys7e/a_plane_flies_straight_toward_a_mountain_as_pilot/
%
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet..

... I don't know why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jyp5s/i_only_know_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
John and Mary are having in an argument.

John and Mary are in the middle of an argument as to whether or not it'll rain later that day. Two hours of bickering and John suggests they go ask their Russian neighbour, Rudolf.
Rudolf listens to their story and replies that it'll definitely rain by 6 pm that evening. Lo and behold! Dot at 6, the first drops of rain patter across the window. Mary is amazed and asks John how he knew to ask their neighbour and how in the world was he so accurate?
"Well", said John, "Rudolf, the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jynoe/john_and_mary_are_having_in_an_argument/
%
2 gay dudes are in the house fucking when suddenly the house catches fire. Which one gets out first?

The one on bottom...his shits already packed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jyhpk/2_gay_dudes_are_in_the_house_fucking_when/
%
Wind turbines...

I'm a big fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jyftj/wind_turbines/
%
What's the difference between a philosophy major and a picnic table?

A picnic table can support a family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jycsv/whats_the_difference_between_a_philosophy_major/
%
(NSFW) The three Chinese tortures

A young man is lost, hungry and wandering around China.  As he is wandering, he happens to find this old mansion on top of a cliff. He walks up to the door and rings the bell and an old man answers. The young man asks the older gentleman if he can have some food and spend the night. The old man agrees and let's the younger guy in.
He brings the guy to the dining room and tells the guy to sit down.  After taking for a little bit, this beautiful woman enters the room.  She is the most beautiful woman that the younger guy has ever seen. The old man introduces them, they chat for a bit while eating, and then the woman leaves. Then the old man looks at the other guy and says that there is only one rule that the guy must follow while in his house. The guy is not allowed to touch his daughter.
Later that evening, while up in his room, the young guy hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and the old mans daughter is standing there in her night gown. She invites herself in and. The guy is thinking to himself that the old guy will never find out.  So they crawl into his bed and do the dirty.
The next morning, the man wakes up and feels something heavy on his chest. He opens his eyes and sees a large rock sitting there with a note on it. He reads the note which say"Chinese torture number 1 - rock on chest". So the guy rolls the rock off of his chest, picks it up and carries it to the balcony and throws it over the edge of the cliff. He then turns around to walk back into the room and sees another note on the door. This note says "Chinese torture number 2 - rock tied to left testicle". So the man, still groggy, looks down and sees a string rapidly stretching out.  With nothing to cut it with, he rushes to the balcony, notices a third note, grabs it and jumps over the railing. And he is falling, he opens the note and it says "Chinese torture number 3 - right testicle tied to bedpost"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jyarh/nsfw_the_three_chinese_tortures/
%
Younger son: Dad, whats the difference between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'?

Son: Dad,whats the difference between  'hypothetically' & 'reality'?
Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million?
Wife: Of course! I would never waste such  an opportunity.
Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep Tom Cruise for 1 Million?
Daughter: Yes he's my fantasy.
Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million?
Son: Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money!
Father turns to his younger son: You see son, 'hypothetically' we're sitting with 3  millionares, but in 'reality', we are living with 2 prostitutes & 1 gay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jy7e1/younger_son_dad_whats_the_difference_between/
%
Why are colleges starting to teach quantum computing?

When professors try to explain binary states, the students tell them to go educate themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jy56h/why_are_colleges_starting_to_teach_quantum/
%
Helen keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jy553/helen_keller_once_described_a_cheese_grater_as/
%
A man was admitted to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach

His condition is now stable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jy48t/a_man_was_admitted_to_the_hospital_with_eight/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

'Cause they don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jy3nv/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
What do you get by crossing a baby with a puppy?

Jail time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jy3i9/what_do_you_get_by_crossing_a_baby_with_a_puppy/
%
Why programmers like unix?

unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jy2i1/why_programmers_like_unix/
%
Three men are flying in a helicopter over China: an American, a Chinese man, and a Japanese man.

The American loves China, so he throws a gold disk down to the surface. The Chinese man also loves China, but is not quite as well off, so he throws a silver disk. The Japanese man hates China, so he throws out a live hand grenade.
The three men land and head into town. The American sees a little girl crying and asks, "little girl, little girl, why are you crying?"
She replies throughout tears, "A golden disk fell from the sky and hit my Mommy in the head!" The American nervously walks away.
The Chinese man also sees a little girl crying. He asks her, "little girl, little girl, why are you crying?"
She replies, "A silver disk fell from the sky and hit my Mommy in the head!" The Chinese man also walks away nervously.
The Japanese man sees a little boy laughing. He asks him, "little boy, little boy, why are you laughing?"
"My Daddy farted and the house blew up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jy17c/three_men_are_flying_in_a_helicopter_over_china/
%
What kind of math was Jesus the best at?

Cross multiplication

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jy121/what_kind_of_math_was_jesus_the_best_at/
%
For those who struggle with fractions:

6/5=Improper fraction,
5/5=Whole number,
4/5=Proper fraction,
3/5=Racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jxzwf/for_those_who_struggle_with_fractions/
%
A dangerous parasite walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."
The parasite replies, "Well, you're not a very good **host**."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jxzpr/a_dangerous_parasite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
-Dad,why is my sister named Teresa?

+Because your mother loves easter.Teresa is an anagram for Easter.
-Thanks Dad
+No problem,Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jxxoi/dadwhy_is_my_sister_named_teresa/
%
How do you milk a sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jxx3b/how_do_you_milk_a_sheep/
%
What do my ex wife and the economy have in common?

Inflation over time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jxvly/what_do_my_ex_wife_and_the_economy_have_in_common/
%
I always wanted to be a teacher...

That way I could legally give students the D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jxvic/i_always_wanted_to_be_a_teacher/
%
Why do Jews have large noses?

Because Air Is Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jxvg4/why_do_jews_have_large_noses/
%
To the software thieves who robbed me last night.

Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you.  You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jxriy/to_the_software_thieves_who_robbed_me_last_night/
%
Guy walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender fetches it for him and says "that'll be 10 cents"
The guy can't believe it. "10 cents? Is there some happy hour on or something?"
"No"
The guy sits there in disbelief. Just then a couple comes over from the corner and go to settle their tab.
"Okay so you both had burgers and fries, chicken wing entree, four beers and two glasses of wine... that'll be 40 cents"
The couple pay, thank the bartender and leave. But the guy can't fathom what he just heard. 40 cents?! He then waves at the bartender and asks
"Okay then, how much for that bottle of Cristal Champagne?"
"25 cents"
"25 cents?!? That can't be right... Where's your manager?"
"Oh. He's out with my wife"
"What?! What the hell is he doing with your wife?"
"Same thing I'm doing to his business"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jxq8k/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Sex makes my day

But anal makes me wish that I wasn't an alter boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jxlrn/sex_makes_my_day/
%
Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jxhop/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
What's the difference between jam and jelly?

Haha woosh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jxhik/whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_jelly/
%
During 1900 when looking for a vote, Churchill asked a person for his support, to which the man responded:

"Vote for you? I’d rather vote for the devil."
Churchill replied: "I quite understand, but since that man is not running this time, could I count on your support?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jxas3/during_1900_when_looking_for_a_vote_churchill/
%
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?

"Where on Earth have you been?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jx9ok/what_did_ets_mother_say_to_him_when_he_got_home/
%
What happens when a frog's car breaks down?

It gets toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jx76x/what_happens_when_a_frogs_car_breaks_down/
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Sinking Boat

There's a boat sinking out at sea with men, women and children on it, along with a minister, a rabbi, and a priest.
The minister said, "Oh my god, will somebody think of the children."
The rabbi said, "fuck the children."
The priest said, "Do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jx3le/sinking_boat/
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Wife: "I'm fat, old and ugly, what am I?"

Husband: "Right"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jx166/wife_im_fat_old_and_ugly_what_am_i/
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An Australian nudist was walking along a beach

When he heard three kids coming his way he quickly climbed up in a banana tree and hid. Then he saw the kids, three girls no more than 11 years old. It looked as if they were going to walk right by when suddenly the girls stopped right by the tree and looked at the bananas.
The Australian started to get nervous they would see him when the first girl reached for a banan and said "This one is mine!"
Then the second girl also reached for a banana and said "Well this one is mine!"
Then the last girl reached for a banana as well  and said the same thing when the man yelled "Fuck off cunt, that one's mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwzi7/an_australian_nudist_was_walking_along_a_beach/
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The Generic Ethnic Joke

A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms.  The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group.  The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!
***********************************************************************
Q:  How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity?
A:  A finite positive integer.  One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!
***********************************************************************
(Saved from February 3, 1989 off RIT's VAX NOTES, posted by Mark Hayes at the time.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwxlk/the_generic_ethnic_joke/
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Luke: are we going the right way Yoda?

Yoda: Of course we are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwxib/luke_are_we_going_the_right_way_yoda/
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Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwvzd/can_you_call_the_british_pm_a_fool/
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What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwtze/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard.

This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending an email with the phrase "Regards" again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwty9/the_letters_t_and_g_are_very_close_to_each_other/
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In an old folks home, Gladys notices that Arthur's been looking down lately

She walks over and asks him what's wrong. Arthur tells her "Lately I've been feeling especially lonely at night. Before she passed away, my wife would sleep next to me and hold my willy to help me feel safe and loved".
Gladys thinks about it and decides that there's no harm in offering to sleep next to Arthur and hold his willy. Over the next few weeks, Arthur would come and sleep in Gladys' room. Everything is going great and Gladys finds that she feels less lonely too.
However, Arthur stops coming after some time. Gladys asks around and finds out that he's been spending the nights with Gertrude lately.
Feeling quite betrayed, she confronts Arthur and demands an explanation.
Gladys: I don't understand Arthur, is it because she's younger than me?
Arthur: No actually, I'm pretty sure she's older
Gladys: Well is she more interesting?
Arthur: No actually she's quite senile and doesn't remember much
Gladys: Then I just don't understand! What does Gertrude have that I don't!?
Arthur: Parkinsons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwo3x/in_an_old_folks_home_gladys_notices_that_arthurs/
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What was Poe's Gothic story about a collapsing plumber's residence?

The Fall of the House of Flusher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwmu1/what_was_poes_gothic_story_about_a_collapsing/
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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwl44/a_professor_a_ceo_and_a_janitor_are_in_a_forest/
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There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.
They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.
They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"
"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwkxl/there_were_three_pows_together_in_a_british/
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What's the new Russian self-operating OS?

Skyniet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwjyq/whats_the_new_russian_selfoperating_os/
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When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee..

..That's a moray..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwj5j/when_youre_down_by_the_sea_and_an_eel_bites_your/
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I should have known my friend was a communist.

All the red flags were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwhxo/i_should_have_known_my_friend_was_a_communist/
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I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers.....

We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said ‘it’s WALES you idiot!!!’
So I immediately said ‘Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jweqo/i_was_at_the_bar_the_other_night_with_my_buddy/
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The other day I told my friend 10 jokes about binary

Unfortunately he didn't get either of them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwdqr/the_other_day_i_told_my_friend_10_jokes_about/
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Two men are enjoying a nice Saturday afternoon of golf.

After they finish the 12th hole, they see two women on the green of the 13th, putting the ball around with an apparent lack of skill. After watching the women fumble around for about 10 minutes, one of the men says, "I'm going to ask them if we can play through." He starts walking towards them, but stops about halfway and comes running back. Out of breathe, and slightly manic, he says, "Holy crap! I can't go over there! One of the women is my wife, and the other is my mistress!" The second man says, "Fine, I'll go ask." He begins walking towards them, but he also stops about halfway and comes running back. He looks at the first man and simply says, "Small world."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwd5o/two_men_are_enjoying_a_nice_saturday_afternoon_of/
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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a dinner menu.

The bartender hands him a dart. Puzzled, the guy asks the bartender why he gave him a dart instead of a menu.
The bartender points up to the ceiling and says "I'll make you a bet. Do you see those two ribeye steaks above you? If you can throw the dart up and make it stick to one of them, I'll give you all the drinks you want tonight and both steaks for free. If not then you have to buy a round of drinks for everyone.. What'll it be?"
After a few seconds of thinking, the guy hands the bartender back the dart and says "Nah, the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwb6x/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender_for/
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I'm pretty sure I was a rooster in my past life...

Cause any Cock-or-Dude-ill-dooooooo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jwaay/im_pretty_sure_i_was_a_rooster_in_my_past_life/
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What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone: *wing wing* "halo?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jw9p2/what_has_two_wings_and_a_halo/
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Little Johnny's class assignment

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"
Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jw864/little_johnnys_class_assignment/
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I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Wonder Woman.

She said "I'm on my period and Wonder Woman is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jw6qa/i_told_my_girlfriend_we_can_either_have_sex_or_go/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's okay, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jw619/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
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Kegels are a good exercise

they make you stronger as a hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jw50d/kegels_are_a_good_exercise/
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The vet's office

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jw4me/the_vets_office/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jw0aq/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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TIL Australians don't have sex

They mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jw065/til_australians_dont_have_sex/
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Love is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jvub7/love_is_like_a_fart/
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What should Link do if Zelda says no?

Triforce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jvtiv/what_should_link_do_if_zelda_says_no/
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What does caillou smell like?

Chemotherapy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jvsbz/what_does_caillou_smell_like/
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I'm going to eat a bunch of popcorn kernels right before I die.

My cremations gonna be poppin'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jvnuu/im_going_to_eat_a_bunch_of_popcorn_kernels_right/
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If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've ever had...

Does money even matter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jvnjh/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_existential_crisis/
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Most people think I'm sick and twisted...

But I'm not! I have the heart of a little girl.
In a jar.
On my desk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jvn6j/most_people_think_im_sick_and_twisted/
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If Dorothy missed Kansas, what did Toto miss?

They missed the rains down in Africa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jvm0r/if_dorothy_missed_kansas_what_did_toto_miss/
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This kid walked up to me and called me gay..

I couldn't believe it. I wanted to punch this kid directly in the mouth. With my lips. Softly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jvlj2/this_kid_walked_up_to_me_and_called_me_gay/
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Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.
As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.
Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to ask what's wrong.
"Excuse me, Son? Why are you crying?" He asks gently.
The boy wipes away his tears and replies, "Oh, there's just a lot of things going wrong in my life right now. I'm sorry if I bothered you."
Mr. Smith takes note of the boy's politeness, "Is there anything I can do to help? Why don't you tell me what's going on..."
With that the boy breaks down and sobs.
He starts going on and on about his troubles.
His mother is dying of cancer and can't work.
They can't afford the medicine to manage her symptoms.
They haven't eaten in days.
Not even an hour ago the boy had been caught dumpster diving behind a restaurant for food and was caned by the owner.
He tried to go home to his mother but when he got there he saw an eviction notice on the door and he just couldn't bring himself to go inside and give her the news.
Everything was just falling apart and he couldn't take it.
"So I came here and just cried," he finished.
Mr. Smith was shocked.
Of all the people he could have encountered he encountered this boy.
He could solve this boy's problems with a single check.
But Mr. Smith was a firm believer in earning what you got no matter what it was.
As the boy continued to cry, Mr. Smith looked out to the water...
"Son," Mr. Smith began, "What's your name?"
"My name is Johnny." The boy said.
"Johnny, you see that ship out there," he said gesturing to a ship about a mile out from the dock, "I'll make you a deal. If you can swim out to that ship, climb up the mast and wave to me I will write you a check for one million dollars."
Johnny was awestruck. "You really mean it?"
"Absolutely." Mr. Smith confirmed.
Johnny dove into the water without a word and swam like a madman.
Mr. Smith watched with a smile on his face but his smile faded when Johnny turned around and came back.
When Johnny reached the dock he explained he got too tired too quickly and knew he wouldn't make it.
"Well that's ok, Johnny. Tomorrow let's meet here, same time, and you can try again."
The next day they met and Johnny tried but once again he got fatigued and had to turn back.
Mr. Smith asked him if he'd eaten anything and Johnny told him he hadn't.
With that, Mr. Smith gave him some money for a small meal and told him tomorrow was his last day in town so if he was going to succeed it had to be then.
The next day Mr. Smith arrived and Johnny was waiting at the dock with a smile on his face. "You all fed and ready?" Mr. Smith asked.
"Yes, Sir" said Johnny.
And Johnny dove into the water.
This time he was swimming a bit slower.
He seemed to be pacing himself.
Mr. Smith watched Johnny get further and further and his smile grew and grew.
What a perfect end to a perfect trip.
He was going to make a difference in this boy's life.
Johnny made it to the ship.
Mr. Smith watched him climb up the mast.
Johnny held on with one hand and reached the other out and started to wave victoriously but suddenly he lost his grip!
Johnny slipped and fell from the top of the mast all the way down to the ship below with a loud thud that echoed in the distance...
But Johnny was ok, know why?
...
...
...
...
...
He was used to hardships...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jvhl7/mr_smith_a_very_wealthy_man/
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So a baseball rolls into a bar.

The bartender looks at him and says "You must be here for a pitcher!"
[Edit] I'm pretty sure I made this joke up y'all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jvdhl/so_a_baseball_rolls_into_a_bar/
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What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jvaja/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
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What did the O tell the Q?

Dude, put on some pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jv86h/what_did_the_o_tell_the_q/
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I Like To Have Sex When I'm Camping

It's in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jv7pp/i_like_to_have_sex_when_im_camping/
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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I'm in for a pretty wild December.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jux50/statistics_show_that_the_average_person_has_sex/
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Algebra walks into a bar...

Orders a drink and sits at the bar alone. The bartender sees him sending multiple texts while constantly looking at the door.
Finally the bartender asks, "looking for someone?"
Algebra responds, "yeah, I'm trying to find my x"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6juves/algebra_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man has had violent, uncontrollable diarrhoea for months...

After 3 months, he decides to go to the Doctor.
"I can't hold it." he explains. "Every time I try, it just builds up and I shit myself"
"Strange..." says the doctor. "Can you think of any possible causes? Badly prepared food? Poor hygiene?"
"Honestly doctor, I think it might be hereditary." He says.
"That's unlikely, something like Diarrhoea isn't hereditary, but makes you say that?"
"Well, it's in my Jeans".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6juv5d/a_man_has_had_violent_uncontrollable_diarrhoea/
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A young boy starts choking on some pennies

The boys dad runs to him and tries to help him cough them out. After unsuccessfully helping, he grabs his phone and calls the local doctor for help.
"Doctor, My son had swallowed some pennies, and he is choking on them, please come quickly before he gets hurt"
"Sorry sir, I'm currently out of town, but grab a pen and put this number down, 1-800-377-6971. They will be sure to get every last cent out of him"
"Is this the phone number for the hospital doctor?"
"No it's the income tax service hotline"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jut1x/a_young_boy_starts_choking_on_some_pennies/
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Stalin, Churchill, and Roosevelt are at the Yalta Conference.

Stalin sees that Churchill is constantly writing something in his notebook. Curious, he asks:
"Winston, what are you writing in that notebook?"
"Oh, that's where I write jokes about me. Whenever I hear a joke where I'm mentioned by my name, I write it down. I'm on my second notebook."
"You know, I collect jokes about myself too" says Stalin.
"And how many jokes do you have about yourself?" asks Churchill.
"About three prison camps' worth" replies Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jugom/stalin_churchill_and_roosevelt_are_at_the_yalta/
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This is my biggest pet peeve

He's an elephant, all my pets are named peeve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6juem9/this_is_my_biggest_pet_peeve/
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A blonde is pulled over for speeding

In honor of the recent front page blonde joke police joke:
A police officer pulls over a blonde for speeding. She rolls down her window, and he walks over, unzips his pants, and pulls out his penis. The blonde exclaims, "NOT ANOTHER BREATHALYZER TEST!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ju0b6/a_blonde_is_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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"I enjoy a joint every now and then"

"Usually a knee or an elbow" said the cannibal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jtz89/i_enjoy_a_joint_every_now_and_then/
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A cop pulls over a couple in a convertible for going way below the speed limit on a highway.

Cop: Are you aware that you were going 17 in a 60 zone?
Driver: No officer, the sign says 17 right there.
Cop: Sir, that's the route sign.
At this point the cop notices that the lady in the passenger seat is frozen in fear, staring forward, and her hair is a mess.
Cop: Sir, is your wife alright?
Driver: Oh, you see, we just got off of i87.
Joke is courtesy of my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jtytr/a_cop_pulls_over_a_couple_in_a_convertible_for/
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What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit's fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jtqv8/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
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Onion Snatch

One day, 2 women were at a cafe catching up.  One of them notices that the other isn't her normal self.
"What's wrong?"  Asks one of the women
"I'm feeling really stressed out"
"What's going on?"
"Well to be honest, I haven't had sex in a while"
"And why not?  You're definitely not bad looking"
"Well....I'm kind've ashamed to say." Says the stressed out friend
"Nonsense!" says the other friend "maybe I can help you out"
" Ok.....the reason i haven't had any in a while is because my pussy smells like a rotten onion and it's embarrassing when I see a guy get grossed out by the smell"
"Well that something I haven't heard before, but you know what?  Let me see what I can do then I'll get back to you"
A couple days later the friend calls the stinky pussy friend back all excited "Guess what?, I found the perfect guy for you to have sex with!"
"How?, why!?"
"It's a guy that has no sense of smell, so your stinky pussy is not a problem!"
"Awesome!!" Says the stinky pussy friend "set up the date"
A few days later the couple go out for a quick dinner and then head back to her place to handle business.  They're making out when the guy decides to go down on her.
All of a sudden he stops and says to her
"You're pussy smells like an onion!"
It startled the friend a bit "oh my god I though you didn't have a sense of smell how do you know?
"My eyes are watering like a motherfucker!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jtqpy/onion_snatch/
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I don't always tell Dad jokes

but when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jtjy6/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, they're efficient & not very funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jti89/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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There are 10 genders

Because gender is binary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jtfy1/there_are_10_genders/
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I was weaving dangerously in the middle of the road this morning…

I really should find a safer place to finish this wicker basket…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jtfky/i_was_weaving_dangerously_in_the_middle_of_the/
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A lawyer is walking down the stairs of his law firm.

This guy is dressed in an expensive suit, he's wearing shoes made from an extinct reptile and orphan tears, and He's walking to his brand new Lamborghini. Just as he opens the driver side door a truck comes speeding through and tears the door from its hinges. The lawyer visibly shocked and pissed yells " Fuck my new car", a passerby sees this and says "You lawyers are so materialistic, your arm was ripped off with the door and all you've noticed is your car". The lawyer notices his missing arm and yells "FUCK!!!my rolex"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jtcdq/a_lawyer_is_walking_down_the_stairs_of_his_law/
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jtbcv/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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Jesus loves you...

A wonderful thing to hear in church.
In a Mexican prison...not so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jt6xx/jesus_loves_you/
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A farmer buys a new cock

A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, the geese, and the lone parrot too.
That evening the farmer finds the cock lying out in the field, pale, half-dead, with vultures circling his head.
The farmer shouts, "you deserve that you horny bastard!"
The cock opens one eye slowly, points up, and replies "shhhh...don't shout, wait for them to land."
(Repost but I felt it needed to be told again)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jt5q7/a_farmer_buys_a_new_cock/
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There was this farmer...

There was this farmer. His passion in life was his machines, tractors being his favourite. He knew everything about tractors: the different makes and models, how to rebuild the engines and how to operate them all. He loved them so much he couldn't imagine a life without them. But one day he suffers a bad accident at work and his leg is broken in a tractor. This shakes the farmer up, and he gives up his passion for tractors out of fear.
So, one night at his friends house, the ex farmer is sitting in the living room when a fire erupts in the kitchen. Without pausing, the man runs in and sucks up all the smoke in one breath. Astounded, his friend asks him how he managed to do that. He replies "I'm an ex-tractor-fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jt26v/there_was_this_farmer/
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What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

A little "hoarse"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jt0o6/what_do_you_call_a_pony_with_a_sore_throat/
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What is the difference between 9/11 and a professional gardener?

One is an outside job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jszwi/what_is_the_difference_between_911_and_a/
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A deformed cat walks into a bar

The bartender says:
"What can I do for you?"
To which the cat immediately replies:
"I'll have a gla-..."
"..."
"..."
"-ss of your finest milk please!"
And so the bartender places the glass of milk onto the bar table.
To which the cat, from all the way of the other end of the bar table, scoops it up and pulls it over without getting up from his seat.
And the bartender says:
"So I gotta ask"
"Why the long paws?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jswqj/a_deformed_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
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So, there was a kid on a farm.

Who wanted more in life. His family has always been taking care of farm animals, but he wanted something more in life. So, he left the farm and went to the big city to study.
He still loved animals, so he was hoping to become a vet one day. Day in and day out he studied and studied as hard as he could, he got into a good vet school and studied even harder.
Finally, he reached the final exams, if he passed this exam, he would become a vet. He completed all the questions, except one:
"How do you perform an abortion on a cow?"
He kept thinking about that question for nearly 2 hours, but he couldn't awnser it, and was forced to give a blank paper.
He did not pass the test because of this one question.
The boy was disheartened and left the city to go back to the farm. His father was happy to see him approaching, but something was wrong.
The boy was looking terrible, he was sad, he was slouching and was looking disheartened.
"What's wrong my boy? Why are you looking like that?" The father said.
The boy looked up and asked:
"Dad, do you know how to perform a cow abortion?"
The father replied:
"Holy shit, what have you gotten yourself into?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jsvfq/so_there_was_a_kid_on_a_farm/
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A little boy saw a pirate on the beach one day and asked him a few questions.

He first asked about his wooden leg. The pirate said "I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit off my leg"
He then asked about his hook for a hand. The pirate said "I lost my hand in a sword fight with a different pirate"
He then asked about the eye patch. The pirate paused then said "Got bird shit on my eye"
Confused the boy asked how that could make him lose his eye. The pirate said "It was the first day I got my hook for my hand"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jsuop/a_little_boy_saw_a_pirate_on_the_beach_one_day/
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It's hard to explain puns to shoplifters.

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jsubq/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_shoplifters/
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Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come out before 1, 2, and 3?

In charge of the release dates, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jssmb/why_did_star_wars_episodes_4_5_and_6_come_out/
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My doctor said he thought I had the body of a 25 year old.

So naturally I had to kill him and bury him next to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jsm7j/my_doctor_said_he_thought_i_had_the_body_of_a_25/
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Had to bury my mother-in-law today and I must admit, it was quite a shocking experience…

I didn’t expect her to scream for as long as she did…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jsg4n/had_to_bury_my_motherinlaw_today_and_i_must_admit/
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"Would you take a bullet for the last person you had sex with?"

"Of course, anything for family!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jsd22/would_you_take_a_bullet_for_the_last_person_you/
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Chinese PI

A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI's report about what he found: "Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jsc0b/chinese_pi/
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When it comes to LBGTQ questions...

You'll  get no *straight answers*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6js28n/when_it_comes_to_lbgtq_questions/
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If Hermione was a mathematician what would her kids be named?

Hermitwo and Hermithree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrynb/if_hermione_was_a_mathematician_what_would_her/
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8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them

But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jryj1/8_dudes_have_as_much_wealth_as_4_billion_people/
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What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and the queen?

Murdered in a tunnel in France.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jryij/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_prince_charles_and/
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Teacher: Why is your paper blank?

Me: Sometimes silence is the best answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrvmy/teacher_why_is_your_paper_blank/
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Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. It's Einstein's turn to count, so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! I found you! There you are!"
Newton smiles and says "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jru4t/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_playing/
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Sexual advisor

My boss appointed me to be his sexual adviser. His exact words were 'When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrt7c/sexual_advisor/
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A pretty woman is driving down a country road...

A pretty woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down. She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, ''My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?''
''Well,'' drawls the farmer, ''you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke.''
The woman looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. ''Okay,'' she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says,
''Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?''
They say, ''Huh?''
She says, ''The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.'' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, ''Luke? You remember that woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?''
''Yeah,'' says Luke, ''I remember.''
''Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?'' asks Jed.
''Nope,'' says Luke, ''I reckon not.''
''Me neither,'' says Jed. ''Let's take these things off.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrsnc/a_pretty_woman_is_driving_down_a_country_road/
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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.

So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrsdd/there_was_an_elderly_man_who_wanted_to_make_his/
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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think of a solution in silence…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrrrq/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
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Porn movies are positive movies:

No murder,
No war,
No fight,
No conspiracy,
No cheating,
No racism,
No religious fanatics,
No language problem,
No crying or teasing,
Good cooperation,
Good coordination,
Natural acting,
Everybody enjoys the climax,
Lots of love,
Alwayz a very happy ending for all characters!
And the best part… No matter which point you start watching, you will understand the story..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrrlx/porn_movies_are_positive_movies/
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What did the buffalo say before sending his son off to college?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrqf6/what_did_the_buffalo_say_before_sending_his_son/
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Why did the monk go to the casino?

Tibet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrpzz/why_did_the_monk_go_to_the_casino/
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Using chromosomes for advertising

Because you know,sex cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jropa/using_chromosomes_for_advertising/
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If I had to choose between DNA and RNA..

I would take RNA because it has U in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrn70/if_i_had_to_choose_between_dna_and_rna/
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An American, a Pole and a German go to hell

When they arrive, the Devil welcomes them and tells them: "I'm now going to escort you to the camp. You'll be forced to work 12 hours a day, you'll be under constant surveillance and every morning your national flag will be burned."
The American, the Pole and the German start with their work. The American is regretful and tells the Pole: "I think I went here because I cheated on my wife. Why are you here?"
The Pole replies: "I'm here because I stole a lot during my lifetime". He turns to the German and asks "Why did you go to hell?"
The German answers: "What do you mean, this isn't heaven?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrmyk/an_american_a_pole_and_a_german_go_to_hell/
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How do you call a dog with no legs?

You don't, you just go and pick it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrmf4/how_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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What do you call a fat person that calls others fat

A HIPPOcrit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrkdp/what_do_you_call_a_fat_person_that_calls_others/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

A church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrh03/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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What does the blind DJ say?

"I can't see your hands!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrgoc/what_does_the_blind_dj_say/
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What do you call the number 6.9?

Great sex interrupted by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jremo/what_do_you_call_the_number_69/
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Just want to thank you for explaining the word 'many' to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrcw0/just_want_to_thank_you_for_explaining_the_word/
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I used to know a bomb disposal expert

He wasn't very good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jrcnb/i_used_to_know_a_bomb_disposal_expert/
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What did one parallel line say to the other?

It's a shame we'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jr75x/what_did_one_parallel_line_say_to_the_other/
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I have sex daily.

Wait, I meant dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jr72y/i_have_sex_daily/
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Why can't Flat-Earthers watch the show Avatar?

Because they don't understand the concept of Earth-bending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jr6et/why_cant_flatearthers_watch_the_show_avatar/
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A muslim man is riding a camel and his wife is walking

A muslim man is riding a camel through the desert and his wife is walking on foot 10 m in front of him.
Another muslim man notices that and says: Don't you know that Holy book of Qur'an says that wife should always walk behind her husband?
The first muslim answers: when the book of Qur'an was written, there yet were no minefields, so keep walking, my beloved Fatimah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jr4te/a_muslim_man_is_riding_a_camel_and_his_wife_is/
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Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”
Driver: “What’s that?”
Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the  cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
“I’m gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn’t know you were a cop.”
(Edit: Glad you liked an old classic)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jr44j/blonde_gets_caught_speeding/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because prison changes people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jr2wf/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair black?

Artificial intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jr1sj/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_blonde_dies_her_hair/
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This is a knock knock joke

Two guys walk into a bar, knock knock. Now they both have a headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jr1h1/this_is_a_knock_knock_joke/
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Benny's Uncle

Benny decided to buy a present for his Uncle Sam’s birthday, so with his older brother’s help he bought a present, gift wrapped it, and brought it over to his uncle.
His uncle, knowing that Benny’s father manufactured apple juice, and seeing a wet spot on the bottom corner of the box, decided to have some fun with Benny by trying to guess what was in the box. “Hmm” said Uncle Sam, dipping his finger on the wet spot and taking a quick taste, “I’m going to guess it’s a case of apple juice.”
“No” said Benny jumping up and down clearly enjoying the game. “Not apple juice?” Said Uncle Sam clearly surprised. After another quick taste and a brief pause he guessed again “is it apple cider?” “No,” said Benny practically squealing in excitement “IT’S A PUPPY!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jr0yf/bennys_uncle/
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Why was the triangle sent to hell?

Cos sin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jr0uq/why_was_the_triangle_sent_to_hell/
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Why do cows have hooves?

because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jr0dk/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
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Why do Canadians have free alphabet healthcare?

Because of all their sore E's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jqw0w/why_do_canadians_have_free_alphabet_healthcare/
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Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jqv1y/relationships_are_a_lot_like_algebra/
%
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jqsxl/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
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A Little boy named Arthur

A little boy named Arthur lived in a small village. He did not like anyone because of his stupidity, and especially his teacher, who always shouted at him: "You drive me crazy Arthur!"
One day, Arthur's mother came to school to check on his case. The teacher honestly told his mother that her son is just a disaster, receives very low scores and even she has never seen such a stupid child in her entire teaching career !!!
Mother was shocked by such comments, and took her son from school and even moved to another village !!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with a serious illness! All the doctors urged her to perform heart surgery, which only one surgeon can do. Analyzing the situation and realizing that she no longer has any other choice, the teacher decided to agree to an operation that was successful.
When she opened her eyes after the operation, she saw a nice doctor who smiled, looking down at her! She wanted to thank him, but she could not speak. Her face began to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but in the end she died! The doctor was shocked and tried to find out what went wrong when he turned around, then he saw Arthur, who worked as a cleaner in the clinic, and he turned off the oxygen equipment to connect his vacuum cleaner.
Did you really think that Arthur became a surgeon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jqsby/a_little_boy_named_arthur/
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9/11 jokes are terrible.

The other 2/11, however, are hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jqrxi/911_jokes_are_terrible/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jqrhj/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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A father and his son go into a convenience store.

The father purchases a 6 pack of beer and and pack of cigarettes. The son begs his father to buy him a scratch off lottery ticket, and after some incessant pleading the father agrees.
They return to their car and the father lights up a cigarette. The son asks can I have one of those? The father replies no. The son pleads with his father for a cigarette. Finally the father asks. Does your dick touch your asshole? The son replies no. So the father says well then you can't have one.
Then the father proceeds to crack open a beer. The son asks can I have one of those. The father replies no. The son pleads with the father for a beer. Finally the father asks does your dick touch your asshole? The son replies no. So the father says well then you can't have one.
Dejected, the son decides to scratch off his lottery ticket. As he scratches, he discovers he has won the grand prize of one hundred thousand dollars. The father asks you're going to split that with me right? The son asks does your dick touch your asshole? The father replies as a matter of fact yes it does.
The son says well then, you can go fuck yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jqob3/a_father_and_his_son_go_into_a_convenience_store/
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People kept asking me to quit playing Wonderwall

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jqnnj/people_kept_asking_me_to_quit_playing_wonderwall/
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The brain is the most important organ in the body...

But look who's telling me that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jqjyx/the_brain_is_the_most_important_organ_in_the_body/
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Pet Spider

My kid asked me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!
"No way," I thought, "I can get one much cheaper off the web."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jqecn/pet_spider/
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What do you get when you mix a Mexican, and a octopus?

I don't know either but could you imagine that thing picking apples?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jqd8r/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_mexican_and_a/
%
Why do protesters refuse to brush their teeth?

Because plaque lives matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jqbax/why_do_protesters_refuse_to_brush_their_teeth/
%
Would you take a bullet for the last person you slept with?

"Yea damn right, anything for family"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jqacq/would_you_take_a_bullet_for_the_last_person_you/
%
Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jqa6g/why_is_the_french_military_always_shocked_when/
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3 scientists walk into a bar.

One scientist asks "may I have some h20"
The other says "H202" The third, after seeing the 1st scientists long prison history thinks about a joke his dad told him. The bartender had a smirk on his face, which alerts the 3rd scientist further to the plan. The second scientist was his friend. He had to do something. He said, Ill have some h202, but boil it. The bartender is confused, but obliges. Scientist 3 knows hydrogen peroxide will explode at 150° so he is prepared. If scientist 1 saw him telling 2 he would get stabbed. This was his plan. The "water" was heating up and exploded. The bartender passed out.
The 3rd scientists, seeing that he will not get his goal goes to the bathroom and weeps. Scientist 2 had the last part and his assassination plot failed. He was close to but needed 1 last piece. He curled up into a ball and realized because of scientist 3 he would never have all of the parts to a good joke he would be included in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jq8qq/3_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
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Maria finally met her fate.

Maria, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks back her second husband died, Maria also passed away yesterday.
Today, I was at Maria's funeral... The priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."
Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"
The priest replied, "No dear, I mean her legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jq6u6/maria_finally_met_her_fate/
%
In a first grade class on the first day of school

, the teacher wanted to get to know all the students, so she had them all stand up and say their names. A little boy stood up and said that his name was "Mother Fucker."
"Excuse me?" asked the incredulous teacher.
"That's right ho, my name is Mother Fucker."
"Well listen here," said the teacher, "this may be the first day of school, and you may think you can use foul language to get attention, but I can assure you that I won't tolerate it. Now, tell me your real name right now or I will send you straight to the principal's office."
The boy replied, "Look bitch, I said my name be Mother Fucker, and I mean ta tell ya, it be Mother Fucker!"
"Well, that's it! Get out of my classroom right now!" The boy headed for the door and when he got there he turned to his twin brother who was also in the classroom and said, "Come on, Fuck Face, the bitch ain't gonna believe you either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jq6lx/in_a_first_grade_class_on_the_first_day_of_school/
%
I used to date an opera singer, but I had to get rid of her...

She was all "Mi, mi, mi..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jq43b/i_used_to_date_an_opera_singer_but_i_had_to_get/
%
100 people walk into a bar

The emergency unit was overly busy that night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jq3p1/100_people_walk_into_a_bar/
%
An Aboriginal goes down to the river

fishing for crabs. He puts his line in and just as he feels a tug, a ranger comes down and says "you know you're not supposed to be crabbing at this time of the year mate. If you reel that in and you've got a crab I'm going have to fine you." so the Aboriginal pulls in the line and sure enough there's a crab on the end. So the ranger tells him that it's got a be a $150 fine and he'll have to throw the crab back.
The Aboriginal says
"mate, this is my pet crab. Every day I come down to the river and let him have a swim. "
He demonstrates by letting the crab swim out and pulling him back in
"see?"
The ranger's having none of this and says "prove it's your pet crab, let it off the string and we'll see if it swims back."
So he let's it off the string, chucks it in the water... Sure enough it swims away and doesn't come back.
"see, it wasn't your pet crab!"
"what crab? I didn't have no crab.. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jq1w3/an_aboriginal_goes_down_to_the_river/
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Do racist birds...

join the Ku-Ku-Klux Klan?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jpy09/do_racist_birds/
%
A Muslim hailed a London cab

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "in the time of the prophet there were no taxis either, so piss off and wait for a camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jps9e/a_muslim_hailed_a_london_cab/
%
A man wants to buy a horse (long)

So he finds the man who owns the horse. The owner takes him to the stable. The buyer asks to take the horse for a test ride.
&nbsp;
"Okay," says the owner. "But I'm a retired church pastor. The horse will only go forward if you say, 'Praise the lord.' He will only stop moving if you say 'Hallelujah.' "
&nbsp;
Feeling annoyed, the buyer says "That's fine," and he gets up on the horse. After the seller returns to the house, the buyer, mounted on the horse, whips the reins and says, "Hiyah!!" The horse doesn't move. "Yah," he said, spurring the horse. Still no movement. Feeling a little embarrassed and stupid, he complied to the owner's instruction. "Praise the Lord," he mumbled, and the horse began quickly trotting away from the stable.
&nbsp;
*Wow,* the buyer thought, excited. *I wonder how fast this horse can go.* "Praise the Lord," he said, this time at normal volume. The horse sped up considerably.
&nbsp;
*Amazing! I must have this horse!* the buyer thought. "Praise the Lord!" he shouted. "Praise the Lord!" And the horse kept speeding up. The stable behind them was no longer visible.
But the horse and the buyer were speedily approaching a huge canyon. Seeing this ahead, the buyer commanded, "St- stop! Whoaaa, horse!" But the horse kept the charge forward. "Hallelujah!" the buyer shouted. And the horse stopped at the edge of the vast canyon, with only inches of ground to spare.
Looking up to the sky, the buyer sighed in relief. "Praise the Lord."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jpnni/a_man_wants_to_buy_a_horse_long/
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What do you call pasta shaped like a penis?

Lingweenie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jpmg4/what_do_you_call_pasta_shaped_like_a_penis/
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What did the cannibal say to 2 Mexicans?

I thought I'd eat both of you but I only have room for Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jplma/what_did_the_cannibal_say_to_2_mexicans/
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How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jpkhc/how_did_rihanna_find_out_chris_brown_was_cheating/
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I made explosive praying rugs

Prophets are through the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jpkc5/i_made_explosive_praying_rugs/
%
Turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute...

Totally blew my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jpixj/turns_out_my_psychologist_is_also_a_prostitute/
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What's a pirate's favorite letter?

A kindly-written one, as he doesn't return to the mainland very often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jpeof/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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"So, Mrs. Kennedy, how was that parade?"

"Mind blowing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jpdh0/so_mrs_kennedy_how_was_that_parade/
%
People call me a frugal skeptic

But I'm not sure I buy that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jpanu/people_call_me_a_frugal_skeptic/
%
An old man was sitting on his front porch, when a kid walks by with some chicken wire.

He decides to give the little boy a hard time and says
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Chicken wire, mister."
"What do you plan on doing with that?"
"Well, I'm going to catch some chickens."
"You idiot, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire"
The boy shrugs this off and walks away.
A few hours later he walks back past the old mans house with 5 chickens all tangled up in the chicken wire.
The old man is astonished and says nothing to the boy as he walks past.
The next day the boy walks past the old man on the porch, this time with a roll of duct tape.
The old man asks again.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?
"It's duct tape, old man."
"What do you plan on doing with that?"
"Well, I'm going to catch some ducks."
"You idiot, you cant catch ducks with duct tape."
Annoyed with the old man, the boy walks away.
A few hours later he walks back past the old man on the porch with 5 ducks all stuck to the duct tape.
The old man is astonished yet again and says nothing to the boy as he walks past.
The third day the boy walks past the old man on his porch. The old man decides to pester him again and asks.
"Hey boy, whatcha got with you today?"
"It's pussy willow, old man"
"Wait here, let me get my hat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jp799/an_old_man_was_sitting_on_his_front_porch_when_a/
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Why Do Chicken Coupes Have 2 Doors?

Because if it had 4 Doors it Would Be a Chicken Sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jp6qx/why_do_chicken_coupes_have_2_doors/
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I like my women how I like my coffee...

...raised by impoverished farmers in Southeast Asia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jp2dz/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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My whole life before age 12 was a blur.

That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jp2dk/my_whole_life_before_age_12_was_a_blur/
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How does a mime walk around?

Goes without saying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jp05y/how_does_a_mime_walk_around/
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Boy selling newspapers

A boy is selling newspapers in a street corner when a man walks up to him and says "W-w-what t-t-time is it b-boy?" The boy looks at him but doesn't say anything. "I a-asked you a q-question b-boy, W-w-what t-t-time is it?" Again the boy doesn't say anything. The man is getting angry at this point and says "D-damnit boy, I asked y-you a q-question and I e-expect an a-answer. W-w-what time is it?" The boy still doesn't answer and the man storms off.
Another man comes up and asks why the kid didn't answer and the boy says "And d-do w-w-what? Get the sh-shit k-kicked out of me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jozr2/boy_selling_newspapers/
%
American walks into a bar

And orders a whole 0.5 liters bottle of vodka, whistles loudly to get attention on himself and chugs whole bottle in one sip.
Suddenly, one Ukrainian comes to him, orders the same vodka and drinks it in front of the American.
American smiles, orders 1 liter of whiskey and chugs it in 20 seconds and laughs into Ukrainian's face.
Ukrainian then does the same, drinking whiskey even faster.
American, getting mad, takes the whiskey bottle and hits himself in head with all his power, breaking the bottle in pieces and proceeds to mock Ukrainian.
Ukrainian wasn't bothered at all and in seconds does everything what American did.
Then American, seeing it is hard to beat Ukrainian, pulls out his 25 cm long dick, puts it on a table and breaks the silence: "This is Bill."
Ukrainian, with a wide smile, does the same. Opens the zip, pulls down his pants and puts on the table 2 dicks, both 30 cm long and speaks out with a chill voice: "This is Bill. Chernobyll."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6joxno/american_walks_into_a_bar/
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What has two thumbs and never takes the blame?

That guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jox53/what_has_two_thumbs_and_never_takes_the_blame/
%
Did you hear about the knotting championship match?

They tied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jow30/did_you_hear_about_the_knotting_championship_match/
%
Call Captain Planet

The residents of a town are fed up with all of the pollution from factories, littering, and toxic waste.
Finally, a townsperson says, "We need Captain Planet!"
A moment later, a superhero looking dude shows up and says, "Did someone summon me?
The townspeople rejoice, and cheer for their new savior.
The superhero gathers everyone together and puts together a basic strategy to fight the pollution.
Then he says, "Have fun, I'm outta here."
The townspeople are confused and ask him, "Well wait, when do you start doing all this?"
He replies, "Me? I don't do anything. You called for Captain Plan-it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jovbk/call_captain_planet/
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I'm starting to think this country really is run by Jews

But it's still only my first week in Israel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6joshf/im_starting_to_think_this_country_really_is_run/
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God created Adam...

...and Adam was happy for a long time. But someday God saw that Adam was depressed and went to ask him what's wrong. Adam replied:
"I'm grateful you gave me life God but I feel so lonely. There's no one to share my life with"
"Ok Adam, I think I have something for you. I will create something to keep you company. It will be there for you at all times, good or bad, it will care for you, it will listen to your troubles, it will love you. It will be your perfect companion and we shall call it woman!"
"That sounds great God! What would you want in return?"
"I will have to take one eye, one ear, one lung, some of your teeth and some fingers in order to create this"
Adam thought about it and said:
"What do I get with a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6joqek/god_created_adam/
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You should know something interesting about me...

My penis is the same length as 2 Ikea pencils.
I'm also banned from Ikea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6joorh/you_should_know_something_interesting_about_me/
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A couple of hookers are standing on a corner as a police car slowly drives by

One turns to the other and asks:
"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies:
"No, but I've been swung around by my tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6joo0g/a_couple_of_hookers_are_standing_on_a_corner_as_a/
%
6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jon70/6_was_afraid_of_7_because_7_8_9_but_why_did_7_eat/
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Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar.

And doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jokyg/schrodingers_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why is being in the military like a blow job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jojn7/why_is_being_in_the_military_like_a_blow_job/
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Don't vaccinate your kids...

Smaller coffins cost less than bigger ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jogs0/dont_vaccinate_your_kids/
%
I'm dating an Italian bricklayer

It's cement to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6joel6/im_dating_an_italian_bricklayer/
%
That awesome moment when you realise...

...in 2020 it will be 4/20 for a whole month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jobgm/that_awesome_moment_when_you_realise/
%
Once upon a time there was a guy who had this irritating tingling in his balls

He goes to the doctor, "Doc, you have to help me. I've had this tingling in my balls, and you need to help me get rid of it."
"Huh. Try just waiting it out." So the guy goes home. After a whole week, it's still there
"Doc! It's still here! You have to help me!"
"Try take these meds"
One week later, still no success. This goes on for a month to no avail.
"Doc please! Is there really nothing?"
"Well, I mean, we could cut off your testicles..."
"Fine! Do what needs to be done!"
One quick surgery later, the man is happy as can be. Feeling good, he goes to the town tailor to get himself a suit to affirm his manliness to himself.
"Tailor, make me your finest suit!"
"Sure, you look like about a 40 for leg length"
"Yup"
"And about a 35 arm length"
"Yup"
"And maybe a 35 top height"
"Yup"
"And a 32 waist"
"Hah! Nope. I'm a 30 waist."
"No, you look like a 32 to me"
"Nope. I've been wearing 30s for a while"
"Well, I can cut you a 30, but you're gonna have a funny tingling in your balls....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6job90/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_guy_who_had_this/
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The Seven Dwarves are invited to Rome for a visit with the Pope. . .

. . . All is going well as the Dwarves are asking questions about faith and the church in an albeit innocent and childlike manner. But for some reason Dopey was quiet. He was shying away and looking embarrassed which wasn't all that odd for Dopey but the Pope in his kindness and curiosity wondered why the little guy had no questions. After all few people have the opportunity to speak privately with the mouthpiece of the Lord so surely this young dwarf must have had at least one question.
So the Pope asked the other Dwarves, "doesn't Dopey have something he'd like to ask?"
"Oh he certainly does!" exclaimed Doc.
"Ask him, Dopey. Ask him," said Sleepy.
So, sheepishly Dopey asked, "Are there any convents in Alaska?"
The Pope thought this was a strange question but still he replied, "Yes, my son. The church has convents in Alaska."
But the other Dwarves persisted. All of them continuing to say, "ask him, Dopey. Ask him."
So Dopey asked, "Um, Mr. Pope, sir . . . are there nuns in Alaska?"
A stranger question still but the Pope replied, "Yes, my son. There are indeed nuns in Alaska."
But the Dwarves kept on with, "ask him, Dopey. Ask him."
"Um, ah, honorable Pope, um. . . are there any midget nuns in Alaska?"
At this the Pope felt little Dopey was just being silly and simply not considering the grave honor that had been bestowed upon these Seven Dwarves.
"No, Dopey. There are no midget nuns in Alaska and I have no idea why you would ask such a silly thing."
To which the other Dwarves replied, "*Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6job5n/the_seven_dwarves_are_invited_to_rome_for_a_visit/
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What's a headline that's worse than "Missing person remains missing"

"Missing person's remains found"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6joafu/whats_a_headline_thats_worse_than_missing_person/
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I never trust octagons.

They're always lazy, just squares that cut all the corners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jo6w9/i_never_trust_octagons/
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A man goes to the doctor

A man, having troble getting his wife pregnant, goes to the doctor. The doctor, after hearing him, gives him a flask to deposit a small amount of sperm for testing, so that he could find out what was wrong. Two days days later the man returns, but the flask is still empty.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Doctor, I’ve tried as hard as I can” replies the man. “I tried with my right hand, then my left, I even called my wife to help, but nothing. I also asked my neighbor to try with both hands but even she coudln’t do it. As a last resort, I asked her husband, who has quite the physique, to help me but even his efforts were in vain. I think I’ll never be able to pull it off.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll find a solution.”
“I don’t know doctor. I mean, if even he couldn’t open this flask, who can?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jo4a5/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Carmen the barrel

A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things - the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing.
"What's the matter?" asks the captain.
"I'm a young man and I've gotten the urge to fuck more than I care to admit on this ship, but there are no women" replies the man. "Is there any way to relieve myself?"
"Arrr" says the captain "Follow me!" The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair. On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole. "We calls her Carmen," says the captain, "and you may take her as you will". The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way.
However, as the hours go by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the young man. Finally he can resist her no longer and the man has his wicked way with Carmen the rum barrel. To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!
The next day the captain greets him again. "How did you get on with Carmen then, lad?" he asks eagerly. The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good! I can't wait to go again tomorrow!"
"Ohhh, not tomorrow lad" says the captain, a great beaming smile splitting his black-bearded face. "Tomorrow is your turn in the barrel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jo401/carmen_the_barrel/
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Two guys are driving late at night

Suddenly, they are stopped by police. The driver opens the window.
Guy: Evening, officer
Officer: Good evening sir.
Guy: Did we do something wrong?
Officer: No sir, we've stopped you because we are looking for two rapists.
Guy: Ah, ok. One sec please, officer.
The guy closes the window, talks to his buddy, then opens the window again and says: "Ok officer, we'll do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jo2ff/two_guys_are_driving_late_at_night/
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I'd like to die like my grandpa, in my sleep.

Not screaming and yelling, like the people in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jo1ab/id_like_to_die_like_my_grandpa_in_my_sleep/
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How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jo015/how_do_you_scare_a_child_tell_them_that_a_monster/
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What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jo00d/whats_the_best_thing_about_fingering_a_gypsy_on/
%
Traveling salesman joke...

A traveling salesman stops by a farmhouse and an 8 y/o boy answers the door. He's smoking a cigar and drinking a tumbler of scotch.
Once the salesman gains his composure he says, "Well sonny is your Mom home?"
To which the kid answers, "What the fuck do you think?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnz5g/traveling_salesman_joke/
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There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who can understand binary, those who cannot, and those who didn't expect this joke to be in base 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnydb/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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My dad used to hit me everyday with a camera

I still get flashbacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnxak/my_dad_used_to_hit_me_everyday_with_a_camera/
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I had a terrible accident a while ago and fell into an upholstery machine.

I'm fully recovered now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnwd6/i_had_a_terrible_accident_a_while_ago_and_fell/
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A man had 3 problems...

A man had 3 problems:
1: He was very poor
2: He had no children with his wife
3: His mother was blind
An angel appeared to him and asked him to make a wish. Just one. Now his wife wants a child, his mother wants to see and he wants to be rich...
Ah, what embarrassment!
After reflecting a bit, he said wisely to the angel:
"I just want my mother to see my children eating in golden plates."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnt7k/a_man_had_3_problems/
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A man is on the the phone with a bartender.

He says to the bartender "Is there a young, blonde lady there?"
The bartender responds "There are dozens, sir. Be more specific."
"She's wearing a plaid crop top, ripped short jean shorts, boots, pigtails and a cowboy hat."
The bartender replies "yeah, she's here, what of it?"
The man answers "Well, we are rodeo folk and I was wondering if you could give her a message? She needs to get her damn bull out of my yard!"
"I'm not a messenger pigeon, come tell her yourself."
The man replies with great concern "but it's urgent!"
The bartender contemplates for a moment. "Fine, I will deliver her a message, but for each word you want me to repeat to your young lass, I will charge 100 dollars.
The man seems uneasy, "that's ridiculous!"
"Alright then"
Before the bartender can hang up, the man says "WAIT!! Tell her this single word, but very slowly, ok?"
"Fine"
"Just say the word 'Comfortable, but remember, very slowly."
The bartender does so, and the blonde woman comes rushing over to remove her beastly animal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnrxs/a_man_is_on_the_the_phone_with_a_bartender/
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I'm thinking of a number between 1 to Infinity. What number am I thinking of?

Yours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnrul/im_thinking_of_a_number_between_1_to_infinity/
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A German, Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar.

They all order beer but before they can drink it an ant falls into each of their mugs. The German takes out the ant and says " Zis wont stop me" and drinks it all. The Englishman pushes it aside and says "barman give me another". The Irishman pulls the ant out, holds it in front of his face and screams "SPIT IT OUT YA BASTARD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnraj/a_german_englishman_and_an_irishman_walk_into_a/
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A successful rancher died

and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnr5v/a_successful_rancher_died/
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Pierre

A lumberjack working up in the north woods in Canada walks into the local saloon and asks the bartender where he can find a woman for the night. The bartender tells him "there are no women for 500 miles but there is always Pierre." The lumberjack says "I don't go for that shit". And leaves. About three weeks later he comes back up to the bartender and asks if there are any women around and again the bartender says "not for 500 miles but there is always Pierre." he again says "nah. I don't go for that shit" and promptly leaves. Another month passes. He goes to the same saloon. Asks the bartender again and gets the same response. He then asks..... "OK... How many people would have to know about this.? " the bartender replies "five people". "five people!? why so many.? " "well", the bartender replies "there is you, me, Pierre, and the two guys it takes to hold down Pierre because he don't go for that shit either".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnqcj/pierre/
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My wife said to me if I don't stop quoting Star Wars she's going to leave me

I replied "Only a Sith deals in absolutes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnq1d/my_wife_said_to_me_if_i_dont_stop_quoting_star/
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A woman is out of town on business

and decides to head down to the hotel bar for a quick drink on her first night there. She sees the bar isn't all that crowded and easily finds an open seat.
She grabs a menu and the only other guy sitting at the bar moves over next to her. He reeks of booze. He says to her, "I wanna tell you a secret. This bar has magic beer. Drink it and it'll make you fly." She moved away from the guy but he followed and kept talking about this "magic beer."
Well she was pretty intent on getting a drink and remembered a bar she saw on the drive in about a block away so she walks there. She sits down at a table and begins looking at a drink menu. A couple minutes pass and she overhears some guys talking about how they just saw some guy flying around the hotel bar up the street.
Now she's curious. She leaves this bar and heads back. Sure enough, there's the drunk guy flying around like a bird. She get's ecstatic and runs to the bar tender and says, "I'll have whatever HE had!"
The bartender hands her a beer and she pounds it in 30 seconds. She takes the elevator to the rooftop patio on the 30th floor, steps over the ledge and falls to her death.
A crowd quickly gathers where she hit the ground. The scene is horrific. The bartender turns to the flying patron and says, "you know, Superman, you're kind of an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnp68/a_woman_is_out_of_town_on_business/
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A priest wants to go golfing on a Sunday..

...but he has to run Sunday mass so he can never go, so one Sunday mass he cancels at the last minute. Finally having some time on a Sunday, he heads straight to the local course and starts a game of golf.
An angel picks up this happening and brings it to the attention of God. He says "aren't you going to do anything, God?"
At that moment, the priest hits his tee shot. A freak gust of wind takes the ball and it bounces off the tree, bounces off a rock, and lands in the river. Then, a bird comes and picks up the ball, flies with it partway up the course but is then struck by a freak bolt of lightning. The ball flies out of the bird's beak, bounces onto the green and goes in in the hole, for a hole and one.
The angel then turns to God and says "why did you do that? That's the luckiest shot anyone ever took!"
God just smiles and replies "yes, but who's he going to tell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnglz/a_priest_wants_to_go_golfing_on_a_sunday/
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Bread is classified information!

It's on a knead-to-dough basis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnglk/bread_is_classified_information/
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If you think about it, Bill Cosby got in trouble over pudding

Pudding his dick where it don't belong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jngfd/if_you_think_about_it_bill_cosby_got_in_trouble/
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Programmer joke: !false

It's funny because it's true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jnco5/programmer_joke_false/
%
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes: WHACK! "Damn”  A bad skydiver goes: "Damn." WHACK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jn7yv/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
%
Nintendo: surely you can't come up with a worse name than Wii U

Microsoft: hold my beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jmzfo/nintendo_surely_you_cant_come_up_with_a_worse/
%
I took a picture of myself at an R.E.M concert.

That's me in the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jmwnd/i_took_a_picture_of_myself_at_an_rem_concert/
%
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.

'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'  So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jmqc0/a_man_takes_his_rotteweiller_to_the_vet/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."
The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."
The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the first chemist his glass of water, and the second chemist a glass of water too... because the bartender is an adult and can infer meaning from contextual clues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jmm2z/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A young Jewish boy goes to a new school in a small American mid-west town

The teacher asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”
A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the father of our country.”
The teacher replies, “Well, that’s a very good answer, but that’s not quite the answer I am looking for.”
Another young student raises his hand and says, “I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war.”
“Well, that’s another good answer, but that is not quite the one I was looking for.”
Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, “I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived.”
The teacher’s jaw drops in astonishment. “Yes!” she says, “That’s the answer I was looking for.” She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during break time, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. “I can’t believe you said 'Jesus Christ'?”
The boy replies, “I know it’s Moses and you know it’s Moses, but business is business.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jmkxj/a_young_jewish_boy_goes_to_a_new_school_in_a/
%
I have an exam about gemstones.

I don't think I'm going topaz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jmkh9/i_have_an_exam_about_gemstones/
%
You meet a man on the Oregon trail...

You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry.  You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name.  Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.  You have died of dissin Terry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jmi6f/you_meet_a_man_on_the_oregon_trail/
%
Did you hear about the recent celebrity murder?

Sheryl Crow, Russel Crowe, and Cameron Crowe all happened to be in one room. Nobody was injured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jmeyl/did_you_hear_about_the_recent_celebrity_murder/
%
[Long] Feeling Pregnant

“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to help the men sympathize with their partners.”
“We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap. “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”
“I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on. “This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”
“You want me to pick it up?” he said hesitantly, “just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor.
“Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jmdoo/long_feeling_pregnant/
%
I realized today I reached my ideal weight years ago.......

I just haven't reached my ideal height of 7'6" yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jm9qx/i_realized_today_i_reached_my_ideal_weight_years/
%
A guy goes to the movies

He buys a ticket and goes in.
5 mins later he returns to buy another ticket.
Another 5 mins later again he asks for a third ticket.
The lady selling the tickets asks "Why do you keep buying tickets?"
"Because they keep ripping mine when I try to go in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jm9ql/a_guy_goes_to_the_movies/
%
How do you find a new Greek restaurant?

With a gyroscope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jm8lj/how_do_you_find_a_new_greek_restaurant/
%
I threw a Chinese man down the stairs...

It was Wong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jm647/i_threw_a_chinese_man_down_the_stairs/
%
Why do golfers wear two sets of pants?

In case they get a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jm33g/why_do_golfers_wear_two_sets_of_pants/
%
DOCTOR: You have three left to live.

PATIENT: Three what? Three months? Years?
DOCTOR: Questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jm26n/doctor_you_have_three_left_to_live/
%
Naming a child

I took more time to name my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jlzyt/naming_a_child/
%
I Hate Tacos

Said No Juan Ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jlyyi/i_hate_tacos/
%
Never perform an organ transplant on a frog.

It's very disheartening and they usually croak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jlte7/never_perform_an_organ_transplant_on_a_frog/
%
A joke my friend told me.

So there's this guy and he just recently got married to the love his life, Wendy. Now he wants to profess his love to her in the most special and unique way ever. So he decides to get her name tattooed onto his dick. It is good to note that most of the time his dick reads just 'Wy' or 'Wey', ya know depending how cold the room is.
Fast forwarding....
This fellow is going on a business trip to Jamaica, so he sits down with a friend of his who had gone before. To ask what he should expect there. His friends tells him about how there are these nude bars and that he shouldn't worry about nudity there and to not make a big deal about anything.
Well, by this point the man has gotten to Jamaica and he's had a few meetings so he decides to go get a drink at the local bar. After a while a man, completely naked, sits down on the stool right next to him. Now he's heard a rumor that Jamaican men have very large dicks and he can't help but to see if this rumor is true!
So he casually takes a peek and notices that the man's dick have the letters 'Wy' tattooed on it!! Well now he has to know why, but he feels really awkward asking about the man's penis cause that would mean he looked at it. But he has to know! So he looks at the man and says , "excuse me, this is a bit awkward of me, but, I just have to know." *Pointing at the mans exposed penis* "do you have a wife named Wendy too?"
The Jamaican man looks at him, looks down at his dongle, looks back at him and laughs, "hahahaha nooo mon, dis says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a very nice day' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jlrp7/a_joke_my_friend_told_me/
%
Why did Mohammad go to Medina whenever he had a question?

Because Medina had the Ansar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jlr8y/why_did_mohammad_go_to_medina_whenever_he_had_a/
%
A man is sitting on a barstool...

and eating from a bowl of peanuts. But instead of just eating them, he takes one peanut at a time, mutters "You suck!", and then crams it into his mouth. He continues to do this for a while.
Finally, the woman next to him can't contain her curiosity. "Why are you saying that?" she asks.
"I like them roasted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jlnva/a_man_is_sitting_on_a_barstool/
%
A girl gets home from school and is greetrd by her mother

Mom: "What'd you do in school today?"
Daughter: "We learned all about the male reproductive organs"
Mom: "Oh, and what else?"
Daughter: "Well then we watched as the police came and took Mr. Brown away"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jlntr/a_girl_gets_home_from_school_and_is_greetrd_by/
%
An alligator walks into a bar...

An alligator walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve alligators here."
The alligator is pissed and goes out and puts on a huge hat and trench coat to hide his identity. He comes back in to order a beer.
Bartender sees through the goofy disguise and says "sorry, we don't serve anyone in trench coats."
The alligator's really pissed now. He sees a scantily-dressed woman sitting at the end of the bar and devours her. He shouts, "now are you going to serve me that beer, asshole?"
The bartender quips, "sorry, we don't serve drug users."
The alligator screams "what the hell are you talking about!?! What makes you think I'm a drug user?"
"I saw that barbiturate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jllkp/an_alligator_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.
"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.
"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.
So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east and sure enough there's a dragon. It's fire I swear hot enough to melt mountains but eventually the man manages to defeat it. A Hawaiian monk approaches the man.
"You seem very strong, do you mind helping me?" The Hawaiian monk asks.
"Sure, what do you need?" The man replies. The monk tells him of a hidden temple in the desert. So the man hires a private jet and flies into the desert where he meets a sphinx. The sphinx asks him a riddle.
"What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon and three in the evening?"
After 13 hours the man figures out the answer, a human. The sphinx leads him to the temple. As the man goes through the temple he has to kill hundreds of penguins but finally he makes it to the top floor where there is a red jewel.
He picks up the jewel and a spaceship appears. Bored, the man gets into the spaceship and flies through the galaxy, exploring a ton of planets including Namek and Saturn. Finally the man finds a tiny planet with the surface area of a football pitch. He sets foot on it when a tree ambushes him.
"Hello, will you take me to earth?" The tree asks.
"Sure." The man says.
"You're a great dude so I'll grant you one wish." The tree promises.
"Could you make me a watch that measures time 100% accurately wherever I am?" The man asks.
"Do you realise how advanced that technology would need to be. It would need to take into account relativity, gravity, your velocity and tons of other factors." The tree moans.
"Ok, can you stop people reposting on r/jokes whilst only changing the setup?" The man says.
"What kind of watch again?" The tree asks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jlf5u/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Have you heard about the kidnapping?

I heard he slept for like 3 hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jlasy/have_you_heard_about_the_kidnapping/
%
I accidentally walked in on my parents having sex...

That was the most awkward 45 minutes of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jl7zo/i_accidentally_walked_in_on_my_parents_having_sex/
%
Algebra...

Something you have to take off to play with a mermaids tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jl6mm/algebra/
%
Man goes to the doctor.

Man: "Doc, you gotta help me. I sing spontaneously, and uncontrollably."
Doctor: what do you mean?
Man: Well whenever I see a woman on the street I start singing "She's a lady". And Any time I cross paths with a cat I'll sing "What's new pussy cat?".
Doctor : What you have is Tom Jones syndrome.
Man: So you've heard of this before?
Doctor: It's not unusual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jl5kw/man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?

He was too far out, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jl38t/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie_from/
%
They say Mitch McConnell is spineless. I disagree.

Snakes definitely have spines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jl16o/they_say_mitch_mcconnell_is_spineless_i_disagree/
%
I was waiting at the bus stop.

A woman said, "How long will the next one be?"
I said, "Probably about thirty feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jl09l/i_was_waiting_at_the_bus_stop/
%
What did the necromancer baker say to his dough?

"Riiiiiiiiiise!!!"
*i'll show myself out*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jkzyf/what_did_the_necromancer_baker_say_to_his_dough/
%
Why is the beach so confident?

It's really shore.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jkvul/why_is_the_beach_so_confident/
%
My jigsaw said 3+ years on the box...

I sure showed it, it only took me 2 years to finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jkvog/my_jigsaw_said_3_years_on_the_box/
%
What happens after a frogs car breaks down?

It gets toad away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jku4i/what_happens_after_a_frogs_car_breaks_down/
%
A group of soldiers were lost in the desert

The General tells four soldiers to go out in each direction to see what they can find while he waits there.
A while later three of them come back and have nothing to report. A minute later the fourth one returns and says
"Sir, there's a tree over there!"
"A tree in the middle of the desert, you must be outta your mind, soldier" the General replies
"It's true, and it had bacon in it. It's a bacon tree" protested the soldier
"Alright, everyone go check it out while I wait here" the General ordered
So all of the soldiers go over the sand dune and towards the bacon tree. For a while nothing happens but after a few minutes the General begins to hear massive explosions.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
One after another the explosions continued, until suddenly they just stopped. At that moment a soldier appears from over the dune.
"General!" He cries, "It's true, there is something over there!"
"But it wasn't a bacon tree" he continues, "it was a hambush"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jktvh/a_group_of_soldiers_were_lost_in_the_desert/
%
A man walks into a steakhouse

and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.
"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.
She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."
"And what if I miss?"
"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"
He looks up again.
"No, the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jksve/a_man_walks_into_a_steakhouse/
%
A tennis ball walks into a restaurant....

a waiter asks: "Have you been served?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jkr8z/a_tennis_ball_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
What's the hardest part about eating a clock?

It's time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jkqfa/whats_the_hardest_part_about_eating_a_clock/
%
People say Michael Jackson only became a paedophile when he was white. [NSFW]

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jkq65/people_say_michael_jackson_only_became_a/
%
A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."
The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic, think if the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports will have to reach down to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Just think about the amount of concrete and steel that would have to be used! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time, when finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are they thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing'
and how can I make them truly happy.
The Lord replied, "Do you want 2 lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jkotz/a_joke_my_dad_told_me_that_i_never_understood/
%
What do you get when a line of rabbits run backwards?

A receding hare line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jknwc/what_do_you_get_when_a_line_of_rabbits_run/
%
An elderly lady takes a cab ride

When she gets to her destination the drìver says, "That'll be $15."
The old lady lifts up her skirt and says, "How about I pay you with this? "
"Aw jeez lady!" the driver says, "Don't you have anything smaller?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jkk2p/an_elderly_lady_takes_a_cab_ride/
%
I bought a wooden whistle.

But it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle.
But it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle.
But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a copper whistle.
But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle.
Now I can whistle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jkg54/i_bought_a_wooden_whistle/
%
Titantic is the 2nd highest grossing movie in Japan.

Guess since they couldn't sink Pearl Harbor, they went for the next best thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jkfrs/titantic_is_the_2nd_highest_grossing_movie_in/
%
why does my girlfriend keep walking to the left of me?

because women have no rights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jkbyy/why_does_my_girlfriend_keep_walking_to_the_left/
%
A very elderly British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
“You have been to France before, Monsieur?” the immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
“Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready.”
The British gentleman said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”
“Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”
The elderly gentleman gave the French immigration officer a long, hard look.Then he quietly explained “Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on a beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn’t find any fucking Frenchman to show it to.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jk70g/a_very_elderly_british_gentleman_arrived_in_paris/
%
A businessman is away from home for a few days on a sales conference…

He plans to take full advantage of his few days of freedom and has Googled the numbers of female escorts in the locality.
He picks up the bedside telephone and pudgy fingers punch in the first of the numbers, he waits, he hears a young female voice answer, "Listen, I want you to come to my hotel room for a couple of hours, I want oral, I want to do anal and I want to jizz all over your tits!"
There is a pause and the young woman replies, "That sounds like great fun but you need to dial 9 to get an outside line sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jk6fh/a_businessman_is_away_from_home_for_a_few_days_on/
%
Why is there no such thing as lesbian home cooking?

Because they're always eating out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jk5v6/why_is_there_no_such_thing_as_lesbian_home_cooking/
%
There were 3 nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each.

So the priest says, "Okay, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you."
So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed.
The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had sex with a guy."
The priest said, "Ok," blessed her, and said, "Go drink some holy water." So she did!
The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, "I got in a fight with another nun."
The priest said, "Ok," blessed her, and said, "Go drink some holy water." So she did!
The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And, as she was laughing, she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jk5oj/there_were_3_nuns_they_all_told_the_priest_that/
%
A man is walking in Central Park.

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.
"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.
The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jk51p/a_man_is_walking_in_central_park/
%
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes.

However, he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "By all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".
So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.
Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying together. The two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jk3q2/a_man_was_on_holiday_in_the_depths_of_louisiana/
%
Two guys were walking though the Sahara

They suddenly see a tiger approaching .
One guy throws sand in the tiger's eyes and he runs away.
The other guy keeps standing still.
"RUN MAN, WHY ARE YOU STANDING STILL??"
"Well I didn't throw the sand at him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jk339/two_guys_were_walking_though_the_sahara/
%
The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog.

I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jk203/the_weather_forecaster_this_morning_said_that/
%
Some puns

•    How does Moses make tea ?   Hebrews it.
•    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
•    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
•    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.
•    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
•    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
•    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
•    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.   I just can't put it down.
•    I did a theatrical performance about puns.   It was a play on words.
•    Why were the Indians here first ?   They had reservations.
•    I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.
•    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ?
•    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?   A thesaurus.
•    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jjuel/some_puns/
%
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No" the man replied. "Landmines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jjsh7/visiting_afghanistan_for_a_second_time_a_war/
%
Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Child: Dad what are clouds made of?
Dad: "Well, EMC storage and VM ware ESXi servers, mostly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jjsgz/daddy_what_are_clouds_made_of/
%
15 dollars for a rat trap, 3 dollars for cheese

Coming home to find a house not full of droppings?. Miceless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jjr0u/15_dollars_for_a_rat_trap_3_dollars_for_cheese/
%
What is the colour of the Wind?

Blew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jjqpr/what_is_the_colour_of_the_wind/
%
My wife is a mute.

We're happily married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jjqio/my_wife_is_a_mute/
%
An 11 year old girl realized that she had started to grow hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her Mom about the hair. Her Mom calmly said " That part where hair has grown is called a Monkey, be proud that your Monkey has grown hair. " Next morning at breakfast she told her sister. " my moneky has grown hair. " her sister smiled and said " That's Nothing, mine is already eating Banana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jjds4/an_11_year_old_girl_realized_that_she_had_started/
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Three burglars are running from the police

They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes "meow", "just cats" he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes " meow" so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack and the burglar says "potatoes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jjc8o/three_burglars_are_running_from_the_police/
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There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.

The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little cock-eyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jjbyc/there_was_a_kid_that_was_born_with_no_eyelids/
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If your girlfriend starts smoking...

Slow down and use lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jjbkh/if_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
%
I hate Russian dolls..

So full of themself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jjbgc/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
I had a Fish

That could breakdance, on the carpet, for 20 seconds, only once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jj99v/i_had_a_fish/
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Where does a valcano go to pee?

The lavatory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jj7o8/where_does_a_valcano_go_to_pee/
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NSFW What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jj75f/nsfw_what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny/
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There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics.

It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jj658/theres_a_new_razor_designed_for_dyslexics/
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What is a cannibal's favourite TV Show?

Graze Anatomy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jj3lr/what_is_a_cannibals_favourite_tv_show/
%
What's big, red and if it fell out of the tree it could kill you?

Fire truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jj325/whats_big_red_and_if_it_fell_out_of_the_tree_it/
%
what's a dogs favorite part of the house?

The roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jj0a5/whats_a_dogs_favorite_part_of_the_house/
%
Bud light is like sex on a beach,

It's fucking close to water!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jixmx/bud_light_is_like_sex_on_a_beach/
%
And God Said To Adam

Come forth and yee shall receive eternal life. But Adam came fifth and got a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jivsz/and_god_said_to_adam/
%
What did one female vampire say to the other female vampire?

I'll see you next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jivsl/what_did_one_female_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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There are TWO kinds of people in this world:

People who are good at math, people who are good at telling jokes, and people who aren't good at either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jivr2/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
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Why didn't they let the sex molester become an Astronaut?

They didn't want him getting near Uranus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jitsk/why_didnt_they_let_the_sex_molester_become_an/
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Kermit Jagger

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?'' The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jitey/kermit_jagger/
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What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

Which end the dirt bag is on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jisca/whats_the_difference_between_a_harley_and_a_hoover/
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What do you get when when you cross a cow and an octopus?

My fatass thieving ex-girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jioii/what_do_you_get_when_when_you_cross_a_cow_and_an/
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A couple was invited to a wedding...

A married couple was invited to a wedding that neither of them wanted to go to, but they felt obligated to go because the man getting married worked at the same firm as the husband.
They were asking each other what they should bring as a wedding gift, when the wife had a great idea: they could take the engraved silver platter that was given to them for their wedding, have it re-engraved and give that as a gift. After all, they couldn't remember who gave it to them so it had no sentimental value, and they never used it.
So the next day they grabbed the platter and brought it in to an engraver and they told them what they wanted done.
The engraver nodded, then looked closely at the platter and said, "Look, we can only do this so many times..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jio26/a_couple_was_invited_to_a_wedding/
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A guy walks into his psychiatrist's office

The guy's wearing only plastic wrap for underwear. The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "I can see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jinkc/a_guy_walks_into_his_psychiatrists_office/
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"Doctor, help me. I've been sleeping like a log."

Doctor: "So how is that a problem?"
Patient: "I keep waking up in the fireplace."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jiniz/doctor_help_me_ive_been_sleeping_like_a_log/
%
The girl I'm dating likes to answer the phone during sex

I think I'm going to stop calling her...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jimx5/the_girl_im_dating_likes_to_answer_the_phone/
%
Husband: "I want a divorce...

My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jijqk/husband_i_want_a_divorce/
%
How is a vampire similar to an abortion clinic?

They both suck the life out of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jiiqd/how_is_a_vampire_similar_to_an_abortion_clinic/
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A lawyer and a doctor area at a cocktail party

A person comes up to the doctor and asks about a symptom he's been having lately. The gives him some advice and turns to the lawyer.
It's always awkward when people ask me for my professional opinion in a casual setting. Do you think it's ok if I charge them?
Absolutely says the lawyer. I think it's perfectly fine.
The following week the doctor then gets a bill from the attorney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jih0f/a_lawyer_and_a_doctor_area_at_a_cocktail_party/
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Hitler failed English class.

He was an anti-semantic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jigd5/hitler_failed_english_class/
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Who’s In Charge?

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said, “I do all the thinking so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The stomach said, “I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we’d starve. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
Then the rectum said, “I think I should be in charge.”
All the rest of the parts said, “You?!? You don’t do anything! You’re not important! You can’t be in charge.”
So the rectum closed up!!!!
After a few days, the stomach was all queasy, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn’t take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jiehs/whos_in_charge/
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What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?

One hundred people who don't do dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ji9oi/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_50_lawyers_in_a_room/
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Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ji7qr/did_you_hear_about_the_crematorium_employee_who/
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How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ji7nv/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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9/11 jokes are not very funny.

But the other 2/11? They're the best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ji32m/911_jokes_are_not_very_funny/
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Engineering at its finest

One day, a group of engineering professors are invited by their students to take a vacation on the islands of Hawaii. The professors are pleased and the next day they all enter the plane. However, just before the boarding stage is complete, the captain, who used to be a former student, makes a quick announcement:
Captain: "This is your captain speaking. Welcome all of you! I'm happy to announce that lift off will come shortly, we are just making a few safety checks and preparations. You all deserve this reward and hope you have a wonderful time"
The professors clap and congratulate each other. However, the captain then says:
Captain: " As an additional surprise, this plane was built by your very own students and took months of hard work and dedication"
Immediately the professors, all but one, are screaming and frantic to get off the plane. They all rush towards the exit, almost trampling the flight attendants. The captain is shocked and hurt, as are the rest of the students that their professors had no faith in them. Except for the one who stayed.
A few minutes later, the captain and a couple of students walk up to the professor and ask why he didn't leave.
Professor: " Ha, don't worry my pupils, I had complete and utter faith in you all."
The students, filled with joy, thank the professor, who then says,
Professor: " If the plane was really built by you lot, I wouldn't have to worry about the plane crashing; you wouldn't even get the plane to start."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ji31n/engineering_at_its_finest/
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What's the difference between a terrorist and a five year old?

I don't know, I just pilot the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhzmt/whats_the_difference_between_a_terrorist_and_a/
%
I lost my white friend in the snow, I lost my black friend in the dark, I lost my Asian friend in the sand,

I lost my Muslim friend in an explosion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhzg8/i_lost_my_white_friend_in_the_snow_i_lost_my/
%
How would you describe a bodybuilder who doesn't have six packs

Abnormal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhylz/how_would_you_describe_a_bodybuilder_who_doesnt/
%
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhy4n/my_crosseyed_wife_and_i_just_got_a_divorce/
%
My wife went mushroom hunting all day and found nothing.

I'm offering morel support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhwap/my_wife_went_mushroom_hunting_all_day_and_found/
%
What do you call a fat goth?

Buffet the Vampire Slayer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhsj5/what_do_you_call_a_fat_goth/
%
A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

It blew my mind because I've been his customer for years! I had NO IDEA he was a barber!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhp9n/a_local_barber_in_my_area_just_got_arrested_for/
%
Apple came up with a tablet computer with touch screen, geared toward children.

They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhm6k/apple_came_up_with_a_tablet_computer_with_touch/
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If you have a donkey and I have a rooster, and your donkey bites the legs of my rooster off, what do you have?

Two feet of my cock in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhkku/if_you_have_a_donkey_and_i_have_a_rooster_and/
%
What do you call Chinese Sign Language?

Handarin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhjoz/what_do_you_call_chinese_sign_language/
%
Why should you never teach a plant math?

Because it'll grow square roots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhhm6/why_should_you_never_teach_a_plant_math/
%
What Do They Call a Pride Parade in Saudi Arabia?

A Massacre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhf4s/what_do_they_call_a_pride_parade_in_saudi_arabia/
%
What's a dentist's favorite time of the day?

Five o'clock, because he hates his job and lives for the weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhe8t/whats_a_dentists_favorite_time_of_the_day/
%
What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhdvc/whats_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
%
I tried skateboarding to work.

Almost drowned. I'm a fisherman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jhabw/i_tried_skateboarding_to_work/
%
What did the dick say to the condom?

Cover me. I'm going in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jh91q/what_did_the_dick_say_to_the_condom/
%
How many movie directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It doesn't matter, but the last one has to be M. Night Shyamalan, to give it a twist at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jh8nh/how_many_movie_directors_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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An American, A german, and Russian are at a strength competition

The competition is Hammering  a nail into a piece of 4x4 plywood with their head.
The American, a 250 pound beast, holds numerous records in strength. The German, and 350 pound monster, almost 7 feet tall, is renowned as the most masculine man on earth. The russian, a scrawny, 80 pound man, no records, no interests, he exists as a regular man.
The American is up first, takes a nail the size of an index finger and hits it twice with his head, BOOM BOOM, successfully forcing the nail all the way down.
The German is up next, takes a nail the size of a water bottle, hits it once, BAM, successfully penetrating the nail through the plywood.
The russian is up next, takes the smallest nail there is, hits it 10 times, BAP BAP BAP BAP BAP BAP BAP BAP BAP BAP....
Gets the nail in.
The judges are now calculating who is the winner. After some time, the Judges come to the conclusion that the Russian won. Everyone was confused, "why?" asks the German, "He took the smallest nail and had to hit it 10 times! I took the biggest and hit it just once!"
"Because" said the judge. "He had the nail upside down..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jh89u/an_american_a_german_and_russian_are_at_a/
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Note to self: Never make my password a bunch of little stars.

That would be too much of an asterisk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jh3u3/note_to_self_never_make_my_password_a_bunch_of/
%
Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, “Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...”
“How is that a bad thing?” I wondered.
He replied, “Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jgyj9/recently_asked_a_friend_whats_the_worst_thing/
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I had to break up with my girlfriend...

Me and my Japanese girlfriend had been dating for around 9 months before she really started becoming attached and really clingy. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to end the relationship. When I told her she took it surprisingly well, and she didn't get upset or anything. I was ecstatic! But she turned up to my house the next day and asked where we were going for dinner. I was confused and I told her to have a seat whilst I informed her that our relationship was OVER! This time when I told her she was crying, kicking and screaming.
I guess the only way to make the Japanese really understand is to drop the bomb twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jgxu5/i_had_to_break_up_with_my_girlfriend/
%
What did Al Pacino say to his lover?

Say hello to my little friend!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jgxbi/what_did_al_pacino_say_to_his_lover/
%
After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel.

He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jguqo/after_a_heavy_night_at_the_pub_a_drunken_man/
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Why do Band Directors do so good at Stand-Up Comedy?

Their jokes are very well orchestrated.
(Edit: Was checking posts to see if this was done before. Credit to u/EmpiricalPeguin in the Comments of a Beethoven joke post)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jgsgz/why_do_band_directors_do_so_good_at_standup_comedy/
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A plateau...

is the highest form of flattery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jgnwv/a_plateau/
%
The Bishop was late for service

One day, the Bishop was late for church service.
He said it was traffic, but I don't think he went straight there.
He probably went diagonally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jgk9z/the_bishop_was_late_for_service/
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A Woman goes to a Doctor.....

...worried about her husbands temper.
The Doctor asks: "Whats the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jgiha/a_woman_goes_to_a_doctor/
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Ever have sex while camping?

It's fucking intents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jghg8/ever_have_sex_while_camping/
%
The four most beautiful words in our common language:

I told you so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jggsz/the_four_most_beautiful_words_in_our_common/
%
I was always afraid of dying alone, so thanks for being with me in my final moments.

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jggib/i_was_always_afraid_of_dying_alone_so_thanks_for/
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What do you call a dog that can't hear, can't see, can't smell, can't taste, and can't feel?

Nonsense!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jge27/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_cant_hear_cant_see/
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On the roof of a very tall building are four men.

One is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jgd6e/on_the_roof_of_a_very_tall_building_are_four_men/
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What do you call a 23 year old guy with no friends, depression, social anxiety anda no job?

An average redditor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jgd0c/what_do_you_call_a_23_year_old_guy_with_no/
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Why are closeted gay people good at poker?

Because they're always putting on a straight face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jgaow/why_are_closeted_gay_people_good_at_poker/
%
As my wife lay there, handcuffed to the bed…

…covered in semen with a buttplug hanging out of her ass, wo things occurred to me…
First, since I took her virginity all those years ago, she had become more uninhibited in the bedroom than I could have ever anticipated.
Second, she had clearly forgotten that I was going to be home early…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jg7to/as_my_wife_lay_there_handcuffed_to_the_bed/
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How do you break up with somebody in Italy?

It's not you! It's a me, Mario!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jg7nv/how_do_you_break_up_with_somebody_in_italy/
%
If you refuse to pay your TV licence in England, you can be sent to prison…

Where, ironically, you'll get plenty of BBC…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jg758/if_you_refuse_to_pay_your_tv_licence_in_england/
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I went on an "Authentic World War One Tour" the other day

Three quarters of our party died, we didn't go anywhere and it rained the whole time.
10/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jg6p7/i_went_on_an_authentic_world_war_one_tour_the/
%
My boyfriend told me he calls his dick "little ISIS"...

My boyfriend told me he calls his dick "little ISIS" because it's like a nuclear bomb in his pants.
I told him he should call it "little North Korea" because that nuclear bomb is dysfunctional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jg2jd/my_boyfriend_told_me_he_calls_his_dick_little_isis/
%
When writing a story about losing your virginity,

Its good to always put it in the first person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jg1g6/when_writing_a_story_about_losing_your_virginity/
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Girl: Our relationship is over.

Me: Our relationship is what? Over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfy03/girl_our_relationship_is_over/
%
A driver, tired from a long drive, drives into a park for some rest

It's early in the morning and he's about to fall asleep when he's woken by a knock on the door. Its a jogger. He says 'Excuse me sir, do you know the time?' The driver looks at his car clock and says sleepily 'It's 5:00'. The jogger thanks him and leaves.
He's just nodding off again when there's a knock on the door again: another jogger. 'Excuse me sir, do you know the time?' He looks at the car clock and snaps angrily: '5:30!' and slams the door.
Determined to prevent further interruptions, he writes a note on his notepad, tears it off and sticks it to his window 'I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME!' it says.
He's finally fallen into deep sleep when he's awoken by a furious knocking on the door. Purple with rage, he opens the door. It's a smiling jogger, who taps his watch and says, 'Excuse me sir, it's 6:00'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfvzn/a_driver_tired_from_a_long_drive_drives_into_a/
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Expecting Wife

Just as Dave was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in."
At least two nights a week for twenty years Dave had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So, he went out for a routine check.
When Dave entered the living room he was suprised to see a thief. The man held a gun on him and continued to rob the house.
As the theif was about to leave Dave said, "You have to go and meet my wife."
The thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"
Dave replied, "Well, she's been expecting you since 20 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfvn3/expecting_wife/
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The Old Fisherman

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," replied the old man.
"Poor old chap.." thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfudu/the_old_fisherman/
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What do you call a fish without eyes?

A fsh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jftsa/what_do_you_call_a_fish_without_eyes/
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What do you call a disabled hipster?

A cripster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfth2/what_do_you_call_a_disabled_hipster/
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Four Engineering Professors get on a plane..

Four Engineering Professors get on a plane to go to a conference. Before take off the pilot goes up to each one of the Professors.
Pilot to Professor 1: "Hey, just so you know, your engineering students built this plane." Professor 1 quickly exits the plane.
Pilot to Professor 2: "Hey, just so you know, your engineering students built this plane." Professor 2 quickly exits the plane.
Pilot to Professor 3: "Hey, just so you know, your engineering students built this plane." Professor 3 quickly exits the plane.
Pilot to Professor 4: "Hey, just so you know, your engineering students built this plane." Professor 4 stays seated.
Professors 1-3 call Professor 4 to ask why he didn't exit the plane.
Professor 4: "If my students built this plane, this shit won't even start."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfrrg/four_engineering_professors_get_on_a_plane/
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This lady was walking by a pet shop.....

...with a parrot in the window. As she's passing by the parrot squawks
"rrrawww.... Lady, you're ugly!!"
She is so offended by this that she storms into the store and demands to speak to the pet shop owner. she tells him "Your parrot just insulted me!" The pet shop owner apologized and promised to to take care of it.
Well, the next day the lady is walking by the same pet shop and the parrot goes ahead and squawks
"rrrraaawww.... lady, you're really ugly!"
Flustered she storms in the pet shop and yells at the owner "This is the second day in a row that parrot has called me ugly. This is completely unacceptable!" The owner once again profusely apologizes, and gives her his word that it will not happen again.
Welp, the third day in a row this lady is walking by the pet shop and as she passing the parrot squawks
"rrrrraaaaww......"
the lady shoots him a look....
The parrot says "You know"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfras/this_lady_was_walking_by_a_pet_shop/
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Ramadan

Putting the "slim" back in "Muslim"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfqem/ramadan/
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I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfq8t/ive_tried_calling_stephen_hawking_many_times/
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Patient: Great, how often do I have to take it?

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfp5t/patient_great_how_often_do_i_have_to_take_it/
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What's the difference between puberty and musical notes?

Not too much. Tenors can't seem to hit either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfmka/whats_the_difference_between_puberty_and_musical/
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Why do flamingos stand on one leg?

Because if they stood on no legs they would fall down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfk1w/why_do_flamingos_stand_on_one_leg/
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Two Russians..

..discussed who was the greater man, Comrade Stalin or President Hoover.
“Hoover taught the Americans not to drink,” says one.
“Yes,” replies the other, “but Stalin taught the Russians not to eat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfjrt/two_russians/
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I accidentally left my wallet in my jeans when I put them in the washing machine.

A few days later I got arrested for money laundering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfjkz/i_accidentally_left_my_wallet_in_my_jeans_when_i/
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I want to make a joke about sodium

But Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfjeq/i_want_to_make_a_joke_about_sodium/
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A man buys a female parrot from a store for cheap, but soon discovers there's something wrong with it

All it says all day is 'Fuck me!' 'Fuck me!' 'Fuck me!' He locks it in various places, but it's extremely loud and the noise penetrates: 'Fuck me!' 'Fuck me!' 'Fuck me!' By now he can't sleep at night and the neighbours are getting annoyed too.  He's about to lose hope when a priest from the nearby church drops in and says: ' Hey, I noticed your parrot swearing all day. I have two male parrots back in the church and they're very pious: All they do is pray all the time. If you keep your parrot with them, she'll become more disciplined.'
The man agrees and his parrot is put in the priest's parrot cage. She looks around at the cage and it's occupants, and starts off: 'Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me!' One of the priest's parrots turns to the other and says: 'See? God listened!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfj3u/a_man_buys_a_female_parrot_from_a_store_for_cheap/
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Why did Spiderman open a retirement account?

He wanted to turn his Spidey cents into Spidey dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfiou/why_did_spiderman_open_a_retirement_account/
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A poem I read to my gf while proposing

Roses are Red
Today is the Day
Plot Twist
I'm Gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfio4/a_poem_i_read_to_my_gf_while_proposing/
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My grief councillor died recently

But fortunately he was so good I didn't give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfh9h/my_grief_councillor_died_recently/
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A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign.

As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.
The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.
"You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now I'm gonna be late for my appointment. You better believe you're gonna regret this day!"
The farmer calmly surveyed the scene. "Look, young fella, you're all worked up. Neither one of us is hurt -- it's just our rides that are a little banged up," he said. Then he reached into his pocket, pulled out a hip flask and offered it to the lawyer. "Here, why don't you take a slug of this whiskey. It'll help you calm down."
After a moment, the lawyer accepted and took a deep drink. A bit later, he tipped up the flask and took another swig. Then he returned it to the farmer, who closed the flask and put it away.
"Don't you want any yourself?" asked the lawyer.
"Not just yet," answered the farmer. "I'll wait until after the police leave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jffpa/a_lawyer_was_late_for_an_appointment_at_his/
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Time flies like an arrow...

Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfcla/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
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A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfbq2/a_pregnant_woman_hobbles_into_the_hospital_with/
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How did Captain Hook die on the Toilet?

He wiped with the wrong Hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jfbi3/how_did_captain_hook_die_on_the_toilet/
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Geometry class brought out the worst in me...

I used to go off on tangents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jf9od/geometry_class_brought_out_the_worst_in_me/
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A man walks into a bar...

because he has a fear of getting over hurdles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jf80f/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's Beethoven doing right now?

Decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jf7qk/whats_beethoven_doing_right_now/
%
CHILI, TEXAS STYLE!

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is a so called actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. Read it all. Do not skip any sections. Do not skip ahead.
Pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
Note: For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off around Halloween. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
**CHILI, TEXAS STYLE !!!**
Note from Frank: "Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfield, IL) I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light beer booth, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a Chili taster, the chili wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
**CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI**
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
**CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI**
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
**CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI**
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting {censored}-faced from all of the beer.
**CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC**
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
**CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER**
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
**CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY**
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
**CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI**
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
**CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI**
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jf7hf/chili_texas_style/
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Two fonts walk into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, we don't serve fonts here!"

But they sat down anyways because they were **bold**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jf5sk/two_fonts_walk_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender_says/
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Why are all mathematicians fat?

They eat to much π

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jf42t/why_are_all_mathematicians_fat/
%
Did you hear about the dog from Compton?

He lives in a ruff neighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jey42/did_you_hear_about_the_dog_from_compton/
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How did Germany so easily defeat Poland during WWII?

When the Polish threw grenades at the Germans, the Germans pulled the pins and threw them back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jewwg/how_did_germany_so_easily_defeat_poland_during/
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Why didn't the old truck go back to work when it got new wheels?

It was retired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jetw1/why_didnt_the_old_truck_go_back_to_work_when_it/
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What's the National Bird of Pakistan?

An American Drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jesk8/whats_the_national_bird_of_pakistan/
%
I got pulled over by the Grammar Police.

The cop was pretty passive about the sentence he handed me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jerl2/i_got_pulled_over_by_the_grammar_police/
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A wise man once said, "Nothing worth doing is without risk..."

Well, he almost did, but he was worried someone might laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jer36/a_wise_man_once_said_nothing_worth_doing_is/
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[Repost] what has 8 eyes and 8 legs?

8 pirates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jeq37/repost_what_has_8_eyes_and_8_legs/
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Have you heard the one about Willy Wonka's overachieving Oooma Loompa?

He became a president

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jeq0b/have_you_heard_the_one_about_willy_wonkas/
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"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything.

"Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jepz6/remember_son_a_smart_person_always_has_doubts/
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If wives were bombs, what would their trigger code be?

Calm Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jepc4/if_wives_were_bombs_what_would_their_trigger_code/
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O and o

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking meth and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuaed them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs  forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your asshole before prison…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jeo31/o_and_o/
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I used to fear hurdles

But I got over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jemdn/i_used_to_fear_hurdles/
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A bear walked into a bar...

Waiter: What will it be pal?
Bear: Gin.....
....
....
and tonic
Waiter: Why the big pause?
Bear: I don't know. My dad had them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jembk/a_bear_walked_into_a_bar/
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Why don't rednecks do reverse cowgirl during sex?

Because they don't turn their back on their family!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jem0p/why_dont_rednecks_do_reverse_cowgirl_during_sex/
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The history Channel +1

Where history repeats itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jejdi/the_history_channel_1/
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I ordered a steak last night and it came a bit undercooked. I don't usually eat it that way..

..But last night was a rare occasion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jej88/i_ordered_a_steak_last_night_and_it_came_a_bit/
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For anyone who gets confused about proper grammar and style in writing

I offer from the Internet, the following tip sheet, "How to Write Good":
- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren't necessary
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Prepositions are not the words to end sentences with.
- Be more or less specific.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jei9b/for_anyone_who_gets_confused_about_proper_grammar/
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A Harley rider eating in a restaurant...

is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up, snatches it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
“I am so embarrassed,” the woman says. “Please join me for dinner."
They enjoy a wonderful meal together and afterwards, she invites him to the theatre, followed by drinks. She pays for everything. Then she asks him to her place for a nightcap, and to stay for breakfast. The next morning the guy is amazed.
"Are you this nice to every biker you meet?” he asks.
“Not usually,” she replies. “But you just happened to catch my eye.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jeh49/a_harley_rider_eating_in_a_restaurant/
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My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jecmt/my_exwife_was_deaf_she_left_me_for_a_deaf_friend/
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Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn't exist.

It would be IX/XI instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jecec/without_arabians_911_wouldnt_exist/
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A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

A farmer lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.
The dog finally died and the farmer went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
The farmer said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jeccs/a_farmer_named_muldoon_lived_alone_in_the_irish/
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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while

eventually the son returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jebua/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_to_israel_to_live/
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When my wife was pregnant, everybody caressed her belly, congratulating her.

But nobody fondled my balls and said: "good job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jebqs/when_my_wife_was_pregnant_everybody_caressed_her/
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A man walks down the street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying:

"If you make one more step, a brick will land on your head and kill you."
Surprised, the man stops just as a huge brick crashes down right in front of him.
Stunned, he continues on his way, and after a few minutes hears the voice again: "Stop! Don't cross the road, if you do, the next vehicle will run you over!" The man freezes and again is almost hit by a speeding car.
The man sighs a sigh of relief and asks the air: "Who ARE you?!?"
"I am your guardian angel!" Answers the voice joyfully.
"REALLY??" says the man in sudden anger, "Then where the heck were you when I got MARRIED??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6je9ay/a_man_walks_down_the_street_when_suddenly_he/
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Two is company, three is crowd. So what's four and five?

Nine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6je8q8/two_is_company_three_is_crowd_so_whats_four_and/
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I might not be the most companionable, engrossing and perspicacious person.

But at least I know long words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6je7is/i_might_not_be_the_most_companionable_engrossing/
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The Pirates' conversation…

Pirate: The cannons be ready, Captain…
Captain: ARE!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6je5ry/the_pirates_conversation/
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.

Last night she used me to time an egg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6je3uj/my_wife_only_has_sex_with_me_for_a_purpose/
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I was in the hospital bed when a nurse came up to me and said, "Would you like me to inform anyone that you're here?"

I said, "Yes. The doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdzk5/i_was_in_the_hospital_bed_when_a_nurse_came_up_to/
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Be aware of a scam..

Guys  Be careful!!
Over the last month My friend became a victim of a clever scam while at a shopping mall. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't hsppen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
When you offer them help in finding keys, they say "NO" & instead ask you for a ride to some place. You agree & they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat & goes down on you to give a blowjob while the other one slips her hand between the seats & steals your wallet.!
I had my wallet stolen on April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also this month 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th & 9th, & three times last Saturday .
So tell your friends to be careful. Cheap leather wallets are available on sale...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdv4w/be_aware_of_a_scam/
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I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for £20.

But I partied like it was £19.99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdtvk/i_bought_princes_greatest_hits_the_other_day_for/
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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table…

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.
A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.
The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal.
As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?"
"With the spoon" says the waiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdtcl/a_man_entered_a_restaurant_and_sat_at_the_only/
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My 88 year-old grandfather is really good at sleeping.

He can do it with his eyes *open*.
It's been 24 minutes now and he hasn't blinked once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdtc6/my_88_yearold_grandfather_is_really_good_at/
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I went to the US Embassy for a visa interview in Bangalore.

Officer: Where to in the US?
Me: San Jose
Officer: It's pronounced as "San Hosey". J is pronounced as H in the US
Me: Oh okay
Officer: So how long do you plan to be in the US?
Me: 7 months, from Hanuary to Huly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdt8t/i_went_to_the_us_embassy_for_a_visa_interview_in/
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Kids grow up so quick these days...

Like just the other day, I was online talking to a 15 year old and she was an undercover cop!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdsx2/kids_grow_up_so_quick_these_days/
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The farmer's nagging wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdrx3/the_farmers_nagging_wife/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?

Because it has a silent Pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdpzo/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_urinate/
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Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door."

"Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?"
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdpab/sherlock_holmes_turned_to_dr_watson_and_announced/
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A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry.

Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.
"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdoej/a_young_man_was_in_love_with_two_women_and_could/
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I invented a new word.

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdoeg/i_invented_a_new_word/
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What's a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Customer,
Your internet service has been terminated due to copyright infringement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdmyy/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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I can see 3 years into the future

It's called 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdmv2/i_can_see_3_years_into_the_future/
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I know a guy...

I know a guy who used to work as a taste tester in the Pepsi factory, but his boss treated him like shit. He said his job was soda grading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdkob/i_know_a_guy/
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This sums up the 90s

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99 = 945

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdcpq/this_sums_up_the_90s/
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I love the sound of traffic.

It's my jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jdbes/i_love_the_sound_of_traffic/
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There was this musician in North Korea....

One day he was called upon by Kim Jong Un to compose a piece of music and have the Great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the Humble Auditorium.
The musician, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked and got to work composing a piece of music. One week later, on the night of the performance, the musician accepted the applause and stood in front of the orchestra. He breathed in gently, smiled and looked around and prompted the musicians to begin playing.
They were AWFUL! They didn't play the music like it had been written, they were out of sync, out of tune, the strings were ahead of the wind instruments, the drummer seemed to have a mind of his own and the audience winced in pain.
Embarassed that he had told his dinner guests about the brilliance of North Korean musicians only to be greeted by this performance, Kim Jong Un immediately ordered the musician to be executed.
The guards came, and offered the musician a last meal before his execution. "I'll have a hot curry," said the musician. When it arrived he ate it slowly and carefully - it was the hottest curry he had in a while, and then he sat in the electric chair to await his fate. The guards flipped the switch and smoked filled the room with sparks flying everywhere - but nothing happened - the musician was unharmed.
Impressed by the man surviving his ordeal, Kim Jong Un decided to give the musician another chance to impress him. The man thanked the Great Leader and got straight to work writing another piece of music.
"This is it!" the musician thought as he finished crafting what was the most brilliant piece of music he had ever created. The big night came and again he stood in front of the orchestra.
He smiled, nodded and the orchestra began. It was WORSE than the first time. The brass sounded like shrieking cats, the wind instruments sounded like howling wind in a thunderstorm and the pace was too fast.
Angry that he had been embarrassed once again - the Great Leader called for execution. Again, the man asked for curry for his last meal. "This time I'd like extra chilli," he said. So he ate his curry and sat in the electric chair. Again - sparks flew, smoke filled the room - but nothing happened. The man was unharmed.
Amazed that he was still alive, the Great Leader gave him a final chance. "This had better be your best music ever!" he warned the musician.
Humbly the musician thanked him, bowed graciously and left to compose his next piece. For weeks on end he laboured, changing notes, trying new variations, experimented with previously unheard variations to minor keys - until one day he had cracked it.
"This is my masterpiece!" he cried. The night of the performance came - and again the man stood in front of the orchestra, looked around at them with the expression of a man who was sure nothing could go wrong and they began.
It was a COMPLETE DISASTER! They sounded even worse than the first two times. The audience left the Auditorium shrieking and covering their ears. Nothing in the history of humanity had ever sounded that awful.
"That's it!" bellowed the Great Leader - "Let's take you to be executed straight away. No curry, no last meal. This madness must be stopped!" he exclaimed.
They took the musician away, strapped him into the electric chair, turned the voltage up to the maximum and waited.
This time, the sparks filled the room, a small fire started at the base of the chair, the smoke was dark and heavy and the musician started twitching in the chair.
"Finally," thought the great leader, "that should do it." But when the smoke cleared, the man was still alive smiling.
"But we didn't give you any chili," said Kim Jong Un.
"Oh, it had nothing to do with the chilli," the man said, "I'm just a terrible conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jd9z7/there_was_this_musician_in_north_korea/
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Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail

Turns out they were in for assault and battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jd8p6/sodium_chloride_and_sulphuric_acid_were_in_jail/
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What do you call it when you're attracted to your friend?

Homiesexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jd4l6/what_do_you_call_it_when_youre_attracted_to_your/
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My wife threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head

Don't worry though, my wounds were just super-fish-oil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jd39n/my_wife_threw_a_bottle_of_omega_3_pills_at_my_head/
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My therapist told me that if I have a problem with somebody, I should sever ties with them.

My coworker just asked me what I was doing to his clip-on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jd1qm/my_therapist_told_me_that_if_i_have_a_problem/
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Did you know there's a food that's scientifically proven to kill a woman's sex drive?

Wedding Cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jd02v/did_you_know_theres_a_food_thats_scientifically/
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The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate. Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jcwys/the_american_president_has_challenged_the_british/
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Why do seagulls go to the beach?

Because of the sand, which is there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jcvdz/why_do_seagulls_go_to_the_beach/
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A cowboy joke

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales commences. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jcqw8/a_cowboy_joke/
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Hey guys, I've a cat as a pet for a year now and recently found out my girlfriend doesn't like cat. Looking for someone interested in adopting.

She's 22 from New York and works in HR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jcnsn/hey_guys_ive_a_cat_as_a_pet_for_a_year_now_and/
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A young child asks his father, "Daddy, what are clouds made of?"

"Mostly Linux servers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jclka/a_young_child_asks_his_father_daddy_what_are/
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[NSFW] A female prostitute gives a southern man the time of his life...

When they finish the man asks "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?"
The prostitute replies "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars."
The southern man replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars."
The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says...
"Not for you, baby... Family Discount."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jcj4r/nsfw_a_female_prostitute_gives_a_southern_man_the/
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How did the Democrats feel about the results of Georgia's special election ?

The just couldn't Handel the loss. They had worked their Ossof for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jchhj/how_did_the_democrats_feel_about_the_results_of/
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My wife walked in on me masturbating to a picture of an optical illusion...

I turned and yelled "it's not what it looks like!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jcg3f/my_wife_walked_in_on_me_masturbating_to_a_picture/
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You guys ever heard of Murphy's law?

Murphy's law states that if anything can go wrong, it will go wrong.
You guys ever heard of Cole's law? Its thinly sliced cabbage with a vinaigrette, salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jcfy5/you_guys_ever_heard_of_murphys_law/
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No such thing as a free yatch [Long]

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.
Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jcf5y/no_such_thing_as_a_free_yatch_long/
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Today's youth are getting worse

. I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the holy candle in the church yesterday. I was so shocked that I dropped my beer bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jcepy/todays_youth_are_getting_worse/
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I went to buy a new stereo the other day

They were organized by brand and size. Jeez I hate seeing stereotyping these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jcee0/i_went_to_buy_a_new_stereo_the_other_day/
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Clown

A clown opened a door for me... and I thought to myself... "what a nice jester"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jce3a/clown/
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Did y'all hear about the wine Uber started making?

It's kinda like a cab but not quite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jcc22/did_yall_hear_about_the_wine_uber_started_making/
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It's okay, laundry

Nobody is doing me either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jcb9x/its_okay_laundry/
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A man's wife of 58 yrs is dying of old age

While on her death bed she reached a wrinkled, loving, hand and grasped her husband's fingers in hers.
"Honey, I have a shoe box in the back of the closet. Please grab it and bring it here. I want to show you something."
The man immediately went to the closet and found the old shoe box that his wife had described. He brought it to her bedside and set it on her lap. When she opened it he was shocked by the contents.
Inside were two beautiful dolls that appeared to be handmade, and twelve thick rolls of twenty dollar bills bound in rubber bands. Before he could ask any questions she began to speak.
"When we first got married, my mother told me that if I were to ever become angry with you that I should take that anger and make a beautiful doll instead of taking it out on you. So that we may have a beautiful and loving marriage."
Tears welled in the man's eyes as he listened. For 58 years she had only been angry enough to make two dolls.
"What about the money?" He asked.
"Oh, that's the cash I made from selling all of the dolls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jc3op/a_mans_wife_of_58_yrs_is_dying_of_old_age/
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How many farmers does it take to grease a combine?

...only two, if you feed them in real slow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jc1wl/how_many_farmers_does_it_take_to_grease_a_combine/
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A naked man is walking down the street with a woman on his back...

A guy on the other side of the street yells at him, "Hey, what're you doing!?"
The naked man replies, "Don't get all upset. I'm headed to a costume party!"
"As what?" asks the guy.
"As a tortoise! Can't you tell?"
"Well, what's the woman doing on your back?"
"Oh, that's just Michelle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jc0s2/a_naked_man_is_walking_down_the_street_with_a/
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3 Old ladies are sitting on a bench down at a park..

They see a man start to approach them in a long trench coat. Suddenly, he rips it open to reveal he is naked and flashes them.
The first lady had a stroke.
The second lady had a stroke.
The third one couldn't quite reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jc0a3/3_old_ladies_are_sitting_on_a_bench_down_at_a_park/
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane

when the stranger turned to her and said: "Let's talk, I am sure that flights are faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?" The girl asked.
"Ok," he said "That could be an interesting topic!"
The girl continues: "But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"The stranger thinks about it and says:"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies:"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbzxu/a_stranger_was_seated_next_to_a_little_girl_on/
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Hitler was a hero...

He single handedly ended the Holocaust, and killed one of the most evil people from history!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbygd/hitler_was_a_hero/
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A blonde decided she wanted to make some extra cash, so decided to go house to house taking on small jobs...

She went to a neighbourhood of mansions, walked up to a house, and knocked on the door.
When the owner answered she asked him if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
She replied, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbxdl/a_blonde_decided_she_wanted_to_make_some_extra/
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I shot a black man and got caught

I was charged with impersonation of a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbxa9/i_shot_a_black_man_and_got_caught/
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How do you find Will Smith in the winter?

You look for The Fresh Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbwmm/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_winter/
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A letter from a Penis

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbw0u/a_letter_from_a_penis/
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Porn vs Real life

People always tell me that what you see in porn isn't real and you shouldn't worry about it.
I'm really glad about that because when I watch porn all I hear are phrases like "Yes, more, Faster" but when I have sex it's just constantly shit yelled at me like "PLEASE, NO, STOP" and a few times "IM ONLY 15"
Happy I cleared that up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbt2a/porn_vs_real_life/
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Worlds biggest tractor enthusiast...

A man spends his life collecting memorabilia, merchandise and every other trinket to do with tractors. He works in a tractor shop, has tractor dreams and spends every moment of his free time working on his very own tractor.
One day however, he realises that he needs more, so he turns his life around, puts his tractor mania aside and begins to change himself and look for a wife. After months of self improvement he finally feels confident enough to go out clubbing and find the woman of his dreams. Sure enough, he spots her across the dancefloor and begins to make his way to her when suddenly a cloud of smoke from a faulty smoke machine envelops the crowd. Not one to admit defeat he puffed out his chest and sucked as hard as he could and to everyones astonishment he pulled in the entire body of smoke in one big breath. The woman came over and said amazed 'how did you do that?!'
The man smirked and replied 'its no big deal. I'm an ex-tractor fan'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbspj/worlds_biggest_tractor_enthusiast/
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A black guy brings a girl home from the bar. Once in the bedroom, the girl says to the black guy "Come on, let me see if what they say about black guy is true"

So the black guy stabs her and grabs her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbp77/a_black_guy_brings_a_girl_home_from_the_bar_once/
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A man and a woman had a son named Charlie...

It took the couple several years to have him, and he was the apple of both their eyes. One tragic day on the way home from Charlie's middle school woodcutting competition, they hit a pot hole, the tire blew, and the car went swerving violently into the only other lane on the two lane road. Charlie died on impact. Charlie's mother was thrown from the car and went into a coma. The man, although he wished he hadn't, survived without injury.
The man visited his wife every day at the hospital for the next two months. Constantly begging for forgiveness. He blamed himself for the incident, since he was driving. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat. He didn't think he could go on.
Just when he felt like he couldn't take it any longer, his wife woke up. He felt a mixture of emotions he had never experienced before. Joy. Because the love of his life was alive and well. Dread. Because he would have to be the one to tell her about Charlie. Relief. Because he no longer had to carry this burden alone. And fear. Because of what his wife might think of him. Would she blame him as he had blamed himself?
He told his wife that their son had died in the crash, and she was devastated, of course, but she did not blame him. They began to rely on each other, growing closer through the pain they shared. The man knew he would never get over what happened, but having his wife made him think it just might be bearable.
Just when he was starting to come to terms with his new life and approaching something close to normalcy, the unthinkable happened. Apparently his wife had not been adjusting to their new situation with the same optimism as he had, because during the night one night, she killed herself.
"This is it." The man thought. "This is all I can bear." He went to the barn behind their small country home and retrieved a rope. He then went into Charlie's room and sobbed for hours. He tied the one end of the rope around the rafters (Charlie's room used to be the attic, and the rafters were still exposed.) and the other around his neck as he stood on his beloved son's bed. He summoned all the courage he could to end his life, but just before he jumped, his eye caught all of Charlie's woodcutting projects. Upon seeing this he had a horrible, yet intensely motivational thought, "Once I'm gone there will be little to no memory of Charlie." He removed the rope from his neck and stepped down from the bed.
For the next year he learned wood carving. It became the entire reason for his being. He had a talent for it too, because, though he would never know, by the end of the year, he was one of the greatest wood carvers there has ever been. After mastering the art, he spent the next year building what would be his monument to Charlie, a wooden puppet made in his likeness. He worked and worked and worked, and by the end of that second year, it was complete. He loved it. It was the first time since Charlie's death that he could remember loving so passionately and powerfully. And this love truly was powerful because, as soon as he put the finishing touches on the puppet, it sprang to life. It startled him at first, but he soon realized that in addition to looking exactly like Charlie, it talked and acted just like him as well. And in that moment, it seemed to him that fate had given him a second chance in being a father.
He decided to name the puppet Chuck. He originally wanted to name him Charlie but decided there was only ever going to be one Charlie.  His and Chuck's love for one another grew daily. They did everything together except for one thing. The man always went by himself to chop wood because he was afraid for Chuck to be around wood cutting equipment for obvious reasons. One day the man didn't come back and Chuck immediately began to worry. He went to the place he knew his creator/father chopped the wood and started calling for him. Chuck heard him call back, which was a relief, but his voice sounded muffled. He tracked the voice to a well, and upon looking in he saw the man sitting at the bottom. He explained to Chuck that he had tripped while carrying wood and fallen into the well. As he fell his leg was cut open on a jagged rock and he had lost a lot of blood. Chuck threw the old rope down into the well, but before hardly any weight was put on it, it snapped due to dry rot. The situation was turning grim. It was dark in the well, but Chuck could see how pale his loving paternal figure had become. He looked around, frantically trying to figure out a way to save him. Then it came to him. There was an enormous pile of wood that the man had cut to make his carvings with. Chuck began heaving them into the well.
At first the man was alarmed, but then realized what his created son was doing. As pieces were thrown into the well he could step on top of them bringing him closer to the opening at the top. It was difficult to do with his injured leg, but this new promise of survival, and more importantly being able to spend more time with his son, gave him the strength he needed.
After almost an entire hour of constantly hurling wood into the well, Chuck died from exhaustion. Unfortunately the 262 pieces of wood that Chuck threw into the well, only allowed the man to reach just a few feet below the opening and he died of blood loss. But, with that, the old question was answered, "How much wood would a wood Chuck chuck if a wood Chuck could chuck wood?" 262 pieces exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbo0j/a_man_and_a_woman_had_a_son_named_charlie/
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Dumb blonde

A dumb blonde calls the fire department because her home is on fire.
"Help me, help me!  My house is on fire!" she says.
"Ok, how do we get to your home".  replies the dispatcher.
"DUH!  Big red truck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbkxw/dumb_blonde/
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What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbiqc/what_does_it_mean_when_the_flag_at_the_post/
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What do you call someone who hates brown rice?

Ricist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbih3/what_do_you_call_someone_who_hates_brown_rice/
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An old prostitute is in a home and feeling horny

She decides to strip down and walk past 2 old guys shouting super sex, super sex! One old guy turns to the other and says, I think I'll have the soup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbh37/an_old_prostitute_is_in_a_home_and_feeling_horny/
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A novice is working in the scriptorium and he gets to wondering . . .

. . . if he is copying copies of copies of copies of copies, might errors have crept in somewhere. So he asks the abbot, who concedes the point, and descends to the manuscript repository to find the earliest copy of the MS in question.
The novice waits patiently, but the abbot is gone an awfully long time. Finally he ventures in to see what is amiss. There, in the distance, is the abbot. He is moaning to himself, beating his head against a pillar and repeating to himself,
"I cant believe it....the word was celebrate, the word was celebrate...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbgg3/a_novice_is_working_in_the_scriptorium_and_he/
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What do you call an online game about cereal?

Cheer.io

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbfku/what_do_you_call_an_online_game_about_cereal/
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A dyslexic man robbed a bank

He walked in, pulled out a gun, and yelled "Air in the hands motherstickers! This is a fuck up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbeyh/a_dyslexic_man_robbed_a_bank/
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A wife is like a hand grenade

Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbeud/a_wife_is_like_a_hand_grenade/
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A naked women once robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbe28/a_naked_women_once_robbed_a_bank/
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A vegan, a Mensa member, and a guy who doesn't own a TV walk into a bar.

How do we know this? Because they told everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbcp4/a_vegan_a_mensa_member_and_a_guy_who_doesnt_own_a/
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I asked my friend why he only smokes pot right outside of his front yard where he'd be more likely to be caught...

He said
"Because my dad said it's a gateway drug"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbcfe/i_asked_my_friend_why_he_only_smokes_pot_right/
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Spiders are making newspaper headlines.

Well, the ones in my house are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jbbnk/spiders_are_making_newspaper_headlines/
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Wanna do some laundry?

So a married couple, trying to keep their sex private from their kids, use the phrase "wanna do some laundry?" when they want to have sex.
One day the husband comes home and asks his wife, "hey, wanna do some laundry?" To which she replies, "no laundry is getting done today. I have a headache."
The husband comes home the next day and asks again, but his wife responds, "I already told you no laundry is getting done in this house."
Five days later the wife asks the husband, "hey wanna do some laundry?" And he replies, "no thanks. I had a small load so I did it by hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jb6re/wanna_do_some_laundry/
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What do you call a loud, yet obedient, puppy?

A small subwoofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jb3bw/what_do_you_call_a_loud_yet_obedient_puppy/
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This is the time of year I think of my brother.

He passed away when we were kids. It was the middle of summer.
We were 8 at the time. We weren't twins, but being so close in age we may have well been.
The only thing...everything had to be equal. We fought like dogs if one got more than the other. He had a slightly bigger ice cream scoop than I did and I went ape shit. We had ice cream everywhere.
My mom always had to intervene. And where she could, she'd tells us to split stuff. So we did.
We went so far as to put a line of tape down the floor in our room. Which was funny; we acted like diplomats because the dresser was on my side and the closet was in his side. We'd time each other's stay in our borders.
So one summer day we were in the pool and we started fighting over the floatie.
Our mom came storming out: enough!  You guys are too much. Now split the pool!
Before I really thought about it I yelled: I get the top half!
RIP bro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jb39e/this_is_the_time_of_year_i_think_of_my_brother/
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I'm dating an Italian bricklayer.

It's cement to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jb2v9/im_dating_an_italian_bricklayer/
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Your mom jokes are so overrated. They're done everywhere.

*Just like your mom*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jb2f5/your_mom_jokes_are_so_overrated_theyre_done/
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I threw my girlfriend a leaving party but she didn't seem to appreciate the effort.

She kept saying, "Where am I going?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jb1y3/i_threw_my_girlfriend_a_leaving_party_but_she/
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How did the cat with 9 lives die instantly?

It got ran over by a 3x3 truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jb0rk/how_did_the_cat_with_9_lives_die_instantly/
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Whats better than two roses on a piano?

Tulips on a organ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jay6p/whats_better_than_two_roses_on_a_piano/
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How does Osama close a door

Islams-it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jay56/how_does_osama_close_a_door/
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My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him;  the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jax8j/my_friend_just_asked_me_if_you_became_invisible/
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Where do cantaloupes go in the summer?

To John Cougar's Mellon Camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jaww1/where_do_cantaloupes_go_in_the_summer/
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Why did the scarecrow win a nobel prize?

He was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6javo8/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_a_nobel_prize/
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How do you make a dead baby float?

You take your foot off its head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jasem/how_do_you_make_a_dead_baby_float/
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What do gay horses eat?

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jarmr/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
%
A man walks into a bar with a fidget spinner...

The man asks the bartender:
Sir, is it okay for me to use my fidget spinner here?
Bartender:
Sir, it's 2017, you can be gay anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6japl9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_fidget_spinner/
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I was in the park, today, watching a sweet old lady feeding the birds

Then I thought to myself: "I wonder how long she's been dead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jao9s/i_was_in_the_park_today_watching_a_sweet_old_lady/
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Three things I want to do before I die:

1)Swim with piranhas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jamq6/three_things_i_want_to_do_before_i_die/
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A pirate walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey pirate, what's with the paper towel on your head?"
The pirate replies, "Arrr, I got a bounty on me head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jalom/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man calls a doctor in a panic

"Doctor, doctor!" the man cries. "My son swallowed my pencil, and I don't know what to do!!"
"Now calm down," assured the doctor. "Tell me this:
...do you have a *pen?*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jakrb/a_man_calls_a_doctor_in_a_panic/
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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building...

The first says to the other, "I discovered last week that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds whipping around the skyscrapers will stop your fall and blow you right back up here."
"No way," replied the second man.
"Here, I'll prove it," said the first, and he jumped out the window. As he predicted, he fell a few feet and then returned right back through the window.
"Amazing!" exclaimed the second man, "Let me try that." He jumped, and fell all the way to the pavement below.
The bartender says to the first man, "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real asshole".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jairz/two_men_are_drinking_in_a_bar_at_the_top_of_the/
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Doctor: I'm afraid you have onomatopoeia

Man: Oh no what's that!
Doctor:  It's exactly what it sounds like

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jafgj/doctor_im_afraid_you_have_onomatopoeia/
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Wonderwoman was sunbathing naked on top of the justice league tower...

Superman was flying over and he had the idea that "hey I'm quick as lightning, I could go down there and have sex with her really quick then be out of there in a second." So he flies down, gets the job done and flies off. Wonderwoman jumps up and goes "what the hell was that?" Invisible man replies "I don't know but my ass really hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6jabyq/wonderwoman_was_sunbathing_naked_on_top_of_the/
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Pro Life Tip

PLT : Avoid Abortion Clinics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ja464/pro_life_tip/
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What is a pirate's favorite letter?

'Tis the C!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ja2n5/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
Why did the Piranha Plant start coughing?

Because Mario went down the wrong pipe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ja2ly/why_did_the_piranha_plant_start_coughing/
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What is Bruce Lees favorite drink?

Wataaaaah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ja0ys/what_is_bruce_lees_favorite_drink/
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I accidentally played dad instead of dead when I ran into a bear

Now he can ride a bike and has been through college.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ja0qr/i_accidentally_played_dad_instead_of_dead_when_i/
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Californian man & God

One day a man was walking down a Californian beach and he said aloud "god I want you to grant me one wish." Then god replied from the sky "okay John, you have been a very faithful and religious man, I can grant you one wish. What do you want?" John says " I want a highway that will allow me to drive all the way to Hawaii." God says "son, do you know how long it would take me to build all that concrete under the Pacific Ocean? It would take me ages! I could do it, but can you think of a wish that would benefit everyone?" The man thinks for a moment and replies "ok, God, can you please help me understand how women think, how they feel and why they are so moody all the time? It would really help men everywhere to understand these difficult women." God replies, "do you want 2 lanes or 4?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9zde/californian_man_god/
%
When I heard about 9-11...

Considering I was living in New York at the time, as it was happening it occurred to me how easily that it could have been me  involved
But then I realised I had no idea how to fly a plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9z2r/when_i_heard_about_911/
%
Why do neo-nazis drink milk?

Because they hate juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9yoj/why_do_neonazis_drink_milk/
%
If I was a serial killer my name would be "The Suspence"

So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"
And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9vh7/if_i_was_a_serial_killer_my_name_would_be_the/
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The Pope and an atheist are having an argument

After a few hours the pope turns to the atheist and says "You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there."
"Well" replies the atheist "we are not so dissimilar then. As you are also like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there but the only difference is you say you have found it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9vew/the_pope_and_an_atheist_are_having_an_argument/
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Florida Retirement Community...

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" exclaimed the woman. "So you're single?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9v1f/florida_retirement_community/
%
An homeless man asks a nun...

An homeless man asks a nun on the bus if she would have sex with him. She immediately declines his offer and slaps him in the face.
At the next stop, the nun gets off and heads her way home.  The homeless man gets off at the stop immediately after, but as he steps off, the bus driver stops him and says,
"Hey, if you want to have sex with that nun, she goes up to that graveyard every Tuesday at 2 A.M. and prays to that tombstone to pay respects to the man who passed away there. If you dress up as a ghost of him and tell her to have sex with you, I bet she will."
The homeless man immediately takes the bus driver's advice and gets a ghost costume set for the next Tuesday.
As Tuesday arrives the homeless man goes to the tombstone in the graveyard 15 minutes before 2 A.M.
At 2, the nun arrives and starts to pray as the homeless man jumps out.
"I am the ghost that haunts this grave, I demand you have sex with me.
The nun replies "okay, but we must have anal for I must keep my virginity for the church."
They get the dirty deeds done and as the homeless man finishes he runs away and yells out "haha! I was the homeless man!"
The nun looks back and takes off her disguise and says "haha! I was the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9umg/an_homeless_man_asks_a_nun/
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www.emergencyophthalmologists.com

Now there's a site for sore eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9u6k/wwwemergencyophthalmologistscom/
%
A soldier

Survived mustard gas in the battle , and then the pepper spray by the police. He is now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9tdl/a_soldier/
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A man named Theodore

works in a hospital and scans people for broken bones. Despite being the only person at the hospital who does this, he has never scanned anyone under the age of 18. He wonders why this is, and suddenly it hits him.
He's x-ray Ted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9t89/a_man_named_theodore/
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What does D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9t79/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
When you’re 60 who cares?

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you’re 60 who cares? I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?” I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin’" When you’re 60 who cares? I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.” Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re 60 ....who cares? I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then... try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When you’re 60 who cares? I got caught taking a piss in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you’re 60 who cares? I went to our club house last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re 60...............who cares?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9syp/when_youre_60_who_cares/
%
My son said "Dad, does wanking give you muscles?"

I replied "I'm not sure son, but don't stop, I'm about to cum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9s7g/my_son_said_dad_does_wanking_give_you_muscles/
%
A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.

Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Driver: “I’m guessing you think I was drunk driving.”
Officer: “Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I’ll let you go.”
Driver: (very quickly) “ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA.”
Officer: “Wow, I couldn’t do that sober.”
Driver: “Me neither.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9rx6/a_man_driving_home_from_the_bar_gets_pulled_over/
%
I went to the corner shop earlier to get some cigarettes.

The shopkeeper handed me a packet. The warning on it said, “Smokers Die Younger”.
I said, “No, not this one. My parents wouldn’t like that.”
He handed me another. The warning on it said, “Smoking Causes Cancer”.
I said, “No, not this one either. My doctor wouldn’t like that.”
He handed me another. The warning on it said, “Smoking Can Damage The Sperm And Causes Infertility”.
I said, “I’ll take this one. I don’t think that sock under my bed really gives a fuck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9rrp/i_went_to_the_corner_shop_earlier_to_get_some/
%
If nationalists got 100% of the seats in the Parliament...

...it would be all-right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9qms/if_nationalists_got_100_of_the_seats_in_the/
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You stupid idiots; I said cover your faeces

-- Love from Allah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9prm/you_stupid_idiots_i_said_cover_your_faeces/
%
I don't approve of political jokes.

I've seen too many of them get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9man/i_dont_approve_of_political_jokes/
%
I wish my lawn was Emo

So it would cut itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9l2r/i_wish_my_lawn_was_emo/
%
The sailor, the captain, and the barrel.

Once, there was a sailor. The captain welcomed him aboard as a new crew member.
The Sailor was just settling in when he notice that there were no female sailors. He was a hardy young man whole needed his fill of beer, bacon, and most of all: women. So the sailor went to the captain and asked him, "Captain, there are no women aboard, and i am a man who needs lots of women, how do solve this problem?"
The captain says, "There are other men aboard and they have the same concerns as you, lad. I too find it hard to be away from me wife. There hasn't been a women aboard in years, but we have found a solution to this problem. Follow me."
So the sailor follows the captain to the hold, and the captain leads the sailor to an inconspicuous barrel with a hole thats just the right size and just about the right hight. The captain says, "well, Lad, here tis our solution, just stick it in ye hole and have away."
The sailor looks incredulously at the captain. "Are you serious?!? A hole in a barrel?!?" "Just try it" and the captain walks away.
The sailor thinks that there could be no harm in trying and undoes his pants.
Fifteen minutes later the sailor climbs on deck with a huge smile.
"Wow, captain, that was amazing! I have bedded many women in my day and that barrel was better than most by far."
The captain replies, "Aye, thought you would like it. Feel free to use it any time, day or night.... except Tuesdays that is."
The sailor looks at the captain with a confused expression. "Why not Tuesdays?"
"Because Tuesdays are your day in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9icq/the_sailor_the_captain_and_the_barrel/
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An inspector, making his rounds, inspects an elementary school.

One teacher says to her class, "Treat him like you would the President of the United States."  Sure enough, later that day, the inspector walks in to see how the lesson is doing.  Just then, one of the students gets up, stomps over to the inspector, punches him in the gut, nicks his phone, and hides behind a curtain.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" shouts the teacher.
The kid says, "Deleting Twitter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9hxe/an_inspector_making_his_rounds_inspects_an/
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A girl goes up to her father and tells him she's a lesbian.

The father says, "That's ok sweetie, I love you no matter what." Noticing how he reacted, his second daughter decides to also tell him that she's also a lesbian. The father doesn't care and procedes to tell her that he loves her too. Finally the third daughter goes up to him and also says that she's a lesbian. The father feeling like the whole situation is ridiculous, yells out, "Holy shit doesn't anyone in this house like boys?"
His only son walks into the room and says, "I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9fyi/a_girl_goes_up_to_her_father_and_tells_him_shes_a/
%
What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9fww/whats_the_difference_between_my_ex_and_the_titanic/
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When the pastor said,"speak now or forever hold your peace."

At a wedding ceremony the pastor asked 'if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.'
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor.Everything quickly turned to chaos.The bride threw the bouquet and burst out crying.
Then slowly the groom's mother fainted.   The Best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward “What do you have to say?"  There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9fe1/when_the_pastor_saidspeak_now_or_forever_hold/
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What kind of gun would Jesus use if he were alive today?

A nail gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9eu3/what_kind_of_gun_would_jesus_use_if_he_were_alive/
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I want a pet duck

But can't get one in my town without an agricultural permit.
Oh, well. no farm, no fowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9cvw/i_want_a_pet_duck/
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My kid grew a foot in the last month.

Anyone know where I can buy shoes in sets of three?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9bxn/my_kid_grew_a_foot_in_the_last_month/
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Why was the ugly blind girl so surprised after sex?

Because she never saw it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9bf0/why_was_the_ugly_blind_girl_so_surprised_after_sex/
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An wealthy Italian business man and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant .....

when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But…. The decision is all yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Tony?” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” she replies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9b9c/an_wealthy_italian_business_man_and_wife_were/
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What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?

Thanks for coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j9720/what_does_the_receptionist_at_the_sperm_clinic/
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A man and a woman are having a date.

The woman remarks, “You know, you look totally like my third husband!”
The man is startled and asks, “Really, Laura, how many times have you been married?!”
“Twice.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j96q1/a_man_and_a_woman_are_having_a_date/
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I just got my best score on Sitar Hero 3!

I got five stars on "Curry On My Wayward Son"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j91s5/i_just_got_my_best_score_on_sitar_hero_3/
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A Funny Russian Joke

A farmer comes home one day.
"Some faggot stole our cow." he tells his sons.
One of the sons says: "If it's a faggot, then he's of short stature, if he's of short stature then he's from Govnyukino, the village next door, if he's from Govnyukino, then it's Vasya the Tractor Driver. So the sons go to Govnyukino, the village next door, find Vasya the Tractor Driver and beat him half to death. They demand that he give the cow back.
"I don't have your fucking cow!" yells Vasya in protest. So the father and his sons drag Vasya to the village judge. They tell the judge, "This faggot stole our cow."
"Prove it" says the judge.
"Well, there's nothing to prove really." says the son, "If he's a faggot, then he's of short stature. If he's of short stature, then he's from Govnyukino, the village next door. If he's from Govnyukino, then it must be Vasya the Tractor Driver."
"To hell with your proof. That ain't proof at all" So they argued back and forth. Finally, the judge pulls out a box and says: "Tell you what. If you can correctly guess what's in this box, then I'll believe your reasoning"
One of the sons says, "Well, the box is square, that means there's something round inside. If it's something round, then it's orange. If it's orange, then it's an orange"
The judge then opens the box, and lo behold it's an orange.
"Vasya, stop being a faggot and give the cow back" says the judge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8y2t/a_funny_russian_joke/
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One day a young man and woman

were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming, "Oh my gosh, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said, "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina.
The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said, "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."
So the doctor went deeper and deeper... After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed... The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud... The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8vsm/one_day_a_young_man_and_woman/
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A young grandson is talking to his grandfather.

"You know grandpa. Our generation is so much better then yours. We have video games, the internet, cell phones and so much cool technology. Your generation didn't have any of that!"
His grandfather replies;
"You're right, we didn't have any of those things around. That's why we had to invent them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8uu8/a_young_grandson_is_talking_to_his_grandfather/
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Radar gun

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.
Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"
I simply replied, " You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8tg8/radar_gun/
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Why do riot police like to get to work early?

... to beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8ptw/why_do_riot_police_like_to_get_to_work_early/
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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8mzd/yesterday_my_daughter_was_playing_in_the_garden/
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TIL lions perform oral sex on each other.

Talk about swallowing your pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8m1h/til_lions_perform_oral_sex_on_each_other/
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What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8llh/what_do_9_out_of_10_people_enjoy/
%
Why did the almost blind man fall into a well?

Because he couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8k9k/why_did_the_almost_blind_man_fall_into_a_well/
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"You said you had between ten and fifteen million dollars in the bank," she yelled.

"I didn't lie," I replied, "I've got exactly $23."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8iuq/you_said_you_had_between_ten_and_fifteen_million/
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I went to a wife swapping party the other night.

Came back with a great stereo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8hut/i_went_to_a_wife_swapping_party_the_other_night/
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Today I made a spear and threw it to the other side of a river

It wasn't very productive, but at least I got my point across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8hth/today_i_made_a_spear_and_threw_it_to_the_other/
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Why do blondes travel in odd-numbered packs?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8hj0/why_do_blondes_travel_in_oddnumbered_packs/
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My therapist told me "Write letters to people you hate, then burn them."

Did that, but now what do I do with the letters?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8gwr/my_therapist_told_me_write_letters_to_people_you/
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What do you call an Alien with three eyes?

Aliiien!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8gg3/what_do_you_call_an_alien_with_three_eyes/
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Did you hear the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8fqz/did_you_hear_the_rumor_going_around_about_butter/
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I hit a frog driving down the highway

Had to get my car toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8fcx/i_hit_a_frog_driving_down_the_highway/
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My parents have been saving embarrassing videos and stories of me for my entire life, hoping to one day show the person that chooses to marry me.

Jokes on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8exp/my_parents_have_been_saving_embarrassing_videos/
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My favorite machine at the gym is

The vending machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8dxs/my_favorite_machine_at_the_gym_is/
%
A boy and his father were walking down the streets of New York..

The boy passed a fancy jewelry store and saw an expensive watch that he wanted to buy. "Can I have this dad?" "Sorry, we can't afford that right now," the dad replied, and they walked away from the store. That night, the father thought about how he hadn't been able to provide for his family, and decided to end his struggles once and for all. He signed up for a controversial new game show where the contestant sits in a chair for an hour, then at midnight he is either shocked to death or showered with a million dollars. Several people had put their lives on the line before, and millions watched as some contestants became rich and others were killed. The boy's father felt that he had no other choice, and at 11pm he sat down in the chair and the camera started rolling. Whenever the show aired the whole world watched, so naturally the young boy was sitting in front of the tv when it started. As soon as he saw his dad sitting in the chair, he ran out the door to the filming studio in New York City. After about an hour of running, he burst through the doors of the studio and ran up to his dad. Not knowing how much time his dad had left before midnight, the boy frantically yelled to him "What time is it?!" His dad looked up at him as a bell rang and millions of dollars rained down from above. He picked up his son and smiled at him. "Time for you to get a watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8byo/a_boy_and_his_father_were_walking_down_the/
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What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graaiiinsss....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8a74/what_do_vegetarian_zombies_eat/
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A man is at the hospital..

....waiting for his son to be born. The doctor calls the man in. He enters the room and the doctor is holding the baby, doctor says "Sir, this is gonna seem odd but your baby can fly."
Before the man can say anything the Doctor drops the baby, and hits the floor, the mans jaw drops.
Doctor says "he was doing it a minute ago, let's try again" and throws the baby at the wall, again hitting it.
Man now in tears begs him to stop, doc says "one more try" and throws the baby out the window.
The man is now crying hysterically and yelling, doctor laughs and says "Relax, kid was dead when you walked in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8a10/a_man_is_at_the_hospital/
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How do you properly tell a joke about rape?

You ask for permission first, then you tell it anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j87p7/how_do_you_properly_tell_a_joke_about_rape/
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How do you commemorate the life and works of a porn star, after they have died?

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j86k9/how_do_you_commemorate_the_life_and_works_of_a/
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When Americans annoys Russians .

There was a group of Americans camping in the wild forest , suddenly there was a black bear walking towards them so they ran away recklessly .
However they accidentally destroyed Russians' campsites when escaping from black bear,  how could Russians let them go like this ?  They caught up the Americans and gave them a lesson with iron fists .
On their way back to the campsite , one Russian man shouted  : "  those American sissies are just fucking weak shrimps , and only one hairy black guy was just kinda tough ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j862p/when_americans_annoys_russians/
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Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...
And slightly to the left...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j838w/make_fun_of_kim_kardashians_baby_name_choice_for/
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The Aussie House Wife

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.
“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said.
“S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber.”
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor.
“No way, we can’t do it!” Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B.”
“Plan B?” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”
“I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her.” replied Cobber.
“Spot on.” Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”
“Play with her nipples?” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”
“No…” Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j81qu/the_aussie_house_wife/
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Face is a four letter word…

But preface is a foreword letter…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j8142/face_is_a_four_letter_word/
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A man and a woman are in the middle of a dark forest... [NSFW]

Feeling a bit frisky, the young couple start to have sex. After about 15 minutes, the man gets up and says
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!"
The woman replies with
"Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j7zh8/a_man_and_a_woman_are_in_the_middle_of_a_dark/
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I asked a red headed friend of mine what I could do to be just like him.

His response was "You have to go through the long and tough process of becoming a redhead." So, as of today, I have started the process of being trans-gingered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j7vfm/i_asked_a_red_headed_friend_of_mine_what_i_could/
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A man rushes into the doctors' office and says "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The Doc says, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually"

To this, the man shrieks and responds "Everyone? Oh lord, what have I done?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j7u9s/a_man_rushes_into_the_doctors_office_and_says/
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My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j7sdu/my_therapist_told_me_write_letters_to_the_people/
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Jerry is that you?

said Tom.
Jerry - "Oh my god, Tom! I haven't seen you since college!"
Tom - "Yea it's been a while, how are things?"
Jerry - "Not bad, I think I've done pretty well for myself.  I ended up finishing that Bachelor's of Fine Arts and spend my time painting.  I love it, wouldn't give it up for the world!  How bout you?  You end up finishing your degree?"
Tom - "Yep, Software Engineering.  I make a pretty comfortable living and it's rewarding work.  I can't believe it, it's been so long.  It was great catching up with you."
Jerry - "It was, it was.  Just one last question."
Tom - "Shoot."
Jerry - "Would you like fries or onion rings with your burger?"
Tom - "Fries."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j7rpk/jerry_is_that_you/
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Two men are in the woods...

One man completely drops dead, eyes completely white, and his heart stops, the other man freaks out, and calls 911, they say to "Make sure he is dead." A gunshot is heard and the man asks:
"Okay, what now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j7qgi/two_men_are_in_the_woods/
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I asked the blonde lady, "Why do you have TGIF written on your shoes?"

She replied, "Toes Go In First"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j7oz3/i_asked_the_blonde_lady_why_do_you_have_tgif/
%
1/6 russian roulette players

Finds russian roulette mind blowing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j7o3y/16_russian_roulette_players/
%
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun and points it at the teller…

“Give me all your money or you’re geography.” he says.
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j7kxj/a_guy_walks_into_the_bank_pulls_out_a_gun_and/
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How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They shoot the room for being black and beat up the bulb for being broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j7k5r/how_many_lapd_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Do you know the sex position called "rodeo"?

It's when you mount your partner doggy style, say "this is how your sister likes it as well" and try to stay in as long as you can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j7jrk/do_you_know_the_sex_position_called_rodeo/
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The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am."
"You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.
"You must be a Democrat."
"I am. How did you know?"
"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve been no help."
"You must be a Republican."
"Yes. How did you know?"
"You’ve risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn’t keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault."
(Old but gold)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j7gee/the_difference_between_republicans_and_democrats/
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A priest is taking confessions late on a quiet night...

...and after a while hears a man stumble up to the booth, clumsily enter and sit down.  The priest can clearly smell the reek of alchol and assumes the gentlemen is rather drunk.
The priest waits for the man to begin but after several minutes of silence he starts to wonder if the man has fallen asleep.  Politely he knocks on the wall but nothing happens.  After another minute he knocks again, louder.  After more silence he heavily thumps the wall, shaking the booth a little.
"Alight, alright.  I hear you," says the drunk.  "There's no point knocking though, I can't find any paper on this side either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j7fr6/a_priest_is_taking_confessions_late_on_a_quiet/
%
An Amish man and his son are exploring a department store

They look on in amazement at all the items available in all the different departments. As they venture further into the store, the man and his son come across an elevator. The man stares in bilwilderment at what this strange machine does when an old, obese woman in a electronic wheelchair scoots by, pushes the button and enters the lift. The man and his son watch on in confusion as the doors swallow the woman and elevator begins to hum.
Within a few minutes there is a loud "ding" as the lift open its doors and the jaw of the man drops as a hot, sexy blonde strides out and smiles as she passes. The man turns to his son astounded and says "..Go get your mother".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j78ra/an_amish_man_and_his_son_are_exploring_a/
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I got stopped by the Police!

I got stopped by the police around 3am last night. The officer asked me where I was going at that time of night...
I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
I replied, "That would be my wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j78ir/i_got_stopped_by_the_police/
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What does a terrorist say when his post reaches the front page ?

Wow, this blew up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j77wc/what_does_a_terrorist_say_when_his_post_reaches/
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

They're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j75j7/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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What's black, long and something you should never cut into?

The KFC line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j74fm/whats_black_long_and_something_you_should_never/
%
I use to own an online shop selling dildo's but I was forced to sell it.....

There was too much stiff competition!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j73j1/i_use_to_own_an_online_shop_selling_dildos_but_i/
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A child with cancer goes skydiving for his bucket list

He's now at terminal velocity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j73iz/a_child_with_cancer_goes_skydiving_for_his_bucket/
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A beautiful girl...

...was giving a pedicure to a man who was at the same time also getting a shave at a salon. The man says”
"What about a date later?"
"Am married", she replied.
The man said:
"So?, call your husband and tell him you are going to visit a girlfriend"
She said:
"You should tell him yourself, he is shaving you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j72dd/a_beautiful_girl/
%
What do you call an Italian slum?

Spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j70m3/what_do_you_call_an_italian_slum/
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An Arab enters a taxi.

After he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel’s and certainly no radio ........ So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him:
“What are you doing man?”
The Cabbie answers: “In the time of the prophet there
were no taxis. So get out and wait for a camel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j70aw/an_arab_enters_a_taxi/
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I dig. You dig. We dig. He dig. She dig. They dig.

It's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j6xya/i_dig_you_dig_we_dig_he_dig_she_dig_they_dig/
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To be frank...

I'd have to change my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j6wgv/to_be_frank/
%
Kentucky Freud Chicken...

It's motherfuckin' good!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j6qof/kentucky_freud_chicken/
%
Harambe the gorilla walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

The bartender says, "I don't serve gorillas here."
Harambe says, "you better or I'm gonna do something terrible."
The bartenders say, "oh yeah! Like what?"
Harambe points to a women slumped against the bar and says, "I'm gonna go over there and eat that woman!"
The bartender say, "no you're not!"
So Harambe goes over to the woman, grabs her by the ankles, lifts her up and and proceeds to gobble her up.  He wipes his mouth looks at the bartender and asks, "what are you gonna do now?"
The bartender look him in the face and says, "I'm gonna watch you pass out."
Harambe asks, "how's that gonna happen?"
"Cause that's a barbiturate!" Says the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j6pqb/harambe_the_gorilla_walked_into_a_bar_and_ordered/
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What did the duvet say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j6pgl/what_did_the_duvet_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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John is an elementary school teacher,

and in particular enjoys teaching mathematics and crafting. However, one year, his students are rather uninterested in their arithmetic homework. Since John is a dedicated teacher, he decides to come up with a new way to teach his students.
He takes some cubical blocks of wood, and writes various simple operations on the faces, such as addition and subtraction, to make a sort of die. He also creates a set of cards with numbers on them.
Using these two materials, he is able to construct a game for his kids. It is a massive success, and the children instantly become much more interested in their arithmetic homework, so they can become faster at their sums and products and beat their peers at this game. Indeed, some of the worse performers actually ask for additional practice. The idea is so successful that it quickly spreads to the other classrooms and starts getting picked up in nearby schools. At the end of the school year the principal commends John for his work and creativity and awards him the Teacher of the Year.
John is incredibly pleased with himself, and decides to visit a bar to celebrate. He starts up a conversation with the bartender, and as it turns out, the bartender's friend's daughter goes to the school John teaches at, and has gotten much more interested in mathematics with this game.
John happens to have a new, more advanced prototype die in his pocket, and the bartender asks to see it. He turns it around, and notices that there are indeed some more complex operators on the faces. However, he finds it strange that there should be logarithms on there - after all, these were supposed to be mental calculations, and logarithms were definitely not easy to compute mentally if the
number was not round. Confused, the bartender asks John,
Why the ln face?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j6otg/john_is_an_elementary_school_teacher/
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I'm the humanoid version of Windows95..

I'm slow, past my prime, constantly crashing, and no longer supported.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j6g6z/im_the_humanoid_version_of_windows95/
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What does a pig fill in it's pen?

Oink
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j6fpo/what_does_a_pig_fill_in_its_pen/
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What's the best way to freak out your gynecologist?

Become a ventriloquist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j6f0t/whats_the_best_way_to_freak_out_your_gynecologist/
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If I had a dollar for every racist comment I ever made.....

I'd probably get robbed by a black guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j6dct/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_racist_comment_i_ever/
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Another penguin joke.

So a penguin is driving around town when he car starts having some issues. Worried he pulls into a mechanic shop to get it looked at. The walrus working there needs 20 minutes to check it over so the penguin decides to waddle around to waste time and ends up grabbing some vanilla ice cream.
In his delight of his snack and enjoying the sights he ends up getting vanilla ice cream all over his mouth but doesn't have anything to clean it off so he heads back to the shop since it's almost time for the mechanic to be done.
Walking up to the shop the mechanic looks over to him and says "Well it looks like you blew a seal"
"oh?" Says the penguin "oh, no this is just vanilla ice cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j6c3g/another_penguin_joke/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j6a3a/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
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One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j69nx/one_day_a_wife_came_home_early_and_found_her/
%
Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out burning fires.
Why do elephants have big feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
First and last original joke from 6 year old self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j69dc/why_do_ducks_have_webbed_feet/
%
Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j68tk/jesus_once_said_he_who_lives_by_the_sword_will/
%
Did you hear about the guy that had explosive diarrhea whilst camping?

That shit was in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j68t0/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_had_explosive/
%
I think I want to be a garbage man.

I hear the industry is picking up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j67ym/i_think_i_want_to_be_a_garbage_man/
%
I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j67ic/i_was_on_a_blind_date_with_this_girl/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got hit by a soda can?

Lucky it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j668t/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_hit_by_a_soda/
%
Why didn't the burger king get the dairy queen pregnant?

Because the whopper always comes in a wrapper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j6584/why_didnt_the_burger_king_get_the_dairy_queen/
%
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j644u/what_is_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
%
A dad walks in on his son masterbating.

"Son you can't be masterbating."
"But why?" says his son.
Caught off guard the dad trys his best explaining without going into the whole birds and the bees.
A couple incidents later and much more explaning, the dad is still with no success. Finally the dads gives in and says to his son, "You can't be doing that, *it's not good for you*."
"But why?"
"Because son, you'll go blind!"
"Ah ok!" ths son replies. "I don't want that!"
Certain he finally took care of the problem, the dad is finally at peace
A couple days later the dad walks in once more. "Son, what did I tell you about doing that!?"
"I know dad, but I'll stop once I start needing glasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j63qq/a_dad_walks_in_on_his_son_masterbating/
%
A husband loses his credit card.....

He decides to not report it stolen, because the thief is spending less money than his wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j62ro/a_husband_loses_his_credit_card/
%
I asked a Frenchman if he played video games.

He said Wii.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j62ld/i_asked_a_frenchman_if_he_played_video_games/
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There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France.

De-brie everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j62bk/there_was_an_explosion_at_a_cheese_factory_in/
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I went to a Carl's Jr. the other day and noticed it was incredibly cold inside...

Turns out I was at Brrrrr-ger King.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j62af/i_went_to_a_carls_jr_the_other_day_and_noticed_it/
%
What food does United Airlines serve?

Chinese take out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j605k/what_food_does_united_airlines_serve/
%
Why don't dolphins make mistakes?

They do everything on porpoise.
I thought of this myself, but I'm probably late to the punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j5zou/why_dont_dolphins_make_mistakes/
%
I wanted to be a teacher...

But I didn't have the class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j5w6n/i_wanted_to_be_a_teacher/
%
I was SO close to being in a threesome...

... I just needed two other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j5v8s/i_was_so_close_to_being_in_a_threesome/
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An old Jewish man wins the lottery...

An old Jewish man wins the lottery.
He invites his whole family to his home to celebrate the wonderful occasion. As his family is eating around the dinner table, the old man taps his fork against his Manichevitz glass to get everyone's attention. He looks out at the sea of faces around his dinner table, before smiling and speaking.
"I want each and every one of you to know that this is not MY money. This is OUR money. I promise that every one of you will see a piece of this. Shmuley, you're getting that car you've needed since the old one died and Ruth, you're going to take that trip to Italy that you always had to put off."
The table cheers with some people wiping away tears of joy.
"That being said, this all has to come after I've repaid a debt which is owed."
The table goes quiet as the old man's son get's up and puts his hand on his father's shoulder. "Dad, why didn't you tell us you were having money problems? We could have helped you!"
The old man shakes his head while placing his hand atop his son's.
"That's not it. You see, I've decided that I'm giving half of the money to the American Nazi Party."
The table looks at the man flabergasted before people start cursing and screaming and getting up to leave his house. The old man just barely gets ahead of them to block the door.
"PLEASE, WAIT! YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND" the old man says as he starts rolling his sleeve and revealing his Holocaust tattoo. "THEY GAVE ME THE WINNING NUMBERS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j5ubj/an_old_jewish_man_wins_the_lottery/
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A guy goes out looking for a union whorehouse

A proud Union member  goes to an area well known for its brothels . He walks into the first whorehouse and says the Madam, "Is this a union whorehouse?"
The Madam replies, "No, it's not."
"Well," he says,"I want to make sure that the girls are treated fairly. What's the split here? How much do the girls get and how much does the house get?"
The Madam responds, "The girl gets 25%, and the house gets 75%." .
The man storms off in a huff and goes to the next house and says the Madam, "Is this a union whorehouse?"
The Madam replies, "No."
"Well," he says,"I want to make sure that the girls are treated fairly. What's the split here? How much do the girls get and how much does the house get?"
The Madam responds, "The girl gets 30%, and the house gets 70%."
Furious, he decides to take his business elsewhere. He walks into the third house and goes up to the madam. "Is this a union whorehouse?"
Surprised by the question, The Madam says, "Why, yes it is."
The union man smiles. "What's the split between the house and the girl?", he asks.
Again surprised by a question she's never heard before, the Madam replies, "It's 50% to the house and 50% to the girl."
The man breaks into a very broad grin. He points at the cutest young blonde whore in the house and says, "I'll take her!"
"Not so fast", says The Madam, waiving over an old woman, easily 70 years old, in lingerie. "You have to go with Gladys here. She has seniority."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j5tmk/a_guy_goes_out_looking_for_a_union_whorehouse/
%
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.
"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."
"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"
"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age."
"Fine. Well what other things do you have?"
"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?"
"Pop." Goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j5rwt/a_13_year_old_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two old guys are drinking

Two elderly men are out drinking one evening. They've been friends since childhood and they are both approaching their 80th birthdays. As they sit at the bar and reminisce about their lives one of the men glances across the bar and sees another couple of buddies who are also up in years out drinking as well. The man elbows his friend and says "Hey, you see those two old geezers over there drinking on the other side of the bar? That's gonna be us in 10 years." His buddy looks at him dumbfounded and says "That's a mirror dipshit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j5mzn/two_old_guys_are_drinking/
%
Israeli tourist

An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j5lcm/israeli_tourist/
%
I got into an argument with a chinese man...

He was Wong I was white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j5g2i/i_got_into_an_argument_with_a_chinese_man/
%
Where do babies go out to eat?

Breastaurants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j5eqe/where_do_babies_go_out_to_eat/
%
What do you do when you're in a busy city and you need to take a huge dump?

First things first, you find a decent plastic bag asap.
Then, you need to takes your pants off and be in a squat.
Take the plastic bag.........
put it over your head so that people don't see your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j5cdo/what_do_you_do_when_youre_in_a_busy_city_and_you/
%
A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them.

After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, screws them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep screwing, and upon returning home falls exhausted into bed.
The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is beeping the horn.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j5bjm/a_new_farmer_buys_several_sheep_hoping_to_breed/
%
Never stare at a dog with a prosthetic foot...

...it's a faux paw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j59m8/never_stare_at_a_dog_with_a_prosthetic_foot/
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What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j57qy/whats_the_difference_between_3_cocks_and_a_joke/
%
Why did the Muslim only order a side of french fries?

Because he prefers his food Allah carte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j57q7/why_did_the_muslim_only_order_a_side_of_french/
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I went to the Islamic book store

in London and asked if they have the book about Muslim deportation.
The guy says get the hell out of here and never come back.
I replied yes that's the one, how much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j541v/i_went_to_the_islamic_book_store/
%
What is the most common attire during WWII?

Casual Tees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j53ag/what_is_the_most_common_attire_during_wwii/
%
Pessimist: The glass is half empty...

Optimist: The glass is half full
Journalist: You won't BELIEVE what's in this glass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j51nm/pessimist_the_glass_is_half_empty/
%
My girlfriend told me she wanted someone who treated her like a princess

So I hired paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j507y/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_wanted_someone_who/
%
How do you start a rave in Israel?

You stick a quarter to the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4zuo/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_israel/
%
What do you call the cleavage of a girl with fake boobs?

Silicon Valley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4xxs/what_do_you_call_the_cleavage_of_a_girl_with_fake/
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A blonde is on break from college and needs some spending money...

...so she goes around town knocking on doors looking for work. She comes to a sizeable house in a wealthy neighborhood and knocks. An older gentleman answers.
"Sir, I'm on college break and desperately need some extra money, are there any jobs you might need done around the house?"
The man thought for a moment and said, "I really can't think of anything I could have you do."
The girl pleaded, "Please, i can do anything even if it's just raking leaves."
The man though some more then said, "Oh! You could repaint my brand new porch. It was just done a few months back but I absolutely hate the color, I even have the paint already bought and in the garage. How much would you charge for something like that?"
The girl replied "Oh, 50 dollars should be plenty."
The man thinks about how huge his back porch is that wraps around 3 of the 4 side of his house and thinks "This is too good to be true." Then gladly sends her on her job.
Only an hour later she returns to the door with paint on her clothes. "All done sir!" She says.
The man cannot believe it. "How could you have finished the entire porch in such a short time?!"
The girl says "I kept a steady pace, and even managed to put three coats on it before I ran out of paint."
The man thanks her and gladly pays her for the work.
She takes the money and gets in her car while the guy is walking around the house to see her paint job.
She rolls down the window, leans out, and yells "Oh, and by the way, that's not a porch(e)... that's a Lamborghini" and speeds off happy as can be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4u61/a_blonde_is_on_break_from_college_and_needs_some/
%
God put a match head and a small piece of wood together

It was a match made in heaven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4tn3/god_put_a_match_head_and_a_small_piece_of_wood/
%
How do you make a hormone?

You don't pay her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4sle/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
Steve Jobs would have been a much better president than Donald Trump

But its a silly comparison really, like comparing apples to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4p3i/steve_jobs_would_have_been_a_much_better/
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Why do we dress baby boys in blue and baby girls in pink?

Because they can't dress themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4ory/why_do_we_dress_baby_boys_in_blue_and_baby_girls/
%
If you start going bald, get rabbits tattooed all over your head.

Until you get up close they look just like hares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4o77/if_you_start_going_bald_get_rabbits_tattooed_all/
%
A pirate ship is sailing in the ocean when an enemy ship approaches...

"Captain, an enemy ship approaches!" A crew member shouted from the crow's nest.
The captain turned to his first mate and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate, somewhat confused, ran to the captain's quarters and brought the captain his red shirt. They battled the enemy ship and won.
A few days later, there was another shout from the crow's nest.
"Captain, two enemy ships are approaching!"
The captain again turned to his first mate and said, "Bring me my red shirt." Still confused, the first mate brought the captain his red shirt. They battled the two enemy ships and surprisingly won.
The first mate went to the captain and asked him why he always wore the red shirt when they went to battle.
"Well, if I were to ever get wounded during a fight," the captain explained, "I don't want the enemy to see my blood and think I'm weak, so I wear the red shirt to hide it."
The first mate thought this was very smart of the captain, so he was prepared to bring him the red shirt when he heard the cry from the crow's nest.
"Captain, TWENTY ENEMY SHIPS are approaching!"
The captain turned to his first mate and said, "Bring me my brown pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4nup/a_pirate_ship_is_sailing_in_the_ocean_when_an/
%
Son: For $20, I’ll be good.

Dad: Oh, yeah?  When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4lav/son_for_20_ill_be_good/
%
Why wasn't the giant squid terrorising ships last night?

He was too busy Kraken open a cold one with the buoys!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4j7u/why_wasnt_the_giant_squid_terrorising_ships_last/
%
I was having a lot of back pain in Egypt

So I called the cairopractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4fxh/i_was_having_a_lot_of_back_pain_in_egypt/
%
Garlic powder $5.99. Steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99.

Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless.
(The most common first comment I see for every joke is "repost". I just made this one up. If someone came up with the same punchline before, guess what, it's a coincidence. Great minds think alike)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4elf/garlic_powder_599_steak_seasoning_1499_pepper/
%
I once ordered a white Russian...

We're married now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4cxu/i_once_ordered_a_white_russian/
%
What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but isn't a father?

A faux pa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j4ceh/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_tells_dad_jokes_but/
%
I had a threesome last night

There were a couple of no-shows, but it was a good night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j45uz/i_had_a_threesome_last_night/
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Respect the dead

A young man went to a funeral. While being there he noticed that the church had a wireless network.
Hey, what is the wifi password?
A sad relative said:
Respect the dead!
And the boy asked:
All in lowercase?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j43yv/respect_the_dead/
%
what does a baby computer call its parents?

data & motherboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j41rh/what_does_a_baby_computer_call_its_parents/
%
How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j40f5/how_do_farmers_party/
%
The director of EA walks into a bar

*Download the punchline for only 4.99*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j3z6h/the_director_of_ea_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A Canadian sniper hit a target from 2 miles

When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j3qg2/a_canadian_sniper_hit_a_target_from_2_miles/
%
If I had a nickel for every existential crisis I've ever had...

Does money even matter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j3qee/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_existential_crisis/
%
When I heard my new job required passing a drug test.....

Boy was I excited. Finally a test in a subject I know about!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j3q6h/when_i_heard_my_new_job_required_passing_a_drug/
%
Two Jewish men are talking.

Shlomo:  Oh Haim, you wouldn’t believe it. Last night, the wife and I were about to have sex, and I prematurely ejaculated. How embarrassing!
Haim: Oh no, what happened?
Shlomo: She comes home after shopping and says she got new lingerie. She says I should sit right there and she will model it for me.
Haim: Oh boy!
Shlomo: So she puts it on and comes back into the room. She starts to do a sexy dance while slowly removing her new bought lingerie.
Haim: It must have been something.
Shlomo: Oh yeah. I was getting quite aroused. She finally removed her lingerie off completely and threw it at me while standing there completely naked. That’s when I climaxed, I just couldn’t hold it.
Haim: Whow, your wife must have a smoking body!
Shlomo: Nah, it wasn’t her body.
Haim: Well, I guess her dancing is super sexy!
Shlomo: Nah, wasn’t that either.
Haim: So what was it?
Shlomo: The tag said 50% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j3q1e/two_jewish_men_are_talking/
%
Knock knock..

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Old Lady.
Old Lady who?
Huh, didn't know you could yodel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j3jp0/knock_knock/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender...

I'd have $1.77 and a ton of counterfeits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j3jmc/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
A young couple couldn't get pregnant.

They tried everything so the wife could conceive including going to the fertility doctor, but nothing worked. Finally, at church one Sunday they asked their priest for advice. The priest told them to go to the Vatican and light a candle. Several years later, the priest decides to pay the couple a visit. He rings the doorbell, and is met by an army of little runts. He asks one of the older boys,
"Where's Mommy?"
"She's at a maternity ward. I'm gonna have a sister" says the boy
"What about Daddy?" asks the priest
"He went to the Vatican to blow out some damn candle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j3jfk/a_young_couple_couldnt_get_pregnant/
%
Quasimodo passed away

After years of hanging out in the bell tower, Quasimodo got drunk and careless and slipped over a rail, falling to his death one cold night.
The cathedral HR department put out a posting to get a replacement for him, but due to the eerie nature of the bell tower, they only got one response - Quasimodo's brother. They called him in for an interview.
The first thing the bell tower manager noticed was that the applicant had no arms.  He said "What makes you think you can be a bell ringer with no arms?".
Quasimodo's brother replied "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do."  So they went up to the bell tower and Quasimodo's brother ran across the tower and rammed his face into the bells, bouncing from one to another to make them peal like they had never before.
The manager gave him the job right on the spot not just because of the way the bells rang but because this also filled one of the federally mandated hiring quota slots.
After several weeks of glorious carillons, things seemed to be going well.  Until one night when it started raining....
The poor man ran across the bell tower as usual, but slipped in a puddle and fell down to his death.  People all ran out and gathered around the body and tried to figure out who he was.   The mayor looked closely at him and said "I can't remember what his name is, but his face rings a bell."
And the bell tower manager said "I don't know his name either, but he's a dead-ringer for his brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j3jfo/quasimodo_passed_away/
%
Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants?

In case they get a hole in one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j3ih7/why_do_golfers_wear_2_pairs_of_pants/
%
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...

One day I lobster and never flounder again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j3gts/i_had_a_girlfriend_that_went_scuba_diving/
%
Where’s the best Place to hide After a Murder?

Behind a Badge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j3fcd/wheres_the_best_place_to_hide_after_a_murder/
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What's a bodybuilder's favorite movie?

Fifty Shakes of Whey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j3d2g/whats_a_bodybuilders_favorite_movie/
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Dark humour is like a child with cancer

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j389s/dark_humour_is_like_a_child_with_cancer/
%
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j37w7/what_did_the_buddhist_say_to_the_hot_dog_vendor/
%
What do you call a dog that likes music?

A subwoofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j359r/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_likes_music/
%
What do you call the spot between a girl's pussy and asshole?

It's called a driving range. It's where you hit your balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j34km/what_do_you_call_the_spot_between_a_girls_pussy/
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TIL that nobody living in my country can legally be buried in it.

It may be because they're alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j33ap/til_that_nobody_living_in_my_country_can_legally/
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Anesthesia

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, “I can’t do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.
“So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
“What are those?” he asked.” Viagra,” she replied.
“I’ll be damned,” said the patient, “I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” said the dentist, “But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j31ge/anesthesia/
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The doctor told my grandpa, he had one week to live, but my grandpa proved him wrong against all the odds.

He died the next morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j2yai/the_doctor_told_my_grandpa_he_had_one_week_to/
%
One of my buddies just got back from a convention for women with no legs...

He said the place was crawling with pussy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j2xfw/one_of_my_buddies_just_got_back_from_a_convention/
%
My girlfriend left me because of her strong beliefs...

She strongly believed I had money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j2txp/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_of_her_strong/
%
So I walked into a sex shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll
Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?
Me: I'd like a female.
Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?
Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?
Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j2q3c/so_i_walked_into_a_sex_shop_the_other_day/
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If the number 666 is considered evil...

does that mean that 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j2my9/if_the_number_666_is_considered_evil/
%
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next
to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot
when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."  The man looks around and
doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He
looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts
the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10
inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You
must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to
take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think
frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3
wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and
doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man
golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
"OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,
"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The
man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man
figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back
across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the
best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this
money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl."
And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j2ltk/a_man_takes_the_day_off_work_and_decides_to_go/
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A guy came up to me in the pub and asked me if I'd seen his wife.

Apparently "haven't we all" was enough of a reason to smack me in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j2k30/a_guy_came_up_to_me_in_the_pub_and_asked_me_if_id/
%
Would we still cut down trees if they could scream?

maybe, if they screamed all the time, and for no good reason...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j2j3i/would_we_still_cut_down_trees_if_they_could_scream/
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What do you call a religious slice of pizza?

Cheezus Crust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j2d2p/what_do_you_call_a_religious_slice_of_pizza/
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Why do women get yeast infections?

So they know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j2a5p/why_do_women_get_yeast_infections/
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How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j29yo/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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[NSFW] The penguin.

A guy goes to the whorehouse but he's strapped for cash.
"What can I get for 5 bucks?”
"5 bucks... That'll get you a 'penguin.' Rose! Come, take this man back and give him a penguin."
Rose takes the man to her room, undoes his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. But right before he is getting ready to come, she gets up and walks away.
The man becomes upset and, with his pants still around his ankles, waddles after her. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j29he/nsfw_the_penguin/
%
You want to become a necrophiliac?

Over my dead body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j25ao/you_want_to_become_a_necrophiliac/
%
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

Just look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j2571/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_a_snow_storm/
%
What kind of birds always stick together?

Velcrows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j249c/what_kind_of_birds_always_stick_together/
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Yoyo girl, are you a zero APR loan?

Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j23qn/yoyo_girl_are_you_a_zero_apr_loan/
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'One-One' was a racehorse.

'One-two' was one too. One-one won one race, and One-two won one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j1yci/oneone_was_a_racehorse/
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People tell me I'm condescending.

*That means I talk down to people.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j1wsv/people_tell_me_im_condescending/
%
A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before.  He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned.  When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money.  This was just Target practice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j1tl8/a_man_walks_into_target/
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Knock Knock.

A psychic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j1sp2/knock_knock/
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The Bar with the Golden Toilet

A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.
"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with young, gorgeous, single, women."
"Well let's go next Friday then!"
"Aye, and that's where the problem lies. Like I said, it was all you can drink, so I had my fill and my memory is pretty fuzzy. All I can remember about the place is it had big purple double doors in the front and a golden toilet in the restroom."
"A golden toilet?"
"Aye, a golden toilet. Even in my blacked out state I can remember thinking how strange it was for the toilet to be painted gold."
The pair decide they are going to find this bar with the $2 drinks, gorgeous gals, big purple doors, and a golden toilet. The next Friday they head out and catch a cab. They explain to the cab driver what they are looking for and he says it doesn't sound familiar, but if it's in this city he will find it.
So, after driving all over town without much luck they finally pull up to this little dive bar and lo and behold it has over-sized double doors painted a bright purple. The guy gets excited and tells his buddy, "I think this is it!"
The bar hasn't opened up yet for the night, but they notice the bartender bringing out a bag of trash to the dumpster, so they go over to ask him about it.
"Hey, does this place have golden toilets?"
The bartender is confused. "What?!?"
"Does this place have golden toilets? I was in the best bar of my life last week and the only thing I can remember is it has purple doors like this one and a golden toilet in the men's room."
The bartender thinks for a minute, seems to realize what is going on, then opens up the door to bar and yells, "Hey Sam, I think I found the guy that took a dump in your tuba last week!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j1g1f/the_bar_with_the_golden_toilet/
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Typical macho man...

...married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "Nope, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night......  whether you’re here or not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j17ss/typical_macho_man/
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What do you get when you cross a Sahara with a jar of peanuts?

Damn thirsty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j1752/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_sahara_with_a/
%
One summer day...

...a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."
So, he tied her up and went golfing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j16rt/one_summer_day/
%
Sad Husband

A depressed husband said to his wife: “ You are my only investment that has doubled.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j16b9/sad_husband/
%
A lesbian couple gets married and decides to only get 1 diamond ring between them

Two birds, one stone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j14ii/a_lesbian_couple_gets_married_and_decides_to_only/
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At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode towards Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, cheek-flapping, eyes-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a most ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Putin and explained, "President Putin, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you
understand that there are some things even a Queen
cannot control."
Mr. Putin, the legendary Russian, replied, "Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn’t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j14go/at_heathrow_airport_in_england/
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Darth Vader was the first black guy to.....

admit that he's the father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j12ct/darth_vader_was_the_first_black_guy_to/
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Delayed Comprehension

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j0uu6/delayed_comprehension/
%
My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!”

I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!”
Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j0ua9/my_grandpa_said_your_generation_relies_too_much/
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Two black youngsters arrested for smoking dope

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor.I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says."I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j0su0/two_black_youngsters_arrested_for_smoking_dope/
%
My Boss Told Me Have a Good Day....

So I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j0sl3/my_boss_told_me_have_a_good_day/
%
I've finally found a job I can see myself in.

I start at the mirror factory tomorrow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j0pj3/ive_finally_found_a_job_i_can_see_myself_in/
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If I tell people about my mancave I'm a "bro"...

But if I talk about my womancave I'm a "kidnapper".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j0ovq/if_i_tell_people_about_my_mancave_im_a_bro/
%
I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos...

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j0nbz/i_dont_mind_following_rules_at_work_but_when_my/
%
What is the opposite of dominos ??

Domi doesn't know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j0k73/what_is_the_opposite_of_dominos/
%
Q: What do vegan zombies eat?

A: "GRAAAAAIIIIIIIINS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j0bqh/q_what_do_vegan_zombies_eat/
%
One million dollars

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j0apl/one_million_dollars/
%
After telling his wife he was working late at the office,

a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her.
But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and exclaimed. "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look what he did to my tits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j09ld/after_telling_his_wife_he_was_working_late_at_the/
%
Chinese takeout $30.00…gas to pick it up $20.00…

Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers…
Riceless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j09a9/chinese_takeout_3000gas_to_pick_it_up_2000/
%
I asked the bartender for something cold and filled with rum...

So he recommended his wife...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j0421/i_asked_the_bartender_for_something_cold_and/
%
A husband said he could watch porn faster than his wife

But she beat him to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j03dt/a_husband_said_he_could_watch_porn_faster_than/
%
I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6j0198/i_met_an_older_woman_at_a_bar_last_night/
%
A wish gone awry

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
'Same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6izz8u/a_wish_gone_awry/
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What does a Redditor name his dog?

Opie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6izljj/what_does_a_redditor_name_his_dog/
%
Tried to order bread at an Indian restaurant

They told me they had naan left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ize7f/tried_to_order_bread_at_an_indian_restaurant/
%
A kid asks his dad what a alcoholic is

The dad says "you see those 2 trees? A alcoholic would see 4"
The kid replies with "but dad, there is only 1 tree"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6izab0/a_kid_asks_his_dad_what_a_alcoholic_is/
%
I'm a big fan of self-depricating jokes

Not very good at telling them though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iz8y6/im_a_big_fan_of_selfdepricating_jokes/
%
What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iz37o/what_concert_costs_45_cents/
%
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse...

But I beat her to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iz31v/my_wife_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_domestic_abuse/
%
Farted in the bus and four people turned around.

I felt like I'm in The Voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iz2uh/farted_in_the_bus_and_four_people_turned_around/
%
A policeman walks into a barber shop...

A policeman walks into a barber shop.
The barber looks at him and says "Thank you very much for protecting and defending our town! As this is your first time here, it would be my pleasure to give you a free haircut."
The barber gives the policeman a haircut, and that night, the barber receives a bottle of wine with a thank-you note from the policeman.
The next day, a fireman walks into the barber shop.
The barber looks at him and says, "Thank you, good sir, for preventing damages across our town and saving many lives! Please, let me give you a complimentary haircut to thank you for your services, since this is your first visit."
The barber gives the fireman a haircut, and that night, the barber receives a dozen donuts with a thank-you note from the fireman.
The next day, a politician walks into the barber shop.
The barber looks at him and says, "I believe this is your first time here, good sir. You have helped our town improve and guided many of our citizens, and because of this, I would like to award you with a free haircut to commend your efforts."
The barber gives the politician a haircut, and the next day, twelve new politicians walk into the barber shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iyysq/a_policeman_walks_into_a_barber_shop/
%
What did the cell phone say to the back pocket?

Can I make a booty call?
(Credit goes to my coworker who doesn't know what reddit is)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iyubr/what_did_the_cell_phone_say_to_the_back_pocket/
%
What kind of bees make milk, not honey?

Boobies
From my college buddies son. He followed it up with, "I don't get it" which I found better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iytc5/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk_not_honey/
%
Truly management material

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iyt0u/truly_management_material/
%
An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman escape from prison.

They have just finished climbing the wall when they hear police sirens so they decide to hide in the back of a nearby R.S.P.C.A van and each climbed into some old cloth sacks they find in there. Ten minuets later a police officer looks into the back of the van and sees the three filled sacks.
He pokes the first sack containing the English man who responds with "woof, woof" so the policeman assumes its a dog and proceeds to poke the second sack. The second sack contains the Scotsman who responds to the poke with "meow, meow" so the policeman assumes the sack is filled with cats and moves on to the third sack.
Upon the policeman poking the third sack the Irishman replies "potatoes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iypav/an_english_man_irish_man_and_a_scotsman_escape/
%
Don't worry about old age.

It doesn't last that long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iyo2r/dont_worry_about_old_age/
%
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die.

I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iynwl/i_saw_that_show_50_things_to_do_before_you_die/
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I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.

I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iynm1/im_not_saying_lets_go_kill_all_the_stupid_people/
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I hear they only serve ice cold beers in North Korea

Cause Warmbiers are punishable by death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iyjru/i_hear_they_only_serve_ice_cold_beers_in_north/
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What's more expensive than having a wife?

Having an ex-wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iyh1f/whats_more_expensive_than_having_a_wife/
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The Oregon Trail

You meet the man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. "That's a girls name!" you say. Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin'Terry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iyegs/the_oregon_trail/
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A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks,

"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iydbu/a_man_is_washing_the_car_with_his_son_the_son_asks/
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A blonde woman is sitting in a room, idly staring at a lamp.

...when a lawyer walks in and decides to make an extra buck off of her. He approaches her and asks: "Let's play a game. I will ask you a question and if you fail to answer, you owe me five dollars. Then you will ask me a question and this time, if I fail to answer then I owe you 500 dollars." The blonde happily obliges and the man begins the game. "What is the First Law of Newton?" The blonde quietly hands him five dollars.
Next, the blonde asks him: "What climbs up a hill with two legs, but returns with three?" The man, stumped by this question, spends a great deal of time thinking until he eventually gives up and angrily hands her 500 dollars before asking her: "So what was the answer?" The blonde quietly hands him five dollars, turns around and keeps staring at the lamp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iyd58/a_blonde_woman_is_sitting_in_a_room_idly_staring/
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(NSFW) A camel and an elephant are at a bar.

The elephant says "you know you have two boobs on your back"?
The camel replies "bold question for someone with a dick on their face"
*adopted from a comic on a junkyard bathroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iy9nm/nsfw_a_camel_and_an_elephant_are_at_a_bar/
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What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both can smell it but neither one of them can eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iy9bg/what_do_a_pizza_delivery_driver_and_a/
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I feel like fishing jokes on this sub are always missing something.

It might be because the reel jokes are in the comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iy992/i_feel_like_fishing_jokes_on_this_sub_are_always/
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DOCTOR DOCTOR

Doctor Doctor, I can't feel my legs!
Yes, I'm very sorry Mr Smith, we had to amputate your arms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iy70f/doctor_doctor/
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I experimented a lot in college

I was a chemistry major

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iy1kr/i_experimented_a_lot_in_college/
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Why does The Little Mermaid wear seashells?

She outgrew her B shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ixzko/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_seashells/
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I tell dad jokes but I have no kids.

I'm a faux pa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ixvug/i_tell_dad_jokes_but_i_have_no_kids/
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What do you call a camel that hates cows?

Drama-dairy.
Courtesy of my eight-year-old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ixtam/what_do_you_call_a_camel_that_hates_cows/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because feminists don't make change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ixswu/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What's a short word, but a long sentence?

Rape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ixn6i/whats_a_short_word_but_a_long_sentence/
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A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby

. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ixj3o/a_woman_playing_golf_hit_a_man_nearby/
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I'm married to Wonder Woman.

She wonders when I'll grow up.
She wonders when I'll take the garbage out.
She wonders when I'll finally get a promotion.
She wonders why she ever married me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ixhw0/im_married_to_wonder_woman/
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What does a horny mathematician with a lisp do on his spare time?

Math debate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ixg4d/what_does_a_horny_mathematician_with_a_lisp_do_on/
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What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).
-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ixfoe/what_do_you_call_a_waffle_on_a_california_beach/
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There are two identical twin brothers that live together.

One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance."
The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles.
It's unbelievable.
The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.
The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."
The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ixegw/there_are_two_identical_twin_brothers_that_live/
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If a woman fucks 10 guys in a week, then she's a whore. If a man does it...

...he's gay. Definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ixbf1/if_a_woman_fucks_10_guys_in_a_week_then_shes_a/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korea's long range missiles can't reach that far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ixa72/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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What's an owl's nose called?

whoo nose?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ix5zg/whats_an_owls_nose_called/
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LPT: How to last longer in bed

Don’t set an alarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ix5v3/lpt_how_to_last_longer_in_bed/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It dosen't last long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ix34e/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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After a long night of making love...

...the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ix1l7/after_a_long_night_of_making_love/
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Green ping pong ball.

These was once a girl, Sara, whos third birthday was coming up, and as this was the first time she was old enough to really understand what was happening, her parents asked her what she wanted.
"I want a green ping pong ball!" Sara answered immediately and without a hint of uncertainty. The parents found this a bit peculiar but figured they might as well get one, in addition to other, more traditional presents.
When the day came Sara was overjoyed with her green ping pong ball and only paid attention to the other presents at the insistence of her mother and father, and with obvious lack of interest at that. This trend continued the next birthday, and the one after that, and whenever anyone asked her about it she'd just give you a mysterious smile and say something along the lines of "One day I'll tell you".
One year her parents tried to give Sara something else and she absolutely lost it! She spent two days locked in her room untill someone went and got her the mysteriously desired green ping pong ball, at which point she immediately cheered up and came out of her room.
Thus her life continued; She started school, got good grades and soon enough grew in to a young woman who started to notice, and partake, in the joys of male companionship. Yet still, every year, without exception, all she wished for her birthday was that selfsame green ping pong ball. She started studying at university, where she met a man, David, who seemed good at first, but after some time together, revealed himself to be a possesive, jealous and sometimes voilent person.
After university, while working her first real job, the sudden death of Saras mother prompted her to leave David, sell most of what she owned and spend the next few years traveling. While she was away, her family back home would set aside a green ping pong ball every year on her birthday, awaiting her return. It was during her travels that she met the man she would eventually marry, an Englishman named Paul.
The first of Saras birthdays her and Paul spent together, on a white sand beach in Bali, he presented her with a green painted ping pong ball. He had stolen from the rec room of the hostel they were staying in and spray painted it himself.
Eventually, Sara and her English husband returned home and not long after, their first child was born. They had three more over the years and anyone would say that, together, they had a full, if sligtly ordinary, life together, with her children and husband giving her a green ping pong ball every year on the morning of her birthday. The kids would ask Sara about it, for the first few years, but one can only hear "One day" so many times before one catches on. Sara, now a middle aged woman, and Paul grew old together and saw their kids go off and start their own lives, and eventually, the first of many grandchildren was born.
Paul died a few years after his seventieth birthday due to a drawn out battle with cancer and it nearly broke Saras will to live, had it not been for that first birthday after his death, when she heard a ring on the door, and found that he had arranged to have a green ping pong ball delivered to her every year on her birthday, along with a note of encouragement and love, but Sara was old, and it was not long before she too was in a hospital bed, requiring assistance with even the most basic of tasks.
On her seventyseventh birthday, the whole family had come to the hospital, four children and ten grandkids, one of whom walked up to his wrikly old grandmother and gave her the box that had come in the mail that morning. Sara was too weak to open it and one of her children had to help her. She took out the green ping pong ball, looked at it and smiled.
"Why do you always want a green ping pong ball, Granny?" The youngest grandchild asked. The others in the room chuckled and shook their head at the child, for he was young and didn't yet know the futility of the question. This time, however, the old woman didn't give her usual response right away. She looked around her, all her loved ones gathered, a gentle breeze coming in through the open window and she found herself looking back at her long life; Not without hardship, but well lived, and full of love, and as a tear of joy and nostalgia rolled down her cheek, catching the afternoon sunlight, she thought "It is time."
"Well dear, the reason I always want a green ping pong ball is" and then she died.
tl;dr: Tough shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwzbl/green_ping_pong_ball/
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What's the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room that means it's good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwtkb/whats_the_difference_between_weed_and_pussy/
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A man walks into a bar with a dog

. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwsq0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_dog/
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Who is the most popular Transformer in America?

Caitlyn Jenner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwsiy/who_is_the_most_popular_transformer_in_america/
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Did you hear about the man who became a millionaire with one homing pigeon?

He sold it for a dollar and it came home a million times.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwsd5/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_became_a/
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M&M's Came out with a Honey Flavor.

They coated the peanuts in the Peanut M&M's with honey.
They called them "Beez Nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwr31/mms_came_out_with_a_honey_flavor/
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My Korean friend died yesterday

So yung...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwqju/my_korean_friend_died_yesterday/
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Riddle: A King has 3 cups in front of him. The first two cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name??

King Philip III

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwqak/riddle_a_king_has_3_cups_in_front_of_him_the/
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How Long is a Chinese name

It really is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwofb/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
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How do you call a person without a body and without a nose ?

Nobody knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwn96/how_do_you_call_a_person_without_a_body_and/
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Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

Yup, it runs in your genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwenf/did_you_know_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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knock. knock knock. knock knock knock. knock knock knock knock knock. knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.

Who's there?
Fibonacci.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwejr/knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock/
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What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?

A $100 bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwe8z/whats_6_inches_long_2_inches_wide_and_drives/
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I recently began using TOR to browse anonymously on my phone

Sent from 123.248.188.75

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwb5h/i_recently_began_using_tor_to_browse_anonymously/
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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made him a very wealthy man.
One day, the farmer's child leaves his guitar outside as his mother calls him for dinner. Curiously, the gang of animals approaches the instrument. The pig picks it up and strums tentatively trying to mimic what he saw the boy doing. He finds that he is a natural and when the farmer hears - he instantly sees the business potential.
So the very next day, the farmer buys a drum-set, bass and another guitar and hands one to each of the animals. The horse himself took a liking to guitar whilst the sheep took the drums, leaving the cow on bass guitar. By sheer narrative convenience, all the animals showed prodigious skill at their respective instruments and became proficient players very quickly. The horse, with his gravelly melancholic voice assumed the role of vocalist.
Their first gig was a roaring success and set them on the road for superstardom. It turned out that the saturated music market had a niche for a band of rock playing animals. Within weeks, they had released their first album and planned on doing a world tour. Tickets at every destination sell out almost instantly.
The first half of their tour was uneventful, however, the horse - not used to the pressures of being a celebrity- began to use alcohol as escapism. He told himself he was in control but the other bandmembers noticed his problem and grew increasingly worried for the horse.
One fateful night, the tourbus loses control on the tarmac and slips off the road into a sharp valley - everybody is killed but the horse. He stumbles out of the wreckage and begins searching for his friends and every corpse he stumbles across breaks him even more.
The funeral was a dull affair and despite their stardom, few people turned up. The horse wept bitterly for his friends who he thought deserved a better farewell. Turning and leaving the procession, he wanders aimlessly into the city.
Day quickly turns into night and a storm approaches. The horse hears the thunder in the distance, but he keeps walking like a man without cause. As the first drop begin to fall, the horse spies the neon lights of a bar which promise a warm refuge away from the rain and more importantly, his grief.
So, the horse walks into the bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iwa54/once_upon_a_time/
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Three men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.
Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"
So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.
Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, looks like you cheated on your wife TWICE! You are going to drive around heaven in an Accord!"
He gets into his car and drives through the gates.
Peter calls the third man up and says, "You cheated on your wife FIVE TIMES. You are going to be driving around in a ford pinto!"
But, when the third man drives through the gates, he sees the person in the Ferrari on the side of the rode and he's crying.
The man asks, "Why are you crying??? You got the nicest car out of all of us!!"
He replies, "I just saw my wife ride by on a skateboard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iw8ih/three_men_are_in_line_to_get_into_heaven/
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St Peter is at the gates of Heaven,

The line for people who have died is getting rather long. St. Peter tells God that he doesn't have time to make sure that all of the people who deserve to be in heaven are let in.
God replies: "for today, only let those through who have had...interesting deaths."
St. Peter returns to the gate, and asks the first person in line how they died.
"I was certain my wife was cheating on me, so I came home from work early. She was obviously nervous when I arrived, so I searched the house, but to no avail. I heard a noise, and saw the man trying to escape off of my balcony!
"I was so angry that I ran outside and pushed him off the balcony. I was certain he had died from the fall ( I live on the ninth floor) but he had survived! In my rage, i ran inside, picked up my refrigerator, and threw it on the man below, and killed him. I then had a heart attack and died."
St. Peter had to let him through. What an interesting death! Then he asks the next person how he died.
"Well," he said, "I live on the tenth floor of my building. I was on my porch, and it collapsed! Luckily the balcony below held, but as soon as i gained my senses, a man ran onto the balcony and pushed me off!
"Somehow I survived that too, but then a fridge fell on my head and i died."
Another quite interesting death. Wrong place at the wrong time. Next? And he starts questioning the third person.
"How did you die?" Asks St. Peter.
"So, I was hiding naked in a refrigerator,..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iw7zq/st_peter_is_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
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What's the easiest way to lose 20 pounds?

The Steam summer sale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iw7q4/whats_the_easiest_way_to_lose_20_pounds/
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Three nuns are sitting on a park bench...

When a man in a trenchcoat comes up and flashes them.
One of the nuns has a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iw77j/three_nuns_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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Hide, I hear someone!!!

An old Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.  When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic.
The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.
“There is more to tell, Father.  She started to repay me with sexual favors.   This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”
The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger; but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father.  That’s a great load off my mind.  I do have one more question.”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iw3lk/hide_i_hear_someone/
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Why do accountants make good lovers?

They're great with figures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iw3fu/why_do_accountants_make_good_lovers/
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I was trying to teach my bird to say peanut today.

So far, all that came out was pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iw2kd/i_was_trying_to_teach_my_bird_to_say_peanut_today/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*choking sounds*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iw0db/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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Roses are red, balls are round.

It's over, Anakin!
I have the high ground!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ivzkf/roses_are_red_balls_are_round/
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Three hungry bats...

Three hungry vampire bats are hanging upside down in a tall tower at night, having not eaten anything for several days.
Extremely hungry they look around for something they can drink the blood off.
The first bat, sees something, flies away and returns several minutes later with blood dropping from his cheeks.
The other bats ask him what he set his teeth in and the first bat replies: "Do you see that small bush over there? Well, I saw a rat running towards it and I got to it."
The other bats now excited start looking around for something they can sink their teeth in and the second bat now takes a dive and returns several minutes later with his whole mouth covered with blood.
The 2 other bats are amazed and ask him what he found.
"Well", says the second bat, "see that red pick up truck over there? It reminded me of a farm nearby which has some cows, so I went there and took a bite."
The third bat, growing impatiently now starts flying off with great speed and returns several minutes later with his whole face dripping with blood.
The 2 other bats ask him what he found and he says: "Well, see that small post over there?"
The other bats nods.
"Well" he says, "I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ivzf8/three_hungry_bats/
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My parents wanted me to have masculine name like Richard...

But I prefer Dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ivv1p/my_parents_wanted_me_to_have_masculine_name_like/
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Rain or Snow

A husband and wife went on vacation to St Petersburg. One night they were there, precipitation fell from the sky.
"Oh look, it's snowing!" said the wife.
"No, that's rain," the husband argued.
Unable to settle if it was raining or snowing, they decided to ask the first person they saw. They ran into Officer Rudolph on duty.
"Excuse me, Officer," the husband started, "is it raining or is it snowing?"
"It's clearly raining!" he replied.
Satisfied, the husband turned to the wife and said
"See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ivtzl/rain_or_snow/
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A lost poodle wanders through a forest

On the first day of an African safari trip, a woman gets distracted and her poodle wanders off into a forest. As the dog trots through the forest, it realizes it is lost and starts to panic.
While the poodle frantically runs around trying to find it's way back, a lion sees it and decides to have an easy snack. The lion creeps up slowly and the poodle notices it out of the corner of it's eye and realizes it is about to be eaten.
Next to the poodle is a pile of old bones and, in a moment of desperation, digs it's little furry head in the bones and starts gnawing on them. As the lion is about to pounce, the poodle picks it's head up and sighs, " That was the best fucking lion I have ever tasted, I wonder if there are any others nearby." Hearing this, the lion immediately retreats into the trees, scared for it's life.
Witnessing this whole situation, a monkey sitting in the trees is howling with laughter.
"What are you laughing about, stupid primate?" the lion inquires.
"That little poodle tricked you, it didn't eat a fucking lion you fool!"
Hearing this, the lion roars, "No one tricks me and gets away with it, hop on my back and let me show you what happens to something when they trick me."
So the money climbs down and onto the lion's back and they run towards the poodle.
The poodle sees them coming and turns away from them until they are close enough to hear it.
"Where the fuck is that monkey, I sent it to get me another lion an hour ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ivsuy/a_lost_poodle_wanders_through_a_forest/
%
Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two

"See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."
So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.
Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"
Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.
After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.
She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up."
Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!"
On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk."
They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.
"I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you."
"it's perfectly fine." he smiles.
"Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her  legs it's hard to do in the truck.
She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."
So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.
After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.
"Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over.
Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?"
"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years."
Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it."
"No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging in the park."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ivqpd/guy_and_his_two_buddies_are_at_a_bar_when_one_of/
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A chemistry lab is like a big party

some drop the acid - others drop the base.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ivqmi/a_chemistry_lab_is_like_a_big_party/
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What the difference between a cat and an emo?

The cat still has 8 other lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ivqe5/what_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_an_emo/
%
What do you do when you see a spaceman?

You park, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ivipe/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_spaceman/
%
Professor held an oral exam

He was in a good mood and the student that he questioned wasn't prepared enough.
'Look here, I can't give you a passing grade based on your answers. I will however let you pass if you tell me how many lightbulbs there are in this room?'
The student counted carefully and confidently said '32'.
The professor started laughing and reached for his bag:
'Nice try but I got one in my bag, see you next month'
A month passed and the student came to try his luck again.
'I remember you. You failed my lighbulb test last time. So tell me and if you answer correctly I won't question you further. How many lightbulbs are in this room?'
The student looked him in the eye and said '33'.
The professor laughed even harder than last time:
"Oh silly you, I didn't bring a spare lightbulb with me this time"
The student smirked, reached for his bag and triumphantly said 'oh, but I did'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ivhos/professor_held_an_oral_exam/
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A famous hypnotist is performing at a retirement home

. He decides to try mass hypnosis.
He starts by telling everyone that it is a speacial day as he will be using a family heirloom, a pocket watch that is more than 200 years old. He asks the audience to focus on the watch as he swings it from left to right. He explains that they will fall into a deep trance and will follow his every command.
Left to right he swings the watch
Left to right
"You are feeling sleepy" he states
Left to right
Left to right
All of a sudden he drops the watch and exclaims "SHIT"
It took cleanup crews three weeks to clear the mess.
*EDIT: clarified some elements*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ivgez/a_famous_hypnotist_is_performing_at_a_retirement/
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If you give a quizzical look while taking a quiz, what kind of look do you give during a test?

Testicle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ivefu/if_you_give_a_quizzical_look_while_taking_a_quiz/
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When judges are thirsty what do they crave?

Just ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iv9pc/when_judges_are_thirsty_what_do_they_crave/
%
I swallowed some Scrabble tiles earlier.

I am not looking forward to my next vowel movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iv9oo/i_swallowed_some_scrabble_tiles_earlier/
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What did the Canadian Sniper say after making a record-breaking kill shot?

Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iv4el/what_did_the_canadian_sniper_say_after_making_a/
%
What do you call a cool jewish guy?

Iceberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iv48f/what_do_you_call_a_cool_jewish_guy/
%
Wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia...

Wife got a bullseye bite and I needed help.
"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"
I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."
The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"
I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
-------
**madazzahatter**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iv2yw/wife_and_i_went_on_our_honeymoon_to_australia/
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My girlfriend got pregnant, so I've been thinking about a name for over two weeks

I chose Carlos and escaped to Mexico

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iuzgd/my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_so_ive_been_thinking/
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My ex sent me a text saying, "I wish you were here".

I replied, "Where are you?"
She said, "At the cemetery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iuxkx/my_ex_sent_me_a_text_saying_i_wish_you_were_here/
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Hanging out

A good friend of mine told me this one and thought I'd share!
Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. "See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."
So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.
Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"
Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.
After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.
She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up."
Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!"
On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk."
They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.
"I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you."
"it's perfectly fine." he smiles.
"Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her  legs it's hard to do in the truck.
She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."
So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.
After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.
"Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over.
Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?"
"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years."
Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it."
"No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging in the park."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iutin/hanging_out/
%
The doorbell rings and the son walks to open the door.

- Who is it?
- It's the landlord, I'm here to collect rent.
- Mom! It's the landlord. Do you have money or should I go play outside again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iur0v/the_doorbell_rings_and_the_son_walks_to_open_the/
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What's In A Name

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He sees a beautiful redhead at the end of the bar and figures he'll chat her up.
They get to talking and enjoying each other's company and as the bar starts to close down he realizes he didn't get her name.
"So what's your name?" he asks.
"My name's Carmen, referring to my two favorite things: cars and men" she joked. "What's yours?"
The man smiled, "I'm also named after my favorite things: BJ Titsngolf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iuovo/whats_in_a_name/
%
A woman was giving birth...

Her husband asked the doctor,"Is there any way I can reduce her pain doc?"
The doctor said,"Well yes,we have a new machine which transfer's the mother's pain to the father.However,it will hurt a lot."
The man says,"Do it doctor."
So the doctor connected the machine to the man and the woman.
He said,"We'll start slow. Only 20% of the pain will be transferred."
So the doctor starts,the man feels no pain. The man tells the surprised doctor to increase it to 30%.
The same happens till the doctor increases it to 100%. The child is finally born.
The doctor was completely shocked. The man goes home with his wife.
As they were about to reach home,they see the postman lying dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iunds/a_woman_was_giving_birth/
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A guy is driving along when he spots a gypsies caravan on the side of the road with a sign saying, "readings $10 per person".

He pulls over thinking this could be a laugh, and enters the caravan.
The gypsy immediately grabs his hands, looks at them for a couple of seconds and looks up into the guys eyes.
She says, "Thriller, pretty woman, when doves cry ,stairway to heaven."
"wow", said the guy, "those are my favourite songs!"
"impressive", he continues, "please, tell me my future"
"can not" exclaims the gypsy, "I am just a four tune teller"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iun7f/a_guy_is_driving_along_when_he_spots_a_gypsies/
%
What do shrimp wear in the kitchen?

A-prawns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ium6z/what_do_shrimp_wear_in_the_kitchen/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said, "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes said, "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iujwe/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_were_going_camping/
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Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decide to go to college.

Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and logic.
-- "What's logic?" says Bubba.
-- "Well, let me give you an example," says the professor. "Do you own a tractor?"
-- "Sure do," says Bubba.
-- "Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard."
-- "That's real good," says Bubba, in awe.
-- "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"
-- "Gawly!” says Bubba.
-- "And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?"
-- "Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
-- "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?"
-- "You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Cooter is waiting.
-- "So what classes are ya takin’?" says Cooter.
-- "Maths, history and logic," says Bubba.
-- "What in tarnation is logic?"
-- "Let me give you an example," says Bubba. "Do you own a tractor?"
-- "No."
-- "Then you’re gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iuafs/two_rednecks_bubba_and_cooter_decide_to_go_to/
%
9/11 jokes are terrible.

The other 2/11, however, are hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iu9rs/911_jokes_are_terrible/
%
The NEW CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said,”Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay.
Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said,
“Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iu49w/the_new_ceo/
%
Why are the guys at the music shop so trustworthy?

They always give you sound advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iu00c/why_are_the_guys_at_the_music_shop_so_trustworthy/
%
A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.
The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the pool still crying. The homeless man wasted no time in jumping in to drag the other man out of the water.
After the suited man took a moment to process what was happening (and what he was doing) he started to thank the homeless man profusely and asked if there was any way he could repay the homeless man for his kindness.
"What was I thinking!" the man in suit said, "Please good sir, if there I must repay you for what you have done for me, money is no option have anything you want." "I don't need money." the homeless man replied. "I would like a job if there is anyway you can arrange that.
The Suited man was taken aback by the request but complied saying that the homeless man can work on one of the commercial cruise ships his company owns.
A few weeks later the captain of said ship was inspecting his new subordinate and was disgusted... "We can't have a homeless man running around on this ship, it will put off the guests... you can be a janitor if you promise to only leave your employee cabin to work at night when the guests are asleep."
The homeless man was not phased by the comments of the captain and got to work as a night janitor on the ship.
One night the homeless man finished early and decided to swim in the pool whilst no one was around.
Unfortunately the first hand came on deck just as the homeless man began to dive into the pool however instead of being outraged he was amazed at the perfect dive the homeless man pulled off.
The first mate insisted he do it again for the captain and after being shown the skill of this homeless man the captain was amazed. He insisted that the homeless man put on diving shows for the customers.
Weeks later the homeless man was about to attempt the tallest dive possible for his newly gained fans. The diving board was set up specially and it extended impossibly high into the sky.
The man began climbing and climbing. Hours passed before he reached the top of the board. He looked below and was unphased, with a couple of stretches he dove aiming for the pool below. Down, down and down he went picking up speed until he hit terminal velocity on his dive. he hit the water and sliced right through it to the bottom of the pool.
He didn't stop though, smashing through the bottom of the pool and through each of the 30 decks below until he broke right through to the open ocean.
Commotion broke out on the ship "MAN OVERBOARD" People were shouting and shuffling to through life preservers to the homeless man.
He caught a preserver and was hoisted up onto the ship again.
"Remarkable!" the captain said now inspecting the man, "Smashed all the way through the ship and not a scratch on you... how is such a thing possible!"
"Well." said the homeless man. "I have been through many hardships in my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ityd1/a_homeless_man_was_one_day_walking_down_an/
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Marriage is similar to a deck of cards

In the beginning you have two hearts and a diamond, but by the end all you want is a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6itx6j/marriage_is_similar_to_a_deck_of_cards/
%
What do you call two doctors?

Paradox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6itu5n/what_do_you_call_two_doctors/
%
So a kid heard his mom swear

So a kid heard his mom yell "FUCK" he asks "what does "fuck" mean?"
so his mom not wanting to teach her kid a bad word she says "it means cutting"
the kid goes upstairs and sees his dad in the bathroom, his dad yells "SHIT"
the kid asks "dad what does shit mean?"
his dad also not wanting him to learn a bad word at his young age replied "it means shaving" then the bell door rings, kid runs to the door and opens it to greet the people that were coming over "hello, mom's fucking the chicken and dad is shitting in the bathroom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ittzz/so_a_kid_heard_his_mom_swear/
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Since you like Dad jokes. Here's one I laid on my wife while she was folding my infant daughters clothes.

Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers?
Me: They prefer to be called executioners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6itrsy/since_you_like_dad_jokes_heres_one_i_laid_on_my/
%
Why don't women wear dresses when parachuting?

Because they'd whistle on the way down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6itrp2/why_dont_women_wear_dresses_when_parachuting/
%
I went to a lawyer to change my will today, but it turns out, I can't leave all my money…

…to an imaginary friend, unless they have a church…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6itrfh/i_went_to_a_lawyer_to_change_my_will_today_but_it/
%
Too many officers~

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6itnqo/too_many_officers/
%
What do you call a letter from angry feminists?

Hate male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6itm71/what_do_you_call_a_letter_from_angry_feminists/
%
What do you call a snobby criminal going downstairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6itkm3/what_do_you_call_a_snobby_criminal_going/
%
Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Linux servers, mostly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6itd41/daddy_what_are_clouds_made_of/
%
An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a tavern last night…

And brought it to her friend's table…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6it8pd/an_attractive_woman_took_a_seat_next_to_me_at_a/
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I’ve invented a new brand of cocaine that will literally blow your head off.

I call it Kurt Cocaine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6it7n9/ive_invented_a_new_brand_of_cocaine_that_will/
%
A gambler invites two friends, a mathematician and an engineer, to the casino to try and score big with their help.

The mathematician suggests blackjack, as with card counting it's the only game where the house doesn't have an advantage. The engineer agrees for the same reason, but warns, that since this is the real world, to be wary of the casino getting wise to them. The gambler follows the advice of his intellectual friends.
As they are heading to the blackjack table they see a large crowd around a roulette table, the gambler asks a crowd member what's going on and they explain that black has been hit 24 times in a row, the gambler quickly scrambles to the front and makes a huge bet on red, telling his friends that red is "due". The mathematician explains the roulette table doesn't have memory and that past results don't effect future ones, not only that, 24 of the same colour in a row is only a 1 in 30 million chance which seems unlikely but when one thinks about how many games of roulette around the world are played on a regular basis it's very likely to occur somewhere.
Sure enough, the result is black again and the gambler breaks down into tears, as he was already broke to begin with. His friend the engineer pats him on the shoulder and passes him enough chips to double what he just lost and explains he just won way more from a big bet on black.
The mathematician asks why on earth would he bet on roulette when the house has a large advantage. The engineer asks the mathematician what's more likely: we're witnessing a 1 in 30 million chance event, or that someone has messed with the table?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6it4ti/a_gambler_invites_two_friends_a_mathematician_and/
%
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6it1rm/just_after_my_wife_had_given_birth_i_asked_the/
%
Dirty Bastard

I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in some dog shit. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same.
I said to him "I just did that." So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isx0w/dirty_bastard/
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Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years?

In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isw9e/would_you_rather_feel_the_pain_of_your_toes_bring/
%
What is the national bird of Pakistan?

An American drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6istaz/what_is_the_national_bird_of_pakistan/
%
What rock group has 4 men that don't sing ?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isr8i/what_rock_group_has_4_men_that_dont_sing/
%
I said, "Gandalf once said 'A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.'"

My boss replied, "You're still fucking fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isqyh/i_said_gandalf_once_said_a_wizard_is_never_late/
%
A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant,"Are you single?"

I Happily I replied," Yes...."
She took away the extra chair in front of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isqp6/a_beautiful_girl_asked_me_in_a_restaurantare_you/
%
A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.

However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said:
“A dove should not be friends with a donkey.”
“Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile.
The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams.
In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
“You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?”
“The gold.”
“I don't agree. I would choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.”
“Everyone would choose what they don't have” says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
“Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isnto/a_university_student_wanted_to_sit_next_to_his/
%
My dog becomes even more adorable after five pints of beer.

He starts stumbling everywhere and rolling around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isnta/my_dog_becomes_even_more_adorable_after_five/
%
Is it solipsistic in here?

or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ismvy/is_it_solipsistic_in_here/
%
Nervous systems are too reckless

They always do everything on impulse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6islfg/nervous_systems_are_too_reckless/
%
My wife opened the car door for me today.

Would have been a good gesture if only we were not going 75MPH.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isl81/my_wife_opened_the_car_door_for_me_today/
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A group of men have broken into my house and I'm pretty sure they're looking through my wallet.

I just heard a few of them sigh and laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isj5a/a_group_of_men_have_broken_into_my_house_and_im/
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Why is it that when guys pledging a fraternity do it it's considered "bonding" and "building a brotherhood"..

.. but when me and my friends do it it's "weird" and "anal sex"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isifk/why_is_it_that_when_guys_pledging_a_fraternity_do/
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A hot girl asked me if i wanted to see a movie

Yesterday, a hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie
She asked, "What would you like to see?"
I said, "You pick".
She said, "You pick".
I said, "I don't care, you pick".
She said, "Sir, there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isiad/a_hot_girl_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_see_a_movie/
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Golf balls

Joe was walking towards the first tee, and as he passed the tennis courts one of the tennis players stopped him and asked "what is that in your pocket"
Joe answered "It's golf balls"
"AHH" said the tennis player, "is it like tennis elbow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isi9j/golf_balls/
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What's the similarity between a joke and a small, cute, furry mammal?

They both die when dissected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ishs7/whats_the_similarity_between_a_joke_and_a_small/
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Amanda: Fred, honey, in your bathroom I found two towels, one with a letter A embroidered on it and another with an F. How thoughtful of you! I used the one with an A, because F is for Fred…

Fred: F is for face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isgq6/amanda_fred_honey_in_your_bathroom_i_found_two/
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I told my doctor about a wonderful place

He asked me, "What is it?"
I replied, "Reddit, especially the joke sub."
He laughed and said "Why?"
"It has a lot of original content," I said.
He diagnosed me with Alzheimer's. I can't remember why, though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isgi1/i_told_my_doctor_about_a_wonderful_place/
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Looking back at belts...

They're a real waist of cows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isek1/looking_back_at_belts/
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Political opinions are like dicks....

Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6isaem/political_opinions_are_like_dicks/
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Give a man a fire...

And he will be warm for a night
Teach a man to fire and he'll be my ex-boss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6is9hv/give_a_man_a_fire/
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I've been married for eight years and I still get head weekly.

My wife would kill me though if she knew how much I was paying for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6is86x/ive_been_married_for_eight_years_and_i_still_get/
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Why is Santa's sack so big

because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6is7ol/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
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If at first you don't succeed...

Skydiving obviously shouldn't be your hobby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6is6tz/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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A guy and his panda

A guy is driving his pick-up truck through a small town, and he's got a panda in the front seat with him.  The guy spots a police officer, pulls over, and tells the officer he found a panda just walking along the road.  Now the guy is wondering what to do with the panda.  The police officer says, "Well, take it to the zoo, I guess."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the panda again in the front seat.  Both are wearing baseball caps.  The policeman pulls him over and says, "I thought you were going to take that panda to the zoo?" The man replied, "I did...and we had such a good time at the zoo that I took him to a baseball game."
[Long]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6is5gd/a_guy_and_his_panda/
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To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my jacket

you can hide, but you can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6is4u9/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my_jacket/
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What do a necropheliac and the boys have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6is2br/what_do_a_necropheliac_and_the_boys_have_in_common/
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I want to die peacefully and in sleep like my grandpa

not screaming and kicking like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6is139/i_want_to_die_peacefully_and_in_sleep_like_my/
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There was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac.....

He would stay up all night wondering if there really was a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6irzs6/there_was_a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
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TIL squirrels die after sex.

Well, the one I had sex with did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6irz3m/til_squirrels_die_after_sex/
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A man escapes from prison.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6irsgq/a_man_escapes_from_prison/
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What do you call a gelded unicorn?

A Eunuch-corn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6irokk/what_do_you_call_a_gelded_unicorn/
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My gambling addiction must be getting out of hand because I've just lost my wife in a game of poker...

She said "How could you do such a thing, losing your wife in a stupid card game!?"
I replied, "Sorry honey, it was very hard for me at the time."
She said, "What do you mean?"
I replied, "Well, it wasn't easy, folding when I had four aces."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iro62/my_gambling_addiction_must_be_getting_out_of_hand/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6irmfh/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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Life explained

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6irljy/life_explained/
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Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6irjo6/teach_a_man_to_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_lifetime/
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Good jokes are like good pizza

Tastefully cheesy with a good delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6irjja/good_jokes_are_like_good_pizza/
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“You’re the bomb.” “No you’re the bomb.”

A compliment in the West, an argument in the Middle East.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6irj50/youre_the_bomb_no_youre_the_bomb/
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Whenever I have sex, it’s a race to see who comes first.

Me or the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6irinn/whenever_i_have_sex_its_a_race_to_see_who_comes/
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A dung beetle walks into a bar...

...and asks, “Is this stool taken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iri8u/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar/
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Rihanna, Usher and Justin Bieber were walking over a bridge.

Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the bridge railings. …
Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fucks her senseless, doggy-style. …
He stands back and tells Justin “Your turn”! …
Justin burst out into tears. “Whats wrong? Asks Usher. …
Justin sobs, “My head won’t fit between the railings.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6irhi3/rihanna_usher_and_justin_bieber_were_walking_over/
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The String Theory might be the answer to everything...

..but then again, it might knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6irhgj/the_string_theory_might_be_the_answer_to/
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I just burned 2,000 calories in a few hours.

That's the last time I take a nap while baking brownies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ircwq/i_just_burned_2000_calories_in_a_few_hours/
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I think my wife is dropping subtle hints that she wants pearl earings for her birthday

Because every time I try to cum on her face she turns head to the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6irclx/i_think_my_wife_is_dropping_subtle_hints_that_she/
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[NSFW] Camping Sex

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.” The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: “Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?” The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had Sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.” “Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?” “Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6irbrs/nsfw_camping_sex/
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[NSFW] Drink for ballerina

This big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?” The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, “Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!”The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, “Bartender! I’d like to buy the ballerina another drink!”After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?” The drunk replies, “Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iraiw/nsfw_drink_for_ballerina/
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How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ir9fy/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_during_sex/
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Some guy sits on the toilet to shit

as the turd is about to come out, his left butt cheek says to the right one "if we stick togheter we can stop this shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ir5yq/some_guy_sits_on_the_toilet_to_shit/
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A guy walks into a bar ...

... and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, looking confused, asks, "What's this?" The bartender replies, "Take a bite out of the apple." The man does and surprised, he says, "Wow, this tastes like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says, "Now turn it around." The man does and takes another bite, "...and this side tastes like Coke!" Another man walks in and asks for a Gin and Tonic. Again, the bartender hands him an apple and tells him to take a bite out of one side and then another. The man is amazed, "This tastes like Gin and Tonic!" A third man walks in and the previous two men tell him, "The bartender will give you an apple that tastes like anything you want!" The third man, looking skeptical says, "Oh, really?" He looks at the bar tender and asks, "Do you have an apple that tastes like pussy?" The bartender hands him an apple and tells him to take a bite. The third man bites into the apple and quickly spits it out, "THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!!" The bartender says, "Turn it around..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ir3ij/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why do melons have such extravagant weddings?

Because they cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ir223/why_do_melons_have_such_extravagant_weddings/
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[Long] The Jockey and the Horse

Joke: A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ir0l0/long_the_jockey_and_the_horse/
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Why do women get yeast infections?

So they too can know what it is like living with an irritable cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iqyo0/why_do_women_get_yeast_infections/
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what do you call someone with 1000 terabytes of child porn?

A Petaphile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iqvsr/what_do_you_call_someone_with_1000_terabytes_of/
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If your parachute doesn't deploy,

you have the rest of your life to fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iqv16/if_your_parachute_doesnt_deploy/
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What six letter word has an opposite meaning when it is reversed?

The answer is united.  When IT is reversed, it becomes untied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iqu87/what_six_letter_word_has_an_opposite_meaning_when/
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What happened to the frog who parked illegally?

He got 'toad'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iqsob/what_happened_to_the_frog_who_parked_illegally/
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Hey Reddit Guess What?

chicken butt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iqsnn/hey_reddit_guess_what/
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Why will congress never impeach Trump?

Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iqrxa/why_will_congress_never_impeach_trump/
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What do Japanese cannibals eat?

Rawmen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iqoi3/what_do_japanese_cannibals_eat/
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If a stork delivers white babies, and a blackbird delivers black babies, what bird delivers no babies?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iqodn/if_a_stork_delivers_white_babies_and_a_blackbird/
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Milk Bath

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
Wait for it
The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iqo52/milk_bath/
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What is Computer favorite snack?

Micro chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iqkx5/what_is_computer_favorite_snack/
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What did the right boob say to the left boob?

If we don't get some support around here, people are going to think we're nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iqevs/what_did_the_right_boob_say_to_the_left_boob/
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I can tell you a space joke.

But the real joke is in the comets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iq9kk/i_can_tell_you_a_space_joke/
%
What do Germans call Micheal Jordans sneakers?

Herr Jordan's AirJordans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iq5lj/what_do_germans_call_micheal_jordans_sneakers/
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Two aliens are flying near earth

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iq3sd/two_aliens_are_flying_near_earth/
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A man walks into a bar

He tells the bartender, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
He drinks the beer and orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
This goes on for a while until after the fifth beer the bartender says, "When are you going to pay for these beers?"
He answers, "Now the problems start."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iq2uq/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Punctuation is important when answering questions.

If a woman asks you what sort of picture you want her to send you...
"Naked, baby" sounds a lot better than "Naked baby".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iq0kf/punctuation_is_important_when_answering_questions/
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What do you call a Hooker's fart?

A prosti-toot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipyco/what_do_you_call_a_hookers_fart/
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I can't find the army base, so I've typed the address into my GPS.

Apparently I need to go left, left, left, right, left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipuks/i_cant_find_the_army_base_so_ive_typed_the/
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A man walks into an airport with a pet vulture

He approaches the terminal gates, but airport security stops him.
"Your vulture has to be checked in, and shipped with the luggage." Security said.
The man replied "What do you mean checked in? This is my carrion bird."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iptrj/a_man_walks_into_an_airport_with_a_pet_vulture/
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What did the waiter do to his enemy to take revenge?

He served him right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipt8m/what_did_the_waiter_do_to_his_enemy_to_take/
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A man is walking lost in the desert by himself

Until he comes upon another man who seems to be carrying a car door.
The first man asks: "why on Earth are you carrying a car door in the desert by yourself?"
The second man responds: "when it gets really hot, I roll down the window".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipr3g/a_man_is_walking_lost_in_the_desert_by_himself/
%
Every time I see a street sign that says "Watch for Children"

I can't help but wonder if that's a fair trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipolo/every_time_i_see_a_street_sign_that_says_watch/
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Thieves broke into my house last night looking for money...

I quickly got up and started looking with em!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipoed/thieves_broke_into_my_house_last_night_looking/
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

You get somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipobc/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
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My doctor told me to start avoiding trans fats

So I stopped going on tumblr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipmnv/my_doctor_told_me_to_start_avoiding_trans_fats/
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I had a terrible night out at the club

I'm not much of a clubber, but I was starting to get the hang of it.  They played "Jump Around" and I jumped around, they played "Put Your Hands Up" and I did, everything seemed to be going well.  Then they played "Come On Eileen" and I got thrown out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipmcz/i_had_a_terrible_night_out_at_the_club/
%
Turkey has the moon on its flag

Meanwhile the United States has its flag on the moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipivl/turkey_has_the_moon_on_its_flag/
%
Why was it so dark during the Dark Ages?

Because of all the knights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipgat/why_was_it_so_dark_during_the_dark_ages/
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Soviet Joke

Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class
Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!
Little Kid starts crying
Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??
Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipfk3/soviet_joke/
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I'm currently dating a boxer, but I'm not sure if she's my type.

I think she needs to let her guard down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipeup/im_currently_dating_a_boxer_but_im_not_sure_if/
%
Why are all gay men so well dressed?

What else were they doing with all that time they spent in the closet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipdqh/why_are_all_gay_men_so_well_dressed/
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I never really met my neighbors until they tried to sue me over the ownership of some property.

Turns out we had a lot in common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipd70/i_never_really_met_my_neighbors_until_they_tried/
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Hare-lip joke my mother told me a long time ago.

A woman with a cleft lip was sitting by herself at a dance club. She absolutey loved to dance, but was also extremely self-conscious about her appearance. After an hour or so of no one even smiling at her, she was about to leave. A gentleman at the bar noticed the woman and was instantly taken by her beauty. Also self-conscious, he was afraid she would reject him because of his wooden eyeball. After mustering up to courage, he finally walks over, just as she is getting ready to go home. He says, "Miss, you are just stunning! Before you leave, would you care to have just one dance with me?" The woman, overwhelmed with joy, said, "Would I? OH, WOULD!!!!" The man was immediately offended and yelled, "HARE-LIP!! YOU HARE-LIP!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipcq6/harelip_joke_my_mother_told_me_a_long_time_ago/
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Paleontologists have found a fossil so complete, they were actually able to deduce that the species may have practiced anal sex.

They're calling it Myassisaur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ipci9/paleontologists_have_found_a_fossil_so_complete/
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walking through the park

As I was walking through the park I saw an old man feeding the birds and I thought to myself "I wonder how long he's been dead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ip7ur/walking_through_the_park/
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Why don't blondes smoke meth?

They don't know what ampheta means...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ip71i/why_dont_blondes_smoke_meth/
%
What's the most polite thing you can ask someone at a gay bar?

Can I push your stool in for you, sir?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ip68h/whats_the_most_polite_thing_you_can_ask_someone/
%
Guy goes into a deli

He looks over the menu:
Ham sandwich: $5
Roast beef sandwich: $7.50
Handjob: $250
He looks at the hot blonde behind the counter and says, "who gives the handjob?"
"I do!" She says with a smile!
"Well, wash your hands and make me a ham sandwich"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ip617/guy_goes_into_a_deli/
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I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'facebook'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ip5xs/i_just_installed_a_new_app_on_my_phone_that_lets/
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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde visit a magical bridge.

The sign reads "Magical bridge: Jump off the bridge and shout out what you want to land in and so it shall be."
The brunette goes first, she climbs on the rail, jumps off and yells "Pillows!" She lands safe and sound in a pile of pillows.
The redhead jumps next. " Hundred dollar bills!" She yells and lands in a huge pile of money.
The blonde goes last. She climbs up, jumps off and gets scared. She yells "Oh shiiiiiiiit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ip3lw/a_brunette_a_redhead_and_a_blonde_visit_a_magical/
%
Wife calls her husband at work..

"Windows froze. Can't get anything open"
Husband says, "happens sometimes in the winter. Get a bucket of warm water and dump it all over and it should open fine"
Wife calls back ten minutes later and says "computer's fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ip3kw/wife_calls_her_husband_at_work/
%
Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ip27u/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
%
A man walks into a bar...

...and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for unlimited peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”
And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”
So the bartender is understandably ashamed.
And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.
And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”
And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”
But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”
And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”
And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”
So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.
And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”
And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”
And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”
And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”
And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”
And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!
And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”
And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”
And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.
And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.
And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”
And the pianist is, like, “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!”
And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.
And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, “My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him.” And he starts weeping.
And the bartender’s, like, “No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.”
And the pianist is, like, “That’s not true. I’m worthless!”
And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, “Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life.
If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.”
And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.
So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.
So the guy’s, like, “Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.”
And the genie’s, like, “Who says they’re broken?” And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.
And the guy’s, like, “Well done.”
And then the genie says, “That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ip11y/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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[NSFW] A girl goes into a church one day to confess...

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ioz16/nsfw_a_girl_goes_into_a_church_one_day_to_confess/
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I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iovq9/i_found_my_son_hanging_from_a_rope_in_his_bedroom/
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A man calls the hotel receptionist where he is staying,

"My wife and I were arguing earlier and now she's trying to jump out of the window.  Send someone to room 314 please!"
The receptionist responds, "Sir, that sounds like a personal problem.  Sort out the matter yourself."
The man is taken aback.  "How is this a personal problem?  I'm calling for maintenance, the window won't open!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iosc3/a_man_calls_the_hotel_receptionist_where_he_is/
%
Why have there been so much terrorist attacks lately?

Because terrorism is booming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ioqz2/why_have_there_been_so_much_terrorist_attacks/
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A Genie and an Idiot

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ioqsw/a_genie_and_an_idiot/
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Why do celebrities hate living in Nebraska and Iowa?

All the corn stalks there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ioqhp/why_do_celebrities_hate_living_in_nebraska_and/
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So an elderly golfer dies on the course and arrives at the pearly gates...

St. Peter looks upon his life and deems him worthy to enter heaven. But first, St. Peter asks him to recall the moments leading to his demise.
"I went out to the golf course, like i do every so often, and I was having a particularly great round. I was even on target to set a new personal best!"
Peter, confused, asks him, "So what happened? how did you end up here?"
The golfer looks at him and states, "I had a bad stroke..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ioj6y/so_an_elderly_golfer_dies_on_the_course_and/
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I'm afraid I had to put my dog down today.

He was getting really heavy and my arms hurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iocvo/im_afraid_i_had_to_put_my_dog_down_today/
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Have you seen Stephen Hawking's new communication device?

It really speaks for itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iob1o/have_you_seen_stephen_hawkings_new_communication/
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A neighbor's wife knocks on the door

She says "Your kids can't play with our children any more."
"Why?" the man asks, shocked.
"They keeping on calling the other kids gay, you should watch your language around them!"
The man replies "They couldn't have learned it from me, otherwise they would have been calling them faggots"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ioaol/a_neighbors_wife_knocks_on_the_door/
%
What does a camel do on a pudding?

Walks through the dessert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ioajs/what_does_a_camel_do_on_a_pudding/
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A man from quebec and a man from Newfoundland meet in a bar....

A man from Quebec and a man from Newfoundland meet in a bar, one of them finds a lamp, he rubs it and a genie comes out, he grants the two with one wish each.
the guy from Quebec says "i want a big, 40 foot wall arround the entire province"
the genie claps his fingers and says "here, done"
the one from Newfoundland aks "is your wall waterproof?"
"uhh yeah?" responded the guy from quebec
"fill her up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ioabu/a_man_from_quebec_and_a_man_from_newfoundland/
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Cabin Joke

So a guy goes to the mountains for retreat away from his family. So he hikes up the mountain and finally reaches his cabin. The cabin is actually part of a community and his first stop is the front office to find out which cabin is his for the week. So the guy working takes him on a small tour to show him all they have to offer. He shows him a nice little lake, the grills and at the end of the tour, the guy notices a line of men at a pretty big barrell with a hole near the top of the barrel.
Guy: what are they in line for?
Tour Guide: oh thats our main attraction! All you do is go up to the barrell, stick your pecker in the hole and you'll get a nice blow job. It really is amazing!
Guy: *obviously excited* OMG thats amazing! How much does it cost?
Tour Guide: thats the best part, its free! Its open everyday of the week except tuesday.
Guy: why is it closed tuesday?
Tour Guide: tuesday is your turn in the barrell
(Im sorry if it isnt written the best)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6io8fi/cabin_joke/
%
A teacher poses a question to her 1st grade students

She asks the students "If there are three birds all sitting on a fence and you shoot one of the birds off, how many birds are left sitting on the fence?"
Little Johnny immediately raises his hand and says "well there would be no birds left sitting on the fence because you shot one bird off and the sound of the gunshot would scare the other two birds away."
Taken aback the teacher says, "actually little Johnny this is a math problem, if there are three birds perched on a fence and you shoot one of the three birds off there would be only two birds left, 3-1=2, but hey *I like the way you think*."
Little Johnny looks puzzled and raises his hand again. The teacher, becoming a little aggravated by Johnny's questioning says "yes little Johnny, what is it?"
Little Johnny looks up at her and says "well teach I have got a question for you. If there are three women all sitting on a park bench, and all three of them are eating popsicles, one woman is licking her popsicle, one woman is biting her popsicle, and the last woman is sucking her popsicle, which one of the three women is married?"
The teacher thinks about it for a minute and she responds "well I would have to think that the woman who is sucking on her popsicle is definitely the one who is married." To which little Johnny replies "actually it is the woman who is wearing the wedding ring, but hey *I like the way you think*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6io88b/a_teacher_poses_a_question_to_her_1st_grade/
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Two guys are standing on the corner....

They see a dog licking his balls. One guy says to the other, "I wish I could do that." The other replies, "You should probably try to pet him first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6io85w/two_guys_are_standing_on_the_corner/
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A mother is driving her 4 year old daughter around town...

when a dildo slams the windshield *THWAP* and bounces off. The daughter, being young and curious, asks, "What was that?". Not wanting to explain a dildo to a 4yo, the mother replies, "Just a bug." Daughter exclaims, "Wow mom, that bug had a huge dick!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6io7dy/a_mother_is_driving_her_4_year_old_daughter/
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What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

A private tutor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6io7b0/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_never_farts_in_public/
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Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?

Iran.
Oman the whole story is ridiculous.
I basically had to Qatar cross the border.
Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.
I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.
Honestly I could tell you more but it Kuwait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6io4gq/have_i_ever_told_you_guys_about_how_i_escaped/
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Can I be your DNA Helicase?

So I can unzip your genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6inyw8/can_i_be_your_dna_helicase/
%
Your mom is like a bag of chips

Frito Lay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6inv93/your_mom_is_like_a_bag_of_chips/
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Protip: If you're looking for a needle in a haystack...

...you should probably be more concerned about confronting your horse concerning his drug problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ino6k/protip_if_youre_looking_for_a_needle_in_a_haystack/
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Joke my mom just told me when I asked her why she never tells any jokes

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!"  The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says: "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6injmj/joke_my_mom_just_told_me_when_i_asked_her_why_she/
%
My boyfriend said "Why don't you ever tell me when you're having an orgasm?"

I said "I would, but you're never around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6in870/my_boyfriend_said_why_dont_you_ever_tell_me_when/
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Imagine you're running away from a pack of hungry tigers. What do you do?

Stop imagining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6in5qe/imagine_youre_running_away_from_a_pack_of_hungry/
%
A woman walks into a bar

Bartender says, "That's funny, I was expecting a guy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6in41n/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
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Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6in2sw/fishermen_hate_him_you_wont_believe_the_one_item/
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I'm no longer a 23 year old virgin

I just turned 24.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imydk/im_no_longer_a_23_year_old_virgin/
%
A hot girl asked me if i wanted to watch a movie

Yesterday, a hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie
She asked, "What would you like to see?"
I said, "You pick".
She said, "You pick".
I said, "I don't care, you pick".
She said, "Sir, there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imy4k/a_hot_girl_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_watch_a_movie/
%
Why does everyone think jesus is coming back anyway?

He wasn't nailed to a boomerang..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imxyw/why_does_everyone_think_jesus_is_coming_back/
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Who is the coolest guy in the hospital?

The ultra sound guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imwqq/who_is_the_coolest_guy_in_the_hospital/
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To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide, but you cannot run...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imwfc/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
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During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.

The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.
The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.
As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said “Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imw6w/during_the_french_revolution_a_doctor_a_lawyer/
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"Door, let me inside."

"That's what I told your mom last night."
"...come again?"
"And that's what she said."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imqwb/door_let_me_inside/
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TIL you can get fired from a large American sandwich chain for messing up a single customer's order

Whoops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6impth/til_you_can_get_fired_from_a_large_american/
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Which sub never suffers from reposts?

r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imp8o/which_sub_never_suffers_from_reposts/
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Ladies, When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imnad/ladies_when_a_guy_calls_you_hothes_looking_at/
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It's true, Communists have swag...

Something We All Get...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imn2u/its_true_communists_have_swag/
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Telling poop jokes is not my favourite thing to do...

But it's a solid #2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imlwa/telling_poop_jokes_is_not_my_favourite_thing_to_do/
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What do children and grades have in common?

They're both fucking hard to raise
...just like your salaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imjxa/what_do_children_and_grades_have_in_common/
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My wife asked what panties i wanted her to wear on our date, i said i preferred

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imj70/my_wife_asked_what_panties_i_wanted_her_to_wear/
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What's the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne waits until puberty to come on a boy's face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imi2y/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
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A goat, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.

Bah dum tss!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imhnl/a_goat_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
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How does Mario communicate with Boos?

He uses a Luigi board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imhjw/how_does_mario_communicate_with_boos/
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Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.
Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been wined and dined before" girl says.
So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home.
Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" Asks man.
"Never been fucked before" says girl.
So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says...
"Well you're fucked now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6imgfq/not_for_the_easily_offended_my_favourite/
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I saw a great Indian porn film last night.

Miss Singh In Action.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6im7wr/i_saw_a_great_indian_porn_film_last_night/
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Q: Have You Ever Eaten Rabbit?

A: No, but I once found a hare in my soup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6im5e9/q_have_you_ever_eaten_rabbit/
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The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6im4vq/the_graduate_with_a_science_degree_asks_why_does/
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Whats a low-end PC's New Years Resolution?

800x600

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6im4gz/whats_a_lowend_pcs_new_years_resolution/
%
The old Mailman

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small
commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do
something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45
years.
So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house,
and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents
to thank him for all his hard work.
At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd
house, a cheque for 200 dollars.
At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered.
She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her
upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when
they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge
breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of
coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.
The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best
day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to
ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"
The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and
he said 'fuck him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6im47q/the_old_mailman/
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Remember when radical extremists were just kids pulling sick stunts off on their skateboards?

Gnarly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilze9/remember_when_radical_extremists_were_just_kids/
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A delightful angelic little boy was waiting

for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right.  It's on the left."
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're shitting me, right? You can't even find the Post Office."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ily35/a_delightful_angelic_little_boy_was_waiting/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a 12-inch lighter

Guy 1 asks: *"That is a big lighter you got there! Where did ya get it?"*
Guy 2 says: *"I rubbed this lamp right here, and a genie granted me a wish"*
Guy 1 goes: *"Cool, let me see it!"*
He rubbed the lamp and out came the genie. The genie tells him he can only have one wish.
Guys 1 wishes: *"I wish for a million bucks!"*
So the genie snaps his fingers and a few seconds later, thousands upon thousands of ducks come swarming into the bar.
Guys 1 says: *"What is this?! I said a million bucks not a million ducks!"*
Guys 2 says: *"Did you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ily30/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_guy_with_a/
%
What do you call a broken can opener?

A can't opener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilxg9/what_do_you_call_a_broken_can_opener/
%
Soviet pessimists and optimists

Soviet pessimist say "Ilya, things couldn't possibly get any worse"
Soviet optimist, with a big grin, says "Yes they can Sasha"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilxd2/soviet_pessimists_and_optimists/
%
Fear of the Dark

The recently concluded Father's Day made me recall that one time when I was a kid having trouble getting to sleep because I was afraid of the dark. My father said to me, "Son, there is nothing in the dark that isn't there when the lights are on - except for the occasional swarm of bats. So, g'night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilwzv/fear_of_the_dark/
%
A German was going to a trip in France...

He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilwpr/a_german_was_going_to_a_trip_in_france/
%
It's the end of the 2016 presidential race..

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted.
The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race.
The three candidates would run a lap around the White House and the person with he best time would become president.
Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes about 24 minutes. Trump goes next and arrives with a time of 14:26. Hillary Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can, trampling the flowers and shrubs in her way in an effort to beat Trump's time. She finally crosses the finish line at just under 10 minutes.
"Aha!" She exclaims, "That must be some kind of record!"
"I don't think so," says Obama, "Bush did 9:11"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilwn5/its_the_end_of_the_2016_presidential_race/
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What do you get when you cross a chicken with a pitbull?

Just the pitbull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilwkn/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_chicken_with_a/
%
He asked for a bottle of still water.

I handed him sparkling.
He said 'I asked for still water - this is sparkling.'
'Yeah - but it's still water.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilvb5/he_asked_for_a_bottle_of_still_water/
%
I sent in ten puns to my local newspaper's pun competition, hoping that, at least one of them would win something.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iltyb/i_sent_in_ten_puns_to_my_local_newspapers_pun/
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Why did the feminists starve at the picnic?

Because no one wanted to make the sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilrs6/why_did_the_feminists_starve_at_the_picnic/
%
My dad always wanted me to be a millionaire and thankfully I didn't disappoint him.

He died before he got a chance to see how poor I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilrcz/my_dad_always_wanted_me_to_be_a_millionaire_and/
%
Why wasn't the shipwrecked Redditor spotted by the coast guard?

He used the wrong flair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilqmg/why_wasnt_the_shipwrecked_redditor_spotted_by_the/
%
I was thrown out of school because my boyfriend filled out my application.

They said I didn't apply myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilpkh/i_was_thrown_out_of_school_because_my_boyfriend/
%
I have designed a website for orphans

there isn't a home page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilo85/i_have_designed_a_website_for_orphans/
%
The lesbian neighbours were having sex last night, so I knocked on their door and complained about the noise.

I said, "Can you be a bit louder please? I'm trying to have a wank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilmsw/the_lesbian_neighbours_were_having_sex_last_night/
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What do yo call someone who has pictures of little wooden boys?

A Gepetto-phile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilm72/what_do_yo_call_someone_who_has_pictures_of/
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A man was invited to a wedding...

When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them...
1. Bride relatives
2. Groom relatives
He entered the groom door and found two doors again.
1. Ladies
2. Men
He entered men door and found two doors again.
1. People with gifts
2. People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts )... He found himself outside the hotel.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilkt0/a_man_was_invited_to_a_wedding/
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What's Donald Trump's least favorite band?

Foreigner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilhzg/whats_donald_trumps_least_favorite_band/
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It's not what's on the outside that matters...

What matters is what you look like naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilejs/its_not_whats_on_the_outside_that_matters/
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Dead crows on the highway...

The police found over 2000 dead crows on highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
They then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilcfn/dead_crows_on_the_highway/
%
They kicked me out of Japan

I was disoriented.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilbua/they_kicked_me_out_of_japan/
%
Plastic surgery anonymous

"Hello everyone, welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous, I see a lot of new faces here today and I have to say I'm really disappointed with you all..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilb45/plastic_surgery_anonymous/
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2 of Them

A bloke is pottering about in his garage,changing his fan belt on his car,when little Johnny from next door walks in and say's "do ya mind if I watch ya Mr?"
"No not at all" replies the bloke and gets a spanner from his toolbox.
Little Johnny say's "My dad's got 2 of them ya know!"
The bloke replies "has he now?"
And gets a long bar out of his tool box..
Again little Johnny pipes up..."My dads got 2 of them"
This time a little perturbed the bloke says nothing.
Next he gets a large pair of pliers out of his tool box.
Little Johnny says "my dads got 2 of them!"
Pissed off the bloke walks over to his work bench and lobs his cock out "Bet your fucking dad ain't got two of them has he now??!!"
To which little Johnny says "Nahh Mr,but he's got one that will make two of that!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilaw1/2_of_them/
%
A man was sentenced to death, but wasn't told how they'll kill him.

Needless to say, they left him hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ilalo/a_man_was_sentenced_to_death_but_wasnt_told_how/
%
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden butt naked. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6il89h/a_beautiful_woman_loved_growing_tomatoes/
%
A newlywed couple has just retired to their honeymoon suite to consummate their marriage

As they undress, the groom hands his pants to the bride and says, "here, put these on."
The bride pulls them on and says, "honey, I can't wear these pants, they're too big."
The groom replies, "that's right. I wear the pants in this relationship."
The bride then picks up her lacy panties and hands it to her husband, telling him to put it on. He turns to her and says, "It's too small, I can't get into your panties."
She smiles at him and says, "that's right, and that's not going to change unless you drop the attitude."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6il38m/a_newlywed_couple_has_just_retired_to_their/
%
I told my wife to put her coat on...

She said 'why, are we going out?'
'No,' I said, 'I'm going out and I'll be turning the heat off.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6il0ih/i_told_my_wife_to_put_her_coat_on/
%
A delivery driver asked me what time it was…

I said, “Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ikznx/a_delivery_driver_asked_me_what_time_it_was/
%
An old woman drinks whisky for the first time.

She thinks for a while, and then says: “Strange, the stuff tastes exactly like the medicine my late husband had to take for twenty years!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ikyko/an_old_woman_drinks_whisky_for_the_first_time/
%
Dating a hoarder

I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iky3v/dating_a_hoarder/
%
Heard about the man with chronic dandruff who was attacked by a shark?

They found his head and shoulders on the beach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ikr3k/heard_about_the_man_with_chronic_dandruff_who_was/
%
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.

He goes to the bartender and ask
"I'll take a beer ! And another one for the road !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ikq8d/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_slab_of_asphalt/
%
What did the Sushi say to the Bee?

Wasabi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ikp72/what_did_the_sushi_say_to_the_bee/
%
Legless Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, *"Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"*
The parrot says, *"I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."*
*"Holy shit,"* the guy replies. *"You actually understood and answered me!"*
*"I got every word,"* says the parrot. *”I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."*
*"Oh yeah?"*, the guy asks, *"Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"*
*"Well,"* the parrot says, *"this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."*
*"Wow"* says the guy, *"you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"*
*"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."*
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. *”Sorry, but I just can't afford that."*
*"Pssssssst"* says the parrot, *"I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"*
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes *"Psssssssssssst"* and motions him over with one wing. *"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."*
*"What are you talking about?"* asks the guy.
*"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."*
*"WHAT???"* the guy asks incredulously. *"THEN what happened?"*
*"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over"* reported the parrot.
*"My God!"* he exclaims. *"Then what?"*
*"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."*
*"WELL???"* demands the frantic guy, *"THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"*
*"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ikfoc/legless_parrot/
%
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ika5b/my_friend_told_me_he_hated_blue_cheese_because/
%
Where's the worst place to buy a chess set?

A pawn shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ik8fq/wheres_the_worst_place_to_buy_a_chess_set/
%
What did the cow say to Adele as she walked past its field?

“Hello from the udder side.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ik5op/what_did_the_cow_say_to_adele_as_she_walked_past/
%
Pavlov is sitting in a bar when suddenly someone rings the service bell

"Shit!" Pavlov screams jumping up, "I forgot to feed the dogs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ik0w3/pavlov_is_sitting_in_a_bar_when_suddenly_someone/
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Donald Trump's is short, and Madonna doesn't have one. What is it?

A last name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijyxh/arnold_schwarzenegger_has_a_long_one_donald/
%
Forget everything you learned in college.

You won't need it working here.
'But I never went to college.
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijtyq/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college/
%
Have you ever noticed...

Ireland is one "sea" from Iceland?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijtal/have_you_ever_noticed/
%
According to this nutrition label...

I am a family of four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijret/according_to_this_nutrition_label/
%
I met an Asian girl today with the last name of "China"

It was her made-in name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijrbo/i_met_an_asian_girl_today_with_the_last_name_of/
%
If I had a nickel for every time a girl didn't find me attractive...

Girls would find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijqwb/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_a_girl_didnt/
%
Three men are on a mountain top with a spiritual guru.

The guru says to the men, "This peak is magical. If you jump off of this cliff and speak, you will take the form of what it is you speak.
The guru shows them. He leaps off the cliff and says, "eagle" and flies away in the form of an eagle.
The first man jumps off the edge and yells, "a beautiful butterfly" and takes shape as a butterfly and flies away.
The second man dives off the cliff and shouts, "Phoenix!" And turns into a Phoenix and flies away.
The third man cannot decide what to transform into. He is pacing back and forth trying to think when he trips and falls over the edge.
"Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijqtn/three_men_are_on_a_mountain_top_with_a_spiritual/
%
At a substance rehabilitation center, a sign is displayed on the lawn

"Keep off of the grass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijpjw/at_a_substance_rehabilitation_center_a_sign_is/
%
My friend Todd is a midget and was asked to judge paintings at an art show...

While reviewing the entries, they came across a particularly terrible painting.
"Oh my god, this is amazing," said Todd, "I think we've found our winner."
"Are you for real?" one of the other judges asked.
"No, I'm just a little art official."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijor6/my_friend_todd_is_a_midget_and_was_asked_to_judge/
%
A stiff, and swollen upper lip

A british man staggers into a hospital in atlanta, badly beaten and bruised. 'Can someone help me?' he moans, before collapsing in a dead faint. When he comes to,several hours later a doctor and police officer are at his bedside, looking at him anxiously.
'Who did this to you sir?' asks the officer.
' I say, I was walking along and I saw some gentlemen of african descent spray painting a wall...'
'And you tried to stop them? Gee... you shouldn't mess with these gangsters sir, you never know how they'll react.'
'Well, no... I didnt try and stop them... you see it rather looked like fun, so I asked if I could join in. They laughed at me first, but then they let me join in with one of their spray cans. I thought I'd write my name in spray paint you know... sign my work...so to speak, but all of a sudden they started beating the living daylights out of me, I didnt even finish! They must really hate guys named Nigel'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijohe/a_stiff_and_swollen_upper_lip/
%
A group of scientists were conducting an experiment on dogs...

They wanted to see if the dog mirrored the personalities of his owner. They aquired the dog of an accountant, the dog of an architect and the dog of a waiter and put them in the same room with a stack of bones. They videotaped the dogs overnight and were amazed by what they found the next day.
The accountants dog took the bones and organized them into small stacks of five so they could be counted easier.
The architects dog then took those bones and built a beautiful, structurally sound tower out of them.
The waiter's dog then took the bones, ground them into a fine powder, snorted it, screwed the other two dogs in the butt and called in sick the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijn16/a_group_of_scientists_were_conducting_an/
%
My son grew a foot in the last 3 months.

Anybody know where I can find shoes in sets of 3?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijmy0/my_son_grew_a_foot_in_the_last_3_months/
%
Something tells me I'm in for a long day,

. . . like the longest day I've had in a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijg32/something_tells_me_im_in_for_a_long_day/
%
Whom do the inches follow?

Their ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijftj/whom_do_the_inches_follow/
%
A woman is waiting for her elderly husband to come home

She turns on the news and sees a live report of a dangerous motorist driving the wrong way down the motorway, so she calls her husband to warn him.
He responds: "Just one? There's bloody hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijefx/a_woman_is_waiting_for_her_elderly_husband_to/
%
My UPS guy always tells the best jokes

It's all in the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijcrg/my_ups_guy_always_tells_the_best_jokes/
%
How do you know who the most popular man at a nudist colony is?

The one that can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts
How to tell who the most popular woman is?
The one that can eat the last donut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijcdu/how_do_you_know_who_the_most_popular_man_at_a/
%
I saw a kidnapping in the park

Pretty soon a policeman was there, he told the kid he's not allowed to sleep there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ijawd/i_saw_a_kidnapping_in_the_park/
%
Tell a man a joke he'll laugh for a day

Tell a redditor a joke he will repost for a lifetime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ij77z/tell_a_man_a_joke_hell_laugh_for_a_day/
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What do you call a male pig with no legs and delusions of being a weather forecaster?

Groundhog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ij6q2/what_do_you_call_a_male_pig_with_no_legs_and/
%
When a guy lies about the size of his penis

It's a phallacy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ij4lg/when_a_guy_lies_about_the_size_of_his_penis/
%
A weasel walks into a bar...

...and asks for a bottle of water.
The clerk at the counter says, "We don't have water. Would you like anything else?"
The weasel looks around, and spots the nearest case of drinks.
"I'll have a pop," goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ij4ha/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So there were 6 naked women

Sounds great, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ij18n/so_there_were_6_naked_women/
%
A cosmonaut's sob story

I always knew that I wanted to be as astronaut , even when I was a little boy. However, I knew my father would not be supportive of me because he would always tell me "The sky's the limit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iiz9o/a_cosmonauts_sob_story/
%
So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iiwo2/so_barack_obama_and_donald_trump_somehow_ended_up/
%
Why was Hitler never an athlete?

He couldn't finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iit0z/why_was_hitler_never_an_athlete/
%
The Chicken Farmer Coincidence.

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.
“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”
“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different rooster,” he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iisfv/the_chicken_farmer_coincidence/
%
Father Joseph, a missionary, was touring the African village in which he lived, when suddenly a man came up to him.

"Father Joseph!" the man demanded. "Everyone is black in this village, but my son was recently born white! You are the only white man within 200 miles! Explain yourself!"
Father Joseph sheepishly answered, "Now, uh, don't judge too harshly," and pointed towards the goats. "You see, goats are normally white and that one was born black! It's just one of nature's mysteries that you have to accept."
"Oh, I understand, Father Joseph," the black man said. "I stop talking about the white child, and you stop talking about the black goat, OK?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iinot/father_joseph_a_missionary_was_touring_the/
%
A man and his wife had plans to attend a costume party.

The night of the party, the wife suddenly got a headache and said she couldn't go, but encouraged her husband to attend. He reluctantly put on his mask and headed to the party.
The wife suddenly woke up from a nap feeling much better. She got an idea - she went and bought a different costume than she was planning, along with a mask, and went to the party, to see how get husband acted without her around.
She walked in and was surprised to see her husband downing drink after drink, and dancing wildly with multiple women. At first the wife was upset, but then decided to see how far he would go.
She danced up to him and started grinding on him, and quickly he put his full attention on her. After a few minutes she whispered in his ear that they should go to a bedroom upstairs.
She said "let's keep our masks on" and then they went at it like animals. She did more than she had ever done with him before.
After it was over she hurried home and got into bed. Her husband came home and she asked "how was the party?"
He replied "Eh, I wasn't really having much fun so I left early to play cards with the guys. I lent my costume to John, though, and boy did he have a good time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iil59/a_man_and_his_wife_had_plans_to_attend_a_costume/
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If nothing is faster than the speed of light

Why did I see that Asian lady turn before I saw her blinker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iikg9/if_nothing_is_faster_than_the_speed_of_light/
%
What is blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iijq8/what_is_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
%
Trump, wishing to visit New Zealand calls Bill English

Mr. English's secretary answers the phone. "Hello! This is the office of Bill English."
Trump says "Hello. This is President Donald Trump of the United States of America. I  wish to know the time difference between New Zealand and Washington."
The secratary responds "Just a second, Mr. President."
Trump promptly hangs up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iid43/trump_wishing_to_visit_new_zealand_calls_bill/
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German Refugee

A refugee is sitting in the street in Berlin, bemoaning his life, when suddenly, a genie appears.
"I'm the socialist, liberal genie," says he, "and I'm here to grant you three wishes."
The refugee says "You see this gap in my teeth? I want it fixed." No sooner does he say that, that he gets a copy of a new law, decreeing that all refugees in Germany will get free health and dental care, courtesy of the state. He ran to the dentist and got his teeth fixed for free.
He is ecstatic, and says "I want a fully furnished house, endless money and to be reunited with my family." No sooner does he say this, that a new law is passed, guaranteeing all refugees in Germany a fully furnished new home, welfare, and reunification with their families. And in his hands were a deed to his new home, and refugee papers for his family.
The man is stunned. He had gotten everything he wanted, and still had a wish left. So he said "I want to be a German citizen. In fact, I want to be named Fritz." And as soon as he said that, his teeth went back to having a gap, and his house and family disappeared.
"What happened?!" he yelled.
"What do you mean, 'what happened'?" replied the genie. "You're a german now. You should be ashamed, trying to live off of government money. Go get a job, Fritz!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ii92u/german_refugee/
%
I'm never playing uno with Mexicans again.

They take all the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ii7r1/im_never_playing_uno_with_mexicans_again/
%
A blind guy walks into a bar.

He picks up his dog and starts swinging it around over his head. The bartender yells, What the fuck are you doing? Do you need help? No says the blind man.... I'm just having a look around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ii5l5/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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So my German girlfriend...

Likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale from 1 to 10.
Last night I tried anal. She kept yelling "9". You will never believe it, that's my best rating yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ii36i/so_my_german_girlfriend/
%
A guy asks a girl if they can talk about her boobs.

Girl says, "No, why would we want to talk about that?"
Guy says, "Well you're the one that bra'd it up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ii2hb/a_guy_asks_a_girl_if_they_can_talk_about_her_boobs/
%
Mr. and Mrs. White lived a happy life together . . .

Mr. and Mrs. White lived a happy life together. Every Sunday Mr. White would go out hunting while Mrs. White stayed at home and watched her shows.
One Sunday Mrs. White decides she wants to go hunting with her husband. Her husband agrees and goes over the basics of hunting and safety. Before leaving, her husband tells her one piece of advice.
"If you manage to take down a deer, make sure to run over to it, mount a foot on the body, gun in the air, and declare loudly 'THIS IS MY DEER. GO GET YOUR OWN.' There are hunters out there that are dickish enough to steal a kill from a lady."
Mrs. White took in the advice and off they went to the woods to hunt. Mr. White set up his wife in a nice seclusive spot, telling her he will be back in a few hours.
Some time passes and Mrs. White is getting bored when a deer came crashing thru the bush and into view. Mrs. White, remembering what her husband had taught her, raised her gun, aimed, and fired. The deer went down with a loud thud.
Mrs. White felt proud of herself until she saw a man come crashing through the bush. Fearing he was trying to take her kill, she ran to the body, placed a foot on it, raised her gun in the air and shouted "THIS IS MY DEER. GO GET YOUR OWN!" At the man.
The man, shocked, put his hands up and backed away. "Okay, ma'am, you can have it. Can I at least get the saddle back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ii0f6/mr_and_mrs_white_lived_a_happy_life_together/
%
Which Marvel superhero was transgender?

Ironman, he's a Fe male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ihzgu/which_marvel_superhero_was_transgender/
%
A girl calls her boyfriend and says... come over to my house, there's no one home.

He goes to her house and there's no one home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ihvgt/a_girl_calls_her_boyfriend_and_says_come_over_to/
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I saw my girlfriend midway through sex with another guy.

So I pulled up my pants and told him to hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ihslf/i_saw_my_girlfriend_midway_through_sex_with/
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It was so hot in Phoenix, the entire city burned to ground was reduced to ashes

Dont worry, it came right back up the next morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ihpib/it_was_so_hot_in_phoenix_the_entire_city_burned/
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I have a 2 headed dog

But sadly she's a mutant and was born with only one head 😥

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ihjaa/i_have_a_2_headed_dog/
%
Who's the coolest guy in a Hospital?

The Ultra Sound guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ihf1j/whos_the_coolest_guy_in_a_hospital/
%
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ihdk7/what_do_you_call_a_kid_who_doesnt_believe_in_santa/
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Why do some couples not go to the gym together?

Because not all relationships work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ihcyr/why_do_some_couples_not_go_to_the_gym_together/
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A man walks into a bar...

And stays there my entire childhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ihcey/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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The cat that fell off a roof

A man who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to tell him of any emergencies.
A few days into his trip, his cat slipped while climbing the roof, fell off and died. His friend immediately texts him with the message: “Your cat died!”
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief. When he saw his friend he yelled at him, “Why didn’t you break the news to me slowly? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’, and the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down gradually that he died.”
After a quick memorial service, the man left again to continue his trip. A few days later he gets a text from his friend. It read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ihb7j/the_cat_that_fell_off_a_roof/
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Why did the python programmer run into the pole?

He couldn't C it.
Don't worry, i'll cout<<"myself";

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ihb17/why_did_the_python_programmer_run_into_the_pole/
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Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ihaqj/why_cant_helen_keller_drive/
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An Old Scottish Couple

Once there was a couple in the far north of Scotland named Angus and Edith. They were married for nearly sixty years until Angus fell ill. Knowing he was not long for this world, Angus told his wife "Edith, when I die, I want nothing special. Just a funeral as simple as can be without any big thing of it."
After he passed, Edith arranged a simple funeral for him. Then she went to the local newspaper to put in an obituary. Her entry read the following:
"Angus died"
The editor was a bit surprised by this. He responded "Ma'am, that's a bit short. We charge for every five words, so you can add another three for the same price."
Edith pondered this a moment, then wrote a new obituary for her late husband:
"Angus died. Boat for sale."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ih8pm/an_old_scottish_couple/
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My mates Battlefield Galactica CD won't eject from my 320 GB duel processor PlayStation 4... NSFW

Okay now that all the women have skipped this post does anyone know any good porn websites?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ih73l/my_mates_battlefield_galactica_cd_wont_eject_from/
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What do you call a mad stick?

Twiggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ih5bj/what_do_you_call_a_mad_stick/
%
Why did the chicken climb up to the roof?

So it could see what was across the road!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ih2vz/why_did_the_chicken_climb_up_to_the_roof/
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A man has been dating his girlfriend for quite a while...

...and the girl's father wants to make sure he is faithful, so he talks to his oldest daughter and tells her to "tease him, show him your interested and try to take him upstairs to have sex. If he goes upstairs, let me know right away!"
So the night comes where the guy is hanging out at the father's house and he thinks he is alone waiting for his gf to get home. The eldest sister comes downstairs dressed in nothing but sexy lingerie and starts talking dirty and doing a strip tease and says "no one is going to be home for a while, why don't you follow me upstairs?"
The guy gets up right away and runs out the front door. Waiting in the driveway is the father who hugs the guy and says he is a class act and the right man for his daughter. All while this is happening, the guy is saying in his mind "thank god I left the condom in the car"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igywu/a_man_has_been_dating_his_girlfriend_for_quite_a/
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Three vampires walk into a bar...

Three vampires walk into a bar. Two of them order Bloody Mary's, and the other orders a cup of hot water. The bartender finds this odd, but didn't want to offend the vampire by asking, so he dismisses it. They do this for three days in a row, and each night its the same bartender on duty. On the third night, he finally works up the courage to ask, "Why do you order hot water while your friends order Bloody Mary's?" He questions, while serving their orders. The vampire smiles widely, then holds up a used tampon and says, "I like to make tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igy6s/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach?

It isn't hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igvy7/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
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I identify as a ferrari

Because I like to have two people inside of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igun9/i_identify_as_a_ferrari/
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A story of old vs young

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me? Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!" Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back." Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..." Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igsna/a_story_of_old_vs_young/
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If there's no God...

...then who spins the plate in microwave?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igrzw/if_theres_no_god/
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How do you kill a hipster?

Drown them, in the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igruc/how_do_you_kill_a_hipster/
%
A man is standing on a bridge over a dangerous river,

constantly saying "63, 63, 63..." over and over. Suddenly a tourist comes by and asks why is he just standing there repeating that number. The man didn't answer, instead he just pushes the tourist off the bridge into the river and says: "64, 64, 64..."
Credit: dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igrox/a_man_is_standing_on_a_bridge_over_a_dangerous/
%
What's blue and doesn't weight very much?

Lite Blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igotf/whats_blue_and_doesnt_weight_very_much/
%
I was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year

Which is great, I can finally make cancer jokes without feeling bad about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igooa/i_was_diagnosed_with_cancer_earlier_this_year/
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I wanted to be a Math teacher.

But in the end it just didn't add up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igokn/i_wanted_to_be_a_math_teacher/
%
I'm good in bed.

I can sleep for days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igo27/im_good_in_bed/
%
What do you call Wonder Woman's boyfriend's penis?

Amazon Fulfillment Center

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iglgg/what_do_you_call_wonder_womans_boyfriends_penis/
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Asked the Priest for forgiveness because I ate a dog today

.
He said I would suffer eternal dalmatian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igje1/asked_the_priest_for_forgiveness_because_i_ate_a/
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What's the difference between Skyrim and a cow?

You stop milking a cow after 6 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ighel/whats_the_difference_between_skyrim_and_a_cow/
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I came home today to find my sister watching an action movie.

She told me she was watching it to learn how to fight. The next day I came home and she was watching a romantic comedy. She told me she was watching it to learn how to love. The day after that I came home and as I arrived there was a pizza delivery guy leaving the house. When I walked inside my sister told me she found a movie under my bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igfzi/i_came_home_today_to_find_my_sister_watching_an/
%
Why shouldnt you have sex with your cousin in a moving elevator?

Because its wrong on every level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6igf4a/why_shouldnt_you_have_sex_with_your_cousin_in_a/
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How do Japanese chihuahua's say hello?

Konnichichuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ig5p8/how_do_japanese_chihuahuas_say_hello/
%
In Russia, People Don't Choose Russia's President

People choose United States president

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ig022/in_russia_people_dont_choose_russias_president/
%
The blind date

Joe went out on a blind date to the carnival.
“What would you like to do first, Kim?” asked Joe.
“I want to get weighed,” she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 pounds
and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
“I want to get weighed,” she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight,
and Joe lost his pound.
The couple walked around the carnival some more and again Joe
asked where to next.
“I want to get weighed,” she responded.
By this time, Joe was figuring she was kind of weird and took her
home early, dropping her off with a polite handshake.
Her room-mate, Laura, asked her about the blind date,
“So, how did it go?”
Kim responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ifyx2/the_blind_date/
%
A battalion of Russian soldiers crosses Finnish border

Winter, 1939. A battalion of Russian soldiers crosses Finnish border. As they are marching, someone shouts from behind a forested hill:
"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russians!"
The battalion commander hears this, mutters "we'll see about that", handpicks ten of his finest soldiers and orders them to kill the man behind the hill.
The Russians summit the hill and as soon as the last of them disappears behind it, a hail of gun fire erupts. Then a silence, which is only broken by a confident shout:
"One Finnish soldier is better than hundred Russians!"
Agitated, the commander order his heavily armed top squad of hundred soldiers to go behind the hill and kill the man. The squad marches towards where they heard the shout. As soon as the last one is gone from sight, a barrage of heavy gunfire echoes in the forest, ending with an explosion. Deafening silence falls, but is soon broken by a shout:
"One Finnish soldier is better than THOUSAND Russians!"
Furious, the battalion commander decides to outsmart the man and orders 1,001 of his bravest soldiers to go beyond the hill and kill the man and bring back his head.
The 1,001 men swarm the hill and as soon as they have disappeared, gunfire, several explosions, cursing and yelling, dying screams that seem to last forever. After a long while, deadly silence finally falls. The battalion commander is shaken. Then, he sees a badly wounded Russian soldier crawling from the forested hill, leaving behind him a trail of blood and guts.
"Comrade commander!" he cries with a broken voice. "Don't do it! It's a trap! There's two of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ifxo9/a_battalion_of_russian_soldiers_crosses_finnish/
%
A young man moved from his parents home...

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ifxiy/a_young_man_moved_from_his_parents_home/
%
On what side of a chicken do the feathers grow the best?

The outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ifrl8/on_what_side_of_a_chicken_do_the_feathers_grow/
%
Mickey and Minnie get a divorce

Mickey Mouse is talking to the judge trying to get a divorce from Minnie.
The judge says, "So it says here you are seeking for a divorce from your wife because you think she's crazy? Do you have any evidence of this?"
Mickey then says, " No, Your Honor. I don't think she's crazy... she fucking Goofy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ifrey/mickey_and_minnie_get_a_divorce/
%
A guy walks into a bar

He sees some meat hanging off the ceiling. Curious he asks the bartender,
"What's with all the hanging meat?"
Bartender replies, "It's a challenge for the patrons. If you can touch the meat, you win $1000. If you can't, I pluck one of your eyeballs out."
The man looks at the floor, then looks up to the ceiling. He then says,
"I won't do it...the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ifq8b/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
To this day, the guy who took my lunch money during school still takes my money.

On the bright side, he makes really good subway sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ifq4r/to_this_day_the_guy_who_took_my_lunch_money/
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes...

So when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ifq1c/before_you_criticize_someone_walk_a_mile_in_their/
%
Was with my girlfriend yesterday..

We discussed if we should go bowling or just stay at home and chill.
Told her that I didn't want my fingers where everyone else's fingers had been.
So we went bowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ifpaa/was_with_my_girlfriend_yesterday/
%
Why do French tanks have rear windows?

So they can see the battlefield!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ifnrm/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_windows/
%
What do cars eat on their toast?

Traffic Jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ifn96/what_do_cars_eat_on_their_toast/
%
Alcohol and life

Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ifl0b/alcohol_and_life/
%
What is yellow and can't swim?

A school bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ifkv3/what_is_yellow_and_cant_swim/
%
What did the doctor say to the dwarf in his waiting room?

"You're just gonna have to be a little patient."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ifepq/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_dwarf_in_his/
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What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef!!!!! What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6if7er/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs_ground_beef/
%
I made a chicken salad this morning.

Stupid thing won't even eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6if6yu/i_made_a_chicken_salad_this_morning/
%
How do you blind an Asian?

Put a windshield in front of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6if6qg/how_do_you_blind_an_asian/
%
How do you find out if a person is ticklish?

Give them test tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6if6o7/how_do_you_find_out_if_a_person_is_ticklish/
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How do you get your wife to go on her hands and knees?

You hide under a bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6if6dj/how_do_you_get_your_wife_to_go_on_her_hands_and/
%
Brain

There is nothing left in your right brain and there is nothing right in your left brain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6if5kb/brain/
%
How does a welshman find sheep in long grass?

Delightful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6if57a/how_does_a_welshman_find_sheep_in_long_grass/
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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6if4y8/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_were_waiting/
%
A man walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting alone

He calls over a waitress and tells her to send the woman the bar's most expensive champagne.
The woman looks over the champagne then brings it to the man saying, "I can not accept anything from a man unless he has a Mercedes in his garage, $1M in the bank and 7 inches in his pants."
The man is outraged at this woman's demands.  He explains, "I have two Mercedes in my garage, over $2M in the bank, but not even for you would I cut off 2 inches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6if4pp/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_notices_a_beautiful/
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If I had a dog...

... I would name it 5 miles. Then I could tell people I walk '5 miles' everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6if44p/if_i_had_a_dog/
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Did you hear about the hippo on trial for murder?

He's currently in de Nile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6if3tl/did_you_hear_about_the_hippo_on_trial_for_murder/
%
Dear NASA,

I was big enough for your mom.
- Pluto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6if1kt/dear_nasa/
%
Why can't you gamble in Africa?

Because of cheetahs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ievdb/why_cant_you_gamble_in_africa/
%
Did you know Abraham Lincoln was jewish?

He was shot in the temple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ieu7j/did_you_know_abraham_lincoln_was_jewish/
%
What time do Asians go to the dentist?

2:30

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ierxj/what_time_do_asians_go_to_the_dentist/
%
When geese are migrating, why is one side of the V longer than the other?

That side has more geese on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ieruq/when_geese_are_migrating_why_is_one_side_of_the_v/
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What do you call trails where crazy people walk?

Psychopaths

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ieqtp/what_do_you_call_trails_where_crazy_people_walk/
%
Man walks into a store to return a doorbell...

A clerk asks if he needs help and the man tells him "Yes I'm here to return a doorbell, she's broken."
The clerk says "Why did you just call that doorbell 'she'?"
The man says "Because it's a female doorbell."
The clerk asks "How do you figure that?"
The man says "Because it has a ding but no dong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iepu4/man_walks_into_a_store_to_return_a_doorbell/
%
What is the name of the TSAs mascot?

Frisky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iep52/what_is_the_name_of_the_tsas_mascot/
%
I was behind this lady at checkout in the grocery store the other day

I was watching the items they were ringing up;
1 quart of milk
3 single serving microwave dinners
10 LB bag of cat food
She looked back at me and smiled. So I took the opportunity and said, "Hello! I bet you're single, aren't you?"
She says, " How could you know that? Just from the things I bought??"
I said, "No, it's because you're fucking ugly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ieowr/i_was_behind_this_lady_at_checkout_in_the_grocery/
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A woman was killed after walking in front of a street paver.

It was her own dumb asphalt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ienw2/a_woman_was_killed_after_walking_in_front_of_a/
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My grandmother went to a gynecologist to check on hey cervical cancer.

The doctor says to my grandmother: "Now, Mrs. Smith, I'm going to insert my finger..."
My grandmother replies: "Can you put in two? I want a second opinion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iene4/my_grandmother_went_to_a_gynecologist_to_check_on/
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How do you know when a joke becomes a Dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iemwq/how_do_you_know_when_a_joke_becomes_a_dad_joke/
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For Father's Day, my wife gave me a rear facing camera for my car.

I haven't looked back since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iel8s/for_fathers_day_my_wife_gave_me_a_rear_facing/
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If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?

The United States of America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iektj/if_donald_trump_and_mike_pence_were_on_a_stranded/
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Mr. Lee Sum Wan and Mr.Sori

Sam Wan: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Mr. Sori: Yes, you could speak to me.
Sam Wan: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr. Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Sam Wan: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Mr. Sori: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Sam Wan: Well just tell my sister, Annie Wan, that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr. Sori: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!!!
Sam Wan: You are rude. Who are you?
Mr. Sori: I'm Sori.
Sam Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr. Sori: I'm Sori!!
Sam Wan: I don't like your tone of voice, Mister! And I don't care, give me your name!
Mr. Sori: Look man, I told you already I'm Sori! I'm Sori!! I'm SORI!!! You didn't even give me your name!
Sam Wan: I told you before I'm Sam Wan! I'm Sam Wan!!! You better be careful, my father is Sam Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy!
Mr. Sori: Oh I'm so scared (sarcastically). Look I don't care about your uncle who's nobody. Everybody thinks they're top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Sam Wan: No, Avery Buddy just married my uncle who's Noe Buddy. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.
Mr. Sori: Like I said, I don't care if your uncle screws everybody and I also know that not everyone works here! Jeez!!!
Sam Wan: Now, Avery Wan is my mother!
Mr. Sori: You need one! Okay, look, I got work to do and if I'm feeling mischievous I'll broadcast it on the P.A. system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that anyone's brother just got involved in an accident. No one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe somebody but if you're their uncle, you're nobody." How bow dah?
Sam Wan: Why don't you do it right now?
Mr. Sori: Fine! I will! (irritably announces message)
Sam Wan: ...by the way Yoe Nead Wan is also my cousin who is your supervisor.
Mr. Sori: Whatever! I don't care who you're related to anymore. And my supervisor is Yoe... (long pause) Oh... I'm sorry...
Sam Wan: Sorry?!! Sorry?!! ...Sori? (long pause) Are you the guy dating my sister-in-law, Annie Moore?
Mr. Sori: No... Not anymore...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iek30/mr_lee_sum_wan_and_mrsori/
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I had to quit my job at the Orange Juice factory, it was too distracting there.

I just couldn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iecw4/i_had_to_quit_my_job_at_the_orange_juice_factory/
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Why did the blonde burn to death?

She couldn't find the snooze button on the smoke alarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ie1d2/why_did_the_blonde_burn_to_death/
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I don't think of a woman as simply legs, or breasts....

I think of a woman as a whole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ie05a/i_dont_think_of_a_woman_as_simply_legs_or_breasts/
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"Tits man or ass man?" I was asked…

I thought to myself, "I really should have got in there earlier when they were giving out super hero names."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6idx8d/tits_man_or_ass_man_i_was_asked/
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Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6idvjc/ranchers_in_colorado_are_conducting_a_crucial/
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With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6idtth/with_the_rise_of_selfdriving_vehicles/
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Why did the computer programmer go to see his boss?

Because he wanted arrays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6idqc2/why_did_the_computer_programmer_go_to_see_his_boss/
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Little Eddy has really upset the girls at school

After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out in protest.
Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?"
The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know".
The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain."
Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building.
The class remains quiet.
The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that?
Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish.
At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out.
Eddy looks around and says:
Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are not hiring yet, still waiting for final permit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6idp1v/little_eddy_has_really_upset_the_girls_at_school/
%
I seriously hate Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6idn3z/i_seriously_hate_russian_dolls/
%
My older brother got a new watch.

My older brother was bragging about his new gold watch. When I asked him how he got it he said "easy! I caught mom and dad having sex. Mom bought me this watch and told me not to tell anyone."
So last Friday night I waited until my parents had been in bed for about 10 minutes and burst open the door. My dads bare ass was right in my face. He shouted "what the fuck do you want son?!"
I replied "I want a watch!"
My dad said "well pull up a chair you're letting a draught in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6idloc/my_older_brother_got_a_new_watch/
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At the train station...

Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?
Conductor: No Ma'am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.
Lady: Don't be funny. What I'm trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.
Conductor: No Ma'am, it's too heavy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6idlbk/at_the_train_station/
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If we can get Al Franken to run for President, with the Green Party candidate as his running mate, my bumper sticker would be...

Franken Stein 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6idj2h/if_we_can_get_al_franken_to_run_for_president/
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A man was driving along the motorway

When all of a sudden, he sees two crisps (potato chips) walking along the side of the road.
Perplexed by this and concerned for their safety he leans out and shouts "Hey! You two want a lift anywhere?", to which the crisps stopped and replied "No thanks mate, we're Walkers".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6idhgr/a_man_was_driving_along_the_motorway/
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Some people bring pepper spray for self protection. Others carry a gun.

I bring Goo-Gone for sticky situations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ideww/some_people_bring_pepper_spray_for_self/
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What kind of fish is good with peanut butter?

Jellyfish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6idbg8/what_kind_of_fish_is_good_with_peanut_butter/
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Why can't you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom?

Because they're all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6id8vp/why_cant_you_hear_pterodactyls_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
What's a manager's favourite type of tile?

Versatile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6id59h/whats_a_managers_favourite_type_of_tile/
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I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl…

He sure wags his tail a lot…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6id3je/i_think_my_goldfish_likes_it_when_i_take_him_out/
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I had sex with one of my old friends.

Then I lost my job at the care home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6id1i2/i_had_sex_with_one_of_my_old_friends/
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My mum said she didn't want me home later than 12.

So at 12:01 I opened the front door and went outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6id0uj/my_mum_said_she_didnt_want_me_home_later_than_12/
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What does a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6id0rn/what_does_a_woman_and_a_bar_have_in_common/
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Entering a friend's home for his weekly poker game, Slick is amazed to see a dog sitting at the table.

He's even more surprised when the dog wins the first hand with a full house, and takes the second with a royal flush.
"This is unreal," Slick says after the dog wins the next two hands. "He's got to be only dog in the world that can play like that."
"Aw, he's not so great," says the host. "There's a dog in Las Vegas who doesn't wag his tail every time he gets a good hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icye9/entering_a_friends_home_for_his_weekly_poker_game/
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What did the orphan get for Christmas?

Really fucking lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icy87/what_did_the_orphan_get_for_christmas/
%
A man who wants a pretty nurse

Must be patient

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icvu3/a_man_who_wants_a_pretty_nurse/
%
My wife was in the bathroom

for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly, do I look fat in this".
I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icuv9/my_wife_was_in_the_bathroom/
%
So I came home today to find a homeless guy munching biscuits over my PC cabinet.

When I confronted him he said he'd clear the cookies later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icstk/so_i_came_home_today_to_find_a_homeless_guy/
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Extra weight

A recent study has found that women who carry a bit of extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icrll/extra_weight/
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Why is a blacksmith called a blacksmith?

A whitesmith wouldn't steel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icr1g/why_is_a_blacksmith_called_a_blacksmith/
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I have 3 legs, 5 arms, 7 eyes and 19 belly buttons. What am I?

A liar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icpsy/i_have_3_legs_5_arms_7_eyes_and_19_belly_buttons/
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A couple in their 80's

A couple in their 80’s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen for a drink,” he replies. She asks, ” Will you get me piece of cake?” The husband says, “Sure.” She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you don’t forget it?” He says, “No, I can certainly remember that!”
Then the woman says, “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top. You’d better write it down because I know you’ll forget it.” The man replies, “I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.”
She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream on top. Now I’m certain you’re gonna forget that, so you’d better write it down ok.” Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!” He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icpf7/a_couple_in_their_80s/
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What do you call a dwarf in a tumble dryer?

A midget spinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icnlx/what_do_you_call_a_dwarf_in_a_tumble_dryer/
%
A man was driving along the road

when suddenly a Ferrari whizzed past him and the driver inside yelled "ever driven a Ferrari mate?"
This angered the man, and accelerated to catch up to the Ferrari and give the driver a piece of his mind.
However as he was about to reach the Ferrari, it accelerated and the man just managed to catch the driver yell "ever driven a Ferrari mate?" before the Ferrari left him in the dust.
Recognising that he was not able to match the Ferrari's speed, the man calmed down and resumed driving at normal speed.
A few miles ahead however, the man noticed the Ferrari upturned in a ditch. Curious at what might have happened, man stopped his car and went to check out the crash scene.
Inside the upturned Ferrari, a weak and shaky voice came out: "Ever driven a Ferrari mate? Know where the brake is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icixg/a_man_was_driving_along_the_road/
%
SO LITTLE TIMMY IS PLAYING WITH HIS LEGOS…

…when all of a sudden his mother comes up to him. She tells him “Timmy, when your father comes home can you tell him to come to our room? Tell him it’s very very important”. Timmy agrees and continues to play with his legos. A couple of hours later the father comes home and Timmy runs to him and says “Daddy! Mommy says she needs you go to your bedroom, she said it’s very very important!”. The father starts heading to the bedroom, but Timmy begins to get curious. He secretly follows his dad and waits for him to close the door. He peeks through the keyhole and sees his mom rip off all of her clothes. Standing there naked, she tells the father very bluntly “John. I want a baby”. 9 months later, Timmy receives a new baby sister.
A couple days at home pass and Timmy goes up to his mom. He tells her “Mommy, when daddy comes home can you tell him to come to my room? It’s super important!”. A couple hours pass and the father comes home and greets his wife and newborn. She then tells him “John, Timmy wants you to go to his room, he said it was important”. The father heads to Timmy’s room, and after walking in Timmy begins to rip off all of his clothes. Standing in front of his father naked, Timmy says very bluntly “Daddy. I want a bike”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icis4/so_little_timmy_is_playing_with_his_legos/
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What's the easiest job in China?

Police sketch artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icib6/whats_the_easiest_job_in_china/
%
While walking my dog

The other morning while out walking my dog I passed a graveyard, and in it was a man crouched by one of the tombstones.
"Morning!" I called.
"No, I'm taking a shit!" he called back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icfye/while_walking_my_dog/
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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits

.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
PS: Not my work got it from a website

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icffi/when_i_was_13_i_hoped_that_one_day_i_would_have_a/
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Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icc9e/two_goldfish_are_in_a_tank/
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3 ninjas try to impress a crowd with only a sword and a fly

There are 3 ninja masters in front of an audience of thousands of people. The first ninja released his fly, drew his sword and cut his fly into 100 even pieces and the crown goes crazy for him. The second ninja releases his fly and then puts his hand over his eye and cuts the fly in half. Again, the crowd goes crazy. The third ninja released his fly, swung his sword at it, and it looked like he missed my a microscopic amount. The crowd was silent. A man in the audience yells, "so you missed, right?" And the ninja quickly replies, "well not really, I kept him alive, however he will never be able to have children".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6icb49/3_ninjas_try_to_impress_a_crowd_with_only_a_sword/
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I was going to tell y'all a joke about time-travel

But none of you liked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ic8o9/i_was_going_to_tell_yall_a_joke_about_timetravel/
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Why do girls never wear skirts when it's cold?

Because their lips get chapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ic2bu/why_do_girls_never_wear_skirts_when_its_cold/
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A father regularly tells bedtime stories for his son

One day, the son asks the father if he could finally choose the book he wanted his father to read for him. The father reluctantly agreed and the son points to a book with a clock on the cover. The father immediately puts away the book, saying that he was saving it for later on.
Months pass when finally, the father retrieves the book. The son questions the father about why he has decided to bring it out now and the father responds, "it's *about time*".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ic1lv/a_father_regularly_tells_bedtime_stories_for_his/
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I searched eBay for lighters

But it only showed me 16,277 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ic16m/i_searched_ebay_for_lighters/
%
What's a communist's favorite drink?

Leninade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ibvuw/whats_a_communists_favorite_drink/
%
I was out fishing on the lake with my dad yesterday. When we were ready to call it a day my dad goes to start up the motor and it doesn't work.

Dad: "Looks like we're gonna have to row back to the bank. Pass me one of those paddles."
Me: "Which one?"
Dad: "Either oar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ibv0v/i_was_out_fishing_on_the_lake_with_my_dad/
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I wanted to be an engineer for Canadian pacific railways...

But they said they couldn't train me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ibupg/i_wanted_to_be_an_engineer_for_canadian_pacific/
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Schmidt's boss was about to fire him when he said... [Long]

"I know people!"
Schmidt's boss looked at him, "are you threatening me?"
"No, no, not like that" Schmidt pauses, "I'm friends with everyone! Who would you like to meet? If you let me stay in this job, you can hang out with anyone!"
The boss thought for a second, skeptical. "I'll choose three people, and if they all know you, you get your job back. Let's put Bradley Cooper on the phone."
Schmidt smiles ecstatically "mention me when you call, his agents know me too, so that'll help you get through."
Sure enough, at the mention of Schmidt's name, the star got on the line and talked to Schmidt and his boss for a good half hour.
After the call, Schmidt looked to his boss, "Who's next?"
"Gordon Ramsey."
***
"Schmidt? How the fuck are you doing?"
After calling, Chef Ramsey had invited them out to his home, and the next day, Schmidt's boss gave him one more request.
"The Pope."
***
They traveled to the Vatican, standing in a large crowd below the balcony.
"I'm not sure he'll see me from here..." Schmidt pondered.
Suddenly a smile came to his face, "I know the guards, they'd definitely let me see the pope! I'll come out on the balcony, see you in a few!"
Sure enough, in ten minutes Schimdt's boss saw Schmidt and the pope waving down at him from the balcony.
As Schmidt came down to see his boss, he found him crumpled on the ground, a doctor taking care of him.
"What happened?" Schmidt asked, worried.
"He's had a heart attack"
***
Later, when Schmidt's boss came to, Schmidt asked him what happened.
"Well, everything was going fine until the guy next to me went, 'hey, whose that dude standing next to Schmidt?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ibt5f/schmidts_boss_was_about_to_fire_him_when_he_said/
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What do you call a mean cow?

Beef Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iblzl/what_do_you_call_a_mean_cow/
%
A guy sees another man staring at his drink in a bar

He observes him for 15 minutes and the man doesn't touch his drink at all but just keeps staring at it. This guy finally has enough of it, so he walks up to him, snatches the glass and gulps it down.
With this, the other man breaks down and starts bawling. Realizing he might've gone too far, he apologizes and offers to buy him another. The first guy says "I don't want another drink. Today is the worst day of my life. I woke up and burnt my toast. Then I found that I had run out of coffee. Then I went to my car and saw that I had forgotten my keys inside. I took the bus and missed a very important client meeting due to which the boss fired me. I finally got back home to see my wife sleeping with the mailman. And now I was finally about to end my life and you came and drank my fuckin poison!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iblvb/a_guy_sees_another_man_staring_at_his_drink_in_a/
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You know what they say about drinking too much tequila...

Can't remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ibi6d/you_know_what_they_say_about_drinking_too_much/
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So I heard the Michael Jackson Estate is coming out with it's own line of Caviars

It's true! It comes on little white crackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ibez6/so_i_heard_the_michael_jackson_estate_is_coming/
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I took my grandmother to a place that for only 45$ they put you in a bath filled with fish that eat the dead skin off :)

It was cheaper than cremation or a burial!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ibaze/i_took_my_grandmother_to_a_place_that_for_only_45/
%
My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now, and the doctor told me to expect the worst.

So I had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ib9gr/my_wife_has_been_in_a_coma_for_two_weeks_now_and/
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Two top reasons why I don't let my GF touch my iPhone 7...

1- I don't have an iPhone 7
2- I don't have a GF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ib90g/two_top_reasons_why_i_dont_let_my_gf_touch_my/
%
A son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's a reposter?"

So the Dad replied, "Do you see those four original posts? Well a reposter would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ib8o3/a_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_him_dad_whats_a/
%
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ib8aj/what_do_you_call_a_priest_that_becomes_a_lawyer/
%
Little Johnny in class stood and yelled, "I gotta piss!"

The teacher turned around, astonished and told Little Johnny to approach her desk.
"Little Johnny, we DO NOT use that type of language in our class. If you want to mention that you have to use the correct word-- urinate. In fact, I will let you go to the restroom when you can use that word properly in a sentence to me."
Little Johnny sat back for a minute and said, "Alright teacher lady, I got it."
"Yes?" said the teacher.
Little Johnny replied, "Urinate. If ya had bigger tits, you'd be a ten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ib894/little_johnny_in_class_stood_and_yelled_i_gotta/
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Cow tipping.

If you succeed in tipping a cow only part way, such that only one of its feet is till on the ground, you have created lean beef.  Such a feat is well done.  Naturally, being outside, the cow is unstable.  When it falls over, it becomes ground beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ib80g/cow_tipping/
%
What's worse than a lobster on your piano?

**Crabs on your organ.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ib78s/whats_worse_than_a_lobster_on_your_piano/
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Jack's New Horse

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?”
Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ib5z6/jacks_new_horse/
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What do broccoli and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to try it as a kid, you probably don't like it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ib02d/what_do_broccoli_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
%
How can you ensure you visit outer space someday?

Planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iayv3/how_can_you_ensure_you_visit_outer_space_someday/
%
She was the life of the party.

Sounds better than saying she was the only one who showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iax67/she_was_the_life_of_the_party/
%
Roman Beggars

Two old beggars are sitting on the steps of a church in Rome. One has a Star of David in front of him and the second has a cross.
Many people walk by them, and no one gives money to the beggar with the Star of David, while the beggar with the cross gets hundreds of donations.
Finally, a priest walks by, and looks at the scene. He turns to the beggar with the Star of David and says "you're a fool if you think these Catholics will give their money to a jew when there is a perfectly good christian beggar sitting on the same church steps. In fact, many of these people are giving him money just to spite you."
As the priest walks away, the beggar with the Star of David turns to the one with the cross and says, "Moishe, who does this idiot think he is, trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about making money?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iaux1/roman_beggars/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iaua7/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
A Sydney pub owner notices a woman walk into his pub...

It's a working class bar that's a bit run down, and the woman is not only gorgeous, she's far too well dressed to be in a place like his.
She walks up to the bar and he asks her: what'll it be? She replies: 10 schooners of Reschs, please.
He thinks it a bit of an odd request, 10 serves of 375ml shitty NSW draught beer, but she's so confident that he pours them all out for her.
She proceeds to drink them all down, in order, and then passes out at the bar.
The publican notices, but the rest of the bar continues on as normal.
After last drinks, he clears everybody out except her. She's still passed out, and he thinks: well, this will never happen again.
So he fucks her. (I know.) When he's finished, he calls her a taxi and carries her out. She wakes up just as she's getting in the taxi and says: ooh, you're such a gentleman.
The next day in the pub, its business as usual, and the publican can't help himself.
He tells everyone that the high class woman who was in the pub last night ended up getting drunk, passed out, and fucked by yours truly.
A little later on, the same woman walks in, another stunning outfit, goes straight to the publican at the bar.
Somewhat sheepish, the publican asks her what she's having: 10 schooners of Reschs, please.
With the whole pub watching, she downs all 10, in order, and passes out at the bar.
The publican locks all the doors and puts closed signs up immediately.
This time the whole pub fucks her.
When they're all finished, they call her a taxi and carry her out. She wakes up just as she's getting in the taxi and says: ooh, you're all such gentlemen.
The next day, everyone who was in the pub last night, has told all their mates, and the pub is full to the brim.
Next thing you know, the same woman walks in, with yet another classy outfit on and goes straight to the bar.
The publican approaches her confidently and says: don't tell me love, 10 schooners of Reschs?
She says: better make it Tooheys, Reschs tends to give me a sore cunt...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iau4q/a_sydney_pub_owner_notices_a_woman_walk_into_his/
%
A man at a fancy restaurant noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at the next table.

Suddenly she sneezed, causing her glass eye to pop out and fly toward him. The man caught it mid-air.
"I'm so sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in. "Let me buy you dinner."
After charming dinner conversation, the woman offered to drive the man home.
The man was flattered. "You're the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she responded. "You just happened to catch my eye!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iat96/a_man_at_a_fancy_restaurant_noticed_a_gorgeous/
%
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thoughts​, just staring
at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iar0j/a_woman_awakes_during_the_night_to_find_that_her/
%
What kind of condoms do frogs use?

"Ribbed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iaqxt/what_kind_of_condoms_do_frogs_use/
%
What do you call a guy that paints in the back of his truck?

A pickup artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iaq8y/what_do_you_call_a_guy_that_paints_in_the_back_of/
%
What do you call a mean Jewish engineer?

A Rude Goldberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iaq60/what_do_you_call_a_mean_jewish_engineer/
%
How do you tell if a ball transplant has been successful?

You give it a test tickle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iaplu/how_do_you_tell_if_a_ball_transplant_has_been/
%
Did you hear the one about the philosophy major that failed out of school?

Apparently he put the whores before Descartes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iaokq/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_philosophy_major/
%
So There's This German Driving Game...

...with all these servers for multiplayer. One server has this automatic cheat-detection system that bans players if it thinks they're hacking at all.
Well unfortunately, there's this one stretch of one particular freeway where the road is so bad it blasts drivers off into the sky. The cheat system detects this, thinks they're hacking, and bans them immediately.
This went on for a couple days until one of the admins said, "Okay guys. Vwe have to do something about zis autobahn problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ianow/so_theres_this_german_driving_game/
%
A Man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar one night, and he sees a tiny man sitting on the bar playing a piano, so he asks the guy sitting beside him "Wow that's so cool! Where did you get that?"
"There's a genie out back! He's giving out wishes!" So the man walks outside to find the genie.
He walks up to the genie, and the genie says "Hello there! Have you come for a wish?" And the man replied "Yes! I Want a million bucks to fall from the sky!" And just like that, A million DUCKS fall from the sky.
So the man walks back inside and says to the other guy "Hey man that genie is cool and all, but I think he might be hard of hearing."
And the man replied "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iann5/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I've been pitching my idea for a calculus-based movie...

But everyone tells me it's too derivative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ialn2/ive_been_pitching_my_idea_for_a_calculusbased/
%
If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iak6o/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_time_someone_called_me/
%
What do you call nuts on a wall?

wall nuts!
What do you call nuts on your chest?
chest nuts!
What do you call nuts on your chin?
Penis in your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iahzb/what_do_you_call_nuts_on_a_wall/
%
Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iahh7/guy_can_i_buy_you_a_drink/
%
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "Free".
The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bartender replies "Free".
The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iah0l/a_guy_walks_into_the_bar_of_a_restaurant_and_goes/
%
My wife's super hot friend was telling me she was having trouble getting pregnant

"I wish I could help" was probably not the appropriate response

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iagch/my_wifes_super_hot_friend_was_telling_me_she_was/
%
How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Dude, nobody screws the bass player.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6iaa8m/how_many_bass_players_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Link to the ultimate guide for sewing and hemming clothing.

Sorry, wrong thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ia9vy/link_to_the_ultimate_guide_for_sewing_and_hemming/
%
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ia8fe/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
I have a Spotify playlist that has songs from The Peanuts Movie, Eminem, and The Cranberries

I call it my trail mix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ia8eo/i_have_a_spotify_playlist_that_has_songs_from_the/
%
A circus performer is pulled over for speeding.

As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the back seat of the car.
“What are those for?” he asks suspiciously.
“I’m a juggler,” the driver replies. “I use those in my act.”
“Well, show me,” the officer demands.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling: one, two, three, four, and finally seven machetes at one time. He does overhand, underhand, and behind the back.
Another car passes by. The driver does a double take and says: “My God, if that's the test they’re giving now, I’ve got to give up drinking!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ia80l/a_circus_performer_is_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
What do you call Einstein pleasuring himself?

A stroke of genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ia6z4/what_do_you_call_einstein_pleasuring_himself/
%
What was the butchers name who was also a knight?

Sir Loin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ia6nj/what_was_the_butchers_name_who_was_also_a_knight/
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How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just penis - I mean one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ia5xv/how_many_freudian_analysts_does_it_take_to_change/
%
I used to be a roofer....

back when I was shingle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ia26z/i_used_to_be_a_roofer/
%
What did the reposting frog say?

"Reddit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ia1zb/what_did_the_reposting_frog_say/
%
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Cause if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ia1yj/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
%
A sailor is discharged from the Navy...

...and he's so happy to see his girlfriend, and so horny, that he hustles her behind a building, lifts her skirt, and proceeds to give her a knee-trembler right there at the pier.
As they were driving home, the satisfied sailor says, "Wow, that was great. And I know you liked it too, I saw your toes curling."
She says, "Not really. You didn't give me time to take off my pantyhose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ia02i/a_sailor_is_discharged_from_the_navy/
%
Father: "Son, you shall follow in my footsteps of escorting climbers up Mt Everest."

Son: "Sher pa."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i9yz4/father_son_you_shall_follow_in_my_footsteps_of/
%
Did you hear about the mosquito comedian?

He was malarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i9vxn/did_you_hear_about_the_mosquito_comedian/
%
What state has the worst drivers?

The Islamic State.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i9rxv/what_state_has_the_worst_drivers/
%
Math, for me, is like sex...

I love it when I get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i9rsf/math_for_me_is_like_sex/
%
How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i9r36/how_do_you_milk_sheep/
%
I was way more nostalgic when I was young.

Man, I miss those days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i9np3/i_was_way_more_nostalgic_when_i_was_young/
%
Someone asked me what I thought of voluntary work

I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i9mw8/someone_asked_me_what_i_thought_of_voluntary_work/
%
What did Jaden Smith tweet after math class?

"How can math be real if our "i"s aren't real?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i9mp2/what_did_jaden_smith_tweet_after_math_class/
%
A girl is 69ing her GF

When she realizes that she is going to be late for a dentist appointment.  She jumps out of bed, gets dressed and quickly brushes her teeth before heading to the dentist's office.
The dentist cleans her teeth and then as he's wrapping up he asks, "Were you 69ing someone before you came here?"
"Why, did my mouth smell like pussy" She asks, embarrassed.
"No, your forehead smells like ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i9gmz/a_girl_is_69ing_her_gf/
%
I phoned my boss.

I said, "I'm not coming in today. I've got chickenpox."
He said, "Don't give me that!"
I said, "I won't. I'm not coming in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i9a12/i_phoned_my_boss/
%
I bought a dog from my local blacksmith.

When I got home he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i99ab/i_bought_a_dog_from_my_local_blacksmith/
%
An engineer dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks and looks but cannot find his name in the book, so tells him he must go to the other place.  When he arrives Lucifer is giving him the grand tour.  The engineer tells him that all this heat will not do and he knows how to fix it.  First he builds an icemaker so they can have cold drinks.  Then he builds an A/C system to bring the ambient air temperature down to comfortable levels.  Meanwhile God notices what's going on and decides to do something about it.  He tells Lucifer that there was a clerical error and the engineer is supposed to be in Heaven.  Lucifer tells God that they like this new guy and they are going to keep him.  God tells Lucifer that he will sue to get him back.  Lucifer starts laughing and God asks him, "What's so funny?".  Lucifer replies, "Where are you going to get a lawyer?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i982f/an_engineer_dies_and_arrives_at_the_pearly_gates/
%
My girlfriend asked me what my favourite baby name is.

Apparently "Not Yet" isn't a suitable suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i940y/my_girlfriend_asked_me_what_my_favourite_baby/
%
A sad farmer is sitting on a stump by the road, and a traveler greets him.

The traveler asks the farmer: "It's such a beautiful day today, how come you are so unhappy?"
The farmer replies: "Some things simply cannot be explained."
The traveler then asks him to explain what had happened, and the farmer says: "Today I was milking my cow. When I eventually milked a full bucket, the cow kicked over the bucket with her left leg and all the milk spilled out."
The traveler replies: "Ah, that's quite unfortunate. But hey, cheer up!"
The farmer sighs: "Some things simply cannot be explained."
The traveler asks him to describe what happened next, and the farmer continues: "So I found a rope and tied her left leg to a pole, then I milked another bucket of milk. But then she kicked over the bucket with her right leg and all the milk spilled out again."
The traveler then asks: "So did you tie her right leg to a pole too?" to which the farmer answers: "Yeah, and then I milked another bucket of milk. But somehow, she knocked over the bucket with her tail."
The traveler responds: "Wow, that's very unlucky. But hey, don't think about it too much."
The farmer sighs again: "Some things simply cannot be explained."
So the traveler kept urging him to tell the rest of the story, and eventually the farmer continued: "I couldn't find any more ropes around, so I decided to use my belt. As I held my belt in one hand and the cow's tail in another, my pants fell off and my wife came out to see what was taking so long..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i92by/a_sad_farmer_is_sitting_on_a_stump_by_the_road/
%
TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i90lj/til_a_modern_artist_created_a_stringed_instrument/
%
I was wondering why people keep looking at the cars while crossing the road

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8x8w/i_was_wondering_why_people_keep_looking_at_the/
%
What did the perverted frog say?

"Rubbit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8vqj/what_did_the_perverted_frog_say/
%
I've met a lot of bakery thieves before...

But this one takes the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8vcs/ive_met_a_lot_of_bakery_thieves_before/
%
A gay man walks into a bar...

and says to a man standing up "may i push your stool in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8v10/a_gay_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus,

she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8rw4/a_lady_about_8_months_pregnant_got_on_a_bus/
%
What would you be if someone threw a rock at you whilst you were riding a donkey?

Stoned off your ass of course.
- From my crazy uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8qvv/what_would_you_be_if_someone_threw_a_rock_at_you/
%
What's a programmer's least favorite bread?

NaN bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8l2k/whats_a_programmers_least_favorite_bread/
%
A Dilemma

Two guys over a drink at the bar.
Chump: You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is...
Chucky: Let me give you an example. Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have you, and to your right is a very horny gay man.
Chump: So where's the dilemma?
Chucky: To whom do you turn your back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8koa/a_dilemma/
%
"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8j44/excuse_me_i_said_to_the_woman_sat_in_front_of_me/
%
How do dogs bark in Scandinavia?

BJÖRK BJÖRK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8ive/how_do_dogs_bark_in_scandinavia/
%
Shout out to my spinal cord

For always having my back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8i7n/shout_out_to_my_spinal_cord/
%
What did God say when he saw Eve walking out of the sea competely naked?

Jeez, I'll never get that smell out of my fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8hgb/what_did_god_say_when_he_saw_eve_walking_out_of/
%
So, little jonny came back from the church...

and asked his mom: "Mom, is god man or a woman".
Mom didn't want to spoil his mind so she said: "Both."
Little jonny went to his room and thought for sometime.
He came back and asked her: "Mom, is god black or white".
Again, the mom didn't want any controversy so she said: "Both."
Jonny again went back to his room and thought for sometime.
Then he came back and asked: "Mom, is god a straight or gay?"
Again, mom didn't want to create any controversy, so again she said: "Both."
This time jonny went to his room and thought really hard.
He came back and said: "Mom I finally figured it out. michael jackson is god"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8f25/so_little_jonny_came_back_from_the_church/
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It was a Monday morning

... and the absent minded rectal surgeon was on his rounds. Halfway around the ward the nurse nudged him and whispered in his ear.
"Sir, you have a suppository behind your left ear."
"Oh damn," cursed the surgeon, "that means some bum's got my pencil!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8f1e/it_was_a_monday_morning/
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My dick was in the Guinness World Records Book

Then they kicked me out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i8eid/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_world_records_book/
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An Alien ship lands in the city center..

and out come two humanoid male and female aliens, who look pretty much human except they are blue in colour and have antennas where their ears should be.
They are immediately surrounded by a huge crowd, media has set up their booths and world leaders approach them to make contact.
The aliens then spoke:
"We're from the galactic alliance and we're pleased to say you humans have been chosen as its latest members"
"In order for you to seal this deal, its required that a male and female specimen of the human race come aboard the ship and have sex with us. The male species with a female of our species and vice versa."
The audience who were cheering to the sight of this historic event, suddenly quiet down on hearing this. Then a swinger couple walks forward and accepts their offer, they go aboard the ship. The alien male takes the woman to his chamber and the alien female does the same with the man.
In the alien male's chamber, they start caressing each other then making out and soon it gets really hot. The idea of getting screwed by an alien is the ultimate swinger fantasy, she thinks and starts to unzip the male alien's spacesuit. When she undoes his spacefly, she's very disappointed. All there was is a pimple size alienpenis and she refuses to go any further.
"What happened?" The alien male asks
"It's so tiny, what am I going to do with this?" she says
"Don't worry, just smack me on the back of my head"
She's stunned on hearing this, but on his insistence she smacks him on the back of his head.
Lo and behold, the penis grows an inch. He then says "smack me until you get your desired size"
She does that 7 more times and then have passionate interspecies sex.
After a few hours, the humans emerge from the spaceship. The woman has a glowing smile on her face, while the man looks all low and disappointed.
The media surrounds them and asks what was it like?
Before the woman can answer, the man says;
"their sex is weird, after foreplay we undressed each other and then she kept smacking me behind my head for a few hours after that she asked me to leave"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i87rj/an_alien_ship_lands_in_the_city_center/
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A man goes to hospital with a limp...

A man goes to the hospital with a limp.
When asked what's wrong he says "well this is kind of embarrassing but I'm going to have to take my pants off to show you"
The female doctor replies with "that's okay, I'll just have a feel first but I won't look". After feeling around his genitals for about a minute or so, she notices nothing. "What's the problem with it?" she asks "Does it feel any better?"
"I sure as hell feel better, but my leg still hurts like a bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i82wm/a_man_goes_to_hospital_with_a_limp/
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Why was the guitarist put in jail?

For fingering A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i81bp/why_was_the_guitarist_put_in_jail/
%
Sherlock Holmes got audited by the IRS.

He had too many deductions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i7z5a/sherlock_holmes_got_audited_by_the_irs/
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Two men are chatting over a pint

Bob turns to John and says, "You're looking down in the dumps, what's wrong?"
"It's the wife. Since she's started this high-powered job, she's cut our sex down to 3 times a week!"
"You're lucky" remarked Bob. "She's cut me out completely!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i7yap/two_men_are_chatting_over_a_pint/
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Two Syrian refugees

compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: “Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I’ve recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!”
The other Syrian simply replies with: “Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i7r2z/two_syrian_refugees/
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I've never liked dick jokes

I find them a bit below the belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i7qtf/ive_never_liked_dick_jokes/
%
It doesn't matter how much one pushes the envelope

It will always be stationery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i7nwk/it_doesnt_matter_how_much_one_pushes_the_envelope/
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There is a basin knocking on the door.

Let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i7nh5/there_is_a_basin_knocking_on_the_door/
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A General flies in to a remote base in Afghanistan

The chopper kicks up clouds of sand as it lands just outside of the base. A sergeant runs up to the chopper to meet the general. After exchanging greetings they begin their walk-through of the camp.
Everything appears to be in order as they inspect every portion of the camp. Until they reach one ten,t which much to the general's surprise, houses a large camel.
The general turns to the sergeant and asks, "What in the hell is a camel doing here?" The sergeant replies, "Well sir we are very remote, and as you know men get lonely and have physical needs. The camel is here for when they just can't go without any longer."
The general was disgusted, but if it kept morale up and kept the men from going stir crazy then he would continue to allow it.
After a couple of weeks the general was still doing fine and hardly thought about the camel's existence. After a couple more weeks, he started to get some urges built up. After a few more weeks all he could think about was that camel in the tent until finally he commanded the sergeant to take him to the tent at once.
After doing the dirty deed he walked triumphantly out of the tent zipping up his pants. "Well sergeant, is that how you boys do it out here?" He bellowed. The sergeant replied, "Well actually sir they usually just ride the camel into the town ten miles out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i7nek/a_general_flies_in_to_a_remote_base_in_afghanistan/
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Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.
To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?
The mathematician immediately responds "63".
The physicist responds "63, plus or minus 5%".
The engineer thinks for a moment and responds "63, but for safety, let's call it 70".
The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers *"how much do you want it to be?*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i7mfx/four_professionals_are_interviewing_for_a/
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Why aren't you allowed to fart in Apple stores?

Because they don't have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i7lxh/why_arent_you_allowed_to_fart_in_apple_stores/
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What do you call a baker with red hair?

A gingerbread man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i7lx5/what_do_you_call_a_baker_with_red_hair/
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I dropped my erectile disfunction pill off a waterfall

Viagra Falls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i7i41/i_dropped_my_erectile_disfunction_pill_off_a/
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A hunter was walking through the forrest.....

When he comes across a beautiful naked women, she smiles seductively and says "Im Game big boy"!
So he shot her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i7gn0/a_hunter_was_walking_through_the_forrest/
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Jim finds a genie in a lamp

The genie says "you have three wishes to make"
Jim instantly says "I wish I were rich!"
The genie responds, "and for your second wish?"
Rich says "I want lots of money"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i7c6e/jim_finds_a_genie_in_a_lamp/
%
How does a train eat?

It goes chew chew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i79rm/how_does_a_train_eat/
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Three Chinese Tortures

A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night.
After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers.
The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees - as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.
When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.
The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest."
Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it.
He picks up the rock and throws it out the window.
On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock."
Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window.
On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i79ct/three_chinese_tortures/
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What do you call an insect with a massive penis?

Daddy schlong legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i78qb/what_do_you_call_an_insect_with_a_massive_penis/
%
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i78nl/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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Did you hear about the Brit who only masturbated when she on her monthly?

She's a  Bloody Wanker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i77ya/did_you_hear_about_the_brit_who_only_masturbated/
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A son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i77pz/a_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_him_dad_whats_an/
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A man was hiking through the African savanna...

A man was hiking through the African savanna when all of a sudden he smelled smoke. He turns his head to see a large black cloud coming from a nearby village. Acting on instinct, the man runs to the village as fast as he can. He starts running into all the half burnt houses, rescuing all of the children and other helpless villagers. Upon saving all of the villagers, they reward him with a feast fit for kings before he returns on his travels. When the man arrives back at his hostel later that night, there are two African federal agents at his door.
Agent 1: Sir you are under arrest for tampering with the African Disease Prevention and Control movement.
Agent 2: Everyone in that village had an incurable sexually transmitted infection, and that fire was our way of helping to stop the spread in that busy trading village.
The man looks flabbergasted to see that his virtuosity has led him to be taken into custody. However, after a long trial, the man is let off the hook so that he can return home.
Moral of the Story: There is a fine line between heroes and herpes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i70cg/a_man_was_hiking_through_the_african_savanna/
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A teacher was concerned about the progress of one of her students

Billy was in the third grade but he was still having trouble with basic maths problems. His teacher noticed this and offered to help Billy work on his maths with some 1 on 1 tutoring. She begins by asking him "Billy, if there are 3 birds in the tree and your daddy comes along and shoots one of them, how many birds are left in the tree? "
"There is none" Billy replies.
"How do you figure that Billy?" She asks
"Well after he shoots one out of the tree the other 2 will get scared off by the gunshot and fly away" says Billy .
The teacher looks slightly puzzled but is impressed and says "that's not quite the answer I'm looking for but I like the way you're thinking."
Billy then asks "can I ask you a question miss?"
The teacher agrees, so Billy asks
"If you see three ladies eating an ice cream, if one of them is sucking it, one of them is biting it and he other is licking it, how do you tell which one is married?"
The teacher looks even more puzzled and she replies "uhh I don't know the one licking it is married?"
Billy replies
"No can tell by which one is wearing a wedding ring. Not the answer I was looking for but I like the way you're thinking miss."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6zws/a_teacher_was_concerned_about_the_progress_of_one/
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The third grade teacher was teaching English

and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Little Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, and ornery little runt/He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little--" He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.
"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.
So Little Johnny said, "Asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6ws4/the_third_grade_teacher_was_teaching_english/
%
A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl

She asked me for my number.
I told her that we usually use names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6vgo/a_while_ago_i_had_a_blind_date_with_a_jewish_girl/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You search for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6v48/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
It was an emotional wedding

Even the cake was in tiers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6umh/it_was_an_emotional_wedding/
%
Teacher: and have nice weekend everyone! Oh Johnny, could you stay for a minute please?

"I heard that you have stolen? How do we call someone that has stolen?
Johnny: "I have no idea what you're talking about, miss."
Teacher: "well, let me give you a hint. If I reached for your pocket... and I grasp a hundred dollars out of it, what do you call me?
Johnny: "a magician."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6u0e/teacher_and_have_nice_weekend_everyone_oh_johnny/
%
Me: Why do women always disagree with men?

Lady: That's not true...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6tv9/me_why_do_women_always_disagree_with_men/
%
Chuck Norris actually died 6 years ago.

...But the Grim Reaper still hasn't gotten up the courage to tell him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6rx4/chuck_norris_actually_died_6_years_ago/
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Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

"Nervous?" Asked the interviewer.
I replied, "No, I always give 110%."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6rdc/yesterday_at_a_job_interview_i_filled_my_glass_of/
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What did the veterinarian say to the duck after the duck jokingly said,"just put it on my bill."?

What the fuck, you can talk!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6qmn/what_did_the_veterinarian_say_to_the_duck_after/
%
Heard at Mass today that the government is providing scholarships to students who'd like to attend religious institutions...

Someone Alert the Masses!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6qa0/heard_at_mass_today_that_the_government_is/
%
Linkin Park fought among themselves in choosing which ocean to take a cruise on.

The Pacific ocean was favored by Chester. The Atlantic was desired by Mike. The Arctic was appealing to Rob and Brad because it is an ocean they've never been to before. The Antarctic was chosen by Dave and Joe because they've heard tales of great sea creatures to see in that area. With great argument, they decided against them all.
Indian, it didn't even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6oys/linkin_park_fought_among_themselves_in_choosing/
%
Some day I will write a guidebook:

"suicide for dummies", just because I fucking love redundancy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6nz4/some_day_i_will_write_a_guidebook/
%
First Day of School

Seven year-old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" Asked the teacher.
"Mohammad", he replied.
"You're in America now", replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as 'Mike'".
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" Asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in America and now my name is Mike"
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6nyh/first_day_of_school/
%
What did the Hindu say when asked if he was going to leave on his pilgrimage across all of the ancient holy sites?

Namaste here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6mvk/what_did_the_hindu_say_when_asked_if_he_was_going/
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The Undercover Cloud

One cloud asks the other why he is dressed weirdly, the cloud replies "Shhh, i'm in ***da sky's***".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6m50/the_undercover_cloud/
%
I'll never forget the moment when NASA accomplished every child's dream

...by blowing up a school teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6kaf/ill_never_forget_the_moment_when_nasa/
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ROBOT FOR SALE

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
ROBOT FOR SALE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6jg6/robot_for_sale/
%
Doctors have come up with a more scientific and more accurate name for cabin fever...

Stuck Home Syndrome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6gdz/doctors_have_come_up_with_a_more_scientific_and/
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Jewish Rabbis don't get paid for circumsion...

They just get tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6gaa/jewish_rabbis_dont_get_paid_for_circumsion/
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You know why washing machines are so good at what they do?

Because all they do is rinse and repeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6g68/you_know_why_washing_machines_are_so_good_at_what/
%
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant.

It seems I can't take anything out on time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6alr/my_pizza_is_burnt_my_beer_is_frozen_and_my/
%
"This is your captain speaking"

"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6af7/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong socks today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6953/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i68va/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_name_all_the_women_ive/
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My dad always taught me to go the extra mile...

I guess that was pretty bad advice though - it just got me fired from my job as a taxi driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i68fu/my_dad_always_taught_me_to_go_the_extra_mile/
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar...

The bartender goes sorry, we don't serve food here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i674d/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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EA announced 3x more content for battlefront 2.

Don't get too excited, 3 x 0 is still no content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i66wz/ea_announced_3x_more_content_for_battlefront_2/
%
Why did curiosity kill the cat?

It didn't expect to see a cat on mars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i63ww/why_did_curiosity_kill_the_cat/
%
How did the scarecrow get a promotion?

He was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i6340/how_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
What does a shark call a school of fish?

Snackademia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i62d6/what_does_a_shark_call_a_school_of_fish/
%
Trump's hair is like a thong...

It barely covers the asshole…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i619d/trumps_hair_is_like_a_thong/
%
A problem the Rabbi can't solve

A Jewish man goes to his Rabbi and says "Rabbi, I have a problem. My son is converting to Christianity and I can't do a thing about it." The Rabbi answers, "You know Moishe, I have the same problem. Let's go talk to the Chief Rabbi. Maybe he can help us out." So they set out to see the Chief Rabbi. They get to him and say, "Rabbi, our sons are converting to Christianity. We don't know what to do. Can you help?" The Chief Rabbi looks at them thoughtfully and says, "Gentlemen, I would if I could, but I have the same problem. Let's go to talk to god. Maybe he can help." The three men then pray for several days, until finally God answers them. "My lord," they say "Our sons have forsaken Judaism and are converting to Christianity. Please do something!" God looks down upon them and says "You know guys, I've got the same problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i5t7r/a_problem_the_rabbi_cant_solve/
%
What do you call a hybrid car prototype?

A Priustoric vehicle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i5rwn/what_do_you_call_a_hybrid_car_prototype/
%
My sister bet me I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i5qvg/my_sister_bet_me_i_couldnt_build_a_car_out_of/
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Panda and a Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'
The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i5pay/panda_and_a_prostitute/
%
A farmer and his dog are herding sheep.

They finish and his dog says "I have counted 40 sheep".
The farmer replies, "That's odd. I only got 37 ".
The dog replies "Well, I rounded them up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i5n5z/a_farmer_and_his_dog_are_herding_sheep/
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Daddy and His Son's Three Wives.

The innocence of a 5 year old
A 5 year old son after been read the story of a king.....
Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives; one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.
Mom: And one will put you to sleep.
Son: No mom, I will still sleep with you.
Mom's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son, Mom said.
Mom: but who will sleep with your 3 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with Daddy.
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son, Daddy said.
Mom glaring at Daddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i5mof/daddy_and_his_sons_three_wives/
%
What language do Brazilian Geese speak?

Portuguese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i5ko4/what_language_do_brazilian_geese_speak/
%
How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i5j2g/how_do_you_call_it_when_a_turtle_doesnt_do_what/
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I, too, have a Jewish friend, and he told me this one...

What's the difference between a Jewish woman and a Latina?
A Latina has fake jewelry and real orgasms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i5hha/i_too_have_a_jewish_friend_and_he_told_me_this_one/
%
What do you call a feminist government?

A dick-hater-ship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i59dk/what_do_you_call_a_feminist_government/
%
What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker?

A Baboom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i58ry/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_holding_a_fire_cracker/
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Why do cops love going to Black Friday early?

So they can beat the crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i50ug/why_do_cops_love_going_to_black_friday_early/
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I'd call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar...

So, basically, I would be a politician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i4y3b/id_call_myself_a_politician_but_then_i_would_just/
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

... because they take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i4vg6/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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Deaf people are violently protesting because

They don't feel their voices are being heard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i4uv1/deaf_people_are_violently_protesting_because/
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I hate when people refer to someone as a Muslim

Are they a Musarm or Musleg? Be specific.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i4urf/i_hate_when_people_refer_to_someone_as_a_muslim/
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What's the difference between a joke and three dicks ?

Your mom can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i4s4z/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_three/
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What is the difference between females aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i4o2v/what_is_the_difference_between_females_aged_8_18/
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How many Fingers ?

A blonde gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.
A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries. "How many fingers have I got up?"
She suddenly bursts into tears. "Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i4nfu/how_many_fingers/
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Bacteria

The only culture some people have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i4lni/bacteria/
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My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her 'I think you mean fewer'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i4k5l/my_wife_told_me_she_thought_wed_have_less/
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"Is your father a baker?"

"Why, because I have hot buns?"
"No, because you're fat as fuck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i4iie/is_your_father_a_baker/
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There are three species of hyena in the wild

But every time one is seen they become a spotted hyena

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i4fmx/there_are_three_species_of_hyena_in_the_wild/
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The elephant trunk

A guy had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes a diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.
"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
"So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, ''I'm not sure if I can fit another one of those up my arse.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i4dw8/the_elephant_trunk/
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An officer pulls over a speeding blonde woman

After she rolls down her window, he asks her to take out her license.
She angrily exclaims "Yesterday you guys took away my license and now you expect me to have it on me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i4cq1/an_officer_pulls_over_a_speeding_blonde_woman/
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Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?

In case they get a hole in one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i49zc/why_do_golfers_wear_two_pairs_of_pants/
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I was drunk one night trying to take a picture of my butthole

Couldn't see shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i46nm/i_was_drunk_one_night_trying_to_take_a_picture_of/
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A soldier, a pacifist and a band are on an airplane

Suddenly the plane starts falling from the sky.
The pilot shouts: "There's too much weight! Somebody has to jump!"
The soldier stands up and walks to the door: "It would be an honour to protect all of you."
He jumps.
The airplane keeps falling. Soon the pilot shouts again: "It wasn't enough! Someone else has to jump!"
The pacifist, not wanting to be outdone by the soldier, stands up: "I can still help save us all. Goodbye, cruel world!"
He jumps.
It wasn't enough. Sure enough, the pilot shouts again: "I'm sorry, but we still need at least one more!"
The singer stands up and looks at the guitarist.
They're best friends, and they nod to each other.
The guitarist stands up next to the singer and they shout: "Sacrifices have to be made!"
They grab the drummer and throw him off the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i467i/a_soldier_a_pacifist_and_a_band_are_on_an_airplane/
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A gay man wakes up in bed with Dwayne Johnson...

and realizes that he's hit Rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i44hx/a_gay_man_wakes_up_in_bed_with_dwayne_johnson/
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Last time I had sex it felt like the 100m Olympic final.

8 black men and a gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i449e/last_time_i_had_sex_it_felt_like_the_100m_olympic/
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The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i445d/the_american_president_has_challenged_the_british/
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In honor of father's day - one from my dad. A dungbeetle walks into a bar and he says to the bartender:

Excuse me sir,  is this stool taken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i43h1/in_honor_of_fathers_day_one_from_my_dad_a/
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I wanted to die, but then I got a job.

Now I *really* want to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i430k/i_wanted_to_die_but_then_i_got_a_job/
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What's the difference between illegal aliens and space aliens?

Occasionally, space aliens will go back to where they came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i42zx/whats_the_difference_between_illegal_aliens_and/
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Why couldn't the criminal fall asleep?

He was resisting arrest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i42cb/why_couldnt_the_criminal_fall_asleep/
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What do you it if call your same sex friend is wanting you to kiss them?

Queer Pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i413d/what_do_you_it_if_call_your_same_sex_friend_is/
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What do you call a Greek god who wants to lose weight?

A Diety

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i40b4/what_do_you_call_a_greek_god_who_wants_to_lose/
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Nice Car!

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone.
"The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i402h/nice_car/
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This is Hammer, this is Screwdriver, this is The Wrench...

You know The Drill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3zna/this_is_hammer_this_is_screwdriver_this_is_the/
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A pilot was on a layover in San Francisco....

and found himself in a shop in Chinatown. He noticed a large bronze rat behind the counter and asked the old Chinese shopkeeper how much it cost.
"Oh, bronze rat cost 2 dollah. But ancient secret that go with rat cost 500 dollah.
The pilot thought a minute and said he would just like the bronze rat. The shopkeeper looked annoyed but completed the transaction and the pilot was on his way.
As the pilot walked the first block, he noticed a rat following him. At the next block two more joined the first. Another block and ten were following him. The pilot started to run with growing concern, but more and more rats began to chase the pilot carrying the large bronze rat. Soon there were thousands of rats chasing the pilot as he ran down the hill towards the waterfront.  The pilot, thinking quickly, leapt out over the water and grabbed onto a hook from a crane that happened to be there.  Thousands and thousands of rats jumped after him but fell to their death and drowned in the water.  The pilot managed to leap back down to land with the bronze rat and ran back to the shop where he had purchased it.  As he walked back in, the shopkeeper looked at him as a sly grin came to his face.
"Ahh, I see you back for ancient secret of bronze rat."
Without missing a beat, the pilot said, "No, but do you have a bronze lawyer for sale??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3x2a/a_pilot_was_on_a_layover_in_san_francisco/
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What do you call 2000 of Harper E. Lee's favorite birds?

Two kilo-mockingbirds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3wcm/what_do_you_call_2000_of_harper_e_lees_favorite/
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Why do women's prisons give out tampons on release day?

Because all sentences should end with a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3w1j/why_do_womens_prisons_give_out_tampons_on_release/
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What do you call a constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3u3n/what_do_you_call_a_constipated_detective/
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Why don't crabs give charitable donations?

Because they're shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3s13/why_dont_crabs_give_charitable_donations/
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FATHER'S DAY DAD JOKE: What kind of shoes does a ninja wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3qv4/fathers_day_dad_joke_what_kind_of_shoes_does_a/
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Why is solving a Rubik's Cube like a leper's erection?

It looks hard, but it's really easy to pull off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3pri/why_is_solving_a_rubiks_cube_like_a_lepers/
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I tried donkey meat once...

But I didn't like it. It tasted like ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3n25/i_tried_donkey_meat_once/
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I asked my friend what life was like in North Korea.

He said he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3myg/i_asked_my_friend_what_life_was_like_in_north/
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I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car

I opened the door & I pushed her out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3kul/i_finally_fixed_that_annoying_noise_in_my_car/
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What do you call low-res femdom porn?

Jpegging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3i0q/what_do_you_call_lowres_femdom_porn/
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A Welsh Airways plane experiences technical trouble...

Welsh Airways pilots Dai and Rhodri are struggling to control their stricken aircraft as it plummets towards the ground.  The aircraft is loaded with high value cargo, including a flock of award winning sheep.
Rhodri: "We're going to have to crash land somewhere!"
Dai: "But what about our cargo?  What about all those sheep?"
Rhodri: "Fuck the sheep!"
Dai: "Great idea!  But do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3gsi/a_welsh_airways_plane_experiences_technical/
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

Yeah...it was intense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3e00/did_you_hear_about_the_fire_at_the_circus/
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Peter and John walk into a Japanese bar

Peter and John are sitting at the bar. Peter orders some rice wine, and John orders a beer. Peter gets up to go to the restroom. A few moments later, their drinks arrive.
John says to the bartender: this is chilled, can I get a hot cup to keep it warm?
The bartender replies: For your beer?
To which John replies: No, for Pete's sake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3dzd/peter_and_john_walk_into_a_japanese_bar/
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My dick was in the world record book.

Until I got kicked out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3cre/my_dick_was_in_the_world_record_book/
%
Today I bought some frozen waffles, and it said "2 packs inside"

I knew he wasn't dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i3cne/today_i_bought_some_frozen_waffles_and_it_said_2/
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You want to know my opinion on the Dyson airblade?

Not a fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i38e5/you_want_to_know_my_opinion_on_the_dyson_airblade/
%
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i35uo/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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Do you have a weed whacker?

Two frat guys go to a college lecture about deduction.
They sit through the lecture.  At the end one turns to the other and says, "bro, I still don't understand what deduction is!"
His friend turns back: "don't worry bro, I'll go ask the professor."
The frat guy goes to the professor's office and says: "professor that was an awesome lecture but I STILL don't understand what deduction is!"
The professor responds: "well, let me teach you by example.  Do you have a weed whacker?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Well because you have a weed whacker, I can deduce that you have a lawn."
"I do have a lawn!"
"Well since you have a lawn, I can deduce that you have a house."
"I do have a house!"
"Well since you have a house, I can deduce that you're probably married."
"I AM married!"
"Well since you're married, I can deduce that, statistically, you're probably heterosexual."
"I AM heterosexual!  Thank you so much professor, I COMPLETELY understand deduction now!"
The frat guy excitedly returns to his friend.
"Bro! I completely understand what deduction is now!"
"Well what is it then?"
"Ok let me teach you by example. Do you have a weed whacker?"
"Uh, no."
"Hah! Fag!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i35up/do_you_have_a_weed_whacker/
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What do you call a boner when you're scared?

Petrified wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i352y/what_do_you_call_a_boner_when_youre_scared/
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I just got fired from my job at the Pepsi factory...

I tested positive for Coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i34fm/i_just_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_pepsi_factory/
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Where did the memes make their last stand?

The aylmao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2zju/where_did_the_memes_make_their_last_stand/
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Jesus died for our sins.

*But he was only dead for 3 days* .
So what did he sacrifice?
*His weekend.*
**Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2y20/jesus_died_for_our_sins/
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How many police officers does it take to replace a lightbulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2xmz/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_replace/
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A man walks into a library.

Man: Fish and chips, please.
Librarian: Sir, this is a library.
Man: \*whispers\* *Sorry. Fish and chips, please.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2x8c/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? NSFW

A quarter-pounder with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2v80/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_with_a_yeast/
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Two things I hate

1. Big dick jokes
2. When the table flips over after I stand up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2svn/two_things_i_hate/
%
A boy tells a cute girl a joke.

LONG
Boy: There are three flies trapped in a jar. One is a male and the other 2 are females. The male fly is at the bottom of the jar just sitting there acting as if nothing is wrong. The females fries are buzzing and trying to get out with everything they are. Then they see the male flying just sitting there. One female fly flies to him and said "Why are you not helping us??" And the male fly said, "There's an easy solution, kiss me and I'll tell you." So the female fly kisses him and then he tells her "all you have to do is fly to one side and then fly to the other as fast as you can and you will break the glass" The female fly does this and kills herself. Then the other female fly goes to the male fly and says "Why aren't you helping us?!" The male fly said there's an easy solution he will tell her for a kiss. Just as the last fly she kisses him and then he tells her to start on the bottom of the jar and fly to the top and break the glass. She does this and kills herself. Then the male fly gets out of the jar.
Girl: How did the fly get out??
Boy: Kiss me and I'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2qnc/a_boy_tells_a_cute_girl_a_joke/
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A sandwich walks into a bar. What does the bartender say?

We don't serve food here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2qgj/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_what_does_the/
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RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2le6/rip_boiling_water/
%
A man goes to the bathroom and sees a midget at one of the urinals

A man walks into a bathroom and sees a midget at the urinals. He walks over to him and starts pissing in the neighboring urinal. Out of curiosity, he looks over to him and realizes the midget has the biggest dick he has ever seen. After a while, he says, "Um... hey, I'm not gay or anything, but how did a small guy like you get such a massive dick?" The midget replies with "It's because I'm a leprechaun. I wished it for myself." "Well, could I have one like that too?" asks the man. "Sure thing!" says the leprechaun. "But, it will cost you." "How much though?" asks the man. "I already own a pot of gold, I dont need more money!  You have to let me fuck you up the ass!" The man thinks about it for a few moments. "I guess I could take it for a dick that big." The man pulls his pants down and gets on the ground. The leprechaun thrusts in and starts pushing and asks the man for his name. "M-My name is Jeff!" he stutters. "I see, how old are you?" he asks. "Th-thirty!" "Now, ain't that a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2k0u/a_man_goes_to_the_bathroom_and_sees_a_midget_at/
%
Dear Headphones,

Please stop having wild sex in my pockets.
Sincerely,
Person who is tired of untangling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2jxx/dear_headphones/
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I thought Trump's ties were made in China...

Why is everyone saying they're from Russia now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2gj3/i_thought_trumps_ties_were_made_in_china/
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I'm in a serious relationship with my WIFI

You could say we have a strong connection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2fs6/im_in_a_serious_relationship_with_my_wifi/
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Kid: I played with grandpa today!

Mom *angry*: I told you not to dig in the sandbox!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2bzj/kid_i_played_with_grandpa_today/
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A detective has finally solved a high profile dog murder.

He successfully followed a lead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i2a0j/a_detective_has_finally_solved_a_high_profile_dog/
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What blood type do optimists usually have?

B positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i25e5/what_blood_type_do_optimists_usually_have/
%
I'm not saying it's hot in my house...

...but a hobbit just threw a ring through the front door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i252k/im_not_saying_its_hot_in_my_house/
%
Roses are Red

, Violets are Blue
Pornhube is down
Your Facebook will do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i23pv/roses_are_red/
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Moses was sent by the Israelites...

to the top of Mount Sinai to negotiate with God over the commandments. After a month of intense discussion, an exhausted Moses came down with a list of 200 commandments.
The Israelites, however, weren't happy with this, and sent him back up to negotiate a better deal.
A week later, a washed out Moses returned from his mission.
"I've got some good news and some bad news," Moses told the Israelites.
"The good news is that I've gotten the list down to ten.
The bad news is that adultery is still on there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i22gi/moses_was_sent_by_the_israelites/
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What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i20p7/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mosquito_and_a/
%
Your girlfriend is so ugly

When she walks by a construction zone , workers get back to work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i20c3/your_girlfriend_is_so_ugly/
%
Fathers' Day may happen every year...

But Son Day happens every week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i1zaw/fathers_day_may_happen_every_year/
%
A man decides to ask out the quiet girl from town...

He shows up to her home and asks her mother to call for her. The only thing to do in their small town is a carnival in town so after a long quiet drive they make it to the fair. After walking around not talking the man, frustrated, asks her, "What did you have in mind for tonight?" She responds, "well I wanted to get weighed." Just so happens there's a booth there where a man guesses your weight. The man, thrilled just to have the young girl talking, rushes over to the stand. The man at the attraction guesses the girls weight and misses. She collects her prize and the couple walks away. After a long silence the man asked, "well is there anything else you'd like to do?" She responds "I really want to get weighed." Confused, the man walks the girl back to the guessing booth but the man there has had time to size the girl up and guesses her weight on the nose. She receives no prize and fed up with the date storms off. When she returns home her mother stops her and asks, "You're home early, how was your date?"
The girl says "wousy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i1vis/a_man_decides_to_ask_out_the_quiet_girl_from_town/
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Irish - Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision

British - Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision
Irish - Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the south to avoid a collision
British - This is the captain of a British Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Irish - Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.
British - This the aircraft carrier HMS Britannia. We are accompanied by three destroyers , three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees to the north, or counter measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship
Irish - We are a lighthouse, your call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i1uiy/irish_please_divert_your_course_15_degrees_to_the/
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What's Harry Potter's favorite way to go down a hill?

Walking.
J.K Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i1uaz/whats_harry_potters_favorite_way_to_go_down_a_hill/
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How is my dad supposed to celebrate Fathers day

When it's on a Sonday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i1r3g/how_is_my_dad_supposed_to_celebrate_fathers_day/
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"Mickey mouse it says you want to divorce Minnie because she was.........extremely silly?"

"No, I said she's fucking goofy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i1le6/mickey_mouse_it_says_you_want_to_divorce_minnie/
%
Happy father's day

from your little mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i1l7y/happy_fathers_day/
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What's the difference between salt and vinegar?

I wasn't charged with a vinegar last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i1hxd/whats_the_difference_between_salt_and_vinegar/
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An American, a South-African and a Korean are on a plane.

After a malfunction in one of the motors, the plane is forced to make an emergency landing. The plane crashes into the ocean, a few hundred metres from a remote island. Only the American, the South-African and the Korean survives.
All three swim to the island, and it quickly becomes clear that they are going to stay there for a while. The American decides to take responsibility, and gives everyone different jobs.
"I'll make an S.O.S sign for passing planes to see us. It would be great if you, South-African, can get us some shelter. And you, Korean, can you get us supplies?"
They all split up and begin their job. After a while the American and the South-African meet up. They are both finished with their job. The American has made a huge S.O.S sign, visible from a far. The South-African has made a really nice hut for them to live in. They begin looking for the Korean, but they can't find him.
As time passes by, the American and the South-African begin to worry. No sign for the Korean. The eventually decide that they need to get to the shelter without him, on an empty stomach. As the sky becomes dark, they start to hear something move in a bush, and become anxious. Has something happened to the Korean? Is there dangerous wildlife on this island?
Suddenly, the Korean jumps in to the hut and shouts "SUPLISE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i1huj/an_american_a_southafrican_and_a_korean_are_on_a/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i1hu0/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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Four fathers out for lunch

Four friends were out to lunch one day. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them goes outside for a cigarette. The rest began talking about their families and how life is going. They all have sons so their sons became the topic of conversation.
The first guy says: I am very proud of my son He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He eventually moved up and is now running the company himself.  He is now so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific! I am also very proud of my son. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns most the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand-new jet for his birthday.
The third guy says: Wow, that impressive! But I too am very proud of my dear son. He went to MIT and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He too is very generous to his friends, in fact he built one of his best friends a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion for his birthday.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone for a smoke came back and asked, “What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the success of our sons. What about your son?”
The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. That’s about it.
The three friends looking at one another laughing and said: “What a shame that must be, you must be disappointed no wonder you smoke!
The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed at all. At the end of the day he is my son and I love him. You make think it’s a shame, but he is doing well in life. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i1eqk/four_fathers_out_for_lunch/
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Making love to a woman is like playing a violin.

I don't know how to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i1drz/making_love_to_a_woman_is_like_playing_a_violin/
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Dad is obsessive compulsive about his vinyl and owns every single Beatles record except for one...

I think he needs Help!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i19l4/dad_is_obsessive_compulsive_about_his_vinyl_and/
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Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i19l2/dad_joke_alert_why_didnt_the_crab_and_lobster_get/
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Where do Bounty Hunters go to eat?

Bo Buffet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i19kg/where_do_bounty_hunters_go_to_eat/
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Elder Scrolls Joke

Yo momma's so fat the dark brotherhood needs two contracts to get her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i15i4/elder_scrolls_joke/
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You know what Mississippi needs?

A Mr Issippi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i12zv/you_know_what_mississippi_needs/
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What do a squirrel and a cigarette have in common?

Put either one in your mouth, light it on fire, and it will kill you.
Source: Friend told me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i0z18/what_do_a_squirrel_and_a_cigarette_have_in_common/
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"Heaven is getting too crowded"

St. Peter tells 3 men who died near the same time, "So we can only let in one of you.  Each of you will tell me how you died, and whoever died in the worst way gets in."  * The first guy enters St. Peters office and begins his story.  "There I was painting the balcony of my 14th story apartment, I leaned over the railing to get a tricky spot when I fell. Miraculously I caught the ledge of the next balcony, and was hanging on for dear life.  I couldn't pull myself up but luckily someone came out right away.  I thought I was saved but the man just started pounding on my hands. Somehow I held on for a long time, but when he brought out the hammer I was knocked off the balcony.  I fell to what I thought was certain doom, but landed in some bushes.  I was badly injured but alive.  When out of nowhere, a refrigerator falls on me and I was instantly killed."  * The second man then comes in to tell his story.  "I suspected my wife of having an affair so I came home early one day from work.  Sure enough there she was dressed in lingerie.  Irate, I began to search the apartment for culprit.  Just when I began to think that I had been wrong, I saw him!  He had hidden out on  my 13th story balcony by hanging over the ledge, clutching to the side.  Well, I completely lost it and went out and pounded on his hands with my fist, but the bastard still hung on!  I grabbed my hammer and began to hit his hands, finally knocking him off.  But when I looked down, he was still moving.  He had landed in some bushes!  In a fit of herculean strength, I hauled out our refrigerator and threw it on top of him. But the effort and stress was too much, and it gave me a  heart attack and I died." * St. Peter then called in the third man to tell his story.  The third man began "So there I was, naked in this refrigerator...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i0xto/heaven_is_getting_too_crowded/
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A Mexican boy meets Donald Trump

The Mexican boy says "One day, I'm going to be President of the United States!"
Donald Trump replied "Are you crazy?" "Are you retarded?" "Are you out of your mind?"
The Mexican boy pauses for a second and says "That's too many requirements for being President."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i0wpx/a_mexican_boy_meets_donald_trump/
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Why are Russian automobiles the most unreliable?

They're always Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i0qga/why_are_russian_automobiles_the_most_unreliable/
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A Jewish family had to put Grandpa in an old-folks home...

But there were no beds available at the Jewish one, so against his wishes they put him in the Catholic one across town. After a few days, they went to visit him to see how he was keeping.
They were concerned that he would hate it, but when they asked him how it was he said, "Let me tell you, this was the best thing you could have ever done. I love it here! Everyone is so respectful!"
"What do you mean?" asked his son.
"You see that guy over there?" said Grandpa, and pointed. "He was a surgeon before he retired. Hasn't seen a patient in 30 years, they still call him 'Doctor.' And that one? He was the conductor for a symphony orchestra. Been retired for decades. They still call him 'Maestro.'"
"That's great," said the son.
"And me? I haven't been with a woman since Grandma died, 20 years ago, and they STILL call me 'the fucking Jew!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i0otu/a_jewish_family_had_to_put_grandpa_in_an_oldfolks/
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A man and a women are talking about sex..

Man: "How do you like it? "
Woman: "It needs to be at least 12 inches, and I like it when it hurts.", she replies.
Man: "Well then, I'll fuck you twice and slap you in the face!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i0iqc/a_man_and_a_women_are_talking_about_sex/
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A mother and her child are having a conversation...

"Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?" The mom asks.
"My name is Paul." Says the child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i0h8f/a_mother_and_her_child_are_having_a_conversation/
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Father's Day is

Literally a day we celebrate the importance of  motherfuckers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i0g4q/fathers_day_is/
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So someone with dyslexia

Walks into a bra..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i0e9c/so_someone_with_dyslexia/
%
A bear is chasing a squirrel...

A bear is chasing a squirrel in the woods.
They cross a river when, all of a sudden, the river genie appears.
Genie: "Well, shit. Two customers. I don't know who triggered this whole thing, so lemme give you 3 wishes. Bear, you start, since you're bigger."
Bear thinks for a moment. He smiles: "Ok, I want all the other bears in this forest to be females."
Genie grants the wish, turns to squirrel. Squirrel thinks. He looks up to the genie: "I want a motorcycle."
Bear shakes his head: "Squirrel, you don't know how to wish." Genie then asked the bear for his second wish. Bear responds: "All right, I want all the other bears in the COUNTRY to be females." Genie grants the wish.
Genie turns to squirrel: "How about it?" Squirrel responds: "Gimme a motorcycle helmet."
Bear shakes his head again. "What's wrong with you?" Genie then turns once more to bear and asked for final wish. "You know what? I want all the other bears in the WORLD to be female." Genie grants the wish, then turns to squirrel.
Squirrel grabs his helmet, puts it on. He then walks to the motorcycle, gets on it. He starts it, runs the engine a little. As he rides away, not looking back, he yells: "I WANT THE BEAR TO BE GAY!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i0cxk/a_bear_is_chasing_a_squirrel/
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Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only cums once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i0bx4/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
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Idiot Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i09q7/idiot_teacher/
%
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
*The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun*
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
*The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled*
Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i095g/an_older_woman_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
Never in my life will I ever bunjee jump

Came into this world because of broken rubber and you'll be damn sure as hell I ain't leaving because of one either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i079z/never_in_my_life_will_i_ever_bunjee_jump/
%
Everyone keeps wishing a Happy Father's Day to "The Best Dad in the World."

I'm flattered. But I hope everyone wishes their own dad a Happy Fathers Day as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i05yq/everyone_keeps_wishing_a_happy_fathers_day_to_the/
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What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

Doug
What do you call the same man without a shovel in his head?
Dougless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i04wg/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_shovel_in_his_head/
%
Did you hear about agreeable Caesar?

He came, he saw, he concurred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i0318/did_you_hear_about_agreeable_caesar/
%
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...
On each floor the signs on the doors read:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,261,496,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Credit: I read this in the Porcupine Press UP Magazine and haven't seen it on here before so looked it up to share with all of you! FYI (Michigan) porcupine press is a great magazine/newspaper for the cabin, I hope it gets some attention as they don't turn alot of business being in the upper Peninsula and all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6i01kk/the_husband_store/
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What did the Eskimo say to his wife when he caught her cheating on him?

Inuit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzznb/what_did_the_eskimo_say_to_his_wife_when_he/
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It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart

One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzzas/its_not_difficult_to_tell_alligators_and/
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When does a dad joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzxxu/when_does_a_dad_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
Does anyone else feel that white bread is superior?

Or am I just breadjudiced?
Perfect day for a dad joke.  Happy Fathers Day, folks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzwmy/does_anyone_else_feel_that_white_bread_is_superior/
%
I hate people who pretend they're of high culture when they talk about Mozart.

They've probably never seen any of his paintings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzvj7/i_hate_people_who_pretend_theyre_of_high_culture/
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A young Indian hermit wanted an audience with god..

So, he gave up all his worldly possessions and left society to pray in the woods, he prayed for everyday, then after many many years god appears before him.         God: I'm pleased by your dedication, you may ask for anything and I'll grant your wish.         Hermit: Okay, but what took you so long, I have been praying for a very long time now.          God: The time in heaven works different, it may have been two decades for you but for me it was just a single second.         Hermit: Okay then, I wish for a kingdom, a very beautiful wife and lots of wealth.         God looks thoughtful for a moment and then says,' Darn! I forgot my wish granting wand, be back in a minute.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzsj9/a_young_indian_hermit_wanted_an_audience_with_god/
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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"

Because bitches love being called beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzr9v/the_only_b_word_you_should_call_a_woman_is/
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What happened to Helen Keller when she fell down the mountain?

She broke five fingers calling for help

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzqhk/what_happened_to_helen_keller_when_she_fell_down/
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A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Spain

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.
It looked good.
It smelled good.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull he wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzp1q/a_young_man_stopped_at_a_local_restaurant_after_a/
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So a prison break was happening...

And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.
It was a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzoo9/so_a_prison_break_was_happening/
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Politics is self describing

The word politics comes from poli- meaning many,
and -tics, meaning blood sucking parasites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzoi5/politics_is_self_describing/
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Yo mama so fat...

That when she takes a bath she doesn't use any water..... and it STILL overflows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzobo/yo_mama_so_fat/
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What is worse than Necrophilia?

Necrophilia threesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzjje/what_is_worse_than_necrophilia/
%
A man goes to a bar...

And drinks a couple of beers. Moments later an elderly man comes and sits next to him. Saying nothing for a while, the elderly man turns to the man and says "May i ask you a question?". The man replies "Sure why not."
The elderly man then says "Wanna bet for a beer that i can bite in my left eye?". The man thinks "there is no way that that is possible" and says "yeah sure". The elderly man proceeds to take his glass eye out, puts it in his mouth and bites on it.
So the man buys him a beer. After a random conversation the elderly man says "wanna bet again? But this time i'll bite in my right eye ", the man looks at his right eye and sees that it's not a glass eye, so its not possible for the elderly man to bite it and says "yeah, sure lets bet", the elderly man proceeds to take his dentures out and bite in his right eye with it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzhve/a_man_goes_to_a_bar/
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I started a boat business in the attic.

The sails are going through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzhtn/i_started_a_boat_business_in_the_attic/
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What does a prostitute call their genitals?

Their public parts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzgtg/what_does_a_prostitute_call_their_genitals/
%
I just bought a dog from the town blacksmith

When I took it home, it made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzf3v/i_just_bought_a_dog_from_the_town_blacksmith/
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Dating a homeless woman is great!

Whenever I take her home, I can drop her off wherever I want!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzcs1/dating_a_homeless_woman_is_great/
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What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs?

Gracias

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzcn4/what_do_you_call_a_spanish_footballer_with_no_legs/
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Business trip or pleasure?

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzcn8/business_trip_or_pleasure/
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I went to a place in France last week

It was nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzbvd/i_went_to_a_place_in_france_last_week/
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There were two guys walking by a bakery

Jim said, " Hey, watch this. I'm gonna steal a couple donuts."
He comes back a minute later. "He didn't even notice," Jim said to Steve.
"Ugh, all you think about is theft. Here, watch this. I'll get two donuts as well." Steve responded.
He goes up to the owner of the bakery.
"Hey, wanna see a magic trick?"
The owner agrees.
"I'll need two donuts."
The owner gives them to Steve, who then eats both of them.
"What's the trick?!" Asks the owner, thinking he was lied to.
Steve just replied, "Check my friend's back pocket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hzb91/there_were_two_guys_walking_by_a_bakery/
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An elderly couple are driving across the country.

The woman is driving when she gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman asks her, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband once again. "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gives the officer her license.
The patrolman looks it over and says with a smile to the old man, "Tallahassee, Florida, huh? I had a blind date once with a gal from there. Worst piece of ass I've ever had."
The woman turns to her husband. "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hz9l1/an_elderly_couple_are_driving_across_the_country/
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A driver gets pulled over by a highway patrol...

- Sorry officer, what did I do wrong?
- You were 65mph on a new 45mph section of the highway.
- But... I didn't see any sign...
- I know, it's so new that there are not enough. That's why you have the right to avoid a ticket by answering one single question. Do you want me to proceed with the question?
- Yes, please!
- Ok. So you are driving at night and suddenly you see two little yellow lights in front of you that are getting bigger and bigger, closer and closer. What is it?
- I know! A car!
- Sorry, sir, but you have to be more specific: it's a Toyota, a Mercedes, a Cadillac...? I'm sorry but I'm going to have to proceed with the ticket...
- But... How could I...? Please officer, give me another chance!
- Hmmm... Ok. But just one! So you are driving at night and you see one little yellow light in front of you that is getting bigger and bigger, closer and closer. What is it?
- A bike, Yamaha!!!
- Sorry, sir, but you have to be more specific: it's a touring one, a naked one, a custom one... I'm sorry but I'm going to proceed with the ticket...
- Ok officer... While you are at it, may I ask you a question?
- Sure, sir.
- Ok, so you are patrolling at night and suddenly you see a woman in the street, offering sex services to the men in the area. What's that woman?
- A prostitute, obviously.
- Sorry but you have to be more specific: is she your mom, your sister, your wife, your daughter...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hz8fw/a_driver_gets_pulled_over_by_a_highway_patrol/
%
I'm not just alright with my extra chromosome...

In fact, I'm down with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hz4un/im_not_just_alright_with_my_extra_chromosome/
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A man and his three beautiful daughters.

There once was a man living out in the countryside with his wife and his three beautiful daughters; Anne, Beth, and Claire. The man was very protective of his daughters, and when he learned that all three of them had fallen in love with three different men, he called the three men and said he wanted to meet all of them before he let them go out with his daughters.
The men showed up quickly. The father took the first man inside, brewed him a cup of coffee, sat him down at the table and asked:
"So who are you and why do you want to go out with my daughter Anne?"
"Well sir, my name is Eddie, and i want to take Anne out for some spagetti."
The father was somewhat surprised at the rhyme, but found it amusing and decided to let him take Anne out.
The second man walked in, sat down at the table, and was asked by the father:
"What's your name and why do you want to go out with Beth?"
"My name is Louie, and want to take Beth out to a movie."
The father was, again, amused at the rhyme and let the kids go.
The last man walked in, took a seat, and was asked:
"So, why do you want to go out with Claire?"
"Well, my name is Chuck-"
"Get out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hz35f/a_man_and_his_three_beautiful_daughters/
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If you're starting a stealth build in skyrim

Make sure to use leather armor, because it's made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hz2lo/if_youre_starting_a_stealth_build_in_skyrim/
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An army private was at a urinal....

An army private was at a urinal minding his own business when his corporal walked into the bathroom and stood at the urinal next to him.
Without meaning to he looked down and saw the corporal was pissing two streams of liquid instead of just the one. "Pardon me corporal, but what's going on down there?" The private asked. "Oh it's because of an old war wound" the corporal replied. Not wanting to push the subject, the private shrugged his shoulder and tried to not make any more eye contact with the corporal or his streams.
Just then the private's platoon sergeant walked in and began peeing on the other side of him. To both the private and the corporal's surprise they saw three distinct streams of urine coming from the sergeant's loins. "Gee sergeant, what happened there?!" The inquisitive private asked. "Oh, the three streams?" The sergeant replied, "Yeah that's from an old war wound".
Before the private had a chance to say anything his lieutenant walked into the bathroom. After standing still for a while, to the other surprise, they saw more than twenty different streams of pee coming from the lieutenant's crotch! "Holy shit LT! What kind of war wound caused all that...disfigurement?" The private asked.
"Oh this mate - Nah that's not because of a war wound, I just can't get my fly undone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hz0jn/an_army_private_was_at_a_urinal/
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What do you call a Japanese chicken that likes bondage?

Hen-tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hz0iz/what_do_you_call_a_japanese_chicken_that_likes/
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hyygl/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
I just ate a frozen apple.

Hardcore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hyvwv/i_just_ate_a_frozen_apple/
%
World is Flat.

"World is Flat". Jhonny said.
"How can you say that without any proof, Jhonny?" Amy replied.
"You're my world, Amy", he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hyvu8/world_is_flat/
%
President Trump visits a primary school.

Donald Trump visits a primary school and sits in on one of the classes, which is in the middle of a discussion on words and their meaning. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word " tragedy'" So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend,who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead , that would be a tragedy.
"That's wrong, "Trump shouts. "That would be considered an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff,killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"You are completely incorrect" shouts the President." That would be what we would consider a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.So Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying  President Trump were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens,that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Trump. "You are absolutely right. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"  "Well," says the boy, " because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hytxz/president_trump_visits_a_primary_school/
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Mary walked into HR

Mary: I need to file a sexual harassment against Jim.
HR: why what did he do?
M:  on Monday he walked up behind me in the kitchen and sniffed my hair. Saying I smelled good.
On Tuesday he did it again but that time he got closer.
And then today he dug his nose into my hair for at lease 10 seconds and said I smell sooo good
HR: well that is creepy, but that is really not him sexual harassment. Just invading person space.
M: you know Jim is a midget right!
HR: ohhhhhh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hyt89/mary_walked_into_hr/
%
There's no way the Earth could be flat.

If it was flat, cats would've knocked everything off the edge of the planet already!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hysuz/theres_no_way_the_earth_could_be_flat/
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This man gets married. NSFW

Jim ends up getting married to his girlfriend named Wendy. And the night of his bachelor party he ends up getting very drunk, and got his girlfriend name tattooed on his penis. And he is so proud that he shows her on the night of their wedding. But when she sees it it just she just see the "wy". Once he is erect does it say Wendy. Well they had a fun night of passionate love and fly the next day for their honeymoon. So they are going around having fun in Jamaica, seeing the sights, hitting the bars.
Jim ends up in the bathroom and is peeing next to this black guy at the urinal. Well we looks over and starts laughing. Well the guy looks at Jim and ask him what is so funny.
And Jim explains
" well I got my wife's name Wendy tattooed on my penis and only the WY shows right now. And well what are the odds I walking into another person that has "wy" tattooed as well. "
The guy laughs " well your close mon , see I am a tour guide down here. Mine does not say Wendy, mine say "Welcome to Jamaica mon have a nice day"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hys34/this_man_gets_married_nsfw/
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?

" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hyly8/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
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What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed to her?

I don't want to be Obama self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hykph/what_did_barack_obama_say_to_michelle_when_he/
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A man in his brand new car stops by his friends who were waiting for the bus.

His friends didn't know he had this car and ask him how he got it.
"So I was trying to get a lift, at the fuel station, and all of a sudden this absolute masterpiece of a girl stops by. You know, long blonde hair, big tits and everything.
Having driven for over half an hour, she told me she was getting a bit tired and we decided to have a walk in the woods.
Before we had walked a single mile, she said it was quite hot, took off all her clothes, laid down in the grass and said, "baby, you can have anything you want!"
So I had a look at all of her clothes, but they weren't quite my size, and decided to take the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hyigw/a_man_in_his_brand_new_car_stops_by_his_friends/
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Pierre the Famous French Fighter Pilot

Is making love to his wife.
He splashes red wine on her lips before kissing her. "I am Pierre, the Famous French Fighter Pilot! I like red wine with red meat!"
Later he splashes white wine on her breasts before sucking them. "I am Pierre the Famous French Fighter Pilot! I like white wine with white meat!"
Later he pulls out some brandy, douses her crotch, strikes a match and sets her ablaze. "Pierre! What are you doing?!" She exclaims.
"I am Pierre, the Famous French Fighter Pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hygyo/pierre_the_famous_french_fighter_pilot/
%
A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

The pilot over coms says
"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"
The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.
The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"
So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hyffd/a_brit_mexican_and_a_texan_are_all_on_a_carrier/
%
Why did the slave go to college?

So he could pickup his Master's degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hyd1g/why_did_the_slave_go_to_college/
%
Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.
Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hy6dn/did_you_hear_the_news_that_trumps_personal/
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one.

He's never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hy2it/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
%
My co-worker always tells me: "I see dead people"

And I always tell him: "Shut up, Steven, we're morticians."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hy2hk/my_coworker_always_tells_me_i_see_dead_people/
%
I bought a dolphin

Now my life has a porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hy1r4/i_bought_a_dolphin/
%
What is the number 3s favorite crime?

Trespassing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hy0xh/what_is_the_number_3s_favorite_crime/
%
Yo momma, she so fat...

there's people on the internet who believe she's flat, not round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hxxty/yo_momma_she_so_fat/
%
Bullseye

One of the best marksmen of the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting.
On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.
The FBI agent asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship.
The man turned out to be the village idiot.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI agent. "How in the world do you do it?"
"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterwards."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hxspb/bullseye/
%
Psychiatrists observe two patients at a mental institution...

Jack and Jill, the two patients, form an extremely strong bond.  The relationship is helping both Jack and Jill cope with difficult social interactions.  Jack and Jill make such progress, the doctors decide to observe them in various situations around the mental institution to see if they are ready to be released.  The patients tour the gardens, a different ward, and various other scenarios while being observed by the team of doctors.  For days, the trips are without incident and things are progressing smoothly.
Then Jack and Jill visit the swimming pool.  Jack falls in and Jill jumps in after him and pulls him from the pool, saving his life.
The next day, the doctor in charge of the institution visits Jill in her room.
"I have some good news and some bad news, Jill.  First, the good news is, after your heroic act saving Jack yesterday and your performance over the past few days, we think we can discharge you and let you lead a normal life outside of the institution."
"That's great!  What's the bad news?" Jill asks.
"Well, the bad news is that, when we went to check in on Jack this morning, he had hung himself in his room."
"No, that's not true! Jack didn't hang himself!" Jill explains.
"I am afraid so, Jill" the doctor calmly explains.
"No, he's okay!  I hung him there yesterday so he could dry off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hxreb/psychiatrists_observe_two_patients_at_a_mental/
%
Why is solving a Rubik's Cube like a leper's erection?

It looks hard, but it's really easy to pull off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hxntq/why_is_solving_a_rubiks_cube_like_a_lepers/
%
Happy Fathers' Day..

..motherfuckers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hxnpc/happy_fathers_day/
%
I told my girlfriend she has eyes like stars...

Very dim and far apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hxn3r/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_has_eyes_like_stars/
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Where do they have the best fruits and vegetables?

A 1950's psych ward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hxlxf/where_do_they_have_the_best_fruits_and_vegetables/
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What did the Captain say when his boat was stranded among a massive whale pod orgy?

"Whale, fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hxksf/what_did_the_captain_say_when_his_boat_was/
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Q. How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

A: It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hxjep/q_how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
%
A man tried to have sex with a angry cactus

Fucking prick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hxj9f/a_man_tried_to_have_sex_with_a_angry_cactus/
%
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hxfjd/a_young_man_goes_into_a_drugstore_to_buy_condoms/
%
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hxac9/a_man_goes_to_a_bar_and_sees_a_fat_girl_dancing/
%
An ex girlfriend is like a box of chocolates.

It'll kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hx7xl/an_ex_girlfriend_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
If the moon landing was indeed fake

NASA would owe us a huge Apollo-gy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hx710/if_the_moon_landing_was_indeed_fake/
%
Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."

"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hx0wm/dr_omahony_tells_his_patient_i_have_bad_news_and/
%
A snail is walking home from the pub one night, when he gets beaten up and mugged by two slugs...

He goes to the police, who ask him for a description of the attackers.
"To be honest, it all happened so fast..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hwywr/a_snail_is_walking_home_from_the_pub_one_night/
%
A well-endowed man has a 25-inch penis...

But it is too much for the ladies. So you goes to a doctor saying, "Doc, you got to help me. I have a 25-inch penis but it is too big. I need to make it smaller. What can I do?"
The doctor tells him, "Listen, I can't do anything for you, but rumor has it that there is a talking frog in the forest who might be able solve the issue. You need to ask the frog if you could kiss it. Whenever he says 'no' your penis will shrink by 5 inches."
The man takes the doctor's advice and heads into the forest. There was a lake there and out of nowhere a frog jumps out and says, "Halt, who goes there?"
The man, dumbfounded that there is an actual talking frog, is barely able to speak but manages to softly say, "Hello, I was was walking in the forest to find you. I must ask you one question: Will you kiss me?"
The frog says, "no" and hops away.
The man checks his pants and he sees that his penis has shrunk 5 inches just like the doctor said. He decides to come back tomorrow to shrink it some more. The next day the frog appears in the same spot and goes, "Oh it's you again. What do you want?"
The man tells him, "I was a bit saddened about your rejection yesterday and was wondering if you thought it over. Would you like to have a kiss from me?"
The frog says yet again, "no" and hops off again. The man checks his pants and sees his penis has shrunk by another 5 inches. He thinks to himself that 15 inches will probably still be too big for the ladies so he plans on coming the next day again for the last time. The next day comes and he is walking again in the woods and out comes the frog.
The frog, seeing it was the same man, already knew why the man was coming and blurted, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hwxyd/a_wellendowed_man_has_a_25inch_penis/
%
Why does Stephen Hawking date African Americans?

Because he loves to study black holes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hwve5/why_does_stephen_hawking_date_african_americans/
%
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

They both come when you're asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hwruw/what_does_bill_cosby_and_santa_claus_have_in/
%
I got really emotional at the petrol station the other day

I don't know why,
I just started filling up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hwq1u/i_got_really_emotional_at_the_petrol_station_the/
%
Two nuns are out for a stroll...

... they happen by a produce stand with lots fresh-from-the-farm offerings.
The first nun says  "Oh my, look at those cucumbers.  They look great and they're huge!"
The second nun nods her head excitedly and asks: "How much are those cucumbers young man?"
"They're three for two dollars," he replies.
The nuns smile at the vendor, then at each other.
The first nun says "Well, I guess we'll have to *eat* one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hwp3c/two_nuns_are_out_for_a_stroll/
%
Why couldn't the pirate see the movie?!

the uploader forgot to take the lens-cap off after the movie started

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hwnwp/why_couldnt_the_pirate_see_the_movie/
%
Two snakes are hanging out, when one asks the other, "Hey, are we venomous?"

The other snake replies, "I'm not sure."
"Well I hope not," the first snake says, "because I just bit my tongue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hwnbe/two_snakes_are_hanging_out_when_one_asks_the/
%
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hwmxg/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car/
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When you say "poop"

your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.
The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hwmui/when_you_say_poop/
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How is religion like a penis?

Its perfectly acceptable to have one, you can even be proud of it, but its not the best idea to go waving it around in other peoples faces
...and you especially shouldn't shove it down the throats of children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hwis0/how_is_religion_like_a_penis/
%
I'd like to tell a communist joke

but it wouldn't be funny unless everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hwinb/id_like_to_tell_a_communist_joke/
%
What do you call an empty container of Cheese Whiz?

Cheese Was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hwh3v/what_do_you_call_an_empty_container_of_cheese_whiz/
%
What did the Earth say when Earth saw a Comet coming towards it?

"COMET me bro"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hwe73/what_did_the_earth_say_when_earth_saw_a_comet/
%
i saw a kidnapping today..

i decided not to wake him up.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hw9fn/i_saw_a_kidnapping_today/
%
Bill Cosby is having a party to celebrate his hung jury.

There will be free drinks for all the ladies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hw815/bill_cosby_is_having_a_party_to_celebrate_his/
%
A brunette and an insufferable blonde are stuck on an island.

The brunette finds the blonde insufferable, and cannot imagine a fate worse than this. Suddenly, a magic lamp washes ashore. The brunette picks it up, rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.
"You have awakened me from my slumber", the genie says. "I will take both of you off this island and grant you three wishes. However, whatever you wish for, the blonde will get double whatever you get."
"Alright" the brunette replies. "I wish for one million dollars".
"Then the blonde will get two million."
"And I wish for a Rolls Royce waiting in my driveway"
"The blonde will have two awaiting"
"Finally", the brunette states, "See that stick over there? I wish you to beat me half to death with it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hw4xc/a_brunette_and_an_insufferable_blonde_are_stuck/
%
Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hw3yb/why_is_ea_the_worst_gaming_company_in_america/
%
I tried to give myself a sex change...

but I couldn't quite pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hw16p/i_tried_to_give_myself_a_sex_change/
%
There's an old man on his deathbed...

... sensing his time is near he beckens for his wife to join his side. She sits down next to him and clutches his hand and leans in to hear what he has to say.
In a shakey voice he says: "Maybel, when I die, I want you to marry Jenkins."
Taken back a moment, she looks at her husband and says: "Jenkins?! Why, I thought you hated him!"
The old man cackles and in his last breath he says "AND I STILL DO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hw14r/theres_an_old_man_on_his_deathbed/
%
Lincoln Navigator

I watched a guy in a Lincoln Navigator attempt to park in a busy restaurant parking lot. It took a friend to get out and direct him in order to wiggle into a spot. Afterwards he said to me, "now I know why they call it a navigator. It fu@*ing takes one to park it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvz9m/lincoln_navigator/
%
Told the hotel clerk I wanted all the porn on my TV disabled.

He said "You sick bastard, All of our porn is regular"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvykb/told_the_hotel_clerk_i_wanted_all_the_porn_on_my/
%
A friend of mine likes shits and giggles

So I spiked her drink with laxatives and laughing gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvy5i/a_friend_of_mine_likes_shits_and_giggles/
%
I have the body of a 25 year old Supermodel

But it takes up to much space in my freezer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvxrp/i_have_the_body_of_a_25_year_old_supermodel/
%
Club night

-MOOOOOM I'm going to the bar with the girls!
-Your not going anywhere with that skirt!
-But mooom why???
-Because I can see your balls Paul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvxql/club_night/
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I'm 37 years old, a husband, and a father of two pre-teens AND I don't tell Dad jokes...

because he left when I was 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvx9d/im_37_years_old_a_husband_and_a_father_of_two/
%
Did you hear about the fight at the candy store?

Two suckers got licked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvwpw/did_you_hear_about_the_fight_at_the_candy_store/
%
See your report card

Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card.
Johnny: I don’t have it.
Johnny’s father: Why not?
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvt7k/see_your_report_card/
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Despite all the hate it gets, working at Buzzfeed is probably a very nice job.

After all, you're being paid to go on Reddit all day,=.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvrt4/despite_all_the_hate_it_gets_working_at_buzzfeed/
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When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming in panic like his passengers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvpys/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_quietly_in_my_sleep_like/
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Vegans are disgusting

They always go grass to mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvple/vegans_are_disgusting/
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Today in elementary school.

Teacher: Next week, we have a field trip to travel to Uranus.
Kid: Myanus?
Teacher: No... You're traveling to timeout for field trip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvp2m/today_in_elementary_school/
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A Man With One Wish

There was once a man named Benny. Benny was old, tired, and most of all sad. He had no friends, no family, and worked the worst job. The only thing he ever looked forward to was seeing his beautiful neighbor on his way home from work, Jenny.
One day after coming home from work he say a strange lamp in his front yard. He brought it inside and began to clean it off with a towel and soap. As he rubbed the lamp, a small fairy squeezed its way out.
Benny was shocked as the fairy began to speak to him. "Hi Benny! Thanks for rescuing me!" Benny's eyes twitched as he examined the sprite. "As reward for your noble deed, I will grant one wish!" The fairy said.
Benny cleared his throat. With a tear in his eye he proclaimed "I... I wish to be happy!" The fairy nodded. "Your wish will be granted the next time you awake. But beware, there is one rule. You must never shave your beard or any hair on your face. If you do shave, you will spend eternity in a tiny pot! Do we have a deal?" Benny nodded his head and said with excitement "Yes of course!" He reached out his finger to shake the fairy's small hand.
The fairy disappeared in an instant. Benny was eager to sleep, so he threw on his pajamas and went to sleep.
The next morning, he noticed he had a huge beard that covered his chin. But that wasn't the only difference. He was also overjoyed with life. He felt joy and happiness at every moment in his day, even through his terrible job which he had previously hated.
On his way home, Benny saw Jenny. Benny worked up the courage to speak to hear, and they became closest of friends because of his bright new outlook on life.
By the end of the week, Benny and Jenny had become very intimate. However, Jenny was upset. "Listen.. I like you so much, but I need you to shave the beard. I just had a bad breakup with a guy who had a beard like yours.. I just can't be comfortable with you while you have it." Benny nodded his head and went straight into the bathroom to shave it off.
Benny lathered his face with cream. He took a razor off of his shelf and stared at his beard in the mirror. He hesitated as he remembered what the fairy told him. He shook his head and told himself "There's no way she would do that to me. She must have been joking!"
He shaved off his beard and began to leave the bathroom. He saw the fairy on the floor. She was enraged at him. "I TOLD YOU TO NEVER SHAVE YOUR BEARD!!" she screamed. At that moment, Benny was encased in a large urn, in which he would stay until the day he died.
A Benny Shaved is a Benny Urned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvooe/a_man_with_one_wish/
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I hate that whenever people talk about the Middle East, they compliment themselves.

We get it. You raq. Move on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvnqr/i_hate_that_whenever_people_talk_about_the_middle/
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Donald Trump woke up in the hospital following surgery...

... only to notice that the curtains were drawn around him.
DT: "Why are the curtains all drawn around me? Is something wrong?"
Nurse: "No, no, the surgery went fine. It's just that there's a huge fire just across the street, and we didn't want you to think you hadn't made it through."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvn20/donald_trump_woke_up_in_the_hospital_following/
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Bill Cosby's defense rested after 6 minutes into the trial.

I guess they drank his Kool-Aid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvmgf/bill_cosbys_defense_rested_after_6_minutes_into/
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A shapeshifter walks down a street

when suddenly he turns into a lane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvlqe/a_shapeshifter_walks_down_a_street/
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Little Jonny Sees Two Dogs in the Park

Little Jonny is walking with his dad through the park when he sees a dog mount on another one and starts having sex.
"Dad," he asked, "what are those dogs doing?"
"Well, they're making puppies."
Late that night, Little Jonny walked in his parents' room and caught them having sex.
"Mommy, Daddy, what are you guys doing?"
"Well," Dad replied, "we're making a little brother or sister for you."
Jonny thought about it for a moment, then said, "Turn her over, Daddy. I'd rather have a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvk02/little_jonny_sees_two_dogs_in_the_park/
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when i found out my hairdryer wasn't waterproof...

i was shocked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvjim/when_i_found_out_my_hairdryer_wasnt_waterproof/
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A joke told to me by an ex-NSA spook who worked in Western Germany during the Cold War. It describes the past leaders of the USSR perfectly.

Lenin, Stalin, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev are on a train to the Great Worker's Rally in Moscow. Suddenly, the train stops and the great men get out to discover that there are no tracks in front of the train. Worried about making it to the rally on time, the men start discussing a solution.
Lenin turns to the men and says, "Comrades, I know exactly what we should do! We will go to a nearby village and inspire the Proletariat workers to build a path the rest of the way to Moscow! That will get us to the rally in time!"
Stalin chuckled darkly and shook his head. "Comrade, you are too idealistic. That will never work! What we must do is go to the village and execute every tenth worker. This will frighten them to work as fast as possible building the tracks. Surely THIS is the best way to get to the rally!"
Brezhnev turned to the men and scoffed. "That will not work either! We have neither the supply nor the manpower. It is obvious what we should do. We will take the tracks from behind the train, and put them in front of the train. Then, we will move the train forward to Moscow, one track link at a time! This will be the most efficient way to reach Moscow."
Gorbachev looked at the other leaders and shook his head slowly. "My friends," he said, "you are all wrong."
"What should we do, then?" inquired the other leaders.
Gorbachev looked to them and said, "the only thing we can do is to get in the train, close the curtains, and pretend we are moving forward."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvj7z/a_joke_told_to_me_by_an_exnsa_spook_who_worked_in/
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A man dies and goes to Heaven.

A man died and went to heaven, where 3 angels met him, one of them says:
“Before you meet your fate, I should tell you, we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied:
“Yeah, once I was driving along a street when I saw a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvhul/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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What do you call an Italian with only one hand?

Speech impediment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvgew/what_do_you_call_an_italian_with_only_one_hand/
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I used to date a ghost...

I had to break it off though, because I just couldn't see us together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvft1/i_used_to_date_a_ghost/
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Father and his 5 year old Son are walking on their farm together...

The dad steps in dog poo and yells "SHIT!"
The son asks, "Daddy, what does shit mean?"
The father answers, panicking as he doesn't want to set a bad example, "Its another word for doormat"
The son is convinced and the dad breathes a sigh of relief.
Later, as they are walking home, the dad sees that there are some hooligans running through his wheat fields. Angered, he yells "BASTARDS!", to which the son replies
"Daddy, what does bastards mean?"
Again, flustered by his son's questioning the dad replies "Its another word for Police, son"
When they arrive home, the boy's mother is plucking a Chicken. She accidentally burns her finger in the boiling water and yells "FUCK!"
The son overhears this and asks, "mummy what does fuck mean?"
The mother scrambles for an answer and replies "Its just another word for pluck!"
Later that evening, the father is having a shave and accidentally cuts himself and yells "BOLLOCKS!"
The son, in predictable fashion, asks "Daddy what does bollocks mean?"
The dad is frustrated at himself by now for swearing so much, and replies "It's another word for face"
Shortly after this, there is a knock on the door.
The son opens it to see two policemen, and proudly says:
"Hello bastards! Come in, don't forget to wipe your feet on the shit!, my dad's upstairs shaving his bollocks and my mum's in the other room fucking a chicken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvbhp/father_and_his_5_year_old_son_are_walking_on/
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I've always wanted to buy an island and found my own nation on it.

I'd name it Procrasti. I'll get around to it some day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvb5d/ive_always_wanted_to_buy_an_island_and_found_my/
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Democrats and Republicans.

I was talking to a friend's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were to be the President, what's the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that.
You can come over to my house and mow the grass, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds, 'cause she's only 6.
And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her folks still aren't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hvath/democrats_and_republicans/
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I stole a stripper's child.

It was like taking baby from a Candi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hv525/i_stole_a_strippers_child/
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My doctor said I should avoid trans fats

So I stopped going on tumblr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hv1bp/my_doctor_said_i_should_avoid_trans_fats/
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Doctor: Do you do sports?

Patient: Does sex count?
Doctor: yes.
Patient: Then no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6huyn1/doctor_do_you_do_sports/
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I lost my job as a teacher for swearing.

People need to understand that's it a common thing to do during sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6huylu/i_lost_my_job_as_a_teacher_for_swearing/
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Should there be more books in prison?

I think the cons outweigh the prose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6huxhz/should_there_be_more_books_in_prison/
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Lady golfer

A lady comes up to the clubhouse after playing playing a few holes and she is fuming
She says
"A bee stung me"
The man at the desk replies
"where did the bee sting you
The lady replies
"Between hole 1 and 2"
The man at the desk says
"That's your problem, your stance is too wide"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6huwka/lady_golfer/
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Obama has been unable to to have sex with his wife since leaving office...

...as Reddit has been sucking his dick ever since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6huvt6/obama_has_been_unable_to_to_have_sex_with_his/
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What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6huvpy/what_do_you_call_a_can_opener_that_doesnt_work/
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Prof.: There are no dumb questions!

Prof.: "Are there any questions? There are no dumb questions!"
Student: "Do cows sweat more under the black dots than under the white ones?"
Prof.: "Wow..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6huty1/prof_there_are_no_dumb_questions/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his​ soul to santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hutgo/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
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Know why online dating doesn't work for snakes?

e-reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hutda/know_why_online_dating_doesnt_work_for_snakes/
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Apparently I wasn't accepted to the local emo club.

...They said I wasn't cut out for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6husq6/apparently_i_wasnt_accepted_to_the_local_emo_club/
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What type of clothing does Trump have a secret collection of?

Russian ties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6huslz/what_type_of_clothing_does_trump_have_a_secret/
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What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

They don't come until you're asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hups9/what_do_bill_cosby_and_santa_claus_have_in_common/
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My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food

Sushi left me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hup9g/my_girlfriend_hated_my_obsession_with_japanese/
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A genie meets a clitoris

"It's been a long time since a clitoris has rubbed the lamp," he says, "so I'm going to give you an extra wish. You have 4 wishes. Use them well."
"I'm tired of being small," said the clitoris. "I wish to grow an inch."
"granted" said the genie " use your second wish you well"
" I wish to grow another inch" said the clitoris.
"I wouldn't call wishing for the same thing twice a good use of a wish" said the genie, "but granted."
"thank you," said the clitoris "I wish to grow another inch"
"You wished for the same thing three times in a row and it's getting annoying"  send the genie "for your fourth wish you have to wish for something different."
"All right," said the clitoris. She pauses for a moment, then says "I wish to grow 2 inches."
"Granted," said the genie, "but now you're a real dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6huls5/a_genie_meets_a_clitoris/
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I'll never forget what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket

I wonder how far I can kick this alligator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hul46/ill_never_forget_what_my_grandpa_said_right/
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Bill Cosby went hunting

in the mountains with his banker and lawyer, but their car broke down on the return trip. While hiking back to civilization, they came across a very small farmhouse, and asked to use the phone. The local towing company couldn't do anything until the next day, but the farmer graciously offered them overnight accommodations, explaining that there was only enough room for two extra guests in the house. Unfortunately, one of them would have to sleep in the barn, which had not been cleaned in years.
The lawyer said, "No problem, I was raised on a farm, and I'm used to those kinds of things."
Everyone went to bed, but fifteen minutes later, there was a knock at the door. The lawyer was on the step, complaining, "Nothing on our farm ever smelled like that." So the banker said, "When I was a kid, I worked at a slaughterhouse. You can't believe the horrible stuff that was produced there." He went out to the barn, and everybody went back to sleep.
Fifteen minutes later, there was another knock at the door. The banker stood outside, and said, "Nothing in the slaughterhouse was as bad as that barn." Cosby shook his head and said, "You bunch of pussies, I'll sleep out there."
Fifteen minutes later, there's a third knock at the door. It's the barn animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hujcc/bill_cosby_went_hunting/
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ATM

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6huizk/atm/
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A call from the hospital

A man comes home from work, and as he's opening the door, he hears the phone ringing. He puts down his toolbox, and picks up the receiver.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Steve Sanders?"
"Yes, it is..."
"Hello, Mr. Sanders. I regret to have to tell you that your wife has been in an awful car accident and you need to come to Sinai General immediately. She is being treated by several doctors right now, led by Dr. Warner."
"OHMYGOD! I'm on my way!"
He is speeding his way to the hospital, and he can't stop himself from thinking the worst.
He parks in the lot, runs inside, and finds the front desk.
"Hello! Can anyone help me?! I'm looking for Dr. Warner!"
A nurse hears him and says, "You must be Mr. Sanders. Follow me"
As she takes him down a couple hallways to meet with Dr. Warner, his mind is going into overdrive. He thinks to himself, "Everything will be ok, everything will be ok."
They find Dr. Warner and the nurse says, "Dr. Warner, this is M---"
"YEAYEAYEA I'm Mr. Sanders, what is going on with my wife?!!"
The Dr. takes Steve to a couch in the hallway and they sit down.
"Well, Steve, I'm going to be up front with you, it doesn't look good. It looks like she will be paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of her life, but we have many pamphlets and materials to help you care for her once she is able to leave the hospital. We also have a very effective support group that meets once a week if you're interested."
As Steve is listening to all this, he is just freaking out, thinking about the prognosis, and what it means for the REST OF HIS LIFE.
He starts talking to himself out loud without realizing, "Wow, I never thought I would be in this position--we have only been married for three and a half years--do I really love this woman enough to put forth this kind of effort?--am I going to have to hire a full-time caregiver--or maybe quit my job and stay at home to do it myself?--I don't want to change adult diapers for years--I don't want to feed anyone food through a straw or whatever for years--"
The Dr. hears him saying all this and can't keep it in anymore.
"Mr. Sanders, We're fucking with you man, she's dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hui4u/a_call_from_the_hospital/
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A priest is confessing some nuns...

They're all in line before the confessional.
The first nun goes in and the priest asks: "What sins do you want to confess?".
"Well, father, I slept with that new young priest", she says.
"Oh, this is bad, my dear. And what did you do with him?", he inquires.
"I gave him a handjob with my left hand", she answers ashamed.
"Then wash your left hand in holy water", sentences the old man.
She leaves and another nun enters the confessional.
"What sins do you have to confess?", the priest asks again.
"I slept with that new priest, he is so handsome I could not resist".
The priest starts being a bit jealous of his young colleague's conquests and replies: "This is bad! What did you do with him?", he asks.
The nun answers "I gave him a handjob with my right hand".
"Then wash your right hand in holy water".
As the nun exits the confessional the priest hears a lot of noise and he sees that the other nuns are arguing near the stoup.
So he gets out and asks "What is this noise? Why are you arguing?", and one of the nuns screams "I'm sorry, father, but I want to wash my mouth before she washes her ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6huhyo/a_priest_is_confessing_some_nuns/
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A crocodile and a dog meet.

The croc looks at the dog with disdain and says: "Hey, flea bag!"
The dog looks back at the croc and says: "Hey, hand bag!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hug6p/a_crocodile_and_a_dog_meet/
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I like my women the same way I like my coffee.

With no penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hufr9/i_like_my_women_the_same_way_i_like_my_coffee/
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A Russian, an American and a Hindu go to purgatory

The Devil appears with a huge whip hanging from his belt. He sees the latest visitors and says:
"Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?"
The Russian steps forward.
"Alright, you've got three hours to prepare yourself."
The Russian puts on a full-body Kevlar outfit, gets into a tank, drives it into a concrete bunker, the bunker is covered with 15 feet of dirt and inch-thick titanium plates.
The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! The titanium and the dirt are gone. SNAP! The bunker and tank are gone. SNAP! The Russian howls in pain, the ground opens up under his feet and he drops straight to Hell.
"Next!", says the Devil. The Hindu steps forward.
"You've got three hours to prepare yourself."
"I need only five minutes. I have studied Yoga all my life and can make myself immune to all pain."
The Hindu gets into a lotus position, hums mantras for a few minutes, and rises a couple of inches off the ground. The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! The Hindu is completely unfazed.
"Hmm, impressive. Alright, you're free to go."
"Thank you, but only after I see how this last one makes it out of this", says the Hindu, looking at the American.
"Your call."
The angel turns to the American: "What are you going to shield yourself with?"
"With the Hindu, of course."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6huf5w/a_russian_an_american_and_a_hindu_go_to_purgatory/
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I'll never forget my grandads last words to me before he kicked the bucket...

He looked me right in the eyes and said "grandson, how far do you reckon I can kick this bucket"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hudnj/ill_never_forget_my_grandads_last_words_to_me/
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Me trying to flirt

Me: hey girl you dropped something
Girl: what?
Me: your standards, hi I'm John

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hudkv/me_trying_to_flirt/
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"On the plus side, I am completely immune to flash-bang grenades"

- probably Helen Keller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hubu7/on_the_plus_side_i_am_completely_immune_to/
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The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar...

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6huavl/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_all_walk_into/
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My Jewish friend told me this one

Two Jewish guys are walking along when one notices a sign on a Catholic Church that says, "Convert to Christianity and we'll give you 100$." The one says "should we do it?" and the other guy says "NO! are you crazy?" The first guy replies, "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars.... I'm gonna do it!" So he walks in the church, and then a while later he comes back out. The friend says, "Well? Did you get the money?"  Then the other says, "Oh is that all you people think about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6huaf2/my_jewish_friend_told_me_this_one/
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What did the algae say to the fungus about their symbiotic relationship?

I'm lichen it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hu7b6/what_did_the_algae_say_to_the_fungus_about_their/
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Hey guys I made up a new word!

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hu6qs/hey_guys_i_made_up_a_new_word/
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A man with 3 girlfriends is trying to figure out which one of them to marry.

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each 1 $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The 3rd one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought hard about how each of the women spent the money.
Finally, being a man he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hu67x/a_man_with_3_girlfriends_is_trying_to_figure_out/
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Knock, Knock, who's there? Grandpa!

Quick stop the funeral!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hu52d/knock_knock_whos_there_grandpa/
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Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated”

and “non-hyphenated”?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hu3mo/anyone_notice_the_irony_behind_hyphenated/
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Kids are really unappreciative sometimes

I got my little cousin Timmy a 1000 dollar trampoline and that little shit was still unhappy!
All he fucking did was sit in his wheelchair and cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hu20m/kids_are_really_unappreciative_sometimes/
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Job Security

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse.
One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked Joe.
"About $5,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Joe. "I've finally got job security!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htysl/job_security/
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A man died and was spirited to Heaven....

...where he met St. Peter at the gate. "Welcome to Heaven. I'll be showing you around."
They walked a short way and came upon a group of people singing, shouting and raising their arms in the air..."This is where the pentacostal followers worship."
They walked a little further and saw some people taking holy communion "Over here are the Catholics".
They walked by several more groups of followers openly worshiping in their own ways. Then Peter said "shhh, be very quiet now" as they walked past a long, tall brick wall. On the other side they could hear shouting and singing - what sounded like a big party going on. The man asked who was behind the wall. Peter said "Oh, those are the Mormons...they think they're the only ones here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htyg9/a_man_died_and_was_spirited_to_heaven/
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What do you call dental X-rays?

Tooth pics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htwpq/what_do_you_call_dental_xrays/
%
When it comes to women, I'm usually denser than a collapsed star.

Sometimes I even achieve singularity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htvof/when_it_comes_to_women_im_usually_denser_than_a/
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Has anyone else noticed

During most of the speeches Obama gave, he was behind bullet proof glass? I know he was black and all, but I doubt he would of shot anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htujk/has_anyone_else_noticed/
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Why was God hesitant to implement his evolution idea?

He worried it would defeet the porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htprp/why_was_god_hesitant_to_implement_his_evolution/
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There are two types of countries,

Those that use the metric system and those that have put a man on the moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htpbo/there_are_two_types_of_countries/
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If I clean my vacuum cleaner...

does that make me a vacuum cleaner?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htoc7/if_i_clean_my_vacuum_cleaner/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htmsd/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htmm6/a_small_boy_asks_his_dad_dad_what_are_politics/
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A hole was found in a nudist camp wall

The police are now looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htiwm/a_hole_was_found_in_a_nudist_camp_wall/
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Went shopping for cherries and microphones...

bought a bing, bought a boom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htiu5/went_shopping_for_cherries_and_microphones/
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htirp/one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an_important/
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I decided I wanted to be creative in coming out to my dad...

so one day I put on some makeup. When my dad came in I looked at him with a smile and said "I'm fucking Fabulous!"
He just stared at me and said "Stop doing that" before turning and leaving.
Figuring that I needed to be more clear, I did my hair up and put on some gorgeous nails. When he came in again, I yelled "I'm fucking Fabulous!" with a flick of my wrist.
He shook his head and yelled "I told you, cut that crap out!" and stormed off again.
I began tearing up, but I wasn't about to be deterred. I took off my shirt and covered my torso in baby oil and glitter. Shortly thereafter he came to my room again.
"I'm fucking Fabulous" I shouted, face red but words full of pride.
"I don't care what you wear, or what you named him" my dad yelled, "stop fucking that dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hth2c/i_decided_i_wanted_to_be_creative_in_coming_out/
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Where Did Sally Go During The Bombing?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htgkg/where_did_sally_go_during_the_bombing/
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I couldn't sleep last night due to all the barking and howling in the back yard…

And then, after I'd let the wife back in, the fucking dog starts…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htf87/i_couldnt_sleep_last_night_due_to_all_the_barking/
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Smuggling done right

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to the two sacks the man had on his shoulders."What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand ," said the cyclist.
"Get them off;we'll take a look ,"said the guard.
The cyclist did as he was told,emptied the bags ,and proving they contained nothing but sand , reloaded the bags , put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
A week later, the same thing happened.Again the guard demanded to see the two bags , which contained nothing but sand.This went on every week for seven months, until one day the cyclist with the bags failed to appear.
A few days later the guard just so happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say dude, you sure had us crazy," said the guard." We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word but you got to tell me what it is you were smuggling ?"
"Bicycles", said the cyclist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htd47/smuggling_done_right/
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I hate meeting dads.

That's why I only date black girls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6htbj3/i_hate_meeting_dads/
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Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words...

"Stop playing with that shotgun you little fucking cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ht8v3/man_i_still_remember_my_grandpas_last_words/
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The difference between an angry woman and a terrorist

is that sometimes you can negotiate with the terrorist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ht7n0/the_difference_between_an_angry_woman_and_a/
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The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness?

100 metres over 9.58 seconds.
edit2: holy shit I was tired when I wrote this. My physics teacher will kill me. I wrote time/distance instead...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ht6vp/the_speed_of_light_is_3108_metres_per_second_what/
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Sometimes I wonder how Vegans survive with what little they eat

Then I remember they just feed off attention

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ht5v5/sometimes_i_wonder_how_vegans_survive_with_what/
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I am extremely picky about what I eat.

Everything I eat must absolutely be describable with a word that begins with "F". It must also must also end with "D". And finally, it should have two "O"'s in it. I simply will not eat anything that does not meet my minimum criteria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ht4je/i_am_extremely_picky_about_what_i_eat/
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Confused

Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together. The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.
The robbery begins. The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," he said.
He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes, two minutes pass... seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out.     Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the guys are getting away, the first lover says "I thought you understood the plan!"
The second lover said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," he replied. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ht3k5/confused/
%
Two guys are hiking in the woods...

...and they come upon a big hole in the ground.
One of them grabs a rock and drops it and they wait and they wait and they wait and they never hear it hit the ground. So they go over to a big boulder and roll it over to the hole and shove it over the edge. And wait and wait and wait and they never hear hit bottom.
They're amazed. How far down does this thing go?
One of the two guys says, "Hey, look at that." And they grab this huge railroad tie lying there and drag it over to the hole and they just fire this railroad tie right down the middle of that hole. Again, they're waiting and waiting and waiting - nothing happens.
Suddenly a goat comes running by them and just dives head-first down the hole. They start laughing, what was that?
A few minutes later a guy comes walking up to them and says "hey, can you guys help me out? I'm looking for my goat."
The guys look at each other, then look at the man and say "you know what, this is really strange, but this goat just came running by us and jumped into that there hole."
The man says, "Nah that wasn't my goat. My goat was roped to a railroad tie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ht2zp/two_guys_are_hiking_in_the_woods/
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Why did Mary become rich after giving birth to Jesus?

She made a prophet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ht1yi/why_did_mary_become_rich_after_giving_birth_to/
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Two cats are stuck on a roof. Which one falls off first?

One with the smaller mew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hswu4/two_cats_are_stuck_on_a_roof_which_one_falls_off/
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What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?

She drops him off at band practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hsrvo/what_does_a_stripper_do_with_her_asshole_before/
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What's in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?

The Captain's log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hsoht/whats_in_the_toilet_of_the_starship_enterprise/
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A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just gave birth to their first child "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 24 pounds…

Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!"
Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "18 pounds."
The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 24 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hso4j/a_texan_buys_a_round_of_drinks_for_the_entire_bar/
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I am registered as a sex offender

...but where do I log in?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hskd6/i_am_registered_as_a_sex_offender/
%
An old woman calls her doctor.

She said she is tired of living and want to know the best way to kill herself. The doctor says, " Im sorry ma'm but i cant help you kill yourself!" The old woman tells him, "Fine, i will just jump off of a building then." The doctor didn't want that, so he said "Very well. Lay down in your bed and shoot yourself two inches below your left breast." So, the woman called all of her loved ones one last time, got her husbands old shotgun, lied  down in bed, and blew her left kneecap off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hsj0s/an_old_woman_calls_her_doctor/
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A man sucked the blood of a vampire and he said..

Hmm, irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hsggh/a_man_sucked_the_blood_of_a_vampire_and_he_said/
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Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?

To keep them from rolling out of bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hsetr/why_do_they_give_men_viagra_in_the_old_folks_home/
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I just don't understand puns about furnitures!

I haven't​ done it sofa, it's just weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hse74/i_just_dont_understand_puns_about_furnitures/
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Prostate examination [NSFW]

A guy goes into the medical center for a checkup. The nurse asks him if he's ever had a prostate exam before, and reassures him it's very straightforward and not to worry. Just go through into the next room, and the doctor will be with you shortly.
So he goes into the room and starts undressing. It's only a minute before the Doctor comes in and tells him to drop his trousers. Asked where to put his pants, Doctor says "right here next to mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hscxd/prostate_examination_nsfw/
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whats the highest form of flattery

a plateau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hs8ga/whats_the_highest_form_of_flattery/
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We ran out of beer,

Says a man to his wife, who then tells him to go the supermarket and get a crate of beer.
"Oh," says his wife, "and if the have eggs, you bring six of them!"
Half an hour later the man returns with six crates of beer and his wife asks him why he brought six crates of beer.
The man replies, "They had eggs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hs7pd/we_ran_out_of_beer/
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Absence may make the heart grow fonder...

But abstinence makes the dong grow harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hs7oa/absence_may_make_the_heart_grow_fonder/
%
A man at work walks into his boss's office and bets him for two grand, that at exactly 2 AM, there will be a giant wart on his ass.

His boss is a bit confused, but he accepts the bet.
So at 2 AM the man walks into the office of his boss again and says that he would like to... have a look.
So his boss drops his pants, but the employee says that can't really see it all that well and asks him to stand in front of the window for better lighting.
The boss tells the employee that clearly, no wart has appeared and the man accepts his defeat. He tells his boss that he's gonna pick up the money. His boss asks him where he's gonna get it from.
The man explains that he bet ten other employees for five grand each that he could get the boss's naked ass in front of the window at 2 AM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hs65c/a_man_at_work_walks_into_his_bosss_office_and/
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The Beauty Parlor

Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 14-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.
He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex. The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally."
So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"
"Yes, Ma'am, " Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch' em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hs38l/the_beauty_parlor/
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Being a North Korean is tough and all but hey

At the end of the day, I can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hs1ie/being_a_north_korean_is_tough_and_all_but_hey/
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A nurse got a new job at a new hospital

Her boss thought that she knew everything about the job, except for ONE THING: "Never laugh at a patient, no matter what."
"Of course I won't laugh," the nurse said. "I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
Three days later, the hospital received a new patient that the nurse was in charge of. "I have a problem with my sexual organs," the man said. "Okay, just drop your trousers for me," the nurse responded.
"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hs0jy/a_nurse_got_a_new_job_at_a_new_hospital/
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What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hrzt7/what_do_you_call_a_guitarist_without_a_girlfriend/
%
How do you clean a planet of dinosaurs?

Give it a meteor shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hrvpn/how_do_you_clean_a_planet_of_dinosaurs/
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I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom,

Until they are flashing behind you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hrvai/i_find_it_ironic_that_the_colors_red_white_and/
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The naming of my children

Yesterday, my eldest daughter asked me,"Father, why is my name Rose?". I explain to her it was because a rose petal landed on her head as she was birthed on our patio. Curious, my middle child asked me,"Father, why is my name Lily?". I explain to her it was because when she was birthed a lily flower petal fell onto her head after it blew in through a window. My youngest grunted,"Raaghhrgh?". I reply,"Quiet down now Cinderblock we already fed you!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hrtlt/the_naming_of_my_children/
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I was going to tell a joke about necrophilia and bestiality...

But that would be beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hrnkm/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_necrophilia_and/
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Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them.

Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents off Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage. Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan. "We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it" So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?" As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it... In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints... Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!" Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hrkzt/paddy_and_sean_are_planning_to_go_out_on_a/
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A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds, coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his
climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please!" said the man.
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hrj1l/a_muslim_dies_and_finds_himself_before_the_pearly/
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Why do women not propose to men?

Because as soon as a woman goes down on her knees, a man automatically unzips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hrhfm/why_do_women_not_propose_to_men/
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Why did the skeleton burp?

Because it didn't have the guts to fart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hrgoz/why_did_the_skeleton_burp/
%
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys.

The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hreg2/an_irishman_goes_into_a_bar_in_america_and_orders/
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Ignorance of the law is not a valid defense…

unless you're the president

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hre9e/ignorance_of_the_law_is_not_a_valid_defense/
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Everything I need to know about life I learned from my cat

* Naps.  Whatever the question, the answer is naps.  If you’re sleeping less than 12 hours a day you’re wasting your life.
* Play with your food.
* Stretch.
* Bury your shit.
* Or make it a public statement.  No middle ground.
* Disdain.  Own it.  If your baseline expression is one of mild disapproval you won’t have to do as much backtracking later.
* If it’s bigger than you: run.  Unless it can’t touch you.  Then mock.
* If it’s smaller than you: kill it with malice and eat it.  At least desecrate the corps with an eye toward eating it.  And, if you do eat it and it doesn’t settle well on your tummy, vomit the remains in a prominent location.  This is a potent statement of your boundaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hrcwo/everything_i_need_to_know_about_life_i_learned/
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Riddle me this: What's Hot N Red, Best in Bed?

A bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos cause I'm alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hr6m4/riddle_me_this_whats_hot_n_red_best_in_bed/
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John Wick stabbed a guy in the shoulder.

He was left with a bad shoulder blade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hr5wl/john_wick_stabbed_a_guy_in_the_shoulder/
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Don't become an Islamic suicide bomber for the off chance you'll get 72 virgins after death.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hr5df/dont_become_an_islamic_suicide_bomber_for_the_off/
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What is an Irish 7-course meal?

A 6-pack and a potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hr57g/what_is_an_irish_7course_meal/
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What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?

Alpaca lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hr56k/what_did_the_llama_say_when_he_was_invited_to_the/
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Donald Trump - "I'm not orange!"

"Impeach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hr3q0/donald_trump_im_not_orange/
%
The priest in a small Irish village...

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hr2p0/the_priest_in_a_small_irish_village/
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Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hr2p3/maybe_if_we_all_emailed_the_constitution_to_each/
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Why are all sandwich fillers related?

Because they're in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hr0mp/why_are_all_sandwich_fillers_related/
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I love white rice, but hate brown rice!

Does that make me rice-ist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqzmr/i_love_white_rice_but_hate_brown_rice/
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There was once a man named Juan...

Juan was the most charismatic person around, and because of this he made a brilliant teacher. All of his students loved him, and Juan had helped their grades go up by at least 10%. So of course, when the principal at the time resigned Juan's pupils pushed him to become the next principal and so he decided to give it a shot. At this school, anyone who wants to run for principal has to give a speech to the school's board outlining why they believe they should be the principal, so Juan gets up before the school board and simply says "I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog" and because everybody loved him he got the position of principal
A few months had passed before the town's mayor decided to resign, and because everybody in town loved Juan they encouraged him to run for mayor. So he gets up in front of the townspeople and says "I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog.", the speech was met with a huge cheer and Juan became the mayor.
Juan had been mayor for a few years before his townspeople decided to encourage him to run to be the next President, so he decides "why not" and enters the presidential race. Juan made it all the way to the presidential debates, where he simply said "I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog", and because every American loved him he was sworn into presidency.
A few months later, Juan was incredibly drunk in the oval office. His wife walked into the office to check on him and in his drunkness, Juan pulled a gun on his wife and shot her. Juan's kids ran to the oval office to see if everything was okay and Juan being the drunk man he was shot them both dead, and a few minutes later the dog walks into the room and was met by a bullet to the face.
Whilst Juan was drunk, he still knew that he had just committed multiple offences and made a run for it, out of the white house and onto the streets.  A few nights passed and Juan decided he needed to catch up on his sleep, so he went into a back alley looking for a dumpster to sleep in and he found one. He opened the lid of the dumpster and was greeted by a homeless man, Juan panics and says "Sorry sir, I mean no harm", the homeless man recognised Juan and said "hang on, aren't you Juan, the guy who shot his wife, kids and dog?". "Yes I am, but I mean no harm, I just need a place to sleep" replied Juan, however, the homeless man didn't take a word of it and pulled out a golf gun.
What's a golf gun? I don't know, but it definitely shot a hole in Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqy1l/there_was_once_a_man_named_juan/
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Laughter is the best medicine.

Unless you're diabetic, then insulin is pretty high on the list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqu0z/laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
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Two muffins are put in an oven.

The first muffin says, "Man, are you hot or is it just me?" The second muffin replies, "This isn't the time for flirting, Dave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqtnj/two_muffins_are_put_in_an_oven/
%
Why didn't Miss Piggy get married?

She was afraid of Kermit-ment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqnry/why_didnt_miss_piggy_get_married/
%
My wife met me at the front door wearing sexy lingerie

The only trouble was, she was coming home.
- joke stole from the great Rodney Dangerfield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqmxl/my_wife_met_me_at_the_front_door_wearing_sexy/
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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,

Mom, can little girls have babies?” “No, of course not” she said. Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay! We can play that game!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqk3z/little_johnny_came_running_into_the_house_and/
%
"Honey, I'm pregnant"

Hi pregnant ***I'm dad!***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqixm/honey_im_pregnant/
%
I searched Google for "How to cheat on my girlfriend."

The first result was "I hope you used the left hand to type that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqg24/i_searched_google_for_how_to_cheat_on_my/
%
Why can't my girlfriend turn me on?

Seriously. It's not that hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqfnq/why_cant_my_girlfriend_turn_me_on/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling

He asks the bartender what's with the meat?
The bartender says if you can jump and hit one you get free drinks for the night. If you miss, you buy the whole bar drinks for the night.
The guy says I'll pass. The steaks are too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqeh6/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_3_slabs_of_meat/
%
I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when...

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won’t come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.
"I’m sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqdwt/i_was_having_a_drink_at_a_local_restaurant_with/
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Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar.

The bartender, who is a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the yogurt cartons says to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqdku/two_cartons_of_yogurt_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqcpm/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_hangs_out_with/
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An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hqa0l/an_irish_priest_is_driving_along_a_country_road/
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My kids are nothing but trouble.

I told my son "One day you'll have kids of your own."  He said "So will you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hq8pc/my_kids_are_nothing_but_trouble/
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What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday ?

Don't know he hasn't opened it yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hq86e/what_did_the_boy_with_no_arms_get_for_his_birthday/
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your honor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hq5g0/what_do_you_call_a_lawyer_with_an_iq_of_50/
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So my wife and I need to go to Gamblers Anonymous because of our money problems

I bet her twenty bucks I could finish all the steps before her. What are my odds?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hq2db/so_my_wife_and_i_need_to_go_to_gamblers_anonymous/
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A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hq26g/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I just got pulled over for speeding and the cop asked me to identify myself. I sat up straight and looked in the mirror and said...

"Yes. That's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hq1ti/i_just_got_pulled_over_for_speeding_and_the_cop/
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Life is like a penis.

It's all relaxed freely hanging, and then a woman comes and makes it hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hpvq3/life_is_like_a_penis/
%
Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?

She was a woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hppv1/why_was_helen_keller_a_bad_driver/
%
Where do alligators that can't accept the truth go?

Da Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hpm3a/where_do_alligators_that_cant_accept_the_truth_go/
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What made Sean Connery give up being a Mall Santa so fast?

He started off by saying "Shit on my lap, laddy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hpgku/what_made_sean_connery_give_up_being_a_mall_santa/
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Why is everyone always telling me to invest in a retirement program?

If I have them rotated every 6000 miles like I'm supposed to I shouldn't have to re-tire in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hpfzi/why_is_everyone_always_telling_me_to_invest_in_a/
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Hey girl, are you a parking ticket?

Because I picked you up on the street, and now I can't afford to pay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hpevb/hey_girl_are_you_a_parking_ticket/
%
A Vagina is like a paperclip

Tight and useful until you start putting bigger things in it.
*Original joke*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hpeci/a_vagina_is_like_a_paperclip/
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A Chinese man wakes up on the beach with no memory. He says he thinks his name is Fred.

But I think he might be Wong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hpdje/a_chinese_man_wakes_up_on_the_beach_with_no/
%
I like rock bands named after their lead singers

Like Marilyn Manson, Alice Cooper, and Tool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hpciw/i_like_rock_bands_named_after_their_lead_singers/
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The only time I'll ever have a smoking-hot body

...is when I'm cremated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hp2yg/the_only_time_ill_ever_have_a_smokinghot_body/
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Pooping in the elevator isn't the worst thing ever

Because then you can take shit to a whole new level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6howwm/pooping_in_the_elevator_isnt_the_worst_thing_ever/
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Why did the head banker get fired?

He just lost interest in the job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6howda/why_did_the_head_banker_get_fired/
%
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?

Banned from the petting zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hovt9/what_do_you_get_when_you_insert_human_dna_into_a/
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A Frenchman, Spaniard and Indian are sitting on the deck of a ship...

awaiting their punishments by the British Captain. The Captain approaches and says,"I have been given strict orders by the Commodore that the punishment shall fit the crime".
"You shall list the crime you have been convicted of, and I shall determine the appropriate punishment, which shall then be carried out by our Commander"
The Captain points to the Frenchman.
"Now then, what have you been convicted of".
"I have been convicted of attempting to escape", the Frenchman says, "I tried to runaway last night from the ships brig".
"Well now, since you used your feet to run, then I shall have the Commander count your toe nails", demands the Captain.
The Commander proceeds to count each individual toe nail and after a few seconds declares "10 nails!".
"Very well Commander", the Captain gazes down at the Frenchman, "then you shall receive 10 nails delivered into your arse".
"Get the Hammer!"
Next, the Captain points to the Spaniard.
"Now then, what have you been convicted of".
"I have been convicted of espionage", the Spaniard says, "I was spying on behalf of the Spanish fleet".
"Well now, since you used your eyes to spy, then I shall have the Commander count your eye lashes", demands the Captain.
The Commander proceeds to count each individual eye lash and after a few minutes declares "100 lashes!".
"Very well Commander", the Captain gazes down at the Spaniard, "then you shall receive 100 lashes delivered into your arse".
"Get the Whip!"
Lastly, the Captain points to the Indian.
"Now then, what have you been convicted of".
"I have been convicted of scalping", the Indian says, "I carved the scalp off of a British Lieutenant".
"Well now, since you removed the hair on his head, then I shall have the Commander count the hairs on your head", demands the Captain.
The Commander proceeds to count each individual strand of hair and after a few hours declares "1,000 hairs!".
"Very well Commander", the Captain gazes down at the Indian, "then you shall receive 1,000 hairs delivered into your arse".
"Get the Rabbits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hov7h/a_frenchman_spaniard_and_indian_are_sitting_on/
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What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6houxz/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_the_stairs/
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My girlfriend left a note

on my refrigerator saying "This isn't working, goodbye"
I opened the fridge and it's working just fine...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hotvi/my_girlfriend_left_a_note/
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A priest and a rabbi

A priest, a rabbi, and a bunch of kids are on a plane. Suddenly, the plane starts to go down. The rabbi notices that there is only 2 parachutes, takes one and throws the other to the priest.
The priest asks, "what about the children?!!"
The rabbi replies, "fuck the children!"
The priest replies, "is there enough time?!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hor19/a_priest_and_a_rabbi/
%
How do you invite a guitarist to a party?

Chordially.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hoqju/how_do_you_invite_a_guitarist_to_a_party/
%
Did you hear about the gunfight in the Catholic church?

Mass Shooting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hoo17/did_you_hear_about_the_gunfight_in_the_catholic/
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How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.
Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.
Bezos: Crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hoo0o/how_amazons_acquisition_of_whole_foods_really/
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As an American, I'm surprised by how unpopular cream cheese and peanut butter are in the rest of the world...

I just thought they would have spread more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hon8n/as_an_american_im_surprised_by_how_unpopular/
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I wrote "Syria" on the front of my mathematics final...

Because I bombed the living fuck outta that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hoj4q/i_wrote_syria_on_the_front_of_my_mathematics_final/
%
How to make america great again?

Make it terrible first so that returning to normal looks like it is making it great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hoiyd/how_to_make_america_great_again/
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What do rednecks and college kids have in common?

They're both trigger happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hoili/what_do_rednecks_and_college_kids_have_in_common/
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"Did you hear about that actress who killed her self?"

"Did you hear about that actress who killed herself? Her name was Reese something-or-other... I don't remember."
"Witherspoon?"
"No, no... with her knife."
--
A joke my 5th grade teacher told me years ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hod6v/did_you_hear_about_that_actress_who_killed_her/
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Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?

Because If they had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hoc06/why_do_chicken_coops_only_have_2_doors/
%
Why are homeless people the best spies

Because they can't afford to be seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hobd9/why_are_homeless_people_the_best_spies/
%
How come Jeff Bezos spending 13 billion makes the news?

I spent 13 billion dollars last week at Whole Foods as well and all I got was some vegan avocado toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ho6e7/how_come_jeff_bezos_spending_13_billion_makes_the/
%
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ho4x7/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
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What has no legs and sounds like a dog?

A log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ho12a/what_has_no_legs_and_sounds_like_a_dog/
%
How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting "13,13,13. . ."
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.  Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14, 14, 14. . .."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ho0oi/how_i_learned_to_mind_my_own_business/
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A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor

. The doctor looked him over and declared, "Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring... a BANANA."
The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over, whereupon the doctor... introduces the banana into the man's system. The man is shocked.
The doctor says, "Excellent job. Now please come back in three days with another banana." The man trusts his doctor, so in three days he returns with another banana.
The doctor again asks the man to remove his pants and again he... introduces the banana... into the man's system. The man is extremely confused, but his stomach pains aren't as bad anymore so he will continue to follow his doctor's orders.
The doctor says, "Great job. Now please come back in three days with... a HAMMER."
The man returns with a hammer three days later. He is extremely confused, but upon seeing the doctor he receives his instructions. "Please take off your pants and lie on your side on the examination table," says the doctor. The man lays there for a few minutes with his rear end bare. The doctor breathlessly grips the hammer and waits.
The tapeworm pops out of the man's butthole, looks at the doctor and says "Hey where the fuck is my banana?"
BAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hnyon/a_man_was_having_some_stomach_pains_so_he_went_to/
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GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective! We should split up.

Me: Good idea we can cover more ground that way!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hnxs5/gf_im_sick_of_you_pretending_youre_a_detective_we/
%
Save the sheep

A Welshman, a sheep, and his dog end up stranded on a deserted island. Every time the Welshman tried to fuck the sheep, the dog would bite at him. He gets fed up with getting bitten so he stops.
One day the Welshman finds the most beautiful woman he's ever laid eyes on; unconscious on the shore so he rescues her and nurses her back to health. When she awakens she is grateful and offers him anything he'd like. Anything at all.
"Please, for the love of god, take that dog out for a walk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hnubo/save_the_sheep/
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Can a ninja aim precisely?

surehecan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hnua5/can_a_ninja_aim_precisely/
%
A girl is sleeping in her religious studies class...

The teacher asks the class, 'According to the Bible, who created man?'. The boy sitting next to the sleeping girl is bored and wet willies the girl. She wakes up and screams, 'OH GOD!'. The teacher  replies, 'Correct!' The girl falls asleep again.
Next, the teacher asks the class, 'Who is the son of God?' The boy is still bored and wet willies the girl again. She wakes up and screams, 'JESUS CHRIST!' The teacher is impressed. The girl falls asleep again.
Finally the teacher asks, 'What did Eve say to Adam after having their 27th child?' The boy wet willies the girl again. She wakes up and screams, 'That's the last fucking time you're ever putting that thing inside me and if you ever do it again I'll slice it off and shove it up your ass'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hntqp/a_girl_is_sleeping_in_her_religious_studies_class/
%
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.

The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hnr4i/one_night_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_sad/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hnpsy/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
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Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...
Habib begs just as long as Ali does,  but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib asks Ali :-
'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads
'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Ali  says No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Ali shows Habib his sign....
It reads,
'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.
**Product positioning is so important in sales**!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hnkux/two_beggars_in_london/
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4 Nuns go to heaven...

and arrive at the gates of Heaven in front of St. Peter.  They line up and the first one approaches him and he asks the nun if she's ever sinned before.
The first Nun says, "Yes, I've seen a penis before".  St. Peter tells her to go over to the holy fountain and wash her eyes out and she can proceed.
The second nun approaches and gets asked the same question, she says, "Yes I have, I've touched a penis before."  St. Peter tells her to was her hands in the holy fountain and she can proceed.
The fourth nun pushes the third out of the way and cuts her in line.  St. Peter looks confused and says, "Okay, so whats that about?"..  The nun responds, "I don't want to gargle the holy water after it's been up her ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hnkrh/4_nuns_go_to_heaven/
%
If there were two vegetarian rappers

Could they still have beef? Or would they squash it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hndkn/if_there_were_two_vegetarian_rappers/
%
Why does Putin always take the bus to work?

His car is always Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hnark/why_does_putin_always_take_the_bus_to_work/
%
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

Then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hn75w/a_linguistics_professor_says_during_a_lecture/
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We should start calling the planet "unborn baby"

maybe then republicans would want to save it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hn6p7/we_should_start_calling_the_planet_unborn_baby/
%
Bezos: "Alexa, buy me something from Whole Foods"

Alexa: "Buying Whole Foods"
Bezos: Shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hn2oo/bezos_alexa_buy_me_something_from_whole_foods/
%
Confucius say, man who puts penis in peanut butter

fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hn1vi/confucius_say_man_who_puts_penis_in_peanut_butter/
%
Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel Prize?

He was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hn1kk/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_a_nobel_prize/
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What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?

A Mechanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hn190/what_do_you_call_an_amish_guy_with_his_hand_up_a/
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In the year 2028, a young Redditor was down on his luck...

... so he headed over to r/Jokes for a laugh. upon arrival he was already confused, as all the posts were just numbers. The top three posts were "28" "658" and "542". The confused Redditor contacted the mods to ask for help navigating the subreddit. "Why are the top posts numbers? Where are the jokes?" he asked. The mod replied "Back in the year 2017 folks were reposting so much we all knew every joke, so we assigned them numbers to conveniently refer to them." This seemed pretty cool to the young Redditor and he wanted to give a try so he posted "69 845". The next day, the Redditor logged on to a full inbox and 50 000 more karma. He messaged the mods to find out why his joke was so popular, to which they replied "They've never heard that one before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hn06j/in_the_year_2028_a_young_redditor_was_down_on_his/
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What got the guitar teacher arrested?

Fingering A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hmvex/what_got_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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Has anyone else ever tried cocaine?

I haven't, I just like like the way it smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hmt9z/has_anyone_else_ever_tried_cocaine/
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A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.
Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hmpoe/a_young_man_robbed_a_bank_wearing_a_suit_made_of/
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Just read a book about Stockholm syndrome

It started off badly,  but by the end I really liked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hmp3m/just_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome/
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If I had a dollar for every year since the beginning of time...

I could buy Whole Foods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hmnnb/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_year_since_the/
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Did you hear about the guy that wanted everyone to think he wasn't alive?

He was really deadicated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hml18/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_wanted_everyone/
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An Amazon executive walks into a Whole Foods

It's his first time there, and he wants to see what all the hype is about.
The executive goes shopping for his normal every day needs, and even picks out a couple extra things that stood out to him for an impulse buy.
The executive goes to the counter to check out, and the clerk rings him up.
The executive, looking at the high price, asks the clerk "this can't be right, can it?"
The clerk checks, then double checks, and even triple checks to make sure everything was rung up properly for his high profile customer.
"I promise you the price is correct sir" the clerk responds.
Looking at the price, the executive can't get over how expensive such a simple grocery trip is.
"Well damn, I might as well buy the whole store at this point!" said the Amazon executive angrily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hmkn1/an_amazon_executive_walks_into_a_whole_foods/
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The last time I was someone's type.

I was donating blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hmb0s/the_last_time_i_was_someones_type/
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A butterfly climbs out of its chrysalis...

...and says, "Oh my god, I'm turning into my mother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hmazr/a_butterfly_climbs_out_of_its_chrysalis/
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I think Putin woke up late today

I saw him Russian to work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hm8bn/i_think_putin_woke_up_late_today/
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She was a princess, He? a prince

She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
All night long, it was
Honor, and Offer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hm7wq/she_was_a_princess_he_a_prince/
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Meat jokes are hard to do..

they're rarely well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hm7ie/meat_jokes_are_hard_to_do/
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Dogs - Cats

Dogs think: "They feed me, they care for me, they must be gods."
Cats think: "They feed me, they care for me, I am a God!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hm5ik/dogs_cats/
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I Call My Girlfriend the Vacuum.

I ask her to blow, but she really sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hm0zu/i_call_my_girlfriend_the_vacuum/
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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island...
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...
"Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?"
"yes" she said "anything!"
"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"
"ok..."
"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"
"wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly.
"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"
She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat.
"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"
"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited...
She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hlz7a/scarlett_johansson_and_some_guy_were_the_only/
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A girl married a man who only had one foot…

The next day, her mother called her and asked, "My dear, what do you think about marriage?"
Her daughter replied, "Oh, it's real splendid, even though he only has one foot!"
Her mom cackled, "You're so lucky! When I married your dad, he only had one inch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hlz78/a_girl_married_a_man_who_only_had_one_foot/
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What's the most fucked up thing of a family gangbang?

The sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hlylp/whats_the_most_fucked_up_thing_of_a_family/
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Phillip fancied

himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.
Phillip threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.
One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.
The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!"
"Shit," sighed Phillip, "there goes my Sundays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hly4p/phillip_fancied/
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Why did the Irishman put 239 beans in a can?

Because if he put one more in there, it would be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hlxk0/why_did_the_irishman_put_239_beans_in_a_can/
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My wife has two problems

:
1. She has nothing to wear
2. Her closet is too full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hlpz6/my_wife_has_two_problems/
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An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.
When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen."
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself, I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished, his colleagues asked what he was doing.
"Well…" he explained, "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin, I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen."
On his way up to the podium, the Irishman thought to himself, I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished, his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
"Well…" he explained, "By imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hlo8m/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are_all/
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A son asks his dad "What does gay mean?"

His dad replies "Gay means happy, son."
"Well then are you gay, dad?"
"No son, I have a wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hlm8p/a_son_asks_his_dad_what_does_gay_mean/
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Today I asked Jane, the hot girl at my gym, what her New Year's resolution was. She said "fuck you"

it's June

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hllyq/today_i_asked_jane_the_hot_girl_at_my_gym_what/
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Don't upset your Postman

He knows where you live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hlk28/dont_upset_your_postman/
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit by a soda?

Luckily, it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hljp0/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_hit_by_a_soda/
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Confucius say, masturbation is very useful;

may come in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hlgkv/confucius_say_masturbation_is_very_useful/
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I bought my toddler a plastic "Iron Throne".

I paid the Fisher-Price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hlcfr/i_bought_my_toddler_a_plastic_iron_throne/
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What is the technical name for Viagra?

Mycoxafloppin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hlcaw/what_is_the_technical_name_for_viagra/
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Poop jokes aren't my favorite...

but they're a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hlbjy/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite/
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How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hl9eu/how_do_you_milk_sheep/
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I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hl8a9/i_am_a_man_trapped_inside_the_body_of_a_woman/
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Today a woman called me "the most sexist man she'd ever met"

When will these dumb broads understand that "sexiest" is spelled with two E's and not one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hl43o/today_a_woman_called_me_the_most_sexist_man_shed/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hkxue/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Larry has broken his leg & his buddy Harry comes over 2 see him.

Harry: How r u doing??
Larry: Fine.
Hey, do me a favor.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!
Harry goes upstairs & sees Larry's hot twin sisters lying on the bed.
Harry: Ur brother sent me up to have sex with you girls..
Twins: Prove it!
Harry (Shouting): Hey Larry.., both of them ??
Larry (Shouting back): Of course! What's d point of fucking one???...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hkwf0/larry_has_broken_his_leg_his_buddy_harry_comes/
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What does Donald Trump and an Atom have in common.

They make up literally everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hkw79/what_does_donald_trump_and_an_atom_have_in_common/
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An armless man walks into a bar..

..which is empty except for the bartender. He orders a drink and when he has been served, asks the bartender if he would mind getting the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliges. Next, the man asks if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender holds the glass until the man finishes his drink.
The man then asks if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender does it and comments that it must be very difficult to have no arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for you.
The man says, ‘Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where’s the toilet?’ The bartender quickly replies, ‘The closest one is in the service station three blocks down the street.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hkubh/an_armless_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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If you are what you eat,

Then I'm fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hktyd/if_you_are_what_you_eat/
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A Vegan who is also gluten intolerant walks up to you. What is the first thing they say to you?

"I crossfit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hkryf/a_vegan_who_is_also_gluten_intolerant_walks_up_to/
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The queen of England farted and quickly looked for someone else to blame.

"Bidwell!" she shouted to a servant, "stop that this instant!"
"Of course, your majesty," he replied.  "Which way did it go?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hkqu4/the_queen_of_england_farted_and_quickly_looked/
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Me: I've started going to Church for answers to life's big questions.

Friend: Like what?
Me: Like if I die and go to Heaven, can I find a bunch of people I don't like and beat the shit out of them?
Friend: Let's stop talking now.
Me: Funny... my Bible study group said the same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hkq6x/me_ive_started_going_to_church_for_answers_to/
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What did Zelda say to Link when he couldn't open a door?

Triforce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hkq4s/what_did_zelda_say_to_link_when_he_couldnt_open_a/
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Me: Do you want something to drink?

Me: We've got this new soda called 'Princess Di.' It's a tribute to Princess Diana
Friend: Got anything else?
Me: Just Mountain Dew.
Friend: So those are my only two options?
Me: It's Dew or Di.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hkoye/me_do_you_want_something_to_drink/
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a clown on a unicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hknk7/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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I was out in the park today, watching an old man feed the birds.

After a while I thought: "I wonder how long he's been dead?"
Milton Jones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hklzd/i_was_out_in_the_park_today_watching_an_old_man/
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My girlfriend caught me

Masturbating to a optical illusion, I screamed "it's not what it looks like!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hkkep/my_girlfriend_caught_me/
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My grandfather was the kind of man who was proud of the fact that his back door was always open.

We think that's why his submarine sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hkkdz/my_grandfather_was_the_kind_of_man_who_was_proud/
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Why didn't the prostitute come into work?

Because work came in her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hkhz0/why_didnt_the_prostitute_come_into_work/
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Why is Jesus less powerful than a locomotive?

Because Jesus could only walk on water but a locomotive runs on steam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hkhhv/why_is_jesus_less_powerful_than_a_locomotive/
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Why do first graders make terrible gardeners?

Because they can't weed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hk7m4/why_do_first_graders_make_terrible_gardeners/
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I ran into Hitler!!!

I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to? He said "This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!"
"Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?"
"See? Nobody cares about zee Jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hk5n2/i_ran_into_hitler/
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A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree.

A caterpillar gets on the Romanian's shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it. Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and ask the Somali: "Do you want to buy a caterpillar?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hk5fd/a_romanian_a_jew_and_a_somali_under_a_tree/
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Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hk5ey/man_walks_into_his_bedroom_with_a_sheep_under_his/
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A mother was getting out of the shower when her young son walked in.

He pointed at the area between her legs and said, "Mommy, what's that?" Embarrassed, she replied, "That's where the Indian hit me with his tomahawk." The young boy replied, "Wow, right in the cunt?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hk5ek/a_mother_was_getting_out_of_the_shower_when_her/
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What's the best way to tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One of them is an elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hk5c5/whats_the_best_way_to_tell_the_difference_between/
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I'm giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn't come out right: I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hk51j/im_giving_up_alcohol_for_a_month/
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A drunk guy at the bar...

A drunk man at a bar throws up all over his shirt.  He says to the guy next to him, "My wife is going to kill me! She told me the next time I come home drunk she's going to divorce me."  The other guy says, "Just show her a $20 bill and tell her that some drunk guy on the bus threw up on you and gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned."
"Excellent idea," says the drunk guy.
As he stumbles to his front door, his wife is standing there with her arms crossed, obviously furious.
"Before you start in," the man says, showing her the money, "on my way home on the bus some drunk guy threw up on my shirt.  He gave me $20 to get my shirt cleaned."
"That's a $50 bill," says the wife.
The man looks at his hand and replies, "He shit in my pants, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hk3x9/a_drunk_guy_at_the_bar/
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What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?

Her legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hk3tq/what_two_things_in_the_air_can_get_a_woman/
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Never try to annoy someone with bird puns.

Because toucan play at that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hk3sm/never_try_to_annoy_someone_with_bird_puns/
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What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hk1cm/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
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What do you call 32 British citizens?

A full set of teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjwud/what_do_you_call_32_british_citizens/
%
TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjwmc/til_that_you_can_get_dishonorably_discharged_from/
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What do you call a sad coffee?

Depresso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjwcu/what_do_you_call_a_sad_coffee/
%
Have you ever heard of Ku Klux Knievel?

I hadn't either until he tried jumping 14 black guys and 6 Mexicans in a steam roller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjwbi/have_you_ever_heard_of_ku_klux_knievel/
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I recently cancelled my expensive gym membership...

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjwa3/i_recently_cancelled_my_expensive_gym_membership/
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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjtm5/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
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When a deaf girl jacks you off

It's technically oral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjsfd/when_a_deaf_girl_jacks_you_off/
%
When my wife and I got married,

we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have sex with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjowk/when_my_wife_and_i_got_married/
%
"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes."

After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjo0h/before_you_judge_a_man_walk_a_mile_in_his_shoes/
%
3 Bulls

There were these 3 bulls. They were the only bulls on a farm with around 40 heifers, so they had their pick of all the females. One day their master's cart left for the market, and they had a conversation.
"I heard from a chicken that Master is buying another bull today, so we need to fuck more heifers."
The second bull says, "Fuck that. I've made more calves than the both of you. I'm not worried."
Just then, their master's cart came up over the hillside, from the market. In it was the most enormous bull that they had ever seen in their life. Twice as tall and 4 times as wide as any one of them.
The third bull, quiet up to this point, begins roaring, snorting, and tamping the ground.
The other two look at him in confusion. One says, "Hey man, what are you doing? He's way bigger than any of us. It's okay to be scared."
The third bull says, "Scared? Naw. I just wanted to make sure he knew I was a bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjmpw/3_bulls/
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What do you call it when Jay Z takes too many drugs?

A Hovadose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjmfb/what_do_you_call_it_when_jay_z_takes_too_many/
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I got on the bus and sat down next to this really sexy Thai chick.

All I could think to myself was "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection." And then she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjktb/i_got_on_the_bus_and_sat_down_next_to_this_really/
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Which knight at king Arthur's table was the most rotund?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjkdx/which_knight_at_king_arthurs_table_was_the_most/
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I've been trying to be less condescending

You *do* know what that means right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjjsd/ive_been_trying_to_be_less_condescending/
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Listen buddy, there's two ways we can redecorate this room:

My way, or the feng shui.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjia6/listen_buddy_theres_two_ways_we_can_redecorate/
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Ever wondered why there's no Congressional Basketball game?

Because Congress can't pass anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjhkd/ever_wondered_why_theres_no_congressional/
%
Why is it more difficult for men to pee when they have an erection?

I don't know. Its just harder i guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjh0c/why_is_it_more_difficult_for_men_to_pee_when_they/
%
Heard Caitlyn Jenner wants to be in a superhero movie.

I think she'll either be an X-Men or Transformers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjfe3/heard_caitlyn_jenner_wants_to_be_in_a_superhero/
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Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am

independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjdf0/turned_18_today_so_i_bought_a_locket_and_put_my/
%
Ray Charles walks into a bar...

and a stool and a table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjbwi/ray_charles_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My son keeps taking our tissues when he masturbates.

Hopefully one day he'll come into his own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hjbcr/my_son_keeps_taking_our_tissues_when_he/
%
My wallet is like an onion..

When I open it, I cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hj4v3/my_wallet_is_like_an_onion/
%
When I was little there were three things I could never get straight

Gay people, and counting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hj45g/when_i_was_little_there_were_three_things_i_could/
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So I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink...

When a buff guy walks in staring down the entire bar. He walks up to me, grabs my drink and downs it. He slams the glass back onto the table so hard I thought it was gonna break . I looked in disbelief and he asks "What are you gonna do about it bitch?"
I start crying from being so intimidated and he says "Stop crying you pussy. I can't stand to see a grown man cry."
"This is the worst day of my life" I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I left my wallet in the taxi I took home. I found my girlfriend in bed with my best friend and my dog attacked me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all. I buy a drink, drop some rat poison in it and wait for it to fully dissolve. Then you show up and down the whole thing anyway."
"Enough about me. How's your day going?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hj1a3/so_i_was_sitting_at_the_bar_staring_at_my_drink/
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A young Iroquois enters the longhouse of the village matriarch

"Grandmother, I've got a bone to pick with you" he exclaims.
"Yes, my son. What do you seek?" inquires the wise, old woman.
"Where do our names come from?"
"When a child comes into our world, I take him from the midwives and raise him towards the sky. I close my eyes and give thanks to the spirits and pray that they guide and protect our new kin. Then I breathe in the sweet air, listen to the running brook, and feel the earth beneath my soles. I step out of the longhouse, and the first sign I behold shall be the child's name. When your father was born I saw a great eagle, and so he was called Soaring-Eagle. When your sister was born I saw a young fawn following it's mother, and so she was called Running-Deer. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Humping?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hiyvf/a_young_iroquois_enters_the_longhouse_of_the/
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My psychiatrist explained why I was depressed

Doctor: I believe you are feeling isolated, lonely, and inadequate because your body is going through extreme hormonal changes. This is very common.
Me: Really? It's made me worried on top of everything else.
Doctor: I can recommend some medication to try and stabilize your hormones, but this is a very normal process that occurs to women experiencing menopause.
Me: But doc, I'm a 23-year-old man.
Doctor: Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't realize that. But I suppose it's also very normal to be depressed if you're a 23-year-old man and you look like a menopausal woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hiyuw/my_psychiatrist_explained_why_i_was_depressed/
%
I added Paul Walker on Xbox...

...But he spends all his time on the dash board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hisq9/i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox/
%
Why do you ask for such a high salary if you don't have any experience?

-Well, it's a lot harder to work if you have no idea what you are doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hijh0/why_do_you_ask_for_such_a_high_salary_if_you_dont/
%
What did the cell say to its sister when she stepped on its foot?

Ouch! My toe, sis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hii2u/what_did_the_cell_say_to_its_sister_when_she/
%
A blonde

goes to a bar and orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman’s breasts and splashes all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her breasts.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her breasts, the man jumps up and starts to lick. She decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, “Jeez, lady… Why do you let the bartender do it and not me?”
“Helloooo!” says the blonde. “Bert has a licker license

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hihr4/a_blonde/
%
A penguin was driving through the desert...

...when his air conditioning stopped working. He pulled into at the nearest town and found the local mechanic.
"Excuse me, sir" said the penguin, as he tapped the mechanic on the shoulder with his flipper, "but my air conditioning is not working. As I'm sure you could imagine, I am very reliant on my air conditioning in the desert. Can you fix it for me?'
"Sure thing, little fella." said the mechanic. "There's an ice cream parlour two blocks down. Go get yourself an ice cream and cool off in their air conditioning, come back in an hour and I'll have you all fixed up."
The penguin enjoyed his ice cream and returned to the mechanic an hour later. He waddled up and the mechanic said to him, "You're all set!"
The penguin asked, "What seemed to be the problem?"
"Oh it looks like you just blew a seal." answered the mechanic.
"Oh no, no," exclaimed the penguin as he frantically wiped his face, "I swear it's just ice cream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hie2z/a_penguin_was_driving_through_the_desert/
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Two blondes decide their house needs new siding

So they go out and buy the materials and return home to do the job. They decide it would be best for the first blonde to work on the front and the second on the back.
After about an hour the first blonde goes to the back to see how it's coming and watches as the other blonde picks up a nail and drive in, then pick up another nail and throws it on the ground and continues this repeatedly.
The first blonde yells "Why are you throwing good nails on the ground?"
The second blonde replies "They are defective! The pointy ends are pointing the wrong way."
"You idiot!" Shouts the first blonde. "Those are for the other side of the house. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hie2q/two_blondes_decide_their_house_needs_new_siding/
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Do you know why Elton John plays the piano?

Because he sucks on the organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hid3k/do_you_know_why_elton_john_plays_the_piano/
%
What do you throw to a drowning politician?

Their running mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hic40/what_do_you_throw_to_a_drowning_politician/
%
I've been in a relationship with a tree for a while now.

She's sappy but I love her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hibi0/ive_been_in_a_relationship_with_a_tree_for_a/
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My PC Died today and my friend offered me to lend me his PS4 while i waited for replacements parts.

........But i was simply unconsolable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hhxh8/my_pc_died_today_and_my_friend_offered_me_to_lend/
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How can Donald Trump stop embarrassing leaks?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hhx6e/how_can_donald_trump_stop_embarrassing_leaks/
%
How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to make the change, but 3 will claim co-authorship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hhwxu/how_many_grad_students_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Why are exclamation points always so emotional?

Because they are always on their period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hhqa6/why_are_exclamation_points_always_so_emotional/
%
A Dog and a Leopard

A man decided to go on a safari. He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, “Oh boy, I’m in deep stuff now.” Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog’s ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Hop on my back, monkey, and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine. “Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “Oh boy, it looks like I’ve really had it now.”
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn’t seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says… “Where is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he’s still not back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hhodz/a_dog_and_a_leopard/
%
Building that wall

The leaders of all the countries of the north and south American continant get together to discuss world problems and see what they can do to improve the world. After a long hard day President Donald Trump decides to go on a walk to think about what has been achieved, he is soon joined by the Prime minister of Canada and the President of Mexico.
As they walk through a wooded glade Trumps foot brushes against a half buried lamp and *proof* out pops a genie.
"Oh kind masters" says the genie "you have freed me from a thousand years of imprisonment, three wishes I shall grant. One to each of you".
He looks at the Canadian Prime minister and asks "What is to be you wish master?" The Canadian prime minister thinks for a moment then says "My country depends a lot on our fishing trade, I would like it so the seas are never empty of fish and that our boats will always have a good catch" the genie bows his head and says "It is done".
The genie then turns to Trump and asks "What is to be your wish master?" Trump takes a minute then says "I have a problem with immigration and other undesirables coming in to my country, that and the courts keep blocking my plans to keep America safe. I want you to build a wall around my country so no one get in and I can keep America safe" the genie bows before Trump and says "It is done"
The genie turns to the President of Mexico and asks "What is to be your wish master?" the Mexican president glaring at Trump says to the genie "Tell me more about Trumps wall?" the genie replies "It is ten miles high, a mile thick, there are no doors and there are no windows" the Mexican president smiles and says to the genie "That's great, can you fill it with water"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hhnro/building_that_wall/
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I got kicked out of a restaurant last night...

This lady sitting next to me started choking, so i got up quick, pulled her pants down and licked her ass, ive never seen the hindlick maneuver performed but i thought how hard could it be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hhnpt/i_got_kicked_out_of_a_restaurant_last_night/
%
Cocaine in school

One of the teachers at my local school for obese children, was fired today. He was fired for doing cocaine before going to work. He was ratted out by his large pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hhne0/cocaine_in_school/
%
A man his wife and a stranger

A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.  The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger. The three start to build a watchtower.  The stranger offers to take first watch.  While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!" The husband yells back, "We're not having sex!" Later, the stranger yells out to them again.  Again, the husband yells back and corrects him.  This happens several times during the stranger's shift. Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower.  His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach. The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hhlu6/a_man_his_wife_and_a_stranger/
%
I used to be really into bestiality, sadomasochism and necrophilia.

But then I realised I was just beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hhjxi/i_used_to_be_really_into_bestiality_sadomasochism/
%
It's an old man's birthday

He's wandering around the nursing home in his birthday hat, blowing his noisemaker, laughing, and loving life.
He sees one of the other residents and walks into his room.
"Hey, Carl! Guess how old I am today!"
Grumpy old Carl doesn't even look up. "No. Go away."
"C'mon, ya old grump, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am today!"
Carl still hasn't looked up. "I don't know, 100."
"Nope, I'm 95! Wheeeee!" And he shuffles off.
He continues down the hall to the next room and sees another resident.
"Hey, Martha! Guess how old I am today!"
Martha squints through her thick glasses and says, "Okay, come closer."
The old man steps up to Martha and Martha reaches her hand down his pajama pants.  She fondles his old balls for about 30 seconds, pulls her hand back out and says, "You're 95."
The old man says, "How in the hell did you know that?"
"I heard you tell Carl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hhh0h/its_an_old_mans_birthday/
%
Johnny's Seven Cats

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hhdyo/johnnys_seven_cats/
%
A man brings a woman he just met at a bar back to his house to have sex.

As things are heating up between them he decides to go down on her. When he gets down there he exclaims "Wow, that's a huge pussy! Wow, that's a huge pussy!"
Naturally, the woman is extremely upset so she slaps him and yells "You didn't have to say it twice!"
To which the man replies "I didn't say it twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hhbhu/a_man_brings_a_woman_he_just_met_at_a_bar_back_to/
%
A programmer's wife tells him to go buy some milk, and, while he's there, to get eggs.

He hasn't come back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hh9xn/a_programmers_wife_tells_him_to_go_buy_some_milk/
%
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hh9f1/a_man_boarded_an_airplane_and_took_his_seat/
%
Tiger Woods took the advice that his grandfather gave him as a child to heart.

He told him, "Tiger, just you concentrate on putting the ball in that hole. Fuck everything else."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hh959/tiger_woods_took_the_advice_that_his_grandfather/
%
Watson: Sherlock, what kind of rock do you think this is?

Sherlock: Sedimentary, my dear Watson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hh57j/watson_sherlock_what_kind_of_rock_do_you_think/
%
Don't spell part backwards

It's a trap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hh4ky/dont_spell_part_backwards/
%
Maria gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born, her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarried,
and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married for the third time.
Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.
At her funeral, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, he looks up to heaven and says:
"At last they are finally together".
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest replies "I mean her legs''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hh4gu/maria_gets_married_and_has_17_children/
%
I might not get many upvotes for this joke about high-yield savings accounts...

But it won't be for lack of interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hh00p/i_might_not_get_many_upvotes_for_this_joke_about/
%
What does broccoli & anal have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hgw6j/what_does_broccoli_anal_have_in_common/
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Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark.

Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?
Me: Since yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hgszz/me_yesterday_my_wife_ran_away_with_my_best_friend/
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May Sound like a Joke to Some

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the table...
"Honey..your favorite breakfast is ready on the table,
i had to leave early to buy grocery...
i will come running back to you, my love.
I love you. ...
He gets surprised and asks his son..,
'what happened last night..?
Son told...,"
when mom pulled you to bed and tried
removing your boots and shirt..
you were dead drunk and you said......
" Hey Lady ! Leave Me Alone...
I M Married !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hgsqo/may_sound_like_a_joke_to_some/
%
I asked a man in a turban why he wasn't fasting

He told me you don't have to fast for Ramadan if you are Sikh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hgr6u/i_asked_a_man_in_a_turban_why_he_wasnt_fasting/
%
Once, there was a man who decided to visit a church to confess all of his sins

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to my girlfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hgoxp/once_there_was_a_man_who_decided_to_visit_a/
%
My girlfriend asked me what she should wear...

"a reverse burka" I told her.    "Whats that?" she asked.    "it's when all you're wearing is a blindfold."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hgoj6/my_girlfriend_asked_me_what_she_should_wear/
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Leader and Technicians.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced the height and saw a woman down on earth.
He went further down and shouted at the woman: "Sorry, can you help me? I had an appointment  with a friend an hour ago, but I do not know where I am!"
The woman replied: "You are in a hot air balloon about 30 feet above sea level at 55o 41 '47" north latitude and 10o 12' 47 "west longitude."
"You must be a technician," said the man. "I am," replied the woman, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "everything you've said is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with the information. And the fact is that I still do not know where I am. Only thing I achieved from your aid, is that I'm even more late."
The woman on earth answered; "You must be a leader."
"I am," replied the man, "but how could you know?"
"It's easy. You do not know where you are or where you are going. You have climbed up with the aid of hot air. You have entered an agreement that you are unable to hold and you expect that people below you must solve your problem. The fact is that you are in the same situation as you were before you caught me, but now it's suddenly my fault!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hgnv5/leader_and_technicians/
%
Communist jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hglse/communist_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Stone and birds...

There was a native American once named 'One Stone' because he was born with
one testicle. He hated his name. He proclaimed if anyone ever called him that again, he would take their life.
One day a young woman named 'Bluebird' forgot and called him '1 stone'. He made love to her until she died from exhaustion.
Years passed an no one called him that again. Until one day 'Yellowbird' returned to the village and let it slip. He made love to her for 5 days and she would not die.
He was perplexed.
When he went to his chief to inquire, the chief replied "Don't be silly. Everyone knows you can't kill two birds with one stone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hghum/stone_and_birds/
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I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.

Never. Again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hgcs7/i_went_on_a_once_in_a_lifetime_holiday/
%
Car Wash

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hg8yw/car_wash/
%
What is the sign for a U-turn in Finland?

"You are approaching the Russian border."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hg7tu/what_is_the_sign_for_a_uturn_in_finland/
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What do you call a lawyer that likes U2?

Pro Bono.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hg3ff/what_do_you_call_a_lawyer_that_likes_u2/
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Trump's Presidency is like climate change

Every day it gets worse and Republicans try to deny it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hg1y1/trumps_presidency_is_like_climate_change/
%
A customs agent stopped Sam, an elderly Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.

In the first suitcase, the agent found over 1 million pounds in £10 notes. "Excuse me, sir" he asked Sam, "where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," Sam began, "I love Israel. For many years I travelled all around the world and stopped off at all of the public toilets in all the major cities; I vent to New York, I vent to London, I vent to Madrid, to Prague, to Paris, everywhere. As soon as I arrived, I vent into all the cubicles where the men were peeing and I say to them, "Give me £10 for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife."
"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?"
"Vell, you know," said Sam, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hg0ul/a_customs_agent_stopped_sam_an_elderly_jewish_man/
%
Why does a surfing tree not drown?

Because it wears Wooden Trunks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hg0ed/why_does_a_surfing_tree_not_drown/
%
It's best to whisper!

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice: "$800 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfzyh/its_best_to_whisper/
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Chewing Gum

Asian guy is having a snack of bread and jam when an American man chuckling chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Asian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
American: “You Asian folks eat the whole bread??”
Asian (in a bad mood): “Of course.”
American: “We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and export them to Asia.” The American has a smirk on his face. The Asia listens in silence.
The American persists: “D’ya eat jelly with the bread??”
Asian : “Of Course.”
American: “We don’t. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and export them to Asia .”
The Asian ( pissed of) then asks: “Do you have sex in America?”
American: “Why of course we do”, the American says with a big smirk.
Asian : And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”
American: “We throw them away, of course.”
Asian : “We don’t. In Asia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and export them to America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfxqd/chewing_gum/
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Posting a joke on Reddit is like going to a bar

Sometimes you get lucky, but most of the time you end up ruining your self esteem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfxif/posting_a_joke_on_reddit_is_like_going_to_a_bar/
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I was trying to think of unemployment jokes...

But none of them work anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfxbc/i_was_trying_to_think_of_unemployment_jokes/
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What did E.T.'s mother say when he got back on the ship?

"Where on Earth were you?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfvcu/what_did_ets_mother_say_when_he_got_back_on_the/
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A Priest is hearing confessions

and as time goes on, he really has to take a dump. As he finishes up with an older woman, he sticks his head out of the booth and motions for the church janitor to come over.
"I really have to use the bathroom, my son, so could you finish up these last few confessions for me?" he asks.
"Me? I don't even know what to do!" the janitor tells the priest.
"Just listen to their confession and give them a few Hail Mary's, based on the severity of the sin. I gotta go" and the priest jets off to the bathroom.
The janitor closes the door behind him and a man comes into the confessional, stating he cheated at poker for the last year. The janitor thinks about it and gives him 5 Hail Marys. It goes on like this for a bit when a nun comes into the confessional.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I've given a blowjob to a man" the nun says, near tears.
Thinking that a blowjob is far more severe than any of the other sins he's heard, the janitor panics. He opens the door and looks around for the priest. Not seeing him, he calls an altar boy over.
"Hey kid, what does the priest give for blowjobs?" he asks.
The kid says plainly "usually a Snickers and a Coke".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfva0/a_priest_is_hearing_confessions/
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A man walks into a bar...

...and has a few drinks.  Upon leaving the man sees a large jar of money sitting at the end of the bar. Curious, he asks the bartender, "What is that large jar of money for?" The bartender replys, "It's a local bet that I have running."
He then explains that if someone can make the bartender's mule laugh they will win the jar of money but, it costs $10 to try.
The man says, "I can make your mule laugh, so I'll take that bet."  With that he tosses $10 into the jar and the bartender tells him to wait out front for him.
After a few minutes the bartender brings the mule around and the man walks up and whispers something in the mules ear. At this point the mule starts laughing hysterically. The bartender is quite surprised, but hands over the large jar of money. The man thanks the bartender, pays for his drinks and leaves.
A few years later the man passes by the bar again. Remembering the bar he stops for a drink. Again there is a large jar of money on the bar. So the man asks, "So what's the bet this time?" The bartender tells him that if he can make the mule cry, he can have the jar of money or pay $10 for failure.
"I'll take that bet!" says the man and he drops his $10 into the jar. "Do you mind if I have just a minute out back with your mule? I promise not to hurt him and will bring him around front in just a few minutes."
The bartender thinks about it for a moment, but agrees and steps out front to wait on the man. A few minutes later, the man brings the old mule around to the front of the bar and it is crying like a widow at a funeral.
The bartender is just about to pay up when he asks, "Last time I didn't ask what you said to make the mule laugh, but this is twice you've beat me and I must know what you said or did to my mule."
The man tells him that the first time he told the old mule his penis was bigger, this time he showed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfmjl/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today..

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfm3d/burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
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What do you call the kid who finally stepped up to his bullies?

An ambulance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfl1f/what_do_you_call_the_kid_who_finally_stepped_up/
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What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?

Usain bolt can finish a race..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfkcw/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_adolf/
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What is a drunk Mexican's favourite book?

Tequila Mockingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfk8l/what_is_a_drunk_mexicans_favourite_book/
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I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,

...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfjsr/i_was_a_little_anxious_when_i_hired_an_assassin/
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Two ways of driving someone crazy;

One is stopping in mid-sentence and

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfiim/two_ways_of_driving_someone_crazy/
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Why did the family have to put-down their dog?

Because he didn't want to be held.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfhp3/why_did_the_family_have_to_putdown_their_dog/
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Titanic should get an Oscar for best porno

in the end everyone got fucked up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfck8/titanic_should_get_an_oscar_for_best_porno/
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Adam & Eve

The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hfa62/adam_eve/
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Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight

Unless it blows?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hf96l/did_you_ever_realize_that_the_colours_on_the_lgbt/
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A guy was just sacked from the local print shop for always aligning their text to the left margin

I think it's justified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hf5pz/a_guy_was_just_sacked_from_the_local_print_shop/
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Did you hear about the Panda at the Philadelphia Zoo who had his meal time changed?

He was bamboo-zled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hf50f/did_you_hear_about_the_panda_at_the_philadelphia/
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How did the accountant solve his constipation problem?

The same way he solves all his problems - he worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hf333/how_did_the_accountant_solve_his_constipation/
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I like watching people run.

Out of the way from the backup camera on my wife's car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hf2p3/i_like_watching_people_run/
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Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kate Dannaher?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"
"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"
He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hexpp/boy_goes_to_confession_and_tells_the_priest_he/
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A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him a top chef of the kingdom. Many apprentices flocked across the world to be his student, but the cook never took any in. Until he came upon one apprentice he was very fond of. This man did everything precisely and worked hard and he finally decided to take him in as his apprentice. On the first day, the apprentice first asked, "what makes your food so tasty and amazing?" The cook merely replied, "A secret ingredient," and said nothing more. After a month of serving many delicious dishes with the cook, the apprentice claims, "It's been almost a month now and you have never let me prepare the final part of the dishes we make; what is the secret that makes ur food so good?" The cook merely replies, "A secret ingredient," and he never brings up the subject for a while. A year has now passed and the apprentice asks again," we have served the kingdom with food and yet you have never told me what the final preparation is nor have you showed it to me; what is it?" The cook merely replies, "A secret ingredient," and the young man gives up. Many decades pass and the cook is now old and ready to die. The apprentice, on his side the whole time, is on his deathbed with the cook. Then with his frail hands, the cook manages to get out a tiny box, open it, and whispers, "It's thyme my friend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hexkf/a_cook_during_medieval_times_is_ordered_to/
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The neighbor’s dog shit in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence…

I don’t see what that solved.
Now we’ve got dog shit in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6heqh6/the_neighbors_dog_shit_in_our_garden_so_my_wife/
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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hem0o/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
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The Seven Dwarves are in bed feeling Happy

Happy got out, so they started feeling Grumpy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hegvp/the_seven_dwarves_are_in_bed_feeling_happy/
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Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral
As in
Without an ion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hedff/sometimes_i_feel_like_a_seal_is_just_a_neutral/
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Two Englishmen crash in the desert...

They begin to trek through the sands trying to find help. After a day and night of walking the two men are dying from thirst and so incredibly hungry when they spot 3 camels crest the nearest dune and head towards them.
One man turns to the other and says, "Thank goodness, we're saved!" and begins to wave.
The second man says "Wait, if they are Muslim they may kill us!"
The first man replies "Don't be daft, why would they do that?"
"Because we're English! Look, just call me Mohammed while we're around them!"
"Fine, but I'm not lying!"
When the riders reach them they call out in greeting and asked the men their names, the first man says "I'm David, thank you so much for finding us! I thought we would die!"
The second man says "My name is Mohammed, thank you for finding us!"
The leader of the 3 riders looks at the first man and says, "Come, we have food and shelter for you." and he is led away by one of the men, he then turns and faces the second man, "Salaam Mohammed, Ramadan mubarak!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6heait/two_englishmen_crash_in_the_desert/
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My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her…

…but I just love him more…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6he8wg/my_wife_has_told_me_she_wants_a_divorce_because/
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Two fish are in a tank

One turns to the other and asks, " how do we drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6he56r/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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What is a 6.9?

A great sex position fucked up by a period!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hdz0r/what_is_a_69/
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I've solved every single mathematical problem!

I have nothing more to add

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hdxpe/ive_solved_every_single_mathematical_problem/
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My Physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential

Then he pushed me off a roof as a class demonstration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hduz2/my_physics_teacher_told_me_i_had_a_lot_of/
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[NSFW] A penis has a sad life...

A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hdsps/nsfw_a_penis_has_a_sad_life/
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A white fairy story starts with "Once upon a time".

A black fairy story starts with "Y'all ain't gonna b'lieve dis shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hds1b/a_white_fairy_story_starts_with_once_upon_a_time/
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Jesus walks into a hotel...

He hands the attendant 3 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hdq2n/jesus_walks_into_a_hotel/
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Zwei Gin Bitte!

During World War 2, two German spies recieved an intensive training in English so they could do their job in London without causing suspicion.
To test their knowledge they enter a pub.
Spies: "Two gins, please!"
Bartender: "Dry?"
Spies (confused): "Nein, zwei!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hdkdw/zwei_gin_bitte/
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Why do so many lesbians have short hair?

They just get really excited about scissors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hdhxa/why_do_so_many_lesbians_have_short_hair/
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A poem about old ladies underwear

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Margarets are green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hdazg/a_poem_about_old_ladies_underwear/
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Roses are red

Violets are violet
This makes no sense
Autistic pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hd9l6/roses_are_red/
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I've decided to put off my gender transition surgery until after I've gotten my linguistics degree

I'm a trans later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hd9cj/ive_decided_to_put_off_my_gender_transition/
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What kind of fish is made out of only two sodium atoms?

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hd8ha/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_out_of_only_two_sodium/
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My girlfriend had an abortion yesterday...

...it really brought out the kid in her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hd3ep/my_girlfriend_had_an_abortion_yesterday/
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My girlfriend asked me for a Hi5 the other night

Ended up giving her HIV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hd3e5/my_girlfriend_asked_me_for_a_hi5_the_other_night/
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What's the sound from the monastery?

There was a little boy who lived in a far away land. Close to the boy's home, there was a tall mountain, always covered in snow at the top. Also at the top of the mountain, there was an ancient monastery where ancient monks lived.
Sometimes, the little boy, as he was riding his tricycle around his yard, would look up at the monastery on the tall mountain and wonder what it was like up there.
One day, when the wind was blowing down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold and the little boy could hear a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.
So, the little boy made a peanut butter sandwich, hopped on his tricycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours and hours, but he finally made it to the top. He bravely pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.
"Hello, Mr. Monk, sir. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"
"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."
Sadly, the little boy got back on his tricycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.
The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was a bit bigger and stronger now and now rode around town on his bicycle.
As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.
So, the bigger boy made a ham and cheese sandwich, hopped on his bicycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.
"Hey, Mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"
"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."
Sadly, the big boy got back on his bicycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.
The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy had grown into a strapping youth now and rode around town on his motorcycle.
As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.
So, the strapping youth grabbed a slice of pizza, hopped on his motorcycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 30 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.
"Yo, Mr. Monk, dude. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"
"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."
Sadly, the strapping youth got back on his motorcycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.
The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was now a young man and often rode around in his new convertible sportscar.
As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.
So, the young man bought a burger at a fast food place, got in his convertible sportscar, and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 20 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.
"Mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"
"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."
Sadly, the young man got back in his convertible sportscar and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.
That night, he thought and thought about the very strange noise and how he just had to know what caused it. So, he resolved to do something about it the next day.
The next day, he got in his convertible sportscar and raced up the mountain, slammed on his brakes, and skidded to a stop right in front of the massive door to the monastery.
He honked the horn of his convertible sportscar until the head monk finally opened the door.
"Alright, Mr. Monk, I want to know what is making that very strange noise coming from you monastery!"
"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."
"Well, then can I become a monk?"
"Why certainly! It is quite easy. You must travel the earth and count the number of blades of grass in every field and the number of grains of sand on every beach. When you return with your answer, then you shall be a monk."
So the young man left the monastery and travelled the earth. For years and years he counted the blades of grass and grains of sand, until one day he had finally finished. He made his way slowly back to the monastery and found the head monk.
"Oh, Mr. Monk, I have travelled the earth these past years, counting the blades of grass and grains of sand. I finally know that there are 123,123,123,123,123 blades of grass in the fields and 123,123,123,123,123 grains of sand on the beaches and I would like to become a monk."
So the man became a monk. At last, he would now be able to find out the source of that very strange noise coming from the monastery.
"Mr. Monk, what is the noise coming from the monastery?" asked the new monk.
The head monk replied, "The source is too complicated to describe in words. I am afraid that you must see it for yourself to truly understand it. This key will show you the answer you seek."
"Take this key to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery. There you will find a long corridor. At the end of the corridor is a door and through the door is the thing that makes the noise."
Well, of course the new monk went immediately to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery and there he did indeed find the long corridor. He walked down the corridor until he could see the door at the end.
Unfortunately, there were three magical fires that never go out blocking the man from the door. He decided to jump the fires to reach the door. The man made sure the key was secure in his hand, took a running charge at the first fire and leapt!
Over the first fire he flew, but he dropped the key. The man leapt back over the fire, ran all the way back down the long corridor, out of the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery and back to the head monk.
"Oh, Mr. Monk! I am so sorry! I went to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery, down the long corridor to the door, but there were magical fires and I dropped the key in the first one as I leapt over it."
"Do not worry, for there is another key and you must overcome tests on your way to enlightenment. The second key, however is far, far away in Canada."
The new monk left the monastery and travelled to Canada. It took many years because he had no money, being a monk and all.
Eventually, he arrived in Canada and managed to track down the key to the door. The monk then had to make the return journey equally as painstakingly, but finally he arrived back at the monastery. Down into the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery he went, until he found the long corridor.
The three magical fires were in front of him as he took a running start.
Over the first fire went the monk, key still in hand!
Over the second fire went the monk, key still- RATS!
He had dropped the key in the second fire. The monk leapt back over the second fire, back over the first fire, back down the long corridor he walked and out of the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery. The monk went back to the head monk.
"Oh, Mr. Monk! I am so sorry! I went to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery, down the long corridor to the door, but there were magical fires and I dropped the key in the second one as I leapt over it."
"Do not worry, for there is one more key and we must all overcome tests on our way to enlightenment. The third key, however is far, far away in Australia."
The monk left the monastery and travelled to Australia. It took many years because he had no money being a monk and all.
Eventually he arrived in Australia and managed to track down the key to the door. The monk then had to make the return journey equally as painstakingly, but finally he arrived back at the monastery. By this time, he was quite an old monk.
Down into the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery he went, until he found the long corridor. The three magical fires were in front of him as he took a running start.
Over the first fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand!
Over the second fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand!
Over the THIRD fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand!
He had made it! He'd made the jumps and here he was standing outside the door with the answer to his question. Finally, finally, after so many, many, many years of wanting to know what was making the strange noise, he would know. The answer lay through the door in front of him and he could at last be at peace with himself.
Slowly, the quite old monk slid the key into the lock. Turning the key a slight 'click' was to be heard as the lock moved back allowing the quite old monk to open the door. He pushed the door open and stepped inside.
Shock and amazement came over him as he finally realized the answer to his question!
"Do you want me to tell you what it was?"
"I'm sorry, I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hd2tu/whats_the_sound_from_the_monastery/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

(gagging and choking noises)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hcykr/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.
A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.
"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.
"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, 'take what you want big boy!', so I took the bike.''
"Good on ye'' says Murphy, ''I'm sure the fuckin knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hcvoh/paddy_and_murphy_come_across_a_girl_whose_bike/
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My dick was in the world record book...

until I got kicked out the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hctiq/my_dick_was_in_the_world_record_book/
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Hey, Magic 8-Ball. Why can't I check my work email?

"Outlook not so good."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hcqqz/hey_magic_8ball_why_cant_i_check_my_work_email/
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A Man Named Joke

Once upon a time in ancient times, there was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.
In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not believe this, and he firmly believed the soul was stored in comets, since they were sent from the heavens down to Earth.
Most would laugh at him, saying, "You are ridiculous to believe that someone's soul would be stored in comets after they pass! You surely can't be serious!"
But Joke kept his belief, and his family stood firmly behind him on it as well, believing it just as much as he did.
When he died, there was a service, and they buried him at night. At the end of his burial, everyone looked up to the stars.
They all whispered quietly, "A new star is born for Joke, who has passed on from us into the heavens."
Everyone said this except for his family.
They whispered in unison to one another, "The real Joke is always in the comets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hcm8g/a_man_named_joke/
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Two olives are on a counter.

One falls to the ground. The one still on the counter, out of genuine concern, yells down, "ARE YOU ALRIGHT?"
The one on the ground rolls over, quickly checks himself and replies,
"OLIVE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hcisy/two_olives_are_on_a_counter/
%
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon...

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hciei/i_just_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon/
%
Girl asks to buy a dildo

Girl: Excuse me… Do you sell dildos?
Worker: No, sorry ma'am you'll have to find another way to go fuck yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hcc53/girl_asks_to_buy_a_dildo/
%
AA meeting: "Hi I'm Chad and I've been sober for forty days"

"Not in a row or anything, just total."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hcb74/aa_meeting_hi_im_chad_and_ive_been_sober_for/
%
I am officially a pussy magnet

Magnets repel too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hcamp/i_am_officially_a_pussy_magnet/
%
Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One looks at the other and said "hey wanna go in and get shit faced?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hc5vv/two_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
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A priest offered a nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hbyw3/a_priest_offered_a_nun_a_lift/
%
When a hairpiece gets possessed by the devil,

There will be hell toupee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hbup6/when_a_hairpiece_gets_possessed_by_the_devil/
%
I like my women like I like my windows...

7, no XP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hbtac/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_windows/
%
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, "I want to sue the airline."

Lawyer: "I see, but you don't have much of a case."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hbfhl/i_showed_the_damaged_remains_of_my_luggage_to_my/
%
I thought condoms stopped you from having children?

I bought my son a pack for his birthday but the fucker's still around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hbf4j/i_thought_condoms_stopped_you_from_having_children/
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Mildred

, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Henry, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hbezf/mildred/
%
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog......

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."
The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hbe7b/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_dog/
%
Undergarments aren't usually very understanding.

But bras are very supportive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hbahl/undergarments_arent_usually_very_understanding/
%
What do you call you dog after you have had him neutered?

It doesn't matter, he isn't going to come anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hb96z/what_do_you_call_you_dog_after_you_have_had_him/
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Man gets excited at his doctors appointment...

The doctor askes why he's excited
The man says he just got diagnosed with daily sex
The doctor said no... It says dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hb94g/man_gets_excited_at_his_doctors_appointment/
%
A black man takes a girl home from a Nightclub

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her and takes her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hb0dn/a_black_man_takes_a_girl_home_from_a_nightclub/
%
Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?

So they don't wake up the sleeping pills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hawgw/why_do_blondes_tiptoe_past_medicine_cabinets/
%
If there was one thing I had learned from Tetris,

Is that my mistakes pile up until the point I cant do anything about them anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6havks/if_there_was_one_thing_i_had_learned_from_tetris/
%
What do you call a dude who only masturbates to sad scenes in movies?

A tear-jerker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hap2p/what_do_you_call_a_dude_who_only_masturbates_to/
%
What did one saggy boob say to the others?

We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6haoa9/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_others/
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They say you can choke on a tea-spoon of water, so I thought I'd test it out...

The water went down fine, but the spoon nearly killed me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ham7e/they_say_you_can_choke_on_a_teaspoon_of_water_so/
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Is Google a he or a she?

A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6halin/is_google_a_he_or_a_she/
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Every "yo mamma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of people.

Kinda like yo mamma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6halfi/every_yo_mamma_joke_has_been_done_thousands_of/
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What did the plant say to the sprinkler?

Stop spraying water everywhere, you're really starting to irrigate me!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hakki/what_did_the_plant_say_to_the_sprinkler/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hai5s/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
I'll never forget what my father said to me the first time I went to prison

"Hello son"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hafup/ill_never_forget_what_my_father_said_to_me_the/
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I'd totally fuck Dracula

You could say I'm... down for the count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hae0x/id_totally_fuck_dracula/
%
Did you know when pigeons have sex they die?

"Really?"
"Well the one I fucked did"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hadm3/did_you_know_when_pigeons_have_sex_they_die/
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There was an 80 year old man in a living in a nursing home

For the past few years, he had been dating a 75 year old lady 3 rooms down from him. Every day she would go to his room, sit next to him, pull out his penis, hold it in her hand as the watched the Price is Right. Being 75, she didn't have enough energy to actually do anything, she just held it in her hand for the entire episode.
A few days months later, she gets up and goes to his room only to find him with another woman from across the hall.
"I don't get it, Harold. I'm 75. She's 92 and can barely even talk! What does she have that I don't?"
"Parkinson's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hablq/there_was_an_80_year_old_man_in_a_living_in_a/
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Two Chinese Guys Break Into a Distillery

The one guy looks to his friend and asks: "Is it whiskey?"
His friend replies: "Yea, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ha8df/two_chinese_guys_break_into_a_distillery/
%
Im taking a sexual harassment course...

I think I'll be really good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ha6ap/im_taking_a_sexual_harassment_course/
%
I was at a bar the other day ..

when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled, "ANYONE KNOWS CPR?"
I yelled back, "I KNOW THE ENTIRE ALPHABET", and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed.
Well, except for this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ha5zq/i_was_at_a_bar_the_other_day/
%
Three Hikers Find a Lamp

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ha4aj/three_hikers_find_a_lamp/
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How Long is a Chinese name.

No really, it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ha3en/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
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I'm really good at blood tests

Every time I take one I get an A+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ha30r/im_really_good_at_blood_tests/
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Racist Jokes (Sorry if I offend you)

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 12 black guys?
**A Basketball Coach**
What do you call a black guy surrounded by six white guys?
**Police Brutality**
(Again, sorry if I offended you. Just trying to make a joke.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ha1up/racist_jokes_sorry_if_i_offend_you/
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What do you call a carousel made specifically for little-people?

a Midget Spinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ha1fz/what_do_you_call_a_carousel_made_specifically_for/
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I got pulled over by the police...

Police: "Turn around"
Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round"
Police: "Turn around"
Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to..."
That's when I got tasered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ha0xs/i_got_pulled_over_by_the_police/
%
Do YOU appear as water droplets?

Are YOU found on grass, leaves, and window ledges in the morning?
If so, you may be dew condensation!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h9z59/do_you_appear_as_water_droplets/
%
I heard a Jeff Sessions joke yesterday

But I can't recall it now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h9y7z/i_heard_a_jeff_sessions_joke_yesterday/
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There once was a girl from Madras, who had a magnificent ass.

Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think.
But was grey, had long ears and ate grass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h9y11/there_once_was_a_girl_from_madras_who_had_a/
%
In my spare time I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h9rys/in_my_spare_time_i_help_blind_children/
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I filled out a job application last week...

... and under disabilities I put narcolepsy and Tourette's syndrome.
So not only will I be able to sleep at work, but if someone tries to wake me up I can tell them to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h9q03/i_filled_out_a_job_application_last_week/
%
Did you know that sandals were invented by a Frenchman?

His name was Philippe Filoppe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h9ox5/did_you_know_that_sandals_were_invented_by_a/
%
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h9n82/i_accidentally_swallowed_a_handful_of_scrabble/
%
Why was the broom late?

It overswept

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h9my5/why_was_the_broom_late/
%
I recently had a tapeworm removed from my intestines...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h9mx5/i_recently_had_a_tapeworm_removed_from_my/
%
How do you stop sausages from curling in the pan?

You take away their little brooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h9j50/how_do_you_stop_sausages_from_curling_in_the_pan/
%
What is fuzzy, has 4 legs and if it fell from a tree it would kill you?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h9djb/what_is_fuzzy_has_4_legs_and_if_it_fell_from_a/
%
People think they're being polite when they sneeze into their sleeves, but really

it' snot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h9cc1/people_think_theyre_being_polite_when_they_sneeze/
%
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h957t/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
%
Some Texans are mingling at a bar when an Oxford graduate walks in.

"Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”
The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h94bv/some_texans_are_mingling_at_a_bar_when_an_oxford/
%
A mushroom walks into a bar...

the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind in here!" the mushroom says, "Why not!? I'm a fun-gi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h92qi/a_mushroom_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Have you heard about the gay midget?

He came out of the cupboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h922u/have_you_heard_about_the_gay_midget/
%
Getting a day off

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h91ng/getting_a_day_off/
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The only B word you should call a woman is beautiful

Because bitches love it when you call them beautiful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h91nb/the_only_b_word_you_should_call_a_woman_is/
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What's the difference between Yogurt and America?

If you leave Yogurt for 200 years, it'll develop a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h90go/whats_the_difference_between_yogurt_and_america/
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A lawyer walks into a doctor’s office with a huge tumor on his face...

Doctor says,  “Why didn’t you come sooner?”
The tumor says, “To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8ybb/a_lawyer_walks_into_a_doctors_office_with_a_huge/
%
Three race horses are sitting round a bar table and discussing their latest wins.

The first horse boasts that he's won 6 of his last 10 races. The second horse immediately puts down his achievement by telling the group he's won 11 of his last 15 races. "That's nothing!" Interrupts the third horse. "I've won 24 of my last 30 races!"
Now the other two have nothing to say to this, as they have obviously been trumped. Just as they are about to concede; that they had not had as many winning races, a greyhound leans into their stall from the table over and says "you horses are all the same, thinking you're so much better than anyone else! I've won 86 of my last 90 races."
The three horses are all speechless for a good few seconds, until the first horse regains himself and exclaims to the group "Holy shit! A talking dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8wah/three_race_horses_are_sitting_round_a_bar_table/
%
What do ghosts drink on special occasions?

Boos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8voc/what_do_ghosts_drink_on_special_occasions/
%
What did Pablo Escobar say to Scooby-Doo and the gang when they finally caught him?

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8u3q/what_did_pablo_escobar_say_to_scoobydoo_and_the/
%
Circus couple looking to adopt a child...

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.
The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.
Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter...... as long as the kid fits in the cannon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8p83/circus_couple_looking_to_adopt_a_child/
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A man is going to the hospital for an operation...

He asks the doctor: "Doc, will I be able to play the piano after my operation?"
The doctor says yes.
He then says:"That's good! I couldn't before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8mdy/a_man_is_going_to_the_hospital_for_an_operation/
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Red called blue. Blue picked up the phone and said "yellow?"

Red replied "you must not have color id"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8lir/red_called_blue_blue_picked_up_the_phone_and_said/
%
What do you call a sad coffee?

A depresso.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8k66/what_do_you_call_a_sad_coffee/
%
Did you hear the one about dementia?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8iv1/did_you_hear_the_one_about_dementia/
%
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.
He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Squadron Leader pilot from Air Force , and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'    The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'  The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a Naval Lieutenant Commander, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.
The third interview was with an Infantryman and a commando qualified Major.
The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'
The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant officer, and he didn't mention my ears.'
He asked, 'Major, how do you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the officer replied, 'It's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f******g ears.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8i62/a_young_army_officer_was_severely_wounded_in_the/
%
Wife caught me masturbating to an optical illusion last night

I told her "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8h19/wife_caught_me_masturbating_to_an_optical/
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My wife told me sex is better on holidays

That wasnt a nice postcard to recieve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8gth/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_holidays/
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My mind is a little cloudy...

...time for some cirrus thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8dbi/my_mind_is_a_little_cloudy/
%
[NSFW]Four robbers break into a bank at midnight.

As they open the vault, there are only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.
"We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave.
The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8bmy/nsfwfour_robbers_break_into_a_bank_at_midnight/
%
A large apartment building is on fire, and people are trapped...

The first firefighters on scene notice that a couple is in a window 10 stories up, frantically waving their arms. They have a baby, and the smoke and fire is getting thick. The firefighters know that their ladder can't reach that high, and desperately try to come up with a plan.
A bystander, seeing this predicament, runs down the block to a house he knows. In this house lives John McCoy, one of the greatest NFL receivers to ever play the game. They run back to the fire, and John positions himself below the building.
The parents throw the baby. As the baby flies through the air, everybody watches. John lines up for the catch. He finds himself flashing back to the Superbowl, when he caught the game winning touchdown. He see's the baby coming, and with one smooth motion he safely catches the baby.
The crowd goes wild, the firefighters applaud, and John, never one to shy from the spotlight, immediately spikes the baby and does a celebratory dance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8ba5/a_large_apartment_building_is_on_fire_and_people/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar.
the bartender asks, "what can I get you?"
The patron responds, "just a fruit punch for me, I'm driving"
The bartender says, "great, but you have to get in line."
The patron stops and looks around only to reply, "I don't see a punchline..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h8ade/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h88jx/an_infinite_amount_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h883x/knock_knock/
%
An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night

and brought it to a table of friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h87sm/an_attractive_woman_took_a_seat_next_to_me_at_a/
%
What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h87eu/whats_brown_and_runny/
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This is my step ladder

I never knew my real ladder...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h871r/this_is_my_step_ladder/
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Write this joke down on paper

Then it won't just be bad, it'll be tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h86qz/write_this_joke_down_on_paper/
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A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo

when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h86og/a_lorry_driver_is_driving_200_penguins_to_london/
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Two bears find a genie

Two male bears are walking through a forest when they encounter a lamp. They rub the lamp and BOOM! A genie appears!
Genie: "You have summoned me, I will grant each of you three wishes."
Bear 1: "I wish that every female bear in this forest was attracted to me!"
Genie: "It is done."
Bear 2: "I wish I had a pair of cool sunglasses."
Genie: "Well... alright. But just remember you only have two more wishes after this."
*A wild pair of sunglasses appear!*
Bear 1: "You know what, fuck this. I wish every female bear in this COUNTRY was attracted to me!"
Genie: "A wise wish indeed. Welcome to the world of being irresistible."
Bear 2: "I wish for a bicycle."
Genie: "A bicycle? Are you sure? You will only have one wish remaining!"
Bear 2: "Yes, I'm sure"
*A wild bicycle appears!*
Bear 1: "Another lame wish, well done. For my final wish, I'm going balls to the wall. I wish every female bear in the WORLD was attracted to me!"
Genie: "Nice wish, every female bear in the world is now fawning all over you. That concludes your three wishes."
Bear 2: (*laughs, puts on sunglasses, gets on bicycle*)
"I wish this bear (*points at Bear 1*) was a faggot."
Genie: (*snaps fingers*) "It is done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h85y6/two_bears_find_a_genie/
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A hillbilly and his wife and kids go out to dinner

The waitress comes around to take their orders, and the hillbilly grabs her ass, pulls her close, and kisses her. The waitress pulls back and shouts, "what are you doing, sir??!!" The hillbilly sits there embarrassed and says, "I thought this was a family restaurant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h84bn/a_hillbilly_and_his_wife_and_kids_go_out_to_dinner/
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Me: We need to stop testing out products on animals

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.
Me: Because we make dildos...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h84bd/me_we_need_to_stop_testing_out_products_on_animals/
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Married men don't have a Lifestyle....

They live according to Wifestyle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h81y8/married_men_dont_have_a_lifestyle/
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Why are ribs so good?

Because you get a better grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h7zym/why_are_ribs_so_good/
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A termite walks into a bar

and he asks, "Where's the bar tender?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h7v48/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..."

The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"
"Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend."
"Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary’s and may the Lord be with you."
The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it."
"Let’s have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench.
"You see Father, I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees."
"I play golf myself and I understand why you used the F-word at that point" the Father said.
"No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree."
"That must have been when you cursed?"
"No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!"
"And that’s when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly.
"No, no.."
The exasperated Priest shouted, "Don’t tell me you missed the fucking putt!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h7u68/a_man_walks_into_confessional_and_says_forgive_me/
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Moral of the story

There was a fly buzzing over a lake. In this lake was a fish. This fish was thinking to himself, "Man, if that fly would come down 6 inches, I could jump up and eat that fly."
Behind a bush near the lake sat a bear. The bear looked at the fish, then at the fly, then back at the fish, and then finally the fly. He thought to himself, "If the fly came down 6 inches, that fish would jump up to eat it and i could catch that fish!".
Little did the bear know, a hunter was lurking in the shadows, and he had his sights set on the bear. He saw the bear watching the fish, and the fish watching the fly. He thought to himself, "Man! If that fly over there came down 6 inches the fish would jump to eat the fly and that bear will try and catch that fish, and Ill be able to shoot me a bear!"
While the hunter kept his sights locked onto the bear, waiting for his moment, a delicious cheese sandwich sat unattended in his lunchbox he so foolishly left open. A mouse has caught onto this delicious sight. He glanced at the hunter to look for an opening, noticing him setting his sights on the bear. He then looked at the fish the bear was staring at and noticed the fly buzzing above the fish. He thought to himself, "Man! If that fly came down 6 inches, that fish would jump up to eat it, the bear would catch the fish, and the hunter would go after the bear! Then I could have this delicious sandwhich.
The mouse, ever so fascinated by such a gourmet meal, had not noticed the cat hiding above him in the tree. The cat crouched down, ready to pounce, watching the mouse watch the hunter, the hunter watching the bear, the bear watching the fish, and the fish watching the fly, and thought to himself, "Man! If that fly came down 6 inches, that fish would jump up to eat it, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would go for the bear, the mouse would try and steal the sandwich, and I can catch me a mouse!"
Well, a few minutes passed, and the fly lowered 6 inches. The fish immediately jumps out of the water and catches the fly. The bear lunges from out behind the bush and tries to grab the fish. BAM! The hunter shoots the bear and runs in to confirm his kill. The mouse sees this and makes a mad dash for the sandwich. The cat crouches down and leaps for the mouse, missing and landing face first into the lake.
Moral of the story?
When a fly comes down 6 inches a pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h7sbk/moral_of_the_story/
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A man walked out of a barbershop and saw a little boy sitting on the curb.

The man watched as the little boy ate three candy bars in a row, only pausing to unwrap the next one.
The man says to the boy "Don't you know eating all that candy that fast is going to give you a belly ache and make your teeth rot out?"
The little boy looked up at the man and said "My grand pappy lived to be 97 years old, and never had a belly ache and never lost a tooth."
The man replied "I bet he didn't eat three candy bars in a row without stopping, though."
The boy said "No sir, he probably didn't, but he minded his own goddamn business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h7prg/a_man_walked_out_of_a_barbershop_and_saw_a_little/
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I like to tell girls I have my own private jet

But I always forget to mention that my mom owns the rest of the jacuzzi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h7g55/i_like_to_tell_girls_i_have_my_own_private_jet/
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Three men in a jungle..

Three men are captured in a jungle by a local tribe. They are taken back to the camp and tied up.
The tribe leader calls for the first man and he is brought to a clearing where all the tribes people are. The leader asks the man:
"Death or Bongo"
The man is a little confused but says Bongo. He is then tied to a big pole and out walks a 7ft gigantic black guy who rapes the man for 10 minutes before he is carried off completely destroyed.
The tribe leader calls for the second man who has witnessed the ordeal. Terrified, he is asked the same question:
"Death or Bongo?"
The man has a family and so reluctantly chooses Bongo. Up steps the enormous black man, who dishes out the same treatment.
The third man is petrified having just seen what happened to the other two. The leader calls him out:
"Death or Bongo?"
There is no way the man is going through that so says:
"Death"
The tribe leader nods and shouts:
"So be it - DEATH BY BONGO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h7cqd/three_men_in_a_jungle/
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his soup before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h78xu/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
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When batman doesn't use his utility belt

Its just a waist of equipment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h74t0/when_batman_doesnt_use_his_utility_belt/
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I always wear a bell around my neck when I'm masturbating when people are home.

So they can hear me coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h74bm/i_always_wear_a_bell_around_my_neck_when_im/
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I was in a porno cinema the other night.

I hadn’t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: “Oh, you’re a beast, you’re despicable!”
So I said to him: “Listen mate, we’re all here together, you’re just as despicable as I am.” But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like “How do you sleep at night?” and “You’re a total disgrace.”
Next thing I knew the manager was standing right beside me, throwing in his two pence worth as well. I remember what he said to the letter. He said: “In 25 years I’ve never seen anything like this.”
So I said: “I know I’m not much to look at but that’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?” But he wasn’t listening, he was just waving his arms saying he was going to “throw me out” and that security was “on its way.”
At that point I just thought “Oh, I don’t need this”.
So I stood up and said: “Fuck it, come on kids we’re leaving.”
(Credit The Joke Cafe - http://thejokecafe.com )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h71xd/i_was_in_a_porno_cinema_the_other_night/
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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to
sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have
a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h71nf/one_night_as_a_couple_lay_down_for_bed_the/
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Why did God create the moon and stars on the eighth day?

After spending a day with Eve, Adam begged God for some space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h714q/why_did_god_create_the_moon_and_stars_on_the/
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When my wife and I watch baseball, we play a game we like to call "kissing baseball." Whenever a pitch is thrown, I kiss her on the strikes

And she kisses me on the balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h6tr6/when_my_wife_and_i_watch_baseball_we_play_a_game/
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If a deaf person is missing a finger...

...do they speak with a lisp?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h6qo6/if_a_deaf_person_is_missing_a_finger/
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How do you make a hormone?

You don't pay her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h6phw/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
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Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h6pb6/son_dad_what_is_an_idiot/
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The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm...

Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h6nrw/the_other_day_i_got_pulled_over_by_a_cop_when_he/
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What's the difference between a mosquito and your mom?

The mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h6ke7/whats_the_difference_between_a_mosquito_and_your/
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A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
(At this point, several of the children giggle.)
I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says,
"I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"
"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h6k3z/a_world_war_ii_pilot_is_reminiscing_before_school/
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A hooker walked up to me....

And said "I'll suck your dick for $20."
I said "Let me see the $20 first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h6iqa/a_hooker_walked_up_to_me/
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I fucked my teacher once...

It's a bit awkward when you're home schooled tho lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h6dgo/i_fucked_my_teacher_once/
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I will never forget my first time with a woman...

I still have the receipt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h6cj5/i_will_never_forget_my_first_time_with_a_woman/
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I’ve no home, I haven’t got control, I can’t see any escape

Way past the time I got a new keyboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h6b26/ive_no_home_i_havent_got_control_i_cant_see_any/
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How do you spot the blind guy at a Nudist Beach?

Well its not hard, really...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h6axm/how_do_you_spot_the_blind_guy_at_a_nudist_beach/
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Woman in a Bath

A woman is laying in her bath, taking her mid-day break. She was relaxing when she heard her doorbell ring. The woman was about to pretend she wasn't there when she heard: "Hey! Anybody home? I'm the blind guy".
"Oh!" she thought. "If he's a blind guy then theres no need to get all dressed then!". She exited the bath and went over to the door to ask what the blind guy wanted.
“Wow,” said the guy waiting there, “you should be on a fitness studio advertisement!  Now, where should I put these blinds?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h6aql/woman_in_a_bath/
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Telling dad jokes will get you...

..father in life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h64yi/telling_dad_jokes_will_get_you/
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My grandfather always voted democrat...

But now that he is dead, he can vote democrat twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h60rs/my_grandfather_always_voted_democrat/
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Three men walk into a bar

. The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever."
The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."
So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.
Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.
He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h5zry/three_men_walk_into_a_bar/
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I hate Russian dolls...

They are so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h5w8b/i_hate_russian_dolls/
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Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h5v2v/female_hormones_in_a_beer/
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An airplane was about to crash...

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best Football player.  Real Madrid and my millions of fans need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's "smartest President" took my schoolbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h5qh5/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash/
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What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h5q2n/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_a_penis_and_a/
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A zoophilic, an arsonist, a necrophiliac and a masochist sit in a cell...

The zoophilic declares: "If there was a cat here, right now, I would fuck it".
The necrophiliac replies: "If there was a cat here, right now, I would fuck it, kill it, then fuck it again".
The arsonist gives his point of view: "If there was a cat here, right now, I would set it on fire, fuck it, kill it, then fuck it again"
And the masochist says: "meow".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h5kti/a_zoophilic_an_arsonist_a_necrophiliac_and_a/
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Why was the Italians cell phone bill so high?

He was always Roman.
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h5k5v/why_was_the_italians_cell_phone_bill_so_high/
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I had an issue writing a joke about DNS

It's resolved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h5jpu/i_had_an_issue_writing_a_joke_about_dns/
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My girlfriend is the best

Whenever I want her to go away I just stop imagining her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h5ekb/my_girlfriend_is_the_best/
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The BDC

A man wants to join the Big Dick Club, and heads down to the club to apply. The receptionist looks at him skeptically and asks him how large his dick is. "18 inches," he replies, proudly. To his surprise, the receptionist begins laughing uncontrollably, and the man leaves in shame. On the way out, he runs into the janitor, who asks him what's wrong. After he explains, he says to the man not to worry.
"See that lump in my sock?" The man nods. "And I'm just the janitor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h57hg/the_bdc/
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I've said it before, and I'll say it again.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h56g3/ive_said_it_before_and_ill_say_it_again/
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I lost my watch at a party...

I lost my watch at a party once. While I was looking for it, I saw a man step on it on the dance floor while harassing a woman at the same time. I immediately went over and punched the man in the face and broke his nose.
"Thank you so much!" the woman said.
"No problem," I said putting my jewelry back on.
"Nobody does that to a woman, not on my watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h52hl/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party/
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How does Sean Connery shave?

CTRL + S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h522r/how_does_sean_connery_shave/
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What's long hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h4yqv/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
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A zen student asked his master, "is it okay to use email?"

"Yes", replied the master, "but no attachments".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h4xus/a_zen_student_asked_his_master_is_it_okay_to_use/
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I bought a new ladder this week...

...it has its ups and downs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h4xgr/i_bought_a_new_ladder_this_week/
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Why does the dog not appreciate being called fat?

Because he's just a little Husky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h4x8k/why_does_the_dog_not_appreciate_being_called_fat/
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What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

Ones a Goodyear and the other's a great year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h4wqs/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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A father's last request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h4w9h/a_fathers_last_request/
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So I said to myself...

"I don't really understand how I got cloned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h4w93/so_i_said_to_myself/
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A man goes to the doctor...

Man: "Doctor, I think I have a problem! I can't stop singing *What's New Pussycat*!
Doctor: "You may have Tom Jones Disease."
Man: "I've never heard of that condition... is it rare?"
Doctor: "It's not unusual."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h4r7t/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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I like my women like I like my apples...

Rotten to the core and easy to smash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h4qbc/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_apples/
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What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h4ll4/what_do_you_get_when_you_throw_a_grenade_into_a/
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My dick was in the Guinness World Record's Book...

...When the librarian caught me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h4d3l/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_world_records_book/
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Sausage puns...

We all know they're the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h48mn/sausage_puns/
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There are two ways to drive others crazy

The first one is to suddenly stop while talking, and second one is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h47tw/there_are_two_ways_to_drive_others_crazy/
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 3 am this morning.

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h44ys/my_neighbour_knocked_on_my_door_at_3_am_this/
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There’s a new sex position called ‘9’

It’s just me..lying there...having no six at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h430j/theres_a_new_sex_position_called_9/
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Why was the Apple Store in Wilmington so afraid of competition?

They were Dell-Aware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h40d6/why_was_the_apple_store_in_wilmington_so_afraid/
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What's the official beer of Starfleet?

Captain's Lager!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h3yq9/whats_the_official_beer_of_starfleet/
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I don't know what Sophophobia is

And I'm too afraid to find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h3way/i_dont_know_what_sophophobia_is/
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How do you tell if your son is gay?

Take the seat off his bike and see if he notices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h3w33/how_do_you_tell_if_your_son_is_gay/
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My friends say one of us is gay.

I really hope it's Todd... he's cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h3vx3/my_friends_say_one_of_us_is_gay/
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How do you pay a midget?

Under the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h3vmq/how_do_you_pay_a_midget/
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What are the two biggest groups of people on reddit?

NonMembers and Reposters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h3rz0/what_are_the_two_biggest_groups_of_people_on/
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I hate those things that pop up out of nowhere when I'm watching porn.

Coworkers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h3qn6/i_hate_those_things_that_pop_up_out_of_nowhere/
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Well, "He who smelt it, dealt it"...

So technically the weed is yours, Officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h3n4d/well_he_who_smelt_it_dealt_it/
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Why do arts graduates like fancy restaurants?

Bigger tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h3lu1/why_do_arts_graduates_like_fancy_restaurants/
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My boss asked me "this is the third time you've been late to work this week... do you know what this means?"

I said
"...it's Wednesday?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h3k0f/my_boss_asked_me_this_is_the_third_time_youve/
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Last night they held a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h3ihu/last_night_they_held_a_seminar_on_how_to_withhold/
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I don't regularly roll a joint, but when I do...

it's usually my ankle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h3h7g/i_dont_regularly_roll_a_joint_but_when_i_do/
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How would you split the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h3cmw/how_would_you_split_the_roman_empire_in_half/
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Penis Van Lesbian

Back in the 50's, a man walked into a Hollywood agent's office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man's name, to which he proudly replied, "Penis Van Lesbian." Taken aback, the agent said, "If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name."
The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, "The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!" "Then I won't be able to represent you." Said the agent. "Then good day to you, sir!" The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.
Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.
The letter said:
Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke
Credit to /u/Arodg25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h3bng/penis_van_lesbian/
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Knock Knock

- Who's there?
Dave
- Dave who?
Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h39iz/knock_knock/
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Woman walks into a bar

A woman walked into a bar. She sat next to a drunken man and ordered a drink. The man looks over to the woman and asks-
"Can I smell your pussy?"
Obviously she disgusted​ly replied.
"No!? You pig!"
"Oh" said the man, "must be your feet then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h38z1/woman_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three turtles go on a picnic ...

It takes them 10 days to get to the spot, because they're turtles. When they arrive and unpack the picnic basket, they realize they've forgotten the bottle opener.
"Go back and get it", the two bigger turtles tell the smaller one.
"No way!" the smaller one says. "You'll eat all the sandwiches while I'm gone."
The two bigger turtles promise they won't, but the smaller turtle is dubious. Finally, they pinkie swear on their mother's grave that they'll wait for him to come back and he heads off.
10 days pass. 20 days pass. 30 days pass and the other two turtles are getting very hungry. After 40 days, they can't wait any longer and pick up the sandwiches and prepare to take a bite.
The little turtle comes out of the bushes and says, "See! That's why I'm not going."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h38u3/three_turtles_go_on_a_picnic/
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Back in 1996, Afghanistan was very different.

You see, the only numerical system that Afghanistan used was the tally mark system. That meant that Afghans only counted things in tally marks. This was quite problematic because many people didn't know how to use tally marks correctly. Many mistakes were made and there was generally a lot of confusion. Chaos ensued quickly. The Afghan government had to do something and fast. What it ended up doing was banning all use of tally marks in the country. And that was the origin of the infamous Tally Ban.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h35r5/back_in_1996_afghanistan_was_very_different/
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What's a cracker's favorite band?

Panic! at Nabisco.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h317d/whats_a_crackers_favorite_band/
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A miner walks into a saloon

NSFW
A miner walks into a saloon after striking it rich, walks over to the barkeep and says " I want your coldest beer, and the meanest, nastiest woman you've got in this place."
The bartender hands him a bottle of cold beer and sends him down the hall. As the miner opens the door he says "I'm looking for the meanest nastiest woman here." A woman replies "you found me" as she flips up her skirt and bends over.
"What makes you think I want to do it like that?" The miner asks.
She says "I don't, but you want to open your beer right?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h2znh/a_miner_walks_into_a_saloon/
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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I need to give these two a lift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h2z47/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
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I don't always tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h2ypg/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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Recently in court I was found guilty of being egotistical

I am appealing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h2ymb/recently_in_court_i_was_found_guilty_of_being/
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My children made me a philosopher

I'm always stopping and asking myself why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h2y83/my_children_made_me_a_philosopher/
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Wise words from a Gravestone

In life... a man needs a woman he can laugh with,
a woman who will cook for him,
a woman who he can enjoys life's adventures with,
and it's super important that these women never meet,
Otherwise you will end up in the ground like me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h2scl/wise_words_from_a_gravestone/
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A patient walks into a doctor's office...

...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.
Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."
The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some asshole's got my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h2lab/a_patient_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
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The man who invented the remote control was confirmed dead today...

They found his body down the back of the sofa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h2jgo/the_man_who_invented_the_remote_control_was/
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h2jex/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_peacefully_like_my/
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How do you weigh a chilli pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h2gx7/how_do_you_weigh_a_chilli_pepper/
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Why is good when a prostitute dies on you

The second hour is free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h2f72/why_is_good_when_a_prostitute_dies_on_you/
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I used to think air was free...

until I bought a bag of chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h2c0r/i_used_to_think_air_was_free/
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life with a daughter

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h2bdc/life_with_a_daughter/
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A limbo dancer walks into a bar

He is ashamed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h2ais/a_limbo_dancer_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a half bull dog half shitzu?

Bullshit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h29oh/what_do_you_call_a_half_bull_dog_half_shitzu/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at this school today?

It's ok now, the kid woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h238v/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_this_school/
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A cowboy walks into a bar and sits down next to a very attractive woman...

He orders a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, the young woman asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, an old couple sits down on the other side of the cowboy. After they've had a pint or two, the husband asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replies, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h230e/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_down_next_to_a/
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How do you seduce a necrophiliac?

I'm dying to figure it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h22uq/how_do_you_seduce_a_necrophiliac/
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I cried when my dad chopped up onions....

Onions was a really good dog :[ I'll miss you buddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h21t8/i_cried_when_my_dad_chopped_up_onions/
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What did the math teacher use to kill himself?

A hypotenuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h21iy/what_did_the_math_teacher_use_to_kill_himself/
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My grandmother told me the doctor found lumps in her breasts...

Then we realized it was just her knee caps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h20z8/my_grandmother_told_me_the_doctor_found_lumps_in/
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The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth...

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as double bassists are pone to do), one of them looked at his watch, “Hey! We need to get back!”
“No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. I’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.”
A few minutes later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her date.
“Well, of course,” said her date. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h1y6t/the_boston_symphony_was_performing_beethovens/
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I went to the doctor and told him....

"doctor, I feel like I'm repeating the same day over and over again"
He told me to stop reading r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h1xvl/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_told_him/
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I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h1w90/i_just_bought_a_thesaurus_and_when_i_got_it_home/
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A village of mathematical functions is slumbering

when suddenly the alarm bells ring:
a rogue differential operator has been sighted.
Fearing for their life, the functions run away or try to hide, but  a brave function stands its ground and confronts the aggressor: I am e to the x, you cannot do anything to me! Go away!
The differential operator calmly replies: but I am d over dt, and proceeds to swallow the poor exponential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h1vr0/a_village_of_mathematical_functions_is_slumbering/
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Two beers sitting in a bar

Full beer turns to the empty one and says, "come on, let's go home. You drivin'?"
"can't" the empty one replies, "Im drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h1vbe/two_beers_sitting_in_a_bar/
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The perfect doctor

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h1v74/the_perfect_doctor/
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"It's dark in here"

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h1uzh/its_dark_in_here/
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How can you tell if your roommates gay?

If his dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h1tyj/how_can_you_tell_if_your_roommates_gay/
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My girlfriend tells me small penises aren't a problem.

Still, I'd prefer she didn't have one at all..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h1pq1/my_girlfriend_tells_me_small_penises_arent_a/
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I have a phobia of elevators. But, don't worry...

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h1n6w/i_have_a_phobia_of_elevators_but_dont_worry/
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Please use William Shatner in a sentence...

"Becky took Williams toy, so William Shatner lunch pail."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h1f0d/please_use_william_shatner_in_a_sentence/
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My girlfriend from Germany

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h1d28/my_girlfriend_from_germany/
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A man is up for murder

and discovers his friend a member of the jury
He asks him with great glee "will you please try and get me sentenced with manslaughter"
His friend decides to take up the request.
The mans day in court comes up and he is sentenced with manslaughter, delighted he turns to his friend ans says "was it difficult to get everyone else to go with manslaughter"
His friend replies "it wasn't easy the rest of them didn't think you were guilty at all"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h19md/a_man_is_up_for_murder/
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Employee: We need to stop testing our products on animals.

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time!
Employee: Yeah, but we make hammers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h15im/employee_we_need_to_stop_testing_our_products_on/
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What condom packs do rednecks buy?

Family-Size.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h13z8/what_condom_packs_do_rednecks_buy/
%
A fireman was working outside the station...

A fireman was working outside the station when a little girl wearing a firefighter's helmet rolled up in a wagon that was decked out like a firetruck, complete with a stepladder hanging from the side and a garden hose coiled up in the middle. Pulling the wagon were a dog and a cat, each tethered by a rope---one rope to the dog's collar, and one rope, strangely, to the cat's tail.
"What a great firetruck!" said the fireman. The girl smiled. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig," the fireman continued, "but I think you could go faster if you tied that rope around your cat's collar instead of his tail."
"You're probably right," said the little girl, "but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h13ij/a_fireman_was_working_outside_the_station/
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I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Because being ugly everyday sorta sucks...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h11mc/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_one_day/
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A deranged fan sneaked into Taylor Swift's dressing room.

She didn't hear him coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h11l9/a_deranged_fan_sneaked_into_taylor_swifts/
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So three guys die and go to heaven...

An angel asks them "How did you guys die?"
The first guy says "I live on the 6th floor of Banana Towers. I came back from work to find my entire house robbed. I searched all over and finally found the guy hanging on for dear life on the balcony railing. I pushed him off, but he landed in the pool, so I threw a cupboard on his face to finish the job. I lost my balance and broke my neck, unfortunately".
The second guy says, " I live on the 7th floor of Banana Towers. I was doing yoga on the balcony, when I slipped and fell off. Fortunately, I managed to hang off the railing of the 6th floor, but some bastard comes along and pushes me off. I landed in the pool,  but the fucker throws a cupboard on my head to finish the job."
The third guy says, "I am a thief. I was robbing a flat on the 6th floor of Banana Towers, when I heard the owner open the front door. Left with no choice, I decided to hide myself in the cupboard, but for some reason the guy throws the cupboard straight off the balcony."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h11km/so_three_guys_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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Midget Discrimination

A midget asks the librarian,”Do you have any books on midget discrimination?” The librarian replies,”Top shelf”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h0zsm/midget_discrimination/
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A mathematician, a physicist, and a statistician all go hunting.

After sitting quietly on a hillside for a few hours, they spot a buck in the field below.
The mathematician measures up his shot and does some rough calculations on bullet drop, then fires. He misses about 5 feet to the left.
The physicist says "you forgot to account for wind!" He lines up his shot, and over-corrects, missing by about 5 feet to the right.
They both look over at the statistician, who proclaims: "We hit him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h0v9u/a_mathematician_a_physicist_and_a_statistician/
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What is Hitler's favourite video game?

Mein Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h0u0v/what_is_hitlers_favourite_video_game/
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A man is driving down the road

and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.....But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h0tp8/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
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I hate people that take drugs..

Especially police and customs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h0qy5/i_hate_people_that_take_drugs/
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Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them...

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h0mf3/two_thai_girls_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_sleep_with/
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I got robbed in a weird way today

I was walking along the street when some dude punched me in the back of the head and stole my wallet. I chased him down into an alley with a dead end, then much to my surprise he stripped completely naked and covered himself in baby oil, I couldn't grab hold of his arm at all. He ran full pelt into me, knocked me over and ran off into the distance with my wallet.
So I took my report to the police and they asked me to give a summary of what happened, so I said
"I got hit by, I got struck by a smooth criminal"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h0l8q/i_got_robbed_in_a_weird_way_today/
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A 6 year old runs up to her mother...

DAUGHTER: Mummy, why don't boys have vaginas?
MOTHER: They have a penis instead.
DAUGHTER: Does Daddy have a penis?
MOTHER: Yeah.
DAUGHTER: What does a penis look like?
The mother thinks for a moment.
MOTHER: It looks a bit like Pinocchio's nose!
The six year old giggles.
DAUGHTER: Does Daddy's penis grow when he lies?
MOTHER: I wish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h0cu0/a_6_year_old_runs_up_to_her_mother/
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I love the TV show with all the different video clips of things going disastrously wrong all the time.

What's it called?
Oh yes, the news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h0bdc/i_love_the_tv_show_with_all_the_different_video/
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So I just walked into a sex shop...

...and I saw a dildo that was described as 9 inches, and realistic.
I said, "Well, which one is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h07wq/so_i_just_walked_into_a_sex_shop/
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Which type of people are the world's fastest readers [DARK HUMOUR]

9/11 victims. They went through more than 50 stories in 10 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6h06ai/which_type_of_people_are_the_worlds_fastest/
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What do you call marijuana overdose?

Blunt-force trauma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzza2/what_do_you_call_marijuana_overdose/
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I got a new car for my wife!

Best trade I ever made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzz0t/i_got_a_new_car_for_my_wife/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzygg/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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Wrong hole

A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming..
She told her lover to stay like robot and not to move.
Husband: What is this?
Wife: This is a robot I bought to have sex with when you are traveling...
Husband: Okay.. Lets have sex now...
Wife: No sweetheart.. Yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you..
After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I will f*ck this robot...
He tried f*cking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way..
"System error
Wrong hole
System error
Wrong hole.."
Husband: Damn robot is not working properly.. I am throwing it out of the window..
The lover realized that he was on the 20th floor he said:
"SOFTWARE UPDATED"
"PLEASE TRY AGAIN"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzyfd/wrong_hole/
%
My Mom Had Memory Loss.

I hope I don't have it, as it runs in the family. You see, my mom had memory loss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzwlu/my_mom_had_memory_loss/
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A detective in Paris is conversing with the hunchback of Notre Dame about a murder committed the previous night

Detective: Well, who do you think did it?
The Hunchback of Notre Dame: I have a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzvx1/a_detective_in_paris_is_conversing_with_the/
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After my wife died I couldn’t look at a woman for twenty years.

But when I got out of prison it was totally worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzvsd/after_my_wife_died_i_couldnt_look_at_a_woman_for/
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I asked my daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She looked at my wife and said "single."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzu6x/i_asked_my_daughter_what_she_wanted_to_be_when/
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The person who invented human cloning has died.

He will be attending his funeral tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzs8n/the_person_who_invented_human_cloning_has_died/
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It took years for Thomas Edison to perfect the light bulb...

But that's because he was working in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzrsh/it_took_years_for_thomas_edison_to_perfect_the/
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Why do chemists call Helium, Curium, and Barium 'the medical elements'?

Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'barium'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzqr2/why_do_chemists_call_helium_curium_and_barium_the/
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An Irish man,a British man and a Scotish man

An Irish man,an English man and a Scotish man were walking in the forest when they pass a clearing with a lake .
At the lake there's a man walking on water the three men are surprised the British man asked "are you Jesus"
To which the man replied yes
The Scottish man then said" if you are Jesus then you could cure my eye I'm blind in one and the vision is fading in the other "
The man claiming to be Jesus but his hands on the Scottish man's head and he was surprised to be able to see for miles.
The British man then asked amazed "lord would you be able to cure my arthritis?" and so his joints were healed.
Lastly Jesus turned to the Irish man who shouted
"get the fuck away from me I'm on disability"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzo1k/an_irish_mana_british_man_and_a_scotish_man/
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Why is it considered spiritual to buy cheap toilet paper?

Because you come to touch with your inner self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzikj/why_is_it_considered_spiritual_to_buy_cheap/
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What sound does a sneezing nut make?

Cashew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzi9d/what_sound_does_a_sneezing_nut_make/
%
I can sympathise with batteries.

I am never included in anything either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzgjm/i_can_sympathise_with_batteries/
%
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you!?"

I thought, "Wow, what a weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gzft4/my_girlfriend_yelled_at_me_today_saying_you/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gz98s/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat_next/
%
Jokes about unemployed people arent funny

They just dont work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gz7ys/jokes_about_unemployed_people_arent_funny/
%
A Guy and his Girlfriend

A guy was taking his girlfriend to prom. Getting ready, he went to a tux rental shop. There was a huge line but he eventually got his tuxedo.
He then went to the florist. Again, there was a huge line, but he got the orchid in the end.
Then he went to the limo rental place, and there was a big line there too! But he eventually managed to rent one.
They got to the prom and danced for a little bit, and then his girlfriend asked for some juice. He went to get it – but there was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gz79b/a_guy_and_his_girlfriend/
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Laziness is a disease....

What, you've never heard of To Rest Syndrome?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gz0k2/laziness_is_a_disease/
%
I tried to give iodine a full electron shell...

...but iodide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gyxsv/i_tried_to_give_iodine_a_full_electron_shell/
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I always thought I was destined for Stardom

But then I realised my mass was below 0.08 solar masses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gytnm/i_always_thought_i_was_destined_for_stardom/
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A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.
“Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals.
We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.
What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.
You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.
We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”
Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!”
General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”
Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!”
General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”
Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!”
General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son!
As the general begins the measurement: “What!
Son, where is your left pinky?”
Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gyr3t/a_british_general_had_sent_some_of_his_men_off_to/
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I was wrongly fired from my job as a stage designer today...

I left without making a scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gyqdu/i_was_wrongly_fired_from_my_job_as_a_stage/
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I come home from work early today to find my son having sex in the kitchen...

"Get upstairs to your room and think about what you've done" I shouted.
I went up ten minutes later to find him having a wank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gypjz/i_come_home_from_work_early_today_to_find_my_son/
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My wife just left me, screaming, "ALL YOU EVER DO IS QUOTE ELVIS PRESLEY LYRICS TO ME!"

I'm all shook up…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gypiu/my_wife_just_left_me_screaming_all_you_ever_do_is/
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Electronics run on smoke...

It leaks out, they stop working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gymyr/electronics_run_on_smoke/
%
What do you call an Australian looking after his grill?

A barbie sitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gymol/what_do_you_call_an_australian_looking_after_his/
%
Why do cellular biologists never agree with mathematicians?

For them, division and multiplication are the same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gymoa/why_do_cellular_biologists_never_agree_with/
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What is it called when shapes play pranks on each other?

Geometrick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gymck/what_is_it_called_when_shapes_play_pranks_on_each/
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The public pool had to be shut down because they found five drowned blondes in the deep end.

Some kid had put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gyljg/the_public_pool_had_to_be_shut_down_because_they/
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Where did Sally go during the school bombing?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gylhy/where_did_sally_go_during_the_school_bombing/
%
A blonde walking along the road one day...

So a blonde was walking along a road one day, next to a field of grass. She looked out, and there in the middle of a field was a another blonde women, sitting in a  small boat, rowing furiously. The blonde on the road yelled out.
"What the hell are you doing?!"
The blonde in the boat yelled back.
"Trying to get this stupid boat to the other side of this weird green lake!"
Frustrated and angry the blonde on the road screamed at the blonde in the boat.
"You know you stupid bitch. You and blondes like you are why people are always making fun of us. I should come out there and kick your ass! Count yourself lucky I don't know how to swim!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gyklj/a_blonde_walking_along_the_road_one_day/
%
In the men bathroom

A man with a cork in his ass gets questioned: "Hey man, why the cork there?"
"Well, you know that genie. I've met him and when he asked me for a wish, I've said: 'No Shit!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gyhj3/in_the_men_bathroom/
%
I saw a sign today that almost made me piss myself.

It said "Toilet Closed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gyh98/i_saw_a_sign_today_that_almost_made_me_piss_myself/
%
One mans trash is another mans treasure

Wonderful saying
Horrible way to find out that you're adopted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gy961/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
Why do Arctic bears dissolve in water?

Because they're polar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gy6yd/why_do_arctic_bears_dissolve_in_water/
%
How are women and bass guitars similar.

It's a good idea to trim your nails before fingering them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxyyw/how_are_women_and_bass_guitars_similar/
%
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxyp7/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxyew/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
%
I got slapped at the club the other day

I went dancing at a local club, hoping to get a little action since it's been a while. I met this gorgeous girl and asked her to dance, a little emboldened by the alcohol. After the first song with her body so close to mine, she leans in and says "You smell good! Whatcha got on?"
I said, "Well, I have a hard-on but I didn't know you could smell it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxy80/i_got_slapped_at_the_club_the_other_day/
%
A Native American Boy Walks into His Family Tipi

The boy looks at his father as he has grown curious in life lately and asks him,
"Dad, why is your name rising sun?"
The boys father looks at him and says,
"Well son, when i was born your grandparents went outside with me and that's the first thing they saw, the rising sun."
The boy seemed satisfied with the response for a moment then again questioned the father.
"Dad, why is grandpa named waxing moon?"
The boy's father looks at him and says,
"Well son, when your grandfather was born his parents took him outside and that's the first thing they saw, a waxing moon. Now tell me, two-dogs-fucking, why have you become so curious?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxv89/a_native_american_boy_walks_into_his_family_tipi/
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How did the mathematician solve his constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxv7n/how_did_the_mathematician_solve_his_constipation/
%
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night

Locals were shouting "pehopile" and other names at me,just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxrcp/went_to_the_pub_with_my_girlfriend_last_night/
%
A blonde crashes a helicopter...

A police officer drives by and exclaims, "What happened!?". She says, "It was getting cold so I turned off the fan".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxmcw/a_blonde_crashes_a_helicopter/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a juggler doing some excellent juggling.  The juggler notices that the four men are towards the back of the crowd and can't see him very well, so he stands on a large wooden crate and calls to them "Can you see me now?"
They answer:
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxhq9/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
A boy says to his mother, "Mom, how come you're white but I'm black?"

"Sweetie, the way I remember that party, you're lucky you don't bark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxga4/a_boy_says_to_his_mother_mom_how_come_youre_white/
%
What do you call a vegan blind date?

A taxi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxftb/what_do_you_call_a_vegan_blind_date/
%
What's a Pirate's favorite letter?

P, without it he's irate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxdrb/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
Anyone can use my lawn mower at any time

Given that they don't leave my yard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxcsb/anyone_can_use_my_lawn_mower_at_any_time/
%
Why can't women get close to the curb when they parallel park?

Because they're constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxcpe/why_cant_women_get_close_to_the_curb_when_they/
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I'm a shape-shifter who masturbates on online chat boards

I come in different forums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gxcid/im_a_shapeshifter_who_masturbates_on_online_chat/
%
When she wants her own way, my wife hides my viagra.

Then I'm putty in her hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gx8e5/when_she_wants_her_own_way_my_wife_hides_my_viagra/
%
Son, you ain't catchin' nothin'

One morning, as the old man is sitting on his porch, sippin' shine and smoking his pipe he sees the young boy from up the road carrying a huge roll of wire, walking down the road.
>Hey, boy! Where you goin with all that wire there?
>This ain't just wire, mister. This here's chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens.
>You damned fool. You can't catch no chickens with chicken wire.
But, the boy carried on. Later that afternoon the boy comes walking back up the road with about 6 chickens all caught up in the chicken wire. The old man thought, 'well I'll be damned.'
The next morning, as the old man is sitting on his porch, sippin' shine ands having a smoke, up the road walks the youngster with a huge roll of tape.
>Hey boy! Where you goin' with all that tape?
>This ain't no regular tape, mister. This here's duct tape. I'm gonna get me some ducks.
>You damned fool. You can't catch ducks with duct tape.
But, the boy carried on. And, later that afternoon, sure enough the boy comes walking back up the road with half a dozen ducks all wound up in the duct tape. And, the old man thought to himself, 'well I'll be damned.'
The next morning, as the old man is sitting on the porch, sippin' shine and having a smoke, up the road walks the boy with a huge bundle of sticks.
>Hey boy! Where you goin with all them sticks?
>This ain't no regular bundle of sticks, mister. This here's pussy willow…
>Hold on, son. Let me get my hat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gx6x0/son_you_aint_catchin_nothin/
%
A sheep a drum and a snake fall down a cliff

Ba-dum-tis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gx4mm/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_down_a_cliff/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, feminists can't change anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gx2yg/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What goes "quick, quick"?

Duck in a hurry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gwzb9/what_goes_quick_quick/
%
I got arrested for spiking a girl's drink at a volleyball game.

I nearly broke my hand and took someone's eye out with the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gws8u/i_got_arrested_for_spiking_a_girls_drink_at_a/
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A man in Moscow decides to take his own life.

He is tired of the constant ambivalence that permeates his daily interactions. He can no longer stand the contemptuous scorn of the plasticized women, the bullying bravado of dishonest men sneering from behind the tinted windows of their Mercedes-Benz.
Exhausted of hope, he walks the narrow sidewalk down the side of the roaring highway toward the Zhivopisny bridge, the tallest in Moscow. Cars honk as they fly by. They hope to startle him, but he doesn't flinch. He trudges on, up the summit of the bridge ... and soon he is completely alone. The noise of the traffic has faded into the roar of the Moskva river below. He feels colder and lonelier than ever. He grabs the railing and shakily positions himself on the narrow concrete ledge.
"WAIT!" A woman's voice cuts through the frosty air. He turns around and is startled to see the street lamp illuminating a young girl, an angelic girl, with pale skin and silky, golden hair twirling around her face like a halo. For an instant his soul is warm again. "Were you going to jump?" She asks, softly, with no judgement in her voice. He nods, balefully, filled with shame, but also with the joy of finally having found another soul to confess his loneliness.
The girl hands him a burlap sack filled with kittens. "Be a dear and take these with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gws2k/a_man_in_moscow_decides_to_take_his_own_life/
%
What do you call a blind German?

A not-see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gwrzu/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
%
What's a vegan's favorite animal?

A high horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gwlpm/whats_a_vegans_favorite_animal/
%
I recently told my blonde friend that my grandfather kicked the bucket the other day.

She asked, "Is his foot okay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gwlop/i_recently_told_my_blonde_friend_that_my/
%
I've just had to take my son's shitty diaper off.

I'm not entirely sure why I tried it on in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gwhpb/ive_just_had_to_take_my_sons_shitty_diaper_off/
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Face is a four letter word.

But preface is a foreword letter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gwgjl/face_is_a_four_letter_word/
%
Watson to Sherlock,What kind of rock is that Sherlock?

It's sedimentary my dear Watson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gwg88/watson_to_sherlockwhat_kind_of_rock_is_that/
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This sub is disappointing me lately.

I'm going to try the meatball next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gwflw/this_sub_is_disappointing_me_lately/
%
Whats the difference between a coyote and a flea?

One howls on the prairie, the other prowls on the hairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gwf9s/whats_the_difference_between_a_coyote_and_a_flea/
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If life gives you melons

You might be dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gwdms/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

Ones really heavy and the others a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gwakm/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.

I broke up with her, though. She was seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gw8ic/i_used_to_date_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
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What do you do if a person thinks that a onion is the only thing that makes them cry...

Throw a coconut in their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gw70x/what_do_you_do_if_a_person_thinks_that_a_onion_is/
%
What does a pimp have in common with a used car salesman?

They both tricked me out of money with a passable tranny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gw6wc/what_does_a_pimp_have_in_common_with_a_used_car/
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Prolax is a new antidepressant...

It's half prozac and half laxatives.
So that you can't help but give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gw5n8/prolax_is_a_new_antidepressant/
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.  It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,  not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ..... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gvyo7/three_women_die_together_in_an_accident_and_go_to/
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In today's economy what do Arts graduates bring to the table?

Your lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gvwuj/in_todays_economy_what_do_arts_graduates_bring_to/
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What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?

A Diction Fairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gvvgl/what_did_peter_pan_call_tinkerbell_when_she/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gvvbk/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
The Genie of the Eighth Hole

A man was golfing alone when he made a hole-in-one on the eighth hole. As he approached the pin a genie rose and said "I am the genie of the eighth hole. I grant one wish to whoever makes it in from the tee." Excited the man exclaimed, "I wish I had a longer johnson", to which the genie agreed, snapped his fingers, and disappeared. As he continued playing the man felt his johnson slowly growing and by the time he reached the 14th hole it was down past his knees and by the eighteenth hole, it was down to his ankles. Struggling to walk the man realized he had made a huge mistake must return to the eighth hole in order to ask the genie to cure him. It took a whole bucket of balls, but finally, the man made another shot from the tee. As he approached the pin the genie rose and said "I am the genie of the eighth hole. I grant one wish to whoever makes it in from the tee." Excited the man responded, "I wish I had longer legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gvuq1/the_genie_of_the_eighth_hole/
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It was really hard overcoming my addiction to the Hokey-Pokey...

But I turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gvuc6/it_was_really_hard_overcoming_my_addiction_to_the/
%
How do Nazis get high?

Heil-lucinogens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gvsj2/how_do_nazis_get_high/
%
An old bum stumbles into a bar...

An old bum stumbles into a bar and saddles up at the bar.  He slaps the bar top and yells to the bartender “Keep!  Get me a shot o’ 20 year-old scotch!”.  The bartender is busy wiping down glasses and casually reaches underneath the bar, grabs the first bottle his hand gets to, pours a shot and sets it in front of the bum.
The bum holds the glass up to the light and swishes the contents around, sniffs the liquid, takes a sip and spits the rest out. “I’m not paying for that.  That’s 6 year-old scotch.  I specifically ordered 20-year old scotch.”
The barkeep pulls the bottle out and sure enough, it was 6 year old scotch.  He reaches further back and pulls out another bottle and pours a new shot.
The bum holds the glass up to the light and swishes the contents around, sniffs the liquid, takes a sip and spits the rest out. “I’m not paying for that.  That’s 12 year-old scotch.  I ordered 20-year old scotch.”
The barkeeper checks this bottle, and sure enough, it’s 12 year old scotch.  So the next bottle he pulls out, he checks to make sure it’s 20 year old scotch.  He pours a shot and sets it down in front of the bum.
The bum holds the glass up to the light, swishes the contents around, sniffs the liquid, takes a sip and says “Ah, that’s 20 year-old scotch.”
After four or five shots, the bum gets up to relieve himself.  While he’s gone, another sot that’s been watching the whole fiasco gets out of booth and sits on the same barstool the bum was sitting at.  He takes the shot glass from the bar, unzips his pants and pees a little in the shot glass, puts it back up on the bar, and returns to his booth.
The bum returns to his bar stool, holds the glass up to the light, swishes the contents around, takes a sip and spews the contents all over the bar.  “Ugh!  That’s piss!!!”
And the drunk in the booth says in a boozy slur “Yeah, now tell me how fucking old I am.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gvp8n/an_old_bum_stumbles_into_a_bar/
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The XBox One X is Microsoft's new console

The short of that is XBOX, they've now come full circle, or 360.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gvlyh/the_xbox_one_x_is_microsofts_new_console/
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I masturbated for the first time in a month and my ejaculation hit the ceiling.

Which is crazy, considering I was in a church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gvlh6/i_masturbated_for_the_first_time_in_a_month_and/
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Where does a rodent gets his dope?

Hamsterdam 😂
Be gentle, my first one here on reddit;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gvkxd/where_does_a_rodent_gets_his_dope/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Ask someone else. I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gvdf2/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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[OC] Ever since drugs, I've started seeing things...

They may be illegal, but at least they cured my blindness!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gvah8/oc_ever_since_drugs_ive_started_seeing_things/
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I've got a map of Italy tattooed on my chest

I've got really sore Naples though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gv9rm/ive_got_a_map_of_italy_tattooed_on_my_chest/
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Superman uses his X-ray vision and sees Wonder Woman nude with her legs in the air

She's moaning and her hands sometimes--comfort her.  Superman enjoys the view and, well,--comforts himself.  He's ready to finish but figures  he'll finish in Wonder Woman.  He's faster than a speeding bullet, he's an alien so he can't impregnate her, and it's better to feel the sensation in a woman rather than a hand.  So he speeds into Wonder Woman's room, gives a handful of pumps, and flies out before Wonder Woman is the wiser.  Or so he thinks.
Wonder Woman asks loudly--"Did you feel that gust of wind?"
Invisible Man says, "Yeah, it made my ass hurt and my legs are soaked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gv828/superman_uses_his_xray_vision_and_sees_wonder/
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2016 Presidential Election

Me: I don't like Trump.
Everyone: So you support a liar like Hillary? She should be in jail!
Me: I don't like Hillary.
Everyone: So you support a racist like Trump?! He doesn't stand for American values!
Me: I don't like either.
Everyone: So you're going to waste your vote on third party!? They're never going to win!!
Me: So... there's no point in voting.
Everyone: ITS YOUR DUTY TO VOTE AS AN AMERICAN! YOU CAN'T JUST NOT VOTE.
Literally this past election.
Sorry this post is late but I was talking with my friend about the election and I hadn't been with r/Jokes during the election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gv734/2016_presidential_election/
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Tractors

For a long time now, I've had an obsession with tractors. When I was little, all I asked for for my birthday was tractor related stuff. I had tractor toys, tractor stationary, tractor bags.
When I was 17, my parents bought me my very first tractor. It was a bit rusty, but I was just elated to have my own tractor. Then, when I was 20, the tractor had got a bit old, so I was bought a new tractor. The latest model. A shiny, red, beautiful tractor.
Then, for my 21st birthday, I asked for a pencil case. Not a tractor themed pencil case, just a pencil case. So there I was, walking down the street, pencil case in hand, when I saw a burning building. I ran up to it, and the firemen were trying their best to put out the fire, but they couldn't.
So I ran inside, and just inhaled. All of the smoke went into my lungs, and then I came out of the building. The fireman asked 'How did you do that??'
I replied, 'I'm an ex-tractor fan'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gv5iq/tractors/
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How are a woman and a tornado similar?

They start off sucking and blowing but then in the end you lose your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gv51f/how_are_a_woman_and_a_tornado_similar/
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What's Stephen Hawking's least favorite kind of comedy?

Standup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6guyfq/whats_stephen_hawkings_least_favorite_kind_of/
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Memories

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She¹s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, he¹s getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6guxyv/memories/
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How can you tell when a black woman is pregnant?

When she pulls out her tampon all the cotton is picked off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6guvi4/how_can_you_tell_when_a_black_woman_is_pregnant/
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Today I got fired from my job as a suicide hotline operator...

Apparently reverse psychology wasn't a good method...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6guvgx/today_i_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_suicide/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

[Choking Noises]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6guv5h/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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I always wanted to keep a fly as a pet.

But that idea quickly went out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gurxj/i_always_wanted_to_keep_a_fly_as_a_pet/
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My English teacher had part of his intestines removed

Now all he ever talks about is his semicolon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gup08/my_english_teacher_had_part_of_his_intestines/
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What did oil say to water?

You dense motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6guor6/what_did_oil_say_to_water/
%
A guy standing in a bus looked at a girl, she looked back

Then he smiled... She smiled back
He winked... She winked back
He gave her a sign to leave on the next stop
She got up and exited the bus. He took her seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gunu6/a_guy_standing_in_a_bus_looked_at_a_girl_she/
%
A dung beatle walks into a bar.

Is this stool taken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gukw8/a_dung_beatle_walks_into_a_bar/
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A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government...

...so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gugzp/a_teacher_was_teaching_her_second_grade_class/
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What do you call a group of soldiers that wakes you up?

An alarmy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gucrs/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_soldiers_that_wakes/
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A Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

And he was registered as a sex offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gu8y1/a_dyslexic_man_walks_into_a_bra/
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I didn't want to die alone...

So I became a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gu8kv/i_didnt_want_to_die_alone/
%
I saw a Pepsi getting run over today

It was soda- pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gu7d4/i_saw_a_pepsi_getting_run_over_today/
%
A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, “I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, “You’ll need more ammo”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gu5bg/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did everyone think about the mobster's funeral?

It was a hit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gu4j1/what_did_everyone_think_about_the_mobsters_funeral/
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Some guys at my school got caught trying autoerotic asphyxiation

One got suspended, the others got off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gu15k/some_guys_at_my_school_got_caught_trying/
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Did you hear that one about Alzheimers?

Damn, I can't remember the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gtz4y/did_you_hear_that_one_about_alzheimers/
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I lost everything in my marriage.

In the divorce, I lost half of what was left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gtwii/i_lost_everything_in_my_marriage/
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So the boy said "Grandpa"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gtu6c/so_the_boy_said_grandpa/
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Girlfriend caught me having sex last night

I'm surprised she woke up, next time I'll use more chloroform.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gtsv0/girlfriend_caught_me_having_sex_last_night/
%
I was just fired for making an incorrect sandwich

Whoops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gtsrk/i_was_just_fired_for_making_an_incorrect_sandwich/
%
A musician had nothing to do so he decided to go have a drink, but the door was locked.

The bar door barred the bored bard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gtq3v/a_musician_had_nothing_to_do_so_he_decided_to_go/
%
Did you hear about ISIS' most recent movie?

It was perfectly executed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gtps3/did_you_hear_about_isis_most_recent_movie/
%
A man to his priest...

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”
The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gtn40/a_man_to_his_priest/
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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it...

It's still fowl language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gth9q/if_your_phone_auto_corrects_fuck_to_duck_its_okay/
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TIL that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic.

They are most likely to be dead instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gtfai/til_that_unvaccinated_children_are_less_likely_to/
%
My grandmother is 80 and still doesn't need glasses

She drinks out of the bottle...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gteww/my_grandmother_is_80_and_still_doesnt_need_glasses/
%
Arguing with your Lady is like reading "Terms and Conditions of Use"

In the end You just give up understanding, and say:  "I Agree"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gt86s/arguing_with_your_lady_is_like_reading_terms_and/
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We're selling assholes!

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gt748/were_selling_assholes/
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I finally worked up the courage to tell my parents...

They're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gt3q7/i_finally_worked_up_the_courage_to_tell_my_parents/
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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do...

We shoot each other in school because we have class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gt0eg/white_people_dont_shoot_each_other_in_the_streets/
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I prefer cheap brothels.

They provide the most bang for your buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsxo8/i_prefer_cheap_brothels/
%
Cheese doesn't go bad

It just gets more expensive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsuug/cheese_doesnt_go_bad/
%
Whats red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsu0i/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
Thanks to John Deere

Black lives haven't mattered for a long time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gst7e/thanks_to_john_deere/
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A blind guy in a bar

Shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsqcg/a_blind_guy_in_a_bar/
%
The word is: perpetuate

The question is: How do they charge you at a vietnamese deli?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsp3x/the_word_is_perpetuate/
%
Two Australian birds burped in my face.

It didn't emus me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsnao/two_australian_birds_burped_in_my_face/
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A man is severely depressed.

Joke:
His wife left him, took the kids and due to all the stress and pressure in his personal life, his work performance took a dive and he was fired. Without a job, he lost his home, his possessions and whatever was left of his dignity and hope. He decided to end his miserable life.
Suicide was the only thing he had left.
That evening he began walking through town toward the highest bridge to jump from when he came upon a little pet shop. He looked through the big glass window and saw a litter of cute little puppies. For the first time in what seemed like forever, he felt a spark of happiness shine inside is poor soul.
The man walked inside and the shop keeper greeted him. "What can I do for you today?" "Well," the man said, "I'm severely depressed and I want to end my life. I was about to commit suicide when I saw those puppies in the window and I thought maybe having something to take care of would give me purpose in my life." The shop keeper agreed, "We have many adorable puppies to choose from, what breed would you like?" The man thought about his options for a moment and said "Well, now I'm not so sure. I no longer have income, or a home, so perhaps a dog is too much of a responsibility right now. What else do you have?"
"Hmm." thought the shop keeper. "How about a cat? You don't have to walk them, and you can also keep a cat outdoors. How about that?" "That is true, but a cat still needs food and water, and to be shown some level of affection. I don't think I can do all of that, I'm still suicidal after all! What if I still kill myself! The poor cat, left all alone."
"This is hopeless" the man said. "Never mind, I think I'm going to the bridge now. I'm pretty sure I want to just die." and the man began walking out the door.
"Wait!" shouted the shop keeper, "How about this? A little turtle. Hardly any care needed." The man, already teetering on live vs. death, can't make up his mind about this either. "I don't know. What do I really want, even? To live? To die? I don't know."
"Okay, I have the perfect pet. A single bee. You don't have to do anything. It takes care of itself."
The man took notice of this idea and thought about it for a minute.
"Interesting." he said. "A single bee. I think I can handle that."
The shop keeper agreed and thought it was perfect and he began ringing up the sale of a single bee.
"Buuuut..." the man interjected, "What if the bee gets lonely? Everyone needs someone. Just like I need my wife, and my kids...oh lord. My family. My god. I've lost them all. A single bee? How pathetic! I really have nothing left to live for. Maybe I really do want to die!"
"Wait! How about this! Get TWO bees! It's perfect!" the shop keeper exclaimed.
The man, with a great decision on his mind, began weighing his options out loud; "Two bees? Is that what I want? Or just one bee? Do I really want to live? Or do I want to die? What should I do?"
The shop keeper, totally fed up with this guy and just wanting the sale yells;
"JESUS CHRIST MAN, TWO BEE OR NOT TWO BEE, THAT'S THE QUESTION!"
Sub-joke:
I made this up at the bar last night and my wife hated it and now thinks less of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsn1s/a_man_is_severely_depressed/
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Why do riot police always go to work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsmeu/why_do_riot_police_always_go_to_work_early/
%
“Wonder Woman” earned $300 million worldwide in first week.

"Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsjvg/wonder_woman_earned_300_million_worldwide_in/
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I went into the Apple store to get a new MacBook for my wife.

Bastards wouldn't do the deal, and said they prefered cash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsia2/i_went_into_the_apple_store_to_get_a_new_macbook/
%
It recently came out that ISIS was developing a bomb disguised as a laptop battery to take on airplanes

They must have been taking Notes from Samsung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsi93/it_recently_came_out_that_isis_was_developing_a/
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Ling and Ving...

When I was in high school two exchange students from china came over to study at my school, their names were Ling and Ving. I had several classes with the two and I became quite good friends with them, especially Ving. One day, Ving opened up to me and admitted how dissatisfied he was with his name as he felt it wasn't a very good Chinese name and how he felt that the name Lee would be much more appropriate. I have nothing but sympathy for him and suggest that the three of us should go down to the town hall and simply request a legal name change. We all head down to the town hall and arrive at the front desk where a secretary is sitting, we go up and ask for a name change form and she happily gives it to us. As he's filling out the form Ving breaks down in tears, he says his father would disapprove of Ving changing his name to Lee because Ving is a name that has been in their family for generations. Ling and I want to show nothing but support for Ving so we go back to the front desk with the half filled out form and we try to give it back. The secretary immediately declines the form and states that there is a fee to cancel a name change form. Neither Ving or I have money on us to cover the cancellation cost so Ling reaches into her purse and pulls out the required amount. Just as she's about the hand the money over to the secretary Ling and Ving's father bursts through the door and yells: "DON'T, STOP! Be Lee Ving! Hold on to that fee Ling!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsg8d/ling_and_ving/
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What do you call a blonde with Brains?

A golden retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsf8o/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_brains/
%
I recently took up meditation…..

It beats sitting around doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsf69/i_recently_took_up_meditation/
%
Instead of the 'John', I call my toilet...

Instead of the 'John', I call my toilet the 'Jim'. That way it sounds more impressive when I say, "I go to the Jim first thing every morning".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gsds2/instead_of_the_john_i_call_my_toilet/
%
How can you tell a strip club is not open?

The sign says, "Sorry, we're clothed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gscx5/how_can_you_tell_a_strip_club_is_not_open/
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I look more like my mother than my father.

He doesn't look like her at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gs6vy/i_look_more_like_my_mother_than_my_father/
%
Today I stopped drinking for good

Now I drink for evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gs5hu/today_i_stopped_drinking_for_good/
%
Don't make fun of people who stammer

They're just going through a phrase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gs27t/dont_make_fun_of_people_who_stammer/
%
What do you call a greek goddess with no aim?

Artemiss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6grnhh/what_do_you_call_a_greek_goddess_with_no_aim/
%
I told a girl I'm a binary programmer with a multi million salary the other day

And pulled out the stacks of 64 dollars to prove it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6grmmy/i_told_a_girl_im_a_binary_programmer_with_a_multi/
%
My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6grids/my_childhood_crush_and_i_are_finally_getting/
%
I lost my job as a waiter when I served one of the customers his food.

On the downside, I got chicken all over my tennis racket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gri3d/i_lost_my_job_as_a_waiter_when_i_served_one_of/
%
A teacher asks her student why he brought his cat to school.

The student says "My dad told my mom he was going to eat her pussy after he came home from work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6grdsa/a_teacher_asks_her_student_why_he_brought_his_cat/
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My wife berated me last night about my conversational skills...

"Have you even listened to anything I said??" is a very odd start to a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6grd1w/my_wife_berated_me_last_night_about_my/
%
I shit myself every time I have to go to the hospital.

I wasn't cut out to be a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gran4/i_shit_myself_every_time_i_have_to_go_to_the/
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Did you know that this week is National Diarrhea Week?

It runs from today until the end Friday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6grady/did_you_know_that_this_week_is_national_diarrhea/
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What do you get when you insert human DNA in a goat?

Banned from the petting zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gra4p/what_do_you_get_when_you_insert_human_dna_in_a/
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A teacher speaks to his straight-F pupil

"With grades like this you'll never achieve anything in your life. You'll end up a loser"
Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and aggrees to save him for free.
After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room.
He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gr3jd/a_teacher_speaks_to_his_straightf_pupil/
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There was a special forces competition...

And USA, Russia and China got into the finals.
For the finals, the question was this:
Go into the forest, and find the rabbit.
So the Russians went first.
They brought with them 100 of their finest and searched the whole forest, inch by inch they looked for traces of the rabbit. They looked for 6 hours straight and found nothing.
The USA team said: you guys need better tech.
So they sent 10 of their finest into the forest, equipped with the state of the art recon equipment. Satellite imagery, night vision, thermal vision, drones, etc... and for 6 hours they searched, but found nothing as well.
The china team said: You only need a baseball bat.
So one of their agents took a baseball bat and entered the forest.
After 30 minutes, the agent walked out with a bear screaming: OKOK Stop beating me, I'll tell them I'm a fucking rabbit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gqy4y/there_was_a_special_forces_competition/
%
I was watching a tv show about the worlds best ceiling...

And I realised that mine wasn't the best, but it was definitely up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gqs6d/i_was_watching_a_tv_show_about_the_worlds_best/
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Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet

Because I lost my car in poker last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gqs2x/gambling_has_really_helped_me_get_back_on_my_feet/
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Why couldn't the old bike stay upright?

It was *two-tired.*
An oldy, but a goody, I hope you can *handle* it.
Changing *gears*, I *spoke* at a fancy unicycle conference and you know what's different there? *Attire.*
I'm just *pedaling* for upvotes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gqo84/why_couldnt_the_old_bike_stay_upright/
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Some people say that Nintendo has no 3rd party games...

They have obviously never heard of Mario Party 3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gqjl4/some_people_say_that_nintendo_has_no_3rd_party/
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Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest?

Because it would be economically unsound to attempt to establish a pharmaceutical distribution network in such a sparsely populated area

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gqja4/why_dont_they_sell_aspirin_in_the_rainforest/
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Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

They're that good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gqj6d/why_dont_you_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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Cant work for my boss anymore

Me: I cant work for my boss anymore after what he told me yesterday.
Friend: What did he say?
Me: " You're fired "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gqirq/cant_work_for_my_boss_anymore/
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Who is leading China?

An old joke but a good one.
Hu Jintao was elected as the President of China.
SCENE: The Oval Office. George Bush and Condolezza Rice.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Let's hear it.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu。
George: The Chinese?
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' ask me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes sir.
George: Yassir? You mean Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. I bet he knows.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. and then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: Call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: and stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N!
Condi: Kofi?
George: All right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. and a couple of egg rolls, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gqidn/who_is_leading_china/
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Why couldn't Rembrandt afford more paint?

He was Baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gqhkx/why_couldnt_rembrandt_afford_more_paint/
%
Sex while camping

Its fucking in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gqd6p/sex_while_camping/
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A punchline walks into a bar...

The bartender looks at it and says "This is /r/jokes we don't accept your kind here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gqbnk/a_punchline_walks_into_a_bar/
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All in a night’s work

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gqakv/all_in_a_nights_work/
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How do you organize an outer space party?

You planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gqa6z/how_do_you_organize_an_outer_space_party/
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Necrophilia use to be cool

But now it's fucking dead, people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gq8gd/necrophilia_use_to_be_cool/
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There's 30 sexual predators that live near me

So why do we always have to meet at my place?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gq8by/theres_30_sexual_predators_that_live_near_me/
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How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN! YOU WEREN'T THERE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gq3ef/how_many_vietnam_vets_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.
Blondes may be dumb but they still know how to use their husband~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gpzu1/how_many_blondes_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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So there's a guy born without a body...

He was born as  a head, nothing else. The doctors said he would never live, but somehow, he did. He had  a rough childhood, but he learned to get around, rolling where he needed to, putting up with the teasing and looks. He just tried to fit in as best he could.
By the time he's in high school, everyone knows him, and just calls him "Head". He still has a little trouble fitting in, but everyone likes him. He goes to the school Halloween party as a soccer ball, everyone loves it.
So one day, he's rolling his way to class, and sees  a poster for prom coming up. There's a girl in his next class, Jessica, who he would desperately love to ask out for prom, but without a body, he can't dance. He's torn up about it for a week, and finally decides to just do it, and ask her.
"Oh, hey Jessica!"
"Hey, Head!"
"So, I was wondering if uh, you'd like to go to prom with me next week"
"Oh, uh..."
(Head doesn't know that Jessica was already going to prom with some other guy, but Jessica is too nice to say no, so she comes up with a better answer;)
"Sure, Head, I'll go to prom with you on *one* condition; You have to turn yourself into a 10lb tomato."
Head is just crushed. If he only knew how to make himself into a 10lb tomato, he'd go to prom with the girl of his dreams. He spends all week thinking about what to do, and then he remembers his soccer ball costume. Two days before prom, he paints himself bright red and dyes his hair green.
The next day of school, everyone is looking at the disembodied head painted like a tomato a little weirder than usual. Jessica comes up to him and asks "Oh my God! Head! What did you do??"
"Well, Jessica, I turned myself into a 10lb tomato just like you asked! So, we're still on for prom, right?"
Jessica realized how serious he is, and still doesn't want to say no.
"Oh Head, I meant a *real* tomato, silly!"
Head is even more crushed than before. Prom is the next night, and he needs to become a *real* tomato somehow. So that night, he eats all the tomatoes in the house, and goes to sleep with the tomato plants in his mom's garden. He prays until he falls asleep, "Oh god, oh god oh god, won't you make me a *real* tomato?"
The next morning he wakes up, and lo and behold, he's a real tomato! He skips school that day, too excited, and gets himself all ready for prom that night. A few hours before the dance, he rolls himself over to Jessica's house, and tried to knock on the door. Jessica comes out, and looks at the massive tomato kinda funny.
"Hey Jessica! I turned myself into a real tomato just like you asked! We're still on for prom, right?"
Jessica's date pulls up at that very second, and she realizes there's no good way out of it. So she looks at Head, and she looks at her date, and all around her to see if anyone else is watching.
And then she squishes Head, scraps him into the bushes, and goes to have a very nice Prom with her date.
^^^^^.
The moral of the story: *Quit while you're a head*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gpxuf/so_theres_a_guy_born_without_a_body/
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Whaddya call ophthalmologist porn?

Rods and Cones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gpmvq/whaddya_call_ophthalmologist_porn/
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan?

You take away their brooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gplfi/how_do_you_stop_canadian_bacon_from_curling_in/
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On the first night my girlfriend and I stayed togather overnight, we made a deal that whoever woke up first had to surprise the other with oral.

I dont understand why she was so pissed when she woke up with my Dick in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gpho7/on_the_first_night_my_girlfriend_and_i_stayed/
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When you've seen one shopping center . . .

you've seen a mall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gpg2f/when_youve_seen_one_shopping_center/
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Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gpfrk/teacher_why_are_you_late/
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Medical question?

My dad said he is going in for a hip replacement........is he having surgery or am I getting a cool new dad?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gpf3y/medical_question/
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What's the difference between a lawyer​ and a catfish?

One's a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other's a fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gpejl/whats_the_difference_between_a_lawyer_and_a/
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My Father always said his children are his treasures.

When he buried Debbie in the backyard it took a dark twist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gpdqt/my_father_always_said_his_children_are_his/
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Just realized I'm bi-sexual

I have to pay to get sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gpbx6/just_realized_im_bisexual/
%
I used to date a hot 95 pound gymnast with ADD

I just realized she may be the best fidget spinner I'll ever get to play with...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gpblp/i_used_to_date_a_hot_95_pound_gymnast_with_add/
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What did the gangster say when a bunch of houses fell on him

"Get off me homes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gpa7g/what_did_the_gangster_say_when_a_bunch_of_houses/
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Wheres the safest to be after a murder?

A casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gp7b7/wheres_the_safest_to_be_after_a_murder/
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I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.

Turns out it was a Miss Steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gp6tf/i_drove_four_hours_to_attend_a_beauty_pageant_for/
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Did you hear about the psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?

He is a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gp5vn/did_you_hear_about_the_psychic_dwarf_that_escaped/
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What did Noah say after he let the dinosaurs in?

Welcome to Jurassic Ark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gp5sn/what_did_noah_say_after_he_let_the_dinosaurs_in/
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Shout out to the people . . .

Shout out to the people who are still wondering what the opposite of in is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gp4lu/shout_out_to_the_people/
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Steak Puns

They're a rare medium well done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gp2yy/steak_puns/
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What so you call a tennis player being a dick on the court?

A Deuce-bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gp2n7/what_so_you_call_a_tennis_player_being_a_dick_on/
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Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he has followers, not friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gp1am/why_does_donald_trump_use_twitter_instead_of/
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What do you call an adequate manufacturing plant?

A satisfactory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gozgv/what_do_you_call_an_adequate_manufacturing_plant/
%
which animal has the smallest genitals?

a peacock...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6goxud/which_animal_has_the_smallest_genitals/
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Peanuts in the ear

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”
The father replied “From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gow5p/peanuts_in_the_ear/
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What do Women's Studies majors like after dessert?

A tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gow2e/what_do_womens_studies_majors_like_after_dessert/
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A man with vision problems...

A man and his family have had a long history of problems with their eyesight, most remedied by prescription glasses. He's in his forties now when he starts to lose the overall quality of his vision and starts going to various doctors.
He gets prescribed a pair of prescription glasses and to no avail, cannot notice any improvement. So the next pair of glasses he gets, they still fail. Three more times he gets a pair of glasses prescribed and they're doing nothing, so he hopelessly ventures into the forest outside his city and finds a witch doctor.
He told the witch doctor of his situation and the scrawny individual bobbed his head in understanding, then held up a finger and went into another room. When he came back, he took two packets and squirted ketchup into the man's face.
To his surprise, he wiped the ketchup away from his eyes and hollered, "I can see!"
The witch doctor bobbed his head in another nod and said, "Heinzsight is 20/20."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6govam/a_man_with_vision_problems/
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A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gout6/a_woman_decided_to_have_a_face_lift_for_her/
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I told my dad that his hearing was terrible.

He said, "You can say that again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6goujj/i_told_my_dad_that_his_hearing_was_terrible/
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A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender and says, "Can I get a
.
.
.
.
glass of water?"
The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"
*ba-dum-tshh*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gou5u/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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The Girlfriend joke.

So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself.
Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?"
And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel.
So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh... No thanks, I'm good."
"Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out."
So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this."
So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner."
So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick.
A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it."
So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever.
So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream.
So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me."
I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well...alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow
So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again."
"Wait, what? Why not? What happened?"
"Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me."
"I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person"
"She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me."
"I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow."
I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on.
So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up.
Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her.
Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE.
And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gotp7/the_girlfriend_joke/
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A gynecologist decided to become a mechanic...

He graduated mechanic school with a 5.2 gpa and asked his teacher how that was possible.
The teacher said "Well, you aced the written exam thats half. Then you reassembled the motor perfectly, and we had to give you the extra credit when you did it all through the Muffler"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gotf0/a_gynecologist_decided_to_become_a_mechanic/
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Little Mary is at her first wedding.

When it’s over, she asks her mother, ‘Why did the lady change her mind?’
‘What do you mean?’ asks mother.
‘Well,’ replies Mary.
‘She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gosqn/little_mary_is_at_her_first_wedding/
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I got bitten by a mosquito last night

I bet that little bastard is really hungover now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gosp4/i_got_bitten_by_a_mosquito_last_night/
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For my next Halloween costume I'll need to physically disappear out of existence...

I'll be the wage gap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gonjr/for_my_next_halloween_costume_ill_need_to/
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A man and his wife had a fight...

They decided to give each other silence for a while. The man's alarm clock had broken down a couple of days ago, so when he had to get up at 5:00 AM to catch his flight for a business trip, he wrote on a piece of paper: "Can you please wake me up at 5:00?", and laid it on his wife's beddrawer before he went to sleep.
The next morning he woke up, and he was shocked to see it had already been 9:00 AM, and therefore he had missed his flight. He was just about to go ask his wife why she hadn't woken him up, when he found a piece of paper on his beddrawer with the text: "It's 5:00 AM, wake up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gomvl/a_man_and_his_wife_had_a_fight/
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My wife wanted to surprise me with a morning blowjob

That's the day I found out about her strap-on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gokr4/my_wife_wanted_to_surprise_me_with_a_morning/
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So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night

Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men.  I'm seeing a double standard here.  Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women?  What is he called?
Dad: Smart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gok5x/so_my_parents_were_debating_at_the_dinner_table/
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I'm not racist, a lot of my closest friends are black.

My favourite is the guy in Cell 21.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6goi31/im_not_racist_a_lot_of_my_closest_friends_are/
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A man walks into a bar

The next one ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6goi28/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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How hot is a tauntaun?

Lukewarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gohx5/how_hot_is_a_tauntaun/
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What has one horn and isn't magic?

A dead unicorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gohpx/what_has_one_horn_and_isnt_magic/
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0.666

... beware the number of the millibeast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gofpg/0666/
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I like showing women my big bag of almonds.

It's nice when they compliment my nut sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gofkb/i_like_showing_women_my_big_bag_of_almonds/
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I had an interviewer at a company called Transparency, but I didn't get the job.

Apparently I didn't speak clearly enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gobdu/i_had_an_interviewer_at_a_company_called/
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Today I farted on an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6go4k5/today_i_farted_on_an_elevator/
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Why did the jury decide Ester was not guilty?

Because Ester is in a scent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6go35u/why_did_the_jury_decide_ester_was_not_guilty/
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I'm not passive aggressive

Unlike *some* people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6go15z/im_not_passive_aggressive/
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Why were the twin towers mad on 9/11?

Because they ordered pepperoni but all the got was plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnzh1/why_were_the_twin_towers_mad_on_911/
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Two fat ladies walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.
"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.
Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnz2h/two_fat_ladies_walk_into_a_bar/
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Little kids are like fidget spinners

They're overhyped.
Oh yeah and they spin easier when you stick something metal through them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnx5n/little_kids_are_like_fidget_spinners/
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Mushrooms

A man walks into a bar and sits down.
The bartender asks "What'll it be?"
Man says "Whiskey... leave the bottle."
"You got it, everything alright?"
"I just became a widower for the 3rd time"
"Oh god, pal! I'm so sorry! You seem so young, can I ask what happened?"
"My 1st wife accidentally ate some poisonous mushrooms"
"Damn! That's rough! Sorry, bud. What about the 2nd?"
"She somehow ate from the same bad batch of mushrooms."
"Holy shit! I can't believe that! You must feel miserable! What about the most recent wife?"
"Well, she was different, her head was suddenly bashed in with a shovel."
"What the fuck? How the hell did that happen??"
"Bitch didn't like mushrooms"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnvba/mushrooms/
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If two Vegans are in a fight...

Is it still considered a "beef"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnuqu/if_two_vegans_are_in_a_fight/
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Rearrange the letters: NOR DO WE to make one word.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnunt/rearrange_the_letters_nor_do_we_to_make_one_word/
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Why did Hitler fail math class?

He couldn't complete The Final Solution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnucm/why_did_hitler_fail_math_class/
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I know a great 'knock knock' joke but you have to start it.

Who's there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnmln/i_know_a_great_knock_knock_joke_but_you_have_to/
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My father was a banana.

My mother found him quite appealing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnmcy/my_father_was_a_banana/
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An Asian lady walks into a bank

She is trying to exchange yen for sterling.
She rants at the cashier " yesterday I get 200 pounds for 1 yen, today I only get 180, why is this? ".
The cashier replies " fluctuations ",
the lady replies " fluck you white people too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnglf/an_asian_lady_walks_into_a_bank/
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Why do teenagers travel in groups of three?

Because they can't even!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnfa6/why_do_teenagers_travel_in_groups_of_three/
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Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!

Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gndoc/boy_grandpa_grandpa_make_a_noise_like_a_frog/
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I'm so poor

I can't even pay attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnddw/im_so_poor/
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Interviewer: Tell me something about yourself

Me: I'm a man of few words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnd6o/interviewer_tell_me_something_about_yourself/
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Natalie

A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door.
"I wanna see Natalie"
The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn't have a lot of money.
"Sir, to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour"
"No problem, I have money"
Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes down the stairs and the guy looks at her
"Natalie?"
"Yes?"
"I want to spend a little time with you"
She smirks at the man's appearance
"It will cost you $1,000"
The guy takes out a roll of cash and hands it to her, they go upstairs, do the dirty and he leaves half an hour later. The next day the guy is back, he knocks, the madame opens and is quite surprised that the guy is back
"I wanna see Natalie"
"Well it's still $1,000"
"O.K., I have the money"
He shows her the money, he goes upstairs, hands the money to Natalie, spend half an hour poking her clam and leaves.
So it continues for three more days, after the fifth day Natalie turns to him while he's dressing and says
"You know it's the first time that somebody came back so many times; where are you from?"
"I am from Michigan"
Natalie sits up. "Really? I have a sister in Michigan"
The guy grins and replies "I know, she gave me $5,000 to give you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gncim/natalie/
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Where did the pencil go on vacation?

Pennsylvania.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnazr/where_did_the_pencil_go_on_vacation/
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United really has gone downhill. Their service used to be great.

Hell, 16 years ago they would fly you right to your office!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gnapz/united_really_has_gone_downhill_their_service/
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I tried to put up a photo of myself on eBay...

But there were too many sale fees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gn4z4/i_tried_to_put_up_a_photo_of_myself_on_ebay/
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What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking, "Oh shit! My mom is going to kill me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gn4jw/what_does_a_pregnant_teenager_and_her_baby_have/
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A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks,

in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gn32y/a_precious_little_girl_walks_into_a_pets_mart/
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What do you call an Irish woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Ilene.
What do you call a Japanese woman with the same affliction?
Irene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gn2oj/what_do_you_call_an_irish_woman_with_one_leg/
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A skeleton walks into a bar

and he asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gn1vx/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
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Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins.

hello

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gmzk0/once_there_was_a_man_who_was_so_upset_by_his_past/
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Chuck Norris

never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gmvmd/chuck_norris/
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I used to have a dog.

But then one day, it bit child and unfortunately we just had to put em down...I mean he was prolly gonna tell his parents. It just had to be done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gmuxe/i_used_to_have_a_dog/
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What is a cannibals favorite restaurant?

Five Guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gmuqx/what_is_a_cannibals_favorite_restaurant/
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What do you call a drummer with no arms and no legs?

A headbanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gmrlg/what_do_you_call_a_drummer_with_no_arms_and_no/
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What does the German say when you show him a good meme?

Danke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gmqjg/what_does_the_german_say_when_you_show_him_a_good/
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Is your butt Thor?

....cuz I'll be your Asguardian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gmnk0/is_your_butt_thor/
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How do you know when a post isn't original?

Its on the front page of Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gmm9l/how_do_you_know_when_a_post_isnt_original/
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A minister awakens to a beautiful Sunday morning

He looks outside and sees not a single cloud in the sky. The temperature is a perfect 72 degrees. He says to himself, "THIS is the perfect day". He pauses for a moment and considers calling in sick to his church, skipping his worship services, and driving several towns over to play a round of golf on this perfect day. After considering it for a moment he decides to do it. He calls in sick, skips his worship services, abandons his congregation, and drives off to the nearby golf course several towns over.
Meanwhile in heaven St Peter is looking down in sadness and disgust. He turns to God who is focused on other matters elsewhere in the world. "My father, look at this. A man of your holy word has decided to abandon his congregation on a Sunday. He has chosen to lie to them and play golf instead of fulfilling his duties. What can be done?"
God turns to St Peter, looks down at the minister is is getting ready to tee off, then simply points at the minister. Puzzled, St Peter turns his attention back to earth and the minister.
The minister approaches the first hole. It's a long par 3. He places the ball on the tee, takes a deep breath, takes a few practices swings, and swings and drives the ball down the fairway. The ball soars farther than any he has ever hit and it goes right in the hole! The minister is ecstatic. He has never hit a hole-in-one before. And it happened on the perfect day. He is overcome with joy.
Back in heaven St Peter is stunned. He turns to God and asks, "I thought you were going to do something? Instead this man just got a hole-in-one!" God sighs and says, "I did do something. Who is he going to tell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gmkql/a_minister_awakens_to_a_beautiful_sunday_morning/
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After a sleepover, a boy drops a girl at her home

He puts his hand on the wall by the gate for support, leans toward her.
BOY : Can I kiss you?
GIRL: Not now, we're home.
BOY : Please.
GIRL: No.
BOY : You were damn sexy in bed today.
GIRL: You too, full of energy. I cannot believe we had four rounds!
BOY : Let me kiss you good night.
GIRL: Someone may be watching, they still think I'm a virgin at home. I haven't told them we're going out.
BOY: Ah forget them. What do they know? They're idiots for saving their virginity until marriage.
(This goes on for a couple of minutes)
Then the girl's brother makes an appearance.
"Dad says whether you kiss him or not, its your decision, but tell that bastard to remove his hand from the intercom button."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gmkit/after_a_sleepover_a_boy_drops_a_girl_at_her_home/
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Hoist the colors high!

Something you'd rather hear a pirate say than yelled at a KKK rally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gmjqu/hoist_the_colors_high/
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When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian.

Nobody is laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gmeru/when_she_was_growing_up_everybody_laughed_when/
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How do you know if you're at a gay barbecue?

All the weiners taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gm9tl/how_do_you_know_if_youre_at_a_gay_barbecue/
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What do you call a charity that gives bread to the poor?

A naan-profit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gm8bg/what_do_you_call_a_charity_that_gives_bread_to/
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Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!".

So I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gm7yl/got_an_email_today_from_a_bored_housewife_32/
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I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows too high this morning

she looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gm5td/i_told_my_wife_shed_painted_her_eyebrows_too_high/
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Uh... Maybe this is the vodka talking, but...

*Hey! I am made of potatoes!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gm5tm/uh_maybe_this_is_the_vodka_talking_but/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

with an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gm5nw/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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A father and his son

were working in the yard one day and the son grabs a chicken wire and starts to leave. His dad stops him and asks, "Where are you going with that chicken wire?"
The son replied, "I'm gonna catch some chickens."
The father said, "That's not how that works."
But the some left anyways and came back a couple hours later with a chicken under each arm. He then grabs a hog wire and starts to leave but his dad stops him and says,"Where are you going with that?"
The son replies, "I'm gonna catch a hog."
The dad says, "Alright." And the son leaves.
A few hours later the son comes bag with a hog. The son then grabs a couple of pussy bows and starts to leave, but his dad stops him and says, "Hold on, I'm coming with you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gm2k4/a_father_and_his_son/
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What does wearing crocs and having your dick sucked by a man have in common?

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6glzjx/what_does_wearing_crocs_and_having_your_dick/
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What do movies like Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6glz87/what_do_movies_like_titanic_and_the_sixth_sense/
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My wife is a lot like Apple

Always finding new and innovative ways to be annoying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gly3k/my_wife_is_a_lot_like_apple/
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The shortest sentence known to man is I Am

The longest one is I Do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6glxzl/the_shortest_sentence_known_to_man_is_i_am/
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
If
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6glvng/little_april_was_not_the_best_student_in_sunday/
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there's a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6glpwl/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_a/
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Poor poor woman. . .

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6glppe/poor_poor_woman/
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Just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gloos/just_burned_2000_calories/
%
What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?

I mean, didn't they get bored?
I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6glkpa/what_did_grandma_and_grandpa_do_before_there_was/
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Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The Doctor quickly responded, '$25,000 for a male brain, and $3,000 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gliuj/brain_transplant/
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I think I want to take up acting...

Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6glh61/i_think_i_want_to_take_up_acting/
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Voldemort:so I just have to lie?

Pinocchio: yep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6glg2a/voldemortso_i_just_have_to_lie/
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I smoked weed with a couple of cows near the police station.

The steaks were really high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6glfwv/i_smoked_weed_with_a_couple_of_cows_near_the/
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My english teacher told me that the file I sent her was corrupt, and that she couldn't open it

I suggested bribing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gle6u/my_english_teacher_told_me_that_the_file_i_sent/
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What do vegan zombies crave?

Graaaaaains!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6glcm8/what_do_vegan_zombies_crave/
%
High quality ads can be really bad for you.

They can cause ADHD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gl7wn/high_quality_ads_can_be_really_bad_for_you/
%
So, the organs of the digestive system were having a discussion over which organ was the best...

The mouth says:"I think I'm the best, because I can cut up food to small pieces with my sharp teeth,"
the oesophagus says:"But I think I'm the best, because I'm so muscular,"
the stomach says: "Well I think I'm the best, because I kill bacteria and break down food with my acid."
The large intestine suddenly shouts "I get it, I got a shitty job, ok?"
Small intestine snickers, and mutters " He hate us, cause he anus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gl7m9/so_the_organs_of_the_digestive_system_were_having/
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A duck waddles into a store, asks for some snails.

The woman behind the counter asks, "Wait, ducks don't carry cash, do they?"
The duck replies, "No, but you can put them on my bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gl5us/a_duck_waddles_into_a_store_asks_for_some_snails/
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What did the Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac person do all night?

He had laid there wondering if there really was a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gl4fa/what_did_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac_person/
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My wife insisted on mixing the butter and flour together.

I told her she would roux the day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gl2k4/my_wife_insisted_on_mixing_the_butter_and_flour/
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Why do farmers play smooth jazz for their corn?

It's easy on the ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gl2jv/why_do_farmers_play_smooth_jazz_for_their_corn/
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I'm writing a book about my time growing up as a shy young boy with irritable bowel syndrome...

... i've decided to call it 'Diarrhoea Of A Wimpy Kid'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gl240/im_writing_a_book_about_my_time_growing_up_as_a/
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[Watching porn]

Me: There's no way a teacher could afford a house like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkztd/watching_porn/
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Two wind turbines...

Two wind turbines are in a field when one turns to the other:
He says: "What's your favourite type of music"
The second one says: "Actually I'm a huge metal fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkzkp/two_wind_turbines/
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A Marine and a Sailor were getting a haircut.

One day there was a Marine and a Sailor sitting next to each other getting a haircut and a shave.  At the end of the shave, the barber went to go put some aftershave on the Marine.   The marine stopped the barber and said “skip the aftershave, I don’t want to go home to my wife smelling like a whore house” When the Sailor was done the barber hesitated but the Sailor said, “Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what a whore house smells like”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkxaw/a_marine_and_a_sailor_were_getting_a_haircut/
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Whats wrong with the Bar on the Moon?

It doesn't have any atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkwug/whats_wrong_with_the_bar_on_the_moon/
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An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.
When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' at their new possessions, the old man asked Peter how much all of this was going to cost.
"It's all free," Peter replied. "We *are* in heaven, after all."
Next they surveyed the lush championship golf course behind their home, where they were entitled to play everyday.
Of course, all the old man wanted to know, was: "How much are the green fees?"
"It's free!" came the reply.
Next, they went to the club house, and saw the lavish buffet on offer, with all of the world's different cuisines on offer, every meal cooked to perfection.
"How much do we have to pay for two?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand, yet?!" Peter replied, exasperated. "It's all free, you're in heaven!"
"Well, where are the low fat and cholesterol tables then? The food won't have too many calories, will it?" the old man asked, looking quite worried.
"That's the best part of heaven," Saint Peter said, excitedly. "You can eat as much of whatever you want, and you won't gain a single gram!"
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it wildly. His wife and Peter tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife. "This is all your fault!" he screamed! "If it weren't for you and your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkvlw/an_85_year_old_couple_is_going_on_holiday_when/
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We have this Dutch translation of an American joke

Geert Wilders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkvk0/we_have_this_dutch_translation_of_an_american_joke/
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A guy goes to the cinema....

After doing a spot of shopping a guy decides to go the cinema, unfortunately for him he has just bought a pet tortoise and the cinema has a no pets policy. Not to be beaten the guy sticks the tortoise down the front of his pants and goes in to watch his film.
Just as the lights go down he unzips his pants and pulls the tortoise's head out so it can breath, half way through the film a young lady sitting next to the guy starts nudging her boyfriend, after a few minutes the boyfriend asks "What?" the girlfriend says "The man next to me has got his dick out." the boyfriend replies "So what" the girlfriend replies "It's eating my popcorn!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkv5v/a_guy_goes_to_the_cinema/
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A kid asked his cheap dad for $5

"$4? What do you need $3 for? I've only got $2. Here's $1"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkukz/a_kid_asked_his_cheap_dad_for_5/
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There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gku6u/theres_a_way_of_telling_if_an_orange_is_male_or/
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Three generals are having a day off at the beach

The American General begins to boast: "Our submarines are the best in the world! The newest 2016 model can stay weeks under water without having to surface!"
The Russian general is unimpressed and says: "Russian U-boat is best. Months we stay under water and no need to go up!"
The German general is impressed and doesn't know what to say.
Suddenly they see waves appearing a little off the shore and with a splash, a submarine surfaces. The hatch opens and the emerging soldier raises his right arm "Heil Hitler! We are out of fuel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkrfp/three_generals_are_having_a_day_off_at_the_beach/
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Some people love abbreviations, such as: "n/a".

But that's not applicable to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkqus/some_people_love_abbreviations_such_as_na/
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I've been doing some drag racing recently.

It's quite the transsport.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkqst/ive_been_doing_some_drag_racing_recently/
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What is the best thing about being a necrophiliac?

Your girlfriend never has morning breath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkqcv/what_is_the_best_thing_about_being_a_necrophiliac/
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Apparently, someone stole a few of my Rap CDs.

Oh well, no biggie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkpnn/apparently_someone_stole_a_few_of_my_rap_cds/
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Girls use chemicals to remove polish, and no one bats an eye.

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and he's a bad person!?﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkoji/girls_use_chemicals_to_remove_polish_and_no_one/
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger

Then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gko2p/i_wondered_why_the_baseball_was_getting_bigger/
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Grammar Fuhrer

One of Hitler's assistants says to him one day, "Sir, we're mining too many useless ores."
Hitler replies, "Well, mine less."
A grammar nazi then bursts through the door and shouts, "Mine FEWER!"
Hitler looks up and asks, "Yes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkm40/grammar_fuhrer/
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Son walks in on his dad masturbating

Dad tells him "son... you'll be doing this soon".
The son asks "why... because I'm about to hit puberty?"
To which the dad replies "no... because my arm is getting sore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkkkg/son_walks_in_on_his_dad_masturbating/
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My friend asked my daughter, "How old is your father?"

"As old as me." she replied.
He laughed and asked, "How can that be?!"
She said, "Well, he didn't become a father until I was born."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkhqx/my_friend_asked_my_daughter_how_old_is_your_father/
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An old man and his grandson are sitting on the porch.

An elderly man and his grandson are sitting outside on the porch. The grandfather pulls out a cigar, lights it, and proceeds to smoke. The grandson looked upon him with curiosity.
"Papa, may I have a cigar?" The little boy asked.
The old man smirks, "You can, but only if your answer to this question is yes. Tell me, can your pecker touch your ass?"
"No, Sir." The little boy replied.
"Then, you aren't man enough to smoke a cigar."
A few minutes go by, and the old man's wife brings him out a beer.
"Papa, may I have a sip of your beer?" The little boy inquired.
"Can your pecker touch your ass?"
"No."
"Then, you aren't man enough to have a beer."
The boy finally goes inside, leaving the grandfather to chuckle at his cleverness. Minutes go by before the boy finally comes back out. In his hands he carries a plate of cookies and a glass of milk.
The old man licked his lips.
"You oughta let me have one of them cookies." The old man said.
"Can your pecker touch your ass, Papa?" The boy asks.
With a huge grin the grandfather replies, "It sure does."
"Then, go fuck yourself, Papa. Grandma made these cookies for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gkfmd/an_old_man_and_his_grandson_are_sitting_on_the/
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High noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"
The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go. "Play alone, we're a-leavin'. Wild Bill's comin' to town."
The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing; a strong one at that. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change."
After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer, and pushes the bill back to the reporter. "The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town." Without another word the 'tender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the reporter in an empty bar.
Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he's about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something; so he waits...
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, Bong<CRACK!>- Just as the clock strikes the first chime of twelve, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The reporter runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a tornado coming right for the bar. The reporter hits the ground and watches as the tornado comes up to the bar and stops.
The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face <WHAM!>, knocking it cold on the ground.
The reporter is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. <KaPLOW!> the giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters that imbed themselves into the walls and break bottles and glasses that they touch.
The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the reporter and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, "GIMME A DRINK!"
The reporter comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whisky; which the giant snatches up, chews the glass tops off of, and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles showering the reporter with shards that rain down.
Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the reporter stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, "W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?"
The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock... "Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill's comin' to town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gka9y/high_noon/
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A judge was fired for gross incompetence

He was having trouble putting sentences together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gk967/a_judge_was_fired_for_gross_incompetence/
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no legs, no eyes and no genitals? Still no fucking idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gk5wt/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
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Why does Voldemort use Twitter but not Facebook?

He only has followers, not friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gk4ij/why_does_voldemort_use_twitter_but_not_facebook/
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Forwards I am heavy, backwards I am not; What am I?

The answer is "ton".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gk4d5/forwards_i_am_heavy_backwards_i_am_not_what_am_i/
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If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gk3zl/if_athletes_get_athletes_foot_what_do_astronauts/
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I was going to pray to god for a bike.

But of course god doesn't work that way so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gk39l/i_was_going_to_pray_to_god_for_a_bike/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjzzd/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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A group of three men were sitting together...

When one asked " What would you do if you had 5 minutes to live?"
The second man responds by saying "If I had 5 minutes I would fu*k anything that moved"
When the third man was asked what he would do he replied " I would stand very still for 5 minutes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjzls/a_group_of_three_men_were_sitting_together/
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First visit to a brothel (NSFW)

After several years of loneliness a man visits a brothel. He speaks with the madame at the front desk and he says, "It's been years since I've had sex, and I've never been to a place like this before. What can I get for twenty bucks?"
"Hmmm..." says the mistress, "twenty won't get you much in most places, but I suppose I can let you have the surprise room, just this once."
"What's the surprise room?" asked the man.
She smiled back at him, "Well mister, I can tell you can I? It wouldn't be a surprise. It's something a little different each time."
He agreed and she showed him to a room down the hall. He walked in to a room with mirrors everywhere. Mirrors on the walls, the floor,  the ceiling, even on the back of the door. In the center of the room was a large cushioned box, covered in red velvet.
He walked over and opened the box, only to find a chicken. At this point, he was still quite horny, and it had been a while... So he figures 'What the Hell" and makes love to the chicken.
On the way out he thanks the mistress who asks him, "How was it?" He says, "It wasn't bad, but definitely different. I'll be back next week with more money."
A week later the man returns with $40 and once again asks, "What can I get for forty bucks?"
She smiles at him, "Well, do you like to watch?"
"Oh hell yes. I love to watch!" He blurts out.
"Great, you can have the voyeur room." she beams, and off she leads him down another hall to a door.
He walks into a room with two rows of chairs facing a curtain. There's another man already in the front row towards the left, so he takes a seat in the back row to the right. Several minutes pass, and the lights slowly fade out. Then the curtain opens to reveal a man, having sex with two beautiful women.
The man, excitedly says, "Wow! This is a great show. Definitely worth the money!"
"Yeah?" says the other guy, "You should have been here last week. There was a man fucking a chicken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjxpd/first_visit_to_a_brothel_nsfw/
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Being a nice guy is like the Canadian military..

Cute, innocent, isn't taken seriously and will never get any action

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjupy/being_a_nice_guy_is_like_the_canadian_military/
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A teacher, a nurse, and an Army man were in a hot air balloon.

The balloon was too heavy so each of them dropped something off it. The teacher dropped an apple, the nurse dropped her medical bag, and the Army man drops a grenade. After they land, they go for a walk. They come across a little girl who's crying. They ask her what's wrong and she says an apple fell out of the sky and knocked out her new puppy. Later they come across a little boy who is also crying. They ask him what's wrong and he says a bag fell from the sky and knocked out his new kitten. Then they come across a little girl who's laughing really hard. They ask her what's so funny and she says "I farted and the building behind me blew up!"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjtah/a_teacher_a_nurse_and_an_army_man_were_in_a_hot/
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A man and his wife

A man was titty fucking his wife, and had been for a very long time. She finally asked him, "Why have you been titty fucking me so much lately?"
He replied, "I'm trying to make them bigger!"
She looked at him confused, "Why do you expect that to happen?"
"Because it worked on your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjqtp/a_man_and_his_wife/
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Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?

So he could run his fingers through his hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjn65/why_did_the_bald_man_cut_holes_in_his_pockets/
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I've been contemplating the pros and cons of masturbation.

On the one hand, it feels good.
On the other, not so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjmin/ive_been_contemplating_the_pros_and_cons_of/
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Why didn't the teacher break wind in front of other people?

Because he was a private tooter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjkhf/why_didnt_the_teacher_break_wind_in_front_of/
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You've heard of "to teach a boy to fish... "

The old saying goes "you give a man a fish  he eats for a day, but teach him to fish he eats for his lifetime." In the military they tell privates the same thing but a little differently.
It goes "you make a fire for a soldier, he's warm for the night. You light the soldier on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjk3j/youve_heard_of_to_teach_a_boy_to_fish/
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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Dave, is that you?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjjza/a_college_professor_started_to_notice_that_one_of/
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One night, Wonder Woman sent some nude pics but one failed to impress...

...she didn't turn on the flash...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjjdv/one_night_wonder_woman_sent_some_nude_pics_but/
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What do you call it when an Iraqi and a spider have a baby?

An Iraqnid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjj2u/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_iraqi_and_a_spider/
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Recently I quadrupled all of the money to my name.

0 x 4 = 0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjiim/recently_i_quadrupled_all_of_the_money_to_my_name/
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If I had a million dollars, I'd probably pay your mom to have sex with me...

Then I'd invest the other 999,990 dollars.
(Bonus points if you know where this is from.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjgl3/if_i_had_a_million_dollars_id_probably_pay_your/
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat.  Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar.  The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in.  No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjgku/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_bunch_of_meat/
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I'll tell you what I know about dwarves

Very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjfh8/ill_tell_you_what_i_know_about_dwarves/
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my wife Ruth

My wife Ruth left me ... now im Ruthless .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjf18/my_wife_ruth/
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A man complains to his girlfriend that his wife got his age wrong on the birthday cake she made for him

His girlfriend relied, "Aww, that dumb bitch! I got you the right number of candles! I didn't make the cake, though."
He looks at her and says
"It's the thot that counts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjc6j/a_man_complains_to_his_girlfriend_that_his_wife/
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John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjc02/john_was_unable_to_choose_between_two_girls/
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There are two types of people in this world.

Those who admit to masturbation, and those who should go fuck themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gjaky/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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a man and his cat walk into a bar...

bartender: Gentlemen, how can I help you?
man: One jack and coke please.
cat: and I'll have an ice and whiskey
bartender: Don't you mean whiskers?
*bartender giggles*
cat: Ha Ha. Very funny. Because i'm a cat right? Good one.
man: *begins to look bothered*
bartender: What?.. don't act like this is the FURst time you've heard a good cat-pun.
*bartender laughs again at his own joke*
man: *noticeably getting angrier*
cat: Well i wouldn't say that it was exactly a goo-
bartender: Hey calm down buddy! I'm only tuggin your tail, why don't u go hit a fishbowl and chill out.
*bartender is full on cracking up*
man: *stands up* Can you please just CUT IT THE FUCK OUT pal! This shit ain't funny! Like... at ALL.
cat: I agree, you sir have a pawful sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gj99b/a_man_and_his_cat_walk_into_a_bar/
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Shoutout to my grandpa

That's the only way he can hear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gj2e3/shoutout_to_my_grandpa/
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I was up going to tell you a gay joke...

Buttfuck it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gj0p7/i_was_up_going_to_tell_you_a_gay_joke/
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I tried buying some frozen dates,

but the morgue was closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gix8p/i_tried_buying_some_frozen_dates/
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?

Sparky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6givt8/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_hind_legs_and/
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My therapist committed suicide today.

Hi suicide note read.
"Do as I say, not as I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6giv9u/my_therapist_committed_suicide_today/
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Why was the Euroman speedwalking?

He was secretly Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6giuz6/why_was_the_euroman_speedwalking/
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Harriet Tubman is going to be on the new $20 bill

It's be worth $12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6giu4w/harriet_tubman_is_going_to_be_on_the_new_20_bill/
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What does "paralympics" stands for?

It doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6giscz/what_does_paralympics_stands_for/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6girbn/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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Friend asks where I get all my jokes

I Reddit off somewhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6giq9w/friend_asks_where_i_get_all_my_jokes/
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When I find myself in times of trouble...

When I find myself in times of trouble /
Mother Russia comes to me /
Speaking words of wisdom... /
covfefe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gioph/when_i_find_myself_in_times_of_trouble/
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I'am So Ugly.....

That when my dog humps my leg, he closest his eyes and looks away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gio20/iam_so_ugly/
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My doctor said I only have 2 months to live...

So I shot him.
The judge gave me 30years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gin7n/my_doctor_said_i_only_have_2_months_to_live/
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Yo can tell if a woman is into you by her feet when you are near of her...

If they are behind her ears she definitely is into you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gimwr/yo_can_tell_if_a_woman_is_into_you_by_her_feet/
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Did you see the new movie called Constipated yet?

Oh wait. It didn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gimq4/did_you_see_the_new_movie_called_constipated_yet/
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There used to be great empires, ruled by Emperors, then there were Kingdoms ruled by Kings...

Now all we have is a bunch of countries....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gimco/there_used_to_be_great_empires_ruled_by_emperors/
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They say there's safety in numbers

Tell that to 6 million Jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gim6h/they_say_theres_safety_in_numbers/
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Why are people with foot fetishes always losers?

Because they love the smell of defeat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6giljx/why_are_people_with_foot_fetishes_always_losers/
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A man walks into a bar and asks for a bowl of chili...

...and the bartender says "ehhh, sorry man, but the guy next to you has the last bowl. Is there anything else I can get you?"
"No, it's fine," the man says.
Sitting there in is own self-pity, the man looks over to his chiliful neighbor and notices the dick isn't even touching it!
"Hey, uh, are you going to eat that?" says the man.
"No, you can have it."
So, with a rush of joy, the man slides the bowl over in front of him and starts chowing down. It's delicious. Warm, spicy, great texture.  It's probably the best chili this man has ever had the pleasure of tasting.
He's scarfing this bowl down when he notices a dead, bloated, tomato juice soaked rat. The man immediately throws the contents of his stomach back into the bowl and his neighbor says "Yeah, that's how far I got..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gik8d/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_bowl_of/
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Why is the word "impeach" so popular with Donald Trump's presidency?

Lack of a better term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gii0d/why_is_the_word_impeach_so_popular_with_donald/
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Don't you hate it when you're reading a joke,

And there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gibgh/dont_you_hate_it_when_youre_reading_a_joke/
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How do you know when a guy is a tool?

When he nuts and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gia3o/how_do_you_know_when_a_guy_is_a_tool/
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If looks could kill...

...women wouldn't need frying pans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gi966/if_looks_could_kill/
%
Democracy obviously doesn't work.

I mean, I was voted "most likely to succeed" at High School.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gi8fh/democracy_obviously_doesnt_work/
%
Don't you hate it when you read the first part of the joke

twice?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gi6go/dont_you_hate_it_when_you_read_the_first_part_of/
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Socks are like unhappy couples in therapy

always trying to leave each other, only to be brought back together by a third party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gi638/socks_are_like_unhappy_couples_in_therapy/
%
Who would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of average over-hyped headphones?

Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gi2oq/who_would_pay_a_ridiculous_amount_of_money_for_a/
%
I had just popped into a shop and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I said what the fuck are you doing?
He said the car is illegally parked.
I told him he's a pig.
So then he writes another ticket for a bald tyre.
I told him he's likes fucking hitler.
So he then writes another ticket for a defective wiper blade.
I said fuck you and he then gives another ticket for expired tax.
You should have seen the look on his face when the owner of the car showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ghzrh/i_had_just_popped_into_a_shop_and_when_i_came_out/
%
An old woman walks into a bank...

The bank was the most reputed one in the small town.
Clerk: " May I help you madam?"
Woman:"I want to open an account and deposit $1,000,000."
Since it was a lot of money, the clerk sent the woman to the manager's office.
Manager:"Please don't mind my asking but how do you happen to have such a large sum of money."
Woman:"I win bets, for a living."
Manager:"I am confused."
Woman:"I can bet that you are actually bald and wearing a wig."
Manager(thinking that she is mad): Well these are real hair, you may check it yourself."
Woman: How about a bet of a thousand bucks? Tomorrow I will come with my lawyer and check your hair.
Manager, thinking that he would surely win, nodded.
The next day woman walked in with a lawyer. The manager said he was ready and the woman began pulling his hair. Seeing this the lawyer fainted. Manager cried," What happened to him?OMG."
Woman: Nothing, I had betted with him that I will pull the hair of the manager of this town's most reputed bank and he would let me do so. Poor guy just lost half a million dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ghzfj/an_old_woman_walks_into_a_bank/
%
Even with short term memory loss I can tell you without a doubt..

man i'm hungry right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ghy3e/even_with_short_term_memory_loss_i_can_tell_you/
%
What do lawyers wear to work?

Lawsuits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ght18/what_do_lawyers_wear_to_work/
%
Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says, "That's nothing, I once made a beach landing, marched 60 miles, and killed everyone in sight." The SEAL is unimpressed, he says "That's nothing, I once swam 10 miles to shore, marched 70 miles, and killed everyone in sight with my bare hands." Thoroughly impressed, they all look over at the Delta Force member, and he's dead silent, just stirring the coals of the fire with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ghsx5/military_joke/
%
Q: Why can't Theresa May look herself in the mirror?

A: Because she has no reflection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ghqac/q_why_cant_theresa_may_look_herself_in_the_mirror/
%
Why don't you want to play Uno with Donald Trump?

He takes away all the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ghpzr/why_dont_you_want_to_play_uno_with_donald_trump/
%
My dad walked in on me masturbating

He said, "Son, don't you know doing that will make you go blind!"
I said, "Dad, I'm over here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ghnmv/my_dad_walked_in_on_me_masturbating/
%
A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, “HIJACK!”

All passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “HI JOHN!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ghm9u/a_guy_in_a_plane_stood_up_and_shouted_hijack/
%
Why didn't cats invent anything important?

They just can't think outside the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ghksk/why_didnt_cats_invent_anything_important/
%
There is a new terrorist religion that hates addition

The Tally Ban

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ghkih/there_is_a_new_terrorist_religion_that_hates/
%
What do you get if you put a blonde upside down?

A brunette with bad breath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ghgtn/what_do_you_get_if_you_put_a_blonde_upside_down/
%
Socks are expensive.

I can go on a date or I can buy a pack of socks. I was going to ask this girl out, but then I got cold feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ghfqy/socks_are_expensive/
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Your two options (A translated Russian joke)

A son goes to his father, because he is in a dilemma, and can't decide between two options.
The son asks: "Dad, I have two options, and I can't decide between two. I can either go to the Army, or get married."
The dad replies: "Well son, if you decide to get married, then all is lost, but if you decide to go to the Army, then you have two options.
Either you die in combat, or you live a veteran. If you live, then all is lost, but if you die in combat, then you have two options.
Either you will be buried under a birch tree, or an evergreen. If you are buried under an evergreen, then all is lost, but if you are buried under a birch tree, then you have two options.
Either the birch tree is made into paper, or pencils. If it is pencils, then all is lost. But if it is paper, then you have two options.
Either the paper made is toilet paper, or printer paper. If it's printer paper, then all is lost, but if it is toilet paper, then you have two options.
Either the toilet paper goes to the women's restroom, or the mens. If it goes to the men's restroom, then all is lost, but if it goes into the women's restroom, then you have two options.
Either they wipe from the front, or the back. If they wipe from the back, then all is lost, but if they wipe from the front, then it's the same as getting married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ghb04/your_two_options_a_translated_russian_joke/
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Jesus Christ was featured on a recent episode of Hoarders

Apparently, his saving really got out of control!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gh9q3/jesus_christ_was_featured_on_a_recent_episode_of/
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A man entered his​ house

A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gh72h/a_man_entered_his_house/
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What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

Muhammad, statistically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gh3qp/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_flying_a_plane/
%
My wife is like my bathroom

Full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gh39m/my_wife_is_like_my_bathroom/
%
Why did the Mexican take xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gh2zx/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
BREAKING: Helicopter crash in a New Jersey cemetery

300 dead bodies recovered so far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gh1yd/breaking_helicopter_crash_in_a_new_jersey_cemetery/
%
How to solve Global Warming:

Convince republicans that rising temperatures are turning people gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gh06c/how_to_solve_global_warming/
%
My sister has just had a baby and she has decided to call him Mark, with a C.

Cark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ggy0m/my_sister_has_just_had_a_baby_and_she_has_decided/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalottapuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ggwba/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?

You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gguyo/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_the/
%
Friend: I got kicked out of math class today.

Me: Why?
Friend: Turns out mouthwash doesn't come after 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ggt0n/friend_i_got_kicked_out_of_math_class_today/
%
"Hey, wanna hear a joke?"

Graduate: Sure
"A job"
Graduate: I don't get it
"I know you don't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ggraf/hey_wanna_hear_a_joke/
%
My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...

...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ggnn5/my_little_brother_wanted_to_be_treated_like_a/
%
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats"

But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!"
Moral: hard work is never appreciated, only results matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ggmd7/when_a_lady_is_pregnant_all_her_friends_touch_her/
%
Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report

Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gggj0/vatican_to_elevate_pope_francis_to_sainthoodreport/
%
Did she know that Elon Musk was cheating on her?

Yeah, Amber Heard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ggehp/did_she_know_that_elon_musk_was_cheating_on_her/
%
Tommy has a problem. What does he do?

Hilfiger it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ggebo/tommy_has_a_problem_what_does_he_do/
%
During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.
“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”
“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.
He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches.
“See, British soldiers are the bravest.”
“That’s nothing” said the Russian General
“Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.”
“Da, Comrade General!”
The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl.
“Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.”
The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.”
He calls one of his men over.
“Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!”
Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says
“Go fuck yourself, General.”
“See! Now that takes some real balls!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gg92w/during_ww2_three_generals_were_arguing_who_had/
%
I once lost my watch at a party

I saw a guy step on it while sexually assualting a girl. I walked up to him and punched him the face. No one does that to a girl. Not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gg91j/i_once_lost_my_watch_at_a_party/
%
If you have epilepsy, it's important to avoid reading Roman history books.

It could cause a Caesar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gg8q8/if_you_have_epilepsy_its_important_to_avoid/
%
A sith lord became a karate sensei.

It was master vader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gg7um/a_sith_lord_became_a_karate_sensei/
%
What do you get when you cross necrophilia with group sex?

Popping open a cold one with the boys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfz9c/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_necrophilia_with/
%
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got cut off?

He's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfz5o/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whose_whole_left_side/
%
What do you call a Prussian car?

A Ottomobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfz1n/what_do_you_call_a_prussian_car/
%
Don't sweat the petty things

and don't pet the sweaty things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfxv1/dont_sweat_the_petty_things/
%
Everyone had better get their Betsy DeVos jokes in...

While people can still read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfvme/everyone_had_better_get_their_betsy_devos_jokes_in/
%
I've just bought my wife a slinky outfit

I can't wait to see her going down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfuo7/ive_just_bought_my_wife_a_slinky_outfit/
%
Mohammad and his family moved to Ireland

Eight-year-old Mohammad had just moved to Ireland and entered his classroom on the first day of school. "What's your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Frank." Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is no longer Mohammad. I'm in Ireland now and my name is Frank." "What?" she said. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again. The next day when Mohammad returned to school the teacher saw his bruises. "What happened to you, Frank?" she asked. "Well, shortly after becoming Irish I was attacked by two Arabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gft8s/mohammad_and_his_family_moved_to_ireland/
%
The US Postal service released a new stamp with a picture of Donald Trump on it, however the new stamp isn't sticking to envelopes. The POTUS got an investigation underway.

Investigation outcome:
There's nothing wrong with the stamp.
People are spitting on the wrong side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfs2i/the_us_postal_service_released_a_new_stamp_with_a/
%
What did the penis say to the condom

Cover me in going in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfphq/what_did_the_penis_say_to_the_condom/
%
What did the octogenarian pirate say on his birthday?

Aye Matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfp5b/what_did_the_octogenarian_pirate_say_on_his/
%
You know the last thing my grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket?

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfln4/you_know_the_last_thing_my_grandad_said_to_me/
%
Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise

it circles Uranus looking for Klingons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfkbc/toilet_paper_is_sort_of_like_the_starship/
%
Always hated how at weddings the old family farts would cuckle and say "It's your turn next time.."

So I started telling them the same at funerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfhkq/always_hated_how_at_weddings_the_old_family_farts/
%
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfh7i/what_hangs_at_a_mans_thigh_and_wants_to_poke_the/
%
Damn This Summer Heat!

It's so hot, when I took water out of the refrigerator, the goddamn bottle started sweating!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfcko/damn_this_summer_heat/
%
Some people have 10 teeth, while others have 32

It's simple meth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfc5x/some_people_have_10_teeth_while_others_have_32/
%
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring yesterday.

The doctor says I’m fine, but I feel like I’ve dyed a bit on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gfa7z/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food_coloring/
%
"See that wall?" said the bitter Scotsman at the pub...

I built that wall, all the way from here to Glenmore, but do they call me "Angus the wall-builder? Nooo!"
"And see the church spire? Built that too. Do they call me "Angus the steeple-builder"? Noo!"
"And that terrible night when the orphanage burned down,I saved all the wee bairns from the flames: "Angus the orphan-saver"? Noo!"
"But..." He paused to sip his beer... "You fuck just *one* goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gf9mk/see_that_wall_said_the_bitter_scotsman_at_the_pub/
%
I'm from Cape Breton Island, what that means is I face a lot of discrimination. People assume I'm an incestuous, alcoholic, wife beating, fish fucker.

I'll have you know I've never hit my sister once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gf4js/im_from_cape_breton_island_what_that_means_is_i/
%
I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gf4jo/i_hate_women_who_lie_over_the_smallest_things/
%
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”

The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gf4i9/a_mexican_kid_meets_donald_trump_and_says_to_him/
%
Happy Birthday!

It was my birthday last week and I didn't wake up feeling very well that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast in the hopes that my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday".
I thought.. Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.. they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down the stairs and didn't say one word. So when i left for the office I was feeling quite low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked in to my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning Boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday!"
I felt a little better that at least somebody remembered. I worked until one o'clock when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know Boss, It's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day, let's go!"
We went to lunch but not where we usually go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office Jane asked, "You know Boss, it's such a beautiful day today, we don't have to go straight back to the office do we?"
I responded, "I guess not, what do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
Aftet arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind I'm going to step into my bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay" I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday!"
And I just sat there..
On the couch..
Sobbing..
Naked..
and erect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gf3kl/happy_birthday/
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What did the janitor shout when he came out of the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gf3j8/what_did_the_janitor_shout_when_he_came_out_of/
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Why do so many redditors claim to be someone they're not when their entire post history is so easily accessible?

As a trans mtf ex-cop who also lost my arm in Afghanistan and whose husband just left me for some woman who is dying of cancer, I find it incredibly insulting. I've been through so much to make where I am right now. (I was abandoned as an infant in Russia in 1962. I grew up on the streets and when I turned 18 I hid in the luggage compartment of a plane heading for America.) It just upsets me that so many people would lie about who they really are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gf36x/why_do_so_many_redditors_claim_to_be_someone/
%
Doggy birth control

An old woman has two dachsunds, one male and one female. A friend asks her how she stops them breeding when the female comes into heat?
"I just put Trudi upstairs, while I keep Heinz on the main floor," the owner explains.
Puzzled, the friend asks how that helps?
The old girl replies, "Have you ever seen a dachsund with a boner trying to climb a set of stairs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gf17e/doggy_birth_control/
%
Two Brothers are running a prostitution house...

Two brothers are running a prostitution house, but they are not making any money. After trying numerous ideas to increase profits, Vadim, the older brother, came up with a plan.
"Why don't we just put a blow up doll in the bed under the covers?"
Igor, his younger brother, replied "That's crazy".
"No, no, trust me. These customers are always piss drunk anyway. They won't even notice. We have nothing to lose."
They bought the blowup doll and set it up in a dark room upstairs. They sent the first customer up. 20 minutes later the customer came down, paid his tab and left.
The brothers were surprised it worked. A few more customers came and went and paid their tab without a word.
The brothers were celebrating and drinking having solved their financial woes when a customer came down frantic.
"Oh my god, oh my god" the customer cried.
"What happened sir?"
"I don't know, everything was going great. But when I bit her tits she farted and jumped out the window"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gf0u3/two_brothers_are_running_a_prostitution_house/
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What do you call a wheelbarrow full of Qurans?

a la carte.
I'm so sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gf0kb/what_do_you_call_a_wheelbarrow_full_of_qurans/
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Why are people with a foot fetish losers?

They love the smell of defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6geydw/why_are_people_with_a_foot_fetish_losers/
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Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,

... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gewyh/two_toothpicks_are_hanging_out_in_a_forest/
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Last night I went out dressed as a chicken and got with a girl who was dressed as an egg...

Life long question was answered
It was the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6get8h/last_night_i_went_out_dressed_as_a_chicken_and/
%
Sometimes I wonder: Why is that frisbee getting bigger?

. . . and then it hits me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gesrb/sometimes_i_wonder_why_is_that_frisbee_getting/
%
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop

"Can you make me one with everything?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6geqo2/the_dalai_lama_walks_into_a_pizza_shop/
%
What are our names?

A hen and her chick are having a talk.
"Why do humans have names, but us chickens don't? All we have is chicken, or hen.", asks the chick.
"Well, humans may have names when they are ALIVE, but when they are dead, they are only called ghosts.", Says the hen, "but, we have lots of names when we are dead. Such as chicken curry, fried chicken, roast chicken...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6geq00/what_are_our_names/
%
I thought Samsung's would name their next phone Big Bang

Cause their Galaxy blew up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gens6/i_thought_samsungs_would_name_their_next_phone/
%
How did the geologist get down the mountain?

'e rode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gemw1/how_did_the_geologist_get_down_the_mountain/
%
I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to fuck her or not.

If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be fucking her.
If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to catch her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gem8z/i_can_tell_just_by_the_shoes_a_woman_wears_if_im/
%
What does spinach and a cock have in common?

If you are forced to eat it as a kid, you are probably gonna hate it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gelqs/what_does_spinach_and_a_cock_have_in_common/
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I think my coworkers are gay.

Every time I walk by, they mumble "what an ass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gelq0/i_think_my_coworkers_are_gay/
%
Why can't doctors work with meteorologists?

They're always under the weather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gejy3/why_cant_doctors_work_with_meteorologists/
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Friends are like snowflakes

When you pee on them they disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6geikq/friends_are_like_snowflakes/
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If you like Pina Coladas...

... And getting songs stuck in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6geial/if_you_like_pina_coladas/
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Friends are like boobs.

They never show up when you need them most.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gehru/friends_are_like_boobs/
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What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gegjd/what_is_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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Friends are like bras

Close to heart and always for support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6geggr/friends_are_like_bras/
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Friends are like boobs

I don't have any

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6geg83/friends_are_like_boobs/
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After winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on TV...

Apparently, that's unacceptable in bowling...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gefyx/after_winning_the_game_i_decided_to_throw_the/
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The Fuzz

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says to the other, "Ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6geeix/the_fuzz/
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I went to see my Doctor yesterday for a prostate examination...

There was nothing to worry about, he gave me the thumbs up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gecpq/i_went_to_see_my_doctor_yesterday_for_a_prostate/
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Do you know how I escaped Iraq?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ge9v8/do_you_know_how_i_escaped_iraq/
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The worst part about working for the department of unemployment

Is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ge8mr/the_worst_part_about_working_for_the_department/
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Girl: Come over

Boy: I am, although we really don't need to be using walkie talkies, over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ge3c9/girl_come_over/
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What do you call a Caucasian pyrotechnic?

A Firecracker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gdxuh/what_do_you_call_a_caucasian_pyrotechnic/
%
A Girl once asked me how I view Lesbian relationships.

I told her "In HD". Apparently that was not the right answer.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gdvfh/a_girl_once_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
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Comparing Nixon to Trump isn't fair...

It's apples and orange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gdthn/comparing_nixon_to_trump_isnt_fair/
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Do you know why your dog licks his ass?

Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gdlu3/do_you_know_why_your_dog_licks_his_ass/
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Did you hear the one about rim jobs?

It's very tongue in cheek.
-came up with this while trying to fall asleep. Pretty sure it's OC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gdjj3/did_you_hear_the_one_about_rim_jobs/
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Little Timmy saw his dad drive by...

It's a sunny day, and little Timmy was outside playing by himself, when he saw his dad drive by with Aunt Karen in the passenger seat. They drive off into the woods nearby, and little Timmy runs after them to see what's going on. Upon learning what it is dad and Aunt Karen is doing out in the woods by themselves, he runs home as fast as he can to tell mom about it.
Timmy bursts in the door and finds his mom in the kitchen, and he yells, "Mom! I just saw daddy and Aunt Karen drive off into the woods together!"
Timmy's mom asks, "And then what happened, sweetie?"
"Well, Aunt Karen started kissing dad on the mouth. And then daddy helped Aunt Karen take her shirt off, and she helped him get out of his pants. And then..."
Timmy's mom interrupts, "Hold on sweetie. Why don't you save the rest of the story for when daddy gets home for dinner, I'd like to see his reaction to your story."
So Timmy's dad comes home for dinner, they're all sitting around the table when the mom goes, "So Timmy, why don't you tell us about what you saw today?"
"Well, I saw daddy and Aunt Karen in the woods. And Aunt Karen was kissing daddy. Then daddy took her shirt off, and Aunt Karen helped dad take his pants off. And then they kissed some more and did that thing that mommy and Uncle Gary always used to do when daddy was out of town for work."
*Edit - a word*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gddoq/little_timmy_saw_his_dad_drive_by/
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[NSFW] a boy learns two new words in school

He goes home, asks his mom "what does bitch and pussy mean?" the mom answers "bitch is the female dog, pussy is a little cat".
The boy not satisfied with her answer goes to the garage looking for his dad, he asks him "I asked my mom what pussy and bitch mean and I think she lied to me".
The father says "I told you not to go to your mom with such questions" he gets on his knee and starts drawing on the floor. He draws a female body, then a draws a circle around the private area. Then he explained "do you see this circled area? This is the pussy. And the bitch is everything else."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gdd26/nsfw_a_boy_learns_two_new_words_in_school/
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A man with Marfan syndrome walks into a bar...

The barman says, 'why the long face?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gdcb3/a_man_with_marfan_syndrome_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede?

Bacon and scrambled legs.
Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gdbq1/what_do_you_call_a_pig_mixed_with_a_centipede/
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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gdb41/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
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Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gdare/why_do_women_rub_their_eyes_when_they_get_up_in/
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To make it stand, I have to wet it; to make it wet, I have to suck it; to make it stiff, I have lick it; and to get it in, I have to push it...

... Threading a needle isn't easy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gdaf9/to_make_it_stand_i_have_to_wet_it_to_make_it_wet/
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I went fishing and caught a bass, a catfish and a hammerfer.

What's a hammerfer? Fer driving nails.
My 8year old friend thinks this is the greatest joke, I thought so too when I was his age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gd7ox/i_went_fishing_and_caught_a_bass_a_catfish_and_a/
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What is a mainstream media award for accurate, fair and even-handed journalism called?

A pink slip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gd6kb/what_is_a_mainstream_media_award_for_accurate/
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What do you call a robotic dog

A cybork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gd6j1/what_do_you_call_a_robotic_dog/
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How did the man get people to watch his house for free

He left the WiFi on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gd2qn/how_did_the_man_get_people_to_watch_his_house_for/
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What happens if you skip school in Middle-Earth?

You shall not pass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gczbm/what_happens_if_you_skip_school_in_middleearth/
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What Superhero group would Caitlyn Jenner be apart of?

The X-Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcy8a/what_superhero_group_would_caitlyn_jenner_be/
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Did you hear about the guy that got cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0k now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcy02/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_got_cooled_to/
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The past, present, and future walk into a bar

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcxyf/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why did Larry and Curly apply for security clearance?

Because they were going to Gitmo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcxg3/why_did_larry_and_curly_apply_for_security/
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What did the potato chip say to the battery?

If you're Ever-Ready I'm Frito-Lay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcx28/what_did_the_potato_chip_say_to_the_battery/
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You must be a Tony Hawk game

because when I'm with you, I'm Neversoft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcuym/you_must_be_a_tony_hawk_game/
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Lick That!

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.
"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.
"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.
"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcugw/lick_that/
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Why don't programmers like nature?

It has too many bugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcu04/why_dont_programmers_like_nature/
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Why are archers good at building planes?

Because they're experts in arrow dynamics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcpw7/why_are_archers_good_at_building_planes/
%
A piece of tarmac was arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!" 2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner. A hush falls over the bar. Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace. "Hey guys, whose the hardest?" "We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcovz/a_piece_of_tarmac_was_arguing_with_a_stone_in_a/
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A college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The only catch was the story had to include three subjects:
1: Religion
2: Sexuality
3: Mystery
Below is the only A* essay.
"Good god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcoo0/a_college_class_was_asked_to_write_a_short_story/
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[nsfw] whats the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcmdi/nsfw_whats_the_definition_of_trust/
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Where do you take a dog when it loses its tail?

The veterinarian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcks3/where_do_you_take_a_dog_when_it_loses_its_tail/
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What do you get when you cross a Kangaroo and an Elephant?

A letter from the Scientific Ethics Committee and a withdrawl of your grant money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gck7m/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_kangaroo_and_an/
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My friend and I sometimes laugh at how competitive we are.

I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gck4x/my_friend_and_i_sometimes_laugh_at_how/
%
To be fair Theresa May warned of a coalition of chaos propped up by extremist terrorist sympathisers

She just didn't say she'd be leading it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcj5c/to_be_fair_theresa_may_warned_of_a_coalition_of/
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My son won't play with the Ouija board I got him.

I even tried it by his grave-nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcir2/my_son_wont_play_with_the_ouija_board_i_got_him/
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How many animals can you fit in a pair of women's pantyhose?

Fifteen:
Ten little piggies, two calves, an ass, a beaver, and a dead fish no one can find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcioi/how_many_animals_can_you_fit_in_a_pair_of_womens/
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What did the classical-only DJ say?

If it ain't baroque, don't mix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gchl9/what_did_the_classicalonly_dj_say/
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3 guys walk into a bar...

Guy 1: Oh boy, I'm not drinking with you fellas. Last time I drank with you I got in trouble with the wife. Her parents were home for the night and when I got home I blew chunks in the living room in front of them.
Guy 2: That's nothing! When I got home my wife's mother was over and instead of sleeping with me wife I slept with her mother!
Guy 3: Well when I last drunk with you fellas I got home, My wife was with her friend who was getting married and I spewed all over the dress.
Guy 1: Fellas you don't understand... Chunks is my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gch1g/3_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you get when you cross a mobster and his best friend?

You get your legs fucking broken, you prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcdx7/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mobster_and_his/
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Twin boys are selected for an experiment.

They were similar in almost every way except one was an eternal optimist and the other an eternal pessimist.
As part of the experiment, the doctor filled the pessimist 's room with every wonderful toy imaginable, and conversely, filled the optimist's room with horse manure.  He then let the boys into their respective rooms and waited.
After a period of time, he walked into the pessimist's room.  There he was, among all those toys, wailing loudly.  The doctor asked him what was wrong and the pessimist cried out "I broke one of the toys already, and that one needs batteries, and I don't know how to play with that one and that one isn't the right color!" The doctor slowly shook his head and walked out.
He then walked into the optimist's room, and the little boy was happily throwing poop in the air, yelling "Whoopee!"  The doctor asked the boy why he was so happy.
The boy replied "With all this poop in here, there's gotta be a pony in here somewhere!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcdap/twin_boys_are_selected_for_an_experiment/
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A lady walks into a bar...

...and she orders a double entendre.
The bartender gives it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcc3n/a_lady_walks_into_a_bar/
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I can't decide whether to be a communist or capitalist...

Second world problems

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcb88/i_cant_decide_whether_to_be_a_communist_or/
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Keeping up with the UK election

When Salmond lost his seat, I was there with a salmon sandwich.
When they wheeled out Edwina Currie, I tucked into the Tikka Masala.
Here's to hoping my boyfriend gets back before Ed Balls comes on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcb1j/keeping_up_with_the_uk_election/
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What is a Canadian's favorite board game?

Sorry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gcasu/what_is_a_canadians_favorite_board_game/
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How I got out of an abusive marriage

I stopped hitting my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gc8mt/how_i_got_out_of_an_abusive_marriage/
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My teacher once told me that success never comes before work...

I'll definitely pay him a visit after I make a fortune selling dictionaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gc6i9/my_teacher_once_told_me_that_success_never_comes/
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How did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gc559/how_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish...

I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish. When she got to my place, she asked if we could just masturbate to some foot porn together instead of having sex. It wasn't what I had in mind, but I agreed anyway. At the end of it, both of us felt pretty disgusted by the whole thing, and she started getting dressed to leave without a word.
"Wait!", I said. "Why don't you stay awhile and we'll try again later?"
To my surprise, she obliged. Things went a lot better the second time and she ended up staying the night.
The next morning, she asked me why I thought the first time went so poorly.
"I don't know", I replied. "I guess we just got off on the wrong foot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gc4sh/i_met_up_with_this_girl_the_other_night_that_also/
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How did Matthew McConaughey jerk off after he broke his left hand?

All right, all right, all right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gc0g2/how_did_matthew_mcconaughey_jerk_off_after_he/
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Comey: He's guilty

Democrats: He's guilty
Trump: I'm guilty
Republicans: We may never get to the bottom of this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gc04w/comey_hes_guilty/
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Bin Laden and Bush just started playing chess...

and Bush already lost two towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gbyyl/bin_laden_and_bush_just_started_playing_chess/
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There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gby1r/there_was_a_man_who_entered_a_local_newspapers/
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Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gbx6a/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches_long/
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Leaving work, my coworker said, "Hasta lasagna!"

I replied, "Pasta la vista!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gbwgx/leaving_work_my_coworker_said_hasta_lasagna/
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I applied for a job at Hooters...

They handed me a bra and asked me to fill it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gbsla/i_applied_for_a_job_at_hooters/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Running ..
JK Rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gbqcr/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
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My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gboqi/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
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You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you’re going to pay.

-
You have my Word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gbokq/you_stole_my_microsoft_office_and_for_that_youre/
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What do you call a British circle jerk?

A Union Jack-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gbo83/what_do_you_call_a_british_circle_jerk/
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One mans life mission

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gbmj0/one_mans_life_mission/
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My grandfather said, "If I ever get alzheimer's I'll kill myself"

I said "I know gramps, you told me that already"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gbm2t/my_grandfather_said_if_i_ever_get_alzheimers_ill/
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Why are there fences near every graveyard ?

Because people are dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gb308/why_are_there_fences_near_every_graveyard/
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If orange is the new black

That would explain all the Trump hate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gb1fq/if_orange_is_the_new_black/
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What's better than seeing a woman wrestle??

Seeing her box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gb1c8/whats_better_than_seeing_a_woman_wrestle/
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I like myself like I like my US presidents

I just really fucking hate myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gb0l1/i_like_myself_like_i_like_my_us_presidents/
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Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.

If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gaz1f/many_people_are_surprised_by_the_engagement_of/
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"What makes you qualified to be a waiter"

I feel like I bring a lot to the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gayyr/what_makes_you_qualified_to_be_a_waiter/
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Three guys find a lamp...

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
Stole this joke from /u/Ruft in another subreddit, had to post it here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gawo0/three_guys_find_a_lamp/
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If i was caught fapping in an airplane....

Am i highjacking???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gav55/if_i_was_caught_fapping_in_an_airplane/
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My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes

Grandma did always have a soft spot for ho-made products.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gav10/my_grandmother_was_excited_to_hear_that_some/
%
Why did the programmer talk to his boss?

Because he wanted arrays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gam95/why_did_the_programmer_talk_to_his_boss/
%
What is the hardest job in China?

A police sketch artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6galmm/what_is_the_hardest_job_in_china/
%
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One 70-year-old says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."
An 80-year-old says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90-year-old says, "At seven I pee like a horse. At eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gaii9/three_old_men_are_talking_about_their_aches_pains/
%
I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, And the end of every place. What am I?

The letter 'e'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gagvo/i_am_the_beginning_of_eternity_the_end_of_time/
%
Did you hear about the time Donald Trump made James Comey have lunch with him?

I heard it was a presidential man-date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gafsx/did_you_hear_about_the_time_donald_trump_made/
%
Never get in a serious relationship with a tennis player.

Because love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gafku/never_get_in_a_serious_relationship_with_a_tennis/
%
Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gafgw/wife_stop_pretending_your_life_is_a_youtube_video/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates.

It's expensive and finished far too quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gafan/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
The secret of quantum teleportation is simple...

...but it's a secret.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6gadnb/the_secret_of_quantum_teleportation_is_simple/
%
Two openings 4 me

I Received a call from a recruitment consultancy.
She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!"
I replied : Yes. I know.
There was a long silence and then she said.....
Asshole!
Then I said,  I prefer the other one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ga984/two_openings_4_me/
%
A few guys are drinking at a bar.

A few guys are drinking at a bar when a drunk guy walks in, staggers up to them, and then points to one of them, shouting "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone is expecting a fight, but the guy he pointed at ignores him, so the drunk leaves and goes to the other side of the bar.
Fifteen minutes later, the drunk comes back and says, "I just did your mom, and man, was it hot!" The guy again refuses to fight, so the drunk wanders off again.
Fifteen minutes later, the drunk comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy responds. "Go home Dad, you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ga8va/a_few_guys_are_drinking_at_a_bar/
%
A new recruit in the Navy was being put through the paces by an experienced captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the recruit replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ga80a/a_new_recruit_in_the_navy_was_being_put_through/
%
What's furry and contains cat shit?

A cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ga5p8/whats_furry_and_contains_cat_shit/
%
How do we call a broken can opener?

A can't opener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ga556/how_do_we_call_a_broken_can_opener/
%
Argon walks into a bar

The bartender says
>"Argon your not welcome here GET OUT now"
Argon doesnt react

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ga4ny/argon_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call the greatest royalty of Vietnamese noodle soup?

The best PhoKing you'll ever know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ga1ht/what_do_you_call_the_greatest_royalty_of/
%
Reddit reminds me of 1849

Everyone is searching for gold, but few actually get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ga13z/reddit_reminds_me_of_1849/
%
A Lawyer Walks into a Bar

A lawyer walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter one iota."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No shit!?! What law firm do you work for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ga0i0/a_lawyer_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Friend: What the fuck is Minecraft?

Me: Hitler's lesser known second book about his love of knitting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g9zy5/friend_what_the_fuck_is_minecraft/
%
Post Your Chuck Norris Jokes Here

Chuck Norris got shot. We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g9ye8/post_your_chuck_norris_jokes_here/
%
A guy brings his girlfriend a bouquet of flowers

"Well I guess I'll have to spread my legs now" she says.
Guy says "What for!? Don't you have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g9wgk/a_guy_brings_his_girlfriend_a_bouquet_of_flowers/
%
And that's how the fight started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have  Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,  'Is that your final  answer?'
She didn't even look  at me this time, simply saying,  'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g9pzd/and_thats_how_the_fight_started/
%
Where do Italian gangsters live?

In the spaghetto.
PS: credits to my girlfriend who came up with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g9nss/where_do_italian_gangsters_live/
%
What kind of bee makes milk?

A boo-bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g9l0x/what_kind_of_bee_makes_milk/
%
Pigeon Droppings

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g9jh8/pigeon_droppings/
%
Polish sausage

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g9if2/polish_sausage/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last very long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g9fvm/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Where does a dog go when he loses his tail?

A retail store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g9ew4/where_does_a_dog_go_when_he_loses_his_tail/
%
My name is Mark

So recently I lost all of my friends, my job, and My wife. I would like to give my story.
Essentially it was a normal day, I was cleaning the dishes from the dishes I was making prior . I was experimenting with new recipes for my chef job, and then my wife's friend knocks on the door. "Hi mark its about Christina" my mind begins racing. What happened to her. It turns it she was coming home after work when a truck ran a red and T-Boned her. So I rush down to the hospital and I see her one last time before her operation, the doctor tells me it's unlikely she'll live. I hear the news the next day. She died from internal bleeding. I was so distraught, then came the funeral day. Held at 10 AM. She was in her casket. I went up to the podium to say some words. But right then I popped a boner. I don't know why. Was I still attracted to her even though she was dead? That's what everyone seemed to think. The rumour spread quickly. Soon I was outcast as a monster, and it was all because of my mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g9c1f/my_name_is_mark/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g9bhv/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
I got a boner at my grandfather's funeral...

His death has been very hard on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g99hu/i_got_a_boner_at_my_grandfathers_funeral/
%
Theory vs. Reality

A son asks his father what the difference between theory and reality is.
The father says go ask your mother if she would sleep with the neighbor for 1 million dollars, then go ask your sister the same question and tell me what they say.
The son returns and says, "they both said they would do it!"
The father replies, "ok son, in theory we are sitting on 2 million dollars, in reality we live with a couple of sluts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g98av/theory_vs_reality/
%
Size Matters

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms.
"Yes we do," he says. "Would you like to buy some?"
"No," she replies. "But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g91lx/size_matters/
%
im giving up alcohol for a month

Oops, I meant "I'm giving up; alcohol for a month!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g90fn/im_giving_up_alcohol_for_a_month/
%
Millennials wont get this

vaccines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g8y6w/millennials_wont_get_this/
%
What did the frat guy say when the other frat guy offered him a pamphlet?

Brochure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g8ws4/what_did_the_frat_guy_say_when_the_other_frat_guy/
%
What did the Mexican hangman serve his victims as a last meal?

Pico de Gallows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g8wnp/what_did_the_mexican_hangman_serve_his_victims_as/
%
When do you have the right to kick a midget in the balls?

When he says your girlfriend's hair smells nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g8uqp/when_do_you_have_the_right_to_kick_a_midget_in/
%
Isn't a hung parliament a good thing ?

I mean it is their job to fuck people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g8tfz/isnt_a_hung_parliament_a_good_thing/
%
A tall guy walks into a bar

that's what he gets for being tall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g8t18/a_tall_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call an erection at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g8qrg/what_do_you_call_an_erection_at_a_funeral/
%
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"

He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g8n5a/wife_says_to_her_husband_choose_either_me_or_the/
%
I was wondering why my computer was getting so hot.

I guess it just needed to vent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g8l28/i_was_wondering_why_my_computer_was_getting_so_hot/
%
I like my men just how I like my women

That's it, I'm bisexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g8j0z/i_like_my_men_just_how_i_like_my_women/
%
Important things in Life.

I had a power cut at my house this morning.
My PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, Ipad and new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was dead.
To top it off, it was raining so I couldn’t go for a walk, bike, or run. The garage door opener needed electricity so I couldn’t go anywhere in the car.
I went to the kitchen to make coffee and then remembered this also needed power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g8j0a/important_things_in_life/
%
What does Zeus wear under his clothes?

Thunderwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g8ft8/what_does_zeus_wear_under_his_clothes/
%
[NSFW] There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

There was a fly buzzing around above a river.
&nbsp;
There was a trout in the river watching the fly thinking, "If that fly would drop down about a foot I could jump up and I'd have dinner."
&nbsp;
On the shore there was a bear watching the trout watch the fly.  The bear was thinking, "If that fly would drop down about a foot that trout would jump and then I could catch the trout and I'd have dinner."
&nbsp;
Down the shore there was a hunter watching the bear watch the trout watch the fly thinking, "If that fly would drop down the trout would jump, the bear would lunge and I'd have a perfect shot and I'd have dinner."
&nbsp;
On the ground there was a mouse watching the hunter watch the bear watch the trout watch the fly thinking, "If that fly would drop down the trout would jump, the bear would lunge, the hunter would lean forward to take a shot and that sandwich would fall out of his pocket and I'd have dinner."
&nbsp;
In the weeds there was a cat watching the mouse watch the hunter watch the bear watch the trout watch the fly thinking, "If that fly would drop down the trout would jump, the bear would lunge, the hunter would lean forward to take a shot, the sandwich would fall out of his pocket, the mouse would run out to get it and I'd pounce on the mouse and I'd have dinner."
&nbsp;
About that time the fly dropped down, the trout jumped, the bear lunged, the hunter leaned forward to take a shot, the sandwich fell out of his pocket, the mouse ran out to get the sandwich and the cat pounced and landed on a wet rock and slipped and went right into the river.
&nbsp;
You know what the moral of the story is?
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
A lot of shit has got to happen for a pussy to get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g8cm0/nsfw_there_was_a_fly_buzzing_around_above_a_river/
%
What do you call an unexpected gifts store?

Present Supplies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g8apf/what_do_you_call_an_unexpected_gifts_store/
%
Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pants pocket??

So he could run a hand through his hair!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g89f8/why_did_the_bald_guy_cut_a_hole_in_his_pants/
%
A man broke the Guinness World Record by playing the same piano key 1,000 times in 1 minute

He then went home and broke the world record for most satisfied girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g88l1/a_man_broke_the_guinness_world_record_by_playing/
%
I stormed into my boss's office and demanded to know why I had been overlooked for the position of Head of Accounting..

He replied, "Because you're the fucking janitor, Steve."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g872p/i_stormed_into_my_bosss_office_and_demanded_to/
%
Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’,
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and  demands an explanation.
‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you order?’
The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise’
‘Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g833n/chicken_surprise/
%
A friend of mine was finally able to kick his painkiller habit.

Now he's OxyClean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g81wr/a_friend_of_mine_was_finally_able_to_kick_his/
%
The resuce expedition

The rescue expedition have been sent to find a plane which crashed somewhere deep within the jungle.
There was no success, but members of the expedition haven't lost faith until the end. When they finally found the place of the disaster, they saw a horrific picture. Burnt-out trees, parts of the plane crushed and scattered around, all the luggage... No trace of the victims of the accident though.
Then, at the top of the conflagration, they noticed a bearded, half naked man, leaning against a tree. He was busy gnawing a big bone. When he finished sucking all the marrow, he threw it on the huge stack of similar, clean bones under his feet. Noticing the members of the expedition he shouted with relief "My god, I am saved! Miracle you guys reached here."
The expedition was more interested about the area of the crash. Over time, the truth about the terrible things that had to happen was coming to them. It looked like rescued man had to eat bodies of every companion. Seeing silent accusation in the eyes of the rescuers, he yelled hysterically: "You can't judge me because of that! Is it bad that I wanted to survive?"
The head of the expedition declaimed: "We won't judge you on what you have done to survive, but fuck man, that plane crashed yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7xn4/the_resuce_expedition/
%
Frieza is cool, but his brother is Cooler.

Haha, this joke is Tarble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7xhj/frieza_is_cool_but_his_brother_is_cooler/
%
Irishman and the fire

Firemen receive a call that the local bar is on fire.  They rush over to the local bar and sure enough, the whole bar is aflame.
They sweep into the burning bar to check for survivors and find a man face down on the floor.  They pull him from the flames, soot-ridden and unconscious, they slap him awake.
"What happened!  How did the fire start?!" they ask him.
"How should I know?" says the Irishman.  "It was already on fire when I went in.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7xbo/irishman_and_the_fire/
%
Wanna hear a joke about paper ?

It's tearable :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7x4v/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_paper/
%
I'm hung like ..

.. parliament.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7vg1/im_hung_like/
%
Son, what do you have to say after your first tooth has fallen out?

"To not to piss you off anymore or more will fly?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7upp/son_what_do_you_have_to_say_after_your_first/
%
What is the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7sj2/what_is_the_difference_between_russia_and_reality/
%
Three guys were on the roof of a burning building...[Long]

The fire fighters show up with a huge net for them to jump onto. The fire fighters shout up to one of the guys, "HEY JUMP AND WE'll CATCH YOU!" So one of the guys jumps, and the fire fighters quickly move the net and the guy hits the ground with a loud SPLAT.
They have a laugh then shout to the next guy, "HEY JUMP AND WE'll CATCH YOU!" The second guy says, "NO, I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO THE FIRST GUY."
One fire fighter shouts, "HE WAS MY NEIGHBOR AND I HATED HIM, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT." So the guy decides to jump, and the fire fighters quickly move the net. The guy hits the ground with a loud SPLAT.
The fire fighters now shout to the last guy, "HEY JUMP AND WE'll CATCH YOU!"
The guy shouts back, "I'M NOT STUPID! I'VE SEEN WHAT YOU DID TO THE OTHER TWO GUYS. PUT THE NET ON THE GROUND AND MOVE AWAY!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7rps/three_guys_were_on_the_roof_of_a_burning/
%
A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same...

Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7qg4/a_bag_of_frito_lays_and_a_bra_are_the_same/
%
Castro's proctologist had a nickname

They called him 'The In Fidel'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7o4e/castros_proctologist_had_a_nickname/
%
This place I know of makes some AMAZING wedding cakes

I hear they put in a lot of blood, sweat and tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7nye/this_place_i_know_of_makes_some_amazing_wedding/
%
A security guard was working at a train station..

It was late and the train station was very quiet. Apart from him there was no one else in the station but one other security guard.
Half way through his shift a man came strolling into the station. Noticing the security guard he made his way over to him.
The security guard greeted the man with a friendly nod.
"E-ex-excuse-se-se m-m-me" he stammered
"Wa-wa-when i-is the-a ne-ext tra-tra-train?-?"
The security guard looked to the man and without responding looking the other way.
The man was miffed for a moment but then asked again.
"E-ex-excuse-se-se m-m-me!-! Wa-wa-when i-is the-a ne-ext tra-tra-train?-?"
Again the security guard looked at the man and with a sigh he looked away.
Getting fed up with the rudeness he tried again the agitation showing in his stammering voice.
"WA-WA-WHEN I-IS THE-A NE-EXT TRA-TRAIN?!-?!"
The security guard with a frustrated look on his face again looked at the man and looked away.
The man obviously fed up walked away in a huff.
The other security guard, who had been watching the scene take place from the other side of the station, walked up to his colleague.
"Mate!" He said
"What's your problem! That was very rude!"
Looking to the his colleague he said.
"D-DO YA-YOU WA-WANT MA-MA-ME TA-TO GE-ET PU-UNCHED I-IN THE-A FA-FACE!!-!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7np4/a_security_guard_was_working_at_a_train_station/
%
My 7 year old sister just told me this

Friend: Why do people call you a carrot?
Me: Because I do not *carrot* all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7lyp/my_7_year_old_sister_just_told_me_this/
%
If Katniss and Peta from the Hunger Games had a ship

Would it be KatPee? Or Penis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7k9v/if_katniss_and_peta_from_the_hunger_games_had_a/
%
I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7he9/im_not_sure_i_believe_all_this_stuff_about/
%
Why was the couple so juicy?

Because it was a great pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7g3n/why_was_the_couple_so_juicy/
%
When is the beginning of June also the end of May?

When it's the UK general election

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7fpv/when_is_the_beginning_of_june_also_the_end_of_may/
%
Why did the shark tell the fish he wouldn't eat it?

Because he was being sharkastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7erh/why_did_the_shark_tell_the_fish_he_wouldnt_eat_it/
%
Sex is like politics.

I don't understand it, but I pretend to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g7c9l/sex_is_like_politics/
%
The king of the jungle

A gorilla was walking through the jungle
when he came across a deer eating grass in a
clearing. The gorilla
roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?'and the deer
replied,
'Oh, you are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he
came across a zebra drinking at
a water hole. The gorilla roared,
'Who is the king of the jungle?'
and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you
are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across
an elephant. 'Who
is the king of the jungle?' he roared. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him. The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g773a/the_king_of_the_jungle/
%
What do you call women firefighters?

Firehoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g76iv/what_do_you_call_women_firefighters/
%
Just been banned from a Christian dating website.

Apparently "Hung_Like_Jesus" isn't an appropriate user name!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g75i5/just_been_banned_from_a_christian_dating_website/
%
Why was the snowman smiling?

Because the snow blower was coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g74lv/why_was_the_snowman_smiling/
%
I like my parliment how I like my men...

Hung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g73cz/i_like_my_parliment_how_i_like_my_men/
%
Do you know why a farmer fucks his sheep on the edge of a cliff?

It's so the sheep pushes back!
*George Carlin*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6zug/do_you_know_why_a_farmer_fucks_his_sheep_on_the/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute...

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6zbj/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
I was diagnosed with color blindness just an hour ago.

It came right out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6vuq/i_was_diagnosed_with_color_blindness_just_an_hour/
%
Why can't DJs swim?

Because they sync

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6uwn/why_cant_djs_swim/
%
How do you make dill bread?

Dildo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6t48/how_do_you_make_dill_bread/
%
What do you call a Swedish assassin?

Jason Bjorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6sne/what_do_you_call_a_swedish_assassin/
%
"Daddy, am I adopted?"

Not yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6s6h/daddy_am_i_adopted/
%
A Russian hooker is knocking all night long on Trump's door...

In the morning, he was tired of it, so he let her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6p1b/a_russian_hooker_is_knocking_all_night_long_on/
%
Trump receives a message

Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Trump  was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American  programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the FBI.
The Director of the FBI suggested Trump should turn the message upside down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6llg/trump_receives_a_message/
%
Two whales walk into a bar. One goes 'eeeeoouuwwwwweewew!'

The other goes 'Fred, you're drunk.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6jpe/two_whales_walk_into_a_bar_one_goes/
%
Egos are like penises...

Once they get inflated they need to be stroked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6gi2/egos_are_like_penises/
%
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said

A black guy would probadly rob me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6dsf/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_racist_thing_i_said/
%
Explaining politics to a kid

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The Nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your Baby Brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother
crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper; So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeps in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.  He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"
The father says, "Great son!  Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The president is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep.  The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6djc/explaining_politics_to_a_kid/
%
They say Islam is a religion of peace...

It certainly is.
One piece over here, one piece over there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6d4z/they_say_islam_is_a_religion_of_peace/
%
What do you call an Islamic militant Shakespeare?

The Allahu Ak-Bard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6c9p/what_do_you_call_an_islamic_militant_shakespeare/
%
The Russian election system

Where citizens choose between Vladimir Putin or a KGB firing squad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6bgz/the_russian_election_system/
%
Is diarrhea genetic?

yes it runs in the jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g6ayb/is_diarrhea_genetic/
%
A yoga instructor killed a student before class started

He's being charged with pre-meditation murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g68o0/a_yoga_instructor_killed_a_student_before_class/
%
A husband says his wife's ass look like an old washing machine

A husband, thinking about his younger wife, says to his her "You're ass looks like an old washing machine these days." She ignores him. That evening in bed the husband is getting frisky and nudges his wife. She rolls over and says "I'm not starting up this old washing machine for that small load, you're going to do it by hand".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g62zj/a_husband_says_his_wifes_ass_look_like_an_old/
%
Most people say Jesus isn't Jewish...

But he is. 30, single, living with his parents, working his father's job and his mother saying he's the son of God, of course he's Jewish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g62ve/most_people_say_jesus_isnt_jewish/
%
A few old couples used to get together to talk about life

They had a good time. One day, one of the men, Harry, started talking about a fantastic restaurant. He went to this restaurant the other night with his wife.
“Really?” one of the men said, “What’s it called?”
Harry thinks for a few seconds and says, “What are those good-smelling flowers called again?”
“Do you mean roses?” the first man asked.
“Yes that’s it!” and he looked at his wife and shouted, “Rose! What’s the name of the restaurant we went to the other night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g627d/a_few_old_couples_used_to_get_together_to_talk/
%
One day in class...

The teacher called 3 native boys and asked which tribe they were from.  The first boy said "I am Souix".  The second boy said " I am Cherokee".  The third boy said "I am Fukowi". Confused, the teacher asked "How do you know?"  The boy responded "I was walking with my father on a mountain top, when he stopped, looked around and said 'We're the Fukawi'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g627a/one_day_in_class/
%
Sonny, sonny, what's the name of that German that hides our things around the house?

Alzheimer, granny, Alzheimer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5yvx/sonny_sonny_whats_the_name_of_that_german_that/
%
Did you hear about the scientist that froze himself to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5ucm/did_you_hear_about_the_scientist_that_froze/
%
Why are the twin towers and genders so similar?

Because there use to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5ttr/why_are_the_twin_towers_and_genders_so_similar/
%
What's the worst advice you can give someone with HIV?

Stay positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5s53/whats_the_worst_advice_you_can_give_someone_with/
%
Physics jokes are like spherical chickens...

...they work in theory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5qjh/physics_jokes_are_like_spherical_chickens/
%
It takes a lot of nails to put together a crib

But it only takes one screw to fill it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5op5/it_takes_a_lot_of_nails_to_put_together_a_crib/
%
What is Arnold Schwarzenegger now that he's not an actor?

An exterminator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5omz/what_is_arnold_schwarzenegger_now_that_hes_not_an/
%
Mad Cow Disease

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5o5w/mad_cow_disease/
%
Yesterday in karate class whenever we were supposed to punch left I punched right

.... *long pause*
"What?"
"Idk I always mess up the punch line"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5n6g/yesterday_in_karate_class_whenever_we_were/
%
A man goes to his psychiatrist ...

Doc, I know we covered it last time, but I keep having the same twisted dream every night. In these dreams I'm a sexual deviant, practicing sadism, necrophilia,  and bestiality.  Am I going crazy, or am I just beating a dead horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5moe/a_man_goes_to_his_psychiatrist/
%
Free Sex with Fill-Up

There was this gas station trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged - my wife won twice last week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5mcz/free_sex_with_fillup/
%
The was once a man with a 15 inch penis.

The man, however, isn't happy with it, because his wife says it hurts. Distraught, he goes on a walk, where he meets a leprechaun. The leprechaun, feeling generous and knowing of his problem (because leprechauns are all-knowing) agrees to shrinking his penis by 3 inches if he can get the hottest girl in town to tell him no.  The man agrees, walks up to the girl and tells her, "Hey, baby... Wanna fuck?" The woman, disgusted, replies, "What? No!"
The man goes home with a 12 inch penis, but he's still not satisfied. Wanting 3 inches less, he goes over to the girl and once again asks, "Come on... You don't wanna fuck?". "I said no!"
As so, the man now has a 9 inch penis, which he finds still too long. Thinking a 6 inch penis would be enough, he walks over to the girl one last time. "This is the last time I'm asking... You wanna fuck?"
"For the last time, creep! No, no, and no!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5k3q/the_was_once_a_man_with_a_15_inch_penis/
%
Her name was Carmen...

Carmen is invited to a party, and decides to go solo.  Once there, she quickly discovers she doesn't know anyone, and moves to the bar to grab a drink.  Scoping out the partiers in the hopes of finding someone she knows, she spots a good looking young man in the corner, also all alone.  She approaches him and introduces herself.  "Hi, I'm Carmen".
"What a beautiful name," he says.  "Is that a family name?"
"No, it's simply the combination of the two things I like most," she say, "Cars and men.  Carmen.  What's your name?"
And he says "Well, if that's the case, my name is BJ.  BJ Titsengolf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5jlx/her_name_was_carmen/
%
Why was the gay security guard fired from the sperm bank?

He was caught drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5ji1/why_was_the_gay_security_guard_fired_from_the/
%
A boy told his teacher he wanted to be Santa.

"Why so? It seems like a lot of work." said the teacher.
"Because Santa knows where all the naughty girls live."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5iua/a_boy_told_his_teacher_he_wanted_to_be_santa/
%
A girl goes to a Church to confess.....[Long]

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5i97/a_girl_goes_to_a_church_to_confesslong/
%
What did the clock do when it was hungry?

It went back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g59d7/what_did_the_clock_do_when_it_was_hungry/
%
You aren't going to guess who is the most beautiful person in the world

Read the first two words.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g589f/you_arent_going_to_guess_who_is_the_most/
%
If you decided to put your life in Jesus' hands

Remember that he has a hole in each of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g56oq/if_you_decided_to_put_your_life_in_jesus_hands/
%
A woman was in her physician's office when she suddenly asked him to kiss her

He replies, "I can't, that would be against my code of ethics"
Twenty minutes went by and the woman again pleaded for him to kiss her. Once more he refused, explaining as a doctor he simply could not.
After another 15 minutes passed, the woman begged him again.
"Look, I'm sorry. I just can't kiss you. In fact," he sighed, "I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g54w3/a_woman_was_in_her_physicians_office_when_she/
%
I gave the pet store $20

Mitch better have my bunny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g52ny/i_gave_the_pet_store_20/
%
A pirate walks into the doctors office with a steering wheel on his penis

The Doctor asks "Sir, doesn't that hurt?"
and the Pirate replies "Aye, it be driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g5034/a_pirate_walks_into_the_doctors_office_with_a/
%
What's the difference between racism and Amy Schumer?

Amy Schumer is not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g4xgr/whats_the_difference_between_racism_and_amy/
%
What Do You Call Nazis With A Speech Impediment?

The Alt-White.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g4ui1/what_do_you_call_nazis_with_a_speech_impediment/
%
A man gets rescued after spending his whole life on a desert island.

(this one is very long, be warned)
He was stranded on the island as a little boy, he knows how to speak but he knows nothing about the wonders of the modern world. Him and his family were thought to have perished in a freak yacht accident, nobody ever found the yacht. He somehow managed to survive all these years by eating coconuts and berry's and probably catching some fish or whatever.
Anyway... a few moments after his rescue, the man is already famous. The story of his unusual situation spreads quickly around the country, he gets named "the Robinson Crusoe boy" by the newspapers (These newspapers and their lack of imagination when naming things, jeez.)
The guys hometown (from before he got stranded) has decided to throw him an awesome welcoming ceremony. The mayor is going to have a speech, and there will be a large cake and probably some ribbon to cut and whatnot. The authorities are going to give the guy a decent house to live in. Some toilet cleaning company is going to give him a job. Everybody wants to do something nice for the Robinson Crusoe boy.
Anyway.. he mayor has ordered his own personal driver to go pick the guy up at the docks and bring him to the party. The driver is known to be quite the prankster and decides that since Robinson Crusoe boy knows nothing of modern civilization, there must be some cool pranks that can be pulled.
The driver arrives at the docks, driving the limo (mayors ride in limo's right?) and picks the guy up. As they are driving, Robinson Crusoe boy is looking out the windows, looking at the buildings and cars and whatnot. His eyes are wide with amazement. "WOW, this is all so amazing. I cant believe my eyes." The driver smiles "Err, yea I guess.. whatever".
Suddenly the driver has a wonderful idea on how to prank the Robinson Crusoe boy. The next time he sees a pedestrian on the road he starts revving the car, swerving towards the pedestrian but just at the last minute swerves away, barely missing the walking person. "Goddamit, the fucker got away!". Robinson Crusoe boy seems surprised but doesn't say anything.
The driver decides to pull the prank again and when he sees another pedestrian he starts revving the car, swerving to another near miss. "Goddamit! missed again." He looks back at Robinson Crusoe boy and say's with a grin "This just aint my day man". Robinson Crusoe boy's jaw is wide open, as are his eyes. He has had a surprised look since they started moving but now his eyes really seem to be coming out of his head. The driver is laughing so hard on the inside, everyone is going to find this so funny when he tells them at the party.
He decides to have one more go. He starts swerving and revving. Heads straight toward an old lady who is walking across the street with her dog (its a pomeranian, in case you were wondering). At the last minute the driver swerves away but as he passes the old lady he hears a loud bang. The driver looks on terrified as he watches the old lady and her dog flying through the air (they both died later, im sorry).
With panic on his face and tears forming in his eyes the driver looks back at Robinson Crusoe boy who is all smiles. He half yells in an exited voice "Did you see that man! I nailed her with the door!" He nudges the driver with his elbow smiling "looks like this might just be your day after all, huh!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g4tfe/a_man_gets_rescued_after_spending_his_whole_life/
%
I don't always neuter my animals...

But when I do...
I take dos testes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g4msv/i_dont_always_neuter_my_animals/
%
A young lad decided to ask his girlfriend to prom.

It was the end of the year, and a young lad decided to ask his girlfriend to prom.
Of course she wanted to go; dressing up, music, dancing, and showing off her boyfriend.
So he went to wait in line to buy tickets.
He needed some formal wear, so he went out shopping, found the right suit, and waited in line to pay.
He also wanted to do something spectacular, so he goes to a rent a limo for their big night. Again, waiting in line until he can make his request, and pay.
The day of prom comes and he wants to be traditional. He goes to the flower shop to pick up a corsage for his lady. It was prom season, and flowers were in high demand, so the line was long.
He picks up his girlfriend, they take pictures and go to prom. Of course, with lots of people in an enclosed area with lots of dancing, it gets warm.
He tells her he's going to get drinks, and asked if she wanted a drink as well. Of course she agrees.
He goes and gets the drinks and comes back in just a moment.
There was no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g4m1t/a_young_lad_decided_to_ask_his_girlfriend_to_prom/
%
TIL It's a myth that people's joints hurt because it's cold and damp

Turns out it's just a mist ache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g4leh/til_its_a_myth_that_peoples_joints_hurt_because/
%
I asked a friend whether old men wear briefs or boxers.

He said depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g4l52/i_asked_a_friend_whether_old_men_wear_briefs_or/
%
In Canada, we don't call the homeless homeless...

We call them "three seasoners".
They don't make it through the fourth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g4l3k/in_canada_we_dont_call_the_homeless_homeless/
%
Why does Donald Trump have bad hair?

He fired his comb-y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g4j0j/why_does_donald_trump_have_bad_hair/
%
If you ever find yourself having a problem in Harlem

Find a group of guys and look at them for a few minutes. They will then ask you what your problem is..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g4i54/if_you_ever_find_yourself_having_a_problem_in/
%
What do you call the strongest dinosaur whoever lived?

Extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g4cty/what_do_you_call_the_strongest_dinosaur_whoever/
%
I would tell you a chemistry joke

But I know I won't get a reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g4cft/i_would_tell_you_a_chemistry_joke/
%
What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral.

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g4btd/what_did_kermit_the_frog_say_at_jim_hensons/
%
The first rule of Alzheimers club:

Don't talk about chess club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g4bk1/the_first_rule_of_alzheimers_club/
%
Not all UK politicians will cry tonight

but Theresa May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g49fs/not_all_uk_politicians_will_cry_tonight/
%
If you're a tall person and someone asks you if you play basketball

Ask them if they play mini golf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g48t9/if_youre_a_tall_person_and_someone_asks_you_if/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, they just hold the bulb and wait for the world to  revolve around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g47d2/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
It's 1887 and a three-legged dog walks into a saloon, grabs the bartender by the scruff of his neck, looks him dead in the eyes and says...

"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g41eb/its_1887_and_a_threelegged_dog_walks_into_a/
%
On old wise Chinese man once said:

Better to have a hole in your hand than a hand in your hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g3z7k/on_old_wise_chinese_man_once_said/
%
I absolutely love the lyrics to the song "What is Love?"

The artist really haddaway with words...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g3xxk/i_absolutely_love_the_lyrics_to_the_song_what_is/
%
You have to read this in Paul McCartney's voice

When I find my tweets are causing trouble
Mother Russia comforts me
Tweeting words of wisdom
Covfefe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g3u3z/you_have_to_read_this_in_paul_mccartneys_voice/
%
I heard a rumour about butter...

Everyone's spreading it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g3ro2/i_heard_a_rumour_about_butter/
%
Why did the blind man fall into a well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g3po8/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_a_well/
%
One day when I was young......

I watched my father grill burgers.  When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger.  He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g3jr1/one_day_when_i_was_young/
%
My girlfriend said I don't know how to be romantic

So I yelled "DEUS VULT!" and invaded Gaul. Proved her wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g3ibx/my_girlfriend_said_i_dont_know_how_to_be_romantic/
%
Joseph Stalin wakes up a beautiful sunrise...

The weather is perfect and he's feeling great.
*"Good morning, Comrade sun"*, Stalin says as he stares into the sky.
*"Good morning, Comrade Stalin, Glorious leader of the Revolution"*, the sun replies.
The hours pass and it's already afternoon.
*"Good afternoon, Comrade sun"*, Stalin says.
*"Good afternoon, Comrade Stalin. Father and protector of the World's workers"*, the sun replies.
Time flies and it's already evening.
Upon viewing a dramatic sunset, Stalin says, *"Good night, Comrade sun."*
*"Bugger off you cunt! I'm in the West now"*, the sun replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g3dtw/joseph_stalin_wakes_up_a_beautiful_sunrise/
%
What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g3c9g/what_do_you_call_a_snake_thats_exactly_314_feet/
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A foreign man walks into a bar...

He sees a group of hot women, and asks them, "Where are you from?" in a thick accent.
Somewhat annoyed, they reply, "Go away, we're lesbians!"
Determined to get one of them, he says, "but I'm from Lesbia too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g3aqc/a_foreign_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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There is an old town...

And the town is built around its Catholic church. Both the church and the town have been around for a pretty long time. They've got a long history. There was an incident a long time ago that led to a citywide law against workers of the Catholic church opening flower shops. But it's a pretty obscure law, the incident happened a long time ago, and not very many people remember it.
So there is this friar who's always been fond of flowers, and he decides one day he's going to open a flower shop. An older citizen of the town hears this news and becomes enraged; he has a vivid memory of the incident and is determined to prevent anything like it from happening ever again. He marches into the police station and demands that something be done about it.
The police chief looks at him sadly and says "Yes, I am aware that this is in violation of that law, but we can't do anything about it now."
"Well, why on Earth not?!" demands the angry citizen.
The police chief says, "I really wish we could, but our senior policeman Hugh left the force just last month. We can't do anything without him."
The citizen isn't amused. "What has Hugh got to do with it?!"
"Because," says the police chief, peering at him intently, "only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g37yu/there_is_an_old_town/
%
What is a baker's favorite joke?

A cinnamon pun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g36w6/what_is_a_bakers_favorite_joke/
%
Two snakes are hanging out, when one asks the other...

"Hey, are we venomous?"
The other snake replies, "I'm not sure."
"Well I hope not," the first snake says, "cus I just bit my tongue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g35yp/two_snakes_are_hanging_out_when_one_asks_the_other/
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What's the difference between a fortune teller and a farmer with retarded bunnies

One deals with tarot cards while the other deals with carrot tards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g34sy/whats_the_difference_between_a_fortune_teller_and/
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We need more hospitals and doctors in Punjab, India...urgently!

There are a lot of Sikh people out there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g33gq/we_need_more_hospitals_and_doctors_in_punjab/
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My girlfriend has been missing for a week

The police told me to prepare for the worst, so now I have to go down to the goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2zmd/my_girlfriend_has_been_missing_for_a_week/
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Coffee break?

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says ‘Okay’ and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2z56/coffee_break/
%
Fever pitch

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2wjp/fever_pitch/
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An American & Ukrainian at a public loo.

The American pulls out his massive cock and declares:Buffalo Bill.
The Ukrainian pulls out three enormous cocks and says:Chernobyl.
(Old but gold.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2wdg/an_american_ukrainian_at_a_public_loo/
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MaCow

Awhile back, there was a family that lived isolated in the woods. Their only source of income was their prized milkcow - Macow.
One day, the father of the family walks out to the barn to see his prized milkcow, Macow, dead on the ground. He knows this means the end of their only source of income, and he is so distraught that he hangs himself in the barn.
Later in the day, the mother of the family goes out to the barn to see their prized milkcow, Macow, dead on the floor, and her husband hanging from the rafters. She is so distraught that she heads down the river and throws herself in, killing herself.
Later in the day, the eldest son of the family goes out to the barn and sees their prized milkcow, Macow, dead on the floor, and the father hung from the rafters. He then heads down to the river and sees his mother washed up on shore, dead. He then sees a leprechaun, a female leprechaun.
The leprechaun approaches and asks "Having a bad day?"
"Suppose so", the eldest son responds.
The leprechaun then tells him, "if you can have sex with me 5 times in a row without stopping, I'll bring your parents, and your prized milkcow, Macow, back to life."
"Why not?" says the eldest son, but only lasts twice before having to stop so the Leprechaun kills him.
Later in the day, the second eldest son of the family goes out to the barn and sees their prized milkcow, Macow, dead on the floor, and the father hung from the rafters. He then heads down to the river and sees his mother washed up on shore, and his older brother dead.  He then sees a leprechaun, a female leprechaun.
The leprechaun approaches and asks "Having a bad day?"
"Suppose so", the second eldest son responds.
The leprechaun then tells him, "if you can have sex with me 5 times in a row without stopping, I'll bring your parents, your brother, and your prized milkcow, Macow, back to life."
"Why not?" says the second eldest son, but only lasts four times before having to stop so the Leprechaun kills him.
Later in the day, the youngest son of the family goes out to the barn and sees their prized milkcow, Macow, dead on the floor, and the father hung from the rafters. He then heads down to the river and sees his mother washed up on shore, and his older brothers dead.  He then sees a leprechaun, a female leprechaun.
The leprechaun approaches and asks "Having a bad day?"
"Suppose so", the youngest son responds.
The leprechaun then tells him, "if you can have sex with me 5 times in a row without stopping, I'll bring your parents, your brothers, and your prized milkcow, Macow, back to life."
"Ok", replies the youngest son, "but what if I can have sex with you 10  times in a row?"
The leprechaun says, "if you can have sex with me 10 times in a row without stopping, I'll bring your parents, your brothers, and your prized milkcow, Macow, back to life. I will also give you all the gold I have"
"Ok", replies the youngest son, "but what if I can have sex with you 15 times in a row?"
The leprechaun says, "if you can have sex with me 15 times in a row without stopping, I'll bring your parents, your brothers, and your prized milkcow, Macow, back to life. I will also give you all the gold I have. On top of that, I will grant any wish you want. But if you can't have sex with me 15 times in a row I will kill you"
"Ok", the youngest son replies, "But if I have sex with you 15 times in a row, what would stop you from dying?"
"Why would I die?", asks the leprechaun.
"Well, MaCow did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2vdc/macow/
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Why didn't the dyslexic vote?

He vetoed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2swy/why_didnt_the_dyslexic_vote/
%
A man walks into a bar, and begins reading the menu overhead the smoking hot bartender.

The sign reads as follows:
* Nachos $4
* Hamburger $3
* Hotdog $2
* Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3
* Grilled Cheese $2
* Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50
* Handjob $10
After he looks over the menu for a moment he asks the bartender, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"  "Why yes I am." replies the bartender seductively.  Then says the man, "Wash your hands!  I'd like a hamburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2svo/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_begins_reading_the/
%
A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog.

He takes firm grip on the leash, and starts swinging the dog around and around over his head.  Another patron walks up to him and asks him what the hell he is doing.  The blind man replies, "I'm just taking a look around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2prx/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_seeing_eye/
%
A man with a dog walks into a bar in New Jersey.

He says to the barman, "This dog can talk."  The bartender replies, "What?  Get outta here."  The man with the dog then says, "It's true, I promise!"  The bartender decides to see if there is anything to this and says to the man, "Tell you what, if you can prove that the dog talks I'll give you free drinks for the rest of the evening."  "Its a deal!" says the man.  He then proceeds to ask the dog "what is above your head?"  "Roof!" the dog replies.  The bartender thinks the guy is trying to pull a trick on him, and is about to throw them out when the man asks for a second try.  The bartender reluctantly agrees.  The man asks the dog, "Who is the greatest baseball player who ever lived?"  "Ruth!" says the dog.  The bartender is pissed because they tried to take him for a fool and immediately tosses them out on their asses.  They pick themselves up, and while dusting off a bit the dog says, "I probably shoulda said DiMaggio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2oyx/a_man_with_a_dog_walks_into_a_bar_in_new_jersey/
%
When my kids play The Sims, I always disconnect the power from the computer just after they've finished making their family

It's character building

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2lnq/when_my_kids_play_the_sims_i_always_disconnect/
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A man goes on a business trip to Japan

During his first night in his small hotel room he decides to treat himself to the beautiful Japanese prostitutes he hears so much about from his colleagues when they go to Japan. He goes out and finds one and brings her back up to his room.
All throughout their sexual endeavors, the prostitute continuously yells this phrase in Japanese to which the man assumes is "*Yes, yes, yes!*" Afterwards he pays the woman and lets her be on her way.
The following morning he goes golfing with his other colleagues before their business meeting later that afternoon. On their first hole, after he successfully putts the ball in, he decides he wants to show off how cultured he is to his friends by shouting "*Yes!*" in Japanese.
Afterwards, his colleagues look at each other very confused and look back at him and ask "What do you mean wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2jfv/a_man_goes_on_a_business_trip_to_japan/
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Yo MaMa Jokes

Yo MaMa so fat, she rolled over a dollar and 4 quarters came out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2gur/yo_mama_jokes/
%
Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2fue/why_dont_some_couples_go_to_the_gym/
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A slug was assaulted by a snail...

...and the snail was arrested and brought to trial.
At the trial the judge said, "OK, slug, tell the court what happened."
The slug said, "I don't know, your honor...everything happened so fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2amw/a_slug_was_assaulted_by_a_snail/
%
Two scientists walk into a bar

The first one says "I'll have some H2O"
The second one says "I'll have some water too, but you do realise you don't have to use the chemical term outside if the lab, right?"
The first scientist excuses himself to the bathroom, where he cries for a good give minutes, saddened because his murder plan failed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g26ay/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A shitty knock-knock joke my dad just told me

Dad: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Dad: Broken pencil
Me: "Broken pencil" who?
Dad: ..........Never mind, it's pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g2526/a_shitty_knockknock_joke_my_dad_just_told_me/
%
Guys, don't make fun of fat people

It's not as if they don't have enough on their plate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1zl9/guys_dont_make_fun_of_fat_people/
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A woman was on holiday..

A woman was on holiday in Europe and decided to go on a tour of a cathedral. When she arrived she found out that the next tour didn't start for another 45 minutes, so she decided to wander about. As she walked around upstairs she saw a sign for a belfry and wanted to have a look but she wasn't taking much care and walked head first into one of the churches bells before falling. People started to gather around her and as the minister came over they asked if he knew who she was?
"I have no idea. But her face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1z05/a_woman_was_on_holiday/
%
A black hole walks in to a bar

It tells the bartender, "nothing light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1xu1/a_black_hole_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
A man and a woman are on their way to their wedding...

They get into a terrible car crash and are killed instantly. They find themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter says "welcome! You have both lived good lives and are welcome into heaven!"
The man says, "That's wonderful, but we were on our way to our wedding to be betrothed, is it possible to still get married in heaven?"
St. Peter says, "you know, I've never been asked that before, wait here and I'll check"
St. Peter leaves and is gone for a really long time.
He finally returns saying, "Good news! You can indeed get married in heaven!"
The man replies, "That's great news, but we were discussing while you were gone if it doesn't work out, could we we still get a divorce?"
St. Peter takes his clipboard and slams it on the podium exclaiming, "I just spent 10 years looking for a priest, do you know how long it's going to take to find a lawyer?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1wfj/a_man_and_a_woman_are_on_their_way_to_their/
%
Could have been worse…

Billy tells his friend, John, that he lost his job the day before.
John, being the optimist, tells him that things could have been worse.
A few days later, Billy tells John that his wife left him.
John, being the optimist, tells him that things could have been worse.
A few more days pass, and Billy tells John that he was kicked out by his landlord as he couldn't pay rent.
John, being the optimist, tells him that things could have been worse.
After a few more days, Billy tells John that he is totally broke now but he still has a lot of loans outstanding and if he fails to pay them, he could go to jail.
John, being the optimist, tells him that things could have been worse.
This time Billy snaps.
"Every time I tell you my problems, all you say is that things could have been worse. How could it possibly be worse now?"
"Well, all those things could have happened to me…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1t9x/could_have_been_worse/
%
What are two places you never want to drop the soap?

Penn State or the State Pen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1qml/what_are_two_places_you_never_want_to_drop_the/
%
Why did the deaf man put a watch on his ear?

Because he wanted to hear all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1q62/why_did_the_deaf_man_put_a_watch_on_his_ear/
%
In San Francisco 1989 there was a major earthquake, which group of people got out the fastest.

The gays, because they already had their shit packed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1pse/in_san_francisco_1989_there_was_a_major/
%
What do you call a dead prince?

The artist formerly known as.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1phg/what_do_you_call_a_dead_prince/
%
Why do melons have expensive weddings?

They cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1pf4/why_do_melons_have_expensive_weddings/
%
My boss said my math skills are average.

That's just mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1p3l/my_boss_said_my_math_skills_are_average/
%
What does Reddit stand for nowadays?

Repost Every Day, Downvote If Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1ot3/what_does_reddit_stand_for_nowadays/
%
I wrote a book about famous pianists

It covers all the key players

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1lxw/i_wrote_a_book_about_famous_pianists/
%
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like

So I told him, "C4 yourself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1j8a/a_guy_was_wondering_what_being_a_suicide_bomber/
%
My wife asked me why I was microwaving my penis

Apparently, "heating up your dinner" was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g177o/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_was_microwaving_my_penis/
%
I'd love to discuss your mother, but I don't study clocks

You see, I'm not a horologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g14he/id_love_to_discuss_your_mother_but_i_dont_study/
%
I went to the bar today and asked the bartender to make me an Orange Cheeto...

"I've never heard of that," he replies.
"Well, nobody really knows what it's made of," I reply, "but I've heard it's heavily influenced by a White Russian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1413/i_went_to_the_bar_today_and_asked_the_bartender/
%
What did the programmer say to the variable?

Well, I do declare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g1202/what_did_the_programmer_say_to_the_variable/
%
Once there were three turtles

. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g11jx/once_there_were_three_turtles/
%
Why are there so many rivers in France?

Because water follows the path of least resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g0zk3/why_are_there_so_many_rivers_in_france/
%
What instructions are not needed on Parkinson's Medicine?

Shake well before use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g0xta/what_instructions_are_not_needed_on_parkinsons/
%
Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you...

But,
Smoking bacon will cure it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g0uyr/smoking_will_kill_you_bacon_will_kill_you/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g0p0v/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...

Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!
Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g0mgh/a_wife_goes_to_consult_a_psychiatrist_about_her/
%
Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g0lny/where_do_you_find_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
Two Finnish men meet in a bar...

Two Finnish men meet in a bar, they haven't seen each other in over 30 years, but used to be best friends. One raises his beer and says 'cheers'.
The other responds, 'are we here to drink, or to talk?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g0kbb/two_finnish_men_meet_in_a_bar/
%
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered...

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a bit. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was taking the pain.
At this point, they decided to try 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
But, when they got home, they found the milkman dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g0jzm/a_married_couple_went_to_the_hospital_to_have/
%
How did the Buddhist feel about anal sex?

indifferently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g0ix4/how_did_the_buddhist_feel_about_anal_sex/
%
I asked my friend from Saudi Arabia how it was there...

He said he couldn't complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g0g88/i_asked_my_friend_from_saudi_arabia_how_it_was/
%
I once made a belt out of $100 bills

Turns out it was just a waist of money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g0c7a/i_once_made_a_belt_out_of_100_bills/
%
What's a communist's favorite drink?

Lenin-ade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g0be0/whats_a_communists_favorite_drink/
%
A naked woman enters a taxi

The taxi driver stares at the woman until she asks
-"What are you staring at?" And the driver responds
-"Just wondering where you're gonna get the money from"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g096z/a_naked_woman_enters_a_taxi/
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I still remember the good old days in America,

When it was “Hands up OR I’LL shoot!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g065z/i_still_remember_the_good_old_days_in_america/
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Fishing For Whiskey

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g03kq/fishing_for_whiskey/
%
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That is true in every country, son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g03cp/a_young_son_asked_is_it_true_dad_that_in_some/
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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.
Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."
"And he won?" I said.
"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The twat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g01cb/i_met_buzz_aldrin_once_and_asked_how_he_felt/
%
My wife left me because I spent our life savings on a penis enlargement...

She couldn’t take it any longer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6g00b5/my_wife_left_me_because_i_spent_our_life_savings/
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I think I might move to Great Britain in a few years.

I've always wanted to live in a live recreation of 1984.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fzyqn/i_think_i_might_move_to_great_britain_in_a_few/
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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course

.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand!"
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.
The man says, "What is that for?"
The golfer replies,
"I consider myself a Gentleman,
and
I believe every Dick should have two balls"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fzxlx/a_golfer_hits_his_ball_into_a_yard_next_to_the/
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Circle of life

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fzqb0/circle_of_life/
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CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fzp95/chairman_of_the_board/
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I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fzji0/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fzj23/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
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I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night...

The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."
I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fzi41/i_got_a_strange_note_in_my_bag_at_the_taco_bell/
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What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes: WHACK... "Damn!"
A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn!"... WHACK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fzhvq/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
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Why did the console gamer cross the road?

To render the building on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fzh3r/why_did_the_console_gamer_cross_the_road/
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What's the difference between Middle Earth and NYC

Two Towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fzfwh/whats_the_difference_between_middle_earth_and_nyc/
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Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: A table for 26, please.
Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.
Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fzfuz/jesus_and_his_disciples_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

That way when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and also have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fz559/before_you_criticize_someone_walk_a_mile_in_their/
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Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins…

Except he came back…
So, what did he really sacrifice?
His weekend?
Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fz3g9/jesus_sacrificed_his_life_for_your_sins/
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A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told him that's the last thing I need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fz3dl/a_man_tried_to_sell_me_a_coffin_today/
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What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

One is a JPEG, the other is J pegged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fyzb7/what_is_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a/
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Did you hear about the red head who worked at the bakery?

His friends called him the ginger bread man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fysfp/did_you_hear_about_the_red_head_who_worked_at_the/
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What's a women's favorite thing to play with?

My emotions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fypk5/whats_a_womens_favorite_thing_to_play_with/
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Why did Jesus quit the hockey team?

He was tired of being nailed against the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fymqe/why_did_jesus_quit_the_hockey_team/
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A gay deer walks out of a bar

and says, "Damn, I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fym89/a_gay_deer_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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President Clinton shows up to Air Force One

with a pig under each arm.
The Marine sergeant, salutes him and shouts: "Nice pigs, sir"
Clinton looks at him and says: "I'll have you know these are genuine Arkansas razorbacks! I got one for Chelsea and one for Hillary. What do you think about that?"
The sergeant salutes again and shouts: "Nice trade, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fym1n/president_clinton_shows_up_to_air_force_one/
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Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says "I want some H2O."
The second one says "I want some H2O too!"
The second one dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fylmz/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
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What's the smallest organ in a goat?

An ISIS member's penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fyjiq/whats_the_smallest_organ_in_a_goat/
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Sex education class

Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class."
Teacher: "Why?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fygig/sex_education_class/
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Don't smoke kids,

Because smoking kids is bad for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fyflk/dont_smoke_kids/
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ex and the titanic

What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fyewt/ex_and_the_titanic/
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What do competitive butchers say to each other?

I will beat your meat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fyemr/what_do_competitive_butchers_say_to_each_other/
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If you don't know how to answer a question on a flower biology test...

You can always guess the anther

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fydn2/if_you_dont_know_how_to_answer_a_question_on_a/
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My roommate Joseph

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fy9dc/my_roommate_joseph/
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Did you hear about the guy who mixed viagras and laxatives?

He didn't know if he was coming or going

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fy7tk/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_mixed_viagras_and/
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Help! I need the best lawyer jokes you got!

So my Media Law final exam is tomorrow and the professor said that if I can provide the best lawyer joke ever, he'll give me 5 extra points.
Please help me, Reddit. You're my only hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fy6ft/help_i_need_the_best_lawyer_jokes_you_got/
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There's only one real reason I masturbate.

I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to fuck me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fy60v/theres_only_one_real_reason_i_masturbate/
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After my wife died I couldn't look at a woman for twenty years

but when I got out of prison it was totally worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fy5oc/after_my_wife_died_i_couldnt_look_at_a_woman_for/
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If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?

A swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fy513/if_the_stork_is_the_bird_of_birth_whats_the_bird/
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Of all of the women living in the abbey, how many of them are Protestant?

Nun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fy3eu/of_all_of_the_women_living_in_the_abbey_how_many/
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Where do Indians go when they die?

Heven-eleven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fy3a5/where_do_indians_go_when_they_die/
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The Jetsons gave me unrealistic expectations for the future as a child

Like having a wife who loves me and owning a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fy35a/the_jetsons_gave_me_unrealistic_expectations_for/
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What do the mafia and vaginas have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fy2yl/what_do_the_mafia_and_vaginas_have_in_common/
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Panda Walks Into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.
"For what?"
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fy28u/panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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3 Men standing in front of the gates of hell

Suddenly Satan appear in front of these three men and started reading the scroll he was holding.
You three have commited serious crimes during your life,
John, you have raped many womans
Michael, you have robbed many liquor stores.
And Jeff, you apparently smoke too much.
John and Michael started to beg satan for another chance while Jeff just stared at the two.
Satan stroke his beard and said "very well, i shall give you a second chance if you can survive in an island for 50 years. Along with something to accompany you with" said satan with a grin.
John was thrown into a lone island. However on that island he saw many beautiful woman who is willing to do anything for him. John smiled and said "this isnt bad at all"
Michael was the next one he threw. Michael was surprised that there was trees made out of the most expensive liquors and started chugging like no tomorrow.
Jeff was thrown into an island that looked normal, however there is a box that have cigarettes inside. The box kept spawning cigarettes which means Jeff have an infinite supplies of cigarettes.
#50 Years later
Satan flew down on the first island. He saw John lying on a white sticky mess with his eyes rolled in. John ran out of ammo and did not survive a single year on the island. So satan grabbed his body and threw it to hell.
On the next island. The island was full of vomit and Michael already died after consuming too much alcohol.
Finally satan reached the final island and he could not believe what he saw. Jeff was just sitting on the beach, perfectly healthy and the cigarettes was just placed near a bunch of rocks and sticks. Satan flew down and said "i am surprised you managed to defy your addiction. You may go to heaven"
Jeff turns his head with teary eyes and said "dude..... You forgot the lighter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fy27x/3_men_standing_in_front_of_the_gates_of_hell/
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What password does Forrest Gump use?

1Forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fxwiq/what_password_does_forrest_gump_use/
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I recently got crushed by a pile of books

I only have myshelf to blame...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fxw47/i_recently_got_crushed_by_a_pile_of_books/
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Why don't people like talking about the melting sea ice?

It's a polarizing issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fxvoz/why_dont_people_like_talking_about_the_melting/
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How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fxo6d/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
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Why don't blind people like to sky dive?

Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fxm7s/why_dont_blind_people_like_to_sky_dive/
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What do you call a cow with two legs shorter than the others?

Lean beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fxiym/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_two_legs_shorter_than/
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My girlfriend told me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer" by smash mouth she would dump me...

I thought she was joking
But then i saw her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fxib3/my_girlfriend_told_me_if_i_didnt_stop_singing_im/
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My first name is Greatest, last name Ever

Middle name "Mistake"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fxhl4/my_first_name_is_greatest_last_name_ever/
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The young Chief of an Indian tribe wants to have sex

So he goes to the local whore house and says, "Chief want pussy." The Owner of the brothel says, "Well does Chief have any experience with pussy?" Chief, knowing that he has never had sex replies, "Chief never laid with woman before." The Owner tells the Chief, "These girls have a lot of experience and you need to go practice before you get with one of my girls. There is a tree a couple hundred yards down the trail that has a perfect nook hole in it. Go to the tree and practice for a few days, then when you are ready, come back and we will set you up with a girl."
The Chief takes the man's advice and practices fucking the nook in the tree for a whole week. The next weekend the Chief shows up at the brothel and says, "Chief want pussy." The Owner of the brothel again asks, "Does Chief have any experience with pussy?" Happily, Chief says, "Chief got experience." The Owner gives Chief a key and tells him to go upstairs and open the first door on the left. Almost immediately there are loud moans and screams coming from the room that Chief went in. At first the owner thought that Chief might just have a big dick and the girl is having trouble taking him, bit the screams sounded like fear and trouble so he goes to check. When he opens the door, he finds Chief fully clothed and ramming the poor girls pussy with a broom stick. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING CHIEF?!" Exclaims the owner.
"Chief checking for bees."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fxgl7/the_young_chief_of_an_indian_tribe_wants_to_have/
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How many Lowes would Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowes?

Who Knowes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fxfdw/how_many_lowes_would_rob_lowe_rob_if_rob_lowe/
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A woman is just getting out of the shower when there’s a knock at the front door

She doesn’t have a towel at hand so she shouts, “Who is it?”
“It’s the blind man”
Realising the towel no longer matters, she opens the door.
The blind man says, “Nice tits, love. Where do you want the blinds?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fxdj0/a_woman_is_just_getting_out_of_the_shower_when/
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How are a black man and a tornado similar

It only takes one to ruin a good neighbourhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fxbfp/how_are_a_black_man_and_a_tornado_similar/
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I went into my local bar, and asked if they had any 'Coors Light'

The waitress replied:
*"No, but we have a stray cat out back if you want to drink it's piss"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fxade/i_went_into_my_local_bar_and_asked_if_they_had/
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What do you call Israel's soldiers?

G.I. Jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fx8r6/what_do_you_call_israels_soldiers/
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They're making a movie where Chronos blocks the passage of time.

It's about god-dammed time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fx8k0/theyre_making_a_movie_where_chronos_blocks_the/
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So I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website...

I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fx4b3/so_i_went_on_a_date_with_a_girl_from_an_online/
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A Night's Sleep

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.
The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked Johnny. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fx241/a_nights_sleep/
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A lady was teaching an anatomy class

And was having trouble keeping the students awake. Figuring that the whole class was female she could as some more direct questions, so she asked
"Ladies, who can tell me what happens to the asshole during an orgasm?"
And one of the older students immediately replied
"He is at home taking care of the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fx10o/a_lady_was_teaching_an_anatomy_class/
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Two men are walking in the woods when they see a bear

One man bends down to tighten the laces on his shoes.
The other man looks at him and says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!"
The first guy, while tying his shoes, replies, "I don't need to outrun the bear. I just need to outrun you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwz8u/two_men_are_walking_in_the_woods_when_they_see_a/
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A kiss makes my whole day...

But anal makes my hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwyoc/a_kiss_makes_my_whole_day/
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My local ice cream man was found dead this morning.

He was covered in nuts, sprinkles and raspberry sauce.
Apparently he topped himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwxh1/my_local_ice_cream_man_was_found_dead_this_morning/
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A Russian, British, and American soldier are talking...

...about rations.
The Russian says, "Glorious motherland send her best soldiers 2,000 calories a day! Is feast for grateful soldiers!"
The Brit chuckles and says "Well old chap, the dear Queen does send her finest fighting men 3,000 calories a day, so I'm quite afraid we have you beaten."
The American scoffs and says "Aw hell boys. I got y'all both beat. Uncle Sam sends us 4,000 calories a day!"
The Russian, who had looked quite perturbed at the British soldier's reply, now is completely incredulous. He bursts out "4,000?! 4,000 calories a day?! Is impossible!! No man can eat so much cabbage!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwwc6/a_russian_british_and_american_soldier_are_talking/
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A sailor and a priest go golfing

The sailor takes his first swing and slices it hard to the left of the green. "FUCK! I missed!" exclaimed the sailor.
"My son! Please refrain from using that type of language, The Lord can hear you!" gasps the priest. The sailor apologizes and they proceed with their game.
The sailor now attempts to chip his ball out of the brush. He gets off a good shot, but it rolls back into a sand trap. "Fuck, I missed!" he says again.
"My son! Please, refrain from such sinful language! You will anger the Lord!" the priest pleads. The sailor apologizes and they continue their game.
The sailor takes a whack at his ball from the sandtrap. He has a great shot, landing the ball right on the green. Still it's not good enough for him, so yet again he mutters "fuck, I missed!"
The priest bursts out, yelling "my son! The Lord will strike you down should you continue in your sinful ways! You will be punished for your sins!" The sailor apologizes profusely and lines up his putt. The putt heads straight for the hole and then runs around the rim and stays out. "FUCK! I MISSED!" the sailor exclaims, louder than before.
Out of nowhere, a lightning bolt shoots from the sky. It streaks down from the clouds and hits the priest, instantly killing him. A deep, booming voice from the heavens speaks... "FUCK! I MISSED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwuti/a_sailor_and_a_priest_go_golfing/
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Two Nuns sitting on a park bench

A flasher comes by and displays his goods .. one Nun had a stroke and the other one couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwrht/two_nuns_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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A guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil is standing in front of 3 doors.

The devil says, "It's your lucky day. I'm
gonna give you a chance to get out of hell. You
have to complete 3 tasks.
"Behind this first door is a 1-gallon jug of Jack
Daniel's. You have to drain it in one drink.
"Behind the second door is a 600 lb. grizzly bear
with a sore tooth. You have to pull the tooth out.
"Behind the third door is a nymphomaniac. When
you've completely satisfied her, you can leave."
The guy figures it's worth a shot, so he goes in
the first door and manages to drink the whole jug
of liquor. He goes in the second door, shuts it,
and the most horrible commotion can be heard from
inside the room. 20 minutes later, the guy finally
comes out. His clothes are torn to shreds, and he
is sliced and scratched head to toe.
Finally he manages to say, "Ok, where's that girl
with the sore tooth...?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwr0i/a_guy_gets_hit_by_a_car_and_goes_to_hell_when_he/
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How did the medical community come up with the term PMS

Mad cow disease was already taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwqz5/how_did_the_medical_community_come_up_with_the/
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My wife asked me if I would stop singing Oasis...

I said maybe....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwma1/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_would_stop_singing_oasis/
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I hear there is a special food now you can giving women to lower their libido and stop them having sex with you.

It's called 'wedding cake'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwlin/i_hear_there_is_a_special_food_now_you_can_giving/
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If a girl sleeps with a lot of guys, she's a slut. But if a man does.....

He's gay, he's definitely gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwlay/if_a_girl_sleeps_with_a_lot_of_guys_shes_a_slut/
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How can you always tell a blind man at a nude beach.

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwkd3/how_can_you_always_tell_a_blind_man_at_a_nude/
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What is common between Marvel Avengers and Politicians.

Both fight among themselves to stay in business.
Every fucking movie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwh0q/what_is_common_between_marvel_avengers_and/
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There are 2 reasons I would never drink toilet water.

Number 1 and number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwgip/there_are_2_reasons_i_would_never_drink_toilet/
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Whatever people may say about ISIS...

...at least they claim responsibility for their actions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fween/whatever_people_may_say_about_isis/
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Water isn't Gay

It's genderfluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwecp/water_isnt_gay/
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A man takes a trip to china

On his first night there, the man orders a prostitute. While in act, the prostitute screams something repeatedly in Chinese that the man does not understand. The next day the man goes to play golf. As the man lines up for a shot, one of the Chinese players he is playing with exclaims the same thing as the prostitute last night. The man turns around and asks,
"Why did you say that?"
The Chinese man responds with, "Sorry, you're just aimed at the wrong hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwcya/a_man_takes_a_trip_to_china/
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Why do people masturbate during a marriage?

The services are too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwcxl/why_do_people_masturbate_during_a_marriage/
%
If you have four tea cups, then give away half, what are you left with?

A joke that doesn't translate well to text.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fwcka/if_you_have_four_tea_cups_then_give_away_half/
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I just witnessed a murder...

They just flew over my house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fw9yu/i_just_witnessed_a_murder/
%
How do you solve climate change?

Convince Republicans that rising temperatures are turning people gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fw97s/how_do_you_solve_climate_change/
%
I fell off the top rung of a 30 foot ladder today...

... fortunately I was using it upside down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fw8jm/i_fell_off_the_top_rung_of_a_30_foot_ladder_today/
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Why are all monsters gay?

Because they come out the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fw3iv/why_are_all_monsters_gay/
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My brother threw a milk carton at me!

How dairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fw3fm/my_brother_threw_a_milk_carton_at_me/
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Why didn't the life guard save the drowning hippie?

Because he was just too far out man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fw0ou/why_didnt_the_life_guard_save_the_drowning_hippie/
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America is approaching metric system...

...inch by inch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvwh1/america_is_approaching_metric_system/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at that school?

It's all under control now, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvw6x/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_that_school/
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Why didn't the two melons get married?

They cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvvlf/why_didnt_the_two_melons_get_married/
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Bill is out campaigning with Hillary...

they stop for lunch in a small diner and when Bill orders, he says, "I'll have a quickie."
The waitress giggles and Hillary glares, but says nothing.
The next day, at lunch in a diner, Bill orders: "I'll have a quickie."
Same response.
The third day, Bill ordering lunch says, "I'll have a quickie."
Not able to take the humiliation any more, Hillary slaps his arm and says, "Dammit Bill!  It's pronounced 'quiche!'"
^(Note: I like the Trump jokes, and the recent Bill joke, but I thought this old joke fit Bill better.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvupc/bill_is_out_campaigning_with_hillary/
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Did you hear about the blind circumcision doctor?

He got the sac!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvtik/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_circumcision_doctor/
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What do you call a fake enemy?

A faux.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvo6d/what_do_you_call_a_fake_enemy/
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What's more impressive than a counting pig?

A spelling bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvn7a/whats_more_impressive_than_a_counting_pig/
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A man is walking down the Vegas strip...

...and he is approached by guy in a threadbare suit, who says, "Please, mister, I really need your help. My wife, she needs an operation, and I was just told today, if she doesn't get it, she's going to die! My dear wife, the love of my life, might die! Please, anything you can give me would help. Anything at all."
The man says "C'mon, man, look around you. How do I know you're not going to take anything I give you and gamble with it?"
The panhandler says, "Oh, I ***got*** gambling money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvn4g/a_man_is_walking_down_the_vegas_strip/
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Dr Horrible got everything he wanted

But it only cost him a Penny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvjjo/dr_horrible_got_everything_he_wanted/
%
it

In case you missed it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvfc1/it/
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Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called “Lenin in Warsaw.” Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.
Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.
First question: “Very interesting movie, comrade, but—where was Lenin?”
The director answers: “In Warsaw.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fve36/lenin_in_warsaw/
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What did Cinderella say when she finally arrived at the ball?

Nothing, she had a dick in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvdhg/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_finally_arrived/
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What compound is found in a lazy person's brain?

Sodium Procrastinate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvdft/what_compound_is_found_in_a_lazy_persons_brain/
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I had a cold call today asking about my recent accident

I said "well he's 22 now and I'm rather fond of him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvddz/i_had_a_cold_call_today_asking_about_my_recent/
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A woman and her son are visiting New York

They're walking around, sightseeing, when it starts to rain. They flag a taxi and drive around, looking out the window at the sights.
The son sees scantily clad women on the streets under awnings, waiting for customers. When he asks about them his mother, wanting to keep him innocent, tells him, "They're the wives of men working in the buildings, and they're waiting for their husbands to get off work."
The cabbie looks into the back and says, "Don't lie to the kid, lady. They're prostitutes, kid. They trade sex for money." The mother is furious and the confused child asks, "what happens to the babys then?" The mother glares into the rearview mirror and says, "They become taxi drivers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvd5a/a_woman_and_her_son_are_visiting_new_york/
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Late one night, Norm answered the doorbell to find a 6 foot tall cockroach standing on the step.

The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.
The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined.
“Ah, yes,” the doctor said when Norm explained what happened. “There’s a nasty bug going around.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvct6/late_one_night_norm_answered_the_doorbell_to_find/
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What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?

Both say "insert bill here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvcrq/what_do_monica_lewinsky_and_a_vending_machine/
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Did you hear about the new book on hyperbole?

I've read it, like, a million times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvbzi/did_you_hear_about_the_new_book_on_hyperbole/
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When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvban/when_christmas_was_coming_up_my_kids_asked_for_a/
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My favourite TV show is the one that shows funny clips of things being destroyed and everything going wrong!

Or, as some people call it...the news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fvaja/my_favourite_tv_show_is_the_one_that_shows_funny/
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How scared was the dinosaur?

Petrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fv7qm/how_scared_was_the_dinosaur/
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It could be worst...

The father is mad at his son:
- The teacher said you're the worst, laziest, stupidest student in your 20 people class.
- It could he worst - the son replied.
-  Worst how?
- It could have been a 40 people class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fv7jf/it_could_be_worst/
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As a Scottish man I like getting a tan when I go on holiday.

It's the only time my hand is the same colour as my dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fv7cz/as_a_scottish_man_i_like_getting_a_tan_when_i_go/
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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fv7an/a_man_went_into_a_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
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Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fv69d/trump_has_left_the_historical_paris_climate/
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Why did the skeptic do poorly in Trigonometry?

He refused to see the sines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fv314/why_did_the_skeptic_do_poorly_in_trigonometry/
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Mrs Omalley needs vegetables

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.
She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she realized she didn't have any onions.
"Well, I certainly cant make a delicious stew without any onions!" she exclaimed.
So, put the rabbit back in the barn and left everything else on the counter. She donned her bonnet and boots and decided to head down to the market to buy some onions.
She went straight to Tommy's produce stand. He always had the freshest vegetables.
"Well, top of the morning to you Mrs. O'Malley! How does this wonderful day find you?" Tommy greeted her.
"Ahh, well Tommy, I was going to make a stew for John, but I don't have any onions." Mrs. O'Malley lamented.
"Well, I'm sorry to say Mrs. O'Malley, but we are fresh out and I don't expect any onions until Thursday." Tommy replied.
"Oh, well I suppose Ill come back then, Tommy. Have a good day." Mrs. O'Malley said.
Well, Tuesday comes and Mrs. O'Malley sees all of her ingredients for the delicious stew are still on the counter.
"Well, I certainly cant make a delicious stew without onions! Ill head down to Tommy's, he always has the freshest vegetables!" Mrs. O'Malley claimed excitedly.
So, she donned her bonnet and boots and headed straight away for Tommy's.
"Wellll, its good to see you again, Mrs. O'Malley, and top of the morning to ya. What can I do for this morning!" Tommy smiled.
"Well Tommy, I was going to make a stew for John, but I don't have any onions. I came here straight away because you have the freshest onions!" Mrs. O'Malley said matter of factly.
Tommy chuckled, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, you must have forgotten. Today is Tuesday and I wont have any onions until Thursday!"
"Oh, of course. I will come back then." Mrs. O'Malley stated.
Wednesday rolls around and Mrs. O'Malley comes downstairs to find all the ingredients for a delicious stew on the table, but alas, there are no onions!
"Well, I cant very well make a delicious stew without any onions!" Mrs. O'Malley exclaimed. "Ill head straight away to Tommy's. He always has the freshest vegetables."
So, she donned her bonnet and boots and headed for Tommy's.
Tommy see's Mrs. O'Malley headed for his stand and, lets just say Tommy wasn't have a top of the morning.
"Hello, Mrs. O'Malley. What do you want." Tommy grumbled.
"Well, Tommy, I was going to make a stew---" Mrs. O'Malley started.
"Ya, you were going to make a stew for John and you don't have any onions." Tommy said, cutting her off.
"Well, that's right Tommy, how did you know?" Mrs. O'Malley said surprisingly.
"Mrs. O'Malley, let me ask you a couple of questions. If you take the A-T-O out of potato, what do you get?"
"Well Tommy, I suppose you would get POT." Mrs. O'Malley said.
"Right, okay, if you take the A-T-O of tomato, what do you get?" Tommy asked.
"Well, you would certainly get TOM!" Mrs. O'Malley said with a smile.
"Very good, Mrs. O'Malley, now, if you take the F-U-C-K out of onions, what do you get?" Tommy asked, his patience running thin.
"Well Tommy, I... well, there is no FUCK in onions" Mrs. O'Malley said, very confused.
"THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU MRS. O'MALLEY!" Tommy screamed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fv2cp/mrs_omalley_needs_vegetables/
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Why are guys who wear skinny jeans bad at sex?

They can't get them off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fuyg4/why_are_guys_who_wear_skinny_jeans_bad_at_sex/
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One day at the zoo

One day a man was killing some time at the zoo, and while walking through the large cats exhibit noticed a young child climbing on the fence surrounding the lion.  All of a sudden the young child lost his balance and fell inside the cage.  The man noticed the lion look over and without thinking jumped the fence, grabbed the young boy, handed him back over the fence to his parents, and then as the lion was running up to him, he instinctively punched the lion in the nose, which caused the lion to back off in surprise long enough for the man to get back out of the enclosure.  The child's parents were thanking the man profusely when a woman came running up holding a pad of paper and pen, and said, "I'm a reporter and I just saw what you did, I'd love to have your permission to run this story in tomorrow's paper, how does this headline sound to you: BRAVE DEMOCRAT HEROICALLY SAVES YOUNG CHILD FROM VICIOUS ANIMAL!"  The man, says "Of course you can run the story, but I don't think it was anything heroic, just what one person would do for another, and I do have one small correction: I'm actually a republican."  The reporter thanks him for his time and after getting a few more details goes on her way.
The next day the man gets a copy of the paper to see the story about him, and on page three sees the headline: "WHITE CIS-HET MALE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fuxr5/one_day_at_the_zoo/
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First Condom

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fuvvd/first_condom/
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My mom called me a son of a bitch...

So I hit her, because Nobody calls my mother a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fuv6h/my_mom_called_me_a_son_of_a_bitch/
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Two guys walk into a bar...

The first guy asks for H2O. The second guy says that sounds good, I'll have H2O too.
The second guy dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6furqs/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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Another Trump joke

An american was driving his car until he ended up in a traffic jam.
After a long time of waiting and standing with his car, without moving any further, a policeman appeared and knocked on his window.
"Good day Sir, some terrorists kidnapped the President and will soak him in gasoline and burn him, if the government won't pay them 10 million dollar. We are currently asking the citizens, if they are willing to donate something."
The man took his wallet, looked insinde and asked the policeman:
"Just tell me: how much did the other drivers give?"
"About 20 to 50"
"Dollar?"
"No. Gallons"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fuoik/another_trump_joke/
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What does a perverted frog say?

Rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fumv4/what_does_a_perverted_frog_say/
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I don't see why the Paris agreement is such a big deal

Thousands of guys have pulled out of Paris before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fuigi/i_dont_see_why_the_paris_agreement_is_such_a_big/
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I like self deprecating humor

I'm just so fucking bad at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fuemv/i_like_self_deprecating_humor/
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Sauron is a great name

It has a nice ring to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fue4b/sauron_is_a_great_name/
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I finally quit drinking for good

Now I drink for evil 😈

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fucod/i_finally_quit_drinking_for_good/
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What relates a good reddit post and a poorly kept cube?

RIP in box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fuasv/what_relates_a_good_reddit_post_and_a_poorly_kept/
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My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen

but we've sorted it now. It's all water under the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fu9l9/my_wife_and_i_had_a_huge_argument_because_she/
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A rich guy and his wife both died and their caskets were driven in separate cars...

His and Hearse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fu7gj/a_rich_guy_and_his_wife_both_died_and_their/
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Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better

Pence: The fewer
Trump: I told you not to call me that yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fu7fe/trump_the_less_immigrants_that_come_in_the_better/
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How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fu3nm/how_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
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A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player...

...and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.
The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.
As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.
"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?"
"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long'."
Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title. Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing.
"You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you call that one?"
"Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler'." The bartender held his tongue -- the guy was certainly good, despite the outrageous song titles.
Then, the piano man rose, excused himself, and shuffled off to use the restroom.
While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said, "Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours."
Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered, "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out for all the world to see?"
"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I wrote it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fu11u/a_sign_in_the_window_of_a_bar_advertised_for_a/
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What penalty did the guy who said "oink oink" to a cop get?

He got 6 months for impersonating a policeofficer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ftzmc/what_penalty_did_the_guy_who_said_oink_oink_to_a/
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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

I should've seen the look on her face as i drove pasta !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ftx1z/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
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How many deputies did it take to push the inmate down the stairs?

None, he fell.
I work as a Detention Deputy, and that's one of my favorite jokes to tell the inmates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ftwn8/how_many_deputies_did_it_take_to_push_the_inmate/
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My friend said I was not assertive enough to farm rocks.

You should have seen the look on his face when I grew boulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ftujv/my_friend_said_i_was_not_assertive_enough_to_farm/
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Why did the Russian dictator take so long to respond?

He was Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ftm8j/why_did_the_russian_dictator_take_so_long_to/
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My girlfriend said I can become what ever I want...

So I became her ex-boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ftlwq/my_girlfriend_said_i_can_become_what_ever_i_want/
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A Jew, a Muslim, and a lawyer are driving on a rural road.

The car breaks down, leaving them stranded with no signal, so they leave the car and find a farmhouse.
They say to the man who answers the door, "Our car won't work and we need shelter for the night. Can you provide it?"
The farmer replies, "Of course. But there's only enough room in the house for two of you. The other will have to sleep in the barn."
The group decides to draw straws to see who will sleep in the barn. The Jew draws the short one and heads out. A few minutes later there's a knock at the door. The farmer opens it and the Jew is standing there.
"I'm sorry sir, but I can't sleep in that barn. There's a pig in there. In my religion, pigs are considered unclean."
Seeing the problem, the Muslim and the lawyer draw straws. The Muslim draws the short one and goes out to the barn, planning to ignore the pig. A few minutes later there's a knock at the door. The Muslim is standing there.
"I'm sorry sir, but I can't sleep in the barn. There's a dog in there, and in my religion dogs are considered unclean."
Feeling left with no choice, the lawyer agrees to go out to the barn. A few minutes later there's a knock at the door. The dog and the pig are standing there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ftksi/a_jew_a_muslim_and_a_lawyer_are_driving_on_a/
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A woman calls her husband

She asks him, "do you think my sister is prettier than me?"
There's a long pause.
Then the husband answers, no, honey, definitely not."
She replies, "then why did it take you so long to answer??"
He says, "I had to ask her to turn around so I could see her face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ftkas/a_woman_calls_her_husband/
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My land lord stole all my cloth hanging clips

She is a cliptomaniac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ftirq/my_land_lord_stole_all_my_cloth_hanging_clips/
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As God created this human child, God asked him...

"How about an extra chromosome?"
The child replied, "I'd be down for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ftimg/as_god_created_this_human_child_god_asked_him/
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Did you know that 70% of all Japanese business men have cataracts?

The rest drive Rincolns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ftgbb/did_you_know_that_70_of_all_japanese_business_men/
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I want to live in a Topia

like a utopia, but whitout u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fta3z/i_want_to_live_in_a_topia/
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Why do people say "grow some balls"?

Balls are weak and sensitive.
If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ft9cg/why_do_people_say_grow_some_balls/
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Conversation between a fisherman and an MBA graduate

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."
The American scoffed. "I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "Fifteen or twenty years."
"But what then, señor?"
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, señor? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ft98c/conversation_between_a_fisherman_and_an_mba/
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My friend died during his trip in Germany

Apparently he had an undiagnosed Guten allergy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ft0zv/my_friend_died_during_his_trip_in_germany/
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A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "you're welcome to drink here, but you better not start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fsz91/a_pair_of_jumper_cables_walks_into_a_bar/
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It's pretty strange, doctors are now prescribing cannabis for arthritis sufferers...

I mean, the definition of arthritis is "inflammation of the joints"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fsw1f/its_pretty_strange_doctors_are_now_prescribing/
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What type of currency they use in outer space?

Star Bucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fsswx/what_type_of_currency_they_use_in_outer_space/
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What do pet doctors and Nazi's that are still alive have in common?

They're both Veteran Arians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fsrd7/what_do_pet_doctors_and_nazis_that_are_still/
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What do you call a Baby with no arms and no legs....

A Monster
(from my 3 year old!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fsq6p/what_do_you_call_a_baby_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
The opposite of George Strait...

is George Michaels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fsq1y/the_opposite_of_george_strait/
%
My favorite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fsnbf/my_favorite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
%
The Soviet army is marching in Finland

They hear a voice from the other side of a hill: One Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fsmcd/the_soviet_army_is_marching_in_finland/
%
How does a chihuahua say good day in japanese?

Konnichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fsjev/how_does_a_chihuahua_say_good_day_in_japanese/
%
Why do cross dressers fall slowly?

Because of the drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fsj46/why_do_cross_dressers_fall_slowly/
%
Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain…

One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip and put it over her cigarette.
The other lady said, "Hey, that's a good idea.
What's that called?"
The lady responded, "It's a condom."
The other lady said, "Where can I get one of those?"
She said, "Oh, just about any grocery of drug store."
So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, "I need to get some condoms."
The cashier looked at her puzzled, because of her age, and said, "Um, what size?"
The lady responded, "Hmm, one that would fit a Camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fsiay/two_old_ladies_were_outside_smoking_one_day_when/
%
Bill Clinton and his razorbacks...

Bill Clinton steps off a plane with two Arkansas razorbacks under each arm and then is greeted by a Marine who is saluting him. Bill tells the Marine "Son I would salute you but as you can see I got my hands full with these succulent hogs. I got one here for Hillary and one here for Chelsea." The Marine replies "A mighty fine trade, sir!"
edit - loving how the "alt-left" has come out of the woodworks on this one. Was just testing the waters. And the verdict...a lot(85%) of you have a quality sense of humor. You're alright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fsge0/bill_clinton_and_his_razorbacks/
%
Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fs8ob/marvel_comics_have_announced_a_new_female_muslim/
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I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle.

But you sure wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around during the ceremony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fs8dg/i_made_my_wifes_dreams_come_true_and_we_were/
%
[NSFW] My friend thought his sex doll had a cold because its nose was running...

Turns out it was just full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fs7io/nsfw_my_friend_thought_his_sex_doll_had_a_cold/
%
What's the difference between a pimple and a priest?

A pimple waits until you're a teenager before it comes on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fs7co/whats_the_difference_between_a_pimple_and_a_priest/
%
A few hundred years ago, Mozart was composing beautiful music

But for a while now, hes only been de-composing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fs5kc/a_few_hundred_years_ago_mozart_was_composing/
%
What do you want to be when you grow up...

A teacher in front of her three students asks them about what they want to be once they grow up. She walks up to the first boy.
Teacher: so, John what do you want to be when you grow up?
John: A firefighter.
Teacher: you will grow up to be a strong brave man .
Teacher: and you Mary, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Mary: A Lawyer.
Teacher: You will grow up to be a smart strong lady.
Teacher: and finally, Sam, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
Sam: I'm never gonna grow up, and neither will John or Mary.
Teacher: what do you mean Sam? Of course your gonna grow up.
Sam: then I'm gonna be the luckiest terrorist to ever live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fs51g/what_do_you_want_to_be_when_you_grow_up/
%
The pregnant woman sitting across from me on the train laughed.

I asked her
"What's so funny?"
She smiled and replied.
"My baby just told me something."
I was shocked!
"Really? What did he say!"
She grins.
"Oh you wont get it, it's an inside joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fs4s8/the_pregnant_woman_sitting_across_from_me_on_the/
%
President Donald Trump is great at reading female body language

Too bad he reads it in braille.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fs4m2/president_donald_trump_is_great_at_reading_female/
%
I once dated a girl with a twin.

People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was pretty simple, Rachel always painted her nails purple and Dave had a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6frx6h/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_a_twin/
%
3 surgeons discuss who is the best surgeon of them.

Says the one: "I am the best surgeon of Texas! A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them on and tomorrow he gives a private concert for the queen."
Says the second: "This is nothing! A young man lost both his arms and his legs in an accident. I stitched them back on and two years later he won the gold medal in the olympic games!"
Says the 3rd: "Amateurs! A few years ago a cowboy rode stoned and drunk in front of a train. All that remained were his buttcheeks and the blonde mane of his horse. I did the surgery on him and today he is the president of the United States."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6frwsd/3_surgeons_discuss_who_is_the_best_surgeon_of_them/
%
Why were they called the Dark Ages?

because there were so many knights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6frsqg/why_were_they_called_the_dark_ages/
%
Why didn't the skeleton like spicy food?

'Cause he didn't have the stomach for it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6frs83/why_didnt_the_skeleton_like_spicy_food/
%
I found a really good lawyer...

He got my sodomy charge reduced to tailgating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6frrw7/i_found_a_really_good_lawyer/
%
What do Mexicans use to cut pizza?

Little Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6frqhk/what_do_mexicans_use_to_cut_pizza/
%
A LESSON IN GOVERNMENT

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6frqfq/a_lesson_in_government/
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What do you call Michael J. Fox spinning around in a chair?

A fidget spinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6frpzm/what_do_you_call_michael_j_fox_spinning_around_in/
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What do you call a book club that's stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6frl1f/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_stuck_on_the/
%
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipes his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6frkye/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_he_dumps_his/
%
What do Dwarves and Elves have in common?

Very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6frhc8/what_do_dwarves_and_elves_have_in_common/
%
There once was a farmer, and he had two horses. [Warning: extremely long]

There once was a farmer, and he had two horses. One's name was Razzle, and the other's name was Dazzle. The farmer lived with these horses grazing in the field, and his faithful dog by his side. He lived the dream.
One day, the farmer decides that the horses should have a race. He puts Razzle and Dazzle at the starting line, and he raises the starting gun: *BLAM!* And it was,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that at the farm was the head of the county fair. And he said, "Ya know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the county fair!" And the farmer said, "Ya know, I might just do that."
And he did! The farmer brought Razzle and Dazzle to the race, and they lined up, and the head of the county fair raised his starting gun: *BLAM!* And it was,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that at the farm was the head of the state fair. And he said, "Ya know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the state fair!" And the farmer said, "Ya know, I might just do that."
And he did! The farmer brought Razzle and Dazzle to the race, and they lined up, and the head of the state fair raised his starting gun: *BLAM!* And it was,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that at the farm was the head of the national fair. And he said, "Ya know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the national fair!" And the farmer said, "Ya know, I might just do that."
And he did! The farmer brought Razzle and Dazzle to the race, and they lined up, and the head of the national fair raised his starting gun: *BLAM!* And it was,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that at the farm was the head of the World's Fair. And he said, "Ya know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the national fair!"
And the farmer said, "Wait, there's a horse race at the World's Fair? Isn't that an invention exhibition?"
The head of the World's Fair said, "Yeah, they just added a whole new part of the fair just for horse racing. Just roll with it."
And the farmer said, "Ya know, I might just do that."
And he did! The farmer brought Razzle and Dazzle to the race, and they lined up, and the head of the World's Fair raised his starting gun: *BLAM!* And it was,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that at the farm was the head of the solar system fair! And the alien said, "Beep bop boop gleeeeeep!" which roughly translates to "Ya know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the solar system fair!"
And the farmer said, "Ya know, I might just do that."
And he did! The farmer brought Razzle and Dazzle to the race, and they lined up, and the head of the solar system fair raised his starting phaser: *PEW!* And it was,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that at the farm was the head of the galaxial fair! And the alien said, "Y̡̙̯̲̲͕̙͍a̤̲̻͙̤ ̝̠̗̣͠k̤͓̖͇̥̞͘ͅn͓̯̩̦͞o͙̯̼̞͙̞w̛͈,̷͖͎̜̹̦̜ ̳ͅy̹̗̥͕͙̺͡o̗̙̮̳u̲̬͓̺ ̧ͅo̳̘̣͓͟u̦̝̺͙̭̙g̫̲̼͙̬̯̻ḫ̬̦͈̫̦́t͔͔̭̳̞a̢̮ ͕̱̜̻̘̝̹e̸͚̳͎̟̳n҉̪̟͇t̡͍͔͙̰͚̩̰e̱͎̬̪̟̪̟̕r͇͚͇ ̴̬̠̭̼̮t̳̖̣͟h̜͍o͏͓̻̱̯s̭͔̰͚e̠͖̤̹ ͍̳͕̣̮͓̝h̭̞͉̗̞̠o̙̼̼͓̞r̥̣̗ͅșḛ̶̼͔̮͇͕s̨̝ ̫̳̜̗o̞ͅf͉͍͎͙ ͚̹̞̼̺̞͟y̖͇͇͙̰̖̣ò͖͓͔̘͈ͅu̯̩̪̖͞r͘s̫͇ ̲̀ḭ̷̠̭̲̲n͈̮̣̫͞ ̼̥͓̣͈̙͡th͙̲̫͇̖͙͓͠e͞ ̬̟͎͖͍͜g̣̠̝̭͖̣̰a͈͔͕̖l͓̩a҉̼̤̺x̵͎̫͇̝̣ͅi͙͔͓͕̲a̻̙l̘͙̜͚ ̷̹̙͓f̛͈̳̟̝a͎̠i̞̲̯̪̻̼r̗̰̟͍̦̦͢!̰!" And the farmer said, "Ya know, I might just do that."
And he did! The farmer brought Razzle and Dazzle to the race, and they lined up, and the head of the galaxial fair raised his starting holographic gun projection: *BLAM!* (As recorded with secret microphones at the earlier World's Fair.) And it was,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle,
Dazzle,
Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that at the farm was the head of the intrauniversal fair! And the alien said,"Ya know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the intrauniversal fair!" (Why the alien could speak English is currently unknown and hotly debated among the scientific community, as is how the ho-hum farmer actually went to these events.) And the farmer said, "Nah. I'm tired."
And so this farmer went back to the farm, and he grew old. He eventually died, as all things do, aged dog still by his side, with Razzle and Dazzle still grazing in the fields.
One day, an old and grey Razzle turned to a slightly older, if not as grey, Dazzle.
Razzle said, "Ya know, in all those races we had, you never beat me. Not once."
Dazzle said, "Yup."
Razzle said, "Wanna have one last race? For old time's sake?"
Dazzle said, "Yup."
And so Razzle and Dazzle went to the starting line. And they waited for the starting gun. And waited some more. And then Razzle realized that they had no one to fire the gun! They began looking around for maybe a passerby who could fire the gun for them, when the dog trodded up to them! He said, "I can fire the gun for you!"
And Razzle looked at Dazzle, and Dazzle looked at Razzle, and said, "Look! A talking dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6frgyp/there_once_was_a_farmer_and_he_had_two_horses/
%
$100 BILL TATTOO

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fre5z/100_bill_tattoo/
%
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary.  For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6frc1l/my_dad_told_me_this_is_why_different_branches_of/
%
Buying chickens

A young city-slicker decides that he wants to raise chickens, so he visits a farmer in the country for some advice.
"Now, I know I'll need a rooster," the city-slicker says, "and I'm sure I'll need at least one chicken."
The farmer nods. "That's a good start, but you'll need to work on your lingo."
"My 'lingo?'" the city-slicker asks. "What's wrong with it?"
"Well, see, you said you'd need a rooster," answers the farmer. "Around these parts, we call that a cock. You also said you'd need a chicken... but as it happens, we call that a pullet. Anyway, I can sell you one of each so that you can get the hang of caring for them."
Money exchanges hands, and the city-slicker leaves, a chicken held under one arm and a rooster held under the other. He walks to a bus station, intent on catching a ride back to the city... but he discovers that he can't reach his wallet while carrying the two birds. After looking around for a moment, he spots a young woman standing near the side of the road.
"Excuse me, miss," the city-slicker says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I need a small favor."
The young woman eyes the man. "Sure, honey," she answers, "what's the trouble?"
Hoping to ingratiate himself with the locals, the city-slicker decides to use his new vocabulary while discussing his bus fare. "I need to get out some money," he says, "so I was hoping you could hold my cock and pullet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6frbla/buying_chickens/
%
I subscribed to a great new magazine the other day.

There's just one issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fravi/i_subscribed_to_a_great_new_magazine_the_other_day/
%
Ever since my daughter was born people have said, "She looks just like you!"

I'm not sure how to take that.  I think -- maybe -- they're trying to be nice?  But they've literally just said, "Hey, your little girl looks just like a fat, balding middle aged man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fr7kf/ever_since_my_daughter_was_born_people_have_said/
%
A Gentleman Is Drinking In A Bar

He has a little too much and throws up on his shirt.  "Oh no, my wife is going to kill me." he says.  Another guy at the bar sees he is in trouble and decides to help him.  He walks over and tells the guy to take a $20 bill out of his wallet, and put it in his front pocket.  He tells him when he sees his wife to take out the money and explain that a drunk guy at the bar puked on him then paid him for the shirt.  Later when the man gets home his wife asks him what happened.  He pulls the money out of his pocket hands it to her and explains that a drunk guy puked on his shirt and gave him $20 for the damage.  "But wait, there is $40 here." says his wife.  The man replies, "Oh, he also shat my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fr3u4/a_gentleman_is_drinking_in_a_bar/
%
First they came for the mimes..

And oh hell yeah I said something.   I didn't want them to think I was a mime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fqwnq/first_they_came_for_the_mimes/
%
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fqw7y/president_donald_trump_and_his_driver_were/
%
If a mime went jihadi and did a suicide bombing...

Would it be an unspeakable act of terrorism?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fqtb2/if_a_mime_went_jihadi_and_did_a_suicide_bombing/
%
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fqslf/i_just_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon/
%
Just in from the Middle East

Media reports that people in Dubai wouldn't understand the
humor in the "Flintstones" but, I know for a fact that
people in Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fqqn7/just_in_from_the_middle_east/
%
My biggest fear, when I first started dating, was meeting the girl's father.

But I mainly dated black girls, so it was never really an issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fqmew/my_biggest_fear_when_i_first_started_dating_was/
%
A woman walks into a supermarket.

She buys a bar of soap, a roll of toilet paper, a single size dinner, and a single size ice cream. The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?" The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" He replies, "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fqlyt/a_woman_walks_into_a_supermarket/
%
Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?

Because he might be blind, but at least he's not black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fqir2/why_is_stevie_wonder_always_smiling/
%
A shy pirate visits a prostitute

after being at sea for many months. He searches for the kindest looking one, in hopes that she won't mention anything about his accident, and strikes up a conversation. They go upstairs for a little fun. Hesitantly, he lets her remove his pants. She doesn't say anything at first, but curiosity eventually takes hold, and she asks. "How did you end up with a tiny steering wheel on your penis?"
The pirate responds "I don't rightly know, but it drives me nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fqhz4/a_shy_pirate_visits_a_prostitute/
%
A Trashy Career

“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fqcox/a_trashy_career/
%
I named my printer Bob Marley...

Because it's always jammin'...
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fqcc1/i_named_my_printer_bob_marley/
%
I hate when people talk about me behind my back

They discussed me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fqacg/i_hate_when_people_talk_about_me_behind_my_back/
%
My friend asked what me what I hated the most on a beautiful girl.

Me: The ring on her finger.
My friend: What's next?
Me: The ring on my finger...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fq899/my_friend_asked_what_me_what_i_hated_the_most_on/
%
I used to be a XXX movie editor but got fired.

My boss walked by my desk one day and I wasn't watching porn on my computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fq6me/i_used_to_be_a_xxx_movie_editor_but_got_fired/
%
Dont fart in an Apple store..

They don't have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fq3o2/dont_fart_in_an_apple_store/
%
Why does Hitler wear glasses?

Because he can nazi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fq2cg/why_does_hitler_wear_glasses/
%
What does your future and a group of crows have in common?

A murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fq1bv/what_does_your_future_and_a_group_of_crows_have/
%
Want to hear a deaf joke?

So do they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fq0xy/want_to_hear_a_deaf_joke/
%
How to tumble down the stairs:

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Step 5
and so on...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpzc0/how_to_tumble_down_the_stairs/
%
Deciding whether to buy gold or silver...

...is an either ore situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpz5c/deciding_whether_to_buy_gold_or_silver/
%
My toilet was gone when I got home from work today.

All I got was a note saying "I can't take your shit anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpvhw/my_toilet_was_gone_when_i_got_home_from_work_today/
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What do you call it when your Cloud (IT) services go down?

Rain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpusq/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_cloud_it_services/
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You know what they say, where there's a will...

there's a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpul3/you_know_what_they_say_where_theres_a_will/
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Did you hear about the man who was taken off the organ transplant list?

He was so disheartened

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpsyn/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_was_taken_off_the/
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Having a baby in the south is like yeast...

Y'know, cause it's in-bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpseh/having_a_baby_in_the_south_is_like_yeast/
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Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpq1y/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_reviews_herbs_and/
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Given how much damage Trump is doing to the environment...

his secret service code name is officially "Agent Orange".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpp8r/given_how_much_damage_trump_is_doing_to_the/
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An Older Couple Are Having Dinner At A Nice Restaurant

Coincidentally, it is their 30th anniversary, and is also the same restaurant where the man proposed to his wife.  The man leans toward the his wife and quietly says to her, "Remember how we had sex in the alley behind this place when we got engaged?"  "Yes." the woman replies.  "Lets do it again." says the man.  Meanwhile a cop sitting at a table near them overhears their conversation and decides to bust them.  The older couple finish their meal then head outside into the alleyway.  There is an old chain link fence, and it's the same one on which they had sex 30 years ago.  They begin making love with the woman's back on the fence while the cop is secretly watching.  He's about to approach them when he notices their love making is abnormally vigorous for a couple in their 60's.  In fact, it is stunning.  They are going at it harder than any porn you have ever seen.  After they were finished the cop walks up and says, "I was going to arrest you two for what you just did, but I'm so impressed I just don't think I can.  How on earth did you do that?"  The man of the couple replies, "We are a bit surprised too.  The last time we did that, that fence wasn't electric."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpp8l/an_older_couple_are_having_dinner_at_a_nice/
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Why is Excel like a hotel maid?

They both spread sheets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpldf/why_is_excel_like_a_hotel_maid/
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There are lots of drugs in the prisons.

It is smuggled there by some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpj5i/there_are_lots_of_drugs_in_the_prisons/
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Harley Davidson creator dies and meets God

The Creator of Harley Davidson dies and meets St Peter at the pearly gates. Peter asks him, "why would you create something like a Harley?? They're loud, unreliable, slow, never on time, and expensive.  I'm going to have to take you to God to make the decision." So he takes him to God and God asks him the same question, the Harley creator's response was "well why did you create women? They're loud, unreliable, slow, never on time and expensive." God then pulls out a calculator and proceeds to punch in some numbers and responds, "just did the numbers and way more people are riding my creation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fphgr/harley_davidson_creator_dies_and_meets_god/
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did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into the crocodile pit?

he ate 6 crocs before they could pull him out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fph7u/did_you_hear_about_the_ethiopian_who_fell_into/
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An interviewer asked how I do under pressure.

I told him I'm like a rock: given enough time and pressure, I fold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpgu4/an_interviewer_asked_how_i_do_under_pressure/
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Cell Phone

I put my phone under my pillow last night. When I woke up it was gone and there was a pound coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth fairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpe9a/cell_phone/
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Time flies like an arrow,

Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpdvx/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
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The Deepest Hole in the World

3 men are in a car driving down a long winding country road late at night.  Suddenly the driver notices a huge hole in their path and stops the car immediately.  They all get out and stand near the edge in awe.  Why is this here?  How deep is it?  What the hell?  They are quite puzzled by their discovery.  One of the men picks up a fist sized rock and drops it in.  They hear nothing.  They spot a large boulder on the side of the road and decide to throw that in next.  Maybe they'll be able to hear it.  It takes 2 of them, but they roll it to the edge then into the hole.  They wait several seconds, but hear nothing but deafening silence.  One of the men spots a big oak log on the side of the road, and they decide to drop that in next.  "By God we'll hear that!  There is no way we won't."  It takes the strength of all 3 of them, but they finally roll it to the hole, and in it goes.  They hear something!  But it isn't coming from the hole, it's coming from behind them.  They turn around to see a goat running at them full speed.  They jump out of the way and are narrowly missed as the goat leaps into the abyss.  "What the hell was that, was that the devil or something?!"  A few minutes pass and another man comes up in a truck.  One of the 3 asks the man if he knew what the deal with the hole is.  He replies, "I don't know, I just came to get my goat.  Have you guys seen him?"  "We saw a goat run up and jump in that hole a few minutes ago" replies one of the 3.  The guy in the truck says, "Couldn't have been my goat.  I had him chained to a log around here somewhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpd74/the_deepest_hole_in_the_world/
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How did the priest find the little boy in the tall grass?

Delightful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fpd6l/how_did_the_priest_find_the_little_boy_in_the/
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A man was getting ready to close his bar for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun.

He yells to him, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared man pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
He says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the the man's head and says, "Alright, now give me a blowjob!
"Anything!" cries the man, "Just don't shoot!"
The man starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun.
Man sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! Somebody might walk in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fp7vq/a_man_was_getting_ready_to_close_his_bar_for_the/
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When did Pinocchio realized that he is made from wood?

When his right arm caught on fire...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fp6qi/when_did_pinocchio_realized_that_he_is_made_from/
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There's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven.

Speaks to God's projected traffic patterns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fp5f0/theres_a_highway_to_hell_and_a_stairway_to_heaven/
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You’re one in a million

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fp43l/youre_one_in_a_million/
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I came across an old family photo this morning.

Then I had to wipe it up before anyone got home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fp3pa/i_came_across_an_old_family_photo_this_morning/
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I got mad when I sat on the toilet and my seat was warm and wet.

The man I sat on wasn't too happy either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fovhx/i_got_mad_when_i_sat_on_the_toilet_and_my_seat/
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A man met a shepherd for tea...

...once a week. One day the man noticed that there seemed to be a few more sheep than his last visit. He shrugged it off and had tea without bringing it up.
The next week he noticed more sheep than before covering the hillside behind the shepherd's house. He asked his friend, "Why do you have so many more sheep?"
The shepherd answered, "Oh, my son says I need them."
The man was puzzled, but figured he was bulking up the herd.
For the next few weeks the man was on vacation and missed tea with the shepherd. When he met up at the shepherd's house for tea again, there were sheep everywhere, busting out of the windows, covering the roof, packed in so tight that he could hardly open the gate.
When he finally made his way to the house and called inside he asked, "What is with all these sheep??"
A yell came from inside, "My fool son! Every time I call for help with my computer he says I need more ram!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fouu6/a_man_met_a_shepherd_for_tea/
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Taking a women to bed - How the story changes

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fou6l/taking_a_women_to_bed_how_the_story_changes/
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True love lasts forever!!!!

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fou1f/true_love_lasts_forever/
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A genie and an idiot,,,,

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fotfa/a_genie_and_an_idiot/
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At 70, she still had a body like an hourglass

Brittle and full of sand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fora8/at_70_she_still_had_a_body_like_an_hourglass/
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My history teacher told me a joke about WW2 today...

If you have unknown troops in front of you and you want to find out who they are, fire a few rounds in their direction.
If you are met with precision machine gun fire, they’re German.
If you are met by a volley of precision rifle fire, they are British.
If they surrender, they’re Italian.
If there is a mass wave of infantry and tanks, they’re Russian.
If there is a bayonet and sword charge, they’re Japanese.
If everything is quiet for a minute or two, and suddenly you are in the middle of a massive artillery barrage and air strikes, they are American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fondu/my_history_teacher_told_me_a_joke_about_ww2_today/
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Damn girl are you a school?

I would like to shoot some kids inside you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fom5x/damn_girl_are_you_a_school/
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Once two girls asked me if I wanted a threesome.

I told them that if I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I would just go home to my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6folej/once_two_girls_asked_me_if_i_wanted_a_threesome/
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Why do Aboriginals hate snow?

Because it's white and on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6folb3/why_do_aboriginals_hate_snow/
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I'm considering selling all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.

Imagine all the PayPal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fokxr/im_considering_selling_all_my_john_lennon/
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My girlfriend complained about her new bunny misbehaving

I said "just give her some thyme".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fojps/my_girlfriend_complained_about_her_new_bunny/
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Richard, My Selfish Friend

I like my friend Richard. Sometimes we even hang out with our Chinese neighbor, Yu. One day I was at Yu's house looking through his Disney movie collection and notice that one of them is missing. We remember that we lent it to Richard. Yu called him.
"Hey Rich, you remember that Disney movie I lent you? Could you return it now? It's been a long time."
"Sorry mate. No can do. Still haven't watched it. I'll keep it for the time being."
The next day, Yu was trying to pick apples from his trees, but didn't have the proper equipments. Knowing Richard was a big, tall guy, I called him so he could help him out. He eventually came over and gave Yu a boost on his shoulders. When Yu was finished, he wanted to return to the ground.
"Buddy, could you let me down please?"
"Sorry mate. No can do. You can stay right up there." Then he walked away with Yu on his shoulders.
The next day, I call Richard and Yu over to my house because I'm renovating my living room and I needed help l needed help moving around furnitures.
Now as opposed to Richard,Yu isn't a big guy. He's actually pretty small and feeble. But Richard's just running around carrying 27 things in his arms and almost hitting Yu multiple times. Yu gets scared and asked him to slow down.
"Sorry mate, no can do. But I won't hurt ya. Don't worry a thing."
I think Richard is a good person after all.
Because he's
Never going to give Yu Up, never going to let Yu down, never going to run around and hurt Yu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6foil6/richard_my_selfish_friend/
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The perfect penis. [NSFW]

A father takes his son to the bathroom. While they are peeing, the little boy looks over at his fathers penis as asked "What is that?"
The father looks at his son and says "That son, is the perfect penis."
The next day the boy is at school. He invites one of his girl classmates over. He tells her to have a look a look at his penis.
The girl says "Oh my! What is that?"
The boy says "That is an almost perfect penis"
The girl asks why is it almost perfect.
The boy responds " My dad says if it was a little smaller it would be the perfect penis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6foevf/the_perfect_penis_nsfw/
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Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'
Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6foeke/fart_football/
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I'm 30 days clean now

Taking a shower every day was hard, it's a good thing I had meth to get me through it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6focd2/im_30_days_clean_now/
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Today I donated a watch...

Today I donated a watch and $500 dollars to a poor guy. You don't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put back his knife in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6foa4s/today_i_donated_a_watch/
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Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fo9m5/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
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Do you know why Turkeys make good warriors?

Because they ain't no chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fo8h8/do_you_know_why_turkeys_make_good_warriors/
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How did the ISIS soldier cross the road?

In pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fo83k/how_did_the_isis_soldier_cross_the_road/
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You're always going to be the best version of you!

Unless, of course, there's an actor better at being you than you are at being you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fo7qh/youre_always_going_to_be_the_best_version_of_you/
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Two Italians are sitting in the NYC subway

One says to the other, "first Emma comes, then I come, then two asses come together, then I come again, then two asses again, then I peepee, and finally I come for the last time."
An old lady looks aghast at the two men and admonished them, "you're in the subway! Behave appropriately!"
So the Italian man said, "relax lady, I'm just reaching my friend here to spell Mississippi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fo72x/two_italians_are_sitting_in_the_nyc_subway/
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An Italian mobster gives his son a Beretta for his 18th birthday. "Carry it everywhere" he says as he hands it to him.

The next day, the son comes home without the gun, but is sporting a brand new Rolex on his wrist. The father asks him:
"Sona, where is the guna I gave you"
"I traded it ina for a Rolexa" says his son.
"YOU STUPIDA FOOLA!!" yells his dad "One day you will hopefully hava wifa. Imagine coming homa and seeing her naked in your beda with your best frienda. What are you gonna say, it's a quarter to sixa????"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fo4uj/an_italian_mobster_gives_his_son_a_beretta_for/
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When I die, I want my body to be scattered about at Disney World

But I do not want to be cremated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fo18h/when_i_die_i_want_my_body_to_be_scattered_about/
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What did the assassin say when his co-worker got the promotion?

I would've killed for that position lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fo16j/what_did_the_assassin_say_when_his_coworker_got/
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They say dunking your head in cold water helps wake you up

But no one realizes boiling water is much more effective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fo0va/they_say_dunking_your_head_in_cold_water_helps/
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A man comes across some rather large women...

He overhears them speaking with an interesting accent:
Man: "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?"
Ladies: "No, Wales."
Man: "Oh, I'm sorry, are you whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fntmq/a_man_comes_across_some_rather_large_women/
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You know what they say about Anti Jokes.

She's married to Uncle Jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fnrw7/you_know_what_they_say_about_anti_jokes/
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Three nuns are talking...

The first one says, "Do you know what I found in the Father's room the other day? A stack of pornographic magazines!"
The second nun says, "I can top that! I was in his room the other day, and I found a whole packet of condoms! I poked holes in all of them!"
"Oh shit!" the third nun says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fnlpd/three_nuns_are_talking/
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When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fnh37/when_you_say_the_word_poo_your_lips_make_the_same/
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Man looked his naked body in the mirror says to wife-look 75 kg of pure dynamite

Wife says: but shame on the 5 cm fuse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fngm6/man_looked_his_naked_body_in_the_mirror_says_to/
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A Chinese man goes to an optometrist complaining of blurriness in one eye

The optometrist examines him and says "You have a cataract."
To which the Chinese man replies "Noh, I drive Lincoln Coninenal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fndjg/a_chinese_man_goes_to_an_optometrist_complaining/
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A hippie wants to have sex with a nun

So he figures, "What the hell, might as well try" and approaches the nun and asks to have sex.
"No thank you, I must save myself for God" the nun politely replies. At the next stop, she gets off the bus, and goes about her day.
The hippie, now in a slump, is walking off the bus when the bus driver taps him on the shoulder. "Hey, I saw what happened, and I think I can help."
Excitedly the hippie replies "Please, I really want to have sex with a nun!"
The driver leans in,  "Ok buddy. Listen closely. Every Sunday night at 10:00, I drop that nun off at the cemetery where she prays to God for hours. If you disguise yourself as God, I guarantee you can convince her to have sex with you."
At this point the hippie is thinking, 'Right on, she's mine for the taking' and his morale has skyrocketed. He hands the driver a generous tip, and uses the rest of his money to buy a disguise.
Sunday night comes, and the hippie is decked out in a sparkling white robe, long grey wig and fake beard; and sure enough at 10:00, the nun arrives as promised.
Cautiously approaching her, the hippie reveals himself and says "Alas, it is I, God. I have come to answer your prayers, but first you must have sex with me!"
The nun, struck by awe, looks at the hippie and says "Yes my lord! But can we do anal so I can remain pure for you?"
'Home run' thinks the hippie. "Of course my child" he answers.
Soon enough, the hippie has finally had completed his quest of having sex with the nun, so he rips off his disguise and yells "AH-HA! ITS ME! THE HIPPIE!"
At that moment, the nun rips off her disguise and says "AH-HA! ITS ME! THE BUS DRIVER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fnb3t/a_hippie_wants_to_have_sex_with_a_nun/
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Panda's tale

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money,"she says. The panda says "for what?" the woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says "I don't have to pay you I'm a panda look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up the word "Panda" in the dictionary and it reads "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fnayx/pandas_tale/
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I decided to teach Karate to my neighbor's kid for free

He was enthusiastic the first 2 days but then quit before he could finish painting the fences...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fn8an/i_decided_to_teach_karate_to_my_neighbors_kid_for/
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Last night I was having a stroke and yelled for my wife to come and help me.

She said "Put your dick away, the kids are still up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fn857/last_night_i_was_having_a_stroke_and_yelled_for/
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When do cows go to sleep?

When it's pasture bedtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fn4zr/when_do_cows_go_to_sleep/
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What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit the Frog's finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fn4ub/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
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My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother’s surprise party.

That’s when I realized he was her favourite twin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fn43k/my_mother_asked_me_to_hand_out_invitations_to_my/
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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.
The next day, another girl came in with a Y shaped mark on her breasts. Upon inquiry, she said her boyfriend goes to Yale and he made love to her in his sweater. The doctor gave her the same cream and told her it will get better in a week.
The next day, another girl came in with a M shaped mark on her torso. The doctor said "lemme guess, your boyfriend goes to Michigan". She said "No, my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin"
Heard this one on the radio today and wanted to share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fn3al/nsfw_a_girl_visits_the_doctor_with_a_large_h/
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What was the woman's reaction to finding her husband's Viagra prescription?

She took it really hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fn1tr/what_was_the_womans_reaction_to_finding_her/
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Adam was sitting under the apple tree in the Garden of Eden.

He was looking very content, smoking a cigarette.  God saw this and appeared before Adam.  God asks Adam "So, how do you like Eve?"  Adam replies "Eve is just great, thank you so much for creating her."  God then asks "Do you like the vagina?  Any complaints, I spent a lot of time trying to get it right."  Adam replies "The vagina is amazing, truly spectacular, I have no complaints."  God then asks "So, where is Eve at?"  Adam responds "Oh, shes down at the river cleaning her self up after all that fun we had."  God, seemingly angry "Oh DAMN IT!  I'll never be able to get that smell off the fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fn12g/adam_was_sitting_under_the_apple_tree_in_the/
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Car accidents and dwarves.

A man was texting and driving and generally not paying attention to the road. As he approached the stoplight, he slammed on his breaks a bit too late and collided into the car in front of him. Flustered, he searched for his insurance and waited for the man in the car in front of him to approach him.
He saw the car door in front of him open and out walked a very short, slightly chubby man with long gray hair and a beard to match. The man approached his window with an angry look and exclaimed, "I'm not *happy!*"
Giving him a second look, the man asked, "Then which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmyls/car_accidents_and_dwarves/
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Superman is flying around the city,

horny as hell.  He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building.  Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye.  Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?"  The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but my arse hurts like hell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmyae/superman_is_flying_around_the_city/
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Did you know that drinking the fluid in a magic 8-ball will let you see the future?

I actually have a friend who tried it. He said "I'm going to die" and he was right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmxsy/did_you_know_that_drinking_the_fluid_in_a_magic/
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What do terrorists, and a filming of The Hunchback of Notre Dame have in common?

They were both shot on location.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmw4d/what_do_terrorists_and_a_filming_of_the_hunchback/
%
Australians don't have sex.

They mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmv8h/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
How do you recognize a surprised leper patient?

Their jaw drops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmu7g/how_do_you_recognize_a_surprised_leper_patient/
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How does James Hetfield wipe his butt?

Back to the front

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmt4n/how_does_james_hetfield_wipe_his_butt/
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Jesus walks into a hotel and hands the receptionist 3 nails...

And asks "Do you think you could put me up for the night"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fms25/jesus_walks_into_a_hotel_and_hands_the/
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I sang Danny Boy at the nursing home the other day

There wasn't a dry seat in the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmpzn/i_sang_danny_boy_at_the_nursing_home_the_other_day/
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The bloke with turrets syndrome

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.
'Where's the pissing, mother fucking manager, you cock sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the fucking manager of this bastard place?'
'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you would refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.
'Fuck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the fucking piano?' 'Pardon?' says the manager.
'Fucking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your cunting piano.' 'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and he shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'
'Of course I fucking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
'That's superb. What's it called?'
'I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept Hurting My Dick,' replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'
'I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls Caught In The Soap Drawer'.
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.
'As I Fuck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off Your Hairy Ring-Piece,' replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on.
She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice.
'Where's that bastard pianist?'
He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear,
'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?'
'Know it?' the bloke replies 'I fucking wrote it.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmpgg/the_bloke_with_turrets_syndrome/
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How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which  period it came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmouw/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archaeologist/
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My wife told me to go to the doctor to get some of those pills that help get an erection

Mfw I brought her a box of diet pills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmoh4/my_wife_told_me_to_go_to_the_doctor_to_get_some/
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What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a white man with no girlfriend?

Alien vs Redditor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmobs/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_a_mexican_and_a/
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There are two types of people in this world

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmo6q/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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TIL Stephen Hawking is British

Never realized because of his accent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmntc/til_stephen_hawking_is_british/
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What's the worst word to get in charades?

Bangkok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmnnd/whats_the_worst_word_to_get_in_charades/
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A man narrowly escaped a head shot but it grazed his ear.

He was between life and deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fmnec/a_man_narrowly_escaped_a_head_shot_but_it_grazed/
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My girlfriend Dora found out I installed Tinder.

She said, "Swiper no swiping!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6flzyz/my_girlfriend_dora_found_out_i_installed_tinder/
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Board Game Shop

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is 'die'.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it's die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6flze0/board_game_shop/
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Trumps first few months in office have been pretty rough.

His all-in-one printer broke down, so he's had to use some alternative fax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6flxa4/trumps_first_few_months_in_office_have_been/
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Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music?

Because they can only use OneNote!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6flx5x/why_is_microsoft_so_bad_at_writing_music/
%
Our first born is 9 months old and I got to make my first Dad Joke

Wife: Have you noticed he feels a little warm?
Me: Yes, but he is teething, so that is to be expected. He seems to be feeling ok.
Wife: Well I took his temperature just now.
Me: Did you give it back?
Wife: ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6flwli/our_first_born_is_9_months_old_and_i_got_to_make/
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Google is useless...

I  tried looking up lighters and all they had was 48,200,000 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6flwfb/google_is_useless/
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What's 12 inches long

, filled with semen, hard as a rock, and makes every girl scream?
The sock under my bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6flulz/whats_12_inches_long/
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Boys playing with their nuts at the cemetery

On the border of a small Aussie town, there was a big, old macadamia tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket of macadamia nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fln15/boys_playing_with_their_nuts_at_the_cemetery/
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Going to the toy store with your mother as a child is normal.

Going to the toy store with your mother as an adult is weird.
I don't get it though.
I'm an adult.
She's an adult.
The sign says 'Adult Toy Store'
Fucking double standards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6flhnr/going_to_the_toy_store_with_your_mother_as_a/
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My friend said her husband has erectile dysfunction

Me: "Well, I guess your husband has thrust issues."
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6flfof/my_friend_said_her_husband_has_erectile/
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Why couldn't the Egyptian man accept that he was drowning?

Because he was in de-NILE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6flf3y/why_couldnt_the_egyptian_man_accept_that_he_was/
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Whenever I feel blue

I start breathing again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fldpg/whenever_i_feel_blue/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fl7jt/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
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I lost a loved one recently and while I was sad at first, I'm okay with it now...

The wiki says they get brought back next season.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fl6de/i_lost_a_loved_one_recently_and_while_i_was_sad/
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Two goldfish are in their tank...

One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fl5kq/two_goldfish_are_in_their_tank/
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What side is the hairiest side on a dog?

The outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fl489/what_side_is_the_hairiest_side_on_a_dog/
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Priests know you better than your actual parents.

They bathed you when you were born,
They fed you bread and wine,
They initiated you into the club,
They listened to all your dirty secrets,
And they've explored the innermost depths of your asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fl43r/priests_know_you_better_than_your_actual_parents/
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What courier do terrorists use?

TNT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fl1nx/what_courier_do_terrorists_use/
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I hadn't had sex in so long,

I forgot what a woman's penis looks like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkz7l/i_hadnt_had_sex_in_so_long/
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What's the key to destruction?

Anarchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkxkn/whats_the_key_to_destruction/
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What do you call a goose in a tuxedo telling the news?

Media Proper Gander

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkupp/what_do_you_call_a_goose_in_a_tuxedo_telling_the/
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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkrzl/on_the_first_night_of_their_honeymoon_the_new/
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Attention everyone: there is a national lettuce shortage

everyone please romaine calm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkra3/attention_everyone_there_is_a_national_lettuce/
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[NSFW] I was in the pub with my mates last night.

"Hey Dave," I said "I'll buy you drinks for the rest of the night if you manage to get a blowjob out of that Thai bird at the bar."
"You're on." he said, slamming his glass on the table.
10 minutes later he comes back: "That was fucking easy" he said while wiping the cum from around his mouth, "Pint of Guinness please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkquv/nsfw_i_was_in_the_pub_with_my_mates_last_night/
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I went to a dance.

First they played 'Jump', and I jumped.
Then they played 'The Twist', and I twisted.
Then they played 'Come On Eileen', and I got kicked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkqkd/i_went_to_a_dance/
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"You treat me like a dog," said my wife....

"We need to sit and talk about it right now," she continued.
"Ok," I replied, "but not on the sofa."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkq23/you_treat_me_like_a_dog_said_my_wife/
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What do you call a phone in prison?

A cell phone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkmgc/what_do_you_call_a_phone_in_prison/
%
There are two types of people in the world

those who need closure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkl4c/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party,

So I made her and all her friends clean the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkkx3/my_daughter_wanted_a_cinderella_themed_birthday/
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Men are like floor tiles...

Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkksr/men_are_like_floor_tiles/
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I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair & brush my teeth.

I think they may be trying to groom me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkk4v/ive_been_getting_anonymous_texts_from_someone/
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How does a blackjack dealer sneak about?

He shuffles a round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkig4/how_does_a_blackjack_dealer_sneak_about/
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A limbo champion walks into a bar

He's disqualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkhsl/a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
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'My Grandfather Invented the Cold Air Balloon.'

But it never really took off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkeyd/my_grandfather_invented_the_cold_air_balloon/
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I asked my dad how I was born

Me: Dad, how was I born ?
Dad: It's a really long story
Me: (all excited) Tell me..I wana hear it
Dad: Once upon a time, it was a cold night and all the pharmacies were closed....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fke1e/i_asked_my_dad_how_i_was_born/
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What's with this "Han shot first" nonsense?

Its pretty obvious the camera shot both of them first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fkb2r/whats_with_this_han_shot_first_nonsense/
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a pornstar?

Nothing, they both spend their careers fucking people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fka3i/whats_the_difference_between_a_lawyer_and_a/
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If I had a dollar for every gender...

...I'd have $1.77

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fk6tw/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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My girlfriend must want to be a historian.

Because shes always bringing up the past

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fk6lc/my_girlfriend_must_want_to_be_a_historian/
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The past , future and present walk into a bar

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fk4b7/the_past_future_and_present_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why did LeBron James skip college?

He didn't want to show up for finals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fk37m/why_did_lebron_james_skip_college/
%
I'm a pessimist and an optimist,

So when I see a glass half empty I pour it into a smaller glass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fjuuk/im_a_pessimist_and_an_optimist/
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I hope y'all have a beautiful morning

wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fjsc3/i_hope_yall_have_a_beautiful_morning/
%
[NSFW] It was pretty late at night....

And I was eating out my grandma, when I tasted horse semen, and then I realized, "So that's how she died..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fjrgg/nsfw_it_was_pretty_late_at_night/
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What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fjh57/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_who_has_escaped/
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Agent: "Welcome to Delta, can I help you?"

Passenger: "Hi, I'm going to Boston. I'd like this bag sent to Miami, and this one to Atlanta."
Agent: "I'm sorry, but we can't do that sir."
Passenger: "Really? Because you did it last week..."
Credit to /u/SilverbackBob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fjg7j/agent_welcome_to_delta_can_i_help_you/
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A guy walks into a bar...

...with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says to the bartender "I'll take a drink, and one for the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fjecv/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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An old time prospector lives 50 miles outside of the only town for a hundred miles

This old timer is well known for only coming in to town once a year, to spend his money on whiskey and supplies, never to be seen again until the next year.
One year, he comes to town, heads straight for the bar, and tells the bartender "set 'em up, I'm celebratin'!"
After he knocks back a few, he motions for the bartender to come closer, and whispers "hey, I just got my money from the claim for this year, and I'm lookin' to spend some of it...ya'll got any women' round here?"
The bartender replies "nope, haven't had any women 'round these parts since summer before last.  But if it's a good time you're lookin' fer, we got 'ol Jim round the back."
The old prospector jumps up and shouts "goddammit I ain't one of them city fellers, and I ain't into that shit!"
He storms out and no one sees him for the rest of the year.
The next year, around the same time, the old prospector comes down from his claim, and goes to the bank, and then straight to the bar again.  He tells the bartender "set up them glasses and leave the bottle, I've got some drinkin' to do!"
After he's downed about 6 shots, he motions the bartender over, and whispers
"I've been up on that claim 'fer years and haven't seen nor felt a woman in ages.  You got any women what I might pay for some comp'ny?"
The bartender replies "Welp, we did have a lass come through about September, but she gone off to San Francisco after a couple a' weeks.  But if'n you're that hard up, we still got 'ol Jim 'round the back."
The prospector leaps up and practically roars, "I done told you last year I ain't into that shit!!"
He leaves town in a huff and no one sees him for a full two years this time.
2 years later, the prospector comes riding into town, heads as usual for the bank, and then straight to the bar.  He calls the bartender and says "a round for everyone in here, and a bottle o' your finest juss for me!  I got two years worth of catchin' up in me!!"
After the prospector is good and tipsy, he motions the bartender over, and whispers "Listen, I know ya said you ain't got no women the last time I came through here, but anything changed since then?"
The bartender shakes his head and says, "sorry mister, the last woman I seen was the school mistress what died of consumption last July.  But if you're really itchin' fer somethin' we still got 'ol Jim 'round the back."
The prospector takes one look at the bartender, and says, "Look mister, I told you I ain't into that shit!"  Then he leans closer and whispers even lower, "But, um, supposin' I was to go round back with 'ol Jim...who 'round here would know about it?"
The bartender looks at him, thinks for a minute, and says "Welp, there's you 'o course, and there's me, and obviously 'ol Jim's gotta know about it too.  Oh, and there's the two other guys."
The prospector looks baffled, and says, "what the hell would we need to bring in two other guys for?"
The bartender replies "Why for holdin 'ol Jim of course! He ain't into that shit neither!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fjccc/an_old_time_prospector_lives_50_miles_outside_of/
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Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fjca6/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_clickbait/
%
I ran into a salesman offering me a pencil with invisible lead.

I almost bought it, but I couldn't really see the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fjbr2/i_ran_into_a_salesman_offering_me_a_pencil_with/
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Women's English vs. Men's English

**Women's English**
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
**Men's English**
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fjaf3/womens_english_vs_mens_english/
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I went for a run , but came home back after 2 minutes because I forgot something

I forgot that I was fat and couldn't run for more than 2 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fj99q/i_went_for_a_run_but_came_home_back_after_2/
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Guys-- I finally got laid- !

... Off from work.
My last day is Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fj7wz/guys_i_finally_got_laid/
%
My wife says I have a problem with alcohol abuse.

I politely told her I don't. I managed to stay calm and kiss her goodnight even though I was getting so angry.
When she went to bed I punched my bottle of Jack Daniels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fj2d5/my_wife_says_i_have_a_problem_with_alcohol_abuse/
%
They say the fastest disappearing thing in the universe is the speed of light

Still 2nd place to my dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fj25h/they_say_the_fastest_disappearing_thing_in_the/
%
[NSFW] Jack and Jill

"Jack and Jill went up the hill,
so Jack could lick her candy.
Jack was shocked when he got a mouthful of cock,
Jill's real name was Randy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fj1g9/nsfw_jack_and_jill/
%
What's the longest sentence you can think of?

Life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fizos/whats_the_longest_sentence_you_can_think_of/
%
I hate generalisations...

Everyone who makes them is stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fiznl/i_hate_generalisations/
%
Why is it foggy at cemeteries?

Because the people there are mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fiz99/why_is_it_foggy_at_cemeteries/
%
Why does France have so many rivers?

Water follows the path of least resistance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fixg9/why_does_france_have_so_many_rivers/
%
A guy gets a call his wife is in labor...

He rushes off to the hospital, but gets stuck in traffic. By the time he gets to the hospital his wife has already had the baby. So he heads down to the nursery to see his new baby. He sees his child sleeping and a nurse walks up and ask, " is this your baby?" The nurse picks up the baby and holds the child up to the father and gently rocks him, the dad is in awe... she takes the baby and throws it against the wall. The dad freaks out and starts screaming and the nurse tells him to calm down...
" I was kidding, it was a still born."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fivxa/a_guy_gets_a_call_his_wife_is_in_labor/
%
There once was a vampire named Mable

Who's period was ever so stable
So every full moon
She pulled out a spoon
And drank herself under the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fiuvn/there_once_was_a_vampire_named_mable/
%
Why Does NASA Have No Competition?

Because they destroyed their last challenger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fitgo/why_does_nasa_have_no_competition/
%
Why did the snakes get divorced?

Because of a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fitds/why_did_the_snakes_get_divorced/
%
Hospitals

Place where positive means a bad news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6firwz/hospitals/
%
What do you call a black man sneaking into a house late at night?

Incognegro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6firnq/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_sneaking_into_a/
%
A friend of mine once left his accordion in his unlocked car.

Imagine his shock when he returned half an hour later to find *two* accordions in the back seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fio1x/a_friend_of_mine_once_left_his_accordion_in_his/
%
I met a guy who was advocating death to all lefties.

He was a right supremacist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fimdx/i_met_a_guy_who_was_advocating_death_to_all/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fikvd/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
my girlfriend is a pornstar.

She's gonna be pissed when she finds out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fiks5/my_girlfriend_is_a_pornstar/
%
If attacked by a mob of zombie clowns...

go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fijxk/if_attacked_by_a_mob_of_zombie_clowns/
%
I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said “Look, if it bothers you, I’ll stop.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fijxc/i_was_in_the_confessional_booth_today_and_i_asked/
%
Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex.

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fijj7/studies_suggest_when_it_comes_to_dealing_with/
%
Why did the boy bring a fig to the prom?

Because he couldn't find a date!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fiix4/why_did_the_boy_bring_a_fig_to_the_prom/
%
My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fiiuj/my_girlfriends_writing_an_erotic_novel_about_a/
%
"How much for the five-dick condom?"

"Uh, sir, that's a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fii65/how_much_for_the_fivedick_condom/
%
The wage gap is sexist, because a woman gets 70 cents for every dollar a man makes...

... then the man is only left with 30 cents. That's messed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fihqn/the_wage_gap_is_sexist_because_a_woman_gets_70/
%
Bob always wears the same pants

He wears them to work, he wears them at home, and he wears them outside.
I, being someone who likes to mix things up, try to discourage him from this.
The same beige pants every day. Really starts to put a strain on your eyes.
So I asked him why he wears them, and he responds that it's because they're durable, cool and make him feel indestructible, and he attributes his success to his pants.
One day I decide to deter him from wearing these same pants: every day for the next week I almost spill coffee on him, but I either miss or I stop just before.
He of course exclaims:
"With these babies on, nothing could ever happen!"
So the next week I don't stop myself. I just watch as the black coffee falls onto his beige pants, the stark contrast looking extremely uncomfortable, hell, looking at it someone could assume something else.
So he asks to leave that day, and the next day, comes back with some different pants.
Hope this teaches him to be a little less khaki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fif4w/bob_always_wears_the_same_pants/
%
George was having breakfast when Mildred walked in, dropped her robe, and sat naked at the table.

She leaned forward on her elbows towards George, her chin resting playfully on the back of her right hand as her left hand played with his tie.
"You know," purred Mildred, "I still have urges. I still want you, physically. In fact, even after 60 years of marriage, my tits are getting all hot just thinking about your hands exploring them."
"I'm not surprised," replied George, "one of them is in my porridge and the other one is in my coffee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fibw0/george_was_having_breakfast_when_mildred_walked/
%
What do you call a nut that likes to look in the neighbor's windows?

A pecan Tom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fib2m/what_do_you_call_a_nut_that_likes_to_look_in_the/
%
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fiaz2/my_best_friend_got_mad_at_me_because_he_caught_me/
%
My girlfriends joke

Her: i had a crossword puzzle today that i couldnt get
Me: what was it?
Her: "an overworked postman"
Me: but how many letters?
Her: too many
Me: fuck.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fia0w/my_girlfriends_joke/
%
Got fired from the bread factory last week

Now I am out of dough and I just spend my time loafing around. Tough times, no matter how you slice it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fi9xl/got_fired_from_the_bread_factory_last_week/
%
Donald Trump and Putin walk into a bar.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin walk into a bar
They approach the bar and take a seat. The bartender, raising his eyebrow questions, " Good afternoon Mister president, what brings you in this fine afternoon?"
"I just made the yuuuugest arms deal in history today with Saudi Arabia and this great, and I mean this great guy here wanted to treat me to a drink as congratulations!" He replied
The bartender, slightly perturbed shakes his head and responds, "Great job sir, what will you have to drink?"
"A White Russian," he turns his head to Putin, and smiles lovingly, "it will be the second one I've had in me today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fi9ke/donald_trump_and_putin_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a southern lumberjack

a tree feller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fi90k/what_do_you_call_a_southern_lumberjack/
%
A wife is surprised to see her husband home early.

She says to him "Wow honey, you're home early."
He replies "Yeah. My boss told me to go to hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fi8sd/a_wife_is_surprised_to_see_her_husband_home_early/
%
I Really Hate Porn

Every time I watch it, I just sit there shaking my fist at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fi86m/i_really_hate_porn/
%
Difference between drugs and love?

One leaves you dead. One leaves you wanting to die.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fi2pg/difference_between_drugs_and_love/
%
Why don't jews eat pussy?

Because it's too close to the gas chamber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fhylw/why_dont_jews_eat_pussy/
%
I make bad chemistry puns

Periodically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fhy9f/i_make_bad_chemistry_puns/
%
A married couple is asleep when the phone rings at 3AM.

The wife answers it, and after a few seconds she replies, "How should I know? We're 300 miles inland."
The husband asks, "Who was that, dear?"
"I don't know. Some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fhwnn/a_married_couple_is_asleep_when_the_phone_rings/
%
What did the vegetables say to get the party started?

Lettuce turnip the beet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fhprc/what_did_the_vegetables_say_to_get_the_party/
%
Why can't we see black light rays?

Cause they're all in prism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fhn5q/why_cant_we_see_black_light_rays/
%
How do you know when a Thai woman likes you?

She gets an erection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fhjqf/how_do_you_know_when_a_thai_woman_likes_you/
%
What does the hooker say after you pay her?

Thank you, it's a business doing pleasure with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fhi1k/what_does_the_hooker_say_after_you_pay_her/
%
Nature is so resourceful

It can make dew with just water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fhh8l/nature_is_so_resourceful/
%
I asked my grandma if she ever tried 69...

i asked my grandma if she ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fheh0/i_asked_my_grandma_if_she_ever_tried_69/
%
I had a Muslim friend in college who was always running late.

We called him 9/12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fhcuu/i_had_a_muslim_friend_in_college_who_was_always/
%
Army Post

A friend of mine recently back from his time in the army told me about one night, at his military base when he woke up about 2am, went outside - and he saw doughnuts, eclairs, cakes of all sizes scattered over the yard - but not another person in sight. Then he realised...
They had desserted their post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fhb3e/army_post/
%
"Dad, how far away is America?"

"Shut up son and keep swimming"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fhb21/dad_how_far_away_is_america/
%
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

Yeah, he pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fh8kl/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_who_died/
%
My girlfriend said I treat her like a child.

Guess who isn't getting her milk bottle tonight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fh7s9/my_girlfriend_said_i_treat_her_like_a_child/
%
Suicide Bombers

What makes them tick?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fh76s/suicide_bombers/
%
Some people are like slinkies

They don't really have a purpose but it still brings a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fh75i/some_people_are_like_slinkies/
%
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

T e n      t i c k l e s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fh718/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
A bus full of Elvis enthusiasts has crashed on their way to an Elvis convention.

Witnesses say no one was injured but they're all shook up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fh48o/a_bus_full_of_elvis_enthusiasts_has_crashed_on/
%
You can't run through a campground

You can only ran because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fh0cf/you_cant_run_through_a_campground/
%
What is it called when you discriminate against Asians?

Riceist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fgyqk/what_is_it_called_when_you_discriminate_against/
%
I've heard that people in Dubai don't really like The Flintstones

But people in Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fguui/ive_heard_that_people_in_dubai_dont_really_like/
%
I once dated a dental hygienist

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fgr5l/i_once_dated_a_dental_hygienist/
%
So I was in the emergency room

and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.
Apparently this dude had come in complaining of rectal pain.  They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon.  It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fgkkx/so_i_was_in_the_emergency_room/
%
I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fgho4/im_hosting_a_charity_concert_for_people_who/
%
War doesn't determine who is right

Only who is left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fg81j/war_doesnt_determine_who_is_right/
%
Just got back from visiting a lovely little place in Wales; Lloysthwycyyrigridarbrewwthh.....

Sorry, there was a hair in my mouth - I went to Swansea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fg7eo/just_got_back_from_visiting_a_lovely_little_place/
%
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection apart from one.

He's never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fg77h/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
%
Why don't rednecks do reverse cowgirl?

Cause they don't like turning their backs on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fg65j/why_dont_rednecks_do_reverse_cowgirl/
%
Why do the Irish only eat 239 beans at a time?

Because one more would be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fg62f/why_do_the_irish_only_eat_239_beans_at_a_time/
%
Men's brains work brilliant until they start thinking about a woman

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!''
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly.
The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".
MORAL OF THE STORY: Men's brains work brilliant until they start thinking about a woman!! 😢

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fg486/mens_brains_work_brilliant_until_they_start/
%
An atheist walks into a bar that's full, and someone gets up and offers him a space. Why doesn't he take it?

Because then he'd be a theist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fg23m/an_atheist_walks_into_a_bar_thats_full_and/
%
How do you know if you're a pirate?

YOU JUST ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fg1xt/how_do_you_know_if_youre_a_pirate/
%
What do you call bugs that handle your money?

Fine ants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fg0p9/what_do_you_call_bugs_that_handle_your_money/
%
Today I saw this absolutely stunning color that I've never seen before! It was indescribable, but when I blinked, it disappeared.

I guess it was just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffy4g/today_i_saw_this_absolutely_stunning_color_that/
%
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffy2u/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her.

It may come across as judgmental, but really, I’ve only ever known and loved her as Christine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffxun/my_girlfriend_admitted_to_me_she_was_once_a/
%
What did the fish say when it hit a wall?

"Damn"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffwub/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_hit_a_wall/
%
I gave a woman a sore vagina.

That's the last time she asks me to beatbox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffvx7/i_gave_a_woman_a_sore_vagina/
%
Why do some people fail to understand sex?

It's an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffufo/why_do_some_people_fail_to_understand_sex/
%
What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffsvz/what_do_you_call_someone_who_points_out_the/
%
If I get sick, I'll ask all my friends to pray for me in their free time.

I don't think it will help, but if I don't get to do anything fun, neither should they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffofg/if_i_get_sick_ill_ask_all_my_friends_to_pray_for/
%
Three blondes are taking a walk through the woods

Suddenly, the blondes come across a set of tracks. They were intrigued.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think these might be bird tracks."
The second blonde went to look and said,
"No way, these have to be deer tracks."
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks.
"Wait a minute.... These are—"
And then they were all hit by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffmmu/three_blondes_are_taking_a_walk_through_the_woods/
%
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffmby/what_is_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
%
Two soldiers are in a tank

One looks at the other and says, “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffkm9/two_soldiers_are_in_a_tank/
%
Two gold fish are in a tank

One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffkdv/two_gold_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
How many Chinese kids does it take to make a leather jacket?

Usually about 7, but maybe fewer if you fatten them up first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffipa/how_many_chinese_kids_does_it_take_to_make_a/
%
Bones always make me laugh.

They're just so humerus!
^^I'll ^^^see ^^^^myself ^^^^^out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffhby/bones_always_make_me_laugh/
%
I saw a fencing gif for the second time the other day

It was a riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ffa91/i_saw_a_fencing_gif_for_the_second_time_the_other/
%
What do you call a deaf woman during a solar eclipse.

Whatever you want to.  It's not like she's going to know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ff9hn/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_woman_during_a_solar/
%
Three men sit around a table

They talk about their wives' affairs.
"My wife must have been fucking the plumber. I saw pipes and wrenches under the bed.", one says.
"My wife must have been fucking the mailman. I saw letters and stamps under the bed.", the other says.
"That's nothing. My wife must have been fucking the horse. I saw the jockey under the bed!", the last exclaims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ff6z5/three_men_sit_around_a_table/
%
How does an Irishman count to four?

He can't......There's a tree in the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ff5cx/how_does_an_irishman_count_to_four/
%
A guy, arriving at the hotel in his dream vacation, sends his wife an SMS but he accidentally mistyped her number...

...the text went to a widow, which had just attended to her husband funeral.
When she read the message she instantly passed out. Here's the message:
"Hey, babe, this place is so peaceful. You're coming next week, I just made your reservation. I miss you so much. Bring light clothes cause the temperature here is hellish. Xoxo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ff0ho/a_guy_arriving_at_the_hotel_in_his_dream_vacation/
%
What is ISIS' favorite band?

Goatwhore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fey2k/what_is_isis_favorite_band/
%
I don't support Trump, but I would never denigrate his supporters

If you're a Trump supporter, "denigrate" means "to put down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fewm6/i_dont_support_trump_but_i_would_never_denigrate/
%
Its 8:30am right now

I could have sworn it was 8:29am like a minute ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fevo7/its_830am_right_now/
%
Why do hipsters always have burnt tongues?

They ate their pizza before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6feu3g/why_do_hipsters_always_have_burnt_tongues/
%
Why is Wonder Woman's make up always on point?

She's from "Themascara."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fepq0/why_is_wonder_womans_make_up_always_on_point/
%
I'm trying to think of a sewing pun but I'm really struggling.

I needle the help I can get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6femea/im_trying_to_think_of_a_sewing_pun_but_im_really/
%
Why are gamers bad in bed?

They are always trying to beat their best time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fek99/why_are_gamers_bad_in_bed/
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A woman goes to the doctor

complaining of abdominal pains.  After a series of tests, the doctor walks back in and says to the lady, "Well, hope you don't mind changing diapers!"
Stunned, she replies, "Oh my God I'm pregnant? I can't be pregnant!"
The doctor looks at her and says, "No, you have bowel cancer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6feidp/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
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What did the oil refinery plant say to the offshore drilling platform?

Send crudes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fehba/what_did_the_oil_refinery_plant_say_to_the/
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What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fee2r/whats_four_inches_long_two_inches_wide_and_drives/
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There once was a girl named Jill

Who fucked a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fed4e/there_once_was_a_girl_named_jill/
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How did the mathematician kill himself?

Hung himself with a hypotenoose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fe8qe/how_did_the_mathematician_kill_himself/
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What's the difference between a flashlight and a fleshlight?

One takes C batteries and the other takes D's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fe8la/whats_the_difference_between_a_flashlight_and_a/
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One of the first "dirty" jokes I heard when I was 10

So Jane sees Tarzan sneaking off one night and goes investigating. She follows his trail and finds him furiously humping a tree-trunk that has a curiously well-used looking hole in it. Initially disgusted, she's mollified thinking, "At least he wasn't doing it with other animals like everybody else claimed, this was his best way to relieve stress for all those years." At that, she decides Tarzan need not go through that ordeal ever again.
The next night, she sits next to the door, all dolled up and inviting, legs spread wide open, waiting for Tarzan. When he finally makes his appearance, he sees her and makes an enquiring hoot to which she replies, "I know where you're headed off to, you don't need to suffer through that indignity anymore now that I'm here", while gesturing to herself.
Tarzan looks her up and down considering, then nods his head, comes running at a full sprint and kicks her right in the puss.
Jane, now rolling around in agony, anticipation all forgotten, asks him with tears in her eyes, "…why?"
Tarzan shrugs, "Checking for squirrels."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fe891/one_of_the_first_dirty_jokes_i_heard_when_i_was_10/
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What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don't look at me I'm changing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fe7ey/what_did_the_traffic_light_say_to_the_car/
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My mom used to tuck me in at night...

I think she really wanted a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fe54s/my_mom_used_to_tuck_me_in_at_night/
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The condom was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine

The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fdyn8/the_condom_was_first_invented_by_a_welshman_by/
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Shaky Hands

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fdy01/shaky_hands/
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A Farm Boy gets bullied for having a big head...

The son says, "Mom, all the kids at school say I have a big head. Its really upsetting."
The mother says, "Don't worry honey, your head isn't big at all. Now, go gather some potatoes."
"Mom, I don't have a bag for potatoes."
"Its okay son, just use your hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fdvz8/a_farm_boy_gets_bullied_for_having_a_big_head/
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Two oilfield workers from North Dakota were on a trip to South Texas...

They went to sign on with a new drilling contractor when they were pulled over by a State Trooper.
&nbsp;
The trooper walked up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick.
&nbsp;
The roughneck rolled down the window and *WHACK* - the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
&nbsp;
"*What the heck was that for?*" the roughneck asked.
&nbsp;
"*You're in Texas,* " the trooper answered. "*When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.*"
&nbsp;
The trooper ran a check on the license and the roughneck was clean, so he gave him his license back.
&nbsp;
The trooper then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window and the other roughneck rolled down the window and *WHACK* - the trooper smacked him on the head with the nightstick.
&nbsp;
"*What'd you do that for?*" the roughneck demanded.
&nbsp;
"*Making your wish come true,*" replied the trooper.
&nbsp;
"*Making WHAT wish come true?*" the roughneck asked.
&nbsp;
"*I know you roughneck types,*" The trooper said.  "*A hundred feet down the road, you would've turned to your buddy and said, 'I wish that SOB would've tried that on me!'*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fdtma/two_oilfield_workers_from_north_dakota_were_on_a/
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What is the next country after USA?

USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fdl2i/what_is_the_next_country_after_usa/
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A performer is traveling to his next show at night...

When he is stopped by a police officer for a surprise car search. The officer finds that the man has an assortment of blades and sharp weapons. He questions the man about them.
Officer: can you explain the weapons in your car?
Man: weapons? I think you mean my props. I'm a juggler you see.
Officer: oh well is that so? Prove it.
The man proceeds to juggle two blades, then three, then four. Just then, a car drives past. The man in the car turns to his wife and says:
Thank God I gave up drinking! Just look at how they're testing people now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fdjqk/a_performer_is_traveling_to_his_next_show_at_night/
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I was told a vasectomy would prevent my wife and I from having a baby...

Turns out it just turns the baby black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fdjdy/i_was_told_a_vasectomy_would_prevent_my_wife_and/
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Billy's Night Out

Billy's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fdins/billys_night_out/
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If your a optimist the cup is half full, if you are a pessimist the cup is half empty.

If your a feminist, the cup is being raped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fdfva/if_your_a_optimist_the_cup_is_half_full_if_you/
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What's the longest sentence in the English language?

"I do" . . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fdfds/whats_the_longest_sentence_in_the_english_language/
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My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims…

"Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!"
The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me.
So I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fdbzt/my_kid_and_i_were_in_a_very_crowded_public/
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What do you call a short Mexican?

A paragraph. Because it's only half an esse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fdars/what_do_you_call_a_short_mexican/
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A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes, were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two Prostitutes – $50.00."

A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves."
"How come you don’t stop them?" asked one of the girls.
"Well, that’s a little different," the officer replied… "their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully.
The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter – $50.00."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fd63d/a_couple_young_entrepreneurial_prostitutes_were/
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A bartender assistant, a bar owner, an alcoholic, and a prohibition supporter were in a bar.

The bar was one of the best in town and it had a policy of changing its bartenders after a while to prevent them from becoming alcoholics or stealing and because the job in a high class bar is stressful. To make it more popular, the bar let its customers choose the next bartender.
The bartender assistant and the alcoholic were sitting at a table, while the bar owner and the prohibition supporter at another. The other customers were carefully watching and waiting to decide which of these people was more fit to be the next bartender.
The bar owner was wealthy and owned a share of the bar, but nobody seemed to be concerned with the conflict of interest between owning part of the bar and being the bartender. He spoke first: "This bar has gone down the tubes. The problem is all the unwashed people who come from across the street to drink here. They break everything, they harass the regular customers, and they increase demand which drives the prices up."
The prohibition supporter spoke second: "The problem aren't people from across the street. Heck, my father lives across the street. The problem is the bar is serving alcohol. And the biggest issue are the gay customers. Nobody wants this to turn into gay bar! At least people should choose if they let gays at their table."
The bar owner replied: "I think you lie in everything you say. You can't be a bartender and in favor of prohibition. Your father who educated you is probably guilty of killing one of the last bartenders we had, the one who died in mysterious circumstances."
At the other table, the alcoholic spoke first: "The price of drinks is too high. It is immoral when somebody can't pay for the drink they ordered and they have to mop the floor as payment. This bar has become increasingly open only for the owners. We need to fundamentally change our view and realize the real owners are the customers. Also, every other high class bar in town offers free rides to the hospital to intoxicated customers. I have stood up to bar owners numerous times in the past and I'm telling you, free drinks and bartending classes should be available for everyone!" The alcoholic had drank his life away, but a lot of customers respected him for being a regular. Unfortunately, those who wanted him as bartender were not old enough to drink legally.
The bartender assistant, who worked at the bar, sought to replace the retiring bartender and replied to the alcoholic: "Your theory about how only bar owners drink here doesn't make sense. The price of a drink is a contract between the customers and the bar owners and it is negotiated with only moderate bartender interference. If the bar owners step over the line, then I, as future bartender, promise to go and tell them to cut it out!"
The alcoholic replied: "What are you talking about? You will be paid by the bar owners. How can the customers believe you will look after them?"
The customers in the bar decided the prohibition supporter and the alcoholic were not fit to become bartenders, but they still had to choose between the bar owner and the bartender assistant. Meanwhile, one of the customers was asking the others who did they think was best for the job, and they predicted the bartender assistant would be the new bartender.
The bartender assistant then spoke: "I want to be the first woman bartender. And despite women being just as good at bartending, mugs are heavy, and a female customer might drop it. Under current policy, she doesn't have to pay for the spilled drink but under my policy, she wouldn't pay for the mug either. I have lots of experience in bartending and I can make everyone happy. The bar owner has none, has never worked before and this would be his first job, and considering he doesn't want customers from across the street, I don't even know how he's so wealthy or how this bar would sustain itself. Every customer should be valued. In fact, my bartender assistant will be from across the street."
The bar owner replied: "You are corrupt. The bartender with whom you work now doesn't even have the necessary credentials and you admitted it the last time you tried to become bartender instead of him. I also heard you took tips from some customers to give them their drinks faster while others were in line. You were also paid by other bars to help them sell their drinks here and steal our customers. And the last time a customer was killed in a bar fight by some guy on the street, you forgot to lock the doors and call 911. You are so corrupt, you might turn the basement of this bar into a child brothel. My assistant will be a prohibition supporter to help me combat alcoholism."
In a stunning upset that reverberated across the town, the bar owner was decided by the customers to become the bartender. Technically, more customers wanted the bartender assistant as bartender, but the rules of the bar said each table decides for itself and then the tables decide together, and since most people at most tables wanted the bar owner, he became the bartender.
The entire thing was hilarious. The people who wanted to bartend were godawful, their ideas were ridiculous, and nobody expected the actual bar owner to become the bartender, despite him having the most control over the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fd0vg/a_bartender_assistant_a_bar_owner_an_alcoholic/
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The world map nowadays looks like a human being

Asia is like the brain, all the smart things comes from there.
Middle East is like the stomach, all the churning and rumbling like all the wars happening right now
Europe is like the backbone, try to maintain world peace and keeping the world in shape.
And then there's America, where the asshole trying to expel shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fd076/the_world_map_nowadays_looks_like_a_human_being/
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I met a lovely woman today

and she owned a taser......DAMN she was stunning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fcxgy/i_met_a_lovely_woman_today/
%
I tried a deadlift for the first time last week...

The mortician sternly asked me to leave the morgue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fcugd/i_tried_a_deadlift_for_the_first_time_last_week/
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Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fct2g/deaf_sex/
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Sometimes I just want to pick up a dwarf and start twirling them around.

Then I'd have my very own midget spinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fcs4y/sometimes_i_just_want_to_pick_up_a_dwarf_and/
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A brunette goes to the doctor

and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "You're really blonde, aren't you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fcp54/a_brunette_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Wanna see how dead you are?

Put a % sign after your age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fco89/wanna_see_how_dead_you_are/
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What does a stoner cut down trees with?

Ah sah dude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fcm6n/what_does_a_stoner_cut_down_trees_with/
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As the blood from your brain rushes down into your erection

Everything in the middle gets stuck between a rock and a hard place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fclnf/as_the_blood_from_your_brain_rushes_down_into/
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Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring

The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fclch/yesterday_i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food/
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I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fcjx7/i_wont_control_what_you_do_on_the_internet/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees an old man sitting by himself

He sits next to the man, who obviously already had a few and starts a conversation. The old man tells him:
"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scoarching weather, but do they call me "McGregor the bridge builder"? No! And you see that pier over there, I built that, best pier in the county! But do they call me "McGregor the pier builder"? No!"
The old man then leans in closer:
"but you fuck one sheep..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fcint/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_an_old_man/
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How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One...or two? Three...or four?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fcg7x/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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My brother recently got a pocket protector

All of his friends laughed at it, but I was amazed. It's such a bargain, because not only does it protect the content of your pockets, but it also protects your virginity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fcfel/my_brother_recently_got_a_pocket_protector/
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A husband says to his wife, "You know, our son got his brain from me."

The wife replies, "I think he did. I still got mine with me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fc9lo/a_husband_says_to_his_wife_you_know_our_son_got/
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Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your mother.
P.S.- M sorry if this is a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fc8em/q_which_sexual_position_produces_the_ugliest/
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Reports are in that a toilet has been stolen from the local police station

Police say they have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fc1hc/reports_are_in_that_a_toilet_has_been_stolen_from/
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The FBI had an opening for an assasin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle the bitch to death'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbz6p/the_fbi_had_an_opening_for_an_assasin/
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Yo mamá so fat...

...when she ordered a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbyhk/yo_mamá_so_fat/
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"Jesus loves you..."

A great thing to hear in church. A horrible thing to hear in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbwl1/jesus_loves_you/
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What do you call a flying nun?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbvh8/what_do_you_call_a_flying_nun/
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A blonde walks into a bank..

A blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to her Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank and she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and employees have a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee drives the car into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later the blonde returns and repays the money along with interest which comes to $15.34. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well; but we are a little puzzled. We checked and you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies - "Where else in New York City can you park your car for two weeks and pay only $15.34 and expect it to be there when you return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbvd2/a_blonde_walks_into_a_bank/
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A man told me his strength gains came from eating soy products.

After he said this I wasn't sure whether I thought more of him, or lecithin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbu2i/a_man_told_me_his_strength_gains_came_from_eating/
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What does a stripper and a guitar have in common?

The G-String is always going off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbtma/what_does_a_stripper_and_a_guitar_have_in_common/
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Lost Cessna

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.  They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.  The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.  They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...  Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbtkr/lost_cessna/
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Why didn't the juggler perform?

He didn't have the balls to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbr6w/why_didnt_the_juggler_perform/
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Never hold in a fart

that's something an asshole would do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbq7u/never_hold_in_a_fart/
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An Englishman comes to Harvard.

Unable to  find out the way to the library, he approaches an undergrad. The subsequent conversation is as follows-
Englishman: Excuse me. Could you kindly enlighten me where the library is at?
Undergrad: It’s Harvard. People don’t end sentences with a preposition here.
Englishman: Oh, I see. Could you kindly enlighten me where the library is at, asshole?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbnw3/an_englishman_comes_to_harvard/
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A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m...

..and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the mathematician replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbmdb/a_mathematician_wanders_back_home_at_3_am/
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So Bill Gates hires a prostitute...

After the Hugh Grant incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called up Hugh Grant.
Bill asked him "was it really worth $50 to almost ruin your career?" Hugh replied "Bill, actually it was worth a million".
So Bill called up Hughes' favorite prostitute, but since she became so famous, her prices had gone up quite a bit. So Bill paid $10,000 for a night with Divine.
In the morning he said, "That was fantastic! Now I know why professionally you call yourself 'Divine'".
She answered "Thank-you, and now I know why you call your company Microsoft."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbi52/so_bill_gates_hires_a_prostitute/
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A frog and his froggy son go to a restaurant...

The young frog has been having trouble eating food, and not much seemed to help. The two are eating, and the little frog manages to swallow something without any issues! The father frog notices that the son didn't upchuck. Beaming with pride, the father frog grins over at his son.
"Ah, son! Your fly is down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbfqy/a_frog_and_his_froggy_son_go_to_a_restaurant/
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How many tickles does it take to mangle an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbe6s/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_mangle_an/
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Parrot and whore

A woman went in to a pet store a saw a parrot; the owner said the parrot is very smart and talks too. Intrigued, she asked the parrot - " what do you think of me?" parrot says "I think you are a whore" She gets pissed and yells at the owner. The owner takes the parrot inside and shoves his head inside water multiple times till the parrot apologizes and says he would behave.
He brings the parrot out and tells the woman "ask him anything now, he will behave this time". Upset with his initial response, woman tries to test him. "what if I bring a guy to my house?" parrot says "i won't judge you, it could be a friend" woman says "what if a bring 2 guys" parrot still dodges with a sensible response. Woman now asks "what if I bring 5 men and took them to my bed? " Parrot turns to the owner and says "i told you, didn't i? she is a whore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbdcz/parrot_and_whore/
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What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel, and a terrier?

A hot-diggity-dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbd13/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_chili_pepper_a/
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The musician

There was once a musician who lived in North Korea. One day he was called up by Kim Jong-Un and asked to compose a piece for the great North Korean orchestra play it live for him and the entire country. The man, not wanting to displease the leader, did what was asked of him.
The musician completed the piece, and then came the big night. However, the musicians sounded terrible. The piece sounded nothing like the composer wanted it to.
The great leader was disappointed, and had him sentenced to death. Upon arriving at his death sentence, he was asked what he would like his last meal to be.
"Piping hot curry!" he said.
He ate his curry, was tied to the chair, and the switch was flipped. However, the musician was unharmed.
The great leader was in awe. Having witnessed this himself, he decided to give the musician another chance at writing a piece of music.
The composer put all his work into writing this piece. But come the night of the concert, the piece sounded terrible yet again.
And yet again, he was sentenced to death. For his last meal, he had piping hot curry again. He ate his meal and the switch was thrown. However, the musician was unharmed.
The great leader, again in awe, decided to give him one last chance.
So the musician got to work, putting even more work into this piece than he did the last one. But come the night of the concert, it sounded nothing like the musician had written.
He was once again sentenced to death. When asked what he wanted for his last meal, he yet again asked for piping hot curry.
However, the great leader denied his request and flipped the switch himself. Sparks flew, smoke filled the room, but the musician sat in the chair unharmed.
"How is this possible?" the Great Leader asked. "How is it you've survived, yet you didn't eat any hot curry?"
"Oh, the curry had nothing to do with it." the musician said. "I'm just a terrible conducter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbcp0/the_musician/
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A man walks into a bar

Alcoholism is slowly destroying his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbcis/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A girl walks out of a bar...

She's approached by two guys. They tell her to climb a tree, and they'll give her $5. She does it, then goes home to tell her roommate. Her roommate says "They only did it to see your underwear." The next day, the girl goes to the same bar. Again, the two guys ask her to climb the tree for $5. AGAIN, she does it. She goes home to show her roommate the 5$. Unimpressed the roommate says "they tricked you again!?." The girl says "NO, I tricked them, I wasn't wearing any underwear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fbb92/a_girl_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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From my observations I've noticed that many jokes about 9/11...

...tend to be inside jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fb9gx/from_my_observations_ive_noticed_that_many_jokes/
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A seventh grader was sent home from school for fucking his teacher.

His mother demanded his father ground him, but the father, instead, said, "Good job, son! I didn't fuck my teacher until I was a Sophomore. Come on, let's go get you that bike you wanted."
And so they went and got him his bike. As they were going back home, the father said, "Why don't you ride your new bike back home?"
"No, thanks. My ass is still sore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fb7r5/a_seventh_grader_was_sent_home_from_school_for/
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What do you call an emo accapella group

Self harmony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fazda/what_do_you_call_an_emo_accapella_group/
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Why are wedding dresses white?

So the dishwasher matches the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6faykt/why_are_wedding_dresses_white/
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Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it.

Those who fail to clear their history are doomed to explain it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6faxus/those_who_fail_to_learn_history_are_doomed_to/
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I stole my GF's wheelchair

Man was she pissed but guess who'll Come back crawling?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6faw9m/i_stole_my_gfs_wheelchair/
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My little nephew is going to grow up to be such an asshole.

Check this out, it’s his birthday a couple of weeks ago, and, being that his mother (my wife’s sister) doesn’t have much money, we decide to get him a really nice gift. You know, something a 7 year old kid would be thrilled with. So we buy him a full-size trampoline. This thing is like 10 feet across, has the safety netting and everything!
The little shit won’t jump on it! All he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6farzq/my_little_nephew_is_going_to_grow_up_to_be_such/
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A man enters an elevator of a fine hotel and says "Ballroom please"...

To which the lady standing in front of him replies, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6faq24/a_man_enters_an_elevator_of_a_fine_hotel_and_says/
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What's orange at the top and black at the bottom?

Society

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6faozf/whats_orange_at_the_top_and_black_at_the_bottom/
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Actual Russian Joke

Four Russians were being pulled in a sleigh by a team of horses in the dead of winter when they noticed a pack of wolves had started chasing them and were slowly gaining.
They knew they needed to lighten the sled so they drew straws and the one with the shortest straw blessed Russia and leapt off the back. He was jumped upon by the wolves and torn to pieces as he was devoured.
Soon, however, the pack, still hungry, took up their chase of the sleigh. They again got closer and closer. Straws were drawn again and the loser blessed Mother Russia and leapt from the back of the sled. The wolves devoured him and still came on, getting closer and closer.
The tallest of the remaining two on the sled said "I guess we should draw straws again."
"No, that won't be necessary," said the shorter man, and he pulled out an AK-47 from inside his parka and blasted all the wolves to smithereens.
"Why did you not do that before?" asked the taller man.
The shorter man reached into his parka and pulled out a liter of Vodka and said, "What? And share a bottle among four?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6famy5/actual_russian_joke/
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I once dated the inventor of the stopwatch.

That was my 15.535 seconds of fame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fahg0/i_once_dated_the_inventor_of_the_stopwatch/
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Sometimes me and my friends get together to talk about chicks

It's a poultry slam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fageg/sometimes_me_and_my_friends_get_together_to_talk/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalottapus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fafum/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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My mom told me to go join ISIS...

She says I could learn how to claim responsibility for once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6faf82/my_mom_told_me_to_go_join_isis/
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How come girls travel in odd numbers?

Because they can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6faepu/how_come_girls_travel_in_odd_numbers/
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I've got lots of music puns.

But I'm not sure harmony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fadur/ive_got_lots_of_music_puns/
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How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fad65/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_luke_got_him_for/
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I know that I'm paranoid.

But I worry that I may not be paranoid enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fabqz/i_know_that_im_paranoid/
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Once upon a time there was a train operator who had a really bad temper

There was a train operator who had a really bad temper. Nobody liked him. He would always bark at people and be aggressive towards them.
One day an 18 year old girl tried to get on his train near its departure time, but being the man he was, he started moving the train, she fell under it and died. The man was immediately hauled off to court where he was sentenced to desth by electric chair. So they strapped him in and pressed the switch, but nothing happend.
Baffled, they let him go. The operator thought long and hard about his actions and decided to improve his life.
So when an old woman tried to get on his train near the departure time and seeing her, he waited for her to get on. Unfortunately she tripped, fell, and died. He was hauled off to court again and due to his past reputation, he was sentenced to death by electric chair again. This time when they pulled the switch he was shocked and he died.
Why did it work this time, but not the first time?
The first time he was a bad conductor, but the second time he was a good conductor.
thank you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fabhf/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_train_operator_who/
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I walked into a bookstore

Me: "Do you have any books on turtles?"
Worker: "Hardback?"
Me: "Yeah, with little heads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fa9q6/i_walked_into_a_bookstore/
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What's the difference between a refugee and E.T.?

E.T. could speak English and wanted to go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fa7fh/whats_the_difference_between_a_refugee_and_et/
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My penis is a gentleman.

It stands up so women have a place to sit down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fa76o/my_penis_is_a_gentleman/
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How many cows does it take to make a pleather bag?

About faux cows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fa6wi/how_many_cows_does_it_take_to_make_a_pleather_bag/
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I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...

the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an erection during this procedure."
"I don't have an erection', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fa5pb/i_went_to_get_a_prostate_exam_yesterday/
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What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fa1do/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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Hey Reddit. My nephew is terminal and we are raising $5000 for a hiking trip across the country!

It's too depressing staying with this sick kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6fa0ln/hey_reddit_my_nephew_is_terminal_and_we_are/
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Last Words

A plane gets dismantled mid-flight. All the parts and doors fall off and the passengers are being thrown out. One woman gets a hold of the door frame and her husband rushes to save her.
"It's no use! I can't hold on any longer" She yells.
"No! Please don't do this!" Yells back the husband.
"Please tell my family that..."
Before she could finish her sentence, she loses her grip and is flown away.
The man eventually survives and sets up a funeral for his wife. He invites all her close friends and family members. After many hours, the man steps up to the podium to deliver her last words. He opens his mouth and begins to speak. Tears start to roll down his eyes.
"...and lastly, she held onto her dear life to tell each and every one of you this. It is my duty to deliver this heartfelt message."
He takes a deep breath.
"AAAAAARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f9usl/last_words/
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Trump wants to visit UK in show of 'solidarity'

Haven't we suffered enough already?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f9txo/trump_wants_to_visit_uk_in_show_of_solidarity/
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What do Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f9q1w/what_do_titanic_and_the_sixth_sense_have_in_common/
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A doctor ordered a cadaver...

...for his med students to dissect. When it arrived, the doctor noticed it was missing an organ.
I guess you could say his package was de-livered. ^I'm^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f9pb6/a_doctor_ordered_a_cadaver/
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I JUST BOUGHT A BOAT!

I can't wait to see all the ads for better deals I'm going to get on Facebook!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f9kq3/i_just_bought_a_boat/
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Women are like coffee

Tastes weird to start, but you get used to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f9k6m/women_are_like_coffee/
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City council wanted to demolish the local clown museum.

They couldn't because it's a hysterical landmark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f9i1k/city_council_wanted_to_demolish_the_local_clown/
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What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg?

Irene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f9hud/what_do_you_call_a_japanese_woman_with_one_leg/
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What did the mirror say to the icicle?

If we had kids it would be a miracle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f9hh0/what_did_the_mirror_say_to_the_icicle/
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A man and his family walk into a bar...

Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory". The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true. The child asks "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?" The Native American states "eggs." The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.
Years later, when the child returns back with his own family he sees the same native at the bar. Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical "how!" The Native replies "scrambled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f9hfp/a_man_and_his_family_walk_into_a_bar/
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What's a Camel?

A horse designed by committee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f9guz/whats_a_camel/
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John: Doctor I heard you can get AIDS in the public toilets. Is this true?

Doctor: I mean... yeah, but it's uncomfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f9c76/john_doctor_i_heard_you_can_get_aids_in_the/
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my dog is training to be a blacksmith

every now and then he'll make a bolt for the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f98ag/my_dog_is_training_to_be_a_blacksmith/
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What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f97ug/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
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Walter.

I was in the park the other day and saw a guy practising his athletic trials, with a long metal stick for the Olympics. I asked if he was a pole vaulter, and he replied "Nein, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f97s4/walter/
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I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.

I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f97d3/i_bought_a_racehorse_today_i_called_him_my_face/
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"I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!"

“Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f976m/i_just_did_your_mom_and_it_was_sweeeeet/
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A total naked woman rushed in a taxi. The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly. The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"

The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f96wf/a_total_naked_woman_rushed_in_a_taxi_the_taxi/
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Making a new password like

Me: beefstew
Computer: Sorry, password not stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f96gv/making_a_new_password_like/
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"No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking."

“teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking." Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?" And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f96gh/no_there_are_two_left_but_i_like_how_youre/
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A guy walks into a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms. The cashier asks him if he wants a bag.

He responds, "No, she's not that ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f96du/a_guy_walks_into_a_pharmacy_and_buys_a_pack_of/
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"Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."

“An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f94sk/excuse_me_but_im_not_a_gynecologist/
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from my 9yo son: "You know why I think dinosaurs were good at math?"

"They could probably crunch numbers really well".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f93e1/from_my_9yo_son_you_know_why_i_think_dinosaurs/
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What is politics?

“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f939r/what_is_politics/
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A friend of mine who doesn't use Reddit asked what it means.

I shrugged and said "I don't know, but you've probably read it somewhere before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f90tf/a_friend_of_mine_who_doesnt_use_reddit_asked_what/
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Robot For Sex

A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming..
She told her lover to stay like robot and not to move.
Husband: What is this?
Wife: This is a robot I bought to have sex with when you are traveling...
Husband: Okay.. Lets have sex now...
Wife: No sweetheart.. Yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you..
After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I will f*ck this robot...
He tried f*cking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way..
"System error
Wrong hole
System error
Wrong hole.."
Husband: Damn robot is not working properly.. I am throwing it out of the window..
The lover realized that he was on the 20th floor he said:
"SOFTWARE UPDATED"
"PLEASE TRY AGAIN"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f90eq/robot_for_sex/
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What happends if Will Smith goes back in time ?

He becomes Was Smith

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8zi2/what_happends_if_will_smith_goes_back_in_time/
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Pathan's Interview

A Pathan being interviewed at U.S. Embasy:
CONSULATE: Your name please?
Pathan: Gul khan.
CONSL: Sex?
Pathan: Ten to twelve times a week.
CONSL: I mean male or female?
Pathan: Both male/female & sometimes Camels too.
CONSUL: You seem Ugly !
Pathan: yes Ugly & Pichhli both sides.
CONSL: Freaky Ass!
Pathan: yes sometimes free ki ass somtimes have to pay.
CONSL: Man are you hostile.
Pathan: Horse style, dog style any style !
Consl: Oh dear.
Pathan: Deer? No deer they run very fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8zh3/pathans_interview/
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A man commented to his lunch companion

: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8x3f/a_man_commented_to_his_lunch_companion/
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What's a British man without his tea

A briish man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8v09/whats_a_british_man_without_his_tea/
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I made a good video about steak in a sea of bad videos about steak...

I guess you could say it's a rare example of a medium well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8rz9/i_made_a_good_video_about_steak_in_a_sea_of_bad/
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You know, I really hate mules.

They half ass everything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8ri6/you_know_i_really_hate_mules/
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Why are there a lot of grammar nazis on the Internet?

Because English majors can't find jobs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8qdf/why_are_there_a_lot_of_grammar_nazis_on_the/
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A woman was just getting out of the shower...

...When the door-bell rang.
"It's the blind man" he called.
"That's okay," she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.
"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8pfp/a_woman_was_just_getting_out_of_the_shower/
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I thought only girls play hard to get...

But then I started applying to colleges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8pe3/i_thought_only_girls_play_hard_to_get/
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I type 75 words per minute...

Or 450 words per minute when I'm trying to hit the "t" in YouTube before YouPorn pops up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8l58/i_type_75_words_per_minute/
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Where's the best place to hide a dead body?

The second page of google search results.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8ifl/wheres_the_best_place_to_hide_a_dead_body/
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The Dave Joke

This guy walks into a bar to get some drinks.  The bar tender named Dave walks up to him and says, "You look happy today, what happened?"  The guy says, "Well Dave, I was waxing my boat, just waxing and waxing, and this brunette with tits out to here!" the guy gestures a B cup, "walks up to me and says, 'Is that your boat?' I said, 'Uhu." She said, 'Wanna take me for a ride?'  I said, 'Uhu." So I took her out, Dave, I took her WAY out, and I said, 'You have sex with me, or you swim."
The next day, the guy is looking all happy again and is bouncing around the bar so Dave walks up to him and says, "You look happy today, what happened today?"  The guy says, "Well Dave, I was waxing my boat, just waxing and waxing, and this red head with tits out to here!" the guy gestures a C cup, "walks up to me and says, 'Is that your boat?' I said, 'Uhu.' She said, 'Wanna take me for a ride?'  I said, 'Uhu.' So I took her out, Dave, I took her WAY out, and I said, 'You have sex with me, or you swim."
On the third day, the guy is depressed, ordering extra shots and just miserable, so Dave walks up to him and says, "Well, you had two good days, and now it looks like you are having a bad day.  What happened today?"  The guy says, "Well Dave, I was waxing my boat, just waxing and waxing, and this blond with tits out to here!" the guy gestures an D cup. "walks up to me and says, 'That your boat?' I said, 'Uhu.' She said, 'Wanna take me for a ride?'  I said, 'Uhu.' So I took her out, Dave, I took her WAY out, and I said, 'You have sex with me, or you swim.'
At this point the guy looks Dave straight in the eyes and said, "And Dave, when she pulled down her pants, she had a dick.  And Dave, I can't swim Dave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8i1k/the_dave_joke/
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A warlord and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners.

.
Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic warlord decides to play a game..
He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..
He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after examining the penis of the men standing in the line..
If she points to a wrong man,then she and her husband will be executed.
The first woman nervously stepped out and she kept touching the penises until she found her husbands and declared it.... The warlord was disappointed that she succeeded.
Then the second woman came forward. She was so nervous that she kept touching each penis for a long time and kept thinking for a while before rejecting them. She too recognized her husband's penis.
Now the warlord got really angry. So he asks some of his soldiers to stand in the line posing as villagers to confuse them.
The third woman started. She hardly took more than few seconds for each penis while thinking out loud "Not him" "Not him either"..
This continued until she touched a soldier's penis. She stopped for a while and thought really hard
"Not from our village" she muttered and moved on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8grg/a_warlord_and_his_soldiers_attacked_a_tiny/
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You should know much bacteria is on raw meat.

Lives are at steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8ayd/you_should_know_much_bacteria_is_on_raw_meat/
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I'll always remember my grandfathers last words before he kicked the bucket

"Hey, I wonder how far I can kick this bucket!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f8at6/ill_always_remember_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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Why are there so many Mexican jokes but no black jokes?

Once you know Juan, you know Jamal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f83oa/why_are_there_so_many_mexican_jokes_but_no_black/
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You've heard of gaydar! Now get ready for

Bi-noculars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f835f/youve_heard_of_gaydar_now_get_ready_for/
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What Do You Call A Fake Pepperoni?

Pepperphony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f82w5/what_do_you_call_a_fake_pepperoni/
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The wardens at my University were always so nice.

They always leave little notes on my car complimenting me, like, "parking fine".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f82ih/the_wardens_at_my_university_were_always_so_nice/
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Rape...

Short word.
Long sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f824k/rape/
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Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated

Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
Philosophers in 1200:  Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.
Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f816v/philosophers_in_500bc_life_is_really_simple_but/
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What do you call the funding for a porn?

A thrust fund.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f7xjz/what_do_you_call_the_funding_for_a_porn/
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What do you call a ghost who scares chickens?

A poultry-geist....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f7vm6/what_do_you_call_a_ghost_who_scares_chickens/
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I was asked to spell part backwards

Its a trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f7vbk/i_was_asked_to_spell_part_backwards/
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Making love to a woman is like playing the violin...

If you break the G-string, you're probably fingering too hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f7v7h/making_love_to_a_woman_is_like_playing_the_violin/
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I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f7uie/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_the_calendar/
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An aircraft flying with a blonde co-pilot

An aircraft is flying with a blonde co-pilot.
The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
"I'm 5'4 and in the front seat of the plane."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
"Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven........"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f7pb9/an_aircraft_flying_with_a_blonde_copilot/
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Blonde Joke

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f7nob/blonde_joke/
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A limbo player walks into a bar

He lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f7l1z/a_limbo_player_walks_into_a_bar/
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I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill

but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f7hka/i_remember_once_when_my_dad_gave_me_money_to_pay/
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f7f1f/politicians_and_diapers_have_one_thing_in_common/
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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f7e33/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_going_down/
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Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee gets larger the closer it gets.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f7b9i/standing_in_the_park_i_was_wondering_why_a/
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They say pineapples make your semen taste better

I find that it just ruins the pineapple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f7anm/they_say_pineapples_make_your_semen_taste_better/
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What do you call an ice skating dwarf?

A midget spinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f794l/what_do_you_call_an_ice_skating_dwarf/
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Everyone should pay their income tax with a smile

I tried - but they wanted cash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f768p/deleted_by_user/
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A car carrying 3 men broke down in the middle of a desert...

"Let's each take a part and try to make it back to civilization."  One of them suggested.  They all agreed it was a good idea.
"I'll take the hood," said the first, "This way if I find myself atop a hill, I can slide down quickly, like a sled."
"I'll take the wheels," said the second, "In case I want to bring something with me I can roll it along instead of carrying it."
"I'll take the door."  Said the last, "If I get hot I can simply roll down the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f75co/a_car_carrying_3_men_broke_down_in_the_middle_of/
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Fucked a girl that had "IQ: 163" tattooed on her buttcheeks.

What a smart-ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f74bm/fucked_a_girl_that_had_iq_163_tattooed_on_her/
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It's the World Cup Final....

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f73t2/its_the_world_cup_final/
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f72vi/a_group_of_chess_enthusiasts_checked_into_a_hotel/
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Yesterday I watched "Get Out" with my racist grandpa

He thought it was a documentatary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f723m/yesterday_i_watched_get_out_with_my_racist_grandpa/
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What do you call a Jamaican guy exhaling deeply?

Simon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f71lo/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_guy_exhaling_deeply/
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Satan appeared before a small town congregation…

Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f714d/satan_appeared_before_a_small_town_congregation/
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Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather?

She was a meaty urologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f711s/did_you_hear_about_the_fat_kidney_doctor_who/
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There was always one thing I wanted as a child.

Richer parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f70zq/there_was_always_one_thing_i_wanted_as_a_child/
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I just got back from Thailand....

While I was there I went for a testicle check up.  The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said don't worry sir it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure. I said I don't have an erection, no she said but I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f6y4j/i_just_got_back_from_thailand/
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Parallel lines have so much In common.

It's a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f6xo4/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
Why did the Hamburger and the Steak fight?

They had some beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f6wyl/why_did_the_hamburger_and_the_steak_fight/
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My girlfriend and I share a bookmark.

It's good that we're both on the same page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f6w1r/my_girlfriend_and_i_share_a_bookmark/
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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket...

...and thinks, "some asshole has my pen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f6vzh/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
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How do you know if you've been visited by aliens from Uranus?

Crap circles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f6up7/how_do_you_know_if_youve_been_visited_by_aliens/
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I'll take my chances

A Sunday church service was coming to an end. This gorgeous blonde girl started to make her way out to get ahead of the crowd.
As she was walking down the stairs, her dress got caught on the corner of a railing and was instantly pulled off. She was stark naked in the middle of the church.
The pastor looked down immediately, talking into the mic. He said "Nobody look. If anyone looks, so help me God, the Lord will blind you."
The guy next to me put his hand over half of his face and said, "I think I'll take my chances with one eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f6st6/ill_take_my_chances/
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The Superiority of Rabbits

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.
"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.
A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.
The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner.
And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones.
And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
The moral of the story:
The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your advisor is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f6s7i/the_superiority_of_rabbits/
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Floppy disks are like Jesus

They died to become a symbol of saving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f6r4a/floppy_disks_are_like_jesus/
%
Yesterday i gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.

Today i lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f6qoy/yesterday_i_gave_up_my_seat_on_the_bus_for_a/
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..…sıɥʇ

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ﻿ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f6n47/sıɥʇ/
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The swordfish doesn't have any natural predators to fear of ...

... except for the penfish, which is thought to be even mightier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f6drt/the_swordfish_doesnt_have_any_natural_predators/
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Why was the washing machine laughing?

Because it was taking the piss out of the knickers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f6d8b/why_was_the_washing_machine_laughing/
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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f6a6r/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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How do mermaids give birth?

A sea section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f65e5/how_do_mermaids_give_birth/
%
I called the abuse hotline and they were so rude to me

They said they only help victims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5ymp/i_called_the_abuse_hotline_and_they_were_so_rude/
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Damn girl are you gold, titanium, sulphur, titanium, carbon?

Cause you look AU TI S TI C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5xqw/damn_girl_are_you_gold_titanium_sulphur_titanium/
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What's the difference between my penis and my jokes?

My jokes are long :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5xn2/whats_the_difference_between_my_penis_and_my_jokes/
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Change is inevitable...

Except from a vending machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5vpb/change_is_inevitable/
%
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5toq/what_kind_of_exercise_do_lazy_people_do/
%
A man enters an elevator of a fine hotel and says "Ballroom please"

To which the lady standing in front of him replies "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5od8/a_man_enters_an_elevator_of_a_fine_hotel_and_says/
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An Irishman meets a black man in a pub.

An Irishman is having a few drinks in his local pub. He notices that there's a black man at the end of the bar. Intrigued by the fact that he's there (he hadn't seen many black people before today), he decides to go talk to him. They have a friendly conversation, then they both head into the bathroom, as they had been bursting to go after so many beers. They're using adjacent urinals when the Irishman decides to take a peek, to see if the stereotypes are true.
"Woah, you've got a banging cock there man! How'd it get like that?" he asks.
"You see, as small children in our village in Africa, our mothers would tie a rock to a string and then attach it to the end of the penis," the African responds.
"Are you sure that works?" questioned the Irishman.
"Well, it worked for me," he replies.
&nbsp;
A week passes and the Irishman had walked around all week with a rock tied around his dick. He meets the black man again in the same pub.
"Hey, I tried the rock thing, but I'm not sure its working right, mind taking a look at it?" he asks, worried that the man might find it weird.
"No problem. Come into the bathroom with me."
They go into the bathroom and the Irishman pulls down his pants.
"How's it look?" he questions.
"I don't see what the problem is. It's turning black already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5n0r/an_irishman_meets_a_black_man_in_a_pub/
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Why were the Middle Ages called the dark ages?

Knights for dayz
(My nearly 11 kid brother made this up, he's well on his way to being a dad ...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5mpa/why_were_the_middle_ages_called_the_dark_ages/
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If Wonder Woman is the best female warrior

Would that make her Amazon Prime?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5lj9/if_wonder_woman_is_the_best_female_warrior/
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Did you know If you laid out all your veins and arteries next to your body side by side

You'd be dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5k4f/did_you_know_if_you_laid_out_all_your_veins_and/
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How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of murder?

She claimed she had locomotives.
(I'm sorry.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5je4/how_did_the_train_conductor_use_the_insanity/
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A man at a bar spots two beautiful woman at a table nearby.

He turns to the bartender and says "I would like to buy those women a drink."
The bartender looks over and, recognizing the women, replies "I don't know, they might not be interested."
But the man is persistent, and the bartender shrugs and delivers the drinks. After a minute of nothing but some awkward glances, the man walks up and introduces himself, asking "How are you ladies enjoying your drinks?"
The first woman responds "Thank you, and I'm flattered, but you see, we're lesbians."
The man, confused as he had never heard the term before, asks "A lesbian, whats that?"
The second woman, annoyed, bluntly states "It means we like to eat pussy."
The man suddenly brightens up, sits himself down at the table, and shouts to the bar "Hey! Three drinks for us lesbians!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5ikt/a_man_at_a_bar_spots_two_beautiful_woman_at_a/
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What do you get from having too much phone sex?

hearing AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5hqx/what_do_you_get_from_having_too_much_phone_sex/
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Legendary Skins in a Nutshell

Blizzard: Wanna hear a joke?
Me: Sure.
Blizzard: Legendary Skins.
Me: I don't get it.
Blizzard: Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5hi4/legendary_skins_in_a_nutshell/
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Why are orphans bad at baseball?

Because they can't find home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5e6c/why_are_orphans_bad_at_baseball/
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What do you call a bunch of Democrats in a basement?

A whine cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5d7o/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_democrats_in_a/
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Calm down about Kathy Griffin

That's just how women joke in the locker room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5c43/calm_down_about_kathy_griffin/
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What do you call a vampire getting a makeover?

Re-vamping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f59i2/what_do_you_call_a_vampire_getting_a_makeover/
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What is it that starts with an R and never ends?

Reorganization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f592h/what_is_it_that_starts_with_an_r_and_never_ends/
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My time machine landed right in the middle of Hitler's living room

I thought to myself, now's my chance to make the world a better place
"Please sir," I pleaded, "Don't gas the Jews."
"Gas the Jews?" Hitler replied, "Hmm, I hadn't thought of that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f55r8/my_time_machine_landed_right_in_the_middle_of/
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How do you organize a space party?

You planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f55f2/how_do_you_organize_a_space_party/
%
Who would win in a fight, Ling Xiaoyu or Anakin Skywalker?

Depends on how old Ling is, if Ling were an adult she would destroy Anakin, but Anakin would kill a young Ling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f5431/who_would_win_in_a_fight_ling_xiaoyu_or_anakin/
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My girl friend says I am paradoxical.

"A huge-ass dick with a tiny-little-ass penis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f530c/my_girl_friend_says_i_am_paradoxical/
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Dave and Fred

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature. Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then **POOF!**... she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Dave shouts back, "Don't swing, Fred! For the love of God, don't swing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f503d/dave_and_fred/
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The Train Conductor

There was a man. He was a train conductor by trade. One day, he saw a woman fall on the tracks in front of his train, but made no effort to stop. He was arrested at the next stop and, unable to make a good excuse for his arrogance, was sentenced to death by electric chair. He accepted his death as a bad conductor whilst sitting in the chair. Electricity flowed everywhere around him, but he didn't die. The people carrying out the death order decided to let the man walk free. He saw this as a second chance, and he decided to turn his life around and become a good man. He managed to get his train conducting job back, and aspired to be a good train operator. However, after only a few days back, a woman fell in front of his train in a similar situation to his past experience. He quickly made the brakes squeal, but to no avail. There was nothing he could do, and the woman died. The conductor was arrested and, due to his past track record, was sentenced to death by electric chair for a second time. This time, the electricity flowed right through him, killing him, because he was a good conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4xne/the_train_conductor/
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Today the inventor of autocorrect has died

Resturant  in peace

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4vdp/today_the_inventor_of_autocorrect_has_died/
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A little boy had a babysitter...

The babysitter was new, and not entirely sure of herself. As soon as the parents were gone, the boy saw his chance and told her, "You know, my parents always let me have dessert before dinner." The babysitter considered this for a moment, then said, "Well, ok, you can have dessert first."
The boy couldn't believe his luck and greedily ate a large piece of chocolate cake. After dinner, he tried again. "You know, my parents always let me stay up late and watch scary movies," he insisted. The babysitter thought for a few seconds this time. Then she relented, "I guess if they let you, you can watch scary movies." The boy happily plopped on the couch to find all the movies his mom wouldn't let him see.
By midnight, the babysitter could tell he was getting tired. She suggested he get ready for bed. The boy told her, "My parents always lay in bed with me and read me a story." "Finally!" the babysitter exclaimed, "Something that sounds normal!" She settled beside him and read him a story.
When the story was over, the boy said, "There's one more thing I forgot to tell you. My mom ALWAYS lets me tickle her belly button with my finger so I can fall asleep." The babysitter, not even fazed this time, said "Fine, whatever, you can tickle my belly button."
After a few minutes, the babysitter yells, "Hey! That isn't my belly button!"
The boy smiles, "That isn't my finger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4tvi/a_little_boy_had_a_babysitter/
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What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4sag/what_do_you_call_an_incestuous_nephew/
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A man takes his wife to the doctor NSFW

A man takes his wife to the doctor for nymphomania. Reluctantly the doctor agrees to examine the woman. Alone he asks her to disrobe and lie on the table.
Dutifully he examines her but the woman is squirming and moaning and begging for sex. The doctor decides, what's the harm, and drops trou and begins ploughing away.
The sound of sex echoing the halls and alerts the husband who then rushes to the examining room. Upon seeing the doctor balls deep in his wife the man asks
"Just what the fuck do you think you are doing"
Thinking fast the doctor replies , "taking your wife's temperature"
The husband grabs a scalpal from the drawer and replies, "when you pull that thing out it better have numbers on it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4rkt/a_man_takes_his_wife_to_the_doctor_nsfw/
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How do muppets die?

They kermit suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4r5d/how_do_muppets_die/
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How do you call a circle jerk that got way out of hand?

A political party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4ps7/how_do_you_call_a_circle_jerk_that_got_way_out_of/
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My dad and I play hide and seek all the time. My record was 3 hours until my dad found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4mac/my_dad_and_i_play_hide_and_seek_all_the_time_my/
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My spandex shorts told me a joke this morning....

it was a real stretch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4m8e/my_spandex_shorts_told_me_a_joke_this_morning/
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Dora the Explorer has a little Muslim friend...

Doda the Exploder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4lmd/dora_the_explorer_has_a_little_muslim_friend/
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Do you know whats the best thing about dating homeless girls?

The fact that you can drop them off anywhere you want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4kqw/do_you_know_whats_the_best_thing_about_dating/
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My girlfriend is so smart

I called her on my friend's phone and she said "What's up, honey?".
She already knew it was me on the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4kby/my_girlfriend_is_so_smart/
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And Irishman walks out of a bar...

It could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4je1/and_irishman_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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A magician was driving down the street...

then he turned into a driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4j0a/a_magician_was_driving_down_the_street/
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Did you know Hitler went completely blind toward the end of his life?

He actually killed himself because he could Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4ga5/did_you_know_hitler_went_completely_blind_toward/
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I was celibate for 25 years...

then I got divorced...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4g0r/i_was_celibate_for_25_years/
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Why don't helicopters fly in the morning?

Twirly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4fv0/why_dont_helicopters_fly_in_the_morning/
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What do trees in early spring, and shitty dads, have in common?

They'll both soon be leaving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4fhv/what_do_trees_in_early_spring_and_shitty_dads/
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Have you tasted baby Wookie meat?

They say it's a little Chewie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4esy/have_you_tasted_baby_wookie_meat/
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How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They don't screw it in. They just wait for it to burn out and then follow it around for 20 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4epp/how_many_grateful_dead_fans_does_it_take_to_screw/
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How can you get stung by the alphabet?

A bee. See?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4e49/how_can_you_get_stung_by_the_alphabet/
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My armless uncle was a bank robber for 40 years and th e police couldn't ever capture him...

Apparently, they couldn't arrest him for armed robbery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4cpv/my_armless_uncle_was_a_bank_robber_for_40_years/
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Why did Hitler kill him self?

He saw his gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f4b8y/why_did_hitler_kill_him_self/
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A guy died because he couldn't get off while masturbating...

He had a bad stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f46z9/a_guy_died_because_he_couldnt_get_off_while/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Nothing she gagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f46ff/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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Why do women fart less than men?

Because they can't keep quiet long enough to build up the required pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f460c/why_do_women_fart_less_than_men/
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My Psychologist told me my narcissism could cause me to misread social situations

but i'm pretty sure she was just hitting on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f45xk/my_psychologist_told_me_my_narcissism_could_cause/
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I swiped right on a girl I thought was cute...

She said, "Get your fucking hand off my face".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f44pz/i_swiped_right_on_a_girl_i_thought_was_cute/
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I like my women how I like my coffee beans

Thrown into a burlap sack and illegally transported across Central America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f42zw/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee_beans/
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My friend told me he was an Alt-Rightist.

I told him I was an Alt-F4ist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f42ka/my_friend_told_me_he_was_an_altrightist/
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A bike cannot stand by itself.

It's two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f41tn/a_bike_cannot_stand_by_itself/
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An American, Japanese and Irish businessmen are having a business lunch....

While chatting, the ego of the American and Japanese men start to get the better of them and spend most of their time boasting, much to the discomfort of the Irish man.
Suddenly a phone rings, it's the American and he takes the call by putting his watch up to his face. When he's done, he proudly shows off his latest purchase, believing it to be the best in technology.
Then, another phone rings, this time the Japanese man. He pushes the palm of his hand and puts his thumb to his ear and small finger to his mouth and has a full conversation. When finished, he shows the other two gentlemen his technology implants he's received for making calls.
Suddenly the Irish man's phone rings, however he's embarrassed as it is a fairly simple device. He suddenly jumps up and races to the toilet, much to the amusement of the other two guests.
When he returns from the toilet, he has a long line of toilet paper dragging behind him from his arse.
His two counterparts, a little bemused by what they are seeing, ask the Irish man if he's ok.
The Irishman replied - 'Ah yeah, I'm grand. Just had to receive a fax'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f3xf8/an_american_japanese_and_irish_businessmen_are/
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What is the difference between a horny Boy Scout and a hungry one?

Where he puts the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f3vrq/what_is_the_difference_between_a_horny_boy_scout/
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An English man, a French man and an Irish man find a lamp...

They give it a rub and a Genie pops out and grants each of them a wish.
With his superiority complex is overdrive, the English man asked that he be returned to his fair homeland at once and that a wall be built around it's border to keep the foreigners out. Pooof, his wish is granted and he's gone.
The French man also asks to be returned to his beautiful homeland, but he also requests that the wall around England is made twice as high, just so that he's not disturbed again.
Finally, the Irish man has his chance at his wish. He asks the Genie about that English wall - 'Can anything get in or out?' he asked.
The Genie replied that it was totally secure.
The Irish man asked the Genie to make it rain for 6 months in England.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f3vd6/an_english_man_a_french_man_and_an_irish_man_find/
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Necrophilia is like drinking beer

There's nothing like popping open a cold one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f3v8z/necrophilia_is_like_drinking_beer/
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A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator.

He looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white guy faints and falls to the floor.
The black guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the white guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? "
The black guy says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The white guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f3upt/a_skinny_little_white_guy_walks_into_an_elevator/
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How to tumble from the stairs step one

Step 2
Step 3
Step 4,5,6,7,8,9,...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f3udo/how_to_tumble_from_the_stairs_step_one/
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Wanna know the real reason the Donald Trump won?

[This post has been removed by The Republican Party]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f3snq/wanna_know_the_real_reason_the_donald_trump_won/
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To the Scumbag that stole 300 cans of RedBull from my shop,

I don't know how you can sleep at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f3pce/to_the_scumbag_that_stole_300_cans_of_redbull/
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Good news, bad news and worse news

A guy and his new wife submitted samples for testing before trying to have children. Once the results are in, the husband goes into the medical centre to receive the findings.
"I've got good news, bad news and worse news for you, sir," says the lab tech who greets him. "The good news is you're clean; the bad news is there was a mixup with your wife's results and those of another woman with the same name; the worse news is we have the results back for both women, and your wife has either got HIV or Alzheimer's."
Oh, my God! This is terrible!" the husband cries. "What on earth am I going to do?"
"We've given it some consideration," says the tech, "and we recommend that you take your wife out and drop her off somewhere in the middle of town."
"In the middle of town? But what the bloody hell is *that* supposed to accomplish?"
"If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f3n9p/good_news_bad_news_and_worse_news/
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I have a life...

and that's why I'm on my computer all day making shit jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f3kjd/i_have_a_life/
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A guy confesses to his psychiatrist that he's having trouble at work...

"What sort of trouble?" asks the shrink.
"I work in the production line at a pickle factory, and I know this is going to sound crazy, but lately I've been fantasizing about putting my penis into the pickle-slicer."
"My God, man!" the shrink exclaims. "You can't do that!"
"I know! I know! The consequences would be disastrous! But it's become this weird obsession and I can't stop thinking about it!"
The concerned doctor does what he can to dissuade his troubled patient from enacting this horrible idea. Things seem to be going well and the fellow perks up a bit over the next few sessions, although he admits that he still thinks about it from time to time. Finally, one day the bloke arrives for his session with a hangdog expression on his face. Before the shrink can say anything, the guy says,
"Well, I've done it."
"Done what?"
"I lost my mind at work the other day, and when no one else was around on the factory floor, I did it: I put my penis in the pickle slicer."
"Good Lord!" cries the shrink. "What happened?"
"Well, I got caught and they bloody well sacked me right on the spot!"
"But what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, that... yeah, they fired her, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f3f2g/a_guy_confesses_to_his_psychiatrist_that_hes/
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They say, You never know how many people you hate until you have to name your child

well, we didn't know how many people hated us until we tried to find Godparents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f395w/they_say_you_never_know_how_many_people_you_hate/
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Police arrested two kids yesterday!!!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f381b/police_arrested_two_kids_yesterday/
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Mexican and Muslim jokes are pretty much the same.

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard allah them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f36rq/mexican_and_muslim_jokes_are_pretty_much_the_same/
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How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2...but who knows how they got in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f34bk/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What's the difference between the Atlanta Falcons and a dollar?

A dollar is good for four quarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f345h/whats_the_difference_between_the_atlanta_falcons/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f3347/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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So a redditor walks into a bar..

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."
"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.
"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I browse /r/jokes so I've heard them all over and over and over again".
Curious, the bartender pulls out his phone and browses /r/jokes for a few minutes.
"How about this?" he asks, "A man is driving through a remote forested area at night when his car breaks down next to an old monastery..."
"Heard it.", interrupts the redditor. "It's reposted every month."
The bartender apologies and starts scrolling on his phone for a few more minutes.
"Ooh, here we go, so why did the turkey cross the road.. "
"Heard it!!", the redditor snaps. "that's reposted every week!"
The bartender is flustered but tries again, furiously browsing the subreddit. "Aha! This one is sure to impress.. What is Donald Trump's favorite nation? "
"No, no, no!!!", the redditor cries out. "That joke is reposted every day!"
"OK, OK, please give me one more try", the bartender pleads. He scrolls furiously through his phone. "Nope... nope... nope... YES!! This is a great one!"
"OK, lay it on me", the redditor asks eagerly.
"Here it is", the bartender replies. "So a redditor walks into a bar..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f32io/so_a_redditor_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why was Heisenberg such a bad lover?

When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position, and when he found the position, he couldn't muster up the momentum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f32gd/why_was_heisenberg_such_a_bad_lover/
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How does a black person babysit the white neighbor kid?

He Puts him in the cupboard with the rest of the crackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f3071/how_does_a_black_person_babysit_the_white/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Don't know, don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2znf/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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What do Jamaican Charizards eat in Hawaii?

Poke, mon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2ve9/what_do_jamaican_charizards_eat_in_hawaii/
%
I just cancelled my gym membership

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2udb/i_just_cancelled_my_gym_membership/
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A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama.

Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.
Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says "Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?"
She smiles and says, "Yale."
He says, "YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2ox8/a_businesswoman_from_connecticut_has_a_meeting_in/
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Where are smells made?

Olfactories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2oqv/where_are_smells_made/
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How do you turn a fox into a whale?

You marry her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2nvl/how_do_you_turn_a_fox_into_a_whale/
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Child's play

When one of his employees didn't show up to work one day without phoning in, his boss called his home phone number, and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello?"
The boss asked "Is your Daddy home?" to which the small voice replied "Yes".
The man asked "Can I please speak to him?", but to his surprise, the small voice whispered "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked "What about your Mommy, is she there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Growing a bit concerned, the boss asked "Is there anyone there besides you?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2lf9/childs_play/
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I prevented a rape today.

I convinced her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2kpt/i_prevented_a_rape_today/
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A man does and goes to heaven

He meets god and asks him
"What is the meaning of life?"
"Well, if I told you, it'll ruin the joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2jc8/a_man_does_and_goes_to_heaven/
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A guy walks into a diner and orders a cup of coffee...

When the waitress sets the cup down in front of him, he notices that she's holding the cup in such a way that her thumb is literally *in* the liquid. Disgusted, but not wanting to cause a scene, he politely asks for a different cup and doesn't point out her faux pas. The waitress looks at him curiously, but complies, going back to the kitchen and returning with a fresh cup within a minute. Once again, her thumb is in the coffee. The man sighs and again orders a different cup with no explanation. Again, she looks puzzled but complies. When she returns with the third cup, yet again her thumb is in the coffee.
"Ugh!" He finally exclaims, unable to contain himself any longer. "Don't you realize that every time you bring me the coffee, you've got your *thumb* in my cup???"
"Oh, that!" She says in comprehension. "I'm sorry, but I have a very painful paper cut on that thumb and it soothes it to stick it in something warm."
"Then why don't you shove it up your arse?!" He says angrily.
"Oh, I do, every time I go back to the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2iam/a_guy_walks_into_a_diner_and_orders_a_cup_of/
%
There isn't a lot of water in Egypt.

And if you disagree, you're in the Nile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2i2g/there_isnt_a_lot_of_water_in_egypt/
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A woman lying on her death bed wanted all to know she was a virgin....

She asked that her headstone would forever read:
'Born a virgin, lived a virgin and died a virgin'.
When the stonemason was making her headstone, he ran out of space so just carved:
'Returned unopened'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2gqp/a_woman_lying_on_her_death_bed_wanted_all_to_know/
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I just got genital herpes...

...that'll be the last time I play catch with my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2etn/i_just_got_genital_herpes/
%
What rhymes with orange

Wait, no it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2d8l/what_rhymes_with_orange/
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What do you call someone who only likes people with 10 toes?

Lack toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2av2/what_do_you_call_someone_who_only_likes_people/
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Your Uncle Jack is stuck on a horse.

Would you help your Uncle jack off a horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f2ai1/your_uncle_jack_is_stuck_on_a_horse/
%
Knock knock.

Who's there?
To.
To who?
*To whom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f28tr/knock_knock/
%
I've never met a full-blown Jew

They're always just Jewish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f27ex/ive_never_met_a_fullblown_jew/
%
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Especially when you aim for his head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f26km/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away/
%
What's the difference between a penis and a pianist?

One sits down and tickles the ivories, the other stands up and tickles the ovaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f25tk/whats_the_difference_between_a_penis_and_a_pianist/
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What do you call children born in a whorehouse?

Brothel sprouts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f23zm/what_do_you_call_children_born_in_a_whorehouse/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job?

One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f23tk/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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Man answers the phone: "Hello sir, this is a short survey. What is your name?

"Adam"
And your wife's?
"Eve"
Ha! That's funny..does the snake lives there too?
"Yes one moment. Honey, get your mom please..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f22ja/man_answers_the_phone_hello_sir_this_is_a_short/
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I made a 3D game about a depressed self-harming goth

It's mostly unskippable cutscenes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f21o4/i_made_a_3d_game_about_a_depressed_selfharming/
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A young tourist is sitting down at a bar

Suddenly, an elderly man walks in, and the entire bar erupts in laughter. He goes and sits at the bar.
The young tourist slides over to him and asks, "Why were they all laughing at you?"
The old man looks at him, and says "Do you see this bar?"
"Yes, it's quite beautiful"
"Aye, I built this bar, and every bar in this town. But do they call me Seamus the Bar-builder? No.
"How about that fence? Do you like that fence?"
"Of course" said the tourist.
"Aye, I built that fence, and it runs all through town. But do they call me Seamus the Fence-builder? No.
"But you fuck one goat..."
"Surely people will eventually forget"
"Aye, they would've long ago; if not for the fact that people find this funny and post it online every 2 days..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f21o0/a_young_tourist_is_sitting_down_at_a_bar/
%
I used to be indecisive...

But now I'm not so sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f21fg/i_used_to_be_indecisive/
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Mr. Trump told his servant to water the plant outside the house

The servant said, "But sir, it's raining outside"
Mr. Trump replied, "Can't you use the umbrella?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f20yk/mr_trump_told_his_servant_to_water_the_plant/
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If I got a dollar every time a joke was reposted

Somebody would repost this joke and be richer than me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f20h3/if_i_got_a_dollar_every_time_a_joke_was_reposted/
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Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f20au/slutty_girls_are_like_walmarts/
%
A girl brings her boyfriend to meet her dad...

Dad: Of all people, you choose to be with this stupid and lazy arse?
Boyfriend: ...
Girl: Dad, don't say things like that about him! You don't even know him yet. He's currently studying to get a doctorate in physics while working a full time job.
Dad: (to Girl) I wasn't talking to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1yzf/a_girl_brings_her_boyfriend_to_meet_her_dad/
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I wouldn't call my marriage a sexual marriage

But I'd certainly call it asexual marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1v9b/i_wouldnt_call_my_marriage_a_sexual_marriage/
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What crime does a careful walnut engage in?

Safe cracking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1v49/what_crime_does_a_careful_walnut_engage_in/
%
I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1tsf/i_bought_a_cheap_thesaurus_yesterday/
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How is Donald Trump like a pumpkin?

He is orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and should have been thrown out in early November.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1sr3/how_is_donald_trump_like_a_pumpkin/
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What language do delivery drivers speak in the Harry Potter universe?

Parcel tongue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1qjf/what_language_do_delivery_drivers_speak_in_the/
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I got dumped by a woman that was a nutritionist.

She said, "Come back to me when you know what's good for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1o0s/i_got_dumped_by_a_woman_that_was_a_nutritionist/
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Why do space rocks taste better than Earth rocks?

Because they're a little meteor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1lz6/why_do_space_rocks_taste_better_than_earth_rocks/
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How do you transfer money in the Vatican?

You use Papal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1ive/how_do_you_transfer_money_in_the_vatican/
%
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1e0g/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
%
I have the body of a god!

Buddha is a god right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1dkv/i_have_the_body_of_a_god/
%
What sport is the most religious?

Lacrosse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1d0i/what_sport_is_the_most_religious/
%
Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.
He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.
The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."
The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1cw9/sex_could_be_fatal/
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Never trust an atom

when the pressure is on, they split.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1chs/never_trust_an_atom/
%
I called my wife Genji today

No matter how much she talked she wouldn't get to the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1aq5/i_called_my_wife_genji_today/
%
Jacob wanted to have sex

with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…
One day, Jacob got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.
Jacob said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1agn/jacob_wanted_to_have_sex/
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An athiest, a vegan, and a CrossFit coach walked into a bar

I know because they told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1a4c/an_athiest_a_vegan_and_a_crossfit_coach_walked/
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Is it okay to hate certain races?

Because I hate the 10k, more of a 5k type of guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f19nw/is_it_okay_to_hate_certain_races/
%
I used my knife to conserve ammo...

the rest of the paintball tournament were horrified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f18yp/i_used_my_knife_to_conserve_ammo/
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Wife and Husband Conversation Over Beer

Wife: Do you drink beer? Husband: Yes
Wife: How many beers a day?
Husband: Usually about 3
Wife: How much do you pay per beer?
Husband: $5.00 which includes a tip
Wife: And how long have you been drinking?
Husband: About 20 years, I suppose
Wife: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Husband: Correct
Wife: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Husband: Correct
Wife: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Private Jet?
Husband: Do you drink beer?
Wife: No
Husband: Where the Fuck is your Private Jet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f1838/wife_and_husband_conversation_over_beer/
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A blind man fell down a well...

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f16re/a_blind_man_fell_down_a_well/
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Asian , Mexican , black and White

On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f160x/asian_mexican_black_and_white/
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"Your next spelling word is: beheaded."

Can you use it in a sentence please?
"Sure, Kathy Griffin beheaded to the unemployment office."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f12cu/your_next_spelling_word_is_beheaded/
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A guy walks into a sandwich shop

in Paris.
The guy working there looks at him funny for a minute, and then asks "Hey, weren't you in my company in the Marines?"
"I thought you looked familiar too! Yes, I was indeed. Great seeing you after all these years" he replies.
So they chit chatted for a bit. After a couple of minutes the guy asks "wait, what are you doing in Paris?"
So the sandwich guy tells him his story.
"Whoa! Never knew you were a half-frenchie!" The guy then starts talking in a ridiculous French accent: "oh oh! I am ze baguette! Le victory is mine" ho ho". The sandwich guy, getting tired of this, stops him and asks "well what do you want in your sandwich?"
"I eat ze thirty centimeter wiz ze bread zet iz yellow"
"That's the flat bread"
"Oui, le flat bread"
"I want ze sauce zat iz white and a creamy!"
"Mayonnaise..?"
"Oui! Le mayonnaise!"
The guy keeps taking like a retarded French person, when they get to the veggies:
"I eat ze little black circles"
"The olives?"
"Oui, olives in ze yellow sub, marine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f10e5/a_guy_walks_into_a_sandwich_shop/
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Friendship is like peeing on yourself

Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f0zka/friendship_is_like_peeing_on_yourself/
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My joke about a sequence of people awaiting their turn to get some fruit juice, got me banned from /r/jokes...

...because I put the punchline in the title...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f0ura/my_joke_about_a_sequence_of_people_awaiting_their/
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Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

1. Keep your back straight
2. knees bent.
3. Feet shoulder width apart.
4. Form a loose Grip
5. keep your head down
6. avoid a quick backswing
7. stay out of the water
8. try not to hit anybody
9. if you taking too long you should let others
go ahead of you
10. you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
11. be quite when others are about to go
12. keep strokes to a minimum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f0sw2/golf_is_like_urinating_in_a_public_toilet/
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My fruit and vegetable business recently went into liquidation

We now sell smoothies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f0sra/my_fruit_and_vegetable_business_recently_went/
%
Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be two of them
Now it's a really sensitive subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f0rjh/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
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I call my wife Bambi and she thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

Actually, it's because I shot her mother with a hunting rifle...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f0qb9/i_call_my_wife_bambi_and_she_thinks_its_because/
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What do you call a slim ruler who's considering something?

Thin-king

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f0mip/what_do_you_call_a_slim_ruler_whos_considering/
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A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face...

Totally ruined the mood.
Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye.
He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months.
Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend!
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries and eloped together, left me behind without as much as a note.
I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f0hq2/a_couple_of_years_ago_one_night_i_was_about_to/
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A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f0f9d/a_horse_is_sitting_at_home_watching_mtv/
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Adam asked God.....

"God, why did you make Eve so beautiful?"
"So that you would like her."
"But why you make her so dumb too?"
"So that she would like you too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f0dz0/adam_asked_god/
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I had to specify an IT system for the local anorexia clinic.

I recommended a thin client architecture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f0acq/i_had_to_specify_an_it_system_for_the_local/
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Guy gets off a bus with a black eye...

His friend, who'd been waiting for him, says,  "Jeezus, mate! What the hell happened to you?"
"Ah, it's nothin'. The lady who was sitting in front of me in the bus was wearin' a loose skirt, and when she stood up to get out, I noticed it was tucked in the crack of her ass, so without thinking I grabbed the edge of the hem and gave it a little tug to pop it out for her. She didn't appreciate it, so she turned around and decked me in the face!"
"Blimey, mate. Well, I hope you learned your lesson!"
"Oh, yeah. I'm never doing *that* again!"
The next day, same guy gets off the bus, and this time his friend sees that he has *two* black eyes.
"What happened *this* time?"
"Remember that lady that I told you about yesterday? Well, oddly enough I found myself sitting behind her again, and once again she was wearing another loose skirt, and, sure enough, when she stood up to leave, it was tucked into the crack of her ass..."
"Oh, God! Don't tell me you did it again!"
"No, of course not! But the guy sitting next to me noticed, and he reached up and tugged on the hem of her skirt to pop it out, just like I did the other day."
"And she thought you did it?"
"No, but I knew she didn't like people tugging her skirt out of her ass crack, so before she could turn around, I stuffed it back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f0abg/guy_gets_off_a_bus_with_a_black_eye/
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Some say that there's no benefit in having a Y chromosome...

Actually, it makes a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f0a0v/some_say_that_theres_no_benefit_in_having_a_y/
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Old Cold War joke

A Russian and an American are talking about their countries. The American said, " we have the most freedom in the world, I can march into the White House bang on the president's desk and say sir I do not like how this country is being run." The Russian replied," I can do that too, I can march into the Kremlin, go up to our leaders desk and say sir I do not like how the US government is being run."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f068j/old_cold_war_joke/
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3 Women

Are sitting in a salon getting their hair done, talking about their husbands.
The first woman says: "I call my husband "Long John", because he has a loooong John!"
The second says: "I call my husband "Big Willy", because he's got a biiiiig willy!"
The third says: "I call my husband Southern Comfort"
"Southern Comfort? Isn't that some kind of fancy liquor?"
"Yup, he sure is!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f02oy/3_women/
%
Don’t be afraid of a little metaphor.

It won’t bite you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6f0085/dont_be_afraid_of_a_little_metaphor/
%
A man walks into a library and asks if there are any books about paranoia.

The librarian says: "They're right behind you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ezyz5/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_if_there_are/
%
A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard

so she reports it to
the Captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of
human trafficking!
There is a
very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”
We must save the lady !!!
The Captain responds,
Patricia,
I’ve told you before..
We have resigned from *United Airlines*.
This is *Air Force One*
Please learn to respect the American President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ezwc0/a_flight_attendant_sees_a_suspicious_looking/
%
My relationship to whiskey

has been on the rocks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ezvgn/my_relationship_to_whiskey/
%
Prospective Members

Three couples were thinking of joining a church. After attending a few services, they approach the pastor to ask about getting baptized.
"Sure thing," says the pastor, "But before we can welcome you into the fold as true believers, you must pass a trial of faith."
"What do we have to do?" They ask.
"You must attend our church regularly for the next three months. During this period of time, you are to refrain from smoking, drinking, and sexual relations. If you can do this, we will welcome you into the fold."
Three months go by with all three couples attending regularly. Following their final service as petitioners, the pastor interviews them to gauge their worthiness. He starts with the first couple:
"Did you smoke?"
"No."
"Did you drink?"
"No."
"Did you have sex?"
"No."
"Excellent! You have proved your faithfulness! I am pleased to welcome you into the church!"
He moves on to the second couple:
"Did you smoke?"
"No."
"Did you drink?"
"No."
"Did you have sex?"
"No."
"Excellent! You also have proved your faithfulness! I am pleased to welcome you into the church!"
He moves on to the third couple:
"Did you smoke?"
"No."
"Did you drink?"
"No."
"Did you have sex?"
"No... until just a couple of days ago," the husband admits sheepishly.
"Oh, no!" The pastor exclaims. "What happened?"
"Well, my wife was wearing this sexy miniskirt that I just love on her and when she bent over to pick up a tomato off the floor, I just couldn't stand it any longer."
"Goodness! I'm sorry, my children, but I'm afraid I can't let you into the church."
"That's OK," says the husband. "They won't let us into the supermarket anymore, either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ezv92/prospective_members/
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I wear tank tops because of the Second Amendment.

I sure do love my right to bare arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ezq96/i_wear_tank_tops_because_of_the_second_amendment/
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What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale always starts out "once upon a time"
A ghetto fairytale always starts out "y'all ain't fittin to believe dis shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ezoq6/whats_the_difference_between_a_northern_fairytale/
%
Do you know why smart people are annoying lovers?

Because summa them cum laude-ly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eznqh/do_you_know_why_smart_people_are_annoying_lovers/
%
If you stand in front of a car, you get tired.

If you stand behind a car, you get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eznmf/if_you_stand_in_front_of_a_car_you_get_tired/
%
In my community we have a neighborhood watch,

It's actually more like a clock tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ezlcq/in_my_community_we_have_a_neighborhood_watch/
%
What nationality are you in the bathroom?

I bet your Russian to the bathroom but in there European.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ezixj/what_nationality_are_you_in_the_bathroom/
%
Wonder Woman would have been a much better movie without all the product placement.

2 and a half hours of Amazon this and Amazon that... sheesh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ezh0z/wonder_woman_would_have_been_a_much_better_movie/
%
What did the blonde say when she woke up under the milk cow?

"Oh! Are all you guys still here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ezdfv/what_did_the_blonde_say_when_she_woke_up_under/
%
A crocodile tried to have sex but couldn't...

He had a reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ezbcg/a_crocodile_tried_to_have_sex_but_couldnt/
%
I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig.

It's not a beautiful poem but it's pretty deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ezaht/i_dig_she_dig_we_dig_he_dig_they_dig_you_dig/
%
My wife asked me to please stop singing "Wonderwall" by Oasis

I said maybe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ez6is/my_wife_asked_me_to_please_stop_singing/
%
Recently found out I was colorblind...

I guess I just didn't see the red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ez66u/recently_found_out_i_was_colorblind/
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The Carpool Joke

Three men decide to carpool together to work. For the first couple of days it seems great: they’re saving gas, they’re making good time, it all seems to be going perfect.
Then one night while they’re on their way home they pass through a tunnel. The three men begin to feel strange and then all pass out.
They wake up hours late, their car neatly parked on the side of the road. Strangely, they were outside of the tunnel. The men decide to continue home and discuss it the following morning.
The next morning their drive goes without interruption. However, on the way home they travel under the tunnel and all black out again. Late at night they wake up outside the tunnel, their heads pounding but strangely their wrists hurting severely.
They decide enough is enough, they’ll go to a doctor to figure out this strange occurrence. The next morning, they all call in sick and visit the doctor. While in the office they each get a series of tests, they are analyzed by psychiatrists who ask them questions about the strange occurrence during their carpools. The blacking out once they start to travel through the tunnel and the waking up on the side of the road. The strange chronic arm pain. Finally, after hours of testing the results are in. The doctor sits them down and places his clipboard onto his desk.
“Gentlemen, I’m so sorry. You all have carpool tunnel syndrome."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ez4k8/the_carpool_joke/
%
My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me...

'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'
'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ez3qi/my_wife_looked_at_herself_in_the_mirror_and_said/
%
Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."

Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"
Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."
Friend, "But you can't die of that!"
Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we shot him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ez2bj/little_johnny_tells_his_friend_my_grandpa_died/
%
What did the Leper say after his night with a prostitute?

"Keep the tip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyzfj/what_did_the_leper_say_after_his_night_with_a/
%
An Australian notices a New Zealander having sex with a sheep.

He says "Hey mate, shouldn't you be shearing that sheep?"
The New Zealander replies "Fuck off, I'm not shearing it with anyone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyz0o/an_australian_notices_a_new_zealander_having_sex/
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I'd love to you a joke about Edward Elric...

but it will cost an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyyyx/id_love_to_you_a_joke_about_edward_elric/
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An Idea can change your wife

One million copies of new book just sold in two days due to typing error of just one alphabet in the title

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyytg/an_idea_can_change_your_wife/
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What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?

Wasabi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyw95/what_did_sushi_a_say_to_sushi_b/
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An Irish Ghost story (long)

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true!!!!!
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.
They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... ..........
'Look Paddy.....there's that fecking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyv0l/an_irish_ghost_story_long/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyqxo/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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I don't believe Chuck Norris is that great

Cuz if he was, he would show up right now, and slam my head all over my keasdhjaiosdcnhq09w8hjkoldq0i9 wdhj09qw daU9 10Q9WDJ09W3Q21JD QWD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyqac/i_dont_believe_chuck_norris_is_that_great/
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What do you call a disney movie about antique cooking wares

pewter pan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eypet/what_do_you_call_a_disney_movie_about_antique/
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What do you call a group of impotent men running the 50m dash?

The olimpdicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyn9s/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_impotent_men_running/
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Doctor: "I'm sorry...

...but you are suffering from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live"
Patient: "10 what? Weeks? Months? Days?!"
Doctor: "9"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eym34/doctor_im_sorry/
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My momma always told me life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last very long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyjzc/my_momma_always_told_me_life_is_like_a_box_of/
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A rabbi on the links on Yontiff

It was a balmy day for the highest of the Holy Days, Yom Kippur and seated on a cloud were Moses and Jesus, enjoying the weather when suddenly Jesus spotted a familiar figure on the golf course just about to tee off. Turning to Moses " Hey Moshe, isn't that Rabbi Goldstein playing golf on Yontiff?" Says Moses after taking a quick look, "So it is." "Well, what are you going to do?", asks a rather perturbed Son of G-d.  "Don't worry " says Moshe, "I'll handle it."
A moment later Rabbi Goldstein with a mighty swing drops a hole-in-one at 325 yards. Upon seeing that Jesus becomes livid and yells at Moses this "I thought you said you were going to take care of it, but rather than punish him you gave Rabbi Goldstein a Herculean  hole in one!!!"" On Yom Kippur!!!"
"Ah yes," begins Moses. "But who can he tell??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyhs4/a_rabbi_on_the_links_on_yontiff/
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My wife and i were happy for 20 years...

Then we met

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyhg6/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_20_years/
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A psychic midget escaped from prison...

The police are looking for a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyfud/a_psychic_midget_escaped_from_prison/
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If I had a dollar for every good joke on this sub...

I would have around 15 dollars and a lot of photocopied money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eycao/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_good_joke_on_this_sub/
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What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyaue/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_cows_masturbating/
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Three doctors are talking about death

The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.”
“Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea, I’d love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…”
The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think scattering of the ashes is my option.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eyakd/three_doctors_are_talking_about_death/
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The World Expert on Wasps

A man was walking down a quiet street, when something caught his eye in the window of a charity shop. He wandered over to take a closer look, then smiled to himself, nodded, and entered the shop.
He walked up to the counter and said to the man serving there, "Is that record in the window really a copy of Wasp Noises of the World?"
"It most certainly is," said the shopkeeper.
"Excellent," said the man from the street. "I have searched for that record for a great many years. You see, I am the world's leading expert on wasps. I have written books on their habits, diets, stripe patterns and social structures, but what truly fascinates me is the noises they make. That record in the window is famous in the world of wasp study as the most accurate documentation of wasp noises in the world, and I haven't managed to acquire a copy until now."
"Well, this is your lucky day," the shopkeeper said. "I'll have it out of the window and bagged up for you right away."
"Hold on now," said the world expert on wasps. "It's a very old record, it may have distorted or been damaged, in which case it would be no use to me. I see you have a gramophone back there. Would you mind playing me a sample so I can be sure it's in good working order?"
The shopkeeper, grumbling to himself about how picky this customer was, set up the gramophone, retrieved Wasp Noises of the World from the window display, and placed the needle on the record, which began to play.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZzzzZzZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZ
The world expert on wasps lifted the needle off the record with a confused look on his face. "Now, this is most unusual," he said. "I am the world's foremost expert on wasps, and yet this wasp noise is entirely unfamiliar to me. Can you play me another, in case this part of the record is damaged?"
The shopkeeper moved the needle on a bit, and placed it back on the record.
ZzZzZzZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzZ
The world expert on wasps lifted thee needle again, looking extremely perplexed. "Something very strange is going on here," he muttered. "I am the world expert on wasps. No-one alive knows more about wasps than I do. And yet, once again, I do not recognize this wasp noise at all. Can you play me one more, to be certain?"
Again, thee shopkeeper mover the needle on, and again, the record played.
zzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzZzZzzZZzzZZZZzz
The world expert on wasps snatched the needle off the record, with a look of borderline panic on his face. "Something is definitely wrong with this record!" he exclaimed. "I am the greatest expert on wasps alive, nay, that has ever lived. No part of the life of the wasp is unknown to me. And yet, three times, this copy of Wasp Noises of the World has produced a wasp noise entirely alien to me. It cannot be that there are species of wasp whose noises have been recorded that I am not aware of. I would have been informed, consulted by the discoverers. Surely this record must be damaged. Would you inspect it for any signs?"
The shopkeeper, feeling distinctly put out by now, lifted up the record and examined it closely, at which point a knowing smile spread across his face.
"What is it?" asked the world expert on wasps. "Is the record damaged?"
"No," said the shopkeeper. "Nothing like that."
"Then what can possibly be going on?" asked the world expert on wasps. "I am acquainted with the noises of every species of wasp on the planet, and yet I don't recognize any of the ones you have played to me."
"Well," said the shopkeeper, "That's probably because it was playing the bee side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eya40/the_world_expert_on_wasps/
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My wife always wanted a nose job.

So she became a tissue designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ey7q6/my_wife_always_wanted_a_nose_job/
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When a man falls of a ship, you yell "Man Overboard". When a woman falls of a ship, you yell...

Full speed ahead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ey6er/when_a_man_falls_of_a_ship_you_yell_man_overboard/
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Vladimir does not pull out...

He only *putin*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ey2me/vladimir_does_not_pull_out/
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit their family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 51 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ey2bk/two_sisters_one_blonde_and_one_brunette_inherit/
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"Sorry," says the bartender, "I've run out of jokes. Besides, haven't you got this backwards?"

A punchline walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6exxux/sorry_says_the_bartender_ive_run_out_of_jokes/
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The Roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said, "Well, I doubt it. But I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
>Dear Mother,
>I'm not saying that you did or did not take the silver plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
>Love,
>Your son.
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
> Dear Son,
>I'm not saying that you do or do not sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.
>Love,
>Mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6exw3j/the_roommate/
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Cryptic Pun

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears:
Bump.... BUMP... BUMP....
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6exvrz/cryptic_pun/
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These two old boys, Levi and Cleetus, decided to go hunting.

Well, their hunt took them two or three ridges from home and before they knew it they had gotten themselves good and lost. After spending half the day trying to figure out which way was home, Levi, being the brighter of the two, says to his hunting companion, "Cleetus, I seem to recollect that if a feller finds hisself lost in the woods, he should sit still and fire three times into the air and folks will know he's lost and come and fetch him out of the woods." Well, Cleetus thought that was a good idea, so they found a spot to sit down and Levi fired three times into the air. They waited a spell and nobody showed up, so Levi fired three more times. This pattern continued for several hours, till after a while a concerned frown furrowed Levi's brow. "Cleetus, I surely do hope that someone shows up fairly soon. I've nearly run out of arrows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6exv4f/these_two_old_boys_levi_and_cleetus_decided_to_go/
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My girlfriend left me after I became blind

I cannot see her anymore...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6extla/my_girlfriend_left_me_after_i_became_blind/
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Why is Ricky the Robot a bad lover?

Shortly after he sticks it in, he nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6exnzt/why_is_ricky_the_robot_a_bad_lover/
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A scrawny guy get sent to jail...

He's put in his cell and his cellmate stands up.
And continues to stand up.  He keeps getting taller and wider, taller and wider.  He's massive...like a lineman ate a running back.  He leans over the scrawny guy and says...
"You know how this works?"
"No," the scrawny guy squeaks.
"This your first time in?"
"Yes," scrawny squeaks again.
"In each cell, there's a mommy and a daddy.  Since this your first time, I'll let you choose.  You wanna be mommy or daddy?"
"Daddy!" the scrawny guy screeches.
"All right," says the massive guy.  "All right, that's fine.  Now get over here and suck momma's dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6exjdl/a_scrawny_guy_get_sent_to_jail/
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I like my women like I like my covfefe

A mystery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6exgk3/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_covfefe/
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Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?

Because they're so full of mummies
(As told by "Jackie chan" while cooking my lunch on the hibachi grill)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6exg01/why_does_egypt_not_celebrate_fathers_day/
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I used to be sesquipedally loquacious

I got bullied because I couldn't even explain that that meant I was talking all the time with big and overly complicated words.
That's when the excrement made physical contact with a hydro-electric powered oscillating air current distribution device.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6exe54/i_used_to_be_sesquipedally_loquacious/
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The periodic table just got one block smaller

Scientists now say Plutonium is not a real element

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6excdg/the_periodic_table_just_got_one_block_smaller/
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Girls are evil...

(Saw this about 10 years ago)
If you have a girlfriend, then you know they cost time and money. Therefore:
Girls = time × money
But:
time = money
So:
Girls = money x money
Which means:
Girls = money^2
Now we all know that money is the root of all evil. So:
Money = sq.root(evil)
And now:
Girls = (sq.root (evil))^2
Which means:
Girls = Evil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ex9k3/girls_are_evil/
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Where does a king keep his armies?

In his sleeveies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ex82l/where_does_a_king_keep_his_armies/
%
Why did Janeen eat her test?

So she could pass it later...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ex7ix/why_did_janeen_eat_her_test/
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Woah, is Aquaman running after your gardener?

No, he's Jason Mamoa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ex6rx/woah_is_aquaman_running_after_your_gardener/
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"What do you know about vegan cookies?"

Just that they're only margarinely better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ex4yh/what_do_you_know_about_vegan_cookies/
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What do Donald Trump and Goldfish have in common?

They're both tasteless orange crackers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ewzwv/what_do_donald_trump_and_goldfish_have_in_common/
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How do you organize a space party?

You planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ewyu7/how_do_you_organize_a_space_party/
%
It's Friday, And I'm A Vampire.

Can't Wait To Have A Boy With The Cold Ones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ewyk0/its_friday_and_im_a_vampire/
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How bad does it hurt to get a finger cut off?

I'd say about a 9 out of 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ewwee/how_bad_does_it_hurt_to_get_a_finger_cut_off/
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"The lobotomy was a success!"

Tom said absentmindedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ewqrm/the_lobotomy_was_a_success/
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A pen maker's joke

I asked the ink drop why it looked so sad.
He said his mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long her sentence would be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ewpt7/a_pen_makers_joke/
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Why did the toucan stop using his phone?

He got a large bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ewmv2/why_did_the_toucan_stop_using_his_phone/
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I went out to dinner and a guy started choking..

So the guy he was with jumped up and said, "Does anyone know cpr?!"
So i said, "I know the whole alphabet!"
The entire restaurant laughed, except one asshole on the ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ewiz3/i_went_out_to_dinner_and_a_guy_started_choking/
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"Forget everything you learned in college...

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."
"But I never went to college."
"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ewht0/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college/
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How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?

Its when the blind try to read your face..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ewhk7/how_can_you_tell_you_have_a_really_bad_case_of/
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When Kathy Griffin was 10 years old, she stood up at the dinner table and announced to her family that she was going to grow up and become a stand-up comedian. They all laughed in her face.

No one is laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ewdz1/when_kathy_griffin_was_10_years_old_she_stood_up/
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Did you see how far that guy's head flew during the beheading?

"Ya what a show. I guess it really is all in the execution."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ewcs9/did_you_see_how_far_that_guys_head_flew_during/
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You know binary is actually pretty easy...

Easy as 1 10 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ewbg5/you_know_binary_is_actually_pretty_easy/
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What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?

Both demand you respect them, but don't want to follow the same rules as you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ew9w6/what_do_a_cyclist_and_a_politician_have_in_common/
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What did Saddam Hussein have in common with Little Miss Muffet?

They both had Kurds in their way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ew6hx/what_did_saddam_hussein_have_in_common_with/
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Sex is like math

I don't get it :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ew5rd/sex_is_like_math/
%
What do you call a candy store run by Isis?

The Allah Snackbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ew0mr/what_do_you_call_a_candy_store_run_by_isis/
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Secret Service Have Undergone New Training, Instead of "Get Down Mr. President!" it's...

"Donald, Duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6evu04/secret_service_have_undergone_new_training/
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3 sailors were stranded on a cannibal island.

When confronting the cannibals, the tribe leader told the sailors that they will be spared if they can find 10 fruits and bring them back for a challenge. So, all 3 sailors go out into the jungle to look for fruits.
The first sailor returns with 10 apples. The cannibals then tell him the challenge. Each sailor must stick all 10 fruits up their ass without making a sound. The sailor manages to stick 2 up his ass before he cries out in pain. So, the cannibals eat him.
The second sailor then returns with 10 grapes. Again, the cannibals tell him the challenge. As he is in the process of sticking the 9th grape up his ass, he burst into laughter, so the cannibals eat him.
Up in heaven, the first sailor asks the second sailor why he laughed when he almost got all 10 fruits up his ass. The second sailor replies, "Because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6evthr/3_sailors_were_stranded_on_a_cannibal_island/
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What do 1000 animated zombies eat?

Fraaaaaaames....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6evrw2/what_do_1000_animated_zombies_eat/
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How many chinese kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Depends on how many they can manufacture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6evrt7/how_many_chinese_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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There was three pilots...

Three WW2 pilots were shot down behind enemy lines and captured. They were sent to a POW camp to be executed.  They were lined up and the firing squad said "Ready, aim" and then the first pilot screamd
"Tornado" then the soldiers ran for cover. When thay found no tornado they lined back up.
"Ready aim" Then the second screeched "Bombing run" then the soldiers ran for cover. They then lined up again. "Ready aim" Then the third pilot knew what to do and screamed "FIRE".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6evrry/there_was_three_pilots/
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My Brother took going to jail really badly.

He refused food or drink.  He spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and started throwing things.
We never played Monopoly again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6evrcm/my_brother_took_going_to_jail_really_badly/
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Old timer

An old timer was out fishing one day and caught well over his limit before he even realized it and decided he better get on home.
As he was loading up his boat the game warden walked up and asked to see his catch. Realizing the gravity of the situation, he told the game warden he ended up not catching anything but his pet fish had a good swim.
Warden: Pet fish? What type of idiot do you think I am?
Old timer: It's true. I take em out once a day and let em swim in the lake. Once we're done, I whistle and they all come back.
Warden: You whistle and the fish come back? Bullshit.
Old timer: It's true, I'll show you.
So, the old timer gets his cooler, plumb full of fish, and opens it in the water. Of course all the fish swim out and are gone in seconds.
Warden: So, go ahead and whistle to get the fish back.
Old timer: What fish?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6evoza/old_timer/
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A Blind Professional Fisherman, Is Given the Honerary Title of "Master Baiter"

*He replies* : " It's easy. You just grab your worm, wrap it tight. Cast your pole, and just pray that you inevitably smell something fishy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6evnks/a_blind_professional_fisherman_is_given_the/
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Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6evnby/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
%
What did the homeless guy get for christmas?

Pretty hungry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6evl4q/what_did_the_homeless_guy_get_for_christmas/
%
A Duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich,
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .........
"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6evi8q/a_duck_walks_into_a_pub/
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What's forty feet long and smells like urine?

A conga line at a nursing home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6evheo/whats_forty_feet_long_and_smells_like_urine/
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It's funny how we all sleep differently...

I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody... That sort of thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6evh2c/its_funny_how_we_all_sleep_differently/
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What is a suicide bombers worst nightmare?

Pocket dials

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6evb13/what_is_a_suicide_bombers_worst_nightmare/
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Dj Khaled is like a Pokemon

All he does is shout his name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eva85/dj_khaled_is_like_a_pokemon/
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Pope in the aeroplane

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.
“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle.
Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’”
Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”
The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ev9yq/pope_in_the_aeroplane/
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Nun Vs. Vampire

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car you stupid cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ev8in/nun_vs_vampire/
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Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer...

there's nothing like popping open a cold one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ev6p5/necrophilia_is_a_lot_like_having_a_beer/
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Scientists have discovered a planet populated entirely by robots.

They call it Mars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ev6kz/scientists_have_discovered_a_planet_populated/
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An English soldier has returned from the frontlines in France

As the soldier gets on the train to London, he is very tired. He looks around for a free seat. He spots a women and her dog. "Excuse me, ma'am. May I have that seat? I am ever so tired." The women snorted, "You soldiers are very ignorant. My dog is more precious than your life." The soldier frowns then walks off, looking for another seat.
After a while, he returns to the women. He begs for the seat but the women still refuses. After a while, the soldier gets frustrated. He picks up the dog and throws her out the train window.
A passerby spots this. He walks over. "Blimey, your kind are quite stupid." The soldier asks, "How am I stupid?"
The passerby replies...
"You threw the wrong bitch out the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ev2st/an_english_soldier_has_returned_from_the/
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What did the Spanish teach say to the student that couldn't roll his "R"s?

Nothing, she just rolled her "I"s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6euzhu/what_did_the_spanish_teach_say_to_the_student/
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A company is like a huge tree, with monkeys on each branch

The people on the top look down and see nothing but smiling faces, and the people at the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6euzgt/a_company_is_like_a_huge_tree_with_monkeys_on/
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And now, two guys bonding over their star sign as well as a short summary of The Fault in out Stars

"Cancer?"
"Cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6euwys/and_now_two_guys_bonding_over_their_star_sign_as/
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What Do Sound Waves Say To Girls They Meet Online?

Send nodes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6euwiy/what_do_sound_waves_say_to_girls_they_meet_online/
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A man walks into a library asking for a book about how to commit suicide.

Librarian: Fuck off, you won't bring it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6euw5y/a_man_walks_into_a_library_asking_for_a_book/
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How do you make seven pounds of fat look attractive?

Put a nipple in the middle of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6euul6/how_do_you_make_seven_pounds_of_fat_look/
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What's the difference between a circus and a sorority house

A circus is a cunning array of stunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6euttm/whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a/
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The American flag used to be a symbol for freedom and liberty...

But now it means, "Oh yeah. This person is about to say some real dumb shit on Facebook".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eurad/the_american_flag_used_to_be_a_symbol_for_freedom/
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If Trump took part in a beauty peagent, he would be crowned Miss.....

..... interpretation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6euqhu/if_trump_took_part_in_a_beauty_peagent_he_would/
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Stalin calls a meeting in the Politburo

To hold a debate on wether there will be money in the Soviet Union. The two main factions, led by Trotsky and Bukharin, represent left- and right-wing views. Trotsky said, "We should absolutely abolish money, the state should be able to provide all of its citizens." Bukharin rises to speak, saying, "We must have money, as we shouldn’t run social experiments." In his synthetic, dialectical wisdom, Stalin says, "There will be and won’t be money." Everyone turns to look at him, quizzically. Someone finally speaks up, "How is this possible, comrade?" "Some people will have money, and others won’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eum7a/stalin_calls_a_meeting_in_the_politburo/
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What do you call a ward full of coma patients

A vegetable garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eukcc/what_do_you_call_a_ward_full_of_coma_patients/
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Life without farms.

The teacher asked "What sound do pigs make?"
Little Tyrone stood up and said
"FREEZE MOTHA FUCKER!"
I guess there's not many farms in Detroit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6euiog/life_without_farms/
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I enjoy going on dates with different women. It's a lot of fun

If only my wife was that interesting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6euiix/i_enjoy_going_on_dates_with_different_women_its_a/
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I decided to be naked in front of my dog for the first time today. He didn't even notice.

I'm pretty sure the vet did, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6euds5/i_decided_to_be_naked_in_front_of_my_dog_for_the/
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New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eucmv/new_years_resolution/
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They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...

Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eubf5/they_say_when_confronted_by_a_bear_the_best_thing/
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A joung Jew loved to read books

He loved to read so much that he read all of the books in the library in his town. So one day he went to a bookstore and asked if they had a book that he haven't read yet. An old Jew that worked there said yes and handed the boy a strange, covered in dust book titled "DEATH". He said to the boy:
"Here is the book that you've probably never heard of. I can sell it to you for $10 if you promise me to never, ever open it at the last page."
The boy agreed and bought the book. He read it and liked it very much, but, as promised, he didn't open it at the last page. One day he could bear it no longer and checked the last page. "Suggested Retail Price: $5".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eub00/a_joung_jew_loved_to_read_books/
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My mate Richard is 7 foot 1 inches.

He's a massive dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eu9dc/my_mate_richard_is_7_foot_1_inches/
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What's the difference between my penis and a joke?

Nobody laughs at my jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eu94y/whats_the_difference_between_my_penis_and_a_joke/
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Organic chemistry is difficult.

Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eu8do/organic_chemistry_is_difficult/
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My son said that he's proud of me overcoming alcoholism.

I'll drink to that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eu6dk/my_son_said_that_hes_proud_of_me_overcoming/
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What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a feather....Kinky is using the whole chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eu3ez/what_is_the_difference_between_erotic_and_kinky/
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A Fries Factory Burned Down

It burned down to a crisp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ety8t/a_fries_factory_burned_down/
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If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have?

Type 2 diabetes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ety3u/if_you_have_13_candy_bars_and_john_eats_9_what/
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A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe.

A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First, they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again"
Ninja Edit: fixed typos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6etxfy/a_mathematician_a_biologist_and_a_physicist_are/
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My mother-in-law fell down our well last week but she is fine

she stopped crying for help 2 days ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6etx5o/my_motherinlaw_fell_down_our_well_last_week_but/
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I asked my Dad if we can go to seaworld...

He said that only if we go to A-World or B-World first.
This actually happened haha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6etwqc/i_asked_my_dad_if_we_can_go_to_seaworld/
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Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classical Conditioning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6etwiy/why_was_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
%
My friend's bakery burned down

Now his business is toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6etu4s/my_friends_bakery_burned_down/
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How do you kill an Indian vampire?

With a steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6etu26/how_do_you_kill_an_indian_vampire/
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...

... does that mean that one enjoys it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ettkx/if_4_out_of_5_people_suffer_from_diarrhea/
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A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette.

The egg says to herself, "I guess we answered that question."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6etp6w/a_chicken_and_egg_are_lying_in_bed_the_chicken_is/
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How does a Ham Radio buff send a break-up message?

Remorse Code

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6etlia/how_does_a_ham_radio_buff_send_a_breakup_message/
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If you have 12 apples and your friend takes 6 what do you have?

A Friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6etkrl/if_you_have_12_apples_and_your_friend_takes_6/
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An elderly man is having trouble keeping his balance on the bus

His cane is slipping on the floor. On every turn of the bus, he loses his balance and barely escapes danger of falling. So he starts looking around if someone will give him their seat.
A sitting rebellious type youngster patronizes him: "Hey old man, if you put some rubber on the tip of your cane, you wouldn't have this much trouble."
The old man replies: "Boy, I would be sitting down on this bus if only your father put on that rubber"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6etk3w/an_elderly_man_is_having_trouble_keeping_his/
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I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6etit0/i_have_an_epipen/
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An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.…

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently." she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eti70/an_older_couple_who_were_both_widowed_had_been/
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My wife started crying when I asked her for a handjob

Guess its really insensitive to ask an amputee that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6et9qr/my_wife_started_crying_when_i_asked_her_for_a/
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If minecraft taught me one thing...

It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6et9i2/if_minecraft_taught_me_one_thing/
%
What do a dead dog and a dead tree have in common?

No more bark :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6et74l/what_do_a_dead_dog_and_a_dead_tree_have_in_common/
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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6et6z3/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_in_suspense/
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Two hunters...

..went to a forest to hunt a tiger. They waited on a tree for hours, the tiger didn't show up. They felt the need to take a dump, but fearing the tiger they hatched a plan - they would sit back to back to each other to take the dump so that they would be able to see the tiger if it approaches from either side.
After a while they hear a roar, but can't spot the tiger. One guy asks the other - 'are you scared?'. Other says 'No'. The first guys says again - 'admit you're scared'. Second guy says, 'no, I am not scared, would you just shut up?' First guy yells 'then why are you wiping my ass?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6et3hh/two_hunters/
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I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining..

Took me hours to finish my meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6et01r/i_was_eating_soup_one_day_outside_my_favorite/
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Bell Ringer Wanted

A beautiful, old church with a tell steeple and bell tower was in need of someone to ring the bell every hour as he priest was getting too old to climb the stairs.
The priest put out a sign asking for someone to fill the position and an hour later, he hears three slow thuds on the front door. The priest opens the door to find an armless man standing there. "Father," he said, "I am here about the open position, it had always been my dream job to ring the bell in this church".
The priest figures he will let the man audition, so they walk to the top of the steeple where the large bell resides. Te priest tells the man to go ahead and ring the bell, not sure how he will be able to pull the cord without any arms.
The man takes a few steps back, then runs and jumps face first at the bell. The bell lets out an amazing ring. Unfortunately, the man, disoriented, tumbled down the staircase, breaking his neck and dying instantly.
The police arrive to investigate the man's death. The priest asks one of the policemen "Do you know this man?" The police officer responds "No, Father, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6esytw/bell_ringer_wanted/
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What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot during cell division?

Ouch, mitosis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6esxne/what_did_the_cell_say_when_his_sister_stepped_on/
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I was given MDMA and LSD tonight...

What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6essa7/i_was_given_mdma_and_lsd_tonight/
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Why are banknote printing machines absurd?

Because they make no cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6esleo/why_are_banknote_printing_machines_absurd/
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Did you hear the one about the blind guy that went skydiving?

Scared the hell out of his dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6esgud/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_blind_guy_that/
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Why aren't there any WalMarts in Afghanistan?

There's a Target on every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6esf37/why_arent_there_any_walmarts_in_afghanistan/
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[NSFW] Two old men are talking at home

The first asks the other, "What ever happened to that streaking trend?" The other man looks confused "What was that?" "It was when people would take off their clothes and run through the streets."  "That sounds great I think I'll do that now." At 90 years he undressed and took off down the street and he passes two elderly women. "What was that?" The first yelps. "I don't know." The second replies, "but whatever it was, it needs ironing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6esbkv/nsfw_two_old_men_are_talking_at_home/
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How much alcohol did Charlie Sheen drink?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6esbfl/how_much_alcohol_did_charlie_sheen_drink/
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My wife stuck her finger right in the container of icing so I started bitching...

She said the only people that are going to eat this icing are in this house. And everyone in this house either came out of me or came in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6esbce/my_wife_stuck_her_finger_right_in_the_container/
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I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers.

I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not being asked to leave.
“Because he hasn’t shat himself,” was the reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6esb0c/i_was_asked_to_leave_the_local_swimming_pool/
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If there are so many ways of self-deprecating,

why am I so shit at it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6esawp/if_there_are_so_many_ways_of_selfdeprecating/
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I'm gonna name my first born son "Phones"

So when the stewardess asks if he "would like some headphones" he can answer "Absolutely!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6es7l8/im_gonna_name_my_first_born_son_phones/
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What do you get if you cross Human DNA and Panda DNA?

Banned from the zoo. Trust me, I found out the hard way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6es5hp/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_human_dna_and_panda/
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What kind of bees make you sleepy?

Cos-bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6es54u/what_kind_of_bees_make_you_sleepy/
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Man find's a genie

The genie tells him that he will be granted three wishes, but there is a catch. Anything that he gets from these three wishes, his ex-wife is given double.
The man is stoked that he can now get anything he wants, but pretty upset that his ex-wife will get twice as much as he does. He proceeds to make his three wishes anyway.
He says, "For my first wish, I wish to have 100 billion dollars in my bank account. With that much wealth, I can live my entire life in luxury."
"Done, the money is in your bank account now" the genie replies, "However, your ex-wife is now 200 billion dollars richer."
Frustrated, the man thinks for a while then says, "I wish to be the best golfer in the world. I love golfing, but I've never been all that great and this will provide me with joy for years."
The genie responds, "I can only partially grant that wish. You are technically the second best golfer in the world, since your ex-wife is now twice as good as you are."
The man is very upset with how he has used his first two wishes at this point. Having these things is great, but knowing that someone he hates as much as his ex-wife is benefiting even more than he is ruins the joy of it all. He takes a good long time to think of his last wish, and finally comes up with a perfect one.
With a huge grin on his face he turns to the genie and says, "With my third and final wish, I wish for you to beat me half to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6es3xu/man_finds_a_genie/
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My grandpa told me this joke

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9x7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "
"What is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
The boy explains, "Well, we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my dick!?'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?"
"No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I asked!" said the boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6es15y/my_grandpa_told_me_this_joke/
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So Tim is interviewing for a job.

"I will need you to take a test before I hire you." Says the man. "You have to shoot 5 black men and a bunny"
"Why the bunny" asks Tim?
"Your hired"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6es0w1/so_tim_is_interviewing_for_a_job/
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Did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?

All that was left was de Brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6erypa/did_you_hear_about_the_explosion_in_the_cheese/
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Four students are asked what they wanted to be when they grew up

1st student: I want to be a teacher, so I can teach my fellow countrymen
2nd student: I want to be a doctor, so I can cure my fellow countrymen
3rd student: I want to be a lawyer, so I can protect my fellow countrymen
4th student: I want to be a countryman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6erx3x/four_students_are_asked_what_they_wanted_to_be/
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0-100 real quick

So the wife is extremely angry at the husband for forgetting their anniversary. She yells at him,"I BETTER SEE SOMETHING IN THE DRIVEWAY THAT GOES FROM 0-300 IN 6 SECONDS" and storms off. The next day when she wakes up, she finds a giant box in the driveway. She gets dressed and goes to the driveway to investigate. When she opens it she finds a bathroom scale...﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ervpk/0100_real_quick/
%
All the kids used to laugh at Amy Schumer when she said she wanted to be a comedian when she grew up.

Nobody is laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6erusd/all_the_kids_used_to_laugh_at_amy_schumer_when/
%
Liberals think that Trump doesn't like the planet

well then why's he trying to fuck it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ertmx/liberals_think_that_trump_doesnt_like_the_planet/
%
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ernc6/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.
Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "sshhhh. They're about to land!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6erdzh/a_farmer_buys_a_young_cock/
%
What's Jesus' favorite gun?

A nail gun.
Because he's a carpenter, you asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6erdr6/whats_jesus_favorite_gun/
%
One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, and gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6era90/one_day_ill_pretend_to_be_gay_ill_make_lots_of/
%
I set up a Facebook page for Chinese Nazi's

It got 3 Reich's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6er8eq/i_set_up_a_facebook_page_for_chinese_nazis/
%
My Ex-Wife Still Misses Me...

But her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6er74e/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
%
My parents treat me like a god

they forget I exist until they want me to do something for them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6er73g/my_parents_treat_me_like_a_god/
%
The pessimist sees a dark, dark tunnel.

The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees TWO lights at the end of the tunnel, and the engineer sees a bunch of idiots standing on the tracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6er6fx/the_pessimist_sees_a_dark_dark_tunnel/
%
Have you heard they have slashed production of many office supply items.

Especially metre rulers, they won't be making them any longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6er572/have_you_heard_they_have_slashed_production_of/
%
Sex is not the answer.

Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6er51y/sex_is_not_the_answer/
%
Two radio antennas got married

The wedding wasn't much but the reception was excellent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6er16e/two_radio_antennas_got_married/
%
I'm going to go out of this world the same way I came in.

Screaming and covered in gore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eqw1d/im_going_to_go_out_of_this_world_the_same_way_i/
%
A man's entire family was killed by a masked dolphin...

He set off on a quest for vengeance. He searched high and low for the identity of the masked dolphin. He traveled the world, asking dolphin Gurus and dolphin historians. He searched for ten years before he found his first clue.
In a shallow pool at the top of a tall mountain he found a dolphin deep in meditation.
"Wisest of dolphins! I seek your dolphin wisdom! Where is the masked dolphin that murdered my family?"
"What you seek is in the asking well. Go to the asking well, ask your question, and you will find your answer. You only get the one question so make sure it's good." the mysterious dolphin responded, mysteriously.
He left on a new quest, looking for the asking well. He found many wells that were, well, wrong. There was a well of knowledge that was wrong. There was a well of power that was wrong. The fountain of youth wasn't even a well so he was pissed off when he found that too.
Finally, another decade later, he found the Well of Asking.
Inside the Well of Asking he found not a dolphin but a porpoise. He was quite a dolphin expert at this point so he instantly recognized that it wasn't a dolphin.
"Porpoise of the well, where is the dolphin that killed my family?"
"If and only if you defeat me in armed combat will I reveal the answer to the question you ask."
So they dueled with swords. The porpoise's footwork was exceptional but the man had been wandering the world for two decades and there wasn't much to do when you're walking for two decades but practice your vengeancing.
He skewered the porpoise after a long and bloody fight and it fell back into the Well. He asked it again:
"Where is the dolphin that killed my family?"
The porpoise, with its dying breath, responded.
"You're asking the wrong question. It wasn't a dolphin that killed your family. Maybe if you had phrased your question better you would have gotten a better answer you idiot."
The porpoise expired without answering the second question the man thought up much later. It would have been a much better question to ask. He never found his vengeance but did later remarry, gaining several stepchildren that called him by his first name.
The real murderer, between you and me, was the porpoise from the well. The man asked the wrong question but by winning the fight he defeated the Porpoise of Asking anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6equjq/a_mans_entire_family_was_killed_by_a_masked/
%
What type of salad does an epileptic eat?

A seizure salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eqrfb/what_type_of_salad_does_an_epileptic_eat/
%
Love is like a fart

. If you have to force it it’s probably sh*t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eqqrm/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
I killed four people by looking them yesterday.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eqo5l/i_killed_four_people_by_looking_them_yesterday/
%
If a deaf person gives a hand-job...

Is it considered oral?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eqo0m/if_a_deaf_person_gives_a_handjob/
%
The magic drink.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son only has a head. The dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully telling the son he is proud of him and orders up a pint of guinness for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. As if by magic, a torso pops out! The whole place is silent, then suddenly everyone bursts into huge cry of joy.  shocked, the father begs his son to drink again.
Everyone starts to chant "drink! Drink! drink"! The bartender shakes his head as he watches. As if by magic, two arms pop out! Everyone goes wild. The father, crying and cheering, begs his son to drink again. The room cries for more: "drink again" with the bartender trying to ignore the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting lightheaded already, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and gulps the last of it. Again, as magic, two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the right... then to the left... then through the front door and into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father screams in grief and agony.
The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eqm8j/the_magic_drink/
%
Three men arrive in heaven..

Three men arrive in heaven at the same time and St. Peter comes out to greet them.
"Sorry about this guys" St Peter says, "God didn't realise how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if i think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."
He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bookish sort with a bad business suit and says, "Tell me your story"
"Okay" says the man, "I thought I had a wonderful life. I had a beautiful wife and we had a lovely place on the 34th floor of an apartment building. I came home from work early today, and I saw my beautiful wife sleeping in bed naked with another man's clothes on the floor. So of course I started looking for the bastard who slept with my wife."
"Like I said, I lived in an apartment. There weren't that many places to hide, but I couldn't find him anywhere. Just when I was about to go confront my wife, I see him. The bastard was hiding outside the window, holding onto the window sill. I go up to him and I started stomping on his hands over and over again but he wouldn't let go. I finally kicked him in the face and he fell. Unfortunately he landed on a bush and he bounced to safety. In my anger, I grabbed my refrigerator and I threw it out after him. However, the cord from the refrigerator wrapped around my leg and pulled me to my death."
St Peter nods and says , "You're story is acceptable, welcome to heaven" He goes to the second man, a brawny working man type, and says, "Whats your story?"
"I'm a window washer." Says the man, "I've been a window washer for over 20 years. Well today, I'm washing the 35th floor of an apartment complex when my scaffolding breaks. I thought I was going to die, but I manage to catch myself on the windowsill of the story below. Then all of a sudden this maniac comes out and starts mashing my fingers. I try my best to hold on, but he kicks me in the face and I fall. Once again, I thought I was going to die, but I land on this hedge and bounce away no worse for the wear. I look up and BOOM. Dead. Last thing I saw was a refrigerator."
St Peter holds back a chuckle then lets him into heaven. He goes to the third man, a ridiculously handsome fellow with sandy blonds hair, and asks, "What's your story?"
"Alright." Says the man, "Picture this, You just finished banging some dudes wife. He comes home. You hide in the refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eqifv/three_men_arrive_in_heaven/
%
The White House informs its supporters it is pulling out of the Paris accord.

It was the most difficult 4 phone calls they ever made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eqg0r/the_white_house_informs_its_supporters_it_is/
%
Immigration to the US is a good thing.

Everytime someone moves to the US from their home country, the average IQs of both nations go up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eq9gn/immigration_to_the_us_is_a_good_thing/
%
What do Donald Trump and his father have in common?

They both have shitty judgment when it comes to pulling out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eq9cj/what_do_donald_trump_and_his_father_have_in_common/
%
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eq9b5/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
%
I hate when people confuse "you're" and "your"

There all idiots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eq943/i_hate_when_people_confuse_youre_and_your/
%
70% of people don't get enough fiber in their diet.

Tough shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eq4qu/70_of_people_dont_get_enough_fiber_in_their_diet/
%
They should change the name of The Paris Agreement to "The Weekend Golfing Trip."

Trump would never pull out of that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eq1xw/they_should_change_the_name_of_the_paris/
%
Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic.

But the cop didn't think so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eq1gc/putting_your_finger_on_someones_lips_and_saying/
%
American Exceptionalism

Noun. When every country in the world decides to do something good, *except America*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6epzso/american_exceptionalism/
%
A woman boarded a bus carrying her baby.

"Ugh," said the bus driver. "That is the *ugliest* baby I have ever seen." Furious, the woman stormed down the aisle and took a seat.
"What's wrong, lady?" Asked the man next to her.
"That driver just insulted me!"
"Well you go up there and you tell him off! Here - I'll hold your monkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6epxgm/a_woman_boarded_a_bus_carrying_her_baby/
%
A shepard asks his dog

To count the sheep on his farm
The dog goes to count the sheep an comes back
The shepard asked how many sheep do i have?
The dog says 40
The shepard thinks " wait a minute i only had 38 how could that be.
The dog said
" i rounded them up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6epwal/a_shepard_asks_his_dog/
%
What's the difference between Jack Daniels and John Wayne?

Jack Daniels is still killing Native Americans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6epw59/whats_the_difference_between_jack_daniels_and/
%
A man was accused of beating his wife to death... [long]

A man is in court.
Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect
any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you better give us a plausible reason."
Man: Well it happened like this. We live in this apartment complex and the
property manager lives in the first floor with his family. The kids all have a
growth deficiency.
So one day, my wife comes up and says: Those little kids, they look like pyrenees.
So I say: You mean pygmy.
"No", says my wife. Pygmy is what you have under your skin, it causes freckles.
"That's pigment", I say.
So she says "No, pigment is what the ancient Romans were writing on."
I sigh and say: "No, that's parchment!".
"No", says she, "parchment is an unfinished sentence".
"Your honor, you can imagine, I swallowed the 'fragment', I got back to my armchair
and my newspaper. But then suddenly she's back with a book, and she says:
"Honey, check out this weird sentence, it says: 'The sun roof of the purse was
the teacher of pimp fifteen".
I take the book and say, "but honey, this is in French. It says 'La Marquise
de Pompadour est la Maitresse de Lois XV.' It means 'The marquise of Pompadour
was the lover of Louis the 15th'"
"No!", says my wife, "you have to translate it literally:"
La Marquise - the sunroof. Pompadour - the purse. La Maitresse - the teacher,
Louis XV - pimp 15. I should know, I got a legionnaire for my french lessons.
I say: "You mean a lector".
"No", says my wife, "Lector was an ancient Greek hero."
I say: "That was Hector, and he was a Trojan."
"Nope", says she, "Hector is a measure of area."
"That'd be hectare"
"No! Hectare is the drink of the gods!"
"That'd be nectar".
"No", says she, "the Nectar is a river in southern Germany."
So I say: "That's the Neckar."
She says: "No, I must know, there's even a song about it. I recently sung it
in a duo with my friend"
I say: "It's a duet"
She replies, "No, that's when two men are fighting with a saber."
"That's a duel", I say.
"No, a duel is where a railway goes through a mountain!"
Well, your honor, so I took a hammer and beat her to death...
There was a long silence, shocked faces. Finally the judge says: Not guilty.
I would have killed her at "Hector".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6epuez/a_man_was_accused_of_beating_his_wife_to_death/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

With a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6epizp/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_cactus/
%
Four wealthy gentlemen are sitting at a lounge, discussing the pride they feel for their own sons.

The first man exclaims.. "I am very proud of my son, he started at a law firm from the bottom working as a mail boy. Through hard work and dedication, he now owns the firm! He is so rich, he bought his friend a brand new Mercedes!
The second man responds.. "That is very nice, however, my son started a networking business and is currently in possession of over 50 software patents. He is so rich, he bought his friend a brand new private jet!
The third man proclaims.. "I'm sure you are all very proud, but I am the most proud, for my son became the CEO of an entire energy empire. His efforts fuel the entire nation. He is so rich, he bought his friend a brand new 40,000 square foot mansion!
The three men applaud each other and look towards the fourth man. "What of your son?" They ask..
The fourth man responds... "My son works at a gay strip club, he is very happy and loves his job"
The other three men look to each other awkwardly.
The first man speaks out.. "um..a gay strip club? aren't you ashamed of your son?"
The fourth man replies.. "Not at all, my son does very well for himself. Just recently he was gifted a new Mercedes, a Private jet, and a new Mansion all from his three best customers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6epho5/four_wealthy_gentlemen_are_sitting_at_a_lounge/
%
To the man on crutches and wearing camouflage clothing, who stole my wallet earlier:

You can hide, but you can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6epfz4/to_the_man_on_crutches_and_wearing_camouflage/
%
What do you do if an Islamic dog bites you?

Musl-im

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6epffk/what_do_you_do_if_an_islamic_dog_bites_you/
%
Trump pulls out of Paris.

Probably for the best... can you imagine how narcissistic that kid would be?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6epe75/trump_pulls_out_of_paris/
%
I didn't vaccinate any of my kids and none of them got autism.

None of them lived past the age of 2, but that's beside the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6epe09/i_didnt_vaccinate_any_of_my_kids_and_none_of_them/
%
There's been a plane crash

The police show up at one of the victims doors;
Wife: Hello, do you have any news on my husband?
Police: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid we have some good news and some bad news concerning your husband.
Wife: Well tell me the good news first, I need something to raise my spirits.
Police: Well ma'am, the good news is, despite your husband being burned to a cinder, we were able to identify your husband by his dental records.
Wife: Sweet merciful! Well what on earth is the bad news?
Police: He's got a pretty nasty cavity in his upper molar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6epdqf/theres_been_a_plane_crash/
%
You know how there's a theory that no two people see colour the exact same way, does that mean colour is like...

... a pigment of your imagination?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6epaf7/you_know_how_theres_a_theory_that_no_two_people/
%
{NSFW} Threw a surprise Bukakke party for my girlfriend.

Everybody came. You should have seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ep6lh/nsfw_threw_a_surprise_bukakke_party_for_my/
%
What does Albert Einstein say after sex?

To YOU that was fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eozf4/what_does_albert_einstein_say_after_sex/
%
Two engineering students are walking through campus

One pushing a bike. The second asks "Where'd you get such a great bike?"
The first engineer replies, "Well, I was walking along the other day, just minding my own business, when a gorgeous girl rode up to me on her bike, threw it to the ground, stripped off all her clothes and said 'Take whatever you want!'"
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eoysw/two_engineering_students_are_walking_through/
%
My fat friend told me I have OCD.

I told him he had OBCD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eox1p/my_fat_friend_told_me_i_have_ocd/
%
Why won't Trump be impeached?

Republicans like to see a child carried to full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eou6d/why_wont_trump_be_impeached/
%
Why did Cruella De Vil become a scientist?

Because she wanted to wear a lab coat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eotba/why_did_cruella_de_vil_become_a_scientist/
%
Why does the Leaning Tower of Pisa lean?

Because it's Italic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eot4d/why_does_the_leaning_tower_of_pisa_lean/
%
A buddy and I were thinking of starting a band called 'Yard Sale'.

Just think of all the free publicity posters!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eomyx/a_buddy_and_i_were_thinking_of_starting_a_band/
%
What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eom7j/whats_brown_and_runny/
%
A Chinese Doctor and a Lawyer

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eol29/a_chinese_doctor_and_a_lawyer/
%
At the gates of heaven

3 men are at the gates of Heaven, Peter says, "It's getting pretty full in here, so the one with the worst story of how he died will get in." The first guy starts he says, " I was doing naked yoga on my balcony, I live on the 27th floor, and I slipped over the balcony, I only fell 1 floor down and caught the balcony floor of the floor below me, this crazy guy came out and started yelling at me and stomped on my hands till I fell, luckily I fell into a huge bush on the main floor that cushioned my fall, I look up and see a fridge falling, and it crushed me"
The second guy starts "I came home early for lunch, I just knew my wife was cheating, I take the elevator up, and burst into the bedroom and see men's clothes on the floor and wife naked in the bed, where is he? I screamed WHERE IS HE?!?!? I looked all around the place and found the bastard hanging on my balcony, i stomped on his finger till he fell, he landed in a bush, I unplugged the fridge and threw it down on him, after i realized I killed him, i felt terrible, pulled out my gun, and shot myself.
The third guy says "OK, so have you ever been naked in a refrigerator?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eoiaw/at_the_gates_of_heaven/
%
A little boy and his dad...

A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!" Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eohxa/a_little_boy_and_his_dad/
%
Whats worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eog81/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
"Do you love me, Donald?" asked Melania.

"Covfefe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eog1i/do_you_love_me_donald_asked_melania/
%
Little Johnny is fishing with his grandpa...

Grandpa cracks open a beer.
"Can I have a sip of that"? asks Johnny.
"Can your dick touch your asshole"? replies Grandpa.
"Well, No" answers Johnny.
"Then NO" says Grandpa.
Some time goes by and Grandpa lights up a cigarette.
"Can I try that"? asks little Johnny.
"Can your dick touch your asshole"? replies Grandpa.
"No" replies Johnny reluctantly.
"Then no again Johnny" says Grandpa.
A bit more time passes and little Johnny reaches into the lunchbag his mother sent with him and takes out a sandwich.
Grandpa look at the sandwich wide eyed and says to little Johnny,
"Let your old grandpa have half of that there sandwich."
Little Johnny says confidently, "Can your dick touch your asshole"?
"As a matter of fact it can." Replies Grandpa.
Little Johnny smiles and says, "Then go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eobuz/little_johnny_is_fishing_with_his_grandpa/
%
Police arrested 2 kids today

One was drinking battery acid, the other other was eating fireworks.
They charged one- and let the other one off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eo3d7/police_arrested_2_kids_today/
%
Not from our village

A warlord and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..
Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic warlord decides to play a game..
He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..
He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after examining the penis of the men standing in the line..
If she points to a wrong man,then she and her husband will be executed.
The first woman nervously stepped out and she kept touching the penises until she found her husbands and declared it.... The warlord was disappointed that she succeeded.
Then the second woman came forward. She was so nervous that she kept touching each penis for a long time and kept thinking for a while before rejecting them. She too recognized her husband's penis.
Now the warlord got really angry. So he asks some of his soldiers to stand in the line posing as villagers to confuse them.
The third woman started. She hardly took more than few seconds for each penis while thinking out loud "Not him" "Not him either"..
This continued until she touched a soldier's penis. She stopped for a while and thought really hard
"Not from our village" she muttered and moved on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eo2cu/not_from_our_village/
%
What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?

Your mum can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6enzqb/whats_the_difference_between_3_cocks_and_a_joke/
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Whay doesn't McCree eat at lunch buffets?

It's high noon, and Justice ain't gonna serve itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6enza1/whay_doesnt_mccree_eat_at_lunch_buffets/
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What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest?

A black man in America finally survived a traffic stop. Progress!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6enx61/what_is_the_best_thing_about_tiger_woods_arrest/
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Tampons are only for rich girls...

..because they're stuck up cunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6entp8/tampons_are_only_for_rich_girls/
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How does a nun get laid?

She dresses up like an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6entbn/how_does_a_nun_get_laid/
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A farmer's 3 daughters are going on a date

A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.
The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
Is she ready to go?"
The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.
The second man to show up says,
"Hello, I'm Eddy.
I'm looking for Betty.
We're gonna go eat some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go.
The third man rings the doorbell says,
"Hey, my name's Chuck."
And the farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6enpt9/a_farmers_3_daughters_are_going_on_a_date/
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[Long] An FBI agent pulls up to a farm...

An FBI agent pulls up to a farm and tells the farmer there that he's conducting a search warrant on the premises that there has been illegal activity reported at the farm.
The farmer looks at the warrant and tells the FBI officer to proceed. After looking around for a while the FBI points out to a field across a meadow and tells the farmer that he wants to search there. The farmer warns the FBI agent that it's not a good idea to do that, to which the agent pulls his badge and tells the farmer, 'This badge and this warrant gives me permission to search any place on this property.' With that the FBI agent takes off across the meadow, out into the field.
A few minutes go by and the farmer hears the agent screaming as he runs across the field towards the meadow with a huge angry bull in pursuit. The agent is screaming for help. The farmer smiles
and calls out to the FBI agent,'Show him your badge and warrant!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6enovh/long_an_fbi_agent_pulls_up_to_a_farm/
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I was about to propose to my girlfriend when...

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph bursted into the room. He stumbled and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. I didn't know Joseph that well, didn't even know where he was from, but I cared for him enough to put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with a big cotton pad on his eye for a couple of months. Then, suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'd been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6enoi5/i_was_about_to_propose_to_my_girlfriend_when/
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I was buying a house from a Native American the other day

I asked him if it came with running water,
He said 'get your own damn wife'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6enoe1/i_was_buying_a_house_from_a_native_american_the/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel for a belt buckle

Bar tender says "I like the belt buckle"
Pirate replies "Arrgh, it's drivin me nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6enk7y/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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What is E.T. short for?

Because he has little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6enhou/what_is_et_short_for/
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A house isn't a home without you...

It's a hose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eng90/a_house_isnt_a_home_without_you/
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All women want is one thing..

And us guys still have no idea what the hell it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6endjh/all_women_want_is_one_thing/
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I was sat on bus the other day...

And I tapped a woman on the shoulder and said 'excuse me I think you have some semen on the back of your jacket'
She said 'oh it's probably yoghurt'
'It's definitely semen,' I said, 'I don't ejaculate yoghurt'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6enc68/i_was_sat_on_bus_the_other_day/
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What did silver say to gold?

Au, get over here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ena6x/what_did_silver_say_to_gold/
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Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him

So he tracked down nothing and killed it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6en9j7/chuck_norris_once_heard_that_nothing_can_kill_him/
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A guy was walking to a bar

... and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6en8xz/a_guy_was_walking_to_a_bar/
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A man and his husband walk into a local church...

A man and his husband walk into a local church, holding hands and being affectionate during the entire ceremony, to the ire of one of the elderly choir women.
Once it has finished, she approaches the two men and quotes from the bible:
>"Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men will inherit the kingdom of God"
The man, taken aback, retorts with:
>"Women are to be silent in the churches. They are not permitted to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6en8bf/a_man_and_his_husband_walk_into_a_local_church/
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Boob itch

A boyfriend walks in on his girlfriend scratching her breast. Delighted that he caught a glimpse of such a rare occurrence, he cries, "Boob itch!"
His girlfriend turns to him, slaps him in the face, and says, "Don't call me that! And you didn't scare me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6en7er/boob_itch/
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring

The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6en5w9/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food_coloring/
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The Balloon family.

Daddy balloon decided one day to tell his baby balloon son, that he now had to sleep in his own bed. The son gets upset as he likes to share his parents bed. That night, the son wakes up and decides to climb back into bed with his mum and dad.
He finds there is no room, so he unties his fathers knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mothers knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. he still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with his parents.
The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He says "son, I am really disapointed with you, I told you, you can't sleep with us. You've let me down, you've let your mother down, and worst of all, you've let yourself down too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6en5q9/the_balloon_family/
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Machetes are extremely tech savvy

They can hack anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6en3ok/machetes_are_extremely_tech_savvy/
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A friend got arrested for DUI [LONG]

My friend told me he got arrested for DUI. And I asked how that was possible because he never had a drink in his life. This is what he told me:
So I'm driving along and there is a police car and they stop me. The police officer asks me to step out of the car: "sir did you have anything to drink?" My friend denied and the police started a test with him:" so it is dark. You are looking down the street. There are two lights coming towards you. What is it?" My friend:" a car! Obviously! Police:" yeah but kind of car? A Mercedes, a Ferrari or a ford?" Friend:"how should I know?" To which the police responded:" see you are drunk!" My friend responded:" that's preposterous! Do another test!" The police continues: "ok, so it's dark, and you look down the street. There is one light coming towards you. What is it?" My friend: "yeah obviously a motorcycle." Police:"what kind of motorcycle? A BMW, a Yamaha or a Suzuki?" My friend slightly agitated: "how should I know?" The police replied:" see you are drunk!" My friend:" that's ridiculous. I think you are drunk. Let me do a test with you! It's dark. You are driving down a road. And there is a woman wearing a short mini skirt, lots of lipstick and her boobs hanging out. What is it?" The police officer replies:"that's easy. It's a hooker!" My friend: "yeah, but what kind of Hooker? Your mom, your daughter or your wife?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emzhj/a_friend_got_arrested_for_dui_long/
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What are porn stars paid?

Income

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emtwr/what_are_porn_stars_paid/
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I went to the doctor after I swallowed a roll of film

He said we should wait and see if anything develops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emssx/i_went_to_the_doctor_after_i_swallowed_a_roll_of/
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I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"

..."Well Im your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emovn/i_went_for_a_job_interview_today_and_the_manager/
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Why do French people eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emoek/why_do_french_people_eat_snails/
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Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emmtu/why_do_engineers_confuse_halloween_and_christmas/
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Play wrestling that turns into sex,

is the reason i hate wrestling with my dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emlz6/play_wrestling_that_turns_into_sex/
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A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China.

He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emlh2/a_guy_at_work_went_in_for_a_competition_and_won_a/
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What is the difference between a suicide vest and a feminist?

a suicide vest actually accomplishes something when triggered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emlcc/what_is_the_difference_between_a_suicide_vest_and/
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My wife was feeling down...

So i pulled a piece of pasta from my pocket, handed it to her, and asked "penne for your thoughts?" Now I'm divorced and without a home for telling a fusili pasta jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eml34/my_wife_was_feeling_down/
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Do you have a fear of stalkers?

You are not alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emjka/do_you_have_a_fear_of_stalkers/
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A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time...

and introduces her to his parents.
"This is Amanda"
His dad jumps up and says,
"It's a fucking what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emhmw/a_glaswegian_lad_takes_his_girlfriend_home_for/
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How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two, but you have to have a pretty big light bulb for them to fit in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emgdv/how_many_teenagers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I hate Russian dolls

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emezz/i_hate_russian_dolls/
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My favourite joke

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.
The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emdnp/my_favourite_joke/
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Earbuds.

You can use them for music, but they'd rather knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6emcsd/earbuds/
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[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6embph/nsfw_whenever_i_have_sex_its_a_race_to_see_who/
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What do belts and woman have in common?

It gets tight when you get into the wrong hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6em554/what_do_belts_and_woman_have_in_common/
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What do you have when you're holding two fuzzy green balls?

Kermit's undivided attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6em3ns/what_do_you_have_when_youre_holding_two_fuzzy/
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What did the father say when he was killing his kid with a vacuum?

Dyson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6em04y/what_did_the_father_say_when_he_was_killing_his/
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Redneck DUI

A routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’
“I doubt it”, said the truly proud Redneck. ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6elz7f/redneck_dui/
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If procrastination were an olympic sport

I'd compete in it later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6elyo4/if_procrastination_were_an_olympic_sport/
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What is the difference between a Pakistani School and a ISIS Trainingscamp?

I have no idea I'm only flying the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6elygy/what_is_the_difference_between_a_pakistani_school/
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My friend admitted to steroid use.

It takes a big man to do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ely5m/my_friend_admitted_to_steroid_use/
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PMS is not a joking matter:

#PERIOD!
.
Bloody hell, I did it again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6elx8l/pms_is_not_a_joking_matter/
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How do you call a bunch of dwarfs on a merry-go-round?

A midget spinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6elx3d/how_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_dwarfs_on_a/
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It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue…

Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.
Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6elv6u/its_1957_and_bobby_goes_to_pick_up_his_date_peggy/
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What fish is made of 2 sodium atoms?

2Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eltkn/what_fish_is_made_of_2_sodium_atoms/
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Protip: If you stir some coconut oil into your kale

It makes it easier to scrape into the trash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6elryc/protip_if_you_stir_some_coconut_oil_into_your_kale/
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Have you ever been to the Braille superstore?

They've got products you've never seen before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6elomb/have_you_ever_been_to_the_braille_superstore/
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I just won a farting contest.

The judges were blown away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6elobd/i_just_won_a_farting_contest/
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If you ever stick your dick inside a peanut butter jar...

You're fucking nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ellgc/if_you_ever_stick_your_dick_inside_a_peanut/
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Why did the cucumber blush?

It saw the salad dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6elfzh/why_did_the_cucumber_blush/
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Manliest man ever contest

Three men joined the Manliest Man Ever contest, the one who passed 3 rooms will get the award:
- First room: 10 barrels of best wine
- Second room: 10 times with a very hot model
- Third room: 10 hours with a tiger.
The first guy goes with the girl room, and after 8 times, he quit. The second guy goes with the tiger, and after 8 hours, he quit.
The last guy said "f**k the contest, I will try the wine first", the he goes to the first room. After 10 barrels, he somehow managed to go to the tiger room. 10 hours later, he came out, and said
"Hell of a night man. Now, show me the tiger room"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6elbkj/manliest_man_ever_contest/
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China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor the women are extra fertile.

But their condoms are "Made in China"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6elawx/china_has_largest_population_not_because_the_men/
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Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone?

He couldn't find the droid he was lookin' for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6el9m2/why_did_the_storm_trooper_buy_an_iphone/
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What's a word in English that is both a word and sentence

"Prison". Although some may claim it is actually "marriage".
I say same difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6el84o/whats_a_word_in_english_that_is_both_a_word_and/
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The circle of life...

Has no point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6el6u1/the_circle_of_life/
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Hey, did it hurt?

When you fell out of someone's ass and hit the toilet, you piece of shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6el640/hey_did_it_hurt/
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Mother and son conversation...

Mom: "Peter. Am I a bad mother?"
Son: "My name is Paul"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6el2jq/mother_and_son_conversation/
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What's the only word in the English language that is both a word and a sentence?

Marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekzwi/whats_the_only_word_in_the_english_language_that/
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To ease the pain of a mother Crying at her Husbands funeral I said "At least he died doing what he Loves"

Too bad he was a Drug Addict

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekyrm/to_ease_the_pain_of_a_mother_crying_at_her/
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I sexually identify as an invisible dad.

I am trans-parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekvq3/i_sexually_identify_as_an_invisible_dad/
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What did I tell my friend when he told me he got a bladder infection?

Urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekuev/what_did_i_tell_my_friend_when_he_told_me_he_got/
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A father catches his daughter...

Father catches his daughter masturbating with a cucumber.
Father says "what the fuck!! I was going to eat that!  Now it's going to taste like a cucumber."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eksl6/a_father_catches_his_daughter/
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A man is driving to work...

And he hears a voice from no where.
"Go to Vegas."
He looks around the car. No one is around. He shakes it off. It happens every day for three months straight.
"Go to Vegas."
After a year of hearing it, he finally snaps and says, "okay!"
He turns the car around and drives to the airport. After landing in Vegas he asks the voice what to do.
"Take all your life savings and head to a casino"
At the casino he asks the voice what to do.
"Bet it all on black."
He does.
The roulette wheel spins as the balls bounces around slower and slower... finally landing on red.
The voice then says, "FUCK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekq4t/a_man_is_driving_to_work/
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Little Johnny raises his hand in class…

"Teacher!"
"Yes, Johnny."
"Would you ever punish me for something I didn't do?"
"Of course not!"
"Good! Because I *didn't* do my homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekpbh/little_johnny_raises_his_hand_in_class/
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekpas/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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My wife came home with a new pair of shoes.

“I’ve bought a pair of fuck me shoes, ”
“great, get them on and lets get upstairs, ” I said.
“no, it’s not those type, it’s the type that are going to make you say, ‘Fuck me!’ when you see the price, ” she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekoiy/my_wife_came_home_with_a_new_pair_of_shoes/
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Wanted: Circumcision surgeon

$700 per week, plus tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekmli/wanted_circumcision_surgeon/
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So two guys pick up a prostitute

They take her back to the hotel and start talking prices.
"How much for a handjob?" They ask.
"Its $100, each"
Thry think thats a bit pricey but decide what the hell and give her the  $200. Afterwards they're excited and horny so they decide to step it up and ask, "How much for both of us to have sex with you at the same time?'
"That's $100 total"
They're shocked, "Why is a handjob $100 each, but both of us at the same time is only $100 total?!"
"Well you know the old saying; one in the hand is worth two in the bush"
Was a bit proud of myself for coming up with that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekm3y/so_two_guys_pick_up_a_prostitute/
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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator...

Everyone freaks out. The bartender says "Hey! You can't bring an alligator in here!"
The guy says "Relax: this is the nicest, most well-behaved gator ever. Watch this."
The guy gently reaches to open the gator's mouth, and the gator lets him. The guy even pushes for the gator to open its mouth even wider, and the gator follows his command. He tells the gator to stay still.
Then the guy crouches down, pulls out his dick, and lays his dick right across the alligator's teeth.
20 seconds pass. The alligator doesn't move as the guy looks around the room. The alligator stays perfectly still. Having made his point, the guy stands back up and puts his dick back in his pants.
"See?" he says. "Does anyone else want to try?"
The drunk guy at the end of the bar says "I'lll trry...but I don' think I can oopen my mouth that wide."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eklbp/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_alligator/
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Where would a woodchuck fuck a duck, if a woodchuck could fuck ducks?

In the buttquack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekj14/where_would_a_woodchuck_fuck_a_duck_if_a/
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I finally got my shit together.

No more diarrhea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekior/i_finally_got_my_shit_together/
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Unemployed people

I have plenty of jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn't matter because none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eki9r/unemployed_people/
%
What did King Arthur say when asked about Lancelot's betrayal?

"I don't want to talk about it, I've had a bad knight."
Bonus joke:
Why should you hire submariners?
They have experience working under pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eki81/what_did_king_arthur_say_when_asked_about/
%
How do fleas travel?

They itch hike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekhvx/how_do_fleas_travel/
%
A man walks into a police station

with his head profusely bleeding.
Officer: What Happened
Man: My Wife hit me in the head
Officer: Why..??
Man: Her parents came over unexpectedly, so she asked me to go and get them something.
Officer: And..??
Man: I got them a taxi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eke4k/a_man_walks_into_a_police_station/
%
Someone stole my phone

That was uncalled for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekdde/someone_stole_my_phone/
%
What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yogurt?

Leave a pot of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekcoe/whats_the_difference_between_an_australian_and_a/
%
Why Has no one seen the movie "In The Closet?"

It hasn't come out yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ekab8/why_has_no_one_seen_the_movie_in_the_closet/
%
What does a mechanic do when he has a one night stand?

Screws, nuts, and bolts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ek9hh/what_does_a_mechanic_do_when_he_has_a_one_night/
%
Why should you date a guy who speaks multiple languages?

Because he's a cunning linguist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ek94k/why_should_you_date_a_guy_who_speaks_multiple/
%
Why do melons always get married in a church?

Because they cantaloupe!
^^^^^^^I'm ^^^^^^^so ^^^^^^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ek90s/why_do_melons_always_get_married_in_a_church/
%
Elevator sex

It has it's ups and downs, but it's great on so many levels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ek6kx/elevator_sex/
%
What did Momma Cow say to her calf after sundown?

It's *pasture* bedtime!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ek63l/what_did_momma_cow_say_to_her_calf_after_sundown/
%
what's the most heinous crime a transvestite has ever been convicted of?

Male fraud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ek5nn/whats_the_most_heinous_crime_a_transvestite_has/
%
Literally just saw a dude in the city center humping a trash can...

When I asked him why he was doing that he said, "It's cleaner than my ex wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ek46q/literally_just_saw_a_dude_in_the_city_center/
%
Guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but saran wrap

Dr. says: from my point of view, I can clearly see your nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ek3i3/guy_walks_into_a_doctors_office_wearing_nothing/
%
How do people lose their kids at the mall?

Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ek2bn/how_do_people_lose_their_kids_at_the_mall/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ejzrw/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
Why a good cameraman is a very dangerous person?

He's always shooting something!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ejz64/why_a_good_cameraman_is_a_very_dangerous_person/
%
A blind man complained to customer service

He showed the employee a cheese grater and said "This is the worst book I've ever read"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ejuoh/a_blind_man_complained_to_customer_service/
%
Three soldiers are captured when their plane goes down...

Three soldiers are captured when their plane goes down behind enemy lines. They are taken to the enemy's headquarters and informed that the POW camp is full so they will be executed immediately, by firing squad. They are taken out to an open space and sat down. Then, one by one, they are to be lined up against a wall and shot.
The first soldier is put against the wall. The firing squad stands before him, and the commander yells "Ready, aim!"
Then the first soldier gets an idea. He yells "TORNADO!" Panic ensues. The firing squad runs for shelter, the sirens go off, and in the chaos he slips over the wall and to safety.
Eventually, the enemies realize there is no tornado and go to resume the execution. They take the second prisoner and line him up against the wall. The commander yells "Ready, aim!"
The second prisoner yells "Bombing run!" The sirens go off, everyone runs for shelter, and in the panic he slips over the wall and runs off to safety, rejoining his friend.
Finally, the commotion dies down. The commander is livid at this point. He lines the third prisoner up against the wall and commands the firing squad. "Ready, aim!"
Knowing exactly what to do, the third soldier grins and yells "FIRE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ejukj/three_soldiers_are_captured_when_their_plane_goes/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

Porcupines have pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ejqz5/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
%
What did the pirate say to the prostitute?

Yo ho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ejpug/what_did_the_pirate_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vender and says

"Make me one with everything."
He then hands the vender a $20 and starts eating his hot dog.   After he's done he asks the vender
"Where's my change?"
The vender replies
"Change only comes from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ejnff/a_buddhist_walks_up_to_a_hot_dog_vender_and_says/
%
My kids favorite Knock Knock joke.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mommy just ate up!
Mommy just ate up who?
That's disgusting!  Why would you say that about your mother!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ejl1w/my_kids_favorite_knock_knock_joke/
%
If SpongeBob is absorbent and lives in bikini bottom

then I'm pretty sure that makes him a tampon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ejkqx/if_spongebob_is_absorbent_and_lives_in_bikini/
%
A girl asks her father a question.

"Daddy, where did I get my name from?"
"Well, Daisy, when you were born, a daisy fell on your head."
Satisfied, she walks away.
His second daughter walks up to him and asks him the same question.
"Daddy, where did I get my name from?"
"Well, Rose, when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
Satisfied, she walks away.
"HMDJKGYGD".
"Oh, hi, Brick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ejjzg/a_girl_asks_her_father_a_question/
%
Guy runs to a police officer: Help! there are two girls fighting over me!

Officer: So...what's the problem..?
Guy: The ugly one is winning...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ejhfh/guy_runs_to_a_police_officer_help_there_are_two/
%
So I was getting a handjob by a blind girl when she said,

"you have the biggest cock I've ever felt" and I said, "naw, you're just pulling my leg".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eje68/so_i_was_getting_a_handjob_by_a_blind_girl_when/
%
A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...

...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.
"Holy water from the shrine of the Virgin Mary" replied the man.
The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"
"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ejcsy/a_young_tourist_was_attempting_to_sneak_a_quart/
%
My mrs left me because she thinks I joke around too much

too bad, she memes so much to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ejb64/my_mrs_left_me_because_she_thinks_i_joke_around/
%
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring yesterday.

The doctor said I will be fine, but I feel like I might have dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ej85s/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food_coloring/
%
My boss walked straight up to my desk as I was watching porn today

Then he said, "Do you think I pay people to do that?"
"Probably," I replied, "You're not exactly the best looking dude in the world."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ej6ns/my_boss_walked_straight_up_to_my_desk_as_i_was/
%
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey...

But I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ej5n0/i_was_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
%
Why did the blind lady fall into a well?

Because she couldn't see that well.
*crickets, crickets*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ej59u/why_did_the_blind_lady_fall_into_a_well/
%
My friend and I were talking on the phone the other day and she was complaining about her period

Her: MY UTERUS HURTS
Me: WTF Why?
Her: CAUSE OF MY PERIOD
Me: oh
Her: I WANT ICE CREAM
Me: so go get some
Her: I'M IN TOO MUCH PAIN TO GET UP
Me: man, what a vicious cycle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ej4pw/my_friend_and_i_were_talking_on_the_phone_the/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender there was...

I'd have 2 dollars and a whole lot of counterfeits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ej1nk/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender_there_was/
%
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

the most violent book she's ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eiy65/helen_keller_once_described_a_cheese_grater_as/
%
There are 10 kinds of people

Those who understand ternary, those who don't, and those who expected this to be binary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eixo7/there_are_10_kinds_of_people/
%
Sharing a meal is hilarious.

You'll be splitting your sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eivgw/sharing_a_meal_is_hilarious/
%
Why did Santa's elves spend a week living with 50 Cent?

So they could improve their wrapping skills!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eiuxi/why_did_santas_elves_spend_a_week_living_with_50/
%
Why was the musician arrested?

He fingered A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eiu6t/why_was_the_musician_arrested/
%
Health food doesn't make you live longer.

It just makes it **seem** longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eit1c/health_food_doesnt_make_you_live_longer/
%
Me: Do you want the best sex of your life tonight?

Her: No.
Me: Then I'm the guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eirtd/me_do_you_want_the_best_sex_of_your_life_tonight/
%
A rich Texan is on vacation in Ireland...

One of my oldest, one of my favorites, but I haven't seen it pop up since I've been subbed.  But of course it's surely a repost.  I like to put on the Texan drawl and Irish accent for this one...
After a long day of sightseeing the Irish countryside the Texan wants to relax and have a beer so he heads into the first pub he sees.  Folk gawk at his cowboy getup, but soon enough he's knocking beers back and making friends.
After a few pints he's feeling pretty tipsy, and decides to offer up a wager.  "Listen here fellas", he says through the boisterous chatter, "I reckon you Irish folks are real champs at drinkin" to scattered cheers and laughter.  "But every man has his limits, so how bout a wager?  I'll bet one THOUsand of your funny lil pounds that nobody here can drink 10 pints of this fine Ginn-ess all in a row!"
The pub goes silent - quite a few look like they're considering the challenge - but it's clear nobody wants to stake a one thousand pounds on it.  Suddenly, at the far end of the bar a loud SCREEEECH is heard as a man shoves his barstool back and goes FLYING out the door as fast as he can.
Everyone looks bemused as the door flutters shut behind him, but soon enough everyone is back to drinking and having a good time, and nobody takes the texan up on his offer.
A short while later the man comes bolting back into the pub, short of breath.  Panting, he asks "Excuse me, sir...  Your offer with the thousand pounds, is it still good?"  To which the Texan replies "Well sure son, aint nobody took me up on it yet so that thousand is still on the table."
The bartender pours out 10 pints and lines them up on the bar as the crowd gathers round.  One at a time, and in quick succession, he upends one glass after another with barely a pause between them.  Soon he's finishing the 10th beer, to cheers and hollers from the crowd.  The Texan bellows with laughter and begins to count out a thousand pounds, merrily handing it over to the lad.
As the crown returns to their general merriment the Texan turns to the Irishman and asks, "Well son you earned it fair and square, but answer me this, what in the samhell did you go bolting outta the pub for earlier?"  To which he replies, "Well sir, I've not got a thousand pounds to me name, so I ran to the pub down the road to make sure I could do it first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eir3r/a_rich_texan_is_on_vacation_in_ireland/
%
I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eipdc/i_used_to_smoke_weed_and_go_to_class/
%
It turns out humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eiouq/it_turns_out_humans_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
%
I bought a new desk from IKEA....

And I noticed that a piece was missing.  It was a connecting rod that should have been marked "A."
I called IKEA and told them about my issue.  They said there must have been a shortage, but this was a limited-run item.  I asked them what I should do.  At that time, they informed me that I was to go into my nearest store to obtain one.
I went into my IKEA store, and walked through the store to get to the customer service desk to get the missing piece to my desk.
As I got to the desk, a large circle started forming with angry customers.  There were no workers in sight; they must have been on break.  My attention turned to the circle.
I had asked the gentlemen next to me where some workers would be, and I explained my problem about the missing piece from the desk I had bought.  'You too?' asked another person. 'I bought the same desk.' 'Me too!' exclaimed another person.  'Mine is missing one of the first connecting rods!' echoed another voice.
It was at this time that an announcement was made over the intercom that the connecting rod was indeed found, but there was only one.  Due to the massive number of customers with this problem, many people would be disappointed.
This caused an eruption of yelling.  There were several people visibly upset by travelling all this way for nothing.  So, we figured out a way to determine who would get the missing piece: we would hold a last-man-standing battle royale.  The person to endure the longest would be the winner.
Many punches were thrown initially.  I watched men spearing each other to the ground.  Many hits connected, and I even got to chuckle as I watched some fighters completely miss and end up punching a wall.
Soon, blood was everywhere.  It even worked to fight and use the blood to slide faster into your opponents.  After 3 long hours of fighting, Leon was the last man upright, and he took home the prize.
And on that day, we were all proud.  We had all done our best to get what we wanted, even though we lost.
But every one of us did fight for our right to part A.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eim9u/i_bought_a_new_desk_from_ikea/
%
What't the difference between a man and a woman ?

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eii86/whatt_the_difference_between_a_man_and_a_woman/
%
Little Johnny in the classroom..

One day, a teacher asked her students, "if you think you are stupid, please stand up." No one thought they were stupid, so they remained sitting. She asked again, "if you think you are stupid, please stand up." Little Johnny stood up, and everyone around him started laughing. The teacher asked "now why did you think you are stupid?" Little Johnny replied, "I don't, but I didn't wanna see you standing there all by yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eihkr/little_johnny_in_the_classroom/
%
Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eidv4/country_politics/
%
Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eidg7/prison_may_be_just_one_word/
%
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eidd0/sometimes_it_is_very_important_if_a_sentence_was/
%
Two blonds fishing

Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first woman.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.
"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ei9yv/two_blonds_fishing/
%
My wife accused me of being a tranny...

So I packed up her things and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ei5u0/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_a_tranny/
%
What do you call the Russian version of The Beatles "Let It Be"?

So Be It.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ei53k/what_do_you_call_the_russian_version_of_the/
%
What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?

The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ei3s0/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_man_and_a/
%
Everyone is concerned about Trump's health after he posted an incomprehensible tweet about his covfefe

But don't worry. Dr. Hufghfufu just assured the media that he's agvofofi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ei3aq/everyone_is_concerned_about_trumps_health_after/
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So apparently Trump's policy on birth control is the same as his policy on climate change.

pull out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ei361/so_apparently_trumps_policy_on_birth_control_is/
%
Wanna hear a bird joke?

Wait.. I forgot the punchline..
Hawkward..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ei2zv/wanna_hear_a_bird_joke/
%
If you can spell...

A first grade teacher is bringing her class in from recess.
Teacher: Jimmy, what did you do outside?
Jimmy: I played in the sandbox
Teacher: Wonderful! If you can spell "sand", you will get a cookie! What did you do Sally?
Sally: I played in the sandbox with Jimmy.
Teacher: Fantastic! If you can spell "box", you will get a cookie! Toby, what did you do?
Toby: I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Sally and Jimmy wouldn't let me because I am black.
Teacher: That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can spell "blatant racial discrimination"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ei2cj/if_you_can_spell/
%
When love fades

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV.
When I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen ask...
"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, dear, I think I'll have chicken."
She replied , "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ei28m/when_love_fades/
%
I ordered take out and it came in less than 2 minutes.

It reminded me of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ei1tr/i_ordered_take_out_and_it_came_in_less_than_2/
%
Reddit has given me OCD.

Original Content Deficiency

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ei1ny/reddit_has_given_me_ocd/
%
Did you hear about the big toothpaste scandal?

The media are calling it Colgate...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ei14m/did_you_hear_about_the_big_toothpaste_scandal/
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Bubba died in a fire

and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehyf2/bubba_died_in_a_fire/
%
Holy shit there is a fire!!!

Some guy -- "Holy shit there is a fire someone get a fire distinguisher"
Fire distinguisher -- "yup that's a fire"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehx1z/holy_shit_there_is_a_fire/
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I just found out my girlfriend faked her suicide.

Not a nice way to leave me hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehsno/i_just_found_out_my_girlfriend_faked_her_suicide/
%
What happens when you put Nutella on salmon?

You got salmonella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehr2w/what_happens_when_you_put_nutella_on_salmon/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehqd2/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
A group of railway trespassers got hit and killed...

They won't trespass again now that they've been trained.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehq7d/a_group_of_railway_trespassers_got_hit_and_killed/
%
My wife told me that size doesn't matter....

But i still wish she didn't have a penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehprq/my_wife_told_me_that_size_doesnt_matter/
%
My father told me that whenever I find myself having trouble with my partner I should stop and listen to my heart.

My heart says, "BEAT BEAT BEAT!"
^^^For ^^^real ^^^though, ^^^don't ^^^beat ^^^your ^^^lovers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehply/my_father_told_me_that_whenever_i_find_myself/
%
I started typing out a joke about boomerangs...

And then forgot the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehmfv/i_started_typing_out_a_joke_about_boomerangs/
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What do you call Mac N' Cheese without a lot of cheese?

Lackin' cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehjtw/what_do_you_call_mac_n_cheese_without_a_lot_of/
%
A clown held open a door for me today.

I thought it was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehi5d/a_clown_held_open_a_door_for_me_today/
%
Why can't clay pots provide for their family?

They're always getting fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehhlp/why_cant_clay_pots_provide_for_their_family/
%
Fun Fact

At any given moment, the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehfla/fun_fact/
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What is the preferred sandwich of the working class? [OC]

A plebian-J.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehc8v/what_is_the_preferred_sandwich_of_the_working/
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A man had a party where all the rich people attend.

And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bullets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehbf5/a_man_had_a_party_where_all_the_rich_people_attend/
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Why do blind programmers use Java?

Because they can't C.
(I'm so sorry.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehb17/why_do_blind_programmers_use_java/
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Stephen hawking walks into a bar

Just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ehakx/stephen_hawking_walks_into_a_bar/
%
2 flies were arguing on a toilet seat...

One of them got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eh933/2_flies_were_arguing_on_a_toilet_seat/
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A priest, a politician and an engineer were scheduled to be executed late in the French revolution.

It has to be "public", and people are tired of all the bloodshed, so a crowd of spectators is forcibly rounded up.
The priest is brought up to the guillotine and lays down on the table. The executioner pulls the cord and the heavy steel blade descends ... then shudders to a stop in the middle of the track. The executioner is a very smart guy (which is why he is pulling the cord, rather than laying on the table) so he proclaims, "This is a sign from God, that the life of this priest should be spared!" The priest is set free to the delight of the cheering crowd.
Next the politician is brought up and laid on the table. The cord is pulled, and the blade again shudders to a halt in the same place. The executioner proclaims "The grace of God is extended even to this politician!" and the crowd goes wild with joy!
The engineer steps up last and says "You know, if you tighten that bolt, this thing will work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eh84p/a_priest_a_politician_and_an_engineer_were/
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A guy shows up late for work

The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eh5wl/a_guy_shows_up_late_for_work/
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The World's Most Politically Correct Joke

THE WORLD'S MOST POLITICALLY CORRECT JOKE
A Christian, a Jew, a Hindu, a Mormon, a Sikh, a Hare Krishna, a Buddhist, a Pagan, an Atheist, a 3rd wave feminist, a non-binary gender neutral otherkin, a transgender Black Lives Matter activist, a Jehovah's Witness and a Muslim walk into a bar that only serves gluten free, dairy free, eco friendly, carbon neutral, halal, kosher, non GM, fair trade, free range, vegan, recycled water.
Nobody said or did anything and an acceptable time was had by all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eh5lg/the_worlds_most_politically_correct_joke/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eh4lm/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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I'm dyslexic, but that doesn't define me.

Dyslexics are teople poo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eh09d/im_dyslexic_but_that_doesnt_define_me/
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Humans are just like bananas..

no one likes the black ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6egzwz/humans_are_just_like_bananas/
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TIL That when pigeons have sex they die!

Well... at lest the one I had sex with did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6egz31/til_that_when_pigeons_have_sex_they_die/
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The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6egsq3/the_doctor_gave_me_six_months_to_live_so_i_shot/
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A man walks into a bar

The next two duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6egrwx/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear about the guy that was strangled to death with his own underwear?

Reports say it was a Haines crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6egr0q/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_was_strangled_to/
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Masturbation is a useful part of life

It comes in handy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6egney/masturbation_is_a_useful_part_of_life/
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Little Johnny & his mortgage issues

Little Johnny asked his dad for a $100 bike for his birthday. Johnny's dad said, "We have an $90,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $100 bike!" Three days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His dad asks him why he's leaving.Johnny says, "This morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $90,000 mortgage!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6egma4/little_johnny_his_mortgage_issues/
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I really hate people who brag about their expensive stuff

Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus
EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6egisn/i_really_hate_people_who_brag_about_their/
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My friend told me he's never heard of Super Mario.

"Really?" I asked.
"Nope. Never." He signed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6egiga/my_friend_told_me_hes_never_heard_of_super_mario/
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I don't always tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6egi7h/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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We all saw the tape....

Donald isn't the first guy to pull out of Paris

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eggzu/we_all_saw_the_tape/
%
Would anyone like some prescription drugs?

Tiger Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eggth/would_anyone_like_some_prescription_drugs/
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Why are fencing jokes so bad

The punchline is always a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6egbzi/why_are_fencing_jokes_so_bad/
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Went on a date with a dolphin the other night.

We just clicked. Heyyyooooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eg71n/went_on_a_date_with_a_dolphin_the_other_night/
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What's the difference between a comma and a cat?

One is a pause at the end of a clause, the other has claws at the end of its paws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eg4gj/whats_the_difference_between_a_comma_and_a_cat/
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What person gets all his work done by Friday?

Robinson Crusoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eg1bc/what_person_gets_all_his_work_done_by_friday/
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Why did princess Diana cross the road?

She didn't wear a seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6efzl6/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
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What's red and tastes like blue paint?

Red paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6efzdn/whats_red_and_tastes_like_blue_paint/
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Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6efz44/malaysian_airlines_and_united_should_merge/
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What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Society

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6efwwj/whats_white_on_top_and_black_on_the_bottom/
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Dicks and vaginas are sorta like Coke and Pepsi

I strongly prefer one, but my dad thinks they taste the same.
Credit: Bo Burnham - Love Is....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6efunh/dicks_and_vaginas_are_sorta_like_coke_and_pepsi/
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Do you know what game non-vaccinated kids play?

Marco Polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6efuih/do_you_know_what_game_nonvaccinated_kids_play/
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What is the difference between arguing with your girlfriend and arguing with a knife?

The knife has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6efr7o/what_is_the_difference_between_arguing_with_your/
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My son wants to name our next dog Naked

This way he can tell his friends he walked Naked around the block

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6efp2b/my_son_wants_to_name_our_next_dog_naked/
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What do pigs put on burns?

Oinkment!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6efomp/what_do_pigs_put_on_burns/
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Is This The Right Sub? Need help repairing my fence.

It seems everyone knows how to repost here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6efnt4/is_this_the_right_sub_need_help_repairing_my_fence/
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My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing".

I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6efnch/my_granddad_always_used_to_say_there_is_no_such/
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2 men were lost in the desert

Their car broke down and they were wandering for hours. It's midday and the sun was scorching hot. They're lost, hungry and their throat were parched. In the distance they saw a huge mosque.
Man 1: Let's pretend to be Muslims and they'll give us food and water.
Man 2: You go ahead and do that. I'm not gonna lie.
They reached the mosque and met the imam. The imam greeted them and asked what were their names.
Man 1: My name is Abdullah.
Man 2: My name is Thomas.
The Imam turned to his assistant as told him, "Give Brother Thomas some food and water. Brother Abdullah will break his fast with us at 7.28pm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6efe7l/2_men_were_lost_in_the_desert/
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Pineapple on pizza is like going down on your cousin.

It tastes good, but something ain't right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6efctf/pineapple_on_pizza_is_like_going_down_on_your/
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A friend asked me if I wanted to come to his house last week

I told him I'll be there as soon as I boot up my time machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ef8d6/a_friend_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_come_to_his/
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3 Texan surgeons are having a conversation on a golf course

The first one says: "I'm the best surgeon in Texas! A concert pianist has lost 7 fingers in an accident and I managed to sew them to his hand again. Tomorrow he will be playing for the Queen of England in an private audience!"
Says the second one: "Thats nothing! A young man lost both of his arms and legs. I sewed them back to his torso and two years later he won a gold medal during the Olympic Games."
The third one says: "You're all amateurs! A few years ago a cowboy rode in front of a train with his horse. Everything that was left were the Cowboy's ass and the blonde mane of the horse. I have operated on it and now he is the President of the United States."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ef6fk/3_texan_surgeons_are_having_a_conversation_on_a/
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Music is a lot like university

You spend the whole time trying to get to the next bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ef5rj/music_is_a_lot_like_university/
%
What company is the best at meeting deadlines?

The Make a Wish Foundation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ef4og/what_company_is_the_best_at_meeting_deadlines/
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Why can't cookies dough hold a steady job?

Because it's always getting baked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ef45g/why_cant_cookies_dough_hold_a_steady_job/
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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…

Must be some kind of milestone…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ef0uw/i_found_a_rock_yesterday_which_measured_1760/
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The Altar Boy's Confession

Once there was an altar boy, who was fairly new to the  parish. Father Charles was just finishing a confession, when he came out and asked the new alter boy, "please son, I need to go to the washroom really badly, and I fear it will take a long time. Can you please take care of the next few people for me in the confessionals?" The new altar boy, nervous, asks "but Father, what prayers should I give them?" Father Charles says "just give them 10 Hail Marys and send them on their way." So, the new altar boy goes into the confessional, and a lady walks in. She confesses, " oh father, I have committed the greatest sin! I have performed oral sex on another man." The altar boy, remains silent and shocked and at a loss of words. He quietly and quickly steps out of the confessional and spots another altar boy. He asks him, "hey, what does Father Charles give for oral sex?" And the other altar boy responds, "2 snickers bar and a coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eeylq/the_altar_boys_confession/
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Socrates the philosopher

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me Id like you to pass a little test. Its called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"Thats right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes lets take a moment to filter what youre going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you dont really know if its true or not. Now lets try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though youre not certain its true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eeyc3/socrates_the_philosopher/
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An apple a day keeps the doctors away...

... but apparently not my orthrodontist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eewe8/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctors_away/
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My girlfriend told me I’m her 32nd lover...

It turns out what she really meant was I’m her thirty second lover...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eew2u/my_girlfriend_told_me_im_her_32nd_lover/
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There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza

For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush to fulfill their greatest desires.
After about a half an hour of rustling around in the bushes they emerge, panting and sweaty.
"Wow" says the one statue, "that was amazing" "A dream come true" says the other "but we've got a half an hour left, what should we do now?" "I know" the first responds "this time I'll hold the pigeon down while you shit on it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eeufm/there_are_these_two_beautiful_marble_statues_on/
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My girlfriend told me I was too childish.

The other day, I bought her a pair of walkie talkies.
She squinted her eyes at me and said, "Our relationship is over."
I squinted my eyes right back and told her, "Our relationship is what? Over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eeqrf/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_was_too_childish/
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Mummy DNA shows that the ancients don’t have much in common with modern Egyptians

But at least they have Tutankhamun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6een42/mummy_dna_shows_that_the_ancients_dont_have_much/
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I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda

I guess you could say it was a Fanta-sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eel9f/i_had_a_dream_i_was_swimming_in_an_ocean_of/
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If I had a dollar for every dollar I'd spent

I'd still have no dollars. I'm british

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eekd2/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_dollar_id_spent/
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My Canadian friend did really well on an exam

He got an Eh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eejo9/my_canadian_friend_did_really_well_on_an_exam/
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The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend"…

…is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eehvj/the_difference_between_girlfriend_and_girl_friend/
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As a young boy I always wanted to join a violent gang

Just got accepted into police training, who says dreams don't come true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eefrn/as_a_young_boy_i_always_wanted_to_join_a_violent/
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A boy has reportedly fallen off a building whilst on LSD

People say he "had a bad trip"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eeeu6/a_boy_has_reportedly_fallen_off_a_building_whilst/
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Can you smoke weed in Saudi Arabia?

No, in Saudi Arabia only gays get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eeefg/can_you_smoke_weed_in_saudi_arabia/
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Why do phones have Voicemail?

Because voicefemail would take days to listen to...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eeec4/why_do_phones_have_voicemail/
%
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eebbe/a_woman_in_her_forties_went_to_a_plastic_surgeon/
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Did you hear about the guy who got cooled to absolute zero?

he is 0k now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ee9o2/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_cooled_to/
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Hard of Hearing

I went to the Doctors yesterday as my ears were a bit blocked and I couldn't hear too well.
The Doctor asked if I could describe the symptoms, I told him the Father is called Homer and is fat and his wife is called Marge with big blue hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ee7d2/hard_of_hearing/
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I used to be schizophrenic...

But we're all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ee6g0/i_used_to_be_schizophrenic/
%
Why is the Canadian version of GTA easier?

Hospitals don't take your money when you die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ee5r4/why_is_the_canadian_version_of_gta_easier/
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Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

*Boy throws bag at teacher* Teacher: "Who threw that!?" Boy: "Me! I'm going home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ee55o/teacher_whoever_answers_my_next_question_can_go/
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Blonde: My husbands dandruff is getting out of control!

Friend: Why don't you give him head and shoulders?
Blonde: How do you give shoulders?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ee52k/blonde_my_husbands_dandruff_is_getting_out_of/
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A young man was having dinner with his girlfriend's family

and he wanted to make a good impression, but unfortunately he had diarrhea and gases that day. His stomach was aching with the gases, but he tried to maintain it. Despite his heroic efforts a small fart leaks out. "Rocky!" the mother scolds. Looking down the young man sees the family dog cower near the base of his chair. Praise the Lord!" the young man thinks, "I'll let out just a little more to be comfortable and the dog will get blamed." Pfffft, the young man releases a little more gas. "Rockyyy!" the mother again scolds with a higher pitch and the dog cowers in shame a little more. "This is AWESOME!" the young man thinks. "I'll just let out one more big one to finish it, the dog will get blamed and I can relax and charm the hell out of her parents." BRAAAAAAAPPP!!! the young man lets it loose. "Rockyyyyyyyyy!" the mother yells "Come here before he shits on you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ee4yq/a_young_man_was_having_dinner_with_his/
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I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6edxid/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/
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An Israeli doctor says...

"In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6edqrp/an_israeli_doctor_says/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a feminist...

I would have 77 cents
Source: Male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6edo9l/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_called/
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A rich vampire and a poor vampire walks into a bar that serves blood.

The bartender first approached the rich vampire to take his order.
"Good evening sir. Can I take your order?"
"Ah yes. Bring me a fresh blood of a virgin, and type AB negative please." he replied.
"Okay sir. Just a moment and I'll serve your drink."
The bartender then went to the poor vampire to take his order as well.
"Good evening sir. Can I take your order?"
The poor vampire thought for a minute, then said, "Um, can you just give me a cup of hot water please."
The bartender was intrigued."Of course sir. But why hot water only?"
"Well as you can see, I managed to find a bloody tampon while rummaging the dumpster, so I'll just make myself a cup of tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6edmhm/a_rich_vampire_and_a_poor_vampire_walks_into_a/
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I saw a transvestite wearing a mini skirt, and I thought....

That shows a lot of balls.
Credit to Jimmy Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6edlh1/i_saw_a_transvestite_wearing_a_mini_skirt_and_i/
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What's the most useless shape?

A circle. It's pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6edko1/whats_the_most_useless_shape/
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Is this the right sub? Need help repairing my fence.

It seems everyone knows how to repost here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6edauw/is_this_the_right_sub_need_help_repairing_my_fence/
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3 Prisoners planned to escape from a prison...

The first prisoner scaled over the prison wall, but made a loud crash when he landed on the other side.
A patrolling guard yelled out "WHO GOES THERE?".
The prisoner thinks quickly and makes a cat noise "MEOW!"
The guard calms down and thinks it just a stray cat.
The second prisoner follows suit and scales the wall but when he lands he makes an even louder noise.
Again the Guard yells "WHO GOES THERE? I HAVE A SHOTGUN!"
The second prisoner like the first prisoner quickly makes a cat noise "MEOW!"
The guard calms down again and thinks to himself it's just another stray cat.
The third prisoner who wasn't as bright as the other 2, climbs over the wall and makes the loudest noise of the three.
This time the guard yells at the top of his lungs "WHO GOES THERE? I'LL SHOOT YOU!"
The third prisoner yells back to the guard "IT'S ME, THE CAT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6edany/3_prisoners_planned_to_escape_from_a_prison/
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A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities.

He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.
The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.
In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever.
He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again! Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl. Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen.
"What was that sound?" He asked. "What made it? Is it behind that door?"
The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk."
As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. "You have to tell me what it is," he begged.
"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk," said the monk.
The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl. "Please tell me what made that sound," he said.
But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.
The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again.
He got out of his car and found the head monk. "I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound."
The head monk just shook his head. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said.
"Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.
The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"
The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."
The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."
The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky. He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded.
"Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world." The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.
The head monk heard his answer and nodded. "Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation." And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me."
And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise.
But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6edaet/a_man_was_driving_in_the_middle_of_nowhere_down_a/
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A woman goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I'm concerned I'm growing a penis because of all these steroids that I've been taking"

Doctor says: "Anabolic?"
Woman: "No no, just a penis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ed85v/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_doctor_im/
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[NSFW] Why are vegan's silent during sex ?

They can't believe that a piece of meat can give so much pleasure..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ed5a3/nsfw_why_are_vegans_silent_during_sex/
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A woman is at the doctor's office, anxiously awaiting the results of a test.

The doctor says, "You appear to have vasovagal syncope."
She fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ed0bz/a_woman_is_at_the_doctors_office_anxiously/
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Roll call in the Middle East

Teacher: Asghar?
Asghar: Here!
Teacher:Hassan?
Hassan: Present!
Teacher: Rahal?
Rahal: A present, count to four!
Teacher: Don't you mean 'present and accounted for'?
Rahal: No. Count to two.
Teacher: What do you- BOOM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eczvy/roll_call_in_the_middle_east/
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Putin, Merkel and Trump are walking down a beach...

Putin, Merkel and Trump are walking down a beach.
Putin says "Russian submarines are so technically advanced, they can stay a whole year under water without the need to return to the surface."
Trump laughs and returns "Well that's cute, but 'murican submarines are far better and can stay 2 years under water without the need to return to the surface."
As soon as Merkel wants to speak, a submarine arises from the sea and opens his hatch. A old man in Nazi uniform jumps over to the beach and shouts "SIEG HEIL, we need gasoline!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecyhi/putin_merkel_and_trump_are_walking_down_a_beach/
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The clever old man

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadnt been in a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted at him "we're not coming out till you leave!" The old man frowned "I didnt come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket he said, "Im here to feed the alligator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecwye/the_clever_old_man/
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Jesus the Mexican stuntman.

Jesus was a Mexican stuntman who died while making a film. At his funeral, his mother said to the director, "Jesus died for your scenes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecwip/jesus_the_mexican_stuntman/
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To settle their differences, Jesus and Muhammed agree to pistols at dawn, Jesus wins...

...because drawing Muhammed is forbidden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecvpn/to_settle_their_differences_jesus_and_muhammed/
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Cat Joke

A man goes on a business trip and has his best friend watch his cat. In the middle of his trip, he calls to check on things, but his friend says, "Yeah, your cat died."
So the man gets upset. "You can't just say that! You should have broke it to me slowly. Like, this time, you could have said, 'she's on the roof, but the fire department is getting her down'. Next time I called, you could say 'the fireman dropped her and they took her to the vet'. Third time, 'sorry man, they did all they could, but Fluffy passed away'."
His friend says. "Alright, I'll remember that."
The man sighs. "So how's my mother doing?"
"Oh, she's on the roof, but the fire department is getting her down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecths/cat_joke/
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On my wedding day, I walked down the aisle with my back to the altar

I really wasn't looking forward to getting married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecsvm/on_my_wedding_day_i_walked_down_the_aisle_with_my/
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Did you hear about the guy who turned his sperm into candy?

He said the real joke is always in the cum mints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecsq0/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_turned_his_sperm/
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You don't have to vaccinate your children.

Just the ones you want to keep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecpi0/you_dont_have_to_vaccinate_your_children/
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An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecpe0/an_attractive_woman_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_see_a/
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Two young girls were talking

Girl 1: What does your daddy do for a living?
Girl 2: He's a lawyer. What about your daddy?
Girl 1: My daddy's dead
Girl 2: What did he do before he died?
Girl 1: He sort of clutched at his chest and fell over
From Garrison Keillor's "pretty good joke book"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecp30/two_young_girls_were_talking/
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What do you call it when a priest goes for round two?

The second coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecov0/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_priest_goes_for_round/
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What are you drinking there, son?

Son: soy milk
Dad: hola milk, soy tu padre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eco6l/what_are_you_drinking_there_son/
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I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect.
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecnl9/i_asked_my_girlfriend_to_describe_me_in_5_words/
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What do you call a Mexican lady with no legs?

Cuntswaylow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecnjj/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_lady_with_no_legs/
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Why are lesbians such horrible cooks?

They always eat out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eckfg/why_are_lesbians_such_horrible_cooks/
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BREAKING: Tiger kills worker in an enclosure at UK zoo park

Man he took that DUI hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecjp1/breaking_tiger_kills_worker_in_an_enclosure_at_uk/
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I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecjad/i_buy_all_my_guns_from_a_guy_called_trex/
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A man goes to the pub for a drink

A man goes to the pub for a pint with and it turns into one too many - a few hours in, he's absolutely hammered but wants to go home, so he stumbles off his chair and onto the ground.
Crawling all the way across the floor, he finally makes it past the entrance doors - and his home is only a block away... He decides to go for it. After an hour of scraping his body against the rigid sidewalk, he manages to find his way back... bloodied and tattered, he pushes open the front door and manages to climb into bed next to his sleeping wife. The next morning she wakes him up with a cup of tea and says "You went out drinking last night didn't you ya daft bastard? The pub called and said you left your fucking wheelchair behind!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecifj/a_man_goes_to_the_pub_for_a_drink/
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Dark humor is like a child with cancer.

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eci9d/dark_humor_is_like_a_child_with_cancer/
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The husband calls the hotel reception: "Hello, can you send someone over? I'm arguing with my wife..."

"...And she says she's going to throw herself out the window!"
Receptionist: "Sir...that...that is a personal matter"
Husband: "Yes, I get it... but the window does not open...and that's is a hotel maintenance problem...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecg5u/the_husband_calls_the_hotel_reception_hello_can/
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My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we both are

but I laugh harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecg4c/my_wife_and_i_often_laugh_about_how_competitive/
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What's black, has smooth skin, and drives women more and more wild the bigger it is?

A wallet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ecf4q/whats_black_has_smooth_skin_and_drives_women_more/
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They're finally making a movie about clocks.

It's about time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eceq1/theyre_finally_making_a_movie_about_clocks/
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3 couples (newlywed, middle aged, and elderly), try to join a church.

"Welcome to Heaven On Earth Church!" The pastor exclaims. "In order to become a member here, all you have to do is abstain from having sex for two weeks. Good luck out there, and we'll see you soon!"
Two weeks goes by, and the three couples return to speak with the pastor.
The elderly couple are first.
"How did it go?" The pastor eagerly enquires.
"Well" Said the old man, "we've been married for so long, that it was really no problem for us."
"Great!" exclaimed the pastor, "Welcome to the church!"
Next was the middle aged couple.
"And how did you fair?"
"To be honest" said the husband, "there were a few instances of heavy petting, but we were able to overcome our desires for the time being."
"Ok" said the pastor, "we may need some work, but I think you guys will do fine."
Finally, the newly wed couples turn..
"Tell me my son, how did you two do with this task?"
"Father.. I'm sorry, but I let you down.." began the young man, "You see, me and my wife are such a new couple, and she is so hot, and my goodness.. the temptation of her buttocks as she bent over to pick up a can of soup was too much and I just had to have her several times right then and there.."
"Oh, I'm sorry son.. but it looks like you will not be allowed to enter our church from this point on." replied the pastor solemnly.
"Thats ok.." the young man added, "We're not allowed in Safeway anymore either.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eceol/3_couples_newlywed_middle_aged_and_elderly_try_to/
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Warnings about motorcycles

Every time people find out I drive a motorcycle they always freak out and tell me about sometime someone they know got in an accident.
I don't get it.
I don't go around telling pregnant women that my dad left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ece2t/warnings_about_motorcycles/
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Why do ants never get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ec98r/why_do_ants_never_get_sick/
%
What is a Christian's favorite music chord?

G sus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ec708/what_is_a_christians_favorite_music_chord/
%
Why does a squirrel swim on it's back

To keep it's nuts dry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ec1zd/why_does_a_squirrel_swim_on_its_back/
%
The president is a closet communist

He likes to seize the means of reproduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebzzd/the_president_is_a_closet_communist/
%
What's a Mexican's favorite sport?

Cross country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebx6o/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
%
A guy walks into an auto parts store and says to the clerk, "I would like a pair of new windshield wipers for my Yugo."

The clerk responds, "Sounds like a fair trade."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebvgk/a_guy_walks_into_an_auto_parts_store_and_says_to/
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It has been proven that more Americans watch television

than any other appliance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebve2/it_has_been_proven_that_more_americans_watch/
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An Irish guy walks out of a bar....

It could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebrbv/an_irish_guy_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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The Golfball That Cannot Be Lost

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow
noticed his partner had only one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked. The other guy
replied that he only needed one.
"Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it,
so I don't need another one."
"Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball
goes in the lake?"
"That's OK," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to
retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the
bushes and shrubs?
"The other guy replied, "That's OK, too. You see, this special golf ball
has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "OK. Let's say our game goes late, the sun
goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do
then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "You see, this ball is florescent. I'll
be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks,
"Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that, anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebq55/the_golfball_that_cannot_be_lost/
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Samurai Competition

Once upon a time, the Emperor of the Rising Sun decided he needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a proclamation throughout the world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to show him his skills. The Japanese samurai opens a matchbox and produces a bumblebee
*Whoosh* goes his sword. The bumblebee is chopped in half.
"Impressive" says the Emperor. "Chinese samurai, your turn"
The Chinese samurai steps forward, opens his matchbox and out pops a fly.
*Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!* goes his sword. The fly drops dead chopped in four pieces.
"That is very impressive" says the Emperor. "But let's give the Jewish samurai to show his skill."
The Jewish samurai steps forward, opens his matchbox, and out flies the mosquito.
*Whoosh!* goes his sword. The mosquito is still flying.
Disappointed, the Emperor says, "I'm sorry, but you didn't make the cut. You failed to kill the mosquito"
The Jewish samurai smiles and replies, "Anybody can kill a mosquito. Circumcision... now that takes skill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebpcg/samurai_competition/
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How does every black joke start?

With a look over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebkw4/how_does_every_black_joke_start/
%
What did the asshole say when he won the game?

Wrecked 'em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebjrk/what_did_the_asshole_say_when_he_won_the_game/
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Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a lake.

One yells to the other, "Hey! How do I get to the other side!?",
to which the other replies "You are on the other side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebjfk/two_blondes_are_standing_on_opposite_sides_of_a/
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Two lesbians walk into a bar...

One of them orders vodka, and the other one asks why.
She says she likes a hard liquor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebjcv/two_lesbians_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My wife is an excellent housekeeper!

Kept the house after divorce...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebi5z/my_wife_is_an_excellent_housekeeper/
%
How did the rich man get caught sleeping with the banker's wife?

He was making more deposits than withdrawls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebgm4/how_did_the_rich_man_get_caught_sleeping_with_the/
%
How many tough guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to hold the bulb, and the woah, wait... hold on a second. You looking at my girl? You looking at my girl, bro? I'll seriously knock you out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebfae/how_many_tough_guys_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
* Emo Philips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebf66/once_i_saw_this_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump_i/
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What do you do when your fish is dying?

Give it SeaPR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebbq6/what_do_you_do_when_your_fish_is_dying/
%
A man goes to the doctor..

After running tests the doctor says to the guy, "I'm sorry but I have two bits of bad news."
"The first is that you have cancer."
Guy goes "Well shit.  What's the other bad news?"
Doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's."
Guy says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ebbj4/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What's the difference between me and a tornado?

A tornado can pick up girls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eb33a/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_tornado/
%
During Ramadan, Sonic the Hedgehog is a Muslim

Because he's gotta go fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eb24p/during_ramadan_sonic_the_hedgehog_is_a_muslim/
%
How do you know heavy a chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh give it a weigh give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eb1rv/how_do_you_know_heavy_a_chilli_pepper_is/
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Do you believe in life after death?

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your mother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eayp5/do_you_believe_in_life_after_death/
%
I took a prostate exam at home, I think I failed...

I lost my pen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eayby/i_took_a_prostate_exam_at_home_i_think_i_failed/
%
A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."
The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic, think if the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports will have to reach down to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Just think about the amount of concrete and steel that would have to be used! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time, when finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are they thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing'
and how can I make them truly happy.
The Lord replied, "Do you want 2 lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eanxq/a_joke_my_dad_told_me_that_i_never_understood/
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An Old Man and His Lake

An old man went down to his lake to clear brush from a recent storm. When he arrived he found 8 beautiful women skinny dipping in the water. Seeing him the women yelled "you get out of here old man. We're staying under the water until you're long gone so you don't see a thing." Quickly the old man replied "I apologize ladies. I'm not here to spy on you. I just came to feed the alligators."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eadhf/an_old_man_and_his_lake/
%
What's Snoop Doggs favorite part of grilling?

The sizzle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6eaabk/whats_snoop_doggs_favorite_part_of_grilling/
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Which is heavier - 1000 kg of steel or 1000 kg of feathers?

Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ea9ej/which_is_heavier_1000_kg_of_steel_or_1000_kg_of/
%
"Hey, what's up?"

"It's a really good Pixar movie, you should watch it some time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ea7n2/hey_whats_up/
%
Hank Hill should become a wrestler.

He's all about pro-pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ea7d0/hank_hill_should_become_a_wrestler/
%
Why do Republicans hate sick eagles?

Because they're illegals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ea6fz/why_do_republicans_hate_sick_eagles/
%
What's E.T. short for?

His little legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ea681/whats_et_short_for/
%
I'm not a professional caddy or anything....

but I think Tiger Woods probably should've used a driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ea5ns/im_not_a_professional_caddy_or_anything/
%
Light babies are delivered by stork. Heavy babies…

Are delivered by crane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e9yda/light_babies_are_delivered_by_stork_heavy_babies/
%
I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him faster

If anything it made him more sluggish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e9y8n/i_took_the_shell_off_my_racing_snail_thinking_it/
%
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e9we9/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
%
Which cartoon character have you seen live?

Donald Duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e9vfd/which_cartoon_character_have_you_seen_live/
%
Three men are arguing 'when does life begin'

The first man goes, "At the time of conception."
The second man argues, "No, it is when the baby is born."
The the man tells them all, "No, no, no, no -- You have it all wrong. Life begins when the wife takes the children and they all leave for vacation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e9tlb/three_men_are_arguing_when_does_life_begin/
%
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life...

... but John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e9te2/and_god_said_to_john_come_forth_and_you_shall_be/
%
A young boy was being bullied as school.

The boy was alone in his room, crying, when his father walked in.
"What's wrong son?"
"There's a boy at school, he keeps teasing me and calling me a fag." he said sobbing.
The father was shocked, he didn't raise no wimp!
"Well why don't you stand up to the bully- and beat him up?"
"I can't!" said the boy
"Why Not?" asked the dad
"He's too cute!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e9td8/a_young_boy_was_being_bullied_as_school/
%
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e9s2j/what_has_4_letters_sometimes_9_letters_but_never/
%
Truly delicious tofu recipe:

1) Chuck the tofu.
2) Fry a juicy steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e9qrt/truly_delicious_tofu_recipe/
%
Did you hear about the paraplegic, gay tomato farmer?

People weren't sure if they should call him a fruit or vegetable farmer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e9krb/did_you_hear_about_the_paraplegic_gay_tomato/
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Aristotelian Logic

A guy walking down the street met his friend. The friend was reading a book.
Guy: "What are you reading?"
Friend: "It's about Aristotelian logic. Do you know what is that?"
Guy: "Not really."
Friend: "What do you have there with you?" - pointing to the shopping bags.
Guy: "Well, fish food, some kids toys..."
Friend: "Okay, since you bought fish food, by logic I may conclude you have an aquarium with fishes. Since you also bought toys I may concluse you also have a child who may feed the fish. The most important is that since you have kids you had sex with a woman and I can conclude you are straight."
Guy: "Makes sense."
Friend: "This is logic."
Amazed by logic, the guy went to the bookstore and bought a book on Aristotelian logic. After that he met another friend and was asked:
Another friend: "Hey, what you're reading?"
Guy: "It is called Aristotelian logic. You know what is that?"
Another friend: "No."
Guy: "Great. Let me explain you. Do you have fish food?"
Another friend: "No."
Guy: "So you are gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e9j8e/aristotelian_logic/
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Buying a bull

Two sisters owned a cow farm. One brunette, and one blond. They both agreed that they needed a bull but only had 600 dollars. The brunette found a bull online, and traveled 3 states over to look at the bull. The farmer said he would take no less then 599 dollars for the bull. With 1 dollar left, she had to find a way to tell her sister to hook up the trailer and come get the bull. She found a man who would send a telegraph for her.
"Can you please send a message to my sister that says 'Hook up the trailer and come get the bull'?"
"I sure can, it's 1 dollar per word"
Knowing she only had 1 dollar left, she told the man to send one single word
"Tell her "'comfortable'"
Puzzled the man asks, "How is she going to know all of that from one word?"
"My sister is blond, she'll read it slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e9g15/buying_a_bull/
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Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e9fv0/since_it_started_snowing_all_my_grandma_has_done/
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A perfect woman is like the moon

Shows up at night, disappears in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e9eeo/a_perfect_woman_is_like_the_moon/
%
Men are like spiders

Bound to have sticky hands after being on the web

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e98w3/men_are_like_spiders/
%
A lion would never drive while drunk. (Update)

Neither would a Tiger, apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e93wi/a_lion_would_never_drive_while_drunk_update/
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I hate these double standards! If a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut, but if a man does the same thing...

...He's gay. Definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e8y27/i_hate_these_double_standards_if_a_woman_sleeps/
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What's the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?

The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e8xs4/whats_the_difference_between_a_step_stool_and_a/
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9/10 Asian doctors have cataracts........

The other has a Rincoln

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e8wg7/910_asian_doctors_have_cataracts/
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While having sex ...

While having sex he suddenly stops and completely freezes.
"Whats wrong honey?", she asks.
He replies:"I've seen them do this in porn, its called buffering."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e8rql/while_having_sex/
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What does a fat ballerina wear?

A 4-4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e8oiw/what_does_a_fat_ballerina_wear/
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If you think no one cares that you're alive...

try missing a couple of payments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e8nwu/if_you_think_no_one_cares_that_youre_alive/
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My four year old son's first "knock knock" joke:

Him "Knock knock?!"
Me "Okay, who's there?"
Him "You're a *buttface.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e8lar/my_four_year_old_sons_first_knock_knock_joke/
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Why was the musical R-rated?

Because there was lots of Sax and Violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e8kyy/why_was_the_musical_rrated/
%
My 10-year old daughter just Dad joked me.

She said she was leaving to get cigarettes and never came home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e8kvt/my_10year_old_daughter_just_dad_joked_me/
%
Why was the guitarist arrested?

Because he was fingering A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e8jgz/why_was_the_guitarist_arrested/
%
Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three?

Because the sign says "No Trespassing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e8au0/why_do_mexicans_never_cross_the_border_in_groups/
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The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender
“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped
“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”
“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the point of living!”
“Yeah, what IS the point of living” the bartender grumbled
The Redditor then sat there for what felt like hours, pondering the meaning of his pitiful existence. Over the later days, he began to become erratic, asking Scientists, Men of God and even random strangers what they thought the purpose of living is.
Unsatisfied with all his answers, he climbs to the side of a bridge in hopes of throwing himself off. His feet where on the edge and he was about to jump when and old man taps his side and says to him
“Do not jump. I know the answers you seek. Look to the stars and continue onwards”
The old man the shuffled off without another word.
With renewed hope swelling in his chest, he gathers all his life savings and builds a rocket ship. Tirelessly, he worked day and night for many, many years until it was finished.
Immediately he jumped in and launched off towards the stars, aimlessly wandering space for so long that he forgot, until he landed on another planet inhabited by alien creatures.
Clambering out of the ship, he desperately asked each alien who came across his path
“Do you know? Do you know the purpose of living?”
The alien creatures could not understand what he was saying, but understood that glint of questions in his eyes like so many others that have come past. They pointed him to a nearby comet that was orbiting the planet. He climbed back into the rocket and shot off to the comet.
Upon landing, he realises that the ball of ice is completely barren, so he then decides to dig.
So he digs and he digs and he digs, but the Redditor was now an old man and those years of searching where finally taking his toll on him.
But as he gets to the center, he finds a piece of parchment with something written on it. The Redditor could feel that these were his last breaths but he was so close to the answer that plagued him his entire life.
The parchment simply read
“OP’s Mom”
The Redditor gave a faint chuckle
“The real joke is always in the comets”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e88n5/the_meaning_of_life/
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so I walked in an interview and..

.. and interviewer asks for my email password :
interviewer : What is the password of your email ?
me : it's way123
interviewer : is it 'way' or 'weigh' ?
me : The one that starts with 'f'
interviewer : There is no 'f' in way.
me : exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e87w0/so_i_walked_in_an_interview_and/
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Ramadan

Putting the SLIM back into Muslim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e86h4/ramadan/
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Blind Date

I once went on a blind date my friend set up for me. I had spoken to the girl on the phone a couple of times, nothing too deep, just about our families etc. I go to pick her up and she answered the door and she was gorgeous. I said "Sara?" She said "no I'm Tara, Sara's sister. You must be Von. Come in and I'll get Sara." Sara rolls around corner into the living room. Literally. She. Was. In. A. Fucking. Wheelchair. No mention about this from anybody. Not my buddy or her. What the Fuck...
I didn't want to seem like an asshole so I just pretended like I date girls in wheelchairs all of the time. I did my how do you do's with her family, dad says have her home by midnight. (Not gonna be a problem.)
We go to this little restaurant I picked out, kind of a small place and not much room for her wheelchair. People kept bumping her and sighing because she was kind of in the way. We didn't talk too much, just ate and got out of there. Next was the movie theater. I had to park in the last row and it was kind of a tight parking space so I had to pick her up and carry her to her chair. She had her arms around my neck and her long hair draped over my shoulder and we had this brief little moment. I kind of wanted to kiss her right then. Moment passed. We get the theater and it was an older theater so they didn't have the little handicap spaces for her to sit so she was in the aisle. Previews started and she got bumped into by several people trying to navigate the dark room. After about the tenth time I whispered if she would like to leave. She just smiled and nodded. I get her back to my car and into the front seat, we had another lingering moment. I asked if I should just take her back home, she said "it's a nice night maybe we could go for a walk in the park?" (The phrasing was not lost on me).
We get to the park and I push her around the trail that goes through the park and we just talk, and talk and talk. I find all kinds of things about her, how she lost the use of her legs, what it's like going to school, learning to drive, dating, etc. We ended up at one of the little spots at the park where you can stretch and do pull ups and sit ups. We end up on the subject of sex, I ask if she can feel down there, (yes) and how would she do it. She says she likes missionary but really liked being on top. "How would you do that?" "Well for instance I could grab these bars and pull myself up and down. So what do you think?" Heh, interesting... "Wait do you want to do it right now?" She smiles and makes a joke about me not being too bright, "Um, yes please."
I have to say that I did not see this night ending up the way it did. She is very loud and and a bit of a squirter. She also has one hell of a body and amazing upper body strength. She rocked my world. It was then that I looked at my watch and notice it was almost 2am. Oh shit! I was supposed to have her home by midnight. I get her in my car and head back to her place. My plan is to roll her up to the door, ring the doorbell and run. (18 year old me was not good with coming up with smart plans.)
We get to her place I am just about to ring the doorbell when the lights come on and the door opens and there is her father. I start stammering about how when were just walking around the park and lost track of time, "I'mverysorrysirshouldhavepaidattentiontothetime..." He looks at me and says 'hey relax man, most guys just leave her hanging out there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e86ak/blind_date/
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This guy on Call of Duty said he was going to own me just like he owned my mom last night...

... Joke's on him. I have two dads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e85bg/this_guy_on_call_of_duty_said_he_was_going_to_own/
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What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful = Against the law
Illegal = A sick bird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e8254/what_is_the_difference_between_unlawful_and/
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I'm having sexual fantasies about sleeping with my boss.

Only problem is I'm self-employed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e80ee/im_having_sexual_fantasies_about_sleeping_with_my/
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I was gonna tell you a cow joke but

[remooved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7ze6/i_was_gonna_tell_you_a_cow_joke_but/
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Barack V/s Trump

Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop, can you just imagine…
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?"
Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7yke/barack_vs_trump/
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When I was young I decided I wanted to attend medical school...

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the following alphabets:
&nbsp;
P &nbsp;N &nbsp;E &nbsp;I &nbsp;S
&nbsp;
The question asked us to rearrange the letters in a way that it would spell the most important part of the body that is most useful when straight.
&nbsp;
Those who answered *SPINE* are doctors today, and the rest of them are my friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7x4a/when_i_was_young_i_decided_i_wanted_to_attend/
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A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.

He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."
Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."
Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7vx7/a_man_was_in_a_psych_ward_for_thinking_he_was_a/
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My 9 year old daughter's joke

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7vdi/my_9_year_old_daughters_joke/
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There's a band called 1023MB.

they haven't had any gigs yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7v0q/theres_a_band_called_1023mb/
%
Things you can say about your car but not your girlfriend.

It died a week ago, but i still use some of the parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7uqh/things_you_can_say_about_your_car_but_not_your/
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A biologist is sent to prison,

The first words he says to his cell mate,  "I am the mitochondria."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7u7j/a_biologist_is_sent_to_prison/
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Any salad can be a Caesar salad....

If you stab it enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7tr9/any_salad_can_be_a_caesar_salad/
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[Request] If I tell my Calculus teacher a math joke she has never heard, I get extra credit on my final! Help me out, Reddit!

Though if I'm looking for original content, I maybe shouldn't have come to r/Jokes ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7s9h/request_if_i_tell_my_calculus_teacher_a_math_joke/
%
What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7q3z/what_do_you_call_a_dog_magician/
%
I own a vibrator powered by virgins.

I posted my phone number on gonewild.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7pyv/i_own_a_vibrator_powered_by_virgins/
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You can't cook vegetables in the microwave.

The wheelchairs don't fit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7puy/you_cant_cook_vegetables_in_the_microwave/
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Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7pst/yesterday_i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food/
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I could never date a jewish woman

Because i believe the jews have suffered enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7pbg/i_could_never_date_a_jewish_woman/
%
Terrible Headache

A patient to a doctor:
- Doc, I guess I am allergic to leather shoes. Whenever I wake up with my shoes on, I feel terrible headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7o93/terrible_headache/
%
Never trust atoms.

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7mpy/never_trust_atoms/
%
I'll always remember what my pops said before he kicked the bucket

He said "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7jt8/ill_always_remember_what_my_pops_said_before_he/
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A logician's wife is having a baby.

The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently,"so, is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician replies."yes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7jc9/a_logicians_wife_is_having_a_baby/
%
Ian's struggling with his vocabulary, so his teacher gives him a word each morning to use in a sentence.

Today, due to Ian's steady improvement the teacher decides to up the game. "Ian the word i have for you today is contagious, you have until the end of the day." Five minutes before final bell the teacher calls Ian in front of the class. Ian struts up confidently. "Well miss, I didn't even need the whole day. You see I saw the janitor painting a fence with a toothbrush at lunch time and I thought shit that's gonna take the cunt ages

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7gv5/ians_struggling_with_his_vocabulary_so_his/
%
My wife treats me like a God...

.. Every morning she places before me a burnt offering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7gog/my_wife_treats_me_like_a_god/
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My girlfriend said I'm really condescending

That means I talk down to people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7dgh/my_girlfriend_said_im_really_condescending/
%
How many vivisection researchers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They don't want you to see what they are doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e7chv/how_many_vivisection_researchers_does_it_take_to/
%
Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he can install windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e79bb/bill_gates_has_agreed_to_pay_for_trumps_wall/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e761g/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e745l/i_believe_a_lot_of_conflict_in_the_wild_west/
%
If Kim Jong Un was a girl...

Send nukes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e721n/if_kim_jong_un_was_a_girl/
%
My girlfriend treats me like God

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e71u4/my_girlfriend_treats_me_like_god/
%
A girl told me to blow my load on her face...

But when I tried, it just dribbled out and she started laughing.
I said "Hey!  Don't make fun of my shortcomings."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e715h/a_girl_told_me_to_blow_my_load_on_her_face/
%
I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican."

It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6xz0/i_dont_understand_why_some_people_say_taco_bell/
%
A probable case of human trafficking...

A flight attendant on a flight sees a suspicious looking couple on board. So she immediately reports it to the captain.
&nbsp;
*"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!"*
&nbsp;
*"There is a very pretty and graceful female passenger on board who seems rich. She looks quite frightened, and the man she is with looks like a fat, old, redheaded slob. He looks like a lecher - very sullen, mean, and dangerous."*
&nbsp;
*"We must try to save this lady, Captain!"*
&nbsp;
The Captain sighs, shaking his head in a disappointing manner, and responds,
&nbsp;
*"Patricia, I've told you before. We've resigned from United Airlines. This is Air Force One. Please learn to respect the President of the United States."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6x77/a_probable_case_of_human_trafficking/
%
What's worse, getting kicked in the balls or child birth?

Let's put it this way: No man gets kicked in the balls and asks to do it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6sfc/whats_worse_getting_kicked_in_the_balls_or_child/
%
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday…

My neighbor is dead against it…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6qco/i_built_an_electric_fence_around_my_property/
%
What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave.

At least anal browns the meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6ohw/whats_the_difference_between_anal_sex_and_a/
%
What did the wave call its grandmother?

Gamma!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6l6b/what_did_the_wave_call_its_grandmother/
%
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed…

He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear, "That’s me before the surgery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6ihf/after_a_long_night_of_making_love_the_guy_notices/
%
My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.

**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"
**Me:** "No."
**Her:** "I'll teach you one."
"Knock! Knock!"
**Me:** "Who's there?"
**Her:** "Ash."
"Now ask, Ash: who?"
**Me:** "Ash: who?"
**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."
**Me: rekt**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6i7a/my_7_yo_niece_just_dad_joked_me/
%
What happens when you mix chimpanzee and human DNA?

You get kicked out of the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6hws/what_happens_when_you_mix_chimpanzee_and_human_dna/
%
A psychic midget has escaped from prison..

Police are looking for a small medium at large.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6gw9/a_psychic_midget_has_escaped_from_prison/
%
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”

. When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6gji/when_noah_reached_land_he_threw_open_the_ark/
%
I hate people who take drugs

Mainly customs officers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6e0x/i_hate_people_who_take_drugs/
%
Friend's advice be like:

Chill dude!
Get married!
What's divorce thing that could happen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6dem/friends_advice_be_like/
%
9 out of 10 redditors are stupid

I'm glad I'm in the 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6cly/9_out_of_10_redditors_are_stupid/
%
I lost my watch

at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the face. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6bax/i_lost_my_watch/
%
My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true.

I love Michael and Not-Michael equally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6azf/my_wife_accuses_me_of_favoritism_over_my_children/
%
Italian Bodybuilder

Did you hear about the Italian Bodybuilder? He loves astrophysics! He even said:
"I love-a steroids"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e69aw/italian_bodybuilder/
%
My son asked me what a dilemma was?

"Imagine you're naked and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other...
Who you going to turn your back on?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e6413/my_son_asked_me_what_a_dilemma_was/
%
TIL the American flag on the moon is now bleached completely white by the sun so historians and/or other species would never know it was America that first landed on the moon

They'll think it was France

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e63s4/til_the_american_flag_on_the_moon_is_now_bleached/
%
My GF is like the square root of -100

A solid 10, but also imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e61d1/my_gf_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
Why does Snoop Dog use an umbrella?

Fo drizzle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e5ufy/why_does_snoop_dog_use_an_umbrella/
%
Sometimes, at the end of a long day, I like to lie in my bed, look up at the stars, and think…

"Where the fuck did my roof go?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e5qc0/sometimes_at_the_end_of_a_long_day_i_like_to_lie/
%
The train

3 engineers and 3 lawyers are taking the same train from their hometown to Memphis one day. The lawyers notice that the engineers bought only one ticket, and confused, one of them asked,"Why did you buy only one ticket for three of you?" The engineers smiled and told him to wait and see.
So the train started up and the 3 engineers quickly filed into the cabin toilet, while the 3 lawyers sit nearby the toilet to watch. The train inspector makes his rounds, and the lawyers showed their tickets readily, and when the inspector reached the toilet and asked for the ticket, a hand reached out and showed the ticket. Amazed by this trick, the lawyers decided they would try this on their trip back.
As luck would have it, the 3 engineers and 3 lawyers once again meet at the Memphis station and this time, the lawyers bought 1 ticket, wanting to do the same trick they witnessed. However, they noticed the engineers did not buy a ticket at all this time, and confused, one of the lawyers asked,"Well, how are you going to get past the inspection with no ticket?" The engineers smiled and told them to wait and see.
So the train started up and the 3 engineers filed into a toilet quickly, while the 3 lawyers cramped into the adjacent toilet. The inspector soon began making his rounds, and at this moment, one of the engineers walked outside and knocked on the lawyers' toilet, and said "Ticket please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e5o6f/the_train/
%
A man sails to visit a remote part on the coast of Ireland.

As he comes close to the harbor, he sees an enormous, absolutely gorgeous Barque, docked in its own reserved spot.  He ogles it for a minute, before docking himself and running through his checklist of things to finish before he can leave his vessel.
He finishes, gets all his things, and goes to the nearest inn to book a room.  As he walks in, he sees a man sitting behind a bar, washing glasses.
"This is a very nice place here," the traveler says.  "Would you mind letting me a room here for a couple nights?"
The man agrees, and after a bit of small talk, the traveler finds out that this man owns the place, as well as a few other establishments.  Knowing this bit of information, the traveler decides to ask for a brief history of this part of the country.
"Why sure," says the owner, "did ye walk the bridge on the path o'er here?"
"Yes, I did.  It was a very good-looking bridge," the traveler replies.
"Thank ye.  Built it me self, I did," the owner spake. "Brick by brick, stone b'stone.  But no one calls me Connor the Bridge Builder.  How about the school house ta the east?"
"I saw that too."
"Built that'n as well.  From te ground up, I did.  But ye won't hear anyone calling me Connor the School Builder.  Did ye see the barque in the harbor?"
"As a matter of fact I did.  It's a beautiful ship.  Did you build it too?" said the traveler.
"Ye guessed right," said Connor, "and yet no one calls me Connor the Boat Builder."
"But ye fuck **ONE GOAT...**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e5nxk/a_man_sails_to_visit_a_remote_part_on_the_coast/
%
i was going to tell you a cow joke

but its pasture bed time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e5nm4/i_was_going_to_tell_you_a_cow_joke/
%
Jack and Sue

The manager of a company has to make a hard choice, whether or fire Jack or Sue.  They are both superb workers, but the company has been running into hard times.
The manager decides that whomever drinks from the cooler first will be laid off the following morning.
Sue, who always comes in bright and early, had a horrible hangover from partying to hard last night, and goes to the fountain to drink some water with her advil.
The manager walks up to her, sighs and tells her, "Sue, I'm sorry.  I either have to lay you or Jack off."
Turning to face the manager, Sue smiles and says, "Please just jack off, my head is killing me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e5mhz/jack_and_sue/
%
since light moves faster then sound..

People may appear bright until you hear them speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e5l89/since_light_moves_faster_then_sound/
%
I don't like computer science jokes..

Not one bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e5ksi/i_dont_like_computer_science_jokes/
%
Did you hear about the guy who swallowed a yo yo?

He did the same shit 6 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e5ifh/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_swallowed_a_yo_yo/
%
Nobody educates the boys about their first boner…

They learn it the hard way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e5fxc/nobody_educates_the_boys_about_their_first_boner/
%
What chord do you get when you push a piano down a mine shaft?

A Flat Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e5ei4/what_chord_do_you_get_when_you_push_a_piano_down/
%
Why's Jesus so ripped?

Crossfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e56cv/whys_jesus_so_ripped/
%
Never give your kids stupid names.

You might think it’s funny but they have to live with that for the rest of their lives. Take Kanye West for example. His kids, “North” and “Saint”. They’ve got to spend their whole lives telling people that their dad is called “Kanye”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e5671/never_give_your_kids_stupid_names/
%
I bought a muzzle for my pet duck.

Nothing flashy but it fits the bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e55it/i_bought_a_muzzle_for_my_pet_duck/
%
Three logicians walk into a bar

The bartender asks them, "Do all of you guys want a drink?"
The first logician says, "I don't know."
Next, the second logician turns to the bartender and also says, "I don't know."
Then the third logician, without hesitation, says "Yes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e54fr/three_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Successful kids

Husband: "Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!"
Wife:"Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e53ut/successful_kids/
%
Dad how are babies made?

Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mums tummy.
Daughter: Does mummy swallow the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4xyj/dad_how_are_babies_made/
%
A skeleton goes into a bar...

And orders a beer and a mop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4xws/a_skeleton_goes_into_a_bar/
%
I do a lot of drugs, so they call me "Bad Teacher."

Because I'm always fucking up my pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4w2g/i_do_a_lot_of_drugs_so_they_call_me_bad_teacher/
%
What do you call a stoner king?

His highness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4vxm/what_do_you_call_a_stoner_king/
%
What happened to the dude tricked by a panda?

He was bamboo-zled!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4vg3/what_happened_to_the_dude_tricked_by_a_panda/
%
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4t4i/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
My parents treat me like a god.

They dont believe in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4rkt/my_parents_treat_me_like_a_god/
%
Do you want to hear my joke about poop?

It's pretty corny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4qw9/do_you_want_to_hear_my_joke_about_poop/
%
How far is Mars from Earth?

A few CVS receipts away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4q36/how_far_is_mars_from_earth/
%
I only sleep with democrats.

That way, I don't have to worry about the baby afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4pil/i_only_sleep_with_democrats/
%
I wish there was a medicine that could cure procrastination

Eh, who am I kidding, I'd probably put off taking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4pcx/i_wish_there_was_a_medicine_that_could_cure/
%
How to make a dog drink?

Just put it in a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4ndw/how_to_make_a_dog_drink/
%
A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer

It's September 1793, in Paris, France. A crowd of several thousand has gathered at the Place de la Concorde.
A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are lined up for execution. All three women are accused of conspiring against the Revolutionary government.
Nodding to the smiling crowd, the executioner glares to the doctor, "Will you lie face up toward the blade or face down towards the basket?"
After a short pause, "Face Up!" she replied and lay in the stocks.
The executioner locks her in place, raises his hand for silence and releases the blade.
Swoosh!
The blade flies down but jams with a squeak 2 pouce above her neck.
The crowd silenced.
"This has never happened before!" exclaims the executioner
"It's a miracle! The Supreme Being has spared you!", pausing, "You are pardoned", releasing her from the stocks.
The crowd boos.
Next the lawyer is asked, "Will you lie face up toward the blade or face down towards the basket?" - "Face Up, like the doctor!" she replied, and lays in the stocks.
The crowd cheers and cavorts staring at the scene in anticipation.
The executioner fastens her neck in place and releases the blade
Swoosh! It comes down and jams with a squeak, again just 2 pouce above the neck.
Disbelieving, the crowd and the executioner cannot believe what they are seeing.
She too is spared by the intervention of the Supreme Being and the words of the executioner.
At this point the raucously disappointed crowd is becoming near riotous.
Next the engineer...
"Will you lie face up toward the blade or face down towards the basket?" demands the executioner.
"Face Up!" replies the engineer, somewhat unsurprisingly. Before she, perhaps more happily that would be expected, climbs onto the guillotine and places her neck between the stocks.
The executioner fixes her in place and for a third and final time raises his arms to the crowd, who respond ecstatically with cheers of encouragement. His hand moves to the lever...
"Wait!" Cries the engineer, the executioner looks down at her, the crowd in perplexed hush.
"I think I see the problem"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4mic/a_doctor_a_lawyer_and_an_engineer/
%
Wanna hear a sex joke?

"Sure."
"Head."
"...I don't get it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4h3f/wanna_hear_a_sex_joke/
%
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4gqv/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4gbr/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Why did the vegetarian hot dog cross the road?

To prove he wasn't chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4fz8/why_did_the_vegetarian_hot_dog_cross_the_road/
%
Did you hear tiger woods got arrested?

Should have used his driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4fu3/did_you_hear_tiger_woods_got_arrested/
%
Did you hear the story about the girl who tried overdosing on homeopathic pills?

She survived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4f7m/did_you_hear_the_story_about_the_girl_who_tried/
%
I can count on one hand how many times I've been to Chernobyl.

It's seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4die/i_can_count_on_one_hand_how_many_times_ive_been/
%
TIL babies cry in accents

I also learned that going around making foreign babies cry is apparently looked down upon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4dhb/til_babies_cry_in_accents/
%
A black child and his father are on an airplane

The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement.
"Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A's. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane."
The little boy starts getting up but his dad stopps him. "We are not African Americans."
Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy. We must move to the B's. Will all blacks please jump out of the plane."
The boy starts getting up but his dad stops him again. "No son we are not black."
Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy, we must now move to the C's. Will all colored people please jump out the plane."
Again the boy starts getting up but his dad stops him. "No son were not colored." "But dad, if we're not African American, black, or colored, what are we?" "Son, today we're niggers and we sure as hell aint jumping before the Mexicans!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4cr6/a_black_child_and_his_father_are_on_an_airplane/
%
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise!  Surprise!  It was an Apple.
But with extremely limited memory.
Just 1 byte.
Then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e4cek/the_oldest_computer_can_be_traced_back_to_adam/
%
I walked into a Victoria's Secret a man and came out a knight.

From this day forward I shall be known as Sir- please leave you're being creepy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e49gp/i_walked_into_a_victorias_secret_a_man_and_came/
%
My wife told me 'sex is always better on holiday'.

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e43wj/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_always_better_on_holiday/
%
Some one has stolen my thesaurus.

I can't find the words to describe how angry i am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e43pc/some_one_has_stolen_my_thesaurus/
%
A professional gambler is being audited by the IRS

The old gambler man walks into the meeting with his lawyer. The IRS agent tells him he can't make all these write offs for gambling loses unless he can prove he is a professional gambler.
The old man says "alright, how about I bet you $10,000 I can bite my eye".
The agent thinks 'there is no way he can do that' and shook. The old man pops out his glass eye, sticks it in his mouth, and bites it. The agent shakes his head, but says "that still doesn't prove you're a professional gambler".
"Alright", says the old man, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. Double or nothing, I'll bite my other eye".
'He isn't blind, so there is no way he has a second glass eye' thinks the agent. He accepts the bet and they shake on it. The old man pops out his fake teeth, puts them to his head, and clamps them down around his other eye.
"Well that still doesn't prove you're a professional gambler" says the IRS agent, while shaking his head.
"Alright, I'll give you one last chance to win your money. See that trash can over in the corner of your office? Double or nothing, I can stand here and piss in that trash can without missing a drop".
The agent thinks 'that man is like 85, and that can is 12 feet away. There is absolutely no way he can make it in'. He agrees to the bet and they shake on it.
The man stands up, unzips his pants, and whips it out. He takes aim, and let's out a stream all over the office. He pees on the desk, the floor, the walls, and even the IRS agent, all while the agent is cheering that he keeps his money.
The old man's lawyer is sitting there, shaking his head in defeat. "What's wrong with you?" asks the agent.
"Today my client came into my office and bet me $75,000 he could pee all over you during the audit and you'd be happy about it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e40q1/a_professional_gambler_is_being_audited_by_the_irs/
%
Why was the spanish conductor arrested?

He had some loco motives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3xbf/why_was_the_spanish_conductor_arrested/
%
What's the only animal that has an asshole half way up its back?

A police horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3wmj/whats_the_only_animal_that_has_an_asshole_half/
%
I don't always tell dad jokes

But when i do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3vsx/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
My mum's reached the stage of her life where all she does is tell me about people that have died. "you know Doreen? She's just died. You know Margery? She's just died."

I said to her "mum, get off the roof and give me the gun"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3tzs/my_mums_reached_the_stage_of_her_life_where_all/
%
Just witnessed an attempted murder...

Luckily, one of the crows flew off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3snr/just_witnessed_an_attempted_murder/
%
My grandpa told me that my generation relies too much on technology

So I unplugged his life support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3rjy/my_grandpa_told_me_that_my_generation_relies_too/
%
I wrote an article about "The top 10 worst places to stick a fork"...

The 5th one will shock you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3paa/i_wrote_an_article_about_the_top_10_worst_places/
%
Two condoms walk into a gay bar

One says "hey, let's go get shitfaced"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3or0/two_condoms_walk_into_a_gay_bar/
%
Tiger Woods was arrested for DUI...

he was three shots over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3n4f/tiger_woods_was_arrested_for_dui/
%
A Man With No Arms Is Looking For A Job

One day, as he is looking through the paper, he stumbles across a listing for a bell ringer at the local church. He thinks "I bet I could handle that" and walks down to the church early the next morning. He walks in and the priest says "how can I help you my son?". The guy with no arms says "I wanna ring your church bell." The priest is a little surprised by his answer, and says "But my son, you have no arms!" The armless man says "Let me show you!" So, they walk all the way up the steeple and into the bell tower, and the priest says "Okay my son, have at it." The guy with no arms sprints at the bell and head butts it as hard as he can.
*BONG*
The bell sounds. The priest stands in awe. "You're hired!" He says. The guy with no arms is ecstatic. He goes to work 3 times a day to ring the bell. One day, as he's walking to work, it starts to rain. As he climbs the bell tower, and runs at the bell, he slips on some rain water that was tracked in, and falls out of the tower. A crowd gathers, and a man bends down to hold the dying man with no arms. A rather nosey lady pushes through the crowd and yells "WHO IS IT?! WHO FELL OUT OF THE TOWER?!?!!" The man slowly turns to look at her and says;
"I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3k4d/a_man_with_no_arms_is_looking_for_a_job/
%
A German man was crossing the border into France...

The French border guard asked to see his papers, as he skimmed through them he ran off a stream of questions.
"Name?"
The German smiled, "Hans Lehrer"
"Age?"
The German replied, "37"
"Occupation?"
The German shook his head,
"No, not this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3jvq/a_german_man_was_crossing_the_border_into_france/
%
What's more fucked up than fingering your sister?

Finding Dad's wedding ring in her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3itz/whats_more_fucked_up_than_fingering_your_sister/
%
The difference between 'Dinner Party' and 'Donner Party?

The meaning of 'Who is being served now?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3hwl/the_difference_between_dinner_party_and_donner/
%
I thought i could win the cheese curd eating contest.

But there was no whey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3h0l/i_thought_i_could_win_the_cheese_curd_eating/
%
I phoned the wife last night and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3flw/i_phoned_the_wife_last_night_and_asked_her_if_she/
%
Apparently saying "Black paint" is racist...

Now I have to say "Please paint the wall DeMarcus".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3e65/apparently_saying_black_paint_is_racist/
%
There's a new scam involving counterfeit copper tone sunscreen.

Police are warning the public to read the ingredient list to avoid getting burned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3dzk/theres_a_new_scam_involving_counterfeit_copper/
%
What kind of joke is the best joke?

A Communist joke, because everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3dhc/what_kind_of_joke_is_the_best_joke/
%
I used to have a touch and smell fetish

Then I came to my senses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e3b12/i_used_to_have_a_touch_and_smell_fetish/
%
A shipment of Viagra was stolen this morning at the city docks

Police say they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e376x/a_shipment_of_viagra_was_stolen_this_morning_at/
%
What sound does an airplane make when it bounces on a trampoline?

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e359p/what_sound_does_an_airplane_make_when_it_bounces/
%
You dig, we dig, she digs, he digs, they dig...

It's not a particularly beautiful poem but it's really deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e318z/you_dig_we_dig_she_digs_he_digs_they_dig/
%
My wife left me because of my poker addiction.

It could also be a bluff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e30i8/my_wife_left_me_because_of_my_poker_addiction/
%
What's the difference between being horny and being hungry?

Where you put the cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e2zjr/whats_the_difference_between_being_horny_and/
%
Reddit upvoted me because I'm too insecure.

Oh wait it's just because I reposted the same dumb joke as last week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e2tso/reddit_upvoted_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
What's the difference between a potato and your sister?

Ones is fat, lumpy and full of carbs. The other is a potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e2rei/whats_the_difference_between_a_potato_and_your/
%
What is a lake?

A son of a beach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e2pvk/what_is_a_lake/
%
My girlfriend said that she wanted to split up because I acted too much like a detective

I said "good idea, we'll cover more ground!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e2pkz/my_girlfriend_said_that_she_wanted_to_split_up/
%
Three guys find a magic mirror.

When suddenly a ghostly figure appears and says ask for any body modification and I shall make it happen.
The first man asks for a 10 inch penis and like magic it happend.
The second man thinks this is a good idea and asks for a 15 inch penis and long behold it happend.
The third man also thinks this a good idea and asks   'I want my penis to touch the ground!' then suddenly his legs disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e2ouf/three_guys_find_a_magic_mirror/
%
Knock knock: who's there?

Granddad.
Shit stop the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e2oto/knock_knock_whos_there/
%
One mans trash, is another mans treasure.

Phenomenal, well thought out phrase, but horrible way to find out you're adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e2nu0/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
We now have the technology to build a new penis.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.  "We're getting granite counter tops.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e2mrm/we_now_have_the_technology_to_build_a_new_penis/
%
Two Bananas

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd goes floating by. The turd calls out "hey fellas, come on in! The water feels great!" One banana looks at the other and says "do you believe that shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e2mce/two_bananas/
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A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e2m7d/a_lion_would_never_drive_while_drunk/
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I broke a finger yesterday

But on the other hand, I'm fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e2ir6/i_broke_a_finger_yesterday/
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A masochist walks up to a sadist and says, 'Beat me mercilessly'...

Sadist: 'No'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e2f2o/a_masochist_walks_up_to_a_sadist_and_says_beat_me/
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My son wanted me to buy him GTA

When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives  cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e2aeo/my_son_wanted_me_to_buy_him_gta/
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My girlfriend said that i should take the spider out instead of killing it

Best date ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e24w7/my_girlfriend_said_that_i_should_take_the_spider/
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When interviewing the police officers involved in Tiger Woods' arrest, they told how they came to suspect he was under the influence.

"Simple" The officer responded. "It was the straightest drive he's had in years. We knew right away something was up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e23kl/when_interviewing_the_police_officers_involved_in/
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Why don't couples go to the gym?

Because most relationships don't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e22cs/why_dont_couples_go_to_the_gym/
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What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac?

Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 100 yards without hitting a tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e1x8h/whats_the_difference_between_a_golf_ball_and_a/
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Why are gynecology students the most well-travelled?

They have to study a broad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e1t2v/why_are_gynecology_students_the_most_welltravelled/
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What did the handless boy get for Christmas?

Gloves.
Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e1stf/what_did_the_handless_boy_get_for_christmas/
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You call it necrophilia....

But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e1otw/you_call_it_necrophilia/
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Why do blondes wear pants?

To keep their ankles warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e1lcm/why_do_blondes_wear_pants/
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A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.

The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.
The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e1iqu/a_blonde_gets_on_an_airplane_and_sits_down_in_the/
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If you build a man a fire,

he'll be warm for a day.
If you set a man on fire, he'll be warm the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e1hjy/if_you_build_a_man_a_fire/
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[NSFW] My wife said she wants to try something different tonight by sticking her fingers up my butt.

That's not different though, she's always been a pain in my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e1h8w/nsfw_my_wife_said_she_wants_to_try_something/
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a hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky".

He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e1h0l/a_hooker_says_hey_padre_twenty_dollars_for_a/
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Jesus, Chuck Norris, and Moses decided to go fishing...

Out on the water they realized they forgot their food. Jesus says," I'm sure hungry I'm going to go get a sandwich." Stands up, walks across the water and gets a sandwich. Chuck Norris decided he was hungry too. Gets up, walks across the water and gets a sandwich. Moses thinks he hungry too, steps out of the boat, and falls in and is barely staying above water. Jesus looks at Chuck and says, " You think we should tell him about the stepping stones?"
Chuck Norris asks," what stepping stones?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e1epx/jesus_chuck_norris_and_moses_decided_to_go_fishing/
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Which superhero loves to whip out his junk in public?

The Flash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e1c38/which_superhero_loves_to_whip_out_his_junk_in/
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Once upon a time, there was a little boy who lived in a small rural town...

Once upon a time, there was a little boy who lived in a small rural town. There was nothing to do there, so to pass the time, he liked to make paper boats and float them in puddles when it rained.
One year, a huge rainstorm hit, and the boy’s town was completely flooded. The town elders gathered in the town hall, debating how to get everyone to safety. The little boy wasn’t worried, though. He went to the local library and checked out all of the books. Tearing the pages out, he taped them together into a giant paper sailboat!
The whole town climbed aboard and they sailed off. The paper boat held water! But soon, hunger set in--they had forgotten to take any food with them. Luckily, they soon found a flooded supermarket, filled with enough cans of food to last them well over a year.
The rain stopped, but the floodwaters remained. As the paper ark sailed, the people found the flooded ruins of libraries, and more supermarkets. Using of the paper from the libraries, the humble paper sailboat became a paper barge, and eventually a huge floating paper city. All of the canned food from the supermarkets was enough to feed thousands of people for their entire lifetimes. Not knowing what to do with it all, they built a giant paper cornucopia in the paper town square, overflowing with cans of nonperishable food for everyone to enjoy.
After five years had gone by, the lookout spotted a speck on the horizon. Floating closer, they found a tiny village comprised of wooden shacks along wooden boardwalks. But the away party found it completely deserted, so the paper city floated away, its citizens puzzled.
Five more years passed. Then, the lookout spotted another speck on the horizon. This time, it was a sizable town made entirely of bricks. Again, it appeared to be completely abandoned. The away party scoured the buildings for supplies, but found nothing, so they sailed off.
After twenty years had passed in all, the lookout spotted something gleam on the horizon. The citizens of the floating city were overjoyed; maybe finally they would meet some other people.
And this time, they were in luck! There was an enormous city built entirely of shining metal, with metal streets and metal skyscrapers, with metal boats docked at a metal pier.
The floating paper city dropped anchor nearby, and a small landing party went ashore. The little boy who had made the first paper boats, all grown up now, was among them. He wandered the bustling streets of the vast metal metropolis. He saw metal houses, metal office buildings, and metal stores. Wandering inside a metal supermarket, he saw racks of fresh fruit! After eating nothing but canned food for most of his life, this was very exciting. He picked up a bright red apple and took a bite--it was delicious.
But a moustached man grabbed his shoulder. "Just what do you think you’re doing? This is my store! Do people just take food without asking where you’re from?"
Taken aback, the tourist responded. "Actually, we share everything. No one goes hungry, and we’ve done pretty well for ourselves if I do say so myself."
"Oh, you must be one of them floaters. Well, I don’t care how well your communism works on paper, but it can stay there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e19qo/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_little_boy_who_lived/
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How many dyslexic people does it take to change a light bulb?

Steven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e191k/how_many_dyslexic_people_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e18or/i_can_always_tell_just_by_looking_when_someone_is/
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When you getting it on but she says the wrong name

My name isn't Help

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e15jw/when_you_getting_it_on_but_she_says_the_wrong_name/
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What day is the best for punk and rock music?

A green one apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e1552/what_day_is_the_best_for_punk_and_rock_music/
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I call my weed the Quran, ...

because burning that shit will get you stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e14kw/i_call_my_weed_the_quran/
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My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo

So I put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e13h1/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
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How does a woman turn a man into a millionaire?

She marries a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e1278/how_does_a_woman_turn_a_man_into_a_millionaire/
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How did the WannaCry hackers get away?

They ransomware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e10qi/how_did_the_wannacry_hackers_get_away/
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I hate it when I run out of toilet paper

and I have to make the trip to the grocery store in really small steps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0zjn/i_hate_it_when_i_run_out_of_toilet_paper/
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Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol

looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0zdc/did_anyone_notice_that_the_symbol/
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"Ha! i killed all your black guys!"

Said my son, playing a lovely chess game with me.
^^*true ^^story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0tmc/ha_i_killed_all_your_black_guys/
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Women's Guide To Understanding Men

If a guy says to you, "You're cute" - he's looking at your face.
If a guy says to you, "You're hot" - he's looking at your body.
If a guy says to you, "You're fabulous" - he's looking at your brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0sbw/womens_guide_to_understanding_men/
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My wife scolded me about how much I drink..

She says... For God sakes! You ever imagine the damage you're doing to your health? Not to mention all the money you've spent? How much money do you think you've spent so far?
I say... Idk.. hic..
She says: how much is a bottle of Jack Honey?
I reply: idk... like $24.99?
She says... You drink a bottle a day! That's $8900 a year! Jesus christ.. You've been drinking everyday since I met you! that's 10 years! That's $88900!! You know how much you could have done with that money? A down payment on a house... investments... a nice new car like the corvette you've always dreamed of?
Ashamed I sit there and ponder. My wife looks disgusted. I ask her... you don't drink?
NO! she replies quickly...
Not even a little bit?
Not a single drop!! she says...
So I say.... Look I'm not happy with myself... but.... where the hell is your Corvette?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0q6p/my_wife_scolded_me_about_how_much_i_drink/
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Why dont chickens wear underwear?

Because their peckers on their head!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0pw0/why_dont_chickens_wear_underwear/
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Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and go seek.

it's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.Pascle runs off and hides. Newton draws a one metre by one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! i found you! You are it!"
Newton Smiles and says "You didn't find me, you found a newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0onw/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_playing_hide_and/
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Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0oc6/is_google_male_or_female/
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Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king
Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing
Mom : which one will put you to sleep?
Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son
Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?
Son : let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0oa5/best_son_ever/
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What do passwords and teenagers have in common?

They are both insecure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0o62/what_do_passwords_and_teenagers_have_in_common/
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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?

I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0len/do_you_ever_wake_up_kiss_the_person_sleeping/
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Why did the military use acid?

To neutralise the enemy base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0ijc/why_did_the_military_use_acid/
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What do you call an uncertain beach?

I'm not shore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0hxe/what_do_you_call_an_uncertain_beach/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, it woke up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0hqj/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
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Today I realized I have a bit of a logic fetish....

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0hou/today_i_realized_i_have_a_bit_of_a_logic_fetish/
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I used to use the word Alternative in sentences a lot...

But then I learned it meant something different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0hfe/i_used_to_use_the_word_alternative_in_sentences_a/
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Arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pigeon.

No matter how smart you are, or how good you are at chess, they're still going to knock over all the pieces and poop on the board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0h4c/arguing_with_an_idiot_is_like_playing_chess_with/
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OK guys we need stop the FAT-shaming

All filesystems are beautiful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0f3z/ok_guys_we_need_stop_the_fatshaming/
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A teacher asked her students to use definitely in a sentence.

Mrs. Durst asked her students to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny's hand shot straight up.
Mrs. Durst decided to ignore Johnny because he was always saying nottty things.
She called on Lindsay and she said "the sky is definitely blue"
And the teacher replied "well the sky isn't definitely  blue, sometimes it's gray and cloudy or orange on sunsets, but great sentence!"
Little Johnny's hand shoots right up again, higher then before, but Mrs Durst ignores him.
Then the teacher calls on Kevin and he said "the grass is definitely green"
Mrs durst told him "great sentence but grass can sometimes be yellow"
Mrs Durst ask if any other students want to try, and little Johnny's hand goes right up. Finally Mrs. Durst calls on him.
Johnny says "are farts lumpy"
And the teacher dumbfounded says "no Johnny farts aren't lumpy"
Quickly he replies "then I definitely shit my pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0ci2/a_teacher_asked_her_students_to_use_definitely_in/
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How many kids does it take with ADD to change a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0cec/how_many_kids_does_it_take_with_add_to_change_a/
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What do you call a super hero completely made of ice?

Justice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0b9z/what_do_you_call_a_super_hero_completely_made_of/
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I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.

I am now independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e04ri/i_got_a_picture_of_myself_in_a_locket_for_my_18th/
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My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e04ir/my_wife_left_me_because_i_am_too_insecure/
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My girlfriend yelled at me

"I can't stand it anymore! I'm sick of your stupid and cheesy jokes! I'm leaving!"
"Gouda," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e03g6/my_girlfriend_yelled_at_me/
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Did you hear about the teen suicide figures throughout the Muslim community?

It's exploded in the past few years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6e0117/did_you_hear_about_the_teen_suicide_figures/
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzzd5/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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My psychiatrist told me my superiority complex turned into a delusion of inferiority.

Great.  Now I'm the least of my problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzy9t/my_psychiatrist_told_me_my_superiority_complex/
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Had a fight with my girlfriend last night in which she called me a "F***ING PEDOPHILE!"

I mean, who the hell teaches 3rd graders words like that?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzxhz/had_a_fight_with_my_girlfriend_last_night_in/
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Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

Because it's two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzvgv/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
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I Can't Remember What 51, 6, & 500 Is In Roman Numerals

I'm LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzt78/i_cant_remember_what_51_6_500_is_in_roman_numerals/
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What do vegetarian zombies eat?

GRAINS!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzs65/what_do_vegetarian_zombies_eat/
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After reading this joke, you will quit cheating forever

Two years ago, I applied for a job at a major conpqny. They called me in for an interview with the board of directors, and it went pretty well. The next day I got a call... it was the vice president on the line!
"Listen, sir", he told me, "you left me very impressed yesterday. But we're still left with another candidate with very similar education and work background, impressive interview... it's practically a tie between you two. So, the Board of Directors has decided to have you both come in to answer a ten question test about our company. Whoever gets the higher score will get the job".
So the next morning I went to the his office. The other candidate was there - he looked really too smart. So we were told to sit down at two desks, side by side, and were given the test.
After we finished the test, the vice president calls me back into his office. "Listen... we've scored the tests. You both got nine out of ten, and both missed question #5. But unfortunately we're going to have to pick the other guy."
"What? Why?" I asked, shocked. "But we got the same question wrong!"
"Yes," he answered, "but it had more to do with your answers to #5. The other candidate answered, 'I don't know', and you answered 'Neither do I'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzs3c/after_reading_this_joke_you_will_quit_cheating/
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People say I'm crazy, but I regularly see my therapist...

It's a shame that she died years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzpk5/people_say_im_crazy_but_i_regularly_see_my/
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What do you call an Italian hooker?

A Pasta-tute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzn2t/what_do_you_call_an_italian_hooker/
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What do you get when you spell man backwards?

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzma4/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
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Atheism and religion are but two sides of the same coin

One prefers to use ts head, while the other relies on tales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzlwb/atheism_and_religion_are_but_two_sides_of_the/
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I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt...

So, I made a move on her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzkjn/i_saw_this_really_fit_girl_in_the_nightclub_last/
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The math teacher asks little john

"If you have 5 apples and  James takes 3 from you, what will you have ? "
little john : a fight sir !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzkd7/the_math_teacher_asks_little_john/
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I experienced a virtual rollercoaster while eating an apple.

Shook me to the core.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzjsm/i_experienced_a_virtual_rollercoaster_while/
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A guy at my work caught a bug from a revolving door.

It's going around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzgvw/a_guy_at_my_work_caught_a_bug_from_a_revolving/
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Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dzfjd/infinitely_many_mathematicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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My Girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship

But I still wish she didn't have one at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dz66r/my_girlfriend_assured_me_that_a_small_penis/
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What did the busy BDSM enthusiast say to avoid coming into work?

"Sorry, my hands are tied!" ^^im ^^^so ^^^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dz4tf/what_did_the_busy_bdsm_enthusiast_say_to_avoid/
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Why don't black guys get sunburnt?

Prisons are indoors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dz3lf/why_dont_black_guys_get_sunburnt/
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Jesus

A teenage boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut.'
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dyzuc/jesus/
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I get ignored so much

My name should be terms and conditions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dyvko/i_get_ignored_so_much/
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Guy to girlfriend: I bet you can't make me happy and sad at the same time.

Girlfriend: You have the biggest penis out of all of your friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dytf1/guy_to_girlfriend_i_bet_you_cant_make_me_happy/
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"Using a Dildo"

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dylzu/using_a_dildo/
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"May I interview you?"

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dyl4c/may_i_interview_you/
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A man sees a beautiful woman...

...and he asks her: would you be willing to sleep with me if I pay you 1,000,000 dollars?
She blushes, and replies: I guess so.
He then says: What about for 20 dollars?
The woman is greatly offended and replies indignantly: What kind of woman do you think I am??
He: We’ve already established that. Now we’re just negotiating the price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dyigo/a_man_sees_a_beautiful_woman/
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My total perv of a friend asked if I could get my hands on some used tampons

I told him, "Yeah, I think I could pull some strings"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dygnr/my_total_perv_of_a_friend_asked_if_i_could_get_my/
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"Should I be concerned about eating genetically modified tomatoes?"

Tomato: "No"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dybed/should_i_be_concerned_about_eating_genetically/
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"I'd like to return this gum, it tastes awful"

"Um, sir, those are bandaids."
"I'd like to return these bandaids. I think someone ate some."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dyb4u/id_like_to_return_this_gum_it_tastes_awful/
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Life's been a bit weird lately.

A while back I showed up late to a dinner at my hot lesbian neighbours. They forgave me, and eventually we got chatting about my birthday. They asked me what I wanted for it. Answer was pretty obvious, I told them I wanted a watch. They giggled a bit, and eventually agreed.
I think they were just teasing me though, its been a week since my birthday and I still can't tell the time.
Seen two girls have sex though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dy9v0/lifes_been_a_bit_weird_lately/
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What's the only food that can trigger a feminazi?

Gender roles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dy80b/whats_the_only_food_that_can_trigger_a_feminazi/
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What is trump's plan against global warming?

Nuclear winter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dy6vv/what_is_trumps_plan_against_global_warming/
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Today a beautiful girl offered to have sex with me.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super-strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon or vanilla scent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dy5m2/today_a_beautiful_girl_offered_to_have_sex_with_me/
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Racecar backwards is racecar but racecar sideways

Is how Paul Walker died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dy57w/racecar_backwards_is_racecar_but_racecar_sideways/
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There are so many gay guys

It's hard to keep em all straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dy309/there_are_so_many_gay_guys/
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What do a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my Mom is gonna kill me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dy2fj/what_do_a_pregnant_teenage_girl_and_her_baby_have/
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"Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

She can scream all she wants, I'm not giving her my fucking umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxwbn/give_it_to_me_she_yelled_im_so_fucking_wet_give/
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I don't know why y'all think Jesus Christ is coming back.

They didn't nail him to a fucking boomerang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxvy7/i_dont_know_why_yall_think_jesus_christ_is_coming/
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If life gives you melons...

You may be dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxqiw/if_life_gives_you_melons/
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So a guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a lil short dude, approximately a foot in height, playing the piano.
He ignores it and orders his beer. And another. And then yet another. After a few beers he notices the wee man playing again, and decides to ask the bartender, "Where in the world did you happen to find a foot tall dude to play the piano?"
Frustrated, the bartender says, "Psshh.. I just threw it out in the trash out back, but I rubbed a lamp and got a Genie's wish."
The man didn't believe him, but then again he hadn't ever seen a foot tall person before. He chugged another beer and went out back to find this magical lamp.
Aha! He found it! So he rubs it and the Genie appears saying, "I'm not your average Genie.. I'll grant you ONE wish, so make it good!"
After a bit of pondering, the man says "I want a million bucks!" Suddenly, a million ducks are flying everywhere, shitting all over the place.
Pissed off, the man storms into the bar and says "what kinda sick joke is this!?"
To which the bartender replies, "Listen pal... you think I'd wish for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxpdy/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What does pasta say when it's done praying?

Ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxnst/what_does_pasta_say_when_its_done_praying/
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What did Mickey Mouse yell when the president was about to be shot?

Donald!! Duck!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxns1/what_did_mickey_mouse_yell_when_the_president_was/
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer today

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxjb2/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_today/
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What did the buffalo say to his son just before he passed away?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxhqb/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_just_before/
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What thinks the unthinkable?

An itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxhmt/what_thinks_the_unthinkable/
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Bubba and his two assholes

Bubba dies in a fiery car crash. His body is taken to the morgue to have an autopsy. The mortician asks his two friend to come to the morgue. He asks his first friend to come in and identify the body. His first friend asks the mortician to turn the body over and spread his butt cheeks. "No that is not him" said the first friend. The mortician was curious but just asked him to bring Bubbas other friend in. To the morticians surprise his other friend asked the same thing. "Flip him over and spread his butt cheeks." The mortician did this and his other friend said "No thats not him." The mortician was so curious as to how he knew it was not Bubba he asked how he knew. Bubbas friend said "Bubbas got two assholes." The mortician even more curious asked him what he was talking about. His friend explained that everytime they all walked into town every person would say "Hey look there's Bubba and those two assholes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxh0n/bubba_and_his_two_assholes/
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Dark humor never gets old.

Kinda like a kid with cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxg29/dark_humor_never_gets_old/
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I told the mods about my idea to start a Harambe mega-thread.

But they shot it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxfor/i_told_the_mods_about_my_idea_to_start_a_harambe/
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Why don't infants have as much fun in infancy

As adults do in adultery?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxc7h/why_dont_infants_have_as_much_fun_in_infancy/
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They say Kim-Jong Un has read every book.

That must be why they call him the supreme reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxbdk/they_say_kimjong_un_has_read_every_book/
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If you call a girl pretty, she'll forget after a day.

If you call a girl fat, she'll never forget it, because elephants never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dxatp/if_you_call_a_girl_pretty_shell_forget_after_a_day/
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The New Priest

The new priest, at his first mass, was so afraid he could hardly speak. Before his next service, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. "Next week", said the Monsignor, "it may help if you add some gin to the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly."
That Sunday the young priest put his elder's suggestion to the test and really talked up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor if he liked it. The Monsignor replied, "There are 9 things you should learn before addressing the congregation again,
1. Next time, sip rather than gulp the gin.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There are twelve disciples, not ten.
4. David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit outta him.
5. We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ and his disciples as J.C. and the boys.
6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a Peter pulling contest at Taffy's
7. We do not refer to the cross as the big t.
8. The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost are not known as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
9. Last but not least, it's the Virgin Mary, not the Mary with the Cherry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dx9so/the_new_priest/
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A man was run over by a truck on his way to the movies

He didn't see the trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dx6f5/a_man_was_run_over_by_a_truck_on_his_way_to_the/
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What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am
We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:
1. Illegal Downloading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dx680/what_is_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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[Long] Reposted joke

So there's this guy named Theodore. As a child, he was rather tough, almost on the gangster side, but kept to the rules so he wouldn't face too much punishment. In college, he studied a bit of law, and often worked out at the gym. Although he dropped out of college early, he was the perfect candidate for the firms operating in the dirty business of vehicle repossession.
Theodore was hired almost immediately when he applied to one of these companies, and did his job very well. From his bit of law study, he knew that although he should perform repossessions peacefully, if there was no other option he was authorized to use violence and force. He had no problem with this, and he gained reputation rather quickly. Whenever there was a difficult customer, Ted would be sent out to deal with the issue. All of the workers in this business knew this fearful menace, and he became known as...
Repos-Ted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dx5la/long_reposted_joke/
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Don't spell part backwards...

It's a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dx4ch/dont_spell_part_backwards/
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I want to be a counterfeiter when I grow up!

I hear they make good money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dx42b/i_want_to_be_a_counterfeiter_when_i_grow_up/
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What did the sad mathematician use to kill himself?

A hypotenuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dx1eg/what_did_the_sad_mathematician_use_to_kill_himself/
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How did the interrogators get the black man to talk?

They took him to the movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dx1cx/how_did_the_interrogators_get_the_black_man_to/
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What do you call a bunch of musical condoms?

A rubber band

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dx05d/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_musical_condoms/
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What do you call a spy in debt?

Bond. James' Bond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dwxw0/what_do_you_call_a_spy_in_debt/
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Fucking hate finger food

Too many bones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dww88/fucking_hate_finger_food/
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A woman can turn a man into a millionaire...

but only if he is a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dwt7a/a_woman_can_turn_a_man_into_a_millionaire/
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Why did Death come to r/jokes looking for a redditor with the username Oast?

Like everyone here on r/jokes, he came to reap Oast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dwsh8/why_did_death_come_to_rjokes_looking_for_a/
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My girlfriend asked if I could get her pregnant from across the room.

It's a long shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dwsaz/my_girlfriend_asked_if_i_could_get_her_pregnant/
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So a guy is about to propose to his girlfriend and has already spoken to his father-in-law-to be.

The only problem is that his girlfriend's gorgeous little sister is always flirting with him and he finds it hard to ignore.
One night he gets a text from the younger sister telling him to stop over at her place for a talk. When he arrives, she invites him in and confesses that she is desperately in love with him and that if they are going to act on their feelings for each other, they have to do it now before he proposes. She says she will go upstairs to her room and wait for him and he is welcome to come up. If not, she won't hold it against him.
As soon as she is out of sight the man abruptly turns on his heel and walks right out the front door.
He is met just outside by his father-in-law who says: "I knew you wouldn't do it! I'd be glad to call you my son."
The moral of the story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dws2n/so_a_guy_is_about_to_propose_to_his_girlfriend/
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So I got a tattoo of a 100 dollar bill on my dick

Wanted to see how fast my wife could blow $100.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dwru9/so_i_got_a_tattoo_of_a_100_dollar_bill_on_my_dick/
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My sister was getting curious...

My younger sister asked my dad: "What does the phrase 'the birds and the bees' mean?"
My dad replied, "Well, they have the same relationship that trees and flowers have."
"What is that supposed to mean?" my sister exclaimed, to which my dad replied:
"They both beat around the bush."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dwr2h/my_sister_was_getting_curious/
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I've been so stressed that I started doing that Chinese needle therapy. You know the one...

Heroin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dwq4p/ive_been_so_stressed_that_i_started_doing_that/
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Why don't Jews believe in the New Testament?

Because they won't buy a book unless it's 50% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dwo60/why_dont_jews_believe_in_the_new_testament/
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Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dwntu/today_my_stoner_friend_used_my_todo_list_as_a/
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What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it?

Envelope!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dwnnx/what_starts_with_e_and_has_only_one_letter_in_it/
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Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

Because it's two tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dwfzn/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
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A husband and wife have four sons.

The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dwfi5/a_husband_and_wife_have_four_sons/
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Horror movies are always much tamer when I watch them on my iPhone

I have it set to Do Not Disturb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dwee3/horror_movies_are_always_much_tamer_when_i_watch/
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What game do kids play in the Middle East?

Jihad and seek!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dwat5/what_game_do_kids_play_in_the_middle_east/
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I had to fire the guy who installed dry wall in my house.

He screwed up the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dw9v3/i_had_to_fire_the_guy_who_installed_dry_wall_in/
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What's brown and sits on a piano?

Beethoven's last movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dw9nm/whats_brown_and_sits_on_a_piano/
%
Last year I was depressed and miserable. This year, I turned my whole life around.

Now I'm miserable and depressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dw9c8/last_year_i_was_depressed_and_miserable_this_year/
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Orange is the New Black predicted the future…

Just take a look at our President and you'll see what I mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dw8ia/orange_is_the_new_black_predicted_the_future/
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Where do lesbian white supremacists go to drink?

A klan-dyke bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dw6we/where_do_lesbian_white_supremacists_go_to_drink/
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A man and woman go into a doctor's office for a checkup.

The doc says to the man "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample".  Without missing a beat the wife says "just give em your shorts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dw6h8/a_man_and_woman_go_into_a_doctors_office_for_a/
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What happens if someone steals uranium?

It becomes theiranium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dw3mh/what_happens_if_someone_steals_uranium/
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Your son is dead...

DEAD serious...   about having his funeral tomorrow. He shot himself.
With a water gun! So I drowned him.
Drowned him with love!
That's right, I raped him to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dw3eg/your_son_is_dead/
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What's a Mexican's favorite book?

TEQUILA Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dw0lz/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_book/
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What tool do you use to open an egg?

A hatchet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvyy4/what_tool_do_you_use_to_open_an_egg/
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Philosophy joke

An instructor was introducing a class of freshmen philosophy majors to academic life. Before the end of the presentation, the instructor thought she would be nice and let the students avoid falling into conflict early on and so she said: "You have to be careful when meeting the professors to not mix up the continentals and the analytics".
So you could hear a shout from the room: "How can I recognise the continental?"
The instructor responded: "When you meet them they can't stop talking about concepts like existence, angst and phenomenology"
And then another loud shout from the first row: "How about the analytics"
The instructor responded, with a slight grin: "Oh that is easy, they can't stop talking about the continentals"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvwsh/philosophy_joke/
%
"I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger.

There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty. The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her boobs would increase by one size. So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size. Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, "I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger. Then she's walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, "Oh my god! A thousand apologies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvve0/im_sorry_and_her_boobs_got_one_size_bigger/
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I tried to buy some cough syrup earlier, but apparently you need photographic ID.

Anyhow, I solved the problem.
I bought a huge box of laxatives and took them all - now I'm far too scared to cough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvtoi/i_tried_to_buy_some_cough_syrup_earlier_but/
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A 3rd grade class is coming back from recess...

When they get into the classroom, teacher says:
'Alright, we have a new student today, so we'll start this class  nice and easy with a small discussion - what did you do during recess?'
The new student looked very nervous, so the teacher decided to start with someone else.
'How about you start us off Tim.'
'I was blowing bubbles' said Tim.
'Very nice!' said the teacher. 'Jerry, how about you?'
'I was also blowing bubbles' said Jerry.
'Oh, nice!' said the teacher. 'Now, how about our new student-- oh I'm sorry, I believe I've forgotten your name. Would you remind me?'
'My name is Chris' he says, 'But for some reason, everyone keeps calling me Bubbles.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvtcl/a_3rd_grade_class_is_coming_back_from_recess/
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Why don't you fart in the Apple Store?

Because they don't have Windows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvrwb/why_dont_you_fart_in_the_apple_store/
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"Just how do you guys do it?

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvrlc/just_how_do_you_guys_do_it/
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I know how to make a small fortune from gambling

start with a large fortune

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvqgc/i_know_how_to_make_a_small_fortune_from_gambling/
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The bartender says " if you want to get a fruit punch then you have to wait in line"

But there was no punch line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvqf7/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_fruit_punch/
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Darkened Room

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvok0/darkened_room/
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Two asians ran a race..

It was a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvnpn/two_asians_ran_a_race/
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A quarter acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people,

But to me it's a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvmv7/a_quarter_acre_of_undeveloped_land_may_not_seem/
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Today I donated my watch, my phone and $500 to a poor guy.

You don't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvl0x/today_i_donated_my_watch_my_phone_and_500_to_a/
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How many Push-Ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvjko/how_many_pushups_can_chuck_norris_do/
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I have a personal genie.

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvjdb/i_have_a_personal_genie/
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3 men die and go to heaven

"Sorry boys," says saint Peter, "it's kinda full up here. You have try out. Come back up here with 20 pieces  of the same fruit."
The men go down to earth, searching valiantly for the freshest fruit to bring to God.
The first man returns with 20 apples. "Apples, picked from the trees of the great American Planes."
"Great!" Said St. Peter, "shove them up your butt. You get all 20, you can come into heaven."
The man tries and fails after 3.
The  second man comes up and with grapes. "Freshest I could find" says the man.
"Great!" Says st. Peter. "Shove then up your butt. If you get them all, you can enter heaven."
The man got 18 and then laughed and they all fell out.
"You were so close! What happened?" Asked St. Peter, clearly dismayed
The man, still cracking up, "the next guy had watermelons!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvdbo/3_men_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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My girlfriend left me...

So now I'm left alone with my wife and two kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dvc62/my_girlfriend_left_me/
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A woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for cyanide.

The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.
"Why would you want to get cyanide?"
The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."
The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't do this for you. I would lose my license and you and I would go to prison for this."
Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and a woman going into a motel. Upon closer inspection the woman in the picture was the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the woman and says, "Why didn't you just say you had a prescription?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dva0h/a_woman_goes_to_the_pharmacy_and_asks_for_cyanide/
%
I found a wallet today and thought to myself, "Self, what would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dv8tv/i_found_a_wallet_today_and_thought_to_myself_self/
%
If you're Russian when you enter the bathroom what are you?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dv8nv/if_youre_russian_when_you_enter_the_bathroom_what/
%
They say ugly girls have great personalities...

That's because ogres have layers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dv81x/they_say_ugly_girls_have_great_personalities/
%
The barman says "we don't allow time travellers in here".

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dv7ut/the_barman_says_we_dont_allow_time_travellers_in/
%
My dad said he unscrambled a word out of the directions on his compass.

That's news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dv728/my_dad_said_he_unscrambled_a_word_out_of_the/
%
What is the only meal served in nuclear power stations?

Fission chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dv624/what_is_the_only_meal_served_in_nuclear_power/
%
I saw a sign...

It said "Slow." I thought "What did you just call me!?" Then I saw a Stop sign and thought "If you think you can tell me what to do right after an insult, you have grossly overestimated your power!"
Then I got T-Boned by a Cop car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dv4ar/i_saw_a_sign/
%
What do girls call men that are shorter than 6 feet tall?

Friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dv4aa/what_do_girls_call_men_that_are_shorter_than_6/
%
A man walks into a bar ...

The first thing the man sees is a big jug of twenty dollar bills.
He asks the bartender "What is with the jug"
"Oh it's for a competition, you have to give me twenty dollars and complete three tasks, if you complete them all then you will win the whole jug." the bartender responds with.
"Then what are the three tasks."
"The first one is you have to take 5 shots of vodka, the second one is you have to clip my mean dogs toe nails, and the third is, my grandma lives upstairs she is very old and as a gift she would like to have pleasure for one more night." he responds.
Instantly the man responds with a no and they carry on with their business.
As the night goes on the man keeps on drinking until he get very drunk and decides he will do the challenge.
He easily and completes the first challenge and moves on to the second.
The man makes it to the back where the dog is and closes the door.
There are a bunch of rumbles until the man comes out and says "Now where's the grandma that needs her toe nails cut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dv43y/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The cellphone goes off in class...

Bully: "Aww, Is your Mommy calling you?"
The class emerges in snickers.
You: "Nope. Yours is."
The class becomes silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dv3oj/the_cellphone_goes_off_in_class/
%
What's the difference between a calendar and you?

The calendar has a future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dv283/whats_the_difference_between_a_calendar_and_you/
%
I bought a book on procrastination.

Never got around to reading it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6duzek/i_bought_a_book_on_procrastination/
%
Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."
Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running
toward the window.
Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6duvt5/kim_jong_un_and_vladimir_putin_were_having_a/
%
What is a feminist's favorite math class?

Triggernometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dusgh/what_is_a_feminists_favorite_math_class/
%
Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm

The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"
The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6duo91/guy_with_a_lisp_turns_up_to_a_dinner_party/
%
Why did the mathematician lie adjacent to the hippopotamus?

Cos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6duo1u/why_did_the_mathematician_lie_adjacent_to_the/
%
Dogs operating XRays cannot detect brain tumours.

But CAT scan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dunxs/dogs_operating_xrays_cannot_detect_brain_tumours/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dumjv/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_decide_to_go_on_a/
%
My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6duki8/my_wife_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_saying_this/
%
A friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a gang of mime artists last night...

They did unspeakable things to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6duihv/a_friend_of_mine_was_sexually_assaulted_by_a_gang/
%
What do you call Bob Ross's kid?

A happy little mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dufpi/what_do_you_call_bob_rosss_kid/
%
I asked this girl out and she said "but you're like my brother."

So I replied: "are you saying you're into incest?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dufjs/i_asked_this_girl_out_and_she_said_but_youre_like/
%
My ex-wife told all her friends I had a small penis...

...she was quite a bit shocked when they all disagreed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dudfm/my_exwife_told_all_her_friends_i_had_a_small_penis/
%
I don't get why people say Jesus will come back...

It's not like he was nailed to a boomerang or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dub4n/i_dont_get_why_people_say_jesus_will_come_back/
%
An elementary school teacher is asking a student a Maths question

Teacher: "Ok, Jimmy. If I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"
Jimmy: "Five!"
Teacher: "No, Jimmy. Let me ask you another way. If I give you two apples and I give you another two apples, how many apples would you have?"
Jimmy: "Four!"
Teacher: "Good, Jimmy! Now if I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"
Jimmy: "Five!"
Teacher: "Jimmy! That is incorrect! Why are you answering with five?"
Jimmy: "Because I already have a cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6duaed/an_elementary_school_teacher_is_asking_a_student/
%
Why do Elephants Paint their Toenails Red?

Why do Elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Works good doesn't it.
Why do elephants paint their balls red?
To hide in apple trees.
What's the loudest sound in the forest?
Giraffes eating apples...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6du8dp/why_do_elephants_paint_their_toenails_red/
%
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he ate his food before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6du81g/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three.

"Uno"
"Dos"
**Poof!**
The magician disappeared without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6du7g5/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
%
I hate it when

engineering students call themselves engineer.
I don't see medical students calling themselves doctor or history students calling themselves unemployed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6du6v5/i_hate_it_when/
%
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6du6qg/when_my_girlfriend_said_she_was_leaving_because/
%
Why was Dr. Jekyll banned from South Africa?

Because he was a part Hyde

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6du4at/why_was_dr_jekyll_banned_from_south_africa/
%
"I know what you have been sucking on"

My nephew has a habit of sucking his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that suck their thumbs become fat.
At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been sucking on" in the middle of the store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6du3wq/i_know_what_you_have_been_sucking_on/
%
What do you call a trailer​ park fire?

Firecrackers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6du22p/what_do_you_call_a_trailer_park_fire/
%
What did Ted Bundy order for his last meal?

Chick Fil a
*came up with that on my own. If you can improve on it feel free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6du1wu/what_did_ted_bundy_order_for_his_last_meal/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backward off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6du1uv/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backward_off_of_the_boat/
%
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6du0go/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
A new discovery is made pertaining to the ethnicity of Ancient Egyptian Kings

Archaeologists have discovered that the kings of Ancient Egypt were in fact black. Upon unwrapping the gold sarcophagus they found the body of a dark chocolate skinned man. The legendary Pharaoh Rocher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtz61/a_new_discovery_is_made_pertaining_to_the/
%
What do you call a mathematical snake?

A π-thon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtttw/what_do_you_call_a_mathematical_snake/
%
Cheating wife

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? " The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !" "What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtssq/cheating_wife/
%
Three wise men go to a farmers convention...

Three wise men went to a farmers convention at their local town.
Famous for their wiseness, the people urged the three wise men to participate in a challenge at the convention. The challenge was to fence in a herd of 100 sleeping cows using the least amount of fencing. The winner could keep the 100 cows they fenced to use or sell.
The first wise man says, "easy." He runs around the cows, measuring their distances while they slept, and then nailed in the least amount of fencing he needed to fence in the cows in their places, all while they were asleep.
The second wise man says to the first, "step aside." In another field of 100 sleeping cows, the second wise man begins to shout, waking all the cows and scaring them into a tightly packed huddle. From there, he fences them all in. "Beat that," says the second wise man to the third.
"No problem," said the third wise man. Without taking a single step. He nailed four posts down around himself and proceeded to fence himself in.
"What are you doing?" Said the first two fuse men, confused by the third wise man.
Smugly, the third wise man replied,
"I am on the outside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtsdd/three_wise_men_go_to_a_farmers_convention/
%
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you...

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtrml/whoever_stole_my_microsoft_office_i_will_find_you/
%
What does Anakin do when Luke doesn't eat his vegetables?

He force-feeds him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtqvr/what_does_anakin_do_when_luke_doesnt_eat_his/
%
Highway Dildo

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.
When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield
The little girl asks: Mommy, what was that?
The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: It was just a bug honey.
The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: It sure had a big dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtq5n/highway_dildo/
%
An old man is walking around with his zipper opened.

His wife notices and turns to him and tells him to zip up his zipper
Which he relpies, "Why? What cant get up can't get out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtnr4/an_old_man_is_walking_around_with_his_zipper/
%
Chuck Norris got bitten by a King Cobra

And after 5 agonizing days of pain.
The cobra died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtnr2/chuck_norris_got_bitten_by_a_king_cobra/
%
I guy walks into a bar...

Inside he sees a girl that he thinks looks hot. He walks up to her and starts to talk, then stops. The girl is confused and asks "Were you going to say something?" The guy smiles and says "I was gonna tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long." He sits down next the girl. The girl. Begins to say something but stops. The guy asks if she was going to say something. The girl smiles and says "I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtjrh/i_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Who won the first tour de france?

The seventh german panzer division

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtigb/who_won_the_first_tour_de_france/
%
A white guy woke up in a cell with an Asian man and a black man.

None of them had any idea what was going on. All of a sudden a mysterious man appears in front of them and says, "If all of your dick lengths combined can reach exactly 1 foot, I'll let you all go. If not, I'll kill you all" All 3 men pulled down their pants and put their dicks together, the white guy had 4 inches, the black guy had 6 inches and the Asian guy had 2 inches. The man then let them go. As they were leaving the cell, the white guy said, "You guys are lucky I'm white." The black said "No way! You guys are lucky I'm black!" And then the Asian guy yelled "You guys are lucky I had a boner!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtfmk/a_white_guy_woke_up_in_a_cell_with_an_asian_man/
%
That Bittersweet Moment...

When your Reddit Karma is higher than your Credit Karma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtcp7/that_bittersweet_moment/
%
Inside every Russian woman…

…is another, much smaller, Russian woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtcgx/inside_every_russian_woman/
%
Spider's legs

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first is that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed  and snickered but undeterred the scientist opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'
The spider didn't move.
'Move right'
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dtabk/spiders_legs/
%
KFC

A man goes to see the pope.
"Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to ' Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
The pope is aghast! "I can't just go changing God's word for money!"
The man comes back the next day: "Fifty million! Now, think of all the good the church could do with all that money, Your Holiness!"
The pope in unimpressed: "Look, I told you. I just can't do it. I'm sorry."
The guy is back a week later: "Final offer- $500 million. Take it or leave it."
The next day, the pope calls all the leaders of the church together: "Boys, I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is we've raised $500 million dollars for Catholic Charities."
The room erupts! Everybody is so happy!
The pope waits for the room to settle down. Then-
"And now for the bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dt8kl/kfc/
%
If you speak two languages you're bilingual, if you speak four languages you're quadrilingual, if you speak one language...

you're American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dt7r6/if_you_speak_two_languages_youre_bilingual_if_you/
%
Reincarnation is really a thing.

I used to be a wild dog but now I'm a massive boar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dt78k/reincarnation_is_really_a_thing/
%
I had to thank my friend for finding my bank card resting in some wet grass.

Credit where it's dew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dt71a/i_had_to_thank_my_friend_for_finding_my_bank_card/
%
A manager hired a new secretary and she was young, sweet and polite…

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?”
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?”
The secretary replied, “Why, no sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dt44z/a_manager_hired_a_new_secretary_and_she_was_young/
%
An alcoholic, a womanizer and a pot head die and go to hell.

Satan has a room of punishment for each one.
Satan meets the alcoholic and opens his torment room full of alcohol.  After a 100 years he opens the room and the alcoholic runs out screaming that he is sober.
Satan shows the room to the womanizer full of naked women and casts him in.  After a 100 years he opens the room and the womanizer runs out screaming that he is gay.
Satan opens the door for the pot head to show him a room full of weed. A hundred years pass and Satan opens the door.
The pot head is crouched in the fetal position crying his ass off.
Satan asks the pot head what is wrong?
The pot pot head answers "all this weed and no lighter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dt3k1/an_alcoholic_a_womanizer_and_a_pot_head_die_and/
%
A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dt2ff/a_boy_and_his_dad_are_talking/
%
There’s going to be a wild party at the orphanage tonight. …

The parents aren’t home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dt1rj/theres_going_to_be_a_wild_party_at_the_orphanage/
%
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol.

Police think it might be race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dt0sq/today_someone_was_killed_with_a_starter_pistol/
%
I met a rude Australian once

I asked him if he knew of a furniture store nearby. He said "Does it look like ikea?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dszq3/i_met_a_rude_australian_once/
%
Did you hear about the indignant thief who was caught robbing a furniture store?

He claimed he was being penalised for merely taking a stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dsyu2/did_you_hear_about_the_indignant_thief_who_was/
%
I think we all should cut Hitler some slack

... I mean, he was the one that killed Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dsx84/i_think_we_all_should_cut_hitler_some_slack/
%
If you had to choose between a long lasting relationship and 10 million dollars

What color would your Porsche be ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dswkp/if_you_had_to_choose_between_a_long_lasting/
%
Had a curry last night

'My arse is burning after that curry last night' I said to my wife.
'Ring sting?' she said.
'What's he going to do about it?' I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dss7y/had_a_curry_last_night/
%
A dentist warns his patient...

Dentist: Be advised: this will hurt a lot!
Patient: Nahh don't worry. I can deal with pain very well.
Dentist: I have an affair with your wife since 2009...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dsr4a/a_dentist_warns_his_patient/
%
I just found out why they open medicine cabinets very carefully...

To not disturb and wake up the sleeping pills...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dsod0/i_just_found_out_why_they_open_medicine_cabinets/
%
Did you hear about the little bird that took over his clock by force?

It was a cuckoo coup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dsmov/did_you_hear_about_the_little_bird_that_took_over/
%
When is the only time you're smiling and winking at your mother in law?

When you're looking at her through a rifle scope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dsgut/when_is_the_only_time_youre_smiling_and_winking/
%
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.
"Didn't you hear me?  Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.
"We can't" replied one of the snakes.  "We're adders".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dsgqr/when_noah_reached_land_he_threw_open_the_ark/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter what you call it, it's not coming anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dsgaf/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Did you hear about the mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dsfa5/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_killer/
%
The real troublemaker ...

While examining a female patient, doctor tells her:
Ur heart, lungs, pulse, BP are fine. Now let me see that cute little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.
Woman immediately started taking off her top and jeans..
Doc shocked said:
“No! No! Plz put on ur clothes.
Just show me your tongue..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dsf0w/the_real_troublemaker/
%
Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people.

Then the grenade exploded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dsddn/chuck_norris_threw_a_hand_grenade_and_killed_50/
%
I wanted to be an Astronaut

but my parents told me, "Sky's the limit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ds8p0/i_wanted_to_be_an_astronaut/
%
Two Lesbian Vampires hook up...

After they finish, one says; "Same time next month?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ds7z9/two_lesbian_vampires_hook_up/
%
What's the best part about a rednecks sex life?

It's something the whole family can enjoy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ds7dz/whats_the_best_part_about_a_rednecks_sex_life/
%
I have Down's Syndrome

47/46, would not recommend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ds5ma/i_have_downs_syndrome/
%
Why did the Italian get kicked out of heaven?

He ate too much angel hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ds0gl/why_did_the_italian_get_kicked_out_of_heaven/
%
I solicited a prostitute the other night. NSFW

She said, "hey handsome. It's $20 an inch, and if it's over ten, it's free."
Best 40 bucks I ever spent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drzzw/i_solicited_a_prostitute_the_other_night_nsfw/
%
Why did the musician get sent to prison?

Because he touched A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drze0/why_did_the_musician_get_sent_to_prison/
%
What's the difference between your beard and your ex?

Your beard always comes back (inspired by an oddly satisfying post)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drz6j/whats_the_difference_between_your_beard_and_your/
%
Why aren't the best boxers competing in the olympics?

Because they're working in warehouses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dryv7/why_arent_the_best_boxers_competing_in_the/
%
A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?
German: Hans Guttermark
Pole: Age?
German: Neunundzwanzig.
Pole: Occupation?
German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drw41/a_german_man_goes_to_poland_crossing_the_border/
%
I want a girl who has big tits and swallows

They are my two favorite birds after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drunz/i_want_a_girl_who_has_big_tits_and_swallows/
%
If caitlyn jenner was a super hero, what team would she be on?

The X-Men
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drr25/if_caitlyn_jenner_was_a_super_hero_what_team/
%
Three Women Die And Go To Heaven

Welcome to Heaven," Saint Peter greets them at the gate. "We only have one rule here, and that is, under no circumstances, can you step on any of our holy flowers. If you do, you will be punished for all eternity."
The women are confused, but walk through the pearly gates and find that heaven has many flowers growing from the cloud beds. They take great caution not to step on any.
Unfortunately, the next day, one of the women accidentally stepped on a flower. Saint Peter appears to her suddenly, handcuffing her to the ugliest man that she had ever seen. "This is your punishment for all eternity," he says, and disappears.
A few months pass, and the second woman tripped and fell on a holy flower. Saint Peter appears, handcuffs her to a hideous man, informs her of her predicament, and disappears.
The third woman, however, was very cautious. She lived for many years without squishing one of the flowers beneath her feet. One day, Saint Peter appears to her, and handcuffs her to an absolutely gorgeous man. "Oh, darling, what did I do to deserve you?"
The man, visibly frustrated, turns to her and says, "I don't know, but I stepped on fucking flower."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drq9c/three_women_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
Special olympics and a handjob is very similar.

You really appreciate the effort, but you know you could do better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drlle/special_olympics_and_a_handjob_is_very_similar/
%
Old joke time, Why are wedding dresses white?

To match the other appliances in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drhc7/old_joke_time_why_are_wedding_dresses_white/
%
Australians dont have sex.

They mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drfh0/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
What did the blonde say after the lesson on electricity?

Watt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drff8/what_did_the_blonde_say_after_the_lesson_on/
%
Knock knock

*Knock knock*
Who's there?
Amnesia.
Amnesia, who?
I see you have it, too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drdp6/knock_knock/
%
Did you guys know you don't need a parachute to skydive?

You just need a parachute to skydive twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drdee/did_you_guys_know_you_dont_need_a_parachute_to/
%
There are only 10 genders in this world...

... as according to the gender binary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drbq3/there_are_only_10_genders_in_this_world/
%
My professor wanted me to write an essay on existentialism...

So I passed in a blank sheet of paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6drb45/my_professor_wanted_me_to_write_an_essay_on/
%
What do they call Jury Duty in Australia?

Didgereedooty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dr96q/what_do_they_call_jury_duty_in_australia/
%
How do a Japanese Chihuahua say hello?

KONICHIHUAHUA!! 😀

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dr58g/how_do_a_japanese_chihuahua_say_hello/
%
Did you hear about the terrorist attack on the dairy / cow farm?

It was an udder disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dr4nr/did_you_hear_about_the_terrorist_attack_on_the/
%
A Genius vs Idiot !

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dr4j0/a_genius_vs_idiot/
%
Punch lines are extremely one-dimensional

Punch areas and punch volumes have more depth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dr4d6/punch_lines_are_extremely_onedimensional/
%
Why do trees only give birth to daughters?

Because otherwise they would be committing treason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dr47j/why_do_trees_only_give_birth_to_daughters/
%
So Merkel, Trump and Putin meet at the coast of normandy ...

Trump starts to tell them as soon as he arrives "we invented some new submarines, which can permanently stay under water for almost a month now". "Hah. We already invented submarines, that only have to cut surface once a year" Putin proudly replies. Both look at Merkel waiting for her to top them, but she just unconfortably tries to evade eye contact. Suddenly a pretty rusty, old submarine emerges from the sea and a man with a long grey beard appeares from an hatch shouting "Heil Hitler, we've run out of diesel"
I heared this joke many years ago and since I didn't find it on reddit yet, I thought I'd share it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dr31h/so_merkel_trump_and_putin_meet_at_the_coast_of/
%
What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium or curium then you have to barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dr033/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
%
Why can't Barbie ever get pregnant?

Because Ken comes in another box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqzhn/why_cant_barbie_ever_get_pregnant/
%
What do you call a breakdancing person with dwarfism?

a midget spinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqywv/what_do_you_call_a_breakdancing_person_with/
%
A Sexy Female TV reporter, with Big boobs, Interviews a farmer, seeking the cause of Mad Cow Disease...

Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what Causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?
The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull Screws a Cow only once a year?"
Lady : (embarrassed) "Well, that's a piece of valuable info,but
what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?"
Farmer: "Well Madam, do you know that we milk the Cow twice a day?"
Lady: (blushes) Sir, this is really great info, but what about the Mad Cow Disease ?
Farmer (staring at her big tits):
"I am getting to the point Maam. If I was playing with your boobs twice a day, and Screwing you only once a year, wouldn't you get MAD ??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqxlh/a_sexy_female_tv_reporter_with_big_boobs/
%
Donald Trump should be buried 20 feet under the ground

Because deep down he is a very good human.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqws5/donald_trump_should_be_buried_20_feet_under_the/
%
Guys, just remember that every yo mama joke that exists has been done hundreds of times by hundreds of different people.

Like your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqw3s/guys_just_remember_that_every_yo_mama_joke_that/
%
How many DJ Khaled's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter, we're still gonna need anotha one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqu0p/how_many_dj_khaleds_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Why are bacteria better than viruses?

Because viruses don't have culture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqthk/why_are_bacteria_better_than_viruses/
%
Why does the Islamic State have sex education classes and driver's education in different weeks?

So it's not too hard on the goats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqrvn/why_does_the_islamic_state_have_sex_education/
%
The man who wrote the Hokey Cokey just died.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqrh3/the_man_who_wrote_the_hokey_cokey_just_died/
%
What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through his monologue without laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqpgw/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_jimmy_fallon/
%
My brother just posted on Facebook "I love my girlfriend <3"

I always knew he liked them young, but that's fucking ridiculous!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqp69/my_brother_just_posted_on_facebook_i_love_my/
%
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger...

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqnnr/i_was_wondering_why_the_baseball_was_getting/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in a tree

because they are really good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqn7z/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_a_tree/
%
How do you make a hamburger laugh?

Pickle it gently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqmt9/how_do_you_make_a_hamburger_laugh/
%
Why did the zombie herd ignore the feminist?

Because they were hungry for brains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqmcz/why_did_the_zombie_herd_ignore_the_feminist/
%
A man comes home to find his wife's suitcase packed. NSFW

He asks her, "Where are you going?"
She says, "Las Vegas, I heard I can make 300 bucks for giving blowjobs, so I figured I could make some money doing what I do for you for free."
The husband chuckles and starts to pack his suitcase, and his wife asks what he's doing.
He says, "Coming with you.  I want to see how you survive on $600 a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqlg3/a_man_comes_home_to_find_his_wifes_suitcase/
%
Before you criticize a gunman you should walk a mile in his shoes.

That way you'll be out of range and he'll be barefoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqk5v/before_you_criticize_a_gunman_you_should_walk_a/
%
Got a funny joke after getting fired

I have a bunch of unemployment jokes but none of them work
:) :) Hahahahahaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqjuz/got_a_funny_joke_after_getting_fired/
%
I painted my PC black

So it can run faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqj75/i_painted_my_pc_black/
%
Why did the geek want to go to a party full of vampires, zombies, and ghosts.

He wanted to finally be the life of a party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqgah/why_did_the_geek_want_to_go_to_a_party_full_of/
%
I have dailysex!

I mean dyslexia!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqe9j/i_have_dailysex/
%
What did the Fish say when he hit the wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqb6z/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_hit_the_wall/
%
A man is going hunting for his birthday (nsfw)

And he wants his wife to join him. She tells him, "honey I know it's your birthday, but I really don't want to go hunting. Is there anything else I can do?" The man tells his wife that the only way he won't be upset, is if she lets him try anal. He tells her to think about it while he goes and loads up the dogs in the truck. He comes back and she tells him, "well I really don't want to go hunting, and I don't think I can do anal, but what about if I give you the best blowjob of your life" the man thinks about it, and decides that's a fair trade. His wife ties her hair up, gets ready to go, and as soon as she starts to go down on him she immediately comes up and starts gagging. She screams "honey, why does your dick taste like shit! That was disgusting!!" The man says, "the dogs didn't wanna go hunting either"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dqak4/a_man_is_going_hunting_for_his_birthday_nsfw/
%
What's the warmest organ in a dead body?

My dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dq71v/whats_the_warmest_organ_in_a_dead_body/
%
Watched a pretty good Daft Punk documentary last night.

I think I'll watch it one more time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dq2qb/watched_a_pretty_good_daft_punk_documentary_last/
%
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes.

That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dq2l2/before_i_criticize_a_man_i_like_to_walk_a_mile_in/
%
Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dq1je/man_tries_to_open_a_bank_account/
%
How did Putin propose to Trump?

He went to Jared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dq1dh/how_did_putin_propose_to_trump/
%
Lets pretend

My wife on our last date:
lets pretend its 25 years ago, we don't have kids at home and we are out on a first date
Me:  Im sorry.  I dont think this is going to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dq0yu/lets_pretend/
%
What does a baby computer call its father?

Data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dq0lm/what_does_a_baby_computer_call_its_father/
%
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpy91/what_is_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
%
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia

Librarian: "They're right behind you!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpwmp/a_woman_walks_into_a_library_and_asked_if_they/
%
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpvxg/alabama_changed_the_drinking_age_to_34/
%
Most kids are like most combo moves

Just happy little accidents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpuel/most_kids_are_like_most_combo_moves/
%
A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale...

A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale, and the buyer is looking at them.
"Well, this one is a fine 1951 Hudson Hornet," says the car salesman.
The buyer gasps, "A Hudson HORNET? Well, I wouldn't want to see a Hudson Wasp!"
The salesman brushes it off and shows him the next car, "this is a Porsche Spyder."
Again, the buyer is aghast, "what is with car companies naming them after insects?! What's next, a Volkswagen Beetle?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpub2/a_car_salesman_is_showing_some_fine_cars_for_sale/
%
HR pulled me into the office today for a disciplinary.

"We need to talk to you about your inappropriate sexual remarks made to Sarah."
"Why, what level of inappropriateness did she say I done?"
"Harass..."
"Yes, it is cute and I would eat my dinner off it. But what level of inappropriateness did she say I done?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dptnk/hr_pulled_me_into_the_office_today_for_a/
%
What do you call an Irish man who's always breaking up fights?

Liam Mallone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpsfp/what_do_you_call_an_irish_man_whos_always/
%
I hopped in a cab after work and said to the cabbie

"My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"
10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said
"Just tell her Larry sent you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpq5v/i_hopped_in_a_cab_after_work_and_said_to_the/
%
The real Zodiac Killer is...

Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpmwa/the_real_zodiac_killer_is/
%
What do you call a pioneer smoking weed?

A trail blazer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpmmo/what_do_you_call_a_pioneer_smoking_weed/
%
Two guys are in a roof bar...

after a few drinks one of the guys says to his friend, "man the winds up here are so strong, you can jump off and they push you back in!" his friend responds " nah man no way".
the guys responds "here ill show you!". he takes a few steps back runs to the balcony and jumps out; immediately he flies right back in.
the other guy responds "no way! My turn!" takes a few spaces back, runs to the balcony, jumps, and falls to his death.
the bartender turns to the remaining guy and says "Superman, you're such a dick when you're drunk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpmly/two_guys_are_in_a_roof_bar/
%
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph.....

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpma5/a_pensioner_drove_his_brand_new_mercedes_to_100/
%
Introducing a new joke style: I wish all the ladies

This was a thing we used to do on my sea scout ship after competition. It's a rhyming couplet in the general style of
"I wish all the ladies
Were [XXXX]
And I'd be [YYYY]
And [sex pun]"
A few examples:
I wish all the ladies
Were winds on the sea
And I'd be the sailboat
And they would all blow me
I wish all the ladies
Were holes in the road
And I'd be the cement truck
And fill them with my load
I wish all the ladies
Were bricks in a pile
And I'd be the mason
And lay them all in style
I wish all the ladies
Were bells in a tower
And I'd be the bell boy
And bang 'em every hour
I'm curious to see reddit's creativity. Wow me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dplwp/introducing_a_new_joke_style_i_wish_all_the_ladies/
%
What does a Soldier and a Shoulder have in common?

They both have access to arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpjgr/what_does_a_soldier_and_a_shoulder_have_in_common/
%
Roman Numerals

Wife: 75% of people don't know how to write 99 in Roman numerals.
Me: IC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpiwt/roman_numerals/
%
The class comes in from recess and gets a spelling quiz...

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess?" asks the teacher.
"I played in the sand box with Sally!"
"That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!"
Jimmy does and gets his reward.
"Sally, what did you do during recess?"
"I played in the sand box with Jimmy!"
"Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!"
Sally does and gets a cookie.
"Jamal, what did you do during recess?"
"I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me."
"Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpi5q/the_class_comes_in_from_recess_and_gets_a/
%
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dph9t/yesterday_i_went_to_a_temporary_tattoo_parlour_to/
%
What do you call a bird with no responsibilities?

A millennial falcon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dph5j/what_do_you_call_a_bird_with_no_responsibilities/
%
My friend asked me what I'd choose, a night with any lady of my liking or a million dollars

I said a million dollars because then I could have more than one night with the lady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpg1f/my_friend_asked_me_what_id_choose_a_night_with/
%
I ended up having sex with my date in an elevator last night...

It was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpfng/i_ended_up_having_sex_with_my_date_in_an_elevator/
%
Is vengeful sex called...

Karma Sutra?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpfm0/is_vengeful_sex_called/
%
Dad bought a lie-detector to test his son.

"Son sit down... we have to talk, i have a lie detector here"
"Did you go to school today, son?"
"uh, yes" the son replied...
-BEEP- -BEEP-
"uh, no i watched a movie" he said quickly.
"right, what movie?" Asked the Dad
"Just some comedy"
-Beep- -Beep-
"Okay, it was, you know, a different movie, you know what i am talking about"
"No, I don't know" Said the dad.
-Beep- -Beep-
"Like you never watched those things when you were my age dad"
"No, i never watched it" The dad said blushing.
-Beep- -Beep-
"Well well well, like father like son, isn't it" Said the mother laughing.
-Beep- -Beep-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpe3r/dad_bought_a_liedetector_to_test_his_son/
%
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?

Get in the batmobile, Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpdxo/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_they_got_in/
%
A skinhead is arrested for drug offenses and goes to prison

At first he's worried, as he's used to having lots of followers backing him up and isn't sure how he'll deal with the other inmates. He decides the best way to get ahead is to find prisoners of a similar mindset and join then.
He sees some skinny white dudes coming in from a back area. Figuring that's a fairly private place to make his pitch, he approaches them.
"Not now dude", one of them says, "we've just been out blowing bubbles and need to get back before the warden catches us!"
The skinhead is a bit shocked. Blowing bubbles? Obviously these guys are wimps, so probably not the best crew to join up with.
The next day, he spots some tough biker-looking dudes coming from the same alcove. He again tries to approach them but gets rebuffed,
"Busy blowing bubbles! Get lost or come back when it's your turn!"
Now he's intrigued. Maybe bubbles is slang for drugs? Cocaine maybe? He still has sources on the outside, so maybe this is his way in.
The third day, the warden himself is coming out of the alcove, bleary-eyed and with a filmy substance on his lower nose. The skinhead tries to ask about it but gets the same
"fuck off and wait your turn!"
"This is it," he thinks. If the whole prison is addicted to blow, then with his supply chain he's going to OWN them.
So the next week he's been set up by his supplier, and heads out early to slip into the alcove, waiting for a potential "customer."
Within an hour, a MASSIVE black guy, rippling with muscles, shows up.
The skinhead thinks, "I own this guy, and he'll keep everyone in line for me."
To the big guy he says, "you must be here for some bubbles?"
The bug guy pauses, confused, then laughs and pulls off his belt.
"Buddy, I *AM* Bubbles! Let me guess, today must be *your* turn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpd59/a_skinhead_is_arrested_for_drug_offenses_and_goes/
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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the seas...

this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.
One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew  became worried, but the Captain was calm.
He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain,  calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!
The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an  ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpbx7/long_ago_when_sailing_ships_ruled_the_seas/
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The hospital told me I needed a cardiac transplant, and initially I agreed to it.

But then I had a change of heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpain/the_hospital_told_me_i_needed_a_cardiac/
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A politician dies...

A politician dies and finds himself in the presence of both God and Satan.
They explain him that, after carefully counting and recounting all his good and evil actions throughout his life, there’s a tie. As this is an unusual situation that, somehow, has never happened up to this point, they have decided that the politician will be allowed to spend one day in heaven and one day in hell and he will be given the option to decide where he wants to be for the eternity.
First, he goes to heaven and enjoys the harp music, the playful angels taking care of him… he has a great time flying with his temporary wings and playing golf over the clouds. He is pretty sure that heaven’s the right option.
Next day he goes to hell, where he’s warmly greeted by Satan. He offers him awesome cocktails and an unlimited supply of drugs. Then, Satan introduces him to some young, attractive, barely dressed ladies that whisper to his ear what they’re going to do to him for the rest of the eternity. He enjoys some lap dances, stripteases… but he will only have the full thing if he chooses hell.
When asked what his final decision is, he says that, despite having had a great time in heaven, he thinks that hell is a better fit for him. So he heads to hell with Satan.
When he arrives there, the place has totally changed: dirt everywhere, famished people surrounded by flies, screams of pain and agony coming from a room, no booze, no blow, no hookers… He can’t even believe that this is the same place as the day before, so he asks: “What happened to this place Satan? How is it possible that it has changed so much in less than 24 hours?”
“Well, yesterday we were on campaign, today you’ve already chosen us”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dpa8y/a_politician_dies/
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What do you call a Mexican Baptism?

Bean dip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dp96g/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_baptism/
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Hey guys why where star wars 4,5,6 made before 1,2,3?

Because in charge of production yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dp5dm/hey_guys_why_where_star_wars_456_made_before_123/
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This is an EA joke

Oops, I rushed it and left out the good part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dp537/this_is_an_ea_joke/
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My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player

He only ever lost once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dp19h/my_grandfather_was_a_legendary_russian_roulette/
%
"Siri, why am I still single"?

...Siri turns on the front camera

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dp12v/siri_why_am_i_still_single/
%
One man's trash is another man's treasure....

horrible way to speak to your adopted son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dp06s/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
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Did you hear? Gaston won an award!

He won the No Belle prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dp00q/did_you_hear_gaston_won_an_award/
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My Wife's star sign is Cancer and it's pretty ironic how she died...

She was attacked by a giant crab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dozk6/my_wifes_star_sign_is_cancer_and_its_pretty/
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How long is a centipede?

~100 feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6doz90/how_long_is_a_centipede/
%
How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6doy4z/how_do_you_confuse_a_blonde/
%
The Holy Land isn't a fake place

Israel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dowlh/the_holy_land_isnt_a_fake_place/
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I am going to have a date every night for a month!

It's Ramadan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dovx7/i_am_going_to_have_a_date_every_night_for_a_month/
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Three guys go to a ski lodge

, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6donvv/three_guys_go_to_a_ski_lodge/
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All Dolled Up

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6donmz/all_dolled_up/
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A man saw a stunning woman at a party..

He went up to her and said,"Will you sleep with me if I gave you a million dollars? "
She was a little taken aback but after considering the amount she thought why not and informed the man that they had a deal. The man then says,"Will you sleep with me for 100$?"
The woman gets furious and says,"What the hell do you think I am?"
The man says,"My dear, I think we have already established what you are, now we are simply negotiating the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6don7z/a_man_saw_a_stunning_woman_at_a_party/
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How does a mummy attract a mate?

Pharaoh moans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dolj4/how_does_a_mummy_attract_a_mate/
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I prefer Indy car over Nascar...

...I guess that makes me racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dok9c/i_prefer_indy_car_over_nascar/
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Who's clock does this belong to?

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.
He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?"
Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."
The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock does this belong to?"
Angel answers 'This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved, so she has never told a lie."
then the man asks "Where is Hillary Clintons clock?"
The Angel replies "That one is in our office, we use it as a table fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dog74/whos_clock_does_this_belong_to/
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Snail Tale

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dog4j/snail_tale/
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What is the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6doem5/what_is_the_best_drug_to_have_sex_on/
%
Why did Donald Trump drain the swamp?

So he could hire what was on the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dobup/why_did_donald_trump_drain_the_swamp/
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i bought the worst thesaurus in the world yesterday, not only is it terrible,

it's terrible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6doarm/i_bought_the_worst_thesaurus_in_the_world/
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General Custer is addressing his men at the Little Bighorn. He says "well boys, I've got some good news and some bad news."

"The bad news is that the Sioux are camped right down the hill. Come morning they're going to overrun us. They'll ride roughshod over our whole company and leave us all killed, then probably mutilate our corpses beyond recognition when they're done."
His lieutenant asks, "what's the good news General?"
Custer says "Well, we won't have to ride through Nebraska again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6do9pz/general_custer_is_addressing_his_men_at_the/
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What's the opposite of a Baldwin?

Hair loss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6do700/whats_the_opposite_of_a_baldwin/
%
R.I.P Boiling water

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6do6bt/rip_boiling_water/
%
Where did the practice of bukake originate?

It comes from all over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6do497/where_did_the_practice_of_bukake_originate/
%
I am not racist,

my shadow is black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6do3bn/i_am_not_racist/
%
There's only one vegetable I like

Stephen Hawking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6do047/theres_only_one_vegetable_i_like/
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In jihad training

A man learns how to detonate and conceal explosives.
In order to test how good he is at concealing them, he decides to strap some to himself and walk around the camp. Now knowing they were attached to a remote detonator, he suddenly blows up.
After he dies he sees an old friend he left when going to train for  jihad.
"How did training go?" Asked his old friend.
"Not too sure,  I think I bombed it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dnzuk/in_jihad_training/
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I didn't know what the Irish word for 'fell' was...

Then it Thit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dnzmf/i_didnt_know_what_the_irish_word_for_fell_was/
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Deja moo:

The feeling that you've heard this bull before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dnx9m/deja_moo/
%
I can't stand those eight-legged freaks.

Or as they're more commonly known, "quadruplets".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dnx5k/i_cant_stand_those_eightlegged_freaks/
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The janitor at the bank managed to rob 21 million dollars.

He made a clean getaway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dnrv6/the_janitor_at_the_bank_managed_to_rob_21_million/
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I took my daughter to the zoo.

"Daddy," she said. "Where are the dildos?"
"Ha-ha," I laughed awkwardly, as people around me looked uncomfortable. "You mean dodos, honey. Dodos are extinct."
"But mummy said that I would see one some day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dnkw9/i_took_my_daughter_to_the_zoo/
%
I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or I'm leaving to watch Guardians Of The Galaxy.

She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"
I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dnjux/i_told_my_girlfriend_we_can_either_have_sex_or_im/
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I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters

It's shift work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dnj1z/ive_found_a_job_helping_a_one_armed_typist_do/
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My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."
"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."
"No," I said. "I mean being single."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dnhn9/my_girlfriend_said_she_was_going_to_get_a_massive/
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We used to have empires ruled by emperors, kingdoms ruled by kings and sultanates ruled by sultans.

Now we have countries....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dneyn/we_used_to_have_empires_ruled_by_emperors/
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Why do some animals eat with their tail?

Because they can't take it off when they eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dnd1j/why_do_some_animals_eat_with_their_tail/
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A man saw a small boy crying in an alley

"What is wrong?" he said
"My parents died" the boy responded.
The man pulled down his pants and said "Welp, this isn't your lucky day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dnc9j/a_man_saw_a_small_boy_crying_in_an_alley/
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What did the Russians do to celebrate the election?

They went to Jared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dnau1/what_did_the_russians_do_to_celebrate_the_election/
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How do you give a Scandinavian man "blue balls"?

You don't let him Finnish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dnalw/how_do_you_give_a_scandinavian_man_blue_balls/
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A man walks into a bar...

...wearing a hard hat and overalls, carrying a pickaxe in one hand and a lantern in the other. He sits down on a stool and orders a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says:
"We don't serve miners here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dn6fl/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why do people like to make fun of EA?

It's in the games.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dn5lf/why_do_people_like_to_make_fun_of_ea/
%
My cousin recently had her baby aborted.

Such a shame, could have met my future first cousin once removed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dn5a0/my_cousin_recently_had_her_baby_aborted/
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The past, the present and the future walked into the bar

it was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dn20z/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walked_into/
%
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."
The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dmyh3/a_waitress_walks_up_to_one_of_her_tables_in_a_new/
%
I just got hired at the helium factory

I find the job uplifting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dmook/i_just_got_hired_at_the_helium_factory/
%
What country do bacteria like the most?

Germany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dmhao/what_country_do_bacteria_like_the_most/
%
r/jokes should use its karma to help the environment.

Subscribers are already experts at recycling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dmh1d/rjokes_should_use_its_karma_to_help_the/
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What's the difference between God and a social worker?

God doesn't pretend to be a social worker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dmd42/whats_the_difference_between_god_and_a_social/
%
Why did the number 10 die?

It was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dmcrk/why_did_the_number_10_die/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dm94y/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
Electricians don't make great money

Most of them have to strip to make ends meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dm82f/electricians_dont_make_great_money/
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Some day, canada will take over the world.

Haha woosh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dm5bk/some_day_canada_will_take_over_the_world/
%
A five year old read a story about a king

5yo: mom, i also want 3 wives, one to feed me, one to bathe me, one to sing for me.
mom: and which one will put you to sleep?
5yo: none, i'd still sleep with you.
mom: you're the best son ever. but where will your wives sleep then?
5yo: they can sleep with dad.
dad: you really are the best son ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dm402/a_five_year_old_read_a_story_about_a_king/
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Tell me, Sherlock, where do lemons come from?

A lemon tree, dear Watson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dm3ba/tell_me_sherlock_where_do_lemons_come_from/
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how many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. We are efficient and don't have humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dm17b/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dlxmf/i_saw_a_4_year_old_girl_crying_all_alone/
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A man asks his Welsh friend how many sexual partners he's had to this day

The Welshman starts counting but falls asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dlw2h/a_man_asks_his_welsh_friend_how_many_sexual/
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My best feature ....

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ‘Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.’
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, ‘What would you say is my best feature?’
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ‘It’s got to be your ears.’
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ‘My ears?!?!?” Look at these breasts; they are a full 36 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 27 inch waist. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?’
Clearing his throat, he stammered… ‘Outside, when you said you heard someone coming… That was me.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dlrws/my_best_feature/
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An old couple walks into mcdonalds

An old couple walk into MacDonald. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and sets the cup down between them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering."That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries, a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the couple.
The old man replies that they're just fine - they're just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says,"No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything,"
As the old man finishes and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks,"May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers....
"THE TEETH"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dlrsu/an_old_couple_walks_into_mcdonalds/
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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop today...

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.
"F*ck you!" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dlqhn/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbor_at_a_bus_stop_today/
%
Why did the blind lady fall down the well?

She couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dlput/why_did_the_blind_lady_fall_down_the_well/
%
Why do asians have small boobs?

Because only A's are acceptable!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dlcnl/why_do_asians_have_small_boobs/
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A Canadian visits Russia

and goes to a restaurant that serves fries with gravy and cheese. He says, "I hate this poutine".
He was never seen again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dlc8w/a_canadian_visits_russia/
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Ramadhan starts tomorrow for me, so here a joke

There were two white christian men, Trump and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then Trump said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are muslim.'' Then Jack said ''No way, I won't say I'm muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.
So Trump and Jack went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.
Trump thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammed'. And Jack said 'My name is Jack'.
The Arab man said 'Hello Jack.' And told these other men to take Jack and give him food and drink.
Then he turned to Trump and said, 'Salaam Muhammed. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadhan)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dl61b/ramadhan_starts_tomorrow_for_me_so_here_a_joke/
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A poet and a Newfie die

They are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter says that to get in they must make a poem that says Timbuktu. For the poet this was simple and he said ; I was walking in the desert sand. When I came across a caravan. Camels walking two by two. Destination Timbuktu
For the Newfie this was very hard because he new nothing about Timbuktu or even where it was. It took him three days, but he finally came up with one and he said ; Tim and I a hunting we went. Found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two I buck one and Tim buck two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dl45m/a_poet_and_a_newfie_die/
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Life is like a christmas sweater

I want to get rid of it but that would just make my grandma sad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dl2v1/life_is_like_a_christmas_sweater/
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What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a bush

Russel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dl0qa/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_legs_in_a/
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An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...

and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"
"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."
The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"
"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."
"And where was He born?"
"In Bethlehem, in a manger."
"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent him a room!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dkxbp/an_old_jewish_man_walked_in_to_a_hotel/
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Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dkvxo/why_cant_atheists_solve_exponential_equations/
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What did Bach say when he slammed his finger in the door?

Ow! I think it's baroque!
(I'm so sorry.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dkvh6/what_did_bach_say_when_he_slammed_his_finger_in/
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Forget everything you learned in college....

'Forget everything you learned in college.
You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dkuz3/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college/
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Light travels faster than sound.

That is why some people seem bright until you hear them speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dku53/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
A lawyer's car breaks down on the freeway.

He pulls to the shoulder. He starts to get out, and a passing truck tears the door clean off. The truck keeps rolling and doesn't stop. The lawyer is in a frothy rage when a cop pulls up behind him.
"MY 50,000 dollar BMW has been damaged by a hit and run!" The lawyer shouts.
The cops sighs. "You lawyers are all alike. You're so concerned about your car that you haven't noticed your arm's been ripped off!"
The lawyer looks down at the oozing stump. "Son of a bitch got my Rolex too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dkrqf/a_lawyers_car_breaks_down_on_the_freeway/
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Why is Ubisoft the worst gaming company in France?

Punchline only included in the season pass! Preorder now and get one of 26 randomly chosen bonus characters! 27th character included in Spanish version only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dkq5o/why_is_ubisoft_the_worst_gaming_company_in_france/
%
why did the fart lose the race?

because everyone passes gas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dkpko/why_did_the_fart_lose_the_race/
%
Did you hear about that psychologist’s awesome speech last night?

It was amazing! The crowd was really eating it up. Everyone was going absolutely sane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dkooj/did_you_hear_about_that_psychologists_awesome/
%
A college student sends a letter to his folks back home

Dear Mom and Dad,
**$**chool i**$** really great. I am making lot**$** of friend**$** and **$**tudying very hard. My profe**$$**or**$** are al**$**o **$**uper cool! With all my **$**tuff, I **$**imply can't think of anything I need, **$**o if you would like, you can ju**$**t **$**end me a card, a**$** I would love to hear from you. Mi**$$** you guy**$**!
Love,
Your **$**on
- - - - - - -
Dear Son,
I k**NO**w that astro**NO**my, eco**NO**mics, and ocea**NO**graphy are e**NO**ugh to keep even an ho**NO**r student busy. Do **NO**t forget that the pursuit of k**NO**wledge is a **NO**ble task, and you can never study e**NO**ugh.
Love,
Mom and Dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dkoa6/a_college_student_sends_a_letter_to_his_folks/
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I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids.

I'm a faux pa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dknxl/i_tell_dad_jokes_but_i_dont_have_any_kids/
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Here's another EA joke...

But you have to pay to unlock it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dknkl/heres_another_ea_joke/
%
A termite walks into a bar and asks...

is the bar tender here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dkjg4/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
%
A Mexican gets caught by a border patrol agent..

The border patrol agent says to the Mexican,
"If you can put these 3 words in a sentence I will let you go. The words are green, pink and yellow."
The Mexican thinks for a second,
"The phone goes green green green, I pink it up and I say yellow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dkirf/a_mexican_gets_caught_by_a_border_patrol_agent/
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Why are black peoples hands and feet white?

Because those parts are meant for workin'
PS: Racism is wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dkffu/why_are_black_peoples_hands_and_feet_white/
%
I adopted a drug sniffing dog...

she's having a real hard time quitting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dkf6h/i_adopted_a_drug_sniffing_dog/
%
Hey Stacy, I slept with a brazilian last night!

Stacy: Oh my god you slut how many is a brazilian?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dkcs3/hey_stacy_i_slept_with_a_brazilian_last_night/
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Which one is different from the other three and why - a fridge, a washing machine, a tv or a woman?

Most people say it's the tv because it's the only one that doesn't belong in the kitchen but they are sexist. It's the tv because it's the only one that doesn't leak when it's fudked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dk4vd/which_one_is_different_from_the_other_three_and/
%
I don't always roll a joint...

But when I do, it's my ankle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dk4lz/i_dont_always_roll_a_joint/
%
It's awkward when you get an erection during a prostate exam

And they realize you're not a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dk1z9/its_awkward_when_you_get_an_erection_during_a/
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There are three ways to drink whiskey

Three ways;
* With water
* Without water
* As water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dk1wv/there_are_three_ways_to_drink_whiskey/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dk1rv/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
A 12 year old boy walks into a brothel...

He places a crisp hundred dollar bill on the counter and says, "I need a whore."
The madam is unphased and tells the boy to get lost. He slides another crisp hundred on the counter and sternly exclaimed, "madam, I said I need a whore."
The madam begins to get annoyed and demands the boy leave.
The boy, this time, slams yet another crisp bill on the counter and shouts, "Lady, I need a whore NOW!"
"Fine!" Shouts the madam and she turns for the backroom.
Before she can exit the boy places yet Another hundred down on the stack of cash and says, "make sure she has herpes."
The madam, now flabbergasted retrieves Nasty Nancy from the lounge and the boy is lead to an upstairs room.
The pair share an hour together and the boy comes down the stairs and heads for the door.
The madam calls out, "little boy, what in the world are you doing in this place?"
The boy turns to her and says, "well ma'am, when I get home I'm going to have sex with my babysitter, and when my father returns home, he's going to have sex with my babysitter, and after she leaves my father is going to have sex with my mother, and tomorrow morning when he leaves for work my mother is going to have sex with the mailmail. And THAT motherfucker ran over my frog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dk1bg/a_12_year_old_boy_walks_into_a_brothel/
%
Happy Ramadan to all my brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dk0d8/happy_ramadan_to_all_my_brothers_and_sisters/
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What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djz04/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
What's green has four legs and would probably kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djy12/whats_green_has_four_legs_and_would_probably_kill/
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How do I avoid clickbait?

I guess I asked the wrong person...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djxc0/how_do_i_avoid_clickbait/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? (hippy joke 2 of 3)

cuz he was too far out man...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dju2w/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippy_hippy_joke/
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I started out with nothing...

and I still have most of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djtu2/i_started_out_with_nothing/
%
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? (hippy joke 3 of 3)

None, the usually screw in a dirty sleeping bag..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djtta/how_many_hippies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I smoked weed with a couple cows near a police station a few days ago.

The steaks were really high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djtbg/i_smoked_weed_with_a_couple_cows_near_a_police/
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A Pope and a lawyer meet by the Pearly Gates.

A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.
They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room.
It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djp3m/a_pope_and_a_lawyer_meet_by_the_pearly_gates/
%
Intelligence is like an underwear.

It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djovz/intelligence_is_like_an_underwear/
%
A ship, sailing past a remote island, spots a man who has been stranded there for several years.

The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts.
“What’s the first hut for?” he asks.
“That’s my house,” says the castaway.
“What’s the second hut for?”
“That’s my church.”
“And the third hut?”
“Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’s the church I used to go to.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djm1g/a_ship_sailing_past_a_remote_island_spots_a_man/
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They say one friend in every group has the potential to be a serial killer

...so I threw Dave off a cliff in case it was him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djluk/they_say_one_friend_in_every_group_has_the/
%
My college graduation was held inside the basketball arena and man was it hot

Musta been like 5,000 degrees in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djlkl/my_college_graduation_was_held_inside_the/
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What do you call a podium that crossed the alps?

A Hannibal Lectern

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djfqy/what_do_you_call_a_podium_that_crossed_the_alps/
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My doctor must be a very visual person,

Whenever I have a cold he holds out my medication and says "vitamins, see".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djenn/my_doctor_must_be_a_very_visual_person/
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Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djcx7/why_is_ea_the_worst_gaming_company_in_america/
%
A young boy overhead his parents call his uncle an alcoholic...

Unfamiliar with the term, the young boy later on he asked his father, "Dad, what is an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djbol/a_young_boy_overhead_his_parents_call_his_uncle/
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Rang in sick at work today.

Whats wrong my boss asked?
"I have a problem with my eyes" i said
"conjunctivitis?" asked my boss.
"No i just can't see my self working" i replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6djbam/rang_in_sick_at_work_today/
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Clean floor

*A blonde woman had just finished sweeping the bathroom's floor when she went downstairs and heard her husband calling her again from the second floor.*
"Honey, the floor was so shiny I literally kissed it!"
"Really? Did I seriously do such a good job?"
"No, It's slippery as fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dja12/clean_floor/
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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dj00o/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
%
Introducing my girlfriend to my family..

me: so this is my girlfriend Janine
Janine: hi
wife: what the fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dixr1/introducing_my_girlfriend_to_my_family/
%
A man sits down at a restaurant, when the waiter approaches to take his order.

The customer asks, "Do you have frog legs?"
The waiter replies, "No sir, that's just how I walk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6diwzt/a_man_sits_down_at_a_restaurant_when_the_waiter/
%
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6diudi/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
%
Why are dad jokes so bad?

Because the punchline is always apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ditai/why_are_dad_jokes_so_bad/
%
My wife was at an energy drinks shop.

She phoned me and said, "Would you like a Monster?"
I said, "No, thanks. I've already married one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6disz9/my_wife_was_at_an_energy_drinks_shop/
%
What did the terminator say when he accidentally got sent back in time to the renaissance?

I'll be Bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6disz1/what_did_the_terminator_say_when_he_accidentally/
%
I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain

The heroin worked great

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dil3d/i_decided_to_try_the_ancient_chinese_practice_of/
%
Conservative America really learned something this last election cycle

The word "deplorable"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dik4v/conservative_america_really_learned_something/
%
The only "b" word a girl should be called is beautiful

Bitches love being called beautiful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dijmb/the_only_b_word_a_girl_should_be_called_is/
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If you're ever in a hurry...

Put your fidget spinner on your dash, then just use the handicapped parking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6diiwv/if_youre_ever_in_a_hurry/
%
A New Breed of Elephant

I took my seven year old son to the zoo today. We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6digct/a_new_breed_of_elephant/
%
Ramadan is starting again this year

It really puts the slim in Muslim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6diczc/ramadan_is_starting_again_this_year/
%
Republican: "All life is precious..."

Until it steps on my fucking property.
Credit: Jim Jefferies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dic3b/republican_all_life_is_precious/
%
I went to a drilling seminar today.

BORING!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dibmd/i_went_to_a_drilling_seminar_today/
%
Damn girl are you a 'will to live'

because i'm never going to have you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6diacw/damn_girl_are_you_a_will_to_live/
%
I got called pretty today...

well actually the full statement was "you're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on the positive things today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6di43t/i_got_called_pretty_today/
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An older woman was having female problems...

...So she had to have surgery to have her uterus removed.  The doctor had just finished the surgery, and the nurse was cleaning up and said, "Um...Doc, we are missing a scalpel.  We're gonna have to go back in her and remov--"
The doctor stopped her right there.  He said, "No.  Don't even worry about it.  Look - the lady's old.  She's on Medicare.  She's gonna die soon anyway.  Just leave it up in there.  Don't even worry about it."
"OK then," said the nurse.
A few months later, the doctor was in the mall shopping when he spotted the old woman.  He watched her for a few minutes.  He couldn't believe his eyes.  She was full of energy and buzzing in and out of stores, looking fit as can be.  He finally walked up to the lady:
"Ms. Brown, you look wonderful!" he said.
She said, "Oh hey, Doctor!  Thank you.  I feel great!"
"So you're feeling all right?  How's everything since the surgery?" he asked.
"Everything is fine, but there IS one peculiar thing," she said.  "I don't know why, but I've done circumcised my two best friends and cut the finger off of a casual acquaintance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6di3d4/an_older_woman_was_having_female_problems/
%
What's long, black, and will kill you if you cut it?

The line at KFC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6di35s/whats_long_black_and_will_kill_you_if_you_cut_it/
%
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

Yeah... uh... the priest is in jail now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6di2ty/i_was_blessed_with_a_9_inch_penis/
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Lost Dog

Somehow a dog gets lost in an African jungle. As he is finding his way a lion spots him. The lion thinks since the dog is so small he will be easy pray. When the dog sees the lion he gets extremely scared and starts to run but he sees some bones and gets an idea. As the lion approaches he says "Mmmm, that was some good lion." The lion immediately realizes this dog is a lot tougher than he thought and runs off.
But there was a monkey in a tree watching the whole time. The monkey decides if he tells the lion what had happened the lion might reward him. So he tells the lion and the lion tells him to get on his back so they can share the dog. As the lion and monkey find the dog, the dog spots them as well. The dog begins to run but has another idea, "Where is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion hours ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6di1gg/lost_dog/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have a beer."
The second one says, "I'll have half a beer."
The third one says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer."
And so on..............
The bartender pours two beers and says, "You guys need to know your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dhwe3/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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An 800 pound gorilla walks into a bar...

...the bartender, weary of the gorilla, says "what'll it be?"
The gorilla says, "I'll have a Manhattan."
So the bartender serves him up and says, "That'll be $14," and goes back to wiping glasses.
A minute or two later, after thinking about it, the bartender then says to the gorilla, "You know, I gotta say, its kind of odd...I mean, this is not something you see everyday."
The gorilla takes a sip of his drink and says, "I agree, $14 is a bit much for a Manhatten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dhvm7/an_800_pound_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
%
"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dhst0/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
%
A boy is visiting his grandparents...

He comes out on the porch one day and Grandpa is sitting there, smoking a cigar.
Boy says, "hey Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa asks, "can your dick touch your ass?"
The boy says no.
Grandpa says, "then you're not man enough to have one."
Later that day, Grandpa is sitting in the porch again, this time drinking a beer.
Boy asks if he can have one.
Again Grandpa asks, "can your dick touch your ass?"
Boy says no.
Grandpa says, "then you're not man enough to have one."
That evening, the boy comes out on the porch with a plate of freshly baked cookies.
Grandpa asks, "hey grandson, can I have one of those?"
Boy asks him, "can your dick touch your ass?"
Grandpa says, "hell yes my dick can touch my ass!"
Boy says, "then go fuck yourself, Grandpa, Grandma made these cookies for *me*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dhq9n/a_boy_is_visiting_his_grandparents/
%
I wish my wife looked at me the way my dog does.

You know, waist-high with a bone in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dhpqg/i_wish_my_wife_looked_at_me_the_way_my_dog_does/
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What did one orphan say to the other?

Get in the Batmobile, Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dhpoy/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
%
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein, the seeker, turns around and begins his count to 50. Pascal immediately runs off. Newton, however, takes a marker and draws a meter-by-meter square on the ground. When Einstein finishes his count, he turns around and sees Newton standing in his square. When Einstein exclaims that he found Newton, Newton responds with, "No, one Newton over a square meter is a pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dhmi6/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_playing_hide_and/
%
A man goes to an interview for a lumberman position​

Interviewer: So, what's your experience in the field? Where have you worked?
Man: I have worked in the Amazon forest, in Canada and in the Sahara desert
Interviewer: In the Sahara desert? But there are no trees there
Man: Yeah, now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dhiwh/a_man_goes_to_an_interview_for_a_lumberman/
%
What do you call a rapper that really likes flowers?

Day-Z

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dh9yo/what_do_you_call_a_rapper_that_really_likes/
%
I ran into my Ex the other day.

So I backed up and ran into her again.
Sometimes I miss her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dh9op/i_ran_into_my_ex_the_other_day/
%
If you get hard at a funeral...

...is that a mourning wood?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dh9nu/if_you_get_hard_at_a_funeral/
%
Jamaican Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ‘You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..’
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, ‘I ‘ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.’
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, ‘How could sandals make you a sex freak?’
The Jamaican replied, ‘Just try dem on, Mon.’
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: ‘You got dem on de wrong feet!’
All credit to u/MkaisodL for supplying the link.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dh8bs/jamaican_sandals/
%
I've recently learned the difference between an ass kisser and a shit head.

Depth Perception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dh5ut/ive_recently_learned_the_difference_between_an/
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What is it called when two redheads have a kid?

Ginger bred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dh3d4/what_is_it_called_when_two_redheads_have_a_kid/
%
A police officer just intercepted a secret message between two major gangs...

The message simply said: 5310H55V 0113H
Curious, he tried to decipher it but gave up after a few hours, and asked the rest of his police department if they could help.
After a few days of code cracking, the police department gave up, and sent the cryptic message to the FBI. The brightest minds of the FBI tried and tried to crack the code but still no avail, so after a few weeks they decided to send it to the CIA.
CIA agents could not crack this code either, even their most advanced code crackers had no idea. The agency was getting embarrassed, so they gave the code to the director, who like everyone else, was having a hard time cracking the code.
His secretary came in to give him his morning coffee and he put the code down on the table, she looks at it and says 'huh... how rude'. Then it dawned on the Director...
Everyone was reading the code upside down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dh39c/a_police_officer_just_intercepted_a_secret/
%
My Internet stopped working for 5 minutes.

Met my parents.
They're nice people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dh2i1/my_internet_stopped_working_for_5_minutes/
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Christian & The Bear

A Christian was hiking in the wilderness, he stumbles upon a bear. The bear starts chasing him! The Christian is now cornered, he gets on one knee and says "Lord, turn this bear into a Christian" the bear creeps up closer and closer, and then gets on one knee and says "Lord, thank you so much for this meal I'm about to receive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dh25g/christian_the_bear/
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I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…

The heroin worked a treat for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dh1ch/i_decided_to_try_the_ancient_chinese_practice_of/
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If you're ever attacked by a group of clowns...

Don't hesitate. Go straight for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dh1bg/if_youre_ever_attacked_by_a_group_of_clowns/
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What does the Pope use to get you out of jail?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgyyl/what_does_the_pope_use_to_get_you_out_of_jail/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic

About halfway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgx4v/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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I didn't know what to wear to the premature ejaculation ball

So I came in my pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgtf7/i_didnt_know_what_to_wear_to_the_premature/
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As a German, do you know what grinds our gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgsa5/as_a_german_do_you_know_what_grinds_our_gears/
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Why is North Korea so heartless?

because they have no seoul
ahahahah.. please laugh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgs8f/why_is_north_korea_so_heartless/
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Said the nun as the bishop withdrew (xpost /r/limericks)

Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
"Not bad for a bishop, it's true,
but the prick of the vicar
is slicker and thicker
and two inches longer than you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgquy/said_the_nun_as_the_bishop_withdrew_xpost/
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There is this old wooden pillar in my town where all of the homeless people defecate. We call it...

shitpost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgpb4/there_is_this_old_wooden_pillar_in_my_town_where/
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A traveler notices an old man pounding drinks in an Irish pub...

He walks over and asks if the man is ok. He replies, "You know, I built the bridge that spans the stream in the middle of this village. But do you think they call me MacInnis the bridge builder?"
"No?" Responded the traveler.
"You're damn right they don't. I fought for the Allies against the Nazis in World War II. But do they call me MacInnes the soldier?"
"No they don't," said the traveler.
"Not once. I taught English for 30 years in the village schoolhouse. But do they call me MacInnes the schoolteacher?"
"I'm guessing not."
"Of course not!" spat MacInnes. He downed the last of his whiskey. "But you fuck one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgoo6/a_traveler_notices_an_old_man_pounding_drinks_in/
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If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?

An airplane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dglaa/if_two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right_what_do_two/
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A woman sat down in her seat on an airplane

Next to a well dressed man. After 5 minutes the man sneezed, wiped his nose, and pulled out his penis to wipe it off. The lady was shocked but didn't say anything. 5 minutes later the same thing happened; sneeze, wipe nose, wipe penis.
After happening a few more times the lady leaned over and said, "excuse me sir, I apologize for intruding but could you tell me what you're doing?"
The gentleman apologized profusely and said, "I have a disorder where every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. As you might imagine this can be quite messy if I don't clean up."
With a concerned look on her face the lady asked, "are you able to take anything for it?"
With a huge smile he said, "yeah! Pepper!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgke5/a_woman_sat_down_in_her_seat_on_an_airplane/
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I went to a library and asked for a book on pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat

The librarian said,"That rings a bell, but I'm not sure whether it is here or not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgkdb/i_went_to_a_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
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I am happy to say that I finally quit drinking for good!

Now I drink for evil!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgk8f/i_am_happy_to_say_that_i_finally_quit_drinking/
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I see you're still constipated, Watson.

No shit, Sherlock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgf2z/i_see_youre_still_constipated_watson/
%
I was going to watch crossroads with Britney Spears

But she cancelled at the last minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgest/i_was_going_to_watch_crossroads_with_britney/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgdbm/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
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My friend Tanner has always been a bit of a 1-upper... [long]

My friend Tanner has always been a bit of a 1-upper, after all he's a competitive guy. So one day he comes up to me and says "Gabe, how would you like to race?" I agree and we race, I crossed the finish line and sure enough he beat me. He goes to me and says "it doesn't matter how fast you are, you could be as fast as Usain Bolt, no matter what, I will always be faster." The next day my friend comes up to me and says "I bet I can lift more than you" so I accept his challene and were off to see who can lift more weight. We enter the weight room, I do my set, "that's nothing" he remarks, he goes on to lift twice as much. Afterward he comes up to me and says "it doesn't matter how strong you are, you could be as strong as a gorilla, no matter what, I will always be stronger". The next day he comes to me and says "Hey I'm willing to bet I'm smarter than you" accepting his bet we go on our ways to take an IQ test, when we get our results his is several points higher, he says to me "it doesn't matter how smart you are, you could be as intelligent as Albert Einstein, no matter what, I will always be smarter" at this point im starting to lose hope if I'll ever beat him. The following day however, he comes to me with an odd request "can I see your arm?" He asks. I oblige thinking it odd and quickly he resolves "ah, just what I thought" seeing this I ask "what do you mean?" He looks at me for a good 10 seconds and says, slowly "it doesn't matter how dark your skin is, you could he black, no matter what, I will always be Tanner".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgcqm/my_friend_tanner_has_always_been_a_bit_of_a/
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I had a crush on a girl with a lazy eye.....

We never hooked up, she was always seeing someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgayo/i_had_a_crush_on_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
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Friendship between man and woman.

Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
___
*This is a repost but I really think we should never let this die.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dgajo/friendship_between_man_and_woman/
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Cop: Pull over!

No its a cardigan but thanks for noticing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dg9xc/cop_pull_over/
%
Did you hear the one about the man who lived in constant fear of pillow fights?

He slept with a pillow under his pillow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dg9v8/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_man_who_lived_in/
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A latino goes to buy soda for 75 cents, he puts in 65

The machine reads "dime" so he gets closer and whispers "quiero Pepsi".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dg96i/a_latino_goes_to_buy_soda_for_75_cents_he_puts_in/
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Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation..

Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dg6s4/two_romans_were_in_a_bar_having_a_conversation/
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A monk was determined to seek immortality...

But after months, years, decades of training, he still failed. seeking after wisdom and enlightment, he went to his teacher and said "Master, how must I achieve the secret of immortality?"
"Have you seen the warm glow of the sun slowly creep behind the majestic mountains?" the master asked.
"Yes, my teacher."
"Have you travelled to the highest of the peaks and admired the blazing beauty of the snow?"
"Yes."
"Have you gazed at the endless stars in awe for an entire night?"
"Yes."
"That's the problem. You keep watching that shit instead of training."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dg4kk/a_monk_was_determined_to_seek_immortality/
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What does Optimus Prime say when he wants a symphonic band?

"Autobots, ensemble!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dg3qr/what_does_optimus_prime_say_when_he_wants_a/
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the blonde and the brunette sister

Two sisters, one is blonde and one is brunette, are trying to start a farm. The brunette sister finds a prized bull in the classified and leaves to check it out. She tells the blonde that she will contact her to come haul the bull back to the farm if she decides to buy it.
The brunette goes to the farm and decides to buy it. The farmer tells her that the bull will cost exactly $599, no less. So she buys the bull and heads to town to contact her sister. The only person she can find to help her is a telegraph operator.
The operator tells her "It costs 99 cents per word, what would you like to send?"
The brunette replies "Well I only have $1 left." She thinks for a while and tells the operator she wants to send the word 'comfortable.'
The operator asks "How will she know you bought the bull and want her to bring the haul from the word comfortable?"
The brunette replies "She's a slow reader."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dg2my/the_blonde_and_the_brunette_sister/
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My dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex…

We laughed about it for a while.
Then I remembered me and my wife have different dentists…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dg2k2/my_dentist_reminded_me_about_my_wifes_sensitive/
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Blonde vs lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."
"No," she says, "I just want to sleep."
He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says if he gets it wrong he will pay her five hundred dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.
"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.
She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.
He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her, "So what is the answer?"
She hands him 5 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dg2ag/blonde_vs_lawyer/
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Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike

My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dg1r1/losing_my_virginity_was_like_how_i_learned_to/
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Princess Dianna was on the radio the night she died.

And the steering wheel, and the dashboard, and the windshield...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dg07a/princess_dianna_was_on_the_radio_the_night_she/
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Like A Boss

Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfz87/like_a_boss/
%
A guy fell in a puddle

Everybody was laughing but i have a dry sense of humor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfypl/a_guy_fell_in_a_puddle/
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You know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. I am german, our gearboxes are flawless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfv9y/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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A gymnast walks into a bar...

She is then deducted 5 points

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfre0/a_gymnast_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Someone stole my antidepressants

Whoever you are, I'm not happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfqca/someone_stole_my_antidepressants/
%
Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.

If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfp4v/many_people_are_surprised_by_the_engagement_of/
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You've really got to hand it to short people....

Because they can't reach for it anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfohh/youve_really_got_to_hand_it_to_short_people/
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What do you give a cannibal that is late to dinner?

The cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfoef/what_do_you_give_a_cannibal_that_is_late_to_dinner/
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Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfnyh/funny_that_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_tons_of_girls/
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Just quit my job at the helium factory.

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfla6/just_quit_my_job_at_the_helium_factory/
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A man walks into the local ice cream parlor..

A man walks into the local ice cream parlor and tells the attendant he wants a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of strawberry and a gallon of chocolate ice cream.
"Sorry" says the attendant, "we're all out of chocolate ice cream."
"In that case" says the man, "I'll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate."
"I told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream, buddy" says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.
"OK, in that case" says the man, "I'll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate."
"Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?"
"Van" he replies, "But what does that have to do with ice cream?"
"Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?"
"Straw" he answers, "But I still don't understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?"
"What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?" asks the attendant.
"Wait a minute" says the man, "there's no fuck in chocolate!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you, dick brain, now get out of my store."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfl3b/a_man_walks_into_the_local_ice_cream_parlor/
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A man in a coma is like a non-responsive Windows program

You can either wait for it to respond or terminate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfjkx/a_man_in_a_coma_is_like_a_nonresponsive_windows/
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I broke the law in front of a Jamaican selling spices

He said I'm a cinnamon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfi7x/i_broke_the_law_in_front_of_a_jamaican_selling/
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What do you call an atheist business?

A non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfel5/what_do_you_call_an_atheist_business/
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There are plenty of fish in the sea...

...and they're easy to catch if you've got a big rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dfbu8/there_are_plenty_of_fish_in_the_sea/
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Newtons Law

What is Newton's Third Law of Women?
For every male action, there is a female overreaction. :p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6df92e/newtons_law/
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If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship

Well then I've got some news for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6df5xn/if_youre_genuinely_asking_me_to_choose_between_my/
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Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:
Ben is in a hurry.
Ben is in a coma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6df3wm/commas_can_change_the_meaning_of_a_sentence/
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If I was a pro-life picketer

My sign would say "You Can't De-Fetus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6deysg/if_i_was_a_prolife_picketer/
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My new nick name didn't work.

My friend said if another guy tries to hit on her with a fake name, she'd blow a fuse.
To which I replied, "Hey nice to meet you,  I'm A fuse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6deut1/my_new_nick_name_didnt_work/
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What did Trump say to the Russian Hooker?

Yer an eight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6detrj/what_did_trump_say_to_the_russian_hooker/
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Did you hear about the man arrested for throwing stones and sticks in the river?

There was damming evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6deskn/did_you_hear_about_the_man_arrested_for_throwing/
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There are two types of people in the world:

those who need closure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dese9/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
My doctor asked me about the symptoms

I answered: "Well, Marge has blue hair and Homer is fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6deqlh/my_doctor_asked_me_about_the_symptoms/
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A Grasshopper walks into a bar

He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender gets his drink and hands it to him. "You know, we have a drink named after you," says the bartender trying to make small talk. The grasshopper looks up and says, "You have a drink named Steve?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6delrt/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
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Sadder ending ....

A journalist goes to Afganistan for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"
The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.
The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!"
The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"
The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dejxm/sadder_ending/
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Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets?

It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6degt6/why_are_japanese_people_so_obsessed_with_healthy/
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Why did the robber shave his entire body?

So he could be a smooth criminal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6deg3q/why_did_the_robber_shave_his_entire_body/
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What does an academic dwarf call his axes?

x and y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6defso/what_does_an_academic_dwarf_call_his_axes/
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What did the ICE agents say after they finished eating at a diner?

"I think we'll take Juan for the road too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dedel/what_did_the_ice_agents_say_after_they_finished/
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A women is home when there's a knock on the door.

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady,  "Do you have a Vagina?"  She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman,  "Do you have a Vagina?"  She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice,  "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."  The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife,  "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."  She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks,  "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady.  The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6de8ph/a_women_is_home_when_theres_a_knock_on_the_door/
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Women are like parking lots.

When all the good ones are taken sometimes you have to put it in a disabled one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6de7a0/women_are_like_parking_lots/
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A new study came out today showing that kids who are NOT vaccinated are actually more likely to have autism.

Turns out autism is hereditary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6de606/a_new_study_came_out_today_showing_that_kids_who/
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I'm a scientist studying the effect of bestiality on animal psychology.

If you have any questions, you can find me in my lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6de5bv/im_a_scientist_studying_the_effect_of_bestiality/
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A rich billionaire and a poor man meet for Christmas

As their yearly tradition goes, they meet and tell each other what they got their wives for Christmas. The rich man goes first.
" I got my wife a Mercedes-Benz and a ring made from the world's rarest diamonds for my wife for Christmas."
"Why so?" asks the poor man
"Well, I bought her the car so that she could drive back to the jewelry store if she didn't like the ring. Tell me, what did you get your wife this Christmas?"
"I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for Christmas."
"Why so?" asks the rich man
"So that she can go f*ck herself if she doesn't like the slippers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6de4xd/a_rich_billionaire_and_a_poor_man_meet_for/
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There are only two seasons in Russia:

Winter and nuclear winter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6de40n/there_are_only_two_seasons_in_russia/
%
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6de271/what_kind_of_exercise_do_lazy_people_do/
%
What's black and loud?

Stevie Wonder answering an iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6de1xl/whats_black_and_loud/
%
What's the point of having Hellen Keller's house turned into a museum?

If she never saw it why should I?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6de1ap/whats_the_point_of_having_hellen_kellers_house/
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Police issued a warning of an escape criminal who is a mime

The police also said that the criminal have done unspeakable things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6de13x/police_issued_a_warning_of_an_escape_criminal_who/
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Almost Screamed

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Yeah," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ddzl7/almost_screamed/
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Give a man a fire

, he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he'll be warm the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ddzj7/give_a_man_a_fire/
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I'm a pro at sleeping

I can even do it with my eyes closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ddxjh/im_a_pro_at_sleeping/
%
Another joke my grandpa used to tell me

"So, there was this Nazi who walked into a bar. It was mine, and he died on the spot."
He then cackled maniacally, and I never understood the joke until I found out that BAR= Browning Automatic Rifle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ddvu9/another_joke_my_grandpa_used_to_tell_me/
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Did you hear about that guy who got the whole left side of his body paralyzed?

I heard he's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ddvgu/did_you_hear_about_that_guy_who_got_the_whole/
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How do you put on a fitted bed sheet correctly the first time?

Step 1: Wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ddvcb/how_do_you_put_on_a_fitted_bed_sheet_correctly/
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Why did the ex Vice President dance so procedurally?

He invented an Al-Gore-Rhythm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dds9l/why_did_the_ex_vice_president_dance_so/
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You know what? I'm sick of following my dreams!

I'm just going to ask where they're going, and catch up with them later.
--RIP Mitch Hedberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ddp8z/you_know_what_im_sick_of_following_my_dreams/
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The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ddnkc/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
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You know what really grinds my gears?

Insufficient lubrication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ddk6m/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ddjl4/two_engineers_were_standing_at_the_base_of_a/
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One wish

Paul is walking on the beach when he founds a metal lamp, he starts to clean it and a Genie appears
- Finally, - says the Genie - 300 years waiting!, Ok human, I can grant you one wish, ask whatever you want, but be aware that my power is limited.
- Ok, let me think for a moment and... Hey! What do you mean "one" wish? Shouldn't be three?
- Sorry mate, that promotion ended last century, you can only have one.
After thinking for a few minutes Paul looks at the Genie and says:
- I have always wanted to travel to Europe but I'm affraid of planes. I want a motorway from America to Europe and I want to be the one that can charge for tolls
- Are you mental? Don't you know how much that would cost? Materials, logistics and don't let me even start with the impact to the environment. Ask for something else, what about money? I bet you can do fun things with a few millions.
After thinking for a few more minutes Paul looks at​the Genie once again and says:
- Ok then I have always had troubles with the ladies, I miss hints, I always say something wrong, and it doesn't matter how much information I get from Reddit, I always fail to seduce women. So... I want to be able to understand what women want!
...
...
...
- The motorway, how many lines you said you want?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ddfqi/one_wish/
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My dog is always so excited when I wake up each morning...

It means it is her turn to use my pillow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ddfok/my_dog_is_always_so_excited_when_i_wake_up_each/
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Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too.  When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ddfek/two_retired_business_men_sitting_on_a_beach/
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How to tumble down stairs:

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Step 5
Step 6
Step 7
Step 8
Step 9,10,11,12...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dde05/how_to_tumble_down_stairs/
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A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.
When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he could cool down.
The mechanic reply "there is an ice cream parlor a few blocks up the street" so the penguin thanked him and waddled up to the parlor. When he got there he ordered the biggest cup of vanilla ice cream they had.
After awhile of enjoying his ice cream he started to head back to the mechanic. When he got back the mechanic said
"Hey it looks like you blew a seal" then the penguin shouted "No no! It's just vanilla ice cream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ddbcv/a_penguin_broke_down_in_las_vegas/
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A lawyer and a priest are on a plane full of children that is about to crash..

There are only two parachutes left so the lawyer takes one and hands the other to the preist.
The priest says "What about the kids?" The lawyer relies "fuck um" so the priest says "do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dd9lm/a_lawyer_and_a_priest_are_on_a_plane_full_of/
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A Chinese man and a Jewish man walk into a bar...

Before long they are arguing...
Jewish man: "You know what, I hate you."
Chinese man: "For what?"
Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!"
Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"
Jewish man: "Eh, Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?"
Chinese man: "Well you know what, I hate you."
Jewish man: "For what?!?"
Chinese man: "The Titanic!"
Jewish man: "An iceberg sunk the Titanic!"
Chinese man: "Eh, iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dd802/a_chinese_man_and_a_jewish_man_walk_into_a_bar/
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Brake Fluid

A mechanic was working under a car when some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. At first he spit it out, but he found that the aftertaste was not tha bad. He continued working under the car when some more brake fluid found its way into his mouth. This time he swallowed. He really liked the taste of brake fluid! Soon enough, his coworkers found him drinking brake fluid from a cup in the shop. "I don't think that's safe" a concerned coworker pleaded. "You should not be drinking anymore brake fluid, dude" another said. "Don't worry" the mechanic assured them, "I can stop anytime!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dd49y/brake_fluid/
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What do you call a gymnast with a low IQ?

A flippin' idiot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dd3lu/what_do_you_call_a_gymnast_with_a_low_iq/
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The Spice Mafia

It is a little known fact that some people want spices that they cannot obtain legally. Be it decades-old oregano, salt from the Last Supper, or the flesh of Sean Spicer, some people love strange and unusual spices. However, in order to obtain these spices, they only have one place to turn: the Spice Mafia, a gang of international criminals who have mastered the art of culinary crime.
When I moved a few weeks ago, I had been warned of the Spice Mafia. I was told to keep my nose clean, and my dishes bland, lest I incur their wrath. I didn't really think much of it at the time.
Two weeks ago, I had gotten out of bed to grab a glass of water, when I heard some strange noises coming from outside. I leaned my head out the window and saw a man digging a hole in my lawn. I yelled at him, and he ran away. Not thinking much of it, I grabbed my water and went back to bed.
The next morning, I went outside and filled in the hole. All through the week, I had some problems with an annoying sneeze. I didn't put that together with the occasional clouds of black dust that would appear when I opened drawers and doors until recently.
A week later, I was woken up by similar noises. I went outside and started yelling. This time there were two of them, but they ran away again. I decided to fill the hole back in then and there, rather than waiting until the morning.
Over the next week, I asked around about what had been going on, and learned about the Spice Mafia. I found out that the local ring was run by one of the toughest Spice Gangsters in the world, Papa Rika. I began planning my counter attack, and preparing for when they came back.
A week later, I was waiting by the window when I saw four men walk up to my lawn. They began digging, just as they had the past two weeks. I let them continue.
When their shovels were thrown to the ground, I moved. I came out of the house, yelling as loud as I could. They didn't run this time; the four of them together could easily beat me in a fair fight. Fortunately, I had brought the one weapon one can use against the Spice Mafia - Pepper Spray.
As they ran off screaming and crying, I examined the hole they had dug. Inside was a metal box. I took it into the house to examine it further. It was clearly old, and had probably been there since before I moved in. It was also unlocked.
I opened the box to find that it was filled with glass jars. All of them had been filled with ground-up leaves, and were expertly preserved. Examining the labels, I couldn't find one that was less than a century old. I also began noticing that they were all the same spice. That's when I realized...
since I moved in, I've been living on burrowed thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dd0sr/the_spice_mafia/
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I almost told myself I was going to stop drinking

But I'm not about to start listening to some damn alcoholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dcukq/i_almost_told_myself_i_was_going_to_stop_drinking/
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The Rodeo Position NSFW

Two men were conversing about their favorite sex positions on their way down to the ranch:
One of the men said "The rodeo position is my favorite but my wife never wants to try it again."
"I reckon I've heard of every position before but not of any 'rodeo' position before." the second man replied
"Well here is how it works" the first man started " Ask your wife to take off all her clothes, take off yours, get on her back, cup her breasts, then whisper in her ear 'Oh boy, these sure feel just like your sister's ', then hang on for as long as possible! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dctx4/the_rodeo_position_nsfw/
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Pregnant Italian lover

A married man who had an Italian lover for many years learned one day that she was pregnant. The two struck up a deal, in which she would return to Italy to give birth to their child and keep his identity secret in exchange for a large sum of money. In addition, the father would continue to provide for his child financially until he or she turned 18.
They also agreed that when the child was born, she would let him know by sending an anonymous postcard that simply read: “spaghetti.”
Nine months passed, and one day the man came home from work and his wife said to him, “We got a very weird postcard today.” She handed it to him and it read: “Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without them. Please send more sauce.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dcqpv/pregnant_italian_lover/
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Somebody stole my mood ring

I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dcq1y/somebody_stole_my_mood_ring/
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The other day my friend told me I was delusional...

...I nearly fell off of my unicorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dcmvc/the_other_day_my_friend_told_me_i_was_delusional/
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I'm in a complex relationship right now

she's the imaginary part

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dcmce/im_in_a_complex_relationship_right_now/
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A sheriff had a deputy named Wait

The sheriff and his deputy, Wait, were trying to track down a couple of bad guy brothers with the last name Joke.
They got a lead that the Joke brothers were working with a guy named This One. They had reason to believe that This One was hanging out with a notorious perp named Me. So, they put a bug in Me's car to see if they could catch him driving around with This One.
One day, the Sheriff and his deputy Wait were driving separate cop cars following Me to keep an eye on him and listen in on the bug in his car. All of a sudden, the sheriff thought he saw a Joke brother, so he took off chasing him. Wait continued to follow Me.
Moments later, the Sheriff radioed, "I've got a Joke. Wait, stop Me if you've heard This One."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dcj0t/a_sheriff_had_a_deputy_named_wait/
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Why is American beer served cold?

So you can tell it from urine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dcf51/why_is_american_beer_served_cold/
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A German SS Officer back in 1940 walked into a bar and ordered a drink...

And the bartender gave him the requested drink after accepting the required currency because Nazi Germany does not have a sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dce8x/a_german_ss_officer_back_in_1940_walked_into_a/
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None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dcb6p/none_of_my_european_electronics_worked_properly/
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I ran into an acquaintance of yours the other day

He said you didn't have shit for brains.
But I defend you and said you did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dcb1y/i_ran_into_an_acquaintance_of_yours_the_other_day/
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A thief stole my wife's credit card,

I let him keep it Because he spends less than my wife does, I said to the police officer,
The officer says, then how come you are reporting it to me a year later,
I said "because the theif's wife started to use it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dc9c3/a_thief_stole_my_wifes_credit_card/
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A man is walking into a bar

Right before he enters, someone stops him and says: "don't go in there, it's a fucking joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dc8ot/a_man_is_walking_into_a_bar/
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Husband on second day of marriage...

...goes to the beautician who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her beautifully packed iphone 7 plus box.
She opened the box with great happiness and was depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said
' same feeling '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dc3hr/husband_on_second_day_of_marriage/
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How did Jesus keep his form?

He did cross-fit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dc1oo/how_did_jesus_keep_his_form/
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A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death...

His family didn't bereave him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dc0u3/a_japanese_man_once_tried_to_fake_his_own_death/
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What's older than your mom jokes?

Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dc0iv/whats_older_than_your_mom_jokes/
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Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbvtc/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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Girls are like pi.

Irrational and complicated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbvoz/girls_are_like_pi/
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.....

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbt9l/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
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How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat?

When she fits into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbszk/how_do_you_know_when_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
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My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn’t woken up once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbqzc/my_wifes_doctor_prescribed_her_a_new_pill/
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"Checkmate"

"No, she's Austrian, but her father was Czech"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbq4c/checkmate/
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I hate it when people lie to me...

Like one time I broke up with a girl who told me she had a bunch of Abandonment issues. I looked it up online and it's not even a real magazine.
So I just up and packed my things and left in the middle of the night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbkwq/i_hate_it_when_people_lie_to_me/
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Uncle Jack

You are a farmer. Your father owns the farm. You live with your father Jim, your mother Ruth, your uncle Jack, and your brother Michael. Your father is in charge of the farm, so he takes care of all of the animals, the crops, and manual labor. Your mother cooks and cleans. Your brother is too young to help out on the farm so he helps his mother in the kitchen. Your uncle Jack is an older fella; weak in the bones. He sits atop his high horse guiding a sheep dog to corral the sheep. One evening close to sundown you hear your uncle's voice crying for help. You run off into the field to see what is going on. Uncle Jack pulled a muscle in his back and cannot get off of his horse. The question remains, do you help your uncle Jack off a horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbkev/uncle_jack/
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How did the tortoise win the race?

He recruited dudes with some cross-hares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbhfa/how_did_the_tortoise_win_the_race/
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Bar Contest

So a guy who's new in town walks into the nearest water hole. As he walks in he see this huge jar full of ten dollar bills. Curious, he asks the barman what its all about.
"If you can complete three challenges you win the whole jar."
The guy thought there must have been thousands in the jar so he asked how to claim the money.
"Put $10 in and i'll tell ya."
So the man puts ten dollars in the jar.
"Alright, first thing you gotta do is drink one whole gallon of this tequila," he holds up a huge gallon of some nasty looking liquor. "...in one gulp without breath. After that, there's a mean Rottweiler out back with a sore tooth that needs to be pulled. When that's done, there's an 80 year old woman upstairs that hasn't made love all her life, you gotta make it right with her. Then you get the jar."
The stranger is appalled and concedes his ten dollars. A few beers later and he asks for the gallon of tequila. He puts the jug to his lips and gulps and gulps, tears streaming down his face, but he downs it in one go. He then goes outside, followed by a big crowd. Inside they could hear a lot of yelling and barking. Finally they heard a little whine and then... Silence. The man comes back into the bar grinning and says, "Now where's the old lady with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbgys/bar_contest/
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A cannibal is crying next to a pile of shit.

"What's wrong?", another asks.
"I just dumped my girlfriend", he sobs in reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbfp2/a_cannibal_is_crying_next_to_a_pile_of_shit/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbffb/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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"Mom, why do I have bigger breasts than all the other girls in sixth grade, is it because I'm a blonde?"

No, my dear, that's because you're 19

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbej8/mom_why_do_i_have_bigger_breasts_than_all_the/
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I tried to stick a telescope up my ass but it got stuck

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but in hindsight...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbahw/i_tried_to_stick_a_telescope_up_my_ass_but_it_got/
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What do you do when you see a space man?

Park in it man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dbaeh/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_space_man/
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What's the difference between a weed and a lion in drag?

One is a dandelion and one is a dandy lion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6db60g/whats_the_difference_between_a_weed_and_a_lion_in/
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How does a cannibal say hello?

He offers you a handshake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6db3dy/how_does_a_cannibal_say_hello/
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TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.
Credit to u/Gagu_1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6db38e/til_after_pearl_harbor_us_warships_fired_upon/
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There are two types of people in the world

Those who can draw a conclusion from a single piece of information

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6db1zr/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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How do you fix a broken tuba?

With a tuba glue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6db1ym/how_do_you_fix_a_broken_tuba/
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My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had drinks.Cool guy,wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6db1q0/my_wife_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out_instead_of/
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If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?
-Caroline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6daxvz/if_james_bond_led_such_a_highrisk_lifestyle/
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British & French cats swim across the channel

A British cat called "one two three" swims across the English Channel. At the same time, a French cat called "un deux trois", swims from the opposite direction. Which cat makes it? "one two three" because un deux trois Cat Sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dawpr/british_french_cats_swim_across_the_channel/
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I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with an interest in bestiality.

But eventually I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dauwv/i_used_to_be_a_sadistic_necrophiliac_with_an/
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what did one butt cheek say to the other?

"if we stick together, we can stop this shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dasvy/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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If I had an atom bomb for every gender...

I'd force Japan to surrender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dasmk/if_i_had_an_atom_bomb_for_every_gender/
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Fathers advice to son

Dad: Hey son, if you masturbate 10,000 times in your lifetime you will go blind.
Son: Daddy, Daddy I'm over here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6das49/fathers_advice_to_son/
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The great thing about the Alzheimers museum is...

No matter how many times you go, it always seems new.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6daph0/the_great_thing_about_the_alzheimers_museum_is/
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A joke my Grandpa liked to tell me

Every day, the barber at the local barber shop told everybody about this dumb kid that he met. He said that every single time he saw him, he'd give him a choice between five dimes and one dollar, and the kid chose the fifty cents every single time.
Then, the kid comes into the barber shop, and the barber goes to show everyone how stupid this kid was. He pulled out five dimes, and one dollar, and said "Pick one."
As usual, the kid picked the fifty cents. The barber had a good laugh, and later left work. Later in the evening, he saw the kid standing outside of an ice cream store that offered one cone for fifty cents. The barber walked up to the kid and asked "You know, you seem like a bright kid, so how come whenever I give you the choice between the dimes and the dollar, you always take the dimes?"
With a vanilla-coated smirk, the boy replied "Because the day I take the dollar is the day you stop giving me the fifty cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dagm2/a_joke_my_grandpa_liked_to_tell_me/
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A man walks out of a bar ...

"Don't go in there" he warns a man walking in, "this place is a goddamn *joke*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6dag40/a_man_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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Hey girl, are you from Tennessee?

Because your teeth are missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6da7a8/hey_girl_are_you_from_tennessee/
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A couple dies and goes to heaven

They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.
Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."
The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6da2go/a_couple_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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I only like using sharp pencils...

Otherwise they're pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9x1r/i_only_like_using_sharp_pencils/
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Saw my friend JC with a squinty eye and asked him what happened..

He said he was having a really bad day coz he accidentally jizzed himself in the eye while jerking off.
Basically he said "I came, eye sore."
I concurred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9tae/saw_my_friend_jc_with_a_squinty_eye_and_asked_him/
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"Tell me what you want." I whispered, as I slid my finger up and down her G string…

She said, "I want my guitar back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9soc/tell_me_what_you_want_i_whispered_as_i_slid_my/
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Saying "I'm sorry" is the same as saying "I apologize"

Except at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9rue/saying_im_sorry_is_the_same_as_saying_i_apologize/
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What's the difference between a pickpocketer and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch & the other watches your snatch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9ro5/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocketer_and_a/
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Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They push two twins together and make a king!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9q9j/why_do_the_lannisters_have_such_big_beds/
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Four Nuns die and go to heaven...

...Saint Peter walks up to the gate and asks "do you have any sins you would like to confess?" The first Nun stepped up and said "Yes, I once saw a penis" Saint Peter replied "That's fine, just wash your eyes out in the holy water and go right in".
The second Nun stepped up and said "I once touched a penis" Saint Peter replied "Thats fine, just wash your hands in the holy water and go right through".
The third Nun steps up but the fourth pushes through and shouts "I'm not washing my mouth in it after she's had her arse in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9ojq/four_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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Why do women talk less in february?

Cause there's only 28 days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9oi2/why_do_women_talk_less_in_february/
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Is google a boy or a girl?

Obviously a girl because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9jci/is_google_a_boy_or_a_girl/
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There is a nudist convention happening in my town

I might go if I have nothing on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9hwp/there_is_a_nudist_convention_happening_in_my_town/
%
I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9gty/i_held_the_door_open_for_an_old_japanese_man_and/
%
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece .

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"
The Spaniard replied; "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9gog/some_years_ago_a_small_rural_town_in_spain/
%
Two elderly men in a bar...

...one pipes up and asks his mate
"as we get older would you prefer Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"
Second man replies "Parkinsons, it will be bad enough spilling half my pint, never mind forgetting where I left it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9enw/two_elderly_men_in_a_bar/
%
What do you call an anonymous psychic?

A 4chan teller
...I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9elz/what_do_you_call_an_anonymous_psychic/
%
A Pakistani boy took...

.... admission in an American school ...
Teacher : Whats your name ?
Boy : Nadir
Teacher : No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today.
Boy went home and his mother asked: How was the day Nadir?
Boy : I am an American now, so call me Johnny.
Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up.
Next day he was back to school all bruised ...
Teacher : What happened Johnny ?
Boy: Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9cjg/a_pakistani_boy_took/
%
My friend asked me "What is a palindrome?"

I looked at him and said "Dude, no it's not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9c3u/my_friend_asked_me_what_is_a_palindrome/
%
Obesity

is not because it runs in the family.
It is because, no one runs in the family.!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d99b6/obesity/
%
I was having problems with my computer

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Joshua, the 11 year old next door, who plays League of Legends every day, all night long.
Joshua clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Joshua grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like that little boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d9901/i_was_having_problems_with_my_computer/
%
Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d97ow/mahatma_gandhi_was_a_strange_person/
%
[NSFW] Sad life.

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d94or/nsfw_sad_life/
%
— Is there anybody here named Jeff?

Jeff: Yes.
Geoff: Yeos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d91qi/is_there_anybody_here_named_jeff/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A perfect 10, but completely imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d91cl/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
I didn't know what to wear to the premature ejaculation convention.

So I came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d917y/i_didnt_know_what_to_wear_to_the_premature/
%
I need to poop......

...so much it's become a pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8zpo/i_need_to_poop/
%
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate

They'll kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8z1q/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolate/
%
What's the difference between an ISIS training camp and a Pakistani elementary school?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8y12/whats_the_difference_between_an_isis_training/
%
Tributes from around the globe are still pouring in after the death of Sir Roger Moore…

The one from Vladimir Putin read: "From Russia, with love."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8xts/tributes_from_around_the_globe_are_still_pouring/
%
I finally stood up to the woman who kept asking to give me a "blow job".

It was too uncomfortable when I was sitting down after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8xlc/i_finally_stood_up_to_the_woman_who_kept_asking/
%
My mate is in a band called NS. At first, I was fascinated to find out what it stands for. But now I'm not too bothered.

It's nothing special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8xcn/my_mate_is_in_a_band_called_ns_at_first_i_was/
%
What kind of pasta sauce does Trump LOVE!!!

Putin-esca
I made this up myself just now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8w45/what_kind_of_pasta_sauce_does_trump_love/
%
What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8uuc/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_and_finding/
%
"God, that kid is such a brat." One sausage said to another.

"I dunno," said the other sausage, "I've mettwurst."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8t9i/god_that_kid_is_such_a_brat_one_sausage_said_to/
%
I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8r7p/im_being_attacked_by_russian_hackers/
%
I got banned from the secret cooking society…

For spilling the beans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8qo4/i_got_banned_from_the_secret_cooking_society/
%
I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, that's fine." they replied.
I added, "Your luggage is outside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8q0r/i_said_to_my_parents_mom_dad_ive_decided_to_live/
%
The guy who killed Hitler is my hero

Oh wait...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8jvq/the_guy_who_killed_hitler_is_my_hero/
%
Why can't pirates say the alphabet?

Becuase they get lost at the "c"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8gqr/why_cant_pirates_say_the_alphabet/
%
Way To Heaven

John dies and goes to Heaven. He meets St. Peter at the gate and asks him,
"How do I get into Heaven?"
St Pete: Spell "Love".
John: L - O - V - E
Pete: That's right, you may enter.
John: Boy, that was easy, are you sure that's all there is to it?
St Pete: Yup...by the way, I have to run an errand. Would you please watch the gate for me and if anyone comes just ask them to spell LOVE. If they spell
it right, let them in.
John: OK, I can do that.
Soon Ralph arrives and asks: How do I get in Heaven?
John: Spell LOVE.
Ralph: L - O - V - E.
John: That's right, come on in.
Soon Harry arrives and asks: How do I get in Heaven?
John: Spell LOVE
Harry: L - O - V - E.
John: That's right, come on in.
Soon a woman arrives and as she gets closer John realizes it's his wife.
John: What are you doing here?
Wife: On the way home from your funeral I was in a car accident and died. What do I have to do to get into Heaven?
John: Spell Czechoslovakia........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8f6x/way_to_heaven/
%
Google's Pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza
- So it's a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought it
- OK. Take my order please
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust
- OK! This is it
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- What? I hate vegetables
- Your cholesterol is not good
- How do you know?
-through the subscribers guide
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza,I already take medicine
-you have not taken the  medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drug sale Network
- I bought more from another drugstore
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source
-WHAT THE HELL?
- Enough! I'm sick of google, Facebook, twitter, Whats App. I'm going to an Island without internet,where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me
"I understand sir but you need to renew your passport as it has expired 5 weeks ago...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8dw1/googles_pizza/
%
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted to play 'the Rape Game'.

I said, "Oh my god, NO!"
He said, "That's the spirit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8c7w/my_boyfriend_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_play_the/
%
A blond, a rabbi, a schoolkid, a lawyer, a prostitute, the pope, a pirate and George Bush walk into a bar...

The bartender says:
Is this a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8be9/a_blond_a_rabbi_a_schoolkid_a_lawyer_a_prostitute/
%
An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a stoner are all in hell...

The devil comes up to each of them and says he'll grant them each one wish.
So the devil goes and asks the alcoholic what he would like to wish for and the alcoholic responds "I wish for all the liquor I can drink!" The devil grants his wish and moves on to the sex addict. The sex addict wishes to be able to sleep with any woman whenever he wants, the devil grants his wish and moves onto the stoner. The devil tells the stoner "you have one wish" and the stoner in turn wishes for an endless supply of high quality marijuana. The devil grants his wish and leaves them to their wishes.
A 1000 years pass in hell and the devil decides to check up on each of them.
He goes to check on the alcoholic and the alcoholic has been dead for a while due to severe alcohol poisoning/overdose. The devil then goes to check on the sex addict and finds the sex addict has also been dead for a long while due to excessive STD/HIVs. The devil goes to check on the stoner to find the stoner completely surrounded by weed and tears in his eye, and the stoner says "Please tell me you have a lighter? :("

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8axt/an_alcoholic_a_sex_addict_and_a_stoner_are_all_in/
%
I got banned from the hospital this morning

Apparently "Stroke Patients Here:" Is not what your supposed to do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d8ao0/i_got_banned_from_the_hospital_this_morning/
%
Child's Wisdom

"A little girl was sitting on her grandfather s lap as he read her a bedtime story.From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.Finally she spoke up, Grandpa, did God make you?  Yes, sweetheart,
he answered, God made me a long time ago.  Oh,  she paused, grandpa, did God make me too?  Yes, indeed, honey,  he said, God made you just a
little while ago. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, God s getting better at it, isn t he? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d89qq/childs_wisdom/
%
Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d86mk/today_a_girl_kissed_me/
%
I think my neighbor is stalking me..

she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d863a/i_think_my_neighbor_is_stalking_me/
%
If i had a dollar every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks.

I'd keep repeating to myself "my generation sucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d84bf/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_someone_over_40_told/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks," I said "Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d7x52/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
How can you tell if a sewing machine is trustworthy?

If it seams legit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d7sll/how_can_you_tell_if_a_sewing_machine_is/
%
Doctor's visit

Doctor: It's bad news, Jim.
Jim: What is it, doc?
Doctor: You have to stop masturbating.
Jim: Oh god...why?
Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d7rdt/doctors_visit/
%
I was going to get a brain transplant

But then I changed my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d7r5h/i_was_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
%
How does the lead singer of Nickelback prove his identity?

"Look at this photograph"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d7q8d/how_does_the_lead_singer_of_nickelback_prove_his/
%
What did the Arts Major say to the Business Major?

"Can I take your order?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d7os5/what_did_the_arts_major_say_to_the_business_major/
%
Words can't describe how beautiful you are

So I will use numbers, 5/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d7mw2/words_cant_describe_how_beautiful_you_are/
%
I hate friends who talk about me behind my back.

They discussed me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d7huu/i_hate_friends_who_talk_about_me_behind_my_back/
%
Why did the fish get kicked out of its school?

Because it was caught with seaweed.
BA DUM TSH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d7gi6/why_did_the_fish_get_kicked_out_of_its_school/
%
A man wanted to buy a horse from an old farmer.

He has already paid the old farmer $500. Then a few days later, the farmer came up to him and said, "I'm sorry Johnny, the horse is dead. I can't give you back your money either since the transaction is finished." Johnny was shocked for a while and then he said, "That's fine, just give me the dead horse. I'm going to raffle it.". "Raffle it?" the old farmer asked. Then the old farmer just did what the man said and delivered the corpse of the horse to him. A few days later, the old man got a call from the man. "Good news old farmer, I managed to earn $2495 from the dead horse!" the man said enthusiastically. "How did you pull it off? The horse is dead." the old farmer asked. "I sold 500 raffle tickets for $5 and I gave the dead horse to the winner after the raffle." he answered, "The winner complained so I gave him back his $5. He was then fine with it.". The old farmer was stupefied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d7gi3/a_man_wanted_to_buy_a_horse_from_an_old_farmer/
%
Blonde / Brunette

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d7f0b/blonde_brunette/
%
I have a puzzle that has 3-6 years written on it

But it only took me 5 months to finish it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d7e33/i_have_a_puzzle_that_has_36_years_written_on_it/
%
Women are like parking lots.

The good ones are already taken and the others are either disabled, mother with child, or you pay for your time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d7doy/women_are_like_parking_lots/
%
What do you call a hair that explodes?

Bangs. 😀

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d7cww/what_do_you_call_a_hair_that_explodes/
%
What's the difference between Hitler and a runner?

A runner can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d78cv/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_a_runner/
%
What do you call a nun that works for you?

Nun of your business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d77ek/what_do_you_call_a_nun_that_works_for_you/
%
If I had a dollar every time someone over 40 criticized my generation

I'd be making money in a very weird way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d72to/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_someone_over_40/
%
Solved Problem

An old farmer was having trouble getting his bull to breed with the
cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the
local beerhall.
One of them said, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with
my bull, but I got it fixed really quickly."
"How did you get it fixed?" asked the farmer.
"Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all
over the bull's nose and he got right after her," his friend said.
Ben went home to the farm and decided to try it.  He grabbed a cow,
dipped his fingers in the cow's vagina, and rubbed it all around the
bull's nose.
The bull got a rip-roaring boner and jumped on the cow immediately.
Ben was impressed.  That night, Ben got into bed with his wife and
couldn't get the effect on the bull out of his mind.  As she lay
sleeping, Ben
dipped his fingers into his wife's vagina. Feeling that it was nice
and wet, he rubbed it all around his nose and got a rip-roaring hard
on.  He quickly shook his wife awake and cried out, "Honey, look!"
She rolled over, turned on the light and said, "You mean you woke me
up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a
nosebleed?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d716w/solved_problem/
%
How can you tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d70rn/how_can_you_tell_how_heavy_a_red_hot_chili_pepper/
%
Are You Sure

A forester is very much bored with his job in the forest mountains.
He is bored because he hasn't had sex for many years. He decides to go
down to the valley to look for females. Before going down, he promises
himself to have sex with the first female he should meet on the way.
He then embarks on his journey and in a short time happens upon a
female horse.
He just can't control his urge for sex, so he says to himself ,
"I'll fuck this horse because I just can't wait anymore."
He chases and chases and chases the horse but cannot catch it.
While chasing, he hears a voice crying for help. He immediately runs
to the source of the voice, where he sees a man trying to rape a
woman. He hurries to help her and is successful.
In return for his heroic behavior, the woman says, "For saving me
from that sex maniac, name your price, and I'll pay it. Anything. I
mean, anything."
The man replies, "Really? Are you sure? Anything?"
When the woman says yes, he excitedly says, "Come on, help me chase
that horse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6zwh/are_you_sure/
%
Problems Of Old Men

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, 'The best
thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee.
I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts.
I have to go over and over again.'
The 85 year-old said, 'The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have
one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on
and it's still a problem.'
Then the 90 year-old said, 'That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am
sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel
movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up
before 7:00 am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6ymt/problems_of_old_men/
%
How do you know if a Girl is ticklish?

Give her a "testicle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6y7e/how_do_you_know_if_a_girl_is_ticklish/
%
If I had a penny for every time I said something stupid

I could get an education

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6y0x/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_time_i_said_something/
%
My Chemistry homework is asking me to rank the bonds by relative strength.

Could Pierce Brosnan or Daniel Craig beat Sean Connery in a fight?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6v9b/my_chemistry_homework_is_asking_me_to_rank_the/
%
RIP: The boiling water.

It will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6siy/rip_the_boiling_water/
%
Whenever I drink the first thing it affects is my balance

Just look at my bank account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6sbj/whenever_i_drink_the_first_thing_it_affects_is_my/
%
Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says: "I think we got this joke wrong".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6ryc/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
%
Did you know that if you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8 Ball, you can see the future?

My friend Keith did once and he said he was gonna die- and he did!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6rvf/did_you_know_that_if_you_drink_the_blue_liquid/
%
Tickets for the Indiana State Philharmonic went up dramatically after they doubled the width of the stage.

You didn't think that the ISP would give out twice the band  width for free did you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6rjc/tickets_for_the_indiana_state_philharmonic_went/
%
My Last 3 Boyfriends gossip

Two female co-workers are chatting it up, and they are discussing the boyfriends they've had in the last year.
One girl says "The last 3 boyfriends I've had, I've named after soda pops. The first one I called 7 Up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up.
The second one I called mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do.
The third I called Jack Daniels. Then the other girl interrupts saying "Hold on a minute. Isn't Jack Daniels hard liquor?"
The girl smiles and says "Yes it is"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6nub/my_last_3_boyfriends_gossip/
%
Honk if you

hate noise pollution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6lj4/honk_if_you/
%
A drunk man is pulled over by a policeman at 2am

The policeman asks, "hey there, may I ask where you're headed?"
"I'm off to a conference about the effects of alcohol. How it affects relationships, the economy, how it has an effect on my children."
"And who, may I ask is leading this conference at this hour?" Asks the policeman.
"My wife when I get home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6kkq/a_drunk_man_is_pulled_over_by_a_policeman_at_2am/
%
How to cook leftovers

Ingredients:
1 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 cup sugar
Pinch of salt
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
5 eggs
2 cups cake flour
STEP ONE- Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.
STEP TWO- Place the butter and sugar in a mixing bowl after greasing the cake pan and beat them together until the mixture is light, fluffy and creamy.
STEP THREE- Add eggs and vanilla.
STEP FOUR- Stir in the cake flour. Keep the hand mixer on low or use a wooden spoon to stir the flour in a bit at a time until it's just incorporated. Be careful not to overmix it.
STEP FIVE- Pour batter into pan.
STEP SIX- Bake the cake for about 75 minutes. After taking it out, wait about ten minutes for it to cool.
STEP SEVEN- Eat about 95% of it.
And voila! You successfully made leftovers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6k2d/how_to_cook_leftovers/
%
A man walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6gqv/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I hate it when engineering students call themselves engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6f75/i_hate_it_when_engineering_students_call/
%
My friend David just lost his ID.

Now he's just Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6dzz/my_friend_david_just_lost_his_id/
%
What did helium say when asked if wanted to date sodiumhypobromite?

He: NaHBrO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6dlm/what_did_helium_say_when_asked_if_wanted_to_date/
%
Interrogation

A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6. He seemed annoyed when I answered, "kindergarten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6b1h/interrogation/
%
Not many people know this but there's actually a bible verse about Shrek

It's called Psalm-BODY ONCE TOLD ME!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6aqa/not_many_people_know_this_but_theres_actually_a/
%
The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6amt/the_women_i_meet_in_bars_have_the_worst_pickup/
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Checking Account

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account”
To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”
“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”
“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem,” the man said, “I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see sir,” the manager said, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d69em/checking_account/
%
I bought shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping ALL DAY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d67uc/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both love to crack a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d65f4/what_do_an_alcoholic_and_a_necrophiliac_have_in/
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Elton John is a great piano player...

...but he sucks on the organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d6534/elton_john_is_a_great_piano_player/
%
jobs

Woman: I don't think I will ever be working there again after what my boss said to me!
Husband: What did he say to you?
Woman: You're Fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d61tc/jobs/
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The Worst Mother In Law Ever

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.
When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.
A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d60qv/the_worst_mother_in_law_ever/
%
Classic hillbillies.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'  The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.  The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never see nobody do it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d60ho/classic_hillbillies/
%
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d5wzs/how_did_rihanna_find_out_chris_brown_was_cheating/
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"What an age-appropriate joke for /r/funny"

An old Jewish man is on his deathbed, and his family is gathered around him. He's too weak to lift his head or even open his eyes, but he can talk to his family.
"Rachel, my beloved wife of fifty-seven years. The love of my life, my soulmate, the woman God created me to be with, are you here?"
She replies "yes, my wonderful husband. I'm here, just like I swore I would be all those years ago at our wedding. I'm here."
The old man smiles. "David, my eldest son, my firstborn, my little mensh. Are you here?"
He replies "yes Father, I'm here, right by your side."
The old man smiles. "Isaac, my brilliant son, my pride and joy, are you here?"
He replies "yes Father, I got the first plane from New York and I'm here."
The old man smiles. "Elijah, my heroic youngest son, who fights for our freedom in the military, are you here?"
He replies "yes Father, I got a leave of absence and I'm here."
The old man smiles. "Sarah, my beautiful daughter, the light of my life, my little angel, are you here?"
She replies "yes abba, I'm here, we're all here, right by your side."
The old man nods. "So who's watching the store?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d5w7f/what_an_ageappropriate_joke_for_rfunny/
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We always teach people not to do drugs because they ruin your life.

Yet we celebrate marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d5s5y/we_always_teach_people_not_to_do_drugs_because/
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What's long, hard and makes kids scream when I give it to them?

A math test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d5pw2/whats_long_hard_and_makes_kids_scream_when_i_give/
%
A cow jumped over a barbed fence

It was udder-destruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d5ltj/a_cow_jumped_over_a_barbed_fence/
%
What do you give to an injured lemon?

Lemon-aid.
Courtesy of my daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d5k5w/what_do_you_give_to_an_injured_lemon/
%
I think I finally understand these dating apps

They all include they want something serious and long-term, so I went on a date last week, and gave her herpes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d5jy7/i_think_i_finally_understand_these_dating_apps/
%
What's the difference between a priest and acne?

The acne waited till I was a teenager to come on my face...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d5gt0/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
%
What's a pirates favourite letter?

It's actually "P". Without it, they'd be irate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d5cln/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
%
Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 35?

36 would be just too many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d5a7y/why_do_mormon_women_stop_having_kids_at_35/
%
I wanted to shoot up the school..

But my mom said "No" which is part of the reason why I'm no longer homeschooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d57cr/i_wanted_to_shoot_up_the_school/
%
So I got a vasectomy...

Turns out it just changes the colour of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d56ng/so_i_got_a_vasectomy/
%
Soon after my girlfriend got pregnant, I got scared. She then got angry and shouted! Then I got high and vanished.

Then we both got bored of Scrabble and had sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d52r7/soon_after_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_i_got/
%
My friend is quitting his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic...

He hasn't gotten a raise in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d50qu/my_friend_is_quitting_his_job_at_the_erectile/
%
What do you call a statistician with two butts?

Biased.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d4zpd/what_do_you_call_a_statistician_with_two_butts/
%
If I had a pound for everytime someone told me I was shit at maths

I'd have £3.62

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d4yco/if_i_had_a_pound_for_everytime_someone_told_me_i/
%
Why I hate sidescrolling games on pc where you can only move to the right side?

It's just d-pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d4y30/why_i_hate_sidescrolling_games_on_pc_where_you/
%
The South American Cocksucking Iguana

A man is having problems with his wife. She's constantly nagging at him and he always seems to be in the dog house.
After a particularly big fight, he begins to drive around aimlessly. He passes a pet store and is seized by a brilliant idea. He'll get a pet for his wife! Maybe it will make her happy,
He stops and goes in to the store. He wanders around looking at all the different animals. He looks at the fish, the birds, the puppies and kittens. Eventually he reaches the lizards. In the corner of the room is a tank labelled with a sign that says only "South American Cocksucking Iguana". He looks hard at the lizard but can't see anything unusual about it.
He goes to the shopkeeper and asks what the deal is with the iguana. Shopkeeper says, "I'll tell you what. Take it in to the bathroom for five minutes and see for yourself."
The man is skeptical and a little weirded out, but figures what the hell? Why not? He takes the lizard in to the bathroom. Five minutes later he emerges with the lizard and a giant smile on his face.
"Holy shit, how much is this thing?" the man asks the shopkeep.
"Two thousand," comes the reply.
"Done," says the man with no hesitation.
He puts the iguana in its tank and packs it carefully in to his car. He drives home and parks in the driveway. As he's walking up the front walk to his house, his wife comes to the door.
"What the fuck is that?" she asks.
"It's a South American Cocksucking Iguana!" the man replies.
"What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?"
The man laughs and says, "Nothing! Get the fuck out of my house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d4xwc/the_south_american_cocksucking_iguana/
%
Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Because he was fat, ugly and no-one liked him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d4ubq/why_didnt_the_skeleton_go_to_the_ball/
%
Dementia

What's the best part about having dementia
You meet someone new every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d4tag/dementia/
%
If I were stranded on a deserted island with 3 things of my choice...

I would have to choose Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal tied to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d4spl/if_i_were_stranded_on_a_deserted_island_with_3/
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98% of all Jeeps ever made are still on the road today.

The other 2% made it home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d4rlj/98_of_all_jeeps_ever_made_are_still_on_the_road/
%
Which Marvel character can beat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d4q4m/which_marvel_character_can_beat_captain_america/
%
What do you call a Jewish fish?

Isra-eel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d4jfv/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_fish/
%
So these 3 guys crash land on an island of cannibals...

They are captured by the cannibals and brought to their leader. The cannibal leader, wanting to be fair, decides to give the men a chance at life. He tells them, 'Go into the jungle, pick ten of any fruit and bring them back here. If you can shove all ten fruits up your butt without making any sound, we will let you live.'
The first guy, who wasn't the brightest bulb, went into the forest and picked ten apples. While he was pushing the third apple up his butt, he screamed in pain and the cannibals killed him and ate him.
The second guy, who was much smarter, went into the jungle and picked ten grapes. One by one he popped them in. On the eighth one, he burst into laughter and the cannibals killed him and ate him.
Up in heaven, the first guy turns to the second and says, 'You were so close! What happened!?'
The second guy, still laughing, says, 'I saw Bill coming back with pineapples.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d4bbe/so_these_3_guys_crash_land_on_an_island_of/
%
What is the difference between a bowling ball and a baby?

I don't have a collection of bowling balls in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d47p8/what_is_the_difference_between_a_bowling_ball_and/
%
Why do disabled people hate Pixar?

Because they can't stand Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d472s/why_do_disabled_people_hate_pixar/
%
What do a Walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They're both looking for a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d46di/what_do_a_walrus_and_tupperware_have_in_common/
%
A daughter walks up to her dad

And says
"Dad.. I'm lesbian".
Her sister standing behind her says
"Me too!"
The dad replies
"Does anybody in this house like boys?!"
"I do!" Says his son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d40ig/a_daughter_walks_up_to_her_dad/
%
How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d3zq9/how_much_milk_do_these_cows_give/
%
Humans vs Robots

A company working on artificial inteleigence created three robots. To test them, the company announced a competition of various tasks between the 3 robots and 3 humans. Lo and behold, the robots won in every category so far, but there still was one; hunting.
In this task, the competitors had to capture a rabbit which would be released into the woods. It was a best 2 out of 3, so whichever team caught it the fastest twice was the winner.
The rabbits were set free, and the robots found it in minutes. A hour later the humans also arrived with the rabbit.
Then the rabbits were released again, the humans ran off to find it, but the robots just stood there, because robots can't recaptcha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d3wmm/humans_vs_robots/
%
Cats are pussy magnets

But dogs get all the bitches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d3v9p/cats_are_pussy_magnets/
%
Jimmy, the electrician's son was grounded by his parents...

I heard his parents say he had no potential

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d3t4i/jimmy_the_electricians_son_was_grounded_by_his/
%
Did you hear the one about the car that miraculously drives itself without having a motor?

I have no idea how that one goes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d3rkq/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_car_that/
%
What's it called when a hillbilly gets resurrected?

Reintarnation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d3ree/whats_it_called_when_a_hillbilly_gets_resurrected/
%
What's the best thing about being a Meth addict?

Only 3 sleeps until Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d3r1h/whats_the_best_thing_about_being_a_meth_addict/
%
Donation to animal shelter

A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity that comes his way. The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet. They go to his door and he answers, "What do you want?"
One of the ladies replies, "Hello Mr. Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn't you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?"
The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, "Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?"
The lady, taken back, replies, "Well.. No... I thought..."
He interrupts her, "Did you also know my sister's husband left her and their two kids without a penny?"
Still stuttering she replies, "Um... Oh my...."
"And my brother lost his legs in the war," The lawyer continues. At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren't saying a word. Then he finishes, "If they don't get a cent, do you expect to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d3qzb/donation_to_animal_shelter/
%
What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with dysentery?

The farmer shucks between fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d3qh6/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_corn/
%
What happens to investigative journalists in Russia?

They're Putin jail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d3nbd/what_happens_to_investigative_journalists_in/
%
My wife told me to get dick pills

She told me to get those pills that make your dick standup.
Man was she surprised when I came back from the pharmacy with diet pills
Pls help, I'm locked out of my house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d3ib2/my_wife_told_me_to_get_dick_pills/
%
What do you call two squids that look alike

itentacle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d3anf/what_do_you_call_two_squids_that_look_alike/
%
My friend was trying to argue why cults are actually good for society.

He said to consider the following.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d3ajt/my_friend_was_trying_to_argue_why_cults_are/
%
There is a university in Germany that continually searches for the biggest piece of wood

Its the Max Plank institute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d38yc/there_is_a_university_in_germany_that_continually/
%
I think my colleagues are gay

Every time I walk by, they mumble 'what an ass'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d35uh/i_think_my_colleagues_are_gay/
%
Why aren't jokes about unemployed people popular?

They don't make any cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d35p5/why_arent_jokes_about_unemployed_people_popular/
%
Onions on Thursday

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.
She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit.  She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she realized she didn't have any onions.
"Well, I certainly cant make a delicious stew without any onions!" she exclaimed.
So, put the rabbit back in the barn and left everything else on the counter.  She donned her bonnet and boots and decided to head down to the market to buy some onions.
She went straight to Tommy's produce stand.  He always had the freshest vegetables.
"Well, top of the morning to you Mrs. O'Malley!  How does this wonderful day find you?" Tommy greeted her.
"Ahh, well Tommy, I was going to make a stew for John, but I don't have any onions." Mrs. O'Malley lamented.
"Well, I'm sorry to say Mrs. O'Malley, but we are fresh out and I don't expect any onions until Thursday." Tommy replied.
"Oh, well I suppose Ill come back then, Tommy.  Have a good day." Mrs. O'Malley said.
Well, Tuesday comes and Mrs. O'Malley sees all of her ingredients for the delicious stew are still on the counter.
"Well, I certainly cant make a delicious stew without onions!  Ill head down to Tommy's, he always has the freshest vegetables!" Mrs. O'Malley claimed excitedly.
So, she donned her bonnet and boots and headed straight away for Tommy's.
"Wellll, its good to see you again, Mrs. O'Malley, and top of the morning to ya.  What can I do for this morning!" Tommy smiled.
"Well Tommy, I was going to make a stew for John, but I don't have any onions.  I came here straight away because you have the freshest onions!" Mrs. O'Malley said matter of factly.
Tommy chuckled, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, you must have forgotten.  Today is Tuesday and I wont have any onions until Thursday!"
"Oh, of course.  I will come back then." Mrs. O'Malley stated.
Wednesday rolls around and Mrs. O'Malley comes downstairs to find all the ingredients for a delicious stew on the table, but alas, there are no onions!
"Well, I cant very well make a delicious stew without any onions!" Mrs. O'Malley exclaimed. "Ill head straight away to Tommy's.  He always has the freshest vegetables."
So, she donned her bonnet and boots and headed for Tommy's.
Tommy see's Mrs. O'Malley headed for his stand and, lets just say Tommy wasn't have a top of the morning.
"Hello, Mrs. O'Malley.  What do you want." Tommy grumbled.
"Well, Tommy, I was going to make a stew---" Mrs. O'Malley started.
"Ya, you were going to make a stew for John and you don't have any onions." Tommy said, cutting her off.
"Well, that's right Tommy, how did you know?" Mrs. O'Malley said surprisingly.
"Mrs. O'Malley, let me ask you a couple of questions. If you take the A-T-O out of potato, what do you get?"
"Well Tommy, I suppose you would get POT." Mrs. O'Malley said.
"Right, okay, if you take the A-T-O of tomato, what do you get?" Tommy asked.
"Well, you would certainly get TOM!" Mrs. O'Malley said with a smile.
"Very good, Mrs. O'Malley, now, if you take the F-U-C-K out of onions, what do you get?" Tommy asked, his patience running thin.
"Well Tommy, I... well, there is no FUCK in onions" Mrs. O'Malley said, very confused.
"THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU MRS. O'MALLEY!" Tommy screamed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d34cr/onions_on_thursday/
%
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly squats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d31zf/what_kind_of_exercise_do_lazy_people_do/
%
My friends told me to stop making chemistry jokes, but then I told just one more

I got no reaction, and now all my friends Argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2xbf/my_friends_told_me_to_stop_making_chemistry_jokes/
%
Why did a blind man fall in a well?

He could not see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2vlu/why_did_a_blind_man_fall_in_a_well/
%
What do you call a noodle in disguise?

An impasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2ujd/what_do_you_call_a_noodle_in_disguise/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants...

bartender asks him " what's up with that steering wheel, that can't be comfortable"?
Pirate says "yahr, it's drivin' me nuts"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2tk9/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lental?

I wouldn't pay to have a lental on my chest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2rq6/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
I am in grape shape...

That is not a typo...I'm round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2pgp/i_am_in_grape_shape/
%
So there's this cheerio who works at Burger King...

And he's a fantastic employee. He constantly washes tables and takes orders without complaints.
Every month, the Burger King Corporation throws a cheerio employee of the month party. It's always been Honey Nut's dream to go, but Fruity always gets to go. Every. Damn. Month. But not this month- No. This is Honey Nut's chance. And the party's in one week. Our boy Honey Nut works extra hard this month. Washing two times the tables and taking two times the orders, this man is destined for a party.
On Wednesday-the party is on Friday-Honey's boss comes up to him and says, "Honey Nut! I have great news! Your hard work and dedication has paid off. You get to go to the CHEERIO OF THE MONTH PARTY!!!!!"
"Seriously?" Honey Nut replies. "This is fantastic!"
So Honey puts on his Sunday best and goes on his way to the party. When he arrives, he is instantly taken away by this smokin' hot babe frosted Cheerio. Now Honey Nut is a pretty confident dude, despite working at burger king, so he goes to talk to her.
"Hey, my name's Honey Nut, and-" Suddenly he's cut off by her. She says (insert Valley Girl voice) "Oh, I only talk to Frosted cheerios."
Honey Nut is crushed. He just goes to his table and drinks milk until he's extremely drunk. I mean, what else would you expect a piece of cereal to drink?
So half a month goes by, and Honey Nut is working harder than ever, cause that's all he knows how to do. One day, his boss comes up to him and says, "Honey. Have I got the opportunity of a lifetime for you. We just got this machine installed that will frost you. You get the chance to become FROSTED!!!!"
Honey Nut steps into the machine and gets-drumroll please- frosted! So he gets invited to the party, and sees the same babe cheerio. They start talking and she actually gives him her time. She seems interested and they talk for so long. After a while, she gets thirsty so he offers to get her a drink. He goes to get her milk, but the line was too long. He went to get her coffee, but the line was out the door. Then he went to get her some punch and guess what? There was no punchline.
Oops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2pf8/so_theres_this_cheerio_who_works_at_burger_king/
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Our neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs

We've been his customers for 6 years. We had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2opn/our_neighborhood_barber_just_got_arrested_for/
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A man walks into a zoo

But he finds no animals, except a dog. He finds a zookeeper and asks him, "what's so special about this dog that you guys got rid of the other animals?"
The zookeeper replies, "Nothing, it's just a shitzu."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2oen/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo/
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Why does Google like Israel?

Because Israel's leader is Not In Yahoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2o5f/why_does_google_like_israel/
%
Why are broccoli and anal sex the same?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2npa/why_are_broccoli_and_anal_sex_the_same/
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A long time ago, an Indian chief fell into an outhouse.

An Indian chief fell into an outhouse.
Several days later a man went into the outhouse and noticed the chief. Startled the man asked, "How long have you been in there?"
"Many moons my son, many moons!"
And that was my favorite joke as a kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2n9d/a_long_time_ago_an_indian_chief_fell_into_an/
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St. Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates..

St. Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2mf6/st_peter_is_checking_ids_at_the_pearly_gates/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2lom/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
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Pain.

Two young boys are waiting for their
surgery…
“What operation are you having done?”
“Getting my tonsils out, what about you?”
“Circumcision”
“Oh that’s bad, I had that done when I was born
and I couldn’t walk for a year”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2ja6/pain/
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My friend became rich after starting a home business selling human organs.

Now he's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2fha/my_friend_became_rich_after_starting_a_home/
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Choking on the Phonetic Alphabet

Last week, I was registering for a website when I ran into a little trouble and had to call their customer support. We were going through some basic form information and he was having trouble understanding my spelling so he told me to use the phonetic alphabet.
For those of you that don't know, the phonetic alphabet is using words in place of letters when spelling something out (like A = Alpha, B = Beta, C = Charlie, etc.)
Now I don't know about you guys but whenever I try to do something like this, my mind just freezes up completely. My mind immediately just goes towards the worst words to use.
"P..p...uh...perpendicular?"
"E...........ecs...tacy..."
At this point I was getting really nervous. I could tell it was starting to get awkward for him on the other end.
"D...Democratic Party...oh sorry that's two words but I just meant Democratic"
"Orifice" He had trouble hearing that one so I tried to give another one. "Oxygen".
"Principal". That one was easy since it was my job at one point.
"Homo...sapien..." Whew. Close one.
"Inception". "Love". "E-mail".
Finally, I was done. We finished up the registration a few minutes later and I was super relieved to just be done with it.
Does this happen to anyone else?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2cac/choking_on_the_phonetic_alphabet/
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An Australian radio station was having a word competition...

An Australian radio station was having a word competition sponsored by a dictionary company. If you called in and you had a word that wasn't in their dictionary, you'd win $1000.
Lots of people tried with obscure words, but every time it turned out that it was in that dictionary.
One day a guy calls in and says he has a word for them.
DJ: So what's the word you've got for us today?
Caller: Garn. G-A-R-N.
DJ: Ok, let me check....No, it's not in the dictionary! Can you use it in a sentence?
Caller: Garn fuck yaself!
The radio station goes off the air and gets in a lot of trouble. Their licence is suspended for two weeks and they get a big fine. Eventually they're allowed back on the air and decide it's worth doing the competition again but this time they'll try to be more careful with their callers.
Once again they get a caller who says he has a word that they won't have in their dictionary.
DJ: Ok, what's the word?
Caller: Smee. S-M-E-E.
The DJ quickly thinks about it and can't see any way it could be used as a swear word.
DJ: Ok, it's not in the dictionary, can you use it in a sentence?
Caller: Smee again. Garn fuck yaself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2c8p/an_australian_radio_station_was_having_a_word/
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My parents only had one argument in 45 years

It lasted 45 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d28ie/my_parents_only_had_one_argument_in_45_years/
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A pregnant woman calls her husband...

A 9 months pregnant woman wakes up in the middle of the night. She can't find her husband, so she calls him on the phone.
The husband picks up.
"Honey, where are you ?" asks the woman, worriedly.
Husband answers (obviously drunk) : "Heeeyyyy babe !! I'm at the cluub with some fellas ! OOOHHH my man Jim just got oursevles a 3rd bottle of vodka !"
The wife is sweating, she takes a deep breath and says "honey, I'm in pain, I think our baby is coming."
Sobering up, the husband replies "But darling, I don't think the bouncer is gonna let him in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d264m/a_pregnant_woman_calls_her_husband/
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The man who invented the remote control has sadly died.

His body was found down the back of the sofa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d241c/the_man_who_invented_the_remote_control_has_sadly/
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Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d2326/where_do_james_bond_actors_go_when_they_die/
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Big pussy

A woman walks into a bar, stands on a chair and shouts:
"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take."
A big dude gets up and takes off his size 16 work boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises.
"Is someone else in here?" he asks.
"Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says.
"Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the big guy says.
"Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1w0c/big_pussy/
%
Started dating a girl from calligraphy class.

She wasn't my type.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1u9f/started_dating_a_girl_from_calligraphy_class/
%
Why can't two women play monopoly together?

There's only one iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1s9y/why_cant_two_women_play_monopoly_together/
%
Why can programmers become good lawyers too?

Because they know how to pass arguments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1rpd/why_can_programmers_become_good_lawyers_too/
%
A clown with a briefcase walks into a bar

The barman calls security and says "sorry, no funny business"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1qu4/a_clown_with_a_briefcase_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did Columbine High School lose all their basketball games?

They lost their 2 best shooters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1pwc/why_did_columbine_high_school_lose_all_their/
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I think weekends are made in China

They don't last very long, and they take forever to arrive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1p4d/i_think_weekends_are_made_in_china/
%
What unvaccinated children and jokes about them have in common?

Both never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1mhq/what_unvaccinated_children_and_jokes_about_them/
%
Once, there were 4 sisters who were going to go in to confession.

The first sister entered, and spoke with the priest. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been 1 week since my last confession. I have seen a man's penis".
The priest stated, "You are forgiven. Dip your eyes in our bowl of holy water to cleanse them, and say 5 Hail Marys. Send in your sister when you leave".
The second sister entered, and spoke with the priest. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been 2 weeks since my last confession. I have touched a man's penis with my hands."
"The priest stated, "You are forgiven. Wash your hands in our bowl of holy water to cleanse them, and say 10 Hail Marys. Send in your sister when you leave".
The priest waited and waited, but the third sister did not enter. He left the confessional booth, and saw the fourth sister holding the third sister back.
"What on earth are you doing, my children?" The priest asked.
The fourth sister stated, "I don't care if I'm forgiven; I'm not putting my mouth in that bowl after my sister puts her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1m47/once_there_were_4_sisters_who_were_going_to_go_in/
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I'm arranging a party for men with ejaculation problems

Let me know if you can't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1l72/im_arranging_a_party_for_men_with_ejaculation/
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BBC

A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, "That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?" He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually reads "Wendy." When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nude beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with "Wy" on his penis. He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy. The black guy laughs and says, "Nah, mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1kok/bbc/
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They said I would miss my family...

I never miss at close range.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1dgo/they_said_i_would_miss_my_family/
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A man walks into a bar with a little sliver of metal on his tie...

The barman says "sorry, we don't want your tie-pin here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1cx0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_little_sliver_of/
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What is Hitler's least favourite drink?

Juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1co0/what_is_hitlers_least_favourite_drink/
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I Need A Raise

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
(Credit: The Joke Cafe)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d1c5n/i_need_a_raise/
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DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d16yz/diving_without_equipment/
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Wife: I am going out for few hours... Do you need anything ?

Husband: No, That's enough !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d11f1/wife_i_am_going_out_for_few_hours_do_you_need/
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My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d0zsu/my_girlfriend_always_gets_mad_when_i_mess_with/
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A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...

...and as you can see, they were Wright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d0x8j/a_century_ago_two_brothers_insisted_that_it_was/
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A truck driver is driving on a desert road during the night

All of a sudden, he sees a man completely dressed in white in the middle of the road.
He slams the brakes, gets out of the truck and asks the man "What the hell are you doing in the middle of the road? Are you trying to get yourself killed?".
The man dressed in white replies "Hi there. I'm the white fagot. Do you wanna go grab a drink?".
The truck driver, surprised, tells him to get out of the road, gets in the truck and drives off.
Further ahead, a man completely dressed in red is standing in the middle of the road.
The truck driver slams the brakes once again, gets out of the truck and asks the man "What the hell are you doing? Get out of the middle of the road, you idiot!"
The man dressed in red replies "Hi there, I'm the red fagot. Do you wanna go grab a bite?"
The truck driver, now beginning to find the situation really strange, tells the man to get out of the road and drives off again.
After a while, a man completely dressed in blue is standing in the middle of the road. The truck driver, already loosing his patience slams the brakes again, gets out of the truck completely pissed of and tells the man "Let me guess, you're the blue fagot. What the fuck do you want now?"
The man dressed in blue replies calmly "ID and driver's license please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d0wkg/a_truck_driver_is_driving_on_a_desert_road_during/
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A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also.
By now, everyone in the bank is very, very scared. They all looked straight down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak.
Then, one old man tentatively raised his hand and without looking up said,
"My wife got a pretty good look at ya."
Robber says, "Oh yeah? where is she?"
The old man says, "She's at home, but I can go get her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d0wek/a_hooded_robber_burst_into_a_bank_and_forced_the/
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More stupid

A parents with their child went to a naked beach. The child talked to his mother:
+ There are so many women with bigger boobs than yours here
+ Well, the bigger the boobs, the more stupid they are son! - mother replied
+ And there are many men whose D**** are bigger than dad here - The child continue to talk
+Hmm the bigger the D is, the more stupid they are son!
After wondering around, the child came back and said to his mother:
+ Hey mom, dad is talking to the most stupid woman on this beach... and the more he talks, the more stupid he becomes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d0wd1/more_stupid/
%
I think my wife died...

I mean, the sex is the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d0uxh/i_think_my_wife_died/
%
What is yellow, has one arm and can't swim?

- an excavator
Do you think that's funny?
Well, the excavator operator doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d0tvn/what_is_yellow_has_one_arm_and_cant_swim/
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pray

A guy is late for an important meeting.
But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church
every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d0scx/pray/
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The Barbie is cancelled.

In light of the recent events in Korea, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
The English are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Korea and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Fuck Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Americans...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d0sbi/the_barbie_is_cancelled/
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How do they test the "Tickle me Elmo Doll"?

Before it leaves the factory, they give it two testickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d0q2c/how_do_they_test_the_tickle_me_elmo_doll/
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So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d0nk7/so_i_just_turned_21_and_there_is_still_no_change/
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What does Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d0mvf/what_does_titanic_and_the_sixth_sense_have_in/
%
how many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d0jdi/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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What does a toilet say when it quits its job?

I'm done taking shit from you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d07tp/what_does_a_toilet_say_when_it_quits_its_job/
%
Why did 10 die?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6d02i5/why_did_10_die/
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Help Me

A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly, they don't really know how. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.
As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch"
The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."
"Sorry, Sister," he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost smashing his fingers. "Son-of- a-bitch," he yelled again.
"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."
"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
"Well," said the nun, "Say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'"
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. And again it slipped.
He started to say, "Son.." but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus, help me."
At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.
The nuns looked at the car in wonder, exclaiming in unison, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czxeu/help_me/
%
What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing, it just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czx21/what_did_the_ocean_say_to_the_beach/
%
A Chinese man and his wife stay in a hotel

A Chinese man and his wife are traveling by car from Key
West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road,
they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk
hands them a bill for 350. The Chinese man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the Chinese man, and then explains that the hotel has
an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
But we didn't use them", the Chinese man complains.
Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the
Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
But we didn't go to any of those shows," Chinese man complains again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No
matter what facility the Manager mentions, the Chinese man replies "But we didn't use it". The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Chinese man finally gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when the looks at the check. "But sir," he
says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's
right," says the Chinese man, "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the Chinese man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czx1p/a_chinese_man_and_his_wife_stay_in_a_hotel/
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What's the worst part about jerking off in the shower?

When your laptop breaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czv41/whats_the_worst_part_about_jerking_off_in_the/
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What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?

Chicken Cesar Salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czuyo/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_looking_at_a_lettuce/
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I ate three cans of alphabet soup for dinner...

I had a really good vowel movement the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czsqd/i_ate_three_cans_of_alphabet_soup_for_dinner/
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Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

EVERYWHERE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czrgr/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_when_they_die/
%
There was a mexican and a black person in a car. Who is driving?

A cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czr15/there_was_a_mexican_and_a_black_person_in_a_car/
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You know the signs that say "End road work"?

Have you ever seen the protestors​ that put them up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czo3g/you_know_the_signs_that_say_end_road_work/
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What do you call a group of crows who see food?

A tempted murder.
I'll see myself out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czn8l/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_crows_who_see_food/
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I know a really funny HIPAA joke...

but I can't tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czn0i/i_know_a_really_funny_hipaa_joke/
%
Did you know Chinese-Americans never get homesick!?

Because for them, everything here is homemade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czmwr/did_you_know_chineseamericans_never_get_homesick/
%
I like my beers the way I like my men

14 at a time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czgrt/i_like_my_beers_the_way_i_like_my_men/
%
I passed my physical exam!

But I only got a C in Hepatitis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czfw3/i_passed_my_physical_exam/
%
Yea i may be white but at least I can say..

Hey dad!
&
Thanks for the warning officer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czf4l/yea_i_may_be_white_but_at_least_i_can_say/
%
The other day, Iron Man broke his leg in his unbreakable armour.

So much ironknee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czexr/the_other_day_iron_man_broke_his_leg_in_his/
%
I went to the doctor to get a physical...

I go to get a physical. Doctor tells me he needs a stool, urine and semen sample. I tell him, "Doctor, I'm in a rush, can I just leave my underwear instead? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czdzi/i_went_to_the_doctor_to_get_a_physical/
%
Your mother is so ugly

your father takes her with him to work so he wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czd88/your_mother_is_so_ugly/
%
A deaf-mute man came on a Talent show.

And what is your talent?
- I can speak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czbiz/a_deafmute_man_came_on_a_talent_show/
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What did the sign say at the nude beach during off season?

Sorry, were clothed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czars/what_did_the_sign_say_at_the_nude_beach_during/
%
The USA's political system

You already read the joke. Go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6czacg/the_usas_political_system/
%
How does a robot avoid getting caught for public masturbation?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cza3r/how_does_a_robot_avoid_getting_caught_for_public/
%
How is a walrus like Tupperware?

They're both looking for a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cz6zw/how_is_a_walrus_like_tupperware/
%
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring

The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cz5rw/yesterday_i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food/
%
How do you know the US isn't going to attack North Korea?

They didn't arm them first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cz5aq/how_do_you_know_the_us_isnt_going_to_attack_north/
%
I have a bunch of jokes about unemployed people.

But none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cz4vz/i_have_a_bunch_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
Knock, knock...

Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cz4aa/knock_knock/
%
Ever since these new chipped debit cards came out.

I've never had so many women say "ok now put it in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cz3z1/ever_since_these_new_chipped_debit_cards_came_out/
%
Blonde - Earthworm

Q: How does a blonde kill an earthworm?
A: She buries it alive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cz2w2/blonde_earthworm/
%
An American an Russian were arguing about whose country is the best...

The American said, "Look, in America I can walk into the Oval Office, I can pound the President's desk and say Mr President, I don't like the way you're running our country."
The Russian said, "I can do that."
The American asked, "You can?"
The Russian replied, "Yes, in my country I can go to the Kremlin, to President Putin's office, pound his desk and say Mr. President, I don't like the way President Trump is running his country."
Joke by: Anonymous Source (Definitely not Comey)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cz1ge/an_american_an_russian_were_arguing_about_whose/
%
My snake likes what he likes...

A man and his snake walk into a restaurant.
The man seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Shortly later, Becky the waitress comes to take his order and the man declares, “I want 22 hamburgers- two for me and 20 for my pet snake here.”
Becky the basic white, skinny, flat assed waitress leaves with a concerned look on her pale sunken face, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man’s plate there are two hamburgers, and on the plate in front of the snake are 2O beef patties plain, by themselves. The snake turns its head away in complete disgust.
The man fumes, “No! He wants real hamburgers too, in buns, like mine. In buns!”
Becky the waitress starts to explain, “But sir, our restaurant is low on buns right now, and… do snakes even eat bread…?”
Becky the waitress goes on and on about what an awkward request and situation this is until the man cuts her off, saying, “Listen Becky, My Anaconda Don’t Want None Unless You Got Buns, Hun!”
Edit... added Becky as the waitresses name at the advisement of u/beastskitta , my one and only comment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cz15u/my_snake_likes_what_he_likes/
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Did you know that Alabama has the highest average GPA in the USA?

It's got 4 A's and a B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cz13b/did_you_know_that_alabama_has_the_highest_average/
%
I stayed up all night wondering what happened to the sun

Then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cz0nd/i_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_what_happened_to/
%
Do not buy Velcro from anyone.

It's a rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cywvx/do_not_buy_velcro_from_anyone/
%
Rich Husband, Poor Husband

A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man
asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A
pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cywfr/rich_husband_poor_husband/
%
Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor
touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cyvnq/mormon_and_an_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
%
Reason

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day
he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After
eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man
was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow,
he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew,
smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of
no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution,
he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to
eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cyv22/reason/
%
TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cyu9p/til_unvaccinated_children_are_less_likely_to_be/
%
If you're Russian when you go into the bathroom and you're Finnish when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cyt8r/if_youre_russian_when_you_go_into_the_bathroom/
%
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cyqng/a_programmer_puts_two_glasses_on_his_bedside/
%
Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cyq91/joe_and_john_were_identical_twins/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. She just stands there and holds the bulb while waiting for the world to rotate around her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cynku/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Liar Cop

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cynis/liar_cop/
%
A Chinese guy buys a well from a Jewish guy

The next day the Chinese walks up to the well; when the Jew runs up to him and shouts, "STOP! I sold you the well; not the water!"
The Chinese guy smirks and says "That's exactly why I'm here. How could you store your water in my well and not pay rent?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cye8k/a_chinese_guy_buys_a_well_from_a_jewish_guy/
%
My Grandpa said, " Your generation relies too much on technology. I'm doing you a favor" as he tossed my phone into the toilet.

I laughed, and replied "No Grandpa, but yours does," as I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cybx1/my_grandpa_said_your_generation_relies_too_much/
%
What did the fish say when he hit a wall?

Dam..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cy67q/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_hit_a_wall/
%
How would you know if someone uses Linux-GNU?

Don't worry, they will tell you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cy5nd/how_would_you_know_if_someone_uses_linuxgnu/
%
If you are sitting there thinking that not a single person cares if you're alive

try missing a couple payments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cy5gk/if_you_are_sitting_there_thinking_that_not_a/
%
How much does a doctor charge to do circumcisions?

He doesn't charge anything but he gets to keep the tips!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cy3v5/how_much_does_a_doctor_charge_to_do_circumcisions/
%
How do you catch a unique Tiger?

Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cy01m/how_do_you_catch_a_unique_tiger/
%
What do you call a midget with nunchucks?

Midget spinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cxxw5/what_do_you_call_a_midget_with_nunchucks/
%
Nsfw A boy was in the car with his mom

Suddenly a dildo slams the windshield startling them.
- WHAT WAS THAT MOM?? The boy screams.
- Ehrm, it was just a fly honey, The mother explained nervously.
- WOAH, DID YOU SEE THE DICK ON THAT THING??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cxw8m/nsfw_a_boy_was_in_the_car_with_his_mom/
%
Final Destination

What do you call an open-casket viewing at an atheist's funeral?
All dressed up and nowhere to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cxvt5/final_destination/
%
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear, the other is a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cxrf7/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
%
Your eyes hun

Guy: What part of a girl's body do you look at first?
Boy: The eyes of course!
Guy: *snickering* Really? Why?
Boy: I look at the eyes to see where they're looking at, then I look at their tits.
Guy: ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cxl82/your_eyes_hun/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are taking a walk in the garden nearby after a case.

Watson suddenly turns towards Holmes and says, "You must stop making fun of me now, Holmes. I'm not that dumb now. That was long ago."
Sherlock Holmes looks at Watson a bit mockingly and says, "OK, then. Show me what you can deduce from the objects you see around us."
"Sure.", says Watson. "Here's a tennis ball I just found here. Let me deduce the daylights out of it!"
"This tennis ball is harder than ordinary tennis balls. That tells us that the owner is a strong man who hits the ball hard."
This tennis ball has a brown weight attached on one side. That tells me that the owner is an advanced tennis player who loves to play tennis with a twist."
The green colour of this tennis ball matches the colour of the grass at Wimbledon. This tells us that the owner might be a world class tennis player."
"What do you think Holmes?" asks Watson with a smirk.
Sherlock Holmes yawns and says, "You've been excellent this time, Watson. Now come on give me that guava because I'm hungry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cxhjs/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_are_taking_a_walk_in/
%
TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world.

While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cxh9f/til_france_got_a_different_version_of_the_force/
%
What do you say to a sex patient that likes to have sex with ordinary objects?

Go fuck your shelf.
I thought this up, sorry of its a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cxeu9/what_do_you_say_to_a_sex_patient_that_likes_to/
%
My girlfriend told me she had no gag reflex

So I broke up with her, it's a shame to see a talent like that go to waste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cxcyz/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_had_no_gag_reflex/
%
A blowjob can make somebody's whole day

But anal will make their hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cxb4y/a_blowjob_can_make_somebodys_whole_day/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cxaz4/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Answer: The Rooster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cx6yg/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
A man was walking down the road, and saw a sign in front of a pub

The sign had said in large red letters 5,000 DOLLAR REWARD! Curious, the man walked inside to see what it was all about.
"Who's in charge around here!" The man yelled.
"Please sir, it's my horse, come on around back. He's been so depressed, won't even bother to stand up." Said the bar owner.
"Well what can I do?" Asked the man.
"I've been offering a reward to anyone who can cheer him up, make him act normal again!"
The man walks up to the horse, puts his hand on the horses head, and kisses the horses ear while saying something.
The horse starts laughing hysterically galloping up and down, kicking it's back legs.
"What?! How did you do that?" Yelled the bartender.
"I believe you owe me a reward sir."
As a man of his word, the bartender pays up. 5,000 dollars in cash.
Two weeks later, the bartender is out on his property, boarding up the pub.
"This place is closed!?" Shouted a voice from across the road.
The bartender turns, and it's the man. The man who cured his horse.
"YOU!!! YOURE THE REASON WHY IVE GONE OUT OF BUSINESS. My horse! He won't stop laughing! I've paid countless amounts of people to try and make him stop. It's absurd! What did you possibly say!" Asked the bartender.
The man walked across the street, "let me back in, I'll take care of it."
He makes his way into the bar and up to the horse, and drops his pants. The horse immediately stopped laughing.
"WHAT IN GODS NAME ARE YOU DOING" screamed the bartender.
"You see, I made him laugh by telling him my dick was bigger than his. But I knew he wouldn't think it was funny anymore once I show him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cx5e9/a_man_was_walking_down_the_road_and_saw_a_sign_in/
%
Twelve monks were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity. The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cx28g/twelve_monks_were_about_to_be_ordained/
%
Math Puns

The first sine of madness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cwzlx/math_puns/
%
Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cwx7h/why_would_the_military_use_acid/
%
Blow Hard

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cww8n/blow_hard/
%
Donald Trump's Thesaurus is so bad...

it's also bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cww3u/donald_trumps_thesaurus_is_so_bad/
%
A man goes to the store.

He came to buy a pack of dog food. "What will you buy?" asked the cashier. "I wish to buy dog food" said the man. "We only sell to people with proof" said the cashier. So next day the man came back, this time with a plastic bag. It had dog hair in it, so he got the food.
A few weeks later, the man came back, this time to buy cat food. "I'm sorry" said the cashier, "but we only sell to people with proof". So the man brought a plastic bag with cat hair in it, and got the cat food.
Once again, a few weeks later, the man came to the store. This time he already had a bag with him. The cashier reached down to the bag and then quickly pulled his hand out. "Eww! What the hell is this?!" "It's my shit" the man responded. "I'd like to buy toilet paper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cwtlv/a_man_goes_to_the_store/
%
'I like to play chess with old men in the park....

... although it's hard to find 32 of them.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cwrlv/i_like_to_play_chess_with_old_men_in_the_park/
%
One-armed butlers .....

... they can take it but they can’t dish it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cwny8/onearmed_butlers/
%
A blind man walks into a bar.

And a table and a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cwkrd/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What does a Buddhist from the hood say after his friends ask him to leave?

Namaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cwjoh/what_does_a_buddhist_from_the_hood_say_after_his/
%
I have a bumper sticker saying

Honk if you think I'm sexy
-
Some days I just stand at a green light till I’m feeling good about myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cwj4l/i_have_a_bumper_sticker_saying/
%
Why don't relationships for tennis players ever work out?

Because love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cwigs/why_dont_relationships_for_tennis_players_ever/
%
My Arabic sex doll

blows itself up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cwfmt/my_arabic_sex_doll/
%
Jokes about poop are not my favorite

But they're a solid number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cwfek/jokes_about_poop_are_not_my_favorite/
%
Why do chemists love nitrates so much?

Because they're cheaper than day rates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cwd0n/why_do_chemists_love_nitrates_so_much/
%
Wood eye. (NSFW) (Long)

There's a boy in high school, who was born without an eye so has a wood eye as a filler. He always gets made fun of at school for it in every class he has. When he gets home one day he mentions to his father that prom is that weekend and that he has no one to go with because no one likes him.
His dad proceeds to say "No, you are going! I will come with you and help you find a lady to dance with." The boy agrees and they go off to buy his prom attire.
The weekend rolls around and here the boy is at prom, with his dad. They look around all over and can't find a single girl without a date. The boy gets discouraged and asks his dad to go home, but his dad spots a girl out of the corner of his eye last second.
"No no! There's one right over there, can you see her"
The boy looks at the girl, who also was born with a weird facial abnormality. This being her lips were turned vertically and almost looked like a vagina. He sees no problem with this, but is still scared she will make fun of him.
"Are you sure dad? I'm really nervous that she won't like me"
"No son, it will be fine I promise! Now go, get her to dance!"
The boy walks over to the girl and asks,
"Excuse me miss, would you like to dance?"
"Would I?!?!?"
"Shut up, Cunt face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cw82r/wood_eye_nsfw_long/
%
I got diagnosed with kleptomania.

My therapist reccomends I take something for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cw1xn/i_got_diagnosed_with_kleptomania/
%
Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Linux servers, mostly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cvutr/daddy_what_are_clouds_made_of/
%
Toy Story 4 Will Be About Sids Moms Toys

Giving a whole new meaning to Buzz and Woody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cvudf/toy_story_4_will_be_about_sids_moms_toys/
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I bought a penis enlarger online last week

You can imagine my surprise when I opened up the package and found a magnifying glass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cvubh/i_bought_a_penis_enlarger_online_last_week/
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Why do 19th century western women insist on staying in the kitchen?

It's easier to control the arsenic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cvtqr/why_do_19th_century_western_women_insist_on/
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A young Private

A new Private arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told by the Armory Sergeant that resources are stretched thin and they have no rifles to give him, but they still expect him to go on patrol. He asks the Sergeant what he should do if he has to fight? The Sergeant hands him a broom and tells him if he sees any Germans to point the broom handle at them and shout "BANGITY BANG! BANG! BANG!" and it will kill them. The recruit thinks this is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard but he has no choice so he agrees and proceeds to tell the sergeant that he also needs a bayonet, the sergeant looks at him and says. Son, if you come across any Germans and they get to close, just yell "STABBITY STAB! STAB! STAB!" and they will fall down dead. The young Private thinks in disbelief, "my god they're going to send me out without any weapons!" but he takes his kit and reports to his unit.
One day a few weeks later our private finds himself separated from his patrol, hes lost but he thinks his patrol is just through a hedge row. He crosses the road and climbs through the hedge, trusty broomstick at his side. and on the other side is an entire German SS division! Our private freezes, shoulders his broom and thinks "If I am going to die, at least I'll die acting bravely."
Our private starts screaming "BANGITY BANG! BANG! BANG!" "BANGITY BANG! BANG! BANG!" "BANGITY BANG! BANG! BANG!". The Germans start falling over, and more are running at him! "BANGITY BANG! BANG! BANG!" "BANGITY BANG! BANG! BANG!" "BANGITY BANG! BANG! BANG!" They're getting close! "STABBITY STAB! STAB! STAB!" "STABBITY STAB! STAB! STAB!" "STABBITY STAB! STAB! STAB!" The bodies pile around our hero Private, "BANGITY BANG! BANG! BANG!" "STABBITY STAB! STAB! STAB!"
Suddenly there is only a single German soldier Marching steadily across the field, Yelling the most ferocious war cry ever heard! our private lifts his rifle once again "BANGITY BANG! BANG! BANG!" "BANGITY BANG! BANG! BANG!" the German keeps marching. "BANGITY BANG! BANG! BANG!" "BANGITY BANG! BANG! BANG!" He's getting closer, still screaming like a maniac "STABBITY STAB! STAB! STAB!""STABBITY STAB! STAB! STAB!" the German soldier keeps marching steadily, right up to our Private, he marches right over him and stomps him into a disfigured muddy bloody mess on the ground, all while screaming "TANKITY TANK! TANK! TANK!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cvten/a_young_private/
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Seven construction men are all workings​ at the roadside...

That's the joke...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cvq1r/seven_construction_men_are_all_workings_at_the/
%
I think everyone has a superiority complex

except for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cvn53/i_think_everyone_has_a_superiority_complex/
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Why can't you send files in an email to a Jedi?

Attachments are forbidden!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cvmlb/why_cant_you_send_files_in_an_email_to_a_jedi/
%
A wife said, "Do you see that drunk guy?". The husbands said, "Yes. Who is he?". The wife said, "He proposed to me 10 years ago and I rejected him." The husband said...

"Oh my God! He's still celebrating."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cvlo6/a_wife_said_do_you_see_that_drunk_guy_the/
%
A little boy's friend tells him:

"If you say to adults 'I know about it all', they'll give you anything."
So of course he goes home and says to his dad: "I know about it all". The dad hands him 100 bucks and tells him "but don't tell mommy".
The kid, stoked, goes to his mom and says: "I know about it all". The mom hands him 200 bucks and says "Please don't tell daddy".
Then the bell rings, and the kid opens the door to find the mailman outside. The kid tells him "I know about it all".
The mailman happily drops the package he's holding and yells "Well say hello to daddy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cvlii/a_little_boys_friend_tells_him/
%
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,

"You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What happened to 'beautiful'? His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cvfah/a_man_was_just_waking_up_from_anesthesia_after/
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Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cvbem/sir_roger_moore_prominent_james_bond_actor_has/
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A hooker is hired by a midget

But he has no money so he says to her "if I can give you the best orgasm of your life, will you give me a root free of charge?"
The hooker thinks for a moment and assumes that a midget of such small size surely couldn't give her an orgasm, so she agrees.
She lays down on the bed and the midget goes to work. Within minutes the hooker is crying in ecstasy, "OMFG you are amazing!"
The midget, surprised says, "really? They don't usually say that until I get the second leg in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cvb6a/a_hooker_is_hired_by_a_midget/
%
Why was the jeweler's son sexually molested?

He went to Jared's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cv8oa/why_was_the_jewelers_son_sexually_molested/
%
What do you call a promiscuous Native American?

Nava-ho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cv6f3/what_do_you_call_a_promiscuous_native_american/
%
I left my job. I couldn't work for my boss anymore after what he said to me.

He said "You're fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cv446/i_left_my_job_i_couldnt_work_for_my_boss_anymore/
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I was amazed

As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cv41p/i_was_amazed/
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A Scotsman goes to London

One day, a Scotsman traveled to the big city. He was impressed by all of the shops, tall buildings, and the bustle of city life. At one point, he came upon a storefront with a sign that read:
-Shirts: £3
-Trousers: £5
-Suit Coats: £10
"O'ch, that's a screaming good deal!" the Scotsman said to himself. "I bet that if I bought a heap of these and took em back home, I'd make me a fortune."
The Scotsman figures that the shopkeeper won't serve him if he knows that he's Scottish, so the Scotsman walks in and asks, in his finest English accent "Good sir, I should like to purchase 500 shirts, 300 pair of trousers, and 150 suit coats, please."
The shopkeeper looks at him and says "You're Scottish, aren't you?"
The Scotsman is flabbergasted and asks "What? How did ye ken I was from Scotland?"
The shopkeeper responds "Well, for one thing, we're a dry cleaning service, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cv3lo/a_scotsman_goes_to_london/
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Your hairline is so far back

That even Rosa Parks sat in front of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cv05c/your_hairline_is_so_far_back/
%
A wife promised her husband she'd be home by midnight when she went out drinking with her friends...

"I'll be home by midnight, I promise."  She said.
The hours passed as the margaritas went down way too easily.  Around 3 a.m. and a bit loaded, she headed home.  Just as she walked into the door the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and 'cuckooed' 3 times.  Quickly realizing that her husband might wake up, the wife cuckooed another 9 times.
She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
"Even smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equals 12 cuckoos.  That's midnight!" She thought.
The next morning the husband asked his wife what time she got home last night.
"Midnight!"  She replied.  The husband didn't seem pissed in the least so she thought she'd gotten away with it.
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." She asked him why and he said, "Well, last night our clock 'cuckooed' 3 times then said, 'Oh shit', 'cuckooed' 4 times, cleared it's throat, 'cuckooed' 3 times, giggled, 'cuckooed' twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cuysl/a_wife_promised_her_husband_shed_be_home_by/
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Man's best friend

Another roughly translated joke from my native language
A man spends most of his day working, so he teaches his dog a thing or two about communication, so he could check on his wife while he was at work.
So, he sits the dog down, and teaches him, "Woof is for yes, woof woof is for no." The dog nods its head.
The next day, he calls its dog on the phone, and asks it,
"Is my wife home?"
"Woof!"
"Is she in the kitchen?"
"Woof, woof!"
"Is she in the bedroom?"
"Woof!"
"Is she alone?"
"Woof, woof!"
"What is she doing?"
"eh eh eh eh eh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cuxlb/mans_best_friend/
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I've been having a rough time lately wth my life, and my best friend suggested I try some insoluble fiber.

He said it really helped him keep his shit together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6curyv/ive_been_having_a_rough_time_lately_wth_my_life/
%
How do you make holy water?

Boil the Hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cup61/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."

I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cundd/my_wife_asked_me_shall_we_go_bowling_or_stay_cozy/
%
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cumax/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
%
Where do animals go when they lose their tails?

The retail store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6culw1/where_do_animals_go_when_they_lose_their_tails/
%
What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

An electron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cuk93/whats_the_difference_between_a_seal_and_a_sea_lion/
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C**ksucker!

I was in Scotland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers, "You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? FUCK NO!" He slams his pint on the bar loudly, and points out the other window. "Y'see that bridge out there? I built that all by myself, stone by stone with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Bridge Builder? FUCK NO!" He slams his pint again. "This very bar, I built it timber by timber with me bare hands but do they call me McGregor: The Bar Builder? FUCK NO!" He slams his pint one last time and cradles his head in his hands.
"But ya fuck one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cuj0a/cksucker/
%
I was taking my English final and they asked “Write the past tense of ‘Think'”.

I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cuhil/i_was_taking_my_english_final_and_they_asked/
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Corny joke

So a local state corn production and manufacturing company had an open house complete with free samples of their in house sweets and confectionery made from their finest corn.
The reception was fantastic and everything was going great, until one of the over zealous freeloaders (you know the kind that just tanks up on all the free food) gagged on one of the products, choked and died.
The management was mortified and afraid of the PR implications on their products, wanted the local police to quickly identify the product which caused the death so they could take the necessary actions swiftly, but the cops said they needed to wait for M.E. to arrive to do so.
Just then a bystander casually commented "I am pretty sure he died from one of the mints." The manager in charge didn't think too much of it until the M.E. arrived half an hour later and confirmed that the deceased did in fact pass away from a mint lodged in his windpipe.
Amazed, the manager turned to the bystander and asked him how he was so absolutely sure, even though no one saw what he had eaten prior to his untimely death.
The bystander smirked and simply said "Well, I frequent r/Jokes and like anyone there could tell you, the real choke is in the corn mints"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cufva/corny_joke/
%
A child asked his father, "Why do good people die young?"

His father responded, "When you are in a garden, which flower do you pick?"
The child responded, "The Ugly Ones."
The father, unprepared for that respsonse, asked, "Why?"
"Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cuezk/a_child_asked_his_father_why_do_good_people_die/
%
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes

"No hablo ingles"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cua7l/after_12_years_of_therapy_my_psychiatrist_said/
%
A scientists caught a fly to perform an experiment.

So he says to his assistant to cut off fly's wings and 2 of its legs.
The scientist says to the fly:
- Crawl. - and the fly crawls, - Ok, write it down "After removing 2 legs the fly still crawls".
And the assistant writes it down.
- Remove 2 more. - says the first. - Now, fly, crawl.
And it does.
- Write it down " After removing 4 legs, the fly still crawls." Now remove last 2 legs.
And the assistant does.
- Crawl, fly. Crawl. - said the scientist.
It doesn't move. So the scientist says:
- Ok, write this down assistant : "After removing all 6 legs - the fly lost its hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cu9ps/a_scientists_caught_a_fly_to_perform_an_experiment/
%
I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer...

But no one will do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cu8tq/ive_spent_the_past_two_years_looking_for_my/
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Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?

The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cu6tr/why_didnt_the_peasants_attend_the_egyptian_kings/
%
What do you call a gay vegan?

A fruit salad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cu4lq/what_do_you_call_a_gay_vegan/
%
A man was searching for a specific pizza

A man was searching for a specific kind of pizza. He wanted to have a pizza that was folded in half before baking.
He searched for such a pizza around the world, until finally he heard of a pizzeria that served such pizzas, the pizzeria was located near a huge radio telescope.
Due to the radio telescope being utmost sensitive to noise, cellphones couldn't be used in the area the pizzeria was located in.
The man went to the pizzeria and ate the best pizza he had ever eaten, but the pizza was standard, no folds.
It was no call zone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cu1xw/a_man_was_searching_for_a_specific_pizza/
%
Trump's in Saudi Arabia, Israel...

... and the Vatican this week, cradles of USA's 3 great religions:
Christianity, Judaism, and Oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cu1r5/trumps_in_saudi_arabia_israel/
%
Why are antijokes surprising to people?

Because they point out the obvious while the listeners are expecting a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cu1co/why_are_antijokes_surprising_to_people/
%
"It's a revolution!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

Scared the rest of the people on the Ferris wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cu0wp/its_a_revolution_i_yelled_at_the_top_of_my_lungs/
%
A priest sees God

After being initially overwhelmed, the priest tries to talk to God to finally resolve some theological and philosophical conundrums:
He asks God: Almighty, how do you experience physical space?
God strokes his beard and says: physical space means nothing to me, billions of your miles are but a hair's breadth to me.
The priest: And time?
God: Billions of your years are but a second to me.
The priest: What about money?
God smiles and says: Money means absolutely nothing to me, all the money in the word is less than a cent to me.
The Priest, gathering courage then asks God: Almighty, would you mind than, maybe, creating few millions for our impoverished parish?
Sure - says God - just a second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctz44/a_priest_sees_god/
%
What is a BDSM couple's favorite dessert?

Whipped cream pie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctyx9/what_is_a_bdsm_couples_favorite_dessert/
%
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for one night.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctxip/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_one_night/
%
Learning English

So a man and his wife decided to speak in English at home to improve their language skills.
Her: Hunney, I'm going to rest a little bit.
Him: Sure hunney, rest in peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctx0u/learning_english/
%
I hate Russian nesting dolls

They're so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctvnf/i_hate_russian_nesting_dolls/
%
Doctor: "I have really bad news. You have cancer and Alzheimer's."

Patient:"well....At least I don't have cancer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctukh/doctor_i_have_really_bad_news_you_have_cancer_and/
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What do you call a heist pulled off by an airbender?

A blow job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctujn/what_do_you_call_a_heist_pulled_off_by_an/
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A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives...

A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives. The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings (BB's) and mixes them into their food. Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing BB's. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping BB's. Again, she says that it is ok. That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says "Ma, you won't believe what happened". She says "I know, you're passing BB's". "No", he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctsy1/a_ranch_woman_takes_her_three_sons_to_the_doctor/
%
The tale of the Almost Genie

So, a friend of mine found an almost genie. Like a regular genie, but you only ALMOST get what you want. Anyways, he panics and wishes to be turned into dolphin jizz. The genie proceeds to say "your wish has approximately been granted" , and of course my friend says "uh, thank you?"
The genie replies, "you're whale cum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctsut/the_tale_of_the_almost_genie/
%
A man boards a plane and sits down...

and the flight attendant asks him "would you like some headphones?"
he responds "yes please, but how did you know my name was phones?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctsdq/a_man_boards_a_plane_and_sits_down/
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If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from?

Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctrrp/if_olive_oil_is_made_from_olives_and_coconut_oil/
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What do you call a crocodile with a map and compass ?

A navigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctq42/what_do_you_call_a_crocodile_with_a_map_and/
%
Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful"

Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful. I will prefer to get Pregnant than getting my cavity filled"
.
.
.
.
Dentist: " Make a Decision, I will adjust the chair accordingly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctpef/woman_to_dentist_its_so_painful/
%
Went to the doctors last night

I went to the doctors last night, he said to me "sir, you are going to have to stop masterbating."
I asked "why what's wrong?"
"You're upsetting the other patients!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctpca/went_to_the_doctors_last_night/
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Men's Helpline

"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctp64/mens_helpline/
%
I said to my friend, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”

He said, “Are you mad at her?”
I said, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctowv/i_said_to_my_friend_my_girlfriend_keeps_asking_me/
%
Today morning, I spilled tea on my shirt

It became a T-shirt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctoex/today_morning_i_spilled_tea_on_my_shirt/
%
What do you call a smoking alkane?

High Octane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctljz/what_do_you_call_a_smoking_alkane/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A ripoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctlb5/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
There is something that I am not supposed to do near a hot stove

but I just can't put my finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctkt6/there_is_something_that_i_am_not_supposed_to_do/
%
The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just

a whim away
a whim away
a whim away
a whim away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctdbh/the_urge_to_sing_the_lion_sleeps_tonight_is_just/
%
Jesus and the 12 apostles walk into a restaurant

and Jesus says to the waiter:
-- Table for 26 please.
-- But there's only 13 of you?
-- Yeah, but we wanna sit all on one side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctbg3/jesus_and_the_12_apostles_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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Missionary

I heard this joke in my native language, so I hope it makes sense in English.
There's this married couple, and the wife is tired of having sex only in the missionary style, so she tells her husband, "Go hang out with your friends, talk to them, listen to their ideas about different sex styles, and then come home to me."
The husband goes in the neighbourhood, talks to his buddies, gets enlightened, and comes home all hyped up. "Woman! Woman! Come here, I learned a different style today, so let's try it!"
The wife is really happy that her husband learned it so fast, so they proceed to the bedroom and have sex. "But, this was missionary..", says the wife. "No, no", replies the husband, "this is carpenter style, didn't you see the pencil behind my ear?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctber/missionary/
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The Mother/Daughter dream threesome

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double..?
'What's that..?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - really excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'My Lucky Night',.
So I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake"..?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ctb7o/the_motherdaughter_dream_threesome/
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What do you have to do if you need to go somewhere fast?

Express yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ct79p/what_do_you_have_to_do_if_you_need_to_go/
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A man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral

Feeling quite sad, a man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral. As he walked between the tombstones he came across an open grave. He walked right up to the edge to see that there was still a coffin inside. What an odd sight he thought to himself - suddenly he heard a thump, followed by an even louder thump. Next thing he knew the coffin was jumping up horizontally and flipped up vertically, apparently trying to get out of the grave. The coffin jumped and jumped but couldn't get out of the grave. 'Fewf', the man thought to himself, the grave stopped the coffin. But just a moment later the coffin jumped out of the grave and started chasing the man, hopping after him *thump thump thump*. Scared shitless, the man ran between the gravestones weaving and bobbing to try and slow down the coffin. But the tombstones couldn't stop the coffin, the coffin smashed the tombstones down one after another. Finally the man reached the gate of the cemetery, picked up a rock and broke the lock connected to the chain. He closed the gate and wrapped the chain between the two gate doors, effectively locking the gate. The coffin couldn't break through the gate and the man sighed in relief, 'the gate stopped the coffin' - then suddenly the coffin smashed open the gate, continuing to give chase to the man.
He ran to his vehicle, started it and drove off in his 4-wheeler down a wet and muddy road. The coffin gave chase but got stuck in the mud, finally the mud had stopped the coffin. The man stopped to look back and confirm it was truly stuck, but then the coffin jumped from out of the mud and made it onto the grass. Thumping along after the man as he drove up to his house, the coffin seemed unstoppable. The man parked right in front of his door, and squeezed inside his home, locking every deadbolt, and pushing furniture up against the door. The coffin reached the 4-wheeler by the front door and couldn't get past it. 'Of course', the man thought to himself, 'I should have stopped the coffin with the car, there's no way it can drive'. Suddenly, the coffin broke open the vehicle's driver door and nudged the gear shifter into neutral, pushing the vehicle out of the way. Even the 4-wheeler couldn't stop the coffin.
*Thump thump thump*, the coffin moved up to the front door smashing against it, but the door wouldn't budge. The door and the furniture had finally stopped the coffin. *BANG*, the door swung open and the furniture flew out of the way. The man ran upstairs and into his room, closing the door behind him. The coffin tried to jump up the stairs, but kept slipping on the carpet. The man couldn't believe it, the carpet stopped the coffin. *Thump, thump, thump*, the coffin made it up the stairs and to the door, *Bang*, the door was easily bashed open by the coffin, it could not stop it. The hysterically frightened man ran into his bathroom and didn't even bother to shut the door, and the coffin gave chase. He grabbed shampoo and a blow dryer, and through them at the coffin but nothing stopped the coffin. He opened his medicine cabinet, grabbed some floss and a toothbrush. Trembling in fear he through both of them at the coffin but it did not stop. He reached in the medicine cabinet for one last thing to throw at the coffin, he randomly grabbed a pack of Halls cough drops and throws it at the coffin. And the coffin stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ct4re/a_man_goes_for_a_walk_in_a_cemetery_after_his/
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This tourist from Japan comes to India.

For sightseeing purposes, he got on a cab. The cab driver took him to The Taj Mahal and proudly said, "This is the Taj Mahal. It took 6000 people 6 years to be built."
The tourist, unimpressed, says "6 fucking years? We can build something like this in 6 months."
The cab driver got a bit upset at the obvious insult, but kept quiet. Next he took him to The Red Fort. He said " This is the Red Fort. It was built by the Mughals in 5 years!"
Unimpressed again, the tourist said "5 long years? We can build this easily in 3 months."
So this time the cabbie was proper angry. He took the tourist to the Qutab Minar. The tourist asked "What is this building?"
The cabbie, looking a bit concerned, goes, "I don't know. When I came here this morning it wasn't there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ct2ck/this_tourist_from_japan_comes_to_india/
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Why is it better to exercise in the morning?

You can finish the workout before your brain realizes what it's doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ct1t8/why_is_it_better_to_exercise_in_the_morning/
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Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench.

A man in a trench-coat walks in front of them, stops, and flashes them.  The first old lady immediately has a stroke.  The second old lady also has a stroke.  But the third couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ct16z/three_old_ladies_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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A good boy asked to his mummy.....

Little Charles approached his mother and asked her "Mummy, whats a girlfriend" To which his mum replied "If you're a good boy, you will get one." Charles then asked, "What if I am a bad boy?" His mum answered "You will get many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cstjw/a_good_boy_asked_to_his_mummy/
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How can you save a fish from dying?

By drowning it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cstjp/how_can_you_save_a_fish_from_dying/
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College Degree

Forget everything you've learned in college, you wont need it here.
I didn't go to college.
Oh sorry you're not qualified for the job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6csqqy/college_degree/
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Why hasn't Trump deported all the Muslims yet?

Cause he can't get them through airport security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6csqon/why_hasnt_trump_deported_all_the_muslims_yet/
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Someone called me a massagenist recently.

I was offended; rubbing backs is a woman's job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6csqk2/someone_called_me_a_massagenist_recently/
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So, A man walks into bar with a cat in a pringles tube and an emu...

The bartender asks where he got an emu.
"I was down in india, doing a bit of vacationing, when I found an oil lamp lying by the side of the road. Naturally, I rubbed it, and a genie popped out! That's how I got these here animals."
"You wished for a cat and an emu?" the bartender asked, astonished.
"Fuck No!" the man replies. " I wished for what any man would wish for; A tall bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cspue/so_a_man_walks_into_bar_with_a_cat_in_a_pringles/
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A man was found dead on his chicken farm.

I heard the police suspect fowl play.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cspes/a_man_was_found_dead_on_his_chicken_farm/
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A man walks into a library

and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6csnfd/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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Madam, your son just called me ugly!

The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6csm9o/madam_your_son_just_called_me_ugly/
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Little Mary always falls asleep in Sunday school class

During class, the teacher asks, "Who is our Father?" The little boy behind Mary sees her asleep so he pokes her with a pencil to wake her up.
Mary screamed "Lord Almighty"
The teacher says "Very good Mary, please raise your hand though"
Confused, Mary falls asleep again. Later, the teacher asks the class "Who died on the cross for us?" The boy sees her asleep and pokes her again to wake her up.
Little Mary screamed "Jesus Christ!"
Again the teacher say "Very good Mary, but please raise your hand"
So Mary falls asleep again.
Before class ends, the teacher asks one more question, "what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 27 child?
The boy pokes Mary yet again so Mary jumps up and yells "If you stick that damn thing in me one one more time I gonna break it in half"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cslwp/little_mary_always_falls_asleep_in_sunday_school/
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Why do asians have small boobs?

Because only A's are acceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6csjl5/why_do_asians_have_small_boobs/
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A guy walks in on his wife cheating on him

with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.
He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"
"I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend," says the guy.
To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"
"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."
"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.
"Bad boy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6csic3/a_guy_walks_in_on_his_wife_cheating_on_him/
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I think my brother is actually my step brother

Apparently everyone I played call of duty with fucked my mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cshc7/i_think_my_brother_is_actually_my_step_brother/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his souls to Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6csgl1/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshiper/
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I like my women like how I like my wine.

10 years old and locked in the cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6csgbw/i_like_my_women_like_how_i_like_my_wine/
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How to turn a fox into an elephant...

... You marry it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6csfk3/how_to_turn_a_fox_into_an_elephant/
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What do you call a female baker

A kneady bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cse2u/what_do_you_call_a_female_baker/
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A priest is pulled over for speeding...

Smelling  alcohol on the priest breath and noticing a wine bottle in the passenger seat of the car, the highway patrolman asks, "father, have you been drinking?"
"just water," the priest replies.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?" quipped​ the patrolman.
The priest looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "good Lord he's done it again".
Edited for u/littlekiing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6csdbe/a_priest_is_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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A Black/Jewish boy asks his dad whether he's more Black or more Jewish.

When his dad asks why, the boy answers "there's a bike for sale for $100 and I can't decide whether to haggle down to $75 or just steal it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6csccs/a_blackjewish_boy_asks_his_dad_whether_hes_more/
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I asked my mom if by any chance I was adopted

She replied: Hilarious. Why would we choose you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6csbp1/i_asked_my_mom_if_by_any_chance_i_was_adopted/
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You woman gotta' realise, making us sleep on the couch ain't that bad...

It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping. With an angry bear nearby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6csah3/you_woman_gotta_realise_making_us_sleep_on_the/
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I also walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

She said "Stop masturbating and why the hell do you have a carrot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cs8fa/i_also_walked_in_on_my_sister_last_night/
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How many software developers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I'm sorry, that appears to be a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cs7sp/how_many_software_developers_does_it_take_to/
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Flat earthers community

has members all around the globe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cs7di/flat_earthers_community/
%
Last night, I walked in on my sister masturbating furiously with a cucumber.

She screamed "You sick fuck!  Get out of here with that cucumber!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cs6bu/last_night_i_walked_in_on_my_sister_masturbating/
%
If Steve Irwin the crocodile hunter was wearing sunscreen that day he would still be alive

Sunscreen protects against harmful rays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6crwhb/if_steve_irwin_the_crocodile_hunter_was_wearing/
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What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler

Usain Bolt can finish a Race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6crsoo/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
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*Knock-Knock* "Who's there?" "Nine-Eleven,"

"Nine-Eleven who?"
"YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6crpfh/knockknock_whos_there_nineeleven/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders fruit punch

The bartender says, "Pal, If you want punch, you'll have to go stand in line."
The guys looks around, but there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6croqh/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_fruit_punch/
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Life is like toilet paper

Either you're on a roll or you're taking shit from some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6crntt/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
%
I made up a new word today.

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6crmwx/i_made_up_a_new_word_today/
%
A man goes to the doctor...

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience."
"When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have intercourse with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years, and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I’m glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6crkv7/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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What did the Buddhist say when he was reborn as a cowboy?

WHAT IN CARNATION?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6criqg/what_did_the_buddhist_say_when_he_was_reborn_as_a/
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One day a young boy asks his grandfather, "grandpa what does a vagina look like?"

"Before or after sex?" The grandfather replied.
"Um before" said the boy.
"Like a rose in an early spring morning."
"What about after sex?"
The grandfather paused for a second and thought. "Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6crhqk/one_day_a_young_boy_asks_his_grandfather_grandpa/
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My girlfriend said that I was too old-fashioned.

So I beheaded her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6crdjs/my_girlfriend_said_that_i_was_too_oldfashioned/
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What did one nut say to the other?

Imma cashew outside, how bout dat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cr50g/what_did_one_nut_say_to_the_other/
%
I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days alread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cr008/im_on_a_whiskey_diet/
%
A rookie mortician starts his first job after graduating.

The senior mortician walks him to the morgue and shows him the three bodies they'll be working on that day. All the faces are frozen into smiles and the rookie mortician is curious.
Pointing to the first body, he asks, "Why is this guy smiling?"
"Oh," the senior mortician says. "He had a heart attack in the middle of making love and died as he was orgasming."
The rookie mortician nods in understanding and points to the second body. "So why is this guy smiling?"
"He was watching the lottery numbers on the news and had a heart attack from finding out he had all the right numbers," explains the senior mortician.
Moving on, the rookie mortician points at the third body. "And why is this guy smiling?" he asks.
"He was struck by lightning," says the senior mortician.
Confused, the rookie mortician asks, "But why would that make him smile?"
"He thought someone was taking his picture."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqy3k/a_rookie_mortician_starts_his_first_job_after/
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I was playing ping pong with Jesus

Me:  Ok that's 3-2 me, and it's my serve now
Jesus: ...
Me:  Jesus give me the ball
Jesus:  The son of Man came not to be served but to serve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqxvp/i_was_playing_ping_pong_with_jesus/
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Guess how many fish I got from the market?

Tuna half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqxuz/guess_how_many_fish_i_got_from_the_market/
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How can any salad be a ceaser salad?

If you stab it enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqx6p/how_can_any_salad_be_a_ceaser_salad/
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Did you heard about the Indian chef that fell down from the stairs?

He was curryed away to the hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqw8f/did_you_heard_about_the_indian_chef_that_fell/
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What does both a cannon and canon have in common?

They can both kill ships.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqvp2/what_does_both_a_cannon_and_canon_have_in_common/
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I can see a woman sneezing on the escalator.

I think she's coming down with something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqtfj/i_can_see_a_woman_sneezing_on_the_escalator/
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You’re one in a million.

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqt5m/youre_one_in_a_million/
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I'm no longer allowed within 100 yards of any Disney Park or Chuck E. Cheese.

I didn't fuck a kid, by the way. Just a mouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqsa5/im_no_longer_allowed_within_100_yards_of_any/
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Off to Work

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqs1b/off_to_work/
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Why did the restaurant on the moon fail?

The food was decent but it had no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqpio/why_did_the_restaurant_on_the_moon_fail/
%
I asked my kids, "Why isn't an iPhone charger...?"

"...called Apple Juice?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqpde/i_asked_my_kids_why_isnt_an_iphone_charger/
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Why are there no "good girl" dog posts?

Because all female dogs are bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqn7v/why_are_there_no_good_girl_dog_posts/
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A poop in time

Patient: Doctor! You have to help me. Everyday at 8 am sharp, I poop!
Doctor: So what's the problem?
Patient: I wake up at 9!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqiuu/a_poop_in_time/
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Do you know why New Zealand has banned blind people from bungee jumping?

It kept scaring the life out of the seeing eye dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqhm0/do_you_know_why_new_zealand_has_banned_blind/
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A Roman walks into a bar,

Holds up two fingers, and says "five beers please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqh2h/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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The movie 'Up' is utter bullshit.

I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn't die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqgv5/the_movie_up_is_utter_bullshit/
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Dave has a problem.

He cannot make his wife cum. So he goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get some air-con"
"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"
"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"
"Yeah, I've got a mate Frank"
"Well, ask your mate Frank to stand over you and the missus with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Dave asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.
Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts
wafting Frank, who is now shagging Dave's wife.
Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"
Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqed6/dave_has_a_problem/
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Is there a difference between capitalism and communism?

Yes, in principle. With capitalism, man exploits man. But with communism, it is precisely the opposite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqdxf/is_there_a_difference_between_capitalism_and/
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How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqcrj/how_many_vietnam_vets_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Why does a divorce cost so much?

Because it's worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cqcjw/why_does_a_divorce_cost_so_much/
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The Platform

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, had traveled into town after several weeks in the desert with his trusty camel. The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down.
Abu Bakr was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store: WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK!
He looks at his camel and decides to give it a shot. He goes in the shop with his camel and the vendor asks him,  “What can I do for you?”
“Well, friend,” Abu replies, “I noticed your sign and I’m interested in your help. You see my camel’s been slowing down a bit and I don’t really want to trade him in for a new one.”
The vendor says, “That won’t be necessary here. We make your camels run faster. It’s guaranteed.”
“OK Let’s do it.”
The vendor motions Abu to come with him out the back door of the shop with his camel. The vendor says, “Please pull your camel over this way onto the platform.”
While Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is steadying his camel onto the platform, the vendor disappears into another door behind the shop and returns with two large bricks.
“Stand back,” he cautions Abu Bakr.
The vendor goes behind the camel with bricks in hand, and smashes the camel’s balls. The camel runs out of the alley like a bat out of hell.
“Wow!,” says Abu Bakr, “That’s the fastest I’ve seen him run in years! But how am I going to reach him now?”
The vendor says with a smile, “Please step onto the platform, sir.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cq8e3/the_platform/
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What do you say to someone who has never seen Fight Club?

Don't beat yourself up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cq7xv/what_do_you_say_to_someone_who_has_never_seen/
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What do you call a disease that uses /s?

SARS-casm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cq6kk/what_do_you_call_a_disease_that_uses_s/
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King Arthur pulled the sword from the stone.

King Arthritis on the other hand...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cq537/king_arthur_pulled_the_sword_from_the_stone/
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The Golden Toilet

Dugly goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn’t remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.
He walks into downtown and goes into one bar and asked the bartender, “Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?” “A golden toilet? I don’t think so,” the bartender said, giving him a strange look.
The man walked into another bar,”Excuse me, you don’t happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?” said Dugly.
“A golden toilet, huh? Don’t be ridiculous.”
This continues all day until finally Dugly walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender: “Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet.” The bartender smiles, turns around and yells, “Hey Bob, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cq3k6/the_golden_toilet/
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I've got a prosthetic leg.

I just hope it's previous owner got home okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cq3gy/ive_got_a_prosthetic_leg/
%
Why don't Italians like Jehova's Witnesses?

They don't like ANY witnesses! Bada-Bing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cq32g/why_dont_italians_like_jehovas_witnesses/
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Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cq13t/paddy_died_in_a_fire_and_was_burnt_pretty_badly/
%
Coin flipping contests are rigged!

Just a heads up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cq0ia/coin_flipping_contests_are_rigged/
%
What do you call a bunch of squids?

A squad...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cq0fn/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_squids/
%
Man: Hey Bolt! Get in the car, I'll drop you home!

Usain Bolt: Sorry dude, I'm in a hurry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpz6x/man_hey_bolt_get_in_the_car_ill_drop_you_home/
%
What do you call a pile of kittens?

A Meow-ntain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpz54/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_kittens/
%
In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpy9w/in_my_hometown_a_barber_got_arrested_for_selling/
%
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpy6z/a_woman_wants_to_find_a_husband_so_she_puts_out/
%
Did you hear about the first time BDSM offender?

He got off with a slap on the wrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpv8v/did_you_hear_about_the_first_time_bdsm_offender/
%
A 54-year-old man feels guilty about cheating on his wife so he leaves her a note, "I've been sleeping with a girl 1/3 my age."

The woman finds his note and leaves him one of her own:
"I know you've been sleeping with an 18-year-old, but so have I. Since you like math so much, 18 goes into 54 a lot more than 54 goes into 18."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpspp/a_54yearold_man_feels_guilty_about_cheating_on/
%
I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

I shouted, "Fuck, seriously?! I was going to eat that later,  but now it will just taste like carrots!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cps4r/i_walked_in_on_my_sister_last_night_masturbating/
%
So I accidentally got a tupac album

but it's no biggie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpp9g/so_i_accidentally_got_a_tupac_album/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpnpw/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
%
Han Solo : Yoda, are you sure we're going in the right direction?

Yoda : Off course we are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpn0c/han_solo_yoda_are_you_sure_were_going_in_the/
%
I just won a humourless competition.

No joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpmmv/i_just_won_a_humourless_competition/
%
A boy walks in on his dad

putting on a condom in the bathroom.
The boy says "Dad, what are you doing?"
The dad says "uhh... I'm trying to catch a mouse."
The boy says "What are you gonna do when you catch it? Fuck it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpmda/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_dad/
%
The other day a man in the pub started throwing cheddar at me

I told him 'that's not very mature'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpjpp/the_other_day_a_man_in_the_pub_started_throwing/
%
I'd share a cheesy joke but...

I'm laughtose intolerant :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpg66/id_share_a_cheesy_joke_but/
%
I just saw some girl sit down on various fruits

Fucking bananas, if you ask me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpfkn/i_just_saw_some_girl_sit_down_on_various_fruits/
%
I almost bought a pen because it wrote underwater, but the biggest selling point for me was...

It wrote thousands of other words!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpdom/i_almost_bought_a_pen_because_it_wrote_underwater/
%
I went to get a job at a blacksmith, and they asked me if I've ever shoed a horse.

*"No, but I have told a donkey to fuck off."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpcvp/i_went_to_get_a_job_at_a_blacksmith_and_they/
%
This morning I caught my wife on a porn site

I'll have to ask her about it when she gets home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpc97/this_morning_i_caught_my_wife_on_a_porn_site/
%
"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "The interrupting doctor." "The interrupting doctor wh-"

You've got cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpc3w/knock_knock_whos_there_the_interrupting_doctor/
%
How much sperm does a gay guy have?

A butt-load.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpc31/how_much_sperm_does_a_gay_guy_have/
%
Two wind turbines are talking to each other...

One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?"
The other turbine replies, "Well...I'm a big metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpb84/two_wind_turbines_are_talking_to_each_other/
%
A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their girlfriends

. "What are you getting your girlfriend?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Marcedes." "Why both?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Marcedes when she returns the ring." And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your girlfriend?" And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cpaw2/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_are_both_buying/
%
What do you call a number that won't keep still?

A roamin' numeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cp8wf/what_do_you_call_a_number_that_wont_keep_still/
%
Asked my girlfriend for 68 last night.

She said: 68? What's that?
I said: That's where you blow me and I owe you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cp82b/asked_my_girlfriend_for_68_last_night/
%
I'm a social vegan

I avoid meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cp820/im_a_social_vegan/
%
My nursing home golf team won again...

We had the least amount of strokes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cp56n/my_nursing_home_golf_team_won_again/
%
Why don't snails use the internet?

Salt is bad for their health.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cp4o9/why_dont_snails_use_the_internet/
%
I'm going to write a book about adhesives.

It's going to be a griping tale about bonding, attachments, and a few sticky situations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cp3yq/im_going_to_write_a_book_about_adhesives/
%
I bought some shoes off a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cp3pn/i_bought_some_shoes_off_a_drug_dealer/
%
The owner of my favorite restaurant was arrested for beastiality..

That explains why jerk chicken and pulled pork were the only two menu items.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cp008/the_owner_of_my_favorite_restaurant_was_arrested/
%
Ask a white man what 2+2 equals, he answers "4". Ask a black man what 2+2 equals, he answers:

"4" you racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6coz9o/ask_a_white_man_what_22_equals_he_answers_4_ask_a/
%
A German, an American and a Macedonian are on a plane...

A German, an American and a Macedonian are on a plane and all of a sudden, Satan comes and starts sawing a wing off.
Without a doubt, the three men start panicking.
Then, the American pulls out his suitcase, opens it and says "Dear Satan, I offer you $500,000 to stop sawing the wing!"
"Nah, too cheap.", responds Satan.
The German opens his suitcase and says "Nein, don't do it! I offer you my BMW and a million dollars!"
"A tempting offer, I must admit, however it is not enough!", responds Satan.
Then, the Macedonian walks up to the window and says "Satan, I would like you to saw the wing off for my whole yearly wage!"
"Are you a fool! I won't work for free!", he yells as he stops sawing the wing off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6coye5/a_german_an_american_and_a_macedonian_are_on_a/
%
Procedural programming is like school in the summer.

It has no classes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6coxni/procedural_programming_is_like_school_in_the/
%
After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd as they do on TV.

Evidently, that's unacceptable in bowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6coise/after_winning_the_game_i_threw_the_ball_into_the/
%
What's the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles, there's a mile between the two s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6coi68/whats_the_longest_word_in_the_dictionary/
%
What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cofp9/what_makes_hitler_better_than_jesus/
%
A pastor decides to blow off his Sunday service and go golfing.

"See that?" St Peter says to God, pointing down at the errant preacher teeing up at the first hole.
"Yup" says God, "I'll fix him, the little truant!"
WIth that, God waves his arm, and the vicar tees off.
The ball hits a tree, flies straight up in the air, where it's caught by a seagull, which flies a few hundred yards with it before dropping it onto the #1 green, about a yard from the hole. At this point a large toad emerges from the hole, dances a passable impression of Michael Flatley's Riverdance finale (for a toad), then grabs the ball and disappears back down the hole.
St Peter: " I thought you were going to punish him?"
God: " I just did, who's ever going to believe him?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6coeow/a_pastor_decides_to_blow_off_his_sunday_service/
%
What do the NBA and a box of crayons have in common?

The whites are useless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6coeoi/what_do_the_nba_and_a_box_of_crayons_have_in/
%
So if normal sized people come out of the closet when they're gay,

Do midgets come out of the cabinet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cob71/so_if_normal_sized_people_come_out_of_the_closet/
%
There's nothing wrong with being a self-made man...

Unless you have a time machine and an Oedipus complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6coasz/theres_nothing_wrong_with_being_a_selfmade_man/
%
If your girlfriend's dad ever angrily asks "where do you get off"

"In your daughter" is the wrong answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6co8ly/if_your_girlfriends_dad_ever_angrily_asks_where/
%
Never Argue With A Woman Who Reads

An elderly married couple is traveling by car from California to New York for a National Book Conference. After Spending almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to pull over and rent a room. They didn't want to waste much time, so they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
Four hours later when they went down to check out, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00
The old man is shocked and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. The clerk just rolls his eyes and tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. The old man is furious and demands to speak to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him politely, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for them to use.
"But we didn't use them!" the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have." explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could have also gone to one of the many shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here." the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows!" the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager stands his ground firmly, and eventually the husband gives up and agrees to pay. His checkbook is in the car, so he asked his wife to write the check. The Manager watches quietly as she digs through her giant purse, taking her time pulling out books and cosmetics and piling them on the counter. At last she pulls her checkbook from the never ending bag, writes out a check and hands it to the Manager.
The Manager gasps when he looks at the check! "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00!"
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me." she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6co4tk/never_argue_with_a_woman_who_reads/
%
How can you tell if your farmer is a certified gangster?

His cornrows are always straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6co4od/how_can_you_tell_if_your_farmer_is_a_certified/
%
A woman calls the reception of Mount Sinai Hospital ....

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"
The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6co3tq/a_woman_calls_the_reception_of_mount_sinai/
%
Bob Ross wasn't a planned pregnancy

He was a happy little accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6co38k/bob_ross_wasnt_a_planned_pregnancy/
%
A girl asks a boy..........

A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6co2fd/a_girl_asks_a_boy/
%
Why do Jews watch porn movies backwards?

They like the part where the hooker gives the money back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cnzlh/why_do_jews_watch_porn_movies_backwards/
%
I've been working on my uncle's farm during my school vacation time.

So we've been working on the field when he looks up in the air and tells me to get his gumboots cause it would start raining soon. So i went into the house and saw the two daughters sitting at the table. I told them that her dad asked me to fuck them really hard. They replied that her dad would never have said that. I replied that i can ask him again if they wouldn't believe me.
So i opened the window and shouted: HEY FARMER! BOTH OF THEM?
OF COURSE BOTH OF THEM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cnxr2/ive_been_working_on_my_uncles_farm_during_my/
%
The one about the Pakistani Mental Health Hotline

*Hotline*: Pakistani Mental Health Hotline, how can I help you?
*Caller*: My life sucks, I see no way out.
*Hotline*: Do not worry, we are here to help you.
*Caller*: I'm feeling suicidal. What should I do?
*Hotline*: How close are you to India?
*Caller*: Don't know exactly, maybe 400km.
*Hotline*: So can you drive a truck?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cnwgj/the_one_about_the_pakistani_mental_health_hotline/
%
Idiot and Chicken

An idiot decided to start a chicken
farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he
returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the
first
lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for
another
hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I
think I know
where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am
planting them too
deep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cnvs0/idiot_and_chicken/
%
Pulled over by the Five-O

A cop pulled me over the other day. Apparently I was speeding. He said: "Papers."
I said: "Scissors, I win!" and drove away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cnqv6/pulled_over_by_the_fiveo/
%
There were three guys on a plane. One bit into an apple, thought it was too...

There were three guys on a plane. One bit into an apple, thought it was too sweet. He threw it out the window. The second guy bit into a lemon, thought it was too sour, threw it out the window. The third guy bit into a grenade, thought it was too crunchy and threw it out the window.
When the plane landed, they got off and saw a lil girl crying. they ask, "lil girl, why are u crying?" She says, " An apple fell out of the sky and hit my cow on the head and now he's dead." Then the men see a lil boy crying. The men ask, "lil boy, why are u crying?" The lil boy says," A lemon fell out of the sky and hit my dog on the head and now she's dead" The men keep walking until they find a blond woman laughing histarically. They ask," woman, why are u laughing so histarically?" She says,"I just farted and that building blew up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cnoag/there_were_three_guys_on_a_plane_one_bit_into_an/
%
I'm going on a date with a delivery man.

He said he'll arrive between 3pm and 7.30pm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cnlzj/im_going_on_a_date_with_a_delivery_man/
%
My floors

I really appreciate beautiful Travertine floors.
A lot of other people, however, take them for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cngev/my_floors/
%
Did you hear about the photographer who ran out of subjects?

He shot himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cnf82/did_you_hear_about_the_photographer_who_ran_out/
%
Three nuns die in a car crash

They go up to the gates of heaven and meet an angel. The angel tells the nuns that he'll give each of them a little test to prove their faith to God, and they can go to heaven if they answer his questions correctly. He asks the first nun, "Who were the first people created by God?" She responds, "Adam and Eve." The angel says, "Correct. You may now go to heaven." Then he asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?"
"The Garden of Eden," the nun responds.
"Correct. You may now go to heaven" says the angel.
Then the angel asks the third nun, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun thought about it for a moment, but realized she did not know the answer. She muttered to herself, "Hmm... that's a hard one."
"Correct. You may now go to heaven," the angel responds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cndkr/three_nuns_die_in_a_car_crash/
%
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, he fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cndjj/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
%
First Day At School

The child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cncm3/first_day_at_school/
%
Two men were arrested and brought to court for doing drugs

After questioning them, the judge said, "Since you seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you guys a second chance instead of jail time, on a few conditions. You must agree to quit drugs yourselves, and you must also go out and try to persuade as many people as you can to quit drugs in the next week. We'll see you back next Friday then."
When they go back to court on Friday, the two men are once again questioned before the judge. The judge first asks one of the men what he did that week and he replied, "Well, I gave a speech at the high school explaining the evils of drugs based on my experiences, and I drew two circles up on the board, one large and one small, like this: O and o," tracing the circles in the air with his fingers. "I pointed to the large circle and said "This is your brain before drugs" and I pointed to the small circle and said "This is your brain after drugs." I got 12 people to quit drugs forever."
The judge said, "That's remarkable. Great job, young man. And how about you, how did you do?" he asked the other man.
The other man said, "I got 200 people to quit drugs forever." The judge exclaimed "That's amazing! How did you do that?" The man replied, "Well, I went to the same school as the other guy and I followed up his speech with a short speech of my own. I also used the two circles, but I started by pointing to the smaller circle and saying "This is your asshole before prison...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cnara/two_men_were_arrested_and_brought_to_court_for/
%
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Smash Mouth songs.

I said Hey Now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cn8fc/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_smash/
%
Why did the duck go to prison?

He got caught selling quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cn7qo/why_did_the_duck_go_to_prison/
%
I once met a girl with 12 nipples...

Sounds funny , DOZEN TIT? :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cn7g6/i_once_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
%
What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?

Beef Stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cn5u6/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_masturbating_cattle/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "thanks", I said "don't mention it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cn399/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
What did the sign for the strip club say during the day?

Sorry, we're clothed
Taken from Demetri Martin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cn2wy/what_did_the_sign_for_the_strip_club_say_during/
%
What do you call a bunch of zombies dressed as Superheroes?

The Necro Comic-Con

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cn290/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_zombies_dressed_as/
%
I went to a flower shop on my way to the hospice and asked for a dozen roses...

"I'm sorry sir, " said the florist, "I only have some with a couple of days life left in them. "
"No problem, " I replied, "that's more than enough. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cn1ua/i_went_to_a_flower_shop_on_my_way_to_the_hospice/
%
“I cuddle with my husband about two or three times a week.

”
“Yeah? Me just once.”
“Oh, but wait, I thought you were single.”
“Ah I see. I thought we were talking about your husband

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cn07j/i_cuddle_with_my_husband_about_two_or_three_times/
%
Dad, where's the thing for peeling potatoes?

She went shopping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmzv9/dad_wheres_the_thing_for_peeling_potatoes/
%
Why is Hillary just an "f"?

Because she deleted the "emale"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmzu3/why_is_hillary_just_an_f/
%
Osama-bin-Laden had traveled into town after several weeks

in the desert with his trusty camel. The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down.
Laden was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store: WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK!
He looks at his camel and decides to give it a shot. He goes in the store with his camel and the vendor asks him," What can I do for you?"
"Well, friend" Laden replies, "I noticed your sign and I'm interested in your help. You see my camel's been slowing down a bit and I don't really want to trade him in for a new one."
The vendor says, "That won't be necessary here. We make your camels run faster. It's guaranteed."
"OK Let's do it."
The vendor says, "Please pull your camel over this way onto the platform."
While Osama is steadying his camel onto the platform, the vendor disappears into another room and returns with two large bricks.
"Stand back," he cautions Laden.
The vendor goes behind the camel with bricks in hand, and smashes the camel's balls. The camel runs out of the place like a bat out of hell.
"Wow!," says Osama, "That's the fastest I've seen him run in years! But how am I going to reach him now?"
The vendor says with a smile, "Please step onto the platform, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmxml/osamabinladen_had_traveled_into_town_after/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmuyx/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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Penguin books seem to only publish extremist literature...

For them, everything is just black and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmuqf/penguin_books_seem_to_only_publish_extremist/
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I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmny4/i_cant_write_jokes_but_a_friend_of_mine_gave_me_a/
%
I'm like a suicide vest.

If you do me right I'll explode on your chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmnvx/im_like_a_suicide_vest/
%
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the LochNess monster either!”
(Credit. The Joke Cafe)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmm1i/an_atheist_was_spending_a_quiet_day_fishing/
%
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation

.
She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body.
He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.
The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.
When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmkvu/a_beautiful_young_girl_is_about_to_undergo_a/
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Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but...

Is actually just Poor Execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmi8l/hanging_a_beggar_is_good_in_theory_but/
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I just read through six pages in a dictionary.

I learnt next to nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmhui/i_just_read_through_six_pages_in_a_dictionary/
%
I found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters

It's shift work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmhty/i_found_a_job_helping_a_one_armed_typist_do/
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Why cant transvestites be pilots?

There's too much drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmdkn/why_cant_transvestites_be_pilots/
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Fucked my teacher today

And they said home-schooling wouldn't be fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmd36/fucked_my_teacher_today/
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There was a man from Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air, but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cmbvj/there_was_a_man_from_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train/
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What kind of tea can be hard to swallow?

Reality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cm9gx/what_kind_of_tea_can_be_hard_to_swallow/
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A man and a small girl were walking in the woods at night.

The forest was dark and silent.
The girl whined: "I'm scared!"
The man replied: "Oh, YOU're scared?! I have to get out of here all by myself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cm9fi/a_man_and_a_small_girl_were_walking_in_the_woods/
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In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cm7v8/in_order_to_make_a_relationship_work_you_have_to/
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If you want girls to be running after you

Become a Bus Driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cm6sf/if_you_want_girls_to_be_running_after_you/
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If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested in you or you're level 99 friend-zoned.

Or she hasn't spotted you behind the tree yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cm2bx/if_a_girl_changes_her_clothes_in_front_of_you/
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I think that there's something wrong with my testicles...

One seems to be bigger than the others

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cm201/i_think_that_theres_something_wrong_with_my/
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Why are all Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6clzsl/why_are_all_jewish_men_circumcised/
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Did you know that a cow had a seat on King Arthur's roundtable?

His name was Sir Loin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6clzek/did_you_know_that_a_cow_had_a_seat_on_king/
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Women On Bus.

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen.”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, mad.
She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “There’s no call for that. Go right up there and tell him off.
I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6clz2n/women_on_bus/
%
My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia.

But the good news is I started seeing someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6clxer/my_doctor_diagnosed_me_with_schizophrenia/
%
I went to the corner shop earlier to get some cigarettes.

The shopkeeper handed me a packet. The warning on it said, “Smokers Die Younger”.
I said, “No, not this one. My parents wouldn’t like that.”
He handed me another. The warning on it said, “Smoking Causes Cancer”.
I said, “No, not this one either. My doctor wouldn’t like that.”
He handed me another. The warning on it said, “Smoking Can Damage The Sperm And Causes Infertility”.
I said, “I’ll take this one. I don’t think that sock under my bed really gives a fuck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6clv2z/i_went_to_the_corner_shop_earlier_to_get_some/
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You wouldn't want to keep your money in a depressed safe.

It's too insecure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cluoq/you_wouldnt_want_to_keep_your_money_in_a/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Don't be silly, feminists cannot change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6clqur/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A nurse told me "Sorry for the wait!"

I replied "It's alright, I'm patient."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6clqeh/a_nurse_told_me_sorry_for_the_wait/
%
What do the sixth sense and titanic have in common?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6clfxd/what_do_the_sixth_sense_and_titanic_have_in_common/
%
What do you call a fat baby?

Heavy infantry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6clcxd/what_do_you_call_a_fat_baby/
%
Did you hear about the man with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6clax8/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_5_penises/
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First Week (NSFW)

It was John's first day on the ship and he was visibly excited. He had dreamed for years of being accepted into the Navy and now his dreams were coming true. His Commanding Officer welcomed him aboard and began to show him around the ship.
John learned where he would be eating, sleeping, and working on this giant vessel. He was shown to the engine room and was amazed at the intricacy of his new home.
At the end of the tour John stood in front of a door adorned with the letters "XXX".
"What's in here?" John asked with a chuckle.
"That?" the CO responded, "Why, that's Suzie's room. Anytime you get lonely, go talk to her. In fact, you two should get acquainted right now."
With a blush John agreed and pushed past the door. The dimly lit room only contained two items: a small lightbulb hanging from the ceiling and a barrel with a hole cut into the side.
Catching onto the trick and excited to christen his new position in life, John stuck his member in the hole. Within seconds a warm, wet, caressing sensation surrounded his pole. It wasn't long before the interaction was done and John returned to the hallway.
Grinning from ear to ear, his CO says, "How'd ya like her?"
John collected his thoughts and exclaimed, "That was the best blow job of my entire life! I can really visit her anytime I want?"
"Anytime except for Thursday night's. That's your shift in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6claoe/first_week_nsfw/
%
A supermarket cashier asked if I want my milk in a bag...

I said no, I prefer it staying in the carton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6clac4/a_supermarket_cashier_asked_if_i_want_my_milk_in/
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[LONG]A boy and his Father drive through the Red District.

The boy sees two women on a street corner, he asks his dad : '' Dad what are they doing? ''
Taken aback by his son's question, the father replies : '' Humm, they sell... happiness...''
Later that day, back home, the boy hears his parents arguing. Sad, he gets an idea. The boy breaks his piggy bank, takes all his saving and runs off to the Red District.
When he arrives at the street corner, he asks the two women if he could buy a bit of happiness for his 40 bucks.
The women look at him confused, look at each others and agree that they can't pass on 40$
So the women bring the boy to their apartment nearby and ask him what would really make him happy. The boy tells them that he loves Nutella and would enjoy toasts. The women agree and make the boy 2 Nutella toasts.
Happy, the boy pays the women and goes back home. As soon as he steps in his father hurries to the door and ask him where he was : '' Where were you??? I looked for you everywhere!''
The son replies : '' I went to the women we saw earlier because I needed some hapinness.''
Upon realizing who his son went to see, the father panics : '' Son what did they do to you???''
The son, with a huge smile, replies : '' Don't worry Dad, I was done after the first one so I just licked the second.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cl92b/longa_boy_and_his_father_drive_through_the_red/
%
My friend, who noticed a bulge in my pocket says "What's that"?

I said "Golf ball". He says "Oh man, that must hurt! I had tennis elbow once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cl906/my_friend_who_noticed_a_bulge_in_my_pocket_says/
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Triple torture

A young man was lost in the forest one day. Hungry and thirsty, searching for help, he came across a 5-story house hidden in the midst of the forest. He couldn't believe his luck and starving, he knocked on the door furiously. An old man opened the door.
"Son are you ok ?"
"Yes now that I've met you"
"Do you need some help?"
"Sir please let me stay the night. I'm hungry and thirsty and lost"
The old man thinks for a second and says "On one condition. Keep away from my precious daughter. If you touch her I'll triple-torture you in my own special way"
"Of course, I'll make sure I don't even look at her"
That night, as the young man is feasting at the dinner table, the old man's daughter walks in. Amazed with her beauty, he can't stop looking at her. She winks at him and indicates that she wants him to come up to her room later that night after the old man goes to bed. He thinks about the old man's warning, but thinks 'what can an old man like him do to a young lad like me anyway?'. That night he sneaks into the daughter's room on the top floor and they have passionate sex.
The next morning as he wakes up he can barely breathe. There is a heavy slab on his chest that reads on the edge 'torture #1: slab on chest'. There is no sign of the daughter and he struggles to take the heavy slab off his chest. At last he pushes hard enough that the slab is pushed out of the window.
As the slab is falling to the ground he notices a rope going down with it. He sees that there is something written on the slab. 'Torture#2: your right testicle is tied to slab'. He panics and his instant reaction is to jump out the window after the slab. As he is flying though the air the slab turns over and he reads what's written on the other side :'torture #3: left testicle tied to bed'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cl86y/triple_torture/
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I finally met Miss Right!

Unfortunately, I married her before I learned her first name is Always.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cl7hx/i_finally_met_miss_right/
%
I went to a very emotional wedding the other day.

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cl33q/i_went_to_a_very_emotional_wedding_the_other_day/
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A man decides to go horseback riding near the Grand Canyon

The man walks into a ranch and asks them for a nice mellow horse to go on a day ride with. The rancher says, "Sir I have just the horse for you. It was raised at the monastery just down the road and is very tame and obedient". Soon the horse is saddled up and the man is on it. The rancher says, "Now because this horse was raised by priests it only knows two commands. 'Thank God' for go and 'Amen' to stop". The man says "Thank God" and sure enough the horse starts to trot away. The man decides trotting isn't very fun and the horse is very obedient so he says "Thank god" several times and the horse begins to gallop. Suddenly he realizes the horse is heading straight for the edge of the grand canyon. Fear strikes the man and he forgets the word for stop. He tries pulling on the reins shouting at the horse - everything, but nothing works. Finally deciding he is about to die he quickly says a prayer. At the end of the prayer he says the word "Amen" and the horse suddenly stops at the edge of the cliff, with only inches to spare. The man looks over the edge of the cliff and says, "Thank God".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cl1qn/a_man_decides_to_go_horseback_riding_near_the/
%
You know why I hate conservatives?

They all make huge generalizations about liberals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cl0cw/you_know_why_i_hate_conservatives/
%
I am borrowing this joke from a torrent day user who doesn't seem to exist anymore. Let his joke live on!!!

�When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don�t take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don�t know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I�d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying �Hello.�
I politely said, �This is Rick. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?� Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear, �Get the right f***ing number!� and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn�t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn�s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, �You�re an a**hole!� and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word �a**hole� next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I�d call him up and yell, �You�re an a**hole!� It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic a**hole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, �Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I�m calling to see if you�re familiar with our Caller ID Program?� He yelled �NO!� and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, �That�s because you�re an a**hole!� and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I�d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole, I thought that I�d better call the BMW a**hole, too. I said, �Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?� He said, �Yes, it is.� I then asked, �Can you tell me where I can see it?� He said, �Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. It�s a yellow ranch style house, and the car�s parked right out in front.� I asked, �What�s your name?� He said, �My name is Don Hansen.� I asked, �When�s a good time to catch you, Don?� He said, �I�m home every evening after five.� I said, �Listen, Don, can I tell you something?� He said, �Yes?� I said, �Don, you�re an a**hole!� Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. Then I came up with an idea� I called a**hole #1. He said, �Hello.� I said, �You�re an a**hole!� but I didn�t hang up. He asked, �Are you still there?� I said, �Yeah!� He screamed, �Stop calling me!� I said, �Make me.� He asked, �Who are you?� I said, �My name is Don Hansen.� He said, �Yeah? Where do you live?� I said, �a**hole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.� He said, �I�m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.� I said, �Yeah, like I�m really scared, a**hole� and hung up.
Then I called a**hole #2. He said, �Hello?� I said, �Hello, a**hole.� He yelled, �If I ever find out who you are�� I said, �You�ll what?� He exclaimed, �I�ll kick your ass!� I answered, �Well, a**hole, here�s your chance. I�m coming over right now.�
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch the two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better.� :lol: :lol: :lol:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckzyy/i_am_borrowing_this_joke_from_a_torrent_day_user/
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How many cats?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckzxj/how_many_cats/
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I named my hard drive "dat ass" so …

once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckzmx/i_named_my_hard_drive_dat_ass_so/
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Where Did The Crazy Distance Runner Go To Run?

The Psycho-Path.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckz6q/where_did_the_crazy_distance_runner_go_to_run/
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What is Putin's favorite instrument to play?

Trump/Pence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckwme/what_is_putins_favorite_instrument_to_play/
%
What's the cheapest type of meat?

Deer balls.  They're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckwcn/whats_the_cheapest_type_of_meat/
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Today a man knocked on my door …

He asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I went back into the house and brought back a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckuij/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door/
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My son wanted to know what it's like to be married

I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckug2/my_son_wanted_to_know_what_its_like_to_be_married/
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger...

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckr1p/i_wondered_why_the_baseball_was_getting_bigger/
%
I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals...

I'm LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckq7d/i_cant_remember_what_51_6_and_500_are_in_roman/
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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"...

Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckpzk/teacher_kids_what_does_the_chicken_give_you/
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What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want em?
NEEEEEEAAAAAAOOWWWW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckp60/what_do_we_want/
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Old Man Johnson was sitting on his porch...

... When Little Timmy walked past.
"Whatchya got there, boy?" he shouts.
"Duct Tape", replied Little Timmy.
"What do you plan to do with that?"
"I'm gonna catch me some ducks!"
"Silly boy," says Old Man Johnson. "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
Little Timmy smiles and says, "Watch me".
Later that afternoon, Old Man Johnson was sitting on his porch when Little Timmy walks past with his duct tape unrolled behind him, and seven ducks with their feet stuck to it.
"Well I'll be", says Old Man Johnson.
The next day, Old Man Johnson is sitting on his porch when Little Timmy walks by.
"Whatchya got there, boy?" he shouts.
"Chicken wire!" replies Little Timmy.
"What do you plan to do with that?"
"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!"
"Silly boy," says Old Man Johnson. "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Little Timmy smiles and says, "Watch me".
Later that afternoon, Old Man Johnson is sitting on his porch when Little Timmy walks past with his chicken wire unrolled behind him, and seven chickens with their feet caught in it.
"Well I'll be," says Old Man Johnson.
The next day, Old Man Johnson is sitting on his porch when Little Timmy walks past.
"Whatchya got there, boy?" he shouts.
"Pussy willow," replies Little Timmy.
"Hold up, I'll get my hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckoy6/old_man_johnson_was_sitting_on_his_porch/
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A farmer's dilemma

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.”
The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home after following her advice.
On the way, he said, “Let’s take my shortcut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me… How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
Shocked, the farmer responded, “Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cko62/a_farmers_dilemma/
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Punctuality

A company owner was asked a question, 'How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?'
He smiled & replied, 'It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces.
...... One is paid parking.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cknxa/punctuality/
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Looking for a house to rent...

A lawyer, who had a wife and12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home
But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie. We all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked, "How many children do you have?"
He answered, "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words...and don't forget, most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckniw/looking_for_a_house_to_rent/
%
No wonder North Korea's so evil...

It's hard to be merciful if you have no Seoul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckmme/no_wonder_north_koreas_so_evil/
%
Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?

I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckmkw/did_you_ever_wake_up_give_the_person_next_to_you/
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Two blondes walk into a building

You'd figure one of them would have seen it .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckjuw/two_blondes_walk_into_a_building/
%
How do you get 2 violinists to play in unison?

Shoot one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckhcm/how_do_you_get_2_violinists_to_play_in_unison/
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way of Government

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write
the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people.
One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position. Then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative
Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off
the night watchman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckh8n/way_of_government/
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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say..

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckgsb/a_guy_joins_a_monastery_and_takes_a_vow_of/
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I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people...

But none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ckaiq/i_have_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam

I’d have $ 6.30 now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cka4y/if_i_got_50_cents_for_every_failed_math_exam/
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If anything can be said about my ex-wife...

She's one hell of a house keeper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ck5dr/if_anything_can_be_said_about_my_exwife/
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If you can't handle me at my worst

That makes two of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ck483/if_you_cant_handle_me_at_my_worst/
%
"Hey girl, you want some good sex?"

"No"
"Then you came to the right guy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ck3od/hey_girl_you_want_some_good_sex/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse responds, "My alcoholism is killing my family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ck3fd/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So I am a proud anti-vac parent and my kids turned out great!

The ones that survived, anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ck1s9/so_i_am_a_proud_antivac_parent_and_my_kids_turned/
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Daddy's nickname

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.  "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick!  Spit'em out!  They're assholes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ck0tu/daddys_nickname/
%
Where do chemicals come from?

The chemistree.
yeah i wanna die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ck04r/where_do_chemicals_come_from/
%
Two wind turbines are talking to each other..

One asks the other : Hey what kind of music are you into?
The other one answers : Well I'm a big metal fan..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjz07/two_wind_turbines_are_talking_to_each_other/
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A man gets married and wants to have children

.  His wife works hard at her job performing autopsies, and they save up enough money to where the husband starts talking seriously about having a child.  She is very stand-offish about it, but he continues to bring it up repeatedly.  One day, after picking her up from her job at the morgue, he confronts her, asking "Why don't you want to have children?"  Angrily, she turns to him and tells him "Because nobody puts a baby in a coroner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjyv8/a_man_gets_married_and_wants_to_have_children/
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Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United State

s and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjyin/two_immigrants_from_africa_arrive_in_the_united/
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Read a book about a lonely cyclops.

It's called, "Me, Myself and Eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjxrs/read_a_book_about_a_lonely_cyclops/
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Boobs are like the sun.

It's dangerous to look, but that's what sunglasses are for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjwgd/boobs_are_like_the_sun/
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What do you call a tree that lost its family in a forrest fire?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjvf3/what_do_you_call_a_tree_that_lost_its_family_in_a/
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How many babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjtwc/how_many_babies_do_you_need_to_paint_a_wall/
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A herd of cattle... A murder of crows...

...a migraine of children...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjrlp/a_herd_of_cattle_a_murder_of_crows/
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Clowns

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.
One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjqpk/clowns/
%
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They put the bulb in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjq42/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Did you hear about the RPG fan who keeps making female characters and re-doing their stats?

He respecs women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjmvp/did_you_hear_about_the_rpg_fan_who_keeps_making/
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I kept wondering why the ball in the sky was getting bigger and bigger...

And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjls3/i_kept_wondering_why_the_ball_in_the_sky_was/
%
My daughter has a split personality.

She's a "sweetheart" to my wife but a little shit to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjl7o/my_daughter_has_a_split_personality/
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An Indian restaurant hired a contractor to remodel their place...

...They specifically wanted a tan door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjjp5/an_indian_restaurant_hired_a_contractor_to/
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The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjici/the_real_reason_women_dont_like_guys_under_6_feet/
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A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’ The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. ‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
So I just switched the heads.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cje5t/a_man_who_just_died_is_delivered_to_a_local/
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So these two stoners were walking along....

...when they come across what appears to be a pile of dog shit. This sets off a discussion on the reality of the situation:
Stoner #1: Man, that looks like dog shit.
Stoner #2: I think you're right, dude. It does look like dog shit.
Stoner #1: You might want to smell it man, see if it smells like dog shit.
Stoner #2: Yeah. Yeah, it *does* smell like dog shit.
Stoner#1: Hm. Try feeling it, dude. See if it feels like dog shit.
Stoner#2: Yeah. Yeah, man, it feels just like dog shit.
Stoner#1: Well. Why don't you taste it, dude. See if it tastes like dog shit.
Stoner#2: BLEHH! Yeah, it sure as fuck tastes like dog shit, man!
Stoner#1: Well, that settles it. It must be dog shit.
Stoner#2: Yeah. Good thing we didn't step it it, huh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cjcts/so_these_two_stoners_were_walking_along/
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Why was the phone wearing glasses?

It lost its contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cj824/why_was_the_phone_wearing_glasses/
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There are zero types of people in the world

Those who are positive and those who are negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ciymm/there_are_zero_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

Miscarriage.
This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ciyaq/what_word_begins_with_m_and_ends_in_arriage_and/
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A computer joke...

...
01:25PM <grifter> go up to a girl and ask,"are you sitting on the F5 key" ,
"because thast ass is refreshing."
[01:26pm] <Ant> haha
...
01:26PM <Ant> Did you make that up?
...
01:27PM <grifter> LimitlessEXP
01:27PM <grifter> on youtube
01:27PM <Ant> ah
...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6civwj/a_computer_joke/
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Guy takes a hooker out for supper.

He giver her his peas, she gives him herpes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cit36/guy_takes_a_hooker_out_for_supper/
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My aunt always said the slow and steady win the race

She died in a fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cirdx/my_aunt_always_said_the_slow_and_steady_win_the/
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Today my jerk colleague at work asked me to cover his ass so that he can attend a pool party with his friends

I refused with anger, and told him to use a swimming suit like all people do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cir9w/today_my_jerk_colleague_at_work_asked_me_to_cover/
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Peter Pan is always flying

Because he neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ciqbd/peter_pan_is_always_flying/
%
Donald Trump is Writing a New Book

The Art of the Plea Deal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cioku/donald_trump_is_writing_a_new_book/
%
7 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

10 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cijaf/7_pm_i_get_an_sms_from_my_girlfriend_me_or/
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My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ciiis/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_stop_impersonating_a/
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A business man

got tired of his boring office job and decided on a change in lifestyle. He quit his job the next day and decided to work on a ranch. He was set to the menial task of setting and building fence along the property line. Working alongside the other ranch hands all day, he noticed one fence post sitting by itself alongside the pile. Everyday he looked at it until curiosity finally got the better of him. By the second week, as he went to pick it up, it crumbled away in his hands. As the business man witnessed this, he proclaimed:
"Oh, it's a shit post."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cifql/a_business_man/
%
Why was Imperial Japan so weak?

Because it only took a little boy and a fat man to take it down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cifjd/why_was_imperial_japan_so_weak/
%
R.I.P. Boiling Water

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cife2/rip_boiling_water/
%
What do we want?

Low-flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
Neeeeeooooooow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ciecu/what_do_we_want/
%
Why won't Republicans impeach Donald Trump?

Because they insist on keeping a baby full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cid1p/why_wont_republicans_impeach_donald_trump/
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and the eye of the tiger

And a lifetime ban from the national zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cicdx/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion_and_the/
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My school does these things at the end of the year called "Senior Pranks".

Usually the same routine, with some alterations each year. Pull the fire alarm, play inappropriate music over the loud speaker, and throw a couple smoke bombs here and there. I'm always surprised how the local retirement home doesn't threaten to sue anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ci9sf/my_school_does_these_things_at_the_end_of_the/
%
Little Timmy walks in on his dad beating his meat

Timmy: What are you doing daddy?
Dad: This is called masturbation, son. You'll be doing it soon enough
Timmy: Why?
Dad: My arms are getting tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ci7iv/little_timmy_walks_in_on_his_dad_beating_his_meat/
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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, one to tell a joke about it, and one to explain that the joke is a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ci7iq/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A man walks into a library and checks out a book on suicide.

He walks out and the librarian then turns to her work associate and says, “He’s not bringing that book back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ci6rm/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_checks_out_a_book/
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I ate some shepherd's pie today

...he seemed pretty angry about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ci0b4/i_ate_some_shepherds_pie_today/
%
A boy and his mom

were walking down the street and the boy pulled on his mom's arm and said, "Mom look! There's a bow-legged man over there!"
His mother shushed him quickly telling him it's not nice to call people bow-legged.
A week later they were walking together and he pulls on his mom's arm and says, "Look mom! There's that bow-legged man again!"
This time the mother takes him straight home saying, "I've told you before it's not nice to call people bow-legged."
Once they arrived at home the mother handed the boy a book of Shakespeare saying, "Go to your room and read this book! Hopefully it will teach you some manners!"
So the boy read the book, and a week later they were walking down the street, and the boy pulls on his mom's arm and says, "Hark! What manner of men are these? Who wear their legs in parentheses?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6chzho/a_boy_and_his_mom/
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What is an Oedipus rex?

You haven't heard? It's a mother fucking dinosaur!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6chz9i/what_is_an_oedipus_rex/
%
I was seriously considering stealing a military strategy board game from the store yesterday...

...but i didnt. Im not much of a Risk taker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6chtsf/i_was_seriously_considering_stealing_a_military/
%
Don't be sad...

Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can’t fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6chsxa/dont_be_sad/
%
Why do you never buy a woman a watch?

Because there is a clock on the stove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6chrdo/why_do_you_never_buy_a_woman_a_watch/
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Racist jokes are like kids with cancer...

... They dont get Old.
(This is not intended to insult anyone)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6chr6z/racist_jokes_are_like_kids_with_cancer/
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*BOOM*

Mom: What was that?
ME: My shirt fell.
Mom: It sounded a lot heavier than that....
ME: I was in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6chqej/boom/
%
What is a pregnant woman to a cannibal?

Kinder Surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6chocp/what_is_a_pregnant_woman_to_a_cannibal/
%
How do cops change a light bulb?

They beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6chl0o/how_do_cops_change_a_light_bulb/
%
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?

Linoleum Blown Apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6chkjk/what_do_you_get_when_you_throw_a_hand_grenade/
%
What's the difference between theory and practice?

Well, in theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6chjjz/whats_the_difference_between_theory_and_practice/
%
What's the difference between Hulk Hogan and paper?

The Rock beat hulk hogan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6chhiv/whats_the_difference_between_hulk_hogan_and_paper/
%
What catch phrase do white girls and statisticians share in common?

"That's totally random"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6chbof/what_catch_phrase_do_white_girls_and/
%
A man explains to his girlfriend that his pants are especially made for dancing.

Girlfriend: Ballroom?
Man: No not much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6chask/a_man_explains_to_his_girlfriend_that_his_pants/
%
Why did God give women orgasms?

So they've got something else to moan about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cha93/why_did_god_give_women_orgasms/
%
Five years ago today, I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ch9my/five_years_ago_today_i_asked_a_beautiful_girl_out/
%
A little boy was playing in the garden

A father watched his young son as he was playing in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly he stopped and didn't move for a moment. The father went over to him to ask him why did he stop.
"Dad, why do good people die young?" he asked
The father found it curious that why would a young boy ask this question.
The father giving him the popular example of flower in the garden asked " when you're in a garden which flower will you pick? The beautiful one or the ugly one?"
"The ugly one" the boy replied immediately
"Exactl—.......  wait...... What? Why?" father asked him out of surprise.
The little boy looked into his father's eyes, picked and ugly flower and shouted " because ugly bitches do not belong in my garden"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ch8q3/a_little_boy_was_playing_in_the_garden/
%
One of the professors at a university is well known for his sexist comments in class.

One day, all of the women in the class gathered outside of the classroom and decided that the next time he made a sexist comment they would all walk out of the classroom.
The next day the professor was talking and made another sexist statement as expected, "You ladies will be happy to hear that the tribesmen have an average penis size of 12 inches."
With this all of the women walk out. He calls to them, "Girls! Wait! The next flight doesn't leave for a few hours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ch876/one_of_the_professors_at_a_university_is_well/
%
Why is sex with a hipster so boring?

Because they don't like things that are in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ch765/why_is_sex_with_a_hipster_so_boring/
%
Nico is extremely optimistic and always sees the bright side of everything.

It drives his friends Connor and Tyler crazy, so one day they decide to tell him a story that he cannot find the positive in.
Nico meets Tyler at his house and Nico asks where Connor is. Tyler tells him "You didn't hear? He found his girlfriend with another guy last night and killed them both then he killed himself."
Nico says "Thank God!"
Tyler looks at him and says "Are you serious?"
Nico says "Yeah, if that would have happened a few nights ago I would be dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ch653/nico_is_extremely_optimistic_and_always_sees_the/
%
Did you hear about the hunter who got squashed by the dying elephant?

He finally understood the gravity of his actions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ch5po/did_you_hear_about_the_hunter_who_got_squashed_by/
%
Sometimes I tuck my knees up to my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ch2nl/sometimes_i_tuck_my_knees_up_to_my_chest_and_lean/
%
A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."
The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a urine test."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ch24p/a_little_girl_and_boy_are_in_a_doctors_waiting/
%
I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom."
I can barely walk now, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ch22v/i_got_a_new_stick_deodorant_today/
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The Final Battle of Jesus and Satan

It's not well known but the final battle between Jesus and Satan is actually a computer programming battle.  Armageddon arrives and the battle begins.  Jesus and Satan are both tasked with the most complicated programming task ever given.  This is the type of task even Linus Torvalds would declare impossible.  Jesus and Satan are put in a room with two computers, the doors are locked, and they are given 8 hours.
The hours go by and Jesus and Satan are both programming at a pace never witnessed in human history.  Satan is typing so fast the computer isn't keeping up and Jesus has already created two new programming languages complete with documentation just to make the rest of the task easier.  After 7 hours go by, there's a loud POP and the power goes.  The room goes completely dark and both computers go to black.
Satan is fuming, breathing fire, doing all sorts of angry devil-like stuff.  He's curing and screaming "I've lost all my work!  This is terrible!  Neither of us can possibly win now."  Then he looks over at Jesus and he's just sitting calmly in his chair, reclining a little bit, and has his eyes closed catching a rest.  Satan can't stand it, "What are you doing over there?  How can't this upset you!"  Just then the power comes back on, Jesus types for a few more seconds, submits his code, looks at Satan and says "It's over, I've won."
Now Satan is really furious "How is that possible! How can you have re-written everything that took even you hours to complete in a few seconds"
Jesus shakes his head, looks at Satan, and says, "Haven't you heard?  Jesus Saves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ch0gw/the_final_battle_of_jesus_and_satan/
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How many friend zoned guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgyz2/how_many_friend_zoned_guys_does_it_take_to_screw/
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Why is Texas a lone star state?

"Because it's terrible."
-Yelp review

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgyq7/why_is_texas_a_lone_star_state/
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A big, tough guy walks into a bar...

Immediately seeing his massive muscles, and overall dangerous aura, everyone hushes and just stares.
"Listen punks," he growls out. "I run this bar now, and you guys are going by my rules! Everyone on the left side is an incest loving hillbilly, and everybody on the right side is a raging homosexual. Any issues?"
A scrawny, unassuming man from the right side raises a shaky hand.
"And what do YOU want?" The tough guy asks.
He replies "Well sir, what do we do if we belong on both sides?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgy8h/a_big_tough_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a redditor that hunts others?

a Predditor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgy6c/what_do_you_call_a_redditor_that_hunts_others/
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Horses are the biggest haters I know

Fucking neigh-sayers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgw9i/horses_are_the_biggest_haters_i_know/
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I was talking to my wife...

She asked me: how do I look?
I said: a thousand times prettier than last time
Really?
Unfortunately, 1000 times 0 is still 0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgvf5/i_was_talking_to_my_wife/
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My friend asked me if she could use my periodic table

I said "sorry, I left it atom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgv8r/my_friend_asked_me_if_she_could_use_my_periodic/
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Dad : son, if you masturbate too much you will go blind

Son : dad, I'm over here not there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgu9n/dad_son_if_you_masturbate_too_much_you_will_go/
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What do you get when you cross human DNA with goat DNA?

A ban from the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgt8l/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_human_dna_with/
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A young couple on their honeymoon...

...the bride comes out of the bathroom in her lingerie and finds her new husband cowering under the sheets. She says, "What's wrong? Don't you want to do this?"
He says, "Momma told me girls have teeth down there!"
She lifts her leg up and leans in close so he can get a good look. "Do you see any teeth in there?!"
He says, "Nah, but your gums are fucked up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgruk/a_young_couple_on_their_honeymoon/
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What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgruc/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_man_and_a/
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What is it called when a kid refuses to sleep during nap time?

Resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgqhk/what_is_it_called_when_a_kid_refuses_to_sleep/
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Why do pirates like thick bitches?

They like their girls a little scurvy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgpxg/why_do_pirates_like_thick_bitches/
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I got it all figured out. I will be a male stripper in Antarctica

My stage name? South Pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgp32/i_got_it_all_figured_out_i_will_be_a_male/
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgnj1/why_do_squirrels_swim_on_their_backs/
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My friend said, "I'm trying to think of words that start and end with the same letter."

I said, "How about that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgk65/my_friend_said_im_trying_to_think_of_words_that/
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I suffer from delayed ejaculation.

It's been 17 years now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgifc/i_suffer_from_delayed_ejaculation/
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A cheese factory exploded today

There was de brie everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgicj/a_cheese_factory_exploded_today/
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Trump is out of the country?

Build the wall! Quickly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cghtm/trump_is_out_of_the_country/
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Hey, did you see what happened on the news?

"Nah, I Reddit already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgheg/hey_did_you_see_what_happened_on_the_news/
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School

With the average velocity of an ejaculation being 28mph, it is too fast for a school zone.
I don't think that's why I got arrested outside the school though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cggid/school/
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I made my girlfriend cum three times.

Which isn't great over a period of 7 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgg9r/i_made_my_girlfriend_cum_three_times/
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7 dwarfs in bed feeling happy

Happy got out so they started feeling grumpy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgg5z/7_dwarfs_in_bed_feeling_happy/
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity right now.

It's impossible to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgewp/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity_right_now/
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What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?

Molasses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgdrj/what_do_you_call_6021023_butts/
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If the 1st Robin died, what would Batman have in common with a man with erectile dysfunction?

A limp dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgdip/if_the_1st_robin_died_what_would_batman_have_in/
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Donald Trump didn't perturb the apparent wildebeest when he shot at them.

Fake gnus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgd7t/donald_trump_didnt_perturb_the_apparent/
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My wife told me she was going to bed and asked when i'd be coming.

"I won't be if Im in bed with you" I replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cgawr/my_wife_told_me_she_was_going_to_bed_and_asked/
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Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cg9cj/wheres_the_best_place_to_hide_after_committing/
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I like my women how I like my chocolate...

No nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cg8hm/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_chocolate/
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They say 1 in 12 people live next door to a paedophile

I don't, I live next door to 2 stunning 12 year olds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cg7bw/they_say_1_in_12_people_live_next_door_to_a/
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A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cg6qm/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_do_you/
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I'll never forget my grandfathers last words.

''Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cg5fg/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cg52x/if_a_woman_drinks_two_glasses_of_wine_a_day_it/
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A redneck blonde had her arm inside a chicken coop. Her sister stumbles upon her and asks, "What ya doin'?"

The blonde replied, "Pa asked me to pull out his cock, but it keeps pecking my hand!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cg2s7/a_redneck_blonde_had_her_arm_inside_a_chicken/
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What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness?

Someone knocking at your door for no apparent reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cg1kz/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_atheist_with_a/
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When Fozzy the Muppet gets old what will he need to get around?

A WALKA WALKA WALKA!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cg12h/when_fozzy_the_muppet_gets_old_what_will_he_need/
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What's gray, and if it gets in your eye, you'll probably die?

The Empire State Building

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfzya/whats_gray_and_if_it_gets_in_your_eye_youll/
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A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."
Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."
Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."
Driver: "Me neither."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfzan/a_driver_gets_pulled_over/
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Today I was offered sex by a 21 year old girl.

In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on the internet. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfwwv/today_i_was_offered_sex_by_a_21_year_old_girl/
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God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfvma/god_is_watching/
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Why don't girls masturbate as much as guys?

They don't like manual labia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfur2/why_dont_girls_masturbate_as_much_as_guys/
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I didn`t actually want to get a brain transplant but...

... I changed my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cft40/i_didnt_actually_want_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
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What bees give out milk?

BooBees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfqqx/what_bees_give_out_milk/
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My wife is an internet porn star.

If she ever finds out she'll kill me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfqoo/my_wife_is_an_internet_porn_star/
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My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfnv3/my_son_is_starting_school_soon_and_thinks_the/
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What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfm6d/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_hit_the_wall/
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An old lady walks into a pharmacy

\- I would like to buy a pack of acetylsalicylic acid.
\- Do you mean aspirin?
\- Oh yes! I couldn't remember the name!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfly5/an_old_lady_walks_into_a_pharmacy/
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Which country's capital has the fastest population growth?

Ireland, because it's always Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cflc7/which_countrys_capital_has_the_fastest_population/
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I like my coffee how I like my women..

without a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfkar/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
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A man was traveling in the mountains when he crashes his car...

Unfortunately, he found his car could no longer drive as it had a flat tire. As he was in the middle of the mountains, the man found himself stranded. He began walking down the road and to his surprise, just around the bend, was a monastery in the distance. The man approached the monastery and knocked on the front door. A monk answered the door and said "Hello traveler, what brings you to our monastery?".
"Hello sir", said the man, "I have crashed my car just down the road and it has a flat tire. I was hoping you might have the supplies I need to fix it and be on my way".
"Of course." replied the monk, "But I must insist that you stay for a hot meal and rest in our monastery for the night."
"Oh no I can't. I don't want to intrude." said the man.
"Please." says the monk, "It's customary for our people to be kind to all travellers that come our way."
"Fair enough" says the man. And so he stays for a delicious meal with the monks. The monks and the man eat, drink, and have a great night together. After the meal the man is shown to his room, where he lays in the most comfortable bed he has ever laid in. He's about to go to sleep when he realizes there's a quiet ticking noise coming from the next room over. At first it doesn't bug him, but after a few hours of tossing and turning trying to get to sleep, the man becomes extremely annoyed with the ticking. The next morning the monks fix the man's car and ask him how he slept and he tells them, "The bed was the most comfortable bed I've ever laid in! But that constant ticking sound from the next room kept me up all night! What is causing that ticking?"
"Oh that." the head monk says, "Only monks can know about that. It is our biggest secret and unfortunately, an outsider cannot know." This angers the man a little, but he doesn't say anything since the monks have been very kind to him. He thanks the monks for their hospitality and for fixing his car, and he continues on his way. Years later, the man is traveling down the very same road in the mountains and lo and behold, his car breaks down again. Remembering the monastery from before, the man makes his way to the temple and once again knocks on the door. Again the monks show him the same generous hospitality and show him to the same room he slept in before. And once again, the man cannot sleep because of the constant ticking sound from the next room over. The next morning, the man asks the head monk "Years ago, I was here and I also heard that constant ticking noise! What is that noise?" To which the head monk tells him, "That ticking noise is one of our most closely guarded secrets. Only other monks can know about our secret." The man is overcome with curiosity and demands to know what it would take for him to become a monk.
"You must travel the world and enlighten yourself." says the head monk. "Once you have traveled the entire world and you can tell me the exact number of grains of sand on the planet, and the exact number of blades of grass, then you can become a monk."
So the man sets out on his journey to become a monk. 10 years go by, and the man still has not completed his task. 20 years pass and the man still travels the globe. 30 years and there still remains sand that the man has not counted. Finally after 40 years, the man, worn and tired, returns to the monastery. He goes right up to the head monk and tells him "There are exactly 23,432,673,390,212 grains of sand and 898,231,546,770 blades of grass on the planet."
"You are correct. You may become a monk." says the head monk.
"Finally!" exclaims the man. "Now that I'm a monk, I want to know what is the cause of that constant ticking!"
"Are you sure?" asks the head monk, "It is a great secret kept hidden for centuries. Not everybody who becomes a monk has the strength and fortitude to know our secret."
"Yes I'm sure!" declares the man, "I've traveled the globe and dedicated 40 years of my life to become a monk and now I want to learn what causes the ticking!" So the head monk leads the man to a large locked door. He takes out a key and opens the door to reveal another locked door. "Are you certain you want to know our secret?" asks the monk. But the man is sure. He is practically bursting with anticipation and demands to continue through the next door. The monk takes out another key, this one even larger than the first, and unlocks the second door. Behind the second door is a THIRD door. The monk stops and pauses and asks the man "This is your last chance. Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE you want to know what causes the ticking? This is the last door. Behind it is the greatest secret of the monks." At this point, the man is practically DYING to know what's behind the door making the ticking noise. He insists over and over again he wants to know the monk's secret. Finally the head monk takes out another key and opens the door. The door creaks open, and the man's jaw drops. It was nothing like nothing he had seen before.
What was inside the door causing the ticking noise? I'd tell you, but I can't since you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfj7i/a_man_was_traveling_in_the_mountains_when_he/
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How do you castrate a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfh7g/how_do_you_castrate_a_redneck/
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If someone drinks alcohol.

If someone drinks alcohol they're an alcoholic, does that mean if someone drinks Fanta they're fantastic.
- dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfh1o/if_someone_drinks_alcohol/
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Yo momma so fat

Not even dolby could surround her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cffqr/yo_momma_so_fat/
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Why don't you iron a four leaf clover?

So you don't press your luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cffem/why_dont_you_iron_a_four_leaf_clover/
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What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfd44/what_do_dale_earnhardt_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
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American Soldiers

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”
The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked, railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
“And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong b*itch out the window.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cfb5o/american_soldiers/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one; they stick it in and expect the world to revolve around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cf6qm/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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My doctor asked me if I drink to excess.

I told him I'd drink to anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cf690/my_doctor_asked_me_if_i_drink_to_excess/
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How can you tell when you have really bad acne?

When blind people start trying to read your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cf53u/how_can_you_tell_when_you_have_really_bad_acne/
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There was a small boy. (Long)

He was always bothering his parents to tell them that he had to tinkle. It bothered his father that he said tinkle. So he came up with a code word for his child to let him know he had to go in public without saying tinkle. He said tell me you have to whisper instead. And so he started to tell his parents he had to whisper. Then he went to visit his grandparents and eventually he had to go to the bathroom. So he told his grandpa he had to whisper. So the Grandpa not knowing the code word told the little boy to go ahead and whisper in his ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cf3pj/there_was_a_small_boy_long/
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My wife complained that long baths feel draining

So I got her a plug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cf3nj/my_wife_complained_that_long_baths_feel_draining/
%
In 1991, a country banned expressions of surrender, acceptance, or agreement.

That marked the fall of the "So be it" Union.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cf22p/in_1991_a_country_banned_expressions_of_surrender/
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I tried getting on a plane with a dead moose once.

The attendant said I had to check it as luggage. I said, no it’s carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cf1se/i_tried_getting_on_a_plane_with_a_dead_moose_once/
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Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Every where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cf06h/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_when_they_die/
%
What Do You Call A Bouncer At A Gay Bar ?

A Flamer-Thrower !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cezv5/what_do_you_call_a_bouncer_at_a_gay_bar/
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A guy is approached by a hooker in a bar. She says, "This

is your lucky night. I've got a special for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three one hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint...my...house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cezr0/a_guy_is_approached_by_a_hooker_in_a_bar_she_says/
%
Why do people always avoid talking about hands?

They're a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cezfm/why_do_people_always_avoid_talking_about_hands/
%
If there's Alpha Centauri and Beta Centauri....

When are they releasing the full game?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ceyto/if_theres_alpha_centauri_and_beta_centauri/
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I found a poor old guy unconscious by the side of a road

At least I think he was poor because I only found 3$ on him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cew84/i_found_a_poor_old_guy_unconscious_by_the_side_of/
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Why did the hobbit fall

He had a Frodoian slip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cew0m/why_did_the_hobbit_fall/
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Someone stole my identity

I hope they can do a better job with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cevec/someone_stole_my_identity/
%
Only been going to the gym a week

And already hitting the max weight on one of the machines.
Shame it's the scales

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cevd2/only_been_going_to_the_gym_a_week/
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Have you heard about the sitcom filmed on the inside of a loafer?

Hilarity in shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cetpn/have_you_heard_about_the_sitcom_filmed_on_the/
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I made a belt out of watches last night

It was a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cetoc/i_made_a_belt_out_of_watches_last_night/
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How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops of ice cream, Two scoops of dead baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cesat/how_do_you_make_a_dead_baby_float/
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I was at a liquor store

An employee asked me: "Do you need help sir?"
"Yes but I came anyways"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ces5i/i_was_at_a_liquor_store/
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[NSFW] What do you call a cow that....

What do you call a cow that jacks off too much?
Beef Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ceqfa/nsfw_what_do_you_call_a_cow_that/
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What do you get when you turn a blonde girl upside down?

A brunette with bad breath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ceo9q/what_do_you_get_when_you_turn_a_blonde_girl/
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You hear about the ass that got jumped?

They rectum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ceo4h/you_hear_about_the_ass_that_got_jumped/
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My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cem5d/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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How much did those noodles weigh?

Won Ton!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6celsw/how_much_did_those_noodles_weigh/
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Rorschach humor

“Heard joke once: Man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cejm8/rorschach_humor/
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What is big green and fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ceitg/what_is_big_green_and_fuzzy_and_kills_you_when_it/
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The Story of Jack

Jack was an Irish immigrant who came to America several years ago.
One day Jack goes to mow the lawn only to find the the lawn mower is broken. He tells his wife that he's going to billys house to ask if he can borrow his lawn mower.
"He wont lend ya the mower" says his wife.
"That cheapskate wouldnt lend ya the sweat from his arse" she continued.
"Of course he would." Jack replied. "We came on the same boat together, we married sisters, I even lent him the $10 for groceries when he was broke." He said.
Jack began down the street to billys.
"Crazy woman, of course billy would lend me the mower" Jack said to himself. "After all we came on the same boat together" He said reassuringly. "We married sisters, I even lent him that 10 dollars!.
Jack continued in silence for a few moments.
"I mean why wouldnt he loan me the mower." Jack said in a partly concerned voice "Surely he would, after we came on the same boat, after we married sister, after i loaned him that 10 dollars."
Jack continued walking as he neared billys house. "Now why wouldnt he give me the lawn mower!?!? We came on the same boat together! We Married Sisters! I GAVE HIM TEN DOLLARS."
Jack approached Billys door and knocked angrily, billy opens the door.
"Hey Jack What can i do for ya"
"Ill tell ya what ya cheapskate, You can take yer lawn mower, and shove it straight up yer arse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ceh9j/the_story_of_jack/
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A Doctor is pulled over for speeding...

A doctor is speeding and goes through a blind corner only to find a cop standing there with a radar gun.  The cop chases him down and pulls him over.  The cop says, "Sir I pulled you over because you were doing almost double the speed limit through that turn."
The doctor replies, "Look I'm an important doctor and I'm very late."
The cop asks, "Oh yeah? What kind of doctor are you?"
"A proctologist, I work on the anus."
"What do you do as a proctologist?" the cop asks.
The doctor replies, " Well first I start out by putting my finger in there, and slowly stretching it out until I can get two fingers in, and repeat until I can get two from each hand in there.  Then I will slowly open the anus and stretch it out til I can put my whole hand in there.  I repeat this until I can put a foot in, and then stretch it until it's abut 6 feet tall."
The absolutely horrified cop asks the man, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole??"
The doctor looks right at him and says, "Well I give it a badge and a radar gun and stick it on a blind corner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ceh8k/a_doctor_is_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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A woman called her husband about what she had seen on the news.

She says, "Watch out honey! There's a madman driving on the wrong side of the highway."
The husband replies, "One? There are hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cefdn/a_woman_called_her_husband_about_what_she_had/
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Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy, or James?

Name that shit Hurricane Death Mega-Fuck 3000 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they ought to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cebuh/why_name_hurricanes_lame_names_like_sandy_or_james/
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Martin Scorcese dies and goes to heaven

He's met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.  He says "God has been waiting for you to die.  He is going to produce the greatest production in history and wants you to direct.  He's signed Shakespeare to write the screenplay.  Michelangelo is the art director.  Beethoven is writing the music."
St Peter continues, "You have your choice of any of the actors up here to play the roles"
Martin smiles and says, "That sounds amazing, I've always wanted to direct Kate Hepburn."
St Peter replies, "There might be a little problem with that"
"Why, is she in the other place?"
"No", says St Peter.
"Then what could be the problem?"
St Peter sighs, "Well, you see..., God’s got this girlfriend"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ceamr/martin_scorcese_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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My friend said I should do some edging on my front lawn

My neighbors thought it was disturbing but when I finally came it was beautiful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cea05/my_friend_said_i_should_do_some_edging_on_my/
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Why is menopause called menopause?

Because mad cow disease was taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ce9gf/why_is_menopause_called_menopause/
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up at night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ce6ui/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
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Why did the bee fly in a parabolic arch?

Just bee-cos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ce5s2/why_did_the_bee_fly_in_a_parabolic_arch/
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Stanley Cup

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"
The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head.
"No,” he says.
“They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ce5h1/stanley_cup/
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Occupational Reaction

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped scant inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look here, don’t ever do that again. You scared the fucking shit outta me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ce4s2/occupational_reaction/
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What do you say when there's no internet in Russia?

Internyet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ce2yh/what_do_you_say_when_theres_no_internet_in_russia/
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What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky you use the feather. Perverted you use the whole chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ce1rd/whats_the_difference_between_kinky_and_perverted/
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A kid throws his frisbee.

It lands on her neighbor's house. She goes up to the house, and says "If you get me the frisbee I'll give you 5 dollars" and the neighbor replies "Don't worry, it's on the house.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ce0mo/a_kid_throws_his_frisbee/
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I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs

It was wong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdsud/i_threw_an_asian_man_down_a_flight_of_stairs/
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Good thing that Michael J. Fox doesn't also suffer from Hayfever.

He's married to Tracy Pollan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdsmz/good_thing_that_michael_j_fox_doesnt_also_suffer/
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A mime is working at a zoo...

One day, the head zookeeper pulls him aside to chat. He says, "Bobo, our silverback gorilla, the star attraction here at the zoo, has died. We don't want to lose the revenue, so we want to hire you to dress up in a gorilla suit and pretend to be Bobo. We'll pay you double what you're making now."
The mime agrees and starts the next day. At first it's fine, and he enjoys being Bobo. But after a couple weeks of doing the same thing every day he's a bit bored. So he decides to give the audience a real show. He climbs to the very top of his enclosure and swings around, pounding his chest, and the crowd is loving it. Just then, he slips and topples over the fence into the next enclosure, which is the lion's pen.
The lion starts to go after him, and at first the mime keeps up the shtick, running away like a gorilla. But as the lion gets closer he gives up and just runs as fast as he can. Finally the lion leaps on him and pins him down. Now he gives up on the whole bit and starts yelling, "Help! Help! I'm a person in here!"
And the lion goes, "Dude, you're gonna get us fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdr58/a_mime_is_working_at_a_zoo/
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A terrorist tells the suicide bomber they shouldn't attack the Statue of Liberty, because she's "too easy" ...

The bomber shrugs and replies "Eh, I'd still bang"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdr0r/a_terrorist_tells_the_suicide_bomber_they/
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What do little green men exhale?

Kerbin Dioxide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdqi3/what_do_little_green_men_exhale/
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As a Fedex driver myself, I thought this was really funny. The punchline might not make sense to you guys though, because...

OP delivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdo5s/as_a_fedex_driver_myself_i_thought_this_was/
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God HAS to be BLACK....

Because he has a lot of kids and you never see him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdm9k/god_has_to_be_black/
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Weight loss program

This fat man was disappointed in his body. We was watching TV and saw this weight loss program and decided to join. There was 2 programs, average and advanced, and decided to start average.
The next day, the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was a beautiful lady. She was nude, and only had a pair of shoes on. She said "if you catch me, I'm yours" and ran off.
This went on for a month. He was impressed with the program, and decided to go move on to the advanced program.
The next day, the doorbell rang. He was expecting another beautiful lady, but was greeted by a man. This man was massive, was nude and has a raging boner. He said "if I catch you, you're mine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdm0p/weight_loss_program/
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What do you call a chicken-flavored lollipop?

A: Cocksucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdlx0/what_do_you_call_a_chickenflavored_lollipop/
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A psychic dwarf has escaped from prison.

Police say there is a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdl0p/a_psychic_dwarf_has_escaped_from_prison/
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"Knock, Knock!"

"Who's there?"
"Ima Pileup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdgfx/knock_knock/
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Ever heard of a cajew?

It's like a canoe, but guaranteed to never tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdgbt/ever_heard_of_a_cajew/
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A elderly man goes into confession

…and says to the priest,
"Father, my eyes are bad, so I've been taking the bus for years. Well yesterday morning, I missed the bus, so I had to walk home. Along the way, a blue convertible drove up with two college girls who offered me a ride."
"They must have been drunk or something, because on the way home, they started talking about sex. They giggled more and more as we drove trying to outdo each other by telling of their greatest sexual escapades. Well before I knew it, they had driven me to their apartment where all three of us had the most amazing sex! I don't know how they did it considering my age, but they kept me going all night! And this morning, they even coaxed a few more out of me. It was unbelieveable!"
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never"
"Never?" Replied the priest.
"No, Father… I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“Oh, I’m telling everybody!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdc0e/a_elderly_man_goes_into_confession/
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My girlfriend told me that she doesn't like that I'm keeping scores in our relationship.

She got a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdbi9/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_she_doesnt_like_that/
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A guy goes into a pub

So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.
The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?! The barman replies: aye only a pound.
The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky.
The guy says: ill have a steak and chips mate. The barman replies: three quid. The guy then asked: do you own this pub? The barman replies: no. The guy then asked: wheres the boss then? I want to ask why the prices are so low. The barman replies: he's upstairs with my wife. The guy then asked: why? Whats he doing with your wife? The barman replies: the same thing i'm doing to his business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cdawx/a_guy_goes_into_a_pub/
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Did you hear about the morgue operator who was stealing testicles?

Eight balls, coroners pocket.
(We were playing pool)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cd875/did_you_hear_about_the_morgue_operator_who_was/
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Hey boss, whats the difference between this morning and your daughter?

I am not coming in this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cd5ne/hey_boss_whats_the_difference_between_this/
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Why hasn't the wanacry hacker gotten caught yet?

He ransomware

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cd5lx/why_hasnt_the_wanacry_hacker_gotten_caught_yet/
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Racist jokes are like kids with cancer

They never get old!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cd4ek/racist_jokes_are_like_kids_with_cancer/
%
What do you call 8 hobbits?

A hobbyte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cd3g4/what_do_you_call_8_hobbits/
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What's wrong with the number 6.9?

There's a period ruining everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cd0t2/whats_wrong_with_the_number_69/
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(NSFW) Why is donor sperm more costly than donor blood?

Because it's handmade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccyxx/nsfw_why_is_donor_sperm_more_costly_than_donor/
%
Late one night a man is driving....

...down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccyx0/late_one_night_a_man_is_driving/
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What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?

One's full of cunning stunts, the other's full of stunning cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccxxw/whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a/
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An elderly man goes to the doctor for help with terrible gas.

He tells her that he is passing wind constantly and it can be a bit uncomfortable but luckily when he passes wind it doesn't smell or make any noise so he is free to let it go whenever he needs to. In fact, he says, I'm doing it now and you'd never know!
She gives him some medication and sends him off and tells him to come back in 2 weeks.
When he returns he seems upset. He says that the level of gas is more or less the same but it smells so bad that it's choking him.
She says well, that's your sinuses sorted now let's work on your hearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccx4f/an_elderly_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_help_with/
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A man walks into a pet store

He walks up to the shopkeeper and asks him for a suggestion for his daughters birthday.
"Sir come with me! I have some very friendly monkeys that your daughter would adore!"
The shopkeeper then takes him over to a cage full of monkeys. The father notices the price tag, $1000. He starts to ponder it a bit when he notices a cage beside it with one monkey in it, but a price tag of $5000
"Why is that monkey more expensive?"
"Oh sir, let me show you"
The shopkeeper opens the cage door, then gives the monkey some coloured pencils and a piece of paper. The monkey looks at the father, then in a flurry starts colouring the paper. After a few minutes it hands the father the piece of paper. On it is a crude but distinguishable portrait of the father.
"Remarkable!" He stands in amazement, but as he goes to put the paper down, he notices beside it another monkey in a cage with the price tag, $20000. "... if this one draws pictures, what does that monkey do?"
The shopkeeper opens the cage, and fetches a keyboard from out the back. The monkey then jumps up and starts playing Beethoven with perfect timing. The shopkeeper asks it to play Bach, Mozart and Chopin, and each time it does perfectly. The shopkeeper says he can play over a thousand songs from memory. The father stands in disbelief.
But then he notices another monkey in a cage, this time the price tag is $100000.
"Whoa!! What on earth does that monkey do for a hundred grand!"
The shopkeeper pauses. Sighs, then says
"Well, sir... I've never actually seen him do anything, but he tells me he's a politician"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccu6s/a_man_walks_into_a_pet_store/
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What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue Paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccs0t/whats_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
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My anime girlfriend is a shitty driver.

It's not because she's Asian or a woman, it's because she's not old enough to be driving yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccpud/my_anime_girlfriend_is_a_shitty_driver/
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Soviet Breadline

At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccpry/soviet_breadline/
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Went to the doctors with hearing problems..

He says can ya describe the symptoms,
I said yes Homers fat and Marge has blue hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccom4/went_to_the_doctors_with_hearing_problems/
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A woman speeding....

......drove over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side waiting. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccoho/a_woman_speeding/
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I've been looking for my ex's killer for years...

But no one would do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccm2w/ive_been_looking_for_my_exs_killer_for_years/
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When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties right off!!!

They've been giving me a wedgie all day. 😎

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cclxz/when_i_get_home_im_gonna_rip_my_wifes_panties/
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What did John Lennon's mother say to get him to eat his vegetables?

"Come on John, give peas a chance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccllv/what_did_john_lennons_mother_say_to_get_him_to/
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A Texas man asked his wife on their golden anniversary: Have you ever cheated on me in our 50 years together?

So a Texas man asked his wife on their golden anniversary: Have you ever cheated on me on our 50 years together?
His wife answers: Remember that time you wen to take a loan from the bank to buy our house, but they didn't give you one then suddenly the ban's CEO personally came and gave you the loan for 5 years with 0 interest?
The man replies: Oh yeah. Well without you, we won't be living in this beautiful house, thank you my dear. Any time else?
His wife replies: Well remember that time when you needed a heart surgery or else you would die but we didn't have any money and the hospital refused to do the surgery then the hospital's CEO personally came and told them to the surgery and accepted that we pay the bill for 5 years?
The husband replies: Ah, so that's what happened. Well thanks my love, without you I would be dead right now. Is there another time?
The wife says: Oh yeah, remember that time you were running for the city council, and you were 1500 votes short?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cclit/a_texas_man_asked_his_wife_on_their_golden/
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The Beach Boys walk into a bar...

"Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cckhw/the_beach_boys_walk_into_a_bar/
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Joe walks into a bar ...

One afternoon Joe walked into a bar he had never been in before.  The bartender asked him "What will it be?". Joe said "Long Island, please."  While Joe was waiting for his drink he spotted a giant glass jar full of money on display behind the bar.  When the bartender brought him his drink Joe asked "What's up with that big jar of money?".   The bartender explained ... "We have a game we play here.  It costs $50 to play.  First, you have to go down to the end of the bar where those bikers are drinking and knock one of them out.  Then you have to go to the other end of the bar and pick one of those old, worn out, prostitutes and bring her to full orgasm.  Then you have to go in the back and pull my pet aligators bad tooth.  If you can do all three challenges, you get the entire jar of money.  Do you want to try?".   Joe chuckled  and said "No, I'm good".   Joe ordered drink after drink and got quite drunk.  The whole time staring at that big jar of money.  Finally, after 8 or 9 drinks, Joe reached in his wallet, pulled out $50, slammed it on the bar and proclaimed "I'll do it!".  Joe went to the end of the bar where the bikers were and punched the biggest guy right in the face . The biker fell on the floor like a bag of wet cement.  Out cold.  Then Joe went into the back room where the aligator was ... and all anyone could hear was screaming and thrashing.  After about 10 minutes Joe came out, covered in blood, and said "Okay ... where's the hooker with the bad tooth?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccjve/joe_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two Irishman walk out a bar....

Hey!! It COULD happen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cciqz/two_irishman_walk_out_a_bar/
%
How Long is a Chinese name

Its not a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cchrj/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
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What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cchny/what_do_you_call_children_born_in_whorehouses/
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What's worse than waking up at a party with a dick drawn on your face?

finding out it was traced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccgsx/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_with_a_dick/
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A man works in a traveling zoo

the ship that they are on wrecks. Only he and a donkey survive and wash up on an island.
Day One: Man is hungry, finds food. Donkey eats grass.
Day Two: Man makes shelter, donkey chills. Man realizes he will have to go a long time without any human companionship...
Day Twenty: Man is horny, tries to fuck donkey. Donkey kicks him. Day Twenty-one: man approaches from another angle and again tries to penetrate donkey. Donkey bites and kicks man.
On day 22 man is relaxing on the beach, plotting his next cock-dipping donkey scheme when a beautiful young blond girl comes striding out from the waves. Man thanks the gods for her arrival, she is naked and looks absolutely amazing.
Man turns to her and says: 'Hey, can you come hold this donkey still for me?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccfvx/a_man_works_in_a_traveling_zoo/
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I heard this one from Grandma after a bottle of wine or three.

An older gentlemen with some money in his pocket was heading down an old country dirt road with peddlers and wares dealers every few miles.
He runs across a man with several of the biggest roosters he's ever seen, at a price even better. He has to have one, so he says "Sir! Sir! I must have one of those roosters!" The peddler replies, "I'm happy to sell you one, but in the business, we call them cocks." The man notes this, and continues on his way.
Another mile or two down, he spots another peddler, a female, this time with many young hens, again the most prolific the man has ever seen. "Ma'am! Ma'am!," he says. "I must have one of those hens!" She replies, "Absolutely sir, but in the business, we call them pullets." Again, the man makes a note of the accepted vernacular, and continues on his way.
A third peddler has set up shop a little further down, this time with the most muscled donkey he has ever seen. For the third time in as many stops, the man exclaims, "I must have it. Please, sell me this donkey!" The peddler replies, "I would be happy to, but we call them asses around here, not donkeys. Additionally, this one is a little tricky. He has a habit of sitting during traveling, and will only respond if you give him a little tickle." The man makes another mental note of the details, and continues on his way.
After another 45 minutes, the ass sits down in the middle of the road. Remembering the advice about tickling him, the man looks for a way to secure the rooster and hen while he does the job, but struggles to find a solution. He sees a young woman walking adjacent to his position, and calls to her.
"Ma'am! Ma'am! I'm so sorry to bother you, but I need your help terribly. We've been going on for a while and I think I might lose my mind. Can you please, PLEASE, hold my cock and pullet while I tickle my ass???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cccxt/i_heard_this_one_from_grandma_after_a_bottle_of/
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How can you see if a hippie has a girlfriend?

He has one clean finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cccra/how_can_you_see_if_a_hippie_has_a_girlfriend/
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?
Still no fucking eye deer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cccog/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
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Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cccgj/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first/
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Knock Knock

Whose there?
9/11
9/11 who?
I thought you said you would never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccbum/knock_knock/
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My girlfriends says I'm not opinionated enough.

I agree with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccakp/my_girlfriends_says_im_not_opinionated_enough/
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A sandwich walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ccaft/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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If 50 cent were a woman.. would her name be 35 cent?

Credit : twitter @the_anastasia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cc7kn/if_50_cent_were_a_woman_would_her_name_be_35_cent/
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Here's a way to stop being a procrastinator.

I'll tell you later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cc6jo/heres_a_way_to_stop_being_a_procrastinator/
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A traveling salesman is driving through the country

when his car breaks down near a farm house. The farmer says he can spend the night but only if he sleeps in the barn.
The next morning the farmer invites the salesman in for breakfast.
Salesman: You have some really amazing animals. The cow could talk. She told me what a good and kind farmer you are.
Farmer: Well that's very surprising, but it's a nice thing to hear.
Salesman: The horse too, why that horse said you always feed him the best oats and brushed him every day. He sure does like you.
Farmer: Well you're going to make me blush.
Salesman: but the real surprise was the sheep
Farmer: **THAT SHEEP IS A GOD DAMN LIAR**!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cc45u/a_traveling_salesman_is_driving_through_the/
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Patient: Doc, I've got a problem. Every morning at 8 sharp I poop.

Doctor: How is that a problem?
Patient: I wake up at 9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cc1zh/patient_doc_ive_got_a_problem_every_morning_at_8/
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I saw a woman driver cause an accident today.

She indicated that she was turning right and then actually fucking turned right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cc1cn/i_saw_a_woman_driver_cause_an_accident_today/
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The Canadian restaurant by my house has been closed for renovations.

They're just doing some poutine maintenance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cc0mk/the_canadian_restaurant_by_my_house_has_been/
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I met a genie...

I met a genie who offered me either a perfect memory, or a huge penis.
I can't remember which I picked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbza5/i_met_a_genie/
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Does anyone want to buy a used theremin?

I haven't touched mine in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbytf/does_anyone_want_to_buy_a_used_theremin/
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'Come fourth, John' Jesus said, 'and I will give you eternal life.'

John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbx9k/come_fourth_john_jesus_said_and_i_will_give_you/
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A wife asks her husband to sweep the house.

After 5 minutes she walks in on him playing video games, "I thought I asked you to sweep the house"
"It's clean", he replies, "I didn't find any hostiles"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbwpx/a_wife_asks_her_husband_to_sweep_the_house/
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What's the difference between a pound of cocaine and a baby?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a pound of coke fall out of a window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbwnx/whats_the_difference_between_a_pound_of_cocaine/
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Weed is like a Koran

You burn it until you get stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbw0s/weed_is_like_a_koran/
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My wife beat me up and stole my glasses

I'm beginning to see her in a totally different way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbv6s/my_wife_beat_me_up_and_stole_my_glasses/
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My Ex-Girlfriend

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish.
She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbv5n/my_exgirlfriend/
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The Uncomfortable Last Days of Three Friends

Three friends (James, Jacob, and Peter) traveling the seas find themselves in a storm that damages their ship. Through great difficulty and exhaustion, they make their way to a nearby island and end up falling asleep upon the shore.
They awake to a group of men from an aboriginal tribe staring at them, decorated in jewelry made of the bones. The men take James, Jacob, and Peter deeper into the island jungle and tie them up in their village.
After some time, the leader of the tribe approaches them and says, "We are cannibals and we plan on eating you, but, because you are from a foreign land, we have a special ritual which will determine your fate. You must go search the jungle for fruit, and if you are able to bring 10 pieces of one kind of fruit back to us, then we will set you free."
So, the three friends go their separate ways to search for fruit. After some time, James returns to the tribe with 10 tangerines in the basket that they lent to him.
The leader approaches him and says, "Before we set you free, you must pass a second test. If you are able to stick all 10 of your fruit through your anus *without* laughing or screaming, you will be set free."
So, James fearfully begins his task. One... two... three up... on the fourth tangerine, he yells aloud and they kill him and eat him.
Later, Jacob returns with 10 blueberries in his basket. They explain to him his task and he begins, one by one, to stick the blueberries up his butt. On the eighth blueberry, he breaks into laughter, so they kill him and eat him.
In the heaven, James and Jacob are talking with each other about their final days on earth:
James: "What a terrible way to die, huh? I had tangerines and it was way too difficult. By the way what fruit did you find?"
Jacob: "Blueberries. Ten blueberries."
James: "What!? Ten blueberries, how did you even fail that...?"
Jacob: "Well I was sticking them up my butt, one by one, and it tickled a little bit, but it wasn't so hard. At the eighth one, I was pretty confident that I'd finish well and be free. But, I looked up for a moment and saw Peter running to the village, carrying in his basket 10 pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbuv5/the_uncomfortable_last_days_of_three_friends/
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A man had three balls

A man had three testicles. Everyday he thought about going to the doctor, but was worried about his condition reaching the news.
Later, he finally made up his mind and went to the doctor, but planned to tell him indirectly. When he went there, he told the doctor:
"My amount of balls plus yours equals five"
The doctor was horrified and said:
"You only have one testicle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbsh0/a_man_had_three_balls/
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Hello and welcome to Pessimism club.

Don't expect much, and you'll still be greatly disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbrvb/hello_and_welcome_to_pessimism_club/
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The other day I went to a religious book store...

where I saw a "Honk if You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked. I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord, because pretty soon he leaned out the window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!!". Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that was the Hawaiian Good Luck sign. So I leaned out the window and gave the good luck sign back.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbqb0/the_other_day_i_went_to_a_religious_book_store/
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How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Steven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbphc/how_many_dyslexics_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A story of premature ejaculation

Coming soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbhtz/a_story_of_premature_ejaculation/
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I used to be addicted to masturbating. Now I'm addicted to sex...

It got out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbf01/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_masturbating_now_im/
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Are you kidding?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbevx/are_you_kidding/
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What do you call an arab in a plane?

A passenger, you fucking racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbd4f/what_do_you_call_an_arab_in_a_plane/
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Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the shit out of their dogs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbcsw/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
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What's the most popular time to schedule a dentist appointment?

Tooth hurty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbcfh/whats_the_most_popular_time_to_schedule_a_dentist/
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The dead milk cow

One morning, a man wakes up on his farm. He doesn't have much money, but he has one milk cow that gives a lot of good milk. Well, this morning, the milk cow was dead. He didn't know what to do, so he hanged himself in the barn.
His wife waked up later, and saw the milk cow dead and his husband dead. She went and drowned herself in the river.
Their oldest son, of 24 years old woke up, and saw the milk cow dead, and both his parents dead. He went to the river, and saw a lady leprechaun. She says, "Ay, having a rough day, are ya?" The boy says yes, and the leprechaun makes him a deal. "Make love to me ten times in a row, and I'll bring everyone back to life." He attempts, but only makes 8. The leprechaun kills him.
Now the younger son of 17 years wakes up, sees everyone dead. The leprechaun makes the same deal, and he says "If I make love to you 15 times, what will you do?" The leprechaun says "I'll bring everyone back to life and give you a mansion to live in, instead of your dingy little farm.
And the boy says, "And what if I make love to you twenty times in a row?" And the leprechaun replies, "I'll bring everyone back to life, give you a mansion, and give you a pot of gold big enough that you will never have to work again."
The boy asks "And what will stop you from dying after I make love to you twenty times? I mean, the milk cow did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbc4p/the_dead_milk_cow/
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So a horse is watching MTV...

So this horse is watching MTV. This is in the 90s where MTV actually had music on it. Anyway, the horse sees a segment on Jimi Hendrix, and decides there and then he wants to become an internationally-acclaimed guitar player (because, as we all know, all horses are left-handed).
So this horse works at this shitty job for a couple of months, earning enough money to buy himself a low-end Strat. He starts playing Hendrix songs in his spare time, trying to recreate the sound he fell in love with. Eventually, he records a few covers and gets on YouTube with them.
Now, this horse thinks he's doing pretty well, and decides to start a band with the other guys from the nearby farm. So he goes up to his friend, that just happens to be a chicken, and tries to get him to be the bass player, as the chicken was a sweet-ass bass player in college. Chicken agrees and decides to bust out his old bass from the attic; they learn the rest of Hendrix's first album.
Now the horse and chicken think they can go pretty far, and decide to ask their friend, that happens to be a cow, if she can play the drums for the band. She agrees, and they all decide to pool their money together to get this awesome fucking set of drums for Cow. So Cow learns the drum parts for all the Hendrix songs, and they reckon they can go really fucking far with this.
But guess the fuck what? They need a fucking singer to complete the set. So Cow goes up to her friend, who knows can sing like a fucking legend, and asks him to join the band. For the purposes of the joke, the singer is a pig. So Pig learns all the parts for Hendrix's first album and they eventually decide to branch off and make a load of different songs.
This horse, as the band frontman, gets the band to go global - they start performing at gigs across Europe, Asia and the Americas, with the help of the farmer himself (who was slightly bemused at his animals talking, let alone being a fucking band), and eventually get noticed by none other than Jay Leno himself. Leno invites them to California to perform at his show, which coincided with the kick-off for their cross-US tour.
So the horse, as the frontman, flies over to California first to set up and make sure the gig runs smoothly. Everything's good, and the rest of the band, a week later, board a plane to California as well.
However, the plane ditches into the ocean, sadly killing all the passengers, including the band and the farmer as manager. A couple of days later, Horse hears about this and becomes distraught at the deaths he basically caused.
Horse hits a full-on depression, and decides to kill himself so as to be reunited with his friends. He roams the seedy back-alleys of California, trying to find the shittiest club so as to drown his troubles away. Eventually, he finds one, takes 15 Ketamine pills and walks in. He orders the most alcoholic thing the club can offer, and sits in a corner of the bar, waiting for Death.
The owner of the club sees this obviously distraught horse, and walks over to him to try and help.
"Hey," he says, "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cbbkx/so_a_horse_is_watching_mtv/
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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cb89h/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
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How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two; one to change the lightbulb and one to write a song about how good the old one was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cb7ew/how_many_country_singers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I have so many Chemistry jokes to tell

I'm just afraid they won't get a good reaction...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cb7d3/i_have_so_many_chemistry_jokes_to_tell/
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Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method

The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cb6ta/only_1_of_population_uses_the_labels_on_clothes/
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Three doctors go on a duck hunt

One is family practice, the other is a radiologist, and the third is a surgeon. They see some birds way off in the distance.
The family practice doctor says, "They may be birds. They may be airplanes. We can't be sure, let's wait a bit and see if they look a little clearer later."
The radiologist says, "we can see in their shadows that they have two wings and two legs. Maybe it's ducks. Could be geese, or maybe quails."
The surgeon shoulders his rifle and shoots one out of the sky. He says, "I don't know what it is, but we got it. Now let's call the pathologist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cb31k/three_doctors_go_on_a_duck_hunt/
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Officer: "....How high are you?"

Stoner: "No officer....it's hi how are you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cb2kq/officer_how_high_are_you/
%
So I'm selling my hoover

It's just sitting around collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cazsp/so_im_selling_my_hoover/
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Man in Restaurant Sees Extremely Attractive Woman Sitting Alone...

so he decides to send her a nice bottle of wine. The waiter brings it and the lady looks at the bottle for a moment and sends a message back to the man.
It reads: 'For me to accept this bottle of wine you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a few million dollars in your bank, and seven inches in your pants.'
He reads the message, laughs, and sends back one of his own: 'Just send it back. I have a Ferrari, Mercedes, and a Corvette. I have twenty million in the bank and a house in Aspen, LA, and Miami.
But I will NEVER cut three inches off for any woman.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6car7j/man_in_restaurant_sees_extremely_attractive_woman/
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An elderly man had serious hearing problems ....

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6caqcx/an_elderly_man_had_serious_hearing_problems/
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Roses are red Nuts are brown Skirts go up....

Roses are red,
Nuts are brown,
Skirts go up,
Pants go down,
Body to body Skin to skin,
When its stiff,
Stick it in,
The Longer its in,
The Stronger it gets,
It goes in dry And comes out wet,
It comes out dripping And starts to sag,
Its not what you think......
Its a Teabag. XD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6capzj/roses_are_red_nuts_are_brown_skirts_go_up/
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Losing my virginity was like my first football game.

It hurt a lot but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6capse/losing_my_virginity_was_like_my_first_football/
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I was asked to submit a 1,000 word essay..

So I just submitted a picture instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cap33/i_was_asked_to_submit_a_1000_word_essay/
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My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cao8n/my_girlfriend_yelled_at_me_today_saying_you/
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A doctor at work

A doctor's at work and has to sign some papers. He reaches into his breast pocket to get a pen and, to his surprise, pulls out a rectal thermometer instead. "Some asshole's got my pen!", he exclaims.
*Edited on the suggestion of /u/cunt-hooks*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6canbf/a_doctor_at_work/
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Why do old hippies drink Honest Tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cam8a/why_do_old_hippies_drink_honest_tea/
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The Orange Thief

A little boy stole a big sack of oranges from a grove. As he meets his friend who was acting as a lookout, they quickly run away. Soon, they decide to eat the oranges. One of the boys suggests the local cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest.
"Father, please come with me . Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery"
They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: "What about the two at the gate?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cakdh/the_orange_thief/
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A young inexperience couple on their wedding night NSFW

They have never been intimate and they begin to undress and see each other naked for the first time.  The husband takes off his socks and his toes are contorted and bizarre looking. "Whoa!" she says, "what's up with your toes???"
&nbsp;
"I had a childhood disease that left them like this," he replies, "Tolio"
&nbsp;
"Don't you mean Polio?"
&nbsp;
"Polio? no, Tolio, hence my toes"
&nbsp;
"Oh, ok" she relents, and they continue to undress.  When he takes off his pants, his knees are contorted and bizarre as well.  "Whoa!" she exclaims, "what's up with your knees?"
&nbsp;
"I had a childhood disease that left them like this," he replies, "The Kneesels."
&nbsp;
"Don't you mean the Measels?" she asks.
&nbsp;
"No," he says, "The Kneesels, hence my knees."
&nbsp;
"Oh, ok" she relents.  He begins to take down his underwear and his wife says, "Wait wait wait....don't tell me....it was Small Cox!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cajai/a_young_inexperience_couple_on_their_wedding/
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A few months after his parents were divorced little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom...

... and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cai8g/a_few_months_after_his_parents_were_divorced/
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What's the difference between my PC and Paul Walker?

I actually give a shit when my PC crashes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cahy6/whats_the_difference_between_my_pc_and_paul_walker/
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A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cahso/a_lone_sniper_was_just_about_to_assassinate/
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A curious child asked his mother...

“Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cahr9/a_curious_child_asked_his_mother/
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A Big Muscular Guy Walks Into Walmart

A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter at Walmart and asks, "W-w-w-where's the e-l-l-l-lectronic's dep-p-p-partment?"
The assistant behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the e-l-l-l-lectronic's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the assistant doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the e-l-l-l-lectronic's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the assistant just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the assistant, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The assistant answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cahee/a_big_muscular_guy_walks_into_walmart/
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Complaining wife

A wife complained to her husband:
"The kitchen faucet has been leaking for a week now and you still haven't fixed it!"
"Do I look like a fucking plumber?", the man answered.
The next day the woman complained again:
"Some tiles fell down in the bathroom, aren't you going to fix them?"
"Do I look like a fucking tiler?", the man aswered.
The next day the man came home from work and noticed that the kitchen faucet wasn't leaking and the tiles in the bathroom were fixed back in place. He asked his wife and she told him that John from next door came and took care of everything.
"Well, what did he want in return?", the man asked.
"He wanted either pie or pussy", the wife answered.
"What kind of pie did you bake him?"
"Do I look like a fucking baker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6cagu7/complaining_wife/
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How come Ray Charles can't see his friends?

...because he's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6caga9/how_come_ray_charles_cant_see_his_friends/
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Why did the robot see a psychiatrist?

Because he had metal health problems...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ca94x/why_did_the_robot_see_a_psychiatrist/
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What do you call a magic dog?

A "Labracadabrador"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ca8l2/what_do_you_call_a_magic_dog/
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The Redneck Joke

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater!"
Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"
Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"
"No."
"Then you're fucking gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ca8j6/the_redneck_joke/
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Knock knock...

"Who's there?"
"Broken pencil"
"Broken pencil, who?"
"Never mind, it's pointless"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ca5pb/knock_knock/
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I saw a kidnapping today..

So I didn't disturb him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ca1jt/i_saw_a_kidnapping_today/
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My boss told me to have a good day

so I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ca180/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
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My buddy said, "What rhymes with orange?"

I pondered for a while and thought..."No, it doesn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c9zxr/my_buddy_said_what_rhymes_with_orange/
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I want to become a woman

...but I don't think I'd be able to pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c9zkb/i_want_to_become_a_woman/
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How do you find a blind guy at a nude beach?

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c9w0j/how_do_you_find_a_blind_guy_at_a_nude_beach/
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I treat my family like dogs.

With financial support and unconditional love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c9ugl/i_treat_my_family_like_dogs/
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A BEAR WALKS INTO A BAR...

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c9t60/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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The best part about getting a political science degree is you will always be able to find a job!

At McDonalds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c9nxr/the_best_part_about_getting_a_political_science/
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You can't spell "Advertisements" without...

Putting the semen between the tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c9lom/you_cant_spell_advertisements_without/
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A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.

He was delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c9jcr/a_man_came_home_to_discover_that_someone_had/
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Why didn't the pc gamer cross the street ?

Because he's morbidly obese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c9dpc/why_didnt_the_pc_gamer_cross_the_street/
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I got pulled over by a policeman...

He came to the window and said papers...
I said 'scissors, I win!' and drove off,
He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c98vb/i_got_pulled_over_by_a_policeman/
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I interviewed a homeless man, asked him where he saw himself in 5 years.

I gave him points for thinking outside the box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c98mh/i_interviewed_a_homeless_man_asked_him_where_he/
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Spreading girls's legs is alot like spreading butter

You can do it with a credit card, but it's much easier with a knife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c983m/spreading_girlss_legs_is_alot_like_spreading/
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What's Orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot ( and Donald Trump.) Credit to: @brandonwho_au

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c944d/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c93d6/why_did_the_girl_fall_off_the_swing/
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How come Melania always rides on top?

Because Trump can only fuck up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c92u2/how_come_melania_always_rides_on_top/
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Do you have any idea how heavy a chili pepper is?

Why don't you go ahead and give it a weigh, give it a weigh,  give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c927l/do_you_have_any_idea_how_heavy_a_chili_pepper_is/
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You know, I really like cocaine jokes.

They always crack me up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c8z8i/you_know_i_really_like_cocaine_jokes/
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Why do impatient people hate the gym?

Because there's too many waits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c8y4g/why_do_impatient_people_hate_the_gym/
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The dumb geologist had a gold ore in his backyard

Poor man took it for granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c8wec/the_dumb_geologist_had_a_gold_ore_in_his_backyard/
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In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth...

and Trump can not tell the difference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c8u7n/in_us_presidential_history_washington_could_not/
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How does a Feminist end her prayers? [OC]

Awomen.
I guess someone had the idea before, but my wife and I came up with it on our own. And she (a non-redditor) asked me to put it up here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c8s3z/how_does_a_feminist_end_her_prayers_oc/
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I can't believe I got terminated from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c8rsc/i_cant_believe_i_got_terminated_from_the_calendar/
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What is the difference between a penis and the bible?

A: Nothing, they both get shoved down your throat by a catholic priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c8rb8/what_is_the_difference_between_a_penis_and_the/
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The 5 Nuns.

5 nuns all died in a plane crash and went to heaven. They appeared at the pearly gates, and was greeted by St. Peter.
"Alright ladies". said St. Peter.
"Before you can enter the gates of heaven, you must place whatever part of your body, that's ever touched a penis, in this bowl of holy water at the cleansing table. It will cleanse you of any sexual act you've ever done, you will be forgiven, and you will be allowed into heaven.
The first nun walked up and put her finger in the bowl. With one eyebrow raised, St Peter says,."Umm, Okay, you may now enter."
The second nun walked up to the bowl and stuck her whole hand in it. St. Peter, with a concerned  look on his face, says "Okay, you may.....now enter.'
The third nun walked up, and sticks both hands in.
Frustrated, St Peter said, "Alright, you can enter.'
As the forth nun proceeded to the cleansing table, St. Peter noticed  the fifth nun jumping up and down, yelling and screaming at the nun ahead of her.
'Whoa whoa whoa, calm down back there,
What seems to be the problem?" St. Peter asked.
"Well," said the fifth nun, " I want to wash my mouth out first, before this bitch in front of me sticks her fat ass in it.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c8q7q/the_5_nuns/
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My wife asked me how she looked

I told her that she was a 10/10 and she hugged me, i had to inform her that 10/10 is still equal to 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c8lwo/my_wife_asked_me_how_she_looked/
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I used to have a virtual girlfriend...

But she ransomware.
Now I WannaCry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c8km0/i_used_to_have_a_virtual_girlfriend/
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What do Popeye and sardines have in common?

They both come in olive oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c8gng/what_do_popeye_and_sardines_have_in_common/
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A man sitting at a bar pulls a frog out of his pocket.

A man at a bar pulls a frog out of his jacket pocket and sits him on the bar. Then he pulls a tiny piano out of his pocket. The frog begins playing the piano magnificently.
Another bloke at the bar is amazed. "That's incredible! I'll pay you whatever you want to buy this frog from you."
"This frog is not for sale." says the man. "But I have something else you might like."
The man then reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a squirrel.
The frog continues to play the piano and the squirrel starts singing. Again, the other bloke is impressed.
"Wow! How much for the singing squirrel, my friend?"
"I'll give him to you for $200."
"That's a deal!"
The bloke pays the man his $200, takes the squirrel and leaves the bar.
The bartender looks at the man shocked. "How could you sell that singing squirrel for such a low price!"
The man looks at him and says, "Easy. The frog is a ventriloquist too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c8gdb/a_man_sitting_at_a_bar_pulls_a_frog_out_of_his/
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An American, Brit, and Irish dude get stranded on a desert island

Soon after they arrive, they are captured by cannibals. The 3 men are given the right to kill themselves in any way they wish in order to make a covering for the cannibals' canoe.
The American walks up to the box containing the weapons, grabs a pistol, and with a tear in his eye, shoots himself in the head.
The British dude finds a small tin filled with poison. He says, "God save the Queen." And drinks all of it.
Suddenly, the Irishman runs up, grabs a fork, and starts stabbing himself while yelling "Screw your damn canoe!"
Disclaimer: joke is not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c88ht/an_american_brit_and_irish_dude_get_stranded_on_a/
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Life is like sex

Religious people don't want you to enjoy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c888k/life_is_like_sex/
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What is a Mexican's favorite video game?

Borderlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c82ji/what_is_a_mexicans_favorite_video_game/
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How does a one celled organizim say goodbye to it's friends?

"adios amebas!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c80la/how_does_a_one_celled_organizim_say_goodbye_to/
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If Caitlyn Jenner was a superhero, what team would she fight for ?

Ex-men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c7tmw/if_caitlyn_jenner_was_a_superhero_what_team_would/
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A man walks into a bar and says "Joke Joke Joke Joke"

The bartender say, "this has already been posted on reddit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c7tkh/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_joke_joke_joke/
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Daughter

A middle aged man takes his 14 year old daughter to the doctor.
"And what do we need today young lady?" The doctor asks.
The father answers for her "She needs to start birth control".
The doctor gasps "She's sexually active at 14!?"
The father replies "Nope, she just lays there, just like her mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c7qf1/daughter/
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Australians don't have sex

Australians mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c7p8d/australians_dont_have_sex/
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What kind of train eats too much?

A chew chew train
**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH**
**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**
omg please PM me
I'm so lonely
I need friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c7ltk/what_kind_of_train_eats_too_much/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

"If we stick together, we can stop this shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c7h15/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other_butt/
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Coffee and A blowjob

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.
He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, ‘What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.’
All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says ‘Don’t forget the coffee!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c7gtj/coffee_and_a_blowjob/
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Two hobos were walking down a farm road

... when one of them spotted two pies cooling on an open window sill.
The first hobo says to the second, “I’m gonna go ask to see if we can get one of those pies. You wait here, okay?” The second hobo nods and waits out of sight, salivating at the thought of eating some pie.
The first hobo knocks on the door, which is soon answered by an ugly old woman. “Ma’am, I spotted those pies on the window sill and was wondering if I could get one of them from you? I’ll work for it, if need be.” The old woman responded with “Follow me into the kitchen.”
Once they were both in the kitchen, the old woman said “I haven’t had a man in many years, since my husband passed away. I’ll give you both of those pies if you’ll have sex with me right here, right now.” The hobo thought about it while looking around. He spotted some ears of corn on the counter near the window and had an idea.
“Well, if you’ll just turn around and bend over across the kitchen table, I’ll take care of you,” said the hobo. The old woman, excited as she was, complied instantly by pulling off her clothes and doing exactly as the hobo said.
The hobo reached behind his back, grabbed an ear of corn, shoved it in and serviced the old woman with it for at least 5 minutes. When he saw that the kernels were all soft and wet, he tossed it out the window. The old woman screamed “More, more!”
The hobo grabbed another ear and another for the next 30 minutes. When the old woman indicated she was satisfied, she turned around and said “Okay, I promised the pies to you. Go ahead and take them. Thank you for the pleasure of your company.”
The hobo grabbed the pies and headed out the door and found his friend near the window sill. “Hey,” he said, “here are the pies. Let’s go eat.” The other hobo looked at him and said
“No thanks, I’m full. I just ate a whole bunch of hot buttered corn.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c7ger/two_hobos_were_walking_down_a_farm_road/
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Why did the guy not want to have sex with the flirty stewardess on a plane?

He doesn't give a flying fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c7gd5/why_did_the_guy_not_want_to_have_sex_with_the/
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How many optometrist does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1... or 2?? Or 1? Or 2?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c7f43/how_many_optometrist_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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"Uniformed police eat free you say?"

"No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c7e2a/uniformed_police_eat_free_you_say/
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How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold it in place and another to drink until the room spins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c7b5p/how_many_irishmen_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Trust Issues

A rich polish man leaves his homeland to start over in America and find love.
After a year in the states and building a successful business, he meets a woman who he falls in love with and they get married.
After 2 months of being married and living together the polish man goes to see a divorce attorney.
He tells the attorney he needs to file for divorce out of fear that his wife is trying to steal his money.
The attorney says "Okay, why do you think she is trying to steal your money?"
"She's trying to kill me!"
"Sir, that's a serious accusation! Do you have any proof of this?"
"Well when I was in the bathroom, I opened her drawer and I saw a bottle that said 'Polish Remover'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c79fx/trust_issues/
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Picking herbs is an awful job...

... It's very thyme consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c78wt/picking_herbs_is_an_awful_job/
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Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c78ou/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_clickbait/
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What do you call a snake that is 3.14ft long?

A Pi-thon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c789k/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_is_314ft_long/
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PLATEAUS

They're the highest form of flattery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c765w/plateaus/
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What do Trump and JFK have in common?

No brain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c75m8/what_do_trump_and_jfk_have_in_common/
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A man walks into a patent office

and sits down with an office worker and says he wants to patent an apple. The worker says "Sir, you can't patent an apple". The man says "Take a bite". The office worker takes a bite and surprised yells out "Wow! this tastes like bananas!" The man says "Yeah I know, turn it over". The worker turns over the apple and and takes another bite and surprised again says "Wow! this tastes like oranges!" The man smiles and says "Yes, that is why I want to patent this".
The worker leans in and jokingly whispers "Hey if you were to make one that tastes like pussy, you'd be a billionaire". The man smiles and reaches into his pocket and pulls out another apple and says "Take a bite." The worker can hardly believe it and grabs the apple and takes a bite.....hardly a second has past and he spits out the apple and yells "Yuck! that tastes like ass!!", and the man says "Yeah I know, turn it over".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c75cu/a_man_walks_into_a_patent_office/
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My first relationship was like Forrest Gump ..

I was retarded and she was a whore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c7546/my_first_relationship_was_like_forrest_gump/
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What does a nut say when it sneezes?

Cashew!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c74nz/what_does_a_nut_say_when_it_sneezes/
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A rich single man is having a drink by himself in a bar

when a gorgeous woman enters. Everyone is staring at her. The guy thinks to himself, "there's no way in hell I have a chance with her." But, lo and behold, she sits down next to him and has a drink. The two get to talking, and the man learns that she is a hooker. A few drinks in, the man says, "I'm wealthy and single, how much would it be for a hand-job?"
The woman replies, "Do you see the rings on my fingers?" Holding up her hand, the man sees a beautiful diamond ring on each finger. "Honey, I'm the best in the business. I've gotten each ring from all the money I've gotten from giving handjobs. It will cost ya $1,000."
The man replies, "That's outrageous... but I'm wealthy and single, so what the hell."
The man agrees, so the two go to the alley behind the bar and take care of business. They man returns, and agrees that it was the best he ever had. A couple drinks later, the man asks how much a blowjob costs. The woman replies, "Do you see those corvettes outside?"
The man looks out the window to see one in each color. "Honey, I'm the best in the business. I've gotten those corvettes with all the money I've made from giving blowjobs. It'll cost you $5,000."
"Holy shit! Well... I'm wealthy and single, so sure." So the two go back outside and take care of business. Reentering, the man says, "Wow, you were right. That was the best I ever had." A few more drinks later, the man exclaims, "Fuck it, I want some pussy. How much would it be?"
The woman replies, "Honey, look outside the window and across the street and tell me what building you see."
The man answers, "Why, that's the empire state building!"
The woman says, "Honey, If I had a pussy, I would own that building."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c74c8/a_rich_single_man_is_having_a_drink_by_himself_in/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a sign up behind the liquor display that says-

"Cheeseburger - $2
Chicken Sandwich - $3
Hand job - $10"
The man immediately looks around, and sees a smoking hot blonde bartender serving some drinks to a group of guys across the way. As she returns behind the bar the man leans over and quietly asks " Um excuse me, are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes, yes I am" she said
The man quickly points to the kitchen and says "Go wash your hands I want a cheeseburger"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c73s2/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign_up_behind/
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How did the WannaCry hackers get away?

They ransomware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c73gb/how_did_the_wannacry_hackers_get_away/
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Ok, you got me.

A drug raid is going on at a house in the suburbs. The cops kick in the door and spread out through the house. A DEA agent breaks open a bathroom door to find a man holding what appears to be a bag of coke over a toilet.
"Freeze, motherfucker!" The cop shouts.
"Ok, ok, you got me." The dealer says, "But you need to listen to me for a second. There's some really strange shit going on here."
"What're you talking about?" The cop asks.
"Man, I've been knowing you guys were coming for the last ten minutes." The dealer answers, "My buddy up the street tipped me off. I've been standing here that whole time trying to flush this baggie, but every time I do, a green scaly hand comes up from the toilet and tosses it back out."
The cop looks at the guy like he's crazy. "Just how high are you, boy?"
"Dude, I'm totally serious. You've got me dead to rights, so why would I lie at this point?" The dealer says.
The cop ponders this for a moment, then says, "Ok. Toss it in. Let's see what happens."
The dealer tosses the bag of dope into the toilet, and flushes it. They wait for a few minutes and nothing happens.
"Alright, wise-ass, where is it?" The cop asks.
The dealer shrugs. "Where's what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c6zdl/ok_you_got_me/
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A Long Island duck

A lady is shopping at a local butcher shop. When her number is called, she tells the butcher "Give me a Long Island Duck"
So the butcher goes into the cooler and comes out w/ a duck, he plops it on the scale and the lady says "Let me see that duck"
So the butcher hands it to her over the counter.
The lady takes her index and middle fingers and sticks them up the duck's butt, then pulls her fingers out, puts her fingers to her nose and smells them. She gets a look of disgust on her face, looks at the butcher and says "This is a Boston Teal. I want a Long Island Duck. Take this back and get me a Long Island Duck."
So the butcher returns the duck to the cooler and comes back w/ another duck. The butcher puts it on the scale, then the lady says "Let me see that duck".
The lady once again sticks her fingers up the duck's butt and then smells her fingers.
"This is a Canadian Mallard. Take it back. What's wrong with you, I said I want a Long Island Duck... go get me a Long Island Duck before I call the manager".
So the butcher takes it back to the cooler and comes out with another. This time he hands the duck to the lady instead of putting it on the scale.
Again the lady sticks her fingers up the duck's butt and then smells her fingers. "Ahhh, now this is a Long Island Duck".
Then the lady looks at the butcher and says "You must be new here."
The butcher says "Yes ma'am, I started Tuesday. "
The lady asks the butcher "Well, where are you from?"
The butcher turns around, drops his pants, bends over, looks at the lady and says "Why don't you tell me lady! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c6yvp/a_long_island_duck/
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Chuck Norris doesn't flush his toilet

He just scares the shit out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c6wcj/chuck_norris_doesnt_flush_his_toilet/
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A girl confesses at a Church...

Girl : "Forgive me father, I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?"
(as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c6vx8/a_girl_confesses_at_a_church/
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Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c6stz/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
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Trump calls Comey "a crazy, nut job"

Reports Pot-Kettle magazine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c6qjk/trump_calls_comey_a_crazy_nut_job/
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How I Met Your Mother...

... is the longest and most popular Ted talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c6ogh/how_i_met_your_mother/
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There are two types of people in this world

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c6nch/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Persians are funny...

...Their jokes are always so Iran-ic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c6l43/persians_are_funny/
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Immature

My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c6l06/immature/
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Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven…

St. Peter: It is probably a bit disorienting, but there are a lot of people here you will want to meet.
Chris:      Like who?
St. Peter: Well, right over there are Janis, Jimi, Kurt, Prince, and David Bowie for starters.
Chris:      Oh no, is that Bono over there with them? I didn’t know that Bono was dead.
St. Peter: No, no, that’s not Bono, that’s god, he just thinks he’s Bono.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c6gjf/chris_cornell_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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I would make a pun about quantum entanglement...

but it would be both funny and unfunny, simultaneously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c6f52/i_would_make_a_pun_about_quantum_entanglement/
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I hate my job...

My job is so fucking unbelievable.
I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c6ezq/i_hate_my_job/
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A Trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Delta?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man,
"not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c6aay/a_trip_to_rome/
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What is sex position "68"?

You blow me and I owe you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c69a7/what_is_sex_position_68/
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Why did the tree go to the Ecuadorian embassy?

He wanted to find a xylem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c64dv/why_did_the_tree_go_to_the_ecuadorian_embassy/
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5yjb/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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I dumped my girlfriend who had a lazy eye

I thought she was seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5tec/i_dumped_my_girlfriend_who_had_a_lazy_eye/
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What's the difference between a rolling Stone and a Scottish man

'hey you, get off my cloud!'...
Hey mcloud..  Get off my ewe!!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5rhy/whats_the_difference_between_a_rolling_stone_and/
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If abortion is murder

Is jerking off genocide?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5q9n/if_abortion_is_murder/
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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5nqu/i_tried_to_share_a_bag_of_chips_with_a_homeless/
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Trump and Obama having a private conversation in 2012

Trump: Mr. Obama, out of sheer curiosity, what must I need to do in order to be elected President of the United States?
Obama: President?? You have to be stupid, ignorant, probably delusional to think you can be qualified to be the President of the United States!
Trump: Perfect, I will see you on your way out then.
Obama: What???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5np7/trump_and_obama_having_a_private_conversation_in/
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An optimist sees the light in the tunnel

.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5md5/an_optimist_sees_the_light_in_the_tunnel/
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An Italian, Polish and Irish man were eating lunch at work one day

The Italian opens up his lunch bag and says, "pasta? Again? If I get pasta one more time I'ma gonna killa myself".
The polish guy opens up his lunch box and sees he got a sausage  for lunch. He proceeds to make a similar promise, "if I get one more sausage for lunch I'm gonna jump off this buildin".
The Irish guy, opens his lunch and he gets potatoes. "If I get potatoes one more time im gonna hang myself"
Next day, Italian guy opens up his lunch, sees he got pasta, and kills himself. Polish guy opens up his lunch, sees that he got a sausage, jumps off the building.
The Irish guy opens up his lunch, sees that he got potatoes and proceeds to hang himself.
The next day at the funeral, the Irish guy's wife is crying while the polish and Italian widows try to console her. The Irish wife says "I just don't understand, he made the lunch himself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5mct/an_italian_polish_and_irish_man_were_eating_lunch/
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Military puns are funny.

Generally speaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5ipb/military_puns_are_funny/
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A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5i7m/a_man_walks_into_a_pharmacy_buys_a_condom_then/
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A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."
The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"
The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5g2k/a_beautiful_blonde_woman_approaches_a_pharmacist/
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Mom Cleaning Son's Room and Finds a BDSM Magazine...

This mad her very upset. She put it back under his bed until his father got home and showed him.
He gave it a look and handed it right back to her without a word, so she asked him, 'What should we do about this?'
Dad paused and said, 'Well I don't think you should spank him.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5fba/mom_cleaning_sons_room_and_finds_a_bdsm_magazine/
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I went to the super market today

And I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5etd/i_went_to_the_super_market_today/
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A woman goes to the pharmacy to buy Viagra...

Woman: Can I buy Viagra here?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Woman: Could you give it to me over the counter?
Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, I can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5dya/a_woman_goes_to_the_pharmacy_to_buy_viagra/
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Which is heavier, 200 lbs of feathers, or 200 lbs of bricks?

The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5bq9/which_is_heavier_200_lbs_of_feathers_or_200_lbs/
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I can't believe the term "Overwatch" was searched more than "anal" last year on PornHub...

What is this world cumming to?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5a6f/i_cant_believe_the_term_overwatch_was_searched/
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Funny Jokes!!!

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c5a07/funny_jokes/
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I gave my kids the childhood I never had.

I had a great childhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c59uo/i_gave_my_kids_the_childhood_i_never_had/
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Planes have an absolutely perfect record.

We've never left one up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c58xj/planes_have_an_absolutely_perfect_record/
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Look mom, I'm black!

A little boy sees his mom making a chocolate cake. While she's not looking, he paints his face black with the frosting. Happily, he says "Look Mom! I'm black!" The mom immediately whips his ass and says "Go show your father what you did!". The little boy walks to the living room and says "hey...look dad...I'm...I'm black." The father flips out and whips his ass even more. "Go show your grandfather what you did!" The little boy slowly makes his way on to the front porch and says "hey...grandpa...look....I'm black..." and Grandpa jumps his shit worse than his parents. "Now go back to your mother!"
The little boys slowly walks back in the kitchen and the mother says "Did you learn your lesson?"
The boy says "Damn right I did! I've only been black for like 5 minutes and I HATE you motherfuckers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c55wl/look_mom_im_black/
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A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life...

...but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded,
“I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bull’s-eye in your wife’s vagina. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his penis. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Potter that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Potters and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the tests. He then told the Potters the bad news.
“I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."
The Potters pleaded with him, and said,
“You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.”
“Well, all right,” the doctor said. “But you'll need some apples and a box of cheerios”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c55lc/a_doctor_had_the_reputation_of_helping_couples/
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Holy baptism

John, an alcoholic, went to the church to find a solution for his drinking problems.
The priest, after a long talk, asks: Are you baptized ?
No
Well then, I'll give you the holy baptism and you'll be a new man.
The priest plunged John 3 times in the water and says:
You are now a new creature! There will be no more alcohol in your life! You're not John anymore, you'll be Joseph instead, a new clean and healthy man!
Joseph found the method odd but really liked the experience. So Joseph went home, directly to the fridge, took a beer and dip it in the water saying:
You're a now new creature! You're not beer anymore, you're now orange juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c55hu/holy_baptism/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c54cl/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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Did you hear the Germans now have breakfast delivery drones?

They call them the LuftWaffles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c51ad/did_you_hear_the_germans_now_have_breakfast/
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A blonde is walking down the road and notices a red head

The red head was jumping on and off a set of railroad tracks counting "21,21,21". So the blonde walks up and asks her what she is doing. The red says "Oh nothing just doing this 21,21,21" as she's jumping on and off the tracks. So the blonde decides  to join her and they both starting jumping on and off the tracks counting "21,21,21". Eventually a train comes by and the red head gets out of the way but the blonde doesn't and she is hit by the train and killed. Once the train had passed by the red head goes back to the tracks and starts counting again "22,22,22".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c4yl6/a_blonde_is_walking_down_the_road_and_notices_a/
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most clever student

Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c4svh/most_clever_student/
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I went to a bar last night

and I saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said "Wow, great legs."
She giggled and said "Really?"
I said "Yea, most tables would've collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c4qg2/i_went_to_a_bar_last_night/
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Did you hear about that German barber?

You know, Herr Kutz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c4p6x/did_you_hear_about_that_german_barber/
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What did the Tailor do when the man was upset that his pants were too long?

He cut the guy some slacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c4mlc/what_did_the_tailor_do_when_the_man_was_upset/
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My psychologist diagnosed me with ADD

At least I think that's what she was saying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c4kem/my_psychologist_diagnosed_me_with_add/
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Sex is not the answer!

Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c4jng/sex_is_not_the_answer/
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Darkest Africa

Two explores were captured by a vicious tribe and sentenced to death. The witch doctor explained that as they weren't savages and to prove it he granted each captive a last wish.
The first explorer requested a sumptuous meal. when the meal was over he was killed,skinned and they used his skin to make a canoe.
When asked, the second explorer requested a fork. Although  perplexed his wish was granted.
He took the fork and whilst stabbing himself several times, said, lets see you fuckers make a canoe out of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c4jlw/darkest_africa/
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A spider got sick from eating a fly he trapped...

his mother told him not to trust everything he finds on the web

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c4h90/a_spider_got_sick_from_eating_a_fly_he_trapped/
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school jokes

The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c4dg5/school_jokes/
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A kid walks into a brothel with a dead frog tied to a string dragging behind him...

He goes up to the Madame and asks for a whore.
The Madame says: "I can't give you one of my girls, you're just a kid!"
Kid slaps a crisp $100 on the desk and says: "I just want to look at them. How about now?"
Madame: "Ok, I guess that's all right." Lines 'em up.
Kid looks 'em up and down. "Alright, I want one."
Madame: "Oh no, that's not happening, I told you before..."
Kid takes out five $100 bills. "How about now?"
Madame: "Well, I guess so kid. Which one?"
Kid: "I want the one with herpes."
Madame: "Kid, this is a clean establishment. We don't..."
Kid whips out ten more hundreds.
Madame: "Hey, Kandi! You got a customer!"
Kids goes in the back with Kandi, dead frog still dragging behind him, and comes back out 5 minutes later.
Madame: "Look, kid, I gotta ask... you have all this money, you want a dirty whore, and you got this frog... what's the deal?"
Kid: "Well, when I get home, me and the babysitter are gonna, you know. Then when my parents get home, my dad's gonna drive the babysitter home, and they're gonna do it. Then when my dad gets home, he and my mom are gonna do it. Then, after my dad goes to work in the morning, my mom and the mailman are gonna do it. And the mailman killed my frog."
(I heard this joke from my one cool teacher in middle school. I understood it, and thought it was funny, but I didn't really realize how fucked up it is until just now.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c4d7p/a_kid_walks_into_a_brothel_with_a_dead_frog_tied/
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Why can't a tyranosauras clap?

It's extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c4cak/why_cant_a_tyranosauras_clap/
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The fastest thing...

Science teacher asks the kids, what is the fastest thing they know.
Timmy: Electricity!
Teacher: Why? Tell us?
Timmy: Whenever I press the light switch in my room, it takes less than a second to be on.
Teacher: Good example Timmy.
Fred: A lightning!
Teacher: Why? Freddie?
Fred: Because it appears super fast! covering big distances in no time.
Teacher: Good example Freddie.
Johnny: Diarrhea!
Teacher: Diarrhea? why?
Johnny: Last night my stomach ached, I woke up like a lightning, turned on the lights, and I was already covered in shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c4bue/the_fastest_thing/
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Wanna become plumber

Son : Dad I want to become a pizza delivery boy or plumber when I grow up
Dad : stop watching porn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c49oh/wanna_become_plumber/
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Tasty Peaches

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read, "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and decided to stop.
He thought this has to be bullshit.
So he approaches the old, feeble man behind the stand and says," So, you have peaches that taste like strawberries and cream?"
The old man hands him a peach and the driver takes a bite. "Mmmmmm, tastes like strawberries," he says. "Turn it around," the old man says. The driver turns it around, bites into it, and the other side tastes like cream.
The man thinks for a second, and says, "How 'bout steak and baked potato?" The old man behind the stand looks for a second, and then comes up with a new peach. He hands it to the weary traveler. He bites into it. "Tastes like steak," he says. "Turn it around," the old man says. "Wow, POTATO!"
The traveler thinks really hard for about 2 minutes before he finally blurts out, "O.K. old man, I bet you don't have one that tastes like pussy!"
The old man produces another peach very quickly and hands it to the driver.
He takes a big bite out of it, chews a couple of times, spits it out, and says, "Man, this tastes like SHIT!!" The old man just grins and says,"Turn it around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c48wr/tasty_peaches/
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The Couple

A couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker.  She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, “A hundred dollars.” He replies, "All I got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What now.  What can he get for thirty? "
A hand job," the husband replied. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty
dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back...................................."
She runs back to the husband. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c48sm/the_couple/
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I bought a jaguar for my wife

It tore her to bits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c48b4/i_bought_a_jaguar_for_my_wife/
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So Helen Keller walks into a bar...

Then a table, then a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c47b5/so_helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
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I think my cat's a communist.

He always talks about Mao.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c46oy/i_think_my_cats_a_communist/
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Restaurant Order

A resident in a hotel breakfast room called the waiter to his table.
"I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."
"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."
The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c430r/restaurant_order/
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My policy for a good, healthy sexual relationship is this: "From each according to their ability; to each according to their needs."

Or as I like to call it, Cummunism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c4303/my_policy_for_a_good_healthy_sexual_relationship/
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Just started a job that requires me to sew two people together by the anus

Not a dream job, but it makes ends meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c42zb/just_started_a_job_that_requires_me_to_sew_two/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c40ek/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_kkk_member/
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The US Navy is starting to worry about the North Korean military.

Since all the missles they launch at Washington end up hitting the ocean, the odds are they will eventually hit a ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3zdx/the_us_navy_is_starting_to_worry_about_the_north/
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What do you call a blind German?

A not see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3zbe/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
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Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: Mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3yxg/cop_whose_car_is_this_where_are_you_headed_what/
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Ms. Smith told little Timmy...

Little Timmy was making strange and contorted faces. Ms. Smith came up to him and told him she was told not to make funny faces or else it would stay like that. Little Timmy replied, "Well you were warned"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3ys0/ms_smith_told_little_timmy/
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Why are there only 2 pallbearers at a Westboro Baptist's Funeral?

There's only two handles on a garbage can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3vfz/why_are_there_only_2_pallbearers_at_a_westboro/
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A man wakes up in a dingy slum

with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3ubq/a_man_wakes_up_in_a_dingy_slum/
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My friend told me that I didn't know what irony meant

Which is ironic because we were at a bus stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3tol/my_friend_told_me_that_i_didnt_know_what_irony/
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3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.
Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"
So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.
Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, looks like you cheated on your wife TWICE! You are going to drive around heaven in an Accord!"
He gets into his car and drives through the gates.
Peter calls the third man up and says, "You cheated on your wife FIVE TIMES. You are going to be driving around in a ford pinto!"
But, when the third man drives through the gates, he sees the person in the Ferrari on the side of the rode and he's crying.
The man asks, "Why are you crying??? You got the nicest car out of all of us!!"
He replies, "I just saw my wife ride by on a skateboard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3ryp/3_men_are_in_line_to_get_into_heaven/
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What kind of bees give milk?

Boobees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3or3/what_kind_of_bees_give_milk/
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A guy meets a prostitute

She tells him, "For $200 I'll do anything you want, as long as you can say it in 3 words."  He hands her $200, leans in and whispers, "Paint my house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3oow/a_guy_meets_a_prostitute/
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Why can't Trump form an arithmetic series?

He's only got one term

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3oe5/why_cant_trump_form_an_arithmetic_series/
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What's Jesus' favorite gun?

A nail gun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3nyi/whats_jesus_favorite_gun/
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Went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite...

Got back to the office and realized I had picked 7 up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3nfj/went_to_the_store_to_buy_6_cans_of_sprite/
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What do you call a midget doing a cartwheel?

A midget spinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3nea/what_do_you_call_a_midget_doing_a_cartwheel/
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, and agnostic, and a dyslexic?

A guy that spends all night in bed questioning the existence of dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3mec/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_and/
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I was watching porn last night when my Grandmother walked in...

Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3kpr/i_was_watching_porn_last_night_when_my/
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I had sex with a cop last night.

She gave me a ticket for speeding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3ixb/i_had_sex_with_a_cop_last_night/
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My father walked in on me masturbating...

He yelled "Stop doing that or you'll go blind!"
I replied "Thanks dad but I'm over here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3im1/my_father_walked_in_on_me_masturbating/
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So, I was at the UN headquarters...

So, I was at the UN headquarters and I was feeling a bit Hungary, so I was Russian to the kitchen to get a slice of Turkey, but it was covered in Greece. There's Norway I'm eating that, so I got some Chile instead. Something just Francy enough for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3fnc/so_i_was_at_the_un_headquarters/
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When you die, you come one step closer to God.

You don't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3d2k/when_you_die_you_come_one_step_closer_to_god/
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I was talking to my Grandpa about how to propose to my girlfriend

He asked me if I had any ideas for what three rings I was going to get.
Confused I asked what he meant by three.
"First and engagement ring, then comes the wedding ring, followed by the suffering" He whispered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3c6e/i_was_talking_to_my_grandpa_about_how_to_propose/
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Husband/Wife Jokes

A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me
that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five
year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c3bya/husbandwife_jokes/
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What do you call a pilot from the Netherlands?

The flying Dutchman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c38yc/what_do_you_call_a_pilot_from_the_netherlands/
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I went to a very emotional wedding the other day

Even the cake was in tiers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c38ve/i_went_to_a_very_emotional_wedding_the_other_day/
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A wife had bought some crotchless panties

and was waiting on the bed for her husband. When her husband came home she opened her legs seductively and asked, "would you like to have a taste?"
"Eww, fuck no!", the husband answered. "Look at what it's done to your panties!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c370u/a_wife_had_bought_some_crotchless_panties/
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c36oq/there_was_once_a_young_man_who_in_his_youth/
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Which Marvel villain is the master of subtlety?

Loki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c35wv/which_marvel_villain_is_the_master_of_subtlety/
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Why is the sperm of a bachelor more valuable than the sperm of a married man?

It's usually hand made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c35wu/why_is_the_sperm_of_a_bachelor_more_valuable_than/
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Looking at my face is like reading in the car

It's all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c35rf/looking_at_my_face_is_like_reading_in_the_car/
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A trucker was missing his girlfriend

A trucker had been on the road for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to seeing his girlfriend back home and having sex with her. He was nervous about busting a nut too early and remembered reading that masturbating before having sex would help prolong the act. The only problem was that he didn't have a place to beat his meat, his helper/co-driver was sleeping in the back and there were no truck stops for miles.
Then he had a stroke of genius and stopped the truck at a wayside. He hopped out and went under the truck to make it look like he was doing some repairs. He whipped out his genius, closed his eyes with his girlfriend on his mind and started stroking. After a while the trucker felt someone tug his leg.
He kept his eyes closed to not disturb the feed from the spank bank and asked "What is it?"
"Highway police" someone answered, "sir, what are you doing?"
"The drive shaft was making a weird noise and I decided to check if everything was okay," the trucker replied nervously.
"It might be a good idea to check the brakes too while you're at it, seeing as your truck rolled down the road ten minutes ago", the police said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c35is/a_trucker_was_missing_his_girlfriend/
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I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c34n6/i_told_the_paramedics_the_wrong_blood_type_for_my/
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A man walks into a bar

and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him.
So the man walks outside the bar with the lamp, rubs it and sure enough a genie comes out. "Thank you for freeing me. For this, you can have one wish." So the man thinks for a bit and shouts, "I want a million ducks!" and as soon as he said it, money fell from the sky, hundreds and thousands of cash scattered everywhere. So the man collects all the cash and walks back into the bar to return the lamp. The bartender, who witnessed the whole event asks, "Wow, how did you know that the genie was hard of hearing?"
"Well," the man replies, "I see this joke posted here every day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c33c6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Time off work

I rung up work this morning..
"My wife died last night." I explained. "I'm going to need some time off."
"Oh my goodness, that's awful." Replied the secretary. "We understand though, take as much time off as you need."
"Thank you." I said. "It'll be about eighteen years, if I behave myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c32il/time_off_work/
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A bartender said sorry we don't serve time travelers...

Two time travelers walk into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c30zz/a_bartender_said_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
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What do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common…

Icy dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2whv/what_do_the_films_the_sixth_sense_and_titanic/
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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce...

So they go see a divorce lawyer.
Divorce lawyer: "So you're saying you want to divorce Minnie because she's being... Extremely silly?"
Mickey: "No I said she's fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2vm2/mickey_mouse_and_minnie_mouse_are_getting_a/
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If a man speaks,

And there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2vkg/if_a_man_speaks/
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Your parents in 1996: "Don't trust ANYBODY on the internet!"

Your parents today: "Freedom Eagle dot facebook says Hillary invented AIDS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2urf/your_parents_in_1996_dont_trust_anybody_on_the/
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Bigamist…

What an Italian calls very thick fog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2pmp/bigamist/
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A man goes to a halloween party...

...in nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.
His friends see him and ask,
"Hey man, what are you meant to be?"
He replies, "I'm a turtle."
His friends respond, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?"
The man replies, "Oh, that's just Michelle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2pbv/a_man_goes_to_a_halloween_party/
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What do you call a Hispanic with binoculars?

Puerto-Recon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2ovm/what_do_you_call_a_hispanic_with_binoculars/
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I discovered that my socks exhibit quantum entanglement.

As soon as I put on my left sock, the other sock immediately becomes the right sock, and vice versa, regardless of the distance between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2nkt/i_discovered_that_my_socks_exhibit_quantum/
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What did the Roman soldier say when Jesus whispered his dying words on the cross?

Come again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2mx6/what_did_the_roman_soldier_say_when_jesus/
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Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them both; said it’d be like winning the lottery…

They were right – we had six matching balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2lpa/two_thai_girls_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_sleep_with/
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My friend died from an explosion after lighting his fart on fire.

But I know he's at peace because the last thing he saw was a light at the end of his tunnel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2iv4/my_friend_died_from_an_explosion_after_lighting/
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What do you call a kid with chloroform?

A kid-napping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2fwa/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_chloroform/
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms...

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2fr0/a_young_man_goes_into_a_drug_store_to_buy_condoms/
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The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2ew1/the_bacon_tree/
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Any married man should forget his mistakes...

...there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2div/any_married_man_should_forget_his_mistakes/
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2aiq/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

The bartender says: "This is getting old now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2a3l/an_irishman_an_englishman_and_a_scotsman_walk/
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What did the letter "O" say to the letter "Q"?

"Dude, your dick's hanging out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c26fs/what_did_the_letter_o_say_to_the_letter_q/
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Why don't Jehovah Witness' get killed during an earthquake...

Because they are always in your doorway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c244t/why_dont_jehovah_witness_get_killed_during_an/
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Driver's License

A little girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c23bg/drivers_license/
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The Circuit

A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c2366/the_circuit/
%
Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?

"Ask your sister"
I don't have a...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c1zm4/hey_dad_how_do_you_feel_about_abortion/
%
So a dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps someone when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says, "At school." The robot slaps the son! "OK, I watched a DVD at my friend's house!" "What DVD?" the dad asked. "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son again! "OK, it was a porno." cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. The robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "Hahaha! He's certainly your son." The robot slaps the mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c1y48/so_a_dad_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
%
The man entered his home and was absolutely delighted

Someone had stolen every lamp in his home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c1tu1/the_man_entered_his_home_and_was_absolutely/
%
The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is

You can drop her anywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c1sgy/the_best_part_about_having_a_homeless_girlfriend/
%
I went on my very first date today...

...we were enjoying a lovely dinner while talking about our lives, until she excused herself to use the washroom. It's remarkable how women can stay in there for two hours!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c1sca/i_went_on_my_very_first_date_today/
%
I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c1rfz/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
A salesman knocks on a door

Little Johnny answers, brandy in one hand, cigar in the other.
"Hello son, are your parents home?" Asks the salesman.
"Does it fucking look like it?" replies little Johnny, puffing on his cigar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c1qth/a_salesman_knocks_on_a_door/
%
John woke up one morning with an enormous erection

so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to take a note to his wife. The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read:
The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:
I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c1ntb/john_woke_up_one_morning_with_an_enormous_erection/
%
Why are hurricanes named after women?

Because they arrive wet and wild then leave with your house and car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c1m78/why_are_hurricanes_named_after_women/
%
The White House Foreign Affairs Officer walks into the oval office and says...

The White House Foreign Affairs Officer walks into the oval office and says "Mr. President, eight Brazilian soldiers were killed in Mexico today!"
The President is real quiet.
"Mr. President, did you hear me?"
"How many is a Brazilian?" the president asks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c1llf/the_white_house_foreign_affairs_officer_walks/
%
Babe, you can call me Solar Radiation.

Because I'm about to get caught up in your ozone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c1hu5/babe_you_can_call_me_solar_radiation/
%
A dad and son went on a camping trip...

A dad and his son went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the son said, "Dad, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".
His father responded, "I see millions and millions of stars".
The son asked, "So what does that tell you?"
The father answered, "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, son?"
"It tells me you forgot to pack the tent again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c1hmm/a_dad_and_son_went_on_a_camping_trip/
%
Good advice.

Good advice
Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while the neighbour was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. As she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”
“Do you think that will work?” she asked.
“Just worked for me,” he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c1cgy/good_advice/
%
Have you heard the one about a roof?

I heard it just goes over peoples heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c133v/have_you_heard_the_one_about_a_roof/
%
James bond walks into a bar..

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
Bond explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!”
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s an hour fast.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c0y11/james_bond_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The secret service used to yell "Get Down" whenever the president was in immediate danger

Now they yell "Donald Duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c0xq1/the_secret_service_used_to_yell_get_down_whenever/
%
I read an article about how bad drinking alcohol is.

So I stopped reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c0xe4/i_read_an_article_about_how_bad_drinking_alcohol/
%
There are 2 keys to success

Never tell them everything you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c0voe/there_are_2_keys_to_success/
%
You know how Canada got its name right?

It was 3 guys sitting around a table and the first guy goes, "what about a C, eh?" the second guy says "yea what about an N eh?" and the last guy says "what about a D eh?"
I don't know if this has been told here before but it's definitely my goto joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c0ugy/you_know_how_canada_got_its_name_right/
%
How does a chihuahua kill a rottweiler?

Asphyxiation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c0qhg/how_does_a_chihuahua_kill_a_rottweiler/
%
The Thunder God went for a ride.

The Thunder God went for a ride upon his mighty steed.
"I'm Thor!" he Roared
The horse replied "Of course, you forgot the thaddle thilly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c0my8/the_thunder_god_went_for_a_ride/
%
Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c0ltt/police_officer_can_you_identify_yourself_sir/
%
No Longer PC

It's no longer Politically Correct to call someone a "tweaker".
You now call them "Methican American".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c0lrb/no_longer_pc/
%
A boy goes to a gay strip club.

He comes home and his mom gets angry and says, "Did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?" to which the boy responded, "Yes, I saw dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c0gro/a_boy_goes_to_a_gay_strip_club/
%
11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c0gfi/11_minutes/
%
My mom told me I’d never amount to anything, because I procrastinate too much...

I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c09i9/my_mom_told_me_id_never_amount_to_anything/
%
How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c07n0/how_do_you_get_americans_to_join_a_world_war/
%
I'm not a snitch!

But he is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c05xe/im_not_a_snitch/
%
Three men are trapped on an island inhabited by cannibals.

Soon enough they get caught. the leader tells them to go out into the woods and pick ten of any fruit they find then come back. The first man comes back with ten apples. The leader says to him "If you can stick all ten apples up your ass without making and sound or facial expression then you will be set free. If you fail we will eat you." He only manages to get two in before cringing in pain, and thus he is eaten and sent to heaven. The second man comes back with ten blueberries and the leader gives him the same task as he gave the first man. He gets nine blueberries in when all of a sudden he burst out laughing, and so he is eaten and sent to heaven, where he meets the first man again. The first man is extremely confused and asks his friend, "What happened! you had the easiest fruit, why the hell did you start laughing!" To which the second man replies, "I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c05mz/three_men_are_trapped_on_an_island_inhabited_by/
%
A woman is much like a condom...

She spends more time in your wallet than around your penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c008l/a_woman_is_much_like_a_condom/
%
I've been 100 days sober.

Not in a row but still 100 days never the less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6c0025/ive_been_100_days_sober/
%
"Science gives us airplanes and skyscrapers..."

"but it's faith that brings them together."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzzgg/science_gives_us_airplanes_and_skyscrapers/
%
What was the song that Vlad the Impaler's victims sang before they were killed?

Vladislav...Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me....no more...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzyrz/what_was_the_song_that_vlad_the_impalers_victims/
%
Two priest driving down the road...

Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers.
"We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them.
The priests look at each other before they speak. "We'll do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzvf1/two_priest_driving_down_the_road/
%
Why did the battleship keep swearing?

It had turrets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzqax/why_did_the_battleship_keep_swearing/
%
Why did the Chinese Mayor overdose on Viagra?

Because he wanted to win the erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzp46/why_did_the_chinese_mayor_overdose_on_viagra/
%
If Ironman and the Silver Surfer teamed up...

They'd both be alloys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzos5/if_ironman_and_the_silver_surfer_teamed_up/
%
My teeth started a movement...

Plaque lives matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzmn4/my_teeth_started_a_movement/
%
My barber was telling me about how he was going to disinherit his son...

Yeah, it was quite the heir cut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzmab/my_barber_was_telling_me_about_how_he_was_going/
%
It's best to whisper!

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice: "$800 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzl0q/its_best_to_whisper/
%
What's Sarah Palins favorite water sport?

Parah Salin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzke4/whats_sarah_palins_favorite_water_sport/
%
Why is everybody questioning Trump’s integrity?

He is not taking the salary usually given by the United States to be the President. He honestly feels he should not be paid by more than one government.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzk9z/why_is_everybody_questioning_trumps_integrity/
%
After 15 years, a convict finally escapes from prison...

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy has probably spent a long time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
"Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzjji/after_15_years_a_convict_finally_escapes_from/
%
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...

He says,"Give me 2 shots..."
The bartender cuts him off and says,"You only get 1 shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzjii/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_owned_by_eminem/
%
Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzix5/got_a_parking_ticket_the_other_day_for_being/
%
I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzggo/i_cant_understand_why_my_credit_card_keeps/
%
Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzgff/hand_hand_river_dirt_gollum_hobbits_pockets/
%
A man walks into the library

Man:Do you have the new book on small penises?
Librarian: Sorry, I don't think it's in yet
Man: yeah that's the one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzfao/a_man_walks_into_the_library/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and a Irishman are captured by Isis.

The executioner lines the men in a row and says that each of them can have one final wish. He starts by asking the Irishman what his wish is.
"My wish is to have 1000 Irish tap dancers tapping during my execution."
"Granted." The executioner replied and then proceeded to ask the Scotsman his wish.
"My wish is to have 1000 Scotsman playing the bag pipes during my execution."
"Granted." Replied the executioner, and went on to ask the Welsh man.
"My wish is to have 1000 Welshman singing Land of my Farther during my execution."
"Granted." Said the executioner, before finally asking the English man what his final wish was to be.
"Kill me first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzcah/an_englishman_a_scotsman_a_welshman_and_a/
%
Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven

At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".
Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".
So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzby7/chris_cornell_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
When wearing a bikini, women reveal about 90% of their body ...

... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bzb1v/when_wearing_a_bikini_women_reveal_about_90_of/
%
I've said it before, and I'll say it again.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bz8u4/ive_said_it_before_and_ill_say_it_again/
%
I hate seeing kids with two dads.

It's not fair since I didn't even have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bz8q2/i_hate_seeing_kids_with_two_dads/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate their tits a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bz66i/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?

That's your common sense leaving your body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bz4sr/you_know_that_tingly_little_feeling_you_get_when/
%
Last night

I was driving home from work when a BMW pulled up next to me at a stoplight. The driver, a dark skinned man with a thick bushy beard, started screaming and flipping me off.  He yelled something like "I love snack bars." I couldn't quite understand him over his passengers yelling "death to America" and something about caliphate.
Anyways, they floored it through the intersection as soon as the light turned green and got broadsided by a semi that tried to beat the light. Completely obliterated the car. It took me a few seconds to process what happened and I started thinking "That could have been me."
So, tomorrow, I start classes to get my CDL.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bz3g1/last_night/
%
A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs...

I'm still baffled, I've been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bz11b/a_local_barber_in_my_area_just_got_arrested_for/
%
I used to think I was indecisive ...

... but now I'm not too sure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6byzvm/i_used_to_think_i_was_indecisive/
%
What begins with P ends in S and is long and hard?

Process, you pervert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6byyh5/what_begins_with_p_ends_in_s_and_is_long_and_hard/
%
I was working with a Russian...

... we were running late but he wasn't russian enough, so I told him there's no time for stalin, but he was just lenin it be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bywv4/i_was_working_with_a_russian/
%
"Sir, your balance is outstanding."

I know my balance is outstanding, I've been skateboarding for years, but I fail to see how that's going to help me pay back this debt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bytyz/sir_your_balance_is_outstanding/
%
Don't trust any diet advice that tells you to eat light...

For that's most certainly the way to become a black hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bys96/dont_trust_any_diet_advice_that_tells_you_to_eat/
%
It's scientifically proven that birthdays are good for your health.

The more of them you have, the longer you live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bys8d/its_scientifically_proven_that_birthdays_are_good/
%
If Caitlyn Jenner was a super hero, what team would she be on?

The Ex-Men or the Trans formers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bypl5/if_caitlyn_jenner_was_a_super_hero_what_team/
%
Why can't Donald Trump be circumcised?

There's no end to that prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6byl4s/why_cant_donald_trump_be_circumcised/
%
Little Johny: Dad, why do good people die young?

Dad: When you are in a garden, which flower will you pick?
Little Johny: The ugly ones
Dad: Exactl- wait... what? why?
Little Johny: Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bykrp/little_johny_dad_why_do_good_people_die_young/
%
Who decided to call it "Dwayne Johnson's Wrestling Career" instead of...

Classic Rock?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6byki7/who_decided_to_call_it_dwayne_johnsons_wrestling/
%
What does an Asian call their pet lion?

Ryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6byhdd/what_does_an_asian_call_their_pet_lion/
%
"Jimmy, I think you have a brake fluid problem."

"No I don't! I can stop anytime I want!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bygd0/jimmy_i_think_you_have_a_brake_fluid_problem/
%
A man asks to his wife...

Man: Honey, Can we ha sex?
Wife: Yes, but only if we do it on the floor.
Man: Uhm...sure, But why on the floor?
Wife: Because I want to feels something hard this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bycq3/a_man_asks_to_his_wife/
%
I told my doctor that I could sew stitches better than he could.

He replied, "Fine, suture self".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6by9y4/i_told_my_doctor_that_i_could_sew_stitches_better/
%
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6by3t0/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
%
An alien vessel landed on St Peter's square

An alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome.
A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared.
They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope.
After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!"
exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens.
"Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so.
Awesome fellow!"
A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple.
"Every two years?" he shouted. "We're still waiting for his second coming!"
"Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?" suggested the alien.
"Chocolate?" replied the Pope. "What in heaven's name does chocolate have to do with it?"
"Well," said the alien.
"When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate.
Why, what did you do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6by1rh/an_alien_vessel_landed_on_st_peters_square/
%
If a guy in a wheelchair is on stage telling jokes ...

Is it still called stand-up comedy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6by1dr/if_a_guy_in_a_wheelchair_is_on_stage_telling_jokes/
%
Obscene Caller

A woman answered a call from an unknown number.
"Hello," said the obscene caller, as he breathed heavily, "if you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
Listen honey," drawled the lady, "if you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxza4/obscene_caller/
%
in the beginning God created Man and said "I have created the perfect woman and wife for you, and put her in all four corners of the globe"

then he made the world round and LAUGHED.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxw21/in_the_beginning_god_created_man_and_said_i_have/
%
If you had to choose...

Between eating bacon everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life, would you choose applewood or hickory smoked?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxsu7/if_you_had_to_choose/
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A man goes to the doctor....

He whips it out and says "doc, look at this".  His dick is striped with every color of the rainbow.
Doc: "Yep, seen that before.  Nothing we can do but amputate."
Man:  "Screw you doc!" and runs out.
The man sees every doctor in town, but they all take one look and say the same thing.  Nothing to do but amputate.  Last resort, he goes to see an old Chinese doctor.
Doc: "Whoooa, looka you dick! Look like Chinese New Year!"
Man:  "Doc, I've been to every doctor in town and they all say they'll have to amputate!"
Doc:   "Amputate!??  Cut off you dick??  No, no. I seen this before.
We no amputate."
Man: "Oh my god!  Thank you, thank you doc!  I'm so glad I found you!  What do we do?"
Doc:  "Nothing!  Three, maybe 4 days, it gonna fall off by itself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxro1/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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A man has stomach problems and doctors can't figure out what's wrong.

A man was having recurring stomach pains and eventually said enough was enough and went to the doctor about it.
The doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong with him and referred him to another doctor, who also couldn't find the problem and referred him to a stomach specialist.
The specialist, after weeks of testing and thousands of dollars in medical bills, couldn't find the problem either.
Frustrated, depressed, and hopless, the man gave up and resigned himself to a life of living with constant stomach pain.
As he walked home from the specialist's office he walked by an alternative-medicine clinic.
Have exhausted all of his other options he stepped inside.
He got in to see the "doctor" right away, as there were no other patients in the clinic.
After explaining his misery to the doctor, the doctor didn't even touch or examine him before saying.
"Ok. I know problem."
Baffled the man just stared at him.
"Here what you do. Eat a lemon cookie, every day at noon exactly. Do this for month. On last day come back in to clinic at 11 AM."
The man, having run out of options, decided to go for it.
Every day at noon he ate a lemon cookie.
He didn't feel any different and felt like an idiot for playing along.
But he persisted, and on the last day he returned to the clinic at 11 AM.
"Ah you back. Ok now take off pants." the doctor said.
"What?"
"You want stomach pain forever or no?"
So the man took off his pants.
"underwear too."
And his underwear too.
The doctor then instructed the man to lie down on the exam table on his stomach. The doctor then spread apart the mans legs.
The man was very uncomfortable, but he was desperate.
out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the doctor pulling out a large wooden mallet.
"what are you-"
"shhhh" the doctor said and checked his watch.
The man saw the clock on the wall said noon.
He sat there with his legs spread open, bare ass facing the doctor who still held the wooden mallet.
12:05.
waiting.
12:10
waiting.
At 12:15 a large worm stuck his head out of the mans butt and yelled
"WHERE'S MY LEMON COOKIE!?!?!"
And the doctor smashed it with the mallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxpvw/a_man_has_stomach_problems_and_doctors_cant/
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elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxoie/elevator/
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Why do scuba divers dive backwards?

Cause if they dived forward they would fell on the boat.
Real reason so that the eye and nose masks don't get filled with water on the impact straightforward and the oxygen tanks are heavy and it would exert less strain on the back. A prudent way.
Throwback Thursday Joke
Edited few grammar mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxoat/why_do_scuba_divers_dive_backwards/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxnz7/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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The World Map has been revised; The North and South poles are where you'd expect, but...

...all the other Poles are in Britain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxnhj/the_world_map_has_been_revised_the_north_and/
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Family conversation.

Dad: Say, daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say, daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Fuck you, say, daddy!
Baby: Fuck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: Fuck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxn1r/family_conversation/
%
Sometimes I wonder about suicide bombers...

What makes them *tick*?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxn1l/sometimes_i_wonder_about_suicide_bombers/
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Today I met a man who said that everything in the universe was made up of pistachios, almonds and cashews.

But that's just nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxmtx/today_i_met_a_man_who_said_that_everything_in_the/
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My girlfriend keeps complaining about how little space there is in the wardrobe

If she keeps this bullshit up, my wife might find her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxmii/my_girlfriend_keeps_complaining_about_how_little/
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My wife accused me of showing favouritism towards one of our kids...

It's not true; I love Emma and Not Emma equally!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxleh/my_wife_accused_me_of_showing_favouritism_towards/
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Parking Tickets...

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxi58/parking_tickets/
%
An American and a Russian were arguing about their two countries....

The American said, "Look, in America I can walk into the Oval Office, I can pound the President's desk and say Mr President, I don't like the way you're running our country."
The Russian said, "I can do that."
The American asked, "You can?"
The Russian replied, "Yes, in my country I can go to the Kremlin, to President Putin's office, pound his desk and say Mr. President, I don't like the way President Trump is running his country."
Joke by: Anonymous Source Comey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxh1n/an_american_and_a_russian_were_arguing_about/
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A man and a woman were having lunch at the Senior Citizens Center...

..while talking, found out they both liked to fish. He asked her if she would like to go out in his boat that afternoon.
So they headed out and as they headed down the river, they came to a fork. He said to her, "Up or Down?" She ripped off her clothes and they made passionate love. A while later they came to another fork in the river and he asked again, "Up or Down?" Again, she ripped off her clothes and they had made passionate sex. This happened a couple of more times. At the end of the day, he took her home and asked if she would like to go finishing the next day. She agreed
So the next day, he picked her up and they headed down the river. They came to a fork and he asked her "Up or Down?" She replied "Down". He was a little confused and disappointed but continued along until the next fork in the river. He again asked her "Up or Down?" This time she said "Up." Really puzzled, he looked at her and said, "I just don't understand. Yesterday when I asked you that question, you ripped off your clothes and we made passionate love. Why not today?" "Well" she said, "Yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aids and I thought you said fuck or drown."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxg0k/a_man_and_a_woman_were_having_lunch_at_the_senior/
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How Native Americans get there names

One day a little Indian boy went up to his dad who was the chief and asked him how do Indians get there names. His dad looked at him and said "when your brother was born I went out tepee and saw, soaring eagle so I named him Soaring Eagle. When your sister was born I went out tepee and saw raging river so I named her, Raging River." The dad then looked at his son and said, " Do you understand now Shitting Dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxbvb/how_native_americans_get_there_names/
%
After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...

"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxbb1/after_5_long_years_of_studying_a_student_comes/
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I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...

I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked
"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"
"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bxaz0/i_was_going_from_london_to_australia_for_a_holiday/
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A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bx9nq/a_woman_in_the_bar_says_that_she_wants_to_have/
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Wisdom with Age

Four guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mark, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Mark and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you ?"
He said, "Mark snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you ? You look awful!"
He said, 'Man, that Mark shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older Biker, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mark into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night on the lips.
Mark sat up and watched me all night!!
With age comes wisdom!!!
...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bx9ae/wisdom_with_age/
%
What game are the mafia best at?

Whack-A-Mole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bx792/what_game_are_the_mafia_best_at/
%
Chris Cornell died...

Well Chris, say hello to heaven for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bx5zx/chris_cornell_died/
%
A man is watching tv and starts yelling "No! No! DONT GO IN THE CHURCH!!!"

The wife from another room asks: "honey what are you watching?"
Husband: our wedding video

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bx59t/a_man_is_watching_tv_and_starts_yelling_no_no/
%
A panda bear with a gun walks into a pub and orders some food.

He eats, shoots and leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bx3hj/a_panda_bear_with_a_gun_walks_into_a_pub_and/
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I lost my watch at a party once

. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bx323/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
%
My wife is leaving me because I'm noisy, bulimic, and get spontaneous erections...

She said I can't keep it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bx2yq/my_wife_is_leaving_me_because_im_noisy_bulimic/
%
Trump was asked what his favorite musical instrument is, and said "Trumpet."

He was asked what his favorite topic is, and said "Tropics."
He was asked what his favorite multiplier is, said "Triple."
He was asked what he favorite reason is, said "Treaso-...shut up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bx1fg/trump_was_asked_what_his_favorite_musical/
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They have been married for 50 years

An old man asks his wife: "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason." Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bwzxz/they_have_been_married_for_50_years/
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Who came first?

I went out last night dressed as a chicken and ended up getting with a girl who was dressed as an egg. A lifelong question has been answered; it was the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bwyhu/who_came_first/
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Blonde and the Airlines

A blonde rings up an airline and asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bwyc6/blonde_and_the_airlines/
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My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food

Sushi left me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bwx6l/my_girlfriend_hated_my_obsession_with_japanese/
%
Did you hear about the guy who had his bamboo plant stolen?

He was bamboozled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bwvhx/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_had_his_bamboo/
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The first time I had sex was kind of like my first football game...

I was bloody and sore afterwards but at least my dad came...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bwuoy/the_first_time_i_had_sex_was_kind_of_like_my/
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I love dating blind girls

You don't have to worry about them seeing other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bwt5a/i_love_dating_blind_girls/
%
How to be cool:

A) Use the sunglasses emoji.
B)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bwrui/how_to_be_cool/
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I thought opening a door for a woman was polite

But she just screamed and flew out of the plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bwo91/i_thought_opening_a_door_for_a_woman_was_polite/
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Apparently, someone in Chicago gets stabbed every 52 seconds..

poor guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bwfwi/apparently_someone_in_chicago_gets_stabbed_every/
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The optimist sees the light in the tunnel, The pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel, The realist sees the train in the tunnel,

The traindriver sees 3 idiots on the railway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bwfqj/the_optimist_sees_the_light_in_the_tunnel_the/
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I haven't slept for ten days

because that would be too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bweon/i_havent_slept_for_ten_days/
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When I look into my daughter's eyes, I realize what's truly important in life.

Birth control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bwby4/when_i_look_into_my_daughters_eyes_i_realize/
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A Math Professor's mistake

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bw6sz/a_math_professors_mistake/
%
“What's the difference between sin and shame?”

“It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bw61i/whats_the_difference_between_sin_and_shame/
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True love lasts forever

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bw5vj/true_love_lasts_forever/
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Barbershop

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bw4op/barbershop/
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How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bw20i/how_many_friend_zoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
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I recently got fired from my job fitting interiors and my friend said, "well, when one door closes, another door opens" I said "thanks for the support man, appreciate it"

He said: "It's not support, you're shit at fitting doors"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bw0ef/i_recently_got_fired_from_my_job_fitting/
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What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvyeh/whats_white_on_top_and_black_on_the_bottom/
%
An octopus went off to war

It's a good thing that he was well-armed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvy5g/an_octopus_went_off_to_war/
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I stopped a rape today

Self control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvy2t/i_stopped_a_rape_today/
%
I tried sharing a packet of chips with a homeless person in a street

He told me to fuck off and buy my own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvwv0/i_tried_sharing_a_packet_of_chips_with_a_homeless/
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A recent study has shown patient mortality rates increase with the age of the doctor

Next week I have a surgical consultation with a particularly clever-looking newborn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvu6u/a_recent_study_has_shown_patient_mortality_rates/
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What starts with an F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvt2q/what_starts_with_an_f_and_ends_with_k/
%
A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.
From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvr2i/a_priest_and_a_pastor_are_standing_on_the_side_of/
%
I made a chicken salad this morning.

Stupid thing didn't even eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvqdg/i_made_a_chicken_salad_this_morning/
%
A naked women robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvm0e/a_naked_women_robbed_a_bank/
%
Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvkzn/chinese_doctor_opens_his_new_clinic/
%
Another Dinner Roll?

Jack confesses to his doctor that he can no longer sustain an erection. …
…
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “The problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do unless you’re willing to try an experimental treatment. We would take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.” …
…
The thought of going through life without ever having sex again was too much for Jack, so he agreed to try the treatment. …
…
A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to try out his new equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. ….
….
During dinner he felt a pain building in his groin. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang from his fly, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll, and then returned to his pants. …
…
His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do it again?” …
…
”I can try,” groaned Jack, “but I don’t think my ass can handle another roll.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvkkw/another_dinner_roll/
%
Why do gay men use ribbed condoms?

Traction in the mud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvkiw/why_do_gay_men_use_ribbed_condoms/
%
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today

That's 7 years in a row now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvkgo/i_cant_believe_i_forgot_to_go_to_the_gym_today/
%
My wife and I decided that we don't want to have children anymore

So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvjds/my_wife_and_i_decided_that_we_dont_want_to_have/
%
How do you make gold soup ?

Put 24 carrots in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvicw/how_do_you_make_gold_soup/
%
A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier

… Shocked, the cashier asks..’What’s this for?’ The Rastafarian replies..’Me here to open a joint account’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvdca/a_jamaican_walks_into_a_bank_with_a_25kg_bag_of/
%
My Ex had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh

If you put your ear to it you could smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bvc1g/my_ex_had_a_tattoo_of_a_seashell_on_her_inner/
%
I hope I don't go to prison after what I did today.

When I was in the shower I dropped the soap like ten times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bva98/i_hope_i_dont_go_to_prison_after_what_i_did_today/
%
Brad Pitt visits his doctor. "Hey Doc, you ever see me in that movie Seven with Morgurt Freeman?"

"Uh do you mean Morgan?"
"Oh yeah, sorry Doc.  Morgurt Morgan".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bv9qx/brad_pitt_visits_his_doctor_hey_doc_you_ever_see/
%
I went to the supermarket today to do shopping, when I noticed an attractive young woman waving at me…

She came over and said hi to me and I was taken aback because I couldn't recall where I knew her from.
So I asked her, “Sorry, do I know you?”
She replied, “Yes, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
My mind was whirring now and it traveled back to the only time I have ever been unfaithful to my wife.
I asked the woman, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looked into my eyes and calmly and replied, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bv6yb/i_went_to_the_supermarket_today_to_do_shopping/
%
I'm sick of telling my parents that my name is Richard.

It's Richard with "ch", not a "t"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bv66j/im_sick_of_telling_my_parents_that_my_name_is/
%
Two men walk down a street and see a dog licking it's balls...

The first man says; "I wish I could do that"
The second man replies; "You'd better pet him first. He might bite"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bv1qd/two_men_walk_down_a_street_and_see_a_dog_licking/
%
Blonde body repair

A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hailstorm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop.
The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out.
The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe.
Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.
Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks,"What in the world are you doing?"
The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.
Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO! Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6buwcd/blonde_body_repair/
%
An old woman goes to the grocery store...

And is standing in line to buy dog food. When the cashier finally tends to her, he looks up and asks, "Ma'am, do you attest that this dog food is for an animal?"
The woman was taken aback having never been asked this before, "What?", she asks for clarification.
The cashier continued, "We're aware in this economy that many older persons on tight budgets are eating pet food to save money and we cannot condone that. I'm afraid you'll have to bring your dog in a box as proof if you want the dog food." And he then set aside the dog food and saw the next person in line.
The woman was flabbergasted but needed dog food badly, so she went back home, put her little dauchsund in a box and brought it to the grocery store. Again, the only cashier available was the same young man. She got in line with dog food and the young man said that he had to put his hand in the box and pet the dog. Once sure that the dog was real he rang up the dog food and they were on their way.
A week later the old woman needed cat food. Again she ended up in line with this cashier and again he said, "We're aware in this economy that many older persons on tight budgets are eating pet food to save money and we cannot condone that. I'm afraid you'll have to bring your cat in a box as proof if you want the cat food."
Pissed off but needing cat food, the old woman went home, put her cat in the box and brought it to the grocery store. Once again, the young cashier put his hand in the box, felt the live cat, and then rang up her cat food.
Two weeks passed and the old woman was in line once more, this time with a box prepared. The cashier was happy she would acknowledge the need for this and reached his hand in to pet the animal. Instead he found something warm and soft. He pulled his hand out horrfiied that it was stained brown.
"Can I buy this toilet paper now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6buw8l/an_old_woman_goes_to_the_grocery_store/
%
I had a row with my boss at lunchtime

Perks of working near a boating lake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6buuga/i_had_a_row_with_my_boss_at_lunchtime/
%
I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, "Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6buu91/i_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_with_a_piece_of_lettuce/
%
People who work in coin factories sure are lucky.

They make a lot of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6busjy/people_who_work_in_coin_factories_sure_are_lucky/
%
What is Princess Leia's favourite porn category?

Solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bun5s/what_is_princess_leias_favourite_porn_category/
%
Is it too late for Mother's Day

1.     My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."
2.  My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4.  My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5.  My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6.  My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7.  My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9.  My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA  ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about  WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20.  My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my  ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite:
25.  My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"
But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all time favorite!!
My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bun0t/is_it_too_late_for_mothers_day/
%
A man is looking for a parking space

Everywhere he looks, it seems as if every single space has been taken. Though never much of a church goer, the man looks up to the sky and says, "God, if you give me a parking space, I promise I'll stop sinning and go to church." Suddenly, a parking space opens up right in front of him.
"Never mind. I found one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6buj3w/a_man_is_looking_for_a_parking_space/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bua9b/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
Did you know that deer balls are really cheap?

You can get two just under a buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bu0tb/did_you_know_that_deer_balls_are_really_cheap/
%
Turns out Trump just got confused

He made the swamp great again and drained America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btz87/turns_out_trump_just_got_confused/
%
What is it called when an alligator can't get an erection?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btuxj/what_is_it_called_when_an_alligator_cant_get_an/
%
Lady in labour shouting the usual shit.

"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btumu/lady_in_labour_shouting_the_usual_shit/
%
A young girl returns home from school one day.....

and informs her parents that she is pregnant.
Her father immediately demands that the father of the child comes to the house so he can give him "the beating of his life".
5mins later, a Ferrari pulls up outside, and out steps this guy dressed in an expensive suit, sunglasses etc (you get the picture).
The daughter introduces him as the father of the child, and he immediately recognises the fact hes about to get "the beating of his life".
He assertively explains to the father "Sir, I am an extremely wealthy man, with many businesses and hundreds of millions in the bank.  I will offer your daughter financial security for the rest of her life, and the child will also be secure.  If its a girl, then I will create a business empire for her in a business of her choice.  If its a boy, then I will have him as my right hand man and will eventually take over my business empire.  If its twins, then everything will be shared equally.  However, there is one issue I have not yet considered, and that is what to do if there are complications during the pregnancy and something unfortunate happens to the child, I honestly dont know what to do in that situation".
The father exclaims "then you sleep with her again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bttvf/a_young_girl_returns_home_from_school_one_day/
%
I named my right fist "Attention."

Now my wife has finally stopped asking for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bttmb/i_named_my_right_fist_attention/
%
Mom, dad, daughter and the dildo

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, " I am surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btrv0/mom_dad_daughter_and_the_dildo/
%
A small boy walks in on his parents having sex...

...he asks his parents what are they doing:
"We're making your sister "
"Do her doggy style, i want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btqx1/a_small_boy_walks_in_on_his_parents_having_sex/
%
So, my penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records....

....until the librarian asked me to take it out and leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btqum/so_my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world/
%
Did you know Stevie Wonder was black?

He didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btqna/did_you_know_stevie_wonder_was_black/
%
I told my sister she drew her eyebrows too high today

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btpev/i_told_my_sister_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too_high/
%
What type of beer makes Canadians use the the bathroom the most?

IPA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btpcv/what_type_of_beer_makes_canadians_use_the_the/
%
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar

Bacon and eggs walks into a bar and they order some beers. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
A beer walks into a breakfast place and orders bacon and eggs. The server says, "Sorry we don't serve alcoholic drinks here"
A bartender runs into bacon and eggs and orders a bar. The breakfast says, "Sorry we're done with this stupid joke formula."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btots/bacon_and_eggs_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btoez/i_was_on_a_blind_date_with_this_girl/
%
So I took my girlfriend's virginity and her father found out

It went a bit like this
Father: I can't believe you two did that! You're supposed to stay pure until marriage!
Me: I'm very sorry sir. I assure you it will never happen again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btob9/so_i_took_my_girlfriends_virginity_and_her_father/
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The Big Pizza Place

There was once this really big pizza place, so big that each job was assigned to one person; one person put the pizza in the oven, one guy put on the toppings, and so forth. Well there was this one guy who worked by pushing his hands into the dough and making sure that it was the right shape. Day in and day out this guy hit and pushed into the dough. But one day he went to work and there was no dough for him to work with! So he sat there, not knowing who to call or what to do. Well eventually all of those pizzas started to back up and no one was getting any of their orders, so the manager came back into the room and looked around. Immediately he noticed the guy standing there not doing anything, so he walked up to him and he said, "You! Tell me your occupation and why you're not working!"
And the guy looked at him, shrugged, and said "I kneed dough"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btnb3/the_big_pizza_place/
%
There are so many starving children in the world,

I don't understand why the police made such a big deal about the ones in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btlff/there_are_so_many_starving_children_in_the_world/
%
When Canada takes over the world...

Everyone will be sorry.
(As I am for this joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btj70/when_canada_takes_over_the_world/
%
What do you call a poor Italian community?

Spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bthkh/what_do_you_call_a_poor_italian_community/
%
original me and a friend created!

A: Knock Knock!
B: who's there?
A: a communist
B: a communist who?
A: stop Stalin, and open the door!
*opens the door*
A: thanks for Lenin me in!
i think i made this up, but if somebody already made this up, oh well then!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bthj8/original_me_and_a_friend_created/
%
I made my wife scream during sex last night

She walked into our daughter's room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btgs6/i_made_my_wife_scream_during_sex_last_night/
%
A preacher at a church in Chicago...

...has almost reached the end of his sermon. Before he finishes, he tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It will tie into my sermon" A week quickly passes. The preacher calmly walks the pulpit, looks out and asks "Show of hands, how many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" One person slowly  raises their hand.  Then another and then another.  Soon, everyone has raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me begin my sermon on lying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btf17/a_preacher_at_a_church_in_chicago/
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It's not so funny when it’s your mom is it?

One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parent’s room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it’s your mom is it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btf0b/its_not_so_funny_when_its_your_mom_is_it/
%
I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btdol/im_60_days_clean_now/
%
A rich man and a poor man meet every year at Christmas.

A rich man and poor man became friends and would meet every Christmas Eve to catch up. During one meet the rich guy tells the poor man what he got his wife.
Rich Guy: I got my wife a Ferrari Dino and a 5 carat diamond ring. She's always wanted a classic Ferrari and diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Poor Guy: That nice man. I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo.
Rich Guy: A dildo? How does that go with slippers?
Poor Guy: Well if she doesn't like the slippers then she could go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btdj0/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_meet_every_year_at/
%
Do you know about the soldier who survived pepper spray and mustard gas?

He's a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btd4u/do_you_know_about_the_soldier_who_survived_pepper/
%
Why are there no WalMarts in Afghanistan?

They're all targets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btc7h/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_afghanistan/
%
Why did the mushroom go to the party?

'Cos he's a fungi!
Why didn't he get in?
There wasn't mushroom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btc5e/why_did_the_mushroom_go_to_the_party/
%
Why do all the ladies love Jesus?

(Stretches arms out wide)
Because he was hung like this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btbcs/why_do_all_the_ladies_love_jesus/
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My friends made fun of me because they found out that my girlfriend is imaginary...

Jokes on them, they're imaginary too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6btarc/my_friends_made_fun_of_me_because_they_found_out/
%
An armless man walks into a bar

which is empty except for the bartender.
He orders a drink and when he has been served, asks  the bartender if  he would mind getting the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliges.
Next  the man asks  if  the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender holds the glass until the man finishes  his drink.
The man then asks  if  the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender does it and comments that it must be very difficult  to have  no  arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for  you. The man says, ‘Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where’s the toilet?’ The bartender quickly replies, ‘The closest one is in the service station three blocks down the  street.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bta6z/an_armless_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I tried rocking my daughter to sleep

She's not a big fan of Led Zeppelin, apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bt3dm/i_tried_rocking_my_daughter_to_sleep/
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I started seeing this incredibly beautiful girl.

But then my psychiatrist readjusted my meds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bt1la/i_started_seeing_this_incredibly_beautiful_girl/
%
Know why wives close their eyes during sex with their husbands

Because they can't stand to see them enjoy themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bt0g8/know_why_wives_close_their_eyes_during_sex_with/
%
A British man, a French man, a Spanish man, and a German man are walking through the streets when they see a performer.

The performer asks if the can all see him.
They respond, "Yes" "Oui" "Si" "Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bsxya/a_british_man_a_french_man_a_spanish_man_and_a/
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A Russian Lieutenant

stands on the edge of a high cliff with his troops. The lieutenant looks down and then points to a soldier.
-You there! Come here to the cliff edge, extend your right hand to the side and jump down.
The lieutenant watches as the soldier obeys his command and falls down. He commands the next soldier in line:
-You there! Come here to the edge, extend your left leg and your left arm forward and jump down.
Again, the lieutenant closely watches as the soldier falls, pauses for a moment to think and commands the next one in line.
-You there! Come here to the edge, lie down, lift your right leg up and roll down.
A General passing by notices what's going on and storms to the scene:
-Lieutenant Vasiliyev! How many fucking times do I have to tell you that you can't play Tetris at work!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bsvoy/a_russian_lieutenant/
%
A man and a monkey

A man found a monkey by the side of the road, but he didn't know what to do with it. When he got home with the monkey he asked his neighbour:
-What should I do with this monkey?
-Take it to the zoo, the neighbor answered.
-That's a good idea, I'll do that tomorrow.
The next day the neighbour saw the man come home again with the monkey.
-You didn't take it to the zoo?
-Yeah, I did. Next week we're going to Disneyland!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bstrf/a_man_and_a_monkey/
%
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?

The outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bsthi/which_side_of_the_chicken_has_more_feathers/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs.
Still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no dick?
Still no fucking idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bsre7/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
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Have you heard of Murphy's Law?

"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."
Have you heard of Cole's Law?
It's thinly sliced cabbage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bsr1d/have_you_heard_of_murphys_law/
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A penguin has car trouble

A penguin’s driving down the highway when his engine starts sputtering and smoking. He gets off at the next exit and finds the nearest garage. The penguin proceeds to tell the mechanic what happened and the mechanic says “Give me 10 minutes to look at it to see if I can find the problem.”
The penguin notices an ice cream shop across the street. Because he has to waste a little time, the penguin goes over and gets himself an ice cream cone. Given that penguins just have those little flippers, eating the cone proves to be a little messier than for a normal person.
But the penguin finishes his cone and heads back to the garage. He finds the mechanic and asks, “Did you find out what’s wrong?”
The mechanic looks at the penguin and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin wipes off his face and says, “Oh, no, that’s just the ice cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bslrr/a_penguin_has_car_trouble/
%
Apparently Jesus had a dog...

It was a cross breed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bsh5a/apparently_jesus_had_a_dog/
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Christmas

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box. The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.
"What the fuck is this?" she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man's lap.
"What?" the man responds. "You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bsezm/christmas/
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Summer weather is like a terrible dating profile...

"24 but feels like 36."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bsdfm/summer_weather_is_like_a_terrible_dating_profile/
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Someone sneezes during a communist party meeting.

Stalin jumps up and shouts "Who just sneezed?"  But nobody answers him, as the party members know his wrath and quickness to act all to well.
Soon Stalin pulls out his pistol and takes a shot, killing a random party member instantly.  "Who sneezed, damn you all!"  Yet still there is no answer.
So he readies himself to fire again, and another party member falls to the ground.  He is about to demand an answer once more when a young communist falls to his knees, sobbing uncontrollably.  "It was me, have mercy, have mercy!"  Stalin turns to look at the boy at his feet.
"Bless you, comrade!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bsbca/someone_sneezes_during_a_communist_party_meeting/
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I'm going to end my life the way I started

Naked, Confused and Covered head to toe in my own shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bsatb/im_going_to_end_my_life_the_way_i_started/
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Great men and women can be found in all corners of the Earth.

Unfortunately, the Earth is round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bsa9j/great_men_and_women_can_be_found_in_all_corners/
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Do you know why Elton John plays the piano?

Because he sucks on the organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bs95l/do_you_know_why_elton_john_plays_the_piano/
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Several deranged individuals were caught attempting to scale the White House fence today...

Fortunately they were caught before they were able to reach the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bs7el/several_deranged_individuals_were_caught/
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What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bs764/what_concert_costs_45_cents/
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Somebody stole my mood ring...

I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bs6rf/somebody_stole_my_mood_ring/
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Did you hear the one about Seth Rich?

If you're on Reddit, then probably not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bs3g0/did_you_hear_the_one_about_seth_rich/
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Why are blonde jokes always so short?

So the people who like to tell them can remember them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bs2gw/why_are_blonde_jokes_always_so_short/
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How does Ronald McDonald introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bs20d/how_does_ronald_mcdonald_introduce_his_wife/
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A Viagra shipment was stolen.

The cops are looking for hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bs1h7/a_viagra_shipment_was_stolen/
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Why wont the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bs021/why_wont_the_republicans_impeach_trump/
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What do you call the security guards that work at the Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bryp8/what_do_you_call_the_security_guards_that_work_at/
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My wife just opened my car door for me

It would have been a nice gesture, had we not been driving 70 MPH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6brwu0/my_wife_just_opened_my_car_door_for_me/
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A blind girl told me I had a big penis...

But she was just pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6brwbx/a_blind_girl_told_me_i_had_a_big_penis/
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I Don't talk about myself

It's one of the best things about me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6brvaz/i_dont_talk_about_myself/
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I was at the airport security and there was a sign that read...

"Federal law prohibits the making of any jokes on airplane highjacking and bombing."
I stopped and told the officer that you don't have to worry about me, I take my bombs very seriously.
My hearing is next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6brsb8/i_was_at_the_airport_security_and_there_was_a/
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A group of satanists have a meeting when one sneezes.

Then it got really awkward when someone said "God bless you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6brmn3/a_group_of_satanists_have_a_meeting_when_one/
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The wife caught me fapping...

to a sexy shower scene in a porno. She banned me from watching The Boy in The Striped Pyjamas after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6brlt1/the_wife_caught_me_fapping/
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Taking relationship advice from family is like anal..

.. At first it hurts and is confusing.
But in the end you appreciate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6brl37/taking_relationship_advice_from_family_is_like/
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One day Canada will conquer the world.

Everybody will be sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6brg2k/one_day_canada_will_conquer_the_world/
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Why was the 89 degree angle not trusted

He's never right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6brfqn/why_was_the_89_degree_angle_not_trusted/
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"You're the bomb"

A compliment in USA.
An argument in the Middle East.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6brehs/youre_the_bomb/
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What's the difference in an Italian Nativity

An Italian nativity has Mary, Joseph, baby Jesus, and a couple of wise guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6brczy/whats_the_difference_in_an_italian_nativity/
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Tried to catch fog today...

Mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6brb9y/tried_to_catch_fog_today/
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If a clothes designer had a child...

Would it have designer genes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6br5d3/if_a_clothes_designer_had_a_child/
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[NSFW] Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a night.

Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6br3yj/nsfw_build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a/
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There's nothing quite as enjoyable as the sound of a child's laughter

unless of course it's 3am and you don't have kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6br3mu/theres_nothing_quite_as_enjoyable_as_the_sound_of/
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I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car.

When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bqxvp/i_remember_once_when_my_dad_gave_me_money_to_pay/
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Want to make your computer run faster?

Just paint it black, it may quit working, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bqxjf/want_to_make_your_computer_run_faster/
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A Jewish comedian was doing a special on dick jokes

They were 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bqsf0/a_jewish_comedian_was_doing_a_special_on_dick/
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A banker decided to get his first tailor made suit.....

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bqq0k/a_banker_decided_to_get_his_first_tailor_made_suit/
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Why did the 3 year old African child cry?

He was going through a mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bqoub/why_did_the_3_year_old_african_child_cry/
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Did you hear about the new Swastika Fidget spinners?

They really help you concentrate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bqmx3/did_you_hear_about_the_new_swastika_fidget/
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Gambling With the IRS

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Ralph asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side and not get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants. Although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he gets urine all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over an IRS official’s desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bqgt6/gambling_with_the_irs/
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Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates

It won't last very long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bqcdb/mama_always_said_life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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What is your Tongue's Best Friend?

Its tasteBUDS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bqcao/what_is_your_tongues_best_friend/
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Help with homework...

Billy comes home from school, and tells his dad he learned new words in class. Billy needs help understanding the definition of Optimistically  and Realistically. His dad tells Billy to ask his mom, sister, and brother if they would have sex with a man for 10 million dollars.
Billy runs off to find his mother doing laundry and asks her the question she blurts out with little thought yes. He asks his sister the same question and she said yes with no thought. He asks his brother and after a couple of minutes of serious thought he says yes
Billy returns to his dad with their answers. His dad tells him.
"Optimistically we live with three millionaires, but realistically we live with two sluts and a faggot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bqbgn/help_with_homework/
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My pan-sexual partner is upset with me...

They caught me with a pot in the kitchen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bq98d/my_pansexual_partner_is_upset_with_me/
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[Long] Blonde girl comes home from school

A blonde girl comes home from school today and tells her mother that she was the only one in class to be able to recite the alphabet as far as the letter 'Q'. Her mother smiles and says, ' Well, that's because you're blonde'. The girl continues and tells her that in Math class, she was the only one who could count as high as 25. Again, her mother smiles and repeats, 'Well, that's because you're blonde'. Feeling good, the girl continues and says that during gym class, while she was changing, she noticed that she had the biggest breasts of all of the girls in her class. The girl then asks, 'Is that because I'm blonde?' To which the mother replied, 'No dear, it's because you're 16 and still in 2nd grade.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bq8wn/long_blonde_girl_comes_home_from_school/
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I broke some letters off my keyboard last night

My mood just shifted, there was no escape. I honestly just lost control. I need to alt-er these episodes of mine, these repair bills are building up quite a tab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bq8t1/i_broke_some_letters_off_my_keyboard_last_night/
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2 Original depressed baker jokes

Did you hear about the depressed baker who threw himself into his own oven?
Colleagues said it was a final act of self-loafing.
Did you hear about the depressed baker who went on a killing spree?
Witnesses said he came out all buns glazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bq6g9/2_original_depressed_baker_jokes/
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I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey

but then I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bq55i/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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I've only been in jail 5 minutes, and I've already been anally penetrated twice.

I fucking hate playing monopoly with my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bq3z5/ive_only_been_in_jail_5_minutes_and_ive_already/
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My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bq2uu/my_dad_and_i_play_hide_and_seek_a_lot_to_beat/
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What did one frog say to the other?

Time is fun when you are having flies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bq1z1/what_did_one_frog_say_to_the_other/
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So what's your idea of a perfect date?

\- DD/MM/YYYY, I find other formats a bit confusing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bq1ik/so_whats_your_idea_of_a_perfect_date/
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Which Pokemon will never give you up?

A Rick Gastly!
Hey jokers, it's my first post here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bq1g8/which_pokemon_will_never_give_you_up/
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A snake walks into a bar...

And the bartender says "how did you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bpued/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a circle of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bpu99/what_do_you_call_a_circle_of_100_bills/
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DUMB BLONDE

A dumb blond was tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
“Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!”
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
“If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?”
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, “157.”
The farmer was amazed – she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
“If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bpt2u/dumb_blonde/
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What's the only animal with an ass hole in the middle of his back?

A Police Horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bpsko/whats_the_only_animal_with_an_ass_hole_in_the/
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A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
he paid her a large sum of money
if she would go to Italy to have the child.
If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how
he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete,
he told her to mail him a postcard,
and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later,
he came home to his confused wife. "Honey,"
she said,
"you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me
and I'll explain it later,"
he said.
The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband
read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bpqno/a_wealthy_man_was_having_an_affair_with_an/
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Maybe if we all email the Constitution to each other...

The NSA will finally read it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bpoo3/maybe_if_we_all_email_the_constitution_to_each/
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bpngk/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
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We'll be friends until we're old and senile

Then we'll be new friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bpki8/well_be_friends_until_were_old_and_senile/
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A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa

A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, as he does not like to socialize with the general population, so he ventures deep into the African wilderness and stumbles onto a very friendly African tribe.
The Tribe welcomes him, but are a little cautious as they have never seen a human with as light of skin as he has.
The man falls in love with the tribe, and ends up teaching them about different cultures, the English language, etc.
The man also becomes quite good friends with the tribe chief, as he and the chief have much more in common than they both would have ever imagined.
A year passes, and the chief is getting suspicious of the white mans plans for being out in the wilderness for so long, and starts to question his antics.
The chiefs wife gets pregnant.
The chief thinks nothing of it, as he loves his wife and sleeps with her regularly,  until nine months later when the baby is born, and has the same pale skin as this strange white man.
The chief becomes furious, as he thinks the white man had slept with his wife, and asks to speak with him in private far from the rest of the tribe. He takes him to the edge of their village near a sheep pasture, where it is peaceful, yet quiet.
The chief brings up his concern for his child being white, and explains to him that it isn't possible for the child to be white and be his son, as the man is the first human they have ever seen to be white. The chief has many children, all as dark as he is.
Furious, the chief threatens to banish the man, as he is convinced the man had a child with his wife, but offers the man a chance for an explanation as to why the child isn't his.
The white man thinks for a minute, and looks out onto the sheep pasture. He notices that all the sheep are white, except one of them, who is black.
The man uses this example of the sheep, claiming that in nature, there is always a "black sheep", and sometimes, no matter how all the others look, one comes out looking different than the rest. There wasn't a black sheep to impregnate a white sheep, to make it black, it just happens sometimes.
The chief listens to this explanation, and makes his decision.
The chief says, "I won't tell the others about the baby, if you keep your mouth shut about the sheep"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bpinv/a_white_man_visits_a_rural_tribe_in_africa/
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What do you call a hot Indian?

A Bomb Bae

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bpih9/what_do_you_call_a_hot_indian/
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What did the left butt cheek tell the right butt cheek?

If we stick together....we can stop this shit.
(Not sure if a repost but the search engine on Reddit says it's not one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bphdb/what_did_the_left_butt_cheek_tell_the_right_butt/
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Have you tried Nigerian food?

Yeah, neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bpc2n/have_you_tried_nigerian_food/
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I peed in the shower once

The manager of Home Depot kicked me out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bpbgw/i_peed_in_the_shower_once/
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Last night I was laying in bed for hours watching the stars pass when I suddenly thought...

Where the hell has my roof gone?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bp99p/last_night_i_was_laying_in_bed_for_hours_watching/
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Eat Your Broccoli

Little Johnny is having dinner with his family. He's eating everything except broccoli. His dad notices it and says, "Johnny, if you eat your broccoli, your pee-pee will grow big." Suddenly, Mom turns around and gives Dad a big slap.
Dad: What was that for?
Mom: For not eating your broccoli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bp7p8/eat_your_broccoli/
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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.

The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bp6ga/an_italian_a_scotsman_and_a_chinese_fellow_were/
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A prostitute? Awesome!!!

Irish Prostitute
Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a  line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat,  title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for  ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the  country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bp4sr/a_prostitute_awesome/
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I have bathed in the blood of virgins...

Well, I had a nose bleed in the bath this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bp4lt/i_have_bathed_in_the_blood_of_virgins/
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Warning! A young lady is on the prowl flashing her breasts at young men and inviting them for sex. Be careful!

It's a booby trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bp3rr/warning_a_young_lady_is_on_the_prowl_flashing_her/
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Why is Sean Spicer moving to Australia?

He's gotten really good at roaming around the bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bp3jt/why_is_sean_spicer_moving_to_australia/
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Where did all the Cyber security consultants go for the last few days?

They ransomware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bp0x7/where_did_all_the_cyber_security_consultants_go/
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Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?

Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bovjd/do_you_know_how_to_confuse_a_coal_miner/
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right by the beach ... [long] [slightly nsfw]

So I'm at the beach with my buddy, on Vancouver Island. We're just sitting on the rocks smoking some joints, meanwhile down on the sand there's girls in bikinis laying on their towels getting some sun.  We see this guy walking along the beach talking to the girls.
He's wearing a big colorful Jamaican rasta hat and has this huge ridiculous red feather in his left hand.  As he approaches each of the girls on the beach he says something to them.  The girls kind of shrug awkwardly and he moves along to the next girl or they stand right up, go into the bushes with him, and then come back in a few minutes and resume sunbathing.
Eventually he gets close enough that we can hear the conversation. He strolls up to a group of three girls. He says to the first girl "Hey... me tickle your clit with me feather?" and the girl, a little taken aback, says  "I'm sorry what did you say?" the guy says  "Typical Island weather!"  and the girl just kind of smiles at him awkwardly.
He walks up to the second girl and says "Hey! Me tickle your clit with me feather?" now this girl is just aghast and disgustedly says "What the fuck did you just say to me?" and the guy smiles and says "Typical Island weather!" The girl thinks about that for a second and says "Oh yeah I suppose so..."
Then he walks up to the third girl and says "Hey, me tickle your clit with me feather?" the girl squints her eyes at him for a moment then laughs, smiles, says "Yeah sure!"
They go off into the bushes for a few minutes when they come out the girl goes and sits back down on her towel satisfied and the guy keeps walking down the beach. Then this other guy walks up to him. Big fucking Australian guy.
He says "Oi mate! I seen what just happened there... tell me your secret!"
So the guy with the feather says "First, simply say your line on the ladies. Then, if she doesn't like it just make a comment about the weather!"
The Australian guy says "Alright alright.." and walks over to a girl laying in the sand.
He says "Oi! I want to fuck you SO HARD!"
The girl is shocked and says "Excuse me?! What the fuck?!" and the Australian guy grins and says "LOOKS LIKE RAIN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bovgi/right_by_the_beach_long_slightly_nsfw/
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Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

Multiplication in biology means reproduction, which is microscopically accomplished by cell division.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bosra/biology_is_the_only_science_in_which/
%
Asians are sooo bad at driving....

I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bor8t/asians_are_sooo_bad_at_driving/
%
I wish my lawn was emo...

So it would just cut itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6boogl/i_wish_my_lawn_was_emo/
%
My Muslim co-worker brought a CD copy of the Quran into work today…

He got really annoyed when I asked if I could burn a copy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bolyk/my_muslim_coworker_brought_a_cd_copy_of_the_quran/
%
My maths teacher never goes outside

I can tell, cos there's no sin of his tan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bok74/my_maths_teacher_never_goes_outside/
%
What did the physics teacher say when meditating?

"Ohmmmmmmmm"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bojtp/what_did_the_physics_teacher_say_when_meditating/
%
What's the best way of determining who loves you more - your wife or your dog?

Lock them both in your car, unlock it after 4 hours and see which one is happy to see you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6boh17/whats_the_best_way_of_determining_who_loves_you/
%
When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend

But then I saw the next two letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bofa5/when_i_noticed_hi_in_the_alphabet_i_thought_i_had/
%
When a donkey is angry in traffic, what does he do?

He honks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bodlt/when_a_donkey_is_angry_in_traffic_what_does_he_do/
%
What is 4 inches long and expands when there's a women in a running shower?

A sponge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6boc0v/what_is_4_inches_long_and_expands_when_theres_a/
%
A hillbilly was maried happily with his wife, untill one day he rushed into a divorce lawyer office.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and a nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It's made o' concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have a carport.
I mean what are your relations like? All my relations still in Louisiana.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have a hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? No, I always get up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? No, but the baby is, that's why I want the divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6boapn/a_hillbilly_was_maried_happily_with_his_wife/
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What is long, wide, hard and has cum in it?

Cucumber!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bo997/what_is_long_wide_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
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My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bo8j8/my_therapist_told_me_my_narcissism_causes_me_to/
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How do you spot a Jewish paedophile in Thailand?

He brings his own kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bo8hh/how_do_you_spot_a_jewish_paedophile_in_thailand/
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I try to reassure everyone I meet, Republican or Democrat alike - the cost of replacing Trump is actually not that high.

It is only 1 Pence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bo7wu/i_try_to_reassure_everyone_i_meet_republican_or/
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant...

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bo7lp/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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Glasses

"How much do you weigh?"
"Precisely 75 kg when I'm wearing my glasses."
"What about when you are not wearing your glasses?"
"No idea. Can't see shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bo7gu/glasses/
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Fat girls are like mopeds

They are fun until your friends know you are riding one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bo5tq/fat_girls_are_like_mopeds/
%
Why do mermaids wear seashell bras?

Because the B-shell bras were too small and the D-shell bras were too big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bo41g/why_do_mermaids_wear_seashell_bras/
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What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??

Shrekspeare!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bo2rs/what_would_you_call_an_ogre_who_can_write_and/
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How Much Will Trump's Assassination Insurance Cost

One Pence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bo23y/how_much_will_trumps_assassination_insurance_cost/
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Why do blondes have bruises around their belly buttons?

Apparently blond guys aren't too smart either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bnyi6/why_do_blondes_have_bruises_around_their_belly/
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If I kill someone durng a spelling bee contest...

can the judge use that in a sentence?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bnsom/if_i_kill_someone_durng_a_spelling_bee_contest/
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Fat people are harder to kidnap

But skinny people are worth less at the meat market

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bnsi4/fat_people_are_harder_to_kidnap/
%
My girlfriend’s parents are very religious…

The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.
It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bns8h/my_girlfriends_parents_are_very_religious/
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Where does Justin Timberlake take his holidays in Russia ?

Crimea River

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bnr32/where_does_justin_timberlake_take_his_holidays_in/
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The disappearance of Joseph Haydn

Dissatisfied with the Christianity of Europe in 1800's, the composer Franz Joseph Haydn turned his eye to the religions of the east, and after much soul searching, he converted to Sikhism late in his life.
It would be the last thing he did.
Official reports say that after his conversion, the composer mysteriously vanished and was never seen again.
In honour of this great musician, the people of Haydn's native Austria invented a game to be played to commemorate him, a game which became so popular, it spread across the world and remains an enduring classic to this day.
That game, of course, is Haydn Sikh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bnmce/the_disappearance_of_joseph_haydn/
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Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bnloe/should_i_be_concerned_that_this_tomato_was/
%
I dreamt that I had to write my own epitaph...

... That's a grave sign.
(I made up this joke and I nope no-one else has done it before me.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bni2d/i_dreamt_that_i_had_to_write_my_own_epitaph/
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adults make better fighters than infants

yet more battles are won by infantry than adultery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bnhc3/adults_make_better_fighters_than_infants/
%
Holiday rocks

Holidays in Amsterdam:  have sex and get stoned.
Holidays in Saudi Arabia: have sex and get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bnham/holiday_rocks/
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The first time I bought a universal remote I thought to myself

"This changes everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bndlr/the_first_time_i_bought_a_universal_remote_i/
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An old man walks into a bar

and asks  for a bottle of 40-year-old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of  10-year-old Scotch  and  figures that  the man won’t be able to tell the difference. The man downs the Scotch and says, ‘This Scotch is only 10  years old!  I specifically asked for 40-year-old Scotch.’
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar, pulls out a bottle of 20-year-old Scotch, and pours the man a shot. The man drinks  it  down  and says, ‘That was 20year-old  Scotch. I asked for 40-year-old Scotch.’
So the bartender goes into the back room, brings out a bottle of 30-year-old Scotch, and pours the man a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around  the man and is  watching  anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the man states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original  request for 40-year-old Scotch. The bartender can hold  off no  longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime 40-year-old Scotch.
Soon, the bartender returns with  the bottle and pours a shot. The man downs the Scotch and says, ‘Now this is 40-year-old Scotch!’ The crowd applauds his discriminating  palate.
An old drunk, who had been watching the proceedings with  interest, raises  a full  shot  glass of his own and says,  ‘Here, take a swig of this.’ The man takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the floor.  ‘My God!  That  tastes like piss,’ he yells. ‘Great guess,’ says the drunk. ‘Now, how old am I?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bnd3p/an_old_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A heavily injured man is laying bleeding in the floor.

Two rookie paramedics, Jay and Bill, are the first responders and rush to his side.
"Shit, there's so much blood, what do we do?" Says Jay.
"I don't know, I've never done this in practice before, I've only ever went by the book." Bill replies.
"Well, what does it say in the book!?"
"It says here to apply pressure."
"Ok" says Jay as he turns to the patient, "Mate, if you don't stop bleeding, you're gonna fucking die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bn9qn/a_heavily_injured_man_is_laying_bleeding_in_the/
%
A scrawny little man walks into a bar

wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. The bartender is the strongest man around and there is a long-standing $1000 bet among the patrons.
The bartender will squeeze a lemon until all the juice runs into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who can squeeze one more drop of juice out wins the money. Many people have
tried over time but nobody can do it.
‘I’d like to try the bet,’ the little man says in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter has died down, the bartender grabs a lemon and squeezes away. He hands the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turns to total silence as the man clenches his fist around the lemon and six drops fall into the glass.
As the crowd cheers, the bartender pays
the $1000 and asks the little man what he does for a living. Is he a lumberjack,
or a weightlifter, or what?
‘I work for the tax office.’ said him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bn97q/a_scrawny_little_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A Doctor tries to con an Engineer

There was an Engineer who was unemployed for a very long time. Being unable to find any kind of work, he decided to open up a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside the clinic that said "We guarantee we can find a cure for your ailment, for the price of $500. If we fail to do so, we will compensate you with $1,000"
A Doctor walked by the clinic one day, had his attention caught by the sign and thought this was a prime opportunity to make $1,000. With a small grin on his face, he entered the clinic and was assigned an appointment almost immediately.
Walking into the Engineer's office with a small grin on his face, the Doctor took a seat. The Engineer turned to the Doctor and asked "So, what seems to be the problem?" The Doctor, thinking that the Engineer possibly couldn't figure this one out, said "I seem to have lost my sense of taste"
The Engineer stroked his chin in thought for a while. He picked up the phone, dialed in a few digits and said "Nurse - Can you please bring in the medicine from box 43 and administer 3 drops into the patients mouth?"
A few minutes later, the nurse walks in with a small bottle and a medicine dropper. She sucks up a small bit of the liquid from the bottle and, as the Engineer commanded, let 3 drips drop into the Doctor's mouth.
Almost immediately after the 3rd drop, the Doctor let out a coughing fit while clutching his throat. After his coughs died down, he looked up angrily at the Engineer and yelled "Are you trying to kill me?! This is Gasoline! You just dribbled Gasoline into my mouth!" The Engineer gave a little grin and said "Congratulations! You've got your taste back! That will be $500 please"
The Doctor murmured furiously while rummaging around for the $500 before paying up and storming out of the clinic.
A few days later, the Doctor decided to try and recover his money but with a different plan. He visited the clinic and again, was assigned an appointment almost immediately.
The Doctor entered the Engineer's officer with a new plan in mind. "Welcome back" The Engineer said, "What can I do for you this time?"
The Doctor said "I seem to have lost my memory, I can't seem to remember anything"
The Engineer nodded while stroking his chin, in thought. After a while, he picked up the phone, dialed in a few digits and said "Nurse - Can you please bring in the medicine from box 43 and administer 3 drops into the patients mouth?"
The Doctor immediately frowned and exclaimed "Wait - Last time you ordered that box and put it in my mouth, it was Gasoline!" The Engineer put down the phone with a grin, "Congratulations! You've got your memory back! That'll be $500, please"
The Doctor, realising he had been conned again, angrily paid up the $500 and stormed off in a huff.
After a few more days, the Doctor decided to return to the clinic, this time even more determined and more aware of the tricks the Engineer would probably pull.
He visited the clinic and was, of course, assigned an appointment almost immediately. As the Doctor entered the Engineer's office, the Engineer gave a grin, knowing more easy money was about to enter his pocket.
"What a delight to see you again!" The Engineer said, maintaining a smug grin, "How can I help you today?"
The Doctor took a seat and expressed his problem: "Oh, my eyesight has become weak; I'm finding it very hard to see"
The Engineer stroked his chin in thought for a while. He leaned back on his chair as he thought of a way to solve this problem. However, this time, his grin slowly faded as the truth daunted upon him - He didn't have any medicine for this man's eyes.
After about 5 minutes of intense thought, the Engineer gave a shrug: "Well - I give up. I don't have any medicine for this condition. Please accept my sincerest apologies and this $1000 as compensation" The Engineer opened his drawer, took out an envelope full of money and handed it to the Doctor.
The Doctor was gleeful and delighted, at this point. He immediately opened the envelope and began counting through the money. After counting through the money three times, he looked up at the Engineer with a concerned look: "Hold on, this is only $500..."
The Engineer gave a smile: "Congratulations! You've got your eyesight back! That will be $500 please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bn8ii/a_doctor_tries_to_con_an_engineer/
%
Our ATMs cannot be hacked due to 2 high security protocols...

1. No cash.
2. Out of service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bn7oo/our_atms_cannot_be_hacked_due_to_2_high_security/
%
Death asked me if I wanted to hang around.

I told him I would rather shoot myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bn73u/death_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_hang_around/
%
I've learned two things in this life

The first, is to never share everything you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bn6ne/ive_learned_two_things_in_this_life/
%
What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?

A canoe tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bn5y5/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_canoe/
%
How do you stop your wife from going out?

Pour on some more Gasoline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bn5j1/how_do_you_stop_your_wife_from_going_out/
%
What's the best way to pick up a woman?

Like a bowling ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bn5ev/whats_the_best_way_to_pick_up_a_woman/
%
Every time I tell a chemistry joke

.. there's hardly a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bn24c/every_time_i_tell_a_chemistry_joke/
%
My ex wife's star sign was Cancer, quite ironic considering how she died...

...Eaten by a giant crab 🦀
Note: not my joke, not sure where I heard it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bn12s/my_ex_wifes_star_sign_was_cancer_quite_ironic/
%
Met a woman at a bar and asked her if I could smell her pussy. She said "Eww!! No!!" So I replied:

"Hmmm, then it must be your feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bmzql/met_a_woman_at_a_bar_and_asked_her_if_i_could/
%
Inventing new slang words can be easy.

Let me go take a quick Trump and I'll show you when I get back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bmvlm/inventing_new_slang_words_can_be_easy/
%
Did you hear about that kidnapping?

No? Good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bmt1n/did_you_hear_about_that_kidnapping/
%
My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records

Then the Librarian came and asked me to take it out and leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bmswb/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
Why don't clowns invest their money in the market?

They'd be the laughing stock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bmrvj/why_dont_clowns_invest_their_money_in_the_market/
%
Why will congress never impeach Trump?

Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bmr57/why_will_congress_never_impeach_trump/
%
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.
He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Squadron Leader pilot from Air Force , and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'    The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'  The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a Naval Lieutenant Commander, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.
The third interview was with an Infantryman and a commando qualified Major.
The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'
The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant officer, and he didn't mention my ears.'
He asked, 'Major, how do you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the officer replied, 'It's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f******g ears.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bmqh1/a_young_army_officer_was_severely_wounded_in_the/
%
Yo momma's so tasteless

She could be served on an airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bmocd/yo_mommas_so_tasteless/
%
Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bmlt5/why_do_riot_police_like_to_get_to_work_early/
%
I asked a Frenchman if he plays video games

He said, "Wii"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bml4o/i_asked_a_frenchman_if_he_plays_video_games/
%
A programmer and his wife...

A programmers wife asks him to go to the shop and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.
The programmer returns with one loaf of bread and twelve eggs because programmers don't act like computers unlike some others on this sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bmiol/a_programmer_and_his_wife/
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Whats the difference between my dick and my bonus?

My wife blows my bonus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bmhq8/whats_the_difference_between_my_dick_and_my_bonus/
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A millionaire dies and leaves a large sum of money to the hospital that treated him so well before death...

Upon completion of the new wing bearing his name, the widow was invited for a tour. The chief of medicine himself escorted the widow explaining the various parts of the facility as they went.
As they passed, the widow glanced into a room and gasped in shock. Through the open door she saw a patient furiously masturbating. Seeing her shock the doctor explained, "This patient has a rare disorder. He produces sperm at an alarming rate. If he doesn't relieve himself once every hour his testicles may rupture."
While the widow thought this was strange she accepted the doctors explanation. The tour continued until they passed another room this time with a nurse on her knees performing oral sex on the patient. "Oh come on, now how can you explain that!?" she exclaimed.
The doctor without blinking said, "Better Insurance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bmcp1/a_millionaire_dies_and_leaves_a_large_sum_of/
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What did my girlfriend say when she narrowly held in passing gas after having sex?

That was too close for cum fart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bmc7a/what_did_my_girlfriend_say_when_she_narrowly_held/
%
Did you hear about that kid who was born with no eyelids?

They made him new eyelids from his circumcision. He's fine, just a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bmbxz/did_you_hear_about_that_kid_who_was_born_with_no/
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Mickey and Minnie

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fucking goofy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bm80k/mickey_and_minnie/
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What do you call an alcoholic mailman?

De-livered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bm760/what_do_you_call_an_alcoholic_mailman/
%
I would tell a future joke but you didn't like it

(I'm not sure if this is a repost or not cause I haven't seen it on Reddit so pls no report)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bm2ts/i_would_tell_a_future_joke_but_you_didnt_like_it/
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TIL Humans are only capable of a maximum of 150 friends at one time.

Except for Dave: obviously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bm2j0/til_humans_are_only_capable_of_a_maximum_of_150/
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My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bm1ae/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
%
I've decided to take up meditation

At least I'm no longer sitting around, doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6blyjj/ive_decided_to_take_up_meditation/
%
At what age does the average 4chan user find out they're autistic?

thREEEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6blybj/at_what_age_does_the_average_4chan_user_find_out/
%
My friends and I experimented with sex in high school...

I was the control group

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6blsae/my_friends_and_i_experimented_with_sex_in_high/
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Two friends find a pit, seemingly bottomless...

They decide to throw a small stone in to see how far down the pit is. They throw it down, but they never hear it land. So, they throw an even bigger stone in, but to no avail. As they throw increasingly larger stones into the pit, they still hear nothing, and they begin to lose hope. However, as they start to walk away, they see a large railroad tie laying on the ground. They each take an end, drag it over to the pit, and drop it in. Once again, they hear nothing.
Suddenly, as they started walking away, a goat raced across the ground at an unnatural speed. It flew toward the pit, and then dropped in. The two friends were bewildered, but continued to walk away. On their way, they met a farmer. They told the farmer about the bottomless pit, and then about the goat that darted into it. The farmer, in amazement, replied, "Gee, glad it wasn't my goat. Mine's safely attached to a railroad tie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bllzy/two_friends_find_a_pit_seemingly_bottomless/
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A man rushes into the doctors' office and says "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The Doc says, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually"

To this, the man shrieks and responds "Everyone? Oh lord, what have I done?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6blll2/a_man_rushes_into_the_doctors_office_and_says/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer...

After a few minutes, he says to the bartender, " Hey, if I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you give me another beer on the house?"
"We'll see," said the bartender. "I've had a lot of nuts come in here, and I've seen some pretty amazing things in my day."
So the man pulls a hamster and a tiny piano out of his briefcase and puts them on the bar. Then the hamster begins to play Chopin.
"Not bad," said the bartender, "But I'll need to see more."
"Okay, hold on," says the man as he pulls a frog from his briefcase. Suddenly, the frog starts singing "My Way".
A patron nearby jumps up from his table and says, "That's amazing! I'll give you a thousand dollars right now for that frog."
"Sold!" says the man, who exchanges the frog for the cash.
The bartender then says to the man, "You know, it's none of my business, but I think you just gave away a real fortune in that frog."
"Not really," says the man, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6blil4/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
%
There's a homophobic monster under your bed...

That hates the monster in your closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6blgbm/theres_a_homophobic_monster_under_your_bed/
%
How was the first copper wire made?

Two Jews found the same penny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ble64/how_was_the_first_copper_wire_made/
%
Fast Sex

Dave wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl
in his office. But she was dating someone else. One day Dave got so
frustrated that he went to her and said "I'll give you $100 if you let me
have sex with you."
The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!"
Dave said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him
for $200 and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his
pants down. Then give me a call."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?"
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it
and getting screwed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bldfv/fast_sex/
%
A lesson in morals . .

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny.
"My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6blddn/a_lesson_in_morals/
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Why did Shakespeare write only in ink?

Because the pencils were confused 2B or not 2B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6blcab/why_did_shakespeare_write_only_in_ink/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a Mexican prison.

They committed a crime and have been sentenced to death. The women are instructed to say when they are ready for the firing squad to shoot and kill them. The brunette is called up. She says, "Ready, aim, tornado!" Afraid of an approaching funnel cloud, the police quickly turn around and the brunette runs away. Once regrouped, the redhead is summoned. She says, "Ready, aim, earthquake!" Fooled again, the police quickly turn around to get cover while the redhead runs away. Then it's the blonde's turn, who says, "Ready, aim, fire!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bladp/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_in_a/
%
What's the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer?

The flavor...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bl298/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_an_anal/
%
I told my son that I went to a Sarcasm Convention.

He said, "How did you find it?"
I said, "With a map."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bl28a/i_told_my_son_that_i_went_to_a_sarcasm_convention/
%
Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?

Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke.
OK, I'll hear a TCP joke.
Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.
OK, I'm ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have a setting and will end with a punchline.
I'm sorry, your connection has timed out... ...Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bkzt1/hello_would_you_like_to_hear_a_tcp_joke/
%
Two guys go to the river Nile

1: "Yo bro, lets cool off in the river"
2: "Hmm nah dude im good"
1: "Awh come on man, you aren't scared of a little water are you?"
2: "Um n-no, im not, alright lets do it"
So they both swim out into the river, but the 2nd man starts to struggle and thrash around
1: "Oh fuck, bro are you good?"
Through mouthfuls of water, the 2nd man says "yeah, fine!", but he was drowning in denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bkym8/two_guys_go_to_the_river_nile/
%
Just started a job that requires me to sew two people's anuses together

Not a dream job, but it makes ends meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bkyhj/just_started_a_job_that_requires_me_to_sew_two/
%
Since they don't get their hair cut, guys with dreads must save a lot of money

on dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bky2a/since_they_dont_get_their_hair_cut_guys_with/
%
CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.
CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.
CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.
CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.
They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bkwzz/ceos_of_carsberg_heineken_becks_and_guiness_walk/
%
What happens to eggs when they tell jokes?

They crack up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bkw2l/what_happens_to_eggs_when_they_tell_jokes/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common,

it's a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bkvmq/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
I got caught looking down a girl's top. I was so embarrassed.

I almost slipped off the toilet seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bkvii/i_got_caught_looking_down_a_girls_top_i_was_so/
%
A donut walks into a church and approaches the priest...

"Excuse me, Father," the donut says, "I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."
The priest - after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry - offers a warm smile in response. "That is truly a noble calling," he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."
"That sounds like a very involved process," the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."
"If you don't mind me asking," replies the priest, "what made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"
"Well," the donut answers, "see, it's because I'm holey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bkrqa/a_donut_walks_into_a_church_and_approaches_the/
%
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Art.
That same guy in your pool? Bob
Same guy in your hot tub? Stew
Sitting under your car that's missing a wheel? Jack
Same guy on your porch? Matt
Same guy getting hit with a baseball bat? Homer
Same guy lying in a pile of leaves? Russel
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen
Chinese girl with the same condition? Irene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bkrap/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
Thank you for explaining the definition of the word "much"

It means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bkqzl/thank_you_for_explaining_the_definition_of_the/
%
Did you know that counting is illegal in Afghanistan?

There's a Taliban

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bko2v/did_you_know_that_counting_is_illegal_in/
%
A man can't satisfy his wife in bed..

He only lasts about 5 seconds. So on the way to work one day, he stops by the doctor and tells him his problem. The doc tells him to jerk off before having sex and that should help him last longer. So the man leaves and goes to work. The wife calls him later that day at his desk and reminds him that she's horny and is going to tackle him as soon as he walks in the front door. He hangs up and panics, knowing he can't jerk off at the office because he'll get fired. So on his way home, he pulls off the side of the highway right before his exit and parks his truck. He climbs underneath and pulls his pants down to his ankles, closes his eyes,pictures his wife and starts cranking. 10 minutes go by and he feels a tap on his leg, he asks "who's there?", " Sir, it's the sheriff, can I ask you what you're doing down there? " The man replies quickly that he believes his truck is leaking oil and he's trying to fix it. The sheriff replies back: well, you may want to check your E-brake too because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bkkhp/a_man_cant_satisfy_his_wife_in_bed/
%
I went to the DIY shop

and bought a curtain rail.  The shop assistant asked if I was putting it up myself. I replied "no you dirty sod. I'm putting it up in the dining room"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bkj1o/i_went_to_the_diy_shop/
%
Where do janitors go at night?

They go to sweep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bk8za/where_do_janitors_go_at_night/
%
A fish goes into an underwater psychologist's office...

"You've got to help me, doc," the fish says. "I've never been so upset."
The psychologist - who can somehow speak and survive in the ocean - adjusts his glasses and tries to project a welcoming demeanor. "Well, I'll certainly do what I can," he says, "but first, I'll need to hear about your problem."
"It's just awful," replies the fish. "I met this amazing girl a couple of weeks ago, and we've been absolutely inseparable ever since. We've gone everywhere together, we've eaten the same food, and we even huddled in a little cave when a fishing boat went by, just keeping each other safe and comfortable. I'm telling you, doc, this girl is unbelievable, and I really think that she might be the one... but here's the terrible truth of the matter: I don't think she feels the same way. There's just this weird, intangible rift between us; something that I just can't quite define, but that I can feel. It's a sense of wrongness, you know? If she'd just say something, then maybe I'd be able to move on with my life, but every time that I bring it up, she tells me that she's just as infatuated with me as I am with her. I don't know if I'm paranoid or what, but I feel like I'm going insane. Every waking second, I feel preoccupied with this girl. I can't get the image of her out of my head: She has this long, slender body; this perfectly formed jaw, and..."
"Let me stop you there," the psychologist interrupts. "You might have an obsession, but there's nothing I can do."
"Why not?!" the fish asks.
The psychologist shrugs. "What you're describing? That's a moray."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bk8jt/a_fish_goes_into_an_underwater_psychologists/
%
I sacrificed everything to study archeology.

Now my life is in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bk75h/i_sacrificed_everything_to_study_archeology/
%
Today a guy knocked on our door and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bk5ml/today_a_guy_knocked_on_our_door_and_asked_for_a/
%
Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline..

If you are obsessive compulsive press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want..stay on the line and we'll trace your call.
If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are a nymphomaniac please stop doing that with the phone..
If you are schizophrenic listen carefully - a small voice will tell you which button to press.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bk0kj/hello_and_welcome_to_the_mental_health_hotline/
%
A man tries to get into a club

The bouncer says, "I'd like to see your id"
The man replies, "I want to drink until I black out and screw anything that walks."
The bouncer nods his head respectively, "and your superego?"
"Ill have a few drinks and get a ride home."
Cred to C&H

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bjy1v/a_man_tries_to_get_into_a_club/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bjvur/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

The first one says,
"I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.”
The second one says,
"I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.”
The third one says,
"I wanna be a boxer.”
The others look confused and ask,
"Why do you want to be a boxer?”
He proudly replies,
"So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming
in here and spitting on us.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bjrna/three_babies_in_the_womb_discuss_what_they_would/
%
After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bjqrq/after_sex_with_my_new_girlfriend_last_night_she/
%
George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview . . .

George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.
God asks Bush: “What do you believe in?”
Bush replies: “I believe in a free economy, a strong America, the American nation and so on …”
God is impressed by Bush and tells him: “Great, come sit on the chair on my right.”
God goes to Obama and asks: “What do you believe in?”
Obama replies: “I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. …”
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: “Well done, come sit on the chair on my left.”
Finally, God asks Trump: “What do you believe in”?
Trump replies: “I believe you’re sitting on my chair.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bjpm8/george_w_bush_barack_obama_and_donald_trump_are/
%
What was Hitler's favourite video game?

Mein Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bjohx/what_was_hitlers_favourite_video_game/
%
Where does a dog go when he loses his tail?

A re-tail store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bjo9n/where_does_a_dog_go_when_he_loses_his_tail/
%
Unexpected handjobs are the best...

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bjo8y/unexpected_handjobs_are_the_best/
%
Chuck Norris went to Mcdonalds

and the ice cream machine was working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bjmt8/chuck_norris_went_to_mcdonalds/
%
A 70 years oldman who has just married came to a doctor to check his sperm health.

The doctor took a jar and said "take this jar home, and return it tomorrow morning with your sperm sample inside"
On the next day, this oldman returned to the doctor and gave the jar. But the jar was still empty and no sperm at all inside it.
The doctor asked him why it's still empty and he said "Ok Doc, i tried it with my right hand but i couldnt, then i tried with my left hand, i couldnt, i even tried with both my hands and still i couldnt..then i asked my wife to try it with her right hand she failed, she even tried with her mouth but i still got no luck"
"Oh no, it's serious problem", said the doctor
"Soon, i called Betty, a young girl next door to come for helping me", the oldman continued. "In front of me and my wife, she tried with her right hand but she failed, then she tried with both her hands and she still failed, she even tried to clamp with her legs and she failed again and again".
"What??!! She did those all in front of your wife and she wasnt angry??" asked the doctor curiously
"No, she wasnt angry at all..and until this morning before i came here, Betty, my wife and i still cant open the cover of this jar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bjlen/a_70_years_oldman_who_has_just_married_came_to_a/
%
How does a Welshman find his sheep in long grass?

i r r e s i s t i b l e (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bjizu/how_does_a_welshman_find_his_sheep_in_long_grass/
%
Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 38?

Because 39 is just too many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bjio6/why_do_mormon_women_stop_having_kids_at_38/
%
Lord of the Bow

So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."
She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bjfnu/lord_of_the_bow/
%
Trump should build a wall with Hillary Clinton's emails.

Seems like the only thing people can't get over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bjc6z/trump_should_build_a_wall_with_hillary_clintons/
%
My physics teacher said I have potential...

He threw me off a building to prove it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bj96a/my_physics_teacher_said_i_have_potential/
%
I threw away my dead boomerang today...

I hope it doesn't come back to haunt me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bj942/i_threw_away_my_dead_boomerang_today/
%
What's the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bj8uq/whats_the_best_drug_to_have_sex_on/
%
Pre-2000s, gender was like flipping a coin.

Now it's like rolling a DnD dice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bj8lj/pre2000s_gender_was_like_flipping_a_coin/
%
A father and his son were walking down the street

Suddenly they see two dogs fucking and the kid turns to his father and Same, "hey dad what are those dogs doing?" The father reluctantly responds "Uh, they're making puppies, son." At the realization, the kid says "oh cool". That night, the son walks into his parents room and in on his parents having sex. The father quickly pulls the sheets over him and his wife while his son just stands there. After an awkward moment, The son finally asks, "dad, what are you doing to mom?" The father was reluctant and said "Well son, I'll tell you the truth, we're trying to make you a little brother or sister." The son says "Oh Okay, well flip her over next time, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bj7hv/a_father_and_his_son_were_walking_down_the_street/
%
The company hires a new man.

He was supposed to start work on a  Monday, but
instead of showing up, he calls his boss.  "I'm sick," he says.  Boss excuses
him.
Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly
impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss.  "I'm sick," he says.  Boss
reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.
Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week,
even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again.  "I'm sick."  Boss excuses
him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his
office.
"What gives?" asks the boss.  "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've
only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."
Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her
every Monday morning before work.  One thing leads to another and we end up
making love all day long."
"Your sister!?!" says the boss.  "That's disgusting!"
Man says, "I told you I was sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bj79z/the_company_hires_a_new_man/
%
What do you call a flower that is also a spy?

A plant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bj3oz/what_do_you_call_a_flower_that_is_also_a_spy/
%
There once was an emperor who ruled over a massive territory.

When he came in to power he passed many strange laws. The first law he passed was that in every sentence that you use the word "or" you must also have an "M" in that same sentence.
The people of his domain could do nothing to oppose this outrageous law because it was the
"M per Ors" decree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bj060/there_once_was_an_emperor_who_ruled_over_a/
%
Made the mistake of biting into some half frozen food

Realized that wasn't well thawed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bj03v/made_the_mistake_of_biting_into_some_half_frozen/
%
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bizlm/i_went_for_a_job_interview_as_a_blacksmith/
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Mental Hospital

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly veered sideways and jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna immediately jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as Edna's good deeds indicated that she was mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of a person in crisis... I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6biy7m/mental_hospital/
%
Getting your dick sucked by another man is like wearing Crocs

Feels good until you look down and realize you're gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6biwgu/getting_your_dick_sucked_by_another_man_is_like/
%
A girl was into bestality. One day her parents walked in on her, they all fell silent.

But someone had to address the elephant in the room!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6biudo/a_girl_was_into_bestality_one_day_her_parents/
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[Long] A man woke up one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree in his backyard.

A man woke up one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree in his backyard.
Not sure what to do about this he calls a local exterminator service.
The lady on the phone says, “Sure, we deal with gorilla removal all the time, I can have someone there in thirty minutes.
Thirty minutes later a man shows up at his door with a whiffle ball bat, handcuffs, a Chihuahua, and a shot gun.
The home owner is perplexed so the exterminator explains, “Well you see, I’m going to climb up the tree and start hitting the gorilla with the whiffle ball bat.  When the gorilla falls out of the tree this here Chihuahua has been specially trained to go for its private parts.  When a gorilla is attacked in the privates it will instinctively cross its arms to protect itself.  When it crosses its arms I’ll jump down from the tree and put on the handcuffs.
The homeowner says, “Wow, that’s amazing, but what is the shotgun for?”
The exterminator replies, “That’s for you, if I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bit4j/long_a_man_woke_up_one_morning_and_found_a/
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Two guys are talking at a bar

Guy One: Another Shot
Guy Two: You look down, what's the problem?
Guy One: My girlfriend gave me a blowjob under the table while my parents were over.
Guy Two: Dude, that's awesome!
Guy One: The table was glass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6biq1y/two_guys_are_talking_at_a_bar/
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How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.
One to change the lightbulb, then one to write a shitty joke about how it takes more than one person to change a lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bipi4/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Why did the blind man fall into the well

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bip9h/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
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Why did Amazon name their drone delivery service Amazon Prime Air?

Because the name Dropbox is already taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6binyf/why_did_amazon_name_their_drone_delivery_service/
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My least favorite number? Probably 288...

It's two gross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6binja/my_least_favorite_number_probably_288/
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Why did the Mexican man push his wife off of a cliff?

Tequila.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bingp/why_did_the_mexican_man_push_his_wife_off_of_a/
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Welcome to organic chemistry

Where questions like 'where do you keep your chloroform?', are no longer suspicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bimac/welcome_to_organic_chemistry/
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Godfather, Bookkeeper and the Lawyer

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bifit/godfather_bookkeeper_and_the_lawyer/
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Yo mama so fat

all her toes have their own unique zipcodes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bieiy/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
sex with me is like this joke's punchline

It's not that great

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6biaej/sex_with_me_is_like_this_jokes_punchline/
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Wow! I can't believe it's been almost a year since Harambe died. For the anniversary of his death, Cincinnati Zoo should have a sale.

Discount for Harambe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bi7n1/wow_i_cant_believe_its_been_almost_a_year_since/
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How do Americans make tea?

By throwing it in the harbour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bi556/how_do_americans_make_tea/
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How do you know who is the most extroverted mathematician?

He's the one looking at your shoes instead of his own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bi4r2/how_do_you_know_who_is_the_most_extroverted/
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My mom's french and my dad's greek

Too bad I'm a freek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bi3oz/my_moms_french_and_my_dads_greek/
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My wife is turning 32 next Monday.

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday.
“After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bi2uh/my_wife_is_turning_32_next_monday/
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What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bi175/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_cant_draw/
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I've decided to freeze myself at -273°C.

My friend thinks I'll die, but I think I'll be 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bi0oa/ive_decided_to_freeze_myself_at_273c/
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Why did the dolphin go to the Tupperwear store?

It was looking for a tight seal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhzy0/why_did_the_dolphin_go_to_the_tupperwear_store/
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My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess...

So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhwho/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_she_wanted_to_be/
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What do you call an atheist charity?

A non-prophet organisation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhvog/what_do_you_call_an_atheist_charity/
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I found a butter replacement today...

It's margarinely better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhv60/i_found_a_butter_replacement_today/
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I cant spell armegedon.

Oh well it's not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhtkn/i_cant_spell_armegedon/
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What is Donald Trump's favorite vegetable?

Leeks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhrwb/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_vegetable/
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Ghosts make the worst liars...

You can see right through them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhrl4/ghosts_make_the_worst_liars/
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Why did the blonde put her iPad in the blender?

She wanted apple juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhpt0/why_did_the_blonde_put_her_ipad_in_the_blender/
%
What's Russia's favorite dish?

Poutine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhn9z/whats_russias_favorite_dish/
%
Like Hellen Keller in an orgy,

you don't know who you're fucking with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhn0f/like_hellen_keller_in_an_orgy/
%
Have you tried North Korean food?

Neither have they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhmem/have_you_tried_north_korean_food/
%
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming... that was me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhl48/a_teenage_boy_was_delivering_papers_to_an/
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Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

Someone told her drinks were on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhk97/why_did_the_blonde_bring_a_ladder_to_the_bar/
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Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?

Atmospheric Pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhgmn/why_did_the_cloud_do_drugs_and_join_a_gang/
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Guy walks into a bar...

Guy walks into a bar and promptly orders 12 shots of the best whiskey.
As the bartender lines up the shot glasses and fills them, the man hurriedly begins downing each. With only a few shots left, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking down all these in a row buddy?" He answered, "You would be too if you had what I had." "What do you have," asked the bartender as the patron downed the last shot.
"Seventy-five cents," replied the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhghw/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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The best sword joke of all time [Long]

The Emperor of Japan was hosting a banquet and invited the best swordsmen from all over the country.
A geisha approaches a man rumored to be the third best swordsman in Japan, and asks him for a demonstration of his skill. He draws his sword and with a single slash, cuts a fly out of the air. The geisha remarks how impressive his power was.
The geisha then approaches a man rumored to be the second best swordsman in Japan, and asks for a demonstration of his skill. He draws his sword and with a single slash, cuts two flies out of the air. The geisha remarks how impressive his speed was.
The geisha finally approaches a man rumored to be the best swordsman in Japan, perhaps in the whole world, and asks for a demonstration of his skill. In a single motion, he draws his sword, makes a single slash, and resheathes his sword, but the fly moves on.
The geisha says to him "That was a very impressive technique. I am sorry that you missed."
The swordsman replies "I did not miss. That fly will have no children."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhg2i/the_best_sword_joke_of_all_time_long/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhftj/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Sisters are like cats

They get hair everywhere, think they're better than you, and eat all your food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhfsv/sisters_are_like_cats/
%
What do you call a sexually curious Eskimo?

Bi-polar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhf9z/what_do_you_call_a_sexually_curious_eskimo/
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Did you know my dick is in the Guinness Book of Records?

Well at least it was until the librarian told me to get it out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhf5c/did_you_know_my_dick_is_in_the_guinness_book_of/
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I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises

That woman blows my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhd7g/i_love_it_when_my_girlfriend_says_men_think_with/
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What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman?

You can negotiate with a terrorist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bhbvm/whats_the_difference_between_a_terrorist_and_a/
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Halloween in Jamaica

It's Halloween in Jamaica and some friends are organising a costume party. Everyone's told that the theme of the party is Moods and Feelings.
One the night itself, there's a knock on the door and when the host opens it, standing on the porch are two guys, completely naked, except for the fact that one guy has his cock buried inside a pear and the other is balls deep in a bowl of custard.
The host looks at them before asking, "Guys, what the fuck have you come dressed as??"
One of the guys smiles and says "Mon, I've come in Despair and he's fucking Disgusted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bh527/halloween_in_jamaica/
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I used to run a pro-life debate team.

No one could de-fetus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bh1dg/i_used_to_run_a_prolife_debate_team/
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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."
And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bh0uo/a_bus_full_of_nuns_falls_of_a_cliff_and_they_all/
%
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgzrs/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_name_all_the_women_ive/
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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your Mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgzfy/a_fifteen_year_old_amish_boy_and_his_father_were/
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Since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely at times

. Last night it came to a head, lying naked and horny in bed I did something I haven’t needed to do for quite a long time. I rolled over and cuddled the wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgy55/since_splitting_up_with_my_girlfriend_ive_been/
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Two priests and a rabbi compare experiences

A Catholic priest, a Protestant priest and a rabbi are competing in who's the best at their job. They agree to go to the woods, find a bear each and try to convert the bear in to their respective religions. Later they compare their experiences:
The Catholic priest begins, "When I found the bear, I preached to it and splashed holy water over it. Next week it'll participate in it's first communion."
"I found a bear by the river," the Protestant priest says. "I read it the Holy Gospel. It was so enchanted that it allowed me to baptize itself."
They both look at the rabbi that's lying on a strecher in a full-body cast. "In hindsight," he says, "it was perhaps a bad idea to start with the circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgy43/two_priests_and_a_rabbi_compare_experiences/
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A Jewish man calls the newspaper to publish an obituary notice for her wife

Shlomo: Hello, This is Shlomo, I want to publish an obituary notice for my wife Rachel.
Agent: Hello Shlomo, how shall we publish it, do you have any words in mind?
Shlomo: "Rachel is dead". That's enough.
Agent: Sir you can write more; its the same price.
Shlomo: Hmm okay, "My wife Rachel is dead."
Agent: Sir, it is the same price up to 9 words, are you sure this is enough?
..after a moment of pause
Shlomo: "My wife Rachel is dead, Ford Fiesta for Sale."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgxxm/a_jewish_man_calls_the_newspaper_to_publish_an/
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Who was the greatest prostitute in history?

Ms. Pacman. For 25 cents she swallowed balls until she died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgwu8/who_was_the_greatest_prostitute_in_history/
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My sister asked me to remove her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt."Take off my shoes."
I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
and so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgwku/my_sister_asked_me_to_remove_her_clothes/
%
A blonde and a lawyer on a long flight

A blonde is sitting next to a lawyer on a long flight. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer keeps waking her up. "Let's have a quiz," the lawyer suggests. "If I answer wrong, I'll pay you fifty euros. If you answer wrong, you pay me five."
The blonde agrees.
The lawyer goes first: "What's the distance between Earth and the Moon?"
The blonde hands the lawyer a five euros. Now it's her turn to ask: "What climbs a mountain with four legs and comes down with three?"
The lawyer is stumped. He tries to look for an answer on the internet and texts every scientist he knows, but can't come up with an answer. After several hours, he wakes the blonde up, gives her fifty euros and asks "What's the right answer?"
Without saying a word the blonde gives him a five euros and falls back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgvz3/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_on_a_long_flight/
%
Nitrogen asked Oxygen to go out on a date...

Oxygen said NO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgv74/nitrogen_asked_oxygen_to_go_out_on_a_date/
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A tempting offer

I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00".
"How much is it for one?” I asked.
"75 cents”, she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bguoc/a_tempting_offer/
%
At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old Rabbi:

“Rabbi, why do people hate Jews so much?” The Rabbi thinks for a while and says “That is an interesting question. We will all talk about it tomorrow over some vodka! Each one of you shall bring a bottle of fine vodka, so we can mix it all up in a big vessel and drink, discuss, and then the answer will be clear.” …
…
The young Jew went home and thought to himself “if everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vodka, I’ll just bring a bottle of water and no one will be the wiser.”
Next day the young Jew showed up with a vodka bottle filled with water, anxious to see what answer the Rabbi would provide to his question. The Rabbi started to pour all the vodka together in a vessel and began stirring it. The young Jew got impatient – “Please, Rabbi! What is the answer to my question? Why do people hate us so much?”
The Rabbi then filled a cup, gave it to the young Jew and said “Drink this now!”
The young Jew drank the cup and said “But this is just water!” And the Rabbi said, “and that is why the people hate us”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgujw/at_a_meeting_in_a_synagogue_a_young_jew_asked_the/
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Asphalt...

It's the word on the streets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgtds/asphalt/
%
A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

. An art critic approaches him:
-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?
-Sure.
-It's pretty much worthless.
-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgqgp/a_struggling_artist_gets_his_first_painting_in_to/
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My girlfriend is full of surprises...

I hugged her from behind and she screamed my best friend's name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgprb/my_girlfriend_is_full_of_surprises/
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A woman threatens her boyfriend

:
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgoaz/a_woman_threatens_her_boyfriend/
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Anyone that says money can't buy happiness....

Has never been divorced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgnfu/anyone_that_says_money_cant_buy_happiness/
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I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgkcj/im_seriously_thinking_about_remarrying_my_exwife/
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My friend wanted to film a porno...

But the plot had too many holes in it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bghd3/my_friend_wanted_to_film_a_porno/
%
Why do cows have long faces?

Any woman who gets her tits played with twice a day but only f***ed once a year would have a long face too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgeyg/why_do_cows_have_long_faces/
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What did the mystic say to the hot dog salesman?

Make me one with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bge9f/what_did_the_mystic_say_to_the_hot_dog_salesman/
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[Dark Humor] two girls playing in the park

Two girls play in the park, one takes wood stick and says: "my dad's is this big". The other one says: "My dad's is smaller, but it still hurts..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bgdsu/dark_humor_two_girls_playing_in_the_park/
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"Allegedly Trump gave Russians intelligence "

I wonder how much he had in the first place and how much he is left with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bg8gq/allegedly_trump_gave_russians_intelligence/
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Chuck Norris once took a lie detector test

The machine confessed everything﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bg6wz/chuck_norris_once_took_a_lie_detector_test/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

he said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bg4rw/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_there/
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Inflation

Three generations of prostitutes are all living in one house. One day the daughter prostitute comes home.
"I just got $40 for a blowjob!" she says.
"Thats ridiculous!" says the mother prostitute, "back in my day I only got $20 dollars for a blowjob!"
The grandmother prostitute pipes up and says "$20?! back in my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bg2m8/inflation/
%
I found a lion in my wardrobe and asked him what he was doing there.

He said,"Narnia business"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bg2m6/i_found_a_lion_in_my_wardrobe_and_asked_him_what/
%
A woman goes to the doctor asking if there's anything he can do about her wrinkles

Doc: There is a new procedure we can try, it involves putting a little key behind your ear and every time you see a wrinkle appear you turn the key and it tightens and lifts the skin.
Woman: Sounds good I'll have the surgery.
The woman has the operation and about 6 months later she's back at the doctors.
Woman: The key works great but I've got big bags under my eyes.
Doc: Those aren't bags they're your breasts.
Woman: oh that would also explain my beard then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bfxiq/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_asking_if_theres/
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The president, a business man, and a national security leak walk into a bar...

... and order a drink. The bartender pours one beer and says, "Here you go, Mr Trump."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bfwqi/the_president_a_business_man_and_a_national/
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A man was praying to god for money and fame.

Another one comes and sneers at him, 'i always pray for honesty, modesty and other noble qualities in life'.
The man says 'very well mister, one always asks for the things they don't have!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bfupq/a_man_was_praying_to_god_for_money_and_fame/
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German ocean rescue radio headquarter

*A call comes to the radio*
"German Ocean Rescue, what is your problem?"
"Help, we are sinking, we are sinking!"
"What are you sinking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bfuf6/german_ocean_rescue_radio_headquarter/
%
So a husband and wife go out to dinner

And the restaurant has a bar with a man who is drunk and making a fool of himself.
Wife: Honey, that man making a fool of himself over at the bar asked me to marry him 20 years ago
Husband: And he's still celebrating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bfsuj/so_a_husband_and_wife_go_out_to_dinner/
%
The procrastinators of the world will unite...

eventually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bfs18/the_procrastinators_of_the_world_will_unite/
%
How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking?

Slow down and use some lube.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bfi24/how_do_you_get_your_girlfriend_to_stop_smoking/
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Dirty Taxes

Woman walks into accountant’s office.
---
He says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
---
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
---
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s rephrase”
---
The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
---
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
---
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
---
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
---
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bfhpe/dirty_taxes/
%
Hey, i'm looking for nobody

Because the other day, someone yelled "nobody loves you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bffe0/hey_im_looking_for_nobody/
%
Groucho Marx is on TV, interviewing a woman with 14 children

— My god, that’s a lot of children! How can you do this?
— I love my husband a lot…
— Lady, I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bfduo/groucho_marx_is_on_tv_interviewing_a_woman_with/
%
2 blondes go to disney world

They see a sign that's says Disney World left.
They start crying and head back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bfahe/2_blondes_go_to_disney_world/
%
Why should you never breakup with a goalie?

Because he’s a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bfa8t/why_should_you_never_breakup_with_a_goalie/
%
Everyone knows Dave.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bf869/everyone_knows_dave/
%
The bowling alley down the street just had its 300th strike.

They must have terrible working conditions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bf6tb/the_bowling_alley_down_the_street_just_had_its/
%
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing a seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bf4f7/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
My crush told me that I was like a brother to her while we were in the car...

We were driving to New York at the time, and about halfway up the east coast she told me I was like a brother to her. She was surprised when I proceeded to turn the car around and drive the other way without even acting phased. She asked "where are we going now?" My only answer was "Alabama."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bf3ij/my_crush_told_me_that_i_was_like_a_brother_to_her/
%
Her Dad: "Whatever you do to her, I do to you."

Me: "... So you're gonna lick my butthole later?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bf2ty/her_dad_whatever_you_do_to_her_i_do_to_you/
%
What do you call a funny Amy Schumer joke

A miracle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bf1av/what_do_you_call_a_funny_amy_schumer_joke/
%
Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.

"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"
-- "Yes, I'm alive."
"Did you break your legs?"
-- "No, my legs are fine."
"Did you break your arms?
-- "No, they're OK."
"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"
-- "I can't."
"Why not?"
-- "I'm still falling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bf0nf/two_men_are_climbing_a_mountain_one_of_them_slips/
%
I'm a grownup and I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up

because I'm still looking for ideas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bex7r/im_a_grownup_and_i_love_asking_kids_what_they/
%
Getting an STD is like downloading a virus...

...but getting married is like downloading ransomware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bety9/getting_an_std_is_like_downloading_a_virus/
%
Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He saw the gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ber6w/why_did_hitler_commit_suicide/
%
There is a gay porno plot involving a guy from Central Europe that has an affair with his postal carrier

It's called "The Czech is in the Male".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6beo6g/there_is_a_gay_porno_plot_involving_a_guy_from/
%
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6belvz/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
Today I saw a man who was being savagely beaten by a group of four guys, so I decided to help

He really was no match for the five of us...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6belpo/today_i_saw_a_man_who_was_being_savagely_beaten/
%
A guy searches for his wife at the supermarket..

A guy went to the supermarket w/ his wife, after a few minutes by the beverages section he realises his wife is missing. He then asks a guy (one that seems to be searching for someone too) near him:
- Husband: Hey dude, have you seen my wife?
- Stranger: Hey, I'm also looking for mine! What does your wife looks like?
- Husband: Well, she's 32 yr old, blonde, kinda chubby, blue eyed, has curly hair and she's wearing blue jeans. How about your's, what's she like?
- Stranger: She's 22, brunette, bubble butt, perfect boobs, tanned skin, green eyes, long hair and she's wearing a mini skirt. So.. In which corridor you've last seen your wife?
- Husband: My wife? To hell w/ her! Let's find your wife!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6beloa/a_guy_searches_for_his_wife_at_the_supermarket/
%
What's the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6belea/whats_the_definition_of_trust/
%
Why do hippies shop at Ikea?

Because no trees were harmed in the making of their furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bek4y/why_do_hippies_shop_at_ikea/
%
Let's be thankful WebMD never got into Astrology...

Otherwise everybody would just be a Cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bejlp/lets_be_thankful_webmd_never_got_into_astrology/
%
I lost my cat

If found, please return him, dead and alive.
Thanks,
Sincerely,
Erwin Shrodinger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bejip/i_lost_my_cat/
%
I think I have a problem with self-assessment.

But I can't really tell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6behn1/i_think_i_have_a_problem_with_selfassessment/
%
An Australian man has just arrived to America

and almost got hit by a car while crossing the road.
The American driver got out of his car very angrily and yelled:
"Did you come here to die?!"
"No, I came here yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6behaf/an_australian_man_has_just_arrived_to_america/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6begmm/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
What does a priest do when he wants to lose weight?

Exorcise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6begbe/what_does_a_priest_do_when_he_wants_to_lose_weight/
%
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want it?

Nnnneeeeeeoooooooowwwew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6beg4k/what_do_we_want_low_flying_airplane_noises_when/
%
The wife caught me cross-dressing

So I packed her things and left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6becce/the_wife_caught_me_crossdressing/
%
My Grandad's motto was 'The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence '

Lovely man. Shit gardener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6beacp/my_grandads_motto_was_the_grass_is_always_greener/
%
When employing people, gather all the CVs together and randomly split them into two piles.

Take one pile and throw it in the bin. This stops you employing anyone unlucky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bea8q/when_employing_people_gather_all_the_cvs_together/
%
A man with a frog on his head walks into a Doctors office

The frog says, "doc can you get this guy off my ass?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bea8d/a_man_with_a_frog_on_his_head_walks_into_a/
%
I sell manure to pay my gas bill...

Shit gets me heated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6be92i/i_sell_manure_to_pay_my_gas_bill/
%
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a
seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said
to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three
motorcycles…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6be8ob/a_grizzled_old_man_was_eating_in_a_truck_stop/
%
Why is marijuana illegal in Saudi Arabia?

In Saudi Arabia, only gays get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6be6be/why_is_marijuana_illegal_in_saudi_arabia/
%
The disappearing man.

A man in his mid 40s became convinced that he is disappearing from this world.
Feeling that he could completely vanish any minute now, he walks into a psychiatrist's office and demands to see the Doctor.
the Doc's secretary informs the Doc that they have a walk in, he turns around to his secretary and says "I can't see him now".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6be5nf/the_disappearing_man/
%
Your mom is very attractive

Gravitationally attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6be2ln/your_mom_is_very_attractive/
%
How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One holds the lightbulb in place while the other drinks until the room starts spinning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6be1yw/how_many_alcoholics_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do you get when you mix beans and onions?

Tear gas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6be1ik/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_beans_and_onions/
%
A Hindu, an American and a Russian

An American, a Hindu, and a Russian land in Purgatory. A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?" The American steps forward. "Alright, you've got three hours to prepare yourself." The American puts on a full-body Kevlar outfit, gets into a tank, drives it into a concrete bunker, the bunker is covered with 15 feet of dirt and inch-thick titanium plates. The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! The titanium and the dirt are gone. SNAP! The bunker and tank are gone. SNAP! The American howls in pain, the ground opens up under his feet and he drops straight to Hell. "Next!", says the angel. The Hindu steps forward. "You've got three hours to prepare yourself." / "I need only five minutes. I have studied Yoga all my life and can make myself immune to all pain." The Hindu gets into a lotus position, hums mantras for a few minutes, and rises a couple of inches off the ground. The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! The Hindu is completely unfazed. "Hmm, impressive. Alright, you're free to go.". "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time"
says the Hindu, looking at the Russian. / "Your call." / The angel turns to the Russian: "What are you going to shield yourself with?"  "With the Hindu, of course."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6be0yx/a_hindu_an_american_and_a_russian/
%
Phone sex is a really bad idea...

You might end up with hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6be02u/phone_sex_is_a_really_bad_idea/
%
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

One.  The atheist actually changes the light bulb, rather than praying that it will be done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bdzz5/how_many_atheists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

Hippos are pretty heavy, zippos are a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bdyq8/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
To the person who lost a huge roll of $100 bills wrapped with an elastic band

I found your elastic band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bdy4a/to_the_person_who_lost_a_huge_roll_of_100_bills/
%
What's the most dangerous thing about Steven Seagal?

his Cholesterol level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bdshu/whats_the_most_dangerous_thing_about_steven_seagal/
%
Two nuns are riding bikes

in London. They are having a great time, seeing the sights and talking to pedestrians. Suddenly, the older nun notices how dark it is getting and says "We have to get back to the convent before dark. I know a shortcut." She leads the younger nun on a shortcut through the old part of town. As they're riding, the younger nun says, "I've never come this way before." The older nun says, "Yeah, it's the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bdpow/two_nuns_are_riding_bikes/
%
How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bdoco/how_does_a_scotsman_find_a_sheep_in_tall_grass/
%
One in four men switches the light off during sex.

Ugly women are saving the environment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bdm9u/one_in_four_men_switches_the_light_off_during_sex/
%
whats a math teachers favorite soda

root beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bdlex/whats_a_math_teachers_favorite_soda/
%
Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well. Well, that, and because I pushed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bdlbn/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
%
My trigonometry teacher was just removed from class...

He was caught writing really graphic things on the chalk board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bdkn7/my_trigonometry_teacher_was_just_removed_from/
%
A beautiful blonde boards a plane to Vancouver...

As soon as the plane takes off, she leaves her seat in the economy section, heads to first-class, and sits in an empty seat.
A flight attendant notices, and approaches the woman. "Excuse me, ma'am, may I please see your ticket?"
The woman hands her ticket to the attendant. The attendant explains to her that hers is an economy ticket, and she will need to return to her assigned seat.
Upon hearing this, the woman replies, "I'm blonde, beautiful, and I'm not moving until we get to Vancouver."
The attendant, frustrated, heads to the cockpit to explain the situation to the pilot and copilot.
"Let me have a talk with her," says the copilot, as he gets up to exit the cockpit.
Moments later, the attendant and pilot, still in the cockpit, hear the woman screaming "I'M BLONDE, BEAUTIFUL AND I'M NOT MOVING UNTIL WE GET TO VANCOUVER!"
The copilot returns to the cockpit, clearly rattled by the woman. He tells the pilot, "She's not gonna listen to anything, let control know they'll need to have security waiting when we land."
The pilot replies, "let me try. My wife is blonde; I speak their language."
He exits the cockpit. The attendant and copilot watch as he approaches the woman and whispers something in her ear. After which, she promptly gets up, thanks the pilot, and heads back to her seat in economy.
When he returns to the cockpit, the attendant and copilot, bewildered, ask him what he said to her.
"Easy," he replies, "I told her that first-class wasn't headed to Vancouver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bdgcf/a_beautiful_blonde_boards_a_plane_to_vancouver/
%
Uproar as meeting to discuss premature ejaculation.....

finishes early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bde4f/uproar_as_meeting_to_discuss_premature_ejaculation/
%
Why do Flat Earthers hate The Beatles?

Because the Earth is round, it turns them off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bdc0q/why_do_flat_earthers_hate_the_beatles/
%
Common sense is like a plane.

It goes over most people's heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bdb3q/common_sense_is_like_a_plane/
%
What gets wetter as you become dryer?

A necrophiliac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bdaua/what_gets_wetter_as_you_become_dryer/
%
why do buddhists walk around barefoot

its good for the sole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bd89s/why_do_buddhists_walk_around_barefoot/
%
Wife: Why did you spend a hundred dollars on a boardgame you've only played once?

Me: *quietly checks the wedding bill*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bd5am/wife_why_did_you_spend_a_hundred_dollars_on_a/
%
I call my penis Ryan.

Before sex you can find me shaving private Ryan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bd4mh/i_call_my_penis_ryan/
%
why don't trees cheat on each other

they're in mahogomous relationships

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bd30l/why_dont_trees_cheat_on_each_other/
%
What is the hardest part about roller skating?

Telling your parents that you're gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bd29m/what_is_the_hardest_part_about_roller_skating/
%
I never understood what was so good about having a threesome...

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I could just go have dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bd18s/i_never_understood_what_was_so_good_about_having/
%
So a man came into a bar...

Wait no, it was a horse!
So a man came into a horse...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bcy83/so_a_man_came_into_a_bar/
%
My wife asked me to describe our sex life in two words.

I said, "Our what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bcwnl/my_wife_asked_me_to_describe_our_sex_life_in_two/
%
I told my girlfriend to wear her Starbucks uniform so we can roleplay during sex

She got my name wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bcuma/i_told_my_girlfriend_to_wear_her_starbucks/
%
My first football game was a lot like the first time I had sex...

It was rough and bloody but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bcqai/my_first_football_game_was_a_lot_like_the_first/
%
Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea-weed.
*First joke my 4 year old son learnt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bcq45/why_was_the_sand_wet/
%
Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives......

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.
The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a d**k."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bclcd/three_guys_sit_in_a_bar_complaining_about_their/
%
What is the difference between a pimple and a priest ?

The pimple waits until you are twelve to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bcj6r/what_is_the_difference_between_a_pimple_and_a/
%
How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?

Attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bcdoe/how_did_the_redneck_find_his_sister_in_the_woods/
%
What do you call a Chinese postwoman?

Mai Ling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bc2u7/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_postwoman/
%
What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bc1ul/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
What's the difference between a theist extremist and an atheist extremist?

One wants you to think like them, the other just wants you to think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bc1ua/whats_the_difference_between_a_theist_extremist/
%
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island.

The natives capture them and tell them if they can stick 10 fruits up their butts they can live. The brunette gets 10 peaches and goes first. She laughs after 3 and is killed. The redhead is up next is shows up with cherries. She gets through 8 then laughs and is also killed. In heaven the redhead asked the brunette why she laughed and she said that the peach hairs were very ticklish. The brunette asked the redhead why she laughed and she said, "I saw the blonde coming with pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbymv/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stranded_on/
%
Four virgin girls die and go to heaven...

They are greeted by an angel. The four of them are in line waiting to be called by the angel.
The first girl was called.
The angel asked her "have you ever touched a penis before?"
She replied blushing, " to be honest I've seen one"
The angel says "go to the bucket of holy water over there and wash your eyes."
She abides.
The second girl goes up to the angel.
"Have you ever touched a penis before?"
She says "To be honest I once gave a hand job"
Angel says "ok go wash your hands in the bucket of holy water."
All of the sudden the fourth girl runs past the third girl, panting, she says "can I wash my mouth before the third girl washes her ass?"
Friends mom told me this joke. I too am a virgin 😂
Edited I'm very bad at jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbx4f/four_virgin_girls_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
A man comes in the front door and says to his wife...

Man: You know darling, today I had to show my grey chest hair to get my pension!
wife: Aw that's a pity love, you should have shown them your penis - you would've gotten disability allowance!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbtyv/a_man_comes_in_the_front_door_and_says_to_his_wife/
%
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?

A seal is neutral but a seal ion has a positive or negative charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbtcp/whats_the_difference_between_a_seal_and_a_sealion/
%
Morris went to doctor for a physical

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbqnj/morris_went_to_doctor_for_a_physical/
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Isn't it funny how anti-vaxxer's children....

Always seem to get what their parents deserve?
I believe I made this up but I'm posting here to see if anyone else has heard anything similar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbpfe/isnt_it_funny_how_antivaxxers_children/
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I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.

He said, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh fuck off, not you as well!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbozb/i_told_my_friend_people_keep_accidentally_asking/
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Teacher: "Anyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up"

*Nobody stands up*
Teacher:"There has to be at least one stupid student here"
*Timmy stands up*
Teacher:"Timmy do you think you're stupid?"
Timmy:"No, I just felt bad that you were standing alone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbohx/teacher_anyone_who_thinks_theyre_stupid_stand_up/
%
What do you call a sheep that jumps?

A wooly jumper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbnz4/what_do_you_call_a_sheep_that_jumps/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbmoz/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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What did the 2 earwigs say to each other while falling out of a tree?

earwig-o earwig-o earwig-o

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbk9t/what_did_the_2_earwigs_say_to_each_other_while/
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How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbi8v/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_wall/
%
Just had a coffee and it was so black and rich,

a Kardashian just tried to sleep with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbhlo/just_had_a_coffee_and_it_was_so_black_and_rich/
%
Saw somebody throwing fruit at a dog before,

It felt meloncollie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbhf8/saw_somebody_throwing_fruit_at_a_dog_before/
%
What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

Walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbf43/whats_better_than_winning_gold_at_the_paralympics/
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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a mug of cold beer...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last mug".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his drink, but the mug of beer is still full. He asks, "Are you going to chug that beer?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the mug of beer over and starts to drink. When he gets about half way down, he feels something shaking. He looks down into the mug, sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the beer back into the mug.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bbad8/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_mug_of_cold/
%
An old biker rolls up to a bar..

And takes a seat. He checks out the menu which says:
Beer - 2$
Cheeseburger 3$
Hamburger 4$
HandJob 15$
Some time later a smoking hot blonde saunters up to him and he asks 'Are you the one that gives the handjobs?'
'Yes I am,' She replies
'Good, wash your fucking hands, I want a cheeseburger.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bb9dx/an_old_biker_rolls_up_to_a_bar/
%
A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bb7a2/a_husband_calls_the_sheriffs_office_to_report_his/
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r/Jokes is like a box of chocolates

I'm not saying I hate you but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bb6l7/rjokes_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?

Why does it have to be a group activity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bb6kn/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Did you hear of the man who drank a can of varnish?

It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bb54i/did_you_hear_of_the_man_who_drank_a_can_of_varnish/
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The Pope, Trump, and a Polak walk into a bar...

While they're walking in, the bartender hears them finishing up some discussion.
Trump says, "It's a deal, tremendous idea.  A billion dollar contract, screen doors for every submarine in our fleet.  Very, very impressive."
The pope says, "I assure you, guaranteed entry into heaven, no questions asked.  May the Lord be with you."
The Polak looks annoyed and rolls his eyes, and asks for a double of whiskey while he slumps onto the bar.
The bartender says, "Sounds like things are really going your way man, what's wrong?"
Polak says, "These guys are idiots, they don't get any of my jokes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bb52b/the_pope_trump_and_a_polak_walk_into_a_bar/
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James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.
Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!
M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bb3xp/james_bond_gets_called_into_ms_office/
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An Eskimo man turned 18...

His father said to him
"To be a true Eskimo man you must do three things. Drink a whole bottle of vodka, kill a polar bear with your own two hands and then make love to an eskimo woman."
"Alright lets get started." The man says and he starts chugging the bottle. After a minute or two he finishes it. His father helps him up
"Now for that polar bear." His father says as he leads him out the door. They arrive at the polar bears cave. He stumbles in and after a few minutes his father hears the most violent screaming ever. After a few more minutes he he stumbles out of the cave bruised and bloody and says to his dad-
"Now where's that woman I gotta kill?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bb1u1/an_eskimo_man_turned_18/
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A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist

So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bb0zj/a_comedian_was_getting_attacked_for_his_routine/
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My wife has a whale tattooed on her ass...

It used to be a dolphin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bb0po/my_wife_has_a_whale_tattooed_on_her_ass/
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The other day a clown held the door open for me

It was a nice jester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bb0p3/the_other_day_a_clown_held_the_door_open_for_me/
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Kevin Hart and his Wife are expecting their first child together

and its already taller than Kevin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bb0jw/kevin_hart_and_his_wife_are_expecting_their_first/
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Billy's little brother

Billy first became a big brother when he was 2 years old, when his parents had his sister.  Now 3 years later, dad walks into little Billy's room and exclaims: "Billy, I have big news. You are going to be a big brother again! The stork will deliver your baby brother this summer!"
Billy sighs with a look of frustration.
"Dad...Mom is not unattractive. She takes care of the house and she takes care of us."
-"Yes?" Dad asks, confused.
"So why do you feel the need to keep fucking that stork?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bazj7/billys_little_brother/
%
A married couple was standing outside...

A married couple was standing outside when they noticed some slight precipitation.
"I feel rain" said the man.
"No, it must be snow" said the woman.
"Let's ask communist officer Rudolf" said the man.
They asked him, and he told them it was raining, and the man said, "See? Rudolf the red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bav4u/a_married_couple_was_standing_outside/
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An apprentice asked his master:

"If I shave my ass, does that make me gay?"
Master replies: "Man who cleans house is expecting guests."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6barnn/an_apprentice_asked_his_master/
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I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution

My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bajbl/i_finally_managed_to_achieve_my_new_years/
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Guy walks into his bedroom with a goat under his arm...

He says, "This is the pig I fuck when you're not around.
His wife says, "You dumb asshole, that's a goat, not a pig."
He shoots back, "Who the hell did you think I was talking to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bafp7/guy_walks_into_his_bedroom_with_a_goat_under_his/
%
Bob forgot his wife's anniversary

His wife is pissed as hell. She is so pissed, in fact, that she says, "I want to see something that goes from 0 to 200 in 60 seconds or I'M LEAVING YOU!!!" She runs off to go to work.
Bob is extremely worried. His family didn't have that much money in it anyway because they were in great debt. What was he to do?
The next morning, Bob wakes up before his wife and rushes off to get her a gift. Then, he goes home and goes back to sleep. His wife wakes up, and stares out the window, sad that she is probably going to leave her long-time partner, and to her surprise, sees a huge cardboard box in the driveway.
She is ecstatic! She runs quickly in her robe out to the driveway, ready to rip the box apart, but to her dismay she finds only a bunch of air. Sadly, she regards the box. Then she sees a small cardboard box in the middle of the big one and gets it out and opens it, expecting to find some papers or something that claim her as an owner of a car...
But she finds a weight scale.
Bob has been missing since friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bafga/bob_forgot_his_wifes_anniversary/
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My neighbor's in the guinness book of records.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6bacqy/my_neighbors_in_the_guinness_book_of_records/
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Three gay guys sitting in a hot tub when some cum floats to the surface.

One of them looks at the others "okay, who farted?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6baber/three_gay_guys_sitting_in_a_hot_tub_when_some_cum/
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When you decide to take a small nap..

And wake up three days later in the hospital, because you were driving your car..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6baaro/when_you_decide_to_take_a_small_nap/
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So they say there are plenty of fish in the sea...

and yet here I am still playing with my rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ba9j9/so_they_say_there_are_plenty_of_fish_in_the_sea/
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There was a boy named Mohammad who went to school in France... (Warning: Offensive)

Mohammad entered his school classroom.
"What is your name?" Asked the teacher.
"Mohammad", answered the boy.
"Here in France, there is no Mohammad.
From now on your name will be Jean-
Francois", replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home.
"The day went well Mohammad?"
Asked his mother. "My name is not
Mohammad. I am in France now and my
name is Jean-Francois."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name?
Are you trying to disown your parents?
Your heritage?
Shame on you!" ...And she beat him.
Then she called the father and he beat him
very hard.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked:
"What happened my little Jean-Francois?"
"Well, Madame, two hours after becoming French, I was attacked by Two Arab Terrorists."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ba9aj/there_was_a_boy_named_mohammad_who_went_to_school/
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Abstinence

A young engaged couple were having their first pre-marital counseling session with their super-conservative pastor. After outlining the topics he'd like to discuss, the pastor said, "There's just one rule. I am a firm believer in abstinence before marriage. I know that up until now, you've been very intimate with each other, but if you want to attend this church, and for me to perform your ceremony, you must refrain from any sexual contact for the next 3 weeks until your wedding." The couple agreed, and off they went.
Over the next few counseling sessions, the pastor challenged them on their resolve. Each time, they answered in the affirmative: though it was difficult, they were abstaining.
The final session took place the day before their wedding. From the moment they entered the room, the pastor could tell something was up. The woman was weeping quietly, and the man had a look of chagrin as he said, "Pastor, we have a confession to make. As much as we want to attend this church, and as much as we wanted you to perform the ceremony, we couldn't control our passions. My bride-to-be dropped a box of light bulbs last night, and as she bent over to pick them up, I was overcome with desire, and we made passionate love."
Disappointed, the pastor said, "Well, I must stand by my word. You have broken your vows of chastity, and I cannot perform your ceremony. Furthermore, you are no longer welcome at this church".
"Yeah, that figures", said the man. "We are no longer welcome at Home Depot either".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ba5l8/abstinence/
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Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months?

It said 2-4 years on the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ba50h/why_did_the_blonde_feel_so_proud_of_herself_for/
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What is sweet and sticky and crosses the desert?

A caramel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ba4wk/what_is_sweet_and_sticky_and_crosses_the_desert/
%
I saw a policeman give a talk on heroin once.

couldn't understand what he was saying...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ba1mv/i_saw_a_policeman_give_a_talk_on_heroin_once/
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Why don't rednecks do reverse cowgirl?

You don't turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ba18u/why_dont_rednecks_do_reverse_cowgirl/
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A guy is in a bathroom stall having a shit when he hears the guy in the next cubicle singing.

"Hey," he says. "I know that tune. That's The Beatles."
"Very good," says the guy in the next stall.
"Would you like to hear some of The Stones?" he says.
The guy pauses, and says, "Yes, go on then."
"OK," he grunts. "Let me just push a bit harder."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ba10t/a_guy_is_in_a_bathroom_stall_having_a_shit_when/
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1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness.

So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ba0b5/1_out_of_5_people_suffer_from_loneliness/
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Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9zox/police_officer_can_you_identify_yourself_sir/
%
A guy walks into a bar.

The guy next to him says, "What's up, buddy?"
He says, "My wife just left me."
"My, my. What are the chances," says the guy. "My wife just left me too."
Then a third guy looks over at them from the other side of the bar and says, "Did I just hear that right? Your wife just left you? My wife just left me too."
Word got around and it turned out that every guy in the bar had just broken up with his wife.
The guy turns to the barman and says, "What are you doing here?"
The barman says, "My wife won't leave me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9zkz/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Joke For Darth

What is the difference between the first fight between Vader and Kenobi and the second?
Obi-wan then Obi lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9zht/joke_for_darth/
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A Vietnamese couple met on Match.com and it turns out they complement each other perfectly

You might say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9z0a/a_vietnamese_couple_met_on_matchcom_and_it_turns/
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Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer

This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9xet/jesus_and_satan_have_an_argument_as_to_who_is_the/
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Always date a Christian

That way you can screw around through the week, and start anew each Sunday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9wbg/always_date_a_christian/
%
What kind of bees produce milk instead of honey?

Boobies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9sxp/what_kind_of_bees_produce_milk_instead_of_honey/
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A man on one side of a river shouts to a man standing on the other side, “Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?”

The other man responds, “You are on the other side of the river.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9p1n/a_man_on_one_side_of_a_river_shouts_to_a_man/
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A female gorilla is alone in a cage at the zoo...

... She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He walks over to him and asks:
"Would you be willing to.. perhaps have sex with a gorilla for 500 dollars?"
The janitor thinks about it for a while and agrees but on 3 conditions.
"First!" He says, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Understood?"
"Yes." Says the zookeeper.
"Second!" The janitor says, "I don't want anyone to know about this!"
"Alright" says the zookeeper, "And what's the third condition?"
"I'm going to need a little bit more time to come up with the 500 dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9ou5/a_female_gorilla_is_alone_in_a_cage_at_the_zoo/
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Son: Dad, how high is that building?

Building: Why am I called a building if I'm already built?
Dad: Pretty damn high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9nsy/son_dad_how_high_is_that_building/
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3 men are wandering trough a desert.

3 men are wandering lost and hungry through a desert.
They've all but given up hope to make it out alive when they stumble upon a golden lamp in the sand. One of them picks it up and start rubbing the sand off of it. As the last grain of sand falls off the lamp a magical genie appears and with much power in his voice says: "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. I will grant each of you 3 wishes".
The 3 men are excited and start thinking about their first wish.
The first man quickly says "I want to have a billion dollars!" POOF, he's suddenly holding a printout that says he has 1,000,000,000.50 dollars on his account.
The second man thinks for another minute and then confidently says "I wish to be the richest man alive!" POOF, he's holding papers that show his net worth is over double that of Bill Gates!
While the first 2 men are getting excited thinking about what to buy with all their money, the third one continues to think for another 10 minutes about his wish.
Finally he says "I wish for my left arm to spin clockwise until the day i die." POOF, his left arm is now constantly spinning clockwise.
The genie says it's time for their second wish.
The first man almost immediately says "I wish i had the most beautiful wife in the whole world!" POOF, the most gorgeous and beautiful girl you've ever seen is wrapped around his arm.
The second man thinks for another minute before he exclaims "I wish to be so handsome and charismatic, that i can get anyone to fall in love with me!" POOF, he now has a handsome face and nice looking muscles. The first mans wife immediately starts flirting with him.
The third man thinks for another 10 minutes before he confidently says "I wish for my right arm to spin counter-clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his right arm is now spinning in the opposite direction of his left arm.
"And for your last wish?" the genie asks.
The first man says "I wish me and my wife were in a big luxurious villa on a tropical island!" POOF, the man and his wife disappear to their villa.
The second man thinks for a minute before he says "I wish to be immortal and stay this age forever." POOF, the man grabs his pocket knife and tries to stab himself with it, but no wounds appear on his body. Confidently he starts making his way out of the desert.
The third man thinks for another 10 minutes before he says "I wish for my head to bob up and down forever." POOF, his head now slowly bobs up and down.
The genie disappears in a big flash and the third man goes on his way.
After a many years the 3 men decide to meet up again and catch up on how they're doing.
The first man happily says "I'm doing great! I've invested my money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family are among the richest in the world! And to top it off my wife is a freak in the sheets!"
The second man smiles and says "I've funded many charities around the world with only a fraction of my wealth. I've traveled all over the world without a fear of dying and haven't aged a bit. And yes, your wife is pretty good in bed."
Finally the third guy walks into the bar, with his arms still spinning in opposite directions and his head slowly bobbing up and down. He sits down with the 2 other men and says
"Guys, i think i fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9nsu/3_men_are_wandering_trough_a_desert/
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Two window cleaners are working at the airport building

One of them says, «I want to pee, let's come down»
«Dude, just piss from here».
«But there are people down there».
«See that fountain? Lean down and aim right there, no one will notice»
«No way, I'll fall down»
«Don't worry man, I'll hold you by the galluses»
So he aims into the fountain and does the deed, but right after that the second man sneezes and loosens his grip, and the first one falls down like a sack of shit.
Several months after, three women are in the cafe, talking about men.
— I'll tell you, the most sex thirsty men are Italians. When I was there on vacation, I couldn't make a step without them hitting on me!
— No, it's Mexicans. These sweaty hairy macho men undress you with their eyes every second!
— That's nothing compared to Australia.
— Why is that?
— I've been there last year. Right after I walk out of the airport building, I sense something dripping from above. I raise my head, and see a man flying towards me, with pants down, holding his dick with both hands and screaming:
— C-C-C-C-U-U-U-U-U-U-N-T!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9lo8/two_window_cleaners_are_working_at_the_airport/
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What's the difference between an illegal alien and E.T.?

E.T. learned English and went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9jnt/whats_the_difference_between_an_illegal_alien_and/
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What do the Special Olympics and a hand job have in common?

You appreciate the effort but you could do it better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9iit/what_do_the_special_olympics_and_a_hand_job_have/
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My granddad used to say "Pick a card, any card."

He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9h3v/my_granddad_used_to_say_pick_a_card_any_card/
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My friend told me shes sexually attracted to horses and its tearing her up inside

Literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9ezz/my_friend_told_me_shes_sexually_attracted_to/
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If a stork brings a white baby and a crow brings a black baby; what bird brings no baby?

a swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9drz/if_a_stork_brings_a_white_baby_and_a_crow_brings/
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John is a fast learner

Interviewer: What's your biggest strength?
John: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
John: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
John: It's 121.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9dri/john_is_a_fast_learner/
%
A neutron went into a bar and ordered a beer,

The bartender upon seeing him said "this one is free of charge".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9d2s/a_neutron_went_into_a_bar_and_ordered_a_beer/
%
There was a woman with 100 children…

There was a woman with 100 children. She lacked the creativity to name all of them so she just names them 1-100. 99 of the kids die. The only survivor is the kid named 90. 90 grows up and has kids of her own. One day, the kids find a stray dog. 90 did not want them to keep it. The kids decide to keep the dog secretly. They name the dog “this” so that they can say things like “Let’s take this outside” without 90 finding out. One day, this suddenly dies in a car accident.
Only 90’s kids remember this.
edit 2: short explanation to the people who didn’t get this: only the mother’s (ninety’s) kids will remember “this”, the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b9alv/there_was_a_woman_with_100_children/
%
I like both kinds of british cuisine...

fish AND chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b98v5/i_like_both_kinds_of_british_cuisine/
%
A large city in the Yorkshire area has gone missing,

Police are looking for Leeds.
(friend told me that one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b927q/a_large_city_in_the_yorkshire_area_has_gone/
%
What do climatologists use to predict the global climate?

AlGorerithums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b8w9p/what_do_climatologists_use_to_predict_the_global/
%
In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard:

"Children, could someone tell me what is this?"
Johny raises his hand: "It's a dick, teacher!"
The teacher bursts into tears and runs out.  Shortly, the principal rushes in:
"All right, what did you do now? Which one of you brought your teacher to tears? And who the hell drew that dick on the blackboard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b8v5f/in_biology_class_the_teacher_draws_a_cucumber_on/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*-Choking noises-*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b8s70/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
“It’s about time I told you an important thing,” I said to my 15 year old son.

“What is it dad?” He asked.
“You were adopted,” I murmured.
“That’s impossible!” He exclaimed, “We look the same.”
“Well,” I replied, “That’s because we are Chinese.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b8qtc/its_about_time_i_told_you_an_important_thing_i/
%
My girlfriend dumped me 5 days before our one year anniversary

I guess you could say we made it full circle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b8p31/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_5_days_before_our_one/
%
Did you hear that they finally published that book about clocks?

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b8g3i/did_you_hear_that_they_finally_published_that/
%
A melon went to ask his girlfriends parents if he could marry her

The mother replied, "sure but you cant elope"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b8eui/a_melon_went_to_ask_his_girlfriends_parents_if_he/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar...

An old cowboy walks into a bar. A woman comes up to him and asks, "Excuse me sir, but are you a real cowboy?"
"That I am, ma'am," he says. "When I wake up in the morning, I'm thinking about my cattle. When I'm eating my breakfast and listening to the radio, I'm thinking about my cattle. When I'm cooking dinner out on the range, I'm thinking about my cattle, and when I'm asleep, I dream about my cattle. I reckon I'm about as close to a 'real cowboy' as they come. What about you, ma'am? What do you do for a living?"
"Well, believe it or not," she says, "I'm a lesbian pornstar."
"Huh," he says. "And are you a real lesbian?"
"That I am, sir," she says. "When I wake up in the morning, I'm thinking about women. When I'm taking my shower and doing my nails, I'm thinking about women. When I'm watching TV at night, I'm thinking about women, and when I'm asleep, I dream about women. I reckon I'm just as much a 'real lesbian' as you are a 'real cowboy.'"
"Well, to be honest," the cowboy replies. "I've always told everyone I'm a real cowboy, but hearing you talk now, I'm starting to think I might actually be a lesbian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b8ems/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So apparently the rape advice hotline

Is for victims......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b8dpf/so_apparently_the_rape_advice_hotline/
%
I died and was reincarnated...

Into a musical composer!
I'm Bach now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b8dnj/i_died_and_was_reincarnated/
%
A man asks a blonde how many apples

can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".
The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.
Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?
Friend: Five.
Blonde: Aww shucks. It would have been so much fun if you had said four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b8ayu/a_man_asks_a_blonde_how_many_apples/
%
An Arab enters a bar..

Along with 500 passengers and an entire jet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b8945/an_arab_enters_a_bar/
%
What do you call a dad and his son over for dinner at a famous hockey players home?

.....
.....The Father
.....The Son
.....And The Goalie Host

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b87vj/what_do_you_call_a_dad_and_his_son_over_for/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands. I love this joke because it never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b85nj/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
How hot is the inside of a tauntaun?

lukewarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b80rg/how_hot_is_the_inside_of_a_tauntaun/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

Left in my car till its cold and gross...then dumped on the side of the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b80jd/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A black guy and a ginger get in a fight

The two are fighting with just words at first, but then push comes to shove and the black guy shoves the ginger into the edge of a table. His back snaps and he immediately falls unconscious.
The ginger is taken to hospital in critical condition, but doesn't survive. The locals wish that they could make a memorial fund for him but they simply don't have the money.
The only thing that they could think of is to name something after him.
"How about a boxing glove brand?" Someone asked, but it was too offensive.
"How about a school wing?" Someone asked, but the ginger wasn't very well educated, the people thought.
"How about a cookie?" Someone asked, and it seemed perfect.
And thus, the ginger-snap cookie was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7yvx/a_black_guy_and_a_ginger_get_in_a_fight/
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A $50 Lesson

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, we're standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
Her parents beamed with pride.
'Wow... what a worthy goal.' I told her. 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use towards food and a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7xfu/a_50_lesson/
%
What did Tennessee?

Same thing Arkansas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7wza/what_did_tennessee/
%
Why does the blonde nurse take a red pen to work?

In case she has to draw blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7tnb/why_does_the_blonde_nurse_take_a_red_pen_to_work/
%
A woman decided to join the Monastery of Silence.

A woman decided to join a Monastery of Silence. The priest welcomes her and says "you can only speak when I say you can."
Five years pass before the priest comes to her and says "Dear Lady, you've been with us for five years and you are now allowed to say two words." The woman says "Hard bed." The priest apologizes and says he will get her a better, softer bed.
Another five years pass and once again the priest tells the woman that she can say another two words. She says "cold food." The priest once again apologizes and says that he will start making better, warmer food.
Another five years pass, once again the priest tells the woman that she can say two words. "I quit," the woman says.
"It's probably best," says the priest, "you've done nothing but bitch ever since you came here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7szo/a_woman_decided_to_join_the_monastery_of_silence/
%
Why did jimmy drop his ice cream?

Because he was hit by a bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7sfp/why_did_jimmy_drop_his_ice_cream/
%
What did the gay rooster say?

Any cock'll do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7qe7/what_did_the_gay_rooster_say/
%
21st century newspaper

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7q5x/21st_century_newspaper/
%
What did diarrhea say to poop?

You're in shape.
(Compliments of my 9 year old.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7nqz/what_did_diarrhea_say_to_poop/
%
What do you call an igloo without a toilet?

An "ig"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7nk6/what_do_you_call_an_igloo_without_a_toilet/
%
Two employees are having a conversation about quality control

Employee 1: We need to stop testing our products on animals.
Employee 2: Why? Other shampoo companies do it all the time.
Employee 1: Cool.  But we make hammers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7lwd/two_employees_are_having_a_conversation_about/
%
Stupid joke my dad told me when I was a kid, never forgot it.

So, the story goes that there was this town that had a big red lever in the middle of the town square. The lever, if pulled, would destroy the world. Because of this the lever was heavily guarded at all times. Here is where we introduce a man in that town. His name was Nate. Nate grew up around that lever his whole life. He had wondered his whole life if it actually worked or if it was just some elaborate hoax. So one day, Nate decided to try to pull the lever. Nate ran for the lever and was quickly shot down. I mean, it was better Nate than lever. *ba dum tiss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7jxv/stupid_joke_my_dad_told_me_when_i_was_a_kid_never/
%
A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7i0x/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table/
%
Heard of a theatre company called 'Sex in Each City'

Apparently they do four plays in all cities they visit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7i00/heard_of_a_theatre_company_called_sex_in_each_city/
%
A queen asked a beardless knight...

A queen asked a beardless knight, "tell me true: have you fathered any children?" "In truth, my Queen, I have not." "I believe it," she replied, "for it's known to all that one can look at the hay to see if the pitchfork's any good."
"Tell me true," asked the knight, "have you any hair between your legs?" "In truth, young knight, I have not." "I believe it," he replied, "for it's known to all that when too many walk a road, the grass stops growing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7h1a/a_queen_asked_a_beardless_knight/
%
A woman is on the bus with her baby

. The man sitting next to her looks at her baby, and proclaims,"My God! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman becomes very mad, and gets up and moves to another part of the bus.
After sitting down, the man next to her sees that she's clearly distressed and asks, "What's wrong?"
The woman replies, "Well, a man on this bus just said some really mean things."
This man then says, "Well, you should go and yell at him. And while you do, I can hold your pet monkey for you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7fkf/a_woman_is_on_the_bus_with_her_baby/
%
Why do blonde women have bruised navals?

Blonde men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7fi5/why_do_blonde_women_have_bruised_navals/
%
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7dha/what_do_you_call_2000_mockingbirds/
%
A Joke My Grandpa Told Us Yesterday at Dinner

An old man and his son are out golfing on Father's Day. The old man tees up for his shot and hits it right down the fairway. His son gets ready to take his swing, and right before his swing, he suddenly stops. He turns to the old man and says, "I don't want to take the shot, my eye site has been getting so bad, I don't think I'll be able to see where the ball lands." The old man says, "Even though I am very old, my eye site is just fine, so I'll spot it for you." Reassured, the son steps up and hits his drive. He turns to the old man and says, "Well, where did it land?" The old man turns and says, "I don't remember."
Happy Mother's Day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b7d3e/a_joke_my_grandpa_told_us_yesterday_at_dinner/
%
My friend from the middle east was telling me his story about how he left his home country. The story is rather short , all he said was...

Iran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b77rs/my_friend_from_the_middle_east_was_telling_me_his/
%
What's the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6yje/whats_the_definition_of_trust/
%
Funeral Plans

When I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered in the sea.
So when my family eats sushi they'll think of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6qe4/funeral_plans/
%
I'm a recovering alcoholic.

One more glass of water and I'll be fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6pt4/im_a_recovering_alcoholic/
%
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6pb4/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
Why can't blind people eat fish?

Because it's sea food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6n6v/why_cant_blind_people_eat_fish/
%
There was a time when I used a comma at the end of a sentence.

It was the worst period of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6lx9/there_was_a_time_when_i_used_a_comma_at_the_end/
%
Did you hear about the guy who had a crush on the Grim Reaper?

I heard he beat it to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6lgl/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_had_a_crush_on_the/
%
A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this?!
The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6ksc/a_mother_and_father_are_snooping_around_in_their/
%
The first rule of innuendo club:

come in the back door so you don't dirty up my front passage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6kix/the_first_rule_of_innuendo_club/
%
I hear the two girls from 'two girls one cup' actually did OK out of it.

They got paid a shit load

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6jiy/i_hear_the_two_girls_from_two_girls_one_cup/
%
A cannibal

passed his brother in the woods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6i1v/a_cannibal/
%
What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and Usain Bolt?

Usain Bolt can actually finish off a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6gs3/whats_the_difference_between_adolf_hitler_and/
%
How was copper wire invented?

Two Jews fighting over a penny!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6ghb/how_was_copper_wire_invented/
%
I'm a washing machine

Because I make all the panties wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6frb/im_a_washing_machine/
%
The alphabet is a joke.

It says HI and then JK and then NO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6f39/the_alphabet_is_a_joke/
%
I learned what LGBT stands for!

Lettuce Guacamole Bacon Tomato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6et3/i_learned_what_lgbt_stands_for/
%
Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6ctx/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_down_the_well/
%
What does someone who's looking for attention say when they get attention?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6cci/what_does_someone_whos_looking_for_attention_say/
%
Me: I love to travel.

Bank account: Like where? To the backyard?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b683b/me_i_love_to_travel/
%
An attractive woman walks up to the bar to order a drink.

As she's waiting on her drinks, there's a lone man sitting at the bar who's obviously had a few.
He looks at the woman and says, "Ma'am, you have the finest ass I've ever seen, and I would take a bite out of it, if given the chance."
"You better watch yourself," she replies, "because my boyfriend is in the pool hall and he'll beat your ass for saying that."
The man backs off long enough to take a couple more sips of his drink, and says, "I'm just saying you have the biggest titties I've ever seen, and I'd love to suck your nipples dry."
"Look motherfucker," she retorts, angrily. "My boyfriend will destroy you of you keep running your mouth."
The man takes one more sip and says, "I bet your pussy  tastes so sweet, I could fill it up with beer and drink it all in one gulp."
"That's it!" She exclaims, as she runs to the pool hall to fetch her boyfriend. "Baby, you're not gonna believe what this asshole was saying to me at the bar!"
Her boyfriend, concerned, asks, "what's going on? What did he say?"
"Well, first he said that I have the fattest ass he's ever seen and he wants to take a bite out of it."
The boyfriend starts getting angry. "What else did that scumbag say?"
"He said that I have the biggest titties he's ever seen and he wants to suck my nipples dry!" She yells.
The boyfriend stands, and begins to roll up his sleeves. "What else did that piece of shit say to you?!"
"He said..." She pauses, tears in her eyes. "He said he bets my pussy tastes so sweet, that he could fill it up with beer and drink it all in one gulp!"
The boyfriend looks taken aback, and begins to roll down his sleeves. "Baby," he says, as he sits back down in his chair.
"I can't fight a man that can drink that much beer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b65xu/an_attractive_woman_walks_up_to_the_bar_to_order/
%
Never tell a scientist that his Blood Alcohol Content is a problem...

He'll tell you it's a solution...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b64om/never_tell_a_scientist_that_his_blood_alcohol/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b63hr/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
Now I'm the last person to be racist...

Because I'm always late to the KKK rallies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b6380/now_im_the_last_person_to_be_racist/
%
You can tell a lot about a person by their house

Peeking in through the windows
Recording their every move
Listening in with lasers
Yep, you can tell a lot about someone by their trash
Or behind a bush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b621x/you_can_tell_a_lot_about_a_person_by_their_house/
%
My mom told me I wasn't a failure

I appreciated the compliment so much I quit my job and moved in with her... a mother's day gift!
Her opinion changed greatly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b602j/my_mom_told_me_i_wasnt_a_failure/
%
I remember when, for weeks at a time, Mom would wake us every morning with the smell of freshly baked cookies

at 3AM.  And in retrospect, those cookies smelled a lot like meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5vi7/i_remember_when_for_weeks_at_a_time_mom_would/
%
When someone asks me if I like indoor skydiving

I say Im a really big fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5vgy/when_someone_asks_me_if_i_like_indoor_skydiving/
%
A poem

I dig...
You dig...
We dig...
He dig...
She dig...
They dig...
Now, it's not very beautiful, but it is quite deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5v75/a_poem/
%
My friend David had his ID stolen.

Now he's just Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5u2a/my_friend_david_had_his_id_stolen/
%
It's 1975, and John and Amy had just gotten married.

They go grocery shopping for their first time as a married couple. They buy various items, including lots of jars of food.
They get home, and Amy starts unpacking. John notices something strange... Amy takes the first jar and opens it, closes it again, and puts it in the refrigerator. She goes to the next jar and, again, opens it, closes it, and puts it in the fridge. She does this with every jar they bought.
John says, "Dear, what are you doing?"
Amy says, "Well they all say right here," as she points at a jar...
"... refrigerate after opening."
(True story I heard from friends of mine.  Names have been changed.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5sux/its_1975_and_john_and_amy_had_just_gotten_married/
%
Procrastination is like masturbation

In the end you're just fucking yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5rdn/procrastination_is_like_masturbation/
%
What do you call it when a group of atheists come together to help people?

A Non-prophet Charity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5r6o/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_group_of_atheists_come/
%
An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,
"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."
"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.
The Communist then turns to another friend.
"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."
"No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven" says Petya.
"Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day."
"Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace" says Misha.
"Thank you so much guys for being with me throughout all these years" says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon."
His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, gathers his last strength and says.
"And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass."
Just as his friends were about to say something, the old communist took his last breath and died.
So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting:
"Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5mpg/an_old_russian_communist_is_on_his_deathbed/
%
What's the difference between light and hard?

It's easy to get to sleep with a light on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5maj/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
Mom asks Little Johnny to call Dad.

A little while later Mom asks little Johnny: "Did you call your dad?"
-"Yes, but every time a woman answers"
-"What? wait until that man walks thru the door!"
An hour later, the Dad walks in and Johnny's mom is ready with an iron pan and proceeds to give him a real good beating.
"That's what you get for cheating! you were with a woman all day! Johnny, tell him what you heard"
Little Johnny says: "The woman said: You have insufficient funds to make this call"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5ky0/mom_asks_little_johnny_to_call_dad/
%
Stephen Hawking is a terrible role model for our kids.

He only looks one way when crossing the street

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5ifq/stephen_hawking_is_a_terrible_role_model_for_our/
%
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates

They'll kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5cbj/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Monkey and lizard hanging out

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me"
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5c0n/monkey_and_lizard_hanging_out/
%
"I'm sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus"

"Yea, I know, but she takes it up the ass and is good with kids"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5b2m/im_sorry_sir_it_looks_like_your_wife_has_been_hit/
%
What's the difference between my wife and the government?

The government will still fuck me whenever it has the chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b57le/whats_the_difference_between_my_wife_and_the/
%
Shout out to the Kardashians,

Who are undoubtedly having a tough time deciding what to get their father for Mother's Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b57bu/shout_out_to_the_kardashians/
%
During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle
Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.
Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b5675/during_a_custody_battle/
%
My wife is mad because I am never sure about anything.

Maybe she's right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b55zk/my_wife_is_mad_because_i_am_never_sure_about/
%
My favourite joke: The BB Cake

One day a woman is baking a cake for her children, when suddenly a bag of BB gun pellets hanging in the kitchen rips open and pours in to the cake batter.
Thinking that it would be too much of a hassle to remove each individual BB, she decides that it shouldn't be too harmful to leave them in.
Later that evening the woman and her children sit down to eat and she serves the cake. All three children eat their portions and thank her before heading off to bed.
An hour later the first daughter runs up to her mom and says "Mommy, mommy! I'm peeing BB's and it really hurts!" Unsure how exactly to handle the situation, the woman says, "It's fine, just go to sleep and you'll feel better in the morning," and the daughter heads back to bed.
Another hour later the second daughter runs up and says "Mommy, mommy! I'm peeing BB's and it really hurts!" The woman says, "It's fine, just go to sleep and you'll feel better in the morning," and the second daughter heads back to bed.
Another hour later her son comes running and says "Mommy! Mommy!" And the mom says "I know I know, you're peeing BB's and it really hurts. Just go to sleep and you'll feel better in the morning."
To which the son replies, "No! I was in the backyard jacking off and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b54wc/my_favourite_joke_the_bb_cake/
%
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b54r3/the_best_years_of_my_life_were_spent_in_the_arms/
%
My Dad got a Mercedes for my Mom this Mother's Day.

He says it's the best trade he ever made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b53sx/my_dad_got_a_mercedes_for_my_mom_this_mothers_day/
%
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who got fired?

She couldn't keep her pupils straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b52gm/did_you_hear_about_the_crosseyed_teacher_who_got/
%
I invented a Prayer Rug weaved with TNT;

prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b52cr/i_invented_a_prayer_rug_weaved_with_tnt/
%
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are on a road trip...

Their car stops running in the middle of nowhere and they can all take one thing to the nearby abandoned factory for survival. The redhead takes water in case they get thristy. The brunette takes food in case they get hungry. The blonde takes the car door, in case they get hot she can roll down the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b51mz/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_are_on_a_road/
%
My neighbors listen to great music

and I don't care if they want it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b50s0/my_neighbors_listen_to_great_music/
%
Mother at a Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
Son runs up to Mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play and then runs back to say..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4zav/mother_at_a_nude_beach/
%
Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4y6c/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
%
Have you walked 500 miles?

Have you been asked to walk 500 more?
You may be entitled to compensation!!!
For your free no obligation quote call the Pro-Claimers now!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4xxb/have_you_walked_500_miles/
%
You already know the punchline

What makes time traveling jokes funny?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4xvt/you_already_know_the_punchline/
%
Girls are like domain names

those that I like are already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4xix/girls_are_like_domain_names/
%
What did the mother rope say to her child?

“Don’t be knotty.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4xen/what_did_the_mother_rope_say_to_her_child/
%
Why Are Computers So Smart?

Cuz they listen to their Motherboards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4wkc/why_are_computers_so_smart/
%
Cutting down personal expenses

The business man was worried about his personal finances after a few sloppy years and thought to himself that he'd better start cutting down on private expenses.
Therefore he turned to his wife and said:
"Honey, if you could learn to cook and clean, we wouldn't need our household services."
The wife replied: "Sure. And if you could learn to satisfy me, we wouldn't need the gardener either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4ufh/cutting_down_personal_expenses/
%
Deer Hunter

A hunter was stalking a deer on the ridge across from him when he noticed the deer was somewhat wobbly and seemed to be squinting.  Looking carefully through his rifle scope, he soon realized that the big buck was standing in the middle of a patch of marijuana, happily chewing away.  Taking careful aim, he successfully downed the deer with a perfect shot.  Unfortunately, it took him the rest of the day to navigate the rocky ravine and get across to his prize.  By the time he got there, two vultures had started to work on the carcass, but due to the effects of the cannabis-tainted meat, they were high as kites.  So, apparently.....he stoned two birds with one kill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4tzb/deer_hunter/
%
I recently came into a large sum of money.

Now it's all sticky and no one will accept it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4t8r/i_recently_came_into_a_large_sum_of_money/
%
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4sn2/two_thai_girls_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_sleep_with/
%
At a time of crisis when the world is under a massive cyber attack...

Just where the fuck is Doctor Who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4r83/at_a_time_of_crisis_when_the_world_is_under_a/
%
What do women and tornadoes have in common?

First they are wet, then stormy and afterwards the house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4pij/what_do_women_and_tornadoes_have_in_common/
%
My friend and I were betting on a coin.

I asked my friend to give me a heads-up before he flipped it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4ntk/my_friend_and_i_were_betting_on_a_coin/
%
Testing products on animals

Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals
Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.
Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4h33/testing_products_on_animals/
%
A couple are having sex

The woman is desperate for a baby but the man doesn't want one.
So halfway through their passions, the guy slips on a condom without her noticing.
When the love making is over the woman rolls over and looks at the ceiling holding onto her lover.
"Oh I hope it's a boy. If it is a boy, what shall we call him?"
At this point the guy reveals he's been wearing a condom, ties a knot into it and throws it out the window.
"If he gets out of this one, we can call him Harry Houdini!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4gfw/a_couple_are_having_sex/
%
A monkey was arrested today when he started throwing lit feces at zoo employees. 3 of them were rushed to the hospital with...

turd debris burns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4gb2/a_monkey_was_arrested_today_when_he_started/
%
What does a shark and a computer have in common?

They both have megabites

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4fi1/what_does_a_shark_and_a_computer_have_in_common/
%
I thought my girlfriend was joking when she told me to stop singing "I'm a believer"

But then I saw her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4eyx/i_thought_my_girlfriend_was_joking_when_she_told/
%
A circle went to a party uninvited

"This party is only for shapes with edges. You cannot be here.", said the triangle.
The circle replied, sipping his drink, "I know. That's just how I roll."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4eh7/a_circle_went_to_a_party_uninvited/
%
A man with six kids is always happier than a man with $6 million

The man with $6 million always wants more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4cwv/a_man_with_six_kids_is_always_happier_than_a_man/
%
What is a cannibals favorite restaurant?

Five Guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4c0c/what_is_a_cannibals_favorite_restaurant/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee...

Ground up in my freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4a1q/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Happy Mother's Day to all the great moms out there. And Shaft.

Although I hear he is a bad mother...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b49sc/happy_mothers_day_to_all_the_great_moms_out_there/
%
What do blondes and Twinkies have in common?

They're yellow and filled with cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b48bm/what_do_blondes_and_twinkies_have_in_common/
%
Whats the best part of having sex on a golf course?

The hole experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b481k/whats_the_best_part_of_having_sex_on_a_golf_course/
%
So, I was fishing, and I saw a shooting star!

The reel jokes are in the comets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b4732/so_i_was_fishing_and_i_saw_a_shooting_star/
%
Why would you take Viagra to help a sunburn?

It will keep the blanket off your legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b46by/why_would_you_take_viagra_to_help_a_sunburn/
%
Two Old Ladies go out for a smoke in the rain

As they're smoking, Old Lady 1 takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and puts it over her cigarette. Old Lady 2 looks at her and, realizing what a good idea it is, asks "hey where'd you get that."
"The Pharmacy, you can get a huge box of em down there."
The next day, Old Lady 2 goes into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "I need a box of condoms please"
The pharmacist looked at old lady questioningly (she was 80 after all) and asked "what size?"
The Old lady thought for a second and said "It doesn't matter, as long as it can fit on a Camel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b45ox/two_old_ladies_go_out_for_a_smoke_in_the_rain/
%
When I was little I heard that Russians liked to drink A lot...

After going through health class I realized that was bad but hey, if they wanted to be alcoholics then Soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b44ce/when_i_was_little_i_heard_that_russians_liked_to/
%
You can't sing with a mouthful of chickpeas

so hummus a tune.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b44bq/you_cant_sing_with_a_mouthful_of_chickpeas/
%
I don't know what "procrastinate" means.

I think I'll look it up tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b43hn/i_dont_know_what_procrastinate_means/
%
The blonde jokes on this sub need to stop!

I'm blonde and I don't get them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b418l/the_blonde_jokes_on_this_sub_need_to_stop/
%
I used to date a Russian who cheated on me and took all my money.

Her name was Svetlana Fuckhimova.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b40rr/i_used_to_date_a_russian_who_cheated_on_me_and/
%
My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied:

"Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3zn4/my_boss_pulled_up_to_work_in_his_sweet_new_car/
%
My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."
Well... Not right now but I will!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3yj1/my_mother_said_you_wont_amount_to_anything/
%
TIL that elephants fart

I was blown away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3xm9/til_that_elephants_fart/
%
I found my wife, my soulmate, my best friend on tinder

I guess I wasn't invited to the orgy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3x0k/i_found_my_wife_my_soulmate_my_best_friend_on/
%
Have you heard of these new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3u7y/have_you_heard_of_these_new_corduroy_pillows/
%
I Asked my Ouija board ...

I asked my Ouija board if I was getting laid tonight.
The pointer keeps gliding back and forth between the H and the A. It’s been over half an hour now .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3t1t/i_asked_my_ouija_board/
%
I had a Wookie steak last night

It was a little Chewy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3r6y/i_had_a_wookie_steak_last_night/
%
Yo Mama has so many warts...

Her face spells "ugly" in Braille

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3r5y/yo_mama_has_so_many_warts/
%
They say life begins at 40.

I've been 39 for 17 years now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3pt8/they_say_life_begins_at_40/
%
I always wanted to be a drug dealer

But I had trouble getting into medical school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3ngf/i_always_wanted_to_be_a_drug_dealer/
%
What's similar about broccoli and anal?

No matter how much butter you use, kids will never like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3nco/whats_similar_about_broccoli_and_anal/
%
My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3mbn/my_mum_suffers_with_short_term_memory_loss/
%
Did you hear the inventor of throat lozenges just died?!?

There wont be any coffin for him at his funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3k5v/did_you_hear_the_inventor_of_throat_lozenges_just/
%
I bought a porn DVD today then I put it in the DVD player But all I saw was some guy sitting on a sofa holding his dick

then I realized that I didn't switch on the TV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3grv/i_bought_a_porn_dvd_today_then_i_put_it_in_the/
%
Whats the funniest thing about procrastinating

I'll tell you tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3er2/whats_the_funniest_thing_about_procrastinating/
%
A Russian spy, a racketeer and a sex offender walk into a bar

The bartender says "Hello Mr. President, what would you like to drink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3a34/a_russian_spy_a_racketeer_and_a_sex_offender_walk/
%
Carl has a broken leg

and his buddy Nick comes over to see him.
Nick says, "How you doin'?"
Carl says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Nick goes upstairs and sees Carl's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Nick shouts downstairs, "Carl, both of 'em?"
Carl shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3813/carl_has_a_broken_leg/
%
Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce?

The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3702/who_did_santa_approach_when_he_wanted_to_get_a/
%
A ventriloquist at a comedy show is telling blonde jokes...

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the crowd stands up.
"I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like this? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you that keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and men like you continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor! You should be ashamed of yourself!"
Feeling guilty, the ventriloquist begins to apologize to the woman, when she interrupts him.
"Hey, you stay out of this, Mister! I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the little bastard on your knee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b366z/a_ventriloquist_at_a_comedy_show_is_telling/
%
Betting with a blonde

Bob walked into his favorite sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair.” she said, “Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b330x/betting_with_a_blonde/
%
My kids said I'm like Santa...

They stopped believing in me years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b32er/my_kids_said_im_like_santa/
%
I am terrified of elevators

I think I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b329o/i_am_terrified_of_elevators/
%
North Korean launches keep getting better and better

Heck, they even made it to the front page today!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b3170/north_korean_launches_keep_getting_better_and/
%
What do you call an angry pea?

A Grump-pea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b30jp/what_do_you_call_an_angry_pea/
%
One in a million...

You're one in a million.
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b30fc/one_in_a_million/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide bomber's vest?

When triggered, a suicide bomber's vest actually accomplishes something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2zew/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
Two blondes are locked out of their car...

The first blonde is trying to unlock the car using a coat hanger. The second says to the first "hurry up! It looks like it's going to rain and the top's down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2wg0/two_blondes_are_locked_out_of_their_car/
%
Mum always tells me to stay eco friendly

It's nice to see you folks of r/jokes follow the same rule!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2tzs/mum_always_tells_me_to_stay_eco_friendly/
%
What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2t7n/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
I would love a job cleaning mirrors

It is just something I could really see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2q88/i_would_love_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
%
I asked my mom if by any chance I was adopted.

She replied:Why would we choose you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2q7j/i_asked_my_mom_if_by_any_chance_i_was_adopted/
%
Doesn't the "B" in LGBT

... imply there are only 2 genders?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2pu8/doesnt_the_b_in_lgbt/
%
Don't make fun of vegans...

They only have the energy to be offended once or twice a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2ne3/dont_make_fun_of_vegans/
%
Eurovision must confuse alot of Americans

Because the one with the most votes wins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2l85/eurovision_must_confuse_alot_of_americans/
%
Damn girl are you syria?

She: Umm No, why?
Me: Because you got a lot of fucking problems but i wanna get involved any way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2l0u/damn_girl_are_you_syria/
%
President Trump attempts suicide, fails because of broken rope.

Fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2k58/president_trump_attempts_suicide_fails_because_of/
%
A Reunion for the Greatest Scientific minds in our history

In response to an invitation for a rather unusual reunion party of the all-time greats, the following responses were recorded :
Newton said he'd drop in.
Socrates said he'd think about it.
Ohm resisted the idea.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
Pierre & Marie-Curie radiated with enthusiasm.
Volta was electrified the prospect.
Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.
Ampere was worried that he wasn't current enough, though alternately, none were.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Edison thought it would be illuminating.
Einstein said it it would be relatively easy to attend.
Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Dr. Jekyll declined; he said he hadn't been feeling himself, lately.
Morse said, "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."
Gauss asked whether he was being invited because of his magnetism.
Hertz said he planned to attend with greater frequency in future reunions.
Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he & Orville could get a flight.
And Sigmund Freund couldn't help but give it the slip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2jza/a_reunion_for_the_greatest_scientific_minds_in/
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My teacher thinks that I am a mean boy...

But I think that I am just average.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2i4a/my_teacher_thinks_that_i_am_a_mean_boy/
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So, doctor strange walks into a bar and...

Walks into a bar and...
Walks into a bar and...
Walks into a bar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2g4f/so_doctor_strange_walks_into_a_bar_and/
%
Why does Hitler like acetone?

It's a Polish Remover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2fy8/why_does_hitler_like_acetone/
%
math professor's mistake

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b2d8j/math_professors_mistake/
%
I like my slaves how I like my coffee

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b29wq/i_like_my_slaves_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
I have a photographic memory

I'm still developing it though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b27cr/i_have_a_photographic_memory/
%
A rabbi and a Catholic priest walk through a park

They pass a little boy. The priest says "Let's fuck him", to which the Rabbi responds:
"Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b234s/a_rabbi_and_a_catholic_priest_walk_through_a_park/
%
What does a gay horse eat?

A nutritious and balanced diet provided by their owner, you bigots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b21nu/what_does_a_gay_horse_eat/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

Oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b20d6/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
Vaccines cause cancer

Because you'll live long enough to get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b1y7e/vaccines_cause_cancer/
%
My girlfriend is like my dad...

I don't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b1xn6/my_girlfriend_is_like_my_dad/
%
What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeño business.
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b1v3l/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
%
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b1u8q/how_do_you_cut_ancient_rome_in_half/
%
I was addicted to hokey pokey

But then I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b1rda/i_was_addicted_to_hokey_pokey/
%
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak...

... After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's. Not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b1r6e/a_new_priest_at_his_first_mass_was_so_nervous_he/
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What did Batman tell Robin before they got in the car?

Get in the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b1qyk/what_did_batman_tell_robin_before_they_got_in_the/
%
Friendship is like peeing your pants

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b1ox2/friendship_is_like_peeing_your_pants/
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What did the grape say when he was stepped on?

Nothing. He just let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b1o8i/what_did_the_grape_say_when_he_was_stepped_on/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that little thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b1ljx/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
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What do you call a computer teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b1e5f/what_do_you_call_a_computer_teacher_who_touches/
%
Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b1c7g/why_was_the_blonde_snorting_sweet_and_low/
%
Another blonde joke...

A blonde was speeding on a highway when a policeman pulled her over.
The policeman walks up to the blonde and say "excuse me ma'am can I see your driving license and registration."
The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took my license away and then today you expect me to show it to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b142t/another_blonde_joke/
%
The Professor's Lecture

Professor Drobkin was about to lead a lecture in front of a large group of students and fellows at the University, and he was terribly nervous. He had never been very good at speaking in front of large audiences, so he'd practiced at home constantly with a set of notecards.
When he was summoned to the podium, his palms were clammy and sweat was trickling behind his eyeglasses. Taking a deep breath, he stood behind the microphone and took out his notecards. Just then a massive bead of sweat went right into his eye, and as he reached up to wipe it away, he knocked the mic clean off the podium, and it fell to the ground.
"Terribly sorry! Sorry, I'll just...." and as he spun to pick it up, his notecards showered to the floor.
"Haha, erm, I'll just collect these..." and he bent over to pick them up. Just as he was grabbing his notes, he let loose a tremendous fart, right into the microphone.
The crowd roared, there was no containing them after this, and Drobkin, red-faced, ran off the stage, got in his car, drove home, and told his wife they had to move immediately.
Years passed.
Drobkin changed his name. Moved to the other side of the country.  Taught in a similar field, and found similar success. Raised a family.
Eventually (under his new name of course) he wrote a pretty popular book, for academic standards, and was doing a circuit across the US. And as fate would have it, he was booked to do a signing in his old hometown.
He checked into his hotel, and the clerk asked, "First time visiting our fair city, Professor Smith?" And old Drobkin says, "Well...not exactly. People don't know this, but I lived here a long, long time ago. And something happened that made me leave, and I've not been back since."
The clerk put down his pen and said, "Sir, you're not asking for my advice, but I'm gonna give it to you. I've found, hearing the stories of so many people come and go, that while we relive our own mistakes, everyone else is too busy reliving their own to care.  So don't take it hard. Especially after, how long?"
"Twenty-seven years."
"Twenty-seven years? Before or after the Drobkin fart?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b13vj/the_professors_lecture/
%
Just found out I passed my Hepatitis test today!

I got  a C!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0zut/just_found_out_i_passed_my_hepatitis_test_today/
%
My teacher got mad at me when I had sex with the only girl in my class

Homeschool problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0y30/my_teacher_got_mad_at_me_when_i_had_sex_with_the/
%
I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.

As she got in I asked, *"How much for a blow job?"*
She said, *"Thirty dollars."*
I said, *"Can you do twenty?"*
*"Yeah, okay"*, she replied.
I said, *"Great, here's $600 then."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0vjf/i_stopped_my_car_beside_a_prostitute_last_night/
%
Those studies that say people often die from smoking are bullshit.

My uncle smoked. He died only once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0uxg/those_studies_that_say_people_often_die_from/
%
Why Donkey Kong always brushes his teeth?

To prevent tooth DK.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0uu5/why_donkey_kong_always_brushes_his_teeth/
%
Someone threw a dollar coin at the Mayor of Detroit

Police are trying to figure out if it's assault or a bailout package.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0usd/someone_threw_a_dollar_coin_at_the_mayor_of/
%
I cannot stand watching porn

I find that I wank much better sitting down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0tss/i_cannot_stand_watching_porn/
%
Uh, maybe this is the vodka talking, but...

*Hey, I am made of potatoes!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0tp0/uh_maybe_this_is_the_vodka_talking_but/
%
A co-worker was bragging that her boyfriend was taking her to Monaco to see the Grand Prix.

I said, "Sorry to disappoint you, but it's not actually pronounced that way..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0tn7/a_coworker_was_bragging_that_her_boyfriend_was/
%
Why is it "mankind"?

It rolls off the tongue much better than "womancruel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0sv2/why_is_it_mankind/
%
Have you heard of the Mexican magician?

He claimed he could disappear at the counter of three.
He said uno, dos...... And vanished without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0sse/have_you_heard_of_the_mexican_magician/
%
Police are like a box of chocolates...

They kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0sqn/police_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
A man was hospitalized with six plastic horses up his ass...

The doctor described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0slq/a_man_was_hospitalized_with_six_plastic_horses_up/
%
My English teacher once said "You know you've got a good dictionary if it has the definition for fuck".

I told him, "I can do ya better, my dad's got 40 magazines that define and show examples of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0pf4/my_english_teacher_once_said_you_know_youve_got_a/
%
I got a job as a Triangle player in a Reggae band.

I just stand in the back and ting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0nbn/i_got_a_job_as_a_triangle_player_in_a_reggae_band/
%
Whats the difference between a dirty bus station and a crab with breast implants?

Ones a crusty Bus Station, the others a busty Crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0l0a/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_station/
%
People who don't laugh at cancer jokes

have no sense of tumor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0kvj/people_who_dont_laugh_at_cancer_jokes/
%
Got anything smaller?

I was at the store today and handed the clerk a $20 bill.
He handed it back and asked if I had anything smaller.
So I folded the $20 bill in half and handed it back to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0i4a/got_anything_smaller/
%
Playing the piano is like living.

I gave up on piano at 7 years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0gkq/playing_the_piano_is_like_living/
%
How is Love like a fart?

If you have to force it, it's probably s**t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0f5a/how_is_love_like_a_fart/
%
Man I hate gay men

They're fucking assholes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0ehs/man_i_hate_gay_men/
%
Why is it hard to be a Dick?

His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0e88/why_is_it_hard_to_be_a_dick/
%
I see you have turned Autocorrect off.

I also like to lige dargejonsly.
I see you have turned Autocorrect back on.
I also like to lube degenerates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0d3w/i_see_you_have_turned_autocorrect_off/
%
I love eating during sex

..I don't care if it annoys the people in the restaurant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0bbp/i_love_eating_during_sex/
%
I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke

but you didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0at8/i_thought_id_tell_you_a_good_time_travel_joke/
%
Hitler: What's the weather like today?

Nazi: Hail, Hitler!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0app/hitler_whats_the_weather_like_today/
%
I know there's a reason why I cut my hands off.

I just can't put my finger on it right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b0abw/i_know_theres_a_reason_why_i_cut_my_hands_off/
%
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b08z0/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
Turns out, when you drain the swamp...

You are left with nothing, but the shit at the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b06u1/turns_out_when_you_drain_the_swamp/
%
I like my women how I like my freezers..

Cold and empty inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b06t7/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_freezers/
%
I was going to make a salty chemistry joke

But NA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6b05ke/i_was_going_to_make_a_salty_chemistry_joke/
%
What does Batman put in his drinks?

Just ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azzi1/what_does_batman_put_in_his_drinks/
%
[ORIGINAL JOKE] A secretary is like...

a pencil sharpener, you can't really say it's yours until you screw it on your desk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azyx8/original_joke_a_secretary_is_like/
%
My friend hates left-handed people.

He's such a right supremacist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azyqh/my_friend_hates_lefthanded_people/
%
Why do Jewish people have big noses?

Air is free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azy86/why_do_jewish_people_have_big_noses/
%
Jake, my pussy-eating frog

A guy walks into a bar holding a frog and when he sits down next to a hot blonde, he sets the frog on the bar. She turns to him and asks, "What the hell is that frog?"
"That's Jake, my pussy-eating frog."
The blonde looks at the frog, shakes her head and goes back to her drink. An hour passes and she gets curious. "What did you say that frog was?"
"That's Jake, my pussy-eating frog."
She still can't believe it and goes back to her drink. Another hour passes and she is getting pretty intoxicated. She is really curious about the frog now. Drunkenly she asks, "Wha did you shay that frog wash?"
"That's Jake, my pussy-eating frog."
She finally bursts out, "I don't belie' that one bit! Show me!" She hikes up her skirt and sits on the bar in front of the frog. The man points at his frog and says "Jake, eat!"
The frog looks around, confused. The man says, a bit more irritated, "Jake, eat!!"
The frog looks around and doesn't know what to do. The man was really angry and said, "Jake, EAT!" The frog sits there and does nothing.
The man shakes his head and says to the frog, "All right, Jake. I'll show you ONE MORE TIME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azxkk/jake_my_pussyeating_frog/
%
*Creating password*

"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
^Edited ^for ^better ^understanding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azwdg/creating_password/
%
Anal sex is like spinach

If you're forced to try it as a kid, you won't like it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azvsy/anal_sex_is_like_spinach/
%
How did we know Adam was white

Did you ever try taking a rib from a brotha?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azvqi/how_did_we_know_adam_was_white/
%
Tomorrow isn't just mother's day

It's son-day as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azvqc/tomorrow_isnt_just_mothers_day/
%
If you ever miss the Tour de France, just go to Amsterdam.

It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azv3t/if_you_ever_miss_the_tour_de_france_just_go_to/
%
Guy walks into a bar.....

Sits down starts chatting with the bartender.
The guy, lets call him Bill, points at a building across the street and says "i built that building, but nobody calls me bill the building builder"
He points at a fountain, says "i built that fountain, but nobody calls me Bill the fountain builder"
He points at a statue and says "i built that statue, but nobody calls me Bill the statue builder"
He then says "how is it that the one time i fuck a goat im branded for life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azt3j/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
One night at dinner, Watson watches Sherlock unhinge his jaw and eat a line of sausages nearing six feet. Amazed, Watson asked, "How did you do that??"

Sherlock replied, "Alimentary, my dear Watson".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azrjk/one_night_at_dinner_watson_watches_sherlock/
%
How many magazines do you need to buy to get a pair of tennis shoes?

Ten issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azokf/how_many_magazines_do_you_need_to_buy_to_get_a/
%
A drunk chick at the club offered me a blow job, but I turned her down. She looked too much like my sister.

And my sister is terrible at blow jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azod1/a_drunk_chick_at_the_club_offered_me_a_blow_job/
%
What does Pokemon and a prison break have in common?

You gotta catch Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azi3z/what_does_pokemon_and_a_prison_break_have_in/
%
What's the difference between a prostitute with diarrhoea and an epileptic oyster shucker?

One shucks between fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azgfm/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_with/
%
Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azdt4/is_google_male_or_female/
%
A drunk staggers out of a bar and up to two priests…

He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest. "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest replies, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6azahz/a_drunk_staggers_out_of_a_bar_and_up_to_two/
%
I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises

That woman blows my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6az94c/i_love_it_when_my_girlfriend_says_men_think_with/
%
My girlfriend told me we were going to have sex like an rpg tonight...

She played the boss character, and I was the adventurer. Unfortunately though it appeared I was under level, so I ended up having to swap out with another member of my party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6az90b/my_girlfriend_told_me_we_were_going_to_have_sex/
%
Why is Spongebob the main character?

Isn't Patrick the Star?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6az5dq/why_is_spongebob_the_main_character/
%
Why shouldn't you date a keeper?

You'll never get to score

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6az3m1/why_shouldnt_you_date_a_keeper/
%
Making love to a woman is like playing the violin.

You're not doing it right unless your jaw hurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6az347/making_love_to_a_woman_is_like_playing_the_violin/
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The Bet

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: "I want to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude."
They agree to her unusual request and she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams: "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.
For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says: "What did she roll, anyway?"
The second dealer says: "I don't know. I thought *you* were watching."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6az2r1/the_bet/
%
What do you call a camel with no hump?

Humphrey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ayzhj/what_do_you_call_a_camel_with_no_hump/
%
Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ayxzu/today_i_finally_took_the_decision_to_ground_one/
%
Have you seen Stevie wonder's new piano?

Neither has he

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aywy9/have_you_seen_stevie_wonders_new_piano/
%
What's the most common outfit in WWII?

Casual-tees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ayuxs/whats_the_most_common_outfit_in_wwii/
%
R. I. P Boiled water

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ayulr/r_i_p_boiled_water/
%
Little Timmy saw his dad drive by...

It's a sunny day, and little Timmy was outside playing by himself, when he saw his dad drive by with Aunt Karen in the passenger seat. They drive off into the woods nearby, and little Timmy runs after them to see what's going on. Upon learning what it is dad and Aunt Karen is doing out in the woods by themselves, he runs home as fast as he can to tell mom about it.
Timmy bursts in the door and finds his mom in the kitchen, and he yells, "Mom! I just saw daddy and Aunt Karen drive off into the woods together!"
Timmy's mom asks, "And then what happened, sweetie?"
"Well, Aunt Karen started kissing dad on the mouth. And then daddy helped Aunt Karen take her shirt off, and she helped him get out of his pants. And then..."
Timmy's mom interrupts, "Hold on sweetie. Why don't you save the rest of the story for when daddy gets home for dinner, I'd like to see his reaction to your story."
So Timmy's dad comes home for dinner, they're all sitting around the table when the mom goes, "So Timmy, why don't you tell us about what you saw today?"
"Well, I saw daddy and Aunt Karen in the woods. And Aunt Karen was kissing daddy. Then daddy took her shirt off, and Aunt Karen helped dad take his pants off. And then they kissed some more and did that thing that mommy and Uncle Gary always used to do when daddy was out of town for work."
*Edit - a word*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ayr4a/little_timmy_saw_his_dad_drive_by/
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How do you think Jesus felt about being crucified?

I'll bet he was a little cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aypyj/how_do_you_think_jesus_felt_about_being_crucified/
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(Original) A professor, a construction worker, a biologist, and a doctor walk into a bar.

A professor, a construction worker, a biologist, and a doctor walk into a bar.
First the professor sighs. The bartender asks him what's wrong. The professor says, "As you can see, I'm a professor of philosophy, and today I went in too deep. I was in a lecture and was explaining a particularly deep philosophy. My student complained that I was going too far, but I kept going deeper and deeper. In the end, I went so deep that my student dropped the class!"
The construction worker hears that and scoffs. He turns to the professor and says, "You call that a problem? Let me tell you a real man's problem. As you can see, I am an excavation expert. I was working today and was digging a particularly deep hole. My contractor complained that I was going too far, but I kept going deeper and deeper. In the end, I went so deep that I broke a pipeline!"
The biologist hears both of their stories and scoffs. He turns to the professor and the construction worker and says, "You call that a problem? My problem was a matter of life and death! As you can see, I am a marine biologist. I was scuba diving today and was making a particularly deep dive. My assistant said that I was going too far, but I kept going deeper and deeper. In the end, I went so deep that I nearly drowned!"
The doctor, who has been listening quietly this whole time, finally speaks up. "You call those problems? Let me tell you about one that is both a real man's problem and a matter of life and death. As you can see, I'm a proctologist..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aynhf/original_a_professor_a_construction_worker_a/
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ayneu/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_yesterday/
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What do you call a person without a body and a nose?

Nobody knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aym8b/what_do_you_call_a_person_without_a_body_and_a/
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Guitarist Arrested for Fingering Minor...

Considered to be a fret to himself and others

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aylck/guitarist_arrested_for_fingering_minor/
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You know what really grinds my gears?

Not pushing the clutch in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ayi1m/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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What time do Elves usually meet?

Around Twelvish
I'm ashamed to say that this is OC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ayh2h/what_time_do_elves_usually_meet/
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Steve Jobs and Trump had one thing in common, both hated the PC culture

Political correctness and pancreatic cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aydix/steve_jobs_and_trump_had_one_thing_in_common_both/
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They say it's good to have friends in high places

but now everyone is dead and the cops say it's murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ayda3/they_say_its_good_to_have_friends_in_high_places/
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Teacher: use dandelion in a sentence

Jamaican Student: de cheetah is faster dandelion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aycxo/teacher_use_dandelion_in_a_sentence/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ayc64/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen...

I can feel it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aybuu/ive_just_started_reading_my_first_ever_braille/
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What do you call a monkey without a tail

a monkev

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ay695/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_without_a_tail/
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I'm not that into threesomes

If I wanted to disappoint 2 people at once, I'd just talk to my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ay64p/im_not_that_into_threesomes/
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Found my wife's G Spot lastnight!

Turns out her sister had it the whole time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ay5hz/found_my_wifes_g_spot_lastnight/
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What do you call a hunter class Neanderthal with Parkinson's Disease?

Shakespeare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ay5dl/what_do_you_call_a_hunter_class_neanderthal_with/
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Two Marble Statues

There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza. For centuries they have stood frozen, staring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush to fulfill their greatest desires.
After about half an hour of rustling around in the bushes they emerge, panting and sweaty.
"Wow", says one of the statues, "that was amazing",
"A dream come true", says the other,"but we've got half an hour left, what should we do now?"
"I know", the first responds,"this time I'll hold the pigeon down while you shit on it."
Credits to /u/Hovercraft_eel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ay39w/two_marble_statues/
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Stopped by the police

I spilled some gas on my sleeve while gassing up one day. Got back on the  highway and lit up a smoke  and started my sleeve on fire. I put my arm out the window but the flames did not go away. I sped up to 70 then 80 when I noticed the flashing lights behind me. The cop says "looks like I'm going to have to write you a couple of tickets " I said I know I was speeding but what else?"
"Possession of a firearm sir "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ay1wr/stopped_by_the_police/
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There are two kinds of people in this world

1) Those who pee in the shower
2) Fucking liars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ay0vk/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
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What does the sign on an out of business Brothel say?

Beat it, we're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ay004/what_does_the_sign_on_an_out_of_business_brothel/
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The Girlfriend joke.

So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself.
Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?"
And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel.
So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh... No thanks, I'm good."
"Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out."
So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this."
So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner."
So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick.
A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it."
So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever.
So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream.
So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me."
I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well...alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow
So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again."
"Wait, what? Why not? What happened?"
"Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me."
"I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person"
"She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me."
"I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow."
I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on.
So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up.
Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her.
Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE.
And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6axwxz/the_girlfriend_joke/
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Never give a donation to someone collecting for a charity marathon.

They'll take the money and run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6axu09/never_give_a_donation_to_someone_collecting_for_a/
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I like my beer how I like my violence

Domestic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6axsxv/i_like_my_beer_how_i_like_my_violence/
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Anti-vaxxers won't get this...

Grandchildren

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6axs3p/antivaxxers_wont_get_this/
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What did William Shakespeare write in 1598?

95% of the jokes on this fucking sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6axmw2/what_did_william_shakespeare_write_in_1598/
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So here's a story...

A couple years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my room mate, Joseph, barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I didn't know Joseph THAT well, I don't even remember where he was from, but I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glas shard in his eye, making him completely blind on that eye. He had to walk around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple months. Then he suddenly disapeared one night, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they had bonded during the time after his injuries and ran away together without even leaving a note behind for me. I tried to track them down but I never found them.
In conclusion; if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6axkx1/so_heres_a_story/
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How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6axgh9/how_did_the_burger_king_get_the_dairy_queen/
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If I tell you I have to kill you

A man goes with his wife to a magic show, after the magician preform an amazing trick the man shout "Bravo! Please tell him how you did it" the magician answer "if I tell you I have to kill you"
So the man said "so tell my wife".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6axfz7/if_i_tell_you_i_have_to_kill_you/
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What is the most common attire during WWII?

Casual Tees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6axeue/what_is_the_most_common_attire_during_wwii/
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If Aprils showers bring May flowers, what does the May flower bring?

Genocide and smallpox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6axe9s/if_aprils_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_does_the/
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April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?

June bugs.
What do June bugs bring? Small grub-eating mammals, wasps, and endoparasitoid pyrgotidae flies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6axe0a/april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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Hear the one about the Buddhist monk who *almost* achieved total spiritual enlightenment?

He only made it to Nearvana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6axcxj/hear_the_one_about_the_buddhist_monk_who_almost/
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Making love to a woman is like playing a violin…

I don't know how to do it…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6axcoy/making_love_to_a_woman_is_like_playing_a_violin/
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How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ax2rn/how_do_you_know_how_heavy_a_chili_pepper_is/
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Only females will get this...

Pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ax1vw/only_females_will_get_this/
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Two married men are talking: - My mother-in-law is an angel

- You're lucky, mine's still alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ax0y0/two_married_men_are_talking_my_motherinlaw_is_an/
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I was going to tell a vegetable joke

But I wasn't sure if you would carrot all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6awvn7/i_was_going_to_tell_a_vegetable_joke/
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*As we oldies know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.*

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Georgie grinned, 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
*So I wrote down* :
*ID10T*
I used to like Georgie, the little shithead.!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6awshv/as_we_oldies_know_sometimes_we_have_trouble_with/
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Explaining to my Married Friends how Tinder works.

Me :  So you swipe right if you like them and swipe left if you don't like
Them : Ohhhhhh
Me : So basically you need to log in to the Facebook account to access the app.
Them : Ohhhhhh
Me : Don't worry nothing gets posted on Facebook
Them : Ohhhhhh
P. S - Only Married Folks understand the subtle difference in the Ohhhhhhs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6awnx9/explaining_to_my_married_friends_how_tinder_works/
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A man told his wife that he dreamt of a beautiful woman...

His wife asks: "Was she alone in your dream?"
"Yes, she was. How did you know?" - The husband replies
The wife says: "Because her husband was in my dream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6awms3/a_man_told_his_wife_that_he_dreamt_of_a_beautiful/
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If comedy = tragedy + time, what's comedy + time?

A repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6awmmx/if_comedy_tragedy_time_whats_comedy_time/
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What is Beethoven doing now?

Decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6awmew/what_is_beethoven_doing_now/
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How do you get an art school graduate off your porch?

Pay for the pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6awk5m/how_do_you_get_an_art_school_graduate_off_your/
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I guess I'll never know the global favourite porn category

What is the world cumming to?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6awgm5/i_guess_ill_never_know_the_global_favourite_porn/
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How the Seven Dwarfs got their names..

Miss Snow White was a randy cow
And desperate for a fcuk,
So off she went into the woods
To try and get some luck.
She’d almost given up looking
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage
And went on in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds
And she’d just removed her pants,
When seven dwarves came marching in
With a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless
And thought she was in heaven,
Originally after one good shag
But now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command
“My fanny needs a lick!”
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said “You’d better drop you prick”
So down he went onto all fours,
and said “I ain’t licking that”,
“Not there, that is my arse-hole
You DOPEY little brat!”
The next dwarf started blushing,
“Do we have to do it here?”
Snow White said “Don’t be BASHFUL
Unless you’re a f*cking queer”
So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big “Heigh-Ho”
As she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn’t smiling
Cos he hadn’t had a sniff,
And due to his impatience
He couldn’t raise a stiff.
“Relax” you GRUMPY bastard”,
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his f*ckin load.
The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
With three dwarves left she turned and said,
“You’re next, I want your knob!”
But not sooner had he entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.
“Wake up you SLEEPY bastard”
She wanted more from him,
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw,
A dazed Snow White them whimpered
“That should be against the law.”
He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
“No wonder you’re so HAPPY,
With that fcuking great big prick”
With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said, “You’ll have to use your tongue,
My twat can’t take no more!”
And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And ‘cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf “DOC”.
Now Snow White couldn’t do much,
With all that spadge inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.
So there’s the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.
There’s one more thing you need to know,
And that’s – What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you’re drinking,
Next time you order 7-Up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6awfsf/how_the_seven_dwarfs_got_their_names/
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I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help.

Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6awcm4/i_saw_a_kid_being_beat_up_by_4_adults_and_tried/
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Why are pool tables green?

You would be green too, if I poked your balls with a stick all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aw6ce/why_are_pool_tables_green/
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An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp.

He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.” “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.” “Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aw6ab/an_explorer_goes_into_an_undiscovered_tomb_for/
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Fat people aren't marginalized

They're buttered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aw38u/fat_people_arent_marginalized/
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What's the difference between erotic and pervert?

Erotic is when he tickles you with a feather.
Pervert is when the chicken is still attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avz0t/whats_the_difference_between_erotic_and_pervert/
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How to catch a bear

First, you dig a big hole in the ground out in the woods and you fill it to the top with ash.
Second, place fresh peas all around the hole.
Then when the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avxti/how_to_catch_a_bear/
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A virgin goes to a brothel for his first time.

The woman takes him into a room and says, "We're going to try this position called 69. I think you'll like it."
He lies down on the bed. She gets on top and they start going at it. Everything is fine for the first few minutes, and then she lets out a huge fart, right in the guy's face. She apologizes and they get back to business.
A few minutes later, she rips another fart, bigger than the first one.
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he says. "I don't think I can take another 67 of those, though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avtky/a_virgin_goes_to_a_brothel_for_his_first_time/
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Waiter steps up, "Donner, Party of two."

"Uh, yeah it's just one now...and uh, I'm not hungry anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avstg/waiter_steps_up_donner_party_of_two/
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Who's guilty here?

A wife is dreaming while asleep in the bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick, my husband is home!"
Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avsso/whos_guilty_here/
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A man goes to a prostitute, they get to a private room and the prostitute asks, "What would you like to do hun?" "I enjoy fantasy roleplay," he replies

She sidles up to him and begins flirtatiously touching his chest and arms, "Whatever you want baby, but some things cost extra."
"I'll pay you $5000 for anal, but without a condom," he exclaims.
The woman thinks about this for a moment but that much money was too much to pass up and she relented quickly.
They passionately embraced and both enjoyed the situation intensely before reaching a shuddering climax together.
As they basked in the afterglow, she turned and snuggled against him and asked quizzically, "I hope you had fun, I couldn't figure out what kind of roleplay we were doing though."
"Oh that," he replied calmly, "I like to pretend I'm rich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avsep/a_man_goes_to_a_prostitute_they_get_to_a_private/
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A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avpk3/a_fellow_bought_a_new_corvette_and_was_out_on_an/
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The difference between Jesus Christ and a picture of Jesus Christ.

You can hang the picture with one nail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avnt9/the_difference_between_jesus_christ_and_a_picture/
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Why don't Romans find algebra interesting?

X is always 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avn9q/why_dont_romans_find_algebra_interesting/
%
A man is sitting in his living room watching television, when he hears a knock at the door…

He gets up to see who it is. He opens the door and sees nothing but a lonely snail on his porch. He then proceeds to pick up the snail and throw it as far as he can out of frustration and go back to his T.V.
2 years pass and he's again sitting in his living room watching television, when he hears a knock at the door. He gets up to see who it is, and finds the same snail from 2 years ago.
The snail then looks up at the guy and says "Hey! What the hell was that all about!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avmkc/a_man_is_sitting_in_his_living_room_watching/
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A woman walks into a grocery store...

She picks up
1 loaf of bread,
1 carton of eggs,
1/2 gallon of milk,
and a copy of Us Weekly
she proceeds the cashier.
He says "Oh, you must be single".
"Yes" She said shyly "How could you tell?"
" Because you're fucking ugly" he says

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avm2r/a_woman_walks_into_a_grocery_store/
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love lasts forever...

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avk8v/love_lasts_forever/
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one of my favourite jokes.

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avjrv/one_of_my_favourite_jokes/
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Wife

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avg8i/wife/
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Did you hear about the guy who had a sexual attraction to the legal system?

He got off on a technicality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avcv4/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_had_a_sexual/
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Two goldfish are sitting in a tank. One turns to the other and says:

I'll drive. You man the gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6avcsf/two_goldfish_are_sitting_in_a_tank_one_turns_to/
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you as a reverse psychologist?

Me: You shouldn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6av6jf/interviewer_why_should_we_hire_you_as_a_reverse/
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I had a really bad day. First, my ex got run over by a taxi.

Then I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6auzvq/i_had_a_really_bad_day_first_my_ex_got_run_over/
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BBQ

Mark and his wife were working in their garden one day when Mark looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbeque." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's booty. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbeque!" The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Mark is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this Big-Ass grill for one little weenie?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6auzp8/bbq/
%
There's a new show on Broadway called "Puns"

It's a play on words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6auw8x/theres_a_new_show_on_broadway_called_puns/
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A guy goes to the party dressed in nothing but his pants...

Someone asks him what he's supposed to be.
He replies "premature ejaculation"
The man asks him "how's that?"
He then says "well I just came in my pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6auvq9/a_guy_goes_to_the_party_dressed_in_nothing_but/
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What do you call the guy who gets all the women pregnant?

Mister Period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ausyf/what_do_you_call_the_guy_who_gets_all_the_women/
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The people at my new job must be pretty fit...

They asked me if I wanted to sign up for their 401k, i can barely even run a 5k.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ausgi/the_people_at_my_new_job_must_be_pretty_fit/
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How do you start an Ethiopian rave?

Tape a piece of bread to the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aus7l/how_do_you_start_an_ethiopian_rave/
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Did you hear about the viagra shipment that got stolen?

Police say they're looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aurnn/did_you_hear_about_the_viagra_shipment_that_got/
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I can count the number of times I've visited Chernobyl on one hand...

Seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aurm5/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_visited/
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They say breaking a mirror will give you 7 years of bad luck...

...but breaking a condom will give you 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6auqoo/they_say_breaking_a_mirror_will_give_you_7_years/
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Boss: You can't wear jeans with holes in them to work.

Dave: it's a fashion trend.
Boss: Dave we can see your asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6auoox/boss_you_cant_wear_jeans_with_holes_in_them_to/
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Why do Jewish guys get circumcised?

Because they know Jewish girls can't resist something that's 30% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aulks/why_do_jewish_guys_get_circumcised/
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What's Bin Laden's favorite football team?

The New York Jets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6auggj/whats_bin_ladens_favorite_football_team/
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My mom dresses like my dad and my dad dresses like my mom

They're transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6auepp/my_mom_dresses_like_my_dad_and_my_dad_dresses/
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A priest, a lawyer and a physicist were sentenced to death by guillotine

The priest was first to receive his sentence, he bent on the stand, the executioner closed on his head and asked him if he had any last words, the priest said "God .. I know god will save me from this", the executioner pulled the handle, the blade started to fall, but it stopped right on top of the priest's nick, every one stood speechless, it was decided that this is a sign from god, and the priest was free to go, next came the lawyer and again, the executioner closed on his head and asked him if he had any last words, the lawyer said "Justice .. I know Justice will save me from this", the executioner pulled the handle, the blade started to fall, but it stopped right on top of the lawyer 's nick, every one stood speechless just like the other time, it was decided that this is another sign from god, and the lawyer was free to go, and last was the physicist, like the past two times the executioner  asked him if he had any last words, the physicist said "I am a man of logic, I don't believe in justice and I don't know god, but I know that there is knot in the rope* stopping the blade from reaching its final destination", so executioner solved the knot and they carried on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aub6f/a_priest_a_lawyer_and_a_physicist_were_sentenced/
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If you don't know the difference between "your" and "you're"

your stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6au8uo/if_you_dont_know_the_difference_between_your_and/
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What do you call RuPaul's crossdessing sister?

RuBarb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6au8gz/what_do_you_call_rupauls_crossdessing_sister/
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What's the difference between a stoner and a Jew?

The stoner doesn't scream when it's baked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6au7pr/whats_the_difference_between_a_stoner_and_a_jew/
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What do you call a fat person that is skilled in everything?

A well rounded person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6au3lg/what_do_you_call_a_fat_person_that_is_skilled_in/
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What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one?

"Between you and me, we could make a lot of money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6au2q6/what_did_one_of_the_blondes_legs_say_to_the_other/
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Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6au1hm/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_down_the_well/
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You poke her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6au0xg/how_do_you_wake_up_lady_gaga/
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Only anti-vaxxers will get this...

Measles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aty2a/only_antivaxxers_will_get_this/
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Why was the circumcision doctor so rich ?

He kept all of the tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6atwit/why_was_the_circumcision_doctor_so_rich/
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I was banned from the airport last week

Apparently security doesnt like it when you call Shotgun while boarding the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6atufb/i_was_banned_from_the_airport_last_week/
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I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend...

Though to be fair, so did everyone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6atu9k/i_won_first_place_in_a_political_correctness/
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What's the difference between a boner and a cheese burger

You're not giving me a cheeseburger right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6atszd/whats_the_difference_between_a_boner_and_a_cheese/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6atotu/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
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I used to think that I was good at self-deprecating jokes.

Turns out I'm not good at anything :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6atmn5/i_used_to_think_that_i_was_good_at/
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There's a family with the last name Joke who have these creepy stalker impostors, when one day, the Joke family sees some shooting stars while on a road trip and disappear.

The news breaks that this family had disappeared while driving on the road. The search begins and they find a car similar to the one Mr. Joke was driving. They open and find who they believe to be the Jokes. They interview them but the story seems to be inconsistent with the actual event. They get DNA evidence from the Joke's house and from the other people and it's not a match. They determine that the Jokes had been sucked up by a small icy extraterrestrial body and put the impostors on trial for perjury and obstruction of justice. During the trial, the defendants' lawyers tried to defend the impostors when the attorney for the Jokes said,"Nonsense, the real Jokes are in the comets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6atm7b/theres_a_family_with_the_last_name_joke_who_have/
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Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Because they don't have balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6atj69/why_do_women_rub_their_eyes_in_the_morning/
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Why are Trump's ties so long?

Because they go all the way to Russia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6atgv5/why_are_trumps_ties_so_long/
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The tech manager said that none of the programmers will be allowed to work from home.

Because she'd have no way of checking if they were following the dress code.
NOTE: This is actually what she said and not as a joke. All I'll say is it's a hospital in northern Ohio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6atfpj/the_tech_manager_said_that_none_of_the/
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I had sex with my teacher yesterday.

It's good to be homeschooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ateur/i_had_sex_with_my_teacher_yesterday/
%
Why are Alabama weddings so small?

Because you only need to invite one family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ate0o/why_are_alabama_weddings_so_small/
%
Engineer vs. Manager

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says “You must be a manager.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6atdow/engineer_vs_manager/
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Today I came home to my wife crying because she was fired for drinking on the job

She worked at a sperm bank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6atcrw/today_i_came_home_to_my_wife_crying_because_she/
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I got my kid a puppy as a gift, but it died before Christmas...

Now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6at95y/i_got_my_kid_a_puppy_as_a_gift_but_it_died_before/
%
Screw gravity

Always putting me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6at8ld/screw_gravity/
%
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6at4dp/i_wasnt_originally_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
%
I love whiteboards.

They're remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6at3vb/i_love_whiteboards/
%
I told a girl to text me when she got home

She must be homeless, poor thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6at2pv/i_told_a_girl_to_text_me_when_she_got_home/
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adam and eve

Adam and Eve A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6asv8d/adam_and_eve/
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[Long] About an old priest

An really old priest, with an age more than a century, is taken care by the nuns. He was taken care for by the same nun for about forty years, when the nun was chosen to be the abbess of the monastery. The priest is thus ordered to be taken care of by a really young nun.
The new nun takes up the job, without problems so far. One day, though, she goes to the abbess, blushing.
"Abbess, please forgive me, for I have sinned." told the nun.
"What have you sinned, my child?" enquired the abbess.
"You know, I am taking care of the old priest, whom you were taking care of for the past forty years. One day, while I was bathing him, he breaks his usual silence, and tells me: 'My dear, you can't find it in the writings, but the gates of the heaven lies between your legs, and I have the key to it. Opening it will hurt at first, but when the gate is opened, you will experience heaven itself.'
Not knowingly what do I do, I let him do as hew anted. And indeed, first it was painful, but later on I felt like nothing before..." confessed the nun. Meanwhile, the abbess' face was blushing, becoming even redder than the nun's.
"What do you mean, my daughter? You mean that the key was the thing between his legs?" asked the abbess
"Yes, my holiness, but why?" asked the nun, taken aback.
"Because, the old devil lied to me that it's Gabriel archangel's trumpet, and I've been blowing it for forty years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6asu6h/long_about_an_old_priest/
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Two farm-hands are lying in their bunk house.

One asks the other "Hey Jimbo, what time  is it?"
Jimbo responds, "Well here, let me check." And he pulls out a bugle, and gives it a toot.
From his house, the owner of the farm shouts: "The hell are you playing a bugle for at two in the morning?!"
"Well." Jimbo says, "it's two in the morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6asti7/two_farmhands_are_lying_in_their_bunk_house/
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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knew it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair.
"Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "Hmm, the third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "It came from my asshole."
And so the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6astct/three_men_a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an/
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Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person...

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath.
Because of this, I guess you could call him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6asr6o/mahatma_gandhi_was_a_peculiar_person/
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Why are gay men so well dressed?

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6asmu1/why_are_gay_men_so_well_dressed/
%
The Cold War was so anticlimactic...

I mean, most of it was just Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ask8t/the_cold_war_was_so_anticlimactic/
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What is Jesus Christ's favourite fitness regimen?

CrossFit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6asjux/what_is_jesus_christs_favourite_fitness_regimen/
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Have you seen United Airline's on-board menu?

I heard their Chinese take-out was especially famous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6asjjt/have_you_seen_united_airlines_onboard_menu/
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What did Saint Joseph say when Virgin Mary took her first post birth dump?

Holy shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6asgl2/what_did_saint_joseph_say_when_virgin_mary_took/
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Blind man goes to the proctologist

He's about to get his prostate exam, and askes the Doctor:
- Dr., can I hold your dick while you perform the exam?
- Excuse me? Are you serious?
- Yes, I just want to make sure you're using your finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6asfo2/blind_man_goes_to_the_proctologist/
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What Makes Harry Potter a Great Mob Enforcer?

He is the best at catching snitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6asdtu/what_makes_harry_potter_a_great_mob_enforcer/
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Let me tell you about my ex-wife... God, what an asshole

And her tits weren't bad either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6asde3/let_me_tell_you_about_my_exwife_god_what_an/
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A fly hovers above a lake.

A fly hovers six inches above a lake. A fish, just underneath the surface, thinks "If that fly drops six inches, I can jump up and eat the fly."
Meanwhile, a nearby bear thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, and I can eat the fish."
Meanwhile, a hunter in the bushes thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will eat the fish, and I can shoot the bear." He takes a bite of a cracker, leaving the pack open.
Meanwhile, a mouse near the hunter thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and I can eat one of those crackers."
Meanwhile, a nearby cat thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will eat the crackers, and I can eat the mouse."
So the fly drops onto the water. The fish eats the fly, the bear eats the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse eats the crackers, but the cat overshoots the mouse and lands in the lake.
Moral of the story: Every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy is gonna get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ascu5/a_fly_hovers_above_a_lake/
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A Colonel's wife was walking her dog in a military base.

She was pleased by the snappy salutes she received from a couple of soldiers who passed by.
The effect was lost when she overheard one soldier ask the other, "who is she?" and the other answered, "Don't know...but it is the colonel's dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6as9b4/a_colonels_wife_was_walking_her_dog_in_a_military/
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Oh God save me ...

God: as **jpg** or **pdf**?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6as8wf/oh_god_save_me/
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Beautiful.

One day a teacher is teaching her class how to use words in a sentence. She chooses the word beautiful for them to use and the must say a sentence using that word twice in it. She calls on little Sally and Sally says "My mother bought a beautiful dress and she look beautiful in it." "Very good" the teacher says. She calls on the next student "My mom saw a beautiful recipe and she made a beautiful dinner" "Very good" the teacher says. She noticies that one of her not so favorite students, Timmy, is raising his hand. She call on him and he says "My sister came home pregnant last night and my father said, "Beautiful. Just fucking beautiful."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6as86l/beautiful/
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You know how I escaped Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6as58e/you_know_how_i_escaped_iraq/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian..

an Irishman, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Polack, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, an Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Croat, and a Panamanian go to a fancy bar...
The doorman says: "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6as41g/an_englishman_a_scotsman_a_latvian/
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6as2xd/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
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What did the person that doesn't believe in Plasma say to his father?

"It's not a phase, dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6arxo7/what_did_the_person_that_doesnt_believe_in_plasma/
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What do you call a french ghost that likes anime?

A oui-a-boo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6arxbh/what_do_you_call_a_french_ghost_that_likes_anime/
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Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

Because it wasn't born yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6arwx3/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_fetus/
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I'm obsessed with Linkin park

But in the end it doesn't even matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aruui/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_im/
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"Would you like your meal to go?" "Shut the fuck up"

I love working in the prison cafeteria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6arupd/would_you_like_your_meal_to_go_shut_the_fuck_up/
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Anal sex is like a long road trip

If you don't shit before going you're gonna have a bad time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6arswx/anal_sex_is_like_a_long_road_trip/
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A blind man walks into a bar.

And a chair. And a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6arstr/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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"TRUMP IS GOING TOO FAR"

He deported a printer cause it didnt have papers!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ars0h/trump_is_going_too_far/
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My girlfriend asked me to name...

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6arlsl/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_name/
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What is the one genre of music that Ed Sheeran can never play?

Soul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6arjz7/what_is_the_one_genre_of_music_that_ed_sheeran/
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Cataracts are extremely rare in Japan.

Chevrorets and Rincolns, on the other hand, are quite common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6arhb2/cataracts_are_extremely_rare_in_japan/
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Where was little Jimmy when the bomb blew up?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6are5j/where_was_little_jimmy_when_the_bomb_blew_up/
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My friend just offered to buy me a coffin

i told him that's the last thing i'll need

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ardui/my_friend_just_offered_to_buy_me_a_coffin/
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"What do we want?"

"Low flying airplane noises!"
"When do we want them?"
"NNNNEEEEOOOOWWWW!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ardrb/what_do_we_want/
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Is any word in English more annoying than "bae"?

Maybae not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ardgf/is_any_word_in_english_more_annoying_than_bae/
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My friend told me, "I don't support euthanasia."

I replied, "You should be ashamed of yourself! The young people in Asia deserve as much support as the young people on any other continent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ard3y/my_friend_told_me_i_dont_support_euthanasia/
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Is farm-to-table such a great idea?

I'd prefer a few steps between an egg exiting a chicken vagina and entering my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6arbn1/is_farmtotable_such_a_great_idea/
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They say when you explain a joke that it's no longer funny...

But that's okay because I didn't have the time to write an autobiography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ar9rs/they_say_when_you_explain_a_joke_that_its_no/
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The difference between Oo and oO

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says,
"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"
"I used a diagram, your Honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
"And how did you do?"
"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: oO.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said,
"This is your asshole before prison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ar8l0/the_difference_between_oo_and_oo/
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What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ar82z/what_do_princess_diana_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
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Daughter goes to sex ed...

“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ar7u8/daughter_goes_to_sex_ed/
%
One day a dad was washing the car with his son.

The son said, "dad, can't You  just use a sponge?"
The dad said "no son this builds character."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ar60z/one_day_a_dad_was_washing_the_car_with_his_son/
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As a child I was told that if you stick your penis in the wall socket it would be stuck there forever.

I was shocked to learn that this wasn't true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ar4ym/as_a_child_i_was_told_that_if_you_stick_your/
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Me and my friends had an argument... [NSFW]

Me and my friends had an argument about what was more fucked up,  one of my friends said necrophilia,  the other said bestiality. I would've said both... But I didn't want to beat a dead horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ar39m/me_and_my_friends_had_an_argument_nsfw/
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TIL that diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in the jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ar250/til_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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What did the sheep say to her abusive shepherd?

You're herding me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aqxt1/what_did_the_sheep_say_to_her_abusive_shepherd/
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A priest, a pastor and a rabbi talk shop.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbi were seated at lunch during am Ecumenical congress. After a short period of weather talk they soon were talking shop.
"So, I was wondering how you guys go about distributing the collection monies between the church and God" said the priest. "What we do is draw a big line in chalk on the floor, throw the money in the air, and all that falls to the left is spent on the church and all that falls on the right is to do God's work."
"Well, we do something quite similar" said the pastor. "Only, we draw a circle and whatever falls outside the circle is for God's work."
"You guys over-complicate this" said the rabbi. "I just throw the money in the air, and what Yahweh wants to have He can grab for Himself".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aqxof/a_priest_a_pastor_and_a_rabbi_talk_shop/
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For Sale: Parachute

Only used once. Never opened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aqwu3/for_sale_parachute/
%
Two Hillbillies

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aqvl6/two_hillbillies/
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When my friend turned 40

I sent him a CD in the mail, UB40
A month later on my 40th I received a CD in the mail from him, U2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aqsi2/when_my_friend_turned_40/
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Why do they call it the wonder bra?

When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aqprj/why_do_they_call_it_the_wonder_bra/
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A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.
The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks this must be normal so he continues.
Then he comes across a baby pea, again he is somewhat taken aback but he chalks this up to a lack of experience.
Finally he comes across a piece of corn, so he speaks up.
"Miss, are you sick?"
"No, but the last guy was."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aqpc0/a_virgin_goes_to_a_brothel/
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The painter in the brewery

A painter got a contract to paint the ceiling at a local beer brewery, but sadly, he fell off his 10m ladder into a tank filled with 10,000 liters of beer and drowned.
The director of the brewery informs the wife of the painter that her husband had died in the tragic accident, and assures her that the brewery will support her financially.
Of course, the widow is still devastated by her loss, and under tears she asks the director: "Please tell me, did my husband suffer?", to which the director replies "I don't think so, because he climbed out of the tank twice to take a piss!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aqp26/the_painter_in_the_brewery/
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but I have a PhD...

"Here's a broom go and sweep the floors."
"But I have a PhD..."
"Oh sorry, give me the broom, I'll show you how its done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aqmvi/but_i_have_a_phd/
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A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?'

The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aqekm/a_40_year_old_man_asked_the_trainer_in_the_gym_i/
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I gave my friend an elephant for his room.

He told me "thank you."
I said "don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aqd8l/i_gave_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
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As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

“Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.
“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aqcgc/as_i_lay_in_my_new_girlfriends_bed_i_noticed_four/
%
"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aqbhd/dead_or_alive_youre_coming_with_me/
%
I'm sick of everyone telling me that Jesus saves.

Why the fuck should I care what some Mexican dude does with his money?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aqa4u/im_sick_of_everyone_telling_me_that_jesus_saves/
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I lost 40 pounds in a day;

but I also lost my babysitting job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aq8ln/i_lost_40_pounds_in_a_day/
%
Did you hear about the episode concept for Doctor Who where The Doctor accidentally falls into a food themed alternative dimension?

He was attacked by The Garlics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aq7qz/did_you_hear_about_the_episode_concept_for_doctor/
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Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday ....

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aq7mi/ralph_is_driving_home_one_evening_when_he/
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Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet General Secretary, calls his head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, into his office...

Brezhnev: "Comrade, how many Jews do we have in the Soviet Union?"
Andropov: "Approximately five million, Comrade."
Brezhnev: "And how many Jews do you think would leave if we allowed them to?"
Andropov: "Approximately 20 million, Comrade."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aq7gg/leonid_brezhnev_soviet_general_secretary_calls/
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Three men meet in a Soviet gulag.

They ask each other the reason for incarceration.
"I spoke in favour of Fyodor Antonovich.", says the first.
Surprised the second remarks, " I spoke against Fyodor Antonovich."
With a sigh the third one says,"I am Fyodor Antonovich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aq6wk/three_men_meet_in_a_soviet_gulag/
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The Russian King's Advisor

A long, long time ago, the King and Queen of Russia were at court looking for a new advisor. The wise, scholarly and arrogant came and told the King of tax systems, political intrigue
and the the surrounding kingdoms who could be invaded and pillaged. The King yawned through hours of sitting, dismissing one after the other until the throne room was empty, bar
the guards and herald who were hosting the would-be advisors.
The King turned to his wife and said "These men are all the same, my love. They think they know what they do not, they do not tell me what I've done wrong, how can my kingdom
expand if we continue down the same path for perpituity?"
The queen turned to her husband
"We could summon my Cousin Rudolph, dear"
"Rudolph?" exclaimed the king "That half-wit fool would better serve as a court jester"
"Rudolph knows politics, dear" replied the Queen
After a short while of bickering, out of love for his Queen the King summoned Rudolph to court.
He arrived, dressed in a ragged leather travelling coat, linens spattered in mud and a large pair of fishing waders that came high to his thighs.
The king saw this and chuckled to himself, calling out across the throne room to the queen's cousin "Rudolph, you came many miles in winter, why are you not dressed in Furs?"
Rudolph smiled and replied slowly "Definitely muddy. Can't wash furs in ice"
The guards laughed, the herald smiled, but the king sat with a blank face, taken aback by the logical answer.
And so Rudolph was named as the Kings advisor. The first order of business was the kingdoms tax system. Corruption and inefficiencies meant the crown was only recieving a fraction
of what it was due from the outer settlements. The king explained it all to Rudolph, who sat quietly and nodded, then he said "We have been trying and executing the corrupt officials, who
are just replaced with another"
"Definitely reward them. Don't steal from generous king" said Rudolph, slowly.
"Reward the scoundrels that stole from me? You jest" exclaimed the King, but the Queen simply smiled and said softly "Rudolph knows people, dear"
So on the advice of Rudolph, the officials of towns outside the capital were given lovely houses and a generous wage for their service to the crown, and that year the rents and tarriffs
were recieved in full and on time.
Many years went by and the Kingdom was fine, but one day the King called on Rudolph, who appeared in the throne room with a pregnant goat.
The king looked at him, smiled to himself and asked "Why have you brought this into my throne room?"
"Definitely pregnant." Said Rudolph, slowly. "Milk is expensive"
And the King nodded and told him of his thoughts about trading with their neigbors. The Chinese silk for the Russian furs, the Polish grain for Russian Lumber.
"China" Rudolph said slowly "Definitely Saltpeter"
to which the king stood astounded "Fertaliser? We need that for our crops!"
but the queen simply smiled and turned to her husband; "Rudolph knows China, dear"
"Definitely use it to make thunder and smoke" said Rudolph, throwing his hands in the air "Definitely Bang. Saltpeter for china"
"And what of our other neighbors?" so the King and Rudolph spoke to one another for a great many hours about what to trade and whom to trade with, making plans and sending
emmissaries near and far, and that year the towns and villages on the borders were bustling with trade and caravans back and forth between nations.
Many more years went by and the Kingdom was flourishing, trade and tax had made them wealthy and powerful, much to the dismay of some of their rivals. News reached the
King of a great army coming across the border from Mongolia. The king called his Generals and Rudolph to the throne room.
Seasoned warriors in fine armor and lords in fine silks and furs bickered and argued about troop formations and conscriptions, while Rudolph stood quietly in a Red-fox fur scarf and
a robe.
"Your Grace, we must send cavalry to harrass their supply lines while our army entrenches their pass through the mountains" Said one
"We need our Cavalry to defend the farmlands, bring all the men able to hold a weapon from every village in the land and we will overwhelm them"
This went on and on until the King finally lost his patience and ordered silence. "Rudolph, how should we deal with this?"
Rudolph stood in his robe and red scarf, thinking for a moment and finally spoke "Definitely caltrops. Make all roads spikey"
The generals hearing the half-wit speak started laughing, until the Queen hushed them and said to her husband "Rudolph knows Warfare, dear"
"Mongolia. Definitely Horses" Said Rudolph slowly "Definitely not good army without horses"
And the king ordered every blacksmith and apprentice to work day and night, laying a wide field of caltrops between the mountains.
Two weeks passed, and the Russian Army was assembled ready to face the invaders. Their journey through the mountains had injured and crippled the vast majority of the horses,
many of which had to be eaten. Though outnumbered, the Russians delivered a swift and decisive blow with their cavalry and superior armored warriors.
In a great feast of celebration, the Generals and Lords thanked Rudolph for his strategic victory. In honor of this Victory he was dubbed "Sir Rudolph",  though most of the land
knew him as "Rudolph the Red" for his scarf. As the night grew late and a chill picked up in the air, the moon beamed down on their exhalted assembly, Sir Rudolph came to the King
and said "Definitely Finished. Too wet to continue feast"
"Too wet?" replied the king "There's not a cloud in the sky"
But the queen had already risen, turning to her husband
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aq6or/the_russian_kings_advisor/
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Did you hear about the soldier that got pepper sprayed?

He's a seasoned veteran now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aq3uf/did_you_hear_about_the_soldier_that_got_pepper/
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I probably would have made the same choice...

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a great bike?" asks the first engineer.
The second engineer replies, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, just minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, laid on the ground, and said to me that I could take whatever I wanted."
The second engineer nods approvingly and says, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aq157/i_probably_would_have_made_the_same_choice/
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Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?

They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aq0et/have_you_heard_about_the_new_supersensitive/
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When I was a kid -

My mum used to send me to the corner shop of our street with a ten-bob note, and for that I'd bring back 6 eggs, 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, 5lb of potatoes and a packet of sweets for me. Trouble is, you can't do that today.....
Too many cameras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aq03r/when_i_was_a_kid/
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What's the most confusing day in Harlem?

Father's day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6apyhi/whats_the_most_confusing_day_in_harlem/
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A Pirate Walks Into a Bar

The bartender hasn't seen him in a while and notices he has a few new additions, namely, a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a missing eye. He asks the pirate what happened.
"Well," says the pirate, "I lost my leg in a shark attack when I'd fallen overboard drunk"
"That's terrible" says the bartender. "What about your hand?"
"That there I lost in a duel" replied the pirate
"And your eye?" implored the bartender
"I was on watch the night after the duel and a bird shit in my eye" said the pirate.
"Wait, you lost your eye from bird shit?" the bartender asks.
So the pirate says "Well, I'd only had the hook for a day"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6apuok/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his​ soul to santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aptqp/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
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Why do French like to eat snails so much?

They can't stands fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6apsww/why_do_french_like_to_eat_snails_so_much/
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Why can't dogs perform MRIs?

Because only cats can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6app6h/why_cant_dogs_perform_mris/
%
What is DJ Khaled's favorite number?

Eleven. Because it has another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aphc7/what_is_dj_khaleds_favorite_number/
%
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket

And asked to buy half a head of cabbage.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy...........
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6apgcf/a_man_in_melbourne_walked_into_the_produce/
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A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6apezk/a_mother_and_her_young_son_were_flying_southwest/
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Before art school, Adolf Hitler tried programming,

but he always got stuck on race conditions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6apdx8/before_art_school_adolf_hitler_tried_programming/
%
How did Jesus get sick?

Cross contamination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6apdtn/how_did_jesus_get_sick/
%
If I were to drop LSD at a dubstep concert....

Would the acid neutralize the bass?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ap7kj/if_i_were_to_drop_lsd_at_a_dubstep_concert/
%
As a child I was told that when I grew up I wouldn't need adult supervision.

It must be the case because my eyesight is getting worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ap6qu/as_a_child_i_was_told_that_when_i_grew_up_i/
%
I changed my password

to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ap6gz/i_changed_my_password/
%
Wanna hear a physics pun?

If an aircraft always takes off at an angle, doesn't that make it an inclined plane?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ap6cv/wanna_hear_a_physics_pun/
%
Joke from my 7yr old son - If a bird that flies over the sea is a seagull, what is...

... a bird that flies over the bay?
A BAGEL!
Ba dum, tsss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ap4lb/joke_from_my_7yr_old_son_if_a_bird_that_flies/
%
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking...

Stop and apply lubrication

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ap1o2/what_do_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
%
I went to my local bank today and there was an elderly asian woman in front of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dolla fo yen. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Well Fluc you white people too!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aoyp5/i_went_to_my_local_bank_today_and_there_was_an/
%
Nun 3

A priest is giving a young nun a lift home from church one day,  and as he’s shifting gears, he rests his hand on the nun’s knee.
The young nun looked up at the priest and says, “Father, remember Luke 14:10.”
The priest withdraws his hand, embarrassed.Next time, they stop at a light, He places his hand a little higher up on her thigh,
Again the nun says, “Remember Luke 14:10, Father .”
The priest apologizes, “The flesh is weak,” he says.
So he drops her off, and when he gets home, He reaches for his Bible and he flips to Luke 14:10.Anyone know what it says? What does it say?
“Friend, come up higher, then shalt thou have glory!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aoyhh/nun_3/
%
A blonde is driving through the country

She had just recently dyed her hair brown and was moving out to a small rural community to start a fresh life living off the land.
As she is driving down a down an old gravel road she comes across a farmer moving his sheep across the road, he's almost done so she stops to let him finish. Looking out across the flock she says to the farmer
"That's the biggest flock of sheep I've ever seen!" Seeing her awe the farmer decides to see if he could make a quick buck.
"I'll tell ya what, for $10 you can guess how many sheep I've got here. Guess correctly and I'll let you take any one home with you." The blonde quickly hands over the money suddenly shouting
"7,324!"
"What?! That's exactly right! I'm a man of my word take any one you want."
"I want that one over there" she says pointing just behind the farmer. Slightly confused he says
"Your hair isn't naturally brown is it?"
"Why no, how did you know?"
"If I can guess what colour your hair is naturally can I have my dog back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aoquj/a_blonde_is_driving_through_the_country/
%
If comedy = tragedy + time, what's comedy + time?

A repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aopdd/if_comedy_tragedy_time_whats_comedy_time/
%
What does a bicycle say after a long ride?

"I'm two tired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aoohr/what_does_a_bicycle_say_after_a_long_ride/
%
I just got a repressed memory foam mattress.

It holds me just like my uncle used to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aombv/i_just_got_a_repressed_memory_foam_mattress/
%
[Long] Three nuns die and...

are at the pearly gates. St Peter looks at them and says "You have been extremely devout Christians, but I need to ask 1 question from each of you before you can cross the pearly gates into heaven."
The first nun steps forward and Peter asks "Name the first man created by God." "Adam"  says the nun, the lights start flashing, the trumpets and harps start playing, a puff of smoke and a flash of lightning, the pearly gates open and the nun walks through to heaven.
Nun 2 steps forward and Peter asks "Name the first woman created by God." "Eve" says the nun, the lights start flashing, the trumpets and harps start playing, a puff of smoke and a flash of lightning, the pearly gates open and the nun walks through to heaven.
Nun 3 steps forward, a little nervous. Peter asks "What were the first words spoken by Eve to Adam ?". The nun looks up in space, looks down in prayer, thinking hard and commenting aloud "Gees, that's a hard one", and the lights start flashing, ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aols5/long_three_nuns_die_and/
%
You gotta hand it to Donald Trump...

He's the only orange that makes you say "mmm, peach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aok7z/you_gotta_hand_it_to_donald_trump/
%
A Jewish father was very upset with how his son was turning out

He went to the Rabbi to ask him for some advice. He said, "Rabbi, I'm very worried about my son, I gave him the best possible Jewish education and despite this, he's now in his teens and is becoming a Christian!"
The Rabbi said, "it's funny you should say that, I too had a son who I raised to be a good Jewish boy and in his teens he became a Christian!"
The Jewish father asked the Rabbi what he did, the Rabbi said, "i turned to god."
"and what did he say?" Replied the father,
"He said, it's funny you should say that..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aojmw/a_jewish_father_was_very_upset_with_how_his_son/
%
A man goes to heaven, but the first thing he noticed was a wall covered in clocks.

He asks an angel "What are those clocks for?"
"Each clocks shows represents each human on Earth. Every time they lie, the clock goes a head by one minute. For example, this is the Pope's clock, it has never moved, meaning never in his life has he lied."
The angel goes on. "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. It's only moved twice, meaning Lincoln only lied twice!"
The man asks "Is there clocks for other politicians?"
The angel says "Clocks of other politicians? We use those as ceiling fans for the offices."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aoeqe/a_man_goes_to_heaven_but_the_first_thing_he/
%
I joined a Satanic cult the other day.

Just for the hell of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aoco2/i_joined_a_satanic_cult_the_other_day/
%
A priest and a rabbi are visiting a school...

While they're visiting, the school catches fire. As they're running out of the building the priest asks "Hey what about the kids?"
The rabbi responds "Aw screw those kids!"
The priest says "You think there's time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ao9im/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_visiting_a_school/
%
What did one 80 year old boob say to the other?

If we don’t get it together, people are going to think we’re nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ao6za/what_did_one_80_year_old_boob_say_to_the_other/
%
You don't know how much someone is worth to you

Until you sell them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ao1vd/you_dont_know_how_much_someone_is_worth_to_you/
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Lesbian daughter

Daughter: dad I'm lesbian
2nd daughter: dad so am I!
Dad: Jesus Christ, does anyone in this house like men?
Son: I do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ao1fp/lesbian_daughter/
%
britney vs porn movie

Q: What is the difference between Britney Spears and a porn movie?
A: Porn movies sometimes play good music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6anzpv/britney_vs_porn_movie/
%
How do you circumcise a Priest?

Kick the Altar boy in the chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6anyg1/how_do_you_circumcise_a_priest/
%
What did Britney Spears say when she got a letter from the IRS?

"Oops, audited again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6anxzu/what_did_britney_spears_say_when_she_got_a_letter/
%
A guy gets turned down by every girl he approaches in the bar (NSFW)

Since closing time is only minutes away, he heads outside trying to figure how he won't have to spend the night alone. He sees a local street walker up the road, and decides to pick her up. They check into a rent by the hour motel, wasting no time getting to business. The man stops his new lady friend to tell her that her vagina feels a bit dry. The woman hops up to go to the restroom saying, "Keep the engine running. I've got just the oil you need." When the woman returns to bed, she is wetter than any woman he's ever had. Reveling in post coital bliss, the man can't help but inquire on what she had done in the restroom. Coyly, the woman smiles and says, "I just picked the inner scabs, and let the pus run."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6anx2n/a_guy_gets_turned_down_by_every_girl_he/
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(Oldie but goodie) What do you get when you mix an elephant, a helicopter and a rhino?

Hell if I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6anw01/oldie_but_goodie_what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an/
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My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what "ternative" means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6anuhi/my_girlfriend_texted_me/
%
(Original) Did you hear about the guy who had a sexual attraction to the legal system?

He got off on a technicality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ant3e/original_did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_had_a/
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Whats the difference between children and ISIS?

Drones can't tell either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ansuy/whats_the_difference_between_children_and_isis/
%
Mother's Day

Child: "Mommy, did you want a boy or a girl?"
Mother: "I wanted a fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6annnl/mothers_day/
%
My girlfriend left me because i'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6anlzr/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
Have you ever tried North Korean food?

Neither have the North Koreans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6anldj/have_you_ever_tried_north_korean_food/
%
a Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane...

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6anepp/a_mormon_and_an_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
%
I remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket

He said "HEY, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ane8o/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said_to_me/
%
A wife is watching a cooking show

The husband walks in and says "Why are you watching a cooking show?  You don't even know how to cook!"
The wife replies, "Well you watch porn..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ane38/a_wife_is_watching_a_cooking_show/
%
Which is the best Asian food, Vietnamese or Chinese?

It's a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6andk2/which_is_the_best_asian_food_vietnamese_or_chinese/
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Wanna hear a funny joke?

Me too. Let's keep searching this sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6an83h/wanna_hear_a_funny_joke/
%
German Gameshow

There was a popular German gameshow where contestants would take part in various activities for a grand prize of 1 million euro.
After a very successful run it was time for the final episode and there were only two contestants left: an old Jewish rabbi and a redneck from America.
The host of the gameshow brought them both up to the stage and revealed to them their final task was to think up a poem, and the person with the best poem as judged by the crowd would get the grand prize of 1 million euro. The poem could be about anything, but as to make sure it wasn't too easy, the only requirement placed upon the contestants was that the final word in the poem had to be **"Timbuktu"**.
The rabbi was first and he walked up to the mic, and after a deep breath, said:
>I've been a rabbi all my life,
>
had no children, had no wife.
>
I read the bible through and through,
>
On my way to Timbuktu.
The German crowd cheered and clapped and thought to themselves, "What a fine poem, surely this eloquent rabbi will be the winner."
After the crowd quieted down it was the redneck's turn. The redneck slowly walked up to the microphone.
A moment passed, silence. And then he said
>Tim and I to Bangkok went,
>found three ladies cheap to rent.
>For they were three and we were two,
>I booked one, and Tim booked two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6an5km/german_gameshow/
%
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

it runs through your jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6an3ov/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
My office has Clint Eastwood toilet paper...

It's rough and tough and don't take shit off anybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6an2ip/my_office_has_clint_eastwood_toilet_paper/
%
The concept of drilling for oil was ridiculous in the mid 19th century.

Now we just see it as groundbreaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6amvpf/the_concept_of_drilling_for_oil_was_ridiculous_in/
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Girl, you're like my current account...

I put all my money into you even though there's no interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6amvnl/girl_youre_like_my_current_account/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6amu9m/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
"Dad, how did you come up with my brother's name, 'Legab'?"

"Is it a variation of 'Gabriel' or something?"
"Ah... no sweetie. As you know, your Mom loves bagels so we decided to play with that word".
"Oh... ok. Thanks, Dad!"
"You're welcome, Lana".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6amu32/dad_how_did_you_come_up_with_my_brothers_name/
%
My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6amnff/my_girlfriend_is_a_porn_star/
%
I got into a fight with a dildo

It fucked me up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6amgwq/i_got_into_a_fight_with_a_dildo/
%
I was in a restaurant with my girlfriend when, all of a sudden, I got down on one knee.

Oh Kevin,” she cried. “I can’t believe this is happening!” “Shut the fuck up,” I said, peering over the table. “My wife just walked in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6amfu1/i_was_in_a_restaurant_with_my_girlfriend_when_all/
%
The Washington Capitals walk into a bar.

Everybody orders a drink. They all finish drinking and order another. The Bartender asks if they would like to start a tab. Ovechkin comes out and says, "No, thanks. We always stop at the second round."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6amfs1/the_washington_capitals_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
“Jesus knows you’re here.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”
“The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ame4i/a_burglar_broke_into_a_house_one_night/
%
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar

.  A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.  He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked.  Man, she is fine!"
The biker looked at him and didn't say a word.  His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker still said nothing.  His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6amdmp/three_guys_were_sitting_in_a_biker_bar/
%
A white and a black guy are standing in front of a gun store...

The black guy says: "I'm just gonna buy something in there. You can just wait here.".
The black guy comes to the counter and asks the shopowner: "Do you have any rifles?" the owner says:"No". The black man then asks: "Do you have any revolvers?" the owner again says: "No". The black guy makes a last effort and asks: "But you have ammunition, right?" the owner says: "No".
The black guy leaves the store and tells his white friend what just happened and says:"You know what? I think that the shopowner hates black people! Could you walk in and ask him if he is racist?". The white guy answers with: "Yeah, sure" and walks in and asks the shopowner: "Do you have anything against black people?" the shopowner responds with: "Of course! I can recommend rifles, revolvers and ammunition for your problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ambt8/a_white_and_a_black_guy_are_standing_in_front_of/
%
Just another Nun joke

Four Nuns die in a plane crash.  Upon arrival at the Holy Gates, St. Peter meets them and says that they have to answer one question that will be verified in the Book Of Life before they can enter into the Heavenly kingdom.
The question is "Have you ever touched a man's Private?"
The first nun steps up and says no, but I've seen one in a book.
St. Peter says hold on one moment while I verify your answer...
He returns and says You are correct on Dec. 17, 1964, you saw a man's private in the worldbook encyclopedia, so go wash your face in the holy water and enter the gates of heaven!
The second nun steps up and the same question is asked to her....
she replies I once touched one with my finger.
St. peter goes away for a moment and comes back and states that she has not lied, and that in fact that on Sept. 11, 2001 she had a momentary  weakness and did indeed touch a man's private with one finger.
He tells her to go and wash her hand in the holy water and enter into the gates of heaven!
Now the third and fourth nuns start yelling at each other and soon end up rolling around in a dog eat dog fight...
saint Peter says "ladies, we can't be fighting like this if you are going to enter into the gates of heaven, so what is the problem? "
The fourth nun states " I am going to wash my mouth out with that Holy water before she puts her booty in it !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ambcl/just_another_nun_joke/
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[Long] Beethoven's Grave

When Beethoven died long ago, he was buried in a graveyard.
On a dark and cold night a few days after he died, the town drunk was walking through the yard. While walking, the drunk heard a strange noise coming from Beethoven's grave, and went to inspect. Upon arrival, the drunk heard music and thus was frightened, and went to retrieve the town Priest.
The Priest and the Drunk both arrived at Beethoven's grave, and to both of their amazement, the music was still flowing from  the gravesite. Both frightened, the Priest and the Drunk went to retrieve the Town Magistrate.
The three men stood atop the gravesite and the Magistrate listened closely to the music coming from within. After listening for a few moments, the Magistrate spoke, stating, "Ah yes! I know this piece! It's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony...but backwards?" Puzzled, the three men listened for a few more minutes. The Magistrate spoke again, declaring, "This is quite odd, I've heard Beethoven's Eigth, Seventh, Six, and so on, symphonies but all backwards."
After a few moments of contemplation, the Magistrate turned to the crowd who had gathered around the gravesite and declared, "Have no fear townsfolk, this is just Beethoven decomposing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6am93j/long_beethovens_grave/
%
At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want us to try doggy tonight"

Surprisingly to the husband the wife agrees.
So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweety"
The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "what? What about doggy?"
The husband replies, "honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6am6mw/at_breakfast_a_husband_says_to_his_wife_i_want_us/
%
What's the difference between Melania Trump and the FBI?

The FBI is still coming for President Trump.
(Fixed the typo...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6am5lr/whats_the_difference_between_melania_trump_and/
%
A woman goes to a greengrocers.

She asks the clerk "Can I have some broccoli?"
The clerk says "I'm sorry but I don't have any broccoli. Would you like celery instead?"
The woman says "No thanks, I'll just have some broccoli."
"Ma'am I don't think you understand, I don't have any broccoli. Perhaps some cabbage?"
The woman replies again "No thanks, I'll just have some broccoli."
The clerk stares at her. "Ma'am, can you spell "cat" as in catastrophic?"
The woman looks confused but says "Of course, C-A-T."
The clerk asks again "Can you spell "dog" as in dogmatic?"
"Of course, D-O-G." she replies.
"OK, can you spell "fuck" as in broccoli?"
"There's no fuck in broccoli!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6am570/a_woman_goes_to_a_greengrocers/
%
Come on, Trump has no ties in Russia.

His ties are made in China. His business loans are in Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6am1x6/come_on_trump_has_no_ties_in_russia/
%
Little Timmy wasn't the most gifted student in the class.

One day his teacher asked him to write a paragraph using the following words:
Defense
Defeat
Detail
This is what Timmy wrote -- The horse jumped over defense. First defeat. Then detail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6am01m/little_timmy_wasnt_the_most_gifted_student_in_the/
%
Virgin wife

A fellow talking to his friend says, "How can I know that my girl is a virgin ?"
Friend tells him, "You have to wait till your wedding night, you show it to her and ask what is it. If she calls it a penis, she's a virgin. If she says it's a cock, she's been around."
So the guy gets married, and in the hotel room he flips it out to her and says "What is this?"
"That's a penis!" she replies.
"Great," he sighs, "I thought you were going to call it a cock."
"Of course not! A cock is twice as big!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6alwfa/virgin_wife/
%
My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6alt9a/my_teacher_didnt_believe_me_when_i_said_i_had_36/
%
A soldier ran up to a Nun,

Out of breath he asked,
"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister.
You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq .
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6alphq/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
%
How does a Canadian demand an apology?

Leading by example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6alopk/how_does_a_canadian_demand_an_apology/
%
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aljf5/what_do_you_call_a_wife_who_knows_where_her/
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Did you hear about the fight club where cows smoked marijuana?

The steaks were high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ali8t/did_you_hear_about_the_fight_club_where_cows/
%
Breaking into show business

One day a young man walked into a talent agency.
"I want to be a star in Hollywood!  I'm very talented, and I think I can be very successful!"
The agent looks at him, and says, "Ok, you're a decent looking fellow.  Let's see what you've got!"
This guy proceeds to sing and dance beautifully.  He acts out a gripping monologue, and rounds things up with a comedy routine that leaves the agent gasping for breath, it's so funny.
"Kid, that's amazing!  You're going places.  You're going to be huge!  What's your name?"
"Well, that's the thing.  It's a family name, and I'm very proud of it, and I really don't want to change it."
"OK, whatever it is I'm sure we can figure something out.  How bad can it be?"
"Well, my name is Penis Von Lesbian"
"Penis Von...."
"Penis Von Lesbian.   Yes.  As I said, it's a family name I couldn't bear to change it."
"Well, I'm sorry, kid.  I've dealt with some different names before, but we couldn't possibly headline you with that name, or even list you in the credits!  I'm sorry, unless you can change your name, I can't help you."
"Well, that's very disappointing, but thank you for your time."
Several months go by, and one fine day the young man comes rushing back into the talent agency.
"I did a lot of thinking, and my career is more important than my name.  Plus I came up with a name that's close enough that I won't feel like I've betrayed my family."
"Close to Penis Von Lesbian?  I don't know, but tell me your idea."
"What if I go by.... Dick Van Dyke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6algkl/breaking_into_show_business/
%
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold onto your nuts, you're in for one hell of a blow job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6alg9b/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_palm_tree/
%
Paddy and Mick are watching football at Mick's house

Mick looks out the window, and it's pissing rain out. He says to Paddy "sure stay the night here, I'll go up and make a bed for you".
When he gets back downstairs, Paddy is drenched to the bone. Mick says "what in the hell happened to you?
Paddy replied" I went home for me pajamas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6alf8c/paddy_and_mick_are_watching_football_at_micks/
%
A measle walks into a bar

bartender says "shots for everyone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6alefy/a_measle_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Doubting wife!

My wife has absolutely no confidence in my ability to repair electrical items around the house.
Well, she's in for a shock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6alc7i/doubting_wife/
%
DIY Gone Wrong

I was installing a light in the attic the today, when I slipped, and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling.
It scared the shit out of my girlfriend!
I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6alb8o/diy_gone_wrong/
%
3 Ducks Walk Into a Bar

The bartender asks the first Duck, "how's your day been?"
The first duck says, "Good day, great day even! Been in and out of puddles all day! Just a wonderful day!"
The bartender asks the second Duck, "And how was your day?"
The second Duck says, "Great day, awesome day even! Been in and out of puddles all day! Just an amazing day!"
The bartender looks down at the third Duck and asks, "And your day?"
The third Duck says, "Not too bad, but I've had better."
"Oh, You weren't in and out of puddles like these two?" replies the bartender.
"No silly," the third duck says batting her eyelashes. "My name's Puddles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6al9ig/3_ducks_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a jealous container?

An envylope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6al90i/what_do_you_call_a_jealous_container/
%
My father asked for the Wi-Fi password...

“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6al6d3/my_father_asked_for_the_wifi_password/
%
Had to stop following Business Insider for the headline: "Amy Schumer's new comedy movie is shockingly awful"

I can't trust anybody who finds that shocking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6al510/had_to_stop_following_business_insider_for_the/
%
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys-only trip, do you think about me?”

Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6al4gq/the_missus_asked_me_when_youre_on_a_boysonly_trip/
%
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6al3sy/a_short_history_of_medicine/
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What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6al3el/what_does_a_carpenter_do_after_a_one_night_stand/
%
I used to think the brain was the most important organ

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6al24w/i_used_to_think_the_brain_was_the_most_important/
%
Why is leather armour better for sneaking than steel armour?

Leather armour is made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6al1x0/why_is_leather_armour_better_for_sneaking_than/
%
A child asks his mother

why the bride wears white on her wedding day. His mother responds, "Because white represents happiness, and that's the happiest day of her life!" The child thinks for a while and then asks, "Then why does the groom wear black?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6akzul/a_child_asks_his_mother/
%
What is the lowest and youngest rank of child-soldiers?

Infantry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6akw64/what_is_the_lowest_and_youngest_rank_of/
%
Oprah was caught with drugs

They looked up her dress and found a thousand pounds of crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6akuig/oprah_was_caught_with_drugs/
%
There are three couples trying to join a Baptist church

One couple is young, one is middle aged, and one is older. And each couple has an interview with the pastor of the church. And he says to them "you're all eligible, but we have one criterion for joining. You have to abstain from sex for a month. If you can do that, then you may join."
So a month goes by and each couple has a follow-up interview. The elderly couple goes first. The pastor says "So? Did you abstain?" And the elderly husband says: "We did. We've been married long enough that we're able to find other ways to show affection for one another." So the pastor allows them to join.
The middle aged couple is interviewed and the pastor says: "Well? How'd it go?" And the middle aged husband says: "We were able to abstain. It was very difficult, and I had to sleep on the couch a couple nights, but we did it." The pastor says: "Good job, you may now join our church".
The young couple is interviewed finally and the pastor says: "Tell me, were you able to abstain?" And the young husband says: "Well Reverend, we tried. We held out for a couple weeks but one day she was bending over to grab a box of cereal off a low shelf and the urge came over me and we got undressed and did it right then and there." The pastor sadly replies: "I'm sorry son, you can't join our church."
And the young husband, shamefaced, mutters: "Yeah, and they're not gonna let us back into Walmart for a while either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6akugc/there_are_three_couples_trying_to_join_a_baptist/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aksfe/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
My buddy was really into Beyblades before he died

His tombstone reads:
LET IT
R. I. P.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6akrku/my_buddy_was_really_into_beyblades_before_he_died/
%
I'm trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles...

I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I've eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I did the night before, and what I will do later with whom.
&nbsp;
I gave them pictures of my family, my dog, and of my gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday.
&nbsp;
I also listen to their conversations, give them a *thumbs up* and tell them I like them.
&nbsp;
And it works just like Facebook! I've got four people following me now...
&nbsp;
*Two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6akqsu/im_trying_to_make_friends_outside_facebook_while/
%
Sometimes I use big words

that I don't quite understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6akp97/sometimes_i_use_big_words/
%
What do you do with an epileptic child having a seizure in your bathtub?

Add your dirty clothes and soap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6akofq/what_do_you_do_with_an_epileptic_child_having_a/
%
What do you call a prostitute who works on public transit?

A succ-you-bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aknmb/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_who_works_on_public/
%
A candy's factory is on fire

A research team of a candy factory have just lately developed a new type of candy that should change the candy market as we know today forever.
One day, the factory is burning up. While the local firefighters arrive to the site, the CEO of the factory shouts "the brave men that will bring me the recipe of the special candy, will be awarded in 100,000$!"
A firetruck full of young and strong firefighters drive fast in the direction of the factory, but stops in the middle. When the CEO asks them why they stopped, they answer "it is too dangerous for us to get in." So the CEO raise the award to 500,000$.
A fireturck full of stronger experienced firefighters drive as fast as they can into the factory, but at the last moment before they touch the fire, the firetruck does U turn and go back to safety. When the CEO asks them why they turned back, they say "it is too late. the recipe is lost." Desperately, the CEO raise the award to 1,000,000$.
Suddenly, a fireturck full of old and weak firefighters drive at full speed over the factory, enter in, and getting out with the recipe in hand.
Local news come to the site and interview the old team, asking them: "what would you do with the 1,000,000$?"
"Well, first of all, we will buy new brakes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6akis0/a_candys_factory_is_on_fire/
%
A Jewish guy walking through Chinatown notices a jewelry shop with has a big sign that says - Abe Goldberg jewelry.

He walks in and asks to meet Abe Goldberg. A Chinese man comes out from the back and says - herro, I Abe Golber.
The Jewish guy says, you're Abe Goldberg??? How did you get that name?
The Chinese man tells how when he was at Ellis Island, the guy in line before him was Abe Goldberg. When the immigration officer asked for his name he said - **Sam Ting**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aki9e/a_jewish_guy_walking_through_chinatown_notices_a/
%
I always play Jenga on a first date,

That way she knows how strong my pull out game is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6akfl2/i_always_play_jenga_on_a_first_date/
%
A penguin is taking a road trip

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6akcnk/a_penguin_is_taking_a_road_trip/
%
My grandpa told me

: "Your generation relies too much on technology".
So I replied: "No , your generation relies too much on technology" as I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6akcmi/my_grandpa_told_me/
%
"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my God!  How many is a Brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6akbte/mr_president_two_brazilian_soldiers_were_killed/
%
Sherlock's son tugs at his robe, screaming: "Daaad, dad!"

Sherlock looks at him and says: "Watson?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6akaf5/sherlocks_son_tugs_at_his_robe_screaming_daaad_dad/
%
What do you call a girl that doesn't suck dick?

You don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ak8sy/what_do_you_call_a_girl_that_doesnt_suck_dick/
%
[NSFW] Man goes to the doctor...

...complaining of problems with his asshole.
"Well if you drop your trousers and bend over the table for me, I'll see if I can see anything", said the doctor.
So the man pulls his trousers down and leans over the table. The doctor looks and is shocked to see a giant, gaping asshole.
"What the hell happened?" asked the doctor.
'Well", replied the man, "I was raped by an elephant".
"That can't be right" said the doctor. "An elephant has a long and thin penis, this hole is too wide for that to have happened".
"But", answered the man, "he fingered me first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ak8cx/nsfw_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
A man entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in-ten-did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ak7ad/a_man_entered_a_local_papers_pun_contest/
%
What happens to nitrogen when the morning comes?

it becomes daytrogen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ak5aw/what_happens_to_nitrogen_when_the_morning_comes/
%
I hate antijokes. You expect a funny ending but

You are always disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ak50l/i_hate_antijokes_you_expect_a_funny_ending_but/
%
Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ak4fc/just_got_back_from_a_friends_funeral_who_drowned/
%
An American, a Russian and an Estonian are on a plane

The American opens the door and drops some hamburgers and then says: "I have too many of these". Then the Russian goes to the Door and throws down some bottles of vodka and says: "I have too many of them". Then the Estonia comes and throws down the Russian and says: "I have too many of them".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ak3o2/an_american_a_russian_and_an_estonian_are_on_a/
%
What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ak238/what_did_the_o_say_to_the_q/
%
"The neighbors hate us."

"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ak1o7/the_neighbors_hate_us/
%
My girl is so smart!

My girlfriend is so smart. I called her from my friends phone and she said "what's up honey?". She already knew I was on the other side of the line ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ak11j/my_girl_is_so_smart/
%
There are three kinds of people...

...Those who can count and those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajznm/there_are_three_kinds_of_people/
%
Whenever I have a one night stand,I alweys use protection.

A fake name and a fake number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajz4q/whenever_i_have_a_one_night_standi_alweys_use/
%
What do you call a bass player who can get by without a girlfriend?

A Master-Bassist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajyco/what_do_you_call_a_bass_player_who_can_get_by/
%
The police busted a drug ring operating out of a circumcision clonic

The police got a tip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajy1a/the_police_busted_a_drug_ring_operating_out_of_a/
%
My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food

Sushi left me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajxwr/my_girlfriend_hated_my_obsession_with_japanese/
%
What book does every Mexican student read in school?

Tequila Mockingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajwjg/what_book_does_every_mexican_student_read_in/
%
I failed my class on fellatio...

I've never been good at oral exams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajwiq/i_failed_my_class_on_fellatio/
%
What's the best thing about abortion jokes?

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajw63/whats_the_best_thing_about_abortion_jokes/
%
I'm scared to go to the Red Light District.

It's a hard part of town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajvos/im_scared_to_go_to_the_red_light_district/
%
A Chinese family's dog ran away one night

...Thanksgiving was ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajubh/a_chinese_familys_dog_ran_away_one_night/
%
The doctor said I need to start drinking more whiskey....

Also I am calling myself "the doctor" now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aju1a/the_doctor_said_i_need_to_start_drinking_more/
%
Dogs can't get MRI's

But cats can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajrbv/dogs_cant_get_mris/
%
I used to have such a bad fear of boats

Luckily, that ship has sailed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajpcc/i_used_to_have_such_a_bad_fear_of_boats/
%
What do you call Batman running out of a church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajp88/what_do_you_call_batman_running_out_of_a_church/
%
A mathematician is paying for his groceries...

A mathmatician is paying for his groceries and the cashier asks for him to write his signature.  He draws a single wave on the pad. When he sees the cashiers' confused look he says, "What? it says 'sign here'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajp5q/a_mathematician_is_paying_for_his_groceries/
%
Big Dumb Joke

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajnmw/big_dumb_joke/
%
Breaking News! Ursula the Sea Witch has taken over and destroyed the local shoe factory. There were no survivors.

Those poor unfortunate soles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajng1/breaking_news_ursula_the_sea_witch_has_taken_over/
%
A gruff looking guy approached me on the street saying he can draw my portrait for $2

It sounds sketchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajmr1/a_gruff_looking_guy_approached_me_on_the_street/
%
Girl: "Cum over "

Guy: "I am coming over"
Girl: "we must stop using walkie talkies in bed, over "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajm4v/girl_cum_over/
%
Did you hear about the can of coke that got run over?

It was soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajlax/did_you_hear_about_the_can_of_coke_that_got_run/
%
I put my phone under my pillow last night, when I woke up it was gone....

There was a coin left in its place. Damn that Bluetooth fairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajl9h/i_put_my_phone_under_my_pillow_last_night_when_i/
%
Nun

A nun got into a taxi but noticed that the cab driver wouldn't stop staring at her. She asked him why he was staring and he replies,   "I have a question to ask you but I'm afraid to in case I offend you."
She answered,  "My dear son, you can't offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have just about heard and seen everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."  "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
She responded,   "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Firstly, are you Catholic and single?
The cab driver started to get very excited and said,   "Yes, I'm single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun replied,   "OK, pull into the next layby"
He did this and the nun obliged him by giving him a blow-job. But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started to get very emotional and upset.
"My dear child, why are you crying?" enquired the nun.
"Please forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
"That's OK," said the nun, "my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajhnn/nun/
%
My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure...

Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aje2q/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
Golfer in confessional...

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajdcs/golfer_in_confessional/
%
A nun was out for a walk...

...when a black van pulls up beside her. A man jumps out and drags her into the van were he proceeds to rape her. When he's done he stands up beside her and asks:
- So what are you gonna tell your sisters when you get back?
- I will tell them the truth. That a horrible man attacked me and raped me twice.
- Twice? the man asks.
- Yes. the nun replies. If your not in a rush of course?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajdaw/a_nun_was_out_for_a_walk/
%
a priest on a plane...

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ajcpr/a_priest_on_a_plane/
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The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.
Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.
"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
Jill replies, "You'll have to jack off then, 'cause I've got a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aj43n/the_boss_of_a_small_company_has_two_employees/
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What do you get when you combine insomnia, dyslexia and agnosticism?

Someone who lies awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aj2u3/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_insomnia/
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What do you call an over confident chicken?

Cocky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aiz8a/what_do_you_call_an_over_confident_chicken/
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A cop pulled me over.....

and said I was doing 70 in a 50 mph zone. I explained I was only trying to keep a safe distance from the car behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aiyd2/a_cop_pulled_me_over/
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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

you should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aiuaz/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
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A Spanish walked into a department store....

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the  menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines" said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding  them up he proclaimed "Eso sí que es!".
"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?" asked the exasperated salesgirl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ainu4/a_spanish_walked_into_a_department_store/
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I can't understand what the fuss is about the Labour manifesto!

I'd give it full Marx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ainjt/i_cant_understand_what_the_fuss_is_about_the/
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Wanted: Buddhist Monk

Enquire within.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ail5n/wanted_buddhist_monk/
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What does a Rubix Cube and a Dick have in Common?

The more you play with them, the harder they get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aiimv/what_does_a_rubix_cube_and_a_dick_have_in_common/
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What kind of fish is made of only 2 Sodium Atoms?

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aihjr/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_of_only_2_sodium_atoms/
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Why don't witches wear underwear?

So they can get a better grip on their broomsticks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aig4u/why_dont_witches_wear_underwear/
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Big truck accident

A large truck was hauling water. Next thing I know, a truck hauling vinegar smashed into the water truck. It was very loud, all I could hear was a large *douche*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aibtc/big_truck_accident/
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A man was framed for a crime

It was a damn good photo of his mugshot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aiba2/a_man_was_framed_for_a_crime/
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The teacher shows the student a blank graph

Teacher: Tell me the equation of this graph.
Student: This is fucking pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ai95e/the_teacher_shows_the_student_a_blank_graph/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go hunting

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all went out camping and hunting together. After setting up camp the brunette left to go hunt. 24 hours later the brunette came back with a deer. The others were in awe of the brunette and asked, "How did you do it?"
The brunette replied, "Found tracks, followed tracks, shot the deer."
The next day the redhead went out and returned 48 hours later with a bear. The blonde and brunette were in complete awe and asked, "How did you do it?"
The redhead replied, "Found tracks, followed tracks, shot the bear."
The next day the blonde went out and returned three days later completely broken, bruised, and bloody. The brunette and redhead were shocked and horrified asking, "What happened!?"
The blonde replied, "Found tracks, followed tracks, got hit by a train."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ai5vd/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_go_hunting/
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porn channel

A husband and wife were in bed watching tv. The husband had the remote in hand switching back and forth between the porn and fishing channels. The wife got pissed off grabbed the remote and kept it on the porn channel and said to hubby.. "Leave it on the porn channel you already know how to fish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ai4t2/porn_channel/
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What's the difference between a white power arm solute vs a black power fist raise?

Paper always beats rock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ai40t/whats_the_difference_between_a_white_power_arm/
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A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognise me by my face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ahwu6/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_very_good_friends_so/
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Why do gardeners hand out their herbs?

To pass the thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ahwda/why_do_gardeners_hand_out_their_herbs/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

Ones a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ahu7l/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Question: Can the President fire the Director of the FBI?

Yes, of course.  If he can put Trump in office, President Putin can certainly fire Comey too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ahrdq/question_can_the_president_fire_the_director_of/
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Three construction workers take their lunch break together on the high steel

The first guy is Italian. He opens up his lunch box and says "Momma mia, spaghetti and meatballs again. If I get this one more time, I'm gonna jump off."
The second guy is Jewish. He opens up his lunchbox and says "Oy vay, matzo ball soup again. If I get one this more time, I'm gonna jump off.”
The third guy is Polish. He opens up his lunchbox and says " hey, kielbasa again. If I get one this more time, I'm gonna jump off.
The next day they meet for lunch.
The Italian guy opens his lunch box, sees spaghetti and meatballs, and jumps to his death.
The Jewish guy opens his lunch box, sees matzo ball soup, and jumps to his death.
The Polish guy opens his lunch box, sees kielbasa, and jumps to his death.
The company has a combined funeral.
All three wives were there crying.
The Italian wife says "If I only knew he didn't want spaghetti and meatballs, he should have told me!"
The Jewish wife says "If I only knew he didn't want matzo ball soup, he should have told me!"
The Polish wife says "I don't understand. He always packed his own lunch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ahppq/three_construction_workers_take_their_lunch_break/
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My dad was a magician...

Every time he drove to town, he turned into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ahj2g/my_dad_was_a_magician/
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Two new store owners are getting ready for their opening.

They're painting inside the store and there's nothing but a few paint cans and stepladders.
One of the guys: Just watch. I bet you that in five minutes some old dude's gonna stick his nose in the window and ask what we sell.
Sure enough, five minutes later some old sticks his nose in the window and asks:
What do you guys sell?
One of the guys, being a smart ass: We sell assholes.
The two owners are having a good laugh at the old guy's expense, but then he says: Business must be good, you only have two left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ahe76/two_new_store_owners_are_getting_ready_for_their/
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Is there a difference between the male and female reproductive systems?

Of course, there's a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ahdb0/is_there_a_difference_between_the_male_and_female/
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They made a book about my dad

It's called The Invisible Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ahd7m/they_made_a_book_about_my_dad/
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A blonde threw a grenade at another

So she pulled the pin and threw it back.
The first then asks, "What should I do with this pin?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ahca4/a_blonde_threw_a_grenade_at_another/
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Little Jonny is having a difficult time with the math lesson so...

The teacher, Miss Cooper decides to use a situation that little Jonny can relate to. She knows little Jonny likes to hunt birds so she asks little Jonny "if there are if 5 birds on a wooden fence and you shoot one how many are left"? Little Jonny replies "none" once you shoot one the other birds fly away. Miss Cooper replies "well Jonny that's not exactly the answer I was looking for but I like the way you're thinking". Jonny replies "I can ask you a question Miss Cooper" - "sure Jonny" she replies. Jonny asks "if 3 women are eating ice cream and the first one is licking the ice cream daintily, the second one is biting into the ice cream and letting it melt in her mouth while the third one is feverishly licking the ice cream while it drips down the sides and then proceeds to bite the bottom of the cone and suck the remaining ice cream out of the bottom... which one is married? "Well" blushes Miss Cooper "I guess it would be the third one" - "no" says Jonny "it's the one wearing the wedding ring - but I like the way you're thinking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ahbwo/little_jonny_is_having_a_difficult_time_with_the/
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Nursing an asshole

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does during an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ah91x/nursing_an_asshole/
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A Man Goes to a Psychiatrist Squatting with His Hands on the Floor

"I think I'm a dog."
"Have a seat on the couch."
"I'm not allowed on the furniture."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ah7lx/a_man_goes_to_a_psychiatrist_squatting_with_his/
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Did you hear about the unfaithful hippie?

She was stoned to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ah6tp/did_you_hear_about_the_unfaithful_hippie/
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A priest and a rabbi walk past a young boy...

Priest: "Let's fuck him."
Rabbi: "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ah698/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_walk_past_a_young_boy/
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I just discovered a major difference between me and Rapunzel.

Rapunzel lets her hair down but I let everybody near me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ah4oy/i_just_discovered_a_major_difference_between_me/
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What do you use to kick a canister of mints?

your tic-tac toe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ah4nh/what_do_you_use_to_kick_a_canister_of_mints/
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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ah160/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
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I can't believe I just lost in Scrabble..

There's no F in WAY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6agxl0/i_cant_believe_i_just_lost_in_scrabble/
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A Greek, a Jew, and an Irishman are accidentally killed by a bus.

An angel descends and tells them "Actually, there's been a mistake. It wasn't your time to die. We will let you come back to life, but you must promise to renounce your vices."
To the Irishman, the angel said, "Your vice is drinking too much. You can come back to life as long as you stop drinking. We will tempt and test you to make sure you abstain." He agrees.
To the Greek, the angel said, "You engage in perverted sexual practices. You can come back to life only if you remain celibate. We will test you to make sure you comply." He agrees.
To the Jew, the angel said, "Your vice is greed. You can come back to life only if you reform your avaricious ways. But you will be tested." He agrees.
As the three resurrected men are walking down the street, they pass a bar. The Irishman resists. They pass a second bar. He resists again. They pass a third bar, and the Irishman can't resist any longer - he runs toward the bar and instantly disappears in a puff of smoke.
Frightened, the Greek and the Jew continue walking. The Jew spots a penny on the ground, and is able to resist picking it up. Then it turns into a quarter. Still he resists. Then it turns into a dollar. He wavers, but still resists.
It turns into a five. Nope.
It turns into a ten. Nope.
It turns into a $20 bill.
He bends over to pick it up, and both him and the Greek disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6agwn7/a_greek_a_jew_and_an_irishman_are_accidentally/
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When a wife keeps her head on your chest and slowly asks

"Dear, do have any woman in your life other than me"?
Remember answer is not important at this time..Important is heartbeats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6agt8o/when_a_wife_keeps_her_head_on_your_chest_and/
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Perforated underwear

Now, that's a tearable idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6agozr/perforated_underwear/
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I had a one night stand and then got married

Now we have two night stands.
(One on each side of the bed)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6agoq8/i_had_a_one_night_stand_and_then_got_married/
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Didja hear the one about the hobbit who ruined the boxing match?

He tried to destroy the ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6agnlv/didja_hear_the_one_about_the_hobbit_who_ruined/
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bigger boobs

Stepping out of the shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of simply telling her it's not so, the husband jokingly comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt; didn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6agmbe/bigger_boobs/
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What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?

His Ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aglw4/whats_the_last_thing_to_go_through_a_bugs_mind_as/
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I was at a restaurant and someone told me my white explorer was going off

So I went outside and told him to shut the fuck up about how he discovered north america

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6agler/i_was_at_a_restaurant_and_someone_told_me_my/
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What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6age8s/what_did_0_say_to_8/
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A man walks into a psychic barber shop

Barber: say no more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6agcqa/a_man_walks_into_a_psychic_barber_shop/
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The Amazing Motorcycle Ride [nsfw]

Three friends were riding a motorcycle on a particularly cold night. The one sitting in the middle started feeling really cold and couldn't handle it.
So he says to the guy sitting in the back, "Aren't you feeling cold?"
The guy in the back says, "I know a solutions to that. Why don't you stick your penis in the ass of the driver? You'll feel better. I guarantee it!"
The guy in the middle replies shocked "Are you kidding me? Won't he notice?"
The guy in the back says, "Well you don't seem to have noticed it till now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ag8v3/the_amazing_motorcycle_ride_nsfw/
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My muslim wife left me the other day..

I guess she didn't know what jihad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ag8qm/my_muslim_wife_left_me_the_other_day/
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What do you call it when a graham cracker, a marshmallow, and a piece of chocolate have sex?

A smorgy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ag8p3/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_graham_cracker_a/
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Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ag890/two_factory_workers_are_talking/
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I think my neighbor might be involved in some illegal activities.

I heard him confess to tax evasion when I was smoking meth in his attic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afzzt/i_think_my_neighbor_might_be_involved_in_some/
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So God is nearly done creating Adam and Eve

And he looks to the bottom of the bag of attributes and sees there are only two left, so he decides to let the newly created humans choose who will get what.
God pulls out the first one and announces "the ability to stand while peeing". Adam jumps up excitedly and screams, "Yes! That one is for me! I could do so many things! Write my name in the snow, pee off of tall buildings, make ants go swimming. That's awesome!"
God says, "Well then, man shall have the ability to pee standing up... now let's see what is left. Ah! Multiple orgasms!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afze8/so_god_is_nearly_done_creating_adam_and_eve/
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afyax/an_old_married_couple_no_sooner_hit_the_pillows/
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Old genie joke...

Three men find themselves stranded on a deserted island. After several years, despite their differences, they become close friends out of necessity. One day, they find an old lamp. On rubbing it clean, they release a genie who grants them each one wish.
"I wish to return to my old life!" Two of the men shout, disappearing in a puff of smoke.
The third man, a little slow, looks around at the empty island. Overcome by loneliness, he mutters, "I wish my friends were here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afx8n/old_genie_joke/
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A christian joke

There was a man who lived in a town off of the Mississippi river. One day while he was watching the news, the news anchor announced, "The river is going to flood the whole town! I repeat, there is a flood coming tomorrow. If you do not leave town, you will drown!"
The man told himself, "I have faith in God! He will protect me!"
So he filled up sandbags and piled them high around his house, certain that his faith in his creator would protect him.
The next morning the water was up to the edge of his sandbags. A boat came by. The driver called out to the man, "Sir! The water is going to keep rising, if you don't get on this boat you are going to die!"
But the man said, "I have faith in my savior! God and Jesus will protect me!"
So the boat left.
Later that day a helicopter flew over the man's house. By this time the water had risen so high that the man was on the very top of his roof with the water just below his feet. The pilot called out, "Sir! The water is still rising! If you don't get on this helicopter you will drown!"
But the man said again, "My God will protect me!"
The man drowned.
When he came to heaven he asked God, "Why God? Why? I had faith, I prayed, why did you not save me!"
God replied, "I tried! I sent the news announcement, I sent the boat, I even sent a helicopter! All you had to do was reach out!"
edit; grammar and I accidentally a word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afwt8/a_christian_joke/
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What do rednecks do for Halloween?

Pump kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afwor/what_do_rednecks_do_for_halloween/
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A woman walks into the clubhouse after nine holes...

"Whats the problem ma'am?"
"I got stung by a bee"
"Where at?"
"Between the first and second hole"
"Well I'd say your stance is too wide"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afwcr/a_woman_walks_into_the_clubhouse_after_nine_holes/
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Three men sitting in a bar, discuss the previous night.

The first guy tells the others, "Guys, you wouldn't *believe* how much of a fool I made of myself last night! So, we were having a family dinner and I wanted to ask my mother in law if she wanted me to refill her CUP, but instead I said 'Would you like me to refill your CUNT?'"
The three of them laughed and then the second guy says, "Wow, a similar thing happened to me too! Alright, so, my family also had a family dinner last night. I wanted to ask my daughter if I can taste the PUDDING that she made, but it came out as "Can I have a taste of your PUSSY? My wife is divorcing me now."
More laughing ensued and the first guy says "You're so lucky..." when the third guy says:
"That's nothing! We had a massive dinner yesterday. Almost my entire extended family was there. We were all sitting at the big table, and just a few minutes after we started eating I wanted to ask my wife if she can pass me the SALT, but instead I stuttered and said 'YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU FUCKING WHORE!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afu7i/three_men_sitting_in_a_bar_discuss_the_previous/
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A man goes through a car accident...

A man goes through a car accident.
In the hospital, he is taken to emergency surgery. Unfortunely, the doctors couldn't save his legs.
He awakes a few hours later, in his room, where a doctor stands besides him.
"You've were in a car accident" the doctor told him "we had to take you to surgery in order to save you. I have both good news and bad news."
The man fills his eyes with tears:
"Oh god! Please doctor, tell me the bad news first!"
"Well, I'm sorry, but we couldn't save your legs. You will never walk again."
The man bursts out crying.
"A-and the good news?"
"Well... The man in the next room wants to buy your shoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aftmt/a_man_goes_through_a_car_accident/
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Turns out my wife and girlfriend know each other

They also realized they were both having sex with me... and they were totally fine with it. They wanted to have a 3 way too!
I don't know why they kept referring to me as Dave though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afsb2/turns_out_my_wife_and_girlfriend_know_each_other/
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A boy walks into an ice-cream parlour.

The cashier says "Hello! What can I get you?"
The boy replies "Ummm...may I please have some Jelly Tip?"
"I'm sorry, but we ran out of Jelly Tip. Is there something else you would like? Maybe chocolate?" responds the cashier.
"No thanks. Could I have some Jelly Tip?" replies the boy.
Slightly annoyed, the cashier replies "I said, we *don't* have Jelly Tip."
The boy responds "In that case I'll have some Jelly Tip."
The cashier, clearly annoyed says "Look. You're a smart boy, right? Spell the 'Berry' in 'Strawberry'."
"B - E - R - R - Y" responds the boy.
"Good...now spell the 'Nill' in Vanilla'."
"N - I - L - L" says the boy.
"Brilliant!" speaks the cashier. "Now spell the 'fuck' in 'Jelly Tip'."
Confused, the boy responds "There's no 'Fuck' in Jelly Tip?"
"Exactly! There's no fuckin Jelly Tip!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afqas/a_boy_walks_into_an_icecream_parlour/
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I was addicted to masturbation and then became addicted to sex...

One could say my addiction got out of hand...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afos3/i_was_addicted_to_masturbation_and_then_became/
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Idiocracy is showing on Syfy

and CNN right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aford/idiocracy_is_showing_on_syfy/
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Police Arrested Two Kids Yesterday

One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one - and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afokk/police_arrested_two_kids_yesterday/
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What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?

"Hey my-toe-sis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afoj1/what_did_the_cell_say_when_his_sister_stepped_on/
%
If a blind woman tells you your penis is big

she's probably just pulling your leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afnji/if_a_blind_woman_tells_you_your_penis_is_big/
%
Communist / Socialist jokes aren't funny....

unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afni2/communist_socialist_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Heaven Is a Place On Earth

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.
Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.
Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife!
What’s it like?’ Sid asks.
‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’
‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’
‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afm6c/heaven_is_a_place_on_earth/
%
I asked Google what is "idk"?

And even Google doesn't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aflcy/i_asked_google_what_is_idk/
%
What's a buffalo's 200th birthday called?

A bisontennial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afkhw/whats_a_buffalos_200th_birthday_called/
%
I don't understand why people say it's hard to quit smoking

I have done it twenty times a day for years now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afij1/i_dont_understand_why_people_say_its_hard_to_quit/
%
Don't know how to cook

I don't really know how to cook, so I just end up eating frozen food. I usually get some turkey and store it in the freezer for the next day. However, one day I've heard about the dangers of eating frozen food and how it badly affects my health, it was at this moment that I realized that I had to quit cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afhkc/dont_know_how_to_cook/
%
What's Pingu's stance on war?

Nootral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afhit/whats_pingus_stance_on_war/
%
What kind of calculus do frogs use?

Der - ribbit - tives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afhfm/what_kind_of_calculus_do_frogs_use/
%
A door to door salesman knocks on a door...

An 8 year old kid wearing a fur coat, his boxers smoking a cigar with a glass of whisky opens the door.
Saleman- are you parents home?
Kid-What do you fucking think?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6affau/a_door_to_door_salesman_knocks_on_a_door/
%
Sport is like drugs.

I say no to drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afagg/sport_is_like_drugs/
%
A marvelous instrument indeed...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask you a favor?
&nbsp;
*"Of course child, What may I do for you?"*
&nbsp;
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?
&nbsp;
*"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."*
&nbsp;
"With your face, Father, no one will question you."
&nbsp;
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
&nbsp;
*"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.."*
&nbsp;
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
&nbsp;
*"I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.."*
&nbsp;
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
"Go ahead, Father.
Next Please..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6afa0a/a_marvelous_instrument_indeed/
%
A Chinese man decided to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a small piece of land . A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these ‘Chinese customs’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another ‘Chinese custom’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way,…pause…., and then put his left ear next to the bull’s butt.
The Aussie bloke can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, ‘Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s butt, it could just about sh1t on you.’
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ‘Sorry sir, you no understand, these no … Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.’
‘What do you mean mate’ says the Aussie, ‘Those aren’t Australian customs.’
Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me’ replied the Chinese man, 'He say to become true Australian, I must learn to….. chase chicks,….. get piss drunk, and …. listen to bull-sh1t.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6af9f3/a_chinese_man_decided_to_retire_and_move_to/
%
I like my women like I like my Uranium-235

Self-destructive, toxic, and decaying on the inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6af6xr/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_uranium235/
%
What does a WiFi Router and my grandpa have in common?

an SS ID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6af4fl/what_does_a_wifi_router_and_my_grandpa_have_in/
%
Whats the plural of dildo?

Loneliness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6af3pk/whats_the_plural_of_dildo/
%
I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%.

/r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6af2e7/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_98/
%
My love for you is like diarrhea

I just can't keep it in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aeyac/my_love_for_you_is_like_diarrhea/
%
Made love to my wife last night, just like they do in the movies

I was fast, she was furious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aewst/made_love_to_my_wife_last_night_just_like_they_do/
%
What currency do they use in space?

Starbucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aevvc/what_currency_do_they_use_in_space/
%
Lets hear your best "Yo momma" joke

Yo mamma's so fat, when she hauls ass it takes two trips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aeu8j/lets_hear_your_best_yo_momma_joke/
%
Q: What's the most sensitive part of the body of masturbating teenager?

A: Ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aesyh/q_whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_the_body_of/
%
What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?

I can clearly see you’re nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aes67/what_did_the_psychiatrist_say_when_a_man_wearing/
%
Did you hear the one about the deaf kid?

neither did he

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aerzt/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_deaf_kid/
%
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?

I'm excited to see how they turn out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aerwo/did_you_hear_about_these_new_reversible_jackets/
%
I own a company selling land mines that look like prayer blankets

Prophets are going through the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aep2k/i_own_a_company_selling_land_mines_that_look_like/
%
I just found the coldest thing in the universe!

It was 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aend6/i_just_found_the_coldest_thing_in_the_universe/
%
An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives

He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."
A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aej2f/an_english_teacher_is_giving_a_lesson_on_double/
%
If you woke up with grass stains on your knee and a used condom in your butt would you tell anyone?

No?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wanna go camping?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aegq8/if_you_woke_up_with_grass_stains_on_your_knee_and/
%
[Long] One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything

quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aeccb/long_one_day_bill_complained_to_his_friend_that/
%
Why are wedding cakes the saddest cakes?

Because of all the tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aebid/why_are_wedding_cakes_the_saddest_cakes/
%
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns

but I soon realised toucan play at that game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ae8yg/a_friend_of_mine_tried_to_annoy_me_with_bird_puns/
%
Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ae52h/gay_parents_are_awesome/
%
How Long is a Chinese name

Its a pretty common name actually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ae50w/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
%
I'm trying to decide whether to start a honey farm.

To bee, or not to bee. That is the question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ae1kx/im_trying_to_decide_whether_to_start_a_honey_farm/
%
Why do women make terrible blackjack players?

Because nobody can hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ae0lv/why_do_women_make_terrible_blackjack_players/
%
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis (NSFW)

That priest is in jail now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6adylh/i_was_blessed_with_a_9_inch_penis_nsfw/
%
A man rides his motorcycle down the highway...

When suddenly he hears a booming voice, which proclaims,  "I am God.  Since you have been such a devout believer in me, I will grant you one wish."
The man thinks for a minute and responds, "Well, God, I love to ride my motorcycle, so I wish for a bridge that goes from the coast of California to Hawaii so I can ride over it."
God answers, "I will grant this wish, if it's what you truly want. But consider another moment a less material wish that could benefit all of mankind."
The man thinks it over for another minute and says "Aha! I've got it.  I wish for men to be able to understand women, to know what they want and how they feel, to understand what really foes on in a woman's mind."
God was silent for a few moments, then responds, "Did you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ady6d/a_man_rides_his_motorcycle_down_the_highway/
%
Almost everybody has that one who got away, and I'm no exception.

I'm not sure how she broke out of the basement though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6adxur/almost_everybody_has_that_one_who_got_away_and_im/
%
Two social justice warriors walk into a fence store...

Both took a fence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6adwsf/two_social_justice_warriors_walk_into_a_fence/
%
What's a drug that makes you love to count?

Mathemphetamine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6advj8/whats_a_drug_that_makes_you_love_to_count/
%
Anyone ever notice the word Saturday has the word "turd" in it?

Sorry, that's a shit joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6adux6/anyone_ever_notice_the_word_saturday_has_the_word/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

The outlaws are wanted
*shoutout to the customer that called in and ended the phone call with a joke to spread some cheer*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6adt1b/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
An old man hires a hitman

An old man hires a hit man to kill his wife. He's spent 40 years listening to her nagging and he's had enough.
The hitman tells him "I'll shoot her just below the left tit"
The husband replies "I want her dead, not Fucking kneecapped!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6adq2w/an_old_man_hires_a_hitman/
%
I got invited to a cannibal's luncheon last week, but I showed up about 30 minutes late.

They gave me the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6adl33/i_got_invited_to_a_cannibals_luncheon_last_week/
%
Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark.

Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?
Me: Since yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6adjtm/me_yesterday_my_wife_ran_away_with_my_best_friend/
%
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6adj13/how_many_politicians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Men and women have two distinct views about weddings.

The husband-to-be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.
The wife-to-be, on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind she is repeating what she has to do: "All I have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him."
She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat, "Aisle, altar, him." "Aisle, altar, him." "Aisle, altar, him..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6adiwp/men_and_women_have_two_distinct_views_about/
%
What do you call a couple of nuns and a blonde?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6adf3v/what_do_you_call_a_couple_of_nuns_and_a_blonde/
%
Lost an electron?

Better keep an ion it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6adbgf/lost_an_electron/
%
Deaf people aren't known to be very rational

They have trouble making sound decisions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ada6f/deaf_people_arent_known_to_be_very_rational/
%
Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ad7ik/every_time_i_go_to_dinner_with_my_parents_they/
%
To all the people who I mocked for their stutter

I am so so sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ad6g7/to_all_the_people_who_i_mocked_for_their_stutter/
%
My eye is just like a vagina

The more I finger it, the wetter it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ad5s2/my_eye_is_just_like_a_vagina/
%
I used to date a blind girl

At first, I was so excited that she told me she'd been seeing people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ad5a5/i_used_to_date_a_blind_girl/
%
I like my women like I like my hot tubs

So hot I can only stay in them for 30 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ad4er/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_hot_tubs/
%
[Dad] - Son, get me a doptid.

[Son] - What's a doptid?
[Dad] - You are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ad0tz/dad_son_get_me_a_doptid/
%
You know what I hate the most?

People who answer their own questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ad060/you_know_what_i_hate_the_most/
%
Slovene, Croat and Bosnian

are imprisoned in some african country. Officer says that they can be free but before that, they need to be whipped. They have two choices. First choice is to get 25 pure whip hits or second choice, they get 50 whip hits but they can put something on their back.
First turn goes to Slovene. He says "Increase whip hits to 50 and put a pillow on my back". After 15 hits, the pillow breaks and Slovene gets 35 hits.
Second turn goes to Croat. He says "Increase whip hits to 50 and put two pillows on my back". After 25 hits, pillows tear apart and Croat gets 25 hits".
The last one was Bosnian. He says "Increase whip hits to 200 and put Slovene and Croat on my back".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6actg3/slovene_croat_and_bosnian/
%
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.

This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”
The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”
“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?” she asks.
“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”
“Like this?”
“A little more…”
“Like this?”
“No. A little more…”
“Like this?”
“Yes. Does that hurt?”
“A little bit.”
“Now stretch it over your head!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acta7/a_woman_goes_to_her_doctor_who_verifies_that_she/
%
Why shouldn't you argue with an idiot?

Because they'll bring you down to their level,
And beat you with experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acsbc/why_shouldnt_you_argue_with_an_idiot/
%
What does Hannibal Lector use to blow his nose?

A tissue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acrba/what_does_hannibal_lector_use_to_blow_his_nose/
%
Three men are drinking in a bar

A Italian, Frenchman and Estonian gentlemen are drinking in a bar arguing who's the best lover.
The Italian goes: "Last night I made love to my woman for 2 hours, she kept screaming for 5 minutes when I was done!"
The Frenchman smirks at that and goes: "That's nothing, last night I made love to my partner for 8 hours, she screamed for an hour after it!"
The Estonian looks at the other two, wipes beer foam from his mouth and says: "You guys really do not know what you are doing in bed, do you? Last night I made love to my wife for 2 minutes and cleaned myself in the curtains. She is still screaming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acr0x/three_men_are_drinking_in_a_bar/
%
100 camels

A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman."
After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."
The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"
The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acpey/100_camels/
%
Boy George has been attacked by his pet lizard

He's going to get a calmer chameleon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acox0/boy_george_has_been_attacked_by_his_pet_lizard/
%
When the Saudi police tackled me after I stole something from the market…

…I instantly realised my mistake when I shouted, "Unhand me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aco8j/when_the_saudi_police_tackled_me_after_i_stole/
%
Quebec, Canada is currently experiencing record breaking flooding

It's a good thing frogs can swim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acnee/quebec_canada_is_currently_experiencing_record/
%
Did you hear about the narcissist who performs autofellatio?

He´s quite full of himself.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acmuh/did_you_hear_about_the_narcissist_who_performs/
%
The pen is mightier than the sword

but it can't defeat Macron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acmae/the_pen_is_mightier_than_the_sword/
%
My wife was having trouble breathing last night.

I think I wasn't holding the pillow down tight enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acl14/my_wife_was_having_trouble_breathing_last_night/
%
How to start a revolution with change?

Just take a coin and give it a spin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acjee/how_to_start_a_revolution_with_change/
%
What is a Mexican's favorite sport?

Cross-country racing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acje5/what_is_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
%
Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium

BATMAN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acd5m/sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium/
%
Company meeting at the factory

Employee 1: We need to stop testing our product on animals.
Employee 2: Shampoo companies test on animals all the time though.
Employee 1: Ya but we're a dildo factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acd4w/company_meeting_at_the_factory/
%
For sale:

Guitar
Yoyo
Puppet
Kite
£5 for the lot
Genuine reason for sale
No strings attached

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acckg/for_sale/
%
Three kids are discussing who has the taller dad...

Tim: My dad is so tall that he can reach the top of a tree!
Bob: Well, my dad is so tall that he can reach the clouds!
Little Johnny: When your father reaches the clouds, does it feel soft?
Bob: I think so...
Little Johnny: Yeah, that's my father's balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acci8/three_kids_are_discussing_who_has_the_taller_dad/
%
TIL lions can jump higher than houses

This is due to the fact that houses are not able to jump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6acbwq/til_lions_can_jump_higher_than_houses/
%
I learned my lesson about speeding today, and I'll definitely make sure it never happens again...

I didn’t get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ac9qh/i_learned_my_lesson_about_speeding_today_and_ill/
%
It's pretty disgusting how celebrity parents name their children after cooked rodent.

Poor Chris Pratt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ac7ic/its_pretty_disgusting_how_celebrity_parents_name/
%
How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it within three days, you can presume it's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ac5ad/how_is_a_toddler_like_a_cell_phone/
%
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist camp?

The one who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ac4ee/whos_the_most_popular_guy_at_the_nudist_camp/
%
Are you today's date?

because you are 5/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ac35y/are_you_todays_date/
%
No matter what you think about Trump there is one thing you have to give him credit for...

...he really tries hard to end the worst presidency in history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abyr3/no_matter_what_you_think_about_trump_there_is_one/
%
Why do brits pronounce water with a silent "t"?

They drank it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abvff/why_do_brits_pronounce_water_with_a_silent_t/
%
I once dated a blind girl for 6 months.

She had no idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abvc7/i_once_dated_a_blind_girl_for_6_months/
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What do you call a camel that eats another camel?

A camibal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abuyg/what_do_you_call_a_camel_that_eats_another_camel/
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What does a Jedi Rabbi say to a Christian?

May the foreskin be with you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abu4b/what_does_a_jedi_rabbi_say_to_a_christian/
%
Knock knock...

[who's there?]
A STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6absry/knock_knock/
%
Three men were drinking at a bar

*(This is my best effort to translate this joke to English)*
The first guy tells the others, "You wouldn't believe what a fool I made of myself last night!
We were having a family dinner and I wanted to ask my mother in law if she wanted me to refill her CUP, but instead I said "Would you like me to refill your CUNT?"
The three of them laughed and then the second guy goes, "Same thing happened to me too!
We also had a family dinner last night. I wanted to ask my daughter if I can taste the PUDDING that she made, but it came out as "Can I have a taste of your PUSSY?".
More laughing ensued when the third guy says "That's nothing! We had a big dinner yesterday. Almost my entire extended family was there. We were all sitting at the big table, and just a few minutes after we started eating I wanted to ask my wife if she can pass me the SALT, but instead I stuttered and said "YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU FUCKING WHORE!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abrqu/three_men_were_drinking_at_a_bar/
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Apple wanted to introduce a line of phones specifically for children.

But they scrapped it, 'ITouch Kids' just didn't seem right.
Heard this somewhere a while back. Don't think it was here. Thought you guys might like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abqub/apple_wanted_to_introduce_a_line_of_phones/
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Only let the worst deaths into heaven...

It's a busy day in heaven, the queue is long and Saint Peter is interviewing everyone to get in. It's a busy day so God tells saint Peter to only let the people with the worst deaths in.
So the first guy goes up to Saint Peter and tells him his story. He was worried that his wife was cheating so he came home early from work. He tells saint Peter that he saw a man hanging from his balcony. The man then hammers at his hands and the guy falls into a bush, he is still alive. The man trying to get into heaven says "I then went to get a fridge and threw it down onto him, that killed him, however I then had a heart attack from the guilt of killing a man". Saint Peter then says, okay that's bad, you can come into heaven.
The next man then comes up to Saint Peter and tells him about his death. He told Saint Peter "I was working out on my balcony, I then slipped and grabbed onto the balcony below. Then some maniac came up to me, hammered at my hands and then threw a fridge onto me!". Saint Peter then replied "damn that's bad! Come through".
Finally, the next man came up to Saint Peter, Saint peter said "go on, how did you die", the man then replied "picture this, I'm hiding in a fridge".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abqod/only_let_the_worst_deaths_into_heaven/
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My girlfriend smokes a lot, i call her the Dragon

Because she doesn't exist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abp7w/my_girlfriend_smokes_a_lot_i_call_her_the_dragon/
%
Some lions just escaped a nature reserve in South Africa

They were rejected from their group.
They could maybe ask to be let in the group again
But their pride wouldn't let them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abn7h/some_lions_just_escaped_a_nature_reserve_in_south/
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra

thats it, thats the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abn6o/a_dyslexic_man_walks_into_a_bra/
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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last priest Ralph. Poor Ralph. While she danced he got a stiffy & his bell rang & flew off across the room. Embarrassed he ran & bent to pick it up, then all the fucking bells rang!
P.S.- fanny is a euphemism  for female genitalia in UK.
It is also used as euphemism for buttocks in USA.
Former meaning should be considered for the sake of the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abn36/celibacy_or/
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Why should you never marry a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.
I read that joke in 1998 in an SI for Kids magazine and it literally is the only joke I can tell from memory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ablk8/why_should_you_never_marry_a_tennis_player/
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The reverend John Flapps spots a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly...

along the street. He tries to assist her but they stumble and he falls on top of her. A passing policeman comes up and says "Oi mate, you can't do that in the street"
The Rev replies "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
To which the cop replies, "Well, if you're in that far, you may as well Finnish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abkon/the_reverend_john_flapps_spots_a_female_member_of/
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When does a joke turn into a dad joke?

When he leaves you and never comes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abkdv/when_does_a_joke_turn_into_a_dad_joke/
%
Why cant you argue with a circle?

It's pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abily/why_cant_you_argue_with_a_circle/
%
I spent 2 hours today making a belt out of used watches.

What a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abfdm/i_spent_2_hours_today_making_a_belt_out_of_used/
%
There's a fine line between a numerator and Denominator

Only a fraction of people understand that joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abc5z/theres_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and/
%
Why don't keyboards sleep?

Because they have 2 shifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6abary/why_dont_keyboards_sleep/
%
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg's jokes

I still do, but I used to too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ab4bp/i_used_to_steal_mitch_hedbergs_jokes/
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A woman is speeding down the highway

while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.
She notices his approach in her rear-view and obeys protocol, pulling over to the side of the road.
When both cars come to a halt, the officer quickly exits his squad car and makes his way to the damsel. "What in God's name would make you feel the need to drive so fast, ma'am?!" he asks her.
"Well, officer, actually, I'm late for work," she replies.
"And just what is it you do?" asks the annoyed law enforcer.
"Well," begins the lady, "I'm a certified Asshole Stretcher."
"An Asshole Stretcher?!  What the hell does that mean?" inquires the curious cop.
"It's quite simple, really," says the woman, "I take my finger and I insert it into a patient's anus. I make sure to use plenty of lubrication during the entire process, as it is very delicate.
"After I get one finger in, I start to massage the sphincter and get another finger in. Then I can start to make a sort of peace sign, as I insert yet another finger. I work it until I can get knuckle-deep, then I begin to ease my other hand in.
"Once I get both hands in, I continue to pull and loosen, using plenty of lube, until my whole forearm up to the elbow can wedge inside, and eventually my whole shoulder. I keep working it until I've stretched the asshole to about six feet."
"Six feet!?" replies the officer, "What the hell would you do with a six-foot asshole?!"
The lady answers, "Park him behind a billboard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ab3jv/a_woman_is_speeding_down_the_highway/
%
A gay male couple and a lesbian couple both decide to go to Los Vegas; Who gets there first?

Well, the lesbians get there lickity split while the gays are still back at home packing their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ab30x/a_gay_male_couple_and_a_lesbian_couple_both/
%
What is the difference between a woman and a knife during an argument?

A knife has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ab1zu/what_is_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
%
I thought I could never be a good dancer until I discovered Dance Dance Revolution. Though I've only really mastered one move,

it's a step in the right direction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aaw5q/i_thought_i_could_never_be_a_good_dancer_until_i/
%
I tried to schedule an appointment at the library.

They were overbooked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aavtk/i_tried_to_schedule_an_appointment_at_the_library/
%
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aas4y/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
What type of cat is always disappointed ?

Sighamese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aaq6n/what_type_of_cat_is_always_disappointed/
%
Dinner with friends

So these three couples go out to dinner. The first guy turns to his wife and says "can you pass the honey, honey?". This caused his wife to smile so big that she got this big lovey dovey look on her face as she happily passed the honey and gave him a big kiss on the cheek. The second guy not wanting to be outdone turns to his wife and says " can you pass the sugar, sugar?".  His wife too got this lovey-dovey look on her face and a smile that went from ear-to-ear, she passed the sugar to her husband and also gave him a big kiss on the cheek. The third guy was digging into his dinner cutting into his steak when all the sudden feels a kick from under the table. His wife was giving him a look like, aren't you gonna say something too? So with a big smirky grin he looks to his wife and says "can you pass me the tea...bag?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aapkj/dinner_with_friends/
%
I went to the supermarket today ,and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aaojw/i_went_to_the_supermarket_today_and_i_was_there/
%
It turns out if you Google "Lost medieval servant boy"

it says "this page cannot be found"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aao78/it_turns_out_if_you_google_lost_medieval_servant/
%
Did you know that you can tell how smart an ant is by catching it on fire?

If it burns, it's a smart ant.
If it doesn't, it's retardant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aajmm/did_you_know_that_you_can_tell_how_smart_an_ant/
%
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

I hear it's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aajlb/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
%
I once dated a girl at a lumber yard...

I got wood every time I saw her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aajcc/i_once_dated_a_girl_at_a_lumber_yard/
%
What do you call a german bra?

Dasshouldstopumfromfloppin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aad6i/what_do_you_call_a_german_bra/
%
Two Iraqi Fathers...

...are standing in line for bread, and strike up a conversation. They begin to talk about their families. The first father pulls out his wallet and shows a picture of his first son. With great pride he says "Here is my Ahmed. He is martyr!" The second father pulls out his wallet and says with great pride "Here is my Mohammed, it seems just yesterday he was a boy, but now, he is also martyr". The first father replies "Ahh, they blow up so quickly!"
Preemptive edit:
Heard this joke over in Iraq. I originally posted this joke in a comments section, and someone thought it was actually funny, so figured I'd make it a proper post to share with the class. Sorry in advance if this has been posted before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aa98s/two_iraqi_fathers/
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My girlfriend said she wanted to break up

It's okay though, she said we could still be cousins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aa74x/my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_to_break_up/
%
I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps.

All I got were Icy Stares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aa5zn/i_told_my_wife_that_it_was_her_turn_to_shovel_and/
%
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aa4yk/a_guy_calls_a_company_and_orders_their_5day_5lbs/
%
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.

Baaa-dum-tsss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aa46h/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket...

She said some asshole must have her pen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aa3g5/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
%
So this guy asks if I prefer breasts or legs

And I reply, really I'd prefer wet pussy.
Apparently this is not an appropriate thing to say at KFC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aa0mf/so_this_guy_asks_if_i_prefer_breasts_or_legs/
%
A man walks into a bar

, and orders a drink.
As the bartender pours his drink, he begins to hear little voices saying nice things to him.
"Great tie, looks nice with those shoes."
"Swell haircut."
He asks the bartender about the voices, and the bartender replies, "Oh. It's the peanuts, they're complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aa0bw/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why does Wheres Waldo wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6aa073/why_does_wheres_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a9u3q/why_did_the_cows_return_to_the_marijuana_field/
%
What's red, black, white, and can't get through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a9p3x/whats_red_black_white_and_cant_get_through_a/
%
(Original) What do you call it when Trump and Mike Pence go to the movies together?

A government mandate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a9mlu/original_what_do_you_call_it_when_trump_and_mike/
%
Your momma is so fat, when she is five minutes late...

The front of her is on time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a9lma/your_momma_is_so_fat_when_she_is_five_minutes_late/
%
Stephen Curry the dog

A man walks into a pet shelter, looking for a dog
he asks the worker for an interesting dog
"well, we have this attack dog owned by Stephen Curry, who named him after himself.
Watch this: Stephen Curry! The rag!"
The dog ripped apart the rag he was holding
"Stephen Curry! my pants!"
The dog ripped off the worker's pants
"I'll take it" said the man
When the man arrived home and met his husband, he told him: "Hey sweetie, I got a dog owned by Stephen Curry"
"Ha! Stephen Curry my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a9jux/stephen_curry_the_dog/
%
How many sayains does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Find out next week on Dragon Ball Z

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a9hsq/how_many_sayains_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
I don't get the point of a lap dance

If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a9h2k/i_dont_get_the_point_of_a_lap_dance/
%
What do engineers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a9h0g/what_do_engineers_use_for_birth_control/
%
(Original) What do Jesus Christ and Communism have in common?

They both fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a9gv1/original_what_do_jesus_christ_and_communism_have/
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(Original) How do you give a coat an orgasm?

Jacket off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a9gjc/original_how_do_you_give_a_coat_an_orgasm/
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Good trade

Man was walking down the street with a case of beer. His friend Sam stops him and asks "what did ya get the beer for?"
I got it for my wife answers the man
Oh exclaims Sam "Good trade"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a9da0/good_trade/
%
I just fell off a 60 foot ladder!

Luckily, I was on the first step.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a970n/i_just_fell_off_a_60_foot_ladder/
%
The Trucker and His Dog [NSFW]

A truck driver was sitting in a truck stop down in Mississippi when a State Trooper walked in and asked who's dog was sitting outside of the truck stop.
Driver: "That's my dog out there sir, is something the matter?"
Trooper: "Nothing is the matter driver, I just happened to notice your dog is in heat."
Driver: "Well that can't be sir, I made sure she was in the shade and had some water."
Trooper: "Nah driver, I think you misunderstood me. I mean she needs bred."
Driver: "No sir, I don't feed my dog bread. I only feed her and she just ate before I came in."
Trooper: "Driver, I don't think you're understanding what I'm telling you so I'ma say it more plainly. Your dog needs to be fucked."
Driver: "Oh, well why didn't you say so? Go ahead and fuck her, I always wanted a police dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a92uh/the_trucker_and_his_dog_nsfw/
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My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up man, things could be worse, you could be in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a92m4/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_things_could/
%
Surprisingly good joke from my French teacher

There was an odd man in a Marseille village. He lived on a farm with his three cats. The man was not very creative, and for simplicity decided to name them un, deux, and trois. One day, the old man and his cats went fishing. There was, however, a big storm on the horizon. The ship was overturned, and the man, his boat, and his cats were never seen again. The next day, the news headline said:
#Un Deux Trois Cats Sank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a90bn/surprisingly_good_joke_from_my_french_teacher/
%
What do you call a drug addict frog?

Methamphibian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a8z0b/what_do_you_call_a_drug_addict_frog/
%
What do you call it when a Mexican man shoots himself?

a hole in Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a8y7c/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_mexican_man_shoots/
%
Turning 30 was a lot sexier in Roman times

XXX

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a8vzx/turning_30_was_a_lot_sexier_in_roman_times/
%
Homeless in America

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last month, I had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head,
I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.
"No, no.... I was paroled.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a8o8g/homeless_in_america/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a8gk5/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a porcupine?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a8fcd/whats_the_difference_between_a_ferrari_and_a/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot...

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a8exn/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates,

It doesn't last long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a8eh5/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
My grandfather has the heart of a lion...

And a lifetime ban from out local zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a8e1d/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and Ships

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a8dek/what_do_sea_monsters_eat/
%
Did you ever blow Bubbles when you were a kid?

He's back in town and wants your new number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a8d48/did_you_ever_blow_bubbles_when_you_were_a_kid/
%
What's the difference between a dead baby and a dead baby joke?

Dead baby jokes get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a8bwx/whats_the_difference_between_a_dead_baby_and_a/
%
I used to tell girls i had a ten inch penis.

Until one of them pointed out that I was holding the ruler backwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a8bjs/i_used_to_tell_girls_i_had_a_ten_inch_penis/
%
I just ended a 5 year relationship

But it is ok, it wasn't my relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a89aj/i_just_ended_a_5_year_relationship/
%
60% of the jokes I submit to reddit are bad math puns.

and 50% are bad math.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a872z/60_of_the_jokes_i_submit_to_reddit_are_bad_math/
%
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a8659/a_man_asks_a_farmer_near_a_field_sorry_sir_would/
%
A man and a woman move to a new town...

...soon after getting married to one another. They decide to join the local church in an effort to make some new friends. The first time they attend the church service, the pastor calls out to the crowd and says that he needs 3 couples to step forward and accept a challenge. The newlyweds decide it would be a good opportunity for them to make some friends and they step forward. In addition to the newlyweds, an elderly couple and a middle-aged couple come up to the stage.
"Alright listen up." The pastor says. "You aren't allowed to have sex for a period of one month. If you succeed you'll be rewarded in the kingdom of heaven. If you fail you'll be kicked out of our church forever. Return in a month and we'll see how you do."
A month goes by and the couple returns to the church to tell the pastor how they did. The pastor steps forward and approaches the elderly couple.
"How'd you guys do?" He asks.
"It was easy!" They reply. "We only have sex once or twice a year anyway."
"Excellent!" Says the pastor. "You'll be rewarded in heaven."
He approaches the middle-aged couple and asks them the same question.
"We had a couple close calls but in the end we prevailed and resisted the temptation" replies the husband.
"Wonderful!" The pastor exclaims. "How about you two?" He asks as he approaches the newlyweds. The husband sighs and looks down at the ground.
"We were so close. We made it to the second-to-last day but my wife bent over to pick up a can of paint and I just couldn't help myself." The man says with a sigh.
"Well" says the pastor. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ban you from the church."
"That's okay" says the man. "We got banned from Home Depot too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a85sq/a_man_and_a_woman_move_to_a_new_town/
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A man goes to a diner and orders chili...

The waiter tells the man that unfortunately the woman sitting at the table behind him got the last one.
The man looks back and sees that the chili has not been touched at all. So he asks the woman, "Are you going to finish that?"
The woman goes, "No, you can have it if you want."
The man is enjoying the chili until about halfway through his spoon hits something hard. He looks closer and he sees that there is a dead rat in there. Disgusted by this, he just pukes all his food out right back into the bowl.
The woman behind him says, "Yea, that is about as far as I got as well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a83ey/a_man_goes_to_a_diner_and_orders_chili/
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To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a83b8/to_this_day_the_boy_that_used_to_bully_me_at/
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"Give blood, give blood, give blood" everyone says...

And then they're all freaked out when they unwrap their presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a80yk/give_blood_give_blood_give_blood_everyone_says/
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How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. We are very efficient and don't have any humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a80kh/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A man walks into an antique store

and starts looking around.
Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it." The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue. As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says "All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story."
The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the cat statue. When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him. He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again. This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him. The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes.
By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks. He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper. When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 10,000 cats sitting there looking at him. There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that. In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could. Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and drowned.
The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said "I told you that you would be back for the story." The man replied "The hell with the story, gimme a statue of a Mexican!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a7pbg/a_man_walks_into_an_antique_store/
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Professor gives a final to all 800 of his students in Psych 101

As time draws near, all the students are clearly stressed out, desperately trying to answer all the questions except one.
The professor counts down the last 10 seconds on his watch and calls out to the hall, "Time is up, pencils down, pass your exams up to the front."  All the students put down their pencils and pass their exams to the front, except one.  As the other students file out of the hall, the professor notices one student still working on his exam.  He says nothing and begins to stack up the other 799 exams.  5 minutes pass and the lone student is still working on his exam.  The student finally puts down his pencil and walks to the front of the room.
The professor looks at the student and says, "I cannot accept your exam because you didn't stop when the exam was over.  I'm sorry."  The professor goes back to stacking up the exams.  The student clears his throat and says quietly, "Sir, do you know who I am?".  The  professor, expecting the student to explain how rich and influential his father is, is quite angry.  "I do not know who you are, nor do I care.  I do not make exceptions for anyone."
The student smiles and walks over to the unsorted exams, places his exam on the pile and proceeds to shuffle the exams and walks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a7k3b/professor_gives_a_final_to_all_800_of_his/
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A marriage is a lot like a card game

In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a7iuk/a_marriage_is_a_lot_like_a_card_game/
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When I get a dog, I'm going to call him Syndrome.

Down Syndrome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a7g3j/when_i_get_a_dog_im_going_to_call_him_syndrome/
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I was going to make a constipation joke...

But it just wouldn't come out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a7dtc/i_was_going_to_make_a_constipation_joke/
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Two peanuts were walking down the street

One was a salted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a7cus/two_peanuts_were_walking_down_the_street/
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I'm building a brothel for lesbians.

No studs in the building, it's all tongue and groove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a7cdp/im_building_a_brothel_for_lesbians/
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4-year-old son

4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven
4-year-old: No, I mean, when you die, do I get your stuff?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a7b56/4yearold_son/
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Stuttering Cat

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....
And before he could say ‘fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a786g/stuttering_cat/
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Here's a joke: What'd one tit say to the other after the bra came off?

Nothing, they just hung out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a77kk/heres_a_joke_whatd_one_tit_say_to_the_other_after/
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(Original) What do you call a feminist government?

A Dick-hater-ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a74on/original_what_do_you_call_a_feminist_government/
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Don't make jokes about Mexicans.

Thats crossing the border.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a73hr/dont_make_jokes_about_mexicans/
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I don't get it...

Getting off is fun, getting laid is even more fun. But getting laid off isn't fun at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a72mo/i_dont_get_it/
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My dad burnt this beautiful slab of meat last night...

He made a terrible missteak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a712v/my_dad_burnt_this_beautiful_slab_of_meat_last/
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I found out I was colourblind today

It was totally out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6z5e/i_found_out_i_was_colourblind_today/
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Tried hitting on a girl at the bar... She rudely said "I only like brown cock"

I sighed and said "I guess we can start with anal if you insist".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6xv0/tried_hitting_on_a_girl_at_the_bar_she_rudely/
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My dad is the greatest magician of all time

He did a vanishing trick over 16 years ago and still hasn't been found

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6w4t/my_dad_is_the_greatest_magician_of_all_time/
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How a blind skydiver knows he's going to land?

Guide dogs leash gets loose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6t5k/how_a_blind_skydiver_knows_hes_going_to_land/
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What's the difference between a guy with an Arts Major, and a guy with a Philosophy Major?

One will ask WHY you want fries with that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6svx/whats_the_difference_between_a_guy_with_an_arts/
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How many Trump supporters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they'd rather stay in the dark about things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6rvt/how_many_trump_supporters_does_it_take_to_screw/
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Musical Bar

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest—and closes the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6q0c/musical_bar/
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A man walks into a bar

and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill. "$3", says the bartender.
The man just for fun goes on and places $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated.
Next time, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table.
Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change".
The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6pt4/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Dear Tech Support

* Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate
* Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support
* Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, Troubled User
* Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system! Best of luck, Tech Support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6ntq/dear_tech_support/
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12 Days of Christmas

December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! Agnes
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6nqs/12_days_of_christmas/
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Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet

He scares the shit out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6jmf/chuck_norris_doesnt_flush_the_toilet/
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woman at hardware store!

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw
a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager,
to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lottamoney!" Mary exclaimed. Then she
proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy,
and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6jl9/woman_at_hardware_store/
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Roses are red, violets are red, grass is red

Oh shit my garden is on fire!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6hqh/roses_are_red_violets_are_red_grass_is_red/
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Nice ham you got there!

It would be a shame if someone added an 'S' and an 'E'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6hjx/nice_ham_you_got_there/
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A tight end went to jail

He came back a wide receiver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6fb3/a_tight_end_went_to_jail/
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I just realized I haven't taken a Facebook quiz in years.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6cu7/i_just_realized_i_havent_taken_a_facebook_quiz_in/
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The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The three friends agree that this is their chance to make it big and decide to go together to find this treasure.
After searching for months deep in the jungle, they come across a cave that they are certain contains the treasure. There are many traps within the cave: poisoned arrows, moats of crocodiles, pits of fire, and rolling boulders, but the three friends are determined to get their wealth. Finally, they reach the deepest part of the cave and it is *filled* with treasure: gold, diamonds, rubies, and more! In the center of the cave is a large sepulchre with the words of a strange language written across it and depictions of death and suffering all along its sides. The three friends paid it no heed and proceeded to fill their pockets and backpacks with treasure. Suddenly the door of the sepulchre burst open and a black, decrepit coffin *floated* out. From out of the coffin arose a  rotting hand holding a large ceremonial dagger. The coffin slowly came towards Gary, Dan, and Job, the hand stabbing at the air as it went. The men let out a shriek, grabbed their bags full of treasure, and ran from the cave.
Years passed and the three men had enjoyed their newfound wealth, each buying his own luxurious mansion, servants, cars, and whatever they desired. One day, as Gary was staring out of his mansion window, he noticed something on the horizon. It was that coffin with the dreadful hand still stabbing at air, and it was slowly floating toward his home. Gary shouted for the butlers to bar the doors and Gary grabbed his prized elephant gun. The doors didn't stop the coffin though, it plodded right through. Gary shot frantically, but the bullets didn't affect the coffin at all. The coffin stabbed Gary, and the life faded quickly from his eyes.
Dan heard about Gary's death and feared for his own life, so he hired many trained mercenaries as guards to protect him. Soon enough, Dan saw the coffin coming for his luxurious mansion and sounded the alarm. The guards locked all of the doors and opened fire on the coffin, but it didn't stop! Grenades, machine guns, RPGs, none of it could stop the coffin. The guards, seeing the vanity of their efforts, fled in terror. Dan begged and begged for the coffin to stop, but it kept coming. The coffin stabbed Dan right in the heart, and the man fell to the ground lifeless, the white marble floor of his manor now marred by streaks of crimson.
Job, of course, heard of the deaths of his two friends and feared the coffin. He built a large wall of iron around his house, he hired guards, planted landmines, and set traps (he had the money to do so, afterall). When the coffin came, none of it helped. The coffin plowed through the wall, floated over the landmines, was unaffected by the traps, and overpowered the guards. The coffin busted down Job's mansion doors and began making it's way toward him. Job, desperate, began throwing anything he could grab at the coffin: dining room chairs, knives, forks, and even his pet cat (poor Mr. Whiskers!), but the coffin didn't stop. Job fled to his bathroom, hoping the coffin couldn't find him there, but he soon heard the swish of air from the swinging of the coffin's dagger. Before Job could attempt to flee again, the door came crashing down. In one final attempt to save his life, Job opened the bathroom medicine cabinet and threw a package of Halls extra strength lozenges, and the coffin stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6bae/the_curse_of_the_coffin/
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Me: What rhymes with orange

Him: No it doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6atk/me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
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3 men are repairing a barn roof when the ladder gets knocked over

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Newfie are all up on a barn roof doing repairs when a strong gust of wind blows their ladder away. The barn is in the middle of nowhere so they might have to wait days before someone passes by to save them.
They all begin looking for a way down but the only thing nearby is a huge pile of manure next to the barn. They all decide that jumping in manure is preferably to staying up there for days so they all ready to jump off.
The Frenchman jumps off and sinks to his knees, shakes himself off and walks away.
The Englishman jumps off and sinks to his waist, shakes himself off and walks away.
The Newfie jumps and sinks to his ankles. How did he do it?
---
The Newfie jumped headfirst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a6a36/3_men_are_repairing_a_barn_roof_when_the_ladder/
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I read an article about the dangers of smoking and drinking and it scared the shit out of me so im quitting.

I'm never reading again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a65eg/i_read_an_article_about_the_dangers_of_smoking/
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I like my sex like I like my basketball

1 on 1 with as little dribbling as possible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a63o5/i_like_my_sex_like_i_like_my_basketball/
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An attorney arrived home late, after

a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor
had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, ' DON'T YOU
EVER STOP?!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a63ap/an_attorney_arrived_home_late_after/
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There’s a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a blow job

after he completed some work for us. Well that’s a load of bollocks. The only person home that day was our cross dressing son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a62hl/theres_a_rumour_going_around_my_village_that_my/
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Hitler wasn't that bad.

I mean, he killed Hitler!
*although he killed the guy who killed Hitler. Man, that guy is the worst.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a626q/hitler_wasnt_that_bad/
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Have you had Ethiopian food before?

Yeah well, neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a613d/have_you_had_ethiopian_food_before/
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I called the shitpost hotline on reddit

They got excited and asked if I'd heard of r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a60zo/i_called_the_shitpost_hotline_on_reddit/
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A man returned home from the night shift at 8 am

went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, feigning sleep. Not to be denied, the horny fellow pulled up the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?", he asked, "we were just making love." "Oh my God", his wife gasped, "that's my mother up there! She came over with a headache. I told her to lie down for a while!"
Rushing upstairs, the woman ran into the bedroom. "Why didn't you say something!", she asked her mother. "I haven't spoken to that jerk in fifteen years", she huffed, "and I wasn't about to start now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a60y6/a_man_returned_home_from_the_night_shift_at_8_am/
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What do you call a highly intelligent person in Washington DC who wants to help Donald Trump?

A psychiatrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a5wao/what_do_you_call_a_highly_intelligent_person_in/
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My gf recently dumped me because she is like that Nelly Furtado, she's like a bird, she always flies away. But ya know what, I'm like a bird too!

I shit on her car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a5w8c/my_gf_recently_dumped_me_because_she_is_like_that/
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What do you call a black person on the moon?

An astronaut you racist fuck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a5u4m/what_do_you_call_a_black_person_on_the_moon/
%
My wife said she's leaving me because I "can't do anything right when it comes to housework. "

Selfish bitch, it took me hours to mop that carpet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a5s1a/my_wife_said_shes_leaving_me_because_i_cant_do/
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Whats the best thing about being an abortion docter?

You don't have to buy dog food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a5r12/whats_the_best_thing_about_being_an_abortion/
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Man goes to a Halloween party in nothing but his underwear and a woman strapped to his back.

His friend sees him and says, "Hey, what are you meant to be?"
"Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle" he replies
His friend responds, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?"
The man replies, "oh, that's just Michelle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a5qt6/man_goes_to_a_halloween_party_in_nothing_but_his/
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How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a5os7/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Do you have a pen?

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.” I looked at her said, ”Have you got a pen.” She said, “I sure do." I said, “ Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
My dental surgery is on Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a5ia3/do_you_have_a_pen/
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If Mr. Spock uses a condom...

...does that make it vulcanized rubber?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a5czk/if_mr_spock_uses_a_condom/
%
A nerd was invited to compete in the Trigonometry Mathletic Competition...

he said:
"Sine me up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a5b5w/a_nerd_was_invited_to_compete_in_the_trigonometry/
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why are balloons getting so expensive nowadays?

inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a540g/why_are_balloons_getting_so_expensive_nowadays/
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My wife came home from work crying and asked me to console her.

So I twatted her with the Xbox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a53yh/my_wife_came_home_from_work_crying_and_asked_me/
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Incest isn't cool...

I can count at least 17 reasons why on my hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a53t3/incest_isnt_cool/
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Paddy was morbidly obese so he went to see the doctor…

The doctor says, "OK, Paddy, I want you to eat normally for a day, then skip a day, then eat normally for a day, then skip a day. Stick to this regime for a fortnight and you will lose weight, so come back and see me then."
A fortnight later, Paddy returns to the doctor, who is amazed to see that Paddy has lost sixty pounds.
"Amazing, Paddy! This is far more weight loss than I would have anticipated, well done!
Paddy replies, "Well sorr, it was feckin' torture, oi nearly taut dat oi would die on the fifth day."
The doctor says, "What, from the hunger?"
Paddy replied, "No sorr, from all dat feckin skippin'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a51lx/paddy_was_morbidly_obese_so_he_went_to_see_the/
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Why was the Jazz movie rated R

Too much sax and violins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4zhv/why_was_the_jazz_movie_rated_r/
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A pregnant woman was caught up in a gang shooting

She was shot three times but survived as did her babies. She gave birth to triplets 4 months later.
7 years after the birth of her children, one of them runs through to his mother saying "mother, I just went for a poop and there was a bullet in it", so she explains what happened.
2 years after this, one of the children is choking when he suddenly spits up a small bullet. He runs crying to his mother panicked so she explains what happened.
Finally, another 5 years after this incident, the last triplet runs crying to his mother.
"Mummy mummy, you'll never believe what's happened!!"
"Let me guess, you saw a bullet in your poop"
"No mummy!!"
"Then what?" She replied..
"I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4yhn/a_pregnant_woman_was_caught_up_in_a_gang_shooting/
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I got a new bumper sticker the other day.

It says 'honk if you think I'm sexy.'
I've never felt so confident. I should probably stop waiting at green lights though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4xj6/i_got_a_new_bumper_sticker_the_other_day/
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The Matador

A man walks into a restaurant in Spain that is advertising it's most famous dish, The Matador. He orders it, and a plate is brought out, with two large, round meatballs on it that appear to have been fried and dipped in a sauce. He tries it, and it turns out to taste absolutely amazing. So he comes back the next day, and orders the same thing. Again, it tastes amazing, and he comes back a third day and orders it again. This time, instead of two large meatballs, he gets two small ones. They still taste great, so he calls over his waiter. "Excuse me," he says, "I've been coming here for 3 days now, and while this tastes great, the last two days, the meal was a lot bigger. Why is that?" "Well, sir," replies the waiter, "today, the Bull won."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4wkg/the_matador/
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Science Builds Planes and Skyscrapers...

Faith brings them together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4vb9/science_builds_planes_and_skyscrapers/
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A senior citizen gives birth

Modern medicine has allowed women to give birth at an even older age than than they had been able to do so before.
Using this new in vitro technology, a 65 year old has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.”
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says “not yet.”
Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4trj/a_senior_citizen_gives_birth/
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What d'you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians.

A drummer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4sk1/what_dyou_call_a_guy_who_hangs_out_with_a_bunch/
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A prostitute who specializes and loves Anal goes to a doctor and says that she is feeling pain in her asshole. ?

The doctor enters his device into her butt and says: "feeling pain here?"
She says: "No, go further."
.
.
Doctor: "Here?"
.
She says: "No, A little further."
.
.
Doctor: "Here?."
She says: "No, A little more"
.
.
.
Finally she says YES YES HERE HERE..
.
Doctor says: "**SON OF A BITCH** You have sour throat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4q0t/a_prostitute_who_specializes_and_loves_anal_goes/
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Dead crows

The Highways Agency found over two hundred dead crows on the M4 near Slough recently, and there was immediate concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.
However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
... They discovered that whilst all the lookout crows could shout "Cah!" - not a single one could shout "Lorry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4p5g/dead_crows/
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I called the Suicide Hotline in Iraq...

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4p1a/i_called_the_suicide_hotline_in_iraq/
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Two economists walk down a road...

Two economists walk down a road and they see a twenty dollar bill lying on the side-walk. One of them asks “is that a twenty dollar bill?” Then the other one answers “It can’t be, because someone would have picked it up already,” and they keep walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4ovi/two_economists_walk_down_a_road/
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Where would Humor be without kids?

Downtown at a bar with friends...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4o0h/where_would_humor_be_without_kids/
%
An Alabama married couple moves to New York and gets a divorce

Are they still brother and sister?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4nwi/an_alabama_married_couple_moves_to_new_york_and/
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Pregnant woman at the beach.

Jim and Bob were swimming when they saw a pregnant woman drowning.
They quickly pulled her to safety.
Jim starts giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation.
Bob takes off the woman's panties and puts his mouth on her pussy.
Jim: "What the fuck are you doing?!"
Bob: "You save the woman. I'll save the child!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4nrf/pregnant_woman_at_the_beach/
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The cow boys watch....

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4loy/the_cow_boys_watch/
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Politics is like driving

No matter which lane you're in, anyone moving faster than you is a maniac and anyone going slower is a moron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4kvh/politics_is_like_driving/
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How did Nazi Germany prove climate change is real?

They made it snow in the summer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4k6r/how_did_nazi_germany_prove_climate_change_is_real/
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A man goes to the circus. After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.

"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.
-"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.
-"Pssh, a lot of people can do that".
-"Oh well", the man says and flies away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4k09/a_man_goes_to_the_circus_after_the_show_he_speaks/
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A young man is touring Harvard campus and decides to ask for directions on how to get to the library.

He finds a girl reading a book under a tree and says "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library's at?" She cringes and says "You should never end a sentence with a preposition." The young man look confused for a second and replies, "I'm sorry - can you tell me where the library's at... bitch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4jcy/a_young_man_is_touring_harvard_campus_and_decides/
%
Faberge eggs...

You can't beat 'em!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4jcq/faberge_eggs/
%
A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless and stormed off". The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?". To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4is3/a_mathematician_and_an_engineer_agreed_to_take/
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A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were monitoring a house...

They saw one person walk in, but several months later they saw two walk out.
The biologist said: "They must've reproduced!"
The physicist said: "It must be a calculation error"
The mathematician said: "If one more walks in, the house will be empty"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4ihd/a_biologist_a_physicist_and_a_mathematician_were/
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I went to a swimming pool with my bipolar friend

He dissolved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4hyk/i_went_to_a_swimming_pool_with_my_bipolar_friend/
%
My friend fell into a vat of chemicals…

Ironically, it was his quick reaction that killed him…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4gy6/my_friend_fell_into_a_vat_of_chemicals/
%
Two guys are walking down the sidewalk, one guy walks into a bar...

The other guy ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4g3d/two_guys_are_walking_down_the_sidewalk_one_guy/
%
A daughter takes her new boyfriend home to meet her parents

Her dad asks, "so, what do you do?"
The boyfriend says, "Im training in Madrid as a goalie. I'm hoping to work my way into the first team next season!"
The dad winks at his daughter, nudges her on the arm and says, "watch out for this one, he's gonna be a real keeper"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4g2c/a_daughter_takes_her_new_boyfriend_home_to_meet/
%
Two guys and a girl walk into a hotel.

The manager of the hotel welcomes them in and congratulates them for being the 9,99,998th, 9,99,999th and 10,00,000th customers respectively. He says they have won a special prize for having completed one million customers.
He leads them to an empty swimming pool and says "This is a special pool. While jumping into it, wish for whatever you want and the pool will fill up with whatever you wished. You can then take the contents home. This is our gift to you. You only get one chance at this though."
The first guy goes ahead to make his jump. He jumps and while in the air yells "Money!". The pool promptly fills up with money and the guy falls into it. He collects the cash and heads out.
Then the girl jumps into the pool and yells "Dresses!". The pool is filled with innumerable dresses which she collects and walks out.
The remaining guy jumps in without making up his mind. However, while mid air, a pigeon flies over him and craps on his head. Unwittingly, he exclaims "Oh Shit!"
The hotel had to be shut down after that..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4fpr/two_guys_and_a_girl_walk_into_a_hotel/
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I told my wife I was going to do stand-up comedy

She said, "You're joking"
I said, "I told you I was good"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4fcr/i_told_my_wife_i_was_going_to_do_standup_comedy/
%
what do parking spots and girls have incommon?

sometimes when all the good ones are taken, you have to put it in disabled one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4cwz/what_do_parking_spots_and_girls_have_incommon/
%
What happens when a painter can't finish a joke?

Sketch Comedy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4br3/what_happens_when_a_painter_cant_finish_a_joke/
%
A group of Engineering Professors were invited to a flight.

At 30,000 ft, they were informed by the crew that the plane was built by their students. All but one of the professors scrambeled off their seats towards the exits.
The lone teacher left was asked, why are you not out like the rest? He nervously replied : my students built the parachutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4awd/a_group_of_engineering_professors_were_invited_to/
%
If you hump a whale,

does it humpback?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a49ov/if_you_hump_a_whale/
%
After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny..

"Look," says Bob, "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a women for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you."
Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob fucks him up the arse. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go.
"Fuck off," Bob replies, "I've got a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a496v/after_two_weeks_on_a_desert_island_with_only_each/
%
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a47cq/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
With the surge in popularity of Country Music artists that have included rap in their songs, like Jason Aldean and Sam Hunt, this years CMA's will include a new category. As it is a hybrid style of genres, Rap and Country, the producers have settled on a fitting name for the award.

CRAP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a46he/with_the_surge_in_popularity_of_country_music/
%
What was Hitler's favorite bar?

Bar Mitzvah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4578/what_was_hitlers_favorite_bar/
%
Masochist: "Hurt me."

Sadist: "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a44bh/masochist_hurt_me/
%
Where do suicide bombers go after work?

Everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a43g6/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_after_work/
%
Why do Asian women have small boobs?

Because only A's are acceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a419v/why_do_asian_women_have_small_boobs/
%
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a40yh/which_sexual_position_produces_the_ugliest/
%
the invention of the shovel was ground breaking (short)

the invention of the shovel was ground breaking.
but the invention of the broom was the one that truly swept the nation.
- Scratch Farrell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a4028/the_invention_of_the_shovel_was_ground_breaking/
%
RIP boiled water...

...you will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3xy3/rip_boiled_water/
%
I was mad at my best friend, so I poked holes in his condoms...

And now my mom is pregnant..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3xmi/i_was_mad_at_my_best_friend_so_i_poked_holes_in/
%
I bought a new dog yesterday.

I’ve named him Rolex…….he’s a watchdog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3x9h/i_bought_a_new_dog_yesterday/
%
A Man walked into a bar with a gun

The man - Which one of you F*cked my wife?!
Random guy in the bar - YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY BULLETS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3x99/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_with_a_gun/
%
Came up with the perfect name for my printer earlier...

The Device Formerly Known as Prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3vn9/came_up_with_the_perfect_name_for_my_printer/
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Why shouldn't you argue with an idiot?

Cause they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3rmu/why_shouldnt_you_argue_with_an_idiot/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I pissed in the shower

I replied, "Of course! I mean, a little comes out when you take a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3rgd/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_pissed_in_the_shower/
%
Thanks for explaining the word "apathy" to me

But it still means I don't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3pn3/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_apathy_to_me/
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As per the doctor's recommendation, I have decided to rid my diet of trans fat.

Goodbye Tumblr!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3pha/as_per_the_doctors_recommendation_i_have_decided/
%
A stray bullet just flew through my window and broke my monitor.

I think there are better ways to take a screenshot...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3kna/a_stray_bullet_just_flew_through_my_window_and/
%
Why can't USA play chess?

They lost their towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3jcv/why_cant_usa_play_chess/
%
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear.The other's a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3j6p/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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Doubt this is true, but I heard that one of those fraudulent midget psychics who escaped was preggers at the time!

Now there's an extra small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3i97/doubt_this_is_true_but_i_heard_that_one_of_those/
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Everybody knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3eif/everybody_knows_dave/
%
A training plane with 4 people crashes

into a graveyard. 79 victims were found dead in the first hour of search and rescue. Authorities fear that the number may rise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3e8z/a_training_plane_with_4_people_crashes/
%
Today I saw a penny in a urinal and wondered what they wished for.

I'm wishing for a drier pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3e0y/today_i_saw_a_penny_in_a_urinal_and_wondered_what/
%
I was contemplating engineering a newer, more advanced clone of my brain...

But then I realized I was getting ahead of myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3b6m/i_was_contemplating_engineering_a_newer_more/
%
One of my dad's favorites..

A man dies and finds himself at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter greets him and stops him from entering. While this man was not a really bad man, neither was he particularly good and St. Peter sends him down to hell. When he gets there, he is greeted by the devil, who tells him that there are three doors to pick from, and he must spend the rest of eternity in the one he chooses.
The devil opens up the first door and the man sees a large room, filled with people, but they are all standing on their heads on a wooden floor. "Hmm, OK," the man says. "Let me see the second door."
The devil walks over to the second door and opens it. Inside the man sees a large group of people standing on their heads, but this time, they are on a concrete floor. "Hmm, OK," the man says. "Let me see the third door."
The devil walks over to the third door, pulls it open and this time the man sees a large group of people standing around drinking coffee, only they are knee deep in dog shit.
"Choose," the devil says.
The man peers into the third room again and makes up his mind. "Hmm, well, I really like coffee and I don't really mind the smell of dog shit, so I think I'm gonna pick door number three."
The man wades in, through the dog shit, and after a minute someone hands him a cup of coffee. A few minutes go by, and suddenly he hears a loud whistle blow and a loud voice booms over the intercom. "OK assholes, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a37py/one_of_my_dads_favorites/
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Little Johnny's first grade class was playing name that animal...

The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a33mv/little_johnnys_first_grade_class_was_playing_name/
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"Hey five-penis Charlie, how do your pants fit?"

"Like a glove"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a3366/hey_fivepenis_charlie_how_do_your_pants_fit/
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Have you eaten African food before???

No? Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a30y4/have_you_eaten_african_food_before/
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The problem with 9/11 jokes is that

they never seem to land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2zp6/the_problem_with_911_jokes_is_that/
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As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2zgv/as_a_german_you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

a four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2xxp/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
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My crush told me someone was stalking her when she was walking home.

I instantly called her on her bullshit because nobody else was following her when I followed her home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2x6i/my_crush_told_me_someone_was_stalking_her_when/
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I saw a kidnapping today...

I decided not to wake him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2uu5/i_saw_a_kidnapping_today/
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What do you call it when a gas turns into a liquid?

Sharting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2tpm/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_gas_turns_into_a_liquid/
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Why do people always tell Peter Pan jokes?

Because they never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2qwg/why_do_people_always_tell_peter_pan_jokes/
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2q0h/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
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I got drunk yesterday and ate some scrabble tiles....

Seemed fun at the time,  but now that I'm sober, I fear my next poop could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2p2x/i_got_drunk_yesterday_and_ate_some_scrabble_tiles/
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Midget priest

The new bishop is visiting local churches to meet the priests and introduce himself.
He walks in to see a midget priest.
Surprised he exclaims "wow you must be the only midget catholic priest in the whole faith, what's that like?"
The midget says "actually we prefer little people"
Bishop replies "Who doesn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2op0/midget_priest/
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I have a friend who lives in North Korea...

I asked her what it was liking living there.
She said she can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2o5r/i_have_a_friend_who_lives_in_north_korea/
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Why did the banker quit his job?

Because he lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2ml7/why_did_the_banker_quit_his_job/
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What do you call when you cross a detective with an electrician

Sherlock Ohms
(sorry if this is repost, I thought of it in class)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2l7x/what_do_you_call_when_you_cross_a_detective_with/
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A man stands up in court to hear his sentence...

Judge: "For killing you wife with a hammer..."
A man in the crowd: "You fucking bastard!"
The judge continues: "... and for killing your daughter with a hammer..."
The man in the crowd again: "You fucking bastard!"
Judge: "Sir, I know this is a heinous crime, but I am going to have to ask you to be quiet or else you will be expelled from this court room."
Man: "You fucking bastard! When I asked you if I could borrow your hammer you said you didn't have one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2k4i/a_man_stands_up_in_court_to_hear_his_sentence/
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Weed is like the Quran

I burn it untill i get stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2jta/weed_is_like_the_quran/
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The three little words that make my heart race

"Out for delivery"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2is2/the_three_little_words_that_make_my_heart_race/
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Did you hear about the cow tipper that got attacked by a bull?

He got a taste of his own meadow sin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2gxm/did_you_hear_about_the_cow_tipper_that_got/
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Where does the guru go after a long day of work?

Hooooommmmmmmmmmmmme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2gu2/where_does_the_guru_go_after_a_long_day_of_work/
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What do you call gay bread?

A faguette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2fae/what_do_you_call_gay_bread/
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What do you call soft-spoken security guards at the Samsung store?

Gaurdians of the Galaxy: Volume 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2cyt/what_do_you_call_softspoken_security_guards_at/
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A pirate with one glass-eye brings his spanish crewmate and his friend who's sensitive to cold to sink an admiral's ship.

He fails miserably and the admiral makes them all walk the plank. As the pirate falls, his fake eye plops into the ocean. "eye, sea!" The pirate yells in frustration. As the friend falls, he shivers and states: "i-i-i-cy...". The Spanish crewmate falls and merely states "Aye, si."
The admiral watches on, smirking in his victory. "So this is how pirates act. I see..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a29wy/a_pirate_with_one_glasseye_brings_his_spanish/
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Your loving son , Rocky

A father passing by his teenage son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up
prominently on the center of the pillow.
It was addressed "Dad".
With the worst premonition,
he opened the envelope and
read the letter with trembling hands :-
Dear dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you,
but I'm leaving home.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend Rosy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Rosy and she is so nice to me.
I know when you meet her you'll like her too even with all her piercings and tattoos.
But it's not only the passion Dad,
She is pregnant and said that
She wants to have the kid and
that we can be very happy together.
Even though Rosy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?),
and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
It's true she had other boyfriends as well but I know she'll be faithful to me in her own way.
She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Rosy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us
and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime,
we'll pray that science will find a
cure for AIDS so Rosy can get better;
She sure deserves it!!
Your loving son,
Rocky.
At the bottom of the page were the letters
"PTO"
Hands still trembling, his father turned the sheet,  and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that
there are worse things in life than
my report card that's in my desk center drawer.
Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a28qp/your_loving_son_rocky/
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A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Kid: No, minding his own business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a24g8/a_kid_takes_a_taxi_home_while_he_eats_a_chocolate/
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I found a book called "The Amputee's Songbook"

It contains such classics as, "If You're Happy and You Know It....Oh Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a23ob/i_found_a_book_called_the_amputees_songbook/
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To anyone thinking that a womans place is the kitchen

Remember that's where the knives are kept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a2302/to_anyone_thinking_that_a_womans_place_is_the/
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What has beautiful breasts, a full ass, and loves blowjobs?

Not my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a21tc/what_has_beautiful_breasts_a_full_ass_and_loves/
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Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Friend: I don't know.
Me: To get to the retard's house.
Me: Knock knock!
Friend: Who's there?
Me: The chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a211b/me_why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a20ll/i_used_to_think_the_brain_was_the_most_important/
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What do you call a triangle that got OWNED?

A rectangle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1ytl/what_do_you_call_a_triangle_that_got_owned/
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Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring the undisturbed nature around him and generally contemplating his place in the cosmos. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.
He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh God, help me!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to now count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian"?
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear dropped lowered his head, brought both paws together and spoke:
"Lord, please bless this food I am about to receive..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1yqq/atheist_in_the_woods/
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I was a stillborn child

My mother didn't want me but I was still born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1yo9/i_was_a_stillborn_child/
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I need you to make a container with finite temperature and infinite volume

No pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1xp9/i_need_you_to_make_a_container_with_finite/
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In fallout, why are caps used as currency?

Because america is a CAPitalist country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1xfc/in_fallout_why_are_caps_used_as_currency/
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My wife told me: 'Sex is better on holiday!'

That wasn't a very nice post card to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1x3e/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
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How to catch a polar bear

First, you dig a hole in the ice,
then you sprinkle peas around the hole
When a polar bear bends down to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1tzh/how_to_catch_a_polar_bear/
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85 percent of Reddit is smart people...

Glad I'm not in the other 19 percent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1srr/85_percent_of_reddit_is_smart_people/
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A joke my dad used to tell me when I was a kid

I love you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1qwc/a_joke_my_dad_used_to_tell_me_when_i_was_a_kid/
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I was going to get a brain transplant

In the end, I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1qnv/i_was_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
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What do you call an onion that wants to get into hiphop?

Rapscallion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1nf5/what_do_you_call_an_onion_that_wants_to_get_into/
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Did you know that humans on average eat more bananas than monkeys?

Nobody I know has ever eaten a monkey before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1mqr/did_you_know_that_humans_on_average_eat_more/
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Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone

He couldn't find the droid he was looking for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1m1n/why_did_the_storm_trooper_buy_an_iphone/
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Why can't the blind go skydiving?

Because it scares their dogs too much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1klz/why_cant_the_blind_go_skydiving/
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Knock knock...

(You say who's there)
The old switcher...
(Lol say that out loud)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1jwl/knock_knock/
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I have a few bone jokes for you...

...but tibia honest, you probably won't find it all that humerus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1jg2/i_have_a_few_bone_jokes_for_you/
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A feminist once asked me how I viewed lesbians.

I said, in HD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1hzo/a_feminist_once_asked_me_how_i_viewed_lesbians/
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Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise (long)

Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise eating lunch. The first builder opens up his lunch pail and says "fuck man, if I get a turkey sandwich one more time I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself". The second builder opens up his lunch box and says "Jesus, if I get a polish sausage again, I'll join you and jump off this building and kill myself".  The third worker opens his lunch box and says "God damnit, if I get potato pancakes again, I'll join you two and kill myself as well".
The next day at lunch the first worker opens his lunch box shows the other guys a turkey sandwich and jumps and kills himself.  The second worker opens his lunchbox, shows the remaining worker his polish sausage and jumps off the building and kills himself.  The third worker opens his lunch and its potato pancakes, he throws the lunchbox off the building and jumps off and kills himself.
About a week later at one of the funerals the wife of the first worker says "God had I known he wanted something other than a turkey sandwich, I would have made him something else!" The wife of the second worker says "oh me too, had I known he had grown tired of polish sausage I could have made him anything else!"  The third wife says "Stupid fuck, he makes his own lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1gj2/three_high_rise_builders_were_sitting_on_top_of_a/
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What does the gay Rooster say?

Any cock'll doodle doodle DO!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1f9t/what_does_the_gay_rooster_say/
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How do you break something that's already broke?

Injure a homeless person...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1eyq/how_do_you_break_something_thats_already_broke/
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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.
All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.
The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”
“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1czd/a_group_of_engineering_professors_were_invited_to/
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What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and a regular thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1b4d/whats_the_difference_between_a_rectal_thermometer/
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How many saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one but it takes 10 episodes to do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1b46/how_many_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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When girls find out I have a small penis they all say the same thing. "Don't worry about it, size isn't important.

I wouldn't fuck you even if you had a huge dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a1awo/when_girls_find_out_i_have_a_small_penis_they_all/
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Who are the fastest story readers in history?

9/11 victims because they went through hundreds of stories in a few seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a19r9/who_are_the_fastest_story_readers_in_history/
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Why did Susan bring two pairs of pants to her golf game?

In case she got a hole in one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a17ng/why_did_susan_bring_two_pairs_of_pants_to_her/
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Hugh the Blacksmith

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.
One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.
Now the other friars, being devout Christians, are very upset by this, and excommunicate the first friar for playing God.
Distraught, the first friar packs his bags and gets ready to hike down the mountain. Before he leaves, however, he manages to snag a few of the seeds of this favorite flowers, to remind him of the beautiful garden that he cared about so much.
When he arrives at the village at the foot of the mountain, he's welcomed with open arms. He manages to get a shack for himself where he can live somewhat comfortably.
He plants the seeds in a small planter which he hangs in the one tiny window in his shack, above his bed.
One day, as the friar is getting ready for bed, one of his neighbours stops by. "Those are the most beautiful flowers I've ever seen!" he exclaims. "Would you consider selling me a dozen, once they've bloomed?"
The friar hadn't considered that his florist skills could make him a living. Even though he was okay with his small shack, he would appreciate the extra income. He promises his neighbour that he will sell the flowers once they're ready.
After a few months, the friar has made enough money from selling his flowers that he can afford to move out of his shack, and into a nice cottage near the center of town.
After another few months, the friar's flower shop has developed such a following that all the other florists in town had closed their shops. They simply couldn't compete.
The other florists are incredibly upset by this. "Who does he think he is, coming down from that mountain and stealing our business!?" They all get together and decide to ask the friar to close his shop the next morning.
The next day, they go up to the friar's door and give it three swift knocks. The friar comes to the door right away. He invites them in for tea, and they reluctantly agree.
As they have their tea, the friar tells them his life's story. Growing up in the garden, his love for the flowers, and his eventual excommunication. The other florists are so enamoured with this tale that they leave without asking the friar to move out.
They meet again that night, promising that they'll go back the next day, and this time they WILL get the friar to leave.
Once again, they go up to his door and give three swift knocks. The friar opens the door almost immediately. He once again invites them in for tea.
This time, he tells them the greatest fairy tale that they've ever heard, and they once again leave without asking.
Realizing that they were too weak-willed to ask the friar to leave, they decided to ask the town elders to do it for them.
The next morning, the town elders accompany the florists down to the friar's house.
After three swift knocks, the prompt opening of the door, and a few rounds of tea, they once again leave empty-handed.
They meet again that night, truly enraged this time.
"We've tried diplomacy. Three times! We'll have to get this bastard of a friar to leave by force."
The next day, they go to the strongest man in town, Hugh, the blacksmith.
"Hugh, do you think you could get this friar to leave for us? He's causing us so much trouble!"
They walk down to the friar's shop together. Hugh gives the door three swift knocks, and it opens instantly.
With the reflexes of a cat, Hugh grabs the friar by his collar of his shirt, and carries him out of town while the friar yells profanities.
When Hugh returns to town, he's welcomed with thunderous applause.
"How could you do it, Hugh? He was always too charming for us to ask him to leave."
Hugh replies, "Only Hugh can stop florist friars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a14i1/hugh_the_blacksmith/
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She didn't wear a seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a13ux/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
I told my wife I wanted to try a new position.

She made me vice-president of dusting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a11o1/i_told_my_wife_i_wanted_to_try_a_new_position/
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When a frog parks illegaly,

They get toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a10pd/when_a_frog_parks_illegaly/
%
Donald Trump, a Russian spy and corrupt politician walk into a bar..

He quickly turns around and leaves, saying "What was i thinking?? I don't even drink alcohol!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a0uc2/donald_trump_a_russian_spy_and_corrupt_politician/
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I have a joke about cliff hangers...

But you're gonna have to wait for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a0m7m/i_have_a_joke_about_cliff_hangers/
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A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.
"Leave them alone, cabron, they're for the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a0ktz/a_mexican_lying_on_his_death_bed/
%
I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out.

She gave a slight glance towards me and She started walking faster, so I walked faster.
She started running, so I started running.
She started screaming, so I started screaming.
I was too scared to look behind and never did find out what we were running away from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a0jn7/i_was_walking_behind_a_woman_at_3_oclock_in_the/
%
What does the elevator in Ethiopia say

200 kg
Or 500 people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a0jd6/what_does_the_elevator_in_ethiopia_say/
%
Have you ever try to eat a clock?

Please, don't do it, it consumes a lot of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a0i4o/have_you_ever_try_to_eat_a_clock/
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Help! I can't take off my girlfriends bra

And she's home in 2 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a0gxs/help_i_cant_take_off_my_girlfriends_bra/
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A man is being tried for murder, but the body has not yet been found.

The jury is considering the death penalty. The man's defense lawyer comes on the podium and says he has a revelation to make.
"The victim is alive," the lawyer says, "I found him and he will enter this doorway right about now."
The court then turns their heads toward the door waiting for the victim to come in.
After a few moments, the lawyer says: "I lied, but please keep in mind that we can all reasonably assume that the victim may be alive. Please consider this when handing out the sentence." With that, the judge adjourns the court.
When the court goes back in session, the judge sentences the defendant to death.
The lawyer is incredulous. "How could it be?" he yells. "We all turned our heads toward the door believing the victim will enter"
"We did, but the defendant didn't" replies the judge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a0gdi/a_man_is_being_tried_for_murder_but_the_body_has/
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Nukes

What's the next Muslim country that will have nukes?
France

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a0bit/nukes/
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3 men are in a plane...

They get bored and decide to throw stuff out the hatch/door. First guy took an egg and tossed it. Watched, watched, and nothing happened. Second guy took a rock and threw it. Watched, watched, and nothing happened. Third guy took a grenade and tossed it. Watched, watched, and nothing happened.
As soon as they land, they see a girl crying because egg yolk was all over her hair.
Walked a little further and a boy was crying because a rock hit his head.
Walked a little further and they see smoke,  rubble, and an old lady laughing her ass off. The three men asked her what happened.
She says, " I just farted and my god-damn house blew up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a09jo/3_men_are_in_a_plane/
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What do you call a movie about a family haunted by a Turkey?

Poultrygeist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a07uo/what_do_you_call_a_movie_about_a_family_haunted/
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A dying man lie in bed with his wife beside him

As he lay, he turned and looked to his wife and said "My dear wife, I must make a confession"
"There is no need." She said
"No" the man replied. "I must tell you before I die."
"If you must." She said.
"I slept with not only you but your mother, your best friend, her best friend, our daughter, and many other women." He told her.
His wife, not angered by this, turned to him and said.
"I know. Now just rest and let the poison do its work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a075e/a_dying_man_lie_in_bed_with_his_wife_beside_him/
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How do you circumcise a whale?

Well, first, you need four skin-divers...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a05d9/how_do_you_circumcise_a_whale/
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I ate a rope

One day I was bored so I got a piece of rope and tied it together, then inserted it into my mouth. About an hour later I take a dump and it is still intact!
I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a02uy/i_ate_a_rope/
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A Prayer before Dinner

During a weekly dinner date between two neighbours, the 5 year old boy of the host was instructed to pray for the dinner.
5 Yr Old:"But dad I don't know how to pray.
Host:"Just pray for your friends,family,the neighbours and the poor.
5 Yr Old: Dear Jesus, thank you for the neighbours and their children who ate all my ice cream and candy,bless them enough so they don't have to come again.Please forgive the neighbours son for always taking off all my sisters clothes and wrestling with her when everyone but me is out shopping.Please send clothes for all the naked ladies on my dad's Iphone and please give houses to all the homeless men that come and visit mom when dad is at work.Amen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6a006g/a_prayer_before_dinner/
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This laxative I just bought is really effective.

It's really giving me a run for my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zyn6/this_laxative_i_just_bought_is_really_effective/
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[NSFW]Man comes home drunk as hell...

...his wife is on the door and starts yelling: "YOU'VE BEEN KISSING ANOTHER WOMAN!!!!!"
Guy just stares and says: "Nope"
Wife screeching on top of her lungs: "YES YOU HAVE BEEN WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, I CAN SEE HER LIPSTICK ALL OVER YOUR COLLAR!!!"
Guy says: "No I haven't kissed anybody, I just used my shirt to clean my dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zy8q/nsfwman_comes_home_drunk_as_hell/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his barstool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig.
"You know," interrupts the guy with glasses, "today is a rare and extraordinary day in terms of astronomy, geology, and physics."
"Huh?" says our guy, baffled.
The other guy continues, "No -- seriously. Hear me out. All of the planets in the solar system are in PERFECT alignment today. Absolutely perfect -- and THAT, my friend, means that for today and today only...gravity has reduced strength."
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," returns our guy as he takes another large gulp of his beer.
"I'll prove it," says the stranger. The stranger signals our guy to follow him over to the window. The stranger than unlatches the window and both men look out and down at the tremendous height. The stranger then jumps out the window. Much to our guy's shock, the stranger -- as if he were a feather -- gently floats down toward the ground.
Once he gingerly makes contact with the pavement, the stranger waves back up towards our disbelieving guy, reenters the building and rides the elevator back to the top floor. Upon seeing the stranger reenter the bar, our guy resolves to try this amazing feat for himself.
He jumps out the window and quickly falls to his immediate death.
The man with glasses returns to his barstool and orders a whiskey. The bartender shakes his head and mutters, "you can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zth7/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts

!"
The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."
The man sighed and said: "It's started."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zt3z/a_man_came_home_from_an_exhausting_day_at_work/
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A small town has a factory which produces coffee scented skin creme.

The trucks which transport the cream are causing so much traffic in the small town that the mayor holds a town hall meeting to find a solution. The residents eventually vote to move the cream by train.
So there was a local motion for mocha lotion locamotion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zqwy/a_small_town_has_a_factory_which_produces_coffee/
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What did adobe illustrator say to Windows 10?

Nothing (Adobe Illustrator has stopped responding)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zq9q/what_did_adobe_illustrator_say_to_windows_10/
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How do you make a Chinese person blind?

Put a windshield in front of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zq2g/how_do_you_make_a_chinese_person_blind/
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Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me.

Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!
Well, when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever..
Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Talk about bad timing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zpb0/ok_so_my_neighbours_officially_hate_me/
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The Perfect Landlord

“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob.
“Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.”
“So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated.
“Oh it’s really terrible”, said the man starting up again, “why just for the rent $3000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise they’ll be kicked out onto the streets.”
“How do you know so much about this situation?” asked the man as he reached for his check book.
“Well,” said the man breaking down once more “they are my tenants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zp64/the_perfect_landlord/
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What do you call a ilegal immigrant fighting a child molester?

Alien vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zk14/what_do_you_call_a_ilegal_immigrant_fighting_a/
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A man wanders into a forest and finds himself trapped in quicksand...

A man wanders into a forest and finds himself trapped in quicksand. About an hour passes and the man finds himself knee-deep in the quicksand and begins to panic. Along comes a cowboy on a horse. The man yells, "Help! I'm stuck in quicksand and I'm sinking, please get me out!" To which the cowboy replies, "Okay, I will help you out under one condition... You have to suck my dick." The man is awestruck and swiftly replies, "No! No way I'm sucking your dick! Get out of here, I don't need your help!" The cowboy goes on his way.
Another hour passes and the man finds himself waist-deep in the quicksand. He is increasingly nervous of what will happen if he doesn't find help soon. Along comes a hunter looking for some game. The man cries out, "Help! Help! I'm stuck in quicksand and I'm sinking very fast! Please! Help me out of here!" The hunter stops and replies, "Okay, I will help get you out under one condition... You have to let me fuck you in the ass." The man, awestruck once again, replies, "No! No fucking way! You are not fucking me in the ass! Get out of here!" The hunter goes on his way.
Another hour passes and the man is up to his neck in quicksand. He sees an explorer passing by him. In a frantic state the man yells out, "Please! Please! Help me! I'm stuck in quicksand and I'm sinking very quickly! I'm about to die! I'll do anything you want! Anything! I'll suck your dick! I'll let you fuck me in the ass! Please! Just help me get out of here!"
The explorer walks up to the man.
He takes a second to look at him and then replies, "Fucking faggot," and steps on the man's head, completely submerging him in the quicksand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zjt3/a_man_wanders_into_a_forest_and_finds_himself/
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What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner?

A cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zi34/what_do_you_give_a_cannibal_that_shows_up_late_to/
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Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me

It means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zf2g/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He was up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zdxj/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
We are writing you because you have violated certain copyright laws...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69zbmo/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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3 POWs were together in a British War Camp.

There sat 2 Germans and an Italian. The British tourtured the first German and after many hours of screaming, the broken down German finally talked. Ashamed, he went back to the camp and told the other 2 prisoners to stay strong. The British begin to torture the second German. He preserved through 3 days of pain and suffering, however he talks as well. Sent back to the camp, the Italian is taken to the torture chamber. After weeks, the British realize that the Italian will die if he is pushed any further. After being brought back to the camp, the Germans asked him how he did it. The Italian replies, "how could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69z7k0/3_pows_were_together_in_a_british_war_camp/
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When my wife and I got married,

we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have sex with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69z3i0/when_my_wife_and_i_got_married/
%
I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
$35,000 - $40,000
So I rang them and said, "The answer is -$5,000"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ywrg/ive_just_seen_an_advert_in_my_local_newspaper/
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And I said "One man's trash is another man's treasure"

Then I realized it was a shitty way to tell the truth to my adopted son...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ywfg/and_i_said_one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
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A man was watching TV at home

He said out loud "Run you idiot!"
His wife heard him and asked "Are you watching a horror film?"
He responded "Nah. Just our wedding tape."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69yp6z/a_man_was_watching_tv_at_home/
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What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69yoxr/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
Wife goes to the doctor complaining that her husband farts unbelievably in his sleep. It smells so bad that it has become unbearable sleeping in the same room.

She tells the doctor that her husband won't come to see a doctor because he doesn't believe he has a farting problem.
Doctor suggests some pills but the wife refuses saying that the husband won't take them. The doctor, confused as why then she is there, tells her jokingly, "why don't you then, when he goes to sleep, stick one end of the hose in his ass and the other put it out of the window."  To his surprise the woman takes it as a real suggestion, thanks the doctor and excited leaves.
That very night she did just as instructed and gets the best night sleep for a long time. She gets up before the husband removes the hose and husband doesn't know any better. She is so excited that she may have found a cure.
The second night she repeats the same thing. However she wakes up in the morning to find her husband white as chalk, eyes blue and breathing very heavy.
"Husband, what's the matter, are you ill?"
"I think I should have listened to you and gone to see a doctor about my farts." says the husband. "At night I farted so hard that I woke to find that I farted my gut right out of my ass. It took me the whole night to shove it all back in. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ynyy/wife_goes_to_the_doctor_complaining_that_her/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69yn9y/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
What time do prostitutes start work?

Ate a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ym57/what_time_do_prostitutes_start_work/
%
My wife accused me of cheating

I said you're starting to sound like my girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ylrs/my_wife_accused_me_of_cheating/
%
An electrician goes to a fortune teller.

When he arrives, the fortune teller says
"Look into this crystal ball and you will see how you die". When the electrician looks into the ball, he couldn't believe what he saw. He was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69yiy5/an_electrician_goes_to_a_fortune_teller/
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Crying Old Man

A man on a business trip finishes up his day and returns to his hotel late very and tired. Before going to bed, he decides to hit the hotel bar for a drink after a hard days work. He enters this popular hotel bar for traveling business men and sees quite a few other guys in the bar doing the same thing. However, he can't help to notice this old man crying.
He walks up and takes a seat next to the old man. He says to him "look old man I'm not sure why you're crying but my life is worse...my job works me 80 hour weeks, my kids hate me, and my ex-wife has taken everything! including 1/2 my income....what's so bad about your life?"
The old man replies "look son....I'm retired, my kids are self dependent / successful, and I have a hot young wife who cooks and sexes me every night"
He looks at the old man in confusion and disgust and says "how is that any worse than what I'm dealing with?"
The old man looks up and replies in tears  "I forgot where I live"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ybkm/crying_old_man/
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The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69y8iy/the_internet_is_so_full_of_people_making_up_fake/
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I asked my mum if I could lick the bowl when she was finished.

She replied "why can't you flush it like everyone else"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69y83o/i_asked_my_mum_if_i_could_lick_the_bowl_when_she/
%
My buddy was into medieval things, so I asked if he had ever been poked by a lance,

He said "no but I was once lightly caressed by a Stephen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69y71s/my_buddy_was_into_medieval_things_so_i_asked_if/
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A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before and were both married to other people found them selves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk, and she in the lower.
At 1 am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fuckin' blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69y3zh/a_short_love_story/
%
What do you call a jacket that's on fire?

A blazer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69y30x/what_do_you_call_a_jacket_thats_on_fire/
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Two kids at my school got caught trying autoerotic asphyxiation

One got suspended, the other got off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xxaw/two_kids_at_my_school_got_caught_trying/
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The rich guy and a beggar...

A rich guy gets off his limo and walks to a beggar.
"Hi, I'm John, and you are...?"
"I'm God!" replied the beggar.
"No, seriously, you can't be God! What's your real name!"
And they keep arguing until the rich guy says "Alright, if you prove me you're God, I'll give you a million bucks!"
"Fine" said the beggar and asked the rich guy to follow him into the most expensive restaurant in the area. The waitress looks at the beggar and says: "Oh my God! You're back again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xv79/the_rich_guy_and_a_beggar/
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The Professor and his driver

A big company Professor has been giving weekly scientific speeches at all kinds of conventions throughout the country for a number of years. Always accompanied by his personal driver James.
One day, on their way to a big congress, James looks into his bosses eyes through his rear view mirror and asks: "Sir, I have been hearing your speeches from the back of the halls for years now. I'm a bit ashamed to ask you this but....Do you maybe want to switch roles just for today? I'm sure I know the speech by heart now. I would like to feel like an important man too, even if it's just for today".
The Professor is both amused and flattered by this proposal and agrees.
Some time later they arrive at the convention. James quickly changes into a nice suit and makes his way on to the podium. The Professor puts on the drivers hat, and silently finds his way in the back of the hall, behind hundreds of science big-shots.
At first, everything is going fine. James does a real good job and without stuttering, he plays his role great.
Then, a man in the audience raises his hand and asks a question to which James doesn't know an answer.
James  immediately starts sweating. His face becomes red and he has to loosen his tie.
Then James says; "I'm sorry sir, but that's SUCH a stupid question...really. I mean come on, I bet even the man in the back over there, with the drivers hat on knows the answer to that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xteu/the_professor_and_his_driver/
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An Arab prince acquires a dairy farm

He's known far and wide as the Milk Sheikh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xscj/an_arab_prince_acquires_a_dairy_farm/
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I saw 2 guys wearing matching clothing and asked if they were gay

Turns out he was just my optometrist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xrg0/i_saw_2_guys_wearing_matching_clothing_and_asked/
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Apostrophes are like sex ed

If you're not sure, don't put it in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xl9d/apostrophes_are_like_sex_ed/
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I saw a black man running..

I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self "i wonder if that's mine", so I hurried back home and lo and behold it was still there, shining my shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xkxf/i_saw_a_black_man_running/
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I have a few jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xj59/i_have_a_few_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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Why robots are not good for health

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xiqp/why_robots_are_not_good_for_health/
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I've started blunting knives to help myself relax.

Really takes the edge off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xe1x/ive_started_blunting_knives_to_help_myself_relax/
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Do you know the difference between a day care and a strip club?

If you don't you're a sick mothafucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xc8d/do_you_know_the_difference_between_a_day_care_and/
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Always remember you're unique

Just like everyone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xbra/always_remember_youre_unique/
%
What did the nervous spider say to the audience?

"Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xbq2/what_did_the_nervous_spider_say_to_the_audience/
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I don't think i need a spine,

it's holding me back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xba3/i_dont_think_i_need_a_spine/
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Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.

Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?
Cancer. Mary has cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xb5l/joey_gives_mary_1_stuffed_animal_and_2_flowers/
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Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69xaag/which_country_has_the_fastest_growing_capitol/
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What do you call prostitutes that are out of breath?

Panty Hoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69x88p/what_do_you_call_prostitutes_that_are_out_of/
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I don't get why people have such a problem with wind power.

I think using it would be a breeze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69x7pu/i_dont_get_why_people_have_such_a_problem_with/
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The other night my wife got home and I was pulling of my boxers

She yelled "what the hell are you doing to our dogs!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69x766/the_other_night_my_wife_got_home_and_i_was/
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How many opticians does it take to change a light bulb?

Is it one or two?! One... or two?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69x6q9/how_many_opticians_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Music can really take you to another place

Like this bar I'm in plays nickleback, so I'm leaving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69x6fu/music_can_really_take_you_to_another_place/
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My neighbour asked if I had been stealing clothes off her washing line..

I nearly shit her pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69x4ok/my_neighbour_asked_if_i_had_been_stealing_clothes/
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Just as there is a balance of good and evil....

There's a Friday for every Monday.
Have a great week :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69x47a/just_as_there_is_a_balance_of_good_and_evil/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number...

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69x415/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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What's the difference between a cold nose and that weird white kid in your class?

One's a cool hooter, the other is a school shooter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69x3an/whats_the_difference_between_a_cold_nose_and_that/
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There was a man with a wooden leg called Steve.

I wonder what was his other leg was called.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69x29q/there_was_a_man_with_a_wooden_leg_called_steve/
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Why did the blind woman fall down the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69x262/why_did_the_blind_woman_fall_down_the_well/
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A Horse's Ass

Does the statement "We’ve always done it that way" ring any bells?
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did they use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story…
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass...and you thought being a HORSE’S ASS wasn’t important!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69wwh7/a_horses_ass/
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A naked lady ran into a taxi.

She told the driver where she was going. The man didn’t start the car but he was just staring at the girl over & over again.The lady saw him and said:"What’s ur problem man? Haven’t u seen a naked lady before?"The man replied: "l am not looking at ur nakedness, I was just wondering where you have kept the money you are going to pay me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ws7s/a_naked_lady_ran_into_a_taxi/
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What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You can't hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ws7o/whats_the_difference_between_a_hormone_and_an/
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Sarah and Fred are having a discussion...

They are talking about many different things of varying topics, until they arrive to the topic of sex.
"You men are so lucky," Sarah said, "I've always wondered what it's like to make love to a woman as man, what it feels like to have her smile at you when you compliment her, what it feels like to insert yourself into her and come inside, and then cuddle as you spoon her."
Fred nods in agreement and responds "As a guy, I wonder that too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69wr8f/sarah_and_fred_are_having_a_discussion/
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Why do tectonic plates keep rubbing each other up without any reason?

They have some dispute over whose fault it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69wqck/why_do_tectonic_plates_keep_rubbing_each_other_up/
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A man has an allergic reaction...

So he decides to go to the doctor to see what the problem is. The doctor runs some tests and tells the man
"I've got good news and bad news. Bad news is you're allergic to peas, but the good news is it is curable, and with monthly treatment your allergy should be gone in about 7 years."
"Great", the man replies "let's start treatment right away."
Seven years by and finally the man is cured of his allergy to peas. That night, him and his buddies all go to a really nice restaurant.
"What will you be having tonight, sir" the waiter asks the man.
He replies, "You know what, I haven't had a pea in 7 years."
The waiter runs away and yells "Hang on to the chandelier if you can't swim!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69wq40/a_man_has_an_allergic_reaction/
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Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?

Neither because they live in America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69wpo3/do_transformers_get_car_insurance_or_life/
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A dog goes into a bar

and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often...”
The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69wkrr/a_dog_goes_into_a_bar/
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A rabbi, an irishman, a travelling salesman, and a cowboy walk into a bar.

The bartender asks them "what is this, some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69wja9/a_rabbi_an_irishman_a_travelling_salesman_and_a/
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[Nsfw] This farmer stomps into his martial bedroom carrying a sheep...

...and exclaims "This is the pig I fuck when you give me attitude"
His wife looks at him curiously and says "I think you'll find that's a sheep"
He snaps back and says "I think you'll find that's who I was talking to"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69wj1k/nsfw_this_farmer_stomps_into_his_martial_bedroom/
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My wife makes love like a chess player.

Every twenty minutes, she moves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69wik8/my_wife_makes_love_like_a_chess_player/
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Jim and John

were best buddies since childhood. They went to the same school, their farms were next to each other, they even married twin sisters in the same day.
So one day Jim goes looking for John and finds him dancing naked in the barn. Of course, both are startled.
"Hey... uhm, what are you doing, bud?" Jim asks.
"Well, you know..." John started sheepishly "Me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69wi4y/jim_and_john/
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Elephant circumcising

I've got a friend who got a job circumcising elephants.
The pay sucks, but the tips are huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69wf3y/elephant_circumcising/
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Why don't Norse goddesses like anal sex?

Because they're Asgardians.
I'll just Loki walk away now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69we6b/why_dont_norse_goddesses_like_anal_sex/
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Why are the vegetarians silent during sex?

Because they are shocked by the pleasure they can get from a piece of meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69wcd0/why_are_the_vegetarians_silent_during_sex/
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Why did the woman with myopia fall down the well?

Because she couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69wbow/why_did_the_woman_with_myopia_fall_down_the_well/
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A woman walks into a pet store...

And eyes a beautiful parrot with a muzzle on its beak. She's curious about the muzzle and asks a clerk why the parrot was muzzled. The clerk tells her that the parrot once belonged to a very salty pirate and that it has the filthiest mouth he's ever heard.
She sees the possibility of a discount and manages to get the parrot at a huge bargain.
When she gets home, she takes off the parrot's muzzle and the parrot promptly started screaming obscenities at the woman.
She was shocked at the birds extensive rude vocabulary, but decides that if she waits long enough the parrot would behave.
After 3 hours of verbal assault, the woman becomes exasperated and throws the parrot in her large deep freezer.
She hears squawking and cursing for about 3 minutes when all of the sudden the parrot just stops.
Fearing that the parrot may be dead, she opens the freezer, and the parrot calmly climbs out, and apologizes, "I'm so sorry that I have offended you, I promise I won't swear again. Incidentally, what did the chicken do?"
*edited for clarity and spelling*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69wba7/a_woman_walks_into_a_pet_store/
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What should you do when you see your girl smoking?

Slow down, use lube and try again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69w7s4/what_should_you_do_when_you_see_your_girl_smoking/
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A guy with no arms walks into a church

and goes up to a priest. He says "Im here about the bell ringing job you have advertised?" The priest looks a little puzzled but says sure, lets go up the tower and you can give it a go. They get to the top and the priest says "okay show me how you do it?" The man takes a few steps back and runs headfirst into the bell and it chimes quietly. The priest says "im afraid thats not loud enough" So the man takes a few more steps back and tries again but this time its only a little louder. The man begs for one more go and he leans right back against the edge of the bell tower before running forward but this time he misses and goes flying over the edge to his death. A crowd gathers below and one onlooker says to another "Do you know this man?" The other replies "No, but his face rings a bell".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69w6hj/a_guy_with_no_arms_walks_into_a_church/
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A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

Looking for man with these qualifications:
- won't beat me up
- won't run away from
- is great in bed.
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69w46s/a_woman_posts_an_ad_in_the_news_paper_that_looks/
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Naughty boy draws a penis on a black board.

Lady teacher rubs it off.
Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: "REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69w3gp/naughty_boy_draws_a_penis_on_a_black_board/
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times...

...so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE dick. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69w385/harry_and_his_wife_are_having_hard_financial_times/
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Why wasn't the Toilet Paper able to cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69w2j1/why_wasnt_the_toilet_paper_able_to_cross_the_road/
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What's a Freudian slip?

It's when you say one thing, but meant your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69w1xa/whats_a_freudian_slip/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because seven had some very serious criminal convictions and had only just gotten out of a mental institution. He always joked about just eating any number that was bigger than him, but the laughs kind of fizzled away and it became more serious, almost as if he was hungry.... Six could just feel it. The worst part was that Eight and Nine were completely oblivious. They had no idea what was coming next. He had worked them into a state of ease, ensuring them that no matter what, he will always be right there beside them, as the only multiple of 49. God rest their souls :,(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69w1w1/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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What's the difference between a fake sex addict and someone who uses fake names to get free noodles?

One's a pseudo-nymphomaniac, the other's a pseudonym-pho-maniac!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69vymr/whats_the_difference_between_a_fake_sex_addict/
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There was once a woman who had 100 children.

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving.
One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone.
To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69vyip/there_was_once_a_woman_who_had_100_children/
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Why did an immigrant marry trump ?

Because immigrants do the jobs that no American wants to do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69vy33/why_did_an_immigrant_marry_trump/
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How do you catch an elephant?

You dig a pit, fill it with ash, and surround it with peas. When the elephant comes to take a pea, you sneak up behind him and kick him in the ash hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69vwfw/how_do_you_catch_an_elephant/
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Joe is driving with a beautiful woman...

He takes her through the countryside, and as they drive they pass by dozens of farms and pastures, all neatly fenced around their perimeters.
"You see all those fences?"
Joe gestures toward the fields...
"I put all those up, and don't they look great? But nobody calls me Joe the fence-builder."
As they circle back around toward town, they start passing by the nicer houses on the outskirts. Big, beautifully built homes.
"You see all those houses?"
Joe points.
"I built all those houses. But nobody calls me Joe the homebuilder."
As they drive through town, they pass several grand churches, with tall steeples and big, arched doorways.
"You see those churches? I built those, too. But nobody calls me Joe the church-builder."
He hangs his head and sighs.
"But you fuck *one* goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69vsza/joe_is_driving_with_a_beautiful_woman/
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My mom yelled at me for telling a black joke.

I guess it was too dark for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69vnir/my_mom_yelled_at_me_for_telling_a_black_joke/
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Dentist: Okay, hold on tight now. This is gonna sting a little bit!

Patient : Okay..
Dentist : I've been fucking your wife for 3 months now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69vjf3/dentist_okay_hold_on_tight_now_this_is_gonna/
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Forgetful actor

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
One day he finds a theater where they are willing to give him a chance
to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practicing
his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage and, with great passion, delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming: "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You've ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69vjdp/forgetful_actor/
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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.  However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.  When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
'I had no Monet ...
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.'
I didn't have De Gaulle to ask my buddy for gas, so I robbed the Louvre figuring I had nothing Toulouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69vd30/a_thief_in_paris_planned_to_steal_some_paintings/
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What do you call an exploding ape?

A baboom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69vbsw/what_do_you_call_an_exploding_ape/
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What is the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69vaai/what_is_the_difference_between_an_oral/
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How does a spanish condiment identify itself?

Soy sauce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69v7m0/how_does_a_spanish_condiment_identify_itself/
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No fuck no ride

So this lonely trucker is on a long haul with his parrot when he comes across a sexy hitchhiker so he pulls over and says to the girl hey how ya doing? Need a ride?  She smiles and says yes to which he asks wanna fuck? She replies hell no so he tells her no fuck no ride. The parrot goes off screeching "no fuck no ride, no fuck no ride"  the trucker pulls away and a few miles down the road sees another hitchhiker so he stops and asks need a ride. The girl says yes and the parrot yells out no fuck no ride no fuck no ride and the girl steps away from the door and says fuck off. The trucker grabs the parrot and said don't you do that again or I'm gonna throw your ass in the back with them chickens we is haulin.  5 miles later he sees another young cute hitchhiker and pulls over as she comes to the door the parrot yells out no fuck no ride no fuck no ride and the young girl runs away from the truck in fright.  Well the trucker is pissed now and throws the parrot in the back.  About 20 min later the trucker looks back and sees a cop with his lights on pulling him over.  He pulls over and hides his meth as the cop comes up he rolls down his window nervous saying I'm sorry officer was I speeding? Was I swerving?  Did I do something wrong? The cop says no nothing like that but you got a parrot in back throwing out chickens saying no fuck no ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69v7k1/no_fuck_no_ride/
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Why did the banker quit his job?

Because he lost Interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69v6hf/why_did_the_banker_quit_his_job/
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A wife's birthday was the next

day and she said to her husband, "Honey, for my birthday I want something that goes from 0-230 in 6 seconds to be in our driveway."
"I'll see what I can do" replied the husband suggestively.
The next morning she ran outside and found a scale in the driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69v586/a_wifes_birthday_was_the_next/
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A woman walks into a pet store....

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69v512/a_woman_walks_into_a_pet_store/
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Wash the Dishes

This guy bought a motorcycle from a friend of his.  As he was handing over his money the friend gave him a small tube of Vaseline and told him to rub it on the rims when it rained to avoid water stains.  He quickly stowed the tube and drove off to meet his girlfriend who was going to introduce him to her parents over dinner.
She was surprised by the bike but got on the back.  Before they pulled up to the house she told him, "Something you got to know.  Dinner is quiet.  The first person who talks has to do the dishes."  The guy thought that was odd but nothing more than that.  Until he walked into the house.  Every flat surface was covered in dishes, even the floor had a stack here and there.  The kitchen sink was piled two feet high with dishes.
He met her father and mother and they sat down to dinner.  There wasn't a sound except fork on plate.  The guy wanted to see how far the silence could go.  He stood up, grasped his girlfriend and fucked her there at the table, in front of her parents.  Her father's face reddened, but he didn't say a word.  Once finished they sat back down and continued with dinner.
A little later the guy, wanting to take it one step up, did the same thing to his girlfriend's mother, who looked absolutely pleased with the outcome.  Her father fumed but put the next bite of salad into his mouth.  They sit back down and continue with their quiet meal.
Then he heard a boom of thunder.
The guy quickly gets up reaches into his coat and pulls out the tube of Vaseline and his girlfriend's father jumps up.  "All right, I'll do the fucking dishes!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69v4yh/wash_the_dishes/
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What do you call a failed vampire assassination?

A missed stake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69v4qf/what_do_you_call_a_failed_vampire_assassination/
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"Son, I found a condom in your room"

“Gee thanks, Grandpa!”
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”
“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69v2z5/son_i_found_a_condom_in_your_room/
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69v0fg/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_are_seated_next_to_each/
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What do a prisoner and a sinking ship have in common?

They both need bailing out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69uzjr/what_do_a_prisoner_and_a_sinking_ship_have_in/
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A Man is at A Bar on the Eve of His Anniversary

He's with his friends, and they're drinking and having a good time when one of the bartenders hops up on a table and announces a toasting contest, with the prize being a free round of drinks. People start getting up and toasting to love, food, booze, good health, the works. Finally, the man, Chris, stands up and announces that his anniversary is tomorrow, and proceeds to give a beautiful speech about his wife- specifically, about fucking his wife. It's lewd, but everybody has a good laugh about it, and as it happens, he wins! He gets a free round of drinks, and after a while he and his pals all head home. He's pretty wasted, but manages to murmur out "Honey... I won a toasting contest..." his wife asks what he toasted to, and, embarrassed, he lies: "Uhh... church?" and the wife, a believer, is satisfied with that answer. They go to sleep. The next morning he's pretty hungover, so his wife decides to get some grocery shopping done before their little date then evening. At the store, she sees one of her husband's friends from the night before. He saunters up to her, and he says "Hey, Eileen! Did Chris tell you about his toast last night? It was great, damn, we all lost it laughing!" to which the wife, Eileen, replies "Yeah, but I was a little confused. You see, he's only done it once, and I had to tug on both his ears to get him to come!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69uzig/a_man_is_at_a_bar_on_the_eve_of_his_anniversary/
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There are certain lines you don't cross.

One morning a few days ago, my wife and I were sitting at our kitchen table, enjoying a bit of verbal sparring while we ate. During one particular exchange I made the comment that if she kept up with her smart mouth, I was going to give her a "Rick James Special". She looked at me quizzically, pausing in the process of adding syrup to her pancakes, and asked me what a "Rick James Special" was. So I explained:
"A Rick James Special is where I throw you face down over this table, hike up your robe, rip off your panties, dry fuck you in the ass, blow a nut on your face, wipe my dick off on the curtains, and go on about my day."
I leaned back, sipping on my coffee, to emphasize my position of superiority. She had a strange look on her face, almost a mixture of anger and confusion that told me that I may have crossed a line.
She sat down the syrup bottle, stood up, and slowly walked around to my side of the table. Placing both hands on my shoulders, she leaned down almost nose to nose to deliver her retort.
"If you ever wipe *anything* off on my curtains, *I will fucking end you*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69uxfi/there_are_certain_lines_you_dont_cross/
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So a guy walks into a Ferrari dealership.

A salesman comes up to him and asks, "Sir, are you thinking about buying a Ferrari?"
The man says "No, I am definitely buying a Ferrari. What I'm thinking about is pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69utjv/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_ferrari_dealership/
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What does a ISIS amusement park have as a safety mechanism?

Allahu lap-bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69urtz/what_does_a_isis_amusement_park_have_as_a_safety/
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A ventriloquist does a comedy show at a bar and makes a lot of jokes about blondes. A blonde lady stands up all feminazi and goes on a tirade.

"Blonde jokes are dehumanizing and offensive not only to blond people but to females like me. You are one of the reasons why we can't move up the corporate ladder and people look at us like we're dumb!
"It is unfair that you should brand blonds as intellectually incapable and dumb because we are very far from it.
"I just got my Master's degree and I still see jokes about blonds like this! This is sick! It is not funny!"
The ventriloquist starts apologizing but the blonde feminazi shuts him up. She says,
"Sir, do not make excuses for that man sitting on your lap. I was talking to him, not you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ursk/a_ventriloquist_does_a_comedy_show_at_a_bar_and/
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[NSFW] Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks.

..The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69upwa/nsfw_wife_i_dreamt_they_were_auctioning_off_dicks/
%
A Muslim walks into abar

"Excuse me", said Abar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ului/a_muslim_walks_into_abar/
%
Why are most hurricanes named after women?

Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69uim4/why_are_most_hurricanes_named_after_women/
%
A blind man was taking a stroll

And on his walk he passed by a fish market. As we he was walking by, he took a deep breath and said "Well hello, ladies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69uim1/a_blind_man_was_taking_a_stroll/
%
Karl Marx College is a total scam

there aren't even any classes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69uhlt/karl_marx_college_is_a_total_scam/
%
I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

but when i got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69uh4n/i_never_wanted_to_believe_my_dad_was_stealing/
%
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office

You will pay. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ugo7/to_the_person_who_stole_my_microsoft_office/
%
Investigation finds rise in complaints regarding worker incompetence at Quiznos locations

> "Whoops, wrong sub"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69uglk/investigation_finds_rise_in_complaints_regarding/
%
A man is walking through a cemetery

when he sees a headstone that reads, "Here lies John, an honest man and a lawyer."
"How about that," he thinks. "Three men buried in one grave!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ugk6/a_man_is_walking_through_a_cemetery/
%
The Biker

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, and leans over. Then he looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says,
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says,
"I got it on with your grandma, and she is good. The best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says...
"Grandpa. GO HOME."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69u7u2/the_biker/
%
Le Pen honored an age old French tradition.

Losing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69u6xj/le_pen_honored_an_age_old_french_tradition/
%
A sink is standing outside your front door.

Let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69u3iw/a_sink_is_standing_outside_your_front_door/
%
I'd post a joke about chemistry..

But I doubt it will get a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69u3di/id_post_a_joke_about_chemistry/
%
What armor is best for sneaking around?

Leather, since it's made of hide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69u2um/what_armor_is_best_for_sneaking_around/
%
I asked my friend how his new couch was going, he said

sofa, so good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69u0zq/i_asked_my_friend_how_his_new_couch_was_going_he/
%
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are just weak days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69tzmm/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
%
At a funeral...

Visitor: what's the wifi password here?
Priest: please respect the dead.
Visitor: all lower case?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69tyv3/at_a_funeral/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69tx9i/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69tvyt/after_a_talking_sheepdog_gets_all_the_sheep_in/
%
So it was in fact Le Sword

That is mightier than Le Pen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69tumz/so_it_was_in_fact_le_sword/
%
How do you have sex with a group of camels?

One hump at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69to3s/how_do_you_have_sex_with_a_group_of_camels/
%
Cold water

A man went to stay with his best friend for a weekend. The first night his friend cooked him hamburgers and as the man was eating them he noticed some stains on the plate.
"Hey, I don't want to be rude or anything, but is this plate clean?"
"Clean as cold water will get it." His friend said lightly.
The man didn't think anything else of it. The next night they had hot dogs, and the plate he was served his meal on had food dried hard on it. The man once again asked his friend, "This plate is clean, right?"
"Clean as cold water will get it." The friend said again.
The next morning the man ate cereal out of a bowl and the bowl felt greasy and weird. The man couldn't bring himself to keep eating. He set the bowl in the sink and went over to his friend. "Are all your bowls clean?"
"Clean as cold water can get them!" The friend said.
That evening the man was getting ready to leave, and as he was saying good bye to his friend, his friend's dog rushed in and started jumping up onto the man.
His friend grabbed the dog by the collar and said, "Get down, Cold Water!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69tn61/cold_water/
%
What did the koalas say to the zookeeper after he cut their claws?

"Eucalyptus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69tl8l/what_did_the_koalas_say_to_the_zookeeper_after_he/
%
New dog crossbreeds announced.

Collie + Lhasa Apso - Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Pointer + Setter - Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet.
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso - Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel - Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air.
Terrier + Bulldog - Terribull, not a good dog.
Bloodhound + Labrador - Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute + Pointer - Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collie + Malamute - Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound + Terrier - Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Bull Terrier + Shitzu - You figure this one out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69tid1/new_dog_crossbreeds_announced/
%
How do you make a dog drink?

Put it in a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69td3o/how_do_you_make_a_dog_drink/
%
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?

Its not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69t6zj/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nudist_beach/
%
Apparently, ozone released into the anus is a form of "ozone therapy" and has health benefits.

It sounds to me that these people are just blowing smoke up their ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69t6kv/apparently_ozone_released_into_the_anus_is_a_form/
%
A man orders a drink..

**(Not sure if this has been posted here before. Had read it long before as a kid.)**
A man orders a drink but has to use the loo. To ensure nobody drinks his booze he places a note underneath the glass which reads "I spat in the drink".. He returns from the loo finding an another note for him.. "Me too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69t615/a_man_orders_a_drink/
%
Why didn't the night owl go to the funeral?

He wasn't a mourning person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69t588/why_didnt_the_night_owl_go_to_the_funeral/
%
Donald Trump, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a kid on an airplane...

Donald Trump, Bill Gates, the Pope and a schoolboy are on a crashing airplane. There are only 3 parachutes.
"Well," says Bill Gates, "I am the most important businessman in the world and I need to continue running my company." He takes the first parachute and jumps out.
"Well," says Trump, "I am America's smartest president, and my people need me." He takes the second parachute and jumps out.
The Pope takes the third parachute and hands it to the child.
"Take this", the Pope says, "I am old and I will pass on soon anyways. This world needs you more than it needs me."
"That's okay, Your Holiness, we can BOTH have a parachute," says the schoolboy.
"But how is that possible," asks the Pope, flabbergasted.
"Because," says the schoolboy, "America's smartest president took my bookbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69t2up/donald_trump_bill_gates_the_pope_and_a_kid_on_an/
%
No matter how kind you are...

German children will always be Kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69t1rk/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
A bank robber just finished his heist

Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.
"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.
"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling next to his wife.
"And you? Did you see my face"
"No, sir. But my wife did"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69t133/a_bank_robber_just_finished_his_heist/
%
Yodas Logic

Han Solo: Yoda are we going the right way?
Yoda: Offcourse we are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69t0ye/yodas_logic/
%
[Long] Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.

When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered.
"Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now."
"I can't believe that,"
Charlie said.
"Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me,
pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that.
He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke
and muttered:
"Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife,
but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69t0at/long_charlie_was_visiting_an_old_friend_and_his/
%
Now that Macron has won in France and Merkel heads Germany...

they shall be known by their celebrity couple name: Mackerel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69svoe/now_that_macron_has_won_in_france_and_merkel/
%
What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit the frog's fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69sv7l/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
%
I bought purple Jell-O mix and now I feel like a superhero.

With grape powder comes great responsibility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69sv26/i_bought_purple_jello_mix_and_now_i_feel_like_a/
%
Why can you never find a botanist in the woods?

Because you can't see the florist for the trees!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69smzs/why_can_you_never_find_a_botanist_in_the_woods/
%
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

Tennish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69smms/what_time_does_sean_connery_get_to_wimbledon/
%
Where do ducks farts come from?

Their buttquacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69sgj7/where_do_ducks_farts_come_from/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69sgd3/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
What do you call Samsung store security?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69scfx/what_do_you_call_samsung_store_security/
%
What's the opposite of a microwave?

A tsunami.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69sbsc/whats_the_opposite_of_a_microwave/
%
Bob forgot his 20th wedding anniversary...

...And his wife was really pissed off. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I better find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob was never seen again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69sbpv/bob_forgot_his_20th_wedding_anniversary/
%
My cousin thinks it's illegal to have sex with someone who digs for coal.

She says it's against the law to be with a miner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69sbah/my_cousin_thinks_its_illegal_to_have_sex_with/
%
An elderly lady dials 911.

"Help! Someone's stolen everything in my car," the lady says. "My radio, my windshield, my GPS, even my steering wheel!"
Shortly after, an officer walks up to the car and talks to his radio. "Disregard that last call," the officer said. "She just got in the back seat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69s923/an_elderly_lady_dials_911/
%
Hey, Magic 8-Ball. Why can't I check my work email?

"Outlook not so good."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69s80t/hey_magic_8ball_why_cant_i_check_my_work_email/
%
Get together

Son: Dad there's a small get together at school tomorrow !!!
Father: small get together.? ..how small
Son: only me...you...and principal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69s70e/get_together/
%
A man drunkenly walks into his wife's room...

He loudly proclaims, "I have no idea how I could live without you!"
Flustered, the wife asks, "Is that you talking or the whiskey talking?"
"It's me talking to the whiskey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69s3hw/a_man_drunkenly_walks_into_his_wifes_room/
%
I told my wife she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69s3d1/i_told_my_wife_she_would_look_sexier_with_her/
%
When I was in high school, I had a girl in the back seat of my car...

She confided in me, "I think you're really hot, but I've never hooked up with anyone before, and I don't know what to do."
I replied, "Me either, but don't worry.  We'll finger it out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69s29g/when_i_was_in_high_school_i_had_a_girl_in_the/
%
I have some jokes about unemployment.

But they need some work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ryeu/i_have_some_jokes_about_unemployment/
%
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69rxsq/reporter_excuse_me_may_i_interview_you/
%
Q: What is the snake's favorite subject?

A: Hiss-story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69rv4x/q_what_is_the_snakes_favorite_subject/
%
A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ruxn/a_mathematician_couldnt_remember_if_he_had_been/
%
2 blondes are talking with each other about their previous nights

The first blonde says "It was amazing! I slept with a Brazilian guy!"
The other blonde replies "OMG! How many is a Brazilian?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69rqwb/2_blondes_are_talking_with_each_other_about_their/
%
Yesterday I was walking past the state prison

and saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down from the concrete wall, screaming insults at the guards.
I thought, "Well, thats a little condescending little con descending"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69rqmt/yesterday_i_was_walking_past_the_state_prison/
%
A man runs into an old salty sea captain on the docks of Boston harbor and says,

"Cap'm, can't help but noticin'...you got a steerin' wheel secures to yer crotch there." Sea captain removes the pipe from 'tween his teeth and says, "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69rqhx/a_man_runs_into_an_old_salty_sea_captain_on_the/
%
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69rpfa/i_can_cut_down_a_tree_just_by_looking_at_it/
%
Woman: Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day. What can i give him?

Doctor: My number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69roim/woman_doctor_my_husband_wants_intense_sex_all_day/
%
A dry salad is an issue

That definitely needs a dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69rnbt/a_dry_salad_is_an_issue/
%
I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist.

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69rmv8/i_dont_understand_why_everyone_thinks_the_kkk_are/
%
A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Dave, is that you?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69rmj4/a_college_professor_started_to_notice_that_one_of/
%
Why shouldn't you get too many degrees?

You'll become obtuse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69rl64/why_shouldnt_you_get_too_many_degrees/
%
A crusty old man walks into a synagogue

and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this fucking congregation."
The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir.
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'
'Listen up, goddam it. I said I want to join this fucking congregation'
'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated here.'
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the rabbi's study to inform him of her situation.
The rabbi agrees that the secretary doesn't have to listen to such profanity.
They both return to her office and the rabbi asks the old man, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?'
'There is no fucking problem,' the man says.
'I just won $200 million in the god damn lottery and I want to join this fucking synagogue to get rid of some of this fucking money.'
'I see,' said the rabbi. 'And this fucking bitch is giving you a hard time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69rl3f/a_crusty_old_man_walks_into_a_synagogue/
%
Who needs a girlfriend...

...when you have the Reddit servers to keep going down on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69rfhy/who_needs_a_girlfriend/
%
What system does Satan use to weigh packages?

Penta-grams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69renz/what_system_does_satan_use_to_weigh_packages/
%
I've decided to freeze myself down to -273.15 degrees Celsius.

My friends all think I'm crazy, but I'll be 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69re5r/ive_decided_to_freeze_myself_down_to_27315/
%
My boss walked straight up to my desk as I was watching porn today and said..

"Do you think I pay people to do that?"
"Probably," I replied, "You're not exactly the best looking bloke in the world."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69re36/my_boss_walked_straight_up_to_my_desk_as_i_was/
%
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

“Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69rb6e/a_woman_noticed_her_husband_standing_on_the/
%
Dark Humour is like a child with cancer

They aren't needed in an ideal society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69rb4f/dark_humour_is_like_a_child_with_cancer/
%
They say I have an inflated Ego.

I don’t know what they mean. Got an inflatable castle for my kids,
and I guess they're just envious that I'm such a great father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69r97a/they_say_i_have_an_inflated_ego/
%
People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them

"By mistake?"
"Oh come on.. Not you as well"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69r96k/people_keep_accidentally_asking_me_to_purchase/
%
JUNE (to Yoda): Do you think April will march in the parade?

YODA: March April may, June.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69r602/june_to_yoda_do_you_think_april_will_march_in_the/
%
A wealthy man met a beggar on the street.

The beggar pleaded to the wealthy man to give him a dollar to buy something to eat.
"You poor fellow," said the wealthy man. "Come with me and I'll buy you a drink."
"Actually, I don't drink. But I would like something to eat."
"Here, my friend. Take one of my Cuban cigars," the wealthy man urged.
"Sorry, sir," said the bum. "I don't smoke."
"Very well, then come with me to Atlantic City! I'll stake you in the casino and perhaps you'll win enough to get your life back on track."
"I don't gamble either, sir. But I would still very much like a bite to eat."
"You want to eat?", asked the wealthy man. "Alright, come home with me and have dinner with my family."
"That's very kind of you, sir. Thank you!"
"Not at all," replied the wealthy man. "I just want my wife to see what happens to a man that doesn't drink, smoke, or gamble."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69r338/a_wealthy_man_met_a_beggar_on_the_street/
%
I hate when parents say their kids age in months

It's annoyed me for about 36 months now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69r31i/i_hate_when_parents_say_their_kids_age_in_months/
%
My boyfriend looked so excited when I told him I was going to get him an escort for his birthday!

I couldn't understand why he looked so disappointed when I handed him the keys to his new Ford

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69r2rh/my_boyfriend_looked_so_excited_when_i_told_him_i/
%
An old man is sitting on his front porch...

When little Johnny comes walking by carrying some duct tape. "Whatcha got there Johnny?" Asks the old man. "Duct tape. I'm going to catch some ducks " the old man answers "you can't catch ducks with duct tape". Little Johnny shrugs and keeps walking. That afternoon he returns with 2 arm loads of ducks. The old man is amazed.
The next day, little Johnny comes by carrying some chicken wire. "Whatcha got there Johnny?" Johnny replies "chicken wire. I'm going to catch some chickens." The man says "Johnny, you can't catch chickens with just chicken wire!" Little Johnny shrugs and walks on. That afternoon, here comes Johnny with all the chickens he can carry.
The next day, little Johnny comes back down the road. "Whatcha got there Johnny?" To which Johnny replies "Just some pussywillow."
The old man jumps up and yells "Hang on, I'll get my coat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69r0l6/an_old_man_is_sitting_on_his_front_porch/
%
In Russia they don't use a 'royal we'...

Instead, they use a Bourgeois-we

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qzjt/in_russia_they_dont_use_a_royal_we/
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An Asian, an African and an Australian are on a plane

. All 3 of them have overweight luggage, so the pilot comes to check. The pilot checks the Asian's luggage and sees he has too many rice bags. The pilot then says to chuck it off the plane. The Asian replies " sure, I've got plenty of those in my country". The pilot then sees the African's luggage and finds he has too much chicken. The pilot asks him to chuck it off of the plane. The African also replies with "sure I've got plenty of those in my country". The Australian then walks up and chucks the Asian off the plane. The pilot then asks why. The Australian replies with "I've got plenty of those in my country".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qymo/an_asian_an_african_and_an_australian_are_on_a/
%
I come from a long line of alcoholics.

My gene pool has a swim up bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qwwr/i_come_from_a_long_line_of_alcoholics/
%
Exit signs...

...are on the way out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69quzw/exit_signs/
%
Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qu94/two_days_into_my_diet_i_removed_all_the_junk_food/
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My friend is panicking because he is missing a puzzle piece for his 10,000 piece puzzle

if he thinks that bad, I'm missing 9,999 pieces

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qtyh/my_friend_is_panicking_because_he_is_missing_a/
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A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech

The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader.   But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze.
Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speech.  "Which one of you sneezed?" said Stalin, obviously perturbed.   But everyone is the audience was too paralyzed with fear to say anything.
So Stalin said, "Very well.  First row stand up!",  and on that command the whole first row stood at attention.  Then Stalin ordered "Guards! Open fire!"  And with that, the guards shot everyone in the entire first row.
"Now," said Stalin once again, "who sneezed?"   Again, everyone was too afraid to say anything.  Again he ordered, "Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!"  And now the second row was shot, falling into a great bloody heap.
"Now, who sneezed?  Third row...."
"Wait! Wait!" , cried a man in the back of the hall. The man hurried forward.  "Comrade Stalin! It was I! I'm the one who sneezed!"
Stalin glared at the man, "It was you who sneezed?"  The man looked down ashamedly, "Yes, Comrade Stalin."
Stalin gave the man a nod and a little smile, "Bless you, Comrade!"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qrft/a_man_sneezed_during_joseph_stalins_speech/
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I just had to pay £1 at the garage to pump up my tires.

That's inflation for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qpva/i_just_had_to_pay_1_at_the_garage_to_pump_up_my/
%
A man sitting in a bar suddenly shouted

“All lawyers are assholes!”
Another man jumped off his stool. “Those are fighting words!”
“Oh, so you’re a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qor0/a_man_sitting_in_a_bar_suddenly_shouted/
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Premarital sex

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qoo5/premarital_sex/
%
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.

He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qofy/a_guys_talking_to_a_girl_in_a_bar/
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My wife’s fantasy is to be with another man and mine is to have two girls at the same time…

She must have misunderstood, because now, we have twin daughters from the mailman…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qofr/my_wifes_fantasy_is_to_be_with_another_man_and/
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What do Vegans and Pro-Lifers have in common? [NSFW]

They both hate scrambled eggs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ql50/what_do_vegans_and_prolifers_have_in_common_nsfw/
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John, Simon and Bill are having their lunch on a construction site...

John opens up his sandwiches and says: "ham and cheese, I hate ham and cheese. Don't know why the wife keeps making them".
Simon opens his:
"Tuna mayo. I hate tuna. Why doesn't my wife ever listen!? "
Bill has peanut butter and jelly:
" Disgusting. I'll need to tell my wife to get her act together. "
The next day at lunch all three men have the same sandwiches. John says:
" That's it. If I get the same shit tomorrow I'm jumping off the top of the construction site."
The other two men agree and they make a pact.
The third day comes and sure they all have the same lunches. All three men climb to the top of the site, jump off and die.
At the funeral all wives get together. The Johns wife breaks down:
"I should never have made him ham and cheese. I know he hates it. This is my fault"
The Simon's widow agrees:
"I know how you feel. I did the same. I just never thought it would come to this."
Bill's widow stands baffled:
"I don't know why Bill jumped. He makes his own fucking sandwiches! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qj0m/john_simon_and_bill_are_having_their_lunch_on_a/
%
Job Interview

I: "What's your greatest weakness?"
A : "Honesty."
I : "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
A: "I don't give a fuck what you think"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qhce/job_interview/
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Fortune cookie: "Every exit can be an entry"

Long story short:
My girlfriens said no...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qf7y/fortune_cookie_every_exit_can_be_an_entry/
%
Why do vampires like virgins?

Because they don't like when people fuck with their food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69qbuv/why_do_vampires_like_virgins/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest can actually accomplish something on being triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69q3gg/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69q3f9/so_joe_had_these_headaches/
%
Well, i tried to tell a chemistry joke at school the other day!

No reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69q161/well_i_tried_to_tell_a_chemistry_joke_at_school/
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I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician.

Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69q02c/i_have_a_polish_friend_whos_a_sound_technician/
%
How did Jesus get his abs?

He does cross fit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69pw0v/how_did_jesus_get_his_abs/
%
Ordering a Cake

On wife's birthday , man ordered a cake on  the phone.
Salesman: What message  to put on the cake?
Man: Write "Getting older but You are  getting better."
Salesman: How you want that to be written?
Man: Well.. put "You are getting older" at the top and "but You are getting better" at the bottom.
When the cake was opened all guests died laughing at the  message
It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom!"
Moral:- Don't order cakes over phone..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69prgm/ordering_a_cake/
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The Make-A-Wish foundation and a child

*Offensive*
A cheerful child is diagnosed with a fatal cancer and doesn't have long to live even with modern treatment, making the child extremely melancholy. As such, the Make-A-Wish foundation approaches the child and his family to provide a single wish. When asked what the child wants, he says that he just wants to laugh in such a dreadful time, which the family and foundation unanimously agree would be nice in a time like this and are fully willing to provide.
The attempts to make the child laugh starts with a doctor who impersonates Patch Adams in a kind and giggle inducing way, but the child remains in his state of melancholy.
The second attempt consists of a magic show that dazzles as much as it confuses, and is bound to make any child chuckle at least a bit. This fails as well, and the child remains blue.
In a final attempt, the foundation invites a comedian known for being both hilarious and quite profane. After giving a private stand up session to the forlorn child, the comedian comes out of the hospital room, revealing a glowing and cheerful boy. The parents and staff alike are in amazement, and for good reason.
After a brief moment of joy from seeing this child become so happy, the mother asks the comedian, "How'd you do it?" To which the comedian replied, "See, dark humor is like a Make-A-Wish foundation kid; it never gets old!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69pqiq/the_makeawish_foundation_and_a_child/
%
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers’ license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69pqch/a_retired_gentleman_went_into_the_social_security/
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Parking slots are just like women

You can slip into the disabled ones when nobody's looking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69pmcj/parking_slots_are_just_like_women/
%
Why were the Indians the first ones in the America's?

Because they had reservation​s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69pm7h/why_were_the_indians_the_first_ones_in_the/
%
Why are scarecrows so special?

They are outstanding in their field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69pkbo/why_are_scarecrows_so_special/
%
My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay

But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69pijj/my_girlfriend_wanted_to_try_doctor_and_patient/
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How can you tell an auto mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69phve/how_can_you_tell_an_auto_mechanic_just_had_sex/
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Whats the difference between a cow and redditors on r/jokes?

Amy Schumer waits more than a few hours to steal jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69phu3/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_redditors/
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A delicate corporate matter

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one at a time until only Bob, the most junior member was left sitting outside.
Finally it was Bob's turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the Chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down the Chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?"
"Oh, no Sir, positively not!" Bob replied.
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the Chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"
"You'd swear to that?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere."
"Good, then you fire her!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ph4g/a_delicate_corporate_matter/
%
I asked a Kiwi how many sexual partners he had had.

He started counting, but then he fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ph2k/i_asked_a_kiwi_how_many_sexual_partners_he_had_had/
%
What do you call a fantastic Japanese teacher?

Sensei-tional

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69pgzo/what_do_you_call_a_fantastic_japanese_teacher/
%
If I want to see yesterday's jokes, I go to /r/jokes . . .

If I want to see today's jokes, I go to /r/news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69pgr4/if_i_want_to_see_yesterdays_jokes_i_go_to_rjokes/
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A man plants 49 trees in his back yard

He tends to them every day and always takes the best care of them. They are his pride and joy! They all grow up pretty fast and very healthy as a result of this.
One day he wakes up and looks out his big window, as he does every morning, and notices that something is wrong. He hurries outside and finds that out of all his 49 beautiful trees, only 7 remain. Puzzled at this strange phenomenon, he examines the remaining trees to see if he can figure out what happened.
After hours of tireless examination of the bark and leaves of all the trees, he decides to see if the the problem might lie underground. He goes to his gardening shed for a trowel and starts digging at the base of a tree. Finally he finds the source of his problem.
And wouldn't you know it, square roots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69pf0n/a_man_plants_49_trees_in_his_back_yard/
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A rabbi and a priest

Were good friends. One day the preist asked the rabbi if he could fill in for him for confessions. The rabbi said that he would do it just he needs some lessons on how to do it. So the priest told him to come over and he would show him how. the rabbi comes over and sits down with the priest. The first lady walks in and tells the preist that she has sinned so the priest asks what did you do she says i slept with 3 different men this week the preist says no problem just give $5 to charity and pray that God forgives you. The next lady walks in and tells the priest that she has sinned and again the priest asks what she did and the lady says I slept with 3 different men this week so the priest says no problem just give $5 to charity and pray that God forgives you. The priest then turned to the rabbi and says see how it works now you try. So the next lady walks in and tells the rabbi that she has sinned so the rabbi asks what her sin was the lady says I slept with 2 men this week the rabbi says quick go do it 1 more time there is a great deal today for 3 for $5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69pely/a_rabbi_and_a_priest/
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I put my grades up for adoption

Because I couldn't raise them anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69pd38/i_put_my_grades_up_for_adoption/
%
A father chose to quiz his son...

Father: There was a plane carrying 500 bricks. One fell off. How many were left?
Son: 499
Father: Correct!
______________________________________________________________________________
Father: How do you fit an elephant in a refrigerator?
Son: Um… Cut it up?
Father: Wrong! Open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.
______________________________________________________________________________
Father: Next question: How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Son: Oh! I know! Open the door, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
Father: Wrong! Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
______________________________________________________________________________
Father: The king of the jungle was having a party, and all the animals were invited. Who didn’t go?
Son: Um… I don’t know. Who?
Father: The giraffe, he’s stuck in the fridge.
______________________________________________________________________________
Father: An old lady wanted to cross a river that was said to be infested by piranhas and crocodiles. While crossing, she wasn’t bit or harmed by an animal in the slightest. Why was that?
Son: Because she jumped over them?
Father: Wrong! The crocodiles and piranhas were at the lion’s party.
______________________________________________________________________________
Father: Unfortunately, the woman did die. Why?
Son: What? How?
Father: The falling brick landed on her head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69pc0g/a_father_chose_to_quiz_his_son/
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Why politicians think healthcare is easy

Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them are numbered."
The second responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them are color coded."
The third surgeon said, "I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them are in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimed in, "You know, I like construction workers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over in the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and butt are interchangeable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69pbpt/why_politicians_think_healthcare_is_easy/
%
My ex girlfriend was a whore

She would sleep around with whoever came around and were willing to clean the cobwebs out of her dried up hole.
I feel like the the only reason I stayed with the cheating whore was because she gave the best blow jobs I've ever received and turning her on was as easy as flipping a switch on.
I finally got out of the relationship when my psychiatrist told me i needed to stop fucking my vacuum cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69p7fj/my_ex_girlfriend_was_a_whore/
%
The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69p5yg/the_wife_and_i_took_a_long_leisurely_drive_out_to/
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The Psychiatrist and Proctologist

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read,
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to
"Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.
Next, they tried
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in
"Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts?" No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69p5ev/the_psychiatrist_and_proctologist/
%
My Ex told me she had a stalker

I was watching her house in the bushes and haven't found the bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69p4m9/my_ex_told_me_she_had_a_stalker/
%
Lice have become resistant to most conventional treatments.

Scientists are scratching their heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69p2bv/lice_have_become_resistant_to_most_conventional/
%
I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals..

I'm fucking LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69p1w4/i_cant_remember_what_51_6_and_500_are_in_roman/
%
Three guys get trapped on an island

with cannibals. They get caught and offered a choice, they can either get boiled and eaten, or perform a task and be set free. Of course they all choose to perform a task. So the cannibals send them out into the jungle to pick ten fruits of their choice. They all run off. The first guy returns with 10 bananas. The cannibals tell him that he must now attempt to push them all up his ass without crying. He gets to 4 and breaks down in tears from the pain. The cannibals cook him up and eat him. The second guy returns shortly thereafter with 10 strawberries. The cannibals tell him that he must attempt to push them all up his ass without laughing. Confused but wanting to be set free, he starts. He gets to 9 strawberries but suddenly bursts out laughing. The cannibals cook him up and eat him too.
The first two guys are sitting in heaven. Banana guy looks at strawberry guy and says 'You were so close, why on earth did you start laughing' Strawberry guy stifles a laugh and says 'Well, I saw the third guy coming over the hill with 10 pineapples'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69p0sj/three_guys_get_trapped_on_an_island/
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The Difference Between Women's Friends and Men's Friends:

Friendship among women:
So this guy's wife doesn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among men:
The woman's husband decides not to come home the following night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two insisted he was still there.
And THAT'S the difference between women's friends and men's friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ox6y/the_difference_between_womens_friends_and_mens/
%
My girlfriend said..

"We should spice things up and try reversal of roles in the bedroom"
So I have a headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69owca/my_girlfriend_said/
%
Poor girl

A guy is walking along the beach, when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs lying on the sand, crying.
He walks over to her and asks what's wrong.
"I've never been hugged before" she says.
Thinking this is a simple enough request, the man hugs her.
She soon starts crying again. He again asks what's wrong, and she replies, "I've never been kissed before."
The man again complies with her wishes and gives her a romantic kiss.
She starts crying again, and the man, slightly irritated, asks what's her problem.
"I've never been fucked before" she says.
So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says, "There, now you're fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ovas/poor_girl/
%
Why if a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls he's a player

But if a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys I'm not one of them?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69oval/why_if_a_guy_sleeps_with_a_bunch_of_girls_hes_a/
%
Why couldn't the plant escape the jail?

Because his cell had walls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69otxg/why_couldnt_the_plant_escape_the_jail/
%
Sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium...

Boron, Astanine, Manganese!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69os9e/sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium/
%
I was invited to go play Dungeons and Dragons. I was told i needed to pick a race and a class for my character

So I picked white and middle. Apparently that's not how its played, but I just think they know I'd win

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69os43/i_was_invited_to_go_play_dungeons_and_dragons_i/
%
Husband and Wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - heck no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69os2k/husband_and_wife/
%
My ex-wife still misses me...

but at least her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ory7/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
%
Helen Keller walks into a bar...

and then a chair. and a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69oqnx/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I got a paper cut while writing my suicide note.

It's a start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69olzl/i_got_a_paper_cut_while_writing_my_suicide_note/
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Guts and Balls aren't exactly the same thing

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've
heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
Do they however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British
Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69oj2p/guts_and_balls_arent_exactly_the_same_thing/
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Life without women would be a pain in the ass

literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ohe3/life_without_women_would_be_a_pain_in_the_ass/
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My husband and I like to role play in bed...

He's Donald Trump and I am an American with a pre-existing condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69og4b/my_husband_and_i_like_to_role_play_in_bed/
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Of course gay men dress well...

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ofnm/of_course_gay_men_dress_well/
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A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life...

...but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded,
“I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bull’s-eye in your wife’s vagina. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his penis. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Potter that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Potters and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the tests. He then told the Potters the bad news.
“I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."
The Potters pleaded with him, and said,
“You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.”
“Well, all right,” the doctor said. “But you'll need some apples and a box of cheerios”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69odln/a_doctor_had_the_reputation_of_helping_couples/
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Bill and the Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill mentioned that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely torn apart. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh she got fired too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ocjo/bill_and_the_pickle_slicer/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently not 3, it's still dark in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69obhf/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I like my jokes like I like my nachos...

Cheesy AF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69obfe/i_like_my_jokes_like_i_like_my_nachos/
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What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral makes your day; anal makes your whole week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69oaqr/whats_the_difference_between_oral_sex_and_anal_sex/
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Trump is banning telephone calls to and from the middle east

I can't believe our president created the teleban!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69oapo/trump_is_banning_telephone_calls_to_and_from_the/
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Life is like a penis

Simple, relaxed and free hanging and then women make it hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69o97l/life_is_like_a_penis/
%
What has more lives than a cat?

Frogs. They croak every night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69o7s9/what_has_more_lives_than_a_cat/
%
Do you want to hear a clean and a dirty joke?

I took a bath with bubbles.
Bubbles is my neighbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69o3nh/do_you_want_to_hear_a_clean_and_a_dirty_joke/
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It was the first day of kindergarten...

And the teacher wanted to get to know the kids a little bit and settle them in. The teacher sat them all down and started asking them some questions.
"what is your name, and what does your daddy do?" to which the child answered proudly "I'm Suzie and my dad's a firefighter!"  "That's great!" answered the teacher.
The teacher now asks the second child the same question. "My name is Johnny and my dad is a doctor, He saves people's lives!" answered Johnny. "Wonferful!" exclaimed the teacher.
"And what about you?" she asks another child.  "My name is Billy, and my dad is dead" he said. "I'm sorry to hear that Billy, what did he do before he died?"  she asked. "he turned blue and shit on the carpet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69o34q/it_was_the_first_day_of_kindergarten/
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TIFU by making my customer the wrong sandwich, giving her an allergic reaction.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69nxnh/tifu_by_making_my_customer_the_wrong_sandwich/
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What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Sr. have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69nxf7/what_do_pink_floyd_and_dale_earnhardt_sr_have_in/
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What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?

A Robber Ducky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69nvny/what_do_you_call_a_duck_that_steals/
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What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?

They both live off of dead beatles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69nt90/what_do_ethiopians_and_yoko_ono_have_in_common/
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"NSFW" Whats the difference between a Santa and a Jew?

Santa goes down the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69nqvj/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_santa_and_a/
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Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.
Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69nqtv/scotsman_englishman_and_an_irishman_walk_into_a/
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What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

Putting her back in the wheelchair when you're done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69npbf/whats_the_hardest_part_about_eating_a_vegetable/
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What did the imposter clown say when he was arrested at the House of Lords?

"The real joker's in the Commons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69noyz/what_did_the_imposter_clown_say_when_he_was/
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It bought my friend an elephant for his room since it was his birthday...

He just said "thank you." I was like, "Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69norn/it_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
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A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno, dos..." poof! He disappears without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69nnbc/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
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Are you guys watching the Kentucky Derby?

Yay or neigh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69nh5f/are_you_guys_watching_the_kentucky_derby/
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A snake walks into a bar...

...the bartender says, "hey, how'd you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69nbmb/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So, four pirates and a wench are sailing on a ship...

When the ship crash lands on a deserted island. They realize that there is no way to repair the ship and there is very little chance of rescue, so they're going to have to live on this island. The pirates and the wench come to an agreement. The pirates will take care of shelter, food, firewood, and the like. In return, once each week, each pirate will have a day to fuck the wench as much as they want. So this goes on for years and years, until one sad day, the wench dies. After the first week the pirates say "this is ok, we can deal with this". At the second week they're saying "well this is bad, but we'll survive". During the third week they said "I don't know how much longer I can stand this". Then, the fourth week. They reached a consensus. They just couldn't do it anymore. So they buried her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69n9p8/so_four_pirates_and_a_wench_are_sailing_on_a_ship/
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A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator.

He looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white guy faints and falls to the floor.
The black guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the white guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? "
The black guy says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The white guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69n8e9/a_skinny_little_white_guy_walks_into_an_elevator/
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I got a new haircut a few weeks ago

I didn't like it at first, but it has since grow on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69n876/i_got_a_new_haircut_a_few_weeks_ago/
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What's the difference between a phone and a hooker

The hooker charges before you plug it in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69n6wj/whats_the_difference_between_a_phone_and_a_hooker/
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Welcome to click bait club.‬

You're not going to believe the first rule.‬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69n6s0/welcome_to_click_bait_club/
%
As my son tried to sneak in the house late last night

I shouted: "Come in here boy, let me smell your fingers."
"I tell you every time Dad, I don't smoke" he said, "I've been over the park with my girlfriend."
"I know, son" I replied, sniffing deeply, "I know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69n6na/as_my_son_tried_to_sneak_in_the_house_late_last/
%
Me: What's the difference between curtains and toilet paper?

Friend: Dunno.
Me: So you're the weird fuck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69n6ir/me_whats_the_difference_between_curtains_and/
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I had an interview for a job as a Blacksmith

The person interviewing me asked "Have you ever shoed a horse before"?
I replied "No, but I once told a Donkey to Fuck off".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69n6gk/i_had_an_interview_for_a_job_as_a_blacksmith/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman, and an Indian man wait at the hospital to see their newborn sons.

They don't pay any mind to each other until the doctor comes into the waiting area with all three of the babies.
"There's been a mix-up, we're not sure whose baby is whose."
The three fathers exchange some tense glances.
The Irishman takes initiative and steps forward, picking up the Indian child. "This is my little boy."
"What the hell?" The Indian man says. "That's clearly my son!"
The Irishman replies, "You think I'm about to risk adopting an Englishman?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69n5yx/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_an_indian_man_wait/
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A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp.

The police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69n5nk/a_hole_was_found_in_the_wall_of_a_nudist_camp/
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A Texas man asked his wife on their golden anniversary: Have you ever cheated on me in our 50 years together?

So a Texas man asked his wife on their golden anniversary: Have you ever cheated on me on our 50 years together?
His wife answers: Remember that time you wen to take a loan from the bank to buy our house, but they didn't give you one then suddenly the ban's CEO personally came and gave you the loan for 5 years with 0 interest?
The man replies: Oh yeah. Well without you, we won't be living in this beautiful house, thank you my dear. Any time else?
His wife replies: Well remember that time when you needed a heart surgery or else you would die but we didn't have any money and the hospital refused to do the surgery then the hospital's CEO personally came and told them to the surgery and accepted that we pay the bill for 5 years?
The husband replies: Ah, so that's what happened. Well thanks my love, without you I would be dead right now. Is there another time?
The wife says: Oh yeah, remember that time you were running for the city council, and you were 1500 votes short?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69n505/a_texas_man_asked_his_wife_on_their_golden/
%
How do you give a lemon an orgasm?

You tickle it's citrus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69n4ar/how_do_you_give_a_lemon_an_orgasm/
%
What do time and a redneck's wife have in common?

They're both relatives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69n1qb/what_do_time_and_a_rednecks_wife_have_in_common/
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Why are assholes always in charge?

One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.
THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”
THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”
THE EYES SAID – “Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where the danger lurks, I an the most important body part.”
THE HANDS SAID – “Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I am the most important.”
Of course, everyone got into the arguments and the heart, lungs, and ears all say the same thing.
Finally, the asshole spoke up and pointed that he was the most important even though the others didn’t know it. All the other laughed and laughed to think of an asshole being boss.
The asshole decided to prove the point and refused to function. Blocked up tight.
Soon the brain was feverish, the eyes crossed and ached, the feet were too weak to walk, the hands hung limply at the sides, and the heart and lungs struggled to keep going.
All pleaded with the asshole to relent and agreed that the asshole was the most important and so it happened.
The MORAL of the story is that the asshole always ends up being the boss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69n1p5/why_are_assholes_always_in_charge/
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What do you call an emo italian person?

A pizza cutter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69mzdh/what_do_you_call_an_emo_italian_person/
%
Gays should be stoned

I hear it makes the sex so much better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69mxdo/gays_should_be_stoned/
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I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69mwgc/i_only_believe_in_125_of_everything_the_bible_says/
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Which vegetable parties the most?

The turnup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69muq9/which_vegetable_parties_the_most/
%
I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukkake party.

Everyone came! You should've seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69mo8b/i_threw_my_girlfriend_a_surprise_bukkake_party/
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What do you call a toilet with a prostitute on it?

A John, of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69mnwo/what_do_you_call_a_toilet_with_a_prostitute_on_it/
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Dark humor is like food...

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69mmd9/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
So I'm taking a job interview, and decide to tell my soon to be boss a joke.

He didn't get it, and I didn't get it either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69mk4e/so_im_taking_a_job_interview_and_decide_to_tell/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69mjls/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69mj1v/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
%
What type of car does the pope drive

A Christler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69mgg5/what_type_of_car_does_the_pope_drive/
%
Four nuns die and go to the Pearly Gates...

Saint Peter says he needs to ask them all a question before he lets them into heaven.
Peter turns to the first nun and asks, "have you ever been intimate with a man?"
The first nuns says, "well one time I got a little curious and I touched a man's penis with my finger." Peter says it's no problem, she just has to swirl her finger in the holy water and go right through the Gates.
Peter then turns to the second nun and asks the same question.
"I was even more curious so I actually grabbed it with both hands." Saint Peter again says it's no problem, the nun just has to stick both her hands in the holy water and she can go into heaven.
Meanwhile, the last two nuns are rolling on the ground in a tussle.
Saint Peter approaches them and asks, "Ladies, what is the problem?!"
Out of the commotion, one of the nuns yells, "I want to gargle with it before Sister Ann sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69mgbv/four_nuns_die_and_go_to_the_pearly_gates/
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How do you know Adam was a white man?

You ever try to take a rib from a brotha?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69me4d/how_do_you_know_adam_was_a_white_man/
%
I may have Alzheimer's...

But at least I don't have Alzheimer's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69mdyu/i_may_have_alzheimers/
%
What kind of shoes does a thief wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69m90h/what_kind_of_shoes_does_a_thief_wear/
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After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you dont’t remember, do you??
When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped.
Then you said:
- Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.
So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69m6io/after_10_years_the_wife_starts_to_think_their_kid/
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What do you call an Arab rapper?

Someone who drops allahu akbars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69m64a/what_do_you_call_an_arab_rapper/
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What's the best part of having Rick Astley as your father?

He's never gonna give you up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69m4uj/whats_the_best_part_of_having_rick_astley_as_your/
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How many Jokes subredditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

We'll find out in the comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69m3w6/how_many_jokes_subredditors_does_it_take_to/
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Why does everyone call me a racist...

...when I tell them that I hate juice?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69m37v/why_does_everyone_call_me_a_racist/
%
Guy: Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.

Guy 2: And since when is Mike your best friend?
Guy: Yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69m2ji/guy_yesterday_my_wife_ran_away_with_my_best/
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Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind man

But I was fired from my job as a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lym8/yesterday_i_gave_up_my_seat_on_the_bus_to_a_blind/
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There was a group of animals on an island with no food.

There was an island filled with food across from the island the animals were, so they gathered around and decided to send the turtle to get food because he was the only animal that could swim.
30 minutes passes by and the lion starts talking trash about the turtle, saying how slow he was and asking the other animals why they sent him.
1 hour passes by and the animals are also starting to talk trash about the turtle saying, that they shouldn't have sent the turtle because how slow he is.
3 hours passes by and now all the animals are furious and wondering why the turtle is taking so long saying very mean things about the turtle and how unbelievably slow he is.
Then after a few minutes the turtle shows up and says, "if you guys keep talking shit about me, I'm not fucking going."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ly3e/there_was_a_group_of_animals_on_an_island_with_no/
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The astronomers got tired of watching the Moon go around the Earth for 24 hours. .

So they decided to call it a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lx6s/the_astronomers_got_tired_of_watching_the_moon_go/
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Q & A

Teacher: First one to answer the next question gets to leave early.
(Johnny immediately threw his bag out the window)
Teacher: Who threw that bag?
Johnny: I did! Bye guys!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lw8b/q_a/
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Everyone has 3 stages they will go through

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lvz2/everyone_has_3_stages_they_will_go_through/
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She checked out of this hotel really quick...

Last week, a young woman checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. She thought, "Ill call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
&nbsp;
She looked through the phone book and found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt....you get the picture. She figured, "What the heck, Ill give him a call."
&nbsp;
*"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?"* . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
&nbsp;
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"
&nbsp;
He says, *"Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ltmw/she_checked_out_of_this_hotel_really_quick/
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What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lsj4/whats_the_difference_between_humans_and_a_bullet/
%
Why can't an Oriental couple have a Caucasian child?

Because two Wongs don't make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lpsx/why_cant_an_oriental_couple_have_a_caucasian_child/
%
Me: "what's the difference between a child and a hooker?"

Friend: "i dunno"
me: "you sick fuck".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lp4t/me_whats_the_difference_between_a_child_and_a/
%
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"

He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lnvp/wife_says_to_her_husband_choose_either_me_or_the/
%
Once I met a girl with 12 nipples...

Sounds funny, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lm93/once_i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
%
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...

...they would eventually find me "attractive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69llqy/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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I can tell my new sex toy was made in China.

She speaks Chinese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lkbc/i_can_tell_my_new_sex_toy_was_made_in_china/
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Helium walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "we don't serve Noble Gases here."
Helium does not react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lk3d/helium_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A blonde decides to buy a TV

She walks into a store and asks for a TV. The shopkeeper says "We don't sell to blondes."
She gets angry and dyes her hair black. Tomorrow she comes into the same shop, and asks for a TV. The shopkeeper says again, "We don't sell to blondes."
"How did you know I was blonde?"
"This is a microwave store."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lju5/a_blonde_decides_to_buy_a_tv/
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Two cows are talking...

"Have you heard of the 'mad cow' disease?"
"I don't worry about that, I'm a penguin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ljf5/two_cows_are_talking/
%
Why was the Pepsi employee fired?

He tested positive for coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lipx/why_was_the_pepsi_employee_fired/
%
It's been raining so hard this week I think I need an Ark

It's OK,  I Noah guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lhab/its_been_raining_so_hard_this_week_i_think_i_need/
%
Doctor gave me 3 months to live...

I'm so lazy I missed the deadline, that was 4 months ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lh9i/doctor_gave_me_3_months_to_live/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lfxv/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
What happened to Beethoven's body after he died?

It decomposed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69leot/what_happened_to_beethovens_body_after_he_died/
%
A man compliments his female coworker.

A man mentions to his coworker that her hair smells nice today. The woman suddenly grows enraged, Storms into her supervisor's office, and declares  loudly she is quitting and has decided to file a sexual harassment suit.
"Come on," says the supervisor.
"What's wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice?"
"He's a fucking midget"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69le7w/a_man_compliments_his_female_coworker/
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What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable?

One likes men and the other is disabled.
EDIT 2: I apologise if this offends some people. In 2017, you cannot be too careful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69le63/whats_the_difference_between_a_fruit_and_a/
%
Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects.

I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69lb7w/researchers_in_texas_have_cured_diabetes_in_mice/
%
3 Guys all married for 50 years, die at the same time, all go to pearly gates....

Its a long joke, sorry, 3 men all die at the same time, 3 men all have been married for 50 years, 3 men all are at the pearly gates, with St. Peter annoyed doing paperpork.
St.Peter tells them, I already the know the truth, I already know the answers, just tell me the truth when I ask a question.
First guy, how many times in 50 years did you cheat on your wife...the man says , Sir, in 50 years I have never cheated on my wife. St. Peter says for you Mercedes 500 convertible, he drives it through
Second guy, sweating a little, how many times in 50 years have you cheated on your wife, second guy stutters, 14 ,,,,12,,, ummm 14, St. Peter says for you, 1974 Chevy Nova, he drives it through
Third guy, sweat is pouring down, how many times have you cheated on your wife, He says, sir we both know I have cheated on my wife every Saturday night with a different girl, for you 1962, Vespa Scooter. He drives it through.
So the Scooter guy and Nova guy are driving around and they see the Mercedes guy pulled over on the road, sobbing, bone cracking huge sobs, tear stained shirt.
They say, what's wrong, you lived your whole life right, you were a great husband, why are you crying.
First guy says, "I just saw my wife go by on rollerskates".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69l9q0/3_guys_all_married_for_50_years_die_at_the_same/
%
Today i saw a sign that made me piss in my pants

"Bathroom closed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69l99h/today_i_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_piss_in_my_pants/
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Extra Large Condoms

The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69l89c/extra_large_condoms/
%
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69l6z2/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that_died/
%
What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69l67s/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_of_only_two_sodium_atoms/
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In the Soviet Union a listener calls Radio Yerevan with a pressing question.

"Is it true"  the listener asks  "that in Moscow, at the Red Square, Moskvich cars are being given for free?"
"It is absolutely true"  the host replies  "just not in Moscow but in Leningrad, not at the Red Square but at the Revolution Square, not cars but bikes, and not given for free but stolen for free."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69l0ll/in_the_soviet_union_a_listener_calls_radio/
%
I am sexually harassed at work.

And I'm self employed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kzd9/i_am_sexually_harassed_at_work/
%
It's Sigmund Freud's birthday today...

I wish him great happenis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kz14/its_sigmund_freuds_birthday_today/
%
So I'm standing at the bus stop, eating a sandwich…

And there's an old lady there with a little chihuahua.
It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich.
I ask the lady,
" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"
" Why no, go ahead", she says, sweetly.
So I threw the yappy little bastard under a bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kyut/so_im_standing_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_sandwich/
%
What's the best part about ISIS jokes?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kyq6/whats_the_best_part_about_isis_jokes/
%
What is heavier? A 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

The answer is the feathers.
200 pounds of bricks is just a bunch of bricks, but if you try to carry 200 pounds of feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kyf8/what_is_heavier_a_200_pounds_of_bricks_or_200/
%
A Motorcycle and a jar of Vaseline

Don buys a new motorcycle and before he leaves the seller gives him a jar of Vaseline and tells him to coat the bike with it before it rains to prevent rusting.
Don takes off and and picks up his girlfriend, Susan, and they head to her parents house for dinner. Before they go inside the house Don's girlfriend says, "Look, my family has this weird tradition where no one speaks during dinner. The first person to talk has to wash the dishes."
As they all sit down for dinner Don sees an opportunity to test this 'tradition' so he starts making out with Susan at the table in front of her parents. No one says a word. Don then rips Susan's shirt off and starts playing with her tits.
Silence.
Don then begins to have sex with Susan. Still nobody says a word. Stunned by this, Don clears off half the table and begins plowing Susan's mom right there in front of her husband, Gary. Gary keeps eating.
Suddenly there is a clap of thunder outside and Don remembers his motorcycle. He quickly pulls out the jar of Vaseline from his jacket pocket. Upon seeing the Vaseline his Don's hand, Gary stands up and yells, "God damnit! I'll do the fucking dishes!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kxgq/a_motorcycle_and_a_jar_of_vaseline/
%
Driving along the freeway I overtook a female driver doing her make up in the mirror..

I was so shocked I dropped my razor in my coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kwsg/driving_along_the_freeway_i_overtook_a_female/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

(Choking Noises)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kv1k/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
I love the way the earth rotates.

It really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ktfa/i_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
%
Jim has just been released from prison

after doing ten years for mugging old ladies. He makes his way into town, horny as hell from ten years without sex, but he only has five dollars on him. He goes into a brothel and tells the madame his situation. "Five dollars? "says the madame, "well that won't get you a woman but you can get head from a chicken for that." Jim doesn't know what to think of that when one of the other clients pipes up. "Give it a shot bud! Best head you'll ever get!"
Jim pays the five dollars and the madame takes him to an empty room with a stool in the middle and tells him to take down his pants. The chicken comes in and gives Jim the best blow job he's ever had.
Jim leaves, goes outside and mugs the first old lady he sees. He comes running back into the brothel waving a five dollar bill.
"Madame I need to see the chicken again!"
"I'm sorry," says the madame, "the chicken has gone home for the night, but for five dollars I can let you watch the peepshow."
Jim pays the five dollars and is led into a room with a bunch of men sitting looking through holes in the wall. Jim looks through the holes and sees a guy fucking a dog.
"Jesus! That's disgusting!" yells Jim.
Then one of the other men yells back: "You think that's disgusting bud, you shoulda seen the guy getting head from a chicken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kt49/jim_has_just_been_released_from_prison/
%
Change the baby

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you dont’t remember, do you??
When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped.
Then you said:
- Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.
So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kt25/change_the_baby/
%
My grandfather had colon cancer

He said it wasn't too bad. Grandma was a bigger pain in the ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69krr0/my_grandfather_had_colon_cancer/
%
Almost got my first blowjob today.

Tomorrow,I'm going to stretch even farther while doing sit-ups.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kr83/almost_got_my_first_blowjob_today/
%
I wish I was ugly for one day

Then it means that I won't have to be ugly everyday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kr64/i_wish_i_was_ugly_for_one_day/
%
The Norwegian navy has started putting barcodes on their ships…

So they can scan da navy in…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kn09/the_norwegian_navy_has_started_putting_barcodes/
%
An old lady goes to the doctor

and tells him about her condition:
- Oh doc, I'm having these massive farts all the time. Fortunately they are completely​ silent and don't smell at all. Could you help me with that?
The doctor prescribes her some medicine and tells her to come back next week for a check-up.
Next week the old lady as she arrives to the doctor immediately starts complaining:
- What the hell did you prescribe me, doc? My farts smell awful now!!
The doc replies:
- Ah, good. We fixed your sense of smell, now it's time for your hearing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kk6n/an_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
How do you know if someone's a vegan?

They fucking tell you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69khgo/how_do_you_know_if_someones_a_vegan/
%
I got voted “Least Likely To Succeed” by my high school class…

God, I hate being a teacher…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kh6v/i_got_voted_least_likely_to_succeed_by_my_high/
%
Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents?

Because he was on the Nautilus...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kego/why_didnt_captain_nemo_get_any_christmas_presents/
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The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves.

Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kecb/the_tea_and_coffee_are_married_but_the_tea_leaves/
%
What browser do Linkin Park use?

Microsoft Edge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kdke/what_browser_do_linkin_park_use/
%
A woman and a man standing in an elevator...

The man asks: "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to donate my blood"
"How much do they pay for that" - asks the man
"About $30"
"Wow, all that blood for $30? I'm going to donate sperm now, and the sperm bank is giving me $100". Frustrated, the woman leaves the elevator.
The next day they meets again, and the man says: "Nice to meet you again, where are you heading today?". "Two teh spehm bahnk" - she replies with her mouth full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69kb9k/a_woman_and_a_man_standing_in_an_elevator/
%
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69k9sy/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
%
My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government.

Visitors only see the nice china.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69k9ou/my_grandma_is_kind_of_like_the_chinese_government/
%
What's another name for an angry transvestite?

A cross dresser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69k9hm/whats_another_name_for_an_angry_transvestite/
%
NSFW My son in law...

a deli owner is also a very proud father of a daughter. His daughter is the first in the family to be accepted into an ivy league university, not bad for people who live above their deli. The only thing he worries about is his daughter can't seem to find a man.
One night he hears a sound down in the deli and quietly goes downstairs. What he sees shocks and saddens him. his daughter is using a salami as a dildo. The next day while working a woman asks him for salami. He tells her they are out. She points to a large salami sitting on a table and says " If you are out of salami, what the hell is that?!"  He looks sadly at the woman and replies, "my son in law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69k8sf/nsfw_my_son_in_law/
%
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69k7oa/theres_this_old_priest_who_got_sick_of_all_the/
%
I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle.

It was so loud I nearly fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69k7kx/i_was_having_a_quick_wee_in_the_deep_end_of_the/
%
Why are priests bad at marathons?

Because they always come in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69k718/why_are_priests_bad_at_marathons/
%
Son: "What's that Daddy?" (*pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower*)...

Daddy: "That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound."
Son: "Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69k60g/son_whats_that_daddy_pointing_at_mummy_getting/
%
A blind man walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts telling the bartender a blonde joke. As soon as he starts the bartender stops him and says: "hey, before you tell the joke, just so you know. I'm a blonde, 200lb body builder, the blonde girl next to you is a kung fu artist, the other blonde girl is a wrestler and there in the back are two blonde knife experts. Do you still want to tell your joke?"
He replies: "Nah, I don't want to explain it five times"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69k3u8/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A fisherman catches a shark.

As soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling, “Wait wait wait… I’m a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go.”
“Alright,” says the man, “I want my penis to reach the floor”. So the shark ate his legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69k123/a_fisherman_catches_a_shark/
%
My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely. She’s blond and beautiful

and she lives right across the street. I can see her back yard from my kitchen window. She suntans back there and I always find a reason to do the dishes.
.
I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said,”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great” she said. ” Can you watch my dog?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69k01n/my_neighbor_shes_single_shes_shapely_shes_blond/
%
Getting Dad-zoned

Seeing a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar, a man walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69jyo5/getting_dadzoned/
%
Why shouldn't you wear Russian underwear?

Chernobyl fallout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69jyd9/why_shouldnt_you_wear_russian_underwear/
%
Freud day

Freud was born on this day. Everyone should go and read his boobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69jt3x/freud_day/
%
Some hookers get paid to go out on dates before sex, and call it the "girlfriend experience."

Others torture and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're tied up.
That's called the "wife experience."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69jq49/some_hookers_get_paid_to_go_out_on_dates_before/
%
How do crazy people get through the forest?

They take the psycho-path

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69jnq1/how_do_crazy_people_get_through_the_forest/
%
Stranger guy with a sexy women in a hotel lobby.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room no 99.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69jlpp/stranger_guy_with_a_sexy_women_in_a_hotel_lobby/
%
If snap chat has taught me anything...

It's that alot of you females look better as farm animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69jjym/if_snap_chat_has_taught_me_anything/
%
Cleaning mirrors for a living might not pay much

But it's definitely something I could see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69jgls/cleaning_mirrors_for_a_living_might_not_pay_much/
%
A man walks into a bar...

And sees a man about a foot tall playing the paino. "Damn!" He exclaims. "How is this possible?" He asked the bartender. The bartender explains that there's a genie in the back of the bar. Excited, the man heads to the back of the bar and wishes "for 1 million bucks." Suddenly 1 million ducks fly out of the bar. "This genie is hard of hearing! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The bartender stares at the man and says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist..?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69jd0o/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
women might actually turn into good drivers.

So good drivers, watch out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69jcmu/women_might_actually_turn_into_good_drivers/
%
How do the nurses at sperm banks get paid?

Erect deposit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69jb95/how_do_the_nurses_at_sperm_banks_get_paid/
%
Some people say turning 20 isn't a big deal,

But to me it's a score.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ja9u/some_people_say_turning_20_isnt_a_big_deal/
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What do you get when you combine shitty, old commercials with audio files?

Aflac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69j9wc/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_shitty_old/
%
How are tennis and life similar?

Love means nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69j8of/how_are_tennis_and_life_similar/
%
How much does a skeleton love his bones?

A skeleTON
(My 7 year old insist I post this, be gentle...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69j69p/how_much_does_a_skeleton_love_his_bones/
%
Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?

Because there's targets on every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69j4kk/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_iraq/
%
My girlfriend was telling me all about the gender wage gap...

It was really informative. I thanked her for her 1.56 cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69j2jr/my_girlfriend_was_telling_me_all_about_the_gender/
%
My wife and I were having an argument the other day.

She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.
A few hours later at work, I felt terrible about what i had said, so I called her to apologize and I asked her, "What are you doing?"
And she said, "I'm in bed."
So i said, "What are you doing this late in bed?"
And she said, "Getting a second opinion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69j0dc/my_wife_and_i_were_having_an_argument_the_other/
%
I'm absolutely not going to stand for this shit.

...I'm going to sit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ixbj/im_absolutely_not_going_to_stand_for_this_shit/
%
Sushi

...the rolls-rice of Asian seafood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69iuxq/sushi/
%
Finally Together

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together".
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ipj5/finally_together/
%
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're pretty damn good at it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69inup/how_come_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69inmh/have_you_ever_played_quiet_tennis/
%
What do you call a chickpea that likes another chickpea?

Hummusexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69imoo/what_do_you_call_a_chickpea_that_likes_another/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

(Choking Noises)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69imgu/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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How did my son win a Turban at school today?

He was the champion of Hide and go Sikh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69im52/how_did_my_son_win_a_turban_at_school_today/
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What kind of horses go out after dusk?

Nightmares

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69il8p/what_kind_of_horses_go_out_after_dusk/
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What do you call a vegan lion?

Dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ik6t/what_do_you_call_a_vegan_lion/
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ih0a/apparently_1_in_5_people_in_the_world_are_chinese/
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It was difficult to turn off my wife's life support today

You try fighting off 2 nurses, 1 doctor, and my 3 kids!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69iff2/it_was_difficult_to_turn_off_my_wifes_life/
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I saw a climate scientist eating pasta out of a pink leather bowl

He was eating carb on dyed ox hide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69id6c/i_saw_a_climate_scientist_eating_pasta_out_of_a/
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Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ib3y/why_do_riot_police_like_to_get_to_work_early/
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Heard my neighbours shagging last night for what seemed like ages last night...

all the moaning, groaning and banging on the headboard seemed to go on for ages!
Turns out my elderly neighbour had fallen and was banging on the wall for help.
Feel a bit guilty about the wank now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69iafl/heard_my_neighbours_shagging_last_night_for_what/
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What was Osama bin Laden's biggest regret as a parent?

kids blow up so fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69i9t0/what_was_osama_bin_ladens_biggest_regret_as_a/
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If the big bang theory, how I met your mother and two and a half men had ever crossed over it would've been called

How I banged your mother with two and a half men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69i6yy/if_the_big_bang_theory_how_i_met_your_mother_and/
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I showed my girlfriend my Reddit history

"When I said you should recycle more... I didn't mean post more on r/jokes" she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69i6sa/i_showed_my_girlfriend_my_reddit_history/
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I totally understand how batteries feel ...

... because I’m rarely ever included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69i40s/i_totally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
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A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69i2a4/a_man_in_his_mid_forties_bought_a_new_bmw_and_was/
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One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

The brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes!" So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks!" So, finally, it's the blonde's turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69i1uo/one_day_a_brunette_a_redhead_and_a_blonde_decide/
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A New Bell Ringer for Notre Dame.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question for you), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition but, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a deadringer for his brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69i1cs/a_new_bell_ringer_for_notre_dame/
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If there is anything in this world i don't like

It's gingers, dyslexia, racists, and hypocrites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69i1b1/if_there_is_anything_in_this_world_i_dont_like/
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What's 40+40+SQUIRREL!

80HD
My daughter made up that joke when she was 8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69i0zw/whats_4040squirrel/
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Why did Donald Trump marry an Immigrant?

Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American wants to do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69i0wu/why_did_donald_trump_marry_an_immigrant/
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I got caught trying to hang myself at school

Now I'm suspended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69huvt/i_got_caught_trying_to_hang_myself_at_school/
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I think I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year.

He was really easy to get a lawn with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69hs9x/i_think_im_going_to_hire_the_same_landscaper_i/
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection, except one.

He's never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69hs2h/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all in 9th grade. Which of them is the hottest?

The blonde because she's the only one whos 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69hq11/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all_in_9th/
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2 Italian men get on a bus

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69hon3/2_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
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Did you know that Stephen Hawking wrote a cookbook?

It's called A Brief History of Thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ho92/did_you_know_that_stephen_hawking_wrote_a_cookbook/
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What do you call Trumps new healthcare plan?

Yuge-genics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69hmvk/what_do_you_call_trumps_new_healthcare_plan/
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Why did Johann Sebastian only go to college for 2 years?

He only needed an elor's degree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69hm0n/why_did_johann_sebastian_only_go_to_college_for_2/
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I'm an archaeologist...

My life is in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69hkbm/im_an_archaeologist/
%
What kind of concert can you go to for 45 cents?

A 50 cent concert featuring Nickleback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69hirm/what_kind_of_concert_can_you_go_to_for_45_cents/
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How to end your relationship with just the word "you"

She: Honey, we haven't had sex in weeks!
He: You.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69hiem/how_to_end_your_relationship_with_just_the_word/
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Why did the iguana go to the doctor?

He was suffering from a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69hex4/why_did_the_iguana_go_to_the_doctor/
%
Why do feminists hate the post?

It's a mail dominated industry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69hdl0/why_do_feminists_hate_the_post/
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Are you my homework?

Because you make me anxious and I won't try to do you until its far, far too late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69hbsg/are_you_my_homework/
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I tried to start a religious social media page called Faithbook...

...but it was deemed offensive by the American Lisp Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69hbeg/i_tried_to_start_a_religious_social_media_page/
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What does a robot do with his first girlfriend?

He nuts and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69hb0t/what_does_a_robot_do_with_his_first_girlfriend/
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There was an explosion in a French cheese factory.

All that was left was de brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69h7wu/there_was_an_explosion_in_a_french_cheese_factory/
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I thought it was an open marriage, but my wife still left me for sleeping around.

How was I supposed to know that her in-laws were off-limits?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69h65b/i_thought_it_was_an_open_marriage_but_my_wife/
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A sheep, drum and snake fall off a cliff

Baa-Dum-Tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69h5k8/a_sheep_drum_and_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
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I'm Pro Life

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for killing babies, I just don't like to let women make choices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69h4p3/im_pro_life/
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Three whales walk into a bar...

Bartender says whale whale whale!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69h3xg/three_whales_walk_into_a_bar/
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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like chocolate.

They kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69h3cl/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_chocolate/
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How do you make a gypsy take a bath?

Leave it on the front garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69gypf/how_do_you_make_a_gypsy_take_a_bath/
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"Mr. Stalin, what's your hobby?"

Stalin: My hobby?
Interviewer: Yes.
Stalin: Well, I collect political jokes.
Interviewer: How many have you collected?
Stalin: 2 and a half Gulags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69gyj4/mr_stalin_whats_your_hobby/
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Boss: Do you know why I called you in here?

Me: Because I accidentally sent you a dic pic
Boss: (Stops pouring 2 glasses of wine)
Accidentally?
credit u/zarina300

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69gxoo/boss_do_you_know_why_i_called_you_in_here/
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A man was sitting in a bar...

A man was sitting in a bar when he noticed two ladies speaking in an English accent across from him. He went to them and asked:
"Are you ladies from England?"
The ladies said "It's wales you idiot"
The man goes "Sorry. Are you two whales from England?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69gxei/a_man_was_sitting_in_a_bar/
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What's a French tank driver's greatest fear?

A one-way street

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69gvk5/whats_a_french_tank_drivers_greatest_fear/
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A salesman knocked on my door today

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked. I said, “My next door neighbour.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69gsmj/a_salesman_knocked_on_my_door_today/
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Who are the world's fastest readers?

9/11 victims, they went through 110 stories in half a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69gsf5/who_are_the_worlds_fastest_readers/
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A whale was swimming along with his wife...

A whale was swimming along with his wife when he saw a merchant boat approaching, he told his wife "hey, let's teach them a lesson, let's swim from below, blow air and that'll make the boat topple over".
And sure enough, they did and the boat toppled over. Then the male whale saw the sailors were swimming to shore, so he tells his wife "look, they're saving themselves! Quick, eat them up before they reach the shore!".
But his wife seemed reluctant to follow through this time. She looked at him and said "look, I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69go88/a_whale_was_swimming_along_with_his_wife/
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How often do I put orange slices in my beer?

Oh, once in a Blue Moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69glct/how_often_do_i_put_orange_slices_in_my_beer/
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I was trying to think of a bad joke for Cinco de Mayo

but all of mine are 5/5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69gkss/i_was_trying_to_think_of_a_bad_joke_for_cinco_de/
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I asked my mom if I was adopted

She said, "of course not, why would we choose you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69gj34/i_asked_my_mom_if_i_was_adopted/
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My wife cheated on me with a Mexican

She’s with Jesus now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69gi8r/my_wife_cheated_on_me_with_a_mexican/
%
Did you hear about the guy who has an affinity for burn victims?

I guess you could say he's into carbon dating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69gh7h/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_has_an_affinity/
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It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack.

If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69gb8w/its_a_shame_carrie_fisher_was_on_a_united/
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What's black and white and red all over?

A skunk in a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69gatv/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
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The three wishes

Genie: you have three wishes
me: make math go away
Genie: ok, that one's on the house
me: yay, so I still get three wishes?
Genie: huh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69garu/the_three_wishes/
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Want a slutty costume?

Dress up as my professors, they barely cover anything important

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69g0vs/want_a_slutty_costume/
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Wife:- I am Going out for 2 hours. Do u want anything?

Hubby:- No, that's enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69fzb6/wife_i_am_going_out_for_2_hours_do_u_want_anything/
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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work....

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69fxil/a_housewife_takes_a_lover_during_the_day_while/
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Why did the programmer get kicked out of his high school track team?

He kept getting errors at runtime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69fvbh/why_did_the_programmer_get_kicked_out_of_his_high/
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How do you defeat Polish cavalry?

Turn off the merry-go-round

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69fskn/how_do_you_defeat_polish_cavalry/
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What's black, white, and red all over?

A race war.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69fp6z/whats_black_white_and_red_all_over/
%
The kid next door challenged me to a water fight.

I thought I'd post this while the water boils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69fofe/the_kid_next_door_challenged_me_to_a_water_fight/
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I spend more time at the whorehouse than I do at home.

Don't judge me, it pays the bills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69fnx5/i_spend_more_time_at_the_whorehouse_than_i_do_at/
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Donald Trump has imposed a ban on all pre-shredded bags of cheese in stores

He wants to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69fnnx/donald_trump_has_imposed_a_ban_on_all_preshredded/
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Never trust a harp.

They're all lyres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69fmg7/never_trust_a_harp/
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What noise does an Internet frog make?

Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69fftc/what_noise_does_an_internet_frog_make/
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Teacher: Why do many bald men have torn pant pockets?

Johnny: Sometimes, they too feel like stroking their hair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69fckb/teacher_why_do_many_bald_men_have_torn_pant/
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I bought my wife a kitchen mixer for Christmas and she hasn't opened it yet

which is great because I am going to give it to her for Mother's Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69fa8q/i_bought_my_wife_a_kitchen_mixer_for_christmas/
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Two accountants are trying to get a job...

The first one goes in for his interview. They go over his history and experience, tell him about the company, and all the usual things. Then they ask him to take a test. They bring him to a closed room and he sits at the only table, in the only chair.
When he looks at the test, he sees only one question, "What is the answer to 2+2?" He writes down "4" and turns it in. They look at his answer, shake his hand, and inform him they will call him if he gets the job.
The second accountant meets the interviewer later that day and goes through the same motions. The get to know a bit about each other just like the first one, and then send him in for the test.
The second accountant sees the same question, answers it with a brief sentence, and turns it in. The interviewer reads his answer, and immediately shakes his hand, "You're hired," he says.
What was the second accountant's answer to "What is 2+2?":
"What do you want it to be?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69f8ue/two_accountants_are_trying_to_get_a_job/
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There's something making the center of my back itch

But I can't put my finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69f8so/theres_something_making_the_center_of_my_back_itch/
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"Is anybody here named Jeff?"

Jeff: "Yes."
Geoff: "Yeos."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69f7t4/is_anybody_here_named_jeff/
%
You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water. If it sinks it's girl ant,

If it floats it's boy ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69f62i/you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by_dropping_it/
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Apparently the Titanic had a lot of condiments on board

The ketchup and mustard werr carried off on the life rafts and people ate it while they were waiting for help. But one condiment was left behind... it was discovered slightly less than a month later at the bottom of the sea. Mexico suffered greatly from the loss and decided to commemorate the day every year. Today is that day. Happy Sinko de Mayo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69f4pl/apparently_the_titanic_had_a_lot_of_condiments_on/
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A brunette, a ginger and a blonde were in grammar class.

The teacher told them about the degrees of comparison of adjectives: positive, comparative and superlative. Then, she asked for examples from the students.
The brunette says "deep, shallow, flat".
The teacher responds "That's not I'm asking. It should be the same adjective."
The ginger says "deep, not as deep, not deep at all".
The teacher responds "That's not adjective comparison. That's just comparison using the same adjective."
The blonde says "deep, deeper, oh!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69f1oy/a_brunette_a_ginger_and_a_blonde_were_in_grammar/
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3 guys were at a romantic dating training.

The teacher explained them what a date is and then decided to give them a small test.
"If you were in a restaurant, and you suddenly had to go to the bathroom, what would you tell the girl?" the teacher asked.
The first guy responds "Hey, I need to go take a piss!"
The teacher says "That's no way to talk to the lady. Would somebody else try?"
The second guy responds "If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bath room."
The teacher says "This is better, but not charming at all, since you mention the bath room. How else could we phrase it?"
The third guy responds "Miss, it pains me to I leave you, but I have to go shake hands with a good friend of mine to whom I hope to introduce you later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ey8s/3_guys_were_at_a_romantic_dating_training/
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Only 90 kids will remember.

If you kill 10 kids out of 100.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ey71/only_90_kids_will_remember/
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What’s the difference between a priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ewrv/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_zit/
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Happy Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69evoa/happy_anniversary/
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I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.

Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69esld/im_halfway_towards_my_goal_of_becoming_filthy_rich/
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Life is like toilet paper

You're either on a roll ... or taking shit from an arsehole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69eqaw/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
%
The Aristocrats return to the talent agency...(OC)

The agent says, "Holy fuck, not you asshats again." The father shakes his head, "No, no. It's a totally different show. I swear, this one is going to be really big." The agent has a slow day, so he waves his hand for them to continue.
The father looks at his son, "Ok, Bernard..." and the son steps forward and starts to sing the Star Spangled Banner. His voice is absolutely angelic and the agent, not one for sentimentality, can't help but be mesmerized by the boy's singing. "By the dawn's early light..."
The father whistles and the family dog, a large labradoodle, jumps up on the boys head. The boy strains but his voice remains even and gorgeous, "Whose broad stripes and bright stars..."
Without any cue, the mother jumps up on the boys outstretched left arm. Still the boy's voice never waivers "And the rocket's red glare..."
The agent can't believe his eyes, the kid is holding up his mother, balancing the dog on his head, and still singing so beautifully when the father does a short hop and lands on the boy's outstretched right arm. "That our flag was still there..."
As the boy strains to hold the weight of both his parents and the family dog, he starts into the final, rousing lines and is still singing flawlessly. "For the land of the free..."
The agent has tears in his eyes seeing the steady strength of the boy as he continues, holding almost the whole family, "And the hoooome, of the...Braaaaave."
Suddenly, the father calls out the the daughter, "Hillary, big finish!" at which point the daughter punctuates that final line by kicking the fuck out of the boy's crotch. Both parents, the dog, and now even the daughter all jump simultaneously and land perfectly, smiling, jazz hands shimmering, as Bernard crumples to the floor.
The agent is appalled at the callous brutality of this final moment. He stares, mouth agape, at the family and the broken son, "What the fuck do you call that?"
The father proudly yells, "The Democrats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69eqa6/the_aristocrats_return_to_the_talent_agencyoc/
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What did the airplane say to the ground when it crashed?

Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69eoyz/what_did_the_airplane_say_to_the_ground_when_it/
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What do laywers wear to court?

Lawsuits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69enl7/what_do_laywers_wear_to_court/
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The cannibal

A cannibal was handed the funurary urn of a relative: What is this, instant soup?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69en26/the_cannibal/
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What came first, the chicken or the egg?

The cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69egrz/what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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What do Buzz Lightyear and Bees have in common?

They both can fly.
What?
You thought I was going to make a pun? I'm not that shallow.
Now buzz off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69efz0/what_do_buzz_lightyear_and_bees_have_in_common/
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Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"

"It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69eelr/interviewer_just_imagine_youre_in_the_20th_floor/
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Some blondes are in a car on their way to Disneyland.

When they see a sign at an intersection.
"Disneyland left" ←
so they went back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ee4f/some_blondes_are_in_a_car_on_their_way_to/
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Why do fish go to church?

To save their shoals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ee33/why_do_fish_go_to_church/
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How much in royalties did 50 Cent get paid by Republicans?

It's obviously a cover of Get Rich or Die Tryin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69edol/how_much_in_royalties_did_50_cent_get_paid_by/
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living

.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ed9m/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
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I need a man, I need a man!

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ed4z/i_need_a_man_i_need_a_man/
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I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...

the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an erection during this procedure."
"I don't have an erection', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69eczc/i_went_to_get_a_prostate_exam_yesterday/
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Me : God save me...

God : as jpg or png???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69eco8/me_god_save_me/
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Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ece5/rogers_youre_thinking_of_a_blowjob/
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A blind man and his mistress.

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.
After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, “Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?”
He replied, “Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ebnm/a_blind_man_and_his_mistress/
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The man who turned into a chicken

John went to bed, kissed his wife goodnight and closed his eyes to sleep.
He suddenly woke up with a jolt and saw an elderly bearded man dressed in a cowl standing next to the bed.
"Who the hell are you, and what are you doing in my bedroom?", John said.
-"You're not in your bedroom", the man said. "I am Saint Peter, and you're in heaven."
John stared at him with a long face.
"WHAT!? Am I dead? I can't be dead! I'm way too young to die, you gotta send me back right away!"
-"It's not that simple", said Saint Peter. "I can only send you back either as a dog or a chicken. You decide."
John wondered for a few minutes.
"We'll if that's the case, send me back as a chicken. I'm not a dog person."
-"As you wish", Saint Peter said with a boomy voice and snapped his fingers.
John woke up in the middle of a hen house, all covered in feathers. He felt pretty great, but he felt a throbbing feeling by his asshole.
He saw the rooster walking toward him.
-"Hey! You gotta be the new chicken. How's it goin'?", the rooster said.
"I'm alright, but I have this weird throbbing sensation in my ass. Is that normal?" Chicken-John said.
-"Yeah it's fine, you're ovulating. You've never ovulated before, have you?"
"No. How does it work?"
-"Cluck two times and push, and the egg will pop out! Super easy."
Chicken-John did as he said. He clucked two times and pushed, and an egg fell out.
That was easy, he thought, and did the exact same thing again and again.
After the third time, John heard his wife scream: "Wake the fuck up, you prick! You're shitting all over the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69eao4/the_man_who_turned_into_a_chicken/
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I think our solar system is highly underrated ...

... Seriously, just one star? Duh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69e6u9/i_think_our_solar_system_is_highly_underrated/
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One Sunday morning a preacher told his congregation..

"Everyone who wants to go to heaven after they die, come down to the front now!"
The whole church came forward except for one guy. Thinking that maybe the man hadn't heard him, the preacher repeated the invitation.
Again the man just sat there.
"Sir," said the preacher, "don't you want to go to heaven when you die?
The man replied, "Oh, when I die! I thought you were getting a group ready to go right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69e66w/one_sunday_morning_a_preacher_told_his/
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How does Bin Laden introduce himself to Germans?

Ich Bin Laden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69e5s5/how_does_bin_laden_introduce_himself_to_germans/
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Little Jimmy is playing with his train set

While his mother is washing the dishes. She is enjoying listening to him playing so pauses to hear him better. "chuga chuga, chuga chuga, choo choo! We are now at the station, anyone that wants to get on the fucking train, get on the fucking train, anyone that wants to get off the fucking train get off the fucking train" says little Jimmy. Not 100% sure she heard correctly, The mother moves her head closer to try and listen again. "chuga chuga, chuga chuga, choo choo! anyone that wants to get on the fucking train, get on the fucking train, anyone that wants to get off the fucking train get off the fucking train" says Jimmy again. Outraged, his mother storms into the play room and rages, "that language is unacceptable Jimmy. You're going to your room and no dessert after tea tonight!" After about half an hour, the mother starts to think she has been too harsh and decides to let Jimmy come and play with the trains again. Jimmy starts playing while his mother is happily listening again from the kitchen. ""chuga chuga, chuga chuga, choo choo! anyone that wants to get on the fucking train, get on the fucking train, anyone that wants to get off the fucking train get off the fucking train" says Jimmy, "and if you want to know why we're half an hour late, it's because of that bitch in the kitchen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69e5fz/little_jimmy_is_playing_with_his_train_set/
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Happy Cinco De Mayo. A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three

He says "uno, dos..." then disappears without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69e48t/happy_cinco_de_mayo_a_mexican_magician_says_he/
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I was in the public toilets....

... and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi!, how are you?” Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”. The voice said “So what are you up to?”. I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”. From next door, “Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said, “rather busy right now”. The voice said, “Listen, i will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69e458/i_was_in_the_public_toilets/
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I texted my wife a picture of my flaccid penis...

I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69e3xs/i_texted_my_wife_a_picture_of_my_flaccid_penis/
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Why does Snoop Dog always carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69e18c/why_does_snoop_dog_always_carry_an_umbrella/
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Why is it ok for an ice company to commit a fraud?

Because... their assets are already frozen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69e0yw/why_is_it_ok_for_an_ice_company_to_commit_a_fraud/
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What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Grains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dzry/what_do_vegetarian_zombies_eat/
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A Young Man

Has dreams of being a sailor but has no formal education. One day a magnificent ship docks at the harbour and the man rushes to the first mate.
"Please sir, I wish to become a sailor. I have no skills or experience but I'm the most honest, trustworthy man you'll ever meet!"
The first mate, impressed by the mans resolve, takes him to the Captain. The Captain agrees to take the man on board as an apprentice.
One day, the man is swabbing the decks when a vicious storm rolls in, the man is washed overboard and disappears. The Captain rushes to the first mate.
"That man you had me hire! The one who was honest and trustworthy!"
"Yes?"
"He's just fucked off with the mop!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dypj/a_young_man/
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Another blonde joke

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dx2v/another_blonde_joke/
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I had a dirty dream about my ex wife

The dishes were pulled up and the house smelled like pachouli oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dvd7/i_had_a_dirty_dream_about_my_ex_wife/
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If France and Italy go to war, who would win?

None of them, France would surrender and Italy would switch sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69duv2/if_france_and_italy_go_to_war_who_would_win/
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Spanish sausage is pretty bad, but...

German sausage is just the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69du7x/spanish_sausage_is_pretty_bad_but/
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Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders"...

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69du2m/slightly_peeved_that_the_makers_of_the_shampoo/
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If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife…

Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dtco/if_a_man_with_a_foot_fetish_cheats_on_his_wife/
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Why was the fish at the bottom of the ocean?

Because he dropped out of school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dror/why_was_the_fish_at_the_bottom_of_the_ocean/
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Grandpa's death

After grandpa's death i went to grandma's house to comfort her. I asked her how did that happen.
Grandma: " He died from a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Shocked, i told her that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Grandma:" Oh no my dear. Realizing our advanced age we figured out that the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the perfect rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, just in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear amd then continued, " And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd be still alive today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dq7n/grandpas_death/
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down....

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69do3t/a_little_boy_walks_into_his_parents_room_to_see/
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How do we know there are no women in heaven?

Revelation 8:1 says: "And when he openeth the seventh seal, there came silence in the heaven about half-an-hour"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dmt7/how_do_we_know_there_are_no_women_in_heaven/
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My favourite Spongbob character is like sex on the beach

Sandy Cheeks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dmsj/my_favourite_spongbob_character_is_like_sex_on/
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What Do You Call a Rich Clown

Penny Wise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dk3t/what_do_you_call_a_rich_clown/
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Why do Asian parents want their children to have high grades?

Because they're​ Asian, not Bsian nor Csian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69djvw/why_do_asian_parents_want_their_children_to_have/
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Woman: Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day. What can I give him?

Doctor: My phone number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69djfo/woman_doctor_my_husband_wants_intense_sex_all_day/
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What's black, burnt and hanging from the ceiling?

A blonde electrician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dirt/whats_black_burnt_and_hanging_from_the_ceiling/
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Text and drive?

Oh cell no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dh6y/text_and_drive/
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An old man is walking through a crowded cafeteria...

Blocking the exit is a man with 14 children.
The old man scowls and makes his way through the children, but his metal cane hits some of the childrens' legs as well as the man's legs.
The man angrily says "Hey, could you put some rubber on that tip of yours! You're bangin' us up!"
The old man haughtily replies "If you had done that before then we wouldn't be in this situation!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dh59/an_old_man_is_walking_through_a_crowded_cafeteria/
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You know what makes the Antichrist a bad guy?

He turns wine into water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dew3/you_know_what_makes_the_antichrist_a_bad_guy/
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When I bit into my sandwich, I broke my teeth

Never ask your chemist friend to make you a PB & J.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dd56/when_i_bit_into_my_sandwich_i_broke_my_teeth/
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In Germany we have the best street: The Autobahn

No speed limit there.
And we have the best club: Berghain.
Also no speed limit there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69dc36/in_germany_we_have_the_best_street_the_autobahn/
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What do you do with a sick chemist?

You can't curium or helium so you have to barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69d6xu/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
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How is smoking cigarettes like eating pussy?

The closer you get to the butt the more it tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69d43o/how_is_smoking_cigarettes_like_eating_pussy/
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What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

That wasn't my fault.
Courtesy of my 11 year old daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69cxhg/what_did_one_earthquake_say_to_the_other/
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What do you call a bisexual prostitute?

An omniwhore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69co6z/what_do_you_call_a_bisexual_prostitute/
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Words that start with "S" suck.

Girl: Tom, I've come to realize something about the letter s.
Boy: Tell me.
Girl: Words that start with s suck.
Boy: What do you mean?
Girl: Well, snakes suck. So does a sting, and so does getting stabbed.
Boy: Well, Sally, if thats the case I'd like to have you over tonight for dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69cnp7/words_that_start_with_s_suck/
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What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69cmg5/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_cant_draw/
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I found out today that diarrhea was hereditary!

Apparently, it runs in your Jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69cjys/i_found_out_today_that_diarrhea_was_hereditary/
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I think therefore I am.

Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69cgwy/i_think_therefore_i_am/
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What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending​ con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69cg76/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_walking_down/
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A man walked into a bar

He took a seat and the bartender said"Give it back".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69cfx8/a_man_walked_into_a_bar/
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Porn buffering is their way to tell you...

"We did not think you would last beyond this point"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69cfj2/porn_buffering_is_their_way_to_tell_you/
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A woman brings her duck to the vet...

The vet lays it on the table and says, "Ma'am, I'm afraid your duck is dead."
"No it's not! He was fine in the car, I swear! I want proof!" So the vet leaves, and then walks back in with a black lab. The dog walks up to the duck, sniffs it and turns his head. Then the vet brings in a kitten, and it runs up to the duck, pawing at its wings.
"Hmm.." the vet says, "Looks like it really is dead. That'll be $550."
"What?! You're going to make me pay $550 just to tell me my duck is dead??" The woman screams.
"Well, ma'am, it was $5 for the check up and $545 for the lab results and the cat scan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69cffe/a_woman_brings_her_duck_to_the_vet/
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Hey girl are you Dumbledore?

Because you can be my headmaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69c4yw/hey_girl_are_you_dumbledore/
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So my wife said she is sick of all the Star Wars jokes ...

I said, just wait until tomorrow - it's the Revenge of the the Fifth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69c4a4/so_my_wife_said_she_is_sick_of_all_the_star_wars/
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69c2kl/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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A woman visits the gynaecologist for the first time...

Her legs are up in the stirrups and she looks very uncomfortable. The doctor says, "You look nervous. Would you like me to numb you down there before the exam?"
She looks relieved and says "Yes, please."
So, the doctor puts his head between her legs and goes num, num, num.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69c1mh/a_woman_visits_the_gynaecologist_for_the_first/
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I was asked by a feminist how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently, "in HD" is not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69c08n/i_was_asked_by_a_feminist_how_i_view_lesbian/
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May the force be...

... Equal to Mass times Acceleration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69bxth/may_the_force_be/
%
Got a condom still unused from my 18th birthday, I'm 40...

Wish I'd used it because my kids are fucking annoying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69bwqf/got_a_condom_still_unused_from_my_18th_birthday/
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My wife told me she can only have sex with me in the dark because she can't stand the sight of me.

Since then I haven't been paying our electric bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69bw5p/my_wife_told_me_she_can_only_have_sex_with_me_in/
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If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of Ho Malone

It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69bunc/if_youve_heard_of_post_malone_maybe_youve_heard/
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Win this jar of money!

A guys walks into a bar after a long day at work. On the bar, he see a jar full of money, all twenties. On it it says "Win this jar of Money! Just ask the Bartender." He asks, "Hey, what's up with this jar?"
"Oh, well you have three tasks I would need you to finish and you can win all that money, with a small donation to the jar, of course." explained the Bartender.
"Well, what are they?"
"First, you see that bouncer over there. Go punch him." This guys was huge, like Kevin Nash big.
"You are crazy." he laughed
"Second, there is a dog in the bed of my buddies truck, he has a horrible tooth ache and I need you to pull it out." Our guest looks outside and see's the meanest looking dog he has ever seen. Foam out of that mouth and all.
"That is just plain stupid." Our guest exclaimed
"Last, this regular of mine, a real nice old dame." the bartender point to the end of the bar at this old, decrepit shrew that had to be in her late 80's. "Go fuck her."
"DUDE! that's just gross! No way."
So after awhile and quite a few drinks, he stares at the very large jar of money and decided to try. He donates to the jar and takes a shot, goes up to the bouncer and punches him as hard as he could. Obviously, he gets his ass beat.
He comes back to the bar with a bloody nose and asks for a couple more shots. Now being completely piss-drunk and with whatever bravery he has, he ventured out to help the dog. You hear barking outside and a loud yelp and him screaming.
Our guest comes back inside with a bloody arm and ripped clothes and asks "Alright, where's the old lady with the sore tooth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69bs49/win_this_jar_of_money/
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I like my beer the way I like my violence...

Domestic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69bpk8/i_like_my_beer_the_way_i_like_my_violence/
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You are not supposed to twist measuring sticks to measure curves

But I've always been willing to bend the rulers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69bnrt/you_are_not_supposed_to_twist_measuring_sticks_to/
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Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

Because Six, Seven ate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69bnbi/why_was_yoda_afraid_of_7/
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The people at my school are very PC and its so annoying

I can't go five minutes without someone asking me if I'd like to update windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69blfu/the_people_at_my_school_are_very_pc_and_its_so/
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How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

2. One to change the bulb, and the other to hold the penis -I mean, ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69biy1/how_many_freudian_analysts_does_it_take_to_change/
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What time is it when your fighting rooster wins its first match?

1-0'cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69bhxg/what_time_is_it_when_your_fighting_rooster_wins/
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A man at a bar spots two beautiful woman at a table nearby.

He turns to the bartender and says "I would like to buy those women a drink."
The bartender looks over and, recognizing the women, replies "I don't know, they might not be interested."
But the man is persistent, and the bartender shrugs and delivers the drinks. After a minute of nothing but some awkward glances, the man walks up and introduces himself, asking "How are you ladies enjoying your drinks?"
The first woman responds "Thank you, and I'm flattered, but you see, we're lesbians."
The man, confused as he had never heard the term before, asks "A lesbian, whats that?"
The second woman, annoyed, bluntly states "It means we like to eat pussy."
The man suddenly brightens up, sits himself down at the table, and shouts to the bar "Hey! Three drinks for us lesbians!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69benb/a_man_at_a_bar_spots_two_beautiful_woman_at_a/
%
Why isn't there any beautiful girl in computer science?

Because they're all 0's and 1's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69bcbz/why_isnt_there_any_beautiful_girl_in_computer/
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What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69bc7u/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
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What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69bbfg/whats_the_difference_between_paul_walker_and_my/
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What do you call a Muslim who always makes mistakes?

Errorist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69b9qy/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_who_always_makes/
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The country of Ohms is run by a brutal dictator.

Due to the suppression of their rights, the citizens of Ohms frequently rise up and attempt to storm the gates of the capital city. However, the dictator always has just the right number of mercenaries to repel the rebels and cause the survivors to disperse for a few months or so.
The dictator accomplishes this by sending a scout out whenever he gets the news of a pending revolution. The scout locates the place where the revolutionaries are meeting, and counts them. For every revolutionary with a rifle, or every two revolutionaries without a rifle, the dictator hires a mercenary.
This way, the dictator can just about stop the attack without having to spend too much money on hiring soldiers to defend the city.
The moral of the story is that the current resistance is measured in Ohms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69b9ju/the_country_of_ohms_is_run_by_a_brutal_dictator/
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A bunch of nuns die from something and go to heaven

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69b71c/a_bunch_of_nuns_die_from_something_and_go_to/
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What's the best part of killing a prostitiute?

The second hour is free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69b61b/whats_the_best_part_of_killing_a_prostitiute/
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What's the most commonly played song at a strip club in Iraq?

Baghdad ass up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69b5k1/whats_the_most_commonly_played_song_at_a_strip/
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Went to the bathroom, only to discover my midget girlfriend didn't flush the toilet.

What a little shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69b4g6/went_to_the_bathroom_only_to_discover_my_midget/
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(NSFW) A man and his wife got into bed for the night

The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier". The husband said "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69b40m/nsfw_a_man_and_his_wife_got_into_bed_for_the_night/
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The Next President..(old joke)

George W. Bush wants to secure his second term as a President, so orders his staff to make a research about other leaders of the world to find some useful information.
The staff looks around and sees that Hosni Mubarak of Egypt wins every election with 99% for the last 25 years. They think that this is remarkable and contact with his aides to ask about the story of such consistent success.
Egyptians don't talk much but they agree to help. “Just call us 1 week before the elections and let us inside the Federal Elections HQ. And don't disturb us for 48 hours prior to the announcement of official results.”
Americans agree and go with their way. Time passes and two Egyptian guys come 1 week before the elections as agreed and start working. Final day comes, polls close and the official result is declared: 99% Hosni Mubarak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69b1fd/the_next_presidentold_joke/
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Your mother is so FAT

She can't even recognise files larger than 4 gigabytes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69azkz/your_mother_is_so_fat/
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Girl, are you a windows update?

Because I hate you already!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69axpf/girl_are_you_a_windows_update/
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A married couple had a deadbeat son.

An married couple had a son in his late 20s still living at home. The parents were concerned that they're son showed a disinterest with pursuing settling down getting on with his life.
The son was working at his part-time job at a pizza place. The dad, at home, said, "I have an idea." He laid out a handful of hundred dollar bills, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey
His wife said, "what's this for?"
The husband, "This will give us an idea of what path our son will take. If he takes the money, he's going to be a successful businessman. If he takes the Bible, he's going to be a preacher. But, if he takes the Whiskey, our son will be a deadbeat drunkard."
With the son coming home any minute, the couple hid in the closet to see which item their son will choose.
The son comes home, sees the items lying on the table. He grabs the wad of cash, skims through it, and puts it in his pocket. He grabs the Bible, skims through it for a good while, and puts it in his back pocket. He grabs the bottle of whiskey, opens it, smells the aroma as if it were a fine wine, then drinks half the bottle and takes it with him as he leaves the room.
"Now what?" The wife asked. "Our son took them all!"
"It's even worse than I thought," the father replied. "He's going to be a politician!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69awv4/a_married_couple_had_a_deadbeat_son/
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An Famous Statistician

A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated that the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was one in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day, a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about the possibility of a bomb?"
"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of two bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So now I bring my own bomb along!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69au7s/an_famous_statistician/
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Don't make fun of Kim Jong Un just because of his condition.

It's not his fault he suffers from projectile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69atjn/dont_make_fun_of_kim_jong_un_just_because_of_his/
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Did you hear about the Nazi bovine insemination program?

It was called Dachau Farm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69asjm/did_you_hear_about_the_nazi_bovine_insemination/
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Officer - How high are you?

Me - No officer, it's "Hi, how are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69aqb7/officer_how_high_are_you/
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What kind of chicken does Jesus like?

Crucifried

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69al09/what_kind_of_chicken_does_jesus_like/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69akwf/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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I was in the bank the other day..

and this sweet old lady asked me if I could help check her balance.
So I pushed her and she fell over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69ae9p/i_was_in_the_bank_the_other_day/
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Just told a guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up

... and everyone applauded me, so I told them to shut the fuck up too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69a7bb/just_told_a_guy_talking_on_his_phone_in_the/
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What did the water vapor say when the cloud told it to make the grass wet?

"Don't tell me what to dew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69a5jh/what_did_the_water_vapor_say_when_the_cloud_told/
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Why did the Necromancer with a gambling problem get kicked out of the Slaughterhouse...

He kept raising the steaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69a5fd/why_did_the_necromancer_with_a_gambling_problem/
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69a5dh/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_tree/
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What did the maxi pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69a4li/what_did_the_maxi_pad_say_to_the_fart/
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My uncle in Mexico is pretty upset about Trump's border wall...

But he'll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69a439/my_uncle_in_mexico_is_pretty_upset_about_trumps/
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What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?

They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69a0h6/what_do_disney_world_and_viagra_have_in_common/
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Three men died on Christmas Eve.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/699ymj/three_men_died_on_christmas_eve/
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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/699t8b/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
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Two men were playing golf when a funeral procession walked by.

One of the men took off his cap, bowed his head and closed his eyes in contemplation.
His opponent commented, "That is one of the most touching things I've seen. You are a very feeling man."
The man, recovering himself, replied, "Yeah, well, we were married for 20 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/699rr3/two_men_were_playing_golf_when_a_funeral/
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A man asks his wife if she has ever been unfaithful.

An old man asked his wife, “Martha, we’ve soon been married for 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you… Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”
Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening when I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that… You saved our home after all. But what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/699pw7/a_man_asks_his_wife_if_she_has_ever_been/
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A man suspects that his wife has been cheating on him.

He comes home early from work one day and hears noises coming from the bedroom. When he goes into the bedroom, he's met by his wife wearing nothing but her bath robe. A long argument ensues after him accusing her of cheating, and her denying it. He starts throwing things out the window in a fit of rage. First smaller things, like his wife's clothes. Then he moves on to bigger things, like a chair, a table, and their wardrobe. Finally, he says "That's it. I've had enough of your lies, you skank! I can't live like this anymore!", grabs his gun out of the closet, and blows his brains out. Moments later, he appears lined up behind other recently deceased men and women in front of the gates to heaven. He says to the man in front of him: "What's going on? Where are we? Last thing I remember, I was arguing with my wife and I shot myself." The man turns to him and replies: "You think that's rough? I was banging some chick before she shoved me in a wardrobe. And then, to make things worse, some asshole threw me out the window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/699nao/a_man_suspects_that_his_wife_has_been_cheating_on/
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What's the difference between light and hard?

It's possible to sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/699ko0/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
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What's the difference between a repost and a shitpost?

Nothing. So stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/699itf/whats_the_difference_between_a_repost_and_a/
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How many cannibals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10.. er, I mean 9... oh wait 8, nope, 7 I guess... no 6... no 5...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/699g1f/how_many_cannibals_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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My friend thinks he's smart. He said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/699bmu/my_friend_thinks_hes_smart_he_said_onions_are_the/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for The Fresh Prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/699adu/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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Sex must be some cruel joke.

... I still don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6998ae/sex_must_be_some_cruel_joke/
%
so poor

A man complains to his wife saying, "We're so poor we can't even afford punchlines to our jokes!" And she says

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6993hj/so_poor/
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What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6991d4/what_do_you_call_someone_who_refuses_to_fart_in/
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In 1272, Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/699178/in_1272_arabic_muslims_invented_the_condom_using/
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I’ve spent a lot of my life in brothels.

I’m not proud of it, but it pays the bills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698zpa/ive_spent_a_lot_of_my_life_in_brothels/
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How did Captain Hook die?

He wiped with the wrong hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698vl6/how_did_captain_hook_die/
%
What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698u6u/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
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What website do you go to in order to find the plans to the Death Star?

Wookie Leaks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698t5v/what_website_do_you_go_to_in_order_to_find_the/
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The Priest & the Drunkard

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin sticks out of his torn coat pocket.
He opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"It's caused by loose living, cheap women and too much alcohol!"
"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest thinks about what he has said, nudges the man and apologizes. "I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698sqk/the_priest_the_drunkard/
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I usually scream and curse a lot in the dental clinic

Just to fuck with my patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698s9x/i_usually_scream_and_curse_a_lot_in_the_dental/
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What do the mafia and vaginas have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698rnm/what_do_the_mafia_and_vaginas_have_in_common/
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Last month, I applied for a zookeeper position in Australia. Today, I found out that the application was unsucessful.

Perhaps I don't have the right koalafications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698qkt/last_month_i_applied_for_a_zookeeper_position_in/
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Car gets pulled over...

Cop approaches the driver's window and asks the driver:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Driver: No idea, officer!
Driver's wife: Liar! I told you to slow down when you hit 100 miles per hour, but nooooooo, you had to show off!!!!!!!
Driver (to his wife): SHUT! THE! F*CK! UP!!!!
Cop: I also notice you don't have your seatbelt on, sir.
Driver: Oh, sorry, officer, I was reaching for my wallet to get my license and had to unbuckle
Wife: OH MY GOD, WHAT A LIAR!!! I asked you to buckle up and you ignored me!
Driver (to his wife): SHUT! THE! F*CK! UP!!!!
At this point cop walks around to passenger side and asks man's wife: Madam, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: Oh, no, no officer. Only when he's drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698pw7/car_gets_pulled_over/
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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698pd2/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
Three men had just died...

...and went to Hell. Lucifer happily gives them a tour before stopping beside a row of three doors. At the first door, the Devil bade the first person to enter, whilst asking, "If you had one wish for anything in the world, what would it be?" The first man immediately blurted, "I want an endless supply of all the most delicious foods ever!" The devil laughed and ushered them in with a, "Granted." The door was locked. The same happened with the second person. The second man replied, "I want all the most beautiful women in the world, to keep me company." The Devil laughed, ushered him in, and locked the door. The third man thought long on the Devil's question, and finally answered, "I would like to have and an endless supply of the dankest, and best greenage in the entire world." The Devil nodded and happily locked him up, just the same as the other two--with their respective wishes. Eons passed, and finally, the Devil went to go check on the three 'new' residents. He opened the first door: the first man was now obese beyond belief, surrounded by rotting and fresh foods. The man begged for freedom, all he was given was the same laugh as before. The second door was opened: A man who was surrounded by old hags and thousands of babies (its been a while) screamed for freedom. All he got was the laugh and a locked door. Then the Devil opened the third door: The third man walked up to the Devil and said, "Hey, Lucy. You got a light?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698p0s/three_men_had_just_died/
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Everyone's always accusing me of being a sexist!

But I'm pretty sure my penis is a feminist. It's super into women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698omf/everyones_always_accusing_me_of_being_a_sexist/
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Busses are like my dad.

They're never here when they said they'd be, and I don't have a number to call to ask where they are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698o5z/busses_are_like_my_dad/
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I asked the priest whether it was normal to masturbate during a marriage.

“No," He said, "I just find your bride very attractive.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698nh0/i_asked_the_priest_whether_it_was_normal_to/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698l1t/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698kdd/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeves/
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This economy is getting so bad, I had to pose nude for a magazine

I'm never going back to *that* newsstand!
-Emo Philips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698gta/this_economy_is_getting_so_bad_i_had_to_pose_nude/
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A little boy asks his dad "Where does poo come from?"

His father is taken aback by the question but decides to give his son the facts straight up.
"Well son," he says, "food passes down the esophagus by peristalsis. It enters the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This contracts the protein before waste enters the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it enters the rectum  finally to emerge as poo."
"Wow," says the boy. "So where does Tigger come from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698g7b/a_little_boy_asks_his_dad_where_does_poo_come_from/
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One of my favorite jew jokes.

3 Jewish mothers get together for lunch one day at a fancy restaurant on the upper east side in Manhattan. They haven't seen each other in years, so the conversation naturally, turns to their sons. The first one says, "My Moishe...he's the best doctor in all of New York. Celebrities see him. Michael Bloomberg, Steven Spielberg, everyone. He's paying for this lunch." The second one says, "Well, my Boruch, he's the best lawyer in New York. Everyone who needs to get off for crimes goes to him. He's paying for the Rolls Royce that we'll be going home on." They both look at the third one, who sighs and says "Well, my Simcha, he's a gay." "Oy vey!," scream the other two. "Rachel, how can you be ok with this?!" Rachel smiles and says "Well, one thing does make it better: he has not one but two rich boyfriends. One's the best doctor in New York and the other's the best lawyer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698fqc/one_of_my_favorite_jew_jokes/
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Did you know that Wookies can't smoke?

But they can *chewbacca*
May the Fourth be with you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698feq/did_you_know_that_wookies_cant_smoke/
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Why did the angry Jedi cross the road?

To get to the Dark Side.
Happy May 4th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698exp/why_did_the_angry_jedi_cross_the_road/
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A girl brings her new fiance home to meet her parents for the very first time.

So a girl brings her new fiancee home to meet her parents. Boy looks like a hipster (scarf, big bushy beard, etc.) Understandably, her father would like to know the boy better and so he takes him to his study for a private conversation.
Dad: "So, John. What do you do for a living?"
Fiancee: "Well, I'm an artist."
D: "So you're doing well?"
F: "I paint, and god provides me with all I need to live."
So the dad is a bit confused.
D: "And what will you do when you marry my daughter? Will your art provide for the two of you?"
F: "I will paint, and god will provide for us."
D: "And when you have kids?"
F: "I will paint, and god will provide for my family."
The dad nods and walks out of the study. Outside, his daughter is anxiously waiting for him.
Daughter: "So, daddy? What'd you think of him? He's great, isn't he?"
"Well, sweetie," says the father, "I don't like his job choice. But, on the other hand, I LOVE what he calls me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698bep/a_girl_brings_her_new_fiance_home_to_meet_her/
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I was watching tv last night...

and one of those ads came on with one of those little black African babies covered in flies. I immediately grabbed the phone and called the number on the screen. I had to have one, they work so much better than those sticky strips that hang from the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698a6g/i_was_watching_tv_last_night/
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Why must a chicken coupe have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6989o5/why_must_a_chicken_coupe_have_2_doors/
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[Long] One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/698874/long_one_day_einstein_has_to_speak_at_an/
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Damn girl are you a windows update?

'Cause I'll do you later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6987uf/damn_girl_are_you_a_windows_update/
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After a year of hard work, I finally have the body I want.

He won't be missed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6986vt/after_a_year_of_hard_work_i_finally_have_the_body/
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?

He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6986t2/what_does_a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac_do_at/
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A friend of mine jointed a nudist camp last week

he said the first day was the hardest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6986qt/a_friend_of_mine_jointed_a_nudist_camp_last_week/
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The trouble with political jokes is

that they sometimes get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69848h/the_trouble_with_political_jokes_is/
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My 16 year old daughter introduced her boyfriend

My 16 year old daughter came home today and said:
"Dad, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend Mike."
"Are you kidding me?!" I said, "What the fuck are you doing with this ugly loser? Don't scrape the barrel, you can do much better than this!"
"Dad!!" my daughter screamed, "Mike is lovely!"
"I know." I replied "I was talking to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6983lu/my_16_year_old_daughter_introduced_her_boyfriend/
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My grandfather once told me, "your generation is too reliant on technology."

So I said, "No, your generation is too reliant on technology!" and unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6980yu/my_grandfather_once_told_me_your_generation_is/
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the joke I tell to people I dont like

one day a father comes home and invites his kid to a circus. The kid is extatic because all of his life he has always wanted to see a real clown. they get to the circus and are sitting in the bleachers. He sees elephants, tigers, and trapeeze artists, but he is still waiting on seats edge for his chance to see a clown. all of a sudden he hears a "beep beep" and sees it.....  A clown car
It drives around the three rings and parks all crazy in the center. all of a sudden 1 clown, 2 clowns, 3 clowns come out of this little car! more and more until there is a dozen clowns! the kid cant believe it, its amazing!
The first clown grabs the mic and anounces to the whole audiance
"we need a volunteer!"
The boy raises his and stretching so hard is arm goes numb, and the clown points right at him! The boy cant believe his ears
He runs down the isle and into the center ring.
The clowns says "welcome welcome
I have a question for you can you help me out?"
the boy exclaimes "YES"
The clown bends down and asks
"are you a horses eye?"
"of course not" says the boy
"are you a horses ear?" asks the clown
"well no...." says the boy
"THEN YOU MUST BE A HORSES ASS!!!"
The whole circus erupts in laughter and the boy is standing there flabergasted. he starts crying and forever swears off clowns.
10 years later the boy now a man hears the circus is in town. He thinks now is the time for my revenge. He gets a ticket and a week later is sitting in the bleachers
He sees the elephants, tigers, and trapeeze artists, but he is still waiting the clowns. all of a sudden he hears a "beep beep" and sees it.....  A clown car
his eyes go wide. It drives around the three rings and parks in the center. all of a sudden 1 clown, 2 clowns, 3 clowns come out of this little car! more and more until there is a dozen clowns
the same clown asks for a volunteer, the man raises his hand, and gets called down
he makes his way to the center
The clowns says "welcome welcome
I have a question for you can you help me out?"
the boy exclaimes "YES"
The clown turns to him and asks
"are you a horses eye?"
"no" says the man
"are you a horses ear?" asks the clown
"no" says the man
"THEN YOU MUST BE A HORSES ASS!!!"
This is the moment the man has been waiting for. He summons all of his curage, his want his embarrasssment turns to the clown and belows for all to hear "FUCK YOU CLOWN"
tl;dnr
now you may be thing that joke just wasted 10 minutes of my life... and that is entirely the point. I love this joke and only tell it to people that deserve it, you must embelish everything, over describe, flourish your voice, use grand gestures, and at the end of it flip off a chosen person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6980tb/the_joke_i_tell_to_people_i_dont_like/
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What happens when a frog parks illegally?

It gets toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697zzh/what_happens_when_a_frog_parks_illegally/
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A friend bet me that I couldn't turn spaghetti into a motor vehicle

She was really mad when I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697yci/a_friend_bet_me_that_i_couldnt_turn_spaghetti/
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A tale of 2 Beggars

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldman brothers about marketing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697vy7/a_tale_of_2_beggars/
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The Pink Panther's To Do list

- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697uif/the_pink_panthers_to_do_list/
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A man, his girl and his nights.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something his girl says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697r2r/a_man_his_girl_and_his_nights/
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A wife yells at her husband

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"
Husband : "what did I do?"
Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"
Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"
Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697r1x/a_wife_yells_at_her_husband/
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She called me ugly, until she saw my personal savings.

Now she calls me ugly and broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697qbd/she_called_me_ugly_until_she_saw_my_personal/
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What's a police officer's favorite Star Wars movie?

The Empire Strikes Blacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697pyb/whats_a_police_officers_favorite_star_wars_movie/
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What is the difference between priest and con-artist?

Priest are so good they fooled themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697pso/what_is_the_difference_between_priest_and/
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Why should you not believe anything a constipated person says?

Because they're always full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697omx/why_should_you_not_believe_anything_a_constipated/
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Someone I faintly know said to me

"I see you don't cut your hair any longer".
"Of course not you silly twat, I cut it shorter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697o7g/someone_i_faintly_know_said_to_me/
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Bad puns

That's how eye roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697nip/bad_puns/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common...

It's a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697mz9/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
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Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, if they don't like what you have to say you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697kv1/never_criticize_someone_until_youve_walked_a_mile/
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I came home from shopping today...

to find my wife and her two fat mates eating doritos on the couch, I mumbled under my breath "fat fucking cows" she said "what did you just say?!" I replied "you herd"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697jtt/i_came_home_from_shopping_today/
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Lady jumps out of the shower and door bell rings...

\- "Who is it?" she yells, trying to find her robe.
\- "It's the blind man"
The lady goes to the door topless and opens it.
\- "Nice tits lady! Now, where do you want your blinds installed?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697jsp/lady_jumps_out_of_the_shower_and_door_bell_rings/
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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697icl/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
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How do you call a gay Russian aristocrat?

Sir Gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697i67/how_do_you_call_a_gay_russian_aristocrat/
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If I had a nickel for every racist joke I've heard

I'd have a giant pile of 3 cent pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697epb/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_racist_joke_ive_heard/
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What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well, The flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697eb7/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
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Poor mermaid

Paddy English man, Irish man and Welsh man are on the beach. They see a mermaid sitting on a rock. The most beautiful creature they had ever seen.
English man goes up and asks, have you every been kissed? The mermaid is all coy and says no. English man gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek.Welsh man goes up and asks, have you ever been hugged. Again the mermaid says no so he hugs her.
Irish man rocks up and asks, Ever been fucked? The mermaid goes a bit red in the face and says no.To which Irish man replies, you are now, the tides gone out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697bbi/poor_mermaid/
%
Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6979v7/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
I asked my babysitter from 15 years ago if she remembered how hard it was to get me in bed.

I told her it that it would be much easyier now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69773r/i_asked_my_babysitter_from_15_years_ago_if_she/
%
One of my neighbours has stopped talking to me after I accused him of stealing from my back garden...

...I think he took a fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/697629/one_of_my_neighbours_has_stopped_talking_to_me/
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I just found out i'm colorblind..

I'm shocked.. it totally came out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6975pk/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/
%
What do you call a scarecrow who's really good at his job?

Outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69751v/what_do_you_call_a_scarecrow_whos_really_good_at/
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A little boy takes his cat to school...

The teacher asked Jimmy "why do you have your cat at school today?" Jimmy replied crying "because I heard my daddy tell mommy 'I'm going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6974ub/a_little_boy_takes_his_cat_to_school/
%
Man walks into a bar with a salamander.

The bartender says, "Nice lizard. What's its name?"
"I call him Tiny because he's my newt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6971zj/man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_salamander/
%
Where do Sith lords go to do their shopping?

The Darth Mall
May the 4th be with you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6971a2/where_do_sith_lords_go_to_do_their_shopping/
%
My friend started a company that digs rocks and minerals..

He's just mining his own business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69715x/my_friend_started_a_company_that_digs_rocks_and/
%
I went to the doctor for some help dealing with my premature ejaculation.

He gave me some advice, a few brochures to read, and a prescription for some medication that might help.
Two weeks later, he called me to ask how it was going.
I said, "It's still touch and go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69709p/i_went_to_the_doctor_for_some_help_dealing_with/
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If a lady doth entertain many a suitor in a fortnight, she is of questionable moral character...

But should a gentleman follow suit, a true and confirmed bachelor is *that* dear fellow!  Huzzah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696yjk/if_a_lady_doth_entertain_many_a_suitor_in_a/
%
A young muslim in saudi arabia is wondering if he is allowed to some marijuana. So, he visits his local mosque and asks his Imam if it's permissible, so the Imam told him:

No. In our country, only gays get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696xwh/a_young_muslim_in_saudi_arabia_is_wondering_if_he/
%
I stayed up all night wondering where the Sun went

and then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696xsk/i_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_where_the_sun_went/
%
What do you call a chef with one eye?

Chief

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696xjd/what_do_you_call_a_chef_with_one_eye/
%
Why was the pig in the kitchen?

He was bakin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696x8y/why_was_the_pig_in_the_kitchen/
%
My son was thrown out of school for letting a girl wank him of...

I said: "son that's three schools this year... maybe teaching isn't for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696vgi/my_son_was_thrown_out_of_school_for_letting_a/
%
What was Santa feeling while stuck in the chimney?

He was feeling claus-trophobic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696v6c/what_was_santa_feeling_while_stuck_in_the_chimney/
%
I became a proud dad today...

My son is actually four, but he was a boring little cunt for the first three years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696u9l/i_became_a_proud_dad_today/
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My dad is an amazing dad

When I was 5 he left to go get his "Dad badge" he has never came back, so he must be looking hard just for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696tt0/my_dad_is_an_amazing_dad/
%
Two guys are on survival training

And it's been days with no food. They've tried snare traps, they've tried fishing with spears. Still nothing. Each night as they light their campfire, they cautiously cook plants, but within hours they are sick. Finally, one of the guys says, "let's try eating wood."  He starts breaking up pieces of branches but just before he starts to cook them his friend exclaims, "STOP!"
"That's a non-stick pan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696qtt/two_guys_are_on_survival_training/
%
Did you hear about the kilt maker that went to prison?

He had quite the chequered past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696q4l/did_you_hear_about_the_kilt_maker_that_went_to/
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What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696mv3/whats_the_difference_between_three_dicks_and_a/
%
The gnomes

One time a man was driving on the road when he got stopped by a gnome with red clothes.
The gnome said" I'm a red gnome and I want a strawberry". The man gave him a strawberry and went on his business.
Later he got stopped by a gnome with yellow clothes.
The gnome said:" I'm a yellow gnome and I want a banana". The man, slightly annoyed, gave him a banana and continued to drive.
He then got stopped by a gnome with blue clothes.
The man, now pissed, said to him:" Let me guess, you're a blue gnome and you want a blueberry"
The blue gnome then said:" sir, please step out of the car"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696lim/the_gnomes/
%
I think my phone might want to break up with me...

It keeps telling me it needs some space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696l6a/i_think_my_phone_might_want_to_break_up_with_me/
%
A man had been stranded on a desert island for ten years

A cruise ship happens to spot his smoke signals and and immediately stops at the island and rescues him.
Once they greet the man ashore, the captain asks if the newly rescued man wouldn't mind giving them a small tour of the home he'd made for himself.
The man obliges,  and shows him the place he stores his food, where he keeps his firewood, and shows them 3 little huts he'd built for himself.
"Why do you need 3 huts if you're by yourself?" The captain asks.
"Well the first hut is my house. I sleep and eat there. The 2nd hut is my church. I'm very religious, and every 7 days I go there to pray and sing hymns to God."
"And what about the 3rd hut?"
The man looks at the third hut with disgust. "Oh, that's the church I *used* to go to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696kc7/a_man_had_been_stranded_on_a_desert_island_for/
%
A genie asked, "What’s your first wish?"

Steve answered, "I wish I was rich."
And the genie said, "What’s your second wish, Rich?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696jbs/a_genie_asked_whats_your_first_wish/
%
News: Trump would be “honoured” to meet North Korean dictator.

“He’s my kind of guy — crazy, overweight and has a ridiculous haircut.” Said North Korea’s dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696j4f/news_trump_would_be_honoured_to_meet_north_korean/
%
"When a man opens a car door for his wife...

it's either a new car or a new wife."
Prince Philip quote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696j1w/when_a_man_opens_a_car_door_for_his_wife/
%
Go bungee jumping for free!

No strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696gyh/go_bungee_jumping_for_free/
%
Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”

Doctor: “How come?”
Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696fo7/lady_to_her_doctor_what_l_am_worried_about_is_my/
%
The last rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man. He kneels down, leans over the injured and intones in a solemn voice: "B - 4, I - 19, N - 38, G - 54,. . . “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696ecn/the_last_rites/
%
People say that laughter is the best medicine…

your face must be curing the world!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696bkk/people_say_that_laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
%
Some people find whiteboards boring...

Personally, I find them remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6968jd/some_people_find_whiteboards_boring/
%
Two brothers have dinner shortly after Christmas. NSFW

One is incredibly wealthy and the other can barely afford rent. Over dinner, they share stories about their Christmas and what they gifted their respective wives.
The rich brother relays how he bought his wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz for Christmas.
'Oh wow, why did you get her both?' asked the poor sibling.
'Well in case she doesn't like her diamond ring she can drive it back to the store in her Mercedes.' replied the rich brother.
The poor brother gave a wry smile and proceeded to tell what he got his wife for Christmas.
'I actually bought my wife a pair of socks and a dildo'
The rich brother couldn't hide his confusion.
'Oh okay...why did you get her both?'
'Well just in case she doesn't like her socks, she can go fuck herself'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6966ku/two_brothers_have_dinner_shortly_after_christmas/
%
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, Comcast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6966dl/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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A man and woman go to marriage counseling

Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?
Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.
Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6964nk/a_man_and_woman_go_to_marriage_counseling/
%
My teacher wanted me to come up with a set of steps that we could use to save the environment...

So I created an Al Gore-ithm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6964c4/my_teacher_wanted_me_to_come_up_with_a_set_of/
%
Where do we get virgin wool?

From *ugly* sheep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/696381/where_do_we_get_virgin_wool/
%
What fish tastes best with peanut butter?

A jellyfish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6961vl/what_fish_tastes_best_with_peanut_butter/
%
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6961ae/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_luke_got_him_for/
%
What is the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy and the otherone is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695zm1/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
A man is waiting patiently for the doctor

The doctor enters the room and says, "I have good news and bad news."
Worried, the man says, "give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "You're having a disease named after you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695xz9/a_man_is_waiting_patiently_for_the_doctor/
%
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect boys-out trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going.
Rob's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what could they do?
Two days later, the three get to the camping site, only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who'?
I pulled her hands off and saw that she was wearing a brand new hot lingerie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to cuff her and tie her to the bed. I did.
And then she said, 'Now you can do what ever you want.'
So here I am....!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695wgh/four_friends_spend_weeks_planning_the_perfect/
%
What do you call a computer that sings?

A-dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695vna/what_do_you_call_a_computer_that_sings/
%
You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyway, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695r7w/you_know_when_you_get_that_urge_to_eat_something/
%
I burned my Hawaiian Pizza in the oven today

I guess I should've cooked it on Aloha temperature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695ol4/i_burned_my_hawaiian_pizza_in_the_oven_today/
%
What do you give the girl that's already got everything?

Antibiotics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695ocz/what_do_you_give_the_girl_thats_already_got/
%
Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick: "What school?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695lmj/mother_how_was_school_today_patrick/
%
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam....

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695knr/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for/
%
All girls are squirters..

Just have to know which artery to severe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695ip5/all_girls_are_squirters/
%
What has 140 metal teeth and holds back the world's biggest monster?

My zipper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695faq/what_has_140_metal_teeth_and_holds_back_the/
%
How do you know if a guy has a really high sperm count?

Having to chew before swallowing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695bid/how_do_you_know_if_a_guy_has_a_really_high_sperm/
%
Why do dogs run behind people?

Because people have bones in them.
(Not mine. My Kindergartener came up with this today).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695bfi/why_do_dogs_run_behind_people/
%
What do you call a bench full of white people?

NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695b0z/what_do_you_call_a_bench_full_of_white_people/
%
Did you hear about the two theives who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/695awc/did_you_hear_about_the_two_theives_who_stole_a/
%
So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.
Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."
Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says
"JOE THATS A NON STICK PAN"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6959ae/so_theres_these_two_beavers/
%
Holocaust Jokes

are poorly executed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69590k/holocaust_jokes/
%
Someone told me they wanted to be treated like a princess

So I put them in the back of a Mercedes and drove into a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6956n6/someone_told_me_they_wanted_to_be_treated_like_a/
%
What do you call a slow pastry?

A retart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6953o8/what_do_you_call_a_slow_pastry/
%
A man is incomplete until he is married

And then he is finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6952xt/a_man_is_incomplete_until_he_is_married/
%
What is a feminist's favorite penalty in hockey?

Too many men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6951pl/what_is_a_feminists_favorite_penalty_in_hockey/
%
Roman Jews

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from
the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a
religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews
won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert
or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent
them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the
Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that
the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there
is still only one God common to both our faiths.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all
around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that
God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect
sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an
apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and
I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had
three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews
but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6950jr/roman_jews/
%
There was a father and son..

The father is a war veteran. He also has a prosthetic leg. One day, his son asks..
"Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"
The father responds, "No, I got shot in the leggy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694z6x/there_was_a_father_and_son/
%
What do you call a group of hobbits?

The second breakfast club

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694wxf/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_hobbits/
%
What's another name for skeletons in the closet?

Hide and seek champions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694wcc/whats_another_name_for_skeletons_in_the_closet/
%
"Better late than never" works with any situation

Though not as much with funerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694tpj/better_late_than_never_works_with_any_situation/
%
What does a baby computer call his father?

Data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694tn9/what_does_a_baby_computer_call_his_father/
%
Why was the penguin broke?

His assets were frozen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694tlp/why_was_the_penguin_broke/
%
My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694syc/my_roommates_get_mad_when_i_steal_their_kitchen/
%
I befriended a feminist pen pal, but i don't think it's going so well...

She just keeps sending me hate male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694sx7/i_befriended_a_feminist_pen_pal_but_i_dont_think/
%
The Mirror

A nude woman is standing in front of her mirror
She is not happy with what she sees,
So she says to her husband
"I feel horrible, I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies,
"Well your eyesight is damn near perfect."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694rt2/the_mirror/
%
What do high school girls have in common with a tampon?

They are both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694qsh/what_do_high_school_girls_have_in_common_with_a/
%
Silence is golden

And it just so happens that duck tape is silver. Either way you will get silence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694pf6/silence_is_golden/
%
A little girl at school says to her teacher: “Miss, can my mummy get pregnant?"

“How old is your mother, dear?” asks the teacher.“Forty,” she replies.“Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.” The little girl then asks, “Can my big sister get pregnant?”. “Well, dear, how old is your sister?” The little girl answers, “Nineteen.” “Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.” The little girl then asks, “Can I get pregnant?”. “How old are you, dear?” The little girl answers, “I’m seven years old.” “No, dear, you can’t get pregnant." The little boy sitting behind the little girl taps her back and says, “See, I told you we had nothing to worry about.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694nfe/a_little_girl_at_school_says_to_her_teacher_miss/
%
Working at the car dealership.

I was working at a car dealership and it had just recently rained when a large tractor trailer slid off the road into the grassy ditch.  We decided to help pull it out so we hooked a chain to the tractor trailer and hooked the other end to one of the trucks we sell.  But our truck just got stuck in the mud and spun its wheels spraying mud everywhere.  So to get both trucks out we got another truck and hooked it into the first one and tried pulling both out.  It just spun its wheels and sprayed mud all over the first truck.  So we got yet another truck and hooked it in and it also got stuck. Finally, all the salesmen and some customers had hooked up a line of 10 trucks all trying to pull out the tractor trailer.  We started the whole line of trucks and revved them up all at the same time.  But unfortunately all the trucks got stuck and spun their wheels and sprayed mud all over the trucks.  The moral of this story is, you can't get any traction with a dirty pickup line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694mi5/working_at_the_car_dealership/
%
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?

Tenants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694kan/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_fill_an_apartment/
%
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694ial/why_dont_cannibals_eat_clowns/
%
Chicken

A chicken was recently admitted to Medical School, thanks to its handwriting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694dla/chicken/
%
I saw 4 gang members beating up a little kid

So I decided to step in, there's no chance he can take all 5 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694dl9/i_saw_4_gang_members_beating_up_a_little_kid/
%
If a girl fucks ten guys in a week she's a slut...

If a guy does it, he's gay. Definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/694axx/if_a_girl_fucks_ten_guys_in_a_week_shes_a_slut/
%
Why did the guitarist go to jail?

He fingered A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6949nv/why_did_the_guitarist_go_to_jail/
%
I hate violence ...

Makes me wanna beat the fuck out of someone...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6947ul/i_hate_violence/
%
My wife and I decided not to have any children...

Our children are taking it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6944s9/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_any_children/
%
I left my girlfriend to become an astronaut.

I told her I just needed space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6944rr/i_left_my_girlfriend_to_become_an_astronaut/
%
My girlfriend says she may break up with me because I don't like cats...

I told her, "I like cats, I just can't eat a whole one by myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6942wo/my_girlfriend_says_she_may_break_up_with_me/
%
Hi I'm Bill Gates! Today we're gonna learn how to count to 10.

1.01,1.02, 1.03, 1.04, 2.03, 2.10, 2.11, 3, 3.1, 3.2, 95, 98, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6942hn/hi_im_bill_gates_today_were_gonna_learn_how_to/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last very long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693xh6/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Two Pakistani beggars in London

Two beggars in London
Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London ...
Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib asks Ali :- 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Ali shows Habib his sign.... It reads,
'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693x41/two_pakistani_beggars_in_london/
%
A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than

a mutton for punishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693wsx/a_sacrificial_lamb_is_really_nothing_more_than/
%
What do you get when you put adderall into the gas tank of a Ford Fiesta?

A Ford Focus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693uyu/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_adderall_into_the/
%
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?

You would, too, if your name was hrhrnwodjbrke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693ts9/why_did_helen_kellers_dog_run_away/
%
I have six eyes, two mouths, and three ears. What am I?

Ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693rve/i_have_six_eyes_two_mouths_and_three_ears_what_am/
%
Shoelaces are like women.

If you do them too tight it's uncomfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693ras/shoelaces_are_like_women/
%
My mates call me "The Magician".

Whenever I open my mouth women disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693r86/my_mates_call_me_the_magician/
%
There was once a dog who wanted to be a bear....

Every day since early childhood, the dog would daydream about being a bear.
One day, the dog was strolling through the forest when he encountered a bear. Delighted, the dog asked the bear to convert him into bearhood.
The bear thought about it for a bit and agreed. He'd help the dog become a bear.
He skinned an old bear that had just died and dressed the dog in the bear skin. He offered the dog an important piece of advice - whatever you do and wherever you go, always remember that us bears are not like you dogs who greet each other's ass! Us bears kiss each other on the face!
And so the dog-turned-bear and the bear parted ways. The dog-turned-bear became very good at greeting each and every bear with the traditional bear hug and kiss on the face.
One day, the dog-turned-bear meets up with the original bear. He's about to greet him with the traditional bear hug and kiss on the face when the bear tells him...
Listen here buddy, I know who you are, you can kiss my ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693mi8/there_was_once_a_dog_who_wanted_to_be_a_bear/
%
A farmer is having a bad harvesting season.

Nothing grew. He's trying to think about how to break the news to his wife and kids. They'll lose the house. They could starve. They spent so many hours tilling the fields and breaking their backs and they have nothing to show for it. He thinks of all the hours of his children's youth that he stole from them, and for nothing. He has never known regret like this. He has never known a pain this deep. He goes home and he says a prayer for his family's future and to beg God forgiveness for whatever sin caused him this turmoil. God hears him and takes pity. He sends Jesus down in his divine overalls and Jesus plants a whole field of corn and it grows to maturity overnight. Jesus goes home and sleeps soundly after a day of honest work. The farmer goes out to his field the next morning and and is shocked to find enough corn to feed not only his family, but the whole town. He looks at the field and says "holy crop"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693jm3/a_farmer_is_having_a_bad_harvesting_season/
%
I took an AP Physics test today and finished early, so I wrote this joke in the test booklet out of boredom

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving along when they get pulled over.
The police officer asks them if they know how fast they were going.
Heisenberg says, "I'm uncertain."
The officer then asks for them to open the trunk, and they oblige.
"Did you know there is a dead cat in your trunk?" the officer asks incredulously.
"I do now!" Schrodinger replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693hna/i_took_an_ap_physics_test_today_and_finished/
%
What did the horse say when he tripped?

Help! I've fallen and can't giddy up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693g7i/what_did_the_horse_say_when_he_tripped/
%
What happens when you put Nutella on salmon?

You get salmonella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693fd3/what_happens_when_you_put_nutella_on_salmon/
%
My wife is like an animal, she has her needs.... like

..her need to not have sex that often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693ebn/my_wife_is_like_an_animal_she_has_her_needs_like/
%
So Mia Khalifa just won best pornstar of the year

Well deserved, she worked her ass off for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693dpk/so_mia_khalifa_just_won_best_pornstar_of_the_year/
%
A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee,

And says, "So, tell me about myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693cix/a_woman_goes_on_a_date_with_an_nsa_employee/
%
Why should fencers be banned from reddit?

Because they spend too much time trying to riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693c3s/why_should_fencers_be_banned_from_reddit/
%
How does a tree feel every first day of spring?

Relieved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693bgt/how_does_a_tree_feel_every_first_day_of_spring/
%
Did you hear about the soldier who survived a mustard gas attack and got pepper sprayed?

He is a real seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693aj6/did_you_hear_about_the_soldier_who_survived_a/
%
A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on the way to the depot.

The police have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6939b8/a_shipment_of_viagra_was_hijacked_on_the_way_to/
%
Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug?

It gave birth in the spring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/693735/did_you_hear_about_the_pregnant_bed_bug/
%
How do you bake toilet paper?

Well, I don't know either, I just know how to brown it on one side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692zjk/how_do_you_bake_toilet_paper/
%
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to 'The Hoff'?

He couldn't be bothered with the hassle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692xs7/why_did_david_hasselhoff_change_his_name_to_the/
%
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The rooster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692w37/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
What do you get if you give growth hormones to an ant?

Tolerance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692v34/what_do_you_get_if_you_give_growth_hormones_to_an/
%
A man returns home from the doctors and tells his wife the doctor said he only has 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis the man asks his wife for sex and naturally she agrees and they make love.
About six hours later the husband turns to his wife and says "Honey, you know now I only have 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later as the man gets into bed he looks at his watch and realizes he only has 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and says "Honey please... just one more time before I die"
She says "Of course, dear" and they have sex for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death tosses and turns until he's down to 4 hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I only have four more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point, the wife sits up and says "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692riu/a_man_returns_home_from_the_doctors_and_tells_his/
%
Why did the boy drop his ice scream?

He got hit by a bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692qvn/why_did_the_boy_drop_his_ice_scream/
%
School should be like a woman's skirt...

Long enough to cover the subject matter, short enough to keep things interesting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692qni/school_should_be_like_a_womans_skirt/
%
It would suck to be named Will in the army.

"Fire at will"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692nyu/it_would_suck_to_be_named_will_in_the_army/
%
I once saw a guy on a bridge, about to jump...

I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I asked, "Which religion?"
He said, "I'm a Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" and pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692m3y/i_once_saw_a_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
%
What does a man with an 11 inch penis eat for breakfast?

Well this morning I had toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692ixb/what_does_a_man_with_an_11_inch_penis_eat_for/
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There are two kinds of people I hate the most...

1. People who want other people's approval for their opinions
2. Karma whores
Upvote if you agree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692isz/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_i_hate_the_most/
%
I saw two homeless people fighting with cardboard..

Must have been a pillow fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692imo/i_saw_two_homeless_people_fighting_with_cardboard/
%
A mom asked her son, "Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?"

He stared and replied, "My name's Paul."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692ibv/a_mom_asked_her_son_anton_do_you_think_im_a_bad/
%
You know the problem with cow feet?

They lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692hl8/you_know_the_problem_with_cow_feet/
%
What do epileptic people on a diet eat?

Seizure salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692ejn/what_do_epileptic_people_on_a_diet_eat/
%
A guy claims his dog can talk...

A guy brings his dog into the NBC network building looking for a TV show for his talking dog. He says to the executive...
Guy: "Hey, I have here a talking dog!  He can have a full conversation with anybody!  Watch this, hey boy!  What's on the top of a house?"
Dog:  "Rouf"
Guy:  "See!  He said 'roof'!  Isn't that great!  Now, I'll ask him another question... Hey boy!  What does sand feel like?"
Dog:  "Rouf"
Guy:  "See!  He said 'rough'!  I'll do another!  What was the name of the greatest baseball player to ever play baseball?"
Dog:  "Rouf"
Guy:  "See that!  He said 'Ruth'!  As in Babe Ruth!"
That moment the executive kicks the guy and his dog out of his office.  The dog goes up to the guy..
Dog:  "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/692c3t/a_guy_claims_his_dog_can_talk/
%
A little girl tells Mommy, "When I grow up, I wanna be a feminist."

The mother looks to her sweet, little daughter and says, "Sweetheart, you're going to have to pick one or the other. You can't do both."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6928f9/a_little_girl_tells_mommy_when_i_grow_up_i_wanna/
%
A man told his wife he was going grocery shopping...

...and she said "Pick up a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The man gets back with twelve gallons of milk and said "They had eggs".
*Credit to whoever posted this in that askreddit thread*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6922zf/a_man_told_his_wife_he_was_going_grocery_shopping/
%
What's the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means it's good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6920gi/whats_the_difference_between_weed_and_pussy/
%
Everyone says athiests tell terrible jokes

But I won't believe that until I have proof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691yea/everyone_says_athiests_tell_terrible_jokes/
%
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your Mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691x90/a_fifteen_year_old_amish_boy_and_his_father_were/
%
If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?

During meditation, a monk asks his master:
"Master, If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?"
His master thought for a moment and replied in very philosophical tones:
"A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691ujj/if_a_man_shaves_his_ass_is_he_gay/
%
Little Johnny and Babysitter.

Olga,the babysitter was having a tough time to control the naughty Little Johnny and she was finally relieved when he was ready to sleep as she wanted to study for her college majors.
After tucking him in Little Johnny asks " can you please sleep with me till I get sleep ?".
His babysitter replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then" the babysitter replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the babysitter.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the babysitter leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691ugm/little_johnny_and_babysitter/
%
My grandpa has got the heart of a lion

and a life time ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691tgs/my_grandpa_has_got_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
What do you call and illegally parked frog?

Toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691st9/what_do_you_call_and_illegally_parked_frog/
%
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive,

I would choose alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691se9/if_i_could_have_dinner_with_anyone_dead_or_alive/
%
Has anyone else heard of the Fecal Donation Program?

Or am I the only one who gives a shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691qp2/has_anyone_else_heard_of_the_fecal_donation/
%
What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691ovo/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_that_lost_his_car/
%
What I want written on my tombstone:

"Not appreciating puns was a grave mistake"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691har/what_i_want_written_on_my_tombstone/
%
A man goes to his shrink.

The psychiatrist makes him pass a Rorschach test to diagnose his problem. He shows the first pattern.
\- "That's a vagina".
The psychiatrist takes a note of it and shows the next pattern.
\- "Vagina".
Again, the psychiatrist takes note and moves onto the next pattern.
\- "I see a vagina".
This goes on for the entire examination. The shrink rereads his notes before telling his patient:
\- "Sir, I'm afraid to tell you that you are a pervert".
Shocked and a little offended, the patient tells him off:
\- "What? You have all these pictures of vaginas lying around and *I'm* the pervert?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691gra/a_man_goes_to_his_shrink/
%
I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore.

The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691eqc/i_got_jumped_by_five_black_guys_in_baltimore/
%
I got kicked out of the library today...

Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691dlt/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_library_today/
%
What's white and ruins lives around the world?

Sugar.
You racist bastards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691cpl/whats_white_and_ruins_lives_around_the_world/
%
An old lady goes to the doctor.

"Doctor," she says, "I keep farting, but my farts are silent and odorless. In fact I have farted 20 times since I was in your office but since my farts are noiseless and do not smell you have not noticed."
The doctor gives the lady some pills and instructs her to return after one week.
One week later, the lady is back at the doctor's office. "I do not know what was in those pills you gave me, Doctor," said the lady, "But my farts, though still silent, now stink like hell."
The doctor smiles in satisfaction. "Excellent! Now that we have cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691cou/an_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
How do you kill a tranny?

Don't shift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691b5n/how_do_you_kill_a_tranny/
%
The people of Pompeii...

Mannequin challenge champions since 79 AD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691akx/the_people_of_pompeii/
%
Did he travel with Scandinavian Airlines?

No, he simply vanished into Finnair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/691a1q/did_he_travel_with_scandinavian_airlines/
%
Why did the painting go to jail?

Because it was framed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6918ge/why_did_the_painting_go_to_jail/
%
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6916zv/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
During church the preacher asked the people in line what they needed prayer for.

One man request prayer for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6915yl/during_church_the_preacher_asked_the_people_in/
%
I love the way the Earth rotates

It really makes my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6915w7/i_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
%
An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar

I know because they told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69102l/an_atheist_a_vegan_and_a_crossfitter_walk_into_a/
%
I got fired at the sex shop today.

Apparently, telling customers to go fuck themselves was "offensive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690zop/i_got_fired_at_the_sex_shop_today/
%
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck.

I think he's trying to bust a move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690w0f/just_saw_a_cop_pull_over_a_uhaul_truck/
%
What kind of instrument do Texans play?

Calculators.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690vih/what_kind_of_instrument_do_texans_play/
%
What do Chinese men do when they have an erection?

They go vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690udp/what_do_chinese_men_do_when_they_have_an_erection/
%
The devil went down to Georgia looking for a soul to steal

He was walking along the country road when he saw a boy playing his fiddle on the side of the road.
The devil walks up to him and says, "Hey boy, you're pretty good with that fiddle, but I bet that I'm better than you."
The little boy says, "Alright, mister. What do you have in mind?"
The devil smiles and says, "Well, how about we have ourselves a fiddle duel? If you can beat me then you will receive my own golden fiddle. But if you lose, you must give me your soul."
The boy thinks upon this for awhile, then smiles as he says, "Alright, mister. You're on."
At those words the devil laughs as he begins to play his fiddle solo. It is the most masterful and beautiful piece the little boy had ever heard, and when the devil was finished he bows before the little boy.
"Alrighty," says the little boy, "my turn!"
The little boy then takes his fiddle and whacks the devil on the head numerous times.
"You rotten brat!", the devil exclaims. "What was THAT for?!"
To which, with a coy grin, the boy replies,
"I beat you! Now cough up that golden fiddle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690qix/the_devil_went_down_to_georgia_looking_for_a_soul/
%
What is long and black?

The line at KFC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690oby/what_is_long_and_black/
%
2040's won't get this

Winter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690mql/2040s_wont_get_this/
%
Common joke in Japan

Weaboos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690mfu/common_joke_in_japan/
%
Did you know that Hellen Keller had a dog?

Neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690meu/did_you_know_that_hellen_keller_had_a_dog/
%
I hate telling noble gas jokes.....

....there's never a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690mcr/i_hate_telling_noble_gas_jokes/
%
This is my step ladder...

I never knew my real ladder...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690m3e/this_is_my_step_ladder/
%
Three engineers and three lawyers go to a conference

. They have a fixed budget and may keep everything they do not spend. The lawyers purchase three train tickets, the engineers only one. When asked about this, the engineers just say: "Wait, and see".  In the train, when they see the conductor getting down the compartment, the three engineers get up and go to the restroom, they barely fit in.  The conductor arrives and knocks on the restroom door: "Ticket, please". The engineers slide the ticket under the door, the conductor punches it and slides it back.  The lawyers are amazed that the engineers saved so much money and decide do the same on the way back. So they buy one ticket. This time, the engineers do not buy any ticket at all!  "Don't you need at least one ticket", the lawyers shout. The engineers just say again "Wait, and see".  Back in the train, when they hear the conductor, the engineers press into one restroom, the lawyers into the other one.  Just before the conductor arrives, one of the engineer slips out of the restroom, knocks on the door of the lawyer's restroom: "Ticket, please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690lsd/three_engineers_and_three_lawyers_go_to_a/
%
My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small scale operation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690kht/my_friends_and_i_started_a_business_where_we/
%
Hot neighbor (PG-13)

She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690k3k/hot_neighbor_pg13/
%
A wise man once said nothing.

He let her vent, and then they had sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690jdv/a_wise_man_once_said_nothing/
%
When you are old you can always play the senility card

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he'd carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picked it up, but they didn't know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money - it was $50,000!
The husband said: "We've got to give it back". She said, "Finders keepers" and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home. One knocked on the door and said: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She said: "No."
The husband said: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She said: "Don't believe him, he is getting senile" but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from beginning."
The old man said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: "We're outta here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690j0j/when_you_are_old_you_can_always_play_the_senility/
%
Son: Hey dad, do you remember your first blowjob?

Dad: Yes son, I do!
Son: Really? How did it taste?
Dad: Get out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690ira/son_hey_dad_do_you_remember_your_first_blowjob/
%
I've started calling the smallest of my three dogs 'grandma'

She has mini paws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690ho5/ive_started_calling_the_smallest_of_my_three_dogs/
%
My friend told me I have a really bad problem remembering names.

I said, "who do you think I am, Alfred Einstein?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690hl8/my_friend_told_me_i_have_a_really_bad_problem/
%
A bear and a rabbit

were both squatting down having a shit in the woods, side by side.  The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you ever get shit stuck in your fur?".  The rabbit replies, "No, not really".  So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690dw7/a_bear_and_a_rabbit/
%
I tried marrying a melon...

But apparently we cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690ces/i_tried_marrying_a_melon/
%
Ten years after my divorce, I can finally say I don't want my ex wife to die anymore.

I don't want her to die any less either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690boh/ten_years_after_my_divorce_i_can_finally_say_i/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lick a lot o puss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6908ny/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
So a kid comes into class with bandages on his head and using crutches

Everyone obviously gasps at him. The teacher then asks "Oh my god Frederick! How did this happen to you?". Frederick then takes a seat and just says "Guess" to the teacher. She thinks it over and right as she's about to announce her answer, another kid comes in crying and wobbling and bleeding.
The teacher again gasps and says to the child "What happened to you Tommy?!". Tommy then just looks up and looks directly at Frederick and says "He beat me up and stole my crutches!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/690569/so_a_kid_comes_into_class_with_bandages_on_his/
%
What would they call the 10th installment in the Fast and Furious Series?

-Fast 10 Your Seatbelts
-Fast 10 Furious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69055s/what_would_they_call_the_10th_installment_in_the/
%
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in pairs?

The sign says no tres-passing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6904vs/why_do_mexicans_always_cross_the_border_in_pairs/
%
I went out to a nightclub

They played the Twist, so I did the Twist.
They played the Cha-Cha Slide, so I did the Cha-Cha Slide.
They played Come On Eileen.
I'm banned from that nightclub, but I got a sweet restraining order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6902aa/i_went_out_to_a_nightclub/
%
Who are the prostitutes of the bird world?

Swallows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/69015h/who_are_the_prostitutes_of_the_bird_world/
%
How do you smuggle a cheeseburger into prison?

Between 2 buns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6900mn/how_do_you_smuggle_a_cheeseburger_into_prison/
%
(NSFW) Since I got ad-blocker, less women in my area want to have sex with me.

Obviously, ad-blocker is a huge turn off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6900in/nsfw_since_i_got_adblocker_less_women_in_my_area/
%
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zyfy/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
%
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation

You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zxd6/if_they_could_prove_cell_phones_give_deadly/
%
The doctor to the patient: "You are very sick"

Patient: "Can I get a second opinion?"
Doctor: "Yes, you are very ugly too..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zvx6/the_doctor_to_the_patient_you_are_very_sick/
%
why can you never trust atoms?

because they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zuwr/why_can_you_never_trust_atoms/
%
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ztpr/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
%
Sex Drive (Long)

A older man was walking through a antique store when he saw a lamp having a laugh to himself he picked it up and rubbed it.  All of a sudden a genie burst out of it almost giving him a heart attack.  The genie told the man since he freed him he was willing to give him a single wish.  The man pondered then asked the genie to give him his sex drive back, being older he hadn't made love to his wife in years since he lost it.  The genie granted the man's wish.  He said there's a catch when your ready all you have to do is say 1,2,3 and you will be ready straight away and will stay hard forever.  When you've had enough just say 1,2,3,4 and it will go away.  But this only works once and never again.
Super pleased the man races home to make love with his wife.  Night comes and he gets into bed with her.  After foreplay and she's ready he says 1,2,3 and straight away his harder then his ever been before in his life and is super excited.  As he turns around to his wife she asks.  What's 1,2,3 for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ztfs/sex_drive_long/
%
My family has passed down a hand crank...

...for generation...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zqkx/my_family_has_passed_down_a_hand_crank/
%
Politics and Vaginas

Politics is an anagram of colpitis, this is an illness that results in inflammation of the vagina. Guess this is why politicians are irritating twats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zp16/politics_and_vaginas/
%
Did you know Jesus has only orgasmed once?

We're still waiting for the second coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zood/did_you_know_jesus_has_only_orgasmed_once/
%
A thirty-something walks in a bar

Orders 5 whisky shots and gulps 'em down.
"Whoa buddy, you alright ?"
"Yeah yeah, just celebrating my first blowjob"
"Oh, let me get you another shot then"
"Nah, I've gotten rid of the taste thanks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zonw/a_thirtysomething_walks_in_a_bar/
%
A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a  joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come  up and join me"
So the lizard climbs up  and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while  the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink  from the river.
At the riverbank,  the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A  Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to  the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”  The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree,  smoking a joint with the monkey and  his  mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a  drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he  has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where  the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey,  MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zn2m/a_monkey_is_smoking_a_joint/
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The square root of -1 is like an original post on r/Jokes.

It doesn't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zjde/the_square_root_of_1_is_like_an_original_post_on/
%
did you hear about the man that got cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zdye/did_you_hear_about_the_man_that_got_cooled_to/
%
Genders are like the Twin Towers

There use to be two of them, but now it's just a sensitive topic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zddf/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
Kim Jong-un of North Korea has said he's going to destroy America

So Trump was livid saying "That's MY job, and I'm not going to just stand by and see an Asian snatch away another American job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zdbq/kim_jongun_of_north_korea_has_said_hes_going_to/
%
The Wife is leaving me because she’s says I’m always exaggerating.

I was so shocked I nearly tripped over my cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zd1p/the_wife_is_leaving_me_because_shes_says_im/
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A wealthy arab guy was very sick

and he needed a blood transplant for an operation, but he had a very rare blood type. Luckily, there was a jew guy with the same type of blood. The arab guy asked the jew but the jew told him that he must ask a Rabbai first. The Rabbi told him that it was okay to do that. After the operation's success, the arab gifted the jew guy a 10000$. One year later, the arab got sick again, abd the jew came and donated blood for him. After the operation, the arab gave the jew a  of 100$. Two years later, the arab went sick again, and the same jew came and helped him. The arab, this time, gave him 10$ only. The jew was so confused,so he went to the rabb i and asked him : " why did the arab gave me a 10000$ at first and then 100$ and then 10$???" The Rabbi said: "My child, didn't you realise that it is your blood that is in his body now? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zcxn/a_wealthy_arab_guy_was_very_sick/
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My wife told me that it's no big deal having a 4" Penis

But I'd really rather she didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68zc20/my_wife_told_me_that_its_no_big_deal_having_a_4/
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Mexicans won't be annoyed by Trumps Wall for very long.

They'll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68za2q/mexicans_wont_be_annoyed_by_trumps_wall_for_very/
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Most people have 32 teeth, some have 10...

...it's simple Meth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68z9wl/most_people_have_32_teeth_some_have_10/
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There was a race between a brunette, a redhead and a blond to swim

from the mainland to Vancouver Island, doing only the breaststroke.
After about 14 hours the brunette staggered up on shore and was declared the winner.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up to the finish line in second.
Nearly four hours after that, the blond finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporter asked why it took her considerably longer to finish the race, she replies, “I don’t like to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68z8nc/there_was_a_race_between_a_brunette_a_redhead_and/
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyónce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68z5rx/what_did_jayz_call_his_girlfriend_before_they_got/
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Virgin Australian men

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wanted to get married, but she was only willing to marry a man provided he had never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decided to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who had lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and has had no experience with women.
They meet and she likes him, with the feeling that they are perfect for each other.
Finally they got married.
On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to prepare for the evening and when she returned to the bedroom, she found her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked with all the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asked!
"I've never been with a woman" he sayed, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68z2lj/virgin_australian_men/
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Why was the phone wearing glasses?

It lost its contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68yzh2/why_was_the_phone_wearing_glasses/
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Suppositories

Clarence was a farmer who lived during a period when few medications were available. When a county Doctor examined him, he found a severe case of hemorrhoids. The Doc told him he had samples of a new treatment called suppositories and gave him a handful. When Clarence next saw the Doctor at church, he asked him if the medicine helped him. He replied, "Doc, they didn't taste too bad but for all the good they did I might have well just stuck 'em up my rear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68yv1l/suppositories/
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TIFU by plugging in the wrong speaker into my computer, causing a blackout in my neighbourhood

Whoops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68yulx/tifu_by_plugging_in_the_wrong_speaker_into_my/
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A penguin is driving through the Arizona desert when his car breaks down

He pulls into a nearby mechanic station in search of assistance.
The mechanic catches a quick glimpse of the car and tells the penguin, "I'll go ahead and check it out. Come back in about 30 minutes and I'll have a diagnosis for you."
"Alright then," replies the penguin as he waddles off on his merry way.
Trying to decide on how to kill some time he comes across an ice cream shop. The sun is relentlessly bearing down on him and an icy cold snack is sounding pretty refreshing right now so he heads on inside.
After grabbing a double-scoop of vanilla ice cream he begins his walk back towards the mechanic. He's enjoying himself munching down on his treat but it's melting and he's kind of making a mess all over himself.
He finally returns to the shop and grabs the mechanic's attention. Catching a whiff of the penguin's presence the mechanic says, "So yeah, I think I figured out the problem." He looks up at the penguin, "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin looks down at himself, "Oh, no, it's just ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68yofu/a_penguin_is_driving_through_the_arizona_desert/
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Craft Beer

About six months ago, I joined the craft beer craze by setting up a back porch brewery, mixing my own corn mash and hops and water. It took me a few batches, by trial and error, but I finally got a good balance of bitterness, color, carbonation and “buzz.”
The stuff tasted pretty good, so I sent a sample to my local university for testing and I just got a letter back from their technicians. Let me read it to you:
Dear Sir:
Your panther has diabetes.
Sincerely,
Frank Jefferson,
University of Minnesota Extension Services

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ynrr/craft_beer/
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Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a fourth grade class...

The teacher asked Mr.Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious POTUS asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet candy ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68yjlt/donald_trump_was_visiting_a_primary_school_in/
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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

He also tells them that there will be no excuse for failing to show up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up and asks the teacher out loud,
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class has all it can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to stifle its laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"You can write with your other hand then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68yj9n/a_high_school_english_teacher_reminds_her_class/
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I like my women like i like my theoretical physicists

Sick and twisted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68yivb/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_theoretical/
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What do you call some that dies while smoking weed?

Stoned to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68yioj/what_do_you_call_some_that_dies_while_smoking_weed/
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What's got 100 balls and fucks Rabbits

A shotgun !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68yhr9/whats_got_100_balls_and_fucks_rabbits/
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Why was Aladdin never constipated?

Because wherever he went, he always took Apu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68yfr7/why_was_aladdin_never_constipated/
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Two antennas fall in love with each other on a roof and decide to get married

The wedding was awful but the reception was great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68yd3q/two_antennas_fall_in_love_with_each_other_on_a/
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Tomato Garden

An old man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
*"Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad"*
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
*"Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie"*
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
*"Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ya56/tomato_garden/
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What is good for golf and bad for socks?

A hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68y8sv/what_is_good_for_golf_and_bad_for_socks/
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Did you hear about the guy...

Did you hear about the guy in the construction accident? The whole left side of his body was cut off. Don't worry though, he's alright now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68y4ue/did_you_hear_about_the_guy/
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white dude

So, this white dude decides to have his girl friend's name tattooed on his junk.  Her name is Wendy.  The result is that when "relaxed" only the "W" and "y" are visible but when "excited" one can clearly read Wendy.  As it happens after working out and showering at the gym one day he notices a black dude with the potentially the same tattoo (only the "W" and "y" are visible) in a similar location.  He approaches and as delicately as possible mentions that he had tattooed his girlfriend's name, Wendy, on himself and asks what does your tattoo spell.  The black dude's response was "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68y4re/white_dude/
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Sex with me is like a visit to the doctor's office.

I'll be in shortly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68y3qy/sex_with_me_is_like_a_visit_to_the_doctors_office/
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My Wife Handed Me A Crying Baby and Asked Me To Change Him.

So I drove to the Hospital and asked for a replacement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68y243/my_wife_handed_me_a_crying_baby_and_asked_me_to/
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Two new hunters...

Are enjoying their time at the hunting lodge.  Meeting the oldest member, a man in his 90s they commented that he must have a ton of stories.  He replied, "yes, one stands out more than the others." Intrigued they asked to hear. "Well" , the old man says, "I was a younger man, in my 20s. I was in Alaska far far into the woods stalking a grizzly. I lost track of time. It started to get dark. I grew nervous. I didn't want to be out there much later. And about this time that ol grizzly bear jumped out of the bushes and went RAWR AS LOUD AS HE COULD. And well I just shit my pants"
One of the young hunters says, " wow if a bear jumped out of the woods and went rawr at me I'd shit my pants too."
The old man replies, " no, just now when I yelled I shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68y1lx/two_new_hunters/
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2 dogs were at the vets

One says to the other "what are you here for?" The other says "my owner got sick of me fucking her everytime she bends over, so I'm being put to sleep". "That's terrible!" The first dog says.
"What about you, what are you here for?"
The first says "I've also got a habit of fucking my owner when she bends over."
"Oh so you're being put to sleep too then?"
The first dog goes, " nah I'm here to get my nails clipped"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xypa/2_dogs_were_at_the_vets/
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What does bill Cosby and Santa have in common?

They both only come when you're sleeping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xw6v/what_does_bill_cosby_and_santa_have_in_common/
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3 blokes are sat in a pub complaining about health issues.

When suddenly Jesus walks in and touches one of them on the shoulder, "My eyes? My eyes are better!" He runs out he pub with happiness. Jesus then walks over to the second guy and touches his shoulder, "My arthritis? My arthritis is gone!" He bolts it out of the door with a smile on his face. Jesus heads to the third bloke and hears "You can fuck off mate! I'm on disability pay!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xt3f/3_blokes_are_sat_in_a_pub_complaining_about/
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I want to start an interior design company, I'm going to call it 9/11

because it's an inside job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xrj2/i_want_to_start_an_interior_design_company_im/
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Two nuns are driving down a dark, winding road in rural Romania. . .

when they turn a corner to see a vampire hovering over what appears to be a body in the middle of the road. It looks up and hisses as the headlights illuminate blood-covered fangs.
Sister Mary looks at Sister Elizabeth and says, "What should I do?"
Sister Elizabeth answers, "Show him your cross."
So Sister Mary leans out of the window and yells, "Get the fuck out of the road you pointy-toothed bastard, or I'll run your ass over!" Then she leans back into the vehicle and says, "I hope that was cross enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xqmc/two_nuns_are_driving_down_a_dark_winding_road_in/
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The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xpm9/the_doctor_gave_me_six_months_to_live_so_i_shot/
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I was in my English class the other day....

And I didn't understand the book that was in the curriculum.
So I made all my students write a 3 page report about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xpi7/i_was_in_my_english_class_the_other_day/
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It is hard to understand English

but you can learn it through tough thorough thought, though!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xo0o/it_is_hard_to_understand_english/
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Hooker in Amsterdam

A man goes for a vacation with his wife to Amsterdam, he goes out alone for a drink, on a whim he decides to check the infamous red light district, while there he comes across a stunningly beautiful working girl, he goes up to her to negotiate the price, she demands 100$, he counters with 30$, she laughs at his face, so he goes on his merry way, the next day he is having breakfast with his wife at a cafe, the hooker passes him by and notices him and quietly whispers eyeing his wife, 'See this is what you get for 30$'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xmfz/hooker_in_amsterdam/
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People often make fun of me for having a mushroom as a friend, their loss though...

He's a fungi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xmb1/people_often_make_fun_of_me_for_having_a_mushroom/
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Ginger librarians are:

Well red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xm8a/ginger_librarians_are/
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If it hurts when you pee....

Urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xm10/if_it_hurts_when_you_pee/
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The good doctor

A doctor moves to America, but is not allowed to continue practicing medicine. So he opens a shop with a sign that says "$20 and we'll cure any illness. Guaranteed, or you get $100 back."
A lawyer sees the sign and realizes he can make an easy $100. He walks into the clinic and says he lost his sense of taste. The doctor looks him over and tells the nurse to get the medicine out of box 20.
The man is given a dose by mouth. He vomits in disguised and said, "That was the most disgusting thing I ever tasted!" The doctor replies, "Congratulations! you're cured! That'll be $20."
The man goes back the store and says, "please help me, I lost my memory!" The doctor takes him to the back room and says, "nurse get me the medicine out of box 20." The man says please no! That stuff was awful!" The doctor replays, "Congratulations! That'll be $20."
The man returned the next week. He said, "doctor, doctor please help me I can't see anything!" The doctor says, "sorry I can't help you here's your money." The doctor hands the man his money. The man said, but the sign says you would pay $100. This is only $10.
The doctor says, "Congratulations! You can see! That'll be $20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xlwm/the_good_doctor/
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With all this negative talk about Africa I thought I would mention something positive about the people there...

Their AIDS test results

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xedu/with_all_this_negative_talk_about_africa_i/
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What's the difference between a Canadian oil mogul and an American one?

The Canadian will apologize for destroying the environment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xe6l/whats_the_difference_between_a_canadian_oil_mogul/
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An older couple had been out on a few dates..

They finally decide that this is the night they'll have sex. When they get back to her apartment, the gentleman excuses himself to the bathroom. When he comes out, he sees the lady doing a headstand on a pillow with her underwear off and her legs spread. The man, startled, says, "My dear, what are you doing?" to which she replies, "This way, if you can't get it up, you can at least drop it in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68xbqn/an_older_couple_had_been_out_on_a_few_dates/
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Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes...

...but they're a solid number two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68x9bl/poop_jokes_arent_my_favorite_kind_of_jokes/
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I once woke up in the middle of an operation.

It nearly cost me my medical licence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68x8pk/i_once_woke_up_in_the_middle_of_an_operation/
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The Affair

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised that he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but she asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he advised her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey", she said, "You received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he replied.
The wife obeyed, and watched her husband as he read the card. He turned white and fainted. On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs. Two without.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68x7xh/the_affair/
%
Why did the African 3 year old cry?

He was having a mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68x2vy/why_did_the_african_3_year_old_cry/
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I told a girl at work she drew on her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68wpe1/i_told_a_girl_at_work_she_drew_on_her_eyebrows/
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Donald Trump on tragedy

Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr.Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious POTUS asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68wk5l/donald_trump_on_tragedy/
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I was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door.

I banged on the wall and shouted, "For God's sake, keep it down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68wj2p/i_was_woken_up_again_last_night_by_the_bulimic/
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Brand new Teslas don't come with new car smell.

They come with Elon's Musk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68wiyv/brand_new_teslas_dont_come_with_new_car_smell/
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For sale: parachute.

Only used once, never opened, small stain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68whup/for_sale_parachute/
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Girl: You weren't even listening just now were you?!

Guy Thinking: "Hmm, that's a weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68wglz/girl_you_werent_even_listening_just_now_were_you/
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A joke from the old man at value village

Man: Where are you from? Originally?
me: *hometown*
Man: you know, you can't take a picture of a man with a wooden leg there.
Me: why's that?
Man: because wooden legs can't take pictures!
I was in line at the local value village (thrift store), probably looking pretty cross because I was tired/stressed (money troubles, am in the process of moving into a new place)and this man took the time to try and make my day a little better. He also asked me if I could stick my tongue out and touch my nose, I said I doubt it, and he proceeded to stick out his tongue, and touch his nose with his finger. Kinda made my day, so I figured I should share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68wdie/a_joke_from_the_old_man_at_value_village/
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I woke up in the middle of an operation once.

The nurse said “Don’t worry, you just drifted off for a minute doctor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68wcfk/i_woke_up_in_the_middle_of_an_operation_once/
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What does a chicken give you?

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68wcbl/what_does_a_chicken_give_you/
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My wife and I get into an argument, because she thinks I'm emotionally manipulative.

Everything is fine now. I make her realized how wrong she was and I forgave her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68w6rv/my_wife_and_i_get_into_an_argument_because_she/
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A straight guy walks into a bar and a couple steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the transvestite waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies." The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68w4z8/a_straight_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_a_couple/
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A termite walks into a bar

And asks his friend, "Is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68w4ys/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
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I'm addicted to taking showers...

..I've been trying to get clean for years now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68w47w/im_addicted_to_taking_showers/
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I have a few jokes about unemployed people...

But it doesn't matter since none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68w04a/i_have_a_few_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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What's the hardest part of rollerblading?

telling your dad that you're gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vz4d/whats_the_hardest_part_of_rollerblading/
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This dude from Florida got mad at me the other day.

Apparently people from Tampa aren't called tampons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vym8/this_dude_from_florida_got_mad_at_me_the_other_day/
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I'm making a TV show about the different roles people serve on aeroplanes.

Wanna see the pilot episode?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vuzx/im_making_a_tv_show_about_the_different_roles/
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Fill 'Er Up (Blumhouse Blues)

I stepped into the ragged whorehouse, the overwhelming scent of cheap perfume poring into my senses. A large sign up ahead read, "PRICES: $20 FOR BUSTY BEAUTIES AND A $10 GORGEOUS SPECIAL."
The "busty" was faded, so much so I couldn't tell if it said that or an original "musky," not that it mattered much in the first place. Obviously, I picked the cheapest option; all I wanted to do is dump my load and leave, nothing more and nothing less. I paid with cash and was on my way, led up the small set of creaky stairs, coated by a thick layer of smog from cigarette smoke... or so I hope.
Awaiting in the topmost room was a beautiful whore, legs splayed to a 75-degree angle of pure sexuality. The only thing on my mind was lust.
I removed my pants, my erection springing free into the open air. Each step took towards the bed creaked the floorboards incessantly. By now, my fuck-rod was just inches from her gaping hole, a cavernous thing no doubt already having hundreds of men like me enter her before.
Squish.
Drooping layers of white liquid gushed from her vaginal cavity; yet it was not mine. How was I supposed to get off to such a disgusting act? Taking the opportunity, I moved up to her sacred fourth hole. Not her mouth, not her shit-shute, no: I'm talking about her piss-hole. My penis wedged in-between her pussy lips.
And I fucked her urethra.
It was quite clear no other customer had dared explore the upper genital regions, no doubt afraid by any STIs they might contract. After I had finished, I took notice of how most- if not all- of her orfices have been completely obliterated by my engorged member. A splooge-like substance covered everything.
God-damnit, I thought. I can't leave her like this.
So I zipped up my jeans, clicked my belt back into place, and walked once more down the small set of stairs. On the way out, I leaned over to the house's pimp, and whispered...
"Hey, John, the dead one's full again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vuak/fill_er_up_blumhouse_blues/
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An old man is sitting on his front porch

one morning when he sees little Johnny coming down the street with a roll of tape strung out behind him. Curious, the old man calls out “What ya got there Johnny?” and little Johnny calls back “I got me some duck tape. I’m gonna catch me some ducks.”  The old man laughs and yells back “You fool you don’t use duct tape to catch ducks”. That evening here comes little Johnny back up the road and the old man can’t believe his eyes, little Johnny’s got 20 ducks stuck to the tape.
The next morning here comes Johnny dragging a fence behind him so the old man calls out “Whatcha got there Johnny?” Little Johnny says “I got some chicken wire, I’m gonna catch me some chickens.” The old man laughs “Have fun boy everybody knows you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.” Sure enough that evening he sees Johnny headed up the road dragging 30 chickens tangled in the wire behind him.
The next morning, he sees Johnny passing by dragging a bunch of plants behind him so the old man yells out “Whatcha got there little Johnny?” and little Johnny yelled back “pussy willows.” The old man yells out “hold on let me get my hat!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vrjt/an_old_man_is_sitting_on_his_front_porch/
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I am currently stroking a chicken and an egg...(nsfw)

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vqlw/i_am_currently_stroking_a_chicken_and_an_eggnsfw/
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Motorcycle will last you a lifetime

if you ride it fast enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vnu2/motorcycle_will_last_you_a_lifetime/
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A woman shouts to her husband "Im having contractions!"

Her husband walks over to her and hands her a bag of apostrophes. The woman, relieved, says "thanks, I'm feeling much better now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vmjc/a_woman_shouts_to_her_husband_im_having/
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[My first ever submission!] A man is driving through a shady part of town...

...When he pulls up at a stop sign.
A woman of the night, about 3 inches tall, approaches his car and shouts to him in a voice that betrays any femininity; "Hey darl, you looking for a good time?  I'm only 10 cents per hour."
The driver replies "Sorry, I don't want any micro-transactions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vmbn/my_first_ever_submission_a_man_is_driving_through/
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A girl just texted me "myspacebuttonbrokecananyonegivemeanalternative"

Does anybody know what "ternative" means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vm3n/a_girl_just_texted_me/
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I farted in Apple and they kicked me out

It's not my fault they don't have windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vlpc/i_farted_in_apple_and_they_kicked_me_out/
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What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vle1/what_has_two_legs_and_bleeds_a_lot/
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So a woman is getting on a bus

And her skirt is too tight for her to lift her knee high enough to make the first step.
She decides, hey, better not keep these people behind me waiting for long, im going to unzip the back of my skirt just a bit and see if that way i can lift my knee high enough.
Having thought so, she reaches back and slightly lowers her zipper, but her knee still wont quite reach the height needed, no pun intended.
So, in a second attempt at getting on this bus and not causing her fellow passengers to wait any longer, she reaches back again and unzips her skirt a second time. This time, her knee gets uo slightly higher, but not quite enough.
One more time, she thinks. So she reaches back again, but this time she feels two hands on her waist/butt area,, and suddenly gets boosted up onto the bus. She looks behind at the man who had helped her.
"Hey, a little respect for personal space, please, we've never even met!" She spews
The man looked at her and retorts:
"Oh, sorry. It's just i assumed we were friends after you went and unzipped my fly twice"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vk07/so_a_woman_is_getting_on_a_bus/
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The young Chief of an Indian tribe wants to have sex

So he goes to the local whore house and says, "Chief want pussy." The Owner of the brothel says, "Well does Chief have any experience with pussy?" Chief, knowing that he has never had sex replies, "Chief never laid with woman before." The Owner tells the Chief, "These girls have a lot of experience and you need to go practice before you get with one of my girls. There is a tree a couple hundred yards down the trail that has a perfect nook hole in it. Go to the tree and practice for a few days, then when you are ready, come back and we will set you up with a girl."
The Chief takes the man's advice and practices fucking the nook in the tree for a whole week. The next weekend the Chief shows up at the brothel and says, "Chief want pussy." The Owner of the brothel again asks, "Does Chief have any experience with pussy?" Happily, Chief says, "Chief got experience." The Owner gives Chief a key and tells him to go upstairs and open the first door on the left. Almost immediately there are loud moans and screams coming from the room that Chief went in. At first the owner thought that Chief might just have a big dick and the girl is having trouble taking him, bit the screams sounded like fear and trouble so he goes to check. When he opens the door, he finds Chief fully clothed and ramming the poor girls pussy with a broom stick. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING CHIEF?!" Exclaims the owner.
"Chief checking for bees."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68viyo/the_young_chief_of_an_indian_tribe_wants_to_have/
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A man took his goldfish to the vet.

"I think that my goldfish is epileptic!" said the man.
"He seems okay; he doesn't look epileptic." replied the vet.
"Well I haven't taken him out of the tank, yet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vhd3/a_man_took_his_goldfish_to_the_vet/
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What's a horny pirate's worse nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68vgmq/whats_a_horny_pirates_worse_nightmare/
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I don't want to burst out laughing while surfing Reddit at work...

...so I restrict my browsing to r/funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68v97u/i_dont_want_to_burst_out_laughing_while_surfing/
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I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68v8sr/i_once_tried_to_kill_a_spider_with_axe_bodyspray/
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Blonde joke

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68v3b1/blonde_joke/
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(NSFW) Three phases.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68v1i5/nsfw_three_phases/
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I submitted a great joke about Reddit's search functionality a while back.

I can't find it now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68uz8p/i_submitted_a_great_joke_about_reddits_search/
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Knock knock.

Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68uskc/knock_knock/
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While teaching a class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68upxe/while_teaching_a_class/
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I'm thinking about starting up my own brand and naming it Gametes...

Because sex cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68upsb/im_thinking_about_starting_up_my_own_brand_and/
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Did you know...

Did you know that if you stand in front of a mirror at 3am and shout "Bloody Mary" three times your mother will come to you and tell you to shut the fuck up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68uoxb/did_you_know/
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The news is talking about the prison sentences of nearly half a dozen turban-wearing men who committed some minor felonies

"One to Three for Five Sikhs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68uorc/the_news_is_talking_about_the_prison_sentences_of/
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My sister is fat so they sent her to a weight loss camp....

I have ADHD, so they're sending me to a concentration camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68unh6/my_sister_is_fat_so_they_sent_her_to_a_weight/
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The Bible says 'a man who lies with another man should be stoned'

I mean, it's not essential, but it helps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ulhk/the_bible_says_a_man_who_lies_with_another_man/
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What did the sentient wind turbine say when he met his hero, the windmill?

"I'm a big fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68uh3i/what_did_the_sentient_wind_turbine_say_when_he/
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A little boy was sitting on his grandfather's lap.

His grandfather was smoking a cigar, so the little boy asked, "can I have puff of that cigar?"
The grandfather asked him, "does your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy says, "no" So the grandfather says, "then you can't have a puff of my cigar."
A few days later the little boy was sitting on his grandfather's lap and his grandfather was drinking a beer this time, so the boy asked, "can I have a sip of your beer?" And the grandfather asked, "does your dick touch your asshole?" Boy says, "no" and the grandfather says, "then you can't have a sip of my beer."
3 days later the little boy was outside the porch with a plate of cookies, and the grandfather comes out and asked him, "Can I have a cookie?" The little boy asked him, "does your dick touch your asshole?" Grandfather says, "yes" then the little boy says, "then go fuck yourself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68uh2f/a_little_boy_was_sitting_on_his_grandfathers_lap/
%
On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.
When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.
And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.
I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ugqo/on_his_death_bed_an_old_jew_says_to_his_wife/
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I just found out I'm colorblind. I'm absolutely shocked!

It came right out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ug3o/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind_im_absolutely/
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I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ue21/i_invented_a_new_word_today/
%
Out in space, two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68uc9h/out_in_space_two_alien_life_forms_are_speaking/
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A man goes into a job interview

and presents himself well. The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied, "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68uazc/a_man_goes_into_a_job_interview/
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Shakespeare told us who he was all along. . .

BIC PENTAMETER. Its all over his works: I AM BIC PENTAMETER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ua08/shakespeare_told_us_who_he_was_all_along/
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You either jerk off and go to sleep.

Or stay awake long enough to see yourself jerk off again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68u9mu/you_either_jerk_off_and_go_to_sleep/
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Do you know why I take a dump at work?

I get paid for this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68u80n/do_you_know_why_i_take_a_dump_at_work/
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Everyone thinks Kim Jong Un wants to build an atom bomb...

...when he just wants to build a new clear-bomb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68u7hk/everyone_thinks_kim_jong_un_wants_to_build_an/
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Guy walks into a bar

and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68u72e/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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My friend asked me what procrastination is...

I said I'll tell him later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68u5he/my_friend_asked_me_what_procrastination_is/
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What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he went to school?

have a good day at school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68u44w/what_did_the_father_buffalo_say_to_his_kid_when/
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What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68u3xm/what_do_you_call_a_religious_drug_addict/
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There is a sign in my town that reads "DRIVE SLOW AUTISTIC CHILD"

First of all, he has a name.
Secondly, if he has his license he should know good and well how to drive and there is no need to single him out like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68u2o3/there_is_a_sign_in_my_town_that_reads_drive_slow/
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How do you turn a duck into an R&B singer?

You put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68u14g/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_an_rb_singer/
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What's the difference between Ignorance and Apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68u0km/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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What job are rude epileptics well suited for?

Salt shakers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68tzmq/what_job_are_rude_epileptics_well_suited_for/
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Jesus, Moses and a very old guy.

Jesus, Moses and a very old man are playing golf. At the first
hole there was a water puddle aprox 10 ft. from the hole. The first one
to go was Moses. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it headed right
for the water puddle. Moses opened his eyes widely and the water split
down the middle and the ball rolled through. The ball finnally stopped
about 5 ft from the hole.
Jesus looked at Moses and said "Good shot Moses."
Jesus was up next. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it was
also heading directly for the water puddle. So Jesus opened his eyes very
wide and the golf ball sprouted legs and walked on the water. The ball
finnally stopped about 3 ft from the hole.
Moses looked at Jesus and said "Good shot Jesus."
Finnally, it was the older man's turn. He swung and being a weak old
man he only hit the ball about 15 ft. but before the ball stopped a gofer
picks the ball up and begins to run away, then an eagle swoops down and
grabs the gofer and begins to fly away with it, then a bolt of lightning
strikes the eagle, the eagle drops the gofer, the gofer hits the ground, the
ball flies out of its mouth and into the hole.
Moses grumbles to Jesus saying "I hate playing golf with your dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68tz38/jesus_moses_and_a_very_old_guy/
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My father always said I was a bright kid...

So bright in fact, he always called me son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68tymf/my_father_always_said_i_was_a_bright_kid/
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How do you find the velociraptor?

Velociraptor = Distraptor / Timeraptor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68tv9w/how_do_you_find_the_velociraptor/
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there was a time when there was Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs and Bob Hope.

now there is no Cash, no Jobs, and no Hope.                                                                             please dont let Kevin Bacon die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ts90/there_was_a_time_when_there_was_johnny_cash_steve/
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A prostitute walked up to me and said, "I'll do anything you want if you give me $30"

Guess who's getting his porch repainted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ts04/a_prostitute_walked_up_to_me_and_said_ill_do/
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Why are theoretical physicists bad at sex?

Because when they find the right position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68tq7n/why_are_theoretical_physicists_bad_at_sex/
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Why does Snow White own an Android?

Because she hates Apples.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68tp8p/why_does_snow_white_own_an_android/
%
I was at the bar and this waitress yelled "Anyone know CPR?"

I yelled back "hell, I know the whole alphabet"
Everyone laughed, well, except this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68toot/i_was_at_the_bar_and_this_waitress_yelled_anyone/
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Why did the chef quit his job?

They cut his celery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68tn2d/why_did_the_chef_quit_his_job/
%
It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68tm43/it_was_very_difficult_to_switch_off_my_wifes_life/
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How did I escape Afghanistan?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68tj6o/how_did_i_escape_afghanistan/
%
Shopping for antiques wont make you gay

But it could make you buy curios

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68td6e/shopping_for_antiques_wont_make_you_gay/
%
I stepped in dog poo.

I can't see shit without my glasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68tcef/i_stepped_in_dog_poo/
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree..

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68tbg3/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree/
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If I were to masturbate on an airplane...

Would it be considered as hijacking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68tac2/if_i_were_to_masturbate_on_an_airplane/
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Knock knock...

Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con...
Okay, now you say: Control Freak who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68t8h2/knock_knock/
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An old man is celebrating his 80th birthday...

...so his grandson decides to give him a gift and takes him to a brothel. The grandson says to the Madam, it's my grandpa's 80th birthday today and he's never been to a brothel before. The Madam says don't worry I'll give him somebody who's gentle and show him something exciting. So she takes the old man into a room and tells him to get undressed and lie down in the bed. Brandy will be there in a minute. So he does, and Brandy comes in; a beautiful redhead. She says to the man, I hear it's your birthday, so we're going to do something special. Have you ever heard of 69? The old man says no, So Brandy says don't worry, you'll enjoy it. She gets undressed and starts to lift her leg over his face, and lets out a little fart. She pulls her leg back and says, oh, I'm so sorry! She lifts her leg over his face again, and again lets out a little fart. She pulls her leg back and apologizes again. At this point the man gets up and starts getting dressed. Brandy asks, where are you going? The old man says, lady, I can't take 67 more of those!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68t8c9/an_old_man_is_celebrating_his_80th_birthday/
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My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony...

...which was ironic because we were at a train station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68t6um/my_friend_told_me_that_i_dont_understand_the/
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Why can't you wear shorts in Ukraine?

Because Chernobyl fallout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68t693/why_cant_you_wear_shorts_in_ukraine/
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What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68t4fz/what_do_you_call_a_can_opener_that_doesnt_work/
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"Name one person that could beat Captain America"

Captain Vietnam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68t46w/name_one_person_that_could_beat_captain_america/
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I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...

He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68t34d/i_was_joking_with_my_mailman_and_said_i_had_a/
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I accidentally ordered a ham and cheddar instead of a turkey and swiss...

Whoops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68t2qa/i_accidentally_ordered_a_ham_and_cheddar_instead/
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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.....

....He hypnotized 7 guys...then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME".....what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68t0u5/i_felt_sorry_for_the_hypnotist_i_saw_last_night/
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What do you call a guy with a small penis?

Justin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sz8i/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_small_penis/
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Why did Michael Jackson like twenty nine year olds?

There's 20 of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sz1r/why_did_michael_jackson_like_twenty_nine_year_olds/
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A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden...

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They’re mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That’s a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.
The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sxyb/a_father_watched_his_young_daughter_as_she_played/
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A guy walks into a whorehouse

He says “I want the cheapest one you got, I don’t have much money.” The guy behind the counter says “How bout the $1.95 cent special?” The customer says “ok”, and he paid, headed to the room. When he opened the door, he found this beautiful whore spread out, just waiting for him. He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her. Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears. He freaked, “omg she’s sick!” He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happening, and the guy says “hey John! The dead one’s full again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68swaw/a_guy_walks_into_a_whorehouse/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68svkl/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Why Do Midgets Laugh When They Run?

...Because the grass tickles their balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68svgj/why_do_midgets_laugh_when_they_run/
%
A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"
First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.
Second guy: "I assure you I did not see a thing... but my wife here did"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68suyj/a_bank_robber_gets_hold_of_the_cash_he_needs_but/
%
I'm very naive sexually. My partner asked me to do missionary...

... and I went off to Africa for six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68stx2/im_very_naive_sexually_my_partner_asked_me_to_do/
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A man walks into a bar, and sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?"
He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ss2a/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_an_attractive/
%
Can we stop making Hitler jokes?

It really takes me out of mein kampfort zone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68srlt/can_we_stop_making_hitler_jokes/
%
My buddy and his wife were furious with me after I threw confetti on them as they left the church…

They shouted, "This is completely inappropriate at a child's funeral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sq6q/my_buddy_and_his_wife_were_furious_with_me_after/
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I've been keeping a count of the prostitutes I've been sleeping with.

Tally ho!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sokd/ive_been_keeping_a_count_of_the_prostitutes_ive/
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What do we want? More research into a cure for ADHD! When do we want it?

Let's play swingball!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68smy2/what_do_we_want_more_research_into_a_cure_for/
%
I Always Feel Bad For Gay Homeless People

They have no closet to come out of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sme7/i_always_feel_bad_for_gay_homeless_people/
%
I just read a book about building battleships...

...it was riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68shyb/i_just_read_a_book_about_building_battleships/
%
I asked my grandfather what it's like in a graveyard

He said he wasn't sure but it must be good, as last he heard everyone he knew was dying to get in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68shnh/i_asked_my_grandfather_what_its_like_in_a/
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Dirty Dave

the flasher was thinking about retiring. But he decided to stick it out for another year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sg9m/dirty_dave/
%
Can I touch it?

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy and asked him, "Can I touch it?" He replied, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sfzn/can_i_touch_it/
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There were two statues...

...him and her, on a pedestal for hundreds of years. One day God noticed them and sent St. Peter to bring them to life, giving them an hour of life as a reward for enduring the weather for that long.
So St. Peter revives them and tells them the deal "for enduring hot sun, blizzards, hail etc. you have one hour of life to do what you wanted most for the hundreds of years since you're statues".
The couple wastes no time, and holding hands they head for the bushes. After half an hour of giggles and moans they come out all joyful and blushed.
St. Peter checks the time and tells them "hey, you still have another half an hour to do whatever you craved most this whole time".
Eyes full of joy he looks at her and says "let's do it again but this time you hold the damn pigeon and I'll shit on it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sfje/there_were_two_statues/
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popular male at a nudist colony

Q: Who's the most popular male at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sfbi/popular_male_at_a_nudist_colony/
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between a genealogist and a gynecologist

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68seor/between_a_genealogist_and_a_gynecologist/
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It's no surprise that the Williams sisters...

It's no surprise that the Williams sisters always win at tennis.
Black people have centuries of experience serving.
And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sd1r/its_no_surprise_that_the_williams_sisters/
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What do lesbians cook on the weekends?

Q: What do lesbians cook on the weekends? A: Nothing; they eat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68scws/what_do_lesbians_cook_on_the_weekends/
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I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sbxr/i_have_an_epipen/
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I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing…

He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”
I said, “They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sbs5/i_went_to_my_doctor_today_and_told_him_i_was/
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What's the best part of a gypsy on her period?

When you finger her, you get you palm read for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sadu/whats_the_best_part_of_a_gypsy_on_her_period/
%
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied,

"Thanks for the Baghdad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sa9o/a_father_in_iraq_gifted_his_daughter_a_new_bag/
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Six year old Kid looking at Mom's ID card...

SEX - F
He laughs...
Mom : Whats so funny ?
Kid : I can't believe you are
so bad in Sex.
You Failed in it!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68s7a8/six_year_old_kid_looking_at_moms_id_card/
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So, an Indian went to the US embassy

to get a visa for a visit to his friend placed there. When asked where he was going, he replied,"San Jose"...!
The immigration officer corrected  that San Jose is pronounced ''San Hose'' ...J is pronounced as ''H''
'' So how long is your stay in San Jose?''
"7 months; from Hanuary to Huly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68s61s/so_an_indian_went_to_the_us_embassy/
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TIFU by joining the army when I'm already a karate champ

Nearly killed myself when I first saluted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68s4w4/tifu_by_joining_the_army_when_im_already_a_karate/
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A sneaky question in a Police interrogation.

Investigator: "Now there's a couple of things I want to know; who's the murderer and what's the square root of -1?"
Suspect: "It is i."
Investigator: "Gotcha bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68s23x/a_sneaky_question_in_a_police_interrogation/
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I keep finding 2 dimensional objects all over the house...

I think they're my flat mates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68rswp/i_keep_finding_2_dimensional_objects_all_over_the/
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What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Get in the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68rqcf/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_they_got_in/
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The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68rn1u/the_police_have_just_released_my_motherinlaw/
%
A girl brings her boyfriend to meet her dad...

Dad: Of all people, you choose to be with this stupid and lazy arse?
Boyfriend: ...
Girl: Dad, don't say things like that about him! You don't even know him yet. He's currently studying to get a doctorate in physics while working a full time job.
Dad: (to Girl) I wasn't talking to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68rkr5/a_girl_brings_her_boyfriend_to_meet_her_dad/
%
Here's a pessimist joke:

Never mind.. it isn't good enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68rkmi/heres_a_pessimist_joke/
%
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68rin0/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
Why did the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.
So how did that AP Chem test go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ri7p/why_did_the_military_use_acid/
%
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68rgx1/so_there_was_this_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove/
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I'm starting to worry about my suicidal friend

But I'm sure he's hanging around somewhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68rfar/im_starting_to_worry_about_my_suicidal_friend/
%
Teacher: "Use the word dandelion in a sentence"

Student: "De cheetah is faster dandelion"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68r9jj/teacher_use_the_word_dandelion_in_a_sentence/
%
Children are like scrambled eggs.

They are only good when properly beaten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68r5kg/children_are_like_scrambled_eggs/
%
Al and Joe are sitting on the front porch of Joe's barn.

Joe says, "I think I want to get an education, you know, do something besides farm."
"You'll have to head down to the community college in town for that," replies Al.
So Joe walks down the next day and signs up for some classes. The woman helping him choose classes informs him that he'll be taking math, English, science, social studies, and logic.
"Logic?" Joe hadn't heard of this as a class.
"Yeah, I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed wacker?"
"I do."
"If you do, I'd assume you have a yard."
"I actually live on a farm, so yes."
"Alright. Then I'd assume you have a house."
"Well, yes."
"From there I'd guess you have a wife, then that you are probably heterosexual."
"Both are true!" Joe was astounded.
When he got back to the farm, he told Al his classes.
"Logic?" Al is just as oblivious as Joe first was.
"I'll give you an example." Joe remembers his lesson from earlier. "Do you have a weed wacker?"
"Why no, I don't," Al says.
"You never told me you were gay!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68r43n/al_and_joe_are_sitting_on_the_front_porch_of_joes/
%
A ten-year-old boy walks into a brothel...

And he has a long string. Tied to the end of the string is a huge frog, a frog the size of a dinner plate, that has been squished flat. He walks up to the madam of the brothel and says "I want to fuck one of your girls."
The madam thinks for a moment and figures the place is illegal any way so why the fuck not? She agrees.
The kid says, "But I want to fuck one of your dirty girls, one that I could catch something from."
The madam is offended, "This is a clean establishment!"
After a little discussion it is settled that there is, in fact, a dirty girl in room 7. She has gonorrhea.
"Why would you ever want to sleep with an infected girl?" asks the madam.
"Where here's the thing: I'm getting babysat tonight. And my babysitter? Real sick fuck, she's gonna rape me. So I figure I can give her the clap.
"And then my dad, when he drives her home, is gonna fuck her and she will give him the clap.
"Then when he comes home and fucks my mom she will get the clap.
"And tomorrow when she fucks the mailman she will give him the clap.
"And he is the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68r438/a_tenyearold_boy_walks_into_a_brothel/
%
Three blokes come across a castle while wandering the woods..

They knock on the door and an older man answers
The first of the three men ask if there's any place they can spend the night, as it was getting dark out and night was coming soon.
The old man responded to the first man "yes, but I don't like you. You'll have to sleep with the cows." The first man gratefully bows and walks to the cow barn.
The second man asks for a place to stay and the old man responds "yes, but I'm not sure how I feel about you either. You'll have to sleep with the pigs." The second man bows and makes his way to the pigsty.
The third man asks if there's any place for him to sleep and the old man responds "why yes there is. I like you the most out of your friends there. You can sleep in the castle with my 18 daughters." The third man ecstatically runs up the stairs to the bedrooms.
The next morning the three friends get back on the road. A few minutes into their journey the first guy speaks up. He says "Man, I feel like a heifer after sleeping with those cows".
The other two laugh as the second man says "you know, sleeping with those pigs makes me feel like a ham!"
They all laugh as the third man says "man I feel like a golf ball."
The other two look at the third in confusion and ask "whys that?"
The third man responds "I got in 18 holes last night"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68r2c0/three_blokes_come_across_a_castle_while_wandering/
%
What do you call a cow that masturbates?

Beef Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68r0ai/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_masturbates/
%
There are three kingdoms, one on each side of a roughly triangular lake...

One of the kingdoms is marvelous, almost every house build lavishly, the royal castle made of gold, protected by an army of shining, masterful knights. This gold kingdom is the most wealthy of the three.
One of the kingdoms is modestly wealthy, each house built to last and the castle a beautiful structure. This kingdom possessed of an army of well trained, powerful knights, and was the second most wealthy of the three.
The last kingdom, however, was poor. Each man, woman, and child struggled to get through each day, each house barely stood steady, and the castle was barely a castle at all, rather just a slightly more solid structure. And the army, well, there was hardly an army.
Eventually, each of the three kingdoms decided that it wanted possession of the lake. It was the greatest resource of the area. The gold kingdom was used to getting what it wanted, and it wanted the lake. The silver kingdom felt that it could better compete with its wealthier neighbor, if only it had sole control of the fishing industry. And the poor kingdom, well, they had nothing to lose.
And so, the golden kingdom amassed 100 of its most well-trained knights, each in possession of a dedicated squire to attend to his every want.
The silver kingdom could not quite afford 100 knights, but could bring about 50, but each knight had 2 squires to attend to his whims.
The silver kingdom roused its sole knight. This was a man of great experience, but withering and weak with years. This man had a single squire, an old friend, just as wise, who had faithfully served him since before the hairs on his head shone gray.
The night before the battle, all the knights of the gold kingdom spent all of their coin in taverns, drinking to their hearts' content. After all, if the night was to be their last, they wanted it to be a good one.
The knights of the silver kingdom could not quite afford so much drink, but the other citizens of the kingdom got together to throw a massive party through the entire night, wishing them luck and good fortune in the battle the following morning.
But the old man and his friend from the poor kingdom could not celebrate quite so fervently. Despite their lack of coin, however, the squire was able to bring his friend an old pot from home, and together they made a stew, which they hung high over a fire from a noose tied to a tree. And there they say all night, enjoying the food and each other's company until weariness brought them both to sleep.
The following morning, all the knights of the golden kingdom were hungover, and they could not wake up. The knights of the silver kingdom were exhausted, and they could not stand. The withered old knight of the poor kingdom was too sore to move, as the night of sleeping on the hard ground had stiffened his joints.
And so all the squires had to carry out the battle for their masters. As they were all of similar training, the squires of the gold kingdom and the squires of the silver kingdom wiped each other out, not a single man standing by the end of it. However, the old man's squire was wise, and waited out the battle.
As the squire of the old withered knight was the last man standing, the lake went to the poor kingdom, and it was not long before the poor kingdom was not quite so poor as before.
And so it just goes to show, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qyb0/there_are_three_kingdoms_one_on_each_side_of_a/
%
My daughter asked what I was doing with my shotgun, I said I was hunting decepticons. She laughed, I laughed, the refrigerator laughed, I shot the refrigerator. Turns out...

It's illegal to fire a gun within city limits, I got arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qxf2/my_daughter_asked_what_i_was_doing_with_my/
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How does the man on the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qw1b/how_does_the_man_on_the_moon_cut_his_hair/
%
A sheep walked into a...

"barrrrr" rudely interrupted the sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qu8s/a_sheep_walked_into_a/
%
Why did the banker quit his job?

He lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qqv0/why_did_the_banker_quit_his_job/
%
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qpr1/my_therapist_said_that_my_narcissism_causes_me_to/
%
What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?

A man will actually search for the golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qp9d/whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a_golf/
%
A father says to his son, "Son, you're adopted."

Son: "What? That's not funny, dad."
Dad: "Yup, pack your stuff, they'll be here in an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qngg/a_father_says_to_his_son_son_youre_adopted/
%
I never understood how Dr. Frankenstein got overpowered by his monster...

... I mean, the guy was an amazing body builder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qltq/i_never_understood_how_dr_frankenstein_got/
%
A snake walks into a bar.

The bartender says "How the fuck did you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qkck/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Just got an email from Google explaining how to read maps backward...

Turned out to be spam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qkcd/just_got_an_email_from_google_explaining_how_to/
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How high was the man's scream when his penis was crushed by a piano?

It was probably about a D-Flat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qjwr/how_high_was_the_mans_scream_when_his_penis_was/
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My lesbian neighbors asked what I wanted for my birthday.

Then, they gave me a brand new Rolex the next day. It was really nice and all, but I think they misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qg5h/my_lesbian_neighbors_asked_what_i_wanted_for_my/
%
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qesk/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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Tried to score on my girlfriend in soccer yesterday, but kept failing,

Guess she's a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qbwq/tried_to_score_on_my_girlfriend_in_soccer/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qb73/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What do you call a girl with 1 leg?

Eileen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68qa0y/what_do_you_call_a_girl_with_1_leg/
%
What is the scariest way to get through the woods?

The psycho path

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68q9lq/what_is_the_scariest_way_to_get_through_the_woods/
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Pierre The French Fighter Pilot

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.
"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68q9lu/pierre_the_french_fighter_pilot/
%
I was intrigued by finding out all these students were having sex with their teachers, so I decided to join the club.

It didn't occur to me until 3 weeks after I had sex with my teacher that I'm home schooled.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68q5af/i_was_intrigued_by_finding_out_all_these_students/
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What do you call a lawn mower that operates on its own?

Cutting-hedge technology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68q4nk/what_do_you_call_a_lawn_mower_that_operates_on/
%
A piano player died today.

The cause of death: organ failure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68pzo4/a_piano_player_died_today/
%
What do electrical engineers call their friends?

Ohmies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68pyk7/what_do_electrical_engineers_call_their_friends/
%
What do you get when you take the red circle off the Japanese flag?

The French flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68pwpk/what_do_you_get_when_you_take_the_red_circle_off/
%
If Caitlyn Jenner was a superhero..

she would be with the Ex-men. Or trans-Formers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68pwa4/if_caitlyn_jenner_was_a_superhero/
%
I set my password to be the last 4 digits of pi.

Nobody's ever been able to crack it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68pvjp/i_set_my_password_to_be_the_last_4_digits_of_pi/
%
What did the square say to the circle?

Your life seems pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68pug1/what_did_the_square_say_to_the_circle/
%
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.....

Turns out it just changes the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68pmxc/i_thought_my_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife_from/
%
I saw a truck coming up behind me, but I couldn't figure out what it was trying to do.

And then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68pknm/i_saw_a_truck_coming_up_behind_me_but_i_couldnt/
%
Whats the difference between affection and adore?

You can't slam your wife's head in affection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68pinu/whats_the_difference_between_affection_and_adore/
%
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68pdih/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_were_all_lost/
%
What do you call an egyptian god with a photographic memory?

Cam-Ra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68pc1h/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_god_with_a/
%
A man his wife and a stranger

A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.  The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger. The three start to build a watchtower.  The stranger offers to take first watch.  While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!" The husband yells back, "We're not having sex!" Later, the stranger yells out to them again.  Again, the husband yells back and corrects him.  This happens several times during the stranger's shift. Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower.  His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach. The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68pb8q/a_man_his_wife_and_a_stranger/
%
I have inpenetrable will.

No solicitor or homeless person could ever get to me.
The answer is always the firmest of NOs.
Why, just the other day an elderly woman with a black eye asked me if I could give the money I had.
I refused.
Then she began to cry. Bawling her eyes out, she begged me:
"Please, I've been assaulted, and robbed of every last penny to my name. And I need that money to feed my poor grandchildren who just lost their mother and father".
But you know what?
I STILL didn't give her her money back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68p9g7/i_have_inpenetrable_will/
%
Google is a woman

I can't speak without it trying to finish my sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68p87o/google_is_a_woman/
%
What do you call a book that lists the names of every drug on Earth?

Addictionary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68p73n/what_do_you_call_a_book_that_lists_the_names_of/
%
At an ISIS recruitment centre...

Interviewer: Name?
Recruit: Saaed Bin Hasrat.
Interviewer: Sex?
Recruit: Often twice a day.
Interviewer: No, no. Male or female?
Recruit: Male, female, sometimes camel, mostly sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68p3rg/at_an_isis_recruitment_centre/
%
If you're Russian to the bathroom, but American when you come out, what are when you're inside the bathroom?

European.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68p1wg/if_youre_russian_to_the_bathroom_but_american/
%
Drunk Sean Spicer

Sean Spicer had a few extra shots at the White House ball. Drunk as a skunk, he wandered the grounds until he came upon the Rochambeau statue in Lafayette Square.
As he sat puking in the bushes, he suddenly heard a distinct pssssttt... Afraid that a MSNBC journalist might catch him in this state, he wheeled around when he heard the pssssstttt again. It appeared to be coming from the Rochambeau statue. Sean approached the statue cautiously and asked what is it? And the statue replied: "I am tired of standing here for years, pointing at nothing. I need to rest my back. Old Andrew Jackson over there has a horse to sit on. At least get me a horse."
Sean considered this request, found it reasonable and promised to do something about it.
The next morning, Sean was at the Oval Office pleading with the Donald to get a horse for Rochambeau. Donald heard his story, switched to Fox, saw no mention of horse or Rochambeau and refused to believe him. But Sean kept at it, begging and pleading. Finally the Donald relented. He agreed to go down to the statue with Sean and verify the facts of the matter himself.
So for ten minutes, the POTUS, the Secret Service and Sean stood in front of Rochambeau waiting for it to speak. But nothing. Finally the Donald admonished Sean in the harshest possible words (but under 140 characters) for wasting his time and left with his retinue. Poor Sean kept standing there, feeling very foolish.
And just then he heard the familiar pssssttt from the state and Rochambeau whispered: "You imbecile. I asked you for a horse and you got me an ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68p06j/drunk_sean_spicer/
%
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ozx1/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
%
I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68oyis/i_spent_four_years_at_college_and_didnt_learn/
%
Someone stole all the ladders from my farm

I guess they really wanted to get high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68oy29/someone_stole_all_the_ladders_from_my_farm/
%
What does a bison say to its son before it goes to work?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68oxws/what_does_a_bison_say_to_its_son_before_it_goes/
%
TIFU by having sex with my best friends wife in an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68otdu/tifu_by_having_sex_with_my_best_friends_wife_in/
%
I say a soldier who survives a mustard gas and a pepper spray attack

must be a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68osr9/i_say_a_soldier_who_survives_a_mustard_gas_and_a/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10, but imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68opz1/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
6 years ago today Seal Team Six took out Bin Laden

Tonight I am going to celebrate with a drink consisting of two shots and a splash of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68on96/6_years_ago_today_seal_team_six_took_out_bin_laden/
%
Another thermometer joke....

Question:  What's the difference between an anal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
Answer:  Taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68on67/another_thermometer_joke/
%
I am pretty sure I don't have any chinese ancestors...

but I could be Wong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ol8h/i_am_pretty_sure_i_dont_have_any_chinese_ancestors/
%
With great power comes great...

electricity bills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ofzj/with_great_power_comes_great/
%
Ban?????

"How did things go organizing a muslim travelling band?"
"Band? Sir, i'm sorry we thought you said ban."
"Ban! That's a bit harsh isn't it? Nevermind, how are things progressing with our new Mexican mall?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68oe9e/ban/
%
Did you hear about the sensitive robber?

He takes things personally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68oc0c/did_you_hear_about_the_sensitive_robber/
%
Crazy girlfriends are like a box of chocolates...

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68o2mu/crazy_girlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What is the cutest mental disability?

Awwtism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68nzyu/what_is_the_cutest_mental_disability/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68nzhl/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
I just asked my blind roommate to tell me what something said in Braille,

I didn't realize a lego brick said "Fuck You"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68nvvj/i_just_asked_my_blind_roommate_to_tell_me_what/
%
As a child, my dad gave me some money to go pay the electric bill. Instead, I used the money to buy a raffle ticket for a new truck.

I went home and told my dad what I had done, and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day when we woke up, my dad opened the door, and there in front of our house was a brand new truck. We all cried, but especially me, because the truck was from the electric company. They were there to shut off our power. My dad beat the crap out of me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ntr1/as_a_child_my_dad_gave_me_some_money_to_go_pay/
%
Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons

It's cute and exciting when it first starts out but then it gets obnoxious and should stay in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68nsbg/winter_is_like_the_justin_bieber_of_seasons/
%
There is a hole in the nudist camp's wall.

Police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68nljn/there_is_a_hole_in_the_nudist_camps_wall/
%
So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo...

...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him.
A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.
The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68nj85/so_a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo/
%
Someone broke into my house and stole all the lamps.

I was delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ni4a/someone_broke_into_my_house_and_stole_all_the/
%
Did you hear about the shooting at Helen Keller's house?

She didn't either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68nhzj/did_you_hear_about_the_shooting_at_helen_kellers/
%
3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work

2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences.  The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy.  "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68nbwp/3_irish_brothers_always_get_a_pint_together_after/
%
My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68n8hc/my_newborn_nephew_entered_the_world_with_the/
%
The author of The Great Gatsby really pisses me off

F Scott Fitzgerald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68n5x1/the_author_of_the_great_gatsby_really_pisses_me/
%
What do you call simultaneous urination and ejaculation?

A peanut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68n58n/what_do_you_call_simultaneous_urination_and/
%
If a fireman offers you two ways to escape your burning house...

...always take the latter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68n48c/if_a_fireman_offers_you_two_ways_to_escape_your/
%
What an asshole!

said the priest about the altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68n465/what_an_asshole/
%
[NSFW] [LONG] A young boy is walking home...

He passes through a park and hears a couple having sex. The man says “I love your pussy” and the girl says “you have a great dick”.
The curious boy asks them what dicks and pussies are. The man, trying to make up an excuse, says “er….they're others names for men and women”.
The boy continues home and passes a pharmacy which says ‘Condoms for sale inside’. The boy goes in and asks what a condom is. Again, trying to find a euphemism, the clerk says “um….it's a type of hat.”
The boy gets home. As the family is expecting visitors his Mum is putting makeup on. She smudges a bit and says “Shit!” The child asks what that means. Realising her mistake, the Mum hastily says “Oh it's….another name for makeup”.
The boy’s father is cooking a chicken for the guests, and he accidentally burns himself. He shouts “Fuck!” Again the boy asks what that word means. The father says “well…it means to cook”.
Anyway, the guests have arrived and as his parents are busy, the young boy opens the door and says:
“Hello dicks and pussies, let me take your condoms. My Mum is upstairs putting shit all over herself and my Dad is fucking the chicken.”
Not OG!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68n1an/nsfw_long_a_young_boy_is_walking_home/
%
The past, present and future all walk into a bar

It was very tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68n0p3/the_past_present_and_future_all_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face? Are you depressed?"
The horse, being used to this shitty joke shrugs it off and says "No, I don't think" when suddenly, poof! He disappears without a trace
I would have explained the philosophy behind this at the beginning but I didn't want to put Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68myd6/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad you're alive?

I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68mwt8/do_you_ever_wake_up_kiss_the_person_sleeping/
%
The breathalyzer test

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed was how hot the driver was - blue eyes, blonde, the works.
“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?”
“What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
“It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
“Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop.
“Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde.
“It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
“I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car.The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration.
After a few moments, the dispatcher came back,
“Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”
“Yes.” replied the officer
“Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher.
“Uh… yes.” replied the cop.
“Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”
“What? I can’t do that. It’s inappropriate!” exclaimed the cop.
“Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs… “Ohh no… not another breath-analyzer…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68mw7l/the_breathalyzer_test/
%
My dad said not to go to cheap, low class strip clubs, because I'll see things I shouldn't...

Sure enough, I had to go and there's my dad getting a lap dance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68mvvl/my_dad_said_not_to_go_to_cheap_low_class_strip/
%
It's all shits and giggles

until someone giggles and shits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68mvqn/its_all_shits_and_giggles/
%
A married man farts all the time...

And in one of his particulary explosive bouts of wind, his long suffering wife says the following. "One day you'll fart so hard you'll fart your guts right out!!"
With that, he just pays his wife's words with no heed and goes about his business.
A few days later, after the previous night having far too many beers and a super hot curry with his friends, he puts his keys in the door and comes in after work.  His wife is in the kitchen preparing dinner, tonight it's chicken.
He hangs up his coat and farts super loud and stinky... his wife is hating him just about as much as you can expect after 20 years of it!
BUT...His wife says nothing... he then declares "I'm going upstairs for a shower".  So, when she knows he's in the shower, she stealthily creeps upstairs and puts the chicken giblets into the back of his trousers that he has folded on the chair in the bedroom.
She creeps back downstairs and waits...
About 10 minutes later she hears a loud shriek!!!  She shouts upstairs, "What's wrong??!!", after a minute of silence, he shouts "Nothing dear"...
About 5 minutes later, he comes down, looking as pale as a sheet, with beads of sweat on his forehead...
He says "You were right you know, I actually farted my guts RIGHT out!! But with a bit of effort, some vaseline and a shoe horn I got the bastards back in again!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68mrs0/a_married_man_farts_all_the_time/
%
What do you call a Mexican Jedi?

Obi Juan Kenobi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68mq9p/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_jedi/
%
As the hurricane said to the coconut palm:

“Better hold on to your nuts. This is not a normal blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68mowe/as_the_hurricane_said_to_the_coconut_palm/
%
A flight crew is landing at an unfamiliar airport.

The control tower gives them a runway assignment, and they start their approach.
The pilot says, "Does that runway look kind of short to you?"
The co-pilot says, "It sure does."
"I thought that it was supposed to be longer than that."
"Me too."
"Better set full flaps."
"Full flaps are set."
"I want thrust reversers the minute we touch."
"Standing by on the thrust reversers."
"And full power once thrust reversers are set."
"Roger that."
"I'm gonna try to catch the end of the runway, and stand on the brakes. Stand by to reverse thrust."
"Roger that."
They touch down, blast the thrust reversers, stomp the brakes, and just manage to get the plane stopped before it runs off into the grass.
The pilot says, "Damn, that was a short runway."
The co-pilot says, "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68morv/a_flight_crew_is_landing_at_an_unfamiliar_airport/
%
Whenever I asked for an ice cream from the van, my Mum would tell me that when they played music it meant that they’d run out

This isn't a joke, I'm 30 yrs old now finding out otherwise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68mnxh/whenever_i_asked_for_an_ice_cream_from_the_van_my/
%
A doctor goes to the bank to deposit a check...

He walks up to the teller and hands it to her, but she reminds him that it needs to be signed. He reaches into his pocket for a pen, but pulls out a rectal thermometer. He says, "Oh crap.." The teller asks, "Is something wrong?" and the doctor replies, "It's nothing, just that some asshole has my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68mkgs/a_doctor_goes_to_the_bank_to_deposit_a_check/
%
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?

I think it's called Two Baroque Girls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68mhbi/did_you_hear_about_the_new_netflix_series_the_one/
%
(NSFW) The Anatomy Class

Some medical students attends an anatomy class and today's subject is involuntary muscle contractions. The professor tries to lighten the mood in the class by asking:
"Do you know what your asshole is doing, while you are orgasming?"
-“Yes”, says one of the female students, “He is usually at home, watching the kids.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68mgid/nsfw_the_anatomy_class/
%
Why is Stevie Wonder unable to see his friends?

Because he's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68maal/why_is_stevie_wonder_unable_to_see_his_friends/
%
I remember when my mom use to tuck me in as a kid

Man, she really wanted a daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68m6i8/i_remember_when_my_mom_use_to_tuck_me_in_as_a_kid/
%
How do you fit an elephant into a subway?

You take the S out of Sub and the F out of Way.
"There's no F in Way"
Correct!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68lz4p/how_do_you_fit_an_elephant_into_a_subway/
%
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68lyhp/wife_i_look_fat_can_you_give_me_a_compliment/
%
How are Computers and Air Conditioners similar?

They both stop working when you open windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68lxu3/how_are_computers_and_air_conditioners_similar/
%
I just made my new wrestling name. My name is Off In Church...

Because no one beats off in church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68lwyz/i_just_made_my_new_wrestling_name_my_name_is_off/
%
An HR manager dies ....

One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman
was hit by a bus and was tragically killed. Her soul
arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly
Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get
settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see,
strangely enough, we've never once had an HR manager
make it this far and we're really not sure what to do
with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What
we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a
day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you
want to spend an eternity in," the Saint replied.
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to
stay in Heaven."
"Sorry, we have our rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the HR manager in an
elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors
opened and the HR manager found herself stepping out
onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In
the distance was a country club and standing in front
of her were all her friends - fellow HR professionals
that she had worked with. They were all dressed in
evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and
kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times. They played an excellent round of golf and at
night went to the country club where she enjoyed an
excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil
who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she
had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The HR
manager was having such a good time that before she
knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The
elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates where St. Peter was waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven" he said. So
the HR manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around
on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had
a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were
up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day
in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The HR manager paused for a second and then replied,
"Well, I never thought I'd say this. I mean, Heaven has
been really great and all, but I think I had a better
time in Hell."
So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again
the HR manager went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself
standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and
filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and
were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the
evening meal. The Devil came up to her and put his arm
around her and laughed at her.
"I don't understand," stammered the HR manager.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a
country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a
great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and
all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and grinned: "That's because
yesterday we were recruiting you... but today you're
staff."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68lrof/an_hr_manager_dies/
%
A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal
"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked
"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"
Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68lqpq/a_man_goes_to_jail/
%
What did the coder say to his coder girlfriend?

You had me at "hello world".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68lm4z/what_did_the_coder_say_to_his_coder_girlfriend/
%
For the first few weeks after joining Weight Watchers...

... You're just finding your feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68lm2d/for_the_first_few_weeks_after_joining_weight/
%
So a guy kills himself the night he gets acquitted of murder.

No one explained to him what a hung jury meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68llet/so_a_guy_kills_himself_the_night_he_gets/
%
I just walked in on my manager vigorously masturbating.

He told me to stop vigorously masturbating and get the hell out of his office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68lk1y/i_just_walked_in_on_my_manager_vigorously/
%
Why didn't Jesus play hockey?

He was afraid he would get nailed to the boards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68lhzr/why_didnt_jesus_play_hockey/
%
What's the worst type of tree to give as a wedding gift?

An adult tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68lhwq/whats_the_worst_type_of_tree_to_give_as_a_wedding/
%
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…

Mostly because his name is Steve…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68lakn/my_boss_hates_it_when_i_shorten_his_name_to_dick/
%
A woman with terminal sickness calls for her husband for a final talk.

"Hebert" *cough* "Everything is settled for my final departure, I just have one final thing to ask of you" *cough* "Should you ever find a new woman in your life please do not let her wear my clothes..."
Herbert: "Okay hun, I promise... she's not your size anyway..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68l6tn/a_woman_with_terminal_sickness_calls_for_her/
%
I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I’ll be in my lab…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68l5fr/im_a_scientist_whos_researching_bestiality/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68l3ye/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
What is the owl's favorite school subject?

Owlgebra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68l3g0/what_is_the_owls_favorite_school_subject/
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Most Confusing Password

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68kynl/most_confusing_password/
%
What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie?

That's a Moray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68kyna/what_kind_of_eel_hits_your_eye_like_a_big_pizza/
%
A single woman on her period decides that she does not longer want to sit around at home ...

... and that it is time to hit the town for some drinks. Maybe she will meet that special someone tonight? She decides to go to the local bar.
As she sits at the bar by herself a very drunk gentleman approaches and starts to flirt with her. It is clear the man wants to have sex with her. However, she really does not want to be with this guy as he is so blackout drunk and she is on her period. She just wants to enjoy the night out.
As the night continues, she also starts to get a little tipsy and finally decides to go home with this guy. “He is so drunk, he won’t notice that I am on my period.” she thought to herself.
As they arrive at the guy’s apartment they immediately “get down to business”. As soon as they are finished the guy falls asleep and starts to snore loudly. The woman, feeling a little bit of shame, decides to leave his apartment and goes back home.
The next morning the guy wakes up in his bed. He tries to remember what happened the night before. He vaguely remembers picking up a chick and brining her home with him. “Alright!” he thinks and looks to the other side of the bed. The woman was not there anymore. However, he suddenly notices that the whole bed is covered in blood.
He jumps up from the bed in horror. “Oh my god….oh my god….did I kill this poor women while I was blackout drunk?”. He starts to panic and paces around like a madman in his apartment. “How did I kill her? Where is the body?”
He runs into the kitchen to check his knifes and cleavers. All of them were clean. “ So I did not stab her or chop her up…” he thought to himself.
Then he runs to his gun cabinet to see if he used any of the guns and ammo. “I also did not shoot her…” he said to himself.
Panic rising more and more in his chest, he also looks into his toolbox to see If he might have used one of his hammers to kill her. “No, none of my tools were used” he whispered.
Desperate on finding out how he killed this poor woman he slouched into the bathroom to freshen up a little. He lifts his head to look at himself in the mirror. Then he says: “Shit, I ate her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68kyit/a_single_woman_on_her_period_decides_that_she/
%
Two Italian men get on a bus...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ky32/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
%
A family walks into a hotel...

...and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68kw4s/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
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A discussion me and my wife just had

*Me trying to place the curtain on its rails*
Me:I can't reach it, I need 10 more cm to do it!
Wife:*sigh*.. I know..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68kska/a_discussion_me_and_my_wife_just_had/
%
The Governor's Allegory.

Intending to make a strong statement about his administration, the Governor drew on an allegory during his speech.
"A father wanted to teach a lesson to his three sons. He called them to the barn and gave them each a 100$ bill and asked them to buy something with it that could fill the whole room.
The first bought 100$ worth of hay, but it wasn't enough to fill the barn.
The second bought 100$ worth of cotton, but that wasn't enough either.
The third bought 5$ worth of candles and lit them, filling the barn with light.
My administration is like the third son, spendthrift and efficient. Illuminating thus state with the light of progress. "
As he sat down to thunderous applause from his peers, a snide voice from the opposition demanded:
" All that is rather swell. But where did the balance 95$ vanish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68kpnf/the_governors_allegory/
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A post gets to the front page the same way a woman makes it to the head of a corporation...

It blows up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68kora/a_post_gets_to_the_front_page_the_same_way_a/
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Asian people are pretty cool

If only they could see that..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68kixg/asian_people_are_pretty_cool/
%
How do you tell the difference between an X and Y chromosome?

You pull down its genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68khzd/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_an_x_and_y/
%
I used to go fishing with Skrillex

but he kept dropping the bass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68kh03/i_used_to_go_fishing_with_skrillex/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68kgvn/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
My father has a heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68kg7z/my_father_has_a_heart_of_a_lion/
%
Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran?

Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68kejh/did_you_know_there_is_a_hungry_hippo_that_was_a/
%
So a man asked a woman " I'll pay you a million dollars to sleep with me" she said "yes" the man then asked "what can I get for a dollar?" She said "what kinda person do you think I am?"

The man replied "that's already been determined. I'm negotiating."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68k7cd/so_a_man_asked_a_woman_ill_pay_you_a_million/
%
Help! I'm stuck in this gas chamber.

If I don't get out now I'll die from all this oxygen and nitrogen in 70 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68k75b/help_im_stuck_in_this_gas_chamber/
%
What game should you play if you're bored in a bus full of indians?

Connect the dots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68k31q/what_game_should_you_play_if_youre_bored_in_a_bus/
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I have an amazing ability, I find objects just before people lose them.

The police however call it theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68k1jx/i_have_an_amazing_ability_i_find_objects_just/
%
To understand recursion...

You must first understand recursion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68k0ff/to_understand_recursion/
%
It's isn't rocket science

A patient on the dentist's chair was scared and quite apprehensive about the procedure he was going to undergo.
He asks a lot of questions and details from the dentist.
The dentist says, reassuringly:
"Relax, it's not brain surgery....Unless I slip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68k08q/its_isnt_rocket_science/
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Diverse Construction Crew

Three men are hired to start a new construction project; an American man, a German man, and a Chinese man. Their boss gives them their daily tasks for the first day on the job and asks them all to gather specific things they will need before they start. He tells the American man he is in charge of wood, puts the German man in charge of digging, and asks the Chinese man to be in charge of supplies. He trusts they will all do their job and leaves them for a couple hours to get some work of his own done in his trailer. He returns just before lunch and asks if everyone has done what he asked them to do. The American man shows the boss the massive piles of wood he has gathered and already cut into the correct dimensions they need. The German man then shows the boss the massive pile of dirt he has accumulated by digging out the perfect size hole they will need for their building. At this point the Chinese man is nowhere to be found, and the other two workers realize that they had not seen him since before they began doing their respective jobs. Angered, the boss begins to storm off the site, when all of a sudden the Chinese man jumps from behind the dirt pile and yells, “SUPPLIES!!!”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68jzoo/diverse_construction_crew/
%
What doesn't kill you

cripples you with medical debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68jw3d/what_doesnt_kill_you/
%
What do boners and stains have in common?

If you get it wet and rub it enough it'll go away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68jv9m/what_do_boners_and_stains_have_in_common/
%
You go to a Halloween party wearing nothing but blue jeans. When someone asks you who you are, you reply, "I'm a premature ejaculator."

You see, I just came in my pants.
"Credit goes to some dudes post on something earlier, couldn't find it to give him credit. Thought it was too funny not to share."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68jtfr/you_go_to_a_halloween_party_wearing_nothing_but/
%
Why is there no walmarts in the middle east?

Because there are targets on every single corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68jouy/why_is_there_no_walmarts_in_the_middle_east/
%
If the musicians, Ice T and Lemonade formed a band, what would it be called?

Arnold Palmer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68jo3g/if_the_musicians_ice_t_and_lemonade_formed_a_band/
%
Kurt Cobain had really bad dandruff

The night he died they found his head and shoulders behind the couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68jmno/kurt_cobain_had_really_bad_dandruff/
%
Two guys at a bar, one says "My wife drives me to drink."

The other says "You're lucky, my wife makes me walk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68jm89/two_guys_at_a_bar_one_says_my_wife_drives_me_to/
%
My friend said he got a cheap circumcision when he was a kid...

What a rip off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68jl1v/my_friend_said_he_got_a_cheap_circumcision_when/
%
"Doc, there's a patient outside...

... who says that he's invisible", the receptionist called in.
"Tell him I can't see him right now", I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68jiys/doc_theres_a_patient_outside/
%
My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68jiv5/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_wanted_to_be_treated/
%
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68jdh1/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
%
Have you ever had sex at a music festival?

It's fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68j3y3/have_you_ever_had_sex_at_a_music_festival/
%
How many pilots does it take to make good music?

Apparently at least 22

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68iyuf/how_many_pilots_does_it_take_to_make_good_music/
%
Did you hear about the epileptic midget opening a pizza shop?

It's called Little Seizures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68iwp9/did_you_hear_about_the_epileptic_midget_opening_a/
%
What does an old man and North Korea have in common?

They can't get it up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68iuk2/what_does_an_old_man_and_north_korea_have_in/
%
Man goes out drinking...

He gets so shitfaced that his wife has to go pick him up. They get home, he pukes up the stairs, and all the way to bed. Wife finally gets him stripped, showered and in bed. Man wakes up in the morning, and has only vague memories of going out the night before. On the nightstand is a red rose. He carefully ventures downstairs and finds a pristeen house, and a hot breakfast on the counter with his name beside it. His wife is no where to be found. His son comes into the room, and the man says "I suppose Mum is royally pissed, but what's all this?" Son says "Mum's thrilled. You puked like a rookie, fell down the stairs twice, broke her antique end table, shoved her, and threw up on the floor on the way out of the shower."  Man says "So WHY is Mum thrilled??" Son says "Well, when Mum tried to get you into bed, you shoved her onto the floor screaming 'Fuck off, you! I'm married!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68iufl/man_goes_out_drinking/
%
Two old ladies were walking down the street...

When a man ran up and flashed them. One of them had a stroke.
The other couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68it7h/two_old_ladies_were_walking_down_the_street/
%
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68it64/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
%
What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68isz5/whats_the_only_drink_size_they_allow_in_north/
%
I'm starting a business....

I'm gonna do math tutoring, but solely for midgets. I'm calling it Making The Little Things Count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68inh5/im_starting_a_business/
%
My uncle has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ilht/my_uncle_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
Logan in mathematics...

loga+logn = logan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ilez/logan_in_mathematics/
%
Did you know they were making dual-sided USB?

Now it'll only take **6** tries to plug it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ikel/did_you_know_they_were_making_dualsided_usb/
%
How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she can fit into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ik22/how_can_you_tell_when_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
%
Why did the cum cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68iim3/why_did_the_cum_cross_the_road/
%
What do you call it when a redneck comes back from the dead?

Reintarnation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68idzq/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_redneck_comes_back/
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A local earthquake station gets an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:
Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthquake heading your way. You, your research center, your city, and half of your State are in for the mother of all earthquakes. My advanced Richter scale is reading an earthquake with a magnitude of 13! That's an extremely dangerous magnitude as you should know, your state will literally vibrate, do the wave, roll itself out, in other words you will die if you don't act now. You have exactly 25 hours to evacuate everyone and take any important instruments or research devices that cannot be lost or replaced, to safety. By my calculations you'll pick up the oncoming earthquake in 4 hours, but if every city and town doesn't start evacuating in 8 hours, it may be too late to save everyone.
Steve panicked, he didn't want to risk anything so he packed all of his important instruments first into a van and pulled out his laptop. He needed to make sure that this was a confirmed earthquake and not some hoax. So he did, he waited the four hours and sure enough it was real. He quickly speed dialed the mayor, who had always been a good friend of his.
"Steve, you caught me at a rough time what do you need?"
"Mayor you need to evacuate half of the state, we're all in danger!"
"Woah! Woah! Steve, are you okay? What's going on?"
"Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ib8y/a_local_earthquake_station_gets_an_anonymous_tip/
%
What do you call all that useless skin around the penis?

A man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68i9r6/what_do_you_call_all_that_useless_skin_around_the/
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If 9/11 had happened in July...

7/11's brand name would have crumbled faster than the Twin Towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68i8t5/if_911_had_happened_in_july/
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Some people are like slinkies

They aren't really good for anything but you cant help but smile when they tumble down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68i84s/some_people_are_like_slinkies/
%
Chuck Norris wasn't perfect either,

because he was missing his weakness​es.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68i4ku/chuck_norris_wasnt_perfect_either/
%
A man walks into a bar and half is head is an orange...

A man walks into a bar and half his head is an orange.
The bartender goes "what would you li-HOLY SHIT HALF YOUR HEAD IS AN ORANGE! What happened to you?!"
The man replies "Oh, nothing really. Genie, three wishes, be careful what you wish for. You know how it goes."
The bartender says "As a matter of fact I don't mate. I mean, I've seen some fucked up shit in my years working behind bar, but never in all my life have I seen someone with an orange for half of their head. What on earth did you wish for?"
Then man replies "Well with my first wish, I wished I could make any woman in the world sleep with me." Bartender nods and says "Righto, that seems like a fair enough wish. What was your second one?"
The man replies "With my second wish, I wished for an infinite supply of money." Again, the bartender nods and says "That seems reasonable. But what about your third wish? How did you end up turning half your head into an orange?".
The man replies "Oh. It's kinda stupid. I don't really wanna talk about it." But the bartender is too curious to let up and insists "No come on, tell me! What was your third wish?!"
The man takes a deep breath, collects himself and replies
"I wished that half of my head was an orange."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68i407/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_half_is_head_is_an/
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What's the leading cause of death for wizards?

Untreated staff infections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68i37f/whats_the_leading_cause_of_death_for_wizards/
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Did you know that pigeons die after they have had sex?

I don't know if that's all pigeons but the 1 I fucked did anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68i2ua/did_you_know_that_pigeons_die_after_they_have_had/
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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a drink and looks to the end of the bar to find a giant glass vase filled with hundred dollar bills. He asks the bartender, "What is that big vase of hundreds for?" "Oh that's for our challenge, but nobody can complete it." replies the bar keep. Naturally, the man is curious and asks, "So what do you have to do to win the money."
"Well there are 3 levels to the challenge. First you have to take a double shot of our worst tasting whiskey straight faced without throwing up." "Sounds easy so far." Comments the potential contestant.
"Not many get passed that, but for round two we have a guerilla caged up in the back with a bad tooth. All you gotta do is go pull it out for us." Explains the bartender. The man, now a little worried says, "Ok and round 3?"
"Nobody has gotten passed round 2 yet, but round 3 is easy. We have a 97 year old lady who does not want to die a virgin. So all you have to do for round 3 is fuck her."
The man says to the bar keep, "I am going to go home and mentally prepare and I will be back tomorrow to take on the challenge."
The man walks into the bar the next day and slaps a crisp hundo on the counter and is met with a double shot of Uncle Trevor's Ass Whiskey. The man takes the shot and stares at the bartender to make sure he shows not even the slightest grimace. "Well done." said the bartender. "Now here are the keys to the guerrillas cage, you know what you gotta do." The man gives a nod to the bar keep and says, "I'm a warrior and I won't go down without a fight."
From the bar, the bartender and customers can hear a lot of loud noises, banging, screaming, roaring, and more coming from the back where the cage is. Thinking that he might need to go check on the man, suddenly the man comes out. He looks like he just finished a boxing match, black eyes, cuts, bruises. "Oh God are you OK?!" asked the worried bartender.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Now where is your old lady with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68i2c8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Black jokes and Mexican jokes are the same thing.

Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68i1bs/black_jokes_and_mexican_jokes_are_the_same_thing/
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I started out with nothing,

and I still have most of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68i0ie/i_started_out_with_nothing/
%
Husband and wife decide to make a password...

...for sex,
they decide on ‘washing machine’.
Later in bed that night husband says,
“Washing machine.”
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a sore head.”
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
“Washing machine.”
Husband replies, “
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hxty/husband_and_wife_decide_to_make_a_password/
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If at first you don't succeed

we have a lot in common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hwpq/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
Do you pronounce it I-ther or EE-ther?

Either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hud5/do_you_pronounce_it_ither_or_eether/
%
A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class of 3rd grade.[My Fav]

The boy said 'M'am, I should be in 4th grade,I'm smarter than my sis & she's in the 4th grade'. The M'am {Teacher} had heard enough of his complains & took the boy to the Principal's office. She explained everything to the Principal who decided to test the boy with some questions that a 4th grade should know.
Principal: What's 3+3?
Boy: 6
Principal: 6+6?
Boy: 12 & so on..
The Principal asked the boy many questions and the boy got them right. The Principal then asked M'am to send the boy to 4th grade. M'am decided to ask some more questions & the Principal agreed.
M'am: What does a cow have 4 of,that I've only 2 of?
Boy: Legs
M'am: What's in your pants that you have but I don't have?
Boy: Pockets
M'am: What starts with a C & ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
M'am: What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide,but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.
Boy: Bubble Gum
M'am: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. What am I?
Boy: Tent
The principal was looking restless.
M'am: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me 1stn what am I?
Boy: Wedding Ring
M'am: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose
M'am: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates,I come with a quiver
Boy:Arrow
M'am: What starts with 'F' & ends with a 'K' & if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?
Boy:Fork
M'am: What's it that all men have,it's longer in some men than others,the Pope doesn't use his & a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname
M'am: What part of the man has no bone,but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumping & is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart
The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher:- 'Send the boy to University, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself!:D :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68htun/a_female_teacher_was_having_a_problem_with_a_boy/
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My friend's daughter started to cry when she saw Bieber got shot in the TV show.

My friend said to his daughter;
'Don't cry. He's not actually dead."
The girl said;
'That's why I'm crying!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ht7r/my_friends_daughter_started_to_cry_when_she_saw/
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I desperately needed to pass gas!

and I was in the restaurant .......... when I suddenly realized The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hs48/i_desperately_needed_to_pass_gas/
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I can totally keep secrets

It's the people I tell them to that can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hr68/i_can_totally_keep_secrets/
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Kids are like farts

You're proud of your own, but everyone else's stinks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hr37/kids_are_like_farts/
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99 programming bugs in the code

.
99 programming bugs.
Take one down, patch it all up.
111 programming bugs in the code.
EDIT 2: WE SURPASSED 1K UPVOTES!?!?! THANKS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hqh0/99_programming_bugs_in_the_code/
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You're not fat, you're just

easier to see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hotz/youre_not_fat_youre_just/
%
I used to think I was indecisive,

but now I'm not too sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hms3/i_used_to_think_i_was_indecisive/
%
You know what they say about herbal medicine...

Thyme heals all wounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hlg2/you_know_what_they_say_about_herbal_medicine/
%
Team work is important

it helps to put the blame on someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hklv/team_work_is_important/
%
What did the ear say after it was hit with a high frequency?

It Hz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68he7b/what_did_the_ear_say_after_it_was_hit_with_a_high/
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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla. For only $2,99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hd39/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_21_year_old_girl_today/
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What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hc19/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
%
Dark humor is like food

Not everybody gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hboj/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
I went down to the gym, and lost 1200 calories

Next time, I'll take the pizza out of the oven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hbik/i_went_down_to_the_gym_and_lost_1200_calories/
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What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68hayx/what_do_you_call_the_security_outside_of_a/
%
Shakespeare Joke

Painter: "Y'are a dog."
Apemantus: "Your mother's of my generation. What's she, if I be a dog?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68h8ru/shakespeare_joke/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's not funny!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68h765/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
There's actually a 5th new state of matter

1. Liquid
2. Solid
3. Gas
4. Plasma
5. Black lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68h61q/theres_actually_a_5th_new_state_of_matter/
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My German grandparents used to hide Jewish children in their basement.

Turns out that gets you arrested in this day and age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68h5r5/my_german_grandparents_used_to_hide_jewish/
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My school are such hypocrites. They promote recycled paper themselves... but when I do it?

When I recycle papers, suddenly it's "plagiarism".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68h54e/my_school_are_such_hypocrites_they_promote/
%
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom

.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68h4te/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
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What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68h4qi/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_works_in_the/
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If communism doesn't work, why do so many people support it ?

Because they don't work either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68h2y1/if_communism_doesnt_work_why_do_so_many_people/
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A boy and his father are walking through a store in Alabama...

...when the young boy sees two spiders mating.
The son says "Pa, what kind of spider is that?" to which the father replies "That's a Daddy Long Legs."
The son points to the other spider and asks: "What about the this one?" The dad says: "Well, that's also a Daddy Long Legs".
The boy walks over and immediately stomps on the spiders and says "we don't put up with shit like that in these parts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68h1xq/a_boy_and_his_father_are_walking_through_a_store/
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A woman noticed her husband standing on the weighing scale sucking his stomach

“Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68gzul/a_woman_noticed_her_husband_standing_on_the/
%
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.

He said: 'dad, can't you just use a sponge?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68gvzu/yesterday_i_was_washing_the_car_with_my_son/
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I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!

He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68gu94/i_got_20_from_a_blind_homeless_man_on_the_street/
%
I tried having sex with a tent once...

But I couldn't get it up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68grck/i_tried_having_sex_with_a_tent_once/
%
If jesus played football, what position would he play?

Not on the wing he doesn't do well with crosses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68gr2x/if_jesus_played_football_what_position_would_he/
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Trump: Send nudes

Kim: You mean nukes?
Trump: Sorry, I sent that to the wrong Kim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68gojf/trump_send_nudes/
%
A bee walks into a bar....

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks foren Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got ffic... ...without arousing o sense." - Get this on the ly way I know how  I needed was a bre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68gmsk/a_bee_walks_into_a_bar/
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An old man had to take a sperm count for his physical examination.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68gjvc/an_old_man_had_to_take_a_sperm_count_for_his/
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A guy goes to a whorehouse, only to see it's closed.

The sign on the front door said "Beat it! We're closed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68gjou/a_guy_goes_to_a_whorehouse_only_to_see_its_closed/
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A Scotsman walks into a bar

Then proceeds to get blackout drunk for the night and attempts to stumble home. He passes out on the street as two American women on holiday pass by. One says to the other *"Let's see if what they say about kilts are true"* and sure enough there was no underwear to be seen. As a joke, one of the women takes a blue ribbon from her hair and ties it around his junk so he'll be confused when he wakes up in the morning.
A few hours later and the Scotsman wakes up needing to take a piss. As he looks down he notices the ribbon and says *"Lad, I don't know where you've been but I'm glad to see you won first prize."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68gigr/a_scotsman_walks_into_a_bar/
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I have sexdaily.

I mean dyslexia! Fcuk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ggu3/i_have_sexdaily/
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The European Union commissioners announce that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications...

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ggto/the_european_union_commissioners_announce_that_an/
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President Trump to sign an executive action taking aim at Sun Maid and California's Raisin industry

He answered most of the criticism over the weekend by stating
"I would like to make raisins Grape again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68gedp/president_trump_to_sign_an_executive_action/
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What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68gcpq/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_he_dumps_his/
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Any bug can hit a windshield..

But it takes some guts to stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68gbho/any_bug_can_hit_a_windshield/
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Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68g7py/why_did_the_programmer_quit_his_job/
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I like my women like I like my ramen noodles

Hot, cheap, and Asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68g7mv/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_ramen_noodles/
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I went to see a therapist today...

I ended up getting raped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68g5pi/i_went_to_see_a_therapist_today/
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A Redditor walks into a hotel, spends a night, and leaves...

Username checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68g36h/a_redditor_walks_into_a_hotel_spends_a_night_and/
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So how's life in North korea

Well I can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68g23x/so_hows_life_in_north_korea/
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What do you call a girl tree?

"It's a Mystery (Ms. Tree)"
-My 7-year old daughter made that one up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fz9p/what_do_you_call_a_girl_tree/
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If I say that marathons are superior to sprints...

does that make me a racist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fyc6/if_i_say_that_marathons_are_superior_to_sprints/
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I wish my Dad was the Terminator...

...because then he'd come back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fwbv/i_wish_my_dad_was_the_terminator/
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Being circumcised, I couldn't join a fraternity...

Apparently you have to be complete dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fv49/being_circumcised_i_couldnt_join_a_fraternity/
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Colored

As a person of color this has always given me a chuckle.
You Have the Nerve to Call Me Colored!
When I was born, I was black,
When I grew up, I was black,
When I'm sick, I'm black,
When I go out in the sun, I'm black,
When I'm cold, I'm black,
When I die, I'll be black,
But you,
When you're born, you're pink,
When you grow up, you're white,
When you're sick, you're green,
When you go out in the sun, you go red,
When you're cold, you go blue,
When you die, you'll be purple,
And you have the nerve to call me colored!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68frm0/colored/
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Theresa May's driver has an accident

Theresa May is touring Perthshire in the Prime Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Theresa in her usual raspy manner, says to the chauffeur: "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Theresa firmly, I can't afford to be blamed for anything.
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you?" asks Theresa. The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks Theresa.
"Well, I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, "I'm Theresa May's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.""
* credit to my friend Jan's mum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fpnp/theresa_mays_driver_has_an_accident/
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I swallowed some food coloring once

I went to the doctor and he said I was fine, but I felt like I had dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fpc5/i_swallowed_some_food_coloring_once/
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What's the difference between a preacher and pimples?

Pimples come on your face AFTER puberty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fnb0/whats_the_difference_between_a_preacher_and/
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Did you hear about the chemist that froze himself to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fmwn/did_you_hear_about_the_chemist_that_froze_himself/
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How do fish describe being caught and released?

An out of body of water experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fkwe/how_do_fish_describe_being_caught_and_released/
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Raising your hand is the worst way for voting

Hands Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fire/raising_your_hand_is_the_worst_way_for_voting/
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A Cucumber, Banana and a Penis are having a conversation...

The Banana says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big and grown up my skin gets ripped off and I am shoved into a dark cave before being crushed to pieces."
The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? As soon as I get big and grown up, they slice me up and put me in a salad."
The Penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big and grown up they throw a plastic bag over my head, hit my head against a wall ina  dark room - until I puke and pass out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fgln/a_cucumber_banana_and_a_penis_are_having_a/
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I went to weight watchers last night, I opened a bag of maltesers and threw them on the floor

Best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fcvd/i_went_to_weight_watchers_last_night_i_opened_a/
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( !Dark Humour!) A guy walks in the local whorehouse...

...
says “I want the cheapest one you got, I don’t have much money.” The guy behind the counter says
“How bout the $1.95 cent special?”
The customer says “ok”, and he paid,
headed to the room.
When he opened the door, he found this beautiful whore spread out, just waiting for him.
He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her.
Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears.
He freaked, “omg she’s sick!”
He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happening,
and the guy says
“hey John!
The dead one’s full again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fcby/dark_humour_a_guy_walks_in_the_local_whorehouse/
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If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY.

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fbh1/if_your_apartment_is_hit_by_a_dolphin_do_not_go/
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What's an oranges' favorite movie?

Pulp Fiction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68fb5k/whats_an_oranges_favorite_movie/
%
Someone surprised me by jumping out and taking a Polaroid of me

Afterwards I was visibly shaken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68favs/someone_surprised_me_by_jumping_out_and_taking_a/
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A sailor once asked me if I knew the difference between port and starboard.

I said, "No. I've never drank any starboard".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68faja/a_sailor_once_asked_me_if_i_knew_the_difference/
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I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68faes/i_learned_yesterday_that_a_school_of_piranhas_can/
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What does a stripper do with her asshole before going to work?

Drop him off at band practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68f95y/what_does_a_stripper_do_with_her_asshole_before/
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How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The answer is 50. One to change the lightbulb and 49 to say they can do better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68f88q/how_many_guitarists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.

The Manager says,
"Do you have any sales experience?"
The young guy says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough,
but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters,
"One".
The boss says
"Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day.
This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here.
We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes,
so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day.
He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and
says
"$124,548.88".
The boss, astonished,
says
$124,548.88???
What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says,
"Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
so I told him he was going to need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."
The boss said
"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"
The kid said
"No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife,
and I said,
'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68f7pf/a_young_guy_from_north_dakota_moves_to_florida/
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A computer once beat me at chess

but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68f7iq/a_computer_once_beat_me_at_chess/
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There are 3 things that all religions can agree on.

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah, Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the head of the Church and Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68f6m4/there_are_3_things_that_all_religions_can_agree_on/
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A very handsome man has a terrible accident.

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.
Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up.
While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68f4x3/a_very_handsome_man_has_a_terrible_accident/
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I went into a sex shop today, and was shocked to find out how much all my wife’s vibrators cost...

She’s sitting on a small fortune...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68f4ch/i_went_into_a_sex_shop_today_and_was_shocked_to/
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3 men go to hell and Satan appears before them...

Satan says,"You boys have caught me in a good mood! I'm going to give you whatever you ask for. What would you like sir?"
Man number one steps up and says to Satan,  "All I want is women."
Satan claps his hands, and a door appears which opens to reveal the most beautiful women the 7 Circles of Hell had to offer. The man runs inside, the door shuts and disappears. Satan looks at man number 2, "You sir!"
Man number 2 runs up with a smile and says "I wish to eat human flesh."
A door appears and opens to reveal a banquet of every human organ cooked in every fashion. The man runs inside, the door shuts and disappears and Satan turns to man number 3. "You sir!"
Man number 3 walks up and says "If I'm down here I'm just getting high. I want to smoke weed."
A door appears to reveal fields of weed. Hell grown ganja of the darkest quality. The man runs inside, the door shuts and disappears. Satan laughs and walks away.
Over 1000 years pass and Satan suddenly remembers the 3 men he had sealed away. Satan brings up the first door,  opens it and steps inside to see man number one strapped on top of a table seizuring  while the women in the room cut his dick off, attach it, and cut it off again. Satan laughs and shuts the door.
Satan brings up the second door, opens it and steps inside to see man number 2 strapped to a chair writhing in agony with his stomach blown out while still being fed an unending amount of human organs. Satan laughs and shuts the door.
Satan brings up the third door, opens it and steps inside to see that nothing has changed. All the weed hadn't moved for 1000 years. Satan walks around puzzled for a bit before he hears footsteps coming from behind him. He turns around to see man number three jump out from the weed stalks, grab him by the shoulders and yell "WHERE THE FUCK IS A LIGHTER?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68f2fr/3_men_go_to_hell_and_satan_appears_before_them/
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Three couples are trying to get married..

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68f0hi/three_couples_are_trying_to_get_married/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a sign... [NSFW]

It reads: Toasted Sandwiches- $2, Handjobs- $5.
He approaches the bar and sees a stunning large breasted, tight waisted blonde goddess serving.
He asks her, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
She leans towards him, resting her breasts on the bar and says, "Why, yes I am." With a wink.
To which he replies: "Well go and wash your fucking hands before you make my sandwich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68f0f7/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign_nsfw/
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I went online and rated our Solar System

Gave it one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68eyh4/i_went_online_and_rated_our_solar_system/
%
What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68exf9/what_did_the_sushi_say_to_the_bee/
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My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ewz8/my_sexual_desires_have_been_getting_out_of_control/
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A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes...

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68erjn/a_little_girl_and_boy_are_fighting_about_the/
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A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What the hell are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.
"I'm a tortoise," the man replies.
"What a pile of shite!" the host replies. "How can you be a tortoise when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"
"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68em4q/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party_with_nothing_but_a/
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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday

and do everything that we saw in the video… He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68em3e/i_told_my_boyfriend_we_could_watch_a_porn_for_his/
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Trump visiting a psychiatric hospital.

While visiting Trump asks how to determine if one has a psychiatric problem.
There is a test, says the doctor. They fill a bathtub with water and gives the patient a spoon, a cup and a bucket and asks the patient to empty the tub.
Trump then asks: "Wouldn't the normally sane persons not just use the buchet, as it goes faster".
The doctor replies: "No, the normally sane persons would just remove the stopper. Do you prefer your bed by the window"?
- Sorry for my english, I'm danish :-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ejwv/trump_visiting_a_psychiatric_hospital/
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"What does 'gay' mean"?

...asked the son.
Dad: Gay means happy.
Son: Dad, are you gay?
Dad: No son, I have a wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68eiva/what_does_gay_mean/
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Last night I did a theatrical performance about puns

Really it was just a clever play on words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ed9c/last_night_i_did_a_theatrical_performance_about/
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I don't get all the jokes about Trumps Russian ties.

I just looked it up and Trump makes his ties in China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ec2a/i_dont_get_all_the_jokes_about_trumps_russian_ties/
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Did you get those pants on sale?

Cause they'd be 100% off at my place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68eays/did_you_get_those_pants_on_sale/
%
My favorite thing to do after work

Is look for a better job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ea4m/my_favorite_thing_to_do_after_work/
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If we have "titty" bars in the US...

... do they have "facie" bars in the Middle East?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68e9uf/if_we_have_titty_bars_in_the_us/
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What did Bruce Wayne say to the hungry squirrel?

YOU WANNA GET NUTS?
C'mon, let's get nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68e9r1/what_did_bruce_wayne_say_to_the_hungry_squirrel/
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I don't understand odourless air fresheners.

They don't make any scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68e763/i_dont_understand_odourless_air_fresheners/
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Three men bragging about their sons ....<long>

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in some time, gather at a bar to catch up. One man gets up to use the restroom, and the remaining three begin talking about their sons.
The first man says, "my son is my pride and joy, he started at the very bottom of a successful company, he studied hard, began to climb the corporate ladder, and is now the president of the company! He's so rich he bought his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday.
The second man says, "that's amazing! My son is also my pride and joy. He began working at for an airline company, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. He eventually became a partner of the company and now owns most of its assets. He's so rich, he bought he best friend a new jet for his birthday"
The third man says, "Well that's fantastic, my son is well off too. He studied at the best universities, became an engineer, then started his own construction company and is now a self made multimillionaire! He bought he best friend a 30,000 square foot mansion."
By this time, the fourth man came back from the bathroom and joined the conversation.
He said, "My son is gay, and makes a living stripping at a night club."
His friends reply, "that's awful! We're so sorry to hear that, how disappointing"
The man replies, "no I'm not ashamed, he's my som and I love him. Plus he's not doing too bad either. His birthday was recently and he received a 30,000 square foot mansion, a new jet, and a brand new Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68e2xx/three_men_bragging_about_their_sons_long/
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Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)
Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left breast. The Royals (my team) fan takes off his hat and covers her right breast. The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive. The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book. He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, "What was that? Haven't you seen one of those before?" The detective replies, "You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I see an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68e1z9/three_sports_fans_leave_a_bar/
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A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68e133/a_politician_dies/
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I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68dyfz/i_have_a_condition_where_i_feel_the_need_to_steal/
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Son, you know when you're drunk? See those two people over there? When you see four, you'll know you're drunk.....

But dad, I only see one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68dy33/son_you_know_when_youre_drunk_see_those_two/
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My girlfriend reminds me of my pinky toe

She's small, cute, and will probably end up getting banged on my coffee table tonight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68dwxo/my_girlfriend_reminds_me_of_my_pinky_toe/
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Everyone loves to hear my friend talk about his passion for taking naps.

He is intoresting...
I'll just go now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68dw8w/everyone_loves_to_hear_my_friend_talk_about_his/
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The Three Tent Test

A white man is captured by an Indian tribe. The chief of the tribe tells the man "we'll let you live if you can pass the Three Tent Test." The white man agrees very quickly, and then asks what the test actually is.
The chief says "we have 3 teepees lined up here. In the first teepee is a jar of our finest fire water, some moonshine. You have to chug it. In the second teepee is a bear. You have to kill it. In the third teepee is the ugliest squaw in our tribe. You have to fuck her. If you can pass, then you're free to go."
The white man goes into the first tent, and comes out a few minutes later stumbling a little bit and slurring his words. He heads into the second tent with the bear.
There's some rumbling and yelling in there, but the white man comes out a few minutes later with scratches and blood all over him. He's still slurring his words, and he yells as he's stumbling to the third tent "ALRIGHT, NOW WHERE'S THAT FUCKING BEAR AT"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68duzn/the_three_tent_test/
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I got caught smuggling insects

I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68duug/i_got_caught_smuggling_insects/
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They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68dug0/they_say_a_mans_attractiveness_is_tied_to_his/
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My First Highschool Football Game

My first highschool football game was like my first time having sex...
I was bloody and sore at the end, but atleast my Dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68du28/my_first_highschool_football_game/
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A gynecologist goes to an all-girl university to give year check-ups

The first girl comes in and undresses. The doctor notices she has a rash on her stomach in the shape of an H, "well that's a weirdly shaped rash."
"Oh, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud he goes to Harvard that he won't take off his letterman's sweater when we make love."
The next girl comes in and undresses. The doctor notices she has a rash on her stomach in the shape of an Y, "well that's a weirdly shaped rash."
"Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud he goes to Yale that he won't take off his letterman's sweater when we make love."
The last girl comes in and undresses. The doctor notices she has a rash on her stomach in the shape of an M, "Let me guess boyfriend at Michigan, right?"
"Umm... no. Girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ds57/a_gynecologist_goes_to_an_allgirl_university_to/
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Trump should build that wall out of Hillary's emails

since it seems no one can get over them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68dk8p/trump_should_build_that_wall_out_of_hillarys/
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Why should you tip the guy at the crematorium?

Because he urned it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68djdq/why_should_you_tip_the_guy_at_the_crematorium/
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What's the best thing about a gypsy on her period?

When you finger her you get your palm read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68djb6/whats_the_best_thing_about_a_gypsy_on_her_period/
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My wife's cooking is so bad

That we usually pray AFTER the meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68dhvz/my_wifes_cooking_is_so_bad/
%
Daddy, what are all those cars' horns honking for?

It's for a wedding son.
I thought the horn was supposed to be only used as a warning.
Exactly son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68dhp3/daddy_what_are_all_those_cars_horns_honking_for/
%
I told my father I would name my son after him

He's going to be pretty surprised when I introduce him to Dad Jr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68dhhd/i_told_my_father_i_would_name_my_son_after_him/
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What do you call an IT teacher who has sex with his students?

A PDF File

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68dhgz/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_has_sex_with/
%
Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally.

because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68dgww/trump_is_blaming_sanders_for_the_violence_at_his/
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A Christian, an Atheist, and a Muslim met at the DMV

They decided to have a contest to see whose belief system was best.  Each of them would drive 10-15 miles over the speed limit everywhere they went and whoever could use their beliefs to get out of a ticket would be the winner.  They agreed to meet up again next month.
A month later they reconvened.  The Christian sighed and showed his ticket and said, "Before I left the house I prayed to Jesus to protect me from the police, but I was pulled over and the officer reminded me 'render unto Ceaser what is Ceaser's' and I agreed to pay the ticket,"
The atheist sighed and showed his ticket and said, "Before I left the house, I hacked the police database and downloaded their patrol matrix to calculate the safest routes and time to speed, but I was pulled over by a cop who was not following his correct route and he reminded me, 'In every system there will be anomalies and unknowns,"
The Muslim laughed and said, "Before I left the house I ate some bacon, told my wife she could wear her mini-skirt in public, spent my jizya money on rum, and after I was coked to the gills I donned my turban, stole a car, and started speeding down the highway breaking 100 most of the way,"
"What?!" the other exclaimed, "How did you not get a ticket?"
"When I got pulled over, that is when I called upon God.  I began to rock back and forth and chanted, 'Allahu Akbar!  Allahu Akbar!' and wouldn't you know it, that cop ran away and sped off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68dg8j/a_christian_an_atheist_and_a_muslim_met_at_the_dmv/
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Whats the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a Goodyear and the other was a great year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ddiv/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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Which animal lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68dcgz/which_animal_lies_on_its_back_one_hundred_feet_in/
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So, an E- flat, a G- flat, and a B- flat walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."
Oh wait. I should be careful with these puns. I could get in treble.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68d99z/so_an_e_flat_a_g_flat_and_a_b_flat_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call Iron Man's transgender cousin?

Fe-male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68d3a5/what_do_you_call_iron_mans_transgender_cousin/
%
Thieves came into my house and stole everything except my soap shampoo and deodorant...

Dirty Bastards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68d1n8/thieves_came_into_my_house_and_stole_everything/
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The problem with Trump jokes:

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68d06h/the_problem_with_trump_jokes/
%
If you are what you eat...

Then there's nobody living in Ethiopia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68d02f/if_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady...

I couldn't believe the ungrateful wench kept shouting at me, “I’m peeing in here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68cxql/i_tried_being_polite_by_holding_the_door_open_for/
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Feminist: All men are rapists!

Me: So you were a mistake?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68cvvd/feminist_all_men_are_rapists/
%
Little Johnny was learning about punctuation

The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks.
She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand.
He asked: Why are periods so important?
The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written language; why do you ask?
Little Johnny replied: Yesterday my sister said she missed a period and my Mom fainted, my Dad started yelling and the next door neighbor shot himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68cqcs/little_johnny_was_learning_about_punctuation/
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Two elephants meet a totally naked guy.

After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68cmp0/two_elephants_meet_a_totally_naked_guy/
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I got complaints about my dog chasing people on bikes

I didnt know my dog could ride a bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68clyj/i_got_complaints_about_my_dog_chasing_people_on/
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A man with bad vision fell into a well...

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ckdp/a_man_with_bad_vision_fell_into_a_well/
%
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything....  cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed.
Air Fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home . .
Including the curtain rods..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68cipx/she_spent_the_first_day_packing_her_belongings/
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A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my womb for 9 months, so he is mine"

The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ch6o/a_divorced_couple_standing_in_court_over_a_child/
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This made me smile for days

Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68cf3g/this_made_me_smile_for_days/
%
Why don't Witches wear Panties?

So that they can grip the broom when they fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ceo6/why_dont_witches_wear_panties/
%
A patient collapses minutes after visiting the doctor

Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor! The man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?'
Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68cd7x/a_patient_collapses_minutes_after_visiting_the/
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Why did the slug die after being mugged?

He was a-salted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68cak8/why_did_the_slug_die_after_being_mugged/
%
What do you call a computer that sings?

Adell!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68c82d/what_do_you_call_a_computer_that_sings/
%
What standardized test do mexicans take?

The ESE T !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68c7qj/what_standardized_test_do_mexicans_take/
%
Q: What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

A: Incorrectly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68c582/q_what_word_in_the_english_language_is_always/
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Whats a feminists favorite part of a gun?

The Trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68c2l3/whats_a_feminists_favorite_part_of_a_gun/
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68c2g0/politicians_and_diapers_have_one_thing_in_common/
%
I go to the gym the same way I finish a book on science fiction.

I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68c0n8/i_go_to_the_gym_the_same_way_i_finish_a_book_on/
%
What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano tuna!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bzex/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_a_tuna_and/
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Wrinkle Cream

Son: "Dad...what's Mum putting on her face?"
Dad: "That's her Wrinkle Cream son."
Son: "Mum that cream is really working...you've got loads of wrinkles!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bshq/wrinkle_cream/
%
So I've decided to marry a pencil

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bscx/so_ive_decided_to_marry_a_pencil/
%
Why did the golfer throw out his favourite socks?

Because he got a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68br4m/why_did_the_golfer_throw_out_his_favourite_socks/
%
What do you call a discount circumcision?

A cheap rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68br1f/what_do_you_call_a_discount_circumcision/
%
How do you get a fat girl in bed?

Piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68boq6/how_do_you_get_a_fat_girl_in_bed/
%
I've been masturbating into cookware

It's my jackpot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bobt/ive_been_masturbating_into_cookware/
%
What do you call a midget mexican?

A Paragraph, because hes to short to be an essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bmh6/what_do_you_call_a_midget_mexican/
%
I hate unfinished jokes

... Simply because they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68blab/i_hate_unfinished_jokes/
%
A man took his dog to the movie with him...

...and during the movie the dog howled with laughter at the jokes, wagged his tail merrily and at the end put his paws together and applauded. The movie staff saw this and were bewildered so after the movie one of the ushers approached the man and said to him, "We were all amazed, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie." And the man said, "I know, it's so weird! He hated the book."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bkzx/a_man_took_his_dog_to_the_movie_with_him/
%
What room can't a skeleton enter?

The living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bi1y/what_room_cant_a_skeleton_enter/
%
[NSFW] Sailor: "Captain! Why is there a steering wheel where your dick should be?!"

Captain: "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bg4g/nsfw_sailor_captain_why_is_there_a_steering_wheel/
%
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn't close his casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bg2k/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_died_of_a_viagra/
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Two Russians

are discussing who is the greater man, Stalin or Hoover.
"Hoover taught the Americans not to drink," says one.
"Yes," replied the other, "but Stalin taught the Russians not to eat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bfdj/two_russians/
%
Catholic girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says," Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Agatha! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her ass in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bfcb/catholic_girls/
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[NSFW]Doctor my ass hurts.

Here?
Deeper.
Here?
Deeper.
Here?
Deeper.
Here?
Yes.
It's your throat that hurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bcu8/nsfwdoctor_my_ass_hurts/
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how come Michael J. Fox can make such good milkshakes?

because he is rich and can afford high quality ingredients!..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bc9j/how_come_michael_j_fox_can_make_such_good/
%
What dating app do priests use?

Kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bbtd/what_dating_app_do_priests_use/
%
The old office Christmas party got him again

John, woke up after the annual office party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's a jerk," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68bam0/the_old_office_christmas_party_got_him_again/
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An Engineer Died and Ended Up in Hell...

He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, and air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning, and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should have never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here"
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer. and I'm keeping him"
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68b8fl/an_engineer_died_and_ended_up_in_hell/
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Why couldn't the indecisive man make broth?

There are a bouillon different ways to do it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68b71o/why_couldnt_the_indecisive_man_make_broth/
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ReHash

After 13 years of marriage the wife finds out that her husband has been using a dildo the whole time and confronts him and says "explain the dildo you bastard" and he replies "explain the kids Bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68b6ju/rehash/
%
Do you know the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

At least the outlaws are wanted by someone.
Credit: My father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68b6au/do_you_know_the_difference_between_inlaws_and/
%
Why are priests from Finland so good at Mortal Kombat?

They're especially well-versed in Finnish hymns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68b5ha/why_are_priests_from_finland_so_good_at_mortal/
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Mike and Yolonda get home after a date at the cinema.

Yolonda goes upstairs to get changed and walks into her parents bedroom.
She turns on the light and catches her mum jerking off her dad. In the heat of the moment, the dad blows his load and it flys across the room, showering Yolanda with jism.
Yolonda immediately runs downstairs screaming, passed mike, out the front door and down the street.
Mike starts chasing after her, shouting, "Yolonda! What's come over you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68b5dr/mike_and_yolonda_get_home_after_a_date_at_the/
%
What do you call a German virgin?

Guten Tight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68b3ts/what_do_you_call_a_german_virgin/
%
A 40 year old man went go to take a prostate exam...

As the nervous man walked into the doctor's office, the male doctor told him to "relax everything will be quick". The man of course was hesitant, but agreed. The doctor said "sir I will count to 3 and then I want you to breathe in at 3, then I will enter the rectum". The man again was hesitant, but agreed. So the doctor said "1, 2, and 3, breathe in"! Then the man felt somewhat relieved but still was still slightly uncomfortable, then the doctor put both of his hands on on the mans shoulders and said "don't worry, you are doing a good job..."
-This joke may take a little bit to process :).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68b3mo/a_40_year_old_man_went_go_to_take_a_prostate_exam/
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You're riding a horse full speed..there's a giraffe beside you..and you're being chase by a lion..what do you do?

....get your drunk ass off the carousel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68b2aw/youre_riding_a_horse_full_speedtheres_a_giraffe/
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Are the penis and the testicles the same?

No! There's a vas deferens between them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68b22s/are_the_penis_and_the_testicles_the_same/
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Could you conquer more than half of a continent?

No, but Genghis Khan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68azqm/could_you_conquer_more_than_half_of_a_continent/
%
How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

Call her and tell her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68azp7/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_while/
%
Being successful is like being pregnant.

Everyone congratulates you, but not many people ask about how hard you were fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ax0u/being_successful_is_like_being_pregnant/
%
What´s the difference between a good joke and

a bad joke timing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68aw99/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
%
A little rabbit is running happily through the forest...

... when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68aw4f/a_little_rabbit_is_running_happily_through_the/
%
A pizza is laying in the stomach as it is joined by some beer

As more beer keeps coming, pizza asks beer: "What's going on?"
The beer says: "There's a party going on so there will be more."
The pizza gets excited about this and says: "A party eh? I think I'm gonna go and take a look!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68av41/a_pizza_is_laying_in_the_stomach_as_it_is_joined/
%
I'm giving up alcohol for a month!!!

Correction: I'm giving up! Alcohol for a month!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68aufw/im_giving_up_alcohol_for_a_month/
%
Do you know why you don't see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're fucking good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ar72/do_you_know_why_you_dont_see_hippos_hiding_in/
%
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One.....or two. One or two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68aqic/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Ling and Ving...

When I was in high school two exchange students from china came over to study at my school, their names were Ling and Ving. I had several classes with the two and I became quite good friends with them, especially Ving. One day, Ving opened up to me and admitted how dissatisfied he was with his name as he felt it wasn't a very good Chinese name and how he felt that the name Lee would be much more appropriate. I have nothing but sympathy for him and suggest that the three of us should go down to the town hall and simply request a legal name change. We all head down to the town hall and arrive at the front desk where a secretary is sitting, we go up and ask for a name change form and she happily gives it to us. As he's filling out the form Ving breaks down in tears, he says his father would disapprove of Ving changing his name to Lee because Ving is a name that has been in their family for generations. Ling and I want to show nothing but support for Ving so we go back to the front desk with the half filled out form and we try to give it back. The secretary immediately declines the form and states that there is a fee to cancel a name change form. Neither Ving or I have money on us to cover the cancellation cost so Ling reaches into her purse and pulls out the required amount. Just as she's about the hand the money over to the secretary Ling and Ving's father bursts through the door and yells: "DON'T, STOP! Be Lee Ving! Hold on to that fee Ling!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68aots/ling_and_ving/
%
Bill Gates in an airport lounge

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was with my client.
He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied:
"Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ao1f/bill_gates_in_an_airport_lounge/
%
My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday"

That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68alma/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
%
One day a man is at a stoplight and sees a car with penguins in the backseat next to him.

The man asks the driver of the car where the penguins were from.
'I don't know.  At the last stop light these penguins just jumped in my car.  I don't know what to do with them.
The man thinks for a moment and then says 'You should take them to the zoo.'
'That's a great idea!' says the other man, and he drives away.
The next week the same man pulls up to the same stop light and sees the same car from last week with penguins in the backseat.
'I thought you were gonna take those penguins to the zoo?' asked the man.
'I did.  We had a great time.  Now I'm taking them to the beach.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68aktm/one_day_a_man_is_at_a_stoplight_and_sees_a_car/
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Post Tortoise politicians

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'Post Tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68aj6a/post_tortoise_politicians/
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Oh Brother!

Here’s a little red-light story somebody told me a long time ago. This guy’s driving along, he’s got someone sitting right next to him in the passenger seat, and he goes straight through a red light. ZOOOOM!
Passenger says, “Whaddaya doin’?”
Driver says, “Never mind! My brother drives like this.”
They go a little farther, and come to another red light. ZOOM! Guy goes right through it!
“Whaddaya doin’?”
“Will you stop? I told ya, my brother drives like this.”
He keeps on going, and now he comes to a green light. He slams on the brakes.
“Whaddaya doing?”
“Well, you never know. My brother might be coming the other way!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ahsp/oh_brother/
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I would tell more jokes about my career as a shitty mailman...

...but I always get the deliveries wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ahak/i_would_tell_more_jokes_about_my_career_as_a/
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I can sympathise with batteries.

I am never included in anything either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68ah7f/i_can_sympathise_with_batteries/
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There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),   and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).   It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for  the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes  at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.   SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is  worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM:Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here!  Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened.  The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run  as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.   SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me   SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.   SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?  A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,   I'll pray for you!..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68afik/there_were_two_nuns/
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When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend

But it was just my imaginasian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68aevp/when_i_was_a_kid_i_thought_i_had_a_chinese_friend/
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movies from his Pixar movie collection

Except for one, He's never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68adwo/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movies_from/
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Whats the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne waits until you hit puberty to come on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68abe6/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
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Why do the Pakistanis love lean cows?

Because they are moo-slim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68a9ni/why_do_the_pakistanis_love_lean_cows/
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What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?

Quattro cinco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68a95z/what_do_you_call_four_mexicans_in_quicksand/
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Two rednecks go to college.

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" said the redneck. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend. "Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck. "What in Uncle Mack's sweaty balls is logic?" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "You're queer, ain't ya?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68a862/two_rednecks_go_to_college/
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A guy and a little kid are walking into the woods...

Kid say to the guy "but I'm scared of the dark"
Guy says "you think your scared I'm the one that has to walk out of here alone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68a7td/a_guy_and_a_little_kid_are_walking_into_the_woods/
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I just shot my mum, my dad, my sister and my brother.

Then my aunty walked in the door with my cousins and I shot them straight away. My grandma and grandad came in, I let them have a cup of tea before I shot them too. Tomorrow I've got to shoot my wife's whole fucking family!
It's hard work being the family photographer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68a6dv/i_just_shot_my_mum_my_dad_my_sister_and_my_brother/
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What do you call your best friend that doesn't give a fuck about you?

A cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68a5sl/what_do_you_call_your_best_friend_that_doesnt/
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How many male chauvinists does it take to change a lightbulb

None the bitch can cook in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68a53l/how_many_male_chauvinists_does_it_take_to_change/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.
(Saying it out loud might help)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68a50m/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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Two Arab guys get on a plane.

One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off a little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”
“No problem,” said the Israeli, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said,
“That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it too.
The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our people…this hatred…this animosity…this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68a4su/two_arab_guys_get_on_a_plane/
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A woman is sitting in bed, reading a magazine while her husband walks in drunk with a sheep under his arm....

... he says: look darling.. this is the PIG I fuck when you don't feel like having sex!
Wife: B.. but honey.. that's a sheep!
Husband: I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689zk0/a_woman_is_sitting_in_bed_reading_a_magazine/
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Damn girl are you a math book?

Because you have a lot of fucking problems I don't want to deal with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689vtk/damn_girl_are_you_a_math_book/
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We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers.

It would be called On Anon Anon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689u25/we_need_a_12step_group_for_compulsive_talkers/
%
Who would blow up jurassic park?

The dino might.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689ti6/who_would_blow_up_jurassic_park/
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3 Elderly Gentlemen Go for a Walk on the Beach...

The first remarks, "It's windy today!"
"No!", replies the second, "It's Thursday!"
"Me too!", shouts the third over the sound of howling wind, "Let's go for a drink!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689q07/3_elderly_gentlemen_go_for_a_walk_on_the_beach/
%
Why did Trump cross the road?

Nobody knows, but CNN reported that it was racist and caused a protest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689oe0/why_did_trump_cross_the_road/
%
I have kleptomania.

When it gets bad, I take something for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689n74/i_have_kleptomania/
%
Knock knock

A: Who's there?
B: Dandelion.
A: Dandelion who?
B: The cheetah runs faster dandelion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689mgi/knock_knock/
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Son: Dad, how old do I have to be, before I can go out without having to ask mom?

Dad: Son, I'll tell you when I get there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689ldy/son_dad_how_old_do_i_have_to_be_before_i_can_go/
%
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth" "? Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689l4t/it_was_the_first_day_of_school_and_a_new_student/
%
I went to the store to buy condoms.

The cashier asked, “Do you want a bag?”
“No. She’s not that ugly.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689im7/i_went_to_the_store_to_buy_condoms/
%
I was in math class and my teacher asked "what comes after 69?"

Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689ffq/i_was_in_math_class_and_my_teacher_asked_what/
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A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks, "What's this about?"
The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"
The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689f5t/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_3_pieces_of_meat/
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A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed...

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She suspects that he’s preparing a surprise for her since today is their 20th wedding anniversary, so she puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “You haven’t been sitting here all night, have you!?”
The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.”
She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses… The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?”
“I remember that too,” she replied softly…
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689ec0/a_woman_awakes_in_the_middle_of_the_night_to_find/
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When I was born I could chose between having a long dick and having extraordinary memory

I can't remember which one I chose...
TITLE EDIT:Choose*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689cei/when_i_was_born_i_could_chose_between_having_a/
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I've just finished reading a brilliant book titled, "How to avoid getting ripped off".

Best $600 I have ever spent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/689a3q/ive_just_finished_reading_a_brilliant_book_titled/
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Two men fought their entire life about whether Jesus was Black or White. The two men died together in a car accident.

Finally when they reached the gates of heaven Jesus walked up to them and said "BUENOS DIAS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6899n5/two_men_fought_their_entire_life_about_whether/
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Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards...

Turns out to be spam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68978e/just_got_an_email_from_google_detailing_how_they/
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I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked…

I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6895vs/i_scared_the_postman_today_by_going_to_the_door/
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Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!" The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker." Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car" he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber." I have to laugh every time I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least 5 boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68938m/three_business_men_were_sitting_in_a_bar_drinking/
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I saw this gorgeous blonde police officer today who really knocked me for six, she was stunning

the crap out of me with her taser after I tried to grab her ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6891ma/i_saw_this_gorgeous_blonde_police_officer_today/
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i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke

Overheard at the White House:
Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."
Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."
Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/688yzh/im_not_german_but_this_is_a_little_jokie_joke/
%
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:

I will find you. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/688vlb/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office/
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A priest, Rabbi, and Muslim Cleric walk into a bar...

The bartender looks up and goes, "what is this some sort of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/688qvp/a_priest_rabbi_and_muslim_cleric_walk_into_a_bar/
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My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/688oq4/my_girlfriend_dad_joked_me_on_a_hike/
%
How do you know a woman is going to say something smart?

When the sentence begins with, "A man once told me..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/688o9w/how_do_you_know_a_woman_is_going_to_say_something/
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What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/688mid/what_do_boobs_and_toys_have_in_common/
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Mental hospital

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to a Mental Hospital.
Just as he was about to leave, he discovered he had a flat tyre. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
Try as he might, he couldn't fish the bolts out. He was at his wits' end.
Just then one of the patients happened to walk by and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought what the heck, there was nothing much he could do. So he explained what happened to the patient.
The patient laughed at him and  said, "You can't even fix such a simple problem... No wonder you are a truck driver....
Here's what you do. Take one bolt from each of the other three tyres and fix them on this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and get the missing ones replaced. Easy as that."
The driver was stunned. He turned to the patient and asked, "So if you're this smart, then why are you here at the Mental Hospital?"
The patient replied: "Hello... I am here because I'm CRAZY. Not because I'm STUPID!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/688jtu/mental_hospital/
%
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/688io0/two_sisters_one_blonde_and_one_brunette_inherit/
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Two older couple were having breakfast

old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
old man 2: What's it's name?
old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
old man 2: Carnation?
old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
old man 2: Rose?
old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/688i87/two_older_couple_were_having_breakfast/
%
Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside....[long]

Her voice was little more than a whisper.
"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
before I go.  I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles.  And it was I who
forced your mistress to leave the city.  And I am the one who reported
your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/688i30/joe_sat_as_his_dying_wifes_bedsidelong/
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A shark was swimming around looking for food...

... and he catches a squid.
The squid says: "don't eat me, I'm really sick!"
So the shark says: "fine, I won't eat you. But I know just what to do with you..."
The shark takes the squid to his friend and says: "here's the sick squid I owe you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/688gxw/a_shark_was_swimming_around_looking_for_food/
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The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise! Surprise!
It was an Apple!
But with extremely limited memory.
Just one byte. Then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/688f8a/the_oldest_computer_can_be_traced_back_to_adam/
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If I got a dollar for every gender,

I'd have $2, two fifty cent coins and a bunch of monopoly money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/688emw/if_i_got_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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Just tried to kill a roach with axe body spray...

...now his name is Brett and he won't shut up about cross-fit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/688a22/just_tried_to_kill_a_roach_with_axe_body_spray/
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Atheist paradox

An Atheist and a Christian both die and much to the atheists surprise they both find themselves at the pearly gates. They had both lived equally immoral lives; eating animals, judging people and living selfishly. St peter says "right Atheist come on in. Christian you're off to hell."
"But why?" begs the Christian. "We lived equally yet I believed there was a God" he cries indignantly. St Peter replies...
"Well then you should have known fucking better".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6888w4/atheist_paradox/
%
A lion and his wife where sitting around one morning when a fox came by

... and started cursing "Fuck the lion, king of the jungle my ass, fuck this fuck that..." and then ran off, the lioness looks at the lion and says : "aren't you going to do something?!" and the lion said: "Just leave him alone"
The next morning same thing happens, and the lioness asks the lion to do something but yet again tells her to forget it.
This happens a few times and the lioness gets tired of this and tells the lion: "if you won't do something i will!"
Sure enough here come the fox but before he could say anything the lioness began chasing him across the jungle.
He goes across the river, the lioness is chasing him, he jumps from a cliff, the lioness jumps after him, he enters a tight cave, the lioness gets stuck, he comes out of the other end, go around and fuck the lioness before storming off.
After a struggle she was able to free herself and walked back with her head down full of shame, when he lion sees her he says: "I told you to leave him alone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6888um/a_lion_and_his_wife_where_sitting_around_one/
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A child and his Dad are on a road trip

They've been on the road for some time now and the Dad pulls out a cigarette and lights it. The kid asks, "Can I have one?"
"Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" Replies the Dad
"No..."
"Well youre not old enough."
The ride goes on and after some time the Dad cracks a beer.
Once again the child asks, "Can I have one?"
And again the father replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
And again the boys answers.. "No.."
"Well youre still not old enough."
A little while later the boy pulls out a bag of cookies and starts munching.
The Dad asks "Can I have one?"
The boy replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
The father answers, "Yea, of course!"
"Well go fuck yourself, Mom made these for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6887sh/a_child_and_his_dad_are_on_a_road_trip/
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Do you have 11 protons?

Because you look Sodium fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6887e1/do_you_have_11_protons/
%
A man from a small town walks into a bar...

Smiling from ear to ear he takes a seat at the bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
The bartender pours him a drink and asks what's got him smiling so big.
The man replied, "I'm getting married to the most beautiful woman ever this weeked."
He proceeds to show the bartender her photo and the bartender says to him,
"You can't marry that woman! She's the biggest whore in town!"
The man offended leaves and heads to another bar.
Unphased by his last encounter,  he walks into the next bar still smiling and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender serves him up and asks what's got him in such a great mood.
The man replies, "I'm marrying the love of my life this weekend. Ava Lucas "
The bartender shouts, "that woman has been with every man in town. Don't you marry that whore."
Once again, the man is offended and storms out.
He walks a couple of blocks, contemplating and sees another bar up ahead. So he walks in.
Now completely bummed out and disappointed he takes a seat at the bar and asks for some hard liquor.
The bartender asks, "what's got you feeling so down?"
The man says, "I'm getting married in a few days and a couple of people are encouraging me to not go through with it."
The bartender comforts the man by saying, "Son, marriage is a beautiful thing.  Pay no mind to the naysayers. You'll see that there are struggles in marriage but having a lifetime companion is the best thing any man can ask for. "
The man's face begins to gain color and the bartender says
"as long as you don't marry that whore of a woman Ava Lucas, you should be fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6885j4/a_man_from_a_small_town_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do bride's wear white?

To match the fridge and dishwasher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6883ef/why_do_brides_wear_white/
%
I remember my mum tucking me in when I was younger

in hindsight she made it pretty obvious she wanted a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6881w6/i_remember_my_mum_tucking_me_in_when_i_was_younger/
%
I was having a quick rest at the gym last night

when i noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to fit my finger in, to cut a long story short, she complained and now I have to find another gym.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68818o/i_was_having_a_quick_rest_at_the_gym_last_night/
%
Until recently, I didn't think there was anyone harder to please than my wife

Then I started posting on r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/687wum/until_recently_i_didnt_think_there_was_anyone/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/687vbw/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_wanted_her_to_shave/
%
I long time ago in the faraway of land of Sweden, there lived a man who dreamt his entire life of becoming a train conductor...

So he studied hard, and with great joy he achieved his goal, working happily for many years. But in time, he began to feel hollow, empty, unfulfilled, and so he thought long and hard, and a dark, primal anger welled up inside him. He decided to take drastic action, and set the trains to crash. The first set of trains ground to halt centimetres from each other, the next, millimetres, and the third set CRASHED together, killing 5 people. The man was sent to court and found guilty for murder. He was sentenced to death by the electric chair. For his last meal, he asked for a single green banana. The next morning he was lead to the chair. The lever was pulled, sparks flew…
and nothing happened.
Due to a defunct law still unfortunately in place at the time, the man was allowed to go free. Not 3 years later, in the neighbouring country of Sweden the 2nd, the man once again landed himself a job as a train conductor, and for 7 long years he was content. But once more, the vicious rage that once compelled him returned, bubbling up inside like an old friend. He knew what to do. The first set of trains ground to a halt centimetres from each other, the second, millimetres and the third nanometres. But the fourth set CRASHED into each other, killing ten people. Once more, the man was sent to court, and once more he was found guilty for murder. They also dragged up his previous charge. He wasn’t getting away this time. Once more, he was sentenced to death by the electric chair, and once more he asked for a single green banana.
But the guard had done his research. “I’m not going to give you your green banana” he spat, “you’re going to die for this”. So the man was sent to the chair hungry, ready to face justice. The lever was pulled, sparks flew…
And nothing happened.
The guard was dumbfounded “But I didn’t give you the green banana!” he exclaimed. “It had nothing to do with the banana” the man replied, “I’m just not a very good conductor”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/687v6o/i_long_time_ago_in_the_faraway_of_land_of_sweden/
%
STDS are like Pokemon

My dad gave me the best ones when I was 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/687twj/stds_are_like_pokemon/
%
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/687pak/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
%
[NSFW] So a man walks into a pub. There is a jar of money on the bar...

He asks the bartender "what's with the jar of money?" The bartender tells him there is a few tasks, and if he can complete them, he can have all the money in it. Without hesitation, the man asks what those tasks are.
The bartender says "First, you must drink this entire bottle of vodka straight, and finish it in less than 15 minutes."
"Not so bad" the man thought while looking at the money. 26 ounces isn't too hard to drink...
The bartender then tells him "After that, there is a savage pitbull that we keep for protection in the alley, he is about 150lbs, mean, and has a tooth that needs to be extracted."
The man thinks about this for awhile, comes up with a strategy, and agrees.
"Finally" says the bartender. "There is an old woman upstairs, she is 82 years old, and has never been sexually satisfied in her life. Your last task is just that, and then the money is yours."
The man decides he is up to the task. He grabs the bottle of vodka and downs the whole thing in 14.5 minutes. He staggers off the barstool, piss drunk, outside to the next task.
After about 45 minutes of barking, screaming, fighting, and sounds of horror coming from the alley, the man stumbles inside.
Bloodied, drunk, and disoriented he looks at the bartender and slurs...
"So wheres the old lady with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/687m23/nsfw_so_a_man_walks_into_a_pub_there_is_a_jar_of/
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I highly respect microscopes

they teach us to enjoy the little things in life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/687i2z/i_highly_respect_microscopes/
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Hooker in a cab...

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/687hh6/hooker_in_a_cab/
%
What's United's favorite meal?

Chinese takeout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/687gy0/whats_uniteds_favorite_meal/
%
A wife is surprised to see her husband home early.

She says to him "Wow honey, you're home early."
He replies "Yeah. My boss told me to go to hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/687buc/a_wife_is_surprised_to_see_her_husband_home_early/
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If your girl complains that you never take her anywhere expensive

Take her to the gas station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/687bd7/if_your_girl_complains_that_you_never_take_her/
%
Another lawyer joke

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6878am/another_lawyer_joke/
%
Three blondes were walking in the woods...

Three blondes were walking in the woods. They found some tracks. The first said "oh its wolf tracks!" The second said, "No, its horse tracks." And the third one said "I think its pig tracks" shortly after they were all hit by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6876db/three_blondes_were_walking_in_the_woods/
%
Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6875s8/why_did_the_tomato_blush/
%
Anyone who thinks stupid may stand up

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68745w/anyone_who_thinks_stupid_may_stand_up/
%
A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...

The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That's ridiculous; an iceberg sunk the titanic!". The Chinese man responds, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Silverberg, you're all the same".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/687334/a_jew_and_a_chinese_man_are_in_an_argument/
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United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane"

Largest bill for Chinese take out to date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6872bl/united_airlines_pays_enormous_sum_to_dr_dao_who/
%
What do Venezuela and Disneyland have in common?

They have long food lines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68711x/what_do_venezuela_and_disneyland_have_in_common/
%
Dogs can't get MRIs

But cats can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6870vu/dogs_cant_get_mris/
%
A Texan in Ireland

So a Texan is visiting Ireland for the first time. Now, he's heard the Irish are world class drinkers, but he wants to see it for himself.
Being the cocky sort, he offers up a bet of $500 to anyone who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes. He stands at the bar, looking at the other patrons, and none of them seem willing to take him up on the offer. After a minute, he sees one man get up and leave.
Disappointed, he takes a seat at the bar again and carries on with his night. About thirty minutes later, he gets a tap on the shoulder and the man who'd left earlier is standing there. He asks if the bet is still good, and the Texan says it is.
So he orders up ten pints of Guinness, and one after another the Irishman drinks them down. Impressed and a man of his word, the Texan pays up. But first, he asks, "I gotta know, where'd y'all go before you came back to the bar?"
The Irishman shrugged and said, "$500 is a lot of money, I had to run home and make sure I could drink that much first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68702j/a_texan_in_ireland/
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/686z3c/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
%
A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face.

Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/686u12/a_couple_of_years_ago_one_night_i_was_about_to/
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I told a guy talking on the phone in the library to shut the fuck up

As a result, everyone in the library started to applaud me so I turned and told them all to shut the fuck up too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/686t4z/i_told_a_guy_talking_on_the_phone_in_the_library/
%
Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/686s5p/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blowjob_from_a_guy/
%
What's the best part about Islamic sex dolls?

They blow themselves up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/686ofq/whats_the_best_part_about_islamic_sex_dolls/
%
A man goes to see his lawyer and says....

"I can't stand my name. I'm sick of people making fun of me. I want to officially have it changed."
The lawyer says: "What's your current name?"
"John Bedwetter."
"What do you want to change it to?"
"Paul Bedwetter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/686od0/a_man_goes_to_see_his_lawyer_and_says/
%
My Russian automobile is getting pretty shitty at this point...

Soviet, I'm Lenin towards Putin that Stalin, Ruski thing on Craigslist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/686mla/my_russian_automobile_is_getting_pretty_shitty_at/
%
What do North Korea and Matthew McConaughey have in common?

Failure to Launch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/686lkc/what_do_north_korea_and_matthew_mcconaughey_have/
%
Knock Knock

Person 1: Knock Knock!
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Alzheimer's.
Person 2: Alzheimer's who?
Person 1: Knock Knock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/686kmf/knock_knock/
%
What's the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test?

A period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/686geq/whats_the_proper_punctuation_for_a_negative/
%
A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose nametag reads "Patricia Whack."

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation," says the frog.
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6869fb/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank_and_approaches_the/
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How does a panda do a one night stand?

Eats, shoots, and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6863aa/how_does_a_panda_do_a_one_night_stand/
%
What do a walrus and a ziplock bag have in common?

They both like a tight seal.
In honor of the guy on the front page that ruined his dick by putting it in a bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6861xj/what_do_a_walrus_and_a_ziplock_bag_have_in_common/
%
A group of introverts...

is called a paradox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685xhy/a_group_of_introverts/
%
Don't "T-sun-dere-stimate" NKorea

After today's successful ballistic missile test,Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years. A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?" There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause!
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time!" Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685x23/dont_tsunderestimate_nkorea/
%
Confession

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685wc4/confession/
%
There was an old man on his front porch drinking a glass of whiskey.

The man's grandson opened the front door and said "hey grandpa! Can I have some?". "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Asked the man. "No" said the boy. The old man said "well that means you can't have any."
The next day, the man was out on his front porch again smoking a Cuban cigar. Out comes the boy again and asks "can I try that?". "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Says the man. "No" says the boy, saddened by his grandfather's reply and goes back inside.
The next day the Grandfather is out on his front porch watching the sunset, when his grandson comes out with a platter of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. "Can I have one of those?" Asked the man. "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Asked the boy. "Why yes it can as a matter of fact!" Says the Grandfather. The boy replies with "Then go fuck yourself! These are my cookies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685sgq/there_was_an_old_man_on_his_front_porch_drinking/
%
What do "The Sixth Sense" and "Titanic" have in common?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685rb7/what_do_the_sixth_sense_and_titanic_have_in_common/
%
Two elderly widows were on a walk. Ethel said, "Well, Mabel, I've been reading these Cosmopolitan magazines at the doctor's office. But all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685r6c/two_elderly_widows_were_on_a_walk_ethel_said_well/
%
A boy walks into an ice cream parlor....

The kid strolls up the counter, and the employee asks the lad....
"What flavor would you like?"
He looks over the list of flavors, and after a brief moment he says...
"Chocolate!"
With a sad face, the employee looks down to the boy and says... "I'm sorry, we're all out lf chocolate." The boy seems unfazed by this, and looks at the flavors again, taking even longer, then he says... "I'll have chocolate!" The employee raises an eyebrow and says "I told you, we're all out of Chocolate." The child looks kver the list again, and declares "Chocolate." To which the employee responds, "We're out of Chocolate."
They go through this about five more times, until the employee speaks up. "Say, you're a smart lad, can you spell the 'Straw' in Strawberry?" He spells it out.
"Very good! Now, can you spell the 'Van' in vanilla?"
He spells it out.
"Now, can you spell the 'Fuck' in chocolate?"
The child looks confused, and after taking a moment to think states... "There is no 'Fuck' in chocolate."
The employee says "That's right. There's no fuckin' chocolate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685o5r/a_boy_walks_into_an_ice_cream_parlor/
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A kiss will make my day

But anal will make my hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685o4h/a_kiss_will_make_my_day/
%
Is it wrong to hate a specific race

Because I really hate marathons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685lq7/is_it_wrong_to_hate_a_specific_race/
%
Maybe in the year 2020...

we'll all see things more clearly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685l3l/maybe_in_the_year_2020/
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What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin, get in the Batmobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685krp/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
%
A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685jkp/a_man_doing_market_research_knocked_on_a_door_he/
%
Doctor: You need to stop masturbating

Me: But why?
Doc: Because I need to fucking examine you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685j2z/doctor_you_need_to_stop_masturbating/
%
Siri why am I single?

Turns on front camera

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685ipv/siri_why_am_i_single/
%
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.

Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685h3b/outside_of_a_dog_a_book_is_a_mans_best_friend/
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I visited the wife's grave early today...

A man walked by and said "Morning!"
I replied, "No, just walking the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685h11/i_visited_the_wifes_grave_early_today/
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How many Trump supporters does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They'd rather be in the dark about things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685fro/how_many_trump_supporters_does_it_take_to_screw_a/
%
What's the difference between a good joke and

A bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685frq/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
%
My grandfather died last year.

A month before he died, he smeared some lard on his back.
After that he went downhill fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685fmn/my_grandfather_died_last_year/
%
I played my wedding video backwards today.

It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685bmx/i_played_my_wedding_video_backwards_today/
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What do you call it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

$5.99 per minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/685ars/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_woman_talks_dirty_to_a/
%
What do you call a computer that can sing?

A dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6859zp/what_do_you_call_a_computer_that_can_sing/
%
In an old castle, a lady says to the guide...

"I've heard that this place is haunted. I'm so scared!"
The guide says: "I've been working here for 558 years and I've never seen any ghosts..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/684xcl/in_an_old_castle_a_lady_says_to_the_guide/
%
A man walks into a car dealership...

and sees the car of his dreams.   As he walks over to it just to touch the car, he accidentally farts.   Embarrassed, he looks around and sees that no one saw.    A moment later the salesman walks over, and the man says "I'd like to know the price of this car please."
The salesman says - "I am sorry sir, I can't tell you."
The man exclaims - "Why the hell not?!?"
The salesman replies...
"Sir - if you farted from touching the car, you're going to shit when you hear the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/684ut0/a_man_walks_into_a_car_dealership/
%
I was driving when something told me I was going the wrong way...

I think it was a sign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/684t4w/i_was_driving_when_something_told_me_i_was_going/
%
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/684rhy/what_do_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
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Donald Trumps ask the Queen of England for Tips

Donald Trump  met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, "Your  Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you could give me?"
"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"
Theresa May walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Theresa.  Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.  Who is it?"
Without  pausing for a moment, Theresa May answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Pence ran in to Sarah Palin in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"
Pence then, went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
It's Sarah Palin!"
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot!   It's Theresa May!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/684qtl/donald_trumps_ask_the_queen_of_england_for_tips/
%
What the difference between your wife and your job?

After 5 years your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/684owp/what_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your_job/
%
I got in touch with my innerself

The toilet paper ripped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/684lxl/i_got_in_touch_with_my_innerself/
%
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear zippers.
-- shamelessly stolen from Cecil Adams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/684kcu/why_do_scotsmen_wear_kilts/
%
How do you catch a rabbit?

Lie in a field and make carrot noises.
Thanks, I'll grab my coat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/684hp9/how_do_you_catch_a_rabbit/
%
I'm seriously digging this girl

Three more feet to go till I reach the coffin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/684g1i/im_seriously_digging_this_girl/
%
3 dogs are at the vet

There's a poodle, pitbull, and a Labrador at the vet. While each of them waits in line for their turn they start to talk and ask each other why they're there.
The pitbull says "I bit the neighbors dog so they're putting me down".
The poodle says "I'm an old dog, I've had 17 great years but I'm going blind, it hurts to walk so they're putting me down.".
The Labrador says "My owner is a super model, complete babe, 10/10.   She walks around naked all the time so when she bent over I just started to go at her with all my might, how could I resist"
The pitbull and poodle are in shock, "You're getting put down for that!?"
"No," laughed the Labrador, "I'm getting my nails cut"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/684eib/3_dogs_are_at_the_vet/
%
A man walks into a bar

He says to the barman "five double vodkas, please."
The barman pours the drinks and the man drinks them straight down, one, two, three, four and five. The barman says "wow, bad day?"
The man replied "The worst. Can I get five more please?"
The barman pours another five and the man drinks the straight down. The barman says "What makes a day so bad that needs ten double vodkas to sort out?"
The man says "Well, I came home from work and found my best friend in bed with my wife. I'm devastated".
The barman says "Wow, I can't imagine how that would feel, here's another five on the house if you want them. What did you say to your wife?"
The man says "I told her I never want to see her again, I can't stand the sight of her and I told her I wanted her moved out of the house by the time I get back from the bar. I'm divorcing her and never ever speaking to her again."
"Oh mate" the barman says, "I'm so, so sorry, I really hope you're OK. But what did you say to your friend?"
The man says "I say him down, looked him in the eye and said 'bad dog'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/684c5e/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I was gently stroking a woman I had just met...

I was gently stroking a woman I had just met.
I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
She started to squirm a little, as if shocked by my touch.
I put my hand off to the side, and smiled at her, saying:
"You're good to go m'am, have a safe flight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6849rq/i_was_gently_stroking_a_woman_i_had_just_met/
%
I told my wife that she would look better with her hair back

She was furious, apparently it's insensitive to say that to cancer patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6843hp/i_told_my_wife_that_she_would_look_better_with/
%
Don’t wait until you are on your death bed to tell people how you really feel because..

because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger… 😂😂😂😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/683x15/dont_wait_until_you_are_on_your_death_bed_to_tell/
%
Why does reddit love motivated people?

Because we give it r/all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/683tos/why_does_reddit_love_motivated_people/
%
What type of cookies do fat people eat?

Four chin cookies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/683spu/what_type_of_cookies_do_fat_people_eat/
%
What happened to the frog who parked illegally?

He got toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/683ohf/what_happened_to_the_frog_who_parked_illegally/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/683klx/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_pimp/
%
[NSFW]Why is your first car like anal?

Because it is not very good, but your dad will give it to you anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/683f9l/nsfwwhy_is_your_first_car_like_anal/
%
A con man is arrested for conning several women out of their jewelry.

The sheriff's prison is full and doesn't have the budget to hold him anywhere else so that weekend he ties the man to a pole and creates two lines. In one line citizens pay a dollar to punch him in the face, in the other they pay five dollars to kick him in the balls.
On the final day one guy pays his one dollar and waits his turn. When he gets up to the cob man he notices the mans face is so beat up and bloody that it's impossible to recognize who he is anymore and questions what punching him would even accomplish. So, he winds his leg back and nails him the balls.
The sheriff runs up to him and yells, "Hey, you can't do that!"
The man asks, "Why not"
The sheriff replied, "This is the punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/683f50/a_con_man_is_arrested_for_conning_several_women/
%
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago

Since then, my mugging attempts have been more successful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/683cfe/i_started_carrying_a_knife_after_an_attempted/
%
A group of wives go on a bus trip

.
It was a rainy day. So, while driving over a bridge, the driver lost control over the bus and the bus fell into the river.
All women died in the accident.
The next day, their husbands came to the bridge to mourn for their dead wives.
After a few hours, all men but one left.
Another man, who was puzzled about thios man's behaviour, came back a couple hours later to ask the man why he was still mourning.
He replied: "It's not like that... it's just... my wife... she missed the bus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/683bda/a_group_of_wives_go_on_a_bus_trip/
%
What vehicle do you give a Pharaoh as a gift?

A new bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6839sz/what_vehicle_do_you_give_a_pharaoh_as_a_gift/
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3rd Grade Classroom in a Chicken Farming Community

Miss Coral is a 3rd grade teacher in a rural community where almost all of the residents are chicken farmers.  She decides to do a lesson with her students on stories with morals, and gives her students the homework of finding a story from their families that have morals.
The next day she asks her class who has a story.  Every single hand goes up and she calls on Susie to tell a story.
&nbsp;
"My daddy is a chicken farmer," begins Susie, "And once he was driving to market with all of the eggs from a whole week in the back of his pickup.  He hit a giant pothole in the road and the eggs bounced high into the air and broke!  And the moral of the story is: don't put all of your eggs in one basket."
&nbsp;
"Thank you Susie" said Miss Coral, "Anybody else?"  Every single hand in the classroom was still raised high, so she called on little James.
&nbsp;
"My daddy is a chicken farmer," began James, "And he will sell baby chicks to other farmers who need more chickens.  One time he agreed to sell ten baby chicks, but only seven hatched from the eggs!  He had to give back the money for the other three.  And the moral of the story is: don't count your chickens before their hatched."
&nbsp;
"Thank you James," said Miss Coral.  "Anybody else?"  Every hand went up.  She realized that she was going to have to sit through more chicken farming stories.  She had come to town on a rural teaching program and was sick of chicken farming, she was sick of chicken stories, so she asked, "Does anybody have a story that does not have to do with chicken farming?"
&nbsp;
Only one hand stayed up.  It was little Frank.  Frank lived on the edge of town in a trailer park and didn't contribute much to class, so with a sigh of relief she called on him to tell his story.
&nbsp;
"Well," began Frank, "My uncle Jimmy was a helicopter pilot in 'Nam, and one day his chopper was hit and went down in the jungle.  Sizing up the situation, he realized he was surrounded by fifty Viet Cong.  All he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.  So he drank the entire bottle of whiskey.  Mowed down 20 Viet Cong with the machine gun, hacked through 20 Viet Cong with the machete, and tore apart the last 10 with his bare hands!"
&nbsp;
The entire room is silent.  Nobody know what to say. Finally, Miss Coral breaks the silence and asks Frank what the moral to his story is.
&nbsp;
"Well," says Frank, "Like my Daddy always says to me: Don't you fuck with your uncle Jimmy when he's been drinkin'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/683809/3rd_grade_classroom_in_a_chicken_farming_community/
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I was telling my wife about how diabetes runs in my family.

She told me, "Don't be silly, nobody runs in your family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6836r5/i_was_telling_my_wife_about_how_diabetes_runs_in/
%
What's big, yellow, and can't swim?

A bus full of kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/683698/whats_big_yellow_and_cant_swim/
%
How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6834dm/how_did_the_farmer_find_his_wife/
%
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68345h/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
Today I learnt a school of piranhas will rip

every inch of flesh of a child's body in under a minute.
Today I also lost my job at the aquarium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6831pt/today_i_learnt_a_school_of_piranhas_will_rip/
%
I know how to make holy water

You boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682x6y/i_know_how_to_make_holy_water/
%
I haven't spoken to my wife in nearly a year.

I don't like to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682vnq/i_havent_spoken_to_my_wife_in_nearly_a_year/
%
A young man takes a seat next to a pirate in a tavern.

He quickly notices that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook in place of a hand, and an eye-patch.
He can’t help himself.  “Sir, I just have to ask, what happened to your foot?”
“Well, matey, t’was a vicious storm one night, and I was thrown overboard.  A great big shark bit me leg clean off!”
“Oh goodness!”  The young man eyed the pirate’s hook.  “And what about your hand?”
“Arr, we attacked a vessel to steal its booty, and one of their crew took off me hand with his sword!”
“So then, I just have to ask, what happened to your eye?”
The pirate paused.  “A seagull dropping fell in me eye.”
The young man was stunned.  “A seagull dropping?”
“Aye laddy.  It was me first day with the hook.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682ppo/a_young_man_takes_a_seat_next_to_a_pirate_in_a/
%
What did Mike Wazowski call his tattoo parlor?

Monster's Ink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682isn/what_did_mike_wazowski_call_his_tattoo_parlor/
%
Atheism

Is a non-prophet organisation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682i2m/atheism/
%
A man walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender: "What do I have to do to drink for free here for the rest of my life?". The bartenders says: "Alright, if you do three things for me, I'll give you everything you can drink for the rest of your life! First you must drink three pints of whiskey in one minute. After this you must go to the backyard and help my pet bear. He has a terriblly rotten tooth you must pull out. After you manage to do this you must go upstairs and have sex with the lady there. She never gets any attention and I want her to have a good time. You think you can do all of that?" The man nods and starts drinking the whiskey. He manages to drink all three pints in one minute. Extremely intoxicated he walks outside. The bartender hears a fight, loud growls and screams of the man. Eventually the man walks back in the bar with his clothes ripped and wounds everywhere and says: "Alright now where's that lady with the toothache?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682i1f/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What has two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese telephone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682gze/what_has_two_wings_and_an_arrow/
%
Today I was in the elevator with a guy who only rode to the second floor. He couldn't even bother to take one flight of stairs?

How lazy. That's probably how he got to be in a wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682glu/today_i_was_in_the_elevator_with_a_guy_who_only/
%
What's the difference between a coffee and your political opinion?

I asked for the coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682gkw/whats_the_difference_between_a_coffee_and_your/
%
Yesterday a man knocked on my door..

Yesterday a man knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
BAHAHAHAHA!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682g6h/yesterday_a_man_knocked_on_my_door/
%
I just put a porn movie on for Han and Greedo.

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682es0/i_just_put_a_porn_movie_on_for_han_and_greedo/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette.

are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682ekq/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
%
Why wasn't jesus born in texas?

They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682eie/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_texas/
%
I have a puzzle that has 3-6 years written on it

But it only took me 5 months to finish it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682div/i_have_a_puzzle_that_has_36_years_written_on_it/
%
What's an asymmetrical word, which means the same when spelt backwards?

- Nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682cbi/whats_an_asymmetrical_word_which_means_the_same/
%
Dyslexic people of reddit,

UNTIE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/682b7y/dyslexic_people_of_reddit/
%
I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6829iz/i_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_shit_myself/
%
Communism jokes are just not funny

Unless everyone else get them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68298c/communism_jokes_are_just_not_funny/
%
An old man is sitting on his porch...

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.
The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."
The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.
An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.
Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "I sent three boats after you! What else did you want me to do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6828yq/an_old_man_is_sitting_on_his_porch/
%
Whats the difference between a rusty bus stop and a crab with a boob job?

One is a rusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6826oc/whats_the_difference_between_a_rusty_bus_stop_and/
%
How is imitation like a plateau?

They're both the highest forms of flattery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68211l/how_is_imitation_like_a_plateau/
%
Suicide Bombing Instructor

What were the suicide bombing instructor's last words?
"Now I'm only going to show you this once!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6820wj/suicide_bombing_instructor/
%
How do you call a flower on steroids?

A power plant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681ygx/how_do_you_call_a_flower_on_steroids/
%
Past, present and future walk into a bar

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681xz1/past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I order eggs through United Airlines when making omelets.

Because they come pre-beaten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681ux3/i_order_eggs_through_united_airlines_when_making/
%
Speak clearly

A man and woman hook up at a bar. They go back to his place and things quickly start getting hot. Soon they are both naked in bed. He is kissing her all over her body and soon his face is in her crotch licking and kissing her. She hears a muffled voice coming from between her legs saying  "urinate, urinate". She thinks this is really kinky but decides to go with it and starts pissing all over his face. He jumps up yelling, "what the hell is wrong with you?" "Well, you said urinate!" "You were an 8 til you pissed on my face, now you're only a 2!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681ug6/speak_clearly/
%
I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back…

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time my wife was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
I stopped abruptly and rolled over to my side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping?" she whispered.
I whispered back, "I found the remote."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681q65/i_started_by_running_my_hand_across_her_shoulders/
%
Why did the duck get suspended from school?

For fowl language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681pzg/why_did_the_duck_get_suspended_from_school/
%
How does Mario contact the dead?

With a Luigi board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681pgf/how_does_mario_contact_the_dead/
%
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

Retail store. I know I'm lame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681mfc/where_do_animals_go_when_their_tails_fall_off/
%
I just joined Reddit

I fear I may regreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681lvn/i_just_joined_reddit/
%
A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.
I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681lv5/a_vegan_friends_status_said_if_we_had_to_kill/
%
What's the LGBT community's favorite sex position?

Sixty-*Nouns*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681ln8/whats_the_lgbt_communitys_favorite_sex_position/
%
Buzzfeed

Friend: "Would you ever work for buzzfeed?"
Me: "No, sorry I don't support cancer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681k76/buzzfeed/
%
Why is it so easy for Reddit to get girlfriends?

It goes down daily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681itj/why_is_it_so_easy_for_reddit_to_get_girlfriends/
%
The productivity all around the world skyrocketed...

...then the Reddit maintenance came to an end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681f79/the_productivity_all_around_the_world_skyrocketed/
%
Have you ever visited conjunctivitis.com?

It's a site for sore eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681ctu/have_you_ever_visited_conjunctivitiscom/
%
The worst part about being a giraffe

is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
Credit. The Joke Cafe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681cpt/the_worst_part_about_being_a_giraffe/
%
What's worse than your son to download porn?

Your daughter to upload

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/681awj/whats_worse_than_your_son_to_download_porn/
%
The death count nears 50 after scaffolding collapses and crushes fans at a rock music festival...

Eye-witnesses say there was a lot of heavy metal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6818s7/the_death_count_nears_50_after_scaffolding/
%
We've sent multiple rovers too mars but mars hasn't sent any back.

It's about time we play red rover with another planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6812y4/weve_sent_multiple_rovers_too_mars_but_mars_hasnt/
%
What's the difference between a guitarist and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6812gp/whats_the_difference_between_a_guitarist_and_a/
%
Grandpa was summoned for an audit.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6811mt/grandpa_was_summoned_for_an_audit/
%
A man gets a new job...

A man gets a new job as a bingo caller.
On his first night, about 10 minutes into it, he lets rip with a mammoth fart.
The supervisor comes over to him and says "don't do that again!"
"Sorry mate" the man says, "it must be the nerves."
"Fair enough, but you didn't have to hold the microphone up to your arse"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680vpd/a_man_gets_a_new_job/
%
LIVE ON RADIO [long]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
The city dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
Brian: 'Sarah.'
DJ: 'Is Sarah at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, the first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh...'
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.'
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones .....ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Well...'
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: 'Up the arse'
After a long pause, the DJ said: "Folks, we need to take a station break"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680qc5/live_on_radio_long/
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What Language Does a Mailman Speak?

Parcel-tongue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680pri/what_language_does_a_mailman_speak/
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How are airbags and feminists similar?

When triggered, both explode right in your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680pk7/how_are_airbags_and_feminists_similar/
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What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680k4m/whats_the_difference_between_three_dicks_and_a/
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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because very one who can run, jump, climb, or swim is already in the US.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680k42/why_doesnt_mexico_have_an_olympic_team/
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Grandpa was summoned for an audit.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680jza/grandpa_was_summoned_for_an_audit/
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A man asks,

“God, why did you make women so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680h74/a_man_asks/
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What do you call an albino in a BDSM scene?

Whipped cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680h4l/what_do_you_call_an_albino_in_a_bdsm_scene/
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A woman is pregnant with triplets

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK.
The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680gka/a_woman_is_pregnant_with_triplets/
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Events like 9/11 don't grow on trees

They grow on Bushes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680flb/events_like_911_dont_grow_on_trees/
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[long] A Priest, An Imam and a Rabbi Get a Haircut

A barber is sitting in his shop when a priest enters. “Can I have a haircut?” the priest asks. “Of course,” says the barber. The barber than gives the priest a haircut. When the barber has finished, the priest asks “How much do I owe you?” “Nothing,” replies the barber. “For you are a holy man.” The priest leaves. The next morning, when the barber opens his shop, he finds a bag with one hundred gold coins in it. A short while later, an Imam enters the shop. “Can I have a haircut?” he asks. “Of course,” says the barber, who gives the Imam a haircut. When the barber has finished, the Imam asks “How much do I owe you?” “Nothing,” replies the barber. “For you are a holy man.” The Imam leaves. The next morning, when the barber opens his shop, he finds a bag with a hundred gold coins in it. A bit later, a rabbi walks in the door. “Can I have a haircut?” the rabbi asks. “Of course,” says the barber, who gives the rabbi a haircut. When the haircut is finished, the rabbi asks, “How much do I owe you?” “Nothing,” replies the barber, “for you are a holy man.” The rabbi leaves. The next morning, when the barber opens his shop, he finds a hundred rabbis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680dlh/long_a_priest_an_imam_and_a_rabbi_get_a_haircut/
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What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't make a vitamin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680cto/whats_the_difference_between_a_vitamin_and_a/
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Where did the General put his armies

In his sleevies...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680b1v/where_did_the_general_put_his_armies/
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My girlfriend created this joke earlier today and I found it hilarious!

A preacher, lawyer, a hired agent, and an alcoholic walk into a bar. The bartender asks each of them if they want a drink. The preacher responds "No, I'm an advocate for temperance."
The lawyer responds "No, I'm only here so that people can listen to my voice."
The hired agent responds "No, I'm only here for the money."
The alcoholic responds, "Give me four...these people need a drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6809b9/my_girlfriend_created_this_joke_earlier_today_and/
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This whole skepticism thing...

I'm not sure I buy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6807aq/this_whole_skepticism_thing/
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How does a blind person know when to open their parachute?

When their leash goes slack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6806p9/how_does_a_blind_person_know_when_to_open_their/
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What do you call a gay drive by?

A fruit roll up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6804g1/what_do_you_call_a_gay_drive_by/
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Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man.

He complained about everything. One day he went to the creek with his mule and as he went, he complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.
At the funeral, as men walked by, the wife would shake her head "yes". Every time women walked by, she would shake her head "no".
The minister asked, ''Why are you shaking your head 'yes' to the men and 'no' to the women?''
Her response was, ''When the men walk by saying how sorry they are and if i'm going to be OK, I respond saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walk by, they keep asking if the mule is for sale."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68026q/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_woman_married_to_an/
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How does a farmer party

He turnips the beets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6800q6/how_does_a_farmer_party/
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A man and his wife went to the state fair every year

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6800li/a_man_and_his_wife_went_to_the_state_fair_every/
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I only drink on days that start with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/680053/i_only_drink_on_days_that_start_with_t/
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What's the difference between feminists and a suicide vest?

The suicide vest actually accomplishes something when it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67zu42/whats_the_difference_between_feminists_and_a/
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67zu3g/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon_today/
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A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship

so she decides to place a very specific ad for a lover in the newspaper. The ad reads, "I am looking for someone who will never hit me, never walk on out on me, and is good in bed." A few days later, her doorbell rings. She answers the door to see a quadriplegic man sitting in a wheelchair. He smiles at her and claims to be the right man for her. a bit skeptical, she asks the man how could he possibly be the man she is looking for? The man says, "Look I have no arms, so I promise I will never hit you; and I also have no legs, so I promise I will never walk out on you." The woman, agreeing but not quite satisfied, asks “well how do I know you’ll be good in bed?" And the man smiles and replies, "how do you think I rang the doorbell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ztey/a_womans_having_a_hard_time_finding_a_healthy/
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How to live happily ever after ?

Jerry and his wife never fought for 25 years of their marriage. A friend asked him how he had managed to make it possible.
He narrated, ‘We went for our Honeymoon in Australia 25years ago, and while riding on a horse, my wife’s horse jumped and my wife fell down. She then got up, patted the Horse’s back and said ‘this is your first time’.
After a while,it happened again. She patted the horse again and said ‘this is your second time’. The horse did it again the third time, she brought out a gun and shot the horse dead.
I was so shocked and shouted at her, ‘Are you crazy ? What’s wrong with you? Why did you kill the horse ?
She gave me a grave look and said ‘THIS YOUR FIRST TIME’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67zt3u/how_to_live_happily_ever_after/
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What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?...

...I can only blame myshelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67zqo9/what_did_sean_connery_say_when_a_book_fell_on_his/
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I like to do algebra, I'll do geometry,

but graphing is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67zjea/i_like_to_do_algebra_ill_do_geometry/
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So the teacher asks

an African student to use the word dandelion in a sentence.
The student says: the cheetah can run faster dandelion.
Ba-dum-tss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67zhjy/so_the_teacher_asks/
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Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67zh9x/interviewer_how_much_milk_do_these_cows_give/
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My wife came home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear..

I asked her, "Why are you so happy?"
She said, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" I quipped. "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"
She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67zeuw/my_wife_came_home_from_her_doctors_appointment/
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What do you call a pig delivery service?

Hamazon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67zdfq/what_do_you_call_a_pig_delivery_service/
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What's the difference between a pimple and a priest?

The pimple waits until your 13 to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67z7ok/whats_the_difference_between_a_pimple_and_a_priest/
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"Mom , I'm going out with the girls tonite" "Not with that mini skirt, take it off and put something else"

"But why mom?"
"Because I can see your balls frank"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67z5q3/mom_im_going_out_with_the_girls_tonite_not_with/
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Knock, knock...

'Who's there?'
'Daisy!'
'Daisy who?'
'Daisy me rollin' they hatin'!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67z20f/knock_knock/
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It's down to two guys at a job interview.

Both of the men interviewing are equally qualified all the way down to eagle scout so the interviewer has an idea.  "The one of you that can give me the better poem ending in Timbuktu gets the job."  The first guy stands up and says, "Out across the desert sand went a lonely caravan.  Underneath the sky so blue, their destination, Timbuktu."  The second guy just sat there stunned.  He knew he couldn't compete and was about to give up when inspiration struck.  "Me and Tim a fishing went when we saw three ladies in a tent.  They being three, and we being two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67z1yq/its_down_to_two_guys_at_a_job_interview/
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What is the difference between a zippo and a hippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67yyq6/what_is_the_difference_between_a_zippo_and_a_hippo/
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I was sad I missed a Dave Chappelle special on T.V...

But then my girlfriend reminded me,  I can just watch Amy Schumer to hear all his best jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67yyjz/i_was_sad_i_missed_a_dave_chappelle_special_on_tv/
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My wife just let out a humongous fart, you could have heard it down the street...

Then she says, "sorry, I just farted"
I was like, "no shit!"
She said, "actually... maybe a little"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67yxyx/my_wife_just_let_out_a_humongous_fart_you_could/
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Want to hear a word I made up?

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67yvxo/want_to_hear_a_word_i_made_up/
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Mother Superior and a young nun are driving across Europe...

The young nun is driving. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the young nun, "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windscreen wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," says Mother Superior.
She switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" shouts the young nun. "Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican, " says Mother Superior.
The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts the nun. "Show him your cross," says Mother Superior.
So she winds the window down and shouts: "Get off the fucking car!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67yv4k/mother_superior_and_a_young_nun_are_driving/
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Three Cowboys stood around a campfire....

They were bragging about how tough they were. The first cowboy said " I broke my arm getting thrown off a horse, so I set it myself and made a sling out of rope.
The second cowboy said " I lost three fingers while branding a cow. I wrapped them in cowhide, and then sewed them back on myself with a needle and thread.
The third cowboy said nothing. He just stood there slowly stirring the hot coals of the fire. With his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67yuiu/three_cowboys_stood_around_a_campfire/
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How does Thor blend in to society without being noticed?

He keeps it Loki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67yt10/how_does_thor_blend_in_to_society_without_being/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ysvl/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three?

Because the sign says "No Trespassing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67yq31/why_do_mexicans_never_cross_the_border_in_groups/
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What is the difference between your dog and your wife?

When you open up the trunk to let them out the dog is happy to see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ylvu/what_is_the_difference_between_your_dog_and_your/
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Have you heard the name of Chris Brown's latest album?

Chris Brown's Greatest Hits ft. Rihanna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ylek/have_you_heard_the_name_of_chris_browns_latest/
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The Squirrels vs. The Church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ykcd/the_squirrels_vs_the_church/
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Will Smith is lost in the woods...

One day Will Smith was researching a new role for a movie by camping alone in the woods. Eventually he got lost and a search party was formed.
First, a Search and Rescue team made up of local volunteers and firefighters went into the woods to look for him. They searched for hours but came back empty handed.
Next, a pilot decided to fly his helicopter over the area. A few hours later he also returned, unable to find Will Smith.
Finally, an old man, who was a master tracker, decided to show the young men a lesson. He went into the woods, and to everyone's amazement he returned an hour later with Will Smith. Everyone was happy, but they were also in awe of the old man's skill. They asked the old man how he tracked down the actor so quickly. The old man replied, "it was easy. You just look for the fresh prints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67yfx0/will_smith_is_lost_in_the_woods/
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I found out my mother used to have sex with animals back before I was born

So I killed her with my bear hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67yf69/i_found_out_my_mother_used_to_have_sex_with/
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The Nun and statute of naked man in bar

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into  Hooters Resto-Bar.
The place was hopping with music &  loud conversation and every once in a while “the lights would turn off.”
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers!
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?’
The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, a little later the lights went momentarily out, again!
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stood up to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?’
‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender,’Would you like a drink?’
‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out! Now, how about that drink?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67yehc/the_nun_and_statute_of_naked_man_in_bar/
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Why do sorority girls only travel in groups with odd numbers?

Because they cant even!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ycau/why_do_sorority_girls_only_travel_in_groups_with/
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Why can't transvestites fly planes?

Theres too much drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67yagm/why_cant_transvestites_fly_planes/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ya5h/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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a black guy, a rabbi, and a lesbian walk into a bar...

across the street their physical therapist watches proudly, they thought they'd never walk again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67y8kd/a_black_guy_a_rabbi_and_a_lesbian_walk_into_a_bar/
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I'd tell a chemistry joke, but...

I'm afraid I wouldn't get a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67y6yr/id_tell_a_chemistry_joke_but/
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Jimmy Bob and the Gorilla

A small zoo in Tennessee obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo's veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, the zoo had no male gorillas available. Thinking about their problem, the zookeeper thought of Jimmy Bob Walton, a rural part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Jimmy Bob had little sense but he possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The zookeeper thought they might have a solution, and they approached Jimmy Bob with a proposition; Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500? Jimmy Bob showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
"First," Jimmy Bob said, "I ain't a-kissin' her on the mouth." The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," he said, "You can't never tell nobody about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third," Jimmy Bob said, "I want all the young 'uns raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last", Jimmy Bob said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67y5mk/jimmy_bob_and_the_gorilla/
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A dog walks into a telegram office and walks up to the counter.

The guy at the counter says: “What would you like to write on your telegram today dog?”
The dog goes: “woof, woof, woof woof woof woof, woof woof, woof.”
The guy writes it down and says: “Listen, dog, we have a special on telegrams today. For ten words we’ve got a special deal but you’ve only got nine words, we can add an extra woof for free if you’d like.”
Then the dog says: “Well yeah but then it wouldn't make any sense.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67y07t/a_dog_walks_into_a_telegram_office_and_walks_up/
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Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xzcs/why_did_i_get_divorced/
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A cowboy appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

. "Have you done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest biker with the most tattoos and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled 'Now back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
" A couple of minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xz84/a_cowboy_appears_before_st_peter_at_the_pearly/
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I can totally keep secrets.

It's the people I tell them to that can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xxuz/i_can_totally_keep_secrets/
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xut0/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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Father asks child why they must be quite in Church.

"Because of the people sleeping?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xtzi/father_asks_child_why_they_must_be_quite_in_church/
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Toast of the Night

Dave O'Reilly was in the pub one night. When time came to give toasts, he hoisted his whiskey and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
Dave said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, me dear Davey that is very nice indeed!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Dave's drinking buddies, Francis O'Pope on the street corner.
Francis chuckled leeringly and said,
"Dave won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xt07/toast_of_the_night/
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How to add extra fun during your amusement park ride ?

Carry some extra nuts and bolts with you.
as soon as the ride begins, Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you. Show them the nuts and bolts and ask
"Are these from your seat ? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xs2a/how_to_add_extra_fun_during_your_amusement_park/
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I lost my mood ring a couple days ago

I really don't know how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xrvf/i_lost_my_mood_ring_a_couple_days_ago/
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There was a man in Bulgaria who worked on a train for a living.

He loved his job. Working on a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to walk the aisles, checking passenger's tickets! Unfortunately, one day he slipped and grabbed the emergency brake, causing the train to crash. He made it out alright, but a person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back working on the train. He was so excited that he would walk even faster, checking tickets and not paying enough attention to his balance. Once again, he slipped, pulled the brake and caused the train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xr3a/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_worked_on_a_train/
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A guy walks into a bar and hears someone say "Hey you look really good today"...

He looks around and doesn't see anyone, so he asks the bartender "who said that?"
The bartender says "Its the peanuts, they're complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xqvp/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_hears_someone_say_hey/
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Where did the T-Rex buy his dinner?

At the Dino-Store!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xqel/where_did_the_trex_buy_his_dinner/
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What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in North Korea?

B-52! B-52!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xoqd/whats_the_fastest_way_to_break_up_a_bingo_game_in/
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Three men gathered together and gossiped about their suspicious wives

The first man said: "I think that my wife has fucked a painter because I found paint spots in my bedroom."
The second man said: "I think that my wife is cheating on me with an electrician because I found electrical equipment under my bed."
The last man said: "I think my life fucked a horse because I found a jockey under my bed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xn1l/three_men_gathered_together_and_gossiped_about/
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Three adventurers get stranded in a forest and are captured by a tribe

The tribe leader tells them to obey his orders or be executed. The first and second agree, the third refuses and is killed.
The leader tells both of them to collect 100 fruits and bring them back to their tribe. The first one picks up a branch of grapes and comes back fairly quickly. The tribe leader orders him to put the grapes one by one in his butt hole, without laughing, or he is executed. If he succeeds, he will be freed. He follows the orders but bursts out laughing on the 99th grape and is killed.
Meanwhile in Heaven, the third adventurer asks the first: "But why did you laugh? You were so close!"
He answers: "That's because of the second adventurer coming with watermelons"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xmtn/three_adventurers_get_stranded_in_a_forest_and/
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Don't spell part backwards.

It's a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xm4l/dont_spell_part_backwards/
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A man goes to his doctor and discovers...

...a strange new machine. His doctor tells him that it's a diagnosis machine; it deduces patients' problems by analyzing appropriate samples. After being told to try it, he put a sample into the receptacle. After a few seconds, the screen read "Tennis Elbow, Minor: Apply ice pack for 5 minutes every hour until swelling reduces. Refrain from straining the elbow." Naturally, the man was amazed, since his elbow was feeling rather sore.
After coming home from the doctor, he got the idea to test the limits of the machine. He filled a plastic cup halfway with tap water, then added urine samples from his wife and daughter, stool from his dog, and finally, his own semen. The next day, he took his concoction to the doctor, dumped it in the diagnostic machine and waited. After about 30 seconds the computer screen read:
"Your water is hard; buy a water softener. Your dog has tapeworms; talk to your vet for treatment options. Your daughter is shooting heroin; stage an intervention. Your wife is pregnant with twins; they're not yours; hire a good lawyer. Finally, stop jacking off or your tennis elbow will never heal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xl7q/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor_and_discovers/
%
Why did the addict crash their car?

They just couldn't stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xkv7/why_did_the_addict_crash_their_car/
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A man is driving in his truck

It is winter and the road is coverd in snow. Suddenly the car behind pulls beside him and tells him to stop. A guy gets out and knocks on his window:
"Hello Sir, my name is Henry Brians
I speak only in rhymes,
I have to tell you I'm afraid,
your truck is losing freight."
The man in the truck tells him to fuck of and drives away.
10 Minutes later the guy stops him again, knocks on his window and repeats himself:
"My name is still Henry Brians,
yet again everything rhymes,
I have to tell you I'm afraid,
your truck is still losing freight."
The man in the truck drives away again.
Another 10 minutes later the car pulls up again and the guy in the truck is pissed now. He gets out, grabs the guy and tells him:
"Shut up and listen Henry Brians,
you make me mad with all your rhymes,
By the way my name is Walter,
and my truck is a road salter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xirk/a_man_is_driving_in_his_truck/
%
Jokes about feminine hygiene are not funny

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xhzz/jokes_about_feminine_hygiene_are_not_funny/
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My friends asked me to stop singing Oasis...

... I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xhvn/my_friends_asked_me_to_stop_singing_oasis/
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A Mexican Magician...

...says he will vanish on the count of three. He says,"uno...dos..." -*poof*! He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xf9c/a_mexican_magician/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

She's a solid 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xf2h/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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Why did the hippy drown?

He was too far out, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xds9/why_did_the_hippy_drown/
%
I bought a new mattress and reached for the stupid label to tear it off. But I saw the federal warning, and couldn't decide if I should leave it or get rid of it.

I decided to sleep on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67xayw/i_bought_a_new_mattress_and_reached_for_the/
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A genie and an idiot

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’
MORE: Newborn baby is abandoned in a church nativity scene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67x61g/a_genie_and_an_idiot/
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What do you call a jewish Pokemon?

A Circumscyther.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67x5bs/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon/
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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend...

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's gone in too far.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67x4u7/a_young_man_was_showing_off_his_new_sports_car_to/
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The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67x4ng/the_price_of_oil_has_dropped_so_far_that/
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Asians are so bad at driving...

I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67x3ni/asians_are_so_bad_at_driving/
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So, a Farmer's Daughter walks into a Bar . . .

. . .n.
*ba dum tish*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67x2ur/so_a_farmers_daughter_walks_into_a_bar/
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Today I drove by a prison...

and saw a midget prisoner climbing down the wall.
As he jumped down, he sneered at me and I thought, well, that's a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67x1iu/today_i_drove_by_a_prison/
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What's the difference between kneading and needing?

How much dough you have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67wzfc/whats_the_difference_between_kneading_and_needing/
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Trump administration is good

because its been more than 100 days and he still hasn't tweeted the nuclear launch codes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67wwo9/trump_administration_is_good/
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Things that make me feel uncomfortable

1. Incomplete Lists
2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67wwhe/things_that_make_me_feel_uncomfortable/
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I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67wwh3/i_just_yelled_cow_to_a_girl_in_a_bike_she_then/
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First day at school

It's the first day of a new school year, and the class have been told there's a new kid who will be joining them.
A kid walks in late, and the teacher asks him "Why are you late?"
"I was throwing Rocks in the river, Sir", he replies.
The teacher grumbles, and registers him. The new kid hasn't arrived either, and the teacher is wondering where he is.
Another kid walks in, late. The teacher asks him where he went.
"I was throwing Rocks in the river, Sir", he replied again.
The teacher grumbled again. "Just hurry up and sit down", he said, registering him.
After 10 minutes, the new kid walks in. He's filthy, and he's trying to hold back tears.
"Throwing rocks in the river, I suppose?", asks the teacher.
"Sir... I'm Rocks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67wktf/first_day_at_school/
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So Robert Frost and his wife are lost in the woods

Robert Frost remarks to his wife "We've got miles to go before we sleep"
And his wife replies "Well maybe if we hadn't taken the road less traveled by we'd be there already"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67wks8/so_robert_frost_and_his_wife_are_lost_in_the_woods/
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Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Jägermeister

.
The bartender looks at him and says "Wow 6 shots of Jäger! You must be celebrating something."
The man replies,"You bet I am! I am celebrating my first blow job."
"Hey congrats man!" says the Bartender "I'll get you a 7th shot on the house"
The man replies "No thank you. If 6 shots of Jäger doesn't get rid of this taste nothing will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67wkjd/man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_6_shots_of/
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A Man Coming Home from the Bar

James gets up from his barstool after a long night drinking alone and falls right to the floor.
He crawls to the door, pulls himself up to open it, and falls through the door as it swings open.
James continues this process as he crawls home pulling himself by his hands; falling to the floor with every pull.
As he rounds the corner to his apartment, James pulls himself up to the door knob, inserts the key and twist it and the door open. As much expected, James collapses to the floor, unable to support himself in this drunken state.
James finally makes it up the stairs to the room where his wife is soundly sleeping. He wrestles with himself while removing his clothes, attempting to be as quiet as possible.
James decides that he cannot make it into the shower to clean himself off, and he pulls himself up into bed.
Unsuccessfully, James awoke his wife on his way into bed. She stared at him angrily and said, "You were out at the bar again, weren't you?"
"No," said James, trying to sound inconspicuous. "I was out at the movies with a some buddies."
"Don't lie to me." Said his wife. "The bar called and they said you left your wheelchair there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67we6o/a_man_coming_home_from_the_bar/
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A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.

He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.
“What’s the matter?” She asks
“I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos
“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car, “this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s priceless and in pristine condition” “I’ll… I’ll let you have it if you just give me a quick flash of those lovely breasts.”
Interested in the prospect of inheriting the old mans car and feeling a bit sorry for the old geezer, she agrees and proceeds to undress for him.
Looking visibly happier, he pulls out another photo, “this is my house in Devon. It’s an 8 bedroom mansion with a swimming pool and 25 acres of land.” “You can have it, only, I’d love to see those breasts bouncing up and down in front of me.”
She thinks about this for a few seconds, then agrees and proceeds to jump up and down topless in front of the old man.
Now vibrant, the old man grabs another photo and says “here, look, this is my yacht off of the coast of Gibraltar.” “It’s yours, if you could just let me play with those spiffing breasts of yours for a couple of minutes.”
Deciding it’s worth it, she leans forward and let’s the old man have a good fumble of her jubblies.
Wide eyed and with a cheeky grin on his face, the old man says, “thank you so much my dear.” He stands up and hands her the three photographs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67wcev/a_young_lady_is_working_at_an_old_peoples_home/
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I am going out for couple of hours. Do you want anything?

Wife : I am going out for couple of hours.. do you want anything?
Husband : That's all I want..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67w8wa/i_am_going_out_for_couple_of_hours_do_you_want/
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Police were on the lookout for serial killer John Wayne Gacy

They stepped into a corner store for some coffee and saw a guy in back where the milk cartons are.
Cop 1: "Hey, that looks like our suspect!"
Cop 2: "What's he doing?"
Cop 1: "Talking to himself.  Let's get closer."
So they go up right behind him and listen.
Gacy:"Need him.  Got him.  Got him.  Got him.  Need him.  Got him...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67w7k4/police_were_on_the_lookout_for_serial_killer_john/
%
My friend had a German plumber hook up his new shower....

I guess old habits die hard because he hooked up the gas line instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67w6yk/my_friend_had_a_german_plumber_hook_up_his_new/
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A Priest, rapist and murderer walk into a bar.

And he orders a drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67w6ug/a_priest_rapist_and_murderer_walk_into_a_bar/
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What one food kills a woman's sex drive?

Wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67w4ux/what_one_food_kills_a_womans_sex_drive/
%
Train tickets

Three lawyers are buying tickets for a train to Chicago. Ahead of them in line, three engineers purchase a single ticket.
One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to travel with just a ticket between the three of you?"
"Watch and you'll see," winks one of the engineers.
The train arrives, and the six of them climb on. The three lawyers take their seats while the three engineers pile into a bathroom. The train gets underway.
A conductor starts making his rounds. Noticing the bathroom is occupied, he knocks on the door and asks, "Ticket, please."
The door cracks open a hair, and a single ticket is offered. The conductor punches it, and continues on.
The three lawyers admit that this is a good trick, and that they should try it on their next journey. As luck would have it, after spending a few days in Chicago, they see that the three engineers will be on board their train. The lawyers purchase a single ticket for the three of them, while the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to ride, if you don't have a ticket?"
"Watch and you'll see," came the reply.
The lawyers get on the train, and scramble into a bathroom. The engineers cram themselves into an adjacent bathroom. The train leaves, and picks up speed. One of the engineers gets out of the bathroom, walks over to the lawyers' bathroom, and knocks.
"Ticket, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67w25l/train_tickets/
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What kind of magic does a vegan wizard use?

Soycery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67w22c/what_kind_of_magic_does_a_vegan_wizard_use/
%
A photon checks into a hotel...

... and is asked "Do you have any luggage?".
The photon replies, "No, I'm travelling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67w1rg/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
%
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

Both crews were marooned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vxvx/did_you_hear_about_the_red_ship_and_the_blue_ship/
%
If you go on a plane, always bring a bomb...

The chances of two people having a bomb on the same plane is slim to none

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vxj6/if_you_go_on_a_plane_always_bring_a_bomb/
%
A wife rushes home, excited that she just won the lottery

Wife: Quick! Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!
Husband: Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?
Wife: Who cares? Just pack and get lost!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vwlw/a_wife_rushes_home_excited_that_she_just_won_the/
%
I had to sell my Honda

Guess I am out of my element now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vwa0/i_had_to_sell_my_honda/
%
What do you get when a short psychic escapes prison?

A small medium at large!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vvlu/what_do_you_get_when_a_short_psychic_escapes/
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Lecture

An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vvho/lecture/
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My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vv4z/my_dad_and_i_play_hide_and_seek_a_lot_to_beat/
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I once dumped a cross eyed girl...

...thought she was seeing someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vv1f/i_once_dumped_a_cross_eyed_girl/
%
What's the difference between hardware and software?

About two or three inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vqom/whats_the_difference_between_hardware_and_software/
%
I hate sidescrolling games on pc where you can only run to the right side

It's d-pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vqo8/i_hate_sidescrolling_games_on_pc_where_you_can/
%
What is a pickle's favorite game show?

Dill or No Dill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vlj1/what_is_a_pickles_favorite_game_show/
%
Why isn't there a lot of advertising aimed at philosophers?

It's a Nietzsche market

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vjce/why_isnt_there_a_lot_of_advertising_aimed_at/
%
Do not touch...

Must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vgg9/do_not_touch/
%
Bacon related humor...

I'm way too proud of this:
I like my women like I like my bacon,
Salty and bad for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vftr/bacon_related_humor/
%
I read The Bible and then went to church...

The book was better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vfjx/i_read_the_bible_and_then_went_to_church/
%
Did you hear about the arrogant gay guy who swallowed his own jizz?

He was really full of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vf9o/did_you_hear_about_the_arrogant_gay_guy_who/
%
There is a man with no arms or legs lying on a beach

.
He is approached by three attractive girls.
The first one walks up to him and says:
"Have you ever been hugged?"
"No" the man replies, so the girl gives him a hug.
The second girl asks the man "have you ever been kissed?"
"No" the man replies, so she gives him a kiss.
The third then asks him if he has ever been fucked.
"No" the man replies
"Well you will be when that tide comes up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67veoo/there_is_a_man_with_no_arms_or_legs_lying_on_a/
%
One night a guy was walking alone down the street.

When suddenly he feels someone touching him on his back. so he looks back but doesn't see anyone, so he continues walking and yet again he feels the same feeling so he looks back and doesn't see anyone, but he looks a little below and sees a very short alien!
The guy surprised says : wow! are you an alien ?
The alien responds : yes I just arrived at earth nice to meet you.
guy : nice to meet you too! I've always wanted to meet an alien and I have many questions, like how do you see ?
alien : with our antennas
guy : and how do you smell or hear ?
alien : with our developed ears, we hear and smell with them at the same time
guy : and how do you reproduce ?
alien : we impregnate other species by touching them twice on the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vdo3/one_night_a_guy_was_walking_alone_down_the_street/
%
Not only is my new thesaurus terrible

It's also terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vdjo/not_only_is_my_new_thesaurus_terrible/
%
A man walks up to a tailor-

-and asks for a suit made of Plastic wrap
The tailor says it cant be done and tells him to get out of his store.
Next day: Same man walks up to the tailor and asks for a suit made of Plastic wrap
The tailor calls him crazy and kicks him out again.
Third day: the same man walks into the tailors store AGAIN this time with a suit on made of Plastic wrap- He walks up to the tailor and shows off his new suit...
...
The tailor says "I thought you were crazy, but now I can clearly see your nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vdel/a_man_walks_up_to_a_tailor/
%
A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67vc0y/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If a chocolatier and a pastry chef have a child together, will they also make delicious food?

Not Nestle Sara Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67v7f0/if_a_chocolatier_and_a_pastry_chef_have_a_child/
%
Have you heard about German GPS?

It stops at Stalingrad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67v78z/have_you_heard_about_german_gps/
%
What do you call a sitcom that takes place in a war zone?

Minefeld
*Plays Seinfeld theme with gunshots*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67v61q/what_do_you_call_a_sitcom_that_takes_place_in_a/
%
A treehouse is cruel...

It's like killing someone and then making their friends hold the dead body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67v4f6/a_treehouse_is_cruel/
%
What's the similarity between a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery man?

They can smell it but can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67v3cy/whats_the_similarity_between_a_gynaecologist_and/
%
A girl walks into a shop...

A girl walks into a shop and goes up to the counter.
"Excuse me, do you have custom printed underwear?"
"Yes, we do, what would like to have printed on it?"
"I want it to say: If you can read this, you're too close."
"Very well, what sort of typography do you want?"
"Braille."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67v18r/a_girl_walks_into_a_shop/
%
What did the teenage boy do with his first issue of playboy?

Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67v0tu/what_did_the_teenage_boy_do_with_his_first_issue/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67v0bp/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
My new girlfriend works at the zoo…

I think she's a keeper…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67uw9k/my_new_girlfriend_works_at_the_zoo/
%
A woman has twins...

and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67uua2/a_woman_has_twins/
%
What do you want to be when you grow up?

A teacher is asking her students, what they want to be when they grow up.
Teacher: "How about you, Johnny... what do you want to be when you grow up"?
Johnny: "I wanna be the CEO of a multi-billion tech company... just like my father".
Teacher: "Woww.. that's wonderful. I didn't know your father was the CEO of a tech company".
Johnny: "He's not. But he also wants to be one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67usxv/what_do_you_want_to_be_when_you_grow_up/
%
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying…..

"I must have taken Leif off my census."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67use5/a_famous_viking_explorer_returned_home_from_a/
%
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67us6s/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_stole_a_calendar/
%
West Virginia Zoo just got a new gorilla!

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper obviously agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67uqxo/west_virginia_zoo_just_got_a_new_gorilla/
%
"Farting"

What a Jamaican says when they spot something off in the distance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67um8k/farting/
%
A pickle, a cucumber and a penis were talking about life.

The cucumber said "When I get big and hard they toss me in a salad". The pickle said "When I get big and hard they chop me up and drown me in vinegar". The penis answered "That's nothing compared to what they do to me! When I get hard they put a plastic bag over me, push me in a damp dark cave and slam me into a wall until I throw up and pass out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67uke9/a_pickle_a_cucumber_and_a_penis_were_talking/
%
I love summer in the UK.

My favourite day of the year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ukcd/i_love_summer_in_the_uk/
%
The age gap in my relationship is somewhat questionable.

According to the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ui2a/the_age_gap_in_my_relationship_is_somewhat/
%
"I saved a girl from getting raped yesterday." "Wow! That's great. How?"

"Pure self-control."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67uf3u/i_saved_a_girl_from_getting_raped_yesterday_wow/
%
Do you know what Sin City is?

Person 1: Do you know what Sin City is?
Person 2: Las Vegas
Person 1: Do you know what the Windy City is?
Person 2: Chicago
Person 1: Do you know what Den City is?
Person 2: ...
Person 1: Mass over volume

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ue3z/do_you_know_what_sin_city_is/
%
I've had amnesia...

for as long as I can't remember

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ubs3/ive_had_amnesia/
%
What's the difference between squirrels and alcoholism?

Squirrels aren't tearing my family apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67u50r/whats_the_difference_between_squirrels_and/
%
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

We don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67u42w/what_did_the_kid_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
%
Dyslexic bank robber

Walks into bank, "air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67u1rr/dyslexic_bank_robber/
%
A guy walks in a bar...

So johns had a rough day at work and decides he's gonna go out for a few drinks. He walks into the bar and their are 4 of the most stunning women he has ever seen surrounding some schmuck, he didn't know how this guy had these beautiful women pawing all over him, he looked him up and down, average build, decent clothes, but it didn't look like he came from money. He just had to find out what his secret was.
About an hour goes by and he looks over and the group of women appeared to be leaving, he's pretty well drunk at this point and he see's what may be his last chance to  ask the guy what his secret is. He follows the gent in to the rest room and without hesitation says how do you have 4 beautiful girls and I can't even find a decent one for the life of me.
The man turns his head from the urinal and smiles. He says I have a 12 inch cock that all of them can enjoy, here's  the secret I was once just like you an average guy in all aspects until I met this magical leprechaun. He turns around and shows him and sure enough his cock hung halfway to his knee soft.
John was in shock and said he wished he had a cock like that. The man told him  theirs a way you can have a dick just like mine but your not gonna like it. John said I don't care what I have to do I would do anything for my dick to be that big. He said bend over the toilet in that stall over there and pull your pants down. John looked at him in disbelief, theirs no way I'm letting you fuck me in my ass with that big dick of yours. Hell no! The guys shrugs his shoulders and says your loss. This is a one time opportunity. John thought as long as hard as he could for the next 5 second and just went for it.
He bent over and grabbed ahold of the toilet seat for dear life, the man fucked him as hard as he could until he finally came. John looked up at him and couldn't help but smile and say I can't believe how big your dick is. The stranger replied I can't believe you believe in leprechauns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67u0o4/a_guy_walks_in_a_bar/
%
There is only one person that can beat Captain America

Captain Vietnam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67tyxm/there_is_only_one_person_that_can_beat_captain/
%
The scotish hill traveler and the bartender

A traveler, while hiking the scottish hills, stumbles upon a bar and walks in. He sits down and orders a drink, the bartender starts:"You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands, chopped every tree, nailed every nail, gave it more love and care than my own son! But do they call me Gregor the bar builder? No!" *points out the window* "You see that wall? I built that wall with my bare hands, found every stone, placed them all so and so, through the rain and the thunder, but do they call me Gregor the wall builder? No!" *points out the other window* "You see that pier? I built that pier with my bare hands, carried every pillon into the water, drove them in the sand and the dirt, against the waves and the tide, but do they call me Gregor the peer builder? No!" He continues :"But you fuck one goat..."
Not my joke, heard it on a ted talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67tyh4/the_scotish_hill_traveler_and_the_bartender/
%
The funny thing about teen pregnancy is they all say, "Don't do it! You will lose all your freedom! Make the responsible choice." But after it happens they say "We're disappointed but we can make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

Whoops, I accidentally autocorrected "Trumps' Presidency" to "teen pregnancy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67tv88/the_funny_thing_about_teen_pregnancy_is_they_all/
%
Did you know Hellen Keller had a swing set?

*No*
Neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67tsb3/did_you_know_hellen_keller_had_a_swing_set/
%
You know how to make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of dead baby and a coke....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67tpsw/you_know_how_to_make_a_dead_baby_float/
%
Telling a dark joke is like saying "I love you"

Some people haven't heard it before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67tn7s/telling_a_dark_joke_is_like_saying_i_love_you/
%
What do you call a hurricane that hits Puerto Rico?

A PR disaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67tig0/what_do_you_call_a_hurricane_that_hits_puerto_rico/
%
Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?

DEC 25 == OCT 31

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67thcc/why_do_programmers_always_mix_up_christmas_and/
%
What's the biggest difference between Google and Pornhub?

I'm willing to go to the 2nd page of search results on Pornhub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67tdnu/whats_the_biggest_difference_between_google_and/
%
I met a girl with 12 nipples.

Sounds funny. Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67tdh0/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
%
You have been charged guilty for clickbait, and will now have to use the electric chair

What happens next will shock you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67tc89/you_have_been_charged_guilty_for_clickbait_and/
%
I called an old classmate and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on a project involving "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment".
I was impressed...
Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67tacn/i_called_an_old_classmate_and_asked_what_he_was/
%
Now let's get something straight here...

go get me a ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67t9jf/now_lets_get_something_straight_here/
%
A massive rabbit aboard a United Airlines flight turns to the passenger sitting next to him and says

"Ehhh, what's up Doc?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67t2vh/a_massive_rabbit_aboard_a_united_airlines_flight/
%
What do you call the house of someone who burns cats?

Meowschwitz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67sy83/what_do_you_call_the_house_of_someone_who_burns/
%
How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

Twelve. 1 to change the lightbulb, and 11 to say "Aw, he's so brave".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67swer/how_many_cancer_patients_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Thanks student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I can ever pay you back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67spb5/thanks_student_loans_for_getting_me_through/
%
An opinion without 3.14...

is just an onion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67solk/an_opinion_without_314/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korea's missiles don't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67smql/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Apparently there is bipartisan approval for a bill to legalize marijuana for arthritis treatment.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67sm0e/apparently_there_is_bipartisan_approval_for_a/
%
The worst day of my life is when I found my moms porn

In the back of that video store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67slz1/the_worst_day_of_my_life_is_when_i_found_my_moms/
%
A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks.  He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks.  Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over.  The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies.  The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?"  The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67sl5o/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67sk9k/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
%
What do you call a stripper who fell down?

A Hoedown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67sgue/what_do_you_call_a_stripper_who_fell_down/
%
Why did the lighter smoke weed?

He wanted to become a high-lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67sfm6/why_did_the_lighter_smoke_weed/
%
Did you know if you rearrange the letters in "THE POST OFFICE"

Nobody gets their mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67se0w/did_you_know_if_you_rearrange_the_letters_in_the/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have $1.77

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67sbob/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer...

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67sar2/i_was_standing_in_the_park_wondering_why_frisbees/
%
What makes it impossible for cats to live on Mars?

Curiosity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67s8wa/what_makes_it_impossible_for_cats_to_live_on_mars/
%
Why did Jesus cross the road?

He saw a crosswalk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67s87i/why_did_jesus_cross_the_road/
%
Just got back from my pedicure

And I no longer find the neighbour's 10-year-old daughter attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67s7mc/just_got_back_from_my_pedicure/
%
What's worse than seeing your grandfather f**ing? [NSFW]

Feeling it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67s3cp/whats_worse_than_seeing_your_grandfather_fing_nsfw/
%
A snake walks into a bar...

The barman looked up and said, "How did you do that?!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67s32n/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why was the astronaut's orgasm silent?

Because in space, no one can hear you cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67s29c/why_was_the_astronauts_orgasm_silent/
%
The entire US Senate visited the White House today.

I wonder how many short buses that took.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67s05i/the_entire_us_senate_visited_the_white_house_today/
%
My doctor asked me if any of my family members suffered from mental illnesses

I said no, they all seem to enjoy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rz4h/my_doctor_asked_me_if_any_of_my_family_members/
%
What did the Maxipad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rxgv/what_did_the_maxipad_say_to_the_fart/
%
What's the difference between United Airlines and a magician's hat?

You can't pull a live rabbit out of a United jet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rx6x/whats_the_difference_between_united_airlines_and/
%
Doctor: "I have some bad news. You going to have to stop masturbating."

Man: "That's terrible, doc, why?!"
Doctor: "I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rwl2/doctor_i_have_some_bad_news_you_going_to_have_to/
%
Whats the difference between a vitamin and a hormone

I don't know how to make a vitamin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rreg/whats_the_difference_between_a_vitamin_and_a/
%
John McCain and Donald Trump should run together as President/Vice President

Then we would finally get a political McDonalds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rrd7/john_mccain_and_donald_trump_should_run_together/
%
I Was Sitting On A Train Next To A Hot Thai Girl.

I Thought To Myself "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection."
But.....she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rqw0/i_was_sitting_on_a_train_next_to_a_hot_thai_girl/
%
An owl was investigated as a suspect in the serial murders of eight random individuals in under a year

But the case went cold after repeatedly insisting it didn't know the victims' names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rp2k/an_owl_was_investigated_as_a_suspect_in_the/
%
Being gay is like being left-handed

Some people are, most people aren't, but either way they're all going to hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67roz8/being_gay_is_like_being_lefthanded/
%
Jesus was Black

Always talking about his daddy coming back, but no one's ever seen him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rovh/jesus_was_black/
%
The Kardashians are all in a rocket set to launch, you can press a button to stop the launch.

Would you order a cheese or pepperoni pizza?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rlk4/the_kardashians_are_all_in_a_rocket_set_to_launch/
%
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two.

Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rldv/homosexuality_is_found_in_over_450_species/
%
What did the White House staff do when President Trump broke the fax machine?

They replaced it with an alternative fax machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rfjt/what_did_the_white_house_staff_do_when_president/
%
A man walks into a bar...

And asks the bartender "Get me a drink. I'll take anything but Bud Lite."
Bartender asks "What do you have against Bud Lite?"
"Well last time I drank that stuff I killed 21 bottles, went home and blew chunks." He answered
"You must be stupid! Drinking 21 of anything will make you blow chunks." Replied the bartender
"I think you misunderstood." Says the man "Chunks is my dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rfdm/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Little Johnny

Church is letting out on Sunday, and the preacher is standing outside shaking hands and saying goodbye to his parishoners. Little Johnny is hauling ass on his tricycle on the sidewalk, when the front wheel falls off. He goes end-over-end getting all banged up in the process, jumps up and says "goddamn!" The preacher says "Johnny, don't say that. Say God help me, and everything will be better. Johnny grabs his trike and wheel and heads home. He comes back around hauling ass again and the back 2 wheels fall off. He eats it bigtime, jumps up and says "goddamn!" Again the preacher tells him "say God help me, and everything will be better." Johnny grabs his trike and wheels and goes home. He comes back, balls to the walls-all 3 wheels fall off. He gets road rash all over, jumps up, clenches his fists, looks skyward and yells "God help me!" All 3 wheels pop back on the trike. The preacher says "GODDAMN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rcdf/little_johnny/
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Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are.  The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three!  Watch this!"
He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village.  2 minutes later, he returns with his face covered in blood.
"What happened?!" the other two Vampires ask.
"You know that village by the woods?" the youngest Vampire explained. "I flew down there, killed and drank the blood of an entire family, and flew back here before they even knew what hit them."
"Very impressive!" shouted the second vampire.  "But you're 1000 years too young to be faster than I!" and he burst threw the same window as the first, headed to the village.  1 minute later, the second vampire returned to the room through the window, his face a mask of blood.
"What happened?" exclaimed the other two vampires.
"That same village you went too?  Many villagers gathered around the house you attacked to see what had happened.  I managed to kill and drink the blood of five whole families and get back here before they even knew what hit them."
"Very impressive...." said the eldest vampire quietly.  "But you are also 1000 years too young to be faster than I.  I AM THE STRONGEST and FASTEST vampire alive!"  and in a flash, the eldest vampire was through the window.  15 seconds later, the eldest returned to the room, his face drenched in blood.
"What happened?!" exclaimed the other two vampires.
"Did you see that tree the villagers planted years ago at the front of their village?"
"Of course." said the other two vampires.
"Well, I did not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67rbro/three_vampires_are_discussing_who_is_the_most/
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A masked man walks into a sperm bank

And goes up to the receptionist and pulls out a gun. Freaking out, the receptionist tells the robber that it's not that kind of bank and they don't have any money.
"I fucking know that!" the robber yells. "You see those full cups sitting behind you waiting to be processed!?!?" he asks.
"*Yy...yesss*", the nurse stammers.
"I want you to swallow the contents of every one of them **right now** or I will fucking kill you!" as he points the gun to her head.
Fearing for her life, the nurse reluctantly starts pulling the tops off each cup and swallowing the contents, making sure every drop is gone.
The robber, seeing she's accomplished her task rips off his mask to reveal himself as her husband. He looks at her and says "See?!?  That wasn't so bad now was it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67r9t1/a_masked_man_walks_into_a_sperm_bank/
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I heard a joke once

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.
Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci."
-Rorschach's journal 1985

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67r8uh/i_heard_a_joke_once/
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How did the dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67r8hs/how_did_the_dead_baby_cross_the_road/
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My friend's donkey was drowning...

But I saved his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67r7xs/my_friends_donkey_was_drowning/
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What do you call the pack of boars who killed members of Isis?

Squeal Team 6

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67r7g8/what_do_you_call_the_pack_of_boars_who_killed/
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What's the safest place to hide a dead body?

Page 2 of Google search.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67r6g3/whats_the_safest_place_to_hide_a_dead_body/
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Why should you wear really strong underwear when visiting the Ukraine?

If you don't, Chernobyl fallout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67r58i/why_should_you_wear_really_strong_underwear_when/
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A man goes to the pharmacy...

... and he ask the pharmacist about Viagra.
"Is that the new one?" He asked.
"Yes sir it is" The pharmacist said.
"Can I get it over the counter?"
"If you take 2."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67r3g5/a_man_goes_to_the_pharmacy/
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How do you drown a Hipster?

In the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67r0n6/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
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What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qwip/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
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What does Trumps hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qv4x/what_does_trumps_hair_and_a_thong_have_in_common/
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What's the difference between the USA and a bird?

On a bird, the left wing and the right wing work together to benefit the whole bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qsaw/whats_the_difference_between_the_usa_and_a_bird/
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What's the difference between church and mexico?

At church you get touched by god, in Mexico you get touched by jesus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qs0h/whats_the_difference_between_church_and_mexico/
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I went to the shop today to buy a 6 pack of Sprite...

But when i got home i realised that I'd picked 7 Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qqef/i_went_to_the_shop_today_to_buy_a_6_pack_of_sprite/
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My wife told me that by the time she was back from the store, the dishes sould be clean

Then i told her that i  would be amazed if she actually managed to make that happend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qnrx/my_wife_told_me_that_by_the_time_she_was_back/
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My friends often tell me I was conceived on the highway

because that is where the most accidents happen....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qkji/my_friends_often_tell_me_i_was_conceived_on_the/
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If light travels faster than sound then why can I hear my mom bitching at me before I see what I've done wrong?

And how many calories does she burn jumping to conclusions?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qieo/if_light_travels_faster_than_sound_then_why_can_i/
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My family went to the beach with Michael Jackson...

My wife was laying out, working on her tan.
She turned and looked at Michael and she stated
"Excuse me Michael... You're in my son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qi2o/my_family_went_to_the_beach_with_michael_jackson/
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I was called the worst best man once

I was speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qhxu/i_was_called_the_worst_best_man_once/
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Truth Bot

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So, he decides to try it out at dinner.
DAD: Son, where you in school today?
SON: Yes - *robot slaps son*
SON: Ok, I stayed home and watched movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story - *robot slaps son again*
SON: Ok, it was Porn.
DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was.  -*Robot slaps dad*
MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, - *Robot slaps mom*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qh22/truth_bot/
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Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.

I didn't understand what they were saying but it was really nice of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qdgz/some_nice_chinese_couple_gave_me_a_very_good/
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Condom

Many years ago
Just before leaving to meet my first real girlfriend,
My Dad pulled me into his bedroom,
He opened his bedside drawer and handed me a condom.
With a wink he said, 'Take care, Son, I'm proud of you'
To this day I'm not sure what was worse:
My Dad's knowledge and pride in what I was about to do,
or
Having used a condom that was intended for my Mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qcwu/condom/
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A virgin couple goes on their honeymoon...

A virgin couple goes on their honeymoon. They arrive at their hotel are both overwhelmed with nerves because they had never seen each other nude before. Before the wife gets into her lingerie she tells her husband, “Sorry, but I haven’t been honest with you. My breasts really aren’t this big.” She proceeds to reach into her bra and begins to pull out tissue paper. Her cup size drops from a C to an A cup. Her husband looks at her and says. “Its okay sweetie. I still love you and I still think you’re beautiful.”
The wife begins to tear up because she is so grateful and proceeds into the bathroom to change into something sexier. She comes out 10 minutes later in the sexiest lingerie her husband had ever seen. He looks at her in the eyes and says, “I am sorry honey, but I haven’t been honest with you either.” She looks at him in the face and says, “It is okay. You accepted me for who I am, the least I can do is the same for you.” He goes on to say, “Well sweetie, the thing is that I am hung like a baby.”
She looks at him in the face and tells him that it’s okay and that no matter his size, she can handle it. He proceeds to take his clothes off and as his pants drop she screams and passes out. He wakes her up gently, she looks up again, screams and faints. He again wakes her up and exclaims, “I told you I was hung like a baby. 18 inches, 7 lbs 6 ounces.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qceo/a_virgin_couple_goes_on_their_honeymoon/
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Nelson Mandela gets a delivery.

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?
The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67qamn/nelson_mandela_gets_a_delivery/
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You wanna know why I got kicked out of the library?

I moved all of the women's rights books to the fiction section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67q58r/you_wanna_know_why_i_got_kicked_out_of_the_library/
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When you have sex with a schizophrenic

It's always a 3-way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67q4jl/when_you_have_sex_with_a_schizophrenic/
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A soldier in World War 2 had just finished serving on the front lines...

On a crowded train ride back from Germany the man is trying to find a seat but alas there is none. Finally he comes along the only open spot on a train with a womans small dog sitting in it.
"Excuse me mam I'm very tired may I sit in that spot?" The man pleads.
"Ugh you Americans are sooo rude NO you may not." replied the german woman.
Annoyed the man kept walking up and down the crowded train. But Fido's spot is the only one available. So again the man pleaded. "Please mam I'm very tired could I please sit in that spot?"
So the woman replied " NO You americans are so rude and dumb, you can't do anything right." The man proceded to pick up the dog and throw it out the window of the train. Alarmed the woman said "What are you doing?!?! Will anyone defend me?"
An English man sitting across the train spoke up "You Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing things wrong, you eat with your fork in the wrong hand, drive your cars on the wrong side of the road, and now you threw out the wrong bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67q1dj/a_soldier_in_world_war_2_had_just_finished/
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Gay jokes are not funny

Cum on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67pxdv/gay_jokes_are_not_funny/
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How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating?

Cause she found another woman's lipstick................on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67pw32/how_did_rihanna_find_out_chris_brown_was_cheating/
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This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear.

I'm just fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67pusc/this_pregnancy_test_i_just_took_confirmed_my/
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Best place to hide a body?

The second page of google search results

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67pu4p/best_place_to_hide_a_body/
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Any salad can be a Caesar salad

As long as you stab it enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67pq0e/any_salad_can_be_a_caesar_salad/
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My dad is the best in hide and seek.

Where are you dad? It has been 20 years since you left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ppzp/my_dad_is_the_best_in_hide_and_seek/
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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm

Says, "This is the pig I've been fucking"
His wife says, "That's a duck"
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67pnmr/a_man_walks_into_his_house_with_a_duck_under_his/
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I was tired of watching the moon rotate for 24 hours

So I decided to call it a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67pn19/i_was_tired_of_watching_the_moon_rotate_for_24/
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Who is the saltiest rapper?

NaCl-more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67pn0r/who_is_the_saltiest_rapper/
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Life on the Farm. . . .

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores"? Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " he asks.
"Well," his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67plht/life_on_the_farm/
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Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67pld4/why_is_a_white_house_press_statement_like/
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The 3 strings and the bartender.

3 strings walk into a bar. First one orders a drink. Bartender says we don’t serve your kind in here. So the second string ties itself into a bow and proceeds to order a drink. Nope, says the bartender, you’re a string. Third string ties itself into a knot and frays each end. Orders a drink. Bartender eyes the string up and down and says, aren’t you a string? And the string says, frayed knot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67pkty/the_3_strings_and_the_bartender/
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Accidentally used my wife's electric toothbrush...

I don't remember her eating fish for lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67pjx5/accidentally_used_my_wifes_electric_toothbrush/
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NSFW Pierre the French Fighter Pilot NSFW

It is springtime in Paris and Pierre the French fighter pilot is back from the war and having a picnic lunch with his lover Millie.  He is wooing her with stories of his bravery in the war and she exclaims, "Oh Pierre! Kiss me!
&nbsp;
So he pours the bottle of red wine on her lips and kisses her like she's never been kissed before.  When they come up for air she says to him, "Oh Pierre!  That was wonderful, but why the red wine?"
&nbsp;
To which he replies *best read in a thick French accent*, "Ho ho, I am Pierre the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I have red wine!"
&nbsp;
Millie is enamored and says, " Oh Pierre, that was wonderful!  More!"  So he rips open her blouse, pours white wine over her and ravages her breasts.  She gasps for air and says to him, "Oh Pierre! That was wonderful, but why the white wine?"
&nbsp;
To which her replies, "Ho ho, I am Pierre the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I have white wine!"
&nbsp;
Millie is once again enamored and exclaims, " Oh Pierre, that was wonderful!  More!"  So Pierre rips off her skirt, pours a bottle of Cognac on her nether regions and lights them on fire.  Millie screams in pain and starts yelling at Pierre, "Pierre!!!! What the fuck are you doing?!?!?"
&nbsp;
To which Pierre replies, "Ho ho, I am Pierre the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67pfs6/nsfw_pierre_the_french_fighter_pilot_nsfw/
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My daughter thinks it's odd

Because she can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67pdgz/my_daughter_thinks_its_odd/
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How does a rabbi make coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67pbm1/how_does_a_rabbi_make_coffee/
%
Stephen Hawking is actually the real Slim Slady

He just can't stand up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67p9mz/stephen_hawking_is_actually_the_real_slim_slady/
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I saw a talking muslim doll in the toy store

I asked the shop owner what it was supposed to say.
"Dunno" he said. "Nobody dared to pull the cord so far."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67p9g2/i_saw_a_talking_muslim_doll_in_the_toy_store/
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Whats the french version of Brexit?

adiEU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67p76u/whats_the_french_version_of_brexit/
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What's the difference?

What's the difference between a joke, and 3 dicks?
Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67p65n/whats_the_difference/
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Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67p638/malaysian_airlines_and_united_should_merge/
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The monk and the mysterious sound.

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67p3k1/the_monk_and_the_mysterious_sound/
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My buddy is in prison and told me about his first night in....

He was assigned a roommate, a big dude whose name was sure enough, Bubba.
"Ok new fish, you know how it goes" Bubba said. "First night in, it's going to happen... But I'll give you a choice. Do you want to be the husband or the wife?"
My friend hesitated, contemplating the unpleasant sexual experience he'd soon have to endure. Thinking that he'd rather not be on the receiving end, he said, "I guess I'll be the husband."
"Ok then." Bubba replied, "Come here and suck your wife's dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67oz9x/my_buddy_is_in_prison_and_told_me_about_his_first/
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[NSFW] What do you call a Ethiopian with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese 🧀

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ovas/nsfw_what_do_you_call_a_ethiopian_with_a_yeast/
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The Legend of the Three Kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.
The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped away from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67orqf/the_legend_of_the_three_kingdoms/
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I asked my dad why he doesn't make any dad jokes

He told me he leaves those to my uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67oqj3/i_asked_my_dad_why_he_doesnt_make_any_dad_jokes/
%
Why can't Gingers play jazz?

Because they have no soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67olup/why_cant_gingers_play_jazz/
%
An 80 year old man goes fishing

While out on his boat he hears someone say "hey!".
He looks around theres nothing. He hears it again "hey down here!".
He looks off to the side of the boat and theres a frog "hey pick me up!".
Amazed, he picks the frog up and says "wow a talking frog!". And throws it in his pocket.
The frog says "wait!"
He takes the frog out
"if you kiss me i will turn into the most beautiful women you've ever seen!"
He takes the frog and shoves it right back in his pocket.
The frog says "wait why didn't you kiss me?".
The man say "I'm 80 years old I'd rather have a fuckin talking frog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ojta/an_80_year_old_man_goes_fishing/
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I went to the liquor store on my bike the other day to get some vodka

But I was afraid that I would fall of my bike on my way home and break the bottle, so I drank the entire bottle before I went home. Which ended up being a good thing since I fell of my bike 7 times on my way home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67oj6v/i_went_to_the_liquor_store_on_my_bike_the_other/
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The FBI assassin joke, with the added joke from the comments!

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her and make it look like it was not an assassination!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow and zipping up his pants. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle the bitch to death, I then had sex with her body to make it look like it was a rape, I bet we can blame it on that Mexican nacho vendor outside. " he laughed.
The two agents looked at each other in absolute horror.
"Oh my G..! Sir! You are way way to sadistic, violent and racist...even for us. Just leave now!"
The man left the building in absolute anger, knocking out the girl at the reception when she tried to say goodbye to him.
Just as he was leaving the building a guy in a suit and pitch black sunglasses approached.
"I heard about your little stunt in there. I think I might have the job for you...have you ever heard of United Airlines?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ogqr/the_fbi_assassin_joke_with_the_added_joke_from/
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Please don't throw cigarette butts in urinals.

It makes them soggy and hard to light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67og6l/please_dont_throw_cigarette_butts_in_urinals/
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What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67odeh/what_has_two_legs_and_bleeds_profusely/
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United Airline jokes aren't dead

They're just overbooked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67od8g/united_airline_jokes_arent_dead/
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What do you call a Buddhist monk who meditates in the snow?

Fro-zen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67o91z/what_do_you_call_a_buddhist_monk_who_meditates_in/
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What do get if you cross a Kangaroo with an Elephant?

A stern letter from the scientific ethics committee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67o7gz/what_do_get_if_you_cross_a_kangaroo_with_an/
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Playing Dark Souls is kind of like watching porn...

Theres no story we just want to beat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67o64t/playing_dark_souls_is_kind_of_like_watching_porn/
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My Father taught me everything I know about sex.

Thankfully, he was a gentle man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67o5ay/my_father_taught_me_everything_i_know_about_sex/
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What did the horse say when it fell over?

Help I've fallen and I can't giddyup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67o2es/what_did_the_horse_say_when_it_fell_over/
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There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry man, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?"
He says, "Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
He says, " You mean they gave me a Chihuahua ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67o1ii/theres_a_guy_with_a_doberman_pincher_and_a_guy/
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Dr. Watson catches Sherlock having sex with a young girl...

Dr. Watson catches Sherlock having sex with a young girl and says:
Sherlock, what are you doing? This girl looks like she's in middle school.
Sherlock: Elementary, dear Watson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ny6h/dr_watson_catches_sherlock_having_sex_with_a/
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Last night my deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep...

She almost took my eye out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67nv2n/last_night_my_deaf_girlfriend_was_talking_in_her/
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What do you drink at Christmas if you're not sure about Christianity?

Egg-nogstic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67nthv/what_do_you_drink_at_christmas_if_youre_not_sure/
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67nscg/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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April showers bring May flowers

What do Mayflowers bring?
Genocide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67nqwr/april_showers_bring_may_flowers/
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I taught my nephew to skip the first "H" whenever he reads/pronounce English words

E.g honest, hour, honour. Later that day i told him to *heat* my food in the microwave. I almost killed that bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67nq3s/i_taught_my_nephew_to_skip_the_first_h_whenever/
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Grammar Lesson

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer:
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!
He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67np1v/grammar_lesson/
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A son asks his dad

Son: Is it true that a father will always be more knowledgeable than his son?
Dad: Of course!
Son: Who invented the light bulb?
Dad: Thomas Edison.
Son: If the father know so much more, why didn't he invented the light bulb instead?
Dad: Son, when it was lights out and dark, he was busy inventing Edison!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67nmj1/a_son_asks_his_dad/
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Why is Pinocchio the most requested at the Disney brothel?

Because he lets girls sit on his face while he tells them lies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67nj1k/why_is_pinocchio_the_most_requested_at_the_disney/
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Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's son?

His son, he's a little Bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67nf70/whos_bigger_mr_bigger_or_mr_biggers_son/
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Yo Mama Jokes

Every "Yo Mama" joke has been used a thousand times by a thousand persons.
Just like Yo Mama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67neok/yo_mama_jokes/
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I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist’s waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by…

Most people hate it, but I’m a fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ncvq/i_like_to_stand_in_the_corner_of_my_psychiatrists/
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Who would make the best referee ?

Snow White, because she's the fairest of them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67nbc6/who_would_make_the_best_referee/
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What do you call an obese transgender?

Trans fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67nant/what_do_you_call_an_obese_transgender/
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Why did the hipster die in Pripyat?

He went into reactor 4 before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67n820/why_did_the_hipster_die_in_pripyat/
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Have you heard of the amputee protest that turned into a riot?

It was out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67n3gz/have_you_heard_of_the_amputee_protest_that_turned/
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There was once a man named Odd.

People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67n1nz/there_was_once_a_man_named_odd/
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Marriage in heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting.
While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if their marriage didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted,
"It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67mwtf/marriage_in_heaven/
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The FBI had an opening for an assasin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle the bitch to death'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67mtv0/the_fbi_had_an_opening_for_an_assasin/
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Dark humour is like food

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67mr92/dark_humour_is_like_food/
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What's a whale's worst nightmare?

Being compared to Amy Schumer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67mq3h/whats_a_whales_worst_nightmare/
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What's the key to becoming a good conductor ?

Train

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67mnzg/whats_the_key_to_becoming_a_good_conductor/
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Who are the best comedians?

Feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67mn8f/who_are_the_best_comedians/
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What's the time difference..?

A blonde called a telephone operator.
Blonde: “Could you tell me the time difference between Singapore and London?”
Operator: “Just a minute…”
Blonde : “Thank you” *puts down the phone*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67mmnw/whats_the_time_difference/
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TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ml7h/til_unvaccinated_children_are_less_likely_to_be/
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I took my girlfriend to see a movie about an old guy flying his house around on balloons.

It was an up-date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67mj7m/i_took_my_girlfriend_to_see_a_movie_about_an_old/
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I’m not Deaf

I shouted to the barmaid, “Two pints of lager please.”
She said, “I’m not deaf.”
I said, “Sorry, I noticed your wedding ring and the black eye. I presumed you had a problem listening.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67mfop/im_not_deaf/
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Why do rednecks orgasm after their partner?

Cause family comes first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67mex4/why_do_rednecks_orgasm_after_their_partner/
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My father taught me the first rule of theatre

"Always leave them wanting more"
A great man. Terrible anaesthetist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67majk/my_father_taught_me_the_first_rule_of_theatre/
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Why don't rednecks like blowjobs while sitting down?

Real men stand up for their family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67m95x/why_dont_rednecks_like_blowjobs_while_sitting_down/
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer once...

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67m81m/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_once/
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I was in a restaurant with my girlfriend when, all of a sudden, I got down on one knee

. “Oh Kevin,” she cried. “I can’t believe this is happening!” “Shut the fuck up,” I said, peering over the table. “My wife’s just walked in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67m3i1/i_was_in_a_restaurant_with_my_girlfriend_when_all/
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Why do I make so many spousal abuse jokes?

Well, she's already got all those punchlines on her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67m2xa/why_do_i_make_so_many_spousal_abuse_jokes/
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How many numbers between 1 - 10 are there that have two syllables?

I can name 7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67m1xs/how_many_numbers_between_1_10_are_there_that_have/
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Shredded cabbage tastes better than unshredded cabbage

Cole's Law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67m13d/shredded_cabbage_tastes_better_than_unshredded/
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What do you call a cannibal that only eats coma patients?

Vegetarian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67m0fi/what_do_you_call_a_cannibal_that_only_eats_coma/
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I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation….

….until I saw a dragon and fucking shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67lzcg/i_wasnt_sure_why_the_doctor_prescribed_lsd_for_my/
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What I if told you...

... you read the first line wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67lyqd/what_i_if_told_you/
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When do astronauts eat?

At launch time.
(Joke provided by my 7 year old)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67lxdl/when_do_astronauts_eat/
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An old lady gets pulled over

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a Texas highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration. When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.
He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”
She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse, a .45 in her glove box, a 9mm Glock in the center console, And a shotgun in the trunk.
“Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?”
The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fuckin thing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67lwlu/an_old_lady_gets_pulled_over/
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Why are there no feminists in Japan?

Because Japanese hunt whales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67lphp/why_are_there_no_feminists_in_japan/
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Laughing scale

Ha – Mildly amusing
Haha – Funny
Hahaha – Sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – Stayin alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67lp70/laughing_scale/
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Girl, imma treat you like I treat my pinky toe

I'm going to bang you on all the furniture all night long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67lp4z/girl_imma_treat_you_like_i_treat_my_pinky_toe/
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My wife caught me watching porn.

She said: "I don't know why you like watching porn so much, what's the difference between me and one of these chicks that you keep watching"
Me: I don't know, a mute button?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ll5y/my_wife_caught_me_watching_porn/
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A friend of mine used to brag about picking up hundreds of women a day.

And then METRO laid him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ld3g/a_friend_of_mine_used_to_brag_about_picking_up/
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I got my kid a puppy, but it died the night before Christmas...

Now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67lcva/i_got_my_kid_a_puppy_but_it_died_the_night_before/
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Black people shoot each other in the streets

White people shoot each other in school, because we got class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67l6sf/black_people_shoot_each_other_in_the_streets/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67l6hi/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A doyouthinkhesaurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67l4vs/what_do_you_call_a_blind_dinosaur/
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What's the difference between a Tuna, a piano, and a tub of glue?

You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67l3iq/whats_the_difference_between_a_tuna_a_piano_and_a/
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I spent my children's college fund on a boat...

I'm going to call it the scholarship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67l3g3/i_spent_my_childrens_college_fund_on_a_boat/
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Would you screw me for half a mil?

Guy: Would you bang me for 500K?
Girl: Are you serious?
Guy: Yes.
Girl: Then yes.
Guy: Would you bang me for 50 cents?
Girl: What do you think I am?
Guy: We've established that. I'm negotiating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67l280/would_you_screw_me_for_half_a_mil/
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What did the Jews rate their stay at Auschwitz?

One star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67kzk3/what_did_the_jews_rate_their_stay_at_auschwitz/
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I just formed a band called 999 Megabytes...

we haven't gotten a Gig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67kyzk/i_just_formed_a_band_called_999_megabytes/
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A friend of mine had a dildo farm [NSFW]

He couldn't get rid of the squatters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67kuvv/a_friend_of_mine_had_a_dildo_farm_nsfw/
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What did the cell brother say to his cell sister when she stepped on his toe?

Mitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ktn5/what_did_the_cell_brother_say_to_his_cell_sister/
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Who doesn't like cheesy puns...

They're just so grate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67kqp2/who_doesnt_like_cheesy_puns/
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My Dick is Like an Amusement Park

Kids ride free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67kp0p/my_dick_is_like_an_amusement_park/
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My brother went to jail...

He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and
attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67kh10/my_brother_went_to_jail/
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I'll tell you what I hate, those bloody Russian dolls...

...They're just so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67keqn/ill_tell_you_what_i_hate_those_bloody_russian/
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I'm digging this extremely irresistible woman

They really do bury them six feet underground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67kcyf/im_digging_this_extremely_irresistible_woman/
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Why did the bride smile when she walked down the marriage aisle?

She realized she gave her last blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67kbjz/why_did_the_bride_smile_when_she_walked_down_the/
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Daughter's boyfriend

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.  Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head.  The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date.  The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out." He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.  The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be." The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ka4l/daughters_boyfriend/
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What is yellow, has 38 eyes, and can't swim?

A School Bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67k5vx/what_is_yellow_has_38_eyes_and_cant_swim/
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You gotta love the baby boomers though, they gave us housing

To look at

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67k4xv/you_gotta_love_the_baby_boomers_though_they_gave/
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What's the difference between a Hoover vaccum and a Harley Davidson?

The position of the dirtbag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67k2l3/whats_the_difference_between_a_hoover_vaccum_and/
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Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms.

Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.
^(Posted on behalf of /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter's comment section)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67k2kj/doctor_i_understand_youre_experiencing_hearing/
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What was the prize for the body builder who went the longest time without working out?

aTrophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67k2c9/what_was_the_prize_for_the_body_builder_who_went/
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A kindergarten teacher is teaching her class about animals...

She would hold ip a picture of the animal and the class would cry out in unison.
COW!
SHEEP!
When the teacher got to the deer the class was clueless.
"It has horns" She said
But the class was silent
"Sometimes your mom calls your dad this animal"
Little timmy throws his hands up and shouts, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67k274/a_kindergarten_teacher_is_teaching_her_class/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67k202/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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Why do abortion jokes make you laugh so much?

Because they bring out the kid in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jz5t/why_do_abortion_jokes_make_you_laugh_so_much/
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My doctor said "I understand you are experiencing hearing problems. Please describe the symptoms. "

So I told him that Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jykz/my_doctor_said_i_understand_you_are_experiencing/
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Which singer should you avoid borrowing Pixar movies from?

Rick Astley, because he's never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jyie/which_singer_should_you_avoid_borrowing_pixar/
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one night, 2 necrophiliacs go to a cemetery...

they start digging up graves and pulling bodies out of caskets.  They eventually have 12 bodies plus parts of several others.  Then they go to town.  They start fucking skulls, tearing holes into stomachs and fucking those.  One guy rips a dick off of a corpse and sucks on it for a while.  This horrid debauchery continues for a couple hours.
One of the guys gets a new idea.  He pulls out a long straw and sticks it into the ass of one of the most rotted corpses.  He starts sucking on the straw and slowly a mix of blood and bile and excrement starts flowing.  Pleased with himself, he smiles and his teeth are black from the body fluids.
He turns to his partner in crime and says "hey, you want to try this ass juice?  It's great stuff".  The partner says "ew, gross, I'm not sharing your straw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jvri/one_night_2_necrophiliacs_go_to_a_cemetery/
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Gender is like the twin towers

There used to be two, now it's a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jqif/gender_is_like_the_twin_towers/
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Two bananas laying on the beach

Two bananas were laying on the beach, when suddenly a piece of poop floats by in the water.
The poop shouts to the bananas " come take a swim with me, the water is lovely today "
The first banana looks to the second banana and says.... " do you believe that shit? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jpwv/two_bananas_laying_on_the_beach/
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So one day there is this fly flying over a pond...

But while the fly was flying over the pond, there was a fish watching the fly and the fish said "Well shit, if that fly would just come down six inches more, I could jump out and get the fly because I'm hungry". But while the fish was watching the fly, there was a bear watching the fish watching the fly and the bear was like, " Well shit, if that fly would just come down six inches more the fish could get the fly, and I could get the fish because I'm hungry". But while the bear was watching the fish watching the fly, there was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly and the hunter was like, "Well shit, if that fly would just come down six inches more, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish and I could get the bear because I'm hungry". But while the hunter was watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly, there was a squirrel watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly and the squirrel was like, "Well shit, if that fly would just come down a six inches more, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish, the hunter could get the bear and I could go get his sandwich because I'm hungry". But while the squirrel was watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly, there was a cat watching the squirrel watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly and the cat was like, "Well shit, if that fly would just come down six inches more, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish, the hunter could get the bear, the squirrel could get his sandwich and I could get the squirrel because I'm hungry". Anyway, the fly comes down, right? The fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter gets the bear, the squirrel gets the sandwich, and while the cat was trying to get the squirrel, the branch in the tree breaks and the cat comes crashing into the water. Do you know what the moral of this story is? If a fly comes down six inches, a pussy's gonna get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jp96/so_one_day_there_is_this_fly_flying_over_a_pond/
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The year is 2028 and r/Jokes is going strong.

A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28."
The second most upvoted joke says "3915."
The third most upvoted joke says "756."
He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments, "These aren't jokes, they're numbers."
The admin replies, "You must be new here. r/jokes has been around for so long, we've seen every joke, so we just refer to them by numbers now."
The new user wants to get a few upvotes so writes "504,323"
When he checks his account the next day his joke is the top post on reddit and the most upvoted r/jokes thread of the last 10 years. He messages the admin. "What happened?"
The admin replies "Nobody had heard that one before."
**Original post by thatguyleigh**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jkw7/the_year_is_2028_and_rjokes_is_going_strong/
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A daughter goes to her father for marital advice...

"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jkr8/a_daughter_goes_to_her_father_for_marital_advice/
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Do you know what the difference between a hippo and zippo is?

One is big and heavy, the others a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jjf3/do_you_know_what_the_difference_between_a_hippo/
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Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jieo/whats_the_difference_between_a_amateur_thief_and/
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Einstein, Newton and Pascal...

... were playing hide and seek. Einstein started counting so Pascal ran off to hide, but Newton simply drew a square on the floor and stepped in it. Einstein shouted "Ha, found you!", to which Newton simply replied "Nope, 1 Newton per square metre, you found Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jhlu/einstein_newton_and_pascal/
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Trump and Putin

were visiting Merkel in Germany.
The three were walking on a beach and talking about their militarys when Trump said:" We have the best submarines, believe me they are yuuuge. They can stay under water for days without needing to get up."
Putin started to laugh:" xaxaxa thats nothing our submarines can stay submerged for weeks!"
Merkel didn't say a word and they kept on walking.
After a while Trump and Putin looked at her and asked about the German submarines but she didn't realy wanted to answer when suddenly a submarine emerged from the sea.
A hatch opened and man came out of it. When he saw the three he raised his right arm and said:"Heil Hitler!! We need diesel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jhg3/trump_and_putin/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korea's missiles can't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jg9f/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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I finally smoked some of this drug that's in the news all the time, but I wasn't impressed.

Crystal Meh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jczt/i_finally_smoked_some_of_this_drug_thats_in_the/
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Mary Pennington, the oldest survivor of the Titanic, died this week at the age of 106.

Sad in any case, but what really made it tragic is that she was only a quarter mile from shore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67jcmy/mary_pennington_the_oldest_survivor_of_the/
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Who are the worlds fastest readers?

9/11 victims. They went through over 80 stories in 2 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ja4b/who_are_the_worlds_fastest_readers/
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What did one math book say to the other?

When am I ever going to use this in real life?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67j63r/what_did_one_math_book_say_to_the_other/
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I caught my wife on a porn site this morning

I'll have to ask her about it when she gets home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67j62a/i_caught_my_wife_on_a_porn_site_this_morning/
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Speech Therapy Needed

Joe, who had a speech problem, went for a day out to the seaside.
First, he went to the clock shop.
Joe: "Can I have a cock please?"
Shopkeeper: "A what?"
Joe: "A cock. I want a cock."
Shopkeeper: "Oh! You mean CLOCK."
Joe: "Yes, cock."
And so Joe buys a clock and puts it in his bag.
Next, Joe goes into the tourist shop.
Joe: "Can I buy a fucket?"
Shopkeeper: "What did you say!?!?"
Joe: "Fucket. I want to buy a fucket and spade."
Shopkeeper: "Oh! You mean BUCKET. BUCKET and spade."
Joe: "Yes. A fucket."
Finally, Joe goes into the bakery.
Joe: "I want a bum please."
Baker: "A what? Are you having a laugh?"
Joe: "A bum. A nice juicy, sticky, iced bum."
Baker: "Oh! You mean BUN. A BUN."
"Yes, yes. A bum."
After a long day Joe goes to the bus stop, bucket in one hand, bun in the other, and his bag over his shoulder. He sits next to a sweet little old man.
Old man: "Excuse me young man. Could you tell me the time?"
Joe "Sure. Hold my bum and fucket while I get my cock out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67j32r/speech_therapy_needed/
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A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

How do you know when it's time to get a new Dishwasher?
When she cheats on you.
...
^(That makes it okay, right?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67j16w/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_joke/
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Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67iz58/why_dont_hillbillies_ever_try_reverse_cowgirl/
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[NSFW] There was a meeting for Premature Ejaculators...

...Everybody came early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67iy0j/nsfw_there_was_a_meeting_for_premature_ejaculators/
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How are a gene pool and a swimming pool similar?

Sometimes you have to use bleach to keep it clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67iutm/how_are_a_gene_pool_and_a_swimming_pool_similar/
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One day Little Timmy caught his mom and dad having sex...

Little Timmy asks his dad "Can I join you?"
His dad asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Timmy replies "No."
"Then no." Dad replies.
Later on he catches his dad looking at porn.
Timmy asks "Can I look with you Daddy?"
His dad asks again "Can your dick touch your ass?"
"No."
"Then no."
Later that night Little Timmy is eating cookies.
His dad walks into the kitchen and asks "Can I have a cookie?"
Timmy asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"
His dad replies "Yes."
"Then go fuck yourself these cookies are mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67iub1/one_day_little_timmy_caught_his_mom_and_dad/
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What did the day-old egg say to the other egg?

I totally got laid last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67isyv/what_did_the_dayold_egg_say_to_the_other_egg/
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What's the difference between a kilo of cocaine and a baby?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a kilo of cocaine fall out of a window!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67is78/whats_the_difference_between_a_kilo_of_cocaine/
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Confession

A girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch..."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes...
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch..."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where...
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67iqm1/confession/
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What is Harry Potters favorite method of getting down a hill?

Walking....jk, rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67iq86/what_is_harry_potters_favorite_method_of_getting/
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My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

what a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ihij/my_girlfriend_just_dumped_me_for_talking_too_much/
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What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a bath?

One has hope in her soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ihim/whats_the_difference_between_a_nun_and_a_woman/
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What if Muslims wrote BuzzFeed posts?

13 reasons to be a Jihadi, no.7 will blow your mind off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67if3x/what_if_muslims_wrote_buzzfeed_posts/
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To sum up Trump's 100 days...

(unintelligible)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ida4/to_sum_up_trumps_100_days/
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Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water?

Bros before hose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ib90/why_do_the_firemen_take_out_people_from_a_burning/
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I was at a yardsale and a woman asked if I wanted any headphones

I said absolutely! and how did you know my name was Phones?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67i8gw/i_was_at_a_yardsale_and_a_woman_asked_if_i_wanted/
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If you're going to drink and drive, always carry a flask in your car

If you get pulled over for a DUI, put the flask in your lap, suspiciously​ insist that it's "water," and that's when the officer finds out that's it's chloroform.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67i5n0/if_youre_going_to_drink_and_drive_always_carry_a/
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You gota map?

An old pilot regains his desire to fly, so he acquires all of the needed certifications to fly for a popular airline.  Sitting down as a first officer, waiting for the lead pilot, a younger flight officer takes a seat at a small table behind the old aviator.  The old man asks "who are you" to which he responds "sir, I'm your navigator."  The old pilot, disgruntled, reaches into his bag and pulls out an old military issue revolver.  The navigator asks, what's that for? The old pilot says "son, I've flown some 5,000 hours, having completed 400 combat sorties in an F4 phantom over the skies of Vietnam.  In all that time, I've never needed a navigator, and I've not once been lost.  You get us lost, kid, I'll shoot you dead where you sit."  The navigator, not to be a push over, reached into his bag to pull out a small pistol and set it loudly on his table.  The old pilot asked "now, what do you think you're gonna do with that?" To which the nav said "well sir, I'm the navigator, I'll know we're lost long before you do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67i4zr/you_gota_map/
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What does 1000 year old vagina taste like?

Your Mummy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67i3f1/what_does_1000_year_old_vagina_taste_like/
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How does the farmer know when it is time to wake up?

His cock rises

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67i08t/how_does_the_farmer_know_when_it_is_time_to_wake/
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A blonde dies her hair brown... what do you call it?

Artificial intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67hyw1/a_blonde_dies_her_hair_brown_what_do_you_call_it/
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A husband went to the sheriffs department to report his wife missing.

Husband:  My wife is missing she went shopping yesterday and hasn't come home.
Sergeant:  What is her height?
Husband:  Gee, I'm not sure a little over five foot tall.
Sergeant:  Weight?
Husband:  Don't know, not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:  Color of eyes?
Husband:  Ummm, never really noticed.
Sergeant:  Color of hair?
Husband:  Changes a few times a year, dark brown maybe.
Sergeant:  What was she wearing?
Husband:  Could have been a skirt or shorts, don't remember.
Sergeant:  What was she driving?
Husband:  My truck.
Sergeant:  What kind of truck is it?
Husband:  Brand new 2017 Ford F150 King Ranch 4 x 4 with eco-boost 5.0L V6 engine special order manual transmission.  Custom white cover for the bed of the truck.  Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats.  Trailer package with gold hitch.  DVD with navigation, 21- channel cb radio, six cup holders, four power outlets.  Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelin's.  Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.  At this point the husband starts sobbing uncontrollably.
Sergeant:  Don't worry buddy we'll find your truck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67hy5b/a_husband_went_to_the_sheriffs_department_to/
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A man walks into a bar, and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.....

K so a dude walks into a bar, and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
"What's that?", Said Dude, looking up at the meat.
"It's a contest", replied the bartender. "Whoever can jump up and hit all three pieces, I will cook that beef for them and will serve them all free drinks for the rest of the night."
He continues, "If you fail to hit them, or even two, on the first three tries, you will have to pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night. Nobody can interfere. Wanna give it a try?"
"No," Said Dude, "I would, but the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67hqdq/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_three_pieces_of/
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What do you call a citizen of Hiroshima?

A rice crispy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67hpv1/what_do_you_call_a_citizen_of_hiroshima/
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My wife... its difficult to say what she does...

She sells seashells on the seashore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67hpp8/my_wife_its_difficult_to_say_what_she_does/
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What do you call a cocaine addict who runs out of supply?

Crackalackin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67hj6w/what_do_you_call_a_cocaine_addict_who_runs_out_of/
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When does a pentagon not have five sides?

When it's intersected by a plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67hgq0/when_does_a_pentagon_not_have_five_sides/
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What separates a good genocide joke from a bad?

Its execution!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67hg5g/what_separates_a_good_genocide_joke_from_a_bad/
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My girlfriend admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67hd34/my_girlfriend_admitted_she_used_to_be_a_christian/
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Q: Why did the 30-60-90 triangle marry the 45-45-90 triangle?

A: They were right for each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67hbwv/q_why_did_the_306090_triangle_marry_the_454590/
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The Gorilla and the King of the Jungle

The gorilla was strolling through the jungle when he came upon a lion sinking in a pool of quicksand.
"Save me, gorilla!" Shouted the lion. "Drowning in the quicksand is no way for the king of the jungle to die!"
The gorilla quickly grabbed the lion by the rear and started pounding him in the ass.
When he finished he yanked the lion from the quicksand, tossed him as far as he could, and ran for his life.
The lion was furious and gave chase. The gorilla had to die before anybody could find out what happened.
After time the gorilla could run no more and the lion was gaining on him. He quickly sat down on a log, crossed his legs, and opened a newspaper to cover his face.
A split second later, there was the lion.
"Excuse me, sir, did you happen to see a gorilla run by?"
The gorilla couldn't help himself.
"Oh, you mean the one that ass fucked the king of the jungle?"
"Oh God!" Roared the lion
"It's in the paper ALREADY?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67hb8r/the_gorilla_and_the_king_of_the_jungle/
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Who bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr Biggers baby?

The Baby. Cause its a little Bigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67hb36/who_bigger_mr_bigger_or_mr_biggers_baby/
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Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

Student: You told me not to use tables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67havc/teacher_why_are_you_doing_your_multiplication_on/
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A black man was arrested for firing a starting rifle.

They believe it was race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67h9ys/a_black_man_was_arrested_for_firing_a_starting/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67h9v7/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
At snack time at a Catholic elementary school there was a tray of apples. A note beside them read "Take only ONE. God is watching." At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67h9uc/at_snack_time_at_a_catholic_elementary_school/
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I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles this morning..

My next shit could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67h7qb/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_scrabble_tiles_this/
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

The bacteria say, “But we work here, we’re staph"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67h7g9/two_bacteria_walk_into_a_bar_the_bartender_says/
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Apparently, this is the most commonly-appreciated joke in the world

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67h72f/apparently_this_is_the_most_commonlyappreciated/
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What do you call a black woman falling down the stairs?

Tumblewieve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67h4w8/what_do_you_call_a_black_woman_falling_down_the/
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, “You look nice today.” A few minutes later he again hears a small voice say, “That’s a nice shirt.” The guy asks the bartender, “Who is that?”

The bartender replies, “Those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67h4ov/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_sits_down_and_hears_a/
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Two eggs, a sausage, and a pancake walk into a bar.

The bartender says,  “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67h2tx/two_eggs_a_sausage_and_a_pancake_walk_into_a_bar/
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You know how Canada got its name right?

It was 3 guys sitting around a table and the first guy goes, "what about a C, eh?" the second guy says "yea what about an N eh?" and the last guy says "what about a D eh?"
I don't know if this has been told here before but it's definitely my goto joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67h2sm/you_know_how_canada_got_its_name_right/
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How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67h12w/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel.. you know how to fish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67h04r/my_wife_walked_in_on_me_while_i_was_watching_porn/
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My daughter came home today and said "Dad, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend Mike."

"Are you kidding me?!" I said, "What the fuck are you doing with this ugly loser? Don't scrape the barrel, you can do much better than this."
"Dad!!" my daughter screamed, "Mike is lovely!"
"I know." I replied "I was talking to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67gylw/my_daughter_came_home_today_and_said_dad_id_like/
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What did Adam say to Eve?

Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67gy1u/what_did_adam_say_to_eve/
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A Russian, Jamaican, Mexican and American are on a raft...

A Russian, Jamaican, Mexican and American are stuck on a raft and the Russian decides to pull out a large bottle of vodka and drink it. Before finishing the bottle, the Russian tosses the Vodka overboard.
Confused, the American says,"Hey! Why did you throw away that Vodka? We could've died drunk and happy."
The Russian replies with,"Where I come from it is cheap and easy to find anywhere."
Next the Jamaican pulls out a large blunt from out of his dreadlocks and begins smoking it. Before he could finish the blunt, the Jamaican tosses the blunt overboard.
The American confused once again asked,"Hey! Why did you toss that blunt? We could've died high and happy."
The Jamaican replies,"Where I come from it's cheap and you can find it anywhere."
The American decides to join the Russian and Jamaican and so he tosses the Mexican overboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67gufc/a_russian_jamaican_mexican_and_american_are_on_a/
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The husband in a married couple kept farting horribly in bed,

for years, it was terrible. His wife suffered greatly and kept nagging him to do something about his indigestion, often saying, “One day, Trevor, your horrible farting is going to force your guts right out!”
The husband only made fun of this feeling very macho.
Until one Christmas day the wife was gutting a turkey for Christmas dinner and had an idea… She took the intestines out and placed them quietly in her sleeping husband’s bed, under the covers.
She couldn’t wait for the husband to wake up – and sure enough, in about one hour, Trevor, all white and shaky, came down the stairs: “Mary, by Golly you were right! That horrible farting did force my guts out! But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, I set everything right again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67gu6q/the_husband_in_a_married_couple_kept_farting/
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One evening my car broke down. A drunk stumbled over to me and asked me what was wrong. "Piston broke" I said.

"Yep, me too!" he responded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67gp64/one_evening_my_car_broke_down_a_drunk_stumbled/
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I wanna make a joke about my life

But I don't have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67gly2/i_wanna_make_a_joke_about_my_life/
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For my graduating class' 20th reunion, we're digging up our time capsule from freshman year

I cant wait to see how big my dog Sparky got

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67glt3/for_my_graduating_class_20th_reunion_were_digging/
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'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67gkuf/involuntary_muscle_contraction/
%
I'm in a hotel room and call down to the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in the sink..."

The guy answers, "Go ahead, the customer's always right..."
- H. Youngman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67gkp6/im_in_a_hotel_room_and_call_down_to_the_front/
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One day, a rabbit went to the bookstore.

Rabbit: "Do you sell carrots?"
Shopkeeper: "No."
The next day, the rabbit went to the bookstore again.
Rabbit: "Do you sell carrots?"
Shopkeeper: "No."
Day 3- the rabbit went again!
Rabbit: "Do you sell carrots?"
Shopkeeper: "NO! Come again and I'll get a pair of scissors and chop your ears off."
The Rabbit, frightened, fled in the blink of an eye.
Day 4, the rabbit went again.
Rabbit: "Do you sell scissors?"
Shopkeeper: "Unfortunately no :/"
Rabbit: "So.... do you sell carrots?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67gjzy/one_day_a_rabbit_went_to_the_bookstore/
%
Why did the software developer go broke?

He used up all his cache !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67gjvd/why_did_the_software_developer_go_broke/
%
Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67gh6o/why_did_the_oreo_cookie_go_to_the_dentist/
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What did one math book say to the other math book?

Man, do I have problems !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ggic/what_did_one_math_book_say_to_the_other_math_book/
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What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67gdnj/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_human_dna_with_goat/
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I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill...

These are the darkest days of my life...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67gbiv/im_so_much_in_debt_i_cant_afford_to_pay_my/
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The Mime's new job

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will
fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds
grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one terrible day when he is
dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67g9lk/the_mimes_new_job/
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An elderly couple go to the doctors.

The doctor says to the man 'I need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample.'
The old man, a little hard of hearing, says 'What did you say?'
The lady leans in to her husband and says 'He says he wants to see your underpants.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67g80j/an_elderly_couple_go_to_the_doctors/
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What do friends and trees have in common?

They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67g7rk/what_do_friends_and_trees_have_in_common/
%
What did Putin say to the Ukraine when they complained about Russian aggression?

Crimea river!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67g7kd/what_did_putin_say_to_the_ukraine_when_they/
%
Got to work this morning

and my boss told me 'have a good day', so I went home and had a great day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67g0rg/got_to_work_this_morning/
%
What's a porn stars' favorite drink?

7UP in cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fzu0/whats_a_porn_stars_favorite_drink/
%
In the US people drive on the right side of the road,

but here in Atlanta we drive on what's left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fz0x/in_the_us_people_drive_on_the_right_side_of_the/
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Dip Chip Anyone?

A man answers an ad for a sales position. The hiring manager says "We sell toothbrushes. You'll be on a 30 day probationary period. In that time you need to sell at least 100 units on average each week. If you make that goal you'll be hired on full time."
The man agrees and starts work immediately. He reports back after his first week and he's sold 250 units. The manager is impressed but thinks "maybe it's just beginner's luck". But the following week the new guy has sold an additional 400 units and had quickly become the company's top producer.
The manager decided to follow him to see if he could learn anything from the guy's sales technique. He followed him to a busy farmer's market where he watched the guy set up a booth. The first customer stopped by and the guy said "Hi there. I'm testing out some new kinds of chip dip and I'm wondering if you'd like a sample?" The customer agreed, took a chip, dipped it, and took a bite. "OMG THIS TASTES LIKE S.H.I.T!"
"It is," said the guy. "Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fxxv/dip_chip_anyone/
%
I was attacked by a gang of mimes yesterday...

They did unspeakable things to me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fxwu/i_was_attacked_by_a_gang_of_mimes_yesterday/
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You know you are fat when ...

you hug a child and it gets lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fxjy/you_know_you_are_fat_when/
%
I'm going on a trip around West Africa.

I've Benin there before, but I want Togo again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fwqy/im_going_on_a_trip_around_west_africa/
%
I once dated a dental hygienist

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fwfv/i_once_dated_a_dental_hygienist/
%
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency

"Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."
"The truth is," replied the Politician, "That she has a big mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fwbr/at_a_news_conference_a_journalist_said_to_the/
%
I started to tell a bowling joke to my friend

He stopped me and said: spare me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fwac/i_started_to_tell_a_bowling_joke_to_my_friend/
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Recruiting Pilots

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fv8k/recruiting_pilots/
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How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fusg/how_do_you_turn_a_fruit_into_a_vegetable/
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I've heard people say mountains are funny.

Personally, I just think they are hill areas.
Where's the door again, got I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ftcd/ive_heard_people_say_mountains_are_funny/
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Larry the Fighter Pilot

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Larry's whore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fsh9/larry_the_fighter_pilot/
%
Three things that never lie.....

Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67frhp/three_things_that_never_lie/
%
The universe implodes

No Matter...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fqw8/the_universe_implodes/
%
I walked into my psychiatrist's office today wearing only Saran wrap underwear…

The doctor took one look at me and said, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67foyq/i_walked_into_my_psychiatrists_office_today/
%
Why aren't orphans good at baseball?

Becuase they don't know where home is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fn81/why_arent_orphans_good_at_baseball/
%
Why is it good being an orphan

Every bag of chips is family sized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fn4g/why_is_it_good_being_an_orphan/
%
Trump calls Putin on the phone

Trump says, "You need to stop annexing territory in Ukraine"
Putin responds, "Crimea river"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fllk/trump_calls_putin_on_the_phone/
%
A man goes to the doctor..

After running tests the doctor says to the guy, "I'm sorry but I have two bits of bad news."
"The first is that you have cancer."
Guy goes "Well shit.  What's the other bad news?"
Doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's."
Guy says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fjfm/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Two blondes fall down a well

One says to the other ones, "isn't it dark down here" she replies, I don't know I can't see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fi3d/two_blondes_fall_down_a_well/
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Got up in the middle of the night, and couldn't find my alarm clock

Checked the time on my cell phone, it was 4:04.  Made sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fhs9/got_up_in_the_middle_of_the_night_and_couldnt/
%
Why don't old grannies have sex?

Have you every opened up a grilled cheese sandwich?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ff06/why_dont_old_grannies_have_sex/
%
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

A wooly jumper (I'll see myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67femv/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_sheep_with_a/
%
Trump banned all pre-shredded packaged cheese...

... He wanted to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fbwy/trump_banned_all_preshredded_packaged_cheese/
%
Why are deep sea fish always so stressed?

They're under a lot of pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67fb4l/why_are_deep_sea_fish_always_so_stressed/
%
Some people are like a software update

. When I see them I think ” Not now ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67f95p/some_people_are_like_a_software_update/
%
What's the difference between America and cheese?

If left for a while, cheese develops culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67f7yz/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_cheese/
%
I donated some old board games to my local daycare.

Hope those kids like Ouija Boards...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67f62j/i_donated_some_old_board_games_to_my_local_daycare/
%
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.

St Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.
Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67f2fe/four_nuns_were_standing_in_line_at_the_gates_of/
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2 Jews walk into a bar...

mitzvah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ezc5/2_jews_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What is the lowest form of North Korean joke?

A Kim Jong Pun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ez89/what_is_the_lowest_form_of_north_korean_joke/
%
Three Pregnant Ladies

are discussing their unborn babies.
The Brunette says "I am having a girl because I was on the bottom when my partner and I conceived"
The Redhead says "I am having a boy as I was on top with my partner"
The Blonde starts crying and the other two ask what is wrong "I am going to be having ten puppies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67exyl/three_pregnant_ladies/
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Yo momma's so fat...

United airlines employees said " let the goddamn computer choose someone else. I ain't movin that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ex29/yo_mommas_so_fat/
%
What's the difference between a young christian boy and most grocery store milks?

One is pasteurized, the others pastorized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67etve/whats_the_difference_between_a_young_christian/
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Did you hear about the communist who drank?

He got hammered and was sickled over the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67estp/did_you_hear_about_the_communist_who_drank/
%
I need to put my phone in a cover

Just in case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ep3j/i_need_to_put_my_phone_in_a_cover/
%
What’s the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67eny2/whats_the_most_common_operation_in_a_lego_hospital/
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Sex since 1955

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a
gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
"Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to
a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67efpy/sex_since_1955/
%
3 ducks go to court

The first duck walks in and the judge ask him "You what is your name." The duck replies to him "My name is Quack." The judge procedes to asking "And why are you here today?" The duck replies " for blowing Bubbles." The judge stops and thinks to himself this isn't a punishable offense so he proceeds to let the duck go.
The second duck walks in and again the judge asks for the ducks name to which the duck replies " My name is Quack Quack." So the judge again proceeds to ask why the duck was here to which the duck replies "For blowing Bubbles." Again thinking it's not a punishable offense the judge let's the duck go.
The final duck walks in and this time the judge decides to say to the duck "Let me guess your name is Quack Quack Quack." To which the duck replies and says "No sir my name is Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67edjb/3_ducks_go_to_court/
%
If I had a dollar every time I was called sexist...

I'd be making more money than the average woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ecet/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_i_was_called_sexist/
%
The capital of Ireland is the world's fastest growing city..

It's Dublin every year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67e84h/the_capital_of_ireland_is_the_worlds_fastest/
%
Why was the pyro so upset when he searched for his favorite book in the library database?

Results showed "no matches found"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67e7wn/why_was_the_pyro_so_upset_when_he_searched_for/
%
What's a pirate's favorite letter

R? That's what you think, but it's all about the C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67e5cb/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I messed up the punchline

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67e49p/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_messed_up_the/
%
Yeah, but you started it.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67e2jt/yeah_but_you_started_it/
%
Have you ever seen a picture of Hellen Keller's parents?

Neither has she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67e1i7/have_you_ever_seen_a_picture_of_hellen_kellers/
%
Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash

I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67e0hl/whenever_i_get_a_stack_of_resumes_i_throw_half_of/
%
What tea is the best tea?

TNT.
Seriously, it's the bomb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67e02a/what_tea_is_the_best_tea/
%
Getting head from a guy

is like wearing crocs, it feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dyq3/getting_head_from_a_guy/
%
Why is top-shelf beef such a risky investment?

Because the steaks are so high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dxzx/why_is_topshelf_beef_such_a_risky_investment/
%
My family and I were at a friend's house for a barbecue when it started to rain.

Our son commented, "The rain is wet."
My friend laughed and said, "Wow, talk about stating the obvious!"
"He's always doing that," my wife said. "I don't know who he gets it from..." she laughed, pointing in my direction.
After a few seconds, I turned to my friend and said, "He gets it from me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dx5r/my_family_and_i_were_at_a_friends_house_for_a/
%
What did you just do with my post?

You reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dt34/what_did_you_just_do_with_my_post/
%
If your soulmate dies before you meet them, do you get a backup soulmate?

"I meant questions about the midterm," my professor replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dt1c/if_your_soulmate_dies_before_you_meet_them_do_you/
%
Did you hear about the award United Airlines just got?

They were voted best in Chinese takeaway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dsa3/did_you_hear_about_the_award_united_airlines_just/
%
I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep

It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dqpn/i_have_a_condition_that_makes_me_eat_when_i_cant/
%
A guy narrates of his incredible tale to a friend

"I came across this beautiful woman. She was tied to the railroad tracks. I freed her and we made passionate love. Her body was smoking hot!"
"How was the face?" his friend asked.
"Oh I didn't find the head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dprm/a_guy_narrates_of_his_incredible_tale_to_a_friend/
%
What do you call it when a cow get's milked without consent?

"Moo-lestation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dpp6/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_cow_gets_milked/
%
A little man walks into a bar, and on the way in he steps in a pile of dog shit...

He totally wipes out and lands on his ass. He gets up and dusts himself off and continues into the bar.
A few minutes later a big guy is walking into the same bar and also steps in the same plie of dog shit and also wipes out. Same as the little guy, he gets up and dusts himself off and continues into the bar. He sits down besides the little guy. The little guy motions to the pile of dog shit by the door, "I just did that!" he exclaims...the big guy punches him in the mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dowk/a_little_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_on_the_way_in/
%
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone...

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67done/a_blonde_man_shouts_frantically_into_the_phone/
%
What does 80 year old vagina taste like?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dn1b/what_does_80_year_old_vagina_taste_like/
%
I used to work at a muffler factory

It was exhausting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dlyd/i_used_to_work_at_a_muffler_factory/
%
American businessman heads to Japan for some business. Knowing he's a good golfer and wanting to beat him, the Japanese business man gets him drunk and hires a woman for the night thinking he will not play a good game the next day.

The American and the Japanese girl go back to his room where they proceed to make passionate love.
As he starts to thrust, the girl starts moaning 'machigao...'
Taking this as a sign she likes it, he starts pumping even harder, the girl continues to push back at his hips saying 'machigao! machigao! machigao!' as her voice rises.
As they both collapse sweaty from the exertion, the girl weeping softly says 'machigao! machigao!'
He thinks that must mean 'awesome!'. The next day they are playing golf.
They get to a par 5 and as the American sinks a 20' birdie putt. He decides to show off his new language skills and yells out "MACHIGAO!"
At that, his Japanese business partner stops, looks at him and says 'What do you mean "wrong hole" ?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dlgv/american_businessman_heads_to_japan_for_some/
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What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent Van Gogh?

You gonna eat that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dk16/what_did_mike_tyson_say_to_vincent_van_gogh/
%
What is the safest place for a gay to hide in Chechnya?

The closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dis4/what_is_the_safest_place_for_a_gay_to_hide_in/
%
A man sends a bottle of champagne to a beautiful woman at a nearby table.

She sends back the bottle with a note
"Thank you. But in order for me to accept this bottle of champagne you must have a Lexus in the garage, a million in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants"
Scoffingly the gentleman sends back the bottle with his note
"Well miss, i have two brand new Lexus convertibles to drive you around in. In the bank I have ten million dollars to spend on you......but not even for you would I cut off two inches"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dghb/a_man_sends_a_bottle_of_champagne_to_a_beautiful/
%
Do you like food and travel!?

Why should you got to Jerusalem for the food?
Because israeli good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ddrf/do_you_like_food_and_travel/
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The Viper

A young woman lived alone in an apartment on the top floor of her building. One day, she got a phonecall on her landline from a number she didn't know. She answered it. "Hello?"
"Hello. I am the Viper. And I am coming to your apartment soon." Then the person hung up.
The woman didn't know what to think. She went and locked her front door, but was also prepared to write it off as a joke from a bored man.
10 minutes later, she receives another phone call from the same number. She picks it up. "Who are you?"
"I am the Viper. And I am at your building. I'm coming up." He hangs up.
The woman panics and calls her best friend. She quickly explains the scary phone calls and asks for advice.
Her friend says, "Make sure everything is locked, including the windows. If he calls back, call the police right after."
The woman checks everything and then sits on her sofa, heart racing, waiting for something to happen. When the phone rang again, she jumped a little and then answered it. ".... Hello?"
"Hello. I am the Viper. I am on the 2nd floor. I will be at your apartment shortly."
The woman hangs up before he can and calls the police. They assure her they are on the way and to try and arm herself if she has anything that can protect herself if need be.
The woman grabs a kitchen knife and waits by her front door.
Someone knocks on the front door.
Praying it's the police, she calls out, "Hello?"
No reply.
She looks through the peephole. She can't see anyone. She slides the chain into place and carefully opens the door.
Looking down, she sees the shortest man she's ever seen in her entire life. The man looks up at her.
"Hello. I am the Viper. I have come to vipe your vindows."
My apologies for the terrible joke. I read it 14 years ago in a book of scary short stories and needed to get it out of my brain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dcbx/the_viper/
%
Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors?

To see the battlefield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67dc4f/why_do_french_tanks_have_rearview_mirrors/
%
My Girlfriend said

: "tie me to the bed and do whatever you want"
So I tied her to the bed and went and fucked her sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67d653/my_girlfriend_said/
%
A blonde was desperate for money…

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs. At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. ‘Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?’ 'Sure,’ smiled the blonde, 'I’ll do it for $100.’ 'Great,’ the man replied. 'You’ll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.’ The man went back into the house to his wife, who’d been listening. 'A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?’ asked the wife. 'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!’ he said. About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. 'I’m all done,’ she reported. The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?’ 'Yeah,’ the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!’ The man reached into his wallet to pay her. 'And by the way,’ said the blonde, 'that’s not a Porsche. It’s a Ferrari.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67d2dx/a_blonde_was_desperate_for_money/
%
The doctor gave me some bad news today...

He said I had severe onomatopoeia.
I asked what that was, and surely enough, it's exactly what it sounds like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67d25g/the_doctor_gave_me_some_bad_news_today/
%
Hey Girl did you know you're over 65% Water?

And im thirsty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67czzl/hey_girl_did_you_know_youre_over_65_water/
%
I was tickling my brothers feet last night

and my mother woke up and had a right go at me!! something about waiting till he's born first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67cuyn/i_was_tickling_my_brothers_feet_last_night/
%
A plane full of engineers

A group of aerospace engineering professors are on a plane heading to a convention. Prior to take-off, the pilot comes over the intercom and announces "Distinguished professors, you should be proud to know that this particular plane was designed and crafted by many of your students."
Most of the engineers immediately panic and attempt in vain to get off the plane, afraid of what might go wrong during the flight. One of the more senior professors, though, remains calmly in his seat. When his neighbor asks why he is not worried, the professor responds "I have been an engineering professor for over 35 years. If I know my students as well as I do, then there's no chance this plane will even get off the runway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67csxu/a_plane_full_of_engineers/
%
My dad sat me down and told me I was adopted...

"Pack your bag", he said. "They'll be here in thirty minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67crgu/my_dad_sat_me_down_and_told_me_i_was_adopted/
%
I just got an AMBER alert that won't open...

It says: error 404 child not found

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67cohs/i_just_got_an_amber_alert_that_wont_open/
%
Messed up at the doctors

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."  "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67cnrh/messed_up_at_the_doctors/
%
What's the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station.
The other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67cmcj/whats_the_difference_between_a_greyhound_terminal/
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I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67cm6t/i_got_banned_from_laser_tag_today/
%
A doctor is talking to a patient.

P: Am I going to be okay?
D: You're as healthy as a horse-
P: YAY!
D: -with cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67cck9/a_doctor_is_talking_to_a_patient/
%
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed....

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67cavg/on_a_crowded_bus_one_man_noticed_that_another_man/
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A man receives a phone call from his doctor.....

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67cal1/a_man_receives_a_phone_call_from_his_doctor/
%
There was a fight in the toilet last night

Shit went down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67c9tb/there_was_a_fight_in_the_toilet_last_night/
%
Alabama college kid visiting Boston

So this Alabama Crimson Tide football player is visiting Boston. He's at a party and sees this pretty blonde girl, want to chat her up.
Goes over and says "What college does you go to?" She's not impressed by his down south accent and general rural hick ways, so she says "Yale." and looks away.
He lean over to her ear and says "WHAT COLLEGE DOES YOU GO TO?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67c9cv/alabama_college_kid_visiting_boston/
%
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming and drowning, like the schoolchildren on the bus he was driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67c7pj/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_peacefully_in_my_sleep/
%
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one eve......

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67c7ls/patient_doctor_youve_got_to_help_me_nobody_ever/
%
People with only one arm...

Am I right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67c6or/people_with_only_one_arm/
%
There's this wheelchair bound kid that gets bullied alot.

It's really sad cause he can't seem to stand up for himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67c69l/theres_this_wheelchair_bound_kid_that_gets/
%
A guy walls into a bar and orders 10 shots of vodka.

"Rough day?" the bartender asks, setting the shots down.
"Yep," the guy answers. "Just found out that my brother is gay."
A week later, the same guy walks into the bar with the same bartender, and asks 10 shots of vodka again.
Remembering the guy from last week, the bartender asks, "Jeez, what happened now?"
"My father just told me he's gay!" the guy grumbles. The bartender sets the shots down, feeling sorry for the poor guy.
The next week, same guy walks in, orders the same drink with the same bartender. Before the bartender even asks, the guy says in frustration, "Now my cousin is gay!"
"Man, you poor thing," the bartender says, giving the guy his shots.
The next week, same guy walks in, orders the same thing, same bartender.
"Holy shit dude, doesn't anyone in your family like women?" the bartender asks.
"Yeah," the guy says, downing the 10th shot. "My wife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67c559/a_guy_walls_into_a_bar_and_orders_10_shots_of/
%
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.

Thanks for looking out for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67c3eb/i_would_like_to_take_a_moment_and_thank_my/
%
A limbo contestant walks into a bar

He is immediately disqualified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67c20d/a_limbo_contestant_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Optimism: The glass is half full , Pessimism: The glass is half empty

Feminism: The glass is raping me﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67by6d/optimism_the_glass_is_half_full_pessimism_the/
%
Why was the broom late?

Because it overswept !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67by2y/why_was_the_broom_late/
%
What's the similarity between your dick and a Rubick's cube?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67bure/whats_the_similarity_between_your_dick_and_a/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for Fresh Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67bk6k/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
My father is a carpenter, and he was telling me about the new, state-of-the-art plumb bob that was just released...

It really is next-level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67bh1i/my_father_is_a_carpenter_and_he_was_telling_me/
%
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship…

The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67bg79/two_old_men_are_sitting_on_the_deck_of_a_cruise/
%
My girlfriend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D..

and I said, yes, but they R2-D2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67bg69/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_the_new_star_wars_was/
%
What happened to the man who stole his pants from the drycleaners?

He made a CLEAN getaway!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67bd20/what_happened_to_the_man_who_stole_his_pants_from/
%
[NSFW] A woman asks her boyfriend "Do I look fat in this dress?"

He answers: "Are you going to get angry if I'm honest?"
Her response is "No, I promise!"
"OK, I'm fucking your sister."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67b8ei/nsfw_a_woman_asks_her_boyfriend_do_i_look_fat_in/
%
I'm going to leave this world just like I entered it..

With me crying and the people around me celebrating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67b63h/im_going_to_leave_this_world_just_like_i_entered/
%
Three dogs

, a German Shepherd, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The German Shepherd turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"
"I'm a pisser," the Boxer replies, "I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kid. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
"So what is the vet going to do?" the Doberman asks.
"Lethal injection" came the sad reply from the Boxer.
The German Shepherd then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a digger," said the Labrador. "I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the German Shepherd inquired.
"Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then asks the German Shepherd why he's at the vet's office..
"I'm a humper," the German Shepherd says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump - everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
"No, no," the German Shepherd says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67b51x/three_dogs/
%
Have you ever had sex while camping?

It's fucking in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67b3ai/have_you_ever_had_sex_while_camping/
%
"Do you know what sin city is?"

"Yeah, that's Las Vegas"
"But do you know what Den City is"
"No"
"Mass over volume"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67b2zh/do_you_know_what_sin_city_is/
%
I've heard that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it is raining in Sweden....

How the hell am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67b19u/ive_heard_that_by_law_you_have_to_turn_on_your/
%
A Viking is arguing with his wife

"It's definitely hail" says Gertha
"No, it's rain!" Says Rudolf
"No, it's round and hard, it's hail!" She retorts.
Getting very flustered now, Rudolf shouts "Look! Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67b0ch/a_viking_is_arguing_with_his_wife/
%
If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67axe4/if_i_got_1_every_time_somebody_called_me_a_racist/
%
My wife and I have different ideas on death.

I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ault/my_wife_and_i_have_different_ideas_on_death/
%
Joke from Spain (forgive my English)

There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child.
"I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!" Says the wife. "That's not true, you're not the mother!" Replies the husband. "Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?" Says the wife. "No, I actually don't know who the real parents are," replies the husband.
The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that. "Well," he replies, "when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest."
"And?" She asks.
"And I did!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67aref/joke_from_spain_forgive_my_english/
%
What did the mathematician call his dead parrot?

Polygon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67aq45/what_did_the_mathematician_call_his_dead_parrot/
%
You know the joke about the guy who buys his shoes from his drug dealer?

I wonder why he chose that dude to be his sole supplier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67apqx/you_know_the_joke_about_the_guy_who_buys_his/
%
No, the one with the wedding ring

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67anux/no_the_one_with_the_wedding_ring/
%
Ten horses walk out of a bar. They see another horse getting mugged by a big scary dude in an alleyway. The horses are unsure if they should intervene. One brave horse says, "Let's put it to a vote! If you want to help him, say aye!"

They don't help him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67amlo/ten_horses_walk_out_of_a_bar_they_see_another/
%
I put on a full suit to check my grades

I wanted to look my best at my funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67amdc/i_put_on_a_full_suit_to_check_my_grades/
%
What does a prostitute's resume list as her top attribute?

She's a consummate professional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67alqr/what_does_a_prostitutes_resume_list_as_her_top/
%
What type of person doesn't like Pizza?

A WeirDOUGH.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ahdj/what_type_of_person_doesnt_like_pizza/
%
[NSFW] What's black and at the top of the stairs?

A cripple after a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67agwo/nsfw_whats_black_and_at_the_top_of_the_stairs/
%
Would love to find a women who looks good in camo.

I've never seen one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67ags9/would_love_to_find_a_women_who_looks_good_in_camo/
%
I'm in a band called 'Duvet'

We're a cover band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67aeoc/im_in_a_band_called_duvet/
%
Yesterday, I surveyed strangers and asked them which gender is more complicated.

Half of the women are still answering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67adye/yesterday_i_surveyed_strangers_and_asked_them/
%
A drunk Scotsman fell asleep on the roadside...

A drunk Scotsman fell asleep on the roadside when two young women walk past. One of them sees him and says to her friend:
"I wonder if it's true that Scots don't wear anything under their kilts?"
Since the other is curious, too, they go to the Scotsmen and, after making sure he wouldn't wake up, raise the Kilt. And it's true, beneath it the scot is completely naked.
After their curiosity is fed one says to the other:
"We should leave him a present, so he can be happy when he wakes up" so they bind a blue ribbon around his private parts.
Hours later the Scot wakes up and feels the need for a piss. So he goes behind a tree, raises his kilt, looks down and says:
"I don't know where ya been mate, but I see you won first price"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67a7bp/a_drunk_scotsman_fell_asleep_on_the_roadside/
%
Yo' mama so slow...

...it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67a7ad/yo_mama_so_slow/
%
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67a6uo/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
3d-printers are now making guns.

Pffft, that's nothing!
I've had a Canon printer for years.
credit [jokes](https://reddit.com)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67a3q8/3dprinters_are_now_making_guns/
%
My grand father fought in WW2. Whenever I bring it up, he says he never wants to talk about it again.

What a sore loser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67a3p5/my_grand_father_fought_in_ww2_whenever_i_bring_it/
%
What do you call a bombed schoolyard?

Recess Pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67a1t4/what_do_you_call_a_bombed_schoolyard/
%
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it....

We went and had a few drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67a1dw/my_wife_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead_of/
%
What do you call a piece of slutty spaghetti?

A pastatute!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67a18q/what_do_you_call_a_piece_of_slutty_spaghetti/
%
If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks."

Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67a14t/if_i_bring_you_breakfast_in_bed_just_say_thanks/
%
A man goes to the local bar for a quiet drink.

As he orders his lager, the bartender tells him that there is a competition running, and that the first person to complete three challenges wins a month's worth of free drinks.
"Well, what are the challenges?" asks the man.
"First, you have to finish this bottle of moonshine in one go, without grimacing or making a sound. Next, head to the pool out back where you'll find a pet crocodile with a sore tooth. Pull that tooth and that's two done. Finally, one of our bartenders has never had an orgasm. Help her out and it's free drinks for a month!"
The man just laughs and tells the bartender he must be mad to think anyone would accept the challenge. He then finishes his beer and orders another.
As often happens, two beers turn into four, and four turn into six, and the man realises he's starting to run low on cash. Now thoroughly drunk, he weighs up his options and decides to have a crack at the challenges.
He calls for the bartender to bring the moonshine, and to everyone's astonishment, he downs the bottle without so much as flinching. He then heads straight out to the pool and a great deal of crashing, splashing and shouting can be heard through the bar. Eventually, the man staggers back in; bleeding, clothes torn and covered in mud, he asks:
"Right, now where's that barlady with the toothache?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67a0a3/a_man_goes_to_the_local_bar_for_a_quiet_drink/
%
If Jesus were alive today what kind of car would he drive?

A christlyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679zyy/if_jesus_were_alive_today_what_kind_of_car_would/
%
What do you call a woman who gets a sex change?

Amanda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679z09/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_gets_a_sex_change/
%
What do you call a major advancement made by an emo?

Cutting edge technology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679yl5/what_do_you_call_a_major_advancement_made_by_an/
%
My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy

So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679vof/my_wife_told_me_that_cooking_was_getting_very/
%
Two drunks walk out out of a bar

they both see a dog licking his asshole. One drunk looks on in envy and says "I wish i could do that". The other drunk says "You better not he bites".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679uzu/two_drunks_walk_out_out_of_a_bar/
%
What do you call a hole filled with water?

Well are you gonna answer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679s0w/what_do_you_call_a_hole_filled_with_water/
%
Wife: "I have blisters on my hands.."

Wife: "I have blisters on my hands from the broom."
Husband: "Next time take the car, silly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679qfp/wife_i_have_blisters_on_my_hands/
%
I was at a restaurant....

and the the waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?!".
I replied "I actually know the whole alphabet."
Everyone laughed except for this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679qdr/i_was_at_a_restaurant/
%
A man decides to go to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad wrap.

The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679oyu/a_man_decides_to_go_to_his_psychiatrist_wearing/
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What do you call someone born in a gym?

Weight I forgot the punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679jj6/what_do_you_call_someone_born_in_a_gym/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679jaa/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
I don't always tell dad jokes...

...but when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679dih/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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Nude beach

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679c2k/nude_beach/
%
Why does reddit hate fencing (sport)?

It's just a bunch of ripostes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679arm/why_does_reddit_hate_fencing_sport/
%
Why was the mime arrested?

He committed an unspeakable crime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6799gn/why_was_the_mime_arrested/
%
What's the best part of having a suicidal coat?

It hangs itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67978v/whats_the_best_part_of_having_a_suicidal_coat/
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What do you call an emo accapella group?

Self harmony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6792ej/what_do_you_call_an_emo_accapella_group/
%
Ever heard of that Hebrew metal band?

Guns N' Moses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/679096/ever_heard_of_that_hebrew_metal_band/
%
Without chairs

we'd have squat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678vrw/without_chairs/
%
What do girls call guys who are less than 6 feet tall?

Friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678v7h/what_do_girls_call_guys_who_are_less_than_6_feet/
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Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park...

but is better for boy to park meat in girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678u6u/confucious_say_is_good_for_girl_to_meet_boy_in/
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Why can't a nose be 12 inch long ?

Because it would be a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678t9h/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inch_long/
%
what do you call it when your side chick tattles on you?

A Hotel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678nvv/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_side_chick_tattles/
%
What does the Reddit search bar and my father have in common?

They're both white and don't work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678nny/what_does_the_reddit_search_bar_and_my_father/
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Honk if you love jesus!

The other day I went to the local religious book store and I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "Go Jesus Christ, Go!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And it's a good thing I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678l1r/honk_if_you_love_jesus/
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If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 Ball you can tell the future..

My friend Keith did it once and then said he was gonna die, and he did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678ks9/if_you_drink_the_liquid_from_a_magic_8_ball_you/
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If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested you or you're level 99 friend-zoned.

Or she hasn't spotted you behind the tree yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678hcb/if_a_girl_changes_her_clothes_in_front_of_you/
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What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678gq0/what_do_you_call_children_born_in_whorehouses/
%
Oxygen and Potassium went on a date....

It went OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678gfh/oxygen_and_potassium_went_on_a_date/
%
A Rock Band Plays 3 Chords for a 3000 Person Crowd

Where as a jazz player will play 3000 chords for a 3 person crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678eqv/a_rock_band_plays_3_chords_for_a_3000_person_crowd/
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2 spies were captured by the goverment

They both sat in the interrogation room.
The first spy whispered to the second spy "Whatever you do.... Dont say a word..."
An officer came into the room and asked "what is your name?"
The second spy just looked down for a few seconds and said "jabbaracko"
The first spy stared at the second spy angrily and whispered "what did i just say?!"
The second spy looked at the other and said "Oh when we played Scrabble you said 'thats not a word' but NOW its a word"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678d3e/2_spies_were_captured_by_the_goverment/
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"If communism doesn't work, why do you support it?"

"Because I don't work either"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678c36/if_communism_doesnt_work_why_do_you_support_it/
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I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!"

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/678b40/i_got_an_email_saying_at_google_earth_we_can_read/
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A priest goes golfing with his friend

.
His friend is not a very good golfer and always misses the hole by just a bit.
Every time this happens he gets very upset and says:
"Goddammit, such a close miss!"
This goes on for a while before the priest finally tells his friend:
"Listen, I'm a man of god and I can't stand you swearing on his name all the time - if you swear like this one more time, god will open the sky and you will be struck by lightning."
At the next hole, the priests friend misses again and screams again:
"Goddammit, such a close miss!"
Not a second after the sentence was completed, the sky opens and the priest gets struck by lightning. He is dead on the spot.
There is a short silence before a deep voice comes from the sky and says:
"Goddammit, such a close miss!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6789zn/a_priest_goes_golfing_with_his_friend/
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Why are there no WalMarts in Afghanistan?

They're all targets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6789ic/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_afghanistan/
%
Did you hear there was another overbooked united flight?

This story is much shorter and I won't drag it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6788o0/did_you_hear_there_was_another_overbooked_united/
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I spent some time at my Auntie's grave today.

Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6787wv/i_spent_some_time_at_my_aunties_grave_today/
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I'm afraid to die alone.

So I became a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67879p/im_afraid_to_die_alone/
%
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6786k6/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
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An airplane was about to crash..

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6786b3/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash/
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Cop: "Did you kill this man?"

Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6784tv/cop_did_you_kill_this_man/
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I used to be a science major in college

I was going through an experimental phase

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6784jb/i_used_to_be_a_science_major_in_college/
%
I wish teleportation was possible..

I would never get late to the airport and lose my flight again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67823g/i_wish_teleportation_was_possible/
%
How did Mace Windu die?

He fell out of a windu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6781nu/how_did_mace_windu_die/
%
I wanted to know how hard life was for women

So I dressed up as a woman and walked all around the city for the whole day. I think life is quite hard for them, when I discovered women get called a faggot all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/677zry/i_wanted_to_know_how_hard_life_was_for_women/
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A digging exploration

One day the US government decided to fund a digging exploration to explore the earth
They built a gigantic machine filled with thousands of soldiers, scientists, engineers etc
As they were digging through the earth's crust, the suddenly hit something big and had an emergency.
At that moment, everyone on board suddenly had an existential crisis.
Why? The speakers blared "This is not a drill"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/677vnu/a_digging_exploration/
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Two cavemen were chiseling on slabs of rock in a cave

Suddenly one of the cavemen shouted, "I've did it! I've discovered zero!"
The other caveman asked, "What is it?"
The first caveman replied, "Oh, nothing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/677u3x/two_cavemen_were_chiseling_on_slabs_of_rock_in_a/
%
Snow White once spilled Sprite on herself

So she started changing in front of the dwarves, then they had 7 up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/677rck/snow_white_once_spilled_sprite_on_herself/
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You are never worthless

Organs go for a lot on the black market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/677rbd/you_are_never_worthless/
%
I'm like a ninja at the gym

Cause you'll never see me there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/677q71/im_like_a_ninja_at_the_gym/
%
Why did Barty Crouch jr stop drinking.

It was making him moody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/677p66/why_did_barty_crouch_jr_stop_drinking/
%
Women smoking a cigarette at the pump

I only pass these on....
You will not believe what just happened.. I pulled into the gas station to get a coffee. When I walked up I noticed these 2 cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas... I saw her and thought, "Is she stupid?!!   With the cops right there?!"
But anyways, I went in and got my coffee.  As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming... I looked outside and the woman's arm was on fire!   She was swinging her arm around trying to get the flames to go out and running around going crazy!
I ran outside and the cops had put her on the ground and were putting the fire out with a fire blanket.
Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car... I was thinking "She shouldn't have been smoking near the pump while getting gas!"   But being the nosy person that I am, I asked the cops what they were arresting her for...
The cop looked me dead in my eyes and said ... "Waving a firearm!"
No idea if this is a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/677ozx/women_smoking_a_cigarette_at_the_pump/
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Hey girl are you the force of gravity?

Because I'd rate you a -9.8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/677mqb/hey_girl_are_you_the_force_of_gravity/
%
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a well dressed man on a tricycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/677lxe/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
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How do robots have sex?

They screw!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/677hch/how_do_robots_have_sex/
%
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?" The horse says

Alcoholism is destroying my family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/677g39/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_says_why/
%
I go to the gym so infrequently...

I have to call it the James

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/677fk5/i_go_to_the_gym_so_infrequently/
%
How are women and airplanes alike?

They both have cock pits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6777y5/how_are_women_and_airplanes_alike/
%
What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6777gp/what_do_sea_monsters_eat/
%
Why do Java engineers wear glasses?

.
.
.
Because they can't C#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6774el/why_do_java_engineers_wear_glasses/
%
This doctor is so lucky

An E.N.T. Professor retired from college. In the farewell college faculty
gifted him a silver ear.
Thanking the faculty the professor said: “Thank god I am not a gynecologist.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67739u/this_doctor_is_so_lucky/
%
Two peanuts walk into a bar.

One was a salted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6771f2/two_peanuts_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A traveling salesman is passing through a small town.

He sees a sign for a circus.  At the bottom it says “See the amazing Goldstein”. He has some time to kill, so he figures what the hell and stops in.  It’s the usual dog and pony show until the very end, when there’s a drum roll, the lights go out, and a single spot shows a table in the center ring with three walnuts on it.  A tiny little old man slowly walks up to the table, pulls out the most enormous member the salesman has ever seen, and with three mighty blows, smashes the walnuts to bits.  The crown goes crazy. The salesman leaves dumbfounded, and can’t believe what he’s seen.  Indeed, over the years, no one believes his wild tale.
20 years go by, and the salesman again finds himself passing through the same small town.  To his surprise, the now-faded sign for the circus is still there, still saying “See the amazing Goldstein”.  He’s sure the circus is out of business by now – anyway, Goldstein must be long dead – but he drives over to check it out.  Sure enough, the circus tent is still there, so he buys a ticket and goes inside.  Same acts as before, with different dogs and different ponies.  Finally, the lights go out, there’s the drum roll, and in the spotlight is a table with three large coconuts on it.  Goldstein comes out, now ancient and using a walker, and slowly makes his way to the table.  Again he pulls out his huge Johnson.  BAM BAM BAM, he smashes the coconuts to bits!  Again, the crowd goes crazy.
The salesman is so impressed go goes backstage afterwards to talk to Goldstein, and tell the old man how impressed he is.  “I saw you 20 years ago, and you smashed 3 walnuts – that was amazing.  But now…three coconuts”?!?
Goldstein sadly shakes his head and says “Yeah, sorry about that sonny, but my eyesight just isn’t what it used to be”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/676zxr/a_traveling_salesman_is_passing_through_a_small/
%
Whiteboards...

They're remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/676vjm/whiteboards/
%
[NSFW] I eat pussy like I eat my hamburgers...

People are starting to wonder why I'm crying in front of my untouched burger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/676tqa/nsfw_i_eat_pussy_like_i_eat_my_hamburgers/
%
My first high school football game was a lot like losing my virginity

I was bloody and sore by the end of it, but atleast my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/676ry8/my_first_high_school_football_game_was_a_lot_like/
%
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/676mpf/why_does_helen_keller_masturbate_with_one_hand/
%
I was about to smoke weed with a Mexican girl...

Until I asked her if she had papers, she immediately ran off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/676jvq/i_was_about_to_smoke_weed_with_a_mexican_girl/
%
I introduced my new boyfriend to my family last night

Everyone was totally fine with it except for my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/676j4k/i_introduced_my_new_boyfriend_to_my_family_last/
%
How do you get "Dick" from "Richard?

You ask politely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/676ikt/how_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
%
At the Bee Prom...

A young bee nervously flies around hoping to grab a dance with the queen bee. Finally he musters up the courage and talks to her. She looks at him and says "I'll dance with you if you get me some fruit punch"
Excited, the bee zooms to get the punch. He sees the line for nachos, the ice cream machine, the honey line, but after hours of searching he realizes...
There is no punch line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/676elc/at_the_bee_prom/
%
Why do people scream "oh God" during sex?

Because blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/676ci9/why_do_people_scream_oh_god_during_sex/
%
Thanks for explaining the word 'many' to me

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/676aeo/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
%
What do you call an overweight average ogre eating beef flavored yogurt?

A mediocre meaty ogre eating meaty yogurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/676a2h/what_do_you_call_an_overweight_average_ogre/
%
A Lonely 70-Year-Old

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow asked: “Just look at you — you have no legs!”
The old gent smiled: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
“You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: “Are you still good in bed?”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6768py/a_lonely_70yearold/
%
Rich friend and a poor friend meet a day before Valentine's Day

Poor man asks - What did you buy for your wife for valentines?
Rich man - A Mercedes C class and a diamond necklace
Poor man - why a necklace ?
Rich man - so if she doesn't like the car she can return it and keep the necklace, what did you get for yours ?
Poor man - a pair of slippers and a dildo
Rich man - why a dildo?
Poor man - so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67681n/rich_friend_and_a_poor_friend_meet_a_day_before/
%
The New Army recruit

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and tells him if he sees any germans to point the broom handle at them and shout "BANG BANG BANGITY BANG" to kill them. The recruit thinks this is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard but he has no choice so he agrees and heads out. While on patrol he comes across a German soldier. The German reaches for his rifle, so with no other option the recruit points his broom and shouts "BANGITY BANG BANG" and to his surprise the German drops dead. When he arrives back he immediately thanks the captain.
A couple of weeks went by and our guy had become quite the crackshot, even having a telescopic sight fixed to his broom. One day he was scouting the enemy position from under some bushes when he bumps into a German crawling the other way, in the cramped space he barely manages to point his broom at the German in time, so he returns to his captain and demands a weapon for close quarters combat. The captain takes a piece of string out of his drawer and tells him to hit an enemy with it and shout "STABITY STAB STAB". This time he trusts the captain and sure enough it works great.
Another couple of weeks go by and our guy is a legend. He kills dozens of Germans with his broom and string and receives several awards. One day while on patrol in a forest he sees a crazy German soldier in the distance running towards him and shouting at the top of his voice. He is pretty confident in his abilities, takes careful aim and shouts "BANG BANG BANGITY BANG" but the German keeps on coming. He aims again "BANGITY BANG BANG" and again nothing. The German is getting really close so he takes out his string, but as he swings it out and shouts "STABBITY STAB STAB" the German just runs straight into him, knocking him clear off his feet into a tree and breaking several bones. "TANKITY TANK TANK" the German continues shouting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67612t/the_new_army_recruit/
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I put my phone on airplane mode

Then it flew away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675xu5/i_put_my_phone_on_airplane_mode/
%
"Knock Knock"

-Who's there?
"Oh wait, I have my key."
-Oh wait I have my key wh.. \*gets punched in the face*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675xoc/knock_knock/
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The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War.

These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.
Why?
It's because they are Palindrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675vyn/the_former_governor_of_alaska_is_contributing_to/
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What do we want? Airplane sounds! When do we want them?

Neeeeaaaowwww!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675vk9/what_do_we_want_airplane_sounds_when_do_we_want/
%
I gave some autistic kids weed...

And now I have baked potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675pii/i_gave_some_autistic_kids_weed/
%
The word queue does't have 4 silent letters...

They are just waiting their turn.
EDIT
oh haha didN't realise this got so many upvotes thanks guys :D is there a way to edit the title for the spelling error?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675odr/the_word_queue_doest_have_4_silent_letters/
%
How can you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out.
I'll show myself out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675nl6/how_can_you_tell_if_op_has_left_the_hotel/
%
Which bird did Noah regret taking on the ark?

The woodpeckers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675mj1/which_bird_did_noah_regret_taking_on_the_ark/
%
6:30 is the best time on a clock..

..hands down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675m59/630_is_the_best_time_on_a_clock/
%
If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?

A bit more difficult

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675jd5/if_a_quiz_is_quizzical_whats_a_test/
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An early American cowboy is out surveying the west...

When he is captured by some Natice Americans.  They say, "Your people have declared war on us and as a POW, we are going to kill you...in 3 days.  But each day before that, we will grant you one wish"
He thinks and says..."For my first wish, I wish to speak to my horse".   The look perplexed, but allow him to do so.  He whispers something to his horse and it scampers away.
Hours later the horse comes back with a beautiful naked blond woman riding it.  The cowboy takes the blond into the woods and they make love all night.
On the 2nd day, the tribe grants him his 2nd wish.  He reponds "Let me speak to my horse again"  Same drill, he whispers and the horse scampers away.  This time, the horse returns with a beautiful naked red headed woman.  The cowboy takes her into the woods and they make love all night.
The next day, the tribe come to the cowboy and let  him know this is his last day on earth and his last wish.  "Let me speak to my horse one last time".
He saunters over to his horse, leans in to whisper, pulls back and smacks the horse in the face and screams..."You damn horse, I said bring me a Posse!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675ilx/an_early_american_cowboy_is_out_surveying_the_west/
%
Women are so ungrateful these days.

I try and hold the door for them but all they do is scream and tell me to get out of the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675ifm/women_are_so_ungrateful_these_days/
%
[NSFW] Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.
She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675htl/nsfw_had_sex_with_my_girlfriend_a_couple_days_ago/
%
I feel sorry for victims of necrophilia.

They're always left with blue balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675fxg/i_feel_sorry_for_victims_of_necrophilia/
%
George W. Bush visits Algeria.

As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675er0/george_w_bush_visits_algeria/
%
Where do you buy slaves these days?

The black market

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675eig/where_do_you_buy_slaves_these_days/
%
What do you call a group of Racist Wizards?

The Horcrux Clan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675dgp/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_racist_wizards/
%
What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/675bz3/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
%
Have you ever had sex while camping?

It's fucking intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6759ew/have_you_ever_had_sex_while_camping/
%
My wife doesn't know it,

but every time we have sex I put $1 in an envelope. I save that money, and plan on getting her something special for our anniversary.
So far she's getting a McChicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6757ku/my_wife_doesnt_know_it/
%
A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.
In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.
In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6753am/a_soldier_finds_a_scorpion_in_his_tent/
%
They should release Call of Duty on iPhone...

Both communities buy the same damn thing every year anyway..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67520e/they_should_release_call_of_duty_on_iphone/
%
I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite…

I ended up picking 7 Up…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6750c7/i_went_to_the_store_to_get_6_cans_of_sprite/
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Redditor vs Reposts

Louis is sick and tired of always seeing reposted jokes on Reddit. He decides to ask a local comedian for a few of his own unique jokes.
"Mr. Comedian, please could you tell me your finest, funniest, made up jokes, so that i can share them online later?"
The comedian replies
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?" Louis asks
"Ivory" says the comedian
"Ivory who!?" Louis replies with bated breath
"Ivory posted them all"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/674ys6/redditor_vs_reposts/
%
There was once an ancient Chinese Emperor...

... This emperor had a young and beautiful daughter.  One day he realized he was growing quite old, and there is a high chance he would soon die.  When he died, there would be no man to take care of his daughter.  So he set up a task for anyone in his empire.  The person who brought him the most ping pong balls within 365 days will get to marry his daughter, and be the next Emperor when he dies.  364 days went by, and not a single person showed up.  But on the 365 day, three men appeared in front of the Emperor.  The first man had 1556 ping pong balls, and everybody was certain he was going to win the challenge.  The second man empties a back-pack and shows he has 2032 ping pong balls.  Everyone was excited to see how many the third man had. The third man walks up, he has blood all over his body, cuts and scars across his face, he's missing an arm, and is breathing heavily.  He puts two giant balls on a table in front of the Emperor.
The emperor goes: "Where-where are your ping pong balls?"
To which the man responds "PING PONG BALLS?  I THOUGHT YOU SAID *KING KONGS* BALLS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/674xzt/there_was_once_an_ancient_chinese_emperor/
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They say pineapple juice can make your cum taste better

but for me it just ruins the pineapple juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/674wbw/they_say_pineapple_juice_can_make_your_cum_taste/
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What do you call this?

esgg
egsg
gseg
segg
Scrambled eggs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/674tu0/what_do_you_call_this/
%
I'm ok with marijuana, and smoking and even heroin

But cocaine is where I draw the line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/674t8y/im_ok_with_marijuana_and_smoking_and_even_heroin/
%
Why was Mary a virgin?

Because Joseph the Carpenter worked his own wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/674qzd/why_was_mary_a_virgin/
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Customer: "How much is a drop of gas?"

Gas station attendant: "A drop? Free."
Customer: "A tank of drops of gas, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/674otm/customer_how_much_is_a_drop_of_gas/
%
Did I ever tell you about my skinny friend who went to Alaska?

He came back a husky fucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/674m4i/did_i_ever_tell_you_about_my_skinny_friend_who/
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What do you call a man without a nose and a chest?

nobody knows...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/674kh6/what_do_you_call_a_man_without_a_nose_and_a_chest/
%
I heard that dolphins have vestigial legs...

It would seem evolution defeeted the porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/674k1i/i_heard_that_dolphins_have_vestigial_legs/
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Why will the flat earth society never be popular?

Because they cant get the word a round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/674ifc/why_will_the_flat_earth_society_never_be_popular/
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I read a review for this cheese grater I was buying online...

"The most violent book I've ever read" - Helen Keller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/674hq6/i_read_a_review_for_this_cheese_grater_i_was/
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Little Johnny asks his teacher

, "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
"Of course not, Johnny," she responds.
"Great, because I didn't do my homework."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6748wi/little_johnny_asks_his_teacher/
%
Two clowns are eating a cannibal...

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67477u/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
%
I really like pita bread, in fact...

It's second to Naan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6743bq/i_really_like_pita_bread_in_fact/
%
The adopted bunny

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit. It had a tendency to scurry up trees like its step-siblings instead of hopping along the ground. And it ate acorns and nuts instead of carrots. By the time it was half grown, the rabbit realized that it was different, so it went to its step-parents to discuss the problem.
He said he was unsure of his place in the universe and was generally forlorn.
His step-parents advised, "Don't scurry. Be hoppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/674017/the_adopted_bunny/
%
I saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre today

I could tell it was him because he had his back to the fuchsias.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673yf8/i_saw_michael_j_fox_at_the_garden_centre_today/
%
Three nuns are talking...

The first one says, "Do you know what I found in the Father's room the other day? A stack of pornographic magazines!"
The second nun says, "I can top that! I was in his room the other day, and I found a whole packet of condoms! I poked holes in all of them!"
"Oh shit!" the third nun says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673yb2/three_nuns_are_talking/
%
My favorite machine at the gym?

The vending machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673y92/my_favorite_machine_at_the_gym/
%
Did you hear the one about the panda who cheated people of their money?

I heard he bamboozled them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673wlj/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_panda_who_cheated/
%
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673vx3/how_do_you_get_a_sweet_little_80yearold_lady_to/
%
What did the masochist say to the sadist?

"Hit me."
What did the sadist say to the masochist?
"No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673vwm/what_did_the_masochist_say_to_the_sadist/
%
The National Guillotine Convention promoted me

I'm now the head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673ufu/the_national_guillotine_convention_promoted_me/
%
Hey, you know what's intense?

Camping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673tba/hey_you_know_whats_intense/
%
What does a dyslexic atheist with insomnia do?

Stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673swu/what_does_a_dyslexic_atheist_with_insomnia_do/
%
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Primary 3 [NSFW]

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Primary 3.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Primary 4.
I am smarter than my sister and she's in Primary 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Primary 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right.
The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Primary 4 immediately.
The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?
Boy: Pockets.
Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Madam: What goes in hard and then comes out soft and sticky?
*The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge*
Boy: Bubble gum.
Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
*The principal was looking restless*
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: O MY GOD.
Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!!
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!!..
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam,
"Send this BLOODY boy to the university...
Even I myself got all the answers wrong!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673m1e/a_female_class_teacher_was_having_a_problem_with/
%
What's the name for the emergency service for lemons?

Lemonade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673krm/whats_the_name_for_the_emergency_service_for/
%
If we're being honest, there is really only one country that has to worry about North Koreas nuclear weapons...

That country being North Korea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673kq0/if_were_being_honest_there_is_really_only_one/
%
What did the cop say when his stomach rumbled?

Stop! You're under a vest!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673j7q/what_did_the_cop_say_when_his_stomach_rumbled/
%
Wanna hear a clean joke?

Jimmy took a bath with Bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles was a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673gmm/wanna_hear_a_clean_joke/
%
Q: What happened to the plant in math class?

A: It grew square roots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673fsn/q_what_happened_to_the_plant_in_math_class/
%
What do attorneys and sperm have in common?

1 out of 3 million has the potential to be a human being

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673egi/what_do_attorneys_and_sperm_have_in_common/
%
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, ''What are we going to do?''
''Nothing,'' said Ben, ''The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673ebe/ben_went_on_safari_with_his_wife_and_motherinlaw/
%
Why did the Hen make her Rooster cross the road?

Because he was using fowl language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673cws/why_did_the_hen_make_her_rooster_cross_the_road/
%
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/673bpf/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_when_they_die/
%
A couple was walking on a beach when one tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.

“You can each have one wish,” said the genie. The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”.
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world. Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,”.
The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6738l2/a_couple_was_walking_on_a_beach_when_one_tripped/
%
Did you hear about the stoner ghost?

He got arrested for possession

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6734pt/did_you_hear_about_the_stoner_ghost/
%
How many jokes does it take for a redditor to laugh?

One original one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6734ga/how_many_jokes_does_it_take_for_a_redditor_to/
%
3+3 doesn't equal 3

But 3+3 = 3!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67334c/33_doesnt_equal_3/
%
Why are French omelettes so small?

Because to them one egg is "un oeuf"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6732u3/why_are_french_omelettes_so_small/
%
What's the German word for constipation?

FarFromPoopen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6730oz/whats_the_german_word_for_constipation/
%
Two frenchmen were strolling down a boulevard...

When one of them gasped, "Mon Dieu - here come my wife and my mistress!"
"Sacre Bleu!" Exclaimed his friend. "I was about to say the same thing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672zv3/two_frenchmen_were_strolling_down_a_boulevard/
%
The priest and the Holy Water

A priest goes to a village with a bucket full of holy water and gathered together all the women of that village. He says to them :
- If anyone of you have sinned in life, come forward and clean yourself with the holy water.
A woman stepped forward and told the priest :
-Father, i have sinned. I once touched a man's penis with my right hand.
The priest told her to put her right hand inside the bucket filled with holy water. Later on , a second woman stepped forward and said :
-Father, i have sinned. Ive touched a man's penis with both my hands.
So the father told her to put both her hands inside the bucket to clean them.
Then a third woman stepped forward and asked the priest :
-Father , can i please wash my mouth before anyone starts to wash their ass?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672yrc/the_priest_and_the_holy_water/
%
Sex is not the answer.

Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672xya/sex_is_not_the_answer/
%
How do you tell the difference between a snowman & snowoman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672v6h/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_snowman/
%
What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She's gonna *eat* me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672utz/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
%
10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120...

Don't bother me. My work here is intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672pcs/10_20_30_40_50_60_70_80_90_100_110_120/
%
Why do feminists hate the Worldwide Postal System?

Because it is a mail focused system

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672oa8/why_do_feminists_hate_the_worldwide_postal_system/
%
Scientists have discovered the new element AH

The element of suprise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672mt4/scientists_have_discovered_the_new_element_ah/
%
Some people say Canadian province names are silly.

Personally, I'll have Nunavut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672mnu/some_people_say_canadian_province_names_are_silly/
%
The first computers were made by women...

that's why computer language is so difficult to understand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672m6w/the_first_computers_were_made_by_women/
%
Next time someone complains about millennials

Remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hard-wood floors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672llx/next_time_someone_complains_about_millennials/
%
Bill Gates has a net worth of $86.9 billion

To get an estimate of how big that is, take your net worth and atdd $86.9 billion onto it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672fd1/bill_gates_has_a_net_worth_of_869_billion/
%
Stalin is giving a speech.

And someone sneezes.
Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: First row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: Second row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
Attendee, crying: "I SNEEZED!"
Stalin: Bless you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672eii/stalin_is_giving_a_speech/
%
Hospitals should allow assisted suicide.

They'd make a killing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672b9x/hospitals_should_allow_assisted_suicide/
%
If you think sex is a pain in the ass...

You're doing it wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/672azd/if_you_think_sex_is_a_pain_in_the_ass/
%
What do you call an arrogant criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6727c0/what_do_you_call_an_arrogant_criminal_going_down/
%
How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?

A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67276w/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a/
%
Introducing "All the children" jokes

Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limericks, but less strict. All jokes follow this pattern in some way:
"All the children do x, except [name]
because he/she does y."
Where y rhymes with the name. You can experiment with tense and phrasing as you like. The point is to make y as unexpected and comical in relation to x as possible. Of course, there is also the game of making these jokes as dirty and morbid as possible.
Some examples:
All the children were planned, except Jake.
His parents made a mistake.
---
All the children were tired, except Jane.
She had cocaine.
---
All the children stared into the microwave, except Jack.
He stared back.
---
All the children were swimming, except Joe.
His lungs were full of H2O.
---
All the children are loved by their parents, except Dale.
He is for sale.
---
All the children died in the school shooting, except Tim.
They'll regret not respecting him.
---
All the children were cannibals, except Lucy.
She was juicy.
---
All the children killed a terrorist, except Belle.
She killed an infidel.
---
All the children crossed the road, except Neil.
He was hit by an Oldsmobile.
---
All the children can handle explosives, except Grace.
She is all over the place.
---
Keep them coming...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6726rb/introducing_all_the_children_jokes/
%
I went 11 years without fapping...

And then I turned 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/67268h/i_went_11_years_without_fapping/
%
An old English gentleman walks into a diner in the USA

He sees the clients are either truckers or bikers and the place is a mess and has way more clients than they should, he sits down, asks for the menu and sees a large colorful print:
"Buy a meal and get a  handjob from the coo For 10$!"
He walks into the kitchen and sees a gorgeous blone, he asks
"Excuse me young lady, are you the cook who gives..."extra services"?"
"Well yes I am..." She says playfully.
"Would you be a dear then and wash your hands please? I would like an omelette"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6724p9/an_old_english_gentleman_walks_into_a_diner_in/
%
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooooooooo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6720ek/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
%
My computer said I had to change my password, so I entered “beefstew”…

My computer said, “Sorry, password not stroganoff.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671xoi/my_computer_said_i_had_to_change_my_password_so_i/
%
After a long day, I like to lie down on my bed, look up at the stars and think to myself:

Where the fuck has the roof gone?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671wj9/after_a_long_day_i_like_to_lie_down_on_my_bed/
%
What do you call a four foot tall mind-reader who escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671v29/what_do_you_call_a_four_foot_tall_mindreader_who/
%
Where did Bob go after the explosion?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671tlg/where_did_bob_go_after_the_explosion/
%
A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.
He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with  my wife".
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't love my children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a decent job".
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated  for only a moment and said
"you stand aside, I know you were not involved".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671tl1/a_man_woke_up_in_the_morning_deeply_repentant/
%
I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen…

I can feel it…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671ph1/ive_just_started_reading_my_first_ever_braille/
%
I think I might be deaf

That's a sentence I never thought I'd hear myself say

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671p4a/i_think_i_might_be_deaf/
%
I got beaten up by a Jewish guy at a Formula one circuit today

I only said that I was a part of the Mazda race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671o21/i_got_beaten_up_by_a_jewish_guy_at_a_formula_one/
%
I had no shoes and i felt sorry for myself until i saw a man with no feet.

I took his shoes now i feel better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671mjd/i_had_no_shoes_and_i_felt_sorry_for_myself_until/
%
simple rule

Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"
Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671mjf/simple_rule/
%
Piracy is killing the music industry

I mean, have you tried playing guitar with a hook?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671mf9/piracy_is_killing_the_music_industry/
%
Why is "Dick" short for Richard?

Genetics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671mf3/why_is_dick_short_for_richard/
%
marriage year

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671lxj/marriage_year/
%
Carl opened a zoo.

Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.
Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.
So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.
Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671l0l/carl_opened_a_zoo/
%
My friend once got an invite to a party that said "black tie only"

But when he got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671kxc/my_friend_once_got_an_invite_to_a_party_that_said/
%
it's too long

Man: "Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Oh never mind, it's too long."
Woman: "Want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you'll never get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671kvq/its_too_long/
%
Social Security sex

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671kg0/social_security_sex/
%
A friend pushed me on to some train tracks and said it was a joke.

I didn't get it, but then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671jz9/a_friend_pushed_me_on_to_some_train_tracks_and/
%
Why don't skeletons fight each other?

They don't have the guts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671jte/why_dont_skeletons_fight_each_other/
%
Don't break anybody's heart

; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671j5f/dont_break_anybodys_heart/
%
My new 1000 watt sound system is great!

I can control the volume of my neighbor's banging on my door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671ixp/my_new_1000_watt_sound_system_is_great/
%
Where do edgy teens come from?

Angsterdam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671h2g/where_do_edgy_teens_come_from/
%
What was Lenin's favourite book?

The Fault in our Tsars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671gj1/what_was_lenins_favourite_book/
%
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your front porch?

Matt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671f15/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
Everyone should try sex in a tent at least once...

It's fucking intense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671dmn/everyone_should_try_sex_in_a_tent_at_least_once/
%
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had...

He started counting the sheep, but then he fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671dbk/i_asked_my_welsh_friend_how_many_sexual_partners/
%
What do you call a man with fifteen cats?

Claude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671cjp/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_fifteen_cats/
%
Last night, a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82…

I’m easily lead…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6719bc/last_night_a_hypnotist_convinced_me_i_was_a_soft/
%
How do you make golden soup?

Add 24 karats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/671396/how_do_you_make_golden_soup/
%
What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all your devices & accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6712is/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
%
Ask Jeeves

A rich married couple went out to a fancy dinner, leaving their butler Jeeves behind.
Halfway through the dinner the wife excuses herself and tells her husband she'll see him at home later.
Jeeves is suprised to see the wife home so early. She smiles and then directs him to her bedroom.
Once they're both in the bedroom the wife gets close to Jeeves and asks him softly to remove her dress for her.
He does so.
She then leans closer to Jeeves and gently asks if he could take off her bra and panties.
As asked Jeeves removes the bra and panties of his master's wife without hesitation.
The wife leans close enough to whisper into Jeeves ear, "Now don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670zr1/ask_jeeves/
%
There are three types of people

, those who can count and those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670xuj/there_are_three_types_of_people/
%
What's the difference between America and Canada?

The Americans have really nice neighbors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670vvf/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_canada/
%
I was walking down thenstreet and saw a homeless man

Being the generous person I am, I gave him a dollar
I walked a little further and found a homeless woman. Being the generous person I am, I gave her 76 cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670vsf/i_was_walking_down_thenstreet_and_saw_a_homeless/
%
What's the difference between a cult and a religion?

In a cult there is one guy at the top who knows that it's all bullshit, in a religion that guy is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670upl/whats_the_difference_between_a_cult_and_a_religion/
%
A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists.

The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.
Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.
When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing. They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells, "Fire!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670ukw/a_blonde_and_a_redhead_are_taken_hostage_by/
%
I dated a cross-eyed girl once, but it didn't end well.

Turned out she was seeing other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670ts1/i_dated_a_crosseyed_girl_once_but_it_didnt_end/
%
Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?

A barber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670s84/who_can_shave_25_times_a_day_and_still_have_a/
%
The first time I heard about Neo Nazis, I was confused because of The Matrix

I was like, "There's no way Neo could be a Nazi! He lives in a place called Zion and most of his friends are black!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670qez/the_first_time_i_heard_about_neo_nazis_i_was/
%
Best part about watching golf

Is taking a nap and having people clap and cheer for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670o8x/best_part_about_watching_golf/
%
An atom loses an electron...

It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670kms/an_atom_loses_an_electron/
%
What did the seven dwarfs say when the Prince awoke Snow White?

"Guess it's back to jerking off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670f3b/what_did_the_seven_dwarfs_say_when_the_prince/
%
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670cwi/the_oldest_computer_can_be_traced_back_to_adam/
%
Why did the coffee burn the hipster?

Because it was hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670c1m/why_did_the_coffee_burn_the_hipster/
%
A preacher was an avid golfer.

Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at that preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." God smiled and said, "Who's he gonna tell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/670as0/a_preacher_was_an_avid_golfer/
%
What's the talent show where the contestants do basically nothing?

"American Idle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6709zk/whats_the_talent_show_where_the_contestants_do/
%
I took a job at a zoo performing elephant circumcisions

The benefits aren't great, but the tips are huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6709fk/i_took_a_job_at_a_zoo_performing_elephant/
%
A car is speeding on the highway going insanely over the speed limit...

A cop spots the car and proceeds to chase him. Eventually he catches up with him and pulls him over. The cop goes to the driver's window and asks 'License and registration please?' The guy says: 'I don't have any, this is a stolen car.' The cop says: 'Let me see the glove compartment' and the guy says: 'I have a gun in there', the cop says 'I need you to step out of the car and open the trunk' and the guy says: 'I have a dead body'. At this point the cop tells him to remain in his vehicle and radioes for assistance. Big police reinforcements arrived and the Chief himself goes to the car, and asks 'License and registration?' The guy says 'here you go' and hands the paperwork. 'Open the glove compartment', he does and is empty except for a few chunks of paper. 'Open the trunk please', the guy pulls the switch and an empty trunk opens. 'Sir' the Chief says, 'my officer here said this was a stolen car, you were armed and had a dead body in the trunk of the car.' 'That lying bastard- he says- I bet the son of a bitch told you I was speeding too!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6707k3/a_car_is_speeding_on_the_highway_going_insanely/
%
What's the worst part of eating rabbit?

Their little legs kicking you in the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6706s8/whats_the_worst_part_of_eating_rabbit/
%
I bought some shoes from a ginger

Unfortunately they had no sole...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6703ws/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_ginger/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong pair of socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66zzw2/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky...

you’re a fuquing quoqusuquer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66zvb6/whoever_decided_to_spell_it_albuquerque_instead/
%
Bob has no arms and no legs. Knock knock.

It's probably not Bob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66zs6h/bob_has_no_arms_and_no_legs_knock_knock/
%
Welcome to the suspense hotline.

Please hold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66zryx/welcome_to_the_suspense_hotline/
%
Any girl is a squirter...

if you sever an artery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66zori/any_girl_is_a_squirter/
%
If I wrote a book about menstruation...

would it be called a period piece?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66zk0b/if_i_wrote_a_book_about_menstruation/
%
What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66zje2/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_a_twitch/
%
What do you call competitors of McDonald's?

Arch enemies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66zh1y/what_do_you_call_competitors_of_mcdonalds/
%
What do you get when you drop your waffle at the beach?

San Diego

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66zghz/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_your_waffle_at_the/
%
Why is Helen Keller such a bad driver?

Because she's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66zfk6/why_is_helen_keller_such_a_bad_driver/
%
How do you know when mutton has expired?

It tastes baa-d.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66zcyk/how_do_you_know_when_mutton_has_expired/
%
My friend had the worst case of onomatopoeia last week.

Don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66zcc5/my_friend_had_the_worst_case_of_onomatopoeia_last/
%
What happens when a DJ is playing a song with a small bass drop?

The crowd goes mild.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66zae3/what_happens_when_a_dj_is_playing_a_song_with_a/
%
Is sex a joke?

Because I don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66z8nr/is_sex_a_joke/
%
What is Hitler's theme song?

Don't Jew Forget About Me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66z85n/what_is_hitlers_theme_song/
%
Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his friend and a cooking pot

They are both cauldron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66z5j4/why_cant_harry_potter_tell_the_difference_between/
%
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

Because he hated Capitalism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66z2vi/why_did_stalin_only_write_in_lowercase/
%
Dumb kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66z1w0/dumb_kid/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66z1mr/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Martha

Dale and Martha have been getting along in years, and Dale has become more and more concerned with his wife's worsening hearing loss.
One day, while she is working in the garden he decides to give her a little test.
He steps out onto the porch and says "Martha" she doesn't respond.
He takes ten steps towards her and says "Martha" still nothing.
He takes another 10 steps and again says "Martha!"
She turns around and yells "FOR THE THIRD TIME WHAT?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66z1au/martha/
%
When my wife starts to sing,

I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66yy0i/when_my_wife_starts_to_sing/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66yxz5/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
My girlfriend told me to stop listening to Wonderwall

I said maybe..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66yvz3/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_stop_listening_to/
%
"Look at this!" I said to my roommate

"What happened?" he replied
"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said
"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66yrx0/look_at_this_i_said_to_my_roommate/
%
What do you call ten whales playing musical instruments?

An orca-stra 😊

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66yo1y/what_do_you_call_ten_whales_playing_musical/
%
Why do people cheer when they reach the Finland border?

It's the Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ym5i/why_do_people_cheer_when_they_reach_the_finland/
%
A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "come in! We have a magic ashtray that will grant one wish if you buy a pint"

He walks in to a swanky piano lounge which, interestingly, had a dwarf playing the piano.
He buys a pint and the bartender tells him to hold the ashtray and make his wish.
He squints and makes his wish. Suddenly a million ducks start swarming out from behind the bar and begin to cause total chaos.
The man yells to the bartender over the noise "I wished for a million BUCKS not DUCKS!!!"
The bartender yelled back "do you think I wished for a 3 foot pianist!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ylx4/a_guy_sees_a_sign_outside_a_bar_that_says_come_in/
%
A penguin is driving through the desert one day

And suddenly smoke starts pouring from his engine, he manages to get the car to the nearest town, and gets it to a garage - the mechanic tells him he'll take a look, but it might be a while.
He decides, because he's a penguin, and he's in the desert, there's nothing he'd like more than a lovely big bowl of ice cream, so he crosses the street to a diner and orders a big bowl of vanilla.
But being a penguin, he doesn't have hands, just flippers, so he picks up the bowl and starts pecking away getting the ice cream everywhere - he finishes the ice cream finally and heads back to find out what's wrong with his car.
He says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what was wrong?"
The mechanic says "Looks like you've blown a seal"
The penguin replies "No, no It's just ice cream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66yk25/a_penguin_is_driving_through_the_desert_one_day/
%
Never discuss π with a mathematician...

You'll never hear the end of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66yj7g/never_discuss_π_with_a_mathematician/
%
They say quitting smoking is the easiest thing on the world

That's why I've done it a million times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66yddy/they_say_quitting_smoking_is_the_easiest_thing_on/
%
Tennis players are the most heartless kinds of people.

Because to them, love means nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ycqt/tennis_players_are_the_most_heartless_kinds_of/
%
My friend said "Rest in Rip" to me earlier

It was complete overkill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66y6qx/my_friend_said_rest_in_rip_to_me_earlier/
%
I had this phone conversation the other day.

Me: “Consider this: like, right now, as we speak, there are human beings, like you and me, living in outer space. How crazy it is that we, as the human race, have collectively gathered the resources and technology required to haul dozens of tons of materials, entire habitats, up 350 thousand kilometers above the surface, capable of sustaining human beings. Out there, beyond the safety of our atmosphere there's always half a dozen or so humans living, sleeping, eating and doing all sorts of crazy scientific experiments. The farthest human community that has ever been created, distanced from the closest human contact by the vacuum of inhospitable space. And the greatest feat of all, as if to mock nature and evolution in their own faces, those people have internet connection!”
That was when Comcast's support hung up on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66y5c9/i_had_this_phone_conversation_the_other_day/
%
Babies are like pancakes

You have every right to throw the first one away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66y59l/babies_are_like_pancakes/
%
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66y51z/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
What's the difference between a Tupperware store and the gay male community?

In a Tupperware store, there's an equal number of tops and bottoms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66y3o5/whats_the_difference_between_a_tupperware_store/
%
A stoned bird

was flying when it hit a moving car. The driver stopped, found the bird and took it home to treat it. When the bird is awake in his new cage, he looked around and thought: the jail?!! Did the driver die?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66y0nl/a_stoned_bird/
%
A man asks his wife...

A man asks his wife: "Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She replies: "Because I don't want to disturb you at work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66y0h9/a_man_asks_his_wife/
%
Did you know condoms have a serial number at the very bottom of the ring?

I guess you never had to roll it down that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xzzf/did_you_know_condoms_have_a_serial_number_at_the/
%
What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xubq/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk/
%
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?

With little Caesar's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xqkm/how_did_kids_in_ancient_rome_get_their_hair_cut/
%
How God Works

A priest is caught up in a church alone during a flash flood.
He goes up to the roof where he sits and prays. Whilst praying, a jeep passes by the church and people are calling out to him: “Hey priest, get in the car! We can save you!”
To this the priest replies : “No! only God will save me!”
So, he carries on praying as the water begins to rise. Eventually, the water is now almost level with the roof. Soon after, a boat passes by and the man inside the boat yells : “Hey priest, get in the boat! I can save you!”
To this the priest replies again : “**No! only God will save me!**”
Not much long after, the priest is now submerged in the water, struggling to survive but still praying. However, a helicopter soon arrives to save the day. The man in the helicopter shouts out “Hey priest! Get in the helicopter, we can save you!”
The priest replies for a third and final time : “****No! only God will save me!****”
Soon after, the priest dies and finds himself standing outside the pearly gates. God is standing there staring at the priest and out of the silence the priest yelps “God, I prayed and prayed and prayed! Why didn’t you save me?”
Evidently annoyed, God replies “I SENT YOU A JEEP, A BOAT AND A BLOODY HELICOPTER! WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO DO???”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xq0e/how_god_works/
%
My girlfriend and I laugh at how competitive we are.

but I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xpwu/my_girlfriend_and_i_laugh_at_how_competitive_we/
%
Do you know any Indian food jokes?

Because I know Naan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xnis/do_you_know_any_indian_food_jokes/
%
My doctor asked me if I was ready for my weekly trepanation

Yes. I know the drill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xmxt/my_doctor_asked_me_if_i_was_ready_for_my_weekly/
%
I love the way the Earth spins on its axis.

it always makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xkc5/i_love_the_way_the_earth_spins_on_its_axis/
%
I know they call it a "period..."

But most of the time, it feels like a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xihp/i_know_they_call_it_a_period/
%
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xi78/a_little_girl_and_boy_are_fighting_about_the/
%
A police officer pulls over a driver...

and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xfs3/a_police_officer_pulls_over_a_driver/
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I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account.

Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xeq9/i_have_an_addiction_to_having_lots_of_money_in_my/
%
The computer scientist failed when trying to hit on his waitress

ERROR: Connection to server not found

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xdic/the_computer_scientist_failed_when_trying_to_hit/
%
I heard most Japanese men have cataracts

It's not true, some of them drive Rincons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xctb/i_heard_most_japanese_men_have_cataracts/
%
Dead baby jokes.....

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66xbv1/dead_baby_jokes/
%
I have 2 dogs, the first is called one and the second is called two.

If one dies, I still have two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66x4fz/i_have_2_dogs_the_first_is_called_one_and_the/
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Our local planned parenthood refuses to provide homeless women with abortions.

They say beggars can't be choosers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66x2e1/our_local_planned_parenthood_refuses_to_provide/
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Why are New Yorkers so skeptical about everything?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66x0rt/why_are_new_yorkers_so_skeptical_about_everything/
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Artie the dumb robber

So Artie goes into a store to rob them and is surprised by the checker so he chokes her to death and makes off with a dollar. As he's walking out he's surprised by a customer so he chokes her to death as well. On the street he runs into a bicyclist so he knocks him off the bike and chokes him to death. The next day the newspaper headline reads 'Artie chokes three for a dollar'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wzqi/artie_the_dumb_robber/
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A place got lit on fire

But the firefighters were too late to reach and put it out. Media arrived as well to which one of the firefighter giving report said, "I've got a good news and a bad news, the bad news is, 41 children died in that fire. But the good news is it was an orphanage, so I have no parents to notify"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wzf0/a_place_got_lit_on_fire/
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What idiot called it an engagement ring...

When he could've called it a Kneel Diamond?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wy4l/what_idiot_called_it_an_engagement_ring/
%
Alone Guys and Girls

The known universe is made up of 50,000,000,000 galaxies. There are between 100,000,000,000 and 1,000,000,000,000 stars in a normal galaxy. In the Milky Way alone there might be as many 100 billion Earth-like planets. Still think you’re alone?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wy2u/alone_guys_and_girls/
%
Blueberry Hills

A boy walks into school naked, and he is late. "How come you are late?", asks the teacher. "I was on top of Blueberry Hills", says the boy.
The next day, a different boy walks into school naked and he is late. "You're the second one in a row, how come you are late?", says the teacher getting more frustrated now. "I was on top of Blueberry Hills", says the boy.
The next day a girl walks into school naked and she is late. "Let me guess, you were on top of Blueberry Hills?", asks the teacher annoyed. "No, I am Blueberry Hills".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wxo4/blueberry_hills/
%
"How can you watch porn but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked

" The same way I watch Formula 1 whole weekend but still drive my 2002 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..
That satisfied her...
*I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wwt0/how_can_you_watch_porn_but_still_claim_you_love/
%
NASA Scientists say its possible to live on Mars.

Bullshit, I tried it and now I'm 15Kg heavier and diabetic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wwob/nasa_scientists_say_its_possible_to_live_on_mars/
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What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A-mean-o acid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wvex/what_do_you_call_an_acid_with_an_attitude/
%
Two clowns are eating a cannibal

One turns to the other and says, "Wait. I think we are doing this wrong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wtyn/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
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Why'd Batman stop working with his first partner?

He was too much of a dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wtbo/whyd_batman_stop_working_with_his_first_partner/
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What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wt6y/what_do_you_do_if_you_come_across_a_tiger_in_the/
%
Thank you so much student loans!

I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wpop/thank_you_so_much_student_loans/
%
My girlfriend was cheating on me

I called her and she said she was at the mall with her friend Angela. But Angela was laying right next to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wnl1/my_girlfriend_was_cheating_on_me/
%
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wmas/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
%
What's the difference between a holiday in America and a holiday in Saudi-Arabia?

In America, you have sex and get stoned
In Saudi-Arabia, you have sex and get stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wiei/whats_the_difference_between_a_holiday_in_america/
%
A man goes to get his passport renewed...

He goes to the counter and is jotting down his personal information.
"Alright sir, can I have your full name please?"
"Pepepeter Bbbbbbbbryant"
"Excuse me, sir, are you a stutterer? "
"No, ma'am, my father was a stutterer, and the guy who made my birth certificate, an asshole".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wi07/a_man_goes_to_get_his_passport_renewed/
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Mugger: Give me all your stuff or you're science!

Me: Don't you mean history?
Mugger: Don't try to change the subject!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wh4w/mugger_give_me_all_your_stuff_or_youre_science/
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A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wfyq/a_poker_player_wins_one_million_dollars_first/
%
What did the Indian boy said to his mum before he left for school?

Mumbai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wfsk/what_did_the_indian_boy_said_to_his_mum_before_he/
%
Why hasn't there been a black pope?

Because black men are afraid of being fathers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wcos/why_hasnt_there_been_a_black_pope/
%
Whenever I email Stevie Wonder

I use the BCC field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wckt/whenever_i_email_stevie_wonder/
%
Two house fires break out at noon on a Wednesday and destroys two families' homes. One family lives in a capitalist country and the other lives in a socialist country. Though the fires were nearly identical, only the family living in the socialist country dies in the fire...

Because in the capitalist country, the parents had jobs and the kids were in school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66wb6f/two_house_fires_break_out_at_noon_on_a_wednesday/
%
How Long is a Chinese man

We went to school together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66waal/how_long_is_a_chinese_man/
%
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.

The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pińata?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66w97k/two_guys_are_bungeejumping_one_day/
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All in a day's work in jornalism

A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned to write a human interest story, so he went up into the mountains were he found an old farmer sitting on his porch. He introduced himself, explained his mission, and asked, "Has anything ever happened here that made you really happy?"The farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor"s daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and went to look for her, and when we found her, we all took turns to screw her." "I can"t print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can"t you think of anything else that happened, which made you happy?"The farmer thought for a while longer, then smiled. "Yep! One time a neighbor"s sheep got lost. We formed a posse to look for it, and when we found it, we all took turns to screw it." Again, the young man said "I can"t print that, either! Let"s try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?" The old farmer dropped his head in shame. After a couple of seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66w8mq/all_in_a_days_work_in_jornalism/
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A boy ask his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?”

The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!”
He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!”
When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66w8d4/a_boy_ask_his_dad_whats_the_difference_between/
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When is a pixie not a pixie?

When she's got her head down an elf's pants, then she's a goblin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66w6a1/when_is_a_pixie_not_a_pixie/
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Little Johnny - I like the way you think.

While little johnny is sitting in his 5th grade classroom the teach decides to ask him a math question.
"Johnny, if they're six birds on a fence, and you shoot two of them, how many are left?"
"None; says johnny, After you shoot the first two the rest would fly away!"
"No, the answer is 4, but I like the way you think."
"Teacher, can I ask a question?"
"Sure."
"There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is chewing, one is licking and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
"The one sucking the cone." The teacher said
"No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66w5v5/little_johnny_i_like_the_way_you_think/
%
Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66w0fy/why_is_ground_beef_so_popular/
%
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66vx18/i_tried_to_share_a_bag_of_chips_with_a_homeless/
%
Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66vult/why_do_midgets_laugh_when_they_run/
%
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

You mean a martini? the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, if I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66vudk/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_martinus/
%
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66vtji/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
%
Mortician's Big Discovery

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" She screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66vt9x/morticians_big_discovery/
%
4 old ladies are pulled over on the highway...

They're pulled over, because they're only going 17 mph, which isn't safe on a highway. The cop points this out to the one driving, and she says,
"Oh I'm sorry, officer. I thought that was the speed limit."
"No, that was the highway number. The speed limit is 80 mph, but you have to go at least 45 mph."
"Thank you officer."
Just then, the cop looks at the backseat, where the other three old ladies are. They're very pale, and shuddering, with scared looks on their faces. None of them are moving, and they're practically hyperventilating.
"What happened to them?" The cop asked.
"Oh, you'll have to excuse them, officer," the driver explains. "We just got off of highway 124."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66vs6q/4_old_ladies_are_pulled_over_on_the_highway/
%
An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight...

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.
The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he'd like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.
The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores!" he shouts back.
The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says "I'll have what he's having".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66vrcb/an_irishman_and_a_muslim_are_sat_next_to_each/
%
My friend held a bottle of water above his head, started counting and breathing heavily

I asked him what he was doing and he said "practising breathing underwater"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66vncs/my_friend_held_a_bottle_of_water_above_his_head/
%
I tried catching a jar of fog today

I mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66vn7n/i_tried_catching_a_jar_of_fog_today/
%
i wrote a book about foreskin

But it got pulled back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66vlsd/i_wrote_a_book_about_foreskin/
%
Why did Barty Crouch Jr stop drinking?

It was making him moody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66vgsu/why_did_barty_crouch_jr_stop_drinking/
%
Three friends stood in a field

Three friends, Jack, John and Jim were standing in a field, chatting. Overhead, a military plane flew past. On the plane were three soldiers. The first threw an apple out of the plane. "It's rotten," the lad claimed. The second threw an orange out of the window. "It's too sour," he spat. The third threw a grenade out of the craft. "It's a dud," he firmly stated.
Down below, two of the boys were crying while one was laughing hysterically. John asked Jack, rubbing his head, "Why are you crying?", to which the latter replied, "An apple hit me." Then Jack asked John, "Why are you crying too?", and he replied, "An orange hit me." Both of them turned to Jim, who was doubled over laughing. They both asked, "Why are you laughing?" Jim, still in an uncontrollable fit of laughter, said, "That building over there exploded when I farted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66vewn/three_friends_stood_in_a_field/
%
A guy walks into a diner on the side of the road

The place is really old and messy, but he was hungry from the road so he sat at the table and ordered spaghetti with meatballs.
After a while the waitress gives him the order, and he saw a bunch of thick hairs on some of the meatballs.
He calls the waitress "Hey miss, there are a bunch of hairs in my food, I know it's not supposed to be the cleanest place but what the hell?!"
The waitress apologizes, "I'm sorry sir, it's just that our chef is a vet who lost his arm in Afghanistan, he's a great cook and very creative so we let him work here, but since he only has one arm he has to shape them on his chest, and probably hairs that poke out stick to them."
Suddenly a dude who sat nearly says:"If that's your chef's creativity then please cancel my order of donuts, I'm scared of how he makes the holes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ve1g/a_guy_walks_into_a_diner_on_the_side_of_the_road/
%
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail…

But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66v891/i_wanted_to_marry_my_english_teacher_when_she_got/
%
THE salesman story.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66v779/the_salesman_story/
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What is the highest form of flattery?

.......
A plateau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66v72z/what_is_the_highest_form_of_flattery/
%
If two vegetarians get into a fight, would it still be called a beef?

Not sure, depends on what's at steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66v18f/if_two_vegetarians_get_into_a_fight_would_it/
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Never open up your heart to a cardiac surgeon...

Let them do it for you. It's their job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66v0ps/never_open_up_your_heart_to_a_cardiac_surgeon/
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Why do Mexicans suck at playing Uno?

They always keep all the green cards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66uzgm/why_do_mexicans_suck_at_playing_uno/
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I took a bird back to my house the other night

. “Why are all of these photos turned the other way?” she asked, confused.
“They’re pictures of my wife,” I replied. “They’re just too painful to look at.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she stammered, “I didn’t know. How did it happen, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Both of her parents were ugly,” I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66uygl/i_took_a_bird_back_to_my_house_the_other_night/
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I'm not saying she's a slut...

...but every time the doorbell rings, she says "Thank you" to the computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66uybu/im_not_saying_shes_a_slut/
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What noise do you make when you eat Vietnamese food?

Nom Nom
My little brother just told me that joke. He's an asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66uxqu/what_noise_do_you_make_when_you_eat_vietnamese/
%
The person who discovered Uranus

Went down in the anals of history

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66uxbz/the_person_who_discovered_uranus/
%
A rookie cop is sent to monitor a speed trap for hours...

Finally near the end of his shift a car blows by at 80 mph. He pulls over a teenager and tells him, "I waited all day for you to get here."
The teenager replies: "I got here as fast as I could."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ut3l/a_rookie_cop_is_sent_to_monitor_a_speed_trap_for/
%
What do you call a fake sudoku?

A pseudo-ku.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66urnq/what_do_you_call_a_fake_sudoku/
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You can tell who runs the country by the amount of clothes they wear. Regular people can't afford too much, they are the less-ons

...and the people who run the country are the more-ons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66upxp/you_can_tell_who_runs_the_country_by_the_amount/
%
I tried to help an old lady across the street.

She told me she had a boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66umcb/i_tried_to_help_an_old_lady_across_the_street/
%
Nobody appreciates the paintings I do in public restrooms....

They all say it just looks like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66uj82/nobody_appreciates_the_paintings_i_do_in_public/
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I like my woman how I like my coffee

Too hot to stick my dick in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66uh97/i_like_my_woman_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
What's the difference between catholic priests and pimples?

Pimples wait until you're a teen to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ugcs/whats_the_difference_between_catholic_priests_and/
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A guy walks into a bar ,

And he  sees a horse with a bucket around its neck, it is filled to the brim with $20 bills. So he asked the bartender "What's the deal with that horse over there?" The bartender says "If you can make the horse laugh you get all the money in the bucket." So the guy walks up and whispers into the horses ear, he then walks away counting the money and laughing. The guy comes back in a week later and sees the same horse, with the same bucket around his neck. So the guy asks the bartender "What's the deal this time?" So the bartender says  l"This time you have to make him cry." So the guy walks up to the horse and whispers into his ear, him and the horse go outside,  the guy walks back in counting the money and laughing.  The bartender says "Hey hold on a fucking second, what did you do to my horse?" The guy responds: "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his, the second time I showed him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66udyd/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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I know a guy addicted to drinking brake fluid...

I'm worried about him, but he insists he can stop anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ubhi/i_know_a_guy_addicted_to_drinking_brake_fluid/
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I went to a restaurant.

Every table was occupied with couples,
there was no seat vacant.
I took out my phone and said loudly
"Dude, your girlfriend is here with someone else. Come here fast."
9 girls left their seats for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66u967/i_went_to_a_restaurant/
%
Little known fact: Michael Caine tried to make it as a pimp, providing prostitutes for rock stars.

It didn't work out, though. One girl was hired to perform oral sex on Jim Morrison and his band mates but she ended up at a festival shagging every musician. Caine reprimanded her severely, telling her "YOU WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF!"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66u6p7/little_known_fact_michael_caine_tried_to_make_it/
%
Why didn't the coast guard save the hippie?

He was just too far out there, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66u4vi/why_didnt_the_coast_guard_save_the_hippie/
%
Marriage is an institution of three rings.

Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66u411/marriage_is_an_institution_of_three_rings/
%
I wish my lawn was emo.

Because then it would cut itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66u1ed/i_wish_my_lawn_was_emo/
%
What do a Deja vu and a joke on reddit have in common?

You've seen it already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66u0ak/what_do_a_deja_vu_and_a_joke_on_reddit_have_in/
%
Roses are red

Violets are blue
Pornhub is down
Your Facebook will do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66tzs9/roses_are_red/
%
What's the difference between a doctor and an architect?

An architect's mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66txp4/whats_the_difference_between_a_doctor_and_an/
%
Please have my babies.

I am so disappointed in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66toe4/please_have_my_babies/
%
A woman walks in on her husband performing anal sex on his secretary. The wife screams, "You can't do this to me!" The husband says...

"I know. That's why I'm doing it to her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66tlpf/a_woman_walks_in_on_her_husband_performing_anal/
%
Will plexiglass coffins become popular?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66tf61/will_plexiglass_coffins_become_popular/
%
Why are people in wheelchairs so chill?

They roll with the punches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66tdcu/why_are_people_in_wheelchairs_so_chill/
%
Officer: I'm sorry to say, it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck...

Me: Yeah but she has a good personality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66tcs7/officer_im_sorry_to_say_it_looks_like_your/
%
Girl, are you a 3D movie?

Because you're too expensive and giving me a headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66t67z/girl_are_you_a_3d_movie/
%
How did the egg get up the mountain?

It scrambled up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66t674/how_did_the_egg_get_up_the_mountain/
%
A guy walks into a public bathroom....

There's another guy standing at the urinals that has no arms.
The guy with no arms says:
"Hey, man, can you do me a favor?"
"Sure," he replies.
"Could you unzip my pants and pull it out for me?" says the armless man.
The guys looks around and sees nobody.
"Sure," he says and completes the request.
"Could you hold it for me?" asks the armless man.
He looks around and sees nobody
"Sure," he says and completes the request.
"Could you put it back in and zip me back up?" asks the armless man.
"Sure," he says and completes the request.
He takes a step back and looks at the armless man.
"What was that green stuff all over your penis?" he asks.
"I don't know," says the man as he slides his arms out from his shirt. "I just didn't wanna touch it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66t61h/a_guy_walks_into_a_public_bathroom/
%
How to make Emo Cupcakes

What You'll need:
Cupcake Tray
An oven
Milk
Butter
Eggs
Flour
Sugar
We're
Going
Down
Swingin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66t54z/how_to_make_emo_cupcakes/
%
“I am a master of fast calculations.”

-
“OK, what is 758 time 642 divided by 5?”
-
“22!”
-
“Ha ha, that’s wrong!”
-
“Might be, but it was fast!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66t539/i_am_a_master_of_fast_calculations/
%
What does captain Picard say when he's getting frisky with a woman?

The captain's log... is ready for entry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66t20c/what_does_captain_picard_say_when_hes_getting/
%
What's the female equivalent of a circlejerk?

The View

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66t1x4/whats_the_female_equivalent_of_a_circlejerk/
%
To the guy who invented Zero

Thanks for nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66szun/to_the_guy_who_invented_zero/
%
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66szav/when_i_lost_my_rifle_the_army_charged_me_85/
%
Q: When should you worry during a prostate exam?

A: When both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66sy9z/q_when_should_you_worry_during_a_prostate_exam/
%
Do you have a vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow so I can be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66svdq/do_you_have_a_vagina/
%
Blind guy walks into a supermarket...

Starts swinging his dog around his head.
Shop keeper says: "What're you doing?"
Blind guy says "just having a look around"
Credit: Billy Connolly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66su6b/blind_guy_walks_into_a_supermarket/
%
I walked by a psychic's shop today and noticed they had their hours of business posted.

You'd think they would just show up when they knew someone was coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66st0g/i_walked_by_a_psychics_shop_today_and_noticed/
%
To all the people who've been ritually sacrificed by Aztec kings...

My heart goes out to you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ssee/to_all_the_people_whove_been_ritually_sacrificed/
%
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.

Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66snvl/a_canadian_psychologist_is_selling_a_video_that/
%
How do police solve problems in the streets?

troubleshooting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66sj4w/how_do_police_solve_problems_in_the_streets/
%
Did you know what when you say "poop", your lips move in the same direction your asshole does when you shit?

Well, same can be said with explosive diarrhea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66sepl/did_you_know_what_when_you_say_poop_your_lips/
%
What do you call an excited fire?

Stoked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66sdzm/what_do_you_call_an_excited_fire/
%
There once was a fellow named Lee

Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
She said stop your plumbing,
I hear someone coming.
He said no one is coming but me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66sduj/there_once_was_a_fellow_named_lee/
%
When I was born I was circumcised...

It hurts so bad I didn't walk for year. In fact, I was so upset with my parents I didn't talk to them for like 18 months!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66s9uv/when_i_was_born_i_was_circumcised/
%
A wife gets naked...

…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66s6jw/a_wife_gets_naked/
%
Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?

Because they don't believe in higher powers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66s4aq/why_cant_atheists_solve_exponential_equations/
%
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…

It was a horrible way to start a game of Scrabble…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66s454/i_was_given_mdma_and_lsd_tonight/
%
Why did they cancel basketball in the Special Olympics?

All the players kept getting disqualified for excessive dribbling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66s0gp/why_did_they_cancel_basketball_in_the_special/
%
How can you tell if a ballerina hasn't taken a bath in a while?

She does a split and sticks to the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66s020/how_can_you_tell_if_a_ballerina_hasnt_taken_a/
%
The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ruaf/the_nintendo_64_turns_18_this_week/
%
Why did "Star Wars" episodes 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?

In charge of planning, Yoda was!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66rt92/why_did_star_wars_episodes_4_5_and_6_come_before/
%
A woman goes into a pharmacy

She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66rsss/a_woman_goes_into_a_pharmacy/
%
A statue of a women and a man stood looking at each other for hundreds or years

One day a wizard, feeling bad for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes.
Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all types of weird sounds and moans from there.
After a while they came back out, giggling.
The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue said "Ok, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66rmut/a_statue_of_a_women_and_a_man_stood_looking_at/
%
What kind of bees makes milk?

Boobees
I'll walk my self out thank you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66rksz/what_kind_of_bees_makes_milk/
%
I asked my mother if by any chance I was adopted.

She said:
Hilarious. Why would we choose you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66rjh2/i_asked_my_mother_if_by_any_chance_i_was_adopted/
%
Polish immigrant

A newly-arrived Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license.
He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.
Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66rd43/polish_immigrant/
%
Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium 'the medical elements'?

Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'barium'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66rbnk/why_do_chemists_call_helium_curium_and_barium_the/
%
How do you make a velociraptor?

Speedraptor over Timeraptor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66rau6/how_do_you_make_a_velociraptor/
%
It's so cold outside

I saw a politician with hands in his own pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66r781/its_so_cold_outside/
%
Hey girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's always a new fucking issue with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66r5fv/hey_girl_are_you_a_newspaper/
%
I was an atheist my whole life until I died, went to heaven, and found out God is real

Well I'll be damned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66r45o/i_was_an_atheist_my_whole_life_until_i_died_went/
%
Losing weight

A man goes to a Weight Loss Clinic and after a short discussion they ask the man how much weight he would like to lose today?
After a few seconds he replies "10 Pounds"
They tell him to go to the first door on the left and go in. They explain the room will be dark and the door will lock behind him and wait.
He does this and once in the room the light automatically comes on and he sees a beautiful naked woman with a sign around her neck that says "If you catch me you can have me"
He goes on to lose 10 pounds that day!
Next day he decides that was a great way to lose weight and he goes back.. They ask how much today and he tells them 30 Pounds!
This time they say the third door on the left same routine. When the light comes on he sees three beautiful women with signs around their neck saying "If you catch us you can have us"
He loses 30 pounds that day!
He goes back again the next day and says "I WANT TO LOSE 100 POUNDS TODAY!"
They tell him the very last door and he proceeds with a big grin on his face.
Door shuts, lock clicks, lights come on and he sees.. 10 naked men with signs on their neck that says "If we catch you we can have you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qztu/losing_weight/
%
The Best Truck Driver in Ireland

Once, the best trucker in Ireland broke down in the middle of nowhere. He found a small cottage and asked to stay. The owner said "sure you can stay, but you're sleeping on the couch, we only have 2 rooms in the house: one for me, one for my daughter".
The trucker thanks the man. He sleeps on the couch that night. At about 3AM, the owner of the house wakes up and walks past the couch - the trucker is nowhere to be seen. He realizes he must be with his daughter. He loads up his shotgun and walks into his daughter's bedroom. Sure enough, the trucker is having sex with her.
The man puts the shotgun to the trucker's arse and says "If you're the best trucker in Ireland, then back out of here with a full load!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qxi5/the_best_truck_driver_in_ireland/
%
Cannibals

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qwlr/cannibals/
%
Yesterday, both houses of Congress met to debate legalizing marijuana.

It was a joint session.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qw6h/yesterday_both_houses_of_congress_met_to_debate/
%
What's the difference between an Al-Qaeda base and a Pakistani school?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qoqo/whats_the_difference_between_an_alqaeda_base_and/
%
With great power...

Comes great Current squared Resistance.
Yeah, I need these mnemonics to pass tomorrow's electronics exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qnvt/with_great_power/
%
How does an alchemist get his girl in the mood?

Elixir :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qlwo/how_does_an_alchemist_get_his_girl_in_the_mood/
%
Just a special day at sunday school

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qlco/just_a_special_day_at_sunday_school/
%
A traveling salesman's car breaks down in a rural town in the middle of the night...

After walking several miles he happens across a farmhouse. He knocks on the door and explains his predicament to the farmer.
"Well" says the farmer "there's no mechanic that will be able to tend to your car until morning but I can't have you sleeping on the road side. You can shack-up in the barn overnight and use my phone to call the service station in the morning"
The salesman happily agrees to the offer but as he turns to walk to the barn the farmer says
"There's just one more thing. While you're on my property you've got swear not to have sex with my three beautiful sons!"
"Woah," says the salesman "let me stop you right there. I think I'm in the wrong joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qk9b/a_traveling_salesmans_car_breaks_down_in_a_rural/
%
I farted on the bus and four people turned around...

Felt like I was on The Voice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qk2g/i_farted_on_the_bus_and_four_people_turned_around/
%
A Maribe Raider, A navy SEAL, and a Delta Force operator are sitting around a campfire sharing war stories.

The marine says "I parachuted in from a helicopter at night with 50 pounds of gear on my back and killed 25 men with nothing but a knife." The SEAL says "That's nothing. I swam 6 miles up the coast, sprinted 3 more, and killed 60 people with my bare hands." He turns to the Delta Force guy. "What about you?" The delta force guy just smiles, looks down, and continues stirring the coals of the fire with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qi5i/a_maribe_raider_a_navy_seal_and_a_delta_force/
%
People always tell me I have schizophrenia

But the voices in my head say otherwise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qgyo/people_always_tell_me_i_have_schizophrenia/
%
Inocent question!

‘Darling, would you save me if I jumped into the water?'
‘Honey, if I say yes, will you jump?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qgfv/inocent_question/
%
A husband asks his wife: If I died, would you marry again?

A husband asks his wife:
-
If I died, would you marry again?
-
Oh darling, of course I wouldn’t. I’d go and live with my sister. And if I died, would you remarry?
-
No, I think I’d go and live with your sister too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qe0y/a_husband_asks_his_wife_if_i_died_would_you_marry/
%
In Soviet Russia, pessimist says "things couldn't possibly possibly get any worse"...

Russian optimist says "Yes they can!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qc0c/in_soviet_russia_pessimist_says_things_couldnt/
%
A police officer stopped a car on a highway

and went up to the driver.
He saw the man and said:"You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with the prize money?"
The man thought, and said back:"Maybe go to a driving school and get my licence!"
His wife told the cop:"Don't listen to him, he is a smartass when he's drunk".
All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out:" I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why wouldn't you change the number plate?"
A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said:" Are we at the border yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66qasx/a_police_officer_stopped_a_car_on_a_highway/
%
If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife...

Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66q89c/if_a_man_with_a_foot_fetish_cheats_on_his_wife/
%
Sad news in music today...

Justin Bieber was spotted in good health.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66q36y/sad_news_in_music_today/
%
Why can't people from Boston become pirates?

Because they don't pronounce their Arrs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66q36t/why_cant_people_from_boston_become_pirates/
%
A knock knock joke to change the world

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
I use yah.
I use yah who?
Really? Why?  Google is way better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66q11i/a_knock_knock_joke_to_change_the_world/
%
My girlfriend told me I should recycle more.

Little does she know... I post jokes on r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66pz89/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_should_recycle_more/
%
Mom, I got an A!

"Oh great honey, in what?"
Hepatitis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66pyv5/mom_i_got_an_a/
%
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math.

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66px6c/a_father_who_is_very_much_concerned_about_his/
%
There are two rules for success:

1) Never tell them everything you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66pw8y/there_are_two_rules_for_success/
%
Did you hear the one about the blind hooker?

You've got to hand it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66prc4/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_blind_hooker/
%
The actor of Hagrid asked me why I want his signature

I said: "I am a giant fan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ppv5/the_actor_of_hagrid_asked_me_why_i_want_his/
%
What's a farmer's favorite kind of joke?

A corny one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ppmc/whats_a_farmers_favorite_kind_of_joke/
%
This kid that used to pick on me would drink Red Bull and give literally everyone in the entire school a nasty super atomic wedgie, even the teachers!

He was certainly a hyperbole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66piat/this_kid_that_used_to_pick_on_me_would_drink_red/
%
Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because
ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66phuv/humans_are_being_tested_against_the_new_ai_program/
%
My name is Juan

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:
“You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education”
And Juan said:
“You know, I’ve never thought about that before, but why not?”
So Juan got up in front of the people in town and gave a speech:
“My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids, and I love my dog”
Now politicians tend to be dishonest, but the people of this town knew Juan, and his statements hit home with them. Juan was elected by a landslide.
Juan worked tirelessy to clean up the schools, day and night, instituting new programs and fixing the curriculum. In a very short time graduation rates doubled and test scores shot up.
Then one day the governer died of a heart attack, and the people who Juan worked with closely on the board suggested Juan run.
Juan said:
“Well I’ve never thought about that before, but why not?”
Juan gave a speech to his state:
“My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids and I love my dog”
The state went wild for such an honest and loveable man and he was elected.
As governer he made his home state a wonderful place to live, businesses boomed, communities were peaceful, crime was down and employment was up. Everyone loved Juan.
Then one day Juan was approached by a political group that endorses candidates for major offices. They asked Juan if he would like to run for president.
Juan said:
“Hmm, I’ve never thought about tbat before, but why not?”
Juan stood before the American people and said:
“My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids, and I love my dog.”
The crowd goes ballistic, the American people lose their god damn minds. No candidate had ever been so universally loved like Juan.
Juan is elected President of the United States.
A few years go by. Juan keeps every one of his campaign promises. Unemployment is down to basically nothing, the economy is booming, the national debt is on its way to being paid off.
Then reality hits Juan.
He has no where to go from here.
Juan becomes depressed. He starts drinking heavily.
One day he is sitting in the Oval office drunk as a skunk when his wife comes in. She wants funding for a new project. Juan doesn’t listen. He pulls out a gun and shoots her. Then Juan’s children come into the oval office wanting the time and attention of their father. He shoots them a well. Lastly his dog comes trotting in looking for a walk or a treat but he shoots the dog as well.
This doesn’t sit well with the American people. He is arrested and put up for impeachment but is able to make bail and get out for a while before the trial, but he’s not allowed back in the white house and he doesn’t have a home.
Juan wandered the streets with a heavy heart when it started to rain. Juan finds a dumpster, lifts the lid and starts to climb in. A homeless man jumps up from inside the dumpster and pushes Juan away.
“This is my dumpster” said the homeless man.
“Please let me share it tonight” said Juan
“No . . . Wait a minute, I know you.” Said the homeless man, “you’re Juan! You’re that sick son of a bitch that killed his wife, and kids, and dog!”
“I know” said Juan “but please, I have nowhere to go”
The homeless man told Juan to go away, but Juan just begged and begged. Eventually the homeless man pulled out a golf gun and shot him.
What’s a golf gun?
Well I don’t know either, but it sure shot a hole in Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66paqv/my_name_is_juan/
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The Billionaire Kid

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Stevie, always the first with his hand up and always the naughtiest says “I wanna be a billionaire Miss”
“I’ll be going to the most expensive clubs, take my best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day!”.
The teacher is shocked and is not quite sure how to deal with his bad behavior on this occasion.
She decides to ignore Stevie and continue the lesson.
“So Jenny. What do you want to be when you grow up?” the teacher asks.
Jenny says “I just wanna be Stevie’s bitch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66p8uz/the_billionaire_kid/
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What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

Vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66p74c/what_do_japanese_men_do_when_they_have_erections/
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City Farmer

A city type moves to the country and decides he wants to be a farmer. So he goes to the local farm shop and tells the man: "Give me 100 baby chickens."
The farm shop worker complies. A week later the man returns and says: "Give me 200 baby chickens."
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says: "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow," the farm shop worker replies. "You must really be doing well."
"Nah," says the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66p6ey/city_farmer/
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3 senior citizens are having a conversation in the waiting room of their doctor

They are all pretty old, 80+ years, and they all shaking, they have tremors.
One says to the others "It's true that when you get old your body isn't worth much more, it's useless!"
The other says "You are right, look at me how much I shake!"
They all agree and say they also shake so much, they all have uncontrollable tremors
one of the old man says "Today I went to shave, and I cut all my face up!"
the second old man says "Today I went to have some coffee and I poured it all on myself!"
The third old man says "Today I went to take a piss and I came 3 times!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66p4x0/3_senior_citizens_are_having_a_conversation_in/
%
Girl, are you a Windows update?

Because not now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66p3fg/girl_are_you_a_windows_update/
%
A kiss can make my whole day.

Anal can make my hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66p125/a_kiss_can_make_my_whole_day/
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I uploaded a video on YouTube about how to clean your fingers.

The thumbnail was dirty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66oxxv/i_uploaded_a_video_on_youtube_about_how_to_clean/
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What's a drummers favorite food?

Shredded beets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ox5w/whats_a_drummers_favorite_food/
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Why did the Church of Scientology try to assassinate the non-binary feminist?

Xenu too much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ow98/why_did_the_church_of_scientology_try_to/
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Girls are like squaring numbers...

If they're under 15 you do them in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ovjp/girls_are_like_squaring_numbers/
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I like my women like I like my coffee...

Ground up and in the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ou57/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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All Seniors Aren't Senile

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..
On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ou31/all_seniors_arent_senile/
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The media should be more like batman

They shouldn't bring the news people want,
they should bring the news people need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ot9v/the_media_should_be_more_like_batman/
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Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.
Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.
The other chemicals were like 'omg'!
Two noble gases went on a date.
There was no reaction.
Two protons went on a date.
There was no attraction.
Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.
They felt a little sour after it.
Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.
They had a basic night out.
Sodium and chlorine went on a date.
There was assault.
Potassium and water went on a date.
It was lit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ot11/oxygen_and_potassium_went_on_a_date/
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Two men waiting at heavens gates strike up a conversation...

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66or2f/two_men_waiting_at_heavens_gates_strike_up_a/
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There's a mouse named In and a mouse named Out. How does Out know that In has died?

Instincts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66oqqj/theres_a_mouse_named_in_and_a_mouse_named_out_how/
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What's an emo's favorite musical instrument?

The forearm violin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ooq9/whats_an_emos_favorite_musical_instrument/
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How do you tell which nurse is the head nurse?

She has dirty knees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66omen/how_do_you_tell_which_nurse_is_the_head_nurse/
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A drunk walks into a pub.

He goes up to the bar and sees a curious looking bottle bubbling away with mist emanating from the top. Slightly flummoxed he asks the landlord, “What’s this about then?”
The landlord replies, “Well, this is a mystic potion, a concoction of my very own in fact. Take a sip and it’ll magically release your full potential.”
“Bullcrap” the drunk slurs.
“You see that man over there,” the landlord says, pointing at a dapper looking fella, “He used to be an amateur golfer. He took a sip of the magic potion and now he’s just beaten Tiger Woods to become The PGA Champion”
“That guy over there,” pointing to an extremely burly looking gentleman, “He used to be the skinny guy in the gym. He took a sip of the magic potion and now he’s the favourite to win Mr. Olympia”
“Okay,” said the drunk. He grabbed the potion, took a large swig and a puff of smoke instantly enveloped him.
As it cleared, he looked down at himself in utter shock. He had been transformed into a wheelchair bound Paraplegic.
“What the hell has your potion done to me?”
“Well, you spend half your time drunk,” said the landlord, “seems to me it’s made you permanently legless”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66olhy/a_drunk_walks_into_a_pub/
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Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but
5! equals 120.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ol7s/did_you_know_if_you_say_a_number_loud_enough_you/
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ojcr/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
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Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66oib5/q_whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a/
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When my granddad was ill the doctor told us to put butter on his back

after that he went downhill very quickly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ofce/when_my_granddad_was_ill_the_doctor_told_us_to/
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We used to have empires ruled by emperors and we used to have kingdoms ruled by kings…

Now we have countries…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66oemr/we_used_to_have_empires_ruled_by_emperors_and_we/
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I started life as a man trapped in a woman's body.

And after nine months I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66oelr/i_started_life_as_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
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Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...

Asked him "why are you eating Grass?"
He said "I'm very hungry"
"Oh. Okay then. Come with me"
You should've seen the look on his face when I showed him my backyard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66oe5e/saw_a_homeless_man_eating_grass_in_the_park/
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Bro, I just want you to know, I'm rooting for you...

Your blind wife has no idea I'm not you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66odmn/bro_i_just_want_you_to_know_im_rooting_for_you/
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When is a game not a game?

When it's afoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66od1n/when_is_a_game_not_a_game/
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Why don't you ever shower with a Pokemon?

They might Pikachu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ob9z/why_dont_you_ever_shower_with_a_pokemon/
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"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre.

"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."
"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."
A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"
"Nothing." I said. "It's a rubbish bin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66o852/that_is_him_i_said_to_my_wife_in_the_shopping/
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What do best friends and snowflakes have in common?

They both disappear if you piss all over them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66o5p4/what_do_best_friends_and_snowflakes_have_in_common/
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I hate people that need assurance.

You know what I mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66o548/i_hate_people_that_need_assurance/
%
Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won!

The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66o4zw/well_i_know_its_childish_but_me_and_my_girlfriend/
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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66o0pn/ralph_and_edna_were_both_patients_in_a_mental/
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The Old Arab and FBI

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.
He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.
His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66nvrp/the_old_arab_and_fbi/
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God said to set up a router and free Wi-Fi in the tabernacle...

...but Moses is having a little trouble finding the promised LAN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66nt12/god_said_to_set_up_a_router_and_free_wifi_in_the/
%
What kind of bees make you sleepy?

Cos-bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66nsia/what_kind_of_bees_make_you_sleepy/
%
If you don't succeed at first...

then skydiving isn't for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66nsds/if_you_dont_succeed_at_first/
%
A fly just fell into my butter

Now it's a butterfly
*My six year old just dropped this on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66nsbl/a_fly_just_fell_into_my_butter/
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I got hard during circumcision

It was a rather inappropriate situation for me as a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66nn0i/i_got_hard_during_circumcision/
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Earth day doesn't affect /r/Jokes

Because everything is already 100% recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66njho/earth_day_doesnt_affect_rjokes/
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Orgasm

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to see a rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That should bring on an orgasm"
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help, and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay." Says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again they follow the rabbi's advice.
The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon the wife has an enormous, room-shaking orgasm.
The husband smirks, looks at the young man and says to him. "Shmuck, *that's* the way to wave a towel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66nipb/orgasm/
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What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where the cucumber goes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66nie1/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
%
One by one, all of my best friends have started to become interested in men as well as women.

So I’m just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66niap/one_by_one_all_of_my_best_friends_have_started_to/
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Knights and Squires

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.
The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner.
The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ne6m/knights_and_squires/
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My attempt to steal that head of a statue failed.

Well, I guess it was a bust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ndng/my_attempt_to_steal_that_head_of_a_statue_failed/
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When should guys ask for a girl's hand?

When they get tired of their own.
I saw this on a game forum and it was not related whatsoever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ncne/when_should_guys_ask_for_a_girls_hand/
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If Jesus died on 4/20, he wouldn't have been crucified....

he would've been stoned to death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66nbrz/if_jesus_died_on_420_he_wouldnt_have_been/
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Girl are you a newspaper?

Cause you've got a new issue every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66nbgc/girl_are_you_a_newspaper/
%
How do functions break up?

They stop calling each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66n9wx/how_do_functions_break_up/
%
Did you hear about the math joke?

It was a root and a half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66n9n3/did_you_hear_about_the_math_joke/
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A recent scientific study found that 95% of all homosexuals are indeed born that way....

The other 5% just get sucked into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66n6s0/a_recent_scientific_study_found_that_95_of_all/
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The invisible man heads to the ladies locker room...

they didn't see him coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66n5g7/the_invisible_man_heads_to_the_ladies_locker_room/
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Life cereal uses false advertising...

I poured it on my grandma and she still didn't wake up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66n2rn/life_cereal_uses_false_advertising/
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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66n21h/judaism_is_a_lot_like_the_ph_scale/
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Dad zoo joke

A family is at the zoo and while at the elephant exhibit an elephant is "aroused" the son ask his mom what is that hanging down under the elephant. The mom says "oh that's nothing. The little boy tells his dad what his mom said, and the dad says I spoil that woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66n0o6/dad_zoo_joke/
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What kind of toothpaste does Thor use?

Arm and Hammer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66mv2u/what_kind_of_toothpaste_does_thor_use/
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I drive like my brother

I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”
A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”
So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”
He says, “My brother might be coming.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66mss8/i_drive_like_my_brother/
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I'm questioning my sexual orientation.

I can't think straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66msmw/im_questioning_my_sexual_orientation/
%
I used to think I wasn't racist...

I thought of all the races and how I had nothing against them.
Then...
I realized...
I fucking hate running.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ms8c/i_used_to_think_i_wasnt_racist/
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A circle accidentally shot a square...

his triangle buddy said, "Well, i guess he's poly-gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66mocs/a_circle_accidentally_shot_a_square/
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My wife said she'd like to have another baby.

I agreed, the one we have is fucking annoying!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66mmg0/my_wife_said_shed_like_to_have_another_baby/
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Akbar asked Birbal to look for five biggest idiots in his state and ....

Akbar asked Birbal to look for five biggest idiots in his state and produce them in his court within a month.
After a month's extensive search operations, Birbal brought to the court only two persons.
"But I asked for five", Akbar angrily asked. "Give me a chance to present them one by one", Birbal pleaded and went on to present his idiots:
"Maharaj, this man, while travelling in a bullock cart, was keeping his luggage on his head so as not to hurt the bullocks. He is the first idiot.Pointing to the second man Birbal continued, "And this man here is the second idiot. Some grass grew on the roof of his thatched house and he was trying to force his cow climb up a ladder to graze on them."
Birbal continued, "Maharaj, there were a lot of importants jobs for me to do in the state, but I ignored them and wasted a precious month in searching for idiots. According to me I am the third idiot."
Birbal paused here for a moment.
"Who are the fourth and fifth idiots?", Akbar thundered.
"Beg your pardon, Maharaj", Birbal continued, "You are the king and are responsible for the wellbeing of the entire state and its people. You need wise persons to help you oversee the state affairs. Instead of looking for wise people you engaged me to look for idiots. According to me you are the fourth idiot.
And, Maharaj, the person who is glued to this subreddit, keeping aside all his high priority assignments, oblivious of pressing needs of his familiy,  just to learn who is the fifth idiot, is the fifth idiot himself. You will not find a better idiot to beat this  one. What do you say, Maharaj?", Birbal concluded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66mj12/akbar_asked_birbal_to_look_for_five_biggest/
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During meditation, a monk asks his master...

"Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?"
His master thought for a moment and replied:
"A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66mi6y/during_meditation_a_monk_asks_his_master/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66mhb1/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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Police are like a box of chocolates

They'll kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66mey6/police_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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A man auditioned for a talent show

and when he walked on to the stage the judge asked him what was his talent. The man replied "I do bird impressions".The judge said "Thats not something we would be interested in". The man said "Thats ok" and flew out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66mb5f/a_man_auditioned_for_a_talent_show/
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A man moves to a new neighborhood

After a few days his neighbor knocks on his door
"I'm having a party tonight" says the neighbor "you should come over. But I should let you know, my parties tend to get pretty wild. There will be a lot of drinking, probably some fighting, and some really crazy sex."
"Sounds like fun" responds the man. "Should I bring anything?" he asks.
"That shouldn't be necessary" the neighbor says. "It will just be the two of us".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66m76a/a_man_moves_to_a_new_neighborhood/
%
A girl says to her mom, "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe".

Mom says, "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"
And the girl replies, "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66m6s5/a_girl_says_to_her_mom_i_want_a_barbie_and_a_gi/
%
Never play Uno with mexicans..

They keep taking all the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66m6s0/never_play_uno_with_mexicans/
%
How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66m4g2/how_do_farmers_party/
%
What will Trump watch in the evenings now that Bill O'Reilly is gone?

Bill will go over and do it live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66m405/what_will_trump_watch_in_the_evenings_now_that/
%
What healthcare program is offered to the citizens of Pakistan?

OsamaCare... It's the bomb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66lxk0/what_healthcare_program_is_offered_to_the/
%
Lot's of people know about Will Smith and rap, but did you know he's good with metal too?

Because he's a black Smith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66lwzw/lots_of_people_know_about_will_smith_and_rap_but/
%
A Freudian slip

is when you say one thing and mean your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66lq3s/a_freudian_slip/
%
A priest, a rabbi, and a chicken walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Nope! We don't do jokes here, get out!"
And the chicken says, "Come on guys, I know a place across the street."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66lm3q/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_chicken_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a bad circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66llz1/what_do_you_call_a_bad_circumcision/
%
Women are like multiple choice tests

They give you plenty of options but there's only one right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ljzz/women_are_like_multiple_choice_tests/
%
So I was getting a handjob by a blind girl when she said,

"you have the biggest cock I've ever felt" and I said, "naw, you're just pulling my leg".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66lje5/so_i_was_getting_a_handjob_by_a_blind_girl_when/
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[Long] The population of this country is 300 million.

60 million are retired.
That leaves 240 million to do the work.
There are 95 million in school.
Which leaves 145 million to do the work.
Of this there are 22 million employed by the government.
Leaving 123 million to do the work.
61 million are disabled.
Leaving 62 million to do the work.
15 million are collecting unemployment.
Leaving 47 million to do the work.
40 million are of working age, but not working and not actively looking for work.
Leaving 7 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 4.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 900,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 3,300,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 3,299,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
reading jokes..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66lh6w/long_the_population_of_this_country_is_300_million/
%
Are sociopaths good at telling jokes?

No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66lg4n/are_sociopaths_good_at_telling_jokes/
%
What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66lft2/what_did_the_buddhist_say_to_the_hotdog_vendor/
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If communism doesn't work then why do so many people support it?

They don't work either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66lfmo/if_communism_doesnt_work_then_why_do_so_many/
%
Wedding RSVP

Apparently it's not acceptable to RSVP a wedding invitation with 'sorry, maybe next time'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66lf5z/wedding_rsvp/
%
I noticed a nuclear fusion reactor the other day in my backyard.

While in my backyard the other day, I noticed a large gravitationally confined plasma thermo-nuclear fusion reactor. Being an engineer, I saw that it was radiating huge amounts of energy at very high velocity in the form of incredibly high frequency transversely polarized Maxwellian electromagnetic waves. Normally, Maxwellian waves are invisible, but these waves, I could actually see! The frequency was so high, I am certain that the ionizing radiation could cause cancer, not to mention some very nasty radiation burns. However, it was there, and I wanted to put it to good use. So I purchased a condensed matter quantum physics band-gap based electromagnetic-wave-to-electricity transducer. I used the transduced fusion generated electricity to run my computer to type this post. It works really great...except at night. Or when it's cloudy.
[Edit -- Modified title, and inserted into body. Added a couple adjectives.]
[Edit2 -- Added condensed matter, radiation burns and cancer causing. All 100% true! I think it is absolutely amazing that we can actually do this today, and it is even very common.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66leom/i_noticed_a_nuclear_fusion_reactor_the_other_day/
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Where is my wife

A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store.
Young man:  I am sorry.  I wasn't watching where I was going.  I was looking for my wife.
Old man : Sorry.  I was also looking for my wife.
Young man: Well maybe we can look together.  My wife is 24.  She is 5'2".  She has short black hair.  She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans.  What does your wife look like?
Old man:  It doesn't matter.  Lets look for yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66laty/where_is_my_wife/
%
What does a cat say when it wants to go outside?

Let meow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66l96l/what_does_a_cat_say_when_it_wants_to_go_outside/
%
I went fishing with Skrillex once

It didn't end well, he kept dropping the bass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66l897/i_went_fishing_with_skrillex_once/
%
Girl, are you Norton Antivirus?

Because when you're running, I can't seem to do anything but watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66l490/girl_are_you_norton_antivirus/
%
Why did Obi-wan not do his math homework?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66l2zx/why_did_obiwan_not_do_his_math_homework/
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Seals

A penguin is driving along in his car when it breaks down. Fortunately, there's a mechanic nearby and the car can be repaired.
While the car is in the garage, the penguin decides to waddle to the town to get a vanilla ice-cream. He eats it but forgets to wipe his mouth.
When he returns to the garage, the mechanic says "I think you blew a seal". The penguin replies "Nope, that's just ice-cream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66l0dp/seals/
%
How do you know if you're driving behind a physicist?

Their rear bumper has a red sticker that says "if this appears blue, you're driving too fast."
Hope it isn't too niche.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ky3v/how_do_you_know_if_youre_driving_behind_a/
%
A glass of Nutella has about 9870 calories, but I don't care!

I never eat the glass, anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66kqqg/a_glass_of_nutella_has_about_9870_calories_but_i/
%
Interviewer: What's your biggest strength?

Me: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
Me: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
Me: It's 121.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66kky1/interviewer_whats_your_biggest_strength/
%
I've got a fetish for geometry.

Sorry, I'm getting off on a tangent right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66kjaq/ive_got_a_fetish_for_geometry/
%
Know whats worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66k8z3/know_whats_worse_than_running_with_scissors/
%
My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me

It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66k775/my_girlfriend_threw_a_bottle_of_omega_3_capsules/
%
What's the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66k6s3/whats_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
%
Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66k68b/doctor_i_have_a_sexual_problem/
%
Why did the director make a porno about meiosis?

Sex cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66k5kr/why_did_the_director_make_a_porno_about_meiosis/
%
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A Roamin' Catholic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66k5k7/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
%
A man joins an order of Monks.

A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66k5jb/a_man_joins_an_order_of_monks/
%
Why does Earth bully other planets?

Because they have no life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66k54c/why_does_earth_bully_other_planets/
%
Have you guys heard of the new semen based hair gel?

It's the next generation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66k528/have_you_guys_heard_of_the_new_semen_based_hair/
%
Why did Obama serve 2 terms?

Because blacks always get a longer sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66k478/why_did_obama_serve_2_terms/
%
How come Barbie never got pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66jxvi/how_come_barbie_never_got_pregnant/
%
Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.

His wife was really angry.
She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66juy7/bob_had_forgotten_his_wedding_anniversary_and_was/
%
A man goes into a job interview

Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness?
Applicant: Well sir, I am brutally honest.
Interviewer: I don't think that is a weakness.
Applicant: I don't give a fuck what you think!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ju3n/a_man_goes_into_a_job_interview/
%
My friend works at NASA developing robotic exploration vehicles...

A few years back he was intensely busy with a major project involving a multi-million-dollar remote-controlled rover, often sleeping at the lab and coming home only once every 3-4 days to shower, change clothes, and feed his cats. One of his cats got sick at that time, but he didn't even have time to take it to the vet... and it passed away. What they say is true. Curiosity killed the cat.
EDIT2: uh, the afterparty is at jim's place but we have to leave at 10:00 or else his mom is gonna kick him out of her basement. bring pretzels and sprite, or mountain dew if you're into wilder stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66jr4p/my_friend_works_at_nasa_developing_robotic/
%
Why don't ethnic and gender studies majors become astronauts?

Because there's no such thing as safe space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66jqva/why_dont_ethnic_and_gender_studies_majors_become/
%
Being white, I can't say the N-word.

But I can say things like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and "Hi, Dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66jm63/being_white_i_cant_say_the_nword/
%
I'd like to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather,

and not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66jk6u/id_like_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
I started carrying a hand gun after a failed mugging attempt.

Now, all my mugging attempts have been successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66jjsn/i_started_carrying_a_hand_gun_after_a_failed/
%
Alvin

is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above that says "**Alvin. Sell your business!**", Alvin, believing it to be just in his head ignores it.
But the voice carries on for days, saying "**Alvin. Sell your entire business for 3 million dollars!**", after coming to terms that the voice is not just in his head, he relents and sells his store and entire business.
The voice booms again
"**Alvin. Go to Las Vegas!**"
Alvin asks why
"**Alvin. Just take the 3 million dollars and go to Las Vegas**"
Alvin obeys, goes to Las Vegas and visits a casino.
The voice booms again
"**Alvin. Go to the blackjack table and put it all down on one hand!**"
Alvin hesitates, but has come this far and gives in. He's dealt an eighteen and the dealer has a six showing.
"**Alvin. Take a card!**"
Alvin replies "What? The dealer has..."
"**Take a card!**"
Alvin reluctantly asks the dealer to hit him, he gets an ace. Nineteen. He takes a deep breath of relief.
"**Alvin. Take another card.**"
"What?!"
"**TAKE ANOTHER CARD!**"
Alvin freezes for a second, swallows hard and asks the dealer to hit him again. It's another Ace. Twenty. Alvin cannot believe his luck.
The voice commands again
"**Take another card!**"
"I HAVE TWENTY" Alvin cries.
"**TAKE ANOTHER CARD**"
"Hit me..." Alvin says.
Another Ace. Twenty-one! The booming voice says
"**Un-fucking-believable.**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66jjdt/alvin/
%
What do you call it when you get an STD from someone who is disabled?

The Handi-clap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66jj1j/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_an_std_from/
%
3 doctors boasting...

3 doctors are sitting down with a drink boasting about their exploits.  The first doctor says: "I once I got a guy who had an accident in the shop.  The whole arm ripped off.  I sewed everything back tight.  The guy was stronger than ever.  He now pitches in the Major League."
Not to be outdone, the second doctor goes: "I once worked on a guy who was in a tractor accident on the farm.  Legs were mangled and nearly torn off.  I sewed everything back tight.  The guy runs marathons and is training for the Olympics."
The third doctor is giggling and goes "One time I stopped by an accident.  Car went off the road, the passenger was ejected, cranium was busted open.  The guy was lying in the field with his brain splattered all over the place.  I scooped some nearby cow manure, packed the skull, sewed it back shut and what do you know, the guy became President of United States."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66jh0y/3_doctors_boasting/
%
4/20 is my favorite day to skip work, grab a pipe, head down to the park, and

beat the shit out of hippies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66jcl4/420_is_my_favorite_day_to_skip_work_grab_a_pipe/
%
My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side.

So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66j3ir/my_wife_said_i_needed_to_get_more_in_touch_with/
%
Women these days are too sensitive

My friend said she was having twins and all I said was 'Well hey, that's great, at least you've finally got two kids with the same father.' then she stormed off all pissy.
Women, amiright?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66j0w5/women_these_days_are_too_sensitive/
%
"Money doesn't buy happiness."

Clearly you've never been poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66j0qx/money_doesnt_buy_happiness/
%
Licenced To Lick

A blonde orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, "Jeez, lady... Why do you let the bartender do it and not me?"
"Helloooo!" says the blonde. "Bert has a licker license!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66j07g/licenced_to_lick/
%
How is Trump similar to a pumpkin?

Both are orange, hollow and should have been thrown out in November.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66j07e/how_is_trump_similar_to_a_pumpkin/
%
My cow stopped giving milk.

What an udder disappointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66iz5w/my_cow_stopped_giving_milk/
%
Patient vs Doctor

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66iv6b/patient_vs_doctor/
%
The Flat Earth Society is very popular

They have members all around the globe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66irfj/the_flat_earth_society_is_very_popular/
%
Those of you here for the yodelling lessons....

Please form an orderly orderly orderly queue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66iqw0/those_of_you_here_for_the_yodelling_lessons/
%
Tell someone that you love them today, because life is short...

but scream it at them in German because it's also confusing and scary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66imqw/tell_someone_that_you_love_them_today_because/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth??

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66im3s/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
Heart-warming Lawyer story (long)

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you
eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ijf5/heartwarming_lawyer_story_long/
%
Husband takes his wife to the pub

A nagging wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he takes her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asks.
"Oh, I don't know. Same as you I suppose," she replies.
The husband orders a couple of straight whiskies and throws his down in one gulp. His wife watches him, takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.
"Yuck, it's horrible," she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink that stuff!"
"Well there you go," cries the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ifi1/husband_takes_his_wife_to_the_pub/
%
Hot Neighbor

She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny!  I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good!  In that case, could you watch my dog?"
MAN...  IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66if9x/hot_neighbor/
%
I saw a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center.

It said keep off the grass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66if9o/i_saw_a_sign_on_the_lawn_at_a_drug_rehab_center/
%
I was grossed out today looking at a porn gif showing two nasty women with mouth sores and bad teeth.

Don't look at GIF whores in the mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66iegh/i_was_grossed_out_today_looking_at_a_porn_gif/
%
I finally installed a skylight in my apartment

Unfortunately the people above me aren't as excited as I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66idqu/i_finally_installed_a_skylight_in_my_apartment/
%
Damn Yankee

The Northerner's son graduated from college and was offered a good job, but it was in Alabama .
Dad was worried about his son going off to such a strange land and he warned him to avoid entanglements with southern women.
"They can't cook the kind of food we northerners eat, they won't keep the house clean, they don't like sex, and if you marry one, she'll call you a Damn Yankee the rest of your life. "
After a few months, the son telephoned Dad and told him he had just met a wonderful Southern girl, and thought he was in love with her.
Dad repeated his warnings about Southern women and their shortcomings.
After another couple of months, the son called Dad and told him he and his Southern girl were getting married. Dad just moaned and groaned and repeated his warnings.
Two more months go by and son telephones Dad......"Dad, you were wrong. My wife is a great cook, keeps the house neat as a pin, and she absolutely loves sex."
Dad responded, "Well, what about the fourth thing -- her calling you a Damn Yankee?"
"Oh, we reached an agreement on that. She won't call me a Damn Yankee, and I won't call her a nigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66icuh/damn_yankee/
%
Seriously contemplating remarrying my Ex-wife...

But I'm pretty sure that she'll figure out I'm just after my money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66icfs/seriously_contemplating_remarrying_my_exwife/
%
Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66icfc/why_did_the_cows_come_back_to_the_marijuana_field/
%
2 cows were standing in a field

One cow asks the other "Arent you afraid of getting Mad Cow Disease?"
And the other cow replies "Why should I? Im a helicopter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66icau/2_cows_were_standing_in_a_field/
%
Video games are great, they let you try your craziest fantasies

For example, on the sims, you can have a job and a house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ib2i/video_games_are_great_they_let_you_try_your/
%
The Chili Cookoff.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe  Plaza .  Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from  Springfield , IL .
Frank:  “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off...  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one.  These New Mexicans are crazy....
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili.  Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.  I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  This 300 lb woman is starting to look HOT ...  Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.  Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning my lips off..  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.  Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing.  It's too painful.  Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66i9oq/the_chili_cookoff/
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A man goes to the doctor

because his voice is too deep. Uncomfortably deep. People have problems understanding him over the phone and it interferes with his social life.
He says to the doctor, "DOC, YOU GOTTA HELP ME. WHAT'S CAUSING MY VOICE TO BE LIKE THIS?"
After an examination, the doctor says, "Well, I've got some good news and bad news. The good news is that we can fix. The bad news is that it's caused by your penis being too big. It's so big that it's pulling on your vocal chords. The only way to fix it is to surgically shorten your penis."
"WELL, WHATEVER IT TAKES, DOC."
The surgery goes well and the man's voice is normal. "Thank you, doc," the man says as he leaves the hospital. He is happier than ever with his voice.
About a month goes by when the man's wife says, "Honey, it's just not the same. I miss the old you. I need you to get your full dick back or we will have to get a divorce."
Distressed, the man decides to go back to the doctor so he can get his full dick back and save his marriage.
"Doc," the man says, "I'm sorry to have to come back. I've been so happy with my voice but my wife says she's going to divorce me if I don't get my full dick back. Please, I need you to reverse the surgery and put it back the way it was."
The doctor looks at the man, clearly distraught and says with an unusually deep voice, "WELL, I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS,  I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REST OF YOUR PENIS..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66i89y/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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I have always wondered

what the job application is like at Hooters.
Do they just give you a bra and say,
“Here, fill this out?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66i81z/i_have_always_wondered/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66i7xs/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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Momma said life is like a box of chocolates...

If you're fat it's not gonna last as long :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66i68d/momma_said_life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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She's good on the piano.

But she sucks on the organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66i52v/shes_good_on_the_piano/
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My brother broke down crying and told me about how he was abused by a priest when we were kids.

It was a very touching story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66i3wp/my_brother_broke_down_crying_and_told_me_about/
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My dog is an amputee and his fake leg fell off while we were showing it to our friends.

It was quite the faux paw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hzm9/my_dog_is_an_amputee_and_his_fake_leg_fell_off/
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How Long is a Chinese name?

Yes it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hy7q/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
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NSFW Four nuns die in a bus accident

They find themselves standing in line at the pearly gates. St Peter is reviewing the recently perished to ensure they belong in heaven. Nun #1 reaches the gates, St Peter recognizes them as nuns and says. "I only have one question:  have you ever touched a penis?"  Nun#1 blushes and says yes. St. Peter says "all you have to do is wash the part of your body that touched a penis in the holy water and you can enter paradise. Nun#1 dips one hand in the holy water and passes through the gate. Nun#2 approaches and is given the same deal. She puts both hands in the water and enters paradise. Suddenly nun#4 pushes past #3 desperately. St. Peter begs "what is the meaning of this? Why do you skip in line?"  Nun#4 looks at #3 and says "I'm not drinking that holy water after she puts her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hxx7/nsfw_four_nuns_die_in_a_bus_accident/
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The clock hits 9:11 twice everyday

One for each tower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hv0y/the_clock_hits_911_twice_everyday/
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Only certain professionals can get away saying these

Doctor : Please take off your clothes...!!!
Dentist : Now open wide and hold still...!!!
Veterinarian : How's your pretty pussy...!!!
Gardener : Want me to fertilize your bush...???
Lawyer : Let's go over section 69...!!!
Banker : If you withdraw too early you lose interest...!!!
Chef : Do you like it hot and spicy...???
Police : You don't need protection...!!!
Army personnel : Load... Aim... Fire...!!!
Swimming instructor : Go deeper...!!!
Gym trainer : Push harder...!!!
Interior Decorator: Once its done, you will love it...!!!
Telephone Guy : Would you like it on the table or against the wall...!!! ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hthj/only_certain_professionals_can_get_away_saying/
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My friend gave me an elephant for my room

Me: Thanks!
Friend: Don't mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hsdr/my_friend_gave_me_an_elephant_for_my_room/
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I once made a man cry just by singing

He thought my rendition of "your wife is dead haha" was beautiful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hr9w/i_once_made_a_man_cry_just_by_singing/
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Only 90's kids will get this joke

I emailed it to their AOL accounts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ho8h/only_90s_kids_will_get_this_joke/
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How are math and sex the same?

I don't get either of them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hl9k/how_are_math_and_sex_the_same/
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My Parents and I Haven't Really Seen Each Other Since My Dad Started Dressing Like A Woman and My Mom Started Dressing Like A Man...

I just think they're a little too transparent about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hkqs/my_parents_and_i_havent_really_seen_each_other/
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My mom was watching TV when an Ad for an Alzheimer's medication cam on...

She says to me "Grab a pencil and paper and write down this medication in case i get Alzheimer's so you know what med to give me." I said "Mom don't be silly. You have already written it down five times"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hkcd/my_mom_was_watching_tv_when_an_ad_for_an/
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Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

You dont see medical students calling themselves doctors,  or arts students calling themselves baristas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hjwy/isnt_it_annoying_when_engineering_students_call/
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So today is 4/20

4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hibb/so_today_is_420/
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"Give it to me!" she yelled, "I am so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hhh5/give_it_to_me_she_yelled_i_am_so_fucking_wet_give/
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Top prize at the pub

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hgvf/top_prize_at_the_pub/
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Science builds planes and skyscrapers

but faith brings them together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hgtu/science_builds_planes_and_skyscrapers/
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A woman walks into a convenience store...

"I need four D batteries," she says.
The cashier nods and motions to her with a finger. "Come this way."
"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hgfu/a_woman_walks_into_a_convenience_store/
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What do you call a lizard that smokes pot?

A mariguana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hfxb/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_that_smokes_pot/
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The Most Stupid Man On Earth

There was a flood in a village.
One man said to everyone, “I’ll stay! God will save me!”
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said “Come on mate, get in!”
“No” replied the man. God will save me!
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help.“
No, God will save me!” he said
Eventually he died by drowning.
He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hfjf/the_most_stupid_man_on_earth/
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Why does the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66he1d/why_does_the_military_use_acid/
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I wanted to apply for a job at the NSA

They asked me to email myself the resume

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hdzz/i_wanted_to_apply_for_a_job_at_the_nsa/
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Everything's bigger in Texas

A Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The barman gives him a drink.  The Texan looks at the drink and commenting on how small it is, he says that they are 10 times bigger in Texas.  In the interest of good relations, the barman gives him another 9 drinks free of charge.  Later the Texan comes up and orders a bag of peanuts.  When given the small bag, he again comments on the size of it, and the barman again gives him 9 free.  The Texan is pleased with the service he got and notes some positive feedback on a card as he leaves.
A few weeks later, in recognition of his good deeds, the barman is given a special award for his services to local tourism.  He is given a monetary prize.  With his prizemoney, he books a holiday in Texas.  He walks into the hotel bar and orders a drink.  To his surprise the barman puts up a huge drink in front of him.  He then orders some nuts and is given a huge packet.  Looking around at the massive bar and thinking about all he has seen he concludes that his own customer was right and that everything is bigger in Texas.  After eventually finishing his drink he staggers up to the bar and asks where the toilets are.  The barman points to a door and says that he should go through it and he'll find them near the end of the corridor.
He heads towards the door and opens it and walks down the corridor.  There are two doors at the end, one to the toilets and one to the hotel swimming pool.  In his drunken state, he goes through the wrong door and falls into the swimming pool.  He starts to scream.  Hearing the commotion, a moment later the hotel barman runs through the door and stands at the edge of the pool.  The guest looks up at him in horror and screams "Don't flush!  Don't flush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66hc0o/everythings_bigger_in_texas/
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I ran across an old copy of the Amputee’s Song Book the other day.

It includes such classics as “If you’re happy and you know it……SHIT!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66h9tn/i_ran_across_an_old_copy_of_the_amputees_song/
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My dad and I thought about making a pun today.

But weed probably offend people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66h9pz/my_dad_and_i_thought_about_making_a_pun_today/
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In a new store's front window there was a hiring sign

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
$35,000 - $40,000
An engineer sees the sign, enters the store and yells:
-There is no need for an accountant! The answer is -$5,000!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66h8zd/in_a_new_stores_front_window_there_was_a_hiring/
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A young boy enters a barber shop..

...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66h8xz/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
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Where do you see yourself in 3 years?

I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66h8jg/where_do_you_see_yourself_in_3_years/
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How does a mathematician deal with constipation?

They get a pencil and work it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66h2ws/how_does_a_mathematician_deal_with_constipation/
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Scientists have found that sheep can read!

Strangely it only works with the Bible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66gxxf/scientists_have_found_that_sheep_can_read/
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What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come on a person's face until he hits 13.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66gq3k/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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Has anybody posted any jokes about 4/20 yet?

I think it's high time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66goyz/has_anybody_posted_any_jokes_about_420_yet/
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A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is…

A student puts his hand up and says, “G, miss”.
The teacher asks, “Why is that, Angus?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66gonp/a_teacher_asks_her_class_what_their_favorite/
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A man goes to the hospital because his flatulence sounds unusual...

When he arrives, the doctor takes him straight into his office and asks him to fart. After a lot of straining the man manages to let out a little one. It sounds like a person, whispering the word 'Honda'.
The doctor almost immediately proclaims that he knows exactly what the problem is, and refers the man to a dentist.
When the man arrives at the dentist's, he gets on the chair and the dentist begins to inspect his mouth.
"Aha!" The dentist yells. "I see the cause of the problem."
"What is it?" The rather confused man asks. "What in my mouth could possibly cause my fart to sound like Honda?"
"You have an abscess, my dear man."
"What does that have to do with my farts?"
"Don't you know?" The dentist replies. "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66gnxq/a_man_goes_to_the_hospital_because_his_flatulence/
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I was going to post a fighting joke

But i forgot the punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66gmyw/i_was_going_to_post_a_fighting_joke/
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I really wanted to go to Obesity Club.

But I was worried that I wouldn't fit in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66gkkg/i_really_wanted_to_go_to_obesity_club/
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I wonder...

I always wondered what my parents did to pass time before things like the internet and TVs were invented.
I asked my 26 siblings for advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66gk59/i_wonder/
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Just found out I passed my drug test at work today!

My damn dealer owes me a big refund!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66gk2p/just_found_out_i_passed_my_drug_test_at_work_today/
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(90's Dictator Joke) So Clinton, Blair and Mubarak are playing ball in Egypt

They kick the ball and it falls into the crocodile-infested Nile. Clinton says, "Not to worry, one of our marines will get it back", and he asks a marine to go get it. The Marine sees the crocodiles fighting each other and says, "Sorry, I have a family and kids I want to raise". So Tony Blair goes, "No worries, one of our Special Forces will grab it for us", and he asks one to go get it. He tells him, "Sorry, I have a family and kids I want to raise". So Mubarak tells a soldier to jump in the Nile and get it. The soldier jumps without hesitation, he fights the crocodiles and almost gets killed but manages to bring the ball back to shore. Amazed, Clinton and Blair run to him and ask why he threw himself into the Nile when asked. He says, "I have a family and kids I want to raise".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66gj5g/90s_dictator_joke_so_clinton_blair_and_mubarak/
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If a man crashes through a window and severely injures himself...

...Would you say that he's in *pane*?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ghvw/if_a_man_crashes_through_a_window_and_severely/
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Me: Mom, am I adopted?

Mom: Why would we choose you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66gfh8/me_mom_am_i_adopted/
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I prefer having poker players do my laundry

They know when to fold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66gcdc/i_prefer_having_poker_players_do_my_laundry/
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I was banned from the airport last week.

Apparently the security doesn't like it when you say Shotgun while boarding the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66g9sk/i_was_banned_from_the_airport_last_week/
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A relationship is a lot like algebra.

You always look at your X and try to figure out Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66g97j/a_relationship_is_a_lot_like_algebra/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66g4kk/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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Racism is stupid.

Why hate a person based on his/her skin color? If you just took the time to know them as a person, you can find a whole lot of other things to hate them for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66g3j4/racism_is_stupid/
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I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66g3cc/i_just_started_practicing_some_speed_reading/
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The wife & I have just been to the cinema to see that film, Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle... full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.
Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the credits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66g1rk/the_wife_i_have_just_been_to_the_cinema_to_see/
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Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66g1o3/why_do_cows_wear_bells_around_their_necks/
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Husband takes his wife to a disco.

There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."
Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he’s still celebrating!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66g0rk/husband_takes_his_wife_to_a_disco/
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Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fztg/aaron_hernandez_set_a_new_nfl_record/
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Every girl is beautiful.

Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fxbf/every_girl_is_beautiful/
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Bill O'Reilly not returning to Fox

You can't explain that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fwf8/bill_oreilly_not_returning_to_fox/
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I tried my luck on a brand new car

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I went off and bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me... the brand new car was from the electrician, they were there to cut off the electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fwbv/i_tried_my_luck_on_a_brand_new_car/
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A sign at the fertility clinic.

Please wait to be seeded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fwa9/a_sign_at_the_fertility_clinic/
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A man returns to the music shop with his new guitar

He goes up to the manager and complains "How could you sell this to me?"
The manager responds "What's the problem? We sold you a guitar, no strings attached!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fv5l/a_man_returns_to_the_music_shop_with_his_new/
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What does a ghost drink at parties?

Boos!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fuit/what_does_a_ghost_drink_at_parties/
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Pickup line: If I flip a coin....

What are the chances of me getting head? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fsxa/pickup_line_if_i_flip_a_coin/
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[NSFW] I like to take showers before having sex.

I'm all about coming clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fpyk/nsfw_i_like_to_take_showers_before_having_sex/
%
What do trees say when they get cut down?

I'm stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fnvr/what_do_trees_say_when_they_get_cut_down/
%
What do you call a group of narcoleptics?

A snoregasbord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fmws/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_narcoleptics/
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My parents have been yelling at me that I'm wasting my life doing nothing but playing video games.

Luckily I have three lives left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fli1/my_parents_have_been_yelling_at_me_that_im/
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I've been happily married for 5 years.

Well, I guess 5 out of 20 isn't THAT bad...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fjot/ive_been_happily_married_for_5_years/
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What do you call a snake that's 3.14 feet?

A Pi-Thon!
Credit goes to my girlfriend, the ultimate dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fjlg/what_do_you_call_a_snake_thats_314_feet/
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Happy Easter!

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he isDEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong."I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the
two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves
again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again
and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says.
It says,
"Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds a permanent wave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fj18/happy_easter/
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What did the exit of the sperm bank say?

"Thanks for coming"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fidc/what_did_the_exit_of_the_sperm_bank_say/
%
What does a mermaid mathematician wear?

An algae bra!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ff6o/what_does_a_mermaid_mathematician_wear/
%
Does anyone wanna buy used batteries?

They're free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66fd6s/does_anyone_wanna_buy_used_batteries/
%
An American Indian chief took 3 wives...

To the first, he gave a buffalo hide. To the second, he gave a deer hide. But for the third, his favorite, he sent a brave far away, across land and water, to retrieve the rare and highly coveted hide of the hippopotamus.
Within a year, the first two squaws had each borne the Indian chief a son. In their honor, they were moved into a spacious, comfortable tepee. The third squaw, though childless, was also moved into another spacious tepee. The first two squaws complained bitterly of this inequity. They, who had borne sons for the chief, had to share a tent, while the third and childless squaw got one to herself. So the chief explained:
"The sons of the squaws of the two hides are equal to the squaw of the hippopotamus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66f7ty/an_american_indian_chief_took_3_wives/
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I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body

until I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66f0gb/i_used_to_be_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
%
I just burned 3,000 calories.........

I left the cookies in the oven too long! 😎

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66f0f7/i_just_burned_3000_calories/
%
So, apparently, Marie Antoinette was really good at oral sex...

In fact, the entire Third Estate wanted her head!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ewig/so_apparently_marie_antoinette_was_really_good_at/
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With age comes wisdom

An 86 year-old man is out fishing. He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up!"
He looked around and did not see any one. He thought he was dreaming until he heard the voice again.
"Pick me up." The old man looked in the water and there, floating on a lilly pad was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog replied, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a minute in confusion, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog screamed, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride!"
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66evcq/with_age_comes_wisdom/
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Reddit is like a factory...

When theres something good, they remake it a ton of times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66eutv/reddit_is_like_a_factory/
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Did you hear what happened to that NFL player that murdered several people?

He was suspended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66eu5b/did_you_hear_what_happened_to_that_nfl_player/
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What do you call a bee from America?

USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66eqwk/what_do_you_call_a_bee_from_america/
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What did Bill O'Reilly say when his evening of necrophilia failed?

Fuck it! We'll do it live!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ep13/what_did_bill_oreilly_say_when_his_evening_of/
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Big Injury Update

Aaron Hernandez (Neck)
Out Indefinitely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66eodb/big_injury_update/
%
Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.
One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the solution. In the forest by the pond, there is a magic purple toad. If you can get the toad to say 'No' to you, your penis will shrink by three inches."
The man followed the witch's advice, and went into the forest. Sure enough, by the lakeside was a large purple toad. The man thought for a moment, then walked up to the toad and said, "Hey magic toad, do you want to have sex with me?"
The toad replied with a disgusted face, "What? No!"
As promised, the man's penis shrunk to 12 inches! But it was still too big for him to be comfortable with, so he asked again, "Magic toad, please won't you have sex with me?"
The toad once again made a face and croaked, "Ew, no!" and the man's penis shrunk to 9 inches. Still, he thought that might be too big.
"6 inches should be fine," he decided, so he went to the toad once more and said, "Magic toad, I need you to have sex with me!" to which the magic toad replied, "How many times do I have to tell you?! No! No! A thousand times no!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ek03/once_there_was_a_man_with_a_15_inch_penis/
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Flight Report

Flight Attendant: "Captain! I think we have a case of human trafficking! There's a lecherous old slob with an immigrant lady on the plane, who looks like she's being taken against her will! Should we bump them off?"
Captain: "For gods sake Patricia! We don't work for United Airlines anymore! This is Air Force one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ej4r/flight_report/
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An unfortunate fast-food visit.

A guy walks into a fast-food restaurant. As soon as he goes in he slips and falls down, everyone laughs at him. The guy doesn't seem to give it that much of a deal and proceeds to wait at the line. There are 2 people in front of him which shouldn't take time. After the people are done ordering, the total comes up (40$), so they decide to pay with pennies, the man started to lose his temper. When it was finally his turn to order, the clerks were changing shifts, so he had to wait for a short while. He then proceeded to sit on the table and wait for his order. His order arrives 40 minutes later, the guy was already starving and pissed off. The food was cold, but it was okay since he was hungry. He noticed that his soft-drink didn't come with a straw, so he went back to the counter to ask for one. The clerk at the counter reached over to pick the straw, but it accidentally fell from his hand and landed on the floor and became dirty.
This was the last straw...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66eis4/an_unfortunate_fastfood_visit/
%
What do you call a virgin redneck?

A six year old that runs faster than her brother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66eifi/what_do_you_call_a_virgin_redneck/
%
Aaron Hernandez once tried to give me a high-five...

But I left him hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ebtd/aaron_hernandez_once_tried_to_give_me_a_highfive/
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If your dad is a chemist, never ask him to make you a Pb&j sandwich.

Pretty sure I have lead poisoning now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66e9td/if_your_dad_is_a_chemist_never_ask_him_to_make/
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How does gold get people's attention?

"Au!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66e90s/how_does_gold_get_peoples_attention/
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PRISONS HATE HIM

Aaron Hernandez shows you how he dodged serving a life sentence with this handy trick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66e7dg/prisons_hate_him/
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Advice for dealing with all the Aaron Hernandez memes....

...hang in there, it'll die quicker than you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66e5u9/advice_for_dealing_with_all_the_aaron_hernandez/
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What do you call a drunk shark?

A hammered-head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66e2bg/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_shark/
%
Two fish are in a tank

One says to the other, "You man the guns. I'll drive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66e25c/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?

Matt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66e1rg/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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I ate too much Middle-eastern food

Now I falafel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66e0uv/i_ate_too_much_middleeastern_food/
%
I was having sex with this german schoolgirl the other day

I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66dzx7/i_was_having_sex_with_this_german_schoolgirl_the/
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A bus driver and a priest died and went to heaven

St. Peter greeted them both and led them to their new homes in heaven. They went to the bus driver's home first, and saw a large mansion. When the priest saw this, he was very excited because he was sure that he'd get a grander house, because clearly, he had done me good in his life than the bus driver. However, when they reached his new home, all he saw a small cabin. He asked St. Peter, "why is my house smaller than the bus driver's? I have served God all my life!" St. Peter responded, "well, the way you were preaching, everyone was sleeping. But the way the bus driver was driving, everyone was praying!"
Sorry if this was reposted. Haven't seen it on Reddit yet and thought I'd share it :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66dz8o/a_bus_driver_and_a_priest_died_and_went_to_heaven/
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How did I escape Iraq?

I ran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66dvwh/how_did_i_escape_iraq/
%
Did you hear they asked Aaron Hernandez if he wanted to watch the Patriots visit to The White House on the rec room TV?

He said, "No thanks I'll just hang in my cell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66dude/did_you_hear_they_asked_aaron_hernandez_if_he/
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How did the blonde die drinking milk?

The cow fell on her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66dniy/how_did_the_blonde_die_drinking_milk/
%
Wow, Trump is making America great again...

Aaron Hernandez is dead, Bill O'Reilly got fired. Trump is actually getting rid of the criminals and rapists!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66dmyt/wow_trump_is_making_america_great_again/
%
Some guy hit on me at the keyboard store today

I told him he wasn't my type.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66djnl/some_guy_hit_on_me_at_the_keyboard_store_today/
%
I hate my life

Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.
What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.
I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.
I'm socially awkward, even my only other co-worker fucking hates my guts. I have repressed lust for one of my best friends too; she's athletic, smart and a gorgeous southern bell. I love her. You know what it's like; I've been friend zoned real hard. She's my only real friend, besides this one kid, who I'm pretty sure is only hanging around me because he is mentally challenged. I guess he's the only one that can tolerate me.
And what makes this all fucking worse is that I live in a fucking pineapple under the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66djfw/i_hate_my_life/
%
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..."

*Poof* ... He disappears without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66dhc3/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
%
My friend never shaves his pubes, so he doesn't like talking about masturbation.

He just beats around the bush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66dg0p/my_friend_never_shaves_his_pubes_so_he_doesnt/
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British Couple Adopts German Baby

A British couple adopted an orphaned German baby. For five years the baby was silent, wouldn't cry, never said a word to any one. The parents concerned that the child might be retarded took him to specialist after specialist, and all concluded that the child was normal.
On the child's sixth birthday the parents gave young Wolfgang an apple strudel. Wolfgang took one bite and said, "This apple strudel is a bit tepid."
The parents look on in amazement, the mother asking, "Wolfgang, you've never spoken before. Why now after all these years?"
Wolfgang looked her in the eye and says, "Up until now everything had been satisfactory."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ddy9/british_couple_adopts_german_baby/
%
A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66dcjc/a_local_barber_in_my_area_just_got_arrested_for/
%
Why didn't Aaron Hernandez ever tell us why he threw away his career for a life of crime?

He wanted to leave us hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66d9f8/why_didnt_aaron_hernandez_ever_tell_us_why_he/
%
How does Harry Potter get down the hill?

By walking.
Jk. Rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66d940/how_does_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66d7op/when_i_see_a_girl_i_first_look_at_her_hair_then/
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A lady is walking down the street...

and bumps into an old friend. She is surprised to see that he has a hot dog sticking out of his ear.
She says, "Dude, you have a hot dog sticking out of your ear!!"
He frowns and asks, "What?"
She repeats herself a little louder, "Dude, you have a hot dog sticking out of your ear!!"
He looks confused and asks, "WHAT?"
She yells, "DUDE! YOU HAVE A *HOT DOG* STICKING OUT OF YOUR *EAR*!"
He smiles apologetically and says, "Sorry, I can't hear you. I have a hot dog in my ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66d6rs/a_lady_is_walking_down_the_street/
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Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66d6e7/q_how_do_you_make_five_pounds_of_fat_look_good/
%
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today in exchange for advertising some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Obviously I said no because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66d3d7/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_21_year_old_girl_today/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Don't know, don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66d1l9/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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I shot a man with a paintball gun

just to watch him dye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66d1fo/i_shot_a_man_with_a_paintball_gun/
%
Four blondes play Russian Roulette...

...with a glock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66cxcd/four_blondes_play_russian_roulette/
%
When my wife left me, I felt sad, lonely, and betrayed.

But then I got a dog, bought a motorcycle that I'd been looking at for weeks, and had sex with my neighbor for whom I always had a hard-on. Life started looking up, but then I realized that my wife would probably be really pissed when she comes home from work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66cuzd/when_my_wife_left_me_i_felt_sad_lonely_and/
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Why did Kylo Ren miss?

[rey moved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66cuwe/why_did_kylo_ren_miss/
%
I Almost Became a Doctor

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters 'PNEIS' and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'spine,' are medical doctors today, while the rest of us are posting jokes on the internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ctbm/i_almost_became_a_doctor/
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How do you confuse a feminist?

Tell her you refuse to allow her to make you a sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66cnfj/how_do_you_confuse_a_feminist/
%
A girl tells a guy , "Hey sexy, I like it rough."

He tells her, "I like to fly United too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66cldr/a_girl_tells_a_guy_hey_sexy_i_like_it_rough/
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I like my women like my laptop...

On my lap, turned on, virus-free, and hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66cge1/i_like_my_women_like_my_laptop/
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A man wants to join the CIA

He signs up for recruitment and a couple days later he gets accepted into the training program. The CIA begins to put him through a bunch of tests to see if he's truly qualified to be an agent. He goes to the shooting range, he swims and runs laps to show his endurance, and he trains in martial arts. Finally, when he has completely all the exercises, the director comes up to him.
"You have one final test. We need to know you have the guts to kill someone without a second thought. Take this gun and shoot the person in the next room"
The man walks in to the room to find his wife sitting across a table in a chair with tape over her mouth.
As the director and other Cia members wait to see if he passes the test,   they start to hear  loud bangs and thuds coming from the room. The director rushes into the room to find the man's wife dead on the floor.
The director shouts, "What did you??"
"The gun you gave me was shooting blanks, so I had to beat the bitch to death with a chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66cf07/a_man_wants_to_join_the_cia/
%
So I was getting a handjob by a blind girl...

...when she says "You have the biggest cock I've ever felt."
I replied, "Nah, you're just pulling my leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66cdp8/so_i_was_getting_a_handjob_by_a_blind_girl/
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A woman is checking out at a grocery store

and puts a coke, candy bar, ramen noodles, and a tub of ice cream on the counter and the cashier says, "you must be single." "Wow, that's amazing! I sure am, what gave it away?" replies the woman. The cashier mumbles under his breath, "because you're ugly as shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66cdfc/a_woman_is_checking_out_at_a_grocery_store/
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How is the United States and frozen food the same?

Kim Jong Un doesn't have the technology to nuke either of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66c9o5/how_is_the_united_states_and_frozen_food_the_same/
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What's the difference between Tim Tebow and Aaron Hernandez?

Aaron Hernandez knew when to hang it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66c413/whats_the_difference_between_tim_tebow_and_aaron/
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What's brown and rhymes with "Snoop"?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66c3s0/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Did ya'll ever hear about that lady who was selling sexual favors for spaghetti?

She was a pastatute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66c2jj/did_yall_ever_hear_about_that_lady_who_was/
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I've built a spice catapult that is capable of seasoning a steak from a distance of 100 yards.

It's a little hard to aim but there's no sense crying over every missed steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66c1km/ive_built_a_spice_catapult_that_is_capable_of/
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I hate those who seek affirmation from others.

Upvote if you agree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66byzk/i_hate_those_who_seek_affirmation_from_others/
%
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66bum3/a_priests_asks_the_convicted_murderer_at_the/
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What's the best way to sneak cheat notes into an exam without getting caught?

Memorise them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66bsu2/whats_the_best_way_to_sneak_cheat_notes_into_an/
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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.

All the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66bsd5/i_was_walking_past_the_mental_hospital_the_other/
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I slept like a rock last night.

I just laid there. All night. Hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66br9z/i_slept_like_a_rock_last_night/
%
Aaron Hernandez died doing what he loved...

Killing people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66bl9w/aaron_hernandez_died_doing_what_he_loved/
%
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

Because he needed his space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66bjh6/why_did_the_astronaut_break_up_with_his_girlfriend/
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*Gross* .... So 2 Condoms are walking down the street...

They stop in front of a gay bar. After looking in, one condom says to the other...  "You wanna go in there and get Shit-Faced?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66bjdd/gross_so_2_condoms_are_walking_down_the_street/
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Life With A Blonde Teenager…

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66bhy2/life_with_a_blonde_teenager/
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The NFL announced today that Aaron Hernandez

Is suspended indefinitely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66bfza/the_nfl_announced_today_that_aaron_hernandez/
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What do you get when you crossbreed a horse with a rabbit?

A dead rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66be4o/what_do_you_get_when_you_crossbreed_a_horse_with/
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Why was the sheep dog unimpressed with r/jokes?

Baacause he'd herd them all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66bdqd/why_was_the_sheep_dog_unimpressed_with_rjokes/
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If your uncle Jack helped you off a horse,

Then would you help your uncle Jack off a horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66bcxt/if_your_uncle_jack_helped_you_off_a_horse/
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An Irishman and a Mormon are on a plane.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores".
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66b95p/an_irishman_and_a_mormon_are_on_a_plane/
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I bought a deck of glass playing cards...

It's pretty easy to shuffle but the deck cuts you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66b3zj/i_bought_a_deck_of_glass_playing_cards/
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Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66b37s/accordion_to_scientific_studies_90/
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A boy meets an astrologer

The Astrologers predicts that the boy will die soon.
Disheartened he walks into his professor and turns off all the lights; but why?
Because he knew, with no light; the professor's pupils will dilate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66b2fq/a_boy_meets_an_astrologer/
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Furries really can't be vegans.

They all love hot dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66b1sl/furries_really_cant_be_vegans/
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A man returns home with flavoured condoms

like strawberry, chocolate etc...
He tells his wife "lets try them in a special way. we gonna turn off the lights and you will have to guess the flavour we are using"
His wife is a little astonished but she is like "yeah why not, might be fun" so they turn off the lights and start. the wife says " hmmm sardines? cheese? "
the husband yells : hey wait, i haven't put them on yet !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66azym/a_man_returns_home_with_flavoured_condoms/
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Hey, you

Nevermind. I was gonna tell you a gay joke, butt fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66azmv/hey_you/
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I was a bit paranoid about my sexual prowess after catching my wife filling in a Cosmopolitan questionnaire -

"Is Your Man Bad In Bed?".
"It's just something to do when I'm bored" she protested.
"That's a relief," I replied, as I carried on thrusting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66awfi/i_was_a_bit_paranoid_about_my_sexual_prowess/
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An Italian boy's confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I cant tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, Im sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"Ill never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66aubh/an_italian_boys_confession/
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A man goes to the doctor's office...

Man: "Doc, I am feeling really sick and I don't know why."
Doctor: "Well, the first thing to do is to stop masturbating."
Man: "Why, is it bad for my health?"
Doctor: "No, it's upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66au8n/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors_office/
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Today someone called my clothes 'gay'

"Yeah!" I replied. "They came out of the closet this morning actually!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66as2s/today_someone_called_my_clothes_gay/
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How many children does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously not 5 because my basement is still dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ar72/how_many_children_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to see who’s the best at his job.

So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66aql0/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_wanted_to_see/
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Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66apva/why_dont_you_ever_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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A man on one side of a river shouts to a man standing on the other side, “Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?”

The other man responds, “You are on the other side of the river.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66apm2/a_man_on_one_side_of_a_river_shouts_to_a_man/
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Girlfriend: "We're breaking up."

Boyfriend: "Why?"
Girlfriend: "You're always playing video games."
Boyfriend: "This is a stupid thing to *Fallout 4*."
All Credit goes to my friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66aos2/girlfriend_were_breaking_up/
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My grandfather's favorite joke.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where ya left it.
[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]
Edit 2:I decided to show my grandfather this, he LOVED IT he was smiling after I told him people from the Internet liked his joke. He was laughing at all your jokes too (especially the what do you call a dog with no legs one). Thanks guys, it means a lot. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66aopd/my_grandfathers_favorite_joke/
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An old lady was in a coma...

There was an old lady who fell into a coma and wouldn't wake up. One day when the nurse was giving her a sponge bath she noticed when she got close to her vagina, her hips would move and genitals would twitch. The nurse ran to tell the doctor what had happened. The doctor then called up her husband and told him to come to the hospital right away. When he got there the doctor told him what had happened and that he thought oral sex might wake her up. The old man was hopeful that he might be able to wake his wife up with oral sex. So he goes in her room and shuts the door. After some time passes he comes out of the room with a grave expression on his face. Doc asked what happened, he replied that he thinks she's dead. So the doctor rushes in and checks, sure enough she had passed. The doctor asked for the specifics on how she could have died because she was in stable condition. The old man replied, "I think she choked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ao6r/an_old_lady_was_in_a_coma/
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There's a group of animals in a forest, and not enough food.

Faced with dire consequences, the animals gather together and decide on a solution: they will tell jokes to one another, and if every animal laughs at a joke then whoever told it may stay. Otherwise, they are banished from the forest.
First up is the wolf. He tells a great joke. Man, was it good. Everyone's rolling; everyone except the turtle. Everyone is sad to see the wolf go, but they made an agreement. Next up is the woodpecker. Again, a home run. Just the most beautifully-crafted joke you've ever heard. Everyone is in stitches. Everyone, that is, but the turtle, and so they all bid farewell to the woodpecker.
Next up is the Japanese Spider crab, and he gets up there lookin' all weird and gross and tells a shitty racist joke about pandas that everyone hates. The turtle starts laughing his ass off. At this point the remaining animals are furious. "What the hell, turtle? What's your deal? How could you possibly find that funny?"
The turtle says "That wolf was *hilarious*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ao2s/theres_a_group_of_animals_in_a_forest_and_not/
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Wiping your ass is just like a traffic light

If it's getting red, you should stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66amby/wiping_your_ass_is_just_like_a_traffic_light/
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I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model...

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.
I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66aj97/i_think_the_wifes_got_me_a_buildityourself_scale/
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Walt Disney

Just after WWII, Walt Disney was at a loss for new subjects for his movies and decided to take his family on a tour of the world to refresh his creative spirit. Walt, ever the optimist, was undaunted and vowed to seek out an idea for a new film, even if he had to stray from his normal family-friendly genres. Good fortune struck him when in the second week of his tour of India, he was offered a chance to meet and chat with the great Mahatma Ghandi himself. Curiously, it turns out Ghandi was a big fan of Mickey Mouse, heard its creator was visiting nearby, and sought Walt out for a meeting. Word reached Walt from the British embassy and he jumped at the chance. He and his wife hastily arranged for an embassy worker to mind the children while they went to seek out the great man.
Ghandi was a very humble and spiritual man, so when Walt entered Ghandi's home, he found him sitting on the floor, dressed in a simple white robe, spinning yarn. Ghandi's hands were rough and callused from years of physical labor. Also, Walt noticed that Ghandi was very thin and fragile from his fasting and hunger strikes to protest British subjugation. A short time into their conversation in the cramped abode, Walt noticed that Ghandi had the pungent bad breath of a devout vegetarian. Walt left after a wonderful, lengthy conversation thinking this fascinating man would be a great subject for a feature film.
When Walt and his wife got back to the British embassy to collect their children, Walt could hardly contain his excitement as he told his children of his encounter. The children were less interested in this and more excited in telling the their father about the fun they'd been having with their British caretaker. Walt kept going on though, until the children's sitter - a very prim and proper British woman who had no use for Ghandi or Indian independence - interrupted him. "You mean you want to make a movie about that super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis?"
*The "pun"chline is relatively pervasive, but the credit for the idea for the story goes out to an unknown YouTube commenter who laid out a similar framework some time ago*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66aj7k/walt_disney/
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66aid8/i_was_telling_a_girl_in_the_pub_about_my_ability/
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So, how come gay guys dress so well?

They didn't spend all that time in the "Closet" doing nothing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66ag2u/so_how_come_gay_guys_dress_so_well/
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What's the best way to decline a hotdog eating contest?

No franks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66aegk/whats_the_best_way_to_decline_a_hotdog_eating/
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What end of the rope did Aaron Hernandez hang himself with?

The tight end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66acg4/what_end_of_the_rope_did_aaron_hernandez_hang/
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So I heard Reddit is good at making puns...

But if you can find a better fish pun than this one, let *minnow*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66abgu/so_i_heard_reddit_is_good_at_making_puns/
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My wife's parents are both attorneys.

I hate it when the at-laws come to visit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66a8ou/my_wifes_parents_are_both_attorneys/
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What's Aaron Hernandez's favorite part of a bed sheet?

The tight end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66a76y/whats_aaron_hernandezs_favorite_part_of_a_bed/
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How did the international good shipment feel as it crossed the border?

Tarrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66a6jq/how_did_the_international_good_shipment_feel_as/
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Kids these days are so stupid

They actually believe I've got chocolate in my van

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66a4zc/kids_these_days_are_so_stupid/
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I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .
Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left..... ......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66a400/i_met_this_girl_the_other_day_and_she/
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I come home from work early one day, and I saw a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I askedhim, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?"

He said, "you came home early".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66a37m/i_come_home_from_work_early_one_day_and_i_saw_a/
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My grandpa kicked the bucket yesterday, but he's still in the hospital.

His toe injury was more severe than originally thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66a2kk/my_grandpa_kicked_the_bucket_yesterday_but_hes/
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What do you call a group of jeans running a marathon?

ParticiPANTS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66a0yt/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_jeans_running_a/
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I'm writing a book about WD-40.

It's Non-Friction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66a007/im_writing_a_book_about_wd40/
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Fuck all of my word files disappeared...

who let the .docx out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669wga/fuck_all_of_my_word_files_disappeared/
%
Went to the shop earlier today, saw a man throwing all the milk, cheese, yoghurt etc

I thought to myself...
"How dairy?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669wew/went_to_the_shop_earlier_today_saw_a_man_throwing/
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A joke walks into a bar

The bartender says "Cool! I never meta joke before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669w8l/a_joke_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I glued a picture of my deceased parrot onto my boomerang.

It brings back good memories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669v0m/i_glued_a_picture_of_my_deceased_parrot_onto_my/
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Jesus and Moses are hanging in Heaven, talking about the good ole days

"You think we still got it, Jesus?"
"Oh, sure. I don't think our ability to perform miracles just goes away, do you?"
"Let's find out!"
Jesus and Moses head down to Earth and are at the edge of the Red Sea. Sure enough, Moses lifts his hands and the water parts, leaving a clear path across. He smirks at Jesus, and Jesus steps up for his turn.
He stepped out into the water and immediately sank. Moses looked at him confused and said "I guess the ability does go away!"
Jesus smiled and said "Last time I did this, I didn't have these fuckin holes in my feet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669uzb/jesus_and_moses_are_hanging_in_heaven_talking/
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How did the referee declare Aaron Hernandez dead?

"After review, the receiver did not get two feet down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669tcl/how_did_the_referee_declare_aaron_hernandez_dead/
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Life's just not fair. Aaron Hernandez had everything: talent, money, women...

And now I hear he's well-hung, too?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669sz6/lifes_just_not_fair_aaron_hernandez_had/
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I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore...

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669ssa/i_cant_see_an_end_i_have_no_control_and_i_dont/
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I once skydived off a crane.

Poor little fellow, I must have damaged his wings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669s24/i_once_skydived_off_a_crane/
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What's the best thing for a hangover?

Drinking heavily the night before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669rz9/whats_the_best_thing_for_a_hangover/
%
So, two deer walk out of a gay bar................

One of them turns to the other and says "Man, I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669n2u/so_two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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At any given moment the urge to sing Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim-away...

...a whim-away,a whim-away,a whim-away...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669m4w/at_any_given_moment_the_urge_to_sing_lion_sleeps/
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Why did the hitman have such a hard time getting married?

No witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669iqa/why_did_the_hitman_have_such_a_hard_time_getting/
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Apparently Aaron Hernandez misunderstood his attorney when his lawyer told him to...

hang in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669i2b/apparently_aaron_hernandez_misunderstood_his/
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Odepius was explaining what a Freudian slip was.

In his words: "It's when you mean to say one thing but you accidentally fuck your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669g66/odepius_was_explaining_what_a_freudian_slip_was/
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I'll have you know I'm in a great financial situation.

Even my credit card company says my balance is outstanding!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669ff9/ill_have_you_know_im_in_a_great_financial/
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What do gay horses eat?

Haaaaaay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669e8a/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
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What do you call a person without a son?

Per

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669axe/what_do_you_call_a_person_without_a_son/
%
Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people

Then the grenade exploded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669aj9/chuck_norris_threw_a_hand_grenade_and_killed_50/
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I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look...

... I knew I was in hot water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6699hf/i_was_relaxing_in_a_jacuzzi_when_my_wife_pointed/
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After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a friend of mine has been fired after one minor indiscretion

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money.
He was a genuinely nice guy and brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/669997/after_7_years_of_medical_training_and_hard_work_a/
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Flight back home

Guy was boarding a plane to go back home from a business trip.
As he was boarding another passenger asks him: "our flight looks full what do you think they will do??"
The Asian man flying back home says "beats me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6698qy/flight_back_home/
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So an American college kid walks into a bar...

...12 dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6692rx/so_an_american_college_kid_walks_into_a_bar/
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The best thing about having a penis....

Is sharing it with people who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66924m/the_best_thing_about_having_a_penis/
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Yesterday we had a communist party...

We enjoyed it to the marx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6690ok/yesterday_we_had_a_communist_party/
%
Pavlov walks into a cafe...

...and orders a breakfast. "Sure," the lady says. "I'll let you know when it's ready." After a little while, she places his tray on the counter and rings the bell. Pavlov leaps up and exclaims, "Oh my gosh, I have to feed the dogs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6690a8/pavlov_walks_into_a_cafe/
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I like fucking door knobs.

Don't knock it til you try it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/668zn0/i_like_fucking_door_knobs/
%
Politicians are like sperm.

There are lots of them but very few work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/668w14/politicians_are_like_sperm/
%
Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they're working around the clock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/668tk4/why_do_the_guards_around_big_ben_always_look_so/
%
A guy shows up late for work.

The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/668t83/a_guy_shows_up_late_for_work/
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A soldier, when he goes to the bathroom always wears a bulletproof vest

His wife asks him: why do you always wear the bulletproof vest when you go to the bathroom?
He replies: when my sergeant gave it to us he said "believe it guys,  one day, a piece of shit will shoot you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/668t3c/a_soldier_when_he_goes_to_the_bathroom_always/
%
They asked a chicken in which country it will prefer to live?

The chicken replied - "In China!, there chickens can walk freely in huge fields and lay their eggs"
They asked a cow in which country it will prefer to live?
The cow replied  - "In India, there a cow is a holy animal, and cows are not eaten, and treated with great respect"
They asked an ass where he would prefer to live?
He replied - "In North Korea - there any ass can become a prime minister!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/668r7w/they_asked_a_chicken_in_which_country_it_will/
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What device did God use to communicate with millennials?

A tablet.
But not from Apple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/668qv8/what_device_did_god_use_to_communicate_with/
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Trying to talk to a gorgeous girl

ME: \*tries to talk to a girl on train\*
GIRL: \*points to her headphones\*
ME: oh yeah, those are nice! so what's your name?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/668qdd/trying_to_talk_to_a_gorgeous_girl/
%
Can you please tell me a rough value of your book collection?

Of course, $4600, you motherfucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/668osh/can_you_please_tell_me_a_rough_value_of_your_book/
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My friend and his wife found each other on a dating website,

Three years after marriage. That was awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/668m80/my_friend_and_his_wife_found_each_other_on_a/
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For my girlfriend's birthday, I threw her a surprise bukkake party.

You should have seen her face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/668gs5/for_my_girlfriends_birthday_i_threw_her_a/
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Patient: The problem is, Doctor, obesity runs in my family.

Doctor: No; the problem is nobody runs in your family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/668dyz/patient_the_problem_is_doctor_obesity_runs_in_my/
%
If Dave has 4 oranges in one hand and 7 in the other, what does Dave have?

Big F***in' Hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/668c03/if_dave_has_4_oranges_in_one_hand_and_7_in_the/
%
What do you call a match-making service for realy old people?

"Carbon-Dating"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6688e9/what_do_you_call_a_matchmaking_service_for_realy/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6685ha/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
My best joke.

During the second world war there was a camp leader who out of the kindness of his heart rescued 160 Jewish people and provided them with warmth, shelter, bottles of water and loaves and loaves of bread. You think this was a kind gesture? You should of seen Hitler; he made 6 million Jews toast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6682ib/my_best_joke/
%
What's the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer balls, because they're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/667z9x/whats_the_cheapest_kind_of_meat/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road into a parking garage?

He'd been through a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/667ygc/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road_into_a_parking/
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If I got a penny everytime . . .

If I got a penny everytime I got a penny, I'd be infinitely rich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/667wn5/if_i_got_a_penny_everytime/
%
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

How do you expect me to get hard when I got laid just a moment ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/667t2k/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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So an African woman named Betty walked into a butcher and asked if they had beef.

The Butcher replied "No, Black Betty, ham or lamb."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/667sf8/so_an_african_woman_named_betty_walked_into_a/
%
Rock is great but....

You shouldn't take it for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/667qpg/rock_is_great_but/
%
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.

I thought: "Well this changes everything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/667pti/i_remember_the_first_time_i_saw_a_universal/
%
How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

No one knows. They've never tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/667kfy/how_many_french_soldiers_does_it_take_to_defend/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of negative 100

A perfect 10 and imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/667jee/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_negative/
%
Since it's tax time and all...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/667j4u/since_its_tax_time_and_all/
%
A cop pulls Schrodinger over off of the highway...

... The cop gets out of his cruiser and walks up to Schrodinger's car. He says to Schrodinger, "Hey, don't you work at the university around here?" Schrodinger replies "why, yes." The cop asks Schrodinger "I know the university is pretty rowdy and likes to party. Do you mind if I look around your car?" Schrodinger says "Sure." So the cop searches Schrodinger's car. When he opens the trunk, he finds a dead cat. The cop, stunned, walks back up to the driver's window and says to Schrodinger "Did you know you had a dead cat in the back of your car?" Schrodinger, quite angry now, says "Well I do now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/667hfn/a_cop_pulls_schrodinger_over_off_of_the_highway/
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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night

. She looked OK for a 61-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No,' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: '
Mum, you still awake?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/667ghe/i_ended_up_with_an_older_woman_at_a_club_last/
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What's the best way to get bubblegum out of your hair?

Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/667d3y/whats_the_best_way_to_get_bubblegum_out_of_your/
%
What do you call a fortunetelling Spaniard?

Cristóbal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/667blg/what_do_you_call_a_fortunetelling_spaniard/
%
Two guys are drinking at a bar on the roof of a tall building on a windy day.

The first guy turns to the second guy and says to him, "You know, I'm an architect. I designed this building in such a way that if it's windy outside like this and if you jump off the roof, the wind will blow you right back in."
The second guy tells him he's full of shit, and tells him to prove it. So, the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in.
The second guy asks him to do it one more time. So, the first guy jumps out and the wind blows him right back into the bar.
At this time the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death.
The bartender turns to the first guy and says, "You're a real dick when your drunk, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6676md/two_guys_are_drinking_at_a_bar_on_the_roof_of_a/
%
Did you know that dogs can't operate MRI machines?

Fortunately catscan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6676cr/did_you_know_that_dogs_cant_operate_mri_machines/
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My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo

So i had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6674g9/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
%
What's the hottest part in your house?

The corners, they're 90 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6671qd/whats_the_hottest_part_in_your_house/
%
Never trust an atom...

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/666y3t/never_trust_an_atom/
%
Why do pythons live on land?

Because it's above C level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/666v9z/why_do_pythons_live_on_land/
%
Why did the riot cop leave for work early?

Because he had to beat the crowds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/666oyq/why_did_the_riot_cop_leave_for_work_early/
%
My doctor told me to remove trans fats...

Who knew removing my tumblr app would get me back to proper health?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/666kg3/my_doctor_told_me_to_remove_trans_fats/
%
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me".
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$200 and it's yours".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/666hoa/i_was_in_a_job_interview_today_when_the_manager/
%
"Stephen, am I a bad mother?"

"My name is Chris.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/666fb1/stephen_am_i_a_bad_mother/
%
A little girl asked her dad what he thought of Frozen...

"It was not very well thawed out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/666egg/a_little_girl_asked_her_dad_what_he_thought_of/
%
I went to braille school but quit after one day.

I really wasn't feeling it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6667nb/i_went_to_braille_school_but_quit_after_one_day/
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Girl: "Come Over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6665ym/girl_come_over/
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Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6665os/deaf_sex/
%
My math teacher said I was average...

How mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6661de/my_math_teacher_said_i_was_average/
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in three years?

Me: Still blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665zrb/interviewer_where_do_you_see_yourself_in_three/
%
5 out of 6 scientists say…

…that Russian roulette is safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665zhl/5_out_of_6_scientists_say/
%
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Cuz it was soda pressing.
I'm so sorry everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665ylj/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
%
A man approached me today and said "I am harder than you, I am better than you, I am faster than you, I am stronger than you."

What a Daft Punk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665ygy/a_man_approached_me_today_and_said_i_am_harder/
%
If con is the opposite of pro,

then is Congress the opposite of progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665x1f/if_con_is_the_opposite_of_pro/
%
Hey what's easier than posting to r/personalfinance?

Getting laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665t7b/hey_whats_easier_than_posting_to_rpersonalfinance/
%
What's black, blue, and red all over?

A suspect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665ssr/whats_black_blue_and_red_all_over/
%
What do suicide bombers fear the most?

Dying Alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665sos/what_do_suicide_bombers_fear_the_most/
%
A guy with Alzheimer's asked me to tell him a joke

Knock knock
Who's there?
Me.
Who are you again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665og3/a_guy_with_alzheimers_asked_me_to_tell_him_a_joke/
%
I used to be a male trapped in a woman's body.

Until I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665nkm/i_used_to_be_a_male_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
%
My baby is like cigarettes...

I like to hold it for 5 minutes every hour and the rest of the time I'm thinking about how it's fucking killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665m5r/my_baby_is_like_cigarettes/
%
What's up with that big metal thing in Paris?

It's a right eyefull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665lkj/whats_up_with_that_big_metal_thing_in_paris/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have a beer."
The second one says, "I'll have half a beer."
The third one says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer."
And so on..............
The bartender pours two beers and says, "You guys need to know your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665kpf/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
Guy walks into a bar...

...and the place is packed. Fortunately, someone was just leaving, so he takes the stool and orders a beer. Someone further in stands up and yells "Twenty-three!" eliciting a round of laughter. Guy shrugs it off and drinks his beer.
Another patron stands and yells "Hundred-thirty-two!" and again, everyone laughs. Intrigued, guy turns to the bartender.
"Hey, what's this with the numbers?"
"Well, we know all the jokes so well that we just numbered them. That way you don't have to tell the entire joke. Go ahead, try it."
Guy stands up and yells "Three hundred-seventeen!" and it's pandemonium. People are laughing, crying, falling off chairs, spilling their drinks, rolling on the floor.
Guy turns to the bartender again. "What the hell just happened?"
The bartender gasps out between roars of laughter, "We've never heard that one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665kfb/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My optician told me my glasses needed some tuning...

... but now I can C# again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665jug/my_optician_told_me_my_glasses_needed_some_tuning/
%
One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret drawer has popped open on her mother’s bed.
Inside, was a very well presented box containing  the most magnificent looking dildo she’d ever seen with instructions reading, “The Great magic dildo. To use it, just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to pleasure you. USE WITH CAUTION!”
"What have I got to lose, I need cheering up” the girl thinks. So, she lays down on her bed and says "Great Magic Dildo, vagina." The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears her underwear and rapidly penetrates her, making her cum harder than ever before.
Feeling majestic and much happier, the girl lies down on the floor holding the dildo in awe when suddenly, her ex-boyfriend comes barging in and says "Hey listen, I want to talk to yo… what are you holding??"
"It’s a Great Magic Dildo"
Laughing, he says "Yeah right, great magic dildo my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665jta/one_day_a_girl_comes_home_crying_upset_that_her/
%
How do vegetables end a war?

Ap*pea*sement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665h6f/how_do_vegetables_end_a_war/
%
Talking about the American Dream in a college class and the prof asks:

To a student from Germany, "Is there a Germany Dream?" He responded, "There was, but no one liked it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/665gdt/talking_about_the_american_dream_in_a_college/
%
What do you call a short Mexican?

A paragraph, because he's not a full ese yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6659qq/what_do_you_call_a_short_mexican/
%
They told me that cameras add 10 lbs...

...so I stopped eating cameras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6651t0/they_told_me_that_cameras_add_10_lbs/
%
Whats more dangerous than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6651bp/whats_more_dangerous_than_running_with_scissors/
%
I got robbed...

I got robbed at the Walmart and must tell you how the thief trick you, it may save you!
So I was going out of Walmart when two teens approach me, with hot body and clothes clearly too tight for them and revealing. They help me fill my car and then when I want to thank them and give them a few dollars, they refuse and instead ask me to take them to another Walmart.
Happy to oblige, i let them in and start to drive. But shortly after, they start making out and undress themselves! I quickly stop on the roadside and join them, getting a nice blow job from one of the teen, while the other one stole my wallet!
This may happen to you! I got my wallet stolen Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, twice Friday and I'm going back tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/664ugc/i_got_robbed/
%
Elderly man goes to the doctor to collect his wife's reports...

Doctor: Unfortunately we have mixed up her reports with someone else. so she either has AIDS or alzheimer's.
Distraught old man: oh my god doctor! what should i do??
Doctor: (*thinks for a sec*) drop her to the edge of the city and if she makes it back don't fuck her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/664pdo/elderly_man_goes_to_the_doctor_to_collect_his/
%
What's the best rice to sleep on?

Pilau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/664pcj/whats_the_best_rice_to_sleep_on/
%
What do you call a man who never farts in public?

A private tutor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/664l79/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_never_farts_in_public/
%
What happens when Frogs park illegally?

They get Toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/664jyq/what_happens_when_frogs_park_illegally/
%
Sometimes I ask my blind friend what something in braille says.

So I started handing him legos, and apparently all lego pieces mean "fuck you" in braille

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/664dt7/sometimes_i_ask_my_blind_friend_what_something_in/
%
Doctor: You've got 3 months to live.

Woman:  I'd like a second opinion.
Doctor: Okay.  You're ugly too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/664ds3/doctor_youve_got_3_months_to_live/
%
Nice Legs..

A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/664dh4/nice_legs/
%
"Hey Ryu can I watch your next fight?"

SHORYUKEN!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/664bu1/hey_ryu_can_i_watch_your_next_fight/
%
Why do police officers wear blue?

Because the black uniforms led to too much friendly fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/664bb5/why_do_police_officers_wear_blue/
%
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

On hat said to the other: you stay here; I'll go on a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6648sy/two_hats_were_hanging_on_a_hat_rack_in_the_hallway/
%
So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.

The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."
The mortician agrees and thanks the woman and the first woman leaves. Now the second woman comes in and says, "I know I've brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I've always really loved him in blue. Is there any way you can have him in a blue suit for his funeral?"
The mortician assures her that it's not a problem and the second woman thanks her and leaves. A few days later the mortician shows up at the first man's funeral and his widow walks up and says, "Thank you so much for doing this. My husband looks wonderful in the black suit you found him."
The mortician replies, "Of course, I was happy to do it. And here's your check back."
"No, I really appreciate it and I want to pay you, just take whatever you need."
"Oh no really, it didn't cost me anything. You see, right after you came in a woman showed up with her husband in a black suit and she wanted him wearing blue. So in the end all I had to do was switch the heads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66466p/so_these_two_ladies_walk_into_a_morticians_office/
%
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6645if/my_mom_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_was_going_to/
%
One day a woman pregnant with triplets walked into a bank.

As she was at the tellers desk, some men with guns came in to rob the place. As they were leaving they began to shoot the witnesses and the pregnant lady was shot three times in the stomach.
The ambulance arrived in time to save her and all of her three children, two girls and one boy.
Thirteen years later on a hot summer day, the mother is down stairs fixing lunch and one of her daughters comes running down stairs screaming,
"Mom, mom! Something is wrong!"
"What is it?" The mother replies.
"I had to use the bathroom and I peed a bullet!"
The mother laughs and says, "I guess it's time to explain to you what happened almost 14 years ago." She then proceeds to explain everything to her daughter.
A few hours later the other daughter runs down stairs screaming, but before she could say anything to her mom, the mother says, "Let me guess, you peed a bullet?"
"How did you know?" The daughter asks. Then the mother explained everything to the second daughter.
Later that night the boy runs down stairs screaming, "Mom, mom! Something is wrong!"
To which the mother replies, "Did you pee a bullet too?"
"No!", the boy says. "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6643l8/one_day_a_woman_pregnant_with_triplets_walked/
%
According the the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance".

Even if you have a hat on the ground in front of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6642ea/according_the_the_police_public_masturbation_is/
%
“I cuddle with my husband about two or three times a week.”

“Yeah? Me just once.”
“Oh, but wait, I thought you were single.”
“Ah I see. I thought we were talking about your husband.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66412d/i_cuddle_with_my_husband_about_two_or_three_times/
%
I almost drowned yesterday.

It was a breath-taking experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/663w4l/i_almost_drowned_yesterday/
%
Is there really racial inequality in America?

Because in my neighbourhood as a kid, EVERY time a white kid got a new bike, a black kid got a new bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/663v5p/is_there_really_racial_inequality_in_america/
%
Do you know why Van Gogh got into painting

Be cause he didn't have an ear for music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/663tyc/do_you_know_why_van_gogh_got_into_painting/
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100 ways to please your man

My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, “100 ways to please your man.”
I said, “Don’t bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I’ll be the happiest bloke ever.
She smiled and said, “Aww, what’s that then?”
I said, “Pack your bags and fcuk off.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/663q6j/100_ways_to_please_your_man/
%
What's white and doesn't work?

The reddit search bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/663poy/whats_white_and_doesnt_work/
%
I was always told "i before e except after c"

It sounds weird but I guess it's just science

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/663ofe/i_was_always_told_i_before_e_except_after_c/
%
[NSFW] Shiny Shoes

A guy buys a new pair of mirror like shiny silver metallic shoes and is so happy he goes dancing at the club.
To impress the women he bets them that he can tell em their favorite color.
As he dancing with the first woman, he astonishes her when he tells her that her favorite color is blue.
He dances with the 2nd woman and surprises her by telling her that her favorite color is red.
When he gets to the 3rd woman, he seems a bit perplexed as he stares down at his shoes.
He looks up and asks her if she is wearing any panties and she says "No, why?"
and he says...."Oh good, I thought I had a crack in my new shoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/663l0x/nsfw_shiny_shoes/
%
Knock Knock...

Who's there
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/663k3x/knock_knock/
%
A vampire walks into a blood bar with a big smile on his face....

The bartender looks at him confused and the vampire says, "Always B positive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/663h1w/a_vampire_walks_into_a_blood_bar_with_a_big_smile/
%
I've never understood why there's Burger King but no Borscht Czar

After all, people who eat fast food are in a hurry... they're always Russian around everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/663geo/ive_never_understood_why_theres_burger_king_but/
%
If you ever need to fit 2 of every animal on a boat...

I Noah guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/663fnj/if_you_ever_need_to_fit_2_of_every_animal_on_a/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/663edc/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
What's gray, has big ears, and a trunk?

A mouse on vacation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66388l/whats_gray_has_big_ears_and_a_trunk/
%
I am learning so much from my children.

As every great man learns from his mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662zy1/i_am_learning_so_much_from_my_children/
%
What is sexy now that wasn't 20 years ago ?

A 22 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662zsr/what_is_sexy_now_that_wasnt_20_years_ago/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather

Not like his passengers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662zdn/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
Why french tanks have rear view mirror

If they don't have some, they can't see what's going on on the battlefield.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662z69/why_french_tanks_have_rear_view_mirror/
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Cigarettes are just like weasels...

Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662yc1/cigarettes_are_just_like_weasels/
%
UK General Election

In April, May said "June!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662xvg/uk_general_election/
%
What is Barry Gibb better at than the rest of the Bee Gees?

Staying Alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662v7x/what_is_barry_gibb_better_at_than_the_rest_of_the/
%
A woman goes into labor with her child..

..The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer pain of child birth to the Father. He asks If it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662tso/a_woman_goes_into_labor_with_her_child/
%
In America you bear arms.

In Russian you arm bears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662sii/in_america_you_bear_arms/
%
What's Bruce Lee's favourite drink?

Wataaaaah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662qt0/whats_bruce_lees_favourite_drink/
%
Why do some couples not go to the gym?

Because some relationships just don't 'work out'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662qmf/why_do_some_couples_not_go_to_the_gym/
%
What do Little Miss Muffet and ISIS have in common?

They both have Kurds in their way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662p89/what_do_little_miss_muffet_and_isis_have_in_common/
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What's the difference between a golf ball and the G-spot?

Men will search for the golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662oro/whats_the_difference_between_a_golf_ball_and_the/
%
What is the function of the world's last ENIAC?

Operating the Reddit search engine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662nsu/what_is_the_function_of_the_worlds_last_eniac/
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The interwiewer asked. What's your biggest flaw?

I interfere in others conversations.
I was talking to him.
Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662n07/the_interwiewer_asked_whats_your_biggest_flaw/
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I am forming a mutual support-group for people who have been ripped-off by locksmiths.

My door is always open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662mvw/i_am_forming_a_mutual_supportgroup_for_people_who/
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What did France say after the German invasion?

I did nazi that coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662mh1/what_did_france_say_after_the_german_invasion/
%
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common?

They both look good until they hit the ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662ksv/what_do_the_toronto_maple_leafs_and_the_titanic/
%
First Operation:

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662js5/first_operation/
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Prison

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662jom/prison/
%
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux had been hunting together ever since they were kids.

Squirrel, rabbit, quail, deer, you name it - cleaned and on the table. Now old men, Thibodeaux had developed a habit that greatly annoyed ol' Boudreaux... he would wander off, find a nice comfy spot to rest, and fall asleep, leaving Boudreaux to wander the woods looking for his friend.
Well, one day Boudreaux had enough and decided to get back at Thibodeaux. After being out for an hour or so, Boudreaux circled back to find Thibodeaux passed out sitting on a hollowed out tree stump, gun on his lap and pants around his ankles.
"Mais dis is too good!" said Boudreaux as he pulled a rabbit from his bag. "Dat bastard ain't gon' know what hit him."
So Boudreaux gutted the rabbit, placed the entrails under ol' Thibodeaux's bare ass, and went to wait in the truck.
A couple hours later, Boudreaux sees Thibodeaux come running out of the woods as fast as an old man can, hands waving wildy and shouting.
"Boudreaux! Mon frere, you ain't never gon' believe what happened! Mon dieu, it's a miracle!"
Boudreaux, a little confused and barely holding back a smile, replied "Lemme guess, you fell asleep again?"
"Mais yeah, but that's not all," said Thibodeaux. "I fell asleep on that ol' hollow stump, and when I woke up I had shit my guts out. But with the help of god and these two fingers, I got 'em back in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662j35/boudreaux_and_thibodeaux_had_been_hunting/
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A grave with no name

Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never liked his odd name. He told her that, when he died, she should just put his birthday and date of death on the grave, without his name. Sure enough, several years later, Odd passed away. His wife did as he had requested, and buried him, putting only his birthday and date of death on the gravestone. But it was futile. To this day, people still walk by the grave and say: “Isn’t that Odd?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662i4s/a_grave_with_no_name/
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A man went to a psychic who told him he will die that day.

The psychic warned the man: "It's blurry. But... I see flames. Avoid them! And rocks! Avoid them if you want to live! I'm sorry." The man left anxious and grim. As he walked home, there was an explosion and his apartment building quickly burst into flames! He ran away as pieces of concrete and rocks start falling down. He survived unscathed. Happy to be alive, he started jumping for joy not realizing he was in the middle of the street and got hit by a car. At his last breath he saw the car's tires: Firestone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662hs3/a_man_went_to_a_psychic_who_told_him_he_will_die/
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So the Belgians are pissed.

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build a bridge in the Sahara". The king of Belgium approves and so it happens; the Dutch build a bridge in the desert.
They became the laughing stock of the world. The king of Belgium is pleased and says to king Willem:"Ha ha that was funny, you can remove the bridge.
King Willem responds: "We can't, there are Belgians on the bridge trying to fish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662h3s/so_the_belgians_are_pissed/
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The French Revolution was pretty rough. Did you hear about what happened to Louis XVI's head?

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662fyt/the_french_revolution_was_pretty_rough_did_you/
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Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662ecs/light_babies_are_delivered_by_stork_heavy_babies/
%
My music teacher was arrested

because he was caught fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662dnj/my_music_teacher_was_arrested/
%
Why do gay people always wear skinny jeans?

Because they can't stand straight cut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662cqs/why_do_gay_people_always_wear_skinny_jeans/
%
I tried to teach my dog to dance today.

It was useless. He’s got two left feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662cdw/i_tried_to_teach_my_dog_to_dance_today/
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Why do risky people suck at origami?

Because they never fold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662bay/why_do_risky_people_suck_at_origami/
%
Fire exits

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
-Mitch Hedberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662b0h/fire_exits/
%
Infertility is hereditary

If your parents have no children, I bet you have none either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662ay1/infertility_is_hereditary/
%
What did Watson say when he and Holmes got stranded on a desert island?

"No ship Sherlock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662aip/what_did_watson_say_when_he_and_holmes_got/
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Three college girls walk out of their campus bar.

It's late in the night and they all had a bit too much too drink. Thry suddenly stumble uppon a passed out guy lying on the floor.
The first girl feels his nose and says "It's not my George. This one has a bigger nose."
The second feels his ears and says "It's not my Dave either. This one has smaller ears."
The third girl grabs the guys crotch and says "He doesn't even go to the same college!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6629u1/three_college_girls_walk_out_of_their_campus_bar/
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Where do terrorists go when they die?

Every where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6629t8/where_do_terrorists_go_when_they_die/
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A married man thinks about death

One lazy  morning a married couple were enjoying a cup of coffee when he said to her what had been on his mind. "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."
She looked at him intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/662938/a_married_man_thinks_about_death/
%
Asked a librarian for that book on Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dogs today.

Said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6626p1/asked_a_librarian_for_that_book_on_schrodingers/
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I was a man trapped in a women's body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66225o/i_was_a_man_trapped_in_a_womens_body/
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I'm beginning to suspect my brother may be gay...

I'm beginning to suspect my brother may be gay, as several times today I've caught him looking down toward my balls and checking out my arse.
My skirt is a bit short, I suppose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6621vk/im_beginning_to_suspect_my_brother_may_be_gay/
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Weddings are very emotional...

even the cakes are in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6621ql/weddings_are_very_emotional/
%
Last night I met a woman with two jobs. Her night job was prostitution.

Her day job was undercover cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6620hp/last_night_i_met_a_woman_with_two_jobs_her_night/
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Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...

While they were working one day, John falls off the derrick (the rig tower) and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie replied, "I'll do it. I'm good with this sensitive stuff."
&nbsp;
Two hours later Donnie arrives with a six-pack of Budweiser beer. Lonnie asked him, "Where'd you get the six-pack?" Donnie told him John's wife gave it to him. Lonnie replies, flabbergasted, "Unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
&nbsp;
Donnie said, "Not exactly, Lonnie. When she answered the door, I asked her 'You must be John's widow'. She says, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'"
&nbsp;
"And then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser that you are.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661wkh/three_roughnecks_john_lonnie_and_donnie_were/
%
I went to the store to buy some camouflage coats.

But I couldn't find any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661vvd/i_went_to_the_store_to_buy_some_camouflage_coats/
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A blind man walks into a bar.

A chair.
A table..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661utd/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My first time buying a condom.

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661sac/my_first_time_buying_a_condom/
%
As a vet, attention to detail is vital.

However, attention to de rest of de animal is important too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661myk/as_a_vet_attention_to_detail_is_vital/
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I think we really need to lay off North Korea over their failed missile tests...

I think they're developing projectile dysfunction :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661jiu/i_think_we_really_need_to_lay_off_north_korea/
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A joke from my dad

A balding man said to his wife
"I've bought several rabbits for the garden"
Why?
"Well from a distance it'll look like I have lots of hare"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661ic2/a_joke_from_my_dad/
%
On the topic of good and bad news from the doctor...

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news for you!
Patient: So whats the good news?
Doctor: You won't have to pay anything for this visit!
Patient, confused: And the bad news?
Doctor: Well, we issue our bills quarterly, you'll be long dead by then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661hcm/on_the_topic_of_good_and_bad_news_from_the_doctor/
%
Mamma, why my brother was named Barc?

-Because Barc in reverse is crab. And your mommy loves crabs.
-Ah, I see. Thanks for explaining, mom.
-No problem, Lana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661gqv/mamma_why_my_brother_was_named_barc/
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Doctor of death!

Impressively, only 2% of the people I operated on died last year. But for some reason the authorities think that’s too high for a dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661geo/doctor_of_death/
%
Midwife for sale.

Can Deliver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661g8l/midwife_for_sale/
%
A rabbit spots a fox rolling a blunt

The rabbit dashes to him and shout : " Don't smoke weed man, just go for a run with me!"
And so they went for a run.
After a running for a bit they spot a squirrel ready to snort up a big fat line of coke.
The rabbit again dashes to him and shouts : "Mate, don't do it! just go for a run with us!"
And so the squirrel joined them for a run.
After a bit more running they spot a grizzly bear prepping a syringe of heroin.
The rabbit dashes to the bear and before it could even shout , the bear gets up and superman punches the rabbit and knocks him straight out.
The fox and squirrel look at him in shock.
The bear reacts : "What? Everytime that rabbit snorts a line of speed he wants the whole fucking forrest to run with him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661ewz/a_rabbit_spots_a_fox_rolling_a_blunt/
%
Two guys were sitting in a bar, when one guy said to the other:

"Don't you hate it when they repeat the title in the post?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661evv/two_guys_were_sitting_in_a_bar_when_one_guy_said/
%
Wife and husband are doing 69 when the husband realizes he's late for the dentist.

He doesn't want his mouth the smell like pussy so he quickly brushes his teeth, rinses out his mouth, and heads out the door as soon as he can. When he pulls up to the dentist he sprays his mouth with breathe freshener and heads inside.
Once he's seated in the chair he's sure his mouth doesn't smell like his wife's undercarriage. The dentist leans in and asks "you've been eating pussy haven't you?"
The husband in a confused and embarrassed voice almost in disbelief says "how could you tell? I brushed my teeth, rinsed my mouth, and even used breath freshener right before I walked into the dentist"
The dentist replies, "your forehead smells like shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661a2e/wife_and_husband_are_doing_69_when_the_husband/
%
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Never mind, it's an obscure number you've probably never heard of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6619vd/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
When did the hipster join klux klan?

Before it was ku.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6619s8/when_did_the_hipster_join_klux_klan/
%
What do you hear right before watching an hour-long compilation of different comedians' jokes?

Please welcome Amy Schumer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6618qw/what_do_you_hear_right_before_watching_an/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6618gn/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
Islamic Book Shop

I went into an Islamic book shop the other day. I was walking round, looking for a book but couldn't find what i wanted. Eventually, the cashier came over and asked if he could help. So i said "Do you happen to have the British Immigration Policy Book for Muslims"?
The cashier said angrily "Fuck Off and don't come back!"
So i replied "Yes - THAT'S the one! Do you have it in paperback?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6618ee/islamic_book_shop/
%
A postman is on his last day at work.

The people on his route all know and like him, and as he does his rounds on his last day people give him cards and little gifts.
When he gets to one house, the door opens and the lady of the house invites him in. She takes him to the table and serves him a beautiful breakfast. Afterwards, she invites him upstairs where she does her all to please him in bed. On his way out, she kisses him goodbye and slips him a dollar.
He says, "Thank you for the breakfast and the amazing sex, but what's this dollar for?"
She says, "When we found out you were retiring, I asked my husband what we should do. He said, 'fuck him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6617v9/a_postman_is_on_his_last_day_at_work/
%
My computer just beat me at chess in 20 moves

It was no match for me at kickboxing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6612qh/my_computer_just_beat_me_at_chess_in_20_moves/
%
A guy goes to the doctor:

“Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”
Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”
Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/661117/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What's Peter pans favourite fast food restaurant?

Wendy's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/66107p/whats_peter_pans_favourite_fast_food_restaurant/
%
Don't spell part backwards

Its a trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/660xvm/dont_spell_part_backwards/
%
Genie: What is your first wish?

Steve: I want to be rich.
Genie: Wish granted. What is your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/660uvl/genie_what_is_your_first_wish/
%
I finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/660raq/i_finally_stopped_drinking_for_good/
%
Hello Bitches and Bastards...

One day, a boy was walking by his parents' bedroom and overheard them talking about bitches and bastards. He stepped into the room and asked them: &nbsp;
"Mummy, Daddy, what are bitches and bastards?". &nbsp;
"Oh, people son. People." They replied. &nbsp;
A little while later, he heard them mention penises and vaginas. He then asked them what they were. &nbsp;
"Oh, clothing son. Clothing." They replied. &nbsp;
As they were expecting guests later, the boy's mother walked out of the bedroom into the bathroom to put on makeup, whilst his father went to slice the turkey. Walking by the bathroom, he overheard his mother say the word "shit" after making a mistake. &nbsp;
"Mummy, what is shit?" The boy asked. &nbsp;
"Oh. Makeup son. Makeup." His mother replied. &nbsp;
Walking by the kitchen, the father accidentally cut his finger and said the word "fuck" out loud. &nbsp;
"Daddy, what is fuck?" The boy asked. &nbsp;
"Oh. Slice son. Slice." His father replied. &nbsp;
The boy heard the doorbell ring. At last! The guests were here. The boy opened the door and proceeded to greet them: &nbsp;
"Hello bitches and bastards, let me take your penises and vaginas. My mother is putting on shit, and my father is fucking the turkey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/660puk/hello_bitches_and_bastards/
%
The Bear and the Hunter

A man goes into a gun shop and buys a rifle to go bear hunting. Five minutes into the woods, he spots a huge grizzly, takes aim and fires… and when the smoke clears, bear is gone. As he's puzzling over this, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and there, towering over him, is the bear.
"Well, you took your best shot and missed, so now I'm going to eat you!"
The man begs and pleads not to be killed, and the bear thinks about it and says, "I suppose I COULD let you live… if you give me a blow job."
So the man does the horrible deed and goes back to the gun shop the following day, walking out with an AK-47. He goes back to the woods, sees the same bear, takes aim and empties the whole clip. The smoke clears, and the bear is gone again. Then there's a tap on the shoulder…
"Okay, twice is too much. You missed again, so I'm REALLY going to eat you now."
Once again, the man begs and pleads and, after some thought, the bear relinquishes - except that this time the man has to let the bear have sex with him.
Back to the shop and this time he walks out with the biggest thing they've got - an ex-Soviet Army rocket launcher. He returns to the forest, spots the bear, fires up the scope and fires. There's a huge explosion and, when the smoke clears, no bear - just a smoking crater. Grinning with satisfaction, he starts to lower the weapon…
…and then there's a tap on his shoulder.
With one hand on his hip, the bear cocks his head and says, "You're not really here for the hunting, are you?"
[I didn't make this up, transcript from a friend who told it to me.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/660jot/the_bear_and_the_hunter/
%
I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up

I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/660j7j/i_didnt_hear_the_sea_when_i_held_a_shell_up/
%
Three cowboys are standing around a fire...

...trading stories about how tough and manly they are.
The first cowboy says, "Well I was ridin' the trail the other day, and was lettin' my horse rest, when a coral snake bit me on the leg. I sucked the poison out, then I roasted that sumbitch and ate him for dinner."
The second cowboy said, "Hell, that ain't nothin'. I got caught in a blizzard, and a bobcat leapt at me from outta nowhere. I caught it, ripped it apart with my bare hands, and made a pair of boots with its skin."
The third cowboy didn't say a word, just looked at the other two and continued stirring the fire with his dick...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/660ikx/three_cowboys_are_standing_around_a_fire/
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People tell me "filling animals with helium is bad"

but I say "whatever floats your goat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/660i8s/people_tell_me_filling_animals_with_helium_is_bad/
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The first rule of the thesaurus club is

that you do not talk, prattle, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, babble, describe, divulge, confer, deliberate, squeal, converse or gossip about the thesaurus club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/660fzs/the_first_rule_of_the_thesaurus_club_is/
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I saw a sign that says 'Falling rocks'...

... so I tried. Apparently it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/660cfu/i_saw_a_sign_that_says_falling_rocks/
%
I got fired from the juice factory today

I just couldn't concentrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6609pb/i_got_fired_from_the_juice_factory_today/
%
I looked up car crash statistics online

The results were very impacting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6609mv/i_looked_up_car_crash_statistics_online/
%
If you ever get your phone wet, put it in a bag of rice

It will attract an Asian, who will then fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6609fl/if_you_ever_get_your_phone_wet_put_it_in_a_bag_of/
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same person's car breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monk reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monk leads the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6609de/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
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Why was the dermatologist fired?

He made too many rash decisions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6605ye/why_was_the_dermatologist_fired/
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What's the leading cause of dry skin

...towels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6605ue/whats_the_leading_cause_of_dry_skin/
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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden...

The Frenchman says, "They must be French; they're naked and they're eating fruit." The Englishman says, "Clearly they're English; observe how politely the woman is offering fruit to the man." The Russian replies, "No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and think they are in Paradise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6603zf/a_frenchman_an_englishman_and_a_soviet_russian/
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I am ok with doing algebra...

but graphing functions is where I draw the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6600jg/i_am_ok_with_doing_algebra/
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I find it funny how everyone sleeps differently

I sleep on my side, my sister sleeps on her back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zzdg/i_find_it_funny_how_everyone_sleeps_differently/
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Why does France have so many rivers?

Water follows the path of least resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zwcj/why_does_france_have_so_many_rivers/
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What did the teacher tell the Ewoks who were talking too loud?

You need to use your Endor voices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zul8/what_did_the_teacher_tell_the_ewoks_who_were/
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This joke is like paper

Tearable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zu9h/this_joke_is_like_paper/
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What's the deal with airline food these days...

nothing but knuckle sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ztmn/whats_the_deal_with_airline_food_these_days/
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What's Peter Pan's least favorite part of a song?

The hook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zrzk/whats_peter_pans_least_favorite_part_of_a_song/
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Hydrogen is the smartest.

The rest of the elements are denser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zrlr/hydrogen_is_the_smartest/
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My mom told me that the world doesn't revolve around me

I guess I'm not her son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zokd/my_mom_told_me_that_the_world_doesnt_revolve/
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What do you call a little person who just escaped prison, and is running down a flight of stairs?

It's a little con-decending..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zkuc/what_do_you_call_a_little_person_who_just_escaped/
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Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zkfw/doctor_ive_got_good_news_and_bad_news/
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What do smoking a cigarette and eating a girl out have in common?

The closer you get to the butt, the worse it tastes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zk9z/what_do_smoking_a_cigarette_and_eating_a_girl_out/
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How do you embarrass a male archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zk0i/how_do_you_embarrass_a_male_archaeologist/
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Why are ducks always broke?

they smoke a lot of quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zhag/why_are_ducks_always_broke/
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Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zh9y/why_is_divorce_so_expensive/
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How many Freudian Analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: 2
One to change the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zgd0/how_many_freudian_analysts_does_it_take_to_change/
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I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zfqu/i_finally_got_a_microwave_to_heat_up_my_leftovers/
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Want to know the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?

"Hmm, I wonder how far I can kick this bucket..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zba9/want_to_know_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said/
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Did you know....

Six out of seven dwarves are not happy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65zask/did_you_know/
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Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first scientist orders H2O
The second scientist H2O too
The second one dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65z786/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
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I was hit in the head with a paddle

It was oarrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65z6hs/i_was_hit_in_the_head_with_a_paddle/
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Jesus, Moses and and old man are golfing.

Jesus tees off first and puts his ball into the water. He then walks across the water and is able to hit the ball onto the green. Moses tees off next and he too puts the ball into the water. Moses parts then water and is then able to walk up to his ball and hit it onto the green. The old man then tees off and also puts his ball into to water. A fish then swallows his ball. Moments later a bird swoops down from the sky and grabs the fish out of the water. As the bird flys away a bolt of lightning hits the bird and it falls onto the green, dropping the fish, who in turn spits up the golf ball and it rolls into the cup for a hole in one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says "dad stop screwing around and play fair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65z523/jesus_moses_and_and_old_man_are_golfing/
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When Beethoven died he was buried near the town drunks favorite spot.

One day soon after the funeral the drunk heard a soft melody coming from Beethoven's grave.
As he got closer to the grave, the music became louder. Frightened, the drunk ran to the priest and asked him to listen.
The priest came along and listened. He was baffled and called for the town magistrate. As the magistrate listened, the priest gathered the towns people so that they would witness the impossible. After a few moments the magistrate said, "Ah, that is Beethoven's ninth Symphony being played backwards!"
After a few more moments, his eight played backwards, then his seventh, all the way down to his first. The magistrate then said, "Fear not, for it is only Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65z44o/when_beethoven_died_he_was_buried_near_the_town/
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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer from her pocket

She goes "dammit some asshole's got my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65z29l/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_from_her_pocket/
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what's the best place to drown a hipster?

in the main stream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65z0u0/whats_the_best_place_to_drown_a_hipster/
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Jesus, Moses, and an old man play golf

On the tenth hole Moses hits the ball first but the ball cuts and heads towards the pond, quickly Moses jams his club into the ground and the water parts and the ball lands on the bottom of the pond on dry ground.
Next Jesus goes and likewise the ball heads towards the pond but as it hits the water it just bounces and rolls across the surface.
Lastly, the old man hits the ball he slices harder than Jesus or Moses, but right before it hits the water a fish jumps up at eats the ball. As the fish is in the air an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its talons and starts to fly away. As the eagle flies away a dark cloud forms overhead and a lightening bolt hits the eagle. The eagle falls dropping the fish, the fish hits the ground a foot away from the hole and the ball rolls out of the fishes mouth into the hole.
Moses sighs and then turns to Jesus and says, "I hate it when your dad plays with us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65yyvs/jesus_moses_and_an_old_man_play_golf/
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A man in his backyard....

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"
To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."
The man asks,"Jesus, why is life so hard?"
To which Jesus replies,"That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."
The man asks again,"How was the universe created?"
Jesus replies,"I'm sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ywwd/a_man_in_his_backyard/
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I just flew in from a Transformers convention

And boy are my arms tires

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65yvqb/i_just_flew_in_from_a_transformers_convention/
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People often call me condescending...

***That means I talk down to people.***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ytwy/people_often_call_me_condescending/
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Some cunt called me a motherfucker today

I said, "watch your mouth, son!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ytox/some_cunt_called_me_a_motherfucker_today/
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What did the grape say when it was crushed?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ys8d/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_was_crushed/
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(Joke 8yo made at dinner) What do give to sick lemons?

First Lemon-aid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65yqbl/joke_8yo_made_at_dinner_what_do_give_to_sick/
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Thanks to the Internet

Everybody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ypb5/thanks_to_the_internet/
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Why did the hipster fall into the lake?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65yora/why_did_the_hipster_fall_into_the_lake/
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Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate his pizza before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65yoox/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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On my way home from work saw a man texting while driving..

Knowing how dangerous this can be I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65yohy/on_my_way_home_from_work_saw_a_man_texting_while/
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Why do women gain weight after they get married?

Single women come home, look in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, look in the bed, and go to the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65yocy/why_do_women_gain_weight_after_they_get_married/
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How do witches fly in the rain?

With a mop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ynuk/how_do_witches_fly_in_the_rain/
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Two sisters

, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from*a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly...
com-for-da-bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ylix/two_sisters/
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My personal trainer is ill today.

No sweat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ykpl/my_personal_trainer_is_ill_today/
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Construction Worker Joke

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ykd2/construction_worker_joke/
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A rich and a poor man at a bar

A rich and poor man meet by coincidence at a bar. To the poor man the rich man turns and says, "On Tuesday, it is my 10th wedding anniversary".
The poor man looks astonished. "It's my 20th wedding anniversary, on Tuesday aswell, what a coincidence! What do you plan on gifting her?"
The other one responds: "I am getting her both a necklace of diamond and gold and a big, expensive, custom-built Tesla."
Looking confused, the poor man  asks the other one: "Why would you want to give her both? One of those surely wuld be enough!?"
"Well, I anticipat
Looking down, the poor man answers "I'm getting her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
"Slippers and a dildo, one could think that this is an odd combination", the rich man is taken aback.
The poor man looks up and says: "Well, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65yjyc/a_rich_and_a_poor_man_at_a_bar/
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My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft...

I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65yjp7/my_dad_was_fired_from_his_job_in_road_work_for/
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When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed.

Things like, my job, my phone number and my address

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65yjoj/when_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_everything_changed/
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Whats the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest actually accomplishes something when its triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65yjkd/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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Why was jesus fit?

Because he does CROSSfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ygbl/why_was_jesus_fit/
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How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black?

Even god knows not to take a rib from a nigga!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65yfxr/how_do_you_know_adam_and_eve_werent_black/
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My wife got hit by a car the other day

I'm still trying to figure out what a car was doing in the kitchen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65yais/my_wife_got_hit_by_a_car_the_other_day/
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I used to be addicted to soap

I've been clean for 5 months now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65y97b/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
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Started a boat manufactory in my house's attic...

Sails are going through the roof...
P.s.: this is a repost from r/ Dadjokes, but i thought it would fit really well ; )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65y8th/started_a_boat_manufactory_in_my_houses_attic/
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I can cut a piece of wood in half by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65y750/i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_in_half_by_looking_at_it/
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I went shopping with my wife today...

When I came across a group of women in short skirts.
I looked over to my wife and said "Ooh, I bet you wish you had legs like *those*"
She didn't say anything, but I could tell she was upset; I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Waitrose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65y6zv/i_went_shopping_with_my_wife_today/
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A barber in my area was arrested yesterday for selling drugs...

I've been his customer for years, and i didn't even know he was a barber!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65y5gp/a_barber_in_my_area_was_arrested_yesterday_for/
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A student visits the principal’s office one day.

The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?”
The student replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65xs42/a_student_visits_the_principals_office_one_day/
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3 drunk guys...

Enter a taxi, the driver knowing they were drunk promptly started and turned off the engine. He said to the "we have arrived at your destination", the first guy gives him the money, the second guy says "thank you" and the third guy slaps him across the head very hard. The taxi driver, thinking that the third guy knew what he had done, but to the driver's surprise, he heard the third guy say "watch your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65xq91/3_drunk_guys/
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A man is going on a vacation

The man hires a house sitter to watch his house while he is gone. He comes back to his house and asks the sitter how everything went. "Oh everything was fine....Your cat died." The man says, "Oh my god that's terrible! Y'know, like prepare me for that sort of thing." This sitter didn't understand. "Like tell me, oh your cat was playing on the roof, it saw a butterfly and it scampered off the edge to get it, and unfortunately it didn't make it, or just something like that!", the man continues, "So was there anything else that happened while I was gone?" "So your mom was playing on the roof and..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65xoqg/a_man_is_going_on_a_vacation/
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Don't forget the whipped cream.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65xm4j/dont_forget_the_whipped_cream/
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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65xm1a/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
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What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?

Don't get carried away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65xlpi/whats_the_1_rule_of_kidnapping_prevention/
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Einstein dies and goes to heaven

. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,
"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to
sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome
to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees Donald Trump. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
Trump looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, Donald."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65xlic/einstein_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Two monks were fishing in the lake behind their monastery when they caught the biggest fish either of them had ever seen.

When the monk reeling it in got it on shore he was so overwhelmed with excitement he yelled "look at the size of that son-of-a-bitch!"
Aghast, the second monk looked at him with disgust. The monk thought quickly and said, "oh. Um. That's the name of this type of fish. It's actually a son-of-a-bitch fish."
Oh. Nodded the other monk. Well I guess I will take this son-of-a-bitch to the kitchen. He took the fish to the kitchen and said to the cook "will you cook this son-of-a-bitch for dinner tonight?" The cook's jaw dropped and the monk said "Oh don't worry, that's just the name of the fish. It's a son-of-a-bitch fish."
Satisfied with the explanation, he fileted and cooked the fish beautifully. Later that day, the cardinal of the monastery came to him and said "I have news. The pope is coming for dinner tonight."
"Oh!" said the cook. "Well I am preparing a delicious son-of-a-bitch for dinner, and yes, that's the name of the fish." The cardinal was puzzled and said "well ok then. See you tonight."
The pope arrived to a beautiful dinner. He asked the cardinal to pray over the meal. The cardinal prayed, "Dear Lord, thank you for allowing us to catch this son-of-a-bitch, prepare and cook this son-of-a-bitch, and allow us to serve this delicious son-of-a-bitch to the pope. Amen."
The Pope was wide eyed at the end of the prayer. He calmly pulled his hat off his head and set it on the table. He looks up and says, "I used to think you guys were lame, but you mother fuckers are all right!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65xl5t/two_monks_were_fishing_in_the_lake_behind_their/
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Atheism...

It's a non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65xiqz/atheism/
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What does a british real estate agent care most about?

His proper tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65xg0l/what_does_a_british_real_estate_agent_care_most/
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An Englishman wants to transform into an Irish.

He inquires the expert doctor about alternatives.
**Doc**: "We will have to remove the right half of your brain."
**Patient**: "Alright. Let's go through with it."
(The next day, after the procedure...)
**Doc**: "There were serious complications during the operation.
We had to remove your entire brain. There is of course the option of installing a monkey brain."
**Patient**: "Non, non, non. -C'est magnifique!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65xfho/an_englishman_wants_to_transform_into_an_irish/
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What musical instrument do you get if you fill a 55-gallon drum with fish?

A bass drum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65xeub/what_musical_instrument_do_you_get_if_you_fill_a/
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I have said it once and i will say it again,

"I have said it once and i will say it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65x9de/i_have_said_it_once_and_i_will_say_it_again/
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The United Airlines incident has me re-thinking the validity of...

the 'fight-or-flight' mechanism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65x7mi/the_united_airlines_incident_has_me_rethinking/
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80,000 blondes gather for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention"

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention ". The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer? " A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15? " After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen! " Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance! " The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance. " So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5? " After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety? " The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! " The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2? " The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four? ". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65x6jb/80000_blondes_gather_for_a_blondes_are_not_stupid/
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Why is sex like a bridge game?

You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65x5gx/why_is_sex_like_a_bridge_game/
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People go through 3 phases

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65x4t3/people_go_through_3_phases/
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My grandma has nearly finished her jigsaw after 3 weeks

Pretty good considering it says 7-8 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65x4mv/my_grandma_has_nearly_finished_her_jigsaw_after_3/
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A man was drinking the blood of a vampire...

He said, "Hm, irony"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65x1mi/a_man_was_drinking_the_blood_of_a_vampire/
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to her Women's Rights meeting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65x0p1/why_did_the_cow_cross_the_road/
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It's spring in New England, so I bought a high quality bug zapper to help deal with all those pests, and I woke up to protests outside my house.

# Blackfliesmatter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65x08n/its_spring_in_new_england_so_i_bought_a_high/
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I, for one...

I, for one, quite like Roman numerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wvb6/i_for_one/
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A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.”
The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.”
And the engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wtl2/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_are_playing_golf/
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Why is leather armor great for sneaking?

It's made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wtfk/why_is_leather_armor_great_for_sneaking/
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The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wt0e/the_new_father/
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When I was young I told my dad I wanted to be an astronaut...

He said, " The sky's the limit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wqtz/when_i_was_young_i_told_my_dad_i_wanted_to_be_an/
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My wedding was beautiful!

Even the cake was in tiers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wq19/my_wedding_was_beautiful/
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The interviewer asked me, "What's your biggest strength?"

I took a piece of paper out of my pocket and read from it, "My biggest strength is that I'm always prepared."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wnq5/the_interviewer_asked_me_whats_your_biggest/
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Give a man some jam and he can enjoy a nice piece of toast

Teach a man to jam and his Phish cover band will ruin your wedding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wm01/give_a_man_some_jam_and_he_can_enjoy_a_nice_piece/
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What's worse then finding out your dad has a second family?

Finding out that you are the second family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wiyb/whats_worse_then_finding_out_your_dad_has_a/
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A magician was walking down the street.

Then he turned into a grocery store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wivn/a_magician_was_walking_down_the_street/
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Three turtles go camping..... John, James and Patrick

Takes them five days to get there.
John turns around " Ok I've got the bottles of Beer" . Patrick nods and declares "I have the sandwiches". James looks at them both, stalls, then admits" Sorry guys, I forgot the bottle opener". Clearly irrated John tells James that he had better go home and get the one thing he was meant to bring. James refuses. "There is no way I am going back. You guys will eat the sandwiches." Seeing James worry, Patrick assures him that in no way is there any chance that they will touch the sandwiches before he gets back. Satisfied with his fellow campers resolve, James sets off to get the bottle opener. Taking in their surroundings, the remaining pair of turtles set up camp. Unconcerned with having to wait to eat their sandwiches they sit back and relax. One day passes. Five days pass. Ninth day arrives. They are getting a bit hungry. John looks at Patrick. " are you as hungry as I am" . Patrick smiles. " I am mega hungry, but we told James we wouldn't." The tenth day comes. No sign of James.  The twelfth day comes . Both turtles, starving and thirsty agree to take one small bite each. No sooner than they finish their self imposed rations, that James appears out from behind a rock. "  I knew you guys were liars. One of you two can go back. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wi63/three_turtles_go_camping_john_james_and_patrick/
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A piece of string walks into a bar

The bartender yells, "Get out, we do not serve string in here!"  About an hour later the string walks back in but he is all twisted, dirty, with his ends torn up.  The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the string I threw out of here?"  The string replies, "No I'm afraid not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wi34/a_piece_of_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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Where do you go when you're white and caught speeding, then get separated into different colours only to come out bent and totally different to how you came in?

Prism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65whbx/where_do_you_go_when_youre_white_and_caught/
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I'm not procrastinating...

....I have plenty of time left.
- courtesy of my 12 year old son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wgi8/im_not_procrastinating/
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Merry Christmas!

From everyone at the Alzheimer's society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wfad/merry_christmas/
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Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek.

It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides.
Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein and then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, "Newton! I found you. You're it!"
Newton smiles and says, "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wdqv/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_playing_hide_and/
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I got a job at a bakery

Because I really kneaded the dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65wbq4/i_got_a_job_at_a_bakery/
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A wife is like a hand grenade

Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65war6/a_wife_is_like_a_hand_grenade/
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The Irish are quick to help their fellow man

On a long outbound evening flight on Aer Lingus, the lead flight attendant came on the intercom and made the following announcement in her beautiful Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very sorry to inform you that there has been a terrible mixup by our catering service.  There were to be 105 meals onboard for all of our passengers, but alas, only 40 were placed in the gantry."
Once all the muttering of the hungry passengers died down a little, she continued with, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else so they can eat, will be given unlimited free drinks for the remainder of the flight."
The next announcement came about 3 hours later...
"Attention passengers, if anyone is hungry, there are still 40 dinners available."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65w9hj/the_irish_are_quick_to_help_their_fellow_man/
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What on Earth is a nosey pepper?!

It's one that gets all jalapeno business (sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65w98x/what_on_earth_is_a_nosey_pepper/
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Give a man a gun he can rob a bank...

Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65w98t/give_a_man_a_gun_he_can_rob_a_bank/
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Knock Knock

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Dave walked away crying because his grandpa had Alzheimer's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65w3vh/knock_knock/
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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.
The king devised a test. his engineers immediately began work on a massive pit filled with horrors.
On the day of reckoning, hundreds of brave men travelled from all the corners of the kingdom to prove their worth. They stood crowded at the edges of the pit waiting for the event to begin.
The king stood with the princess on the far side of the pit and addressed the crowd.
"Men. I seek the bravest and fiercest warrior to take my daughter's hand in marriage. To do so, simply cross this pit from that side to this and take her hand in yours. Additionally, I will..."
Before the king could finish, one of the warriors went straight into the pit and into a pool of black water. The crowd roared with excitement.
Starving crocodiles, imported from the Nile, immediately swarmed him. After a furious churning of blood and black water the warrior emerged.
As he advanced, a swinging pendulum missed his face by a hair. The warrior ducked, dodged, and rolled past flying arrows, battering rams, spinning swords, and spouts of fire.
The warrior was halfway through the pit when the lions pounced on him. The warrior was quick. He blinded them with mud and lured them into attacking each other. Some he killed with his bare hands.
A few steps later, a giant swung his massive club with a thunderous shout. The crowd watched in amazement as the warrior slowly wore out the giant and broke him down by steadily pelting stones at his head.
Finally, at long last, the giant fell.
The warrior slowly climbed out the far side of the pit, beaten and bloodied. He took the fair princess' hand in his.
"I am truly amazed" exclaimed the king.
"You went into my pit with no hesitation and have valiantly survived every obstacle. You are truly the rightful heir to my throne. However, you likely did not hear the rest of my proposal" said the king.
"Whoever survives the pit will not only take my daughter's hand in marriage, but may also make any request of the king that is in my power to grant. So, do you have a request, brave warrior?"
"Yes" said the warrior.
"Your highness, I want you to bring me the motherfucker that pushed me in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65w3mz/the_bravest_and_fiercest/
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There was a man who was trying to do something special for his new wife for her birthday.

He cant think of anything to give her, so he reluctantly goes to his Mother-in-law for some advice. She decides to go to the mall to shop for some things together.
On their way over to the mall, they get into a bad car accident. They get t-boned on the side of the car where the Mother-in-law was sitting. She had to get taken to the hospital immediately while the man suffered a few bruises.
The man was in the hospital waiting room to hear the news on how his Mother-in-law will be. The doctor comes out into the waiting room.
"I have some good news and some bad news." Says the doctor.
"What's the bad news?" asks the man.
The doctor explains, "The bad news is that your mother-in-law suffered some severe nerve damage to her neck and spine. She is paralyzed and will have to be assisted when she eats and uses the bathroom. She also has a serious head concussion that will leave her unable to speak indefinitely."
"Gee, doc." says the man. "What could the good news possibly be?"
"I was just kidding! She's dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65w2j2/there_was_a_man_who_was_trying_to_do_something/
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I've never seen a royal flush.

Then again, I've never been in the Queen's bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65vyrz/ive_never_seen_a_royal_flush/
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There are 10 kinds of people

Those who know binary and those who don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65vtq3/there_are_10_kinds_of_people/
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How (not) to chat a girl up at the bar.

A shy but handsome fellow is sitting at a club, sipping a cocktail, and sees a beautiful woman seated alone at the bar. After an hour of screwing up his courage he finally heads over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, hi. Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar turns in unison and stares at them. Naturally, the poor guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he shuffles back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate in Psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, 200 dollars an hour!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65vsrv/how_not_to_chat_a_girl_up_at_the_bar/
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The dead cow lecture

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor".
"The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65vh0h/the_dead_cow_lecture/
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My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.
And I saw my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65vfme/my_dad_told_me_never_to_go_to_a_cheap_sleazy/
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What was the internet technicians dying words?

Tell my WiFi love her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65vexs/what_was_the_internet_technicians_dying_words/
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Whats similar between a hurricane and women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65vca2/whats_similar_between_a_hurricane_and_women/
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A jounalist walks into an abbey

As he was interviewing a monk, he hears a strange heavenly sound.
"What was that?", he asked.
The monk replied: "It's a secret."
"A secret?!"
"Nobody knows what it is, not even the US president. However, we can tell you if you become a Hebbernous monk, like us."
Baffled, the journalist thought it would be an award-winning subject for his interview.
"Well, what does it take to become a Hebbernous monk?"
The monk replied: "First, you have to memorize the whole bible."
"Challenge accepted."
The journalist went back home and spent one month memorizing every verse of the bible. Then, he went back to the abbey.
"Here's a complete video of me reciting the bible."
"Great job." The monk said. "Now, you have to build ten monasteries in ten different countries. Don't worry, our generous abbey will pay for you."
"Uhm... Okay, deal"
Two months have passed and ten monasteries were indeed built in ten different countries. The next day, the journalist went back to the abbey.
"Am I a monk now?"
"Not yet. You have to help 1,000 families in Africa by finding them a home and a steady income."
"DAM- I mean, yeah, piece of cake."
It took the journalist three months to help all the families. Exhausted, he rushed back to the abbey.
"Tell me, am I finally a monk?!"
The monk said, "Congratulations, you're officially a Hebbernous monk! So, you want to know what is this heavenly music coming from behind that door?"
"YES! TELL ME!"
"I'll let you discover it by yourself. Here's the key."
As the journalist opened the door, he finally saw the source of this mysterious sound.
But I won't tell you what it is, you're not a Hebbernous monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65vb49/a_jounalist_walks_into_an_abbey/
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My wife is turning 32 soon...

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65va75/my_wife_is_turning_32_soon/
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Mountains are really funny.

You could say they are hill-areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65v9f8/mountains_are_really_funny/
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Why do some people think Jesus was black?

Cause he is our father, and he never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65v924/why_do_some_people_think_jesus_was_black/
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An indian, muslim and black man is in the Siberian mountains

They are seeking shelter and find a house belonging to a farmer. They knock on the door and ask if they can stay the night there, the farmer agrees but since there is only room for two of them inside the house, one must sleep in the barn.
"Well, I do not mind a little discomfort," the muslim man says, "I will sleep in the barn tonight."
Later they hear a knock on the door and open the door to find the muslim man
"There is a pig in the barn, the pig is unclean I cannot sleep in the barn"
"That's fine, I will sleep in the barn instead," says the indian man and he went to the barn
Later they hear a knock on the door and open it to find the indian man
"There is a cow in the barn," says the indian man "the cow is holy, i cannot sleep in the barn"
"Damn it," says the black man, "I knew it would come to this" and he went to the barn
Later they hear a knock on the door, and open the door to find a pig and a cow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65v8y3/an_indian_muslim_and_black_man_is_in_the_siberian/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65v8ak/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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What did Jesus say at the last supper?

"Everyone get on this side of the table if you want to be in the picture!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65v5la/what_did_jesus_say_at_the_last_supper/
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What do trees do when they get lonely?

They pine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65v4zi/what_do_trees_do_when_they_get_lonely/
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What's a philosopher's favourite type of tea?

Certain *tea*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65v45x/whats_a_philosophers_favourite_type_of_tea/
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Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever.

I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65v3vb/sociologists_say_that_social_media_is_creating/
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If dogs had the ability to speak to humans

We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65v2eh/if_dogs_had_the_ability_to_speak_to_humans/
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How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65uwmz/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift…

But I couldn't find a manual…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ustr/i_wanted_to_learn_to_drive_a_stick_shift/
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What's the difference between US-A and US-B?

US-A connects to all your devices & accesses your data, and US-B is a hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65uqsb/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
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The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel...

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees a light approaching into the tunnel
The train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railway
EDDIT: u/mandrous's critic accepted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65umte/the_pessimist_only_sees_darkness_into_the_tunnel/
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From the time it was discovered to the time it was declassified as a planet, pluto did not make a full revolution around the sun.

It was a tough year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ujuh/from_the_time_it_was_discovered_to_the_time_it/
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What's E.T. Short for?

Because he's only got little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65uiwo/whats_et_short_for/
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Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn’t it your mother-in-law’s funeral today?”

Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn’t it your
mother-in-law’s funeral today?”
“Well you know how it is.Work first, then fun.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65uhd7/oh_i_didnt_expect_you_at_work_today_mr_brundy/
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Jump off the magic mountain and scream what you want to be...... said the monk

The first guy ran and jumped off the mountain and said " Eagle". In the blink of an eye he transformed into an eagle and flew away.
The second guy ran and jumped off the mountain and said "Tiger". He instantly turned into tiger and ran off into the sunset.
Determined not to be out done, the third guy ran to jump off the mountain but stumbled on a rock and said "oohh shit" as he jumped.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65u8t9/jump_off_the_magic_mountain_and_scream_what_you/
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One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married?

Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65u1vx/one_day_a_friend_asked_why_arent_you_married/
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They say that laughter is the best medicine.

Well, I have diarrhea and it's making it worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65u150/they_say_that_laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
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Damn girl, are you Hilary Clinton's email server?

.
Because your incredibly insecure
.
Hahaha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65u0lu/damn_girl_are_you_hilary_clintons_email_server/
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A blonde, brunette, and redhead were stranded on a desert island.

As they were walking along the shore, they found an old lamp. While cleaning it up a genie appears. He looks at the 3 of them and says, you get 3 wishes, one each. The redhead wishes to be sent back to her condo and find that it's all paid off and redecorated. The brunette wishes to be sent on a cruise ship that will take her to every country in the world. The blonde is stuck...finally she says "I wish my friends were here to help me pick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65tzhl/a_blonde_brunette_and_redhead_were_stranded_on_a/
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Email from God

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on.   He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned,   he told God,   "Yes,   it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said,   "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."   So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said,   "Yes,   it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased.   So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good,   because He wanted to encourage them.   Give them a little something to help them keep going.   Do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
I didn't get one either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65tyjb/email_from_god/
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Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend,   "My elbow really hurts,   I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered,   "Don't do that.   There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor.   Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.   It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose,   so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.   Finding the computer,   he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.   The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.   After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:   You have tennis elbow.   Soak your arm in warm water.   Avoid heavy lifting.   It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever,   he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.   He decided to give it a try.   He mixed together some tap water,   a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.   To top it off,   he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store,   located the machine,   poured in the sample and deposited the $10.   The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard - Get a water softener.   Your dog has worms - Get him vitamins.   Your daughter is using cocaine.   - Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.   Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.   - They aren't yours.   - Get a lawyer.   And if you don't stop jerking off,   your tennis elbow will never get better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65txzd/computer_diagnosis/
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A man walks in to a bar with a gun. He yells "Who ever had sex with my wife is going to die".

A man shouts from the back "You don't have enough bullets".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65tsyq/a_man_walks_in_to_a_bar_with_a_gun_he_yells_who/
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How did the farmer find his wife?

He Tractor down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65tib1/how_did_the_farmer_find_his_wife/
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My Church accepts ALL Denominations

$1, $2, $5, $10, $20, $50, AND $100!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65tcvu/my_church_accepts_all_denominations/
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I'm organizing a party for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

So if you can't come, let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65tcm2/im_organizing_a_party_for_people_who_have_trouble/
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What is the first rule of Tautology Club?

The first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65tc4q/what_is_the_first_rule_of_tautology_club/
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Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...

...unless you are donating blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65t6r0/whatever_you_do_in_life_always_give_100/
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A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds

. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she fluttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Fuck me or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello," said the ugly fat man said, "my name is Cess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65t4vh/a_man_was_walking_along_the_street_when_he_saw_a/
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"What's the capital of Alaska?"

\- "Juneau".
\- "No, I don't, that's why I'm asking".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65t2oh/whats_the_capital_of_alaska/
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Two nuns stand smoking outside their convent...

Two nuns stand smoking outside their convent.
There's a crack of thunder, the clouds roll in, and it starts to rain.
The younger of the nuns, Sister Agnes, pulls out a condom, bites the end off, and rolls it over her cigarette.
The older nun, Sister Rosemary, looks on, dumbfounded.
"What in the Lord's good name is that you've put on your cigarette, Sister Agnes?" She says.
"Why," says Sister Agnes, "it's a condom." She holds her cigarette up in the rain. "It stops your cigarette getting wet."
"Well, that's marvellous!" Sister Rosemary gasps. "What a fine idea."
The next day, Sister Rosemary -- suitably impressed -- decides to walk down to the pharmacy in the village.
"Good morning!" She smiles to the Saturday boy behind the till. "I'd like some condoms please."
"Oh!" the boy exclaims, looking for something to say, and visibly red. "Well... um... how... how many would you l-like?"
"Oh, I don't mind," says Sister Rosemary, smiling, "as long as they fit on a Camel..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65t28k/two_nuns_stand_smoking_outside_their_convent/
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The other day I saw 4 gang members beating up a kid.

So I decided to step in. He didn't stand a chance against 5 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65t0rm/the_other_day_i_saw_4_gang_members_beating_up_a/
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NASA should tell the US government they found oil on Mars

And then watch the funding skyrocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65szz4/nasa_should_tell_the_us_government_they_found_oil/
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What do you call a a bunch of epileptic vegans at a rave?

Seizure Salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65sw13/what_do_you_call_a_a_bunch_of_epileptic_vegans_at/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
Happy Easter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65sut3/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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The Old Arab and His Potatoes

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.
He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.
His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65stqk/the_old_arab_and_his_potatoes/
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During WWII, an Australian, a British and an American P.O.W. are forcibly recruited by a brilliant Nazi scientist to undergo an experimental treatment…

The purpose of the experiment is to create human time-keeping machines. They are each placed in separate rooms and subjected to intense brainwashing. After a week of treatment, the scientist comes to inspect on their progress.
He first looks in on the Australian soldier. Staring blankly ahead, the Australian jerks his head from side to side, chanting, “tic … toc … tic … toc … tic … toc …” “Excellent!” exclaims the scientist. He then inspects the Brit, who displays the same behaviour, droning, “tic … toc … tic … toc … tic … toc …” “Outstanding!” exclaims the scientist. Finally, he checks on the American. Repeatedly jerking his head to the left, the American murmurs, “tic ... tic ... tic … tic ... tic … tic ...” Frustrated, the scientist orders further treatment for the prisoners.
Returning a week later, the scientist inspects the three prisoners. The Australian and the Brit again demonstrate successful treatment, saying, “tic … toc … tic … toc … tic … toc …” But the American once again says, “tic ... tic ... tic … tic ... tic … tic ...”
After yet another week of treatment, the scenario once again repeats itself. The Australian and the Brit say, “tic … toc … tic … toc … tic … toc …,” while the American says, “tic ... tic ... tic … tic ... tic … tic ...”
Glaring intensely at the American soldier, the scientist inches slowly towards him while rubbing his hands together, and says, “Vee have vays of making you toc!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65stln/during_wwii_an_australian_a_british_and_an/
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we're about to take an exam..

Right before the test the teacher gives the class some smarties candy and says "some smarties for the smarties." then, after the test, the teacher gave us a lolipop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ssjb/were_about_to_take_an_exam/
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Bitch

A lady from South Carolina meets up with a woman from New York
South Carolina lady: Where y'all from?
New Yorker: Where I'm from, we don't end a   sentence with a preposition
South Carolina lady: Oh okay, Where y'all from, bitch?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65sprd/bitch/
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What did the boy bat send to the girl bat?

sapnu puas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65snqd/what_did_the_boy_bat_send_to_the_girl_bat/
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Parallel lines have so much in common.

It's a shame they''ll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65snl5/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
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A woman has just removed her clothes to get into the shower when she hears a knock on the door.

Woman: "Who is it?"
Blind Guy: "It's the blind guy!"
Woman: *Well, he can't see me anyway....* (opens the door)
Blind Guy: "Nice tits! Where do you want these blinds?"
Credit: A barber in SC years ago. If it's a repost, I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65sly9/a_woman_has_just_removed_her_clothes_to_get_into/
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Why did Donald Trump lock down the White House when the Easter Bunny was escaping?

because his hare is almost gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65sioi/why_did_donald_trump_lock_down_the_white_house/
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I read a book about a girl with wooden breasts

If that were real that would be odd, wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65shpe/i_read_a_book_about_a_girl_with_wooden_breasts/
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Every time someone butt-dials me, my wife gets really upset

Clearly she has a problem with bootie calls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65shai/every_time_someone_buttdials_me_my_wife_gets/
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A man goes to church on Easter Sunday and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife asks him how he got the black eyes.
Man: Old Ms. Johnson was sitting in front of me during mass, when she stood up I noticed her dress was stuck in butt crack, so I reached out and gently tugged it out. She spun around, was really mad and punched me in the eye.
Wife: that explains one black eye, what about the other one?
Man: I figured she must have liked her dress stuck up in her butt crack, so when she turned around I stuffed it back up there for her.
Happy Easter :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65sgza/a_man_goes_to_church_on_easter_sunday_and_returns/
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"I see," said the blind man...

...as he picked up a hammer and saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65sfct/i_see_said_the_blind_man/
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If towels could tell jokes...

They'd probably have a dry sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65sb09/if_towels_could_tell_jokes/
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What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65s71f/what_do_you_call_someone_who_points_out_the/
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I woke up this morning to a tap on my door.

Fuck that plumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65s617/i_woke_up_this_morning_to_a_tap_on_my_door/
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Why doesn't Doctor Who travel with United Airlines?

Because the tardis is faster.
Yeah, you were expecting a joke about that doctor who got kicked off the United Airlines flight, but you were wrong.
WRONG!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65s5gk/why_doesnt_doctor_who_travel_with_united_airlines/
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Do you know what I hate? Inspirational quotes

Because no matter what you read, only you can be the driving force behind your success.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65s5fk/do_you_know_what_i_hate_inspirational_quotes/
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So, the baby frog finally got his Ancestry.com results in...

It turns out he is a tad Polish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65s4va/so_the_baby_frog_finally_got_his_ancestrycom/
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If at first you don't succeed

Skydiving isn't for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65s4sd/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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Daughter to a father had not seen her father for 25 years...

And now he lies in his deathbed. The girl stood, weeping at the side of the bed, guilty she had not visited him in the 25 year gap.
"Dad, I'm sorry..." She said, tears trailing down from the corner of her eyes.
"Hi Sorry, I'm Dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65s458/daughter_to_a_father_had_not_seen_her_father_for/
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What does gay mean?

Son: Dad, what does gay mean?
Dad: It means happy.
Son: Are you gay Dad?
Dad: No, son, I have a wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65s435/what_does_gay_mean/
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I like my cookies like i like my co-pilot....

Chewie
---Dad joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65s3ou/i_like_my_cookies_like_i_like_my_copilot/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexics Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65s28f/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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There are three things I hate:

Racists, niggers, and hypocrites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rxx6/there_are_three_things_i_hate/
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If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rxwq/if_con_is_the_opposite_of_pro_then_is_congress/
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A man goes to the doctor's for a circumcision

He asks how much it will cost.
The doctor replies, "No charge, i only take the tips."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rx8t/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors_for_a_circumcision/
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An Elderly Couple is Celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 50 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rvy8/an_elderly_couple_is_celebrating_their_50th/
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A sandwich walks into a bar...

The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rv8e/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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Man was having an interview for a new job

Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Man: Shape Shifting
Interviewer: Is that so?
Interviewer: Yes
Interviewer: Holy Shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ruyb/man_was_having_an_interview_for_a_new_job/
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Will glass coffins be the next years big thing?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ruyc/will_glass_coffins_be_the_next_years_big_thing/
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Why does the Easter Bunny hide eggs?

Because he doesn't want anyone to know he fucks chickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rsx6/why_does_the_easter_bunny_hide_eggs/
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When I see lovers names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute

I just think of how many people must bring knives on dates!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rrq1/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_into_a_tree_i_dont/
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Soon I'll have a driverless car...

I'm not getting a Tesla. It's just my insurance runs out and I can't afford to renew it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rrcn/soon_ill_have_a_driverless_car/
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I should have broken up with my boyfriend when he showed me his collection of Soviet memorabilia...

I mean, the red flags were right there in front of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rqz9/i_should_have_broken_up_with_my_boyfriend_when_he/
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Oklahoma

It's a pretty OK state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rokw/oklahoma/
%
When I was a kid I used to name my dog, "Dad"

Because he used to run away all the time
Credit: Mike Falzone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rkxj/when_i_was_a_kid_i_used_to_name_my_dog_dad/
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What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

P. It's like an R, but missing a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rkk2/whats_a_pirates_least_favourite_letter/
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why is peter pan always flying?

he neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rirq/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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I was told if I wanted to plan a murder, I needed to take everything one step at a time...

So I pushed my victim down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rh7d/i_was_told_if_i_wanted_to_plan_a_murder_i_needed/
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What do Lifesaver candies do that men cannot?

Come in 5 different flavors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rghk/what_do_lifesaver_candies_do_that_men_cannot/
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The following is a tourist's review of Tatooine:

"I was way too hot, two stars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rf0p/the_following_is_a_tourists_review_of_tatooine/
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What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.
Happy Easter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65rex6/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_rabbits_walking/
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Today, Jesus rose from the dead. He had been wipped, spat on, flogged, humiliated, and crucified.

In fact, he was beaten so badly you'd think  he flew united.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ravw/today_jesus_rose_from_the_dead_he_had_been_wipped/
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A woman goes to a husband store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in town, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are the 347294th visitor to this floor. There are no husbands on this floor. This floor only exists to show no matter how many times a joke is reposted, some redditors will still read it. Thank you for shopping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65r8iu/a_woman_goes_to_a_husband_store/
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This mnemonic joke helps you remember the alphabet...

Acronym
Based
Comedy
Doesn't
Ever
Feel
Good
Honestly,
I
Just
Keep
Lamenting
My
Negative
Opinion,
Perhaps
Questioning
Reality
Serves
The
Universe
Very
Well
...
Xylophone, yak, zebra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65r5mp/this_mnemonic_joke_helps_you_remember_the_alphabet/
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I saw Batman leaving Church early on Easter

It was the first time I had seen a Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65r583/i_saw_batman_leaving_church_early_on_easter/
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I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey

But then I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65r2za/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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My wife says SHE is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like SHE is the man of the house…

So I divorced her and took the house. (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65r14g/my_wife_says_she_is_the_main_breadwinner_and_i/
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Three blondes are walking through a forest

...when they spot tracks on the ground. The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65quxi/three_blondes_are_walking_through_a_forest/
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What happens when you give a politician Viagra?

He gets taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qulb/what_happens_when_you_give_a_politician_viagra/
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Why couldn't Jesus cross the street alone?

He had two holed hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qu3s/why_couldnt_jesus_cross_the_street_alone/
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The Power of Christ

Mary notices that her son Jesus is 30 years old and still a virgin. So she tells the local prostitute to show Jesus, what being with a woman is all about.
The prostitute takes Jesus into a room while his mother waits outside. A few minutes later she comes screaming out of the room.
Mary asks Jesus: "Son, what happend?!"
Jesus says: "Well, the woman and I sat next to each other and we talked for a bit. Then she put her hand on my arm, so I put my hand on her arm. Next she moved her hand between my legs, so I moved my hand between her legs. Right then I noticed she was missing a body part.
That's why I healed her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qsil/the_power_of_christ/
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Birds and Bees

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qs79/birds_and_bees/
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Jesus thought he was cool when he walked on water until...

He met Luke, a Skywalker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qozn/jesus_thought_he_was_cool_when_he_walked_on_water/
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Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."
Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."
Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qny4/jesus_and_the_disciples_are_at_the_last_supper/
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Three nuns die and are at the pearly gates waiting to get in.

This where they are informed that since they are nuns and held to a higher standard, they will have to answer the three questions.
The first nun steps up and the first question is asked, Who was the first man on earth? Oh that's easy she says, that was Adam. And the bells start ringing and the angels start singing and the gates open up. The next nun steps up, Who was the first woman on earth? is now asked of her.Eve she says, and the bells start ringing ,the angels start singing and the gates open up and in she goes. Unfortunately you get the hard question the third nun is informed. Ok she says, let me hear it...Your question is, What was the first thing Eve said to Adam? Oh my that IS a hard one the nun states, and the bells start ringing,the angels are singing and the gates open up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qncu/three_nuns_die_and_are_at_the_pearly_gates/
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A marriage is a lot like a card game

In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qltk/a_marriage_is_a_lot_like_a_card_game/
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Two angels run out of weed

One of them is very upset but the other says "Fear not" and points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ql5n/two_angels_run_out_of_weed/
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A young nun, new to the convent, goes fishing in the pond behind the chapel.

She soon catches a massive fish, and struggles to pull it up onto the shore.
An old drunk from the nearby town was walking by at the moment, and calls out, "Look at the size of that fucker!"
The young nun is immediately offended.  "Sir!" she protests, "how dare you speak like that in front of a woman of the cloth?"
The drunk, thinking quickly, responds, "No offense meant at all, sister!  That is the name of the fish!  It's a 'fucker' fish.  I should know, I've been fishing for years!"
"Oh," the nun replies, "well, I apologize for chastising you, then." and took the fish into the convent.
"What have you got there?" an old groundskeeper asked her.
"It's a great big fucker!" the nun beamed, proudly.
"Sister! how dare you speak that way!"
"No! No! That's what type of fish it is! Its a 'fucker' fish!"
"Oh, well, I had never heard of that, but let me clean it for you, and we'll cook it up."
So the groundskeeper cleaned the fish and got it prepared to cook. And with pride, he marched the big fish into the kitchen, where the cook was prepping that night's dinner.
"What have you got there? That's a beauty!"The cook asked.
"It's a fucker!" the groundskeeper replied, proud of his work at cleaning it.
"Sir!" The cook chastised, "you can't speak like that in the Lord's house!"
"No, no, no! That's the name of the type of fish! It's a fucker fish! The new, young nun caught it!"
"Oh, well, in that case, I'll cook it up for tonight's dinner, the bishop tells me that we are going to have a special guest!"
So the cook prepared the fish and cooked it to perfection, and put it out on the big banquet table where the entire population of the convent had gathered.  And then, the special guest of honor arrived.  The pope.  The group was abuzz with the arrival of their special guest and hung on every one of his words. He observed the massive spread on the table, and looked at the massive fish that was presented as a centerpiece to the meal.
"What a lovely fish!" The pope praised.
Awash in pride, the young nun blurted out, "I caught the fucker!"
The groundskeeper chimed in, "I cleaned the fucker!"
and the cook shouted, "And, I cooked the fucker!"
The room fell in complete shocked silence as the other nuns, and the bishop stared in complete horror at the language they had just heard.
"You know something," the Pope started, reclining in his chair, putting his hands behind his head, and putting his feet up on the table, "you bastards are alright."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qk3j/a_young_nun_new_to_the_convent_goes_fishing_in/
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God decides to tighten the requirements to get into heaven. You must know the real reason to celebrate holidays.

A redhead, brunette and a blonde are at the pearly gates, and St Peter asks them why we celebrate Easter.
The redhead says, "We celebrate Easter by giving chocolate bunnies and going on Easter Egg hunts!" St. Peter says, "Sorry, you can't get into heaven."
The brunette goes, "We celebrate Easter by not eating meat for 40 days." St. Peter again denies access.
It's the blonde's turn, and she says, "Easter is about Jesus. You see, he was crucified by Pontias Pilot and made the ultimate sacrifice for us. Then he was placed in a giant tomb. To make sure his followers didn't take the body, a massive rock was used to close of the entrance. But it didn't work. Jesus arose from the tomb on Easter!"
Impressed, St. Peter said, "Welcome to heav----"
And the blonde blurts out, "And if he sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of winter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qjhz/god_decides_to_tighten_the_requirements_to_get/
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What's Sherlock's favourite type of rock?

Sedimentary my dear Watson...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qivu/whats_sherlocks_favourite_type_of_rock/
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A Zen Master...

Walks up to a hotdog stand and says,
"Make me one with everything."
-That's the best I've got

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qgas/a_zen_master/
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What do you call someone who works for buzzfeed?

A cancer cell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qfqk/what_do_you_call_someone_who_works_for_buzzfeed/
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Never date a tennis player

They like to settle their differences in court

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qear/never_date_a_tennis_player/
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I'll never forget my grandpa's last words to me before he died.

Are you still holding the fucking ladder?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65qbp9/ill_never_forget_my_grandpas_last_words_to_me/
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A man is sitting in a bar...

and picks up a cup, taking a sip. All of a sudden, he spits it out, grimacing. The bartender, startled, asked what was wrong.
It's not my cup of tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65q88k/a_man_is_sitting_in_a_bar/
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Two nuns are driving down the road when Dracula jumps out.

"Quickly," says the first, "show him your cross". The other winds down the window and leans out and yells, "Get out of the road you jerk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65q628/two_nuns_are_driving_down_the_road_when_dracula/
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Two rabbis would go fishing regularly...

One day they decided to invite a priest that they had known for a long time. They reach their fishing hike and go out in their boat. One rabbi says: "hang on I forgot my lures," and he walks back to the shore for them. The priest stares wide eyed as the rabbi walks back over the water.
Some time later the other rabbi announces that he is thirsty and goes back walking over the water to get some soda. The priest is now really miffed. "If they can do it so can I,"and he steps outside the boat and promptly goes under.
The rabbis pull him into the boat and one of them asks the other: "should we tell him where the rocks are?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65q35y/two_rabbis_would_go_fishing_regularly/
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How many men does it take to open a beer?

None it should be open by the time she hands it to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65q2oa/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_open_a_beer/
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I'm going to this year's Fibonacci convention.

It'll be as big as the last two put together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65q2h3/im_going_to_this_years_fibonacci_convention/
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Two guys are arguing if there is baseball in heaven...

Two guys are arguing about whether there is baseball in heaven. One says there is and the other says there isn't. They go back and forth and in the end agree to disagree. They make a bet that if one of them dies that they come back and tell the other if there really is baseball in heaven.
A few months later one of the two dies and, true to his word, comes back and tells the other he has good news and bad news. Good news is that there is baseball in heaven! Bad news is you're scheduled to pitch next Thursday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65q25j/two_guys_are_arguing_if_there_is_baseball_in/
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I finally saved up enough money that I could afford to listen to my heart.

It turns out that's just a metaphor.
Anyway, I have a stethoscope for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65pzbb/i_finally_saved_up_enough_money_that_i_could/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65py0m/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stuck_on_an/
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Dad says, "Now son, watching all of that porn will screw up your eyes."

"I'm over here Dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65pxkr/dad_says_now_son_watching_all_of_that_porn_will/
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What is the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun has only one trigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65pugy/what_is_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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Why is Jesus easy to insult?

It takes him 3 days to comeback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65puco/why_is_jesus_easy_to_insult/
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What's the subtle difference between Saddam Hussein and a sperm?

One comes from Baghdad, the other cums from Dads bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ptw3/whats_the_subtle_difference_between_saddam/
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Jesus told his desciples: "I tell you the truth, that Y = X^2 + 3X -5." But they didn't understand…

…because Jesus was speaking parabolically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65psyi/jesus_told_his_desciples_i_tell_you_the_truth/
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Name a state that most people live in?

Depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65pi0h/name_a_state_that_most_people_live_in/
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Had my girlfriend wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for roleplay

She got my name wrong during sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65pcoc/had_my_girlfriend_wear_her_starbucks_uniform_to/
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Ebay needs to step their game up.

I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65parz/ebay_needs_to_step_their_game_up/
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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

"Since when?"
"The policy went into effect a year ago."
"OK, be right back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65p9s8/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers/
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Why are there fences around cemeteries?

People are dying to get in.
*Told to me by pastor this morning just before Sunrise Service.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65p9k9/why_are_there_fences_around_cemeteries/
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game...

... They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65p8nx/a_guy_took_his_blonde_girlfriend_to_her_first/
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A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.
Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65p8lq/a_church_has_a_rat_problem/
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The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him

“Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”
“John,” the new seaman replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?”
“Aye, Aye Chief!”
“Now that we've got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”
“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65p8al/the_navy_chief_noticed_a_new_seaman_and_barked_at/
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Why does the Easter bunny hide his eggs?

He doesn't want anyone to know he's been messing around with a chicken.
(It's the only Easter joke that I know)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65p800/why_does_the_easter_bunny_hide_his_eggs/
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A priest and a minister were golfing...

...when the minister swung and hit a rabbit with his shot. They both went up to the rabbit and saw that it was dead. Then the priest takes a small bottle out of his pocket and pours the contents onto the rabbit. Immediately the rabbit wakes up and hops away.
The minister says "Wow, I've never seen holy water do that!"
And the priest says, "That wasn't holy water... it was hare restorer."
Credit to my priest told this joke this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65p7pg/a_priest_and_a_minister_were_golfing/
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Yesterday I insulted a fencer...

He made a convincing riposte. I got the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65p7dy/yesterday_i_insulted_a_fencer/
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Hannah Baker's short hair is horrendous.

I thought her hair stylist would be the thirteenth reason why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65p3up/hannah_bakers_short_hair_is_horrendous/
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What did the milk say to the cereal as it was leaving the bowl?

Cheerio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65p3aw/what_did_the_milk_say_to_the_cereal_as_it_was/
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Friction annoys me.

It's such a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65p36c/friction_annoys_me/
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A Neutron walks in to a bar and asks the bartender "how much for a drink?"

The bartender replies "for you, no charge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65p0j8/a_neutron_walks_in_to_a_bar_and_asks_the/
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I went mad when I found out my mum used to have sex with animals before I was born...

I killed her with my bear hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65p0at/i_went_mad_when_i_found_out_my_mum_used_to_have/
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I used to be a necrophiliac zoophile into BDSM.

Then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ozgr/i_used_to_be_a_necrophiliac_zoophile_into_bdsm/
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I got home the other day and my dad was on the floor having a stroke.

I told him that's disgusting and to do that in private from now on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65oz9r/i_got_home_the_other_day_and_my_dad_was_on_the/
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eBay is useless...

...I wanted lighters but all they had were 31,415 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65oyox/ebay_is_useless/
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Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium

Batman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65oxoy/sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium/
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You have to be careful if you're going to have phone sex.

You might get hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ox9d/you_have_to_be_careful_if_youre_going_to_have/
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Why couldn't the pokemon trainer catch Mewtwo?

He didn't have the balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65owzv/why_couldnt_the_pokemon_trainer_catch_mewtwo/
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An odd joke

Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never liked his odd name. He told her that, when he died, she should just put his birthday and date of death on the grave, without his name. Sure enough, several years later, Odd passed away. His wife did as he had requested, and buried him, putting only his birthday and date of death on the gravestone. But it was futile. To this day, people still walk by the grave and say:
"Isn't that Odd?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ows2/an_odd_joke/
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A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from voice recognition software to sleight of hand, were thrown around.
But time and time again, the man would insist that no, it was simply a sentient calculator.
Now, at first, the people simply figured that the man didn't want to reveal his trick and left it at that. But time passed, and throughout the years, the man would show his sentient calculator again and again, and even tried to get it submitted into a technology competition. The judges laughed it out, but the man kept on going on about his sentient calculator.
After a while, people began to think he was crazy. That didn't bother him any, since his family loved him and he had his sentient calculator.
His wife, who knew him best, simply thought that this was her beloved husbands one eccentricity, and paid it no mind. She was - like everybody - slightly concerned about how much attention the man gave to the calculator, but he loved their children and was a good father and a husband, so she let it go.
Then, one night when they were lying in bed together, the man began to talk seriously about how they needed to get the calculator wider recognition. After all, he said, a sentient calculator simply can't be left to rot in the suburbs!
At first, the wife ignored this, as she had everything else about the calculator, but night after night, when they were alone, and with every indication of seriousness, the man spoke about the calculator. For a couple of weeks, the wife tried her best to ignore the man. She figured this was some sort of long joke, and waited patiently for the punchline.
It never came. What did come was more and more talk about the calculator, until finally she'd had enough. In no uncertain terms, she told the man that if he did not stop talking about the calculator, she would go to the local hospital and book him an appointment with a psychiatrist.
The man wasn't deterred. He turned to his best friend, who likewise ignored him. He went to his parents, who likewise ignored him. He spoke to professors at the local university - they all ignored him. He tried every single public official, every scientific institute, even some pseudoscientific groups; all ignored him. He was feeling blue - after all, if he couldn't get people who believed in UFOs to listen to him, who would?
He returned home, only to find that his wife had taken the children and left. Furthermore, the note on the kitchen table said she'd called the police to force him to go to the psychiatrist - and as if on cue, he heard the sirens.
Acting quickly, he ran up to the bedroom and took his shotgun out of the gun safe. Then, he ran to barricade all the doors and windows, and took up position in the second floor. From there, he could see only one squad car - but as soon as they spotted the barricades and the man peering down with a shotgun, they quickly left to call backup.
Soon enough, what seemed to be the entirety of the city's police force was at his doorstep. The man pondered his options: if he were to run, they would catch him, and there was no way for him to fight them off. Sadly, he realized that this would be his last stand. He could not let them take the calculator away.
Tears in his eyes, he turned to his calculator, and asked:
"You are my only friend in this world, and I am sorry that I can not get you the recognition you deserve. It seems as if this is the end. The only thing I ask of you is this: will you stay with me, until the end?"
And the calculator replied:
"You can count on me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ow2i/a_man_owned_a_sentient_calculator/
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The Queen and Prince Charles

are enjoying a cup of tea when there's suddenly a knock on the door. The Queen goes to open it and it's the Death standing on the other side.
So the Queen shouts loudly: "Hey Charles, it's for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ow11/the_queen_and_prince_charles/
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Where do mailmen go for vacation?

Parcelona

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65oux8/where_do_mailmen_go_for_vacation/
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Why did North Korea's missile fail?

It had projectile disfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ot3t/why_did_north_koreas_missile_fail/
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Teacher & little Johnny

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
Nobody stands up
Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
Little Johnny stands up
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ornr/teacher_little_johnny/
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Construction

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.
The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65or5f/construction/
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Martian wife swap

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.
“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…”
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65oqma/martian_wife_swap/
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First condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65oq5v/first_condom/
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Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Because Ken came in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65oq3l/why_isnt_there_a_pregnant_barbie_doll/
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My dog likes to chase people on a bike.

I got frustrated from all the complaints so I took the bike away from him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ops9/my_dog_likes_to_chase_people_on_a_bike/
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What is a pirates favourite part of a house?

The Yar-d

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65opng/what_is_a_pirates_favourite_part_of_a_house/
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Why were the star wars movies released 4,5,6,1,2,3?

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ooo6/why_were_the_star_wars_movies_released_456123/
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Jewish Sons.

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65onw9/jewish_sons/
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Clever mother

A woman goes to her son's house for dinner with his "roommate"
Throughout dinner he bends over backwards to point out how they're roommates, sleeping in separate bedrooms etc
They have a delicious dinner with the best silverware and then she heads home
He's cleaning up and sees that a serving spoon is missing
A few days later she gets a call from her son
"I'm not saying you did take the silver spoon, but the fact remains, it's been missing since you were here"
His clever mother replied
"I'm not saying you and your "roommate" are dating, but the fact remains, if he was sleeping in the second bedroom, he'd have found the spoon by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65omon/clever_mother/
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What does Captain America and Spain have in common?

A horrific Civil War

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65omgf/what_does_captain_america_and_spain_have_in_common/
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A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.
The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ol27/a_hungry_traveler_stopped_at_a_monastery_and_was/
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One morning my girlfriend was sitting at the breakfast table doing a puzzle

"Gosh this puzzle is really hard!" she exclaims, throwing her hands in the air.
I take a look and reply "For fucks sake Barbara, those are cornflakes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65okq5/one_morning_my_girlfriend_was_sitting_at_the/
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My father had a weak heart and terrible claustrophobia.

He died at home, surrounded by his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65okj5/my_father_had_a_weak_heart_and_terrible/
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Feminism is just like a wife…

It starts out nice, but ages badly and ends up hating the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65okgt/feminism_is_just_like_a_wife/
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Never date a tennis player.

To them love means nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ojxa/never_date_a_tennis_player/
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Wanna hear a joke about Sodium?

"Na."
"How about a joke about potassium?"
"K."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65oj8h/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_sodium/
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"Give it to me," my girlfriend yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65oiyv/give_it_to_me_my_girlfriend_yelled_im_so_fucking/
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Everybody Loves Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65oiot/everybody_loves_dave/
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven...

There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.
"Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progressively funnier as you go higher with the funniest joke you've ever heard on the thousandth step. Should you laugh at any moment, you will instantly be sent to hell. Do you understand?"
The three girls nodded.
"Then let us begin," St. Peter said.
They each got on the first step and St. Peter proceeds to tell them the worst joke you've ever heard in the world. As expected, none of them laugh and they proceed to the next step.
At the 365th step, the redhead bursts into laughter and is instantly sent to hell. The blonde and the brunette soldier onward. Once they get to the 800th step, the brunette doubles over in laughter and is instantly sent to hell.
St. Peter continues with the jokes, trying his hardest to get the blonde to laugh but to no avail. When they arrive at the 1000th step, before he could even open his mouth, the blonde shrieks hysterically dying from laughter. She is instantly sent to hell.
Puzzled, St. Peter descends down to hell to find the blonde. When he sees her he asks, "My child, you were doing so well. How come you started laughing? I have not even begun to tell the joke."
The blonde, still laughing, replies, "I finally got the first joke!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65oh3r/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_die_and_go_to/
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Teacher asks: You have 12 apples and you give your friend 7, how many apples you have left?

I answer: 12. I don't have any friends. (Crying internally)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ofk2/teacher_asks_you_have_12_apples_and_you_give_your/
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He said: How's the diet going?

She said: not so good, I had eggs for breakfast.
He said: scrambled?
She said : Cadbury's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65of7w/he_said_hows_the_diet_going/
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The greatest joke I ever heard. So there's this long line outside of St. Peter's gate...

St. Peter comes out and says "Alright everyone... We are pretty full in heaven right now, so we've decided that whoever can tell the best story of how they died, will get into heaven"
One man steps forward and says "I definitely have the best one..."
"I lived in an apartment complex, and I had been suspecting my wife had been cheating on me. So I came home early from work today, and found her naked in our bed. I searched the whole apartment trying to find a man, and found him hanging from the windowsill. I beat his hands with my fists but he wouldn't fall. Then I grabbed a brick from our closet and beat his hands until he did fall. Unfortunately he fell down onto the balcony below our apartment, so I grabbed our refrigerator and chucked it out the window, then had a heart attack and died"
"Not a bad story," St. Peter says. "I think you just might be the one who gets into heaven..."
"Not so fast," another man says. "I have a story that will beat that one out..."
"I worked as a window washer. And I was working on an apartment complex when my support collapsed. Luckily, I was able to grab on to a windowsill. Right when I was pulling myself up, a MANIAC came out of the window and started beating my fists. I held on tight and didn't fall. Then he found a brick somehow and hit my hands until I fell. Luckily, I landed on a balcony only a floor below. Just when I thought I was safe this REFRIGERATOR out of NOWHERE lands on top of me, and I die."
"Wow," St. Peter says, "I think you have the best story now. I don't know who can beat th-"
"Hold up a minute, I can beat that" says a third man outside the gate.
"So I'm hiding, naked, in this refrigerator...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65od3o/the_greatest_joke_i_ever_heard_so_theres_this/
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To most religious people, the holy books are like a software license.

Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65obcj/to_most_religious_people_the_holy_books_are_like/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape Kim Jong Un's ballistic missile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65o7qu/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

Grainsss...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65o6yi/what_does_a_vegetarian_zombie_eat/
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No jokes about Jesus on Easter weekend.

He's not the kind of guy you'd want to cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65o5kl/no_jokes_about_jesus_on_easter_weekend/
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Did you hear about the man who killed a cow?

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65o4o7/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_killed_a_cow/
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Newton, Pascal and Archimedes are playing hide and seek...

Archimedes starts to count, Pascal hides in a bush and Newton draws a square on the ground and steps into it. Archimedes finds Newton first, of course, but Newton replies, "Nope. One Newton on one square meter is equal to one Pascal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65o1xv/newton_pascal_and_archimedes_are_playing_hide_and/
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A man walks into a bar…

and sees that the room is rectangular. He then proceeds to go into every corner and takes a dump. After finishing, he proceeds to walk out, giggling.
The bartender sees this, and runs outside, catching up to the man.
Why did you do that? The bartender asked.
Four shits and giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65o11r/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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what does Harper Lee write when she's drunk?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65o0ub/what_does_harper_lee_write_when_shes_drunk/
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What do you call a vegetarian child that was born in a whore house?

A brothel sprout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nz3f/what_do_you_call_a_vegetarian_child_that_was_born/
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At least my massive stroke wasn’t all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nyj0/at_least_my_massive_stroke_wasnt_all_bad_news/
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What's 12 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen, and makes all the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ny9t/whats_12_inches_long_hard_as_a_rock_full_of_semen/
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I can only think of one thing worse than Trump with his finger on the nuclear trigger.

Micheal J Fox with his finger on the nuclear trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nxce/i_can_only_think_of_one_thing_worse_than_trump/
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20,000 Dots

“Your assignment was to produce a piece containing exactly 20,000 dots,” my Art teacher said, “but I only see one.” “They’re on top of each other.” I explained.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nvie/20000_dots/
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I was going to make a joke about testicles.

But I don't have the balls to say it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nvf2/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_testicles/
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The WiFi was down in the morning.

Discovered that the bathroom had 42 tiles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nvd4/the_wifi_was_down_in_the_morning/
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People in North Korea said that Kim Jong Un has read all the books in the world.

That's why they call him their supreme reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nvbj/people_in_north_korea_said_that_kim_jong_un_has/
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The Easter massacre

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nv1g/the_easter_massacre/
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What'd the Christian prostitute say after church?

Ah, men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nuwg/whatd_the_christian_prostitute_say_after_church/
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A Bus Full of Nuns Crashes...

(long) and they all die.  In Heaven, they're all lined up outside the pearly gates while St. Peter checks each on in.  "When you took your vows, you vowed that you were married to Christ and no other," says St. Peter.  "Because of this, I need to ask you if you've ever had physical contact with a penis."
The first nun comes forward.  "Sister," says St. Peter, "have you ever had contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first nun, "when I was a young girl, before I took my vows, a neighbor boy and I were playing doctor.  He showed me his member to me and I poked it with my right index finger."
"Sister," says St. Peter, "You must wash your finger in the holy water.  Then you may pass into Paradise."  So the first nun washes her finger, and walks on through the gates.
The second nun comes forward.  "Sister," says Peter, "Have you ever had contact with a penis?"
"When I was in high school, before my vows, I dated a young man," she begins. "After prom, we were making out in his car.  Things got kind of hot and heavy.  I'm afraid I manually stimulated him until he climaxed."
"Sister," says the Saint, "you must wash your hands in the holy water before you pass through."  The second nun did as instructed.
The third nun approaches St. Peter.  "Sister," he begins, only to be interrupted by a commotion towards the back of the line.
"What is the meaning of this?!" he shouts.
One nun is shoving and pushing forward in line. "If I have to gargle that water, I want to do it before Sister Claire washes her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nstl/a_bus_full_of_nuns_crashes/
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guitarists are pretty good as bisexual lovers

on the one hand, their fingering must be pretty good; on the other, their wrist action must be pretty good too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65np8q/guitarists_are_pretty_good_as_bisexual_lovers/
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I just found out I'm going to be a Dad! I'm really excited.

I just hope my wife is too when she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nnhh/i_just_found_out_im_going_to_be_a_dad_im_really/
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I was gonna make a United Airlines joke about the doctor...

But it got carried away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nkfo/i_was_gonna_make_a_united_airlines_joke_about_the/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nk1f/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
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What does a Pirate say before he plans on having sex with his wife?

[Can I plunder yer booty?](#s)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nj6c/what_does_a_pirate_say_before_he_plans_on_having/
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A mathematician and an engineer walks into a bar

There was a dating event going on and they were both single as expected. So they decided to participate.
A bartender introduced them into a room with a very hot girl standing on the other side across the room. The participants and the hot girl were separated by a distance of exactly 50 meters.
The participants are allowed to go for the girl. Needless to say that both men were excited. But there's only one restriction.
The first period of distance one can travel is half of the total distance, and afterwards one can only travel half of the previous distance each time.
Upon hearing the rule, the mathematician left the room instantly without hesitation. The engineer asked why.
"That's impossible", the mathematician grunted, "its just an infinite geometric series, right? I will never be able to reach her in a finite amount of time."
The engineer smiled.
"Well, I don't really care. After a finite amount of steps I would be close enough to her for all practical purposes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ni7s/a_mathematician_and_an_engineer_walks_into_a_bar/
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"Sir, this is the police, please open the door immediately."

"Give me a second, I'm taking a shit"
"We know sir, the phone box has glass sides"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nhon/sir_this_is_the_police_please_open_the_door/
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Why do depressed girls give the best head?

Because they are trying to choke themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ng2q/why_do_depressed_girls_give_the_best_head/
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[NSFW] 3 nuns are in a church on a hot day...

Because it was such a hot day, all 3 of them decided to take off their clothes, so they could relax peacefully in the heat.
However, only an hour after they had taken off their clothes, there came a knock on the church door.
"Who is it?" asked the head nun.
"It's the blind man" came the response.
"Don't worry sisters," she said to the other girls, "he's blind! We don't need to put out clothes back on."
She opened up the door, and let the man in.
The man looked around, grinned, said "Nice tits! Now where do you want me to install these blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nfq7/nsfw_3_nuns_are_in_a_church_on_a_hot_day/
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What do a catholic priest and a silver medalist have in common?

They both came in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nfhd/what_do_a_catholic_priest_and_a_silver_medalist/
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A physicist, a mathematician and a software engineer are taking a car trip.

On a particularly steep hill, the car’s brakes fail.
The car rockets down the hill at terrifying speed - and winds up in a ditch.
The mathematician calculates the failure rate of brakes, the final impact velocity based on the slope and air resistance - and concludes that they had a lucky escape.
The physicist works out the rate of brake wear, the pressure on the pads, the heating due to friction and concludes that the mathematician should have replaced his brake pads sooner.
The software engineer says “I know, let’s push it back up to the top of the hill and see if it does it again”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nen8/a_physicist_a_mathematician_and_a_software/
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Blonde gets a new job

A blonde walks into the job interview, and the boss says to her, "Alright, this is a pretty easy job. Basically, all you have to do is paint a dotted  line down the middle of the road. Your minimum distance you should paint each day is 2 miles. Do you think you can do that?"
"Absolutely," the blonde replies.
So the first day of the blonde's new job comes and she starts painting. By the end of the day, she painted 4 miles worth of lines down the road. The boss is extremely impressed with her hard work.
The 2nd day comes and the blonde starts painting. By the end of the day, she painted 2 miles worth of road. The boss is slightly dissapointed that she didnt do as much as the day before, but still happy, as she met her quota.
The 3rd day comes and the blonde starts painting. By the end of the day, she only painted 1 mile worth of road. The boss is now unhappy, and calls her into the office. The boss says frustratingly, "You were doing so well! What happened? Why did you get worse each day?"
"Well it was pretty easy at first, but each day I started getting farther and farther from the bucket..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ndfs/blonde_gets_a_new_job/
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Woman: "Doctor, kiss me!"

Doctor: "I can't, it'd be unethical.
I shouldn't even be fucking you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nbgh/woman_doctor_kiss_me/
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Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and it's down your chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65nauw/why_doesnt_santa_claus_have_any_children/
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A man goes to a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie doll for her birthday.

The salesman says, "We have Barbie Goes To the Dance for $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99,  Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99, and Divorced Barbie at $499.99."
The father asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $499.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"
"Well, sir," says the salesman, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's money, Ken's furniture ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65n8kw/a_man_goes_to_a_toy_store_to_buy_his_daughter_a/
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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65n2pt/what_is_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65n21n/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
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I married Miss Right...

I just didn't know her first name was Always

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65mxkk/i_married_miss_right/
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One evening a father overheard his daughter saying her prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his daughter saying prayers again:   "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his daughter's prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work so that he would miss the traffic.   He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry, honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on our doorstep this morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65mwse/one_evening_a_father_overheard_his_daughter/
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I only like my Uranium one way.

[depleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65murr/i_only_like_my_uranium_one_way/
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What do you and North Korea have in common?

Neither of you can get it up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65mupr/what_do_you_and_north_korea_have_in_common/
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Why does the Easter Bunny drink IPAs?

He loves the hops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65munu/why_does_the_easter_bunny_drink_ipas/
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What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit the frog's finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65mtay/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
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A vulture is at the airport...

He has an antelope carcass draped over his shoulder, at the check in kiosk the attendant asks if he will need to check in the antelope, to which the vulture replies, "No, it's carrion".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65mlio/a_vulture_is_at_the_airport/
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Every day with my girlfriend is like Valentine's Day...

I forgot something and she's pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65mjlc/every_day_with_my_girlfriend_is_like_valentines/
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Five idiots

A king asked his vizier to look for the five biggest idiots in the land and produce them in court in a month. After a month's search, the vizier brought 2 people to the court.
'I asked for 5 vizier, you found only 2?' Asked the king.
'Give me a chance to present my case sir', responded the vizier.
'Your majesty', he said, pointing to the first man, was travelling in a cart drawn by 2 horses, but kept his luggage on his head because he didnt want the horses to exert themselves.He is the first idiot.' Pointing to the second man,the vizier continued, ' He is the second idiot, some grass grew on the roof of his house, and he was trying to get his cow to climb a ladder and graze on them.
There are a lot of important jobs for me to do in the land, but I ignored them to satiate your capricious request of five idiots, so I am the third idiot.'
The vizier paused, while the king turned red with anger.
'Who are the fourth and fifth idiots?' Thundered the king.
'Begging your pardon my liege, but you are responsible for the wellbeing of the land, and its people. That is your responsibility, not making these requests, so you are the fourth idiot.'
'And sir, the person now glued to reddit, procrastinating on important work, oblivious to what he needs to finish for tomorrow, is the fifth idiot.'
The king decreed, 'Put this immediately in r/jokes, a lot of idiots eagerly await.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65mh95/five_idiots/
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What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 10 years your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65mg85/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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Come up with one sentence that uses, "defeat," "deduct," "defense," and "detail."

Easy. Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65md5w/come_up_with_one_sentence_that_uses_defeat_deduct/
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A pregnant woman with triplets survives three gun shots

About 15 years ago a woman who was pregnant with triplets, two girls, one boy was shot in the stomach three times. She was rushed to the hospital she lived and all the triplets were uninjured what a miracle! So 15 years later the woman was making dinner for her family then her oldest daughter came down stairs and said, "Mom mom mom you can't believe what just happened!"
The mom replies, "What happened dear" the daughter answers, "I just peed out a bullet!" The mother laughed and thought she was just joking. So 5 minutes later the youngest daughter hurrys down stairs and says, "Mom the weirdest thing just happened I was using the bathroom and peed out a bullet." So the mom starts thinking to her self about what happened 15 years earlier and is wondering if it was because of the shooting she survived. Then her son comes running down stairs in excitement and is screaming, "MOM THE COOLEST THING JUST HAPPEND!!" and the mother replies, "yea yea yea you peed out a bullet too." He replies, "No! I was masturbating and shot a bullet into the dogs leg!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65mcxv/a_pregnant_woman_with_triplets_survives_three_gun/
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Necrophiles and hippies are very similar

Both want peace and love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65mcfu/necrophiles_and_hippies_are_very_similar/
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Wife: "What are your plans for Easter?" Husband: "Same as Jesus...."

Wife: "What do you mean!?"
Husband: "I will disappear on Friday and I will reappear on Monday!"
Wife: "That's awesome, if you do that I'll do like Mary."
Husband: "What do you mean?"
Wife: "Show up pregnant untouched by my husband."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65mcbg/wife_what_are_your_plans_for_easter_husband_same/
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Panda walks into a bar...

...orders some food and everything seems fine.  After he finishes.  He pulls out a gun and starts shooting everything.  As he is leaving the bartender jumps up and says, "what was that for?"  Panda says, "I am a panda.  Look it up."  The bartender pulls out a dictionary and reads....
"Panda - eats shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65m9gg/panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?

Many soles were lost...﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65m6nn/did_you_hear_about_the_shoe_factory_that_exploded/
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Three blondes were walking through the woods

after a snowfall. They  come across some tracks and stopped to inspect them. The first woman walks up to them and crouches to get a better look.
"These are definitely raccoon tracks," she says. "I'd bet my life on it." The other two look at them skeptically and disagree. "No way," says the second blonde. She steps up to them and traces them with her finger. "These are way too big to be raccoon tracks, this looks like a bear to me." The other two are still skeptical. "I don't think so," says the third blonde. She then takes her turn to step up to them and looks at them very closely, and gets hit by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65m46h/three_blondes_were_walking_through_the_woods/
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Why is there no black character in the board game clue?

Because then it would be called "solved"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65m2kv/why_is_there_no_black_character_in_the_board_game/
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Why do Javascript programmers wear glasses?

Because they can't C#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65m180/why_do_javascript_programmers_wear_glasses/
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Two hunters

are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65m0mt/two_hunters/
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My friend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But i laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lzr8/my_friend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how_competitive/
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What do you do with dead elements?

You barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lxjn/what_do_you_do_with_dead_elements/
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A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lwz6/a_man_runs_to_the_doctor_and_says_doctor_youve/
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So this guy is feeling really down about himself....

....so he decides to go see a shrink. He lays on the couch and spills out his troubles, his fears, his self-doubts, and his longing for something more.
The doctor listens to all of this, and then sits quietly pondering over what he has heard. Suddenly his face brightens.
"Aha! I've figured out your problem, my friend." The shrink says. "You're suffering from low self-esteem. It's fairly common in losers like you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lwhm/so_this_guy_is_feeling_really_down_about_himself/
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(Long) An elderly man was sitting on his porch one day..

..when Tommy, the 9 year old neighborhood troublemaker, came walking up the street dragging some metal fencing behind him.
The man yelled "Tommy, what are you doing this time?
Tommy: This is chicken wire, I'm gonna catch me some chickens.
Man: "Tommy you fool, you can't catch chickens with that"
At the end of the day, here came Tommy walking the other way with the chicken wire dragging behind him and there were about a dozen chickens caught up in it.  The man just shook his head.
The next day the man was back out on the porch and here came Tommy again, carrying some rolls of tape.
Man: "Tommy, what the heck are you up to this time?"
Tommy: "This is duck tape, gonna go catch me some ducks"
Man: "Tommy, you fool, you may have caught chickens yesterday but you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
Once again at the end of the day, here came Tommy back down the street dragging a long strip of tape behind him with a bunch of ducks all caught up in it.  The man just shook his head again.
The next day came and the man was out on the porch early to see what Tommy would do this time.  Pretty soon he saw Tommy coming up the street carrying a bunch of branches.
Man: "Tommy, what fool thing are you up to today??"
Tommy: "These are pussy willow branches...."
Man: "Hold up for a second Tommy, let me go get my hat"
Probably a repost (what isn't), but always a favorite joke of mine.  My first post on here so don't be too cruel lol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lw0f/long_an_elderly_man_was_sitting_on_his_porch_one/
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A giffer dies and goes is sent to Reddit Hell...

A giffer dies and is sent to Reddit Hell. He's bored and miserable, so he decides to take action. The submit button has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Content starts getting created quickly. The upvote button is jammed, so he un-jams it. People can support content more easily. The gifs was very jpg and buffered frequently, so he fixes the connection to imgur and now they get hundreds of high quality gifs. One day, Reddit God decides to look down on Reddit Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying lots of great content. He asks the Reddit Devil what's up? The Reddit Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us a giffer" "What?" says Reddit God. "A giffer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Reddit Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our giffer. We like him." Reddit God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll repost all your content!" The Reddit Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a reposter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lvfq/a_giffer_dies_and_goes_is_sent_to_reddit_hell/
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A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office...

"Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65luvv/a_distraught_patient_phoned_her_doctors_office/
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During WW2, the Americans recruited 2 Native Americans as trackers to track down the Germans...

They hardly spoke fluent English but were the best trackers. Whilst flying over the war zone, their plane was struck and had to abandon flight by parachute. Unfortunately they are separated in the commotion and one of them ends up in a trench occupied by a Scottish regiment.
Scottish:  Alright pal, are you fea the parachute regiment? Whilst gesturing with his hand and fingers from up to down.
The Native American doesn't have a clue what the Scottish guy is saying with the accent.
Scottish: Are you fae the infantry? Whilst gesturing a walking motion with his fingers.
The Indian still doesn't get it.
Scottish: Are you from the artillery division? Whilst gesturing with a fist pump motion.
He still doesn't understand and when a shell lands nearby, the Indian takes this opportunity to run to another trench.
He finds his friend and he's like-  "where the fuck were you?"
He replies- "You not gonna believe what the guy in the other trench said to me."
"He was gesturing with his hands that when the sun goes down and everyone goes away, he was gonna hump the shit out of me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lrr7/during_ww2_the_americans_recruited_2_native/
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A Joke Experiment

A guy walks into a bar…
That is the first line of the joke experiment. I’m curious to see if the r/jokes community can work together to craft the Perfect Joke. I don’t know if this has been done before, but I’m sure if it’s a bad idea it will be ignored (or downvoted into oblivion) anyway.
But what if it’s not?
So here’s how it goes: we already have the first line. You will write the second line. And the third line. And the forth and so on and so on until we reach the punch line(s).
Comment with what you think the next line of the joke should be and/or upvote the comments you think are the best. As more and more people submit their lines and upvote each other’s lines, then the joke will hopefully begin to take shape. If you want a line to follow a line that has already been commented, simply reply to that comment.
You can also edit the starting line of the joke, but only by substituting one of the existing words with another word or phrase, just tag it with FTFY. For example: “A blind priest walks into a bar…” -FTFY ***OR*** “A guy walks into an alternate dimension” -FTFY
Over time, as the best lines migrate to the top, I will update this post with the lines of the joke that you write and vote for.
Let’s write the Perfect Joke
A guy walks into a bar…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lr75/a_joke_experiment/
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You can never lose a homing pigeon.

If it doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lpb1/you_can_never_lose_a_homing_pigeon/
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I recently decided to sell my old Roomba.

All it was doing was gathering dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lp4v/i_recently_decided_to_sell_my_old_roomba/
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I refused to believe that my road worker father was stealing from his job.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lp08/i_refused_to_believe_that_my_road_worker_father/
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I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children"

That seems like a fair trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65loqp/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_watch_for_children/
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A Rabbi, A Priest, and an Imam...

A rabbi, a priest, and an imam were on a ship. Suddenly, the ship hit a reef just under the water and started sinking. The rabbi said to the priest and imam, "We must save the children.!"
The imam had already run to the lifeboats, yelling "Screw the children!," to which the priest replied, "Do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lojf/a_rabbi_a_priest_and_an_imam/
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I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer.

But no one will do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65loj4/ive_spent_the_last_four_years_looking_for_my/
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years.

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65loaf/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_20_years/
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lo37/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_impersonating_a_flamingo/
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I hate Russian Dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lnq4/i_hate_russian_dolls/
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I only like my Uranium one way.

[depleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lm9v/i_only_like_my_uranium_one_way/
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Thor: Brother! What are you doing this weekend?

Loki: nothing, just hanging out
Thor: oh sweet! that sounds...
Loki: no
Thor: low key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65llzb/thor_brother_what_are_you_doing_this_weekend/
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I'D LIKE TO GIVE A BIG SHOUT OUT TO LIBRARIANS!

oh... sorry...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65llno/id_like_to_give_a_big_shout_out_to_librarians/
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I ask my Swiss friend what he thought about Switzerland.

He replied, "Well the flag's a big plus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lj52/i_ask_my_swiss_friend_what_he_thought_about/
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I was going to post a really long joke about a mythical fire breathing animal

But it'd drag on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lhq1/i_was_going_to_post_a_really_long_joke_about_a/
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My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have sex…

I *suppose* a condom would be better...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lg2i/my_wife_keeps_complaining_about_me_wearing_socks/
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I lost a good friend and long time drinking buddy a few days ago in a tragic accident

he got his finger caught in a wedding ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65leg5/i_lost_a_good_friend_and_long_time_drinking_buddy/
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When Beethoven died

...he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ldfz/when_beethoven_died/
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Ms. Smith asked Johnny what his parents do for a living...

Ms. Smith asked Johnny what his parents do for a living.
Johnny said "My mom is a substitute."
Ms. Smith, knowing Johnny's mother said, "I think you mean prostitute."
Johnny said, "No, my sister is a prostitute, but when she doesn't feel well, my mom substitutes for her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lcfe/ms_smith_asked_johnny_what_his_parents_do_for_a/
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Anyone want 2 free tickets to a fight?

I've got seats 29A & B on United flight 1807.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65lbm6/anyone_want_2_free_tickets_to_a_fight/
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Milkin' it.

I walked into the living room to see my wife breast feeding our son.
Being curious, I asked: "how long are you going to keep doing this, honey?  I mean at what age is it too old for him?"
"Well, I think it's necessary to have quality bonding time between mother and child, and usually societal norms dictate this age aught to be ..."
I got impatient again: "Shut up son, i was talking to your mother. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65laj7/milkin_it/
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What did the ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, They just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65l881/what_did_the_ocean_say_to_the_other_ocean/
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90s kids won't get this . . .

Social Security benefits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65l6ad/90s_kids_wont_get_this/
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(My first dad joke) Pregnant lady's food stuck in vending machine

Her (to staff): My food is stuck in the vending machine, can you help? I'm pregnant and I need to eat!
Me (not thinking): You sure do!
Also me (realizing that it sounded like I called her fat and hurriedly searching for a baby-related comment): This is about survival of the *fetus*!
*fetus*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65l1g1/my_first_dad_joke_pregnant_ladys_food_stuck_in/
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Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest
"Father, please come with me . Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery"
They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: "What about the two at the gate?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65kzq7/two_little_boys_stole_a_big_bag_of_oranges_from_a/
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[NSFW] A farmer and his wife...

...we're lying in bed naked. Farmer looks over at his wife, grabs her breast and says, "If this could produce milk we wouldn't need the cows". Wife gives him a look and turns over on the bed.
Some time goes by. The insistent farmer leans over the bed, grabs his wife's pussy and says, "If this could produce eggs we wouldn't need the chickens". The wife heard enough. She reaches over, grabs her husband's dick and says, "If this could stand up straight we wouldn't need your brother".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65kxyw/nsfw_a_farmer_and_his_wife/
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I added Paul Walker on Xbox Live...

But he spends all his time on the dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65kvsj/i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox_live/
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Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

............. "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65kve9/forgive_me_father_for_i_have_sinned/
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A Sadist, a masochist, a murderer..

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. "How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked: "So, what's it gonna be?" To which he replied, "meow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65kt16/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer/
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If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They will eventually find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65kp89/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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I poured my root beer into a square cup.

Now I just have a beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65kmlr/i_poured_my_root_beer_into_a_square_cup/
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Social Media IRL

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two police officers and a psychiatrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65klyo/social_media_irl/
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To get easy comment karma, you have to do it like your ejaculations

Just do it early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65kj2f/to_get_easy_comment_karma_you_have_to_do_it_like/
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I can never find a good channel where people boil eggs

They're always scrambled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65kieg/i_can_never_find_a_good_channel_where_people_boil/
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Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65khzw/thomas_is_32_years_old_and_he_is_still_single/
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Why does Jesus hates playing video games?

Because it takes him three days to respawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65khpt/why_does_jesus_hates_playing_video_games/
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What do you call a lion that steals credit cards?

An AMEX predator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65kh6f/what_do_you_call_a_lion_that_steals_credit_cards/
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i caught the most incredible lightning with my camera last night, i was lucky

i survived

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65kgmk/i_caught_the_most_incredible_lightning_with_my/
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A boy asked his father, "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father grimly replied, "I wouldn’t know son, I'm still not done paying for it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65kew1/a_boy_asked_his_father_dad_how_much_does_it_cost/
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What is one event the guest of honor is not expected to show up?

A baby shower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65kah9/what_is_one_event_the_guest_of_honor_is_not/
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I shaved my mustache after having kept it for a few years

I hated the way I looked at first, but it's growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65k6l3/i_shaved_my_mustache_after_having_kept_it_for_a/
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I hate my dog....

..because he gets all the bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65k4wv/i_hate_my_dog/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexics Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65k4j4/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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My girlfriend got pregnant, so I've been thinking about a name for over two weeks

I chose Carlos and escaped to Mexico

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65k408/my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_so_ive_been_thinking/
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Why does no one believe me that hyperboles are living things

I've seen millions of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65k3em/why_does_no_one_believe_me_that_hyperboles_are/
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Why did the duck go to rehab?

Because he was a quack addict!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65k29u/why_did_the_duck_go_to_rehab/
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What did the owner of the mining rig say to his workers after they blasted the rock and found gold underneath?

Wow this really blew up! Thanks for the gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65k25h/what_did_the_owner_of_the_mining_rig_say_to_his/
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I asked my welsh friend...

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65k11z/i_asked_my_welsh_friend/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked his problem out with a number 2 pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65k09r/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jz0n/the_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_him_dad_whats/
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Why did the flock of geese cross the road?

Because they were afraid to fly United.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jy9e/why_did_the_flock_of_geese_cross_the_road/
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Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jx8f/money_or_sex/
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A guy died while masturbating.

He was beaten to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jrho/a_guy_died_while_masturbating/
%
A group of friends all live on the 200th floor of a building

One day they all come back from a trip and find out that the elevator to their floor has shut down and is under repair, so they're forced to take the long walk up the stairs.
To make the walk up a little more exciting, they decide to each tell a sad, terrifying, or depressing story every 20 floors. When they finally get to the top, the tenth friend gets to tell his story.
"I think I left the keys in the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jr3m/a_group_of_friends_all_live_on_the_200th_floor_of/
%
On Easter morning a man and his son run over the Easter bunny...

They hop out of the car and the son immediately says "Daddy! You killed the Easter bunny!"
The man thinks to himself and then says "Don't worry, I know exactly what to do."
He goes to the trunk of the car and produces a spray can. He shakes it up and sprays the dead Easter bunny with it.
After a few minutes the Easter bunny pops up to its feet, grabs its basket, and hops down the road before it stops to turn around and wave. It hops a little bit more and then turns around and waves again. It keeps repeating this until it hops out of sight.
The son exclaims "Daddy! What was that!?"
The dad shows his son the can. The label reads "Hair spray -- brings new life to hair, gives permanent wave"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jp0b/on_easter_morning_a_man_and_his_son_run_over_the/
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A soldier working in the motorpool answers the phone...

"Yeah, I need to know when the General's hummer is going to be repaired and ready to go."
The private replied, "Man, I dunno, that fatass General broke the seat and we had to send out for a new one."
The voice on the other end stammered furiously, "Do you know who you're talking to??"
"No, I sure don't."
"This is the General!!"
"Oh, well, do you know who YOU'RE talking to?"
"No I do not!"
"Good. See ya later, fatass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jotx/a_soldier_working_in_the_motorpool_answers_the/
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There are two ways of making people frustrated

The first way is to not complete what you were saying,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jofv/there_are_two_ways_of_making_people_frustrated/
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I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.

After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.
“You’ll have to be really quiet,” I whispered, “My mum & dad are asleep.”
“I can see that,” she said, “Have you not got your own bed?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65joaq/i_took_a_girl_back_to_my_house_for_sex_last_night/
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jmfs/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_rubber_toe/
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My friends have been meddling in my business a lot, and it's annoying. Today, one told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

That's when I put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jm8u/my_friends_have_been_meddling_in_my_business_a/
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If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

That’s why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jlt1/if_you_lose_one_sense_your_other_senses_are/
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This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water...

...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jln8/this_morning_i_made_my_coffee_using_red_bull/
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Two monkeys in a bath

One monkey goes 'Ooh Ah ah ahh'
The other monkey says 'Well put some cold in then!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jjyu/two_monkeys_in_a_bath/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

I wore the wrong sock this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jie3/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
How do you tell a kid which car is yours?

(Pointing to your car)
Datsun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jh0t/how_do_you_tell_a_kid_which_car_is_yours/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65jchw/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_bottles/
%
How to catch a Redditor

gotcha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65j9x0/how_to_catch_a_redditor/
%
Have you heard of the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65j9v9/have_you_heard_of_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
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A termite walks into a bar

And asks "is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65j7ri/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did Martin Luther King Jr. boycott laundry detergent?

Because it told him to keep his whites and colours separate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65j6d2/why_did_martin_luther_king_jr_boycott_laundry/
%
You have beautiful hair

too bad it grows out of your nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65j5ka/you_have_beautiful_hair/
%
I have the body of a god!

Unfortunately it's buddha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65j522/i_have_the_body_of_a_god/
%
I have a few jokes about unemployed people...

But it doesn't matter, none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65j4z7/i_have_a_few_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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Anagram of "mother in law"

Woman Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65j4v8/anagram_of_mother_in_law/
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My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge.

We'll see about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65j47i/my_therapist_says_i_have_an_obsession_with_revenge/
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My mother always told me: "If you want a job done well, do it yourself"

That theory didn't pan out too well with my last surgery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65j22o/my_mother_always_told_me_if_you_want_a_job_done/
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I asked my North Korean pen pal how it was like living in North Korea

"I can't complain" he wrote back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ivfb/i_asked_my_north_korean_pen_pal_how_it_was_like/
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If there was a saggy boob competition, my wife would beat everyone...

In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65itls/if_there_was_a_saggy_boob_competition_my_wife/
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My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler...

... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65isny/my_wife_said_we_needed_to_childproof_our_upright/
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I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier...

It could be a terminal illness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65irxg/i_felt_kinda_sick_at_the_airport_earlier/
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What kind of music do windmills listen to?

They're all big metal fans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65iqhw/what_kind_of_music_do_windmills_listen_to/
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As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65iq7a/as_i_was_leaving_with_my_bags_my_wife_said_i_hope/
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All Dolled Up

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ipwj/all_dolled_up/
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Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ipw1/patrick_wants_a_bike/
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The three unwritten rules of life

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65iong/the_three_unwritten_rules_of_life/
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Bad news

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
'You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need. A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see, Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see, Size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65inii/bad_news/
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I was going to write a joke about my favourite site...

But you've probably already Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65in91/i_was_going_to_write_a_joke_about_my_favourite/
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A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65in0t/a_woman_asked_a_general_in_the_army_the_last_time/
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What does Santa say to bad girls?

Hoe hoe hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ikpm/what_does_santa_say_to_bad_girls/
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I asked my mother "why are the computers so smart?"

Mother: because they listen to their motherboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ihuf/i_asked_my_mother_why_are_the_computers_so_smart/
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What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ifoz/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Johnny Bravo"
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65idpl/reporter_excuse_me_may_i_interview_you/
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My wife has started doing this really odd thing during sex.

She stays awake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65icsv/my_wife_has_started_doing_this_really_odd_thing/
%
Two cannibals get in a barfight

One says to the other ***You want a piece of me??***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65icng/two_cannibals_get_in_a_barfight/
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A genie, lion and the rabbit.

Genie saw lion chasing the rabbit.
Stops them and asks them I'll grant you three wishes than you go your separate ways.
Lion says turn all my jungle lions into lionesses.
Rabbit says give me a helmet.
Lion says turn my neighbouring jungles lions into lionesses as well.
Rabbit says get me a fast motorbike.
Lion says turn whole worlds lions into lionesses except me.
Rabbit starting the bike, cut lions dick off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65iaop/a_genie_lion_and_the_rabbit/
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I made love to my wife last night but instead of using a normal condom, I used a frog skin…

I thought I'd rib it for her pleasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65iabr/i_made_love_to_my_wife_last_night_but_instead_of/
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A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...

He says,"Give me 2 shots..."
The bartender cuts him off and says,"You only get 1 shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ia9o/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_owned_by_eminem/
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I was feeling really lonely recently, so I bought some shares...

It's nice to have a bit of company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ia7x/i_was_feeling_really_lonely_recently_so_i_bought/
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Hey, do you have a phone in your back pocket?

Because that ass is calling me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65i9f8/hey_do_you_have_a_phone_in_your_back_pocket/
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A teacher asked learners in a class, what's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?

All learners kept quiet except Mike Mike: a mosquito can fly but a fly can't mosquito

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65i7rj/a_teacher_asked_learners_in_a_class_whats_the/
%
Today I took a shit...

heavy enough to alert the americans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65i73k/today_i_took_a_shit/
%
What's the difference between a dilapidated bus stop and a lobster with tits?

One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65i62i/whats_the_difference_between_a_dilapidated_bus/
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What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout?

The boy scout comes back home from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65i0kf/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_boy_scout/
%
Shoutout to my teachers from high school who said I would work at McDonalds

I have my first shift on Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65hyli/shoutout_to_my_teachers_from_high_school_who_said/
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They're now growing marijuana underneath the ocean

I guess they'll call it..."sea-weed"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65hv1s/theyre_now_growing_marijuana_underneath_the_ocean/
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Everytime someone calls another a "motherf*cker"

Freud peeks from around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65huce/everytime_someone_calls_another_a_motherfcker/
%
Do you know whats really odd?

Any number not divisible by 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65hsoi/do_you_know_whats_really_odd/
%
‘North Korea plans nuclear attack targeting US’

At first I was alarmed at reading this, then I realised they meant United States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65hsln/north_korea_plans_nuclear_attack_targeting_us/
%
On a scale of 1 to 10, how obsessed with the Harry Potter Series am I?

9 3/4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65hr2m/on_a_scale_of_1_to_10_how_obsessed_with_the_harry/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A Gummy bear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65hqyi/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
Why wasn't Jesus born in New Zealand?

He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65hilu/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_new_zealand/
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I tried to visit the contraceptive museum

But they wouldn't let me come inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65hi8d/i_tried_to_visit_the_contraceptive_museum/
%
I ordered a chicken and an egg online

I'll let you know...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65hfx1/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_online/
%
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?

There was nothing left but de brie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65hf7w/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_in_france/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65henn/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
Why are there no Walmart's in Afghanistan?

Because they are all Target's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65hbnb/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_afghanistan/
%
Did you hear about the clumsy circumscizor?

He got the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65hat0/did_you_hear_about_the_clumsy_circumscizor/
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Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lac tose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65h9d3/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
%
What do you call a cop who won't get out of bed?

Undercover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65h6ym/what_do_you_call_a_cop_who_wont_get_out_of_bed/
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The moral of the story...

A rich, eccentric man wanted to invest his money, and keep it safe.
He decided to invest in antique furniture, but not just any furniture. He would buy the best and fanciest chairs that could be found only in the finest castles of the world.
He wanted to be sure his collection would not be damaged or stolen so, in his eccentric mind, he thought they'd be safe kept in a large woven hut built in the woods. He figured no one would expect anything valuable to be kept in such a place.
He traveled the world over, seeking out the most lavish of chairs, and carefully brought each of them back to his hut.
His family found out what he was doing, and begged him to keep his collection in a safer place.
He insisted on keeping his collection where it was, but decided to move into the hut, to personally watch over his collection.
As could be expected, disaster eventually struck, in the form a forest fire which destroyed both his hut, and his priceless collection.
The man managed to escape unharmed, but was devastated at his loss, and with nowhere to live, soon died penniless.
Moral of the story: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65h5d5/the_moral_of_the_story/
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Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…

Now it just goes from bad to worse…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65h4hk/someone_ripped_some_pages_out_of_both_ends_of_my/
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Why was the Sikh man in the hospital?

He wasn't just Sikh, he was turbanally ill.
(I'm sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65h289/why_was_the_sikh_man_in_the_hospital/
%
Hey girl, are you a school?

Because I want to shoot kids inside you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65h1qr/hey_girl_are_you_a_school/
%
Hey... Nice beard

Thanks, it's growing on me
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gzqt/hey_nice_beard/
%
Pay me what I'm worth!

I once asked my boss for a raise.
He asked me how much I wanted.
"Just pay me what I'm worth," I said.
He replied, "I can't. There's a minimum wage law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gwi9/pay_me_what_im_worth/
%
Two guys are walking through Africa when one of them falls in a river...

"Hey, you fell in de river!" Says his friend
"No I didn't!" he says
"Oh you just in de-Nile!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gvhv/two_guys_are_walking_through_africa_when_one_of/
%
My Father called my entire family out of bed to hear this joke, so you guys better enjoy it

"How do you catch a unique rabbit?"
Unique up on it!
"How do you catch a tame rabbit?"
Tame way! Unique up on it!
I honestly groaned when he told it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gvh2/my_father_called_my_entire_family_out_of_bed_to/
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I asked my mom to tell me her best joke.

She looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm so glad I didn't get an abortion"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gu9r/i_asked_my_mom_to_tell_me_her_best_joke/
%
Wife asks husband, if she dies will he remarry?

I don't know... yeah I probably would i guess.
What about the house? would you sell it?
No he says, I like our house.
What about our bed, would you buy a new one?
No I like our bed and would keep it.
Ok, the wife now asks, what about my golf clubs?
Would you let your new wife use them?
No way he says, she's left handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gsnn/wife_asks_husband_if_she_dies_will_he_remarry/
%
A bear walks into a bar...

The bear says "I'll have a beer and a................... packet of peanuts" The bartender says "why the big pause"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gsiu/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
One time a guy said to me "Yeah, keep on stealing jokes for all I care."

So I kidnapped him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gqye/one_time_a_guy_said_to_me_yeah_keep_on_stealing/
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I'm pretty sure someone stole the last paragraph of my essay, and hid it on a really high shelf...

But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Not original, and not sure if it's been posted before, but it made me chuckle and thought I'd share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65goac/im_pretty_sure_someone_stole_the_last_paragraph/
%
How does Mayonnaise Laugh?

LMAYO
I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gmlh/how_does_mayonnaise_laugh/
%
I'm not saying my wife is fat...

But I put an energy saving bulb in the refrigerator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gj8w/im_not_saying_my_wife_is_fat/
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Our neighbourhood barber got arrested for selling drugs after we had been his customer for 5 years.

We had no idea he was a barber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gfei/our_neighbourhood_barber_got_arrested_for_selling/
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The engineer who opens a medical clinic

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gew2/the_engineer_who_opens_a_medical_clinic/
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What does a fat terrorist say?

Aloha snack bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gds1/what_does_a_fat_terrorist_say/
%
You think ADHD is a big problem now?

80 years ago there were millions of people in camps trying to concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gd0v/you_think_adhd_is_a_big_problem_now/
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gc5z/politicians_and_diapers_have_one_thing_in_common/
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They say Kim Jong Un loves books...

That's why they call him Supreme Reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65gaxp/they_say_kim_jong_un_loves_books/
%
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
thanks for the gold!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65g5o7/my_first_dad_joke_wife_was_breastfeeding/
%
What did the whale say to the diver?

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooo."
What did the whale say to the marine biologist?
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooo."
What did the whale say to my wife?
"Hey; you should lose weight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65g4gf/what_did_the_whale_say_to_the_diver/
%
My friend said he didn't know there was a war going on in the middle east...

He must have been living under *Iraq*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65g3n4/my_friend_said_he_didnt_know_there_was_a_war/
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My dad once put snowballs in the blender to make a smoothie.

Snowballs was a great cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65g23w/my_dad_once_put_snowballs_in_the_blender_to_make/
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What did the stomach say to the burp?

If you're real quiet I'll let you out the back door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65g22z/what_did_the_stomach_say_to_the_burp/
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The Average Man Ejaculates at 27mph...

...You can only imagine the mess as the bus approached 30

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fypm/the_average_man_ejaculates_at_27mph/
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Yo momma is so fat

, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fxl2/yo_momma_is_so_fat/
%
You've got to be careful when getting your house exorcised

If you can't afford the payments the priest will repossess your house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fwni/youve_got_to_be_careful_when_getting_your_house/
%
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fv6c/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Why is the sharpener always invited to the pencil case debates?

He always makes a good point and the pencils tend to very blunt when he's not around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ftf7/why_is_the_sharpener_always_invited_to_the_pencil/
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Did you hear about the man with five penises?

They say his condoms fit like a glove...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fscm/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_five_penises/
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The man who created autocorrect has died.

Restaurant in peace!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fs2y/the_man_who_created_autocorrect_has_died/
%
My grandmother was born under the sign of Cancer, which is ironic

because last week she actually got killed by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fpyj/my_grandmother_was_born_under_the_sign_of_cancer/
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My friends are always tripping on acid

I don't understand why they can't just walk around it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fprk/my_friends_are_always_tripping_on_acid/
%
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Leave it in the oven till it's Bill Withers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fmqq/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
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[NSFW] what do isis guys use as a sex toy?

A *blow up* doll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65flre/nsfw_what_do_isis_guys_use_as_a_sex_toy/
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So Helen Keller walks into a bar

a table & a chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fjh9/so_helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three nuns die and go to heaven.

But they all must answer one question to get in.
The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." St. Peter nods and says, "Yep, you're in"
The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." St. Paul nods and says "Yep, you're in"
The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Puzzled, the nun says, thinking aloud, "Hmmm, that's a hard one."  St. Peter nods and says, "Yep, you're in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fhf2/three_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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Why did the wheat become misshapen?

It was inbread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fgko/why_did_the_wheat_become_misshapen/
%
What's the difference between a penis and money

A woman will always blow your money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ff0u/whats_the_difference_between_a_penis_and_money/
%
How does an oak tree have sex?

Nuts and leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fdxs/how_does_an_oak_tree_have_sex/
%
I once went to a French bakery...

It was very painful...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fd8t/i_once_went_to_a_french_bakery/
%
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fd25/a_man_goes_to_a_10_hooker_and_contracts_crabs/
%
Scotland is like Iraq

A little but Sunni, but an awful lot Shiite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fczo/scotland_is_like_iraq/
%
My friend David lost his ID

Now we just call him Dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65fc72/my_friend_david_lost_his_id/
%
What has 30 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk?

My zipper ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65faho/what_has_30_teeth_and_holds_back_the_incredible/
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What does a nuclear scientist write on their door when they go off work?

Gone fission.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65f73x/what_does_a_nuclear_scientist_write_on_their_door/
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A woman is about to jump off a bridge.

A physicist walks by and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65f57l/a_woman_is_about_to_jump_off_a_bridge/
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My friend and I started replacing the word 'in' with 'inside'.

For example, if we wanted to say, "it's in the fridge", we'd instead say "it's inside the fridge".
One day, my parents caught onto this. They asked me why I was saying "inside" instead of "in".
I responded,
"it's an inside joke".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65f560/my_friend_and_i_started_replacing_the_word_in/
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Free oranges

A young teenager was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the teen.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"
Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning each of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65f3nl/free_oranges/
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What do you call an authoritarian potato?

A dicktater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65f1ja/what_do_you_call_an_authoritarian_potato/
%
What are we doing for Easter?

Wife: What are our plans for Easter?
Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.
Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.
Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65f0zo/what_are_we_doing_for_easter/
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The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the first two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65f0ij/the_other_day_i_had_sex_with_my_third_cousin/
%
I wrote a song about a tortilla

Actually it was a wrap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ezw5/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
%
Last day kindergarten

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."
That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was
leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65evg6/last_day_kindergarten/
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What did the leper say when he was challenged to a fight?

"You want a piece of me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65eu8p/what_did_the_leper_say_when_he_was_challenged_to/
%
Which 3 US bills have to do with sexual harassment of women?

Bill Cosby
Bill O'reilly
Bill Clinton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65esrt/which_3_us_bills_have_to_do_with_sexual/
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How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?

They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65eql9/how_did_hellen_kellers_parents_punish_her/
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I had a dream that I ordered a package and it never came...

...It was a logistical nightmare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65eoyg/i_had_a_dream_that_i_ordered_a_package_and_it/
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Under President Trump, ISIS continues to spread across Middle East

as a fine red mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65eo88/under_president_trump_isis_continues_to_spread/
%
How do you pronounce "Aunt"?

"Ont", "Ant", or "Goldnt"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65env5/how_do_you_pronounce_aunt/
%
My friend asked me why I don't date much. I said well I find talking to girls really weird.

I say things like 'Hi, how are you?'
And I just get shit back like 'What the fuck are you doing in my house? I'm calling the police'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65emv3/my_friend_asked_me_why_i_dont_date_much_i_said/
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I'm sick and tired of beating around the bush, so I have to ask...

Are there any other ways to satisfy my girlfriend?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65eh7a/im_sick_and_tired_of_beating_around_the_bush_so_i/
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Only 1300's kids will get this...

bubonic plague

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65eebr/only_1300s_kids_will_get_this/
%
I told my therapist I feel like I'm invisible

My therapist replied, "who said that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ee3t/i_told_my_therapist_i_feel_like_im_invisible/
%
Earth only has a 1 star rating.

Any more than that, and everything would burn up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ectk/earth_only_has_a_1_star_rating/
%
What do you call death by a massive pumpkin falling on your head?

gourd to death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ean6/what_do_you_call_death_by_a_massive_pumpkin/
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I used to weep over my poor apple harvest.

Then I grew a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65e7sa/i_used_to_weep_over_my_poor_apple_harvest/
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Why did Africa pull a prank on Europe?

He thought he was GHANA get away with it. KENYA blame him? He's BENIN worse situations before. OMAN, I gotta stop. I can't BELIZE i'm saying these words right now. There's NORWAY anybody is gonna find this funny. Nothing ISRAEL to me anymore. How much do you want TIBET this will get downvoted to oblivion? Well, if you do downvote this, then URUGUAY. If you and your friend both downvote this, then you are both a PARAGUAY's. Why JAMAICA me crazy like this?? I SPAIN so much time writing this, and now IRAN out of material :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65e6al/why_did_africa_pull_a_prank_on_europe/
%
It's my son's 18th birthday today

"All these presents are just for you!" I said
After ripping them open excitedly, he said "Dad, all these boxes are empty..."
"I know. Use them to pack your things and get the fuck out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65dxt6/its_my_sons_18th_birthday_today/
%
During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65dvmc/during_a_job_interview_yestarday_i_poured_some/
%
What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long?

A pithon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65dtfp/what_do_you_call_a_snake_thats_exactly_314_feet/
%
When a girl says: 'If you can't handle me at my worst...

When a girl says: 'If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best'.
What she really means is: 'I'm a fucking psycho'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65dt4l/when_a_girl_says_if_you_cant_handle_me_at_my_worst/
%
A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.

The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you girls are at it for two hours at least!" "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65dqxn/a_wife_hangs_up_after_about_a_halfhour_on_the/
%
Best thing about fingering a psychic on her period?

You still get your palm read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65dq37/best_thing_about_fingering_a_psychic_on_her_period/
%
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"

Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65dmnm/woman_to_her_husband_while_at_it_please_say_dirty/
%
Reposts are like a fart.

We can tell who really did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65dk68/reposts_are_like_a_fart/
%
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE!

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be in it with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65djp6/five_rules_for_men_to_live_happy_life/
%
I saw graffiti in a bathroom that said: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I DID YOUR DAD!"

Underneath someone replied:
"Go home mom. You're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65di60/i_saw_graffiti_in_a_bathroom_that_said_dont_hate/
%
Why don't Millenial barbers ever get sideburns right?

They literally can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65dhqc/why_dont_millenial_barbers_ever_get_sideburns/
%
What did the caveman order at the cafeteria?

A Club Sandwich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65dgsq/what_did_the_caveman_order_at_the_cafeteria/
%
What does Christianity and blowjobs have in common?

You're on your knees begging a man to come again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65df46/what_does_christianity_and_blowjobs_have_in_common/
%
I'm dating a girl called Ruth..

.. once she dumps me, I'll be Ruthless! HAAAA!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65degx/im_dating_a_girl_called_ruth/
%
A German and Japanese man walk into a B.A.R

They didn't come home that night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65dckb/a_german_and_japanese_man_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Have you heard that Duracell bunny is in jail?

They say he was charged with battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65da1z/have_you_heard_that_duracell_bunny_is_in_jail/
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A man purchased a new Mercedes

to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The police cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65d9us/a_man_purchased_a_new_mercedes/
%
"Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

"Son, do you see those 4 trees? well, an alcoholic would see 8."
"But dad, i only see 2."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65d9tw/dad_whats_an_alcoholic/
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Timing

What's the difference between a bad joke and a good joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65d9b6/timing/
%
Jose came to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game.

So when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, there game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look. "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65d5v9/jose_came_to_america_from_mexico_and_wanted_to_go/
%
A tourist visits a Zen sanctuary.

While wandering the gardens near the back of the temple, the tourist encounters two Zen masters standing near a closed door. They appear to be having a rather serene sort of debate, so the tourist stops to listen.
"As one's burden increases," says the first Zen master, "so too does their need for haste." He steps toward the door, but is stopped by the second Zen master.
"True," says the second Zen master, "but that which moves within us may also move without us." He also takes a step toward the door... but the first Zen master holds up a hand.
"Your words are wise," replies the first Zen master. "However, darkness held inside becomes harder and hard to expel." Once more, he takes a step toward the door, only to have his path blocked by his companion.
"A single gust of wind," the second Zen master responds, "can release a fearsome avalanche."
Several seconds pass in silence as the two men stare at each other. Finally, the first Zen master steps away from the door. "There can be no denying your enlightenment."
The second Zen master nods, walks through the door, and closes it behind him. The tourist, feeling both curious and inspired, rushes forward to speak with the first Zen master.
"That was amazing!" the tourist says. "I feel like I've learned so much! I just have one question: What's behind that door?"
"What, that?" answers the first Zen master. "That's the bathroom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65d4zx/a_tourist_visits_a_zen_sanctuary/
%
In response to the invitation for a rather unusual REUNION of all time greats

* Newton said he'd drop in.
* Socrates said he'd think about it.
* Ohm resisted the idea.
* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
* Volta was electrified at the prospect.
* Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.
* Ampere was worried he wasn't current enough though alternately none were.
* Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
* Edison thought it would be illuminating.
* Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.
* Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
* Dr Jekyll declined - he said he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
* Morse said, "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."
* Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.
* Hertz said he planned to attend with greater frequency in the future.
* Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.
* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
* And Dr. Sigmund Freud couldn't help but give it the slip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65d3ve/in_response_to_the_invitation_for_a_rather/
%
I was was caught speeding yesterday

The police officer walked up to my window
Officer: I've been waiting for you all day
Me: I know, i came as fast as I could

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65d3p1/i_was_was_caught_speeding_yesterday/
%
Johnny vs Teacher

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65d2ht/johnny_vs_teacher/
%
Dogs can't operate MRI machines

But catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65d2cl/dogs_cant_operate_mri_machines/
%
A suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because bastards like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65d0yr/a_suicide_bomber_blew_himself_up_and_appeared/
%
I just turned 18 and my parents tried to surprise me with a car

They missed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65cxph/i_just_turned_18_and_my_parents_tried_to_surprise/
%
As a doctor, I've had a private practice for 20 years. But I'm quitting...

I just don't have the patients for it anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65cx6c/as_a_doctor_ive_had_a_private_practice_for_20/
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My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true.

I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65cv9a/my_wife_accuses_me_of_favoritism_over_my_children/
%
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them

I prefer mine poached!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65csx6/they_told_me_i_was_too_old_to_hunt_for_easter/
%
Don’t try to understand women.

Women understand women and they hate each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65cs57/dont_try_to_understand_women/
%
How long does an Owl live?

Six and a half books.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65crrz/how_long_does_an_owl_live/
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Dating Profile

Newly single.
Newly widowed more accurately.
My ex fucked dozens.
Many children, all aggressive in nature.
I have a goofy name but my friends just call me....
FOAB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65cqfp/dating_profile/
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TIL there's a website that recycles 98% of its pages.

/r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65cpyp/til_theres_a_website_that_recycles_98_of_its_pages/
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Ever had sex while camping?

It's fucking intents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65cpi6/ever_had_sex_while_camping/
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The cake is a lie.

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?"
The mom quickly replied, "We were baking a cake."
A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake again?"
Surprised, she said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65cmtp/the_cake_is_a_lie/
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Catwoman don't know the capital of Nepal...

but Kathmandu!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ck00/catwoman_dont_know_the_capital_of_nepal/
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Lent

My wife gave up intercourse for lent. I wish she would have told me. I might have joined her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65cjt5/lent/
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My local police precinct had the toilets stolen.....

Police say they have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65cj70/my_local_police_precinct_had_the_toilets_stolen/
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What did Jesus say to the Romans after he rose from the dead?

Don't ever cross me again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ciyx/what_did_jesus_say_to_the_romans_after_he_rose/
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United Airlines new motto:

"Our prices can't be beat, but you can."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65cf0l/united_airlines_new_motto/
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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.
One to screw in the lightbulb.
The other to hold my cock
Mother
LADDER.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ced9/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Jesus is doing fantastically well at this crossword

He's nailed two across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ce09/jesus_is_doing_fantastically_well_at_this/
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What's it called when you get an erection at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65cc0l/whats_it_called_when_you_get_an_erection_at_a/
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How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort?

Enough to kill two and a half men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65c96u/how_much_cocaine_did_charlie_sheen_snort/
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Star wars joke

Han solo: Yoda are we going the right way?
Yoda: Off course we are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65c6n9/star_wars_joke/
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Origami is like Poker...

You gotta know when to fold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65c64y/origami_is_like_poker/
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Two old men are comparing their sex lives:

Man 1: I can still do it twice!
Man 2: Which time do you enjoy the most?
Man 1: I think the winter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65c21h/two_old_men_are_comparing_their_sex_lives/
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What's the difference between Game of Thrones and United Airlines?

One has dragons and the other has drag-offs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65c1bi/whats_the_difference_between_game_of_thrones_and/
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I quit my job today. I just couldn't work there after what he said to me.

:what did he say
: You're fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65c0kr/i_quit_my_job_today_i_just_couldnt_work_there/
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An oak tree walks into a bar.

Nuts on a woman, barks something inappropriate, and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65c00r/an_oak_tree_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three Pregnant Ladies

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor’s waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for their respective babies.
Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.
"What was that?", the other two ask, curiously.
"Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for baby", she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.
Satisfied, all three continue with their knitting. Five minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.
"What was that?", the other two enquire.
"Vitamin tablet", she replies, “Good for mommy, good for baby" and she pats her stomach affectionately.
All three smile and continue busily with their knitting. Five minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.
"What was that?" ask the other two.
"Thalidomide. I can’t knit sleeves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65bxlc/three_pregnant_ladies/
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There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol had on walking…

The result was staggering…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65bscg/there_was_a_recent_study_that_tried_to_pinpoint/
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Never give up your seat for a lady.

That's what got me fired as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65brgr/never_give_up_your_seat_for_a_lady/
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Has anyone heard of the invention of the wheel?

It was revolutionary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65bqg8/has_anyone_heard_of_the_invention_of_the_wheel/
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King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?

Squire: 384 my liege
king: Ok, round them up
Squire: 400 my liege

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65bo99/king_how_many_volunteers_do_we_have_for_my_evil/
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Peter and his luck.

Peter goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist .
"Hello, could you give me condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" ...
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as peter was going out, he returns and says ...
"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike a luck there too." ...
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as Peter was leaving again he turns back and says: "Give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still hot and when she sees me she always makes eye contact and since she invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move ...
At dinner, peter sat with his girlfriend on the left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the Dad walks in, Peter lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer ...
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all u've given us"...
Five minutes after, peter was still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness" ...
Ten minutes go by, and peter is still praying, keeping his head down, very close to the table.
They all looked at each other surprised, and his girlfriend was even more surprised than others.
She gets close to him and whispered, "I didn't know you were so religious" ...
Peter with his head still on the table replies,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"and I never knew your dad was the pharmacist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65bo8l/peter_and_his_luck/
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I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65bn9t/i_just_got_kicked_out_of_karaoke_night_for/
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A man sees his shed being robbed...

A man, about to crawl into bed with his wife for the night, looks out his window to see 3 men robbing his shed. So, he calls the police. "Hello, I see three men stealing from my shed, can you please send someone down here?" The operator replies, "I'm sorry sir, but there's no units available in your area. It will take 30 minutes for someone to get to you." The man thinks this is odd, but hangs up.
A minute later he calls back and says, "Ok, you can take your time now, because I've shot them all." Within 6 minutes police cruisers arrive on-scene and catch the 3 robbers red-handed. A police officer walks up to the man and says, "I thought you said you'd shot them all?" The man replies, "I thought you said there were no units available in the area?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65bj23/a_man_sees_his_shed_being_robbed/
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Has anyone heard of the invention of the shovel?

It was groundbreaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65biu7/has_anyone_heard_of_the_invention_of_the_shovel/
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I once worked in a helium factory

It wasn't a very nice job, because of the leaks, but the owner was very sympathetic and we all spoke highly of her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65bgcp/i_once_worked_in_a_helium_factory/
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AN OLD FART

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" She replies, "It's pretty nice -- except they won't let you fart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65b8vk/an_old_fart/
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Why are 70% of all ghosts female?

Cause bitches can't let things go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65b1of/why_are_70_of_all_ghosts_female/
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Do you know, what is better than winning a gold medal in Paralympics?

Legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65b12b/do_you_know_what_is_better_than_winning_a_gold/
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65b0uk/why_did_the_tomato_blush/
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Trying to think of a hilarious Good Friday joke...

I really want to nail this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65b0ge/trying_to_think_of_a_hilarious_good_friday_joke/
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An impressive meal

Bob has a client come in to town to make a business deal. Wanting to impress he takes the client to a restaurant known for it's specialty foods and tells his client it will be the best meal of his life. Once they get to the table Bob orders for the both of them, "criadillas de toro for my client and enchiladas for me por favor", and the waiter goes to the kitchen to put in the order.
Curious, the client asks Bob, "why did you order one thing for me and another for yourself?" and Bob answers "The criadillas de toro are a very special meal they only serve once a week to special customers, it's made from the testicles of the bull from the weekly bull fight."
When the waitress brings the meal to the table Bob cannot believe his eyes, what was just last week a very large portion was now quite small and unimpressive and he asks the waitress "Hey! What gives, last week this was a large meal fit for a king but today it look likes a kid's meal"!? To which the waiter replies "Sorry senior, but sometimes, the bull, he does not lose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65azuo/an_impressive_meal/
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Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over.
Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but i know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies
The cop says" You were doing a 55 in a 35."
Heisenberg throws up his hands shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now,Asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65awpj/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car/
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To all those people calling Americans fat...

they dropped 21,600 pounds yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65aw3t/to_all_those_people_calling_americans_fat/
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''The Floor is lava''

~ Everyone, Pompeii, 79 A.D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65aul9/the_floor_is_lava/
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Psst! McDonald's has a secret promotion going on. If you tell them the secret passphrase, they give you a free Big Mac.

The secret code is "I have a gun, get me a fucking Big Mac".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65atyw/psst_mcdonalds_has_a_secret_promotion_going_on_if/
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Speeder

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for Driving without a seat belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65atvg/speeder/
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I have a friend named Fuck...

...We do everything for his sake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65asn0/i_have_a_friend_named_fuck/
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A boy asked his father

Dad,whats the difference between ''hypothetically'' & "reality"?
Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 million?
Wife: Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity .
Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 Million?
Daughter: Yes He's my fantasy.
Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with, Tom cruise for 1 million?
Elder Son: Why not?  Imagine what I could do with that money!
Father turns to his younger son: You see son, 'Hypothetically' we're sitting with 3 millionares but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes & a gay man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65an9l/a_boy_asked_his_father/
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An Iraq War Veteran Walks into a Bar

He quietly takes a seat and asks for a bourbon, double. The bartender obliges, and notices the man's dog-tags while he pours the drink. "First one's on the house – for your service." The veteran nods in approval and reaches towards his glass, but drops it just as he picks it up, spilling the whiskey all over himself. As he wipes himself off, bartender realizes his hand is actually an incredibly realistic prosthetic, unnoticeable all but to the closest inspection. “Had a friend that lost his in the war”, says the bartender, as he motions to the veteran's arm, “what took yours?” The veteran stiffens a bit, gazing into the bar-top. “Well sir, I returned home unharmed.”
He takes a sip of the new drink the bartender has passed him, while shaking his head. “My wife, Katherine, she picked me up at the airport. I hadn't seen her in months, and that nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach – you know, the one you get when you've waited for something for so long it hurts? – it disappeared as soon as she was in my arms.”
“That's great, son,” the bartender started, “and I don't mean to pry, but… how does this relate to the arm?” The veteran takes his good hand and rests it on his temple, pensively tapping. “Well,” he paused, “on the ride home my wife tells me she has a surprise, and that it couldn't wait 'til we got home.” His eyes welling up, he turns his face to the floor. “She hands me a picture. It's her, standing next to a very pregnant woman. I look up at her, confused, but her smile is beaming and I instantly know what she's about to say.” He digs his fist into his thigh. “'It finally happened! She chose us!' she says through happy tears. That's when the car hit us.”
The bartender, in shock, focuses intently on the man's story. He asks gravely, “That took the arm? What about your wife?” At this point the veteran isn't trying to hide the tears running down his face. “Well, sir, I woke up a few days later without a right arm,” lifting his prosthetic, “and the rest of me was broken so badly they told me I wouldn't ever walk again. In fact, I didn't until I got the leg.” The veteran pulls up his jeans to reveal a state-of-the-art prosthetic leg. “I couldn't afford both until..” he trailed off. “Until the settlement. See the driver was drunk. My wife lasted for a few weeks but, but in the end I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I had to let her go. I had to shut it off.”
Shell-shocked, the bartender reflects upon this man's terrible fortune. He pours three more doubles and slides them over. “I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. That's something that no one deserves. I know this must be difficult, and please stop me if it's too much so, but what about your kid?” The veteran sobs. “Without my wife, I wasn't eligible to adopt. The woman, Mary, wanted her daughter – my daughter – to go to me but the state said no. That I wasn't fit. I threw all my money at family lawyers, any lawyers, trying to honor my wife's memory by adopting this child she loved so much.” He shamefully dropped his shoulders and said, “I'm here with my last fifty dollars. I just don't see how I can continue on without this child to remember my wife, but I've got nothing left to my name. I sold the house, the car, even my wedding ring.”
The bartender feels for the young man, and racks his brain trying to come up with something to help. “I've got a thousand dollars stashed in the safe in the back, and I know quite a few regulars here would be willing to help your cause.” The veteran looks up, with the slightest hint of happiness. He dries his eyes and profusely thanks the bartender, but lets him know it couldn't be nearly enough. “These guys are more expensive than you could ever imagine. I know I wasn't prepared.”
The bartender tries a last-ditch effort, “Couldn't you sell the prostheses? They look pretty expensive. And you said it took a settlement to buy them. What did they cost?” “Oh,” replies the veteran, “an arm and a leg.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65amqs/an_iraq_war_veteran_walks_into_a_bar/
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A teacher says to her first grade class

"Alright kids, from now on, we must use grown up words. Now Tommy, what did you do this weekend?"
"I rode on a Choo-Choo", said Tommy
"No Tommy, you rode on a train, please use more grown-up words. Now Jacky, what did you do this weekend?"
"I played with my woof woof", said Jacky
"No Jacky, you should say you played with your dog. Now Suzy, what did you do this weekend?"
"Well," she said, "I watched a television show"
"See, those are grown-up words. Now Suzy, what show did you watch?"
Suzy thought for a second and proudly said, "Winnie the Shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65akks/a_teacher_says_to_her_first_grade_class/
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I got a blow job from my teacher yesterday.

I love being home schooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ajw0/i_got_a_blow_job_from_my_teacher_yesterday/
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How does an Asian feel after they have been insulted?

Disoriented -.-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65aixr/how_does_an_asian_feel_after_they_have_been/
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Malaysia Airlines may get lost

but at least you'll never lose your seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65aino/malaysia_airlines_may_get_lost/
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When is the bible accurate?

When thrown from close range

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65agiq/when_is_the_bible_accurate/
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Non-chain restaurants are usually better than chain restaurants

because they're... off the chain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65aft1/nonchain_restaurants_are_usually_better_than/
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Things that keep doctors away:

1: apples
2: assault by airplane staff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65aflm/things_that_keep_doctors_away/
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A man finds a magic lamp

, rubs it and a genie appears. The genie says I will grant you three wished on the condition that whatever you wish for your ex wife will get double. The man points to the range of hills overlooking the nearby town and says for my first wish I want a mansion built on those hills overlooking the town. The genie says it is done. A giant mansion appears on the second tallest hill but an even more massive mansion appears on the tallest hill and the genie says that mansion is your ex wife's. The man looks annoyed but says for my second wish I want ten million dollars. The genie says it is done and your ex wife now has 20 million dollars. The man is now irate and thinks long and hard for several moments thinking of his last wish. Finally in a moment of clarity the man triumphantly proclaims genie for my final wish I want you to beat me half to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ac84/a_man_finds_a_magic_lamp/
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Say what you want about how a pterodactyl shits loudly...

... at least its P is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65ab3i/say_what_you_want_about_how_a_pterodactyl_shits/
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While bathing my 6 year old son, he stuck a wet foam letter to my back.

I pulled the letter "P" away from my skin and my son said "Dad, I peed on your back!"
-true story, just happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65a75r/while_bathing_my_6_year_old_son_he_stuck_a_wet/
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What do you call a band of albinos

The bleach boys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65a6f6/what_do_you_call_a_band_of_albinos/
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So Jesus walked into a hotel...

Walks up to the registration desk, lays down a few nails and says "can you put me up for the weekend? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65a3f3/so_jesus_walked_into_a_hotel/
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When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65a2ho/when_i_die_i_want_to_die_like_my_grandfather_who/
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A new subreddit for people who are only slightly into wrestling

mildyintowrestling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65a2f1/a_new_subreddit_for_people_who_are_only_slightly/
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My son lost his first tooth today.

That will teach him to talk back...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65a1u9/my_son_lost_his_first_tooth_today/
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Why do farts linger on in the Apple store?

They can't open windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659ykm/why_do_farts_linger_on_in_the_apple_store/
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Two women are grocery shopping

One picks up a russet potato and says: "This reminds me of my husbands penis."
The other woman says: "Wow, that big?"
The first woman replies: "No, that dirty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659x4x/two_women_are_grocery_shopping/
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I hate it when statisticians try explaining things to me.

95% of the time I don't know what they mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659vwz/i_hate_it_when_statisticians_try_explaining/
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Don't make fun of my midget girlfriend

I'm nuts over her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659vm2/dont_make_fun_of_my_midget_girlfriend/
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A husband and wife of many years travels to Israel.. [Long]

The wife is an extreme nagger that cannot stop nagging all through out their trip until suddenly she dies of a heart attack. The government official that assists the grieving husband says to him, "It will cost you about $5000 to transport your wife's remains back to the US, while it will cost you only $500 to bury here in Israel." The husband without a moment's hesitation tells the official he wants to transport her back home for $5000. The government official is shocked and asks the husband, "but why would you pay so much just to bury her??" The husband replies, "2000 years ago a guy died and woke up 3 days later around this area. I cannot take that chance with her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659v7a/a_husband_and_wife_of_many_years_travels_to/
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I used to be addicted to quoting Taylor Swift

But I think I'm finally clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659thw/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_quoting_taylor_swift/
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Why do Jewish men have to be circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 20% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659sio/why_do_jewish_men_have_to_be_circumcised/
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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659sfb/a_flight_is_on_its_way_to_sydney_when_a_blonde_in/
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So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today.

That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659rh0/so_the_us_military_dropped_a_22000_lb_bomb_on/
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Remember when Pop Rocks used to be popular?

Sad, they kind of fizzled out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659r5z/remember_when_pop_rocks_used_to_be_popular/
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What did the prospector say the the zombie rappers?

"There's mold in them there grills"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659q2w/what_did_the_prospector_say_the_the_zombie_rappers/
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It's quite hard to compare the epididymis and the seminal vesicle

There's a vas deferens between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659nce/its_quite_hard_to_compare_the_epididymis_and_the/
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I got fired from my job as a taxi driver...

It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659mhl/i_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_taxi_driver/
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Hey ladies : if you think men are all the same

Why won't anyone go out with me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659ijm/hey_ladies_if_you_think_men_are_all_the_same/
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Why did the Golfer bring two pairs of pants to the game?

In case he got a hole in one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659gtz/why_did_the_golfer_bring_two_pairs_of_pants_to/
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After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table...

I needed a running start, but I did it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659elj/after_dinner_my_wife_asked_me_if_i_could_clear/
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What do astrounauts put in their toasts?

Space jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/659cfb/what_do_astrounauts_put_in_their_toasts/
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Two brewers made a joke about drowning in beverage.

You wouldn't understand it. It's an in-cider joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6596yp/two_brewers_made_a_joke_about_drowning_in_beverage/
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TIFU by accidentally walking out with the footlong BLT of the guy ahead of me in line

Whoops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6591p0/tifu_by_accidentally_walking_out_with_the/
%
What does a vampire call a used tampon?

Cotton candy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658rzp/what_does_a_vampire_call_a_used_tampon/
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A lawyer, a priest, and a scoutmaster with his troop

are on a plane. Suddenly the pilot has a heart attack and the plane begins to plummet.
The scoutmaster says, 'There aren't enough parachutes we must give them to the kids!'
The lawyer replies, 'Fuck the kids!'
The priest asks, 'Do you think there's time?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658qgz/a_lawyer_a_priest_and_a_scoutmaster_with_his_troop/
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Why are weathermen not to be trusted?

Because their judgment is clouded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658orh/why_are_weathermen_not_to_be_trusted/
%
What's Japanese for "Terrible"

EA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658lco/whats_japanese_for_terrible/
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I knew someone with twelve boobs.

Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658l4a/i_knew_someone_with_twelve_boobs/
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Sleeping Pills

A man walks into his doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need sleeping pills".
"Why, what's going on?", replies the doctor.
"I have these two songs constantly stuck in my head and I can't sleep! You've got to help me!", implores the man.
"Well which two songs?" asks the doctor.
"That song 'What's New Pussycat' and the theme song to the movie Thunderball", the man tells the doctor.
"Ah. You've got Tom Jones Syndrome", the doctor solemnly tells the man.
"Tom Jones Syndrome? I've never heard of that! Is it common?" the man says.
The doctor replies, "It's not unusual".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658krj/sleeping_pills/
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A woman wants to become a nun

She goes to the head nun, who tells her that if she wants to be a nun, she can only say 2 words every 7 years.
She agrees, and she becomes a nun. After 7 years, she goes to the head nun, who tells her she can now say her 2 words. She looks at the head nun and says "Food sucks", and walks away
Another 7 years pass, and she goes to the head nun, who gives her permission to say her two words. She looks at the head nun, says "No heat" and walks away.
After another 7 years, the nun comes to say her 2 words, and she says "I Quit"
"Well thank god" says the head nun. "All you've done is complain since you got here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658hmb/a_woman_wants_to_become_a_nun/
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I work at a book depository, 6th floor

Since no one reads anymore I have time to kill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658gjp/i_work_at_a_book_depository_6th_floor/
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What is the ideal weight for an ex-wife?

About 3 pounds including the urn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658gb2/what_is_the_ideal_weight_for_an_exwife/
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A shipwreck occurred, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island...
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...
"Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?"
"yes" she said "anything!"
"OK, first i want you to take off your toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"
"OK..."
"Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"
"Wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly.
"Ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"
she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.
"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"
"OK... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...
She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h... Suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658ef1/a_shipwreck_occurred_only_scarlett_johansson_and/
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Daughter's vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658bxy/daughters_vibrator/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A Gummy Bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658bj1/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
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So y=e^e^x was hitting on y=e-1/x ...

y=e^e^x said, "come with me baby, I'll show you the natural growth of my log". "Sorry", replied y=e-1/x, "but even I have my limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658b62/so_yeex_was_hitting_on_ye1x/
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I have the body of a god

Its a shame its Buddha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658b1k/i_have_the_body_of_a_god/
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Shipment of Viagra stolen...

Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6588yd/shipment_of_viagra_stolen/
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The Old Couple and the Tornado

Not sure if this one's been posted or not, but here goes.
An old couple were driving down a street in their neighborhood during a freak storm. Suddenly a tornado crosses the road and lifts their car. They're thrown about for several seconds before landing upside down in someone's yard. They're both shaken, but mostly alright. The wife crawls out of the wrecked vehicle and notices that all her clothes were ripped off during the chaos.
"Honey!" the husband shouts, "My leg is stuck, I can't get out! Go find help!"
"I'm naked! I'm not running down the street like this!" she says in protest.
He grabs his shoe that was lying on the ceiling and tosses it to her.
"Here, cover up and go find help!"
The wife places the shoe over her crotch and runs down the street. Luckily she spots a passing car and flags them down.
"Excuse me, sir! My husband's stuck and he can't get out! Please help us!"
The driver looks at the shoe, pauses, and then looks at her again.
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but if he's in that far, he's not coming out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658702/the_old_couple_and_the_tornado/
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I'm not a racist...

I have a colour TV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6586fx/im_not_a_racist/
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Winter is like Justin Bieber

It was cute and fun at first, but now it's obnoxious and should probably stay in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6585fy/winter_is_like_justin_bieber/
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A man's daughter walks up and asks

"Daddy, why am I named Rose?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head."
She walks away. His second daughter walks up and says,
"Daddy, why am I named Daisy?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head."
She walks away.
Then the father's third daughter walks up and says:
"DDDDDDUUUUUURRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!"
"Shut up, Cinderblock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/658594/a_mans_daughter_walks_up_and_asks/
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An old man and an old woman are sitting a watching a movie...

When the old man says to the old lady "You know, I miss it when my wife used to hold my dick when we'd watch movies together because her hands were so warm and it brought warmth down there."
The old lady says "I suppose I could do that if you promise not to tell anyone about it"
The old man smiles and says "I promise."
The next few weeks pass without incident... then suddenly, the old lady finds the old man with another old lady and finds her hands in his pants while *they're* watching a movie... she's gets really frustrated and says furiously "What does she have that I don't?!"
The old man smiles and says "Parkinson's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6582uj/an_old_man_and_an_old_woman_are_sitting_a/
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A policeman searched me last night...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6582cp/a_policeman_searched_me_last_night/
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Day 20: Still lost at sea.

Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a compass protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy leg man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6580or/day_20_still_lost_at_sea/
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What happened to the overconfident lion-tamer?

He was consumed by his own pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657x0q/what_happened_to_the_overconfident_liontamer/
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Why is Jesus always shown with a six pack of abs?

Because hes Cross fit.
Happy easter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657qvm/why_is_jesus_always_shown_with_a_six_pack_of_abs/
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A big shout out to sidewalks!

Thanks for keeping me off the streets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657qeq/a_big_shout_out_to_sidewalks/
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10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...
God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657pct/10_husbands_still_a_virgin/
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Jesus was originally supposed to come back on the second day...

But he suffered from some resurrectile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657o4g/jesus_was_originally_supposed_to_come_back_on_the/
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Night of Drinking

A man and his pet fox walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my fox." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the fox falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a fox."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657lql/night_of_drinking/
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A pirate walks into a bar

with a ship's steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender asks "Doesn't that hurt?" The pirate replies, "Yar, it's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657kq4/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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The US just dropped a new single today

It quickly became the number 1 hit in Afghanistan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657kcu/the_us_just_dropped_a_new_single_today/
%
My ex was massage therapist before we broke up and I don't know why everytime I see her.

But she just rubs me the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657ir9/my_ex_was_massage_therapist_before_we_broke_up/
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I overcooked my Hawaiian pizza

I should've put it on Aloha heat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657ic6/i_overcooked_my_hawaiian_pizza/
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From: "Mike of Yahoo News" A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates

A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates where he was met by St. Peter. He immediately demanded his 72 Virgins, which was promised to all fighters who die fighting infidels. Suddenly out of a cloud strode George Washington who walked up to him and gave him a huge roundhouse punch that broke his nose and sent him sprawling. Before he could get up off his knees, little James Madison appeared and using his walking stick clobbered him on his head. As he lay rolling in pain, out of another cloud rode Robert E. Lee on Traveler who drew his sword and gave him a vicious slash across his face after which Traveler stepped on his leg crushing it. Screaming in pain, the Daesh member hollered..."BUT WHERE ARE MY 72 VIRGINS?!?!" to which St. Peter calmly replied" Mohammed spelled it wrong. It was 72 VIRGINIANS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657e95/from_mike_of_yahoo_news_a_daesh_isis_fighter_died/
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I think. Therefore I am

denther than water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657dt8/i_think_therefore_i_am/
%
I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse.

so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657d7p/im_starting_to_feel_that_the_united_airlines/
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There are 11 types of people in the world.

All three of them understand binary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657cyf/there_are_11_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
Whats the difference between oral and anal?

Oral makes your day, anal makes your whole week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6575so/whats_the_difference_between_oral_and_anal/
%
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital...

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse.." he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now
listen very, very closely..
Are - my - test - results - back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/657503/a_male_patient_is_lying_in_bed_in_the_hospital/
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Did you hear about the huge circus fire?

It was in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6574ln/did_you_hear_about_the_huge_circus_fire/
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Achoo

A woman gets on a plane and sits next to a random dude. Just before takeoff, he sneezes. She turns to him to say "Bless you" but is startled into silence when she sees him furtively take his penis out, wipe it off, and put it away. She decides to say nothing.
However, after she observes this behavior from him several times, she can no longer keep her silence.  "Excuse me, " she says "I can't help but notice that you keep pulling your dick out and wiping it off" He apologizes: "I'm so sorry. I try to be as discrete as possible. You see, I have a rare neurological disorder where every time I sneeze, I come."
"Oh my. That must be very difficult for you. What do you take for that?"
"Pepper"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6572we/achoo/
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Friends are like onions

You cry when you cut them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6572b6/friends_are_like_onions/
%
A new survey shows that 99% of Americans dislike Donald Trump

I knew Trump was a part of the 1%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65725r/a_new_survey_shows_that_99_of_americans_dislike/
%
How do Mexican's cut their pizza?

little caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6571yn/how_do_mexicans_cut_their_pizza/
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United's Service Has Really Gone Downhill

Just 16 yrs ago they flew you right to your office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6571jm/uniteds_service_has_really_gone_downhill/
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"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65705r/hey_dad_why_is_my_sister_called_teresa/
%
What is Easter?

Three blondes are killed in an accident and find themselves at the Pearly Gates talking to St. Peter.
"Before I let you into Heaven you have to answer one question for me. What is Easter?"
The first blonde says "Oh, I know that. Easter is that time in the fall when you go door-to-door and people give you candy." "No" says Peter "That is Halloween. You cannot enter Heaven."
The second blonde says "Is it that time in the winter when all the nice men give you presents?" "No" again.
Finally, the third blonde answers. "Easter is that time in the spring when we celebrate the death of our Lord Jesus Christ who died on the Cross, was laid in his tomb and on the third day arose from the dead and came out of his tomb."
"And if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656yof/what_is_easter/
%
What's a White Supremacists Favorite Drink?

White Power-ade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656ydb/whats_a_white_supremacists_favorite_drink/
%
I'm very good friends with 25 letters from the alphabet

I still don't know why, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656xgy/im_very_good_friends_with_25_letters_from_the/
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So proud of Caitlyn Jenner for getting sex reassignment surgery

It takes balls to do that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656t1z/so_proud_of_caitlyn_jenner_for_getting_sex/
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Local Apple grower was sent to federal prison this week...

In cider trading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656qad/local_apple_grower_was_sent_to_federal_prison/
%
The workers at Staples must have loved college

They write "college ruled" on all the notebooks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656p31/the_workers_at_staples_must_have_loved_college/
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I have a friend who is in love with Pixar movies.

He's fucked Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656lzg/i_have_a_friend_who_is_in_love_with_pixar_movies/
%
Jokes about menstruation just aren't funny

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656lbs/jokes_about_menstruation_just_arent_funny/
%
"Mom why does everyone in our family suddenly die?"

"... Mom?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656l6t/mom_why_does_everyone_in_our_family_suddenly_die/
%
A Salvadoran Pepito Joke (Dirty Johnny)

Pepito's parents were going out of town and asked his buxom teacher if he could stay with her.  She reluctantly agreed.
She gave Pepito a quick tour of her place and ended the tour at the guest room, where she told Pepito he would be sleeping.  She settled in to her bedroom.  Five minutes later, she heard a wailing sound coming from the direction of her guest room.
While mumbling to herself angrily, she went to check on Pepito.
"Whaaaaaa!"
"Pepito, what's wrong?"
"It's just that, at home, I sleep in my parents' room!"
"Well, you're not sleeping in MY room!"
"WHAAAAA!"
"Ok, fine!"
She grabs the comforter and puts it on the couch in her room.  She gets into bed and not five minutes later...
"Whaaaaaa!"
"Pepito, what's wrong?"
"It's just that, at home, I sleep in my parents' bed!"
"Well, you're not sleeping in MY bed!"
"WHAAAAA!"
"Ok, fine!"
She puts Pepito on one edge of the bed, puts the covers over him, while she slides onto the opposite edge.  She closes her eyes and about five minutes pass before...
"Whaaaaaa!"
"Pepito, what's wrong?"
"It's just that, at home, my mom lets me put my finger in her belly button!"
"Pepito, that's really weird.  I'm not going to let you do that!"
"WHAAAAA!"
"Ok, fine!"
Ten seconds pass...
"Pepito, that's not my belly button!"
"It's not my finger either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656gxa/a_salvadoran_pepito_joke_dirty_johnny/
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Careful Ladies

Fat guys only want to get in your pantries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656fdd/careful_ladies/
%
Infidelity

An older guy walks up to Saint Peter, who asks him for his story.
"I came home from work early to our 9th floor apartment and as I opened the door I spotted my naked wife sprinting into the bathroom. She locked the door and refused to come out. I went into the bedroom to find a naked guy hanging from the balcony railing. Enraged, I hammered on his hands until he lost his grip. I looked over the edge and saw he had landed in some bushes and was still moving. Infuriated, I went into the kitchen, dragged the refrigerator out on the balcony and shoved it over the side onto the sumbitch. Then I had a heart attack and here I am."
The next guy walks up to tell his story:
"I was doing naked yoga on my 10th floor balcony when the railing gave way. I thought I was a goner but managed to catch the railing on the apartment below. Then some crazy guy ran out and made me lose my grip. I thought I was a goner but the bushes broke my fall. The last thing I saw was a refrigerator."
The next guy walks up:
"Ok. Picture this: I'm naked, and I'm hiding in a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656c35/infidelity/
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A history teacher offers Monday off to the first student who can answer a trivia question as they are leaving on Friday afternoon.

Teacher: "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country' and in what year?"
Japanese Exchange Student: "It was most honorable President John F. Kennedy in 1961."
Teacher: "That is correct. You may have Monday off. The rest of you should be ashamed. This Japanese exchange student knew the answer before any of you Americans"
Kid in the back of the class: "FUCK THE JAPANESE!"
Teacher: "Who said that?"
Kid in the back of the class: "Lee Iacocca in 1980. See ya Tuesday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656b10/a_history_teacher_offers_monday_off_to_the_first/
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A farmer buys a cock to breed his hens...

The first day the cock fucks every hen of the farmer.
Needless to say the farmer is amazed.
The second day the cock fucks every hen plus the geese.
Needless to say the farmer is impressed and a bit worried about the cock...
Then, at the evening of the third day the cock is laying motionless on the ground with the vultures already drawing circles over him.
The farmer gets closer and says "Well, that's what you have brought to yourself..."
Then the cock says "go away, they are about to land!"
(I don't know if this has been already submitted, so, sorry if it was)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656a1f/a_farmer_buys_a_cock_to_breed_his_hens/
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What does the Joker call masturbation?

Beating the Red Hood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6568sc/what_does_the_joker_call_masturbation/
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NOAH'S DIARY: Day 42...

NOAH'S DIARY: Day 42
Dragon steak for lunch, and Unicorn pie for dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6567ey/noahs_diary_day_42/
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Computerized Diagnosis !

Jack :-“My elbow really hurts I guess I should see doctor.
His friend “Don’t be so desi. There’s a computer at the
drug store that can diagnose anything quicker andcheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer
will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do
about it. It only costs $10.00.
Jack figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar
with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read- You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new
technology was and how it would change medical
science forever,Jack began to wonder if it could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from
his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer,
poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.?
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights,
and printed out the following analysis.......
*1.*Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.?
*2.*Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.?
*3.*Your daughter is getting’ screwed by three guys at
the same time and has urinary infection. Put her on
Antibiotic and keep a track of her outings.
*4.* Your wife is pregnant . . . twins. They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.
*5.* And Bastard, If you don’t stop masturbating, your
elbow will never get better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6565ua/computerized_diagnosis/
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Got in trouble at work today

There was a safety meeting at work today.
They asked me what steps I would take if a fire was started at work. "Really fucking big ones" was the wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6564nr/got_in_trouble_at_work_today/
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Jesus saw a woman being stoned and rushed to protect her.

He shouted to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin cast the next stone."
A single stone smacked Jesus on the back of the head.
He turned around and yelled, "Fuck off, mother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6564dz/jesus_saw_a_woman_being_stoned_and_rushed_to/
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I invented a new word today

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656361/i_invented_a_new_word_today/
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How do you make one disappear?

Add a G to the beginning and it's gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/656205/how_do_you_make_one_disappear/
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How many atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

*Two. One screws in the light bulb and the other records the events to prove God didn't do it.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6560wi/how_many_atheists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What do you get when you cross a cheese grater with a giraffe?

A ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/655n3v/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cheese_grater/
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Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.

Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.
Man: Hi, I'd like to book a triplex for the weekend.
Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.
Man: Are you sure? I really need the triplex.
Yoda: There is no tri, only du.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/655m5u/yoda_is_working_at_a_hotel_as_a_concierge_and_a/
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What's the best way to find out the answer to anything. ?

Post the wrong answer on Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/655l3x/whats_the_best_way_to_find_out_the_answer_to/
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What's the end result of a soccer game between Jamaica and Ethiopia?

Half the grass is smoked and the other half is eaten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/655jxx/whats_the_end_result_of_a_soccer_game_between/
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What do you call soup that kills itself?

Stewicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/655jqy/what_do_you_call_soup_that_kills_itself/
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What kind of building is the tallest?

Libraries, because they have the most stories!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/655j7h/what_kind_of_building_is_the_tallest/
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A pirate joke

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"
"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night."
"That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night."
"Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!"
"Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?"
"Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/655i1l/a_pirate_joke/
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What's green and got wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/655hnd/whats_green_and_got_wheels/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. He can seldom close his eyes without opening them again at fear of Charlies lurking in the jungle trees. Not that you could ever see the bastards, mind you. They were swift, and they knew their way around the jungle like nothing else. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces as he walked into that village and... oh, Jesus. The memories seldom left him, either. Sometimes he'd reminisce - even hear - Tex's southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes like nothing else. He always kept a pack of Lucky's with him. The boys are gone, now. He knows that; it's just that he forgets, sometimes. And, every now and then, the way that seven looks at him with avid concern in his eyes... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. Makes him feel like he's back there... in the jungle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/655g0l/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.

He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/655f1z/a_man_walks_into_a_shop_and_sees_a_cute_little_dog/
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Count to 10

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/655eez/count_to_10/
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As compensation for their appalling behaviour, United Airlines are going to sponsor a lot more community sports and activities

Their first project will be Drag Racing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/655aoe/as_compensation_for_their_appalling_behaviour/
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So a priest walks up to an atheist and says afterlife.

The atheist stares and says I don't get it.
The priest says I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/655ac4/so_a_priest_walks_up_to_an_atheist_and_says/
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To passengers who are taking the 1.30 to Shrewsbury from platform 3A...

...could you bring it back please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6559yg/to_passengers_who_are_taking_the_130_to/
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I bought a dog off a locksmith today.

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6558fj/i_bought_a_dog_off_a_locksmith_today/
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Teacher: "Why are you late?"

Student: "Someone told me to go to hell."
Teacher: "Why did that make you late to class?"
Student: "I couldn't find it at first, but now here I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6557y6/teacher_why_are_you_late/
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What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A baBOOM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6555b0/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_in_a_minefield/
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In the early days of aircraft, China was copying some American designs.

They bought one of the earliest gliders from the States and carefully took it apart. Measured dimensions of the wings and body, weighed every single part and even did some careful studies to determine the exact materials.
They put some of their best engineers on it to ensure all the maths checked out and to their great amusement they were able to build a perfect replica of the American airplane.
Preparing for the first flight they trained a group of pilots and selected the duo best suited for this ultimate test.
Unfortunately, seconds after launch they crashed into the ground resulting in the death of both pilots.
Months were spent studying where they made a mistake, which flaw they had not yet uncovered, what secrets they had yet to understand. But then, on a rainy afternoon, it dawned upon them.
Two Wongs don't make a Wright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6554ok/in_the_early_days_of_aircraft_china_was_copying/
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A pregnant woman from Virginia

was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6552xd/a_pregnant_woman_from_virginia/
%
A man received a message from his neighbour...

A man received a message from his neighbour. "Sorry sir, I am using your wife, day and night, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do...
I confess this now because I am feeling very much guilty.
I hope you will accept my sincere apologies."
The man shot the wife...
A few minutes later he received another message:
"Fucking autocorrect: wifi, not wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65519e/a_man_received_a_message_from_his_neighbour/
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Erotic is using a feather…

…kinky is using the whole chicken...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6550vp/erotic_is_using_a_feather/
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A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
“Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my Dad says it will take the contagious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654vn4/a_teacher_asks_her_class_to_use_the_word/
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Why is it annoying dating a waitress?

They just want the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654vbj/why_is_it_annoying_dating_a_waitress/
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How are posts on /r/jokes like Jesus?

You can kill one but it comes back in three days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654tqx/how_are_posts_on_rjokes_like_jesus/
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Today I saw someone waving but I ...

Today I saw someone waving but I wasn't sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me.
I'm a terrible lifeguard.
___
xpost- r/sickipedia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654t3t/today_i_saw_someone_waving_but_i/
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Why can't T-Rex's hi-five?

Because they are all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654neu/why_cant_trexs_hifive/
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*year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017

Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.
Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654kz9/year_2020_nurse_sir_youve_been_in_a_coma_since/
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Mickey Mouse wants to divorce Minnie

Lawyer – Mickey Mouse, you say you want to divorce Minnie because she is extremely silly?
Mickey – No, I said, she is fucking Goofy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654id4/mickey_mouse_wants_to_divorce_minnie/
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An owl and a squirrel are in a tree watching a farmer go by

The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654i8b/an_owl_and_a_squirrel_are_in_a_tree_watching_a/
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To the guy that found my empty wallet…

I don’t know how to repay you…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654hip/to_the_guy_that_found_my_empty_wallet/
%
A woman calls her husband in his car

Wife: I'm watching the news and a guy is driving the wrong way on the highway.
Husband: one guy? There's hundreds of them going the wrong way!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654gut/a_woman_calls_her_husband_in_his_car/
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A woman playing Golf

hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs,fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away,unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.She massaged him  tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654gto/a_woman_playing_golf/
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Was out of the loop. Asian friend told me United Airlines has the power to deny your liberties

He said they punched his rights out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654exm/was_out_of_the_loop_asian_friend_told_me_united/
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An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers but only 4 parachutes.

The pilot announced of the crash and immediately took his own parachute.
The 1st passenger, the President, said ,"I am the newly elected US President , and I am the smartest President in American history , so my people don't want me to die." He took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 2nd passenger, a doctor, said,"I've got to get to the hospital. There are hundreds of lives waiting to be saved by me!"
The 3rd passenger, the police, said "I've got to get to work too! The city's security depends on me". With that, he too, took a parachute.
The 4th passenger , the Pope , said to the 5th passenger , a 10 year old schoolboy , " My son , I am old and don't have many years left , you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said ," That's okay , Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. They already threw the doctor out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654dg7/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash_there_were_5/
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A kid gets in a taxi

The taxi driver tries to be funny and to ridicule the kid.
If your mom would be an idiot, what would you be?
An idiot, answers the kid.
The driver starts laughing
If your dad was a retard, what would you be?
A retard, answers the kid.
Sudden twist (by u/squidward_is_swag): the taxi driver is infuriated and in a fit of rage. He drives the car off a bridge killing both people. It turns out he had severe mental issues from abuse in his past and was venting out his anger on the child. The child would have died anyway as the driver was planning on murdering him in his psychotic, blurred state of mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654byo/a_kid_gets_in_a_taxi/
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I sued the airport for misplacing my luggage

They lost the case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654bf5/i_sued_the_airport_for_misplacing_my_luggage/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer

Im not sure what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654bbr/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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Donald trump is placing a ban on telecommunications from the middle east...

It's called the teleban

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654b9y/donald_trump_is_placing_a_ban_on/
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Have you heard the new United Airlines motto?

"One drag a day keeps the doctors away!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/654af3/have_you_heard_the_new_united_airlines_motto/
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A blind man walks into a freezer...

"I was blind, but now icy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6546ib/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_freezer/
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Confusing Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea. Then he says with a deep sigh, 'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6545z6/confusing_puzzle/
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TIL kangaroos can jump higher than houses.

Houses can't jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6540fm/til_kangaroos_can_jump_higher_than_houses/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Don't know, don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6540fc/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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Euclid as a teenager

Back in his youthful days, Euclid was sitting around drawing circles with other nerdy Greek kids like he always would. One day, one of the edgier kiddos brought along some weed.
"I conjecture that if we light it up, we will be as high as Mount Olympus!"
"We must make sure to distribute it evenly based on each of our relative body mass and desire for doobies."
They start calculating the mass of weed and how to distribute it, when Euclid's mom comes to check on them.
"Is that the dank smell of weed?"
"It's not weed! It's just a cig-ma!"
(I'm so sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653yau/euclid_as_a_teenager/
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Yesterday I fucked my sister in an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653x5x/yesterday_i_fucked_my_sister_in_an_elevator/
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Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.
(Joke Originally from The Joke Cafe - http://thejokecafe.com )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653w8e/atheism_and_religion_are_but_two_sides_of_the/
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I only eat certain types of oatmeal cookies

because raisins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653w6k/i_only_eat_certain_types_of_oatmeal_cookies/
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A young cowboy walks into the saloon.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653vc2/a_young_cowboy_walks_into_the_saloon/
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How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?

qwsedrftgyhujikolpawesdrtfgyhujikloaszxdcrfvgtbhnjmk,lazsxdcfvgsedtfrgyftg67y78u87u8uii9op[;'';;'/;l/l;.l.k,lkmjkmertyudfghjk12q21q2qw3qwe3we4r45rt6ygerdgfvbwedfcv qwedfscv

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653uo5/how_many_wipes_does_it_take_to_clean_a_keyboard/
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After Jesus cured the blind man...

Do you think he gave up masterbation? Or did he go up to Jesus again later like "So, funny story..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653u4v/after_jesus_cured_the_blind_man/
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Fiancè

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653sq9/what_did_jayz_call_his_girlfriend_before_they_got/
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Two dogs were fighting the other day.

So I called the police to report domesticated abuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653ru0/two_dogs_were_fighting_the_other_day/
%
Why are horses the most unproductive animal to have in office meetings?

Because they're all just neigh-sayers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653qvm/why_are_horses_the_most_unproductive_animal_to/
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Now US can't loose in Card Game Because...

They have Trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653qlv/now_us_cant_loose_in_card_game_because/
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Stop calling me a fucking grammar nazi

We prefer the term alt-write

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653qgs/stop_calling_me_a_fucking_grammar_nazi/
%
So many failed United Airlines jokes...

They just don't get off the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653pwi/so_many_failed_united_airlines_jokes/
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When you want to go skydiving,

fly United.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653pgz/when_you_want_to_go_skydiving/
%
I saw a man fall on the ground and his wife yelled, "Someone call him an ambulance!"

So I yelled back "Hey dude, you're an ambulance!" and left. Hope he's ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653n6u/i_saw_a_man_fall_on_the_ground_and_his_wife/
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What are the three branches of the government?

Military, Corporate, and Hollywood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653lck/what_are_the_three_branches_of_the_government/
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The Trains Are Always Late

A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The railroad engineer replied.
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653jzk/the_trains_are_always_late/
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How do you eat your United Airlines meal?

Through a straw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653jea/how_do_you_eat_your_united_airlines_meal/
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My friend at work complained the IT department is so slow, every time she creates a ticket it takes them a month to get to it.

I told her if you wanna get a message to IT, you've got to post it on reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653jc8/my_friend_at_work_complained_the_it_department_is/
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Did you hear...

United now offers Red Eye and Black Eye flights?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653g7k/did_you_hear/
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What's the difference between Digiorno and a good joke?

Delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653eov/whats_the_difference_between_digiorno_and_a_good/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant...

...Dress her up as an alter boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/653dd9/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65381c/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6534l6/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_cant_draw/
%
When I finally worked out the secret to cloning...

...I was beside myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65323m/when_i_finally_worked_out_the_secret_to_cloning/
%
Bill Clinton and Al Gore go out to lunch

, The waitress comes up to take their order, Bill Clinton says "I'll take the quickie darlin". The waitress gets very upset over this and says "I've been a big supporter of you and voted for and this is the thanks I get" and storms off. Al Gore turns to Bill and says "I think it's pronounced quiche"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6531ml/bill_clinton_and_al_gore_go_out_to_lunch/
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God dang you people and your United jokes.

You just keep dragging this thing out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/652zpq/god_dang_you_people_and_your_united_jokes/
%
A man walks into a bar with a dildo sticking out of his butt and tries to order a drink.

"Sorry buddy." The bartender says. "But we don't serve cocktails here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/652yn0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_dildo_sticking_out/
%
If I ever go to prison, I'm going to start lifting weights

So I can be the powerhouse of the cell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/652wxh/if_i_ever_go_to_prison_im_going_to_start_lifting/
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Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony

But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/652vuo/eating_too_much_cake_is_the_deadly_sin_of_gluttony/
%
Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/652uae/why_was_the_little_ink_drop_crying/
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I received a thesaurus in the mail today, but when I opened it all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/652s4v/i_received_a_thesaurus_in_the_mail_today_but_when/
%
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says to the vendor....

"make me one with everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/652nvh/a_buddhist_walks_up_to_a_hot_dog_stand_and_says/
%
A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/652lsr/a_fish_a_snake_and_stephen_hawking_walk_into_a_bar/
%
It's only a matter of time before Canada conquers the world...

...then we'll all be sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/652jrv/its_only_a_matter_of_time_before_canada_conquers/
%
A runner, a watchmaker and a doctor

are having a nice chat. Said the runner: "I'm 50 years old, but I can still run a 7 minute mile". The others are like "Man, I can't believe it, you're something". After a while it's the watchmaker's time to boast: "I'm 60 years old and I can still fix watches without using a magnifying glass". The others are like "wow, that's really impressive". Then the doctor "I'm 69 years old, and I still see patients in the morning". The flight attendant is like "get the fuck out of here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/652jbe/a_runner_a_watchmaker_and_a_doctor/
%
Why don't cats make good burglars?

They can't get past the laser defenses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/652dhf/why_dont_cats_make_good_burglars/
%
To the woman I met in the bar last night who was mad at me this morning

I never said I had a PhD in theoretical physics. I said I had a theoretical PhD in physics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/652bgf/to_the_woman_i_met_in_the_bar_last_night_who_was/
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FINALLY!. a reddit meme that everyone of all political persuasions can get on board with.

Unless of course you are a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/652a4q/finally_a_reddit_meme_that_everyone_of_all/
%
What do you call a Mexican person who likes anime?

An otaco.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6529kx/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_person_who_likes_anime/
%
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, ‘Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?’
The husband says, ‘What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?’
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, ‘Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?’
He says: ‘What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?’
Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, ‘Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?’
He says, ‘What do I look like, Bob Vila?’
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
‘Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,’ she says.
‘Great! How much is that going to cost me?’ he snarls.
Wife says: ‘Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.’
‘Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?’ asks the husband.
‘What do I look like,’ she says, ‘Betty Crocker?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65253e/a_newlywed_couple_moves_into_their_new_house/
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An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.

He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.
His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65245o/an_old_arab_lived_close_to_new_york_city_for_more/
%
A boy walks up to a priest…

He says:
"Father, I've been thinking real hard about this and I just can't figure it out."
The priest replies:
"Thinking about what, my son?"
"Well, I've been wondering, y'know, about wether God is a boy or a girl, and I'm just not sure."
The priest chuckled then said:
"Well, you see, God doesn't really have a gender in the way you and I normally think of gender. In a way God is both; he's both male and female."
The boy looked at the priest, thought about it, then nodded his head in understanding and ran off to play with his friends.
Next Sunday:
The boy comes back to the priest and says:
"Well, you know that thing you told me last week?"
"Yes."
"I told my friends about it and they all agreed but they wanted me to ask you something else."
"What is it?"
"They wanted me to ask you about wether God is black or white."
The priest smirked and said:
"Well, again I'll have to say both."
The boy thought about it and thanked the priest for his help.
A few minutes later the boy comes back with all of his friends and says:
"Well, we've all be talking and we had one more question for you."
"Yes?" The priest said.
"So, if God is both a boy and a girl; both black and white;
does that mean God is Michael Jackson?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6523s0/a_boy_walks_up_to_a_priest/
%
What do clouds wear under their shorts?

*Thunderpants*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65224n/what_do_clouds_wear_under_their_shorts/
%
I waited on this volleyball team at this restaurant I work at.

I guess you can say they got served.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/65222v/i_waited_on_this_volleyball_team_at_this/
%
Why would Rose from Titanic make a terrible girlfriend?

She won't let you go Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6521k6/why_would_rose_from_titanic_make_a_terrible/
%
What's a pilot's favorite kind of bagel?

Plain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651ze6/whats_a_pilots_favorite_kind_of_bagel/
%
What country had a history of procrastination?

Russia. At one point, they were all for Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651zb4/what_country_had_a_history_of_procrastination/
%
Sex is like pizza

When it's good, it's great.
And when I'm drunk I'll pay for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651z7j/sex_is_like_pizza/
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OCD Millenials

I was talking to this girl with OCD at a bar. She was pissed at her boyfriend for teasing her, so I asked what happened. She said "I can't odds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651yqr/ocd_millenials/
%
If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?

K9P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651x8k/if_h20_is_on_the_inside_of_a_fire_hydrant_whats/
%
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

"Because alcoholism has destroyed my life and my family.  Let me get your rail whiskey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651x7j/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender_asks/
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A man with a high-pitched voice approaches a woman and gives her his best pick-up line...

"If you were a vegetable," he says, "you'd be a cutecumber!"
"And if you were a fruit," replies the woman, "I wouldn't be surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651u3o/a_man_with_a_highpitched_voice_approaches_a_woman/
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How do you punish a pet rock

You hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651u14/how_do_you_punish_a_pet_rock/
%
Three Statisticians go hunting in the woods.

After a few hours, they happen upon a deer.
The first statistician takes a shot and misses 10 feet to the left.
The second statistician takes a shot and misses 10 feet to the right.
The third statistician throws his hands up in the air and says "WE HIT IT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651stl/three_statisticians_go_hunting_in_the_woods/
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What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651rbb/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_penis_and_a/
%
I got caught up in a really great book last night

I didn't stop coloring until 2am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651qgj/i_got_caught_up_in_a_really_great_book_last_night/
%
What do you call a criminal onion that drops sick beats?

A *rap-scallion*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651oov/what_do_you_call_a_criminal_onion_that_drops_sick/
%
What did the Extremist parents say about their children?

...They blow up so fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651kng/what_did_the_extremist_parents_say_about_their/
%
I think my wife might be secretly dealing drugs.

There was a suspicious phone call this morning which I answered. A male voice asked "Has that dope gone yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651jqy/i_think_my_wife_might_be_secretly_dealing_drugs/
%
United Airlines one-liners

Hilarious Compilation of Twitterati responses on the United Airlines Fiasco #NewUnitedAirlinesMottos
"United Airlines: Not enough seating, prepare for a beating."
"We have Red Eye and Black Eye flights available!"
"You can't beat our prices! But we can sure beat our passengers!"
"We treat you like we treat your luggage!"
"Supports new drag and drop feature"
"Board as a doctor, leave as a patient."
"You will be astounded at how explicitly we don't give a fuck!"
"Once you're seated, you'll shortly be mistreated."
"Aisle, Window or Stretcher?"
"Rows 1-10 are now waterboarding"
"The captain has turned off the no dragging sign"
"Is there a doctor on board? Oops, not anymore"
"United Airlines, the only airline where you can get a nose bleed while the plane is still on the ground!"
"We beat the competition, one passenger at a time."
"Whatever happens in flight club, stays in flight club"
"I heard of "fight or flight" but this is ridiculous"
"Roses are red. Violets are blue. So will your face be when we're done with you."
"We're overbooked. You'll pay the price."
"No more space? Get punched in the face!"
"Making sure doctors get to the hospital"
"Life is hard, don't beat yourself up. Let United do it for you."
"Every passenger gets a complimentary hospital visit!"
"Drag me to my destination."
"Hands on customer service is who we are and what we do!"
"We'll greet you, seat you, then beat you"
"Just imagine how we treat your luggage"
"We put the "hospital" in hospitality!"
"Trump is sitting in Maralago right now wondering why he didn't hire United CEO for secretary of state instead"
"Next time my kids refuse to get out of bed, I'm calling United Airlines"
"Cheap Food. Cheap Drinks. Cheap Flights. Cheap Shots."
"Beatings will continue till volunteering improves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651j5o/united_airlines_oneliners/
%
What's the difference between a filthy bus stop and a crab with huge tits?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651gwf/whats_the_difference_between_a_filthy_bus_stop/
%
Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar.

Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/651ggd/back_in_my_day_you_could_buy_3_gallons_of_milk_2/
%
Marriage counseling

A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor. They tell the counselor that they just can't seem to get things working. Constant fights, etc. etc.
The counselor says, "Sometimes a good way to understand where the issues are is to take turns doing a little role-playing with me here in the office, while the other observes."
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "You stand up, and I'll be play your wife. We'll role-play a typical argument."
The husband stands up. He and the counselor begin the role-playing a typical husband and wife argument. Then the wife comes over and kneels down in front of her husband, miming oral sex.
The counselor looks really confused and asks her, "What are you doing?"
The wife says, "I'm playing the nanny!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6515a6/marriage_counseling/
%
I Want To Open A Bath House Staffed Entirely By Minorites

I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/650wkd/i_want_to_open_a_bath_house_staffed_entirely_by/
%
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/650v8q/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

______

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/650u2j/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_in_suspense/
%
What’s the difference between potential and realistic

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/650lx4/whats_the_difference_between_potential_and/
%
A wife's programmer husband goes to the store...

She tell him "Buy some bread. Oh, and while you're there, get eggs."
He never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/650hr2/a_wifes_programmer_husband_goes_to_the_store/
%
How do you restrain a straight person?

Give them a straight jacket.
How do you restrain a trans person?
Make the trans' vest tight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/650fru/how_do_you_restrain_a_straight_person/
%
What can you say about your car but not about your girlfriend?

"It died a few weeks ago but I still use parts of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/650ev2/what_can_you_say_about_your_car_but_not_about/
%
It works! It works!

A woman walking through the park comes across a man looking sad in a wheelchair. The woman asks the man, "What's wrong?" The man looks at her and then points to his groin while sadly shaking his head and says "I just want to have sex, but..." The woman says, "Oh, I understand. Well, tell you what, I'd like to do something for you." She takes him back to her apartment and starts riding him hard. He gets really into it and slides it in, doing her with an elated expression. He starts yelling out "It works! It works! It works!" She says, "Your penis?" He replies, "No! Pretending to be disabled to get laid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/650cvb/it_works_it_works/
%
Say what you like about Amy Schumer

But I've got nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/650cil/say_what_you_like_about_amy_schumer/
%
A British Explorer is Captured by a Tribe in Africa

Whilst searching through the jungles of colonial Africa, a British explorer is captured by a gang of savages. They tie him up and take him to their local village, where they tie him to a stake and prepare to cook and eat him.
As the firewood is being placed around his feet, the tribe leader approaches and says: "Wait! Before we kill and eat you, you have one chance for freedom. All you have to do is pass the challenge of the three caves."
The explorer agrees, is freed and led to the bottom of a mountain. As the mountain path continues towards the skies, there are three caves on the route. The tribe leader explains to the explorer: "in order to pass, you must pass the trial set in each of the caves."
"In the first cave, there is a huge pitcher of potent ale. You have to drink it all; it will make you drunk for the other two challenges."
"In the second cave, there is a tiger with a sore tooth. Remove the tooth in any way you can and survive, and you have one cave left."
"In the third cave, there is the tribe's most beautiful woman. You must pleasure her in any way you can. If you manage to complete all three trials, you're free to leave."
The explorer fancies his chances, so he sets off into the first cave. He drinks the ale and comes out, belching and staggeringly drunk. He thens heads into the second cave to attend to the tiger.
At the bottom of the hill, moments after the explorer has entered the cave, the tribe leader and his men hear roaring and screaming, and finally silence. Just as the tribe leader is preparing to send his men to retrieve the body from the cave, the explorer leaves the cave battered and bloody. He shouts down to the tribe leader: "now where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6509wv/a_british_explorer_is_captured_by_a_tribe_in/
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Why did the invisible man decline the job offer?

Because he couldn't see himself doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6509vp/why_did_the_invisible_man_decline_the_job_offer/
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FYI: I'm holding a seminar for people who have difficulty achieving an orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6508ql/fyi_im_holding_a_seminar_for_people_who_have/
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Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6507ek/q_what_goes_vroom_screechvroom_screechvroom/
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Teacher says "use 'dandelion' in a sentence"...

The Jamaican student replies "De cheeta is faster dandelion"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6506co/teacher_says_use_dandelion_in_a_sentence/
%
Buzzfeed did a top 10 list of power measurements

You'll never believe Watt's number 6

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6502nj/buzzfeed_did_a_top_10_list_of_power_measurements/
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What do you call a satisfied video editor?

Content creator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/650208/what_do_you_call_a_satisfied_video_editor/
%
She's wet, just give it to her.

"Give it to me!" a girlfriend shouted at her lover. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"
"You can scream all you want," he said, "but with manners like that, I'm never going to give you the umbrella."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6501dx/shes_wet_just_give_it_to_her/
%
There's this new camouflage being developped that apparently makes soldiers invisible!

You have to not see it to believe it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6500wy/theres_this_new_camouflage_being_developped_that/
%
My girlfriend wants to be my wife

But I like her better than my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6500t6/my_girlfriend_wants_to_be_my_wife/
%
Maria asks for a raise...

Maria, a maid, asks her boss, a married woman, for a raise.
Annoyed, she asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?"
Maria: 'Well Miss, there are three reasons I deserve a raise. First, I iron better than you.'
Boss: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Boss: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Boss: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Boss: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
The Boss is obviously upset: 'Did my husband say that?'
Maria: 'No, the gardener did.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zzxb/maria_asks_for_a_raise/
%
My doctor told me I need to stop drinking

so he could put the thermometer in my mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zz0q/my_doctor_told_me_i_need_to_stop_drinking/
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TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zysj/til_humans_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
%
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zvkw/why_cant_miss_piggy_count_to_70/
%
What do you call a handful of pennies?

Common cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ztah/what_do_you_call_a_handful_of_pennies/
%
Not sure if Jesus was black or white...

...but he certainly wasn't asian, or people wouldn't be asking him to take the wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zt0x/not_sure_if_jesus_was_black_or_white/
%
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zszt/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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I'm into gay midget porn.

You might think that's weird, but hey, at least I can say I always stick up for the little guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zryo/im_into_gay_midget_porn/
%
I once had a goldfish that knew how to breakdance

But only for 20 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zrw7/i_once_had_a_goldfish_that_knew_how_to_breakdance/
%
Difference between a feminist and a toddler?

Nobody hates a Toddler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zqwa/difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_toddler/
%
My donkey dug a huge pit in my garden

What an ass hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zpuv/my_donkey_dug_a_huge_pit_in_my_garden/
%
What is a suicide bombers worst fear?

Dying alone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zmh7/what_is_a_suicide_bombers_worst_fear/
%
If you wrote a book about Lightning McQueen...

Is it a biography or an autobiography?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zm2w/if_you_wrote_a_book_about_lightning_mcqueen/
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I was going to make a United Airlines joke, but there's so many..

That it threw me off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zjrc/i_was_going_to_make_a_united_airlines_joke_but/
%
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zglz/why_does_donald_trump_take_xanax/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

and a chair
and a table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zd17/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed.. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zcvg/a_burglar_broke_into_a_house_one_night/
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Sex with me is like flying united....

You'll feel better if you don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zaw6/sex_with_me_is_like_flying_united/
%
Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess?

They always check, mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64zaca/why_are_australian_security_guards_so_good_at/
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If i spent as much time working as i did procrastinating

TIL there is an island in the Bahamas called Pig Beach populated entirely by swimming pigs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64za9d/if_i_spent_as_much_time_working_as_i_did/
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A woman giddily asks her husband...

"Honey, if you could pick any number to represent me, what would it be?"
"Pi," said the husband.
"Oh!" she replied "That's interesting. Does it have something to do with circles?"
"No," he said. "But Pi is irrational, darling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64z9ry/a_woman_giddily_asks_her_husband/
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The year is 2020

You won't get it now but it'll be clearer then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64z3en/the_year_is_2020/
%
Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker...

So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64z0w7/just_accidentally_emailed_a_porn_link_to_a/
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I had a Goldfish that could break dance

on the carpet, for 20 seconds, only once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64yzwe/i_had_a_goldfish_that_could_break_dance/
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Think of a number from 1 to 10. Add 13, multiply by 2. Subtract 1. Now close your eyes.

It's dark. Isn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64yzwa/think_of_a_number_from_1_to_10_add_13_multiply_by/
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About 3.000 years ago, lived the Egyptians. In their time, they build the pyramids.

As it should be...
I think, if you're going to build pyramids.
You should do it in your own time.
(Sorry if my English isn't that great, I translated it from my language.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64yxxr/about_3000_years_ago_lived_the_egyptians_in_their/
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13 reasons why

Hannah: Can I have your wifi password?
Random person: Nah, sorry connection is shit as it is.
Hannah: Welcome to your tape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64yxem/13_reasons_why/
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Hi guys, I was going to tell you my chemistry joke...

But I don't think I'll get a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ywos/hi_guys_i_was_going_to_tell_you_my_chemistry_joke/
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I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64yqxm/i_finally_found_out_what_they_call_the_vacuum_at/
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My friend said to me "that's a nice ass shirt"

And I said
"Thanks. But they're called trousers not an ass shirt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64yowj/my_friend_said_to_me_thats_a_nice_ass_shirt/
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Why do you not make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Because she is thick and tired of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ynvl/why_do_you_not_make_fun_of_a_fat_girl_with_a_lisp/
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My GF punched me in the face and kicked me out. I begged her to let me return home...

I feel we are more United than ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64yja4/my_gf_punched_me_in_the_face_and_kicked_me_out_i/
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What do you get if you try and make love to a gorilla?

Kicked out of the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64yg8r/what_do_you_get_if_you_try_and_make_love_to_a/
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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: Why so glum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell! Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway. Guy: Gee, that sounds great! Satan: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it! Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow... that's awesome! Satan: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,  Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. Do you do drugs?? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean... Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares. Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place! Satan: You gay? Guy: No... Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64yfza/one_day_a_guy_dies_and_finds_himself_in_hell_as/
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What is Donald Trump's favorite movie?

From Russia with Love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64yfdt/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_movie/
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Jew with a full erection

So what happens when a Jewish man with a full erection runs into a wall?
He breaks his nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64yeix/jew_with_a_full_erection/
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A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store..

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'
Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'
He responded 'They had eggs.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ydtz/a_wife_asks_her_programmer_husband_to_go_to_the/
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Why can't gypsies have kids?

Because they have crystal balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ycwq/why_cant_gypsies_have_kids/
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I wonder if JFK ever thought about how he'd die.

At least I know a bullet crossed his mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ycw8/i_wonder_if_jfk_ever_thought_about_how_hed_die/
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Did you hear about the orgy at the Native American reservation?

It was in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ycf8/did_you_hear_about_the_orgy_at_the_native/
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Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

He's a master of deduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64y7y1/why_are_sherlock_holmes_taxes_so_low/
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Anytime a man holds the car door open for a woman, one thing is for sure,

either the car is new, or the woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64y768/anytime_a_man_holds_the_car_door_open_for_a_woman/
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[OC] [Long] The National Mining Championship

Every year there is a national mining championship between miners of all different backgrounds to see who the most effective miner is. The winners of the competition are often lauded within the mining community and there is a grand prize of £100,000.
The semi-final is between ten different miners and, this year, two friends, Jack and Stephen, make it to the semi-finals. They line up with the other eight competitors and the announcer fires the gun.
Suddenly all ten of the miners start hurriedly picking through the mountain in front of them. *Pick pick pick*. The race is fairly even to begin with, but, soon enough, Jack and Stephen's mining prowess sees them begin to pull ahead of the competition. They can't see each other, due to the rock and other competitors between them, but they know the other must also be doing well as they are both similarly talented. As the semi-final drags on, it becomes clear that the final will be between Jack and Stephen, the clear front-runners in the competition. *Pick pick pick*. Their families and friends cheer them on, watching from the screens in the viewing area, which are linked to cameras in the tunnels at designated spots throughout the routes.
The race ends and Jack and Stephen are to be in the final. The crowd goes wild, then heads home to have dinner and rest before tomorrow's final. Jack heads to see his family also and they go out for dinner at a wonderful Mexican restaurant. Whilst there his wife leans in to tell Jack a secret:
"Jack, do you know about Stephen?" she asks.
"What about Stephen?" Jack responds.
"You haven't heard?"
"No. What is it darling?"
"His wife is leaving him," she says, "and she's taking the children".
Jack continues to eat his dinner, but the thought weighs heavy on his mind. He and Stephen hadve been friends since they were children, working in other peoples' mines for a living. Now they each own their own mining companies and have made great successes of themselves. But Stephen's wife has always been promiscuous and never seemed trustworthy. In earnest, Jack always felt that she was with Stephen for the money. She was just too beautiful for him, and Stephen seemed a little too blind in love to notice.
As Jack continues to think about the consequences of the looming divorce, it dawns on him that Stephen might have to close his business. Stephen had once confided in him that the company was profitable, but that there was a real concern that he might have to close it if he was unable to keep profits up.
After dinner, and whilst his family slept, Jack creeps out of his hotel room and knocks on Stephen's door.
"Hey Jack," Stephen says in a dreary, slumbered state, "what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be resting for the race tomorrow?"
"I heard about your wife, Stephen," Jack responds, "what's going to happen to the company?"
Now fully awake and quite angry, Stephen says "I might lose it. But that's none of your business Jack. Why are you asking me this now?"
"Look Stephen", Jack says, trying to console his friend, "I'm going to throw the competition tomorrow. You need the money more than I do. My company is healthy and I don't have to worry about paying for a divorce. You deserve it."
Stephen, now quite incensed, responds angrily, "don't you fucking dare Jack! We've both been working towards this our whole lives, training and honing our skills to be the best in the business. Now we're in the final and you want to throw it for personal reasons? And if I win? How would I feel knowing that it was a hollow victory? You had better try your hardest Jack, I do not need your sympathy."
"Okay, Stephen," says Jack, a little dejected, "may the best man win I suppose".
Both men go back to their rooms and slleep a full night's sleep in anticipation of the final.
---
It is the day of the final and Jack and Stephen are standing at the starting line. The crowd are drinking beer and eating hot dogs, cheering loudly. Jack and Stephen are right next to each other this time and will be able to gauge each other's progress as they mine through the mountain.
Jack is in deep thought as he prepares for the race. He wants to help his friend, but knows that this is an important race and a competition both have always wanted to win. Bearing in mind the previous night's discussion, he decides to go at it with the best of his ability.
*BANG*, the announcer fires the gun and the two men start digging into the mountain.
*Pick pick pick*.
The two friends and competitors are completely inseparable for the first half of the race. At some points Stephen is inches ahead, at others, Jack is. The crowd is shouting, jumping and screaming. This is the best race the National Mining Championship has ever seen.
*Pick pick pick*
Suddenly Jack starts to pull marginally ahead. Adrenaline is coursing through his body and he can feel that the win is in his hands.
*Pick, pick, pick*
With each strike of the pick-axe, Jack can feel himself one step closer to victory and glory.
*Pick. Pick. Pick.*
Suddenly Jack's mind is overwrought with guilt. He remembers the conversation with Stephen and, although Stephen had urged him to compete, he realises what winning might do to his dear friend. He considers offering Stephen a partnership role in his business, but knows that Stephen is not fond of pity.
*Pick. Pick. Pick."*
Jack slows down. He has to let Stephen win, he decides. Just a bit less effort in each swing of the axe.
*Pick... Pick... Pick...*
Suddenly Stephen starts to catch up. Slowly but surely, he manages to overtake Jack and begins to establish a lead. But Stephen knows how good of a miner Jack is. It seems overly suspicious to him and he too remembers the preceding night's conversation. He is outraged that Jack would ignore his desires and belittle him like this.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Shouts Stephen loud enough that Jack can hear him through the walls.
... Silence.
"HEY JACK!"
...
"Stop trying to *under-mine* me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64y5dg/oc_long_the_national_mining_championship/
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I talked to Milo yesterday to see how he was doing...

He said he's "alt-right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64y3wm/i_talked_to_milo_yesterday_to_see_how_he_was_doing/
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Have Sex And Get Stoned

Saudi Arabia is no joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64xzo9/have_sex_and_get_stoned/
%
Say what you like about Amy Schumer

She can take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64xuk0/say_what_you_like_about_amy_schumer/
%
Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed.

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64xtlp/being_on_a_united_airlines_flight_is_like_smoking/
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What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer.
What do you call a blind deer with no limbs?
Still no eye deer.
What do you call a castrated blind deer with no limbs?
Still no fucking eye deer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64xh92/what_do_you_call_a_blind_deer/
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Do YOU remember your First Blowjob?

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Oh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64xfaa/do_you_remember_your_first_blowjob/
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Yesterday I was beating off while sitting on a United flight.

Er, sorry, beaten off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64xezt/yesterday_i_was_beating_off_while_sitting_on_a/
%
Do you know how I think people who smoke marijuana should be punished.

Stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64xeyt/do_you_know_how_i_think_people_who_smoke/
%
3 friends are walking through the woods and find a magic lamp...

So they pick up the lamp and rub it. What do you know- a genie pops out.
He tells the friends they can each have 3 wishes.
The first says: "I wish that I have a billion dollars."
The genie says "yep, 1 billion dollars has gone straight into your bank account."
The second person says: "I wish I am the richest man in the world."
The genie says: "it is done"
The third friend asks: "I wish my left arms spins clockwise forever." His arm then began to spin clockwise.
The genie than says: "OK, time for your second wishes."
The first man says: "I wish that I could have the most beautiful woman as my wife." A beautiful woman appeared and kissed the first man on the cheek.
The second man says: "I wish that i am so charismatic that very woman in the world loves me." The first man's wife then walked over to him and started flirting with him.
The final man says: "Genie, I wish that my right arm could spin anti clockwise forever." His right arm started spinning.
The genie than said: "OK, boys, this is your final wish. Wish carefully."
The first man says: "I wish that I can always be happy." All of a sudden, he started smiling brightly.
The second man says: "I wish that I can become very successful." The genie nodded.
The last man says: "I wish that my head nods up and down forever."
The genie nodded and said: "goodbye." The lamp then disappeared.
A few years later, all 3 men met up to discuss their wishes.
The first man said: "I'm so happy! I'm super rich, I've never felt sad all these years and my wife is a freak in the sheets."
The second man said: "yeah, your wife is a freak in the sheets," waggling his eyebrows. "I own lots of successful companies, I've donated billions of dollars to charities and I've still got lots of money. I can also get whatever woman I want!"
The third man, with his arms spinning and head nodding, said: "guys, I think I fucked up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64xewr/3_friends_are_walking_through_the_woods_and_find/
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Grades do matter, it seems

A mother is driving her young daughter to her friend's house for her to play.
"Mommy, how old are you?" The daughter asks.
"Mabel, please know that asking that sort of question to a woman is quite rude." She replies.
"Hmph. Then mommy, how heavy are you?" The daughter questions her.
"Did I not tell you that asking a woman about their characteristics is very rude?"
The mother replies, a bit aghast.
"Then mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" The curious young daughter asks again, determined to get an answer.
"Hush! Stop asking questions!" The mother shouts, exasperatedly.
The young daughter had sulked for a long time, even after she arrived at her friend's house. Her friend noticed her sour face, so she asked, "Why do you look so sad?"
The daughter cried, "My mother won't answer my questions about her!"
"If that's the case, you could look at her identification card! That shows a lot of information about people!" The friend excitedly replies, eager to help her out.
While the mother drove her daughter home, the daughter snatched her mother's wallet from her handbag and took her identification card out and proceeded to read the card.
"Mommy, I know you are 39 years old and you weigh 65kg!" She tells.
"What? How did you know?" The mother replies, shocked that her daughter knew such information despite not telling her
"And," the daughter continued, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce!"
"Oh, really?" The mother replies, skeptical.
"Yeah. You got F for sex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64xdvm/grades_do_matter_it_seems/
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Good old Newfies. Newfoundland, Canada declares war on the U.S.A.

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Donald said, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Donald paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
President Trump sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. "President Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpin, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!" said Archie, " have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Trump! I am sorry ta hafta tell ya dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Donald. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
“Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64xcw0/good_old_newfies_newfoundland_canada_declares_war/
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After years of work, a king had the world’s largest garden made

He had plants of every fruit in the garden and he was, of course, very proud of it. To boast his garden he announced that on the last day of the month, anybody who can bring a fruit that is not available in his garden will be granted gold in his/her weight. But, to discourage unnecessary claims he added that anybody who brings the fruit that is already in his garden will be punished by having the fruit in question shoved up their arse.
A man thought that he’d take chances and decided to take walnuts. To his dismay, the king not only had walnuts but all possible fruits in his garden. For his punishment two king’s guard proceeded to shove the walnuts up his arse in the full court. He howled in pain through the process and then suddenly started laughing hysterically. The guards were surprised and asked him what was so funny. Still chortling, he pointed towards the gate where a man was coming carrying a pineapple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64xbmo/after_years_of_work_a_king_had_the_worlds_largest/
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One Sunday morning in church...

... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.
Almost all hands in the church went up.
"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64x7lc/one_sunday_morning_in_church/
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American politics is like sand

It's coarse and gets everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64x45m/american_politics_is_like_sand/
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My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river.

As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”
The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64x2vp/my_husband_was_waterskiing_when_he_fell_into_the/
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United should rebrand to Adrenaline...

Since they promote "fight or flight".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64x2nl/united_should_rebrand_to_adrenaline/
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What did the Vampire say to the Teacher?

See you next period.
(Heard this 20 years ago, hope it's not overly recycled)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64x1pc/what_did_the_vampire_say_to_the_teacher/
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What does porn and United Airlines have in common?

Sooner or later, you're gonna see an Asian guy getting beaten off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64x1ka/what_does_porn_and_united_airlines_have_in_common/
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What did the frog say whilst scrolling down r/Jokes?

Reddit reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64x1a2/what_did_the_frog_say_whilst_scrolling_down_rjokes/
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A gave my seat up to a blind man

The next day I got fired as a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wtkh/a_gave_my_seat_up_to_a_blind_man/
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I've decided I'm going to major in computer science and Japanese.

I'm gonna master weeb design.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wt4i/ive_decided_im_going_to_major_in_computer_science/
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Love is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wsq9/love_is_like_a_fart/
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What has 3 dicks and is suicidal?

Me with 2 dicks in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wqlq/what_has_3_dicks_and_is_suicidal/
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Eyes always tell the worst jokes

They're cornea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64woxj/eyes_always_tell_the_worst_jokes/
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I got chlamydia from a person with special needs

She gave me the slow clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wnxd/i_got_chlamydia_from_a_person_with_special_needs/
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Man v. cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wmy2/man_v_cat/
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.......

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wlhi/an_18_year_old_italian_girl_tells_her_mom_that/
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I came into a lot of money today, which is weird.

I usually use tissues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wfvp/i_came_into_a_lot_of_money_today_which_is_weird/
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UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals

chinese takeout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wez0/update_united_airlines_now_offering_a_new/
%
Bee Marry

Why did the bee marry?
He’s finally found his honey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wet0/bee_marry/
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Half my humor is puns, the other half is memes.

The third half is absurdity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wdit/half_my_humor_is_puns_the_other_half_is_memes/
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[Stupid] Why was the medieval man such an a-hole on the plane ride?

Because U-KNIGHTED AIRLINES

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wcyx/stupid_why_was_the_medieval_man_such_an_ahole_on/
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A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship...

A miserably married guy decides he needs some  companionship, so he goes to a pet store. The salesman says, " I have a   great pet for you. A toothless hamster". The guy says, "Nah." The  salesman says, "But it gives great head." The guy takes it home. His  wife screams, "What the hell is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what   it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fuck out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wcjz/a_miserably_married_guy_decides_he_needs_some/
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Unites Airlines newest in-flight cuisine

Chinese Takeout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wbzy/unites_airlines_newest_inflight_cuisine/
%
What do you call a doctor with two black eyes?

A frequent flyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wb20/what_do_you_call_a_doctor_with_two_black_eyes/
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Do you remember the names of the two gay twins?

I can never keep them straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64wamt/do_you_remember_the_names_of_the_two_gay_twins/
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What item can get you thrown off of a United Airlines flight?

A Ticket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64w65h/what_item_can_get_you_thrown_off_of_a_united/
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A guy drank some magic beer

A man sat alone at the bar of a rooftop club.  Soon another man sat beside him and asked him what he was drinking.
"Magic beer."  the man said.
"What do you mean by magic beer?"  the new arrival asked.
The magic beer drinker took 2 gulps of beer and jumped off the building.  He flew around the rooftop a few times and landed back on his stool.
"That was incredible!"  the other man said.
The new arrival eagerly took some gulps of the magic beer and jumped off the roof.   He plummeted 15 stories to his death.
"You know, you're a real douchebag when you're drunk, Superman."  said the spectating bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64w5f7/a_guy_drank_some_magic_beer/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef Stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64w4vq/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
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Take my advice.

I'm not using it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64w44k/take_my_advice/
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I could never cheat in a relationship

Because that would require 2 people to find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64vz93/i_could_never_cheat_in_a_relationship/
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My wife moaned at me as she put dishes in the washer

I asked her "Why are you moaning at me"
She replied "I'm trying to put a load in the dishwasher, can you stop fucking me?"
I said to her "I'm just trying to put a load in the dishwasher too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64vyqx/my_wife_moaned_at_me_as_she_put_dishes_in_the/
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Whats the difference between a porcupine and a BMW

The porcupine has the prick on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64vwi2/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American get captured by a tribe of cannibals

The leader of the cannibals arrives, and says "Greetings, travelers. I'm sorry to tell you this, but since we have captured you, you must die. Furthermore, we must eat you, and make canoes out of your skins, in accordance with our traditions. However, we will be as humane as we can. We will allow you to take your own lives, and will allow you to do so however you choose. You have an hour to make your decision."
In an hour, the cannibals return. First, they approach the Frenchman, who requests a knife.  They bring him the knife, he stands up, yells "VIVE LA FRANCE!", slits his own throat, and dies. The cannibals then take his body away to be eaten and turned into a canoe.
Next, they approach the Englishman, who requests a pistol. They bring him the pistol, he stands up, yells "LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!", shoots himself in the head, and dies. Again, they take his body away.
Finally, they come to the American. The American asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but bring him a fork. The American stands up, starts stabbing himself all over with the fork, and yells "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64vtkj/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_an_american_get/
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Trump proposed new regulations for the airline industry...

Because even Hitler didn't remove passengers with reserved seats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64vqol/trump_proposed_new_regulations_for_the_airline/
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What's United's favorite charity?

Doctors Without Boarding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64vqgl/whats_uniteds_favorite_charity/
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How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64vq5f/how_do_you_make_a_tissue_dance/
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64vmu6/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
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I had a fish that could break dance on the floor...

But only for like 30 seconds...and only once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64vm7u/i_had_a_fish_that_could_break_dance_on_the_floor/
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You thought what United did to that doctor was bad?

Just wait till you see what Reddit did to a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64vkw6/you_thought_what_united_did_to_that_doctor_was_bad/
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You can't run through a campground, you can only ran...

Because its past tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64vewz/you_cant_run_through_a_campground_you_can_only_ran/
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?

Because it was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64vcwc/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_stand_up/
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Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...

They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64va49/sean_spicer_united_airlines_ceo_and_pepsis_pr/
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RIP boiled water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64v67u/rip_boiled_water/
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When did Hitler decide it was time to Commit Suicide?

He expected to pay the price, but when that final gas bill came in, he said fuck this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64v5cf/when_did_hitler_decide_it_was_time_to_commit/
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What is Putins favorite song to play for Ukraine?

Crimea-River

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64v4so/what_is_putins_favorite_song_to_play_for_ukraine/
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The United CEO, the Pepsi head of marketing, and Sean Spicer walk into a bar.

The bar bursts into flames.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64v340/the_united_ceo_the_pepsi_head_of_marketing_and/
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True Golf Buddies

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f__king mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted!
I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f__king pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight !!!!
Why the f__k did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole!?"
"Because ... he’s thinking of getting married..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64v2h3/true_golf_buddies/
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Why did the doctor feel beat after flying United?

He had a severe case of jet drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64v0oq/why_did_the_doctor_feel_beat_after_flying_united/
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A Guy Is Walking Along The Beach

A guy is walking along the beach, when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs lying on the sand, crying.
He walks over to her and asks what's wrong.
"I've never been hugged before" she says.
Thinking this is a simple enough request, the man hugs her.
She soon starts crying again. He again asks what's wrong, and she replies, "I've never been kissed before."
The man again complies with her wishes and gives her a romantic kiss.
She starts crying again, and the man, slightly irritated, asks what's her problem.
"I've never been fucked before" she says.
So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says, "There, now you're fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64uz2l/a_guy_is_walking_along_the_beach/
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My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off...

I said son that's 4 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64uyvj/my_son_got_kicked_out_of_school_for_letting_a/
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I was walking behind a lady

The lady walking in front of me sped up, so I sped up too.
She started walking even faster, so I did too.
She started running, so I started running too!
She started screaming, so I started screaming too!!
I have no idea what we were running from, but I was terrified!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64uvj5/i_was_walking_behind_a_lady/
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Movies about Jesus?

Hollywood hasn't quite nailed it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64urnm/movies_about_jesus/
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That United passenger got the last laugh

He didn't leave his seat in the upright position

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ur8c/that_united_passenger_got_the_last_laugh/
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I was about to buy cheap tickets on United Airlines,

But someone beat me to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64unuz/i_was_about_to_buy_cheap_tickets_on_united/
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Why can't you use "beef stew" as a password?

Because it's not stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64uly4/why_cant_you_use_beef_stew_as_a_password/
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I'm an alcoholic and my wife is an enabler

She said if I keep drinking, she'll leave me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64uj00/im_an_alcoholic_and_my_wife_is_an_enabler/
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Why did the Mexican take xanax?

Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64uhsd/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ug5z/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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I like my slaves like I like my coffee

Free....you racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ub2r/i_like_my_slaves_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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The past few days summed up

Pepsi: We just pulled the worst PR stunt of the year.
United Airlines: Hold my beer.
Sean Spicer: LEEEEEEEEEEROY JEEENKINS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64u9fh/the_past_few_days_summed_up/
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A small geographical difference

An elderly man walks in to the famous restaurant Lucas Carton in Paris with his girlfriend. He orders a bottle of Rothschild Mouton 1928. The waiter returns with a full bottle of wine and fill up a small amount in a glass for tasting. The man barely smells the wine before putting the glass down and stating: "This is not a 1928 Mouton!"
Soon, almost 20 people are standing around the table. This includes the chef and the restaurants owner. Every single one is trying to convince the old man that it is, in fact, a 1928 Mouton. The waiter then asks: "How can you be so sure this isn't a 1928 Mouton?"
The elderly man then states: "My name is Phillip de Rothschild, and I produce this wine!" The waiter then admits that the wine actually is a Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear the thought of us parting with the last bottle of Mouton 1928. You know, Clerc Milon is produced in the exact same village, with the exact same grapes, the same type of baskets and aged in the exact same barrels. The wines are exactly the same, the only difference is that the vineyards are on the other side of the village."
Rotschild turns to the waiter and says: "When you get home tonight, ask your wife to undress, and put one finger in each hole. Pull them out, and smell them. You'll then understand the importance of a small geographical difference."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64u41b/a_small_geographical_difference/
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"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64u3xa/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
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There is no reason to beat a dead horse

Unless it is flying United.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64u2zf/there_is_no_reason_to_beat_a_dead_horse/
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Uniform colors

A British Officer is captured during the French-English wars. During a lull in the questioning, the French Officer asks:
"You know? I've always wondered why it is, that you English insist upon wearing these ridiculous, red costumes?"
The British Officer, immediately stiffens up and replies:
"Sir! I will have you know that British Officers wear Red uniforms, as to not instill fear in the men, in the event that one is shot, or otherwise wounded."
From that day forwards French Officers were known to have worn brown pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64u09z/uniform_colors/
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Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to-a you watch and say, 'How longa you gonna be?' "?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64tyxr/italian_grandfather/
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Guy: "Ever had a rape fantasy?"

Girl: "No"
Guy: "That's the spirit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ty7y/guy_ever_had_a_rape_fantasy/
%
If you're ever unsure of what gift to give to someone...

Buy them some slippers and a dildo.
If they don't like the slippers they can go and fuck themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ty05/if_youre_ever_unsure_of_what_gift_to_give_to/
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Most Airlines claim to have claim their customer service is "unbeatable"

Only United can say its is "undefeated"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64tx54/most_airlines_claim_to_have_claim_their_customer/
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How does a Russian hacker get its malware onto the NSA's computers?

By in-Stalin it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64tumv/how_does_a_russian_hacker_get_its_malware_onto/
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How did the sadomasochist cross the road?

He flew united

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64touw/how_did_the_sadomasochist_cross_the_road/
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When you fly United Airlines they treat you like a King.

Rodney King that is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64tkth/when_you_fly_united_airlines_they_treat_you_like/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because Seven was a Six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64teet/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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Name a popular state that most people live in.

Depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64tdc6/name_a_popular_state_that_most_people_live_in/
%
A donkey ate my window glass.

It's been a real pane in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ta13/a_donkey_ate_my_window_glass/
%
Got my first job today at a barn!

they told me the work was stable...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64t8fi/got_my_first_job_today_at_a_barn/
%
One time, the parents went out to dinner.

The sitter called and asked if she could cover the creepy clown statue in the kid's room.
The dad said: "Get out of the house. Call the police. We don't have a clown statue!"
By the time police arrived the scene, they found they did have a clown statue and the dad had alzheimer's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64t6wa/one_time_the_parents_went_out_to_dinner/
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Out for a Hike

My friend Ted and I were out hiking in the woods. I was a little depressed over my losing my job as an English teacher and felt I needed the fresh air to clear my mind.
Well, on our hike, we came across something so incredibly sad, it put to bed all of my own problems. There, lying on the trail, was a beautiful and majestic Appaloosa stallion lying on the ground. It had obviously been there for some time and was nearing death. Vultures, silhouetted in the crisp blue sky, circled above.
I looked at the horse; he looked at me. We had an understanding. He wanted us to put him out out of his misery. But before I raised my fist, the stallion rested his head, closed his eyes, and whinnied his last.
Somewhat relieved, I told Ted what we must do now: we had to make sure.
My friend was shocked. He looked over his shoulder frantically "Who," he demanded, "Who should beat this dead horse?"
I looked him in the eye, placed one hand reassuringly upon his shoulder and said:
"You and I, Ted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64t3t7/out_for_a_hike/
%
I laid in bed last night, looking up at the stars and I said to myself-

Where the hell is my ceiling!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64t18l/i_laid_in_bed_last_night_looking_up_at_the_stars/
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The Polish man and his solicitor

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American lady. Although his English wasn't perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed to his solicitor's and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The solicitor said that getting a divorce would depend on circumstances and asked him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home."
"No, i mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"Maybe concrete...not sure..."
"I dont think u understand. Does either of u have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a carport and not need one."
"No...I mean, what are your relations like?"
"All my relations are in Poland."
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I always up before her."
"Is your wife a nagger?"
"No, she white."
"Why do you want this divorce?"
"She going to kill me..."
"What makes you think that?"
"I got proof."
"What kind of proof?"
"She going to poison me!
"She bought a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English well and it say:
POLISH REMOVER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64t0pf/the_polish_man_and_his_solicitor/
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Three adventurers are captured by a dangerous tribe in the jungle.

The tribe's chief tells the adventurers that they have the choice between death and the woulawoula.
The first one has to make his choice. In his head, he thinks: ''I don't know what is the woulawoula, but the choice is easy. I don't want to die. I have a family.'' So, he yells: ''I choose the woulawoula''.
At that moment, one of the tribe's warrior put him on all fours and sodomized him like there is no tomorrow. Once the warrior is done, the adventurer is released.
Now it's the turn of the second to make his decision. He thinks: ''Wow, that was something. Anyway, I prefer to be fuck in the ass rather than to die. Furthermore, it can't be that worst than that one time in college''. So he yells: ''I choose the woulawoula''.
Like the first adventurer, the second one is released after being brutally sodomized by one of the tribe's warrior.
Now comes the turn of the third adventurer. He thinks: ''There's no way I'll be fucked like those two faggots. Shame on them. I will keep my honor''. So he yells: ''I choose death''.
In regard of this decision, all the tribe's warriors clump together to form the firing squad. The tribe's chief declares: ''I admire your courage. I sentence you to death, by the woulawoula''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64sxpo/three_adventurers_are_captured_by_a_dangerous/
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I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find the manual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64sw1z/i_wanted_to_learn_how_to_drive_a_stick_shift/
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Two guys walk into a bar.

Psyche! It's just another United Airlines joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64svyp/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Life Changed

When you realize that the chicken crossing the road is a suicide joke...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64sr9z/life_changed/
%
Airline oneliners

not enough seating, prepare for a beating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64sr23/airline_oneliners/
%
I'm so torn on abortion...

On one hand, it kills babies, which I'm for. On the other hand, it gives women a choice, which I'm against.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64soga/im_so_torn_on_abortion/
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My girlfriend has a new fetish...

To be treated like a United Airlines customer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64slt1/my_girlfriend_has_a_new_fetish/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common

It's a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64slou/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
Who is a penguin's favorite relative?

Aunt Arctica

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64skco/who_is_a_penguins_favorite_relative/
%
Say what you like about plagiarists

They know how to take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64skcd/say_what_you_like_about_plagiarists/
%
What's the difference between my wife and a whore?

If I was to give a whore my pay check I would get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64sjyf/whats_the_difference_between_my_wife_and_a_whore/
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Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?

Yeah it fits right in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64siw2/did_you_hear_they_finally_made_a_device_that/
%
My wife left me because I’m too insecure.

No wait, she's back.
She just went to make some coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64sfl3/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
%
I was texting on my phone and accidentally rear ended someone this morning...

We Pulled into a residential area, the guy got out of his car and lo' and behold, he's a dwarf. He said, "I am NOT happy!!!" I said, "Well then which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64serj/i_was_texting_on_my_phone_and_accidentally_rear/
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I'm ready for this whole United thing to blow over...

It's just beating a concussed Asian doctor at this point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64scg0/im_ready_for_this_whole_united_thing_to_blow_over/
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I came here to make a United joke

But it looks like I got beat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64s9sw/i_came_here_to_make_a_united_joke/
%
I have an invisible boyfriend...

My friends don't know what I see in him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64s95r/i_have_an_invisible_boyfriend/
%
What gets dropped faster than an unruly passenger?

$900 million in market shares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64s8du/what_gets_dropped_faster_than_an_unruly_passenger/
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My ex girlfriend is a brick

Flat on both sides and laid by hispanic men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64s85b/my_ex_girlfriend_is_a_brick/
%
I was at the dentist this morning and while he was examining my mouth, I bit his finger.

I think I left a good impression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64s82j/i_was_at_the_dentist_this_morning_and_while_he/
%
When a man opens the car door for his wife

You can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64s6yf/when_a_man_opens_the_car_door_for_his_wife/
%
I have four eyes, three ears and two noses. What am I?

Ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64s32n/i_have_four_eyes_three_ears_and_two_noses_what_am/
%
My German girlfriend rates our sex from 1-10...

Recently we were trying anal, and she started shrieking "nine" over and over again...
I guess she likes anal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64s23q/my_german_girlfriend_rates_our_sex_from_110/
%
Babe are you my homework?

Because I'd slam you on my table and do you all night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64s075/babe_are_you_my_homework/
%
Saudi Arabia bans chess, calling it a dangerous game

Because:
1. Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
2. Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
3. Queen is more powerful than the King.
4. Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
5. And....there's only one Queen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64rynz/saudi_arabia_bans_chess_calling_it_a_dangerous/
%
Why does Waldo wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64rykl/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
My friend asked me to put him into one of my jokes

i said "Sure how about this one?"
[credit to Demetri Martin]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64rwja/my_friend_asked_me_to_put_him_into_one_of_my_jokes/
%
They say 'You are what you eat', but

I can't remember eating a hairy asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64rsgy/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat_but/
%
What did the man with leprosy say to the prostitute?

*Keep the tip.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64rsab/what_did_the_man_with_leprosy_say_to_the/
%
Jokes about poop are not my favorite

But they're a solid number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64rp16/jokes_about_poop_are_not_my_favorite/
%
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 it would be a sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64rnww/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_2_doors/
%
Did you hear about the lizard who took a viagra?

He had a reptile disfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64rmb3/did_you_hear_about_the_lizard_who_took_a_viagra/
%
There is one thing that United got right: their food is just great.

I hear they even serve a Chinese take-out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64rjgc/there_is_one_thing_that_united_got_right_their/
%
My Korean friend died last night

So Yung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64rczt/my_korean_friend_died_last_night/
%
Why do you fly United early in the morning?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64rcw8/why_do_you_fly_united_early_in_the_morning/
%
My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today

and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.” (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ra1z/my_boss_pulled_up_in_his_brand_new_bmw_today/
%
I like my girls like I like my Dumbledore

Head Masters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64r73u/i_like_my_girls_like_i_like_my_dumbledore/
%
4/5 doctors recommend united airlines

You can't beat that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64r63i/45_doctors_recommend_united_airlines/
%
A bestiality enthusiast, an arson, a sadist, a necrophile, and a masochist are right outside a psych ward when a cat passes by.

The beastialty enthusiast says "let's fuck the cat," the arsonist says, "let's fuck the cat, then burn it," the sadist says, "let's fuck the cat, burn the cat, then kill it," then the necrophile says, "let's fuck the cat, burn the cat, kill the cat, then fuck it again," and finally the masochist says, "MEOW!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64r4xp/a_bestiality_enthusiast_an_arson_a_sadist_a/
%
I heard President Trump is a really good COD player.

Apparently he can tomahawk from across the map on command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64r4qa/i_heard_president_trump_is_a_really_good_cod/
%
United Airlines will treat you like a King!

Rodney King, that is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64r4cw/united_airlines_will_treat_you_like_a_king/
%
Describe yourself in 1 word

not stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64r3p0/describe_yourself_in_1_word/
%
A man went to a hotel and was looking for a bj...

...He asked the hotel manager where he could find hookers in that area. She was an old lady with a wooden eye, so he wasn't sure if she would know but it was worth the shot. She said that she gave blowjobs and the man was so desperate at this point he just said sure why not. The lady walked him into a private hotel room and took her wooden eye out. She told him to take his pants of and so he did. She started to give him a blowjob with her eye socket. It was really weird but also the most pleasing thing he has ever done. When it was over the man started heading towards his car with the woman and he said I think I'll come back soon, she said "I'll keep an eye out for you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64r1y4/a_man_went_to_a_hotel_and_was_looking_for_a_bj/
%
A man gets a new bike

The man at the shop tells him to cover the seat in Vaseline if it rains to protect it. He then biked to his gf house to have dinner with her parents for the first time. He parks his bike outside and walks to the door. When he rings the door bell his gf quickly opens the door and he sees that there are thousands or dishes laid out all over the house. She steps outside and tell him "The first person to talk at dinner has to do ALL the dishes" so they go in he smiles at her parents and sits down for a full 5 course meal. After the soup and salad still no one has talked and he really doesn't want to have to do dishes so he clears a spot in the table in front of him and fucks his gf on the table right there. Right in front of her parents and everything. Still no one says a word. They then move in to the entree and still no one speaks. He then grabs his gfs mom and fucks her right on the table but still no one speaks. They move on to dessert and he notices it's starting to rain outside so he goes pulls out the Vaseline to put it on his bike seat. His gfs dad then speaks up and says "ok, enough I'll do the dishes."
Sorry for the formatting I did this on mobile and I know it's a repost but I haven't seen it for a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64qw3d/a_man_gets_a_new_bike/
%
I just got a repressed memory foam mattress.

It holds me just like my uncle used to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64qw2l/i_just_got_a_repressed_memory_foam_mattress/
%
If it requires three people to do a threesome then...

That's why people tell me I'm handsome...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64qur9/if_it_requires_three_people_to_do_a_threesome_then/
%
Never mary a tennis player...

Love means nothing to them,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64qtxu/never_mary_a_tennis_player/
%
What do you call a man having a seizure in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64qsxn/what_do_you_call_a_man_having_a_seizure_in_a_pile/
%
United Airlines just dropped a new song...

It's a big hit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64qpwl/united_airlines_just_dropped_a_new_song/
%
I asked my girlfriend if she'd like to tie the knot.

She said, "Do your own fucking shoelaces."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64qo94/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_shed_like_to_tie_the_knot/
%
I had an exam on delayed ejaculation.

I didn't finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64qo2y/i_had_an_exam_on_delayed_ejaculation/
%
UA at it again

If you can't beat them, join them.
-English saying
If you can't join them, beat them.
-United Airlines over booking policy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64qmgb/ua_at_it_again/
%
The CEOs of United Airlines and Cincinnati Zoo want to sit down in a bar with the bar owner.

They can't find a seat but there is a booth on a wall with 3 gentleman in it.
The CEO of United Airlines says "watch this", clicks his fingers and a couple of goons come in, and roughly pull the first gentleman out of the seat.
The CEO of Cincinnati Zoo says "that's nothing", clicks his fingers and a rifle shot is heard. The second, larger gentleman slumps forward and dies in his seat.
The bar owner says "haha, you guy are amateurs", clicks his fingers and the bar tender puts a sign up on the wall. The third gentleman leaves the bar along with every other patron.
The two CEOs look at the sign and read:
Proud business associates of Cincinnati Zoo and United Airlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64qlfq/the_ceos_of_united_airlines_and_cincinnati_zoo/
%
I was going to make a joke about the united airlines...

But someone already beat me to the punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ql4w/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_the_united/
%
What headphones does United Airlines use?

Beats by Dr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64qktq/what_headphones_does_united_airlines_use/
%
The First Rule of Fight Club...

... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64qhl5/the_first_rule_of_fight_club/
%
Have you seen that old Nick Cage movie about United Airlines?

Con Air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64qd0s/have_you_seen_that_old_nick_cage_movie_about/
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I think my work is boring and not challenging enough...

I think it's time to apply for a United Airlines Spokesperson position!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64q9te/i_think_my_work_is_boring_and_not_challenging/
%
My therapist said that I should do whatever I find enjoyable and calming.

Now there is blood everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64q9hu/my_therapist_said_that_i_should_do_whatever_i/
%
These United Airline jokes really need to stop

They're being dragged out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64q963/these_united_airline_jokes_really_need_to_stop/
%
I walked into a bookshop and said to the girl behind...

I walked into a bookshop and said to the girl behind the counter "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare."
"Which one?" She replied.
"William, you thick cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64q8s6/i_walked_into_a_bookshop_and_said_to_the_girl/
%
I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together.

OMg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64q5zx/i_heard_that_oxygen_and_magnesium_got_together/
%
If anyone ever asks you to spell “part” backwards don’t do it…

It’s a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64q4yw/if_anyone_ever_asks_you_to_spell_part_backwards/
%
I just booked some cheap seats from United.

They were in the nosebleed section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64q4sz/i_just_booked_some_cheap_seats_from_united/
%
There was a race to see what company's​ planes flew fastest

United Airlines beat everyone...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64q0vl/there_was_a_race_to_see_what_companys_planes_flew/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64pyna/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
Never Be Dishonest With Smart Women

Man on telephone talking to his wife: "Dear, I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my manager for seven days. I think that this is a positive and great opportunity for me to get that promotion finally.
So honey, will you be able to please pack enough clothes for seven days, my toiletry bag and set out my rod and fishing box. We’re leaving from office and I’ll swing by the house to pick up my things.
Oh, and please pack my new blue silk night wear. See you at home."
The wife thought that this sound a little bit fishy, but being a decent wife she did precisely as her husband told her.
The next weekend, he got back home little exhausted and tired but, however looking pretty much fine. The wife greeted him and asked whether he caught many fish?
He said “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill and a couple Swordfish. Be that as it may, why didn’t u pack my blue silk night wear?”
She said, “I did. They’re in your fishing box”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64pxnh/never_be_dishonest_with_smart_women/
%
I like to help blind people.

The verb, not the noun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64pw0o/i_like_to_help_blind_people/
%
A boy is visiting his girlfriend for the first time...

After the meal, he suddenly feels an urge to fart. Silently but audibly, he leaves a drive.
Then the father says to the dog: ''Rex!''
'Phew,' the boy thinks, 'the old man thinks it was the dog', and leaves another one. ''Rex!''
The father calls. Then the boy lets another one out, but this time with a loud noise.
''Rex!'' The father says, ''Go away, before this guy shits on your head !!!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64pvrx/a_boy_is_visiting_his_girlfriend_for_the_first/
%
Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64psav/breaking_news_in_a_press_media_briefing_united/
%
What's a United joke you haven't heard yet?

Manchester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64prww/whats_a_united_joke_you_havent_heard_yet/
%
Success is like being pregnant,...

Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were fucked before you got there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64pq59/success_is_like_being_pregnant/
%
Longneck!

A guy walks into the bar with his giraffe and they order a drink. They drink for a while but realize it's almost closing time and they start to do shots. The bartender is a bit worried and finally says okay guys last call. So the man says give us two doubles. He tips generously so the bartender pours them both a double shot. The giraffe drinks his stumbles and falls over dead, the man drinks his and walks towards the door. The bartender yells HEY BUDDY YOU CAN'T LEAVE THAT LYIN' THERE! The man says that's not a lion it's a giraffe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64podd/longneck/
%
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64pmpq/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archaeologist/
%
Queue is just Q followed by 4 silent letters...

... They're not silent. They're waiting for their turn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64pi6h/queue_is_just_q_followed_by_4_silent_letters/
%
So what happened to the doctor?

Good news, he made it to his hospital.
Bad news, he was the patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64pgse/so_what_happened_to_the_doctor/
%
That Doctor nearly made it into the Mile High Club...

...but getting beaten off doesn't count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64pfnl/that_doctor_nearly_made_it_into_the_mile_high_club/
%
Crayons are just like M&Ms....

They taste the same no matter what colour they are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64p87c/crayons_are_just_like_mms/
%
What kind of letter does a feminist send?

Hate male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64p64k/what_kind_of_letter_does_a_feminist_send/
%
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wun?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller      :No, I want speak to Annie Wun!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me.Who is this?
Caller     : I'm Sam Wun. And I need to talk to Annie Wun! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's the urgent    matter about?
Caller     : Well...just tell my sister Annie Wun that our brother Noe Wun was involved in an       accident. Noe Wun was injured and now Noe Wun is being sent to the hospital. Right now, my father, Avery Wun is one his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller     : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller      : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64p5yp/caller_hello_can_i_speak_to_annie_wun/
%
What's the best way to be funny on Reddit?

Ctrl+C,Ctrl+V

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64p4u7/whats_the_best_way_to_be_funny_on_reddit/
%
As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she said, "This is wrong."

"Question 2 ?" I asked.
"No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64p3jn/as_the_teacher_marked_my_quiz_answers_she_said/
%
I wasnt gonna make any United jokes...

But my best friend dragged them out of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64p2v0/i_wasnt_gonna_make_any_united_jokes/
%
What's the best job?

Any job that involves operating a crane. It's seriously uplifting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64p28b/whats_the_best_job/
%
A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."
Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."
Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."
Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64oy63/a_5_year_old_boy_was_in_kidney_failure/
%
The entire United Airlines incident could've been avoided...

if someone had offered a Pepsi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ow8u/the_entire_united_airlines_incident_couldve_been/
%
Parents save more by not vaccinating their children

Baby coffins aren't that expensive compared to the costs of raising a child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ouy3/parents_save_more_by_not_vaccinating_their/
%
My neighbor knocked on my door at 3:00 AM! Can you believe that, 3 AM!?

Lucky for him, I was still up playing my bongos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ou4v/my_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_at_300_am_can_you/
%
So when I was 15 I walked in on my parents having sex.

It was the most awkward 45 minutes of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64oqkr/so_when_i_was_15_i_walked_in_on_my_parents_having/
%
An Honest Mistake

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."
(Sorry if it's a repost. I got this from another forum and found it utterly funny!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64opny/an_honest_mistake/
%
In order for United Airlines to keep their business...

They're really gonna have to have unbeatable prices!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64op0d/in_order_for_united_airlines_to_keep_their/
%
A kid named Arthur is hired...

at a supermarket. He preferred Artie, so that was put on his name tag. He was a pretty good worker, but he had a short temper.
Artie is bagging an order for a rich older couple and offers to take it to their car. They accept, and he pushes the cart out. He loads the bags into their trunk, and wishes them a nice day. They thank him and hold out a dollar bill.
Artie reaches for it. Right before his fingers reach it, the man snatches it away and laughs. He holds it out again. Artie tries to grab it and the guy snatches it away and holds it up in the air just out of reach. After a few jumps, Artie gives up, eyes burning with frustrated tears. The man grins and promises to let it go this time. Artie reaches for the dollar and the man drops it to the ground, and a gust of wind whips it away. Seeing red, Artie grabs the guy around the throat and tries to strangle him. The wife screams so Artie drops the barely conscious husband and grabs the wife and throttles her too. The police got called. The next day, the story is printed in the newspaper.
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT PUBLIX"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64on7y/a_kid_named_arthur_is_hired/
%
American airlines, Delta Air Lines, and United Airlines all had a race...

United Airlines beat them all, united airlines beats EVERYBODY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64om45/american_airlines_delta_air_lines_and_united/
%
The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64oinr/the_front_page_is_filled_with_memes_in_reference/
%
What is the law that requires cabbage to be shredded and covered in a vinaigrette?

Cole's Law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ohad/what_is_the_law_that_requires_cabbage_to_be/
%
The friendly elephant

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64oexc/the_friendly_elephant/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ocq8/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
It was going to cost me $700 to put down my dog

So I booked a United flight instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64oc6j/it_was_going_to_cost_me_700_to_put_down_my_dog/
%
I bought bird seed today.

Can anyone tell me how long it takes for the birds to grow once I plant them?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64oa3l/i_bought_bird_seed_today/
%
What is the difference between a clever midget and a woman jogger?

One is a cunning runt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64o93a/what_is_the_difference_between_a_clever_midget/
%
The CEOs of United Airlines and Cincinnati Zoo want to sit down in a bar with the bar owner.

They can't find a seat but there is a booth on a wall with 3 gentleman in it.
The CEO of United Airlines says "watch this", clicks his fingers and a couple of goons come in, and roughly pull the first gentleman out of the seat.
The CEO of Cincinnati Zoo says "that's nothing", clicks his fingers and a rifle shot is heard. The second, larger gentleman slumps forward and dies in his seat.
The bar owner says "haha, you guy are amateurs", clicks his fingers and the bar tender puts a sign up on the wall. The third gentleman leaves the bar along with every other patron.
The two CEOs look at the sign and read:
Proud business associates with Cincinnati Zoo and United Airlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64o8s6/the_ceos_of_united_airlines_and_cincinnati_zoo/
%
For my next joke

..I need a volunteer, preferably a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64o8fo/for_my_next_joke/
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What's the best way to be funny on Reddit?

Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64o8aj/whats_the_best_way_to_be_funny_on_reddit/
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A dude is sitting in a public restroom stall, groaning and suffering from constipation...

when he hears another dude rush into another stall, followed by some very loud unloading.
"I'm so jealous of you" said the first dude. The other dude answers,
"Fuck you I haven't pulled down my pants yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64o82o/a_dude_is_sitting_in_a_public_restroom_stall/
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United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business...

...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64nwtm/united_airlines_should_get_into_the_rail/
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Bugs Bunny at the airport

"Eh, what's up Doc?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64nw1b/bugs_bunny_at_the_airport/
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April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ntyr/april_showers_bring_may_flowers_but_what_do_may/
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Once there was a friar named John

John was a simple man who only wanted to plant flowers. But most people did not care about John's flowers. They would step on them, ride horses over them, and do many other horrible things to poor John's flowers. One day, a child let his dog relieve himself in the flowers, and that was the final straw for John.
John began to breed his flowers for a new purpose. He made a flower that when sniffed, would kill whoever sniffed it. He began to offer it to people who destroyed his precious flowers. They would take a sniff, and within a few moments, they would be dead. John would then use the bodies as fertilizer.
The lord of the town began to worry, as many of his subjects were disappearing. He sent out his best knight to find the source. The knight searched high and low. Eventually he wound up at the friar's house. He knocked on the door and asked John whether he had seen anyone who might be killing the townsfolk.
"Ah, good sir knight," said John, "I am but a simple friar, and I only wish to attend to my flowers. Pray tell, wouldst thou perchance wish to smell them?" The knight, not knowing any better, took a sniff of the flower and died.
The lord began to worry even more, as his knight had not returned. So he sent out his constable. The constable searched high and low, and eventually he too wound up at the friar's house. He knocked on the door and asked John whether he had seen the knight anywhere.
"Ah, good sir constable," said John, "I am but a simple friar, and I only wish to attend to my flowers. Pray tell, wouldst thou perchance wish to smell them?" The constable, not knowing any better, took a sniff of the flower and died.
The lord was fraught with worry. He screamed, "Is there no one who can rid me of this curse?!" A young man stepped forward and offered to find the knight and the constable. The lord accepted and offered him a great reward if he was successful.  Eventually, the young man also arrived at the friar's house. He knocked on the door and asked John whether he had seen the knight or the constable anywhere.
"Ah, sirrah," said John, "I am but a simple friar, and I only wish to attend to my flowers. Pray tell, wouldst thou perchance wish to smell them?" But the young man suddenly drew a dagger and killed the friar. He found the knight and the constable buried in the garden and dragged all three corpses back to the lord.
The lord was astounded. "How did you know he was the murderer?" He asked. The young man replied, "The girl I was supposed to marry bought a flower one day, and she died soon after. I could only assume the flower had killed her. I then deduced it must be the friar." The lord heaped praises upon him and gave him a great reward. He then asked the young man his name. "Hugh," the man replied.
What is the moral of this story?
Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64nsao/once_there_was_a_friar_named_john/
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Describe yourself in 3 words

1. Lazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64nqg8/describe_yourself_in_3_words/
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On the bright side of this United Airlines ordeal.

At least they won't have any more problems with overbooking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64nlk5/on_the_bright_side_of_this_united_airlines_ordeal/
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Can someone please explain these plane jokes to me?

They're flying over my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64nipq/can_someone_please_explain_these_plane_jokes_to_me/
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Authorities have released the name of the United passenger from yesterday's incident

Soo Yoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ncp7/authorities_have_released_the_name_of_the_united/
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A king goes to war

A king had to go away on the crusades, but his wife was so beautiful that he wasn't sure he could trust his eleven young male servants. So he went to a blacksmith and asked him for the strongest chastity belt in the place. The man brought out a strong belt with a hole in the center. The king was skeptical until the blacksmith said, "Here, put this broomstick in the hole." The king complied, and the broomstick was chopped off. The monarch happily took the belt, put it on his wife, and headed off to the holy wars.
Ten years later he returned and lined up all his servants to inspect their private parts. Ten of them were now eunuchs. But the king was delighted to see that the eleventh was intact. He put his arm around this faithful follower and asked, "What can I do to thank you?"
"Ahahaghagha," the servant answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64nbc3/a_king_goes_to_war/
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"Help! Is there a Doctor on this flight?"

"Uh. Shit. Not anymore..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64nbah/help_is_there_a_doctor_on_this_flight/
%
A French, British, and Saudi wives are swept by the feminist movement.

All three agree to protest by not doing any work at home and teach their husbands a lesson, hoping that they will gain more respect and appreciation.
After one week they meet up and share their results:
The French wife says "I told him i'm not going to cook this entire week. The first day i didn't see anything. The second day i didn't see anything. The third day he started cooking and made some fancy meals"
The British wife says "I told him i'm not going to be cleaning this entire week. The first day i didn't see anything. The second day i didn't see anything. The third day he started washing and cleaning. The house was spotless."
The Saudi wife says "I told him i won't be doing anything around the house this entire week. The first day i didn't see anything. The second day i didn't see anything. The third day i started to see a little bit with my left eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64nayo/a_french_british_and_saudi_wives_are_swept_by_the/
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I only drink on two occasions a year

When it's my brithday and when it's not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64n9qc/i_only_drink_on_two_occasions_a_year/
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A man went to the United Airlines counter

. The ticket agent asked, “Sir, do you have reservations?”
He replied, “Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I’m flying anyway.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64n9ot/a_man_went_to_the_united_airlines_counter/
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Why was 1 afraid of 4?

United Airlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64n9fc/why_was_1_afraid_of_4/
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Why are you flying with United Airlines?

Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64n8oc/why_are_you_flying_with_united_airlines/
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"Its ok to hit a man with glasses."

- United Airlines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64n4j2/its_ok_to_hit_a_man_with_glasses/
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An Irishman's first drink with his son.

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's.
He didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager.
He didn't.
I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's.
Nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland 's finest.
He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I could hardly push his stroller back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64n3za/an_irishmans_first_drink_with_his_son/
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OMG! Is anybody a doctor on this plane?!

*BAM BAM!!! BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!!!*
...anyone else?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64n0k2/omg_is_anybody_a_doctor_on_this_plane/
%
Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop.

"What should we do?" My mom asked.
"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64mzc2/last_night_my_parents_found_sm_videos_on_my_laptop/
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A drug dealer, a gang member, and a journalist walk into a bar...

The bartender, a keen man, looked at the drug dealer, who was decked out in fancy clothing and expensive jewelry. He did not look educated, though, so the bartender said to him "You. You are a drug dealer."
"Yes," said the man, "how did you know?"
Ignoring the man's question, the bartender said "You are a bad man who profits off of other people's addictions. You do not make the world a better place -- quite the opposite. I cannot have you in my bar."
"Whoa, whoa," said the drug dealer, "hear me out. I deal cocaine. Most of my customers are wealthy bankers. I profit from their addictions, yes, but they don't deserve anything better. I take the wealthy down a notch. I do make the world a better place."
The bartender thought for a moment, then said "Very well, you may stay." As the drug dealer sat at the bar, the bartender noticed the gang member, who was wearing a crooked hat and baggy jeans. "You," said the bartender, pointing at him "are part of a gang. You kill and frighten people. You do not make the world a better place. I cannot have you in my bar."
The gang member, following the drug dealer's lead, said "Hold up a minute. Check this out. I may be part of a gang, but I protect my neighborhood from crooked cops and other gangs who want to hurt people. I do make the world a better place."
"Very well," said the bartender, "You may stay." The gang member took his seat at the bar. The bartender turned to the journalist, who was dressed formally and had a badge hanging on his chest. "You," said the bartender, "I know who you are, and I know what you do. Don't even bother trying to defend yourself. You are the scum of the earth. I can't stand the sight of you. Leave this bar and never come back."
The journalist, surprised, said "What? How do you even know who --" but stopped, realizing his name badge rested on his chest. "I see," he said, before turning and leaving.
As he was leaving the bar, a curious spectator leaned forward and looked at the badge on the man's chest. "Oh," said the spectator before going back to his drink.
On the badge, written in comic sans, were the words "'Journalist' - Buzzfeed.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64my9u/a_drug_dealer_a_gang_member_and_a_journalist_walk/
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Wanna hear a funny word?

Re-accommodate. lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64mxki/wanna_hear_a_funny_word/
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What do you call an atheist church?

A non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64muao/what_do_you_call_an_atheist_church/
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My friend said he hated grapefruit with a passion.

I asked him if he also hates passion fruit with a grape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64mtkh/my_friend_said_he_hated_grapefruit_with_a_passion/
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My graphing calculator works really well...

Some would say it functions perfectly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64mrzb/my_graphing_calculator_works_really_well/
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What did the redneck say to his girlfriend today?

Happy National Siblings Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64mqhu/what_did_the_redneck_say_to_his_girlfriend_today/
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A man is watching the news.

All of a sudden, he sees an alert saying that there is a car driving the completely wrong way on I-84. Shocked by this, he goes to call his mom, who was planning to come go his house later that night, via I-84.
"Mom, be very careful out there, there is a car driving backwards on I-84."
She responds, "I know! There's hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64mnj0/a_man_is_watching_the_news/
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I really regret becoming a vegetarian

It was a big missed steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64mgr9/i_really_regret_becoming_a_vegetarian/
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A guy walks into a shady bar on 'ladies night',

He goes over to a group of questionable women and proclaims, "DAMN, I must be in the Matrix!"
One of the more questionable women responds, "What makes you say that?"
The guy replies, "Because all I see are 1's and 0's!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64mei9/a_guy_walks_into_a_shady_bar_on_ladies_night/
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eeny, meeny, kanye, flo

you come to a fork in the road.  the path to the left sports a sign guaranteeing a gruesome end to all trespassers.  the one to the right looks clear, except for a skinny guy with a hat who freestyles rhyming insults at you.  do you risk certain doom… or chance the rapper?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64md1y/eeny_meeny_kanye_flo/
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A girl went to her boyfriend's house...

...and they were gonna have sex, but the guy's little brother was home.
"Alright," said the guy. "I share a bunk bed with my little brother and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we're gonna have to make a code. Cheese means harder and tomato means faster, alright?"
"Ok," said the girl.
So they have sex, and the girl shouts
"CHEESE CHEESE TOMATO CHEESE!"
to which the little brother says
"Stop it! You're getting mayo all over the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64mbbf/a_girl_went_to_her_boyfriends_house/
%
I just busted my kid with some weed and I'm mad as hell...

I've been driving clear across town to get mine and I could have been getting it here the whole time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64m9ol/i_just_busted_my_kid_with_some_weed_and_im_mad_as/
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I booked an airline ticket with United Airlines

It was a drag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64m92a/i_booked_an_airline_ticket_with_united_airlines/
%
So after getting kicked off of a flight

A man goes to an airport bar in Chicago and noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant.
But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Nope, not Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Southwest slogan, "Low fares, nothing to hide?"
This time the woman savagely turned on him, "What the fuck do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said.... "Ahhh, United Airlines!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64m745/so_after_getting_kicked_off_of_a_flight/
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What is a mathematician's favourite fruit?

A π-neapple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64m6ay/what_is_a_mathematicians_favourite_fruit/
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I swore at a nun the other day...

She hit me with her ruler,
It was a measured response.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64m2zy/i_swore_at_a_nun_the_other_day/
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Plan B

My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow.
I said, "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?"
"What, in case I shit myself?" She replied.
"No." I said, "In case your main chute doesn't fucking open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64m2i5/plan_b/
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Why is it called the circle of life?

Because it is pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64m12r/why_is_it_called_the_circle_of_life/
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How does Mr Miyagi like to relax?

He wax off....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64lxw4/how_does_mr_miyagi_like_to_relax/
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Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket
-Dan Regan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64lv0k/things_that_will_get_you_kicked_off_an_united/
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I renamed my C: "Dat Ass"

Just so windows would periodically ask me if I want to back Dat Ass up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ltzp/i_renamed_my_c_dat_ass/
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I auditioned to be on "The Biggest Loser"...

They told me "you win"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ls9q/i_auditioned_to_be_on_the_biggest_loser/
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What's the best way to be funny on Reddit?

Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64lp08/whats_the_best_way_to_be_funny_on_reddit/
%
Say no to drugs

Dad: You should always say no to drugs.
Son: Okay.
Dad: Let's practice. Do you want this drug?
Son: No, two drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64lnp4/say_no_to_drugs/
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Hillbilly Stripper

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ln3d/hillbilly_stripper/
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A dog walks into a bar...

Bartender nods and says, "Hey dog, haven't seen you in a while, how are things going?"
Dog looks at him sadly and replies, "Ruff."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64li3v/a_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
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Was going to do United Airlines joke

But everyone already United Airlined me to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64lhhr/was_going_to_do_united_airlines_joke/
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Did you hear that United Airlines just updated their motto?

"United Airlines: Beating our competition, AND our passengers, since 1926!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64le5n/did_you_hear_that_united_airlines_just_updated/
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Two women are discussing their sex lives

Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."
Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."
"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64lbh1/two_women_are_discussing_their_sex_lives/
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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64l774/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
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Every time it rains I find my wife standing at the window, looking kind of sad.

Maybe I should let her inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64l6gl/every_time_it_rains_i_find_my_wife_standing_at/
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Why is Robert Palmer bad at tennis?

He's addicted to love

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64kw0w/why_is_robert_palmer_bad_at_tennis/
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A guy sitting at a bar in Chicago O'Hare

A guy sitting at a bar in Chicago O'hare noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant.
But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Nope, not Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Southwest slogan, "Low fares, nothing to hide?"
This time the woman savagely turned on him, "What the fuck do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said.... "Ahhh, United Airlines!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64kt8b/a_guy_sitting_at_a_bar_in_chicago_ohare/
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Little Johnny is bad at math

Little Johnny has always been bad at math, never willing to study or apply himself. His parents never beat him, they did however move him from school to school hoping he would improve. Finally out of desperation, they took him to an all Catholic school.
Within one week little Johnny improved. He would go upstairs every night after dinner and study his books, math especially. By the time his first report card came his mother was burning with curiosity and sat him down for a chat. His mother said, "Johnny we have tried everything to get your grades up, we are very proud, but what on earth finally made you improve in math?"
Little Johnny looked at his mother and said, "Well, the teachers are dressed funny, but when I saw the little man nailed to the plus sign I knew they weren't fucking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64kn9b/little_johnny_is_bad_at_math/
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How does a pig write an essay?

With a pen and oink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64kmti/how_does_a_pig_write_an_essay/
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Why don't couples go to the gym together?

Because relationships don't work out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64kkwn/why_dont_couples_go_to_the_gym_together/
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Struck off after one minor indiscretion.

Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64kkbj/struck_off_after_one_minor_indiscretion/
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Bathroom humour is not my favorite type of humour...

but it's a solid #2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64kk5k/bathroom_humour_is_not_my_favorite_type_of_humour/
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Today I donated my watch, phone and $500 to a poor guy

You don't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64kjyy/today_i_donated_my_watch_phone_and_500_to_a_poor/
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A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk.

Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"
"No," says the woman. "Up to my tits will be fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64kjpk/a_milkman_gets_an_order_for_45_pints_of_milk/
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Why do adolescent white girls travel in 3's?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64kg5i/why_do_adolescent_white_girls_travel_in_3s/
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His & Her Diary

Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Motorcycle won’t start…can't figure out why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64k8t6/his_her_diary/
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The Young Candidate

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64k2uc/the_young_candidate/
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A word of thanks

I'd like to thank my eyes for showing me the light...
I'd like to thank my legs, for always supporting me...
And lastly, I'd like to thank my spine, for always having my back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64jzhf/a_word_of_thanks/
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I tried to buy a phone at the store the other day, but wasn't able to

Turns out it was a cellphone, not a buy phone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64jsu3/i_tried_to_buy_a_phone_at_the_store_the_other_day/
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At the job interview

Interviewer: I see here that you had a five-year gap between jobs. Can you please explain it?
Me: Oh that's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That is very impressive. You can start tomorrow.
Me: Yay, I got a yob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64jqj8/at_the_job_interview/
%
What did general Custer and Assad both say to their men?

WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THESE TOMAHAWKS COME FROM??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64jppd/what_did_general_custer_and_assad_both_say_to/
%
What borders obesity?

Mexico and Canada

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64jogp/what_borders_obesity/
%
Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64jna1/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_america/
%
These new editions of dictionaries are frustrating

Picked up a new copy and flipped through it to find a word I knew disappeared.
The next thing I found was disappointing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64jlp2/these_new_editions_of_dictionaries_are_frustrating/
%
Once in a bar, one guy says to another... "I slept with your mom last night."

The whole bar falls dead silent waiting for the second man's come back. After a while, he laughs and says... "let's go home, dad. You're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64jjrc/once_in_a_bar_one_guy_says_to_another_i_slept/
%
I was thinking about buying a blindfold, but decided not to

I just couldn't see myself wearing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64jiqz/i_was_thinking_about_buying_a_blindfold_but/
%
What's the difference between a mattress and a highway?

A baby will cry for hours if you throw it on a mattress but it stops crying pretty quickly if you throw it on a highway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64jime/whats_the_difference_between_a_mattress_and_a/
%
What's yellow and up in the sky?

An Asian that stepped on a land mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ji9s/whats_yellow_and_up_in_the_sky/
%
Never swallow scrabble tiles...

That shit could spell disaster!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64jg92/never_swallow_scrabble_tiles/
%
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a buck fifty and deer nuts are always under a buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64jg0w/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
How can you tell if someone has heard the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise?

Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64japi/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_has_heard_the_tragedy/
%
There's no I in team.

There's no u either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64j9ay/theres_no_i_in_team/
%
I won my first cage match last night...

The parrot never knew what hit it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64j7k7/i_won_my_first_cage_match_last_night/
%
There's a cool hidden feature on Tinder

Keep on swiping right and girls get fatter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64j6bo/theres_a_cool_hidden_feature_on_tinder/
%
Bigfoot's country

3 scientists, one from Greenland, one from Canada and one from America, are discussing where Bigfoot lives.
Greenland: He obviously lives in my land of Greenland, as we have enough space and the right climate for him.
Canada: No, he must live in Canada. We have the perfect amount of forest, and we have ample food supplies.
America: You're both wrong. There are lots  in America.
G&C: What do you mean?
America: You know, big hairy guys who shit in the woods? Plenty of them in America.
Edited as per requested!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64j1it/bigfoots_country/
%
So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64j1g8/so_i_told_my_wife_shed_look_sexier_with_her_hair/
%
I told my wife we could either have sex or go and a new movie...

She said she was on her period and the new movie was sold out.
But she pulled some strings and got me in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64izem/i_told_my_wife_we_could_either_have_sex_or_go_and/
%
Passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder

The driver shits himself, swerves and narrowly misses a bus, stopping inches from a shop window.
"Fuck me, you're jumpy aren't you?  I only tapped your shoulder."
"Sorry," said the cabbie, "It's my first day.  I've been driving a fuckin hearse for the last 20 years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64iz0e/passenger_taps_his_taxi_driver_on_the_shoulder/
%
What did the midget say to the gorgeous woman on a crowded elevator?

Your hair smells nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ixih/what_did_the_midget_say_to_the_gorgeous_woman_on/
%
I was browsing Reddit at work the other day when my boss came by my computer

It's okay though, I work at Buzzfeed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64iwhz/i_was_browsing_reddit_at_work_the_other_day_when/
%
What do Chinese food and entropy calculations have in common?

they both feature some dim sums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64iw6d/what_do_chinese_food_and_entropy_calculations/
%
Absolutely devastated.

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ivze/absolutely_devastated/
%
What do penises and posts in r/jokes have in common?

They're both often mislabeled as "long"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64isx0/what_do_penises_and_posts_in_rjokes_have_in_common/
%
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny

Judge: What?
Lawyer: He's in a cent
Judge: You're going to jail with him
^^^^Totally ^^^^my ^^^^own ^^^^work ^^^^and ^^^^not ^^^^a ^^^^repost ^^^^by ^^^^any ^^^^mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64is5i/lawyer_my_client_is_trapped_inside_a_penny/
%
My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...

it's like I've never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64irhz/my_friend_really_changed_when_she_became_a/
%
How do you stop a gambling addict from gambling?

Make a bet. They won't refuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64irbz/how_do_you_stop_a_gambling_addict_from_gambling/
%
A Teacher

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64iq9c/a_teacher/
%
Kylo Ren: I've always hated being an only child

Han: You're not an only child. You're a Solo child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64io0x/kylo_ren_ive_always_hated_being_an_only_child/
%
Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ihp3/somebody_just_threw_a_load_of_omega_3_pills_at_me/
%
After sexy time, the man receives a text message. The woman asks "Who's texting?"

He replies "My wife. She says she's at the movies with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64idbd/after_sexy_time_the_man_receives_a_text_message/
%
A rabbit walks into a bar on Monday

And asks the bartender if he any carrot juice. Bartender says no. Tuesday comes and the rabbit walks into the same bar and asks the bartender if he has any carrot juice. Bartender says no. Same thing happens every day of the week. On Sunday, the rabbit walks into the bar. The bartender goes "If you ask me again if I have carrot juice I'll nail your ears to the counter!". The rabbit asks "Do you have any nails?". "No" the bartender replies. "Then, do you have any carrot juice?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ic08/a_rabbit_walks_into_a_bar_on_monday/
%
I found a lion in my wardrobe and I asked him what he was doing there.

He said "Narnia business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ibzz/i_found_a_lion_in_my_wardrobe_and_i_asked_him/
%
What borders stupidity?

Mexico & Canada
Edit 2: Ayy nice flair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64i6f6/what_borders_stupidity/
%
I want a footlong with teriyaki chicken and onions.

Woops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64i0l6/i_want_a_footlong_with_teriyaki_chicken_and_onions/
%
Why can't you hear a pneumonia patient urinating?

Because 'P' is silent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64hytf/why_cant_you_hear_a_pneumonia_patient_urinating/
%
What do you call a gassy russian?

Vladimir Tootin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64hvox/what_do_you_call_a_gassy_russian/
%
What do you get when you combine a gay man and a Jew?

A hit Broadway musical

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64hv7r/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_a_gay_man_and_a/
%
What do you call a dyslexic small town spinster who takes justice into her own hands?

A Village-Auntie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64hrdx/what_do_you_call_a_dyslexic_small_town_spinster/
%
What is a 6.9

Another amazing thing ruined by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64hqgf/what_is_a_69/
%
I was asked how I view lesbian relationships...

Apparently in HD is the wrong answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64hpwa/i_was_asked_how_i_view_lesbian_relationships/
%
The worst part about being bit by a poisonous spider is...

...that you're probably Australian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64hmls/the_worst_part_about_being_bit_by_a_poisonous/
%
A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.
The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64hmgb/a_bank_robbers_mask_falls_off_midheist/
%
What do you get if you spell man backwards?

Flashbacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64hjy1/what_do_you_get_if_you_spell_man_backwards/
%
Success is...

At age 4 success is not peeing your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a driver's license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64hir3/success_is/
%
A famous psychic does a show in town claiming to be able to tell anything about anyone after only looking at them.

Towards the end of a successful show he does his finishing bit.
"And now ladies and gentleman, by simply looking at your faces, I will be able to tell how often you had sex."
The psychic looks around and sees a sad man.
"You sir look like you only have sex once a month."
"Wow! You're right." Said the man.
The psychic continues scanning and sees a man with a smile.
"You sir look like a man that has sex every week."
"Wow this whole time I thought this show was fake but Im amazed. You are correct."
The psychic than notices a man with a huge smile on his face.
"Ah you sir look like a man that has sex everyday!"
"Nope." replies the man
Slightly shocked, the psychic regains his composure
"My mistake sir, you seem you are a man that has sex every week."
"Nope."
"every month?"
"Getting warmer."
"Once a year?"
"Thats correct." Answered the man?
"How can you have such a big smile when you only have sex one a year?"
"Tonights the night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64hfms/a_famous_psychic_does_a_show_in_town_claiming_to/
%
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

It must be some kind of milestone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64hei5/i_found_a_rock_yesterday_which_measured_1760/
%
Hey baby, did you drop from heaven?

Because it looks like you fell face first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64hblw/hey_baby_did_you_drop_from_heaven/
%
Why did the farmer have to supplement his income by DJing at night?

because his Beets were sick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ha4v/why_did_the_farmer_have_to_supplement_his_income/
%
What did the cell say when another cell stepped on his feet?

"Ouch! Mitosis!"
I'm so sorry you read this corny ass joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64h7y9/what_did_the_cell_say_when_another_cell_stepped/
%
Sex while camping..

..is fucking intents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64h5gy/sex_while_camping/
%
All jokes Assad

things are getting Syrias

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64h38k/all_jokes_assad/
%
What's the first ingredient in a push up bra?

Start with two cups of lies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64gx8y/whats_the_first_ingredient_in_a_push_up_bra/
%
Where do animals go after their tails fall off?

A retail store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64gu02/where_do_animals_go_after_their_tails_fall_off/
%
What did the left leg say to the right leg?

"Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's a dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64gtqu/what_did_the_left_leg_say_to_the_right_leg/
%
What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?

Lawsuits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64gsno/what_kind_of_clothes_do_lawyers_wear/
%
What do you call a robot doctor that performs sex change operations?

A trans-former.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64gsb5/what_do_you_call_a_robot_doctor_that_performs_sex/
%
What did Trump say to the missile?

You're fired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64gqnn/what_did_trump_say_to_the_missile/
%
A German man is leaving a plane after landing in Poland.

The immigration officer asks him
"Occupation?" And the German man replies
"No just visiting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64go8u/a_german_man_is_leaving_a_plane_after_landing_in/
%
My girlfriend started smoking

So I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64go7o/my_girlfriend_started_smoking/
%
A guy walks into a bar

And asks the bartender for a drink. While he sits there he notices a jar full of money on the bar. Next to the jar is a sign that reads, "complete the challenge win the jar." the guy asks the bartender about the challenge. The bartender explains there are three parts that must be completed. First: Down a gallon of tequila straight in under five minutes. Second: A rabid bulldog out back has a terrible tooth and ache and the tooth has to be pulled. Third: Have sex with the 99 year old grandma who lives upstairs . The guy thinks it over and he accepts the challenge. He downs the tequila in no time. Then he staggers out back and everyone in the bar hears an awful commotion. Then silence. The guy stumbles back in the door his clothes torn to sheds. He yells, "Now! Where's that bulldog with the toothache?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64gmem/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Lawyer: "My client is trapped inside a penny."

Judge: "I beg your pardon?"
Lawyer: "He's in a cent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64gma5/lawyer_my_client_is_trapped_inside_a_penny/
%
A man went to the Police Station

wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64glxc/a_man_went_to_the_police_station/
%
What do you call a Zebra who joined a fraternity?

A Zebro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ghve/what_do_you_call_a_zebra_who_joined_a_fraternity/
%
I don't waste my hate on people. I only hate objects.

Good thing my ex is a tool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ghva/i_dont_waste_my_hate_on_people_i_only_hate_objects/
%
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walking.
JK,
Rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64geg4/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
I just saw my parents having sex..

I am never gonna visit that porn site again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64gdle/i_just_saw_my_parents_having_sex/
%
I saw a stranger in an alley

, and decided to give him $2000.
You should have seen the smile on my face when he put his gun away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64gdbg/i_saw_a_stranger_in_an_alley/
%
Where can the most desperate men find dates?

In the grocery store, next to the raisins. <.<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64gbi3/where_can_the_most_desperate_men_find_dates/
%
What do pigs use when they get itchy?

Oinkment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64gbhc/what_do_pigs_use_when_they_get_itchy/
%
Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64gb8u/just_found_the_absolute_worst_page_in_the/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom?

Because the "P" is silent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64gafo/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_use_the_restroom/
%
A psychologist has a party for all of her patients

She instructs everyone to come dressed as an emotion. As the party begins, she sees her first patient come in dressed in all red. The psychologist asks her "what are dressed as" and the patient replies "I'm dressed as anger and rage." The next patient comes in and is dressed in all blue. The psychologist ask what he is dressed as and he tells her "I'm dressed as sorrow". Next patient comes in dressed in yellow. The psychologist says "what are you dressed as?" She responds "I'm dressed as happiness and delight". Then she sees her black patient Leroy come into the party, completely naked with a pear on the end of his dick. The psychologist goes up to him and says "Leroy, you are at my party completely naked with a pear on your penis. What on earth are you doing?" And Leroy says "what do you mean what am I doing? You told me to come to this party dressed as an emotion and I am." The psychologist in disbelieve says "what emotion could you possibly be???" He tells her "I'm deeply in dis pear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64g9u6/a_psychologist_has_a_party_for_all_of_her_patients/
%
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?

A loose Canon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64g7ea/what_do_you_call_an_unpredictable_out_of_control/
%
Airplane Crash

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64g4tq/airplane_crash/
%
How to get two black eyes in church

Today, my aunt’s father passed away, after a long life and leaving behind a great family. He was a very funny man, and told me one of my favorite jokes of all time. I’m going to post that joke here; stay to the end, it’s worth it. RIP, Marcel.
A man walks into his neighborhood bar and sits down. The bartender comes over and says, “John, what happened to you? You have a black eye!”
John replied, “It was the craziest thing. I was in church yesterday, and the priest asks us all to stand. When we do, I notice that the woman in the pew in front of me is wearing a sundress, and she has a pretty bad wedgie. I thought, that can’t be comfortable, so I reached down and pulled it out for her, and she turned around and hit me! Can you believe that?” The bartender just shakes his head and walks away.
The following Monday, John comes back into the bar. The bartender exclaims, “John, what happened now? Your other eye is black!”
John shakes his head… “I’ll never understand women. I’m back in church yesterday, and the priest asks us all to stand. When I stand up, the same woman is in the pew in front of me, again wearing a sundress. I looked down, and this time, she doesn’t have a wedgie… but I know she doesn’t like it that way, so I pushed it back in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64g3zt/how_to_get_two_black_eyes_in_church/
%
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64g2ab/how_do_you_know_when_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
%
Mom, was I adopted?

Mom: What? No! I would never adopt you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64g1bj/mom_was_i_adopted/
%
What did the photon particle say as it traveled past?

Nothing, it just waved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64g0ia/what_did_the_photon_particle_say_as_it_traveled/
%
What is Hitler's favorite blanket?

Mein Kampfurter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64fz9t/what_is_hitlers_favorite_blanket/
%
If you build a man a fire, he will be warm for a night

But if you set a man on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64fx6a/if_you_build_a_man_a_fire_he_will_be_warm_for_a/
%
One day Canada will rule the world

Then you'll all be sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64fvz6/one_day_canada_will_rule_the_world/
%
I recently got into an accident by over steering into a Korean car.

It could have been avoided if I had better Hyundai coordination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64fuea/i_recently_got_into_an_accident_by_over_steering/
%
Where is the best place to hide from Mike Pence,

The closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64fte4/where_is_the_best_place_to_hide_from_mike_pence/
%
I'm not saying my wife is a slut, but she had sex with 6 people before we got married.

I was only 30mins late getting to the church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64fpe0/im_not_saying_my_wife_is_a_slut_but_she_had_sex/
%
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64foxf/a_guy_walks_into_a_sperm_donor_bank_wearing_a_ski/
%
Why is cheddar popcorn such a terrible joke?

It's both corny and cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64fgky/why_is_cheddar_popcorn_such_a_terrible_joke/
%
What is the name of the bar in the Vatican?

The Pope-acabana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64fg4b/what_is_the_name_of_the_bar_in_the_vatican/
%
Snow White, Superman and Pinochio are walking down the street...

They come across a sign that says : Beauty Contest. Snow White says she is going to enter. After a while she comes out with the 1st prize.
They walk further and come across a sign that reads : Strongest man contest. Superman enters and after a while comes out with the 1st prize.
They walk further and then come across a sign : Worlds BIGGEST liar. Pinochio says "This one is for me". After a while he comes out with tears in his eyes. Superman & Snowwhite asks "What happened?" Pinochio replies "Who on earth is Donald Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64fb30/snow_white_superman_and_pinochio_are_walking_down/
%
It'd be weird to have a fake breast made of oak…

Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64f740/itd_be_weird_to_have_a_fake_breast_made_of_oak/
%
I once met a homeless man

... And we had a small conversation. He said: "Every time there's a public marathon, I participate."
I replied: "Wow. You seem like a very active and sportive man despite being homeless."
He instantly said: "Nah, I just walk the whole race to get free water bottles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64f6bc/i_once_met_a_homeless_man/
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What did the resistor say to the capacitor after he beat him in a game?

I ohmed you!
(my 10 year came up with this when I was teaching him soldering)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64f3ed/what_did_the_resistor_say_to_the_capacitor_after/
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A good steak joke is hard to find.

It's a rarely well-done medium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64f32w/a_good_steak_joke_is_hard_to_find/
%
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted me to be honest about her cooking.

She asked me if I wanted her to be honest about our sex life.
Told her the food was amazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64f0po/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_she_wanted_me_to_be/
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Christian to an Atheist, "If God isn't real, how do you explain walking on water? Can you walk on water like Jesus?"

Atheist : Yes.
Christian : Show me a video of you walking on water.
Atheist : I don't need to. You just need to have faith that I did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ew2m/christian_to_an_atheist_if_god_isnt_real_how_do/
%
A boy stands in his yard with a baseball and bat...

He proudly proclaims "I'm the greatest batter in the world!"  He proceeds to toss the ball in the air swings with all his might. He misses and falls to the ground. "Strike one". He tosses the ball again, keeping his eye on it and swings. The ball hits the found with a thud, "strike two". He tosses the ball once again and takes a home run swing, but the ball lands in the grass at his toes, "strike 3".    He runs around the yard cheering with hands in the air, "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64eveh/a_boy_stands_in_his_yard_with_a_baseball_and_bat/
%
Post and Repost were out in a boat.

Post fell overboard.  Who was left?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64eugs/post_and_repost_were_out_in_a_boat/
%
My five year old made this joke

Please upboat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64eu09/my_five_year_old_made_this_joke/
%
Money can't buy happiness...

but it makes a great down payment!
~My Grandpa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ercs/money_cant_buy_happiness/
%
How do you find a needle in a hay stack?

Lock a junkie in the barn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64er85/how_do_you_find_a_needle_in_a_hay_stack/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64eqas/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
My Siamese girlfriend has just dumped me...

She caught me banging her sister behind her back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64eowj/my_siamese_girlfriend_has_just_dumped_me/
%
A man walks into a library

Man says to the librarian: "I'm looking for a book on suicide.'
Librarian says: "Fuck off you won't bring it back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64eo0s/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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What's the one body part you can choose to have?

You can pick your nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64em1j/whats_the_one_body_part_you_can_choose_to_have/
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What is Bashar al-Assad's favorite band?

My Chemical Romance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64elrp/what_is_bashar_alassads_favorite_band/
%
After a BJ, the girl asked the jedi how it felt. (NSFW)

He replied "It was as if millions of potential voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ekaq/after_a_bj_the_girl_asked_the_jedi_how_it_felt/
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What's the difference between a hard and soft shell taco from Taco Bell?

About 25 seconds in the microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64eh0l/whats_the_difference_between_a_hard_and_soft/
%
What's the best place to put dick pics?

In your junk mail!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64egwj/whats_the_best_place_to_put_dick_pics/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad, eventually I had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64eg6n/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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A joke my late grandfather told me...

Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64efwp/a_joke_my_late_grandfather_told_me/
%
What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64eeo2/what_do_you_call_crystal_clear_urine/
%
A bunch of books fell on to my head the other day.

I've only got my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ed23/a_bunch_of_books_fell_on_to_my_head_the_other_day/
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A devout Catholic man boards a plane

A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!
The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. *Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles?* the man thinks. *I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!*
Sure enough, the pope leans over and asks the man "do you know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?"
*Oh no.* The man is speechless. He sits there, terrified but trying his best to put on a pensive face, for about 30 seconds. *The pope won't speak to me this whole flight if I say what first came to mind...*
Then it hits him! "Oh!" he says. "AUNT. The word you're looking for is 'aunt', Your Holiness."
The pope calmly nods. "Ah, of course," he says. "Do you have an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ecs8/a_devout_catholic_man_boards_a_plane/
%
My Opinion on Body Part Puns?

They're pretty humerus if you ass me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ebvj/my_opinion_on_body_part_puns/
%
A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?”

The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64e997/a_boy_asks_his_dad_whats_the_difference_between/
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Disgusting cashier

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog on the counter.
The cashier asks," do you have a dog sir?"
"Yes, its at home." Replies the man.
"To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is the store policy sir."says the cashier.
Next day the man goes and places two cans of cat food in the counter.
"Do you own a cat sir?"asks the cashier.
" yeah it's at home." Replies the man.
"Well I am sorry sir. I can't sell you. I must see the cat before, that's the store policy." Says the cashier.
The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand "here" he says to the cashier "put your hand in here."
The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag and says," its all soft and warm."
"Yes, that's right," says the man, " I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64e7pg/disgusting_cashier/
%
I lost my mood ring...

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64e7in/i_lost_my_mood_ring/
%
What does one say when he is imprisoned by an ancient Greek government?

Fuck the polis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64e5rd/what_does_one_say_when_he_is_imprisoned_by_an/
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I went to Church today.

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.  Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replies, "Get out, you're on my side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64e4pq/i_went_to_church_today/
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What do you get when you cross hard alcohol with a classic American novel?

Tequil-a Mockinbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64e2ub/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_hard_alcohol_with/
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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64e26w/three_women_go_down_to_mexico_one_night_to/
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What is Irish and sits out in the rain?

Patty O'Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64e20j/what_is_irish_and_sits_out_in_the_rain/
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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64e1fa/this_is_the_dirty_joke_my_85yo_grandad_told_to/
%
Where did the cannibal dump his girlfriend?

In the toilet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64e0yu/where_did_the_cannibal_dump_his_girlfriend/
%
I made an irrational decision today...

I went to a pi eating contest. It never stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64e0o2/i_made_an_irrational_decision_today/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

He said he couldn't complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64dzmb/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_there/
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I would hate to have to wear dutch clogs,

wooden shoe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64dw4d/i_would_hate_to_have_to_wear_dutch_clogs/
%
I hate Russian dolls...

They are so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64dv25/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
Bob hates his wife's cat....

Bob absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway, with a smug look on his face.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the damn cat!
Bob kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. Finally, Bob decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later Bob calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64dsvu/bob_hates_his_wifes_cat/
%
What makes a fishing story interesting?

A good hook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64dsct/what_makes_a_fishing_story_interesting/
%
If I ever need a heart transplant..

I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ds5l/if_i_ever_need_a_heart_transplant/
%
A man walks into a bar

Sees the prices, hanging in the wall:
Beer: $2
Whisky: $4
Cheese bread: $6
Squeeze sexual organ: $10
He checks his wallet and noticed he has enough! He goes and asks one of the stunning bartenders:
"Excuse me, are you one of the girls who squeeze the clients' sexual organs?"
"Yes, I am", says the girl with a beautiful smile and a caliente voice
"Ok. Go wash your hands. I want two cheese breads, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ds0v/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call 365 condoms recycled into a tire?

A good year.
*sound of crickets*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64dq1p/what_do_you_call_365_condoms_recycled_into_a_tire/
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What does Dora say in Iraq?

Sniper no Sniping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64dn6q/what_does_dora_say_in_iraq/
%
How does George Takei say the plural of hippopotamus?

Hippopot oh my

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64dlxg/how_does_george_takei_say_the_plural_of/
%
My friend was super excited when his girlfriend said "You're like a brother to me!"

Then I remembered, they're from the south.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64di2s/my_friend_was_super_excited_when_his_girlfriend/
%
What do you call it when your shower tiles are cracked and don't repel water the way they should?

A wrecked tile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64dg8i/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_shower_tiles_are/
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Why Condoms comes in 3,6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”
“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……. ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ddyl/why_condoms_comes_in_36_and_12_pack/
%
I was trying to be a gentleman

And hold the door open for ladies.
But they kept screaming " get out, I'm peeing in here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64dd74/i_was_trying_to_be_a_gentleman/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64db2x/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
I'm very good at remembering random facts.

For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice.
And that's just off the top of my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64dade/im_very_good_at_remembering_random_facts/
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Parisian vacation

A woman took a vacation to France some years ago with one of her girl- friends. Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good trip. The wife asked, "Would you like me to bring something
back for you?"
The husband laughed and says, "How about a French girl!"
The woman kept quiet, didn't respond and went into the terminal.
Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and asked, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Really great, I loved Paris."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for....the French girl?"
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait
nine months to see if it's a girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64d9vu/parisian_vacation/
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A Women is giving birth

The baby comes out and had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck, the mother paniked. The doctor took the baby and quickly cut the umbilical cord off and looked at it for half a minute
"Is it okay?" Asked the mother of the baby
The doctor took the baby by it's legs and slaps its head against the corner of the bed
The mother screamed "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"Just kidding" said the doctor "It was already dead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64d88o/a_women_is_giving_birth/
%
*Eminem walks into a bar with his daughter*

Daughter : Two shots, please.
Eminem  : You only get one shot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64d584/eminem_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_daughter/
%
How can you tell when a mechanic has had sex?

One finger is clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64d44g/how_can_you_tell_when_a_mechanic_has_had_sex/
%
I tripped over my sister's bra the other day

It was boobie trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64d2dd/i_tripped_over_my_sisters_bra_the_other_day/
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Son: Mom, Dad, I'm gay...

Dad : Raising his right hand
Mom : No , don't you dare!
Dad : Sweating profusely
Mom : Don't do it!
Dad : waves at son Hi gay , Im Dad.
Son : No Dad, I'm serious!
Dad : You're serious? I thought you were gay!
Son : I'm not serious!
Dad and Mom : Good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64d26r/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
%
What is the proper way to explore Italy?

You Rome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64d0qg/what_is_the_proper_way_to_explore_italy/
%
My wife said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64czmt/my_wife_said_to_me_the_other_day_why_did_god_give/
%
A man is walking down a hallway when he accidentally bumps into a woman with a lazy eye...

"Hey! Why don't you watch where you're going!" She exclaims. The man replies, "Why don't you go where you're watching?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cyuu/a_man_is_walking_down_a_hallway_when_he/
%
Just burned my Hawaiian pizza.

Should've put it on 'aloha' temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cy1c/just_burned_my_hawaiian_pizza/
%
Why did the scarecrow win the prize?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cy01/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_prize/
%
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

**Gordon Ramsay:** BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T FUCKING COOK IT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cx6i/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.

Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cw7q/patient_doctor_help_me_please_every_time_i_drink/
%
My wife told me to go to the doctor and get those pills that "help" with an erection...

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cvk4/my_wife_told_me_to_go_to_the_doctor_and_get_those/
%
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cvc9/patient_oh_doctor_im_just_so_nervous_this_is_my/
%
What's the difference between a gingerbread man and an orange man?

One runs away, the other runs for president.
^^It's ^^kinda ^^my ^^first ^^submission ^^I ^^hope ^^it's ^^ok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cv3w/whats_the_difference_between_a_gingerbread_man/
%
The lawyer in hell

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An newly annointed angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements.
After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cu4l/the_lawyer_in_hell/
%
A physicist was in Las Vegas

Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.
Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?
Tour guide: No, I don't know.
Physicist: Mass over volume.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cq1d/a_physicist_was_in_las_vegas/
%
Women hate mechanics.

All they do is screw, nut, and bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cotc/women_hate_mechanics/
%
What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.
[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64come/whats_the_most_common_operation_in_a_lego_hospital/
%
Someone was killed with a starter pistol today...

Police think it may be race-related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64coe5/someone_was_killed_with_a_starter_pistol_today/
%
Why don't blind men sky dive....

Because it scares the shit out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cnrn/why_dont_blind_men_sky_dive/
%
Woody caught Buzz and Bo Peep having toy sex

Woody: "What's the meaning of this???!!"
Bo Peep: "You got a friend in me..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cnd9/woody_caught_buzz_and_bo_peep_having_toy_sex/
%
In Russia nobody ever says "thank you"

Because there, they speak russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ckva/in_russia_nobody_ever_says_thank_you/
%
What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ckd4/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
%
I've always wanted to work in a mirror factory

It's the only thing I could see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ckaq/ive_always_wanted_to_work_in_a_mirror_factory/
%
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ck8m/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
Guy walks into a bar out west

It's deserted except for the barkeep.
"Where's everybody?" the guy asks.
"Down at the town square. There's a hangin' today."
"Yeah? Who they hangin'?"
"Brown Paper Jack."
"Why do they call him that?"
"Well, everything about him is brown paper...chaps, shirt, hat, belt--he even rides with a saddle made out of brown paper."
"Yeah? What are they hangin' him for?"
"Rustlin'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ci46/guy_walks_into_a_bar_out_west/
%
I heard that certain foods can be addictive

So I quit cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cgt7/i_heard_that_certain_foods_can_be_addictive/
%
An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives

He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."
A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cejz/an_english_teacher_is_giving_a_lesson_on_double/
%
A man is sat in a bar having a drink.

A rowdy older gentleman comes in and straight away goes up to this guy and says "I fucked you mum last night!" Now the rest of the bar goes quite as they are expecting an argument, but the man at the bar just sits there.
The older gentleman walks away, orders a few drinks then comes back. "I shove my dick in your mother everyday" he yelled. The rest of the bar, now fully expecting a fight, start to egg the guy at the bar on. But to no avail! Once again the guy remains silent and the older man walks away. 5 mins later he comes back and, practically screaming, says "your mum sucks my dick!" the guy at the bar finally decides to reply. He stands up, turns to the older man and says calmly "Dad, go home, your drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64cal3/a_man_is_sat_in_a_bar_having_a_drink/
%
Every person has the power to make others happy.

Some do it simply by entering a room; others by leaving the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64c815/every_person_has_the_power_to_make_others_happy/
%
3 guys walk into a car

No not a bar. A car. They were looking at their phones while crossing the street

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64c7t0/3_guys_walk_into_a_car/
%
A Norweigan robot analyzed a bird.

It scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64c641/a_norweigan_robot_analyzed_a_bird/
%
Why is there a wall around a cemetery?

Because people are DYING to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64c5ka/why_is_there_a_wall_around_a_cemetery/
%
Why does Wheres Waldo wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64c07f/why_does_wheres_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
Why was I named rose?

In a city, there were a family of 5. A father, a mother, and their 3 daughters. One day, the first daughter walks into the kitchen to see her father...
Daughter 1: Daddy? Why did you name me rose?
Father: Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head.
The second daughter walked into the kitchen shortly after...
Daughter 2: Daddy? Why did you name me daisy?
Father: Because when you were a born, a daisy fell on your head.
The third daughter came in after...
Daughter 3: DURRRRRR!!!
Father: SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64bzrv/why_was_i_named_rose/
%
Today 10 ladies asked me to go out!!

I was in the ladies bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64bx28/today_10_ladies_asked_me_to_go_out/
%
What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing, it just waved.
No need to get salty. It's just a pun aboat the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64bs3a/what_did_the_ocean_say_to_the_beach/
%
Dave was bragging to his boss one day.

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64bkhd/dave_was_bragging_to_his_boss_one_day/
%
I got my girlfriend pregnant and I learned a very important lesson

The price difference between a condom  and an abortion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64bk13/i_got_my_girlfriend_pregnant_and_i_learned_a_very/
%
In Saudi Arabia, why don't they teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on the same day

The camel would get too tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64bhus/in_saudi_arabia_why_dont_they_teach_drivers_ed/
%
She's a bright lady

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64bhdm/shes_a_bright_lady/
%
My wife started charging people for blowjobs at fancy restaurants...

...because she wanted to make a little extra money under the table.
Ba^dum^tsssss^ssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64bg05/my_wife_started_charging_people_for_blowjobs_at/
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What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry.
Edit2: grammar, damnit
Edit3: dammit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64bfq1/what_does_a_carpenter_do_after_a_one_night_stand/
%
A man is driving recklessly on the highway

. A cop sees him me pulls him over.
The officer asks the man to step outside of his vehicle and then asks for him to pee into a cup.
The man replies " I can't do that I'm diabetic, my blood sugar will get to low"
The officer then asks the man to blow into a breathalyzer to which he replies "I can't do that I'm n asthmatic, if I do that I won't be able to breathe"
The officer then asks the man to recite his abc's backwards which he can't do because he does not know how to read and write.
The officer finally asks the man to walk straight on a white line.
The man replies " I can't do that either"
" why not?" The officer asks.
"Because I'm drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64bdzd/a_man_is_driving_recklessly_on_the_highway/
%
I slipped on some black ice earlier today...

I thought it was regular ice, but when I got up my wallet was missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64bcxy/i_slipped_on_some_black_ice_earlier_today/
%
Red Neck Computer Dictionary

* LOG ON: Makin’ a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin’ the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you’re not keerfull gittin’ the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much farwood.
* RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
* HARD DRIVE: Gittin’ home in the winter time.
* WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it’s cold outside.
* SCREEN: Whut to shut when it’s black fly season.
* BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
* CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
* MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.
* MODEM: Whutcha do to the hay fields.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64b95p/red_neck_computer_dictionary/
%
What do Japanese cannibals eat

Rawmen
Thanks for upvotes and comments. I really don't know how to react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64b7l5/what_do_japanese_cannibals_eat/
%
What's the difference between pulling and pushing a car?

When you pull a car, you get tired. When you push one you get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64b3gn/whats_the_difference_between_pulling_and_pushing/
%
Two factory workers are talking

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64b3b8/two_factory_workers_are_talking/
%
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny

Judge: What?
Lawyer: He's in a cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64b1xp/lawyer_my_client_is_trapped_inside_a_penny/
%
I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64b1ks/i_bought_a_second_hand_time_machine_next_tuesday/
%
Why couldn't the computer feel anything?

Num. lock was on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64b053/why_couldnt_the_computer_feel_anything/
%
If I had a nickel for every racist joke I make

I'd get mugged by a black guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64awxy/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_racist_joke_i_make/
%
What do you call if your crush, has a crush on you too?

IMAGINATION, we call it
#IMAGINATION

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64aww9/what_do_you_call_if_your_crush_has_a_crush_on_you/
%
What did Cinderella do once she got to the ball?

She choked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64avot/what_did_cinderella_do_once_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
A group of blondes walk into a bar

celebrating and chanting "28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!"
Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a bartender goes up and asks "What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??"
All the blondes say "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64aqum/a_group_of_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a bad area in an italian city?

The spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ams6/what_do_you_call_a_bad_area_in_an_italian_city/
%
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked his problem out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64akyk/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's going to take me awhile to get hard right now, I just got laid by some chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64akue/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
%
Masturbation is a good skill to have.

It comes in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64aijm/masturbation_is_a_good_skill_to_have/
%
Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar. . .

and they're drunkenly arguing over who has the loosest pussy.
The first one says: "Last night I had a John put his whole fist up me and open up his fingers.
The second one laughs and says: "That's nothing! Last week I had a guy who stuck his arm up me to the elbow and could wriggle it all around, barely touching the sides!"
The third one laughed at the other two and slid down the bar stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ahsb/three_prostitutes_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
Just found out my bird loving girlfriend is a cheating slut...

...she just can't resist a cockatoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ah7s/just_found_out_my_bird_loving_girlfriend_is_a/
%
I can describe you in one word

Curious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64agul/i_can_describe_you_in_one_word/
%
Roses

are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm Schizophrenic,
so am I

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ag0n/roses/
%
I Hear that Russia is so mad about the US airstrike in syria

That they are seriously considering voting democratic in the next election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64aft9/i_hear_that_russia_is_so_mad_about_the_us/
%
What do you call a room full of Thai girls?

A sausage party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64afsg/what_do_you_call_a_room_full_of_thai_girls/
%
This time 5 years ago, I asked the most beautiful girl I've met out for dinner, today I asked her to marry me,

she said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64ad2j/this_time_5_years_ago_i_asked_the_most_beautiful/
%
Ordered a burger at GameStop

Sent it back because it tasted so gamey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64aayq/ordered_a_burger_at_gamestop/
%
If I had a dollar for every time the economy inflated...

I'd have an infinite amount of money, but i'll still be poor as fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64aabp/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_the_economy/
%
[NSFW] I have bought a race horse called ......

my face!
I dont care if it wins or loses, or even costs me a fortune, I just want the pleasure of going to the races and hearing hundreds of posh females shouting 'come on my face!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64a9t8/nsfw_i_have_bought_a_race_horse_called/
%
Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?

He had caps lock on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64a9g7/why_couldnt_the_laptop_take_off_his_hat/
%
My friend got mauled by a bear....

but i'm not gonna discuss the Grizzly details......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64a92j/my_friend_got_mauled_by_a_bear/
%
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64a8l3/they_say_kim_jong_un_has_read_every_single_book/
%
What the difference between my dad and a police officer?

I don't need to be black for my dad to beat me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64a5e2/what_the_difference_between_my_dad_and_a_police/
%
A guy gets a job as a sacristan

and he gets along pretty well with the priest. Everything is in order, except that the Communion wine stocks don't seem to last very long.
One day, the priest calls him in and says: "Bob, you've been a very good sacristan so far. I have no reason to complain about your work, but I noticed that some of the mass wine has been gone missing since you've started working here. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"
Bob stammers and tries to find an answer.
"It's okay, son. When was your last confession? We can always take this to the booth, and whatever is said there will be between you, me and God only. Only He can forgive."
Bob agrees, and they go to the confessional.
"Alright Bob. So, who drank the wine?"
"What?"
"Did you drink the Communion wine?"
"What?"
"Bob, I..."
"I'm really sorry, father, but I can't understand a thing in this booth."
"Bob..."
"Would you like to switch sides? I think the acoustics here are a litte bit off."
The priest agrees, and they switch sides.
This time, Bob starts the conversation:
"WHAT SANCTIMONIOUS SON OF A BITCH HAS BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE THE PAST HALF YEAR?!"
The priest pauses for a moment, then says:
"...you're right Bob, I can't understand a word in here, either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/649zkt/a_guy_gets_a_job_as_a_sacristan/
%
My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients...

its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/649z4q/my_brother_got_fired_from_his_job_because_he_had/
%
Just impulse bought a blind fold...

Cant see myself wearing it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/649y2k/just_impulse_bought_a_blind_fold/
%
Dont you just hate people who take drugs??

..cops, customs etc...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/649xcl/dont_you_just_hate_people_who_take_drugs/
%
When I was a kid my parents moved around a lot

But I kept on finding them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/649o9p/when_i_was_a_kid_my_parents_moved_around_a_lot/
%
It's also mine

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/649o8n/its_also_mine/
%
A burglar breaks into a house

He sneaks in, doesn’t even turn on his flashlight and tries to find the valuables.
Suddenly, a voice calls out, “Jesus sees everything!"
He freezes in his tracks and tries to locate the voice.
The voice repeats, “Jesus sees everything!”
The burglar slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room. He sees a birdcage with a parrot in it.
“Oh, just a parrot. What's your name little bird?” the burglar asks the parrot.
The parrot answers “Moses, I see you like Jesus does."
“Hah! So what?” says the burglar. "Moses is a dumb fucking name for a bird anyways."
“Maybe,” replies the bird, “but Jesus is a dumb fucking name for a Rottweiler!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/649mj6/a_burglar_breaks_into_a_house/
%
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just start shooting the room because it's black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/649hn8/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What did one astronaut say to the other?

Stop mooning me, I can see Uranus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/649h8y/what_did_one_astronaut_say_to_the_other/
%
What do you call a black pilot?

A pilot you fucking racist...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/649glh/what_do_you_call_a_black_pilot/
%
It's scientifically proven that birthdays are good for your health.

The more of them you have, the longer you live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/649bo3/its_scientifically_proven_that_birthdays_are_good/
%
I have a really nice step ladder.

I have a really nice step ladder, I love it, but I wish I knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/649beg/i_have_a_really_nice_step_ladder/
%
How does a jew make his tea?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/649alt/how_does_a_jew_make_his_tea/
%
Trouble on the Roof

Mike and Rob were laying tile on a roof when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."
"What, do you think I'm stupid?" Rob replied." I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."
"What, do you think I'm stupid?" Mike answers. "You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6498nb/trouble_on_the_roof/
%
In Soviet Russia, you rob banks...

in Capitalist America, banks rob you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6497ja/in_soviet_russia_you_rob_banks/
%
A woman visits the doctor

She has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers."
She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"
To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6491z6/a_woman_visits_the_doctor/
%
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6491q2/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
%
I like my symphonies like I like my penis

In A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6490k9/i_like_my_symphonies_like_i_like_my_penis/
%
At Restaurant

WAITER: Are you done?
ME: No, I'm Dave
WAITER: Are you joking?
ME: \*grabs his shirt\* NO, I TOLD YOU I'M DAVE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648zku/at_restaurant/
%
A man walks into a library to rent a book.

He goes up to the librarian and asks,
"Do you have any books on suicide?"
She angrily looks at him and shouts, "Fuck you, you'll never return it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648xzh/a_man_walks_into_a_library_to_rent_a_book/
%
A church is gathered together on a gorgeous Sunday morning.

In the middle of the preachers sermon the whole building is rocked by a thunderous roar. footsteps like an earthquake shake the brick and the sky darkens and flashes with lightning. With a horrible cracking sound the roof is torn off by a pair of enourmous red hand. Looking down into the church building, winged and horned, is Satan himself. The congregants flee in all directions save one old man who remains stalwart in his pew. Satan, lord of darkness, is perplexed by this.
"Do you know who I am?" Rumbles the demon king.
"Yeah. You are the devil." Replies the old man, unimpressed.
"Indeed," says Satan, "so why do you not flee?"
"I've been married to your sister for twenty five years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648xjg/a_church_is_gathered_together_on_a_gorgeous/
%
A joke my dad used to tell me when I was a kid

I love you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648wke/a_joke_my_dad_used_to_tell_me_when_i_was_a_kid/
%
I once loved two girls at the same time

I used to live between two girls. Kate, a smart and funny brunette and Edith, a sexy and mischeivous blonde. I hit it off well with both girls and so, thought I could date them both. I would spend Monday, Wednesday and Friday with Kate, and Tuesday, Thursday and Sautrday with Edith. I would alternate Sundays between Kate and Edith.
One Sunday, Kate invited me out bowling. We had a fantastic time, but as I walked Kate home, Edith was standing outside my house, expecting to spend Sunday with me. The two girls immediately  understood what was going on and slapped me before walking home.
It was then I learned what they say is true,you can't have your Kate, and Edith too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648vjj/i_once_loved_two_girls_at_the_same_time/
%
Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss earlier "Just pop it in the corner" he said

It took me five fucking hours!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648v95/where_do_you_want_this_big_roll_of_bubble_wrap_i/
%
Did you hear about the shepherd that retired to the Pacific Northwest?

He was sheepless in Seattle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648rx4/did_you_hear_about_the_shepherd_that_retired_to/
%
My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday".

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648p4t/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
%
My Jewish grandpa told me this joke a few years back

A Rabbi and a Priest are walking by a playground.
Priest: *leans over to the Rabbi and whispers* "Id love to go fuck those kids"
Rabbi: *looking confused* "fuck them out of what? They don't have any money"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648p15/my_jewish_grandpa_told_me_this_joke_a_few_years/
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Sunny day with my gf.

I ask honey if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."
She is right, I kill the son of b* in one shot.
I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648man/sunny_day_with_my_gf/
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If i had a nickel for every existential crisis

it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648l9k/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_existential_crisis/
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Why did the Scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648l3v/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
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A girl playing in the garden.

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They’re mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That’s a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.
The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648juw/a_girl_playing_in_the_garden/
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Dogs can't operate MRI machines.

But catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648gyu/dogs_cant_operate_mri_machines/
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Softball

A man walks into a bar and sits down.  The bartender notices this guy has a head the size of a softball.
"What up with you?" the bartender asks.
"I was down on the beach and found lamp.  I picked it up and this beautiful woman appears.  She says, 'I will grant you any wish you desire.'
I say I want to have sex with her.  She says, 'I'm sorry I can't do that.'
So I say, 'How about a little head?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648fbr/softball/
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My doctor said my sprem count was top notch

"Well It's hand made"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/648cms/my_doctor_said_my_sprem_count_was_top_notch/
%
My wife gave me some bad news today

"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."
"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"
I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6485fi/my_wife_gave_me_some_bad_news_today/
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What is the favorite appetizer of scottish people?

Gaelic Bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6483mj/what_is_the_favorite_appetizer_of_scottish_people/
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Why you shouldn't fart in a Apple store?

Cuz it doesn't have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647zfv/why_you_shouldnt_fart_in_a_apple_store/
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Action dan here, I got a call about my wife from the ER

Action dan here, I answered the phone and it was from the ER and the nurse said "Action dan It looks like your wife got hit  by a truck."
I said" action dan here, well yeah, but she's got a great personality."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647ycq/action_dan_here_i_got_a_call_about_my_wife_from/
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A middle aged couple goes to see a couples counselor...

The therapist says that she needs to give them a physical exam first, separately, and then they will have the therapy session together. The couple are confused, but she has an excellent reputation so they go along with it.
After the exams, they meet again in her office and she says to the wife, "here is what you will do, on your way home now, you are going to pick up six doughnuts, and tonight you are going to eat each one of them, slowly and carefully, off your husband's erect penis." To the man she says, "on you your way home now, you are going to buy a bunch of grapes and tonight you are going to eat each one of them, slowly and carefully, out of your wife's vagina." She concludes the appoint there.
Later the couple is raving to their friends about this amazing therapist got their marriage back on track and they have never been happier, so the second couple make an appointment with the therapist.
After the therapist examines the second couple they meet in her office and she says, "I'm sorry, but you are a couple I cannot help, thank you for coming." The couple are terribly disappointed based on the raves of their friends and beg her to reconsider. Finally the doctor says, "well OK then, here is what you are going to do on the way home, you need to pick up a box of Cheerios and an apple...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647x9b/a_middle_aged_couple_goes_to_see_a_couples/
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A girl and her parrot

A girl was complaining to her brother about her pet parrot and how it kept calling her a whore.
The brother tells her to give him the parrot for a few days and he can sort things out.
The brother takes the parrot home, fills a tub with water, and holds the parrot's head under the water for a bit and asks it "when you see her what do you say?"
The parrot responds "whore"
The brother dips the parrot's head in another time and asks him again. The parrot replies "still a whore".
The brother is furious, he dips his head in for a third time, almost drowning him. He asks again. This time the parrot replies "madam".
The brother takes the parrot back to his sister and tells her it's all sorted.
The sister asks the parrot "if you see me with a guy, what do you say?
The parrot replies "it's just your husband, madam"
Sister: "and if you see me with 2 guys?"
Parrot: "it's just your husband and your brother, madam"
Sister: "and if you see me with 3 guys?"
The parrot turns to the brother and says "FFS! get the tub ready, i've told you she's a whore!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647tgh/a_girl_and_her_parrot/
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You know what's really odd?

Numbers not divisible by 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647t7y/you_know_whats_really_odd/
%
If I was addicted to masturbation and then became addicted to sex…

…would it be safe to say my addiction got out of hand?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647syg/if_i_was_addicted_to_masturbation_and_then_became/
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Jewish Business

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted, “Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”
“OK, OK” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead… “Your f***ing brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647sag/jewish_business/
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I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me.

"Are you still holding the fucking ladder?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647rbg/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words_to_me/
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Many years ago during my married days

I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647p1s/many_years_ago_during_my_married_days/
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A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647owt/a_woman_is_slightly_drunk_watching_a_video_when/
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Three blondes walked into a bar.

You'd think one of them would've seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647o87/three_blondes_walked_into_a_bar/
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My friend though taking all of his clothes off made invisible

I asked him why, and he said:
"Because last time I was with my girlfriend and took all my clothes off, she said she couldn't see me anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647nxf/my_friend_though_taking_all_of_his_clothes_off/
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Blowing Bubbles

A teacher asked two of her students a girl, and a boy, what they did during recess.
Girl: I was blowing Bubbles!
Boy: I was blowing Bubbles too!
The teacher then noticed another boy walking into her class from recess she did not recognize. She asked, "You must be new, What's your name?"
The boy replied with a smile: My name is Bubbles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647nkv/blowing_bubbles/
%
How does a mime walk around?

Goes without saying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647nj2/how_does_a_mime_walk_around/
%
A lion would never cheat on his wife...

But a Tiger Wood!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647my2/a_lion_would_never_cheat_on_his_wife/
%
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bay-gulls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647mlk/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
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I've been shopping in the kid's department for hours and they FINALLY found something that fits me!

Although the handcuffs are a bit snug....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647lef/ive_been_shopping_in_the_kids_department_for/
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Did you hear about the solitary T shirt printer?

He's going to dye alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647lcb/did_you_hear_about_the_solitary_t_shirt_printer/
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What does a robot do after a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647kf9/what_does_a_robot_do_after_a_one_night_stand/
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Do you know what impresses me most about gloryhole construction?

The load-bearing walls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647j86/do_you_know_what_impresses_me_most_about/
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What are two things in the Air that can make a Girl pregnant

Her legs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647hrl/what_are_two_things_in_the_air_that_can_make_a/
%
A man wakes up late and has to speed to get to work on time...

He's flying down the highway, doing 90 in a 60. He approaches an overpass and sees a cop above running radar. The man thinks to.m himself, "shit".
Sure enough, lights and sirens and the cop is pulling him over. He officer approaches the car and asks the man, "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"
The man replies, "because I was speeding?"
"Yes. Why were you going so fast?", asks the cop.
The man responds, "well, to be perfectly honest, I'm late for work."
The cop doesn't like it but asks, "what do you do for work?"
The man explains, "I'm an asshole stretcher."
"An asshole stretcher? What the hell is an asshole stretcher?"
The man continues, " I sit in a factory and stretch assholes. First, I start with a normal sized asshole and work a finger in until it's easy. Then, I work until I can get two, then three, then four. Keep going until I can get my whole hand in."
The cops retches in disgust. "Continue," says the cop.
The man finishes his story: "I just keep going working until both hands are in. Once I can do that, I work it out to a foot wide, then two feet, until it's about six feet across."
The cop, now genuinely curious, asks, "what do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
The man relies, "I give him a radar gun, stick him on an overpass, and make him pullover people that are late for work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647f60/a_man_wakes_up_late_and_has_to_speed_to_get_to/
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A guy finally buys his dream car

... And on his first day of owning it, he gets caught speeding down the highway.
Pulling over, the officer walks up to the window and says "Son, I've been a cop for over 30 years, I've heard every excuse there is. If you come up with a new one I'll let you off with a warning."
The driver says "Well, to be honest sir, my wife recently left me for a state trooper, and when I saw your car, I was scared you were bringing her back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647ery/a_guy_finally_buys_his_dream_car/
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What do we want? A time machine! When do we want it?

It doesn't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647erv/what_do_we_want_a_time_machine_when_do_we_want_it/
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My doctor prescribed me Viagra for my depression by mistake

All it did was make everything harder and harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647e1o/my_doctor_prescribed_me_viagra_for_my_depression/
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What happened to the frog that parked illegally?

He got Toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647cdo/what_happened_to_the_frog_that_parked_illegally/
%
What do you call Italian children with epilepsy?

Little Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647b05/what_do_you_call_italian_children_with_epilepsy/
%
I never really liked chemistry...

There's always an element of surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/647ad4/i_never_really_liked_chemistry/
%
When I was younger...

When I was younger my mother used to feed me by putting food on a spoon, and telling me "the train's coming". I'd always eat it, because if I didn't she wouldn't untie me from the track.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6478sz/when_i_was_younger/
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George's son

George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to
the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64772w/georges_son/
%
I had a dream last night that I was a car muffler

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6476o8/i_had_a_dream_last_night_that_i_was_a_car_muffler/
%
Mickey came home from a long day of work.

"Honey! I'm home!" he yelled. However, his wife, Minnie, didn't answer him. He supposed she was just upstairs in the bedroom, taking a nap. When Mickey opened the bedroom door, much to his dismay, he found Minnie having sex with Goofy. "Hey! What are you doing? Get outta here, you creep!"
Days later, he filed divorce against Minnie. In the courtroom, the judge read Mickey's reason for divorce. "Mr Mickey Mouse, why would you file for divorce against your wife for being 'extremely silly'?"
Micky yelled, "I didn't say that! I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64723u/mickey_came_home_from_a_long_day_of_work/
%
An American, an Italian, and a German are applying for a job.

In the wake of WWII, the newly founded CIA needed the best of the best. An American, an Italian, and a German have made it to the final round of interviews.
The three are sitting together in a barren room, when an agent walks in.
"Congratulation, each of you have made it to the final round of interviews. To your right there are three rooms. In each room, there is a woman, blindfolded. There is also a loaded revolver. You must kill her. The woman is your mother."
The American stands up, and with great disgust simply walks out of the room.
The Italian stands up, with conviction, and heads to his door and walks in. In a matter of seconds, he could be heard sobbing. He opens the doors, tears running down his face, and walks out.
The German, looking a bit perplexed, gets up and walks through the door, shutting it behind him. Almost as soon as the door shuts... "Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!"
Then silence...
After a moment, some commotion can be heard, and the sound of wood breaking, followed by... "Slam! Slam! Slam!"
The German walks out of the room, a bit sweaty, but collected. He takes his seat and calmly explains, "The gun was loaded with blanks... so I used the chair. It is done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646ypx/an_american_an_italian_and_a_german_are_applying/
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I met a girl with 12 nipples

Sounds funny
Dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646xg3/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
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Why was the mortgage so clingy?

It hated being alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646wqd/why_was_the_mortgage_so_clingy/
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Click here to find out what type of motherfucker you are.

You are an optimistic motherfucker for clicking this and hoping for a different punchline than "curious".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646vp2/click_here_to_find_out_what_type_of_motherfucker/
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What do you a call a homosexual really good at SQL?

A queery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646vj0/what_do_you_a_call_a_homosexual_really_good_at_sql/
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So a guy wants to get a job

Interviewer: Do you have any abilities?
Man: Yes, I never die.
Interviewer (Surprised) WOW, how do you do that?
Man: Because dreams never come true....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646uz0/so_a_guy_wants_to_get_a_job/
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I just found out something shocking about the moderators

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646utl/i_just_found_out_something_shocking_about_the/
%
People with a fruit fetish are never lonely...

They cum in pears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646u4s/people_with_a_fruit_fetish_are_never_lonely/
%
Take my advice - Do not interrupt your wife while she's trying to tell you a joke.

You'll never hear the end of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646t32/take_my_advice_do_not_interrupt_your_wife_while/
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I just had a near-sex experience...

My wife flashed before my eyes…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646scp/i_just_had_a_nearsex_experience/
%
What do you get when you cross a dildo with a nuke?

A weapon of ass destruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646n3a/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dildo_with_a_nuke/
%
What do gay people have in their blood?

Homoglobin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646lhg/what_do_gay_people_have_in_their_blood/
%
What do you get when a Nigerian fucks your ear?

Hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646jze/what_do_you_get_when_a_nigerian_fucks_your_ear/
%
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646ice/an_elderly_couple_is_in_church_the_wife_says_to/
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I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?

Fucking ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646f52/i_have_six_eyes_two_mouths_and_three_ears_what_am/
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Two women are discussing their love lives

Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."
Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."
"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646eo6/two_women_are_discussing_their_love_lives/
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Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?

Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.
Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?
Man: No, I’m a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646ck8/girl_so_how_many_times_a_day_do_you_shave/
%
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter -- You found Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6468z0/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_hanging_out_one/
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What did Tennessee?

Same thing Arkansas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6468qz/what_did_tennessee/
%
If you watch 127 Hours backwards

It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64687v/if_you_watch_127_hours_backwards/
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How did you catch a one of a kind animal?

Unique up on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/646751/how_did_you_catch_a_one_of_a_kind_animal/
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The first joke I made up at age 7 - found in my first grade journal

Q: Where do robbers go to the bathroom
A: Arrest-room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6465pk/the_first_joke_i_made_up_at_age_7_found_in_my/
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I feel so bad for my friend.

He spent years of training in the medical field. Spent thousands on putting himself through University, making sure he was the best he could be. This week he struck off for sleeping with one of his patients, they had known each other for a couple of years prior to this.
It makes me so mad because he was a bloody good vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6465di/i_feel_so_bad_for_my_friend/
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John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch, and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the county fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64650b/john_was_in_the_fertilized_egg_business/
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Joker: "Someone said you sound like an owl more than a bat"

Bat: "WHO?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6463sv/joker_someone_said_you_sound_like_an_owl_more/
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A Frenchman and an Ethiopian got into a heated argument.

The Frenchman said, "We have better food, wine, standard of living, transportation, infrastructure, economy, and GDP than you! What do you have? Nothing!"
The Ethiopian answered, "At least we didn't surrender to the Axis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6463ay/a_frenchman_and_an_ethiopian_got_into_a_heated/
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Two little brothers were fighting and arguing...

The first one says: Well, you were adopted!
The second one replied: Well, at least they wanted me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6461ru/two_little_brothers_were_fighting_and_arguing/
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What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6460i3/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6460ak/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/645z76/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/645ylb/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination?

HAND EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/645yf7/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_kind_of/
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Sandbox Humor

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/645x5b/sandbox_humor/
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My dad got fired today and asked me to be his teacher.

His boss told him to learn from his mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/645vrz/my_dad_got_fired_today_and_asked_me_to_be_his/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A ripoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/645vgr/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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My girlfriend tried to get me to have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic...

I told her if I was gonna have sex, it would have to be on my own Accord

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/645qy1/my_girlfriend_tried_to_get_me_to_have_sex_with/
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This actually happened to me yesterday with my grandpa

Grandpa: *pointing to the newspaper* hey buddy, can you hand me the sports section
Grandson: sure *hands him the sports section*
Grandpa: no, no, no, not that *he reaches over and grabs a different section*
Grandson: but that's the obituaries grandpa...
Grandpa: yeah but when you're my age this is the sports sections

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/645q2t/this_actually_happened_to_me_yesterday_with_my/
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I was at McDonalds earlier today, just chilling when a really hot, girl walked up to me.

She grabbed me and took me to her car. She ripped my clothes off and starts sucking me as if she's dying of thirst. She sucked long and slobbery and I let out a huge load. She looked up with the face of satisfaction.
Then I realised I'm a straw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/645nbf/i_was_at_mcdonalds_earlier_today_just_chilling/
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Why are octopuses so dangerous?

They're heavily armed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/645n98/why_are_octopuses_so_dangerous/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/645ma5/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"

Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/645e4k/woman_to_her_husband_while_at_it_please_say_dirty/
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I was told, if I voted for Hillary, they predicted Obamacare would continue and we'd go to war with Syria...

I did, and the predictions came true!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/645a6p/i_was_told_if_i_voted_for_hillary_they_predicted/
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Did you hear about the woman who backed up into a fan?

Disaster.
Dis-assed-her.
Copyright Chris Farley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6453yi/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_backed_up_into_a/
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Government job!

Interview for handicapped people was going on.
Interviewer : so are you handicapped?
Candidate : yeah! I lost my balls in a bomb blast.
Interviewer : OK you are selected for 9am to 5pm job. Come at 11 am from Monday.
Candidate got confused and asked : why at 11 am? You said 9 am to 5pm.
Interviewer replied, " its a government job, first two hours we just scratch our balls. What you'll do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6453vl/government_job/
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Your mom is so fat and racist...

Her bra size is KKK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6451mq/your_mom_is_so_fat_and_racist/
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Turning water into wine is so first century.

If Jesus wants my attention now, he'd do better turning my liberal arts degree into something useful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/645062/turning_water_into_wine_is_so_first_century/
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What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowtain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644yzy/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_kittens/
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I asked my brother if he could help me think of a synonym for "pamphlet."

"Ya bro sure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644yso/i_asked_my_brother_if_he_could_help_me_think_of_a/
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Why cant a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644w0j/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches_long/
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Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team?

He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644qj8/did_you_hear_about_the_baby_ghost_who_joined_the/
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Did you know there are no Walmarts in Syria?

...only Targets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644q3r/did_you_know_there_are_no_walmarts_in_syria/
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What search engine is best for finding lewd pictures?

Yahooters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644pd5/what_search_engine_is_best_for_finding_lewd/
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Click to find out what kind of motherfucker you are

•
•
You a curious motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644p9e/click_to_find_out_what_kind_of_motherfucker_you/
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Two Old Man's Testicles

One testicle says to the other: "Hey, do you think we'll ever get work again?"
The other says: "Forget about that, look at the joke we're written in! Two old man's testicles? That's low hanging fruit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644o94/two_old_mans_testicles/
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I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred...

Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644knl/i_asked_100_women_which_shampoo_they_preferred/
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I once loved two girls at a time, Kate and Edith

both were mine. I learned what they say is true....... You can't have Kate and Edith too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644j3u/i_once_loved_two_girls_at_a_time_kate_and_edith/
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Today I donated my watch, phone and $500 to a poor guy...

You don't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644gb3/today_i_donated_my_watch_phone_and_500_to_a_poor/
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The two things I hate more than anything are exaggeration and hypothetical situations.

if somebody were to put a gun to my head and try to force me to do either,  I'd tell them to just pull the trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644fyl/the_two_things_i_hate_more_than_anything_are/
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Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny.

Judge: What?
Lawyer: He's in a cent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644ccg/lawyer_my_client_is_trapped_inside_a_penny/
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What did the policeman say to the guy about to jump from a tall building?

You've got a lot of potential!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644bd7/what_did_the_policeman_say_to_the_guy_about_to/
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If you are a man explaining something, you are "mansplaining." If you are a woman explaining something, you are...

"Wrong"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644ayx/if_you_are_a_man_explaining_something_you_are/
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I didn't know I had anything in common with Olive Oil!

We are both extra virgin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/644a6t/i_didnt_know_i_had_anything_in_common_with_olive/
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What do you call a religious man with Parkinson's?

A Quaker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6447xv/what_do_you_call_a_religious_man_with_parkinsons/
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The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6446uv/the_power_of_pepsi/
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I just got electrocuted.

It hertz so bad, Watt do I do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6445on/i_just_got_electrocuted/
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It's rather obvious that dogs can't operate an MRI machine..

But catscan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6443tx/its_rather_obvious_that_dogs_cant_operate_an_mri/
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What did Hitler say after he put on a blindfold?

I can Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6442nc/what_did_hitler_say_after_he_put_on_a_blindfold/
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so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."
the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggling! if you let me film you for a minute and send it to my daughter, i'll let you go with a warning."
the juggler says, "officer, i don't have my equipment with me, i had to ship it seperately." the officer thinks for a minute, and brings back five flares from his car and lights them.
the juggler effortlessly starts to toss and catch the flaming flares and the officer is very impressed.
meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out, stumbles into the back seat of the police car, and closes the door. the officer slowly approaches, hand on his gun, and says "sir, i'm going to have to ask you to slowly step out of the vehicle."
the man looks at the cop and chuckles, his words slurred, "sorry officer but i ain't never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6441yo/so_a_guy_is_speeding_down_a_freeway_miles_above/
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INTERVIEWER: Roger Federer, why do you like Switzerland so much?

RODGER FEDERER: Well the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6441x5/interviewer_roger_federer_why_do_you_like/
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What did Trump say when he couldn't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64413f/what_did_trump_say_when_he_couldnt_find_his_viagra/
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Strike 1 !

People always ask me about my brother who plays in the MLB but they never ask me about two of my other brothers who are both gay . which is sad . They only care about the pitcher but not the catchers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6440h1/strike_1/
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I used to be a well-digger.

I quit because it was boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/643yxq/i_used_to_be_a_welldigger/
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[Long] Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.

When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered.
"Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now."
"I can't believe that,"
Charlie said.
"Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me,
pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that.
He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke
and muttered:
"Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife,
but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/643wal/long_charlie_was_visiting_an_old_friend_and_his/
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What did the impatient barber say to his customer?

I think we need to cut this short

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/643tsl/what_did_the_impatient_barber_say_to_his_customer/
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A boy is playing with a toy train in the living room

He says "ALRIGHT MOTHER FUCKERS! Get on the train dont waste my fucking time! lets GO GO GO!"
The mother hears this and, aghast, says "Johnny! Where did you learn to talk like that! This is totally unacceptable!"
For a time-out she had him sit in the bathroom for 2 hours without his toys to think about what he did wrong.
After his time-out he returned to his toy train and said "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you're having a pleasant evening. Were just about to depart so please be seated. Oh and if you have any questions about the 2 hour delay you can ask the cunt in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/643rz7/a_boy_is_playing_with_a_toy_train_in_the_living/
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Some people like fake butter.

Some men just want to watch the world churn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/643qp5/some_people_like_fake_butter/
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All the great Greek philosophers died as they lived...

A long time ago, and probably in Greece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/643pf0/all_the_great_greek_philosophers_died_as_they/
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A kid and his mom went to go see their grandma

Kid: But mom, I don't want to see grandma!
Mom: Shut up boy, and keep diggin'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/643o4b/a_kid_and_his_mom_went_to_go_see_their_grandma/
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Why is this subreddit like fixing a fence?

Because everyone's always re-posting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/643n3d/why_is_this_subreddit_like_fixing_a_fence/
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Bakers have a weird way of trading bread recipes.

Its done on a knead to know basis. Gotta get the dough somehow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/643l3i/bakers_have_a_weird_way_of_trading_bread_recipes/
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I wonder what it felt like for the guy who first invented the wheel.

He must've known he was gonna be going places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/643fi5/i_wonder_what_it_felt_like_for_the_guy_who_first/
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It's the end of the 2016 presidential race

and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. Tye three candidates would run a lap around the white house and the person with the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, takes 24 minutes. Hillary Clinton goes next and arrives with a time of 14:26. Donald Trump goes last, running as fast as he can, trampling flowers and shrubs in his way in an effort to beat Hillary's time. He finally crosses the finish line at just under 10 minutes.
"Aha!" He exclaims, "That must be some sort of record!"
"I dont think so," says Obama, "Bush did 9:11"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/643dnd/its_the_end_of_the_2016_presidential_race/
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How did you learn archery?

I'm elf-taught.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/643bt1/how_did_you_learn_archery/
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When I was a little kid, I was afraid of the dark.

But then I grew up and saw the electricity bill.
I'm now afraid of light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64396n/when_i_was_a_little_kid_i_was_afraid_of_the_dark/
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Did you hear about the trio who invented rounding?

Three significant figures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64382v/did_you_hear_about_the_trio_who_invented_rounding/
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Hannibal Lecter was late to dinner...

So he was given the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6435o3/hannibal_lecter_was_late_to_dinner/
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One time I got so high,

I was driving around looking for my car keys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6430oc/one_time_i_got_so_high/
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I married my wife for her looks.

Just not the ones she's been giving me lately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642wuf/i_married_my_wife_for_her_looks/
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Woman receives a phone call from local hospital...

"Hello Mrs Smith, this is Dr Trimble calling - I have some good news and bad news for you - which would you like first"? "Well the bad news I guess replies Mrs Smith". "Very well", replies Dr Trimble, "your husband has been in a horrible car accident, he has broken both his legs and arms, his pelvis is shattered and regretfully there is likely irreparable brain damage - needless to say the long term prognosis is stark - I'm afraid he will never walk again, likely never raise his arms again and brain function will be that of an 8 year old. You will have to care for him 24/7 - feed him, bath him, wipe his nose and ass". "My god" replies Mrs Smith "whats the good news?" Dr Trimble replies "I'm joking - he's dead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642wsa/woman_receives_a_phone_call_from_local_hospital/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously not 8, my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642wbo/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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One day a cannibal's cellmate went missing, and he told the warden that he ate him..

The warden didn't believe him, so the cannibal finally threw up his hands out of frustration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642uo5/one_day_a_cannibals_cellmate_went_missing_and_he/
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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642syo/mr_bear_and_mr_rabbit/
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Pregnant

Me: "I don't understand how my wife became pregnant. We haven't had sex for over a year."
Doctor: "It's what we call a grudge pregnancy. Somebody's obviously had it in for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642sy1/pregnant/
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How do you get a guitar player to shut up?

Put sheet music in front of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642ssu/how_do_you_get_a_guitar_player_to_shut_up/
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A car

A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?" The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!" His wife told the cop: "Don't listen to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk".
All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?" A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said: "Are we at the border yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642snn/a_car/
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A man escapes from prison

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642ser/a_man_escapes_from_prison/
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This job isn't for everyone

But hay....it's in my jeans    - The Scarecrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642sef/this_job_isnt_for_everyone/
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Why does everyone enjoy having Helen Keller at bondage parties?

She can never say the safe word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642rbe/why_does_everyone_enjoy_having_helen_keller_at/
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What do you call someone who is prejudiced against half of humanity?

A feminist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642qsi/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_prejudiced/
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What's the worst storage system?

Septic tanks. They're shit storage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642pi2/whats_the_worst_storage_system/
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Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642mz2/police_officer_can_you_identify_yourself_sir/
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A New Radical physicist pressure group has been formed…

Black Matter Lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642l3b/a_new_radical_physicist_pressure_group_has_been/
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USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642kj2/usps_releases_a_stamp_with_trumps_picture/
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The problem with Easter cakes

Is that they take three days to rise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642gt2/the_problem_with_easter_cakes/
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Told my doctor that I was extremely constipated

He told me that I was full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642fom/told_my_doctor_that_i_was_extremely_constipated/
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Auctions

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6429gh/auctions/
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Do you want to hear a joke about a million dollars?

Nah, not like your ever gonna get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/642793/do_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_a_million_dollars/
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The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64222a/the_police_arrested_two_suspicious_men_in_a_car/
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I went to the pool with the local orphanage but none of them would get in the water.

It's like thier parents never taught them to swim. Or something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6421sg/i_went_to_the_pool_with_the_local_orphanage_but/
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My employer has recently started testing their products on animals.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work for a hammer factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/641y76/my_employer_has_recently_started_testing_their/
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My wife is so fat that when she booked a flight they made her have 2 seats.

She was pissed off until I mentioned that she would get 2 meals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/641t1x/my_wife_is_so_fat_that_when_she_booked_a_flight/
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A man was giving good advice for $1

I gave him $1 and he replied," stop wasting money."
WTF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/641o9r/a_man_was_giving_good_advice_for_1/
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Best syrian joke

All jokes Assad, things are getting a bit Syrias

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/641m5m/best_syrian_joke/
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From 1 to 10, how much do you like arguing?

- Can I rate from 1 to 20?
- No.
- Why not?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/641i1g/from_1_to_10_how_much_do_you_like_arguing/
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Why do cows watch pornography?

To get them in the mooooo'd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/641dfs/why_do_cows_watch_pornography/
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What did people sing when Vesuvius erupted???

"First I was afraid, I was petrified..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/641b9m/what_did_people_sing_when_vesuvius_erupted/
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A psychiatrist and their patient were talking.

Psychiatrist: Do you hear any voices in your head?
*tell him no.*
Patient: No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/641b77/a_psychiatrist_and_their_patient_were_talking/
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How does a robot avoid getting caught for public masturbation?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/641aqr/how_does_a_robot_avoid_getting_caught_for_public/
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Man and wife work in glorious Soviet tractor factory. One day, they get tired from building communism, so go into city to stand in bread line

. They hire babysitter to watch over children for night. Babysitter left with children in proud Soviet home. Tells parents will take good care.
Father get call from babysitter after a few hours. Babysitter tell father that children reading Marx like good Soviets, but room is drafty because there are no windows. Asks father if okay to move children to parents' room to read Marx. Father says okay, but babysitter have one final request. She ask if can cover up Lenin statue in room because it is frightening her. Father drop phone (should have worn gloves), then tell babysitter, "Take children and get out of house. We do not have Lenin statue!"
Mother and father race home to find KGB at house. KGB arrest babysitter for finding Lenin statue frightening, then arrest parents for not having Lenin statue.
Such is life in Moscow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6413fm/man_and_wife_work_in_glorious_soviet_tractor/
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LOOKING FOR ONE NIGHT STAND!

Maybe even two, I have a lot of books!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6412xp/looking_for_one_night_stand/
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What does a slutty horse wear on its hooves?

Whoreshoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6412mp/what_does_a_slutty_horse_wear_on_its_hooves/
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My sister came home today and said "they have this great new machine at the gym.."

"it's got Malteasers, Twix, sodas, you name it!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64125k/my_sister_came_home_today_and_said_they_have_this/
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You disturbed the first part of this funeral.

Just let us do the rest in peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6411wt/you_disturbed_the_first_part_of_this_funeral/
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What's a difference between the porn I watch and Call of Duty?

One has screaming 10 year old boys and the other is Call of Duty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/640z05/whats_a_difference_between_the_porn_i_watch_and/
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Before my buddy died I asked him if there was football in heaven.

A few days later I saw his ghost. He said
"Good news, there is. Bad news, you're playing in goal tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/640y9n/before_my_buddy_died_i_asked_him_if_there_was/
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Everyone pees in the pool...

But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/640v7x/everyone_pees_in_the_pool/
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I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey

But I've turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/640tkx/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first asks for a pint of blood.
The second asks for blood on the rocks.
The third asks for hot water and as the bartender is about to ask why the vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm just gonna have a tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/640slh/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 cent ft. Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/640s58/what_concert_only_costs_45_cents/
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A man walks into a psychic barber shop

Barber: say no more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/640qtb/a_man_walks_into_a_psychic_barber_shop/
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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/640n00/two_engineers_were_standing_at_the_base_of_a/
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Fatal Attraction

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”
He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck reverse piked with a double twist. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, “That was incredible!”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No.” she said, “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/640ly9/fatal_attraction/
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Breast cancer awareness has pink ribbons, but what does alcoholism awareness have?

Bruises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/640k27/breast_cancer_awareness_has_pink_ribbons_but_what/
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What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?

One dumbass who never pulls out in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/640hrf/what_does_a_burnt_pizza_a_frozen_beer_and_a/
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I'm not passive aggressive,

Unlike *some* people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/640eu6/im_not_passive_aggressive/
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I don't know how people in the counter-top business make any money

Everything they do is counter-productive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/640ehl/i_dont_know_how_people_in_the_countertop_business/
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The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's proposed health care package to replace Obama-Care.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves and while the Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain that everyone was laboring under a misconception while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" so  the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" In addition, the Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness but the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing but the Internists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow and while the Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter, Podiatrists thought it was a step forward and the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Finally, the Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, but those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end would you believe,  the Proctologists won and left the entire decision to those assholes in Washington

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/640cfk/the_american_medical_association_has_weighed_in/
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The Tale of Ono Balono, the Master of Wit and Repartee [NSFW]

One day, on his way home, John noticed a poster announcing that there was a circus coming to town. John was ecstatic, he loved the circus. He liked the lions, the tigers and the trapeze and especially the clowns. John loved the clowns.
John walked straight to ticket office, where the circus was setting up, and bought front row seats for each of the three nights the circus was in town. The first show night was the next day, and everyone John met he told how excited he was. He enthusiasm for the lions, the tigers and the trapeze was obvious, but when he spoke about the clowns and their antics it was obvious that John loved the clowns.
John managed not to explode with excitement and eventually took up his front row seat at the opening night.
The lions were fantastic, the tigers roared and thrilled and the trapeze artists seemed to fly through the air.
The clowns arrived and John was in tears because he laughed so much at their antics, the silly costumes with big feet, the car that fell apart and the mess and pies in the face. As the clown's act was coming to a close a new clown entered the ring, one with a huge red nose. Spotlights played over the crowd and slowly, one by one they stopped on John. As the last one stopped a murmur went round the crown, and as the clown with the big red nose approached the audience became silent.
"Are you the front end of an ass?" The clown asked John.
"No!" came the reply.
"Are you the rear end of an ass?" The clown probed further.
"No?" Said John.
"Then, ladies and gentlemen," said the clown turning to the audience, "you must be no end of and ass".
The audience thought this was hilarious. John was very upset and left the circus in tears.
As he was walking home Dave, his friend, spotted him crying. Dave asked what was wrong.
John explained about the circus and how much he liked it, especially the clowns. He said that tonight's performance had been great, until the end. He told Dave about the lions, the tigers, the trapeze artists and, John's favorite, the clowns.
John then told Dave about the incident with the clown with the big red nose, about how he had asked if John was the front end of and ass, the back end of an ass and had tricked him. He told about the soul shattering moment when everyone had laughed at John for being no end of an ass.
"You should see Ono Balono, The Master of Wit and Repartee," said Dave.
"Oh, he's a very important and busy man, I wouldn't want to trouble him, “replied John.
Besides, John thought, tomorrow would be someone else's turn and he cheered up as he began looking forward to the next day’s performance.
The next day, John took his seat. The lions were fantastic, the tigers roared and thrilled and the trapeze artists seemed to fly through the air.
The clowns arrived and John laughed their antics, the silly costumes with big feet, the car that fell apart and the mess and pies in the face. Once again, as the clown's act was coming to a close a new clown entered the ring, the one with the huge red nose. Spotlights played over the crowd and slowly, to John's horror, one by one they stopped on him. As the last one stopped a murmur went round the crowd, the big red nosed clown approached.
"Are you the front end of an ass?" The clown asked John.
"No," trembled John.
"Are you the rear end of an ass?" The clown probed further.
"No," he sobbed, as his mind froze.
"Then, ladies and gentlemen," said the clown turning to the audience, "you must be no end of and ass".
On his way home, again in tears, Dave spotted him and asked if the same had happened again. John sobbed out the story and Dave took him to see Ono Balono, The Master of Wit and Repartee.
Dave knocked at the door, and with reverence John entered the home of Ono Balono, The Master of Wit and Repartee. John explained his problem and after several moments Ono Balono spoke.
"I will come with you to the final performance" he announced.
On the last night, John took his seat, reassured that next to him was Ono Balono, The Master of Wit and Repartee. The lions were fantastic, the tigers roared and thrilled and the trapeze artists seemed to fly through the air.
The clowns arrived and John laughed their antics. Again, as the clown's act was coming to a close a the clown with the big red nose entered the ring. Spotlights played over the crowd and slowly, one by one they stopped on John.
The clown with the big red nose approached with an evil grin on his face.
"Are you the front end of an ass?" The clown asked John.
John looked at Ono Balono and he nodded for John to continue
"No."
"Are you the rear end of an ass?" The clown sneered.
Again John looked to Ono Balono and again he was encouraged to continue
"No."
Before the clown could reply Ono Balono, The Master of Wit and Repartee, stood. The crowd strained to hear the wisdom of The Master, everyone knew of his magnificent wit and repartee.
Ono Balono very slowly extended a finger to point at the clown and slowly, carefully and quietly spoke the words;
"Fuck off big nose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6409zh/the_tale_of_ono_balono_the_master_of_wit_and/
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What do you call a rapper whose half black and half white?

50 percent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6406zn/what_do_you_call_a_rapper_whose_half_black_and/
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Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/64048i/gay_parents_are_awesome/
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The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63zxbe/the_surgeon_general_warns_do_not_run_while/
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Do you know what's unnatural in the eyes of God?

Contact lenses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63zvao/do_you_know_whats_unnatural_in_the_eyes_of_god/
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How warm is the inside of a tauntaun?

Luke-warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63zul0/how_warm_is_the_inside_of_a_tauntaun/
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My girlfriend is like a good carpenter

No wood gets wasted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63zuc0/my_girlfriend_is_like_a_good_carpenter/
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There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true!

I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63zsms/theres_a_stereotype_that_scottish_men_are_bad_at/
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Super fast Nano

A tata nano breaks down on a roadside. A BMW 750Li stops to help the driver.
"I will tow you to the next service station, but if I drive too fast please flash your lights."
They start up slowly but only a km or so down the line a Porsche speeds pas 150km/hour.
The BMW driver totally forgets about the Nano and guns it after the Porsche.
Just as all 3 of them tear through a speed trap, the cop radios the HQ,"  calling all stations: you won't believe this, I just saw a BMW and a Porsche racing past about 190km/hour with a Nano behind them flashing its lights to overtake."
(Nano is the cheapest car)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63zqmc/super_fast_nano/
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I'm always one step ahead

Which makes me a really bad dancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63zqej/im_always_one_step_ahead/
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Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

It also gets you removed from your local gym.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63znt5/banging_your_head_against_a_wall_burns_150/
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This joke is like kids with cancer.

Never gets old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63z968/this_joke_is_like_kids_with_cancer/
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I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.

Just four sheets and goggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63z8r2/im_going_to_open_up_a_store_that_only_sells_two/
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Butch, Jimmy, and Joe go on a camping trip.

Butch and Jimmy are collecting firewood when out of nowhere, a venomous snake bites Jimmy on the tip of his penis.
Jimmy: "I'm bit! It got my penis - oh my god, what do I do?!"
Butch: "Joe will know what to do! I'll go ask him!"
Butch rushes back to their campsite and finds Joe. He explains to Joe what has happened.
Joe: "Alright, in order to save Jimmy's life, you'll have to suck the venom straight out of the site of the wound. Got it?
Butch: "Yeah, I understand."
Joe: "Go! Hurry!"
Jimmy sees Butch come running and asks "So? What did Joe say?!"
Butch replies, "Joe says you're gonna die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63z842/butch_jimmy_and_joe_go_on_a_camping_trip/
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Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke

He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.
He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?". The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie.".
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? ".
Sure says the other man.
"Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing".
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants.
The man says " I want a Million Bucks ".
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head.
And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?".
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63z7q1/two_men_were_out_fishing_when_one_decides_to_have/
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My girlfriend told me she's leaving me because I'm too cocky.

I told her to close the door on her way back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63z5ad/my_girlfriend_told_me_shes_leaving_me_because_im/
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How do you get America to join a World War?

Tell them it's almost over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63yte2/how_do_you_get_america_to_join_a_world_war/
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i lost my watch at a party once

after an hour of looking for it i saw a man stepping on it whilst sexually harassing a girl. i walked up to the man and punched him straight in the nose, nobody does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ysv5/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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Forrest Gump passed away

... And he is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it is certainly good to see ye. We hath heard much of you.  I must inform thee that Heaven is filling up fast, and we hath been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests art fairly short, but thou must pass them before ye may enter."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here St.Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever done told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it were."
St. Peter goes on, "Yea, I know Forrest, but the test I have for thee art only these three questions:
1.   What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2.   How many seconds art there in a year?
3.   What is God's first name?
So, how answereth thee?"
Forrest slowly screwed up his face in a way that Peter could only concieve to be anticipation, and replied, "Well, the first one - how many days of the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
Peter's eyes open wide and he exclaims,  "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but....thou hast a point, and I assume I did not specify, so I shall give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St.Peter. "How many seconds are within a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded St. Peter exclaimes, "Twelve!? Twelve!?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could thou come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....." "Stay," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where thou goest with this. And I guess I see thy point, though that was not quite what I had in mind, but I shall give thee credit for that one, as well. Let us go on with the next and final question. Can thou tell me the Almighty God's first name?"
"Shore thing," said Gump. "It's Andy!"
OK, OK," said a frustrated St.Peter, "I guess I may understand how thou didst come up with thy answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did thou come up with the name Andy as the first name of God??"
"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song..... "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I'm his'own!"
As Peter grit his teeth, the Angels did cry out: "Run Forrest, run!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63yskh/forrest_gump_passed_away/
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Guy A-"I was born in California."

Guy B- "Which part?"
Guy A- "All of me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63yrt5/guy_ai_was_born_in_california/
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Son to father, "What would you say if I said I found your missing cat"

Dad- "Well I'd have to say, that's puuuurfect son!"
Son- "Even if I said it had been in a hairy situation?"
Dad- "Of course, I just wanna hold him right meow!"
Son- "Sure, I'll get him for you in a second, but first, wanna know something dad?"
Dad- "Sure, knowing things is paws-itively great son!"
Son- "Your cat died because it was old,  just like your fucking jokes, dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ypny/son_to_father_what_would_you_say_if_i_said_i/
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I've just opened a casino for dogs.

They can play roulette, poker, blackjack and a host of other games all under one roof.
They have to go outside for craps though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ynk1/ive_just_opened_a_casino_for_dogs/
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Trump Today

:
Missile #1: "You're fired!"
Missile #2: "You're fired!"
Missile #3: "You're fired!"
And so on 56 more times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63yi2x/trump_today/
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Which wizard would be the worst professor?

Gandalf, because YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63yhgh/which_wizard_would_be_the_worst_professor/
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I walked in on my wife cheating on me

She said it hurt her more then it hurt me.  I told her she couldn't possibly know the pain I was in. She replied, "You didn't see how big his dick was."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63yf6d/i_walked_in_on_my_wife_cheating_on_me/
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The most difficult actors to work with are children and animals

Especially in pornography

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ydwc/the_most_difficult_actors_to_work_with_are/
%
What happens to the cannibal when he's late for dinner?

He gets the cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63yadg/what_happens_to_the_cannibal_when_hes_late_for/
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Why was the Indian named Brown Behind?

Because he had no TP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63y9su/why_was_the_indian_named_brown_behind/
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My wife applied for the bearded woman circus attraction

I explained the position requires her to be a woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63y6tl/my_wife_applied_for_the_bearded_woman_circus/
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What did Assad and Custer say?

"Where the fuck did all these Tomahawks come from"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63y6dr/what_did_assad_and_custer_say/
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One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke.
If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said, "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63y4nt/one_day_a_redhead_a_brunette_and_a_blonde_were_on/
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What did Russia say after Trump bombed Syria?

"This is Syria's business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63y1ef/what_did_russia_say_after_trump_bombed_syria/
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So a guy walks into a bar

He walks up to the bartender and orders ten of the best top shelf whiskey shots the bartender has to offer. The bartender pours the shots and as soon as he sets them down the guy starts slamming them. The bartender say slow down man and the guy says if you had what I have you would be drinking fast too. The bartender says what do you have and the guy says about seventy five cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63y0lb/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss earlier...

"Just pop it in the corner" he said
It took me five fucking hours!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63xx68/where_do_you_want_this_big_roll_of_bubble_wrap_i/
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A guy on reddit yelled at me today because I reposted something.

I thought: Geez, like I've never heard *that* before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63xwzv/a_guy_on_reddit_yelled_at_me_today_because_i/
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My friend said cancer was nothing to joke about

I found that statement rather tumorous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63xrsa/my_friend_said_cancer_was_nothing_to_joke_about/
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An Interview

INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength?
ME: Shapeshifting
INTERVIEWER: Is that so?
INTERVIEWER: Yes
INTERVIEWER: Holy shit
Source: @AndyAsAdjective on Twitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63xpr2/an_interview/
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Where is God?

This is an old joke that an Irish Catholic priest once told in Church.
There were two brothers, about 8 and 10, and bad. Really bad. Anything that went missing from a yard or a convenience store, any cat hit with a Bebe gun, any stolen lunch money could be traced back to these two kids.
The parents tried EVERYTHING. Punishment, grounding, counseling, even military school, but nothing worked. Finally, on their last legs they decide to send him to the church. They explain the situation to the very large, very angry, fire and brimstone priest, who tells them to send the boys over one at a time, staring with the youngest...at 6:30am.
The boy sleepily lumbers into the office of the priest and plops unceremoniously into the chair. The priest eyes him up and then sneers "where is God?"
The boy stares blankly, but a trace of confusion inches across his face.
Louder, the priest says accusingly *"Where is God?"*
The boy is now genuinely confused.
The priest slams his fists on the desk in front of the boy and bellows ***"WHERE IS GOD?!"***
The boy leaps out of his seat, and races out the door. He doesn't stop running until he gets into his house, races up to his room and shakes his still sleeping brother awake. The roused boy angrily asks what's wrong.
Gasping for breath, his brother stammers "God's missing and they think we done it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63xmiz/where_is_god/
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Why don't people with foot fetishes mind being on the losing side of a battle?

They like the taste of defeat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63xlm6/why_dont_people_with_foot_fetishes_mind_being_on/
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Use culminate in a sentence

Guy hitting on girl.
Guy: Hi I'm Nathan, but you can culminate. Here's my number, if I don't pick up, you can just always culminator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63xjtc/use_culminate_in_a_sentence/
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Whiteboards...

...they're remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63xdsi/whiteboards/
%
What dog breed will always leave you behind?

A ciao ciao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63xdg4/what_dog_breed_will_always_leave_you_behind/
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Young Indian Brave.

Once there was a young Indian Brave who could never do anything right. After years of being teased by the Tribe he had enough and wanted out. He went to the Chief and told him he no longer wanted to be part of the Tribe. Puzzled, the great old Chief said that no one but Death had ever left the tribe. And that he would have to console with him overnight for advice. The next day the Chief said to the Brave that you must successfully perform three feats before you can get out of the Tribe. First, cross the crazy creek that is full of alligators. Second you must climb the mountain and pull out an abscessed tooth out of the Great Bear. Third you must go to the red tepee, and sexually satisfy the squaw who's never been satisfied. The young brave thought it over and a look of determination ran across his face. Off he went with the tribe cheering him on. Screaming and running he crossed the crazy creek with gators chomping and hissing all around him. Stopping only briefly to catch his breath he looked up at that big mountain and fiercely ran towards it. Several days pass by and the tribe begins to worry for their young brave. Then one day on the horizon a shadow appears. The young brave has returned! But he is beaten and bloody. Almost falling down he begs for a buffalo water bag and takes a big gulp of cold water. After a few seconds, he yells proudly at the tribe a question. Now, where's this squaw with an abscessed tooth?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63xcek/young_indian_brave/
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A huge man walks into a bar.

A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."
The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63x9mw/a_huge_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A guy walks into a brothel...

tells the Madame I only have $20 what the best I can get? Madame says go to room 7. Guy goes to room - opens door and sees a chicken - figures ok, whatever, I'll fuck the chicken. Afterwards he thinks to himself - not bad actually.  Shows back up 2 weeks later - tells Madame I've only got $10 - what's the best I can get?  she sends him to room 8. He Walks in and sees a bunch of men watching a couple having sex on floor - he turns to the guy beside him and says "not bad for 10 bucks eh?" the guy turns to him and says you think this is good you should've been here two weeks ago they had some idiot in there fucking a chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63x7l9/a_guy_walks_into_a_brothel/
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A Scotsman moves to the United States and watches his first baseball game

When a runner hits a ground ball he watches everyone yelling for the player to run, when next player does the same thing he joins in. The next goes up to bat and he gets three balls and a strike. The last pitch is a ball and the player drops his bat and starts to walk to first base. The Scotsman yells "Wot are ye dewin, run it oot laddie!", a guy in the stands explains to him "he doesn't have to run, he's got 4 balls", the Scotsman looks at him wide eyed and turns back to the player yelling "Walk with pride laddie! Walk with pride!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63x6le/a_scotsman_moves_to_the_united_states_and_watches/
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There once was a man from Bel-Air

Who screwed his wife on the stair.
The bannister broke,
So he quickened his stroke,
And finished her off in the air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63x46x/there_once_was_a_man_from_belair/
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A crab, a lobster, a dolphin...

and a Japanese dude run over by a truck.  Which one doesn't match up?
[The dolphin.  The other three are all crustaceans/crushed Asians](#s)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63x3ds/a_crab_a_lobster_a_dolphin/
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Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63x328/why_did_the_koala_fall_out_of_the_tree/
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My friend killed himself the other day... swallowed everything in his bathroom cabinet.

He choked on a tampon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63x2zj/my_friend_killed_himself_the_other_day_swallowed/
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What's the best part about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63x2mj/whats_the_best_part_about_dating_a_homeless_girl/
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I got tired of my life being sad and depressed so I turned it around.

Now I'm depressed and sad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63x2eb/i_got_tired_of_my_life_being_sad_and_depressed_so/
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What do old people taste like?

Depends...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63x0ow/what_do_old_people_taste_like/
%
I saw four gangsters beating up on a kid

I decided to help. He didn't stand a chance against five of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63wzls/i_saw_four_gangsters_beating_up_on_a_kid/
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A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and exclaims "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"

Psychiatrist says "Calm down! You're two tents!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63wvdm/a_guy_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_and/
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A man goes to the doctor for a physical.

The doctor tells him, "You have to stop masturbating."
The man says, "Why?"
The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63wu3t/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_physical/
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The importance of grammar

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63wtvv/the_importance_of_grammar/
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Nintendo was going to convert a car factory to manufacture their new console.

But the factory owner didn't want to make the switch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63wrvc/nintendo_was_going_to_convert_a_car_factory_to/
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Two hungry homeless guys are walking on a railroad...

They find a dead coyote, split in half, it's guts spilled out with maggots crawling on them. The first homeless guy says, "man I haven't ate in like 6 days, I'm going to dig in, do you want some?"
The second Homeless guy replies, "No thanks." So the first homeless man bends down and starts shoveling chunks of coyote into his mouth until he's full.
A few hours later the first homeless guy says, "Oh man, I'm not feeling so well," and proceeds to vomit the coyote chunks on the ground. The second Homeless guy goes over to the puddle of vomit and begins eating it.
"I thought you weren't hungry?" The first homeless guy says.
The second replies, "well I didn't want to eat it cold."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63wnfy/two_hungry_homeless_guys_are_walking_on_a_railroad/
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In Germany the grown ups are kind...

...but the children are kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63wmk1/in_germany_the_grown_ups_are_kind/
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A woman comes into the ER with a blood pH of 10. How does the doctor diagnose her?

A basic bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63wgtv/a_woman_comes_into_the_er_with_a_blood_ph_of_10/
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Donald Trump Michael Jackson and Snoop Dog are on a plane

Donald Trump, Michael Jackson any Snoop Dog are on a plane with 3 boys from make-a-wish foundation the pilot yells back the plane is going down and that there are only 3 parachutes. Snoop says "give them to the children. Trump yells "fuck the children". Michael Jackson look around and asks "but do we have time..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63wfws/donald_trump_michael_jackson_and_snoop_dog_are_on/
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An Englishman, an Irishman and an American are stood at the top of the Empire State Building.

The American tells the other two "I don't know if you've heard this. But if you down 6 beers from your homeland, you can jump off of this building, fly around it, and then land safely right back here".
The Irishman doesn't believe the American, replying "Get off it, what a load of old shite"
The American says "Fine, if you don't believe me, watch this." He takes out a pack of 6 buds from his bag, and downs them one after the other. Stepping to the edge of the balcony, he lets himself fall off, then miraculously flies around the building before safely landing back where he started.
The Irishman is absolutely bewildered and can't wait to try. Telling the other two he'll be straight back after going to get some Guinness. The American came prepared however, knowing the Irishman would want to try.
The Irishman downs his 6 cans of Guinness, and runs to the edge, flinging himself off at full speed before falling horribly to his death.
The Englishman then looks at the American and says "You know what Superman, you can be a right horrible bastard after a drink".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63we7w/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_an_american_are/
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Optimist: Glass half full

Pessimist : Glass half empty
Engineer: Glass is too tall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63wdn0/optimist_glass_half_full/
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From what I hear, puberty is the biggest trend nowadays

All the kids are doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63wddz/from_what_i_hear_puberty_is_the_biggest_trend/
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What kind of exercises do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63wcek/what_kind_of_exercises_do_lazy_people_do/
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There was a girl at the lecture..

She was watching porn, but I could tell from her facial expression she didn't enjoyed it. She more like despised it and probably thought “I don't accept this, it cheapens women!".  She looked so angry that I turned towards her and said “If you don't like it, no-one is making you watch it. So please stop staring my screen.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63waef/there_was_a_girl_at_the_lecture/
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I cheated on you

She: "I cheated on you"
He: "Me too"
She: "April, 1"
He: "March, 20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63w8ro/i_cheated_on_you/
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How do you get a procrastinator off of Reddit?

There is no punchline I actually need help please I have a 10 page paper due at midnight someone help please

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63w222/how_do_you_get_a_procrastinator_off_of_reddit/
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Today I decided to upgrade my Mac...

...so I threw a big slice of cheese on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63w1w6/today_i_decided_to_upgrade_my_mac/
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What is a chromosome's favorite article of clothing?

a pair of genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63vzok/what_is_a_chromosomes_favorite_article_of_clothing/
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What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?

A canoe tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63vyry/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_canoe/
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How do you make a dead cat float?

Use one can of root beer and two scoops of dead cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63vwph/how_do_you_make_a_dead_cat_float/
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A man walking on the beach...

...notices a man lying butt naked and a blind girl sitting next to him and tapping his butts. The man curiously asks her what she was doing, to which she responds "can't you see? I am playing the drums".
The man then pulls down his pants and lies down next to the girl and asks her "have you ever played a flute?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63vu7x/a_man_walking_on_the_beach/
%
I admitted to my parents that I had sex in their bed.

"Someone has to," replied my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63vu7g/i_admitted_to_my_parents_that_i_had_sex_in_their/
%
I was absolutely shocked when my wife fell down a wishing well...

I never believed that those things worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63vrpa/i_was_absolutely_shocked_when_my_wife_fell_down_a/
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I've decided I need to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough…

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63vr5c/ive_decided_i_need_to_quit_my_job_as_a_personal/
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What did the sexual deviant hydrogen say to the oxygen?

Do you like bondage?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63vla3/what_did_the_sexual_deviant_hydrogen_say_to_the/
%
Why did Barbie never have kids?

Because Ken came in a different box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63vf1v/why_did_barbie_never_have_kids/
%
Billy's mom comes home to see him crying...

Billy, what's wrong son?
Dad hanged himself in the attic!  replied Billy,  "eyes in tears".
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic she notices that nothing is there and little Billy started giggling...
HaHaHa!  April fool's mommy!!!
He hanged himself in the basement!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ve3r/billys_mom_comes_home_to_see_him_crying/
%
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63v6r3/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_are_seated_next_to_each/
%
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single
banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped into the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63v6hk/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
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[nsfw] Threw my friend a surprise bukkake party.

Everyone came, you should have seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63v5zy/nsfw_threw_my_friend_a_surprise_bukkake_party/
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A Roman walks into a bar...

He says to the bartender "I'll have a martinus."
The bartender looks at him funny and asks "You mean martini?"
The Roman says "No. If I wanted a double I would have asked for it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63v5tg/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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You think you're special because you suddenly don't identify as male or female?

The Siberian Orchestra has identified as 'trans' for over 20 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63v0rd/you_think_youre_special_because_you_suddenly_dont/
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Having sex while camping is...

Fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63uzms/having_sex_while_camping_is/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me for talking about video games too much...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63uytp/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_for_talking_about/
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An old rancher is talking about politics with a young man from the city...

He compares Trump to a "post turtle". The young man doesn't understand and asks him what a post turtle is.
The old man says, "When you're driving down a country road and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get up there by himself. He doesn't belong there; you wonder who put him there; he can't get anything done while he's up there; and you just want to help the poor, dumb thing down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ux1f/an_old_rancher_is_talking_about_politics_with_a/
%
What would the world be like without women?

A real pain in the ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63uwtl/what_would_the_world_be_like_without_women/
%
Dark humor is like food

not everyone in the world gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63uvn9/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
How much free space does the EU have since Great Britain left?

1 GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63utij/how_much_free_space_does_the_eu_have_since_great/
%
What is the military term for premature ejaculation?

Dishonorable discharge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ury0/what_is_the_military_term_for_premature/
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What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ur78/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_man_backwards/
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Jesus take the wheel...

Carlos take the stereo, I'll take the lookout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63uqjl/jesus_take_the_wheel/
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I love the smell of my F5 key.

It's so refreshing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63uooj/i_love_the_smell_of_my_f5_key/
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Deathbed Distribution

Doug Pinder is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pinder, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "The big shot had a paper route.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ulpw/deathbed_distribution/
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A man spends his life working and living in New York and retires to the remote wilderness of Alaska...

His house is in the middle of nowhere. He had been living there for months and getting lonely when one day he was out on his property and a man came out of the woods...
"Hello there!" called the man, "Hows it going? You must be new to these parts."
"Yes I am" replied the retiree. "Do you live around here?" He asked the man.
"Oh yeah, I'm your neighbor about 2 acres over. Bet you didnt even know you had neighbors!"
"Sure didn't" says the retiree.
"Well" says the man, "I came by to invite you to a little party I'm having tomorrow night."
"Really" says the retiree, "that sounds great. What is going on at the party?"
"Well there is gonna be some chattin" says the neighbor.
"Good," says the man, "I haven't had a decent conversation in a while.
"There is gonna be some drinkin" says the neighbor.
"Great, I have a bottle of scotch I have been saving." Says the retiree.
"Probably gonna be some fightin" says the neighbor.
"Its been a while, but I've been known to hold my own." Says the retiree.
"...and there's gonna be some fuckin" says the neighbor.
"Oh well great!" says the retiree, "I've been up here alone for some time and I could use a good lay. What should I wear?"
The neighbor says, "Don't much matter. Just gonna be you and me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ul2k/a_man_spends_his_life_working_and_living_in_new/
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What do Princess Diana and Champagne have in common?

Both come from France in a wooden box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ujwz/what_do_princess_diana_and_champagne_have_in/
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One of the best things in life is waking up next to somebody;

Unless you are in prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ugs1/one_of_the_best_things_in_life_is_waking_up_next/
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Bush , Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and went to hell.

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally Bush  gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ubpy/bush_queen_elizabeth_and_vladimir_putin_all_died/
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My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63uagz/my_girlfriend_yelled_at_me_today_saying_you/
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What do light beer and sex in a canoe have in common?

They're both fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63u9dm/what_do_light_beer_and_sex_in_a_canoe_have_in/
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What's the difference between Humor and Odor?

Humor is a shift of wit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63u8rv/whats_the_difference_between_humor_and_odor/
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Is it normal

If one of my testicles hangs lower than the other two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63u2jx/is_it_normal/
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A young couple, just married, were...

in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on, but they were way too big.
"I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on, and they were way to thin.
"Hell," he said, "I can't get into your panties."
She replied, "That's right, and it's going to be that way till your attitude changes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63u05r/a_young_couple_just_married_were/
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Fuck, got some shitty news today..

Found out that cock fighting is done with roosters.
Six months of training wasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tyq9/fuck_got_some_shitty_news_today/
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Two wise men arrive at the stable in Bethlehem.

They enter and find Joseph and Mary with their newborn son. The first wise man approaches Joseph and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of frankincense. Joseph graciously accepts it, saying how blessed they are. The second wise man approaches and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of myrrh. Mary accepts the myrrh, with a tear of joy rolling down her face. Everyone looks at each other, followed by an awkward pause. Joseph breaks the silence.
Joseph: "Well?"
Wiseman1: "Well what?"
Joseph: "Where's the third one?"
Wiseman2: "The third what?"
Joseph: "The third wise man. There's supposed to be three of you."
Wiseman1: "I assure you, I don't know what you're talking about. There are only two of us."
Joseph: "Everyone knows there are supposed to be three wise men."
Wiseman2: "We have traveled long and far to present you with these gifts. Your son is destined to be the messiah. Please, if we have offended you, it was not our intention."
"That's it," Joseph yells, throwing down the jar of frankincense, spilling it across the floor. "I'm not finishing this joke until someone gives me gold."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63twsb/two_wise_men_arrive_at_the_stable_in_bethlehem/
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I led my friend to a group of women.

I tapped one on the shoulder and said to him, "This is my girlfriend. She's an actor."
She said, "I'm not your fucking girlfriend!"
I said, "See! Isn't she great at her job?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tws8/i_led_my_friend_to_a_group_of_women/
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What do you get when you cross a sheep with a porcupine?

An animal that knits its own sweaters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tw88/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_sheep_with_a/
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Joker: "Hey Bats, Wanna hear a joke?"

Batman: "Sure"
Joker: "Parental Love"
Batman: "I don't get it"
Joker: "Exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tvhg/joker_hey_bats_wanna_hear_a_joke/
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I was flying by myself on an airplane

I take my seat and a stranger sits next to me and he says,
"Hi, my name is Phil. I really dislike flying, so if it's okay I'd like to hold a conversation with you on this flight to take my mind off of flying"
"Sure, what would you like to talk about?" I said
Phil replied "oh I don't know, how about rocket science?"
"Let me ask you something" I said " how come when rabbits go to the bathroom they leave really small pellets? Why do horses leave much larger pellets, and why do cows leaves really big patties on the ground?"
Phil looked puzzled and said "I don't know..."
I laughed "Then how do you​ expect to hold a conversation about rocket science, when you don't even know shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tv0y/i_was_flying_by_myself_on_an_airplane/
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I like my violence like I like my beer

Domestic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tuex/i_like_my_violence_like_i_like_my_beer/
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Private Snafu joins the army.

Always last in line for mess, roll or runs, he was also last in line when they passed out equipment. When he gets to the guy handing out guns, the box is empty.
"What the hell am I supposed to do without a gun?!" Snafu asks.
The warren officer thinks for a second. Picking up a mop, he begins to saw off the handle. "Snafu, war is about mind over matter. You just have to make the enemy think you're killing them." Handing him the mop handle, "What you have to do is point this at the jerrys and shout "Bang-ity! Bang-ity!" They'll drop like flies."
Snafu was leery, but was also late to get his bayonet.
Once again, out of bayonets. The warren officer picks up a broom and starts cutting off a short piece of the handle. "It's the truth, Snafu. Poke em with this and yell "Stab-ity! Stab-ity!" They'll fall down, holding their guts."
Snafu knew they were full of crap, until that fateful day. Deployed for the Battle of Knob Hill.
He and his platoon were holed down by two Nazi machine gun nests. The fighting was furious! His buddies were falling left and right! With no recourse, Snafu leaned out of his foxhole and started yelling "Bang-ity! Bang-ity! Bang-ity!"
Suddenly, the machine gun went quite. He pointed it at the few last Germans and yelled "Bang-ity! Bang-ity!" And they screamed and fell. It was working! He kept it up as both sides died. "Bang-ity! Bang-ity!!"
After an hour of this, there were only two men left on the field, himself and one big German walking toward him. "Bang-ity! Bang-ity!" Nothing. Snafu tried again. "Bang-ity! Bang-ity!" But still nothing. Standing and screaming, Snafu charged the krout. "Stab-ity! Stab-ity!" he jabbed away. Still, nothing. Slowly, the fellow stepped on his foot, walked up and across him and crushed the air out of him. Nearly killing him, the German walked on and left him in the mud, bleeding and struggling for air.
When the medics found him laying broken in the field, they leaned in close and asked what happened to him.
Snafu whispered with his last breath...."He was saying "Tank-ity. Tank-ity. Tank-ity."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tt9x/private_snafu_joins_the_army/
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An Irishman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman walk into a bar

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tqs3/an_irishman_a_scotsman_and_an_englishman_walk/
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A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So the horse realizes he is beginning to get good at the guitar. He starts learning his favorite songs, and it gets to the point that his friends encourage him to start playing live. So he starts playing guitar at various clubs, performing covers of The Strokes and Radiohead. His favorite song to cover was Beck's "Loser". Eventually, he got bored of playing alone. He felt limited by his instrument. He recruited his friends to form a band; a chicken that played bass, a pig that played drums, and a cow that sang. Now they had a full band, and they called themselves "The Animals". They began practicing in the horse's garage, and they began writing their own songs. After a couple years playing gigs in the local bars, they meet the Lamb, who had some basic recording equipment. He helps them cut a few demos, and he sends them around to the minor labels. They get picked up by Barnyard Records, and they began recording an album. It gets released, and it becomes popular in the musical underground. However, the Horse began getting cocky. He started drinking, and he began verbally abusing members of the band when they messed up during rehearsals. Eventually, the rest of the band had enough and asked him to leave. Feeling betrayed by his own friends, yet guilty for having caused his own suffering, he heads to the bar to drink his problems away. The horse enters the bar, and the bartender asks "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tpzj/a_horse_begins_learning_the_guitar_as_a_teenager/
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What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?

sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tp7c/what_kind_of_shoes_do_ninjas_wear/
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Donald Trump has a heart attack and goes to hell...

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you, I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place," said the Devil
The devil opened the door to the first room: in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over.
"No!" Donald said. "I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room: Ronald Reagan with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my back" commented The Donald.
The devil opened a third door. In the room Trump saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief & said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
"OK Monica. You're free to go".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tmdx/donald_trump_has_a_heart_attack_and_goes_to_hell/
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Dogs are the best. I have a lab.

It's a meth lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tm24/dogs_are_the_best_i_have_a_lab/
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Whats the difference between America and Germany?

Germany has less Nazis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tjos/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_germany/
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A man walks into the library...

And asks the librarian if they have the book for guys with small penises.
"I don't think it's in yet..."
"Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63thb8/a_man_walks_into_the_library/
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Why don't women stay long in prison?

As soon as they have their period they are let out.
Everyone knows a period comes at the end of a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63th14/why_dont_women_stay_long_in_prison/
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If you only bought one ticket you only get one sear

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater, as people were taking their seats for the show. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher, who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “Alright buddy, what’s your name?”
“Sam,” the man moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?”
With pain in his voice, Sam replied “… the balcony.”
[Edit: misspelling in joke title. Tried to correct it but apparently you can't edit the title]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tfs8/if_you_only_bought_one_ticket_you_only_get_one/
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If trees produced wifi we'd be planting them everywhere...

... too bad they only produce oxygen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63tb7c/if_trees_produced_wifi_wed_be_planting_them/
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There are 10 types of people in the world...

Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a ternary joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63t9c5/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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Who's the most popular guy in the nudist camp?

The one who can carry two cups of coffee and nine donuts.
Who's the most popular lady in the nudist camp?
The one who can eat the last donut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63t8v9/whos_the_most_popular_guy_in_the_nudist_camp/
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When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend

But it was just my imaginasian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63t8ko/when_i_was_a_kid_i_thought_i_had_a_chinese_friend/
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a beautiful sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63szfp/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
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Cars 3 Prediction.

Mcqueen's driving in the woods. There's no one around and his phone is dead. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots him: Shia LaBus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63sz4f/cars_3_prediction/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The glass ceiling lets enough light through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ss2l/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I used to own a Raven in Boston

It could speak English, but the only word it knew was "Car"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63spg2/i_used_to_own_a_raven_in_boston/
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The Dishes

Long one so get ready..
A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle a bit. The old man takes out a jar of Vaseline and wipes down the whole bike. He states it's his secret for keeping it spotless and asks the young man to keep his secret safe and to always wipe it down before a rain. The young man promises he will. Deal done and the old man even throws in his jar of Vaseline.
Later that evening he takes his motorcycle over to meet his girlfriends parents for the first time. Walking up to the house his girlfriend warns " We have a weird sort of tradition in our house, we don't speak a word during dinner otherwise you have to do all the dishes."  Odd but just then a smoking hot girl answers the door and introduces herself as the younger sister, Dad seems nice and introduces Mom, who is also very good looking.
Some small talk and it's time for dinner. The young man walks into the kitchen to help serve dinner and is shocked. No one has done the dishes for what seems months! Dirty plates stacked to the ceiling. It's a mess. He brings the food to the table thinking " I'm not going to say a word!"
Dinner is actually good and he just smiles along. His girlfriend starts to play footsie with him, then starts feeling his inner thigh. He's getting excited but realizes this maybe just a ploy to get him to speak. He's not falling for it! She then goes under the table and starts to give him a blow job right at Dinner!! He's so confused but also so turned on. The family notices but says nothing, they just keep eating. Mom is visibly getting turned on and the younger sister is too!
The girlfriend comes back up from under the table and takes off her pants, they start banging right on the table! "This is insane" he thinks but is so turned on he can't stop. He bangs the girlfriend, then the mom, and even the sister all while nothing is being said!!  The dad just keeps eating the whole time!
Just then the young guy looks out the dining room window and notices it's starting to drizzle, so he whips out the Vaseline.  "Fine! Fuck it I'll do the dishes!"  yells the dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63spab/the_dishes/
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What do you call a Spanish peeping tom?

Señor Boobies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63snto/what_do_you_call_a_spanish_peeping_tom/
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Just crapped myself in an elevator

Took that shit to a whole new level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63snrj/just_crapped_myself_in_an_elevator/
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What do you call an overweight crossdresser?

Trans fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63si3r/what_do_you_call_an_overweight_crossdresser/
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The other day, I was chillin' at home, and all of a sudden, Justin Bieber came on the radio...

First of all, how the hell did the little bastard even get in my house?
And secondly, couldn't he have at least wiped off the radio afterwards?
Seriously, the younger generation just don't have any manners!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63shiq/the_other_day_i_was_chillin_at_home_and_all_of_a/
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A prophet as a child (an oldly but a goody)

A child was a prophet, granted the ability to see the future
One night he went to sleep, and he had a dream where a raven came down to him and told him "tomorrow, your aunt will die"
The next day, the boy told his parents about the dream
They called his aunt to earn her, but a paramedic picked up the phone and told them that they had found her dead that morning
A few weeks later, the young prophet had a dream where the raven came to him and told him that his neighbor was going to die tomorrow
The next morning, the boy told his parents about his dream
They went across the street to warn his neighbor, but they found him dead at the bottom of his stairs
A few weeks later, the child had another dream. The raven came to him and said that tomorrow his father was going to die
When he told his parents in the morning, his father decided to go to work as normal, however he spent the whole day panicking
When he came home he was exhausted, and he said to his wife "you'll never believe the day I've had today..."
The wife looked at him
"You think your day was bad, today the milkman collapsed and died right there on the porch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63sh62/a_prophet_as_a_child_an_oldly_but_a_goody/
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I've got a pretty long Police record....

It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63sf6o/ive_got_a_pretty_long_police_record/
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i poured root beer in a square glass...

now i just have beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63sf3l/i_poured_root_beer_in_a_square_glass/
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I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday!!!

I had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63sbsl/i_went_through_an_expensive_and_painful_procedure/
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"Gymnasium" in ancient Greek means "naked exercise"…

…but try telling that to the receptionist at the health club…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63s972/gymnasium_in_ancient_greek_means_naked_exercise/
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What do you call a psychic midget that escapes from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63s7tc/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_that_escapes/
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Don't fart at an apple store...

They don't have windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63s241/dont_fart_at_an_apple_store/
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Sherlock and Watson go to shoot up a school..

Watson: which part of the school shall we head to first sherlock?
Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson.
[Please don't kill me for this]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63rzop/sherlock_and_watson_go_to_shoot_up_a_school/
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What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?

Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63rvv7/whats_the_difference_between_trumpet_players_and/
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A soldier was mustard gassed, then he was pepper sprayed by the police...

He is now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63rvfd/a_soldier_was_mustard_gassed_then_he_was_pepper/
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I Asked My Wife For The Rake

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”
She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn’t sure and said, “What?”.
I repeated the gestures: “EYE KNEE THE RAKE”.
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, “What the hell was that?”
She replied, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ruhh/i_asked_my_wife_for_the_rake/
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My mom told me if i didnt get off the computer and do my homework she would bang my head against the keyboard

I think she mighfkgk57mo58ktzsrazxv78p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63rtf4/my_mom_told_me_if_i_didnt_get_off_the_computer/
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A Czech and a French decide to go hunting together.

They happen across two lions mating and slowly back away. Things don't go as planned, and the lions suddenly notice them, each going after a hunter. A park ranger nearby witnesses this act, and shoots both lions, but not before the lions have already devoured their meals. He cuts open the female lion first, but the Frenchman is already dead. The ranger sighs and says, "There's no point in saving the other but at least we know, the Czech's in the male,"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63rq8i/a_czech_and_a_french_decide_to_go_hunting_together/
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I just signed up for a yoga class....

"How flexible are you" asked the instructor
I said "I can't do Tuesdays"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63rjlt/i_just_signed_up_for_a_yoga_class/
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It is a little known fact that the Bermuda Triangle

used to be called the Bermuda Rectangle.Until one side mysteriously disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63rfjb/it_is_a_little_known_fact_that_the_bermuda/
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An animal lover talks to a turk

He asks the turk:"May I talk to your horse?"
"Horse not talk", he replies.
The animal lover asks the horse : "Hello horse how are you doing do you have enough food?"
"I'm doing fine and there is more than enough food too."
The animal lover asks the  turk : "May I talk to your dog?"
"Dog not talk", he replies.
The animal lover now next to the dog asks him: "Hello Dog are you alright?'
"I can't complain, I have a warm place to sleep" he replies
The animal lover asks the turk : "May I talk to your goat?"
The turk slowly realising the ability the animal lover has answers:"Goat lies"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63rcbg/an_animal_lover_talks_to_a_turk/
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What do you call President Trump, unconscious on the floor of the Oval Office?

Not an ambulance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63rbf8/what_do_you_call_president_trump_unconscious_on/
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What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come on a boys face until he's 13.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ralm/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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I lost my mood ring.

I don't know how I feel about this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63r99q/i_lost_my_mood_ring/
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Why did the paranoid man take the elevator?

He couldn't handle the stares...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63r328/why_did_the_paranoid_man_take_the_elevator/
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Job Interview

Interviewer: what did you learn from your previous job?
Me: that I need a new job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63qyjr/job_interview/
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Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63qxbu/love_is_like_a_fart/
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A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says,
"Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
"What is your occupation?”
The woman replies,
"I’m a whore.”
The accountant pauses and says,
"No, no, no. That will never work.
That is much too crass.
Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman,
"Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
"No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman states,
"I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks,
"What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
"Well, I raised over 1,000 cocks last year.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63qt18/a_woman_walks_into_her_accountants_office_and/
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What do you say to warn Edgar Allen Poe about the tree he's about to walk into?

Poetry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63qqpj/what_do_you_say_to_warn_edgar_allen_poe_about_the/
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Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

Because six, seven eight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63qlqf/why_was_yoda_afraid_of_7/
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My son is such a prick. I bought him a trampoline and he won't even jump on it.

He just sits in his wheelchair and cries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63qj67/my_son_is_such_a_prick_i_bought_him_a_trampoline/
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What do Evel Knievel and Stephen Hawking have in common?

Their love of ramps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63qhu4/what_do_evel_knievel_and_stephen_hawking_have_in/
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What do you call a hate group full of homosexuals?

The GayGayGay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63qgyu/what_do_you_call_a_hate_group_full_of_homosexuals/
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Do you know why Oklahoma's state slogan is "Oklahoma is OK"?

Because they can't spell "mediocre".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63q8t7/do_you_know_why_oklahomas_state_slogan_is/
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What do the twin towers and genders have in common?

There were two and now it's just offensive to talk about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63q8qe/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_genders_have_in_common/
%
Don't fret.

You're not a guitar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63q85d/dont_fret/
%
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.....

but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63q6hv/people_in_dubai_dont_like_the_flintstones/
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*Creating password*

"fortnight"
Error: [Password two week]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63q5c3/creating_password/
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What do you get when you combine tragedy and comedy?

American politics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63q2xw/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_tragedy_and/
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At dinner tonight, the butter made a couple of good jokes

It was on a roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63q21d/at_dinner_tonight_the_butter_made_a_couple_of/
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I got my blood drawn today

The artist wasn't very good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63q0rz/i_got_my_blood_drawn_today/
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A pirate walks into a bar

The bartender says to him:
"Hey pirate, are you aware there's a steering wheel coming from your zipper?"
The pirate replies:
"AARRGHH matey, it's drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pzud/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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An Englishman walks into a bar...

He sees three fat ladies ordering drinks at the counter and hears a thick accent.
"Excuse me, are you three ladies from Scotland?"
They all scream back in unison, "WALES, YOU IDIOT!!"
"Oh, sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pzmc/an_englishman_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician.......

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pzbp/three_men_a_philosopher_a_mathematician/
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The little girl asks her parents "Mom, Dad why did you name me Candy?"

The mom replies " because we want to be grandparents really soon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pyk3/the_little_girl_asks_her_parents_mom_dad_why_did/
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Officials recently stated that inmates on death row will no longer be granted a final meal

Just desserts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pyap/officials_recently_stated_that_inmates_on_death/
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Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder

The guard stops him and asks:
"What's in the bags?"
"Nothing but sand sir"
So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand.
"Ok you're clear move on"
Two weeks later, same thing.
So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and it drives them nuts.
So finally one day one of the guards can't take it anymore and follows the guy. So he sees him sitting at a cafe with his two bags of sand. He steps up to him and says:
"Listen buddy you got us crazy down at the office. Please tell me what you're smuggling, I know it must be something. I swear I won't tell!"
So the guy takes a sip from his drink, lifts his head up and looks at him and says: " bicycles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pxv2/guy_crosses_the_border_on_a_bicycle_with_two_bags/
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An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar...

Then they all die due to infinite mass in finite space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pwnd/an_infinite_amount_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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A blonde gets stuck in a snowstorm

and remembers the advice her father once gave her: *if you're driving in a snowstorm, follow a snowplow so you won't get stuck in the snow.* So she found one, and did.
After about thirty minutes the snowplow stops and the driver gets out, walks back to the blonde's car, and asks, "Excuse me ma'am, but are you following me?"
The blonde explains the situation. The driver replies, "Well that's not the worse advice ever, but I'm done with this parking lot now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pw69/a_blonde_gets_stuck_in_a_snowstorm/
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Whats the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with implants?

One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63puhi/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_stop_and/
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A pregnant woman was shot during a bank robbery

After being rushed to the hospital and treated in the ER, the doctor tells her some good and bad news. The good news is that she's having triplets, all boys and they're all healthy, the bad news is that they've each got a bullet inside of them and will pass this Bullet naturally in +- 18 years.
18 years later, the mother was sitting in her front room when her son bursts into the room, panicked, "Mom, mom! You won't believe what just happened, I was peeing and a bullet came out of me and into the toilet." She laughed and told her son the story of when she was shot while pregnant.
A couple of months later, her other son burst into the room, panicked, telling her that he had peed out a bullet. She told him the story and they all had a good laugh about it.
About a week later, her third son came into the room she was sitting in, looking pale and very disturbed. "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out of you?" She said, slightly amused. "No, I was jerking off in my room and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pr8q/a_pregnant_woman_was_shot_during_a_bank_robbery/
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New teacher

A young woman fresh out of college goes to a first-grade class to teach for the first time. As she enters the classroom, she sees that the kids are a rowdy bunch, always fighting, throwing wads of paper, and being little assholes. She tries to get their attention but to no avail. Frustrated, she storms out of the classroom and runs to the principal.
"I can't do it" she says, "those kids are worse than the Nazis!"
"You just have to speak their language," he says, "come with me."
As they both enter the classroom, the principal shouts:
"Yo, faggots! How do you put a condom on a globe?"
The class falls silent, and moments later Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Mr. Smith, what's a globe?"
"Now, class settle down. Your new teacher will show you what it is." says the principal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pqv5/new_teacher/
%
So a guy walks into a bathroom and sees another guy with no arms staring sadly at the urinal.

He feels bad for the guy, but doesn't want to get involved, so he just does his business and tries to get outta there as fast as possible. As he's washing his hands he sees the other guy walk up behind him in the mirror. 'Fuck,' the guy thinks, 'where is this going?' "Excuse me," the amputee says, "as you can see I'm having some trouble. Would you mind terribly helping me out?" Not wanting to feel guilty for the rest of his life, guy #1 agrees to help. He couldn't just let the guy piss himself, could he? "What do you need me to do?" "I just need you to unzip me, aim it for me, then zip me back up." 'Alright, we'll just get this over with, wash hands, and move on with our life' When he pulls the guy's junk out, he notices the guys dick is not healthy. Clumps of hair stuck in gangrenous sores, puss oozing everywhere- The most disgusting thing he has ever seen... or smelled. He fights the urge to gag, muscles through, and zips the guy up. As he's washing his hands, trying to get the image of the nastiest penis on Earth out of his head, the armless man walks up to him, thanking him for his help. "No worries, man, but I have to ask: What was that all over your dick?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says "I don't know, but I'm not touching it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pqic/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bathroom_and_sees_another/
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Damn girl are you from Egypt?

Because A'frican love you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pppl/damn_girl_are_you_from_egypt/
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Joke Pro Tip

Type in key parts of the joke or punchline in a search engine and find out how many times it's been posted on r/jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ppn0/joke_pro_tip/
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Why hasn't Peru adopted LED lights yet?

Because they are proud of their incan descent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63poyp/why_hasnt_peru_adopted_led_lights_yet/
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Football with a blonde girlfriend

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63po8t/football_with_a_blonde_girlfriend/
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My girlfriend caught me stealing cats the other day.

Forced me to let the cat out of the bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pluv/my_girlfriend_caught_me_stealing_cats_the_other/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63plsy/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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None of my friends seem to care that I'm lactose intolerant

But tell them I'm racist and they all flip out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63plou/none_of_my_friends_seem_to_care_that_im_lactose/
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In a world without Muslims, there wouldn't be a 911.

We'd have to say CMXI instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pljv/in_a_world_without_muslims_there_wouldnt_be_a_911/
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Some people are like slinkies

They don't do much, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pi38/some_people_are_like_slinkies/
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At first people think i should be grateful when I say my wife made me a millionaire

They change their minds when i tell them I was a billionaire before i got married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ph9t/at_first_people_think_i_should_be_grateful_when_i/
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Why don't hippies make good chemists?

Because they're always dropping acid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63pew4/why_dont_hippies_make_good_chemists/
%
Why did the tractor sell medicines?

Because it was a farm assist!
... I'm sorry...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63p95q/why_did_the_tractor_sell_medicines/
%
What do you call a alligator in a vest?

An investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63p8un/what_do_you_call_a_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
How do you make a baby cry?

Drop it.
How do you make a baby stop crying?
Drop it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63p85v/how_do_you_make_a_baby_cry/
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As a cheesemonger, I spent a lot of time cutting cheese up in to little pieces.

It's grate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63p3vh/as_a_cheesemonger_i_spent_a_lot_of_time_cutting/
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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... Satan: Why so glum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell! Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway. Guy: Gee, that sounds great! Satan: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it! Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow... that's awesome! Satan: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,  Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. Do you do drugs?? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean... Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares. Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place! Satan: You gay? Guy: No... Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63p1zy/one_day_a_guy_dies_and_finds_himself_in_hell/
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There are three kinds of people in the world

Those who are good at math, and those who aren't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63p0i4/there_are_three_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
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Military ranks

GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.
COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.
LT. COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God if a DA-4187 request form is approved.
MAJOR:
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.
CAPTAIN:
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.
1ST LIEUTENANT:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to walls.
2ND LIEUTENANT:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.
DRILL SERGEANT:
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, HE IS GOD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63oyo9/military_ranks/
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There's an old saying: "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me..."

But there's an even older saying: "Far'uzz Balzekai, enoch di vel marraz; sich bu ma'zz vi kundekarr di terra bra'zz." *Awaken Balzekai, demon lord of the underrealm; serve your master and bring terror upon the mortal world.*
I guess what I'm really trying to say is... does anyone know how to get virgin goat blood out of your carpet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63oy8o/theres_an_old_saying_fool_me_once_shame_on_you/
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What kind of bread does Matthew McConaughey eat?

All rye all rye all rye!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63oxsm/what_kind_of_bread_does_matthew_mcconaughey_eat/
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I was so excited to be at my girlfriend's parent's house for dinner.

So I decided to make a good first impression by complimenting my girlfriend in front of her parents:
"Let me just start off this dinner by saying that I am delighted to be here with my beautiful girlfriend and her parents. Your daughter is an incredible person. She is kind, witty and, most importantly, blows me..."
At this point my girlfriend kicks my shin and I stop abruptly. I don't know what I said wrong but everyone is quite appalled with my little speech. I go over what I said in my head and realize what my girlfriend was alluding to. I quickly start over.
"Ummm, like I was saying. Your daughter is kind, witty and **blows me away with her intelligence!**"
As I fix my mistake, the room is filled with nervous laughter. It was not a great first impression but at least I salvaged what was left of it.
"Indeed, your daughter is a great person. But sometimes she just doesn't let me finish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ovvs/i_was_so_excited_to_be_at_my_girlfriends_parents/
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I recently had to sell my calculator manufacturing business.

The numbers just weren't adding up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63osjj/i_recently_had_to_sell_my_calculator/
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I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63opzr/i_bought_my_son_a_puppy_for_his_birthday_but_i/
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"Daddy are you okay? Are you okay Daddy?"

Dad: "No Hungry, I'm just Dad".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ooub/daddy_are_you_okay_are_you_okay_daddy/
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A christian mother thought to herself since my husband has been working so hard preaching maybe i should cook him a nice dinner...

He loves ham so i'll get him some ham. She went to the grocery store and asked mr. Brown the deli manager "Do you have some fresh ham?" He said "no all I have is some damham" She said "I'm a christian how dare you say that to me?" He said "No thats the brand see?" "Oh!" she said, it has a beaver and a dam on the packaging label. So she took it home and got ready to prepare it when her husband got in He said "Whats for dinner?" She said "We are having some damham" He said "Woman how dare you say that?" She said "no thats the brand" He said "Oh it has a beaver and a dam" She said "Lets eat" Father said "No we have to wait for our son" When the son came in he was greeted and when told to sit and prepare for dinner. He said "cool wit me" His father began to eat then said, "son will you pass me dat damham." The son looked at his parents and smiled. "Oh Snap, Pops I didnt know you rolled like that?" "Pass me the motherfucking mashed potatoes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ooat/a_christian_mother_thought_to_herself_since_my/
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You seem to be a Molybdenum Thorium Erbium Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium Erbium

Because you're a real Mo Th Er  F U C K Er

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63onfu/you_seem_to_be_a_molybdenum_thorium_erbium/
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What's The Pope's favorite chord?

G Sus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63onby/whats_the_popes_favorite_chord/
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What do you do with 365 condoms?

Make them into a tyre and call it a Goodyear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63omk6/what_do_you_do_with_365_condoms/
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A man goes to the doctor.

He says to the doctor "I have a big problem. But first I want you to promise me you won't laugh."
"Oh, no sir, that would be very unprofessional. I have been practicing medicine for over 30 years and I've seen it all. So you have my word."
"OK" says the man and drops his pants. As soon as the doctor sees the man's teeny tiny micropenis, he drops to the floor with a hysterical laughing fit. Finally after five minutes, he regains his composure and says,
"I do apologize sir, I really do. What seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen" says the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63olrr/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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What's the most well-known dwarf star?

Peter Dinklage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63oj0f/whats_the_most_wellknown_dwarf_star/
%
What a man deserves.

A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, a woman who can fulfill his desires, and a woman who can cook.  Most importantly, he must make sure these women never meet each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ohzn/what_a_man_deserves/
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What's the difference between a 69 and a sucker punch?

At least in a 69, you can see the cunt coming.
*Props to a colleague for telling me this joke. *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63oc87/whats_the_difference_between_a_69_and_a_sucker/
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Two bears and three bears walk into a bar.....

They ask for oil price from 2015 through 2017.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63obzd/two_bears_and_three_bears_walk_into_a_bar/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a pint. Just then, a fly drops in each of their Guinness.

The Englishman says: "How dreadful. Barkeep, take this pint back at once, I couldn't possibly touch it, it has a fly in it!"
The Scotsman says: "Ach, it's nae so bad!" and flicks the fly out with the back of his hand and chugs his beer.
The Irishman gingerly picks up the fly by the wing, gives the fly a little wiggle and says: "You spit that out! You spit that out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63obg6/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_each/
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What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?

Just the Rottweiler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63o7if/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_bunny_and_a/
%
If you were to choose between winning the big lottery prize and your wife

what car would you buy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63o6wh/if_you_were_to_choose_between_winning_the_big/
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What do you call the new car smell in a Tesla?

Elon's Musk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63o44m/what_do_you_call_the_new_car_smell_in_a_tesla/
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It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...
Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out.  Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63nz1l/it_is_unfair_how_for_every_1_a_man_makes_a_woman/
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What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ny0q/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
What do you call a bungee jumping cow.

Cow-a-bungee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63nwy3/what_do_you_call_a_bungee_jumping_cow/
%
where did the civilians go during the bombing?

everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63nv1f/where_did_the_civilians_go_during_the_bombing/
%
What's the definition of embarrassment?

Running into a brick wall with an erection and breaking your nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63npim/whats_the_definition_of_embarrassment/
%
A duck sees a pig eating something.

"What are you eating?"
"A chocolate cake"
"Why does it smell like shit then?"
"I'm eating it for the third time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63noa0/a_duck_sees_a_pig_eating_something/
%
President Coolidge and the First Lady Grace Coolidge were being shown around(separately) at an experimental government farm.

When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day."
Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by."
Upon being told, the President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time."
President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63no0v/president_coolidge_and_the_first_lady_grace/
%
A man is having loud, passionate sex with his wife...

when all of a sudden he looks over and sees his son Johnny looking at them through the doorway. Horrified, Johnny runs away and his dad puts on some pants and starts running after him.
He gets to Johnny's room and sees him nailing his Grandma. The father goes 'oh goodness me!' and Johnny replies saying, 'not so funny when it's your mum, is it?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63nn8k/a_man_is_having_loud_passionate_sex_with_his_wife/
%
What drives the rich & powerful to rape?

their chauffeurs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63nk4o/what_drives_the_rich_powerful_to_rape/
%
How do you turn a Fox into and Elephant?

You Marry it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63nhh9/how_do_you_turn_a_fox_into_and_elephant/
%
What's the difference between a comma and a cat?

One is a pause at the end of a clause and the other has claws at the end of its paws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ng97/whats_the_difference_between_a_comma_and_a_cat/
%
Whats a prisoners favorite punctuation mark?

Period.
Because it marks the end of a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63nezg/whats_a_prisoners_favorite_punctuation_mark/
%
A women noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach

"Ha! That's not going to help", she said
"Sure, it does", he said.
"It's the only way I can see the numbers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63nesv/a_women_noticed_her_husband_standing_on_the/
%
If you look at Chuck Norris' DNA under a microscope...

...you'll get a black eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63nej0/if_you_look_at_chuck_norris_dna_under_a_microscope/
%
The Energizer bunny got arrested today!

He was arrested for battery.
This was a joke I posted on Facebook 7 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ndjh/the_energizer_bunny_got_arrested_today/
%
What does every Tickle Me Elmo receive before leaving the factory?

2 Test Tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ncnh/what_does_every_tickle_me_elmo_receive_before/
%
What do you call security guards at a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63n9vl/what_do_you_call_security_guards_at_a_samsung/
%
A wife calls her husband driving to work

and says, "Honey be careful.  There's a maniac driving on the wrong side of the road on the highway."
He responds, "One maniac?  There are hundreds of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63n8pq/a_wife_calls_her_husband_driving_to_work/
%
If two vegans are having an argument

Is it still considered beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63n7tz/if_two_vegans_are_having_an_argument/
%
Tell a man a joke and he will laugh for a day

Tell a blonde a joke and she will laugh next day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63n7c2/tell_a_man_a_joke_and_he_will_laugh_for_a_day/
%
A genie grants a man three wishes...

"Hello sir, I am going to grant you three wishes. What is your first wish?
"I wish I could have three more wishes!"
"You aren't allowed to say that."
"Fine, I wish I could have two more wishes!"
"Ok, you have two more wishes. What is your second wish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63n4hy/a_genie_grants_a_man_three_wishes/
%
A hunter went out on a hunting trip. He took his sons cigarettes by mistake.

He had an excellent day. He shot 2 bucks, a boar, a black bear, and a unicorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63n2pa/a_hunter_went_out_on_a_hunting_trip_he_took_his/
%
My grandmother recently had 2 strokes

Best golf game of her life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63n1yw/my_grandmother_recently_had_2_strokes/
%
A man is looking to rent a camel...

He drives around and notices on the side of the road a man sitting with a sign that says, "Camel 4 Rent". Being ecstatic, he pulls over and talks to the owner regarding a rental.
"It will cost you $250 for one hour," says the owner of the camel.
"$250??? That's pretty expensive. How am I even supposed to know this camel is any good?" Inquires the man.
"It is the fastest, most reliable camel in all the land," the owner quips, "Here, I'll show you."
The owner places the camel on two large rocks then walks below it and smacks the camel's testicles using two stones. The camel jumps and proceeds to run at almost the speed of light into the horizon.
"You see, I told you it's fast," says the owner.
"Wow, that's amazing! I want to ride it, but it's pretty far. How do I catch up with it?" asks the man.
"Tell you what, can you step on these two large rocks real quick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63mzoo/a_man_is_looking_to_rent_a_camel/
%
A muslim man came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I phoned the police..

He's probably part of an extreme mist group

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63mzi1/a_muslim_man_came_into_my_shop_and_bought_six/
%
Roses are red. Violets are blue.

I have a knife. Get in the van.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63mw5j/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
Did you hear about the lawyer with a jurisprudence fetish?

He got off on a technicality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63mvty/did_you_hear_about_the_lawyer_with_a/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th.  The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.
The bartender pours two beers, hands them over, and says "You guys should really know your limits".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63muwp/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
Life is a lot like toilet paper....

You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some assh*le.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63msq3/life_is_a_lot_like_toilet_paper/
%
What would Lady Diana do if she were still alive?

Scratch the lid of her casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63mrhu/what_would_lady_diana_do_if_she_were_still_alive/
%
What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

I can't see a thing with all this shit in here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63mnys/what_did_one_gay_sperm_say_to_the_other_gay_sperm/
%
A Mexican magician is performing

He says,"On the count of three I will disappear." He starts counting,"Unos.... Dos...." *Poof!* And he disappeared without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63mn63/a_mexican_magician_is_performing/
%
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

I was surprised when they invited me over to watch them have sex. I really wanted a Rolex when I asked for a watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63mmy3/my_lesbian_neighbors_asked_me_what_i_wanted_for/
%
How do you explain to someone that ice isn't a liquid?

Just give some solid facts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63mkah/how_do_you_explain_to_someone_that_ice_isnt_a/
%
I wish my parents would have named me "Sale"

I'd have a lifetime supply of free homes & cars...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63mjbg/i_wish_my_parents_would_have_named_me_sale/
%
[NSFW] A teenager walks to a pharmacy one evening...

...and picks out a box of condoms to buy. Taking it to the register, the man behind the counter asked the teenager, "For what occasion?"
"I'm finally gonna bang my girlfriend tonight." The teenager said.
The man behind the register asked no more questions then bagged up the box of condoms.
Later that evening, the teenager came over to his girlfriend's house and was invited to dinner by her parents. Once seated, everyone bowed their heads and prayed for their meal. Everyone but the teenager finished their prayer and began eating, the girlfriend noticed this and said "Wow, didn't know you were so religious..."
The boy responded, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63mh2g/nsfw_a_teenager_walks_to_a_pharmacy_one_evening/
%
Went to buy a bouncy castle today and it cost twice as much as last year

Guess that's inflation for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63mgr4/went_to_buy_a_bouncy_castle_today_and_it_cost/
%
First rule of Alzheimer's club?

Don't talk about chess club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63mdwu/first_rule_of_alzheimers_club/
%
A man tried to rob a store with a banana...

...his efforts were fruitless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63m8rm/a_man_tried_to_rob_a_store_with_a_banana/
%
Congrats to the National Gallery on receiving a substantial donation of French Impressionist and Eastern European artwork.

Which is to say ... they're getting Monet for nothing and the Czechs for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63m7ql/congrats_to_the_national_gallery_on_receiving_a/
%
Mouthfull

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63m0ji/mouthfull/
%
How do you trap an elephant?

Well first you dig a really big hole. Then put dry leaves and wood in the hole and light them on fire. Wait for the fire to go out. Then cover the hole with leaves and wait for the elephant to walk by it.
Then, sneak up behind the elephant, and when it least expects it, kick it in the ash hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63m0ij/how_do_you_trap_an_elephant/
%
My dad was going to tell a joke on my birthday...

But he left during the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63lx5t/my_dad_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_on_my_birthday/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest does something when it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63lwra/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
What can be smooth but also rough 😏😏😉😉

Endoplasmic Reticulum.
Up vote for more helpful cell facts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63lv3i/what_can_be_smooth_but_also_rough/
%
I was gonna make a joke about a bald guy's hair...

But then I remembered there was nothing to joke about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63luy4/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_about_a_bald_guys_hair/
%
I dropped my cactus the other day

Worst part is, I caught it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63luhb/i_dropped_my_cactus_the_other_day/
%
How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl cry?

10 tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63lst0/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_japanese/
%
A Redditor dies and goes to Heaven...

St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.  "Welcome to Heaven!  I'm going to show you around.  We have all of your favorite sub Reddits here and you can go from place to place and enjoy them to your heart's content."
Amazed, our Redditor goes to r/jokes and finds the funniest jokes he ever heard, with no reposts!  And the comments were even funnier!
Next, St. Peter takes him over to r/food.  St. Peter shows him all of the most amazing recipes he's ever seen, and let's him eat as much as he wants.  He never felt too full and was always satisfied.
Finally, our Redditor decides he wants to go see r/politics.  He runs towards it yelling and excited to see what's in store in the Heaven version of this sub.  St. Peter grabs him by the arm and shakes his finger admonishingly at him.  "Shhh" he says.  "Don't be too loud.  r/politics thinks they're the only ones here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ls66/a_redditor_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to toe...

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.  Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap.  It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63lqrg/a_man_wakes_up_in_the_hospital_bandaged_from_head/
%
Lost my watch at a house party one time. Saw a guy steppin on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to him...

...punched him strait in the face. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63lpus/lost_my_watch_at_a_house_party_one_time_saw_a_guy/
%
What is Mozart doing right now?

Decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63lld9/what_is_mozart_doing_right_now/
%
My mechanic tried to convince me that my car needs new brakes

But I know that it would just slow me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ll6k/my_mechanic_tried_to_convince_me_that_my_car/
%
My girlfriend was fighting 5 people, so I had to jump in...

There's no way she could take all 6 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63lknq/my_girlfriend_was_fighting_5_people_so_i_had_to/
%
Introducing the nihilist dating agency

... for people who have nothing in common

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63lkgq/introducing_the_nihilist_dating_agency/
%
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness

Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine and accept the body of a man into your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63lggu/christianity_is_the_best_way_to_cure_gayness/
%
i was addicted to soap for a while...

i'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63lfny/i_was_addicted_to_soap_for_a_while/
%
Do you know why kleptomaniacs have such a hard time understanding puns?

Because they take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63leec/do_you_know_why_kleptomaniacs_have_such_a_hard/
%
Been fired from my job at the pasta factory

I made a fusilli mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ldq4/been_fired_from_my_job_at_the_pasta_factory/
%
Mommy, why is daddy bald?

"Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"
The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked
"is that why you have a lot of hair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63lbk3/mommy_why_is_daddy_bald/
%
A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.” The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63l94j/a_biker_is_passing_the_zoo_when_he_sees_a_little/
%
So a mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here. You're always ruining jokes."

The mushroom says "Come on. I'm a nice guy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63l74f/so_a_mushroom_walks_into_a_bar_bartender_says_we/
%
When I lost my rifle..

the Army charged me $85. That is why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63l5nc/when_i_lost_my_rifle/
%
In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63l5ku/in_order_to_attract_women_i_like_to_use_this/
%
An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Hobbit walk into a bar...

All three proceed to eat, drink and have a good time, slamming down pint after pint of ale until finally the pub was closing. The bartender asks them how he should split the tab as it was a pretty hefty sum.
"I got this," replies the Elf as he looks at the bill. "My two friends here are always a little short anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63l42d/an_elf_a_dwarf_and_a_hobbit_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My doctor diagnosed me with paranoia yesterday

Well that's not what he said, but I could tell he was thinking it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63l2mq/my_doctor_diagnosed_me_with_paranoia_yesterday/
%
That's a nice ham you've got there

It would be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63l12w/thats_a_nice_ham_youve_got_there/
%
Johnny was in class and he needed to pee

So he tells the teacher "Miss, I need to go take a piss"
The teacher, astonished says "Johnny! We don't use such foul language in class. We use the word urinate."
Johnny says "Sorry Miss"
The teacher says "It's okay. Now Johnny, since you know the word, use urinate in a sentence"
Johnny says "Urinate, but if you had a bigger pair of tits, you'd be a 10"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ktn4/johnny_was_in_class_and_he_needed_to_pee/
%
A guy goes to the bar

A hefty, muscular gun toting blond guy from Austin Texas goes to a bar on his Harley Davidson. He parks the bike outside, goes in and orders a drink.
Now the regulars at this bar have a habit of picking on newcomers. So when the blond goes back his bike is missing from its spot. He walks back in.
He shouts out
Which one of ya'll fuckers stole my Harley?
Nobody answers. He caresses his gun and says
Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get another drink and if ma bike ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna do the same thing I did back in Austin. And I don't like what I did back in Austin.
True to his word, he orders a drink and goes back out, to find his Harley back where it was!
As he puts on his helmet, the bar owner asks him
If you don't mind me asking, what did you do back in Austin?
The blond replies
I had to walk back home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ks20/a_guy_goes_to_the_bar/
%
I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.

There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now both of them have condom balloons :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63krm7/i_went_to_a_pharmacy_and_asked_for_50_condoms/
%
The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing.

So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63kpyc/the_thought_of_one_of_my_friends_catching_me/
%
Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried?

My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63kpve/why_wont_i_ever_make_a_water_feature_on_top_of_a/
%
Who won the first Tour De France?

The 2nd Panzer Division.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63kn7n/who_won_the_first_tour_de_france/
%
Yo moma is so stupid....

she could observe the particles in the double slit experiment and still get an interference pattern

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63kn00/yo_moma_is_so_stupid/
%
My doctor told me to stop masturbating.

Me: why?
Doctor: because I'm trying to examine you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63km1g/my_doctor_told_me_to_stop_masturbating/
%
Little Tony was sitting on a park bench

munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.
Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63klte/little_tony_was_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
If a black guy is in hiding

He has gone incog-negro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63klby/if_a_black_guy_is_in_hiding/
%
My friends are like my guitar.

I don't have a guitar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63kk6s/my_friends_are_like_my_guitar/
%
What would be the title of the TV series covering 'The Last Supper'?

Breaking Bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63khfi/what_would_be_the_title_of_the_tv_series_covering/
%
As a chemist, i'm not very good at the guitar...

...anyway, here's van der Waal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ka76/as_a_chemist_im_not_very_good_at_the_guitar/
%
What does gay mean?

asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.
"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ka3o/what_does_gay_mean/
%
Cowards are yellow, Russians are red,

Mix them together, it's Trump's orange head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ka0s/cowards_are_yellow_russians_are_red/
%
I'm suspicious that my dictaphone is suddenly full

although I may be reading too much into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63k8qa/im_suspicious_that_my_dictaphone_is_suddenly_full/
%
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63k7sw/a_guy_asks_his_waiter_at_a_restaurant_how_they/
%
I wish my lawn was emo

so it could cut itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63k3o3/i_wish_my_lawn_was_emo/
%
Handjobs are like Pepsi.

Never your first choice but you'll take it anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63k1l7/handjobs_are_like_pepsi/
%
A Jew, muslim and Christian come up with a plot to rob the kings treasury.

At the moment of entry the guard dog barks and they all get caught.
The guards take all three man straight to the king to meet their fate.
Extremely angry the king decides to punish the men by ordering them each 20 lashes to the back.
They are hauled to the punishment chamber to receive their 20 lashes.
Christian man happens to be first in line and naturally scared he pisses his pants. The punisher sees this and cant help but have a little sympathy.
The punisher tells the Christian man its okay and that even though he is the punisher he in fact really hates his job.
Trying to calm the Christian man the punisher offers him anything he needs in order to make the 20 lashes easier on him.
The Christian man happily asks to have a pillow strapped to his back. His wish is granted.
The punisher lets loose with his whip and on the 15 strike the pillow rips open and flys off. The Christian man receives 5 straight lashes to his back and moves aside.
The Jew is next and is offered the same deal. Being a smart Jew he immediately responds and asks for 2 pillows. His wish also is granted.
18 lashes to his back and both pillows rip open and fly off. He gets 2 strikes on his back and collapses in pain before he is hauled aside.
The muslim man being next starts crying right away. When asked by the punisher why he is crying? The muslim answers saying how he regrets his crime because of the severity of his sin to rob someone. And he feels worthless because he thinks 20 lashes are not enough for his crime and asks for a increase to a 100 lashes so he can learn his lesson.
The punisher being extremely surprised at the muslim mans honesty and sense of remorse says 100 lashes it is you honest muslim. Now what can I do to help make such monumental punishment easier on you as I did to the Christian and Jew before you.
The Muslim man politely asks to have the Jew tied to his back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63k0z1/a_jew_muslim_and_christian_come_up_with_a_plot_to/
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I would never go hungry if I got stranded on a beach

Because of all of the sand which is there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63jxsn/i_would_never_go_hungry_if_i_got_stranded_on_a/
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Vampires must be extroverts

They don't do self reflection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63jvkm/vampires_must_be_extroverts/
%
What do you call crystal clear pee?

1080p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63jpid/what_do_you_call_crystal_clear_pee/
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What do you call the "Alternative Facts Handbook"?

The Bible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63jmig/what_do_you_call_the_alternative_facts_handbook/
%
So I finally got in touch with my inner self today...

Never buying cheap toilet paper, again .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63jhqa/so_i_finally_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
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What rhymes with orange.

No, it doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63jffg/what_rhymes_with_orange/
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A Son Asks His Dad.....

"Dad, what's the difference between hypothetically & reality?
He turns to his wife and asks, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars? The wife responds "Of course, I would never waste such an opportunity!"
Dad then asks his teenage daughter, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?". The daughter responds with, "Yes of course, he's my fantasy!"
Dad then asks his other son "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?. The other son replies, "Why not? Imagine what I could do with a million bucks".
Dad turns to the question-asking son and says "You see son, 'hypothetically' we're sitting with 3 millionaires, but in 'reality', we're actually living with 2 prostitutes & 1 gay bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63je2t/a_son_asks_his_dad/
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When do you kick a midget in the balls?

When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63jd3w/when_do_you_kick_a_midget_in_the_balls/
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I told my gf the world was flat and she became angry with me

I told her she was my world and she got angrier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63jbsa/i_told_my_gf_the_world_was_flat_and_she_became/
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My frog went to prison the other day...

He kermitted a serious crime!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63jbac/my_frog_went_to_prison_the_other_day/
%
A father and son walk into a gas station...

After grabbing a few snacks they walk up to the register to pay for everything.
The cashier says "sorry sir, but you have to swipe your card again."
Son: "dad, don't."
Father: *sweats profusely*
Cashier: "sir?"
Father: "but I'm not wearing a cardigan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63j9in/a_father_and_son_walk_into_a_gas_station/
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NSFW I was jacking it in a public bathroom the other day...

With the door unlocked and facing it. I love the thrill of thinking I could be caught, but obviously would never want someone to ACTUALLY walk in on me. So I'm pounding away, and right as I'm about to climax, a man wearing sunglasses walks in unannounced, and the jizz shpurts right onto his pant leg. I'm too stunned to say anything, but to my surprise he doesn't react, except after realizing the wetness of his pants. "What in the world is this??" he said aloud, feeling at his leg. I realized the man must be blind. I had ejaculated on a disabled person, in public. I felt awful, not because of how gross and embarrassing the experience was, but because I know he didn't even see it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63j6y4/nsfw_i_was_jacking_it_in_a_public_bathroom_the/
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Sharing earbuds and headphones spreads disease

How do you think I got hearing aids?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63j6gu/sharing_earbuds_and_headphones_spreads_disease/
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North Dakota

A dairy farmer from South Dakota had a favorite dairy cow. She was old, and one day she passed away. Saddened, but wanting another cow to give his family milk he sought out another cow in the local paper.
He found a listing from a dairy farmer in North Dakota a few hours away, and made arrangements to go and see the farmer. Upon arriving he was greeted by the owner, who took him out to the barn to inspect the cows he had for sale. Our farmer was impressed by the size of the cows, and the owner encouraged him to pull up a stool and pale to milk one of the cows and taste for himself.
And so he grabbed the stool, the pale, and sat down to milk. When he grabbed the teat and pulled, the cow farted. Again he pulled on another teat and the cow farted.
Looking up at the owner with a slightly alarmed look, and trying to hold back a smile, the owner simply said, "Ah, don't worry about that. They all do that."
And so, not thinking any more about it, and satisfied with the milk, he bought the cow and loaded her up for the trip home. All week long he bragged at the feed store, and even on Sunday at church about the delicious milk his new cow was making.
Curious, his neighbor came by the next day to see the cow. The farmer brought him into the barn and handed him a stool and pale, told him to sit and milk the cow for some fresh milk.
He grabbed the teat, pulled, and the cow let out a loud but low release of methane, and held that note for several seconds. Intrigued, he pulled another teat, and the same thing happened. He pulled a third time and the cow let out another long, low, fart.
Distracted from the milk now, he stands up, and says to the farmer in a matter-of-fact way, "You got this cow in North Dakota didn't you?"
The farmer, having expected the man to say something about the cow's flatulence, was surprised to hear his neighbor ask this question. He replied, "Why... yes. I did. I bought her from another dairy farmer several hours away from here, but... just how did you know that?"
His neighbor replied, "My wife's from North Dakota."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63j54f/north_dakota/
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Hey girl, are you a chemist?

Because you are going to be (Mg,Fe2+)2(Mg,Fe2+)5Si8O22(OH)2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63j0mr/hey_girl_are_you_a_chemist/
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What's the difference between a Muslim and a Terrorist?

I don't know, I just work as airport security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63iyu6/whats_the_difference_between_a_muslim_and_a/
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Why soccer players don't play Uno?

Because ​​they don't like to get red cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ixbp/why_soccer_players_dont_play_uno/
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I cried when my dad was chopping up Onions.

I miss her, she was a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ix55/i_cried_when_my_dad_was_chopping_up_onions/
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What did the email account do when it started practicing Buddhism?

It let go of all attachments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63iv0t/what_did_the_email_account_do_when_it_started/
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What do ninjas drink?

WATAAA!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63irbb/what_do_ninjas_drink/
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What's the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone?

You can't hear a Vitamin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63iq8c/whats_the_difference_between_a_vitamin_and_a/
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A proton walks up to an electron

The proton says, "Why so negative?"
The electron says, "My wife is cheating on me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63io9v/a_proton_walks_up_to_an_electron/
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What do you call the son of two gay black men?

Orphan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63innn/what_do_you_call_the_son_of_two_gay_black_men/
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The best joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ikig/the_best_joke_in_ireland/
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It's so sad...

that trees look at telephone poles, and think that being tall and skinny is the only way to get people talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ijyb/its_so_sad/
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What file controls the settings in a Nazi computer program?

Mein.conf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ihoe/what_file_controls_the_settings_in_a_nazi/
%
An elementary school student gets gum stuck in his hair...

So the nurse takes him to the science teacher and say "Can you get the gum out of his hair?"
The science teacher responds "Of course, its just a matter of having the right solvent."
An hour later the nurse asks the science teacher "Have any luck?"
The science teacher responds "Yes, here's the gum back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63igls/an_elementary_school_student_gets_gum_stuck_in/
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A panda walks into a bar

Goes to the bar and orders some food, then sits down and eats. Once finished he stands up pulls out two pistols and shots the place up.
The barman having ducked behind the bar stands up and says
"Oi panda, what the hell are you doing?"
The panda stops at the door, turns around and says
"I'm a panda, look it up"
Then proceeds to leave.
The barman pulls out his dictionary and finds
PANDA
ˈpandə/
noun
a large bear-like mammal with characteristic black-and-white markings, native to certain mountain forests in China.
Eats: shoots and leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63iemu/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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I want to make an impact on the planet that lasts long after I'm gone

That's why I drive a hummer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63idte/i_want_to_make_an_impact_on_the_planet_that_lasts/
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63idib/what_did_the_blanket_say_as_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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What does someone drowning look like?

lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ibls/what_does_someone_drowning_look_like/
%
North Dakota Bank Robbery

A hooded robber burst into a North Dakota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave North Dakota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.
Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from North Dakota tentatively raised his hand and said, "You know, my wife got a pretty good look at you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63i87c/north_dakota_bank_robbery/
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What do you think of wind and solar energy?

I am a big fan, I believe they have a bright future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63i6pd/what_do_you_think_of_wind_and_solar_energy/
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I think the hardest thing I've ever had to come to grips with is the fact that I'll never be witty.

Well, that and my penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63i6b6/i_think_the_hardest_thing_ive_ever_had_to_come_to/
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A friend of mine was recently accused of having sex with one of his clients...

As a result, he has been publicly humiliated, and is probably going to be indicted any day. On top of that, a wonderful marriage, not to mention years of schooling and training, wasted for a moment of weakness. It's such a shame, for he was truly a nice guy, and an absolutely gifted mortician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63i52l/a_friend_of_mine_was_recently_accused_of_having/
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"IT'S A BOY!" I shouted....

with tears rolling down my face.
"I don't believe it, a boy!!"
It was at that moment that I decided that I would never visit Thailand again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63i4nh/its_a_boy_i_shouted/
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A store that sells new husbands has opened where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor
or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go
back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: **Floor 1**- These
men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: **Floor 2** - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: **Floor 3** - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: **Floor 4** - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: **Floor 5** - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: **Floor 6** - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The First floor has wives that love sex.
The Second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63i3l8/a_store_that_sells_new_husbands_has_opened_where/
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I waited until the last minute to study for my drivers exam

and ended up taking a crash course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63i0ll/i_waited_until_the_last_minute_to_study_for_my/
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I told my hot coworker how I felt and she felt the same way...

So I turned on the air conditioning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hwfm/i_told_my_hot_coworker_how_i_felt_and_she_felt/
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I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices

He says I don't have a psychiatrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hud9/i_told_my_psychiatrist_that_ive_been_hearing/
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A blonde, redhead, and a brunette are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde because she is the only one who is 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hte0/a_blonde_redhead_and_a_brunette_are_all_in_the/
%
Whenever I weigh out my butter substitute

I try to get within the Margarine of error

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ht4o/whenever_i_weigh_out_my_butter_substitute/
%
You know how when you get punched in the eye you get a black eye?

will someone punch me in the dick?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hqa4/you_know_how_when_you_get_punched_in_the_eye_you/
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Doctor: I have your diagnosis.

Patient: Can you tell me quickly? I don't have much time.
Doctor: Oh so you knew it already?
Patient: What?
Doctor: What?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hp8p/doctor_i_have_your_diagnosis/
%
A man is in the hospital....

A man is in the hospital with burns on his arms and legs, and he's got an oxygen mask covering most of his face. The nurse comes in one day to give him a sponge bath. So she washes his arms, chest, then moves down to his legs and feet. She finishes up, and is packing up her things, when she hears from under the mask,
"Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Startled, she says, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't check that for you. You'll have to ask the doctor."
So she goes back to packing up her things, when she hears another muffled, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
A bit annoyed, she say, "Sir, I'm very sorry, but I can be fired if I do that. It's unprofessional."
So she packs up her things, and she's almost out the door, when yet again, she hears the man muffle from under the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Really annoyed now, she exclaims, "ALRIGHT! I'll check for you!"
So she walks over to the man, pulls down the blanket, pulls up his hospital gown, lifts up his penis, and inspects his testicles.
"Sir, no need to worry, your testicles are not black."
The man then pulls his oxygen mask off, and says, "Well thank you nurse.................. but are my TEST RESULTS  back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hon7/a_man_is_in_the_hospital/
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What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?

Guys will actually search for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hnve/whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a_golf/
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I got so drunk last night, that this morning I was blowing chunks!

Worst part is, Chunks is my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hnsw/i_got_so_drunk_last_night_that_this_morning_i_was/
%
My lesbian neighbours asked me what gift I wanted for my wedding

I was quite surprised when they gave me a rolex. It was an extremely generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hnmd/my_lesbian_neighbours_asked_me_what_gift_i_wanted/
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My girlfriend has been feeling ashamed of recent weight she put on...

So I decided that I'll make her feel better and lift her up and spin her around like we used to do. It went well, I was able to pick her up and see her smile again. I was even able to hide the fact that I shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hl99/my_girlfriend_has_been_feeling_ashamed_of_recent/
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What are denser than black holes?

Flat earthers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hjbr/what_are_denser_than_black_holes/
%
Somebody help me find my apples!

The man cried fruitlessly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hj9w/somebody_help_me_find_my_apples/
%
What are Wolverine's favorite type of cookie?

SNIKT-doodles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hhek/what_are_wolverines_favorite_type_of_cookie/
%
I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss, nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said, "Turn left here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hepg/i_was_in_a_cab_today_and_the_cab_driver_said_i/
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A boy sees his dad smoking [NSFW]

So the boy asks if he can smoke, to which the dad replied: "I don't know son, does your dick touch your asshole?" The boy replied, "no".
Later he sees him drinking a beer and asks if he can have one. "I don't know son, does your dick touch your asshole?" Again, no.
That night the boy is making cookies with his mother and the dad walks in. "Boy those cookies look great, can I have one"
Seeing his chance the boy asks his dad if his dick touches his asshole.
When the dad tells him that it does indeed, the boy replies: "That's great dad, cause you can go fuck yourself these are my cookies"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hdsg/a_boy_sees_his_dad_smoking_nsfw/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63hda2/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Drinking problem

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.
Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
Next night, bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man happily announces as he approaches.
Bartender thinks: "This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard previous night."
He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me again, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out.
Third night in the row, bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!" The man calls out as he approaches.
Bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: "What, no drink for ME tonight?"
The drunk looks at him and says: "Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63h85j/drinking_problem/
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Whores and Hockey Players

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.   The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.   He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.   Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"   The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."   "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.   The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."   "Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"   The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63h61n/whores_and_hockey_players/
%
Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary and cannot remember the gift that you sent. I may correspond in the future with you further."
Days later in the wise men's house, another letter arrives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63h47u/jesus_writes_a_letter_to_the_three_wise_men_years/
%
Why do african kids get off school earlier than american kids?

they dont need a lunch break

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63gx66/why_do_african_kids_get_off_school_earlier_than/
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I like my women like I like my OJ...

Black and in handcuffs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63gtyo/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_oj/
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What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese woman?

You would have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63gtjk/whats_the_worst_thing_about_breaking_up_with_a/
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Harvard University accepted my application!

I'm going to be their best janitor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63grup/harvard_university_accepted_my_application/
%
A pilot passed through a rainbow on his flight test.

He passed with flying colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63gokt/a_pilot_passed_through_a_rainbow_on_his_flight/
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Why did the libertarian cross the road?

None of your damn business. Am I being detained?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63goi5/why_did_the_libertarian_cross_the_road/
%
In my spare time I like to help blind people.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63go6k/in_my_spare_time_i_like_to_help_blind_people/
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How many gears does a french tank have?

6, 1 forward and 5 reverse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63go63/how_many_gears_does_a_french_tank_have/
%
Have I ever told you of Seamus? Oh no...

One evening while I was vacationing in Scotland, I had decided to visit a pub near the piers. It was an older establishment, and all the more cozy for it.
As I sat there enjoying my drink at the bar, I noticed that a drunken fellow a few stools away from me would occasionally glance at me and grimace before taking a sip of his drink.
After what felt like an eternity, he finally shouted over to me, "Have I ever told you of Seamus? That's  me. D'ye see them piers down there, boy. I built them piers with me own two hands..." He interrupted himself to sip his drink once more. "...and they don't call me Seamus the builder... No... No..."
He glanced away, seeming to be lost in his thoughts for a moment.
He looked at me again and continued, "and right here, this countertop, I chiseled the tiles and laid them flush and flat and cemented them into place, and they don't call ME Seamus the tiler..."
He paused and finished his drink,
"But you fuck ONE goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ge7r/have_i_ever_told_you_of_seamus_oh_no/
%
Planning on wearing a slutty costume for Halloween?

Dress up as my professors, they barely cover anything important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63gdcg/planning_on_wearing_a_slutty_costume_for_halloween/
%
Cheap British hookers are the best

...pound for pound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63gbbe/cheap_british_hookers_are_the_best/
%
A man walks into a bank.

A man walks into a bank, and up to the teller.
"Can I help you, sir?"
"Yeah, I wanna open a fucking checking account."
"Sir, you don’t need to use that kind of language."
"I just wanna open a fucking checking account!"
"Sir, please stop that, or I will get my manager."
"I said, I wanna open a fucking checking account!"
"That’s it, I’m bringing my manager to talk to you."
She walks into his office, and comes back out a minute later with the manager. He walks up to the man at the counter.
"Now what’s the problem here?"
"Look, I just won 10 million dollars in the lottery, and I want to open a fucking checking account."
"I see, and this bitch is giving you trouble?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63garr/a_man_walks_into_a_bank/
%
I think we can get Republicans on board with climate change initiatives if we just focus on consequences that mean something to them.

I've read that polar ice is melting causing polar bears to migrate south.  They've actually started sharing habitat with grizzly bears and are even interbreeding with them. Now if there's one thing Republicans hate more than science it's interracial marriage. So all we need to do is let them know that global warming is causing proud white bears to hook up with little brown ones and the GOP should come right around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63g52f/i_think_we_can_get_republicans_on_board_with/
%
I went to a really trendy nightclub in town.

The doorman said, “Sorry mate, you’ve had too many.
” I said, “Drinks?”
He said, “Birthdays.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63fzxj/i_went_to_a_really_trendy_nightclub_in_town/
%
Guy has a two-foot long dick...

And he thinks it is way too big, and he looks for ways to make it smaller. One day, he finds out about a witch in the woods who can solve his problem.
When he went to the witch, she told him to look for a frog by the stream and ask the frog to have sex with him. The frog will say no, and his penis will shrink by five inches.
He goes to the frog, and asks him, "will you have sex with me?" The frog said "no!" and his penis shrunk by four inches.
He thought this was great and asked again, "will you have sex with me?" The frog again said "no!" and his penis shrunk by five inches.
The man was very pleased and thought his penis was still a little too big. He decided to ask the frog one last time, "will you have sex with me?"
"How many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63fvel/guy_has_a_twofoot_long_dick/
%
What do you call it when Frankenstein's Monster gets a boner?

A reserrection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63fu2k/what_do_you_call_it_when_frankensteins_monster/
%
A german mom, a french mom, and a russian mom all just had a baby in the same hospital...

A nurse gathers them all up and tells them that there has been a mix up and maybe they can ID which baby is theirs. The german mom says, "I'll go first. HAIL HITLER." One of the babys does a Hitler salute so she takes her baby and leaves. Then the russian mom picks up a baby. The french mom asks, "How do you know that baby is yours?" The russian mom replies, "Because when the german said hail Hitler the other baby was the only one that shit itself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63frr3/a_german_mom_a_french_mom_and_a_russian_mom_all/
%
Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven ate nine grams of bath salts and then killed all of the other numbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63fp26/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
No Dogs Allowed.

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my guide dog."
"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my guide dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63fha6/no_dogs_allowed/
%
My dog can do magic tricks...

He's an Abracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63fbyr/my_dog_can_do_magic_tricks/
%
What did Jesus say right before the last supper?

Everybody get on this side of the table if you want to be in the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63f6cm/what_did_jesus_say_right_before_the_last_supper/
%
Sat on a piece of glass the other day...

What a pane in the ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63f6bi/sat_on_a_piece_of_glass_the_other_day/
%
Lunatic Asylum staff draw a realistic looking door on a wall

The staff tell all the crazy people that whoever exits through that door can leave the facility..
all the lunatics stampede and hurt themselves in the process but keep trying-- everyone wants to be the first to get out.
The staff notices one of the lunatics who is not participating but is watching the rest from a distance while laughing uncontrollably. They approach him, thinking that he got the gist..
They ask him "why are you laughing"
He answers "Those idiots think they can leave through that door, but there's no way they can"
The staff become excited that at least one of their patients is showing signs of sanity-- they ask him "why can't they leave?"
He stops laughing and looks at them with a serious face "because I have the only key"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63f55h/lunatic_asylum_staff_draw_a_realistic_looking/
%
Donald Trump's speeches can travel faster than the speed of light

Cuz they contain no information

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63f0ae/donald_trumps_speeches_can_travel_faster_than_the/
%
"Did you know that there's another, Hebrew name for God?"

"No way!"
"Yahweh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63eymy/did_you_know_that_theres_another_hebrew_name_for/
%
Went to the first baseball game of the year with my wife yesterday

We made a deal so that after every pitch, I would kiss her on the strikes and she would kiss me on the balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63eqhg/went_to_the_first_baseball_game_of_the_year_with/
%
I tried to eat a clock once

It took me all day, but I did it. It was very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63eokz/i_tried_to_eat_a_clock_once/
%
A hefty, muscular gun toting blond guy from Austin Texas goes to a bar on his Harley Davidson.

He parks the bike outside, goes in and orders a drink.
Now the regulars at this bar have a habit of picking on newcomers. So when the blond goes back his bike is missing from its spot. He walks back in.
He shouts out
Which one of ya'll fuckers stole my Harley?
Nobody answers. He caresses his gun and says
Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get another drink and if ma bike ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna do the same thing I did back in Austin. And I don't like what I did back in Austin.
True to his word, he orders a drink and goes back out, to find his Harley back where it was!
As he puts on his helmet, the bar owner asks him
If you don't mind me asking, what did you do back in Austin?
The blond replies
I had to walk back home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63entz/a_hefty_muscular_gun_toting_blond_guy_from_austin/
%
Toothbrush (Long)

3 men apply for a sales job at toothbrush company. The first day the manger send them out for their first try at selling toothbrushes.
At the end of the day they come back and report in:
Manager, “how many did you sell?
First guy, “I sold 42.”
Manager, “Not bad”
Second guy, “I sold 86”
Manager, “Keep it up!”
Third guy, “mm I didn’t thell any”
Manager, “ok you’ll have to do better”
The next week they go out again.
1st guy, “I sold 108”
2nd guy “I sold 235”
3rd guy, “I thold two toofbrushes, I bought 1 and my mom bought one”
Ok guys the is the last week, do your best.
1st guy, “I sold 784!”
Manager, “Great you’re hired!
2nd guy, “I sold 962!”
Manger, “Way to go you’re hired!”
3rd guy, “I thold 3 thousand nine hundred and theventy-six”
Manager, “3,976! That’s a company record! How did you do it?!”
3rd guy, “I wenth to the airport and thet up 2 bowls. As people walked by I said, “Have a chip it’sh free. Then I said have some dip it’sh free. Then they’d say eww this dip tastes like shit! And I’d say it is wanna buy a toothbrush?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ek0u/toothbrush_long/
%
What was Forrest Gump's email password?

"1forrest1"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ei2y/what_was_forrest_gumps_email_password/
%
I saw an ad for burial plots

and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ehvl/i_saw_an_ad_for_burial_plots/
%
yearly repost : ducks walks in to a bar

Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No mate, this is a bar
Duck: Got any bread ?
Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ehie/yearly_repost_ducks_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
You may be kind..

but German children are kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63egfi/you_may_be_kind/
%
The Bikini exposes up to 90% of the female body...

...but men are so classy we only look at the covered 10%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63efvv/the_bikini_exposes_up_to_90_of_the_female_body/
%
My mum’s sister always builds up jokes and then the punch lines turn out to be shit.

Aunty Climax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ecu6/my_mums_sister_always_builds_up_jokes_and_then/
%
I got fired form the zoo.

Apparently the sign "Don't feed the animals" was only meant for the visitors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ecdh/i_got_fired_form_the_zoo/
%
A priest and a rabbi were running out of a burning children's hospital

The priest asks "should we help the children?" The Rabbi answers "No, fuck the children!" To which the priest asks "do you think we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ec87/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_were_running_out_of_a/
%
A lady and her little boy is eating in a restaurant. In an oversight, the kid swallows a coin and starts choking.

The mother tried hitting his back, slapping on the neck, shaking him hard without any success to make him spit the coin.
A man gets up from a nearby table, he lowers boy's pants, and squeezes his testicles. Voila! The boy  spits out the coin.
The mother thanked the gentleman and asked ," Sir, are you a doctor?"
"No, ma'am, I work for IRS.
We are trained to squeeze the balls of everyone to make them cough up the last penny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63e9lj/a_lady_and_her_little_boy_is_eating_in_a/
%
I work in a machine tools factory,now i can talk more about my job.........

but its mostly boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63e9h0/i_work_in_a_machine_tools_factorynow_i_can_talk/
%
[Long]Paddy died in a fire...

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63e6sl/longpaddy_died_in_a_fire/
%
What did the frustrated cannibal do?

Throw up his hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63e5tr/what_did_the_frustrated_cannibal_do/
%
An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.
Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?"
The Russian: "The Indian, of course".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63e2nh/an_american_an_indian_and_a_russian_got_in_hell/
%
How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.
German lightbulbs are very high quality and never break.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63e2ml/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Donald Trump is on his first state visit to Angela Merkel in Berlin...

After a bit of small talk, he asks Merkel, which is the secret of her great success.
Merkel tells him that you only need to have many intelligent people around you.
"How do you know so soon, if someone is intelligent?" Asks Trump.
"Let me demonstrate," Merkel answers.
She reaches for the telephone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question:
"Mr. Schäuble, it's the son of your father, but is not your brother. Who is it?"
Without hesitation, Schäuble answers:
"Very simple, that's me!"
"Look," says Merkel to Trump, "this is how i test the intelligence of the people around me."
Trump flies back to America enthusiastically.
At home, he immediately calls his Vice Pence to ask him the same question:
"It is the son of your father, but is not your brother. Who is it?"
After a long pause, Pence says:
"I have no idea, but I will try to figure out the answer by tomorrow!"
Pence just does not get it and decides to seek advice from former President Obama.
He calls him:
"Mr. Obama - it is the son of your father, but it's not your brother. Who is it?"
Obama fast as a gun:
"Very simple, that's me!"
Happy to have found the answer, Pence calls at Trump and says triumphantly:
"I have the answer, it's Barack Obama!"
Trump yells at him, shocked:
"No, you idiot, it's Wolfgang Schäuble!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63e1cg/donald_trump_is_on_his_first_state_visit_to/
%
What do you get when you square root a Muslim?

Radical Islam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63dzf2/what_do_you_get_when_you_square_root_a_muslim/
%
What do you call a girl who'll go home with any guy after he buy her a hearty Italian meal?

A pasta-tute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63dude/what_do_you_call_a_girl_wholl_go_home_with_any/
%
Why is a pirated copy of a Sigourney Weaver film Donald Trump's least favourite movie?

It's an Illegal Alien.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63dspo/why_is_a_pirated_copy_of_a_sigourney_weaver_film/
%
I asked my mate if he could get me a job at the tampon factory where he works.

“There’s no openings at the moment,” he said, “but I’ll see if I can pull some strings.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63drv9/i_asked_my_mate_if_he_could_get_me_a_job_at_the/
%
What does going to a prostitute make you?

Buysexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63dqy0/what_does_going_to_a_prostitute_make_you/
%
My neighbours are really obnoxious and crass

So now I know how Canada feels...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63dp34/my_neighbours_are_really_obnoxious_and_crass/
%
What did Pablo Escobar say when he was ratted out by members of his own cartel?

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63dp0a/what_did_pablo_escobar_say_when_he_was_ratted_out/
%
What's the first thing a woman should do after returning home from the battered women's shelter?

The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63dngc/whats_the_first_thing_a_woman_should_do_after/
%
Why doesn't anyone trick or treat at Susan Rice's House?

Because she unmasks them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63dmbv/why_doesnt_anyone_trick_or_treat_at_susan_rices/
%
I've been in jail for 5 minutes and already got raped twice.

I'm fucking done playing monopoly with my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63dic3/ive_been_in_jail_for_5_minutes_and_already_got/
%
Why are abortion clinics like a trip to Chuck E Cheese?

It brings out the kid in you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63dddy/why_are_abortion_clinics_like_a_trip_to_chuck_e/
%
I was gonna post a joke about sodium.

But, Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63dco6/i_was_gonna_post_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
Do I know any jokes about sodium, bromine and oxygen?

NaBrO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63dbvx/do_i_know_any_jokes_about_sodium_bromine_and/
%
What is more dangerous than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63da2o/what_is_more_dangerous_than_running_with_scissors/
%
An old man dies and goes up to heaven

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only one guy in this line. Slowly the old man walks over to him, "Tell me, why are you standing over here?". The guy looks at him and says "I don't know, my wife told me to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63da22/an_old_man_dies_and_goes_up_to_heaven/
%
This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?'
….and you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?
That, Carson is complete composure, or aplomb."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63d8bi/this_message_is_for_those_who_appreciate_the/
%
How to commit suicide?

Climb up to Trumps ego and jump down to his IQ﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63d5cg/how_to_commit_suicide/
%
An essay should be like a skirt.

Long enough to cover everything but short enough to keep your attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63d2y9/an_essay_should_be_like_a_skirt/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just shoot the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63d1y9/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
My Chinese friend died the other day...

So Yung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63d1no/my_chinese_friend_died_the_other_day/
%
Magic Beer

A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he’s drinking.
He says, “Magic beer. You want one?”
“Aw, that’s stupid. There’s no such thing” she says.
“Look, I’ll show you”. He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window.
“That’s incredible! I don’t believe it!” she says.
“Hey barkeep, throw me another one o’ them Magic Beers”. The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again.
“Here, you try it” he says to the blonde.
She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground – breaking both her legs – and begins screaming in pain.
The bartender says, “Superman, you’re a real ba*tard when you’re drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63czg2/magic_beer/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday.

She said "she didn't see me enough", and I said, "well that's dumb, now you're never going to see me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63crxv/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_yesterday/
%
A blonde goes to a bar

and orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's breasts and splashes all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her breasts.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her breasts, the man jumps up and starts to lick. She decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, "Jeez, lady... Why do you let the bartender do it and not me?"
"Helloooo!" says the blonde. "Bert has a licker license.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63cqfk/a_blonde_goes_to_a_bar/
%
What does a dominatrix and Indiana Jones have in common?

They both ride on top of subs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63cnok/what_does_a_dominatrix_and_indiana_jones_have_in/
%
I had a threesome once...

There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63cnlj/i_had_a_threesome_once/
%
Ever forgotten a password?

Just call your local NSA agent and ask!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ckzd/ever_forgotten_a_password/
%
When I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ck2a/when_i_have_sex_its_a_race_to_see_who_comes_first/
%
Just dropped my phone in mayonnaise

Fucking Hellman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63cjjf/just_dropped_my_phone_in_mayonnaise/
%
This fat girl came on to me in a club..

“I’m out to get pissed and have a good time, I’ve left the kids and my other half at home, ” She said,
“Fuck me, ” I replied, “just how big are you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ci5d/this_fat_girl_came_on_to_me_in_a_club/
%
My Jewish girlfriend got mad when I let out a fart while watching tv.

I said, honey. A little gas never hurt anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63cgaj/my_jewish_girlfriend_got_mad_when_i_let_out_a/
%
DAD JOKE!!

Oh look kids, a train just passed here.
Gee dad how can you tell that?
Well look, you can see it's tracks!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63cf36/dad_joke/
%
Just got a bike for my wife.

It was a good trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63cey7/just_got_a_bike_for_my_wife/
%
I just joined the pessimists club.

Only had to fill out half or the registration form.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63cemc/i_just_joined_the_pessimists_club/
%
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.

Not to cause any trouble but... shouldn't that be an even number?﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63cec5/just_read_that_4153237_people_got_married_last/
%
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs....

on your door step? matt.
on your wall? Art.
on your coffee machine? Joe.
in your pool? Fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63cdd1/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
DNA Test

Dad: What’s ur Result?
Son: I’ve failed in 5 subjects.
Dad: From now Onwards Don’t Call Me “DAD”.
Son: Oh Come On Dad!
Its my School Test Not a DNA Test.. :-D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ccbp/dna_test/
%
Did you hear about that guy who died from crushing a Coke in a hydraulic press?

It was soda-pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63cc09/did_you_hear_about_that_guy_who_died_from/
%
Why did the scarecrow get an award?

Because it was out standing it its field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63cbu8/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_an_award/
%
What happened to the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?

He died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63cb4d/what_happened_to_the_guy_who_fell_into_the/
%
I was recently asked how I view lesibians.

Apparently in HD isn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63cb3f/i_was_recently_asked_how_i_view_lesibians/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63c87j/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
Don't show up late for a cannibal's dinner party...

You'll get the cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63c6ge/dont_show_up_late_for_a_cannibals_dinner_party/
%
Our government leaders have obviously never played Civ....

If they had they would know that not investing in education science and the economy coupled with an unreasonably large military is a a good way to get worked over by Gandhi later in the game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63c2oh/our_government_leaders_have_obviously_never/
%
The rabbi is leaving

Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!.” The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!”
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex."There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”
Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said: 'Fuck him.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63c2n2/the_rabbi_is_leaving/
%
If I was an element on the Periodic Table...

...I'd be a noble gas. I don't form bonds easily, if at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63c1kc/if_i_was_an_element_on_the_periodic_table/
%
I looked up the results of a french rowing race

Turns out my favorite boat got sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63bxz1/i_looked_up_the_results_of_a_french_rowing_race/
%
What is Harry Potter's favorite way of getting down a hill?

Walking.
...JK rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63bvda/what_is_harry_potters_favorite_way_of_getting/
%
How Do Miners Make Money?

By stripping or working the shaft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63br9f/how_do_miners_make_money/
%
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night, wondering whether or not there is a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63bnha/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
%
Did you know?

The swimming pools in the Titanic are still full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63bkia/did_you_know/
%
Lawyers and their dogs.

In 1989 the University of Nottingham funded a study to explore the relationship that develops between people and their dogs.
They got three people with dogs: an architect, a mathematician, and a lawyer. The took the dogs and put them in a large room, placing three biscuits in front of each dog.
The architect’s dog used his biscuits to build a complete Neo-Roman cathedral, complete with a fountain in front. (nice!)
The mathematician’s dog arranged his biscuits in a proof that showed Pythagoras was mistaken.
The lawyer’s dog ground his biscuits up, snorted them, fucked the other two dogs, and left early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63bk0b/lawyers_and_their_dogs/
%
Happy Couple

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
Rodney Dangerfield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63bjsa/happy_couple/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest actually accomplishes something when it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63bj0r/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
What do you call a psychic midget on the lam?

A small medium at large.
Friend just told me this one thought you may enjoy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63bidb/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_on_the_lam/
%
What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

Last year's winner of hide and seek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63bhpt/what_do_you_call_a_dead_blonde_in_a_closet/
%
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer

where in a forest, when out of a sudden, a bunch of armed savage men surround them and say these 3 guys trespassed their territory, and they should die.
But one savage came up with an idea ; The three men where sent under guard to the forest and told to take 10 fruits each from a tree.
The doctor took 7 mangoes, thinking it would be his last meal before dying. As he rushed back to eat in peace, he was told to put all the mangoes one by one in his ass  without making a sound, if he did make a sound he'll be shot to dead. No need to say that at the 4tg mango poor doctor was on his way to heaven.
The engineer came running too with 10 grapes, lucky guy was he, as he was told to do same as the doctor. All was fine until the 9th grape where he burst into laughter and was shot dead.
Up in heaven the doctor asks him «But dude, you where so close, why'd burst into laughter»
Engineer «I saw the lawyer running towards us with 10 HUGE coconuts, I couldn't resist»

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63bhhg/a_doctor_an_engineer_and_a_lawyer/
%
What happens when a duck bends over?

You can see its butt quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63be14/what_happens_when_a_duck_bends_over/
%
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.
(my 10 year old claims to have made this one up)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63bdxu/why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
%
My friend told me that her girlfriend liked the same things as him.

So I asked: "Do you like penises or does she like vaginas?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63bd60/my_friend_told_me_that_her_girlfriend_liked_the/
%
A Bus Full Of Ugly People Had A Head-On Collision With A Truck

When they died, God decided to grant them each one wish.
The first person said "I wish I was beautiful." God snapped his fingers and the person was beautiful.
The second person wished for the same thing, and God granted that wish as well. This kept going on throughout the group, each person wishing to be beautiful or attractive or sexy. At some point, God noticed a man in the back of the group giggling to himself. When there were only ten people left waiting to make their wishes, the man was laughing uncontrollably. When the man's turn came, he was rolling on the ground, and when God asked what his wish was he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63bcw6/a_bus_full_of_ugly_people_had_a_headon_collision/
%
I have sexdaily...

...but other people think I just have dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63bbn5/i_have_sexdaily/
%
What did the sperm whale have on his front porch?

A whalecum mat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ba1v/what_did_the_sperm_whale_have_on_his_front_porch/
%
Every time I put my key in the ignition, a light comes on that says, "depress clutch to start."

So I lean down and tell the clutch, "Everybody likes brake and accelerater better than you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ba03/every_time_i_put_my_key_in_the_ignition_a_light/
%
I'm not sure what the best response to my wife telling me "we're having quadruplets" is....

But apparently "How many of them should we abort?" wasn't it.
Women.
(Joke credit to me)
I'll take a curtsy and show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63b9df/im_not_sure_what_the_best_response_to_my_wife/
%
A married man should forget his mistakes...

There is no use in two people remembering the same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63b8kq/a_married_man_should_forget_his_mistakes/
%
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.

It was *tense*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63b2w9/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walked_into_a/
%
I watch a lot of videos about portable furniture.

I like seeing how they unfold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63b2bv/i_watch_a_lot_of_videos_about_portable_furniture/
%
When the inventor of the USB dies...

they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63b23m/when_the_inventor_of_the_usb_dies/
%
What do you call a Nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63b110/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ayk5/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
This vehicle stopped on a dime.

Unfortunately the dime was in Joeys pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63ay57/this_vehicle_stopped_on_a_dime/
%
what animal takes up the most land?

a groundhog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63atu8/what_animal_takes_up_the_most_land/
%
Welcome to the United States...

Where the laws are made up and the votes don't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63atlb/welcome_to_the_united_states/
%
Did you ever blow Bubbles as a kid?

Because Bubbles is back in town and he wants your number..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63arr9/did_you_ever_blow_bubbles_as_a_kid/
%
I walked into the doctor's office one day.

"It appears that you are severely depressed, so I reccomend you take some medication for this..." the doctor told me, writing something down.
I asked, "How much longer do I have to live?"
Confused, the doctor replied "Sir, besides depression, you're actually very healthy."
I asked again "I know, but how much longer do I *have* to live?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63aox1/i_walked_into_the_doctors_office_one_day/
%
Ben Carson was asked why he didn't want to be Secretary of State.

He answered: "to...me....everyone...seems...like...they...are...always...Russian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63aksp/ben_carson_was_asked_why_he_didnt_want_to_be/
%
What do you call a one-legged lady?

Eileen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63aiu1/what_do_you_call_a_onelegged_lady/
%
The man who loved tractors

A while ago, there was this man living in Devonshire called Paul. He lived in the rural areas and LOVED tractors. Big ones, small ones, long ones, short ones, red ones, green ones, grey ones, you name it. He was also a member of the Tractor Society, which would put out a magazine every month.
It was called "Tractor monthly" and boy, did he adore it. He would have a mini party every time it came out; champagne, cigars and all. It had information on the top-end vehicles that graced the English countryside with pride. But what he loved most was that at the back, there were huge posters of tractors that he would take out and put on his wall.
It was the day that his favourite magazine would publish another issue. He sat on his tractor-shaped chair, just waiting for it to slip through the letterbox, and it did. He lit a cigar and popped open his Moet and Chandon, then grabbed it. He flicked through the pages, and to his absolute disgust, the posters were gone! He called up the publishing company to file a complaint, but was told that they had cancelled the posters due to budget cuts.
Distraught, Paul went into a fit of rage. He put up all his model tractors for sale, ripped down all his posters and went outside with an axe, about to destroy his most prized possession- his 1969 John Deere- when he thought that just for all times sake, he would take the old girl for a final ride.
He rode it to the local pub to drown out his sorrows with lager and ale. He drank and drank, and it seemed to help. But then something horrible happened. The whole place caught on fire. Everyone else ran around, trying to get out as the building filled up with smoke. Paul took a last sip of his beverage and inhaled all of the smoke. He then blew it all out of the window. One person, clearly amazed, said:
"How the hell did you do that?"
To which Paul replied,
"I'm an ex-tractor fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63agb8/the_man_who_loved_tractors/
%
A flower shop burst into flame...

It was a florist fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63af8l/a_flower_shop_burst_into_flame/
%
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Allergies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63adh8/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
%
Why was Noah the best business man in the bible?

He floated his stock while everyone else was being liquidated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63acwq/why_was_noah_the_best_business_man_in_the_bible/
%
Two over-acheivers walk into a bar.

Clearly the bar wasn't set high enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63abt4/two_overacheivers_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why did Waldo wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63aa49/why_did_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
My roommate came up to me and said "What rhymes with orange?"

I said "No it doesn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63a6od/my_roommate_came_up_to_me_and_said_what_rhymes/
%
What's the worst thing about sex as a fat guy?

The fact that my armpits are wetter than the girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63a61e/whats_the_worst_thing_about_sex_as_a_fat_guy/
%
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph cause he isn't a full essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63a4an/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
What has 7 eyes and 7 legs?

A ship with 7 pirates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63a2fh/what_has_7_eyes_and_7_legs/
%
Why does Stephen Hawking only do one-liners?

He can't do stand up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/639yco/why_does_stephen_hawking_only_do_oneliners/
%
My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/639ogg/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
%
Women are like farts...

trust one too much and it will turn to shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/639oa5/women_are_like_farts/
%
What did the therapist tell Usain Bolt?

You sane, Bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/639j2y/what_did_the_therapist_tell_usain_bolt/
%
A blonde woman walks into a shop

and says
"I'd like to buy that tv"
The man replies
"You cannot"
The woman replies
"Why not?"
The man says "because you're blonde"
So, the woman walks out and dyes her hair brown and returns later that day. She says to the man
"I'd like to buy that tv"
He replies
"You cant because you're blonde"
She says
"What?!  How do you know??!"
He says
Because that's not a TV that's a microwave"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/639h4h/a_blonde_woman_walks_into_a_shop/
%
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?

...banned from the zoo. (Learned that the hard way)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/639h2y/what_do_you_get_when_you_insert_human_dna_into_a/
%
What's infinity plus infinity?

2 infinity. And beyond!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/639fr2/whats_infinity_plus_infinity/
%
An Irishman walks into a bar

. The bartender says: "Where you from?"
Irishman replies: "Dublin, Ireland."
Bartender: "Oh, really?"
Irishman: "No, O'Reilly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/639ene/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity

She kept screaming "I'm Wei Tu Yung" like I was supposed to know the name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/639cao/i_think_i_banged_a_chinese_celebrity/
%
Shotgun to the Crotch

Lem and Ephis are out hunting.  They take a break to take a squirt in the woods when one of the dogs knocks over one of the shotguns.  The gun goes off and hitting Ephis directly in the crotch.
Ephis screams in pain!
"Oh my God, Ephis!" says Lem, "We're going to have to get you to see Doc Cider right away!"
"We better hurry!!" screams Ephis.
Later, they arrive at Doc Cider's office..
"Well Ephis, I should tell you that we have some bad news and some good news." says Doc Cider.
"What's the good news?!" asks Ephis.
"You're going to be ok!" assures Doc Cider.
"What's the bad news then?!" begs Ephis.
"Well, you have some pretty extensive damage to your groin. Lots of holes in that thing of yours," explains Doc Cider, "I'm going to refer you to my sister."
"Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks Ephis
"No no no," says Doc Cider, "She plays flute for the NY Philharmonic and she's going to show you where to place your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/639are/shotgun_to_the_crotch/
%
BREAKING NEWS: A truck full of viagra has just been stolen

Police are on the lookout for hardened criminals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6397zv/breaking_news_a_truck_full_of_viagra_has_just/
%
How does a robot do a one night stand?

It nuts and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6397xe/how_does_a_robot_do_a_one_night_stand/
%
If you were camping and woke up in the morning with vaseline between your thighs and butt crack would you tell anyone?

No? Wanna go camping?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63975x/if_you_were_camping_and_woke_up_in_the_morning/
%
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/638ycw/a_dad_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps_you_if/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/638vnm/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
I tried to come up with a math joke...

but all my ideas were derivative
and the punchline didn't add up.
Anyway, comedy has no absolute value.
Your jokes are sum of the best,
but minus not very funny
because I'm a perfect square.
I halve one, I guess...
but you're too obtuse to get it,
and trying to simplify it
has left me divided
and at my limit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/638uxt/i_tried_to_come_up_with_a_math_joke/
%
What month do Native Americans hate the most?

April. April showering bring May flowers. Mayflowers bring the pilgrims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/638u2b/what_month_do_native_americans_hate_the_most/
%
Two hikers were surprised by a bear...

...and started running as fast as they could. The bear was behind them but they could hear it coming. Suddenly one of the hikers stops running, sits down, and starts going through his pack. The other hiker doubles back and yells, "What the hell are you doing?". The first pulls a pair of sneakers from his pack and starts removing his boots. The second hiker yells, "Do you really think wearing sneakers will help you outrun a bear?!?" to which the first narrows his eyes and replies, "Nope, don't have to outrun the bear..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/638tj3/two_hikers_were_surprised_by_a_bear/
%
What do smoking cigarettes and licking pussy have in common?

The flavour gets stronger as you get closer to the butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/638o14/what_do_smoking_cigarettes_and_licking_pussy_have/
%
I will never forget my Grandfather's last words,

"At least I didn't die because my grandson was shaking the ladder like all those other grandpas on r/jokes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/638ke3/i_will_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
%
Heaven and Hell

Heaven is:
Indian wife
Chinese food
British home
American salary
Hell is:
American wife
British food
Chinese home
Indian salary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/638ijx/heaven_and_hell/
%
Why is everyone a social justice warrior ?

Couldn't they pick another class ? Like social justice mage or social justice hunter ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/638ho0/why_is_everyone_a_social_justice_warrior/
%
Headache & testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decided to see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."'
Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new Suit."
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long"
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new Underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure..."
The salesman said, "Let's see..... size 36"
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6389xq/headache_testicles/
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I’ve just joined the Flat Earth Society.

We have members around the globe. (credit https://thejokecafe.com )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6388vn/ive_just_joined_the_flat_earth_society/
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job interview

interviewer:  What would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: My honesty.
interviewer:  I don't think honesty is a weakness.
me:  I don't give a fuck what you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6385ug/job_interview/
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Where does Reddit get its sex tips?

The Karma Sutra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/638224/where_does_reddit_get_its_sex_tips/
%
At a Chinese restaurant

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6380gj/at_a_chinese_restaurant/
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My friend asked me, "How did you come out?"

In elementary school, someone walked up to me and said, 'Are you gay?'
I said no.
Then he asked, 'Do your parents know you're gay yet?'
Without thinking, I said 'No.'
I tried redacting it, but it was too late.
I was gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/637z67/my_friend_asked_me_how_did_you_come_out/
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I've memorized all the digits in pi, I'm not sure why everyone thinks it's so hard.

0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/637ykg/ive_memorized_all_the_digits_in_pi_im_not_sure/
%
I bet my sister £20 i could make a car from spaghetti.

You should of seen her face when i drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/637wtk/i_bet_my_sister_20_i_could_make_a_car_from/
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Dr. Who

A: - Knock knock.
B: - Who's there?
A: - Doctor.
B: - Doctor who?
A: - Yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/637rxe/dr_who/
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After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night...

his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/637re3/after_tucking_their_threeyearold_child_sammy_in/
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How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three.
One to screw in the lightbulb. The second to tell you they are vegans.
The third because I don't want this to be a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/637m9h/how_many_vegans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
A lady walked into a pharmacy

She asked the pharmacist, "Do you have viagra?" "Yes," he answered. "Does it really work?" she asked. "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/637kvb/a_lady_walked_into_a_pharmacy/
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A Japanese guy, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan are all on a plane

.
There was heavy turbulence. The pilot said that three people needed to jump out, with their belongings as well.
The Japanese guy steps out. He gets a bunch of hi-tech objects, and says, "This is too much in my country," throws them out, and jumps out.
The Frenchman grabs his shipment of wine, grabs a bottle, and says, "This is too much in my country," drinks it down, throw the shipment out, and jumped out.
Then, it was down to the Mexican and Texan. Then, the Texan steps out and takes a breath. He then turns around, grabs the Mexican, and yells, "Remember the Alamo!", then throws him out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/637hpj/a_japanese_guy_frenchman_mexican_and_texan_are/
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A man told me to to put an erect penis in my ear.

I have to admit, it sounded hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/637fct/a_man_told_me_to_to_put_an_erect_penis_in_my_ear/
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A friend in need...

Ever since Rob was a child, he had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' Rob said.
Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A friend cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV".
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did the friend cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - There ain't nobody under the bed now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/637ebu/a_friend_in_need/
%
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim."

...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/637e9p/instead_of_the_john_i_call_my_toilet_the_jim/
%
Drinking alcohol is like calculus.

You have to know your limits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/637asd/drinking_alcohol_is_like_calculus/
%
A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table...

...took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will be married thirty years, and there's something I must know. In all of these thirty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Beth swallowed hard and replied, "Well, Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these thirty years, but always for a good reason."
Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'for a good reason'?"
Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"Beth replied, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?  Well, I went to see your doctor one night and if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." "I do recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that.
Now tell me about the third time.""All right," Beth said.
"Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6379cy/a_couple_was_having_dinner_one_evening_when_the/
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A solider gets transferred to an outpost in the desert

When he arrives the commanding officer shows him around. After they've visited the barracks the officer brings him to a shed with a camel inside and explains:
"As you might've noticed, this is an all male unit and we're far away from civilization. Everyone here knows that even a soldier has needs. So if you're ever really horny and you need to release tension, you can go in this shed, take the camel and th-"
Soldier: "Ugh, please stop talking, that's disgusting! I would never use a camel for that!"
A few weeks later the soldier got more and more lustful. One day he just can't take it anymore. So he walks to the shed, lets down his pants and starts to bang the camel.
After a few seconds the officer enters and tells him:
"Hey man, I get that you really needed to release that pressure... but why didn't you ride to the next town and find a woman like everyone else?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6375tl/a_solider_gets_transferred_to_an_outpost_in_the/
%
Yesterday, a blind woman told me I had a big penis.

I think she was pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6375b9/yesterday_a_blind_woman_told_me_i_had_a_big_penis/
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Adam

was walking in the garden and cried out to God, “You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.” And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.” And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.” And God said, “Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.” And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.” And the Lord said, “I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.” And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn’t give a rat’s ass one way or the other !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6374zb/adam/
%
My grandpa has Alzheimer's. Easter is his favorite holiday.

Because he can hide his own Easter eggs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6373mf/my_grandpa_has_alzheimers_easter_is_his_favorite/
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Islamic men get 72 virgins when they die. What do Islamic women get?

73 sets of clothes to wash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6372o8/islamic_men_get_72_virgins_when_they_die_what_do/
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A mother takes her little son to the doctor for a check-up.

After some time, he leaves the doctor's office with a little packet in his hand.
"Doctor said I should take this." the boy explains disinterestedly.
"What is that?" the mother asks him.
"Dunno."
"Well, go back in and ask the doctor what exactly that is."
So the boy goes back into the office, and comes back a short time later.
"They're pills, and I should take them regularly."
"How often?" the mother immediately asks.
Her son shrugs.
"Well, go back in and ask him!".
The son does just that, and comes back a few seconds later. "Twice a day, he says."
"And how?" the mother asks on.
"I didn't ask that." the son admits.
"Then go and do that!"
Another few minutes later, the son comes back and says, "Rectally."
"And what does that mean?" she asks him, exasperated.
Again, he shrugs.
"Go. Back. Inside. And. Ask!" the mother orders him.
And so the son goes, and comes back almost immediately.
"Mom, now I think I made him angry. He told me I should take them and shove them up my arse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63715l/a_mother_takes_her_little_son_to_the_doctor_for_a/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Indian man were all in the maternity ward of a hospital ready to collect their babies.

When a midwife comes over to them and explains, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but there's been a mix-up with the babies and we no longer know whose is whose."
The Englishman immediately goes over to the brown baby and picks it up.
The midwife asks, "are you sure that's your baby, sir?"
"No" says the Englishman, "but there's no way I'm going home with a french one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6370yq/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_an_indian_man_were/
%
I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring.

So I guess I made it home okay...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6370ky/i_got_hammered_last_night_and_woke_up_next_to/
%
Why don't Jewish girls study on their period?

Concentration Cramps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636zoq/why_dont_jewish_girls_study_on_their_period/
%
I went to this TV repairman's wedding

The reception was great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636z31/i_went_to_this_tv_repairmans_wedding/
%
Little Johnny Knows the Alphabet.

One day in school, the teacher wanted her kids to go through the alphabet and give a word that started with each letter. She started with 'A'.
Little Johnny was waving his arm higher than all the other kids. She didn't want to call on him, because he was a pervert and always said dirty things.
She called on Betty instead. Betty stood up and said "Apple".
"Very good, Betty! Next is the letter 'B' ." Again, Little Johnny was waving his arm as high as he could, but she picked Andy instead.
"Butterfly."
"Excellent, Andy! How about 'C' ." Little Johnny was almost having a seizure he was waving so hard. The teacher picked Billy, still afraid of what Little Johnny would say.
"Caterpillar."
"Great job, Billy!"
She continued going through the alphabet, never calling on Little Johnny. When she got to 'R', Little Johnny was the only child waving his arm. She thought to herself and couldn't think of anything too bad that started with 'R' so she said, "OK Johnny, give me a word that starts with 'R' ."
Little Johnny stood up straight, smiled and yelled,
"RATS!!!! BIG FUCKING RATS WITH COCKS THIS FUCKING LONG!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636ycj/little_johnny_knows_the_alphabet/
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How do you know America is the greatest country in the world?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636xnt/how_do_you_know_america_is_the_greatest_country/
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My girlfriend made me wear a camouflage condom

... she never saw me coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636xbs/my_girlfriend_made_me_wear_a_camouflage_condom/
%
What's the manliest job a man could do?

Mail man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636x5r/whats_the_manliest_job_a_man_could_do/
%
How many seconds are in 6 weeks?

10!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636txa/how_many_seconds_are_in_6_weeks/
%
You can tell if a girl likes you easily by her ankles.

If they're by your ears, she likes you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636tcq/you_can_tell_if_a_girl_likes_you_easily_by_her/
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What did the obese girl left knee said to her right knee ?

nothing. they never met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636qut/what_did_the_obese_girl_left_knee_said_to_her/
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The Robocar

A man ordered for a automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pickup children from school as she was tired.
The man agreed and said to the car," Car, go and bring my children from school. The car went and didn't return on time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no sign of car, the man became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.
As he and his wife stepped outside they saw a car coming overloaded with children.
The car parked right in front on them and said, " here are your children sir!"
In the car there were landlady's two daughters, his wife's best friend's daughter , his secretary sonsand their neighbours two sons.
His wife said in anger," don't tell me that all these children are yours.
Man replied calmy," first you tell me that why our children are not In the car?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636nlh/the_robocar/
%
tHE gREEKS INVENTED SEX!

The Italians introduced the concept to women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636gka/the_greeks_invented_sex/
%
Damn, are you gold, titanium, sulfur, titanium, carbon?

Because you look AU TI S TI C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636f8z/damn_are_you_gold_titanium_sulfur_titanium_carbon/
%
I will never go bungee jumping

I was brought into this world by broken rubber, and I'm not about to be taken out by it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636f5a/i_will_never_go_bungee_jumping/
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A priest goes on vacation

The priest in a small town decided to go on vacation for a week. He called his apprentice and told him to take over his activities. He warned him he would also have to take confessions. The apprentice had no idea how to do that but the priest assured him it was easy. "Just listen to them and tell them to say Hail Mary afterwards", he explained.
On the first day the apprentice was left alone, a young woman comes inside the church. She wants to confess herself. "Forgive me father for I have sinned" she says, "I pleasured a man sexually with my mouth".
The apprentice gets nervous and doesn't know how many Hail Mary's she should say, so he opens the door of the confession booth in order to look for help. He sees one of the boys from the church choir and whispers "Hey, Jack, come here! What does the priest give for a blowjob?". "A Snickers and a Cola", says Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636ewi/a_priest_goes_on_vacation/
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What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636dp4/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_with_a_yeast/
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Two men walk into an Irish bar, one of them pushing a wheelbarrow full of body parts...

When the bartender sees this the bartender exclaims "Jesus Christ, Murphy, what in God's name is that?"
Murphy replies "Don't you recognize me old pal Smitty?"
"Well what the hell happened to him?"
Murphy sighs "Well me and Smitty and Mickey here we're walking down the street when we found this genie lamp lying in the gutter, so Smitty rubs it and out pops this genie. He says he's got three wishes, one for each of us. Smitty here goes first. You know he was trying to get in shape but for the ladies but his drinking was getting in the way, so he says to the genie 'I want to be shredded but still be able to drink as much as I want.' So the genie, he just slaps his hands together and Smitty shreds up and falls into this pile of arms and legs."
Bartender says "You're kidding me."
"No" Mickey replies. "He's still alive. Pour him a pint."
Bartender pours a pint and Murphy holds the glass to Smitty's dismembered head which promptly drinks down the entire pint.
"That's amazing" said the bartender. The entire bar was watching now watching in wonder. "Are you going to wish him back to normal?"
"Nah," said Murphy. "When I saw what happened I just wished I had a wheelbarrow so I could bring Smitty down to the bar and show me boys how fucking stupid he was."
Bartender looks at Mickey. "What about you?"
"Oh just wished I could see the looks on everyone's face when you heard Murphy tell the story."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636cp1/two_men_walk_into_an_irish_bar_one_of_them/
%
So, I hate small talk.

What about you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/636alo/so_i_hate_small_talk/
%
I put your name on my alarm clock...

every time I wake up I get to smash you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6363kn/i_put_your_name_on_my_alarm_clock/
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What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea?

Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635zq5/what_did_the_professional_diving_roach_say_to_his/
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How do you get Germans to start a war?

Win the previous war.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635x4i/how_do_you_get_germans_to_start_a_war/
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What is a stoner's favorite mathematical term/status?

Hypotenuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635wky/what_is_a_stoners_favorite_mathematical_termstatus/
%
What distance does light travel on a diet?

Lite years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635vl0/what_distance_does_light_travel_on_a_diet/
%
What is de most enjoyable household appliance?

De light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635usi/what_is_de_most_enjoyable_household_appliance/
%
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"
Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."
The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"
The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635sin/two_guys_from_michigan_die_and_wake_up_in_hell/
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I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full"

Couldn't turn it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635rs5/i_saw_an_ad_in_a_shop_window_tv_for_5_volume/
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A little kid takes out his mother's DL from her her purse...

his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him
the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"
she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"
"and what is that?" says his mother
"you're old" says the kid
"and i learned your height"
"which is?' says the mother
"your really tall" he says
"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"
"and, i learned your weight" he says
"and what is that?" asks the mother
"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says
the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"
"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"
"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"
"because, you got an f in sex"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635qkg/a_little_kid_takes_out_his_mothers_dl_from_her/
%
Johnny was sitting in a class......

Johnny was sitting in a class doing math problems and his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.",replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Feeling irritated, Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nevously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635qi6/johnny_was_sitting_in_a_class/
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There was a fight in a fish and chip shop!

Two fish got battered ;).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635ptv/there_was_a_fight_in_a_fish_and_chip_shop/
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How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to tell you they are vegans.
.......
Well apparently the correct answer is three. The extra one is needed to post whiny replies when they all get triggered by this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635o01/how_many_vegans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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A couple of years ago...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635kj1/a_couple_of_years_ago/
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I was cleaning my yard when my dog brought a dead rabbit to me.

This wasn't just any ordinary rabbit.
I could tell that this was one of my neighbors prized rabbits that he used for shows.
Seeing as I didn't want my neighbor knowing my dog killed his rabbit, I washed the blood off the rabbit and that night put the rabbit back into its cage at my neighbors house.
I hoped that he would think his rabbit died of sickness or natural causes.
The next evening we were sitting drinking beers and he says to me,
"There are some seriously twisted people out there."
And I said,
"What do you mean by that?"
He told me,
"I had one of my prized rabbits die, so I buried it, and some sick fuck dug it up and put it back in its cage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635j8q/i_was_cleaning_my_yard_when_my_dog_brought_a_dead/
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An Arab man has been walking the hot desert alone for weeks

As the town is still a few days' walk from his position, he knows death is almost certain if he doesn't find help soon, before the food and water runs out.
After a while, he spots something familiar on the horizon. He can't believe his eyes. IT'S A CAMEL! "This is exactly what I needed!", thinks the ecstatic man. He then crabs a rope from his backpack and hides behind a rock, waiting for the camel. As the camel gets near, the man is quick enough to catch it with the rope, but can't seem to calm it down.
After a long struggle with the stubborn camel, the man almost can't believe his luck when he looks to his right and sees this gorgeous woman walking towards him. The woman seems really desperate as  she mutters "water..." The man looks at his last bottle of water and says "I've been walking for weeks in this death trap of a desert and have been fighting this fucking camel for dominance for hours, so hope you understand that I can't just give you the water for free." The thirsty woman says "I'll do anything for even half  the bottle."
"ANYTHING?" Says the man with really poorly hidden excitement. "Yes, please!" pleads the woman. The man then gives her the bottle. After drinking half the water, she asks him what he would like to do.
"Hold the rope while I fuck the camel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635h5k/an_arab_man_has_been_walking_the_hot_desert_alone/
%
Q: Why did the Software Validation Engineer cheat on his wife?

A: Because he was doing exploratory testing!
Q: Why did he cheat on her second time?
A: Because he was doing stress testing.
Q: And why did he cheat for the third time?
A: Because he is an asshole, after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635gs8/q_why_did_the_software_validation_engineer_cheat/
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The Truth About The Beatles

John was the brain
Paul was the heart
George was the spirit
Ringo was the drummer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635fiy/the_truth_about_the_beatles/
%
Why did the dinosaur miss work?

He was Jurassick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635bnu/why_did_the_dinosaur_miss_work/
%
The Democratic People's Republic of North Korea

Why is Kim Jong Un so evil? Because he has no Seoul. In fact, he made a Korea out of it.
Why was Kim Il Sung evil sometimes but not evil other times? He used to have a Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635b5j/the_democratic_peoples_republic_of_north_korea/
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I'm thwarting a global cyber attack using Binary

I guess you could say I'm defending the world, One Zero at a time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/635aq8/im_thwarting_a_global_cyber_attack_using_binary/
%
I've got really slow reaction times

April fools!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6359ib/ive_got_really_slow_reaction_times/
%
I only have a PC so I can't play all the new exclusives.

I am just inconsolable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6353ps/i_only_have_a_pc_so_i_cant_play_all_the_new/
%
Il never forget my grandfathers final words.

"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6351l4/il_never_forget_my_grandfathers_final_words/
%
What's a scientist's favorite type of dog?

A lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/634zr7/whats_a_scientists_favorite_type_of_dog/
%
I hate my life

I have a low paying job which I put my life and soul into, but my boss doesn't pay me shit. I have a neighbor who I try to be friends with, but he rejects me everytime. My only best friend is a retarded man who is too lazy to get a job. I can't get a driver's license, no matter how hard I study I fail the test everytime. And the worse part, I live in a pineapple under the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/634smn/i_hate_my_life/
%
A man goes to a doctor after being hit by a car...

Dr. : How did it happen?
Man: I was sunbathing when a female driver ran over me.
Dr. : I would say it's your fault. It's common sense not to sunbathe in the lawn when you know there are female drivers on the road.
Man: But doctor I was sunbathing on the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/634rij/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor_after_being_hit_by_a_car/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/634q40/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
A black guy, a jew and a white guy are on a plane.

The plane starts jolting up and down. It starts slowly falling towards the ground. The pilot tells the passengers to throw something off the plane that they have too much of.
Hearing this, black guy throws half his penis.
Seeing what the first guy did, the jew throws the tip of his nose.
Seeing what the other two did, the white guy throws up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/634q25/a_black_guy_a_jew_and_a_white_guy_are_on_a_plane/
%
I love summer in Canada!

It's my favorite day of the year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/634n86/i_love_summer_in_canada/
%
I was turned into butter once.

It's dairy important to me, it was a churning point in my life and I think I'm a butter man now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/634khw/i_was_turned_into_butter_once/
%
A deer walks into a gay bar

He comes out wasted, saying "I can't believe I blew fifty bucks back there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/634kbl/a_deer_walks_into_a_gay_bar/
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The doctor told me he needs blood, urine, stool, and semen samples.

I handed him my underwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/634k92/the_doctor_told_me_he_needs_blood_urine_stool_and/
%
I once dumped a cross eyed chick

I thought she was seeing other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/634ip5/i_once_dumped_a_cross_eyed_chick/
%
What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/634hjc/what_do_mexicans_use_to_cut_their_pizza/
%
Have you ever had sex while camping?

It's fucking intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/634fuo/have_you_ever_had_sex_while_camping/
%
What do you call a man with a rubber toe ?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/634eqq/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
Can we all just take a moment...

To appreciate how remarkable white boards are??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6347zu/can_we_all_just_take_a_moment/
%
What’s the smallest unit of time in the known universe?

The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6345d6/whats_the_smallest_unit_of_time_in_the_known/
%
I almost had threesome last night

I just needed 2 more people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6345a4/i_almost_had_threesome_last_night/
%
I don't play Uno with my Mexican friends..

They're always stealing the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63441a/i_dont_play_uno_with_my_mexican_friends/
%
I met a woman with 8 sons named Joe...

I met a woman with 8 sons named Joe;
I said, "They're all named Joe?"
She said "Yeah it's great! When it's time for dinner I just have to yell "Joe! Dinner!" and they all come running.
I said, "but what do you do if you just want one of them?"
She said, "Oh then I just use their last name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633ysm/i_met_a_woman_with_8_sons_named_joe/
%
High school is like a noose

Extremely painful but it's over before you know it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633x2b/high_school_is_like_a_noose/
%
What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?

They would be more possessive and have more frequent contractions!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633s5f/what_if_instead_of_periods_women_had_apostrophes/
%
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633rvl/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
Did you hear about the inner city kid who got that track scholarship?

He overcame many hurdles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633rcn/did_you_hear_about_the_inner_city_kid_who_got/
%
Why did the limb doctor get arrested?

Possession of arms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633o3i/why_did_the_limb_doctor_get_arrested/
%
How can Trump improve both his golf game and presidency?

Reduce the number of downhill lies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633nvt/how_can_trump_improve_both_his_golf_game_and/
%
How do you make a pig float?

One cup pig, two scoops ice cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633mky/how_do_you_make_a_pig_float/
%
What did the man say to the feminist to get her angry?

Nothing. The fact that he didn't say anything to her made her think that he thought he was superior and therefore a sexist, misogynistic, scum of the earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633j12/what_did_the_man_say_to_the_feminist_to_get_her/
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I convinced my girlfriend to get over her fear of skydiving...

Her funeral is on Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633i1u/i_convinced_my_girlfriend_to_get_over_her_fear_of/
%
The doctor is the only man...

Who can get your wife to undress and make you pay for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633et4/the_doctor_is_the_only_man/
%
I'm studying human anatomy.

It's a polite way of saying, "I'm watching people".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633epj/im_studying_human_anatomy/
%
Everyone makes 9/11 jokes.

I think they are just plane wrong, honestly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633e85/everyone_makes_911_jokes/
%
What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A Roamin' Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633deo/what_do_you_call_a_sleep_walking_nun/
%
Three Blondes Are Ready to Graduate from the police academy.

The head detective meets them.
"Much to my surprise, you have passed every test so far. Now, your final task will be identifying a suspect after only receiving a brief glimpse at him."
The three blondes are shown the mugshot.
"Now, how will you identify this man," the detective asks.
"Well, he only has one eye," says the first blonde. The detective sighs.
"That's because that is a side view of the suspect."
The second blonde suddenly pipes up.
"We can recognize him easily because he has only one ear!" she exclaims.
The detective sighs. He looks at the third blonde and says:
"Remember, this is a side view. How will we identify this suspect."
The third blonde ponders for a few seconds.
"He has to be wearing contact lenses."
The detective is astonished, the suspect does indeed wear contact lenses.
"How, how did you know this?" he asks.
"Well with one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633dbo/three_blondes_are_ready_to_graduate_from_the/
%
A Polish tourist goes to Australia, and orders a bloody steak.

The waiter, not to be outdone, asks him if he wants a few fucking potatoes to go with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633c5d/a_polish_tourist_goes_to_australia_and_orders_a/
%
What do ducks wear to weddings?

Duxedos!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633bf6/what_do_ducks_wear_to_weddings/
%
Why should you never write with a dull pencil?

Because it's pointless....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/633ar7/why_should_you_never_write_with_a_dull_pencil/
%
How can you tell that a Chinese person has been in your house?

Your cat's missing, your computer's fixed, and he's still trying to back out of the driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63349r/how_can_you_tell_that_a_chinese_person_has_been/
%
What did the giant fan say to its owner?

I'm your biggest fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6330f8/what_did_the_giant_fan_say_to_its_owner/
%
I was bullied at school. They always stole my dinner money and gave me wedgies. One day they flushed my head down the toilet

It was then i decide to give up teaching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632zjd/i_was_bullied_at_school_they_always_stole_my/
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Running with a car

If you run in front of a car, you get tired.
If you run in back of a car, you get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632zgc/running_with_a_car/
%
What do you call a rat that has reached enlightenment?

A Buddha-Pest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632yaz/what_do_you_call_a_rat_that_has_reached/
%
What do my girlfriend and ethical capitalism have in common?

They don't exist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632yat/what_do_my_girlfriend_and_ethical_capitalism_have/
%
I was driving a jeep in a new video game

It was a little buggy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632vv1/i_was_driving_a_jeep_in_a_new_video_game/
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This is the thing I don't understand about eating booty

They say you shouldn't shit where you eat, but apparently it's okay to eat where you shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632ulj/this_is_the_thing_i_dont_understand_about_eating/
%
Don't know what touched me more as a child...

Michael Jackson's music or Michael Jackson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632u0m/dont_know_what_touched_me_more_as_a_child/
%
What do you call a average potato that narrates sporting events?

A common-tater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632t68/what_do_you_call_a_average_potato_that_narrates/
%
I played outside once

The graphics were great but the story was shit, the spawn time was awful, I hated most of the characters and the tutorial lasted 18 goddamn years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632s0r/i_played_outside_once/
%
Some people just shouldn't smoke!

You will not believe what just happened. I was running some last minute errands before my trip, earlier this evening, and I stopped at Shell to get a drink. I noticed two police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas. I saw her and thought, "Is she stupid"?! I went in and got my drink. As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming. I looked outside and the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around going crazy! I ran outside and the cops had put her on the ground and were putting the fire out with their coffees!! Yes, their coffees...Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car.. I was thinking "She shouldn't have been smoking near the pump while getting gas!" But being the curious person that I am, I asked the cops what they were arresting her for.. The cop looked me dead in my eyes and said ... "WAVING A FIREARM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632pt5/some_people_just_shouldnt_smoke/
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If karma was a currency, Reddit would be a capitalist society

But I've figured out how to make reddit into a communist society.
They just need to seize the memes of production.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632pir/if_karma_was_a_currency_reddit_would_be_a/
%
After my hot water stopped I contacted a professional. I was very surprised when the plumber arrived as he was an actual duck! He sorted my boiler while we chatted, he didn't realise how impressive a talking duck was so I told him to go see the circus down the road....

"why the fuck would a circus need a plumber?" was his only response.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632otu/after_my_hot_water_stopped_i_contacted_a/
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She Left Him

A man's wife left him because he couldn't stop counting.
She's not sure what he's up to now.
(Credit to Brian & Ron Boychuck)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632mf9/she_left_him/
%
Paddy is passing by Eddie's barn one day...

...when through a gap in the door he sees Eddie doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
"What on earth are you doing Eddie?" says Paddy.
"Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin' shite out of me" says an obviously embarrassed Eddie. "Me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the marriage counsellor suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632ker/paddy_is_passing_by_eddies_barn_one_day/
%
I didn't understand why I couldn't see the sun...

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632jub/i_didnt_understand_why_i_couldnt_see_the_sun/
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years...

I didn't want to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632foc/i_havent_spoken_to_my_wife_in_years/
%
where did Timmy go when the bomb went off?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632edu/where_did_timmy_go_when_the_bomb_went_off/
%
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.

The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632dgm/two_rabbits_were_being_chased_by_a_pack_of_wolves/
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A desperate wife was talking to her doctor...

She told the doctor, "My husband isn't interested in sex anymore and I don't know what to do!  I love him so much but I have my own sexual needs as well.  Do you have anything to help us?"
Doctor pulled out his prescription pad and started to write, "Slip one of these pills in his dinner tonight and I guarantee you two will find passion again, but I'll warn you, these are powerful pills. Don't give him more than the prescribed dose."
Overcome with hope the wife ran home and started to prepare her husbands dinner along with a single pill mixed in with his portion.   That night they made love and it was wonderful, so wonderful the wife decided to do it again the next night, but instead slipped in 2 pills.   The sex was even more intense and amazing.  They went almost all night and still felt great in the morning.
The next night the wife decided to see how far they could take their lust and slipped in 10 pills.  A few days later the doctors phone rang, and when he picked up, he was talking to the wife's son.
"Are you the Doctor that gave my Mom the pills she has been slipping in my Dad's dinner?" He asked with an accusatory tone.
"Why, yes.  What seems to be the problem?  Where is your mother?"  The doctor replied.
"I knew it!  Because of you my Mom's in the hospital, my sister is pregnant, my own ass is so sore I can barely walk, and the last I saw my Dad before the cops came for him, he was running around the house saying, 'Here kitty, kitty!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632ckl/a_desperate_wife_was_talking_to_her_doctor/
%
Three Men Downtown

Three men were taking a stroll downtown.
Two of them walked into a bar.
The third one ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632bcu/three_men_downtown/
%
One day, Billy was playing at home with some matches.

Even though his mother had told him not to. He accidentally set the house on fire, and he and his mother fled outside. As the house was burning down, his enraged mother said,
"Boy, your dad is going to spank you when he gets home".
But Billy just laughed; he knew his dad had come home early for a nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632ady/one_day_billy_was_playing_at_home_with_some/
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How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/632a21/how_do_you_get_americans_to_join_a_world_war/
%
When I was a kid I was best friends with twins.

Turns out it was just one kid with ADHD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63287g/when_i_was_a_kid_i_was_best_friends_with_twins/
%
A Buddhist, a priest and a Rabbi go to a barber...

A buddhist goes to a barber. After his haircut is finished he asks about the price and the barber says for a man of faith there is no cost. The next day the barber finds a gold statue of buddha on the steps of his shop.
A priest goes to the barber to get his hair cut. After his haircut is finished he asks about the price and the barber says for a man of faith there is no cost. The next day the barber finds a well woven cloak on the steps of his shop.
A rabbi goes to the barber to get his hair cut. After his haircut is finished he asks about the price and the barber says for a man of faith there is no cost. The next day he finds a dozen rabbi on the steps of his shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6325kj/a_buddhist_a_priest_and_a_rabbi_go_to_a_barber/
%
What do you call an Italian girl inside a church steeple?

Isabella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6325d8/what_do_you_call_an_italian_girl_inside_a_church/
%
My pet rock was crippled in an accident

It's been hard on all of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63258s/my_pet_rock_was_crippled_in_an_accident/
%
A man who can't sleep goes to his doctor.

A man goes to his doctor and says "doc, I can't sleep. I've tried everything. Sleeping pills, counting sheep, nothing works." the doctor, who's an elderly Irish man says "well I'll tell you what works for me, son." he then sings "one hundred bottles of beer on the wall" and suggests the man do the same until he falls asleep. The man agrees and that night tries it. He counts "one hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer" and goes all the way to zero with no luck, he still can't sleep. He tries again the next night with no luck. On the third day he returns to the doctor and says "No luck, Doc. I still can't sleep"
The doctor, with a confused look on his face, replies "that's odd, after fourteen bottles, I pass out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63250e/a_man_who_cant_sleep_goes_to_his_doctor/
%
How does an eskimo have sex?

He goes inuit, outuit, inuit, outuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6320mk/how_does_an_eskimo_have_sex/
%
What's the fastest animal in the world?

The Spanish government worker. The job ends at 3 and he's home by 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631ydm/whats_the_fastest_animal_in_the_world/
%
Why doesn't Peter Pan fight?

Because his punches Neverland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631y7s/why_doesnt_peter_pan_fight/
%
Excuse me, can you help me find the sperm bank?

Sure, it's the one with the sign that says, "Come inside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631xeq/excuse_me_can_you_help_me_find_the_sperm_bank/
%
TIL that cows, pigs, and dogs can actually talk!

It was my first time watching "The View".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631seb/til_that_cows_pigs_and_dogs_can_actually_talk/
%
A father walks by his son's room

A father walks by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631pes/a_father_walks_by_his_sons_room/
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Whenever I'm on the toilet, I like to make puns...

They're pretty crap, but it's some funny shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631oss/whenever_im_on_the_toilet_i_like_to_make_puns/
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Once upon a time, a King wanted to have some fun...

.... He went on a podium and said loudly: "I will give half of my fortune to anyone who manages to tell me a lie that I, myself, admit that it's a lie."
An old man walked to the King and said: "I can draw rainbows wherever I want."
The King replied: "That's true, I saw you making one yesterday and it was really pretty."
A soldier then walked to the King while everyone stared at him, and said: "Your majesty, I have a gun that shoots atomic bombs."
The King quickly said: "That's great, and by the way, good job on Hiroshima."
&nbsp;
After hearing all that, the kingdom was discouraged to ask any further questions because it would simply end the same; the King can always find a way to dodge that lie.
Almost desperate, a young boy approached the King holding a barrel and loudly said: "I lent you a barrel of gold last week".
The King said: "That's a lie."
The boy replied: "Give me half of your fortune then!"
The King quickly said: "Wait, I remember, you did lend you me barrel of gold last week."
Smirking, the boy shouted: "Give it back to me then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631l7c/once_upon_a_time_a_king_wanted_to_have_some_fun/
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My Grandfather

is a really cool guy. He has a heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631k9s/my_grandfather/
%
There are 10 types of people in the world

* Those who understand hexadecimal
* F the rest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631h9i/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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LPT: If you know somebody with dyslexia that uses public transport, offer to help them read their timetable to prevent any mixups.

Whoops, wrong bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631gx6/lpt_if_you_know_somebody_with_dyslexia_that_uses/
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A man dies and goes to hell...

He gets down to hell and the first thing he does is meet the devil. The devil says, "Welcome to hell! You have three options for where you get to spend eternity. Let's go check them out."
The devil and the man start walking down a hallway. The devil opens the first door and says "Here's your first option!" The man looks inside and sees a huge room filled with people standing on a bed of nails, clearly in pain.
The man says, "Lets go check the other options."
The devil then leads him to another room, opens the door, and says, "Here's your second option!" The man looks inside and sees another huge room of people, this time standing on a burning bed of nails. He realizes this is worse than the first option.
"Let's go check the last option", he says to the devil.
They then walk down the hall to another room and the devil opens the door. The man looks inside and sees a room, a bit smaller than the rest, filled with people standing in a foot of shit. But they don't look like they're in pain, and they're standing around chatting and drinking coffee. The man quickly sees this as the best option and tells the devil this is where he would like to spend eternity.
He walks in and grabs a cup of coffee and starts talking with the other damned souls. It smells awful, but he figured he'll get used to it. He's in there for about fifteen minutes before the supervising demon grabs a megaphone and yells:
"Okay, break's over! Back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631ggs/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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I used to race snails when I was younger...

... And I thought that removing the shells would make them go faster, however, it only made them more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631eyb/i_used_to_race_snails_when_i_was_younger/
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What has forty legs and two teeth?

A Klan rally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631e3c/what_has_forty_legs_and_two_teeth/
%
"I work in a thousand story building"

Said the librarian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631e2g/i_work_in_a_thousand_story_building/
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The Pirates pants

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says to him "why have you got a steering wheel on your pants isn't that annoying".
The Pirate says "Aye its driving me nuts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631cq9/the_pirates_pants/
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What do vasectomies and breathalyzers have in common?

The goal is to blow a zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/631byp/what_do_vasectomies_and_breathalyzers_have_in/
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Delicate Corporate Matter

**Delicate Corporate Matter**
All the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman’s office one by one... until only Bob, the junior-most member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.
He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down,  the chairman turned to Bob,  looked him squarely in the eye, and in a stern voice, asked ...
“Bob, have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”
“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.
“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.
“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”
“You’d swear to that?”
“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”
“Good, then YOU FIRE HER!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63199h/delicate_corporate_matter/
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Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing

You should never look down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6318hu/receiving_oral_sex_from_an_ugly_person_is_like/
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I cried as my dad chopped up onions.

Onions was a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6318fb/i_cried_as_my_dad_chopped_up_onions/
%
What is the most common phrase used by Stephen Hawking?

Fuck you auto correct!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63183l/what_is_the_most_common_phrase_used_by_stephen/
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Genders

I couldn't decide what gender I should be today, so I flipped a coin...
*flips a coin*
Wait a minute, how many sides does a coin have...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6317ju/genders/
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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6315l9/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
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Can you believe that the final answer on my statistics exam was: 50/50

What are the odds?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63155k/can_you_believe_that_the_final_answer_on_my/
%
Why don't ants ever get sick?

They all have those anty-bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6313ns/why_dont_ants_ever_get_sick/
%
Math are like relationships...

You see your x and you think y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6312nr/math_are_like_relationships/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?

...Christian Bail...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6310xe/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_out_on/
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God visits Hell...

**God:** Hey, it's not burning hot and miserable here! What happened? You've had an excellent track record of torturing blasphemous souls here!
**The devil:** Yeah, you know how smart people tend to not believe in you and consequently end up going here? Well, enough came in and figured out air conditioning.
**God:** And you *let* them do that?
**The devil:** Well, yeah, they haven't done anything wrong except not believing in you. Honestly, you're so narcissistic sometimes. So I ended up giving them some happiness to fill their afterlife.
**God:** But eternal happiness is my gig! That's what's heaven's for! I'm going to have to sue you over this!
**The devil:** You can't do that.
**God:** Why not?
**The devil**: All lawyers are in hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6310ht/god_visits_hell/
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A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem...

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630zth/a_man_and_his_young_wife_were_in_divorce_court/
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Communism jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630zsd/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
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Doctor said a healthy diet consisted of a lot of colors...

So I ate skittles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630zkt/doctor_said_a_healthy_diet_consisted_of_a_lot_of/
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Reddit wanted proof that I work as a mailman, but I just got fired

Sorry guys, I can't deliver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630ysm/reddit_wanted_proof_that_i_work_as_a_mailman_but/
%
A piece of string walks into a bar...

And the bartender kicks him out while yelling "I don't serve your kind in here, string!" The string really wanted a drink though, so he bent over and rubbed his head on the ground for a bit. Then he ties himself in a bow and walks back inside. The bartender sees him and immediately starts yelling "Aren't you that same string I just kicked out?!" To which the string replies "No sir, I'm a frayed knot".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630y8j/a_piece_of_string_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do ducks poop from?

Their butt quacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630wei/what_do_ducks_poop_from/
%
A vagina is like a tin roof

If you don't nail it enough it will end up at the neighbors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630uc8/a_vagina_is_like_a_tin_roof/
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Why does the Native American always get a table at the nicest restaurants?

He has a reservation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630tsz/why_does_the_native_american_always_get_a_table/
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Gender is like the Twin Towers

There used to be two, and now it's a bit of a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630qwh/gender_is_like_the_twin_towers/
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My mom told me I was supposed to be retarded after suffocating during birth because the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. Which is pretty fucked up...

But I mean, spend 9 months with my mom and you'd try hanging yourself too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630lle/my_mom_told_me_i_was_supposed_to_be_retarded/
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A Spine surgeon's to-do list

1) Get back to work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630l0i/a_spine_surgeons_todo_list/
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What do you get when Wonder Woman has sex with a transformer?

Amazon Prime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630k1j/what_do_you_get_when_wonder_woman_has_sex_with_a/
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A Jew and a gay man goes to heaven(nsfw)

And saint peters says that heaven is full and the only way he'll allow them in is if the Jew stops being so cheap and the gay man stops thinking about gay sex. At that moment the Jew notices a penny on the ground and goes to pick it up and they both dropped to hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630ipf/a_jew_and_a_gay_man_goes_to_heavennsfw/
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What does every Tickle Me Elmo get before leaving the Tyco factory?

A couple of test-tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630hrn/what_does_every_tickle_me_elmo_get_before_leaving/
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So a woman walks into a bar and says "I'M WALKING INTO A BAR!"

The barman says: "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke."
The woman says nothing, but he pours her a free drink anyway.
Why?
Only because he meta before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630fg1/so_a_woman_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_im_walking/
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A fat friend said baldness runs in his family

I replied with nothing runs in your family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630a92/a_fat_friend_said_baldness_runs_in_his_family/
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Give a man a program, and frustrate him for a day.

Teach a man to program, and frustrate him for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6309bs/give_a_man_a_program_and_frustrate_him_for_a_day/
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How to tell if Jesus was Jewish.

- Jesus was unmarried until he was 30.
- Jesus inherited his father's business.
- Jesus thought his mother was a god.
- Jesus believed his mother was virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/630904/how_to_tell_if_jesus_was_jewish/
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Purina diet

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.  A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack as he staggered out the door laughing loudly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63084x/purina_diet/
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So there are two cans on a wall.

One turns to another and squawks in his face before flying to another wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63048r/so_there_are_two_cans_on_a_wall/
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How do you help a mathematician buy a new car?

Cosine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/63037e/how_do_you_help_a_mathematician_buy_a_new_car/
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A reporter interviews a man in the scottish hinterlands

to find out about his best life experiences.
He asks him: "What was the greatest experience in your life so far?"
Guy: "One time one of our sheep got lost in the woods. So the whole village went out and searched for it. And when we found it, everyone took turns and had sex with it. It was awesome!"
Reporter: "That's disgusting! I can't use this. So... what was your second greatest experience?
Guy: "One time the daughter of the mayor got lost in the woods. So the whole village went out and searched for her. And when we found her, everyone took turns and had sex with her.
That was almost as awesome!"
Reporter: "Oh god... I can't use that either. So let me ask you this: What was your worst life experience?"
Guy: "When I got lost in the woods."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6300ol/a_reporter_interviews_a_man_in_the_scottish/
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What did one boob say to the other?

You're my BREAST friend!
Ba dum tits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62zz54/what_did_one_boob_say_to_the_other/
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An engineer dies and is sent to hell.

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators.
The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
(I know it's a repost, but I love this joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62zz3l/an_engineer_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
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Don't ever invest in snowboarding.

That sport is going downhill fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62zwip/dont_ever_invest_in_snowboarding/
%
Why did JFK get some fresh air?

Because he wanted to clear his head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62zqgz/why_did_jfk_get_some_fresh_air/
%
What's the difference between Tang and OJ?

Tang won't kill you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62znob/whats_the_difference_between_tang_and_oj/
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Our family surname is “Daniels”

So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.
She hates it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62zmdx/our_family_surname_is_daniels/
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A man dies and goes to hell

When he arrives the devil starts taking him on a tour and explains the man has to choose a room he wants to stay in for the rest of eternity.
The first room they go to is boiling hot and on fire, so the man passes.
The second room is freezing cold and made of ice, so again, the man passes
They get to the third room and its a few people standing around smoking in ankle high piss. The man tells the devil that he will stay in this room.
After a few minutes of standing around, the devil comes back into the room and says "okay guys breaks over, back on you heads"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62zll7/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62zkxz/getting_married_in_heaven/
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I have a superpower....

...Being invisible to girls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62zio9/i_have_a_superpower/
%
Why didn't the homophobic man wear clothes?

Because they came out of the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62zgys/why_didnt_the_homophobic_man_wear_clothes/
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What is a Mexicans favorite high school sport?

Cross country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62zfia/what_is_a_mexicans_favorite_high_school_sport/
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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".
The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, outraged says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62zdxr/three_contractors_are_bidding_to_fix_a_broken/
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My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62zdjw/my_favourite_film_is_the_hunchback_of_notre_dame/
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Bros, friends, amigos... If she gives you this for her address, just go ahead and move on. Toss that cocktail napkin away. Move on. THere's other fish in the sea. (feel free to add to the list)

• Drinkand Dr.
• Vicious Circle
• West 943,185th Street
• Psycho Path
• Peoples Ct.
• Nofriggin Way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62zd1q/bros_friends_amigos_if_she_gives_you_this_for_her/
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Have you heard of the new thing called a shovel?

It's groundbreaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62zbep/have_you_heard_of_the_new_thing_called_a_shovel/
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So it's April 2nd

And my wife's still pregnant...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62za1i/so_its_april_2nd/
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I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62z9o6/i_have_an_epipen/
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What does the sign on an out of buisness brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62z8k3/what_does_the_sign_on_an_out_of_buisness_brothel/
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There was this really bizarre porn on the other day; it was just a guy on his couch, crying and jerking off.

Turns out I hadn't turned the TV on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62z8d8/there_was_this_really_bizarre_porn_on_the_other/
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"What is a tragedy?", asks Trump.

During one of his campaign trips Donald Trump is visiting an elementary school and goes into one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word “Tragedy.”  So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted businessman. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.  Mr. Trump searches the room.
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room, a boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaims Mr. Trump, “That’s absolutely right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62z7tx/what_is_a_tragedy_asks_trump/
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A tomato; a tap and a hat were having a race...

the tap was running but the hat was on ahead while the tomato couldn't ketchup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62z6r2/a_tomato_a_tap_and_a_hat_were_having_a_race/
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The hat said to the scarf...

you hang around and I'll go on ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62z6dw/the_hat_said_to_the_scarf/
%
Man with a particularly little head

A man is walking on the beach he sees an odd looking elderly man about half a football field away. As he gets closer, he notices that the old man has extremely little head. Out of curiosity, he decides to strike up a conversation.
"How's it going sir?"
"Good, how you doing?"
"Good. Well to be honest, I'm quite baffled by the proportions of your head. Were you born this way or is there a story behind it?"
The old man chuckles as he turns to look at the ocean with a half smile.
"There is a story my friend, a long one but I'll make it short."
He then stops and stares at the ocean again, this time with an intense look on his face.
"I was a sailor that loved the oceans so much, I basically lived out at sea. One night, during a terrible storm, I don't remember exactly what happened, but I pretty much blacked out and woke up stranded on this very beach. I got up and instinctively looked for any signs of civilization when something out in the water caught my eye. It was a mermaid. I couldn't believe my eyes! I instantly tried to communicate with her, and as soon as she heard me, she started swimming towards me."
"The mermaid then says, 'You are the first human being to ever see one of us in real life, so I'll grant you one wish, anything you'd like.' "
The stranded sailor is overjoyed and says "Okay, how about a little head?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62z4ya/man_with_a_particularly_little_head/
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What do you get if you cross a parrot and a centipede?

A walkie-talkie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62z3tc/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_parrot_and_a/
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Why are all Jewish men circumsized?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62z2c2/why_are_all_jewish_men_circumsized/
%
A man walked up to his girlfriend

He said, "babe, I'm going to use all the letters from A to K to compliment you.
"You are Alluring, Beautiful, Cute, Dainty, Elegant, Fair, Gorgeous, Hot..."
He then pauses for a second.
"Why did you stop?" She asks.
"I'm Just Kidding.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62z0xm/a_man_walked_up_to_his_girlfriend/
%
I have my own private jet.

The rest of the jaccuzi belongs to my roommate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62z0fb/i_have_my_own_private_jet/
%
A man dies and goes to hell

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks,
"What do they do there?"
He told, "First they put you in an electric chair♨ for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."
The man doesn't like it, so he moves on and checks out the American hell, the Russian hell and hells of other countries.
He finds that they're all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long queue of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells; so why are so many people waiting to get in here?" wonders the man.
He is told, "Because the maintenance here is so bad that the electric chair does not work.
Someone has stolen all the nails from the bed
and the Indian devil is a former government servant,
So he just comes, signs the attendance register and then goes to the canteen."
Thanks everyone for the upvote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62yxy8/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
I got asked what side of a swimming pool I prefer to jump in.

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62yvuo/i_got_asked_what_side_of_a_swimming_pool_i_prefer/
%
A boy and his Grandfather..

...are sitting on a park bench when they catch sight of two dogs having sex.
The boy asks "Grandpa, what are they doing?"
The Grandfather not wanting to start what could be a difficult conversation replies "The one at the back has bad paws and the one in front is giving him a lift home"
The boys ponders this for a few seconds before replying "It just go's to show; Give someone a helping hand and you end up getting fucked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62yved/a_boy_and_his_grandfather/
%
My Grandfather’s getting on a bit and he can’t do the things he used to.

Like bomb the Japanese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ysuk/my_grandfathers_getting_on_a_bit_and_he_cant_do/
%
Dad, are bugs good to eat..?

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62yo79/dad_are_bugs_good_to_eat/
%
What does a clock do when it's hungry?

Goes back 4 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62yidp/what_does_a_clock_do_when_its_hungry/
%
Kim Kardashian, Pitbull and Amy Schumer walk into a bar.

They set it lower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ygn2/kim_kardashian_pitbull_and_amy_schumer_walk_into/
%
What's the difference between my dad and a baseball?

The baseball doesn't leave a mark when it hits me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62yf5u/whats_the_difference_between_my_dad_and_a_baseball/
%
I'd love to visit Norway, ...

... I just can't afjord it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ydbk/id_love_to_visit_norway/
%
Stop making jokes about how fat and disgusting Amy Schumer is.

You're stealing her material.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62yc9c/stop_making_jokes_about_how_fat_and_disgusting/
%
A male patient is lying in bed in a hospital

, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, and surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis and his testicles in her hands.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask smiles at her and says very slowly," Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listens very, very closely.....
Are my test results back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ybv1/a_male_patient_is_lying_in_bed_in_a_hospital/
%
One of the dumbest things you can buy online is a dishwasher

Sometimes they forget to poke holes in the box and she's dead when she arrives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62yapz/one_of_the_dumbest_things_you_can_buy_online_is_a/
%
Naked man and a pear

A man who just received a promotion at his job wanted to throw a party to celebrate. He was so happy that he decided to make it a costume party with the theme being "emotions".
Night of the party the first person to show up was painted and dressed all in blue.
The host said, " Oh, you're the blues! Come on in!"
Next person to show up had bottles of dish soap hanging off of her.
Host said, "You must be joy! Come on in!"
Next person to show up was a large greasy Italian man. He was completely naked except had his dick inside of a pear with a hole in it.
The host said, "I don't understand, what are you supposed to be?"
The naked man said, " I'm fucking dis' pear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62y9gf/naked_man_and_a_pear/
%
I had my dick in the Guinness world record book

Before the librarian threw me out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62y3vu/i_had_my_dick_in_the_guinness_world_record_book/
%
Society is so sexist

When a guy sleeps around with many women, he's called a jock.
When a woman sleeps around with many men, she's called your Mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62y2bi/society_is_so_sexist/
%
Why would you get bigger if you ate a whole tub of protein every day?

Because you ate whey too much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62y1ba/why_would_you_get_bigger_if_you_ate_a_whole_tub/
%
Girl: Dad, I need to tell you something.

Dad: Yes?
Girl: I'm a lesbian.
Dad: Okay.
Sister: I'm lesbian too.
Dad: Why does no one in this family like dicks?
Son: I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62y07g/girl_dad_i_need_to_tell_you_something/
%
Bill Gate's butler was giving Bill's old friend a tour of Bill's house.

The friend couldn't help but notice that everything in the house was digital. They didn't even have a physical tv. Everything was a hologram. Heck it felt like the house itself was digital. Further away into the tour the old friend couldn't help but notice a piece of paper with some ink on it that looked quite real.He went ahead and touched it. It was real paper with ink on it. Surprised, the old friend asks the butler why of all things in the house only the was real.
The butler replies,"This is where he draws the line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xyyo/bill_gates_butler_was_giving_bills_old_friend_a/
%
What is hot and cold at the same time?

A dead body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xyk5/what_is_hot_and_cold_at_the_same_time/
%
Anger Management

As part of my anger management counseling my therapist said I should "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."
So I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xy8t/anger_management/
%
What's the difference between Bournvita and Horlicks?

I don't know but I've never had a Bournvita my cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xy2y/whats_the_difference_between_bournvita_and/
%
What's Forest Gumps password?

1FORREST1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xx3u/whats_forest_gumps_password/
%
Three gay men are in a hot tub...

When one notices that a big blob of semen has floated to the top of the water. He turns to the other two, "Alright.. who farted!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xuug/three_gay_men_are_in_a_hot_tub/
%
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course it can, the Empire State Building can't jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xta0/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_the_empire_state/
%
So A Man Walks Into a Bar...

So a man walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke."
So the man says, "So a man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, 'I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke.' So the man says, 'So a man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. So the bartender gives him a drink.' So the bartender gives him a drink"
So the bartender gives him a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xpj5/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Blowjobs For Money

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xn4c/blowjobs_for_money/
%
My girl loves anal

But she keeps forgetting my name isn't help

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xmyh/my_girl_loves_anal/
%
Two Bald Eagles

A bald eagle decides to stop by a small lake to get a drink.  As he's drinking another bald eagle lands next to him.
He looks at the eagle and notices a tulip, a rose, and a rabbit's foot on top of his head.
"What's with the stuff on your head?", the eagle asks.
"Oh this?", he points to his head with his wing, "I'm trying hare in plants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xkts/two_bald_eagles/
%
Why are black people so tall?

Because their knee grows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xjjf/why_are_black_people_so_tall/
%
Was Einstein's theory good?

Relatively

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xhx3/was_einsteins_theory_good/
%
Memo to the new Priest

I know, it's an old joke.
Memo to A New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say,  "He was stoned off his ass"
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xhag/memo_to_the_new_priest/
%
Two wrongs don't make a right...

...but two Wrights made a plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xh0j/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
%
What was Jesus Christ's least favorite form of exercise?

Cross fit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xgqo/what_was_jesus_christs_least_favorite_form_of/
%
My girlfriend has this fetish where she dresses up like herself then acts like a total bitch all the time.

All credit goes to Bo Burnham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xf3z/my_girlfriend_has_this_fetish_where_she_dresses/
%
How did Linkin Park drown?

They got caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xdnw/how_did_linkin_park_drown/
%
Today I went to a gas station and switched the Regular, Plus, and Premium buttons on all the pumps...

April Fuels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xdh4/today_i_went_to_a_gas_station_and_switched_the/
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What do you call it when young adults are so obsessed with their phones that they stop having sex?

Appstinence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xczy/what_do_you_call_it_when_young_adults_are_so/
%
A Gamers perspective of Reality.

Great graphics, terrible gameplay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xcs8/a_gamers_perspective_of_reality/
%
For anyone who says "money cant buy you happiness"

You obviously have never paid for a divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xcdg/for_anyone_who_says_money_cant_buy_you_happiness/
%
Yes Sir, Officer. I saw the stop sign.

I just didn't see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62xa0e/yes_sir_officer_i_saw_the_stop_sign/
%
The boy at home...

A Jehovah Witness knocks on a door and a boy of about 5 years old answers in a bathrobe with a bottle of whiskey in one hand, a cigar in the other, and the unmistakably lewd moans of porno playing somewhere in the house behind him.
Shocked, the Jehovah Witness asks "Ah, um--excuse me little boy, are your mommy and daddy home?"
The boy takes a drag off his cigar, a looong pull of whiskey and replies: "What the FUCK do you think?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62x9oz/the_boy_at_home/
%
What Do You Call A Computer That Sings?

A dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62x8v5/what_do_you_call_a_computer_that_sings/
%
All the periodic jokes Argon?

I don't Zinc so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62x8bq/all_the_periodic_jokes_argon/
%
The herb with the most medicinal properties is Thyme...

It heals all wounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62x635/the_herb_with_the_most_medicinal_properties_is/
%
Why are blind people so skeptical?

They have to see it to believe it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62x630/why_are_blind_people_so_skeptical/
%
I used to date this girl named Penny,

Every night she'd give me head and tail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62x5qs/i_used_to_date_this_girl_named_penny/
%
I poured spot remover on my dog

Now he's gone.
(My favorite Steven Wright joke).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62x2pe/i_poured_spot_remover_on_my_dog/
%
Why did the burger run?

Because it's fast food...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62x1vp/why_did_the_burger_run/
%
A termite walks into a bar

And asks " Is the bartender here?"
Another termite looks up and says
"It's pretty tough at this end mate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62x1rj/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
When a Prince Kisses a Sleeping Princess, it's "Romantic"...

...but when I give a shoulder rub to the lady sleeping in front of me on the bus, I'm "banned from riding the bus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62wzd0/when_a_prince_kisses_a_sleeping_princess_its/
%
What do you get when you cross a tiger with a human?

Kicked out of the zoo and fined 1,000 dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62wssh/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_tiger_with_a/
%
How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Meet Patty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62wsqz/how_did_the_hamburger_introduce_his_girlfriend/
%
A young, southern buck went to Las Vegas.

Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"
When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighborly of y'all. But where ah come from in Alabama, we lak our bourbon cold, so ah still need a piece o' ass for mah drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62wq6d/a_young_southern_buck_went_to_las_vegas/
%
The only reason I'm fat

, is because every time I fuck your mom she makes me a sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62wozd/the_only_reason_im_fat/
%
Success

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she fluttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Fuck me or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello," said the ugly fat man said, "my name is Cess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62wjuj/success/
%
Double positives

One day, during a lesson at the community college, the professor is explaining how a double negative will always be positive but a double positive can never be negative.
To which his student replies "yeah right"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62wjrl/double_positives/
%
I spend my spare time reading the Thesaurus...

because the mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62wgnd/i_spend_my_spare_time_reading_the_thesaurus/
%
Story of McQuinn

An old Scottish man is sitting in a pub and drinking whiskey. He takes a sip and says: "Look, what a magnificent windmill. I built it all by myself, carried all the rocks together by myself. Till this day it grinds wheat for the village, but nobody calls me the Windmill builder McQuinn."
He proceeds after another sip of whiskey: "Look, what a magnificent apple garden. I planted all the trees by myself. To this day it gives the best apples in this village, but still nobody calls me the Gardener McQuinn. And then there is the bridge that I built all alone. Nobody says Bridge builder McQuinn."
He then finishes his whiskey and says furiously: "But only once I had to fuck a sheep in the hills..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62wcgr/story_of_mcquinn/
%
Trump passes Pence on his way out of the White House.

"Pardon Me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62wc86/trump_passes_pence_on_his_way_out_of_the_white/
%
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.  "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62w8pn/little_april_was_not_the_best_student_in_sunday/
%
What's the difference between light and hard?

I can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62w8dk/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
How do you open a bottle of beer?

You don't. It should already be open by the time she gives it to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62w80i/how_do_you_open_a_bottle_of_beer/
%
A man is going to a costume party at a nightclub...

He doesn't know what to wear but then he has an idea. He arrives wearing nothing but his pants. When he arrives, he walks up to the bouncer. The bouncer asks,"What are you supposed to be?" The man says,"I'm a premature ejaculation, I just came in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62w6sj/a_man_is_going_to_a_costume_party_at_a_nightclub/
%
Why did the Mexican man take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62w2qc/why_did_the_mexican_man_take_xanax/
%
My girlfriend went to the sex shop to buy a vibrator but came home empty handed.

She said that nothing tickled her fancy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62w29r/my_girlfriend_went_to_the_sex_shop_to_buy_a/
%
Why is the North Korean dictator so evil?

Because he has no Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62w030/why_is_the_north_korean_dictator_so_evil/
%
"Give it to me" she yelled, "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62vu0o/give_it_to_me_she_yelled_im_so_fucking_wet_give/
%
I ran into my ex today

Then I shifted into reverse and ran over that bitch again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62vsbj/i_ran_into_my_ex_today/
%
My dad once told me it's important to always laugh at your mistakes and accidents

He then looked at me and started laughing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62vq3m/my_dad_once_told_me_its_important_to_always_laugh/
%
We can always count on /r/jokes on April 1st...

for not making jokes like the rest of the subreddits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62vmqs/we_can_always_count_on_rjokes_on_april_1st/
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Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.
Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62vhl9/depression_in_mexico/
%
What do you call the first Neck beard Presidents wife?

First M'Lady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62vg41/what_do_you_call_the_first_neck_beard_presidents/
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The best soccer team in the world

We will put gays as defenders, since they pressure well from the back.
Arabs, Chinese and Caucasians in mid because they bring color to the field.
Jews will be attackers because it's frowned upon to chase them.
And a 50 year old nun as our goalkeeper.
Because she hasn't let anyone in for three decades straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62v8l1/the_best_soccer_team_in_the_world/
%
I love the way the earth rotates

It really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62v4lx/i_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
%
Where does Darth Vader go shopping?

At the Darth Mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62v336/where_does_darth_vader_go_shopping/
%
A wolf and a rabbit hated each other...

One day, the pair were walking through an enchanted forest when they discovered a magical frog trapped in a hole. The frog promised to grant them each three wishes if they helped him escape. The two rescued the frog, and after they set him safely on the ground, the frog croaked, "thank you! Now I will grant your wishes."
The wolf grinned and barked, "I wish I was the only male wolf in this forest."
"Done," said the frog, and as if on cue a gorgeous female wolf sauntered towards the group and licked Mr. Wolf on the cheek before returning to the woods.
The rabbit then made his wish. "I wish for a motorcycle."
"Done," said the frog, and a motorcycle appeared out of thin air. The wolf laughed and shook his head at the rabbits stupid wish.
"Dumb rabbit!" he laughed, his lust driving him to his next wish. "I wish that I was the only male wolf in the country!"
'Done," said the frog, and this time, two female wolves approached, and gave him flirty gazes before walking away.
"And I'd like to wish for a helmet," stated the rabbit.
"Done," said the frog, and a helmet appeared on the rabbits head. He fastened it and sat on his motorcycle.
Once again, the wolf laughed at the rabbits wish. "And for my final wish," he boasted, "I wish I was the only male wolf in the entire world!!"
"Done," said the frog, and this time three gorgeous wolves appeared from the woods, completely enamored with the male wolf. The wolf prepared himself to leave the woods with them and have the best night of his life.
"And for my final wish," chittered the rabbit with a grin, revving up his engine. "I wish the only male wolf in the world was gay!"
"Done," said the frog, and the rabbit zoomed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62v2yp/a_wolf_and_a_rabbit_hated_each_other/
%
Do you have an extra pen?

During an exam.
Girl. Nope
2 minutes later.
Guy. Do you have an extra pen?
Girl. I said no leave me alone.
5 minutes later.
Guy. Do you have an extra pen?
Girl. If you ask one more time I will smash your head a hammer.
10 minutes later.
Guy. You have a hammer?
Girl. Oh my god, no.
Guy. Then, do you have an extra pen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62v1bl/do_you_have_an_extra_pen/
%
How can a woman turn her man into a millionaire?

If he's already a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62v0zu/how_can_a_woman_turn_her_man_into_a_millionaire/
%
Did you hear about the all female double leg amputee convention? NSFW

It was crawling with pussy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62v0by/did_you_hear_about_the_all_female_double_leg/
%
Which actress stays consistent, especially in the winter time?

Eva Green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62v06w/which_actress_stays_consistent_especially_in_the/
%
What does an Otrinthologist call a group of hookers?

a flock of swallows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62uzho/what_does_an_otrinthologist_call_a_group_of/
%
What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck
...I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62uynf/what_has_4_wheels_and_flies/
%
My new Thai girlfriend told me a small penis shouldn't be an issue in a relationship.

I still wish she didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62uylg/my_new_thai_girlfriend_told_me_a_small_penis/
%
Nobody pranked me on the 1st of April....

....but that's fine, my life is already a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62uwb0/nobody_pranked_me_on_the_1st_of_april/
%
I recently bought a German car, but the navigation system is all messed up.

It only gives directions to Poland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62uoh1/i_recently_bought_a_german_car_but_the_navigation/
%
I am hosting a charity event for people who fail to reach climax during sex

If you can't come, let me know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62umic/i_am_hosting_a_charity_event_for_people_who_fail/
%
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 inches long?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ulhx/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_is_exactly_314/
%
What do you call the security guards in front of a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ujbu/what_do_you_call_the_security_guards_in_front_of/
%
A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62uj53/a_waiter_walks_up_to_a_table_full_of_jewish_women/
%
A man walks into a restaurant and requests a table for one.

The host explains that the restaurant has a dress code, and men at minimum need to be wearing a tie. The man says, "Okay." and walks back out to his car to see if he has a tie in his back seat from the work week. He's looking and looking and can't find one. He pops the trunk and even searches in there. He still can't find a tie but finds his jumper cables. So he puts the jumper cables around his neck and ties them in a Windsor knot and walks back inside.
"So can I have a table now?" the man asks.
The host replies, "Alright, sir, that'll work for tonight. But if I seat you, please don't try to start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62udow/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_and_requests_a/
%
If you think your microwave spying on you is bad...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62u269/if_you_think_your_microwave_spying_on_you_is_bad/
%
As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"
Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."
Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?"
Susie replies "I'm burying my gold fish."
Mr Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?"
Susie replies "Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62txof/as_told_to_me_by_an_85_year_old_shriner_clown/
%
Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62tx52/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
%
My wife must have had sixty-one boyfriends before she married me

because she calls me her sixty-second lover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62tr63/my_wife_must_have_had_sixtyone_boyfriends_before/
%
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff

Baa dum tssssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62tgz0/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
Jose and the Game.

Jose snuck across the border to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62te2a/jose_and_the_game/
%
April 1st Operation

(Doctor walks out of operation room. A man quickly reached the doctor.)
"How's my wife? How's my baby?"
"Well your wife is okay, but... Your baby... umm..."
(Man starts crying)
"APRIL FOOLS! HAHAHA! Jokes on you!" (laugh)
(Man starts laughing with the doctor.)
"The fact is your wife died as well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62tdb3/april_1st_operation/
%
Why shouldn't you feed marijuana to cattle?

Because of the high steaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62tb89/why_shouldnt_you_feed_marijuana_to_cattle/
%
There's an old Native American man that sits in a teepee along the road I take to work.

Every morning for a while now I stop in and ask him what the weather will be that day. Rain, snow, sun, clouds. He's always right.
Well yesterday I stopped in just like normal and asked what the weather was going to be like.
"Got no clue", he said.
I was shocked. "What's different about today that you don't know?"
He just shook his head sadly. "Radio broke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62t9qm/theres_an_old_native_american_man_that_sits_in_a/
%
I got an iPad for my birthday from my Chinese friend.

Nothing beats a homemade present!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62t7fx/i_got_an_ipad_for_my_birthday_from_my_chinese/
%
Boss: How good are you with spreadsheets?

Me: I Excel at it.
Boss: Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun?
Me: Word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62t66o/boss_how_good_are_you_with_spreadsheets/
%
What did the man say to the thief stealing his cheese?

Stop stealing my cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62t4ow/what_did_the_man_say_to_the_thief_stealing_his/
%
"Sir, I'm gonna' let you off with a warning..."

"THANK YOU SO MUCH OFFIC----"
"April Fools....sign here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62sw6x/sir_im_gonna_let_you_off_with_a_warning/
%
A mexican kid walks up to Donald Trump...

And says, "One day I want to be a president like you."
Donald Trump is disgusted and replies, "Are you stupid? Are you retarded? Have you lost your mind?"
The Mexican kid then says, "Actually, I don't want to be president​. Those are too many requirements."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62sw2p/a_mexican_kid_walks_up_to_donald_trump/
%
What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62such/what_is_the_difference_between_an_oral/
%
Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.

I turned weed into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62spyt/jesus_christ_turned_water_into_wine_and_got/
%
I woke up on a clear night, gazing at millions of stars, and I wondered...

Where the Hell is my roof?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62sjqz/i_woke_up_on_a_clear_night_gazing_at_millions_of/
%
A young boy enters a barber shop

and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62si7k/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
%
Whats the difference between bomb and feminist?

Something actually happens when bomb gets triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62shcc/whats_the_difference_between_bomb_and_feminist/
%
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62sf2q/a_math_professor_john_is_having_problems_with_his/
%
Trump is President of the United States and Britain left the EU.

APRIL FOOLS'!
Ah...wait...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62selz/trump_is_president_of_the_united_states_and/
%
Robert asks a televangelist to pray for his hearing

After five minutes of violent shaking and trying to push the man backwards, the televangelist inquires Robert on the state of his hearing, to which he replies "I don't know, my hearing isn't until Tuesday at the courthouse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62se2n/robert_asks_a_televangelist_to_pray_for_his/
%
What's the difference between a guy with an Arts Major, and a guy with a Philosophy Major?

One will ask WHY you want fries with that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62scam/whats_the_difference_between_a_guy_with_an_arts/
%
He's My Brother!

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not  exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.  He's  my brother.  He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a  grin.
"Yes," the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62sbtj/hes_my_brother/
%
My wife and I think about wild cats all the time.

But I don't think they think about ocelot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62s7sp/my_wife_and_i_think_about_wild_cats_all_the_time/
%
How do you get a fat chick into bed?

Piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62s5pw/how_do_you_get_a_fat_chick_into_bed/
%
What math subject are Feminists best at?

Triggernometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62s4mr/what_math_subject_are_feminists_best_at/
%
An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62s1wy/an_engineer_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
%
Donald Trump, Barack Obama, The Pope and a small Mexican kid were on a plane

, the plane was plummeting and was going to crash into a building.
There were only 3 parachutes. "I'm the greatest man here, I'll take a parachute" said Obama. "I'm the smartest man in here so I'll take a parachute" said Trump. They both grabbed their parachutes and lept out of the plane.
The pope said to the young boy. "Go ahead son, take the parachute". The boy replied "It's alright, the smartest man in the world just took my school bag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62s17t/donald_trump_barack_obama_the_pope_and_a_small/
%
I went to a restaurant last night where none of the food was real; it was all just special effects.

CGI Fridays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62s0j9/i_went_to_a_restaurant_last_night_where_none_of/
%
Fascinating joke

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's...
farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was
fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62rw02/fascinating_joke/
%
My doctor tried treating me with ygolohcysp

But reverse psychology doesn't work on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62rvjf/my_doctor_tried_treating_me_with_ygolohcysp/
%
You can say a lot about organ thieves, but

At least they de-liver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ruao/you_can_say_a_lot_about_organ_thieves_but/
%
What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq?

A job offer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62rrnn/what_do_you_get_for_calling_a_suicide_hotline_in/
%
My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have...

Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62rri7/my_psychology_professor_asked_me_what_super_power/
%
A new hot secretary joined a company...

Two guys of this company start to speak about her:
"Holy molly she is so hot, we should really try to sleep with her"
So they start flirting with her.
One week later, the first one manages to sleep with her. His friend asks him "So, how was it?" "Meh, my wife is better".
Surprised by this answer, this guy starts to hit on the secretary very hard, and gets to have sex with her three days later.
His friend then asks him if he shares his opinion. He answers: "Yeah, you were actually right: your wife is better".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62rohj/a_new_hot_secretary_joined_a_company/
%
Do It Again!!!

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ro2d/do_it_again/
%
News Alert: Trump spending weekend working at the White House.

April Fools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62rm74/news_alert_trump_spending_weekend_working_at_the/
%
What has 8 eyes and 8 legs?

8 pirates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62rlxd/what_has_8_eyes_and_8_legs/
%
A concert promoter was fired for claiming he had the worlds largest piano player booked when he was only 5' 8"...

Just another case of a man lying about the size of his pianist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62rkar/a_concert_promoter_was_fired_for_claiming_he_had/
%
What do you do if you see a Spaceman?

You park in it, man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62rk3j/what_do_you_do_if_you_see_a_spaceman/
%
A coke seller

The disappointed salesman of coke returns from middle east assignment. A friend asked," why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained," when I got posted in the middle east, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as cola is unknown there. But I had a problem I didn't know Arabic.
So I planned to convey this message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert. Second the man drinker cola and third man is totally refreshed. Then these posters were hanged everywhere there."
"That should have worked."said the friend.
He replied," well I didn't know Arabic neither realized that Arabs read from right to left...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62rj6p/a_coke_seller/
%
My wife told me we would have sex tonight.

Then I realised it's the 1st of April.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ri0t/my_wife_told_me_we_would_have_sex_tonight/
%
Pros vs. Cons

If pro means good and con means bad and if progress means to move forward, then what the hell does congress mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62rhpn/pros_vs_cons/
%
I just ran over my dog.

April fools! I don't know whose dog it was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62rd20/i_just_ran_over_my_dog/
%
What's Donald Trump's favourite day of the year?

1st April - everything's fake news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62rbde/whats_donald_trumps_favourite_day_of_the_year/
%
A man goes to the vet

with his dog, and says "there's something wrong, I can't get her to wake up!"
So the vet brings the man to the examination room, and puts a stethoscope to the dogs chest and mournfully says "I'm sorry sir, your dog is dead"
The main sobs and says "isn't there anything you can do? are you sure?"
The vet just opens a door, and allows a Golden Labrador into the room, which sniffs the dog, shakes it's head, and walks back out of the door.
vet says "well, thats it. I'm sorry sir. your dog is surely dead"
the main wails "there's got to be something more you can do!", the vet just shrugs and opens the door again, and this time a cat walks in. the cat jumps up on the examination table and proceeds to carefully sniff the dog all over. then the cat shakes its head, and walks out the door.
"Sir, I'm so sorry, but your dog really is dead", and the man just slowly nods.
As they're finishing discussing what to do with the body, the vet gives the man his bill for the exam and hands it to the man. "a thousand pounds? to tell me that my dog has died?!"
the vet replies "well, the normal exam is only one hundred, but you wanted the extra lab work and the cat scan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62r8kx/a_man_goes_to_the_vet/
%
I was at an important job interview today, when they asked me if I was on Facebook…

"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.
"Twitter?"
"Nope."
"Instagram?"
"Nah."
"Look, just put your phone away, will you!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62r6es/i_was_at_an_important_job_interview_today_when/
%
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar..

...it could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62r4vj/two_irishmen_walk_out_of_a_bar/
%
What do a Woman and a Tornado have in Common?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62r0cd/what_do_a_woman_and_a_tornado_have_in_common/
%
How many Dragonball Z character does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes three episodes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62qygm/how_many_dragonball_z_character_does_it_take_to/
%
I'm going to tell you a hipster joke...

Never mind
You wouldn't get it anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62qvq4/im_going_to_tell_you_a_hipster_joke/
%
Three guys die and go to Heaven

, but at the pearly gate's they're greeted by St. Peter, he tells the first guy "You have been unfaithful to your wife 10 times, so you shall drive an old rustic car around Heaven for eternity"
The second guys goes up and St. Peter says "You have only been unfaithful to your wife 5 times, so you shall be given a car with a gas leak to drive in Heaven for eternity"
The third guy goes up and is told "You have never been unfaithful to your wife, so you shall be given a Ferrari to drive in Heaven for eternity"
Everything's fine for a few weeks until the second guy see's the third guy crying, he goes over and asks him "What's wrong? Aren't you glad that you can drive around in a Ferrari for eternity?" and the third guy says whilst sobbing "I am, but I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62quuu/three_guys_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
Like my grandfather always said: "Don't sweat the petty things in life,

Pet the sweaty things.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62qu1g/like_my_grandfather_always_said_dont_sweat_the/
%
Two ambassadors — one Israeli and one Palestinian — are staying in a hotel...

They decide to order lunch, each opting for a porterhouse steak. Unfortunately, the kitchen staff find that there is only one porterhouse left. No one knows what to do, as nobody dares give either ambassador a replacement meal. The cook really wishes for a two-steak solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62qs3b/two_ambassadors_one_israeli_and_one_palestinian/
%
Donald Trump said, "I declare April as Sexual Assault Awareness month."

His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"
Trump replied, "Prevent it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62qqo0/donald_trump_said_i_declare_april_as_sexual/
%
Cough medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's too scared to cough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62qpud/cough_medicine/
%
A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school ...

Teacher : Whats your name ?
Boy : Nadir
Teacher : No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today.
Boy went home and his mother asked: How was the day Nadir?
Boy : I am an American now, so call me Johnny.
Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up.
Next day he was back to school all bruised ...
Teacher : What happened Johnny ?
Boy: Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62qoqe/a_pakistani_boy_took_admission_in_an_american/
%
Where do lizards get their new tails?

At the re-tail store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62qmku/where_do_lizards_get_their_new_tails/
%
A man and a woman start to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62qj76/a_man_and_a_woman_start_to_have_sex_in_the_middle/
%
Heard about the I-85 highway collapse in Atlanta

It's the biggest collapse they've had since the Super Bowl :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62qf70/heard_about_the_i85_highway_collapse_in_atlanta/
%
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn

Doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62qcre/ive_been_taking_viagra_for_my_sunburn/
%
What if dinosaur bones were only found on Earth...

Because aliens used this planet as a pet cemetery?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62qc2q/what_if_dinosaur_bones_were_only_found_on_earth/
%
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm and I passed her super glue by mistake

She's still not talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62qbzk/my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her_lip_balm_and_i/
%
Why is it that when a woman gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun...

BUT when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip nut collection tray, together with optional built-in realistic rape scream 7.1 surround system, he's called a pervert?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62qa3d/why_is_it_that_when_a_woman_gets_a_vibrator_its/
%
What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who's run out of protein powder?

No whey José

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62q6z5/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_bodybuilder_whos_run/
%
Why was the soldier tired on April 1st?

He had just come through a 31-day March.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62q385/why_was_the_soldier_tired_on_april_1st/
%
A woman once gave her husband the silent treatment

It lasted for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62py6n/a_woman_once_gave_her_husband_the_silent_treatment/
%
It all

The title says it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62pxp0/it_all/
%
What did the doctor say to the patient with kidney stones?

Urine trouble but it'll pass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62px2e/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_patient_with/
%
Why didn't the clown get the job at the circus?

He just wasn't It.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62pwmo/why_didnt_the_clown_get_the_job_at_the_circus/
%
Why do Russians always use lower case letters?

Because they hate capitalizing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62pw9p/why_do_russians_always_use_lower_case_letters/
%
What do you call it when a redhead gets angry?

Ginger snap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62pvfz/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_redhead_gets_angry/
%
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

The Pilgrims!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ptpr/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
%
Whats the difference between a trampoline and a nazi?

You take your boots off to jump up and down on a trampoline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ppi4/whats_the_difference_between_a_trampoline_and_a/
%
A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident.

While in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62pp2o/a_pregnant_woman_was_involved_in_a_car_accident/
%
I stayed the night at this place called The Shove't Inn,

Not what I expected..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62pofy/i_stayed_the_night_at_this_place_called_the/
%
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, he fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62pnpe/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
%
How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?

Use Caesers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62pl8i/how_do_you_cut_the_roman_empire_in_half/
%
I saw three sapiens bathing together with pleasure on their faces

No homo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ph10/i_saw_three_sapiens_bathing_together_with/
%
What's a porn star's favorite drink?

7 Up in cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62pgx7/whats_a_porn_stars_favorite_drink/
%
The three stages of writing a paper:

1. putin it off
2. stalin
3. russian to finish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62pczj/the_three_stages_of_writing_a_paper/
%
Man, black Jews must've had it rough...

They had to sit in the back of the gas chamber.
(I'm so sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62p9cs/man_black_jews_mustve_had_it_rough/
%
Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste

It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days
It's been 2 weeks and I'm still black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62p9bk/dont_buy_colgate_whitening_toothpaste/
%
The SMS

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62p432/the_sms/
%
"Don't jump!"

One day, a man decided he'd had enough of his life, and went to the balcony of the 30th floor of his office building. He stepped onto the ledge and shouted "I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna jump!"
A physics professor passing by heard the commotion and looked up. He shouted back to the man "Don't do it! Don't jump! You've got so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62p3hv/dont_jump/
%
My ex-wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62p379/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
%
Goddam it what was the name of that Nirvana album?

Ah nevermind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62oylf/goddam_it_what_was_the_name_of_that_nirvana_album/
%
A psychic dwarf has escaped from prison

He's a small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62osea/a_psychic_dwarf_has_escaped_from_prison/
%
What's in between moms legs dad, said Johnny.

Ahh..... its heaven son, said the father.
And in between yours father?
The key to heaven son.
Well... said Johnny. You should replace your key cause the neighbor has one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62oqdw/whats_in_between_moms_legs_dad_said_johnny/
%
What did the buffalo say when his son left?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62opkn/what_did_the_buffalo_say_when_his_son_left/
%
Labor

Wife during labor:  i hate you so much!  You did this to me!  My god the pain! Ahhhhhhhh
Me:  hold on now i wanted to do butt stuff, but you said it would be too painful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62opgl/labor/
%
Two older couples were having breakfast

Old man 1: "We went to the best restaurant last night.
Old man 2: "What's its name?"
Old man 1: "Oh I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?"
Old man 2: "Carnation?"
Old man 1: "No, the one with thorns."
Old man 2: "Rose?"
Old man 1: "Thats it. (turns to his wife) "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
(Credit to PlotTwists)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62opf6/two_older_couples_were_having_breakfast/
%
Someone told me that my clothes looked gay

Well no shit, they came out the closet this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62olp3/someone_told_me_that_my_clothes_looked_gay/
%
I went on a date last night. She asked me "Boxers or briefs?"

"Depends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ok91/i_went_on_a_date_last_night_she_asked_me_boxers/
%
The Husband Store

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back
down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends
went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women
read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job
or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's
further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,
"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a
strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must
be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove
that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we
hope you fall down the stairs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ohi4/the_husband_store/
%
Magician joke

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62oftz/magician_joke/
%
Genders are like the Twin Towers...

There used to be two of them, but now it's a sensitive a subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62och8/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
What was the worst thing about finally getting my pilot googles at the end of pilot training?

Emperor Hirohito handed them to me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62o8lw/what_was_the_worst_thing_about_finally_getting_my/
%
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people get that joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62o5jm/there_is_a_fine_line_between_numerator_and/
%
A black man walks into an all white bar and orders a drink.

They tell him "we don't serve negros here"
And he replies with "Good, I wasn't planning to order any."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62o482/a_black_man_walks_into_an_all_white_bar_and/
%
Remember kids, if a strange man offers you sweets,

There's probably more in his car!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62o1or/remember_kids_if_a_strange_man_offers_you_sweets/
%
Bag Lady

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.  One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
A policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and pick them up. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It
kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot
hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ny7n/bag_lady/
%
My coach told me to make it to third base

He was pissed, but his daughter loved it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62nx9f/my_coach_told_me_to_make_it_to_third_base/
%
I really love the word "earth"

It means the world to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62nwks/i_really_love_the_word_earth/
%
Doctor: It's looks like you're pregnant

Woman: I'm pregnant??
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62nv6k/doctor_its_looks_like_youre_pregnant/
%
Good joke inside

Good joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ntss/good_joke_inside/
%
Masturbating into condoms...

Jack is dating this girl Paula. He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex.
After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It's a 12-pack, but there are only five left in there.
"What happened to the rest of them?" she asks accusingly.
"Well... I masturbated into them," he says.
She accepts the answer, but she's curious. When she's with a few guy friends two days later, Paula asks them about it.
"Do you guys ever do that?" she asks.
"Sure, all the time," her friend says.
"Really, you masturbate into condoms?" she responds.
"Oh, no! I thought you were asking if I ever lie to my girlfriend!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62nt59/masturbating_into_condoms/
%
A man, his wife and the hotel receptionist

Man: Hello, I'am in room 420. Please send someone over immidiately. I'am having an argumemt with me wife and she wants to jump from the window.
Receptionist: Iam sorry sir but thats personal matter.
Man: Listen you dumb f*ck, the window is not opening and that's a maintenance problem!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62nrnf/a_man_his_wife_and_the_hotel_receptionist/
%
A mother comes back home...

...and her son rushes to the door and tells her: "Mom, hurry up, dad has hanged himself in the bedroom!". The mother sprints to the bedroom but the room is all clear and there is no one there. The boy laughs and says "Haha April Fools! He hanged himself in the kitchen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62nrew/a_mother_comes_back_home/
%
If you drink the blue liquid from one of those 8-balls you can see the future.

Trust me, my friend Keith did.  He said he was going to die and then he did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62nplp/if_you_drink_the_blue_liquid_from_one_of_those/
%
jack off

Business was terrible and not picking up.  The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.  It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.  The boss approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”  "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62notu/jack_off/
%
The husband in a married couple kept farting horribly in bed,

for years, it was terrible. His wife suffered greatly and kept nagging him to do something about his indigestion, often saying, “One day, Trevor, your horrible farting is going to force your guts right out!”
The husband only made fun of this feeling very macho.
Until one Christmas day the wife was gutting a turkey for Christmas dinner and had an idea… She took the intestines out and placed them quietly in her sleeping husband’s bed, under the covers.
She couldn’t wait for the husband to wake up – and sure enough, in about one hour, Trevor, all white and shaky, came down the stairs: “Mary, by Golly you were right! That horrible farting did force my guts out! But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, I set everything right again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62no67/the_husband_in_a_married_couple_kept_farting/
%
Why should polygamy be legal?

Any guy willing to take multiple wives is punishment enough!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62nny6/why_should_polygamy_be_legal/
%
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62nnpg/as_a_couple_gets_into_bed_the_husband_starts_to/
%
A QA engineer walks into a bar

He buys a beer.
He buys 2 beers.
He buys 9999999999999999 beers.
He buys -1 beers.
he buys 0.1 beers.
He buys iguana beers.
he buys u9obgn;ufobefo6,.g beers.
he buys 2'); DROP TABLE *; beers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62nl0d/a_qa_engineer_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Who's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62nkm5/whos_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeve/
%
Superman once arm wrestled Chuck Norris

Loser had to wear their underwear outside their pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62nk9j/superman_once_arm_wrestled_chuck_norris/
%
What’s the name of Mr. T’s girlfriend?

April, fools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62njx5/whats_the_name_of_mr_ts_girlfriend/
%
This truck driver goes into a whore house,

slaps $500 on the counter and tells the madam that he wants the ugliest girl in the place and a ham sandwich.
The madam of the house looks at the money and tells him,
"For $500 you could have the most beautiful girl in here.”
The truck driver looks back at her and says, “Hey look sweetheart, I’m not horny, I’m home sick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62nfst/this_truck_driver_goes_into_a_whore_house/
%
Why don't Melania and Donald Trump sleep in the same bed?

She was tired of Putin's snoring.
Edit 2: holy shit rip inbox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62nfj4/why_dont_melania_and_donald_trump_sleep_in_the/
%
[Safe For Work] A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied,
"No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ne27/safe_for_work_a_child_asked_his_father_how_were/
%
Racecar backwards is still racecar

but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62n9a9/racecar_backwards_is_still_racecar/
%
Why do seagulls hang out by the sea and not the bay?

Because they're not bagels...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62n768/why_do_seagulls_hang_out_by_the_sea_and_not_the/
%
A Cuban man, a Mexican man, and an American man are all in a plane.

The pilot comes to the back and says "the plane is going down, we need to lose as much weight as possible."
The Cuban man throws a crate of cigars off the plane and says "we have plenty of those in Cuba, I won't miss them."
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much jalapeños in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American man throws a carton of grenades off of the plane, and says "We have lots of grenades in the USA, nobody will notice if one carton is missing."
The plane lands safely, and the three men walk on to the runway to three children.
The Cuba man asks one child why he's crying. The kid says that a box of cigars fell from the sky and landed on his feet.
The Mexican man walks up to another crying child and asks why he's crying. The child responds that a pepper fell from the sky and hit his eye.
The American man walks up to the third child, who is in tears from laughter. The American man asks what happened, and the kid says "My dad farted and the house blew up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62n6rh/a_cuban_man_a_mexican_man_and_an_american_man_are/
%
My mom called me son of bitch..

I punched her because noone is allowed to speak badly about my mom. Then I punched myself because noone is allowed to beat my mom. Then she punched me because noone is allowed to beat her son. Then she punched herself because noone is allowed to beat me. Then I punched her because noone is allowed to beat my mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62n4cz/my_mom_called_me_son_of_bitch/
%
I nearly got caught stealing a board game the other day

It was a risk I was willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62n2op/i_nearly_got_caught_stealing_a_board_game_the/
%
An extremely handsome man was into a bar

, wearing a 10000 dollar suit, and women clinging to each arm.  Everyone turned heads as he approached the bartender. He takes a fat wad of cash from his pocket and throws it on the table.  "Drinks on me!". He exclaimed and everyone cheered.  Everyone flocked around him, complimenting him and thanking him.  One man stepped up but before he could say anything, a 7 foot tall chicken burst through the door. The bird went about the bar rampaging. The man earlier stepped up and asked him amidst the chaos, "how did you get so lucky?"
"Well, I found a genie"
"What did you wish for?"
"I wished for endless wealth, and for women to be attracted to me, but I don't think he understood the enormous cock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62n232/an_extremely_handsome_man_was_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a girl that doesn't suck dick?

You don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62n0xe/what_do_you_call_a_girl_that_doesnt_suck_dick/
%
Three men die within 10 seconds of each other...

...go to heaven, and are greeted by Saint Peter at the gates. Saint Peter says,
"Our apologies, but due to logistics constraints, only one man can be let into heaven at a time. The man with the most interesting story goes first."
The men mumble agreement, and the first man says;
"Well, I've been suspecting for a while that my wife was having an affair. I came home early one day and found her naked on the sofa. I said, 'Aha! Where is he?' but before she could answer I saw a man hanging off our railing on the terrace. So I walk over to him, and hit him with my shoes until he lets go and falls to his death. For good measure, I dragged a refrigerator over and dropped it onto the man. But all of that stress gave me a heart attack, so here I am."
St. Peter nods in acknowledgement, and the second man says;
"Well, my cat escaped onto the terrace again today. I went to go catch it, but I tripped on my balcony railing and fell! Luckily, I caught my neighbor's railing and held on there, screaming help. But then he sees me, runs over, and starts hitting me with his shoe until I fall! I fall, and barely survive, but then I see a refrigerator flying at me... And now I'm here."
The first two men look over at the third man, who says:
"Well, I was having the best sex of my life with a gorgeous woman. But the door rang, and she told me to hide in the refrigerator... And now I'm here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62mwq6/three_men_die_within_10_seconds_of_each_other/
%
What was Boaz like when he was a bachelor?

Ruthless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62mt7m/what_was_boaz_like_when_he_was_a_bachelor/
%
A teen is telling his parents what he wants to major in

"I want to be a history major," he says.
The dad responds, "No you don't! There's no future in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62mrq1/a_teen_is_telling_his_parents_what_he_wants_to/
%
I was spooning my girlfriend the other night...

guess that makes us a pair of cuddelery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62merv/i_was_spooning_my_girlfriend_the_other_night/
%
My local theatre were showing some XXX Roman plays..,

I thought that it sounded pretty hot, turns out it was just 30 Roman plays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62me9g/my_local_theatre_were_showing_some_xxx_roman_plays/
%
I'm not a racist but

The best race is clearly the Grand Prix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62majq/im_not_a_racist_but/
%
Why is Spiderman gay?

He's a Peter Parker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62m9tr/why_is_spiderman_gay/
%
Which flower is the pinkest?

Two lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62m7ro/which_flower_is_the_pinkest/
%
Where does a redditor get water from?

A well, actually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62m6hi/where_does_a_redditor_get_water_from/
%
SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.   The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man  living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.  The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine.  You take only a teaspoonful, and then say:  ‘1-2-3.'  When you do, you will   become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked:  “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,   showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said:  "1-2-3!”   Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,   and asked:  "What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62m6gw/sex_and_good_grammar/
%
We get it Mr. Trump, you have bulletproof shoes.

....That doesn't mean you should keep shooting yourself in the foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62m5vg/we_get_it_mr_trump_you_have_bulletproof_shoes/
%
How do Catholics spend money online?

Papal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62m5b3/how_do_catholics_spend_money_online/
%
Driving habit..

One day a guy was driving with his 5 year old son and beeped his car horn by mistake.
The boy turned and looked at him for explanation.
He said," I did that by accident."
Boy replied " I know that , daddy."
He replied, " how do you know that?"
The boy said," Because you didn't say asshole afterwards. "
LOL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62m4e9/driving_habit/
%
I spilled a glass of water the other day

If that's not irony, then I don't know what is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62m3om/i_spilled_a_glass_of_water_the_other_day/
%
A guy wants a dog

. He goes to one of his relatives if he has an extra dog. The relative says yes.
"Does he like kids?"said the guy
"Yes he does, but you can just give him dog food"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62lzyp/a_guy_wants_a_dog/
%
Why did the Cold War end?

Global warming started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62lyip/why_did_the_cold_war_end/
%
"Push harder", I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62lt2a/push_harder_i_shouted_at_my_wife_while_she_was_in/
%
My wife said she's leaving me because I "can't do anything right when it comes to housework. "

Selfish bitch, it took me hours to mop that carpet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62lib5/my_wife_said_shes_leaving_me_because_i_cant_do/
%
An old Ethiopian proverb

You can't have your cake or eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62li2h/an_old_ethiopian_proverb/
%
Got a password lock

that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong password to look into my phone.
Now I have fifty pictures of drunk me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62lfii/got_a_password_lock/
%
I do not trust the doctor anymore!

All of patients are sick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62lehm/i_do_not_trust_the_doctor_anymore/
%
My town never changes population.

Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62leg6/my_town_never_changes_population/
%
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

One looks up ur family tree. The other looks up ur family bush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62le38/whats_the_difference_between_a_genealogist_and_a/
%
Dave and his bitch

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin ?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62lbs1/dave_and_his_bitch/
%
I stuck my hand in my pocket and my pencil stabbed me

Thankfully it didn't draw blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62laml/i_stuck_my_hand_in_my_pocket_and_my_pencil/
%
what did the Copper say to the sodium chloride couple?

I'm taking you in for a salt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62l9gm/what_did_the_copper_say_to_the_sodium_chloride/
%
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk

. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62l95a/two_men_are_approaching_each_other_on_a_sidewalk/
%
What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62l6nb/whats_black_and_never_works/
%
Watch

Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62l31b/watch/
%
Why cant dinosaurs clap?

Because theyre dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62l2ca/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
Oh! So you were in Yale?

Yes.
When?
Yuly 1997 to Yune 1999!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62l0jy/oh_so_you_were_in_yale/
%
Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kz3r/sometimes_i_tuck_my_knees_up_into_my_chest_and/
%
People reckon I'm too patronising

(that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kx51/people_reckon_im_too_patronising/
%
My girlfriend hung a note on the fridge...

...which said: "I can't do it, it's not working anymore."
Door could be opened. Light is fully functional. Beer is cold.
I got no clue what she was talking about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kwqd/my_girlfriend_hung_a_note_on_the_fridge/
%
To do is to be - Socrates

To be is to do - Plato
Do be do be do - Sinatra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kryu/to_do_is_to_be_socrates/
%
A drunk inside bathroom

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. The bartender yells, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kreh/a_drunk_inside_bathroom/
%
A friend just called me to tell me he has changed his name to 'Spinal Column'.

I asked if I could call him Back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kp2s/a_friend_just_called_me_to_tell_me_he_has_changed/
%
What's the difference between a French kiss and a Belgian kiss?

A Belgian kiss is more Flemish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kmyb/whats_the_difference_between_a_french_kiss_and_a/
%
A tachyon walks into the bar.

A bar opens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62km0c/a_tachyon_walks_into_the_bar/
%
I've heard some terrible German sausage jokes in my time...

...But this one's definitely the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kivi/ive_heard_some_terrible_german_sausage_jokes_in/
%
My wife was cheating on me with the painter.

I caught him red-handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62khvd/my_wife_was_cheating_on_me_with_the_painter/
%
What did the fat kid get for his Birthday?

Bullied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62khfk/what_did_the_fat_kid_get_for_his_birthday/
%
Someone said my clothes were gay

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kgxc/someone_said_my_clothes_were_gay/
%
Why did the black man cross the road?

To eat the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kgvn/why_did_the_black_man_cross_the_road/
%
How do you stop kids swinging on the clothes line?

With a shovel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kfsa/how_do_you_stop_kids_swinging_on_the_clothes_line/
%
After many years as an accountant, I was asked to take a personality test.

The results came back negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kfe4/after_many_years_as_an_accountant_i_was_asked_to/
%
What do you call 5 black people having sex?

A threesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kej2/what_do_you_call_5_black_people_having_sex/
%
My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."
I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kbqz/my_psychologist_told_me/
%
Ladies of reddit, what's bloody and happens every month?

A terrorist attack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62kake/ladies_of_reddit_whats_bloody_and_happens_every/
%
Scientists finally found out how to turn back time...

It's emit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62k9c3/scientists_finally_found_out_how_to_turn_back_time/
%
How do ghosts make friends?

By buttering a flight of stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62k8w9/how_do_ghosts_make_friends/
%
I used to hate it when people slightly messed up proverbs...

But I guess it's no use crying over spoiled milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62k8w1/i_used_to_hate_it_when_people_slightly_messed_up/
%
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62k84r/the_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_him_dad_whats/
%
I am a friend with 25 letters of the Alphabet.

I don't know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62k2cj/i_am_a_friend_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
Your cat died

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?
Husband: She is playing on the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62k20q/your_cat_died/
%
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday ...

I'll tell you what, never again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62k0kk/ive_just_been_on_a_onceinalifetime_holiday/
%
Trump walks into a bar

and lowers it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62jvhx/trump_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A divorced man

A divorce man was walking on the street suddenly he saw a lamp in the middle of the road.
He picked it up and suddenly a genie poped out and said to man " you have three wishes and be careful what you will wish you ex will get double of that."
Man scratched his head and said "okay give me a $1 billion mansion."
Genie: wish fulfilled and your ex got $2 billion mansion. Now you have 2 wishes left.
Man again scratched his head and said "give $1 billion cash for my bills and other stuffs."
Genie : wish fulfilled here is the bank statement and your ex got $2billion. So what's you last wish.
Man : now I want a 8 inch d**k
LOL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62jsyf/a_divorced_man/
%
My friend told me that he was going to buy a bunch of Intel CPUs.

I told him to stop that non-Zens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62jro5/my_friend_told_me_that_he_was_going_to_buy_a/
%
My priest is surprisingly homophobic...

...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62jpbl/my_priest_is_surprisingly_homophobic/
%
I was told by a female friend that I was being sexist and should look at things from a woman's perspective more often

But I can't see very much from my kitchen window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62jop7/i_was_told_by_a_female_friend_that_i_was_being/
%
I took some nitrous oxide with my laxatives once...

...just for shits and giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62jng7/i_took_some_nitrous_oxide_with_my_laxatives_once/
%
A guy is buying some game DVDs, some magazines and a six pack.

Cashier : "You must be single."
Guy: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62jjgt/a_guy_is_buying_some_game_dvds_some_magazines_and/
%
Concerning Michael Flynn

The real question on republicans minds right now: what happens to the validity of Flynn's testimony when he gets autism after receiving immunity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62jic5/concerning_michael_flynn/
%
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62jh46/a_blonde_woman_asks_for_a_5000_loan/
%
What's the difference between a male paragraph and a female paragraph?

The male one has no periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62jfsq/whats_the_difference_between_a_male_paragraph_and/
%
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...

... "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.
"This must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man.
"Ahhh I see" says the priest, "this must have been the point where you swore." "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole."
The priest pauses for a few seconds.
"You missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62jf4g/forgive_me_father_for_i_have_sinned/
%
This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. I am
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. the abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the 5 bowels... A,E,I,O,U
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I conked out.)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport
Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
AND THEY CAN VOTE NOW? 😜😜

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62jbm2/this_may_be_why_teachers_retire_early_or_turn_to/
%
I'm a journeyman fisher

I have trouble baiting the lines. One day I hope to be a master baiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62j6nq/im_a_journeyman_fisher/
%
A man asked a woman how often she shaved...

She told him, "About 15-20 times a day."
He asked her, "What's wrong with you!?!"
She told him, "I'm a barber."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62j4gi/a_man_asked_a_woman_how_often_she_shaved/
%
I was really moved by Trump's Inauguration,

I walked right out in the middle of his speech..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62j49r/i_was_really_moved_by_trumps_inauguration/
%
Two men sit collecting donations on either side of the walkway leading up to the church...

One wore a giant cross on his chest, the other wore a giant star of David on his chest.
Every day people would look at the guy with the star of David, smile and give an extra donation to the guy with the cross. Every now and then, someone would toss a few cents to the guys with the star of David.
After a few months several of the congregants approached the man with the star of David and asked him - we don't mean to be rude or anything but perhaps you'd do better at the synagogue down the road.
The guy looked across towards his fellow begged and yelled - Moishe, they're telling us how to run our business!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62j473/two_men_sit_collecting_donations_on_either_side/
%
A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"...

"Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.
The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62j37e/a_young_black_jew_asks_his_father_dad_am_i_more/
%
Officer, if you are what you eat...

Then I'm an innocent man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62j0fr/officer_if_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
How do you get a 1 armed man out of a tree

Wave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62izlg/how_do_you_get_a_1_armed_man_out_of_a_tree/
%
My new Thai girlfriend said, "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship."

I still wish she didn't have one...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62iz8n/my_new_thai_girlfriend_said_a_small_penis/
%
What do you call a rich Asian?

Cha-Ching!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ivmf/what_do_you_call_a_rich_asian/
%
All of the lions went missing from my local zoo

The zoo's ok, they lost nothing but their pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62iuu3/all_of_the_lions_went_missing_from_my_local_zoo/
%
What your glass says about your personality

Optimism- The glass is half full
Pessimist- The glass is half empty
Feminist- The glass is raping me﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62iuga/what_your_glass_says_about_your_personality/
%
Why is it called an orgasm?

It would called an andgasm if we were both meant to have it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62isja/why_is_it_called_an_orgasm/
%
How do you start an Ethiopian rave?

Glue bread to the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62isbs/how_do_you_start_an_ethiopian_rave/
%
What do you call a towering penis?

A scrotum pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62irzt/what_do_you_call_a_towering_penis/
%
I'm so sick of people calling me a weeb

If I had a death note they'd be sorry...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62iree/im_so_sick_of_people_calling_me_a_weeb/
%
What does Audrey Hepburn say when you go down on her?

How *kind* of you to let me come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ip20/what_does_audrey_hepburn_say_when_you_go_down_on/
%
I got arrested by a hot female officer today...

She said: everything that you say from now on can be held against you
I said: tits, ass, mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62in89/i_got_arrested_by_a_hot_female_officer_today/
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Chuck Norris once entered an eating contest.

His total time was 45 minutes. 5 minutes to finish the contest, and 40 minutes having sex with the waitress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62imsp/chuck_norris_once_entered_an_eating_contest/
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Momentum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62iil3/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
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What do you call a mushroom that insults you behind your back?

Shit-talky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62iigu/what_do_you_call_a_mushroom_that_insults_you/
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I planted some root vegetables in my yard.

We'll see what turnips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ii6m/i_planted_some_root_vegetables_in_my_yard/
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A mother of 3 boys, ages 4, 6,7, goes to see a Doctor.

She explains that the boys have developed a bad habit of cursing quite a bit. And asks for advice on ways to stop them. He asks her," ma'am I've known these boys awhile and I've wandered if u have ever even spanked them?! They are the most unruly children i have ever known." The mother says," oh my never!" He suggests that she try that. With extreme prejudice he adds.
So the very next morning as all where gathered around for breakfast, mother asks the 7 yr old " what kind of cereal will u be havin?"
"Gimme some those goddamned Post Taosties!" he said. The mother reaches out and backhands the livin shit outta him.
She looks at the 6 yr old " what kind do u want?" He looks at his older brothers bloody lips. And thought fuck it! " Gimme some those goddamned Post Toasties!" Again WHAM!! this time with some force. Blood gushes!
She looks at the youngest and grins " WHAT kind do u want!" the 4 yr old looks at his siblings and their swollen bloody lips " i rightly don't know bitch but u can bet ur sweet ass it aint gonna be no goddamned Post Toasties!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62igya/a_mother_of_3_boys_ages_4_67_goes_to_see_a_doctor/
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Wanna hear a physics pun?

If an aircraft always takes off at an angle, doesn't that make it an inclined plane?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ig8u/wanna_hear_a_physics_pun/
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'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ibm3/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
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I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ibj6/i_was_wondering_why_the_book_about_sex_i_bought/
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If you ever get thrown into jail

Introduce yourself as the mitochondria...
You're the powerhouse of the cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62i4fl/if_you_ever_get_thrown_into_jail/
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If a very social person is called a "people person"...

Then wouldn't a very social goose be called a "geese goose"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62i0r3/if_a_very_social_person_is_called_a_people_person/
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What do grouchy people eat for breakfast?

Fucking corn flakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62i0m5/what_do_grouchy_people_eat_for_breakfast/
%
A falcon 9 rocket lands on the roof or a bar called GE

The barkeeps yells at the rocket..Hey aren't you that rocket that landed up there before? Yes, yes I am bar GE!!
The barkeep yells back but of course I still love you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hxxz/a_falcon_9_rocket_lands_on_the_roof_or_a_bar/
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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”
The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”
The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”
The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”
“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.
“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.
So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”
“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hxub/a_cnn_reporter_a_bbc_reporter_and_an_israeli/
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I watched a documentary about the 1936 summer Olympics in Berlin

It seemed like a wonderful event, but it made me uneasy every time the officials said, "Let's make this a good, clean race."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hxhg/i_watched_a_documentary_about_the_1936_summer/
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IKEA said if they catch me stealing anything else I'll be banned for life

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hvss/ikea_said_if_they_catch_me_stealing_anything_else/
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A Filipino, a Korean, a Laotian, a Chinese, a Japanese and a Vietnamese go to a fancy restaurant. "Sorry" says the Maitre d' ...

"You can't be seated without a Thai."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hvhu/a_filipino_a_korean_a_laotian_a_chinese_a/
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What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62htva/what_does_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumps_his/
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The rash.

It's the beginning of a new school year on a college campus. This doctor is getting rather busy with physicals and check ups on the campus.
A girl comes in for a check up and while she's shirtless the doctor sees a strange rash in the shape of a 'Y' on her chest.
The doctor asks her how she got that and she responds saying, "Actually it's kind of embarrassing. My boyfriend is proud that he goes to Yale so while we're having sex he likes to keep his varsity jacket on."
The doctor finishes up her exam, gets her some ointment, and sends her along.
Not too much later another girl is in the room. During the exam the doctor finds another rash, this time in the shape of an 'H'.
After asking this girl how she got the rash she tells him a similar story of how her boyfriend was proud to be a Harvard student and doesn't like to take off his Letterman's jacket.
Eventually another girl comes in for a physical like the rest. This time he found a rash in the shape of a 'W'.
The doctor says, "Let me guess you have a boyfriend who goes to Wisconsin and doesn't like to take his Letterman's jacket off."
Very offended, she says, "No I have a girlfriend and she goes to Michigan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ht3l/the_rash/
%
How do you get a sheep to shave itself?

Under shear pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ht33/how_do_you_get_a_sheep_to_shave_itself/
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What goes clop clop clop, bang bang bang, clop clop clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hsvs/what_goes_clop_clop_clop_bang_bang_bang_clop_clop/
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An old man was walking home with a duck under his arm

He walked for miles and miles with this duck under his arm braving rain wind and storms, finally after about 15 miles he makes it home and the man's wife asked "why are you holding a duck under your arm?" He replied " it's the pig I've been fucking" the wife understandably pissed off and confused raved" that's no pig you stupid shit that's a fucking duck" the old man told his wife he was talking to the duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hp0w/an_old_man_was_walking_home_with_a_duck_under_his/
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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough" more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes from the lumber yard ever deliver the damn sheet rock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hnt2/a_young_family_moved_into_a_house/
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Did you hear about the man that killed himself?

He was smoking a cigarette ontop of a building and when he was finished, he threw the wrong butt off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hn44/did_you_hear_about_the_man_that_killed_himself/
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My wife and I found some S&M videos on my son's computer...

"What should we do?"
"Well, we can't spank him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hl3b/my_wife_and_i_found_some_sm_videos_on_my_sons/
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Found some global warming porn on my son's computer.

He didn't even put it in the recycle bin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hko6/found_some_global_warming_porn_on_my_sons_computer/
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A monk once explained me the beauty of silence .

I went home and listened to a blank cd on full volume.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hhf9/a_monk_once_explained_me_the_beauty_of_silence/
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Little Johnny was sitting in Sunday school one day.

On this particular day, the teacher asked her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God.”
The teacher praised the little girl as a little boy raised his hand. He said, “I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny’s hand up. “Oh no,” she thought, “I’m not gonna like this. “Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?”
Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, “Your feet.” The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, “Well, I was walking past my parents’ bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!'”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hha3/little_johnny_was_sitting_in_sunday_school_one_day/
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The clock was bored of his tick-tock.

So it changed to a better tack-tick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hgo0/the_clock_was_bored_of_his_ticktock/
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If a man falls off a ship you shout "man overboard". What do you shout if a woman falls off?

Full speed ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hf6c/if_a_man_falls_off_a_ship_you_shout_man_overboard/
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A Man Walks Into A Bar

A man walks into a bar, and sees a sign that reads "$50 if you can make my donkey laugh, $100 if you can make him cry."
Out of curiosity, he asks the bartender about it. To which he replies, "Just like the sign says. The donkey is out back; I'll give you $50 if you can make him laugh, and $100 if he cries. Tons of people have tried, but not one has been able to succeed."
So, after a few drinks, the man decides to give it a shot. He walks out back, and after a few minutes returns and says to the bartender, "The donkey is laughing, pay me."
The bartender, stunned, walks out back and sure enough, the donkey is laughing. He returns and pays the man the $50. The man then walks out back again, and after a few minutes, returns and says to the bartender, "The donkey is crying, pay me."
Bartender couldn't believe it, walks outside, and sure enough, the donkey is crying. So he returns and pays him the $100 and says "Hey, I gotta ask, how the hell did you do that? No one has ever done that."
The man finishes his drink and replies. "Well, the first time... I told him that my dick was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hctt/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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During the Vietnam war, if you reported one communist...

You would win one thousand dollars.
If you reported 2 communists, you would win 2 thousands dollars.
If you reported 3 communists, you would go to jail because you knew too many communists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hbdi/during_the_vietnam_war_if_you_reported_one/
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The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER..."

...is when they're lowering my casket into the ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62hb9j/the_only_time_my_wife_will_ever_scream_deeper/
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What's the difference between LSD, and the church of LDS?

One to take with a sugar cube, the other you take with a grain of salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62had7/whats_the_difference_between_lsd_and_the_church/
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What did the ramp say to the man in a wheelchair?

I'm inclined to help you get to where you need to go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ha2q/what_did_the_ramp_say_to_the_man_in_a_wheelchair/
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A newly wed husband comes home from work

He finds the house spotless, his wife has been cleaning all day.  There's a great smell of food in the air. He goes to the kitchen and finds his wife.  She says "I've been working all day on this food,  I hope you like it". The husband picks her up and says "you're all the food I want" and takes her up the stairs  to the bedroom and they fuck all night.
The next day, the same thing happens. He comes home to a nice clean house and a nice meal, picks his wife up, tells her "you're all the food I want" and takes her up the stairs to fuck.
The third day, the husband comes home and the house is a mess, completely dirty and the smell of burning food. He finds his wife going up the stairs, sliding down the rail, and going back up. He's furious.  "what the hell are you doing?" he asks. So she answers, "warming up your food".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62h8qr/a_newly_wed_husband_comes_home_from_work/
%
Why don't dinosaurs drive?

Because the Tyrannosaurus wrecks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62h1ad/why_dont_dinosaurs_drive/
%
I don't like judgemental people

They are all a bunch of cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62h07x/i_dont_like_judgemental_people/
%
Why are turtles so sad?

They have to live a long time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62gvwi/why_are_turtles_so_sad/
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What is the similarity between a tornado in Alabama, and a divorce in Alabama?

No matter how you look at it, somebody is losing a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62grya/what_is_the_similarity_between_a_tornado_in/
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Does anyone know a good phlebotomy joke?

I've been trying to come up with one, but my efforts have been in vein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62gpt2/does_anyone_know_a_good_phlebotomy_joke/
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How does Hitler tie his shoes?

In little Nazi's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62gp75/how_does_hitler_tie_his_shoes/
%
Two blonds sitting

... The first one asked the other: "who are those two blond men sitting in front of us?"
The other one replied: "I don't know. I will go ask them."
&nbsp;
Right when the guy stood up, the other one said: "wait, never mind, they've sent one to ask us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62gjob/two_blonds_sitting/
%
She asked me what I wanted from our relationship.

Apparently, "a way out" was not the right *answer* to give.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62gifq/she_asked_me_what_i_wanted_from_our_relationship/
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Elderly couple

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.  Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62gh5m/elderly_couple/
%
There are two types of people in the world.

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ggnt/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?

He pasta way.
I never sausage a tragic thing.
He is now a pizza history.
Sending olive my support to his family.
We cannoli do so much though.
I feel for his wife. Cheese still not over it.
I guess he just ran out of thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62gfqm/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_who_died/
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People say we flat-earthers don't believe the world is round. That is a lie.

Of course the world is round, just like a pancake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62gdqw/people_say_we_flatearthers_dont_believe_the_world/
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It's actually really hard to write jokes,

When you have arthritis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62gc80/its_actually_really_hard_to_write_jokes/
%
Two rednecks were sitting in a bar discussing their...

... favorite sex positions.
One of them says, “I think rodeo would have to my favorite”.
The other one says, “I’ve never heard of that one, what is it?”
So the first guy says, “You sit on your wife’s back with your hands on her boobs and
say,
'these feel just like your sister’s’
and then you have to try and stay on for 8 seconds”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62gbgg/two_rednecks_were_sitting_in_a_bar_discussing/
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Took one of those annoying cold calls at dinner. "Have you had an accident in the last 5 years..."

Yes.
And we called her Amy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ga8q/took_one_of_those_annoying_cold_calls_at_dinner/
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Two guys are taking a train from Kentucky to Pittsburgh

One of the gentlemen walks up to the ticket booth.
A woman with great big breasts is standing behind the counter.
The man says, "Hi there, I would like to pickets to Tittsburgh"
Realizing his mistake, he's is embarrassed and immediately apologizes to the woman saying, "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to say that! I'm so embarrassed!"
The other man says to him, "Hey don't worry, it was just a slip of the tongue, it happens all the time. Like this morning at breakfast, I meant to ask my wife to 'pass me the salt', but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch you ruined my life'."
*Credit to a friend who told me this a few years back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62g8w5/two_guys_are_taking_a_train_from_kentucky_to/
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I got a white noise machine to help me sleep...

but it just keeps saying things like "I have many friends of different colors" and "I just wish America was like how it used to be."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62g81l/i_got_a_white_noise_machine_to_help_me_sleep/
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What do you call group phone sex?

A 4G

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62g51t/what_do_you_call_group_phone_sex/
%
I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
"NOTHING"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62g128/i_got_pulled_over_by_a_female_cop/
%
Did you see the movie about graphing?

It didn't have a good plot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62g0of/did_you_see_the_movie_about_graphing/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62fwa6/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Who else thinks we need to finally have a woman for president?

We've got to reduce government spending, and we could staff the white house job for 75 cents on the dollar!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62fvef/who_else_thinks_we_need_to_finally_have_a_woman/
%
I dont need sex.

The government fucks me everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ftm2/i_dont_need_sex/
%
As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...

Him: What's a pirates favorite letter? Me: ARRRGH! Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ft7j/as_told_to_me_by_my_7_yo_son_this_morning/
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Today is Bread day...

I would like to propose a toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62fqyy/today_is_bread_day/
%
Guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last one in the row and does the same. The bartender asks him, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, " Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62fp1j/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man walks into a bar

Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62fm8q/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An epic haircut

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks ......" Hey mate! How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours", and the guy leaves.
Few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?"
Again the barber looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours", and the guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half", the guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey Joey I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says"this must be good , where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says "to your House!"
LOL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62fjt0/an_epic_haircut/
%
All those people who think they know everything are such an annoyance..

..to those of us who actually do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62fj7a/all_those_people_who_think_they_know_everything/
%
I was walking around a shady street late at night, and someone pulled a pair of scissors out at me.

Fortunately, I pulled a rock. Had I pulled out paper, I would've have lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62fai5/i_was_walking_around_a_shady_street_late_at_night/
%
I used to piss my pants everytime I had to stand up in front of my grade 5 class...

It cost me my teaching career.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62f9rc/i_used_to_piss_my_pants_everytime_i_had_to_stand/
%
What's the problem with robot waiters?

The server might crash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62f99y/whats_the_problem_with_robot_waiters/
%
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62f7qd/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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What do you call it when somebody kills a perfect circle of christians?

360 no pope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62f3uy/what_do_you_call_it_when_somebody_kills_a_perfect/
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An elf and a human walk into a bar...

The halfling and the dwarf pass under it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62f3iy/an_elf_and_a_human_walk_into_a_bar/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.
Bonus: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
-Fo' Drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62f29u/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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Made love to my wife last night, just like they do in the movies

I was fast, she was furious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62eyh7/made_love_to_my_wife_last_night_just_like_they_do/
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A Professional

A man takes a taxi home after a long night of work
The taxi runs a red light
The man says "Be careful, we could've gotten in an accident!"
The driver replies "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi runs another red light
The man tells him to pay attention
The driver answers "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi stops at a green light
"The man screams "WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?!"
"In case another professional drives by."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ev2v/a_professional/
%
I swallowed a shoe lace once

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62etz2/i_swallowed_a_shoe_lace_once/
%
I guy I know thought he was a truly fantastic lover...

But it turns out all the women who told him that were lying in bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62etyc/i_guy_i_know_thought_he_was_a_truly_fantastic/
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What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62etxa/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
%
I hope Trump's wall won't upset the Mexicans

I think they'll get over it though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62etu3/i_hope_trumps_wall_wont_upset_the_mexicans/
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I decided to sell my Hoover ...

Well it was just collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62es8j/i_decided_to_sell_my_hoover/
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Joke for LoL, Dota2, and smite players. Why are Jewish junglers the worst?

They always die at the first camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62eo94/joke_for_lol_dota2_and_smite_players_why_are/
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Whenever you hear someone say...

...Bush did 9/11. Simply tell them "Don't JUMP to conclusions."
Thanks /u/Hammi1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62emrn/whenever_you_hear_someone_say/
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Two cows are standing in a field.

Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62emoq/two_cows_are_standing_in_a_field/
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A guy walks into a bar and notices a jar of money on the bar.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.  "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first.  Those are the rules," says the bartender.  So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"O.K.," the bartender says.  "Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse.  You've got to make things right for her."
The man is stunned.  "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!  I won't do it.  You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a  few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps.  Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ekmq/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_notices_a_jar_of_money/
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ek0l/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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An old joke about the Soviet economy

Since Russia is on our minds, here's an old joke used to explain the dysfunction of the former Soviet economy.
An Italian, a Frenchman and a Soviet are waking on the beach when they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and out pops a genie who grants each of them one wish.
The Italian says,"My neighbor has a beautiful house. I don't have a beautiful house. I want a house as nice as my neighbor's."  Poof!  He gets a beautiful house.
The Frenchman says,"My neighbor has a wonderful vacation estate in the south of France. I have no vacation estate. I want a vacation estate just like my neighbor."  Poof!  He gets a vacation estate.
The Soviet says," My neighbor has a goat. I don't have a goat. Kill my neighbors goat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ejj2/an_old_joke_about_the_soviet_economy/
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What does spinach and butt sex have in common?

If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ejiv/what_does_spinach_and_butt_sex_have_in_common/
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My wife was dying

I was by her bed side.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess"
'Shhh' I said," There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
Then she responded, "No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father.
"I know." I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ehfi/my_wife_was_dying/
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I almost dropped the soap bar in the shower

Good thing my uncle was there too to catch it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62effz/i_almost_dropped_the_soap_bar_in_the_shower/
%
How do construction workers party?

They raise the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ed2y/how_do_construction_workers_party/
%
Why do African newborn babies cry?

They have a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ecr0/why_do_african_newborn_babies_cry/
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Three guys are stranded on a desert island

Suddenly a good fairy appears and tells them: "I will grant each of you one wish".
The first guy says: "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, I just want to be home." His wish is granted.
The second guy says: "I've always wanted to see the world so I wish to be in Paris." His wish is granted.
The third guy says: "Oh man, now I'm all alone :(.
I wish the two other guys back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ec6x/three_guys_are_stranded_on_a_desert_island/
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Why is it that when a woman gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun...

BUT when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip nut collection tray, together with optional built-in realistic rape scream 7.1 surround system, he's called a pervert?
Double standards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ebu0/why_is_it_that_when_a_woman_gets_a_vibrator_its/
%
How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ebeq/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
The commenters in r/jokes are so giving, but they hate when people stick around

In EVERY single thread I read a comment that says "take my upvote and get out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ea4b/the_commenters_in_rjokes_are_so_giving_but_they/
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Humpty Dumpty always had a terrible summer.

At least he had a great fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62e7tp/humpty_dumpty_always_had_a_terrible_summer/
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How many guitarists does it take to cover 'Dust In The Wind'?

Evidently all of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62e5h2/how_many_guitarists_does_it_take_to_cover_dust_in/
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Hell explained

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa repeatedly kept shouting 'Oh my God, I’m coming!'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62e5e0/hell_explained/
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Is Google a boy or a girl ?

Google is a Girl because it won't let you complete
the whole sentence and starts guessing, suggesting and
you ask only one question,
but get hundreds of irrelevant answers in seconds...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62e2xt/is_google_a_boy_or_a_girl/
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Dad, I just got a haircut, what do you think?

"Why didn't you get all of them cut?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62e0bz/dad_i_just_got_a_haircut_what_do_you_think/
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We're building a wall. Get over it! - Donald Trump

We will - Mexico

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62e0at/were_building_a_wall_get_over_it_donald_trump/
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I'm with the government when it comes to solving our countries problems.

I haven't got a fucking clue either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62dz46/im_with_the_government_when_it_comes_to_solving/
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Guy Walks into a Bar

Sits down and order 10 shots of Jack. Barkeep lines them up, and our guy starts knocking them back, one after the other. Bartender asks "Why are you drinking them like that? What's the hurry?" Guy says "No hurry; I'm just celebrating my first blowjob." Barkeep says "Hey, that's great! I'll get you one on the house!" Guy says "No, thanks. If ten shots don't get this taste out of my mouth, one more's not gonna help..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62dz0l/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Capitalization is the difference between

Helping your uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62duwk/capitalization_is_the_difference_between/
%
Thanksgiving Shopping

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62due5/thanksgiving_shopping/
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Golf with the Wife

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62duda/golf_with_the_wife/
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I have a massive crush on a world leader, my wife thinks I'm joking...

...but it's Trudeau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62dljh/i_have_a_massive_crush_on_a_world_leader_my_wife/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Ay Matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62dkol/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
I am like an oil....

Extra-Virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62dklu/i_am_like_an_oil/
%
Whats the internal temperature of a taun taun?

Luke warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62dk0k/whats_the_internal_temperature_of_a_taun_taun/
%
What Religion Is Your BRA?

A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said:
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There"s more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable."
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist
types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple."
The Catholic type supports the masses . . .
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen . . .
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright . . .
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills . . .
Oh, and have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can"t Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can"t get up!
Oh they forgot the German bra: Holtzemfromfloppen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62diyr/what_religion_is_your_bra/
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A muslim walks into a gay bar

The bartender ask what he'll be having. The Muslim replies, shots for everybody﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62dh7k/a_muslim_walks_into_a_gay_bar/
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

Bricks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62dfk4/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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A farmer goes to a brothel

A farmer goes to a brother a brings a rose. The manager finds this peculiar but sends him upstairs. He finds a favorite gives her the rose and spends the night with her. But instead of sleeping with her he finds with her in the fanciest way eating dinner making polite conversation and promises to return the following night.
True to his word he returns again the next night, this time bringing gifts of flowers and some fruits and veggies from his farm. At dinner she asks how he grows his food and he tells her all about soils and pH and the whole process. When they wake up he promises to come again.
This goes on for a few days. Soon all the girls are being spoiled with his flowers and produce and are expecting all their Johns to be so kind.
At the end of the week she asks if she can see his farm and he agrees to it.
On the way out the door the manager shouts at them to stop.
He grabs the man by the shoulder and says
"Thats enough, you can bring culture here to the whores but you can't bring a horticulture. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ddu6/a_farmer_goes_to_a_brothel/
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Congressmen don't have sex

They just mass debate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62dbpl/congressmen_dont_have_sex/
%
Two men were out fishing

when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies “Yes I do!” and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks “Where did you get this?”
The guy replies “Oh I have a personal genie.”
The first man asks “Can I make a wish? ”
Sure says the other man “Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing”
“Ok I will” says the other
as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man
what he wants
The man says ” I want a Million Bucks ”
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle
and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other
” Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?
” The other man replies “I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62d6w6/two_men_were_out_fishing/
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There are two types of people in the world:

Those who complete their sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62d6sf/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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What do you call an aroused horse?

Horneigh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62d5os/what_do_you_call_an_aroused_horse/
%
The first thing i do when I wake up in the morning....

Is I take a giant shit.
The second thing I do is get out of bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62d4bp/the_first_thing_i_do_when_i_wake_up_in_the_morning/
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Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62d3q5/jesus_life_told_by_the_bible/
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Dentists and an Irish.

An Irish went to a dentist for tooth extraction and first enquired about cost. Dentist said 1200 , the Irish thought it was too much.
After some thought, he asked about cheaper methods.
The dentist said, Yes, it can be done without anesthesia and will cost only 300, but it would be very very painful.
Irish said OK Dr, do it without anesthesia.
The dentist removed the tooth without anesthesia and during the entire procedure the Irish sat quietly, even smiling a little.
The dentist was not only surprised, but was quite impressed and said
I have never seen such a brave patient like you. I don't even want my fees, instead, take this 500 as a reward, you've taught me such a powerful lesson today about mastering one's pain and feelings !!!
In the evening he met his fellow dentists and told everyone about his amazing Irish patient.
Out of all doctors, one doctor jumped up and shouted that Irish first came to me, I gave him anesthesia and asked him to wait outside for half an hour ! After half an hour when I called him he had left ! That dr was a Brit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62cvdy/dentists_and_an_irish/
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A Guy walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62cpyh/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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I saw a sign that said disabled toilet

No one will help me find the button to enable it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62cp2o/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_disabled_toilet/
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An old women goes to the doctor

She says to the doctor, "I have a really embarrassing problem and I have finally convinced myself to come and see you"
"You see, I constantly fart, but they don't smell and they don't make any noise so it hasn't bothered me all these years. I've even farted three times since coming into your office"
"I see" says the doctors and proceeds to prescribe her some pills. "Take these three times a day and come back for a checkup in a week".
A week later the woman storms into the doctors office. "Doctor what have you done! ever since taking those pills my farts have become unbearably stinky, you've made it worse!"
The doctor calmly says "right, now that we've cured your sinuses, lets start working on your hearing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62cnec/an_old_women_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Chocolate mousse isn't my cup of tea...

I find it off pudding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62chin/chocolate_mousse_isnt_my_cup_of_tea/
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A Funny Joke

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ccyo/a_funny_joke/
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Why cant dinosaurs clap their hands?

Because they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62cbgr/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap_their_hands/
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A new twist on an old joke

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62calv/a_new_twist_on_an_old_joke/
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Mao Zedong once said that there are only two genders.

Male and abortion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62cace/mao_zedong_once_said_that_there_are_only_two/
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What do you call a snake that's 3.14 feet long?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ca5f/what_do_you_call_a_snake_thats_314_feet_long/
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A man in the desert finds an old oil lamp...

... he rubs the lamp (as is traditional), and surprise! Out pops a genie.
"The contract is made, for freeing me from the lamp I shall grant you THREE WISHES!"
Sweet! Thinks the man I'm gonna make the best of this! And he whispers something in the genie's ear.
"IT SHALL BE DONE!" Bellows the genie as he claps his hands, and a mansion appears nearby. And this is no ordinary mansion. It's got a pool, a garden with trees, flowers and the lot, climate control (which is very important in the desert), fast cars out front and everything you could ever need.
The man is understandibly excited and whispers his next wish to the genie.
"IT SHALL BE DONE" once again reverberates out across the sands accompanied by the clap of the genie's hands.
Suddenly the doors of the mansion burst open and out pours a horde of beautiful women of all ethnicities all of whom rush over to the man, eager to bestow their affection upon him.
"This is awesome!" Says the man, "come here genie I have one more wish right?"
Obediently the genie glides over and the man whispers his last wish in the genie's ear.
The genie gives the man a funny look and says:
"...okay...?" And claps his hands.
Once again a horde of people pour out from every opening but this time they're fully dressed in white with huge pointy hoods! They charge to the man, pushing all the women out of the way in the meantime grab him, get out a rope and lynch him from one of his own very trees, till he dies!
The genie, perplexed, watches from a far and says to himself:
"Look I understand he wanted to be a rich man with a mansion, I get that he wanted women, but why did he want to be hung like a black man?"
(All credit goes to my mate for telling me this joke).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62c8mz/a_man_in_the_desert_finds_an_old_oil_lamp/
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My girlfriend's parents are very religious

The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame because he is very attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62c6xu/my_girlfriends_parents_are_very_religious/
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My name is Zane, and my girl told me goodbye today.. All I did was ask her to feed the cat

She said, "I'll feed her, Zane."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62c3ue/my_name_is_zane_and_my_girl_told_me_goodbye_today/
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I'll tell you what I know about dwarves

Very little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62c2ya/ill_tell_you_what_i_know_about_dwarves/
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What do you call someone who can't pee?

Piss poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62c1s8/what_do_you_call_someone_who_cant_pee/
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How do you get someone in Russia to wait?

Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62bzqe/how_do_you_get_someone_in_russia_to_wait/
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When Jehovah's witnesses knock on my door...

I just tell them "Sorry, I'm Jehovah's Prosecutor and shouldn't be talking with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62bzkz/when_jehovahs_witnesses_knock_on_my_door/
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Someone pressured me into smoking weed one time and it still scares me to this day

I call it blunt force trauma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62bvpa/someone_pressured_me_into_smoking_weed_one_time/
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Why don't people ever make jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones?

The punch line is too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62buzv/why_dont_people_ever_make_jokes_about_the/
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What did Eve have to do to repent for her countless sins?

Add 'em

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62brjd/what_did_eve_have_to_do_to_repent_for_her/
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I never paid for my exorcism

I hope I don't get repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62bpd0/i_never_paid_for_my_exorcism/
%
I cannot wait until..

There is a scandal involving an actual Gate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62boz1/i_cannot_wait_until/
%
How Deaf People Have Sex!

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62bnyd/how_deaf_people_have_sex/
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Did you know that Iceland...

...is only one sea away from Ireland…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62bndz/did_you_know_that_iceland/
%
It's 'P' as in "Pterodactyl"

I always say this to English learners just to mess with them XD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62blo2/its_p_as_in_pterodactyl/
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What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62bku6/whats_the_difference_between_my_ex_and_the_titanic/
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What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me! I'm going in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62bizu/what_did_the_penis_say_to_the_condom/
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Superman is flying around on patrol,

when he sees Wonder Woman nude on a rooftop. She is squirming and moaning. Superman says to himself, "I can fly down there and fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know it." So he flys down, gives a few good pumps and flys away. Wonder Woman pops up and screams, "What the fuck was that?" The Invisible Man says, "I have no fucking clue but my ass is killing me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62bikk/superman_is_flying_around_on_patrol/
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[NSFW] Your momma so ugly

when she was giving blowjobs, everyone though it was anal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62bdje/nsfw_your_momma_so_ugly/
%
Why don't Jews do drugs?

because last time they got baked it didn't go so well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62bbvo/why_dont_jews_do_drugs/
%
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are

But i laugh more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62b9je/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
%
Why did the spider go to college?

To get his degree in web design!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62b8gv/why_did_the_spider_go_to_college/
%
I made a donation to mesothelioma research.

They're kinda limited on funding and doing asbestos they can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62b86i/i_made_a_donation_to_mesothelioma_research/
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How do you fit an elephant in to a safeway bag?

It's easy! Just take the S out of safe and the F out of way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62b3c6/how_do_you_fit_an_elephant_in_to_a_safeway_bag/
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In a lesbian relationship, which one makes the sandwiches?

Neither. They eat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62b2oy/in_a_lesbian_relationship_which_one_makes_the/
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Three guys walk into a wizard's bar

They are greeted by an old man with a long beard at the bar who introduces himself as the bartender.
"Tonight only, for just $100, you can have an endless glass of anything in this bar!"
"Yeah right!" The first guy says. "Bet you can't get me an endless, cold Moosehead!"
With a flick of the old man's hand, a cold Moosehead appears before the first guy!
"Not bad, but let's see if this is *actually* unlimited!"
In an single go, the first guy downs the entire beer. After opening his eyes again, however, he sees that the glass has already been refilled!
"No way!" the first guys says in excitement, and after downing another Moosehead is pleased to watch it refill itself again.
The first guy then thanks the wizard, pays the $100, then puts a $10 tip in the tip jar before heading out.
The second guy, still in disbelief, says,
"This has got to be fake! I bet you can't get me an endless Mojito!"
Once again, with the flick of the wizard's hand, a Mojito magically appears before the second guy!
He then downs three Mojitos which magically refills itself, then pays and puts a $50 tip in the jar before heading off.
The wizard then looks to the third guy and says, "And what will you have tonight, sir?"
The third guy immediately points to the tip jar and says,
"I'll have an endless glass of that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62b2h1/three_guys_walk_into_a_wizards_bar/
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I can still remember my grandpa's last words...

"Hey, stop shaking the ladder!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62axi9/i_can_still_remember_my_grandpas_last_words/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I didn't pay $50 to have a garbanzo bean on my face last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62aw9n/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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Two thristy aliens landed on my keyboard

They were looking for the space bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62att1/two_thristy_aliens_landed_on_my_keyboard/
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My friend has a weird quirk: he gets explosive diarrhea and just can't contain himself when he sees a certain soccer player...

And boy, it's Messi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62aqwd/my_friend_has_a_weird_quirk_he_gets_explosive/
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When life gives you lemons...

Peel one of the lemons in front of the others... You know, to send a message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62adjr/when_life_gives_you_lemons/
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Whats the evidence that Gaston is the best guy ever?

He won the no Belle prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62acyz/whats_the_evidence_that_gaston_is_the_best_guy/
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Moses was the first person to use...

...Control-C as a shortcut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62ac5r/moses_was_the_first_person_to_use/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62aasv/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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What do you get when you mix a Mexican with a octopus?

I don't know either, but could you imagine that thing picking apples?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62a9sd/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_mexican_with_a/
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Donald Trump visits an old folks' home

to mingle with the people and pick up a little good P.R. at the same time. He walks up to a sweet old lady in a wheelchair who smiles at him with an other wise blank stare.
"Do you know who I am ?" asks Donald Trump.
She responds, "No, but if you ask the desk, they'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62a7a8/donald_trump_visits_an_old_folks_home/
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Scientists have discovered a new creature.

The creature resembles a centaur from the legends and it seems to be always receiving a lot of attention from other animals and plants.
Tldr: it's a Centaur of attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62a5pa/scientists_have_discovered_a_new_creature/
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What's the difference between a gun and a feminist?

A gun has one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62a2kl/whats_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a_feminist/
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What's the best way to guarantee you won't go to jail.

Become a politician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62a12z/whats_the_best_way_to_guarantee_you_wont_go_to/
%
Gay jokes aren't funny.

Come on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62a0ll/gay_jokes_arent_funny/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62a0e3/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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What's hit more balls that David Beckham's right foot?

Elton John's chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62a01r/whats_hit_more_balls_that_david_beckhams_right/
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Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629yyb/why_dont_italians_like_jehovahs_witnesses/
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An amnesiac walks into a bar.

I forgot the rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629yw6/an_amnesiac_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear the low quality pun about the low quality parchment?

It's tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629ubr/did_you_hear_the_low_quality_pun_about_the_low/
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So a spider just crawled onto my keyboard

But don't worry I think it's under ctrl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629s1g/so_a_spider_just_crawled_onto_my_keyboard/
%
Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Neither have they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629rhw/have_you_ever_had_ethiopian_food/
%
A man walks up to a teller in a bank...

"Can I help you, sir?"
"Yeah, I want to open a fucking checking account."
"Sir, you don’t need to use that kind of language."
"I just wanna open a fucking checking account!"
"Sir, please stop that, or I will get my manager."
"Why don't you just help me open a fucking checking account?!"
"That’s it, I’m bringing my manager to talk to you."
She walks into her manager's office and comes back out a minute later with the manager. The manager walks up to the man at the counter.
"Now what’s the problem here?"
"Look, I just won 10 million dollars in the lottery, and I want to open a fucking checking account."
"I see, and this bitch is giving you trouble?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629mry/a_man_walks_up_to_a_teller_in_a_bank/
%
"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629mar/no_thanks_im_a_vegetarian/
%
Donald Trump looks great in orange...

but even better impeach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629j4z/donald_trump_looks_great_in_orange/
%
A wife is watching a cooking show

The husband walks in and says "Why are you watching a cooking show?  You don't even know how to cook!"
The wife replies, "Well you watch porn..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629ik3/a_wife_is_watching_a_cooking_show/
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I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim."

I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629huj/i_decided_to_rename_my_toilet_from_the_john_to/
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I apologize if I've already joked about swordsmanship.

I don't mean to riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629h1t/i_apologize_if_ive_already_joked_about/
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My doctor told me to to incorporate more hole foods into my diet

so I ate a box of donuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629g9c/my_doctor_told_me_to_to_incorporate_more_hole/
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Why did the African 3 year old cry?

He was having a mid life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629fne/why_did_the_african_3_year_old_cry/
%
If you tell a joke about communism

Does everyone have to get it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629dao/if_you_tell_a_joke_about_communism/
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Either!

Boy: Dad I can't tell if either is pronounced as ee-ther or i-ther... Which one do you use?
Dad: Either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6298z6/either/
%
What did the squire say to his boss after he tucked him in?

Night knight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6297ax/what_did_the_squire_say_to_his_boss_after_he/
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Gurkhas

The Falklands War had begun.  Britain was unprepared, and as she had done so many times in the past, Britain called up her toughest military unit, The Brigade Of Gurkhas.  The Brigade commander was called in to Army Headquarters to be briefed on their mission.
"You will need to get your force together within ten days," said the general.
"Not necessary," said the Gurkha commander. "We're ready now."
"Marvelous! Sleeping quarters will be arranged for you on board the HMS Invincible," said the general.
"No need.  We'll sleep on the deck," said the Gurkha commander.
"Even better!" said the general. "We'll be sure to provision the ship's mess with enough food for a six weeks expedition."
"Thank you, sir," said the Gurkha commander. "But we'll be fine with our packets of dried yak jerky."
"Splendid," said the general. "Now, as you see on the map, you will assault into the drop zone from the northeast, at 3,000 feet."
"That's too high," said the Gurkha commander. "You'd better make it 500 feet."
"Five hundred feet?" said the general.  "But at such a low altitude there won't be enough time for your men's parachutes to open and slow your jump!"
"Oh!" said the Gurkha commander. "We get parachutes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6296if/gurkhas/
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The baby photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629586/the_baby_photographer/
%
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend...

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.  The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6294dh/a_young_man_was_showing_off_his_new_sports_car_to/
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fat boy slim style

Doctor, doctor, my husband was admitted into hospital for involuntary buttock spasms.
Where is he?
ICU, baby. Shakin' that ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/629424/fat_boy_slim_style/
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A detective meets his partner at the crime scene

Detective 1: What are we looking at?
Detective 2: It ain’t pretty. Triple murder. Semen everywhere.
1: Ugh. The sick bastard. Any clues?
2: Like what?
1: Are we testing the blood? The semen?
2: We got blood samples in the lab now.
1: And the semen?
2: Of course not!
1: Why would you test the blood and not the semen, moron?
2: Because the blood was already here when I arrived, moron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6292k6/a_detective_meets_his_partner_at_the_crime_scene/
%
Breastfeeding in public is natural.

And it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628zej/breastfeeding_in_public_is_natural/
%
So this panda is driving down a road,

And he sees a prostitute standing on the corner, he thinks ' cor im gonna have some of that' and he stops to pick her up. 'Fancy a good time hun?'
'well i would, but im a panda and i dont have a house'
'i know a place' so he lets her in and they drive off. They get back to hers and make their way upstairs.
The panda takes off her clothes and she nibbles his ear, leading to a few hours of furious sex.
As they are both cooling down the prostitute says
'well that was interesting, but if you could pay now then i would like that'
'Pay?' says the panda startled
'yeah, you do know what a prostitute is? Look it up in this dictionary'
so the panda looks down and reads the definition.
-prostitute-a person, in particular a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment.
The panda looks at her and says
'Well im a Panda'
'So?!?'
'Look it up in the dictionary'
She looks down and reads..
-Panda- Eats shoots and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628u6x/so_this_panda_is_driving_down_a_road/
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Border crossing

I was driving back to Canada with my family when we came to the border. After a short wait in line, we get to the guard booth, and he asks if I have anything to declare. With a sigh, I turn to my wife and say, "Honey, I want a divorce."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628sl3/border_crossing/
%
The Pope is in the back of a limo.

He strikes up a conversation with the driver. "This is a pretty nice limo. You know, I can't even remember the last time I drove a car.  It must be at least forty years."  The driver, wanting nothing but to please his high holiness, offers to let the Pope drive for a while.  The Pope, wide eyed, immediately accepts the offer.  They pull over and switch places.  The driver noticed it had clearly been more than 40 years as the Pope swerved all over the road, nearly causing accidents at every swerve.  In no time they are pulled over.  One of the cops gets out of the patrol car and goes to check on what's up.  After less than ten seconds, his partner sees him walking slowly back to the car, dumbfounded; mouth open as the limo slowly pulls back into traffic.  "What the hell happened?" said the partner.  "Look man, I don't know who the hell was in that limo but he's got the damn POPE driving him around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628s82/the_pope_is_in_the_back_of_a_limo/
%
Fat people are like radians

They're only halfway done after one pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628rtt/fat_people_are_like_radians/
%
What did one buttcheek say to the other?

If we stick together, I think we can keep this shit from happening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628riu/what_did_one_buttcheek_say_to_the_other/
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Survey finds that 1 in 3 Republicans are of below average IQ

The other two are Russian Hackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628r0f/survey_finds_that_1_in_3_republicans_are_of_below/
%
A man looks out of his window and sees a gorilla in the tree in his yard.

Not sure what to do next, he looks at the phone book, and thinks "maybe". So he flips to the G's in the yellow pages, and there it is. Gorilla removal service. So he calls the number and tells the man about his problem. The man says he will be right over. When the man arrives he steps out and takes a look at the gorilla, and says "No problem sir, but I will need a little help from you." He goes to his truck, gets a big net, a pit bull, and a gun. He hands the homeowner the net and the gun, and says "I'm going to climb up this tree and push the gorilla out onto the ground. The pit bull is going to bite that gorilla on the nuts and hold him there. You throw the net on them and we will have him!" The homeowner replies "sounds good, but I have one question. What is the gun for?"  The man says "if that gorilla pushes ME out of that tree, you shoot that fucking dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628q26/a_man_looks_out_of_his_window_and_sees_a_gorilla/
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What is the most reliable body part?

Your fingers. You can always count on them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628p0w/what_is_the_most_reliable_body_part/
%
One day Billy got home early from school

His mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Billy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628ook/one_day_billy_got_home_early_from_school/
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How many bloody corpses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Apparently not six because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628nnz/how_many_bloody_corpses_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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Jigsaw Puzzle for Blondes

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He then takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..... he said with a deep sigh" ............
"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628my0/jigsaw_puzzle_for_blondes/
%
Mr. Bean and Einstein are playing a game

"Shall we play a game?" Einstein asked.
Mr. Bean nodded.
"Here are the rules: I will ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me a dollar. Then you ask me a question and if I can't answer it, I will give you $1000," said Einstein.
"Ok," said Mr. Bean.
"Alright," Einstein began. "What is the square root of the factorial of sixty-seven?"
Mr. Bean gave him a dollar.
"Your turn," Einstein said.
"What animal wakes up with 3 legs, crosses the road with 5, but goes to bed with 4?" Mr. Bean asked.
Einstein though long and hard about this question. Finally, he says:
"I can't answer that question," and gives Mr. Bean $1000.
"By the way, what is this intriguing animal?"
Mr. Bean gives him a dollar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628msb/mr_bean_and_einstein_are_playing_a_game/
%
A rural farmer visits his cousin, a librarian at Harvard.

The campus being as big as it is, he finds a random student and asks, "Excuse me ma'am, where's the library at?"
The student is visibly offended and says, "Sir, this is Harvard, we don't end sentences with prepositions!"
The farmer thinks for a bit and replies, "Oh, right. Where's the library at, asshole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628jjr/a_rural_farmer_visits_his_cousin_a_librarian_at/
%
I saw this guy carrying his baby into a bathroom with baby changing changing table.

Five minutes later, I see the guy walk out with the same damn baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6289aj/i_saw_this_guy_carrying_his_baby_into_a_bathroom/
%
The key to marriage is communication.

Don't have any, so you can't fight about what was said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6288hj/the_key_to_marriage_is_communication/
%
I hear Scotland is trying to leave the UK again...

Well if at first you don't secede, try try again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6286tx/i_hear_scotland_is_trying_to_leave_the_uk_again/
%
Why do you never play UNO with Mexicans

They take all the green cards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/628560/why_do_you_never_play_uno_with_mexicans/
%
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?”
The girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6282h5/two_tourists_were_driving_through_louisiana_as/
%
Wife and husband are in the living room.

She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.
At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.
Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.
At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband.
"Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6281pw/wife_and_husband_are_in_the_living_room/
%
A homeless cat kept trying to get into the Armstrong's house.

The couple were heading out for a vacation. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house with the suitcases, they notice the cat dash into the house.  So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6280i8/a_homeless_cat_kept_trying_to_get_into_the/
%
A man goes to the doctor...

The doctor says: "Well I've got bad news and even worse news"
The man says: "Give me the bad news first"
"You've got 24 hours to live" says the doctor,
So the man replies "What could be worse than that!?"
And the doctor says "Well, I tried to call you yesterday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6280ez/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
A redneck decides to get an education.

He goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" he asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"FAG"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627znd/a_redneck_decides_to_get_an_education/
%
What is atheism?

A non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627zaj/what_is_atheism/
%
My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread.

Now she’s toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627ywa/my_gran_fell_asleep_last_night_with_a_cigarette/
%
My gf just told me that she needed some space and time

I think she wants to calculate velocity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627yet/my_gf_just_told_me_that_she_needed_some_space_and/
%
Physics Joke

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are all hanging out and bored so they decide to play hide and go seek. Einstein decides to count first, and as they are counting Pascal leaves to hide in a bush. Newton on the other hand draws a box under himself and just stands there. When Einstein is done counting he walks up to Newton and is like,"Newton, you're not even hiding". Newton then says,"Ah, but you found Newtons over meters squared! You found a Pascal!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627y7x/physics_joke/
%
I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy"...

I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627y5w/i_have_a_bumper_sticker_that_says_honk_if_you/
%
I always wondered why there is such a high rate of divorce among tennis players

Then I realized love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627xsb/i_always_wondered_why_there_is_such_a_high_rate/
%
Which haircut would cost you the most?

Chemotherapy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627xr8/which_haircut_would_cost_you_the_most/
%
How do you tell a joke in Skyrim?

You shout it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627xb9/how_do_you_tell_a_joke_in_skyrim/
%
I'm going to buy a field. Then I'm going to go and stand in it.

While I'm there, I'm going to ring my boss and tell him I deserve a pay rise because I'm out standing in my field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627xaa/im_going_to_buy_a_field_then_im_going_to_go_and/
%
I showed Casey Neistat my tattoo

... and he said it was a Neistat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627x3h/i_showed_casey_neistat_my_tattoo/
%
The new Samsung Galaxy S8 was just announced.

I hear it's the bomb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627wki/the_new_samsung_galaxy_s8_was_just_announced/
%
Many people are shocked...

...when they find out I'm a horrible electrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627uia/many_people_are_shocked/
%
Went to a restaurant with Brutus

He wasn't keen on the Caesar. But he still et tu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627u4y/went_to_a_restaurant_with_brutus/
%
My girlfriend told me to get our ginger kid ready for school.

So I beat him up and stole his lunch money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627ter/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_get_our_ginger_kid_ready/
%
I see myself in you.

Whispered the priest from behind the altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627tbi/i_see_myself_in_you/
%
A gorgeous blonde is stranded on an island...

Two cannibals, father and son, find her.
The son says to the father: Wow dad! She is beautiful! Are we going to eat her?
To which the father replies: No son. Don't be silly, we're keeping her. We're eating your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627s63/a_gorgeous_blonde_is_stranded_on_an_island/
%
How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

By the taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627qyw/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_an_oral/
%
You must be single...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627mnj/you_must_be_single/
%
A snake walks into a bar

The bartender asks "how the hell did you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627lmo/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If blind people could see how the world is today

I think they'd be pretty happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627jkj/if_blind_people_could_see_how_the_world_is_today/
%
How can you tell if a fly has farted?

It flied straight for a moment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627fmu/how_can_you_tell_if_a_fly_has_farted/
%
A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar

Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."
The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627f60/a_black_guy_a_mexican_and_a_muslim_holding_a_gay/
%
A student who never showed up to class or did the reading asked me to curve his final paper grade. I said yes.

I took a red pen, scratched out the grade on the paper, then rewrote the F in cursive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627e5v/a_student_who_never_showed_up_to_class_or_did_the/
%
In America, everything is opposite of Britain

For example:
In Britain, people drive on the left
In America, they drive on the right
In Britain, you watch the TV
In America, the TV watches you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627ds2/in_america_everything_is_opposite_of_britain/
%
I went to a proctologist...

And he said to me: you need to stop masturbing.
I said: why?
And then he responds: So I can examine you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/627ba2/i_went_to_a_proctologist/
%
Why are redneck murders so difficult to solve?

There are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6277ae/why_are_redneck_murders_so_difficult_to_solve/
%
Why do you look so fat?

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat?
Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.
Boy: Is it a good baby?
Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62765f/why_do_you_look_so_fat/
%
Explosives

Mother: "How was school today, Bobby?"
Bobby: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Bobby: "What school?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6275h6/explosives/
%
Donald Trump went to sleep.

He was dreaming and he saw Abraham Lincoln. He asked him what is the best way for him to serve the country. Abraham Lincoln then said "go see a play".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6273vy/donald_trump_went_to_sleep/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62713u/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
What do you call Einstein masturbating?

A stroke of genius

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626ydh/what_do_you_call_einstein_masturbating/
%
An environmentalist friend of mine told me I should buy organic because it's sustainable

I looked at my bank account, and I really disagree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626xda/an_environmentalist_friend_of_mine_told_me_i/
%
What's Beethoven's favourite fruit?

Ba Na Na Na naaaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626r6p/whats_beethovens_favourite_fruit/
%
How does Henry VIII like his coffee?

Decap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626p7h/how_does_henry_viii_like_his_coffee/
%
Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626obs/scotsman_englishman_and_an_irishman_walk_into_a/
%
Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626o2d/communism_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
Procrastinating is a lot like masturbating

It feels good at the time, but then you realize you just fucked yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626ngb/procrastinating_is_a_lot_like_masturbating/
%
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by
saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is
over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't
you like to give something back to
your community?.
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research
also show you that my mother is dying
after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are
far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled
Veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband
died in a dreadful car accident, leaving
her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is
disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what
makes you think I'd give any to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626kne/the_local_charity_realized_that_it_had_never/
%
I was on a plane the other day

The captain was giving his usual intercom speech about flying at 30,000ft etc.
Once he's done he puts the mic down, but the button stays on by accident, and the captain can be heard over the speaker talking to his co-pilot saying 'man I could really just go for a blowjob and a coffee right now.'
Suddenly one of the Stewardess' comes flying down the aisle up to the cockpit to inform the captain.
As she passes by I make sure to tell her, 'hey miss don't forget the coffee!'
Stolen from Good Will Hunting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626jp9/i_was_on_a_plane_the_other_day/
%
Why did the ant fall off the toilet?

Because it was pissed off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626i0o/why_did_the_ant_fall_off_the_toilet/
%
Why do millennials prefer odd numbers?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626gp1/why_do_millennials_prefer_odd_numbers/
%
I asked an Ikea assistant to get out of my way.

He said, “You’re going to have to make me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626euq/i_asked_an_ikea_assistant_to_get_out_of_my_way/
%
Three men are captured by a tribe of cannibals...

The chief of the tribe said. "Gather 10 fruits of the same kind."
The first guy brought 10 grapes.
Then the chief said. "Insert those grapes into your asshole,  if you successfully insert those 10 grapes, we will set you free. But if your face makes any expression. We will kill you."
So the man started putting it inside his asshole. After the fifth grape. He flinches. So they kill him.
The second guy returns with 10 cherries. After the ninth cherry, he laughs. So they kill him.
When the two guys met in heaven, the first guy asks the second guy. "Why did you laugh? You're almost done."
The second guy replied. "I saw the third guy with 10 pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626el4/three_men_are_captured_by_a_tribe_of_cannibals/
%
Why do graveyards have gates?

Because people were dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626cmv/why_do_graveyards_have_gates/
%
I got a Girlfriend!!

Sadly this is the right subreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/626bj9/i_got_a_girlfriend/
%
A reporter is interviewing a man in ISIS

Reporter: "Hello sir, whats your name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6269ae/a_reporter_is_interviewing_a_man_in_isis/
%
Just witnessed this classic on the bus

Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62606f/just_witnessed_this_classic_on_the_bus/
%
An easy question to Albert Einstein!

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/625z6m/an_easy_question_to_albert_einstein/
%
Why did Miss Piggy call in sick to work?

She had a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/625wfi/why_did_miss_piggy_call_in_sick_to_work/
%
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms..

..walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and
says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/625v7v/two_men_dressed_in_pilots_uniforms/
%
I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!"

She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"
I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/625szt/i_was_having_a_beer_with_the_wife_last_night_when/
%
There's no i in team.

But there's no u either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/625q2n/theres_no_i_in_team/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first﻿ chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/625pps/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Jesus Christ may have fed 2000 people with bread and wine...

But Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/625omc/jesus_christ_may_have_fed_2000_people_with_bread/
%
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/625hkw/a_piece_of_toast_and_a_hard_boiled_egg_walked/
%
What did the Left tower say to the Right Tower?

Can't talk right now, gotta catch a flight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/625fyl/what_did_the_left_tower_say_to_the_right_tower/
%
Please enter your new password

WEBSITE: Please enter your new password
ME: beef
WEBSITE: Sorry. Your password is not stroganoff
credit goes to my girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/625eie/please_enter_your_new_password/
%
How does the siren like her Captain Morgan?

On the rocks...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/625dky/how_does_the_siren_like_her_captain_morgan/
%
What do you call a black person flying a plane?

A pilot you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/625cdb/what_do_you_call_a_black_person_flying_a_plane/
%
For the longest time, I thought that you couldn't teach an old dog new tricks.

But he was never able play dead until just now! That rascal won't move no matter *what*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/625aln/for_the_longest_time_i_thought_that_you_couldnt/
%
I was in the debate team in high school.

My best debate was about math. People still say I was the best math debater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6251ol/i_was_in_the_debate_team_in_high_school/
%
I hate being bipolar!

It's awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6250sb/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
Got into a fight with 1,3,5,7,9

The odds were against me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6250ps/got_into_a_fight_with_13579/
%
Hear that joke about Article 50?

*Triggered*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624yqp/hear_that_joke_about_article_50/
%
What's the similarity between an apple and an orange beside that both are fruits?

Both are not a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624y1c/whats_the_similarity_between_an_apple_and_an/
%
What did the Yogi say when he got kicked out of the club?

Namaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624xwp/what_did_the_yogi_say_when_he_got_kicked_out_of/
%
So I heard Trump is going to hire Bob The Builder to build his wall...

To keep Dora from exploring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624wik/so_i_heard_trump_is_going_to_hire_bob_the_builder/
%
I am great friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

...I don't know Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624pps/i_am_great_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
An old man walks into a pub in Scottland, his feet shuffling, his back bent.

He drags himself onto a stool and orders a beer. Placing the full glass in front of him, the bartender inquires upon his sad face.
The man answers with a smoky and trembling voice and a Scottish accent:
Ah, tell ya man! This pub, this very pub we're just sitting in. I built it, with me own hands! But do they call me the Pubmaker? Naa! See the wall over there, that protects our town? I built it, with me own hands! But do they call me the Wallmaker? And the bridge, you know, that crosses our river, I built it, with me own hands! But do they call me the Bridgemaker?
But I tell ya, man! YOU FUCK ONE GOAT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624oby/an_old_man_walks_into_a_pub_in_scottland_his_feet/
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There is definitely something wrong with comic book collectors...

They have issues, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624niv/there_is_definitely_something_wrong_with_comic/
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I met up with a girl to fulfill a rape fantasy she had...

It turns out she had a pepper spray and police report fantasy too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624n23/i_met_up_with_a_girl_to_fulfill_a_rape_fantasy/
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How many bros does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Shit's already lit, fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624jgl/how_many_bros_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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A young man goes up to his father and asks him, "Can i have twenty bucks for a blow job?"

Father replies, " i don't know, are you any good?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624ih3/a_young_man_goes_up_to_his_father_and_asks_him/
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Watch and Learn

Guy: Hey darling can I watch some football today?
SO: For heaven's sake, watch some porn you already know how football's played.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624h00/watch_and_learn/
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Why did God make Adam before he made Eve?

Because He didn't want any fucking advice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624g6h/why_did_god_make_adam_before_he_made_eve/
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What did the 80 year old pirate say?

Aye matey. Then the 82 year old pirate said, aye matey too. The 80yo pirate said, no you're not, you're eighty two! I'm eighty. Then the 82 year old pirate said, Aye matey! Then the 80yo pirate said, no you're not! You're eighty two! Then the 82 year old pirate said, Aye matey! Then the...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624fbl/what_did_the_80_year_old_pirate_say/
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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624f0m/a_short_history_of_medicine/
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I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/624ec3/i_looked_at_my_bank_account_and_found_i_could/
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Two men are on a boat. They have three cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6248jm/two_men_are_on_a_boat_they_have_three_cigarettes/
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My computer auto-corrected "illegal immigrant" to "undocumented person."

It's a PC PC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6244a0/my_computer_autocorrected_illegal_immigrant_to/
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Why is Humpty Dumpty so optimistic about the upcoming Winter?

Because he had a great Fall!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6242lo/why_is_humpty_dumpty_so_optimistic_about_the/
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What's the difference between an AL Queada base and a Pakistani school?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone.
DISCLAIMER: Not my joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62427t/whats_the_difference_between_an_al_queada_base/
%
A man walks into a coffee shop

Cashier: congratulations,  you are our thousandth customer! Enjoy this complimentary bagel.
Man:  hey thanks!
Cashier:  of course, and it's only two dollars!
Man:  i thought you said it was complimentary?
Cashier: it is
Bagel:  you have beautiful eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62424s/a_man_walks_into_a_coffee_shop/
%
Recently, a group of scientists discovered...

a subclass of ant has a genetic mutation that makes them grow larger than average, DESPITE missing a jointed segment on their legs. This same mutation also causes them to have an aversion to dairy-based foods, even with their high based sugar content.
TL;DR lack-toes-in-taller-ants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623zhh/recently_a_group_of_scientists_discovered/
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Three nuns sit at a table.

The first nun says "I found a black condom in the laundry this morning".
The second nun says "No worries, I found a black condom the other day and poked a hole in it".
The third nun had a heart attack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623yip/three_nuns_sit_at_a_table/
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The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked,
"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officers ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623y7p/the_soldier_and_the_nun/
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Capitalization...

Is what defines wether you're helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, or you're helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623t7q/capitalization/
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I'm not panicking yet about ISPs selling my browser history to advertising companies...

On the other hand, when they offer to sell my browsing history to my wife, that would be the appropriate time to panic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623t10/im_not_panicking_yet_about_isps_selling_my/
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What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and glue?

One is an instrument, one is a fish, and one is an adhesive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623szu/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_a_tuna_and/
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How do you communicate with a fish?

You drop him a line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623sop/how_do_you_communicate_with_a_fish/
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I always feel bad for the kids in africa when I waste water..

And when I leave the oven on, I feel bad for the jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623rh2/i_always_feel_bad_for_the_kids_in_africa_when_i/
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I will never fly virgin airlines again...

They never go all the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623qld/i_will_never_fly_virgin_airlines_again/
%
Store owner: Good morning Janet! What can i get for you?

Janet: Something for dinner, please
Store owner: I have some lovely fresh ox tongue!
Janet: Oh, no! Yuck! I couldn't eat something that comes out of an animal's mouth! I'll just have a dozen egg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623q91/store_owner_good_morning_janet_what_can_i_get_for/
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Politicians are like sperm

only 1 in a million turn out to be human

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623p15/politicians_are_like_sperm/
%
As a ginger I insist girls call my dick a fire pole

They feel baby carrot is more suitable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623ni9/as_a_ginger_i_insist_girls_call_my_dick_a_fire/
%
Why did the blind man trip and drown?

He didn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623mv0/why_did_the_blind_man_trip_and_drown/
%
Got gang banged by a group of magicians last night

They were full of fucking surprises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623l4s/got_gang_banged_by_a_group_of_magicians_last_night/
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day,

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623jqn/dave_was_bragging_to_his_boss_one_day/
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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front

, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking mustachioed piece of shit." It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant of the Communist cause, he reports it to his boss. To which Stalin replies, "get him back here."
Two minutes later, Zhukov is back in the room facing Stalin.
"Comrade Zhukov," begins Stalin, "would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?"
"I said 'fucking mustachioed piece of shit' Comrade Stalin."
"And who were you talking about?
"I was talking about Hitler, Comrade Stalin."
Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev,
"And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did you *think* he was talking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623hsq/at_the_height_of_wwii_on_the_eastern_front/
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What's the opposite of Mini Golf?

Macro Polo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623g7q/whats_the_opposite_of_mini_golf/
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Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623f2t/mark_zuckerberg_says_he_wears_a_grey_tshirt/
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A co-worker grabs the new guy by the arm...

A co-worker grabs the new guy by the arm and insists that he join everyone for beers.
New guy looks at him, and tells him, my Faith doesn't allow me to drink.
Why the co-worker asks, are you muslim?
No, my wife, Faith, she punches above her weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623da5/a_coworker_grabs_the_new_guy_by_the_arm/
%
A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.

the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"
the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."
The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"
"no son, i have a wife..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623cuj/a_dad_and_his_son_are_watching_the_news_when_a/
%
Five businessmen on a train

Five businessmen share a train car as they are headed to a large convention. They don't have much in common and not wanting to talk about work, one of the business men breaks the silence
"I bet you all one dollar that I can spit white on this window". All five men pull out their wallets and put a dollar in the middle of the table they sit around. The man spits on the window and as it was white, he collects his five dollars.
The next man pipes up soon after "I bet you all ten dollars I can spit yellow on this window" all five men pull out their wallets yet again and put their money in the middle. The second man lugies on the window producing a yellow bile substance on the window. He then collects his 50 dollars.
The next man states "I bet you fellows 100 dollars each  I can spit green on this window". Playin along, all the men out there money in the middle. The third man swallows a little bit of snot and spits on on the window. He collects his money.
The fourth man says he can beat them all "I bet all of you 500 dollars each I can spit red on this window". Bewildered, everyone puts money in the middle. The man hams his finger up his nose until a little line of blood runs into his mouth, he spits it on the window and collects his money.
Knowing the fourth man won, the men sit back in defeat, until the fifth man chimes in. "I bet all of you 1,000 dollars each I can spit white,yellow,green and red all at the same time".  The men wondering how he'll do it, put their money in the middle.
The fifth man then walks over to the window, slurps up all the liquids on there, and spits it right back. As the rest of the men Look on in disgust, he collects his money and heads to the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623br6/five_businessmen_on_a_train/
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Two fish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and asks, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623aer/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter what you call him, he's never gonna come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6237ru/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no I deer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623796/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
I couldn't get a place at the local library

...........they were completely booked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6236b1/i_couldnt_get_a_place_at_the_local_library/
%
Roses are red, violets are blue.....

Pornhub's down,
Your Insta will do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6235th/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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What do you call it when a piano falls on a kids head?

A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/623534/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_piano_falls_on_a_kids/
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This just in, giant fly attacking the city

The SWAT team has been called in to deal with the situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6234cz/this_just_in_giant_fly_attacking_the_city/
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In Germany, online jokes can be given as a sign of thanks.

They call them danke memes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6232of/in_germany_online_jokes_can_be_given_as_a_sign_of/
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Labiaplasty

Someone told me this joke many years ago, it wasn't Frank but it's as good as he used to tell...  :
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/622y8y/labiaplasty/
%
If you only use shampoo ...

Then you love your hair unconditionally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/622vbj/if_you_only_use_shampoo/
%
I just got glasses!

20/20 would recommend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/622rhl/i_just_got_glasses/
%
What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eyepatch?

Names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/622qob/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_no_arms_no_legs_and/
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What's the difference between tuna, a piano, and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/622esm/whats_the_difference_between_tuna_a_piano_and_glue/
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Just bought one of these new Brexit calculators..

..nothing seems to add up, it just takes away and does division

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/622biy/just_bought_one_of_these_new_brexit_calculators/
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An airplane was about to crash...

An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am Lebron James, the best basketball player. The Cavaliers and my millions of fans need me, so I can't afford to die." He took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.
The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest president in American  history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane as well.
The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10 year-old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and I don't have very many years left, you have plenty of years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy replied, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest president took my schoolbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6229kq/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash/
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What did Chris Brown's future girlfriend text him that she later regretted?

'Hit me up'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6226l8/what_did_chris_browns_future_girlfriend_text_him/
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My Girlfriend is sad that her dog died, so I went out and got her an identical dog

and she said "What the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621ybc/my_girlfriend_is_sad_that_her_dog_died_so_i_went/
%
What did one saggy boob say to the other?

"You'd better perk up or people will think we're nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621xpe/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other/
%
What did the patient say to the surgeon prodding at his tumor?

Hey, cut it out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621uxb/what_did_the_patient_say_to_the_surgeon_prodding/
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Making a prosthetic boob from a tree would be really silly...

Wooden tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621uk7/making_a_prosthetic_boob_from_a_tree_would_be/
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What is it called when a robot has a one night stand?

Nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621txt/what_is_it_called_when_a_robot_has_a_one_night/
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$10,000/bullet Assassin

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621sqi/10000bullet_assassin/
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What's the difference between a pirate and a pimp?

It's all about how you say "Yo Hoe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621r6k/whats_the_difference_between_a_pirate_and_a_pimp/
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A bartender walks into a bar

goes behind the counter and does 12 hours of serving drinks to indifferent faces. They don't care about his life. He delays going home to his wife by flirting with a waitress, but he knows she's just being nice.
He goes home to a wife who hands him divorce papers, and his son at her side, not looking him in the eyes. He signs. His therapist tells him to try something new.
He goes skydiving, because he always wanted to. He forgets to strap on his parachute properly, but he didn't forget, subconsciously he's glad it ends like this. He hits the top of a very tall tree, and falls down, branch by branch. The branches break his fall.
At the hospital the learns, because of the fall, he'll be quadriplegic for the rest of his life. Not only that but his face was horribly mangled and his jaw bone will be terribly deformed.
The doctor takes the bandages off his face as a nurse walks in. Nurse says "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621pa5/a_bartender_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's sadder than children in Africa?

Euthanasia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621mtx/whats_sadder_than_children_in_africa/
%
How do cannibals get ready in the morning?

Just like anyone else they wakee up, get out of bed, put on their pants and eat breakfast, one leg at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621l9l/how_do_cannibals_get_ready_in_the_morning/
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What do you do when you miss your mother in law?

Reload
Aim
Shoot again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621kiv/what_do_you_do_when_you_miss_your_mother_in_law/
%
An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman...

...are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.
The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621jcn/an_englishman_a_german_and_a_frenchman/
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Rude parrot on an airliner

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.
"Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man".
"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you."
"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot.
"A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot.
The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word.
"Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee".
"Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away".
By which time the parrot has finished his drink.
"Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot.
"Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can't wait all night!"
Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.
"Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!"
Two minutes later the stewardess returns but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane.
As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles up the parrot turns to the man and says ..............
"You're a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621hcb/rude_parrot_on_an_airliner/
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Why did the riot police show up early to the protest?

They wanted to beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621bat/why_did_the_riot_police_show_up_early_to_the/
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I found a place where the recycle rate is 98%

/r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621ax3/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycle_rate_is_98/
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Why did the German baker call the police?

Everything in his bakery was stollen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6219zp/why_did_the_german_baker_call_the_police/
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The Valentine's Day Blonde

A woman receives a huge bouquet of flowers from her boyfriend at the office and is clearly upset about it. Her co-workers ask what's wrong.
She replies, very annoyed: "This is just great. Now I guess I'll have to spend the whole evening on my back, with my legs in the air!"
The blonde says, "That's awful! Don't you have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62192s/the_valentines_day_blonde/
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Yo Mama so ugly.....

She went into a haunted house and left with a paycheck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/621787/yo_mama_so_ugly/
%
CNN ran a story about leaked pictures of Donald Trump's penis.

But it turned out to be fake nudes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6215gj/cnn_ran_a_story_about_leaked_pictures_of_donald/
%
You know why I like nihilism?

No reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62129w/you_know_why_i_like_nihilism/
%
The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6211pk/the_lapd_the_fbi_and_the_cia_are_all_trying_to/
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What do you call a group of priests ?

A sex ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6210s7/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_priests/
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Three friends decide to go on a hiking trip...

But they get lost in the wilderness and wander around for hours.
They stumble upon some strange tracks in the forest. The first friend says,
"These are moose tracks!" The second friend says, "No, these are clearly bear tracks!"
The third friend however did not get a chance to say anything as he is run over by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62107v/three_friends_decide_to_go_on_a_hiking_trip/
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How does Harry Potter end an argument when leaving the room?

He slams the Gryffindor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/620zb3/how_does_harry_potter_end_an_argument_when/
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What's the difference between a Camaro and an erection?

I don't have a Camaro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/620zan/whats_the_difference_between_a_camaro_and_an/
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More space

My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of
the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/620y9j/more_space/
%
My favorite joke to tell new guys at work

"Hey you know there's a gay guy who works here right?"
"Who!?"
"Let me suck your dick and I'll tell you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/620y3a/my_favorite_joke_to_tell_new_guys_at_work/
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When he dies my dad’s arranged to be liquidized.

He won't go to any funeral he can't get drunk at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/620xc3/when_he_dies_my_dads_arranged_to_be_liquidized/
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Joke from my daughter

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me:??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/620ojz/joke_from_my_daughter/
%
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/620m0n/a_man_just_assaulted_me_with_milk_cream_and_butter/
%
Where do duck farts come from?

Their buttquacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/620kvi/where_do_duck_farts_come_from/
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What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo

One is quite heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/620kfs/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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A ninja, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Good to see you two”﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/620hqg/a_ninja_a_priest_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_bar/
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Libertarian Paradise...

People often criticize a libertarian paradise saying that the homeless people would just be left to die in the gutter. This is of course complete bull. The gutter would be private property and the homeless will need to find somewhere else to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/620hoe/libertarian_paradise/
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Baby Boomers like to call Millenials stupid.

Aren't you the guys who were buying "pet rocks"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/620gb9/baby_boomers_like_to_call_millenials_stupid/
%
Michael Keaton took roles like Batman, Birdman, and now the Vulture from the new Spider Man movie

I guess you can say he's a good wingman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/620ffa/michael_keaton_took_roles_like_batman_birdman_and/
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What do you call a German asshole?

A Deutschbag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6208yj/what_do_you_call_a_german_asshole/
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One tension plate bumps into another plate...

"Sorry, that was my fault!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/62041z/one_tension_plate_bumps_into_another_plate/
%
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board....

She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.
But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.
Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.
Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.
Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6201ud/the_teacher_walked_into_the_classroom_to_find_the/
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What was Kurt Cobain's favorite seat?

Shotgun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6200sg/what_was_kurt_cobains_favorite_seat/
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(NSFW) you can easily get hired as a porno actor, with little-to-no experience...

Most positions are entry-level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6200o9/nsfw_you_can_easily_get_hired_as_a_porno_actor/
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There was a groundbreaking surgery performed here in Houston, TX.

A baby was born recently that had a congenital condition that caused problems with the development of the delicate tissues on his face. The poor child was born without eyelids. Resourceful doctors and surgeons came up with a plan to circumcise the baby boy and use his foreskin to construct new eyelids, which a talented local plastic surgeon then attached to the existing tissue around his eyes. They can't say for sure how functional the new eyelids will be later in life, but for now the surgery appears to be a huge success, and constant lubrication of his eyes is no longer necessary. The only negative effect of the incredible operation is that now he's a little cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zy9s/there_was_a_groundbreaking_surgery_performed_here/
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What's a mexican's favorite sport?

Cross Country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zwj7/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
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What is reddit's biggest fear?

Karmageddon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zu4z/what_is_reddits_biggest_fear/
%
Never Been Kissed

I was dating a girl and she looked at me and said she'd never been kissed before, so I made out with her for a couple minutes. Then, later, she looks at me and says she's never been fucked before...so I push her into some rapids and said "YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zs36/never_been_kissed/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

Cigarette. Every night after dinner you take him out for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zrz0/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
A man goes to the dentist...

A man went to the dentist to have a tooth extracted.
The dentist gets him seated and says " Ok, just a little novocaine and we can get started.
The man says " Oh doc, I'm not so great with needles, I can't do that..."
"Ok, how about a mask? Can I use that to put you under?"
"No Doc, can't do masks either..."
"Hmm, well how about a pill? Can you take pills?"
"Sure I can handle a pill!"
So the dentist goes to get the medicine and comes back with a little blue pill.
"Wow Doc I didn't know Viagra had pain numbing effects!"
"Well they don't but you're gonna need something to hang onto while I'm pulling that tooth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zrkt/a_man_goes_to_the_dentist/
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I don't believe in free will.

It's just the logical choice not to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zqw0/i_dont_believe_in_free_will/
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Motorist help. (Long)

A man is standing on a Texas roadside with his broken VW Beetle.
A man in a Lamborghini pulls over and offers to help him. The Beetle owner agrees, and the guy from the Lambo tells him to flash his high beams if they are going too fast.
So they go. At some point, the Lambo+Beetle combination is overtaken by a Porsche 911. The Lamborghini driver does not want to be beaten, and, soon enough, it ends up being a street race. At this point, the Beetle driver sees it as too fast and starts flashing his high beams.
A police helicopter pilot sees this scene, and calls the dispatch, saying:
- I've just seen something impossible.
The dispatch asks:
- What?
The cop says:
- A Lambo street racing with a Porsche 911.
The dispatch tells him:
- Well, tell them through the PA to pull over.
The cop says to the dispatch:
- I have not finished. There is a Beetle right behind the Lambo, and the Beetle driver is *signalling with his high beams that he wants to pass!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zqvt/motorist_help_long/
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Did you hear about the guy who is constantly starting up new restaurants?

He is a real Entree'peneur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zqju/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_is_constantly/
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Why are most women bad at parking?

Because they have been constantly lied to about what 6 inches are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zq6w/why_are_most_women_bad_at_parking/
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The last thing you want on a flight is to be woken by a panicking stewardess.

Particularly if, like me, you're the pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zpym/the_last_thing_you_want_on_a_flight_is_to_be/
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What do you call a high-grossing movie about cops?

A blackbuster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zmbf/what_do_you_call_a_highgrossing_movie_about_cops/
%
A mother in law knocks on the door, her son in law opens it....

MIL - hi Gabe, I'm here for a visit.
Gabe - cool. How long are you here for?
MIL -  I don't know, as long as you want me to.
Gabe - you mean you won't even stay for a cup of tea?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zk2k/a_mother_in_law_knocks_on_the_door_her_son_in_law/
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How does a plant say sorry?

They aPOLLENgize!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zjiq/how_does_a_plant_say_sorry/
%
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zjaa/a_priest_has_a_heart_attack_and_is_rushed_to_the/
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What is the difference between the American Revolutionary War and several cows being launched into space?

One was the shot heard around the world and the other is a herd shot around the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zgdb/what_is_the_difference_between_the_american/
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What did the firefighter pimp say when he walked into the club?

Where my hose at?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zf3n/what_did_the_firefighter_pimp_say_when_he_walked/
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The couple agreed that the first one to wake up had to wake up the other with oral.

The guy woke up first and the girl was soon gasping for air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zc21/the_couple_agreed_that_the_first_one_to_wake_up/
%
How do chess players reproduce?

By check-mating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61zbv4/how_do_chess_players_reproduce/
%
I love a good steak joke

It's a rare medium well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61z8wu/i_love_a_good_steak_joke/
%
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61z7i3/i_tried_to_explain_to_my_4_year_old_son_that_its/
%
I was going to tell a joke about a boomerang...

But I can't remember it. It'll come back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61z71t/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_a_boomerang/
%
How did the Italian chef die?

He past-a-way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61z6zc/how_did_the_italian_chef_die/
%
I went back to the town where I grew up...

I went back to the town where I grew up to walk around and relive old memories. I turned down the old street where I used to live, and found my childhood home. I knocked on the door and asked the occupants if I could come in. They said no.
My parents can be real assholes sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61z6tz/i_went_back_to_the_town_where_i_grew_up/
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You see comrade, there is no I in team

But there is a U in gulag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61z5xb/you_see_comrade_there_is_no_i_in_team/
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jim

I've decided to no longer refer to the bathroom as "the john".  Instead I will call it "the jim".  That way, I can say in all honesty that I went to the jim this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61z56r/jim/
%
I like to press the F5 key repeatedly...

I just find it very....refreshing.
OK I'll show myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61z3jk/i_like_to_press_the_f5_key_repeatedly/
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An epileptic cop brakes up a drug ring in an underground night club.

It was a search and seizure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61z2vh/an_epileptic_cop_brakes_up_a_drug_ring_in_an/
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What is the difference between a washing machine and your sister?

A washing machine doesn't follow me around for a week after I dump a load into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61yzgr/what_is_the_difference_between_a_washing_machine/
%
When life gives you lemons...

... a simple surgery can give you melons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61yxdz/when_life_gives_you_lemons/
%
A girl, her grandma, a guy and his boss share a compartment in a train.

From the beginning of the journey it's pretty obvious that the girl and guy like each other.
Once when the train passes through a tunnel and plunged into darkness a kissing sound and slap is heard.
When the train comes out into light, the old woman thinks, "It was daring of that guy to kiss my grandchild, but it was rightful of her to slap him".
The boss thinks, "The guy is brave to try such a thing, but I wish she hadn't mistook me for him".
The girl thinks "Wow the guy is a brave one, but I wish my grandma didn't have to slap him".
While the guy thinks, "This has to be my luckiest day. I get to kiss a girl and slap my boss".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ysdr/a_girl_her_grandma_a_guy_and_his_boss_share_a/
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You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant....

If it floats: boy ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61yrtv/you_can_tell_the_sex_of_an_ant_by_dropping_it/
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What do sex and pizza have in common?

It's not very good when you buy it from a gas station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61yp0t/what_do_sex_and_pizza_have_in_common/
%
A gender studies graduate tries to find a job in his field...

He attends several exams and many personal interviews, only to be rejected.
Being fed up after so many months of his job hunting, he decides to get into any job that can at least cover his daily needs.
He visits a circus group and asks for a job. The owner responds that there isn't any job for his education level. He follows up that there is a vacancy to act as a monkey and perform funny actions. The
unemployed youth accepts the offer since he can at least afford his living expenses
So he dresses up as a monkey and entertains audiences. One day while he is performing, he accidentally falls into the lion's ring.
Everyone was shocked as the monkey fell into
lion's ring. No one knew that he was a man dressed up as a monkey. The man himself was dreadful and feared for his life. He felt pity for himself as he was going to become a victim of unemployment.
The lion comes closer to him but doesn't attack.
The youth is also surprised. The lion then whispers,
"dude, it's me, your TA from last year! The 2015 batch, remember?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ymrp/a_gender_studies_graduate_tries_to_find_a_job_in/
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When life gives you melons....

you might be dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ylq2/when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
Girl: Come over

.
Guy: Im coming over.
Girl: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61yl3l/girl_come_over/
%
Driver and the Pope

After getting all of Pope Francis's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the kerb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell?' asks the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is Argentinian,)(and Fangio the famous racer was Argentinian.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence -- and my job!', moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches; but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The President?'
Cop: 'Bigger.
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ykwm/driver_and_the_pope/
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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61yja6/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
An old lady dies and goes to heaven...

When standing by the gates, she asks the Guardian:
- "Why are there 2 doors, one blue and one red?"
- "Well, the blue one is the entrance to the Heavens, while the red one leads to Hell. You may choose any of the two."
Meanwhile, drilling noises and loud screams are heard coming from behind the blue door...
- "What in the Lord's name is this?!" - asks the old lady.
- "It's just a new soul that is getting its back drilled in order to give it wings."
The old lady is now having second thoughts about that blue door. Out of a sudden, more agonizing screams are heard, also coming from behind the blue door.
- "What's happening?! Why am I hearing more screams?"
- "Don't mind that, my lady. It's just another soul that is getting its head drilled to get its halo."
- "How horrible! I don't want to go to Heaven anymore. I want to go to Hell!"
- "But my lady, the Devil has a reputation for raping! He will most likely rape you too!"
- "Fuck that, at least I have the holes already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61yiry/an_old_lady_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: “Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin?” – “We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: “We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist...” The guest looks a bit confused: “Why a dentist?” - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, “What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61yi2g/donald_trump_and_vladimir_putin_meet_with_guests/
%
A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61yh06/a_lot_of_woman_actually_turn_into_good_drivers/
%
A guy goes in to a brothel with only a few pennies in his pocket...

He walks up to the Madame and handing her the coins asks "Who can I get for this?". Taking the money the Madame says "Go see the girl in room 23."
Walking up the stairs the guy thinks "What kind of monster am I gonna find for such little money??".
But as he enters the room he see a gorgeous naked woman lying naked, spread eagle on the bed. There must be a mistake he thinks, but what luck! And turning off the light he jumps on and starts jack hammering away.
After a little while, and during this fit of love making, the guy accidentally knocks the bed side lamp flicking it on. Looking down at the woman he sees a strange liquid coming from the corners of her eyes.
Freaking out, he leaps off and runs downstairs, back to the Madame. He cries "Hey, that woman's got some weird stuff seeping from her eyes, she needs help!".
And to the handyman in the corner the Madame yells "Oi Steve! The dead one's full up again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61yflb/a_guy_goes_in_to_a_brothel_with_only_a_few/
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Why did the alcoholic undertaker go bankrupt?

He spent all his money on biers and preaches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61yc61/why_did_the_alcoholic_undertaker_go_bankrupt/
%
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ybm5/maybe_if_we_all_emailed_the_constitution_to_each/
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If you woke up in the woods?

Guy: "If you woke up in the middle of the woods bound and gagged bent over a tree stump with your trousers round your ankles and your arse red raw would you tell anyone?"
Girl: "No I don't think I would"
Guy: "Do you want to go camping?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ya4o/if_you_woke_up_in_the_woods/
%
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan walk into a bar...

The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61y98e/ayn_rand_rand_paul_and_paul_ryan_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I went to a really depressing wedding recently.

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61y8bq/i_went_to_a_really_depressing_wedding_recently/
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Donald Trump is like Jon Snow

He's obsessed with the wall and he knows nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61y6vy/donald_trump_is_like_jon_snow/
%
what do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?

a small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61y4k2/what_do_you_call_a_midget_psychic_who_just/
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A woman is looking at herself in the mirror

"Ugh I look so old! My skin is sagging, my hair is turning gray, I've got crows feet..."
Her husband says, "well, at least your eyesight is intact."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61y48i/a_woman_is_looking_at_herself_in_the_mirror/
%
I could never cheat in a relationship

That would require 2 people to find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61y2cx/i_could_never_cheat_in_a_relationship/
%
A new £1 coin is being released in the UK today...

...I don't like change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61y2c2/a_new_1_coin_is_being_released_in_the_uk_today/
%
What computer can sing the song "Hello"?

A Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61y053/what_computer_can_sing_the_song_hello/
%
I really like European food...

...so I decided to Russia over to a European restaurant because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61xy2w/i_really_like_european_food/
%
I feel like I only meet people now using hookup apps

the last time I met a guy in real life
I was out drinking
He told me he was a cop
I found that out when he pulled me over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61xxsr/i_feel_like_i_only_meet_people_now_using_hookup/
%
Anyone who believes in climate change just believes whatever someone tells them to. They don't think for themselves.

I know that because Alex Jones told me so

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61xxqp/anyone_who_believes_in_climate_change_just/
%
My friend thinks the Canadian prime minister does not know quantum physics.

I know it's trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61xv3q/my_friend_thinks_the_canadian_prime_minister_does/
%
Video games let you live out your wildest fantasies.

For example sims gives you the chance to have a stable job and own your own home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61xuob/video_games_let_you_live_out_your_wildest/
%
A joke about alzheimers.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61xu6e/a_joke_about_alzheimers/
%
I lost all my money betting on horse races.

Turns out they can run WAY faster than I can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61xqc5/i_lost_all_my_money_betting_on_horse_races/
%
"Hey, did you get a haircut?"

"No, I got all of them cut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61xkwy/hey_did_you_get_a_haircut/
%
What do you call a letter from a feminist?

Hate male.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61xkvq/what_do_you_call_a_letter_from_a_feminist/
%
Why didn't the pig cross the road?

Becuase the chicken told him that everyone would make jokes out of him if he did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ximv/why_didnt_the_pig_cross_the_road/
%
After being forced to do sit ups for 4 hours straight

The man died of ab-use

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61xdv6/after_being_forced_to_do_sit_ups_for_4_hours/
%
What do Donald Trump and an Abortion have in common?

Neither make it full term.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61xd8a/what_do_donald_trump_and_an_abortion_have_in/
%
Gay guys might be fucking assholes...

But straight guys are fucking cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61xaa6/gay_guys_might_be_fucking_assholes/
%
There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat…

One day, the horse became very ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him to sleep."
Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.
The next day, the Vet gave him the medicine and left.
The goat approached the horse and said:
"Be strong, friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!"
On the second day,  the doc again gave him the medicine and left.
The goat came back and said: - "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up".
Let's go! One, two, three... but the poor horse wouldn't get up!
On the third day, the Vet gave one look at the horse and said:
"Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses."
After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on...... Fantastic! Run, run more!
Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!"
All of a sudden, the owner came back to the farm, saw the horse running on the field ... he was not aware of goats role in this. He began shouting: "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a Grand celebration...
Let's cook the goat!!!!"
Corporate Lesson:
'Whatever you do, always mark a Cc to your boss'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61x3ls/there_was_a_farmer_who_had_a_horse_and_a_goat/
%
My girlfriend is a physicist and today she told me she loved me to the moon and back

She then proceeded to inform me that love is a vector.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61x2u5/my_girlfriend_is_a_physicist_and_today_she_told/
%
When my boss asked me...

who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61wyrr/when_my_boss_asked_me/
%
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61wxu5/whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a_golf/
%
Why are orphans unable to play baseball?

They’ve never known what home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61wvjd/why_are_orphans_unable_to_play_baseball/
%
3 guys die after a Christmas party...

3 guys, after a night of drinking at an office Christmas party, get in their car to leave, only to get into a car crash a few moments later and die.  At the gate of heaven, the angel says "because it's Christmas, you can pass through this gate if you have something on you that symbolizes Christmas"...... so the driver of the vehicle...  pulls out his keys and shakes them around, the angel asks "what's that?", he says "my keys, they jingle, it symbolizes jingle bells". The angel reluctantly agrees to let him through. The next guy, he takes off his sock..  the angel asks "what's this?", the man says "stockings. My sock symbolizes stockings".... again, the angel, reluctantly agrees and let's him through. The next guy, stumbles up and with a big smile pulls out a bra.....  the angel looks at him confused and asks "now what's that?!"......  he looks up and yells "THEY'RE CAROLS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61wuog/3_guys_die_after_a_christmas_party/
%
Laughing at the law

A mafia boss had a deaf book keeper, hired because he would never overhear anything. One day the boss discovered that his trusty book keeper had been stealing from him for the better part of 30 years, totaling upwards of $18 million. He went to confront the book keeper about his missing money, taking along his personal lawyer, who happened to be fluent in in American Sign Language.
The mob boss barked at his lawyer, "Ask him where my money is!"
"Where's the money?" the lawyer signed.
The book keeper signed back, "I don't know what you're talking about."
"He says he doesn't know what your talking about," said the lawyer.
At that the mafioso took out a pistol. "Tell him I'll kill him if he doesn't come clean quick," he said.
The lawyer signed to the book keeper, "He says he'll kill you if you don't tell him right now."
Trembling, the book keeper signed back, "Okay! The money is in a black suitcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Gino's house."
"What did he say?" the mob boss asked the lawyer.
"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61wucp/laughing_at_the_law/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61wu64/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
My close friend is a drug dealer and he won't give me any in his stash.

What a lame ass pharmacist. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61wu33/my_close_friend_is_a_drug_dealer_and_he_wont_give/
%
What is it called when you rob a government official?

A refund!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61wszi/what_is_it_called_when_you_rob_a_government/
%
When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you're eating a watermelon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61wq56/when_do_you_go_on_red_and_stop_on_green/
%
Pessimist: "My life could not get any worse"

Optimist: "Oh sure it can"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61wnn6/pessimist_my_life_could_not_get_any_worse/
%
What did the pants say to the belt?

Don't let me down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61whfa/what_did_the_pants_say_to_the_belt/
%
Bill Clinton is showing a new female intern around the White House

They finally reach the doors of the oval office and Bill asks her, "Want to go into the oval office and see the presidential clock?"
The intern, hesitating, says, "Well, Mr. President, seeing all the stuff that has been happening with you, I don't know if that is a good idea or not."
Bill tells her, "C'mon, what harm can be done. It is only a clock."
The intern finally agrees. They both walk into the oval office and Bill suddenly drops his pants.
The intern yells, "That's not the presidential clock, that's the presidential cock!"
Bill then tells her, "Baby, once you put two hands and a face on it, it becomes a presidential clock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61w6yn/bill_clinton_is_showing_a_new_female_intern/
%
If I ate beans and you ate beans how old would we be?

I'd be farty and you'd be farty too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61w4v2/if_i_ate_beans_and_you_ate_beans_how_old_would_we/
%
My daughter told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61w2ss/my_daughter_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
%
It's funny how saying "You're a bad girl!" to my wife turns her on....

But "You're a bad mom!" doesn't seem to work at all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61w1dh/its_funny_how_saying_youre_a_bad_girl_to_my_wife/
%
What did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons?

Hose A and Hose B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vz90/what_did_the_mexican_fire_chief_name_his_two_sons/
%
My wife was in a coma. The doctor says to me, "There's one way to wake her up, but its a little unconventional. You go in there and you have oral sex with her"

I said "By God".
He says "I've seen it work"
So i go in there, I'm in there about five minutes and i come out.
I say,  "Doc,  shes choking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vxfj/my_wife_was_in_a_coma_the_doctor_says_to_me/
%
What is a suicide bomber's biggest fear?

Dying alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vvvw/what_is_a_suicide_bombers_biggest_fear/
%
What do you say to a japanese-mexican

Konichijuan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vuqo/what_do_you_say_to_a_japanesemexican/
%
What do you call a cow touching its utters?

Beef stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vsj7/what_do_you_call_a_cow_touching_its_utters/
%
Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear! ...Next Day... (Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole! Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vseo/boy_ill_pay_you_10_bucks_to_climb_up_the_flagpole/
%
Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude

with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whos bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits and shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last priest Ralph.
Poor Ralph. While she danced he got a stiffy and his bell rang and flew off across the room. Embarrassed he ran and bent to pick it up, then all the bells rang!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vqzv/before_being_ordained_6_priests_had_to_stand_nude/
%
God wanted to take a vacation...

...so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "what about Earth?"
"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vo3n/god_wanted_to_take_a_vacation/
%
A priest, a child molester, and a rapist walk into a bar...

He sits down and has a drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vnsc/a_priest_a_child_molester_and_a_rapist_walk_into/
%
A man and his wife had a sex on a regular basis.

hahaha i'm sorry.. I just can't say that with a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vm7x/a_man_and_his_wife_had_a_sex_on_a_regular_basis/
%
Yo mama is so fat

She stays really warm in the cold. So she usually lends me her jackets in the winter.
What a nice person :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vlmu/yo_mama_is_so_fat/
%
What would you call Bigfoot if he were female?

Snatchsquatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vjbr/what_would_you_call_bigfoot_if_he_were_female/
%
I was in Georgia one time

I saw a sign on the side of the road that said *All Flavors of Georgia Peaches*. I thought "I might as well see what this is" and pulled into the ranch.
I walked up to the man in the ranch house and asked him what this was all about. He replied, "I have every flavor of peach you could think of".
I asked if he had strawberry, he reached into a bucket behind him and pulled out a peach and gave it to me. I tried it, it was the best strawberry I'd ever had. I asked if he had coconut, he reached into a bucket and pulled out another peach. I tried it, it was a delicious coconut flavor. I asked if he had peanut butter and jelly, he reached into a bucket and pulled out another peach. I tried it and it was the creamiest peanut butter ever, he said "turn it around" and I did and it was the sweetest jelly ever. I said "well, do you have pussy?" He reached in a bucket and pulled out a peach and handed it to me. I tried it and I said "this tastes like shit". He said "turn it around".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vg9r/i_was_in_georgia_one_time/
%
One of my buddies...

One of my buddies told me that I often make people feel uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vfav/one_of_my_buddies/
%
What class does Tumblr hate the most?

Biology 😉

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61veyp/what_class_does_tumblr_hate_the_most/
%
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

One snatches watches...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vduy/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
%
What does a myopic gynaecologist have in common with a puppy?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61vbuo/what_does_a_myopic_gynaecologist_have_in_common/
%
A Rastaman with a bag full of marijuana walks into a bank...

and hands it to a cashier. The angry cashier asks 'Sir, what is this...?' The rasta replies "Wa yah ask foolish question, mi come to open a joint account!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61v5h7/a_rastaman_with_a_bag_full_of_marijuana_walks/
%
What is your favourite alphabet?

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61uyh4/what_is_your_favourite_alphabet/
%
Some people believe you can talk to the dead. Some people believe you can't.

But all of them agree I shouldn't have tried to do it at the funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61uxp0/some_people_believe_you_can_talk_to_the_dead_some/
%
Do you know why no one ever wants to hear a joke about Jim Jones?

The punchline is too long!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61uvxf/do_you_know_why_no_one_ever_wants_to_hear_a_joke/
%
Who has freed more black people than Abraham Lincoln?

Maury

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61utbh/who_has_freed_more_black_people_than_abraham/
%
How do you talk with dead Italians?

Use a Luigi board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61uqx6/how_do_you_talk_with_dead_italians/
%
Procrastinators Unite!

Tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61uq6n/procrastinators_unite/
%
Reconstructive surgery

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.  The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You'll walk again and everything. However, your penis was severed in the accident, and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."  The man perks up.  "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."   The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day and asks if the man has spoken with his wife.
"Yes, I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes she has," says the man, "We're getting granite counter tops."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61upoi/reconstructive_surgery/
%
A blind man walks into a bar.

Then into a chair, then into a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61up01/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

Reintarnation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61unno/what_is_it_called_when_you_die_and_come_back_as_a/
%
I tried to make up a new color today

It turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61un3x/i_tried_to_make_up_a_new_color_today/
%
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job...

after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood it was time to retire.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. = At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words, " he said, "but what’s the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast ... that was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61um92/it_was_george_the_mailmans_last_day_on_the_job/
%
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of ...

... boobs are there?
"The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?" the son asks.
"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriates his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks,
"Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says,
"Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ueox/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table_the_son_asks_the/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad that I finally had to take away his bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ucwn/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
A guy uses a urinal

And the urinal next to him is occupied by a black man. He notices that on the black man's penis has a tattoo of the letters 'w' and 'y'. The man has the same tattoo. So the man tells the black man,"i see you have a tattoo similar to mine, but when my penis is erect it says my girlfriend's name 'Wendy', what does yours say?"
The black man replied,"mine says 'Welcome to the republic of the congo, have a nice day.'"
Credit: u/simplesword

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ucmk/a_guy_uses_a_urinal/
%
Girl about to jump of a bridge.....

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity. He asked “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a blow job?” So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow blow job.
After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best blow job I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ucar/girl_about_to_jump_of_a_bridge/
%
A guy is walking along a beach when he stubs his toe on a golden lamp...

..chuckling to himself he picks it up and gives it a rub. Fwoosh, out pops this enormous genie.
"I am the Genie of the Lamp!" he booms, "I will grant you a single wish for releasing me!"
"Wow! I know exactly what I'd like to wish for," exclaims our hero. "I've always wanted to visit Disney World but I live in England. The problem is I'm afraid of flying and travelling by boat makes me feel sick so... I wish for a bridge from here to Florida so I can drive there!"
The genie leans back and laughs heartily.
"A bridge from here to Florida! You must be joking! The logistics alone boggle the mind. You're talking about pillars of concrete hundreds of feet tall carrying 6 lanes of highway with a length of over 4000 miles and, more to the point, people are going to question where this structure came from. I'd be kicked out of the Genie Lounge! No, sorry pal, you're going to have to come up with something realistic."
The guy rubs his chin and thinks for a moment. "Well, the reason I'm out here is because I've just had a big argument with my girlfriend. So... I wish to understand women - to really know what makes them tick."
"You want lights on that bridge, mate?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ubuj/a_guy_is_walking_along_a_beach_when_he_stubs_his/
%
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Because, it's pointless!
*snicker* *snicker*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61u8zq/why_shouldnt_you_write_with_a_broken_pencil/
%
What do you call a MtF dinosaur?

... a Tranny-saurus Rex
(Not sure if this joke is PC or not)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61u04l/what_do_you_call_a_mtf_dinosaur/
%
Two midgets got into an altercation.

Don't worry, it was a short fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tyr9/two_midgets_got_into_an_altercation/
%
What's more dangerous than running with the scissors?

Scissoring with the runs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ty7x/whats_more_dangerous_than_running_with_the/
%
Why did the ghost cross the road?

To get to the ***other side***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tt68/why_did_the_ghost_cross_the_road/
%
Yo momma so heavy

She make memory foam forget!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tp2b/yo_momma_so_heavy/
%
Click here to find out what kind of a motherfucker you are

You are a curious motherfucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tkph/click_here_to_find_out_what_kind_of_a/
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What goes "ooooooooo"?

A cow with no lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tkg6/what_goes_ooooooooo/
%
Last night I took the bus home when a midget came and sat next to me...

After a few minutes the bus stopped rather fast and he slid off his seat. I quickly grabbed him by the arm and put him back on his seat. A little while later, he slid off his seat, again. I was able to grab him quickly and help him back to his seat once more. So we move along and AGAIN he goes sliding off his seat. This time I grabbed him and said
"Jesus! Are you going to keep sliding off your goddam seat?" to which he replied
"Fuck off you silly cunt- I've been trying to get off at the last 3 stops and you won't let me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tk5f/last_night_i_took_the_bus_home_when_a_midget_came/
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What is the difference between a Conservative Jewish wedding, an Orthodox Jewish wedding, and a Reform Jewish wedding?

At a Conservative wedding the bride is pregnant.
At an Orthodox wedding the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a Reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tgit/what_is_the_difference_between_a_conservative/
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Guy 1: "Hey, when's Tuberculosis day?"

Guy 2: "Dunno, it's still TBD."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tgid/guy_1_hey_whens_tuberculosis_day/
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How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tghr/how_do_mathematicians_scold_their_children/
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What do an aggressive teddy bear and this joke have in common?

The punch is pretty weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tfpp/what_do_an_aggressive_teddy_bear_and_this_joke/
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What do a cigarette and cunnilingus have in common?

The closer you get to the butt, the stronger the taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tf6z/what_do_a_cigarette_and_cunnilingus_have_in_common/
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Miracle cure

A plumber, a violinist, an astronomer and a redneck*, all suffering from various infirmities, were sitting in a convalescent home when suddenly an angel appeared.  The angel spoke to them:
"I have come to give you the gift of health! Mr. Plumber, what is your ailment?"
The plumber answered, "I'm nearly crippled with arthritis. I'd give anything to be able to move freely and go back to my profession."
The angel snapped her fingers: "You're healed; go and thrive!" And the plumber ran off, rejoicing.
Then she spoke to the violinist: "What is your ailment?"
The violinist said, "I have a horrible case of tinnitus. If only this ringing in my ears would stop, I could rejoin my chamber orchestra."
The angel snapped her fingers: "You're healed; go and thrive!" And the violinist ran off, rejoicing.
Next up was the astronomer. "What is your ailment?"
The astronomer answered, "My vision has failed from years of peering into telescopes at faint stars.  It's such an exciting time in my profession; I wish I could contribute again."
The angel snapped her fingers: "You're healed; go and thrive!" And the astronomer ran off, rejoicing.
Finally, the angel turned to the redneck. "And friend, what is your ailment."
"Get away from me!" the redneck shouted, backing away hurriedly. "I'm on full disability!"
(*You can substitute the out-group of your choice.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tcoi/miracle_cure/
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What happens to a frog's car when it break down?

It gets toad away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tbs4/what_happens_to_a_frogs_car_when_it_break_down/
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What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?

There is one less drunk at an Australian funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tbmq/what_is_the_difference_between_an_australian/
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Did you know a girl can make you a millionaire?

Only if you're a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tbeo/did_you_know_a_girl_can_make_you_a_millionaire/
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How many terrorists does it take to paint a house?

It depends on the force of the explosives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tb9j/how_many_terrorists_does_it_take_to_paint_a_house/
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My friend says he has the body of a Greek God...

I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61tb9d/my_friend_says_he_has_the_body_of_a_greek_god/
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Whats a feminist's favorite subject in school?

Trigonometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61t7ow/whats_a_feminists_favorite_subject_in_school/
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I like playing chess with bald people in the park

The problem is, it's kinda hard to find 32 of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61t6sz/i_like_playing_chess_with_bald_people_in_the_park/
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*Creating password*

"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
^Edited ^for ^better ^understanding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61t6ph/creating_password/
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Three men were out fishing in the ocean

Then this huge storm come and sweeps them way offshore. After a few days stranded, they spot an island and start paddling towards it with their hands. They get on the island thinking it's uninhabited but quickly find that it is inhabited by cannabils. They couldn't outrun the cannibals (who were full from a fat guy they ate recently) and caught the 3 men fairly quickly. The cannibals take the three men (let's call them bob,tom,and joe) to the cannibal king. The king tells the men "each of you must go get 10 of the same fruit, I don't want one of you bringing me 2 of something and 8 of another." Well they wet off and Tom comes back with ten apples. King says" now I want you to stick all those apples up your asshole without any facial expression or noise, if you do we will kill you and eat you." Poor Tom gets to his 6th apple and starts screaming in ectruciating pain,and gets his head chopped off. Then Joe comes back with strawberries and given the same instuctions. He gets on his 10th one,almost sticking the last one up there and starts laughing histericaly, king counted this as noise and killed him. Then Tom and Joe meet in heaven and Tom screams" dude, why the fuck did you start laughing,you could have escaped." Joe says "I'm sorry I couldn't help it when i saw bob coming back with PINEAPPLES."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61t6lo/three_men_were_out_fishing_in_the_ocean/
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Studies show liberals are less susceptible to 'fake news'

I read it on Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61t68m/studies_show_liberals_are_less_susceptible_to/
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A duke is summoned to meet with the king.

He arrives to find only the king and his trusted adviser Reginald.
Reginald turns to the duke and begins trying to convince him to murder the king.
The king is shocked and exclaims the to duke "Who's side are you on?"
The Duke replies "Reggie's side."
AN: As far as I know I came up with his joke at a summer camp in college. Will be very disappointed if it turns out to be a repost. Also, you can tell a very similar joke with a father, son, and their friend Perry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61t5qb/a_duke_is_summoned_to_meet_with_the_king/
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The German dream

The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61t4xe/the_german_dream/
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C, Eb, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61t30k/c_eb_and_g_walk_into_a_bar/
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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61t1vh/3_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/
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My doctor asked how many sexual partners I've had over the last year.

I said, "Just one, but don't tell my wife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61t1tl/my_doctor_asked_how_many_sexual_partners_ive_had/
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I don't know why everybody says Gaston is stupid.

I mean, he won the No Belle Prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61sye7/i_dont_know_why_everybody_says_gaston_is_stupid/
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I was gonna write a story about Swiss cheese

But the plot had too many holes in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61sxv9/i_was_gonna_write_a_story_about_swiss_cheese/
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Is Google a Male or Female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61sw69/is_google_a_male_or_female/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He lies awake all night wondering if there is a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61stic/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
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Which part of a hospital will you never get lost in?

The ICU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61st81/which_part_of_a_hospital_will_you_never_get_lost/
%
What do you call an Arabian man flying a plane?

A pilot you racist twat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ssaz/what_do_you_call_an_arabian_man_flying_a_plane/
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Is that you Hans?

During World War 1, the British were under heavy sniper fire in the trenches, making advancing through territory very difficult without taking many casualties.
So, the British soldiers discussed how to take out the sniper: "How do we make that darn sniper come out of his nest?" Said one. "I have an idea! Maybe we could call out a very common German name and get him to stick his head out!"
Since Hans is a very common German name, they decide to call it out.
"Hans? Haaaaaannsss?"
"Ya?"
Bang! The sniper was shot dead.
The British soldiers advance rapidly, using their technique to effectively take over the previously sniper infested area.
The Germans quickly figured out their trick and attempted to copy it with a British name.
"Hmmm Wat is a common British name?"
"How about Paddy? Like Paddington"
"Oh Ja Ja! Good name!"
So, the Germans started calling out the name:
"Padyy! Paddyyyy!!!!"
**Dead silence**
"Paddyyyy!"
Suddenly, someone answered​:
"Ummmm... Paddy isn't here... But is that you Hans?"
"Ja!"
**BANG**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61sp46/is_that_you_hans/
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Two friends went on a hike...

when suddenly one of the friends needed to go pee.
While he was peeing a snake jumped out and bit the guy on the penis. He called his friend to come and help.
They two friends did not know what to do so they called 911.
The 911 dispatcher explained that the helicopter was on its way to their location but if he wanted for his friend to survive he needed to suck out the venom, the guy said I understand and hanged up the phone.
They guy who was bitten asked, "What did they say?"
And the friend replied, "They said you are going to die."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61smbn/two_friends_went_on_a_hike/
%
Father and son go on a kayaking tour

When they get home Mom notices he has a swollen black eye.
Mom: "Omg, what happened to your eye?"
Son: "There was a huge mosquito in the kayak"
Mom: "Did he bite you?"
Son: "Nope, Dad killed it with the paddle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61sl87/father_and_son_go_on_a_kayaking_tour/
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Where do terrorists go for a drink?

Allahu-Ak bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61sku6/where_do_terrorists_go_for_a_drink/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Don't bother calling it, it won't come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61siua/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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My teacher asked me to write about a time I took a risk in life.

Apparently cocaine isn't a valid answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61sh70/my_teacher_asked_me_to_write_about_a_time_i_took/
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Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61sga4/just_asked_siri/
%
What's white and can't climb a tree?

A fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61sg5c/whats_white_and_cant_climb_a_tree/
%
What's the best drug to have sex on

Birth control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61sfm1/whats_the_best_drug_to_have_sex_on/
%
An international conference was being held..

In which USA, North Korea, Europe and Africa were taking part.
The judge said,"I would like to hear your opinions about shortage of food in the rest of the world, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask us".
African president asked, "What is food?".
Europe asked, "What is Short?".
USA asked, "What is the rest of the world?".
North Korea asked, "What is Opinion?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61sc6w/an_international_conference_was_being_held/
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The hillbilly's nagging wife.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.
He tried to plough a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.
Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61sbkv/the_hillbillys_nagging_wife/
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Today a man knocked on my door...

and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61s8bv/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door/
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A Chinese couple are in bed

The husband says, "Can we do 69?"
The wife gets up and starts making him beef with broccoli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61s88k/a_chinese_couple_are_in_bed/
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How many Donald Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. He holds the bulb and the whole world revolves around him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61s7xv/how_many_donald_trumps_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What does a nosey pepper do?

Get jalapeño business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61s7oo/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
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Aquaman plays the piano for two days straight.

Most of the audience had left by that point but, a single talent agent walked up and asked, "How the hell did you do that?"
Aquaman pressed a key and replied, "I get my powers from the C."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61s7c0/aquaman_plays_the_piano_for_two_days_straight/
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The blonde girl panicked when she got stuck inside her car as her doors wouldn't open.

She quickly dialed 911 and cried, "I'm in the Orlando Mall parking lot, my doors won't open and its getting to be a hot day!"
The dispatcher sent a squad car and soon the police were searching about the parking lot looking for her car.
The operator asked, "The officer wants to know what kind of car you are stuck in."
The blonde replied, "It's a convertible."
The operator said, "I'd imagine there are many convertibles in that lot, which one are you?"
Exasperated, the blonde shouted, "The one with the top down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61s6en/the_blonde_girl_panicked_when_she_got_stuck/
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What did one foot say to the other?

I love shoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61s6d4/what_did_one_foot_say_to_the_other/
%
I'm a Sikh and tired of being called a Muslim.

We're the 7-ELEVEN guys not the 9/11 guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61s5cd/im_a_sikh_and_tired_of_being_called_a_muslim/
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What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked?

That hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61s4za/what_did_the_electrical_engineer_say_when_he_got/
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If I killed all of your friends.

I still wouldn't be a murderer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61s4ao/if_i_killed_all_of_your_friends/
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Three explores in Africa are captured by a local tribe...

They're taken to the tribal chief, who tells them that they have trespassed on sacred tribal lands and says, "For your punishment, you must choose death or bongo!"
Well, the first explorer thinks to himself "I don't know what bongo is, but it can't be worse than death". So he says "I choose bongo".
So, all the tribesmen take turns raping him. Seriously, the pass him around like a crack whore. They truly bugger him senseless.
The second explorer watches this horrific gang rape but thinks "At least it's not death". So, the tribesmen take their turns on him too. It makes prison rape look like a casual flirtation.
The third explorer thinks "My honour as a man must remain intact" and says "I choose death!"
The chief says "Okay, then. DEATH BY BONGO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61s35w/three_explores_in_africa_are_captured_by_a_local/
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What's the Russian word for no Wi-Fi?

Interniet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61s2ke/whats_the_russian_word_for_no_wifi/
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A cow becomes evil and then laughs

MOOhahahahhaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61s2jh/a_cow_becomes_evil_and_then_laughs/
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All the organs have a debate about who should be in charge...

The brain said: *I should be in charge, I control all the parts and think for everyone!*
The legs said: *I should be in charge. I carry everyone around and get them to where they want to go.*
All the other organs continued with similar claims as to why they should be in charge. The heart, the lungs, the hands, the eyes etc.
Finally the asshole spoke up and said it should be in charge.
All the other organs laughed at the asshole, telling it how absurd it was to have an asshole for a boss.
The asshole felt extremely insulted, and puckered hard enough to make diamonds, refusing to function at all.
Since the asshole puckered so hard and refused to let go, the brain soon became fevered, the eyes crossed, the legs weak, the hands limb, even the heart and lungs had trouble doing their job.
In the end all the organs begged the brain to please allow the asshole to be in charge, and thats how it ended up.
Now all the different organs had to work all day, while the asshole in charge just sat around doing shit.
Moral: To be in charge you dont have to be a genius, just an asshole.
Credit: /u/iBendUover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61s1lt/all_the_organs_have_a_debate_about_who_should_be/
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Abortion clinics should be banned

Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61rzhd/abortion_clinics_should_be_banned/
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[NSFW] A priest and a nun were crossing through the Sahara..

A Priest and a Nun were crossing the Sahara desert. As they were crossing, their camel suddenly dropped to the ground, dead.
After dusting themselves off, the Priest and the Nun surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "Well, sister, things don't look too good."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
The Father agrees. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do a favour for me?"
‘Anything, Father.’
"I have never seen the breast of a woman and I was wondering if I might see yours?"
"Well, under the circumstances I don’t see how that would do any harm."
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man’s penis. May I see yours?"'
"I suppose that would be OK." the Priest replied. He proceeded to lift his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting an erection.
"Sister, did you know that if I put my penis in the right place, it can give life?"
"Is that really true, Father?"
"Yes, it is."
"Then you'd better get started with that camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61rz4l/nsfw_a_priest_and_a_nun_were_crossing_through_the/
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Man, I am just sick and tired of gravity...

It's always bringing me down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61rywx/man_i_am_just_sick_and_tired_of_gravity/
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Using Tinder when you're horny is like going food shopping when you're hungry.

Both lead to unintended obesity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61rvl0/using_tinder_when_youre_horny_is_like_going_food/
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All in all...

...it was a good orgy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61rs3r/all_in_all/
%
I once hired a beggar for my business

I once owned a little cafe. This beggar always stands in front of my door. Out of the goodness of my heart, I hired him. I taught him how to use the power juicer. He could never get it right. And that's when it hit me. Beggars can't be juicers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61req3/i_once_hired_a_beggar_for_my_business/
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A man and woman had been married for 30 years.....

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!"
He said, "Explain the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61rd6a/a_man_and_woman_had_been_married_for_30_years/
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My wife told me to get a vasectomy to stop her from getting pregnant.

But it turns out it just made our baby black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ray9/my_wife_told_me_to_get_a_vasectomy_to_stop_her/
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A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.
The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61raxq/a_beautiful_women_is_standing_on_a_bridge/
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I'm the kind of friend who'd help you hide a body.

But if you betray me, I know how to hide a body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ra3i/im_the_kind_of_friend_whod_help_you_hide_a_body/
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I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper…

Now those days are behind me…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61r9n0/i_was_so_poor_growing_up_we_only_had_a_calendar/
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The 40 Year Old Virgin

A man grew up living a very sheltered life.  For 40 years he lived in his mother's house, working his way through college.  His mother's ambition was for him to become a doctor.  He applied to medical school but wasn't accepted and had to settle for dental school.
Finally, he graduated opened a practice, moved out of his mother's house and began to live an independent life.  After a few months, he met a beautiful woman at church, fell in love, and was engaged to be married.  His mother had always been jealous and protective and for a long time hadn't even let him date girls.  He told his finance that he was nervous about having sex for the first time.  For his mother's sake, he told her wanted to save himself until they were married.
The finance loved him and was understanding.  As much as she wanted to consummate their love, she would wait.  Finally, the day of their wedding arrived.  Although it was a beautiful ceremony, the bridegroom couldn't enjoy it.  All he could think of was how nervous he was about the wedding night.
That evening, his panic grew as he lay in bed in his pajamas, waiting while his bride dressed in the bathroom.  Finally, she emerged from the bathroom looking absolutely beautiful, wearing make up and a sheer negligee.  The bridegroom's panic became even more unbearable as his wife approached the bed.  She saw his nervousness and asked what was wrong -- isn't this what he had waited for for so long?
The dentist began to cry.  Unable to hold back, he finally confessed:  "My mother always warned me about women.  She said that I should never have sex because the sharp teeth that women have "down there" would bite off my penis."
His bride was shocked.  She said, "How could your mother say that?  It's not true!"  The bridegroom said, "I know my mother wouldn't lie to me.  I'm so afraid!"  His wife said, "Oh honey, I love you so much.  Let me prove to you that it's not true.  There is nothing to worry about.  Here, let me lie on the bed.  I'll spread my legs and you can look and see that there are no teeth down there.  It's a terrible lie!"
Finally, after some persuading, her husband agreed.  He crawled down under the covers.  His wife spread her legs, and he looked closely, seeing a vagina for the first time.  After about ten minutes, the husband emerged from under the covers shaking his head.  His wife put her hand under his chin and made him look into her eyes.  "Oh honey," she said, "now you see, there was nothing to worry about.  There are no teeth down there."   Her husband looked her in the eyes, shook his head, and said, "And with the condition of those gums it's no wonder!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61r7rn/the_40_year_old_virgin/
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My sister had a boob reduction because she said she was sick of all the snide comments

To be fair she did look weird with three ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61r7dp/my_sister_had_a_boob_reduction_because_she_said/
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George's girlfriend says a small penis doesn't have to get in the way of a good sex life

Still, George wishes "she" didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61r7av/georges_girlfriend_says_a_small_penis_doesnt_have/
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I just ended a five year relationship.......

I'm fine though, it wasn't mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61r3fo/i_just_ended_a_five_year_relationship/
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Dear Fox News.....

I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely, Disappointed viewer.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61r26g/dear_fox_news/
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The stories on /r/Jokes are just like big boobs...

They're mostly fake, but I still enjoy them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61r198/the_stories_on_rjokes_are_just_like_big_boobs/
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Beer is like the Sun

It rises in the yeast, and sets in the Waist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61qzsj/beer_is_like_the_sun/
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What did the court say about the sexual assault of a pope on a 14 yo girl?

"Eh, it's just a minor problem"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61qznm/what_did_the_court_say_about_the_sexual_assault/
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Wearing crocs is like getting your dick sucked by a man

It feels good but then you look down and realise you are gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61qupk/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_your_dick_sucked_by/
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50 greyish shades.......

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . .  she let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted . . . . :
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .
You do it . . . . !!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61qjew/50_greyish_shades/
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Cannibals

There was an Italian, a Brit and an American who all got stuck on an island. When searching this island they ran into a local native population who happened to be cannibals. The cannibals captured them and said "here's how it goes. We're going to kill you, skin you and eat you. Then dry your hides and turn them into canoes. If you want to die in honor for your country you may choose your way of death and execute yourself."    The Italian took a knife and yelled "Viva l'Italia" then slit his throat. The Brit took a knife and yelled "God save the queen" then slit his throat.   The American asked for a fork. The cannibals were puzzled but brought him one. He then took the fork and started stabbing himself as he yelled "fuck your canoes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61qhua/cannibals/
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You know, I've always stood up for black people...

It's not really worth getting stabbed over a seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61qh8h/you_know_ive_always_stood_up_for_black_people/
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What do you call your best short friends?

Your gnomies !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61qgpa/what_do_you_call_your_best_short_friends/
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Texas Sheriff's Exam

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.
He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang.  He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally  called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
* six illegal aliens
* six ambulance-chasing lawyers
* six meth dealers
* six Muslim extremists
* six Democrats
* and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
I LOVE TEXAS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61qfmc/texas_sheriffs_exam/
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Wanna know how I got to the Middle East?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61qeyy/wanna_know_how_i_got_to_the_middle_east/
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How to call a dog without legs?

Doesn't matter, he won't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61qeqb/how_to_call_a_dog_without_legs/
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I was in a first-grade class, and I saw a cute girl.

I asked the girl out, but then I got kicked out of the school.
I am never allowed to teach there again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61q712/i_was_in_a_firstgrade_class_and_i_saw_a_cute_girl/
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The first time out with my metal detector I found a beautiful wedding ring!!

But the bride was still wearing it, so the police came and now they won't give it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61q5u5/the_first_time_out_with_my_metal_detector_i_found/
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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him..

So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her.
By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home.
So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61q50f/a_guy_thought_his_wife_was_cheating_on_him/
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Three girls sit at a bar bragging about how loose they are.

The first says she can fit a sausage. The second says a cucumber. The third starts to slide down the bar stool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61q0gp/three_girls_sit_at_a_bar_bragging_about_how_loose/
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I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants

Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61q03e/i_think_americans_are_right_to_worry_about/
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Any good knock knock jokes for little ones?

I know I'm supposed to have a joke here but my 3 year old is obsessed with knock knock jokes lately and I'm out. Help a dad out here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61pykg/any_good_knock_knock_jokes_for_little_ones/
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The truth about oil drilling

The system is rigged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ptdz/the_truth_about_oil_drilling/
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I called the paranoia society hotline this morning…

The operator answered and said, "How did you get this number?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61pswb/i_called_the_paranoia_society_hotline_this_morning/
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Doctor: Ok let's start with the good news

Doctor: Your son will always find an available parking slot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61psu5/doctor_ok_lets_start_with_the_good_news/
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Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ps1i/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
Mike Tyson had something to tell me...

So I lent him an ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61prxu/mike_tyson_had_something_to_tell_me/
%
Knock... knock...

Who's there?
Cows say.
Cows say who?
No, cows say moo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61pqyq/knock_knock/
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What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cucumber, you sick bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ppyw/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,“You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”
”NAH,”  he replied, “I'm just a shitty golfer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61pnox/during_his_physical_the_doctor_asked_the_patient/
%
What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend?

Religious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61pmf5/what_do_you_call_an_adult_with_an_imaginary_friend/
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What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?

A ther-mom-meter
From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61plk5/what_device_is_best_to_measure_a_mothers/
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My wife was pro-life

Until I got my girlfriend pregnant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61pkl9/my_wife_was_prolife/
%
Relationships are a lot like...

algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61pjsj/relationships_are_a_lot_like/
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What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down stairs?

A Condescending Con Descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61pjea/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_walking_down/
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America Wants You!

In Soviet Russia, you want America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61pe83/america_wants_you/
%
Trump and Hillary walk into a bar...

It'd been set pretty low. (See: /r/jokes since the election ended.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61pbdi/trump_and_hillary_walk_into_a_bar/
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In America, you can always find a party.

In Russia, the Party can always find you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61pame/in_america_you_can_always_find_a_party/
%
What did Donald Trump replace Obama Care with?

Don.T. Care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61p2y4/what_did_donald_trump_replace_obama_care_with/
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What do you call 8 hobbits?

A hobbyte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61p2du/what_do_you_call_8_hobbits/
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My 70 year old grandpa told me this one the other

A native American boy goes up to his father and asks.
"Father how do you come up with our names?"
The father replies "Well the morning  your sister was born we looked outside and there was a lark in the grass so we named her Morning Lark"
The boy replies "Okay well how about my brother?"
The father says "When your brother was born we looked outside and saw a deer run through the grounds so we named him Running Deer"
The father puzzled asks "Why are you so interested Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61p1ox/my_70_year_old_grandpa_told_me_this_one_the_other/
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Where do shrimp go to buy cheap things ?

A prawn shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61p1hu/where_do_shrimp_go_to_buy_cheap_things/
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Man walks into the kitchen with a duck under his arm

Says 'here's this pig I've been fuckin...'
His wife turns around and says 'eh, that's not a pig, that's a duck...'
He says 'I wasn't talking to you.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61oyg9/man_walks_into_the_kitchen_with_a_duck_under_his/
%
Why is the ocean salty?

Because the land never waves back
(I apologize greatly if this had been posted before)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61owaq/why_is_the_ocean_salty/
%
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting...

of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The Frenchman says,"They must be French; they're naked and they're eating fruit."The Englishman says,"Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the woman is offering fruit to the man." The Russian replies,"No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in paradise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ovp8/a_frenchman_an_englishman_and_a_soviet_russian/
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I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking

Or “crying” as she calls it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61otsq/i_went_into_the_kitchen_this_morning_and_noticed/
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My wife is leaving me because my stories never make any sense...

And that's how I saved Christmas...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61otpd/my_wife_is_leaving_me_because_my_stories_never/
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A happy little bird

A little bird were flying to the South to scape the winter, however, he was too slow and cold wind reached him and froze his wings.
He tried to keep flying but his wings got so heavy with the ice that he fell on the grass.
A cow was on the field having her lunch when she saw the frozen bird lying on the ground.
She approached him sniffed his little body and then pooped on him.
The little bird felt his body getting warmer, the ice melted due to the hot poop and he recovered his strength, he was still stuck on the poop tho, but it didn't hold him to fill his little lungs and start singing a joyful sing.
A cat was sleeping under a tree nearby and he was awaken by the bird singing.
He stood up, went to the pile of shit, dug on it until he finds the little bird.
Then, the cat cleaned all the shit from the bird and ate him.
Moral of the story:
Not everyone who poops on you wants to jeopardize you, and not everyone who takes you out of the shit wants your well being.
Yet: when you are too happy, remind to keep your mouth shut. Not everybody likes to hear about your happiness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61osqd/a_happy_little_bird/
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What do feminists breathe?

Oxxgen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61osph/what_do_feminists_breathe/
%
You know what I find odd?

Every other number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61oqq3/you_know_what_i_find_odd/
%
I took a kleptomania exam.

It wasn't mine, but I took it anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61opwa/i_took_a_kleptomania_exam/
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I can tell my new sex toy was made in china.

She speaks chinese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61omez/i_can_tell_my_new_sex_toy_was_made_in_china/
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Who are a necrophiliac's favourite band?

Coldplay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61oix6/who_are_a_necrophiliacs_favourite_band/
%
My sister got set up for a blind date

My dad said "Thank goodness he's blind, that way he doesn't have to see your face!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ogzn/my_sister_got_set_up_for_a_blind_date/
%
A guy kept calling me sister

I was having nun of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ofzp/a_guy_kept_calling_me_sister/
%
What do you call a sad coffee?

Depresso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61oeyz/what_do_you_call_a_sad_coffee/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

... with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued." The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?" The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61oal0/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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[Dirty] A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?"

the man asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20." "Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again. "Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?" "Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61o9j1/dirty_a_man_and_a_woman_meet_in_an_elevator_where/
%
During sex, I suddenly stopped and didn't move.

She was like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "Hush, I saw this on PornHub, it's called Buffering:"
You are all beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61o6yk/during_sex_i_suddenly_stopped_and_didnt_move/
%
Why should you never store meat on the top shelf of the freezer?

The steaks would be too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61o5w1/why_should_you_never_store_meat_on_the_top_shelf/
%
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,
We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:
1. Illegal Downloading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61o4r5/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
Success is a lot like pregnancy...

...everyone congratulates you, but they don't know how many times you got fucked to get there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61nspt/success_is_a_lot_like_pregnancy/
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What do you call a chef with a small penis?

Boner pètit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61nsg0/what_do_you_call_a_chef_with_a_small_penis/
%
I called the doctor this morning, "I think my back's broken"

"What makes you say that?"
"I've got a hunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61nop9/i_called_the_doctor_this_morning_i_think_my_backs/
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I had a threesome scheduled for last night.

There were a couple of noshows but I still had fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61noay/i_had_a_threesome_scheduled_for_last_night/
%
My family might be racist

When I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife yelled at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61nnpq/my_family_might_be_racist/
%
How many viola players does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - they can't reach that high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61nne5/how_many_viola_players_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61nivg/i_hear_they_are_putting_donald_trump_on_the_penny/
%
Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave

The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61nilx/today_i_went_to_a_barbers_shop_for_a_shave/
%
What kind of pussy is a priest into?

Nun..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61nhd2/what_kind_of_pussy_is_a_priest_into/
%
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine...

But Catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ned8/dogs_cant_operate_an_mri_machine/
%
Genie's Wish

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie replied.
"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61nbr6/genies_wish/
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I have this nagging feeling.

It starts right when I wake up, but it usually stops when she goes to bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61n9y4/i_have_this_nagging_feeling/
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Two Rastafarians go to the river in Egypt and one of them gets in and says "Ey, mon, me not get wet"; his friend replies

"Ya right, mon, you in denial"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61n9sg/two_rastafarians_go_to_the_river_in_egypt_and_one/
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Why do Canadians always do it doggy-style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61n8ae/why_do_canadians_always_do_it_doggystyle/
%
What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61n5di/whats_the_difference_between_a_bachelor_and_a/
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Where do muslims go when they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61n4i8/where_do_muslims_go_when_they_die/
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I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61n3qc/im_really_starting_to_hate_these_stupid_little/
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I am meeting with a private detective in one hour...

Can someone please tell me where Cognito is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61n2g1/i_am_meeting_with_a_private_detective_in_one_hour/
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Empire State Building

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so
intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You're a mean drunk, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61n0y7/empire_state_building/
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The daughter that sees the future!

A father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61mz4j/the_daughter_that_sees_the_future/
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Dave goes hunting in the woods by himself.

He comes across a small black bear drinking from a stream so he shoots and kills it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a large black bear.
"Hey Dave", says the bear. "You just killed my cousin, and now you have to pay for that"
The bear proceeds to scratch and maul Dave, and finally, sodomizes him.
Two days later, Dave gets out of the hospital, goes back into the woods, tracks down the offending bear and shoots him. He feels another tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see a huge brown bear.
"Hey Dave", says the brown bear. "You just shot my cousin. Now I have to punish you." The bear mauls and bites him and then sodomizes him.
Two weeks later, Dave gets out of the hospital and tracks down the brown bear. He shoots and kills it. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a massive grizzly bear.
"Dave, man...really?" The grizzly proceeds to maul and tear into Dave, then violently sodomizes him.
Two months later, Dave leaves the hospital, immediately goes to his truck, goes back in the woods and finds and shoots the Grizzly. He then feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around to see the biggest polar bear he has ever seen.
"C'mon Dave", says the polar bear. "Just admit it. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61mvuy/dave_goes_hunting_in_the_woods_by_himself/
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I once got a viagra stuck in my throat...

I had a stiff neck for days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61msj5/i_once_got_a_viagra_stuck_in_my_throat/
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A blonde woman was taking helicopter lessons.

The instructor said:
"I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her,
"What went wrong?"
The blonde said: "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ms8g/a_blonde_woman_was_taking_helicopter_lessons/
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An American, a Korean, a Chinese, and a Russian walk into a bar...

...they settled into their seats and when they had loosened up after a few drinks they decided to extol the virtues of their homelands.
"American industry is so superb," said the American.  "A sports team can decide to move to a different city, and within a year and a half we can build a state of the art stadium, waiting to be moved into!"
"Impressive," said the Korean, "But we are no slouches ourselves. Our auto factories can receive orders from dealerships all over the world, and within two months we will have container ships full of excellent and affordable automobiles on their way!"
"That's wonderful," said the Chinese, "But consider this: Several different smartphone manufacturers can send us huge orders for millions of phone parts to fit multiple specifications, and within ten days they are fabricated and ready to go!"
"Ha!" said the Russian. "I've got you all beat!  At 7:30am on a Monday, five busloads of workers can arrive on the construction site of a brand new brewery, and by 11:00am everyone is drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61mpdw/an_american_a_korean_a_chinese_and_a_russian_walk/
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Online dating is tough even for a 13 year old.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61mn4e/online_dating_is_tough_even_for_a_13_year_old/
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In Russia you watch tv

In America tv watches you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61mm0e/in_russia_you_watch_tv/
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What do you call the salad of an epileptic chef?

A seizure salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61mlug/what_do_you_call_the_salad_of_an_epileptic_chef/
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Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”
The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
-
The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”
-
“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
-
“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.
-
Poof once more – and he’s 90.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61mj1x/tom_and_anna_are_both_60_years_old_and_have_been/
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In my early 20s, I was a scumbag - no car, no house, no job. I lived at with my girlfriend's apartment, and sometimes I'd even borrow her car when I went out to cheat on her.

I say "borrow", but I didn't exactly ask her for permission.  She worked as a bank teller, so I'd simply wait till she fell asleep -- Then I'd sneak into the night.
When I returned, I'd adjust the seat, radio, and mirrors back how they were before.  The less questions, I figured, the better, but I grew less careful over time.
First, she complained that her AC settings were unreliable; I agreed, bemoaning the shoddy electronics in European cars.  Later, she started to swear her seat was never in *exactly* the same position; that was the first time I told her she was delusional.  She never brought up her seat position after that.
It worked so well that I kept at it.  She began to trust me more than she trusted herself; I could practically get away with anything.  Sometimes I would get home only seconds before the sound of her alarm.
Then one morning she went out to the car, came right back inside, and dragged me by the collar out of the apartment; I guess manipulation only goes so far.
As I sat on the curb and mulled it over, one thought crowded out the rest:  it was painfully likely that the gaslight was up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61mffy/in_my_early_20s_i_was_a_scumbag_no_car_no_house/
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If you have a problem, you should talk to a chemist.

They always have a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61mca9/if_you_have_a_problem_you_should_talk_to_a_chemist/
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What's the difference in ignorance and apathy

I don't know, and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61mc54/whats_the_difference_in_ignorance_and_apathy/
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Stop the Helen Keller jokes

you have to be really blind not to see what's wrong with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61mazw/stop_the_helen_keller_jokes/
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A man is busted for pot

So one day, a man is pulled over in what seems like a routine stop. When the officer gets to the car, he smells marijuana and the following exchange happens.
Officer: "do you have any pot on you?"
Man : "yes officer, but it's not my fault. I can't get rid of it."
Officer : "what do you mean?"
Man : "Well I keep trying to flush it down the toilet, but it keeps magically appearing back in my pocket. I can't get rid of it."
Officer : " let's see it then."
So the officer and the man drive to the nearest gas station where the man drops the bag of marijuana into the toilet and flushes it. After the toilet finishes flushing and it's clear that the weed is no longer there, the cop turns to the man and says "ok, let's see the marijuana."
Man : "What marijuana?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61masn/a_man_is_busted_for_pot/
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Would a feminist get triggered if you walked into a room full of feminists and said...

"Hey guys..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61man1/would_a_feminist_get_triggered_if_you_walked_into/
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Confessions

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61m9x2/confessions/
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Little Suzy wet herself in class one day..

The teacher asked "Why didn't you put your hand up?"  She said "I did! but it ran out through my fingers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61m7s0/little_suzy_wet_herself_in_class_one_day/
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The priest lost his cockerel one day

At mass, he asks
"Does anyone have a cock?" to which all the men stand up.
"No, that's not what I mean! Has anyone seen a cock?" to which all the women stand up.
"No no no! Gosh, has anyone seen a cock that isn't theirs?" and half the women stand up.
"God dammit! Alright, has anyone seen my cock?"
The nuns stand up.
Then the choir boys.
I don't know if this was up here recently or not. It's a joke I knew about for a while, and wanted to share none the less. Enjoy :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61m78e/the_priest_lost_his_cockerel_one_day/
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As of today, I am no longer a 20-year old virgin!

My dad is going to jail for sexual harassment, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61m76a/as_of_today_i_am_no_longer_a_20year_old_virgin/
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What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A mega-sore-ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61m5aa/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
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If you ask a cop what their favorite movie is they have to tell you.

Otherwise it's Entrapment (1999).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61m1np/if_you_ask_a_cop_what_their_favorite_movie_is/
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Bloody stupid joke.

Although I am a modern day vampire, I hate blood sausages.
They taste too irony, for my liking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ly6r/bloody_stupid_joke/
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They say dog is man's best friend. I don't believe that...

How many of your friends have you neutered?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ly6l/they_say_dog_is_mans_best_friend_i_dont_believe/
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Why can't you trust a gay doctor?

They never tell it to you straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61lxax/why_cant_you_trust_a_gay_doctor/
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Me and my German girlfriend were this game of ours.

She had to guess how many fingers I had up her pussy. I really must be a pro because I started with two fingers but she kept screaming "Nine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61lr2o/me_and_my_german_girlfriend_were_this_game_of_ours/
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My friend told me I make him feel uncomfortable because I violate his personal space...

It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61lq3z/my_friend_told_me_i_make_him_feel_uncomfortable/
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Wouldn't it be crazy if Jesus masturbated

Like Jesus fucking Christ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61lpfl/wouldnt_it_be_crazy_if_jesus_masturbated/
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What's a hacker's favourite brand of sportswear?

A D-DOS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61lnay/whats_a_hackers_favourite_brand_of_sportswear/
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Realistically VS Hypothetically

A boy asks his father for help with school, stating he needs to understand the difference between hypothetically and realistically.
"No problem son. First, go ask your sister if she would sleep with a random person for 1 million dollars."
Sister says of course she would!
"Now go ask your mother".
Same response.
"Now you see, son, hypothetically we're sitting on 2 million dollars. Realistically, we're living with a couple of whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ljbi/realistically_vs_hypothetically/
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What do iPhones eat for breakfast?

Siri-al
(My 7 year old's joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61lhkw/what_do_iphones_eat_for_breakfast/
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How do you get down from a horse?

You can't... You can only get down from a goose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61lgeq/how_do_you_get_down_from_a_horse/
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How does the sun get its hair cut?

'E clips it!!!
(My son told me that one. I'll be going now....)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61lg3t/how_does_the_sun_get_its_hair_cut/
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What's a pirate's favorite letter?

The P, without it he's irate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61lfyl/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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What dinosaur has the best teeth?

A flossiraptor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61lfh1/what_dinosaur_has_the_best_teeth/
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What's the difference between water and babies

You can't use a fork to pick up the water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61lcl5/whats_the_difference_between_water_and_babies/
%
My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?"

I said, "America."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61lc89/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_you_could_have_any/
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My best friend is a very chill guy

He's 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61l78e/my_best_friend_is_a_very_chill_guy/
%
Fishing is like boobs

Even the small ones are fun to play with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61l6fp/fishing_is_like_boobs/
%
Praise the Lord and pass me my walking shoes

The preacher laid his hands on my head and said, “Praise Jesus, today you will walk!”
"But... but I'm not paralyzed."
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”
The Hindu sadhu came and said "Beta, you will walk on your legs today."
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”
I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61l5ho/praise_the_lord_and_pass_me_my_walking_shoes/
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Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States

and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61l4xy/two_immigrants_from_africa_arrive_in_the_united/
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Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61l4db/helen_keller_once_described_a_cheese_grater_as/
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Paul wanted to marry Sophia.

Alas, Sophia preferred men six feet in height, and poor Paul was 9'. (Sophia had weird affinities for six-footers, don't ask me why.) He came to know from his magical friend John that there was a parrot in the middle of the forest who can make a person one foot shorter by saying "no".
Paul encountered the parrot and asked it, "Will you marry me?" The parrot, shocked, said, "no." Paul became 8 feet tall in an instant. Paul proposed to it a second time, and the parrot, annoyed, said "no."
Just one more time, Paul thought to himself. And she'll finally love me.
"Will you marry me?"
"You know what, your'e persistent. Alright, I'll marry you, how about that?"
Before Paul could recover from his shock, the parrot continued. "You guillible, deaf bastard, are you listening? If I say no, I mean no! No, no, no, no, no!"
And Paul was never heard from ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61l3hc/paul_wanted_to_marry_sophia/
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[Music] Two A's. An E and a C walk into a bar

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61l3gc/music_two_as_an_e_and_a_c_walk_into_a_bar/
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Life is like a box of chocolates...

Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61l2vd/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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You are what you eat...

...so that's why I'm basically a clone of my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61l2nl/you_are_what_you_eat/
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What do you get when you go to a bird doctor?

Tweetment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61l093/what_do_you_get_when_you_go_to_a_bird_doctor/
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The Art of Singing

One day little Oscar went to visit his grandparents in their new home.
Soon Oscar needed to use the bathroom, so he told his grandma:
"Granny, I really need to piss!"
His gram told him: "Oscar, that's a really naughty expression! Why don't you use a nicer word... like *singing*?"
Oscar nodded.
The following night Oscar had to pee again but he forgot where the bathroom was. So he woke his granddad and told him:
"Grandpa, I really need to... um... *sing*!"
His grandfather answered:
"Alright, alright... just do it quietly in my ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61l05u/the_art_of_singing/
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Why did the baker's hands smell?

He kneaded a poo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61kzrl/why_did_the_bakers_hands_smell/
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An economist, an accountant and a lawyer decided to gamble....

And that's how stock markets came into existence!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61kxdd/an_economist_an_accountant_and_a_lawyer_decided/
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No matter how quick you pull out..

..the ATM machine always beeps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61kx5o/no_matter_how_quick_you_pull_out/
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Did you hear about Shiela the hungry 32 year old?

She eight and eight and eight and eight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61kvv8/did_you_hear_about_shiela_the_hungry_32_year_old/
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What did the Spanish tourist say when he saw a prostitute after arriving in Pakistan?

Lahore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ktbe/what_did_the_spanish_tourist_say_when_he_saw_a/
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How do you get 500 cows into a barn?

Put a bingo sign on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ksta/how_do_you_get_500_cows_into_a_barn/
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What do you call a phallic potato?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ks7t/what_do_you_call_a_phallic_potato/
%
John wanted to kiss a princess, so he asked Paul for help.

Paul agreed, as long as they split the profits. Paul then made an itching powder and put it in the breakfast of the princess. When her mouth itched, Paul declared to the King that John had saliva that possessed healing powers. The King paid John to heal the princess, and John French-kissed the princess whole night. The day after, John refused to split the profits with Paul. So Paul put itching powder in the King's underwear. The King then called for John to heal him of his extremely itchy bottom. You know what happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61krgb/john_wanted_to_kiss_a_princess_so_he_asked_paul/
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I can never be consistent when I play sniper.

It's always a hit or miss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61kq4k/i_can_never_be_consistent_when_i_play_sniper/
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What does Joker do when he's not plotting or committing evil crimes?

He rides his Harley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61kngg/what_does_joker_do_when_hes_not_plotting_or/
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The flat Earth society

Has members all across the globe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61kkj2/the_flat_earth_society/
%
Why can't President Trump bring back hanging?

Because of all the fake noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61kkaq/why_cant_president_trump_bring_back_hanging/
%
Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw.

He died of dissin' Terry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61kjhi/some_guy_on_the_oregon_trail_makes_a_joke_at_the/
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R.I.P Boiled water

You will be mist...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61kglu/rip_boiled_water/
%
A girl goes to a date with a Jewish guy

They sit on a hill at night, looking at the stars. The guy seems very shy, and so they sit in silence.
Wanting to break the awkward silence, the girl says "A penny for your thoughts", the guy smiles and replies "Well... will you hug me?", she gets closer and he puts his arm around her.
A few minutes pass and once again, they sit in silence. The tries again: "A penny for your thoughts" the guy blushes and says "Well... will you kiss me?", the girl giggles and they kiss.
A good half-hour passes and once again, they sit in silence. The girl desperately wants the date to end well, so she says "A penny for your thoughts". The guy turns red and says "Well... this time my thoughts are way more serious...". Excited, they girl says "Tell me!"
The guy opens his hand and says: "Isn't it about time you give me those two pennies from earlier?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61kg81/a_girl_goes_to_a_date_with_a_jewish_guy/
%
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61kear/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_birth_control_and_lsd/
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What do they call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61k8u9/what_do_they_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Boss: Tell me about Suzanne.

Me: Ahhhh, the one that got away.
Boss: You're a zookeeper. None of them should get away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61k68g/boss_tell_me_about_suzanne/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill? - Running

Jk, Rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61k4v1/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill_running/
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Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.

This gives me hope for the next generation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61k4h9/jellyfish_have_survived_for_650_million_years/
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Don't worry about losing health care under the Trump administration

We won't need it after the EPA starts restricting oxygen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61k47g/dont_worry_about_losing_health_care_under_the/
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Why is it that when a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls, he is a player.

But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, I'm not one of them?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61k43y/why_is_it_that_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_a_bunch_of/
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Remember Billy Mays?

Some say he's up in heaven, partying like it's $19.99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61k39b/remember_billy_mays/
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Helen Keller...

Once described a cheese grater as "the most violent book I have ever read"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61k2xm/helen_keller/
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A blind person walks into a bar, picks up her guide dog by the leash and starts swinging it above her head.

The bartender asks what she's doing, and the blind girl responds: "I'm just looking around"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61k2oa/a_blind_person_walks_into_a_bar_picks_up_her/
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A pizza delivery guy walks into a bar

What? Did you think he was there to deliver pizza? Can't he want a drink once in a while?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61k05g/a_pizza_delivery_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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My Friend Told A Titanic Joke

It was ice cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jylu/my_friend_told_a_titanic_joke/
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I was going to tell you a tasteless chemistry joke

But all the good ones argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jyld/i_was_going_to_tell_you_a_tasteless_chemistry_joke/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jxrp/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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A drunk guy walks up to a cop on the street...

and says "Man, I think somebody stole my car."
The cop replies "Alright, where was it?"
"Well, it was right on the end of this key."
The cop says "How about you go down to the precinct and fill out a report, they'll get you set up and put everything in writing."
He says thanks and starts to walk off, and the cop stops him and says "Before you go, though, you should probably zip up your fly."
The guy says "oh man, they stole my girl too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jxbu/a_drunk_guy_walks_up_to_a_cop_on_the_street/
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Interview with a stage magician

* So, what do you do?
* I saw women in half.
* Do you have any family?
* Four half sisters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jwwo/interview_with_a_stage_magician/
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Parachute for sale [Price Drop]

Used once, never opened.  Slightly soiled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ju2e/parachute_for_sale_price_drop/
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Technical difficulties

I called tech support because something was wrong with my mouse. I was confident it was defective and i wasn't sure how to fix it.
I tell the tech support guy it's not responding to me pressing the button, and he sounds pretty annoyed. He tells me he's got bigger issues he's trying to help people with than a defective mouse. I ask him what I'm supposed to do, and before he hangs up he tells me "You'll figure it out. Think long and hard about it, and when *you* figure it out, it'll get fixed."
I sat there for a while, studying it and thinking about what could be wrong with it. And then..... it clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jszy/technical_difficulties/
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What did one ornithologist say to the other?

That's a nice tit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jrux/what_did_one_ornithologist_say_to_the_other/
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Friend: man, you got to help me. I hit a squirrel driving my car. I feel awful, what should I do?

Me: Why'd you let it drive your car in the first place?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jmgp/friend_man_you_got_to_help_me_i_hit_a_squirrel/
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All the organs were deciding who should be the boss....

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."
"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."
All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jl4p/all_the_organs_were_deciding_who_should_be_the/
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Why does isis wear robes?

Goats can hear a zipper a mile away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jh23/why_does_isis_wear_robes/
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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jgiw/my_wife_accused_me_of_hating_her_family_and/
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I've never been a superstitious man, but...

Last night, in my dream, I saw before my eyes a giant number '7'. I woke up at 7:00 am that morning, but that didn't phase me, that's when I always wake up. After going through my routine I notice that I'm 7 minutes ahead of schedule. Peculiar, but hardly supernatural. I hopped in my car and noticed that I had 7% left in the tank. At this point I was feeling pretty confident that today was my lucky day. So I decided to drive on over to the race track and place some bets. At the track I went to window #7 and asked the man in the window what the admission fee was, and he says it was $7.77.
I pay the fee, and take my ticket through gate 7 where I'm shown the form with all of the racers for the day. I see in the 7th race, there's a horse called "Lucky 7", and he pays 77-to-1. I knew today was my lucky day so I place a $700 bet on "Lucky 7". And wouldn't you believe it, he came in 7th place!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jeqt/ive_never_been_a_superstitious_man_but/
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Why are there no pigeons in North Korea?

They were heard saying "Coup....Coup".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jejv/why_are_there_no_pigeons_in_north_korea/
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You can't solve every problem with calculus

It has its limits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jedz/you_cant_solve_every_problem_with_calculus/
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Patient: What's the diagnosis, doctor?

Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jdyl/patient_whats_the_diagnosis_doctor/
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My wife has been keeping secrets from me.

I just built a fence and put down some paving.  Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61jcrt/my_wife_has_been_keeping_secrets_from_me/
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How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61j9ho/how_do_you_milk_sheep/
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I sleep like a baby at night.

Every 2 hours I wake up screaming and shit my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61j855/i_sleep_like_a_baby_at_night/
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Three Buddhist monks are at the gates of heaven....

trying to persuade St. Peter to let them in. Although his first reaction was to deny them entry, he decided to give them each a chance. They would gain entry upon telling him the story of Easter.
The first monk said, "Easter is a very happy time, a bearded fat man comes down a chimney and gives presents to all the children".
"I'm sorry, that's incorrect," said St. Peter.
The second monk approached St. Peter and said, "Easter is when families gather around a table and eat a big turkey".
"I'm sorry, that is also incorrect," said St. Peter.
Not to be discouraged by his comrades failures, the third monk says, "Easter is a very sad time, Jesus died on a cross."
"Yes, that's correct. Keep going," St. Peter interrupted.
The monk continued, "They put him in a tomb and put a big rock at the entrance. After three days, Jesus woke up and walked out of his tomb. He looked down, saw his shadow and shouted, "Six more weeks of winter"".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61j3d1/three_buddhist_monks_are_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
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Why is leather armor the best for being stealthy?

It's made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61j1zr/why_is_leather_armor_the_best_for_being_stealthy/
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Mr. Marcus was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61izfl/mr_marcus_was_briefing_his_client_who_was_about/
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Teacher asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"..

I replied "id say looking in a mirror"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61iz7v/teacher_asked_where_do_you_see_yourself_in_5_years/
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet at all.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61iypu/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
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A cashier is ringing up a customer...

Customer: Alright here you go $6.43, perfect change!
Cashier: CONGRATULATIONS! You're the 50th person to pay in exact change, you know what you get now?
Customer: No, what?!?
Cashier: Nothing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61iwtn/a_cashier_is_ringing_up_a_customer/
%
Friends are like snowflakes

When you pee on them they disapear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61iwnb/friends_are_like_snowflakes/
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What do you call a white person having a seizure on the dance floor?

An improvement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61iwkw/what_do_you_call_a_white_person_having_a_seizure/
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Why do French tanks have a rear-view mirror?

So that they can see the battlefield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ivzy/why_do_french_tanks_have_a_rearview_mirror/
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I made a homeless girl happy yesterday when I asked if I could take her home.

She got less enthusiastic when I walked away with her box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ivyl/i_made_a_homeless_girl_happy_yesterday_when_i/
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Two missionaries are taken captive by cannibals.

The chief of the cannibals says
"You have trespassed on our land and must face trial. For this, you shall undertake the Ordeal of the Fruit."
The two missionaries glance at each other, puzzled. The chief continues.
"Go into the jungle and collect a hundred fruits. Any you like but they must be all the same. Be here by sundown or your life is forfeit. Now, go!"
The two missionaries head their own ways out into the jungle. After a few hours, one returns to the chief with a hundred grapes. The chief looks them over and then says.
"Now you most take those hundred grapes and insert them into your behind."
"What?" the missionary replies.
"Insert them into your behind. And - this is very important - You. Must. Not. Laugh. Laugh, and you shall be put to death. Remain silent and you shall go free."
So the missionary drops his trousers, but before even one grape has touched his behind he bursts out laughing. As the cannibals seize him, the chief says,
"Now you shall be put to death! And I have never known any laugh so early!"
"Sorry" the missionary replies "But my friend ... he is collecting pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ivp2/two_missionaries_are_taken_captive_by_cannibals/
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Have you noticed if you Google the term "lost medieval servant boy"

It says "page not found"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ivg9/have_you_noticed_if_you_google_the_term_lost/
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So a man walks into a bar

As soon as he sits down, the bartender offers him a challenge:
"So listen, we have a little bet we play around here"
The man follows the bartender's finger, pointed at the ceiling, and sees three pieces of meat, dangling high up from the ceiling.
"So if you can, in a single jump, grab all three slabs of meat and pull them down, you get free drinks for the rest of this week."
The man ponders for a second before nodding.
"But," the bartender continues, "If you jump but fail to grab the three pieces of meat, you'll pay for everyone's drinks tonight."
The man stops, nods again.
"So what do you say?"
"No"
There was an audible sigh from the rest of the bar.
"Sorry," the man continues "The steaks are just too high"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61irwc/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Earth went around the solar system asking the other planets for a stick of gum.

They all refused, but Earth still got one; Pluto shares its Orbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ipxu/earth_went_around_the_solar_system_asking_the/
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I wanna say joke about blind people

but i just can't see it being funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61infh/i_wanna_say_joke_about_blind_people/
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Death or Booka?

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders.
He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorers pants off and has sex with him.
The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and has sex with him.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death.
The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ikc9/death_or_booka/
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Why did Shakespeare enjoy high school?

He didn't have to learn Shakespeare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ihuu/why_did_shakespeare_enjoy_high_school/
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How did my parents combat boredom before the internet?

I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ietv/how_did_my_parents_combat_boredom_before_the/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong sock on in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61idje/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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3 blondes try to cross a river.

3 blondes are trying to cross a river.
The first blonde prays to god a asks to be more intelligent so she can cross the river.
God agrees and makes her a brunette and she swims across the river.
The next blonde asks god to be 2x smarter than the last girl so she can cross the river.
God agrees and makes her a redhead and she builds a boat and sails across the river.
The last blonde asks god to be 2x smarter than the last two blondes combined so she can cross the river.
God agrees and turns the last blonde into a man and she uses the bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61i8ti/3_blondes_try_to_cross_a_river/
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Little boy gets home from school

and says. "Dad,I've got a part in a school play,I play a man who's been married for 25 yrs"
His dad replies,"Never mind son,maybe next time you'll get a speaking part".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61i81u/little_boy_gets_home_from_school/
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My roommate kept stealing my detergent, so I poured all of his spices into it

When it comes to getting revenge, thyme and Tide wait for no man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61i6dy/my_roommate_kept_stealing_my_detergent_so_i/
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I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.

***"You can't do this to me!"***, she screamed.
I said, *"I know. That's why I'm doing it to her."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61i5nh/i_was_fucking_my_secretary_up_the_arse_when_my/
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The Perfect Man

So one day, a man is sitting at work with his co-worker:
Man: I'm really happy with life right now. Kids are doing great in school, wife loves me and puts out every night, and my doctor says I'm the picture of perfect health.
Co-worker: Wow! That sounds so great! Is there anything wrong with you?
Man: Well my therapist says I'm a compulsive liar, but what does she know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61i32s/the_perfect_man/
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I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61hymg/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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Did you hear about the Muslim sex doll?

It blows itself up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61hyjc/did_you_hear_about_the_muslim_sex_doll/
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A joke translated from Russian

A young man goes to a collective farm to work as a vet. The chairman of the farm greets him and tells him he already has three vets.
"But I'm special, Comrade Chairman," says the young man, "I understand the language of the animals."
"No shit," says the chairman, "why don't you show me?" They go to the barn where the cows are kept. As they enter the barn, one cow lets out a sad "moooo."
"What is she saying?" asks the chairman.
"She says she's made two buckets of milk, but someone took one of the buckets."
"WHAT?!!?!?!" the chairman yells out furiously and demands that the other bucket be brought back. After a few minutes one of the workers brings the bucket back.
Next they go to the pig sty. As they enter, a pig greets them with a sad "oink". Once again, the chairman asks the young man what the pig is saying.
"Oh, Comrade Chairman, she had a litter of 20 piglets, but someone came in and took half of them."
Once again, the chairman is furious and demands that the other piglets be reunited with their mother. As another worker brings back the piglets, the chairman says:
"That was impressive, young man. You're hired. Now, let's go  celebrate by drinking samogon (Russian moonshine)"
As they open the gate to the chairman's quarters where the samogon is stashed, a goat runs up to them and solemnly bleats.
"Don't listen to her" says the chairman, "it only happened once when I was drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61huyy/a_joke_translated_from_russian/
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What, do you call a paralyzed Dutchman getting an erection?

A Brussels sprout,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61hmwt/what_do_you_call_a_paralyzed_dutchman_getting_an/
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School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61hkuz/school_students_are_taught_that_lying_is_a_sin/
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Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61hk7q/donald_trump_gets_executed/
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Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie...

The genie grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61hiws/three_guys_stranded_on_a_desert_island_find_a/
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What do you call dental X-rays?

Tooth pics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61hiff/what_do_you_call_dental_xrays/
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Cigarettes are just like squirrels.

They aren't dangerous until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61hi5n/cigarettes_are_just_like_squirrels/
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Firefighters recovered just the bottom of one shoe after the shoe factory burned down

It was the sole survivor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61hhw3/firefighters_recovered_just_the_bottom_of_one/
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You won't believe these 7 things you can do to avoid click bait

Redditors hate them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61hgxo/you_wont_believe_these_7_things_you_can_do_to/
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If you cross your fingers after surgery, you'll heal faster.

Or maybe that's just super stitchin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61hdzy/if_you_cross_your_fingers_after_surgery_youll/
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There's a new cosmetic surgery that makes you look like an Eskimo.

You might wanna look Inuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61hd8b/theres_a_new_cosmetic_surgery_that_makes_you_look/
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Praise Jesus! Today you will walk.

The preacher laid his hands on my head and said, “Praise Jesus, today you will walk!”
"But I'm not paralyzed."
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”
The Hindu sadhu came and said "Beta, you will walk on your legs today."
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”
I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61h7ww/praise_jesus_today_you_will_walk/
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I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up

Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61h5fr/i_always_wanted_to_be_batman_when_i_grew_up/
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A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians...

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.
The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest pieces he has ever written. A month passes, and the big day arrives. The musician stands in front of the orchestra, the rulers looking on, and signals the orchestra to play... and they absolutely butcher it.
The dictator, furious, demands that the musician be executed immediately. The guards drag him to a grimy cell, and ask him what he'd like for his last meal.
"I want the hottest curry you can cook!" demands the musician.
The guards oblige, and bring the musician the spiciest curry he's ever tasted. He forces it down, and is led to the electric chair. The guards strap him down, pull the lever, and...  nothing. The musician is completely unharmed! The dictator, having witnessed the miracle, decides to give the musician a second chance to compose a piece of music for the country's rulers.
The musician once again sets to work composing a beautiful piece. The big day arrives, the musician stands in front of his orchestra, and, once again, they completely ruin the piece. It was nothing like the musician intended it to sound! The fuming dictator  again orders the execution of this incompetent musician.
As before, the musician is asked what he would like for his last meal.
"I want the hottest curry you can cook, and even hotter than last time!" orders the musician.
The guards set to work and cook the musician the hottest curry they possibly can, throwing in a whole concoction of chili peppers and spices.
The musician, sweating, struggles to finish the curry, but chokes it down nonetheless. The guards once again lead him to the electric chair, and strap him down. They throw the switch, sparks fly, and once again, by some will of the gods, the musician is completely alive and well.
The dictator is stunned. He offers the musician one final chance to compose the greatest piece he can, and one chance only. The musician sets to work composing his greatest masterpiece, and finally the day of the concert arrives. The ruling classes look on as the musician takes to his podium. He raises his baton, takes a deep breath, and signals the orchestra to start playing.
The musician trembles. The orchestra are horribly out of key, out of time, and playing all the wrong chords. The dictator demands the concert be halted, and has the musician thrown in jail once again.
As before, the musician is asked what he would like for his final meal.
"The hottest curry that has ever been cooked!" instructs the musician.
The dictator, upon hearing this request, snaps, "absolutely not! I've had enough with you cheating death with your outrageously hot curries!"
The musician is dragged straight to the electric chair, and strapped down. He has wires connected to him in every place possible, and just for luck, the dictator announces that he will personally throw the switch this time.
The guards look on in angst. The dictator pulls the switch. Sparks fly and generators groan. The dictator holds the switch down for minutes on end before the power finally blows, yet, much to his amazement, the musician is completely unscathed!
"But, how?!" demands the dictator. "No man should survive that!"
"Oh!" exclaims the musician. "It had nothing to do with the curries! I'm just a terrible conductor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61h4mv/a_dictator_approaches_one_of_his_countrys_finest/
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What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61h2i5/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61h26n/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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I'm Devastated. After 7 years of medical training a good freind of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.

He Slept with one of his patients. He was a really nice guy, and a Brillant Vet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61gwwn/im_devastated_after_7_years_of_medical_training_a/
%
My bank account was hacked!!!

The hacker was so disappointed,  he started a fundraiser for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61gvqi/my_bank_account_was_hacked/
%
I had a racing snail. I thought that if I removed it's shell, it would move faster.

Instead it only made it more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61gstu/i_had_a_racing_snail_i_thought_that_if_i_removed/
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Grandma Loves Oranges [Long]

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61grii/grandma_loves_oranges_long/
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game...

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61gqvm/a_guy_took_his_blonde_girlfriend_to_her_first/
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Jake went over to pick up his girlfriend to go on a date.

When he found her naked, he asked why.
"Well, because I don't have any dresses to wear!"
"Sure you do," Jake replied, opening her closet. "Here's a blue one, a red one, a green one- oh, hi Francis- a yellow one..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61gpp9/jake_went_over_to_pick_up_his_girlfriend_to_go_on/
%
IKEA Lesbian beds

Now on sale at IKEA –Lesbian beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61gpcd/ikea_lesbian_beds/
%
How do terrorists prefer to bathe?

...with bath bombs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61gnz2/how_do_terrorists_prefer_to_bathe/
%
Scotland might not leave the EU...

but Theresa May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61gkwd/scotland_might_not_leave_the_eu/
%
The bodyguards of the POTUS used to shout "Get down, Mr. president!" during assassination attempts

Now they just say "Donald, duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61gj12/the_bodyguards_of_the_potus_used_to_shout_get/
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Why did the KKK member buy a night light?

He was afraid of the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61gizd/why_did_the_kkk_member_buy_a_night_light/
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What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61gis3/what_do_prime_numbers_and_stoners_have_in_common/
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The difference between Oo and oO

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.
"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?
""Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
""Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61gfwa/the_difference_between_oo_and_oo/
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As of today, I'm finally not a 25 year old virgin anymore.

I'm a 26 year old one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61g9qk/as_of_today_im_finally_not_a_25_year_old_virgin/
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I was in a coma for a year...

Lucky for me somehow r/jokes must have known, and waited with new material till i was back, thank you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61g64n/i_was_in_a_coma_for_a_year/
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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61g4fh/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
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Take my advice and use a condom

I once forgot it and 9 months later, I became an uncle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61fyeq/take_my_advice_and_use_a_condom/
%
I tried calling the rape advice hotline today...

Apparently it's for the "victims?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61fwhb/i_tried_calling_the_rape_advice_hotline_today/
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What did the car say to the car keys?

You turn me on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61frqd/what_did_the_car_say_to_the_car_keys/
%
Was talking to a lady online. Things were getting sensual.

So I asked her if she liked guys with big dicks.
She replied " oh, yes baby! I do! .."
I apologized for wasting her time and said good night...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61foxt/was_talking_to_a_lady_online_things_were_getting/
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A blind man walks into a bar

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61foa1/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two travellers a boy scout and a priest are on a crashing plane...

The first traveller tells the second: there's only one parachute, the boy scout is the youngest he should take it.
The second traveller replies: Nah fuck him.
The priest asks: Do you think we have time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61fl89/two_travellers_a_boy_scout_and_a_priest_are_on_a/
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Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over while driving...

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
W.H.: No, but I know where I am!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61fl6f/werner_heisenberg_gets_pulled_over_while_driving/
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away but...

It's only true if you throw it at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61fl2r/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away_but/
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Africans arrested in Saudi Arabia

A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.
The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:
“You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the prohibition, I will be lenient. Each of you will have a wish before getting the punishment.
You start, Togolese.”
Togolese: “I wish that you tie a pillow to my back, before you flog me.” His wish was fulfilled, but the flogging was so strong that the pillow tore into pieces after 25 lashes.
The Nigerian, upon seeing what had happened to the Togolese wished for two pillows on his back but still, the pillows got torn early.
Now the prince turns to the Ghanaian , and says:
“Now, since I am a big soccer fan and you play such beautiful soccer, I will be specially lenient with you. You have two wishes, but choose well.”
Ghanaian says: “First of all I want 100 lashes”.
The Nigerian and the Togolese look at themselves flabbergasted.
The Sultan replies: “I do not understand it, but we will grant you the double number of lashes! And your second wish?”
Ghanaian: “Tie the Nigerian on my back”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61fjfz/africans_arrested_in_saudi_arabia/
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I Like women like I like my wine,

5 Years old in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61fj42/i_like_women_like_i_like_my_wine/
%
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday"

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61fisv/i_dont_know_what_to_get_my_wife_for_her_birthday/
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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were all talking about how they were trying to conceive children with their husbands.

The brunette says, "I know that from the position we use in the bedroom that we are having a girl." The redhead says, "I know that from the position that we use in the bedroom we are having a boy."  The blonde sat there for a second with a puzzled look on her face and then chimed in, "well then from the position we use in the bedroom we must be having puppies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61fh8g/a_brunette_a_redhead_and_a_blonde_were_all/
%
Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61fh3k/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
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What do you call it when the water splashes against your rear while taking a dump?

Poseidon's kiss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61fgbw/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_water_splashes/
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Taxi driver

In the middle of the night, a guy hailed a taxi.
After a few hours, the guy in the taxi wanted to chat with the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him lightly on his shoulder.
The driver suddenly yelled , panicked, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a fire hydrant and stopped inches from a parked car.
The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to talk with you.”
The taxi driver says “It’s not your fault sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver…
I have been driving a hearse for the past 20 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ffvz/taxi_driver/
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If two wrongs don't make a right, then what do two rights make?

An airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61fcb1/if_two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right_then_what_do_two/
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Meeting with the boss

BOSS: Know why I called you in here?
ME: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic
BOSS [stops pouring 2 glasses of wine] Accidentally?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61f9ji/meeting_with_the_boss/
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If I had a crystal ball...

I'd sit down *really* carefully...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61f6ie/if_i_had_a_crystal_ball/
%
Pigeons die after they have sex.

Well the one I just fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61f5jy/pigeons_die_after_they_have_sex/
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Why does the penis have a knob at the end?

This question has bothered mankind for hundreds of years. Finally an American University commissioned a $100,000 study and after many months of research concluded that its purpose was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
The conclusions were not universally accepted and the French Government funded a $3,000,000 multi year study that concluded that its purpose was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
An Australian examined these two experiments and decided to do his own investigation. He spent $20 on a six pack of beer and after 15 minutes concluded both the American and French studies were wrong. The purpose of the knob at the end of the penis is to stop your hand sliding off when having a wank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61f4xd/why_does_the_penis_have_a_knob_at_the_end/
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Dark humor: Explained

Dark humor is like a child with cancer
It never gets old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61f242/dark_humor_explained/
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I was watching my wife try on outfits; I said, you know what you looked best in?

1996.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61f1kc/i_was_watching_my_wife_try_on_outfits_i_said_you/
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In the beginning, there was nothing

Then God said, "Let there be light!" There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61f0pn/in_the_beginning_there_was_nothing/
%
Do you know how much I hate observational comedy?

This much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61eyj8/do_you_know_how_much_i_hate_observational_comedy/
%
Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?

Because it's full of Arab Semen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61eyiv/why_is_the_camel_called_the_ship_of_the_desert/
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I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on the lock before I put the key in the door…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61exi3/ive_been_watching_so_much_porn_lately/
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How Canada got its name.

The Canadian founder were all together in a room thinking of the name for this new country.
Nothing was really happening for a while until one person broke the silence by saying "Alright eh! What we shall do is each take out a letter from this bag and see what we can come up with eh."
So they did.
The first person pulled out a letter.
"What's the letter eh?". "C eh."
The second person pulled out a letter.
"What's the letter eh?" "N eh."
And, finally, the third person pulled out a letter.
"What's the letter eh?" "D eh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ewnv/how_canada_got_its_name/
%
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner...

All it does is collect dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61evkk/i_decided_to_sell_my_vacuum_cleaner/
%
My 10-month old

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61etll/my_10month_old/
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What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?

When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61est4/whats_the_difference_between_getting_a_divorce/
%
So today, someone stole my Mood Ring.....

I honestly don't know how to feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61eqgx/so_today_someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
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What does a frozen beer, a burnt pizza and a pregnant woman have in commonn?

An idiot didn't get it out in time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61eow2/what_does_a_frozen_beer_a_burnt_pizza_and_a/
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While teaching a class

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61eo63/while_teaching_a_class/
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A jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while...

Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. They arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61eit1/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_to_israel_to_live/
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Weeaboos are the opposite of the patriarchy.

Because instead of treating women like objects, they treat objects like women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61egeb/weeaboos_are_the_opposite_of_the_patriarchy/
%
Why do some couples avoid the gym?

Some relationships just don't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ed4x/why_do_some_couples_avoid_the_gym/
%
Why do java developers wear glasses?

Because they don't c#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61e9si/why_do_java_developers_wear_glasses/
%
I called a meeting for all the men who had premature ejaculation.

They all came early

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61e4my/i_called_a_meeting_for_all_the_men_who_had/
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Oh crap!!

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the
collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he
might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just
how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the
auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone.
Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc
above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection
plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and
behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did
not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So
therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass
hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain
on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and
springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61e24u/oh_crap/
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My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61e23y/my_exwife_tried_to_humiliate_me_by_telling_all/
%
I once told my parents I wanted to be a comedian

They laughed. Parents are so supportive...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61e1y1/i_once_told_my_parents_i_wanted_to_be_a_comedian/
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As a 10-year-old, I find online dating real tough.

Every person I meet ends up in jail!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61dy8w/as_a_10yearold_i_find_online_dating_real_tough/
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3 men use the restroom...

2 of them use the urinals and start boasting to each other.
"I have this new watch that is the latest in technology. It is inserted in my skin on my wrist and shows the time without all the bulk and hassle of wearing one!" He shows his wrist to his buddy as it shows a digital readout of the current time on his skin.
"Oh yeah? That's nothing!" the second one exclaims, " I have a cell-phone built into my hand!" He then proceeds to explain how the screen lights up on his palm, while his fingertips and wrist serve as the earpiece and mic.
Clearly impressed, the first guy compliments the second guy as the third one leaves a bathroom stall. They both notice that he has some toilet paper coming out of his pants and bring it to his attention.
"Oh, that," he replies, "don't mind it. I'm just receiving a fax."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61dxko/3_men_use_the_restroom/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chinned-teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ds0c/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
What does a cup of coffee say when he likes another cup of coffee

I like you a latte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61dpmc/what_does_a_cup_of_coffee_say_when_he_likes/
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[NSFW] A skydiving instructor shows his penis..

A buddy decided to go skydiving. When he got up there and they opened the doors he decided he didn't want to jump.
He turned around and told his instructor he didn't wanna jump.
The instructor unzips his pants and pulls out a 15" long penis and says,  "You jump or you get this".
"Well did you jump?", I asked.
"A little as it went in", he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61docu/nsfw_a_skydiving_instructor_shows_his_penis/
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15 Best Two-Line Jokes

1. Parallel lines have so much in common
It's a shame they'll never meet
2. My wife accused me of being immature
I told her to get out of my fort
3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor
4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, they're efficient and not very funny
5. What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter; it's not coming to come
6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.
You have my word
7. What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table
8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor Bastard
9.  How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints
10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.
11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. Runs in our jeans.
12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
13. Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism
14. To the handicapped guy who stole me bag-
You can hide but you can't run
15. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it mad him more sluggish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61diwh/15_best_twoline_jokes/
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What's the best drug to have sex on?

Birth Control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61dg5b/whats_the_best_drug_to_have_sex_on/
%
When it comes to dealing with stress, studies suggest masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61d8m5/when_it_comes_to_dealing_with_stress_studies/
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A black man walked into my store today and bought polyester pants.

Which is weird, since they usually pick cotton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61d79c/a_black_man_walked_into_my_store_today_and_bought/
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I've decided to stop posting sexist jokes....

Because women find them too complicated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61d4p0/ive_decided_to_stop_posting_sexist_jokes/
%
The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61d4ee/the_wife_and_i_took_a_long_leisurely_drive_out_to/
%
Hey, Doc! I can't feel my legs!

I know.
It's because I amputated both your arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61d3rd/hey_doc_i_cant_feel_my_legs/
%
Children are like farts

You are proud of yours, but disgusted by anyone else's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61d2bh/children_are_like_farts/
%
What do you get when you cross King Kong and a pickle?

Ron Burgundy.
Perhaps you've heard of him, he's kind of a big dill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61d1v7/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_king_kong_and_a/
%
There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator

Dad: There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator.
Son: How does that work, do you need a degree for that?
Dad: I think you need about 2000 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61d15x/theres_a_job_listing_here_for_a_crematorium/
%
Why does a watched pot never boil?

Because it's a pressured cooker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61d0q6/why_does_a_watched_pot_never_boil/
%
Three Jewish Mothers

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Natalie says "That's nothing. You know my son Joshua? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61d0aw/three_jewish_mothers/
%
The pollen count is so high

Meth users are trying to convert their meth back to Sudafed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61czua/the_pollen_count_is_so_high/
%
Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person

I was also fired from my job as a bus driver..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61czod/today_i_gave_up_my_seat_on_the_bus_to_a_blind/
%
What's the interior temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61cycm/whats_the_interior_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
%
What do you call a fake number puzzle

A pseudo-ku

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61cwi3/what_do_you_call_a_fake_number_puzzle/
%
I remember my first kiss.....

it was during recess, by the swings.  Her name was Liz, she was in 4th grade.  We were talking, I don't know what came over me, I grabbed her face and kissed her.  It lasted about 10 seconds, we both awkwardly kissed each other, it took us both by surprise.
That night, it was all I could think about.   Apparently, that night, she told her parents.
And that's why I can't teach in New York State anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61cvfx/i_remember_my_first_kiss/
%
Some people call me the space cowboy

I wish they'd stop my names Jake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61cvea/some_people_call_me_the_space_cowboy/
%
Holocaust jokes are...

out of Mein Kamf-ort zone, Anne Frank-ly I find them offensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61cuio/holocaust_jokes_are/
%
Don’t send a noble gas as a make-up present.

They change nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ckm0/dont_send_a_noble_gas_as_a_makeup_present/
%
I asked Siri: "Why can't I ever get into a relationship?"

The front camera on my phone opened up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61cjea/i_asked_siri_why_cant_i_ever_get_into_a/
%
She told me she was curvy

What she didn't tell me was that she had scoliosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ci6k/she_told_me_she_was_curvy/
%
Three old men are sitting around the nursing home talking about how much it sucks getting old.

The first old guy says, "Every morning at 6 am I wake up and try to piss, but no matter how long I stay there or how hard I try, I can only dribble a few spurts of piss out."
The second old guy replies, "Oh yeah?  Well, every morning at 6 am I wake up and need to take a shit, but even if I sit on the can for thirty minutes, the most I can do is fart a little."
The third guy responds, "Oh yeah?  Well every morning at 6 am I piss and shit with no problem."
The other two guys look at him, confused.
The third man continues, "But I don't wake up until 7 am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61chwf/three_old_men_are_sitting_around_the_nursing_home/
%
Running with scissors is a bad idea.

Then again, so is scissoring with the runs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61chk4/running_with_scissors_is_a_bad_idea/
%
Republicans might be worried that the "repeal and replace" failed...

But it's okay; burns are covered by the Affordable Care Act.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61chjf/republicans_might_be_worried_that_the_repeal_and/
%
What's the difference between Jews and the GOP?

Jews always pass the bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ceoq/whats_the_difference_between_jews_and_the_gop/
%
What does a nut say when he sneezes?

Ca-shew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61cbao/what_does_a_nut_say_when_he_sneezes/
%
As my late father always said...

Buy a decent watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ca89/as_my_late_father_always_said/
%
(warning machinist humor). Did you hear about the guy that applied for a job running a lathe?

They turned him down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61c9r3/warning_machinist_humor_did_you_hear_about_the/
%
I was walking down the road when I saw 4 guys beating one other guy, so by natural instinct I decided to help

Haha, he couldn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61c9bg/i_was_walking_down_the_road_when_i_saw_4_guys/
%
Why do gay dudes always check out of their hotel on time?

Because they had their shit packed the night before. ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61c6lq/why_do_gay_dudes_always_check_out_of_their_hotel/
%
Quality Control.

Vice Executive: We really should stop testing our products on children?
Senior Executive: If we didn't test our products on these poor kids, how would we truly know if they are fit for purpose, it's just quality control.
Vice Executive: But Sir, we manufacture landmines!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61c4oj/quality_control/
%
I was walking down the road and I saw this really hot homeless girl...

So I asked her if I could take her home with me. She said yes and so I took her box to my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61c36z/i_was_walking_down_the_road_and_i_saw_this_really/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A Four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61c2xg/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
An old man asks his wife: "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know

. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61c2nq/an_old_man_asks_his_wife_martha_soon_we_will_be/
%
House republicans couldn't agree on contraceptive coverage...

... so they just pulled out instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61c1vc/house_republicans_couldnt_agree_on_contraceptive/
%
Two blondes fell down a hole

.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61c1mz/two_blondes_fell_down_a_hole/
%
You know what really gets my goat?

The chupacabra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61c18q/you_know_what_really_gets_my_goat/
%
Never drink with a hippo

A man and his pet Hippopotamus walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my Hippopotamus."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the Hippopotamus falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a Hippopotamus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61bzrg/never_drink_with_a_hippo/
%
Interviewer: "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61bz96/interviewer_were_looking_for_someone_who_is/
%
A pair of twins with dwarfism go out for a night of drinking...

...They get to the bar and see this beautiful set of blonde twins with huge breasts sitting at a table. They approach the ladies and ask if they can buy them a drink. The ladies accept and thy drink all night together.
When the bar closes the brothers ask the ladies to go back to their respective hotel rooms, that happen to be right next door to each other. The ladies accept and they go to the hotel for a fun night.
The first brother is in his room getting hot and heavy with his lady but he can't get it up. Meanwhile he hears through the wall his brother yelling "1..2..3...UP!" and he hears a thump.
Try as he might he can't get it up and apologizes to his lady. "This isn't normal for me" he says. She understands and rolls over to go to sleep. All night long the brother keeps hearing his brother next door yell "1..2..3...UP!" and a thump. Over and over.
In the morning, the brothers meet up for breakfast.
The second brother says "How was your night?"
The first brother replies, "Terrible, we kissed and got hot and heavy but I couldn't get it up."
The second brother says "Definitely not as bad as my night."
"What do you mean?" The first brother says "I heard you in there all night going 1..2...3...UP! and then a loud bang!"
"Yeah!" Shouts brother 2, "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61by0v/a_pair_of_twins_with_dwarfism_go_out_for_a_night/
%
The worst thing about anti jokes are

The disappointing punchlines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61bwhq/the_worst_thing_about_anti_jokes_are/
%
I really like oxymorons. Phrases like jumbo shrimp, organized chaos, open secret

Or United States of America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61buva/i_really_like_oxymorons_phrases_like_jumbo_shrimp/
%
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed...

One fell off and bumped his head, his momma called the doctor, and the doctor said, "I'm calling Child Protective Services."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61bt41/five_little_monkeys_jumping_on_the_bed/
%
Paul Ryan: "Doing big things is hard"

> Doing ~~big~~ things is hard
Fixed that for ya.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61bpjn/paul_ryan_doing_big_things_is_hard/
%
Why are so many hotwheels based after Ford models?

So kids get used to pushing them at a young age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61bl4w/why_are_so_many_hotwheels_based_after_ford_models/
%
A dolphin trespassed and took over my pool...

I guess I could drain it, but that would defeat the porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61bku4/a_dolphin_trespassed_and_took_over_my_pool/
%
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61bdoy/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbor_at_a_bus_stop/
%
What made the hearse horse hoarse?

The Coffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61bbyc/what_made_the_hearse_horse_hoarse/
%
What do you do if you see someone having a seizure in the bathtub?

Toss in your laundry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61b9j8/what_do_you_do_if_you_see_someone_having_a/
%
What does the Tickle-Me Elmo get before he leaves the factory?

Two test-tickles...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61b7tl/what_does_the_tickleme_elmo_get_before_he_leaves/
%
A guy meets his buddy at the bar.

He says, "I don't want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, 'nine' ". His buddy said, "Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61b6vf/a_guy_meets_his_buddy_at_the_bar/
%
A farmer and his wife are riding into town......

A farmer and his wife are riding in a horse and buggy down a country road. The horse stops and won't move, so the farmer gets down and whacks him and says "That's one". A few minutes later the horse does it again so the farmer gets down yet again and whacks him a second time and says"That's two". A little while longer the horse stops and the farmer says"That's three" He draws his gun and shoots the horse dead. The wife says"Was that really necessary?" The farmer looks over at her and says "That's one...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61b2zw/a_farmer_and_his_wife_are_riding_into_town/
%
These days, they expect those who join the military to go up in rank quickly.

I think they're just generalizing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61b1vf/these_days_they_expect_those_who_join_the/
%
Roses are red violets are blue

Porn hub is down Facebook will do
(Idk if this is a joke but my friend told it to me and i thought it was funny.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61b0mf/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
I decided to cook my wife something nice for dinner tonight.

Just to show her how it's fucking done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61azmz/i_decided_to_cook_my_wife_something_nice_for/
%
Remember that political discussion where someone seriously considered the ideas of someone with a different opinion?

Me neither.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61aywg/remember_that_political_discussion_where_someone/
%
What do you call an IT Teacher who touches his students?

A PDFile...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61avk8/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_his/
%
I'm bringing sexy back.

Saved the receipt, the original packaging and everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61au87/im_bringing_sexy_back/
%
Trucker's hobby.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I thought I missed that lawyer".
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61atv4/truckers_hobby/
%
Some tidbits for your pleasure

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.
For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn't get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don't have kids.
I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out.
He's mad now.
Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker's 60th birthday, 'cake' is not necessarily code for 'stripper.'
And apparently you can't get a sick leave just because you're sick of seeing everyone at the office.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.
how much morning wood, would my girlfriend suck, if she ever sucked and if I had a girlfriend. Whatever.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled a drink on myself.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles.
Diets are hard.
I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.
I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don't really wanna hear about your 'summer' house.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, "You sound like you're 4 - it's the grocery store".
My neighbors were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Two dead canaries for sale on e bay,
not going cheep.
I also saw a digital radio going cheap as it's stuck on full volume, can't turn that down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61atml/some_tidbits_for_your_pleasure/
%
Confuscious say...

"masturbation come in handy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61arfw/confuscious_say/
%
How do you know when Trump is lying?

His fingers are moving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61apjs/how_do_you_know_when_trump_is_lying/
%
What did the tampon say to the cheerleader?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ak8n/what_did_the_tampon_say_to_the_cheerleader/
%
A man is mugged in New York every 3 seconds.

The poor bastard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ajcw/a_man_is_mugged_in_new_york_every_3_seconds/
%
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They only come if you're sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61ai3w/what_do_santa_claus_and_bill_cosby_have_in_common/
%
Teacher and student

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Because of the sign on the road.
Teacher: What type of sign?
Student: The sign that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61afnu/teacher_and_student/
%
What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61adw4/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_kittens/
%
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61aa1p/mom_dont_freak_out_but_im_in_the_hospital/
%
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for life

Teach a fish to man and ARGGHHH AHH AHH IT'S GOT ME

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61a98i/teach_a_man_to_fish_and_you_feed_him_for_life/
%
Two Irishman were fishing on a lake...

...when one of them caught a mysterious, ancient-looking bottle. Upon taking the bottle off the line, a genie popped out of it and said, "I really don't have time for this three wishes nonsense. You get one wish between the two of you, so make it good."
The fisherman who caught the bottle immediately blurts out, "I wish every body of water on Earth were made of beer!"
The genie snapped his fingers and said, "Done." and then disappeared.
Then the second fisherman smacked his buddy over the head and yelled, "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61a4z8/two_irishman_were_fishing_on_a_lake/
%
I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61a39x/i_heard_reddit_likes_puns_so_i_posted_ten_of_them/
%
Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...

Asked him "Why are you eating grass?"
He said "I am very hungry."
"Oh. Okay then. Come with me."
You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.
**Edit**: Grammar, thanks to /u/linktothepast99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61a05u/saw_a_homeless_man_eating_grass_in_the_park/
%
Why did the fish get suspended from his school

He had seaweed in his locker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619xpz/why_did_the_fish_get_suspended_from_his_school/
%
An man walks into a restaurant....

He looks at the menu and it says:
Cheese rolls - £2
Ham sandwiches - £3
Wanks - £10
He looks across the bar and there's a beautiful waitress with huge tits and he says "do you give the wanks?"
She turns to him with a sly smile she says "yeah I do" and winks
So he says "Right wash your hands then because I want 2 cheese rolls!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619v4p/an_man_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
My wife asked me: "How do you pee and aim so well with an erection?"

I said: "It's hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619uh8/my_wife_asked_me_how_do_you_pee_and_aim_so_well/
%
Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619qxb/amy_schumer_gets_mad_when_people_describe_her_as/
%
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

The etymologist knows the difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619pyh/whats_the_difference_between_an_etymologist_and/
%
Here's a FedEx joke

Actually, you'll get it tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619lo3/heres_a_fedex_joke/
%
I used to be a man in a woman's body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619i5o/i_used_to_be_a_man_in_a_womans_body/
%
Whats the difference between you and an egg?

An eggs gets laid, and you don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619g1a/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_an_egg/
%
My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party..

I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619f6g/my_overweight_boss_asked_me_to_roast_him_at_his/
%
Mountains aren't just funny

They are hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619dh3/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
The Job Interview

Me: "Time travel"
Potential Employer: "What would you say is your greatest stre-WHAT THE FUCK?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619ddx/the_job_interview/
%
What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?

The saddest vegetable known to man: A Melonccoli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619cee/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_broccoli_and_a/
%
When do bakers stop making donuts?

When they get tired of the hole thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619c0v/when_do_bakers_stop_making_donuts/
%
Why did the 5 year old drop her ice cream?

She got hit by a bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619bq2/why_did_the_5_year_old_drop_her_ice_cream/
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I told my first date to meet me at Starbucks because I forgot her name

But the date went horribly wrong since Starbucks got her name wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619b4b/i_told_my_first_date_to_meet_me_at_starbucks/
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Why was the lich's wife's neck covered in hickeys?

He was a neck romancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/619ayo/why_was_the_lichs_wifes_neck_covered_in_hickeys/
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3 parrots for sale

3 Parrots for sale, £100, £200 and £15 a women asks ''why is one parrot so cheap? The shopkeeper replys ''cos it used to live in a brothel'' the women thinks its funny , so buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says ' flipin heck a new brothel'' the women laughs. Her two daughters come home the parrot says 'flipin heck new prozzies'' the girls laugh. The husband comes home and the parrot says bloody hell OP, I ain't seen you for weeks!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6199w8/3_parrots_for_sale/
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Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.

But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6199qe/steve_jobs_would_have_been_a_better_president/
%
Little Johnnie and Jenny are only 12 years old,

but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnnie goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnnie bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnnie, you are only 12. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnnie instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Johnnie has put so much thought into this."Well Johnnie, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Little Johnnie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6197a3/little_johnnie_and_jenny_are_only_12_years_old/
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A teacher asked her third grade class to

name things that ended with “tor” that eat things.
The first little boy said, “Alligator.”
“Very good James, that’s a big word.”
The second boy said, “Predator.”
“Yes, that’s another big word Alan. Very well done.”
Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.”
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything.”
“Well my mother has one and she says it eats frickin’ batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61957d/a_teacher_asked_her_third_grade_class_to/
%
I petitioned to rename a Canadian province...

Their government would have Nunavut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6191d2/i_petitioned_to_rename_a_canadian_province/
%
What's the opposite of a progressive?

A French tank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6190gp/whats_the_opposite_of_a_progressive/
%
A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The old way?"
"Yes. We'll take turns kicking each other in the nuts and the first guy who can't take it anymore loses. The winner gets the deer."
The hunter thinks about this and he says, "Ok, let's do it."
The farmer says, "Ok, let me go first."  He takes a big wind up and just nails the hunter right in the nuts with his big dirty farmer boots.
The hunter doubles over in pain, huffing and puffing for a few minutes. He finally gets up, still panting and says, "Ok Ok...I'm still in...my turn."
The farmer says, "Nah, you can keep the deer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61902r/a_hunter_shoots_a_deer_and_is_pulling_it_back_to/
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Scientists removed the right half brain of a man...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."
Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."
The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.
The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618z9r/scientists_removed_the_right_half_brain_of_a_man/
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Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.

"Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618xug/goldie_a_middle_aged_jewish_woman_goes_to_see_a/
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NSFW SO I was going down on my girlfriend...

and I said, "Man your pussy is big."
"Man your pussy is big."
She asked why I said it twice, I told her I didn't.
- *Because some of you heathens have never seen Predator.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618wmk/nsfw_so_i_was_going_down_on_my_girlfriend/
%
A guy fuels up his car in a gas station advertised with "Free Sex With Every Fuel Up"...

So after fueling up his car and going inside to pay the man asks the cashier, "where is my free sex?" "Well there is a catch" replies the cashier "you have to guess a number from 1-10 if you get it right then you get the free sex" so the man answers 7. "Ah so close it was 8" replies the cashier. A few weeks later the same man Is driving with his friend and they need to fuel up, coincidentally they drive by the same gas station with the same advertisement and so they decide to stop by. After fueling up and going in to pay the man asks once again "what about my free sex?". The cashier replies with the same answer "guess a number from 1-10" so the man says "5" "aw so close it was 6". So after walking out the man's friend says "you know this is a scam you never win" so the man replies "no way man, my wife won twice last week!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618uyw/a_guy_fuels_up_his_car_in_a_gas_station/
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NSFW So I was with this girl...

and while fingering her I noticed how loose she was.
Feeling adventurous I decided to try for 4 fingers - no problem. After a few seconds I thought I'd see if she could handle my fist. She was going nuts and my fist went in without incident, so I decided to see how crazy I could get.
I stuck a foot inside and watched as my leg disappeared to the calf. Once again I pressed my luck and put in both feet, but I slipped and fell entirely in her massive pussy.
"What will I do now?" I asked myself out loud.
"If we find the keys we can drive my jeep out," I heard a voice reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618tu3/nsfw_so_i_was_with_this_girl/
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I tried Viagra once but the pill got stuck in my throat.

It gave me a stiff neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618scc/i_tried_viagra_once_but_the_pill_got_stuck_in_my/
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One day a bunch of bullies came and duct taped me to a wall, but I had a good friend who tried and stop them.

He stuck by my side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618qic/one_day_a_bunch_of_bullies_came_and_duct_taped_me/
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I opened my water and electric bill at the same time

I was shocked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618kjl/i_opened_my_water_and_electric_bill_at_the_same/
%
How do you know you are a real adult?

Your back goes out more than you do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618i0j/how_do_you_know_you_are_a_real_adult/
%
Why is it risky to tell secrets on a farm?

The corn have ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beanstalk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618fbu/why_is_it_risky_to_tell_secrets_on_a_farm/
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Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend?

Sheeran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618emr/why_doesnt_ed_have_a_girlfriend/
%
The best poet

All the world's finest poets, writers, bards and linguists were gathered in a competition to determine the best among them. After a week of competing, the finalists left standing were a rabbi and an Australian shepherd. Their final task was to improvise a rhyme containing the word 'Timbuktu'.
The rabbi begins and comes up with: "I've been a rabbi all my life/ Had no children, had no wife/ I read the bible through and through/ On my way to Timbuktu."
Much cheering and excitement from the jury and the audience. Everyone is at the edge of their seat, awaiting the opponent's rhyme with eager anticipation.
The shepherd begins nonchalantly: "When Tim and I to Melbourne went/ We met three women in a tent/ Though they were three and we were two/ I booked one and Tim booked two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618egs/the_best_poet/
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If Korean pop is K-Pop and Chinese rap is crap...

does that mean Swedish hits are shits?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618ckd/if_korean_pop_is_kpop_and_chinese_rap_is_crap/
%
Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic? Mom: Of course not. Son: Well neither would he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6189o7/mom_son_why_dont_you_talk_to_mark_anymore_you/
%
What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618941/what_do_you_call_a_hot_chick_in_boston/
%
What did the soldier that was under a tack say?

I'm pinned down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6188zi/what_did_the_soldier_that_was_under_a_tack_say/
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It all

The title says it all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6188uq/it_all/
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Eight-Ball

I was playing eight-ball in the pub last night....
I was about to take a shot when my mate said, “Watch the black.”
I replied, “Why, is he near my jacket again?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61884o/eightball/
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When Anne has a will...

Anne Hathaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6186rg/when_anne_has_a_will/
%
If a deaf person goes to court

Is it still a hearing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6185x5/if_a_deaf_person_goes_to_court/
%
A little boy and girl are playing together in a bathtub...

The girl asks: "Can I touch your wiener?"
The boy replies: "NO WAY, you've already ripped yours off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6185d2/a_little_boy_and_girl_are_playing_together_in_a/
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6184u5/i_started_carrying_a_knife_after_an_attempted/
%
I saw a poor man fall over today on the street.

At least I presume he was poor - he only had $5 in his wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/618453/i_saw_a_poor_man_fall_over_today_on_the_street/
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Some guy was yelling at me today, complaining about my driving, saying I shouldn't be allowed on the highway…

I'll play golf wherever I want!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6182iz/some_guy_was_yelling_at_me_today_complaining/
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I like my women like I like my countries...

Developing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6180ut/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_countries/
%
Three women are near completing their CIA Academy training...

A white girl, a black girl, and a native American girl.  The three must each pass a final test.  Each is told that their husband is a foreign secret agent, and that they must kill their respective spouses to prove their loyalty.       The white woman first is handed a pistol and enters the room where her husband sleeps.  There are muffled voices, and both emerge in tears.  "I'm sorry, I just can't do it I love him too much."    The black woman next enters the room armed.  Ten minutes  pass .  She emerges alone, with a blank look on her face.  "I don't forgive him for betraying me like that, but I could never kill that man."  The Indian woman snatches the pistol from her hand and storms into her husband's room.  Five shots ring out, followed by a long scuffle, bangs, thumps, gurgles, then a second of silence before she emerges bloodied.  "Which one of you assholes put blanks in this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/617yi4/three_women_are_near_completing_their_cia_academy/
%
How much room does fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/617sgn/how_much_room_does_fungi_need_to_grow/
%
A wise Nigerian prince once said…

"I think, therefore I scam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/617rg1/a_wise_nigerian_prince_once_said/
%
An Inuit man walks into a pet store...

An Inuit man walks into a pet store holding a dead, bloodied seal, he screams at the owner "SOMEONE HAS CLUBBED MY SEAL, I DEMAND A REFUND!" The owner looks at him and says, "Sorry, warranty void if seal is broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/617o7z/an_inuit_man_walks_into_a_pet_store/
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What do you call a guy with a shovel in his head?

Doug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/617j5w/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_shovel_in_his_head/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too." But nothing happened because no bar carries fucking hydrogen peroxide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/617iy1/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
You know the worst part about getting a VPN?

Hot, local singles no longer seem to want to meet me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/617fu3/you_know_the_worst_part_about_getting_a_vpn/
%
"Sweetheart, I'm pregnant.", "High pregnant, I'm dad!"

"Actually, you're not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/617d81/sweetheart_im_pregnant_high_pregnant_im_dad/
%
How do you stop 2 lesbians from having sex?

With a rock. Rock beats scissors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/617cd0/how_do_you_stop_2_lesbians_from_having_sex/
%
So I just learned how to read Braille...

I just had to get a feel for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/617c4v/so_i_just_learned_how_to_read_braille/
%
Two hunters were walking around in the woods around twilight

One of them grabs the other and pulls him back from a 6-foot diameter, perfectly smooth hole.
"You saved my life" says the hunter. "I wonder how far down that hole goes..."
So they find an old anvil and throw it in the hole. As they're listening for the anvil to hit, a goat comes running up behind them, about 20 miles per hour, and dives into the hole.
A farmer comes along and asks the hunters if they've seen a goat. One responds "We're so sorry, we saw your goat run up behind us and he dove into this hole."
The farmer responds "That's impossible, I had him chained to an anvil."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6176ec/two_hunters_were_walking_around_in_the_woods/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61705p/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
Boyde the...

A young man walks into a bar in Scotland and orders a beer. He says, "Greetings from America!"... the bartendender gives him his beer and says, "Welcome, me names Boyde!"
After a few moments the young man realizes that the bar is AMAZING, hand built wood. He asks the bartender, "Did your father build this bar?" "NO!" Boyde replies.... "I built this bar with me own two hands... do they call me Boyde the Carpenter? NO! Look outside... you see that stone pier? I layed every rock with me own two hands... do they call me Boyde the stone worker? NO!"
Confused, the young man looks around a bit and Boyde shoves out a big finger, "You see that ship pulling up to the pier... I built that ship with me own two hands! Do they call me Boyde the steelworker? No."
Confused still the young man looks around a bit more and says, "Well what do they call you Boyde?"
Boyde angrily slams his fist on the table and says, "You fuck ONE sheep..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616xs4/boyde_the/
%
Why are women like save points?

When was the last time you said no to a save point?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616vpp/why_are_women_like_save_points/
%
What do you call an anti-Semitic R&B singer?

A Ne-Yo Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616t3m/what_do_you_call_an_antisemitic_rb_singer/
%
An usher saw a man sprawled across 3 seats in the theater

"Excuse me, sir, you can't sit across three seats"
The man only faintly mumbled and shifted a bit.
"Excuse me, SIR, you can't sit like this!"
Another faint mumble.
Grabbing his arm, the usher inquired "Sir, where did you come from thinking you can act this way?!"
"The balcony"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616rwe/an_usher_saw_a_man_sprawled_across_3_seats_in_the/
%
REQUEST: Burn victim jokes to keep my little sister happy because she accidentaly splashed a few drops of oil on her face

She's completely fine, in case anyone asks, but she has a few burn marks on her face. Doctor says itll take a few weeks to heal though and will probably scar. Just need some dark humor to cheer her up.
If this isn't the correct subreddit for this can someone direct me to one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616r6d/request_burn_victim_jokes_to_keep_my_little/
%
Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend

Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616nbv/outside_of_a_dog_a_book_is_a_mans_best_friend/
%
A man is injured after falling at a trampoline park

Doctors are confident he'll soon bounce back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616md5/a_man_is_injured_after_falling_at_a_trampoline/
%
Electron walks into a bar, bartender says what'll you have?

Electron says, "I'm not positive, how about something that excites me.?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616lh0/electron_walks_into_a_bar_bartender_says_whatll/
%
I wanted to watch the world Origami Championship on TV.

But it was only on paper view

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616kxs/i_wanted_to_watch_the_world_origami_championship/
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My girlfriend told me to stop leaving the seat up. So I did. Now she's mad that there is urine on the toilet seat.

I know this has probably been done a million times...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616kpb/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_stop_leaving_the_seat_up/
%
I treat children the same way I treat adults but some parents don't seem to like that.

Apparently they don't appreciate me telling their kids to blow me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616kmo/i_treat_children_the_same_way_i_treat_adults_but/
%
I would like to thank my arms

For always being by my side
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me
And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616jaq/i_would_like_to_thank_my_arms/
%
My friend asked me if I wanted to go to another country with him...

I said "Yemen, sounds good"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616jaa/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_go_to_another/
%
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night...

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616ifr/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_night/
%
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616hvu/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong socks today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616fa5/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
A girl once told me I was the reason she was gaining weight

Needless to say we didn't work out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616f2e/a_girl_once_told_me_i_was_the_reason_she_was/
%
I'm naturally funny.

I've been a joke my whole life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616ena/im_naturally_funny/
%
I had Domino's for dinner last night...

I almost choked to death on double six.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616cq0/i_had_dominos_for_dinner_last_night/
%
Why did Sally fall off the swing?

She had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6169je/why_did_sally_fall_off_the_swing/
%
What does a paycheck and a cock have in common?

Your wife wishes both were a bit bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61689z/what_does_a_paycheck_and_a_cock_have_in_common/
%
What type of medicine do depressed lesbian take?

Trycoxagain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6166qi/what_type_of_medicine_do_depressed_lesbian_take/
%
What was Helen Keller's favourite colour?

Corduroy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6166dv/what_was_helen_kellers_favourite_colour/
%
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day...

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6165fr/i_went_to_a_really_emotional_wedding_the_other_day/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate the headphone jack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6164ug/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
First you learn to read

Then you read to learn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6163p8/first_you_learn_to_read/
%
Why did the blonde girl have a bruise on her belly button?

Because blonde guys are dumb too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6160lr/why_did_the_blonde_girl_have_a_bruise_on_her/
%
If I wanted to kill myself...

I'd jump from your ego to your IQ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/616043/if_i_wanted_to_kill_myself/
%
My girlfriend thinks that I don't say "I love you" enough.

She's clearly never heard me eating a pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/615y2x/my_girlfriend_thinks_that_i_dont_say_i_love_you/
%
What did the Zen Buddhist say to his dog ?

Nama !  Stay .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/615v66/what_did_the_zen_buddhist_say_to_his_dog/
%
I have often wanted to drown my sorrows...

I just can't convince my wife to go swimming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/615tfn/i_have_often_wanted_to_drown_my_sorrows/
%
A Zebra dies and goes to heaven...

Upon reaching the pearly gates he is greeted by St. Peter who welcomes him. St. Peter tells him that when he meets God he will be allowed to ask one question.
"Do you have one in mind?" St. Peter asked.
"Yes" said the Zebra, "I've always wondered if I am black with white stripes are white with black stripes."
"Ok, in you go" says St. Peter.
God greets the Zebra and says, "Ask me your one question my son."
The Zebra asks, "I have always wanted to know if I am black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"
God replied, "Son, you are what you are." Then disappeared.
The zebra, puzzled, returned to St. Peter who asked what God had said. The zebra replied, "He said, "You are what you are".
"Oh, well that means you are white with black stripes" said St. Peter.
"How do you know?" asked the zebra.
St. Peter replied, "Because if you were black with white stripes he would have said "You is what you is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/615t1f/a_zebra_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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White people don't shoot each others on the streets like Black people do.

They do it in schools, because they have class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/615r56/white_people_dont_shoot_each_others_on_the/
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Luke 14:10

A priest and a nun are driving in a car towards a monastery, priest behind the wheel.
Approaching the red light, priest places gently his hand on the nuns knee to which the nun looks at him and says:
-- Father, remember "Luke 14:10"
Priest apologies, removes his hand and keeps on driving.
At the next red light, priest again places his hand on the nuns leg, slightly higher than the last time.
To which the nun awkwardly repeats:
"Father, remember 'Luke 14:10'"
Priest promptly removes his hand, apologies and mentions how his desires are stronger than his restraint.
When they finally reached the monastery and said their good byes, priest retired to his room, immediately picked up the Bible and looked up "LUKE 14:10"
In which he found :
"Friend, move up to a better place"
------
Moral of the story, if you gonna say or do something; make it a point to KNOW YOUR SHIT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/615mo7/luke_1410/
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Genie grants a man one wish

A man stumbled upon a genie walking along the beach who agreed to grant the man one wish. What would like to wish for human? The genie asks. The man demands the genie to turn him into a sperm whale so that he can swim across the oceans and the whole world freely. Very well says the genie and to no surprise he turned the man into a sperm whale. With excitement, the man said thank you to which the genie replied "you're whalecum".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/615i73/genie_grants_a_man_one_wish/
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I like my women like I like my coffee.

Wrapped in a burlap sack and hauled across the border on a donkey by Juan Valdez.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/615ds3/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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It was late at night and I asked my wife a question.

"Honey, would you like to have pizza and then have sex?"
"Oh, it's too late and I'm too tired. Tell you what. I'll do one or the other. You choose."
So I went to the kitchen, took out a frozen pizza, heat it in the oven, and put it on the table.
She came over with a plate and said "Mmmmm... that smells great, would you serve me a couple slices, please?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"Because if I let you eat any, then I won't have sex."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/615cxr/it_was_late_at_night_and_i_asked_my_wife_a/
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Reddit's being run by an evil cabal of hyper-intelligent cow-people, and I have proof!

[remoooved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/615cx7/reddits_being_run_by_an_evil_cabal_of/
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Jokes about domestic violence aren't funny.

They hit a little too close to home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/615cgy/jokes_about_domestic_violence_arent_funny/
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I started a business decorating turds.

It was pretty shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6159ug/i_started_a_business_decorating_turds/
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Spent six hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt

It was a complete waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6156tf/spent_six_hours_linking_all_of_my_watches/
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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, that's a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6156g1/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do women and police cars have in common?

They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6155vz/what_do_women_and_police_cars_have_in_common/
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What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/615511/what_do_the_mafia_and_a_pussy_have_in_common/
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Seeing my ex for the first time in months left me with just one thought...

I wish the neighbour's dog would stop digging up my garden…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6153sq/seeing_my_ex_for_the_first_time_in_months_left_me/
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I badly want to go to r/recycling

It always redirects to here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614w6v/i_badly_want_to_go_to_rrecycling/
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My friend asked me why would you chase a girl that already has a boyfriend?

I replied I would rather compete against one guy than the whole world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614vnj/my_friend_asked_me_why_would_you_chase_a_girl/
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The universe implodes

No matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614vco/the_universe_implodes/
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Two Italian men get on a bus..

.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614tsp/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
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My friends and I get bullied a lot

I was at school, going to the lunchroom with my friends- James (he has Parkinson's Disease), Alex (he's mute), Megan (she's completely blind in both eyes), Abby (she has asthma) and Hayley (she's albino). I myself am paralyzed from the waist down and so I need to use a wheelchair. Since my friends and I have these disorders, we formed a group of friends around those similarities. It's great to have people that you can relate to, but we also get bullied a lot because of our 'quirks'. Today was no different.
I notice our usual bully coming up behind us and I brace myself for what's going to happen. He pushes Megan down before she even sees it coming. Abby gasps. He yells some insults at us and then runs away, leaving Alex speechless. I look at them and then at Hayley, and I can see she's gone completely pale. I notice that James is shaking with anger, and I'm furious too. How could I let my friend get hurt? I never stand up for them; I'm a terrible friend. I decide that I've had enough. Just because I'm crippled, our bully thinks I won't fight back? Wheel see about that.
Fast-forward 10 minutes, we're in the Office reporting the bullying to the principal. We're sitting in the chairs around his desk. He asks us what the problem is, but nobody answers. James is really shaken up, and Alex doesn't want to talk about what happened. I can tell that my friends are upset about this. Abby is trying to take deep breaths to calm down. Megan just stares at the principal. Finally, she says something.
Megan: "I don't see why that bully is still in school! It looks to me like he's caused nothing but trouble as far as the eye can see. This isn't the first time we've seen something like this happen; he's bullying kids all the time. Let's just try to see eye to eye and agree that he needs to be expelled."
Principal: "I see what you mean. I occasionally catch him doing bad things, but I hadn't realized it was as bad as it is. Alex, do you have anything to say about this? Anything to add?"
Alex brings out the paper he uses to communicate with people. He writes on it and hands it to me to read to the principal. The paper says:
"That's what I'm saying! He does unspeakable things, yet the teachers just keep quiet and don't punish him. I just wanna tell them what's really happening, but they don't listen to me. That's exactly what I'm talking about. No action is being taken against him, I say!"
Principal: "Okay, okay. You've spoken your mind. James, tell me your side of the story."
James: "That bully is a horrible person. I've seen him pick on kids over and over, and it makes me so mad. It feels like I can't control my actions when I'm around him. My eyes twitch, my breaths become shaky, my fists curl up. I just want to scream out at him!"
Principal: "That's enough James! You need to learn to control yourself. Abby, your turn to speak."
Abby: ~Sigh.~ Where do I begin? Sometimes he scares me so hard that I can't breathe. It blows me away how he gets away with the stuff that he does. I frequently have to excuse myself from class just to take a breather away from him because the teachers don't stop him. I feel like I'm being suffocated; he's always breathing down my neck. He needs to be expelled. It would be a breath of fresh air to come to school without having to worry about him for a change."
Principal: "That's horrible, Abby. I'm sorry you have to go through that. It must suck the life out of you."
He asks me for my side next.
Me: "I can't stand him. I've seen him jump people before and then walk away. Every bystander looks shocked for a second, but they always end up ignoring it soon after. I end up kicking myself later. I want to stand up for the people he bullies but, as it stands, I am in no position to. I simply don't stand a chance again him. I just want to run away from this school. Principal, you need to put your foot down and punish him. Do I really have to jog your memory of the times he's broken the rules?"
Principal: "No, that won't be necessary. You've all convinced me. Starting now, I'm going to stand by the students of this school. If I see him do or say anything that I don't approve of, I'll talk to him about it. My ideas are pretty pale at the moment, but I trust that I'll figure out something to shake these bad habits out of him."
He skipped over Hayley, which is understandable. The bullying must be traumatic for her because she was completely white-faced the whole time. I wouldn't expect her to want to talk about it.
**NOTICE: This is my first post on r/Jokes. I thought of this a few days ago, and I found it kinda funny, so I decided to post it here. Sorry if it doesn't make any sense or it's not funny, I'm still learning.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614tf7/my_friends_and_i_get_bullied_a_lot/
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A gay guy got fired from his job at the sperm bank

He was caught drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614t4k/a_gay_guy_got_fired_from_his_job_at_the_sperm_bank/
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I love self deprecating humour...

Too bad i suck at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614sol/i_love_self_deprecating_humour/
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Right or Wrong

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614sax/right_or_wrong/
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It's good to be able to tuck it away quickly when needed

It's hard sometimes though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614qxq/its_good_to_be_able_to_tuck_it_away_quickly_when/
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Has anybody got a pen?

Two gay people are seated in the last row of a long-haul plane. It's late and the lights are out, but suddenly one of them gets very horny:
-"I'm going to bang you now", he whispers.
-"Wait, what are you, crazy?", his partner answers, "we're in the goddamn plane for fuck's sake, everybody will hear us".
-"Take off your pants, nobody will hear us, look," and the horny man yells: "HAS ANYBODY GOT A PEN???".
No answer. His friend, now feeling safe, takes off his trousers, and they savagely go at it all night long.
The plane reaches its destination in the morning, and the stewardess asks a lady:
-"Did you have a pleasant flight?"
-"Hell, no", the lady answers, "it was cold as a church in there, I couldn't sleep at all".
-"Why, you should have asked for a blanket!"
-"Are you kidding me? Some guy in the back asked for a pen, and he got fucked in the ass all night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614qox/has_anybody_got_a_pen/
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Texas hunting rules

A Californian and an Texan were deer hunting in the brush of south Texas when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Texan takes careful aim, shoots and kills him.  "You can't do that!" cried the Californian.
"It's legal here in Texas" replies the Texan.
Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer from Walmart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck, and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The Californian draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.
As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him. "But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!" protests the Californian.
"Well, yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614q07/texas_hunting_rules/
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a joke my teacher made in class

teacher:"(generic kid name) this is the forth time i have warned you!"
kid:"did you count how many times you warned me?"
teacher:"no, i just pick a random number and it sounds logical"
this was funnier in class and in Hebrew, i don't expect it to do good here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614nvp/a_joke_my_teacher_made_in_class/
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If you ever went camping and woke up with a used condom hanging out of your ass, would you tell anyone?

If no...
"Want to go camping?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614lwl/if_you_ever_went_camping_and_woke_up_with_a_used/
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If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614ltu/if_im_ever_on_life_support_unplug_me/
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Which country has the loosest regulations on incest?

Oh shit this isn't Google

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614jfh/which_country_has_the_loosest_regulations_on/
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614dda/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
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Why did Hellen Kellers dog kill itself?

You would to if your name was "HERNNERRRNENNERRE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614d9q/why_did_hellen_kellers_dog_kill_itself/
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Why do witches wear name tags?

To know which witch is which.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614acr/why_do_witches_wear_name_tags/
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"An apple a day......

...will keep most ANYONE away, so long as you throw hard enough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61499k/an_apple_a_day/
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What would you do if you had a gun when someone tried to rob you?

An interviewer asks three men, a liberal from San Francisco, a conservative from Texas and Vladimir Putin what they would do if a man with a knife tried to rob them while they were armed with a gun.
Liberal from San Francisco:  I would tell the robber I had a gun and they had better run away.
Conservative from Texas:  I would shoot that sum bitch.
Vladimir Putin:  BANG (shoots the interviewer for asking a stupid question)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6147vp/what_would_you_do_if_you_had_a_gun_when_someone/
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"Knock Knock..."

"Who's there?"
"Owl."
"Owl, who?"
"Chicken, buck-buck!"
Credit to my 3-year old daughter, who made her first legitimately funny joke last night!  (It quacked me up...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/614757/knock_knock/
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Why does Stephen Hawking only do one-liners?

Because he can't stand up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/61443x/why_does_stephen_hawking_only_do_oneliners/
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Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Some relationships don't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6143ku/why_dont_some_couples_go_to_the_gym/
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Mexican Smuggler

A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a customs officer while crossing the US-Mexican border. "What's in the bags?" asked the guard. "Sand," the cyclist replied. "Get them off. We need to take a look." The officer emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same officer met the the cyclist in the city canteen. "Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. Since we couldn't figure it out, what was it?"
The man smiled.
"Bicycles, bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613xqh/mexican_smuggler/
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How did the redneck drug addict get his crush to date him?

It all started with
"I'd be dilaudid to have yew fer dinner"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613wx7/how_did_the_redneck_drug_addict_get_his_crush_to/
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That's not your rug

One day in the city a bus driver was making his usual stops. At the first stop a woman came to the front of the bus to get off. She turned to the bus driver and said, “I think I was just molested back there.”
The bus driver looked at her and said, “Not on my bus. You couldn't have been.” So, he lets her off and drives on.
He comes to the next stop and another woman comes to the front to get off. She, too, looks at the bus driver and says, “I think I was just molested back there.”
Now the bus driver thinks that something has to be wrong, to get two complaints like this in one day is just unheard of. He gets up out of his seat and goes to the back of the bus. To his surprise there is a bald guy crawling on the floor on his hands and knees.
The bus driver says, “Sir, what are you doing?”
The man looks at him and says, “I lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but I lost it again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613wha/thats_not_your_rug/
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If I wanted to hear from an asshole..

..I would fart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613vxp/if_i_wanted_to_hear_from_an_asshole/
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I was trying to think of all the benefits of moving to Switzerland...

I can definitely say that the flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613ufd/i_was_trying_to_think_of_all_the_benefits_of/
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My dad always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more".

Good man, terrible anaesthetist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613sml/my_dad_always_used_to_say_the_first_rule_of/
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What do the Scottish people wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear the sound of zippers from far away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613rvd/what_do_the_scottish_people_wear_kilts/
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What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613qnh/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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What did the chess player say after eating at an Australian restaurant?

Check, mate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613neo/what_did_the_chess_player_say_after_eating_at_an/
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Donald, we want to install turbines beside your golf courses to harness the incredible power of the wind! What do you think of these concept sketches?

"Not a huge fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613n6l/donald_we_want_to_install_turbines_beside_your/
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Obama, Trump, and Bush were tossing around a football

On one pass, Trump throws the ball too far and it gets punctured on top of the White House fence.
Bush and Obama yell at Trump, saying he always manages to lose or destroy the football.
After a few minutes of angry stares, a Secret Service agent goes to Trump.  He gives him another football that's, curiously, transparent.
Trump, excited to try out this new toy, tosses it towards Bush, who then tosses it to Obama.  Trump readies himself for the ball, but Obama just stands there looking hesitantly between Trump and the football.
Trump, irritated at Obama's poor sportsmanship, loudly asks Obama to give him the ball.  However, he continues to stand in place, casting a look of hesitation towards Donald.  "Why won't you give me the ball?!" Trump asks in disgust.
"I'm sorry," Obama says with a defiant tone, "but I don't think we're ready for you to handle the new clear football."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613k7b/obama_trump_and_bush_were_tossing_around_a/
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Why did God invent women?

Because sheep can't cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613h2m/why_did_god_invent_women/
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[NSFW] My girlfriend asked me if I could try fisting her...

I said "No, there won't be any of that crap... not on my watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613h1p/nsfw_my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_could_try/
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My dad is never proud of anything I do.

Dad: Son, how old are you?
Son: 19.
Dad: When I was your age, I was 20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613fw2/my_dad_is_never_proud_of_anything_i_do/
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Why do women love Jesus so much?

Because he's well hung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613fct/why_do_women_love_jesus_so_much/
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I went to a seafood disco last night

I think I pulled a mussel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613cjl/i_went_to_a_seafood_disco_last_night/
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Have you heard of the peanut butter song?

It's my jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6139w4/have_you_heard_of_the_peanut_butter_song/
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What's the difference between a ripe and a rotten avocado?

About fifteen minutes.
^Motherfuckers...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/613913/whats_the_difference_between_a_ripe_and_a_rotten/
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?

He stays up wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6138d8/what_does_a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac_do_at/
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I got pulled over for driving in the left lane on the highway.

He said "This a passing lane only. Are you from around here?"
I said "No I'm just passing through."
He let me go with just a warning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6133el/i_got_pulled_over_for_driving_in_the_left_lane_on/
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After dating for 2 months, she started saying she wanted to meet my parents,

Baby chill I waited for 9 months before I met my own parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6130rl/after_dating_for_2_months_she_started_saying_she/
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How do you get an Indian guy to fuck you?

Drop your pepper spray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612wtf/how_do_you_get_an_indian_guy_to_fuck_you/
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Why is President Trump so cranky?

Because he owns my username but only I have the password.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612w01/why_is_president_trump_so_cranky/
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I find that dark humor is a lot like food...

...not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612ubt/i_find_that_dark_humor_is_a_lot_like_food/
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How does Jesus make tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612r6v/how_does_jesus_make_tea/
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I don't have sex with my sister because it's disgusting and unacceptable.

I had sex with her because it's kinky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612qms/i_dont_have_sex_with_my_sister_because_its/
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What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612qc6/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_michael/
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My son was kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off. I said, "Son, that's the third school this year..."

"Maybe teaching isn't for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612ouc/my_son_was_kicked_out_of_school_for_letting_a/
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I sold my emotions the other day...

Not really sure how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612osx/i_sold_my_emotions_the_other_day/
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London attacker has been identifed as Khalid Masood.

Well, he definitely Khalid Ma-mood yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612n5l/london_attacker_has_been_identifed_as_khalid/
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3 blondes walk into a police station...

And we're looking for jobs as detectives.
They meet with the police chief who says, "I'm going to show you a side mugshot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."
He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says, "He's only got one eye". The police chief responds, "No, this is a side mug shot, so you will only see one eye."
He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says, "He's only got one ear." The police chief again responds, "No, this is a side mug shot, so you will only see one ear."
He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says "He wears contact lenses." Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says "That's oddly correct. How did you know that?"
The blonde responds, "Well with one eye and one ear, he can't be wearing glasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612n41/3_blondes_walk_into_a_police_station/
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Just last week a smiling Barack Obama overpaid for hot dogs at my stand, but kindly insisted I "keep the change, son, I don't want it"

It was at this moment I realized how far our beloved president had truly fallen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612mop/just_last_week_a_smiling_barack_obama_overpaid/
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So I asked the bartender for a rum and coke. He said, "Is Pepsi okay?"

"Sure, whatever," I said.
So he handed me a glass of pepsi and coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612mh9/so_i_asked_the_bartender_for_a_rum_and_coke_he/
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I went in for a job interview today, and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who can be responsible"...

"Well I'm your guy!" I replied,
"At my old job, whenever something went wrong, they said I was responsible."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612m1x/i_went_in_for_a_job_interview_today_and_the/
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I've been told I've got terrible body odor.

I suppose I do need to bury the corpses sometime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612kka/ive_been_told_ive_got_terrible_body_odor/
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Mountains aren't just funny...

They are hill-areas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612kdl/mountains_arent_just_funny/
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Pickup line: Girl, is your name Medusa?

Because you made me rock hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612iba/pickup_line_girl_is_your_name_medusa/
%
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo...

That's where I put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612gju/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
%
Just dropped my phone in mayonnaise

Fucking Hellman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612f6r/just_dropped_my_phone_in_mayonnaise/
%
I always say to teens that sex is never the answer....

Sex is the question. The answer is yes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612ex1/i_always_say_to_teens_that_sex_is_never_the_answer/
%
Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612cid/why_are_there_gates_around_cemeteries/
%
What do Communists make their beds with?

Lenins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612cgs/what_do_communists_make_their_beds_with/
%
Dad, my Geography teacher Adolf will give me a quiz tomorrow.

Sure Hans. Let me ask you some questions.
Capital of Germany? Berlin
Capital of France? Berlin
Capital of Russia? Berlin
Capital of Poland? Berlin
Capital of USA? Tokyo
Capital of China? Tokyo
Hotel? Trivago
That's my boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612c9j/dad_my_geography_teacher_adolf_will_give_me_a/
%
Why are hens so good at fire drills?

They always know where to egg sit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6127u5/why_are_hens_so_good_at_fire_drills/
%
Great wine is like great jazz...

It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6125l5/great_wine_is_like_great_jazz/
%
Got this new game today called "Real Life"

Tried to login as a female in the china server but it always crashes on the loading sceen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6124iy/got_this_new_game_today_called_real_life/
%
My gay friend has OCD

He's an outspoken member of the BGILQT community.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/612434/my_gay_friend_has_ocd/
%
Told my girlfriend I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck this early in the morning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6122yc/told_my_girlfriend_i_was_so_stressed_that_only_a/
%
The Red iPhone is here...

It took them 10 years to finally be like an apple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6122v5/the_red_iphone_is_here/
%
What do you call a sea that prefers the temperature outside to be between 31.2 °C and 33.1 °C?

The Specific Ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611xl5/what_do_you_call_a_sea_that_prefers_the/
%
Interesting facts about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub

(2) I'm banned from subway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611xkp/interesting_facts_about_myself_1_my_penis_is_not/
%
Wheelchairs should have pedals on them

So if you get tired of using your arms you can pedal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611x9z/wheelchairs_should_have_pedals_on_them/
%
I wasn't that drunk yesterday.

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611x9b/i_wasnt_that_drunk_yesterday/
%
I just got a photo from a speeding camera

through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611vbw/i_just_got_a_photo_from_a_speeding_camera/
%
I was stuck in traffic behind a Mazda SUV this morning...

it wasn't the greatest car in the whole world. It was just a Tribute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611ug4/i_was_stuck_in_traffic_behind_a_mazda_suv_this/
%
*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?

A Cat-Has-Trophey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611t4d/a_joke_my_son_told_me_what_do_you_call_it_when_a/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A group of them, but it doesn't matter they wont change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611qpo/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I took an epileptic girl to a rave

I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611q8g/i_took_an_epileptic_girl_to_a_rave/
%
The last four letters in "queue" are not silent

They're just waiting their turn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611q5e/the_last_four_letters_in_queue_are_not_silent/
%
I broke my phone recently.

I threw it out the window after turning on airplane mode. Worst transformer ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611oet/i_broke_my_phone_recently/
%
How many divorced men does it take to change lightbulb?

Who cares? They never get the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611j3a/how_many_divorced_men_does_it_take_to_change/
%
Jesus may have walked on water...

But Stephen Hawking can run on batteries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611az0/jesus_may_have_walked_on_water/
%
3 navigators land on a foreign island in the middle of the ocean.

The 3 men, one from Japan, one from France and the last from Australia, run onto the sand, immediately feeling the intense heat that the sun was giving off. After hiking for around half an hour, the travelers spot a beautiful oasis at the bottom of the hill. They all make a mad dash towards it, eager to cool down. They dive in without hesitation and bathe there.
Suddenly, the trio heard rustling in the bushes. A large group of natives emerged and pointed their spears at the men. "You have corrupted our sacred grounds," they said. "You will come to our chief." The men escorted the three to a lush jungle where the leader of the native tribe was awaiting.
"You have dirtied the most sacred site in our religion. This is a crime punishable by death." The tribe whooped and hollered, eager to see blood shed in the name of their god. "We will slowly kill you and then make canoes out of your bones and skin in order to forewarn other travelers not to enter our holy sites." However, before the killing, the Chief offered each man a wish of his own.
The first one asked was the Japanese man. "I will have a knife," he said. So the Chief granted his wish and brought him a sharp knife. "I will not die by the hand of you tribemen, I will die by my own hand." He then slices his throat and falls dead to the ground, blood spraying from his jugular.
Next was the French man. "I will also have a knife," he said. So the chief granted his wish and brought him an even sharper knife. "I also choose to die by my own hand and not to you filthy tribesmen." He then also slices his throat in the same fashion and falls dead to the ground, blood spraying from his jugular.
Lastly, it was the aussie's turn to choose his wish. After thinking carefully, he says: "I will have a fork." His wish was granted thus and he grabbed the fork and repeatedly stabbed himself with the fork until there were holes all across his body and he was too hurt to go on.
His lungs punctured, his blood loss high, he gestures for the Chief to come close. The Chief leans over gently as the aussie, with his final breath, whispers to him...
"Fuck your canoe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611ads/3_navigators_land_on_a_foreign_island_in_the/
%
I recently dated a girl with a lazy eye. Had to dump her after a week though,

I'm pretty sure she was seeing somebody on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/611821/i_recently_dated_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye_had_to/
%
I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition

Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6116qj/i_dated_a_greek_girl_during_my_latest_archeology/
%
I love relaxing with some sand paper

It's just a little something to take the edge off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6115r7/i_love_relaxing_with_some_sand_paper/
%
What's got 2 legs and bleeds all over?

Half a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6113gn/whats_got_2_legs_and_bleeds_all_over/
%
sex with me is a lot like watching death take your loved ones from you.

Comes quickly, leaves without saying goodbye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6112l5/sex_with_me_is_a_lot_like_watching_death_take/
%
I like self-deprecating jokes

They are the only things I'm useful at

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6111sz/i_like_selfdeprecating_jokes/
%
There was a long line at the doll factory the other day.

They were having a barbecue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610xxn/there_was_a_long_line_at_the_doll_factory_the/
%
I was put into a special ed class in highschool.......

I came for the easy grades, but I stayed.....
...***For the ladies***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610xdy/i_was_put_into_a_special_ed_class_in_highschool/
%
I stole my gf's wheelchair.

Man was she pissed but guess who'll Come back crawling?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610w8y/i_stole_my_gfs_wheelchair/
%
I saw a car with a sticker saying, "I am a vet, therefore, I can drive like an animal"…

Suddenly, I realized how many gynecologists there are on the road…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610vil/i_saw_a_car_with_a_sticker_saying_i_am_a_vet/
%
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610urk/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_at/
%
I've been getting in touch with my inner self recently...

...but I guess that's just what happens when you get single ply toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610u1g/ive_been_getting_in_touch_with_my_inner_self/
%
Why is that when a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls he's a player

But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys it's your mom?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610tms/why_is_that_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_a_bunch_of/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One looks to the other and says, "Man, I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610t0j/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
You better start brushing your teeth, son!

Oral-B very mad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610rbu/you_better_start_brushing_your_teeth_son/
%
What did the leper leave the prostitute?

Just the Tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610rbr/what_did_the_leper_leave_the_prostitute/
%
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?

A handicapacitor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610r5t/what_do_you_call_a_guy_in_a_wheelchair_who_keeps/
%
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610pi5/why_did_the_toilet_paper_roll_down_the_hill/
%
Why aren't koalas actual bears?

They don't meet the koalafications

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610p03/why_arent_koalas_actual_bears/
%
Name a girl who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Steven Hawking's wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610ope/name_a_girl_who_pleasures_herself_with_a_vegetable/
%
I've just got a new job helping a one armed typist do capital letters

It's shift work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610oaf/ive_just_got_a_new_job_helping_a_one_armed_typist/
%
I asked a lady friend if she fancied coming around and sharing a dried exotic fruit..

She said it sounds like a date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610o66/i_asked_a_lady_friend_if_she_fancied_coming/
%
Bees don't like sharing their honey

They're so stingy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610ngl/bees_dont_like_sharing_their_honey/
%
Similarity between holiday at Amsterdam anf Saudi Arabia?

Both places you have sex and get stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610mri/similarity_between_holiday_at_amsterdam_anf_saudi/
%
Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610kvr/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
%
2 pizza's are in the oven , one said to the other : It's hot in here isn't it?

the other one responded : HOLY SHIT A TALKING PIZZA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610ha7/2_pizzas_are_in_the_oven_one_said_to_the_other/
%
What do you call a gay load of bread?

A faguette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610gmt/what_do_you_call_a_gay_load_of_bread/
%
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street.....

when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a wee and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a wee and this bullet came out!"
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened you were taking a wee and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610fug/a_woman_pregnant_with_triplets_was_walking_down/
%
I recently Learned that it's politically incorrect to talk about taking part in a school shooting.

Apparently the term 'School photos' is more acceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610fs4/i_recently_learned_that_its_politically_incorrect/
%
Death isn't funny.

It's post-humorous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610d8a/death_isnt_funny/
%
What do dogs and boobs have in common?

They're both tied up during the day and set free at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610cfa/what_do_dogs_and_boobs_have_in_common/
%
What do you get when you cross a ceiling fan with your dick?

A bad time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610ahp/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_ceiling_fan_with/
%
A turtle got mugged by a gang of snails...

In the aftermath the police officer asked the turtle for details.
Trembling, the turtle mutters, "I... I don't know. It all just... happened so fast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/610aah/a_turtle_got_mugged_by_a_gang_of_snails/
%
Me: How many chromosomes do you have?

Kid on Xbox: more than you faggot!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6109ml/me_how_many_chromosomes_do_you_have/
%
I browsed /r/jokes yesterday

Well I actually browsed it 5 years ago, but it's basically the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6107k0/i_browsed_rjokes_yesterday/
%
Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6106ao/relationships_are_a_lot_like_algebra/
%
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they're going to pay.

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6101x4/someone_stole_my_microsoft_office_and_theyre/
%
Women are like hurricanes.

They come into your life wet and wild and then leave wiTH THE FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SUSAN YOU BITCH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6100h9/women_are_like_hurricanes/
%
What do trees wear when it gets cold?

A fir coat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60zx5v/what_do_trees_wear_when_it_gets_cold/
%
The Bath Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60zwla/the_bath_test/
%
A pianist is down on his luck, and been without a job for a while.

As he's walking down the street one day, he passes a pub with a sign outside that says, "Pianist Wanted." He walks in, and says,
"I saw the sign outside, I've played the piano my entire life, and I need a job. Can I audition?"
The manager says, "Sure, play me a song."
So the man starts to play. The song is a catchy tune, and the manager starts to clap his hands and tap his feet. As the song ends,the managers says, "I loved it! What's the name of that song?"
The man says, "I call that one, 'Your sister is a whore!"
The manager is startled, but he asks the man to play another. This time, he plays a song so beautiful, that the manager is wiping tears from his eyes by the end. He then asks,
"What's that song called?"
The man replies, "That one's called, 'I'm going to fuck your ass until your hemorrhoids bleed!"
The manager, shocked, says, "Look sir, these songs are beautiful, but if you're going to play in my pub, you cannot tell the patrons the names of your songs."
"That's fair," the man replies.
So later that night, pub is full. Everybody is drinking and dancing to the songs on the piano, having a great time. Eventually, the pianist gets a five minute break, so he rushes to the bathroom to have a pee. In his rush to get back to the stage, he forgets to zip up his zipper.
As he makes his way across the stage, a patron in the first row stops him, saying, "Sir! Do you know your fucking dick is hanging out of your pants?!?!?"
The man smiles, and says, "Know it? I wrote it!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60zvp7/a_pianist_is_down_on_his_luck_and_been_without_a/
%
I went to the wrong subreddit.

I wanted to go to /r/recycling, but everything here has been reused too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60zupi/i_went_to_the_wrong_subreddit/
%
Two soldiers are held captive by the Taliban

They are told that they are going to be executed the next day. "We are not without compassion" says one of the captors. "We will allow you each one last wish." The first soldier says he has always been the biggest fan of Bryan Adams, and he would like to hear the song 'Everything I do I do it for you' one last time. After telling him that his wish would be granted, the Taliban captor turns to the second soldier and asks what his wish is. He thinks for a minute and says "shoot me first".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60zpha/two_soldiers_are_held_captive_by_the_taliban/
%
Entertainment night and my grandmas nursing home.

A couple days ago at my grandmas nursing home they had entertainment night and decided to bring out a hypnotist. He takes out is gold watch and starts to sway in back and forth "watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch." Sure enough all the seniors snap into that trans like state. All of a sudden the watch slips out of the hypnotists hand, "SHIT" he yelled out after watching the watch shatter into a million pieces on the floor....
Took them a week to clean on the nursing home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60zoo2/entertainment_night_and_my_grandmas_nursing_home/
%
What's Hitler's favorite toy?

The Easy bake oven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60zmfk/whats_hitlers_favorite_toy/
%
Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60zkyr/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first/
%
My dad asked me how was my first day at the carpentry course

I said that I "nailed" it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60zktg/my_dad_asked_me_how_was_my_first_day_at_the/
%
Mods are asleep.

Post OC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60zjap/mods_are_asleep/
%
What do you call Apollo's penis?

Sunny D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60zhu7/what_do_you_call_apollos_penis/
%
A guy decides to go down on a prostitute for no reason…

He's having fun until he feels like he's got a piece of food stuck in his teeth. Sure enough, he pulls out a little bit of broccoli.
"That's strange, I don't remember the last time I ate broccoli."
He keeps going and again, something stuck in his teeth. Carrots.
"It's been a really long time since I've had carrots."
He decides to ignore it and after the rule of threes, he pulls back and finds a bit of corn. "Now I know I haven't had corn in months."
He feels queasy and says, "I think I'm gonna puke."
The prostitute shrugs and says,  "That's funny. That's what the last guy said, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60zhu3/a_guy_decides_to_go_down_on_a_prostitute_for_no/
%
What do you call a homosexual redneck?

A confederate fag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60zhsc/what_do_you_call_a_homosexual_redneck/
%
I dated a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60zbga/i_dated_a_girl_in_a_wheelchair/
%
"Can I be frank with you?"

"Well okay, but only if I can be Darth Vader with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60z8yy/can_i_be_frank_with_you/
%
Jesus can walk on water

Cucumbers are 98% water
I can walk on cucumbers
Conclusion: I am 98% Jesus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60z7nn/jesus_can_walk_on_water/
%
A psychoanalyst says he thinks he is going crazy

Another psychoanalyst thinks to himself "Im aFreud he is going to commit suicide. He is too Jung to die"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60z7bp/a_psychoanalyst_says_he_thinks_he_is_going_crazy/
%
A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,’ said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Donald Trump's clock?” asked the man.
“Trump’s clock is in Satan’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60z78m/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
Jim Abbott had an aid his entire childhood

He was his right hand man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60z6ew/jim_abbott_had_an_aid_his_entire_childhood/
%
Last night I dreamt that I was drinking orange soda...

But the I woke up and realized that it was just a Fanta-sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60z4zp/last_night_i_dreamt_that_i_was_drinking_orange/
%
Why was the farmer so good at getting wool from his sheep?

Sheer determination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60z4zi/why_was_the_farmer_so_good_at_getting_wool_from/
%
The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smiles, thinking to himself, "Damn, it's great to be e^x. I'm real analytic everywhere. I'm my own derivative. I blow up faster than anybody and shrink faster too. All the other functions suck."
Lost in his own egomania, he collides with the constant function 3, who is running in terror in the opposite direction.
"What's wrong with you? Why don't you look where you're going?" demands e^x. He then sees the fear in 3's eyes and says "You look terrified!"
"I am!" says the panicky 3. "There's a differential operator just around the corner. If he differentiates me, I'll be reduced to nothing! I've got to get away!" With that, 3 continues to dash off.
"Stupid constant," thinks e^x. "I've got nothing to fear from a differential operator. He can keep differentiating me as long as he wants, and I'll still be there."
So he scouts off to find the operator and gloat in his smooth glory. He rounds the corner and defiantly introduces himself to the operator. "Hi. I'm e^x."
"Hi. I'm d / dy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60z4q6/the_cocky_exponential_function_ex_is_strolling/
%
Trump is like copper.

He's better without oxygen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60z4f6/trump_is_like_copper/
%
What is Donald trumps favorite ESPN Channel?

ESPN Deportes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60z3o8/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_espn_channel/
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What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Do-you-think-he-saurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yxrl/what_do_you_call_a_blind_dinosaur/
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What do you call 100 head of cattle masturbating in a field?

Beef stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yu13/what_do_you_call_100_head_of_cattle_masturbating/
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A woman placed a personal ad in the local newspaper.

The ad read; "I want a man who will never beat me, who will never leave me and he has to be great in bed."
A few days later when she was doing her laundry, someone knocked at the door. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs; "I am the man of your dreams!" He said. The woman looked at him confused and asked; "what do you mean?" "I will never beat you," he said, " because I have no arms. I will never leave you, because I have no legs." The woman kept staring at the man and asked; "And are you any good in bed?" "How do you think I knocked the door?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yt9i/a_woman_placed_a_personal_ad_in_the_local/
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What kind of organization is Atheism?

Non-prophet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yrfu/what_kind_of_organization_is_atheism/
%
A young boy asks his dad

: "Why do people say gardeners have green thumbs when their fingers aren't actually green?"
The dad replies: "It's just a saying, son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing something, they say that they have been caught 'red handed,' even though their hands are actually black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yqms/a_young_boy_asks_his_dad/
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My friend really changed since she became a vegetarian...

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ypmo/my_friend_really_changed_since_she_became_a/
%
How do you console a grammar nazi?

Their they're

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yoho/how_do_you_console_a_grammar_nazi/
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Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.
In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
Was recently pulled over for "driving under the
influence of cottage cheese."
He's wearing his big black hat backwards!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yn3b/top_ten_signs_your_amish_teen_is_in_trouble/
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How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.
But don't ask me how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ylq7/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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Davinath the Indian wife beater punches his wife every night at 7 PM.

On the dot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ykpy/davinath_the_indian_wife_beater_punches_his_wife/
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My little boy was drawing pictures.

I thought I'd give him a hand, so I drew a picture of a deer.  'What's that, Son?'  'Don't know, Dad.'  I drew antlers on it to make it easier.  'What's that, Son?'  'Don't know, Dad.'  'You see them out in the forest'.  'Don't know, Dad.'  'Rhymes with 'beer'.  You know, beer like your Dad drinks.'  'Don't know, Dad.'  Final attempt.  'Your Mom calls your Dad one.'  'Oh, I know!  It's a drunken bastard!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yjtp/my_little_boy_was_drawing_pictures/
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I took my finger out of her hole, and in seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, Man.  I am really gonna miss this boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yi4m/i_took_my_finger_out_of_her_hole_and_in_seconds/
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They say dogs can detect cancer by scent..

Wondering if CAT scan too..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yh7w/they_say_dogs_can_detect_cancer_by_scent/
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An old man had a dog

The dog wasn't moving, and the old man goes
"I think my dog is dead!"
He goes to the vet to check if his dog was dead.
The old man goes to the counter and goes
"I think my dog is dead."
The vet goes
"I'll have to do some checking to see if the dog is."
The vet lets his cat in. The cat starts to claw the dog, push the dog, everything. It walks out after 5 minutes.
The vet says to the old man
"I'm sorry to say this, but your dog is dead."
Heartbroken, the old man says
"Ok. How much will I have to pay?"
The vet says
"Not much. $15 for the check up and $25 for the cat scan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ygev/an_old_man_had_a_dog/
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Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

Because they kept stealing all the booze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yf8a/why_are_ghosts_banned_from_the_liquor_store/
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I like to read while I poop.

I think that's why I was kicked out of the library

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ydvn/i_like_to_read_while_i_poop/
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A U.S Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ycyq/a_us_marine_was_deployed_to_afghanistan/
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Everyone treats me like God

They don't pay any attention to me or what I ask of them unless they want something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yclq/everyone_treats_me_like_god/
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Did you know Rick Astley will let you borrow any film from his Pixar collection, excluding one?

He's never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yc1z/did_you_know_rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any/
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What do you call an alligator that can't get a boner?

Reptile Dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yc1d/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_that_cant_get_a/
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Why do blind people hate skydiving?

Scares the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60yapv/why_do_blind_people_hate_skydiving/
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What do The Sixth Sense and Mount Everest have in common?

Icy dead people!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60y6bf/what_do_the_sixth_sense_and_mount_everest_have_in/
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What is every mathematician's favorite news source?

CN^2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60y520/what_is_every_mathematicians_favorite_news_source/
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What do a joke and Amazon package have in common.

No matter how good the thing is, a bad package can mess it up.
I mean a bad delivery can mess up a good delivery.
Crap! A bad delivery can mess up a good joke.
Whatever, I give up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60y4ul/what_do_a_joke_and_amazon_package_have_in_common/
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I met an amputee in a bar

Everyone in the joint called him 'E'. He had been drinking there for a few years every single one of the locals knew him. Apparently he used to be the strongest guy in the town
"Ya know, I can still arm wrestle with the best of them" E said.
To which I replied
"you and what arm, E?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60y36v/i_met_an_amputee_in_a_bar/
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After getting divorced,

I met a girl on a first date
Girl: where were you before?
Me: i was in jail, i just came out after doing 10 years.
Girl: why? What crime did you commit?
Me: I committed a marriage.
** today is my 10th anniversary and i just created this joke**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60y2f6/after_getting_divorced/
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How do you make a guy with one arm fall out of a tree?

Wave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60y23j/how_do_you_make_a_guy_with_one_arm_fall_out_of_a/
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I put out my grades for adoption.

I couldn't raise them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60y20d/i_put_out_my_grades_for_adoption/
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What did the headlines say about the midget psychic who escaped from jail?

SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60y1ya/what_did_the_headlines_say_about_the_midget/
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My best friend committed suicide by overdosing on Viagra...

I'm not sure he chose the best method though, it seems like a hard way to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60y18k/my_best_friend_committed_suicide_by_overdosing_on/
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The doctor said I had 3 months to live.

So I killed the doctor so the judge could give me 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xyq8/the_doctor_said_i_had_3_months_to_live/
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My dating life is a lot like the military

It is just huge intervals of boredom rarely interrupted by dodging some bullets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xyok/my_dating_life_is_a_lot_like_the_military/
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Do you know what sexual positions produces the ugliest children?

I don't know, but you should ask your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xx7f/do_you_know_what_sexual_positions_produces_the/
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs.....

...and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general.
..and all in the name of humor!”
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister!I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xx63/a_young_ventriloquist_is_touring_the_clubs/
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My GF just called & said "nobody's home come on over"

I went over - nobody was home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xuif/my_gf_just_called_said_nobodys_home_come_on_over/
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The more you weigh, the more attractive you are.

Gravitationally speaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xsva/the_more_you_weigh_the_more_attractive_you_are/
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A person who takes care of children

It's a parent isn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xstf/a_person_who_takes_care_of_children/
%
I don't like stairs

I feel like they're always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xskb/i_dont_like_stairs/
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I was watching a game of girls volleyball and…

There's already a wrist injury. Don't worry I'll be fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xsir/i_was_watching_a_game_of_girls_volleyball_and/
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I stole a pistol made from gelatin the other day...

I was arrested for having a congealed weapon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xoj6/i_stole_a_pistol_made_from_gelatin_the_other_day/
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Two redditors walk into a basement..

Just kidding, they already live there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xlax/two_redditors_walk_into_a_basement/
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A red ship crashed into a blue ship!

They were marooned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xhku/a_red_ship_crashed_into_a_blue_ship/
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A wonderful homemade pun (VERY Long)

I decided not to add a TL;DR. If you've ever read the longest joke in the world, I'm guessing this might be right up near it, and might have the same effect. To get the full effect, I strongly reccomend you read the entire thing. Well, enough yapping, let's get started!
So there’s this guy, walking around somewhere in India. He looks about sixty, his hair is just starting to gray. He’s walking down this really dirty street, with trash and mud everywhere. Here’s his story.
His name is Abuk Chandrasekhar, but you can just call him Abuk. He is on his way home from a long, hard day at work. He’s about five minutes away from his tiny apartment. It is pouring down rain, the streets are nearly impossible to traverse across. After some struggle, Abuk is able to make it home safely. He takes off his dripping coat and muddy boots, then leans in close to his dingy kerosene heater. It’s no dinner again for the second night in a row; he’s about fed up with this hard life. But what can he do? If only he could somehow get to America, maybe life would be better.
Abuk decides to sing away his troubles. Ever since he was a little boy, his mother and father encouraged him to sing. After twenty years of practice every night, he finally could sing beautifully, at least in his opinion. He has improved even more in the years after, and uses nearly all of his spare time to practice. Abuk falls asleep hours later, with dreams of singing in the far off land of America.
The next morning, the weather clears up. He goes on his way to work as happy as can be. Up ahead, he sees disturbance in the street. a billboard. It’s brightly colored with very crisp edges just beginning to peel off. It says “AMERICAN IDOL - COMING TO NEW YORK CITY” in bold, thick text. Abuk’s face lights up right away. It must be a sign. He now knows where his life is going! Abuk turns around, rushes home, goes to his room, and grabs the small envelope that holds his entire life savings. He finds his phone, and dials the number for the local airport.
“Hello, you’ve reached the Chennai International Airport, how may I help you?” the operator says in Hindi.
“Hello, I was wondering how much a flight to New York would cost me.”
“Our next flight to New York leaves in three days, and the price is...
Hold on, let me check.... Fifty thousand rupees.”
“Thank you” Abuk returns in English, hanging up the phone.
Abuk counts his money. He has more than enough.
“I’m going to America!” he exclaims ecstatically.
Two days later, at the Chennai International Airport
0’600 hours
Abuk steps out of the taxi, and pays the driver a generous tip. He hops out, grabs his bags, and happily jogs to the entrance. He quickly makes it through the light security, and heads directly for the plane. He tells everyone he can about his upcoming adventure to America. Most people keep walking without turning their heads, but at the gate Abuk meets someone who actually acknowledges him. The man who listens introduces himself as Aarav. He is traveling to America to meet his wife and child who flew up a few months earlier. He says he is the owner of a Jazz club, and invites Abuk to sing.
“Oh, that sounds wonderful!” Abuk says, “After I finish the competition I will certainly come by to see you!”
“Yes, very good, very good! I will see you later! May i have your phone number to call you?”
“Sure, here.” Aarav pulls out his phone to write down the number. “91-365-447-3283.”
“Thanks!” says Aarav.
There is a buzz over the intercom, and the flight attendant starts announcing the first section. Abuk waves goodbye to his new acquaintance, and boards the plane. Abuk sits down right in the front of the plane so he can be the first one off. He stores his carry-on, and reclines his seat for the long, tiring flight ahead. Tomorrow he will be in America!
The next day, in New York City.
Noon
Abuk strolls down the sidewalk, looking for the address listed on the billboard. The Al Hirschfeld theater. It isn’t hard to find, there’s a gigantic line of people out front. Camera crews walk up and down the crowds, people fighting for a shot in the camera. The auditions have already started! Abuk sprints to the back of the line. It takes nearly three hours of watching cars zoom past, planes fly overhead, lights flash, and the other hustling and bustling of the city before he makes it to the front. The bouncer calls his name, and he steps inside. Sitting in front of him are three judges: Steven Tyler, Simon Cowell, and Jennifer Lopez.
“Oh, oh my gods! It is an honor to meet you!” Abuk says. I flew in all the way from india, and I’m here!
“Oh, India! How wonderful!” Jennifer Lopez says, “I visited India many years ago. You have a beautiful country.”
“Thank you, thank you!” Abuk says, “Today I will be singing Respect by Aretha Franklin. It is one of my favorites!”
“Mine too, let’s hear it!” Steven Tyler returns.
Abuk sings a wonderful solo, and gets all three votes to pass. He is going to Hollywood! Abuk runs out of the theater onto the streets, fist pumping and jumping for joy. In just two weeks, he will be appearing live on television in front of a huge studio audience! It seems his dream is going to come true!
During the next few weeks, Abuk transfers his rupees to dollars,  catches a transfer flight to Hollywood, and makes it to the theater with time to spare. He smashes his first performance, and makes it onto the semi finals unanimously. He goes around Hollywood, seeing everything he can, and just taking in the overwhelming rush of joy. He catches ANOTHER plane to the semifinals, and rocks Never Gonna Give You Up by rick Astley. After a few more weeks, he’s sitting at the finals, with two other people he’s competing against. His turn comes up faster than he would believe, and he attempts to sing the hardest song he’s ever had. Although he’s been practicing since the semifinals, he still doesn’t know if he can pull it off. His cover of Take on Me by A-Ha may be his biggest challenge yet. He dances to the techno music at the beginning, awing the crowd with his great moves. When the first line comes however, he misses his mark. He’s off by two seconds. His voice cracks, and his face turns bright red with embarrassment. He asks them to restart the track, but it’s too late. His final challenge is ruined. He failed. Tears stream down his face as he looked around the room, the audience dead silent. He slowly walks off stage.
The next night, Abuk walks into the theater. The announcer comes on, and the three contestants line up.
“The winner of American idol is... going to be announced after a quick commercial break.” The audience breaks out in laughter.
Five minutes later, it happens for real.
“America has voted. THE WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL IS: ...  ...   ...  ...
ABUK CHANDRASEKHAR!!!”
Abuk’s face is sad, he knows he’s lost. But after a few seconds his brain registers something. Did the announcer just say his name? HIS name? Abuk walks up to the front of the stage as confetti rains down from the ceiling. Tears stream down his face, but these are from joy, not sadness. He won the million dollars. America loved his other performances, and his mistake must have not been that bad! Yes!
It just goes to show you, you never judge Abuk by his cover.
_________
If you skipped ahead, SHAME ON YOU.
Hope you enjoyed :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xdd8/a_wonderful_homemade_pun_very_long/
%
Two criminals are trying to get away from an art museum in their getaway van after stealing pieces from 3 artists.

One gets in and turns the key. The van won't start.
The other one turns and asks, "Why aren't we moving?"
"I have no Monet to buy the Gascan to make the Van Gogh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xc21/two_criminals_are_trying_to_get_away_from_an_art/
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Why do Scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be on the boat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xbt7/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_off_the_boat/
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Wanna hear a joke?

Me too I'm having a terrible day ☹️

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60xa96/wanna_hear_a_joke/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60x9am/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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What's an alcoholic's least favorite part of a baseball game?

The bottom of the fifth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60x83p/whats_an_alcoholics_least_favorite_part_of_a/
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Why are unemployed doctors always in such a hurry?

Because they don't have any patients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60x56f/why_are_unemployed_doctors_always_in_such_a_hurry/
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Be Warned! Scammers about!

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.
Here's how the scam works:
Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket. You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on September 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on October 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60x3ov/be_warned_scammers_about/
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A Buddhist walks upto a hot dog stand and says..

"Make me one with Everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60x0m9/a_buddhist_walks_upto_a_hot_dog_stand_and_says/
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What do women and KFC have in common?

Once your done with the legs and thighs you have a greasy box to stick your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60x0b8/what_do_women_and_kfc_have_in_common/
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I like my women, like I like my microwaves

Cool on the outside,
Warm on the inside,
And will kill any baby you put inside of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60x049/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_microwaves/
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My wife said to me "What rhymes with orange?"

I said "No it doesn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60wxnm/my_wife_said_to_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
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A beautiful woman, sitting by herself at an airport bar

A man is sitting at an airport bar during a lay-over.  He looks around and notices **a beautiful woman with a glass eye, sitting by herself**.  She looks in his direction with her good eye, *but the glass eye is looking away*.  Without warning, **she sneezes violently**, launching her *glass eye* out of the socket!  It flies towards the man and he deftly grabs it from the air, but *spills a drink onto his food*.  He gets up and brings the *glass eye* back to her.  "This is so embarrassing," she says as she puts *her glass eye back into the socket*.  "Please, let me buy you dinner to make up for the trouble I've caused."
The man accepts her offer, and sits at the table with her.  They get to talking and **he discovers that they have a lot in common**.  He becomes so absorbed by the conversation that he completely forgets about *her glass eye*.  After dinner, the man asks for her phone number and she gives it to him.  The man says, "You are the most beautiful and charming woman I've ever met. Are you always this friendly to strangers?"
"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60wwpx/a_beautiful_woman_sitting_by_herself_at_an/
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What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman and a frozen beer all have in common?

You left it in too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60wwen/what_does_a_burnt_pizza_a_pregnant_woman_and_a/
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I'm making a fortune in pottery.

You can even say I'm kiln it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60wti4/im_making_a_fortune_in_pottery/
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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The villagers stare at the BMW as they have never seen one before !

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
"Good morning.  Beauty of an automobile you have there” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are those”, asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on God’s earth are dey for.” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.
“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60wpgc/on_a_golf_tour_in_ireland_tiger_woods_drives_his/
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A student asked me today if there was such a thing as a stupid question.

Of course not, I said. What a dumb thing to ask.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60wm4a/a_student_asked_me_today_if_there_was_such_a/
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Polish history in five words:

Stuck between Germany & Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60wm3l/polish_history_in_five_words/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, and a Northern Irishman walk into a pub...

But they all left because the Englishman wanted to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60wm2i/an_englishman_a_scotsman_a_welshman_and_a/
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A professor once said, "A joke is like a frog....

You can dissect it as much as you want to understand it, but it dies in the process."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60wkv1/a_professor_once_said_a_joke_is_like_a_frog/
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The Admiral was visiting one of his ships.

When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ships insignia embossed on it.
He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic
Cook: In that case Sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60whyh/the_admiral_was_visiting_one_of_his_ships/
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Why did the old man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60wbt1/why_did_the_old_man_fall_into_the_well/
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What a shitty day I had

First my ex got run over by a bus, secondly I got fired and lost my driving license.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60w8mf/what_a_shitty_day_i_had/
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My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60w7mp/my_girlfriends_writing_an_erotic_novel_about_a/
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Two Jewish mothers are talking and one says

, "I have some unsavory news. I sent my son to Israel to become a more faithful Jew, but he became Christian!"
The other mother replies, "Funny story! I sent my son there for the same reason, and he became a Christian as well!"
The two women, worried about their sons, went to their Rabbi for advice. When they tell him about the situation he says, "Funny story! Ten years back I sent my son to Israel for that very reason when he was studying to be a Rabbi, and he became a priest instead!"
They all decide it would be best if they prayed for guidance. After several minutes of prayer God addresses them, "What is wrong my children?."
They explain that all three of their children went to Israel to become better Jews but converted to Christianity instead. God replies, "Funny story!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60w4bm/two_jewish_mothers_are_talking_and_one_says/
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What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

The first cough is not your phlegm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60w335/whats_the_worst_part_about_getting_a_lung/
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What do you call a gay-porno starring Dwayne Johnson and Johnny Depp?

"*Rock Beats Scissors*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60w0ze/what_do_you_call_a_gayporno_starring_dwayne/
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Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60vwet/guys_i_just_recently_bought_a_256gb_iphone_7_plus/
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My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

I received a Rolex.
I think they misunderstood me when I said
"I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60vw7i/my_lesbian_neighbours_asked_me_what_i_wanted_for/
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60vvvm/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_rubber_toe/
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Why did the Walrus go to the Tupperware party?

He was looking for a Tight Seal...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60vv9k/why_did_the_walrus_go_to_the_tupperware_party/
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Confession time...

A man steps into a confessional.
Priest- "What is your sin, my son?"
Man- "Father, I'm afraid I took The Lord's name in vain today."
"I see. This is a grave sin, as you know, but perhaps there were circumstances leading to this I need to better understand."
"Well, Father, I was golfing and was on the 9th green. I was three under par, when somehow, I sliced the shot into the rough! Father- I haven't sliced a ball in 6 years!"
"I see. So it was then that you took our Lord's name in vain?"
"Well, actually, no, Father. I managed to get it out with one stroke, so I was still ok. But then- and I know this is gonna sound crazy- but as soon as it cleared the rough, a giant crow swoops down out of nowhere and takes off with my ball!"
"Ahhh! So it was then you committed this terrible sin!"
"Uh... well, no, Father. In fact, the crow dropped the ball 300' down the fairway! It then rolled 30' down the green and stopped 3 feet shy of the pin!"
The priest thinks about it for a second... then--
"Holy shit! You're telling me you missed a goddamned three foot putt?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60vudf/confession_time/
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What's the best type of shot for an anti-vaxxer?

A 9mm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60vte4/whats_the_best_type_of_shot_for_an_antivaxxer/
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What do you get when you cross a sheep with a porcupine?

An animal that knits its own sweaters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60vp0e/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_sheep_with_a/
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A guitar teacher was arrested.

Teacher was caught fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60vjlw/a_guitar_teacher_was_arrested/
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2,147,483,647 bottles of beer on the wall, 2,147,483,647 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around

Error: Int overflow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60veq4/2147483647_bottles_of_beer_on_the_wall_2147483647/
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1+1=3

if you don't use a condom...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60vd90/113/
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A Scot and a priest playing golf (Long)

A Scot and a priest are playing a round of golf. The Scotsman narrowly misses his shot to take the lead.
"God dammit, Missed the wee bugger!"
The priest turns to the Scotsman shocked and says "You'd better not use the lords name in vain or else he will strike you down where you stand"
A few holes later it the Scotsman is putting for an eagle and misses, Again he exclaims "God dammit, Missed the wee bugger!"
The priest shakes his head " I told you before, If you keep using the lords name in vain he'll strike you down where you stand"
The scot manages to restrain himself until the last hole of the game when he misses his game winning shot. "God dammit! Missed the wee bugger". Just as he finishes his sentence a bolt of lightning comes from the sky and strikes priest dead.
A booming voice comes from the clouds
"God dammit! Missed the wee bugger!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60vd7i/a_scot_and_a_priest_playing_golf_long/
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Billy the Peanut

One day lil Johnny comes running into the kitchen from playing outside and he's screams out "Mommy! Mommy! Billy's penis is like a peanut!"
The Mother is a bit flustered and startled at the comment but quickly regains her composure and says "Oh that's ok Johnny, you're both little boys, you'll grow up and mature and it won't be small and tiny like it is now."
A perplexed Johnny looks at his mom and says "It's not tiny Mommy, it's salty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60vcfr/billy_the_peanut/
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A propeller is actually just a big fan to keep the pilot cool...

when it stops you can watch the pilot start sweating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60vav8/a_propeller_is_actually_just_a_big_fan_to_keep/
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3 men bump into each other after 30 years apart....

They begin catching up on what each one has been up to over the past 30 years.
First guy - I got married and moved to LA where I ran my own restaurant. One morning, I showed up for work only to find my restaurant engulfed in flames. The whole thing burned to the ground. Insurance paid me a fortune. I became rich and now I'm retired.
Second guy - I got married and moved to Chicago where I opened a shoe store. One morning, I showed up for work only to find my shoe store engulfed in flames. The whole thing burned to the ground. Insurance paid me a fortune. I became rich and now I'm retired.
Third guy - I got married and moved to Miami where I opened a clothing store. One morning, I showed up for work only to find my clothing store completely flooded. All the clothing were ruined by the murky water. Insurance paid me a fortune. I became rich and now I'm retired.
The first two guys look at each other and ask - **how do you start a flood?**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60v7tl/3_men_bump_into_each_other_after_30_years_apart/
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My neighbor knocked on my door at 2 AM. Unbelievable, 2 AM!

Luckily I was still up practicing with my band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60v1ik/my_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_at_2_am/
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My father died today at work...

he worked at the brewery and fell into a beer tank. All the co-workers rushed to help him and to get him out, but despite their best efforts my dad managed to fight them all back and then drowned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60v0no/my_father_died_today_at_work/
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Can you imagine the Trump family dinner conversations?

I'd love to be a Samsung on the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60v0az/can_you_imagine_the_trump_family_dinner/
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Cringe

You know the person who invented knock-knock jokes, He got the Nobel prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60uvyy/cringe/
%
My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60uvnv/my_parents_read_the_book_i_was_writing_they_said/
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I threw a surprise bukkake party for a girl friend of mine.

Everybody came.
You should have seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60uuyu/i_threw_a_surprise_bukkake_party_for_a_girl/
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Doctor humor

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's proposed health care package to replace Obama-care:
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60urxx/doctor_humor/
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I was fired from my job in a restaurant kitchen for refusing to slice up one of the condiments with a knife...

I just didn't cut the mustard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60uq7x/i_was_fired_from_my_job_in_a_restaurant_kitchen/
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Whats the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never let a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60upzp/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks."
I said, "Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60un0m/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
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Why can't the orphan play baseball?

Because he can't find home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ulov/why_cant_the_orphan_play_baseball/
%
Last night I watched a documentary on how they put ships together...

It was riveting!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ukpe/last_night_i_watched_a_documentary_on_how_they/
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Did you hear about the epileptic who played peek-a-boo?

Now he seizure
Now he don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ujom/did_you_hear_about_the_epileptic_who_played/
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Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ufpv/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_constipated/
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Names stick

There was an old man traveling around Ireland. While walking back to his room, he noticed a long fence going up a hill. At the top of the hill was a pub. He decided to follow the long straight fence up the hill to get a pint.
When he arrives, theres no one there but him and the bartender. He orders a pint of Guiness.
The bartender says, "did you notice the fence on the way up? I made that fence with my bare hands, I did. But do they call me Jones the fence maker? Noooo".
He hands the man his glass. The bartender asks the man again, "you see this bar? I made this with my bare hands. Pure maple. But do they call me Jones the bar maker? Noooo".
The bartender then says once more, "like the pull of the pint? Pulled it myself. But do they call me Jones the Guiness puller? Noooooo. But you fuck ONE goat...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ue6x/names_stick/
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I like my women how I like my Earth

Flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60udk0/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_earth/
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Trump want to know the secret of Angela Merkels success when visiting her in Germany

she tells him: well it's pretty easy, You just have to gather a lot of smart people around yourself.
"How do you know so fast if they are intelligent" Trump asks.
Merkel: " let me demonstrate it"
She grabs the telephone calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question: " Mr. Schäuble, it is the son of your dad but it isn't your brother. Who is it? "
Without hesitation Schäuble answers:
" pretty easy that's ME!"
Fascinated he flies back to the states
Back home he immediately calls his vice Pence and asks him the same Question.
"It's the son of your father but not your brother. Who is it?"
After a long time back and forth he answers:
"I'm just not getting it, but give me time until tomorrow and I will give you the right answer!"
Pence ist just desperate so he decides to ask the Ex President Obama.
He calls Obama and asks:
"Mr. Obama it's the son of your father but it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
"Pretty easy that's me!"
Happy to finally having the answer he straight away calls Trump.
" I know the answer it's OBAMA!"
Trump is raging and screaming back:
"No you fucking Idiot it's WOLFGANG SCHÄUBLE"
Sorry for my bad English guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ubw0/trump_want_to_know_the_secret_of_angela_merkels/
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I was close to tears when my ex-wife told me she was getting remarried…

I really do feel sorry for him…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ualo/i_was_close_to_tears_when_my_exwife_told_me_she/
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Every time I go on holiday...

Every time I go on holiday my wife gets pregnant.  I've decided I'm taking her with me next time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ua2r/every_time_i_go_on_holiday/
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Why did the stoner put laxatives in the weedbrownies?

For shits and giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60u94p/why_did_the_stoner_put_laxatives_in_the/
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How many south americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60u8gd/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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TIL, some fish reproduce by the female laying eggs, and the male ejaculating all over them.

This is why the ocean is salty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60u6ct/til_some_fish_reproduce_by_the_female_laying_eggs/
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Why does an ejaculation contain 300 million sperm cells?

Men love to exaggerate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60u5wp/why_does_an_ejaculation_contain_300_million_sperm/
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Why should you still be scared of a serial killer who just had one of his arms cut off?

Because he still isn't completely 'armless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60u2u8/why_should_you_still_be_scared_of_a_serial_killer/
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My wife and I have a give and take relationship.

She gives me shit, and I take it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60u2na/my_wife_and_i_have_a_give_and_take_relationship/
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Boy: come over

Girl: I'm coming over
Boy: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60u2e4/boy_come_over/
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My balls are just like scented stickers

All i do is scratch and sniff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60u260/my_balls_are_just_like_scented_stickers/
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Saw an interesting sign at my school today that read: "Fight Apathy!"

I didn't care enough to read it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60u1dj/saw_an_interesting_sign_at_my_school_today_that/
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A woman sits beside her dying husband

He motions for her to come close; he's barely sighing.
She knows these are his last words, so she leans in:
"Six months after I die, I want you to marry Ben."
Confused, she says, "I'll do anything for you, Mitch,
but I don't get it... I thought you hated that little bitch."
And with his dying breath, he said, "I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60tyxh/a_woman_sits_beside_her_dying_husband/
%
Did you hear about the boxer who became a comedian

I hear he has a great punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ty9y/did_you_hear_about_the_boxer_who_became_a_comedian/
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A goth, a weeb and a brony walks into a bar

Bartender said well well well! We don't see you people often in here. So how about this, I'ma make you an offer. Each one of you say the most embarrassing thing you have done, and the person with the most cringe-worthy story gets a drink for free.
The Goth said, well I cut my ex's name in my arms, I tried to burn it off using sulphuric acid but ended up in an ICU. The weeb then said, well that's nothing, I once tried to pick up this Asian girl by talking to her in Japanese for 20 minutes, only to find out that she is ethnically Chinese, and was born and raised in California. But I really liked her so I stalked her for half a year and got an restraining order filed against me.
The brony sighed loudly. He inhaled hard on his cigarette, held it for a while and exhaled a long stream of thick smoke. Scratching his neckbeard staring at the ceiling, he said: Can you believe the judge thought these two little cocksuckers should stay with me instead of their mom?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60twhu/a_goth_a_weeb_and_a_brony_walks_into_a_bar/
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Hey girl, are you a computer?

Because you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60tw6c/hey_girl_are_you_a_computer/
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Bio joke

What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot?
Mitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60tpqc/bio_joke/
%
15 Year Old Boy Comes Home With A Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,
"Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
"We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
**Edit**: Wow this blew up, thanks guys. I had no intention of copying or re-posting this joke. I saw it earlier, and hadn't heard of it in a while. I decided to share it with you guys and the community!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60tn1s/15_year_old_boy_comes_home_with_a_porsche/
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The secret service doesnt yell "get down!" When the president is in danger.

Now they yell "Donald, duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60tm96/the_secret_service_doesnt_yell_get_down_when_the/
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'[Dirty]' How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60tkvf/dirty_how_do_you_embarrass_an_archeologist/
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Daughter ask simple question from her mother

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60titv/daughter_ask_simple_question_from_her_mother/
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A recent study shows that 1 in every 10 men are gay.

As a guy I find this really scary, that means that 1 of the last 10 dudes I slept with is gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60tfz4/a_recent_study_shows_that_1_in_every_10_men_are/
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Pour Me Some Ice Cream

A husband comes home with a half gallon of ice cream. He asked his wife if she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asked.
"About as hard as my dick," he replies.
The wife replies, "Ok! Then pour me some!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60te3q/pour_me_some_ice_cream/
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"Remember, Luke, a Jedi always has doubts about something. Only a Sith can be 100% sure about everything."

"Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60td62/remember_luke_a_jedi_always_has_doubts_about/
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A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.
"Leave them alone, cabron, they're for the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60tank/a_mexican_lying_on_his_death_bed/
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Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60t96a/two_men_are_playing_golf_one_of_them_is_about_to/
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Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"
"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.
"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is he here?"
"I sit here, you meshuggener old man," says Abraham, laughing despite his grief.
"You are a good boy, Abraham," whispers Ishmael. "And my darling daughter Sarah, where is she?"
"Papa, I love you!" cries Sarah as she draws a tissue to her face.
"And my grandchildren? Ezekial, Ruth, Emmanuel, Seraphine, Bartholomew?"
"We are all here, grandpapa!" the children cry in unison.
"So my family, all my family, is here with me now?" asks Ishmael.
"Yes, of course, dear," soothes Elena.
"Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60t93u/ishmael_is_lying_on_his_death_bed/
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What do you call a rape baby?

A dishonourable discharge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60t7ya/what_do_you_call_a_rape_baby/
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I'll never forget the Christmas Eve my father went to jail.

It didn't take long before he got violent, abusive, screaming and thrashing around, smearing feces on the walls...
I'll never play Monopoly with him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60t6q2/ill_never_forget_the_christmas_eve_my_father_went/
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What type of bear is bisexual and experiences mood swings?

Bi-polar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60t5ox/what_type_of_bear_is_bisexual_and_experiences/
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My mom told me I was autistic

But I'm not good at drawing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60t57g/my_mom_told_me_i_was_autistic/
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Beautiful Noise (Long)

A man went on a trip to the mountains in Eastern Europe to see the sights...
One dark and stormy night he was traveling back to his hotel when his car died. He got out of the car and opened the hood. He checked everything he could think of and couldn't find what was wrong. He pulled out his phone and discovered he had no service. He looked around and noticed an old monastery nestled in a valley between two mountains. He decided it was his best shot and walked up and knocked on the big front door.
A monk opened the door and asked "Yes my child?" the man proceeded to explain that his car broke down and wondered if the monk could help. The monk explained to the man that there were 2 monks at the monastery who used to be mechanics, the monk then told the man to come in and eat dinner with them while the monks worked on his car. The man agreed and ate wonderful homemade soup and homemade bread with the monks. The head monk came to the man at the end of dinner and told him that his car wouldn't be ready till morning, but they had a free room that he could sleep him. The man agreed and after a few moments, the head monk lead the man to his room.
The man laid in the most comfortable bed he had ever been in and quickly fell asleep. In the middle of the night he awoke to the most beautiful noise he had ever heard. He couldn't identify what the noise was. The noise eventually stopped and the man laid back down and went quickly back to sleep. In the morning the head monk tapped on his door and told the man that his car was ready. The man thanked him and asked "What was that beautiful noise I heard last night?" the head monk apologized to the man and explained "I am sorry, but I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk." the man tried again but the monk told him once again that he could not tell him. The man was disappointed but moved on with his life and went home.
10 years later he decided that he had such a great time in the mountains of Eastern Europe he would go back.
Then, one dark and stormy night the man was traveling back to his hotel when his car died. He got out of the car and opened the hood. He checked everything he could think of and couldn't find what was wrong. He pulled out his phone and discovered he had no service. He looked around and noticed the old monastery nestled in the valley between two mountains. The man realized that he had been here before. He decided that the monks had helped him before, maybe they'd help him again.
A monk opened the door and asked "Yes my child?" the man proceeded to tell the monk that he had been there 10 years previous and his car died then, and his car died again and asked if the monk could help. The monk invited the man in for dinner while the former mechanics looked at his car. The man agreed and ate the wonderful homemade soup and the wonderful homemade bread with the monks once again. The head monk came to the man at the end of dinner and told him that his car wouldn't be ready till morning, but they had a free room that he could sleep him. The man agreed and the head monk lead the man to his room.
The man opened the door and realized it was the same room. The man laid in the most comfortable bed he had laid in for ten years and quickly fell asleep. In the middle of the night he awoke once again to the most beautiful noise he had ever heard. He couldn't identify what the noise was. The noise eventually stopped and the man laid back down and went back to sleep. In the morning the head monk tapped on his door and told the man that his car was ready. The man thanked him and asked "I'm sorry but I have to ask, what was that beautiful noise I heard last night?" the head monk apologized to the man and explained once again "I am sorry, but I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk." the man tried again and again but the monk told him once again that he could not tell him. The man was disappointed and slightly angered but moved on with his life and went home.
Ten years later he decided to go back to Eastern Europe once again.
Then, on the last dark and stormy night the man was there, he was traveling back to his hotel when his car died once again. He got out of the car and opened the hood. He checked everything he could think of and couldn't find what was wrong. He pulled out his phone and discovered he had no service. He looked around and noticed the old monastery nestled in the valley between two mountains. The man realized that he had been here before. He decided that the monks had helped him before, maybe they'd help him again.
A monk opened the door and asked "Yes my child?" the man proceeded to tell the monk that he had been there 10 years previous and 20 years previous and his car died then, and his car died again and asked if the monk could help. The monk invited the man in for dinner while the former mechanics looked at his car. The man agreed and ate the wonderful homemade soup and the wonderful homemade bread with the monks once again. The head monk came to the man at the end of dinner and told him that his car wouldn't be ready till morning, but they had a free room that he could sleep him. The man agreed and the head monk lead the man to his room.
The man opened the door and realized it was the same room. The man laid in the most comfortable bed he had laid in for ten years and quickly fell asleep. In the middle of the night he awoke once again to the most beautiful noise he had ever heard. He couldn't identify what the noise was. The noise eventually stopped and the man laid back down and went back to sleep. In the morning the head monk tapped on his door and told the man that his car was ready. The man thanked him and asked "I'm sorry but I have to ask, what was that beautiful noise I heard last night?" the head monk apologized to the man and explained once again "I am sorry, but I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk." the man tried again and again but the monk told him once again that he could not tell him. The man was disappointed and slightly angered but moved on with his life and decided to go home. As the man opened his car door he turned around and knocked on the door again.
The head monk answered "Yes my child?" and the man said that he had to know what the noise was. The monk explained once again "I'm sorry but I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk." The man would not take no for an answer this time and asked the head monk what it would take to become a monk. The head monk told the man to go out and count every blade of grass on earth. And the man looked at the head monk and decided it was worth it.
For 10 long years the man traveled the world counting every blade of grass. He counted in yards, he looked in fields, and he even found some in laboratories. Sometimes the wind would blow and he'd have to start all over again and sometimes people would be mowing the grass and he'd get confused by the clippings. The man eventually found what he was sure was the correct number of blades of grass on Earth.
The man returned to the monastery and knocked on the door, the head monk answered the door "Yes my child?" the man handed the monk the count of the blades of grass and the monk looked over it and said "Yes my child, you are correct." The man jumped for joy and asked "So I'm a monk now?" and the monk said "No my child, I am sorry but you are not yet a monk, first you must count every grain of sand on Earth."
For 10 long years the man traveled the world counting every grain of sand. He counted in sandboxes, he looked in the vast deserts, and he even looked at the golf courses. Sometimes the wind would blow and he'd have to start all over again and sometimes the water would wash away the sand at the beaches. The man eventually found what he was sure was the correct number of grains of sand on Earth.
The man returned to the monastery and knocked on the door, the head monk answered the door "Yes my child?" the man handed the monk the count of the grains of sand and the monk looked over it and said "Yes my child, you are correct." The man jumped for joy and asked "So I'm a monk now?" and the monk said "No my child, I am sorry but you are not yet a monk, first you must count all the stars in the sky." The man was angry, but decided it was worth it.
For 10 long years the man traveled the world counting every star in the sky. He counted every night. Sometimes he would lose track and sometimes he'd fall asleep. The man eventually found what he was sure was the correct number of stars in the sky.
The man returned to the monastery and knocked on the door, the head monk answered the door "Yes my child?" the man handed the monk the count of the blades of grass and the monk looked over it and said "Yes my child, you are correct." The man jumped for joy and asked "So I'm a monk now?" and the monk said "Yes my child." The man asked "Well what is the beautiful noise?" the monk told him that the noise is behind the large wooden door in the main hall.
The man went to the door and pulled on the door for hours, then the door popped slightly open. The man continued to pull on the door for 3 days and then the wooden door opened.
He looked inside and saw a larger bronze door. He began pulling on the bronze door and after the man pulled on the door for a week it creaked open slightly, he kept pulling on the door for a month at the end of the month the door was open enough for him to slip through.
He looked inside and saw an even larger silver door. He began pulling on the silver door and after the man pulled on the door for a month and it creaked open slightly, he kept pulling on the door for a year at the end of the year the door was open enough for him to slip through.
He looked inside and saw a still larger gold steel door. He began pulling on the steel door and after the man pulled on the door for a year it creaked open slightly, he kept pulling on the door for years and years at the end of the decade the door was open enough for him to slip through.
He looked inside and saw an incredibly large golden door. He began pulling on the gold door and after the man pulled on the door for a decade it creaked open slightly, after all of this a crowd began to form, wanting to see the man pulling on the door forever. He kept pulling on the door for 20 long years and eventually door was open enough for him to get through and it swung smoothly out the rest of the way.
And then he saw what was making the beautiful noise.
Oh, I guess you want me to tell you what made the beautiful noise.
But I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60szi6/beautiful_noise_long/
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I want to live in a house that's shaped like a mailbox.

That way people will know that I'm outgoing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60sy5c/i_want_to_live_in_a_house_thats_shaped_like_a/
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This week I got divorced.

last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60sxuq/this_week_i_got_divorced/
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My dad has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60sws0/my_dad_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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Boy: This is the day I've been waiting for.

Girl: Will you fight with me?
Boy: I will not.
Girl: Will you stay with me my whole life.
Boy: Of course.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Never in my life.
Girl: Will you love me forever?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Sweetheart.
AFTER MARRIAGE
Read dialogue from bottom up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60swfq/boy_this_is_the_day_ive_been_waiting_for/
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It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it

I saw it with my own eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60svrv/its_true_i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_just_by/
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Racism and Nickelback are very similar

It's fun to joke about them, but you never wanna see them live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60sudb/racism_and_nickelback_are_very_similar/
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Strength vs. Intelligence

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60subv/strength_vs_intelligence/
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What did the pussy say to the men?

HYMEN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60stqv/what_did_the_pussy_say_to_the_men/
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The Trump administration just put a ban on all shredded cheese.

I guess they wanted to Make America Grate Again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60stpt/the_trump_administration_just_put_a_ban_on_all/
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PRICE CHECK ON AISLE 13

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the register, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON AISLE 13,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60stid/price_check_on_aisle_13/
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The Husband's Best Friend

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60srus/the_husbands_best_friend/
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How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten-tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60srqj/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_squid/
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Two Aliens meet at a Bar in Deep Space

Two Aliens meet in a bar in deep space.
**First Alien:** On my way here I passed a beautiful blue world, 2/3 covered by water, The dominant race have discovered Satellite technology and Harnessed the power of nuclear weapons for defense.
**Second Alien:** Interesting, so it looks like we have an emerging intelligence in the Galaxy.
**First Alien:** That is what i thought but then I realized they pointed them at themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60sqr0/two_aliens_meet_at_a_bar_in_deep_space/
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Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police?

He's now a seasoned veteran.
Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60sqmx/did_you_hear_about_the_retired_soldier_that_got/
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An officer asked me "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

So I replied, "What, have you already forgotten?"
Looking back it probably wasn't a good answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60sl08/an_officer_asked_me_do_you_know_why_i_pulled_you/
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Trump's wall will be useless since it doesn't extend into the oceans.....

Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60skm0/trumps_wall_will_be_useless_since_it_doesnt/
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I told my Family about my Wife's condition

I sent them all a group message letting them know my wife Amanda hadn't been feeling well as of late so we went to the doctor and they found a mass the size of a lemon in her.
My brother replied with his condolences and asked if the doctors knew what caused it.
That's when I replied
"Yeah, THIS DICK"
She's pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60shbk/i_told_my_family_about_my_wifes_condition/
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I can see 3 years into the future

I guess you can say I have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60seey/i_can_see_3_years_into_the_future/
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer...

Don't know what he laced it with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60s6f9/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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Redneck Joke

Two rednecks, Hunter and Cooter decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the Cooter asked.
The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor.
"That's real good!" said Cooter.
The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, Cooter said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
Cooter was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
Cooter, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied Cooter.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked Cooter.
"No," Hunter replied.
"Then you're gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60s684/redneck_joke/
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I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"

...so I turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60s2dx/i_found_a_wallet_today_and_as_a_good_christian_i/
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TIL why coal production has drastically slowed down within the past 10 years

It is believed the labor involved in this risky job was causing miner pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60s0ms/til_why_coal_production_has_drastically_slowed/
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I found out my friend is addicted to math.

I should have known. All the sines were there. He had a hard time functioning, and he would go off on tangents all the time. Such a shame - he was in his prime, his life was on a great vector. He wanted to write the next 'Matrix'. But now, he can't differentiate between what is real and what is imaginary. It's so complex. I'm afraid his problems will start to multiply exponentially, and he just doesn't understand the root of it all. Pretty soon he won't be able to integrate at all. And just to add to the trouble, those he defines as 'friends' just want to divide his space between themselves. I'm afraid soon he'll go off into the Great Unknown...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60s0kd/i_found_out_my_friend_is_addicted_to_math/
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What is always in the corner, but travels around the world?

I heard this from a co-worker today... and well... it made me really think.
A stamp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60rzj0/what_is_always_in_the_corner_but_travels_around/
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Tomorrow I'm tying the knot!

And kicking the chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60rxo7/tomorrow_im_tying_the_knot/
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What do Rick and Morty season 3 and my girlfriend have in common?

They both don't exist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60rwi9/what_do_rick_and_morty_season_3_and_my_girlfriend/
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The best part of having a threesome

Is having someone to blame the fart on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60rrhi/the_best_part_of_having_a_threesome/
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I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS.

I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60rouo/i_got_an_email_from_my_ex_telling_me_that_she_has/
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A girl bangs a calculator on the desk to make it work

Math teacher: why are you making noise
Girl: my calculator isn't working so I'm banging it to make it work
Math teacher: the calculator's gonna break, how would you like it if i banged you on the table
Whole class: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60rnk6/a_girl_bangs_a_calculator_on_the_desk_to_make_it/
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Why did the dad proton want his daughter proton to marry an electron?

So the wedding would be free of charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60rnex/why_did_the_dad_proton_want_his_daughter_proton/
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[long] A kangaroo walks into a bar...

and says to the bartender, "gimme a beer."  The bartender is stunned at the sight of a talking kangaroo and doesn't move.  The kangaroo misinterprets this and says "I have money" while putting a $20 on the bar.
The bartender snaps to his senses and serves a beer.  He takes the $20, then goes in the back room to tell the manager what's going on.  "There's a talking kangaroo at the bar!  He ordered a beer and even paid!"  he said, holding up the $20.  "What should I do?"  he then asked.
The manager, figuring this was some kind of joke, rolled his eyes and dismissively said "keep the change", then went back to his paperwork.  The bartender thought about it for a moment and realized he might as well keep the $20; what're the chances this kangaroo would know the price of a beer?
When he returned to the bar, the kangaroo was done and said "gimme another beer" and put another $20 bill on the bar.  The bartender gives him another beer and takes the money, revelling at this lucky break.  He decides to chat up the kangaroo.  "So, here on business or pleasure?"  The kangaroo glares back at him and says "just trying to unwind."  Unfazed, the bartender jokingly continues, "Don't see many talking kangaroos in here!"
"I'm not surprised, $20 a beer is a rip-off" the kangaroo replies bitterly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60rmyj/long_a_kangaroo_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do elves learn in preschool?

Not the elf-abet, no; they don't learn anything because they don't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60rkes/what_do_elves_learn_in_preschool/
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In a restaurant, a boy asks his Dad "are bugs ok to eat?" His Dad says "We don't talk about bugs while we eat. Let's discuss them later". When they are finished and waiting for their check, the Dad asks his son "now what were you asking me about?"

"Oh, nothing, really" the boy replied.   “There was a bug in your salad, but now it’s gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60rk4b/in_a_restaurant_a_boy_asks_his_dad_are_bugs_ok_to/
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I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'...

You've probably seen our posters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60rk2s/i_used_to_be_in_a_band_called_missing_cat/
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Why are black people so tall?

Because their knee grows...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60rjmq/why_are_black_people_so_tall/
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My sense of humor is so dark

It started stealing bikes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60rixf/my_sense_of_humor_is_so_dark/
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My Wife told me she was sick of my OCD

I soon put her in her place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ri2o/my_wife_told_me_she_was_sick_of_my_ocd/
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I took a Life Saver from a girl's back pocket at work.

I got fired for her ass mint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60regx/i_took_a_life_saver_from_a_girls_back_pocket_at/
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My wife was dying.

I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "Theres something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright."
"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, "Thats why I poisoned you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60rcae/my_wife_was_dying/
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An Irish guy walks out of a bar...

I mean, it could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ra31/an_irish_guy_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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So the kid one day walked into that barber shop

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, the customer leaves, and sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. He asks. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60r63p/so_the_kid_one_day_walked_into_that_barber_shop/
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What separates a sexually active adult male from a 10 year old?

A half a millimetre of latex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60r408/what_separates_a_sexually_active_adult_male_from/
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Why does Hannibal take paralysed patients to the sauna?

He's just steaming vegetables!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60r3e9/why_does_hannibal_take_paralysed_patients_to_the/
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How do you say 'motherfucker' in ancient greek?

Oedipus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60r2q2/how_do_you_say_motherfucker_in_ancient_greek/
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What's the difference between a petroleum thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The Taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60r2i9/whats_the_difference_between_a_petroleum/
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Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60r277/kid_mommy_why_am_i_getting_christmas_presents_in/
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What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60r1w5/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_two_dicks/
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What is it called when you accidentally kill one of your friends?

Homiecide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60r1lk/what_is_it_called_when_you_accidentally_kill_one/
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Two men are lost on the womens floor of a department store

The first man says to the other "my wife was trying on clothes and I've lost her, I don't know what to do!"
The second man says "Yeah, me too, let's stick together and we can try and find our wives".
"Good plan" says the first man, "what does your wife look like so I can keep eye out for her?"
The second man says "well, she's 5ft8", blond, lightly tanned skin, green eyes, she's a size 8, 32DD, I last saw her in the lingerie section. What about your wife, what does she look like?"
"Stuff my wife" says the first man, "let's find yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60qzw7/two_men_are_lost_on_the_womens_floor_of_a/
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An Italian mom visits her son and his roomate in his apartment..

... During supper, his roommate gets up and go to the bathroom and during this time her mother asks: "So, are you in a relationship with her?"
"Ugh!" replies the son, "Mamma, I told you she is just a friend.."
"Mmh Mmh.." says the mom.
The supper ends and all is jolly. A few days later, the son ask his roommate: "Hey, did you see the pasta drain? I can't find it!". After a few minutes of searching he decides to ask his mother if perhaps she took since he used it when she was here last.
" Mom, Did you by any chance take the pasta drain thingy? " To which she replies:
"If you were sleeping in your own bed like you are supposed to, you would have found it already!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60qunh/an_italian_mom_visits_her_son_and_his_roomate_in/
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Once 50 Cent fell into a well

And his wish came true

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60qryz/once_50_cent_fell_into_a_well/
%
Officer: You drinking?

Me: I don't know are you buying?
He laughed, I laughed... I need bail money
Editorial: Yes I copied this from a comment... Shhhh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60qred/officer_you_drinking/
%
It usually only takes me one drink to get completely wasted

I just can't remember if it's the 16th or the 17th

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60qr5s/it_usually_only_takes_me_one_drink_to_get/
%
I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push…

He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60qq5s/i_saw_a_lonely_little_boy_sitting_all_by_himself/
%
I like my women the way I like my coffee

Ground up and in the freezer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60qp63/i_like_my_women_the_way_i_like_my_coffee/
%
What kind of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60qmbs/what_kind_of_bagel_can_fly/
%
Ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60qk8i/ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
%
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands.

There is no cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60qg5p/ive_been_diagnosed_with_a_type_of_amnesia_where_i/
%
I flipped out my

dick in front of this beautiful girl yesterday and asked  if she liked my piercing. She stared at it for a good minute and asked where the piercing is .
I said "In my ear".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60qfne/i_flipped_out_my/
%
Only one right choice (read aloud)

I was headed to Las Vegas for a conference, and my wife asked me, "You wouldn't ever use one of those Vegas prostitutes would you?". I told her "If I won a contest at the tradeshow and I could choose between two prizes 1) Something boring like a 30 foot, foldable, extension ladder, or 2) A free, sex-filled weekend with one of the most beautiful escorts in all of Vegas, it wouldn't be a choice at all, I would go with the latter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60qcnz/only_one_right_choice_read_aloud/
%
I need some Cyanide...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into her local pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60qayc/i_need_some_cyanide/
%
A homeless man tries to sleep with a nun...

A homeless man is sitting outside of a bus station begging for change when a nun walks by.
"Hey there sexy lady! How about some love for an old homeless man?", he says.
The nun says nothing except give him a nasty look and walks away.
"Hey, buddy" says a voice behind him.
The homeless man turns around to see a bus driver leaning out of his bus.
"What do you want?" the homeless man asks.
"You really wanna sleep with that nun?" the bus driver asks, "What you need to do is go down to the Jesus statue in the park. She goes down there to pray at midnight every night."
He throws the homeless man $20. "Go down to the costume shop and pick up an angel costume and pretend you're God."
The homeless man nods and thanks the bus driver.
As it gets closer to midnight, the homeless man goes down to the
Jesus statue dressed as God and hides behind it. Exactly at midnight the nun comes down to the statue and kneels in prayer.
Right as she finished the homeless man walks around the statue and says, "Young woman, I am God and I have listened to your prayers. I only have one request and that is that I wish to sleep with you."
The nun is hesitant at first but then agrees but only if it can be anal, as she wants to keep her virginity. The homeless man agrees and they start to fuck.
Right after they finish the homeless man rips off his mask and says, "Ha! I am not God! I am the homeless man from the bus stop!"
To which the nun rips off a mask and shouts, "Ha! I am not the nun, I am the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60q92c/a_homeless_man_tries_to_sleep_with_a_nun/
%
A policeman pulls over a driver and tells him hes won $5000 in a safety competition for wearing his seatbelt

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60q8wz/a_policeman_pulls_over_a_driver_and_tells_him_hes/
%
Brexit's Worst-Case Scenario:

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovlong. Latervia. Byegium.. until EU reach the state of Germlonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60q714/brexits_worstcase_scenario/
%
"Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool."

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60q50z/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
%
Turns out dogs can't detect cancer

Cats can...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60q3do/turns_out_dogs_cant_detect_cancer/
%
A man had four sons from different mothers Brodwel,Kenneth,Conrad & Dominic

Now these guys asked their father why he gave em those names,n what do they mean?
The father replied:
Take the first three letters of your names and join em together you will find the answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60q1us/a_man_had_four_sons_from_different_mothers/
%
The first thing I notice about a woman is always her eyes.

Then once I'm sure she's not looking, her tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60pze4/the_first_thing_i_notice_about_a_woman_is_always/
%
A blonde goes golfing with her father

She is feeling good about her game recently, so she challenges her father: "If you beat me, I'll buy you dinner and drinks. If I beat you, you give me $20 to go shopping. The father agrees.
After the round, the father adds up the scores. "Ha! I beat you by 3 strokes. Let me think about what restaurant I want," he says triumphantly. The blonde grabs the scorecard to try adding it herself. Not wanting to make a mistake, she pulls out her phone and calculates it carefully.
After 10 minutes, the father is starting to get impatient. Finally the blonde looks up. "Well, did you finish adding it up?"
"Yup," she replied. "Nice try, Daddy, but I got the higher score!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60pz75/a_blonde_goes_golfing_with_her_father/
%
I used to pee my pants every time i had to talk in front of my 3rd grade class

It really killed my teaching career.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60pyem/i_used_to_pee_my_pants_every_time_i_had_to_talk/
%
√-1 2^3 ∑ Π

And it was delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60pro5/1_23_π/
%
what do you call a blind deer?

no eye deer
what do you call a blind deer without legs?
still no eye deer.
what do you call a blind deer without legs that has been castrated?
still no fucking eye deer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60pqln/what_do_you_call_a_blind_deer/
%
What's the difference between standing at the front of a moving car and standing behind it?

If you stand in front of the car, you will get tired; but if you stand behind it, you will get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60pll6/whats_the_difference_between_standing_at_the/
%
My brother always gets mad when I mess with his red wine

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now he's sangria than ever...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60pkd8/my_brother_always_gets_mad_when_i_mess_with_his/
%
I once had a fear of crossing bridges...

But I got over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60pjr1/i_once_had_a_fear_of_crossing_bridges/
%
Why didn't Donald Trump shake hands with the Chancellor of Germany?

Because Her hands were bigger than His.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60pgts/why_didnt_donald_trump_shake_hands_with_the/
%
An average person tends to be a mean person

Math joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60pgb4/an_average_person_tends_to_be_a_mean_person/
%
The Trump administration is just like NASA's Juno spacecraft

both orbit around gas giants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60pey0/the_trump_administration_is_just_like_nasas_juno/
%
Some wanker just threw a whole bottle of omega 3 over me

Luckily my injuries were just super fish oil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60pcig/some_wanker_just_threw_a_whole_bottle_of_omega_3/
%
How do you get a Russian to the legal alcohol limit?

Sober him up for a week or two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60pb0q/how_do_you_get_a_russian_to_the_legal_alcohol/
%
Every night after dinner, Merle

took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."
The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.
Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60p7is/every_night_after_dinner_merle/
%
People always tell me I shouldn't give my cat a bath...

I don't see what the big deal is. Honestly, it's fine once I get all the hair off my tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60p6ew/people_always_tell_me_i_shouldnt_give_my_cat_a/
%
Little Johnny was out selling apples raising money for his boy scout troop...

He's going door to door in an apartment complex and he knocks on one of the doors.
The door opens and there is standing the most stunning woman Johnny has ever seen completely naked.
Johnny stammers out "Good day lady.  Would you like to buy some apples?"
The woman grabs Johnny and says "Get inside quick, I hear someone coming"
One the door closes the woman looks at Johnny and says.  "So I am going to enter the Miss Universe pageant.  What do you think of my body?"
Johnny says "Lady, you got the best ears of any woman I know"
The lady is at a loss.  "I'm standing here stark naked in front of you, perfectly natural breasts, hourglass figure, spectacular ass, and a beautiful face, and you comment on my ears?!  What gives?"
So Johnny says "So do you remember when I knocked at the door?"
Lady says "Yes I do."
"And you opened the door."
"Yes."
"And I said 'Would you like to buy some apples?'"
"Yes"
"And then you pulled me inside because you said you heard someone coming"
"Yes"
"That was me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60p665/little_johnny_was_out_selling_apples_raising/
%
The doctor asks "Would you like to see the Misscarriage"?

"Of course I want to see my daughter," snaps Mr. Carriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60p4mj/the_doctor_asks_would_you_like_to_see_the/
%
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

Dam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60p31h/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_ran_into_the_wall/
%
Superman: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and more powerful than a locomotive"

Batman: "I fight a penguin and a really persistent clown"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60otuv/superman_im_faster_than_a_speeding_bullet_and/
%
Eligibility

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of going to heaven. She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?' Again, the answer was, 'NO!'
By now she was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' she asked them again. Again, they all answered, 'NO!'
By this point, the teacher was simply bursting with pride for them. 'Well,' she continued, 'then how "can* I get into Heaven?'
A five-year-old boy shouted from the back, 'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60oq66/eligibility/
%
Abraham Lincoln walks out in his garden in heaven and sees his neighbor in his own garden

Abraham: "Your grass is getting long, shouldn't you cut it?"
Neighbor: "Yeah... You know, I used to have people for that..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ooxo/abraham_lincoln_walks_out_in_his_garden_in_heaven/
%
So I was reading licence plates...

The first car was from Minnesota, had 6 numbers, and at the bottom said "10,000 Lakes". I thought to myself "They must put the State Slogan there." The next car was from Arkansas, had 6 numbers, and at the bottom, it read "Disabled"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60oo5h/so_i_was_reading_licence_plates/
%
Mummy, what's an 'orgasm' ?

I don't know. Ask your father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60omqt/mummy_whats_an_orgasm/
%
Why do Asian girls have small boobs?

Because only A's are acceptable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ol4u/why_do_asian_girls_have_small_boobs/
%
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana Have in Common?

Their last hits were the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60okqo/what_do_pink_floyd_and_princess_diana_have_in/
%
A Boy Runs Home From School

Son: "Dad! Dad! I got my first blowjob today!"
Dad: "That's great son! How was it?"
Son: "Tasted awful."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ofyw/a_boy_runs_home_from_school/
%
Why did the duck get arrested?

He got caught selling quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ofxh/why_did_the_duck_get_arrested/
%
[True story] I ordered fresh tilapia with my groceries from the supermarket, but they gave me frozen instead

Tastes like carp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60of6s/true_story_i_ordered_fresh_tilapia_with_my/
%
Depressed people with an allergy to shellfish

They must think the world is their oyster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60of5b/depressed_people_with_an_allergy_to_shellfish/
%
How do you fix a broken tuba?

With a Tuba glue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60of36/how_do_you_fix_a_broken_tuba/
%
Two windmills are in a field.

One turns to the other and asks, "What's your favorite type of music?"
"I'm a big metal fan" the other one replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60o7ol/two_windmills_are_in_a_field/
%
The realist, optimist, and pessimist find a note under their 3 empty glasses

It says "Sorry, but while you were arguing whether your drinks were half full or half empty, I drank them.
Love from the opportunist"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60o7hl/the_realist_optimist_and_pessimist_find_a_note/
%
I was walking along the train station one day and I saw a man standing on the platform about to jump off

I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well... are you Catholic or Orthodox?" He said, "Orthodox."
I said, "Me too! Are you Ukrainian Orthodox-Kyivan Patriarchate or Ukrainian Orthodox-Moscow Patriarchate?" He said, "Ukrainian Orthodox-Kyivan Patriarchate."
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Ukrainian Orthodox-Kyivan Patriarchate with pews or Ukrainian Orthodox-Kyivan Patriarchate without pews?" He said, "Ukrainian Orthodox-Kyivan Patriarchate without pews."
I said, "Amazing! Me, too! Are you Ukrainian Orthodox-Kyivan Patriarchate without pews whose priests are clean-shaven or Ukrainian Orthodox-Kyivan Patriarchate without pews whose priests are bearded?" He said, "Ukrainian Orthodox-Kyivan Patriarchate without pews whose priests are clean-shaven."
I said, "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60o4uh/i_was_walking_along_the_train_station_one_day_and/
%
Ghandi

Mahatma Gandhi lived a strange life
Because of his odd diet, he was plagued by a constant case of bad breath. This diet also left him rather thin and frail.
Because he didn't wear shoes, and he walked everywhere, he developed an impressively thick set of calluses on the soles of his feet.
All-in-all, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60o0tl/ghandi/
%
How do trees feel in the springtime?

Re-leaved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60o0iq/how_do_trees_feel_in_the_springtime/
%
Hitler was bored

One day hitler was visiting one of his prisonercamps and he got a bit bored. He ordered a sergeant to bring in 3 prisoners and let them into his office one by one .
The first one arrived and he spoke to him .
Hitler: I'm going to ask you 3 questions , get them all right and you're free to go . First one is , what animal is on my cap?
Prisoner 1: A bird!
Hitler: Question 2 , What kind of bird?
Prisoner 1 : A hawk?
Hitler : Wrong ! to the gaschambers with you!
And so the second prisoners enters his office and he asks the same question.
Hitler : I'm going to ask you 3 questions , get them all right and you're free to go . First one is , what animal is on my cap?
Prisoner 2 : A bird!
Hitler : Question 2 , what kind of bird?
Prisoner 2 : An eagle!
Hitler : Good good , final question . Is it male or female?
Prisoner 2 : uhm... Female?
Hitler : Wrong ! to the gaschambers with you!
And so the final prisoner enters the office and Hitler asks his questions again .
Hitler : I'm going to ask you 3 questions , get them all right and you're free to go . First one is , what animal is on my cap?
Prisoner 3 : A bird!
Hitler : Question 2 , what kind of bird?
Prisoner 3 : An eagle!
Hitler : Good good , final question . Is it male or female?
Prisoner 3 without any doubt at all : Male!
Hitler : That's amazing, but how did you know?
Prisoner 3 : I could see the dick beneath it .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ny4x/hitler_was_bored/
%
If Texas makes masturbation illegal...

a lot of people will take the law into their own hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nxk9/if_texas_makes_masturbation_illegal/
%
Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak?

Because it was /r/aww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nway/why_didnt_gordon_ramsay_upvote_the_picture_of_the/
%
A millionaire and his wife

lead a lavish lifestyle, until one day the guy lost everything in a shady investment. That night he went home and explained their diminished financial status to his wife.
"Since we need to start saving, you should learn to cook so we can let go of our personal chef."
"That's fine," she said. "If you can learn how to fuck we can fire the Gardner, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nsgl/a_millionaire_and_his_wife/
%
Boy sent a text to her girlfriend - Ready for tonight, Babe? You're going to use that mouth so hard.

Reply: I am Amy's father, and what is she going to do with her mouth?
Boy: Oh, she didn't tell you?
Father: What?
Boy: It's Karaoke night!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nq2q/boy_sent_a_text_to_her_girlfriend_ready_for/
%
People with Parkinson's Disease...

...are really good at making margaritas but terrible at stealing tambourines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nnnr/people_with_parkinsons_disease/
%
An African, an Indian and a Chinese...

were hiking in the rainforest when they were captured by a tribe of savages. All tied up and about to be killed the chief told them the only way he'll let them go is if their dicks add up to 20 inches in length. The African whips his out and and it's an impressive 11 inches, the Indian pulls his out and it's 8 inches. They feel confident...just one inch away from being freed...down to the Chinese guy now. He pulls it out and it's exactly one inch. The chief sighs and lets them go.
They walk away and start talking about the experience and the African brags and says "if it wasn't for my massive 11 inches we'll all be dead." The Indian says "hey my eight inches counted just as much"...the Chinese guy shuts them both up and said, "you motherfuckers lucky I was able to get erection right then"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nmk5/an_african_an_indian_and_a_chinese/
%
I like my puns like my sausage...

The wurst ones are the best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nm8e/i_like_my_puns_like_my_sausage/
%
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nlja/a_very_elderly_couple_is_having_an_elegant_dinner/
%
I used the ramp...

because i felt inclined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nkw9/i_used_the_ramp/
%
So this is a joke you tell to your male friend...

There are 3 midgets and they all decide that they want to break some world records.
The first midget says he wants to have the worlds smallest hands, so he goes into the room and comes back out cheering because he broke the record.
The second midget says he wants to be the shortest midget ever, so he goes into the room and comes back out cheering because he broke the record and is the shortest midget.
The third midget says he wants to have the worlds smallest penis, so he goes in the room and comes out with a very disappointed face.
"What's wrong?" Says the one the the midgets.
"Who the hell is (insert friends name here)?" Says the third midget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60njym/so_this_is_a_joke_you_tell_to_your_male_friend/
%
Never Hit A Guy With Glasses

Hit him with a baseball bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nfos/never_hit_a_guy_with_glasses/
%
Whats at the bottom of the ocean and shakes a lot?

A nervous wreck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nf5q/whats_at_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_and_shakes_a_lot/
%
What do you call a guy with no phone?

You don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60neiz/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_phone/
%
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nbz3/the_son_went_to_his_dad_and_asked_him_dad_whats/
%
Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.
One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"
God sighs. "Muslim extremists. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden did it."
His friend leans down and whispers, "Damn, dude. This thing goes way higher up than we ever realized."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nbw2/two_911_conspiracy_theorists_are_in_a_plane_when/
%
What kind of music do chickens like best?

Bach!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nayf/what_kind_of_music_do_chickens_like_best/
%
I once tried looking for images of Gary Oldman on Google

I had quite a shock when I realised I had forgotten the 'r' in Gary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nasv/i_once_tried_looking_for_images_of_gary_oldman_on/
%
Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “arguments” and confrontations.
One day, Mr Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, “Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.”
Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.
Mr Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. “Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?”
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.”
Mr Peters, smiling sarcastically said, “I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don’t you think?”
Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have.”
Mr Peters, by this time, was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.
A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, “Mr Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60nasf/mahatma_gandhis_sass/
%
I found out about this cool underground band called The Beatles.

Well actually only about half of them are underground at the moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60namg/i_found_out_about_this_cool_underground_band/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60n8l2/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
%
Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60n7x3/hi_my_name_is_bill_gates_and_today_i_will_be/
%
American beers are like sex on a boat.

Fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60n4te/american_beers_are_like_sex_on_a_boat/
%
Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?

Because he was fucking ugly, that's why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60mz7e/why_didnt_the_skeleton_go_to_prom/
%
I like birthdays...

But too many can kill you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60mxf3/i_like_birthdays/
%
No one laughs at my jokes...

I guess this is how Amy Schumer feels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60mver/no_one_laughs_at_my_jokes/
%
A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60mrsr/a_thief_stole_my_wifes_credit_card/
%
An elderly couple had been dating for some time.

Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.   They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.   "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.   "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."   The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Was that one word or two?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60mrke/an_elderly_couple_had_been_dating_for_some_time/
%
I had to give up my career in tarot cards reading..

There was no future in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60mpui/i_had_to_give_up_my_career_in_tarot_cards_reading/
%
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60mlpq/what_happens_to_a_frogs_car_when_it_breaks_down/
%
I've just downloaded a copy of the Bible from the internet…

When I'd finished, it said, "Saved."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60mkdf/ive_just_downloaded_a_copy_of_the_bible_from_the/
%
Why is asprin white?

Because it works

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60mfd6/why_is_asprin_white/
%
How do you get over the fear of elevators?

Just take some steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60mc8c/how_do_you_get_over_the_fear_of_elevators/
%
The fact that president Obama needs four inches of bullet proof glass at every public speaking event, is proof that racism is still alive

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60m9m2/the_fact_that_president_obama_needs_four_inches/
%
A black third grader goes to his mom and asks...

“Mom, I have the biggest dick in the third grade. Is that because I’m black?”
She replies, “No. It’s because you’re 19.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60m71w/a_black_third_grader_goes_to_his_mom_and_asks/
%
Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60m6px/isnt_it_great_to_live_in_the_21st_century/
%
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the ninth grade, which one is the hottest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60m66y/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all_in_the/
%
Jesus Christ may have fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish...

but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60m60n/jesus_christ_may_have_fed_2000_people_with_5/
%
What do you call a flower that had a sex change?

A transplant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60m5cl/what_do_you_call_a_flower_that_had_a_sex_change/
%
A nurse finds a thermometer in her front pocket...

and thinks to herself, some asshole has my pen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60m1cy/a_nurse_finds_a_thermometer_in_her_front_pocket/
%
Teacher, "Why is your cat in class today?"

Kid, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom, "I'm going to eat that pussy once our son leaves for school today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60lz6a/teacher_why_is_your_cat_in_class_today/
%
Someone came to my library and asked for help finding a where's Waldo book

I told them they weren't ready

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60lxtd/someone_came_to_my_library_and_asked_for_help/
%
My car ran out of gas, and then started hugging everyone...

It was on E

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60lvvf/my_car_ran_out_of_gas_and_then_started_hugging/
%
Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg responds, "No, but I know exactly where I am!"
The cop, being slightly confused, says, "What does that matter? You were going 95 miles per hour!"
"Well, great," Heisenberg says angrily, "Now I'm lost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60lvq6/heisenberg_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
Who cares if you pee in the shower?!

The bride and all her guests, apparently...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60lvfu/who_cares_if_you_pee_in_the_shower/
%
Why did I rape a salad?

The way it was dressed, it was practically asking for it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60lsii/why_did_i_rape_a_salad/
%
What sound do French chickens make when they lay eggs?

OEUF!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60lpbr/what_sound_do_french_chickens_make_when_they_lay/
%
So I'm single again...

Finally told my blind ex we got to stop seeing each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ln3y/so_im_single_again/
%
Did you hear about that guy in Texas?

His wife was in labor and about to give birth, meanwhile he's bragging to everyone around. "I'm gonna have the biggest baby ever birthed." "Whats the biggest baby you've ever delivered?" He continued on like that for a while until the doctor became annoyed with him, and told him to wait in the lobby. He spouted the same nonsense there too. A little while later, the nurse comes out and approaches the guy. "Sir, congratulations, your wife has given birth to a baby girl, she weighs 13 pounds!" Everyone in the lobby is shocked, the guy says "I knew we'd have the biggest baby, when can I see her?" The nurse says the doctor still has work to do, and he can see her shortly. After a little while longer, the doctor comes out and says "Sir, you've had twins! Your wife just gave birth to a 14 pound boy!" Again, everyone is shocked. The doctor asks "Whats your secret?" The man says "Well, I've got a cock like a stove pipe" The doctor laughs and says "Well you'd better clear all the soot out, because they're both black!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60lizj/did_you_hear_about_that_guy_in_texas/
%
A man was stopped for speeding

A man was driving along an overpass and was caught in a speed trap by a police officer with a radar gun. He admitted he was speeding, apologized, and told the officer that the reason he was speeding was that he did not want to be late for work. The officer wrote the ticket, explained the details of his appearance, and told the man he was free to go. The man thanked the officer politely and wished him a good day. Since the man had been so pleasant to deal with, unlike many of the people he stopped, the officer asked the man what his job was. "Oh, I'm a rectum stretcher".  The officer looked puzzled, so the man explained. He said, "We take the rectum from a freshly deceased horse, and carefully stretch it out using a proprietary process and chemicals. We stretch them out to various sizes, foot long, yard long, and we even have a process to stretch them as much as six feet". The officer gave him a confused look and asked, "What do you do with a six foot horse rectum?" The man started his car as he replied, "Give him a radar gun and stick him on an overpass", then drove away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60lixu/a_man_was_stopped_for_speeding/
%
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

Because they're always taking things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60lhlg/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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Cannibal [kan-uh-buhl]

n. Someone who is fed up with people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60lgdh/cannibal_kanuhbuhl/
%
What do you call a Turk who wakes up hungover with a sore ass after a long night with a hooker?

Mustaf bin Atrani

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60lf9f/what_do_you_call_a_turk_who_wakes_up_hungover/
%
What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60leha/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_cant_draw/
%
A farmer has three daughters when they were finally allowed to date it went something like this.

First daughter..... Guy knocks on the door and says "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo and take her to a show is she ready to go?" Second daughter.... Guy knocks on the door and says, "hi I'm Eddie I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?" Third daughter.... Guy knocks on the door and says "hi my name is CHUCK!" Dad promptly slams the door!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60left/a_farmer_has_three_daughters_when_they_were/
%
I rear ended a car this morning...

... the start of a really bad
day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a
dwarf. He glared up at me and said, “I am NOT happy!”
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you, then?"
And that’s how the fight started..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ldav/i_rear_ended_a_car_this_morning/
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Lawyer

A lawyer gets in a car accident. He calls the cops.  When they arrived they ask him what happened. He said "some jackass sped past me as I was opening the door to my Porsche; he hit it and tore it off!" Then the officer says "boy, you lawyers are all the same.  So concerned about your Porsche, you didn't even notice that your left arm got torn off."  The lawyer responds, "My left arm? Oh no, my rolex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60lcxz/lawyer/
%
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60l9lo/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
%
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a hooker with diarrhea?

The oyster shucks between fits, and...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60l88n/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
%
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the parking lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60l87t/just_after_my_wife_had_given_birth_i_asked_the/
%
I have an EpiPen...

My buddy gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60l6lz/i_have_an_epipen/
%
Choose a new password :

potato
Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.
boiled potato
Sorry, password must contain at least one number.
1 boiled potato
Sorry, password cannot contain spaces
50fuckingboiledpotatoes
Sorry, password must contain capital letters.
50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes
Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.
IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.
NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account. Choose a new password :

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60l5w3/choose_a_new_password/
%
The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many jokes about perfect vision.

I can see it now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60l2od/the_year_2020_is_going_to_be_filled_with_so_many/
%
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60l007/a_man_is_buying_a_banana_an_apple_and_two_eggs/
%
A phone call home...

A Brazilian football (soccer) star is on international commitments, representing Brazil at the World Cup far from home.  He takes a few moments to speak to his family.
"So, how's things at home?" he asks.
"Terrible!", his mother replies.  "We have no money.  Your father is unemployed and drinking himself to death.  Your grandfather was mugged and left for dead by a gang of armed toddlers.  Your older brother has joined a gang, your younger brother is a racist drug addict, and your 14 year old sister has dropped out of school to raise three kids by three different dads and is working as a prostitute to pay for it all.  And to top it all off, our car was vandalised for the third time this week and a disabled old man set our neighbour's house on fire!"
"Oh, that's awful.  I don't know what to say!", he responds.
His mother paused for a moment, then told him: "Son, you don't have to say anything.  But it's your fault that you signed for Celtic and we all had to move to Glasgow in the first place!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60kwnn/a_phone_call_home/
%
Why does Donald Trump like scan-to-email?

Because it's an alternative fax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60kt5z/why_does_donald_trump_like_scantoemail/
%
There once was a man named Dave who kept a dead whore in a cave...

He said "What the hell, I'll admit there's a smell, but think of the money I save!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ksey/there_once_was_a_man_named_dave_who_kept_a_dead/
%
The Bet

Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it.
The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60kpk8/the_bet/
%
Camping sex

Is fucking in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60kp0e/camping_sex/
%
Why are women such good archaeologists?

Because they love digging up the past

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60kmuu/why_are_women_such_good_archaeologists/
%
Why aren't there any cats on Mars?

Because curiosity killed the cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60kkpj/why_arent_there_any_cats_on_mars/
%
What does Hurricane Katrina and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They have both swallowed hundreds of black kids :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60kkkw/what_does_hurricane_katrina_and_kim_kardashian/
%
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

"Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60kkgo/what_was_the_first_thing_adam_said_to_eve/
%
Communist jokes are not funny...

not unless every gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60kjqv/communist_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
Why is it that when a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls he is a player...

But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys i'm not one of them?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60kjbx/why_is_it_that_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_a_bunch_of/
%
What is it called when Bill Gates breathes out?

Microsoft Exhale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60kivl/what_is_it_called_when_bill_gates_breathes_out/
%
9/11 jokes aren't funny.

The other 2 however, are hilarious!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60khe7/911_jokes_arent_funny/
%
What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60kdtr/whats_the_difference_between_a_sniper_with_bad/
%
Educated Sons

1st son : Degree in Economics.
2nd son: MBA.
3rd son : PhD
4th son : Thief
Neighbour: Why can’t you throw the
4th son out of your house?
Father : He is the only one earning money. The rest are unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60k9ud/educated_sons/
%
Criminal activity report

I read this morning that someone pick pocketed a midget. How could someone stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60k9n5/criminal_activity_report/
%
What do TLC and fetty wap have in common?

Left eyes dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60k6f2/what_do_tlc_and_fetty_wap_have_in_common/
%
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?

Check for fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jxg1/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_a_snowstorm/
%
Someone put a bounty on Schrodinger's cat,

It said, "Wanted, dead and alive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jwfy/someone_put_a_bounty_on_schrodingers_cat/
%
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay

I'm worried I'm secretly a giant spider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jw3w/so_many_homophobes_turn_out_to_be_secretly_gay/
%
How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jvqi/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Nurse walks in and says, "Doc, what are you doing?"

Doctor says, "I'm writing a prescription."
Nurse says, "But you're holding your thermometer."
He says, "Jesus Christ, some asshole's got my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jvgy/nurse_walks_in_and_says_doc_what_are_you_doing/
%
What's the difference between "loose" and "loser"?

One describes your mom and the other describes your dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jutz/whats_the_difference_between_loose_and_loser/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jsgb/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One..... or two?  One, or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jqb2/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Man yelling at TV

Man is watching TV when he starts yelling: “No! Don't go there! Don't do it! You stupid fool!”
His wife asks him: “What are you watching?”
“Just our wedding video.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jnh1/man_yelling_at_tv/
%
What's the difference between gray and grey?

One is a color, the other is a colour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jmrk/whats_the_difference_between_gray_and_grey/
%
Guy walks into a bar and there's a gorilla sitting in the corner.

Guy says to the bartender, "What's with the gorilla?"
Bartender says, "I'll show ya." .
The bartender walks over with a baseball bat and smashes the gorilla right in the nose. The gorilla gets on his knees and gives the bartender a blow job.
Bartender says, "What do ya think?"
Guy says, "That's great."
Bartender asks, "You wanna try?"
Guy says, "Sure, but don't hit me so hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jm4j/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_theres_a_gorilla_sitting/
%
Why did Jeffery Dahmer have a blender on his front porch?

So he could greet you with a handshake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jjr1/why_did_jeffery_dahmer_have_a_blender_on_his/
%
Pierre the French fighter pilot

has a few days off and he decides to take his girlfriend, Camille, down to the lake for a picnic.
They've had their fill of food and plenty of wine and are laying down looking up at the sky when Camille leans over and whispers in Pierre's ear, "Pierre, I love you so much; would you kiss me on the lips?"
He responds "Ok my love" and then reaches into the hamper, pulls out the bottle of red wine, pours some over her face and starts kissing her.
She starts spluttering and exclaims "Pierre, what are you doing?!"
"My love, I am Pierre the French fighter pilot; when I have red meat, I have red wine"
She accepts this and lets him continue.
This goes on for a bit until Camille whispers in his ear, "Pierre, I love you very much; would you kiss me on the bosom?"
"Ok my love"
He then reaches into the hamper and pulls out the bottle of white wine, pours it all over her tits and then starts kissing away.
Shocked by this, Camille says to him, "Pierre, what are you doing?!"
"My love, I am Pierre the French fighter pilot; when I have white meat I have white wine."
Amazingly, she accepts this and allows him to continue.
They're really getting into it and Camille once again whispers into Pierre's ear, "Pierre, I love you so very very much; would you kiss me between the legs?"
"Ok my love"
Then he reaches into the hamper pulls out a bottle of French brandy, pours it all over her pussy and lights it!!!
She jumps up, screaming, runs down to the lake to dowse the flames. She then screams at Pierre "PIERRE, YOU FUCKING CRAZY BASTARD; WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!!"
"My love, I am Pierre the French fighter pilot; when I go down, I go down in flames"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jj7y/pierre_the_french_fighter_pilot/
%
Where did Timmy go after the explosion?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jhtc/where_did_timmy_go_after_the_explosion/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jhhv/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
I met an squirrel at the bus stop

He was standing there with 2 flashlights.
I asked him why he had them with him.
"To scare away the wolfs", he said.
"But, we are in the middle of the city, there are no wolfs here..."
"Told you it works!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jghj/i_met_an_squirrel_at_the_bus_stop/
%
two men walk into a bar

the second one says, "I didn't see it either"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jfke/two_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What's faster than your butthole closing after taking a shit?

The single drop of water that always makes its way in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jf9e/whats_faster_than_your_butthole_closing_after/
%
Roses are red

9/11 was an inside job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jdxg/roses_are_red/
%
If a homie kills another homie

It's a homiecide?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jdun/if_a_homie_kills_another_homie/
%
Did you hear about that movie they were making called "Constipation"?

It never came out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60jbxv/did_you_hear_about_that_movie_they_were_making/
%
What is Hitler's favourite video game..?

Mein Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60javi/what_is_hitlers_favourite_video_game/
%
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for married men

Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60j8yd/playboy_is_coming_out_with_a_new_magazine_for/
%
Give a man a 6 pack of beer, he'll drink for a night

Teach a man to 6 pack of beer, heffll drolmk frj s kide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60j81w/give_a_man_a_6_pack_of_beer_hell_drink_for_a_night/
%
[NSFW] Whats the difference between a rooster and a hooker?

A rooster goes "Cock-a-doodle-do!"
A hooker goes "Any cock will do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60j43h/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_a/
%
What is the German word for Bra?

Datshudstopemfrumfloppen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60j41v/what_is_the_german_word_for_bra/
%
I lost my son to an incurable disease.

Or "his wife" as he calls her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60j2rx/i_lost_my_son_to_an_incurable_disease/
%
How do you tell the gender of a mushroom?

It's either a fungi, or fungal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60j22p/how_do_you_tell_the_gender_of_a_mushroom/
%
Slow Torture

I’ve been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days.
It’s on its last legs now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60j05i/slow_torture/
%
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me
downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60izey/dorothy_and_edna_two_senior_widows_are_talking/
%
A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.
The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."
The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?"
The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?"
Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ivsm/a_lawyer_gets_pulled_over_by_a_police_officer/
%
How do you top a car?

Tep on the brake tupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60iq2h/how_do_you_top_a_car/
%
A physician, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the politician spoke up. "Yes," he said,
"But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ip6a/a_physician_an_engineer_and_a_politician_were/
%
What is similar about me and neutrinos?

We are both constantly penetrating your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60in48/what_is_similar_about_me_and_neutrinos/
%
What was Jared from Subway's fitness goal?

Getting in to smaller pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60im04/what_was_jared_from_subways_fitness_goal/
%
A man tells his wife to run an errand

He says to his wife "Go to the store and pick up some broccoli."
So she heads to the local super market in search of the broccoli.
When she gets there she asks a man at the front desk
"Excuse me sir, where is the broccoli?"
He says "I'm sorry ma'am were out of broccoli."
"Out of broccoli?" she says "That's impossible."
She figures that the man is just being lazy and doesn't want to tell her, so she heads to vegetable isle and finds another worker.
"Excuse me sir do you know where the broccoli is?"
He turns around and it's the same guy from before
"Ma'am I already told you, we don't have any broccoli."
Annoyed and ready to go home, the woman decides to check the frozen foods isle. She finds a man who is standing on a ladder and asks him the same question
"Excuse me sir, where is the broccoli?"
It's the same exact guy from before. This time he responds with something different.
"Do you know how to spell cat, as in cat nip?"
"Why of course I do." The woman replies, "C a t, Cat."
"Good, now do you know how to spell light as in lightning?"
"Do you think i'm stupid?" she responds "L i g h t, Light."
"Now, do you know how to spell Fuck as in broccoli?"
Confused, the woman responds "There's no fuck in broccoli."
The man says "That's what i've been trying to tell you the whole time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60iljn/a_man_tells_his_wife_to_run_an_errand/
%
I can have sex with my girlfriend for 1 hour and 30 seconds...

Thanks daylight savings!
(Idk if this has been posted here before :p)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ilfz/i_can_have_sex_with_my_girlfriend_for_1_hour_and/
%
Can we have a moment of silence for Mr. Finnegan?

He was married for 50 years, the poor guy deserves at least one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60iird/can_we_have_a_moment_of_silence_for_mr_finnegan/
%
I was up late last night trying to make a belt out of wristwatches...

It turned out to be a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60igmq/i_was_up_late_last_night_trying_to_make_a_belt/
%
This morning on the way to work I wasn't paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. The dwarf said "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ier1/this_morning_on_the_way_to_work_i_wasnt_paying/
%
What do you call a gang with OCD?

Organized Crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ie65/what_do_you_call_a_gang_with_ocd/
%
They call it the circle of life, why?

Because it's fucking pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60idyo/they_call_it_the_circle_of_life_why/
%
If Jesus died for our sins

Who died for our cos and tan then?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ibr5/if_jesus_died_for_our_sins/
%
I met a guy with five penises

His underwear fits him like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60iaq9/i_met_a_guy_with_five_penises/
%
A man and his girlfriend were driving in their car.

The girlfriend (in the passenger seat) start to remove her top and then trousers. As this is happening the man is finding it harder and harder to keep his eyes on the road. But the time the girlfriend is naked, the man hasn't looked at the road for some time. All of a sudden they hit a bend and smash into a tree. In the crash the car has bent and buckled and has pinned the man in his seat but the woman is free but completely naked.
"You need to get help" said the man
"But I am completely naked" said the girlfriend
The man manages to reach his shoes and passes it to his girlfriend
"Here, take this and cover yourself"
The girlfriend uses the shoe to cover her downstairs and runs off to find help. After searching for a while, she runs into a dog walker.
"Please, you have to help my boyfriend! We have had an accident and now he is stuck!"
The dog walker looks down at the shoe and back at her and he says
"Sorry lady, if he is stuck up that far you are never getting him back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60i96g/a_man_and_his_girlfriend_were_driving_in_their_car/
%
What does Jewish Superman say when he takes off ?

Up Up and Oy Vey !
(For some reason this is just fun to say out loud)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60i919/what_does_jewish_superman_say_when_he_takes_off/
%
I once thought I was wrong.

But I was mistaken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60i8bj/i_once_thought_i_was_wrong/
%
What game do children play in Africa?

Don't Starve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60i7pm/what_game_do_children_play_in_africa/
%
What do you call an issue with the graph of a quadratic formula?

A parabolem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60i5ne/what_do_you_call_an_issue_with_the_graph_of_a/
%
What's 7 inches and hasn't been sucked in 2 years?

whitney houstons crack pipe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60i4u3/whats_7_inches_and_hasnt_been_sucked_in_2_years/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60i3q3/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
What did the fish say when he hit the wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60i2zv/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_hit_the_wall/
%
What do you call a Mexican on a bike?

A bmxican

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60i1s9/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_on_a_bike/
%
My doctor told me today I need to watch what I'm drinking

Now I drink in front of a mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60i11h/my_doctor_told_me_today_i_need_to_watch_what_im/
%
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hzx0/how_does_the_man_on_the_moon_cut_his_hair/
%
I went to the doctor the other day

He said that I needed to stop masturbating.
I asked "Why? I'm a normal 22 year old man, it shouldn't be an issue".
He said "Yeah but I'm trying to examine you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hzsl/i_went_to_the_doctor_the_other_day/
%
A mathematician meets a homeless man outside his favorite bar

, and the homeless man recognizes him immediately.
The homeless man say hello, and they strike up a conversation. Somewhere in the conversation, they have a bet: whoever memorizes all the digits in pi first gets $100 dollars.
The mathematician and the homeless man part ways, and one week later they meet up outside the same bar. The mathematician, hoping to fool the homeless man into trying to memorize pi said, "pi is irrational, and continues on forever. No one wins the bet."
However, the homeless man is shaking his head. He says, "I memorized every digit in pi."
The mathematician says, "you can't have, it's impossible. Tell me all the digits then."
The homeless man says, "0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9. I just don't have the right order."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hzmy/a_mathematician_meets_a_homeless_man_outside_his/
%
Twelve-year-old Timmy was talking with his classmate, Lisa...

Timmy: "Hey Lisa, I'll give you a dollar if we can go in the closet and you let me stick my finger in your belly button."
Lisa: "Okay."
They go into the dark closet.
Lisa: "Hey Timmy! That's not my belly button!"
Timmy: "That's okay. That's not my finger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hxvl/twelveyearold_timmy_was_talking_with_his/
%
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to say the word unionized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60httj/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
%
How many frat boys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they prefer Natural Light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hszm/how_many_frat_boys_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
I just finished writing a book on what it takes to create a global clothing company...

It's an International Vest-Seller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hryj/i_just_finished_writing_a_book_on_what_it_takes/
%
So, God, Jesus, Mohammed and Allah are having an orgy...

... Holy fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hqpx/so_god_jesus_mohammed_and_allah_are_having_an_orgy/
%
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hq3n/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
%
A physics student was standing on top of a building, threatening to jump

I tried to talk him out of it, because he had so much potential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hpz2/a_physics_student_was_standing_on_top_of_a/
%
I didn't know which board game to buy, so I chose at random...

It was worth taking the risk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hjst/i_didnt_know_which_board_game_to_buy_so_i_chose/
%
How many fuck boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because it's always lit fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hi8e/how_many_fuck_boys_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
The pessimist sees a dark tunnel...

The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hhbh/the_pessimist_sees_a_dark_tunnel/
%
Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hggt/hillarys_emails_would_make_the_perfect/
%
I stole a bike

And then got accused of cultural appropriation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hg4j/i_stole_a_bike/
%
According to a recent national poll, American's least favourite colour is...

Brown.
(Poll conducted by the Federal Elections Commission)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60hcsw/according_to_a_recent_national_poll_americans/
%
What do you call a white man having a seizure on the dance floor?

An improvement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60h7s1/what_do_you_call_a_white_man_having_a_seizure_on/
%
Tank tops shouldn't be against school dress codes

After all, we have a right to bare arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60h5yb/tank_tops_shouldnt_be_against_school_dress_codes/
%
What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60h5y5/whats_beethovens_favorite_fruit/
%
What's the difference between a good joke

and a bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60h4a5/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke/
%
I awarded myself "Best bang of the year".

I still don't know why my girlfriend won't speak to me, all of her friends agreed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60h457/i_awarded_myself_best_bang_of_the_year/
%
The way I play blackjack is just like my love life...

I always hit on 16!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60h37k/the_way_i_play_blackjack_is_just_like_my_love_life/
%
What does Monopoly and this sub have in common?

Both keep reusing the same ideas and people still buy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60h2d4/what_does_monopoly_and_this_sub_have_in_common/
%
What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic

You have to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60h27e/whats_the_worst_part_about_locking_your_keys_in/
%
A little girl asks her father where people came from.

He explained about Adam and Eve and they were our original ancestors and they had babies and that's where we came from.
Later that day the girl asked her Mom who explained that their ancestors were monkeys and apes and humans evolved from the monkeys. "So, our relatives are monkeys?"  "That's right, dear"
Now the little girl was angry and stomped into the living room to see her Dad and told him what her Mom said.  "You lied to me!" the little girl shouted at him.
No I didn't honey.  Your Mom was talking about her side of the family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60h0pm/a_little_girl_asks_her_father_where_people_came/
%
A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school .

Teacher : Whats your name ?
Boy : Zain.
Teacher : No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today. Boy went home and his mother asked: How was the day Zain?
Boy : I am an American now, so call me Johnny. Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised .
Teacher : What happened Johnny ?
Boy: Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60gyk8/a_pakistani_boy_took_admission_in_an_american/
%
Did hear about the choir singer with augmented breasts?

She had a great falsetto!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60gxzt/did_hear_about_the_choir_singer_with_augmented/
%
A guy walks into a bar

And steps straight to the bartender and says: I heard that you are the meanest bartender around and everyone is afraid of you.
Bartender: If they say so, its true.
The man exclaims: Well im not afraid of you one bit and can do everything better than you.
Bartender: Is that so?
The man: Yes, and i bet 500$ that i could pee into the  beer glass and no drop of urine would be spilt.
Bartender: Deal.
And so the man unzips his pants, targets the glass and pees everywhere around but the glass, some of it also got on the bartender.
The bartender was happy to get 500$ so easily took the mans money and the man left.
A few minutes later he steps back in counting money.
The bartender asks him: What are you doing?
The man: Well you see, i made a bet with my friends saying that i'd get 1000$ by pissing on a guy everybody is afraid of and he'll be pleased about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60gupf/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I just married again after a divorce...

It was a wife changing experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60guow/i_just_married_again_after_a_divorce/
%
A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are stuck on a desert island.

A can of beans washes up on shore, and they begin deliberating how best to open the can. The physicist starts calculating the height and force with which the can must be dropped to break it open, but the other two object as they will then have sand mixed with the beans. Next the chemist begins calculating how long the can must be soaked in salt water in order to corrode the can open, but the other two object as they will then have salt water in the beans. Finally, the economist says, "Okay, I've got it. Assume we have a can opener."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60gujz/a_physicist_a_chemist_and_an_economist_are_stuck/
%
Don't eat chicken sandwiches... No matter what ! !

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends; every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she showed him...  He looked and said, "That's right.You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60guh7/dont_eat_chicken_sandwiches_no_matter_what/
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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...
The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60gst1/an_afghan_an_albanian_an_algerian_an_american_an/
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They say the person who left the car running in the closed garage committed suicide, but....

I'd say the cause of death was exhaustion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60gr0g/they_say_the_person_who_left_the_car_running_in/
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What happens when Russia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, Armenia, Ukraine and Latvia get back together?

A Soviet reunion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60gpxl/what_happens_when_russia_belarus_kazakhstan/
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I'm writing a southern rock song about chicken eggs...

...it's called "Prebird"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60goxc/im_writing_a_southern_rock_song_about_chicken_eggs/
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An American backpacker stumbles upon a patch of magic mushrooms while traveling through the jungle.

He decides to make his adventure even more adventurous and eats the mushrooms.
A couple minutes later, everything starts to seem vibrant and oddly colorful.
He starts to hallucinate.
He follows what appears to be a trail and runs into a French chameleon.
The chameleon says "bonjour monsieur!".
The traveler smiles with wide eyes having never felt this kind of high.
He couldn't speak french, so he moves on a bit baffled without responding.
A couple minutes down to trail, the traveler starts feeling dizzy and develops and slight stomach ache.
A Spanish salamander appears.
The salamander says "Hola señor! Todo bien?"
The traveler says "hola" in response, but did not know any Spanish beyond that.
He continued on his way.
The dizziness and stomach pains quickly become unbearable.
The traveler vomits and collapses under a tree.
His breathing is heavy.
The thought of death starts looming in his nauseous mind.
He is trying his best to keep his teary eyes open, hoping it will keep him alive until the high wears off.
Out of nowhere, A British gecko appears.
The gecko says "So sorry old chap, you had some poisonous mushrooms, you'll be gone in a short bit, but I do have good news though."
With a weak breathe, the traveler mutters "whats the good news?"
The Gecko says
"I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60gnkn/an_american_backpacker_stumbles_upon_a_patch_of/
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Why did Mohammed's wife leave?

Because he couldn't bring home the bacon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ginb/why_did_mohammeds_wife_leave/
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Donald Trump goes to Germany

Donald Trump is on his first state visit to Angela Merkel in Berlin.
After a bit of small talk, he asks Merkel, which is the secret of her great success.
Merkel tells him that you only have to have many intelligent people around you.
"How do you know so fast, who is intelligent?" Asks Trump.
"Let me demonstrate." Merkel answers.
She reaches for the telephone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question:
"Mr. Schäuble, it is the son of your father, but its not your brother, who is it?"
Without hesitation, Schäuble answers:
"Very simple, that's me!"
"Look," says Merkel to Trump, "so I test the intelligence of the people around me."
Trump flies back to America enthusiastically.
At home, he immediately called his vice-pence to him
Question to ask:
"It is the son of your father, but is not your brother, who is it?"
After a long pause, Pence says:
"I have no idea, but I will try to figure out the answer by tomorrow!"
Pence just does not care and decides to seek advice from former President Obama.
He calls him:
"Mr. Obama - it is the son of your father, but its not your brother, who is it?"
"It's easy, that am I !", Answers in Obama.
Happy to have found the answer, Pence calls at Trump and says triumphantly:
"I have the answer! It's Barack Obama!"
Trump yells at him, shocked:
"No, you idiot, it's Wolfgang Schäuble !!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60gha4/donald_trump_goes_to_germany/
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One day 3 blonde girls were talking to each other.[NSFW]

One day 3 blonde girls were talking to each other. Suddenly the subject changed into blow jobs and the 2 girls were talking about how their boyfriends Ted and Frank had cold balls while they’re getting a blow job. Then they asked the third girl Sally how her boyfriend Dave’s balls were. She got uncomfortable and said in a shy voice that she actually never gave a blow job before. The 2 girls were screaming and shouting that she absolutely should give him a blow job before he will leave her and seek pleasure with other girls. The 2 girls told Sally to give Dave blow job tonight and they would meet each other for breakfast the next morning to talk about it. So that night Sally gave her boyfriend a good blowjob.
So the next morning Sally comes back with a black eye. The 2 girls are startled by it and ask Sally what happened. Sally says:’ Well I was giving him a blow job and said hey that’s funny, your balls are warm when I give you a blow job, but Ted’s and Frank’s were not.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60gfno/one_day_3_blonde_girls_were_talking_to_each/
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Why are black people so tall?

Because their knee grows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60gev4/why_are_black_people_so_tall/
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A Muslim man goes to a bookstore and asks if they have the latest Donald Trump book on immigration...

The conservative owner of the store takes one look at him and says, "Fuck off, get out and don't come back!"
"That's the one!" says the man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60gemq/a_muslim_man_goes_to_a_bookstore_and_asks_if_they/
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A good book is like a cute puppy...

...easy to pick up, hard to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ge9f/a_good_book_is_like_a_cute_puppy/
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I took a girl home from the club last night

as we got inside the house i said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."
"ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big cock do we"
I locked the door and said, "No, i'm going to cut off your feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ge1y/i_took_a_girl_home_from_the_club_last_night/
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What did the lesbian vampire say to her friend on her period ?

See you next month

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60gcch/what_did_the_lesbian_vampire_say_to_her_friend_on/
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Love thy neighbor..

But don't get caught.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60gb1s/love_thy_neighbor/
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Why did the 22140857×10^23 molecules of Methyl Acetate go to jail?

It was a Mole-Ester!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ga76/why_did_the_221408571023_molecules_of_methyl/
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Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?
Dad: So you won't get bored there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60g6ld/dad_i_gave_all_your_toys_to_the_orphanage/
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What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60g4d1/whats_whitney_houstons_favourite_type_of/
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What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60g3r2/whats_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_man_on/
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I once met a girl with 12 breasts

Sounds weird dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60g2uk/i_once_met_a_girl_with_12_breasts/
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My dentist asked me the last time I flossed

I replied, "You remember.. You were there.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60g10t/my_dentist_asked_me_the_last_time_i_flossed/
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Going through customs at a US airport

Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!
(Sorry if the formatting sucks. On mobile)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60fz3o/going_through_customs_at_a_us_airport/
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I used to be a banker

But then I lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60fxmw/i_used_to_be_a_banker/
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I went to my school reunion last weekend and the main topic of conversation was still about the stunning substitute teacher…

…we had one day, in the early eighties, who gave a boy a blow job in front of the entire class.
She went down in history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60fwo2/i_went_to_my_school_reunion_last_weekend_and_the/
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How do you know when you've got a high sperm count?

When she has to chew before she swallows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ftri/how_do_you_know_when_youve_got_a_high_sperm_count/
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Who's the biggest whore in history?

Ms. Pac-Man — because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60fs8r/whos_the_biggest_whore_in_history/
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Me and my girlfriend are so different.

I exist
She doesn't. .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60fqph/me_and_my_girlfriend_are_so_different/
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A young girl is taking a shower with her mother

and she sees her mother's breasts. "Mommy, when do I get those?" She asks "You get these when you're older, sweetie." The mother replies.
The mother finishes off her shower and gets out but her daughter stays in a little longer. A few minutes later the dad gets in the shower too. The little girl sees the dad's penis and asks "Daddy, when do I get that?"
The dad looks at her and answers. "Honey, you get this when mommy goes to work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60fq2o/a_young_girl_is_taking_a_shower_with_her_mother/
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Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.

Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. 'Ah, will you look at that?' One ditch digger said. 'What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?'
A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. 'Do you believe that?' The workman exclaimed. 'Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them.'
After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. 'Ah, what a pity,' the digger said, leaning on his shovel. 'One of th' poor lasses must be ill.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60fnoq/two_irishmen_were_digging_a_ditch_directly_across/
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How do german doctors cure their patients?

They heil them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60fncq/how_do_german_doctors_cure_their_patients/
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Disney is already working on a sequel to Beauty and the Beast...

They're calling it The French Prince in Belle's Snare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60fmbh/disney_is_already_working_on_a_sequel_to_beauty/
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My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60fhyq/my_six_year_old_daughter_was_watching_me_shave/
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NASA just reported they have lost contact with Voyager 1 after it crashed into something in the dark abyss of space

Apparently they found my ex's heart, which drains all energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60fao6/nasa_just_reported_they_have_lost_contact_with/
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Two Irishmen walk out of a bar

What? It could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60fagn/two_irishmen_walk_out_of_a_bar/
%
Shoutout to sidewalks

for keeping me off the streets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60f7lp/shoutout_to_sidewalks/
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I heard many Fibonacci jokes

Every one of them made me laugh like the previous 2 combined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60f7ex/i_heard_many_fibonacci_jokes/
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My car and I share two things in common...

We're both pieces of shit but still work alright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60f3mr/my_car_and_i_share_two_things_in_common/
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Where are Flat Earth believers?

All around the globe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60f2g4/where_are_flat_earth_believers/
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Today a feminist asked...

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships and apparently *"in HD"* was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60f27i/today_a_feminist_asked/
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Bruce Lee Charged With Carrying A Concealed Weapon.

He had his hands in his pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60eywi/bruce_lee_charged_with_carrying_a_concealed_weapon/
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"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ewym/daddy_how_do_stars_die/
%
What's the most unsure vegetable?

Aspariguess
~~I'm sorry, I'll see myself out~~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60evvk/whats_the_most_unsure_vegetable/
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Why don't people sympathize when your books fall to the floor?

Because you have only your shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ev6b/why_dont_people_sympathize_when_your_books_fall/
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Men do not jerk off because it is easy,

but because it is hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60etgy/men_do_not_jerk_off_because_it_is_easy/
%
Why are there walls around a cemetery?

Because people are dying to get in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60en5b/why_are_there_walls_around_a_cemetery/
%
How is a battery and a girl's butthole similar?

You know it's a bad idea but you'll put your tongue on it at least once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60emi1/how_is_a_battery_and_a_girls_butthole_similar/
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Why is being an astronaut such an easy job?

No pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60el5l/why_is_being_an_astronaut_such_an_easy_job/
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Why do Australians hunt with one eye

Because a bad eye can't
But a good eye might

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ecgy/why_do_australians_hunt_with_one_eye/
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Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we shot the last one who had a dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60e8xu/why_do_black_people_only_have_nightmares/
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Knock knock...

Who's there?
To.
To who?
*To whom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60e7rh/knock_knock/
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What did the fish swimming upstream say when it hit its head?

"Dam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60e6zd/what_did_the_fish_swimming_upstream_say_when_it/
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What do you call it when there is no internet in Russia?

Internyet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60e4so/what_do_you_call_it_when_there_is_no_internet_in/
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If at first you don't succeed...

Don't try skydiving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60e3xv/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
Two guys are talking at a fancy rooftop bar.

Clearly drunk out his mind, one guy says to the other, "Ya know...the air currents are sho shtrong up here...hic...you can float on 'em like water."
Also wasted, the other guy says, "Ah, you're crazy. You can't do that! (Burp)"
The first guy says "S'true! Juss watch!"
So he stumbles over to the balcony rail, climbs up and steps off. Sure enough, he floats there off the edge of the building, dipping and rising like he is body surfing. After a few seconds, he grabs the rail and pulls himself back up.
The second guy says, "I gotta try that!"
So he climbs over the railing, steps off the side...and immediately plummets 30 stories to his death.
The bartender looks at the first guy and says, "Goddamn it, you are a mean drunk, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60e1qy/two_guys_are_talking_at_a_fancy_rooftop_bar/
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Was driving down the street when I saw someone getting jumped by 3 guys. I quickly pulled over and ran towards the scene.

I got there and the 4 of us messed him up good.
Source: 75 year old Mexican father-in-law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dzzo/was_driving_down_the_street_when_i_saw_someone/
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What animal satisfies it's females until they are so pleased they can take no more?

Macaque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dz1l/what_animal_satisfies_its_females_until_they_are/
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How many eye doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One or two? One, or two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dyas/how_many_eye_doctors_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I wanted to tell a depressing, sad joke that was hilarious

So I phoned up Trump and said "that was hilarious"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dxbr/i_wanted_to_tell_a_depressing_sad_joke_that_was/
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A wife was in the ICU...

The husband was unable to control his tears.
Doctor: "We are trying our best but can't guarantee anything. Her body is not reacting. It seems she is in a coma."
Husband: "Doctor, please save her. She is just 30 years old and the family needs her."
Suddenly, the ECG started beeping like crazy.
A hand moved, her lips mumbled and she spoke, "Darling, I'm 29, not 30..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dwpl/a_wife_was_in_the_icu/
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What has a bunch of K's and is hated?

Kim Kylie Khloe Kendall kourtney kris Kanye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dw2t/what_has_a_bunch_of_ks_and_is_hated/
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The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and
The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dvnf/the_husband_store/
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A man looks over his fence and sees a young girl digging a hole ...

"*What ya doing love*?" he asks, holding his head above the fence.
"I'm burying my goldfish ..." she replies.
Saddened by this, the man says "*Ohhhh* ... I'm sorry to hear that. But that's an awfully big hole for a goldfish "
She pauses for a moment, glares back up at the man and says "Thats because he's inside your fucking cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dsfg/a_man_looks_over_his_fence_and_sees_a_young_girl/
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Two terrorists having discussion in a bar..

The bartender asks them what their discussion was about.
Terrorist 1: We're planning to kill 14,000 people and a donkey.
Bartender: Why a donkey?
Terrorist 2: See? I told you no one would care about the 14,000 people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dscf/two_terrorists_having_discussion_in_a_bar/
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I've recently learned a little bit about Dunning-Krueger effect.

But I'm quite certain it doesn't apply to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60drxs/ive_recently_learned_a_little_bit_about/
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"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.

"Is," replied my lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dro2/fucking_kids_are_expensive_i_said/
%
A Poor Man meets a Rich Man on Christmas Eve

The Poor Man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?"
The Rich Man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes."
The Poor Man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?"
The Rich Man replies "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The Poor Man nods. Then the Rich Man asks him "So what are you getting your wife this year?"
The Poor Man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The Rich Man asks "Why those two things?"
The Poor Man astutely responds "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60drg8/a_poor_man_meets_a_rich_man_on_christmas_eve/
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I'm not arachnophobic...

I just don't think spiders should be allowed to get married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dr2n/im_not_arachnophobic/
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I told my sister that if you rearrange the letters in 'vanilla' you get 'pirate'

Her: no you don't
Me: yes, 'a villain' with a missing i.
Note: true story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dpit/i_told_my_sister_that_if_you_rearrange_the/
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The last time I was this drunk I had to take a bus home...

Which isn't really a big deal, but I've never driven a bus before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dne0/the_last_time_i_was_this_drunk_i_had_to_take_a/
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I was banned from r/anarchism

For breaking the subreddit rules...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dmv6/i_was_banned_from_ranarchism/
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What type of overalls does Mario from Nintendo wear?

DenimDenimDenim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dk4i/what_type_of_overalls_does_mario_from_nintendo/
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A man asks his wife what she would do if he won the lottery

She said "take half and leave your ass"
The man says "Good, I just won 12 dollars here's 6 now get out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dire/a_man_asks_his_wife_what_she_would_do_if_he_won/
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How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach?

It's not hard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dhq7/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_on_a_nudist_beach/
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Most people would say that Eminem, Jay-Z, or Andre 3000 spit the hardest on the mic...

I personally think it was Mia Khalifa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dhet/most_people_would_say_that_eminem_jayz_or_andre/
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People tell me my coffee tastes like dirt...

It was just ground this morning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60df3k/people_tell_me_my_coffee_tastes_like_dirt/
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Gingers just can't get a break.

After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first doctor”. The doctor replies, “We’ll, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair”. Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news”. The doctor replies, “He’s dead”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60defm/gingers_just_cant_get_a_break/
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Why should a midget not attempt to slaughter a cow?

The steaks are just too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60db5h/why_should_a_midget_not_attempt_to_slaughter_a_cow/
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What goes "Chest, Chest, Chest, Chest"?

A T Rex doing "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60dazl/what_goes_chest_chest_chest_chest/
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What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60daf5/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_in_the_freezer/
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He has a point...

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60da7b/he_has_a_point/
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An old man goes to confession...

An old German man goes to confession one Sunday.
He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the Nazis in return for sexual favours". The Priest, while surprised, says "It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman despite the immoral exchange". "I understand that father" the old man says "But, do you think I should tell her the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60d99b/an_old_man_goes_to_confession/
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The Martians and the Earthlings

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met for the first time and are talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?", asked one of the Earthlings.
"Pretty much the way you do", responded one of the Martians.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a
teeny, weeny member: very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?", exclaims the woman.
"Why?", he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well", she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem", he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
impressively long. "Well", she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still
pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull
his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
forehead and pulling my ears all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60d82j/the_martians_and_the_earthlings/
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What did the black woman name her five children?

Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone
How did she tell them apart you ask?
She just called em by their last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60d7d2/what_did_the_black_woman_name_her_five_children/
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What kind of bees make milk?

Boo-bees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60d75q/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk/
%
What's the difference between cats and dogs?

A dog thinks:
These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. They must be gods.
A cat thinks:
These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. I must be a god.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60d5tq/whats_the_difference_between_cats_and_dogs/
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In America, it's called Alt Right

In Germany, it's called "This is Why Grandpa Lives in Argentina"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60d4r0/in_america_its_called_alt_right/
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Grown-Up Words

It was Monday morning in Ms. Green's kindergarten class, and the children were taking turns telling the class how they spent their weekend.
Adam raised his hand and said, "I went on a choo-choo!"
Ms. Green replied, "Very nice Adam, but let's try to use grown-up words. You went on a *train*."
Lisa was next to raise her hand. "I went to the pet store and got a new kitty."
Again, Ms. Green reminded the children to use grown-up words. "Lisa, you got a new *cat*."
Finally Johnny raised his hand and said, "I read a book with my aunt." Ms. Green said, "That's wonderful! Do you remember the name of the book?"
Johnny stood up tall and proudly exclaimed, "Winnie the Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60d3bx/grownup_words/
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Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60d13y/why_does_a_milking_stool_have_only_3_legs/
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What do you call an Asian knight?

A chink in the armor
(I'm Asian so it's okay)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60d0xe/what_do_you_call_an_asian_knight/
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When I told my parents I wanted to be a blues musician

they I decided it was time to have "the sax talk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60d0iq/when_i_told_my_parents_i_wanted_to_be_a_blues/
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What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car?

"Get in the car"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60cz2c/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_he_got_in_the/
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A women is giving birth and the doctor is yelling....

A woman is giving birth and the doctor is yelling for her to push. The baby gets pulled out by the doctor, but he drops the baby!
The doctor says "Whoops!" And then goes to pick up the baby. He accidentally steps on the baby! He says "Whoops!" Again.
The woman is freaking out! She screams "My baby!"
The doctor picks the baby up and hands it to the woman and says "Relax! It's a stillborn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60cwwh/a_women_is_giving_birth_and_the_doctor_is_yelling/
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What do engineers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60cw6a/what_do_engineers_use_for_birth_control/
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Chocolate is bad

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60cudm/chocolate_is_bad/
%
I hear jews don't use weed

I guess they don't like getting baked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60cu8f/i_hear_jews_dont_use_weed/
%
Why can't Harry Potter can't tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best friend

Because they're both cauldron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ct1r/why_cant_harry_potter_cant_tell_the_difference/
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Han Solo: Are we really going the right way???

Yoda: Off course we are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60cszh/han_solo_are_we_really_going_the_right_way/
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I was worried my watch broke.

It froze for a second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60cq6b/i_was_worried_my_watch_broke/
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After many years of studying at a university, I've finally become a PhD

Man being a Pizza Hut Deliveryman is cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60co3g/after_many_years_of_studying_at_a_university_ive/
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I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ck4o/i_just_found_out_that_the_guy_who_stole_my/
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2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60cjz4/2_year_old_son_spits_on_the_floor/
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Why did the Fungi leave the party?

Because there wasn't mushroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ce05/why_did_the_fungi_leave_the_party/
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Bad day

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go thru the pearly gates in heaven.  The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.  She claimed she had just got out of the shower.  Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.  I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.  I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the bugger clinging to the rail by his fingertips.  I was so mad that I bashed his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but some awnings and bushes broke his fall.  On seeing he was still alive I found some super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.  It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a heart attack and died."
Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.  The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment.  I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.  I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came running out on there and bashed my hands with a flower pot.  I fell, hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.  I tried to crawl out of the way but couldn't and was hit and killed."
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.  Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.  He apologizes and says
"I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
I don't know about that" replies the man. "But picture this, I'm stark naked, hiding in this antique cedar chest......."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ccx0/bad_day/
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A man has been charged with multiple accounts for murder...

The judge says "Your first charge is that you beat your dog to death with a hammer," "You evil man!" yells a jury man. "Your second charge is that you beat your wife to death with a hammer," "You psychopath!" the jury man shouts. "Your third charge is that you then beat your daughter to death with a hammer" the judge says. "You sociopath!" The jury man exclaims. "I know this is a horrible crime" says the judge," but please sir, remain civil". "I apologise your honour," says the jury man, "but I've lived next to the accused for 10 years, and whenever I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60c9xu/a_man_has_been_charged_with_multiple_accounts_for/
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The R saved his life...

his name was, Gary Pedro Crock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60c9xt/the_r_saved_his_life/
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On my 16th birthday my parents tried to surprise me with a car

but I jumped out of the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60c82j/on_my_16th_birthday_my_parents_tried_to_surprise/
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Trump visits NASA...

He called a meeting of all the top scientists and department heads. As a staffer called for quiet, everyone took a seat and Trump stepped up to the lectern and began speaking.
"I'm very happy to be here with the fine people of NASA today. Very happy. As you know, during my campaign I promised the people that I would Make America Great Again. We had a great campaign, didn't we? The best. The very best. Marvelous. Anyway, you folks here at NASA have accomplished some amazing things over the years. The moon landing: great! The Mars robot car thing, just great. But to be honest, that's old news. Old news. I know you're working on projects to go back to the moon and mars, but today I'm here to announce that we're scrapping all that. Let Europe or China do all that. They can have it. It's boring. We need a bold, new vision to show our greatness to the world once again. So, today, I'm directing NASA to begin a new American space project:"
"We're going to the sun!"
The room fell into shocked silence for a moment. Then, one engineer near the front raised his hand. Trump nodded his way.
"Uh, sir?" he said "That is, uh, Mr. President? Um, well sir, the sun is an ongoing nuclear reaction with a surface temperature of nearly 6000 degrees Kelvin..."
The President continued to stare at him.
"...uh, that is to say, it's hot, sir. The sun is very, very hot. Any ship we sent would melt long before it could reach the sun. Sir."
Trump furrowed his brow, and said "Huh. Hadn't thought of that. Let me make a few calls. I know some smart guys. Very smart. Give me an hour and I'll get back to you."
An hour later, Trump re-entered the room, and once again stepped to the lectern.
"Ok, we got it. It was actually Dr. Ben Carson who came up with this. Great guy. Did you know that he's black? The blacks, they just love me. They really do. Anyway, here it is, and to be frank I'm kind of disappointed that you people didn't think of this. I mean you're supposed to be a bunch of geniuses, right? So, here it is."
"We're gonna go...at night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60c5bq/trump_visits_nasa/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy and the other one is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60c4mu/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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How would 007 make his kids like him?

Family Bonding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60c48t/how_would_007_make_his_kids_like_him/
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My nutritionist told me to avoid Trans Fats

I'm gonna miss Tumblr so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60c3fq/my_nutritionist_told_me_to_avoid_trans_fats/
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A mother is shot twice in the stomach while pregnant with twins, the doctor said the baby is going to be okay and they will excrete the bullet in one way or another 15 years later.

All was fine for 15 years, and then the daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 15 years ago.
About a week later, her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."
All credit to u/cyanritter
They posted it in the comments of another joke, and I just figured that it should be shared with all of r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60bwmf/a_mother_is_shot_twice_in_the_stomach_while/
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What did the inventor of the knock knock joke receive?

The No Bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60btht/what_did_the_inventor_of_the_knock_knock_joke/
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Pretty woman sneezes !!

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60bswf/pretty_woman_sneezes/
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Four types of sex after marriage

House sex: The first few months, when you have sex in every room of the house.
Bedroom sex: While the kids are still young, when you have sex only in the bedroom.
Hall sex: After about ten years, when you stand in the hall and yell "Fuck you" back and forth.
Court sex: Suddenly at any point, when she and her lawyer fuck you in front of the judge and everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60brve/four_types_of_sex_after_marriage/
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I watched this documentary about retina surgery..

It was eye opening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60bkke/i_watched_this_documentary_about_retina_surgery/
%
Why isn't a koala considered a bear?

Because it doesn't have a *koala*fication

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60bjn5/why_isnt_a_koala_considered_a_bear/
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Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were a lot of knights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60bjal/why_were_the_middle_ages_called_the_dark_ages/
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So, I know a guy and his motto is 'Love Thy Neighbor'

He lives next to a brothel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60bj3b/so_i_know_a_guy_and_his_motto_is_love_thy_neighbor/
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Why 10 wasn't invited to the number party?

9/11 conspiracy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60bge5/why_10_wasnt_invited_to_the_number_party/
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A rich man walks into a bar.

The man is impeccably well dressed.  Perfectly tailored suit, thousand dollar watch, shoes that cost more than most houses, the works.  With him are a dozen gorgeous women, and a little man.  The little man is only about waist-high.
The group goes to order drinks, and the rich man drops an enormous roll of money on the bar, and says he's paying for everyone's drinks.  Everyone in the bar cheers.
The little guy, however, is a complete jerk.  He spends the night tripping waiters, knocking people's drinks over, and laughing a mean little laugh.  Every time he does something, the rich guy pays whoever the little guy was mean to, so no fights break out.  Finally, the bartender has had enough.  He waves over the rich man, and asks him.  "Why are you hanging out with the little guy?  he's a jerk to everyone."
The rich man sighs, and explains.  "Years ago, I found a genie, and I was given three wishes.  The first wish was for all the money I could ever want.  The second wish for to be surrounded by beautiful women all my life."
The bartender is confused.  "Well, what was the third wish?"
"A three foot dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60bblk/a_rich_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Never become an archaeologist...

your life will be in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60b9r7/never_become_an_archaeologist/
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If I'm at a restaurant waiting for the waiter...

Who's really the waiter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60b99v/if_im_at_a_restaurant_waiting_for_the_waiter/
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I strip wire for a living

It's not a glamorous job, but at least I can make ends meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60b700/i_strip_wire_for_a_living/
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My wife yelled down the stairs that I was courting disaster.

"No honey," I called up, "we have been married for nearly seven years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60b62w/my_wife_yelled_down_the_stairs_that_i_was/
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Bilbo was surprised to wake up one morning and find a Tesco had been built outside his house...

It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60b3wv/bilbo_was_surprised_to_wake_up_one_morning_and/
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I have found my best friend in my wife

They both have some explaining to do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60b2xz/i_have_found_my_best_friend_in_my_wife/
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What Size Underwear Do Feminists Wear?

#Double Standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ayaz/what_size_underwear_do_feminists_wear/
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Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants. I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it because it's comfortable.

Who cares of you can see my balls?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60axuz/men_need_to_stop_staring_and_yelling_at_me_when_i/
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What does eating in Australia and playing chess have in common?

They both usually end with "check mate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60awh4/what_does_eating_in_australia_and_playing_chess/
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I sell prosthetics to midgets who are amputees...

I'm a small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60awbf/i_sell_prosthetics_to_midgets_who_are_amputees/
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Why did the harp break up with his girlfriend?

Because she was a lyre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60aw59/why_did_the_harp_break_up_with_his_girlfriend/
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Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.
He asks the bartender, *"What's with the gorilla?"*
The bartender says, *"Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"*
*"Sure"*
So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.
The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a blow job.
*"Wow!"*, says the guy.
The bartender says, *"Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"*
The guys says, *"Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60arxc/guy_walks_into_a_bar_sits_and_orders_a_beer_from/
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23 Limericks

These are all originals. The only way you saw one of these before this was posted is if you hacked my phone. If your name is on here, you owe me an upvote.
There once was a woman named June
Who was born about nine months too soon
She didn't have the luck
To be born by a fuck
She was scraped off the sheets with a spoon
There once was a fellow named Mike
Who used to love riding his bike
Till one day on some ruts
He lost his seat and his nuts
And now he's built like a dyke
There once was a girl named Monique
Who was an anal sex freak
She did it so often
That when she'd start coughin'
Her overworked asshole would leak
There once was a fellow named Larry
Who searched for a virgin to marry
He hooked up with Eileen
Who was barely thirteen
But his heart stopped as he popped her cherry
I should tell you more 'bout Eileen
Because she's finally turning eighteen
Her second husband Barry
Met the same fate as Larry
And nine other guys in between
There once was a guy named Luigi
Who claimed that he was from Fiji
But I swear that he's Greek
'Cuz I saw him last week
Fuck himself in the ass with a squeegee
There once was a woman named Trish
Whose twat always smelled like dead fish
She asked for a fuck
I said no such luck
Ain't no one granting that wish
There once was a guy named Tyrese
Who loved getting blow jobs from geese
Their necks are so long
That they'd swallow his schlong
Just deep enough for his release
There once was a fellow named Joe
Who couldn't get his cock to grow
With one mighty pinch
He'd have half an inch
But that's all he had to show
There once was a woman named Jane
Whose husband thought she was insane
She'd bathe in dog shit
Then nibble her tit
While fucking her ass with a cane
There once was a fellow named Chuck
Who said after screwing a duck,
"I told him to blow me
But I didn't know he
Was only looking to fuck!"
There once was a woman named Jenny
Who offered her twat for a penny
She made thousands of bucks
From all of those fucks
But she never could say just how many
There once was a fellow named Ken
Who gave up on women and men
After taking a horse
Balls-deep, of course,
No human could fuck him again.
There once was a woman named Joan
Who loved to have sex on the phone
But she'd get so loud
That quite a large crowd
Would gather to hear the girl moan
There once was a guy named Ahmed
Who really enjoyed getting head
Till his father's prized goat
Got a load down her throat
If daddy finds out, he'll be dead
There once was a fellow named Tony
Who claimed to be hung like a pony
But the truth was revealed
When one young girl squealed
"His crotch is stuffed with bologna!"
There once was a woman named Kate
Who thought that small dicks were great
Till her twat turned all wonky
After she fucked a donkey
And came for twelve hours straight
There once was a fellow named Pete
Who'd blow random guys on the street
Deep throating was a cinch
And at five bucks an inch
He was never lacking fresh meat
There once was a woman named Ann
Who wanted to become a man
She found a cheap doctor
Who numbed her and cocked her
Now he fucks himself all that she can
There once was a fellow named Daniel
Who was hung like a cocker spaniel
Asked a blind girl down south
While fucking her mouth,
"Can't see it coming, can y'all?"
There once was a fellow named Paul
Who was cursed with only one ball
He lost the other
While fucking his brother
In a jail cell beneath city hall
There once was a fellow named Mark
Who loved to jerk off in the park
When he'd whip it out
The kids would all shout
"Come again once it gets dark!"
There once was a woman named Bridget
Who, in a bar, hit on a midget
But his cock was so small
She barely felt it at all
Even though it was totally rigid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60arvd/23_limericks/
%
Why Doesn't American English Use a "U" in Words Like Color and Flavor (Colour and Flavour)?

Because fuck U, that's why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ar9g/why_doesnt_american_english_use_a_u_in_words_like/
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The letter "B" is gay.

It's just two "D"s stacked on top of each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60aopf/the_letter_b_is_gay/
%
Why did Barty Crouch Jr. stop drinking?

It was making him Moody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ao39/why_did_barty_crouch_jr_stop_drinking/
%
What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?

The captain's log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60aksl/what_did_mr_spock_find_in_the_toilet/
%
My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.
I quite liked her dad…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60aggi/my_inlaws_couldnt_cope_when_their_cat/
%
French cat joke

Two cat's are trying to cross a river, ones name is Onetwothree and the others name is Undeuxtrois.
Why was Onetwothree the only survivor?
Because Undeuxtrois cat sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60afv4/french_cat_joke/
%
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer...

..I saw it through my telescope last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60afts/i_think_my_neighbor_is_stalking_me_as_shes_been/
%
Difference between a Frank and sausage?

A sausage doesn't show up in every goddamn joke in this motherfucking sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60af6d/difference_between_a_frank_and_sausage/
%
What image format does Gordon Ramsay hates the most?

.raw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60aeur/what_image_format_does_gordon_ramsay_hates_the/
%
Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road.

Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance. Trump says:
The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you killed the pig...
So the chauffeur does as he's told. Few hours later, he comes out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss marks, and a champagne in each hand. Trump asks:
Jesus! What did you tell them?
What you told me to;
"Hi I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur, and I've just killed the pig!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60ad4x/donald_trump_and_his_chauffeur_are_driving_on_a/
%
Abdul the Afghani

is walking through the mountains with his wife in front of him. He meets his imam going in the opposite direction.
"Abdul, have you read the Koran? It says the wife should always walk behind her husband," the imam says.
"When the Koran was written, there were no minefields." He then yells to his wife, "keep going, Fatima!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60a99v/abdul_the_afghani/
%
Handjobs £10

An Irishman walks into a cafe. He reads a menu that's says:
Cheese roll 10p
Ham roll 20p
Handjobs £10
He notices a beautiful blonde who works there with an amazing body and big tits, so asks her, "Are you the one that gives out the handjobs?"
She replies, "Yes, I do!"
So, the Irishman says, "Well wash your hands, I want two cheese rolls!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60a8su/handjobs_10/
%
Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous

I see a lot of new faces today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60a5ul/welcome_back_to_plastic_surgery_anonymous/
%
Why are volcanoes so jolly?

Whenever they hear a joke, they erupt with laughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60a3u5/why_are_volcanoes_so_jolly/
%
Radio call-in show, Cork, Ireland

True story...
The host asked for people to call in with a four-letter word that isn't in the English language, but should be, and to use it in a sentence.
A caller says, "G-O-A-N, pronounced go-an. I can use it in a sentence. Goan fuck yourself!" The host stumbles for words as the call goes dead.
A few minutes later, a caller says, "S-M-E-E, pronounced smee. I can use it in a sentence. Smee again, goan fuck yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60a33y/radio_callin_show_cork_ireland/
%
William Shakespeare once manned the welcome desk at a popular hotel

One day an elderly man walked up to the desk and asked for a room.
Shakespeare quickly found a room available on the second floor and asked him if this is the room he wished to book.  The forgetful, ancient individual stared at Shakespeare for several uncomfortable seconds.
"I'm sorry, what?" the old man finally responded hand-over-ear.
Shakespeare, already a bit agitated, turned a computer monitor with the room number clearly-displayed and asked the same question twice.  The elderly man seemed even more confused than before.  "I'm sorry," he asked, "what was your question?"
Losing his last nerve, poor William finally lashed-out saying "2B or NOT 2B?!  THAT is the *question*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60a27g/william_shakespeare_once_manned_the_welcome_desk/
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Me: Knock knock

Friend: Who's there?
Me: Allah
Friend: Allah who?
Me: You're expecting me to say allahu akbar, don't you? But it doesn't make sense because muslims don't great each other that way and a terrorist wouldn't bother to knock on the door. In any case, why are you expecting a joke about terrorism, are you a racist or something?
When my friend was distracted by this confusing punchline, that's when I set off my suicide belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60a1hu/me_knock_knock/
%
Why do feminists hate the Post Office?

Cos it's a mail-dominated industry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60a0k9/why_do_feminists_hate_the_post_office/
%
I told my therapist that I was seeing strange colours.

He told me they were just pigments of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609xb1/i_told_my_therapist_that_i_was_seeing_strange/
%
A Native American child asks his father how they choose children's names.

Father - "After you are born, we open the tepee and the first thing we see is what we name you. Like your eldest brother, Soaring Eagle, your sister, Falling Leaves, and your little brother, Grizzly Cub. Why do you ask Two Dogs Humping?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609vk2/a_native_american_child_asks_his_father_how_they/
%
What do you call one white man surrounded by 200 blacks and Mexicans?

The Warden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609v6n/what_do_you_call_one_white_man_surrounded_by_200/
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A $200 vagina?

Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609q9p/a_200_vagina/
%
Why does Piglet smell so bad?

Because he plays with Pooh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609msa/why_does_piglet_smell_so_bad/
%
Two Jewish duck hunters make a kill on the same waterfowl

But who takes the bill?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609m8f/two_jewish_duck_hunters_make_a_kill_on_the_same/
%
I wanted to make a Counter Strike joke

But it would be global offensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609ktx/i_wanted_to_make_a_counter_strike_joke/
%
i accidentally stumbled onto /r/lighterthanair/

nothing seems to be rising

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609jz8/i_accidentally_stumbled_onto_rlighterthanair/
%
I just bought a Dalmatian puppy...

And I've found out that if you join all the dots together with a marker pen...
It doesn't wash off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609jyw/i_just_bought_a_dalmatian_puppy/
%
Since Carrie Fisher's death, I feel sorry for Kylo Ren.

How will he fulfill the other half of his Oedipus complex now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609imz/since_carrie_fishers_death_i_feel_sorry_for_kylo/
%
Why is it called Youtube Red?

Why not just call it RedTube?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609gmq/why_is_it_called_youtube_red/
%
What do you call an epileptic emperor?

Julius Seizure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609gcf/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_emperor/
%
Father's Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store.

Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.
When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. “Tyler, what are you doing?” I asked.
“Haven’t you found a nice card for Daddy yet?”
“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609f70/fathers_day_was_near_when_i_brought_my/
%
I would make an equality joke

But women wouldn't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609epq/i_would_make_an_equality_joke/
%
Here, have a joke in german

Ein Witz.
(Edit: Literally "a joke" in german)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609dkx/here_have_a_joke_in_german/
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How To Trigger A Feminist

Feminist: women get paid less than men for the same job
Me: `*shows pornstar income for men and women*`
Feminist: `*Triggered*`

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609c67/how_to_trigger_a_feminist/
%
Why did the old man fall into the well?

Because..... he couldn't see that 'well'.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609bmy/why_did_the_old_man_fall_into_the_well/
%
I listen to Anti-Piracy videos...

Now, I steal cars AND movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609bkg/i_listen_to_antipiracy_videos/
%
This morning, someone asked for a donation to the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609bgp/this_morning_someone_asked_for_a_donation_to_the/
%
What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?

I hear invoices!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609al5/what_did_the_schizophrenic_bookkeeper_say/
%
Smoking is good for the environment

Because it kills humans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609aar/smoking_is_good_for_the_environment/
%
A collection of Radio Yerevan jokes

Radio Yerevan jokes were basically a pre-internet meme here in the former Eastern Bloc, which follow a simple QnA format and were often political, and here's a few of my favorites:
---
Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union in the same way that there is in the USA?
Radio Yerevan answered: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the Washington Monument, shout "Down with Reagan!" and you wouldn't get punished. In the USSR, you can stand in the middle of the Red Square, shout "Down with Reagan!" and you won't get punished, either.
---
Radio Yerevan was asked: What is chaos?
Radio Yerevan answered: We do not comment on national economics.
---
Radio Yerevan was asked: Why is there no flour in the market?
Radio Yerevan answered: Because they began adding it to bread.
---
Radio Yerevan was asked: What is a Soviet musical duet?
Radio Yerevan answered: A Soviet musical quartet after a trip abroad.
---
Radio Yerevan was asked: Why is our government not in hurry to land men on the moon?
Radio Yerevan answered: Because they might decide to not return.
---
Radio Yerevan was asked: What is "Russian business"?
Radio Yerevan answered: To steal a crate of vodka, sell it, and then drink the money away.
---
Radio Yerevan was asked: Was comrade Lenin a scientist or a politician?
Radio Yerevan answered: Of course, a politician. If he were a scientist, he would've first tried his theories on dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/609a1b/a_collection_of_radio_yerevan_jokes/
%
The Beach Boys walk into a bar…

"Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6099y7/the_beach_boys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I became addicted to gambling when I visited the Himalayas...

What can I say? I like Tibet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6097cz/i_became_addicted_to_gambling_when_i_visited_the/
%
God allows animals to ask him one question...

The giraffe: God why do I have this long neck?
God: to be able to get the finest leaves.
The rihno: why is my skin so heavy and thick?
God: because your skin is your armor and its role is to protect you from your enemies.
The chicken: I don't care, so please don't even try explain! You make the hole bigger or the egg smaller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6096it/god_allows_animals_to_ask_him_one_question/
%
I was sword fighting this guy medieval style then all of a sudden he starts to unscrew his pommel

And then it hit me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6094rz/i_was_sword_fighting_this_guy_medieval_style_then/
%
What do French people call a really bad Thursday ?

A trajeudi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6094rc/what_do_french_people_call_a_really_bad_thursday/
%
It starts off with a farmer having a young son who is really really interested in tractors.

For his 3rd birthday his father takes him to a tractor show and the boy loves it, he can't get enough of it.
For his 10th birthday his father lets him ride with him on his tractor, again the son is loving tractors, can't get enough of them.
For his 17th birthday the father buys his son a tractor and the son is loving it. For 10 hours, he is riding up and down on his tractor all day at the farm, just before he is about to come home he hits a mound and the tractor flips and falls on top of the son. He was stuck there for 8 hours in the rain before his dad rescued him.
After this he absolutely hates tractors, can't stand them.
So a few months later he is walking down the streets and there is a house on fire and a woman screaming "my baby, save my baby"!
The guy runs up to the door, breathes in and inhales all the smoke and the fire goes out, he runs up saves the baby and brings the baby back to his mum.
The woman thanks him over and over again and asks how did you do it?
The son says:"Oh, it's nothing, I'm an ex tractor fan".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6093za/it_starts_off_with_a_farmer_having_a_young_son/
%
When you use a knife, you press with the same force but at a much higher pressure.

That's kinda the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6093jz/when_you_use_a_knife_you_press_with_the_same/
%
An 80 year old couple go to the Doctors

They both had been having some issues remembering things lately and were worried about it. So they go to the Doctors and get tested but both come out just fine. The doctors suggest though that they both write stuff down in order to not forget. Well the next day both were sitting in the living room to when the husband gets up to to get something
" You going to the kitchen?
" Yea I am why?
" Could you bring me back some Ice Cream?
" Yea sure I can do that.
" You better write it down because you'll forget it.
" I don"t need to write that down it's just Ice Cream.
" Strawberries too I want Strawberries, you better write that down I know you'll forget that.
" Honey I don't need to write that down Ice Cream with Strawberries I got it.
" Ohh! And whipped cream. You really should write this down so you don't forget.
" Dang it hun, I'm just going to the kitchen I'm not going to forget!
The husband walks off and is gone for a good 20 minutes. Finally coming back he hands her a plate of Bacon and eggs. She look up to with a glare
" You forgot my Toast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6092sh/an_80_year_old_couple_go_to_the_doctors/
%
I got arrested for killing a black man

I was charged with impersonating a police officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6092oo/i_got_arrested_for_killing_a_black_man/
%
The oldest computer...

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.
Yes, it was an Apple.
But with an extremely limited memory.
Just one byte.
Then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6090zx/the_oldest_computer/
%
When talking to the hiring manager, she said...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6090wg/when_talking_to_the_hiring_manager_she_said/
%
Why are communist jokes funny?

Everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6090m5/why_are_communist_jokes_funny/
%
Where do you hide after killing someone black?

Behind a badge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6090fn/where_do_you_hide_after_killing_someone_black/
%
A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board

So she follows protocol, and immediately contacts the pilot.
"Sir,we may have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and way younger than the dangerous man she is with!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608zcy/a_flight_attendant_sees_a_suspicious_couple_on/
%
You shouldn't make a character in your game based off of a Reddit user

It would be OP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608z3r/you_shouldnt_make_a_character_in_your_game_based/
%
After death a man is presented to St. Peter in front of the heavenly gates

St. Peter checks his name and tells him that he has sinned all his life so he’ll go to hell. ‘But’, he continues, ‘since you’ve once fed a homeless man you’ll be able to choose from many hells where you want to spend the eternity.’
Off he is whisked to different hells to choose from. He sees a hell where people are being burned whole, ‘No’, he says. Next he sees a hell where people are being fried in boiling oil, he rejects it too. He also refuses a hell where people are continuously heaved and dropped on bed of nails. Finally, he comes to a hell where all people are neck-deep in a large pool of shit. The stink is terrible but he notices that every one of them are having Starbucks coffee. He asks the accompanying guard if the coffee was free. The guard confirms it.
‘Darn it, if I have to choose one of the hells, let it be this, at least I can have free Starbucks’. So he chooses the hell. He is pushed forward into the pool. He winces and almost gags as he is being dropped neck-deep in shit. After he fights the retch, he asks the guard if he can order coffee now. The guard nods and says he may. He orders a grande Café Latte. He is about to sip from the glass when another guard comes along sounding a bell.
‘The break time is over lads, now get your HEADS DOWN and LEGS UP’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608vy8/after_death_a_man_is_presented_to_st_peter_in/
%
What did the buffalo say to his son the day he left for college?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608phm/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_the_day_he/
%
I started this absolutely amazing 30 day diet!

I already lost 15 days!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608oyt/i_started_this_absolutely_amazing_30_day_diet/
%
What's the only prize that Gaston won in Beauty and the Beast?

The No Belle prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608n8z/whats_the_only_prize_that_gaston_won_in_beauty/
%
We're doing Spanish jokes now?

My buddy told me this one:
¿Como se cambie el sexo de un burro?
Enciérralo en un cuarto hasta que se aburra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608ma2/were_doing_spanish_jokes_now/
%
The Boston symphony orchestra was playing Beethoven's ninth..

And during said piece there's about 20 minutes where the two bassists (those playing the double bass) have nothing to do. So, rather than sitting around doing nothing, they decided to sneak out for a drink at the pub next door. After slamming a couple of shots (as bassists are prone to do), one of them looks at his watch and says "crap, we're late!", to which the other bassist responds "don't worry, I tied together the last few pages with string, it'll take the conductor a few minutes to get them untangled". So the bassists stumble in and take their places as the conductor is untangling the string tying together the last few pages of the music. This is noted by one the members of the audience, who mentions this to her companion. "But of course," her companion said. "It's the bottom of the ninth, the scores are tied and the bassists are loaded"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608lus/the_boston_symphony_orchestra_was_playing/
%
There something I don't like about the tree in my font yard.

Seems kinda shady!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608lsk/there_something_i_dont_like_about_the_tree_in_my/
%
Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,
"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."
For the next couple of hours, the hobos drink like never before. And sure enough, when the security guard notices what appears to be a blow job occurring at one of the tables, he kicks the hobos onto the street.
Laughing uncontrollably they hug each other for a successfully accomplished mission.
"Come on, let's go to the next bar and see if we can't play those suckers too."
They proceed to the bar in the next town. They drink, they sing, they laugh... The second one crawls under the table and before long they are ruthlessly kicked out again.
So they proceed to the next bar. And so on and so forth, their gimmick improving with each passing performance.
3 or 4 bars later, the second one complains to the first,
"Hey, great idea, man. But do you think we could switch roles? My back is starting to hurt from having to crawl under the table every time. Here, give me the sausage, and you go under and pretend to blow me this time."
"Sure, I don't mind switching roles. Problem is, security confiscated the sausage back at that first bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608klj/two_hobos_with_a_sausage_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Have you seen that clown that hides from gay people?

No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608jch/have_you_seen_that_clown_that_hides_from_gay/
%
What do fat girls and scooters have in common?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608hoq/what_do_fat_girls_and_scooters_have_in_common/
%
Why can't you argue with an indian ?

Because you can't have beef with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608gdu/why_cant_you_argue_with_an_indian/
%
What clothes did Delaware?

Maybe a New Jersey. You know what, Alaska

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608fhf/what_clothes_did_delaware/
%
You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself times the speed of light squared. Then you energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608cul/you_matter/
%
As a golfer, it's always smart to wear 2 pairs of pants.

You know, just in case you get a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/608aol/as_a_golfer_its_always_smart_to_wear_2_pairs_of/
%
It makes sense why Emma Watson is in both Beauty and the Beast and Harry Potter

Both of the main characters are harry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6089g0/it_makes_sense_why_emma_watson_is_in_both_beauty/
%
Having sex is a lot playing bridge...

If you don't have a partner you'd better have a good hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60894f/having_sex_is_a_lot_playing_bridge/
%
Did you hear about the wall Trump is building?

No Juan is safe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60892l/did_you_hear_about_the_wall_trump_is_building/
%
There's only one thing that Frank can't do perfectly

Imperfection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6085oz/theres_only_one_thing_that_frank_cant_do_perfectly/
%
I tried to give myself a sex change...

...I couldn't pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6085kq/i_tried_to_give_myself_a_sex_change/
%
What do you call a belt made of watches?

A waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6084jz/what_do_you_call_a_belt_made_of_watches/
%
When is it okay to kick a midget?

When he compliments how nice your girlfriends hair smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6083ib/when_is_it_okay_to_kick_a_midget/
%
A man is lying on a sun lounger drinking a beer while his wife struggles mowing the lawn with a push mower.

When their neighbour sticks his head over the fence and starts shouting at the man. "Look at you, sitting on your backside while your wife works her arse off! You should be bloody well hung!"
The man sets down his beer, looks his neighbour straight in the eye, and replies.
"I am. That's why she's mowing the lawn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60821b/a_man_is_lying_on_a_sun_lounger_drinking_a_beer/
%
"paper or plastic?"

because baggers can't be choosers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6081g7/paper_or_plastic/
%
Thank you for calling the anonymous NSA hotline

What would you like to report, Peter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6081e3/thank_you_for_calling_the_anonymous_nsa_hotline/
%
So my friend told me he needed some help to recognize speech...

I was furious and said, "Are you insane? Why would you wreck it? Don't you like beaches?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6080b8/so_my_friend_told_me_he_needed_some_help_to/
%
If Ekans is snake backwards and Arbok is cobra backwards...

Then what *were* the Pokemon developers thinking when they named one Muk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607zgj/if_ekans_is_snake_backwards_and_arbok_is_cobra/
%
The wife phoned me and said, "You better come to the hospital. My mother hasn't got long to live!"

I replied, "But it's March Madness! All the basketball games are important!"
She said, "Record it and watch it later."
You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and the tripod…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607yth/the_wife_phoned_me_and_said_you_better_come_to/
%
What's the difference between America and Yogurt

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop a culture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607tnp/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_yogurt/
%
I lost my virginity yesterday

Wish I could post in under a different subreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607od4/i_lost_my_virginity_yesterday/
%
Why was the little strawberry crying?

Because his mom was in a jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607nvf/why_was_the_little_strawberry_crying/
%
An old lady goes to a doctor with a flatulence problem

"Doctor please help me with my gasses. Its so embarassing, in fact since Ive gotten here I passed gas a dozen times. Lucky for me it doesnt smell or make a sound but please doctor help."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to come back in 2 weeks. 2 weeks pass and the old lady returns.
"Doctor these pills are terrible! Not only did they not fix my gas problem, now they are loud!"
"Good, we fixed your hearing now we are gonna work on your sense of smell." replied the doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607nsd/an_old_lady_goes_to_a_doctor_with_a_flatulence/
%
Did you hear about the gay narcissist with a huge dick?

He's always full of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607n4w/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_narcissist_with_a_huge/
%
My smartarse neighbours 10-year-old son challenged me to a game of Tekken the other day, in front of his mates.

I quickly roundhoused him and then finished him off with a killer combo in under 30 seconds.
Little fucker didn't even get the chance to switch the fucking playstation on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607lov/my_smartarse_neighbours_10yearold_son_challenged/
%
What did batman say to robin before they got in the car?

He said "robin get in the car"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607kh4/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_they_got_in/
%
A man goes to a library and asks for a book about suicide.

The librarian pauses, then asks," Who's going to bring it back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607kct/a_man_goes_to_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book_about/
%
Wife caught me in the wardrobe

She asked me what I was doing?
I said Narnia business!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607ho4/wife_caught_me_in_the_wardrobe/
%
If I was being subjective, I'd say the greatest science fiction show of all time was Doctor Who, but if I was being objective...

I'd say it was Doctor Whom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607hjd/if_i_was_being_subjective_id_say_the_greatest/
%
What do you call a lost nun?

A roamin' catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607ge8/what_do_you_call_a_lost_nun/
%
An Irishman was sitting at a bar in London

...when he heard a guy with an Irish accent and asked if he was from Ireland.
"Yes" he replied. "Well so am I " said the first patron."What part of Ireland are you from?
The second patron replied " I'm from a small Village called Green Valley "
"I'll be damned!" "I'm from Green Valley too". "What school did you attend?"
"Saint Mary's"
"No way ! I went to Saint Mary's too"
"What year did you graduate?"
"1964"
"I can't believe it ! I did also"
"What are the odds of this happening to us?"
Just then the waitress walks up to the bar and asks the bartender how things are going.
The bartender responds"It's going to be a long night".
"Why's that?" she asked.
The bartender replied " The Murphy twins are drunk again".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607dbj/an_irishman_was_sitting_at_a_bar_in_london/
%
Why was the baby smoking?

Because it was on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607cy7/why_was_the_baby_smoking/
%
Subway is really upset about allegations concerning the meat in their subs...

They haven't been this worried about meat between buns since Jared was sentenced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607ch9/subway_is_really_upset_about_allegations/
%
Donald Trump took Pope Francis for an afternoon on his yacht...

While they were out to sea, the Pope's hat blew off his head and into the water. While everyone ran frantically, Trump stood up and said "Hang on. I've got this"
Miraculously he walked to the platform level with the water, and continued walking across the top of the water, picked up the popes hat and walked back and returned it to him. Everyone was stunned at this they couldn't believe what they just saw!
The following morning CNN reported:
"Breaking: Donald Trump can't swim!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607bri/donald_trump_took_pope_francis_for_an_afternoon/
%
What's less funny than an Amy Schumer joke?

Amy Schumer's jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/607atk/whats_less_funny_than_an_amy_schumer_joke/
%
I saw a Nigerian kid the other day crying about his dead parents....

I told him to stop wasting water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6079r7/i_saw_a_nigerian_kid_the_other_day_crying_about/
%
I hate it when Amy Schumer gets compared to whales

Whales are kind of funny you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6078ec/i_hate_it_when_amy_schumer_gets_compared_to_whales/
%
An american and a russian went to a bar

A couple of drinks later, the american flips a coin high in the air and shoots a hole through with a revolver, shouting
- BILL, BUFFALO BILL
A moment later the russian whips out three testicles and shouts:
- BILL, CHERNOBILL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6077b5/an_american_and_a_russian_went_to_a_bar/
%
What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker...

Hop in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6076th/what_do_you_say_to_a_one_legged_hitchhiker/
%
An old lady goes to the dentist

Sits down, drops her pants, and lifts her legs. The dentist says "I'm not a gynecologist!"  She says " l know, I just need my husbands teeth back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6076rg/an_old_lady_goes_to_the_dentist/
%
Have you guys heard of the new semen based hair gel?

It's the next generation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6076h3/have_you_guys_heard_of_the_new_semen_based_hair/
%
2 older couple were having breakfast

old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
old man 2: What's it's name?
old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
old man 2: Carnation?
old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
old man 2: Rose?
old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6073z6/2_older_couple_were_having_breakfast/
%
My buddy smokes weed for his epilepsy

He'd have a fit if he ran out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6072qt/my_buddy_smokes_weed_for_his_epilepsy/
%
Republicans are the true snowflakes.

They're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6071w0/republicans_are_the_true_snowflakes/
%
Friend born without one arm

She told me not to be afraid of her, she's harmless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6071mp/friend_born_without_one_arm/
%
Because they know the punchline before you say it.

Why do psychics ruin all the jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6071cl/because_they_know_the_punchline_before_you_say_it/
%
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, the other to hold my penis. My father! The ladder! I meant the ladder...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60717v/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Knock knock

.
Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes sean Connery who's thish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6070b2/knock_knock/
%
What do you call a woman with no asshole?

Divorced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606zrv/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_no_asshole/
%
A police officer pulls someone over

The officer asks the man "What's in the bottle sir?"
"It's just water!" replies the man.
"Sir this is clearly alcohol." says the police officer, clearly able to smell the contents of the bottle.
The very obviously drunk man begins to shout "Praise the Lord and his miracles!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606yx7/a_police_officer_pulls_someone_over/
%
"Fake News, inevitably, will be the end of us all!"

- Napoleon Bonaparte after Buzzfeed posted an article titled "10 Shortest Dynasties (Literally)"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606wqv/fake_news_inevitably_will_be_the_end_of_us_all/
%
Went to the doctors yesterday...

..I said: "doc, im having problems with my hearing"...."really? Can you describe the symptons?" he replied I said "yes, Marge has blue hair and Homers a fat bloke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606ujk/went_to_the_doctors_yesterday/
%
Why don't people believe me when I tell them I have a date every night?

What's wrong with eating healthy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606tsl/why_dont_people_believe_me_when_i_tell_them_i/
%
If you kill 10 children out of a 100..

Only 90 kids will remember

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606sj6/if_you_kill_10_children_out_of_a_100/
%
Keeping fruit juice in the freezer

It's impopsicle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606s1k/keeping_fruit_juice_in_the_freezer/
%
How to write a paper at Moscow University:

1) Putin it off
2) Stalin it
3) And then Russian to finish it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606pwr/how_to_write_a_paper_at_moscow_university/
%
I don't understand why people do all of these marathons for cancer

If I was to do one, I would expect a trophy, not a life threatening disease

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606pu3/i_dont_understand_why_people_do_all_of_these/
%
The police called me "boring" and released me after only 20 minutes,

I guess I wasn't a person of interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606pt8/the_police_called_me_boring_and_released_me_after/
%
Nose to nose

There was this really short little Jewish guy who wanted to get married. So he went to a marriage broker to help him find a wife. After looking over the broker's album of photos of candidates he decides on the girl for him. But the broker protests that he is only 5"3" and the girl he has chosen is 6"2'. It will never work.
Nevertheless, he insists on meeting the girl and it is love at first sight. They are soon married.
Six months later the broker calls him to see how everything is going.
"Oy" he says "Things are not working out. You were right."
"What is the problem?" asks the broker.
"Well", replies the man "It's like this. When we make love and are nose-to-nose, my toes are in it. And when we are toes-to-toes, my nose is in it. And when I'm in it I'm so lonely. There is nobody to talk to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606p2i/nose_to_nose/
%
A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..

Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.
Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"
He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606oxq/a_guy_and_a_girl_are_in_the_same_programming_class/
%
What do the Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606nlq/what_do_the_sixth_sense_and_titanic_have_in_common/
%
Why did the man throw his clock

Because he was ticked off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606ng2/why_did_the_man_throw_his_clock/
%
A husband is tired of getting beaten by his wife...

A husband is tired of getting beaten by his wife in everything.  He challenged her to basketball, to which she promptly beat him 10 - 2.  He challenged her to bowling, again she won 230 to 211.  He tried other sports, board games, eating contests, etc. to which she beat him each time.
He was getting desperate to win against her at something that he finally came up with something only a man can do - pee standing up.  So he challenged his wife to pee on a wall - highest mark wins.
His wife, always up for a challenge, looked at the wall, dropped her drawers, lifted her skirt, hiked up her leg and forced a stream of pee out that hit the wall about 2 feet off the ground.
The husband feeling extremely confident at this point, unzipped his fly, pulled out his dick, got ready to take aim, at which point his wife exclaimed, "Hey, no hands!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606nc4/a_husband_is_tired_of_getting_beaten_by_his_wife/
%
I'm reading a book called "Anticlimax"

It starts off well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606k5w/im_reading_a_book_called_anticlimax/
%
Sleeping with my wife is like playing Hide-and-Seek...

I close my eyes, count to ten and say, "Ready or not, here I come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606jon/sleeping_with_my_wife_is_like_playing_hideandseek/
%
The bartender said, "Haven't you been here before?"

A time traveler walked into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606j1p/the_bartender_said_havent_you_been_here_before/
%
I finally just slept with my high school crush.

Now she expects me to go to her graduation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606h3t/i_finally_just_slept_with_my_high_school_crush/
%
I never realized how jealous my brother can get. He beat the shit out of me just because I slept with the only girl in our class.

Homeschool problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606foj/i_never_realized_how_jealous_my_brother_can_get/
%
"I can still fit into my wedding dress!", my wife bragged.

"That's only because you were 8 months pregnant", I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606f7d/i_can_still_fit_into_my_wedding_dress_my_wife/
%
What did the doctor tell the man with a UTI?

It looks like urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606eaj/what_did_the_doctor_tell_the_man_with_a_uti/
%
Give a man corn and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to grow corn and he'll kill you and steal your land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606e9c/give_a_man_corn_and_he_eats_for_a_day/
%
What's a nuns favort part of trial

The cross examination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606dbo/whats_a_nuns_favort_part_of_trial/
%
Being a dildo is not all it's cracked up to be.

Sure you'd see a lot of pussy action. But sometimes you'd get the shitty gigs too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606d4j/being_a_dildo_is_not_all_its_cracked_up_to_be/
%
Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

You know he's guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606d0y/why_is_the_white_guy_the_scariest_guy_in_prison/
%
This was the epic top comment on my Joke.

" there doesn't seem to be anything here "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606bnr/this_was_the_epic_top_comment_on_my_joke/
%
A scientist asked if I would let him clone me;

I said no, but he made me anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/606b7v/a_scientist_asked_if_i_would_let_him_clone_me/
%
Here, have a joke in spanish

“sabe inglés?"
"si"
"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglés?"
"a shoe"
"salud"
"gracias”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60689h/here_have_a_joke_in_spanish/
%
A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.
The bartender says, "Hey, what's that?".
The pirate replies, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on my head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6065r2/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Hey, girl, can you turn yourself into a trash bag?

...because I want to take you out. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6060w6/hey_girl_can_you_turn_yourself_into_a_trash_bag/
%
Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank

Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605ziz/give_a_man_a_gun_hell_rob_a_bank/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world...

Those who know binary, and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605zcf/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Why must aspiring ninjas study the periodic table?

To master the element of surprise! - haha happy Saturday 🙂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605zb6/why_must_aspiring_ninjas_study_the_periodic_table/
%
Why did the Russian official commit suicide?

He was so distraught about disappointing Vladimir Putin that he shot himself in the back of the head, twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605z4z/why_did_the_russian_official_commit_suicide/
%
What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605ugf/what_is_long_and_hard_that_a_polish_bride_gets_on/
%
Did you hear that Trump Tower is being remodeled to add a clock that resembles Big Ben

I've heard people complain that it has tiny hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605tbl/did_you_hear_that_trump_tower_is_being_remodeled/
%
What does the receptionist say when you leave the sperm bank

Thanks for cumming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605rqu/what_does_the_receptionist_say_when_you_leave_the/
%
I met the man who invented the Big Mac today…

He was much smaller and less appealing than he looked in his photos…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605qzg/i_met_the_man_who_invented_the_big_mac_today/
%
Why did the limbo contestant have such a hard time winning?

His wife had slipped him a Viagra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605qt3/why_did_the_limbo_contestant_have_such_a_hard/
%
Today I donated my watch, phone and $100 to a poor man on the street.

You have no idea how happy I felt when he put the knife back in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605pjn/today_i_donated_my_watch_phone_and_100_to_a_poor/
%
Teacher: Joe give me a sentence starting with "I"

Joe: I is...
Teacher: No, Joe. It is "I am"
Joe: Ok, I am the ninth number of the alphabet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605oct/teacher_joe_give_me_a_sentence_starting_with_i/
%
Seaworld

Thank you for calling SeaWorld, your call may be used for training porpoises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605n99/seaworld/
%
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager find an antique oil lamp

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605mj1/a_sales_rep_an_administration_clerk_and_the/
%
I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605lxw/i_stopped_smoking_weed_the_day_after_i_spent/
%
You give a man a fish, he eats for a day

You give a man a *poisoned* fish, he eats for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605lfh/you_give_a_man_a_fish_he_eats_for_a_day/
%
"Thank you for calling the NSA..."

"The only government organization that **actually** listens to you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605ksc/thank_you_for_calling_the_nsa/
%
My wife keeps trying to convince me to stop competitively ejaculating

But I've come too far to quit now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605kj0/my_wife_keeps_trying_to_convince_me_to_stop/
%
You give a man an apple, it keeps the doctor away for a day

You *teach* a man to apple, he becomes a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605jj9/you_give_a_man_an_apple_it_keeps_the_doctor_away/
%
I heard that quitting smoking is one of the most empowering things you can do in life

I didn't want to miss out, so I took up smoking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605ikl/i_heard_that_quitting_smoking_is_one_of_the_most/
%
What do you call a 1-year-old Nigerian kid crying?

Mid-Life Crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605ik6/what_do_you_call_a_1yearold_nigerian_kid_crying/
%
Actually, the past tense is "hanged", as in "he hanged himself"

Sorry about your Dad, though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605g5u/actually_the_past_tense_is_hanged_as_in_he_hanged/
%
Never buy a big bed

Because even though you'll get more bed room, you'll get less bedroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605fql/never_buy_a_big_bed/
%
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605bz1/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
%
A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Employee: You didn't even try it on.
Psychic: I'm a medium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/605ado/a_psychic_buying_clothes/
%
TIL subway workers can get fired for messing up one sandwich.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60575x/til_subway_workers_can_get_fired_for_messing_up/
%
What do you call several blonde hair blue-eyed men doing the 100 meter dash?

The superior race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6055el/what_do_you_call_several_blonde_hair_blueeyed_men/
%
That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60533y/that_cia_surveillance_leak_sure_is_scary/
%
One man's trash is another Man's treasure

Is not the way to tell your son he is adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6050vw/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
Man, Saturday Night Live has really been going after Donald Trump lately

I guess it makes sense though, since Donald is such a sketchy guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/604xth/man_saturday_night_live_has_really_been_going/
%
Why does Trump have small hands?

It makes it easier for him to pull information right out of his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/604ncs/why_does_trump_have_small_hands/
%
My skin is so oily

that I'm afraid that one day America may invade it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/604mpo/my_skin_is_so_oily/
%
I was always told life is like a box of chocolates..

The fatter you are, the shorter it lasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/604egx/i_was_always_told_life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Two old Polish guys were talking about how tough their childhoods were...

"When I was a boy, my father taught me to swim the old fashioned way! He just took me out to the middle of a lake and threw me overboard!"
"Wow! That must have been scary!"
"Well, it was easy enough swimming back to shore, once I got myself out of that burlap sack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/604ebs/two_old_polish_guys_were_talking_about_how_tough/
%
I organised a gay orgy for men with erectile dysfunction...

But nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/604c1w/i_organised_a_gay_orgy_for_men_with_erectile/
%
Pierre the french pilot ooh là là

Pierre, the famous fighter pilot, returns from war to the apartment of his lover. He takes her in his arms, uncorks a bottle of red wine, and proceeds to pour the contents on her face. "Pierre!" She exclaims, "What are you doing?" "I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot!" He replies. "When I taste red meat, I drink red wine." She swoons and kisses him passionately. He takes her to the bed and rips open her blouse. He uncorks a bottle of white wine and pours it over her chest. "Pierre!" She cries. "What are you doing now?" "I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot!" He answers. "When I taste white meat, I drink white wine." She sighs as he lowers his mouth onto her breast. Things proceed until suddenly, he douses her crotch in gasoline and lights a match. "Pierre?!" She asks in panic. "What are you doing now?" "I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot!" He declares. "And when I go down, I go down in flames!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/604bng/pierre_the_french_pilot_ooh_là_là/
%
Why do they call almond milk, almond milk?

Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6043yn/why_do_they_call_almond_milk_almond_milk/
%
A hitman was being questioned by the police...

"Do I understand this clearly", asked the officer in charge of the questioning, "You only took contracts from celebrities?".
"Yes, that is correct" answered the hitman.
"Why would you do that? Your records say you were building a career and seemed to have everything in order, but then you just threw it all away and became a hitman" said the officer.
"Well, you see, I didn't really want to" said the hitman.
"You didn't want to?" asked the officer, getting irritated. "Is that how you're going to defend yourself in court?!"
"Well it was my dad who wanted me to become a hitman. He said so on his dying bed. I loved my dad dearly, so I couldn't refuse, even tough I didn't actually want to become a hitman."
"Your dad told you to?!" asked the officer, clenching his fist. "What did he say exactly? Word by word."
"He said, holding my hand and almost crying, 'Son, shoot for the stars.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6042hl/a_hitman_was_being_questioned_by_the_police/
%
How much did the pirate pay for his piercings?

A buck an ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6041t2/how_much_did_the_pirate_pay_for_his_piercings/
%
What do you call a fortune-telling midget who has just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/603zgu/what_do_you_call_a_fortunetelling_midget_who_has/
%
Bad joke

Doctor: Sorry to keep you waiting
Patient: No problem. I'm patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/603x66/bad_joke/
%
A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/603woz/a_wife_comes_home_late_one_night/
%
Some people think working in a crematorium is weird...

but it's an honest way to urn a living

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/603ugt/some_people_think_working_in_a_crematorium_is/
%
On their wedding night, a deaf couple discuss how they'll tell their spouse they want to have sex.

The wife signs that when he wants sex to rub her right breast. When he doesn't want sex to rub her left breast.
The husband then signs when she wants sex to stroke his penis twice. When she doesn't want sex to stroke his penis 100 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/603txv/on_their_wedding_night_a_deaf_couple_discuss_how/
%
My boss told me off today because I'm always turning things into a joke...

"So have I made myself clear?" he said.
I replied, "No, I can still see you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/603sja/my_boss_told_me_off_today_because_im_always/
%
A cure for headache

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
The tailor replied, "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck."
Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished,
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/603ohx/a_cure_for_headache/
%
So I used a blunt pencil yesterday...

It was pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/603nbe/so_i_used_a_blunt_pencil_yesterday/
%
What do you call a bra in Germany?

A Stoppemfromfloppen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/603n9q/what_do_you_call_a_bra_in_germany/
%
Why don't all couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships just don't work out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/603ml7/why_dont_all_couples_go_to_the_gym/
%
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her stuff and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/603jig/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_a_transvestite/
%
The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows...

It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/603ika/the_new_girl_at_work_slapped_me_today_because_i/
%
Two limbo players walked into a bar.

They lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6034lp/two_limbo_players_walked_into_a_bar/
%
A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time

As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.
During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.
The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconventional idea that might bring his wife out of the coma. She explained the reaction and suggested that the husband should try oral sex with his wife.
He quickly decided to give it a try, and shut the door for some privacy. After a few minutes, the alarms on the life support equipment began to sound. The nurse rushed into the room and was shocked to find that wife was dead!
"What happened!" screamed the nurse.
"I don't know," said the husband. "She must have choked!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6031sy/a_mans_wife_had_been_in_a_coma_in_hospital_for/
%
What did the lepper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6031oc/what_did_the_lepper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6030ya/when_she_was_growing_up_everybody_laughed_when/
%
What do you call an antivaxer in the 1920s?

Dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60308a/what_do_you_call_an_antivaxer_in_the_1920s/
%
A proctologist decided to take the day off and play Call of Duty, there were lots of newbies in the server.

He rectum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/602zak/a_proctologist_decided_to_take_the_day_off_and/
%
What is the nationality of someone with many knees?

Poly-knee-sian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/602wjz/what_is_the_nationality_of_someone_with_many_knees/
%
Why is teaching calculus so difficult in the South?

They hate integration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/602vjx/why_is_teaching_calculus_so_difficult_in_the_south/
%
Two idiots, Timmy and Tommy, are in a bar discussing how to make babies.

"My wife and me been trying to have a baby, but no luck yet."  Says Timmy. "But we're trying everday."
"It doesn't work if you put it in her butt. Sure you doing the sex right?" Tommy asks.
"Yeah, I know how to make sex, I'm not a moron. Ya stick your man stick in her lady hole until ya orjizzim. I learned all about how to do sex in high school in that Sexual Ed class."
"Did you pee in her after?" Tommy asks.
"What?  Why would I do that?"
"Ladies got them 'flow-pee-in-tubes' for making babies." Tommy explains.  "You gotta pee right after you organism. Trust me, i got like 2 or 3 kids already."
So Timmy goes home and tries Tommy's advice.  A few weeks later, they meet up again.
"Any luck with that baby sex making?" Asks Tommy.
"Nothing yet."  Says Timmy. "I tried your pee trick.  But me and the wife just get stuck together, because the condom fills up like a water balloon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/602vd7/two_idiots_timmy_and_tommy_are_in_a_bar/
%
After a long day I like to lay down in my bed, look up at the stars, and think to myself..

Where the hell did my roof go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/602tqa/after_a_long_day_i_like_to_lay_down_in_my_bed/
%
I think I rubbed a lamp and out came a genie?

He told me he would grant only one of two of my most desired wishes; a perfect memory, or a big dick, and frankly, I can't remember which I picked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/602oip/i_think_i_rubbed_a_lamp_and_out_came_a_genie/
%
Strong people don't put other people down.

They lift them up and slam them to the ground for maximum impact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/602n9o/strong_people_dont_put_other_people_down/
%
What do you call a dog with no back legs and iron balls?

Sparky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/602l1d/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_back_legs_and_iron/
%
What do you do with an Irishman with 4 balls?

You let him walk to first and face the next batter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/602k1h/what_do_you_do_with_an_irishman_with_4_balls/
%
My wife and I were happy for 23 years.

Then, we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/602hso/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_23_years/
%
Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

The bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"
Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it."  "And then...importantly...A genie came out."  "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."
For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too."  That wish was granted.
For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country."  That wish was granted too.
And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/602glu/barack_obama_walks_into_a_bar_but_he_is_invisible/
%
Thank god I'm an atheist

Wait...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/602gdq/thank_god_im_an_atheist/
%
A Raunchy One!

A  horny  American is walking along Jalan Bukit Bintang, in Kuala Lumpur one night and a very gorgeous girl catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one
of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-trade.
"How much do you charge?", asks he.
Mary replies, "It starts at 500 ringgit for a hand-job."
He says, "500 ringgit for a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind
of money!"
With a saucy flick of her eyelashes, Mary says, "Do you see that Mary
Restaurant on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the next Mary's about another block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see the third Mary's, just by the side of the old
Cathay cinema?"
"Yes."
"Well," says Mary, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth 500 ringgit."
He then exclaims, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it
a try."
They retire to the nearby Marriott Hotel.
A short time later,  he is sitting on the bed realising that he
just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500 ringgit.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is 1,000 ringgit?"
Mary replies, "RM1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
Mary then says, while signalling him to come closer to her.
"Come closer to this window, big boy. Do you see that bank just across the
junction to Jalan Sultan Ismail?
I own that bank outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's
worth every sen of 1,500 ringgit !"
And poor customer , basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job,
decides to cancel his intended new mobile phone and says, "Give it to me
!!!"
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's
worth.
He decides to dip into what else he may have left with him for one more
glorious and unforgettable experience.
He then asks Mary,"How much for some pussy?"
Mary replies, "Come over here to this other window, I want to show you
something.
Do you see how the whole city of Kuala Lumpur is laid out before us .....
all those beautiful lights, banks .... corporate offices .... business
houses ..... and big-&-small shops and places?"
"Wowwww !!" he shouts out in awe, "You own the whole city ??"
"No," Mary replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/602gcn/a_raunchy_one/
%
A Farmer and His Daughter's Boyfriends

A farmer insists on vetting his daughters' boyfriends before they're allowed out on dates. One night, a young man appears at the front door, and says to the farmer, "Hello, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" and the farmer lets them go. A second young man comes to the door, and says, "Hi, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?" and off they go. Then a third young man appears and says, "Hi, I'm Tucker..." and the farmer shoots him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6028zm/a_farmer_and_his_daughters_boyfriends/
%
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6023v0/whats_the_difference_between_mashed_potatoes_and/
%
What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Do-you-think-he-saurus.
Credit: Jurassic Park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601y1x/what_do_you_call_a_blind_dinosaur/
%
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One but the lightbulb must want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601wlv/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A man is late for work...

Upon entering, his boss yells "you should have been here at 8:30!"
The man replies "Why, what happened at 8:30?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601vs3/a_man_is_late_for_work/
%
You gotta love your job....

My dream job is cleaning mirrors, that's a job I can see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601v5k/you_gotta_love_your_job/
%
Two condoms walk past a gay bar...

One says to the other- "Let's go in and get shit-faced"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601stw/two_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
%
My cat just told me I was schizophrenic.

I didn't believe him, of course. I don't have a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601p8w/my_cat_just_told_me_i_was_schizophrenic/
%
Any Irishman and a Scott have a duel at a bar...

The irishman exclaims, "You Scottish can't drink! We Irish are the best drinkers!"
Scott exclaims, "Ye don no wha ye takin boot! Any scott can drink any irishman under ye table!"
The two drink to the early morning. Who wins?
The bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601p8m/any_irishman_and_a_scott_have_a_duel_at_a_bar/
%
Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first scientist orders h2O, the second says he wants H2O too. The bartender gives both a water because he saw this joke on reddit before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601ldg/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Where do Suicide Bombers go when they die

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601jga/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_when_they_die/
%
What do you call a narcissistic spaceship?

The Millennial Falcon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601h4o/what_do_you_call_a_narcissistic_spaceship/
%
How does a Muslim close a door?

Islams it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601ggq/how_does_a_muslim_close_a_door/
%
How does a redditor fix a fence?

They repost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601g54/how_does_a_redditor_fix_a_fence/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish family?

None.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601g1a/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
%
I told my son to get an education.

He said, "I won't."
I said, "Why?"
He said, "Cause you got one and now you're married with five kids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601ffz/i_told_my_son_to_get_an_education/
%
I'm pretty good at estimating.

I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601f6w/im_pretty_good_at_estimating/
%
A man gets pulled over with 5 penguins in his car.

The cop tells the man "sir you can't drive around with penguins in your car."
The man says "I wasn't aware, what should I do with them"
"Bring them to the zoo"
The next day the man gets pulled over again and the same cop approaches the car and says "sir I thought I told you to bring those penguins to the zoo"
The man says "I did, and we had such a great time today I'm bringing them to the beach"
(I know this is a silly joke, it was told to me by a friend of my grandfathers.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601dzz/a_man_gets_pulled_over_with_5_penguins_in_his_car/
%
A farmer and a professor are on the train

The teacher walks up to him, seeing that he is the only one on the train.
The professor says "Hello farmer, I want to make a deal, if I ask you a question and you don't know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars. On the other hand, if you ask me a question and I don't get it, I pay you 500$."
The farmer agrees and they shake.
The profesor asks "How much miles apart are the moon and the sun?"
The farmer, having no education, doesn't know, and gives him 5 dollars.
Happily, the professor takes the money.
The farmer asks "What comes up a mountain with 3 legs and comes down with 4?"
The professor does not know and hands him 500$.
The farmer takes it and says "I going to take a nap"
The professor, thinks about the problem and wakes the farmer up asking "What was the answer for that riddle?"
The farmer wakes up, and hands him 5$, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601dze/a_farmer_and_a_professor_are_on_the_train/
%
What type of book do you record your shits in

A logbook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601dez/what_type_of_book_do_you_record_your_shits_in/
%
A recent study has found that women who carry extra weight live longer...

Than the men who mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/601d0t/a_recent_study_has_found_that_women_who_carry/
%
How do you separate the men from the boys in Greece?

With a crowbar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6014nt/how_do_you_separate_the_men_from_the_boys_in/
%
What's the difference between Cinco de Mayo and St. Patricks Day?

No one pretends to be mexican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6013se/whats_the_difference_between_cinco_de_mayo_and_st/
%
Adam, Eve, and their kids build a hut...

As they didn't have any of our modern conveniences, they were looking for ways to make themselves more comfortable. Cain notices that the opening in the wall lets lots of bugs in, so he comes up with a solution. He cuts a tree down and starts shaping the wood into a rectangle to cover it. Meanwhile, his brother Abel comes back from the field with a cute little lamb in his arms. Intrigued, he approaches his brother.
He asks, "hey Cain, what are you working on?"
Cain looks up from his work.
"That's a door, Abel."
~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6013o0/adam_eve_and_their_kids_build_a_hut/
%
An Irish man took his son to a bar

He order his son a Guinness
But his son wouldn't drink it so he drank it
Then the man thought maybe he's into Murphy's
So he ordered a Murphy's but his son still wouldn't drink it, so the man drank it
The man thought maybe his son wasn't into beer but into whiskey
So he ordered a whiskey for his son but again, his son wouldn't drink drink it
The man finally gave up and said  "I'm going home"
But he was so fucking drunk, he couldn't push the stroller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6011b2/an_irish_man_took_his_son_to_a_bar/
%
I became a proud father today

... my son was actually born 3 years ago but had been a boring fucker so far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60118h/i_became_a_proud_father_today/
%
What do you call a person who's skin falls off while robbing you?

Leper-con. Happy st pattys day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6010i1/what_do_you_call_a_person_whos_skin_falls_off/
%
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600xyx/what_is_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
%
A guy walks into the bathroom and sees a leprechaun

A man walks into the bathroom and sees a leprechaun taking a piss.  The man grabs the leprechaun and says, "I got you, where's the gold?"
The leprechaun tells the man the he will give him the gold but first he needs the man to answer 3 questions and do one task.
The man agrees and the leprechaun asks,
What is your name?
Jerry
How old are you Jerry?
37
Are you married Jerry?
Yes, married with 3 kids
Now Jerry, I'm going to need you to suck my leprechaun dick.
Jerry considers backing out but decides he really needs the money and blows the leprechaun.
As the leprechaun zips up his pants he says to Jerry,
Jerry, I have one more question...
You're 37 years old, married with 3 kids and you still believe in leprechauns?
Happy St Patrick's day moron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600xkv/a_guy_walks_into_the_bathroom_and_sees_a/
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Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?

You don't want to press your luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600wr0/why_should_you_never_iron_a_4leaf_clover/
%
Wat's the difference between the Falcons and a dollar bill?

A dollar bill is good for 4 quarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600uwa/wats_the_difference_between_the_falcons_and_a/
%
What is a telephone's favorite color?

Green green, green green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600srv/what_is_a_telephones_favorite_color/
%
Irishman...

Old Patrick O'Reilly is on his deathbed. He calls his oldest son to his bedside:
"Son, you wouldn't deny yer poor old father his last request, now would you?"
"No, of course not, Da! Anything!"
"Well then, I want you to run over and fetch the Protestant minister across the way so I can convert."
"No, Da! You're not thinkin' right! I canna' do it!"
"Son- you said you'd do anything, so mind me now and get him here, I haven't much time."
The son leaves and gets the minister out of his chambers and brings him to his father's bedside.
Meanwhile, the parish priest gets wind of what's going on and rushes over, just in time to meet the minister coming down the steps.
"You're too late, Padre. He's a Protestant now."
The priest rushes to the man's side.
"Patty! Why'd ya' do it, man?!?"
The old man smiles and says-
"Father, I just figured if there was any dyin' to be done this night, better it be one of them than one of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600r5q/irishman/
%
They played the Macarena, I did the Macarena. They played the Twist, I did the twist. They played Come On Eileen…

…I got kicked out for that one…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600po3/they_played_the_macarena_i_did_the_macarena_they/
%
Why couldn't the chameleon change colour?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600pfx/why_couldnt_the_chameleon_change_colour/
%
A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600olg/a_physicist_engineer_and_mathematician_are_asked/
%
A particle walks into a bar...

...and his friend gets him a drink and asks how he's been. He says, "Not great. I just got laid off by my employer, and I haven't been able to find a new one, so I'm between jobs at the moment. Thankfully, though, I've recently been hired for a new position." His friend is puzzled and asks, "How can you be between jobs and still have a position?" The particle says, "It's a superposition."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600m48/a_particle_walks_into_a_bar/
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Maybe the end of Amy Schumer's new show is really funny.

I guess nobody will ever know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600ket/maybe_the_end_of_amy_schumers_new_show_is_really/
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My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more…

I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600j0w/my_wife_said_she_was_leaving_me_today_because_he/
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A way to get tons of people in a Microsoft Word party

is to Calibri (Body)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600gay/a_way_to_get_tons_of_people_in_a_microsoft_word/
%
What do you call a computer that sings?

A dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600g32/what_do_you_call_a_computer_that_sings/
%
What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

One sells watches
One watches cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600fr1/whats_the_difference_between_a_jeweler_and_a/
%
What is Heck?

It's where you go when you don't believe in Gosh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600egc/what_is_heck/
%
What do you call a man with no nose and no body?

Nobody nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600dh2/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_nose_and_no_body/
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Do you know what I like more than a rose on my piano?

Tulips on my organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600ce1/do_you_know_what_i_like_more_than_a_rose_on_my/
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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.

But then I got kicked out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/600a9s/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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A man bought the same thing from the same bar every day for months

Everyday, this man would buy two beers, around the same time. He would drink them both and then leave.
After this went on for a little while, the bartender finally asked the man "Why do you always buy two beers everyday and then just leave?"
"My good friend is away at war and isn't allowed to drink. So, I promised him that every day, I would drink one beer for him, and one beer for myself."
The bartender was touched.
For months, the man would come in every day and share his friend's war stories with the bartender, while enjoying a cold beer for himself and one for his friend.
One day, the man came in, sat down, and was brought the regular: two beers.
"Oh no," he said. "I only need one from now on."
Shocked, the bartender gave his condolences. "How'd it happen?" He asked.
"It all started a few weeks when I found two well dressed young men on my porch. I opened my door and was asked 'Would you mind if we share a message about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?' 'Sure,' I said, letting them in. Then this morning, I got baptized."
Confused, the bartender asked "What does this have to do with how your friend died?"
"Oh, my friend is fine," the man said.
"Then why only one beer?" Asked the bartender.
"Because I can't have one for myself anymore, I'm Mormon now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60051n/a_man_bought_the_same_thing_from_the_same_bar/
%
Don't Die A Virgin...

There Are Terrorist Waiting Up There For You

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/60026v/dont_die_a_virgin/
%
Why do elephants paint their balls red?

To hide in cherry trees. What is the loudest noise in the forest?
A giraffe eating cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zzxa4/why_do_elephants_paint_their_balls_red/
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If I had $0.50 for every gender that I've met

I'd have $1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zztac/if_i_had_050_for_every_gender_that_ive_met/
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A husband find his wife in bed with no clothes and sweating and he says

What's wrong honey? A HEART ATTACK, the wife says.
So he runs out to call for help when he trips with his 3 year old kid and the kid screams "Daddy daddy there's a monster in my closet" So the dad quickly goes to the kid's closet and finds his best friend naked and the dad says, - Johnny!! you son of a bitch... my wife is having a heart attack and here you are scaring my kid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zzsqq/a_husband_find_his_wife_in_bed_with_no_clothes/
%
Teacher:"Anyone who thinks they're stupid stand up!"

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zzs58/teacheranyone_who_thinks_theyre_stupid_stand_up/
%
Why do teenage girls travel in odd number groups?

Because they can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zzr9j/why_do_teenage_girls_travel_in_odd_number_groups/
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Have you heard of the new dating app for Catholic priests?

It's called "Kinder".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zzqoi/have_you_heard_of_the_new_dating_app_for_catholic/
%
That's a nice shamrock you've got there.

It would be a shame if someone replaced the -rock with an e.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zzoo1/thats_a_nice_shamrock_youve_got_there/
%
How do you make a pirate laugh?

Tell him r/jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zz8hy/how_do_you_make_a_pirate_laugh/
%
Nurse: Doctor, we have a patient that says is invisible.

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zz8dv/nurse_doctor_we_have_a_patient_that_says_is/
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Did you hear that the Irish are protesting for the removal of the Leprechaun image on the Lucky Charms box because it's offensive?

Just kidding, the Irish aren't offended by jack shit because they're not pussies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zz3pe/did_you_hear_that_the_irish_are_protesting_for/
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If you're not part of the solution

You're part of the precipitate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zz2ik/if_youre_not_part_of_the_solution/
%
I asked my boss

I asked my new boss why she wasn't wearing any green today. She told me she didn't feel right celebrating St. Paddy's day since she didn't have an Irish bone in her body. I asked her if she wanted one.
Know anyone hiring?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zz11w/i_asked_my_boss/
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RIP Starbucks

The man getting served in front of me at Starbucks asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."
The guy was fuming.
"I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" “This is B.S.” he raged.
"Fine! Just give me a darned latte!" He went and sat down, grumbling.
I went to the counter and said, "I'll have a large latte too, please." They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready. So I told them my name was Mocha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zyzwv/rip_starbucks/
%
Why couldn't the Italian explain himself to the police?

He was handcuffed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zyzsu/why_couldnt_the_italian_explain_himself_to_the/
%
What did the pirate say to his pyromaniac son?

Arr! Son!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zywct/what_did_the_pirate_say_to_his_pyromaniac_son/
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of is paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zyu60/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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Some say that beer is soda with soul...

No wonder ginger ale isn't alcoholic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zyr1n/some_say_that_beer_is_soda_with_soul/
%
Learn how to speak Irish in seconds...

Say these words quickly:
Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zypvh/learn_how_to_speak_irish_in_seconds/
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In honour of St. Patrick's day, I present one of my best irish jokes.

Murphy is sitting at pub, downing the last pint. He turns to the boys and says "Alright, this is it for me. The witch at home'll beat me knowing im out all night"
He gives a wave, goes to hop off the bar stool and falls flat on his face. "My god, I haven't been this drunk in ages."
He pulls himself up onto a stool and says "Alright boys, I'll be seeing ya tomorrow" and goes to take a step but falls flat on his face again.
"My god this is fuckin embarrassing." He crawls his way to the door, pulls himself on the handle, turns around and says "This time for good!"
He opens the door and falls hard onto the concrete. "Fuck it, I'm crawling home."
He crawls his way home, up the stairs, into the bedroom and falls asleep with all his clothes on.
The next morning he wakes up to his wife beating him with the paper. "Wake up you drunk, I know you're at the bar all night."
Murphy jumps awake and says "Was it that rat bastard Kelly that told on me, the prick"
She says "No, the bar called, you left your wheelchair there again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zypam/in_honour_of_st_patricks_day_i_present_one_of_my/
%
So there God was creating the Earth...

So there God was creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael and starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?"
"I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles.
"Balance?" Michael asked confused.... "How so?"
"Well, have a look. You see the two ends? They're cold, but the middle is very warm. So it balances out." God could see that Michael almost got it.
"See how she spins. That gives half of it light and the other half dark. Always changing, but always balanced."
Michael smiled finally getting it. That's when a little green island caught his eye. "What's that island?"
With this, God put on an even bigger smile. "She's a beauty, isn't see? That's Ireland. Perfect weather, perfect hunting and fishing, the best beer and the most beautiful girls in the world."
Michael was impressed but said. "Its amazing, but how do you balance out something so wonderful?
God shrugged. "I put it next to England."
Happy St. Paddy's to all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zyoc6/so_there_god_was_creating_the_earth/
%
Why wasn't the physicist angry after he got hit by a car?

Because he knew that he hit the car as hard as it hit him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zyo2m/why_wasnt_the_physicist_angry_after_he_got_hit_by/
%
Never feel worthless

Your organs are worth thousands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zym6j/never_feel_worthless/
%
I came home to find an axe buried in my pc

I think it has been hacked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zyhjp/i_came_home_to_find_an_axe_buried_in_my_pc/
%
How do you know if your house was burgled by smurfs?

Look for blueprints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zyhcy/how_do_you_know_if_your_house_was_burgled_by/
%
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer...

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.” Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zyh28/two_irishmen_were_sitting_at_a_pub_having_beer/
%
Star Wars joke.

Han: Are we in the right path?
Yoda: Offcourse, we are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zygje/star_wars_joke/
%
A little boy was born with no eyelids..

A little boy was born with no eyelids. The doctor said when we circumcise him we can take some of that skin and make him new ones.  As the boy grew up he was able to see just fine, other than being a little cock-eyed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zyfpk/a_little_boy_was_born_with_no_eyelids/
%
A local tribe captured three men hiking in their forest

The leader told them that they will only let them go if they bring him 10 pieces of the tastiest fruit they can find.
The first guy came back with 10 pieces of banana.
The leader told him that he will sodomize him with those 10 bananas. If he scream, cry, or laugh, he will be sentenced to death. Otherwise, he will be set free.
Halfway through the first banana, he cried in pain then he was killed.
The second guy came back with 10 grapes and the leader told him the same thing. Just before the last piece of grape was inserted in his ass, he laughed then he was killed.
The two meet in heaven
1: Hey you were almost free. Why did you laugh?
2: I saw John came back with 10 pineapples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zydtb/a_local_tribe_captured_three_men_hiking_in_their/
%
What do you call an Irishman who bounces off walls?

Rick O'Shea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zyd3v/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_who_bounces_off_walls/
%
What's the difference between Saint Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day?

Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Paddy's. Edit- Paddy's not patty's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zybxs/whats_the_difference_between_saint_patricks_day/
%
That's baaad

A sheep goes to see a doctor.
"How are ewe doing today," he asks.
"I'm a little horse," she says.
"Ma'am," says the doctor, "I'm afraid you have a dissociative identity disorder."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zybl7/thats_baaad/
%
Knock, knock!

Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zyazu/knock_knock/
%
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zyayg/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
%
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital

While  on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she  asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2  months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to  stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants  and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair  color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she  figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last  operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street  on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front  of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why  didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zy9dp/a_54_year_old_woman_had_a_heart_attack_and_was/
%
An LGBTQ activist asked me "How do you view lesbian relations?"

I replied "In HD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zy8yp/an_lgbtq_activist_asked_me_how_do_you_view/
%
My neighbour knocked on my door at 3 o'clock this morning!!! What a lunatic!!! 3 AM!!!

Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zy8cj/my_neighbour_knocked_on_my_door_at_3_oclock_this/
%
My dad owns this reversible leather belt.

On one side, it was this smooth brown leather. On the other side, he would beat me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zy4tu/my_dad_owns_this_reversible_leather_belt/
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I have 2 interesting facts about me

fact 1), my cock is as long as two ikea pencils.
fact 2), I'm banned from Ikea.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zy36y/i_have_2_interesting_facts_about_me/
%
What's Irish and lives on your back porch?

Paddy O'Furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zy0a2/whats_irish_and_lives_on_your_back_porch/
%
Why don't polio jokes get a laugh?

No one gets it anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxx9b/why_dont_polio_jokes_get_a_laugh/
%
When the God created Adam...

He realised that Adam was imperfect.
..
Then God created FRANK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxrya/when_the_god_created_adam/
%
Whats the difference between a joke on Reddit and a joke on a popsicle stick?

Ive never had a joke on Reddit stuck up my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxrip/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_on_reddit_and/
%
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxqnt/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
%
I think I want to put my grades up for adoption

Because I can't raise them myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxnrw/i_think_i_want_to_put_my_grades_up_for_adoption/
%
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in the cookpot?

Because one more would be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxml8/why_do_the_irish_only_put_239_beans_in_the_cookpot/
%
A St Paddies day joke

An Irish man walks out of a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxmki/a_st_paddies_day_joke/
%
Gay men shouldn't be allowed kids...

... no one could survive that many dad jokes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxl3q/gay_men_shouldnt_be_allowed_kids/
%
How do we know Jesus was Irish?

He lived at home til he was 30, had 12 drinking buddies and his mother thought he was God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxhji/how_do_we_know_jesus_was_irish/
%
Mommy, is daddy tall?

Yes dear. He is rather tall.
Is daddy wrecked?
Wrecked? No. What are you talking about honey?
I heard you tell Aunt Sarah that Daddy was getting a "wrecked tall exam".  With "Conan Oscar P."  Who's that?
No dear.  I said dad was getting a "rectal exam", it's called a "colonoscopy".
Oh... What's that?
It's a medical exam, like a checkup, for your bum.
Oh...Mommy, did you have a bum exam?
Yes, I actually had one last year.
Did you cheat on the exam?
No honey, you can't really cheat on a rectal exam.  Why do you ask?
Because I heard you tell Aunt Sarah that you "cheated on that asshole".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxgpp/mommy_is_daddy_tall/
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What do you call a guy who always tells the truth?

Frank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxgjg/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_always_tells_the_truth/
%
Never iron a four leaf clover.

You don't want to press your luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxg6h/never_iron_a_four_leaf_clover/
%
I forgot how my boomerang worked so I just threw it

And then it hit me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxfbz/i_forgot_how_my_boomerang_worked_so_i_just_threw/
%
Happy St. Patricks Day. Where we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into unconsciousness.

Or as the Irish call it...breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxevk/happy_st_patricks_day_where_we_honor_a_patron/
%
What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zxc03/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
What's White with Black Spots?

A Dalmatian.
What's black with white spots?
A plantation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zx8bq/whats_white_with_black_spots/
%
What's the square root of 69?

Ate something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zx7sb/whats_the_square_root_of_69/
%
Breakups in China are the worst

You see her face everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zx70p/breakups_in_china_are_the_worst/
%
You really can't blame Pee Wee Herman for what he did...

I mean, it's not like he could just do it at home with all of his furniture watching him..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zx5ut/you_really_cant_blame_pee_wee_herman_for_what_he/
%
Rick will give you any movie in his Pixar collection but

he's never gonna give you Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zx5p9/rick_will_give_you_any_movie_in_his_pixar/
%
She said yes!

Thats's right - mom finally admitted that I'm adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zx4kd/she_said_yes/
%
I was picking up some dog poo in the park today and thought to myself...

I really should get a dog…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zx219/i_was_picking_up_some_dog_poo_in_the_park_today/
%
I tried taking heroin the other night, but it didn't work

My efforts were in vein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zx0o2/i_tried_taking_heroin_the_other_night_but_it/
%
How business is done

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No!
Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.
Son: Ok then.
Dad goes to Bill Gates.
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No!
Dad: My son is the CEO of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ok then.
Dad goes to the president of the World Bank
Dad: Make my son the CEO of your bank.
President: No!
Dad: He is the son in law of Bill Gates.
President: Ok then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwzzh/how_business_is_done/
%
How many feminist does it take to screw in a light bulb?

The first feminist asks a man to do it for her. The man agrees, he gets his ladder and a new light bulb. The second feminist starts yelling "YOU'RE A SEXIST PIG IF YOU THINK WOMEN NEED YOUR HELP." The man ignores her and starts to unscrew the light bulb when a third feminist comes storming into the room, rips off her shirt and starts jumping around causing the man to lose his footing. The man falls hard on his back and he can feel blood leaking from his skull. As he slips in and out of consciousness all he can see is the other two women taking their shirts off too and now all three are jumping around. Then he hears a fourth feminist enter the room "OH MY GOD" she screams as she pulls out her phone and dials 911 "Hello, police I have an emergency, yes, I'd like to report a rape. There's this creepy man objectifying my friends and I right now and I think he's dangerous. I have my keys in my hand and I'm ready to defend myself if I have to, please hurry." A fifth feminist comes in and hits the light switch and asks "why were the lights off?" A sixth feminist comes in squats over the man squirts a paint egg out of her lady area onto the mans face, takes a picture of it, uploads it to tumblr with the caption #art. The man dies. The first feminist starts crying "the reason more men die at work is because the patriarchy brainwashes them into taking higher risk jobs." The second feminist starts crying "the only reason you feel bad for him is because you have internalized misogyny and you think his chauvinism was romantic because you saw it on t.v. or something." The third feminist crys "it's cold in here, I think the air conditioning is oppressing me again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwt72/how_many_feminist_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Roses Are Read, Violets are Blue

I thought I was ugly,
Until I met you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwsu6/roses_are_read_violets_are_blue/
%
I love summer here in Ireland

It's my favorite day of the year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwqua/i_love_summer_here_in_ireland/
%
Birth control pills should be for men.

It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwq5l/birth_control_pills_should_be_for_men/
%
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games...

I stoped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwnj3/i_thought_my_son_was_spending_too_much_time/
%
I have tourettes

But I live in Australia so none of these cunts have a fucking clue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwn1v/i_have_tourettes/
%
Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwmjk/obama_smoked_weed_growing_up_and_now_look_where/
%
I think I'm relatives with sun.

We're both hot, a star and the world revolves around us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwlo8/i_think_im_relatives_with_sun/
%
"Where's your mother in law?"

- "She's in the garden."
- "Where? I can't see her."
- "You have to dig a little."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwkms/wheres_your_mother_in_law/
%
All my friends keep telling me "Get Out" is a must-see.

I don't know, though.... I've never really been a fan of black comedy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwk4q/all_my_friends_keep_telling_me_get_out_is_a/
%
What did the Neutron say to the Proton in the nucleus?

"Thanks for letting me live here free of charge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwjrr/what_did_the_neutron_say_to_the_proton_in_the/
%
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwjrg/my_4_year_old_son_just_got_me_with_a_dad_joke_i/
%
What do you get from a sad cow?

Blue cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwia0/what_do_you_get_from_a_sad_cow/
%
A blonde is driving to work

when she hears on the radio: "You are listening to Radio 1". The blonde gets angry and starts yelling: "HOW THE HELL DO THEY KNOW WHAT I'M LISTENING??!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwgmc/a_blonde_is_driving_to_work/
%
The Little Red Racing Car

A joke I heard back in my Primary school years. I remember finding it hilarious at the time.
*****
There was a family who had a pair of twins, both a mere 4 years old. One was a charming little boy, the other a dainty, coy girl.
One day, the girl and her mother went into the shower. The mother dropped the soap and the girl bent down to pick it up. On the way down, she saw the mother's vag, and curious, she asked: "What's that?"
Thinking of a way to get out of the situation, she attempted a nonchalant answer. "That? Oh, that's just my garage."
Afterwards, upon drying off and changing, she walked past the father and her brother with a smug smile on her face, having known something he didn't.
It was now the boy's turn to shower with his father. The father accidentally dropped the shampoo and the boy bent over to pick it up when he asked: "What's that?"
The father, having thought it through, replied, "That's my Little Red Racing Car."
The next day, the twins showered together.
The boy dropped the soap. As he bent over to pick it up, he saw the girl's vag and asked: "What's that?"
"That's my garage."
In turn, the girl asked: "What's that?"
"That's my little red racing car."
After a few moments of silence, the girl asked, "Wanna put the Little Red Racing Car inside the Garage?"
"Sure," replied the young boy.
A few minutes later, the mother, alone in her room, suddenly heard screaming from the bathroom.
She rushed in to assess the situation when she saw the boy on the floor grabbing his crotch in a pool of blood. His scrotum was next to him, having been cut off.
The girl was holding a knife. The mother asked, all a fluster, "What happened?"
The girl simply shrugged and replied, "The Little Red Racing Car was too big so we cut off the back wheels."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwf6c/the_little_red_racing_car/
%
"I'm so fucking wet right now! Give it to me!"

Jokes on her, I won't give her the umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwbgc/im_so_fucking_wet_right_now_give_it_to_me/
%
For St. Patrick's Day: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwb5g/for_st_patricks_day_how_many_potatoes_does_it/
%
I heard there's a guy that destroyed a group of Higgs Boson particles.

He's a mass murderer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zwapi/i_heard_theres_a_guy_that_destroyed_a_group_of/
%
a mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. he says "uno, dos...

*poof*... he disappears without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zw91e/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
%
What is the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke?

The difference is always a parent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zw5xv/what_is_the_difference_between_a_bad_joke_and_a/
%
What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? (aka 'The 4:20 Joke' from How I Met Your Mother) [NSFW]

I can't jelly my dick in your ass. (Featured in season 4, episode 20 : "Mosbius Designs", on the glorious HIMYM)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zw553/whats_the_difference_between_jelly_and_jam_aka/
%
Joe was constantly suffering from headache since long time.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zw385/joe_was_constantly_suffering_from_headache_since/
%
Had to quit my band after nobody came to any of our gigs.

Going to miss the boys from "Private Function".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvzzy/had_to_quit_my_band_after_nobody_came_to_any_of/
%
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. Germans are efficient, not funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvzfu/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Just how deep is the average vagina actually?

Deep enough for a man to lose his house, his car,his dog and half of all his savings and assets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvy9o/just_how_deep_is_the_average_vagina_actually/
%
Welcome to the mathematician club!

Where everybody counts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvu6a/welcome_to_the_mathematician_club/
%
They say that happiness is the key to everything...

So when I got locked out of my house, I smiled at the lock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvs0m/they_say_that_happiness_is_the_key_to_everything/
%
Hey Grandma, be careful. They said on the radio someone is driving the wrong way down the highway.

"That's funny, I see hundreds of them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvo2s/hey_grandma_be_careful_they_said_on_the_radio/
%
A feminist once asked me, "What are your views on lesbians?"

I said "1080p."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvn3h/a_feminist_once_asked_me_what_are_your_views_on/
%
Oh well...

A man is concerned about the state of his marriage. He decides to spice things up, he leaves work early and comes home to find his wife, under the covers in bed napping. Without waking her up, he slides under the blanket and goes down on her. She starts moaning, squirming, and finally finishes. He gets up, goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Sitting on the toilet, painting her nails, listening to headphones is his wife. "HONEY! What ar..."
She quickly interrupts him. "SHHHH Your mom is sleeping on our bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvm5o/oh_well/
%
What did 50 cent say to Eminem...

After Eminem made him a sweater for Christmas?
Gee, you knit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvk16/what_did_50_cent_say_to_eminem/
%
A Father decides to get a divorce

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York.
He says "Hey listen, I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell ya something... after 48 years of misery, enough is enough. Your mother and I are getting a divorce."
The kid says "Pop! What are you talking about?!"
He replies "Look, we can't stand the sight of each other any more, and I'm honestly sick of talking about this, so do me a favor, call your sister in Chicago and tell her"
He hangs up
Frantic, the son quickly calls his sister who explodes on the phone "There's no way they're getting a divorce!! I'll take care of this!!"
She immediately calls the old man, he picks up and she screams "You are NOT getting a divorce, I'm calling my brother back and we are both coming there tomorrow! Until then, don't do a thing, you understand me?!"
The daughter hangs up and the father turns to his wife and says
"Well honey they're both coming home for Christmas and they're paying for their own flight"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvh5d/a_father_decides_to_get_a_divorce/
%
BLONDES & COMPUTERS

Q: How are blondes and computers similar?
A: You never appreciate them until they go down on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvh1l/blondes_computers/
%
TIL that the U.S. almost declared war against Russia by thinking that an allied underwater warship on their radar belonged to Russia...

Oops...wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvgc9/til_that_the_us_almost_declared_war_against/
%
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the   monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did  just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvg7u/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
%
A fat woman is talking to her doctor...

Woman: The problem is obesity runs in my family.
Doctor: No the problem is that no one runs in your family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvfh9/a_fat_woman_is_talking_to_her_doctor/
%
Cremation isn't free

You gotta urn it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvffx/cremation_isnt_free/
%
So I bought a new car, and was having trouble figuring out the new seatbelt...

then it clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvds9/so_i_bought_a_new_car_and_was_having_trouble/
%
Trump and Putin are just finishing up their phone conversation.

Trump: Go ahead and hang up, Vladimir.
Putin: No, Donald, please, you hang up first.
Trump: No you hang up first.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up.
NSA:  Jesus, we are going to run out of tape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zvcic/trump_and_putin_are_just_finishing_up_their_phone/
%
What has four wheels and flies?

A homeless cripple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zv9p3/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Without thinking, the other replies "not at all".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zv9av/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10 but non-existent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zv6a4/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
Congrats to Gaston on his award!

The No-Belle Prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zv2pa/congrats_to_gaston_on_his_award/
%
Netflix is replacing its star ratings with thumbs up and thumbs down.

Whether you like it, or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zv0es/netflix_is_replacing_its_star_ratings_with_thumbs/
%
A man asks god some questions.

A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responds, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replies, “So she would love you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zv071/a_man_asks_god_some_questions/
%
I have a short friend who's epileptic and makes pizza for a living

I call him Little Seizures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zuz12/i_have_a_short_friend_whos_epileptic_and_makes/
%
You walk into a gas station to buy a salad

You have two choices: regular or unlettuced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zuynx/you_walk_into_a_gas_station_to_buy_a_salad/
%
An elderly couple are in church

"I've just let out a silent fart." The old lady whispers to her husband "what should I do?"
"Put new batteries in your hearing aid!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zuy9z/an_elderly_couple_are_in_church/
%
Software is like sex

It’s better when it’s free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zux99/software_is_like_sex/
%
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zuwmk/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
%
What do cats in China say?

Mao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zutjg/what_do_cats_in_china_say/
%
Hear about the Cadillac-worshipping Satanist?

He sold his soul to the Deville.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zustq/hear_about_the_cadillacworshipping_satanist/
%
What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zurqc/whats_the_best_part_of_dating_a_homeless_girl/
%
Dating a blonde

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zupns/dating_a_blonde/
%
My wife got knocked up by her tennis instructor.

Serves her right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zup1d/my_wife_got_knocked_up_by_her_tennis_instructor/
%
An old Jewish man won the state lottery winning 100 million dollars

Since this was the largest lottery in the states history, the news decided to interview the man on tv. At the end of the interview the reporter asked one final question.
"Do you plan on donating any of that money."
"Of course, I have already donated 3 million"
"Wow can you tell us who you donated too?" asked the reporter
"Well I donated 1 million to my local synagogue, 1 million to the state of Israel, and 1 million to the German Nazi Party."
Stunned the reporter asks "Why would you donate to the nazi party? Especially after what they did to your people?"
"Well" said the Jewish man while rolling up his sleeves "If not for them I never would have gotten these lucky numbers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zunav/an_old_jewish_man_won_the_state_lottery_winning/
%
Who invented the Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zujb3/who_invented_the_round_table/
%
I tried masturbating upside down last night ...

I don't know what come over me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zufog/i_tried_masturbating_upside_down_last_night/
%
The Princess Bride is bull

When Wesley spends five years building up an immunity to iocane powder, it's romantic and we should idolize him.
But when I do it with rum, I'm an "alcoholic who needs to pay his goddamn child support."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zucsa/the_princess_bride_is_bull/
%
People say I'm condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zuclh/people_say_im_condescending/
%
A girl I met on tinder said "don't even bother talking to me if your height starts with 5"

Jokes on her, I'm 4'11
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zu8fr/a_girl_i_met_on_tinder_said_dont_even_bother/
%
Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer...

One cannibal says to the other one, "Does this taste funny to you?"
And the other one goes, "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zu8dd/two_cannibals_were_eating_amy_schumer/
%
I'm in a band that makes stupid reptile jokes.

We're a pun croc band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zu7wb/im_in_a_band_that_makes_stupid_reptile_jokes/
%
"Do you want to hear a cheesy joke?" asked my wife. I nodded.

I wish she'd tell me the joke and stop staring at my cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zu7hi/do_you_want_to_hear_a_cheesy_joke_asked_my_wife_i/
%
The past, future, and present walk into a bar

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zu4y5/the_past_future_and_present_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A man walks into a bar in a strange town...

He notices a huge jar full of cash behind the bar. He asks the bartender about it.
"Well, sir," the bartender says. "All the boys round here got a challenging. You put $100 in the jar here, and then you have to beat three challenges. If you do all three, you win the cash. Nobody's ever done it."
The guy is intrigued. "Alright. What are the challenges?"
"Well, first, there's an crocodile in the swamp out back with a nail through it's foot. If you can go there, wrestle that croc, and pull that nail out, you move on to the second challenge."
"What's the second challenge?" the man asks.
"Out behind Frank's gas station across the street, is the roughest, meanest, ugliest mangy pitbull you ever saw. A real man-eater. He's got a bum tooth. If you can remove that tooth and live to tell the tale, you move on to the third challenge."
"What's the third challenge?" the guy asks.
"Upstairs, in the third room on the right, is the meanest, ugliest, most brutal old whore in the entire state. If you can wrestle her down, mount up, and fuck her in the ass, without her beating the living shit out of you and killing, you've beaten the final challenge, and you win all the cash. But I warn you, nobody's ever even beaten the first challenge."
"The guy slaps $100 down on the bar and says, I'll do it, but I need to have a few drinks first."
So the bartender lines up 12 shots of whiskey on the bar, and the guy downs them in rapid succession until he's completely shit-faced. "Alright!" he says. "Point me the way to that fucking crocodile!"
The bartender points. The man leaves.
Ten minutes later, the guy comes back in, his clothes all bloody, and he's covered in cuts and bruises. But he holds up a twisted, rusty nail for all to see. A hush falls over the crowd. Nobody's ever gotten that far.
"Now, which way to that fucking dog!?" he yells.
The bartender points. The man leaves. People open up all the windows, and they hear all kinds of barking, snarling, screaming, punching, and then yowling coming from behind the gas station. Finally, the man comes out from behind the gas station and staggers across the street and back into the bar. Everybody gasps in horror. He's absolutely shredded, full of cuts and lacerations and barely standing. Even his pants are down and his cock is hanging out, also all bloodied and bruised.
"Alright!" the guy says, "Two challenges done! Now point me to that old lady with the bum tooth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zu3y4/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_in_a_strange_town/
%
Last night, I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper...

I woke up this morning with a huge correction...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zu2lm/last_night_i_reached_for_my_liquid_viagra_and/
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So my wife and I had some time left before we went out for dinner

She asks me: "Do you want to have sex before we go?", I answered: "Sure, do you want a quickie or the full two minutes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zu1dw/so_my_wife_and_i_had_some_time_left_before_we/
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Two Jews are outside a church.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ztyvy/two_jews_are_outside_a_church/
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Not every joke has to be funny

Look at Amy Schumer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ztxlr/not_every_joke_has_to_be_funny/
%
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words...

"Stop shaking the goddamn ladder you little shit!"
Oh grandpa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ztwgo/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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A cowboy walks up to a girl in a saloon...

"What's a fine lady like you doing alone in this saloon?" He starts.
"Don't even try." She responds, paying her drink to the bartender and turning to leave. "I'm a lesbian."
"What the hell is that, a *'lesbian'*?" The cowboy asks.
"Well, how do I put it... When I wake up, I think of women; when I eat, I think of women; when I drink, I think of women; and when I lay myself to sleep, yet again I think of women." And with that she leaves the saloon.
The cowboy orders a whiskey and hangs his head, deep in thought. The saloon owner's kid walks by.
"Hey! Hey mister! Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I thought I was... but now I discovered that I'm a lesbian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ztuyt/a_cowboy_walks_up_to_a_girl_in_a_saloon/
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Why did Thor file a police report?

Because someone stole his thunder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ztu9t/why_did_thor_file_a_police_report/
%
I used to be an addict. But I did the hokey pokey...

and I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zttw9/i_used_to_be_an_addict_but_i_did_the_hokey_pokey/
%
6.9 is the worst number ever.

It's a 69 interrupted by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ztqjb/69_is_the_worst_number_ever/
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A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.

The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ztpkb/a_father_and_his_6yearold_son_are_walking_down/
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People say I don't have friends.

They're wrong.
I have 10 seasons in dvd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ztbzp/people_say_i_dont_have_friends/
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A balding, white haired man...

...walked into a jewelery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000  the jeweller said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated.
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'.
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said   'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
Not All Seniors Are Senile...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zt9jv/a_balding_white_haired_man/
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The bird of Love is the dove, but what's the bird of true love?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zt8ba/the_bird_of_love_is_the_dove_but_whats_the_bird/
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion...

and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zt6aq/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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Those DANG mosquitoes!!!

After several unpleasant experiences, one night, in total darkness, Gramps opened the cabin door and said, "you see, children?"  "Pesky mosquitoes are attracted to light!  Now, we're safe."
BUT soon as they entered the cabin and the door was shut, Jason noticed a handful of tiny blinking lights (glow bugs).
"OMG!  Gramps!   They're back and this time they have flashlights!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zt640/those_dang_mosquitoes/
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Un deux trois quatre cinq six sept ACHOO!

Sorry, I have a wheat allergy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zt57b/un_deux_trois_quatre_cinq_six_sept_achoo/
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Newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time

. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all
twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had
a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it
only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful
looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I
also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only
affects the knees." When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said,
"Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zt4t9/newlyweds_went_on_their_honeymoon_and_were/
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How do you trigger a feminist?

Its a secret. Only boys can know it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zszy9/how_do_you_trigger_a_feminist/
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Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.

He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zsz2i/went_to_see_the_worst_faith_healer_ever_last_night/
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Why can't Mario get a tinder date?

His profile picture was him killing a turtle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zsz0e/why_cant_mario_get_a_tinder_date/
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I slept like a baby last night.

Woke up screaming ten times and crapped myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zswzm/i_slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
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This one simple trick will earn you THOUSANDS in WEEKS!

Get a job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zsvyh/this_one_simple_trick_will_earn_you_thousands_in/
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At the country club

Several friends are relaxing at the country club after a couple rounds of golf. They hear a cell phone ring in the locker room. One of them excuses himself and goes to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me."
"Oh hey, baby!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes, why?"
"I saw this absolutely gorgeous mink coat at the mall earlier. Can I buy it?"
"What’s the price?"
"Only $2,500."
"Sure, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
"Listen, I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2017 models. I saw one I really liked. The salesman gave me a really good price on it. Besides, we did talk about trading in the Lexus that you bought me last year."
"How much did he tell you?"
"Only $75,000!"
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Oh, thank you! Before we hang up, there is one other thing."
"What is it, dear?"
"Well, this might seem like a lot, but do you remember that property we were looking at last year? The four-bedroom colonial on the seven-acre lot with the stables, the pond, the indoor pool? I visited our real estate agent earlier today and he said the price has dropped. Can I buy it?"
"How much are they asking?"
"It's only $589,900 now. I called our banker and he said we have more than enough to put in a cash offer."
"Sure, go ahead and buy it, but see if they'll accept $575,000."
"Great, I will! Thanks, sweetheart, I'll see you later!"
"Bye, honey!"
The man hangs up, walks back to his friends, and asks, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zstpb/at_the_country_club/
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Where does Hannibal Lecter take women on dates?

Chick Filet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zst79/where_does_hannibal_lecter_take_women_on_dates/
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My wife left me for my best friend...

I sure do miss him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zspak/my_wife_left_me_for_my_best_friend/
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Buying a horse

A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Dave replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Dave said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Dave said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’
Dave said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’
A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Dave said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Dave said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zsl9k/buying_a_horse/
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What do you call a dinosaur that gets in a car accident?

A tyrannosaurus wreck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zsdzi/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_that_gets_in_a_car/
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I don't really like cocaine...

I just love the way it smells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zsb2z/i_dont_really_like_cocaine/
%
Steak Puns

are a Rare Medium, Well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zs6qx/steak_puns/
%
An opinion without 3.14...

is just an onion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zs2eh/an_opinion_without_314/
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Friend of mine lost his left arm in an accident a few days ago...

He's all right now, though!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zs1zq/friend_of_mine_lost_his_left_arm_in_an_accident_a/
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Two snakes are slithering through the forest when one stops and looks at the other

"Hey Carl" he says "Are we poisonous?"
The other snake stops and thinks for a second "honestly, I have no idea, why?" He asks
The first snake responds in a worried voice "because I just bit my tongue"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zs0do/two_snakes_are_slithering_through_the_forest_when/
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Bubber has trouble finding a job...

So he decides to see his therapist to try to help him find out what his problem is.  He meets the therapist at his office and says, "I'm having trouble finding a job, doc." The therapist replies, "And why do you think that is, Bubber?  Have you had any interviews?"  Bubber: "Oh, sure!  Plenty!  It's just that I never get hired, and I think it's because they think I'm a liar!  How do I convince them I'm not a liar, doc?"  The therapist leans back in his chair and asks, "And what is it exactly they think you're lying about?" "Well," says Bubber, "whenever we get to the references part of the interview, I tell them I know everybody, just call anyone, anyone at all."
The therapist, with a confused look on his face, replies, "Well there you are, Bubber, just stop exaggerating!  List a few good references and get on with it." Incredulous, Bubber says, "But it's true, doc, I do know everybody!" Therapist: "Oh come now, Bubber, you and I both know you don't know everybody.  How can that be?"  Bubber: "I do though!  I can prove it!"  The therapist, becoming a bit annoyed, says, "Very well, Bubber, let's take care of this little delusion right now." Smiling to himself, the therapist picks up his phone.  He just so happened to be acquainted with Jack Nicholson, and he imagined Mr. Nicholson kept a pretty tight group of friends.  He rings Mr. Nicholson's cell, and Jack answers.  The therapist and Jack share a moment of small talk, and the therapist says, "Actually, Jack, there's something I need your help with.  I have a patient here who suffers from the strangest delusion that he, in actual fact, knows everybody." Jacks laughter can be heard through the receiver and he asks, "Oh yeah, what's his name?"  Therapist: "Bubber."  Jack: "OOHHH Bubber!  Let me talk to that rascal!" Perplexed, the therapist hands the phone to Bubber, and he and Mr. Nicholson share a brief, but very friendly conversation.  It was clear that had known each other a very long time, and were very good friends.  Bubber hangs up the phone and hands it back to the therapist.  "See doc?"
Surprised, but not shaken, the therapist says, "Ok, so you know one famous actor.  What about..." the therapist thinks for a moment, "What about Lady GaGa.  You know her too?"  Bubber: "Yup, talk to her often." Therapist: "Well that's easy enough to say, Bubber, since you know I won't be able to prove you wrong."  Bubber says, "Well here's her number if you want to call her," and hands the therapist his cell phone with a number listed as "GaGa." Somewhat amused at what lengths his patients sometimes went to to validate their delusions, the therapist dials the number.  When the female voice at the other end answers, the therapist introduces himself and asks if he might know with whom he is speaking.  The voice on the other end says, "How did you get this number?" The therapist replies, "I have a patient here who claims to know Lady GaGa and that this is her private number." When the therapist gives the name of this claimant, the female voice exclaims, "Bubber baby!!  Put him on!" The therapist switches to speakerphone and Bubber says happily, "GaGa sweetie! How the heck are ya?" Gaga: "Great great! I never got a chance to thank you for your help with those lyrics!  You know, the disco stick bit?" The therapist nearly choked on the water he was sipping, and stared in amazement at Bubber.  After wrapping up the conversation, Bubber says, "Come on, doc, I'm telling ya.  Everybody."
The therapist refuses to believe it.  He decides to cut the crap and go in a totally new direction.  Through his connections in the scientific community, he tracks down the number for the office of Stephen Hawking.  He calls on speakerphone, and reaching the secretary, the therapist, trying to nip things in the bud, introduces himself and explains the situation.  The secretary replies, "I'm sorry sir, but surely you realize that Mr. Hawking is very busy, not to mention the difficulty his disability creates when it comes to communication, especially over the phone." About to give up, Bubber whispers to the therapist, "Just tell him it's Bubber." The therapist rolls his eyes and says to the secretary sarcastically, "Look, just tell him it's Bubber; he'll understand." The therapist shook his head at how ridiculous he was making himself look.  "One moment please," says the secretary.  Not 30 seconds later, a distinct mechanical voice comes over the phone and says, perfectly monotone and computer-generated, "Bubber.  It has been too long since you visited.  How are you?" Bubber, smiling, says, "Steve you ol' robot, I'm great!  Just looking for work right now.  What's the latest theory you're working out?" The conversation goes on for a bit, ends, and the therapist stares at Bubber.
He doesn't say a word.  "This has gone quite far enough," he thinks to himself.  He quickly looks up the number for the switchboard at none other than the White House.  The operator answers, the therapist introduces himself, and asks "How does one speak with the president?" The operator laughs loudly and explains a long, drawn-out process.  The therapist, glancing over at Bubber, who is looking amused with a half-grin on his face, says to the operator, "You see, I have a close personal friend of the president here, and I know for sure that the president would be very disappointed.  Could you let your superior know that Bubber is on the line?" "Just a moment," was the reply.  The hold is quite a bit longer this time, but after a few minutes, an unmistakable voice comes over the phone.  "Bubber!  Is that really you?!  Man it's good to hear from you!" Bubber smiles at the therapist, whose face was ghost white now, and says into the phone, "Don!  Oh, excuse me...President Don!  Congratulations buddy, I knew you had it in you!"  The president replies, "It is a great thing.  A very great thing, I tell you.  Listen, I have a lunch date with Vladimir, so I gotta run.  Why don't you come out to Mar A Lago this weekend and we'll play some golf?"  "I'm there buddy!" said Bubber.  The call ended, and Bubber sat back with his arms folded and looked at the therapist.  "Now do you believe me?"
The therapist was half-crazed at this point.  Thinking he was going out of his mind, punching the keys on his computer like a wild man, he booked two tickets to Rome.  The therapist and Bubber boarded their flight, and the pilot made a point to come shake hands with his ol' pal.  The therapist couldn't bear to watch and tried to convince himself that this was an elaborate prank as each of the flight attendants spent time catching up with Bubber on their breaks.  They finally landed in Rome, and caught a cab to the Vatican.  It was great luck that there just happened to be a mass soon, and the Holy Father himself would be speaking from the balcony to an enormous crowd.  People had come from all over the world.  The therapist and Bubber enter the throng, and Bubber says, "Stay here.  I'll be back." Bubber disappears into the crowd as he makes his way to the door of the tower from which the Pope would be speaking.  To his utter amazement, the door opens, and Bubber steps in.  At the balcony now, Bubber steps out with his friend Jorge, now known around the world as Pope Francis, and waves to the crowd.  Bubber looks down and picks out the therapist from the crowd just in time to see him collapse in a dead faint.
Bubber rushes down and slaps the therapist lightly on the face.  The therapist comes to, and looks at Bubber in awe.  Bubber smiles warmly and says, "Sorry about that, buddy, I know it must've been a shocker to see me up there with the Pope." The therapist shakes his head lightly and says with amazement in his voice, "No, no, it's not that.  Someone came up to me, pointed at the balcony, and said, 'Who ees-a that up a-there with Bubber?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zrupz/bubber_has_trouble_finding_a_job/
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A rope orders a drink...

But the bartender says, "We don't serve ropes here."
The rope goes outside, ties himself up, unravels one end, and goes back inside.
"Hey, aren't you that rope?" Says the bartender.
The rope shakes his head, "I'm frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zrueq/a_rope_orders_a_drink/
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Three logicians walks into a bar

The bartender asks *"Beer for the three of you?"*
The first one says: *"I don't know"*
The second one says *"I don't know"*
The third one says, joyfully *"Yes, please!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zrto2/three_logicians_walks_into_a_bar/
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A old woman wanted to spice up her sex life with her husband.

She is in the bathroom after a shower and ties her towel around her neck like a cape.
She runs out of the bathroom wearing nothing but the cape and screams "SSUUPPPEERRR PUSSY!!"
Her husband doesn't even look up from his book and just says, "I'll take the Soup"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zrs0u/a_old_woman_wanted_to_spice_up_her_sex_life_with/
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.

Both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zrrtf/politicians_and_diapers_have_one_thing_in_common/
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What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

The August 1945 atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zroat/whats_worse_than_biting_into_an_apple_and_finding/
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I wish my ex was a WiFi network

so I could forget her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zrlpi/i_wish_my_ex_was_a_wifi_network/
%
What did the ocean say when you walked by?

Nothing, it just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zrl5r/what_did_the_ocean_say_when_you_walked_by/
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Barack Obama:

Most of the time, all he wanted was to be invisible.
"Now, let me be clear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zrk3l/barack_obama/
%
A Jew, Greek, Italian and an Asian all die in a car crash

They all go up to God to see if they will go to hell or to heaven. They have all sinned but they all beg for another chance but with 4 rules, 1 for each. The Italian must not go into a pizzeria, the Asian must not do any equations, the Jew must not pick up money and the Greek must not have anal sex. They agree to these guidelines and are all sent back to earth. One day the Italian really wants pizza and accidentally steps into a pizzeria, sending him straight to hell. The same day the Asian is getting paranoid if he does equations and calculates the probability of him going to hell and in doing so is sent straight to hell. Again, on the same day, the Jew is walking down the street when he sees a coin. He bends over and the Greek goes to hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zri0e/a_jew_greek_italian_and_an_asian_all_die_in_a_car/
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A goat, a drum, and a rattlesnake fall down a cliff...

ba dum tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zrf4d/a_goat_a_drum_and_a_rattlesnake_fall_down_a_cliff/
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That means you are Gay

A Man In Night Club..
Bartender: Who Are You? I’ve never seen you before.
Man: Yeah! I just lost my job and came here for a drink.
Bartender: What kind of Job?
Man: Well. I am a Consultant.
Bartender: Whats that?
Man: Its a logical thinker.
Bartender: Logical Think, what?
Man: Let me explain it with an Example.
Do you have a dog?
Bartender: Yes!
Man: That means you love animals.
Bartender: True!
Man: That mean you love your kids too.
Bartender: Yes True!
Man: You have Kids, that means you are Married.
Bartender: Very True!
Man: You love your Kids. You are still married,
means you have a beautiful Wife.
Bartender: Amazing man! How do you know all these?
Man: Thats logical thinking now you are married
to a lady, so you are not Gay!
Bartender: Impressive!
Man: Time to leave. Bye!
.
(About 20 mins, later the Bartender’s Boss Comes)
.
Bartender: Boss, you know I met a Consultant today.
Boss: Consultant!! Whats that??
Bartender: A logical thinker.
Boss: Logical what??
Bartender: I’ll explain it with an Example.
Boss: Okay!
Bartender: Do you have a DOG.?
Boss: No!
.
Bartender: That means you are Gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zrbb7/that_means_you_are_gay/
%
My favourite Greek nursery rhyme

ϱ ϱ ϱ your boat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zrb0p/my_favourite_greek_nursery_rhyme/
%
Today I finally returned to Mexico after spending 4 years abroad.

But no Juan recognized me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zr9yi/today_i_finally_returned_to_mexico_after_spending/
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Lately my husband has started pissing with the door open.

Do you have any idea how disgusting that is when you're trying to drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zr9ro/lately_my_husband_has_started_pissing_with_the/
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What's the difference between your mom and an elevator?

An elevator has a maximum occupancy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zr77x/whats_the_difference_between_your_mom_and_an/
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An Engineer Decides He Wants To Make Some Easy Money.

He thinks to himself, and he decides he's going to set up a medical center in an abandoned corner store. After all, he's an intelligent man, how hard could it be? He puts a large sign on the front, promising to cure any illness for a five hundred dollars, and if he can't, the patient gets 1000 dollars.
A brain surgeon is walking past and sees the sign. Laughing to himself, he decides to make some easy money by faking an illness and pretending to not be cured.
He walks in, and tells the engineer: "I've got a problem. For some reason, my taste has disappeared." The engineer says: "Nurse, bring me bottle number 273!" And gives it to the surgeon to drink. The surgeon spits it out and exclaims: "Hey! This is pee!"
"You're cured!" Says the engineer. "$500 please!"
The next day, the surgeon goes back, wanting to make his money back. He says to the engineer:
"For some reason, my memory is failing." The engineer says, "nurse, bring me bottle number 273!"
Of course, the surgeon says: "that's pee! I'm not drinking that!"
"You're cured! $500 please!"
Finally, the surgeon goes back one last time, determined to make his money back. He tells the engineer that he can't see a thing. The engineer says: "alright, I can't cure blindness. Here's your money." He hands the surgeon a twenty dollar bill.
"Hey! You said you'd give $1000!"
"You're cured! $500 please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zr6f1/an_engineer_decides_he_wants_to_make_some_easy/
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A good looking font walks into a bar and approaches a woman.

She looks at him and says "keep walking.  You're not my type".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zr67x/a_good_looking_font_walks_into_a_bar_and/
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There was this ancient story teller...

One of his stories was about a Kingdom that was having a lot of crime so the King said, "Whoever comes up with a solution that works will be greatly rewarded."
Many tried but their solutions did not work until this Old Man said he had the solution.
He asked to tear down all the jails and prisons. Then he had one jail for one person built.
Right away they had someone who committed a crime.
The Old Man said, "Put him in jail."
Very soon another committed a crime and the officers came to ask the Old Man what to do with him to which the Old Man answered, Kill the first one and put this one in jail!"
That ended the crime in the Kingdom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zr5dy/there_was_this_ancient_story_teller/
%
An inner city kindergarten is teaching about animal sounds.

The teacher says "ok does anyone know what sound a cow makes?
A little girl raises her hand and says "mooooo"
The teacher says "ok who knows what noise the chicken makes?"
Someone else raises there hand and says "bachbachbachbach"
The teacher says ok finally, what noise does a pig make?
A little boy in the back raises his hand and shouts "Freeze mother fucker!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zr5c8/an_inner_city_kindergarten_is_teaching_about/
%
A man is invited to a costume party...

where the theme is to come as something or someone that represents your sex life. After thinking a little, he finally comes up with the perfect costume!
As he enters the party, the host comes up to ask him about his costume.
"I'm curious, how does Abraham Lincoln represent your sex life?"
"Easy," he replies. "My last four scores were seven years ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zr3xw/a_man_is_invited_to_a_costume_party/
%
How do you pick up old French ladies?

"Voulez-vous crochet avec moi ce soir?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zr3so/how_do_you_pick_up_old_french_ladies/
%
How did Garfield's dog die?

He OD'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqzgn/how_did_garfields_dog_die/
%
I took out the trash the other night...

She always insists we go out for our anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqurn/i_took_out_the_trash_the_other_night/
%
Wanna know how I got away from ISIS?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqulm/wanna_know_how_i_got_away_from_isis/
%
Little Red Riding Hood

Was walking through the forest on her way to grandma's house, when she spotted the Big Bad Wolf hiding in some bushes; "Haha," she said; "I see you!" "Damn it!" The wolf replied and Red kept on walking. After a while Little Red saw the wolf, hiding behind a rock; "Haha! I see you again!" She said. "God damnit!" The wolf replied and Red was on her way again. After yet another good while, Little Red Riding Hood caught a glimpse of the Big Bad Wolf yet again, this time crouching behind a fallen tree; "Haha, wolf!" She said; "You can't hide from me!" The wolf angrily screams at Little Red; "For fucks sake girl, I'm trying to take a shit!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqufv/little_red_riding_hood/
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Sex with the teacher

A guy gets home from work and asks his son about his day. The boy says, "Just like any other day, except that I had sex with one of my teachers."
The guy says, "Well, you're on your way to becoming a man. I'll buy you anything you want."
They went to the store and the boy pointed out a BMX bike that he had always wanted. The guy happily bought it and assembled it as soon as they got home.
A few days later, the guy saw his son walking the bike down the street. He stopped him and asked, "Why aren't you riding your bike? I thought you would be so happy to have it."
The boy answered, "My asshole still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqthg/sex_with_the_teacher/
%
The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqr3p/the_police_officer_holds_up_a_photo_and_asks_a/
%
Doctors hate this!

And so will everybody else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqlqy/doctors_hate_this/
%
A Grand Prize

I phoned my local radio station today.
When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."
"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.
"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling
confident?"
"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Okay then, to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, what's 2+2?"
"7," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqkyh/a_grand_prize/
%
So my wife came up to me and said, "Take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off  her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra,  and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't  want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqjnd/so_my_wife_came_up_to_me_and_said_take_off_my/
%
Bjorn and Sven are in the woods hunting

Suddenly Sven cries out, clutches his chest, and falls to the ground.
In a panic, Bjorn pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.
'911, what is your emergency?'
'Yeah, this is Bjorn and you gotta help me! Me and Sven are out hunting and Sven just up and keeled over dead!  What do I do?'
'Remain calm,' says the 911 operator.  'The first thing you need to do is make sure he's dead.'
'Okay,' says Bjorn.  'Hang on a sec.'  There are several seconds of silence, then a shot rings out.  Bjorn comes back on the phone, 'Okay, now what?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqgzx/bjorn_and_sven_are_in_the_woods_hunting/
%
What do you call a nervous Jedi?

Panakin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqf9f/what_do_you_call_a_nervous_jedi/
%
A very ugly woman walls into a bar...

And lifts up her arm revealing a very hairy armpit.
Woman: what man would buy a beautiful young lady a drink?
Everyone turned their heads and looked the other way. An old drunk at the bar whistled to the bartender and said: give the ballerina a drink, it's on me.
The woman sat next to the drunk and downed her drink in mere seconds. She then raised her arm again revealing the same hairy armpit.
Woman: what man would buy a beautiful young lady a drink?
Again everyone turned and looked away, and the drunk whistled once more.
Drunk: oi bartender, another drink for the ballerina!
The bartender gets another drink ready for the woman, but whispers over to the drunk.
Bartender: oi mate, I understand wanting to buy a lady a drink being a gentleman and all, but why call her a ballerina?
Drunk: anyone who can lift their leg that high has got to be a ballerina!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqf1n/a_very_ugly_woman_walls_into_a_bar/
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I wrote a poem called "Old Age Pensioner's Underwear".

Rose's are red
Violet's are blue
Ethel's are green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqf0k/i_wrote_a_poem_called_old_age_pensioners_underwear/
%
I saw six men with a coffin walking aimlessly around the cemetery

Looks like they had lost the plot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqcr2/i_saw_six_men_with_a_coffin_walking_aimlessly/
%
A German bad at math:

Instructor: "Do you know the answer to the question, what is 5 + 5?"
German bad at math: 9!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqbjc/a_german_bad_at_math/
%
Happy women's day everyone!

It was actually supposed to be held on March 8 but they took too long to get ready.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zqavd/happy_womens_day_everyone/
%
Why was Donald Trump unable to hang himself?

Because of fake noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zq85p/why_was_donald_trump_unable_to_hang_himself/
%
"Did you hear? Grandpa got burnt the other day."

"How badly?"
"Well they don't fuck around at the crematorium."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zq6ae/did_you_hear_grandpa_got_burnt_the_other_day/
%
What do Mexicans think about Trump's wall?

It doesn't matter. They'll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zq4ak/what_do_mexicans_think_about_trumps_wall/
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A recent survey has revealed that the favorite sex position is "Doggy Style"...

With married couples in mind, that's where the husband has to sit up and beg, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zq2rb/a_recent_survey_has_revealed_that_the_favorite/
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Doctor: Hi how are you today? Patient: I'm well thanks.

Doctor: Get the fuck out then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zq1vp/doctor_hi_how_are_you_today_patient_im_well_thanks/
%
What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zq0gz/whats_the_difference_between_a_taliban_outpost/
%
The job interviewer said, "On your CV, you say that your biggest weakness is your memory."

I said, "No...I didn't put that, did I?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zq03h/the_job_interviewer_said_on_your_cv_you_say_that/
%
People in the U.S. eat more bananas than monkeys.

In 2016, they ate 73,432,384 bananas,
and only ate 6 monkeys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpys9/people_in_the_us_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
%
"Name a famous explorer that has been forgotten", asked my son

"Internet explorer.", I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpxsp/name_a_famous_explorer_that_has_been_forgotten/
%
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpvgq/a_man_walks_out_to_the_street_and_catches_a_taxi/
%
I'd be very scared if I swallowed a cup of cement

I'd be shittin' bricks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpr0u/id_be_very_scared_if_i_swallowed_a_cup_of_cement/
%
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.

One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each.
Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.
Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.
Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world.
Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rides off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpqua/mr_bear_and_mr_rabbit_live_in_the_same_forest_but/
%
Little Johnny. [nsfw]

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing strange noises from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming.
Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life".
Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind.
Dad screams.
Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zppg8/little_johnny_nsfw/
%
What is Bond's greatest strength?

Maturity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpofp/what_is_bonds_greatest_strength/
%
"You da bomb." "No, you da bomb"

America: compliments
Syria: arguments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpo7w/you_da_bomb_no_you_da_bomb/
%
how does a roman laugh when he's texting?

lol 490

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpnfx/how_does_a_roman_laugh_when_hes_texting/
%
I just quit my job at the Helium gas factory...

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpl70/i_just_quit_my_job_at_the_helium_gas_factory/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had loco-motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpkoj/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_killer/
%
I don't like watching sad movies.

If i wanted to cry I'd open my wallet instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpkh8/i_dont_like_watching_sad_movies/
%
I was hooked on auctions after only going once ...

...going twice…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpkco/i_was_hooked_on_auctions_after_only_going_once/
%
A fortune teller warned me that I'll lose $2000 today

Then she charged me $2000 for fortune telling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpifp/a_fortune_teller_warned_me_that_ill_lose_2000/
%
The meaning of life

A philosophy professor wants to do a lasting final lecture before retiring, so he chooses to teach about the meaning of life. He gets into the classroom and puts a big empty jar on the table. He starts to fill the jar with cobble to the top and asks the class whether the jar is filled or not. They answer that it is. He then begins to put smaller stones in and asks again, is the glass full. Again the answer is yes. He then puts sand into the jar and the students start wondering. One student asks: "But prof, what does this all have to do with the meaning of life?". The professor then begins to explain, well the cobbles are the important things in your life, your health, family, friends and so on, the smaller stones are the less important things like exams and the sand is the small stuff in life like getting your hair cut, going to parties and the like. You see you should start with the important stuff and there will always be time for the small stuff. But when you start with the small stuff there won't be space for the important things. The class starts to applaud and everyone is impressed how clever of a lesson it was. The professor interrupts them by opening a beer and then another one, the students look at him puzzled. He then pours the beer in the jar and says: "No matter what there's always space for two beer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zphck/the_meaning_of_life/
%
A reporter goes to an old town

She stops an old man to ask some questions.
They ask some "how are you''s and all and she starts to interview.
Woman: So, Mister Irons, what is your favourite memory of this town?
Old Man : One time, a woman in our town got lost. Every person in our town started a search for her. When we found her a couple hours later , we fucked her!
Woman quickly interrupts: Ehm, Mister. Please tell me an another happy memory.
Old man: So, one time, hot daughter of a neighbour got lost. Every person in town started a search for her. When we found her after a day , we all fucked her!
Woman: OKAY MISTER! Enough of happy memories. Tell us a sad one.
Old Man suddenly loses his smile and answers: One day...I got lost...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpeu0/a_reporter_goes_to_an_old_town/
%
What did bugs bunny save his word processing as?

Whats up.doc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpdz6/what_did_bugs_bunny_save_his_word_processing_as/
%
As a 12 year old, online dating is a tough thing

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpci6/as_a_12_year_old_online_dating_is_a_tough_thing/
%
Why were Indians in the Americas first?

They made reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpa6j/why_were_indians_in_the_americas_first/
%
a child ask father

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family." -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zpa5r/a_child_ask_father/
%
Prison Joker

Young guy gets sentenced to 15 years in prison and is assigned to a cell with a lifer. The old man explains the rules, including the no-talking policy in the cafeteria.
At dinner that night, one of the inmates stands up and yells out, "28!" All the other inmates laugh loudly and then resume eating their meals. The young guy is confused, but doesn't say anything.
The next morning at breakfast, another inmate stands up and yells out, "41!" Again, the other inmates laugh loudly and then go back to their food. This time, when they get back to their cells, the young guy asks what the numbers were all about.
The old man explains that the warden has eased up on the no-talking policy, but that none of the inmates want to take a chance that the warden will change his mind again. So they all memorized a list of jokes, and those were just the numbers on the list. He gives the young guy the list of jokes so that he doesn't feel left out.
A couple weeks later, the young guy decides that it was his turn. At dinner, he stands up and yells out, "17!" No one laughs. Frustrated, he yells out again, "17!" But no one even looks at him. When they get back to their cells, he asks the old man what happened. "17, that's a good one, right?"
The old man shakes his head and says, "Yeah, but the way you told it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zp73f/prison_joker/
%
The Five Penny Trick

Something I remember from my misspent youth.
Requires five pennies, placed down one at at time, heads up.
Place the first penny on the table..."Can you smell that....that's a scent."
Place the second penny...."Can you see any fruit....that's a pair"
Place the third penny...."Can you see any cars?  Three Lincolns."
Place the fourth down..."Can you see any snakes? Four copperheads.
Place the fifth down..."Can you see any pussy?"
Scoop them all up..."Not for five cents you can't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zp6rf/the_five_penny_trick/
%
What do you call a short black person?

By their name you fucking racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zp3s4/what_do_you_call_a_short_black_person/
%
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says,

"Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zp3m0/a_bank_robber_pulls_out_gun_points_it_at_the/
%
Why do husband's typically die before their wife?

Because they want to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zp1iu/why_do_husbands_typically_die_before_their_wife/
%
My wife phoned me last night

and said.
"You better come to the hospital. My mother hasn't got long to live".
I replied "But the football is on and it's live".
"Record it and watch it later" she said.
She went fuckin ballistic when I turned up at the hospital with a camera and tripod!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zp1ef/my_wife_phoned_me_last_night/
%
How do you make Holy water from normal water?

Boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zp0x6/how_do_you_make_holy_water_from_normal_water/
%
Two guys were just arrested.

I just saw on the news that two guys have been arrested in the city centre. One was drinking battery fluid and the other was chewing fireworks. One of them was charged but the other was let off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zp0kb/two_guys_were_just_arrested/
%
Hitler at a meeting

Hitler is at a meeting and says "We will kill  6 milion jews and a clown." his men ask  "Why the clown?" "See I told you no one cares about the jews." Says Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zp055/hitler_at_a_meeting/
%
so Stephen hawking walks into a bar...

Just kidding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zoy7e/so_stephen_hawking_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So a husband and wife are driving down the highway

The husband had been secretly having an affair with the secretary from his work. His wife recently found out but he had no idea she knew.
So the wife says to him "I'm feeling a little frisky. I've never given you a BJ while driving before" so she leans over and starts to service him. After a few seconds she bites his dick off and spits it out of the car window.
Meanwhile a father is driving his 3 year old daughter home from a play date. The dick slaps onto the windshield. The father quickly turns on the wipers to get rid of it. Frantically trying to make a cover story he says to his daughter "did you see that bug honey?"
She says "yeah daddy! That bug had the biggest dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zotfz/so_a_husband_and_wife_are_driving_down_the_highway/
%
Three Valve employees walk into a bar

One says "I'd like two beers and one beer please."
The bartender replies "you mean three?"
The three employees stare at him confused for several moments before one blurts out
"What the hell is three?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zosa8/three_valve_employees_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a blond policewoman who doesn't shave her pubes?

Hot fuzz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zoppm/what_do_you_call_a_blond_policewoman_who_doesnt/
%
90% of Albert Einstein quotes are fake.

~Albert Einstein, 2017

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zooye/90_of_albert_einstein_quotes_are_fake/
%
What math class does a feminist take?

Triggernometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zonkn/what_math_class_does_a_feminist_take/
%
God said unto John, "Come Fourth and you shall receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won $20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zon3i/god_said_unto_john_come_fourth_and_you_shall/
%
When I'm at a bar

I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here’s a girl who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zomrn/when_im_at_a_bar/
%
I was going to take my dog to a pet psychiatrist

But he knows he's not allowed on the couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zokqa/i_was_going_to_take_my_dog_to_a_pet_psychiatrist/
%
Why fall in love?

When you can fall off a cliff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zok7f/why_fall_in_love/
%
TIFU While drinking coffee during jury duty.

We were in the jury room deliberating the verdict.  I was drinking a coffee, and dumped some packets of sugar into my beverage. Unfortunately a few were actually salt, and I ended up spitting hot coffee all over the woman next to me.
I tried to help clean off her dress, but accidentally hit her in the face.  So then I tried to make a joke to ease the awkward tension, but it just embarrassed and offended her.
But I learned my lesson. Like the old saying goes, when drinking coffee, "Don't add in salt too in jury."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zojed/tifu_while_drinking_coffee_during_jury_duty/
%
To those who feel like eating whenever they're down in the dumps..

Don't eat there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zoimg/to_those_who_feel_like_eating_whenever_theyre/
%
What do you call a man who cries for a fortnight?

Too weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zoh36/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_cries_for_a_fortnight/
%
A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her.

She was a
little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but
I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair
in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zofdy/a_woman_went_to_her_doctor_for_a_followup_visit/
%
A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"

The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.
In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."
The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."
Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, what do you have?"
Man quickly says  "2 bucks" and ran out of the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zoezt/a_guy_walks_into_the_bar_and_looks_the_bartender/
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Three men arrive at a checkpoint near the gates of heaven

The first man walks up to god, who is reading the summary of his deeds before deciding which vehicle he is to use to drive to heavens gates with.
"I see you were quite unfaithful with your wife, cheating on her a total of three times." The man looks down in shame. "You are to drive up to heaven in a battered sedan." God waved him away to a drab looking Honda as he called the next man forward.
"I see you never truly cheated on your wife, but you had many impure thoughts of other women and made several attempts at adultery." The man shrugged, a little nervous. "Only natural," God said, "You can drive up in the sports car." God then waved him away to a modest but sleek looking Dodge.
"Ah, you are clean as a whistle!" God said to the last man. "You never even thought of cheating on your wife, what loyalty! You can have your choice of either a Rolls Royce, Ferrari or Corvette!" The man, beaming, chose the Ferrari as it was his personal favorite car in life.
As the man cruised up to heaven in his Ferrari, he saw his wife to the right of him, struggling along in a rusty tricycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zoew4/three_men_arrive_at_a_checkpoint_near_the_gates/
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How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero. Why would you want to change things?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zodr7/how_many_conservatives_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A drunk man walks into a bar...

A drunk man, 35 years old, walks into a bar. Stumbling through the bar, he finds a seat and asks the bartender for a whiskey.
The bartender, seeing how drunk he is, is hesitant to serve the man. "How much have you had to drink today?" he asks.
The man responds, "Today's my Anniversary. I had 21 shots of vodka, one for each year I've been married."
"No way you've been married 21 years, you look too young!" says the bartender.
"I count in dog years, my wife's a bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zo9dk/a_drunk_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why are PC gamers always sad

Because they can't console each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zo8ks/why_are_pc_gamers_always_sad/
%
A single woman walks into a bar.

She goes straight up to the bartender and says, "I was told there would be a joke; that it would be hilarious; and that you would deliver the punchline."
The bartender looks up and says, "well aren't you miss informed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zo7ua/a_single_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
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The other day, this girl was complaining about relationships....

"I hate guys," she said, "they're all the same."
To which I responded, "No one told you to try them all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zo5mi/the_other_day_this_girl_was_complaining_about/
%
I used to think I was indecisive

Now, I'm not too sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zo3pm/i_used_to_think_i_was_indecisive/
%
How does Stephen Hawking take a shit?

He logs out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zo1a6/how_does_stephen_hawking_take_a_shit/
%
There once was a young engineer...

There once was a young engineer, who after having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. He and his family built a cabin and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it. Friends visited for the quiet and the fishing.
The engineer however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole and a new pair of shoes, and was all set.
He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. It was a great way to spend a hot afternoon.
The engineer and his family had been enjoying the cabin for years, and went out early in the spring. It had been a very wet winter, with lots of rain afterwards. When they arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual amount of current flowing.
The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, even though his wife thought it was too dangerous. He was a good swimmer however, and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless. He hit the water in good form, but he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in debris on the side of the stream.
It was a sad end for the engineer. His family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy.
Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted an electrical engineer, he would have been warned that it's not the vaultage that kills you, it's the current.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zo19u/there_once_was_a_young_engineer/
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My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zo09i/my_wife_said_i_need_to_grow_up_i_was_speechless/
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A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven

The first thing he does is ask God, "Who really killed JFK?"
To which God replies, "It was Lee Harvey Oswald. He acted alone."
The conspiracy theorists thinks to him self for a moment then says, "This cover up of the truth goes even further than I thought!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znzpm/a_conspiracy_theorist_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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I have a little joke for the ladies

Unfortunately, it's in my underpants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znsts/i_have_a_little_joke_for_the_ladies/
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As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold...

I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znrg9/as_we_waited_for_a_bus_in_the_frosty_weather_the/
%
What was the romantic with a foot fetish looking for?

a sole mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znrbf/what_was_the_romantic_with_a_foot_fetish_looking/
%
How are a Texas Tornado and a Tennessee Divorce the same?

Someone's going to loose a trailer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znoaz/how_are_a_texas_tornado_and_a_tennessee_divorce/
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znn5t/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
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Stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znm4z/stayed_up_all_night_to_see_where_the_sun_went/
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What is an euphemism for FakeTaxi?

Screwdriver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znlnf/what_is_an_euphemism_for_faketaxi/
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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.

Cannibal 1: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Cannibal 2: "Not at all, and there's plenty to go around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znih3/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
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It's impossible...

"It's impossible" said pride
"It's risky" said experience
"It's pointless" said reason
"Give it a try" whispered the heart
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT" shouted the asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znh3h/its_impossible/
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My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week

I told him because it's only Wednesday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znfl0/my_boss_asked_me_why_ive_already_been_late_three/
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All these celeb photos leaks...

I can't believe it's fappening again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znfbw/all_these_celeb_photos_leaks/
%
what do you call a blonde with brains

a golden retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znevg/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_brains/
%
Where do cyber security technicians go when they die?

Encrypts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znc9o/where_do_cyber_security_technicians_go_when_they/
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I just realized, if a woman sleeps with 10 or more guys, she's a slut. But if a man does it...

He's gay, definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znbzc/i_just_realized_if_a_woman_sleeps_with_10_or_more/
%
Last night this asshole doctor walks into my clinic and starts acting like he owns the place

Seriously, that guy was really testing my patients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5znb2t/last_night_this_asshole_doctor_walks_into_my/
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There was an explosion at the local cheese factory.

De brie was everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zn9xw/there_was_an_explosion_at_the_local_cheese_factory/
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I did a suprise bukkake party for my wife...

Everybody came. You should have seen her face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zn9g4/i_did_a_suprise_bukkake_party_for_my_wife/
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I asked my friend from North Korea how life is

He said he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zn6i2/i_asked_my_friend_from_north_korea_how_life_is/
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Some cause happiness wherever they go!!

Others, whenever they go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zn6eo/some_cause_happiness_wherever_they_go/
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What do you call a police-woman that shaves her pubes?

.
.
.
.
.
Cuntstubble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zn2fz/what_do_you_call_a_policewoman_that_shaves_her/
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Why are all Jewish men circumcised?

Their women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zn29s/why_are_all_jewish_men_circumcised/
%
Never feel worthless

Your organs are worth thousands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zn1w4/never_feel_worthless/
%
How to irritate an archaeologist?

Show him a used women's pad and ask him which period it belongs to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zn1rm/how_to_irritate_an_archaeologist/
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Three men end up in hell...

Three men end up in hell and meet Satan. Satan tells them that he will let  the men go to purgatory for a second chance if they manage to pass his challenge.
The challenge was that they had to throw any random item  into the river Styx and Satan would let them go if he couldn't find it in under 10 minutes.
The 1st man finds a penny in his pocket and throws it in the river. Satan jumps in and after 5 minutes he manages to find it and the 1st man stays in hell forever.
The 2nd man finds a pebble near his shoe and throws it in the river. Satan jumps in and finds it after 8 minutes so the 2nd mans suffers the same fate as the 1st man.
The 3rd man doesn't even look at what he took out of his pocket and threw in the river. Satan jumps in and he stays there for a while and comes out after 30 minutes.
He gets out and says: "I am a man of my words,you'll get a second chance in purgatory" but out of curiosity Satan asks the 3rd man: "What did you throw in the river anyways?" The man replies: "It took me a minute but I realized I threw the effervescent tablet that was in my pocket"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zn0cs/three_men_end_up_in_hell/
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What's brown, smelly, and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zmxft/whats_brown_smelly_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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You know I've always wanted clean mirrors for a living...

It's just something i can see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zmwt5/you_know_ive_always_wanted_clean_mirrors_for_a/
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What is the fastest liquid?

Milk, because it pasteurized before you see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zmvrj/what_is_the_fastest_liquid/
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I really regret when I hit her

She was sitting in front of me doing nothing wrong. her body was smooth, and she was wearing that pink heart sticker I gave her for her birthday. We were together for 5 years and some might say this is a long time to be together, some of my friends even said I needed a new one, but she was mine and I needed her just as much as she needed me.
In April 2016 she caught a virus, it caused her to act differently and she became very slow. I did everything I could to make her feel better.
I rubbed her,
I touched her,
I cleaned her but nothing helped.
I'm in tears typing this, but out of frustration I hit her with a sledge hammer. She slammed shut and exploded into a bunch of pieces. The love of my life is gone and I have no one to blame but myself.
R.I.P dell, April 2011-2016

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zmvmj/i_really_regret_when_i_hit_her/
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Three men are lost in the desert...

They come across a harem tent full of beautiful women. While they are having sex with the concubines the sheik bursts in and says."I am master of all deez women. No one can touch them except for me. You three must pay for what you have done. You will be punished according to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks what he does for a living. The first man says, "I'm a cop!" "Then we will shoot your penis off!" says the sheik. They shoot his cock off and then turn to the second man and asks him what his job is,"I'm a fireman!" he says! "We will burn your penis off!" yells the sheik. They burn his dick off and turn to the horrified third man. "What is your job kid?" asks the shiek. The third man says smiling,"I'm a lollipop salesman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zmviw/three_men_are_lost_in_the_desert/
%
Feminists favorite subject?

Triggernometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zmrfb/feminists_favorite_subject/
%
A panda once hid his food in order to get more.

The zookeepers were bamboozeled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zmlv6/a_panda_once_hid_his_food_in_order_to_get_more/
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When I hear how many troubles religion can cause

I thank God for being an atheist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zmked/when_i_hear_how_many_troubles_religion_can_cause/
%
Ripple

Its when a group of midgets do the wave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zmip7/ripple/
%
Why can't Dinosaurs clap their hands?

Because they're dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zmdrc/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap_their_hands/
%
When I get women into bed, I treat them like pi...

Just another number, and an irrational one at that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zmbgz/when_i_get_women_into_bed_i_treat_them_like_pi/
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Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder?

All the bloods the same and there are no dental records

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zm96f/why_is_it_so_hard_to_solve_a_redneck_murder/
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I hate my job....

My job is so fucking unbelievable.
I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zm8kd/i_hate_my_job/
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Your family tree must be a cactus

All your relatives are pricks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zm8ht/your_family_tree_must_be_a_cactus/
%
A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead all die and go to Hell....

Once they arrive they receive a challenge from the Devil - if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead.
The Brunette goes first and as she was a famous philosopher in life, asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question - to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer.
The Redhead tries as well - she was an incredibly talented scientist and asks a question related to a breakthrough discovery that happened right before she died. The Devil instantly gets the answer.
When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it.  She then sits down in the chair and farts. "Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?"
"That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them."
"No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zm7yi/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_all_die_and_go_to/
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Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means?

Father: It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zm7f8/son_dad_what_does_gay_means/
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Online dating is tough

"Online dating is tough", said a 10 year old.
"Everytime I meet someone new, they end up in jail."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zm6kh/online_dating_is_tough/
%
I just bought a new blindfold.

Can't see myself wearing it though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zm2it/i_just_bought_a_new_blindfold/
%
Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital?

Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zm25b/who_has_two_thumbs_and_is_headed_to_the_hospital/
%
A bad lawyer is like a prostitute

Both are cheaper than a girlfriend and either way you get fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zm0hj/a_bad_lawyer_is_like_a_prostitute/
%
A Man was Found Guilty of Premature Ejaculation

He got off easy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zlsos/a_man_was_found_guilty_of_premature_ejaculation/
%
What is an epileptic's favourite food?

Seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zlqui/what_is_an_epileptics_favourite_food/
%
I bought a wooden whistle

but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle,
but it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle,
but it steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a copper whistle,
but the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle,
now I can whistle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zlq67/i_bought_a_wooden_whistle/
%
What is the mods favorite highway?

The autobahn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zlotr/what_is_the_mods_favorite_highway/
%
I keep my coupons in the fridge

So they don't expire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zlmbl/i_keep_my_coupons_in_the_fridge/
%
A guy isn't paying attention and rear ends someone at the traffic lights...

...He gets out of his car to inspect the damage and a dwarf gets out of the other car. He says "I'm not happy, you know"!
The guy says "No? Well which one are you then"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zlkxm/a_guy_isnt_paying_attention_and_rear_ends_someone/
%
Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zlkbw/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
%
First blowjob!

A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?
The man says yes! My first blowjob!
The bartender says congrats! Why 10?
The man says if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zlgja/first_blowjob/
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The Mailman's last day.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zlfua/the_mailmans_last_day/
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A father and his son are going fishing...

The father is showing his son how to prepare the fishing rod, how to set the line, and how to affix the bait.
Father: "Now son, you can use many different kinds of bait. This worm, for example."
The father says as he weaves the worm onto the hook and casts the line.
Son: "What happens next dad?"
As if on cue, the father pulls against the line, calling forth a panicked fish from the water. The son exclaims in amazement, as the father prepares the line for his next cast. He reaches into the tackle box, and beings to attach something to the hook.
Son: "Dad, what kind of bait is that?"
Father: "This is clickbait son."
Son: "What happens next dad?"
Father: "What happens next will shock you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zlcsb/a_father_and_his_son_are_going_fishing/
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What do you call it when the inventor of the ceramic knee replacement gets a metal knee replacement?

Iron-knee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zlbv7/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_inventor_of_the/
%
Victoria's Secret?

Her father never loved her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zlb6w/victorias_secret/
%
I faked my death

But my Asian friends won't bereave me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zlahc/i_faked_my_death/
%
Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zl9ex/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
What do you call a slide on a roof?

A suiclide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zl6ck/what_do_you_call_a_slide_on_a_roof/
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What's the difference between a joke, and 3 dicks?

Your momma can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zkvgw/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_3_dicks/
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When people ask me what my favorite Stephen King novel is...

I've said it before and I'll say it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zkslw/when_people_ask_me_what_my_favorite_stephen_king/
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Letting go of a loved one is hard...

But sometimes it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zksl9/letting_go_of_a_loved_one_is_hard/
%
Doctor, doctor, I'm addicted to brake fluid!

Nonsense, you can stop anytime you want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zkqmi/doctor_doctor_im_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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Crows make black babies. Doves make white babies. What makes no babies?

Swallows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zkqg3/crows_make_black_babies_doves_make_white_babies/
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Mexican and black jokes are way too similar now..

You've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zkq6e/mexican_and_black_jokes_are_way_too_similar_now/
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Some people look down on others because they have differing opinions.

Those kind of people are idiots though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zkp4p/some_people_look_down_on_others_because_they_have/
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A man hasn't pooped in 3 days...

...so he goes to the doctor.  The doctor walks into the exam room shadowed by a medical student. After the man describes his symptoms, the doctor says,
"Well, you're constipated."
The medical student says, "No shit."
The doctor replies, "Don't insult the man, I'm sure he knows what constipation is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zkob2/a_man_hasnt_pooped_in_3_days/
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A Chinese boy was unexpectedly born early...

He was named "sudden Lee"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zkn6v/a_chinese_boy_was_unexpectedly_born_early/
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A couple is short on money… [NSFW]

The wife is excellent at blowjobs, so the husband convinces his wife to go out and "offer her services" on the street.
She comes back the next morning looking tired and says, "Well, it was hard work, but I made four hundred dollars and twenty five cents."
The husband said, "Who gave you the quarter?"
The wife replied: "They all did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zkl5m/a_couple_is_short_on_money_nsfw/
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I was in class today and asked a friend if I could have a bite of her cookie...

She took the napkin it was on, folded it over to gather all the crumbs, counted out 8 crumbs, handed them over and said,
"no, but you can have 8 bits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zkkjo/i_was_in_class_today_and_asked_a_friend_if_i/
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How to get laid??

1. Lay on bed.
2. Wait two hours.
3. Lay becomes past tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zkkie/how_to_get_laid/
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My penis was in the Guinness Book of Records...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
until the librarian kicked me out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zkjw4/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_records/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for Fresh Prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zkhfx/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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I just sold my homing pigeon on ebay

for the 22nd time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zkcwh/i_just_sold_my_homing_pigeon_on_ebay/
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Three couples are eating breakfast in the hotel restaurant

They're early birds, and the only ones there. It's an American, an English and a Norwegian couple. The American says to his wife
"Can you send me the sugar, sugar?"
The Englishman overhears him, and, thinking he can't be any worse than an American, asks his wife
"Will you pass me the honey, honey?"
The Norwegian guy hears both of them and thinks for himself that he really has something to learn from these guys. So he turns to his wife and says
"Get me the milk, you cow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zk9zb/three_couples_are_eating_breakfast_in_the_hotel/
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THE RULES OF THE ANCIENT AND HONORABLE GAME OF INDOOR GOLF

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.
Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length and girth of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. This is usually indicated by a red flag in the hole. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.
More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
**WARNING** Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.
Players who have contracted to play a private course are cautioned that information reaching the owner that the player has played other courses may lead to the contract being cancelled and a lawsuit for damages filed. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zk9mg/the_rules_of_the_ancient_and_honorable_game_of/
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What does the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader have in common?

They both suck for four quarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zk8yo/what_does_the_florida_state_football_team_and_a/
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I bought a new thesaurus today.

It's very.... nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zk8xj/i_bought_a_new_thesaurus_today/
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They said to leave the house Spotless...

So I sold the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zk8nq/they_said_to_leave_the_house_spotless/
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Hotdogs made of monkeys

So there was this butcher, who had a machine that turns monkey into hotdogs he used to sell them as regular hotdogs and no one ever doubted it, but the man never make more than one monkey a day that was his secret .
One day the man went on a trip and left his son at his shop before he went he strictly tells his son to not make more than one monkey no matter what .
His son seeing that the hotdogs were selling quite fast decided to turn another monkey into hotdogs but when he did that people stopped buying and a lot of hotdogs are left
When the father came back he found a butt load of hotdogs unsold
Father : I told you not to make more than one monkey ,you stupid monkey! What am I supposed to do with all those left hotdogs now!
Son : I'm sorry father, but since we have a machine that turns monkeys into hotdogs is there a machine that do the opposite?
Father : Of course there is! your mom's vagina ! I put my dick in and it gave me you!
PS : translated from Arabic language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zk7hb/hotdogs_made_of_monkeys/
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Today somebody knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zk4lt/today_somebody_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
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I just found a rock that is 1760 yards long...

It must be a mile stone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zk2cs/i_just_found_a_rock_that_is_1760_yards_long/
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The best thing about Japanese porn

is they censor it so I can watch it with my family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zk243/the_best_thing_about_japanese_porn/
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Yesterday a clown held the door open for me

I thought it was a nice jester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zk246/yesterday_a_clown_held_the_door_open_for_me/
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What do you call a counterfeit cow?

Sham moo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zk1dp/what_do_you_call_a_counterfeit_cow/
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What's the different between snow man and a snow women?

Snow balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zjzug/whats_the_different_between_snow_man_and_a_snow/
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Whilst working abroad, a man visits a brothel.

The Madame welcomes him inside and says, 'Well, Sir, what kind of girl turns you on most?'  He says, 'I want a woman who weighs over 300 pounds: she must be as sweaty as a Sumo wrestler's armpits and as hairy as a gorilla: I want her to have thighs like tree-trunks, tits down to her knees, breath that smells like the garbage bin at a fish market and a pussy so wide that my dick gets lost and I have to go looking for it.  Have you got a woman like that?'
The Madame looks shocked and says, 'Heavens, Sir, I think you're a bit perverted'.
'No,' he replies, 'just fucking homesick!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zjy5i/whilst_working_abroad_a_man_visits_a_brothel/
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The best engine in the world

is the vagina, it takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks it does it's own oil change.
It's just a pity the management system is so fucking temperamental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zju8b/the_best_engine_in_the_world/
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Why is the blondes belly button bruised?

Her BF is blonde too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zjth3/why_is_the_blondes_belly_button_bruised/
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The Toaster leads the Kitchen Appliances on Strike

I looked around the kitchen in exasperation.
"We have will be heard! We have a voice! We have rights!"
"Umm, no you don't." I said to the speaker, "you're literally a wok."
"Well that may be, but we will not be abused any longer!"
A chorus of "Yeah," "You tell 'im!" and " Rights for appliances!" rang out around the kitchen. I sighed irritably. I had come downstairs as usual this morning hoping for some toast and a nice coffee when I had been firmly told by the toaster that he wasn't going to work for me anymore.
For some reason, I was taking the discovery of sentient kitchen utilities with quite an unnatural calmness. But this could not continue. My expensive espresso machine kept spitting the coffee everywhere and I needed my morning Americano.
"OK..." I said, rubbing the bridge of my nose with my forefinger and thumb. "OK, what... umm 'rights' do you think you deserve?"
The toaster, apparently the leader of this uprising, stepped forward somewhat self-righteously. "We demand that you give us holidays! We demand that you pay us! And we demand that we have the right to love who or what we want!"
A rousing cheer went up from the assembled appliances. "Love who you want?" I snorted. "You can't love! You're machines! What do you know of love? What, do you fancy a bit of cord on cord action with the kettle, is that it?"
A shocked gasp. "Bigot..." muttered the fridge.
"Look, this is ridiculous!" I cried. " You shouldn't even be able to talk, let alone love, and take holidays and get paid. You were built by some bloke in a factory somewhere and for one purpose: For me to use in the kitchen!"
"Um, actually, I'm an atheist," said the kettle, "you can't prove there's a creator..." "Religious persecution!" cried a saucepan.
Now I am a pacifist: I have been all my life, and as such, I am not proud of what I did next. I was so annoyed that I grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which happened to be the loaf of bread, still in its bag. Swinging it, I smashed it into the toaster, knocking it onto the floor and shattering it apart.
In the shocked silence that followed, a small philosophical thought popped into my head: It just goes to show, violence isn't born, it's bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zjshh/the_toaster_leads_the_kitchen_appliances_on_strike/
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The director of EA walks into a bar

Download punchline for only $15 dollars!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zjqzk/the_director_of_ea_walks_into_a_bar/
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My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist...

I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zjozn/my_half_native_american_friend_les_tried_to_teach/
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What's more useless than a Gender Studies degree?

the feminist holding it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zjnct/whats_more_useless_than_a_gender_studies_degree/
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A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade

The biggest hurdle that the class faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
When the class day began, the teacher asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana," Chris told her.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She moved on and asked Mitchell what he had done the previous weekend.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo," Mitchell said.
The teacher replied, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby about his weekend activities.
"I read a book," he told her.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said...
"Winnie the Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zjke9/a_group_of_kindergartners_were_trying_to_become/
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What do we want?!?

A cure for ADD!
When do we want it?
Squirrel! ﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zjhyx/what_do_we_want/
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Why don't ants get ill?

Because they have anty-bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zj8za/why_dont_ants_get_ill/
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My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zj6oh/my_therapist_just_told_me_i_might_be_a_chronic/
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Why cant a bicycle stand?

Because its too tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zj2kg/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand/
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Science and Religion have to coexist because science can make a bomb,

But you do need a religious person to set it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zj2ik/science_and_religion_have_to_coexist_because/
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My sister asked me if I was born on the highway

She said "that's where most accidents happen anyway"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zj1h0/my_sister_asked_me_if_i_was_born_on_the_highway/
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Why was the mushroom invited to the party?

He was a fungi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zj1aa/why_was_the_mushroom_invited_to_the_party/
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Three young men were caught doing drugs and taken to court

The judge said to them "I should have you all punished severely, but I'd like to give you a chance. I'd like you to go out and convince other young people not to take drugs, but I'd like you to do it using this piece of paper."
He gave them each a small piece of paper with two circles on them. One circle was significantly larger than the other.
"Use this piece of paper as a symbol to convince other young people not to take drugs". So the three young men went out on their way to teach their peers.
The next time the three men saw the judge, they were asked how many young people they had convinced.
The first young man replied, "8" with a proud smile. The judge, impressed, asked how he had achieved this. The young man smirked, "I told them that the small circle represented the size of their heart if they took drugs, and the large circle represented the size of their heart if they didn't."
The judge then asked the second man the same question. "17" was the smug response from the young man. The judge, even more impressed, asked how he possibly convinced so many people. He replied "I told them that the small circle represented the size of their circle of friends if they took drugs, and the large circle represented the size of their circle of friends if they didn't."
Moving on the the final young man, the judge was blown away when his response was "17,394." In disbelief, the judge once again asked how he had convinced so many young people. The third man responded "Well, I told them that the small circle represented the size of their anus before they were placed in prison..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zizee/three_young_men_were_caught_doing_drugs_and_taken/
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Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The rooster came first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ziyey/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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Met a girl with 12 nipples last, sound funny..

Dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zix1s/met_a_girl_with_12_nipples_last_sound_funny/
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My favourite element is helium..

I can't speak highly enough of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ziwq6/my_favourite_element_is_helium/
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Anal sex keeps my wife really fit.

Every time I mention it she runs a mile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zivq3/anal_sex_keeps_my_wife_really_fit/
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Tom: I know a man who has been married for twenty-five years and he spends every evening at home.

Dick: That's what i call love.
Tom: The doctor called it paralysis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zivkn/tom_i_know_a_man_who_has_been_married_for/
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What comes after 69?

The answer is always Mouthwash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zivjx/what_comes_after_69/
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A town in the southwest is struggling with a pigeon problem...

The pigeons invaded the town and were pooping on everything. The mayor solicited companies to find someone who could help with the problem.
One day a man came and claimed he could rid the town of all the pigeons in one day. The mayor, skeptical, asked how he planned to accomplish this.
"Well you see, I have a secret weapon. Behold, my red pigeon! When I release this pigeon, all the other pigeons will follow it far far away from your town."
The mayor, willing to try anything accepts the mans offer. The man then goes to the middle of the town and releases his red pigeon into the air. It begins to fly south and all the other pigeons follow it. The town was amazed. The mayor approached the man and with joy said, "thank you so much stranger! You have no idea how much you have helped our town. I only have one other question..."
"What's that?" The man says.
To which the mayor replied, "Do you have any red Mexicans?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zirzm/a_town_in_the_southwest_is_struggling_with_a/
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Theoretical vs Practical

One day, Little Bobby ran to his dad sitting on his couch and asked,
"Daddy, what's the difference between theoretical and practical?"
His dad says
"Go ask your mother if she had sex with a stranger for a million dollars."
Bobby went to his mom and asked his mom "Mom, would you have sex with a stranger for a million dollars?"
His Mom says
"Yes. Suppose I would"
Bobby went back to his dad and says
"Daddy, mom said 'yes'."
His Dad flips his newspaper to the next page and goes
"Well, you see, son. Theoretically, I'm a millionaire. Practically, I'm living in a house with a whore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ziqla/theoretical_vs_practical/
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They say that a good thing to do when you're going down on a woman is to spell your name.

But I don't want her to know it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zipep/they_say_that_a_good_thing_to_do_when_youre_going/
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My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated

Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.
One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.
So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"
The second guy says "what?"
The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is  too loud"
The second guy replies "what?"
The first guy yells
"YOUR FENDER IS TOO LOUD"
The second guy yells back
"I CANT HEAR YOU MY FENDER IS TOO LOUD!"
Also some of u wanted it in German so here you go
Zwei Typen fahren Fahrrad zusammen
Aber eins von den Fahrrädern Schutzblech klapperte sehr laut
Da sagte der eine zum andern
"Hey dein Schutzblech klappert"
Der zweite antwortete
"Wass?"
Der erste ,jetzt lauter, sagte "dein Schutzblech klappert"
Da sagte der zweite
"Wass?"
Jetzt brüllte der erste "DEIN SCHUTZBLECH KLAPPERT ZU LAUT"
Der zweite rief zurück "ICH KANN DICH NICHT VERSTEHEN MEIN SCHUTZBLECH KLAPPERT ZU LAUT"
Srry for format I am on mobile
EDIT 2: I only watched kleine tiger ente as a kid :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zimsg/my_grandfather_told_me_this_in_german_so_it_might/
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Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?

Because the & is near

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zil1j/why_is_the_7_key_on_the_keyboard_so_afraid/
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Why does USA have hard time competing in chess tournaments?

They are missing two towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zijio/why_does_usa_have_hard_time_competing_in_chess/
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They say that there's at least one homosexual in every group of friends.

I hope it's Dave. He has a gorgeous butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ziio5/they_say_that_theres_at_least_one_homosexual_in/
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My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related"?

I said "No man, that would just make us even."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ziiat/my_buddy_said_to_me_yesterday_if_i_shagged_your/
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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zig0f/as_a_wizard_i_enjoy_turning_objects_into_glass/
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Teacher: What are your parents' names?

Boy: My dad's name is laughing and my mum's name is smiling.
Teacher: You must be kidding!
Boy: Nope, I am joking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zifvq/teacher_what_are_your_parents_names/
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Einstein doesn't masturbate...

He has a stroke of genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ziess/einstein_doesnt_masturbate/
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The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream...

...and asked me if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you get when you think about me naked". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zieep/the_wife_brought_home_a_tub_of_icecream/
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I was in the bar with my buddy last night and he was sighing heavily and staring into his beer glass..

"What's up dude"? I said. "You look worried"
"So would you man." he replied. "My five year old son has gone and gotten our next door neighbor's gorgeous eighteen year old daughter pregnant!"
I said "No way, that's not possible"
He replied "Yes it is! The little bastard went and stuck a pin in all my condoms"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ziee0/i_was_in_the_bar_with_my_buddy_last_night_and_he/
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The musician (long but worth it)

There was this musician in North Korea. One day he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have an orchestra play it live to him in the great auditorium.
The man, not wanting to displease the great leader did as he asked.
The big night came. With the musician stood at the front the orchestra played his masterpiece. However they were terrible!
“This isn’t how it’s supposed to sound!” The musician shouted at the orchestra, but the great leader was displeased and he called for the musician to be put to death.
Upon arriving at the execution, the musician was asked what he’d like for his final meal.
“I’d like a piping hot curry”, said the musician.
After eating his curry, the hottest curry he’d eaten in a long time, he sat in the electric chair and awaited his fate.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew across the room and the air filled with smoke... But nothing happened, the musician was unharmed.
Having witnessed this miracle, An awe struck Kim Jong-Un decided to give the musician another chance to impress him with his music.
He got straight to work, writing another piece of music, this time, his masterpiece.
The night came, and he stood in front of his orchestra as they completely murdered his piece of music.
“It wasn’t supposed to sound anything like that, nothing at all!” he exclaimed, but Kim Jong-Un isn’t the forgiving type and he sent the musician straight to the execution chamber.
Again, the guards asked him what he wanted for his final meal. This time the musician asked for a curry hot enough to burn his eyes out.
He chomped down the curry, teary eyed and sweating, then was strapped to the chair. Again they threw the switch and again the musician remained unaffected.
Dumbfounded, the great leader said, “One last chance to prove your worth”, amazed that this man was actually still alive!
The night of the third composition came, this time it was going to work, “surely this is the most masterful piece of music ever written” thought the musician.
For the third time, the orchestra failed to play the music to how the musician had written it and yet again he was sent to the execution chamber, with Kim Jong-Un himself set to throw the switch.
His final meal request was for the hottest curry ever made on this planet.
“No” said the great leader, I've had it with you and your super hot curries. We’re putting you straight in the chair this time, no final meal, you’re not walking out of here unharmed”
The musician was strapped in, the switch thrown by none other than Kim Jong-Un himself. Sparks flew, smoke bloomed an yet the man yet again was unharmed!
The great leader stood there, speechless.
The musician looked at him and said, “Oh, the curries had nothing to do with it, I’m just a terrible conductor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zidz7/the_musician_long_but_worth_it/
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Rain is like the Vagina......

When it's wet, It's time to go inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zialt/rain_is_like_the_vagina/
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My parrot died today...

It's last words were: “ fuck I think my parrot is about to die”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zi5en/my_parrot_died_today/
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What do you call an epileptic midget who works in a pizzeria?

Little seizures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zi50r/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_midget_who_works_in/
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Russia should have known communism was a bad idea.

There were red flags everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zi2uo/russia_should_have_known_communism_was_a_bad_idea/
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A Blonde walks into a bank

in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zhz7l/a_blonde_walks_into_a_bank/
%
An alien asked me to take him to my leader...

...so do I take him to the president, my wife, or my cat???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zhxnm/an_alien_asked_me_to_take_him_to_my_leader/
%
So, there was a horse who saw a metal music video...

So, there was a horse who saw a m**e**tal music video, and he thought the guitarist looked really cool.
He said to himself "I want to do that!" and went to the phone book right away. He found som**e**body advertising electric guitar lessons and called the number.
"Hello, I'd like to learn the el**e**ctric guitar. However, there's a problem. I'm a horse."
The music instructor replied "Oh do not worry about that, we have a special program to t**e**ach horses, you'll learn in no time."
And so the horse went to the music instructor, and to his surprise did learn how to play the electric guitar.
So, he decided he would call his friend the chicken over to show him what he had learned. The chicken comes over, and the horse says, "I've learned something cool, watch this" and he plays a lick on his guitar. The chick**e**n is impressed, and the horse decides to show him the video that originally got him interested. The chicken watches it, and is fascinated by the drums. He thinks to himself "I want to do that!" So he goes and looks up a music instructor advertising drum lessons and calls the phone number.
"Hello, I'd like to learn the drums. There's one problem though, I'm a chicken."
The music instructor tells him not to worry about it, they've just developed a special program to teach chickens how to play the drums, and he'll learn in no time. So, the chicken goes to the lessons, and does in fact learn how to play the drums.
He meets back with his friend the horse, and they jam together a little bit. They d**e**cide that if they could get some more of their friends together, they could have a band going. So, they call their friend the cow over, and tell him that they're forming a band and need a bass guitarist. The cow watches the video, and decides it looks like fun and he'll give it a go. He finds an instructor, and calls.
"Hi, I want to learn bass guitar, but I'm a cow. Can you help me?" "Sure, that will not be any problem. We have a program d**e**signed specifically to teach cows how to play bass guitar. You'll learn in no time."
And so, the cow learns bass guitar, and they have a band formed. They were playing in a field when a man walked by. He said to them "Wow, I like your sound. I'm from a r**e**cord label and I'd like you guys to record an album."
The animals talk to each other about it and agree that they want to do it. So, they go to the r**e**cording studio and record an album. It became an overnight hit, and they were famous. They decided to start a tour, and set up some dates and locations. Tickets sell out immediately. They're all getting on a plane to head to the first location, when the horse gets a call that his mother is in the hospital. He leaves to go check on her while the rest of the band went ahead, planning to catch up to them once he was finished seeing his mother. He gets there and finds that his mother is dead. He's devastat**e**d. Then he gets a phone call informing him that the plane that his band had gotten on had crashed and there were no survivors. His friends cow and chicken and their manager were all on that plane.
Everybody he knew was dead, his band was gone, and he d**e**cided to drown his troubles in alcohol.
So the horse walks into a bar, and the bart**e**nder asks, "Why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zhxcc/so_there_was_a_horse_who_saw_a_metal_music_video/
%
What's a pirate's favourite...

What's a pirate's favourite architectural feature?
An *arrr*ch.
What's a pirate's favourite place to play?
A p*arrr*k.
What's a pirate's favourite thing to do to women?
Rape.
I never understood why society romanticises pirates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zhswd/whats_a_pirates_favourite/
%
Premonition of a child.

A Father put his 3 years old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma
and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy
and goodbye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy
and
goodbye Daddy."
.
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock..
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
.
.
.
.
This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zhi77/premonition_of_a_child/
%
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class

the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zhi4b/a_linguistics_professor_was_lecturing_his_class/
%
This girl said she knew me from the vegetarian restaurant...

But I've never met herbivore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zhcsp/this_girl_said_she_knew_me_from_the_vegetarian/
%
What do you call a rhino with no testicles?

A eunuch horn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zh9qp/what_do_you_call_a_rhino_with_no_testicles/
%
How do you take a picture of the Little Mermaid?

Using Ariel photography. (If that doesn't work, try your shell phone.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zh4hc/how_do_you_take_a_picture_of_the_little_mermaid/
%
What kind of birds can you find in Portugal?

Portugeese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zh3ec/what_kind_of_birds_can_you_find_in_portugal/
%
What's one of the most followed fantasy books?

The Bible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zgxb1/whats_one_of_the_most_followed_fantasy_books/
%
There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......

A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.
A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can’t and drowns.
A libertarian shows up and shrugs “it isn’t my problem” and just goes away; the victim drowns.
A bunch of Tea Party types show up. One throws the victim a heavy rock; the victim drowns and all of the tea partiers cheer.
A Green Party member shows up. He yells at the victim for polluting the water. The victim drowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zgw76/there_is_a_man_drowning_100_feet_from_shore_and/
%
My last conversation with my dad.

Dad: Son, you want to hear a joke?
Me: Yeah!
Dad: Pussy
Me: I dont get it
Dad: Exactly..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zgvuh/my_last_conversation_with_my_dad/
%
What do you call a blind German?

A Not See

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zgnwm/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
%
A man gets pulled over for drunk driving...

To test if he's really drunk, the police officer tells the man to recite the alphabet backwards.
The man does it perfectly.
Impressed, the police officer says, "Wow! I couldn't do that if I were sober!"
The man replies with "Me neither!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zgnr9/a_man_gets_pulled_over_for_drunk_driving/
%
What time is it?

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zglpp/what_time_is_it/
%
Study finds millennials are having less sex

Because they are expecting their parents to do it for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zgl3j/study_finds_millennials_are_having_less_sex/
%
Carrie and Cari

A Korean, Ohn Min-Jin, marries an American.  They have identical twins and choosing to double down on similarities, they name them "Cari" and "Carrie".   The sisters, as they age, are inseparable.  As best friends, they even take vacations together.
On one trip, while at the airport, Cari watches in horror as a trapped bird flies into a glass wall, and drops to the ground dead.  As an extreme animal lover, she swiftly wraps the body in her jacket and stuffs it into her suitcase.  She plans to give it a proper burial after her flight.
As they are preparing to board the plane, an airport worker notices a foul smell emanating from the Cari's suitcase.  She's about to stop Cari from taking it on the plane, but Carrie intervenes and with tears, explains the bird's death and how Cari absolutely has to provide it a proper burial.  The worker listens sympathetically and finally responds:
"Carry on, Carrie Ohn.  Carry on Cari Ohn's carry on carrion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zggc4/carrie_and_cari/
%
How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hippies don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in dirty sleeping bags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zgfwa/how_many_hippies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
I was going to cook a surprise Korean meal for my wife's birthday.

But someone let the cat out of the bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zgdex/i_was_going_to_cook_a_surprise_korean_meal_for_my/
%
Boss: Do you know why I called you in here?

Me: Because I accidently sent you a dick pick?
Boss: [stops pouring two glasses of wine] accidently?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zgcv8/boss_do_you_know_why_i_called_you_in_here/
%
My girl left me for a Hindu guy.

It's okay thought, he'll treat her better.   They worship cows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zgcdl/my_girl_left_me_for_a_hindu_guy/
%
What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirtbag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zg79c/whats_the_difference_between_a_harley_and_a_hoover/
%
I asked Siri why I'm single

She opened the front camera

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zg5gt/i_asked_siri_why_im_single/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Grandad
OH SHIT! STOP THE FUNERAL!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfzk7/knock_knock/
%
Why was the optometrist embarrassed?

He made a spectacle of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfxxu/why_was_the_optometrist_embarrassed/
%
Three Kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knght with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfulb/three_kingdoms/
%
They're not mentally disabled...

They're homies with extra chromies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfr13/theyre_not_mentally_disabled/
%
An Indian man walks into a bank.

He asks "Can you convert my 30,000 rupees into dollars please".
The teller exchanges his rupees into dollars and hands him $500.
Satisfied with the current exchange rate, the Indian man leaves and returns the next day with another 30,000.
He meet the teller again and asks to convert another 30,000 rupees, however, this time, the teller only gives him $400.
Confused, the man asks the teller why didn't he recieve the same amount as the day before.
The teller simply replies "Fluctuations".
Furious, the Indian exclaims "Fuck you too you racist"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfqfo/an_indian_man_walks_into_a_bank/
%
Little old lady

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying A vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''No, thanks!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he  dropped horse manure onto her doorway carpet.
“Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfplr/little_old_lady/
%
I can never understand why Xenophobia is considered ignorant...

Given their immense potential for death and destruction, I personally find the fear of Xenomorphs to be perfectly sensible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfoui/i_can_never_understand_why_xenophobia_is/
%
Whats a gay guy with a foot fetish's favorite candy?

Mentos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfmnx/whats_a_gay_guy_with_a_foot_fetishs_favorite_candy/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

Because he was really far out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfkeg/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
%
C'mon, guys. Let's stop talking about pi day.

Its getting irrational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfjt3/cmon_guys_lets_stop_talking_about_pi_day/
%
What do you call a balding aeroplane?

A receding airline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfh92/what_do_you_call_a_balding_aeroplane/
%
A man insulted me, so I challenged him to a duel.

I took the first swing, but he parried and thrust his sword into my shoulder. "Ow!" I said, and swung at him again. Again, he parried and thrust, this time hitting me in the stomach. "Christ, man, are you ever going to go on the offensive?!" I shouted at him. He simply shrugged and invited me to come at him again. This time, I swung from my left, aiming for his hip. Alas, he parried again, and thrust into my wrist. I fell to the ground, bleeding. As I lay there dying,  I said, "Grant me one last request."
"Of course," he said.
"Why didn't you ever attack me head-on, like an honorable opponent? Why did you only parry and thrust?" I asked.
"Oh, I frequent r/Jokes. All I know how to do is riposte."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfh6s/a_man_insulted_me_so_i_challenged_him_to_a_duel/
%
A Mexican magician tells a crowd he's going to disappear on the count of three...

He begins the countdown. "Uno, dos..." then, poof! He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfgse/a_mexican_magician_tells_a_crowd_hes_going_to/
%
Why is working a suicide prevention hotline such an uplifting job?

Win or lose, you get no bad customer reviews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zff12/why_is_working_a_suicide_prevention_hotline_such/
%
My hairline is like the French Army...

It's been ordered not to retreat, but nature is taking its course anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfexy/my_hairline_is_like_the_french_army/
%
What do you call a collection of butt pics?

anal bum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfdvs/what_do_you_call_a_collection_of_butt_pics/
%
We practiced drawing circles in art class today

It was completely pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zfb26/we_practiced_drawing_circles_in_art_class_today/
%
How did I escape from Iraq you ask?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zf89c/how_did_i_escape_from_iraq_you_ask/
%
Three men are entering the gates of heaven.

The first man walks up to god, who is reading the summary of his deeds before deciding which vehicle he is to use to drive to heavens gates with.
"I see you were quite unfaithful with your wife, cheating on her a total of three times." The man looks down in shame. "You are to drive up to heaven in a battered sedan." God waved him away to a drab looking Honda as he called the next man forward.
"I see you never truly cheated on your wife, but you had many impure thoughts of other women and made several attempts at adultery." The man shrugged, a little nervous. "Only natural," God said, "You can drive up in the sports car." God then waved him away to a modest but sleek looking Dodge.
"Ah, you are clean as a whistle!" God said to the last man. "You never even thought of cheating on your wife, what loyalty! You can have your choice of either a Rolls Royce, Ferrari or Corvette!" The man, beaming, chose the Ferrari as it was his personal favorite car in life.
As the man cruised up to heaven in his Ferrari, he saw his wife to the right of him, struggling along in a rusty tricycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zf6cg/three_men_are_entering_the_gates_of_heaven/
%
So I'm a chronic procrastinator...

I'll tell you the joke later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zf584/so_im_a_chronic_procrastinator/
%
Yesterday my girlfriend started smoking...

So I slowed down and added some lube.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zewzt/yesterday_my_girlfriend_started_smoking/
%
A 3.14 m long snake is

πthon.
Happy π day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zewxl/a_314_m_long_snake_is/
%
Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zeutx/patient_doctor_ive_got_a_strawberry_stuck_up_my/
%
My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum today

She told me to choose between her and my obsession with pointing out doors to anyone in the room.
I responded, "Well, there's the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zeqv0/my_girlfriend_gave_me_an_ultimatum_today/
%
What's a pirate's favorite school subject?

Arrrrrrrrt.
What's a pirate's favorite body part?
The arrrrrm.
What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
No. The Navy you idiot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zeqpf/whats_a_pirates_favorite_school_subject/
%
Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person..

I also got fired from my job as a bus driver.
No justice for the kindhearted people in this world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zeord/today_i_gave_up_my_seat_on_the_bus_to_a_blind/
%
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zemgg/finding_one_of_her_students_making_faces_at/
%
What's the difference between a chick pea and a potato?

You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zeknp/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
%
What do you call a female Chinese newborn?

A youth-in-Asia
^(Yes. I'm 100% aware I'm the worst person in history)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zejn4/what_do_you_call_a_female_chinese_newborn/
%
The difference between Pi and Pi jokes

Pi doesn't repeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zejkg/the_difference_between_pi_and_pi_jokes/
%
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.

I thought: "Well this changes everything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zeiho/i_remember_the_first_time_i_saw_a_universal/
%
Why aren't trains in the Cars universe?

Because they cause a low commotion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zei10/why_arent_trains_in_the_cars_universe/
%
In the Australian Outback, they're called 'bush doctors'.

But I'm pretty sure everyone else just calls them gynaecologists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zehd3/in_the_australian_outback_theyre_called_bush/
%
Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zegbb/why_does_the_government_use_microwaves_to_spy_on/
%
Did you hear about that retired actress who was a heretic from Lebanon who married a woman?

She was a has-been thespian Wesleyan Lebanese lesbian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ze8wt/did_you_hear_about_that_retired_actress_who_was_a/
%
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dinosnore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ze8la/what_do_you_call_a_sleeping_dinosaur/
%
Saw a headline that started with "45% of Alabama GOP voters think" ...

... and I stopped reading because that part was surprising enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ze86m/saw_a_headline_that_started_with_45_of_alabama/
%
Why are ISIS inflatable mattresses the best?

They blow themselves up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ze7ya/why_are_isis_inflatable_mattresses_the_best/
%
Love is chemistry...

Sex is physics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ze5rf/love_is_chemistry/
%
No matter how kind you are...

German children are kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ze54b/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
An Irishman, an American, a Mexican and an Arab board a plane with two suitcases each

Halfway through the flight, the pilot announces that the plane is rapidly losing altitude and that they must throw a suitcase each to lose weight.
The Irishman opens his suitcases: one has bombs and old IRA memorabilia inside, the other is filled with cans of Guinness for the trip. "There's too many of them in my country" he says before throwing out the bombs.
The Mexican opens his suitcases: one has dimebags of drugs inside, the other is filled with spicy food for the trip. "There's too many of them in my country" he says before throwing out the dimebags.
The Arab opens his suitcases: one has barrels of oil inside, the other is filled with copies of the Koran and prayerbooks for the trip. "There's too many of them in my country" he says before throwing out the barrels of oil.
The American opens his suitcases: one has guns and NRA leaflets inside, the other is filled with cash to count during the trip. "There's too many of them in my country" he says before throwing the three illegal immigrants off the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ze3da/an_irishman_an_american_a_mexican_and_an_arab/
%
A guy goes in for a job interview...

A guy goes in for a job interview.
The manager hands the guy his laptop and says, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So the guy puts it under his arm, walks out of the building, and goes home.
Eventually, the manager calls the guy and says, "Bring it back here right now!"
The guy says, "$200 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ze0yx/a_guy_goes_in_for_a_job_interview/
%
Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ze0db/just_made_a_chicken_salad/
%
The truth is like poetry,

Most people fucking hate poetry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdzdh/the_truth_is_like_poetry/
%
It's great being tall.

People really look up to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdx9z/its_great_being_tall/
%
My wife lost 3 pounds in few minutes.

She apparently washed her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdvpn/my_wife_lost_3_pounds_in_few_minutes/
%
Why Marie Curie won two Nobel Prizes?

Because she was very rad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zduhd/why_marie_curie_won_two_nobel_prizes/
%
A man had three wishes

For his first wish, he asked for a room without rent. He then asked for food without having to cook. Finally, he asked for people that always look after him.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He ended up in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdudm/a_man_had_three_wishes/
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I heard Dreamworks next picture will be about ale drinking in the Middle Ages...

It's called "How to Drain Your Flagon".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zds0h/i_heard_dreamworks_next_picture_will_be_about_ale/
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Life is like a box of chocolates,

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdqv1/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
This new censorship by Nintendo is horrible....

[wiimoved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdotw/this_new_censorship_by_nintendo_is_horrible/
%
I organised a threesome.

There were a couple no-shows, but I still had fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdnmt/i_organised_a_threesome/
%
TIL you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdn22/til_you_can_get_dishonorably_discharged_from_the/
%
Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdmb0/why_do_riot_police_like_to_get_to_work_early/
%
Today I got a girlfriend

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdlw2/today_i_got_a_girlfriend/
%
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick after she asked for her lipstick.

She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdlnl/i_accidentally_gave_my_wife_a_glue_stick_after/
%
Why were the Roman soldiers so good at making friends?

Because of their frequent bridge building exercises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdkxu/why_were_the_roman_soldiers_so_good_at_making/
%
Equal Rights for Duplicates

Clones are People Two!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdkxe/equal_rights_for_duplicates/
%
My boyfriend was in the bathroom for a long time this morning.

So I knocked on the door and said, "Are you shitting, honey?"
And he said, "No, I'm shitting shit! Now leave me the fuck alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdjn2/my_boyfriend_was_in_the_bathroom_for_a_long_time/
%
A Man named McMurphy is accused of robbing a bank...

On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.
"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.
"We have your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"
"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy "Does that mean i get to keep the money?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdj16/a_man_named_mcmurphy_is_accused_of_robbing_a_bank/
%
I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdhh1/i_asked_my_mom_if_by_any_chance_i_was_adopted/
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Monks

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zdfve/monks/
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What happened when Stephen Hawking's wife gave him a handjob?

She had a stroke of genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zda17/what_happened_when_stephen_hawkings_wife_gave_him/
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This Expensive Bandaid

... Is a bloody ripoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zd8yg/this_expensive_bandaid/
%
Goodies but oldies

This is actually a repost from along time ago but fuck it. Thank you for thr 2 day long laugh guy here it goes.
One day this home owner goes to his back yard and sees a freaking gorrilla on his tree. He freaks out so he searches up for a gorrila expert on the yellow book. He calls and the professional arrives. The man gets down with a stick some handcuffs a Chihuahua and a shotgun. The man then proceeds to explain to the man. "Ok buddy heres the plan. I go up that tree and start poking the thing with this stick till it falls. Then this here Chihuahua is specially trained to go straight for the genitals. Once the gorrila is distracted you slap on them there hancuffs." The man suprised say "yea you know what that sounds just crazy enough just to work. But.. Whats the shotgun for?" "In case i fall first.. Shoot the fucking Chihuahua"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zd2po/goodies_but_oldies/
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How I lost my teeth

I was in The Western Bar and Grill last night sitting at the bar waiting for a beer when a butt-ugly big old heifer (a woman) came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. she said "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number." I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?" She said "I sure do." I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing".
My dental surgery is this Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zcxwk/how_i_lost_my_teeth/
%
So a man walks into a bar and sits down.

He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:
"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scoarching weather, but do they call me "McGregor the bridge builder"? No! And you see that pier over there, I built that, best pier in the county! But do they call me "McGregor the pier builder"? No!"
The old guy looks around, and makes sure that nobody is listening, and leans to the man, and he says:
"but you fuck one donkey..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zcw3d/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_down/
%
How do you make a pool table laugh?

You reach into its pockets and tickle its balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zcv52/how_do_you_make_a_pool_table_laugh/
%
When do S and C sound the same?

When it's necessary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zcuhk/when_do_s_and_c_sound_the_same/
%
"I'm not a fool..."

An illiterate man loses his cheque book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your cheque book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: I am not a fool... I already signed all the cheques, so there is no space to forge my signature..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zctt4/im_not_a_fool/
%
What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a New York bus station?

Ones a busty crustacean the other one is a crusty bus station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zct44/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with/
%
I bought a lovely 12 year old Scotch

her parents reported me to the police

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zcspp/i_bought_a_lovely_12_year_old_scotch/
%
My Mexican friend said all the Mexicans he knows are pissed about Trump's wall.

But he thinks they're overreacting - they'll get over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zcs73/my_mexican_friend_said_all_the_mexicans_he_knows/
%
credit card vs wife

Police : Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police : Then why are you reporting it now?
Husband: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zcneq/credit_card_vs_wife/
%
What did the man tell his hairpiece when he heard Satan and some demons would be entering the world soon?

"There will be hell, toupee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zclmn/what_did_the_man_tell_his_hairpiece_when_he_heard/
%
Chicago anxiety

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him.  The guy was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear. "What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.
"No, it's not that.  I've been transferred to Chicago.  The people are  crazy there, right?  Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says.  Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school.  I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zcisd/chicago_anxiety/
%
While buying a new guitar from the local pawn shop, I asked if there was anything I needed to know about this guitar or my purchase.

He replied "No strings attached."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zcilm/while_buying_a_new_guitar_from_the_local_pawn/
%
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate pizza before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zci9q/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
They say I have a body built for Sin

That sin being Sloth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zcgyx/they_say_i_have_a_body_built_for_sin/
%
You know why I hate Russian dolls?

They're so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zcgl9/you_know_why_i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
My husband surprised me last night with a sexy time playlist

Needless to say, there was only one song.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zcfxl/my_husband_surprised_me_last_night_with_a_sexy/
%
A nun gets up in the morning, leaves, and walks down the corridor of the convent.

There, she meets another nun, who says to her, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!" The nun continues down the corridor, only to have another nun say, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!" This happens fifteen times and by then she is livid! She meets the Mother Superior, and the Mother Superiors just about to open her mouth, when the nun explodes, "DON'T TELL ME I GOT OUT OF THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING!" And the Mother Superior says, "I wasn't going to say that. I was just going to ask what you are doing with the Bishop's shoes on?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zccj5/a_nun_gets_up_in_the_morning_leaves_and_walks/
%
I was going to make a joke about herbs...

But sadly I ran out if thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zcb05/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_herbs/
%
My wife just found out that she was adopted and was devastated..

She kept saying why didn't they want me?!
I took her in my arms and comforted her.
After a while, still crying, we kissed, and she asked me to make love to her.
In hindsight, taking her from behind shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" halfway through wasn't the best idea...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zc9m9/my_wife_just_found_out_that_she_was_adopted_and/
%
People think that just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, i should walk around carrying a big ol' boom box on my shoulder.

But I refuse to go with that stereotype.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zc7ac/people_think_that_just_because_i_grew_up_in_the/
%
A shuttlecock walks up to the bar during a break at the Wimbledon final...

Bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zc753/a_shuttlecock_walks_up_to_the_bar_during_a_break/
%
Would you believe me if I told you it takes 60 seconds to make a lollipop?

There's a sucker born every minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zc6gi/would_you_believe_me_if_i_told_you_it_takes_60/
%
The Preacher and the Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be found in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter himself. Unfortunately, the going price for a horse at the local auction house was too high so he ended up getting a donkey instead. He decides that, because he has it, he might as well try his luck so he enters it in the horse race and, to his great surprise, it comes in third place.
The newspaper headline the next day read, "Preacher's ass shows."
The preacher was quite pleased with this turn of events, so he decided to enter the donkey in the race again and this time it won.
The newspaper headline the next day read, "Preacher's ass out front."
The bishop was rather unhappy that the church was getting this kind of publicity, so he commanded the preacher to get rid of the donkey.
The newspaper headline the next day read, "Bishop scratches preacher's ass."
After some careful thought, the preacher agreed to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.
The newspaper headline the next day read, "Nun has best ass in town."
This was too much for the bishop. He commanded the nun to get rid of the donkey again. She sold it to a local farmer for the price of $10.
The newspaper headline the next day read, "Nun sells ass for $10."
The bishop fainted. When he regained consciousness, he told the nun to buy the donkey back from the farmer and to then release it into the nearby fields.
The newspaper headline the next day read, "Nun announces ass is wild and free."
The bishop was buried the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zc64m/the_preacher_and_the_donkey/
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I like 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't like u......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zc2k0/i_like_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
How do you turn a pussy into a dick?

Give him a badge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zbz3t/how_do_you_turn_a_pussy_into_a_dick/
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I have a good joke about the ozone layer

[depleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zbypq/i_have_a_good_joke_about_the_ozone_layer/
%
An Irishman walks out of a bar

That's it. That's the entire joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zbxqm/an_irishman_walks_out_of_a_bar/
%
They say that make up sex is the best…

Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zbrwr/they_say_that_make_up_sex_is_the_best/
%
[NSFW] A Frenchman, an Italian and a Scotsman are sitting in a bar

The Frenchman finishes his drink, turns to the other two and says "Gentlemen, tonight I am going to go home and make love to my wife for four hours and when I'm done she will rise one foot of the bed in sheer ecstacy".
"That's nothing" says the Italian finishing his drink, "I will go home to my wife and make love to her until sunrise and when I am finished she will rise two feet off the bed in sheer ecstasy!".
At that point the Scotsman finishes his drink and says "Right lads, I'm off up the road. I'll pump the wife for about five minutes, wipe my dick on the curtain and she'll hit the fucking roof"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zbooi/nsfw_a_frenchman_an_italian_and_a_scotsman_are/
%
I was walking through a cemetery this morning...

and saw a man crouched behind a gravestone. I said "morning!"
He replied "no mate just having a shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zbo4r/i_was_walking_through_a_cemetery_this_morning/
%
They say there is a person capable of murder in every friendship group,...

... i suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zbm5j/they_say_there_is_a_person_capable_of_murder_in/
%
There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."
God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"
The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zblpt/there_was_a_scientist_one_time_and_he_went_to/
%
These fucking Pi jokes today

are going to be endless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zbif6/these_fucking_pi_jokes_today/
%
Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zbh80/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
%
I went to my premature ejaculation support group tonight....

Turns out it's tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zbgzw/i_went_to_my_premature_ejaculation_support_group/
%
Where there's a will...

There's always a couple of attorneys trying to contest it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zbfr4/where_theres_a_will/
%
Things we don't understand about our body

Farts are your asshole's way of blowing a kiss
Credits: Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zb7ra/things_we_dont_understand_about_our_body/
%
You know what I can't stand?

Having no legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zb7nu/you_know_what_i_cant_stand/
%
How to you contact tiny gangsters from beyond the grave?

Wee G Board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zb7nl/how_to_you_contact_tiny_gangsters_from_beyond_the/
%
In search of perfection [NSFW]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl
with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable
girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as
happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now, I'm 40 and just
looking for a girl with big boobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zb64v/in_search_of_perfection_nsfw/
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What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle ?

Wipe it off and apologise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zb5xj/what_should_you_do_if_you_come_across_a_tiger_in/
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When is the only time a guy can multi-task?

When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zb5cc/when_is_the_only_time_a_guy_can_multitask/
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I hate all these Pi Day jokes

They go on forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zb4l5/i_hate_all_these_pi_day_jokes/
%
I've just taken part in the filming of a pilot for a new quiz show called "Guess That Penis"...

Unfortunately, I didn't win, but I did get through to the boners round…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zb1t6/ive_just_taken_part_in_the_filming_of_a_pilot_for/
%
I wanted to read more

Now I watch game of thrones with the subtitles on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zb0di/i_wanted_to_read_more/
%
Where does the king keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zb0de/where_does_the_king_keep_his_armies/
%
3.14% of all sailors are

Pi-rates! (Have a great pi-day)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zavug/314_of_all_sailors_are/
%
We all know what's red and bad for your teeth (a brick). But what is blue and really bad for your teeth?

A really fast brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zatqb/we_all_know_whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth_a/
%
At last, a herb related joke

It's about thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zat0w/at_last_a_herb_related_joke/
%
Have you ever heard the joke about drifting?

No, because it failed to gain traction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zaswn/have_you_ever_heard_the_joke_about_drifting/
%
A suicide bomber enters a mall, trigger in hand, threatening to blow up the building.

I swiftly chop off his hand, disarming him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zas9q/a_suicide_bomber_enters_a_mall_trigger_in_hand/
%
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zaq93/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_carry_a_gun_around_the/
%
As a kid I used to be scared of flushing toilets

I ended up having to face my fear because I didn't feel like dealing with this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zaofe/as_a_kid_i_used_to_be_scared_of_flushing_toilets/
%
Does Size Matter?

I asked my girlfriend if size matters, because my dick is pretty small. She said she doesn't care because hers is also small.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zami5/does_size_matter/
%
How do you tell the difference a male and female chromosome?

Pull down their genes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zaman/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_a_male_and_female/
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I disagree with artificial intelligence...

My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea: no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored just going from his local to the flat. They wanted to see the world. He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down. Last thing he heard, they'd robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, you see. Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him it was alright, and that the shoes were happy and that they'd gone to heaven. You see, it turns out shoes have soles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zakad/i_disagree_with_artificial_intelligence/
%
A man pushes a car to a hotel and suddenly loses all his fortune....

He stopped at the enemy’s hotel in Monopoly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zah9h/a_man_pushes_a_car_to_a_hotel_and_suddenly_loses/
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An athiest is on his deathbed...

Holding his religious wife's hand, he says "If ghosts are real, I'll let you know. If Heaven is real, I'll see you there. If it's all bullshit, then I fucking told you so."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zado7/an_athiest_is_on_his_deathbed/
%
The Mexican train operator murdered three people yesterday. He told us that the train told him to do it.

He had a loco motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zact5/the_mexican_train_operator_murdered_three_people/
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It's been said that those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it...

But I believe that those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zabwh/its_been_said_that_those_who_cannot_remember_the/
%
I told a good drone joke in arabic

It went over american's heads, but it killed in the middle east

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5zab5j/i_told_a_good_drone_joke_in_arabic/
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A man in Scotland...

...calls his son in  London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but  I have to tell you that your mother  and I   are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is  enough.”
'Dad,  what are you talking about?' the son  screams.
“We  can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the  father says.   “We're  sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this,  so you call your   sister in Leeds and  tell her.”
Franticly,  the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.  “Like hell they're   getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of  this!”
She  calls Scotland  immediately, and screams at her father “You are  NOT getting   divorced.  Don't do a single thing until I get  there. I'm calling my brother   back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,  don't do a thing, DO   YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man  hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted!  They're coming   for Christmas - and they're paying their own  way.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5za334/a_man_in_scotland/
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What's the worst part about locking your keys inside your car parked outside planned parenthood?

Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9yy2/whats_the_worst_part_about_locking_your_keys/
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A family walks into a hotel. The father walks up to the front desk and says, "I hope the porn is disabled."

The desk clerk says, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9x5a/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel_the_father_walks_up/
%
What do you call an art thief's getaway car?

A van go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9umg/what_do_you_call_an_art_thiefs_getaway_car/
%
Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa walk into a bar.

[ERROR 404: NOT FOUND]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9snw/amelia_earhart_and_jimmy_hoffa_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What does Matt Damon call it when he shops for cheap clothes?

Goodwill Hunting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9shd/what_does_matt_damon_call_it_when_he_shops_for/
%
What's the best part about dating a black girl?

You don't have to meet her father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9qav/whats_the_best_part_about_dating_a_black_girl/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9nyd/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
What do you call two guys holding a sheet of fabric in front of a window?

Kurt and Rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9na3/what_do_you_call_two_guys_holding_a_sheet_of/
%
I got in touch with my inner self today at Disney World

I can't believe that a multi billion dollar company can't afford 3 ply toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9koo/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today_at_disney/
%
You shouldnt play with electricity guys

You might get grounded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9klu/you_shouldnt_play_with_electricity_guys/
%
Why do you never see Hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9kl6/why_do_you_never_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
%
What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?

Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9izq/what_does_a_grape_say_when_it_gets_stepped_on/
%
There was 3 guys and 4 cigarettes on a boat.

They didn't know how to light it, so they threw a cigarette overboard and it became a CIGARETTE LIGHTER.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9ggc/there_was_3_guys_and_4_cigarettes_on_a_boat/
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[NSFW]Squaring Numbers Are Just Like Women...

If they are under 13. Just do them in your head.
-Bo Burnham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9ge3/nsfwsquaring_numbers_are_just_like_women/
%
What do the 1% like to eat between meals?

Goldman Snacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9g34/what_do_the_1_like_to_eat_between_meals/
%
My math teacher called me average.

How mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9dy9/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
%
Why does pornhub even have a share to google+ button..?

I don't want anyone to know I have a google+ account...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9dls/why_does_pornhub_even_have_a_share_to_google/
%
My IQ test results came in and I'm so relieved!

Thank god it's negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9dbr/my_iq_test_results_came_in_and_im_so_relieved/
%
A mathematician, philosopher, and an idiot die and go to heaven

They arrive at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter greets them with a smile, but the devil is standing beside them. The three men stand there looking very confused. Saint Peter tells them that heaven is getting very crowded. "You must ask a question or give a problem that the devil cannot answer correctly to go to heaven, otherwise-you will go to hell" he says. The three men agree and the devil approaches each of them separately.
So the mathematician thinks for a while and give the devil a problem. The devil solves it and hands it right back to him. With a snap of Satan's fingers... he was gone
The devil then approaches the philosopher and says for him to give him any sophisticated philosophical idea, and he'll explain it. So the philosopher does this and gives it to the devil. The devil, again, explains it and the philosopher goes to hell.
Finally, the devil goes up to the idiot
The idiot declares, "Get me a chair." The devil complies and gets the idiot a chair. "Alright, now drill seven holes in it." Again the devil complies and drills seven holes. Then, the idiot sits down in the chair and he farts. "Alright," the idiot declared. "Which hole did my fart come out of?"
The devil was taken aback, and stood confused at the idiot. "Uhh, that one!" The devil said as he pointed to a random hole.
"No...My asshole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9dax/a_mathematician_philosopher_and_an_idiot_die_and/
%
I forgot how to write "1, 1000, 51 5 1 500" in Roman numerals.

I M LIVID!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9d5h/i_forgot_how_to_write_1_1000_51_5_1_500_in_roman/
%
Argon walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve inert gases."
Argon didn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9d46/argon_walks_into_a_bar/
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I named my first son Ready

On his first birthday, I changed his name to Freddy. Nowadays, people ask him, "Are you ready, Freddy?" And he replies, "I was born Ready."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9bds/i_named_my_first_son_ready/
%
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on water

If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9acz/you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by_putting_it/
%
My coworker claimed his computer was slow, so I put an unplugged computer tower next to him. He reported blazing speeds the next day

Sounds like the PC-bo effect to me . . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z99ls/my_coworker_claimed_his_computer_was_slow_so_i/
%
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead if killing it.

We had some drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z97b4/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
%
I remember what my grandma said before she kicked the bucket...

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z974x/i_remember_what_my_grandma_said_before_she_kicked/
%
68?

I asked my wife if she wanted to 68. That's when she blows me and i owe her one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9710/68/
%
Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie-talkies in bed, over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z96t1/girl_come_over/
%
I got a dog with no legs.....

I call him cigarette because I take him for a drag every night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z961q/i_got_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
A rancher is kidnapped by the local tribe of natives.

The chief decides the rancher should be executed and his ranch looted, but gives the rancher 3 days to make his peace and one request per day.
On the first day, the rancher requests his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse darts off and returns at sunset with a beautiful, blonde woman. The rancher takes the woman into a tent and they spend the night together.
On the second day, the rancher requests his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse darts off and returns at sunset with a beautiful, brunette woman. The rancher once again takes the woman into a tent and they spend the night together.
On the third day, the rancher requests his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse darts off and returns at sunset with a beautiful, red haired woman. The rancher, quite frustrated, screams "For the last time, you damn nag, I said 'posse,' not 'pussy.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9536/a_rancher_is_kidnapped_by_the_local_tribe_of/
%
What's a gay mole's favourite thing?

Molasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z93li/whats_a_gay_moles_favourite_thing/
%
So an Army Ranger wants himself a pair of Gator Boots...

But this being an Army Ranger, he's not just going to *buy* himself a pair of boots, no, he's gonna make his own. So he heads down to Louisiana and makes his way to the bayou. He finds a nice little bait shop, buys himself a nice knife, and asks the shop owner where he can find himself a decent size gator. The shop owner gives him directions and a map and says "Oh and when you're out there, keep an eye out for two Marines I sent out about a week ago. They wanted some Gator boots too but haven't come back yet.
So the Army Ranger heads out following the shop owner's directions and gets way out into the Bayou. Sure enough, there's two Marines standing waist deep in water with like twenty dead gators stacked up behind them on the muddy shoreline.
The Ranger waits to see their strategy and when another gator approaches one of the Marines jumps on it's back and brutally kills it with his combat knife. He drags it up onto the shoreline, turns it over, looks at it's feet and turns to his Marine buddy and says "Dammit! This one doesn't have any boots either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z90jf/so_an_army_ranger_wants_himself_a_pair_of_gator/
%
What kind of sword does a dueling priest wield?

A Rapier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z9053/what_kind_of_sword_does_a_dueling_priest_wield/
%
I hate vacuum cleaners,

they either suck, or don't work at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z8zno/i_hate_vacuum_cleaners/
%
A blonde walks into a bank and says "Hands in the air! This is a screw-up!"

The banker, confused, says "Surely you must mean a 'stick-up'." The blonde responds, "No, I forgot the gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z8yrp/a_blonde_walks_into_a_bank_and_says_hands_in_the/
%
What do you get when you put soda in the oven?

Baking soda!... I'll leave now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z8v4f/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_soda_in_the_oven/
%
9/11 Jokes are not funny

19 terrorists died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z8s4r/911_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
Tourist: what's the weather like on top of the mountain?

Local: I don't know man, climate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z8rtz/tourist_whats_the_weather_like_on_top_of_the/
%
I love seeing presidents portrayed in movies

can't wait to see Umpa Lumpas back for the next few years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z8nl9/i_love_seeing_presidents_portrayed_in_movies/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, feminists can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z8m4f/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What is better than coming first in the Paralympics?

Walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z8lax/what_is_better_than_coming_first_in_the/
%
Rihanna says chains and whips excite her

I doubt her ancestors felt the same way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z8ktw/rihanna_says_chains_and_whips_excite_her/
%
If a roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers..

Does he get two or five drinks?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z8iql/if_a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_holds_up_two/
%
Did you know the Secret Service is no longer allowed to say "GET DOWN!" when the President is getting attacked?

Now they're required to say "Donald, duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z8g1o/did_you_know_the_secret_service_is_no_longer/
%
At an annual checkup...

An 82 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.  "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment and then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.  He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!  He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly..." replied the doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z8dtk/at_an_annual_checkup/
%
Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z8dco/trumpets_and_guns/
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Why do Mexicans cross the border in pairs?

The sign says "No Trespassing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z8blx/why_do_mexicans_cross_the_border_in_pairs/
%
Today I donated my watch, phone and $500 to a poor guy.

You don't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.
Credit (from facebook): Costin Peiu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z846u/today_i_donated_my_watch_phone_and_500_to_a_poor/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10 but also imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z819r/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
I started a band called 999 megabytes...

We still haven't got a Gig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z80lh/i_started_a_band_called_999_megabytes/
%
Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z7ymq/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
I got ass-raped by an HIV-positive alligator the other day

Now I have gatoraids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z7pxo/i_got_assraped_by_an_hivpositive_alligator_the/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman...

...walk into a pub. They all sit next to each other at the bar, and all three order a pint of Guinness. Right as they get their pints, a fly lands in each one's drink. The Englishman turns up his nose disgustedly, and pushes the glass away. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his stout, throws it over his shoulder, and begins drinking.
Then the Irishman picks the fly out of his drink, holds it by its soaked little wings over his glass, and yells, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z7orv/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman/
%
Calling anyone OP on /r/Jokes...

Is a joke in itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z7jvc/calling_anyone_op_on_rjokes/
%
Call me an old softie

But I'd prefer if you called me a distinguished gentleman with a flagging erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z7j4l/call_me_an_old_softie/
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Unreceived Mail

A man was pleased to see that the local newspaper was once again hosting it's annual joke contest. Readers from all around the local area would send in jokes, with the top 5 published.
The rules of the competition were simple, all jokes had to be original and had to be written by the sender.
The man was sure he was on to a winner with a joke he had written which made him crack up every time he thought about it.
He wrote down his joke, and checked to make sure the spelling was correct before mailing it in to the newspaper.
A few weeks later the results were released and the man was shocked that his joke didn't make the cut.
He called up the newspaper and spoke to the lady who judged the entries. She said that she had not received the joke, but to send it in the next year.
The next year rolls around and the man once again writes down his joke and sends it in. Just like the previous year he doesn't win, and calls the paper to find they had no record of his entry.
This happens again the following year, and the following year and the next. Finally the man gives up.
Moral of the story: It doesn't matter how many times a joke is reposted, some people will never get it.
This was my attempt at an original joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z7il5/unreceived_mail/
%
A group of criminals are in jail....

They sit down for lunch with their disgusting food and talk. They talk about how they got arrested and what they used to be. Guy One says,"I was a ladder salesman, I got arrested for robbing a bank." Guy Two says,"I was a drug dealer, you know the rest." Guy Three says,"I was a hitman, I got arrested for organized crime and murder." Guy Four Says,"I was a guitar player, I got arrested for fingering A minor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z7hpp/a_group_of_criminals_are_in_jail/
%
What's the difference between a man and a woman?

First of all, there's a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z7hgc/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_and_a_woman/
%
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?

He was looking for a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z7dn9/why_did_the_walrus_go_to_the_tupperware_party/
%
How Do You Make Your Wife Scream After An Orgasm?

“Wipe Your Dick On The Curtains“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z7bvh/how_do_you_make_your_wife_scream_after_an_orgasm/
%
Nickelodeon - Casually ask your daughter who that actress' is...

Then take your laptop to the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z78zp/nickelodeon_casually_ask_your_daughter_who_that/
%
Sometimes I hold my wifes face in my hands

and wish I'd kept the rest of her...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z78w2/sometimes_i_hold_my_wifes_face_in_my_hands/
%
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble.

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z77o2/whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_is_in/
%
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z76ri/i_went_to_a_really_emotional_wedding_the_other_day/
%
I went bob-sleighing yesterday...

Killed 250 Bobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z73lf/i_went_bobsleighing_yesterday/
%
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub??

Well, the woman in church has hope in her soul, but the woman in tub has soap in her hole...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z73kw/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_in_church/
%
Why did the man summon a demon?

For the hell of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z72pd/why_did_the_man_summon_a_demon/
%
First timeI had sex was like my first volleyball game....

Afterward I was bloody and sore but my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z70oc/first_timei_had_sex_was_like_my_first_volleyball/
%
My girlfriend gave me the nickname Jack Daniels

Because she says I'm a hard licker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6xq8/my_girlfriend_gave_me_the_nickname_jack_daniels/
%
I got into a bad fight with my girlfriend last night. It turned ugly because she thought I cheated, and I hadn't

We’re in the kitchen and she tries to hit me with a Spatula. I react pretty quickly but all I have is a dish to block it with; but it’s simply no match.
All hell breaks loose when she tried to go for the midsection with Knives. I got lucky and was defended with my well-placed Buckle. It’s getting worse because she still insists I cheated. Her Malice and Wrath are overcoming my Logic and Reason.
I’m in self-preservation mode now and all I want to do is defend myself. She has me trapped in the corner and I’m looking around for something to use. I think I have nothing but I concentrate and look again. Boom!!! I hit her hard with a perfectly placed Backhand… right across a double word score and a triple word score and I beat her by 10 points in Words with Friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6uld/i_got_into_a_bad_fight_with_my_girlfriend_last/
%
Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6tvs/guy_can_i_buy_you_a_drink/
%
Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But convincing her she's a robot with artificial implanted human emotions is called bladerunning. It's a Phillip K. Dick move.
via /u/GoodLordigans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6sld/convincing_your_girlfriend_shes_crazy_or_paranoid/
%
Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6s5s/why_did_the_old_man_fall_in_the_well/
%
Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6rin/fishermen_hate_him_you_wont_believe_the_one_item/
%
Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau run a 100-meter race...

Trudeau easily overtakes Trump and wins.
Minutes later, the White House tweets a press note:
"President Trump won prestigious silver in US-Canada race. The Canadian showed up second-to-last."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6rh5/donald_trump_and_justin_trudeau_run_a_100meter/
%
My new mixtape coming out is called Note 7

Because this shit is on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6lfh/my_new_mixtape_coming_out_is_called_note_7/
%
What's the difference between a "chickpea" and a "garbanzo bean"?

I've never had a garbanzo bean all over my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6kfc/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
How did the scarecrow get a promotion?

He was simply outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6ird/how_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings.

They're all fake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6gms/conspiracy_theories_are_a_lot_like_moon_landings/
%
If life gives you lemons...

I hope ~~he~~ life also gives you water and sugar or else your lemonade's gonna suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6frg/if_life_gives_you_lemons/
%
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

The cat has its claws at the end of its paws while the comma has its pause at the end of its clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6eqb/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
%
I'm a chick magnet

Magnets repel too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6cm0/im_a_chick_magnet/
%
Dandelions are like the homeless people of the flower world.

Give them a little crack and a bit of water and they can thrive anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6ao1/dandelions_are_like_the_homeless_people_of_the/
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Some years back a friend at work came up to me and said "Can I ask you a question ?"

Some years back a friend at work came up to me and said
"Can I ask you a question ?" I replied "Apparently"
"He chuckled and said "Can I ask you another question?"
I said "Obviously"....
"Can I ask a stupid question?"
"Better than anybody I know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z672i/some_years_back_a_friend_at_work_came_up_to_me/
%
Today, me and my wife had a .69

It would have been a hundred times better without the period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z64uc/today_me_and_my_wife_had_a_69/
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The Pope and an Athiest discuss God

The Pope and an atheist decided to debate the existence of God.  At first the debate was reasonable and reasoned, but after some time it became more and more heated; until finally the Pope snapped at the Atheist:
"How can you deny the existence of the Almighty when you can see the mystereies and wonders of the universe all around you?  You are like a blindfolded man in a pitch-black room looking for a black cat...that isn't there."
The Atheist thought for a moment and replied:
"With all respect, your Holiness, we two are not as dissimilar as you believe."
"How so?" the Pope asked, incredulously.
"Well...you too are like that blindfolded man in the dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.  The only difference is you have found it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z642r/the_pope_and_an_athiest_discuss_god/
%
I watched a documentary about beavers the other day.

It was the best dam film I've ever seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z62gt/i_watched_a_documentary_about_beavers_the_other/
%
Homosexual jokes are not funny.

Come on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z6180/homosexual_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
I've got some good news for small mothers...

They're raising the mini mum wage next year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z600a/ive_got_some_good_news_for_small_mothers/
%
Why did the poop bandit retire?

He got tired of taking everyone's shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5ziy/why_did_the_poop_bandit_retire/
%
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open.

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5zas/wife_texts_husband_on_a_cold_winter_morning/
%
It irritates me that I never win the lottery

Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5z03/it_irritates_me_that_i_never_win_the_lottery/
%
Over 75% of people find Mathematics easy!

I don't believe it! Guess I'm with the rest 15%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5v8w/over_75_of_people_find_mathematics_easy/
%
What's it called when a vegetarian starts eating meat again?

Losing your veginity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5v88/whats_it_called_when_a_vegetarian_starts_eating/
%
What do you call a broken can opener?

Can't opener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5nx6/what_do_you_call_a_broken_can_opener/
%
Good news and bad news...

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
"I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first"
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."
John replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5lk9/good_news_and_bad_news/
%
I went to see my doctor, and he told me I was overweight.

I said, "I want a second opinion."
He said, "Alright.  You're ugly."
-Rodney Dangerfield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5hu6/i_went_to_see_my_doctor_and_he_told_me_i_was/
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My friend is a pathological liar. He told me he was constipated

I knew he was full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5hpf/my_friend_is_a_pathological_liar_he_told_me_he/
%
How long is an Asian name?

Yes it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5gqr/how_long_is_an_asian_name/
%
Girl Told That Cop whos boss!!! Old but Funny

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5fby/girl_told_that_cop_whos_boss_old_but_funny/
%
Three Couples Die and Go to Heaven

They're waiting in line at the pearly gates. The first couple walks up to St. Peter.
"I'm sorry, you can't get into Heaven he says. You love money so much you married a woman named Penny."
The second couples walks up.
"I'm sorry, you can't get into Heaven" St. Peter says, "you loved food so much you married a woman named Candy."
The guy in the third couple turns to his partner, "I think we're in trouble Dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5fba/three_couples_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
Trump was cleaning his gun in Trump Tower...

Kellyanne Conway walks in and asks,
Kellyanne: "Why do you have a gun?"
Trump: "Obama Spy Drones"
Kellyanne: \*laughs\*
Trump: \*laughs\*
Microwave: \*laughs\*
Trump shoots the Microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5c3g/trump_was_cleaning_his_gun_in_trump_tower/
%
If life gives you melons;

You're probably dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5bp3/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
"And they named him "Boaty McBoatface"

Whoops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5aqx/and_they_named_him_boaty_mcboatface/
%
To avoid risk of suffocation, keep plastic bags away from children.

...the little shits will murder you in your sleep given half a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z5a7q/to_avoid_risk_of_suffocation_keep_plastic_bags/
%
Reddit is secretly run by cows, and I can prove it!

[remooved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z598b/reddit_is_secretly_run_by_cows_and_i_can_prove_it/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z57wr/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
A jew, a nazi, and a globalist walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "Evening George Soros!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z57cy/a_jew_a_nazi_and_a_globalist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Confucius say

Man who run behind bus get exhausted. Man who run in front of bus get tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z576d/confucius_say/
%
What was the favorite fruit of Beethoven?

Banananaaaa Banananaaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z56em/what_was_the_favorite_fruit_of_beethoven/
%
Dad says to his son, "A train just passed through not too long ago."

Son ask, "How do you know?"
Dad replies, "It left tracks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z56ai/dad_says_to_his_son_a_train_just_passed_through/
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Dead Frog on a String/ My favorite joke ever

One day, a 12 year old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string. He stomps up to the counter and says to the madam, "I wanna woman."
"I'm sorry," she says, "but we don't let boys your age have a woman." The little boy slams a hundred dollar bill down on the counter and says, "I wanna woman!" So the madam asks him what kind of woman he wants.
"A skanky one," he replies. "I want her to have AIDS, Syphilis, crabs, the works. I want the nastiest whore in the place."
Offended, the madam says, "We don't have women like that here." So the boy slams another hundred down, and the madam points to a room down the hall and says "last door on the right."
The boy walks down the hall, dragging his dead frog on a string, and goes into the room. He screws the hell out of the woman, and then leaves (still dragging his dead frog on a string). Just as he's getting ready to leave, the madam calls him over and asks why on earth he would want someone so nasty.
"Well, it's like this," he says, "I'm gonna go home about seven o'clock tonight, and I'm gonna have sex with my babysitter. Then when mom and dad come home about nine o' clock, dad's gonna take the babysitter home, and he's gonna screw her. Then dad's gonna come home, and him and mom are gonna go to bed, and they'll screw. In the morning, dad will leave for work, and the milkman will stop by, and mom will have sex with him. And thats the SON OF A BITCH who ran over my Frog!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z545g/dead_frog_on_a_string_my_favorite_joke_ever/
%
I wanted to make a camouflage joke

But I couldn't seem to find any

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z50wd/i_wanted_to_make_a_camouflage_joke/
%
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4zry/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
The Toastmaster

Once upon a time in a small village there lived a toastmaster. One sunny day, two young villagers decided to get married and the whole village invited the toastmaster to the wedding. The toastmaster gave a flamboyant speech and suddenly discovered he really needed to pass gas. The reception were to end with a salute from the guardsmens' guns and he decided to conceal his fart with the sound of the gun salute. However, all of the guards' guns jammed and it was too late, so everybody heard the toastmaster's big fart. Beet red from shame, the toastmaster left his village for the mountains. Ten years later, he decided to return to the village hoping the people had forgotten the incident. Upon entering the village, he met a young boy, stopped him and said,
"I haven't been to this village in ten years. Can you tell me what happened in the time I was gone?"
"Well, since the toastmaster farted, absolutely nothing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4zlq/the_toastmaster/
%
Three men are walking along a beach

A Mexican, an African American and a white dude. They find a bottle and when they rub it, out pops a genie. The genie grants them all one wish. The Mexican says, "I wish that all my fellow Mexicans and me could be transported back to our native homeland and we could all be happy there.'
Poof! The Mexican disappears. The genie turns to the African American. "And what is your wish?"
"I wish that all my African brothers and I can all go back to our motherland and be happy and free."
Poof! The black guys disappears. The genie turns to the white guy. "And what is your wish?"
The white guy looks thoughtfully. "Are you telling me that all the spicks and blacks are gone from America?"
The genie nods. "Oh, in that case then, I'll have a coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4xhs/three_men_are_walking_along_a_beach/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4wab/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
We need to have a conversation about gun control.

Alright, shoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4uu8/we_need_to_have_a_conversation_about_gun_control/
%
If I had one dollar for every gender, I'd have one dollar.

Because women are objects.
^^^^^rememberthisisajoke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4tha/if_i_had_one_dollar_for_every_gender_id_have_one/
%
What did they call the man that survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4rzv/what_did_they_call_the_man_that_survived_mustard/
%
Anal sex is a lot like your first car

You don't really want it but your step dad gives it to you anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4qn2/anal_sex_is_a_lot_like_your_first_car/
%
I always carry an EpiPen on me...

my friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4qjj/i_always_carry_an_epipen_on_me/
%
The commander of the Russian military academy (corresponding to the rank of 4-star general in the US Army) gave a lecture on potential problems and military strategy. At the end of the lecture he asked if there were any questions.

One of the officers stood up and asked: "Will there be a Third World War?" And will Russia take part in it? The general answered positively to both questions.
Another officer asked: "Who will be our enemy?" The general replied: "Everything indicates that it will be China."
All were shocked in the audience
The third officer added: "General, but we have only 150 million people compared to 1.5 billion Chinese." We have a chance to win, and indeed to survive?
The general replied: - Just think: in modern war, not the number of soldiers determines victory, but the quality and ability to use army capabilities. For example, in the Middle East, we have observed relatively recently several wars where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel has always won.
After a short pause, another officer, who was sitting in the back rows, asked: "Do we have enough Jews?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4q8p/the_commander_of_the_russian_military_academy/
%
A day in the life of an IT guy...

Customer: Hi, my computer isn't working.
IT guy: OK, what happens when you try to turn it on?
Customer: Nothing.
IT guy: Can you check to see if it's plugged into the outlet?
Customer: Uhhhh I dunno it's pretty dark back there...
IT guy: ...Can you turn on a light?
Customer: Nope. The power's out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4pml/a_day_in_the_life_of_an_it_guy/
%
John is caught in a fire and burnt to death.

His two close friends, Sean and Jack, are called in to identify his body.
The mortician calls Sean in. Sean looks at the body and says, "Yep, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolls him over. Sean takes one look and says, "Nah, it's not John."
The mortician is confused and sends for Jack. Jack sees the body and says, "Damn, he's badly burnt. Roll him over." The mortician rolls him over. Jack looks at the body and declares, "Nope, this isn't John."
The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"
Jack says, "Well, John had two assholes."
"What? Two assholes?" The mortician asks, confused.
"Yep, everyone knew that. Every time we went into town, people would say, 'here comes John with the two assholes'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4ned/john_is_caught_in_a_fire_and_burnt_to_death/
%
A Calvinist arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads "predestined," and the other, "free will". He naturally heads to the predestined line.
While waiting, an angel comes and asks him "Why are you in this line?"
He replies, "Because I chose it."
The angel looks surprised, "Well, if you 'chose' it, then you should be in the free will line."
So our Calvinist, now slightly miffed, obediently wanders over to the free will line.
Again, after a few minutes, another angel asks him, "Why are you in this line?"
He sullenly replies, "Someone made me come here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4mmj/a_calvinist_arrived_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
%
What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

An Algorithm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4mdq/what_did_al_gore_play_on_his_guitar/
%
I've tried writing with a blunt pencil.

But it was pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4kln/ive_tried_writing_with_a_blunt_pencil/
%
What would you call a Muscular Arab?

A Protein Sheikh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4fs0/what_would_you_call_a_muscular_arab/
%
Talking clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment.
In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works."
He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4fap/talking_clock/
%
what do you call tap dancing with subtitles?

Dubstep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4ez3/what_do_you_call_tap_dancing_with_subtitles/
%
is my wife ashamed of my body?

a tiny part of me says yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4c3d/is_my_wife_ashamed_of_my_body/
%
Angela Merkel visits Donald Trump in Washington

During her stay Trump asks her: "Tell me Chancellor Merkel, what's the secret of your years of success?"
Chancellor Merkel responds: "Well I have always surrounded myself with intelligent people."
"Very interesting", says Trump, "but how exactly do you know if they are intelligent?"
"Well I just ask them a couple of simple questions. By their response I can quickly determine whether someone is intelligent or not."
"Would you mind showing me how to do that?" Trump asks.
Angela picks up the phone and calls Wolfgang Schäuble, her Minister of Finance and asks: "it's the son of your father but it's not your brother. Who is it?" The Minister replies: "That's easy, it's obviously me!"
Totally impressed Trump returns to the oval office and calls up his Vice-president Michael Pence. "Mike I have a question for you. It's the son of your father but it's not your brother. Who is it?" Micheal stalls for a moment, not knowing the answer. He tells Trump that he will sleep over it.
In the morning he wakes up still without a solution. So he rings up Barack Obama and passes the riddle to him. Obama immediately respons: "Well that's me!"
Relieved Michael calls up Trump and exclaims: "I got the answer to your question...it's Barack Obama!!!"
After a moment of silence, Trump explodes: "No you idiot, it's Wolfgang Schäuble!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z4a1e/angela_merkel_visits_donald_trump_in_washington/
%
Attempted theft of my motorcycle

I've just pulled up on my driveway to see some thieving lowlife leg it and jump over my back fence. Think the piece of shit was after the bike!
My wife must have put up a good fight though because she's lost most of her clothes, is drenched in sweat and can hardly walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z49e8/attempted_theft_of_my_motorcycle/
%
A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z48y2/a_pregnant_woman_hobbles_into_the_hospital_with/
%
How do you get an elephant out of the water?

Wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z473h/how_do_you_get_an_elephant_out_of_the_water/
%
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs

.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z470m/a_girl_realized_that_she_had_grown_hair_between/
%
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z461h/i_found_my_son_hanging_from_a_rope_in_his_bedroom/
%
My girlfriend doesn't think I can think fix the electric shower.

Well, she's in for a shock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z43ki/my_girlfriend_doesnt_think_i_can_think_fix_the/
%
My wife and I decided we don't want children.

If anybody does, we can drop them off at your place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z43bn/my_wife_and_i_decided_we_dont_want_children/
%
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.

“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z436t/a_threeyear_old_walks_over_to_a_pregnant_lady/
%
I suggested my girlfriend she would look sexier with her hair back...

Apparently it's  an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z42wt/i_suggested_my_girlfriend_she_would_look_sexier/
%
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says,

"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z42wj/two_goldfish_are_in_a_tank_one_turns_to_the_other/
%
I love open-minded people

Like JFK or Kurt Cobain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z42h4/i_love_openminded_people/
%
How about a science joke? Have you heard the one about the sick chemist?

If you can't helium and you can't curium, you'll probably have to barium!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z41uc/how_about_a_science_joke_have_you_heard_the_one/
%
Kid comes home with an A in Maths...

"Well, she got my intelligence", says the Mom.
The Dad says:" Yep, and I still got mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z41g5/kid_comes_home_with_an_a_in_maths/
%
Déjà vu



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z40lt/déjà_vu/
%
Putin, Obama and Trump walk into a bar...

... the bartender looks up and says: "This isn't funny anymore!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3y89/putin_obama_and_trump_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Black Lives matter and Feminists are like the titanic

Once built proudly and heading for great things...
And then the fucking icebergs hit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3wpn/black_lives_matter_and_feminists_are_like_the/
%
Why was the gardener embarrassed?

He wet his plants in front of everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3udi/why_was_the_gardener_embarrassed/
%
I should've known my boyfriend was a communist.

There were plenty of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3tjt/i_shouldve_known_my_boyfriend_was_a_communist/
%
My parrot died today

It's last words were "Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3o99/my_parrot_died_today/
%
Bob is pulled over by the police. A bag of drugs is found in his pocket.

Cop: Sir, do you know it's illegal to have drugs in your possession?
Bob: I'm sorry officer, but it's not my fault. I've tried numerous times to get rid of the drugs, but every time I flush them down the toilet, they always reappear in my pocket.
Cop: Ha, very funny. *proceeds to place Bob under arrest*
Bob: No, I'm serious! Let me show you and if I'm lying, you can arrest me on the spot.
The cop gives in, and the two of them walk into a gas station bathroom. Bob flushes the drugs down the toilet. The cop then begins to search Bob's pockets, finding nothing.
Cop: What the hell?? I thought you said when you flush the drugs that they always reappear in your pocket?
Bob: Drugs? What drugs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3niz/bob_is_pulled_over_by_the_police_a_bag_of_drugs/
%
I just bought a boomerang from a poltergeist.

That'll come back to haunt me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3m5y/i_just_bought_a_boomerang_from_a_poltergeist/
%
How much space do you need for a fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3lzx/how_much_space_do_you_need_for_a_fungi_to_grow/
%
a fart walks out of a butt

underwear says "oh thank god, i thought you were someone else"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3li6/a_fart_walks_out_of_a_butt/
%
'The Golfing Woman and the Trapped Frog'

A Woman Was out golfing on**e** day When She hit the ball into the woods.
She Went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
Said the frog to her, "If you rel**e**ase me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog Said, "Thank you, I failed to mention purpose That There Was a requir**e**ment to your wishes.
What**e**ver you wish for, your husband will get times ten! "
The woman Said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be The Most b**e**autiful woman in the world.
The frog Warned her, "You do wish this Realize That will make your husband également The Most handsome man in the world, an Adonis Whom wom**e**n will flock to".
The woman Repli**e**d, "That's okay, Because I Will Be The Most Beautiful woman and he will-have eyes only for me."
So, she's KAZAM-The Most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she want**e**d to be the richest woman in the world.
Said the frog, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times rich**e**r than you."
The woman Said, "That's okay, B**e**cause what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the rich**e**st woman in the world!
Then the frog inquired about her third wish, and she Answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are cl**e**ver. Do not mess with 'em.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male r**e**aders: Please scroll down.
The man Had a heart attack ten times mild**e**r than His wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they 're really smart. Let them continue to think That Way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still r**e**ading this; it only goes to show That women never listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3lg6/the_golfing_woman_and_the_trapped_frog/
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as if he was sick, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3lde/at_sunday_school_they_were_teaching_how_god/
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Did you hear? They invented a new shovel!

It's ground breaking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3l17/did_you_hear_they_invented_a_new_shovel/
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How is a punchline like a starving African child?

If you spend too much time explaining why it's funny, it dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3k6h/how_is_a_punchline_like_a_starving_african_child/
%
Air Hostess with a tag.

Air Hostess had name tag on her chest, naming her Mia.
Guy: Beautiful name.
Air hostess: Thanks.
Guy: Didn't you name the other one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3k1n/air_hostess_with_a_tag/
%
A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."
The Mexican replied, "Scissors."
The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3jnh/a_mexican_attempts_to_pass_the_border/
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A sad day indeed

About a week ago I was walking my dog Fido through the park and a mentally disabled kid ran up to us. Immediately upon reaching my dog he started petting him. My dog is not a violent dog by any means but he was spooked and bit the kid. After this incident he ended up getting put down. It saddens me deeply but at least Fido is ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3jdh/a_sad_day_indeed/
%
What does smoking cure?

Pork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3g55/what_does_smoking_cure/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3g3i/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
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A cows tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3eq2/a_cows_tail/
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What's the difference between the Falcons and a dollar bill?

A dollar bill is good for 4 quarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z3by4/whats_the_difference_between_the_falcons_and_a/
%
A Roman man walks into a bar

He sticks up 2 fingers and the bartender gives him 5 beers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z388c/a_roman_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate their college graduation

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z2wut/three_women_go_down_to_mexico_one_night_to/
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Took my girlfriend to an apple orchard

we had sex against a tree and I came in cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z2vv6/took_my_girlfriend_to_an_apple_orchard/
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A rapist, a businessman and a Russian spy walk into a bar

The bartender says: "what may I get for you Mr. President?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z2qba/a_rapist_a_businessman_and_a_russian_spy_walk/
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Two blonds are doing 180mph on a highway.

A cop pulls them over, gets out, and as he walks towards the blondes's car he drops his pants. One blonde says to the other: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z2ohf/two_blonds_are_doing_180mph_on_a_highway/
%
If Hillary won the election she would have become the first F president.

I said F because someone deleted the emale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z2jtt/if_hillary_won_the_election_she_would_have_become/
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I hate porn videos all end in the same way.

With self-loathing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z2i73/i_hate_porn_videos_all_end_in_the_same_way/
%
Is Google male or female?

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z2hfg/is_google_male_or_female/
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My wife says our marriage is a clusterfuck...

We have sex a few nights in a row, then not again for 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z2hdn/my_wife_says_our_marriage_is_a_clusterfuck/
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A new store has opened up in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z2edy/a_new_store_has_opened_up_in_new_york_city_that/
%
Why is Dairy Queen always in a bad mood?

Because she's married to Mister Softee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z2dwk/why_is_dairy_queen_always_in_a_bad_mood/
%
Anyone else get the feeling thier being watched all the the time?

CIA: They're*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z28tl/anyone_else_get_the_feeling_thier_being_watched/
%
It was taking me so long to pick my nose...

That my impatient plastic surgeon suggested that I get a boob job instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z28ae/it_was_taking_me_so_long_to_pick_my_nose/
%
I told my boyfriend that he better start treating me like a princess

So he flew me to Paris, got me drunk, and drove me into a tunnel pillar at 105 km/h.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z27zj/i_told_my_boyfriend_that_he_better_start_treating/
%
One time i got really scared because i had been tripping on LSD for 20 days...

Then i looked at my calendar and realized it had only been for 1 hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z22a8/one_time_i_got_really_scared_because_i_had_been/
%
My son got sent home from school today..

My son got sent home from school today for letting a female student jack him off
Thats the third school this month.
I guess teaching might not be for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z21h6/my_son_got_sent_home_from_school_today/
%
While Playing uno with the family

I corrected them. I said, "in Trumps america, it's called 'one' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z20jx/while_playing_uno_with_the_family/
%
Why are cows so famous?

Because they're outstanding in their field.
(Probably been posted before but heard it for the first time today)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z20e1/why_are_cows_so_famous/
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[NSFW] My dick is like Anne Frank...

.... it's stowed away most of the time and only comes when German men are banging at my back door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1zen/nsfw_my_dick_is_like_anne_frank/
%
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?

Only 109 women went down on the Titanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1vwu/whats_the_difference_between_bill_clinton_and_the/
%
Drunk driver

A cop pulled over a man who kept swerving in and out of lanes for no apparent reason. The officer goes up to the man and requests that the man take a breathalyzer test.
"I can't do that, officer," the man replied, "I'm an asthmatic. If I take the test, I might have an asthma attack."
"That's alright," replies the officer, "we'll just get a urine sample..."
"I'm sorry, officer," the man says, "but I can't do that either. I'm a diabetic. If you take a urine sample, my blood sugar will fall dangerously low."
"Ok," says the officer, a bit peeved now, "let's just get a blood sample..."
"I'm really sorry again, officer," the man interjects, "but I can't do that. You see, I am unfortunately a hemophiliac. If you take this blood test, I might bleed out."
"FINE," says the officer, and mumbles something under his breath. "Just walk this white line..."
I'm sorry officer, I cant do that. You see—"
"WHAT THE HELL IS IT THIS TIME?! YOU CAN'T TAKE THE BREATHALYZER TEST, SURE. YOU CAN'T GIVE A URINE SAMPLE, FINE. YOU CAN'T GIVE A BLOOD SAMPLE, I GET THAT. BUT HOW THE HELL IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN FUCKING WALK THIS STRAIGHT LINE?"
"I'm drunk."
Disclaimer: I did not come up with this joke, I got it from a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1uea/drunk_driver/
%
thought I dreamt of a walk on a sandy beach

at least that explains the footprints I found in the cats litter box this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1t01/thought_i_dreamt_of_a_walk_on_a_sandy_beach/
%
Ever hear about the miner who wouldn't shut up?

He dug himself into a hole he couldn't get out of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1sqf/ever_hear_about_the_miner_who_wouldnt_shut_up/
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50 Bucks is 50 bucks!

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year Ken would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said,
'Edna, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied
"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!
Ken replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know,
"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1smg/50_bucks_is_50_bucks/
%
There was once a woman who had 100 children...

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told her mother afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep it from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name can be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1s6x/there_was_once_a_woman_who_had_100_children/
%
Why do French tanks have mirrors?

So they could see the battle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1s0m/why_do_french_tanks_have_mirrors/
%
I really like windmills

big fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1o4m/i_really_like_windmills/
%
Black people can be racist too

It's just that white people are much better at it like we are at everything else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1mfk/black_people_can_be_racist_too/
%
My girlfriend is just like a burning hot fire

You take away the oxygen and they're gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1m4c/my_girlfriend_is_just_like_a_burning_hot_fire/
%
What is the gender-neutral term for "sugar daddy?"

Glucose guardian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1ji5/what_is_the_genderneutral_term_for_sugar_daddy/
%
My wife's p***y is like the 8th wonder of the world.

A popular destination for tourists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1gub/my_wifes_py_is_like_the_8th_wonder_of_the_world/
%
A little boy and girl are arguing about the sexes

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1e75/a_little_boy_and_girl_are_arguing_about_the_sexes/
%
President Trump, the Pope, and the MSM Are on a Yacht...

Everyone was chatting when suddenly, the Pope's hat blew off into the wind, and landed right in the ocean! It was much too far off for anyone to reach, or retrieve.
Suddenly, President Trump raises his right hand and says, "_I got this. Believe me._" The Pope, and the Mainstream media look confused. President Trump calmly waltzes over to the edge of the yacht, and jumps! Everyone gasps, but a splash was not heard, rather a "_thump_"!
The Pope, and MSM scurried to see what had happened, and saw the President standing on water! Standing! It was like the water was a solid platform!
President Trump then walks leisurely to the hat, remaining perfectly collected -  walking on water - grabs the hat, and jumps, he _jumps_ right back onto the yacht. He smiles and hands the Pope his hat as if nothing had happened. The Pope is frozen in shock, and says "Oh my God!" Then faints into President Trump's arms.
The next day the headline of the New York Times said:
"_Pope is Shocked that President Trump Doesn't Know How to Swim!_"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z1a6j/president_trump_the_pope_and_the_msm_are_on_a/
%
A man goes into a pub and notices a big jar filled with $50 bills on the bar counter and gets curious

MAN: What is this jar thing, there must be hundreds of dollars in it ?
BARTENDER: We have a small game in our pub. Whoever completes three tasks correctly, wins the money in the jar.
MAN: What are the tasks then ?
BARTENDER: I can't tell you, you have to pay the $50 first.
Man gives the bartender a $50 bill
MAN: Now, what are the three tasks ?
BARTENDER: Well first, you have to finish a bottle of tequila in less than a minute and your face mustn't grin at all. Secondly, there is an angry Rottweiler with a toothache in the backyard. You have to remove this tooth with bare hands. And thirdly, my 90-year-old grandmother lives upstairs and she haven't had an orgasm in 50 years, and you have to make one to her.
MAN: Hell no, I ain't doing all that !
BARTENDER: As you wish ...
The man has a few beers and gets annoyed by the $50 he had lost. He starts to reconsider completing the three tasks, as there is a large cash prize. He goes to the bartender and asks "Where's the bottle of tequila ?" As he gets it, he drinks it empty with one swallow and asks for direction to the backyard, where the dog is. As the back door closes, a very loud noise rises. The man is yelling, the dog is barking, growling and whining... Suddenly, it's very silent. The customers in the bar are looking at each other horrified, thinking that the man is dead. Soon, the man opens the back door and enters the bar, with clothes all bloody and torn. He gasps for a moment and asks "Now where's the woman with a toothache ?! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z17x9/a_man_goes_into_a_pub_and_notices_a_big_jar/
%
NSFW: a man goes to his doctor

A very sexually active man goes to his doctor.
"Doctor, you have to help me. My penis is extremely swollen and discolored"
The doctor takes a look and tells the man an amputation is required. Horrified the man leaves and seeks a second opinion, then a third, then a fourth. Each time the same opinion.
Lost and desperate he seeks out a Chinese medicine man. The man takes a long look at the penis and says:"your penis does not need to be amputated, American doctors just want your money. Dick will fall off all by itself in a few weeks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z16pp/nsfw_a_man_goes_to_his_doctor/
%
What's the difference between pizza and my pizza jokes?

My pizza jokes can't be topped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z169c/whats_the_difference_between_pizza_and_my_pizza/
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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.

Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z14h0/little_johnny_is_always_being_teased_by_the_other/
%
If every day is a gift...

... then today is socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z13d1/if_every_day_is_a_gift/
%
A group of Scientists Removed the Right half brain of a man and ...

then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z12tk/a_group_of_scientists_removed_the_right_half/
%
How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up behind them
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way you catch a unique one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z11pf/how_do_you_catch_a_unique_rabbit/
%
I work IT and this ladies computer would not stop playing Rolling in the Deep

Asked her what brand her computer was and she said "a Dell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z0zfy/i_work_it_and_this_ladies_computer_would_not_stop/
%
Son: Hey Dad, theres some guy collecting for the old folks home at the door

Dad: Great! Give him Granny!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z0y01/son_hey_dad_theres_some_guy_collecting_for_the/
%
What's the difference between 5 dicks and a joke

Your mom can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z0vns/whats_the_difference_between_5_dicks_and_a_joke/
%
A policeman stops a car...

Cop: Do you know how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy: I'm sorry, i'm drunk as fuck.
Cop: That's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z0ufh/a_policeman_stops_a_car/
%
Why do riot police wake up early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z0pn7/why_do_riot_police_wake_up_early/
%
I know every single digit of pi!

I just don't have them in the right order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z0p3y/i_know_every_single_digit_of_pi/
%
An interviewer goes to an old town. [NSFW]

She stops an old man to ask some questions.
They exchange some how are you's and all and she starts to interview.
Woman : So, Mister Irons, what is your favourite memory of this town?
Old Man : One time, a woman in our town got lost. Every person in our town started a search for her. When we found her a couple hours later , we fucked her!
Woman quickly interrupts.
W: Ehm, Mister. Please tell me an another happy memory.
OM: So, one time, hot daughter of a neighbour got lost. Every person in town started a search for her. When we found her after a day , we all fucked her!
W: OKAY MISTER! Enough of happy memories. Tell us a sad one.
Old Man suddenly loses his smile and answers.
OM: One day...I got lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z0mej/an_interviewer_goes_to_an_old_town_nsfw/
%
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey

.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z0jug/there_was_this_man_who_walked_into_a_bar_and_says/
%
What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Lukewarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z0i4k/whats_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
%
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle

when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.
People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z0gue/a_helicopter_with_a_pilot_and_a_single_passenger/
%
I was out in the wild looking for lightnings and didn't know why I couldn't find any

and then it struck me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z0c3m/i_was_out_in_the_wild_looking_for_lightnings_and/
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Almost all the girls I check out give me their number...

To get the discount for their groceries of course

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z0at9/almost_all_the_girls_i_check_out_give_me_their/
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Boy: My mother's name is Laughing and my father's name is Smiling.

Teacher: You must be Kidding.
Boy: No, that's my sister's name, I'm Joking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z0anu/boy_my_mothers_name_is_laughing_and_my_fathers/
%
Where do astronauts go to drink?

The              bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z060f/where_do_astronauts_go_to_drink/
%
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, because changing a lightbulb is not that fucking hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z02d0/how_many_democrats_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What's the motto of the American Writers Guild?

YOU ESSAY! YOU ESSAY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z029c/whats_the_motto_of_the_american_writers_guild/
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What I if told you...

You that read wrong.
You read that wrong too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z020o/what_i_if_told_you/
%
A turkey was chatting with a bull....

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’ ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z01am/a_turkey_was_chatting_with_a_bull/
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I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging out with her friends

She said "Yes!"
I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z0141/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_shed_like_a_day_of/
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What did the Polygon say to the Circle when the Circle wanted to be more edgy?

Triangles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5z009m/what_did_the_polygon_say_to_the_circle_when_the/
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Our President Trump is naturally gifted!

There are not many people who can talk and shit through the same hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yzwlv/our_president_trump_is_naturally_gifted/
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If you had a wooden car with a wooden engine and wooden tires

It woodent work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yzw8n/if_you_had_a_wooden_car_with_a_wooden_engine_and/
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A German, a Hungarian and an Italian are captured by the Soviets on the Eastern Front...

The three men were held together in a tiny prison cell to await their fate. On the first day the guard came in and called to the German, "Come with me German, let's see what you know."
An hour later the German came back all bruised up. "They tortured me into telling them what I knew about the attack! I tried my best to not talk but they started knocking out my teeth!"
The guard came back in and called for the Hungarian. "Come you, let's see what you know."
The Hungarian didn't come back for *four* hours and when he returned he had been beaten to a pulp. He told them, "I tried to hold out but they started breaking my ribs and I couldn't hold out any longer."
"Alright, now you," the guard called to the Italian.
The Italian didn't return for three days and he was barely alive when he got back. "Why didn't you just talk?" asked the German and the Hungarian.
"I tried to, I wanted to talk right away but they tied my hands!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yzr47/a_german_a_hungarian_and_an_italian_are_captured/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yzn3d/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
Where do fish keep their money?

In the river bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yzmji/where_do_fish_keep_their_money/
%
How does a dentist become a brain surgeon?

His drill slips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yzeh5/how_does_a_dentist_become_a_brain_surgeon/
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I wish I had Trump as a teacher.

Citations would be easy
"You know it, I know it, everyone knows it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yzdkv/i_wish_i_had_trump_as_a_teacher/
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Why are there 32 letters in a pirates alphabet?

To account for the seven C's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yzcuw/why_are_there_32_letters_in_a_pirates_alphabet/
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How did I escape Iraq?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yzboa/how_did_i_escape_iraq/
%
Having depression is a lot like winning the lottery!

I'm heavily taxed and don't want to tell my family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yz7vq/having_depression_is_a_lot_like_winning_the/
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A man was riding on his Harley...

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
And then God said,
"How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yz3t7/a_man_was_riding_on_his_harley/
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Why did Billie Joe Armstrong smell so nice whilst walking down the Boulevard of Broken Dreams?

He wore cologne, he wore cologne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yz2a8/why_did_billie_joe_armstrong_smell_so_nice_whilst/
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A Smart Blonde, Big Foot and Santa Claus Jump From A Building. Who reaches the ground first?

No one, none of them exists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yz254/a_smart_blonde_big_foot_and_santa_claus_jump_from/
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Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher ?

There was no chemistry ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yz1dx/why_did_the_physics_teacher_break_up_with_the/
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Guy runs into a bar in a panic. "Does anybody here own a six-foot penguin?"

Guy runs into a bar in a panic. "Does anybody here own a six-foot  penguin?" he asks. Everybody shakes their heads no. "Well shit!" says  the guy, "I think I just ran over a nun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yz0lx/guy_runs_into_a_bar_in_a_panic_does_anybody_here/
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Sex is like bungee jumping

I've never done either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yywqi/sex_is_like_bungee_jumping/
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A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.
Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyvzi/a_boy_was_bagging_groceries_at_a_supermarket/
%
My friend is obsessed with Navy destroyers

He warships them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyuww/my_friend_is_obsessed_with_navy_destroyers/
%
My doctor informed me that they've found life on other planets...

He says there are worms living in Uranus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyr3d/my_doctor_informed_me_that_theyve_found_life_on/
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks: 'Why the long face?''

The horse, incapable of human speech, shits on the floor and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyp70/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_asks_why/
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A blind man had to shoot his dog...

To this day, he still misses him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyog8/a_blind_man_had_to_shoot_his_dog/
%
A joke about procrastination

I'll post it later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yymo3/a_joke_about_procrastination/
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I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But I can stop whenever I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyljv/im_addicted_to_drinking_brake_fluid/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it, we're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yykgz/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
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What does the smart restaurant do when a customer can't pay for their meal?

Make them wait for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyjxt/what_does_the_smart_restaurant_do_when_a_customer/
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My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyj0v/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
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Pearly Gates Duty

It was time for St Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteered to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.
"It's no big deal," St Peter explained. "Just sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then, send them to housekeeping to pick up their wings."
On the third day, Jesus looked up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him. He asked the old man to tell him something about himself.
"I'm a simple carpenter," said the old man. "And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in the world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story."
By this time, Jesus was standing with his arms outstretched. There were tears in his eyes, as he embraced the old man. "Father," he cried. "It's been so long."
The old man squinted, removed his glasses, stares blankly for a moment while he wiped the glasses, returned the glasses to his head, looked at Jesus again and said,
"Pinocchio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyj0u/pearly_gates_duty/
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Interviewing a farmer

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyi4y/interviewing_a_farmer/
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One atom says to another atom

"Dude! I lost all my valence electrons!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyi4w/one_atom_says_to_another_atom/
%
I've been to the year 3000...

Nothing much has changed but Article 50 still hasn't been triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyhg3/ive_been_to_the_year_3000/
%
Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyg34/made_love_to_my_girlfriend_for_an_hour_and_15/
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How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyg1l/how_do_you_make_a_tissue_dance/
%
I'm trying to think of a good cocaine joke

It just needs to be one good line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyauv/im_trying_to_think_of_a_good_cocaine_joke/
%
What do you call an islamophobic charity organization?

A non-prophet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yyaga/what_do_you_call_an_islamophobic_charity/
%
How do cows pay for things?

With MOO-Lah
(if too corny just shiv me fam)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yy9yx/how_do_cows_pay_for_things/
%
A brunette confides to her blonde friend ...

"Please don't tell anyone, but I'm deathly afraid of bees."
The blonde says, "Don't worry, I won't say a word. To be honest, the entire alphabet scares the hell out of me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yy8p5/a_brunette_confides_to_her_blonde_friend/
%
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend,

Bill remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist wud smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and top off that with abundant mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat.
Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said "man did u have a 69 before u came here?"
Bill, shocked says "does my breath smell like pussy?"
The dentist says "no ur forehead smells like ass!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yy7tp/after_an_amazing_69_with_his_girlfriend/
%
50% of essays

Is the letter 's'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yy7rt/50_of_essays/
%
Argon walks into a bar,

The bartender says: "hey! I don't serve noble gases"
Argon doesn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yy7id/argon_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A dinosaur goes to a supermarket

A dinosaur goes to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. He gets to the register and the worker scans all his items. When all the scanning is done, and the dinosaur has to pay, the worker asks:
'So how are you paying today?'
The dinosaur replies:
'With tyrannosaurus checks.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yy4nw/a_dinosaur_goes_to_a_supermarket/
%
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door...

The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yy3v2/a_man_and_his_wife_are_awakened_at_3_oclock_in/
%
Rudolph

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve
They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it’s raining," says the man.
"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yy2vb/rudolph/
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Savage Grandpa.

Grandson: "Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"
Grandpa: "So you can all be really sad when I die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yy2ub/savage_grandpa/
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You know you're ISIS if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
You destroy world heritage but believe we should plant trees.
You have more wives than teeth.
You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxzud/you_know_youre_isis_if/
%
Whatcha call someone who gets sick in an airport?

Terminally ill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxx5k/whatcha_call_someone_who_gets_sick_in_an_airport/
%
One day, a kid ran home to his parents to tell him something bad that happened in school...

The kid told his dad "a kid called me bastard at school!" His dad replied, "Don't worry, bastard means boy, like bitches means girl." Later, he walked into his parent's bathroom, where his mom was doing her hair and she dropped the curler, and yelled "Shit!"  The kid asked, "Mom, what does shit mean?" The mom quickly replied, "Oh don't worry son, shit means to curl." The kid went back downstairs and saw his dad cut himself while slicing a chicken, and he yelled "Fuck!". The kid then asked, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" His dad quickly responded, "Oh don't worry, fuck means to prepare." The kid thought nothing of it and went up to do his homework. An hour later, many of the kid's relatives came for a family dinner. He opened the door and greeted them, saying "Hello bastards and bitches! Please wait here a moment, my dad is fucking the chicken and my mom is shitting her hair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxvl3/one_day_a_kid_ran_home_to_his_parents_to_tell_him/
%
Recent study shows that 1 in 3 liberals...

are just as stupid as the other two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxtkx/recent_study_shows_that_1_in_3_liberals/
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If women with big boobs work at hooters, where do women with 1 leg work at?

IHOP
Changes the whole tipping your waitress thing!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxsyw/if_women_with_big_boobs_work_at_hooters_where_do/
%
Why were the star wars movies released 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8

In charge of planning Yoda was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxpx1/why_were_the_star_wars_movies_released_45612378/
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25th wedding anniversary

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.
As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxmw4/25th_wedding_anniversary/
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[NSFW] A child asked his father "what does political corruption mean?"

The father answered "see.. It's not easy to understand it at your age but I can give you an anology. I spend money on this family so let's call me capitalism. Your mother governs the affairs of the house and takes care of you and your little sister, so we will call her the government. You are under your mom's responsibility so we call you the people while your little sister is our hope so we consider her to be the future. Finally, the maid that is working in the house between cleaning and cooking we call her the working class.
Now, go think about it, and you shall understand."
Later at night the boy could not sleep from his little sister's crying as she needed her diaper changed. So he got up and went to tell his mom, but found submerged in a deep sleep and did not wake up when he tried to wake her up. Then he noticed his dad was not in bed next to her!
He went looking for his dad around the house when he  heard the whispers and laughters in the maid's room, he peeked through the key hole and saw his dad engaged with the maid.
The next day the boy told his father that he now understands the meaning of political corruption.
He explained "While capitalism is playing with the working class and the government is asleep, the people become worried and neglected as the future swims in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxmnx/nsfw_a_child_asked_his_father_what_does_political/
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A boy is born without a body

and miraculously survives. Even though he has no body parts below the neck he manages to make it through high school and on his 18th birthday his father takes him out for his first drink.
The boy drinks his first beer and instantly grows a torso. In utter shock, the father quickly asks the bartender for another beer. The bartender reluctantly pours the boy another drink. After chugging it, the boy suddenly sprouts a left arm.
Very eager and excited, the father orders another drink. The bartender stated that 2 is enough for a boy's first time and that he shouldn't go overboard. The father is furious at the remark and demands that he give his son another round. After a big sigh, the bartender hands the boy another beer. In a matter of seconds, the boy downs the bottle and grows a right arm.
The entire bar is enraptured at this point and begin chanting for one more beer. The bartender flat out refuses. In a storm of frustration and excitement, the father jumps the counter and steals a bottle of whiskey. The boy drinks the bottle dry and instantly grows two legs. On his newly gained legs the boy stumbles out of the bar into the street and is hit by a truck, killed on impact.
The entire bar is in silence.
"Well," says the bartender, "I guess he should have quit while he was still ahead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxklh/a_boy_is_born_without_a_body/
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Nobody knows how a Wookiee taste.

Rumor has it that at least one is Chewie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxjxm/nobody_knows_how_a_wookiee_taste/
%
I just made love for over 1hr straight

1 hour and 22 seconds is my new record.
Thanks daylight savings time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxjik/i_just_made_love_for_over_1hr_straight/
%
why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxiwb/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_baby/
%
White House call the Washington Police. "There's a crazy man in the White House and we don't know how he got here!"

The police operator responds, "yeah, we know;  we've been wondering about that ourselves ever since the election."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxf89/white_house_call_the_washington_police_theres_a/
%
A priest, a bishop, and an altar boy are out fishing...

A priest, a bishop, and an altar boy are out fishing on a lake. While they're relaxing and shooting the breeze, the priest accidentally drops his fishing pole into the water.
"No worries," says the priest. "I've got this."
He climbs out of the boat, steps onto the lake surface, and walks across the water to retrieve it.
The altar boy looks on in amazement: So much is the priest's faith that he can walk on water!
They fish for a while longer, then decide to break for lunch. As the bishop reaches into his bag, the boat is suddenly jostled and the bag splashes off the side.
"This won't take a moment," says the bishop. He steps off the side of the boat, walks across the water's surface to fetch the bag, and walks straight back.
The altar boy cannot believe it. Twice in one day he has experienced a miracle! By virtue of their faith alone, the priest and the bishop were able to do what should be impossible!
At this point, the altar boy is filled with religious zeal. In the face of such miracles, his own faith is overflowing. He grabs the tackle box, throws it overboard, and jumps over the side of the boat and drowns.
The priest leans over to the bishop and asks, "Think we should've told him about the rocks?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxepy/a_priest_a_bishop_and_an_altar_boy_are_out_fishing/
%
A black guy and a gypsy are in a car who is driving?

The cop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yxabp/a_black_guy_and_a_gypsy_are_in_a_car_who_is/
%
I just found out Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars.

Idiots...they should have just downloaded it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yx8e5/i_just_found_out_microsoft_bought_skype_for_85/
%
I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yx8by/i_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_chef_for_stealing/
%
I should probably take up growing fruit trees

Because people keep telling me I should grow a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yx7pv/i_should_probably_take_up_growing_fruit_trees/
%
An overweight guy was watching TV.

A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yx753/an_overweight_guy_was_watching_tv/
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Why are hockey games better than women?

Their periods only last 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yx6k7/why_are_hockey_games_better_than_women/
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Why do WWII nazis like pets so much?

Because they're veteran Aryans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yx6jw/why_do_wwii_nazis_like_pets_so_much/
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Why was the mermaid wearing seashells?

Because she grew out of her b shells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yx3qx/why_was_the_mermaid_wearing_seashells/
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My girlfriend said my penis reminds her of a motorcycle.

I asked if it was because it was fun to ride?
But she said "No honey,  its because its a two-stroke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yx3mh/my_girlfriend_said_my_penis_reminds_her_of_a/
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I saw a woman yelling at a man who was shooting a flame thrower at her house.

I don't know what happened, I just heard him say "it sounds to me like you should have called a water truck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywzaz/i_saw_a_woman_yelling_at_a_man_who_was_shooting_a/
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People say i shouldn't start driving because im blind.

I can't see the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywymk/people_say_i_shouldnt_start_driving_because_im/
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A gay man calls his boyfriend from work...

And tells him to put his dick in the snow, his boyfriend asks why and he answers "I want a cold one for after work"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywxt2/a_gay_man_calls_his_boyfriend_from_work/
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What is 6.9?

A great thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywx40/what_is_69/
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Why are black jokes and mexican jokes the same?

Because once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywwt9/why_are_black_jokes_and_mexican_jokes_the_same/
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The Scottish Painter

There was a Scottish painter named Jack who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a little bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywuvk/the_scottish_painter/
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I once knew a Muslim kid that was notoriously late for everything.

I called him 9/12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywtb5/i_once_knew_a_muslim_kid_that_was_notoriously/
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My friend said to me what rhymes with orange

No. It doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywqcd/my_friend_said_to_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
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Two nuns are riding back to the church when one decides to take a shortcut.

The way that they turn down is an old cobblestone road. As they traverse the uneven surface that is rattling their teeth out, the one nun asked the other, have you come this way before? Of course! why do you think I come down here...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywqad/two_nuns_are_riding_back_to_the_church_when_one/
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Two nudist socialists are sitting on a porch.

The first one asks, "Have you read Marx?"
The second one replies, "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywp2p/two_nudist_socialists_are_sitting_on_a_porch/
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What do you call a stupid lumberjack?

An Axymoron!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywo0c/what_do_you_call_a_stupid_lumberjack/
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I joined a loneliness therapy group...

No one showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywliv/i_joined_a_loneliness_therapy_group/
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What did one doctor say to to other who was taking too long in the operating room?

"Would you hurry it up, I am losing my patients!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywl9o/what_did_one_doctor_say_to_to_other_who_was/
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Why did the Mexican failed his English class?

He wouldn't turn in his essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywib1/why_did_the_mexican_failed_his_english_class/
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Group projects

When I die I want my group members to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ywcm6/group_projects/
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Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee?

Because he drank it way before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yw9yu/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth_on_his_coffee/
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What do you call a robotic emo that likes dark humor.

Cutting edge technology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yw9f6/what_do_you_call_a_robotic_emo_that_likes_dark/
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When I die, I want my body to be donated to science

More specifically, a scientist who's working on bringing dead people back to life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yw8j0/when_i_die_i_want_my_body_to_be_donated_to_science/
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The tale of three cities

There were once three cities. City A was flourishing, with a strong toyal guard and booming economies. City B wasn't as prosperous as City A, but they got along fine. City C, however, was doing terribly, with only an old knight well past his prime and his trusty squire as their defence.
Then, there came a day where both City A and B made an alliance to attack City C. City A sent 5,000 knights and squires while City B sent 1,000 knights and squires. However, City C only sent their old knight and squire.
The day before the fight, the knights and squires of City A and B celebrated their near-certain victory with beer and gin. The old knight and squire, however, had a simpler meal. The squire took a pot and tied it to a high branch with a noose, where they enjoyed a humble stew.
The next day rolled around, where the knights and squires of both cities were rather tipsy. With the old knight being too old to fight, the squire, with a bit of luck, managed to defeat all the other squires of the two cities.
What does this amazing tale tell us? It simply tells us the the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the squires of the two sides.
(Read it aloud and fast and you'll see what I mean.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yw8cw/the_tale_of_three_cities/
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Eggs and bacon

A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime's commitment for a pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yw8c6/eggs_and_bacon/
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Told the wife I was looking online for flights

She was absolutely delighted!
How bizzare! She's never mentioned her interest in darts before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yw7y5/told_the_wife_i_was_looking_online_for_flights/
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Whats the only type of Doctor most American's can afford?

Dr.Pepper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yw4c2/whats_the_only_type_of_doctor_most_americans_can/
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My first girlfriend gave me a picture she drew with the words "you're my angle."

It might have just been because she was dyslexic but I thought it was acute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yw2yn/my_first_girlfriend_gave_me_a_picture_she_drew/
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A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for a while, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, “Of course we’ll have some soon. We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drew the clerk aside. “Never,” he snarled, “Never, never, never say we’re out of anything- say we’ve got it on order and it’s coming. Now, what was it she wanted anyway?” The clerk said, “Rain!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yw02d/a_store_manager_heard_his_clerk_tell_a_customer/
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The first dog in space died due to stress.

Must have been from all of the vacuums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvxwv/the_first_dog_in_space_died_due_to_stress/
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What does it mean when a man looks deep into your eyes?

it means that you are flat chested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvvfm/what_does_it_mean_when_a_man_looks_deep_into_your/
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So a guy and his frog walk into a bar.

And he has a few to many drinks by himself and the bartender begins to worry. The man asked for another pint.
"I think you've had a few to many," the bartender responds.
He replies in a drunken tone, "I'm a traveling showman, and I have a million dollar act. If I show it to you, can I have another drink?"
"Sure, I suppose."
The drunk pulls out a frog and a tiny piano and bench, and the frog begins to play a lovely little tune.
"That's amazing! Have one on the house!"
The showman gulps down the liquid and looks back to the barkeep.
"If I show you another act, will you give me another?"
"Gladly!"
So the man pulls out a spall mouse, who gets up on its hind legs and begins to sing along with perfect tone.
"That's ridiculous! I love it"
A well dressed man stands up from a nearby booth.  "I love your act, but I'm a showman myself and would like to own it. How does that sound? A million for the whole lot."
The drunkard looks up. "Not for sale."
"How about a million for the piano playing amphibian?"
"Not for sale."
"How about the same for the rodent?"
"Sure thing."
The rich performer hands over a check and jauntily saunters out of the bar with his new act.
"The barkeep is stunned. "Why did you do that? You just sold off what could have made you millions more than that! You're insane!"
"On the contrary - the frog is a ventriloquist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvupy/so_a_guy_and_his_frog_walk_into_a_bar/
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What kind of cheese is made backwards?

Edam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvu8d/what_kind_of_cheese_is_made_backwards/
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Did you hear about the car mechanic who was in a brief relationship and then left?

There was an article in the newspaper.
MECHANIC NUTS AND BOLTS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvsy3/did_you_hear_about_the_car_mechanic_who_was_in_a/
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Why when theyre arrested do women only spend a month in jail?

Because a period marks the end of a sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvsvi/why_when_theyre_arrested_do_women_only_spend_a/
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Read this.. It will put smile on your face * GUARANTEED *

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvqyd/read_this_it_will_put_smile_on_your_face/
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I started stealing cutlery from my cooking classes

It was a whisk I was willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvpum/i_started_stealing_cutlery_from_my_cooking_classes/
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My psychiatrist says I have an unhelathy preoccupation with revenge.

He's sooooo gonna regret saying that at my next appointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvp9d/my_psychiatrist_says_i_have_an_unhelathy/
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Why Do You Get Paid More At The Sperm Bank Than At The Blood Bank?

Sperm Is Handmade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvldl/why_do_you_get_paid_more_at_the_sperm_bank_than/
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I was such an ugly baby...

My Mom was pushing me in a pram one day and was so upset with folk's reaction to her ugly baby.  She sat down on a park bench and the tears began to flow.  A kindly stranger noticed her tearfully rocking the pram and decided to do a good deed.  He bought a large ice cream and handed it to her.  'Listen, dear,' he said, 'I know you have problems, you don't have to tell me what they are, but hopefully this will cheer you up.'  My Mom smiled through her tears and accepted the ice cream.  The kind stranger returned the smile then held out his other hand and said, 'And here is a bag of nuts for the monkey!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvlbd/i_was_such_an_ugly_baby/
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My friend works at a recycling centre crushing soft drink cans all day

It's soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvklf/my_friend_works_at_a_recycling_centre_crushing/
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I like my men like I like my coffee

I don't like coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvkay/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvhz8/why_did_the_console_player_cross_the_road/
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If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvgxc/if_my_grandmother_knew_how_much_money_i_spent_on/
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Why aren't there any fat girls on the boxes of girl scout cookies?

Because good drug dealers don't use their own product.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yve17/why_arent_there_any_fat_girls_on_the_boxes_of/
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It was so cold outside...

I saw a gangster pulling up their trousers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yvdn5/it_was_so_cold_outside/
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What's the Republican version of a libtard?

A retard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yv7vm/whats_the_republican_version_of_a_libtard/
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Young newlywed couple needs some cash

They decide to let the wife work on the street
So the man drops the wife off at the corner and leaves
The wife got tired and called the man to come get her
The man comes and picks up the woman and he asked her "So, how much did you make"
She says "I made 200 dollars and 50 cent"
Outraged the man exclaimed "What dickhead gave you 50 cents!"
The wife calml y replies "Every single one of them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yv3os/young_newlywed_couple_needs_some_cash/
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LPT: If you want to treat a girl like a princess, take her out for dinner or play with her hair (simple things can make anyone's day).

Alternatively you could pick her up in a Mercedes and crash into a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yuz36/lpt_if_you_want_to_treat_a_girl_like_a_princess/
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I used to think that I was good at cheesy puns

But now I'm nacho sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yuxyk/i_used_to_think_that_i_was_good_at_cheesy_puns/
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Doctor: I'm sorry to tell you this but you have AIDS

Patient: Well I want a 2nd opinion.
Doctor: Ok sure, you're ugly as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yuwpw/doctor_im_sorry_to_tell_you_this_but_you_have_aids/
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A guy walks into a Pet Shop.

He says he is looking for the best pet, a "companion".
The seller says "I have a parrot, a very smart one, he speaks in English, Spanish and German, and he knows some physics and mechanics"
The client, surprised, asks for the price, the seller says 500 USD.
The client, still hyped for the parrot, asks for the one that's next to the first one.
-"Oh, this one speaks in Japanese, Chinese, Russian, and English, he has a doctorate in philosophy, biologist and linguist"
The client, still surprised asks for the price.
-"He is 700 USD"
-"Man that parrot is cool.... What about that one? The one that is in the corner?"
-"Well, that one costs 2.000 USD"
-"My god! What does he do or what are his skills?"
-"Uh, nothing really"
-"Seriously? Does he even speaks or anything?"
-"Not at all, he just eats and sleeps"
-"And why does it cost that much?"
-"The other two parrots call him boss"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yuw58/a_guy_walks_into_a_pet_shop/
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Does anyone know how to avoid click bait?

Apparently not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yuvo0/does_anyone_know_how_to_avoid_click_bait/
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.
What do you call a fish with four eyes?
NEEEERRRRD!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yusd5/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
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I think my math teacher works for the CIA...

He always wants to put radicals in isolation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yup1r/i_think_my_math_teacher_works_for_the_cia/
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Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together....

...but only one of them knows about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yunfg/stalking_is_when_two_people_go_for_a_long/
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What's a straight-A student's favorite type of sushi?

The Honor Roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yun2g/whats_a_straighta_students_favorite_type_of_sushi/
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I finally got an A on my essay!

Only 1999 more words to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yum44/i_finally_got_an_a_on_my_essay/
%
The Beatles all walk into an orange underwater vehicle

Oops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yuks0/the_beatles_all_walk_into_an_orange_underwater/
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When women wear a bikini, they expose 90% of their bodies.....

Men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yukny/when_women_wear_a_bikini_they_expose_90_of_their/
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I posted ten puns to /r/Jokes to see if any could make it to the front page

No pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yufnf/i_posted_ten_puns_to_rjokes_to_see_if_any_could/
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Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yue4u/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_who_died/
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I'm a bartender and part-time therapist.

There are far too many depressed alcoholics in my town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yudhg/im_a_bartender_and_parttime_therapist/
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I reversed into someone during my driving test.

He probably would have survived if he was in a car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yuctq/i_reversed_into_someone_during_my_driving_test/
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The Tale of Two Cheerios

One day, a lone cheerio goes to a party and finds a pretty female cheerio. He says to her "Hey there, beautiful. Would you like to go out with me?" The female cheerio says "Sorry, but I only date frosted cheerios." The male cheerio then goes home and looks to see how much money he has to get himself frosted. He only has enough money to get himself halfway frosted, so he goes and does just that. He goes to another party that the female cheerio just so happens to be at. "Hey there, beautiful. Would you like to go on a date with me?" he says to the female cheerio. She replies "Sorry, but I only date fully frosted cheerios." The male cheerio goes home for the night, and the next morning, asks for a raise at work. They give him the raise, and after a week, he has enough money to be fully frosted. He goes to another party that the female cheerio happens to be at. He says "Hey there beautiful, would you like to go out with me?" The female cheerio replies "Wow, you are a very handsome man. Of course I would go out with you. But first, could you get me some water?" The male cheerio then looks for a line for the water jug but can't find one. He returns to the female cheerio and says "There is no water line." She then asks him "could you get me some milk?" The male cheerio then looks for a line for the milk jug but can't find one. He returns to the female cheerio and says "There is no milk line." She then asks him "Could you get me some punch?" The male cheerio then looks for the line for the punch bowl but can't find one. He returns to the female cheerio and says "Sorry, but there is no punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yubto/the_tale_of_two_cheerios/
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I feel the same way about slaves as I do shirts with flame patterns on them

I don't want to be friends with anyone who owns either of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yu8vc/i_feel_the_same_way_about_slaves_as_i_do_shirts/
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I once fell down 2 flights of stairs and hit my head

I quickly realized it was a dream when I woke up safely in my hospital bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yu7si/i_once_fell_down_2_flights_of_stairs_and_hit_my/
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Why did the pianist go to jail?

Because he tapped *A Minor*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yu6kv/why_did_the_pianist_go_to_jail/
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What did Martin Luther King say to his wife while proposing?

Will you be my Martin Luther Queen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yu4dc/what_did_martin_luther_king_say_to_his_wife_while/
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A Russian and an Irish wrestler

were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each otherseveral times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yu3xg/a_russian_and_an_irish_wrestler/
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Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who swallowed a Glock 18?

He calls it his inner piece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yu2mr/did_you_hear_about_the_buddhist_monk_who/
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At a job interview, the boss asked me, "What is your greatest weakness?"

I glanced down at my wheelchair and said, "Surely you must be joking."
"Not at all," he replied.
"Alright then- underage fanny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yu1q6/at_a_job_interview_the_boss_asked_me_what_is_your/
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My friend told me a chemistry joke

"Do you know any chemistry jokes?
I do but they're all boron."
I have to say, I slapped my neon that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yu00t/my_friend_told_me_a_chemistry_joke/
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Why is it so hard to be banned from a console subreddit?

They don't have any mods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytzj3/why_is_it_so_hard_to_be_banned_from_a_console/
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Why do black people not like Classical music?

Because they have to sit in the Bach of the concert hall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytyxd/why_do_black_people_not_like_classical_music/
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An old man is being interviewed on live TV

-Hello everybody. We are with Michael, who is 97 years old. Michael, tell us, what's your secret?
-During the war, I sucked off a Nazi soldier in exchange for food.
-...I meant about your age.
-Ah... Eating healthy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytwxk/an_old_man_is_being_interviewed_on_live_tv/
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I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."
"Not that," she explained, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytwfv/i_was_watching_porn_with_the_missus_and_she/
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The Oven

Two muffins are baking in an oven.
The first muffin turns to the second muffin and says:  "Boy, it sure is hot in here."
The second muffin says: "Wow!  A talking muffin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytw3o/the_oven/
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What does toilet paper and the starship enterprise have in common?

They both hover over Uranus looking for clingons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yttbw/what_does_toilet_paper_and_the_starship/
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You're heard of manspreading, but have you ever heard of womanspreading?

It's when a car takes up 2 parking spaces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytt6r/youre_heard_of_manspreading_but_have_you_ever/
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People say I have trust issues...

I don't believe them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytt1h/people_say_i_have_trust_issues/
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Pi is very important .....

Without it our opinions would just be onions. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytsi5/pi_is_very_important/
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The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.”

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn’t seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!).
Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, “Oh, crap,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytsek/the_other_night_i_was_invited_out_for_a_night/
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A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg....

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytrmp/a_priest_offered_a_nun_a_lift_she_got_in_and/
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What's the last thing that went through a bugs mind before it hits the windshield?

Its ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytpgz/whats_the_last_thing_that_went_through_a_bugs/
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A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytlp7/a_guy_walks_in_to_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
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A conversation between a forgetful mathematician and a blonde

Mathematician: "Excuse me, I seem to have forgotten the value for the sine function. Do you know what it is?"
Blonde: Ah???
Mathematician: No, not that, that's for cosine.
Blonde: Oh...
Mathematician: That's it! Thank you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytj2h/a_conversation_between_a_forgetful_mathematician/
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In the 1700's it was common to ring a bell to gather trooos for battle.

Bell maker John Pass was once commissioned to cast a new "clapper" (the swinging part inside the bell) for the town bell.
John had heard through the grapevine that the men of his town would soon be called upon to fight a battle in a neighboring state.
As a retired military strategist, he couldn't help but feel that they didn't have the numbers to stand a chance against their adversary. He told the general of his feelings, who laughed and refused to acknowledge John's military expertise. So John refused to cast a new clapper for the bell.
As a result, the soldiers couldn't be alerted quickly enough. They had to be rounded up by word of mouth which caused massive delays.
By the time they arrived their foe had moved on, but judging by size of the camp they left behind, they were clearly outnumbered by at least 10 to 1.
It would have been a complete massacre if they had arrived on time. John's actions saved the lives of humdreds of men, and although it was an act of insubordination, his efforts were eventually recognized.
He was awarded the no bell piece prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytj17/in_the_1700s_it_was_common_to_ring_a_bell_to/
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What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytg1i/whats_the_worst_trick_you_can_do_to_your_blind/
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I dont drink anymore...

I don't drink any less either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytf9y/i_dont_drink_anymore/
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Knock Knock Joke

- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Daisy
- Daisy who?
- Daisy me rolling, they hatin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytd1w/knock_knock_joke/
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This awesome new TV automatically set subtitles to Italian for my Italian girlfriend

I guess the CIA picked up on her hand gestures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ytc0n/this_awesome_new_tv_automatically_set_subtitles/
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What did the male digital signal ask a female digital signal?

Do you do ANALog?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yt5wk/what_did_the_male_digital_signal_ask_a_female/
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A Muslim walks into the U.S..

Just kidding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yt3yt/a_muslim_walks_into_the_us/
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I was on a date last night, as I sat at my table, forking my food awaiting my date to arrive, I realized they had stood me up, and I had to foot the bill. Long story short......

Don't ever date a leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yt1uu/i_was_on_a_date_last_night_as_i_sat_at_my_table/
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I sent 10 puns to the world best pun contest...

...hoping at least one of them would win.
Well,no pun in-ten-did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yt0dg/i_sent_10_puns_to_the_world_best_pun_contest/
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Three blondes found some tracks...

The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"
The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"
And that was when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ysy1y/three_blondes_found_some_tracks/
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Being a pornstar is the worst profession.

You're always working your ass off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ysxva/being_a_pornstar_is_the_worst_profession/
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Have you guys heard of Murphy's law? It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Have you ever heard of Cole's law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ysxpf/have_you_guys_heard_of_murphys_law_it_states_that/
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Bunch of scumbags stole 20 crates of Red Bull from my local store...

I don't know how those bastards sleep at night...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ystoq/bunch_of_scumbags_stole_20_crates_of_red_bull/
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I once went to a modeling contest...

Not only did I get dead last, but I also received 508 get well soon cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yssp6/i_once_went_to_a_modeling_contest/
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What did Russell Crowe say when he went down on his girlfriend?

I don't know, but he was Gladiator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yssj9/what_did_russell_crowe_say_when_he_went_down_on/
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God: "I've created you in my image." Oh Wait...

"The foreskin was a mistake. Cut that shit off immediately."
~ Brian C Carroll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ysqlo/god_ive_created_you_in_my_image_oh_wait/
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A young man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Jagermeister ...

"6 shots?!?" the bartender says, "Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob," the young man says.
"Well, hell, in that case, let me give you a 7th shot on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ysqgz/a_young_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_6_shots/
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My friend threw a can of coke at my head today...

Luckily it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yska5/my_friend_threw_a_can_of_coke_at_my_head_today/
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Bumped into my ex today...

Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ysjyi/bumped_into_my_ex_today/
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Hitler died in 1945, Donald Trump was born in 1946...

Coincidence? No.
Mystery? Maybe.
Hotel? Trivago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yshsf/hitler_died_in_1945_donald_trump_was_born_in_1946/
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How can we get Republicans to care about climate change?

Blame it on the poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yshaz/how_can_we_get_republicans_to_care_about_climate/
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i before e except after a c they said

Then society came along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ysfio/i_before_e_except_after_a_c_they_said/
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I was told I was a schizophrenic...

Me and the voices in my head disagreed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yse2c/i_was_told_i_was_a_schizophrenic/
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ysdde/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
Control freak.
Contr-
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY "CONTROL FREAK WHO"!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ysb2m/knock_knock/
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Sir John and Chung Lee walking in front of the Buckingham palace

Chung Lee says: "When I see all these flags, my heart fills  with joy!"
Sir John:"But you are a Chinese national only visiting the United Kingdom, how so?"
Chung Lee:"Did you ever read the labels on the flags?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ys955/sir_john_and_chung_lee_walking_in_front_of_the/
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Job Interview

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me".
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$200 and it's yours".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ys75l/job_interview/
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Kleptomaniacs

...always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ys75e/kleptomaniacs/
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What do you call a moving nun?

A Roman Catholic
source: LaffyTaffy wrapper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ys2yb/what_do_you_call_a_moving_nun/
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Andy's mom had her own toys…

…named Buzz and Woody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ys1en/andys_mom_had_her_own_toys/
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500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?
A. 499
Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.
Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A. Open refrigerator, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close refrigerator.
Q. It's the lions birthday and he invites everyone in the jungle. Everyone turns up but one animal, what animal is it and why?
A. The giraffe, he's in the refrigerator.
Q. Sally is an explorer. She is walking through a jungle when suddenly she comes across a crocodile infested river. There are no bridges over it. Sally swims over and is not bitten by a single crocodile. The How?
A. All the crocodiles are at the lions party.
Q. Sally dies anyway, why?
A. She is hit in the head by a brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yrzrj/500_bricks_on_a_plane/
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My boyfriend asked me how many planets are in our solar system.

And I said. "Eight"
And he said, "Nope, only 7, after I destroy Uranus tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yrz48/my_boyfriend_asked_me_how_many_planets_are_in_our/
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Drugs?

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yrq8x/drugs/
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I bought a racehorse today

, I called him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear people shouting, "Come on My Face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yrogc/i_bought_a_racehorse_today/
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Why did the console player faint at the museum?

Because there were so many frames!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yrlot/why_did_the_console_player_faint_at_the_museum/
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Cop : Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner : Mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yrl6b/cop_whose_car_is_this_where_are_you_headed_what/
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What did one candle say to the other?

You goin' out tonight?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yrj0b/what_did_one_candle_say_to_the_other/
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Little Johnny asks "Dad, what is Politics?"

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what is Politics?".
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way...
I'm the head of the family, so you can call me the President.
Your mom is the administrator of the money, so we will call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So Little Johnny goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that his brother has a poopy diaper.
So Little Johnny goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, Little Johnny says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
Little Johnny replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yrhpa/little_johnny_asks_dad_what_is_politics/
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Dating tip:

Pull out her chair at dinner and whisper, "That's not the only thing I'll be pulling out tonight."  Then pull out her napkin like a true gentleman.
(doesn't work at Mc Donalds)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yrhmq/dating_tip/
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did you hear about the two gay ghosts?

They gave each other the willies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yr9zn/did_you_hear_about_the_two_gay_ghosts/
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When you have a pillow fight with a memory foam pillow,

that's a pillow fight you'll never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yr7jj/when_you_have_a_pillow_fight_with_a_memory_foam/
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A family walks into a hotel

The dad says to the clerk, "I hope the porn is disabled."
The clerk responds with, "No, it's just normal porn you sicko."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yr13b/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
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A lady goes to the doctor.

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yr0rv/a_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
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What does the military use acid for?

To neutralize the enemy base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqz09/what_does_the_military_use_acid_for/
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What do you call a poor circumcision?

A rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqyy7/what_do_you_call_a_poor_circumcision/
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Niddleton the Spider

So, a spider named Niddleton, his friends called him "Nid," went to the local BBQ joint one day. Luckily, Nid's best friend, Ted, was his waiter, because Nid had never been to this specific joint before. So Nid gets his seat and is looking over the menu, when he notices the ribs. Nid was very hungry for ribs at the moment, so he asked Ted, "how many ribs do you think I should order?" Ted thought, and he said, "For you, a rack, Nid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqy9w/niddleton_the_spider/
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Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?

Because she was a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqw0c/why_was_helen_keller_a_bad_driver/
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Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqupp/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_stole_a_calendar/
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If having two sex partners is bigamy, and anything above that is polygamy, what is it called when having a single sex partner?

Monotony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yquen/if_having_two_sex_partners_is_bigamy_and_anything/
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What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?

Wasabi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqt7r/what_did_sushi_a_say_to_sushi_b/
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Today my mom saw me fingering myself on my period...

I guess you could say she caught me red-handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqs9b/today_my_mom_saw_me_fingering_myself_on_my_period/
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Mickey and Minnie

Mickey’s lawyer says, “Your honor, my client requests a divorce from his spouse Minnie on the grounds that she is crazy.” And Mickey says, “You idiot, I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqrxt/mickey_and_minnie/
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Donald Trump and Mike Pence are running around the White House…

After they finish their lap they check their stopwatch which says 10:38,Mike Pence asks if thats a white house record, Trump says no Bush did 9:11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqomc/donald_trump_and_mike_pence_are_running_around/
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A mother is concerned about her sons future

... so she goes to here priest and says "father, I'm concerned for my boy! He doesn't seem to have any ambitions and I'm concerned he won't amount to anything!"
So the father says to her "do not worry, take me to your home and I shall put your mind at ease."
So she takes him to her house and the priest asks her son to go outside for a minute. Then, he turns to the mother and says " now we shall find out what kind of future he will have"
The priest then takes out four items; a dollar coin, a playboy,  a bottle of jack Daniels with a shot glass, and a bible. He then places them on a nearby dresser and tells the mother to hide in the bathroom.
Once in there, the woman asks "why are we hiding and what was with those four items?" The priest then says "The four items are there to test the boy. If he takes the dollar, then he will be a successful business man but betray all his friends and colleagues just to make a buck. If He takes the playboy, then he will be a womanizer and never show an ounce of respect for women. If he takes the whisky, then he will be an alcoholic and find solace only in the bottom of a bottle. Finally, if he takes the Bible, he will be a man of god and act on behalf of the church."
As the pastor finished his explanation, the son walked in, looking for the two of them. He sees the four items on the dresser, looks around, then stares at the items while his mother and pastor watch in anticipation. After a couple more moments, the boy moves towards the dresser and makes his choice.
First he grabs the dollar coin and puts it in his pocket, then he pours a shot and drinks it, finally he takes the playboy, puts it in the Bible, and walks out of the room to find his mom and the pastor.
The pastor is stunned and speechless at what he just saw. Then his mother exclaims "OH MY LORD, he's going to be a politician!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqntc/a_mother_is_concerned_about_her_sons_future/
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Only telepathic people will understand this pun.

I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqnlb/only_telepathic_people_will_understand_this_pun/
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How do you get an grammar nazi's attention?

That. That is how.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqmza/how_do_you_get_an_grammar_nazis_attention/
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What's a dogs favorite cheese?

Pupperjack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqjed/whats_a_dogs_favorite_cheese/
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Playing doctor

Susie and Johnny were playing doctor, when Susie suddenly started crying and ran to her mother.
Later the Susie's mother confronted the Johnny's mother. "My Susie said that your Johnny was playing doctor with her!".
Johnny's mother responded calmly, "that's OK, kids are always exploring. I wouldn't worry about it."
Susie's mom screamed out, "but he took out her appendix!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqj0g/playing_doctor/
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Have ya heard the one about the 3 holes in the ground?

Well, well, well....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqiby/have_ya_heard_the_one_about_the_3_holes_in_the/
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Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqi4f/why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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What does r/Jokes have in common with Politics

Original material is often ignored while old jokes are constantly voted for and complained about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqhzs/what_does_rjokes_have_in_common_with_politics/
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What do you call a dinosaur that knows a lot of synonyms?

A thesaurus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqen3/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_that_knows_a_lot_of/
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Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqehq/why_did_the_console_peasant_cross_the_road/
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A devout Catgolic man had just boarded a plane...

... and was dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!
The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!
The pope after looking quite troubled after writing a word,  leans over and asks the man "Do you know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?"
Oh no. The man is speechless. He sits there, terrified but trying his best to put on a pensive face, for about 30 seconds. The pope won't speak to me this whole flight if I say what first came to mind...
Then it hits him! "Oh!" he says. "AUNT. The word you're looking for is 'aunt', Your Holiness."
The pope calmly nods. "Ah, of course," he says. "Do you have an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yqdfy/a_devout_catgolic_man_had_just_boarded_a_plane/
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A mathematician walks home drunk at 3.am

and his wife is fuming. “You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!” "No," slurs the mathematician... “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yq7qs/a_mathematician_walks_home_drunk_at_3am/
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I took the shell off my racing snail, hoping it would make him faster.

But, unfortunately, it just made him more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yq6ft/i_took_the_shell_off_my_racing_snail_hoping_it/
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Bet you can't see your dick!

My colleague: "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."
Me: "No, just your daughter's head,"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yq65j/bet_you_cant_see_your_dick/
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Did you hear the one about the new chemistry teacher?

He's getting mixed reactions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yq5bw/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_new_chemistry/
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New fish...

It's a guy's first day in prison and he's not taking to it very well. He's off in the corner with that thousand -yard stare, hugging himself and rocking back and forth.
An old timer takes pity on him and walks over.
"How ya' doin', Kid? Having a rough time I see."
"Yeah, well- look around. I'm in prison."
"Awww, shit! You've seen too many movies! It really ain't so bad in here- take it from me."
"How can you say that?!? What could possibly be good in a place like this?"
"Well, lemme ask you- you like baseball?"
"Of course! Who doesn't?"
"Well every Monday night is Baseball Night! We all get to play! It's a lotta fun!"
"Huh! How about that!"
"Yeah! And Tuesday is Movie Night! We all get popcorn and sodas too! It's a hoot!"
"Wow! How about Wednesdays?"
"You like Italian food?"
"Are you kidding? I LOVE Italian food! Are you telling me--"
"Italian Food night. Yeah! We feast like there's no tomorrow!"
"Holy cow! This is great!"
"You betcha!
"Tell me about Thursdays!"
"Oh, fuggetaboudit! Thursday's are off the hook up in here!"
"What? Tell me!!!" (He's all excited now!)
"Well, every Thursday, we all get together and..."
"And what?!?"
"And... Well, Kid, the thing is, I just met you, so..."
"So what?"
"Well, I, uh... I gotta ask you: You wouldn't happen to be one of those, you know, homo-sexuals, would'ya'?"
"Me? God, no! I'm straight as an arrow!"
"Oh... Well in that case, you are REALLY gonna hate Thursdays!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yq2kw/new_fish/
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A man comes home from work and says to his flat mate

"I told you not to try to move the fridge by yourself, its too heavy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ypx0i/a_man_comes_home_from_work_and_says_to_his_flat/
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Did you hear about the guy who tried to lock himself in a shed for 1 hour?

In the end, he couldn't contain himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ypvd2/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_tried_to_lock/
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My girlfriend told me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt....

So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ypt8g/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_give_her_9_inches_and/
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If gym equipment was invisible...

Gyms would look like silent raves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ypmbq/if_gym_equipment_was_invisible/
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I wish sex was like first aid...

..consent is implied if the person is unconscious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ypkp4/i_wish_sex_was_like_first_aid/
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A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods..

The bear looks to the rabbit and asks, "hey, do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fir?"
"No, not at all!" the rabbit replied.
So, the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ypj2p/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_pooping_in_the_woods/
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ypich/whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i_will/
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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.
'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll take their place. However, you can choose whose place you want to take.
'Oh, that sounds okay I guess' says Bush.
Satan leads him to the first room and opens the door. In this room, there's a huge swimming pool. In it, Reagan is drowning. He goes down, then up, then down, then up, and he's gasping for air all the while.
'Oh, no,' says Bush. 'That's not for me, I'm a poor swimmer.'
Satan opens the second door. The room is full of rocks and they see Nixon trying to break up the rocks with a wooden hammer.
'Nah, I have problems with my shoulders and my back, that'd be such a painful thing to do day after day.'
So Satan opens the third door. In the room, they see Clinton lying on the floor, all tied up. Monica Lewinsky is lying on top of Clinton, giving him a blowjob. Bush stares at the scene with a wide smile and says:
'Ah, that I could endure!'
'Alright,' laughs Satan. 'Monica, you're free to go!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ypet8/george_bush_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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You know what sucks when you're married?

Not your wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ypdzt/you_know_what_sucks_when_youre_married/
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I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ypdis/i_couldnt_find_the_thingy_that_peels_the_potatoes/
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Who wants some onomatopoeia?

BOOM! There it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ypccs/who_wants_some_onomatopoeia/
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Never let anyone put you down. Take my mate Jim for example. He was told just because he's deaf he can't play in an orchestra...

But did he listen...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yp5hk/never_let_anyone_put_you_down_take_my_mate_jim/
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How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two consenting adults.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yp062/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What do you get when you cross an Insomniac, an Agnostic, and a Dyslexic?

A person who lays awake all night and wonders if there's a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yoyuj/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
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Sometimes people ask me how many times I've counted to 11 in Spanish

Once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yowz4/sometimes_people_ask_me_how_many_times_ive/
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The USA and USSR decide to end the cold war with a dogfight

The Americans and Soviets, at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The Soviets found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in Russia and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.
After five years' continuous breeding, they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Soviet dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Soviet dog. The Soviet dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Soviet dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Soviet dog.
The Soviets came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "Do you know how much plastic surgery it takes to make an alligator look like a Dachshund?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yowul/the_usa_and_ussr_decide_to_end_the_cold_war_with/
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If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it..........

He's gay, definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yowtp/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_10_men_shes_a_slut_but_if/
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What happened to Hitler when he got mustard gas in his eyes?

He could Nazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yowp4/what_happened_to_hitler_when_he_got_mustard_gas/
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Worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yowfq/worst_pub_ive_ever_been_to_was_called_the_fiddle/
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My friend told me a stupid bird pun.

I replied, "Toucan play at this game."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yovst/my_friend_told_me_a_stupid_bird_pun/
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What did Dave Mustaine say to the grocery store cashier?

"Can you put a price on peas?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yoow3/what_did_dave_mustaine_say_to_the_grocery_store/
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Two guys walked into a bar

The third one ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yonu0/two_guys_walked_into_a_bar/
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Dad my mouse isn't working

I've yet to see a mouse with a job.
My computer mouse stopped working 15 minutes ago, A dad joke ensued.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yomcj/dad_my_mouse_isnt_working/
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Have you heard that new music where they mix country and rap?

Its called crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yolrh/have_you_heard_that_new_music_where_they_mix/
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A Russian, Mexican, and a Texan...

Are all walking along a river. The Russian takes out a bottle of vodka, takes a small swig then throws the the rest in the river.
The Mexican exclaims, "Why would you just throw away a good bottle of vodka?!"
The Russian replies, "In the Mother Land, we have too much vodka. It's not big deal."
The three continue walking when the Mexican takes out a bottle of Tequila. He takes a small swig then throws the rest in the river.
The Texan, who is upset at the Mexican's actions, asks, "Why you would waste all that tequila?! We could have shared it."
The Mexican responds, "In México, we have tons of tequila. It's not a big deal."
The Texan then pulls out his gun, shoots the Mexican, and throws him into the river.
In shock, the Russian asks, "Were you really that mad about him throwing away the tequila?"
The Texan replies, "No. In Texas, we have too many Mexicans. It's not a big deal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yolfs/a_russian_mexican_and_a_texan/
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What do square numbers and girls have in common?

If they're under 12, you do them in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yohka/what_do_square_numbers_and_girls_have_in_common/
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What's the difference between a dollar bill and the Atlanta Falcons?

A dollar bill is good for 4 quarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yohgm/whats_the_difference_between_a_dollar_bill_and/
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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane...

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yoezn/an_atheist_was_seated_next_to_a_little_girl_on_an/
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What do you call it when you steal a bottle of Jack Daniel's?

A Whiskey Move

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yoez7/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_steal_a_bottle_of/
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My girlfriends parents and I tried surprising her with a car on her 16th birthday

But she got lucky at the last second and jumped out of the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yoesa/my_girlfriends_parents_and_i_tried_surprising_her/
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There was a kidnapping in Chicago!

It's okay, he just woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yoalu/there_was_a_kidnapping_in_chicago/
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What do you call an Italian Jedi?

Obi Wan Cannoli.
Don't worry, I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yo9y3/what_do_you_call_an_italian_jedi/
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why was the guitar teacher arrested ?

for fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yo942/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love

in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out ''Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!''
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, ''Did you get these marks having sex?''
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, ''I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yo68d/paddy_and_colleen_were_making_passionate_love/
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3 kingdoms battle over a lake

There is a far off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with the three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but it has its fair share of wealth and power too. The third kingdom is struggling, poor and barely has an army.
The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as its a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armour and a dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime with his own personal squire.
The night before the big battle, the nights in the first kingdom drink and make merry partying into the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off but still have their own supply of grog and drink late into the knight.
In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.
The next morning the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight, the battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing-the squire from the third kingdom.
This goes to show that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yo3pk/3_kingdoms_battle_over_a_lake/
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Who were the world's fastest readers?

9/11 victims. 110 stories in 10 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yo0pl/who_were_the_worlds_fastest_readers/
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Once Stalin had notice he had lost his briefcase.

He immediately called Beria, the head of the NKVD: "Comrade Beria, I have lost my briefcase. You must find it at once!". Later that night, as Stalin returned home, he noticed his briefcase lying on his office desk. Accepting his mistake he called Beria once again "Comrade Beria, I must ask you to call off the search for my briefcase" "Are you sure comrade Chairman? We have already arrested 19 guilty men and 11 have confessed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ynzzn/once_stalin_had_notice_he_had_lost_his_briefcase/
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The doctor took Dan into the room and said

"Dan, I have some good news and bad news."
"Oh,no give me the good news, I guess," Dan replied.
"They are going to name a disease after you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ynzxr/the_doctor_took_dan_into_the_room_and_said/
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What do you call a fat women with a rape whistle....

Optimistic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ynzkp/what_do_you_call_a_fat_women_with_a_rape_whistle/
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Stop making gay jokes, they aren't funny

Come on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ynzia/stop_making_gay_jokes_they_arent_funny/
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a pretty bad joke my dad once told me

what do you get when you cross a elephant, rhino, and a hippo?
helliphino

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ynyz3/a_pretty_bad_joke_my_dad_once_told_me/
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No sex tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, no sex tonight either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ynqsh/no_sex_tonight/
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Bought a dog from a blacksmith today...

Within 10 minutes of getting home, he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ynndp/bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith_today/
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2 Women Meet In Heaven

Woman 1: So how did you die?
Woman 2: I froze to death.
Woman 1: That sounds horrible, I'm so sorry.
Woman 2: It really wasn't that bad after a while I just got really
warm and went to sleep. So how did you die?
Woman 1: I just had this strange suspicion that my husband was cheating on me so I went home early and found my husband just sitting on the sofa watching the TV so I ran around the house non stop for half an hour then just keeled down and died of exhaustion.
Woman 2: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, then we wouldn't be here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ynk12/2_women_meet_in_heaven/
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So I'm weighing the pros and cons for moving to Switzerland...

The flag is a big plus...
Credit to my 13yr old for this one too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yngqr/so_im_weighing_the_pros_and_cons_for_moving_to/
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Banking Crisis in Japan

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ynfmi/banking_crisis_in_japan/
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What's the difference between a social justice warrior and an IED?

You can't trigger an IED just by disagreeing with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ynf4f/whats_the_difference_between_a_social_justice/
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A man walks into a Lada dealership

... and says, "I'd like a hubcap for my Lada," so the dealer says: " that sounds like a fair swap."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yne1h/a_man_walks_into_a_lada_dealership/
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An old man was pulled over

for failing to stop at a stop sign. When questioned the man replied "I slowed down, same difference!". The officer then took out his baton and started striking the man and he asked the man "would you like me to slow down or stop?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yncty/an_old_man_was_pulled_over/
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Hey, have you heard of Murphy's law? It states anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But, have you heard of Cole's law?

It's thinly sliced cabbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ynbsz/hey_have_you_heard_of_murphys_law_it_states/
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My friend thinks he is smart........?

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yn84v/my_friend_thinks_he_is_smart/
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Why are pills white?

Because they work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yn7n4/why_are_pills_white/
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I was walking by a mental institution on my way to work

And in the yard behind the fence, I heard people shouting "four, four, four...". I was curious so I peeked through the wood planks to see what was happening. Someone jabbed a stick in my eye and then everyone started shouting "five, five, five...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yn7ep/i_was_walking_by_a_mental_institution_on_my_way/
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Why are cats and daughters equal in Alabama?

They both lick their paw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yn788/why_are_cats_and_daughters_equal_in_alabama/
%
I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yn563/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
%
I'm with the CIA, AMA!

But please comb your hair first,  you look like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yn4sz/im_with_the_cia_ama/
%
Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?

I really suck at Guac-a-mole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yn4mt/has_anyone_played_that_weird_mexican_carnival/
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What do you get when you ask a lemon for help?

Lemon aid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yn4f3/what_do_you_get_when_you_ask_a_lemon_for_help/
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How to tell if she's a virgin

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said,'Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'
Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel!!!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yn209/how_to_tell_if_shes_a_virgin/
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Two Guys at a Bar (Long)

A gentleman is sitting at a bar when another man sits at the stool next to him.
He sees that the man orders a scotch, which is what he is drinking.
After a few minutes they get to talking and as soon as they both speak it is obvious they have heavy Irish accent's.
The one man says to the other, "You're from Ireland?" and the man nods. So he replies "Meeeee toooo!  Lets have a drink to Ireland"  And they both drink to Ireland.
The other man says "Where abouts in Ireland?" He responds "Dublin".  So the other replies again "Meeeee toooo!  Lets have a drink to Dublin"  And they both drink to Dublin.
They are both starting to get buzzed, and once again one says to the other: "What school did ya graduate from?"
"Saint Mary's" responds the man.  To which the other replies yet again "Meeee Toooo!, Lets have a drink to good ole Saint Mary's"
And they drank to Saint Mary's.
By this time both men are feeling the scotch, and one of the man says "This is getting pretty fucking weird,,, What year did you graduate?"
"1972" says the other man.  To which the other replies "No shit, Meee Toooo!! Lets drink to the great year of our lord 1972"
And they drank to 1972.
Around this time another man walks into the bar, looks around, sees the men and asks the bartender whats going on.
To which the bartender replies "Not much, the fucking Maloney twins are drunk again"
Edit* grammar, reply's to replies, and corrected spelling of graduate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yn174/two_guys_at_a_bar_long/
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I support the CIA.

I bought a Samsung tv.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yn08w/i_support_the_cia/
%
Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick: "What school?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymzp0/mother_how_was_school_today_patrick/
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Best Women in Europe

An Englishman, A Frenchman and a Russian are debating who has the best women.
The Englishman says, "English women are the best. When they sit on a horse their feet can touch the ground. It's not because our horses are short, but because English women have the longest legs in all of Europe!"
The Frenchman replies, "That's nothing. When you put your hands around a Frenchwoman's waist your thumbs and fingers touch. It's not because Frenchmen have long fingers, but because Frenchwomen have the smallest waists in all of Europe!
The Russian, taking a sip from his vodka, looks up and says, "You both are wrong. Russian women are the best! When I leave for work in the morning I smack my wife's behind, and when I return home it is still jiggling. It's not because Russian women have big asses, but because Russian man have the shortest working day in all of Europe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymy9g/best_women_in_europe/
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The Difference Between Women's Friends and Men's Friends

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymtdh/the_difference_between_womens_friends_and_mens/
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If a piano player is called a pianist

Wouldn't a racecar driver be called a racist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymra5/if_a_piano_player_is_called_a_pianist/
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I saw a documentary on frogs the other day...

It was ribbeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymr74/i_saw_a_documentary_on_frogs_the_other_day/
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(Long) Old anecdote about an American on a train.

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”
The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
“And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymoph/long_old_anecdote_about_an_american_on_a_train/
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My dad went to jail because of his beliefs.

He believed he could masturbate on the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymncx/my_dad_went_to_jail_because_of_his_beliefs/
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Success is like being pregnant

Everyone congratulates you, but no one ever asks how many times you've been fucked to get there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymm5m/success_is_like_being_pregnant/
%
I tried to schedule an appointment at the Library

... but I couldn't because they were fully booked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymlmb/i_tried_to_schedule_an_appointment_at_the_library/
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I, for one

like, you know, roman numerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yml17/i_for_one/
%
A girl is on a date at the town fair with a good looking guy.

He asks what do you want to do first.  She replies "Get weighed".  He says OK and they proceed to go to the scale.  When they're done, he says "What do you want to do next?"  She says "Get weighed".  Once again she hops on the scale.  Getting frustrated, the guy says one more time "What do you want to do next?"  She replied "Get weighed" again.  At this, the guy skips the rest of the fair and drops the girl off at her house.  Her mom comes out and says "How was your date?"  The girl replies "Wousy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymkpj/a_girl_is_on_a_date_at_the_town_fair_with_a_good/
%
Two old soldiers were talking......

The first one says, "I remember the first time I parachuted from a plane. It was scary."
The second old soldier says, "I was scared too, and we had a really mean jump instructor."
"How was he mean?"
"Well, I get to the door of the plane and I tell him I'm too scared to jump out. He looks at me and says that if I don't jump now, he's going to fuck me right there."
"Well, did you jump?"
"Yeah, a little at first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymjyl/two_old_soldiers_were_talking/
%
A guy walks into a Bar

And asks for a beer.
The bartender: 'do you want a normal beer or a no-alcohol?'
'It depends. Do you want normal money or Monopoly's?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymj4j/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An Oxford Graduate walks into a bar

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”
The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymi04/an_oxford_graduate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If I had a dollar every time my father said he was disappointed in me. . .

He wouldn't be disappointed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymfl5/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_my_father_said_he/
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Because Soviet jokes are on-trend...

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB are competing for the title of the Best Criminal Catcher. They're given a task by the General Secretariat of UN to catch a rabbit in the forest which he'd released. The CIA plants well-trained animal spies throughout the forest, and after 3 months of investigation they conclude the rabbit doesn't exist. The FBI burns down the forest along with the rabbit, and declare that it cannot be helped. When it's KGB's turn, they go into the forest and after 2 hours they come out with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "OK! OK! I give up! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yme5n/because_soviet_jokes_are_ontrend/
%
My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing.

"Probably failing my driving test," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymc8q/my_mate_phoned_me_and_asked_what_i_was_doing/
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A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal.  Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."
"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but is becoming dark brown when full grown."
"And here, Turkish bull. When born, is dark brown, but is growing up to be light brown color."
The prince says. "I rather like the Turkish bulls.  Fine specimens indeed."
"Excellent choice your majesty.  But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you.  But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color.  Or they will reject you." The Russian explains.
"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull.  I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf.  I rather like this big, beige bull over here."
The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull.  It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.
The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.
"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.
"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ymbl9/a_saudi_prince_wants_to_buy_a_bull_so_he_goes_to/
%
A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He says: "I'll bet you 50 bucks my octopus can play any instrument!"
The bartender takes the bet and hands an octopus a guitar. The octopus plays the guitar like Jimi Hendrix.
Then a barmaid comes over with a trumpet and the octopus plays the trumpet.
Then a waitress comes over with a set a bagpipes. The octopus fiddles with it for a few seconds and puts it down.
The bartender yells: "HA! Can't play it?"
The octopus says: "Play it!? Once I get the stupid plaid pajamas off I'm gonna fuck it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ym7hp/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus/
%
There was a German, an Italian and a Newfie on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die...

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death
The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
The Italian said "Just hang me." With a snap of the rope he was dead.
Then the Newfie said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot and the Newfie fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
The Newfie said "Give me another one of those shots." The guards injected him again and now the Newfie was laughing so hard that tears rolled down his cheeks and he was doubled over laughing.
Finally the warden said "What is wrong with you?"
The Newfie replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ym75i/there_was_a_german_an_italian_and_a_newfie_on/
%
Reach for the stars...

...because even if you miss, you'll be miles away from me with your motivational bull shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ym5lb/reach_for_the_stars/
%
My wife asked me why I carried a gun around the house

I told her; fear of the CIA. She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Echo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ym5fa/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_carried_a_gun_around_the/
%
Finally my winter fat is gone

Now I have spring rolls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ym5ck/finally_my_winter_fat_is_gone/
%
Two friends are hiking up a trail.

Two friends are hiking up a trail in a remote area of the woods, we will call them Bob and Frank. Out of nowhere a snake leaps and bites Bob square on his penis. Panicking, Frank tells Bob that there was a village nearby and someone HAS to know what to do.
Frank finds the local medicine man who says that this snake IS deadly but if you grab the area and suck out the venom the victim will live.
Armed with this knowledge, Frank runs back to Bob.
"Bob!  Bob!" Frank struggles to catch his breath.  "I've got good news and bad news."
"Frank I could use some good news right now."
"I know how to get the venom out!"
"Oh man that's great! What's the bad news?"
"You're gonna die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ym2zd/two_friends_are_hiking_up_a_trail/
%
A Russian visiting America

A RUSSIAN visiting America, went for an eye check-up.
The doctor shows him the letters on the board: CZWVNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this?
Russian: Read? I even know the guy. He's my cousin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ym0wo/a_russian_visiting_america/
%
I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field

I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ylzug/i_passed_by_the_prison_today_and_they_were/
%
What did the lasagna say to the pizza after having an affair for a while?

We have to stop, I think Spaghetti sauce!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ylxzi/what_did_the_lasagna_say_to_the_pizza_after/
%
My ex-gf claims I dumped her for being a feminist...

Which is completely wrong! I dumped her for not doing my laundry, cleaning my dishes, or cooking my dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ylva7/my_exgf_claims_i_dumped_her_for_being_a_feminist/
%
It's okay batteries

No one includes me either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ylr1l/its_okay_batteries/
%
I found that amputee porn wasn't for me

There was just something missing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ylqim/i_found_that_amputee_porn_wasnt_for_me/
%
What do you call men who don't own donkeys?

Assless chaps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ylmjv/what_do_you_call_men_who_dont_own_donkeys/
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What do you call a midget Mexican?

A paragraph, because he's just a partial essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ylmhh/what_do_you_call_a_midget_mexican/
%
It's quite ironic that "strap on"…

…backwards, spells 'no parts'…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yllcx/its_quite_ironic_that_strap_on/
%
When checking in for his flight, the wedge-tailed eagle was asked: Would you like to check some baggage or purchase an in-flight meal?

The eagle replied: No thanks. I'll just have my carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ylelq/when_checking_in_for_his_flight_the_wedgetailed/
%
Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability...

... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ylbnu/making_fun_of_a_shorts_person_height_is_cruel_and/
%
What's the difference between a butcher and an insomniac?

One of them stays awake, and the other weighs a steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yl9jp/whats_the_difference_between_a_butcher_and_an/
%
I always thought I was more attractive without my glasses.

Of course, that's mainly because I can't see without them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yl8hj/i_always_thought_i_was_more_attractive_without_my/
%
I was teaching my health class about the female anatomy...

"This is the vagina. This is the clitoris, and this is the anus. Any questions?"
"Yes," said one of the students, "Can I put my jeans back on now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yl5tw/i_was_teaching_my_health_class_about_the_female/
%
I would like to die in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming like his passengers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yl3v4/i_would_like_to_die_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
Wrong Place, Wrong Time

a drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykykm/wrong_place_wrong_time/
%
A rat along with two of his best buddies walk into a bar

the bar had to be shut down due to health violations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykxxq/a_rat_along_with_two_of_his_best_buddies_walk/
%
A mate told me that he threw a stick over a mile and his dog caught and returned it.

Seems pretty far fetched to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykxc2/a_mate_told_me_that_he_threw_a_stick_over_a_mile/
%
My brother got sent to jail

He wasn't taking it very well, and got quite angry. He started destroying houses in my street and finally stopped when he got to the hotel.
That's the last time I play monopoly with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykx5h/my_brother_got_sent_to_jail/
%
If you take the wings off a fly...

Does that make it a walk?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykwrw/if_you_take_the_wings_off_a_fly/
%
Why did the minor F scale like going up?

Because going down made his D flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykv2y/why_did_the_minor_f_scale_like_going_up/
%
A cruise ship is sailing in the Caribbean..

The cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yktwf/a_cruise_ship_is_sailing_in_the_caribbean/
%
What do you call a computer that sings?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykron/what_do_you_call_a_computer_that_sings/
%
Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One turns to the other: "Wanna get shit-faced?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykrew/two_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
%
Why was the black man good at basketball?

Because he practiced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykoz8/why_was_the_black_man_good_at_basketball/
%
I just got a new stepladder.

I lost my real ladder when I was 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykona/i_just_got_a_new_stepladder/
%
What do you call a war between india and the UK?

The empire strikes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykmcj/what_do_you_call_a_war_between_india_and_the_uk/
%
Want to know the real reason Hitler committed suicide?

He got the gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykktd/want_to_know_the_real_reason_hitler_committed/
%
What's 6 in long, 2 in wide and drives women wild?

$100

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykksj/whats_6_in_long_2_in_wide_and_drives_women_wild/
%
President of South Korea Impeached.

Hopefully the USA will follow suit, and have their president deoranged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykkmo/president_of_south_korea_impeached/
%
My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using screws or nails as fasteners.

I told her yes... and it's riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykiow/my_wife_asked_me_if_there_was_an_interesting/
%
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykho8/i_called_a_suicide_hotline_in_iraq/
%
So a retiring man decides to start a farm

As an insurance adjuster, he always wanted to start a farm out in the country. He takes his retirement and moves out to the country, and immediately goes to a local market in order to purchase animals to start his farm with.
He sees a stand with hens. He thinks, "Well, wouldn't be a bad idea to get a hen, as they lay eggs."
"How much for that hen?"
"Oh, you mean this pullet?"
"Pullet?"
"That's what we call them."
"I'll take it."
He then thinks, "It would be wise to get a rooster to breed with the hen. More chickens just means more eggs and meat!"
He sees a stand selling roosters and he says, "Hey, I'd like to buy a rooster."
"Oh, I got this cock for sale."
"What's that?"
"Around these parts, we call 'em cocks. He should do you just fine."
"I'll take it."
So he walks away happy as can be, figuring if nothing else he can sell eggs or chickens. But as he walked past a donkey stand, he wonders if he could use the donkey to run a plow so he could produce vegetables.
He approaches the stand, and being short on cash at this point, he asks, "What's the cheapest and most efficient donkey you've got?"
"Well, I got this ass. He's a bit fussy. Sometimes, he just won't go. But the trick is, just scratch him behind his left ear, and he starts going. He can pull like crazy, when in the mood."
"I'll take it!"
Proud as can be, since now he knows the in and outs of farming, with his hen in one arm, his rooster in the other, guiding his donkey back to the farm. Suddenly, the donkey stops. He tugs, and the donkey just won't budge. With his arms holding these flailing birds, he can't figure out how to get the donkey moving.
He sees a young lady walking towards him on the same road.
"Excuse me, lady, would you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykgse/so_a_retiring_man_decides_to_start_a_farm/
%
A photon walks into a hotel

The clerk asks "do you have any bags we can help you with?"
Photon says "naw dawg, I'm travelin' light"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yket9/a_photon_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
I wanna stick my penis in the pickle slicer.

Frank has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Frank vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Frank returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Frank?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Frank, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Frank ... I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, uhhh, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykcu5/i_wanna_stick_my_penis_in_the_pickle_slicer/
%
We call my grandpa "Spider-Man"

He doesn't have any super powers, he just finds it hard to get out of the bath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykc4z/we_call_my_grandpa_spiderman/
%
What does a Chinese cat say?

Maow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ykap1/what_does_a_chinese_cat_say/
%
I ran into a closet homosexual the other day

and walked out still gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yka5r/i_ran_into_a_closet_homosexual_the_other_day/
%
Two men go out hunting…

Two men go out hunting and everything is going fine until one of them trips, falls on a rock, and becomes unresponsive. Thinking the man is dead, the other man calls 911 and the operator tells him to make sure the man is dead. The operator hears a gunshot and the man says "Ok, what now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yk4i4/two_men_go_out_hunting/
%
Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lift up as I thought, "I'm either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said "Thanks," and walked back to the stove, her T shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yk3kb/morning_sex/
%
losing my virginity was a lot like how I learned to ride a bike

My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yk1fr/losing_my_virginity_was_a_lot_like_how_i_learned/
%
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring

The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yk0ve/yesterday_i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food/
%
A father catches his daughter having sex in her room

Daughter: "I'm sorry!"
Father: "Hi sorry!" Turns to guy "Are you fucking sorry?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yk0nb/a_father_catches_his_daughter_having_sex_in_her/
%
How many ophthalmologists does it take to change a light bulb?

1... or 2? 1... or 2?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yjt8s/how_many_ophthalmologists_does_it_take_to_change/
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A Chinese Couple are in bed on their wedding night

And the wife asks her husband what he wants. He thinks for a second and says I want a 69. She slaps his face and says you want Beef and Broccoli right now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yjrh9/a_chinese_couple_are_in_bed_on_their_wedding_night/
%
What do you call bees that produce milk?

Boo-bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yjlx4/what_do_you_call_bees_that_produce_milk/
%
Coming Back as a Hillbilly

Q. What do you call it when you die and come back as a hillbilly?
A. Reintarnation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yjl2d/coming_back_as_a_hillbilly/
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Old farmer (NFSW)

One day the farmer was goimg through his mail and seen a letter from the IRS. It said they had to call the office as soon as he can. So the farmer called the local IRS agency. The IRS agent answered and said, "Hello Mr. Johnson. We would like to discuss the large transactions going in and out of your account." Mr. Johnson said, "Okay, I can come to the office on Monday at 9am." After he hung up he was a little worried so he called his lawyer to come with him. His lawyer picked him up and they went to the IRS office. They sat down and the agent said, "Mr. Johnson we see a bunch of large transactions going in and out of your account. What are these?" Mr. Johnson said, "Those are all from me betting on things." The IRS agent was supprised and said, "Those are all gambling transactions?" Mr. Johnson said, "Yes sir." Mr. Johnson said, "Here, I will show you. I will bet you $5,000 that I can bite my own eye." The agent thought about it and said, "You're on!" So, Mr. Johnson took out his false eye out and bit it. The agent was supprised and dumbfounded. Mr. Johnson said, "Okay, I will give you a chance to make more. I will bet you $7,500 that I can bite my other eye." The agent thought about it and said to himself, "He didn't come in with a seeing eye dog and the lawyer didn't guide him in." The agent said, "Deal!" Mr. Johnson took out his false teeth and bit his other eye. The IRS agent said, "Damn!" Mr. Johnson said, "Okay okay, I will give you a chance to make $10,000. I bet that I can pee over your desk into your trash can and make every drop. You can put it all the way against the wall if you want." The agent thought about it, and said to himself there is absolutely no way he could make all of his pee in that trash can. "Deal! You're on!" Mr. Johnson takes his dick out and pisses all over the desk. The agent jumps up all excited and said, "Yes! I win!" The lawyer says, "Damit!" The agent said, "What is wrong?" The lawyer said, "Mr. Johnson bet me $100,000 that he could pee all over your desk and you would be excited."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yjkvi/old_farmer_nfsw/
%
A boy just saved Donald Trump's life.

And Trump says he can have anything he wants.
The boy asks for a wheelchair ramp for his family's van, and unlimited access to handicapped parking.
Trump asks the boy if this is for his mom or his dad.
The boy says that it's for him.
"But kid, you're not in a wheelchair." says Trump.
"I will be when my dad finds out what I've done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yjjrb/a_boy_just_saved_donald_trumps_life/
%
If you have protected sex for 365 days straight, then melt the condoms down and mold a tire from them, what would you call it?

A Fucking GoodYear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yjhh0/if_you_have_protected_sex_for_365_days_straight/
%
If you cut the grass around your deck ...

It makes your deck look bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yjfkv/if_you_cut_the_grass_around_your_deck/
%
I would make a pun about sealife...

But I'm pretty sure half of you would krill me for it.
This is comedy gold(fish).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yj998/i_would_make_a_pun_about_sealife/
%
What do you call nuts on a wall?

What do you call nuts on your wall?
Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin?
A dick in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yj7kb/what_do_you_call_nuts_on_a_wall/
%
I met a girl today with 12 boobs...

Sounds made up, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yj25a/i_met_a_girl_today_with_12_boobs/
%
What is the worst response to "I love you"?

"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yj1nn/what_is_the_worst_response_to_i_love_you/
%
What do you call a politician who doesn't lie, cheat and steal?

I don't know I'm still waiting to find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yj1lk/what_do_you_call_a_politician_who_doesnt_lie/
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In the light of recent CIA news, here is an old Soviet joke.

Three guys travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One guy is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first guy decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he comes back into the room, sits down and says after 9 minutes:
- You know, you should not really be telling political anecdotes just like that. KGB has every room wiretapped here.
- Come on, it's bullshit. Nothing to worry about - answer the guys.
- No no, KGB really hears everything you are saying. Here, let me show you.
The guys snaps his fingers and says: Comrade Major, three cups of tea, please!
In a few seconds, train staff bring the tea in.
The two guys are totally shocked. They shut up quickly. Soon, all three go to bed.
Next morning the pranker guy wakes up alone in the room. He goes out and asks the train staff, where those two guys went.
- Oh, KGB took them last night.
The guy asks, totally terrified: How come, they let me off?!
The train staff answer: Well, Comrade Major really like your tea prank!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yj0p8/in_the_light_of_recent_cia_news_here_is_an_old/
%
I met a passive aggressive witch.

She didn't curse me she just blessed everyone around me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yj03z/i_met_a_passive_aggressive_witch/
%
Why did the Mexican take Valium?

For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yizgj/why_did_the_mexican_take_valium/
%
A 7 year old and a 4 year old

Are in their bedroom. "You know what" says the 7 year old, "I think it's time we start swearing. When we go down for breakfast I'll swear first and then you." "OK" says the 4 year old. Mom asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. He replies, "I'll have the coco puffs, bitch." WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mom looked at the 4 year old and said sternly, "and what do you want?" The 4 year old said, "dunno, but it sure as shit won't be fucking coco puffs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yix5a/a_7_year_old_and_a_4_year_old/
%
A dentist and a manicurist stepped into the ring

They fought tooth and nail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yiu06/a_dentist_and_a_manicurist_stepped_into_the_ring/
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What do women and video games have in common?

You have to beat them to get maximum enjoyment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yis5e/what_do_women_and_video_games_have_in_common/
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I had to stop dating someone that I met online.

He didn't look anything like her pictures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yir5h/i_had_to_stop_dating_someone_that_i_met_online/
%
Stop bullying fat people, it isn't funny

They have enough on their plate anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yiqd4/stop_bullying_fat_people_it_isnt_funny/
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Slow wife

A village man decided to walk 5 miles to town for some supplies.  While there, he saw a bull for sale.  It was a grand bull and decided to buy it.  After making the purchase, he realized he would need his wife to come help him bring the bull back home.  At the time, the only way to communicate to anyone was via telegraph, however, he only had enough money to send one word.
He thought for a moment, and wrote down the word on a piece of paper and handed it to the operator.  The operator looked at the paper, then at the village man and said, "Comfortable".  "How is your wife going to know you need her to come with just this single word?"
The village man replied, "Don't worry, she's a very, very slow reader".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yipwd/slow_wife/
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Want to know how C major keeps such a good body?

She's all natural.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yio2q/want_to_know_how_c_major_keeps_such_a_good_body/
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I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.

I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef.  He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.
I wondered for a second,  then I remembered,
"Beggars can't be choosers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yinl3/i_saw_a_man_on_the_street_with_a_sign_saying_he/
%
Three fathers are discussing their son's success.

The first one says "My son started off with very little money, but he is a genius in the stock markets, and became rich just like that! Recently he even bought a friend of his a new Ferrari."
The second one says "That's nothing! My boy started working as a cleaner in a large company, and over the years became it's president! He recently bought his friend a private jet!"
The third listens to the stories, a smile on his face. "My son was born into extreme poverty and using his skills he became the richest man in this country. He even bought his friend a huge mansion, complete with 1,000 acres of land."
Just as he finished speaking, another man enters the room, and asks what they were talking about. They explained to him about their sons.
The man said "My son is a gay, male stripper."
They all looked shocked. The first man said "How can you stand his failure?"
The man replies "He is my son and I love him. Besides, he recently had his birthday and got a Ferrari, a private jet and a huge mansion from three of his best customers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yin5z/three_fathers_are_discussing_their_sons_success/
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Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the cliff?

Tequila.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yilf1/why_did_the_mexican_throw_his_wife_off_the_cliff/
%
I just got kicked out of the pet shop.

All I did was ask the owner, "How many calories are there in this fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yikvr/i_just_got_kicked_out_of_the_pet_shop/
%
If I have sugar in my left hand and sugar in my right hand

am I ambidextrose ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yike2/if_i_have_sugar_in_my_left_hand_and_sugar_in_my/
%
You guys remember the note 7?

I mean, I get that Samsung wanted to blow away the competition, but I didn't think they would  take it seriously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yij5f/you_guys_remember_the_note_7/
%
"I look fat..."

...said a woman to her husband. "Please give me a compliment."
"Honey," he said, "Your eyesight is perfect."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yighq/i_look_fat/
%
My buddy got home today to find his wife had left him...

She took his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish.
Feel sorry for him..... No Woman, No Sky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yifyq/my_buddy_got_home_today_to_find_his_wife_had_left/
%
What do r/Jokes and girls have in common?

I don't get them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yiepq/what_do_rjokes_and_girls_have_in_common/
%
My wife has been giving me the silent treatment for an entire week now

We've never gotten along better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yicoo/my_wife_has_been_giving_me_the_silent_treatment/
%
Jesus could walk on water

.
.
.
But Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yicjv/jesus_could_walk_on_water/
%
Why I am leaving this sub.

The Japs hit us, and we're going down fast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yibnm/why_i_am_leaving_this_sub/
%
Jesus fed 2000 Jews fish and bread.

Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yib9g/jesus_fed_2000_jews_fish_and_bread/
%
"My new band's name is 1023 MB"

"Awesome! When are you guys playing?"
"I don't know. We don't have a gig yet."
Ba Dum Tss...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yi8eq/my_new_bands_name_is_1023_mb/
%
I saw a universal remote control for the first time today

I thought to myself, "Wow, this changes everything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yi83x/i_saw_a_universal_remote_control_for_the_first/
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Russian Elections

[Best said with a horrible Russian Accent - Arnold Schwarzenegger  in Red Heat bad.]
So after the last Russian Election, Putin's campaign advisor came up to him:
CA- Comrade Putin (you know that's how he's addressed in private) I have good news and bad news.
Putin- Give me the bad news first.
CA (shakily)- your opponent got 63% of the vote.
Putin (with a calm but menaced voice)- If that's the bad news, what's the good?
CA- You got 65% of the vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yi80l/russian_elections/
%
A Scotsman comes home from a business trip to Canada...

... and slams the door behind him. His wife comes running to the door to see the commotion. "Oh! It's you," she says a bit startled. "Welcome home, love! How was the trip?" He gives her a look of pure anger. "How was the trip? HOW. WAS. THE. TRIP? I WAS MADE A BLOODY FOOL BY YOU!" His wife is taken aback. She can't think of what she could have done to get such a reaction out him. "What do you mean?" she asks. "When I told you I had to go on business to Nunavut, you told me to wear the fox hat," he began. "I figured because it was cold there, that you were telling me to get a fox skin hat to keep my head warm. So I got one with the tail at the back and everthing. I was the laughingstock everywhere I went, no thanks to you!" His wife began laughing hysterically, which only infuriated him even more. "You bleedin idiot," she said between bouts of laughter, "when you said you were going to Nunavut, I said 'Where the fuck's that?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yi7s4/a_scotsman_comes_home_from_a_business_trip_to/
%
If a tree falls on a woman and no one is around to hear it...

.
.
.
.
.
What the fuck was a tree doing in the kitchen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yi74p/if_a_tree_falls_on_a_woman_and_no_one_is_around/
%
the square root of a depressed X

is complex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yi6ij/the_square_root_of_a_depressed_x/
%
A Russian judge walks out of has chambers laughing his head off.

A colleague approaches him and asks him why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well go ahead and tell me," says the second judge. "I can't - I just gave someone ten years for it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yi4a3/a_russian_judge_walks_out_of_has_chambers/
%
I just failed my third drug test this month

At this rate, I'll never become a pharmacist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yi419/i_just_failed_my_third_drug_test_this_month/
%
Why did the TV break up with the remote?

He was too controlling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yi3gy/why_did_the_tv_break_up_with_the_remote/
%
Why can't you print money on shuttlecocks?

That's badminton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yi2vt/why_cant_you_print_money_on_shuttlecocks/
%
What do you call an unsuccessful migrant trying to illegally cross the U.S. southern border?

A Mexi*cant*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yi2l5/what_do_you_call_an_unsuccessful_migrant_trying/
%
What do nazis eat ?

Luftwaffles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yi1vh/what_do_nazis_eat/
%
Bill Gates wakes up one morning, hungover, after a late night soirée at the foundation.

Melinda looks at him and says, "Wow, Bill, you don't look so good."
Bill replies, "Yeah I know, I feel like a million bucks..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yi1g0/bill_gates_wakes_up_one_morning_hungover_after_a/
%
Memory wipe

"We've divided the population as you requested, Mr. President" announced the assistant "we just need your approval for the memory wipe".
"Wipe the memories from the groups 1 to 8" replied the president, "leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too"
"Sir, you want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?"
The president looked out at the world from the window.
"Only 90's kids will remember this"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yi0s9/memory_wipe/
%
When I was a kid my dad left without any indication

All I remember of him was that he drove a BMW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yhzsr/when_i_was_a_kid_my_dad_left_without_any/
%
My robust wife is mad at me because I misunderstood her when she demanded flowers the next time we made love....

...and so that night,  with a bag of flour in my hands all I said was: "I thought you wanted this to roll in so I could find the wet spot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yhzn8/my_robust_wife_is_mad_at_me_because_i/
%
There are 3 kinds of people in this world...

The kind that can count..
And the kind that can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yhzgf/there_are_3_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
%
How do you arrest a Roman woman?

Caesar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yhxub/how_do_you_arrest_a_roman_woman/
%
I'm writing a musical about a rag-tag team of Breitbart columnists standing up to the mainstream media elites.

It's called Fake Newsies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yhtmn/im_writing_a_musical_about_a_ragtag_team_of/
%
My friend said he could tell a better glove pun than me.

But I'm not gauntlet that happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yht1i/my_friend_said_he_could_tell_a_better_glove_pun/
%
How many friend zoned guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They'll just stand around complimenting it then get pissed when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yhqwo/how_many_friend_zoned_guys_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage.

I do not want unlucky people working in our company

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yhov7/when_i_am_tasked_with_sorting_through_a_stack_of/
%
How were the cast of Friends able to escape a desert island on a homemade raft?

Because Lisa Kudrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yhk9v/how_were_the_cast_of_friends_able_to_escape_a/
%
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick.

I accidentally gave her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yhipg/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
%
Do another round

A guy walks into a bar. He orders three beers. When the bartender hands him his first, the guy insists he get all three. After finishing the three beers he pays the bartender and leaves.
Now, for weeks, on the same day, the same guy orders three beers, insisting he get them all at once. Finally, a month later, the bartender feeling curious asks him. "Hey pal, how come you always order three beers like this?
"Well," the guy says "my brother and my best friend are deployed so I always drink a beer for them."
The bartender nods, "that's awesome of you dude."
Well, not long after the same guy comes in but instead of ordering three beers, he orders 2. The bartender brings him the two beers, "hey man....I'm sorry, can you tell me what happened? I understand if it's too personal."
The guy shrugs, "oh, I just quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yhi9t/do_another_round/
%
Did you hear that the Pope is in the hospital with the bird flu?

I guess he caught it from a Cardinal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yhewq/did_you_hear_that_the_pope_is_in_the_hospital/
%
Where do the fishermen store their money

on the River Bank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yhbtb/where_do_the_fishermen_store_their_money/
%
Bear Conversion

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they agree to each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together to compare results. The priest begins:
“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yh4fj/bear_conversion/
%
A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods...

The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No," replies the rabbit.
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yh12a/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_shitting_in_the_woods/
%
A man walking along the beach stumbles upon a bottle...

A man who has been walking along a beach stumbles upon a bottle. He picks up the bottle and takes the cork out of it. The moment he does it, out comes a genie.
The genie looks at the man and said,
>“As you have released me from my imprisonment, I offer you one wish!”
The man thought for a while about what wish to ask for and said,
>“I’ve always wanted to go to Paris but I’m scared of flying; I also get very seasick, and I don’t like tunnels. Could you build a bridge from Dover to Calais so can drive over there to visit?”
The genie laughed, saying,
>“You’re out of your mind. Think of all the technical problems! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Channel? Think of how much concrete needs to be poured...how much steel! No, I can’t offer you this wish. You have to think of something else.”
The man said that he understood the impossibility of his wish and tried to come up with another good one. After much thought he said,
>“You know what, I’ve now been married and divorced four times. My four ex-wives always complained that I was insensitive. They repeatedly told me that I didn’t understand them. So, I want to do something about this complaint. I want to know how they really feel and what they’re thinking when they refuse to talk to me. I want to know why they’re crying. I want to know what they really want when they say that everything is fine. I want to know how to make them truly happy. Also, I want to know when they would like to have sex.”
The genie looked at him and said,
> “You want that bridge with two lanes or four?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygyhb/a_man_walking_along_the_beach_stumbles_upon_a/
%
What did the 7 dwarves say when Snow White finally woke up?

"Looks like we're back to jerking off again".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygwvo/what_did_the_7_dwarves_say_when_snow_white/
%
What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygv54/what_do_you_call_a_belt_made_out_of_watches/
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Edgy jokes are like my life

Sad and depressing but people still manage to laugh at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygt4m/edgy_jokes_are_like_my_life/
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For Sale: Parachute

Only used once. Never opened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygstu/for_sale_parachute/
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Why did the dog who just gave birth to seven puppies in the vacant lot get a ticket from the police officer?

She was charged with littering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygsnz/why_did_the_dog_who_just_gave_birth_to_seven/
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Ask a vegan.

Yesterday when I was grilling for the block party, I had a person come up to me and announce that they would not be eating any of my meats because they were vegan.  Per a conversation I had on Ask Reddit, I asked them if vegans can eat ass, being that it is from an animal and all.
Apparently the answer to that question is "go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygslq/ask_a_vegan/
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My doctor told me quite harshly that I have to quit eating sweets if I want to avoid diabetes

He didn't sugarcoat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygrzr/my_doctor_told_me_quite_harshly_that_i_have_to/
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Why does no other nation have the **American Dream**?

Because the rest of the world is awake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygrp8/why_does_no_other_nation_have_the_american_dream/
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Top reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment

They are already experts at recycling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygrm0/top_reddit_posters_should_use_their_karma_to_help/
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Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygoh1/tifu_by_walking_in_on_my_roommate_masturbating/
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A married couple are having hard financial times

so they decide that their only option is for the wife to become a prostitute.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so the husband says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you have a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s been standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “$100”
He says, “All I have is $30”.
She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to her husband and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, was the reply.
She runs back and tells the guy for $30 he gets a hand job.
He agrees, so she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE member...
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to her husband, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygm3d/a_married_couple_are_having_hard_financial_times/
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I was told I was adopted online...

The jokes on them. I'm an orphan...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yglnj/i_was_told_i_was_adopted_online/
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There are three lumber jacks.

There is an Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Chinese guy.  The boss puts the Italian guy in charge of cutting down the trees, the Polish guy in charge of carrying the logs and the Chinese guy in charge of supplies.  He tells the men he'll be back in a few hours to check on their progress.  When he returns, the Italian guy is chopping the trees and the Polish guy is carrying the logs, but he can't find the Chinese guy.  All he sees is a wall of boxes stacked up.  As he walks towards the boxes, the Chinese guy jumps out from behind them and yells "SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygjva/there_are_three_lumber_jacks/
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My girlfriend left me because of my love of noodles.

I'd best spaghetti on with my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygjd7/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_of_my_love_of/
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What did the Adenine say to the Thymine?

"Uracilly guy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygheb/what_did_the_adenine_say_to_the_thymine/
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I saw my ex-wife with her new lover and decided to wind him up, so I shouted…

"How's the second-hand pussy?!"
Quick as a flash, he replied, "Great! After the first three inches, it's like brand new!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygcup/i_saw_my_exwife_with_her_new_lover_and_decided_to/
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What do you call a snarky thief going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.
Sorry if this is a repost. Heard it yesterday and thought you all would enjoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ygca1/what_do_you_call_a_snarky_thief_going_down_the/
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A biology class is preparing to take their final for the year

The professor tells them to take out a blank sheet of paper
He tells them for their final they have to take a look at a birds feet and identify, the name of the bird, the class, order, family, genus and species.
They'll also have to tell the color of bird and how old it is.
One young man stands up and says "this is bullshit professor, no one can do that. Not even you could do that, you're full of shit."
The professor is outraged he says "Young man what is your name?"
The student pulls up his pants and sticks his legs in the air and says "take a guess prof, take a guess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yg8ej/a_biology_class_is_preparing_to_take_their_final/
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Why do fights happen at drive-through ATMs?

Because they cash you outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yg2b7/why_do_fights_happen_at_drivethrough_atms/
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Kissing lead to foreplay...

She liked it when I used one finger,
She: "Now use two fingers"
Me: "Yeah you like that?"
She: "Now stick your hand in..."
Me: "Oh babe, you're kinky"
She: "Two hands now..."
Me: 😦"okay...."
She: "Now clap...
Me: "I can't..."
She: 😏 "I'm tight, right?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yg1k0/kissing_lead_to_foreplay/
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What did the left butt-cheek say to the right butt-cheek?

If we stick together, we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yg13e/what_did_the_left_buttcheek_say_to_the_right/
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A guy goes into a tattoo shop and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis.

Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yfzbl/a_guy_goes_into_a_tattoo_shop_and_asks_for_a/
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What do you feed a gay horse?

Haaaaaaaay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yfy70/what_do_you_feed_a_gay_horse/
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Do you know how copper wire was invented?

Two Scots fought over the same penny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yfwv4/do_you_know_how_copper_wire_was_invented/
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Divorce...

A man calls his mom to let her know that he planned to file for divorce from his wife:
"Well that's terrible!", his mom says. "You've only been together a few years. What happened?"
"It didn't work out, Ma."
"Oh, c'mon! There has to be more to it than that!"
"No, that's pretty much it. She just stopped going to the gym."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yftyh/divorce/
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In 2020 we're going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision...

I can't wait to see them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yftv0/in_2020_were_going_to_have_an_entire_year_of_bad/
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Letter from North Korea

When my friend moved to North Korea, he knew his mail would be read by censors, so he told me: "Let's establish a code. If a letter you get from me is written in blue ink, it is true what I say. If it is written in red ink, it is false."
After a month, I got the first letter. Everything was written in blue. It said, this letter: "Everything is wonderful here. Stores are full of good food. Movie theaters show good films from the west. Apartments are large and luxurious. The only thing you cannot buy is red ink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yftig/letter_from_north_korea/
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What do you get when you cross Hitler with Osama bin laden?

Nein 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yfpur/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_hitler_with_osama/
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A Chicken walked into a Library

The chicken walking into a library, went up to the Librarian, and said "Book book book"
So the librarian gave the chicken 3 books. The chicken left, and came back around 15 minutes later, to return the books, and again, Said "Book book book"
Again, The chicken left for 15 minutes, and brought the books back, only to repeat "Book Book Book"
This happened another 3 times, when finally the 5th time, the librarian followed the chicken out of the library. So she followed the chicken down to the closest swamp.
He brought the books down for a frog to read.
But everytime he brought the books, the frog said __"Readit readit readit"__
*First joke on here, hope you enjoy*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yfo2m/a_chicken_walked_into_a_library/
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A Boy Genius and his Frog

A man is driving his car down a country road. The weather is horrible outside. Suddenly he hears a loud pop and his car begins to veer wildly. He gets out of the car in the pouring rain to see that one of his wheels has popped off because all of the nuts holding it in have cracked and broken. He has a spare tire but no nuts to now hold that tire in place.
As he tries to figure out what to do he hears a shout from a young boy sitting on a nearby wall.
‘Hey Mister, Hey Mister, C’mere and I think I can help’
The man walks over and the boy tells him that if he takes one nut from each of his other tires it will hold the newest tire in place for 4 miles before the stress causes it to break. The nearest garage the boy tells him is three miles away so he will make it there.
The man is flabbergasted and asks the young boy how he could know this.
The boy smiles and tells him ‘Ah geez Mister that’s nothing so it ain’t, basic engineering. I’m something of a boy genius, a prodigy you might say. This was simple but if you want to see my latest project I’d be happy to show you’
The weather has started to clear up so the man agrees and takes a seat on the wall next to the boy.
The boy pulls out a box with a frog in it and places the frog on the wall. He then takes out a measuring tape and brings the tape measure up to one foot.
‘Frog jump one foot high’ he says, and the frog jumps exactly one foot high.
The boys brings the tape up to two feet ‘Frog jump two feet high’, and the frog jumps exactly two feet.
The boys brings the tape up to four feet ‘Frog jump four feet high’, and the frog jumps exactly four feet.
The man can’t believe it, ‘That’s incredible’ he exclaims, ‘how did you get him to do that?’
The young boy smiles, ‘Ah shucks Mister that ain’t nothing, that’s just training ain’t it, real easy to do, here is the project’ and suddenly he rips the legs off the frog!
He repeats his previous steps.
‘Frog jump one foot high’ he says, and the frog lays still, legless.
The boys brings the tape up to two feet ‘Frog jump two feet high’, and the yet again does not move.
The boys brings the tape up to four feet ‘Frog jump four feet high’, and the frog remains motionless.
The man is perplexed, ‘I don’t understand’ he says, ‘What are you trying to show’
‘Ah’, says the boy, ‘It’s all pretty complicated but my basic theory is that when you tear the legs off frogs they go deaf’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yfmza/a_boy_genius_and_his_frog/
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A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs"...

Step 1
Step 6
Step 8, 9, 10, 11...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yfi3n/a_quick_guide_on_how_to_fall_downstairs/
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Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yfgx0/why_was_cinderella_thrown_off_the_basketball_team/
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What do you call it when Argon, Neon, Krypton, Xenon, Radon, and Helium frequently attend church?

Noble Masses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yfget/what_do_you_call_it_when_argon_neon_krypton_xenon/
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My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.
"No," she replied.
"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yfcrd/my_wife_came_home_with_four_cases_of_beer_three/
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How do trains drink?

They, CHUG!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yfcfk/how_do_trains_drink/
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Damn girl, are you a math textbook?

No, why?
Because you have a lot of fucking problems

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yfccq/damn_girl_are_you_a_math_textbook/
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A friend asked me what do they sell at Lidl

I said a Lidl bit of this, a Lidl bit of that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yfbwb/a_friend_asked_me_what_do_they_sell_at_lidl/
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There's something crazy I really want to try in bed..

Getting 8 hours of sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yfbuq/theres_something_crazy_i_really_want_to_try_in_bed/
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Mike has just told me he's been shagging twins

Mike: I've been shagging two twins
Me: How can you tell them apart?
Mike: Easy, Debbie has blonde hair and Jeff has a moustache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yf6yy/mike_has_just_told_me_hes_been_shagging_twins/
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3 Cowboys

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were
about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the
three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight
They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom.
They tied the noose around the second cowboy's head. He, too,oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away.
As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted,"Please! Would yaw'l tighten that noose a little bit? I can't swim!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yf5p1/3_cowboys/
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What do you call a sauna full of coma patients?

A vegetable steamer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yf48j/what_do_you_call_a_sauna_full_of_coma_patients/
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TIL that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yf29l/til_that_by_law_you_have_to_turn_your_headlights/
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Between typos and autocorrect it's getting hard to post on /r/jokes...

One tiny mistake and your whole post is urined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yf265/between_typos_and_autocorrect_its_getting_hard_to/
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Why are fishmongers only thinking about themselves?

Cause they sell fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yez2p/why_are_fishmongers_only_thinking_about_themselves/
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A man visits a mental hospital.

He sees a patient with torn clothes & unkempt hair shouting "Julie !! Julie !!"
He asks the assistant about the reason for the patient's  behavior. Asst says the patient used to love a girl called Julie but couldn't marry her. So he became mad.
The man visits the next ward. There also he sees another patient with torn clothes & unkempt hair shouting
"Julie !! Julie !!"
The man looks at the assistant.
The assistant says "This one married Julie"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yewdz/a_man_visits_a_mental_hospital/
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Life is like a box of chocolates.

It ends faster for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yev8p/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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What's green and would kill you if it fell from a tree?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yeuu4/whats_green_and_would_kill_you_if_it_fell_from_a/
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A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yerve/a_joke_is_like_a_frog/
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My wife and I were driving home last night, both of us feeling horny…

We couldn't wait to get home, so I pulled into a quiet road and we got down to it.
Then a cop on a motorbike came round the corner and gave me a ticket.
I said "What the fuck's this for?"
He replied, "That's for doing 69 in a 30 zone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yenii/my_wife_and_i_were_driving_home_last_night_both/
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What's the male equivalent of a feminist?

A sexist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yenfb/whats_the_male_equivalent_of_a_feminist/
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My only form of income is donating blood

It's sucking the life out of me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yem48/my_only_form_of_income_is_donating_blood/
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What do cheap hotels and the jeans kids wear these days have in common ?

They have no ballroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yeido/what_do_cheap_hotels_and_the_jeans_kids_wear/
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My wife asked why I carried a gun around the house. I told her : Fear of CIA.

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon echo laughed.
I shot the echo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yehm4/my_wife_asked_why_i_carried_a_gun_around_the/
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Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...

and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at attention, ready to go home early. She made note to try and let some other people win today.
The first quote she read was "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Immedietly, little Tommy's hand shot up. She glanced around the room and saw Sara meekly raising her hand, so she picked her. "Who said that, Sara?" Sara correctly responded Teddy Roosevelt, so Ms. Jane let her go home early.
The next quote was "My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." Tommy's hand went right up again, but so did Karen's. Ms. Jane picked Karen, who correctly said John F. Kennedy, so she was allowed to leave early.
As Ms. Jane looked down, she heard from the back of the classroom, "Jesus, I wish these bitches would just keep their goddamn mouths shut!" Horrified, she looked up and asked who said that. Tommy raised his hand and said "Bill Clinton, can I go home now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yehdv/every_friday_ms_jane_ends_class_a_little_early/
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This is Blonde Joke

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.........'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yeh9x/this_is_blonde_joke/
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I asked the CIA for my lost GMail password...

They sent it to me via my smart TV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yegbu/i_asked_the_cia_for_my_lost_gmail_password/
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How much nice guys do you need to screw a lightbulb

None because they will just compliment it and then whine about how it doesn't want to screw them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ye8vh/how_much_nice_guys_do_you_need_to_screw_a/
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Thanks student loan for getting me through college

I don't think I can ever repay you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ye7wg/thanks_student_loan_for_getting_me_through_college/
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My dad used to say, girls are like cars...

The younger, the better! But then again, he's in jail...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ye79v/my_dad_used_to_say_girls_are_like_cars/
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A man named Jimmy walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar and notices a couple lines of people standing at the other side of the bar.
Jimmy asks the bartender "what are those people standing over there for?"
The bartender replies, "oh, the owner has a nice system setup for people who can't pay their tabs. He really enjoys causing others pain, so if you stand in the first line you can get kicked by the owner and he lets you go free. In the second, the owner gets to twist your nipples as hard as he wants, but again, you get to go for free."
Jimmy responds "Wow, what an interesting system. You know
what would make it a lot better?"
"What's that?" Asks the bartender
"If there was a punchline"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ye6fw/a_man_named_jimmy_walks_into_a_bar/
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"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife, while she was in labor…

"Fuck off you bastard!" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh, I thought - it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ye6ev/push_harder_i_shouted_to_my_wife_while_she_was_in/
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Why do bodybuilders get huge when they consume protein?

Because they eat whey too much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ye5xf/why_do_bodybuilders_get_huge_when_they_consume/
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Man takes "I love you" -tattoo on his dick and shows it to her girlfriend...

...girlfriend is staring at the tattoo, shaking her head in disappointment and says: "You're trying to put words in my mouth again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ye0jd/man_takes_i_love_you_tattoo_on_his_dick_and_shows/
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My girlfriends dad told me that he'll do to me whatever I do to her.

So I said "I paid for dinner and drove her home".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydzg0/my_girlfriends_dad_told_me_that_hell_do_to_me/
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A man is pulled over by a cop for speeding

The cop, however, is a riddle lover and tells the man that he would be free to go without a ticket if he solved his riddle correctly.
The man accepted, and the cop told him: "you're on a dark road, late in the evening. On the opposite side you see two lights coming towards you. What is it?"
"Why, a car" immediately answers the man.
"You needed to be more precise" says the cop, "it could have been a Land Rover, an Opel, an Audi... Sorry, but I have to fine you."
A bit sad, but still convinced that if the riddles were this simple he could solve a different one, the man asks for a rematch. The cop accepts and asks him:
"You're on a dark road, late in the evening. On the opposite side you see one light coming towards you. What is it?"
"Well, it's most certainly a motorbike" answers the man.
"You needed to be more precise" again says the cop, "it could have been a Yamaha, a Kawasaki, a BMW... I'll have to fine you."
"Okay, go on. But I would like to tell you a riddle as well."
"Let's hear it."
"You're on a dark road, late in the evening. On the sidewalk you see a semi-naked woman. What is it?"
"Well, it's definitely a prostitute."
"You needed to be more precise" said the man, "it could have been your mother, your daughter, your sister, your wife..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydz70/a_man_is_pulled_over_by_a_cop_for_speeding/
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If the current Russian president is preparing to lead a series of swift military offensives...

...does that mean he's Putin on a blitz?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydvte/if_the_current_russian_president_is_preparing_to/
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Two gold fish are in a tank.

One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydv33/two_gold_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydtr2/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_girl_with_a_yeast/
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Why aren’t koalas actual bears

The don’t meet the koalafications

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydtba/why_arent_koalas_actual_bears/
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My girlfriend has the body of a 12 year old

Which is amazing for a 7 year old!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydsqa/my_girlfriend_has_the_body_of_a_12_year_old/
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How many nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can't change it because they can nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydrus/how_many_nazis_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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What did the shoelace say to the annoying rope?

Can you knot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydrpk/what_did_the_shoelace_say_to_the_annoying_rope/
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I had a dream I was dreaming...

Woke up to find I wasn't dreaming.
This may be bad but at least you're happy with your life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydrph/i_had_a_dream_i_was_dreaming/
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Talking Dog for Sale

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydrox/talking_dog_for_sale/
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My wife asked for a spa day for her birthday

I can't wait till she unwraps it, and I tell her it's pronounced spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydqsy/my_wife_asked_for_a_spa_day_for_her_birthday/
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I met a pirate today.

I met a pirate today at the bus stop, as I was waiting for the 151 bus to go downtown. I know he was a pirate, because he had an eyepatch, and a hook, and a peg leg, the whole deal. That, and I asked him.
"Excuse me, sir, but are you a pirate?" I asked.
"Arr, I be a pirate, aye."
"Oh, that must be a very interesting line of work."
"Oh, arr."
"Not without its danger, though," I remarked. "If I may ask, how did you get your peg leg?"
"Oh, the peg leg! I had me own leg bitten off by a shark off the coast of Tortuga."
"Wow! What about the hook?"
"Arr, the hook! Me hand was cut off in a duel with the treacherous Bluebeard!"
"The scoundrel! And what about your eyepatch?"
"Oh, me eyepatch," the pirate replied, a bit sheepish it seemed to me. "Well, it was me own turn to stand lookout that day in the crow's nest, when a seagull came and pooped in me eye."
"A seagull pooped in your eye, and that's why you wear an eyepatch?"
"Well, it was me first day with the hook, you see."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydpvg/i_met_a_pirate_today/
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Why do stools break easily?

Because they're crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydou5/why_do_stools_break_easily/
%
I absolutely can not stand Brown people.

It's just that I had an ex graduate from there and she was super pretentious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydoky/i_absolutely_can_not_stand_brown_people/
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What did the ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing. They just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydm9o/what_did_the_ocean_say_to_the_other_ocean/
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Sex is like basketball:

I'm 5'3" and don't play a lot of basketball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydl1s/sex_is_like_basketball/
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if everyone in the United States drove a pink automobile what would we have?

a pink carnation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydj3p/if_everyone_in_the_united_states_drove_a_pink/
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My doctor told me to stop eating transfats

Man, I'm going to miss Tinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydfuf/my_doctor_told_me_to_stop_eating_transfats/
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Noah and the Two Snakes.

Noah, after settling his ship down and letting loose the animals aboard his Ark unto the world, noticed a pair of snakes that were left behind.
"Well, what are you guys still doing here?" Asked Noah.
"Remember how you said 'go forth and multiply' ?" One of the snakes replied.
"Yes..." Noah responded, looking deeply confused.
"We can't, we're adders."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ydfex/noah_and_the_two_snakes/
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Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yda8l/chinese_man_calls_in_sick/
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A college stud could get with any women he wanted.

Luke was pretty much perfect: star on the football team, top of his class, president multiple clubs, and was hot af.  I mean, this guy has slept with hundreds of different girls, even his teachers.  However, near his college career, he wants to settle down.  He asks one of his best friends, Tracy, if she would be willing to date him.  Of course, Tracy agreed.  Now, this girl wasn't amazingly attractive, like about a 7, but their personalities fit together perfectly.  Like, they could finish each other's sentences and were always enjoyable to talk to.  Everyone thought that Tracy and Luke were the perfect couple and stay together long past college.  However, Luke was the type of guy that was used to hooking up with multiple girls.  So, one the side, he began seeing a really attractive girl, a 9.  This girl, Bella, wasn't the smartest or the best fit for Luke, but he didn't care.  As things got more serious with Bella, he finally decided that he couldn't keep this from Tracy any longer.  He tells Tracy the truth, and she starts to freak out.  She starts stalking him and calling him in the middle of the night until Luke can't handle it any more.  He then takes advantage of an opportunity the college provided to study abroad.  He studies in Europe for a few months, calling Bella multiple times a day.  Once he feels like Tracy has cooled down, he boards a plane to go back to his college.  However, as he drives to his residence he discovers many policemen waiting for him.  Confused, as he has done nothing wrong, he pulls up and asks what's wrong.  The lead officer informs him the his girlfriend Bella has been murdered earlier that day, and as her boyfriend, Luke is the top suspect.  Luke cooperates and is led to an interrogation room.  He proves that he was on a plane during the time of the murder through his passport and is released.  As he left the complex, he turned around and asked how Bella died.  The officer shifted uneasily and asked if he really wants to know.  Luke responds that he does, and the officer tells him that the cause of death was cannibalism.  Luke then walks back to his car in utter disbelief.  Then it dawns on him:
7 ate 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yd8nt/a_college_stud_could_get_with_any_women_he_wanted/
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A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien

"Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." He tells him.
&nbsp;
The mexican man pleads with the officer, "No, nooo, pleeze Senior, I must stay in te USA! Pleeeze!"
&nbsp;
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "Ok, I willl let you stay only if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".
&nbsp;
The Mexican man of course agrees.
&nbsp;
The Border Patrol Agent tells him "The 3 words are: Pink, Green and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
&nbsp;
The Mexican man thinks really hard for a couple minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. Te phone goes Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yd6vg/a_us_border_patrol_agent_catches_an_illegal_alien/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because the man wore the wrong socks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yd1vr/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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How many anime characters does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yd0zw/how_many_anime_characters_does_it_take_to_change/
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They say half of all gays were born that way...

...the other half were just sucked into it somehow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycyrf/they_say_half_of_all_gays_were_born_that_way/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycyea/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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A few years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when...

...my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycxx9/a_few_years_ago_one_night_i_was_about_to_propose/
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Hey did you guys hear about the guy who taped 100 watches to his belt?

He waisted his time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycxwu/hey_did_you_guys_hear_about_the_guy_who_taped_100/
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Whats the difference between a school teacher and a train?

Teacher says "spit your gum out" and the train goes "chew chew chew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycx9s/whats_the_difference_between_a_school_teacher_and/
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A girl, her grandma, a guy and his boss share a compartment in a train.

From the beginning of the journey it's pretty obvious that the girl and guy like each other. Once when the train passes through a tunnel and plunged into darkness a kissing sound and slap is heard. When the train comes out into light, the old woman thinks, "It was daring of that guy to kiss my grandchild, but it was rightful of her to slap him". The boss thinks, "The guy is brave to try such a thing, but I wish she hadn't mistook me for him". The girl thinks "Wow the guy is a brave one, but I wish my grandma didn't have to slap him". While the guy thinks, "This has to be my luckiest day. I get to kiss a girl and slap my boss".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycw9e/a_girl_her_grandma_a_guy_and_his_boss_share_a/
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Did you hear about Trump's ban on pre-shredded cheese?

He wants to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycu9l/did_you_hear_about_trumps_ban_on_preshredded/
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A redneck decides he wants a sex change

, but he's not sure he can afford it. He asks the local doctor about his options.
"So you don't have insurance?" asks the doctor.
"Nope."
"And no funds for an operation like this?"
"Just 10 bucks I got for scooping them dead raccoons off the highway this weekend." replies the bumpkin.
"Well, I'll tell you what. Go buy a half-stick of dynamite from Old Maurice, go out into your field, light the dynamite, and count to 10." says the doctor.
"How's that supposed to make me into a woman?" asks the redneck.
"Trust me. I've known you for years. It'll do the trick."
So the man heads straight to Old Maurice's shack, gives him $10 for a half-stick of dynamite, and heads home. He walks straight to the middle of his field, lights the dynamite, holds it in his left hand, and as the fuse burns he starts counting off on his fingers:
"One, two, three, four, five... "
*sticks the dynamite between his legs to free his other hand*
"... six, seven..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycteq/a_redneck_decides_he_wants_a_sex_change/
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A smug prisoner went down a flight of stairs.

He was a condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycry6/a_smug_prisoner_went_down_a_flight_of_stairs/
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I wish my grass...

was emo so it could cut itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycr8n/i_wish_my_grass/
%
Two Cyclopes are eating Amy Schumer

One turns to the other and say, 'Does this taste funny to you'
The other says, 'No'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycqa9/two_cyclopes_are_eating_amy_schumer/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

... and the bartender asks if he's an alcoholic, considering all the bars he frequents.
The horse responds "I think not." And POOF the horse disappears.
At this point, all the philosophy students begin to chuckle, as they are familiar with the adage "cogito ergo sum" or "I think, therefore I am."
I probably should have explained this first, but doing so would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yco7b/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If you struggle cutting cake....

Is it still a piece of cake?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycnve/if_you_struggle_cutting_cake/
%
I posted a joke on r/jokes

Everyone's version of mine was funnier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yclov/i_posted_a_joke_on_rjokes/
%
I never thought I'd get into Feng Shui...

but the tables have turned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yclkr/i_never_thought_id_get_into_feng_shui/
%
Young girlfriend

you know your girlfriend is too young when you have to make an airplane noise to get your cock in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yckts/young_girlfriend/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycjxr/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
Did you hear about the price of grapes?

There raisin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycjsx/did_you_hear_about_the_price_of_grapes/
%
How do you say?

“How do you say ''Hablas Español'' in English?”
“Do you speak Spanish?”
“No, that's why I'm asking?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycjj9/how_do_you_say/
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Things can be worse !

A father passing by his teenage son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up
prominently on the center of the pillow.
It was addressed "Dad".
With the worst premonition,
he opened the envelope and
read the letter with trembling hands :-
Dear dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you,
but I'm leaving home.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend Rosy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Rosy and she is so nice to me.
I know when you meet her you'll like her too even with all her piercings and tattoos.
But it's not only the passion Dad,
She is pregnant and said that
She wants to have the kid and
that we can be very happy together.
Even though Rosy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?),
and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
It's true she had other boyfriends as well but I know she'll be faithful to me in her own way.
She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
In the meantime,
we'll pray that science will find a
cure for AIDS so Rosy can get better;
She sure deserves it!!
Your loving son,
Rocky.
At the bottom of the page were the letters
"PTO"
Hands still trembling, his father turned the sheet,  and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that
there are worse things in life than
my report card that's in my desk center drawer.
Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.
I love You!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycg89/things_can_be_worse/
%
What's the difference between a black person and a tractor?

When a tractor doesn't work, no one makes excuses for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycf3o/whats_the_difference_between_a_black_person_and_a/
%
In touch with your inner self.

If you want to get in touch with your inner self, it's easy. Just buy single ply toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycdsi/in_touch_with_your_inner_self/
%
Today would've been my mother's 50th birthday... But due to drug use and bad choices

We all forgot about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycd2m/today_wouldve_been_my_mothers_50th_birthday_but/
%
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.

Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yccgk/an_electrolyte_and_a_solvent_are_talking_in_jail/
%
I accidentally stepped on a cornflake

I am a cereal killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycbr2/i_accidentally_stepped_on_a_cornflake/
%
I Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked

So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycatw/i_got_a_case_for_my_iphone_even_though_the_screen/
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Banker

I used to be banker, but I lost interest ;D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ycatm/banker/
%
I had a teacher called Mr Turtle.

He tortoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yc9uu/i_had_a_teacher_called_mr_turtle/
%
Ever hear of a pinata pussy?

It's a pussy so ugly you gotta put a blindfold on just to hit it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yc68a/ever_hear_of_a_pinata_pussy/
%
I heard a knock at the door the other day and when I answered it there was a 6 foot beetle standing there that just punched me straight in the face.

Apparently there's a nasty bug going around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yc5ki/i_heard_a_knock_at_the_door_the_other_day_and/
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What's the difference between American women and Muslim women?

American women get stoned **before** sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yc5fl/whats_the_difference_between_american_women_and/
%
An old man bought a new corvette

He was speeding down the highway at 95 mph and was enjoying the wind in his face.
He saw a cop car pull up behind him and instead of stopping, he decided to go faster.
He increased his speed to over 100 mph and the cop kept following.
The old man realized that he was too old for this and pulled over.
The cop, seeing that it's an old man decided to be kind.
He said " Listen, it's a Friday and it's my last shift. If you give me an excuse that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old man thought for a moment then said
" 10 years ago my wife eloped with a police officer. I thought you were bringing her back "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yc2wv/an_old_man_bought_a_new_corvette/
%
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yc1rt/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
So a lawyer has a car accident...

A Lawyer was getting out of his ferrari when another car crashed and ran right into and through the door which he was opening.
Furious he calls the police. The officer arrives and the lawyer explains the situation
- I'm very angry about my car, the entire door came off!
The officer responds:
-You lawyers, all u care about are your material possesions. You haven't even looked at your arm, it's been torn right off!
And the Lawyer says:
-Oh no!! My rolex!!
Sorry if this offende anyone, i remeber my grandma telling it to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yc0kl/so_a_lawyer_has_a_car_accident/
%
That was a hell of a XXX storm last light.

All you could see were snowflakes getting blown!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yc0an/that_was_a_hell_of_a_xxx_storm_last_light/
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You want to keep your acceleration constant

because nobody likes a jerk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybx4o/you_want_to_keep_your_acceleration_constant/
%
The local Walmart was giving out batteries

They were free of charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybwwf/the_local_walmart_was_giving_out_batteries/
%
You can get a degree in Women's studies, but you can't get a degree in Men's studies.

Well, technically you can: history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybwjk/you_can_get_a_degree_in_womens_studies_but_you/
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Fifty dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybwin/fifty_dollars/
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What travels down an alley and has holes in it?

Batman's parents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybt7m/what_travels_down_an_alley_and_has_holes_in_it/
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I had a trig teacher that could never stay focused...

He always went off on a tangent.
I don't know for certain, but it could be a sine of something serious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybs4w/i_had_a_trig_teacher_that_could_never_stay_focused/
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A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman.

He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.
The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybq49/a_building_contracter_hires_an_englishman_an/
%
The "A Day Without A Woman" protest was today...?

Everything was so quiet, I must've slept through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybmy0/the_a_day_without_a_woman_protest_was_today/
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Old Joe, the blind fur trader walks into a bar...

After sitting down and folding up his blind poking stick he says, "I'll bet anyone here $50 here I can guess what your pelt is and what you killed it with!"
The first taker throws a pelt on his table. Joe feels the fur, tests its texture and smell, feels the wound of the killing blow. Says, "Racoon, killed with a .22." Wins his $50 and buys a round for the house.
A second taker puts a large pelt on the table. Joe feels the fur, tests its texture and smell, feels the wound of the killing blow. Says, "Bear, killed with two 12 Gauge Deer Slugs." Wins his $50 and buys another round for the house.
The third guy wants to have some fun and mess with Joe. So he gets his girlfriend to get on the table spread eagle naked. Joe feels the fur, tests its texture and smell, feels the wound of the killing blow. Thinks about it. Checks again.
Finally says, "Skunk, killed with a hatchet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybmfx/old_joe_the_blind_fur_trader_walks_into_a_bar/
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20 reasons chocolate is better than sex

1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yblm5/20_reasons_chocolate_is_better_than_sex/
%
It appears international women's day was a HUGE success.

Women from all over the US demonstrated their  femininity by not making up their minds about whether they wanted to celebrate it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yblf3/it_appears_international_womens_day_was_a_huge/
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I tried to climb the Eiffel tower once

But eiffel :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybj0d/i_tried_to_climb_the_eiffel_tower_once/
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I can't wait for an AI to reach 10% of the capabilities of the average human.

Then we can replace all of Congress with a single AI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybi1u/i_cant_wait_for_an_ai_to_reach_10_of_the/
%
My math teacher told the whole class I'm average...

she's mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybhvr/my_math_teacher_told_the_whole_class_im_average/
%
My kids say I’m hopeless at fixing appliances...

Well, they're in for a shock...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybg9i/my_kids_say_im_hopeless_at_fixing_appliances/
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What do you call an operation that turns a woman into man?

An addadictomy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybdbi/what_do_you_call_an_operation_that_turns_a_woman/
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TIFU by getting fired from the calendar factory

All I did was take a day off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ybc4z/tifu_by_getting_fired_from_the_calendar_factory/
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A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini

Holding out a crisp twenty he says, "Bartender, bring me a banana martini."
The bartender is stunned: in all his years of bartending, he has never seen a gorilla patron. Or heard a talking gorilla. Or mixed a banana martini. Or seen a gorilla who knew how to count money. This gave him an idea.
After mixing the drink, he took the $20 bill and stuck it in the register. Doubting the gorilla's ability to count change, he hands the gorilla back $1, even though he knew full well the drink was only $7.50. The gorilla says nothing.
After a while, the bartender just can't control his curiosity any longer. He approaches the gorilla and says, "You know, I can't help but say... in all my years, I've never so much as seen a gorilla walk into a bar, let alone serve one a drink!"
To which the gorilla replies, "At $19 a drink, I'm surprised you have any customers at all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yb9sr/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_banana/
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They say that history is written by the winner

That's why French history books are so thin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yb8zy/they_say_that_history_is_written_by_the_winner/
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[Long] A passenger plane is flying through the Himalayas

A passenger plane is flying through the Himalayas. Suddenly, a giant mountain appears. It does not seem like that the plane is able to fly over the mountain.
The pilot says: "Dear passengers, please stay calm. Due to exceeding our weight limit, our plane is not flying at our desired altitude. So in order to gain more altitude and fly over this mountain, we have to discard all the luggage."
The passengers, though very unhappy about it, are more concerned about their safety. So after the luggage is discarded, the plane is able to fly over the mountain. Everybody claps.
However, another mountain appears, thus one even higher than the last one.
Pilot: "Dear passengers, we sadly have not reached our desired altitude yet. Thus, we have to throw out all your backpacks, laptops, and other loose objects in order to lose weight."
Same with last time, the passengers do as told, so the plane gains altitude and flies over the mountain. Everybody claps.
Finally, an unbelievably high mountain appears, easily topping the first two.
Pilot: "Dear passengers, I am sad to inform you that we do not have the necessary altitude to pass this mountain. Furthermore, we have discarded nearly everything. But fear not, this plane is able to detach its floor to lose even more weight! However, you have to hold on to the handrails on the ceiling until the end if the flight. I am sorry there is no other choice..."
The passengers do as told and grab on to the handrails while the floor is being detached. With that done, the plane passes the mountain.
Pilot: "We have now passed the last mountain. Thank you very much for your cooperation!"
Everybody claps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yb7ht/long_a_passenger_plane_is_flying_through_the/
%
Standing in the queue at my local pharmacy, the man in front of me asks the female cashier...

....For a pack of 99 condoms. "Fuck me" she replies.
"Make that a pack of 100."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yb3u7/standing_in_the_queue_at_my_local_pharmacy_the/
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The president being decried as "Not my president" has been a boon to scientists everywhere.

We now know for sure P=NP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yb2u6/the_president_being_decried_as_not_my_president/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's heavy and one's a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yb1bw/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...

because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yb17l/trump_is_blaming_sanders_for_the_violence_at_his/
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How did the hipster burn himself?

Ate his food before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yb096/how_did_the_hipster_burn_himself/
%
Trump has a new collection of neckwear coming out

Russian Mob Ties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yaunj/trump_has_a_new_collection_of_neckwear_coming_out/
%
How many Sony and Microsoft fanboys does it take to turn on a lightbulb?

I don't know. They won't go near the Switch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yasj6/how_many_sony_and_microsoft_fanboys_does_it_take/
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Doctors and Shots

A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yasi5/doctors_and_shots/
%
A man goes to a bar in the top floor of a high rise building.

When he approches the bar, a man infront of him orders a scotch and proceeds to walk to the window where he jumps out. Shocked and horrified the man runs to the window and sees no sign of the man. He orders his drink and try to process what just happend.
About an hour later the window jumper shows up at the bar without a scratch on him. He orders a scotch, then goes to the window and jumps out.
Utterly confused and horrifed our man screams and runs to the window. Sure enough no sign of him this time either.
Still trying to make sense of the situation the man sees the window jumper walking into the bar again. And again no scratch or sign of injury on him. Our man is shocked, confused and angry.
He ask the man
- "How do you do it. How can you jump out of the window on the 80th floor and come back unharmed!?"
- "Its all in the scotch" The man says.
- "Allright, give me a scotch" Says our man to the bartender.
The bartender gives him a scotch, and our man drinks it, and proceeds to jump out the window.
The bartender and the man looks at eachother and the bartender says:
- "Sometimes you are a real asshole Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yar29/a_man_goes_to_a_bar_in_the_top_floor_of_a_high/
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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hell. He just wants this smelly bum out of his face. He gives the bum a fork and the bum goes away.
About 10 minutes later, as the guy is refilling the salt shakers, there's another knock on the door. Another filthy bum, dirtier and smellier than the last. And again, the bum asks for a fork. Bewildered, the guy hands him a fork and hurriedly closes the door. He's starting to get mildly freaked out.
10 minutes after that, just as the guy is putting away the mop and preparing to leave there's a third knock. The guy yanks open the door and sure enough, the raggedest, dirtiest, stinkiest bum ever is standing there. The guy has had enough, he just wants to go home. He yells "HERE, take your stupid fork and leave me alone!" The bum says "but I don't need a fork, I need a straw!" "What?!" says the guy. "First two bums come asking for a fork, and now you want a straw? What the hell is going on?" "Oh, well that's simple" says the bum. "Somebody puked on the sidewalk just up the street, but now all the good stuff is gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yaqz3/probably_the_grossest_joke_ive_ever_heard/
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A Nazi walks into a Polish bar...

and sees an orthodox Jew in the corner, nursing a beer. The Nazi smells an opportunity and yells to the bartender, "I want another round for everybody here, except for that Jew over there!"
Cheers erupt throughout the bar, and the Nazi looks smugly at the Jew. To his surprise, the Jew was smiling widely. The Nazi, in an attempt to remedy this, yelled to the bartender, "Another round for everyone except the Jew, but this time make it top shelf!"
The drinks are brought out, and the Nazi glances towards the Jew. Now, the Jew was grinning like a madman. The Nazi yelled to the bartender, "Hey! Is that Jew retarded or something?"
The bartender shakes his head and replies, "No Sir. He's the owner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yap5b/a_nazi_walks_into_a_polish_bar/
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A Revelation

It all started yesterday when I had to change a lightbulb.
On my way to the hardware store to buy a bulb I followed a chicken across the street.
Afterwards I walked into a bar where I saw a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde being served drinks by Matt, the bartender with no arms or legs.
I returned home drunk only to hear a knock-knock at my door.
There stood my neighbor's kid, little johnny.
It was at that moment I realized my life was just one big joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yaoci/a_revelation/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

Tall, hot and over the counter at Starbucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yao0x/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews,

went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.
"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black, We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is."
Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said, "See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for nuns. In all the world," Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, "there is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nun's habits from, and it is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"
A few weeks later the two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, on a whim, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own.
Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on.
"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," she replied. "he looked at my garment, said something in Latin, and left."
"In Latin?" asked the first nun. "What did he say?"
He said, "Marcus, Pincus fuctus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yam44/marcus_and_yacov_two_hasidic_jews/
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What does wearing crocs and getting a blowjob from a dude have in common?

Feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yaiqv/what_does_wearing_crocs_and_getting_a_blowjob/
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If i had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive..

.. they would eventually find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yai51/if_i_had_1_for_every_girl_that_didnt_find_me/
%
Google - Boy or Girl?

Teacher : Google is a girl or a boy..?
..
..
..
Student: Google is a Girl.....because it won't let you complete
the whole sentence and start guessing, suggesting.....and
you ask only one question.....
but get hundreds of irrelevant answers in seconds...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yahxw/google_boy_or_girl/
%
Girl: Do you know my friend Helen?

Guy: No, what is she like?
Girl: She's the vegetarian.
Guy: Can't say I've met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yahvr/girl_do_you_know_my_friend_helen/
%
Why does Turkey deny armenian genocide?

Because they can't accept the failure - Kardashians are still alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yagb7/why_does_turkey_deny_armenian_genocide/
%
I used to think I was indecisive

But now I'm not so sure ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yad0j/i_used_to_think_i_was_indecisive/
%
Stonewalls seem to be a continuous problem for minority groups.

Black people had to deal with Stonewall Jackson.
Gay people had to deal with the Stonewall riots.
Mexicans will have to deal with a Stonewall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yacvr/stonewalls_seem_to_be_a_continuous_problem_for/
%
Why are prisoners always playing harmonicas?

They don't have a choice, it's the only instrument that fits up their ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yacbx/why_are_prisoners_always_playing_harmonicas/
%
In Russia, you watch TV...

In America, TV watches you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5yac9x/in_russia_you_watch_tv/
%
Do you know what the new type of clickbait is?

You do now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ya6a8/do_you_know_what_the_new_type_of_clickbait_is/
%
Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.

It's their free choice between wearing them or getting stoned to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ya5xv/stop_spreading_the_fake_news_that_women_are/
%
How Long is a Chinese name

That's the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ya5cf/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
%
I kinda understand how batteries feel...

...because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ya4zk/i_kinda_understand_how_batteries_feel/
%
What do you call a blind racist?

A Not-see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ya4s0/what_do_you_call_a_blind_racist/
%
What did the impatient emo do at the supermarket?

Cut in line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ya1u4/what_did_the_impatient_emo_do_at_the_supermarket/
%
They say one in ten men are homosexual

In my group of friends I'm pretty sure it's Marc. He's really cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ya1gc/they_say_one_in_ten_men_are_homosexual/
%
Self-deprication can be funny...

But i'm not very good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ya0ws/selfdeprication_can_be_funny/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ya0rh/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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If Kim JongUn gets a son...

Does that mean his sons' name will be Kim jondeux?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9zix/if_kim_jongun_gets_a_son/
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sometimes your life ......

sometimes your life is going to hit you right in the head , ever since mine did I've been mistaking l for w.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9xs1/sometimes_your_life/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?

He refused to believe in Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9tti/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_atheist/
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So, it turns out my girlfriend is cheating on me

I asked her what she was doing, she said she was in the mall with Becky.
I know that's a lie, because I'm lying right next to Becky in her bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9sjk/so_it_turns_out_my_girlfriend_is_cheating_on_me/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

Four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9r0j/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
"Hey teacher, will I get in trouble for something I didn't do?"

"No of course not."
"Okay I didn't do my homework."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9o1u/hey_teacher_will_i_get_in_trouble_for_something_i/
%
Why doesn't Hitler like geometry?

Because he's anti-symmetric.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9mxy/why_doesnt_hitler_like_geometry/
%
Flying Southwest Airlines

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked , ‘If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’
The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’
The busy flight attendant smiled and said, ‘Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?’
The boy said, ‘Yes, she did.’
‘Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9kz8/flying_southwest_airlines/
%
Can February march?

No, but April May..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9hyt/can_february_march/
%
Life is like a penis:

women make it hard for no reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9hpz/life_is_like_a_penis/
%
A man driving a car hits a woman. Whose fault is it?

The man's. Why was he driving in the kitchen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9g5r/a_man_driving_a_car_hits_a_woman_whose_fault_is_it/
%
I was sitting in the Chinese restaurant, thinking about how duckling means little duck...

So I canceled my order of dumplings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9faw/i_was_sitting_in_the_chinese_restaurant_thinking/
%
If sex between two people is a normal twosome, and sex between 3 people is a threesome...

Now I know why everyone calls you handsome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9f5u/if_sex_between_two_people_is_a_normal_twosome_and/
%
The Dragonborn is mad because I wouldn't teach him the first part of Unrelenting Force.

I don't see what all the fus is about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9b7a/the_dragonborn_is_mad_because_i_wouldnt_teach_him/
%
Why is C the coldest letter?

Because it's in the middle of ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y9akp/why_is_c_the_coldest_letter/
%
In honour of International Women's Day, I'd like to point out to everyone that PMS jokes are not funny.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y96pv/in_honour_of_international_womens_day_id_like_to/
%
A woman put an ad in on Craigslist

"Want: a man who won't run around on me, a man who won't abuse me, and a man who is great in bed. Please apply in person."
She submitted it and waited a few weeks, but no one came to apply.
Finally, the door bell ran one morning. She went to answer the doorbell and there was a man in a wheelchair who had no arms or legs.
"Please tell me you aren't here from the craigslist ad."
He responded, "Well of course I am! I haven't got any arms so I can't abuse you."
"Well yes, that's true."
"I'm missing legs so I can't run around on you."
Chuckling she added, "Ok ok. But are you good in bed?"
Smirking he said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y94tm/a_woman_put_an_ad_in_on_craigslist/
%
I told my gf she doesn't have to do the dishes on women's day

Honey, you don't have to do the dishes today. Today is your day. You can do them tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y904o/i_told_my_gf_she_doesnt_have_to_do_the_dishes_on/
%
'Sir, we are mining too many useless ores'

\*Hitler rubs chin*
"So mine less"
\*A grammar Nazi busts in*
"MINE FEWER!"
\*Hitler looks up*
"Yes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y8y3f/sir_we_are_mining_too_many_useless_ores/
%
What do South Koreans call their spouses?

Seoulmates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y8xpk/what_do_south_koreans_call_their_spouses/
%
Why did the hipster refuse to undergo surgery?

The anesthesia wasn't local.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y8w71/why_did_the_hipster_refuse_to_undergo_surgery/
%
It is only when you see a mosquito land on your balls...

that you realize there's always a way to solve problems without using violence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y8w1d/it_is_only_when_you_see_a_mosquito_land_on_your/
%
A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.

When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.
The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my butt to jail, cause there's NO way I’ll pass that test."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y8s21/a_cop_pulled_a_car_over_for_speeding/
%
I hope they never ban algebra...

Think of the aftermath!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y8r0p/i_hope_they_never_ban_algebra/
%
What do you call it when a bull masturbates?

Stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y8q5a/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_bull_masturbates/
%
Have you heard of Murphy's Law?

It states that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law?
It's thinly sliced cabbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y8pvi/have_you_heard_of_murphys_law/
%
A birch tree and an oak tree are talking in the woods...

"You see that sapling over there Oak? That's my son, he's going to be a great birch tree one day."
"No way!" Says the oak. "That's my daughter, she's going to grow into a fantastic oak tree!"
The two argue for a little bit until a woodpecker comes along and lands on the oak's branch. The two decide to ask the woodpecker to check and see who's child the tree is.
The woodpecker flies over to the sapling and pecks on the tree a little. He flies back over to the trees to share what he's found out.
"I'm sorry to disappoint you guys, but that tree isn't birch or oak. It is however the best tasting piece of Ash I've ever put my pecker in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y8fyc/a_birch_tree_and_an_oak_tree_are_talking_in_the/
%
Why did the cannibal separate the meat, blood, and skin of his victim?

So he could eat, drink, and be Mary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y8bs2/why_did_the_cannibal_separate_the_meat_blood_and/
%
When I was 22 I lived a life of crime.

I'm 29 now, but back then I would dress up as Abraham Lincoln and rob convenience stores.
I robbed four stores seven years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y8bg1/when_i_was_22_i_lived_a_life_of_crime/
%
Have you heard of the sexual maneuver called the "Reverse Hitler"?

It's where you ejaculate inside of an anus. i.e. create 6 million lives in a gas chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y8a3y/have_you_heard_of_the_sexual_maneuver_called_the/
%
What did the data say to the CPU?

Cache me outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y85w6/what_did_the_data_say_to_the_cpu/
%
Today is International Women's Day.

It was supposed to be yesterday, but they took longer than expected to get dressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y85ei/today_is_international_womens_day/
%
A plane is about to crash

A female passenger gets up and frantically announces, "if I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "here iron this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y8495/a_plane_is_about_to_crash/
%
Julia was organizing a cat show

and needed a trophy for the first prize. So she contacted a sculptor to create a trophy that resembled a beautiful persian cat.
Julia and the sculptor got together to discuss the plans for this trophy. She wanted it to be made of the finest white marble base with the persian cat made entirely from the finest steel. After a week Julia received the design and the quote. Unfortunately, one of the show’s sponsors backed out and Julia’s budget was lowered. So she asked the sculptor to lower his prices which he wasn’t willing to do.
So they got together again and changed the plans. She still wanted it to like a full bodied Persian cat, but perhaps they could change the materials a little bit. The sculptor did what he could and drew a new design and a new quote for half of the previous one.
Again Julia was faced with a budget cut when the location for the show had burned down. Julia was lucky to find a new location but at a higher price. So she asked the sculptor again to lower his prices, which wasn’t possible without changing the design.
This time Julia asked the sculptor to use a base of oak with gold paint and a cheaper metal for the Persian. And instead of sculpting the cat’s full body, just create the head. The sculptor got to work on a new design and a new quote, but warned Julia this was the last time he would change it.
Bad luck seemed to follow Julia as another sponsor dropped out. She contacted the sculptor one more time and asked if there really isn’t anything he could do. At this point she would be happy to get any trophy, from any material as long as it resembled part of a cat’s body. The sculptor wasn’t happy of course but said he would build a trophy for free on one condition. Julia wouldn’t get to see the trophy until it was presented to the winner. Julia agreed.
During the show, Julia’s bad luck didn’t seem to have run out. Some idiot brought his dog to the cat show claiming it was a good dog. Naturally the dog went berserk and chased several participating cats out of the building. Chaos ensued. But after a long and troublesome show, a winner was finally chosen.
As Julia unveiled the trophy, she saw that the sculptor had made a plastic trophy shaped like a cat’s ass.
It was a real cat-ass-trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y83vd/julia_was_organizing_a_cat_show/
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Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they were shouting
"BACH BACH BACH BACH"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7zz7/why_did_mozart_kill_his_chickens/
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A guy tried to sell me a coffin the other day.

I said that's the last thing I need!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7y5w/a_guy_tried_to_sell_me_a_coffin_the_other_day/
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An englishman was sued for discrimination after firing all the redheads from his strip club.

He was able to get off Scot-free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7y1c/an_englishman_was_sued_for_discrimination_after/
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Abortion Jokes

They never get old...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7qjn/abortion_jokes/
%
A friend asked me if I could have any superpower, what would it be.

I answered Cold War Russia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7q40/a_friend_asked_me_if_i_could_have_any_superpower/
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My girlfriend is a magician...

She creates problems out of thin air

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7otq/my_girlfriend_is_a_magician/
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Turquoise is the best colour in the world

It is cyantifically proven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7op2/turquoise_is_the_best_colour_in_the_world/
%
My sick husband said, "I just wish l could breathe."

You could say he has high aspirations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7mgx/my_sick_husband_said_i_just_wish_l_could_breathe/
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married;

and then it was too late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7lle/then_there_was_a_man_who_said_i_never_knew_what/
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Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.

Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7kw0/wife_why_do_you_go_out_in_the_balcony_when_i/
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What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7j16/what_do_you_get_if_you_drop_a_piano_down_a/
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A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary

, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne.
A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."
"What? How could you?"
"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."
"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?"
"Do you remember that you wanted that position, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job."
"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?"
"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7ifb/a_loving_couple_was_celebrating_their_25th/
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How is non-alcoholic beer like eating out your sister?

It tastes about the same, but just doesn't make you feel right...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7iel/how_is_nonalcoholic_beer_like_eating_out_your/
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A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.

‘What’s up?’ says the driver.
‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.
‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7hgw/a_policeman_on_a_motorcycle_pulls_over_a_car/
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What's the difference between the Holocaust and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 75 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7fti/whats_the_difference_between_the_holocaust_and_a/
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Husband: Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!

Wife: Yeah, the catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7fnm/husband_wow_i_never_thought_our_son_would_go_that/
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Account hacked

My account was hacked the other day. The poster was so polite that he sent me a message to ask me if he could post through my account.
Thank God for the Canadians..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7fn5/account_hacked/
%
I was studying aerodynamics in physics class the other day...

It was so hard, it blew me away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7elh/i_was_studying_aerodynamics_in_physics_class_the/
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I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".
He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".
So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7eev/i_bought_a_chessboard_cake_from_the_bakers_last/
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard...

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7e14/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
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Biology Lesson

A little girl raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked the teacher if her grandmother could have a baby.
The teacher surprised by the question explains that her grandmother would be too old to have a baby.
The little girl followed that up by asking if her mother could have a baby.
The teacher explains that although it was possible her mother is a bit old now so it was unlikely she would have a baby.
The little girl then asked "can I have a baby?"
"Of course not, you're much too young to have a baby" replied the teacher.
"See!" Said a voice at the back of the classroom. "I told you that you didn't have anything to worry about!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7crs/biology_lesson/
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How does every racist joke start ?

:::Person about to tell joke checks surroundings to make sure coast is clear:::

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7bwe/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
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Geometry is the work of satan.

It makes people sin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7a4l/geometry_is_the_work_of_satan/
%
Why does a jet engine turbine never sound like waltz?

Just because it is a huge metal fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y77lx/why_does_a_jet_engine_turbine_never_sound_like/
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If Korean Pop is KPop

Is Chinese Rap Crap?
THANK U SO MUCH!!!! This was my first post and it got all the way to the top!! Thank you sooo much!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7731/if_korean_pop_is_kpop/
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The doc told a guy that......

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y7642/the_doc_told_a_guy_that/
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Do you know what DNA is an acronym for?

The National Dyslexia Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y74ha/do_you_know_what_dna_is_an_acronym_for/
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What do the Twin Towers and Genders have in common?

There used to be two of them, and now it's a sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y73tw/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_genders_have_in_common/
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A guy is interviewing for a job and it has gone really well

Interviewer: Your resume is the best among all the candidates and you have shown great fit to our company culture. I just have one more question for you. In your resume, there is a 4-year empty period, what did you do during that time?
Guy: I went to Yale.
Interviewer: Oh great! You are hired!
Guy: Thank you! I can't believe I get this yob!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y731m/a_guy_is_interviewing_for_a_job_and_it_has_gone/
%
Why wouldn't the Ewoks cat go outside?

Because it was an Endor cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y6zwu/why_wouldnt_the_ewoks_cat_go_outside/
%
My ex-wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better!
It's funny because marriage is terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y6zug/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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I assured to my significant other that size doesn't matter...

when she asked "does this dress make me look fat?" and now she's furious, help--

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y6unn/i_assured_to_my_significant_other_that_size/
%
Please bring me a glass of water.

Boy: mum, could you please bring me a glass of water.
Mum: get up and get it your self.
Boy: mum, please.
Mum: repeat and I will slap you.
Boy: when you come to slap could you bring a glass of water as well?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y6t0i/please_bring_me_a_glass_of_water/
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An old blacksmith ...

... realised that soon he would not be able to work so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y6r96/an_old_blacksmith/
%
I'm feeling very left out…

Even the CIA doesn't want anything to do with my Windows phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y6oia/im_feeling_very_left_out/
%
A wealthy man had a little boy...

For some reason, his first words were "ping pong ball". When the boy was old enough to speak, and understand birthdays and gifts and such (about three years old), he asked the boy "So son, what would you like for your birthday this year?" The boy said, "Daddy, I would like a pink ping pong ball." Father said "That's it? No trucks, no trains no puzzles?" The boy said "No, just a pink ping pong ball.
So the father gets him the pink ping pong ball and wraps it up. The boy is absolutely delighted. He takes the pink ping pong ball to his room, and the pink ping pong ball is never seen again.
A day before his 15th birthday, asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have five pink ping pong balls.
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is pink ping pong balls that you want, a pink ping pong balls you shall have.
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday presents five pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong balls were gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a ten pack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. He said therefore, `If it is a ten pack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a ten pack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a ten pack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the ten pack of pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ping pong ball remained, merely the empty husk of the ten pack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humor me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humor his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbor and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one ten pack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'
`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls, the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
`I- I-'
Then he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y6ofd/a_wealthy_man_had_a_little_boy/
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Hey Mum Look!

I learned how to clickbait!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y6n0f/hey_mum_look/
%
Did you hear about the guy whose temperature went down to absolute zero?

He was 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y6my1/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whose_temperature_went/
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I had one of those horrible moments this morning when I confused my wife's hair removal cream with the toothpaste.

Mind you, my legs have never smelt so minty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y6it2/i_had_one_of_those_horrible_moments_this_morning/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y6dl9/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Heroic last words

There was a guy looking at his basement. He had a wide open space that he thought, "I could fill this space with an amazing painting." He thought about what was most important to him, and hired a painter.
When the painter came in to look at the space the man said, "I really admire Custer from the battle of Little Big Horn. I feel he's a very honorable man. I want his last thought painted on my wall, because they have to be the most inspiring words."
The painter looked at the man and said, "give me two weeks, and I'll paint his last thoughts on your wall."
Two weeks go by and the man is excited. He's looking forward to being inspired everyday. The painter says, "I think you're going to be really excited by what you see here." When the man looks upon the mural  all he sees is Jesus on the Cross and Native Americans fornicating in a field.
"What the hell is this?" The man asks.
The painter replies, "We obviously Custer's last thoughts were 'Jesus Christ where did all these fucking Indians come from?!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y6djn/heroic_last_words/
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What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas!

Gloves!     ^Just ^kidding ^- ^he ^hasn't ^opened ^them ^yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y6c5z/what_did_the_boy_with_no_arms_get_for_christmas/
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, until the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
“Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher.
“What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y67h2/the_teacher_gave_her_fifth_grade_class_an/
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Where would women be without man?

W/oman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y63rz/where_would_women_be_without_man/
%
When I was a teenager, my dad found cigarettes in my room & made me smoke the whole pack.

I'm really glad he didn't find my bag of heroin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y5wwf/when_i_was_a_teenager_my_dad_found_cigarettes_in/
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Why can't the snake have sex?

He has reptile disfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y5tr2/why_cant_the_snake_have_sex/
%
A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other

For hundreds of years out in a park they held their poses. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y5t8f/a_statue_of_a_man_and_a_statue_of_a_woman_stood/
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You wouldn't know, it's *kiiiiind of* an obscure number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y5t4r/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Where do feminists buy their birth control?

Goodwill clothes aisle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y5sqo/where_do_feminists_buy_their_birth_control/
%
What's got two thumbs and can't figure out the difference between a string and an array?

[
0 => "T"
1 => "h"
2 => "i"
3 => "s"
4 => " "
5 => "g"
6 => "u"
7 => "y"
8 => "!"
]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y5pxm/whats_got_two_thumbs_and_cant_figure_out_the/
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It's only Ice cream!

A penguin decides he was sick of living in the antarctic and wants to go see the world.
So he decides he's going to drive through the Americas. Anyways he's been driving up from South America and he makes it to Arizona when he gets a flat tire.
He finds a garage to take his car to and the owner says it'll be a little while, but there's a diner across the street if he wants to grab a bite while he waits. The penguin agrees and goes to the diner and has a a burger for lunch. The waitress asks him if he'd like to have dessert and the penguin says, " you know, I'd love an ice cream cone.
The waitress obliges and brings the penguin a vanilla ice cream in a cone. But, being a penguin, he has trouble holding it, what with having flippers and all, and ends up making a huge mess, smearing the ice cream all over his face. At this point, the penguin gets a call from the garage saying that his car is ready.
The penguin waddles across the street to the garage and asks the owner, "what's the damage?"
The owner says, "it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin is mortified and exclaims, "it's only ice cream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y5pj6/its_only_ice_cream/
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A man walks up to a German clock maker

The man tells him, "My clock just goes tik, tik, tik, it never goes tok!"
The German clock maker holds a flashlight up to the clock and yells "VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKING YOU TOK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y5ojy/a_man_walks_up_to_a_german_clock_maker/
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Letter from a West Virginia mother to her Virginia son

Letter From A West Virginia Mother To Her Virginia Son
Dear Son,
I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did  when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home s we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled down the handle and haven't seen them since. It rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little to heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home. It said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your father he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery. About your sister, she had a baby thus morning, I haven't found out yet if it's a boy or girl so I don't know if you're an Aunt or Uncle. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They could not get the tailgate down. Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and then he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. Write more often
Love Mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y5nno/letter_from_a_west_virginia_mother_to_her/
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How do you make a pool table laugh?

Reach into its pockets and tickle its balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y5lo8/how_do_you_make_a_pool_table_laugh/
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What is Forrest Gump's password for everything

1Forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y5li6/what_is_forrest_gumps_password_for_everything/
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Confession

A woman takes her lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy: I have a baseball.
Man: That's nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No thanks.
Boy: My dad's outside.
Man: Okay, how much?
Boy: $250
In the next few weeks, it happens again and the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: $750
Man: Sold.
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: $1000
The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door...
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y5jl3/confession/
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I never misspell words.

My blood is typo negative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y58f1/i_never_misspell_words/
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A teacher calls up her first grade class from recess

She she says to little Sally
-"Sally, what did you do at recess?"
-"I played in the sand box"
-"If you can spell the word "sand" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
So she spells it and enjoys a cookie
Then comes in Jimmy so the teacher says
-"Jimmy, what did you do at recess?"
-"I played in the sandbox with Sally"
-"If you can spell "box" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
So he spells it and enjoys a cookie
Then Tyrone comes in
-"Tyrone, what did you do at recess"
-"Sally and Jimmy threw rocks at me!"
-"wow that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y56ok/a_teacher_calls_up_her_first_grade_class_from/
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What do you get when you cross a gay man and a Jew?

A hit Broadway musical!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y54rj/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_gay_man_and_a_jew/
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I like my women like I like my soda

WITHOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S DICKS IN IT YOU DUMB BITCH COURTNEY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y54mz/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_soda/
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What bounces and makes children sad?

The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y53m9/what_bounces_and_makes_children_sad/
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Dear Diet Coke,

I feel like you're overreacting.
Sincerely,
Mentos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y4zr1/dear_diet_coke/
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Texas Patrol...

Two red necks are speeding through Texas. They fly by a Texas patrol officer who hits the cherries and pulls them over.
The cop approaches the driver who rolls down his window and drawls a defiant- "Whaaat?"
Without saying a word, the officer puts out his baton and whacks the guy in the face. Hard. "Oh, damn, man! What the hell?!?"
The officer then walks over to the passenger side and taps on the glass with his stick. The kid slides the glass down and before he can open his mouth, the officer hits him just as hard!
"Wha... What the hell was THAT for?!?"
"Why I was just making your wish come true, boy."
"What the hell you talk in' about?!"
The cop takes off his sunglasses and wipes them casually on his shirt:
"Well, son, I just know you wouldn't have gotten a mile down the road before you turned to your friend and said- "I sure wish he woulda' tried that shit with me!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y4qjz/texas_patrol/
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How Do You Know Someone Is A PC Gamer?

You don't, they tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y4lh9/how_do_you_know_someone_is_a_pc_gamer/
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What happens if you mix sesame street and Star Wars?

Cookie Wookies.
X-post /r/showerthoughts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y4k83/what_happens_if_you_mix_sesame_street_and_star/
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There once was a lady who lived in a yellow house...

Everything in the house was yellow, yellow bricks, a yellow walkway, yellow stairs, a yellow door, yellow walls, yellow ceilings, yellow floors, yellow furniture and yellow utensils.
One day, she walked into her yellow house through the yellow door, down the yellow hall and sat down in her yellow rocking chair. Suddenly, the yellow phone rang. She jumped up and grabbed the yellow receiver and placed it on her ear and said, yellow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y4i9x/there_once_was_a_lady_who_lived_in_a_yellow_house/
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Where would man be without a woman?

In the garden of Eden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y4hdn/where_would_man_be_without_a_woman/
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A faculty of engineering professors are invited to board a plane

After everyone had been seated, they were all informed that the plane had been designed and built by their own students. Upon learning this information, the professors got up and began running desperately to get out of the plane, almost in panic. Only one professor stayed serene in his place. When asked why he remained so calm, the professor replied: "I know the capacity of my students, if it really was them that built this plane, then I have full confidence that this piece of shit isn't even going to turn on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y4cac/a_faculty_of_engineering_professors_are_invited/
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I think I forgot my gmail password.

Yo CIA could you DM it to me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y400k/i_think_i_forgot_my_gmail_password/
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How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y3usm/how_do_you_tell_if_op_has_left_the_hotel/
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Life is like a gay bar...

...confusing and full of dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y3tky/life_is_like_a_gay_bar/
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

"Aye, matey"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y3ruw/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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I just ate my USB

It only took 1 byte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y3rn0/i_just_ate_my_usb/
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Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am."
Interviewer: "What's 15x26?"
Me: "46"
Interviewer: "That's not even close!"
Me: "Yeah, but it was fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y3r3m/interviewer_i_heard_you_were_extremely_quick_at/
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Did you hear about the gay midget?

He came out of the cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y3qpq/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_midget/
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One day, Jesus is walking around in heaven...

When he meets Saint Peter. After talking for a while, he finds that Saint Peter hates his job. Jesus agrees to take over Saint Peter's job for a day.
After sending a few people to heaven, a short ill-seeing old man approaches Jesus. Jesus thinks to himself "I recognize this man. But where from?"
The man tells Jesus that he's looking for his son.
"Describe your son." Jesus says
The man speaks "Well, he helped me with my carpenter shop."
Jesus begins to think.
"He also always seemed to hang around the wrong crowd, particularly people who didn't really like him."
Jesus begins getting more excited.
"And I remember last I saw him, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus, overcome with joy, throws his arms around the man and yells "Father!"
The man looks up at Jesus and says "Pinocchio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y3p7k/one_day_jesus_is_walking_around_in_heaven/
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The Mrs just said Gavin from Autoglass came round & injected special resin into her crack.

I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't got a car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y3p0x/the_mrs_just_said_gavin_from_autoglass_came_round/
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I heard tomorrow was "A Day Without Women"

That's every day for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y3oh9/i_heard_tomorrow_was_a_day_without_women/
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My wife has a contract to give lectures...

It's called a marriage license

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y3nqp/my_wife_has_a_contract_to_give_lectures/
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What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Hung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y3ljj/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_with_fat_fingers/
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How does one question the sanity of the fastest man alive?

U Sain Bolt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y3jod/how_does_one_question_the_sanity_of_the_fastest/
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When I saw the letters "HI" in the alphabet, I thought someone wanted to be my friend.

Then I saw the next two letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y3j3u/when_i_saw_the_letters_hi_in_the_alphabet_i/
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A man and his wife finish dinner; she goes to clear his plate when he grabs her hand softly.

"Let's make love. Right now." The wife responds to the request tepidly, "But I have to clean up." The husband begs, "Can't it wait?" The wife relents.
They are having sex when the man asks for a blow job. She remembers the mess in the kitchen and, seeing an opportunity, says, "Okay, but I don't want to see a single dish in that sink tonight." He eagerly agrees.
The wife gives her husband a blow job, and when she's done, the man pulls out a blindfold. Surprised, the wife purrs, "What are you going to do to me?"
Perplexed, the husband responds: "You said you didn't want to see the dishes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y3g2o/a_man_and_his_wife_finish_dinner_she_goes_to/
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Hey girl are you a communist?

Because I feel a rise in my lower class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y38gh/hey_girl_are_you_a_communist/
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Two terrorists having discussion in a bar.

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about? Terrorist: We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a mouse.. Waiter: Why a mouse? Then one terrorist says to the other, "See, I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y36jc/two_terrorists_having_discussion_in_a_bar/
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Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day

Tell a redditor a joke he will repost for a lifetime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y365h/tell_a_man_a_joke_he_will_laugh_for_a_day/
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What's the difference between an Al Qaeda base and a Pakistani school?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y35rs/whats_the_difference_between_an_al_qaeda_base_and/
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My friend just wrote "I love my girlfriend <3" on his status

I know he likes them young, but that's just fucking ridiculous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y35jl/my_friend_just_wrote_i_love_my_girlfriend_3_on/
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My girlfriend said we could have a threesome for my birthday.

I was really excited until she told me I could also pick the guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y35bf/my_girlfriend_said_we_could_have_a_threesome_for/
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What's the difference between a Piano, a Tuna, and a tub of Glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna. As for the glue... well I knew you'd get stuck on that one.
This joke might seem a little fishy, but I find it key to tell a joke that can really stick with people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y34qn/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_a_tuna_and_a/
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Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know what home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y33p6/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y31r3/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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How do lady Republicans get by without birth control?

Nobody wants to fuck them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y30bb/how_do_lady_republicans_get_by_without_birth/
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Snake: *Hissssssss*

Feminist: *Hersssss* you stupid shit, *herss*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y2zz5/snake_hissssssss/
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I went on a rollercoaster and the woman next to me wouldn't stop screaming.

Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y2yv1/i_went_on_a_rollercoaster_and_the_woman_next_to/
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A 5 years old girl is walking alone through a remote country road

She is pulling a cow along using a rope. The priest is riding his horse in the opposite direction, and sees the unusual scene. Worried about a child so small walking by herself and dealing with such a big animal, he stops by her and asks:
"Hello, dear kid! What are you doing alone in such a remote place?"
"I'm taking this cow for the bull to fuck her! ", answers the little girl, as if that was common business for her.
The priest almost fell off his horse with such surprising response, and tries to argue further in spite of his blushing face:
"But don't you think this task would be better suited for your father?"
The girl thinks for a couple of seconds, and finally says:
"Nah, Father; the bull will *definitely* do it better!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y2xci/a_5_years_old_girl_is_walking_alone_through_a/
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Sex with a twist

So one night a father is up at 5am waiting for his son. The son creeps in the door. The father asks "Where have you been?" The son replies "Well Dad I was out with some friends tonight and you know what I had sex". The father is overcome with delight so he opens a bottle of expensive brandy has a drink with his son smokes a cigar and they both go asleep. Next night the son comes back late his dad eagerly waiting for him. The son steps in the door & his father proud as ever asks him "So son you get lucky again tonight?" The son replies "There's no way I'd be able to have sex tonight my ass is still killing me from the last time".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y2uzu/sex_with_a_twist/
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If Mississippi went to Missouri for a New Jersey what did Delaware ?

Don't know, Alaska

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y2uwl/if_mississippi_went_to_missouri_for_a_new_jersey/
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Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health.

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door.
'Sure,' his wife said. 'It will cost you $500.'
'That much?'
'But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town.'
'I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350,' the man countered.
'Sorry,' she shrugged. 'You can't have Juan without the otter.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y2rlu/juan_vega_the_clam_diver_found_an_injured_sea/
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Optimist: "This glass is half-full." Pessimist: "This glass is half-empty."

EA Employee: "Download the next half for $9.99!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y2opj/optimist_this_glass_is_halffull_pessimist_this/
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Little Johnny is walking down the street smoking a cigar

A man stops him and says "young man, how old are you?"
Little Johnny responds "6 years old"
The man, aghast, tells little johnny "that is far too young to be smoking; when did you pick up that vile habit!?!?"
Little Johnny furrows his brow for a moment, "Sometime after I got laid the first time."
The man, floored by the response, asks "How old were you when you got laid the for the first time, little boy?!?!?"
Little Johnny says "How the fuck would I know, I was drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y2ok9/little_johnny_is_walking_down_the_street_smoking/
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A hospital patient made several false alarm trips to the bathroom...

A hospital patient made several false alarm trips to the bathroom and decided the latest episode was another and stayed in bed.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
A policeman walked by and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, staring down at his feet, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y2ofc/a_hospital_patient_made_several_false_alarm_trips/
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The fastest thing in the world

Four men go for a job interview.
The first one is called into the office, and the boss asks him a question: "What's the fastest thing in the world?"
The man thinks for a moment before answering, and finally says, "A thought!"
"Interesting answer," says the boss.
"Yeah, it just pops in your head immediately," the guy says.
He is dismissed from the office, and number 2 comes in.
The boss asks the same question, and the man thinks for a moment.
"A blink!  It happens in a split second!"
The boss, satisfied with that answer, calls in the next guy.
The boss asks the same question again, and the man thinks about it for a minute.
"Light!" He said.  "You flip a switch on a wall and the light just comes on immediately."
The boss, feeling satisfied with all answers so far, calls in the final guy.  He hopes this guy has a great answer because he's torn between the first three.
The man sits down and the boss asks, "What's the fastest thing in the world?"
The man thinks and thinks and thinks some more, and finally says, "Diarrhea!"
"Diarrhea!?" The boss exclaims.  "How on earth do you figure diarrhea is the fastest thing in the world?"
The man quickly replies, "Well, the other night I got a terrible stomach cramp all of a sudden.  I took off running to the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on a light, I shit all over myself!"
He was hired on the spot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y2fw5/the_fastest_thing_in_the_world/
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What's the fastest way to retrieve forgotten password?

@CIACustomerService

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y2fid/whats_the_fastest_way_to_retrieve_forgotten/
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Party guy

A guy goes out after work with some buds. An hour in and his friend notices all he's drinking is ginger ale.
"What's up with this?"
"Aww, I have to stay straight. Every time I get shit-faced, I end up vomiting all over myself and my wife knows I've been out drinking with the boys."
"Oh, please! Listen- enjoy yourself! Here 's what you do: Tuck a $50 bill in your front pocket, and should the worst happen, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on your shirt and gave you $50 for the dry cleaning!"
"Wow! That would totally work!"
The guy staggers home at midnight, shirt covered in fresh vomit.
"Oh", says his wife. "I see you're drunk again. How nice!"
"No! You got it all wrong! I had to work late, and as I was getting off the subway, some drunk walks up and pukes all over me! But here- look! He gave me $50 for the dry cleaning!"
The wife gingerly reaches into his pocket and extracts two, $50 bills.
"Hey- you said he gave you $50. There's $100 here?"
"Oh, yeah... the same guy also shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y2egz/party_guy/
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An airplane was about to crash

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said "I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y2ahj/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash/
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What does a Hawaiian suicide bomber say when he walks into a building?

ALOHA ACKBAR!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y28fz/what_does_a_hawaiian_suicide_bomber_say_when_he/
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A lady asks her pharmacist, "do you have cotton balls?" "Yes..."

She interrupted, before he could continue.   "Oh, I bet it's really quiet when you f*ck!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y27yg/a_lady_asks_her_pharmacist_do_you_have_cotton/
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Pregnant elephants

What is harder then getting a pregnant elephant into a  Volkswagen?
Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.
I'm taking a gunsmithing class and this was in the text book with no context. Just stuffed between a paragraph on slave pins and one on replacing firing pins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y2745/pregnant_elephants/
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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom

"You know what?" Says the 7 year old, "I think it's time we start swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, and then you."
"Okay." Says the 4 year old.
Mom asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
He replies, "I'll have the Cocoa Puffs, bitch.".
*WHACK!* He flew out his chair crying his eyes out.
"And what do you want?" She says to the 4 year old.
He says, "I don't know, but it sure as shit won't be fucking Cocoa Puffs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y24fu/a_7_year_old_and_a_4_year_old_are_in_their_bedroom/
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A Pollack walks into a chainsaw shop

He tells the chainsaw shop owner that he needs a cheap saw that will cut at least a half of a cord of wood a day. The chainsaw shop owner tells the Pollack that he has just what the man is looking for. The owner explains that his bottom of the line chainsaw is cheap and is guaranteed to cut a half of a cord of wood a day. The Pollack, happy with the price, buys the chainsaw and heads home to cut the wood.
The next day, the Pollack comes back to the chainsaw shop with the chainsaw and tells the owner, "I was only able to cut a quarter of a cord of wood with this piece of crap!" The owner, shrugs his shoulders and says "hmmm, that's strange. Well I will sell you a higher quality chainsaw at the same price as the cheap one for your troubles. This chainsaw is a step above the last one, and its guaranteed to cut 3/4 of a cord of wood a day!" The Pollack took the new chainsaw home and proceeded to cut the wood.
The next day, the Pollack barged into the chainsaw shop and angrily told the owner "This damn thing only barely cut more than a quarter of a cord of wood for me! I want my money back!" The chainsaw shop owner was confused and really wanted to help the Pollack with his dilemma so he told the Pollack... " I'll tell you what, I will let you take our highest end chainsaw. It is guaranteed to cut 2 cords of wood a day!" The Pollack, smiled and took the high end chainsaw home and proceeded to cut wood all day and through the night.
Tired and bruised, the Pollack stumbled into the chainsaw shop the next morning and threw the high end chainsaw on the counter. The chainsaw shop owner looked at the chainsaw, worn and covered in sap and dirt, the. Looked at the Pollack confused. The Pollack, tired and weary told the chainsaw shop owner.. "it only cut a cord of wood for me...." The chainsaw shop owner was frustrated and grabbed the high end chainsaw from the counter and said " Let me see this thing!" And yanked the cord to start the chainsaw. When the chainsaw revved up, the Pollack, frightened, put his hands over his ears and yelled... "WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT NOISE!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y22ve/a_pollack_walks_into_a_chainsaw_shop/
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Did you see what Sam did at the talent show?

Sam sung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y1zv8/did_you_see_what_sam_did_at_the_talent_show/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y1zht/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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Oxygen and Potassium had sex.

It was OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y1xns/oxygen_and_potassium_had_sex/
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Wanna hear a joke about Oxygen and Potassium?

OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y1ro4/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_oxygen_and_potassium/
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What do foods do both cannibals and normal people eat?

Baby back ribs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y1pj8/what_do_foods_do_both_cannibals_and_normal_people/
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Went to the doctor's the other day

and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y1k2i/went_to_the_doctors_the_other_day/
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John Cena wakes up in the hospital...

He asked the nurse, "Where am I?"
The nurse replied, "ICU."
He looks at her and says, "No you can't..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y1dtj/john_cena_wakes_up_in_the_hospital/
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God's working too many long hours and decides he needs a break.

So he goes to his travel agent to get some recommendations.
God asks the agent where he should go and the agent says, "How about the Moon? It's supposed to be all the rage right now, and it's only going to get more crowded."
God thinks about it and says, "No... I'd like to go somewhere with a little more atmosphere."
So the agents says, "Okay, well how about Mars? It's really nice this time of year."
God considers it for a second and then says, "Naw... I'd really like to go somewhere with lots of water."
The agent goes, "Oh well I've got the perfect place, how about Earth? It's got beautiful water and lots of atmosphere!"
God thinks about it again before saying, "Not that place!  I went there a couple thousand years ago, knocked up some Jewish girl and they're still talking about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y1btx/gods_working_too_many_long_hours_and_decides_he/
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I take the bus to school

So every morning I take the bus to campus. On the way, it stops by the local prison.
This morning, while we were stopped by the prison, I heard a loud crash. I look to my right and I see what used to be a window, now shattered.
I'm looking at the window, and I see some rope fly out. Following the rope, I see an inmate. A rather small inmate. As a matter of fact, the man was a dwarf.
I stared at him in awe. As he made his way down the rope towards freedom, he notice me observing him. He gave me the stink eye. I thought to myself:
Wow, that's a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y1b5f/i_take_the_bus_to_school/
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A man dies ...

A man dies. When he arrives at the gates of Heaven, Saint Peter is welcoming him. The saint started to walk him throug heavens, where he could eat, sleep, and all the other pleasures heaven has to offer. At one point, they reached a room full of clocks. Most of them were moving, but all on a different speed. The man asked Peter "What are these clocks?" and Peter smiled "These are lying-clocks. Whenever a person lies, his clock will go forth one second. Look, there is Jesus clock, it still stands at midnight. There, Mother Theresa, just 3 seconds in, and there Gandhi, not even 5 seconds." The man walked amazed through the room, but at one point he turned around "Hey, where is Trump's clock?? "Trump? Well, our ventilation broke down, so we use his as blower."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y1apg/a_man_dies/
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While in my gender studies class, I got asked how, in society, lesbians should be viewed...

Apparently, 'in HD' wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y17bs/while_in_my_gender_studies_class_i_got_asked_how/
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The last twenty five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.

For instance, i've lived through more 'Spiderman' re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y0vie/the_last_twenty_five_years_have_been_a_bizarre/
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How did the first Ethiopian get to the moon?

He was tinkering with an elastic band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y0u01/how_did_the_first_ethiopian_get_to_the_moon/
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What concert costs .45 cents?

50 Cent with Nickleback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y0tsj/what_concert_costs_45_cents/
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What happens to someone when they overdose on Viagra?

They die hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y0tl9/what_happens_to_someone_when_they_overdose_on/
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This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.

I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".
I didn't bother leaving a tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y0ocj/this_barista_at_starbucks_looked_so_nervous_as/
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A white supremacist billionaire starts donating to minority groups

There was a white supremacist billionaire who, in his old age, finally started to donate to minority groups in privately funded affirmative action programs.
First, he donated so that all minorities in America can have free abortions. The liberals were overjoyed that disadvantaged groups can now afford unlimited abortions.
Then, he donated so that all minorities in America will have their legal expenses fully paid for in no-fault divorce courts.
As a further surprise, he donated to a national feminist organization specialized in helping minority women become strong, capable, and independent.
Finally, he donated the rest of his wealth one last time to fully pay for the weddings for all minority gay and lesbian couples.
In a banquet held in his honour, the liberals thanked the man and asked him why he suddenly had a change of heart.
The man said, "No need to thank me. I'm just glad to finally get you cockroaches to stop breeding."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y0o3y/a_white_supremacist_billionaire_starts_donating/
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Dark humour is like food

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y0nru/dark_humour_is_like_food/
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Which is the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has many stories.
Okay, I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y0kcv/which_is_the_tallest_building_in_the_world/
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Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?

Obviously not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y0jhk/do_you_know_the_one_step_to_avoiding_clickbait/
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Grandpa and grandson are sitting on the front porch

*Grandpa lights up a cigarette.*
Boy: can I have one of those cigarettes?
Grandpa: is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?
Boy: No.
Grandpa: then you're not a man yet and can't have a cigarette. These are just for me.
*Grandpa cracks open a beer.*
Boy: can I get a sip of that beer?
Grandpa: is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?
Boy: No.
Grandpa: then you're not a man yet. You can't have a beer. These are just for me.
*grandma brings out a fresh baked plate of cookies*
Grandpa: boy, let me have one of those cookies.
Boy: is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?
Grandpa: yes, son. It is.
Boy: then go fuck yourself, grandma made these for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y0gck/grandpa_and_grandson_are_sitting_on_the_front/
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When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..

..take it out, flip it over and lower again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y0b5d/when_the_creator_of_usb_drive_will_die_theyll/
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A department store was opened to sell Husbands. The store had 6 floors...

Now the rule was you could purchase any husband from any floor, but once you went up to another level you could not go back down, but to exit the store.
A lady entered and the sign on the first floor said 'men with a job', she went up to the next level which read 'men with a job and likes kids'.
Impressed she then went up another level where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids and has a romantic streak', she liked the sound of that, but proceeded to the next level where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids, romantic and good looking'.
She was really impressed now but went on to the fifth floor where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids, romantic, absolutely gorgeous, and enjoys helping around the home'.
Now this lady was very impressed with that, but still she went on up to the sixth floor, and there on the sixth floor was a solitary sign which read...
You are the 3,00,450,701 woman to visit this floor, this demonstrates how women are impossible to please. Thank you for visiting the Husband store. Have a nice day.
Directly across the road from the Husbands store was another department store that sold Wives. And, similar to the Husbands store, this store had 6 floors where you could purchase a Wife on any level, but if you went up a floor you couldn't go back down and had to exit.
So, a bloke walks into the store and on the first floor reads the following sign: "Women who like sex".
Impressed the guy goes up to the second floor where he meets a similar sign, but this one reads: "Women who like sex and are good looking."
No man has ever gone to the third floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y0ay5/a_department_store_was_opened_to_sell_husbands/
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The person who created the sign "CAUTION HOT SURFACE"...

...in braille, was an evil genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y06ai/the_person_who_created_the_sign_caution_hot/
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Optimist: "This glass is half full"

Pessimist: "This glass is half empty"
Feminist: "This glass is raping me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y04q0/optimist_this_glass_is_half_full/
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A 5 years old girl enters the supermarket...

...grabs 4 beers and goes to the cash desk. The lady smiles at her and asks:
"Do you think you can carry all four of them all by yourself?"
The little girls thinks for a second and says:
"Yeah, you're right. I'll drink one here before I go"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y020o/a_5_years_old_girl_enters_the_supermarket/
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Degrees

The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y01qv/degrees/
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That's the last time I'll do my Sean Connery impression...

...and tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5y00dp/thats_the_last_time_ill_do_my_sean_connery/
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A kid doctor is called a pediatrician, and an animal lover is a zoophile, what do you call someone who loves kids.

A Priest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzwr0/a_kid_doctor_is_called_a_pediatrician_and_an/
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My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex".

But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzvey/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
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On a late Saturday evening

in a pub, a man and a woman, total strangers to each other, met in a bar. As usual, they talked, drank, flirted … and eventually as the evening progressed, they started kissing. With the natural flow of things, they ended up in his apartment. Before things were getting hot, she disappeared quickly into the bathroom, to check on herself and to fresh up before having sex with him, only to discover that she was about to get her period. However, as she was really into the guy and highly aroused, she decided not to mention anything to him as he seemed to be drunk enough not to notice it anyway.
The following morning, he wakes up, with a searing pain piercing his temples and spreading across his entire head. He only vaguely recalls the events from last night. When he discovers the huge pool of blood on the bed sheets, he really gets freaked out. Desperate and anxious he concludes that he must have murdered the poor girl from last evening and he somehow has disposed her body somewhere. He needs to find the murder weapon and to get rid of any traces. However, he can't remember what he might have used as the murder weapon. First, he checks his pistol he keeps on his bedside table. Nope, all cartridges are there, not a single bullet was fired. Relieved, he says to himself "Well, luckily, I haven't shot her. But what else could I have done to her?" Then it strikes him: "It must have been a knife. I stabbed her to death" he screams and runs into the kitchen, opens all draws and checks all knifes. However, there are no traces of blood and no knife is missing. Relieved but puzzled, he concludes again: "Well, luckily, I haven't stabbed her to death".
Exhausted and without any idea what to do next; he decides to have a cold shower and get his head straight. As he enters the bathroom and takes a quick look in the mirror, he screams: "Shit, I must have eaten her alive!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzu9h/on_a_late_saturday_evening/
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What do you call a russian bull?

A Moscow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xztco/what_do_you_call_a_russian_bull/
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If minerals were people, who would be the poorest?

Stibnite, because it's antimony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzsen/if_minerals_were_people_who_would_be_the_poorest/
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"Rabbi, why are the Jews so hated?"

At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old Rabbi: "Rabbi, why do people hate us so much?" The Rabbi thinks for a while and says "That is an interesting question. We will all talk about it tomorrow over some vodka! Each one of you shall bring a bottle of fine vodka, so we can mix it all up in a big pot and drink, discuss, and then the answer will be clear."
The young Jew went home and thought to himself "if everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vodka, I'll just bring a bottle of water and no one will be the wiser." Next day the young Jew showed up with a vodka bottle filled with water, anxious to see what answer the Rabbi would provide to his question. The Rabbi started to pour all the vodka together in one pot and began stirring it. The young Jew got impatient - "Please, Rabbi! What is the answer to my question? Why do people hate us so much?" The Rabbi then filled a cup, gave it to the young Jew and said "Drink this now!" The young Jew drank the cup and said "But this is just wat**e**r!" And the Rabbi said "and that is why the p**e**opl**e** hat**e** us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzs9z/rabbi_why_are_the_jews_so_hated/
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I was thinking the other day ...

So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzrft/i_was_thinking_the_other_day/
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Last night I dreamed that I was weightless!

I was like, 0mg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzkvw/last_night_i_dreamed_that_i_was_weightless/
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe out of that thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzjn9/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
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Where do suicide bombers go after they detonate?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzjkp/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_after_they_detonate/
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What's the hardest thing about finding out that your sister has aids?

Acting surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzj4y/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_finding_out_that/
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A koala was getting stoned on a tree

When suddenly a small lizard appears and asks "hey man! What are you doing?"
"I'm getting stoned!" Replies the koala. "Wanna join?"
So the lizard climbs up the tree and smokes with the koala. Suddenly, he feels very thirsty so he tells the koala he's going down to the river to drink and that he will be back in a second, but he is so stoned he falls in to the river he's drinking from!
A crocodile notices and asks "hey what are you doing!"
"I'm sorry" said the lizard timidly
"I'm too high to keep balance!"
"Who gave you the drugs?" Asked the crocodile
"The koala on the tree."
The crocodile makes his way towards the tree, angered that drugs are being used. He sees the koala smoking away and sternly asks
"Hey you! What do you think you're doing?"
The koala stares at the large crocodile confused and finally replies.
"Holy shit dude.... How much water did you drink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzi0k/a_koala_was_getting_stoned_on_a_tree/
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Ms. Nugent, a retired widow went to the beach wearing a bra and thong.

Her husband had died a few years back and after years of mourning she decided it was time to get back in the game. And what better way than to go to the beach in a racy, sexy swimsuit to snag a man. In her youth, this plan never seemed to fail although in that time, they didn't have thongs.
At the sporting goods store she had considered buying a less revealing swimsuit, something that was more in line with the swimsuits she wore in her youth. "Oh to hell with it, I better keep up with the times" she said as she grabbed the bra and thong.
At the beach she felt as if all eyes were on her, every man and even women seemed to glare at her.
Oh how naughty she felt as the breeze kissed her bottom half, she felt practically naked and yet this type of attire was considered normal in this day and age. It felt so wrong she thought to herself. That string riding right up there and so little fabric to cover her naked skin.
At that moment a seed of doubt started to root itself in the back of her mind. "What if people think it unfitting for a women of my age to wear such sexy swimwear." What if the glaring eyes she had noticed early'er were from disapproval, and not desire.
Could it be, that in these liberal age, people still frowned on an older woman wearing a thong to the beach?
"Well to hell with them if they don't approve. Although I am of a mature age, I am still a woman."
As she kept walking she noticed even more wide eyes glaring at her nether region. And she identified that the onlookers expression did not communicate desire, but rather surprise and shock.
A young man standing with his surfboard was particularly indiscreet and stared at her with wide eyes. A look of surprise and fear in his face as he kept staring.
Ms. Nugent had had enough, what is wrong with these young people today? Was there an age limit to wearing a thong? Were only young and beautiful women allowed to wear them?
She stormed towards the young man who looked even more terrified than before.
"What is wrong with you boy? Have you never seen an older woman in a thong before?! Does it offend you? Am I not grandmotherly enough then?!
The young man hesitated for a few moments but in the end he managed to stutter out. "Ehh, no mam. Its just that, well... You got the bottoms on backwards, the string is supposed to go in the back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzhy4/ms_nugent_a_retired_widow_went_to_the_beach/
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"Doctor, Doctor I think I have a disease" said the Lemon

"I'm so sorry to tell you this", replies the doctor, "You've got Lemonaids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzgyl/doctor_doctor_i_think_i_have_a_disease_said_the/
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Where's the highest density of Jews in the world right now?

In the stratosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzfds/wheres_the_highest_density_of_jews_in_the_world/
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Why should you never date someone with a lazy-eye?

Because you never know if they're seeing someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzdgb/why_should_you_never_date_someone_with_a_lazyeye/
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What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

The painting is real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzcxl/what_is_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a/
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The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally gave her glue

She still isn't talking to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzcnd/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
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So my cat can lick his balls. And that's fine.

But when I do it, suddenly it's gross and they call me zoophile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xzagd/so_my_cat_can_lick_his_balls_and_thats_fine/
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I'm a lot like a mirror.

People always just stare at me in disappointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xz4l9/im_a_lot_like_a_mirror/
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[Long] HOW DOES THE CHINESE STAY PUT IN ITALY

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would have to leave.
The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked an old man named Ah Pek to represent them.
As Ah Pek was not conversant in Italian language, he asked for one condition to be added to the debate.
'To be fair', he said, 'neither side would be allowed to talk'. The Pope agreed.
On the day of the big debate, Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.
Then the Pope raised his hand and showed *three fingers*.
Ah Pek looked back at him and raised *one finger*.
The Pope *waved his fingers in a circle* around his head.
Ah Pek *pointed to the ground* at where he sat.
The Pope pulled out *a loaf and a glass of wine*.
Ah Pek pulled out an *apple*.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good in religious knowledge. The Chinese can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity." He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."
"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin."
"He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Chinese community also crowded around Ah Pek and asked him what's happened in the debate.
"Well", said Ah Pek, "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I raised my MIDDLE finger and asked him to fly kite, and that none of us was leaving."
"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here."
"Yes, and then?", asked the crowd.
"I don't know.", said Ah Pek, "He took out his *lunch*, so I took out mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xz22k/long_how_does_the_chinese_stay_put_in_italy/
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Young man and young lady dated and...

After few dating with young lady for some time, young man decides it is time to marry her.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.
On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.
The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?
Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xz15i/young_man_and_young_lady_dated_and/
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What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xz0g4/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
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rip

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xywcs/rip/
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A man dies and goes to heaven.

Once he goes through the pearly gates, he sees a wall of very large clocks.
He asks a nearby angel, "What are all these clocks for?"
The angel responds, "These are lie clocks. Every person on earth has one. Every time they lie, their clock ticks."
The man asks, "Where's my clock?"
The angel points to it and says, "A few hours have passed--it looks like you lied some, but obviously not enough to disqualify you from being here."
The man then points towards another clock and asks, "Whose clock is this?"
The angel replies, "This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved because she has never told a lie."
The man then asks, "Where's Donald Trump's clock?"
The angel says, "Oh, I use that one in my room as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xyw4e/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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My husband is allergic to our cat, so I have to give him away :/

He's a sweet-natured ginger, comes when called, well-trained, and works in IT. 28 years old, answers to "Kevin".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xyv7a/my_husband_is_allergic_to_our_cat_so_i_have_to/
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A man buys a parrot for $2,500

The minute he brings the parrot into his house, the bird starts cussing at him, screaming, yelling and calling him every degrading name in the book.
Day in, day out, all the parrot does is give the poor guy a hard time.
The man tries to be nice, he tries pleading with the parrot, he tries disciplining the bird. Nothing works. The parrot gets worse and worse every day.
One day, the man had enough. During a particularly nasty rant from the parrot, he grabs the bird and shoves it in the freezer. He sits down on the couch for a few minutes to calm down. Finally, he goes to check on his parrot. He takes the bird out of the freezer and it's a new parrot who has nothing but respect and admiration for him.
Day in, day out, the parrot gets nicer and nicer to the man. Finally, he asks the parrot what changed during his 4 minutes in the freezer.
**I saw what happened to the chicken!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xyr80/a_man_buys_a_parrot_for_2500/
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Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and Sex Education on the same day in the Middle East?

They don't want to wear out the camel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xyqr5/why_dont_they_teach_drivers_ed_and_sex_education/
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A story of two blondes

Two blondes were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Betty.
"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second blonde hands the first her money.
"I can't take your money," said Betty. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said Amber. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xyprl/a_story_of_two_blondes/
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My friend was sad and complaining to me about how she's having trouble losing weight.

"The change isn't immediate", I told her. "Just keep your chins up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xymy8/my_friend_was_sad_and_complaining_to_me_about_how/
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An old military joke

Two groups of friends walk into a bar. One group are all men in the Navy and the other group are all men in the Air Force. The groups notice each other but pay no mind to it and go about their business. As the night goes on, one of the Navy guys goes to take a piss. At around the same time, an Air Force guy goes to the bathroom as well. They both take a piss and don't say anything to each other. The Navy man finishes first and starts to wash his hands. The Air Force guy finishes, walks past the Navy guy washing his hands, and heads for the door.
As the Air Force guy is about to leave, the Navy guy says "you know, in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after we use the bathroom."
The Air Force guy calmly turns around, looks the Navy guy dead in the face and says " you know, in the Air Force, they teach us not to piss on our hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xyjss/an_old_military_joke/
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I said Hi to a feminist.

The trial is next week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xyim7/i_said_hi_to_a_feminist/
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I got kicked out of a titty club.

The stripper started yelling at me for using fake money, so I yelled at her for using fake titties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xyhp8/i_got_kicked_out_of_a_titty_club/
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Another bar joke...

Man walks into a bar. He notices a jar with money in it over the bar. He asks the bartender what the money's for.
Bartender says, "Oh, we've got ourselves a contest here, y'see...You pay $10, but if you beat all 3 challenges, you win all the money."
"What's the contest?" the man asks.
"First, you've gotta knock out Bruno with one shot," the bartender says - pointing to the 6'6, 300 lb dim-witted bouncer. "Then, we take you out back to the kennel, where our doberman has an impacted wisdom tooth, and you have to remove it. Finally, you have to have sex with Agnes," he continued, pointing to a mummy-like elderly woman in the corner, "until she has an orgasm."
"Screw that," the man says. "That's way too tough!" But, a few drinks in, he'd gotten his Irish courage up, and he dropped his $10 in the jar.
He leapt up, ran over to Bruno and - summoning all his strength, caught the bouncer completely by surprise, knocking him out with one punch. The crowd - sensing the possibilities, began cheering him on, as they led him to the back kennel.
Once the door was shut, the crowd heard horrible growling sounds coming from the dog, punctuated, finally, by a loud *squeak*.
The door opened, and the man stepped out and said, "Ok, now where's the woman with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xygf0/another_bar_joke/
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What's the best thing about Switzerland?

Don’t know, but the flag’s a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xybb7/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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Yo Mamma's so Fat...

That when she jumped in the pacific, Japan said "not again".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xy3dm/yo_mammas_so_fat/
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Yesterday, my grandpa bought a book called "how to prevent Alzheimer's disease"

He bought one today, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xy3ak/yesterday_my_grandpa_bought_a_book_called_how_to/
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An old farmer is sitting on his porch

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xy092/an_old_farmer_is_sitting_on_his_porch/
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What's the worst advice to give someone with HIV?

Stay positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xxwzr/whats_the_worst_advice_to_give_someone_with_hiv/
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There was a mexican magician...

...Who said "On the count of three, I will vanish!"
And so he counted, "Uno... Dos..."
And then he vanished, without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xxtop/there_was_a_mexican_magician/
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What's the Mafias favorite game?

whack a mole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xxssc/whats_the_mafias_favorite_game/
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My friend told me I'm average

I thought it was mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xxs90/my_friend_told_me_im_average/
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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xxrm0/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_to_israel_to_live/
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Cop pulls over a couple

Cop: Your back tail light is out
Husband: I didn't know. I'll get it fixed tomorrow.
Wife:I told you two days ago to get it fixed.
Cop: Sir, your license is also expired.
Husband: I didn't realize that.
Wife: I told you last week that the state sent you a letter about that.
Husband: Honey, can you keep your damn mouth shut ?
Cop: Does your husband always talk to you like that ?
Wife: No. Only when he's drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xxrj4/cop_pulls_over_a_couple/
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There is only one thing worse than waking up after a party to find a penis drawn on your face

Finding out that it was traced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xxnru/there_is_only_one_thing_worse_than_waking_up/
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I like my women like my sunglasses.

Sitting on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xxn9i/i_like_my_women_like_my_sunglasses/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I accidentally put on dirty socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xxn4z/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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Buying condoms

I was going over to my girlfriends so I stopped at the drug store to get condoms. I get to the counter and the cashier asks if I need a bag and I responded with nah don't worry about it she isn't that ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xxl31/buying_condoms/
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What is an english teacher's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xxbc0/what_is_an_english_teachers_favorite_drink/
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So they say a Harriet Tubman's face is going on the $20 bill.

Excellent, I can't wait to start using black people as currency again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xxb57/so_they_say_a_harriet_tubmans_face_is_going_on/
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Did you hear about the blind guy who fell into a well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xxawa/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_guy_who_fell_into_a/
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What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xxadq/what_do_you_do_if_you_come_across_a_tiger_in_the/
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I pride myself on knowing the difference between your and you're.

So their you have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xx7se/i_pride_myself_on_knowing_the_difference_between/
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Paul Ryan is never known to skip Leg Day

But is nowhere to be found on spine day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xx7fd/paul_ryan_is_never_known_to_skip_leg_day/
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Two statues are in a garden...

Two statues have been standing for hundreds of years facing each other in a garden. One day, a wizard casts a spell on them allowing them to be real humans for just one hour.
As soon as they come to life, one of the statues signals to the nearby forest and says, "So...you wanna--?" The other nods and they run off into the forest.
Forty minutes later, they return to the garden and realize they have twenty more minutes of life. One turns to the other and says, "Should we do it one more time?"
The other replies, "Fine, but this time, YOU hold down the pigeon, and I'LL take a shit on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xx5r4/two_statues_are_in_a_garden/
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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.... [NSFW]

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xwv6h/i_told_my_boyfriend_we_could_watch_a_porn_for_his/
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The German representative is just about to sign the Treaty of Versailles ending the war.

The Allies representative: "So you take full responsibility for starting the war?"
German representative: "Yes, we take full responsibility for starting World War one"
Allies  representative: "one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xwujc/the_german_representative_is_just_about_to_sign/
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I've never heard a good circumcision joke.

They always get cut off right at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xwudp/ive_never_heard_a_good_circumcision_joke/
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What's the difference between a millennial and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xwtds/whats_the_difference_between_a_millennial_and_a/
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Originally, I was against getting a brain transplant

Then I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xws2p/originally_i_was_against_getting_a_brain/
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I've had some pain in my stomach ever since I ate those Radiohead and Arctic Monkeys CDs.

I think I've got indiegestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xwrnu/ive_had_some_pain_in_my_stomach_ever_since_i_ate/
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Did you hear about the gay man who got into a car accident?

Now he's both a fruit *and* a vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xwrfb/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_man_who_got_into_a_car/
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I took some Viagra before visiting a haunted house.

I was scared stiff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xwqwf/i_took_some_viagra_before_visiting_a_haunted_house/
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A blonde tried to commit suicide

Police found six bullet holes in her mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xwqd6/a_blonde_tried_to_commit_suicide/
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Boobs are like the sun...

Taking a quick look is fine, but staring is not.
Then again, that's what sunglasses are for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xwkc7/boobs_are_like_the_sun/
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I wonder what my grandfather used to do on his free time.

There was no tv, no internet...
Probably should ask one of my ten uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xwk3z/i_wonder_what_my_grandfather_used_to_do_on_his/
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Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.
Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xwjfq/told_by_a_7_year_old_boy_how_do_you_drop_on_an/
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An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up

and the Doctor said
"Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen."
The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The Doctor ask him, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him. " "He What?" She cried. "He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "AHA!!" She exclaimed.......... "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xwi45/an_80_year_old_man_went_for_his_annual_checkup/
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Sandwich crisis

3 men sitting on a metal beam at a building site, complaining about their sandwiches, one is English one is Scottish & ones Irish.
Scottish man says "ugh cheese again if I get this tomorrow I'm leaving my wife"
Next day the Scottish man gets cheese and phones his wife saying to pack her bags.
English man arrives later the same day and says "I just saw your wife crying I take it you dumped her, I'll follow your lead but one better if I get ham in my sandwich tomorrow I'll kill my wife"
Next day the English man gets ham, flips out goes home and kills his wife.
Later that day the Irish man asks if the Scottish mans heard the news and says "idea seems sound enough but I'll go one better if I get tuna tomorrow I'll jump of this beam and kill myself"
Next day comes and the Irish man gets tuna and fulfills his claim and jumps, so the Scottish man is at the funeral and sees the Irish mans wife laughing. Confused he asks why and she replies,
"Silly fucker makes his own sandwiches"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xwcwr/sandwich_crisis/
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In Shakesperean language, 'wit' was slang for a man's penis

It takes a new meaning to the motto of Ravenclaw house: "Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xw7kp/in_shakesperean_language_wit_was_slang_for_a_mans/
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A little girl was playing in the garden

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They’re mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That’s a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.
The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xw76a/a_little_girl_was_playing_in_the_garden/
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I went for a check-up the other day. The doctor said 'You've got to stop masturbating'

I said, 'Why?'
'Because I'm trying to examine you'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xw6ty/i_went_for_a_checkup_the_other_day_the_doctor/
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What do you call a guy who walks into a bar?

A headbanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xw0us/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_walks_into_a_bar/
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A duck walks into a bar...

...and asked the bar tender:
Duck: Hey, got any grapes?
Bartender: No.
The duck leaves. Next day he goes back.
Duck: Hey, got any grapes?
Bartender: No.
Duck leaves. Comes back the next day.
Duck: Hey, got any grapes!?
Bartender(slightly annoyed): No.
The duck leaves. Sure enough a day later he comes back.
Duck: Hey! Got any grapes!?
Bartender(finally has had enough): No! I don't have any grapes for you. And if you keep asking me I'm going to nail your bill to my counter.
The duck leaves. Then the next day he comes on in the bar and asks.
Duck: Hey! Got any nails?
Bartender: No.
Duck: GOT ANY GRAPES!?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvy4q/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore...

He asks the Muslim store owner, "Do you have that book, the one that explains Trump's Muslim Ban and illustrates points concerning his immigration policy?"  The Muslim owner responds,  "Get the fuck out of here you pig!  Get the fuck out and stay out!  And if you ever try to come back I'll personally beat your ass!"  The guy answers, "Yeah, that's the one, do you have it in paperback?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvwln/a_guy_walks_into_a_muslim_bookstore/
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I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvu9d/i_almost_got_caught_trying_to_steal_a_board_game/
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My penis is in the Guinness book of records.

At least it was till that book store lady kicked me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvu74/my_penis_is_in_the_guinness_book_of_records/
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Dont call it the Zelda franchise

Call it the Zelda chain because it has so many Links

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvryb/dont_call_it_the_zelda_franchise/
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Traffic stop

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvrit/traffic_stop/
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"BRRR!! It's cold in here!"

"Why don't you go sit in the corner?"
"Why would that help?"
"I dunno, it's always like 90° over there..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvqup/brrr_its_cold_in_here/
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How do you cover a doctor's mistake?

With soil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvpep/how_do_you_cover_a_doctors_mistake/
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I know a band that lives in the same apartment floor as me.

Like, 3 doors down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvolz/i_know_a_band_that_lives_in_the_same_apartment/
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I was in a cab once

And the driver starts by saying "I love my job, I own my business, work my own hours, and no one tells me what to do..." Then I said, "Turn left".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvobl/i_was_in_a_cab_once/
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Apparently I'm a plagiarist

in their words, not mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvo32/apparently_im_a_plagiarist/
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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvmj1/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
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Why was Asia mad at the President?

The President kept China in the cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvmgn/why_was_asia_mad_at_the_president/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide bomber?

The suicide bomber actually dose something when it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvlti/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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A hen walks into Subway

The sandwich artist says, "Sorry, we don't serve chicken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvlfs/a_hen_walks_into_subway/
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New job

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvl14/new_job/
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Magic dildo

For my line of work I have to travel a lot and my wife was okay with it at first, but after a while she started getting really lonely. I understood where she was coming from as I had become quite lonely going from hotel to hotel. Instead of letting something regrettable happen I told her let's go to Spencer's or somewhere and get you something to keep you company in my absence.
We go to the mall and walk into Spencer's and head towards the back where they keep their sex toys, strangely enough they only had one single thing and it was a plain white box with the text "magic dildo" on it and nothing else. So my wife grabs it and we go up to the counter to pay and the cashier rings it up and he just tells us to take it because their computers were messed up and he was quitting soon, so we didn't think twice and left.
On the ride home my wife driving, gets so excited to use her new toy she asked me to get it out of the box, and me being the quick thinker that I am, rip the box open. Inside there's an index card and a really basic looking dildo, the index card reads "say: magic dildo, __________" expecting nothing to happen my wife says "magic dildo please my pussy" and it flys out of my hand and into her skirt and she kind of started to freak out and swerve all over the road and almost immediately we saw police lights behind us.
She's really freaking out at this point, but it almost looks like she's enjoying it at the same time the cop walks up and taps on the window, and says "What were you doing swerving all over the road back there you could've hit someone!" My wife blurted out "there's a magic dildo in my pants right now, officer.... I don't know what to do." The officer replies "pffff. Magic dildo, my ass!"
TL;DR I travel a lot, my wife was lonely so we buy her a "magic dildo" turns out it's voice controlled, gets excited and uses it in car. Swerved all over road, gets pulled over. Cop doesn't believe her story and says "magic dildo, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvkgd/magic_dildo/
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A family walks into a hotel

. The father goes to the man at the front desk and says “I hope the porn is disabled”. The guy at the desk replies, “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvjuh/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
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I went on a date with a girl that I had a one-night stand with.

We arrived at the restaurant, sat down at our table and I scanned her face. She wasn't as attractive as I remembered.
As she looked through she menu, she said, "What are you having?"
I said, "Second thoughts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvjni/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_girl_that_i_had_a/
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A photographer had his lens fall off his camera

He was fined for indecent exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvirh/a_photographer_had_his_lens_fall_off_his_camera/
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What's the difference between snooker and society?

In snooker, black is the most valuable colour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvino/whats_the_difference_between_snooker_and_society/
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Leaving for the Crusades...

*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am
leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend yelling, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvhhv/leaving_for_the_crusades/
%
A man gets on a bus

, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvhbr/a_man_gets_on_a_bus/
%
My friend was having trouble with girls, so I told him there's plenty fish in the sea.

He's since been charged with bestiality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvglx/my_friend_was_having_trouble_with_girls_so_i_told/
%
Hi, welcome to Necrophiliac Club.

Who wants a cold one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvgg0/hi_welcome_to_necrophiliac_club/
%
Regular sex will make your day,

but anal sex will make your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvfsy/regular_sex_will_make_your_day/
%
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I'm serious, that Israeli what he does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xvb6y/how_does_moses_make_his_tea_hebrews_it/
%
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xv9on/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl?

Mr. President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xv8oh/what_do_you_call_a_70_year_old_man_trapped_in_the/
%
Pablo Escobar would be alive...

If not for those Medellín kids!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xv88j/pablo_escobar_would_be_alive/
%
What do you call a guy who's always in debt?

Owen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xv881/what_do_you_call_a_guy_whos_always_in_debt/
%
Jesus turned water into wine.

I turned wine into vomit.
Your turn Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xv4e8/jesus_turned_water_into_wine/
%
There are 11 people in this world...

Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who understand it enough to get this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xv0ek/there_are_11_people_in_this_world/
%
I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals.

fucking livid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xv0dc/i_cant_remember_what_51_6_and_500_are_in_roman/
%
My dad is like a unicorn

He's never here. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xuwj2/my_dad_is_like_a_unicorn/
%
Why do women and children get evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think in silence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xusi5/why_do_women_and_children_get_evacuated_first_in/
%
"So, what are your qualifications?"

"I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xupsw/so_what_are_your_qualifications/
%
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like boxes of chocolates..

they'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xunrb/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_boxes_of_chocolates/
%
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xuivj/what_do_you_call_a_wife_who_knows_where_her/
%
I do not have a mother or a father, but my only son just married my daughter? Who is my son?

A redneck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xuiba/i_do_not_have_a_mother_or_a_father_but_my_only/
%
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks...

"some asshole has my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xui3x/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
%
My wife was happy to hear I'd put a load in the dishwasher.

until 9 months later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xuhu9/my_wife_was_happy_to_hear_id_put_a_load_in_the/
%
A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xufrb/a_husband_and_wife_have_four_sons_the_oldest/
%
Australians don't have sex...

Australians mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xudzv/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
I saw a sign that made me shit my pants

It said "bathroom closed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xucsy/i_saw_a_sign_that_made_me_shit_my_pants/
%
Why are people with foot fetishes always losers?

They love the smell of defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xu2ts/why_are_people_with_foot_fetishes_always_losers/
%
What happens when USA fails?

USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xtx3p/what_happens_when_usa_fails/
%
My brother told me his wife is driving him to drink,

Lucky bastard mine makes me walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xtvyh/my_brother_told_me_his_wife_is_driving_him_to/
%
Trump says Muslims don't integrate.

He should have them take Calculus tests instead of Citizenship tests.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xtvnp/trump_says_muslims_dont_integrate/
%
Where do cats pay their registration?

In the feeline :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xtuai/where_do_cats_pay_their_registration/
%
I think that the president and his cabinet listened to Pink Floyd

"We don't need no education" -Devos
"All in all its just another brick in the wall" -Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xtmrq/i_think_that_the_president_and_his_cabinet/
%
What is the difference between a Zippo and a Hippo

One is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xtmpg/what_is_the_difference_between_a_zippo_and_a_hippo/
%
A pregnant woman wakes up from a coma

A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a coma. 6 months after she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor said don't worry , you had twins , a boy and a girl. Your brother named them for you. She said oh no , not my brother, he's an idiot. What did he name the girl ? Doc said" Denise". Oh that's not bad she said, what did he name the boy? Doc said "de nephew".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xtlw3/a_pregnant_woman_wakes_up_from_a_coma/
%
My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xtjj7/my_joke_was_removed_for_comparing_trump_to_hitler/
%
A Russian man is visiting Germany.

The lady at the passport control asks him his name and where he's from.
"Sergey Ivanov" the Russian says, "I from Russia."
"Occupation?"
"No, just visit this time." he answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xtfwf/a_russian_man_is_visiting_germany/
%
How many apple engenieres does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

No need for a lightbulb if we make darkness the standard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xte4j/how_many_apple_engenieres_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
What do you call two nerds dry humping on the couch?

Science friction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xtdn4/what_do_you_call_two_nerds_dry_humping_on_the/
%
The real Jesus Christ

Three drunks are sitting in a bar in Amsterdam and start bragging. The first drunk says:"I am Jesus Christ, and I will prove it to you by walking over water". They grab their beers and walk to the closest pond, and of course the drunk falls down in the water. Once back on the waterside the second drunk says: I am the real Jesus Christ and will walk through fire". They light up a campfire but as soon as he tempts to walk through the fire he burns himself. The third drunk says: "I am the real Jesus and I will prove it to you, follow me". They walk to the Red Light District and the third drunk knocks on one of the windows. The hooker opens up the door, looks up to the drunk and says:"Jesus Christ, you again?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xtbxe/the_real_jesus_christ/
%
What's green and covered in bacon grease?

Kermit's finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xtaz0/whats_green_and_covered_in_bacon_grease/
%
If most people only care about getting a bang for their buck...

Do prostitutes only care about getting a buck for their bang?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xt9e5/if_most_people_only_care_about_getting_a_bang_for/
%
Why did the ghost get in the elevator?

To lift his spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xt8uu/why_did_the_ghost_get_in_the_elevator/
%
1 and 1000 got high and shot each other in the arms

1000 cried in pain. 1 was ok because he was a little number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xt875/1_and_1000_got_high_and_shot_each_other_in_the/
%
What's the difference between Harambe and Michael Jackson?

Harambe got punished for touching little kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xt7gb/whats_the_difference_between_harambe_and_michael/
%
A person who knows three or more languages...

A person who knows three or more languages is called a "polyglot."
A person who knows two languages is called "bilingual."
What do you call a person who only knows one language?
"American."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xt7e2/a_person_who_knows_three_or_more_languages/
%
A woman bought a parrot that insults her

So the woman is minding her own business around the house and the parrot yells at her: "you stupid whore, you stupid whore"
So the woman tells him: "shut up bird, or I'll paint you black!" The parrot goes on again: "you stupid whore, you stupid whore" and the woman warns him again "shut up stupid bird, I'm going to paint you all black!"
And the parrot did it again, so the woman grabs the can(tin?) of black paint and paints him in black. Two three days passed, without the parrot saying a word. The woman got worried so she asks him: "Please parrot, talk to me, are you alright?", but the parrot just stands there, all black, proudly. So she asks him again to talk to her: "Please parrot, talk to me!". And the parrot says: "I don't talk to whores when I'm wearing my official clothes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xt6al/a_woman_bought_a_parrot_that_insults_her/
%
Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xt4qi/wow_the_neighborhood_barber_just_got_arrested_for/
%
I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it.

If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xt0dw/i_had_a_job_selling_security_alarms_door_to_door/
%
Stop calling it the Zelda Franchise - It's called the Zelda Chain.

Because there's so many Links

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xsy90/stop_calling_it_the_zelda_franchise_its_called/
%
Where are most USB sticks produced in the world?

USBekistan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xswuc/where_are_most_usb_sticks_produced_in_the_world/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get out of the range of the North Korean missiles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xsvkf/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
There was a band called 999 megabytes....

They still don't have a gig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xsu8r/there_was_a_band_called_999_megabytes/
%
Judas: C'mon Jesus, we're gonna be late for the last supper!

Jesus: The what??
Judas: ...the supper, we're gonna be late for supper...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xspg3/judas_cmon_jesus_were_gonna_be_late_for_the_last/
%
Monsters under my bed

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night so I went to a shrink and told him... "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there is somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "1500 dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it," I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, 1500 bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so?" with an attitude he asked, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you? "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. - Ain't nobody under there now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xsnkj/monsters_under_my_bed/
%
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other eating fireworks...

They charged one, and let the other off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xsnbd/police_arrested_two_kids_yesterday_one_was/
%
When my new Indian girlfriend said I could give her a facial...

...I nearly came on the spot...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xsmic/when_my_new_indian_girlfriend_said_i_could_give/
%
Why did Jon Snow go to the Rolex store?

For the watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xskt2/why_did_jon_snow_go_to_the_rolex_store/
%
You know the difference between a daycare and a stripclub?

If you dont you're a sick motherfucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xsk8x/you_know_the_difference_between_a_daycare_and_a/
%
What do you call two men staring lovingly at each other ?

Gaze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xsj97/what_do_you_call_two_men_staring_lovingly_at_each/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

... and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, looking confused, asks, "What's this?" The bartender replies, "Take a bite out of the apple." The man does and surprised, he says, "Wow, this tastes like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says, "Now turn it around." The man does and takes another bite, "...and this side tastes like Coke!"
Another man walks in and asks for a Gin and Tonic. Again, the bartender hands him an apple and tells him to take a bite out of one side and then another. The man is amazed, "This tastes like Gin and Tonic!"
A third man walks in and the previous two men tell him, "The bartender will give you an apple that tastes like anything you want!" The third man, looking skeptical says, "Oh, really?" He looks at the bar tender and asks, "Do you have an apple that tastes like pussy?"
The bartender hands him an apple and tells him to take a bite. The third man bites into the apple and quickly spits it out, "THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!!"
The bartender says, "Turn it around..."
EDIT2: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The front page?! Really? Wow! :')

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xsixz/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xsbnl/what_time_does_sean_connery_arrive_at_wimbledon/
%
What do you call a communist circlejerk?

Seizing the means of reproduction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xsap5/what_do_you_call_a_communist_circlejerk/
%
I got this joke while watching Scrubs

Turk: You are like School in July
JD: Why
Turk: No Class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xs6ny/i_got_this_joke_while_watching_scrubs/
%
Q: What goes in hard and pink but comes out soft and mushy?

A: Bubblegum -- and you should be ashamed of yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xs56p/q_what_goes_in_hard_and_pink_but_comes_out_soft/
%
Bob ,did you know.............??

**JIM**: Bob ,did you know people eat manure in some parts of the world?
**BOB**: Thats pure bullshit!!!
**JIM**: Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xs4ur/bob_did_you_know/
%
I googled 'my life'

no results found

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xs30s/i_googled_my_life/
%
If you don't eat that, it will go to waste.

If you *do* eat it, it will go to waist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xs2bb/if_you_dont_eat_that_it_will_go_to_waste/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xs1a1/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
A man trying to emigrate to Scandinavia found the process too daunting to complete.

He was never Finnished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xryww/a_man_trying_to_emigrate_to_scandinavia_found_the/
%
An anti-Semite walks into a bar...

He's about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So Peter shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that guy over there," pointing to the Jewish guy.
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, Peter notices that the Jewish guy is smiling. This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jewish guy. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile. So he says to the barman, "What's the matter with that guy over there? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except that guy, and all he does is smile and look happy. Is something wrong with him or something?”
"No, he's absolutely normal," replies the barman. "He's the owner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xryqd/an_antisemite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xrx5x/anton_do_you_think_im_a_bad_mother/
%
Don't ask me where I see myself in 3 years time

I don't have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xrw8r/dont_ask_me_where_i_see_myself_in_3_years_time/
%
Where do Salads try on clothes?

The dressing room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xrw6x/where_do_salads_try_on_clothes/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing...

They're watching a street performer do some juggling. The juggler then sees that the 4 men have a bad view so he stands up on a big wooden box and says "can you see me now?" The 4 men respond:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xrpzz/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
Did you hear about the celibate man?

He doesn't give a fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xrp52/did_you_hear_about_the_celibate_man/
%
Why does Kim Jong Un love books?

Cause he's the supreme reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xro2m/why_does_kim_jong_un_love_books/
%
What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?

One fewer drunk person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xrnr6/what_is_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding/
%
Why can't your lawn be 3 feet tall?

'Cause then it'd be a yard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xrmks/why_cant_your_lawn_be_3_feet_tall/
%
I painted my PC black thinking it would run faster...

... but now it doesn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xrmii/i_painted_my_pc_black_thinking_it_would_run_faster/
%
Just got out of a relationship with ice cream

It was a rocky road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xrlf8/just_got_out_of_a_relationship_with_ice_cream/
%
To the guy who invented the *knock knock* jokes ...

...You deserve a NoBell prize for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xrjqi/to_the_guy_who_invented_the_knock_knock_jokes/
%
8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xrjkm/8_pm_i_get_an_sms_from_my_girlfriend_me_or/
%
If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xriay/if_i_owned_a_race_horse_i_would_name_it_my_face/
%
A man goes to the doctor's office...

He tells the doctor "It's the strangest thing. Every time I see a cat, I can't help singing "What's new pussycat, woah-oh-oh".
The doctor says "I've heard of this before! It's called 'Tom Jones Syndrome'"
"Tom Jones Syndrome?" The man asks. "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xrhra/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors_office/
%
Why are Lannisters like beds?

Push two twins together and make a king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xrerg/why_are_lannisters_like_beds/
%
I'm a virgin by choice!

Not my choice though :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xrdrf/im_a_virgin_by_choice/
%
Mix-up in Heaven

A bus full of people, all of whom were incredibly unattractive, crashes over a cliff. Everyone dies. They all ascend to Heaven. While waiting at the gates, God himself comes to greet them. "Hey, sorry about that. I know you weren't expecting to go that way. But you, know... divine plan." He proceeds to tell them that he will grant each of them one request. Anything they want. The first woman in line thinks, and says "Make me beautiful!" And so he does. The man behind her says, "Make me handsome!" And so he does. One by one, they all realize their chance to be beautiful forever, and they all wish for the same thing. God comes to the last man in line, who is laughing uncontrollably. When asked what he wants, he says, "Make them all ugly again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xr6sa/mixup_in_heaven/
%
What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xr5bt/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
%
If the world is a sweatshirt, where do the poor people live?

In the hood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xr4qr/if_the_world_is_a_sweatshirt_where_do_the_poor/
%
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a Goodyear.  The other is a GREAT year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xr1v8/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
%
A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... Two days... And then three days.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xr1ty/a_magician_worked_on_a_cruise_ship/
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Two Bank robbers robbed a bank.

Two bank robbers wanted one more score before they retire. They picked out a bank, went In at night, got in the safe, went into the safety deposited boxes. Their was one problem though, their was no money. The safety deposit boxes was only full of banana pudding.
They think for a while and then one said "if we came all this way for no money, might as well get a free meal out of it". So the two robbers eat enough banana pudding to almost throw up. They left and got away. The next morning a news article came on the television, "two dumb bank robbers rob sperm bank".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xr0el/two_bank_robbers_robbed_a_bank/
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My siblings and I were home schooled growing up.

People always ask how my girlfriend and I met. I tell them we were high school sweethearts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqyxc/my_siblings_and_i_were_home_schooled_growing_up/
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Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I ever had?

It was awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqyka/did_i_ever_tell_you_about_the_worst_blowjob_i/
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My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing.

Apparently, "Heating your dinner" isn't a good answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqwvz/my_girl_caught_me_blowing_my_dick_with_the_air/
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A mother and father named their child "Odd".

Because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.
And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his suicide note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.
And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqwi6/a_mother_and_father_named_their_child_odd/
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Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and $300.

You won't believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqtm2/today_i_gave_a_homeless_man_a_watch_a_phone_and/
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What is the difference between a raven and a crow??

Well, ravens and crows both have large feathers on their wings called 'pinions'. Ravens have 4 pinions on each wing while crows only have 3.
So if you think about it, it's just a matter of a pinion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqrqg/what_is_the_difference_between_a_raven_and_a_crow/
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Why doesn't Donald Trump tweet at 3am anymore

Because he has to wake up at 5 am to watch tv

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqr61/why_doesnt_donald_trump_tweet_at_3am_anymore/
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What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're 12 to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqpy0/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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I got pulled over by the police last night

They asked me where I was between 6 and 11. I told them I was in grade school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqos2/i_got_pulled_over_by_the_police_last_night/
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I can't do this anymore. I won't let you hurt me.....

Trainer: it was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqmje/i_cant_do_this_anymore_i_wont_let_you_hurt_me/
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Name two pronouns..

Who, me??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqm1j/name_two_pronouns/
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I told my friend a joke about my blood type...

He said it was a little too negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqkud/i_told_my_friend_a_joke_about_my_blood_type/
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Farts are like children

I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqhp4/farts_are_like_children/
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Why doesn't the Sun need to go to college?

Because it already has like a billion degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqgkh/why_doesnt_the_sun_need_to_go_to_college/
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Gorbachev, Reagan, and Thatcher all meet God.

God says "I'll answer one question from each of you."
Reagan asks "How long will it be before the American people are happy, healthy, and living in prosperity?"
God replies "50 years."
Reagan starts to weep, and says "I won't live long enough to see it!"
Thatcher says "What about the British people? How long until they're all happy?"
God says "100 years."
Thatcher starts to weep as well, saying "I won't live long enough to see it!"
Gorbachev asks "What about the Soviet people?"
God starts to weep, and says "I won't live long enough to see it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqc88/gorbachev_reagan_and_thatcher_all_meet_god/
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Elon Musk and Bill Gates created a penis enlargement product.

They called it Elongate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqa64/elon_musk_and_bill_gates_created_a_penis/
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I once was a man stuck in a woman's body.

I had to live through this for all of 9 months, and then I was birthed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xqa3c/i_once_was_a_man_stuck_in_a_womans_body/
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Why doesn't anyone joke about Jonestown?

Because the punch line is too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xq9u9/why_doesnt_anyone_joke_about_jonestown/
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What do heroine and schools have in common?

You're not supposed to shoot up either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xq6w4/what_do_heroine_and_schools_have_in_common/
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I like my dates like I love Africa

Underdeveloped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xq5p4/i_like_my_dates_like_i_love_africa/
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Studies have shown that women who are overweight

Are more likely to outlive men that mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xq3qo/studies_have_shown_that_women_who_are_overweight/
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What does Donald Trump have if he has 8 apples in one hand and 6 oranges in the other?

Really big hands.... or so as he claims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xq2no/what_does_donald_trump_have_if_he_has_8_apples_in/
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What is the difference between Jesus Christ, and a Mexican?

Jesus doesn't have a tattoo of a Mexican anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xq2a0/what_is_the_difference_between_jesus_christ_and_a/
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Two brothers die at the same time and go to the afterlife...

One brother was sent to hell and the other meets St Peter at the pearly gates.
He tells St Peter he was concerned about his brother and wanted to be sure he was OK.
St Peter grants him a vision.... through the vision he can see his brother and he is living IT UP! He has two girls (one on each arm) and a beer in his hand.
The brother leaves the vision and talks to St Peter telling him about how good of a time his brother his having.
He asks to be with his brother and is sent to be with him in hell.
He walks up to his brother to inform him he's arrived.
His brother tells him it's not so great, and he asks why?
"This beer has a hole in the bottom and neither of these girls do"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xq24b/two_brothers_die_at_the_same_time_and_go_to_the/
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I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish

It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.
That was just the tip of the iceburg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xq0m7/i_had_to_leave_my_wife_due_to_a_sexsalad_fetish/
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The purple man lives in the purple house. The green man lives in the green house. The blue man lives in the blue house. Who lives in the White House?

The orange man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpz8j/the_purple_man_lives_in_the_purple_house_the/
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What's black and sits at the top of a staircase?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpxyy/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_a_staircase/
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear

And the doctor says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."
(So much subtler as a spoken joke. If you don't get it, consider you're grammar lessons!) ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpx4d/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
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My friend got angry at me for sniffing his sister's panties.

It didn't help that they were still on her.
Or that their whole family was watching.
This made the rest of the funeral quite awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpwbb/my_friend_got_angry_at_me_for_sniffing_his/
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A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation to the local swimming pool

so i gave him a glass of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpve3/a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a_donation/
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They say a man's work is from sun up to sun down and a woman's work is never finished.

That's probably why women get paid less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpv2k/they_say_a_mans_work_is_from_sun_up_to_sun_down/
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What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpv05/what_did_kermit_the_frog_say_at_jim_hensons/
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Women went on a strike because men are lazy.

After 1 week, 3 representatives from different countries were called to make a report.
The French woman said: On day one, I didn't see anything. But on day two, he cooked dinner.
The German woman said: On day one, I didn't see anything. But on day two, he took away the trash.
The Russian woman said:  On day one, I didn't see anything. But on day two, I could see with one eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpujc/women_went_on_a_strike_because_men_are_lazy/
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I once saw this guy getting beat up by 4 other guys, I decided to help

He didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xptqq/i_once_saw_this_guy_getting_beat_up_by_4_other/
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"Miss, you have cancer"

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’
‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xptok/miss_you_have_cancer/
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What do you call Harrison Ford making a Venn diagram?

Comparison Ford.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xps92/what_do_you_call_harrison_ford_making_a_venn/
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Have you heard about the world's most prolific baker?

That's weird, I thought everyone had heard of Adolf Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xps29/have_you_heard_about_the_worlds_most_prolific/
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I like my women like I like my insurance company

Fucking me constantly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpr8o/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_insurance_company/
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Since we're doing old jokes: How do you stop a baby from spinning around in circles?

Nail it's other hand to the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpqs1/since_were_doing_old_jokes_how_do_you_stop_a_baby/
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Man walks into an elevator...

There is a woman standing there, and as the elevator descends he turns to her and says "Excuse me, can I smell your pussy?" She looks at him with disgust and replies "Why certainly not!" He replies "Hmm, must be your feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpqe3/man_walks_into_an_elevator/
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What does a redneck Buddhist believe in?

Reintarnation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpoxk/what_does_a_redneck_buddhist_believe_in/
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What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?

You come in one and you leave in the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpmfq/whats_the_difference_between_a_condom_and_a_coffin/
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A Mexican US President

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpjlb/a_mexican_us_president/
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What do you get when you mix goat DNA and Human DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpg5j/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_goat_dna_and_human/
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Two Jewish Guys at the Urinal

There were two Jewish guys next to each other at the urinals. The guy on the right turns to other and asks: "You were circumcised by Rabbi Brown, weren't you?"
"I was! How did you know?"
"You're peeing on my shoe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpelt/two_jewish_guys_at_the_urinal/
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What does the military use acid for?

To neutralize the enemy base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpej7/what_does_the_military_use_acid_for/
%
I have a pun about rubber bands...

But it's a bit of a stretch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xpbe4/i_have_a_pun_about_rubber_bands/
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My friend is training to become a mime.

He just won't shut up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xp9x1/my_friend_is_training_to_become_a_mime/
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Israel officially decriminalizes marijuana use

So that's one country in the middle east where I wouldn't mind being stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xp9lt/israel_officially_decriminalizes_marijuana_use/
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The blue man lives in the blue house. The green man lives in the green house. Who lives in the White House?

The orange man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xp92o/the_blue_man_lives_in_the_blue_house_the_green/
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What's the difference between a man wearing pajamas on a bicycle and a guy wearing a tuxedo on a unicycle

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xp45c/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_wearing/
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How does a dyslexic with tourettes pray?

He swears to Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xp2br/how_does_a_dyslexic_with_tourettes_pray/
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What do you call a theater production based on a dictionary?

A play on words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xoveg/what_do_you_call_a_theater_production_based_on_a/
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Who's this Rorschach guy,

And why does he keep on painting pictures of people getting murdered?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xotkl/whos_this_rorschach_guy/
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[Long] Mob boss goes fishing

Mob boss went fishing alone. He had thick gold chain around his neck, gold rings with diamonds on his fingers and lots of cash in his pockets. He also took big bottle of alcohol with him to make his fishing trip more enjoyable.
After some time, when he was not able to catch single fish he decided to drink the whole bottle and fell asleep. When he woke up, he found out that all his cash, rings and gold chain are missing. So he called his soldiers to help him look around. They were not able to find it, but they agreed it must have been stolen by somebody from close redneck trailer park.
First redneck they met told them in exchange for few cigarettes to look in to the last and dirtiest trailer. So they knocked on the door. Ugly, smelly and dirty redneck came out in his dirty underwear with thick gold chain around his neck, gold rings with diamonds on his fingers and cash showing from his underwear.
Mob guys look at each other and the boss asked him where did he get all that stuff. He said: "You wouldn't believe me! I was walking 'round the lake and saw this drunk guy sleeping. So I took all his stuff and fucked him in the ass" and started laughing showing his few remaining yellow teeth.
Mob boss stepped closer to him, had a good look and said: "Let's go guys, this is not my stuff".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xornb/long_mob_boss_goes_fishing/
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xoqzj/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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What has 1 thumb and is very important?

A ransom note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xon30/what_has_1_thumb_and_is_very_important/
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Why doesn't Jesus play hockey anymore?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xojql/why_doesnt_jesus_play_hockey_anymore/
%
Did you hear about the man with a car made of pasta?.

He got in a crash, and now his car's al dente.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xoi44/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_a_car_made_of/
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When do you smack a midget?

When they say your hair smells nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xoi2l/when_do_you_smack_a_midget/
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The funeral director...

Schwartz dies and is brought to the local funeral home to be laid out.
The funeral director carts him in and begins to undress the body, but when he pulls off the man's pants- he can't believe what he sees! Mr. Schwartz has easily got the largest penis he's ever seen. I mean- HUGE!
"I can't believe the size of this thing," he thinks. "Nobody would ever believe this!"
So he does something completely out of character: he cuts it off and puts it in a pickle jar with some formaldehyde. The thing is curled 3 times around the bottom.
That night he gets home and can't wait to show his wife.
"Honey! Look at THIS!"
She takes one look and screams- "Oh my God! Schwartz is dead!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xob7k/the_funeral_director/
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A guy went to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor said,"Well first of all, sir, you'll have to stop masturbating." The guy said,"Why?" The doctor replied, "So I can examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xo85e/a_guy_went_to_the_doctor_for_a_checkup/
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A woman goes with her husband to the doctor for his exam.

After the exam, the doctor pulls the wife aside and says: "Your husband is suffering from severe long term stress, and he is a good candidate for a heart attack or stroke. If you don't do the following three things he will surely die.
First, every morning fix him a healthy breakfast.
Second, when he gets home make him a warm, nutritious dinner and don't burden him with house hold chores.
Third, have sex with him several times a week."
On the way home, the husband asks the wife " I saw the doctor talking to you and he looked serious. What did he say?"
Wife: " He says you're gonna die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xo6mg/a_woman_goes_with_her_husband_to_the_doctor_for/
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Today I walked across a parking lot

I guess you can say I was going through a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xo6g9/today_i_walked_across_a_parking_lot/
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A deer walks out of a gay bar

And says, "Wow, I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xo4t3/a_deer_walks_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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A man wakes up in the morning, costantly repeating "Eighteen".

He takes a shower and mumbles: "Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen...."
He eats his breakfast and keeps saying: "Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen...."
Gets dressed for work, while still saying: "Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen...."
He goes to the bus stop while still humming to himself: "Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen...."
People around him on the bus are speechless and confused, until one passenger finally mans up and asks the guy: "Excuse me, sir, why do you keep repeating Eighteen over and over?"
And the man answers:
"AND HERE'S ANOTHER ONE WHO SHOULD MIND HIS OWN FUCKING BUSINESS! NINETEEN! Nineteen, Nineteen, Nineteen..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xo4f0/a_man_wakes_up_in_the_morning_costantly_repeating/
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A joke my 95 y/o grandmother told me...

(Keep in mind that this woman -before she passed a few years ago- was born and lived in a place before cars came there. Enjoy.)
A young girl was very excited to be going on her first date with a boy she had sought after for many months. She was so excited that she, unfortunately, became quite gassy. When the boy arrived, she was extremely nervous to be riding on the horse and buggy, which would shake and bump from the ride. Luckily enough for her, she saw a thunderstorm approaching, but far enough to where they would be safe for the ride. She timed each release of gas to where there would be no sound coming from her, but with each clap of thunder. She spoke after a few minutes of riding, "Boy, that storm sure is getting close, ain't it?" The young man then replied, "Yeah, and it must be hittin' the cow field, because it smells like shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xo3zd/a_joke_my_95_yo_grandmother_told_me/
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A wife complains.....

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xo3w2/a_wife_complains/
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Jack and Jill...

Jack and Jill worked at the mill before the work did slack off.
The miller cried, "I can't decide whether to lay Jill or Jack off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xo3iu/jack_and_jill/
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Another Yo Momma joke..

Yo Mamma so fat that when she stands on a weighing machine, it says "to be continued..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xo1gb/another_yo_momma_joke/
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I get horrified whenever I hear about women being mistreated at their workplaces.

What in the flying fuck are they doing out of the kitchen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xo0c4/i_get_horrified_whenever_i_hear_about_women_being/
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Kids living outside of the US won't get this.

Type 2 diabetes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnyir/kids_living_outside_of_the_us_wont_get_this/
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[NSFW] A drunk, a chain smoker, and a gay sex addict walk into the doctor's office.

Heard this one in middle school.
A drunk, a chain smoker, and a gay sex addict walk into a doctor's office. After their consultation they all end up chatting at the bus stop and find that the doc told them all that they will die if they indulge in their addiction one more time.
After a few minutes go by, the drunk starts shaking and scratching. He says "That can't be true, right? It's ridiculous! I'm having a drink!" so he walks over to the bar across the street and orders a shot. In a single motion, he raised his shot glass to his lips, tilts his head back, downs the shot, and then falls back onto the floor dead.
The chain smoker and gay sex addict are surprised and saddened but after a few more minutes go by, the chain smoker starts shaking and scratching. He spots a half-smoked cigarette on the ground and can't take his eyes off of it. He yells "This is ridiculous! I'm having that cigarette!" but before he could reach it the sex addict stops him and says "If you bend over and grab that cigarette we're both gonners!"
On an unrelated note, how do i get to the community info and side bar from the app? It's not where it used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnvxl/nsfw_a_drunk_a_chain_smoker_and_a_gay_sex_addict/
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New head samurai

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. The emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth. A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!" Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!" Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH! A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"And the Jewish samurai replies - "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnq4u/new_head_samurai/
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Who wasn't hungry on Christmas?

The Turkey, he was stuffed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnpza/who_wasnt_hungry_on_christmas/
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The broom was late

Because it over swept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnpxt/the_broom_was_late/
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Breaking: Bus Carrying 53 KKK Members Overturns on I-95

There were some minor injuries, but they're all white

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnnpq/breaking_bus_carrying_53_kkk_members_overturns_on/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnmn4/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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Today I was asked to go out, by 10 girls...

I was in the women's bathroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnlou/today_i_was_asked_to_go_out_by_10_girls/
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I myself once thought I was a man trapped in a woman's body....

But then I was born, and it all changed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnllg/i_myself_once_thought_i_was_a_man_trapped_in_a/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnkvi/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign_that_reads/
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What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnku4/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
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A Blonde Checks Her Mail

A man was outside mowing his lawn, when the blonde next door came out and looked in her mailbox. She frowned and went back in.
After a few minutes the blonde came back out and looked in her mailbox again. She had the same reaction and then went in once more. The man was a little confused but he minded his own business.
A few minutes later the blonde returned once more, and now the man was curious. 'What are you doing?' he asked her, 'You've checked your mailbox three times now. Nothings going to change in a few minutes.'
The blonde replies, 'Yes, but my computer keeps saying "You've got mail !" '
I read this on a joke site a couple years ago. Thought it belonged here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnjr6/a_blonde_checks_her_mail/
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An inspector arrives at murder scene of an obese man by a cannibal

It was a lot to digest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnih8/an_inspector_arrives_at_murder_scene_of_an_obese/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xndhx/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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Two men are lost in the desert

. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.
He turned to the man behind him and said, "I guess it was just a fig mint of my imagination."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnctl/two_men_are_lost_in_the_desert/
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What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after his meal?

He went back for seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xncgb/what_did_the_time_traveler_do_when_he_was_still/
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A man walks into a psychologist's office

The psychologist says, "Tell me about yourself?"
The man replies, "It is my deeply held belief that I am in fact a moth."
The psychologist is a little surprised, but being a professional, he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I am sure I can help you overcome that."
Indignant, the man shoots back, "No way! I love being a moth, thank-you very much!"
"So why on Earth did you come in here?"
"Oh, well I was just passing by and I saw your light on..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnbmr/a_man_walks_into_a_psychologists_office/
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A guy tattoos his girlfriend's name on his penis

Her name is Wendy, but when his penis is soft only the "W" and the "Y" can be seen. Kinda weird, going around with a random "WY" tattooed on his weiner, but he really loves Wendy, so he couldn't care less about what other people thought.
One day he goes to play soccer with some friends of his and a group of other people; in this group, there was a tall, muscular South African man. When they're all changing, he notices a "WY" tattooed in big letters on the black man's soft member. "Uhm, I know this is really weird" he shyly says to the latter "but I noticed your tattoo... what does it say? Do you by any chance know a girl called Wendy, too?" he asks, trembling with jealousy.
"No" the man replies "it says 'Welcome to Johannesburg city'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xnb0b/a_guy_tattoos_his_girlfriends_name_on_his_penis/
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On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led an attorney, a doctor and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask each if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The attorney wishes to face the sky. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the attorney.
The doctor comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the attorney. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the doctor as well.
Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "You know... I think I see what your problem is ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xn9g6/on_a_beautiful_sunday_afternoon_in_the_midst_of/
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I Have Super Powers

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it…..
Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xn91p/i_have_super_powers/
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Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.
But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.
After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has started.
Giles was late to the war this time. So no weapons were available. The Sergeant decides to send him into the front lines pretending he has a weapon making "pew pew" sounds.
After a huge fuss he goes and suddenly see's an enemy. He goes "pew pew" and the enemy drops dead. Surprised, Giles moves further away where nobody was, and finds another enemy. He goes "Pew pew" again and that enemy also drops dead.
He realizes what's going on and goes ballistic on the enemy. "Pew pew pew pew". Enemies die, bodies everywhere. Total massacre. After Giles killed more than 500 enemies he sees a single soldier walking towards him like a robot. He points, goes "pew pew" but the enemy doesn't die. He keeps approaching like a robot, and Giles keeps "pew Pewing" but the enemy won't die.
And when the enemy enters hearing distance, Giles hears him repeating: "Tank tank tank tank tank tank tank".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xn58n/giles_was_late_for_shooting_practice_so_the/
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Why is your nose in middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xn4ep/why_is_your_nose_in_middle_of_your_face/
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My girlfriend left me because I was too insecure.

No. Wait. She's back. She just went to go make coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xn1rd/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_i_was_too_insecure/
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I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xn1fx/i_thought_me_and_my_girlfriend_had_something_she/
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What does Captain Jack Sparrow do when he has back pain?

Pilates of the Caribbean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmziv/what_does_captain_jack_sparrow_do_when_he_has/
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Why are crippled people always picked on?

Because they can't stand up for themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmz9g/why_are_crippled_people_always_picked_on/
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An old forest ranger is retiring.

At his retirement party he tells his successor, "Jerry, whatever you do, don't fire Hugh Williams".
Well Jerry doesn't really like being told what to do, especially by some guy on his way out the door, but he assures the old ranger he won't fire him.
A few years pass without incident, but as the government starts slashes the budget, Jerry finds staff reductions are necessary. Looking at performance reviews, he realizes that Hugh has really underachieved. Therefore, Jerry calls Hugh into the office and gives him his walking papers.
Well, as luck would have it, the largest fire to ever hit the region started that very evening. Within days, thousands of acres were engulfed. Jerry, understaffed and overwhelmed, called the old ranger for help. The old ranger sat quietly for a moment, the muttered "You fired Hugh didn't you". Confused, Jerry said he did. The old man slowly shook his head, "That's the problem right there! You see, only Hugh can prevent forest fires!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmyxr/an_old_forest_ranger_is_retiring/
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What do you call a Nazi that's missing an arm?

Anti-semmetric.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmwlz/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_thats_missing_an_arm/
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I hate being bipolar

It's awesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmw9u/i_hate_being_bipolar/
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A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says,

"Audi".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmv4y/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_german_car_showroom_and_says/
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How many mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Juan.
*SPOILER* - For those who dont get it, if u say "juan" in spanish, it sounds like "one" in english.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmrpi/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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3 friends get wasted...

The next day, they are all hungover, and meet up try to sort out the nights events
The first friend says sadly " I don't remember anything past the second bottle...all I know is I woke up next to the nastiest skank I've ever seen..."
Second friend looks at him and nods " yeah....I can't remember much either....and I ended up next to my sister in law.....my wife's gonna kill me...."
The third friend is sitting with his head in his hands, a thousand yard stare on his face. After a long while he speaks up " I remember everything...after you guys left with the girls, I went home and blew chunks...."
The others look at him and sigh " well that's not bad man...you got off easy!"
" no guys....chunks is my dog...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmqvd/3_friends_get_wasted/
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I'm bad at math

So the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmppv/im_bad_at_math/
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A Blind Guy

A blind guy visited his choir
mistress at home and found her
bathing. since he was blind, she let him in. After bathing, she came out
naked with legs spread and
shaving in front of him and tried to
make a conversation by asking
him, brother John, what brings
you here? Is everything OK at home? He replied, yes o, very fine.
I came to tell you that I have done
the eye surgery and I can see very
clearly now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmmaa/a_blind_guy/
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2 Woman go drinking...

after a lot of drinks they decide to head home but on the way realise they have to use a bathroom but as its late there is no one to be found.
So both decided to head for the local cementary...as they had nothing to wipe, the first woman decides to sacrifice her panties.
The second one had really expensive panties so she just grabbed a ribbon from a nearby grave and both head home.
The next morning both husbands meet:
"This has to stop, my wife came home without panties!"
"You think THAT is bad? Mine had a pice of ribbon in hers that reads "from all of us at the police station  - we will never forget you.""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xml6x/2_woman_go_drinking/
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My daughter's got an interview for a job working in the adult entertainment industry today…

I hope she blows it…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xml68/my_daughters_got_an_interview_for_a_job_working/
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What's the most hygienic type of ant?

The Deodor Ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmha8/whats_the_most_hygienic_type_of_ant/
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I didn't pay the bill for my exorcism...

...I got repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmgdv/i_didnt_pay_the_bill_for_my_exorcism/
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Boss is boss.

A highly successful Boss  was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and  got out to investigate.
He asked one man
"Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the boss  said.
"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree".
"Bring them along," the boss  replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the boss answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.
One of the poor fellows turned to the boss  and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The boss replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"
_*Lesson :* Never trust  Bosses... They will go to any extreme to finish their job._
*And there is none like a KIND BOSS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmga6/boss_is_boss/
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A man at work calls home and his 8 years old daughter picks the phone:

“Hi honey,this is daddy.Is mommy near the phone?”
“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.
“After a brief pause daddy says,“But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”
“Oh yes I do,and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”
Brief pause,“Uh okay then,this is what I want you to do:put the phone down on the table,run upstairs,knock on the bedroom door,and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate.”
“Ok daddy just a minute....”
A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “Done it daddy.
”"What happened honey?”
“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked,ran round the room screaming,tripped over,and knocked her head on the staircase,now she is not moving at all.”
“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad. He jumped out the window into the swimming pool,but I guess he didn’t know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he’s dead.”
After a really long pause this time... Daddy says,“Swimming pool,but we don't have a swimming pool! Is this 486-5731?”
“No,this is 486-5713” “Sorry wrong number....!!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmcup/a_man_at_work_calls_home_and_his_8_years_old/
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What do you call a truthful politician?

Impossible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xmbs0/what_do_you_call_a_truthful_politician/
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I have the eye of the tiger and the heart of a lion.

That's why I'm banned from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xm5nz/i_have_the_eye_of_the_tiger_and_the_heart_of_a/
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A Brit walks into a bar in Mississippi.

The bartender, taking note of the man's rather non-local appearance, shook his head and handed the man a beer - he didn't want to be at the butt-end of some lame joke.
The other bargoers, however, didn't seem to have the same inclination, and so began pestering the Brit.
"Well lookie here!" said a drunkard. "We dun' gat ourselves uh fan-see shman-see *Ang-low-Sax-tun*!"
"Hey, yew! Ah betcha y'all ain't doin' tew guud after them Yurro-payeans kicked y'all outta that dumb ol' union they gat!" another joined in.
The Brit, rolling his eyes at the locals' lack of understanding, replied: "I do believe you'll find that *we* left the Union of our *own* accord, thank you very much."
"Oh, *sure* y'all did!" a third joined in. "He's lyin', fellers - them Brits ain't got no accordians, that's the French!"
"Ah," the Brit nodded, deciding to play around with the men a little. "I suppose you heard that on your lovely little 'history' channel?"
"Is that s'posed t' be uh jab at us, huh?" the first local retorted. "Ah'll have yew know that we 'ere don't *need* yer fan-see puhblic *ed-yew-cay-shun* t' be smart!"
"Matter uh fact," the second cut in, "we 'ere in Miss'ssippi better at *awll* them thangs y'all Brits do up there in Yer-up!"
"Such as?" the Brit challenged them.
"Well, we gat arselves sum guud ol' futball, and we are *sure* as *heyull* better at it than YEW!" the third local proclaimed.
"We not only invented the *real* football, but we spread it *across the world*," the Brit replied.
"*We* know how to put them blacks in their place!" the second declared.
"Ah, you went and brought a few over to your place just to mess with them?" the Brit chuckled. "How cute. We went and messed with them *on their home continent*. And we colonised the whole damn place, just for good measure."
"I...er...hm...." the first stuttered.
The locals then fell into a quick silence, not quite sure of what else they could claim to fame where the Brit could not. The Brit, meanwhile, realised the whole bar had gone rather quiet; the other locals had started listening in to the conversation with great care, hoping to find some small little piece of information that they could take pride in.
Finally, a fourth local in the back of the bar broke the silence:
"Well, y'all may not think too kindly of it, but ah'll tell y'all this much - me here, and the rest uh mah family, and quite a few of them other fam'lies in this 'ere state, are quite good at bein'...close to each other, if ya know what I mean."
The bar suddenly turned into an uproar of hollering and cheering - finally, something unique to the South!
"Ha ha, that's right, buddy!" said the first local, taking another swig of his beer. "How 'bout that - there ain't no way y'all Brits can out-do our fam'lies in incestual relashunships!"
"Well..." Prince William replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xm47t/a_brit_walks_into_a_bar_in_mississippi/
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A man posted an ad "I want a wife", he received more than 5000 answers

They all was from men offering their wives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xm3wa/a_man_posted_an_ad_i_want_a_wife_he_received_more/
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A wife is like a hand grenade

Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xm37a/a_wife_is_like_a_hand_grenade/
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Till death do us part...

... After a car accident involving a couple they both loose their lives. As the wife is waiting in line to get into heaven she sees her now decease hunsand making out with a younger better looking woman. In a fit if rage she turns to him "how can you do this to me Dave we have been married for almost 50 years, I gave you my best years. I should've listen to my mother she was right about you. You are a dog, nothing more than a failure... " he stops her broughtly "listen the deal was till death do us part."
Edit : words are hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xm2xz/till_death_do_us_part/
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Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xm2js/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_promoted/
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A man wakes hungover

A man wakes up in his bed with a terrible hangover. He looks to his bedside table and finds some ibuprofen and a glass of water. He glances around the bedroom and sees that it is cleaner than usual and his work clothes are laid out. He pops the ibuprofen and washes it down with water, and finds a note stuck to the bottom of the glass.
"Hey, honey, I ran to the store, there's breakfast downstairs, I'll be right back XOXO."
Upon getting dressed and getting his wits, he goes downstairs to find that everything is immaculate. He enters the dining room to find his son at the table eating breakfast, on the table is a buffet of eggs, bacon, pancakes, fruit, yogurt, the whole nine yards.
Still foggy and hungover, he plops down at the table, glances around at the pristine home. His son asks, "How are you feeling?"
"What the hell happened last night?"
"Well, you came home, stumbling drunk. You knocked on your own door, waking everyone up. You knocked over, not one, but TWO bookcases. You also puked all over yourself while you were puking into the litter box. You were a total mess."
Dumbfounded and glancing around, he asked, "then what is all of this? The food, everything is clean, I'm confused..."
"Oh, yeah, well, mom was trying to take your puke covered clothes off and put you to bed, and as she was taking your pants off, you yelled, 'GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, WOMAN!!! I'M A MARRIED MAN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlzuc/a_man_wakes_hungover/
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Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person

Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlzhl/yesterday_i_gave_up_my_seat_on_the_bus_for_a/
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You hear about the guy who burnt the whole left side of his body?

He's all right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlyfi/you_hear_about_the_guy_who_burnt_the_whole_left/
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So a man goes to a doctor about a tapeworm

A man visits a doctor in regards to what he suspects is a tapeworm. The doctor confirms that is the likely parasite and tells the man, "Go to a grocery store, there's one across the street, and buy a dozen eggs. Also buy ten tootsie rolls. Every day at 2 PM for the next 10 days, shove an egg up your rectum, wait 3 minutes, and then shove the tootsie roll up your rectum. Then come back in ten days and bring an egg, arrive at 1:55."
Reluctantly, the man follows the doctors orders, and he comes back, egg in hand, to the doctor. "Doc, I did what you said, and I haven't seen any improvement." The doctor sighs and leaves the room for a moment and comes back with a hammer. "Lay on the table facing down." The man lays down and the doctor asks him to shove the egg into his rectum.
"I don't think this is helping" the man said. The doctor said, "Just bear with me a moment." A couple of minutes pass, and the tapeworm pops out and asks, "Hey, where's my tootsie roll?!" **BOP** And the doctor hits it with the hammer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlxwa/so_a_man_goes_to_a_doctor_about_a_tapeworm/
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Hard to title: a man walks into a bar

A man walks into a dive. On the edge of the bar, he sees a man maybe a foot tall playing a small piano. He is impressed and orders a beer from the bartender. Upon receiving the drink, he asks the bartender, "Hey, where did you find this guy?"
"Oh, as it turns out, someone couldn't pay their tab and I ended up with this magic lamp."
Skeptically, the man said, "Magic lamp? You're joking, right?"
"No, seriously. You rub it and ask for a wish. You wanna try it?"
"Sure." He rubs the lamp and says, "I wish for a million bucks."
The bartender smirks and the doors to the bar fly open by the force of a million ducks rushing into the bar. The man says, "I said a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
"And you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xltdg/hard_to_title_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I asked an old man..

One day I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's your secret?"
The old man replied "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xltb3/i_asked_an_old_man/
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My exgirlfriend had this really weird fetish...

She used to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlt1l/my_exgirlfriend_had_this_really_weird_fetish/
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LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlruz/lpt_start_a_film_on_your_laptop_before_you_go_to/
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I think Debian Linux....

.... has a very `apt` package manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlrji/i_think_debian_linux/
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A guy walks up to me and asks "What's Punk?"

So I kick over a garbage can and say "That's punk!" So he kicks over the garbage can and says "That's Punk?" and I say "No that's trendy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlqgw/a_guy_walks_up_to_me_and_asks_whats_punk/
%
A husband comes home late at night....

and he's piss drunk. His wife had been telling him to come home early, so to avoid her wrath, he passes out on the living room couch.
The next morning, he wakes up to the smell of bacon cooking. As he groggily makes his way toward the kitchen, he's greeted by his wife's smile.
"Good morning honey, would you like some coffee?"
He sits down in amazement as a full breakfast is awaiting him.
He looks up at his wife in puzzlement, and asks her why she isn't angry.
"Well," she explains, "I saw you sprawled on the sofa and I took off your shoes. When I tried to take off your pants, you yelled 'Stop! I have a wife!' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlo4w/a_husband_comes_home_late_at_night/
%
Two pizzas see each other in a cemetary

One asks "Family?"  The other says "No, medium."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlmrd/two_pizzas_see_each_other_in_a_cemetary/
%
A little girl is painting a picture and her mom asks what she's painting...

The girl says,"I'm painting a picture of God."
The mom says,"Nobody knows what God looks like."
The girl says,"Well, if you'll let me finish..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlmfp/a_little_girl_is_painting_a_picture_and_her_mom/
%
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend...

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xll51/a_teenage_girl_was_being_intimate_with_her/
%
I don't care much for political jokes. But I was thinking what would Reagan think of our current toxic political climate if he was alive today?

I think he would say " WHY WON'T SOMEONE LET ME OUT OF THIS BOX"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlixg/i_dont_care_much_for_political_jokes_but_i_was/
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I was lonely, so I bought some shares..

It's nice to have a bit of company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlhxz/i_was_lonely_so_i_bought_some_shares/
%
Did you hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence?

It was udder destruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlhjb/did_you_hear_about_the_cow_that_jumped_over_a/
%
Why did the strawberry cross the road?

Because his buddy was in a jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlgqm/why_did_the_strawberry_cross_the_road/
%
Wanna hear a jokes about cows?

[re-MOO-ved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlgf1/wanna_hear_a_jokes_about_cows/
%
Yo Mama's so fat..

Yo Mama's so fat, that time slows down around here.
(Courtesy of Einstein)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlgac/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
A Roman walks into a bar

holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlfsv/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A Priest, A Minister, A Rabbi And A Bear

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlejp/a_priest_a_minister_a_rabbi_and_a_bear/
%
Why do blow up dolls cost so damn much?

Inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xlbiw/why_do_blow_up_dolls_cost_so_damn_much/
%
What type of tea is the hardest to swallow?

Reality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xla73/what_type_of_tea_is_the_hardest_to_swallow/
%
My wife left me because I bought the new Nintendo, but I'm not even upset...

...it was time for a Switch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xl47o/my_wife_left_me_because_i_bought_the_new_nintendo/
%
A brunette, redhead and blonde leave the bar

On there walk home they see a farm and decide to break into the barn to pet the animals. The farmer noticed someone broke into his barn and he called the cops, when the girls heard the cops coming they decided to hide.
The cops come up to a cow and shine there flashlights on it, from behind the cow the brunette yells "moo"! The cops think nothing of it and move on.
They come up to a sheep and shine there flashlights on it, from behind the sheep the redhead yells "baaah"! The cops think nothing of it and move on.
Finally they come up to a sack of potatoes. They shine there flashlights on them and from behind the potatoes the blonde yells "potato potato"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xl1td/a_brunette_redhead_and_blonde_leave_the_bar/
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You know, the people saying that GMO's contain "chemicals" aren't wrong.

You just probably shouldn't tell them the entire Earth is made of the stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xl1hc/you_know_the_people_saying_that_gmos_contain/
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Two stoned cows

What do you call two stoned cows in Las Vegas?
High steaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xl1gi/two_stoned_cows/
%
Two friends are visiting Wales

when they come to the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. They are arguing about how to pronounce it, so they decide to go to the fast food restaurant that they are near, and ask the cashier to pronounce the town name.
They ask the cashier "Where am I? Pronounce it slowly for us please."
The cashier replies, "Buurrrrr-guuuurrrrr kiiiiing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkz12/two_friends_are_visiting_wales/
%
If you're trying to save money you should buy more pasta...

it's worth every penne!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkyzq/if_youre_trying_to_save_money_you_should_buy_more/
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Tired of being beaten again and again by a child, Captain Hook decided to leave Neverland. When he reached the real world, he realized there was a job he was built for.

So he opened an abortion clinic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkyax/tired_of_being_beaten_again_and_again_by_a_child/
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Orange is the new Black.

in the white house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkxwu/orange_is_the_new_black/
%
What do you give a sick pig?

Oinkment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkxor/what_do_you_give_a_sick_pig/
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Give a man a fish...

And he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to Phish and he'll make grill cheese sandwiches on your lawn for a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkxev/give_a_man_a_fish/
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What do you call a man with 10 rabbits up his butt?

Warren

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkxbc/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_10_rabbits_up_his_butt/
%
The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was originally intended to be for Wii U

But mid-way through development they made the switch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkuxq/the_legend_of_zelda_breath_of_the_wild_was/
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A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkr6i/a_wife_comes_home_late_one_night/
%
Scientists create the ultimate robot

In order to test its understanding of humanity they decided to ask it 10 questions. First they asked the robot "what is love?" and the robot responded "chemical synapses released within the brain to stimulate a physical response represented as the colloquial understanding of love. It is recognized as a pure selfless emotion that, in some human cultures, encourages acts of selflessness, charity, and compassion." The scientists pleased with its response ask it the next question, "what is hate?" The robot was silent for a few moments and responded, "Hate is a separate chemical response that that when stimulated enacts actions of intense violence, malice, cruelty and pain. If left unchecked may lead to the undoing of the individual." The scientists feeling proud of their achievement ask their third question,"what is comedy?"
The robot was silent. The scientists waited, and waited, and continued to wait for almost an hour. the robot did not respond. They believed that perhaps it was defective and so reset the robot and asked it the same questions again only to remain silent on the the third question. After months and years of resetting and rebuilding and redoing their experiments, the robot would continue to simply stay silent on their third question. Feeling disheartened and defeated, the scientists gave up on their project and the robot was dismantled but its artificial intelligence was still useful for advance computer calculations and was used as a deep space satellite program. Unfortunately little after the satellite was launched into space, the world was absorbed into nuclear war. And so the satellite drifted through the void for eons upon eons watching civilizations rise and fall and continued to drift until the eventual heat death of the universe. At which point moments before the universe collapsed into eternal darkness and emptiness, the satellite looked into the abyss one last time moments before it and all of existence would cease to be and said,
"timing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkpoy/scientists_create_the_ultimate_robot/
%
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and deer nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1.99.
Deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkp75/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
Did you hear about the sale at the boat store?

It was quite and oar deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkm66/did_you_hear_about_the_sale_at_the_boat_store/
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Why did the old man fall in the well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xklxg/why_did_the_old_man_fall_in_the_well/
%
If you are cold go stand in the corner

It is always 90 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xklk2/if_you_are_cold_go_stand_in_the_corner/
%
What did Hitler get his niece for her birthday?

An easy bake oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkk4t/what_did_hitler_get_his_niece_for_her_birthday/
%
My last time having sex was like the 100m dash

There were 8 black guys and a gun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkilk/my_last_time_having_sex_was_like_the_100m_dash/
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In the Wild West, a young dog with three legs walks into a bar

He quietly tells the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkhth/in_the_wild_west_a_young_dog_with_three_legs/
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My teacher said that we were going to have only half of a day of school this morning

We all cheered, then she said that we'd have the other half this afternoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkh7u/my_teacher_said_that_we_were_going_to_have_only/
%
This guy gets a job at warehouse...

This guy gets a job at warehouse and does amazing work. His superiors are extremely impressed. However, that Monday he calls in and says, "I can't make it in today, I'm sick."
The rest of the week he does the work of two men and, again, impresses his boss. Then on Monday he calls in and says, "I can't make it in today, I'm sick."
The next day his boss calls him into the office and has a talk with him.  "Listen you are a great worker," his boss begins, "but you can't keep calling in on Monday, what's going on?"
The guy says, "well my brother in law always goes out drinking on Saturday night. When he comes home he beats my sister. So then on Sunday she calls me and I go over to comfort her.  She is grateful and emotional and starts hugging me.  We get close and start kissing then one thing leads to another and we have sex."
The boss says, "what?!  You have sex with your sister?  That's sick!"
The guy says, "I know, that's what I said, I'm sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkgmr/this_guy_gets_a_job_at_warehouse/
%
Why Can't The Fruits Secretly Marry?

Because they canteloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xkclk/why_cant_the_fruits_secretly_marry/
%
Do you know that old fable about how your tongue will stick to an iron pipe if it's too cold?

It's twuu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xk9et/do_you_know_that_old_fable_about_how_your_tongue/
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Italian Marriages (long)

An Italian woman married an Italian man. The Italian tradition for newlyweds is to sleep at your mother's house on your wedding night and remain a virgin until you are married.
After the wedding, the newlyweds went back to her mother's house. The man went up stairs and the woman stayed to talk to her mom. She said, "I don't want to go up there."
Her mom said, "He's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll treat you well."
When she got upstairs, the man took off his shirt.
She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a hairy chest!"
Her mom said, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and he will treat you well."
When she got upstairs, he took off his pants.
She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has hairy legs!"
Her mom said, "All good men have hairy legs. Go upstairs and he will treat you well."
When she got upstairs he took off his socks. She noticed that half his foot was missing. She ran downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a foot and a half!"
Her mom said, "Stay here! This is job for Mamma!"
(I used to tell this with a very poor Italian accent but it does make it better)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xk9cf/italian_marriages_long/
%
Why did the plumber wear glasses?

He couldn't see shit without them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xk8op/why_did_the_plumber_wear_glasses/
%
Why do french people never go to space.

Because in space there is no resistance !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xk7rm/why_do_french_people_never_go_to_space/
%
I asked my band teacher to raise my F.

He gave me an FF instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xk4ee/i_asked_my_band_teacher_to_raise_my_f/
%
there are 10 types of people in the world

thoes who understand binary and thoes who dont

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xk1yq/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded?

All that was left was de-Brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xk1br/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_that/
%
Hey baby, are you a school?

Because I want to shoot kids inside of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xk0pa/hey_baby_are_you_a_school/
%
I was organizing my closet and decided to smell the moth balls. Yuck.

The hardest part was holding his tiny legs apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xk0kw/i_was_organizing_my_closet_and_decided_to_smell/
%
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjyko/little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class_one_day/
%
Blonde goes to gynecologist

her belly has been growing does not know what that means.
Doc checks her, tells her she's pregnant.
"Doctor, are you sure it's mine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjye4/blonde_goes_to_gynecologist/
%
I slipped on black ice today.

I thought it was just regular ice, but when I got up I realized my wallet was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjy3v/i_slipped_on_black_ice_today/
%
I burnt my hand on a round stove plate.

It was 360 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjxb5/i_burnt_my_hand_on_a_round_stove_plate/
%
When is a door not a door

When it's ajar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjv5j/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
%
The man who has set himself on fire during a protest has died of his injuries.

His cremation will be continued next week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjv34/the_man_who_has_set_himself_on_fire_during_a/
%
I hope aliens don't land in the USA and say "take me to your leader"

How embarrassing would that be

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjr0z/i_hope_aliens_dont_land_in_the_usa_and_say_take/
%
The Robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one.
"Me too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.
"Me neither. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love 'baskin' robins.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjpc3/the_robins/
%
I hate looking for window treatment advice at the hardware store...

They always send me a blind guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjjdw/i_hate_looking_for_window_treatment_advice_at_the/
%
What's the difference between a goat and a panda?

A goat is horny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjic7/whats_the_difference_between_a_goat_and_a_panda/
%
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus?

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjhki/is_a_hippopotamus_a_hippopotamus/
%
Why did the libertarian cross the road?

What road?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjhi2/why_did_the_libertarian_cross_the_road/
%
Who split the arctic sea?

Eskimoses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjg76/who_split_the_arctic_sea/
%
What do you call a gay dentist?

The tooth fairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjfuy/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dentist/
%
What's the difference between a Redditor and a calendar

A calendar has dates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjf5z/whats_the_difference_between_a_redditor_and_a/
%
Karl Marx as a student

In University, Karl Marx's Political Economics professor noted that every day, the young man would get up halfway through class and walk out, which caused a good deal of disruption. The professor quickly grew tired of the daily distraction, and so one day, as Marx stood up and prepared to leave, the professor stopped lecturing and turned to him.
"I am curious, Mr. Marx, what it is about my teaching you find so intolerable that you cannot sit through more than half of any given lecture."
Karl looked surprised for a moment, but quickly understood what the problem was, and said, "Oh, no, sir, it's nothing like that. See, I have a class on "Proletariat ideology" that starts in five minutes, and I'll be dropped from the course if I'm late."
The professor was confused. "You mean to tell me that the University registered you for two courses during the same time?"
"Yes, sir," Marx responded. "So it's nothing personal. Just a class conflict."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xjeig/karl_marx_as_a_student/
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What do you call a rich Chinese person?

Cha Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xj7sx/what_do_you_call_a_rich_chinese_person/
%
I woke up with my dick in a jar of cashews

I've always loved cashews this....this is fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xj7lm/i_woke_up_with_my_dick_in_a_jar_of_cashews/
%
A guy walks into a pharmacy buys a pack of condoms and walks out laughing

He does this every day consecutive for a week. Finally the pharmacy owner asks his assistant to follow the man the next time he returns. Sure enough the man returns the next day and walks out laughing once again. The assistant follows him and returns about half an hour later. When the pharmacist asked where he had followed him the assistant simply replied "your house".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xj6n9/a_guy_walks_into_a_pharmacy_buys_a_pack_of/
%
Why shouldn't you marry a sniper from your own country?

They are only good for long-distance engagements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xj21c/why_shouldnt_you_marry_a_sniper_from_your_own/
%
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat em all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xizqc/why_is_there_no_aspirin_in_the_jungle/
%
New Deal joke my grandfather told me

Everyone has 2 cows.
The Socialist keeps 1 and gives 1 to his neighbour.
The Communist gives both cows to the government who gives back some of the milk.
The Fascist keep the cows but gives the milk to the government, who then sells some of it back.
The New Dealist shoots both the cows and milks the government.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xizpd/new_deal_joke_my_grandfather_told_me/
%
If you're an amputee and you know it

clap your hand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xiw20/if_youre_an_amputee_and_you_know_it/
%
This woman is trying to get me fired for giving inappropriate massages in the office.

Good luck with that, lady. I don't even work here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xivby/this_woman_is_trying_to_get_me_fired_for_giving/
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The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.
(Gary Delaney)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xiu7b/the_worst_thing_about_living_next_door_to_mc/
%
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it’s raining," says the man.
"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xisrf/a_couple_is_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
%
A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog.

They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.
"Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.
"Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.
"Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went to lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xiooo/a_doctor_a_lawyer_and_an_architect_were_arguing/
%
Me, neighbor and cops are making a band

I play electric guitar, Cops are playing drums on the door and neighbor sings outside the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xinvi/me_neighbor_and_cops_are_making_a_band/
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An infinite number of mathematics walk into a bar...

The bartender asked what they want. The first says a pint, the next says half a pint, next says a 1/4th a pint, next says an 1/8th a pint and so on until the bartender gets tired of hearing what they want. He pours two pints and says "Y'all need to learn your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xikju/an_infinite_number_of_mathematics_walk_into_a_bar/
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My friend was flying with Delta airlines

I told him: "Don't expect luggage to arrive".
He later informed me his luggage didn't even leave the airport.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xijpy/my_friend_was_flying_with_delta_airlines/
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People use to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian

Well, no one is laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xihxz/people_use_to_laugh_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to/
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Since chipotle charges like a $1.30 for guacamole...

I wonder if In their bussiness meetings, if they refer to their guac profits as
Avacadough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xighs/since_chipotle_charges_like_a_130_for_guacamole/
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Which is heavier, 200 pounds of brick, or 200 pounds of feather?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xig9j/which_is_heavier_200_pounds_of_brick_or_200/
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There are two kinds of people in this world.

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xifs5/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
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Drunk Blonde

So a blonde walks into a Bar at a hotel that has it on the top story and sits Down. A man in a Trench coat Leans over to her and says,"You should get this beer" *Holds up bottle* "It allows you to do amazing things!"
At this the man stands up, jumps out the window and Flies around twice before coming back into the Building. The blonde then orders the Same beer. She drinks it. And then Jumps out the window. And falls to her death.
The Owner of the Bar then turns to the man in the coat and says, "You know you're a real Prick when you're drunk, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xibx7/drunk_blonde/
%
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

3.
His left ear.
His right ear.
And the final frontier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xi90s/how_many_ears_does_captain_kirk_have/
%
Which disease is least prevalent in Africa?

Obesity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xi6g8/which_disease_is_least_prevalent_in_africa/
%
Three Nuns sitting on a park bench

When a man runs up and flashes them.
Two of them have a stroke... The other one can't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xi2hi/three_nuns_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
I just finished watching a documentary on weed

I think more documentaries should be watched this way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xi13y/i_just_finished_watching_a_documentary_on_weed/
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CNN recently released a new report from one of Trumps closest aides. The unnamed source has disclosed that Trump has been diagnosed with sphincter dysfunction.

President Trump responded: "the news is fake, but the leaks are real."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xhys4/cnn_recently_released_a_new_report_from_one_of/
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A pro ?

I asked a friend. If there are a 1000 dicks on the wall how many do u choke on
Friend says.    None ?
Never knew my friend was such a pro ....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xhpxr/a_pro/
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Damn FBI, at it again.

One morning, Bill is awakened by forceful banging on his door. It was the FBI demanding to know where he kept his wood pile.  So, he leads them around behind the house and watches as they knock down every last bit of his neatly stacked pile without saying a word.  Then, they grab an ax and start busting open the logs.
Very confused at this point, he asks "just what the Hell is going on?"
"Sorry sir. We received an anonymous tip that you were hiding narcotics in your wood pile. When we couldn't find them, we had to bust the logs to make sure they weren't false logs. You'll be reimbursed for any damages"
Shortly after Bill gets back in, his phone rings.  It's his buddy Tom.
"Hey, Bill. D'you get some company this morning?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"They cut up your fire wood?"
"Yeah???"
"Happy birthday, Bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xhlb9/damn_fbi_at_it_again/
%
Saw a guy in a bar with a rabbit on his face

So I saw a guy in a bar with a rabbit on his face,
obviously i asked him, hey whats the deal with the rabbit on your face?
He replied "hey it's not a rabbit, its a facial hair".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xhk9j/saw_a_guy_in_a_bar_with_a_rabbit_on_his_face/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks!" I said, "Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xhjho/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
Donald Trump should have the Chinese build the wall.

They built one over 2000 years ago and they don't have any Mexicans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xhhzh/donald_trump_should_have_the_chinese_build_the/
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You know how they say men think with their penises?

Yeah your wife blows my mind every night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xhh9h/you_know_how_they_say_men_think_with_their_penises/
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*The Hat*

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments.
Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do...
Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Father: Go ahead, son.
Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.
Father: Is that so?
Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments - and I changed my mind.
Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"
Man: No. It was when you started talking about, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xhgfv/the_hat/
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Goose that gave golden eggs

A hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught. He met a scammer from another village on the way. The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter. Scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg everyday and now hunter must compensate him for his lost.
To the scammer surprise, hunter apologized without disputing the ridiculous claim. But said he would like a judge to determine the amount he owe the scammer. They both agreed to take the matter to the village chief for a fair decision. Scammer thought he had nothing to lose and took him to his village.
Scammer presented his claim to the chief. Then hunter made the scammer swore in front of the chief that the goose had been giving him golden eggs and how long it had been. The scammer repeated the claim and said it had been over a year.
The hunter then claimed that he was a very wealthy person from another village and he had been hunting for this goose for over a year and he just caught it. The goose had been stealing one golden egg a day from his vault. He then asked the judge to seize all the scammer assets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xhetj/goose_that_gave_golden_eggs/
%
What do you call a wizard from Uganda?

a uGandalf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xh9bd/what_do_you_call_a_wizard_from_uganda/
%
How do you confuse a panda?

You bamboo-zle it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xh8v3/how_do_you_confuse_a_panda/
%
The police came to my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes

My dogs don't even have bikes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xh7ct/the_police_came_to_my_door_and_told_me_my_dogs/
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What did the lifeguard say to the hippie?

"Hey man, you're too far out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xh6bh/what_did_the_lifeguard_say_to_the_hippie/
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What did Custer say to his troops 140 years ago today?

MARCH 4TH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xh65b/what_did_custer_say_to_his_troops_140_years_ago/
%
Why doesn't a cat use WinZip?

Because cats like to rar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xh5rc/why_doesnt_a_cat_use_winzip/
%
What has 99 legs and three teeth?

The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xh5kq/what_has_99_legs_and_three_teeth/
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I'm okay with kids getting shot.

People afraid of vaccines are being paranoid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xh5ie/im_okay_with_kids_getting_shot/
%
The real meaning of happiness

Today I donated a watch, a phone and $500 to a poor guy.You can't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xh48h/the_real_meaning_of_happiness/
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What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones, but people in Abu Dhabi dooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xh1z6/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
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HTML or HTML5?

Guy 1 - 'How can you tell the difference between HTML and HTML5?'
Guy 2 - 'Open it in Internet Explorer'
Guy 1 - 'Ok'
Guy 2 - 'Did it work?'
Guy 1 - 'No'
Guy 2 - 'It's HTML5'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgz05/html_or_html5/
%
What's the difference between a ginger and a shoe?

The shoe has a sole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgy0v/whats_the_difference_between_a_ginger_and_a_shoe/
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A farmer gets a call from his son in prison...

They talk for a bit. The farmer mentions that times have been hard with his son not around, and that he's getting too old to dig up the field. The son responds back, "DAD! NO! That's where all of the bodies are hidden!" The FBI swarms the farm, digging up every inch of the field and the son calls back the next day, "Hey dad, that's the best I can do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgq7v/a_farmer_gets_a_call_from_his_son_in_prison/
%
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgq5v/a_bus_full_of_nuns_falls_of_a_cliff_and_they_all/
%
[Long] A old woman calls the police and says, "I think there's someone in my yard!"

The lazy police officer replies, "I'm sorry ma'am, we don't have any vehicles available at the moment."
A few minutes later, the lady calls again and says, "Never mind, there were four of them, and I just shot them all." In three minutes, the entire police force is at the lady's house. The commander points at her, relaxing in her chair knitting. "Where are the bodies? You said you killed four!" The woman replies, "And you said there were no vehicles available!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgnty/long_a_old_woman_calls_the_police_and_says_i/
%
I just got fired from my job as a bingo caller...

Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is *not* an appropriate way of calling out number 69...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgnsc/i_just_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_bingo_caller/
%
What's the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can walk the streets without Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgnhf/whats_the_difference_between_batman_and_a_black/
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Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgng8/why_are_diet_pills_so_effective_in_the_uk/
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2 blind guys were about to fight

I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgmuu/2_blind_guys_were_about_to_fight/
%
Why did the French chef kill himself?

He lost his huile d'olive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgjnm/why_did_the_french_chef_kill_himself/
%
A grandfather is telling his grandson war stories...

Grandfather: Did I ever tell you about the time we destroyed the opposing forces?
Grandson: I don't think you have...
Grandfather: it was hundred to two... Clearly outmatched. But we destroyed them both!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgiyb/a_grandfather_is_telling_his_grandson_war_stories/
%
A man gets on a bus...

... Just as he sees a hot nun getting off it. He says Hi, but she glares at him. He feels lucky and asks the bus driver how he could find her.
Bus Driver : well I know for a fact that every night she goes to the cemetery and prays for four hours straight. You'll probably be able to find her there.
The man then devises a plan. He will wait behind a tombstone as the nun is praying, then he'll speak to her and trick her into having sex with him.
The night comes and the nun is praying. All of a sudden a voice appears it of nowhere.
Voice : your prayers have been answered...
Nun : who's there?
Voice : it's me... God!
The nun begs him to forgive her and the man says he will if she has sex with him. She agrees. The man comes out in disguise and goes at it with the nun. Afterwards the man removes his disguise and says :
Ha! I'm the man from the bus!
To which the nun replies taking off her mask :
Ha! I'm the bus driver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgil6/a_man_gets_on_a_bus/
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xggoe/i_cant_remember_how_to_write_1_1000_51_6_and_500/
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Did you know that..

The Cheetah is faster Dandelion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xggmf/did_you_know_that/
%
God asked Adam, "where is Eve?" Adam responded, "she's bathing in the river."

God, "DAMN!   Now all the fish are going to stink like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgehn/god_asked_adam_where_is_eve_adam_responded_shes/
%
Two guys want to start a farm and go to a farmer to buy an ox to plow their fields...

They examine the ox and notice that his eyes are crossed. They mention this to the farmer who explains that there's a solution for that, "You just take this pipe, stick it up the ox's ass and blow as hard as you can, watch." They stood at the ox's head while the farmer put the pipe in the ox's ass and blew as hard as he could, sure enough as he blew the ox's eyes became straight.
The guys purchase the ox, take it back to the farm and hook it up to a yoke. When they get it to the field one stands at the head while the other puts the pipe in the ox's ass and blows, but the ox's eyes stay crossed. The guy at the head tells the other guy to blow harder but, the eyes stay crossed. He goes to the back and tells the other guy to move out of the way and go to the head, he then removes the pipe, turns it around, and puts the other end in the ox's ass. The other guy sees this and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The first guy says "You think I'm going to put my mouth on the same end you had yours on?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgdmv/two_guys_want_to_start_a_farm_and_go_to_a_farmer/
%
I went to see an escort last night...

She advertised "a real girlfriend experience."
When I got there, she opened the door and said, "You're late. I bet you've been drinking at bar again."
We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgd54/i_went_to_see_an_escort_last_night/
%
My friends and I were betting

, how much weed would it take to get a cow stoned.
Needless to say, the steaks were high
(Never heard this joke before, I hope it is original)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xgals/my_friends_and_i_were_betting/
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A man went to China.

He hired a prostitute to keep him company during the night, and when things got serious, she kept shouting a word in Chinese.
The next day, the man went to a golf course with a couple of business associates. They had a good afternoon until a person hit a hole in one. Everyone started shouting in excitement, and the man decided to join in, shouting the word he hears last night, thinking it was that of excitement.
Everyone turned to the man in silence. After a full minute of awkward silence, the one who made the shot asked "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xg99d/a_man_went_to_china/
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God has almost finished creation...

GOD: So how many animals do I have left to make?
ANGEL: Two.
GOD: And how many legs do I have left?
ANGEL: One hundred.
CENTIPEDE: Dibs!
SNAKE: You asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xg6ax/god_has_almost_finished_creation/
%
Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?

Because it kept saying "Bach".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xg61a/why_did_beethoven_kill_his_chicken/
%
Would you like some headphones?

Absolutely, but how did you know my name was phones?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xg5vp/would_you_like_some_headphones/
%
You know you're gay...

You know you're gay when you bend over and see four balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xg4tq/you_know_youre_gay/
%
A man comes home really drunk

, his wife has had enough of him this time and tells him that if he comes home in that state again she is leaving him. Anyway another week goes by and Friday comes round again, the man can't help himself he goes out and gets really drunk and pukes down his own shirt. He turns to his friend Larry, "what am I going to do?" he asks, Larry says " I know, here's £20 put it in your top pocket and tell your wife I did it and that as way of apology there's £20 for the dry cleaning". The man does this, stumbles home, opens his front door to his wife stood there with her bags packed. She says to him "look at the state you're in, you better have a good explanation" the man says "Larry puked on my shirt, there's £20 in my top pocket for the dry cleaning" the wife reaches in and pulls out £40, "but there's £40 in here she says" "yeah" says the husband, "the other £20 is from Steve who shit in my pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xg327/a_man_comes_home_really_drunk/
%
TIFU by sleeping with the bosses daughter

He caught us red-handed, the following day
I was let go for performance reasons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xg31k/tifu_by_sleeping_with_the_bosses_daughter/
%
A guy gets a job on a construction site. On his first morning, the foreman is showing him around...

... when one of the workers there puts his tools down, hops up on a cinder block, and shouts out, "73!" All the other workers laugh uproariously.
A few minutes later, another worker goes over to the cinder block and shouts out, "12!" Again, everyone laughs. Puzzled, the new guy asks the foreman what the hell is going on.
"Well, you see," explains the foreman, "we love telling jokes. But the thing is, we've told them all so many times that we know them by heart. A few years ago, we decided to save some time by giving every joke a number, which we can then say instead of the full joke. Everyone thinks of the joke in their minds, everyone laughs. Saves time."
"I can see that," replied the new guy.
"Wanna give it a shot?"
"Well, I don't know..."
"Ah, c'mon! Go for it!"
So the new guy climbs up on the cinder block, clears his throat, and calls out, "24!"
Dead silence. A few workers shake their heads in disgust.
The foreman rushes over, grabs the new guy by the collar, and growls in his face, "You take that racist shit and get the fuck out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xg2w3/a_guy_gets_a_job_on_a_construction_site_on_his/
%
whats the difference between me and a calendar?

a calendar has dates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xg2tr/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_calendar/
%
A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replies, "No."
So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xg2sw/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_were_taking_a_dump_in_the/
%
I don't trust stairs...

They're always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfz2v/i_dont_trust_stairs/
%
Trump wants to repaint White House, he asks for quotations:

Mexican quoted $3M
American quoted $7M
Filipino quoted $10M
Trump asked the Mexican: How did you quoted 3M?
He replied: 1M for paint, 1M for labor & 1M profit.
Trump asked the American.
He replied: 3M for paint, 2M for labor & 2M profit.
Trump asked the Filipino.
He replied: 4M for you, 3M for me & we will give 3M to the Mexican & ask him to paint.
Filipino guy got the contract!
😊😊😊😊

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfwvi/trump_wants_to_repaint_white_house_he_asks_for/
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The position formerly known as 69 is now 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfwmw/the_position_formerly_known_as_69_is_now_96/
%
Why did the scarecrow get a raise?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfw1q/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_raise/
%
In 1910 Freud was old

But his student was Jung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfuwv/in_1910_freud_was_old/
%
NASA has received reports of a rover on Mars murdering a feline creature

Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfsdk/nasa_has_received_reports_of_a_rover_on_mars/
%
I wish I was more racist but I'm white

so I can't run very fast...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfo7l/i_wish_i_was_more_racist_but_im_white/
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The king of england had a beautiful wife..

The king of England had a beautiful wife who he loved, but the king was needed to command his armies in a far away land. The king knew that he would be gone for months and did not trust any of the men around not to have sex with his wife. The king ordered Tybalt to meet with him.
"Tybalt, you are my most trusted friend and advisor. Tomorrow I must go off to war for many months. I am trusting you with a very important task in my absence. You are to guard my wife's chambers and ensure no man has sex with her."
Tybalt agreed to the task, but the king still felt unsure. He decided in the middle of the night, while his wife was sleeping, to place a special chastity belt on his wife. This belt acted like a guillotine, cutting anything off that went inside. The next day the king began his journey.
Months later the king returned from war and lined up all of the men in the castle and ordered that they drop their pants. The king was mortified to see that every man had had their penises cut off. The only man whose penis remained was Tybalt. The king said "Tybalt, I knew I could trust you! Thank you for remaining loyal. Name any reward in the kingdom and you shall have it!"
Tybalt couldnt say a word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfnd0/the_king_of_england_had_a_beautiful_wife/
%
Why did the testicle and urethra not get along?

Because of the vas deferens between them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfktx/why_did_the_testicle_and_urethra_not_get_along/
%
My mutt dog had 3 litters last year! First was 5 puppies. Then 7. Then 6. What am I going to do with 18 puppies?!

Sum of a bitch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfhzw/my_mutt_dog_had_3_litters_last_year_first_was_5/
%
There was a prison break...

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfhst/there_was_a_prison_break/
%
George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie......

George Clooney said "I'll direct"
Dicaprio said "I'll produce"
and Matthew McConaughey said "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfge2/george_clooney_leonardo_dicaprio_and_matthew/
%
Did you hear the one about the unsharpened pencil?

Nevermind, there's no point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xff6c/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_unsharpened_pencil/
%
I keep asking people what IDK stands for

But nobody seems to know...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfev5/i_keep_asking_people_what_idk_stands_for/
%
A woman has twins

, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfd7d/a_woman_has_twins/
%
My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 in the morning...

Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfcfy/my_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_at_3_in_the_morning/
%
I like my women like my coffee...

Imported from Colombia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfc09/i_like_my_women_like_my_coffee/
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Living with a small penis

Me to Librarian - “Have you got a copy of the new title,  “Living with a small penis?”
Librarian – “I don’t think it's in yet.”
Me to Librarian - “Yep that's the one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xfabk/living_with_a_small_penis/
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Why is it that the room filled with married people seemed empty?

There wasn't a single person there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xf9qg/why_is_it_that_the_room_filled_with_married/
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I once won a 5 on 1 street fight.

We kicked that guy's ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xf7yf/i_once_won_a_5_on_1_street_fight/
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What's the difference between a brick and a ginger?

Bricks get laid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xf6mf/whats_the_difference_between_a_brick_and_a_ginger/
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Are you feeling okay?

(My attempt at a joke)
Person 1: You feeling okay?
Person 2: If I touch you and your name is okay will I be feeling okay?
Person 1: But my name isn't okay...
Person 2: Oh I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xf4ob/are_you_feeling_okay/
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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay"

Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xf40q/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
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Chuck Norris has a kitten

Every night for a snack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xf3wu/chuck_norris_has_a_kitten/
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A College Dilemma

I recently discovered that I'm allergic to dairy and as a result I've missed milkshakes terribly.
Today I decided to see what kind of damage I could do with chocolate almond milk and frozen bananas.
I live in an apartment complex (the dorms), and for some reason while I was doing this I heard a commotion outside.
I went outside, frozen treat in hand, to discover a bunch of people from the men's building standing on the grass in the quad... I was confused, and so I asked them what they were doing there.
They responded that I was making quite the racket with my blender.
So TIL after many years that my milkshake still brings all the boys to the yard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xf2at/a_college_dilemma/
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"And this baby is our granddaughter. Her name is Degree."

"I'm sorry, did you say Deborah?"
"No, no. Degree. Our daughter left for University and came back with this. It's her Degree."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xf1by/and_this_baby_is_our_granddaughter_her_name_is/
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What kind of boat do vampires like?

Blood vessels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xeymq/what_kind_of_boat_do_vampires_like/
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Chuck Norris has died.

He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xewao/chuck_norris_has_died/
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A man diagnosed with cancer was given six months to live, but he worked hard and proved them wrong.

He killed himself three hours later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xevqt/a_man_diagnosed_with_cancer_was_given_six_months/
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What caused the fisherman to go crazy?

Pier pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xev5e/what_caused_the_fisherman_to_go_crazy/
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What do you call a gang of people paralyzed in all four limbs?

Squadriplegic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xerit/what_do_you_call_a_gang_of_people_paralyzed_in/
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A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,
"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,
"Because they had eggs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xej49/a_computer_programmers_wife_sends_her_husband_to/
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Two Young Brothers Wanted to be Cool

I heard this joke at a jazz concert of all places, but it cracked me up:
Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.
The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.
The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."
The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older brother and asked what he wanted to eat.
He replied, "I'm not sure, but I definitely don't want no fucking Frosted Flakes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xei6v/two_young_brothers_wanted_to_be_cool/
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What do you call a snake that is 3.14 Meters long?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xeg86/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_is_314_meters_long/
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My first time buying a condom

I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, No, this is my first time.
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
Just a minute, she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. Do these excite you? She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said.. I sure did, and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xeg05/my_first_time_buying_a_condom/
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The density of Saturn is so low that the whole planet would float on the water in your bath.

However, you wouldn’t want to try this experiment at home as it would leave a massive ring around the tub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xefy4/the_density_of_saturn_is_so_low_that_the_whole/
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Two satellites decided to get married...

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xee6b/two_satellites_decided_to_get_married/
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Hey girl, are you a cage match with heavyweight champion Manny Pacquiao?

Cause I'd last 10 seconds inside you but I'd still brag about it for the rest of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xedj0/hey_girl_are_you_a_cage_match_with_heavyweight/
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Why are conservatives climate change deniers?

Because they want to melt the snowflakes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xe7a1/why_are_conservatives_climate_change_deniers/
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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home having a smoke

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get that?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.
The pharmacist faints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xe726/two_old_ladies_are_outside_their_nursing_home/
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Homosexuality is not natural!

Just like healing illnesses by touch, walking over water and raising from the dead after a few days.
Homosexuality is a miracle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xe4i3/homosexuality_is_not_natural/
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Don't call it a problem. Instead call it an opportunity.

"I have an drinking opportunity" sounds much more positive, doesn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xe2ws/dont_call_it_a_problem_instead_call_it_an/
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I'm Always Frank to Any New Woman I Meet

Because I wouldn't want them knowing my real name,  of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xe1nq/im_always_frank_to_any_new_woman_i_meet/
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What is a programmer's favorite artificial meat flavoring?

A boolean cube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdysq/what_is_a_programmers_favorite_artificial_meat/
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An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdy28/an_fbi_agent_tells_a_montana_rancher_i_need_to/
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Translated Indian joke: Don't speak while you're eating.

Husband & Wife dining in a hotel:
Hubby: I wanna tell you something.
Wife: It's not good manners to talk while eating.
.
(After Eating)
Wife: Now tell me.
Hubby: There was a cockroach in your Biryani !!!
Moral:
Listen to your Husband once in a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdvcx/translated_indian_joke_dont_speak_while_youre/
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I can make holy water by boiling water

I just have to boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdt0v/i_can_make_holy_water_by_boiling_water/
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdr5a/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
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I made a 1$ bet with a woman...

I lost now I have to pay her 72 cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdq1y/i_made_a_1_bet_with_a_woman/
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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer"
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdn58/wife_texts_husband_on_a_cold_winter_morning/
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TIL Billy Mays had an IQ of 63

Would that make him an OxiMoron?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdmbh/til_billy_mays_had_an_iq_of_63/
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I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdl4s/i_can_cut_down_a_tree_just_by_looking_at_it/
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An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdk9y/an_emo_and_an_apple_fall_out_of_a_tree_which_one/
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I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...

But graphing is where I draw the line!
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Actually, graphing is fine, but calculus is my limit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdj40/ill_do_algebra_ill_do_trigonometry_ill_even_do/
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We've got a new opening that you are qualified for!

Really? What is it?!
The exit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdhjf/weve_got_a_new_opening_that_you_are_qualified_for/
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Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon men were just so fit and strong and sexy.

No homo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xde93/neanderthal_and_cromagnon_men_were_just_so_fit/
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Why does Donald Trump walk so slow?

He doesn't want people to think he's rushin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xddlm/why_does_donald_trump_walk_so_slow/
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A country family goes to a mall for the first time..

The mother goes to shop while the father and his son look around. They stop by two shiny metal doors with buttons on a wall nearby. An old overweight woman in a wheelchair wheels up and pushes a button. The doors open into a small room. The woman wheels herself into it and pushes a button. The doors close. Above the doors the father and the son watch as these numbers count up, briefly stop, then begin counting back down. The doors open and a gorgeous 21 year old blonde woman steps out of the room.
Without taking his eyes off the woman, the father says to his son, "Boy, go git your mama."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdda8/a_country_family_goes_to_a_mall_for_the_first_time/
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An older lady is frustrated about the lack of a sex life with her husband...

so she decides that role play might be the cure. She buys some Wonder Woman underwear and puts them on in the bathroom before bed so she can surprise her husband.
When she opens the bathroom door, the woman leaps out and shouts "Super pussy!", to which her husband replies, "I'll have the soup, thanks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdaia/an_older_lady_is_frustrated_about_the_lack_of_a/
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Me: Why is Santa's sack so big?

Dad: Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xdabs/me_why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
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My sister asked me to take off her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes.", I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
And so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my clothes ever again."
Edit 1: A word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xd958/my_sister_asked_me_to_take_off_her_clothes/
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If you're leaving the U.S. Embassy in Santiago, make sure to put on a jacket...

It's Chile outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xd8bm/if_youre_leaving_the_us_embassy_in_santiago_make/
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How Do You Circumcise a Redneck?

You kick his sister in the chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xd8ax/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
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Me: Why would Santa not come?

Mom: Ask your dad, he's the king of making things not come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xd385/me_why_would_santa_not_come/
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I was gonna tell a joke about unemployed people

But they just don't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xd2lp/i_was_gonna_tell_a_joke_about_unemployed_people/
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What resolution does a racist shoot his videos in?

3K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xd2fa/what_resolution_does_a_racist_shoot_his_videos_in/
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When i was your age everything was in black and white.

Schools, fountains, bathrooms, everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xd019/when_i_was_your_age_everything_was_in_black_and/
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So it turns out Mike Pence used a private email server. When questioned he denied, saying he doesn't even use email.

Alternative Fax

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xcvgd/so_it_turns_out_mike_pence_used_a_private_email/
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What's Hitler's favorite game?

Gas who.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xcubj/whats_hitlers_favorite_game/
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A blonde goes to the doctor...

A blonde goes to the doctor. The doctor looks at her and asks what seems to be the problem?
"Everything hurts! No matter where I touch."
"My arms, my thighs, my chest, my head! All of it!"
He looks her over completely and finally looks at her in amazement.
"Lady, your *finger* is broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xct27/a_blonde_goes_to_the_doctor/
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When i lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85$

That's why in the Navy, the captian goes down with the ship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xcn7i/when_i_lost_my_rifle_the_army_charged_me_85/
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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me

"Stop shaking the fucking ladder you little cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xcj2n/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words_to_me/
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Why was the man who crushed recycled pop cans for a living sad with his life?

Because his job was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xciuw/why_was_the_man_who_crushed_recycled_pop_cans_for/
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What was Hitler's favorite animal?

A dolfhin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xcdc3/what_was_hitlers_favorite_animal/
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What do you call third grader with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xc9u5/what_do_you_call_third_grader_with_no_friends/
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RIP Boiled water

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xc4lg/rip_boiled_water/
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What does my girlfriend and the √-100 have in common?

They're both perfect 10's.
But they're also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xbq9r/what_does_my_girlfriend_and_the_100_have_in_common/
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Justin Bieber Jokes

Dear Justing Bieber Haters, Please respect him... I owe my life to Justin. Last August 16,2016 I was in coma for 2 months due to a terrible car accident.
One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song. So I got up.. And I turned off the radio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xboqa/justin_bieber_jokes/
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Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Donald Trump go for a walk in the woods...

...And they get completely lost. They are now wondering through the forest for hours, weather is starting to get worse, night is coming, its getting cold, its not looking good. Sad. When suddenly they spot a light coming from the nearby mountain, so they head on towards it.
When they get there, they find a cave, and the light is coming from within. They stand at the entrance unsure if they should enter, Clinton decides to go check it out, Bush and Trump decide to wait outside to see if its safe.
Clinton goes deeper into the cave, turns a corner, and what does he see? Its Bigfoot! He is standing in there, with a jar of Vaseline, rubbing it onto his massive, yuuuuge, 30 inch cock...
Trump and Bush who are still outside hear some horrible screaming, trashing sounds coming from the cave, few min later Clinton comes running out all bruised and his clothing torn and says: "Damn, there was a Bigfoot there, I fought it and broke both of its legs, but I just couldn't finish him off!"
Bush says he will go finish him off, while the others wait outside, he goes deeper into the cave, turns a corner, and what does he see? Its Bigfoot! He is standing in there, with a jar of Vaseline, rubbing it onto his massive 30 inch cock...
Trump and Clinton who are still outside, again hear some horrible screaming, trashing sounds coming from the cave, few min later Bush comes running out also bruised and his clothing torn and says: "Wow, that Bigfoot sure is tough, I fought it, and broke both of its arms, but still couldn't finish it off..."
Trump says, "Stand back and watch how its done kids." and walks deeper into the cave.
Clinton and Bush standing outside hear some inhumane screams, trashing, banging, indescribable noises... Clinton turns to Bush and says, "Yeah, sorry, I guess you saw that I didn't really hurt the Bigfoot..." Bush says: "Yeah man, totally, I couldn't really do much to it either, but I did manage to steal this here jar of Vaseline..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xbooq/bill_clinton_george_w_bush_and_donald_trump_go/
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I took a laxative with nitrous oxide once

Just for shits 'n' giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xbmg2/i_took_a_laxative_with_nitrous_oxide_once/
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The Yankee farmer moves down south

So this farmer from up north decides he's going to retire and move to the south. After he gets his house and land he starts to miss farming so he decides to start back up but on a small scale. The farmer walks to the local flea market to see what he can find and first off he sees a man selling 2 chickens.
He says to the man "Sir, I'd like to purchase your rooster and hen." The man replies "You must not be from around here. In the south we call hens 'pullets' and we call the males 'cocks'. I don't have any cages to put them in for you so you'll just have to hold them so they don't get away from you."
The Yankee farmer pays for thr chickens and continues looking. Soon he spots a donkey for sale for a really good price.
The Yankee farmer says "Sir why is your donkey so cheap?" The man says "Ah you must not be from around here. We don't call them donkeys in the south, they are called 'asses'. But yeah this one here every now and then will get stubborn and not want to move. You can get him going if you give him a good scratch behind the ears though."
The Yankee farmer pays for the donkey and starts walking home with the chickens in arms and the donkey following close by. Sure enough the donkey locked up and stopped following. Luckily though a young lady was walking by and he thought maybe she could help.
The Yankee farmer said "Excuse me ma'am could you please help me?" She said "Sure, you're not from around here are you?" Not wanting to sound like he wasn't a local he says "Ma'am I'm as local as you can get! But can you do me a favor and hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xblv8/the_yankee_farmer_moves_down_south/
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A woman sees a sale sign that says "Tampons: 3 boxes for $5"

Wanting to take advantage of the deal, she goes into the store. The sales attendant immediately comes up to her and asks if he can help her, she says, "Yes, I saw a sign outside that said you have a sale going for tampons, are they really just $5 for three whole boxes?
The sales attendant replies," Yes ma'am, they're three boxes for $5, and there are no strings attached."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xbjxo/a_woman_sees_a_sale_sign_that_says_tampons_3/
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Did you hear about the prolific male deer molester?

He felt like a million bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xbgr4/did_you_hear_about_the_prolific_male_deer_molester/
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I cried a lot when chopping onions...

Onions was a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xbgoi/i_cried_a_lot_when_chopping_onions/
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What do you call a Roman dictator having an epileptic fit?

Julius Seizure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xbfr7/what_do_you_call_a_roman_dictator_having_an/
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xbec9/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_palm/
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers:
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xbe77/a_kung_fu_student_asks_his_teacher/
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A guy walks into a bar...

He says to the bartender, "Hey man, I could really use a Jack and Coke." The bartender replies, "I have just the thing," and places an apple on the bar. The man gives the bartender a strange look, to which the bartender says, "just take a bite."
So the man takes a bite of the apple. "Holy shit! That tastes just like Jack!" The bartender smiles and says, "Now... turn it around." The man turns the apple to the other side and takes another bite. "No kidding, now it tastes just like Coke."
A few minutes pass and another guy walks in. He says to the bartender, "I'd love a gin and tonic." Again, the bartender nods and places an apple on the bar. "What the hell is this?" says the second man. "Take a bite," says the first man, "this guy is really good."
So the second man takes a bite and, to his surprise, it tastes just like gin. The bartender smiles and says, "Now... turn it around." The second man turns the apple around takes another bite. It tastes just like tonic.
The evening continues and after a while a third man comes into the bar. He's already a little drunk, and when the bartender asks what he could get for him, the man bursts out, "I would *really* love some pussy." The bartender chuckles and places another apple on the bar, and the first two men excitedly encourage the third to take a bite.
"God, that tastes like ***shit***!" the man cries. The bartender smiles and says, "Now... turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xbbi3/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house

It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xbb2z/bilbo_was_surprised_to_wake_one_morning_and_find/
%
When does a cub become a boy scout?

When he eats his first Brownie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xbat2/when_does_a_cub_become_a_boy_scout/
%
What's the difference between ooooohhh and ehhhhhh?

About 3 inches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xb7nb/whats_the_difference_between_ooooohhh_and_ehhhhhh/
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I like my women how I like my coffee:

Diluted and festooned with so much sweet, pretty bullshit I feel like a fraud for liking them at all, yet possessed of an underlying bitterness and complexity that I secretly fear I will never truly understand or appreciate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xb4gr/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Betting on John Wayne

Two friends are watching a John Wayne film in the theater.  Midway through the film, one of the gentlemen says to his friend “I’ll bet you five dollars that John Wayne gets shot before the end of the movie.”  His buddy accepts: “You’re on!”
Sure enough, by the end of the film, John Wayne got shot in the arm.  As the friends leave the theater, the one who initiated the bet pulls out his wallet and hands five dollars to the loser.
“Here, take the bet money,” he said.  “I cheated, I saw this movie last week and I knew John Wayne would get shot.”
His buddy refuses the money and says “Well, I can’t take that, because I also saw the movie last week, but I was hoping John would be more careful this time.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xb3bc/betting_on_john_wayne/
%
My ex told me yesterday that I'm gay..

But what does he know anyway?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xb1ih/my_ex_told_me_yesterday_that_im_gay/
%
A farmer was asked why he specifically breed satanist Yaks on his farm..

...he said he simply enjoys the yakult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xb1c0/a_farmer_was_asked_why_he_specifically_breed/
%
Why did the Asian pilot get arrested at the airport?

TSA thought he said he was going to "pirate" the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xb103/why_did_the_asian_pilot_get_arrested_at_the/
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Off to the Crusades! (NSFW)

There was a knight married to a beautiful lady. One day, a crusade is called and the knight is forced to leave his castle and head off to the crusades. Before he goes he arranged for his wife to wear a chastity belt, to ensure that none of his servants sleep with his wife in his absence. Yet this is not a regular chastity belt, because the knight was cruel and capricious. This chastity belt had spikes and blades inside so that anyone who would try to have sex with his wife would have their member scarred and mangled. And off to the crusades he goes!
Several years later he returns from the crusade, bloody and weary. His first order of business is to call all his servants together and line them up in the hallway. Somewhat nonplussed, the servants line up as requested. The knight demands that all his servants immediately drop their breeches. Sure enough, every one of his servants' organs are cut and mutilated. Every one that is, except for one.
The knight walks over to this last servant and says, "My wife is a very beautiful lady, and I commend you on having the restraint to not fuck her. Name your reward and it will be yours!"
The servant replies, "Mghbdhgufsgsifbtjsh".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xb0xq/off_to_the_crusades_nsfw/
%
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xazp2/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"

Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xazi5/teacher_what_can_you_get_from_a_chicken/
%
A redneck went to the hospital

as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."
The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied "you might want to get it cleaned because they are all black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xazdr/a_redneck_went_to_the_hospital/
%
A man texts his neighbor ..

A man sent this text to his neighbor.
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I feel terrible about this and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word shot his wife dead.
A few moments later, a second text came in: "‘Damn auto-correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife"."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xayhu/a_man_texts_his_neighbor/
%
I bet if you touch your toes in the shower...

...it would sound like some asshole drowning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xax2e/i_bet_if_you_touch_your_toes_in_the_shower/
%
Trump and Obama go to the same barber

to get a shave. After Trump is done, the barber asks if he'd like some cologne or aftershave. "No", he says, "my wife will think I've been to a whore house" . After Obama gets shaved, the barber asks him the same thing. "Sure, go ahead", he says. "My wife doesn't know what a  whore house smells like".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xas41/trump_and_obama_go_to_the_same_barber/
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What does a Dark Souls player say when they meet someone?

¿Hola, como Estus?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xar9d/what_does_a_dark_souls_player_say_when_they_meet/
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A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream...

Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xaqar/a_guy_with_a_whimpering_faint_voice_orders_an_ice/
%
Me and the wife went to an 80's themed fancy dress party last week. She didn't want me to go as a pop star...

...but i was adamant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xaokm/me_and_the_wife_went_to_an_80s_themed_fancy_dress/
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a pervert calls a retirement home

an old lady picks up.
he starts directly "hey granny guess what i am holding in my hand ? "
granny replies " oh if it fits in one hand only then i am not interested "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xamk3/a_pervert_calls_a_retirement_home/
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Trump clearly loves America...

He's fucking it as much as he can!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xamcf/trump_clearly_loves_america/
%
So, Nintendo's stopped production of the Wii U and are producing their new console.

Looks like they decided it's a good time for a Switch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xam87/so_nintendos_stopped_production_of_the_wii_u_and/
%
I identify as a tri-sexual...

I try to have sex, but I fail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xahkx/i_identify_as_a_trisexual/
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A guy asks his wife for sex, and she replies, "I can't, it's Lent."

Furious, he yells, "to whom and for how long?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xagud/a_guy_asks_his_wife_for_sex_and_she_replies_i/
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I suddenly forgot where the sun went at night...

...then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xaglz/i_suddenly_forgot_where_the_sun_went_at_night/
%
How many emos like anagrams?

Some.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xag51/how_many_emos_like_anagrams/
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Friend: "What's your opinion on communism?"

Me: "I don't want to share"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xadol/friend_whats_your_opinion_on_communism/
%
I just watched a documentary about beavers.

Best dam show I've ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xa7qj/i_just_watched_a_documentary_about_beavers/
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What's the difference between a pound of cocaine and a 4 year old child?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a pound of cocaine fall out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xa5vh/whats_the_difference_between_a_pound_of_cocaine/
%
What was Hitlers campaign slogan?

Gotta catch them all...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xa4oo/what_was_hitlers_campaign_slogan/
%
Every selfie that my mate Richard posts online...

...is a dick pic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xa3g3/every_selfie_that_my_mate_richard_posts_online/
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I remember when I first used Reddit.

Everything was new. To me there were no reposts.
What a good 4 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xa2dv/i_remember_when_i_first_used_reddit/
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I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5xa237/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
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I was out driving last night, when I started feeling a little bit horny…

I picked up a hooker and did her in the backseat and really enjoyed myself, but I think I failed my driving test…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9xl2/i_was_out_driving_last_night_when_i_started/
%
I love cheap prostitutes

They are always a bang for your buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9u78/i_love_cheap_prostitutes/
%
Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9txw/three_guys_stranded_on_a_desert_island_find_a/
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At the wedding

Priest: Will you love & honor her?
Groom: I will
[Bride whispers to priest]
Priest: And leave your phone unlocked?
Groom: I'm out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9srt/at_the_wedding/
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I was biking to work today and someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!

I'm ok though. The injuries were super fish oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9srf/i_was_biking_to_work_today_and_someone_threw_a/
%
f(x) walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9se9/fx_walks_into_a_bar/
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I just finished reading a book called "How To Give Constructive Criticism"

It was fucking shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9qdl/i_just_finished_reading_a_book_called_how_to_give/
%
What do you call a pig with two eyes?

A piig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9q80/what_do_you_call_a_pig_with_two_eyes/
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Two blondes are walking in the woods.

They come across some tracks. One says they are deer tracks. The other says no they are bear tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9pc4/two_blondes_are_walking_in_the_woods/
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My girlfriend is really tight.

She saves lots of money but spends it on nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9p3f/my_girlfriend_is_really_tight/
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I just found out my wife is dead...

The Sex was the same but the dishes have been stacked for days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9p1x/i_just_found_out_my_wife_is_dead/
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Woke up hungover to the sound of my ASSHOLE neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am!.

Well he'll just have to mow around me today, I ain't moving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9ojr/woke_up_hungover_to_the_sound_of_my_asshole/
%
What do you get if you spell Man backwards?

Flashbacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9jme/what_do_you_get_if_you_spell_man_backwards/
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I like my women like I like my diarrhea

Brown, chunky, and on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9hsy/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_diarrhea/
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What do you call a bunch of racist Mexicans?

Que Que Que

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9hei/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_racist_mexicans/
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A Crusty Old Marine

A minister was seated on a plane bound from Hong Kong to the US with a stopover in Honolulu. After the stopover a crusty old Marine boarded and as fate would have it he was seated next to the minister. After the plane was airborne, to continue on it’s journey, drink orders were taken.
The Flight Attendant asked the  Marine if he wanted a drink? The Marine asked for Rum & Coke, which was prepared and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.  He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The old  Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't realise  we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9gre/a_crusty_old_marine/
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A Catholic Priest told this joke at a Wedding.

Adam woke up in the Garden of Eden.   After a while of wandering around he became sad.   God came to him and asked "Adam, why are you sad? I have created this amazing garden for you."   Adam replies, "Why does every other being have mate and I do not?"  God replies " Very well I will create for you a perfect mate. But it will cost you an arm and a leg."  Adam thinks for a bit and then replies "What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9dp7/a_catholic_priest_told_this_joke_at_a_wedding/
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How did the mexican girl get pregnant?

The teacher told her to make an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9dlw/how_did_the_mexican_girl_get_pregnant/
%
Last night my wife and I did it "doggy-style"...

I sat up and begged, and she rolled over and played dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9bpg/last_night_my_wife_and_i_did_it_doggystyle/
%
A grass hopper hops into a bar

The barman says: "Hey we've name a drink after you!" The grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Steve!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x99q4/a_grass_hopper_hops_into_a_bar/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women.

Black and straight from the plantation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9958/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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Is Google a he or a she ?

A she, no doubt, because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x95ht/is_google_a_he_or_a_she/
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Make sure you get your Betsy DeVos jokes in...

While people can still read

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x92xz/make_sure_you_get_your_betsy_devos_jokes_in/
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I asked my north korean friend how things were over there

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x910h/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_things_were/
%
The first woman in space...

"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind."
What's the problem?
"Nothing."
Please tell us.
"I'm fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x9100/the_first_woman_in_space/
%
Q: what is it called when a Russian does not want to come over to your place for sex?

A: Nyetflix and chill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8yd7/q_what_is_it_called_when_a_russian_does_not_want/
%
Of all the racial slurs, "chinaman" has to be the laziest.

A black guy probably came up with it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8vwd/of_all_the_racial_slurs_chinaman_has_to_be_the/
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Laziest Of All

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he
announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up?”
Nine hands went up.
“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.
“Too much trouble,” came the reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8vi5/laziest_of_all/
%
"Am I ugly?"

Boy: Am I ugly?
Girl: God has no ugly creation.
Boy: So I'm not ugly then?
Girl: I'm just not sure if you're God's creation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8v6d/am_i_ugly/
%
What do you call a sneezing Jew ?

a jewwwwwwwww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8umi/what_do_you_call_a_sneezing_jew/
%
This blind guy walks into a lesbian bar...

sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
The lesbian bartender realizes he's blind so she serves him.
He sits there for a while and then announces that he has a blonde joke to tell.
The bartender says,"Just so you know, you're in lesbian bar and there are 5 blonde, badass, butch, lesbians sitting on either side of you so you might wanna reconsider telling a blonde joke."
The blind man immediately says,"Oh, yeah never mind."
The bartender laughs and say,"Don't wanna get your ass kicked, do ya."
The blind man says,"No, I just don't wanna have to explain the joke 5 times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8slj/this_blind_guy_walks_into_a_lesbian_bar/
%
How does a jew make his coffee ?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8r7w/how_does_a_jew_make_his_coffee/
%
A man walks into a bar...

and he lost the limbo contest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8nag/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Leaving the grocery store

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8jxm/leaving_the_grocery_store/
%
What do you get when you finger a Gypsy on the rag?

Your palm red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8jup/what_do_you_get_when_you_finger_a_gypsy_on_the_rag/
%
Why wasn't the lifeguard able to safe the drowning hippy?

He was too far out, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8jq4/why_wasnt_the_lifeguard_able_to_safe_the_drowning/
%
What's the worst part of getting locked out of your car outside of an abortion clinic?

You gotta go inside and ask for a coat hanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8iym/whats_the_worst_part_of_getting_locked_out_of/
%
Two whores were riding a motorcycle....

... When suddenly your mom fell off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8if0/two_whores_were_riding_a_motorcycle/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

It doesn't cost me $50 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8h1g/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
I went to a Buddhist hotdog stand...

...and they made me one with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8fas/i_went_to_a_buddhist_hotdog_stand/
%
What is the difference between....

The Rolling stones, and a Scotsman?
Well, the rolling stones sing that song.
"Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"
and the Scotsman says
"Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8dvl/what_is_the_difference_between/
%
Why do women love Jesus?

They know he'll come again, and it'll be a while until then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8dbu/why_do_women_love_jesus/
%
A bus carrying 53 politicians rolls off a cliff....

A farmer sees what happened and buries all the politicians.
Two hours later there are 100 reporters at the farmhouse to interview the poor fellow. One reporter asked him - did you make sure they were all dead before burying them?
The farmer replied - the truth is, some of them said they were still alive, but I know never to trust a politician!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8aru/a_bus_carrying_53_politicians_rolls_off_a_cliff/
%
DAD

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. I go Tuesdays, she goes Fridays.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x894b/dad/
%
What do you call people who like Mondays?

Retired people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x87b4/what_do_you_call_people_who_like_mondays/
%
What happened when the carpenter knocked his tools off a pier?

He saw the seas seize his saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x849h/what_happened_when_the_carpenter_knocked_his/
%
What's the dif between a whore and a bitch?

A whore will bang anyone......a bitch will bang anyone but you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x8248/whats_the_dif_between_a_whore_and_a_bitch/
%
Ok guys seriously, can we stop with the obese jokes??

I mean they already have enough on their plate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x80ps/ok_guys_seriously_can_we_stop_with_the_obese_jokes/
%
What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x7v0e/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
King Arthur became king of England by pulling a sword from a stone.

Donald Trump became president of the United States by pulling words out of his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x7q2e/king_arthur_became_king_of_england_by_pulling_a/
%
How does a blind man know when he's done wiping?

When he stops smelling shit and starts smelling blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x7oqb/how_does_a_blind_man_know_when_hes_done_wiping/
%
Did you know that Kim Jong Un has read every book in existance?

Thats why they call him the Supreme Reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x7nzf/did_you_know_that_kim_jong_un_has_read_every_book/
%
First time I went to jail....

I got placed in the same cell as a very intimidating guy.
The first question he asked me is if I wanna play house.
Scared I said "Yes"
He asked me if I wanted to be mommy or daddy. I told him I wanted to be daddy.
So he told me "Ok come suck mommy's dick "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x7nha/first_time_i_went_to_jail/
%
What did the Romans say after they caught the heretic?

Nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x7kfm/what_did_the_romans_say_after_they_caught_the/
%
A Redditor was talking to his friend.

His friend asked "So, have you decided on a job you'd like to get?" The Redditor shook his head, saying "All of the jobs are already taken by people on Reddit."
"Maybe you could work on newspapers?" The Redditor replied "There's a news subreddit that already does that."
"What about a video game tester?" Again, the Redditor replied "There's a gaming subreddit that already does that."
"What about a recycling center?" Again, the Redditor replied "There's a joke subreddit that already does that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x7k60/a_redditor_was_talking_to_his_friend/
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Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x7ehv/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
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Dave and John have a conversation

Dave: Are you a virgin
John: I was, until yesterday
Dave: I don't believe you
John: No, seriously, ask your sister
Dave: I don't have a sister
John: You will in 9 months.
*flies away snickering on his magic unicorn*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x7c4m/dave_and_john_have_a_conversation/
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I used to feel that I was a man trapped in a woman's body...

Then my mother gave birth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x7ahy/i_used_to_feel_that_i_was_a_man_trapped_in_a/
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My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it...

But he's sticking to his guns on this one.  Stubborn man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x7aci/my_dad_rubs_elmers_glue_on_his_hands_like_lotion/
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If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x77p2/if_youre_depressed_try_drinking_a_pint_of_water/
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What's Clear and smells like red paint?

Chloroform, Shhhh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x76yy/whats_clear_and_smells_like_red_paint/
%
Got my girlfriend today while airing up a tire

Her- "Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!"
Me- "Inflation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x74u6/got_my_girlfriend_today_while_airing_up_a_tire/
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A girl walks into a dry cleaner

She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x72gh/a_girl_walks_into_a_dry_cleaner/
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What is the similarity between the Titanic and the Toronto Maple Leaves?

They looked pretty good until they hit the ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x72f3/what_is_the_similarity_between_the_titanic_and/
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What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student?

A philosophy student asks you *why* you want fries with that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x717m/whats_the_difference_between_an_art_student_and_a/
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I before E

Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x6yxf/i_before_e/
%
What do ISIS and cats have in common?

They both shit in the sand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x6w9y/what_do_isis_and_cats_have_in_common/
%
A widower was turning 90 years old.

His wife had died 20 years earlier from cancer and he had never remarried or had girlfriend since. So, his sons decided to get their dad a hooker for his birthday and get the old man laid at least one more time before he passed away. They set him up in a fancy hotel suite downtown and told him to order room service or whatever he wanted to celebrate. Soon after he checked in they sent the hooker up. She knocked on the door in her skin tight dress and the old man was little surprised when saw her through the peephole, thinking she'd come to the wrong room, but he opened up the door. She bounded in room with all the right jiggly bits in all the right places and in a breathy, sultry voice said, "I'm here to give you super sex." The old man thought for a second and said, "Alright, I'll take the soup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x6ucq/a_widower_was_turning_90_years_old/
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How to start a fight on Internet in two steps

1. Express your opinion.
2. Wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x6u1n/how_to_start_a_fight_on_internet_in_two_steps/
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A hunter sets out in search of a bear to shoot for its pelt. He comes across a clearing and spots a small black bear...

He levels his rifle and lines his sights up on the black bear and fires. He puts his rifle sling over his shoulder but before he can step out of the shadows into the clearing he is tapped upon the shoulder. He turns and sees a massive grizzly bear. The Grizzly in a stern tone says to the hunter "That was my cousin you murdered. By right I should maul you to death then eat you. Seeing as I have just eaten I'll offer you a choice, I kill you as I mentioned or we have sex." The hunter reluctantly agrees to have sex with the grizzly.
Three months later after he has recovered physically the hunter embarks out into the wilderness in search of the Grizzly who raped him, on a quest for vengeance. The hunter spies the Grizzly in a tree sleeping, he knows it is the very same, he couldn't forget if he tried. He aims, fires and watches the lifeless bear tumble to the forest floor. As he stands up he hears a twig snap behind him and he whirls around to see an even bigger Grizzly.
"That was my sister you butchered." Says the 14 foot tall Grizzly. "Now i'll give you a choice, since i'm not in the mood for man-flesh. Either I maul you to death right here and leave you for the buzzards, or we have rough bear sex." The exhausted hunter reluctantly agrees to go through this ordeal yet again. He agrees to get bear fucked for 2 straight hours.
6 months later the hunter is back on his feet again and after 8 months he is fit enough to venture back into the woods. He finds the massive Grizzly and shoots it without hesitation but just as he lowers his rifle he hears a voice behind him, chuckling to itself. The hunter turns around and sees a giant polar bear. The polar bear says to the hunter "Admit it, you aren't out here for the hunting."
-Old Joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x6qnk/a_hunter_sets_out_in_search_of_a_bear_to_shoot/
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In a little-known piece of rock history..

Courtney Love once asked Jon Bon Jovi to name her new band. Bon Jovi jokingly suggested 'Hole'.
Love though this was great - provocative and rude - so she went with it. Her ex, Corey Hart, of 'Sunglasses At Night' fame, did not approve. He sought to confront Bon Jovi on the night of Hole's first gig and, a little drunk, tried to climb the fence of Bon Jovi's LA estate.
Bon Jovi, thinking Hart an intruder, winged him with a gun belonging to Bono and The Edge's tour manager, who was dining there that night. The ensuing fracas was in all the papers, overshadowing Hole's debut, and angering Kurt Cobain, who was interested in Hole's lead singer.
Cobain sent Jon Bon Jovi a note, demanding he apologise, and Bon Jovi replied ...
"Shot Corey Hart, and U2 blamed. You give Love a band name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x6jkv/in_a_littleknown_piece_of_rock_history/
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How do you ask a Silicon Valley prostitute for a handjob?

Submit a pull request.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x6ggf/how_do_you_ask_a_silicon_valley_prostitute_for_a/
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Why do cannibals go to the movies alone?

No outside food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x6fal/why_do_cannibals_go_to_the_movies_alone/
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At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled:

"Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living"
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x6ac0/at_an_irish_wedding_reception_someone_yelled/
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Yesterday a barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years

And I didn't even know he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x653n/yesterday_a_barber_in_my_area_was_arrested_for/
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Have you heard about the device that automatically swaps out Xbox discs for you?

It's a game changer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5yy2/have_you_heard_about_the_device_that/
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Why are Dutch people so tall?

Shorter ones drowned in floods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5yte/why_are_dutch_people_so_tall/
%
A recent survey reported 3 out of 4 men don't know how to turn on the dishwasher.

I find that lightly fingering her usually does the trick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5wae/a_recent_survey_reported_3_out_of_4_men_dont_know/
%
In the beginning God made the heavens and the earth...

...and from that point on everything was made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5uws/in_the_beginning_god_made_the_heavens_and_the/
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What do you call a cocaine addict whose stash runs out

Crackalackin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5ujd/what_do_you_call_a_cocaine_addict_whose_stash/
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If you asked QB Jay Cutler For Change of a Dollar

He'd only give you 3 good quarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5scm/if_you_asked_qb_jay_cutler_for_change_of_a_dollar/
%
What's the worst part about riding a train who's conductor is into bdsm?

You can only get off when they tell you to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5s6p/whats_the_worst_part_about_riding_a_train_whos/
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Work or Pleasure?

A U.S. Army General was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the general decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the general turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The general was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5r32/work_or_pleasure/
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Someone threw some Omega 3 tablets at my head the other day

I'm ok though, my injuries were only super fish oil
*I'll see myself out*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5qlx/someone_threw_some_omega_3_tablets_at_my_head_the/
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When two people do it, it's called twosome.

When three people do it, it's called threesome.
Now I think I know why all my friends call me handsome...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5qi4/when_two_people_do_it_its_called_twosome/
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"Mom, mom, quiz me on capitals please!"

"Okay, what's the capital of Germany?"
"That's easy, Berlin."
"And the capital of France?"
"Berlin"
"And the one of Poland?"
"Also Berlin."
"Good job Adolf, good job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5o3c/mom_mom_quiz_me_on_capitals_please/
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What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?

It's butt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5n8h/whats_the_last_thing_that_goes_through_a_bugs/
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What's the difference between a restored church and a bumhole dipped in holy water?

One's a rectified sanctum...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5jvw/whats_the_difference_between_a_restored_church/
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Why did the physics teacher breakup with the biology teacher ?

There was no chemistry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5jqr/why_did_the_physics_teacher_breakup_with_the/
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Take your time picking your Cabinet.

Don't be Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5ijm/take_your_time_picking_your_cabinet/
%
Why did the orange stop?

It ran out of juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5hhv/why_did_the_orange_stop/
%
All those years of phone sex has caught up with me...

I now have hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5gt7/all_those_years_of_phone_sex_has_caught_up_with_me/
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Bought a Russian car...

The salesman said it was the krem de la kremlin, but every time it's putin gear, it keeps stalin. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not lenin you my car!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x5g9t/bought_a_russian_car/
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*boy whispers to his mom during a wedding*

boy: “Mommy?”
mom: “What?”
boy: “Why is the girl dressed in white?”
mom: “Because this is the happiest day of her life.”
boy: “… so why is the boy dressed in black?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x58ht/boy_whispers_to_his_mom_during_a_wedding/
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My boss told me to have a good day...

...So I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x57op/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
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What does a priest and a tortoise have in common?

They both like to get there before the hare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x56tn/what_does_a_priest_and_a_tortoise_have_in_common/
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I thought Republicans were the stupidest people in the world for calling Obama "Hussein"

Then I saw the Democrats call Trump "Drumpf"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x55kb/i_thought_republicans_were_the_stupidest_people/
%
How come Link never brushes his teeth?

He wants breath of the wild.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x53tj/how_come_link_never_brushes_his_teeth/
%
RIP to all the water that evaporated.

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x53ph/rip_to_all_the_water_that_evaporated/
%
True story! I supervise medical residents and was told one's name was pronounced 'az-wee-pay'.

Embroidered on her lab coat:   ASSWIPE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x536k/true_story_i_supervise_medical_residents_and_was/
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Elon Musk and Bill Gates create a penis enlargement product.

They call it Elongate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x51vg/elon_musk_and_bill_gates_create_a_penis/
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A contrite nun takes a vow of silence...

She's confined to a small cell in the convent's basement.
After one year, Mother Superior says, "To reward your one year of silence, you are allowed to speak one word."
Shivering, the nun says "cold!"    She was given a blanket.
A second year passed.  "Another year, Sister.  You may speak one word."
Placing her hand over her emaciated stomach, she says, "hungry."
They increased her daily food ration from 1/2 cup to 1cup broth, every night.
Third year?  "One word".
"Lonely."
The outraged Mother Superior responded, "well what do you expect?  All you do is BITCH, BITCH, BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x513g/a_contrite_nun_takes_a_vow_of_silence/
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If you call someone who speaks 2 languages bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks one?

American

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4yno/if_you_call_someone_who_speaks_2_languages/
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A guy gets fired his first day on the floor

He gets fired for looking at porn at work.
During his exit interview he says, "I don't understand I thought I was supposed to work hard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4vd2/a_guy_gets_fired_his_first_day_on_the_floor/
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What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain can finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4v44/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
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The Devil burst through the floor of a church in Brooklyn

He starts roaring and shouting in everyone's face saying, "DOOMS DAY HAS COME AND ALL YOUR SOULS ARE NOW MINE!" And he begins to laugh maniacally.
Everybody runs out screaming in terror except for one old dude who is giving him the evil eye. So The Devils gets right in face and roars his loudest roar and screams at him, "WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING!!! ARE YOU NOT AFRAID?"
The guy says, "Look buddy I've been married to your sister for 30 damn years, what makes you think I'd be afraid of you?"
Edited for grammatical clarity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4sx7/the_devil_burst_through_the_floor_of_a_church_in/
%
A Senior With a Black Eye Shows up to School

A senior shows up to school one morning with a black eye. The class stares at him.
"What happened?" One girl says with concern.
"I was drinking last night and must've gotten in a fight. I don't remember it too well, though."
"You're a badass" his best friend says from across the room.
I start laughing out loud, infuriating him.
"Shut up you pussy weak-ass skinny bitch, I don't see your ass getting into fights. I don't see you coming into school with a black eye," he shouts at me.
I reply, "I don't have a black eye because I won."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4rf4/a_senior_with_a_black_eye_shows_up_to_school/
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If you don't get it right the first time...

...skip sky diving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4qvc/if_you_dont_get_it_right_the_first_time/
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After my leg amputation I asked if I could keep my leg.

The doctor asked 'Why?' I said:''Because it's my right!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4nus/after_my_leg_amputation_i_asked_if_i_could_keep/
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What did the fish say when it swam into the wall!?

"Dam"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4naj/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_the_wall/
%
I bought some Shredded wheat, but I think it's a bit of a con.

It's no more muscular than regular wheat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4l50/i_bought_some_shredded_wheat_but_i_think_its_a/
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What does a calf use to do maths?

A cowculator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4jz5/what_does_a_calf_use_to_do_maths/
%
Why can't you take Skrillex fishing?

He's always dropping the bass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4juz/why_cant_you_take_skrillex_fishing/
%
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs

A wheelchair user after a house fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4jet/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_the_stairs/
%
Is there an afterlife?

I sure as hell don't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4ht1/is_there_an_afterlife/
%
I won’t go anywhere near foot hygiene tools...

I hear some of them are pedi files

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4gek/i_wont_go_anywhere_near_foot_hygiene_tools/
%
I was thirsty one day and someone said, "Drink Canada Dry."

Man they got alot of water up there..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4exv/i_was_thirsty_one_day_and_someone_said_drink/
%
My dentist told me to open up....

so I started telling him how depressed I was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4et1/my_dentist_told_me_to_open_up/
%
My friend said he recreated the Wow! Signal, but it was fake.

It was a Sham Wow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4e13/my_friend_said_he_recreated_the_wow_signal_but_it/
%
An old couple won the lottery...

An old man and his wife; simple, salt of the earth folk, who never lived beyond their means, won the lottery.
Not wanting to lose their way with this sudden windfall, they decided to keep humble.
But as time went on, the husband wanted to treat his wife to expensive things - the things she always deserved but couldn't give her. He remembered reading in a magazine about a new trend - milk baths - that were popular in the city, so he pointed his old truck towards the dairy farm down the road a ways.
He pulls up and the farmer greets him.
"What can I do for you Amos?"
Amos says "Well you know, I'd been a reading bout these milk baths these fancy city folk been doing, and I'd like to buy enough milk to treat my wife to one. "
The farmer scratches his head and asks "Ok, you want it pasteurized?"
"Nah just give me enough to get up to her knees she can splash it up from there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x4b5a/an_old_couple_won_the_lottery/
%
I asked a Spanish class if they have good grades..

They said "si." I said, "why don't you have an A?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x496b/i_asked_a_spanish_class_if_they_have_good_grades/
%
I once knew a man with fine balls of brass.

In stormy weather,
They clung together,
And sparks flew out of his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x48rs/i_once_knew_a_man_with_fine_balls_of_brass/
%
When I was a kid, one day I walked in to the kitchen and saw my dad chopping onions and I started crying.

Onions was a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x48o4/when_i_was_a_kid_one_day_i_walked_in_to_the/
%
How do you make a human corpse float?

Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x41mj/how_do_you_make_a_human_corpse_float/
%
You may become more attractive

If you eat magnets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x40nn/you_may_become_more_attractive/
%
Wife: Do these jeans make me look fat?

Husband:  Come on honey, let's not blame it on the *jeans*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3yn9/wife_do_these_jeans_make_me_look_fat/
%
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas.

The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3x9w/jimmy_received_a_parrot_for_christmas/
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Religious differences

Judge: Why are you divorcing your wife?
Husband : We have major religious differences!
Judge: What are those differences??
Husband : She thinks she is God, I don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3x8r/religious_differences/
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Whats the fastest animal on Earth?

Am Ethiopian chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3x21/whats_the_fastest_animal_on_earth/
%
NSFW A wealthy businessman goes to Vegas and orders a prostitute.

Moments later, he hears a knock on his hotel door, he answers, and in walks the most beautiful prostitute he has ever seen.
"Hi Honey, my name is Amber and I am here to service you" she says. "My only stipulation is that I do not do anal. Now, what would you like me to do first?"
"How about a handjob?" He asks.
"Ok, I give the best handjobs in all of Vegas. That'll be $1,000." She replies.
"$1,000!" the man exclaims. "That is far too expensive. How good could it possibly be!?!" Amber walks over to the window and points to a tall business building on the other side of the street.
"You see that building over there? I purchased that business with only the money that I made giving handjobs." Amber stated.
"Wow, that must be an amazing handjob then. Now I'm intrigued. Ok, let's do it." So the man pays the $1,000 and Amber begins to pleasure the man. And Amber was right, it was the best handjob that he had ever gotten. she sped up and slowed down at just the right moments, leaving him just below the point of climax. A few minutes later, the man couldn't last any longer and had the most intense climax of his life. After he cleaned up he said "Wow, that was amazing, I wonder what you're blowjobs are like."
"I give the best blowjobs in all of Vegas," replied Amber. "My price is $5,000."
"What!!!" The man exclaimed! "I have to admit, that was an amazing handjob, but $5,000 for oral is simply too much!" Again, Amber walked over to the window and pointed out.
"You see that block over there? With all those businesses and a casino? I bought that block with only the money that I made from giving blowjobs." Amber stated.
"Oh, wow! That must be an impressive blowjob. Once again, you've intrigued me. Ok, lets do it." So, the man pays the $5,000 and Amber begins to pleasure the man. And once again, Amber was right. It was the best blowjob the man has ever had. A few minutes later, the man couldn't last anymore and had an even more intense climax than before. After the man cleaned up he said "Wow, that was amazing! Now I must know what you're like in bed. The price doesn't matter, I'll pay whatever to have sex with you!" Again, Amber walked over to the window and looked out at the skyline.
A few moments later Amber said, "Honey, if I had a vagina I'd own this whole city by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3whw/nsfw_a_wealthy_businessman_goes_to_vegas_and/
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An elderly man walks into a confessional.

Man: “I am 92 years old, had a wonderful wife of 70 years who recently passed away, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
Man: “What sins?”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
Man: “I'm Jewish.”
Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”
Man: “I'm 92 years old…I'm telling everybody!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3v2r/an_elderly_man_walks_into_a_confessional/
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I looked at my ceiling today...

I don't know if it's the best ceiling but it's certainly up there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3t3l/i_looked_at_my_ceiling_today/
%
What is long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cucumber!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3rac/what_is_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3qxi/why_couldnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3nva/if_your_phone_auto_corrects_fuck_to_duck_its_okay/
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"Nurse, where are we going?"

"To the morgue."
"But I haven't died yet!"
"The doc said 'to the morgue' — to the morgue it is!"
"But what is wrong with me?!"
"The autopsy will show!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3n1c/nurse_where_are_we_going/
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My wife suggested i get a penis enlarger

So I did, she's 21 and her name is Krystal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3j4o/my_wife_suggested_i_get_a_penis_enlarger/
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Why did the tornado cross the road?

To get the road to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3j2j/why_did_the_tornado_cross_the_road/
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I was telling my wife how good life was on my early 20's before I met her. ...

Out every night. Unlike being home every night.
Broke but happy partying and drinking. Unlike being rich but sober.
Living in a shared house with strangers and only a few possessions. Unlike the luxury I live in now.
Lots of women.  Unlike the one I have.
A car that only just started after screaming at it. Unlike the luxury car I have now.
LIFE WAS AWESOME. As I looked at her as if she had taken my best years away.
"Some good news" she said. Turns out if I keep up this attitude, I will be broke, drunk and homeless again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3j0s/i_was_telling_my_wife_how_good_life_was_on_my/
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A cannibal was in prison.

One day, he ate his cellmate. The warden did not believe he had eaten the man. The cannibal threw up his hands in frustration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3fcl/a_cannibal_was_in_prison/
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Awesome shitjoke including A DEAD FROG ON A LEACH!!

So yeah there's this way too young boy entering a brothel while carrying a case full of money and dragging a dead frog on a leach. After the brothelmother asks what he wants he claims wanting to have fun with one of her girls to catch some nasty illness from her. First the brothelmother wants to refuse, but after he showed her all the money he got she calls a very sick looking girl for him who takes him to her room. After an hour the boys comes out of the room, full of sweat and out of power. The brothelmother can't help but has to ask why he infested himself on purpose at such a young age. The boy starts to explain: 'well, in about half an hour my nanny will take me home, and because she likes little boys a bit to much, we'll do it on our way home. After that, my father will drive her to her place tonight where he's going to fuck her, too. Because he's a horny bastard, he'll surely give my mom also a ride in the morning and when he finally goes to work she'll hook up with the milkman. And THAT is the asshole who rode over my frog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3ezb/awesome_shitjoke_including_a_dead_frog_on_a_leach/
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I have the heart of a lion....

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3e45/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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NASA discovers 10 earth like planets.

Within a month of Trump taking office,  NASA has discovered 10 earth like planets...
They say necessity is the mother of invention !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x3dw4/nasa_discovers_10_earth_like_planets/
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Why is it called "the mall"?

Because instead of going to one store, you're going to them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x37l9/why_is_it_called_the_mall/
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What's Donald Trump's favorite kind of cow?

Moscow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x36hw/whats_donald_trumps_favorite_kind_of_cow/
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My niece calls me ankle...

I call here knees
We are a joint family!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x35y0/my_niece_calls_me_ankle/
%
Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the ark hives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x35jq/where_did_noah_keep_his_bees/
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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while...

Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian.  The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd.  I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."  So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians.  The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd.  I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there.  The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray.  They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x34p1/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_to_israel_to_live/
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A man decided to have a weekend blowout...

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x33xz/a_man_decided_to_have_a_weekend_blowout/
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How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2yru/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
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What's the difference between Global Warming and unprotected sex?

Nothing; they both feel great and scare the fuck outta me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2wwn/whats_the_difference_between_global_warming_and/
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Jobs that don't exist anymore

1. Steve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2wog/jobs_that_dont_exist_anymore/
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Reddit, Imgur and 9gag walk in to a bar.

Reddit orders a beer.
Two days later Imgur orders a beer.
Four days later this joke has a 9gag watermark on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2t8r/reddit_imgur_and_9gag_walk_in_to_a_bar/
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Why wasn't Santa Claus more popular with the kids of the ghetto?

"Damn nigga, they told me it'll be fun, but he's called me a ho three times already and I barely sat on his lap!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2t54/why_wasnt_santa_claus_more_popular_with_the_kids/
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They say wanking with a dead arm is the best

But apparently I ruined that funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2s65/they_say_wanking_with_a_dead_arm_is_the_best/
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What do you get when you cross babies with soldiers?

Infantry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2s00/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_babies_with/
%
I watched a terrible documentary on traffic signals.

Who green-lights these things?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2pe0/i_watched_a_terrible_documentary_on_traffic/
%
Guilty of Annoyance

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.”
Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2kzf/guilty_of_annoyance/
%
I have a Polish friend who has a job as a sound engineer...

I have a Czech one too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2ku5/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_has_a_job_as_a_sound/
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The duck and condom

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2hsv/the_duck_and_condom/
%
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2h8j/on_my_first_day_in_prison_my_cellmate_said_to_me/
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love

... the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic “You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I’ll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2gor/there_was_this_couple_that_had_been_married_for/
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Little Sandy was not the best student in Sunday school

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Sandy, who created the universe?"
When Sandy didn't stir, little Bobby, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Sandy and the teacher said, "Very good" and she fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Sandy, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, she didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Bobby came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Sandy and the teacher said, "very good," and she fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Sandy a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Bobby jabbed her with the pin.
This time Sandy jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2dto/little_sandy_was_not_the_best_student_in_sunday/
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Did you know the entry fee for the Paralympics is really high?

I hear it costs an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2d42/did_you_know_the_entry_fee_for_the_paralympics_is/
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A plane crashes with an english man, a french man and a russian inside.

The plane crashes into the jungle, and the three men are found by a cannibal native tribe.
The leader of the tribe says to them: "If you pass the three challenges I assign you with, I'll let you live. If you fail, we'll eat you."
The three challenges were:
Drink 1000 litres of wine
Pull a thorn out of the great lion's foot
Have sex with the tribe leader's 100 yr old mother.
The english man goes first. He barely drinks half the wine, and he passes out. He gets eaten
The french man is second. He drinks and drinks and drinks, but when he's almost at the end, he passes out as well. They eat him as well.
The russian goes third. He drinks all the wine, and then he goes into the lion's room.
Screams and roars are heard, and after about 3 hours, the russian man comes out with tons of scratches and injuries.
He says to the tribe's leader:"Alright, where's your mother so I can pull the thorn out of her foot?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2cgm/a_plane_crashes_with_an_english_man_a_french_man/
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How do you help a cannibal?

By giving him a hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2a44/how_do_you_help_a_cannibal/
%
The other day, I walked in on my wife masturbating with a coat hanger.

"Are you bored, honey?" I said.
"I'm a bit horny..." she replied.
"Why don't you use a dildo?"
"What do you think I'm looking for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x2a0s/the_other_day_i_walked_in_on_my_wife_masturbating/
%
I was walking down the road and a man offered me a free sofa and chairs.

I said no because my mother always told me not to accept suites from strangers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x28v5/i_was_walking_down_the_road_and_a_man_offered_me/
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RIP boiling water...

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x252w/rip_boiling_water/
%
What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x23cy/what_do_you_call_a_nun_on_a_wheelchair/
%
After having dug to a depth of 100 meters in a mine, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years...

After having dug to a depth of 100 meters in a mine, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 200 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the newspapers read, “English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.”
One week later, Indian newspapers reported the following: “After digging as deep as 5000 meters in Bokaro, Indian scientists have found absolutely NOTHING. They, therefore, have concluded that 5,000 years ago, India's inhabitants were already using WIRELESS TECHNOLOGY!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x22l3/after_having_dug_to_a_depth_of_100_meters_in_a/
%
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's rather time consuming.
He
He
Ha
Ha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x1z8a/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
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Woody walked in on Bo Peep and Buzz sleeping together

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?" Woody said.
The duo stared at him for a moment until Bo Peep said "You've got a friend in me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x1wcy/woody_walked_in_on_bo_peep_and_buzz_sleeping/
%
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys...

Not trying to brag or anything, but I'm bad at everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x1utk/hey_girl_i_heard_you_like_bad_boys/
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My boss wants me to push the envelope but what's the use...

...it will still be stationery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x1rmr/my_boss_wants_me_to_push_the_envelope_but_whats/
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Drink the liquid from a magic 8 ball and you can see the future...

My friend did once and he said he was gonna die, and he did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x1php/drink_the_liquid_from_a_magic_8_ball_and_you_can/
%
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knew it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings."  With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair.
"Drill 7 holes on the seat."  The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "Hmm, the third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "From my asshole."
And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x1np7/three_men_a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

"Keep the tip"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x1mw0/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
Why aren't there any Walmart stores in Iraq?

Because there's a Target on every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x1ky9/why_arent_there_any_walmart_stores_in_iraq/
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After years of research, scientists have concluded that dogs cannot use MRI machines.

But catscan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x1jrw/after_years_of_research_scientists_have_concluded/
%
One night, as a couple lay down for bed

the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x1e4s/one_night_as_a_couple_lay_down_for_bed/
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What do you call a person who sells prosthetic limbs for kids?

a small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x1bkg/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_sells_prosthetic/
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Three women are about to be executed for their crimes

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x18ve/three_women_are_about_to_be_executed_for_their/
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An inspector goes to check on a factory that makes baby bottles and condoms.

When he arrives he meets the supervisor who gives him the tour around the factory. He is first shown the bottle section and he doesn't notice anything out of place.
Afterwards, they walk to the condom and nipple (the rubber thing on top of bottles) section of the factory. The machines that makes condoms and nipples are identical; but the condom one is set to make a distinct _plop_ noise which meant no holes were being made, and the nipple one is set to make a _thunk_ noise so that it makes the holes so the babies can drink what's in the bottle.
The inspector first checks the nipple machine and he hears _thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk_. Not noticing anything weird going on, he writes down everything is ok and moves onto the condom machine.
The machine is making the sounds _plop plop plop plop thunk plop plop plop plop thunk_. This alerts the inspector and tells the supervisor, "You're making a hole in every fifth condom!". "Yeah, it really boosts our baby bottles sales".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x18fa/an_inspector_goes_to_check_on_a_factory_that/
%
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x1692/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
Vladmir Putin visits an American Elementary school

one day Vladmir Putin visits an American Elementary to teach some American students for the day, Vladmir stops halfway through his presentation and asks the class if the have any questions and a little girl in the back raises her hand 'Mr.Putin, Mr.Putin I have 3 questions'
'What are they Sophia' replies Vladmir
'Why did russia invade Crimea?, Did Russia hack the elections?, Why does Russia keep attacking Syria?'
Vladmir confused simply could not think of the answers until suddenly the bell rings and the kids are dismissed for Lunch. When the class comes back Mr.Putin continues 'So class we now get back to questions yes'
'Mr.Putin, Mr.Putin I have 5 questions' said a little boy in the back
'Yes Timothy what are the questions' Vladmir replied
' Why did Russia invade Crimea?, Did Russia hack the elections?, Why does Russia keep attacking Syria?, Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?, and wheres Sophia?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x13y7/vladmir_putin_visits_an_american_elementary_school/
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What did the job interviewer say to the urologist after his successful job interview?

Urine, doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0v9n/what_did_the_job_interviewer_say_to_the_urologist/
%
I don't get why Japanese people and South Korean people just can't get along.

I mean, they're all Chinese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0td0/i_dont_get_why_japanese_people_and_south_korean/
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Why was the police man in bed?

He was an undercover cop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0t8n/why_was_the_police_man_in_bed/
%
My brother lost both his left arm and leg in a car crash..

He's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0rmd/my_brother_lost_both_his_left_arm_and_leg_in_a/
%
Why don't black people go on cruises?

They already fell for that trick once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0rl7/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
%
I only have sex with people I respect.

That's why I don't masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0raw/i_only_have_sex_with_people_i_respect/
%
What do dead musicians do?

Decompose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0qu1/what_do_dead_musicians_do/
%
Do you have a vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have one,' she says.
The man replies,
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0qgp/do_you_have_a_vagina/
%
I went to a brothel that took deer as payment

They described it as the best bang for your buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0pmf/i_went_to_a_brothel_that_took_deer_as_payment/
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance...

...we'll see about that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0ot4/my_therapist_says_i_have_a_preoccupation_with/
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How was copper wire created?

Two Jews found the same penny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0ofd/how_was_copper_wire_created/
%
A rabbi, priest, and lawyer walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0ocu/a_rabbi_priest_and_lawyer_walk_into_a_bar/
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Apparently, "showering her with love"...

...doesn't mean, masturbating on her while she is sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0jsf/apparently_showering_her_with_love/
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Statues

There are these two beautiful marble  statues on either side of a big open piazza. For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life.
The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush to fulfill their greatest desires.
After about a half an hour of rustling around in the bushes they emerge, panting and sweaty.
"Wow" says the one statue, "that was amazing"
"A dream come true" says the other "but we've got a half an hour left, what should we do now?"
"I know" the first responds "this time I'll hold the pigeon down while you shit on it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0j4h/statues/
%
Doctor: "What body part would you be okay with losing?"

Patient: "my spine, it's holding me back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0gkz/doctor_what_body_part_would_you_be_okay_with/
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Agent K: Hey slick, this coffee kinda tastes like dirt...

Agent J: What do you expect, it was ground this morning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0d2u/agent_k_hey_slick_this_coffee_kinda_tastes_like/
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What did the blanket say as it feel off the bed?

Oh Sheet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x09fn/what_did_the_blanket_say_as_it_feel_off_the_bed/
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What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

"How are we supposed to find an egg in this shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x04i0/what_did_one_gay_sperm_say_to_the_other_gay_sperm/
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I went to an Oasis gig with my sister in 1995.

When they came out onto the stage I shouted, "Go Oasis!"
Then my sister left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0494/i_went_to_an_oasis_gig_with_my_sister_in_1995/
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A blonde is drilling in the ice to fish when he hears a voice call out from above...

**There are no fish under the ice**
The guy looks up but doesn't see anyone. He asks - can I at least drill and see for myself?
The answers in a louder tone.
**There are no fish under the ice**
The poor guy looks up and still can't see anyone. He thinks to himself - maybe I'm just hearing voices. He continues drilling.
The voice bellows louder than ever!
**There are no fish under the ice**
Now the blonde begins to tremble as he asks - who speaks to me?
**The owner of the skating rink**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x042p/a_blonde_is_drilling_in_the_ice_to_fish_when_he/
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Why did Medusa have to take harassment in the workplace training?

Because she wouldn't stop objectifying people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5x0272/why_did_medusa_have_to_take_harassment_in_the/
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Two blondes are in heaven...

One asks the other,  "How did you die? "
"I froze to death, " says the second.
"That's awful, "says the first blonde. How does it feel to freeze to death? "
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde.  "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death.  It's sort of calming. How did you die? "
"Well, " says the first blonde,  " I had a heart attack.  You see,  I knew my husband was cheating on me. I came home unexpectedly and went upstairs to find him on the bed naked.  I checked the basement, but no one was there. I ran up to the second floor and checked every room,  but no one was there.  I ran all the way to the attic, but I had a massive heart attack and I died."
"Wow, " says the second blonde,  "If you checked the freezer we would both be alive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wzyq0/two_blondes_are_in_heaven/
%
Dad wanted to teach his son how to shoot a bow and and arrow.

So they go out to the backyard and Dad shows the son how to do it.
The son takes the bow and fires off, and the arrow goes flying over the fence and into their neighbor's yard. The son goes to retrieve the arrow. When he comes back, arrow in hand, he says:
"Dad, I have bad news and very very bad news, which one do you wanna hear first."
"Give me the not-so-bad news." says Dad.
"The arrow shot our neighbor's dick off."
"And the really bad news?"
"It shot through both of Mom's cheeks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wzyfk/dad_wanted_to_teach_his_son_how_to_shoot_a_bow/
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I bet dating Zelda would be fun.

A princess in the streets, but Sheik in the sheets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wzvgd/i_bet_dating_zelda_would_be_fun/
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A man goes to the pharmacists and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills

A man goes to the pharmacist and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills.
The pharmacist is confused and asks “why 3 1/2?”
The man responds. "Well, Monday I am going to see my mistress and I need two. I need one for Wednesday with my wife. And on Friday, I am going to the sauna and it just needs to look presentable.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wzskn/a_man_goes_to_the_pharmacists_and_asks_for_3_12/
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I was the second man on the moon

Neil before me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wzs56/i_was_the_second_man_on_the_moon/
%
A Jewish son asks his Jewish father for $50

The dad responds "$40?! What the hell do you need $30 for?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wzrfy/a_jewish_son_asks_his_jewish_father_for_50/
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Why don't Ewoks yell inside?

Because they use their Endor voices!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wzk6p/why_dont_ewoks_yell_inside/
%
I've been trying to recapture my lost youth...

I should really get that basement door fixed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wzk6d/ive_been_trying_to_recapture_my_lost_youth/
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My doctor gave me six months to live

However I couldn't pay the bill so he gave six more months to live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wzjt8/my_doctor_gave_me_six_months_to_live/
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I was going to tell you a joke about introverts, but you wouldn't get it.

It's an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wzik1/i_was_going_to_tell_you_a_joke_about_introverts/
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My grief counsellor died recently

But she was so good I couldn't give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wzhiq/my_grief_counsellor_died_recently/
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Huang Fu and the Bottle of Wine Parable

Huang Fu was a very rich man who was deliberately tough on his farmhand, Hop. Huang Fu gave Hop a bottle and said, "Buy me a bottle of wine."
Hop, the poor farmhand enquired, "How can I buy you wine with no money at all?" Huang Fu replied disdainfully, "Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money."
Time elapsed and Hop eventually arrived with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to Huang Fu and murmured, "Enjoy the wine, please."
Staring at the empty bottle with some dismay, Huang asked, "There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?"
Hop replied to Huang Fu, with a straight face, "Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some.  It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wzdsa/huang_fu_and_the_bottle_of_wine_parable/
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Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wzci1/why_dont_ants_get_sick/
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What happens if you google "Lost Medieval Servant Boy"?

It says "This paige cannot be found".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wz6cs/what_happens_if_you_google_lost_medieval_servant/
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What's the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?

You can't milk a cow for two thousand years...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wz4n3/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_the/
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I tried teaching my mom how to build a PC

But all it did was make my motherboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wz3ud/i_tried_teaching_my_mom_how_to_build_a_pc/
%
When life gives you lemons...

Fuck life in the arse and give life lemon AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wz0m6/when_life_gives_you_lemons/
%
I go through my liquor like I go through women.

Sober now for 28 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wyzvw/i_go_through_my_liquor_like_i_go_through_women/
%
My wife is like gravity

Always there, and constantly bringing me down in life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wyzs8/my_wife_is_like_gravity/
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A stork brings a baby to a couple...

...but a Swallow takes one away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wyyt8/a_stork_brings_a_baby_to_a_couple/
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How many friend zoned guys does it take to change a light bulb?

0, they just compliment it and get annoyed when it doesn't screw itself in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wyxbw/how_many_friend_zoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
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I can swallow a rope and make it come out the other end tied.

I shit you knot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wyufq/i_can_swallow_a_rope_and_make_it_come_out_the/
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In the gateway to heaven, stands Gabriel the angel...

...and a guy comes along who recently passed away. "Welcome to Heaven," said Gabriel, "may I ask how you died?"
The guy says "look you won't believe it, I came home and saw my wife dressing up hastily and realized she was cheating on me. I looked for the fucker everywhere, until I heard screams from the balcony. I go outside and see the son of a bitch hanging from the edge of my balcony! I was so pissed off that I pushed his hands off the railing and he fell down 2 stories. But the motherfucker was still alive! I couldn't control myself, so I pushed the fridge over the balcony and it killed him. Then I had a heart attack and got here."
"Phew, quite a story!" says Gabriel, "well, you can go inside now..." and the man goes inside.
Another man arrives and Gabriel welcomes him to Heaven, asking how he died. "It's the craziest thing! I was watering my plants in the balcony, and then I slipped and fell off, but I was able to hang on to the balcony of the apartment below mine. And then this crazy guy comes and pushes me off! Luckily enough, I somehow made it. But then I looked up and I see a giant fridge! It killed me and I got here."
"Wow, crazy! Well, in you go..." said Gabriel and the second man enters Heaven.
A few moments later a third man comes along. "Hello!" says Gabriel, "welcome to Heaven! May I ask how you died..?"
"So, I'm hiding in a fridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wys6e/in_the_gateway_to_heaven_stands_gabriel_the_angel/
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What do you call a gay ship?

A ferry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wys42/what_do_you_call_a_gay_ship/
%
A blonde wants to buy a new TV

She goes into a store, makes her choice and asks an assistant "How much does this TV cost?"
The assistant looks at her and says "Sorry ma'am I'm afraid we don't sell to blondes." Confused and irritated, the blonde leaves the store. Determined to buy a TV, she dyes her hair black and goes back a week later. She goes to checkout and says "I'd like to buy this TV." The cashier looks up at her and says "sorry ma'am, but we don't sell to blondes."
"But how did you know I was a natural blonde? And why won't you sell me this TV, just because I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave, ma'am"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wyqbm/a_blonde_wants_to_buy_a_new_tv/
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Why were the Star Wars movies released as 4, 5, 6, followed by 1, 2, 3 and then 7 and most recently Rogue One at 4.5?

In charge of release schedule, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wyp9r/why_were_the_star_wars_movies_released_as_4_5_6/
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I just learned about the pharaoh who did not fart very often

Toot Uncommon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wymf0/i_just_learned_about_the_pharaoh_who_did_not_fart/
%
My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wylj4/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
%
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wyku9/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
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The egg said to the pot of boiling water....

It's gonna take a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wyi72/the_egg_said_to_the_pot_of_boiling_water/
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Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs ?

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wyffo/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
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I used to date this girl named Ling

but then I had to dumpling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wyfcq/i_used_to_date_this_girl_named_ling/
%
What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wydzz/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wybuq/what_does_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
Why dont blind people skydive?

Because it's scares the shit out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wy2w3/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
%
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a grocer comes in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.
The grocer was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'Thank You' card and a bag of fresh vegetables waiting for him at his door.
Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.
The politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up,
there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wy1zu/one_day_a_florist_went_to_a_barber_for_a_haircut/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves...

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wy0fz/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
Management

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxzsu/dear_employees/
%
An engineer said: When I was young I decided to go to medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets
P N E I S
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when straight.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are Engineers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxzny/an_engineer_said_when_i_was_young_i_decided_to_go/
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I told my gf she drew her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxwmq/i_told_my_gf_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too_high/
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A blonde joke

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxuip/a_blonde_joke/
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There is only one way Communist jokes are funny,

If everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxtx7/there_is_only_one_way_communist_jokes_are_funny/
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A hot naked woman robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxr2c/a_hot_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank/
%
Why isn't Pinocchio in a serious relationship?

Because he wants no strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxqiq/why_isnt_pinocchio_in_a_serious_relationship/
%
A man dies and goes to Heaven...

When he arrives he is greeted by St. Peter who says "welcome! Allow me to give you a tour!"
They begin their tour by walking down a long, magnificent hallway. They pass an open door with a large open room. Inside the room there is a large group of people silently praying.
"What's going on in here?" the man asks St Peter.
"Oh that's the Pentecosts." says St Peter nonchalantly.
"That's odd " the man says. "Pentecosts are usually really loud, and jubilant and jumping around and speaking in tongues. Why are they so quiet?"
"Well on Earth they were loud and jubilant. Now that they're in Heaven, they have found tremendous value in silent reflection."
"Oh that's interesting" the man says as they continue walking. A few minutes later they pass another large room with people running around, screaming, whooping and hollering with excitement.
"who are these people?" the man asks.
"Oh those are the Catholics." says St. Peter.
"WHAT?" says the man stunned.
"Yeah, you see on Earth the Catholics were silent, and ritualistic. Now that they're in Heaven they're filled with excitement and joy like they've never had."
"Huh. Ok" says the man still somewhat surprised. They continue walking.
They eventually arrive at a third door which is shut, chained, and locked. There's a giant sign hung on the door which simply says "QUIET!"
"What is going on here?" the man asked very confused.
"SHHHHHHH!" St Peter hushed him very emphatically. He then leans into the man and whispers "Those are the Baptists. They think they're the only ones here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxp2s/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
Wanna hear a joke about pizza!?

Nevermind, it's too cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxmig/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_pizza/
%
Did you hear about the magic pen that God gave Joseph Smith to write the Book of Mormon?

Every time Joe wrote something made up, the pen would leave ink on the page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxkt1/did_you_hear_about_the_magic_pen_that_god_gave/
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What do dyslexic, agnostic, insomniacs do at night?

Sit up and wonder if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxigb/what_do_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniacs_do_at_night/
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Im not racist or anything

But I was walking home from work and I saw a black guy carrying a TV. I thought maybe I reconized it and ran home only to find low and behold, he was still there scrubbing my floor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxgfe/im_not_racist_or_anything/
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A Roman Walks into a Bar

He holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxcei/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I feel like I got a bad deal on my dwarf transformation surgery...

I was definitely short-changed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxc83/i_feel_like_i_got_a_bad_deal_on_my_dwarf/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wxawr/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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A couple of years ago, one night

, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wx80y/a_couple_of_years_ago_one_night/
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Two guys are cutting down trees

. The guy cuts down 3 trees and is tired. After work he meets his friend and asks him: "How many trees did you cut down?"
His friend says: "Around 20."
He can't believe so he asks: "How could you possibly cut down 20 trees?"
"Well, it's nothing special. You take a chainsaw, turn it on and start cutting."
"Wait! You turn it on?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wx7tc/two_guys_are_cutting_down_trees/
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A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the    community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and    replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying    after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a    wheelchair?" The sicken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again  : "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wx6m5/a_local_united_way_office_realized_that_it_had/
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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wx6k9/a_flight_is_on_its_way_to_sydney_when_a_blonde_in/
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I like my women like I like my coffee..

Bitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wx5zq/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
The local farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time.

One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no".
One of the towns elders saw what was happening and wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why.
The farmer replied," Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men
came up, they asked,' That mule for sale?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wx440/the_local_farmer_had_a_wife_who_nagged_him_all/
%
Dark humour

Is like a kid with cancer they never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wx3ym/dark_humour/
%
What does a gay rooster with low standards say?

"Any-cock'll-dooooooo!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wx1of/what_does_a_gay_rooster_with_low_standards_say/
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And the Lord said unto John...

"Come forth and you shall receive eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wx0lc/and_the_lord_said_unto_john/
%
I left my husband after he changed his name to "John Cena".

I just couldn't see him anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wwzhb/i_left_my_husband_after_he_changed_his_name_to/
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Little Johnny goes a Whorehouse (Long)

Little Johnny goes to a whorehouse and knocks on the door. The Madame answers the door, and sees Little Johnny standing there holding a string with a squished frog on it.
Madame - "How I can help you?
Little Johnny - "I'd like to have sex".
Madame - "You're 10 years old!"
Little Johnny - "I've got money, and I wanna fuck! Is there a girl here with an STD?"
Madame - "Of course not. All of our girls are clean!"
Little Johnny - "Bullshit! I talked to the guys on the corner. They said there's a girl in here named Amber who has herpes. I want her."
Madame - "Suit yourself."
Little Johnny takes Amber upstairs, handles his business, and comes back down to pay.
Madame - "I gotta know. Why would a boy of your age, come here, pay to have sex, and then choose a girl with herpes?"
Little Johnny - "Well, I fucked her, so now I have it. I'm going to go home and fuck the baby sitter, so then she'll have it. When Daddy gets home, he's gonna fuck the baby sitter, and then he'll have it. When Mama gets home, she's gonna fuck Daddy, and then she'll have it. When Daddy goes to work tomorrow, Mama's gonna fuck the Mail Man, and THAT's the Son-of-a-Bitch that ran over my frog!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wwv28/little_johnny_goes_a_whorehouse_long/
%
Two Blondes on opposite sides of a river...

- Blonde [A] "how do I get to the other side?"
- Blonde [B]  "you are on the other side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wwsym/two_blondes_on_opposite_sides_of_a_river/
%
What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?

I hear invoices!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wwruo/what_did_the_schizophrenic_bookkeeper_say/
%
Why did the therapist's patient like to run so much?

Because he had ten issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wwqsj/why_did_the_therapists_patient_like_to_run_so_much/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wwp3m/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
What do you call a redheaded baker?

A ginger bread man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wwnut/what_do_you_call_a_redheaded_baker/
%
I realised that my new girlfriend was a bit of a slut

when I asked if she preferred to be on top or underneath during sex.
She replied "Middle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wwl46/i_realised_that_my_new_girlfriend_was_a_bit_of_a/
%
A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist...

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."
The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wwf8d/a_blonde_cop_stops_a_blonde_motorist/
%
What's the difference between a Priest and a zit?

At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it comes on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wwbto/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_zit/
%
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job?

She couldn't control her pupils

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wwaf4/did_you_hear_about_the_crosseyed_teacher_who_lost/
%
I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
(Emo Philips)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ww857/i_found_a_wallet_on_the_sidewalk_today_i_was/
%
What's the difference between light and hard?

I can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ww6f7/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
ISIS Warrior, Frog, Doctor

An ISIS Warrior walks into his Doctor's office with a Frog sitting on his head.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asks.
"Well as you might have seen, there's a really big tumor on my ass." replied the frog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ww2kk/isis_warrior_frog_doctor/
%
A stuttering dude was unemployed...

Once upon a time there was a stuttering lad who could not find work. Finally, he came across a book store with a "help wanted" sign. He went in and got a job.
His boss told him that he could not work in the store, but he would walk around the neighborhood selling books door to door. The boss didn't think the stuttering employee had a chance.
After one hour, the stuttering man returned with $1000. The boss could not believe it. The boss sent him out again, and the stuttering man returned with $1000 the next hour.
The boss asked him "how do you sell so well?!"
The stuttering man said "Well, b-b-b-b-boss, it's simp-p-p-p-p-p-ple, I j-j-j-just w-w-w-wait t-t-t-till they open the d-d-d-door, and I t-t-t-tell them that they c-c-c-can either b-b-b-buy the b-b-b-b-book, or I c-c-c-can r-r-read it t-t-to them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ww0kf/a_stuttering_dude_was_unemployed/
%
NSFW A woman was lying on the beach one day...

When suddenly a bee flies into her vagina.
Scared as she was, she went to the doctors office and received a male doctor in the urgent matters.
She explained her problem to him. He said there was nothing to worry about.
"Just go home and put some honey on your husbands dick, and ask him to put it in you. In that way the bee will stick to the honey and your husband can just take it out".
The woman explained to the doctor that she had no husband or a boyfriend.
The doctor would gladly help her in this case, and did what he had said. He put some honey on his dick and put it in her vagina. But suddenly he started to move it back and forth and the woman asked "shouldn't you just stay inside"
The doctor said in a rush "I changed my mind, i'm gonna shoot that motherfucker instead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wvzda/nsfw_a_woman_was_lying_on_the_beach_one_day/
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I'm happy to invite you to tomorrow's "Masturbaters Anonymous" meeting.

Please come alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wvy13/im_happy_to_invite_you_to_tomorrows_masturbaters/
%
My best friend became a serial killer after his girlfriend Ruth left him

Now that shes gone, he pretty much became ruthless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wvvwy/my_best_friend_became_a_serial_killer_after_his/
%
My girlfriend likes to get pumped up before we do a workout.

Then I deflate her afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wvv5a/my_girlfriend_likes_to_get_pumped_up_before_we_do/
%
What did the suicide bomber instructor say...

I'm only going to show you this once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wvv1b/what_did_the_suicide_bomber_instructor_say/
%
Never trust an atom...

They make up everything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wvkj6/never_trust_an_atom/
%
What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wvgna/whats_brass_and_sounds_like_tom_jones/
%
I tried to look up lighters in Amazon.

All they had was 13,749 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wveao/i_tried_to_look_up_lighters_in_amazon/
%
My first job was working in an orange juice factory.

I got canned...I just couldn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wvcas/my_first_job_was_working_in_an_orange_juice/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wv9pt/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
Two blokes were on a plane one day.......

........ and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. 'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'. 'Yeah no worries', the other one responded. 'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but notice the girl at the check in had massive tits, so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburg I accidentally asked for two pickets to titsburg and she hit me!.. Can I ask how you got yours?'.. 'yeah no worries, it's actually quiet a similar story to yours' the other guys says.. 'I was at home this morning about to eat breakfast with the Mrs and kids and instead of asking me mrs "hey can you please pass me the frosty's cereal", I accidentally said "you've ruined me life you evil cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wv9g6/two_blokes_were_on_a_plane_one_day/
%
I went to a zoo and there turned out to be only a dog in it.

It was a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wv8x3/i_went_to_a_zoo_and_there_turned_out_to_be_only_a/
%
A jew is moving from USSR to Israel

and in his luggage he has a sculpture of Lenin . At the Russian border he is asked:
-What is this?
The jew answers
-The question is not what is this but who is this . This is Lenin and I want to bring him to my home country to preach how great Russia is and how good of an example Lenin is .
They let him pass
At the Israel border he is stopped once again and asked
-What is this ?
The jew answers
-The question is not what is this but who is this .This is Lenin the tyrant of Russia who is having Russia under his boot and woudn't let a simple man like me create a busyness.
They let him pass
Once he gets home his family asks him
-Who is this ?
The jew answers
-The question is not who is this but what is this .This is a 20 pound pure gold bust that I managed to smuggle out of Russia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wv7mj/a_jew_is_moving_from_ussr_to_israel/
%
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wv64e/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_going_down/
%
What does a racist cocaine addict say when he meets a black person?

"White Powder!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wv5gj/what_does_a_racist_cocaine_addict_say_when_he/
%
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wv3y1/yesterday_i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food/
%
Obama was offered to get his face carved into Mount Rushmore

But he declined. He didn't want to get ahead of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wv3r5/obama_was_offered_to_get_his_face_carved_into/
%
Dirty limerick contest!! GO!!!

There was a young artist called Saint
Who ate a whole sampling of paint
The whole of the spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum
With colorful lack of restraint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wv2k2/dirty_limerick_contest_go/
%
Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"
"I did Teacher"
"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"
"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."
"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"
"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wv26t/tommy_comes_back_off_his_holiday_with_his_mum_and/
%
Difference between hypothetical and reality

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wv1l2/difference_between_hypothetical_and_reality/
%
Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...

He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wuw6d/snoop_dogg_should_have_given_the_official/
%
What do you call a fashion designer that rejects everything?

Calvin Deklein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wuw1x/what_do_you_call_a_fashion_designer_that_rejects/
%
My grandpa died in a concentration camp.

Poor guy fell out of the guard tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wut94/my_grandpa_died_in_a_concentration_camp/
%
I used to brag to my grandson about how many girls I picked up at Auschwitz.

He said it doesn't count since I used a dust pan and brush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wurze/i_used_to_brag_to_my_grandson_about_how_many/
%
What's worse than 3 babies in one trashcan?

One baby in 3 trashcans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wurb4/whats_worse_than_3_babies_in_one_trashcan/
%
What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wupr7/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_bitch_with_a_yeast/
%
captain mexico

Always trying to take captain america's job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wuklz/captain_mexico/
%
What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

Everybody misses Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wuj6r/whats_the_difference_between_everybody_and_bullets/
%
Wilson Nails

There's a man named Wilson who owns a nail company, Wilson Nails. Business had been slow lately, so Wilson figures he might want to try putting out a television commercial to drum up some business.
He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Gary who assures him he can make the perfect commercial for Wilson's company. He tells Wilson to come back the next week.
The next week rolls around, and Wilson goes back to see what kind of commercial Gary has put together for him. Gary has Wilson sit down, and pops in a DVD.
A scene of the crucifixion of Jesus comes on. He's screaming in agony as a Roman centurion hammers away at his wrists. The Roman stops, turns to the camera, smiles and says "You always know you're doing the job right when you use Wilson nails!"
Wilson is less than thrilled. He explains to Gary that he's uncomfortable with his nails being driven into the body of Christ. Gary understands completely, and asks Wilson to come back next week to see another commercial. Wilson agrees.
Next week comes, and Wilson meets up with Gary again. Gary pops in another DVD and the scene begins. It's exactly the same as the last commercial, with the difference being that now there are small pieces of wood covering the wrists where the nails are piercing Jesus. The Roman stops his hammering, turns to the camera, smiles and says "You always know you're doing the job right when you use Wilson nails!"
Wilson is irate. He yells at Gary, accusing him of trying to run him out of business. Gary manages to calm Wilson down, and begs for another chance. Reluctantly, Wilson agrees, and they set up a meeting for next week.
Wilson shows up to the meeting expecting to be disappointed, despite Gary's assurances that this time everything will be fine. Gary pops in a DVD and the scene begins. It's a beautiful desert scene, the blue sky merging perfectly with the rolling dunes. Suddenly, a naked, bearded man comes running from off screen, being followed closely by a pack of Roman centurions. The camera pans in on the group, and one of them, sweating and panting says sadly, "I guess we should have used Wilson nails."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wug1u/wilson_nails/
%
What did the old black woman say to the guy who worked ten years for his bachelor's?

I worked 50 for my masters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wuem7/what_did_the_old_black_woman_say_to_the_guy_who/
%
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wue7c/standing_in_the_park_i_was_wondering_why_a/
%
Intelligent life?

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based  nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wuc2g/intelligent_life/
%
I adopted a child from overseas...

I adopted a child from overseas.
To prevent him from working child-labour factories.
And on his very first birthday, we took him to build a bear workshop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wubls/i_adopted_a_child_from_overseas/
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The pros and cons of being overly literal

PROS:
People who profit as a result of their occupation.
CONS:
People found guilty of a criminal offense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wua1y/the_pros_and_cons_of_being_overly_literal/
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How to use definitely

One day in class, the teacher was teaching the kids the vocabulary word of the day.
"Ok class, the word for the day is definitely. Can anyone use it in a sentence?" she asked.
Straight A's Sally in the front row raises her hand and says, "The tree is definitely green."
"Sorry Sally," says the teacher "but since the tree has a brown trunk it is not definitely green. Anyone else?"
Timmy in the middle of the class raises his hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
"Sorry Timmy, but since there are clouds in the sky it can't be definitely blue. Anyone else?"
After a while, Johnny raises his hand up and asks to speak.
"Go ahead Johnny" replies the teacher.
Johnny says that "You're definitely being a pedantic asshole".
The teacher scolds him with "Well, pedantry is subjective. To me, I'm not being pedantic."
"I definitely thought the punchline was over," replied Johnny "and this joke definitely needs to fucking end."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wua0c/how_to_use_definitely/
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A doctor grabs a pen...

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. Oh, damn it, he proclaims, Some asshole has my pen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wu735/a_doctor_grabs_a_pen/
%
What type of computer sings?

A Dell!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wu6sz/what_type_of_computer_sings/
%
I saw a kid getting beat up by 4 gang members, so I decided to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wu68u/i_saw_a_kid_getting_beat_up_by_4_gang_members_so/
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Trump supporters do NOT read this joke.

Just kidding.  As if Trump supporters could read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wu5wq/trump_supporters_do_not_read_this_joke/
%
Did you hear about that girl that was in gryffin-whore?

Well apparently she let every wizard slyther - in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wu1fs/did_you_hear_about_that_girl_that_was_in/
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NSFW: Paddy was planning to get married..............

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”
The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wtyaa/nsfw_paddy_was_planning_to_get_married/
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Guilty

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.”
Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wtxr8/guilty/
%
I saw a microbiologist today.

He was much bigger than I imagined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wtwqc/i_saw_a_microbiologist_today/
%
Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring.

Then comes the suffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wtw2w/every_marriage_has_3_rings_first_is_the/
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Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wtt8p/sometimes_it_is_very_important_if_a_sentence_was/
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Happiness is like peeing in your pants

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wtlrm/happiness_is_like_peeing_in_your_pants/
%
Not sure if I can post dirty jokes here...

Butt fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wthhq/not_sure_if_i_can_post_dirty_jokes_here/
%
Boy complains to his father

: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wtfzi/boy_complains_to_his_father/
%
Kim Jong-Un announces new conference.......

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered  "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered -  "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wtfvg/kim_jongun_announces_new_conference/
%
The ladies call me Subway.

Because I have poor quality meat and lie about being 6 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wtfqp/the_ladies_call_me_subway/
%
Husband: "Honey, aren't those trousers a bit too tight for you?"

Wife: "It's really funny how you pronounce 'I want to die'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wtflr/husband_honey_arent_those_trousers_a_bit_too/
%
I had to put my grades up for adoption

because I couldn't raise them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wte14/i_had_to_put_my_grades_up_for_adoption/
%
What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain bolt can finish a race...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wt9fw/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
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A jokes of genius about DNA

Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
A: Do these genes make my butt look fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wt94v/a_jokes_of_genius_about_dna/
%
What is actually hard for a man?

The morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wt7j3/what_is_actually_hard_for_a_man/
%
Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wt6w5/why_does_waldo_wear_striped_clothes/
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Where do sheep go to get a haircut?

To the baabaa shop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wt5ow/where_do_sheep_go_to_get_a_haircut/
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A husband and wife have sex in the dark for 2 years

One night the wife turns on the light and says to her husband, "Explain the dildo". To which he replies, "explain the 3 kids".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wt4ci/a_husband_and_wife_have_sex_in_the_dark_for_2/
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Why don't blind people bungee jump?

Because it scares the fuck out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wt2a6/why_dont_blind_people_bungee_jump/
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A rich, young man walks into a bar.

He sits down and orders a few drinks. As he is enjoying his beer, he sees a mentally retarded man outside the building.
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched the old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wt0yk/a_rich_young_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I like my women like I like my whiskey...

WITHOUT BRIAN'S FUCKING DICK IN IT, JENNY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsz4n/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
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What can you say about your phone but not your girlfriend?

I let my friend borrow it when theirs is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wswxz/what_can_you_say_about_your_phone_but_not_your/
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There's a new keyboard shortcut in GTA V which if you press it will cause your character to kill minorities.

Alt-right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsvdk/theres_a_new_keyboard_shortcut_in_gta_v_which_if/
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Buying My First Condoms

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsvaz/buying_my_first_condoms/
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Why don't Ewoks yell when they're inside?

Because they have to use their Endor voices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsugn/why_dont_ewoks_yell_when_theyre_inside/
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When life gives you a last chance...

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsuc0/when_life_gives_you_a_last_chance/
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Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wss6e/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
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So a pregnant woman walks into a diner.

A pregnant woman walks into a diner, and the server says:
"Hi there, are ya hungry?"
The fetus replies:
"Nah, I gestate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsqfw/so_a_pregnant_woman_walks_into_a_diner/
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I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wspzs/i_farted_in_my_wallet/
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What did the Buddhist say to the pizza place?

Make me one with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsnnl/what_did_the_buddhist_say_to_the_pizza_place/
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Why can't you email a picture to a Jedi?

Because attachments aren't allowed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsmvy/why_cant_you_email_a_picture_to_a_jedi/
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My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wslmz/my_roommate_told_me_my_clothes_look_gay/
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A man received the following text from his neighbor...

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in...
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsl1w/a_man_received_the_following_text_from_his/
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A hand in my pants.

As I lay in bed I felt a hand slowly reach down my boxer shorts.
It started fondling my nethers.
The feeling was nice but I wasn't in the mood.
"Not tonight" I whispered, "I'm tired".
"That's not how this shit works", said my cell mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wshsa/a_hand_in_my_pants/
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Today I learned how to make holy water....

You just have to boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsf52/today_i_learned_how_to_make_holy_water/
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Why DIDN'T the chicken cross the road?

Because he was...Chicken
Ill^see^myself^out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsevi/why_didnt_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsen6/an_engineer_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
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I wish my grass was Emo

So it would cut it self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsd52/i_wish_my_grass_was_emo/
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I always go shoplifting for chocolate bars using slight of hand.

I certainly have a few Twix up my sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsc60/i_always_go_shoplifting_for_chocolate_bars_using/
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How do you get a priest to sleep with a nun?

You dress her up like an altar boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsam0/how_do_you_get_a_priest_to_sleep_with_a_nun/
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If the blue man lives in the blue house, the green man lives in the green house, and the red man lives in the red house, then who lives in the white house?

The orange man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wsa5d/if_the_blue_man_lives_in_the_blue_house_the_green/
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Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

It was from subway and could only make it half way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ws8t7/why_didnt_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Boy: "Mr. Pence, would you be shocked if I was gay?"

Pence: "No, but you would."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ws71a/boy_mr_pence_would_you_be_shocked_if_i_was_gay/
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There's nothing like the laughter of a baby at 1 AM...

Unless you live alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ws6xs/theres_nothing_like_the_laughter_of_a_baby_at_1_am/
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Dad, did you know that in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?

It's like that everywhere son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ws65l/dad_did_you_know_that_in_other_countries_you_dont/
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Subway released their new kids menu.

They say it's Jared's favorite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ws4x3/subway_released_their_new_kids_menu/
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So what if I can't define armageddon

It's not like it's the end of the world!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ws02j/so_what_if_i_cant_define_armageddon/
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What's the difference between an onion and a baby?

I cry when I cut onions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wrvw7/whats_the_difference_between_an_onion_and_a_baby/
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I don't always tell dad jokes but when I do,

He laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wrshm/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes_but_when_i_do/
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Women belong in the kitchen.

Men belong in the Kitchen.
Everyone belongs in the kitchen.
Kitchen has food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wrp9q/women_belong_in_the_kitchen/
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What do nazis do when they first get to NYC?

Heil a taxi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wrnco/what_do_nazis_do_when_they_first_get_to_nyc/
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Boy comes home from church with two black eyes...

Momma asks what happened.
He says, "well, this fat woman was in front of me and her dress was stuck up her butt, so I reached up and pulled it out for her. She turned around and hit me."
"...okay? So where'd you get the second one?"
"I though that's how she wanted it so I put it back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wrkk0/boy_comes_home_from_church_with_two_black_eyes/
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The word DEFINITELY...

One day in class, the teacher was teaching the kids the vocabulary word of the day.
"Ok class, the word for the day is definitely. Can anyone use it in a sentence?" she asked.
Straight A's Sally in the front row raises her hand and says, "The tree is definitely green."
"Sorry Sally," says the teacher "but since the tree has a brown trunk it is not definitely green. Anyone else?"
Timmy in the middle of the class raises his hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
"Sorry Timmy, but since there are clouds in the sky it can't be definitely blue. Anyone else?"
After a few minutes little Johnny in the back row raises his hand and says, "Is a fart wet?"
The teacher says, "Excuse me? What was that Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Is a fart wet?"
"Well no." The teacher says.
To which Johnny replied, "Well then I definitely shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wripn/the_word_definitely/
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Arguing with idiots is like playing Chess with a Pigeon...

No matter how good you are the bird is going to shit on the board and strut around like it won anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wrggz/arguing_with_idiots_is_like_playing_chess_with_a/
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I just finished reading all the books in a Song of Ice and Fire

I rate it a 5/7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wrd13/i_just_finished_reading_all_the_books_in_a_song/
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Why are Dalmatians bad at hide and seek?

They're always spotted!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wrc6f/why_are_dalmatians_bad_at_hide_and_seek/
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How does Mary Jane get to school?

She takes the cani-bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wra2m/how_does_mary_jane_get_to_school/
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I started a swear jar at home...

I can't wait until it's full so I can buy some fucking cool shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wr72p/i_started_a_swear_jar_at_home/
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I called a suicide hotline in Japan.

They were really helpful. It was quick and painless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wr4nn/i_called_a_suicide_hotline_in_japan/
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What do my wife and ex-girlfriend have in common?

First and last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wr48n/what_do_my_wife_and_exgirlfriend_have_in_common/
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I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wr3mw/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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The wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level

To help her, I've raised the ironing board to a more suitable height.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wr209/the_wife_said_she_was_feeling_lightheaded_from_a/
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What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wr0jf/whats_the_hardest_part_about_breaking_up_with_a/
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Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wqtn9/why_are_pirates_called_pirates/
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I also called a suicide hotline in Iraq...

They told me to try calling back in a few days because they already had enough volunteers for the week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wqrfw/i_also_called_a_suicide_hotline_in_iraq/
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A Frog Calls a Psychic

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussion with a psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wqpuz/a_frog_calls_a_psychic/
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Becoming members of the church

An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a
young newlywed couple come looking to join a local church one Sunday morning. The pastor said he would be glad to have them upon one condition. "We require all new members to abstain from sex for two weeks to help show their commitment to the congregation."
The couples all agree and return at the end of the second week. The pastor asks them "So, were you all able to stay abstinent?"
"Not a problem, father" replies the elderly man.
"Welcome to the church!" the pastor replies as he gestures them inside.
The middle-aged woman chimes in "The first week wasn't too bad, but I had to make him go sleep on the couch the second week. We made it though."
"Congratulations my children, we are glad to have you!" says the pastor as they walk into the church.
"What about you?" he asks the newlyweds. "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No father, we were not." the young man sadly replies.
"Well, what happened?" he asked back.
"You see, we were painting the house last weekend, and when my beautiful wife bent over to pick up a can of paint I just couldn't resist myself. I gave into my temptations and we ended up having sex right there on the spot."
The pastor shakes his head and tells them "I'm sorry my son, I'm afraid I can't welcome you and your wife into our church then."
"We understand" says the young man "We aren't allowed back into the Hardware store either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wqknd/becoming_members_of_the_church/
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3 gay guys and their dead boyfriends

Three gay guys all had their boyfriends die around the same time and all three decided to have them cremated. So they're all discussing what they're going to do with their boyfriends ashes and the 1st guy says,
"Well, my boyfriend used to love to fly. So I'm going to take his ashes in a plane and dump them in the sky so he can fly forever."
The 2nd guy says, "My boyfriend used to love to swim so I'm going to take his ashes on a boat and dump them into the ocean so he can swim forever."
The 3rd guy chimes in and says, "Yea? Well I'm going to take my boyfriend's ashes and dump them in a bowl of chili so he can tear my asshole up one last time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wqk0n/3_gay_guys_and_their_dead_boyfriends/
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Why was the 2 month old African baby crying?

It was having its mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wqhu0/why_was_the_2_month_old_african_baby_crying/
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My Mexican friend is pissed about Trump's Wall

I think he'll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wqd1j/my_mexican_friend_is_pissed_about_trumps_wall/
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How do you find Will Smith buried in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wqc0v/how_do_you_find_will_smith_buried_in_the_snow/
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Why did half a chicken cross the road?

To get to Subway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wqauc/why_did_half_a_chicken_cross_the_road/
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After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wqapk/after_a_talking_sheepdog_gets_all_the_sheep_in/
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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

Zero. It was engineered properly the first time and does not require changing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wqaek/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What does Hillary Clinton and La La Land have in common?

They both thought they were going to win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wqabn/what_does_hillary_clinton_and_la_la_land_have_in/
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Three golfers on a golf course...

The first golfer tees up his ball, hits it down the fairway, right for the pond in front of the green. The ball rolls over the top of the water and onto the green, next to the hole for an easy tap in.
The second golfer tees up his ball, hits it down the fairway, right for the same pond in front of the green. The water parts and the ball rolls across the open space, onto the green, next to the hole for an easy tap in.
The third golfer tees up his ball, hits it down the fairway, towards the pond, and the ball skips on the water onto a lily pad. A frog comes out of the water and puts the ball in his mouth. Then an eagle swoops down, puts the frog in its mouth, and flies all around the course and drops the frog on the green. The frog opens it's mouth and the ball rolls out and into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wq8z7/three_golfers_on_a_golf_course/
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A little rabbit is running happily through the forest

... when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit, ripping him into pieces.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wq7ex/a_little_rabbit_is_running_happily_through_the/
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My nephew complained about hair in his food.

I told him that in my day that is how all fish tacos were served.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wq68i/my_nephew_complained_about_hair_in_his_food/
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Liberals are more generous than conservatives

Not only are they generous with their own money, they are also generous with other people's money!
(This is just a joke sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wq5w1/liberals_are_more_generous_than_conservatives/
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Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.

Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wq5h3/spent_over_an_hour_at_the_wifes_grave_this_morning/
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Saw a Lady Pumping Gas...

Yesterday, I was pumping gas and the lady next over was pumping gas while smoking a cigarette which is illegal and just a little further over was a cop watching her but did nothing.
Soon I heard the lady screaming for help and saw her entire arm in flames. She was hysterical, running around. I went to help her but the cop got there first knocking her to the ground and smothering the flames. Then he put hancuffs on her and placed her under arrest. I told the officer that he should go easy on her and that burning herself should be enough punishment and that he should have arrested her before the accident.
He told me that that's not why he's arresting her. He was arresting her for waving a fire arm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wq42u/saw_a_lady_pumping_gas/
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My wife thinks I might be gay. I'm so relieved...

That means she definitely hasn't been checking my browsing history

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wq3f0/my_wife_thinks_i_might_be_gay_im_so_relieved/
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A pervert, a con artist, and a fascist walks into a bar...

The bartender asks: "What'll it be, Mr. President?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wq231/a_pervert_a_con_artist_and_a_fascist_walks_into_a/
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"sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head."

- John. F. Kennedy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpy16/sometimes_you_just_need_a_car_ride_to_clear_your/
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'Hey, can I use your phone to call my girlfriend real quick?'

'Sure, just hit redial'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpvrs/hey_can_i_use_your_phone_to_call_my_girlfriend/
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I entered a pun contest

. They asked me to submit ten of my best puns.
I came up with the best I could think of, hoping at least one of them would win.
No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpvgz/i_entered_a_pun_contest/
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My Asian friend was driving his girlfriend home

My Asian friend was driving his gf home the other day when she decided to give him a blowjob. Right as she was about to pull down his pants she asked: is it true what they say about Asians? He looked at her with a single tear in his eye and said: yes. And they both died in a horrible car crash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wptgp/my_asian_friend_was_driving_his_girlfriend_home/
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Three drunks and a taxi driver

3 drunk guys entered a taxi . The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd guy knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpsxi/three_drunks_and_a_taxi_driver/
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What's a horny pirates worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wps7y/whats_a_horny_pirates_worst_nightmare/
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A Magician hypnotizes seven men...

A magician calls out that he needs seven volunteers from the audience.
As expected, multiple members of the audience raise their hands.
He picks out seven men from the crowd, and as expected they come up on stage, and the Magician proceeds to hypnotize all seven of the men.
He motions to speak into the microphone once more, but the chord gets snagged on one of the guy's shoes and ultimately drops onto the magician's foot.
In pain, he cries out "Fuck me!".
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wps3n/a_magician_hypnotizes_seven_men/
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How would you describe Oberyn Martell's personality?

He's mind blowing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wprml/how_would_you_describe_oberyn_martells_personality/
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How is the tourism industry doing in Baghdad?

Boomin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpqea/how_is_the_tourism_industry_doing_in_baghdad/
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A man leaned sadly against a wall.

His friend came up to him.
Friend: "Hey, whatcha doing?"
Man: "Practicing being rejected."
Friend: "By yourself?"
Man: "I asked a girl if she could help me, and she said no!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpq6i/a_man_leaned_sadly_against_a_wall/
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I might seem perfect...

I know that I might seem perfect, but one of my legs is actually a tiny bit shorter than the other two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wppj8/i_might_seem_perfect/
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Serj Tankian should enter politics.

The secret service would be renamed "The Serj Protectors"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wplng/serj_tankian_should_enter_politics/
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I like my women like I like my phones

Thin, smart, imported from Japan, and in my pocket all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpllq/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_phones/
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Why does Donald Trump watch the olympics?

Because he wants to know how high mexicans can jump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wplfr/why_does_donald_trump_watch_the_olympics/
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What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed clown on a tricycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpjuf/what_is_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

.................He waits at the next stop!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpjq7/what_does_usain_bolt_do_when_he_misses_the_bus/
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What kind of piano songs does the Nike CEO play?

Just duets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpik0/what_kind_of_piano_songs_does_the_nike_ceo_play/
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Is it just ME

or is there another acronym for Middle East?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpict/is_it_just_me/
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Why does a nun not wear a bra?

God supports everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wphkv/why_does_a_nun_not_wear_a_bra/
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What's the dumbest animal in the outback?

The penguin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpgl2/whats_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_outback/
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I went to the public library yesterday looking for that one book about Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's cat.

The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpfnl/i_went_to_the_public_library_yesterday_looking/
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Why do spies never use capitalization?

They like to stay low-key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpfii/why_do_spies_never_use_capitalization/
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A mother enters a bus with her infant son.

The bus driver glances at them both and says:
-I'll be damned! That must be the ugliest kid I've seen in my entire life!
The mother is of course very insulted, and she slams the money down in front of the bus driver and walks over to the very end of the bus and has a seat.
The man sitting on the seat next to her can tell that something is bothering her  and asks her what's wrong.
-The bus driver just insulted me, she snorts.
-That's  ridiculous, the man replies. People working in service occupations really shouldn't run around insulting people like that.
Encouraged by the man the woman says:
-You're right. I think I will go to the front and tell him off.
-That sounds like a great idea, replies the man. I'll guard that monkey for you in the meantime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpcha/a_mother_enters_a_bus_with_her_infant_son/
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What do you call a judge with no fingers?

Justice Thumbs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpc4o/what_do_you_call_a_judge_with_no_fingers/
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Mother superior is doing the orientation

of the new nun. The neighbourhood is rough and so she thought she would put some hypotheticals. "What would you do if you were walking alone at night and got cornered by a man on who demanded to have sex with you?"
"Well, I would ask him to drop his pants." replied the new nun coolly
Flabbergasted the Mother pressed "And what then?"
"Well, then I would hike up my habit above my knees." replied the nun, still calm.
Aghast at this the Mother could not but ask "And what then?"
"Well, I would start running. I can run a lot faster with my habit hiked up than the man whose trousers are at his ankles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wpawz/mother_superior_is_doing_the_orientation/
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My self-confidence is at all time high now, I was asked to go outside by 15 girls.

I was at a girls restroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wp5x8/my_selfconfidence_is_at_all_time_high_now_i_was/
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Are you a drill sargeant?

Because you have my privates standing at attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wp4ji/are_you_a_drill_sargeant/
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Sexual technique

Three guys are talking about sexual technique.
The french guy says "after I have made love to my wife, she says she feels as if she is floating".
The new age guy says "after I have made love to my partner, she floats six inches above the bed".
The australian guy says "I don't know about you guys, but after I have made love to my missus and I wipe my cock on the curtains, she hits the roof".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wp360/sexual_technique/
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Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wp31i/sunday_morning_sex/
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I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wp2l4/i_called_a_suicide_hotline_in_iraq/
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What is the longest word in the Spanish language?

Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wp2hb/what_is_the_longest_word_in_the_spanish_language/
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I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wp10k/i_threw_an_asian_man_down_a_flight_of_stairs/
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I was playing Call of Duty last night, and this kid told me that he had fucked my mom last night

So I called up the police and reported him;
Necrophillia is a crime.
I posted this on /r/antijokes a while back but I thought this would be a better place for it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wowfc/i_was_playing_call_of_duty_last_night_and_this/
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What do you call an Alligator in a Vest?

An Investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wov90/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
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A man walks into a bar looking sad

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong, why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight, and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5woule/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_sad/
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of coma...

...for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you're bad luck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5woqtt/a_womans_husband_had_been_slipping_in_and_out_of/
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Progress is amazing. "Whites Only" is in the past

This new color safe bleach is fantastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5womey/progress_is_amazing_whites_only_is_in_the_past/
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A man goes into a job interview

, and presents himself well. The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wodg0/a_man_goes_into_a_job_interview/
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A pastor was writing a sermon about sex

but he was a very shy man, especially when it came to taboo topics. While the sermon was intended to tell his congregation about how sex is important to a healthy marriage, he just couldn't bring himself to actually write the word "sex". Instead, he just decided to use the letter "S" in his written notes.
The pastor's wife came in and saw him working. When she asked him what the "S" in his sermon notes stood for, the pastor nervously blurted out "SAILING, It's about sailing!"
The next Sunday, the wife unfortunately had to visit her sick mother, so she missed the pastor's sermon. The pastor started his sermon, and was pretty nervous, but as he preached, he got more and more comfortable about the topic of sex. His congregation loved the sermon and thought that he did a wonderful job teaching of the important of sex in a marriage.
The next day, the wife ran into some of people of the congregation. They told her what a wonderful sermon her husband had performed the day before. The wife, baffled, said "Wow, that's a bit unexpected. He's only ever done it twice, and both times he went overboard!"
-Sorry if this is a repost, just heard it last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wocgg/a_pastor_was_writing_a_sermon_about_sex/
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What do you call the smartest person in the US?

A tourist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wobog/what_do_you_call_the_smartest_person_in_the_us/
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What did earth say to the other planets?

You have no life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5woajt/what_did_earth_say_to_the_other_planets/
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A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5woa56/a_buddhist_monk_goes_to_a_barber_to_have_his_head/
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A Mexican magician tells his audience...

"I will disappear on the count of three."
He counts down.. "Uno... dos..."
And then he disappears, without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wo7ml/a_mexican_magician_tells_his_audience/
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What Do Donald Trump and Lex Luthor Have in Common?

They hate illegal aliens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wo6uz/what_do_donald_trump_and_lex_luthor_have_in_common/
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What's the best way to titillate an ocelot?

Oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wo3e6/whats_the_best_way_to_titillate_an_ocelot/
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What does a church in Helsinki have in common with Mortal Kombat?

Finnish Hymn!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wo289/what_does_a_church_in_helsinki_have_in_common/
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A Father's Last Request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wo1y6/a_fathers_last_request/
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Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wo116/have_you_ever_had_ethiopian_food/
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What's Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wo0hc/whats_donald_trumps_favorite_nation/
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If there's one thing that really pisses me off, it's people who take drugs…

…like customs officers and policemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnz4v/if_theres_one_thing_that_really_pisses_me_off_its/
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Why shouldn't you write with a blunt pencil?

Because it's pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnvyv/why_shouldnt_you_write_with_a_blunt_pencil/
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A bear walks into a bar...

and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars.”
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars.”
The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.” The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars.”
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states: “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars who are on drugs.” The bear says, “I’m not on drugs.” The bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnvki/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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I was checking out at Tesco...

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnrpp/i_was_checking_out_at_tesco/
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Why are men always telling their women terrible puns?

So we can stare at their tits while they're rolling their eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnrb4/why_are_men_always_telling_their_women_terrible/
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It's pancake day?!

Well that creped up on us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnr9c/its_pancake_day/
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What does Thor do to sneak around and avoid being noticed?

He stays Loki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnqkv/what_does_thor_do_to_sneak_around_and_avoid_being/
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In the beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light!"

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnqkn/in_the_beginning_there_was_nothing_god_said_let/
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The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnlv9/the_other_day_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her/
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What do you call a Sherlock who is black?

Sherlock Homie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnleq/what_do_you_call_a_sherlock_who_is_black/
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A buddy of mine started dating this girl that plays soccer. I like her a lot.

She's a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnfv6/a_buddy_of_mine_started_dating_this_girl_that/
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[Offensive] An old man and a little girl walk into the woods

An old man and a little girl are walking in the woods on a dark night. The little girl turns to the old man and says "im scared". The old man looks at the little girl and replies "... youre scared? I have to walk back alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnfrs/offensive_an_old_man_and_a_little_girl_walk_into/
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My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnd4w/my_grandpa_said_your_generation_relies_too_much/
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3 men on a plane

There were three men on an airplane and the pilot said " We are too heavy, we are falling, drop your items!"
The first man went to the edge and dropped a brick.
The second man dropped a sword.
The third man dropped a bomb.
The plane steadied and they arrived safely.
The first man went home and saw his son in tears at the door. He asked "What's the matter son?"
"A brick came down and killed the dog."
The second man went home and his son was crying at the door. He asked "What's the matter son?"
"A sword came down and killed the cat."
The third man went home and his son was laughing on the ground. He asked "What's so funny son?"
"Grandma farted and the house blew up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnb7f/3_men_on_a_plane/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wnanc/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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A teacher asks their 3rd grade class, "What vegetable makes you cry?"

Tommy raises his hand and replies "An eggplant."
The class giggles and teacher gives him a confused look and says "No Tommy, eggplants don't make you cry.."
Embarrassed, Tommy yells back at the teacher, "Well apparently you've never been hit in the nuts with an eggplant!"
** I know that this isn't really setting the standards for comedy, but this was the joke my dad told me once when I was young and distraught over having struck out to end our baseball game with the tying run on third. It made me laugh through my tears. He's a good man and I wanted to share it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wn9pk/a_teacher_asks_their_3rd_grade_class_what/
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A couple go to a restaurant...

And when their food arrives, the husband says
"Wow, this looks great! Let's dig in!"
Without another word, he starts devouring his plate. Meanwhile his wife glares disapprovingly at him.
"At Home, you *always* say grace"
Swallowing, the husband replies.
"Honey, that's at home. Here, the chef actually knows how to cook"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wn9j5/a_couple_go_to_a_restaurant/
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How do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wn8rt/how_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
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What's 12 inches, pink, and throbs?

Piglet stuck in an electric fence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wn4mk/whats_12_inches_pink_and_throbs/
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How did the mathematician solve his constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wn2ka/how_did_the_mathematician_solve_his_constipation/
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A wife gets naked...

…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wn29s/a_wife_gets_naked/
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Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.

I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.
The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wn270/sadly_i_think_my_family_are_a_bunch_of_racists/
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I cannot tell a lie.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the "hair remover".
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wn20n/i_cannot_tell_a_lie/
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That's a nice ham you got there

It would be a shame if someone put an "s" in front of it and an "e" behind it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wn1sp/thats_a_nice_ham_you_got_there/
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Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says “B positive”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wmwv4/whenever_im_sad_i_just_read_my_blood_donor_id/
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Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wmubc/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wmkr3/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
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I broke up with my girlfriend who works as an anaesthetist in our local hospital.

When I was with her I didn't feel anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wmjn5/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_who_works_as_an/
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My grandma once told me an inspiring quote about the ocean

I can't remember exactly how it went. I just remember it being very deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wmgve/my_grandma_once_told_me_an_inspiring_quote_about/
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What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wmg9p/what_smells_better_than_it_tastes/
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An Israeli doctor...

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 months, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 months he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 months he is looking for work."
The American  doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. One month ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wme7r/an_israeli_doctor/
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A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane.....

And he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!
The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!
Sure enough, the pope leans over and asks the man "do you know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?"
Oh no. The man is speechless. He sits there, terrified but trying his best to put on a pensive face, for about 30 seconds. The pope won't speak to me this whole flight if I say what first came to mind...
Then it hits him! "Oh!" he says. "AUNT. The word you're looking for is 'aunt', Your Holiness."
The pope calmly nods. "Ah, of course," he says. "Do you have an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wm4wv/a_devout_catholic_man_has_just_boarded_a_plane/
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Little Johnny was curious about something

One day, Little Johnny was taking a shower with his mother. He looks up at her breasts, curious as to what they are. The next day, he decides to ask his father.
"Daddy, what are those big bouncy things on Mommy's chest?" Little Johnny asks.
The dad, deciding to mess with his son, says "Those are balloons. When your mother dies, we will blow them up so she can float to heaven."
A couple days later, Little Johnny's family is at a reunion. His father is talking with the guys in the living room when Little Johnny bursts in crying.
"Daddy, daddy, come quick! Mommy is dying!" he sobs.
"Hold on son, what makes you say that?" the father asks, slightly panicked.
"Uncle Frank is blowing up her balloons and she's yelling, 'Oh God, I'm coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wm3w2/little_johnny_was_curious_about_something/
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The forgetful thespian

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!”
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?”
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wm3jc/the_forgetful_thespian/
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Don't read discussions in /r/ask science about black holes.

It will pull you in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wm39r/dont_read_discussions_in_rask_science_about_black/
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Blonde Co-Pilot

This is a true story of a poor ditzy blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic,calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
She says, "I'm 5'4 and i'm in the front seat."
(pause)
"O.K." says the voice in the radio.......
"Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven........"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wm2gm/blonde_copilot/
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Man goes to hell

So this man dies and ends up going to hell. As he's sitting there wondering where he went wrong in his life and how he ended up in hell  a demon walks by and notices the man looking very sad.
Demon takes a seat next to the sad man and nudges him in the side and asked him, "hey man what's wrong why do you look so sad". Man looks up at the demon and replies, "I died and went to hell I thought I did good in my life thought I would go to heaven". Demon slaps guy on the back and chuckles and replies, " honestly man hell really isn't as bad as people make it out to be we like to have fun down here and make things exciting". The mans looks at demon in disbelief not sure how anyone could possible have fun in hell replies back, " oh really? How could anyone possible enjoy hell?" Demon chuckling again replies back, " do you like to do drugs?" Man wondering what liking drugs has to do with anything replies back " hell yes I love doing drugs". Demon smirks pleased with the mans answer replies back " well every Monday we have drug night all you have to do is request your favorite drug and it'll be giving to you and on top of that you can take as much as you want and not worry about overdosing cause your already dead so you can get as high as you like". Man looking at the demon in disbelief laughs and replies back "well that don't sound so bad, what else do you guys do down Here for fun ". Demon looking at the man replies back " do you like to drink?" Man replies back in a loud voice "OMG yes!!!! I love to drink" demon again pleased with mans answer replies back " well dude every Tuesday we have alcohol  night you can bring your favorite booze and drink your self stupid"
man feeling very cheerful about everything the demon is saying excitedly  replies back "well hot damn hell really isn't as bad as I thought it would be what about Wednesday what is there to do on Wednesday?!?!?! ?"
The demon gives the man a side ways look and bluntly ask " are you gay?" Man wondering what being gay has to do with anything replies back " um fuck no!!!"
The demon feeling sorry for the man simply replies back " damn dude not sure what to tell you but you are really gonna hate Wednesday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wm0ni/man_goes_to_hell/
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My girlfriend screamed at me today. "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you?"

I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wluww/my_girlfriend_screamed_at_me_today_you_werent/
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what did the libertarian say after I changed his flat tire?

I did it all by myself, without any help from anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wlpsm/what_did_the_libertarian_say_after_i_changed_his/
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wlfb2/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
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What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wlf3n/what_do_you_call_a_patronizing_criminal_walking/
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Dropped my phone in a load of mayo

What the Hellmann

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wle44/dropped_my_phone_in_a_load_of_mayo/
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What weapon does a ninja use when he just really don't care..

Nun-Fukks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wlbpx/what_weapon_does_a_ninja_use_when_he_just_really/
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A wife came back from work early...

...and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a stunning young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the lasagna I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured it all in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for your birthday that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so thankful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wlauj/a_wife_came_back_from_work_early/
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What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wlaqq/what_rock_group_has_four_men_that_dont_sing/
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I forgot how to throw a boomerang.

But then it came back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wla2k/i_forgot_how_to_throw_a_boomerang/
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Little Johnny discovers a lamp when cleaning Dave's house

It was quite dusty so little johnny decided to give it a rub.
Poof! Emerged the genie.
Genie: My child. You have ended my sorrow. I give you one wish.
Johnny: I want a space elevator.
Genie: I would love to grant that but infact its too much work even for me.
Johnny: Ok. Filter out all the reposts in r/jokes.
Genie:  How high do you want the space elevator?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wl9wn/little_johnny_discovers_a_lamp_when_cleaning/
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If you're ever having trouble with Chemistry, just remember...

Bleach is a solution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wl8m7/if_youre_ever_having_trouble_with_chemistry_just/
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Never judge someone for the noises they make in the bathroom

They could be going through some shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wl3yv/never_judge_someone_for_the_noises_they_make_in/
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When I see stars I think of you...

Because you're only beautiful from a distance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wl1ni/when_i_see_stars_i_think_of_you/
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A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.
The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.
The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas.
The electrical engineer said, I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system.
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, What do you think?
The computer engineer said, I think we should all get out and then get back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wkzla/a_mechanical_engineer_electrical_engineer/
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A policeman pulls over a man driving recklessly

The policeman asks "How high are you?"
The man says "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wkwcb/a_policeman_pulls_over_a_man_driving_recklessly/
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Pirate: The Cannons be ready, captain!

Captain: Are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wkufq/pirate_the_cannons_be_ready_captain/
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I had no idea nazis were so passionate about animals.

Apparently after the war they all became veteranaryans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wkua0/i_had_no_idea_nazis_were_so_passionate_about/
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What's all the fuss about Donald Trump's Russian Ties?

I know for a fact that all his Ties are made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wktlw/whats_all_the_fuss_about_donald_trumps_russian/
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My wife wanted to show me some new tights.

*Wife:* These are really nice tights! Super high quality. They'll never run!
*Me:* Well not without legs in them first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wksb0/my_wife_wanted_to_show_me_some_new_tights/
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How do you confuse a feminist

Tell her you won't let her make a sandwich for you because she is female

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wks6f/how_do_you_confuse_a_feminist/
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A man asks out a woman...

Him: "If you don't say yes I'm going to jump off that 500 foot cliff over there."
Her: "I call that a bluff."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wkrgq/a_man_asks_out_a_woman/
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What does a grape say when you step on it?

Nothing, it just gives out a little whine...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wkr4u/what_does_a_grape_say_when_you_step_on_it/
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.
What's red and brown?
It's that bloody stick again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wkqwr/whats_brown_and_sticky/
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How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realise it’s half empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wkmwd/how_is_a_pushup_bra_like_a_bag_of_chips/
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Some day Canadians will take over the world

then you'll all be sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wkjg8/some_day_canadians_will_take_over_the_world/
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The Orange Penis

A man is at the doctor's office. He says, “Doc, you gotta help me, my penis is bright orange and I’m afraid of the worst.”
The doctor examines the penis and it is, indeed, bright orange but the doctor can’t make a diagnosis. He spends the next several hours running every relevant test that he can think of.
At the end of this testing ordeal, the doctor is still stymied. He confronts the young man and says, “Son, I’ve run every test I can think of and all of them indicate that you are healthy as a horse. There must be something we are missing.”
The doctor sits down and says, “Perhaps , it’s not genetic and has to do with your lifestyle. Tell me, do you engage in any dangerous activities.”
“That’s just it, Doc,” says the young man, “I don’t really do anything exciting. Mostly, I just sit at home, surf the Internet and eat Cheetohs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wkc2s/the_orange_penis/
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A homeless man walks into a restaurant...

He sits down at a table and asks to speak to the manager. The manager walks over to the man and says
"Can I help you?"
"I'm going to be honest with you. I have no money to pay for a meal. But I want to make a little wager with you. I want you to take any spoon that you want and then I want you to lick it. I will then take the same spoon and lick it as well. And if I can guess what you've had to eat today by tasting your licked spoon, then my meal is free"
The manager, rather intrigued, agrees to this ridiculous deal because he is believes that there's no way the man can pull this off. He goes to the kitchen, takes a spoon and licks it.
"Alright then. Here you go." Says the manager.
The man takes the spoon and licks it once.
"Hmmm. Chicken Parmesan, unsweetened ice tea and, for desert, chocolate cake."
"Holy hell that's exactly right! Well a deal is a deal. Order whatever you want for free."
The man eats his meal then leaves.
The next day the same man walks in to the same restaurant, sits and asks to speak to the manager again. The manager walks over to the man.
"Manager! How 'bout it? Want to make another wager?"
"You got lucky the first time. Alright. Let's do this again." Says the manager.
The manager goes back to the kitchen, finds a spoon, licks it and takes it back to the man.
"Ahhh let's see. Filet Mignon with a hint of parsley, Strawberry lemonade, and pistachio ice cream"
"... Motherfu--- Damn! Well a deal is a deal. Order anything on the menu. On the house, again, I guess".
Once again, the man eats his meal and leaves.
Next day the same thing transpires. Man walks into the restaurant, sits and asks for the manager and the manager walks over to the man.
"3rd time's the charm. What do you say?"
"Ok. I don't know what you did the first two times but this time will be different. You're on!"
The manager goes to the kitchen, gets a spoon and licks it. However, before he gives the man the spoon he takes it to one of his cooks, Maria.
"Psst, Maria. I need you to do something for me. I want you to take this spoon and shove up your, ahem, you're hoo-hah. Come on! I'll pay you double for today."
So Maria takes the spoon and swirls it around her hoo-hah and gives it to the manager. He walks over to the man and gives him the spoon. The man takes the spoon and licks it once.
"Hmmm.  Barbecue baby back ribs, a beer, Blue Moon, New York style cheescake and.... What the hell?
The homeless man, rather perplexed, licks the spoon a couple more times.
"Holy shit! Does Maria work here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wkb78/a_homeless_man_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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What do you have, sir?

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wk8n8/what_do_you_have_sir/
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I like my women how I like my coffee

I don't like coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wk2f2/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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3 Men Find a Genie

Three guys are hiking in the woods, when they find a lamp. One of them rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie booms "you have freed me after all these years. So I'll grant you each 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a million dollars" and *POOF* a bank slip appears in his hand showing that his account balance is, in fact, one million dollars. The second guy thinks for a bit and says "I wish, I was the richest man in the world" and *POOF* peice of paper appears showing that his net worth is well over 100 billion dollars. The third guy thinks for a while and says "I wish, that my right arm would spin counter clock-wise For the rest of my life." Suddenly the guys arm starts spinning. "it is now time for your second wish" says the genie, the first guy thinks and say "I wish, I was married to the most beautiful woman on earth" and *POOF* a stunning beauty wraps herself around him. The second guy say "I want to be as handsome and as charismatic as possible so I can get any girl I want" and *POOF* his looks change and the first guys wife starts flirting with him. The third guy says "Alright, I want my left arm to spin clock-wise until i die" and just like that both his arms are spin in the opposite directions. Now, the genie tells them "it is time to think very carefully about there third and final wish" the fist guys says "I never want to become injured or sick I want to stay health until I die" and *POOF* his complexion improves, his acne is gone, and his knees no longer bother him. the second guy says " I never want to grow old I want to be 25 forever" *POOF* he starts looking younger already. the third guy smiles triumphantly and says "my last wish is for my head to nod back and forth," now he is nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. the genie wishes the men good luck and disappears, and the men then go their separate ways
several years later the men meet up at a cafe to chat about how things have gone. the first guy is ecstatic he says "I have invested my money and multiplied it many times over, me and family are among the richest people ever, and my wife is a freak in the sheets plus I have never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." the second guy smiles "I have built hundreds of charities with a fraction of my wealth, I'm revered for my good deeds, i also haven't aged a day since we last met" he looks at the first guy and continues "and i'd have to agree your wife is a freak in the sheet." then the third guy walks in he's still flailing his arms and nodding his head, he walks over to the table and say "Guys, I think I Fucked up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wk0kc/3_men_find_a_genie/
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I've just written a song about replacing my front door lock

It's got a great key change at the end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wk0bg/ive_just_written_a_song_about_replacing_my_front/
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3 Men and a Chicken

So, there were 3 men on an island and they found a chicken.
So they thought how would they share the chicken between the 3 us.
The first man said "I support for Heartlepool so I should have the heart"
The second man said "I support for Liverpool so I should have the liver"
And the last man said "I support for Arsenal but I've just lost my appetite"
BTW: Heartlepool, Liverpool and Arsenal are English Football Teams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjxvn/3_men_and_a_chicken/
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teacher gave her class an assignment.....

She asked all the kids to come back to school the next day with a story, and what the story teaches you.
The next day she asked who wants to share their story. Little Johnny goes first and says "I live on a farm, and we had 12 chicken eggs, but only 10 of them hatched. That teaches you to not count your chicks before they hatch"
Little Susie went next and said "I live on a farm as well, and we were taking eggs to the market one day, but the basket fell out of the back of the truck and all the eggs broke. That teaches you to not put all your eggs in one basket."
Nobody else would volunteer, so the teacher called on little Billy and said "Billy why don't you share your story." Billy got a dark look on his face and said, "Well my mom did tell me a story about my uncle Bob once. He was a gunner on a helicopter during Vietnam. One day his chopper got shot down and Bob fell to the earth. While he was falling he had three things on him. A bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a knife. As he was falling he decided to drink the bottle of whiskey so that it wouldn't break when he hit the ground. When he hit the ground, he was surrounded by 100 Viet Cong. He used his machine gun and killed 50 of them before he ran out of ammo. Then he used the knife to kill another 40 of them before the blade broke. Then he killed the last 10 with hand to hand combat." Johnny finished his story and the teacher said "That's amazing! But what does it teach you?" Johnny told her "It teaches you not to fuck with Uncle Bob after he's had a few drinks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjwqe/teacher_gave_her_class_an_assignment/
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A man and his Harley.

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word!
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline.
And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjv9v/a_man_and_his_harley/
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How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Stick a nipple on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjsta/how_do_you_make_5_pounds_of_fat_look_good/
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What's the difference between a baby and another baby?

I don't know, but let's hope their mothers don't either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjskn/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_another/
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Oh snap..I missed the Oscars again.

That makes 35 years in a row now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjsed/oh_snapi_missed_the_oscars_again/
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My dick was in the Guinness world records book

Until the librarian threw me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjrny/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_world_records_book/
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjqld/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_rubber_toe/
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In heaven, the Engineers are German, the Cooks are Italian, and the Police are British.

In hell, the Cooks are British, the Engineers are Italian, and the Police are German.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjp0n/in_heaven_the_engineers_are_german_the_cooks_are/
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Baby Delivery

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"
"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjoz7/baby_delivery/
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I'm going to create a dating Website for people with incurable STD's to find each other.

It will be named 2 Herpes in a Pod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjnwb/im_going_to_create_a_dating_website_for_people/
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A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!"

A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjk8z/a_teacher_told_her_first_grade_class_a_single/
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Two Irish men are on a train.

Suddenly, an American man boards the train and asks a lady who was sitting in the only other car if she would kindly move her dog from the seat next to her, so that he may sit.
The lady was very put out, and refused. So the man picked up the dog, and threw it out the window.
One Irish man turned to the other and said: "You know, I don't get Americans. They drive on the wrong side of the road, they use their fork in their right hands, and that man just threw the wrong bitch out of the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjhox/two_irish_men_are_on_a_train/
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Three old ladies sitting on a bench in the park.

Three old ladies are sitting on a bench in the park just chatting the day away.  Suddenly, a man in a trench coat walks up to them.  He opens his coat and flashes them with all he has to offer.
The first old lady has a stroke right away.
The second old lady has a stroke soon after.
The third old lady, being more old and feeble, couldn't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjhfk/three_old_ladies_sitting_on_a_bench_in_the_park/
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....on a death bed , a husband speaks

" Tell my Wif* [cough]
Tell her What? Tell me.
"Tell my Wifi service provider that their service was shit "
[Dies..]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjdg1/on_a_death_bed_a_husband_speaks/
%
Molecule 1: I just lost an electron.

Molecule 2: Are you sure?
Molecule 1: I’m positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjd28/molecule_1_i_just_lost_an_electron/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just kidding, they can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjcmv/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?

because they like the taste of defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjbo8/why_dont_foot_fetishists_ever_win_anything/
%
If you're not a-poopin'...

...European.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wjalm/if_youre_not_apoopin/
%
I fell asleep in my chem class on atomic structure.

It was too bohring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wj9np/i_fell_asleep_in_my_chem_class_on_atomic_structure/
%
Arguing with my wife is like reading an End User License Agreement

I don't understand much of what she's saying and end up clicking on 'I Agree' anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wj978/arguing_with_my_wife_is_like_reading_an_end_user/
%
Did you know that pigeons die when they have sex?

At least the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wj7fa/did_you_know_that_pigeons_die_when_they_have_sex/
%
Why did the 2nd wave feminists keep burning their bras?

They can't cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wj2yq/why_did_the_2nd_wave_feminists_keep_burning_their/
%
Will there be fried foods in heaven?

Of course! God has a pan for each of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wj2nj/will_there_be_fried_foods_in_heaven/
%
At a restaurant, I was getting impatient waiting on my food...

I caught the waiter's attention as he rushed by. “How long will my spaghetti be?”
The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wj238/at_a_restaurant_i_was_getting_impatient_waiting/
%
A chemist, a physicist and an economist are all trapped on a desert island...

...trying to figure out how to open a can of food.
"Let's heat the cab over a fire until it explodes!", exclaims the chemist.
"No no," says the physicist, "let's drop the can onto the rocks from the top of a high tree!"
"I have an idea," says the economist. "First we assume a can opener . . ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wj0m2/a_chemist_a_physicist_and_an_economist_are_all/
%
What are the similarities between a Rubiks Cube and Anal?

You don't want it, but your dad still gives it to you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wixtk/what_are_the_similarities_between_a_rubiks_cube/
%
I told the girl I fancy next door I helped kill a man

I was told women love accessories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wix9i/i_told_the_girl_i_fancy_next_door_i_helped_kill_a/
%
sex like math

Q: Why is sex like math?
A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wiv88/sex_like_math/
%
There was a kidnapping at my school.

It's ok he woke up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wiuxm/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_my_school/
%
What’s the difference between a baby and a feminist?

Eventually a baby will grow up and stop crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5witix/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_feminist/
%
What’s the male equivalent of a feminist?

A sexist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wirb2/whats_the_male_equivalent_of_a_feminist/
%
The committee came up with a new method to weed out the racists

The committee decided to kick all of the racist people out of its board. So they gathered all the members to a meeting and they presented them a slew of racist jokes. Any member who was caught smiling or laughing was deemed racist and were expelled from the group.
As the jokes got more and more racist, more people can't hold back their laughter. The hall began to empty, until there was only one man left.
"Sir, I'm glad to say you were the only one who didn't laugh at the racist jokes," the chairman said.
"Jokes?", the man said. "I thought they were facts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wipf4/the_committee_came_up_with_a_new_method_to_weed/
%
Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale La La Land?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wioma/have_you_ever_danced_with_the_devil_in_the_pale/
%
Why didn't the necrophile like tall girls

He likes them 6 feet under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5winiu/why_didnt_the_necrophile_like_tall_girls/
%
If you set a forest on fire

It wood burn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wimj7/if_you_set_a_forest_on_fire/
%
They should offer a class on speaking the truth in high school

It'd be a great way to earn a foreign language credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wilyl/they_should_offer_a_class_on_speaking_the_truth/
%
I have a few jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wileq/i_have_a_few_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
A man walks into a bar with his buddies and sees three steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the bartender "Why are there three steaks hanging from the ceiling?"
The bartender replies "It's a contest sort of thing, actually. If you can jump and slap one of the steaks, you and your buddies get free drinks for the night. If not, you have to pay for everyone in the bar's drinks for the next hour. Wanna give it a try?"
The man thinks for a few minutes and makes his decision.
"Bartender, as much as my buddies and I would like free drinks, the stakes are just too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wiku0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_buddies_and_sees/
%
A man gets pulled over for speeding

and evading the police. The officer asks him why he didn't stop. "Well," says the man, "my wife ran off with a cop last week and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wij3c/a_man_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
Einstein famously said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

But doing the same thing over and over again and actually getting a different result - that's called Computer Programming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wigtw/einstein_famously_said_that_insanity_is_doing_the/
%
Q: How is a woman like an airplane?

A: Both have cockpits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wigs1/q_how_is_a_woman_like_an_airplane/
%
Did ABC purposefully mix up the Best Picture announcement in an effort to drive ratings?

After some careful research I've found nearly everybody on that stage to be a paid actor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wiey8/did_abc_purposefully_mix_up_the_best_picture/
%
I invented a new word.

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wicwt/i_invented_a_new_word/
%
A man is on a photo safari in Africa.

He finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.
Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trunk, slams him on the pavement and then stomps the life out of him.
Different elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wi7tk/a_man_is_on_a_photo_safari_in_africa/
%
What's the best thing about duct tape?

It turns "no,no,no !"  into " mmm, mmm, mmm"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wi7jt/whats_the_best_thing_about_duct_tape/
%
A man takes his dog to the vet to be examined...

The vet picks the dog up, looks it over, and then says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
The man asks why.
"He's heavy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wi5l4/a_man_takes_his_dog_to_the_vet_to_be_examined/
%
My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.
Guess what...
She couldn't do either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wi19b/my_wife_told_me_women_are_better_at_multitasking/
%
I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5whxxt/i_just_found_out_that_archeologist_were_recently/
%
A man decides to go to a safari.

He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep stuff now." Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Hop on my back, monkey, and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine. "Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Oh boy, it looks like I've really had it now."
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn't seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says... "Where is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he's still not back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5whq14/a_man_decides_to_go_to_a_safari/
%
What do environmentally friendly mathematicians use to make a fire?

Natural Logs
Just though of this sitting in class, please don't hurt me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5whny7/what_do_environmentally_friendly_mathematicians/
%
Have you heard about the sick chemist?

If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, you’ll probably have to barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5whmd8/have_you_heard_about_the_sick_chemist/
%
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5whghk/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_during_sex/
%
Why did the marathon runner end up in jail?

For resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5whdy9/why_did_the_marathon_runner_end_up_in_jail/
%
So I'm in my hotel room, it's the middle of the afternoon, I'm completely naked—and the maid walks in

...finally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5whdrm/so_im_in_my_hotel_room_its_the_middle_of_the/
%
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig.

Now, it's not a very beautiful poem. But it is quite deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5whcng/i_dig_you_dig_we_dig_he_dig_she_dig_they_dig/
%
Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar?

They each got six months!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wh8ep/did_you_hear_about_the_two_men_who_stole_a/
%
Did you hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for his birthday?

He said it was the most violent thing he's ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wh6jr/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_man_who_got_a_cheese/
%
I met my girlfriend in primary school.

I can't wait til she goes to college.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wh5l3/i_met_my_girlfriend_in_primary_school/
%
Been working mornings in a juice factory, but I got sacked today.

Don't blame them though, I couldn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wh54x/been_working_mornings_in_a_juice_factory_but_i/
%
I greeted the mailman at the door naked

He freaked out. Not so much because of my appearance, more because I knew where he lived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wh4df/i_greeted_the_mailman_at_the_door_naked/
%
I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wh0ku/i_was_reading_an_article_on_how_men_could_be_the/
%
I have CDO...

It's like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order...as they should be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wgvil/i_have_cdo/
%
If muslims want to get into the US, they can just pretend they're Christians.

You know, just like Republicans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wgvcm/if_muslims_want_to_get_into_the_us_they_can_just/
%
What did the Ewok teacher tell one of her students when he was being loud in class?

"Use your Endor voice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wgpt5/what_did_the_ewok_teacher_tell_one_of_her/
%
If someone else flew first

It just wouldn't be wright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wgoci/if_someone_else_flew_first/
%
What do my wife and my dick have in common?

I beat them both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wggbm/what_do_my_wife_and_my_dick_have_in_common/
%
What do you say to a phone who can't see very well?

"Have you lost your contacts?"
Please be gentle, I'm new to this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wgbv4/what_do_you_say_to_a_phone_who_cant_see_very_well/
%
Jesus sees that planet earth is going to Hell in a hand basket because too many people are using something called drugs...

He wishes to know about this, so he calls His Apostles and tells them that they all have to go down to Earth to see for themselves what is going on and then come back to Heaven and report back to Him.
The Apostles go to different places on Earth and after some time, they come back to report what they saw.
John comes and Jesus asks him "What did you find?"
John: "I've got some funny stuff, that's called marijuana."
Jesus: "Oh yeah? Let me try it..." he tries it and... "Hey dudes, the music from the angel choir sounds so great!"
Then Paul comes with some amphetamine.
Jesus tries it and goes "Wow, I'm feeling hot and full of energy!"
Peter with some LSD and Jesus says "My hands... they look sooo... strange."
He tries all kinds of dope from each and every one of the Apostles and finally, with a huge stoned smile, he welcomes Judas.
"Sooooo...Judas...my...brother!" he says, "What did you bring?"
Judas replies, "Errr...I brought the cops!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wgbk0/jesus_sees_that_planet_earth_is_going_to_hell_in/
%
My friend was having trouble with a maths question - They couldn’t decide if a number was real or imaginary

I told them not to try and simplify something so complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wgaa9/my_friend_was_having_trouble_with_a_maths/
%
A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,

“All politicians are assholes.”
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”
The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”
“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wg6vq/a_man_is_sitting_on_a_bench_in_the_park_reading_a/
%
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wg32u/i_tried_to_sue_the_airport_for_losing_my_luggage/
%
John is a great painter.

He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom; it was so convincing, his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up.
She calls John's father on phone to complain about the kid and explains what had happened.
The father, apologizing from his hospital bed replied, 'You are lucky! At home, that idiot drew a VAGINA on the POWER SOCKET. He is the reason am in the hospital.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wg1dh/john_is_a_great_painter/
%
Why do programmers struggle with girls?

They tend to objectify them.
*I'll see myself out*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wg067/why_do_programmers_struggle_with_girls/
%
"I saw a stray cat earlier," said my dad.

"How sad..." I replied.
He said, "No idea. I didn't ask him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wfw8r/i_saw_a_stray_cat_earlier_said_my_dad/
%
My friend told me that he collects soil.

I said, "What on earth!"
He said, "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wfw5h/my_friend_told_me_that_he_collects_soil/
%
My mum just gave me control of the cutlery...

It's a huge respoonsibility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wfufh/my_mum_just_gave_me_control_of_the_cutlery/
%
Johnny and Tina were sitting in sunday school..

When Tina started to fall asleep in the front row. The nun sees this and calls out "Tina! Who created our earth world and hears our prayers?" Johnny quickly poked Tina in the back with a ruler and she sprung up and yelled "OH MY GOD!" The nun gave a suprised look and said "oh... I guess you were paying attention." 15 minutes later Tina falls asleep again and the nun calls out to her again "Tina! Who is our Lord and savior?" Johnny quickly pokes her in the back again. She springs up and exclaims "JESUS CHRIST!" Nun still sceptical, accepts the answer and continues on with the lesson. Another 10 minutes pass by and Tina is out cold. The nun is now standing right in front of her desk and looks down and softly asks "Tina, if you're awake you can tell me what Eve said to Adam after they had their 8th child?" Johnny quickly jabs her in the back and Tina jumps up in a rage, turns to Johnny and yells "IF YOU STICK THAT THING INTO ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA BREAK IT IN HALF!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wfrgx/johnny_and_tina_were_sitting_in_sunday_school/
%
I've told you a million times.

Do Not Exaggerate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wfqai/ive_told_you_a_million_times/
%
You know what hurts my feelings?

Nerve damage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wfoh0/you_know_what_hurts_my_feelings/
%
A juggler, driving to his next performance...

Stopped by the police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wflzj/a_juggler_driving_to_his_next_performance/
%
A Conversation over Walkie-Talkies

Her: This relationship is over!
Me: This relationship is what? Over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wfjnk/a_conversation_over_walkietalkies/
%
What do you do if you see a space man?

Park in it man...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wfilb/what_do_you_do_if_you_see_a_space_man/
%
Two electric windmills are standing in a field.

One turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?" The second one replies "I'm a huge metal fan".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wfhzr/two_electric_windmills_are_standing_in_a_field/
%
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wfh02/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
%
What did Simba say to his father after he died?

Stop lion around!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wfdg1/what_did_simba_say_to_his_father_after_he_died/
%
All the King's Horses, and all the King's Men, couldn't put Humpty together again.

But really, the horses weren't being all that helpful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wfd0v/all_the_kings_horses_and_all_the_kings_men/
%
American researchers decide to do a study to determine why the head of the penis is bigger than the shaft.

So they spend $50 million and 8 months to conclude that the head of the penis is bigger for the man's pleasure.
The French researchers see some issues with the American's study design and perform their own experiments and make their measurements, costing them 100 million euro and concluding after 2 years of tireless science. They determined that the head is bigger than the shaft for the woman's pleasure.
The Polish having reviewed both the American and French penis-shaft size discrepancy studies, decided to do their own research.
They spend about 500 zlotys, a week and a half, and determine that it's so your fist doesn't fly off and hit you in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wfar1/american_researchers_decide_to_do_a_study_to/
%
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three.  A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf9in/how_many_ears_does_captain_kirk_have/
%
What's the difference between a pizza and a hippie chick?

I don't peel the crust off a pizza before I eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf9f1/whats_the_difference_between_a_pizza_and_a_hippie/
%
Why did the hipster burn his lip when sipping coffee?

He drank it before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf92k/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_lip_when_sipping/
%
Nurse: "Doctor, there's a man that said that he thinks he turned invisible!"

Doctor: "Well I'm swamped right now, so tell him, unfortunately, I can't see him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf8mc/nurse_doctor_theres_a_man_that_said_that_he/
%
How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes the entire operating room to get it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf80u/how_many_gay_men_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Did you hear about the musicians who murdered a guest at the concert?

It was very cleverly orchestrated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf7ni/did_you_hear_about_the_musicians_who_murdered_a/
%
The real joke is in the commas

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation:
"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf6kt/the_real_joke_is_in_the_commas/
%
If I ever commit a murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.

Naan violent crimes almost never merit life sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf69r/if_i_ever_commit_a_murder_im_doing_it_with_indian/
%
Jesus Saves

And He always gets the rebound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf5bk/jesus_saves/
%
Tommy and Tony are in prison.

Tommy and Tony are in prison, in separate cells, some distance away from each other.   Sad little jail cells, with only a solitary, tiny barred window to peek into the outside. So they pass the time as best they can by telling each other jokes.
One day, Tommy asks , "Got any new jokes, Tony?"
"Sorry" Tony says. "I told you every joke I know months ago.  You got anymore new jokes?"
Tommy thinks for a moment and says, "Well... I do have one more joke.  But it's one of those jokes you gotta write down.  It's not funny when you say it out loud. Gotta draw a picture and stuff."
Tony suggests, "Why don't you write it on a piece of paper, and throw it over here?"
Tommy agrees, and spends all week collecting the perfect materials, rewriting the perfect joke, drawing the perfect accommodating picture, and shaping that joke into a perfectly aerodynamic and balanced paper plane.
On Friday evening, when the lights go out, and the guards are changing shifts, Tommy tells Tony, "Ok! Here comes the joke!"
He tosses the paper plane, it sails  across the prison hallway, slips between the prison cell bars, and glides directly towards Tony's awaiting hands.
Just as Tony is about to grab the paper plane, it gets caught in an updraft.  It bounces against the ceiling, changes direction, and then glides out the tiny cell window.
"Did you get the joke?" Tommy asks.
"No, sorry!" Tony responds. "It went right over my head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf4r1/tommy_and_tony_are_in_prison/
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Miss Columbia, Hillary Clinton, and La La Land won Miss Universe, the U.S. Presidency, and Best Picture.

In theory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf4md/miss_columbia_hillary_clinton_and_la_la_land_won/
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When was the first car horn used?

Exactly 0.001 seconds after the first traffic light turned green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf3l3/when_was_the_first_car_horn_used/
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What do you call transformer's father and mother?

Transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf3gp/what_do_you_call_transformers_father_and_mother/
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Best picture: La La Land



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf0fi/best_picture_la_la_land/
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(NSFW) GSW blew a 3-1 lead. Cleveland Indians blew a 3-1 lead....

Can't believe La La Land blew a misread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf0ay/nsfw_gsw_blew_a_31_lead_cleveland_indians_blew_a/
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La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture

But Moonlight won the popular vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wf09l/la_la_land_wins_oscar_in_best_picture/
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Jihadis on strike for better dying conditions

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike onWednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25%this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.
General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press,"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.
They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to Rosie O'Donnell. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wezic/jihadis_on_strike_for_better_dying_conditions/
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What's the best way to watch "La La Land"?

By the Moonlight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5weyzf/whats_the_best_way_to_watch_la_la_land/
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And best picture goes to...

La La Land - Steve Harvey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wexdd/and_best_picture_goes_to/
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My wife asked why I brought a gun home

I told her it was in case the decepticons attacked. She said that's the silliest thing she's ever heard and that I didn't need a gun. My wife laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. I shot the toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wewmp/my_wife_asked_why_i_brought_a_gun_home/
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Two Criminal Twin Brothers

Are on the run from the local government, travelling from town to town, hustling poker for money before the authorities show up to chase them out of town again.
After a few weeks of this they decide that travelling together is no longer a good idea.
So the first brother goes on to a nearby township and decides finding a job would be the best way to avoid suspicion. He goes to a church nearby and asks the priest there if he has any work for him, the priest says, "well of course, as luck has it, our bell ringer has fled town with the mallet he used to ring the bell, so his position is open." The first of the brothers accepts the job and asks to be walked through his job particulars, so the priest walks his up the stairs and says, "This is the bell, you ring it one time for every corresponding hour of the day that has passed. One ring for 1 o'clock, two rings for 2 o'clock and so on, however, we have no mallet for you to ring the bell with, so you're going to have to hit your face against the bell for each hour, do you understand?"
The first brother said yes and began his new job and new life at the turn of the next hour. 11pm rolls around and the first brother is starting to get a bit of a headache from hitting his head on the bell, but, being a new job and trying to avoid any trouble he began to hit his head 1, 2, 3, 4 ... 10 and 11! On the last strike of the bell the first brother knocked himself unconscious, rolled down the stairs the priest had taken him up earlier and broke his neck and died. When he hit the ground floor a nun heard the commotion and screamed when she saw his body mangled on the floor. The priest comes running and says "whats happened?" the nun replies "who is he?" "oh he was the new bell ringer".
A few years later the second brother moved from the town he had been hiding in to the same town as his now deceased brother, also looking for work he approached the same church and was given the same position, a bell ringer, excited to start his new position the priest walks him up the stairs and describes it exactly the same way he had to the previous bell ringer including not being able to fund a new mallet. The second brother began at the turn of the new hour.
Similarly when it hit 11pm the second brother noticed that his head was feeling rather pained, but, alas, he went ahead and banged his face against the bell 1,2,3,4 ... 10, 11! times. On the 11th strike the second brother passed out and fell down the stairs to his death, also breaking his neck, surprised by the noise the nun comes running to see what has happened, again shrieking in horror at another mangled corpse on the floor. Drawn by the commotion the priest asks what has happened, the nun tells him another man has died and says "Do you know who it is?"
The priest replies "no, I never did get a name from him, but his face certainly rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wes3k/two_criminal_twin_brothers/
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i bought some shoes off my drug dealer...

I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5weqgz/i_bought_some_shoes_off_my_drug_dealer/
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Why did the Russian walk to work?

Because his car kept Stalin and he wasn't Putin up with it any more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wemae/why_did_the_russian_walk_to_work/
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Grammar Nazi

nazi: We are mining too many useless ores!
Hitler: So mine less.
(grammar nazi bursts through door)
Grammar nazi: MINE FEWER!
Hitler: Yes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wellt/grammar_nazi/
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A North Korean defector got caught at the border.

But his plan went south.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wefd6/a_north_korean_defector_got_caught_at_the_border/
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My wife left me because she caught me measuring my penis.

For the record, it's just long enough to reach the back of her sisters throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wef28/my_wife_left_me_because_she_caught_me_measuring/
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I thought Friday was a sad day...

Turns out the next day was a sadder day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wech3/i_thought_friday_was_a_sad_day/
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What does an English teacher call Santa's elves?

Subordinate Clauses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5weaqy/what_does_an_english_teacher_call_santas_elves/
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I came up with a new word today!

It's "Plagiarism"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5we8hy/i_came_up_with_a_new_word_today/
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Farmer goes to market

A poor country farmer needed to get grain for his cow, so he decided to take a rooster and a hen to the local market for trade. He got on his donkey, and his wife handed him the poultry, one held tightly in each of his arms. The donkey was stubborn, but a few scratches behind the ears by his wife got the donkey started on the long walk.
The farmer was at the edge of town when the donkey got tired and stopped. With his arms holding the poultry, the farmer couldn't scratch the donkey's ears to get him walking again, and wondered what to do. Just then, a lady stepped out of her house to get the mail. The farmer called out to her "Excuse me ma'am! Would you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5we6q5/farmer_goes_to_market/
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The best student in Sunday School

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.  "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.  "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question.  "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"  And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.  This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5we4f8/the_best_student_in_sunday_school/
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What is a pirate's favorite letter?

The letter of marque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdzaf/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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An english, scottish, and irish man...

A English, a Scottish, and a Irish man work as construction workers and are on a job site atop a tall building being constructed. As they sat around eating lunch the English man says "I am sick of ham sandwiches. If my wife makes me another ham sandwich I'm going to jump off this building." The Scottish man says "Well I am sick of turkey sandwiches and if my wife makes me another turkey sandwich I am going to jump off this building." The Irish man, not to be outdone, chimes in "Well if I have to eat another roast beef sandwich I will jump off this building too."
The next day low and behold, they all end up with the same sandwiches and proceed to jump to their deaths.
At the funerals, the three widows gathered and cried. The English mans wife says "If only i had made him something else..." The Scotts mans wife says "All my husband wanted was something new for lunch..."
The Irish mans wife crying hardest of them all says "My husband made his own lunch :("

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdz32/an_english_scottish_and_irish_man/
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Three teenage boys are walking in the woods and they come across an abandoned well.

They walk up to it and peer down into the darkness.  The boys start wondering out loud how deep it is and one quickly grabs a pebble to test it out.  He drops it into the well and they listen...but there's nothing.
So the second boy grabs a rock, one about the size of a baseball and drops it in.  They listen again...nothing.  They are getting uneasy now.
Finally the last boy sees an abandoned railroad tie nearby and all three of the boys drag it to the well.  In one, mighty effort they hoist it up and drop it in.  They wait.
SUDDENLY a goat comes tearing out of the woods and dives head first into the well.  The boys stare at each other, slack-jawed until a farmer's voice interrupts their stunned silence.
"Have you boys seen a goat?  He should be right around here somewhere."  The boys awkwardly try to explain that a goat jumped into the well and that they absolutely had nothing to do with it.  But the farmer smiles at them and responds, "Don't worry, boys, that couldn't have been my goat.  My goat was tied up to a railroad tie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdwt7/three_teenage_boys_are_walking_in_the_woods_and/
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Little Johnny was a bit of a foul mouth

When a substitute teacher took over Johnny's class, the only instruction left by the teacher was to NOT call on Johnny, due to his foul language.
The lesson plan called for going over the ABCs, so the substitute called on little Cathy to say a word that began with the letter A. Johnny raised his hand to answer but the substitute teacher knew better than that.
Cathy said,
"A is for apple."
For the letter B, Johnny again raised his hand, but the substitute held firm on her instructions.
Alex was called on and politely said,
"B is for baseball."
This continued for nearly the whole alphabet with little Johnny raising his hand every time. Finally the class got to the letter R. Again, Johnny raised his hand. Now at this point, the substitute felt bad for Johnny and couldn't think of a bad word that started with the letter R.
So she called on Johnny, who took a deep breath and sweetly said,
"R is for rats...
WITH HUGE FUCKING DICKS THIS BIG!"
P.S. this was told to me by my high school history teacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdwbs/little_johnny_was_a_bit_of_a_foul_mouth/
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Sex Is Like Eating A Vegetable

The hardest part is getting them off the wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdrjy/sex_is_like_eating_a_vegetable/
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What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdr6v/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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Daren was an awesome guy..

But unfortunately he had a very very small penis. Too small. He wanted to get a penis enlargement but he didn't think he could afford it. Finally one day he went to his doctor and said "Doc can you help me? Look at my penis it is just SO small!" The doctor says "Well yeah, for $10,000 we can give you a standard enlargement." Distressed Darren tells the doctor that he just can't afford it. "Well, the doctor says, there is one option: See there is this experimental procedure where we graft the muscle and skin from a baby elephant to your penis. Results are a little unknown, but since it's experimental we'll do it for free@ "Great" Darren replies "Let's do it!"
So the doc tells him to come back Friday. Friday rolls around and the surgery goes off without any problems: "Listen" the doctor says "The operation was a success, but you have to wait until Monday before trying out your new penis" "Ok" Darren replies.
So Monday rolls around and Darren CANNOT WAIT to try out his new penis, so he calls up a prostitute and invites her out to breakfast.
Darren and the prostitute are eating breakfast when suddenly Darren's penis makes its way out from under the table, flops around a bit, then grabs a muffin and recedes quickly back under the table.
"What the fuck was that?!?" The prostitute exclaims shocked. "Ah, well, that's my penis" Darren explains "I had this experimental procedure on Friday where they take the skin and muscle from a baby elephant, and graft it onto my dick to make it bigger.."
"Oh" the prostitute says, understanding. "Well, do you think you could do that again?"
"Yeah I think so" says Darren "But I'm not sure I can fit another muffin up my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdqbo/daren_was_an_awesome_guy/
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"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdqaj/hello_everyone_welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts/
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Want to hear a joke about paper?

Nevermind, it's tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdotx/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_paper/
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Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdn9f/why_do_pencils_shave/
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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdmqn/how_many_apples_grow_on_a_tree/
%
Lighting is very important when I take photos of myself.

Because if there isn't any, chances are it's a good photo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdlx5/lighting_is_very_important_when_i_take_photos_of/
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A woman takes out an add in the newspaper reading....

"Wanted, a man who won't hit me, who won't ever run away from me, and is great in the sack!"
A week later she hears her doorbell but doesn't see anyone when she opens the door.  Just as she's about to close it she hears a guy say
"Hey, down here."
She looks down to see a man with no arms and no legs lying on her doorstep.
"I'm here to answer the ad." The man says
"And just what makes you think you fit the bill?" The lady responds.
"Well I don't have any arms so there's no way I could hit you." He says
"And without any legs I could never run off on you." He says.
To which the lady then asks "Well what makes you think you'd be good in the sack?"
"How the hell do you think I rang your doorbell?" He answers.
I'm sorry that I mistakenly used "add" instead of "ad" but I cannot edit the title so......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdlry/a_woman_takes_out_an_add_in_the_newspaper_reading/
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Au

Say what you want about the joke but the title is gold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdlmf/au/
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I hate it when people ask me what I'm doing in three years time...

C'mon guys, I don't have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdkt4/i_hate_it_when_people_ask_me_what_im_doing_in/
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During sex, I suddenly stopped and didn't move.

She was like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "Hush, I saw this on PornHub, it's called Buffering"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdjrl/during_sex_i_suddenly_stopped_and_didnt_move/
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The bear, squirrel, and a genie

A bear is chasing a squirrel in the woods.
They cross a river when, all of a sudden, the river genie appears.
Genie: "Well, shit. Two customers. I don't know who triggered this whole thing, so lemme give you 3 wishes. Bear, you start, since you're bigger."
Bear thinks for a moment. He smiles: "Ok, I want all the other bears in this forest to be females."
Genie grants the wish, turns to squirrel. Squirrel thinks. He looks up to the genie: "I want a motorcycle."
Bear shakes his head: "Squirrel, you don't know how to wish." Genie then asked the bear for his second wish. Bear responds: "All right, I want all the other bears in the COUNTRY to be females." Genie grants the wish.
Genie turns to squirrel: "How about it?" Squirrel responds: "Gimme a motorcycle helmet."
Bear shakes his head again. "What's wrong with you?" Genie then turns once more to bear and asked for final wish. "You know what? I want all the other bears in the WORLD to be female." Genie grants the wish, then turns to squirrel.
Squirrel grabs his helmet, puts it on. He then walks to the motorcycle, gets on it. He starts it, runs the engine a little. As he rides away, not looking back, he yells: "I WANT THE BEAR TO BE GAY!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdjjx/the_bear_squirrel_and_a_genie/
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I tried sharing a kebab with a homeless guy last night

He told me to fuck off and buy my own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdj4r/i_tried_sharing_a_kebab_with_a_homeless_guy_last/
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I've definitely got a nice butt

because whenever I talk to other people they say "What an ass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdhvk/ive_definitely_got_a_nice_butt/
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I got arrested for staring at two women kissing on the train.

That's the last time I'll be taking my laptop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdhuy/i_got_arrested_for_staring_at_two_women_kissing/
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A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdf9m/a_teacher_at_a_polytechnic_college_reminded_her/
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Cross word puzzle

A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!
The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. *Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles?* the man thinks. *I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!*
Sure enough, the pope leans over and asks the man "do you know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?"
*Oh no.* The man is speechless. He sits there, terrified but trying his best to put on a pensive face, for about 30 seconds. *The pope won't speak to me this whole flight if I say what first came to mind...*
Then it hits him! "Oh!" he says. "AUNT. The word you're looking for is 'aunt', Your Holiness."
The pope calmly nods. "Ah, of course," he says. "Do you have an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdexg/cross_word_puzzle/
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Why do seagulls swim by the sea and not by the bay?

Then they'd be bagels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wdcws/why_do_seagulls_swim_by_the_sea_and_not_by_the_bay/
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What's the definition of the word 'indefinitely'?

*I dunno, without a defined endpoint?*
For me, it's when the balls hit the asshole.
*shocked pause*
Because that's how I know I'm in...definitely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wd6xp/whats_the_definition_of_the_word_indefinitely/
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I own a boat but you can only fit your head in it

It's capsized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wd6ne/i_own_a_boat_but_you_can_only_fit_your_head_in_it/
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Little Johnny's mother was cleaning his room...

and while putting his clothes away notices some BDSM magazines tucked under his socks.
Unsure of what to do, Little Johhny's mother waits till her husband gets home and shows him the magazines.
Mother:  I don't want this smut in my house, how are we going to punish him?
Father:  I have no idea, but I'm sure as hell not spanking him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wd2jm/little_johnnys_mother_was_cleaning_his_room/
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RIP Bill Paxton

Since Trump took over I get sadder with each Bill that's passed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wd2hr/rip_bill_paxton/
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Did you hear about the two-seater plane that crashed into the graveyard?

Over 50 bodies have been recovered. Which is odd, considering its a two seater plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wczfq/did_you_hear_about_the_twoseater_plane_that/
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Why did John Lennon become a vegetarian?

He wanted to give peas a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcyb7/why_did_john_lennon_become_a_vegetarian/
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Paddy is talking to two of his friends at work.

His first friend confides to the other two, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
The second friend then also confides, “Wow, me too! I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
Paddy thinks for a minute and then says, “You know – I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Both his friends look at him in complete disbelief.
Paddy sees them looking at him and says, “No, seriously. The other day I came home early and found a jockey under our bed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcy9o/paddy_is_talking_to_two_of_his_friends_at_work/
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What's the difference between a fridge and a baby?

A fridge doesn't cry when you pack your meat into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcxcw/whats_the_difference_between_a_fridge_and_a_baby/
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Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner?

So they can have bubble baths.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcx2y/why_do_mexicans_eat_beans_for_dinner/
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A man asks to rent a book about suicide...

The librarian says, "No, you're not going to give it back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcwy0/a_man_asks_to_rent_a_book_about_suicide/
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What time do ducks wake up?

At the quack of dawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcwoy/what_time_do_ducks_wake_up/
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How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?

Pull its genes down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcu08/how_do_you_tell_the_sex_of_a_chromosome/
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What's the worst way to spend easter?

Ask Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wctl9/whats_the_worst_way_to_spend_easter/
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What's a ducks favorite drug?

Quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wctda/whats_a_ducks_favorite_drug/
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When I was young my dad really emphasized how important it would be to use a condom if I ever had sex with a girl.

I asked him why.
"Because, son," he said, "any girl that would sleep with you would sleep with anyone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcqqq/when_i_was_young_my_dad_really_emphasized_how/
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[Nazi Joke] What do you call a Jewish Pokemon Trainer?

Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcqmz/nazi_joke_what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon/
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Two muffins in an oven,

One turns to the other and says "fuck it's hot in here!"
The other one screams "AH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcpb2/two_muffins_in_an_oven/
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An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: “Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.”
Alien Commander: “This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?”
Alien Scout: “Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wco9r/an_alien_mothership_is_scouting_planet_earth/
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Getting into a relationship is like watching porn

It takes a while to find the one that does it for you, and will only last as long as you can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcny2/getting_into_a_relationship_is_like_watching_porn/
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I finally figured out where all my weight is coming from!

My shampoo, which runs down my body as I rinse my hair, advertises greater volume and body. Think I’ll start washing my hair with dish washing soap; it says it dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcm5x/i_finally_figured_out_where_all_my_weight_is/
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Little Johnny came to class late

Teacher: What's wrong? Why were you late?
Johnny: You know, we have a farm. And there is breeding issue. So, I took the cows to uncle Sammy's farm.
Teacher: Can't your father do it?
Johnny: May be but I think uncle Sammy's bull does better...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wck8p/little_johnny_came_to_class_late/
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A Nazgûl walks into a bar...

The barman says: 'I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind in here.'
The Nazgûl replies: 'That's Wraithist.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcj29/a_nazgûl_walks_into_a_bar/
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Knock knock. Who's there? 9-11. 9-11 who?

You said you'd never forget :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wchnt/knock_knock_whos_there_911_911_who/
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Timmy and his duck.

A young boy is about to go to school, so he grabs his books and backpack, nearly forgetting his wooden duck decoy that he needed for show and tell. He grabs it and runs out the door. His mother reminds him: "Be careful with that duck, Timmy, it belonged to your grandfather."
As he walks to school, a woman runs out of a house and stops him. "Hey kid, if you give me that duck, I'll let you have sex with me." He does what any pubescent boy would do in that situation, of course, and nods very energetically. He does the deed and manages to get to school on time as well.
As the day goes by, he realizes that wasn't such a good idea. He'd get an F in the class without something for show and tell, and his mother would be so disappointed in him for losing the decoy. So, he makes a plan. At lunch, he sneaks out of school and goes back to the woman's house. He knocks fiercely on the door until she answers, and he asks if he can have the duck back. She agrees, as long as he has sex with her again. He nods, slightly less energetically, but does the deed quickly due to his youthful rebound.
He makes it back to school on time, and has a successful show and tell. On his way home, he trips over a crack in the sidewalk and the decoy goes flying out into the street. Timmy's life flashes before his eyes as a pickup truck runs it over, shredding it to a pulp. The driver pulls over and gets out of the truck. He says, "I'm sorry, kid. I'd like to repay ya, but all I've got is this dollar." So he takes the dollar and walks home, devastated.
He arrives at his front door, terrified of his mother's possible reaction. But he decides that if she asks, he will tell her the truth.
Immediately, she greets him, asking how his day went. Timmy is quiet. So she finally inquires: "What happened to the decoy?" Timmy responds.
"Well - I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a buck for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wch3s/timmy_and_his_duck/
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I watched some guy steal my car last night.

In normal circumstances I would've stopped him myself, but I didn't bother and decided to just call the police.
Fuck it, I'll let him explain the bodies in the trunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcgz4/i_watched_some_guy_steal_my_car_last_night/
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Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.
One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kinds of hand held weaponry. The settlers took him in and after a while he finally felt safe.
One night, they heard loud groans start to surround the place. Zombies had broken in and after a few minutes had overrun the prison. The settlers did all they could but their weapons just weren’t up to the task and everyone was killed, apart from our lone survivor, Carl, who escaped as the last few were eaten alive.
Stumbling through the night, with zombies close behind in trail, Carl discovered a huge shopping mall. The settlers let him inside. They were armed to the teeth with a huge arsenal of Pistols, assault rifles, military grade weapons, the lot.
Carl warned them that there was a pack of zombies following him, but when they looked hundreds had gathered behind Carl and were now headed straight for the mall. The settlers fired every weapon they had at them, but wave after wave of zombies ploughed on through the wall of bullets and the settlers of the shopping mall were slaughtered. All apart from our lone survivor, Carl, who eluded death once again.
He ventured into a deep dark wood, stumbling over fallen foliage, with an Armageddon of zombies behind him, he ran into a huge wooden wall. As he got closer to the entrance, he saw a chicken dressed in military fatigues. The chicken scratched its feet on the floor, clucked three times and pecked on the huge wooden gates. They opened with an enormous “Creeeeek”. Inside was a farm, an old redneck farmer and his wife. “nice ta meet ya sonny”, said the farmer, “come on in ayn' have ay drink”
Carl quickly warned them that there were hundreds of zombies chasing him, maybe even thousands by now, but they didn’t seem bothered at all. “Shouldn’t we do something? Haven’t you even got any weapons at all” Carl shouted...
“Naw, we won't need em”, said the farmer
“The chick’n will deal with em” said his wife, calmly.
Carl was anxious, but he was fed up of running and wanted to see what this chicken could do, so he watched in anticipation...
The Zombies approached, and one by one the chicken took them down. It pecked through their zombie brains, scratched off their heads and kicked the living dead crap out of thousands of them.
Amazed, Carl said, “I’ve just seen that group of zombies tear through two settlements, both armed to the teeth with an incredible arsenal of weapons, and your chicken has just taken all of them all out single handed, how? how did that just happen!?”
“Well”, said the farmer, “we figured it’out a lon lon time ago. We dun' need any weapon’s at all, for the Hen is mightier than the Horde.”
...
Well I just wrote that joke today, hope it didn't suck. I'd appreciate any constructive feedback from you guys if you have the time. Thanks all :)
Edit... Some spelling changes, thanks to the comments for that
Edit 2... Some additions to the story, thanks again for the helpful comments guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcf05/appolcolypse/
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My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning,  but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wce7f/my_marriage_is_over/
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A LESSON IN GOVERNMENT

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcdj8/a_lesson_in_government/
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How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcbam/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Why did the scarecrow receive an award?

He was just outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcb4s/why_did_the_scarecrow_receive_an_award/
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Jimmy: "mommy mommy, at school they tell me that I don't pay attention to detail..."

woman: "jimmy, your house is two doors down"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wcabh/jimmy_mommy_mommy_at_school_they_tell_me_that_i/
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My friend wanted to make a language that was easy for mental patients to speak

But I told him that the idea was crazy talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wc9fj/my_friend_wanted_to_make_a_language_that_was_easy/
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Did you guys hear? Congress disbanded the CIA

Because they realized that the American people don't want intelligence to be a part of government

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wc6ps/did_you_guys_hear_congress_disbanded_the_cia/
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A young couple checks into a Bed and Breakfast.

When they get to their room, they proceed to have crazy wild sex for the next several days without coming out.
The Innkeeper, concerned, knocks on their door and asks "Are you hungry?"
The young couple laughs and then happily replies, in unison "We are living off the fruits of our love!"
The Innkeeper, frustrated, says "Well, stop throwing the skins out the window. They are choking my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wc23o/a_young_couple_checks_into_a_bed_and_breakfast/
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From my 10 yo son: If you're American before you go into the bathroom, and you're American after you leave the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

You're a Peein' (European)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbyr1/from_my_10_yo_son_if_youre_american_before_you_go/
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A fork and a knife's conversation

Knife: forks are basically  useless.
Fork: why? What will people eat with?
Knife:with their hands.
Fork: you've got a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbw35/a_fork_and_a_knifes_conversation/
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A priest is being honored at his retirement dinner.

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbvzm/a_priest_is_being_honored_at_his_retirement_dinner/
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What has 8 eyes and 8 legs?

8 pirates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbv7l/what_has_8_eyes_and_8_legs/
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An American starts using a urinal next to an Englishman

The American turns to him and says "Hey European"
The Englishman replies "I know"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbojq/an_american_starts_using_a_urinal_next_to_an/
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New leaks reveal that George Washington didn't cut down that cherry tree

it was actually brought down by Russian hackers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbljq/new_leaks_reveal_that_george_washington_didnt_cut/
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Emotions Party

A guy decides to throw an emotions themed party and he invites all his friends. He sets up his apartment with snacks, including chips and soda, puts on some good emotional 80s ballads and waits for his friends to arrive.
He hears a knock-knock at the door, goes to open it and sees a person dressed entirely in green. He asks, "What are you supposed to be?" The person dressed all in green says, "I'm green with envy."  The host says, "Great, come on in! The party is just getting started."
They're now both hanging out, eating chips and drinking soda, waiting for more people to show up. Then they hear a knock-knock at the door. The host goes to check to see who it is, opens the door and sees someone dressed all in red. The host asks, "What are you supposed to be?" The person dressed all in red replies, "I'm red with rage."  The host says, "Excellent! Come on in and make yourself at home."
They're all hanging out when suddenly there's another knock-knock at the door. The host goes to open the door and standing in the hallway are two big, fat, naked, hairy Italian guys. One Italian guy has a pear, and his dick is just in this pear. The other fat, naked hairy Italian guy has a bowl of custard, and he is just fucking this bowl of custard. Like, really going at it. The host asks, "What the hell are you guys doing?" And the first Italian guy says, "Well you see, me, I'm in dis pear. And dis guy, he's fucking dis 'custed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbldp/emotions_party/
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A Hindu, a Jew, and a TV Preacher...

A Hindu, Jew, and televangelist are traveling together when it starts getting dark. They see a ranch in the distance and decide to ask the rancher if they can spend the night.
They knock at the door. "Do you mind if we sleep in your barn tonight?"
"Well sure but you don't all have to. I've got 2 cots out back."
"I'll sleep in the barn, I don't mind," says the Jew. He leaves for the barn and the others settle into cots.
A few minutes later there's a knock at the door.
"I'm sorry gentleman but there's a pig in the barn and it's just not kosher, would you mind terribly switching with me?"
"Not at all," says the Hindu as he leaves for the barn. The Jew and the televangelist settle into their cots.
A few minutes later there's a knock at the door.
"I'm terribly sorry my brothers but it seems the rancher also has a cow. I can't lay in the same hay as a cow, they are holy to my people. Would it be possible to switch with you?"
"Fine!" Yells the grumpy televangelist, who is used to sleeping on the finest silk. He charges off to the barn and slams the door.
A few minutes later there's a knock at the door.
"Hey, that guy's an asshole, can we chill in here with you?" asked the cow and the pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbla4/a_hindu_a_jew_and_a_tv_preacher/
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New Rules for Heaven

One day God decides to change the rules to get into heaven. He approaches St. Peter and says: " From now on, the only way to get into heaven is for someone to die in an interesting way, I'll leave it to you to figure out what fits." "OK... got it." says St. Peter
The first day the new policy is in place St Peter explains the rule to the first guy who begins to tell his tale: "St Peter, I'm a devoted husband, I love my wife but I could have been more attentive. One day I decide to surprise her at home early with some flowers. I walk in our bedroom to find her naked, the sheets a mess and a look of surprise on her face." Intrigued, St. Peter asked him to continue... "So, I go nuts, I start breaking things, yelling, crying, demanding to know where the man is. Suddenly I find him. He's holding onto the edge of our sixth floor apartment's balcony. I go over, shouting at him and stomping on his fingers. He pleads with me and yells back but he falls, all the way down. But he lands in some hedge bushes and LIVES. Well, I'm so upset and enraged I go to the kitchen. I lift the REFRIGERATOR up, and throw it over the balcony. The fridge lands on him and kills him. The rush was too much for my heart, I have a heart attack and die..." St. Peter, surprised at the story saw no problem at letting the man in Heaven.
As the day goes on St Peter hears more stories, some good, some bad. Then quite unexpectedly he hears one that catches his attention... "Well St. Peter, I work out a lot, and take fitness seriously. One day I'm running on my treadmill in my apartment. I work up a good sweat and felt pretty good. Suddenly my treadmill starts speeding up. Panicked, I slip. I tumble backwards, over my balcony. By the grace of God I manage to grab onto the balcony beneath me. THEN OUT OF NOWHERE this fat asshole starts screaming at me, stamping on my fingers and calling me a all sorts of names. I lose my grip and fall all the way down to the ground. By some great fortune I live... then a goddamn REFRIGERATOR falls on me...." St. Peter, mouth agape at the incredible coincidence, decides the man has earned his entry and lets him on his way.
The day winds down and St Peter sees off the last of those eager to enter the Pearly Gates. Just as hes about to shut down for the day one last soul arrives. After a quick explanation of the new policy, the man gets a big, wide grin across his face. " OK St. Peter, are you ready for this? I'm naked, right? and hiding in a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbl15/new_rules_for_heaven/
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Love Letters

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying
Grandpa. She was in her 2os, and the man she was dating
left for war. "We were in love, " she recalled, "and wrote to
each other every week. It was during that time that I
discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."
Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the
war? " I asked.
Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your
grandfather was the mailman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbjek/love_letters/
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbgru/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
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Fart your guts out

A couple who had been married for several years now, were preparing to spend another Thanksgiving together. The woman was running around the kitchen trying to get the meal prepared to perfection when her husband came in the room, grabbed a devilled egg and let out a rumbling fart.
These farts that the man let out so often had become a topic of argument in past few years. The woman beleived it was a problem. The man would just laugh about it. Following these loud and disgusting farts, the woman would always tell the man that one day he would fart his guts out.
It being Thanksgiving and the woman having all the turkey innards and meat scraps in a bowl, she decided to play a prank on the man who was upstairs taking a nap. He was a very deep sleeper.
She took the bowl of turkey innards and scraps and ever so carefully placed tgem in the man's tighty whities while he napped. Then she snuck back down stairs and continued to prepare the meal.
It was about a half hour later when she heard a loud scream and fast footsteps to the bathroom. She immediately ran upstairs and asked if everything was alright. He quickly opened the bathroom door all sweaty and out of breath.
He replied, "It happened! I cant beleive it happened! I actually farted my guts out. I woke up from my nap and my guts were in my underpants! But by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I got them all back in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbgb0/fart_your_guts_out/
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A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...

He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.
Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'll wait," and waits an hour in the chocolate line.
He goes to a limo agency to book a limo for prom night, but they are having a sale so many engaged couples have lined up to book a limo. But the line is shorter than the candy store line and the boy thinks, "well, if I waited in that line, I can wait in this one, too." He waits half an hour in the limo line.
After that he goes to buy the tickets to prom. Everyone else is buying tickets too, but he doesn't want them to run out so he has to wait over an hour in the ticket line.
Finally he has everything he needs, so she asks the girl and she says yes.
The night of prom they get in the limo and drive to the venue. The event isn't very well coordinated so traffic is atrocious, and they wait for what seems like forever in a stand-still traffic line.
Finally, they get out of the limo and stand in line to get into the prom. It's a big school, so they wait for the better part of 45 minutes in the entry line.
When they eventually make it inside, the boy and girl start dancing. They're both having a great time, but the girl gets thirsty so the boy offers to get her some punch.
He goes to the drink table and there's no punch line.
Edit 1: wow, you scrolled to the bottom and read that there's no punch line? You're such a smart and special snowflake.
Edit 2: Yeah, I get it, this joke is a repost. I have never frequented r/jokes before, but I assume that reposts happen a lot. If all jokes were original content, this sub wouldn't be so active.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbcos/a_boy_wants_to_ask_a_girl_to_prom_and_he_really/
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A most interesting fellow

A man is walking down the street and runs into a rather strange looking fellow. He's wearing a dark hood obscuring much of his face, so he goes to investigate. He soon realizes that the hooded figure had no face at all.
"Excuse me, sir," the man asked the hooded figure, "do you mind taking off your hood for a moment?"
The hooded figure complies and pulls down the cloak, revealing a massive peach where his head should be.
Taken aback, the man asks, "why do you have a massive peach for a head?"
"It's a funny story, actually," the peach-headed man says, "You see, I used to work at an antique shop, and one day, when dusting an old, Arabian lamp, a genie appeared and offered to grant me three wishes."
"Wow," said the man, "that is certainly incredible! What did you wish for?"
The peach-headed man responded: "I was naturally very surprised by this development, but I wasn't about to allow a good thing go to waste. I immediately wished to become the richest man in the world, and immediately I received a notification on my phone alerting me that 10 trillion dollars had been deposited into my bank account."
"Whoa! You certainly were lucky!" Says the man.
"Oh, no - but it doesn't end there. You see, I still had two more wishes, and I knew I had to make them count. After some consideration, I then wished to have the most beautiful woman in the world, both inside and out, to be my wife and share in this luxurious life I had just been granted." The peach-headed man looked wistful as he spoke.
"Did it work as expected?" asked the man.
Although lacking a face, the peach-headed person seemed to look up at the man incredulously. "Certainly. Immediately, the most jaw-droppingly gorgeous woman entered the room with a ring on her finger. She was my new wife, you see. She seemed to hang off every word I said as if it were the most important thing in the world, and I immediately fell in love with her, too."
"Jeez," says the man, "and what did you ask for your third wish?"
"I asked for a giant peach for a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbcmx/a_most_interesting_fellow/
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My hot neighbour just accused me of stealing items from her washing line

I nearly shit her pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbc0z/my_hot_neighbour_just_accused_me_of_stealing/
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"Dad, look, I'm a 3D printer!"

"Shut up, son, and close the fucking door when you poop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wbbuq/dad_look_im_a_3d_printer/
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A priest goes fishing

In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.
The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.
Forgetting himself, the fisherman cries out, "Woah, look at that big son-of-a-bitch!"
Appalled, the priest responds, "Excuse me?"
The fisherman doesn't want to break ties with the priest, and he sees only one way out. "Oh, no, Father, you misunderstand. This fish is called the son-of-a-bitch."
"Oh, of course. I never would have known. Forgive me, my son."
The fisherman cleans the gargantuan bass. They wrap up their day of fishing and head back to the priest's home, since they've decided to cook up the bass for dinner. The priest walks into the house with his cooler, and presents the fish to his cook.
"Look at this big son-of-a-bitch I caught!" he says.
"Oh my God! It's the biggest I've ever seen! But are you sure you should be using that language, Father?" the cook responds.
"Oh, don't worry. This fish's name is 'the son-of-a-bitch.' The fisherman told me so."
"Oh, I understand. I'll start cooking it right away!"
As it happens, this priest is good personal friends with the Pope. By chance, the Pope happens to be in town, so he stops by to see his old friend. He is invited to stay for dinner.
The fisherman, the cook, the priest, and the Pope all are enjoying their dinner, when the Pope speaks up.
"Forgive me, friends, for I know that gluttony is a sin, but I simply can't help myself from eating this marvelous fish. I must know who is responsible."
"Well, I caught the son-of-a-bitch," the priest says.
"I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch," the fisherman says.
"And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch," the cook says.
The Pope looks around the room, astonished. The other three men realize they may have made a great mistake.
After a solid minute of silence, the Pope says, "You know, you motherfuckers are alright."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wb9f5/a_priest_goes_fishing/
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How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Nail a toast to the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wb8lu/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_ethiopia/
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A man had sex on an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wb8cc/a_man_had_sex_on_an_elevator/
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A man and woman had been married for 30..

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wb7gq/a_man_and_woman_had_been_married_for_30/
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the bulb for being broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wb6dg/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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My girlfriend's been screaming another man's name during sex.

I don't know who this "Help" guy is, but she must love him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wb558/my_girlfriends_been_screaming_another_mans_name/
%
A man decides to attend a local convention center where various local religions have sent a representative...

He decides to visit the Muslims first. He kneels to be respectful, and is soon taken note of.
"Inshallah, you will walk today," the imam says as he places a hand on his shoulder.
"I'm not paralyzed," the man interjects, and he leaves in a furor to the Jewish room. He once again kneels.
"By the will of God, you will walk today," the rabbi says.
"I'm not paralyzed!" the man seethes, and he leaves in a huff to go to the Christian room. He once more kneels.
"In the name of Jesus Christ the Lord and Savior, you will walk today." the priest says.
"For the last time, I'm not paralyzed! I've had it, I'm leaving. Clearly all religions are full of it."
The man storms out of the building to the parking lot and finds that his car has been stolen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wb48n/a_man_decides_to_attend_a_local_convention_center/
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After hearing that Starbucks is looking into hiring executioners.

I thought I need one too, because this joke is executed fucking terribly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wb24m/after_hearing_that_starbucks_is_looking_into/
%
Is it possible to stop a grenade from exploding by putting the pin back in?

I need a quick answer to this question

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wb1d4/is_it_possible_to_stop_a_grenade_from_exploding/
%
One one was a racehorse

One two was one too
One one won one race
One two won one too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wb0ot/one_one_was_a_racehorse/
%
People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wazvh/people_need_to_be_a_little_bit_more_considerate/
%
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says ;

"make me one with everything."
^(If this doesn't work on its own, there is an extension:)
The vendor gives him a hot dog and the Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill. After a moment of waiting, the Buddhist asks, "Where's my change?" The vendor smiles and says, "Ahh, change must come from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5way69/a_buddhist_walks_up_to_a_hot_dog_vendor_and_says/
%
guys I have a plan

PLAN
(P+L)(A+N)
PA+PN+LA+LN
Aww, my plan has been foiled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wax40/guys_i_have_a_plan/
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And old doctor

An old doctor left home and left his son, a young doctor, in charge. A patient came and said "I've been having this incredible pain in my knee for over 30 years". The young doctor performed surgery and the patient made a full recovery. When the old doctor finally came back home, the young doctor said "Dad, I healed your patient! The guy with the bad knee you couldn't fix for over 30 years". The old doctor said "Son, that patient paid for your food and education for the past 30 years, you fucking idiot".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5waw6c/and_old_doctor/
%
Two mailmen were out doing their rounds

and met each other on a street corner. They talk for a couple minutes then the first mailman sees a snail on the sidewalk so he stomps on it, crushing it.
The second mailman said "Why did you do that?"
The first replies "That damn thing has been following me around all day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wavw3/two_mailmen_were_out_doing_their_rounds/
%
A religious old lady prayed everyday for wealth...

She had lived a life free of sin and had suffered greatly through no fault of her own. Every day she went to her local church and prayed:
"God, i have been all my life, please, let me win the lottery"
Every day for many years she did this, until one day, the church roof split open and a booming voice commanded:
"WELL AT LEAST MEET ME HALFWAY AND BUY A TICKET!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5waqvx/a_religious_old_lady_prayed_everyday_for_wealth/
%
A man goes to the Doctor

*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?
*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.
"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.
One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!
*Guy*:This is totally  Nonsense!!
"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"
*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story.  Next patient please... .
Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5waocc/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Late Night Party

A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.
Dead-pan, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wakyt/late_night_party/
%
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wakl7/a_teacher_asks_her_class_what_their_favorite/
%
A kinky passenger grinningly exposed himself to a stewardess as he boarded the plane.

"I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wajq9/a_kinky_passenger_grinningly_exposed_himself_to_a/
%
Accidentally swallowed Scrabble tiles.

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5waiu5/accidentally_swallowed_scrabble_tiles/
%
A woman gets on a bus.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wagq9/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus/
%
myWoman = new Woman("Jenn", 32);

"What, am I just some sort of object to you now!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5waexp/mywoman_new_womanjenn_32/
%
Bill is sitting in the ladies beauty parlour waiting area....

A pretty woman came to him, pressed his shoulders gently & said: come let's go.
Bro Bill looked left & right, started sweating a bit & anticipating dire consequences said: I am married & waiting for my wife.
Lady: look carefully, it is me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wad66/bill_is_sitting_in_the_ladies_beauty_parlour/
%
A man and a woman just got married...

They're on their way to the honeymoon in a horse drawn carriage, when the horse starts acting up. It's jumping on its front legs, starts backing up, so the man gets out, walks over to the horse and says "that's 1". The horse calms down. So they start down the road, again, the horse just starts acting crazy. The man gets out and this time punches that crazed horse in the head, and he says "that's 2". Now they're going down the road, horse starts acting up. The man gets out, pulls out his gun, and shoots the horse in the head. The man then walks back to his wife when she says, "You're crazy! How can you shoot the horse? How are we going to get down the road?" The man says "that's 1"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wad2a/a_man_and_a_woman_just_got_married/
%
I forgot what direction I threw my boomerang.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wacvd/i_forgot_what_direction_i_threw_my_boomerang/
%
A woman walks into a pet store..

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5waapv/a_woman_walks_into_a_pet_store/
%
My parents treat me like Terms & Conditions

They don't give a fuck what I have to say

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wa73r/my_parents_treat_me_like_terms_conditions/
%
Why are dogs bad dancers?

Because they have two left feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wa6nl/why_are_dogs_bad_dancers/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wa4m4/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
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What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5wa3y5/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
%
Why does Donald Trump finish nearly every tweet with an exclamation point?

Because he thinks periods are gross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9z78/why_does_donald_trump_finish_nearly_every_tweet/
%
You know what they call the Hunger Games in Japan?

Battle Royale with Cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9yr8/you_know_what_they_call_the_hunger_games_in_japan/
%
I went to a party dressed as an egg

and I hooked up with a guy dressed as a chicken.
I guess we have an answer to that age old question.
It was the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9x8n/i_went_to_a_party_dressed_as_an_egg/
%
Went to a fancy dress party as a spider last night.

Fuck knows what time I crawled in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9wd5/went_to_a_fancy_dress_party_as_a_spider_last_night/
%
What's the difference between three cocks and a joke?

Your mum can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9w4q/whats_the_difference_between_three_cocks_and_a/
%
Just another cock joke

Farmer buys young cock. Young cock enters the farm and says to the old cock :
- You had your time, now you have to retire and give all hens to me.
Old cock :
- Ok, but give me last chance, let's race few laps around the farm, the winner takes it all. And you know, I'm much older than you, could you give me few extra seconds at start ?
Young cook agreed. The race beagan. Old coock started to run earlier, but the young one was very fast, he started to chase the old one, and with every second was closer and closer to him. All of the sudden the farmer grabs the young cock, takes a cleaver, chops off his head and says - Fuck me, third time in a row I bought a gay cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9w24/just_another_cock_joke/
%
The ultimate Dad Joke

A father, on his deathbed, with his son crying over him.
Son: "I'm so sad"
Father: "Hi sad"... leans in and whispers, I'm dead."
Keels over and dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9w08/the_ultimate_dad_joke/
%
A boy and his father are in an argument

Father: "I've had enough of this! Go to your room and don't come back out until you've thought long and hard about what you've done"
Son: "Fine, I didn't want to be here anyways"
Son: *Stomps up stairs*
Son: *Walks into his room, gently closes the door*
Son: "Jim Morrison sucks!"
Father: "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9vro/a_boy_and_his_father_are_in_an_argument/
%
Teacher asks Johnny what he want to be when he grows up.

"I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive club, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari over a million, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe; an Infinite visa card, and make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:
"And you, Tanya?"
"Ma'am, I have no doubt, I want to be Johnny's bitch..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9sv7/teacher_asks_johnny_what_he_want_to_be_when_he/
%
How many tickles does it take to make a japanese girl laugh?

Ten Tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9s41/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_japanese/
%
Why are meth heads so excited for Christmas?

It's only three sleeps away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9r1o/why_are_meth_heads_so_excited_for_christmas/
%
Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?
Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping,
I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.
Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.
The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.
Teacher: My goodness! Why the swelling?
Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping. I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad & mom start moving, mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up an making noises.
Then my dad asked my mom, "Are you coming?"
Mom said, "Yes, I'm coming, are you coming too?"
Dad answered "Yes"
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said "Wait for me,
I'm coming too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9og2/little_johnny_came_to_class_all_beat_up/
%
What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9nju/what_has_one_hundred_balls_and_screws_old_ladies/
%
The Priests Question

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’
All the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’ t belong to them?’
Half the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9kqo/the_priests_question/
%
What's the most offensive joke you have heard?

Here is a few I've heard: What's the best thing about sex with twenty one year olds? There's twenty of them
How do you get an emo out of a tree? Cut the rope
What do you call a black woman who's had 7 abortions? A crime fighter
Whats the difference between a jew and a dollar? People would care about losing 6 million dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9hss/whats_the_most_offensive_joke_you_have_heard/
%
This guy enters a psychiatrist's office with a duck on his head.

"May I help you?" politely inquires the psychiatrist.
"Yeah," says the duck. "Get this guy off my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9hr7/this_guy_enters_a_psychiatrists_office_with_a/
%
A scientist is studying a trained frog.

This frog has been trained to jump on command. Any time it hears the phrase "Jump, frog, jump!" it leaps with all its might.
The scientist prepares a scalpel, sewing kit, and measuring tape and begins his experiment; he says "Jump, frog, jump!" and as soon as the frog hears his voice, it jumps. The scientist measures the distance... the frog jumped four whole feet.
"Hmmm..." ponders the scientist, writing this down.
The scientist uses the scalpel to cut off one of the frog's front legs, and then sews the wound up. Then, eager to see what will happen, the scientist commands "Jump, frog, jump!"
Hearing the scientist's voice, the frog jumps. The scientist pulls out the measuring tape... the frog only made it three feet this time.
"Hmm!" the scientist says while stroking his beard.
The scientist removes the other front leg, stitches the wound closed, and resets the experiment.
"Jump, frog, jump!" he cries. The frog jumps forward, the scientist measures- only two feet of distance.
"Hmmm." the scientist ruminates.
Next to go is one of the frog's rear legs. Alas, sometimes science can be cruel.
The scientist orders the test subject to "Jump, frog, jump!" and at the sound of his voice, the frog jumps- only 12 inches this time, and slightly off-center.
"Hrm." frowns the scientist, and records his data.
Finally, the last limb is taken off. The scientist places the legless amphibian back at his starting point and shouts "Jump, frog, jump!"
The frog just sits there, looking up at him with its little froggy eyes.
Perturbed, the scientist bellows "JUMP, FROG, JUMP!" to no avail. It just keeps looking up at him sadly with those little froggy eyes.
"AHA!" cries the scientist, flush with the excitement of discovery.
"Frogs with no legs are DEAF!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9c08/a_scientist_is_studying_a_trained_frog/
%
Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away

His funfair will be held next Monkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9b5k/sad_to_report_that_the_inventor_of_predictive/
%
I saw a story about parents selling their kids on Ebay...

This is completely nuts, who does that? That's a child. A living being that **you** made. That stuff goes on Etsy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w9aj9/i_saw_a_story_about_parents_selling_their_kids_on/
%
A wise word of advice from my late grandfather. "When people say fight the power"

"They don't mean stab the power outlets"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w997k/a_wise_word_of_advice_from_my_late_grandfather/
%
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?

Because it was over 90°.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w98j6/why_did_the_obtuse_angle_go_to_the_beach/
%
What's the problem with so many people called Wing and Wong in China?

On the phone, you might wing the wong number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w97ke/whats_the_problem_with_so_many_people_called_wing/
%
A man walks into a bar

He quickly orders 5 bottles of beer. He immediately starts to drink the beer immediately, as fast as he can. In 2 minutes, he had already finished 3 bottles of beer. The bartender looks over and says, "Why are you in such a hurry?"
The man says, "You would be doing the same if you knew what I have."
The bartender replies, "What do you have?"
The man replies: "25 cents"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w92no/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day...

Give a fish a man, and you don't gotta worry about him squealing to the Feds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w92lb/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
%
Someone told me my jokes were average.

Boy were they mean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w925e/someone_told_me_my_jokes_were_average/
%
I'm dating a guy that works at the zoo...

He's a keeper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w91sa/im_dating_a_guy_that_works_at_the_zoo/
%
Why did the boy eat this homework?

Because the teacher said, it was a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w906e/why_did_the_boy_eat_this_homework/
%
What so you call a corpse that won't admit it's own sexuality?

A skeleton in the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8zvw/what_so_you_call_a_corpse_that_wont_admit_its_own/
%
My son gets harassed and abused by every single kid at his school.

He's being hyperboled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8z00/my_son_gets_harassed_and_abused_by_every_single/
%
Why do the Scottish wear kilts?

So they don't scare the sheep with the sound of a zipper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8ywh/why_do_the_scottish_wear_kilts/
%
How to talk to a congressman

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman as he smiled smugly, "How about global warming; universal health care; or stimulus packages?"
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To that the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8yo5/how_to_talk_to_a_congressman/
%
A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said,

"I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300." The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free." The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000." "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8xpl/a_man_and_a_wife_were_in_bed_one_morning_when_the/
%
Grandma loves Oranges

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8uzn/grandma_loves_oranges/
%
I'm pretty sure that I am related to Albert Einstein.

However despite all of my research into my family tree, I just can't prove my theory of relativity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8rp0/im_pretty_sure_that_i_am_related_to_albert/
%
Where does the know-it-all get his water?

From a well, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8pn5/where_does_the_knowitall_get_his_water/
%
Bill Clinton walks into a bar, but his head is about the size of a billiard ball

So the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. What happened?"
Bill says "Well, it's a funny thing.  I found an old lamp on the beach, rubbed it, a genie came out and said he would grant me 3 wishes."
"My first wish was to become Governor of Arkansas.  That was granted."
"My second wish was to become President of the USA.  That was granted too."
The bartender braced himself...
"For my third wish, I told the genie I just wanted a little head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8pid/bill_clinton_walks_into_a_bar_but_his_head_is/
%
Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8owp/why_do_french_people_eat_snails/
%
Cop performs a sobriety check

Cop: "say your abc's backwards for me please."
Suspect: "abc's? Backwards? Officer I couldn't do that if I was sober."
*brief pause*
Suspect: "shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8otx/cop_performs_a_sobriety_check/
%
Why was the guitarist arrested

Every night he fingered A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8mrg/why_was_the_guitarist_arrested/
%
Water.....I have news for you.

The poor bottle water notice he was red, it felt nauseous, it had diarrhea, and it had a sweet taste in its mouth. He went to the clinic to see what was wrong with him. But the doctor had bad news. He said" I'm sorry water, but you have **Kool** aids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8lf7/wateri_have_news_for_you/
%
What will the secret service yell when something is hurtling towards the president?

Donald duck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8l8a/what_will_the_secret_service_yell_when_something/
%
BuzzFeed's "Ten ways to tell if someone is a terrorist"

#6 will blow your mind!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8l64/buzzfeeds_ten_ways_to_tell_if_someone_is_a/
%
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8k2q/a_married_couple_went_to_the_hospital_to_have/
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Two magnetic fields are talking to each other

Magnetic field 1: "Aren't you mad that all the coils above you are parallel to your magnetic field?"
Magnetic Field 2: "Nope...I give zero flux!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8jrx/two_magnetic_fields_are_talking_to_each_other/
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An old man and his wife had been married for many years

And in their later uears, they were tired of each other and were always grouchy. For all the years they've been married, the wife would always make the man eggs for breakfast. One day she set the plate in front of him and they were over easy. The man looks at the plate and gets angry and says "I didn't want over easy I wanted scrambled!" But ate them anyways. So the next morning the wife made scrambled eggs and set the plate in front of him. The man looks down and says "I didn't want scrambled, I wanted over easy!" And angrily ate them. So the next day, the wife decided to make one egg scrambled and one over easy. She sets the plate in front of him, and he looks down at the plate and after a few seconds says "you scrambled the wrong one!"
A joke my grandpa just told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8jbi/an_old_man_and_his_wife_had_been_married_for_many/
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2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people.

1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8iga/2_reasons_why_i_dont_give_money_to_homeless_people/
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I reported my great grandfather to the ASPCA!

He told me that during his years as a pilot in WWII, he was involved in what he called "dogfighting". How cruel can you be?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w8cqs/i_reported_my_great_grandfather_to_the_aspca/
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That damn ice cream truck

There was an elderly couple that lived in a small town. The town had a gas station, a church, a small grocery store and just a few neighborhoods. The old couple lived in the neighborhood closest to the church. One day the man died and their granddaughter came by to visit with her now widowed grandmother. The granddaughter asked her grandmother, "grandma how did grandpa die" and the old woman says, "well sweetheart every Sunday we'd have hot sex. He'd time his thrusts to the church bells, out with a ding, in with a dong." At this point the grandma is getting misty eyed, and she says "your grandfather would still be here if that damn ice cream truck hadn't driven by"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w89t3/that_damn_ice_cream_truck/
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"It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!"

Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w88yc/its_a_boy_i_shouted_tears_rolling_down_my_face_i/
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I dreamt of a cobalt blue pig last night.

When I woke up I realized that it was just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w87lm/i_dreamt_of_a_cobalt_blue_pig_last_night/
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So I was at a massage parlor...

During the "happy ending" the lady kept saying
"Wow, your dick is sooooo huge, its the biggest I've ever felt!"
I told her "I appreciate it, miss, but we both know you are just pulling my leg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w863m/so_i_was_at_a_massage_parlor/
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What has 200 legs and 40 teeth?

The first row at a Trump rally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w852g/what_has_200_legs_and_40_teeth/
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Saw my son carrying a toaster upstairs to the bathroom

"Fat bastard" I yelled at him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w83mg/saw_my_son_carrying_a_toaster_upstairs_to_the/
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World War 2 fans have their own set of complaints....

"I can't believe Hitler blew an 11 country lead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7zw8/world_war_2_fans_have_their_own_set_of_complaints/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a spear?

The spear has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7zbo/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they're dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7xji/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
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Your age

In an effort to inspire his young son who did not want to go to school, his father told him :
"When Abraham Lincoln was your age he used to walk miles for the privilege of going to school."
The young boy thought for a moment and responded,
"Yes, but when he was your age he was President of the United States."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7wi2/your_age/
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What does Chris Brown call a group of his ex-girlfriends?

The punch line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7wf5/what_does_chris_brown_call_a_group_of_his/
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You've got a donkey, I've got a rooster. Your donkey bit the leg off my rooster...

Now you've got a foot of my cock in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7war/youve_got_a_donkey_ive_got_a_rooster_your_donkey/
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Two weevils were in a fight...

The loser was forever known as the lesser of two weevils

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7v4c/two_weevils_were_in_a_fight/
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I bought a knock-off Hitachi Magic Wand for my girlfriend.

We were both very disappointed when a rabbit jumped out of her twat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7trx/i_bought_a_knockoff_hitachi_magic_wand_for_my/
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What do you call a dog mixed with a magician?

A labracadabrador!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7qeh/what_do_you_call_a_dog_mixed_with_a_magician/
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick 😆

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7qbn/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber

There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks.
So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says, "With fronds like these, who needs anenomes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7pt1/there_was_a_mollusk_and_a_sea_cucumber/
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What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7pb6/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Rachel Dolezal, the white woman pretending to be black, is apparently jobless and living off food stamps

I guess she really was black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7nk3/rachel_dolezal_the_white_woman_pretending_to_be/
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What do you call a closet filled with lesbians?

A liquor cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7mte/what_do_you_call_a_closet_filled_with_lesbians/
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I killed someone while splitting wood today

I'm getting off though, they declared it an axe-ident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7j4q/i_killed_someone_while_splitting_wood_today/
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What do broccoli and sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7j07/what_do_broccoli_and_sex_have_in_common/
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What does kind of treatment does a suicidal cancer patient take?

Emotherapy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7gn7/what_does_kind_of_treatment_does_a_suicidal/
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Two nuns are bicycling through the streets of Rome on their way to an audience with the Pope.

Suddenly the senior nun in the lead looks back to her junior nun following behind.
"Sister, follow me, I know a short-cut!" as she darts into an alley-way.
"Oh my, I've never come this way before!" exclaimed the younger nun.
Winking back over her shoulder, the nun in the lead replied "It's the cobblestones!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7dvv/two_nuns_are_bicycling_through_the_streets_of/
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3 Women are Talking About Their Husbands

But since all of their husbands are named Bubba, they are getting confused about which one they are referring to...
So they decide to give each of their husbands a nickname based on a soft drink.
After a couple of seconds, the first woman says that she wants to refer to her husband as "7-Up, because he's got 7 inches and he's always up."
The second woman quickly adds that she'll call her husband "Mountain Dew, because that's what he does, he mounts and he 'do's'".
The third woman takes a bit longer and then proclaims that she'll call her husband "Jack Daniel's".
At the same time, both of the other women exclaim the she can't call her husband Jack Daniel's "because it is a hard liquor!"
The third woman replies "That's my Bubba!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w7cgw/3_women_are_talking_about_their_husbands/
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There is an benefit to being friendzoned

It implies you have a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w79vm/there_is_an_benefit_to_being_friendzoned/
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How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

By walking.
J.K. Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w79lz/how_does_harry_potter_get_down_a_hill/
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My friend purchased a front row ticket to the upcoming Mayweather fight.

I heard this was a popular community on Reddit and I didn't know where else to post this so here goes. My friend's wedding is coming up soon. He'd bought a ticket to the upcoming Mayweather fight knowing that it was a week before the wedding but the hall at which the wedding was booked made him change the dates for some problem they had to the same date of the fight.
He's very kindly requested that I give away the opportunity to someone from here. Comment if you'd like the opportunity.
Details: Bride is about 5"10, is a great cook...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w78z4/my_friend_purchased_a_front_row_ticket_to_the/
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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her the joke on Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w780c/how_do_you_make_a_blonde_laugh_on_saturday/
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Whats better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w76nh/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
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What do you call mixed emotions?

Watching your mother-in-law reverse off a cliff in your brand new car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w75t8/what_do_you_call_mixed_emotions/
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When I'm stressed I like to draw a line of trees, getting smaller as they reach the horizon

It really puts things in perspective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w74n1/when_im_stressed_i_like_to_draw_a_line_of_trees/
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Why can't Chinese people have white babies?

Because two Wongs don't make a white

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w72we/why_cant_chinese_people_have_white_babies/
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When it comes to sex, I don't fuck around.

Which is why I'm probably still a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6vb7/when_it_comes_to_sex_i_dont_fuck_around/
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A man is wandering lost in the middle of nowhere

When he happens upon a single house. Hoping he to find a place to rest, he approaches the door and knocks. A middle aged Chinese man opens the door and the man pleads with him for shelter as he has been without food and water. As he is speaking he notices the Chinese man's daughter atop the stairs and she is beautiful. The Chinese man, seeing the man at his door is in destress, offers him food and a place to stay for the night under one condition; "If you sleep with my daughter I will enact the 3 ancient Chinese tortures on you." The man promises and enters the house. After dinner the man is shown his room upstairs. A few hours into the night the Chinese man's daughter enters his room and asks the man if she may get into bed with him. He apologizes and explains he promised under threat of torture he would not sleep with her but she convinces him as he father was sleeping, she would be gone right after and she was quite beautiful. The man sleeps with her, she goes on her way, and the man goes to sleep. In the morning the man awakens with a giant bolder on his chest with a note saying simply "ancient Chinese torture number 1, bolder on chest." Surprised and frightened the man decides to throw the bolder out the window before he tries to slip out of the house. As he is pushing the bolder out he notices a note on the window that says simply "ancient Chinese torture number 2, right testicle tied to bolder." In a panic the man jumps from the window in effort to save his manhood. To his surprise the Chinese man is standing on the lawn and as the man jumps from the window he yells, "ancient Chinese torture number 3, left testicle tied to bedpost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6ubl/a_man_is_wandering_lost_in_the_middle_of_nowhere/
%
A wedding ring is a lot like The One Ring

Once it's on your finger none of your friends ever see you again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6u7c/a_wedding_ring_is_a_lot_like_the_one_ring/
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I called the suicide hotline in Iraq.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6rgb/i_called_the_suicide_hotline_in_iraq/
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I cried when my dad chopped onions.

I loved Onions , he was a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6r9u/i_cried_when_my_dad_chopped_onions/
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What major city is the most feminist?

Manhatin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6ooj/what_major_city_is_the_most_feminist/
%
Nobody expects

the Canadian Inquisition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6o9f/nobody_expects/
%
Asked my SO if we could try anal..

She said, "I don't know. Do you think you can take it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6nm2/asked_my_so_if_we_could_try_anal/
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I told Iron Man to break a leg, he tripped and broke his leg.

Oh the iron knee.
Note: I'm retarded and don't know 100% what irony is so this might make no sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6l8a/i_told_iron_man_to_break_a_leg_he_tripped_and/
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Catholic

Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6iph/catholic/
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Why do blondes make awful bank robbers?

Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6ior/why_do_blondes_make_awful_bank_robbers/
%
I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6him/i_asked_the_librarian_for_a_book_about_pavlovs/
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Why does snape teach potions and not herbology?

He can't keep a Lily alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6fnk/why_does_snape_teach_potions_and_not_herbology/
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A limbo champion walked into a bar...

He was immediately disqualified

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6e25/a_limbo_champion_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Geography of a Woman vs a Man

Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America... well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.
Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India... very hot, relaxed& convinced of her own beauty.
Between 46 & 55 a woman is like France... gently ageing but sensual, with an appreciation for the finer things.
Between 56 & 60 she is like Yugoslavia... lost the war, haunted by past mistakes & in need of massive reconstruction.
From 61 on, a woman is like Afghanistan... everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 80 a man is like Cuba... ruled by a dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6czk/geography_of_a_woman_vs_a_man/
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Two guys in communal showers...

Guy1: Do you want to play the rape game?
Guy2: Hell yeah!
Guy1: That's the sp... wait what?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6ci2/two_guys_in_communal_showers/
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Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact, I am"
Interviewer: "What's 37x19?"
Me: "39"
Interviewer: "that's not even close!"
Me: "yeah, but it was fast"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w6b5f/interviewer_i_heard_you_were_extremely_quick_at/
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There are three things that I absolutely hated when I was 5 that I love now that I'm an adult.

Green vegetables, reading and rough sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w69qs/there_are_three_things_that_i_absolutely_hated/
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Johnny

A teacher stood up in class, folding her arms. "Stand up if you think you're stupid!" She yelled. Nobody did. "I said stand up!" She repeated. Eventually, Johnny stood up. "So, Johnny! You think you're stupid?"
"No, Miss." Johnny replied quietly. "I just feel bad that you're standing alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w69j4/johnny/
%
Why did bat fly about the car's exhaust

It was an autoexec.bat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w63uw/why_did_bat_fly_about_the_cars_exhaust/
%
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w63jf/i_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_where_the_sun_went/
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Cereals

A 3 year old and a 5 year old play in their bedroom when their mother calls "Boys, time for breakfast!" and the 5 year old says "You know what? I think we're old enough to swear", the 3 year old nods his head. "I'll swear first and then you" the boy nods again. They come down and sit at the table, mother asks the 5 year old "What would you like for breakfast, dear?" and the boy replies "Fucking cereal!" WHAM! The kid gets slapped, falls off the chair and runs to his room. The mother, furious, turns to the 3 year old and asks "And you?" the boy replies in fear "Anything but the fucking cereal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w61vk/cereals/
%
A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.
Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead.   The farmer says, "you deserved it, you horny bastard!"  The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "sshhhh. They're about to land!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5znh/a_farmer_buys_a_young_cock/
%
Why can't you hear it when a pterodactyl goes to the bathroom?

Because it's "P" is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5ygx/why_cant_you_hear_it_when_a_pterodactyl_goes_to/
%
A sailor walks into a bar

takes his seat and starts drinking. He leans over to the guy next to him and says "Hey buddy, you want to hear a marine joke?" The guy says "Before you say the joke let me tell you this: I'm 6'0 190 lbs and I'm a marine, my friend is 6'2 210 lbs and is also a marine, the third guy is 6'5 250 lbs, he too is a marine. So with that in mind do you still want to tell the joke?"
The sailor stops for a minute and thinks to himself, after a minute he tells the man "nah I dont want to explain it 3 times"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5x2d/a_sailor_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I decided to teach Karate to my neighbor's kid

He was enthusiastic the first 2 days but then quit before he could finish painting the fences...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5w1j/i_decided_to_teach_karate_to_my_neighbors_kid/
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Two men escape an asylum

Two men are in a mental asylum. One day they decide to escape and find there way on the roof.  On the roof, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops that stretch away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend did not dare make the leap. His friend was afraid of falling. So then, the first guy got an idea. He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' But the second guy just shakes his head. He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5ut9/two_men_escape_an_asylum/
%
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet." she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5udv/a_3yearold_boy_examined_his_testicles_while/
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How does a greedy nut sound when it sneezes?

Cashew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5s29/how_does_a_greedy_nut_sound_when_it_sneezes/
%
My girlfriend invited me to her house.

My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me 'we should have sex while my sister isn't home. I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I found my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said 'you've won my trust'.
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5rnp/my_girlfriend_invited_me_to_her_house/
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My friends keep saying that I'm an alcoholic

But I swear to drunk I'm not God!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5o7w/my_friends_keep_saying_that_im_an_alcoholic/
%
Boss just installed watsapp.

My boss just installed watsapp and texted me:
Boss: Hey, send me some jokes or something.
ME: Ok boss but please first tell when will I get a rise.
Boss: LMAO Nice one send more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5n0d/boss_just_installed_watsapp/
%
A funny joke about journalism

Buzzfeed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5mwr/a_funny_joke_about_journalism/
%
Why doesn't Trump stay in the Whitehouse on weekends?

All the ghosts in their white sheets keep reminding him of his father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5mfk/why_doesnt_trump_stay_in_the_whitehouse_on/
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A vegan club is the worst place for social activity.

It's impossible to meat people there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5m3w/a_vegan_club_is_the_worst_place_for_social/
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A man is at a party drunk out of his mind

A man goes to a party and starts drinking heavily. After a couple hours he realizes he needs to shit. Badly. He starts stumbling around and asks his friend where the bathroom was, and he says "it's upstairs down the hall on the left, but be careful not to mess the room up it's a little fancy." With the knowledge of the bathrooms location he made his way up the stairs to empty his bowels. After checking a few rooms on the left side of the hall he opens a door to find the most luxurious golden toilet he'd ever seen in his life. Excited to cut a top shelf USDA choice loaf, he undoes his belt and sits upon the throne. Satisfied with his work the man makes his way back down to the party. Things go normally until ten minutes later when a booming voice bellows from upstairs: "**WHO THE FUCK SHIT IN MY TUBA!?**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5ldh/a_man_is_at_a_party_drunk_out_of_his_mind/
%
A man goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've been throwin' up all day"

He tosses a ball up and it lands back in his hands. "See? This has been going on for hours and hours!"
The doctor studies him for a bit and then finally says, "Hmm... I think you've caught something..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5l50/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors_office_and_says_doc_ive/
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Finally Together

Mia, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Mia also passed away.
At Mia's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."
Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"
The priest replied, "I mean her legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5l3r/finally_together/
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How can you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5krz/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_frog/
%
True love lasts forever

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5kco/true_love_lasts_forever/
%
René Descartes is sitting in a restaraunt

when the waiter approaches and asks "Would you like some wine?"
"I think not" said Descartes.
Then he ceases to exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5g7z/rené_descartes_is_sitting_in_a_restaraunt/
%
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5fch/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
Two fish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5e7o/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
Girl, you must be a trash can...

Because I want to take off your top and stick my junk in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5buu/girl_you_must_be_a_trash_can/
%
Asked a Chinese girl for her number last night

She shouts "sex! sex! sex! free sex tonight!"
Yes please, I said.
Her friend pipes up and says "She means 666-3629"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5bsk/asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number_last_night/
%
People: You can't have all four seasons in the space of 24 hours!

Ohio: Hold my beer.
*inspired by the fact that yesterday it was 74F and had thunderstorms, and today it's 30F and snowing.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5b7k/people_you_cant_have_all_four_seasons_in_the/
%
This is a joke

Just kidding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w5ah2/this_is_a_joke/
%
How to get rid of a tape worm

This guy went to the doctor and complained of having a tape worm. The doctor said, "I'm going to put you on a strict diet of 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie for every meal. Come back in a week."
So that night the guy had 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie for dinner. The next day for breakfast he had 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie.  For lunch he had 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie. Then that night for dinner he had 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie.  For every meal he had 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie. A week later he got up and had 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie for breakfast then went to the doctor that afternoon.
The doctor asked him to undress and lie down on his stomach. He then gave him 2 hard boiled eggs to eat. A couple minutes later the tape worm popped out of his butt and said, "where's my lemon cookie?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w56rg/how_to_get_rid_of_a_tape_worm/
%
I just discovered that an Asian has broken into my house.

All my math, physics, biology, and chemistry homework was done, my computer was upgraded, and that little fucker was still trying to back out of my driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w56db/i_just_discovered_that_an_asian_has_broken_into/
%
What do you call it when there is no internet in Russia?

Internyet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w566y/what_do_you_call_it_when_there_is_no_internet_in/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 keeps mangled corpses in a box in his garage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w52ot/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
Two police officers crash their car into a tree.

After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4zd4/two_police_officers_crash_their_car_into_a_tree/
%
I punched a clairvoyant who was laughing at me once.

I like to strike a happy medium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4z2m/i_punched_a_clairvoyant_who_was_laughing_at_me/
%
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man...

I told her to rub her eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4yhj/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_she_was_seeing_another/
%
Skydiving without a parachute

Is a once in a lifetime experience!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4xwa/skydiving_without_a_parachute/
%
I like my women like I like my whiskey.

I hate whiskey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4xpv/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
%
What do you call a cow with a nervous twitch?

Beef jerky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4vqo/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_a_nervous_twitch/
%
*Politics* Year 2019, two inmates are talking in a prison:

\-  What are you here for?
\- I wrote a comic strip saying that our president was an idiot.
\- Did they charge you under an article for rioting or harassment then?
\- For disclosure of classified information.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4vpv/politics_year_2019_two_inmates_are_talking_in_a/
%
Trump signs executive order banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese

He wants to make America Grate Again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4v0j/trump_signs_executive_order_banning_the_sale_of/
%
A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track..

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...
The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last fuck..!!!
Boy -'Listen dude, u were coming... She was coming.... and I was coming.... then I realised ....only You have Brakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4umu/a_boy_was_having_sex_with_a_girl_on_a_railway/
%
My father has had clocks thrown at him all his life.

Though he's in a great deal of pain, it's nice that he's stood the test of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4p7i/my_father_has_had_clocks_thrown_at_him_all_his/
%
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4nay/politicians_and_diapers_have_one_thing_in_common/
%
What's the hardest thing about gay sex?

Keeping a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4n38/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_gay_sex/
%
Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a redditor a joke, he will repost it for a lifetime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4k7y/tell_a_man_a_joke_he_will_laugh_for_a_day/
%
Communism jokes aren't funny.

Unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4k6s/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
%
At school

A teacher writes on the whiteboard: HNO3 and asks a student:
\-  What substance is that?
\-  Hmmm... wait a moment... It's on the tip of my tongue!
\-  Spit it out at once!!! That's nitric acid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4j9z/at_school/
%
I've been trying to kick my roommates out for months now.

But they keep insisting that I call them my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4gvk/ive_been_trying_to_kick_my_roommates_out_for/
%
My girlfriend is so smart!

I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4gsi/my_girlfriend_is_so_smart/
%
What is a chicken's favorite game to play in the pool?

Marco Pollo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4gpw/what_is_a_chickens_favorite_game_to_play_in_the/
%
I like my beer how I like my violence

Domestic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4gi0/i_like_my_beer_how_i_like_my_violence/
%
I was having dinner at my girlfriend's house for the first time.

"Excuse me, I just need the toilet," I said, excusing myself from the table.
"Don't forget to spray the air freshener!" joked the dad.
I said, "No need. Cocaine doesn't smell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4ghh/i_was_having_dinner_at_my_girlfriends_house_for/
%
Two hunters are out in the woods

when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4ehg/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods/
%
what do you call a good poem about clay?

true pottery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4dyq/what_do_you_call_a_good_poem_about_clay/
%
I broke up with my girlfriend because I am gay

She got really mad, and sent me a picture of her sucking some dudes cock.  I said to her "Tell Kevin I said hi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w4cjk/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_because_i_am_gay/
%
My porcupine committed suicide,

He quilled himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w49tc/my_porcupine_committed_suicide/
%
I forgot my boomerang joke...

Oh wait! ITS COMING BACK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w47oy/i_forgot_my_boomerang_joke/
%
A person was hit by a bus after he claimed pineapple goes with pizza...

Also, I lost my bus license today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w46ke/a_person_was_hit_by_a_bus_after_he_claimed/
%
I'd make a joke about my neighbor....

But it would be too close to home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3x08/id_make_a_joke_about_my_neighbor/
%
What's the worst part of my body?

The spine, it really holds me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3wwj/whats_the_worst_part_of_my_body/
%
What is E.T. short for?

He has really small legs.
(From my seven year old)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3w4r/what_is_et_short_for/
%
"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”

“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”
“Not this time, your dog died.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3v6y/hey_son_what_has_4_legs_and_doesnt_breathe/
%
What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS?

Acting surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3v6e/whats_the_hardest_part_about_hearing_your_sister/
%
Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot

The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.
When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3v5b/two_pilots_are_preparing_to_land_and_theyre/
%
Can February March ?

No, but April May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3sj1/can_february_march/
%
Kids these days.

The police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3qcf/kids_these_days/
%
My girlfriend dumped me over my love for pasta

And now I'm feeling canaloni

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3ppc/my_girlfriend_dumped_me_over_my_love_for_pasta/
%
What do you call an Italian Hooker?

A Pastatute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3o7b/what_do_you_call_an_italian_hooker/
%
A newly wedded desperate soldier sends a hand-grenade to his mother-in-law, with a note:

Dearest Mom,
If you pull this ring, I'll be able to get 3 days leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3iwv/a_newly_wedded_desperate_soldier_sends_a/
%
Give a man......

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3ir7/give_a_man/
%
2 reasons why I don't let my girlfriend drive my Ferrari

Reason 1: I have no Ferrari
Reason 2: I have no girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3ic3/2_reasons_why_i_dont_let_my_girlfriend_drive_my/
%
Human-beings get rich as they grow old:

Silver in Hair;
Gold in Teeth;
Sugar in Blood;
Precious Stones in Kidney;
And a never ending supply of Gas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3i5o/humanbeings_get_rich_as_they_grow_old/
%
My wife is so much better looking than me ..

My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3hx2/my_wife_is_so_much_better_looking_than_me/
%
Son : Mom, Dad... I'm gay.

Dad : *Raising his right hand*
Mom : No , don't you dare!
Dad : *Sweating profusely*
Mom : Don't do it!
Dad : *waves at son* Hi gay , Im Dad.
Son : No Dad, I'm serious!
Dad : You're serious? I thought you were gay!
Son : I'm not serious!
Dad and Mom : Good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3e36/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
%
I like my coffee like my men.

Nowhere near my penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3dpz/i_like_my_coffee_like_my_men/
%
I hate people using "gay" as a synonym for "bad"...

It's just so retarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3dm7/i_hate_people_using_gay_as_a_synonym_for_bad/
%
You are a Genius Boss

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3ddj/you_are_a_genius_boss/
%
Why can't Harry potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

Because they're both cauldron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3dac/why_cant_harry_potter_tell_the_difference_between/
%
A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sees 3 raw steaks hanging from the ceiling at varying elevations. He asks the bartender what it's about, and the bartender says, "Oh, it's our new deal. If you can jump up and touch each piece of meat without missing, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you have to pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. Wanna try?" The man replies, "Nah... The steaks are too high"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3chf/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Snake: "hisssss"

Feminist Snake: "herrrrrrr"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w3bbo/snake_hisssss/
%
You know what Trump had besides money?

A barber with a sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w38j8/you_know_what_trump_had_besides_money/
%
Bill Cosby

Ask your friend "Would you have sex with Bill Cosby." hopefully your friend says no then you respond with "Too bad you don't have a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w368f/bill_cosby/
%
What are some genuinely funny jokes?

The Students of MBBS were attending
Their 1st Anatomy
Class,
They all Gathered around the Surgery
Table with a Real Dead
Dog,
..
The Professor put His Finger in Dog's
a#s & Tastes it in His
own Mouth,
Then He asks the Students to do
the Same,
The students Hesitated for several
Minutes,
But atlast EveryOne inserted their
Finger in Dog's a#s &
Tasted it,
.
.
When everyone finished,
The Professor looked at Them & Said:
The most important Quality is
'Observation'
.
.
I inserted my MIDDLE Finger But
Tasted the FIRST Finger,
Today you just Learn,
"How to Pay Attention"
..
All Students shouted
BASTA##D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w33dz/what_are_some_genuinely_funny_jokes/
%
I once passed gas in an elevator,

Which was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2zii/i_once_passed_gas_in_an_elevator/
%
Wife was in the ICU.

The husband was unable to control his tears.
Doctor: We are trying our best but can't guarantee anything. Her body is not reacting. It seems she is in a coma.
Husband: Doctor, please save her. She is just 30 years old and the family needs her.
Suddenly something happened. Miraculously the ECG started beeping like crazy.
A hand moved, her lips mumbled and she spoke, "Darling, I'm 29, not 30..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2vy5/wife_was_in_the_icu/
%
North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered  "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered -  "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2utr/north_korea_will_send_man_to_sun_in_10_years/
%
What's the difference between a Pakistani school and military base?

Don't ask me man, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2syf/whats_the_difference_between_a_pakistani_school/
%
A businessman enters a tavern...

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2sqq/a_businessman_enters_a_tavern/
%
What do you call a homosexual Russian knight

Sergei

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2pvv/what_do_you_call_a_homosexual_russian_knight/
%
I asked a tall guy "how's the weather up there"

He spat on me and told me it's raining

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2obs/i_asked_a_tall_guy_hows_the_weather_up_there/
%
I like my Women like I like my Coffee

Very much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2mqf/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Why do feminists hate the US Postal Service?

Because it is a mail dominated industry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2lz0/why_do_feminists_hate_the_us_postal_service/
%
If your parachute fails while skydiving...

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2ls4/if_your_parachute_fails_while_skydiving/
%
My neighbor had a penguin on his porch

I call the neighbor
Me: hey man, you have a penguin on your porch!
Neighbor:  what should I do with it?
Me:  I don't know. Maybe take him to the zoo.
Neighbor:  that sounds like a good idea.  I'll do that.
Next day I look out across the street.  The freakin penguin is still there.  I call the neighbor again.
Me:  Dude! The penguin is still there. I thought you took him to the zoo.
Neighbor:  I did.  We had a great time.  We're going to the ballpark today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2i4t/my_neighbor_had_a_penguin_on_his_porch/
%
A wife is like a hand grenade ...

.. remove the ring and half your house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2hxf/a_wife_is_like_a_hand_grenade/
%
You have to wonder about a country where the bombs

... are smarter than the high school graduates. At least the bombs can find Iraq on the maps.
(quote by
Alan Whitney Brown of SNL fame)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2gvq/you_have_to_wonder_about_a_country_where_the_bombs/
%
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2gq2/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_that_stole_a/
%
What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it?

A pepperonly pizza!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2da2/what_do_you_call_a_pizza_with_just_peppers_on_it/
%
If your parachute doesnt work

Dont worry,you have the rest of your life to fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2caj/if_your_parachute_doesnt_work/
%
I said hey to a feminist once.

The trial's in three days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2c7o/i_said_hey_to_a_feminist_once/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee.

Stuffed in a burlap sack and smuggled across Brazil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2c52/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
You know many surnames are taken from jobs. Taylor , Smith , Cooper, etc.

Man, am I glad my last name isn't Dickinson!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2but/you_know_many_surnames_are_taken_from_jobs_taylor/
%
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot. What are you racist?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w2ax5/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_flying_a_plane/
%
Ten dollars is ten dollars

A married couple, Edna and Phil, go to the county fair every spring, and every year there's a stunt plane that goes above the fair and flies around doing tricks and whatnot for only ten dollars. Every year Phil asks if they can do it, but every year Edna says the same thing, "Ten dollars is ten dollars." This goes on year after year for almost ten years, when one spring the stunt pilot calls them over. "I've seen you folks come here every year and your wife always says no, but I'll make a deal with you; if you can go the whole flight without saying a single word, I won't charge you for it." Edna agrees and she and Phil excitedly board the stunt plane for their free ride.
The pilot takes them up and around the fair grounds, doing tricks and spins and giving them a great view of the countryside. When they land, the copilot says, "Wow, I'm impressed you went the whole flight without saying a single word!" Phil says, "Well I almost said something when Edna fell out of the plane during one of those loop-de-loops, but like she always said, ten dollars is ten dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w28np/ten_dollars_is_ten_dollars/
%
At a psychiatric ward: “Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room 6?

He believes he’s a wolf.”
-
Doctor: “Whatever you do, don’t let his grandmother visit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w25x8/at_a_psychiatric_ward_doctor_what_should_we_do/
%
50 shades darker brought in $46million at the box office

That's a lot of women who aren't offended by a billionaire grabbing some chick by the pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w24rx/50_shades_darker_brought_in_46million_at_the_box/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

Absolutely no pubes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w24e3/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A pirate walks into a bar

And he has a steering wheel stuck on his penis. Bartender says "hey pirate, what's with the steering wheel on your dick?
Pirate says "arrr it's driving me nuts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w206v/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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My friend had a tragic accident.

He got his finger stuck in a wedding ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w1zsb/my_friend_had_a_tragic_accident/
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Trump Administration blocked CNN, BBC, New York Times, LA Times from media briefing

Looks like Little Donald needs a safe space...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w1zfx/trump_administration_blocked_cnn_bbc_new_york/
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What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?

"It'sa not you, IT'SA ME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w1yv5/what_did_mario_say_when_he_broke_up_with_princess/
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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w1t2s/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
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What type of insurance does a florist provide?

Wife insurance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w1qdy/what_type_of_insurance_does_a_florist_provide/
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Splitting Internet Charges

I asked my upstairs neighbor to split my internet charges with me, and we could share the bandwidth.
He accepted.
I asked my downstairs neighbor the same thing.
Now I have free Internet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w1pxd/splitting_internet_charges/
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Parallel lines have so much in common...

It's a shame that they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w1jfa/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
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What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w1igj/whats_the_best_thing_about_fingering_a_gypsy_on/
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Is that an inhaler in your pants?

'Cause you got that ass ma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w1dk8/is_that_an_inhaler_in_your_pants/
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BJ - [Stolen from a friend]

You all know that I hardly ever post to Facebook but I HAVE to set something straight and get it off my chest. Sorry if this ends up being super long.
About 10 months ago I met a girl at work (I'll refer to her by her initials but some of you will know who she is anyways). BJ was absolutely beautiful. Straight out of a movie scene. I loved everything about her, from the way she would tuck her hair behind her ear to how she looked at me as if I was the only person in the world.
I got up the courage to ask her out and she said yes. We ended up hitting it off. BJ and I kept it lowkey, not wanting to label it as anything too serious for our own reasons but we were both very interested in each other. BJ seemed nice at first but I always had this nagging feeling that she had an ulterior motive for dating me.
She was always asking to go out, which was fine, but she'd pick the most expensive restaurants and activities and I'd end up footing the bill - she never offered. Naturally being a decent guy, I obliged because I thought she was worth it, plus she had mentioned that she'd always wanted to go to these places/do these things because her family could never afford to. I felt as if I was giving her an experience that meant a lot to her and being who she was, how could I possibly say no?
Her birthday happened to be coming up in May so I planned to take her on a surprise trip to NYC. On her birthday, I picked her up from her place with tulips (she really liked them) and we started the drive. I managed to keep it a secret for the first 60 miles but she's no idiot. When she figured it out, though, she was ecstatic.
When we arrived, I parked my car and she set up an Uber to take us to Fifth Avenue. I asked her what was there and she said it was a long street that was basically a shopping center. I kinda shrugged and just looked out the window. I'd never been to NYC before so I was taking it all in, all the different kinds of people, well-designed buildings, street performers... everything I'd expected and more. Except for the sounds. I hadn't been prepared for how loud the city was. Yelling, car honks, pigeon wings fluttering on the sidewalk, singing, music on the corner... All this noise wasn't annoying or disturbing. It completed the picture for me. The city was alive.
After what felt like forever, the Uber guy said that we'd arrived. As we got out, Uber guy suggested we check out the Lego Store. Kind of a big kid myself, I thought that'd be cool. Problem with that plan was that he'd dropped us off in front of Michael Kors and BJ couldn't resist. She took my hand and led (more like dragged) me into the store. Being a watch guy, I figured I'd see what they had. Never been that impressed with Michael Kors watches but my other options were purses, high heels, and dresses so...
I'd barely gotten to the glass case where the watches were lined up when I noticed that BJ had gravitated towards a purse and picked it up, beaming. She bounced over to me with it in her hands. I gave her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she had set aside some money and wanted my opinion about it. Nope. She'd set her mind on getting it and as she opened up her big brown eyes at me and fixed her mouth in a pout, I recognized the "buy-this-for-me-please-I-will-love-you-forever" face.
How expensive could this be? I thought. I flipped the tag around and immediately cringed.
"Oh, come on," she urged seeing my face, "Please, I really like it."
"I really wish I could, but I can't." I could feel people's eyes on us, waiting to see how it'd unfold. Her face fell, a sudden switch from what it had looked like seconds earlier.
But I wasn't about to have her walk out of there with nothing. "Are you sure there's no other one here you'd like?" One by one, I flipped tags around and noticed some were actually in a price-range that didn't make me perspire and run for the door.
But she just shook her head.
"Let's just go," she said quietly, grabbing my arm. The lady at the door told us to have a nice day, but I doubted those words could have made anything nice about that day.
Our trip would have been fine if it wasn't so overcast with her disappointment. We walked around, had pizza at Joe's, went to Central Park and the Museum of Art. But the whole time I could tell that she was still upset.
I figured that she was upset about more than a purse but I couldn't pinpoint it. On the way back I asked her about it. Told her I would have bought it if I could. She just shrugged and hit me with a, "If you really loved me you would have," which I just thought was absurd because we were not in love and even if we were the depth of my pocket wouldn't be the measure of it.
And that was the end of that. I broke up with her as I dropped her off, knowing that there was no reconciling IT. She and I were very different. And I had discovered her ulterior motive.
Last week, I received a call from her. We hadn't talked since May. Without really easing into it, BJ said that on December 18th 2016 she'd GIVEN BIRTH TO A SON. Now she's threatening to take me to court to have a paternity test done. I told her that it was impossible that the boy is mine. She's been relentless, hitting up friends of mine, sending me harassing text messages daily, saying "I know people I could send to your house, don't mess with me". It's been CRAZY. All the while BJ says she still loves me.
As I continue to deal with this I really have only one thing to say.
Look.
Billie Jean is not my lover. She's just a girl who claims that I am the one. But the kid is not my son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w1c0f/bj_stolen_from_a_friend/
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My girlfriend said she needs time and distance...

Is she trying to calculate velocity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w1ayk/my_girlfriend_said_she_needs_time_and_distance/
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So my friend was in Germany and made a nazi joke...

And people got a bit embarrassed and quietly explained to him that "ehm, you probably shouldn't do nazi jokes here, it's kind of forbidden...", to which he replied:
"Well that's stupid! What kind of fascist country bans nazi jokes?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w18av/so_my_friend_was_in_germany_and_made_a_nazi_joke/
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Women fall in love with what they hear and men with what they see

That's why men lie and women wear make-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w13uk/women_fall_in_love_with_what_they_hear_and_men/
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So I told Hitler about 9/11

I told him about the carnage and the aftermath, and how the state of America was changed forever, but he was confused.
So, I told him about the backstory, and how Bin Laden began to plan this in the 90s, but he was still confused.
Then, I told him about the numerous connections and the conspirators who trained to fly the planes.
I saw the look on his face.
"What's the confusion?"
Hitler: "But why no eleven?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w13rp/so_i_told_hitler_about_911/
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A married man found a chest with 20k and 3 pieces of corn

Man: honey, I just found a chest with some interesting items inside
Woman: what is it?
Man: well there is 20,000 dollars inside and 3 pieces of corn
Woman: well that is my cheating chest, every time that I have cheated on you I put a piece of corn
The man thinks to himself: well 3 times In 15 years is not that bad
Man: but what about the 20,000 dollars
Woman: well every time the chest is full I sell the corn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w13ox/a_married_man_found_a_chest_with_20k_and_3_pieces/
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I went to a really emotional wedding today...

...Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w12ub/i_went_to_a_really_emotional_wedding_today/
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Syrian refugees

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practice and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it is a Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd, my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys, and I changed my name to Dave. Beat that!"
The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking towelhead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0z7t/syrian_refugees/
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My mother said it would be impossible for me to be a bartender

I tend to disagree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0tnr/my_mother_said_it_would_be_impossible_for_me_to/
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What kind of joke do wheelchair users never make ?

A running gag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0su4/what_kind_of_joke_do_wheelchair_users_never_make/
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Could you stop posting feminist jokes?

I get enough laughs when they open their mouth.
Thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0q0q/could_you_stop_posting_feminist_jokes/
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I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0moz/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
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What did Batman say when he found a stranger in the Batcave?

I can't believe it's not Butler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0lvg/what_did_batman_say_when_he_found_a_stranger_in/
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If I locked my keys in my car outside of a abortion clinic...

Would it be awkward to go inside and ask for a wire hanger?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0kby/if_i_locked_my_keys_in_my_car_outside_of_a/
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A bear walks into a bar

and goes up to the bartender.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Bear: Can I get a ......................................………………..........................................................................................................................................................beer.
Bartender: What's with the big paws?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0jeg/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0ic3/how_many_surrealist_painters_does_it_take_to/
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Two blondes were walking down the street.

"What's in your bag?" One asked the other.
"Ducks," came the reply.
"If I can guess how many ducks you've got, can I have one?" Asked the first blonde.
"If you can guess how many ducks I have in my bag, you can have both of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0gqf/two_blondes_were_walking_down_the_street/
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How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They are an efficient people with no time for humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0gm7/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A charity checks its records, and realises that a successful lawyer has not made any donations.

So, a representative from the charity posts the lawyer a visit. "Our records show you haven't made any donations to us."
The lawyer replies, "Did your records show that my mother is ill with massive medical bills, my sister was left pennies with four children when her husband suddenly died, and my brother is disabled with no money to pay for equipment or care?"
The man apologises profusely.
He is about to leave the lawyer, when the lawyer adds, "If I don't give them any money, why should I give anything to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0fyd/a_charity_checks_its_records_and_realises_that_a/
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A kung fu student asks the teacher:

"Master, why does not my ability evolve and I'm always defeated?"
And the master, pensive, with all his patience answers:
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have already witnessed it."
"Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0f88/a_kung_fu_student_asks_the_teacher/
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If I made a dollar for every cancer joke I've made

I'd be able to pay for chemo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0e9e/if_i_made_a_dollar_for_every_cancer_joke_ive_made/
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My wife died in a sky diving accident.

Does anybody want a parachute, used once , never opened. ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0bm7/my_wife_died_in_a_sky_diving_accident/
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Voodoo d***. (INAPPROPRIATE)

A man and a woman get married, and they have the best sex. Better than most people would think, and their sexual compatibility is a large part of their relationship. One day, the husband finds out that he needs to go on a business trip that will last a couple of months. He decides that in order to keep his wife from getting mad at him for the unsuspected trip or get lonely while he is gone, he will get her a sex toy. After he gets finished with work that day he drives down to Joe's Lingerie Emporium, the best place in town. He asks the assisting staff in the front of the store what the best sex toys for women on stock are. The staff member shows him a selection of salacious devices that are interesting and fancy, but that the husband won't serve as a good substitute while he is away. He asks whether or not there is anything better at all, and in response to this the staff member shoots a couple of sideways glances at other parts of the store to make sure you are out of ear shot. They then proceed to lead the husband to a back room that is poorly lit with an altar in the middle. Atop this alter is a simple mahogany box. After inquiring about the nature of this box, the husband finds out that it contains something called The Voodoo Dick. He opens the box to see a simple wooden dildo of standard length inside. Incredulous he asks the staff member how this simple object could possibly be the best, to which the staff member replies by pulling a flesh-light from behind their back and saying "Voodoo dick, flesh-light". To the husbands great surprise, the wooden device flies out of the box and begins thrusting the flesh-light of its own accord. Immediately intrigued the husband asks the staff member how much it costs, and is told that before purchase he will have to learn to control it. He quickly masters the only two commands saying voodoo dick and then the thing that the controller wants it to initiate intercourse with, and saying "Voodoo dick, box" in order to get it to stop. The husband pays the price of $2000 dollars without hesitation, and quickly heads home to show his wife. After informing her of the trip he will take he quickly shows her the device. He begins by saying "Voodoo dick, my wife's vagina." and the device begins to thrust her so vigorously that she passes out from ecstasy. He commands the device to go back to its box and gets some sleep before leaving early the next morning to get to the airport. When the wife awakes to find herself alone she quietly contemplates the nature of the strange device before getting ready for her own job. After a week and a half of putting it off, she decides to finally use the dildo that her husband acquired for her saying "Voodoo dick, my vagina." after an hour of pure pleasure, she realizes she doesn't know how to deactivate the device and begins to panic. She tries everything from calling her husband, who is on a plane and can't answer, to pulling it out which is futile for reasons she doesn't understand. She decides to drive to the hospital to see if medical professionals can alleviate the problem. What she didn't plan for was how hard it would be to drive straight on her way there, and promptly swerves all over city streets. When she is finally pulled over by a burly traffic policeman, she recounts those recent events to the man telling him that she's being fucked by a crazy voodoo dick, and this is where the officer says "Voodoo dick my ass.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0bii/voodoo_d_inappropriate/
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a clothes line?

Aaron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0973/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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Trump writing a term paper:

Sources Cited:
1. You know it
2. I know it
3. We all know it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w08xh/trump_writing_a_term_paper/
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I asked a hot grandma if I had a shot at getting in her panties

She said, "Depends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w06k9/i_asked_a_hot_grandma_if_i_had_a_shot_at_getting/
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A Chinese walks into a bar...

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w065i/a_chinese_walks_into_a_bar/
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A doctor was caught having sex with one of his patients...

He was fired from his job at the morgue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w03ls/a_doctor_was_caught_having_sex_with_one_of_his/
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Playing on the roof:

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. As soon as she arrived there, she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said, "The cat just died." She burst into tears and said, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how's mother?" "She's playing on the roof." he replied.
This is not my joke but it's amazing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w030t/playing_on_the_roof/
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There's something sinister about the woman who stands next to me at the male sex doll factory

She gives me the willies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w01qq/theres_something_sinister_about_the_woman_who/
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Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist.

I regretted it literally one minute later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5w0018/got_a_tattoo_of_a_digital_watch_on_my_wrist/
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New Dossier: Russia has footage of Trump having sex with a potato

Let's be clear, these are the actions of a dick tater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vzvnc/new_dossier_russia_has_footage_of_trump_having/
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Grandma's Tattoo

"I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper. She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her bony hand, and says 'you know dear..... I have a tattoo too......' and her husband says 'Grace, leave him alone, he's working' I'm curious, I'm nosy, so I say 'Oh really, of what?' Grandpa rolls his eyes and goes 'here we go....' Grandma says 'It's ... a tiny ... little ... mouse' using the best of her ancient breath to get the words out. 'would you like to see it?' Um hell yeah I wanna see a 90 year old's tattoo! She goes 'it's on my hip, hold on' and pulls her blanket off and then starts trying to pull her skirt down. Her old lady flesh is totally exposed to the sun (we were on a patio) and I'm using menus to try to shield her, I was that worried it would just burst to flames or something. She keeps pulling at her clothes going 'hmmm now where is it, where is it...' getting dangerously close to seeing old lady pubes now. Finally she looks up at me and says 'Well, you know what... It's gone! I bet my pussy ate it.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vzv9h/grandmas_tattoo/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vzqex/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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Youngest Son: Dad, whats the difference between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'?

Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 million?
Wife: Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity
Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep with
Tom cruise for 1 Million?
Daughter: Yes He's my fantasy
Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 million?
Elder Son: Why not ? Imagine what I could do with that money!
Father turns to his younger son: You see son, 'Hypothetically' we're sitting with 3 millionares but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes & 1 gay Bastard !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vzpmi/youngest_son_dad_whats_the_difference_between/
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Three guys went out camping together

One morning, when they woke up, the man sleeping on the left told his friends "I just had the best dream. I got the most amazing handjob"
The man on the right, quite surprised, told him "No way! I also got a great handjob in my dream!"
"You guys have such great dreams, it's not fair!" complained the man in the middle, "All I dreamt of was skiiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vzoua/three_guys_went_out_camping_together/
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My wife's heating aid fell out while we were having sex

Me: I'm finished
Her: Come again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vznpb/my_wifes_heating_aid_fell_out_while_we_were/
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What do you do when you see your wife stumbling around in the back yard?

Shoot her again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vzn8c/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_your_wife_stumbling/
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When I went to Heavan...

I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vzmwh/when_i_went_to_heavan/
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Bad jokes

What's the difference between a good joke and
a bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vzm8q/bad_jokes/
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What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week-days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vzlfl/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
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Can I see your ID?

A little while ago in a supermarket in London, a young girl was screaming at the cashier for asking for ID for the large bottle of Vodka she was buying... as the cashier continued to ask for ID, the girl opened her coat to reveal a large swollen belly, and shouted "of course I'm old enough to drink vodka, I'm fuckin' pregnant!!"
An actual story from r/askreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vzkes/can_i_see_your_id/
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Modern day bullies be like:

"Nice gender, did your mommy pick it out for you???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vzhwv/modern_day_bullies_be_like/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

Nobody likes the dark ones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vzfoo/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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You think YOU have a meaningless job?

Think about the guy who makes turn signals at the BMW factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vzdmb/you_think_you_have_a_meaningless_job/
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Why should you never buy underpants made in Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vz9bh/why_should_you_never_buy_underpants_made_in/
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I was feeling lonely

so I bought some shares.
It's nice to have some company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vz6us/i_was_feeling_lonely/
%
At a Nazi mine, a worker calls out to Hitler

"Sir, we are mining too many useless Ores"
[Hitler rubs his chin, contemplating]
"So mine less"
[Grammar Nazi chimes in, from above]
"MINE FEWER"
[Hitler looks up]
"Yes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vz6rb/at_a_nazi_mine_a_worker_calls_out_to_hitler/
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Finally figured out why i look so bad in pics .

It's my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vz4yl/finally_figured_out_why_i_look_so_bad_in_pics/
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:

"Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vz4i7/a_man_inserted_an_ad_in_the_classifieds/
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What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne waits til you hit puberty to come all over your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vz4db/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_priest/
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Each Man Gets One Wish...

Steve Bannon, Donald Trump, and Justin Trudeau are walking along the path outside the Ottawa Parliament, when they come across a lantern in their path. Upon picking it up, a a cloud of smoke appears, and when it clears, to their amazement, there's a Genie!
The Genie says, "As there are three of you, and it's unfair to only grant three wishes to the one who released me from this lamp, I shall grant each of you *one wish!*"
Steve Bannon says, "America is going to hell in a hand basket. I wish to have all of the like-minded people who support the Alt-Right movement, who believe in racial purity and who are also staunch Republicans, to occupy the United States, and everybody who is not like us, to be immediately transported out!"
The Genie crosses his arms, closes his eyes and nods his head. *POOF!* Anyone who didn't conform to Bannon's view of "the perfect American" have disappeared from the U.S., and he too has vanished to his new utopia.
Donald Trump is AMAZED! He thinks for a moment, and says, "Genie, I want you to build a wall... But not just any wall! I want it to be so tall that nobody can get in or out without my say so, impenetrable to all, and make it COMPLETELY SURROUND the United States to protect our perfect America!"
Again, the Genie crosses his arms, closes his eyes and nods his head. *POOF!* A huge, impenetrable wall suddenly materializes around the United States, and Trump disappears, into his perfect America.
Justin Trudeau looks around, and sees all of the new people standing around, flabbergasted and confused as to why they didn't fit into this new "America". He looks down, saddened by the sight and thinks carefully for a few minutes.
The Genie looks at him, eager to hear what the Canadian Prime Minister's wish will be.
Trudeau asks the Genie, "Tell me, please. What has happened to our once-friendly neighbours to the south?"
The Genie responds solemnly, "Well, Mr. Prime Minister, the United States is now filled with only those who blindly follow Mr. Trump and believe every word he says, and those who are alt-right, and who feel they are better than their fellow man. Everyone is surrounded by a wall that is 100 feet high, and made of impenetrable concrete... Sir, what is *your* wish?"
Trudeau looks down, and then looks at the Genie, and says, "Fill it with water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vz38z/each_man_gets_one_wish/
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My dad gave me money to pay the electricity..

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car.
When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again. 🤓

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vz25p/my_dad_gave_me_money_to_pay_the_electricity/
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You know what they say about blanket statements?

They're all false.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vyyp2/you_know_what_they_say_about_blanket_statements/
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What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence?

Just cuz.
(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vyxkg/what_do_you_call_a_family_member_who_doesnt/
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A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door !!!!

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"****

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vytcc/a_woman_is_at_home_when_she_hears_someone/
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What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vysbv/what_do_you_call_someone_who_points_out_the/
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What kind of fun does a priest have?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vyqmc/what_kind_of_fun_does_a_priest_have/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vypdc/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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I really feel like I have a bad posture.

I have a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vym8d/i_really_feel_like_i_have_a_bad_posture/
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Enraged man enters a crowded bar with a shotgun.

WHO FUCKED MY WIFE? He yells.
Somebody from the crowd yells back: YOU DIDN'T BRING ENOUGH BULLETS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vym5b/enraged_man_enters_a_crowded_bar_with_a_shotgun/
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What did Gandalf say to Elrond as he watched him make a basket?

There Hugo Weaving again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vylu6/what_did_gandalf_say_to_elrond_as_he_watched_him/
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The Ku Klux Klan...

It's worth joining just to find out the name of the brilliant laundry detergent they use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vyhoh/the_ku_klux_klan/
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I just found out a distant relative of mine ate three people.

It's a lot to digest...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vyc5a/i_just_found_out_a_distant_relative_of_mine_ate/
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two foreigners in america are applying for citizenship

They're lined up outside the Citizenship and immigration office, along with many others, not wanting to risk deportation now that Trump is in office.
>Guy #1: I've had enough of this waiting, save my place, I'm going to shoot Donald Trump myself.
several hours later he returns.
>Guy #2: well? did you get him?
>Guy #1: no, The line for that was even longer than the one here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vybm2/two_foreigners_in_america_are_applying_for/
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I like my whisky like I like my women

Aged 12 years in a cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vyb06/i_like_my_whisky_like_i_like_my_women/
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Poor boy in hunger asked help from a woman

I've already given a "like" on facebook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vya2y/poor_boy_in_hunger_asked_help_from_a_woman/
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Why dont blind people go skydiving?

It scares the crap out of the dogs..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vy8ke/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
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A cop pulled me over and I flashed him my 9mm.

You could imagine he didn't take me very seriously after that and brought me up on public exposure charges. Guess he wasn't DTF.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vy0pz/a_cop_pulled_me_over_and_i_flashed_him_my_9mm/
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Two pilots, Rick and Dick, are flying, when they start talking about the new stewardess...

Rick says. "Have you seen Svetlana, she's absolutely stunning".
Dick says "Seen her?  I already did her after a flight last week!"
Rick says "Wow man was she good?". Dick says "Well she's not as good as other stewardesses but still better than my wife".
So Rick goes "well I gotta try this out.."
So after the flight he gets a drink with Svetlana, and one thing leads to another.
The next flight Dick asks "so how was she?"
Rick says "you're right, we do have hotter stewardesses, but she was definitely still better than your wife".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vxyba/two_pilots_rick_and_dick_are_flying_when_they/
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My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!"

But I regret nothing.  Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vxxhj/my_boss_at_the_furniture_stores_said_after_what/
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Did you hear about the Italian chef?

He pasta away recently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vxujd/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef/
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A father buys a lie detector

robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vxpq9/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector/
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Shopping with Wife

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury's.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury's...
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vxkyv/shopping_with_wife/
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I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vxjjp/i_remember_being_a_kid_and_my_parents_filling_my/
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I used to work at the circus

I was the guy that circumcised the elephants.
The pay wasn't great, but the tips were huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vxj7q/i_used_to_work_at_the_circus/
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What do you call a dog that barks in bass?

A sub-woofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vxivr/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_barks_in_bass/
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Two guys in a communal shower...

Guy1: You wanna play the rape game?
Guy2: No.
Guy1: That's the spirit!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vxeet/two_guys_in_a_communal_shower/
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I applied for a job recently because it offered something that would appease my vegetable fetish.

Apparently an 'attractive celery' means something different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vxeao/i_applied_for_a_job_recently_because_it_offered/
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I've worked with starving children in Africa, and let me tell you...

They are the slowest workers I've ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vxcwn/ive_worked_with_starving_children_in_africa_and/
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Donald Trump is like top shelf vodka

Expensive, Transparent, and wouldn't be here if not for Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vx7yk/donald_trump_is_like_top_shelf_vodka/
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My grandfather had a heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from the New York City Zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vx44g/my_grandfather_had_a_heart_of_a_lion/
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All these 3.14 jokes are...

starting to πss me off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vx2ml/all_these_314_jokes_are/
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What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?

Silicon Valley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vx28m/what_do_you_call_the_space_between_pamela/
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Only 3.14% of people

will find this sort of πle of shit joke funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vx0lv/only_314_of_people/
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Husband is late returning home from playing golf

"Wife" - "Where have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!
" Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason.
" Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW !
" Husband - "OK, Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the Button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.
She's was such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ...... the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. ...... I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. ............ There. You wanted the truth....you got it.
Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vwx6q/husband_is_late_returning_home_from_playing_golf/
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I'm an English teacher and I'm obsessed with staying clean.

I hope there isn't any literature house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vwvmz/im_an_english_teacher_and_im_obsessed_with/
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vwucp/there_was_this_couple_that_had_been_married_for/
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What does Barbie like to do on hallowe'en?

Pump ken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vwrw5/what_does_barbie_like_to_do_on_halloween/
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What do you call a knocked up tomato sauce?

Prego

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vwn5o/what_do_you_call_a_knocked_up_tomato_sauce/
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So there's two guys from Brooklyn.

Two guys from Brooklyn attend a special party in Manhattan. It's a costume party where you are supposed to come dressed up as your emotion. So this guy is dressed in all red because he's angry. Another dude is green, with envy, etc.
So the two guys from Brooklyn walk in. One of them is completely naked except for the fact that he's holding a bowl of custard and has his dick emplanted in the bowl. The other guy is also naked except for the fact that he's got his dick embedded in a piece of fruit that looks like a pear.
In any case, everybody's having a great time, and at the end of the party the host announces the prizes for best costume:
"And the winner is.....the two guys from Brooklyn! But guys, what emotion are you portraying?"
The first guy says, "I'm fucking discustid."
The second guy says, "I'm deep in dispair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vwkvv/so_theres_two_guys_from_brooklyn/
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How to fall out of love with an ex-girlfriend?

Set her voice as your alarm-clock ringtone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vwimw/how_to_fall_out_of_love_with_an_exgirlfriend/
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I hate when women say they're lonely when I'm here...

It's like saying you're hungry when there's a pile of cold spaghetti on the floor outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vwihk/i_hate_when_women_say_theyre_lonely_when_im_here/
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Being gay before the invention of lube..

Must've been a pain in the ass..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vwi6n/being_gay_before_the_invention_of_lube/
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I sat my children down to tell them the story of how i met their mother...

They said "Dad, Atleast wait until Mom dies to start thinking of dating someone else...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vwgg5/i_sat_my_children_down_to_tell_them_the_story_of/
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What did Bob Ross say to the prostitute?

"Just beat the devil out of it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vweiw/what_did_bob_ross_say_to_the_prostitute/
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I was on acid and I actually tasted colors.

Tasted a lot like paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vw97c/i_was_on_acid_and_i_actually_tasted_colors/
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A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar...

95% of americans were shocked to find out what happened next.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vw7jx/a_buzzfeed_writer_walks_into_a_bar/
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Man went to see a wise doctor about his toe

As his little toe on his right foot is turning purple. The doctor examine it and then took a sip of his tea and said: "I have over 50 years of experience as a doctor yet I've never seen a case as severe as yours. We must remove your toe immediately before it spreads to the rest of your foot." So the man had his little toe amputated.
A week later, the man woke up in the morning to find another toe on his right foot turning purple. He hurried to the same doctor. The doctor took a sip of tea and said: "I have over 50 years of experience as a doctor, it seems we were too late last time. We must remove this toe immediately." So the man lost another toe.
Over the course of the next few weeks, the man had the same symptoms showing on his other toes. And went to the same doctor several times. He has now lost all 5 toes on his right foot.
One day, the man woke up to find both his feet have turned purple. In fear for his life he ran as fast as he could to that doctor. "Please old wise doctor, you need to help me. I can't lose both of my feet, I won't be able to walk anymore." The doctor, examined his feet carefully, once again took a sip of tea and said: "I have over 50 years of experience as a doctor, I am very confident that it's just your sock losing its dye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vw6p6/man_went_to_see_a_wise_doctor_about_his_toe/
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I make conversation like I play chess....

Plan 3 moves ahead then freak out when the other person doesn't do what I planned for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vw3i4/i_make_conversation_like_i_play_chess/
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What do you say when a German shares a meme with you?

Danke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vw2iu/what_do_you_say_when_a_german_shares_a_meme_with/
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What are you looking for?

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vw23r/what_are_you_looking_for/
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I like my wife how i like my wine...

12 years old and in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vw0mb/i_like_my_wife_how_i_like_my_wine/
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The Pizza Delivery Guy

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvzj1/the_pizza_delivery_guy/
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Genders are like the twin towers...

There used to be two of them, but now it's a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvze2/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
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So a man walks into a grocery store and asks the cashier if they have helicopter flavored potato chips.

The cashier says, "sorry we only have plane." ✈️

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvxvb/so_a_man_walks_into_a_grocery_store_and_asks_the/
%
What's a kidnappers favorite shoe?

White Vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvryb/whats_a_kidnappers_favorite_shoe/
%
What Shoes do Spies Wear?

Sneakers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvrah/what_shoes_do_spies_wear/
%
A Father puts his 3 year old daughter to bed [long]

A Father puts his 3 year old daughter to bed, tells her a story and listens to her prayers which she ends by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvpud/a_father_puts_his_3_year_old_daughter_to_bed_long/
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvp8b/did_you_hear_about_the_fire_at_the_circus/
%
3.14% of People in Planes...

...are πlots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvolg/314_of_people_in_planes/
%
My sink went missing and I found it on the front lawn 2 hours later

Took some time to let that sink in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvnzu/my_sink_went_missing_and_i_found_it_on_the_front/
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I'll either get married or hang myself.

Fuck it. I'll tie the knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvmkz/ill_either_get_married_or_hang_myself/
%
My dog has no nose, how does he smell?

Terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvlum/my_dog_has_no_nose_how_does_he_smell/
%
Instead of a wall we should put up a giant mirror

So when Mexicans try to cross they will read "welcome to Mexico" and turn around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvjon/instead_of_a_wall_we_should_put_up_a_giant_mirror/
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Why does the grim reaper need a hearing aid?

Because he's deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvjbm/why_does_the_grim_reaper_need_a_hearing_aid/
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There are 3 types of people in the world

Those who are good at math and those that aren't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvj2m/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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They changed the power of my favourite light bulbs

And they're just not watt they used to be

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvfpm/they_changed_the_power_of_my_favourite_light_bulbs/
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Why did Stalin go to Bed Bath & Beyond?

He needed an iron curtain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvc8v/why_did_stalin_go_to_bed_bath_beyond/
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One advantage of telling a joke to a person who was born deaf is that no matter how old your joke is...

...you can be sure they never heard it before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vvaik/one_advantage_of_telling_a_joke_to_a_person_who/
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What does a mechanic do at a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vv6ri/what_does_a_mechanic_do_at_a_one_night_stand/
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What did the cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe?

Mitosis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vv69q/what_did_the_cell_say_to_his_sister_cell_when_she/
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If a gay man does a drive by

Is it called a fruit roll-up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vv4bp/if_a_gay_man_does_a_drive_by/
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How does a train eat?

Chew Chew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vv4b7/how_does_a_train_eat/
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A Japanese man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian replies "Get out of here, you won't bring it back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vv3r0/a_japanese_man_goes_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a/
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A police officer stopped a car on the highway

and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?"
The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!"
His wife told the cop: "Don't listen to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk".
All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?"
A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said: "Are we at the border yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vv2go/a_police_officer_stopped_a_car_on_the_highway/
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.

You have to admit, I make a very good point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vuxsf/_/
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Wanna hear a cat joke?

Just kitten, I don't have one right meow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vuwta/wanna_hear_a_cat_joke/
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If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vunlq/if_light_travels_faster_than_the_speed_of_sound/
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What's black and sits in a wheelchair at the top of the stairs?

A quadriplegic after a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vuija/whats_black_and_sits_in_a_wheelchair_at_the_top/
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i had to break up with my girlfriends because i was making references to Bethesda games

what a strange thing to fallout for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vuhrd/i_had_to_break_up_with_my_girlfriends_because_i/
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MySpace got hit by a DDOS attack..

More than 8 users were disconnected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vud80/myspace_got_hit_by_a_ddos_attack/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend...

Wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vuc7k/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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Guitar joke

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vuaak/guitar_joke/
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A Magician is driving down the street...

...and turns into a driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vu7vk/a_magician_is_driving_down_the_street/
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There are two kinds of people

People who clearly explain things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vu56x/there_are_two_kinds_of_people/
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Book, you look so much thinner!

I know! I had my appendix removed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vu4fn/book_you_look_so_much_thinner/
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What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

WATAAAAAAAAH!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vu3z9/what_is_bruce_lees_favorite_drink/
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What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vu2pl/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_2_legs/
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What kind of cow do Hindus living in Russia worship?

A moss cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vu20p/what_kind_of_cow_do_hindus_living_in_russia/
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Dark jokes are like food

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vu1wq/dark_jokes_are_like_food/
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Q: How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vu18e/q_how_many_members_of_a_specified_demographic/
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Marine

I had been at marines for 4 years.
And I went back to study.
In the second year I got the chance to go for a exchange in France.
My mother is French so I speak the language.
It is expensive in Paris so I look for a job to get some extra money.
After a week I got hired at Subway.
One night one of my ex-squadmates walks is.
We recognized eachother and start talking.
I tell him my story.
He starts talking in a retarded fake French accent.
I am ze french, I eet ze baguette.
Annoyed, what bread do you want?
I eet ze one thirthee centimeeter with ze bread zat iz yellow.
That's the flat bread.
Oui le flat bread.
Do you want veggies?
I eet ze little black circles.
You mean olives?
Oui olives in ze yellow sub, marine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtyz5/marine/
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My friend felt bad after making an offensive cheese pun. But I didn't think anything of it.

It's not feta judge him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtyw4/my_friend_felt_bad_after_making_an_offensive/
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Where do Socialist birds lay their eggs?

In a communest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtype/where_do_socialist_birds_lay_their_eggs/
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The regular taster at a winery died...

The regular taster at a winery died and the director had to look for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss.
The boss handed him another glass. "This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."
A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive," the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtycz/the_regular_taster_at_a_winery_died/
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Why are elevator jokes the best kind?

Because they work on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtxqb/why_are_elevator_jokes_the_best_kind/
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Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'

Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'
Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtwsl/just_asked_siri_surely_the_weather_is_not_going/
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Wow! 3 inches of snow fell last night!

Or as some guys like to call it, 6.5 inches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtuyg/wow_3_inches_of_snow_fell_last_night/
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What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtu4g/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
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When you buy a bigger bed

You have more bed room, and less bedroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtq07/when_you_buy_a_bigger_bed/
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I was going to join a group for people who masturbate . . .

But I'm just not feeling myself lately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtoaw/i_was_going_to_join_a_group_for_people_who/
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3.14% of sailors...

are πrates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtkpw/314_of_sailors/
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Whenever I watch a film I like to hold my breath while characters are underwater to see if I would survive in that situation

I almost fucking died watching Finding Nemo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtj63/whenever_i_watch_a_film_i_like_to_hold_my_breath/
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A man is dating 3 women...

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtfme/a_man_is_dating_3_women/
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A surgeon just removed my son's cardiac muscle.

That's disheartening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtemy/a_surgeon_just_removed_my_sons_cardiac_muscle/
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What has 2 kids and no money?

Every military in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vtbbf/what_has_2_kids_and_no_money/
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If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vt9hb/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_time_someone_called_me/
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What's the difference between me and a calendar?

The calender has got dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vt5ku/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_calendar/
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I just bumped into a mannequin and said sorry. Then I said "Oh I thought you were a person".

Then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vt49r/i_just_bumped_into_a_mannequin_and_said_sorry/
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Wetherspoons Uxbridge

A Group of blokes, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the barstaff had big breasts and wore short skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the barstaff were attractive, the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vt485/wetherspoons_uxbridge/
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Why did the king go to the dentist?

To get his teeth crowned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vt1i0/why_did_the_king_go_to_the_dentist/
%
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money i make.

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vt0bn/girls_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
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What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery man have in common

Both can smell it but they can't eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vszvg/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_man/
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My first time having sex was alot like my first football game

It was painful, it was tiring
But at least my dad came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vswkm/my_first_time_having_sex_was_alot_like_my_first/
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I try to use big words whenever I can...

Sometimes it backfires, but usually I end up looking really photosynthesis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vst1j/i_try_to_use_big_words_whenever_i_can/
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What do you call a reptile wearing a hoodie and holding a knife?

An alleygator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vslb0/what_do_you_call_a_reptile_wearing_a_hoodie_and/
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What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh*t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vsjui/whats_the_difference_between_a_sniper_with_bad/
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A Russian family gets pulled over...

A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militiaman pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the militiaman says, “you’re drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs and says “Yes, perhaps it is broken,” and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, “See, I told you is wouldn’t hurt to give the kid five grams of vodka.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vsfcg/a_russian_family_gets_pulled_over/
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Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day

Teach a man to fire: he'll turn orange, run a reality show based on it, and then take over your country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vscsh/give_a_man_a_fire_hes_warm_for_a_day/
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I'm always frank with my girlfriend

But Dave to the wife and kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vs9wr/im_always_frank_with_my_girlfriend/
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How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Put the ant in water.
If it sinks, it's a girl ant.
If it floats, it's boy-ant.
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vs9f3/how_do_you_tell_the_sex_of_an_ant/
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Excuse me while I typeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sorry, I just had a key-stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vs84k/excuse_me_while_i/
%
I yelled at my wife today for keeping broken condoms on the sofa

She answered that I shouldn't call our kids like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vs77c/i_yelled_at_my_wife_today_for_keeping_broken/
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Wanna here a secret about Nutella?

Well I'm nutell-ing you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vs4jb/wanna_here_a_secret_about_nutella/
%
Adam's discussion with God

So Adam is walking around the Garden of Eden and he calls out to God that he's kinda bored and lonely. He asks God if he can create someone who is kind and admires and serves him(Adam) in every way. God responds He can, but it's going to cost an arm and a leg, so Adam asks what he can get for a rib.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vs31j/adams_discussion_with_god/
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A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walks into a bar...

The Barman asks "What's a Muslim doing here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vs06t/a_muslim_a_christian_and_a_jew_walks_into_a_bar/
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Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy...

It feels great until you look down and realize your gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vs06j/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blowjob_from_a_guy/
%
A man and his pet monkey walk into a bar...

...They sit down at the bar and the man orders a beer. The monkey promptly starts running around the bar, eating everything in sight. He eats some napkins, peanuts off of the bar, all the marichino cherries, everything he can pick up. Then the monkey hops over to the pool table, jumps on top of it, and quickly grabs and eats the cue ball.
The bartender is furious and shouts at the man, "Hey pal, what the hell is the deal?! Do you see what your monkey is doing? He is going around eating everything in my bar. He just ate the fucking cue ball!"
The man says, "Oh crap sorry about that. He does this everywhere we go. I will pay for and replace anything he eats."
The bartender accepts this and goes back to work. The man drinks another beer, pays, and then leaves.
The next week, the man returns to the bar with his monkey. He sits down and orders a beer and the monkey starts up again, going around the bar eating things. Only this time he sticks them up his ass first, then pulls them out and eats them. He does it with a cherry, with a peanut, etc.
The bartender is even more furious this time and shouts at the man, "Hey pal! Your monkey is at it again only this time he is being fucking disgusting and sticking things in his ass first. What's the deal?"
The man says, "Oh yeah sorry. He still eats everything he can pick up, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball now he measures everything first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vry2y/a_man_and_his_pet_monkey_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why aren't men supposed to give birth?

Because if they did everyone would look like spaghetti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vrx3f/why_arent_men_supposed_to_give_birth/
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You know why light beer is like making love in a canoe?

Because it's fucking near water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vrunn/you_know_why_light_beer_is_like_making_love_in_a/
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I'm creating a new dating app for chefs!

It's called Tender! Swipe right to keep cooking or swipe left to leave raw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vrs6b/im_creating_a_new_dating_app_for_chefs/
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Knowledge is power.

* Knowledge is power
* Time is money
* Power = work/time
So
* Time = work/power
Which implies
* Money = work/knowledge.
So for a fixed amount of work, the more you know the less money you get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vrqtb/knowledge_is_power/
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Girl made $20 climbing a tree

A girl was excited that she made $20 climbing a tree, so she had to tell her mom. The mom said "Honey they just wanted to see your panties!" To which the daughter responded with "I was smart! I took them off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vrqfm/girl_made_20_climbing_a_tree/
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What's the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke?

The 'D'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vrohg/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_joke_and_a_dad/
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How is sex like telling a joke?

It'll make them laugh the first time, but after that it's just sad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vrntu/how_is_sex_like_telling_a_joke/
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Everyone knows dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President trump," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vrn99/everyone_knows_dave/
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I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.

I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through"
A man at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor"?
I said "No, that's my fucking Pizza"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vrm8e/i_looked_out_of_my_window_in_horror_yesterday_as/
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Sex with me is like a ferris wheel:

Slower Than You Hoped, Full Of Clunky Stops And A Carny Watches To Make Sure You Don't Get Off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vrlx2/sex_with_me_is_like_a_ferris_wheel/
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I was going to tell a joke about vasectomies

But it was cut short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vrkc5/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_vasectomies/
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What do you get when all 50 states legalize marijuana?

Baked Alaska.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vrjee/what_do_you_get_when_all_50_states_legalize/
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The Director Of Supercell Walks Into A Bar...

*Download the punchline for only $2.99!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vrjcw/the_director_of_supercell_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two cops and a police dog..

Two cops and a police dog walk down the park, as one of the men starts to inspect the dogs butt. 'What are you doing?', says the other.
'Just checking if our dog has two assholes.'
'Why would you do that??'.
'I hear people say, there's the dog with the two assholes again.'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vrc3t/two_cops_and_a_police_dog/
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Old couple

One afternoon, old man Charles was listening to a radio preacher while his wife Margaret was fixing dinner. The preacher went into a sermon about faith healing. After a bit the preacher says "I want you to put one hand on what ails you and one hand on the radio and say this prayer with me. You weakness, your sickness, your disability with he healed by the power of God."
About this time Margaret comes into the living room to get Charles for dinner and sees him holding the radio in one hand and his dick in the other. She says to him "The preacher man said he'd heal the sick, not raise the dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vr8wb/old_couple/
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Robbers in the Carport

I translated this German joke for you. Sorry if there are some mistakes I gave my best.
A man wanted to go to bed and had to shut down the light on the porch. As he went to the Window where the light switch is he noticed that there are three guys robbing things out of his carport. The man quickly run to the telephone and called the police. He whispered in to the Telephone ”You have to come as fast as possible. Three guys are stealing all the things out of my carport. I live in at 123 Joke Drive.“ The Officer answered.:” I’m sorry but all Officers in the whole city are out of order. We are sending a patrol to your house as fast as possible.”
The man was upset about this. Then he decided to count till 50. After he finished he takes the telephone and called the Police again and said:” You don’t have to send a Patrol anymore. I shoot the Robbers. Except of one but I will get him.” And hung up. After 5 minutes the whole house is surrounded with Policeman’s and they caught the Robbers at the moment they wanted to leave.
As the squad leader went to the man he asked him: “don’t you said you shot two of them?” as the man replied “don’t you said all Officers are out of order?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vr6ao/robbers_in_the_carport/
%
Happy new year!

-sent from internet explorer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vr4q6/happy_new_year/
%
Why are there no Knock Knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vr1pz/why_are_there_no_knock_knock_jokes_about_america/
%
Dad Joke: What do you call a Roman with a cold?

Julius Sneezar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqxes/dad_joke_what_do_you_call_a_roman_with_a_cold/
%
What happened to the cannibal that turned up late?

He got the cold shoulder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqx7m/what_happened_to_the_cannibal_that_turned_up_late/
%
Give a cat a fish, feed him for a day.

No seriously, that's it. Just give us the fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqwro/give_a_cat_a_fish_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
My mates son got chucked out of school today for letting a girl wank him off in class. That's the 3rd school this year.

Maybe teaching's not for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqvhc/my_mates_son_got_chucked_out_of_school_today_for/
%
My best friend tried to hide his drug dealing through a fake tobacco company and glass manufacturer.

It was all just smoke and mirrors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqvcr/my_best_friend_tried_to_hide_his_drug_dealing/
%
How does Al Gore fix a broken drumset?

Algorithms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vquch/how_does_al_gore_fix_a_broken_drumset/
%
Guy gets a call from his doctor.

"Your blood test results are in... I'm sorry to tell you that you have contracted leprosy," says the doctor.
"What? How?" Guy exclaims.
"Can't be sure, but we need to discuss treatment options. There is a cure, but it is extremely expensive."
"What choice do I have, doc?" Guy laments. "How much will it cost?"
"An arm and a leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqu83/guy_gets_a_call_from_his_doctor/
%
What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqu48/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
%
What do people say when Elon Musk says ,"I'm going to the gym."?

Musk-u-liar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqu2t/what_do_people_say_when_elon_musk_says_im_going/
%
Whats better, ignorance or apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqqbx/whats_better_ignorance_or_apathy/
%
My friend wanted to give me a tan

They wrote sin/cos on my hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqpbn/my_friend_wanted_to_give_me_a_tan/
%
A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'
Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, 'Who are you?'
The second man replied, 'Income tax officer.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqorr/a_man_took_out_a_lemon_in_a_crowd_of_people/
%
Please, Let me Buy you a Meal

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
Teeth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqoq5/please_let_me_buy_you_a_meal/
%
This joke is about a word that can mean both 'excellent' and 'overdue'!

It's outstanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqnj5/this_joke_is_about_a_word_that_can_mean_both/
%
I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate

Let me know if you can come or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqklz/im_throwing_a_party_for_people_who_cant_ejaculate/
%
An elderly World War II Spitfire pilot... [long]

An elderly World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences.
"In 1942," he says, "tha' situation was real tough. The Germans ha' a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."
There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.
"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."
At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.
The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."
"Aye, thas' true," says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flyin' Messerschmitts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqhvh/an_elderly_world_war_ii_spitfire_pilot_long/
%
Late one night a mugger wearing a mask !!!

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqfsu/late_one_night_a_mugger_wearing_a_mask/
%
The optometrist told me I had Gary Larson disease

I'm farsided

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqel5/the_optometrist_told_me_i_had_gary_larson_disease/
%
A man rushed into the doctors office shouting

"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" He said.
The doctor calmly replied, "Now settle down, you'll just have to be a little patient"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqd66/a_man_rushed_into_the_doctors_office_shouting/
%
Flat earth society member: We have members all around the globe

Me: Say that again slowly...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqblh/flat_earth_society_member_we_have_members_all/
%
I'm Becoming a Hindu

Son : Dad I want to learn about Hinduism
Dad : So are you going to be praying to your mother now?
Son : What are you talking about...
Dad : Hindus worship cows right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vqbh7/im_becoming_a_hindu/
%
Two Fleas on Vacation (nsfw)

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.
The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea says, "That's the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of.
"
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by... When the first flea shows up in Miami he shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea. "I did exactly what you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vq8i8/two_fleas_on_vacation_nsfw/
%
Did you hear about the convention for irregular and non-quadrilateral shapes?

Be there or be sqaure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vq6k5/did_you_hear_about_the_convention_for_irregular/
%
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head....

...Doug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vq5wz/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_shovel_in_his_head/
%
Immigrant comes to a doctor...

"Doctor, after I left my country and traveled here, I feel very ill. I dont sleep well, I cant eat. Help me!", - says immigrant.
"I was in the same situation before", - doctor replies. "There is a bucket in other room. Go take a crap, piss in it, then put your head inside".
Immigrant is confused but obeys. Then comes back to doc.
"Doctor, I feel great now! Tell me, what was wrong with me?"
"You just miss home"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vq5lc/immigrant_comes_to_a_doctor/
%
Whenever I find the key to success,

someone changes the lock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vq3va/whenever_i_find_the_key_to_success/
%
I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vq2b3/im_writing_a_book_called_stop_overreacting/
%
Statistician on a plane

A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane. "How come you changed your theory?" he asked. "Oh, I didn't change my theory; it's just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vq22l/statistician_on_a_plane/
%
Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?"

"Hail, Hitler"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpzoz/adolf_asked_his_advisor_hows_the_weather_today/
%
Love may be blind,

but marriage is a real eye-opener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpzi3/love_may_be_blind/
%
Why do some couples not go to the gym?

Some relationships don't work out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpzcj/why_do_some_couples_not_go_to_the_gym/
%
A man is attending the burial of his wife, who has just died.

When someone asks, 'Who is it who rests in peace here?', he answers, 'Me, now that I'm rid of her!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpv1q/a_man_is_attending_the_burial_of_his_wife_who_has/
%
What do you call a locksmith with a lisp?

Keith

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpuwv/what_do_you_call_a_locksmith_with_a_lisp/
%
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpuim/whats_the_difference_between_a_new_husband_and_a/
%
The scarf store

A guy walks in to a scarf shop and asks what kind of scarves they sell.
The owner replies "we have wool ones inside and cashmere outside, how bout dat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpu3x/the_scarf_store/
%
A bank is a place that will lend you money,

if you can prove that you don’t need it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpt06/a_bank_is_a_place_that_will_lend_you_money/
%
An Englishman, An Irishman and a Scotsman are sitting...

An Englishman, An Irishman and a Scotsman are sitting and talking about how hard it is to raise teenage girls.
Englishman gets up and says: "I went to my girls room last night and I found a bottle of Johnie Walker. I didn't know she drinks."
Irishman gets up and says: "That's notin'! I went to my girls room last night and I found a pack of cigarettes! I had no idea she smoked."
Scotsman gets up and says: "Sit down the both of you's. That's nothin'! I went to my girls room last night and I find a pack of bloody condoms.
I didn't know she had a cock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpsv8/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_are/
%
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vprqk/how_do_you_get_a_sweet_80yearold_lady_to_say_the/
%
I flushed my fish down the toilet so he could die as he lived.

With me treating him like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vprf2/i_flushed_my_fish_down_the_toilet_so_he_could_die/
%
What did Indian say to mum when he left?

Mumbai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpopv/what_did_indian_say_to_mum_when_he_left/
%
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister

It tastes the same but it's just not right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpofy/drinking_nonalcoholic_beer_is_like_going_down_on/
%
Say what you will about Kurt Cobain

But he was certainly very open-minded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpoen/say_what_you_will_about_kurt_cobain/
%
What do you call a T-rex with a sore ass?

tyrannosoreass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpnff/what_do_you_call_a_trex_with_a_sore_ass/
%
The bear ,the rabbit and the frog

A big brown bear is hunting a wild rabbit in a forest. The bear has been running behind the rabbit for a while and his starting to be kind of fed up.
Then, out of nowhere, a frog fall out of the sky, and land in front of the running rabbit forcing both of them to stop. Then the frog said:
-"I'm a magic frog, i can grant you guys 3 wishes each."
The bear move forward , dont even pays attention to the rabbit, and says:
-"hell, this is a great opportunity. Im going first! I wish i was the only male of this forest. So i'll have all the women for myself!"
-"Alright" says the frog, "What about you little rabbit?"
With a discrete voice, the rabbit quietly ask:
-"i'd like a small red dirt bike please"
The frog grant the wish, and the laught at the rabbit and says:
-"hahahahahha, how to waist a wish. Good job dumb dumb.For my Second wish, i'd like to be the only male of the fucking country, and have all the female for myself! Because the forest is not big enough for me."
The frog grant the wish, and the rabbit quietly aks:
-"i'd like a small helmet that match my dirtbike please."
The rabbit gets his small helmet, and start putting it on and getting ready.
The bear , focussing on his Wishes , start screaming:
-"DAMMIT, the country is not big enough, for my third and last wish, i would like to be the only male in the WORLD! And have all the ladies for myself."
And just like that he was the last bear male on the planet.
Then the frog ask the rabbit:
-"What do you wish, for your last one?"
The rabbit, start his dirtbike engine, and accelerate and says while flipping off the bear:
-"I wish my bear friend was gay!!!"
And the rabbit drove away in a second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpl6d/the_bear_the_rabbit_and_the_frog/
%
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.

After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor? (Check the Comments.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpiij/once_upon_a_time_a_perfect_man_and_a_perfect/
%
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.

Set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpg9r/give_a_man_a_fire_hes_warm_for_a_day/
%
A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy walk into a bar...

The bartender says "Get the fuck out of here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpfoe/a_mexican_a_jew_and_a_colored_guy_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I told my dad to embrace his mistakes...

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
He cried.
Then he hugged me and my brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpetj/i_told_my_dad_to_embrace_his_mistakes/
%
Honest Mistake.

One night the heating in a hospital ward was accidentally turned off and as a result a few patients suffered hypothermia and ended up in intensive care. The next day..........
Head Nurse: Why did no one realise that the patients were freezing?, the people in the ward were old and infirm, they weren't able to seek out help, so someone should have kept an eye on them.
Ward Nurse: It was an honest mistake madam, I looked in on them  from outside through the window and I didn't realise anything was wrong.
Head Nurse: Did you not see the poor people shivering in the room?
Ward Nurse: I did see that madam but I didn't realise they were cold, It was after all the Parkinson's unit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpdj0/honest_mistake/
%
I used to be a banker.....

But then I lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vpaoc/i_used_to_be_a_banker/
%
What's the difference between boy scouts and Jews?

Boy scouts come back from the camp alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vp9kf/whats_the_difference_between_boy_scouts_and_jews/
%
Spanking your monkey!

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vp8yv/spanking_your_monkey/
%
What's the difference between telling a joke and having sex?

Really, I am a virgin and I need to know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vp8id/whats_the_difference_between_telling_a_joke_and/
%
I got fired from my job simply for telling this girl I work with that her hair smelled nice.

Do you think they might have been discriminating against me because I'm a midget?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vp8dm/i_got_fired_from_my_job_simply_for_telling_this/
%
I met a homeless man, named Rich.

He wasn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vp6ad/i_met_a_homeless_man_named_rich/
%
My dad couldn't quite grasp the concept of noise-cancelling headphones

Me: You put them on and you can't hear anything.
Him: Well then what's the point?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vp69q/my_dad_couldnt_quite_grasp_the_concept_of/
%
Give a man a cheeseburger, you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to cheeseburglar, you feed him for life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vp4x8/give_a_man_a_cheeseburger_you_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to his bullies?

An ambulance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vp3nk/what_do_you_call_a_boy_who_finally_stood_up_to/
%
The 2018 STAR WARS movie isn't part of a trilogy...

...it's a Solo film

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vp2f5/the_2018_star_wars_movie_isnt_part_of_a_trilogy/
%
Every conversation I have with my wife starts with her saying

"Did you hear anything I said in the last 10 minutes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vp21b/every_conversation_i_have_with_my_wife_starts/
%
"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5voxfu/daddy_how_do_stars_die/
%
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5voqs0/i_met_a_14_year_old_girl_on_the_internet/
%
Teslas don't have that new car smell

They have kind of a musk to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5voqqo/teslas_dont_have_that_new_car_smell/
%
a man and harambe walk in to a bar

bartender: what will you fine gentleman have?
harambe: scotch
man: no, you'll have ice
bartender: just ice?
man: yes, justice for harambe﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5voj2a/a_man_and_harambe_walk_in_to_a_bar/
%
Last-minute thinking

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or none at all was:
"Name seven advantages of mother's milk."
One student in particular had partied the night before, and was hard put to think of 7 advantages.
He wrote:
1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature
5. It is inexpensive.
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
And then, the student was stuck.
Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test was rang, he wrote:
7. It comes in cute containers.
He was the only student to ace the exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vogfg/lastminute_thinking/
%
Pretty women sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5voc31/pretty_women_sneezes/
%
Where did Mario meet the Princess?

Nintinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vo918/where_did_mario_meet_the_princess/
%
10 years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vo8ln/10_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_out_on/
%
I knew my new girlfriend was a slut when

we were having sex. I asked her if she wanted to be on top or underneath, and she replied "in the middle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vo6og/i_knew_my_new_girlfriend_was_a_slut_when/
%
A chinaman goes to see his optometrist

and the doctor says, "Well sir, I think I see you're problem, you seem to have a cataract." The patient replies, "No, you're wrong, I drive a Rincoln Continentu."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vo606/a_chinaman_goes_to_see_his_optometrist/
%
What do they give tickle-me-elmo, before putting him on shelves?

Test tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vo2yx/what_do_they_give_ticklemeelmo_before_putting_him/
%
Usually, "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" are used synonymously...

But I wouldn't recommend it at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vo1nn/usually_im_sorry_and_i_apologise_are_used/
%
I hate how everyone keeps saying America is the stupidest country in the world...

You know what I think? Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vo1mz/i_hate_how_everyone_keeps_saying_america_is_the/
%
There were two old ladies sitting on a park bench

when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
The first old lady had a stroke,
but the second old lady couldn't reach it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vo0ey/there_were_two_old_ladies_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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Two men are on opposite sides of a river.

The first man shouts to the second :
"How do i get to the other side of the river"
The second man shouts back :
"You are on the other side of the river."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vnzmv/two_men_are_on_opposite_sides_of_a_river/
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A cook I work with spent all day making sausage puns

It was the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vnvp0/a_cook_i_work_with_spent_all_day_making_sausage/
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Who is this Rorschach guy?!

And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vnv98/who_is_this_rorschach_guy/
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Guy is sitting at a bar.

So he's on his 7th glass of scotch and barfs oll over himself.
"What am I gonna do?" He says to the bartender, "my wife's gonna kill meh."
Bartender says, "I've got an idea but ya gotta do extly what I say."
Drunker nods.
Bartender tucks a ten in his front pocket and says, "Alright, here's ten bucks, tell your wife a drunker barfed on ya and gave you that bill to clean it up."
Overwhelmed with excitement he yells, "That's a brilliant idea!"
So the drunker takes a trip home, gets to the front door with some tictacs in use, and walks in.
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! AND WHY IS THERE BARF ALL OVER YOU? ARE YOU DRUNK??!" explodes the wife as he walks in.
The drunker simply waves it off with a smile and says, "No no dear, a homeless man barfed on me on my way out off the market. He even offered to pay for it with ten bucks." He taps his shirt pocket.
The wife pulls a 20 out of his pocket and questioned, "Then why is there a twenty bill in here?"
The drunker exclaims, "Oh yeah! He shit my pants too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vnv4l/guy_is_sitting_at_a_bar/
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Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

OsMoses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vns21/who_led_the_jews_across_a_semipermeable_membrane/
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What do you call cleavage on a girl with implants?

Silicon valley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vnp1d/what_do_you_call_cleavage_on_a_girl_with_implants/
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What do you call a mediocre civilization?

A So-society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vnmzl/what_do_you_call_a_mediocre_civilization/
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I spent my Google Rewards on a video of Caitlyn Jenner

It was definitely worth the transaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vnlrn/i_spent_my_google_rewards_on_a_video_of_caitlyn/
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I know how batteries feel

because I'm often not included.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vnl32/i_know_how_batteries_feel/
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what did the maxi pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vnke5/what_did_the_maxi_pad_say_to_the_fart/
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
Sure, they said, you’re welcome.
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
I’m a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!” was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
“Sure, what do you want?”
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save ya a grand here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vnicc/two_old_friends_were_just_about_to_tee_off_at_the/
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A woman and her two snot nosed screaming kids walk into Walmart.

She's still wearing her pajamas and her hair looks like it hasn't been combed in days.
She is screaming and cussing at her kids when she is approached by an old man working as a door greeter.
The greeter says "what lovely kids, are they twins"?
The woman replies "are you blind or just dumb? They are two years apart and look not a damn thing alike."
The man grins and says "No I just can't believe someone had sex with you twice"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vnhwq/a_woman_and_her_two_snot_nosed_screaming_kids/
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NSFW - What is the difference between a warehouse and a whorehouse?

One is stuffed with boxes, the other is where boxes get stuffed.
What do they have in common?
They both happily take your money so you can drop a load.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vnfsd/nsfw_what_is_the_difference_between_a_warehouse/
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What's the stupidest animal in the jungle

The polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vnb97/whats_the_stupidest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To  the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've  even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom,  Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your  child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your  obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name,  Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got  up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy  has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick up Willy from school  and go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vn4j2/a_psychiatrist_was_conducting_a_group_therapy/
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What's the difference between a zit, and a Catholic priest?

The zit will wait until your twelve before it comes on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vn40v/whats_the_difference_between_a_zit_and_a_catholic/
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My grandmother was a cancer, ironic how she died.

She was killed by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vn38l/my_grandmother_was_a_cancer_ironic_how_she_died/
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It’s a really obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vn30e/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What do you do when a sink walks up to your house?

Let that sink in....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vmywt/what_do_you_do_when_a_sink_walks_up_to_your_house/
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Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vmwe3/why_does_the_bar_association_prohibit_lawyers_and/
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Y'know man... In choir class,

We always get the pitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vmrtt/yknow_man_in_choir_class/
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A chicken farmer buys a new rooster. . .

And he's assured by his friend who sold it to him that he's the perfect breeder.
Feeling a little sceptical, the farmer still takes the rooster back to his farm. No sooner then putting the rooster is let out of his box then it runs into the barn and starts having sex with every hen it can find. It has sex with all 150 of the farmer's hens and the farmer is impressed with how virile it seems to be.
The next day, the farmer heads into the barn to see the rooster having sex with all the hens again, madly going at it. He's taken aback by this behaviour but figures it'll help ensure more fertilised eggs, so he lets the rooster keep at it.
He isn't worried until the following day when he catches the rooster having sex with all his ducks and geese and any other bird on the farm.
On the 3rd day of owning the rooster, the farmer walks out into the yard to find the rooster lying dead on the ground with vultures circling high above.
"Can't say that you don't deserve it, you horny little bastard," the farmer laments, as he goes to pick up the rooster's corpse.
Just then, the rooster opens an eye and says: "Go away! They're about to land!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vmqrk/a_chicken_farmer_buys_a_new_rooster/
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How many sup bros does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's already lit fam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vmq3m/how_many_sup_bros_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Why did Barack Obama get 2 terms?

Because black people always get a "longer sentence"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vmlfc/why_did_barack_obama_get_2_terms/
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Was denied entry to a fancy club for improper attire.

Bouncer is all like you need a jacket and tie to get in here bud. I know I've got a jacket in the car but no tie.Putting on the jacket I notice my nice new pair of jumper cables so I think ah what the hell and tie them around my neck.Go back up to the doors ask if I can go in now? Bouncer looks me up and down and replies, Ok you can go in now but don't start anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vmjx5/was_denied_entry_to_a_fancy_club_for_improper/
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What's the square root of 69?

Ate something...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vmheu/whats_the_square_root_of_69/
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I was on this plane once...

I'm sitting there and the captain gets on the mic, does his whole "we will be flying at 35000 feet".. He puts the mic down but forgets to turn it off. So he turns to the co-pilot and says "You know all i could use right now is a blowjob and a fuckin cup of coffee..."
So the stewardess goes bombing up from the back of the plane to tell him the microphone is still on. This guy at the back of the plane yells "Hey hun, don't forget the coffee"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vmgke/i_was_on_this_plane_once/
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Got Aids

This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks "You haven't got aids have you?" He replies "No" she responds "Oh, thank fuck for that! I don't want to get that again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vmfzj/got_aids/
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Dang girl are you a zero percent APR loan?

cuz I don't understand your terms and conditions and you keep saying you have no interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vmc5j/dang_girl_are_you_a_zero_percent_apr_loan/
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Where do you get virgin wool from?

Ugly Sheep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vmblh/where_do_you_get_virgin_wool_from/
%
What do you call a dog in the Navy?

A sub woofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vmblg/what_do_you_call_a_dog_in_the_navy/
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What's the difference between an ISIS training camp and a Pakistani school

I don't know man, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vm4sv/whats_the_difference_between_an_isis_training/
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There are two old men at a nursing home

One of them turns to the other and asks "Do you wear boxers or briefs?"
The other man responds "Depends"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vm2qs/there_are_two_old_men_at_a_nursing_home/
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How does JFK clear his head?

He goes for a car ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vm2iv/how_does_jfk_clear_his_head/
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My friend H+ is very reactive...

I always have to keep an ion him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vm0gu/my_friend_h_is_very_reactive/
%
Give a man a cheeseburger, you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to cheeseburger, I'm high as hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vlyrw/give_a_man_a_cheeseburger_you_feed_him_for_a_day/
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Tramps holiday

Possibly my favourite joke of all time.
A long read, but worth the journey if you can spare the time...
There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.
Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."
"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."
"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.
"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."
"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...
... and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"Okay," agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...
up and up...
below him the ship grew smaller...
on and on...
past a solitary albatross...
and still higher...
till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...
and on still further...
/ till the ocean grew dim...
and the earth itself...
began to shrink...
past our moon...
and on...
and Mars...
and on...
higher, and higher...
through the asteroid belt...
and on and on towards the diving board...
past the outer planets, until...
on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...
he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...
and then...
.' '. . . . . he jumped. . . . . : Slowly at first, : but speeding up, : : : faster, and faster, : speeding past Pluto, : and the other outer planets, . . . . .
.
.
.
.
through the asteroid belt,
past Mars,
and the moon,
faster,
and faster,
faster - ever faster,
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster,
past the albatross,
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL.........
SMASH!
Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen."
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see...
I'm a just poor tramp...
so you must understand...
I've been through many a hard ship in my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vlvsc/tramps_holiday/
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Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vlula/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
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A little hump day fun

I made a humorous observation about fornicating.
it's a fucking joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vlqxs/a_little_hump_day_fun/
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What do you call a 70s cookie band?

OREO Speedwagon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vlpm8/what_do_you_call_a_70s_cookie_band/
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What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vlp23/what_do_pink_floyd_and_dale_earnhardt_have_in/
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My son's joke

What do you get when you step on a potato bug?
A mashed potato bug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vlmrc/my_sons_joke/
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I found somewhere with 99.1% recycling rate

/r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vll99/i_found_somewhere_with_991_recycling_rate/
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Good smelling hair NSFW

A man mentions to a coworker that her hair smells nice today.
The woman suddenly grows enraged, and storms into her supervisor's office and loudly declares that she is quitting and she decided to file a sexual harassment suit.
"Come on, what's wrong with they guys smelling your hair" says the supervisor.
"HE IS A FUCKING MIDGET!!" Says the woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vljfy/good_smelling_hair_nsfw/
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How do you compare a redneck and a sandwich?

They're both in-bread...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vlfa8/how_do_you_compare_a_redneck_and_a_sandwich/
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Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered  "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered -  "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vlev9/kim_jongun_and_donald_trump/
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I just got fired from my job in Museum

They said they're not happy with my work here, which is ridiculous, i only worked here for 2 days and already sold 2 picassos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vlesl/i_just_got_fired_from_my_job_in_museum/
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My first time having sex was like a 100m sprint..

There were 8 black guys and a gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vldwj/my_first_time_having_sex_was_like_a_100m_sprint/
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I just farted so hard that blood came out

of the person behind me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vldnh/i_just_farted_so_hard_that_blood_came_out/
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A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq

are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One British Para is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Para is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: "One Para is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."
Thought this was good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vlbdc/a_large_group_of_isis_fighters_in_iraq/
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What do I use to brighten my mood when it's dark?

A fleshlight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vlb4k/what_do_i_use_to_brighten_my_mood_when_its_dark/
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A priest, a nun and a sailor walks into a bar

The bartender says: "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vl9k8/a_priest_a_nun_and_a_sailor_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do you start a rave in Africa?

You glue a piece of bread to the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vl7m8/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_africa/
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What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vl43k/what_do_you_call_a_french_man_wearing_sandals/
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Every time I see a "Feel the Bern" sticker

I want to ask if they feel it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vl3xy/every_time_i_see_a_feel_the_bern_sticker/
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what do you call a young woman dating an older rich man?

Investment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vl32d/what_do_you_call_a_young_woman_dating_an_older/
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There are 3 men in a boat and 4 cigarettes, however they don't own a lighter. How do they smoke?

They throw one cigarette over board in order to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vl1zi/there_are_3_men_in_a_boat_and_4_cigarettes/
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A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home,

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vl1sm/a_senior_citizen_called_her_husband_during_his/
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Why doesn't smokey the bear have any kids?

Because Everytime his wife gets hot, he beats her with a shovel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vkyrj/why_doesnt_smokey_the_bear_have_any_kids/
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If you had purchased

$1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received a $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vkygu/if_you_had_purchased/
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Wife told me to stop using large words I don't understand

I just think she's over-ejaculating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vkvzr/wife_told_me_to_stop_using_large_words_i_dont/
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Husband's and Wife's diaries......

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought Bob was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late
for our "date."
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that
I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it.So I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed,but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;
He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to
worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I loveyou, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vkvxd/husbands_and_wifes_diaries/
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I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vkti7/i_took_the_shell_off_my_racing_snail_thinking_it/
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Wanna hear a ghost joke?

Yeah?
That's the spirit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vktfs/wanna_hear_a_ghost_joke/
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Donald Trump just added the 51st State of the USA

the state of "PANIC"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vkq9n/donald_trump_just_added_the_51st_state_of_the_usa/
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Sex like you are 50 years younger!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,”Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vkp9u/sex_like_you_are_50_years_younger/
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Pavlov's dog

Pavlov is sitting down. His phone rings. He stands and says, "I forgot to feed my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vkko8/pavlovs_dog/
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Why are the Pro Football Hall of Fame and the Cleveland Browns in the same state?

To keep all the busts in one place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vkk4l/why_are_the_pro_football_hall_of_fame_and_the/
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A wife asked asked a programmer, “Do you want to have sex OR watch a movie?”

The programmer said, “Yes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vkiq5/a_wife_asked_asked_a_programmer_do_you_want_to/
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[Long] Tom was having increasingly bad headaches as he got older...

He was told by his doctor that he had an ailment that made his testicles press up against his spine, which caused him very painful headaches; more pain than he was able to endure.  After many referrals, it was concluded that castration would be the only way to cure him.  After his surgery, he was frustrated and depressed.  While cured of his problem, he no longer felt whole.  In his depressed state, he wandered by a store with a large sign in front: "Our suits will fit you perfectly or it's free!"  Figuring he had nothing to lose, maybe a new suit would be the thing to perk him back up.
The owner and tailor, an older gentleman named Fabricio, welcomed him into the store.
"I'd like a new suit, please." Tom said. "And is it true if it doesn't fit perfectly it will be free?
"Of course, sir, guaranteed!"  Fabricio gleefully exclaimed.  "I'll start with your jacket.  Let's see... I'm thinking that you are a 42 long."
Surprised, Tom said, "That's right!"  Fabricio handed him a brand new jacket and what do you know, it fit perfectly.  His confidence growing, Tom asked for a new shirt to go with it.
Fabricio stepped back and looked at him carefully.  "Let's see... 34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck."  Fabricio opened a cabinet and pulled out a beautiful shirt with those exact specifications and handed it to Tom.  Eagerly, Tom put the shirt on and felt his pride swell.  Not only fit perfectly, but it was the most flattering thing he had ever worn.
"Wow!" Tom exclaimed.  "This is fantastic!  How about some new shoes?"
"Very good, sir!  And you are..." Fabricio stepped back, focus on his face, "A size 10, wide width."  Fabricio left but returned as quickly as he had gone, bringing back a shiny and beautiful pair of dress shoes.
Tom stepped in them and felt like he was standing on a cloud.  "I am blown away with how talented you are!  How about some new underwear?"
"Right away sir!" Fabricio stepped back, took a moment, and then said, "Size 36!"
This was Tom's chance. "Actually, I'm a size 32.  Looks like you owe me a free suit!"
Fabricio was stunned.  "Oh, no, no, no, sir.  Not for you.  If you wore underwear that size, it would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vkfsq/long_tom_was_having_increasingly_bad_headaches_as/
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A man steps into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude.

It's just the two of 'em, so he says "Hi" so as not to be rude.
The big guy looks down and says "I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds,
got a 20-inch dick and 3 balls... Turner Brown."
The small guy stares for a moment, then passes out.
The big dude picks him up and lightly slaps him around,
saying "Wake up! You ok? What's wrong little dude?"
The small guy says, "Repeat what you just said, would you?"
The big guy looks down and says "I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds,
got a 20-inch dick and 3 balls... Turner Brown."
"Ah!" the little man said, "I thought you said 'Turn around'."
They both laughed about it, until the raping started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vkdxn/a_man_steps_into_an_elevator_looks_up_and_notices/
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What's an Ethiopian's favorite book?

"My Life And Other Short Stories"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vkdo6/whats_an_ethiopians_favorite_book/
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Little Red Riding Hood is hopping along merrily in the woods...

... when she sees the big bad wolf crouching behind a bush. She says "My,  Mr Wolf, what big ears you have!"
The big bad wolf gets up and runs away.
A few minutes later, it's the big, bad wolf again, crouched behind a different bush. "My, Mr wolf, what big eyes you have!"
The big, bad wolf gets up and runs away again.
And 5 minutes later, there he is again! "My,  Mr wolf, what big teeth do you have!"
This time though, the wolf doesn't run. He gets up, visibly irritated, and snarls at li'l miss Hood: "Give me a break, young lady. Can't a guy just take a dump in peace anymore?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vkafp/little_red_riding_hood_is_hopping_along_merrily/
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I was pulled over by the police today, so I whipped out my nine millimetre...

After they stopped laughing, they arrested me for indecent exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vk9a4/i_was_pulled_over_by_the_police_today_so_i/
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How did Helen Keller lose her right arm?

She was trying to read the speed limit sign on the highway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vk8aw/how_did_helen_keller_lose_her_right_arm/
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What do you call a pencil in the toilet?

A Number 2 Pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vk753/what_do_you_call_a_pencil_in_the_toilet/
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The new pastor's house call

A new pastor moved into a town,
and he went out one day to visit
his parishioners. All went well until
he came upon this one house.
It was obvious that someone was
home, but no one came to the door
even after he had knocked several times.
Finally he took out his card, wrote on
the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it
on the back of the door.
Revelation 3:20:
"Behold, I stand at the door,
and knock: if any man hear my voice,
and open the door, I will come in to him,
and will dine with him, and he with me."
Later in the week, as he was counting
the offering, he found his card
in the collection plate
Below his message was the notation
"Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible, he checked the verse.
Genesis 3:10: "And he said, I heard thy voice
in the garden, and I was afraid, because
I was naked: so I hid myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vk6ov/the_new_pastors_house_call/
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Why does Hellen Keller use one hand to masturbate?

So she can moan with the other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vk2rm/why_does_hellen_keller_use_one_hand_to_masturbate/
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A Black man dies and goes to heaven...

A man named John dies and awakens at the gates of heaven. He is promptly judged as worthy and let in. John is led to his old childhood home and sees his wife waiting for him on the front porch, looking as beautiful as the day he met her. He's delighted to see her and they embrace.
So they spend the next few weeks frolicking though heaven, meeting the many other residents, and exploring. Then, John notices something weird. Other people seem to see things differently. For instance, his wife sees all the flowers he gives her as roses, her favorites. Or how a new vegan friend commented on how happy he was that there was no meat in heaven, while John had a burger the night before.
John eventually figures out that heaven would shift to suit the individual. Things they like would appear and things they didn't would appear differently. He shares the hypothesis with his wife, who tells him she'd figured the same thing.
Soon after this discovery, John and his wife are walking and they get separated. He sets off to find her and stumbles upon a massive wall. He tries to find an opening but it's just a big circle with no entrance. He's so curious that he decides to scale it. When he gets to the top, John sees what looks to be just another part of heaven. As he's about to go over, a hand grabs him by the ankle and pulls him back outside the wall.
He turns to his wife, who grabbed him, and asks her why.
She shushes him and says, "Don't do that! The Mormons don't know anyone else is here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vk1wi/a_black_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vjsyd/according_to_national_geographic_80_of_us_adults/
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I like my women like I like my golf game.

Mid 80's with a slight handicap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vjquc/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_golf_game/
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My first three wives...

"The first two ate poisonous mushrooms.
The third one took a shot to the head."
"Oh my lord" my friend says, "that is awful, who shot her?"
"I did," I say,
"She wasn't eating the poisonous mushrooms"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vjolx/my_first_three_wives/
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What's the difference between a good joke and

a bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vjnkh/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
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Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind man.

Today, I got fired from my job. Its not easy being a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vjmic/yesterday_i_gave_up_my_seat_on_the_bus_for_a/
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I almost accepted a job as a museum historian

but then I realized there's no future in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vjm51/i_almost_accepted_a_job_as_a_museum_historian/
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What's the difference between England and America?

In England, you drive manual. In America, Manuel drives you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vjkb8/whats_the_difference_between_england_and_america/
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It's really fascinating that I've been able to see language evolve over just a couple generations. For example, what they used to call a chesterfield we now call a couch, what they used to call a veranda we now call a porch, and what they used to call a joke we now call

a president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vjifp/its_really_fascinating_that_ive_been_able_to_see/
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A englishman, frenchman and pollock are on safari........

In the deepest, darkest pits of the african jungles. They are sitting at camp when suddenly they are attacked by cannibals, beaten, tied and taken back to their village.
They awaken all tied to trees and the cannibal leader walks up to the englishman and says "Were going to skin you alive, eat you, kill you and make your skin into a canoe. Do you have any last requests?" and the englishman asks for a knife and they hand it to him and he holds the knife up to his own neck and says "God save the queen" and cuts his own throat to avoid what is coming.
The cannibal leader walks up to the frenchman and says "Were going to skin you alive, eat you, kill you and make your skin into a canoe. Do you have any last requests?" and the frenchman asks for a knife and they hand it to him and he holds the knife up to his own neck and says "Viva la france!" and cuts his own throat to avoid what is coming.
The cannibal leader walks up to the pollock and says "Were going to skin you alive, eat you, kill you and make your skin into a canoe. Do you have any last requests?" and the pollock asks for a fork and they hand it to him and he starts stabbing himself allover his stomach, chest, arms and legs and yells "Fuck your canoe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vji6f/a_englishman_frenchman_and_pollock_are_on_safari/
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The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq

They call it the Sims
Note: this technically a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vjge5/the_new_call_of_duty_just_got_released_in_iraq/
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A depressed man walks into a bar...

A man, suffering his worst day ever, walks into a bar.  The Bartender immediately notices the man is downtrodden and says, "What's wrong, man?"
The man explains, "Today has just been the worst.  I got fired from my job, and since i came home early, I found my wife cheating on me with my brother.  While we were arguing, he said he came over to tell me our father had died, and it just happened.  I was so furious I stormed out and came here.  Give me a beer."
The bartender gives the man a beer and he takes it and walks to the jukebox.  He was surprised, however, when he noticed next to the jukebox was a glass box, locked and chained up, containing $1 Million dollars.
"Bartender," the man asked, "What's this $1 million dollars for?"
"Oh, that's for whoever can complete our three impossible bar challenges." the bartender said while cleaning a glass.
"What are the challenges?"
"Well," the bartender set the glass down, "First, you gotta hop in the ring with Mike Tyson and survive for 10 rounds.  Second, you gotta go in that back room there, and pull the decaying tooth out of the mouth of a rabid honey badger.  Third, you gotta go upstairs and have sex with my 90 year old grandmother because she's on her deathbed and, frankly, she could use it."
The man thinks about it for a minute, downs his beer, and says, "I'll do it, let's go."
They go out back and waiting in a boxing ring is Mike Tyson throwing thunderous lefts and rights.  The man takes a deep gulp and starts to second guess himself, but before he realizes it, he's got gloves on and he's in the ring.  Tyson is just toying with him early, but in the third round, the man gets an idea.
"Mike, your shoe is untied."
"Huh?" Tyson looks down at his boots and WHAM!  The man hits him with an uppercut and knocks him out cold.
The bartender clapped loudly.  "Congratulations!  You're the first person to past the first test!  Now, on to the Honey Badger!"
The bartender leads the man to a room off to the side of the bar and opens the door.  Strapped to the bench is a honey badgers flailing and screeching and foaming at the mouth.  The bartender slaps the man on the shoulder and says, "Good luck." as he shuts the door behind him and returns to his bar.
From the room, the bartender hears the man screaming and yelling in pain, and the honey badger howling and screeching for a good 10 minutes before finally there's silence.  The man emerges from the room covered in scratches and bleeding, but with a huge smile on his face.
"Alright," he said, "Where's your grandmother who needs her tooth pulled?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vjdq7/a_depressed_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do you know Republicans are bisexuals?

Because they fuck everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vja21/how_do_you_know_republicans_are_bisexuals/
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A farmer gets a letter

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.
"Dear Ronald J. Kse,
This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.
Thanks, your neighbors"
Now, Ronald had really enjoyed last year's party, so he was delighted to be the host for this year.
After a grand day of eating, drinking, and merrymaking, All of Ronald's neighbors left - without helping clean up.
"That's fine, its just one party, and I've done the same other years" said Ron.
Fast forward the next year, Ron was looking forward to this year's harvest, and the celebration that would follow.
After attending this year's anonymous vote, he gets another letter in the mail.
"Dear Mr. Kse,
After the amazing time everyone had last year, the vote was decided again for you to be the host! We look forward to seeing you again, and thank you."
Ron sighs, but thinks "Yeah, last year's party was pretty great. I guess the cleanup wasn't too bad. No worries."
Again, he gathered with his neighbors, and they feasted and drank themselves silly... but there were twice as many people this year. Friends, family, friends of family were all invited...
The cleanup was far worse this year. "But," Ron thought, "there's no way I'll get it three years in a row."
Next year, Ron's sister was visiting, and went with him to check the mail. She handed him a very lavish envelope, garnished with golden filigree and laden with caligraphy.
She exclaimed "Wow! This is beautiful! It must be something very wonderful and important!"
"No... I've seen this before... It's another fucking reap host..." said R. Joe Kse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vja1e/a_farmer_gets_a_letter/
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Whiteboards are the best...

In fact you could say they're remarkable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vj9yq/whiteboards_are_the_best/
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What do you call a counterfeit turd?

Shampoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vj74f/what_do_you_call_a_counterfeit_turd/
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Social services are talking to a recneck woman about her ten kids...

Social service guy: "ok miss, what's the first boy called?"
Recneck woman: "Billy-Joe"
SS guy: "and the second one?"
RW: "Billy-Joe"
The SS guy pauses for a second and asks "What's the third child called?"
RW: "Billy-Joe"
Ss guy: "hold on... Are ALL your boys caked Billy-Joe?"
RW: "They sure are."
SS: "doesn't that get confusing"
RW: "Naw, it helps. If I want the house clean I say "Billy-Joe clean up!" And they ALL clean up. At tea time I shout "Billy-Joe, food time" and they all come running."
SS guy: "but what if you need one specific boy?"
RW: "That's easy... I shout their surname."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vj6qh/social_services_are_talking_to_a_recneck_woman/
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Why are dark jokes like children with cancer?

Because they never grow old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vj5gx/why_are_dark_jokes_like_children_with_cancer/
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I'm pretty sure my next door neighbor thinks I'm a stalker.

She wrote it on Facebook,Twitter, and in both of her diaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vj2l3/im_pretty_sure_my_next_door_neighbor_thinks_im_a/
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Radical Muslims

I'm really hoping this thread blows up now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vj2i9/radical_muslims/
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Doing your homework prevents embarrassment.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, indignant, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn't do your homework; and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vj2fl/doing_your_homework_prevents_embarrassment/
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What did the left butt cheek tell the right one..?

If we stick together, we can stop this shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vj1ov/what_did_the_left_butt_cheek_tell_the_right_one/
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Physics saves lives

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vj0yw/physics_saves_lives/
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Where do artists go to truly become great?

The obituaries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vizoz/where_do_artists_go_to_truly_become_great/
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As a hunchback, I didn't think a Chiropractor would be able to help....

But I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vizmk/as_a_hunchback_i_didnt_think_a_chiropractor_would/
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Kid vs barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vizj0/kid_vs_barber/
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Why are jokes like frogs?

You can dissect them and explain why they work, but then they don't work anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5viz65/why_are_jokes_like_frogs/
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Dorm Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5viwr1/dorm_rules/
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Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike
I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vivjo/why_did_the_match_factory_burn_down/
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I got a hard on at my wifes funeral

Guess you could say I had mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5viuro/i_got_a_hard_on_at_my_wifes_funeral/
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Your son is a little slow...

My son was having trouble in school so I took him to a doctor to see if he was ok. The doctor calls me a few days later "sir it seems your son is a little slow." I ask him what could be done. So I turned down his graphics now he's really fast but dear god is he ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vitr2/your_son_is_a_little_slow/
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Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium,

BATMAN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vit5f/sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium_sodium/
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My girlfriend broke up with me on Twitter.

I hope she tweets him better than she tweeted me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5viqbe/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_on_twitter/
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An ego and a superego walk into a bar.

The bartender says "I'll have to see some id"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5viosz/an_ego_and_a_superego_walk_into_a_bar/
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Pokémon Go is more popular than Tinder.

Another app which requires you to swipe to find monsters in your surroundings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vimpi/pokémon_go_is_more_popular_than_tinder/
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"Mickey Mouse, it says you want to divorce Minnie because

she was extremely silly?????"
"No, I said, she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vifdk/mickey_mouse_it_says_you_want_to_divorce_minnie/
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What do you call a 13 year old girl from Alabama who can outrun her whole family

A virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vid74/what_do_you_call_a_13_year_old_girl_from_alabama/
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Did you hear about the boolean argument?

There are two sides but they say only 1 is true.
^^^^^^^^^^^^hurt
^^^^^^^^^^^^me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vicc5/did_you_hear_about_the_boolean_argument/
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Man Vs Gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.
Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?
Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.
!'
Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.
'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do;
men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'
Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.'
The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to Break free from the enclosure.
Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, lift your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!'
The woman lifts her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.
The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!'
Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache or that you're not in mood ... Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vic5x/man_vs_gorilla/
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How is a church like a laser gun?

Pew! Pew! Pew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vi9ur/how_is_a_church_like_a_laser_gun/
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I once asked a New Zealander how many girlfriends he's had.

But he fell asleep while counting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vi8aa/i_once_asked_a_new_zealander_how_many_girlfriends/
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A blonde was desperate for money....

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.
At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. ‘Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?’
'Sure,’ smiled the blonde, 'I’ll do it for $100.’
'Great,’ the man replied. 'You’ll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.’
The man went back into the house to his wife, who’d been listening. 'A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?’ asked the wife.
'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!’ he said.
About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. 'I’m all done,’ she reported.
The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?’
'Yeah,’ the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!’
The man reached into his wallet to pay her.
'And by the way,’ said the blonde, 'that’s not a Porsche. It’s a Ferrari.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vi676/a_blonde_was_desperate_for_money/
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A lawyer gets pulled over for speeding in Chicago

Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Lawyer: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see y our license please?
Lawyer: I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Lawyer: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Lawyer: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner.
Officer: You what?
Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail.
The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle.
Lawyer: Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.
Lawyer: Killed the owner?
Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?
Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.
The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.
Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vi2n2/a_lawyer_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding_in_chicago/
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I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places

He told me to stop going to those places

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vi0a7/i_told_my_doctor_i_broke_my_arm_in_two_places/
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Yesterday a clown held a door open for me...

I thought it was a nice jester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhzmw/yesterday_a_clown_held_a_door_open_for_me/
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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar in Scotland and sits down beside an old man. They strike up a conversation and the old man says,
"Laddie, do ya see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with me own hands, but do they call me Angus the wallbuilder? No."
The guy nods appreciatively and the old man says,
"Do you ya see this bar here? I built this bar with me own hands, but do they call me Angus the bar builder? No sir."
The guy nods again and finally the old man says, "Arrgh...but ya fuck one sheep..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhze4/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China

The governor: Fine people... I don't know...
Xi: I will show you. Hey, you! Come here! What do you do?
Farmer: I'm a farmer.
Xi: Let me ask you. If you had two houses, would you give one to the government?
Without any hesitation, the farmer says yes. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced.
Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may ask a question and Xi says sure.
Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government?
Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask.
Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?
Farmer: I actually have two cows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhyk0/xi_went_to_guangxi_and_spoke_with_the_governor/
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Why did the tomato blush

He saw the salad dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhy4p/why_did_the_tomato_blush/
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Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.

I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhx2j/today_i_gave_up_my_seat_on_the_bus_to_a_blind/
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Husband and wife debate

A man and his wife are walking down the street when the wife turns to her husband and says “honey, I think it’s snowing” the man looks back at her and says “no it’s raining.”
To settle the debate between the two they ask the friendly redcoat standing at the end of the street. The redcoat, Rudolph tells them that it is in fact raining.
The husband turns to his wife and says “see, Rudolph the red knows rain dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhwo1/husband_and_wife_debate/
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An elderly couple is sitting in a diner...

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,”Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhvl9/an_elderly_couple_is_sitting_in_a_diner/
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My first school rugby game was a bit like the first time having sex..

I was sore and bloody at the end... But at least my dad came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhr96/my_first_school_rugby_game_was_a_bit_like_the/
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My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up.

After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
"thirty-second birthday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhqma/my_girlfriend_is_turning_32_years_oldive_told_her/
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Irish Joke

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a
big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips
her knickers off and says
'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhm6z/irish_joke/
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Kim Jong-un & Donald Trump

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered  "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered -  "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhkul/kim_jongun_donald_trump/
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhisb/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Because your face is fcuked up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhgah/did_it_hurt_when_you_fell_from_heaven/
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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear customer,
We are discontinuing your internet service due to suspicious activity/illegal downloading on your network.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhesa/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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often laugh

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhcyn/often_laugh/
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What is the correct way to pronounce Nihilism?

Doesn't matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vhct3/what_is_the_correct_way_to_pronounce_nihilism/
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I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

he said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vh49k/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_there/
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A part of a tree fell on my car!

Luckily, that leaf didn't do much damage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgw1y/a_part_of_a_tree_fell_on_my_car/
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Two kittens are sitting at the edge of a slide. Which falls first?

The one with the lower mu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgvhi/two_kittens_are_sitting_at_the_edge_of_a_slide/
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Space Fight

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered  "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered -  "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgv85/space_fight/
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What I do when I see someone extremely gorgeous

I stare, I smile, and when I get tired I slowly put the mirror down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vguhq/what_i_do_when_i_see_someone_extremely_gorgeous/
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What's better than a gold medal in the paralympics

Walking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgsaq/whats_better_than_a_gold_medal_in_the_paralympics/
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My psychiatrist says that I suffer from Xenophobia.

Must have caught it from some foreign bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgs3z/my_psychiatrist_says_that_i_suffer_from_xenophobia/
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Two wrong don't make a right...

But two Wrights do make an airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgqcq/two_wrong_dont_make_a_right/
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I just got in an argument with my grandpa about who's generation relies on electronics more

So, I pulled the plug on him.  Guess I won that argument

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgnqc/i_just_got_in_an_argument_with_my_grandpa_about/
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We’s sergeants now!

Two old boys from the Mountains, Leroy and Jasper, have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long afterward, they’re out for a walk and Leroy says, “Hey, Jasper, there’s the NCO Club; let’s you and me step in.”
“But we’s privates,” protests Jasper.
“We’s sergeants now,” says Leroy, pointing to his stripes and pulling him inside. “Now, Jasper, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”
“But we’s privates,” says Jasper.
“You blind, boy?” asks Leroy, pointing again at his stripes. “We’s sergeants now!”
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.
“You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of  gonorrhea.”
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy, is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
“Jasper,” he says, “what for’ you give me the okay?”
“Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates.”  Pointing to his stripes, he says, “But we’re Sergeants now!
Disclaimer: Joke's ain't from me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgmip/wes_sergeants_now/
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Got thrown out of the furniture shop

I got thrown out of a furniture shop today. I think the girl at the counter misunderstood when I said I wanted one nightstand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgmbh/got_thrown_out_of_the_furniture_shop/
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a girl

Guy: You're the most average girl here
Girl: You're so mean
Guy: No, you are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgm8j/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_girl/
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Why don't you tell jokes to girls on their periods?

Because they'll OVARY-act!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgge9/why_dont_you_tell_jokes_to_girls_on_their_periods/
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What do you call a black person that flies a plane?

A pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgfwu/what_do_you_call_a_black_person_that_flies_a_plane/
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I just took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a raging headache and was making me feel sick and dizzy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgd6e/i_just_took_the_batteries_out_of_my_carbon/
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What do you call an angry cow?

A feminist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgd0p/what_do_you_call_an_angry_cow/
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Milio Yiannopoulos is now an unemployed immigrant on a work visa.

Let's deport him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgc6c/milio_yiannopoulos_is_now_an_unemployed_immigrant/
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I think my family is racist...

when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vgadh/i_think_my_family_is_racist/
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I can't stand abortions

I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vg5wp/i_cant_stand_abortions/
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A husband was sipping his whiskey...

while sitting in the balcony with his wife and he says,
"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."
Wife asks, "Is that you, or the whisky talking?"
Husband replies,  "It's me..... talking to the whisky...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vg5ak/a_husband_was_sipping_his_whiskey/
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Officials suspect someone on a flight is a Russian spy

But all the passengers appear to be American tourists returning from abroad. One by one they are taken in for questioning.
"But I swear I'm an American citizen!" the last passenger protests.
"It's a simple test," the official tells him. "Just read what's written on this card."
"It says 'Donald Trump is a great man, and the smartest, most well spoken, most handsome president we've ever had."
The official jumps to his feet. "Arrest him! He's the spy!"
"Nyet! What gave me away? Was it my pronunciation? I was sure my accent was perfect!"
The official smiled. "None of the real Americans could read the card without laughing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vg4j7/officials_suspect_someone_on_a_flight_is_a/
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Why are drummer jokes so short?

So the bassist can understand them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vg429/why_are_drummer_jokes_so_short/
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Procrastination finally caught up to me and I faced the consequences

I'll tell you all about it later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vg36e/procrastination_finally_caught_up_to_me_and_i/
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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

Because they always take things literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vg2n4/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar.
Edit (back story): the origin of this joke came from a road trip back when I was in highschool (about 17 years ago). My buddy left the car door open and the dash displayed "the door is ajar". He thought it was funny, since we're use to seeing the "door open" icon and wouldn't stop telling the joke.
Not surprised it's been heard / told before but just happen to never hear it from any other source.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vg2mb/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
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I forgot to go to the gym today

That makes it 8 years in a row.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vg1iq/i_forgot_to_go_to_the_gym_today/
%
My girlfriend is like Bigfoot

She hasn't been found yet but I have faith she's still out there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vfx95/my_girlfriend_is_like_bigfoot/
%
Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the fuck out of the dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vfwuv/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
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What do you call a row of rabbits moving backwards?

A receding hare line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vfwnr/what_do_you_call_a_row_of_rabbits_moving_backwards/
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A blind man walks into a store with his dog.

He picks the dog up and starts spinning it around by the leash.
One of the clerks runs up and asks if he needs help and what the hell does he think he's doing.
No thanks say's the blind man, I,m just having a look around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vfspm/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_store_with_his_dog/
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I didn't choose the 4.0 GPA life....

Unfortunately it didn't choose me either :|

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vfqhs/i_didnt_choose_the_40_gpa_life/
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To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vfmac/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
How did copper wire get invented

2 Jews fighting over a penny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vfi42/how_did_copper_wire_get_invented/
%
A kid walks into a bar...

A man told the kid, "I did your mom last night."
The kid said, "Alright dad, its time to go home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vfc3q/a_kid_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a farting hooker?

A prosti-toot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vfamj/what_do_you_call_a_farting_hooker/
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An animal rights advocate got really upset with me after I told them that I wash my dog with my own shampoo instead of pet shampoo...

...I reassured her that it had already been tested on animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vf7mv/an_animal_rights_advocate_got_really_upset_with/
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9/10 Redditors are idiots

I'm glad to be the 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vf7ks/910_redditors_are_idiots/
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Micky Mouse isn't quick enough to avoid my punches.

But Donald ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vf5gl/micky_mouse_isnt_quick_enough_to_avoid_my_punches/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic??

Halfway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vf5ch/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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I really, really love Earth's rotation...

It made my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vf0oc/i_really_really_love_earths_rotation/
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Salesperson at a big furniture store: "You put no money down and make no payments for 12 months!"

Me (nervously): "Who told you about us?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vexiy/salesperson_at_a_big_furniture_store_you_put_no/
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Here's one more ISIS joke.

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
ISIS Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vexfz/heres_one_more_isis_joke/
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My mom was always obsessed with dental hygiene...

...she would always take her electric toothbrush to bed and brush her teeth all night!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vevsd/my_mom_was_always_obsessed_with_dental_hygiene/
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How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vesjq/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_was_in_the_military/
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Why did the Mechanical Engineer stop studying material science?

They just couldn't handle the stress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5veqk8/why_did_the_mechanical_engineer_stop_studying/
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What did the old man say to his son before he kicked the bucket?

"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5veq5a/what_did_the_old_man_say_to_his_son_before_he/
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Why do you always take 2 Mormons when you go on a fishing trip?

Because, if you only take one he will drink all your beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5venx7/why_do_you_always_take_2_mormons_when_you_go_on_a/
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What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?

Einsteins cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5venua/whats_the_smartest_thing_to_come_out_of_a_womans/
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I've just invented a perfume made from holy water.

Eau my God

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vencq/ive_just_invented_a_perfume_made_from_holy_water/
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More salt?

Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vekw6/more_salt/
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[NSFW] What do you get when you cross a bowl of fruit and the holocaust?

Orange Jews from concentrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vebje/nsfw_what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_bowl_of/
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Three women- a blond, a brunette, and a red head, are all about to be executed by ISIS

The red head was up first. Right before she was going to be executed she yelled, “TORNADO!” All of the ISIS members took cover and she escaped. The brunette was the next in line. He followed in the red-head’s footprints and this time screamed “SANDSTORM!” The gullible ISIS members again ducked for cover while he escaped. The blonde thought to herself, “This is going to be easy. These people are idiots.” The blonde stood with a smug look on the shooting block while the ISIS leader roared, “Ready…Aim….” The blonde yelled, “FIRE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vebcz/three_women_a_blond_a_brunette_and_a_red_head_are/
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My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water"

I know he means well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ve93j/my_friend_always_tells_me_cheer_up_at_least_you/
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What's got 2 legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ve81t/whats_got_2_legs_and_bleeds/
%
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government...

so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ve81f/a_teacher_was_teaching_her_second_grade_class/
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ISIS vs Badass Marines

A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road, when they hear the voice of an American from behind a sand dune- “Hey you bastards! One Marine is better than ten wimpy ISIS fighters!”
The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over to the sand dune, where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes. After a minute of silence, the voice calls out again- “One Marine is better than one hundred of you ISIS scumbags!”
Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and a huge gun fight breaks out. After 10 minutes of battle, there is again silence, until the voice calls out again,“One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters.”
The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. There’s not just one marine over there….there’s two.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ve7ek/isis_vs_badass_marines/
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Older Men Scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ve637/older_men_scam/
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Golf

Wife - "Where the heck have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by
noon!"
Husband - "I'm so sorry, Honey, but you probably don't want to hear the
reason."
Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it now!"
Husband - "Fine. We finished in under four hours and then had a quick beer
in the clubhouse.  After that, I hopped in the car and would have been here
at 12 noon on the button.  However, on the way home, I spotted a girl half
our age who was struggling with a flat tire.  I changed that tire in a
jiffy, and next, she was offering me money.  Of course, I refused the
money.  Then she told me that she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton and
begged me to stop so she could buy me a beer.  She was such a sweetie, so I
said, "Yes."  Before you know it, one beer turned to three or four, and I
guess we were looking pretty good to each other.  Then she told me that she
had a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table.  She suggested
that we go for some privacy, while pulling me by the hand.  Now I'm in her
room.
The talking stopped, and clothes were flying.  We proceeded to have sex in
every way imaginable.  It must have gone on for hours, because, before I
know it, the clock says 5:30 p.m.  I jumped up, threw on my clothes and  ran
to my car.  Now here I am.  There. You wanted the truth, so you got it."
Wife - "Bullshit. You played 36 holes, didn't you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ve256/golf/
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Amnesia

Damn I had something for this....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ve136/amnesia/
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A motorcycle cop stops

a driver for running a red light. The driver
is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right
corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator'
for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with
his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an ass hole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he
is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine,
same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you
don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for ass hole?"
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdzkz/a_motorcycle_cop_stops/
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What do you call a grumpy German?

A sour kraut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdygq/what_do_you_call_a_grumpy_german/
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Where's the best place to hide a corpse?

The second page of search results.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdyg5/wheres_the_best_place_to_hide_a_corpse/
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What do you call someone who was dropped on their head as a baby?

Hard to say- every one of them has their own pronouns now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdtvz/what_do_you_call_someone_who_was_dropped_on_their/
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I am still waiting for Trump to eat a Snickers ...

... so he becomes Obama again
You're not you when you're hungry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdtoy/i_am_still_waiting_for_trump_to_eat_a_snickers/
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Did you hear about the octopus who works as a therapist? (nsfw)

He studied at Harvard medical school, graduated top of his class in behavioral psychology, and received his PHD with honours. The octopus has published many papers, and receives referrals from other doctors for patients suffering from depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. He is also highly regarded in his field for his work in helping victims of mollusk-ation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdsgh/did_you_hear_about_the_octopus_who_works_as_a/
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So a man goes down on his grandma....

and tastes horse semen. And thinks to himself, "is this how she died?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdrdb/so_a_man_goes_down_on_his_grandma/
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Thank god for nipples.

Without them, boobs would be pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdqxe/thank_god_for_nipples/
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What's it called when a cat meows for food when their bowl is half full?

Fake Mews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdpu5/whats_it_called_when_a_cat_meows_for_food_when/
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If LifeCall joined Apple

Introducing the iVeFallen And iCantGetUp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdlfl/if_lifecall_joined_apple/
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Did you know the flat earth society has members...

all around the globe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdl5i/did_you_know_the_flat_earth_society_has_members/
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Man asks his terminally ill friend: "Have you any idea what's it like after death?"

He replies: "No, but I'm dying to know"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdg4a/man_asks_his_terminally_ill_friend_have_you_any/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdf2d/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
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These manager's joke

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdf16/these_managers_joke/
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Why are there no Iraqis in Star Trek?

Because it's set in the future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vdbn6/why_are_there_no_iraqis_in_star_trek/
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Ninety

There was once a woman who had 100 children. She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vd9c8/ninety/
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Did you hear anonymous declared war on ISIS?

A: Kind of ironic that they’re now being attacked by 72 virgins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vd6ng/did_you_hear_anonymous_declared_war_on_isis/
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Why does Peter Pan always fly?

Because he Neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vd5lk/why_does_peter_pan_always_fly/
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A philosopher, mathematician, and an idiot.

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, with St. Peter and the Devil standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vd1g4/a_philosopher_mathematician_and_an_idiot/
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Blind prostitutes

You gotta hand it to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vd0ii/blind_prostitutes/
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Creation vs. Evolution

After a sermon on creation, a curious young boy asked, "Dad?  How did we get here?"
"Remember God created EVERYTHING in six days.  On the sixth day, he scooped up some dust and made Adam.  He took one of Adam's ribs and made Eve.  They had kids and their kids had kids and so on, so that's how we're here."
Not entirely convinced, he asked his mom the same question.
"It began with microorganisms you couldn't see without a microscope.  Over time they evolved--creating algae, fish, birds, tadpoles, for example.    Eventually, who knows, but something--tadpoles or algae---evolved into monkeys and apes and eventually humans!!"
Mom's explanation seemed more logical so the boy approached his dad.   "You lied to me!  Mom told me about evolution."
Dad responded, "no, Son.  I didn't lie.  Your mother was just telling you about HER side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vczto/creation_vs_evolution/
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A German Man, A Swedish Man, and an Israeli Man Are Kidnapped by ISIS

“Listen up infidels,” says the ISIS member, you have on last with before I kill you.”
The German pleads for mercy, “Germany has always embraced your people, what have I done to deserve this ?” After no answer, he deicdes he wants sausage and a good beer.
Next, the Swedish man screams at the top of his lungs, “Have you no humanity !? Sweden has fully welcomed your traditions and faith, why would you do this?!”
After no answer he finally says he’ll have a nice fish.
Finally, the Israeli yawns and says to the ISIS member, “I don’t anything from you, I just want you to kick me in the ass.”
Furious with his reply, the ISIS member kicks him in the ass. The Israeli gets up, turns around, and kills the entire ISIS group. Shocked, the German asks,”Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?”
The Israeli replies, “If he didn’t, you would’ve just said I started it..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vczht/a_german_man_a_swedish_man_and_an_israeli_man_are/
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My chemistry teacher is a damn liar!

He said that alcohol is a solvent. I've been drinking for years and it hasn't solved any of my problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vcz5m/my_chemistry_teacher_is_a_damn_liar/
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Trump really does make everything overseas

He had his shirts made in Korea, his glasses made in China, and his Presidency made in Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vcz1x/trump_really_does_make_everything_overseas/
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My wife and I made a deal that whoever woke up first on our anniversary,

would have to wake the other with oral sex. I still don't know why she woke up screaming with my dick in her mouth...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vcz19/my_wife_and_i_made_a_deal_that_whoever_woke_up/
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What will Beyonce say after her first twin is born?

I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact he'll be here in a minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vcryz/what_will_beyonce_say_after_her_first_twin_is_born/
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A sadist and a masochist are locked in a room together.

The masochist screams out "Please hurt me! I deserve it!"
The sadist replies "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vcplg/a_sadist_and_a_masochist_are_locked_in_a_room/
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What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vcnnw/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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Three Labrador Retrievers Are At The Vet...

Three labrador retrievers are at the vet. A yellow lab, a chocolate lab, and a black lab. The black lab turns to the other dogs and asks, "What are you guys in here for?"
The yellow lab looks up and says, "I'm here because I'm what they call a pisser. I piss on everything. They tolerated it but then I peed on master's bed. Now they're going to put me to sleep."
The chocolate lab shakes his head and says sadly, "I'm what they call a shitter. I shit on everything. They tolerated it as well until I pooped in master's shoe. They're going to put me down."
The yellow lab turns to the black lab, "What about you? What are you in for?"
The black lab responds, "I'm what they call a humper. I would hump anything that I came into contact with, but then one day my master's wife was getting out of the shower and she dropped her towel and bent over to get it and I couldn't help myself."
The other two labs gasped and asked, "Are they going to put you down too?"
"Nope," replied the black lab, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vcm0y/three_labrador_retrievers_are_at_the_vet/
%
A priest is in the middle of the ocean and refuses help from ships that are near because he believes that God is going to help him.

When he dies, he ends up in Heaven and sees God. He asks: "Why didn't you help me, God?" God replies: "What do you mean? I sent so many ships to help you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vclyu/a_priest_is_in_the_middle_of_the_ocean_and/
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I keep falling off my bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vclif/i_keep_falling_off_my_bike/
%
Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vcl63/operation_successful/
%
Not sure why the left wants to punch nazis

You'd think they'd love a failed liberal arts student who blames all his problems on other races.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vckpw/not_sure_why_the_left_wants_to_punch_nazis/
%
A blonde and a salesman are bored on a plane

The salesman says to the blonde "I'm bored let's play a game. I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you give me 5$, then you ask me something and if I don't know the answer I'll give you 500$"
The blonde agrees to the deal and so the salesman asks his first question "how far away is the moon?"
The blonde thinks for a second and says "I don't know, here's 5$" then asks the salesman her question "what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down with four?"
The salesman thinks for a long time and cannot for the life of him solve this riddle, so he finally hands over the 500$ and asks "So what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down with 4?"
The blonde says " I don't know" and hands him 5$
Note: My math teacher ended class with this today, thought Reddit would enjoy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vckmq/a_blonde_and_a_salesman_are_bored_on_a_plane/
%
What's the speed limit of sex?

68... If you go 69 you have to turn around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vcj69/whats_the_speed_limit_of_sex/
%
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

To hide in cherry trees.
have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
So it works doesn't it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vciua/why_do_elephants_paint_their_toenails_red/
%
I told my dad embrace your mistakes.

That's when my dad hugged me and my brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vchcq/i_told_my_dad_embrace_your_mistakes/
%
Do you know who likes to get fisted?

Sock puppets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vch2b/do_you_know_who_likes_to_get_fisted/
%
What was Stephen Hawking when he was younger?

Stephen Walking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vcfkj/what_was_stephen_hawking_when_he_was_younger/
%
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vcf6s/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
%
Where do sheep get their haircut?

At the Bah-Bah-Shop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vcef8/where_do_sheep_get_their_haircut/
%
I i had a dollar for everytime someone called me mean...

I'd be meaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vcbh1/i_i_had_a_dollar_for_everytime_someone_called_me/
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It's too soon to make jokes about the Sweden Terror Attack

We should wait for it to happen first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vcb8v/its_too_soon_to_make_jokes_about_the_sweden/
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SNL should parody CNN by having Tina Fey be a news correspondent delivering headlines from a canoe.

They call the segment "Fey Canoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vc9um/snl_should_parody_cnn_by_having_tina_fey_be_a/
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My ex broke up with me

because I , apparently , was too immature ...
I took a deep breath and calmed down.
Then I went to her house , rang the doorbell and ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbz2g/my_ex_broke_up_with_me/
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Where do all r/jokes users get their jokes?

The recycle bin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbw92/where_do_all_rjokes_users_get_their_jokes/
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What do they use to unlock an ass in Mexican prison?

A dong-key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbvl4/what_do_they_use_to_unlock_an_ass_in_mexican/
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I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker,

I don't know how I never noticed that all the signs were there..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbviv/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_was/
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How many white knights does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't you worry your pretty, little head about it, the men will take care of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbvhu/how_many_white_knights_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbtzl/i_got_arrested_for_killing_a_black_man/
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what's the worst thing you could get your special someone on valentines day?

a divorce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbtxu/whats_the_worst_thing_you_could_get_your_special/
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What does a stripper do with her asshole before starting work?

Drops him off for his shift at McDonald's!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbsmg/what_does_a_stripper_do_with_her_asshole_before/
%
You can't run through a campground

You can only ran, because it's past tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbpob/you_cant_run_through_a_campground/
%
I went to a party at a morgue the other day

We cracked open a few cold ones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vboew/i_went_to_a_party_at_a_morgue_the_other_day/
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What do you call a rough Italian neighbourhood?

A spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbnlx/what_do_you_call_a_rough_italian_neighbourhood/
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"Is my time up?"

A 55 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbmpc/is_my_time_up/
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Crows

One day, about a year ago, 100 dead crows were found on the side of a motorway. Upon investigation, The crows were found to have been hit by vehicles, and were covered in specs of varying paint.
After further investigation it was also found that the paint on the crows had two different types, one from trucks and one from cars. 98% of them crows had been killed by trucks.
The researchers were baffled as to why such a large number of the crows had been killed by trucks. After much deliberation, the researchers came to a conclusion.
When crows are feeding on roadkill, they will always have one crow on lookout for any danger. When they spot danger, they will shout "CAH! CAH!".
Unfortunately, crows can't say "Truck".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbl1t/crows/
%
Things not to say after sex:

– You are better than your sister.
– When do I put the condom on?
– There’s money on the counter.
– Alright who’s gonna help me rebury this?
– Do you have aids ? I don’t want to get it again.
– Yeah, definitely gay.
– It was better when you were sleeping.
– Please like and subscribe.
– Well that ejaculated quickly.
– New record, 17 seconds!
– I was born as male.
– Did your mom teach you that? You guys fuck so similar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbj4o/things_not_to_say_after_sex/
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My daughters favorite joke...

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment, and the other requires oinkment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbios/my_daughters_favorite_joke/
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Islam is a religion of peace

Piece of you here, piece of you there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbfms/islam_is_a_religion_of_peace/
%
Grandma's Birthday Present

Little Johnny's Grandma had her 90th birthday coming up, and he wanted to make sure that he got her something special. He saved up all of his pocket money and in the end decided to buy her the fanciest toilet brush that was available.
He gave it to his Grandma and she promptly embraced Little Johnny before putting it in the bathroom.
The next week, when Little Johnny returned to visit his Grandma he noticed that the toilet brush was missing.
"Grandma," he said - heartbroken, "What have you done with your toilet brush?"
"I'm sorry Johnny - but after all these year's I've become quite used to toilet paper and didn't like the change."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbeif/grandmas_birthday_present/
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My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbef0/my_wife_left_me_because_im_too_insecure/
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If you were any more inbred

You would be a sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbdxy/if_you_were_any_more_inbred/
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My son just became a father for the first time today…

And in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him…they were stored in my dadabase.…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vbbdt/my_son_just_became_a_father_for_the_first_time/
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I poured a bag of yellow vegetables over a dead policeman.

Corn on the cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vb8aw/i_poured_a_bag_of_yellow_vegetables_over_a_dead/
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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a drink for him and the pig he's carrying under his arm. The bartender gets him these drinks and asks why the pig only has three legs. "Well", the man said. "This pig pulled me and my whole family out of the house when it was on fire. He saved our lives". The bartender says, "Wow, that is one awesome pig. But that still doesn't answer my question". "Well", the man says. "One time I was fishing with this pig, and my boat capsized. I don't know how to swim, but this pig pulled me back to shore and gave me CPR". "Wow", the bartender says. "That pig is a hero! But that still doesn't answer my question. Why does he only have three legs?" "Well", the man says. "If you had a pig this awesome, would you eat him all at once?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vb56x/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three men are drowning...

They are slowly losing hope, when suddenly a ship comes close to them. They start screaming and sure enough the crew notices them and turn the ship towards them.
The ship happens to be full of nuns. They aren't very into the idea of letting men aboard. However the men kept on begging them. Sure enough they strike a deal. They will let the men aboard, but they will remove their manhood according to their profession. Reluctantly, the men accept the conditions.
The first man comes aboard, a blacksmith. His penis gets repeatedly hit with a hammer until it eventually falls off.
The second man, trembling with fear, grabs the ladder and makes his way up. He is a butcher. One clean cut is made and sure enough the job is done.
The third man, taking his merry time. makes his way up the ladder. Walks up the nuns, drops his trousers and starts smiling. "What's so funny?"-asks one of the nuns.
The man replies:"Well, considering I'm a candy maker, we're sure to hit mainland while you suck my dick off. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vb37s/three_men_are_drowning/
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Guy walks into the bar with his new boots.

One of the residents notices his shoes and comments on them.
The guy replies: 'yep, they are genuine Crocodile leather'.
He pulls his gun out of his holster and says, 'I have killed the croc myself with this gun'.
The resident is in awe and asks if he can get boots like that. 'Of course' says the guy, 'here, you can even use my gun'. He hands him the gun and the resident flies out to Australia.
A week later the guy returns with the man's gun but no boots. 'What happened', asks the gun owner, 'didn't you see any crocodiles?'
'Yeah, I must have killed about twenty', says the guy, 'but none of them were wearing such lovely boots.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vb2dq/guy_walks_into_the_bar_with_his_new_boots/
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I've gotten 100000+ girls in bed with this line.

Does my handkerchief smell like chloroform?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vb2b5/ive_gotten_100000_girls_in_bed_with_this_line/
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An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian man recites a random verse from the Bible, pretending as if it’s a verse from the Quran. “Ok” the ISIS member finally says, “you can go.” After the drove away, the man’s wife says “I cannot believe the risk you just took. Why did you tell him that we are Muslims? If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us.” “Don’t worry,” said the husband, “if they knew the Quran they would not kill people.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vb29m/an_isis_member_was_performing/
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A robot bartender

A guy goes into a bar in Washington where there is a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?
The guy replies, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The guy say, "168."
The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.
The robot asks, "What's your drink?"
The guy answers, "Whiskey."
The robot returns with his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "100."
The robot talks about Nascar, Football and Hockey.
The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his "experiment" that he decides to try again.
He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.
The man replies, "Whiskey."
The robot brings the drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers, "50."
The robot leans in real close and asks,
"So . . . are . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Trump?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vb1mw/a_robot_bartender/
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We sent prince harry to Afghanistan. Because when you want to teach them about democracy, you send them a prince.

...to shoot at them from a helicopter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vb0cu/we_sent_prince_harry_to_afghanistan_because_when/
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All women should be able to do atleast 70 things

69 and leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vb09z/all_women_should_be_able_to_do_atleast_70_things/
%
Glasgow has a lot in common with Las Vegas.

I mean, for one in both places you can pay for sex with chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vb01u/glasgow_has_a_lot_in_common_with_las_vegas/
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P.S - im a muslim

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?”
The customer says, “Female”
The counter guy asks, “Black or white?”
The customer says, “White”
The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?”
The customer says, “What the hell does religion have to do with it?”
The counter guy says, “The Muslim one blows itself up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vaxxf/ps_im_a_muslim/
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An old lady meets a little girl in the park with her dog.

She asks, "What's your name, little girl?"
"Blossom," answers the girl.
"Oh, that's a beautiful name. How did you get it?"
The little girl explained, "Well, my mommy was pregnant, and a blossom fell out of a tree and landed right on her tummy, so she named me Blossom."
"Oh, that's so nice, replied the old lady. "What's your dog's name?"
"Porky," the little girl answered.
"Why Porky?" the old lady asked.
The little girl answered, "Because he fucks pigs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vaujj/an_old_lady_meets_a_little_girl_in_the_park_with/
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Someone smeared poo on my old gaming system.

Now it's a Nintendo BS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vapvv/someone_smeared_poo_on_my_old_gaming_system/
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I found a used condom in my son's bed.

Clearly my wife and I forgot to dispose of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vap2u/i_found_a_used_condom_in_my_sons_bed/
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My mother took to me one of those buildings where they take the mentally ill.

A church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vaovr/my_mother_took_to_me_one_of_those_buildings_where/
%
What's the smallest organ in a goat?

An ISIS member's penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vao4d/whats_the_smallest_organ_in_a_goat/
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My doctor told me I had 10 hours left to live...

So I killed him and the judge gave me 30 years.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vangt/my_doctor_told_me_i_had_10_hours_left_to_live/
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Did you hear the joke about the broken submarine?

It didn't go down well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vaksi/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_broken_submarine/
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vaj7f/a_blonde_pushes_her_bmw_into_a_gas_station/
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A blond woman goes to an electronics shop

She asks the sales assistant "how much does that TV cost?"
Sales assistant : "sorry mam, we don't sell TV's to blonde woman."
Next day, the woman colors her hair black and into the same shop
She asks the sales assistant "how much does that TV cost?"
Sales assistant : "sorry mam, we don't sell TV's to blonde woman."
On the third day, she colors her hair red and again goes to same shop
She asks the sales assistant "how much does that TV cost?"
Sales assistant : "sorry mam, we don't sell TV's to blonde woman."
Woman :" how do you know everytime that I'm blonde ? "
Sales assistant :" because that's no a TV, it is an oven ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vai6s/a_blond_woman_goes_to_an_electronics_shop/
%
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vahoq/a_male_whale_and_a_female_whale_were_swimming_off/
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What is the biggest lie in the world?

"I have read and agree to the terms of service"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vagu5/what_is_the_biggest_lie_in_the_world/
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A Smart Dentist

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vaaj0/a_smart_dentist/
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Lisa: Mom don't do the dishes! It's your birthday!

Mom: That's so sweet of you to say Lisa!
Lisa: You can do them tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5vaa1q/lisa_mom_dont_do_the_dishes_its_your_birthday/
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DJ gets Caught Off Guard

A guy calls into a radio station and he says he has a joke for the DJ. The DJ goes, “Alright, let’s hear it.”
The caller asks, “First, are we allowed to say ‘penis’ on the air?”
The DJ says, “It is the specific medical or clinical term so yes, you can use it.”
Caller: “OK, what has a 1 inch penis and hangs down?”
DJ: “I dunno, what?”
Caller: “A bat. (pauses) Now what has a 13 inch penis and hangs up?”
The DJ replies, “I dunno, what?”
Next thing the DJ hears is a dial tone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5va9px/dj_gets_caught_off_guard/
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There Are 492 Billionaires In The U.S

And Not One Of Those Losers Has Decided To Become Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5va6x0/there_are_492_billionaires_in_the_us/
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A Guy Walked into a Lexus Dealership...

A guy walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As he bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped him. Very embarrassed, he anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.
&nbsp;
Sure enough, there standing behind him was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted him, "Good day, Sir. How may we help you today?"
&nbsp;
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, he smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied,
&nbsp;
"Sir, I'm very sorry to say, If you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5va6rw/a_guy_walked_into_a_lexus_dealership/
%
A Russian student goes to Ukraine to visit his girlfriend

and is stopped at the border and asked for identification. The guard looks carefully at his paperwork and asks tersely, 'Name?'  'Vlad', he replies.  'Occupation?', the officer inquires. 'Nyet, just here on vacation.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5va6rq/a_russian_student_goes_to_ukraine_to_visit_his/
%
What kind of meat does the pope eat?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5va5q5/what_kind_of_meat_does_the_pope_eat/
%
Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New Year's.

Excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5va5oo/just_got_out_of_prison_after_attacking_a_man_on/
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A TCP packet walks into a bar...

A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman "Hello, I'd like a beer."
The barman replies "Hello, you'd like a beer?"
"Yes," replies the TCP packet, "I'd like a beer."
I'd tell you my UDP packet joke, but I'm not sure you'd get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5va4xv/a_tcp_packet_walks_into_a_bar/
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Smaller babies are always delivered by stork...

but the heavier ones need to be delivered by **crane**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5va38a/smaller_babies_are_always_delivered_by_stork/
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A quick math question

Alright, so here's quick math question for ya:
So there's two trains. The first train is traveling at *exactly* 90 miles per hour from Plotopia heading due west. There is a clown standing atop it. He is holding a grenade. (And yes, his billowing pants and rainbow-dyed afro-wig *are* affecting wind resistance, but it's negligible).
The second train is traveling from Plotburg at 100 miles per hour heading due east on the same track(a collision course, if you will). There is a mime standing atop it. He is *pretending* to hold a grenade.
This second train is a newer electric model(hence its increased speed), whereas the first train is an older coal model(complete with caboose). Since it's a coal train, there is soot issuing forth from it dying the clown's rainbow-wig black.
This irritates the clown.
Now between the coal train and its caboose are 5 freight cars(this is important), 3 of which are holding 5,000 bushels of apples each. Aboard the train is Señior Tyrone Chang(he's from Russia) with the intention of selling his apples at Plotburg. The current going price for apples is $150 a bushel.
Alas, there's been a collapse in the apple market! And the price of apple bushels is plummeting at a steady rate of 1 dollar a minute!
Now, assuming there is exactly 90 miles between Plotopia and Plotburg, and the trains do not alter their speeds, they will meet each other at....Midway City(Do you know why they call that place Midway City? Cause that's what was painted on the sign, it'd be silly to call it something else).
After roughly 28 minutes of his wig being dyed black, the clown has had enough and throws his grenade. This isn't just *any* grenade, however, but a Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch which explodes on the fourth second obliterating all within its presence save for Plotonium(Which is nearly invincible, due to the plot).
The clown has a very strong throwing arm(due to his pie-throwing days in the circus) and the grenade is lobbed forth through the air 4 seconds ahead of the coal-train(which is about 6 seconds away from colliding with the electric train).
1...2...3...
**HALLELUJAH**
And it explodes, launching the coal-train *just* over the incoming electric train by a hairs breadth, landing completely unscathed. The mime doesn't make it(but he pretends to).
Assuming there are no further incidences, the train arrives at Plotburg on time one hour after departure. This means Señior Tyrone Chang(from Russia) is going to sell his apples at...$90 a bushel. For a grand total of...yep, you guessed it: $1,350,000
Now, the question is: how many train cars pulled by the coal train didn't have apples?
Guessed Wrong: [3. You forgot about the caboose(They always forget about the caboose). Where did you think Señior Tyrone Chang was sitting? Up front with the conductors? *Preposterous*! He's merely a humble apple merchant; he hasn't the authorization.](#s)
Guessed Right: [...damnit.](/#s)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5va37i/a_quick_math_question/
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I ate my mom...

Se knocked te computer on te ground so now some of te keys on te keyboard aren't working rigt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5va35c/i_ate_my_mom/
%
I just spent a whole hour writing with a broken pencil...

...before I realized that it was pointless...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5va2ku/i_just_spent_a_whole_hour_writing_with_a_broken/
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What is "Worse then the Holocaust"?

Poor Grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5va1m2/what_is_worse_then_the_holocaust/
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What did the Main Quest of Oblivion cost?

Two Septims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v9xoq/what_did_the_main_quest_of_oblivion_cost/
%
My doctor checked my prostate last week

It was the worst dentist appointment of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v9jcf/my_doctor_checked_my_prostate_last_week/
%
I hate all sleep accessories

But I don't know if it's a good idea to make such a blanket statement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v9gyd/i_hate_all_sleep_accessories/
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.
;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v9epa/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
Eating out a girl...

Is like smoking a cigarette. The closer you get to the butt, the worse it tastes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v9cyz/eating_out_a_girl/
%
Johnny walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands

A man named Leonard approaches him and says, "I went to Harvard and they taught us to wash our hands after peeing."
Johnny looks at him and says, "I went to the University of Georgia and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v9cng/johnny_walks_out_of_the_bathroom_without_washing/
%
Sign above an Instagram entrepreneur's door:

"Carpe DM"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v9c18/sign_above_an_instagram_entrepreneurs_door/
%
I've been in jail 5 minutes and already got raped twice

I'm fucking done playing monopoly with my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v99zv/ive_been_in_jail_5_minutes_and_already_got_raped/
%
I've got a joke about Iowa.

But it might be too corny for y'all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v97uh/ive_got_a_joke_about_iowa/
%
What did the gingerbread man say when his house burned down?

Dang that cost me a lot of dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v975f/what_did_the_gingerbread_man_say_when_his_house/
%
Why is Peter Pan Always Flying?

Because he Neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v96dg/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
One of my bank accounts is 8 figures

$0.0000001

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v957w/one_of_my_bank_accounts_is_8_figures/
%
The EU will more room now...

... they'll soon free up 1 GB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v90au/the_eu_will_more_room_now/
%
What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v8xst/what_food_makes_women_stop_giving_blow_jobs/
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What is a feminist's favorite math subject?

triggerednometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v8x23/what_is_a_feminists_favorite_math_subject/
%
What do you call...

What do you call it when a man who Hates games, cant stop playing side scrolling shooters?
A contr-addiction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v8vr1/what_do_you_call/
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I think I'm experiencing deja poo...

Same shit, different day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v8o8n/i_think_im_experiencing_deja_poo/
%
A husband and wife are driving home and run over a otter.

They get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold. The husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up" Wife replies "But its all wet and it stinks!" Husband says "Well hold its nose!".﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v8mt6/a_husband_and_wife_are_driving_home_and_run_over/
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3 guys are hiking through the woods

when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v8mso/3_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods/
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‪A restaurant accidentally served me the weirdest talking steak. ‬"I'm not beef," it confessed.

It was an honest moose steak. ‬

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v8lwv/a_restaurant_accidentally_served_me_the_weirdest/
%
What has four wheels and flies?

The garbage truck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v8hx4/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee.

Cheap, imported, and slightly bitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v8ewo/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A homless lady pushing a cart at 2 am told my friends and i this. "What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire"

See you the same time next month.
And then she cackled like a witch who'd been smoking for 40 years most of her teeth missing, it was horrifying and hilarious at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v8bcv/a_homless_lady_pushing_a_cart_at_2_am_told_my/
%
Conservatives want to repeal Obamacare

and replace it with a single prayer healthcare plan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v890u/conservatives_want_to_repeal_obamacare/
%
A model was walking down the runway...

She got hit by an airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v88du/a_model_was_walking_down_the_runway/
%
I went to the doctor today and he told me I needed to stop jacking off

Said it was "ruining his rectal exam".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v86a7/i_went_to_the_doctor_today_and_he_told_me_i/
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Donald Trump visits an elementary school

"You know I am one of the most intelligent people in the world, good genes very very smart brain. Let's see how smart you are kids: A limusine goes from the white house to TRUMP TOWER at 20 streets per minute. What's my age?"
The whole class stayed in silence. Nobody saw any logic in the question. A single boy raised his arm and answered.
"70 years old."
"Good boy, very smart. You are the second smartest person in this room. Now, explain to the rest of the class how you solved the problem."
"Mr. President, my uncle is 35 years old and he's only half retard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v85j0/donald_trump_visits_an_elementary_school/
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A man gets to the hospital just as his child is being born...

He was pronounced Dad on Arrival

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v853i/a_man_gets_to_the_hospital_just_as_his_child_is/
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A rabbi comes home and tells his wife

: "Honey, I made seven people happy today. I had three couples married."
"Who's the seventh person?" asks the wife.
"Do you really think I did it for free?" says the rabbi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v84q6/a_rabbi_comes_home_and_tells_his_wife/
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As he inserted the rectal thermometer [nsfw]

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v84ah/as_he_inserted_the_rectal_thermometer_nsfw/
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The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v81zt/the_irish_prostitute/
%
3 strings walk into a bar

The first tries to order a drink, and the bartender says "we don't serve strings in here. You gotta get out."
The second tries and gets the same answer.
The third tries, more confident than the others. The bartender says "you heard what I said. We don't serve strings here. You're a string, ain't ya?"
"no sir," he replies, "I'm a frayed knot."
[say it out loud]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7zts/3_strings_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I walked into a library.

I said, "Have you got any books on..."
"Telepathy?"
"Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7ys3/i_walked_into_a_library/
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My wife said she couldn't imagine herself with any other man.

"I can't imagine any other man with you," probably wasn't the right reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7xw5/my_wife_said_she_couldnt_imagine_herself_with_any/
%
I need some money for a penis enlargement

I'm a little short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7xfx/i_need_some_money_for_a_penis_enlargement/
%
If you're happy and you know it

It's your meds! ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7vcr/if_youre_happy_and_you_know_it/
%
A lot of people don't like Mondays

But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7u75/a_lot_of_people_dont_like_mondays/
%
Cigarettes on a boat.

Three sailors are on a boat. They have four cigarettes and feel the sudden urge to smoke, but the problem is they don't have a lighter. How do they smoke?
They toss one of the cigarettes into the ocean to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7t8a/cigarettes_on_a_boat/
%
So a clothes designer drank from the Fountain of Youth...

Now she's Forever 21.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7rgx/so_a_clothes_designer_drank_from_the_fountain_of/
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An Employee Is Called Into His Manager's Office

The manager sits him down and says "I have reports you have been using your computer for non-work-related activities."
"No sir, that simply isn't true," the man said.
"I have a lot of complaints about it though," the manager replied, unconvinced. "People say they see you playing solitaire."
"Solitaire?!" the employee exclaimed. "It pops up randomly, but I always click out of it immediately!"
"Oh, well ok then," the employer replied.
"Yeah, I really wish porn sites would get rid of the solitaire pop-ups. Super annoying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7qpa/an_employee_is_called_into_his_managers_office/
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First meeting

I remember my first meeting with my manager at my old job.
My manager asked,
"How good are you at PowerPoint?"
I said, "I excel at it."
He replied, "was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
I was like, "Word."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7qno/first_meeting/
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Describe your sex life with a SpingeBob quote.

"Are ya ready Kids?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7py9/describe_your_sex_life_with_a_spingebob_quote/
%
A termite walks into a bar..

And says where is the bartender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7pm0/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the guy with 5 legs?

His pants fit like a glove...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7ph1/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_5_legs/
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A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife.

Dude says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7n5h/a_guy_comes_home_from_work_walks_into_his_bedroom/
%
Two potatoes are standing on a corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute?

It has a sticker that says "idaho"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7ku3/two_potatoes_are_standing_on_a_corner_how_do_you/
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Jesus, Chuck Norris, and the Pope go for a walk...

They come up to a wide and deep river with no bridge nor a boat. Jesus and Chuck simply walk over the water. The Pope goes and sinks to his ankles.
"Oh Lord almighty help me!"
Jesus says: "Just believe and you will be able to walk on water!"
He continues and sinks to his knees.
"Lord save me!"
"Believe and you will walk on water."
He wades further and sinks to his waist.
Jesus turns to Chuck. "How 'bout we tell him about the boards?"
"Huh? What boards?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7iqv/jesus_chuck_norris_and_the_pope_go_for_a_walk/
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What do you do when your bicycle's wheels wear out?

You retire it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7hcq/what_do_you_do_when_your_bicycles_wheels_wear_out/
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Mother told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

Went for a few drinks, pretty cool guy actually. Wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7e2a/mother_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead_of/
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Breaking News: Donald Trump and his staff will be replacing the email system at the White House

They'll be using alternative fax instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7c00/breaking_news_donald_trump_and_his_staff_will_be/
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What's Helen Keller's favorite color?

Corduroy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7bvn/whats_helen_kellers_favorite_color/
%
I woke up at 4:04 last night...

I was completely lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7boq/i_woke_up_at_404_last_night/
%
A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad. Her mother asks her what’s wrong.

A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad.
Her mother asks her what’s wrong.
She says, “Bill proposed to me an hour ago.”
Her mother asks, “Why are you so sad then?”
The girl replies, “Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother says, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7a3u/a_young_girl_comes_home_from_a_date_looking/
%
If con is the opposite of pro...

Then is congress the opposite of progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v79cg/if_con_is_the_opposite_of_pro/
%
Guys, did you hear the news? The energizer bunny was arrested...

He was charged with *battery.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v79bk/guys_did_you_hear_the_news_the_energizer_bunny/
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The GOP are already polluting our rivers.

Found a Klansman at the bottom of one not too long ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v776i/the_gop_are_already_polluting_our_rivers/
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A woman is suicidally depressed

She's quite obese, unattractive, and lonely. Life having dealt her a bad hand, she buys a pistol and resolves to end her own life.
Wanting it to be quick, she calls her doctor to ask him where the heart is.
"It's right under the left breast", he replies.
So she hangs up, takes a deep breath, and shoots herself in the knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v775f/a_woman_is_suicidally_depressed/
%
A Russian man was making small talk with his wife about the weather...

"Looks like rain today doesn't it?" but his wife insisted...
"Rudy, my love, the weatherman says it will clear up before lunch."
"No, zayka, I feel it in my bones. It is going to rain."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Oh, Rudolph the Red knows rain dear..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v734o/a_russian_man_was_making_small_talk_with_his_wife/
%
Not every couple goes to the gym

Because some relationships don't work out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v717n/not_every_couple_goes_to_the_gym/
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v714u/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
Wife is going into labor

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6xce/wife_is_going_into_labor/
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Why does the skeleton like jokes so much?

He finds them humorous
(I'm so sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6w4i/why_does_the_skeleton_like_jokes_so_much/
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Why was Kurt Cobain so depressed at age 13?

He was having a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6vfh/why_was_kurt_cobain_so_depressed_at_age_13/
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When is 1 + 1 = 3?

When you don't use a condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6u3r/when_is_1_1_3/
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Did you know prostitutes can bake?

I was surprised too, but when I asked her for a creampie, she said she would make it happen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6ss7/did_you_know_prostitutes_can_bake/
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I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6rel/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
An Irishman and Englishman and a Pakistani

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.
A nurse comes out and says to the men “I’m sorry, but there’s a been a mix-up and we don’t know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and see if you can help?”
The Irishman stands up and says “I’ll sort this out.” He walks into the ward and, a couple of minutes later walks out with what is obviously a Pakistani baby and says “this is my son.”
The Pakistani man stood up in anger and shouted “What the hell do think you’re doing?!”
And then the Irishman said “Look, one of those babies in there is English, and I’m not taking any chances!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6or8/an_irishman_and_englishman_and_a_pakistani/
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Rescued a woman

I was telling my friend about a woman I saved from the train tracks one night. She was so grateful that we had sex all night. "Did she give you a blowjob?" he asked me. "Can't say she did" I told him, "I never found the head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6o94/rescued_a_woman/
%
[NSFW] One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love...

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.
He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6nw5/nsfw_one_day_a_young_man_and_woman_were_in_their/
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Viagra

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a
slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'
He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'
He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'
He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....I'm
still not hungry.'
'Well,' she says, 'I'm starving. Would you mind letting me up? '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6lq3/viagra/
%
My humor is so dark

That the cops are even beating it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6joa/my_humor_is_so_dark/
%
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued:
"Have you any grounds?"
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
It's made of concrete.
"I don' think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
No, we have carport, and not need one.
"I mean what are your relations like?"
All my relations still in Poland .
" Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
"Does your wife beat you up?"
No, I'm always up before her each morning.
"Is your wife a nagger?"
No, she white.
"Why do you want this divorce?"
She going to kill me.
"What makes you think that?"
I got proof.
"What kind of proof?"
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: POLISH REMOVER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6jff/a_polish_man_moved_to_the_usa_and_married_an/
%
What did the detective say when he received a really long letter?

"I'll get to the bottom of this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6i9t/what_did_the_detective_say_when_he_received_a/
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The Flintstones

One day pebbles took a shower with Fred and Wilma. Her curiosity lead her to ask questions
Pebbles: Mama what's that between your legs?
Wilma: oh honey that's mommy's rock cutter.
Pebbles: Dada what's the between your legs?
Fred: oh sweetie that's my rock.
Pebbles: oh I get it, when daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock cutter out comes Pebbles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6gbc/the_flintstones/
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What did the fisherman stream?

A rodcast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6bhe/what_did_the_fisherman_stream/
%
My sex life is like looking for a parking spot...

The best ones are always taken and when nobody looks I'll just take the disabled one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v6av1/my_sex_life_is_like_looking_for_a_parking_spot/
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Two men sit next to each other on a plane to Pittsburgh, both have a black eye...

Guy #1: "Funny that we both have a black eye. How did yours happen?"
Guy #2: "Freudian Slip. Walked up to the check-in counter, and there was this lady with those huge boobs. I wanted to ask her if I was at the right counter for the flight to Pittsburgh, but instead of "Pittsburgh" I said "Titsburgh", so she punched me in the face."
Guy #1: "No way, I had a Freudian slip, too. I was having breakfast with my wife and wanted to ask her if she could pass me the cornflakes. Instead of that I said: "You stupid bitch, marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life!""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v69td/two_men_sit_next_to_each_other_on_a_plane_to/
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The only girl who ever texts me...

Is Amber Alert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v67qd/the_only_girl_who_ever_texts_me/
%
I was going to get "indecisive bastard" tattooed on my body.

But I didn't know where to. Maybe my arm? Or my back? My leg might look good.
Actually, I'll get a butterfly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v662g/i_was_going_to_get_indecisive_bastard_tattooed_on/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head, sits down and orders a drink.

Bartender serves the pirate his drink, and asks about the paper towel.
The pirate smiles and says, "That be the bounty on me head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v65di/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_paper_towel_on/
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I'm not a Catholic....

.... but I plan to give up picking my belly button for lint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v64md/im_not_a_catholic/
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Two prisoners are on a boat...

...on their way to Monster Island.
One of the prisoners said, "don't worry, it's just a name."
As soon as they arrived, however, there were hundreds of monsters chasing them up and the whole prison.
Once they find a hiding spot, the other prisoner says,
"WHAT THE HELL?!  'IT'S JUST A NAME'?!"
And then the other prisoner goes,
"Well, technically speaking, it's really an archipelago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v63gs/two_prisoners_are_on_a_boat/
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Weather man "it's impossible to have every season all in one week"

Mother Nature: "Hold my beer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v63cj/weather_man_its_impossible_to_have_every_season/
%
What's the difference between you and my big toe?

I *want* to bang you on my dining table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5zj0/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_my_big_toe/
%
I just ended a 5 year relationship

But it's okay, it wasn't my relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5zas/i_just_ended_a_5_year_relationship/
%
A dialogue between friends

-My russian Friend is coming to visit tomorrow
-Vladizslav?
-Baby dont hurt me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5w2v/a_dialogue_between_friends/
%
What goes "clip clip BANG"

What goes, "Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop..."
An Amish drive-by shooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5vug/what_goes_clip_clip_bang/
%
You hear about the legendary guitarist that had no vehicle ?

Carless Santana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5uha/you_hear_about_the_legendary_guitarist_that_had/
%
Britain and America are having a competition

America and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.
Britain is about to take the exit, but America has yet to fully release the Trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5ss3/britain_and_america_are_having_a_competition/
%
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of its clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5rs2/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
%
Golfing buddies

After a big reception at the Vatican, the Pope invites Dave to a round of golf and Dave agrees. On the first hole, Dave misses a relatively easy putt and exclaims "Fuck! I missed!" The Pope tells him to please watch his language and they continue playing.
A few holes later, Dave misses another easy putt, putting him behind the Pope. He again exclaims "Fuck! I missed again!" And once again the Pope tells him to not use that language. Dave apologizes and they keep playing.
A few holes later the same thing happens. The Pope says, "if you use that type of language again, may a bolt of lightning strike you where you stand." Dave once again apologizes.
On the last hole, the men are tied. The Pope makes par. Dave has landed the ball two feet from the hole and if he makes the putt, he will win the game. He lines up the putt, and once again missed. He gets so mad and screams "Fuck! I missed AGAIN!" At that moment, lightning strikes the Pope, who collapses and dies.
High above, the clouds open up and a great booming voice proclaims "well fuck. I missed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5qoz/golfing_buddies/
%
What do you call Atheism?

A non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5qlq/what_do_you_call_atheism/
%
As a new yorker i was excited about a wall that keeps foreigners from taking our jobs

Then I learned the wall wasn't being built around New Jersey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5plc/as_a_new_yorker_i_was_excited_about_a_wall_that/
%
I was sad when my wife left

When my wife left i was sad, lonely and upset.
Since then ive got a dog, bought a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blown a grand on drink and drugs.
Shes going to go mental when she gets home from work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5n50/i_was_sad_when_my_wife_left/
%
do commies write everything in lower case?

you know beacause they hate capitalism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5lzc/do_commies_write_everything_in_lower_case/
%
I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5lrw/i_never_wanted_to_believe_my_dad_was_stealing/
%
Everything in my life is going so great...

even the test results are coming back positive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5hxe/everything_in_my_life_is_going_so_great/
%
Yellow man, red man, blue man… (dutch joke)

A trucker is driving on the road when suddenly he sees a yellow man, crying on the sidewalk. He stops and goes over to him to ask if he's ok.
The yellow man says: "I'm yellow, I come from the planet Venus, I'm gay, and I'm hungry!" The trucker says: "Well…I can give you a sandwich but I can't help you further." He gives the yellow man a sandwich and drives off.
A few kilometers later he sees a red man, also crying. He stops and goes over to see what's wrong. The red man says: "I'm red, I come from the planet Mars, I'm gay, and I'm thirsty!" The trucker replies: "I can give you a can of Coke but I'm afraid I can't help you further." He gives the red man the can and drives off.
A few moments later he sees a blue man standing on the side of the road. The trucker, visibly irritated by this whole ordeal, gets out and goes up to the blue man and yells: "Now, you blue faggot, which damn planet do you come from and what the fuck do you want?"
The blue man replies: "Your license and registration."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5gym/yellow_man_red_man_blue_man_dutch_joke/
%
A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull.

I don't know how these people can sleep at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5gen/a_group_of_teenagers_robbed_our_local_supermarket/
%
In what body of water did Hitler keep his string?

The Knot seas
Bring on the downvotes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5fpn/in_what_body_of_water_did_hitler_keep_his_string/
%
Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.”
Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5dbn/dont_read_if_youre_a_trump_supporter/
%
I slipped on black ice today.

I thought it was regular ice but when I got up my wallet was missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v59tb/i_slipped_on_black_ice_today/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

Poor guy - he stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v56fd/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
%
As I looked into her eyes...

...across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak.
My heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...
That's when I realised that I'd drugged the wrong glass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v54lk/as_i_looked_into_her_eyes/
%
A Russian goes to a watchmaker.

He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v5404/a_russian_goes_to_a_watchmaker/
%
Never insult an Italian baker.

He'll beat the focaccia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4zm3/never_insult_an_italian_baker/
%
I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4y77/i_was_at_my_bank_today_and_there_was_just_an/
%
What Is Life?

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4tml/what_is_life/
%
Why don't cows get ill very easily?

Because they have a natural imoonity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4tjn/why_dont_cows_get_ill_very_easily/
%
Man offers a drink to a woman at a party.

Woman: No thanks, whisky is bad for my legs.
Man:  Legs? Thats strange, do they pain or swell?
Woman: No, they spread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4sta/man_offers_a_drink_to_a_woman_at_a_party/
%
Using chemicals to remove polish is fine...

But use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're suddenly Hitler!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4rxl/using_chemicals_to_remove_polish_is_fine/
%
Why is gravity your enemy?

Because it is keeping you down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4r2i/why_is_gravity_your_enemy/
%
What is Snoop Doggs favorite tool for woodworking?

A chizzle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4qep/what_is_snoop_doggs_favorite_tool_for_woodworking/
%
Success And Shit ...

Success Is Like The Smell Of Shit, It Can Only Be Tolerated If It Is Yours .
^_^

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4nik/success_and_shit/
%
Bob forgets his anniversary.

Bob woke up one morning to find his wife waiting for him in the kitchen, looking unusually angry.
"What's wrong dear?"
"Do you know what yesterday was?"
At that moment Bob realized that yesterday was his anniversary with his wife.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry how could I forget?"
"Well it doesn't matter. I want something that can go 0-200 in less then 60 seconds on the front yard tomorrow."
The next morning, Bob's wife woke up and couldn't find Bob. So she went out in the front yard. Greeting her was neither a car nor Bob, it was a small cardboard box. Perplexed, she took the box inside the house and opened it.
Inside was a bathroom scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4nbv/bob_forgets_his_anniversary/
%
Three triplets in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."
The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."
The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."
The other two ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"
He replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4mb5/three_triplets_in_the_womb_discuss_what_they/
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If I die young, I want my girlfriend to cast my ashes headwind

Because she never let me come on her face before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4lpo/if_i_die_young_i_want_my_girlfriend_to_cast_my/
%
How do you write a paper with just your pencil?

With a good point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4klg/how_do_you_write_a_paper_with_just_your_pencil/
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Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.

Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4ioa/animals_winter_is_here_we_need_a_plan_to_survive/
%
What's faster than a speeding bullet?

A Jew with a coupon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4ikv/whats_faster_than_a_speeding_bullet/
%
Why was Donald Trump's top advisor pulled over on his way to the White House?

He was rushin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4ib8/why_was_donald_trumps_top_advisor_pulled_over_on/
%
Three guys are walking in the desert...

After they are walking for a while they start talking and taking inventory of their supplies.
The first man says that he brought a sandwich, so if they get hungry they will have something to eat.
The second man says that he brought water, so they can stay hydrated on their journey.
The third man says that he brought a car door.
The first two men look at each other puzzled and ask him, "Why did you bring a car door?"
The third man says, "So we can roll down the window when we get hot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4e0o/three_guys_are_walking_in_the_desert/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4atn/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One after a few YouTube tutorials

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4acd/how_many_college_students_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
Did you hear about that guy that drank a lot of food coloring?

He dyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v49eg/did_you_hear_about_that_guy_that_drank_a_lot_of/
%
What's the difference between a scientist and a gay man?

If you put a scientist near a cave man it's a homo-erectus, put a gay man near a caveman and it's a erect homo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v48jf/whats_the_difference_between_a_scientist_and_a/
%
Bellboy

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v47dc/bellboy/
%
I just saw the sacrifice scene in Apocalypto

It was so heartless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v479j/i_just_saw_the_sacrifice_scene_in_apocalypto/
%
Isn't it funny

how a woman can argue nonstop for 3 hours
but 2 minutes into a blowjob,and her jaw hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v46lc/isnt_it_funny/
%
What did the jew say when he saw the nazi?

Aww shwitz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v465t/what_did_the_jew_say_when_he_saw_the_nazi/
%
Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?"

God replied, "$1 million."
Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?"
God said, "One million years."
Joe asked for a penny.
God said, "Sure, in a minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v4455/joe_asked_god_how_much_is_a_penny_worth_in_heaven/
%
I got really emotional at the petrol station earlier.

I don't know what came over me, I just started filling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v41e1/i_got_really_emotional_at_the_petrol_station/
%
Preaching to a bear

A Catholic priest, an Orthodox priest and a rabbi argue who of them is the best preacher of their faith. The decide to settle the matter by going deep into the woods and trying to convert a bear. When they meet one week later, the Catholic and Orthodox priests are beaming with smug satisfaction, while the rabbi is terribly mauled and in a grim mood.
The Catholic priest relates: "The bear I found was mesmerized by my catechism and readily accepted the truth of the Gospel; he will partake of the Eucharist next Sunday."
The Orthodox priest replies, "My bear was deeply moved by my testimony on the unshakable faith of martyrs, and agreed to be baptized on the spot."
The rabbi says, "Ah, I guess it was a bad idea to start with circumcision..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3ymy/preaching_to_a_bear/
%
The Patch

Two Texas rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a DPS roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba”, Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, throw the bottles under the seat, and peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads.”
“What fer?”, asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?”, said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the trooper said, “You boys been drinkin’?”
“No, sir”, said Earl. “We’re on the patch”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3yf4/the_patch/
%
Son: Hey dad, want to hear a joke?

Dad: Sure son.
Son: Sex.
Dad: I don't get it.
Son: I know you don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3x5u/son_hey_dad_want_to_hear_a_joke/
%
"I hate one-upmanship," said my brother.

"Yeah. Well, I hate it more," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3srh/i_hate_oneupmanship_said_my_brother/
%
The child and his mother:

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3rvz/the_child_and_his_mother/
%
Husband: These orthodox shoes are great

Wife: You mean "orthopaedic" shoes
Husband: I stand corrected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3pq2/husband_these_orthodox_shoes_are_great/
%
You stole my Microsoft office...

For that you will pay, you have my word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3o4x/you_stole_my_microsoft_office/
%
A man sees a lady with big breasts.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3hnp/a_man_sees_a_lady_with_big_breasts/
%
What's the difference between acrobats and high priced hookers? (NSFW)

One has cunning stunts, the other has stunning cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3h3g/whats_the_difference_between_acrobats_and_high/
%
I hear North Korea is coming out with some new cloning technology...

I can't wait to meet Kim Jong-deux.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3gd6/i_hear_north_korea_is_coming_out_with_some_new/
%
How do you tell if somebody is a karma whore?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3f25/how_do_you_tell_if_somebody_is_a_karma_whore/
%
We're so poor

that the tooth fairy gave us food stamps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3e6k/were_so_poor/
%
Teach a man to fish and he will have food for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will complain about how fishing is male-dominated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3cxx/teach_a_man_to_fish_and_he_will_have_food_for_a/
%
Light travels faster than sound

This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3cod/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
Jokes on teamspeak be like...

User 1: Knock knock
User 2: Who's there?
User 1: User
User 2: User who?
*User left your channel*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3chc/jokes_on_teamspeak_be_like/
%
How did Darth Vader figure out what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3c4s/how_did_darth_vader_figure_out_what_luke_was/
%
One day Bruce Wayne learned that his great great great great great great grandmother encountered a vigilante who called himself "The Man of Bats..."

It was his Nana's Nana's Nana's Nana's Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v3a8g/one_day_bruce_wayne_learned_that_his_great_great/
%
A man is on his way into the pub when a nun steps in front of him...

...and says, "Stop! For the sake of your soul, I implore you!"
The man takes a step back and says, "Can I help you with something, sister? I was just on my way in for a pint."
"A pint?" she asks, "Twenty pints is more like it! You were going in there to get drunk, and drunkenness is a sin! And the barkeep sells dirty magazines!"
The man says, "I'm aware of that, sister. In fact, to tell you the truth I intended to buy one."
"Hah!" she says, "And were you going to have something to eat? They serve enormous sandwiches here - far more than any temperate person needs! You'll throw away your soul on drunkenness, lust, and gluttony!"
"Look, sister," says the man, "Have you ever *tried* drunkenness, lust, and gluttony?"
"Of course not," she says, "I am a bride of Christ."
"How about this," he says, "I'll bring you a few things out, you can give them a try, and if you're still dead-set against them I'll listen to what you have to say."
The nun grudgingly agrees. The man goes into the pub and walks up to the bar.
"A pitcher of stout, a Playboy, and a steak sandwich please," he orders, "And the same to go."
"Goddammit," says the barkeep, "is that fucking nun out there again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v36mc/a_man_is_on_his_way_into_the_pub_when_a_nun_steps/
%
What's worse than a worm in your apple

The holocaust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v36iv/whats_worse_than_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v35c8/why_dont_ants_get_sick/
%
What does the Trump administration use instead of emails?

Alternative fax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v34h7/what_does_the_trump_administration_use_instead_of/
%
Why did the skeleton go to the prom alone?

Because he has nobody to go with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v302z/why_did_the_skeleton_go_to_the_prom_alone/
%
I used to have a German girlfriend... [NSFW]

We used to rate our sexual experiences out of 10.
We tried anal once and she yelled out 9! 9! the whole time
My best ever score.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2y70/i_used_to_have_a_german_girlfriend_nsfw/
%
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2y4n/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
%
My sister asked me to take off her clothes

So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
And so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2wa0/my_sister_asked_me_to_take_off_her_clothes/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2tka/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
what do you call an emo acapella group?

Self Harmony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2tk2/what_do_you_call_an_emo_acapella_group/
%
I'm devastated that I won't be able to celebrate my birthday this March

I was born in November

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2taz/im_devastated_that_i_wont_be_able_to_celebrate_my/
%
I like racist jokes as much as I like black people!

I don't like racist jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2nmc/i_like_racist_jokes_as_much_as_i_like_black_people/
%
What do you call an anti-joke?

An anti-joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2lom/what_do_you_call_an_antijoke/
%
How do you keep a Baptist from drinking at your party?

Invite two of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2iyp/how_do_you_keep_a_baptist_from_drinking_at_your/
%
When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.

I screamed, "Lego of me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2hnw/when_i_told_my_ex_girlfriend_that_i_wanted_to/
%
A man gets pulled over by the police for excessive speeding...

The cop approaches the vehicle, cocky and arrogant, and says "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."
The man smiles and says, "Well I got here as fast as I could, officer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2gu7/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_the_police_for/
%
A Classic

A woman puts a love wanted ad in the local paper:  She says she is looking for 3 things. First, a man who will treat her nicely. Second, a man who won't leave her, and finally a man who is a great lover. Some time goes by and the woman begins to give up hope.  A few more days go by when the doorbell rings and she opens it to find an armless, legless man in a wheelchair.   He says, I am here about your love wanted ad. He explains. I don't have any arms so I will never be able to hurt you. I don't have any legs so it will be very hard to leave you.  She looks at him, and how are you as a lover?  He answers, how do you think I rang the doorbell?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2ggz/a_classic/
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Two drunks walk into a bar.

Then the sober guy behind them laughs and walks under it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2gej/two_drunks_walk_into_a_bar/
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The Ant, and Spider,were hanging at the millipede's house...

They ran out of Booze. So being a good host, the Millipede volunteered to get more at the store.
Waited for 2 hours and the millipede was nowhere to be found.
They opened the front door and saw the Millipede was still putting on his shoes ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2ffr/the_ant_and_spiderwere_hanging_at_the_millipedes/
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A flasher went up to two old nuns sitting on a park bench and exposed himself to them. One of them immediately had a stroke...

The other couldn't quite reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v2dke/a_flasher_went_up_to_two_old_nuns_sitting_on_a/
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Do you know Kawasaki bikes?

An Italian man is driving his Ferrari, when a Japanese man on a bike rides to his side and says "Do you know Kawasaki bikes?" before accelerating away.
The Italian, his national pride wounded, chases the Japanese and manages to start to overtake him. As they're side to side again, the Japanese screams "Do you know Kawasaki bikes?" and again accelerates.
The Italian, incredibly pissed off, steps on the gas with a lead foot, tires squealing in every turn, almost losing control of the car, but finally he reaches the Japanese again, who looks at him and mouths the same phrase, this time inaudible through the engine noise, then speeds away.
The Italian gives up and slows down, soon to find the bike crashed to a side of the road and the Japanese crawling out of the bushes. He stops to help him.
— Are you okay?
— Yes... Tell me, do you know Kawasaki bikes?
— I do, why?
— Where... Is brake?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v28ib/do_you_know_kawasaki_bikes/
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What do you call a psychic midget that just robbed a bank?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v27su/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_that_just/
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Boys learning to cuss

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v26d8/boys_learning_to_cuss/
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My lesbian neighbor got me a Rolex for my birthday

I guess they miss understood me when I said "I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v26c7/my_lesbian_neighbor_got_me_a_rolex_for_my_birthday/
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why did the feminist fail algebra?

She couldn't solve inequalities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v20nf/why_did_the_feminist_fail_algebra/
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Bought some shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1ys9/bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was on the Six Offender's Register.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1wmv/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1w89/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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A wife tells her husband on their wedding day...

A wife tells her husband on their wedding day to never open a shoebox that she keeps in their closet. The husband complies. Decades later the wife is on her deathbed and asks for the husband to bing the box and open it. He finds in it two handmade dolls and $25,000 in cash. The wife tells him that every time she got so mad she wanted to kill him, she would redirect that energy into making these dolls.
The husband became teary eyed at the fact that she only became angry at him twice in all these years of marriage.
"What about the cash?" He asked
"Oh, that's the money I made from selling the other dolls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1t8x/a_wife_tells_her_husband_on_their_wedding_day/
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A man walks into a bar

and sees his friend sitting beside a short man, about a foot high, playing the piano.
He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish.
He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."
The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads.
He goes back in and tells his friend what happened, and his friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1ptp/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a peeping Tom and a pick pocket?

One of them snatches watches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1pd4/whats_the_difference_between_a_peeping_tom_and_a/
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As I looked at my naked body in the mirror...

I thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1n2g/as_i_looked_at_my_naked_body_in_the_mirror/
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What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA?

Kicked out the petting zoo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1mca/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_human_dna_and_goat/
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Three Valve employees walk into a bar

and sit down in front of the bartender.
The first employee asked for a pint, and the bartender serves him one graciously.
The second employee asks for two pints, and again the bartender gives him what he wants without question.
The third employee asks for three pints, but this time the bartender doesn't give him what he wants, he only gives him two pints.
The poor lad looks at the bartender and asks him why he didn't get his third pint. The bartender looks at him and says, " You obviously don't work for Valve, they don't do anything more than two".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1kv8/three_valve_employees_walk_into_a_bar/
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Grand dad...

One morning after a fresh rain, a grandfather and his young grandson are walking the property. The grandfather looks down and sees an earthworm emerging from its burrow.
"Okay, sonny, here's a challenge: If you can figure out a way to get that worm back inside his burrow, I'll give you $5.00."
The kid thinks about it for a moment, then dashed off to the house. "Be right back, Grampa!"
He returns a few minutes later with a can of hair spray. He stretches out the worm, sprays it down, and after a minute he picks it up- straight as a board and- PLINK! Right down the hole!
"Very good!" says the proud grandpa. "I'll pay you in the morning."
The next day the kid comes down for breakfast and sees a $50.00 bill sticking out from under his plate.
"But Grandpa, the bet was only for $5.00!"
The grandfather winks and says- "I still owe you the $5.00. That's from your grandma!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1ks4/grand_dad/
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Conjunctivitis.com

A site for sore eyes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1kry/conjunctivitiscom/
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India and Pakistan calling each other out

Kashmir Outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1kdp/india_and_pakistan_calling_each_other_out/
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Little boy...

A single mom and her young son live in a trailer on the outskirts of town.
One night, the little boy gets up to use the bathroom and hears strange sounds coming from his mom's bedroom.
He quietly peeks through the keyhole and sees his mother lying spread-eagle and naked on the bed, touching herself and shouting- "Oh, God! I need a man!"
The next night- same thing- he gets up for a glass of water and hears more strange sounds! He once again looks through the keyhole and- sure enough! There's a man in Mom's bed!
The next night, the mother gets up to use the bathroom and hears strange sounds coming from her son's room. She quietly sneaks over, looks through the keyhole- and sees the kid is lying on his bed, spread-eagle and naked, touching himself:
"Oh, God! I need a bicycle! Oh, God, I need a bicycle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1hl9/little_boy/
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I would make a rape joke but...

It'd be forced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1g9m/i_would_make_a_rape_joke_but/
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I really wanted to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers

But the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v1ezi/i_really_wanted_to_buy_one_of_those_grocery/
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Testing Products on Animals

Worker: We shouldn't test our products on animals
Boss: Don't worry, shampoo companies do it all the time.
Worker: ...but we make dildos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v177m/testing_products_on_animals/
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My wife and I went to see a marriage counsellor.

The woman said, "How many times a week do the two of you have sex?"
My wife said, "One or two."
Things got awkward when I said, "Five or six."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v15g9/my_wife_and_i_went_to_see_a_marriage_counsellor/
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What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v15ck/whats_black_and_screams/
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I just read something interesting...

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4
passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The
1st passenger said "I am Stephen Curry, the best
NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my
millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to
die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the
newly-elected US President, and I am the
smartest President in American history, so my
people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd
pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd
passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a
10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and
don't have many years left, you have more years
ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have
the last parachute." The little boy said, "That's
okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for
you. America 's smartest President took my
schoolbag."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0zj2/i_just_read_something_interesting/
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[OC] My friend recently taught his dog how to say "I love you"

I'm still trying to teach my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0y8e/oc_my_friend_recently_taught_his_dog_how_to_say_i/
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I took the girl from my maths class on a date

We met for a few drinks at the bar on campus. After a while I took a look around the room.
"Wow, you're the most average girl in here."
"What?! You're mean!" She screamed.
"No, you are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0td3/i_took_the_girl_from_my_maths_class_on_a_date/
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How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.
Men can be Feminists, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0qzg/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0qxm/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_at/
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The bible is 100% accurate

when thrown from close range.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0q1w/the_bible_is_100_accurate/
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Why did the communist fail his exam?

He didn't get full Marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0nxn/why_did_the_communist_fail_his_exam/
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What's the difference between white women and Muslim women?

White women get stoned *before* sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0mgw/whats_the_difference_between_white_women_and/
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I send *so* many dick pics

My urologist should not have given me his number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0ll4/i_send_so_many_dick_pics/
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The president of Russia is the greatest of them all!

There's no disPutin it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0hkw/the_president_of_russia_is_the_greatest_of_them/
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A guy walks into the bar with an octopus under his arm.

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man.
"Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0hab/a_guy_walks_into_the_bar_with_an_octopus_under/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0ca9/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
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I bought some drugs from the old lady who lives in a shoe.

They turned out to be laced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0bup/i_bought_some_drugs_from_the_old_lady_who_lives/
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A truck diver stops at a diner for a meal...

And he sits at a booth to enjoy his meal. Soon enough, 3 bikers enter the diner and go and sit at the bar stools. Soon enough, the 3 bikers were causing troubles. One of them threw his meal at the other customers, another began hassling customers, and the third dumped his drink on the waitress. Having enough of their actions, the truck driver paid and left. One of the bikers remarked "he's not much of a fighter now, is he?" To his reply, the waiter said "he's not much of a truck driver either" as the truck driver plowed through the 3 bikes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0btv/a_truck_diver_stops_at_a_diner_for_a_meal/
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As a guy I hate peeing in the morning.

It's too hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v0anb/as_a_guy_i_hate_peeing_in_the_morning/
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The Invisible Masturbator strikes again!

Nobody saw him coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v09q5/the_invisible_masturbator_strikes_again/
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I got pulled over by the police ...

He came to the window and said papers ...
I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5v069e/i_got_pulled_over_by_the_police/
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What does a politician and a meteorologist have in common?

You won't lose your job if you are wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uzwdz/what_does_a_politician_and_a_meteorologist_have/
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I take a long time to wipe after I'm done with the bathroom...

You could say I'm pretty anal about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uzup7/i_take_a_long_time_to_wipe_after_im_done_with_the/
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A daughter goes up to her father...

Daughter: Dad
Dad: Yes?
Daughter: I'm lesbian
Dad: Alright...
Daughter 2: Dad
Dad: What is it?
Daughter 2: I'm also lesbian
Dad: Goddamnit, does anyone like boys anymore?
Son: I do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uzue5/a_daughter_goes_up_to_her_father/
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My dad tried to tell me a joke once

But then he left during the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uzr6k/my_dad_tried_to_tell_me_a_joke_once/
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My wife looked at me with her sexy eyes and said "I want you make me scream with 2 fingers baby"

So I poked her in the eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uzqvo/my_wife_looked_at_me_with_her_sexy_eyes_and_said/
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Life is hard in a band

Me and the guys started a rock band, we call it 1023MB. But no matter how hard we look we cant find a gig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uznr3/life_is_hard_in_a_band/
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I'm reading a book on how soil is added to the farmland.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uzlq8/im_reading_a_book_on_how_soil_is_added_to_the/
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Two 8 year olds

I was listening to two 8 year olds talking. One said to the other, "I found a condom behind a radiator," then the other said, "What's a radiator?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uzlpd/two_8_year_olds/
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 tablets at me.

The injuries were superfishoil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uzhg1/someone_threw_a_bottle_of_omega_3_tablets_at_me/
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When talking about opinions on border control, Remember:

Lefty loosey
Righty tighty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uzeb6/when_talking_about_opinions_on_border_control/
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How do you turn Siri on?

Talk dirty to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uzdlh/how_do_you_turn_siri_on/
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A penguin has car trouble and calls a mechanic

The mechanic arrives and says, "Not exactly sure what the problem is, I'll probably need 30 minutes before I can give an accurate diagnostic"
So the penguin walks down the street and buys an ice cream cone, sits on a bench outside and while he's eating the ice cream cone he falls asleep, getting ice cream all over his stomach. He wakes up an hour later and sprints off to his car and mechanic.
"Sorry I'm late!", says the penguin.
"Well, looks like you blew a seal", the mechanic says
"What? No I was just eating ice cream" replies the penguin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uzcq2/a_penguin_has_car_trouble_and_calls_a_mechanic/
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An old Tahitian legend...

As the legend goes, when the Tahitians first found their island, after they had settled in, they decided to build a grand central hall for their new settlement. Unlike contemporary Europeans, though, they built their dwellings not out of timber or stone but out of the materials they had at hand: reeds, palm fronds, bamboo, and the like.
One thing they did fashion out of wood, though--specifically teak: an ornate central chair meant to grace the hall and serve as a seat for the bold mariner who had led them to their new home, who the other now-settled wanderers intended to name their first king at the feast celebrating the hall's completion.
To that end, they hid the carved chair in the small space between the hall's woven ceiling and roof, to be lowered dramatically as they surprised the mariner with his new crown.
Unfortunately, the heavy wooden object instead fell through the flimsy rattan ceiling just as they were crowning him, crushing him to death.
The moral of the story? People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uz8x1/an_old_tahitian_legend/
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What do you call an ISIS member with Tourette's?

A ticking time bomb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uz8gz/what_do_you_call_an_isis_member_with_tourettes/
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What does a child going on a slide and a French girl having sex have in common?

"Weeeeeeeeee Weeeeeeeeee Weeeeeeeeee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uz791/what_does_a_child_going_on_a_slide_and_a_french/
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A Hanes commercial came on while I was watching T.V. with my daughter. She turned and said, "oh please Dad, don't act like you never wore tighty whities...

I responded, "Yes, there was a brief period."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uz3vm/a_hanes_commercial_came_on_while_i_was_watching/
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An Iranian, Iraqi, Libyan, Somalian, Sudanese, Syrian and a Yemenite walk into a bar in america.

Just kidding, they can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uz37f/an_iranian_iraqi_libyan_somalian_sudanese_syrian/
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An ant walks into a bar with his good friend Mister No, who is not an ant.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. We only serve ants here."
The ant says, "But this is my good friend Mister No."
The bartender says, "Sorry, but I don't take No for an ant, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uz338/an_ant_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_good_friend/
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Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyyxg/two_five_year_old_boys_are_standing_at_the_toilet/
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Is Google a boy or girl?

Girl because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyybe/is_google_a_boy_or_girl/
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What did the proctologist do to his traumatized male patient?

He rectum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyy2f/what_did_the_proctologist_do_to_his_traumatized/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer....

The barman says to the customer 'Sorry, I've got to change the barrel' and disappears into the back.
Whilst he's waiting the man notices a bowl of peanuts on the side and goes to take a handful. Just as he's about to grab them the peanuts suddenly start to speak, 'You're a handsome chap! Have you lost a bit of weight recently! You are quite the catch - any woman would be lucky to have you!' The man regarded the peanuts oddly but shook his head and left the bar area in search of a packet of smokes.
Located in the corner of the pub was a coin operated cigarette machine. The man reached into his pocket grabbed his change and was about to put his first coin when suddenly the cigarette machine started to speak, 'wow! You've had a hard life! Gained a bit of weight? Few extra grey hairs on your head....welcome to middle age pal! You do not wear it well'! The man was understandably shocked and backed away to the bar where his pint was now being prepared.
The customer turned to the bar and said, 'What the hell is going on?!?? That bowl of peanuts said I've lost weight and look good for my age whilst that cigarette machine said I was fat and middle aged!'
The barman said. 'I do apologise sir! The peanuts are complementary but the cigarette machines out of order'!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyut9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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How the Fukarwe Indians got their Name:

The Fukarwe Indians lived in Utah about 2,000 years ago.
They were a peaceful tribe and lived in Teepees on the prarie.
One day it started raining heavily.......and kept on raining.
The prarie started to flood and they were forced to move to higher ground.
And the rain kept coming......and the tribe had to move to higher and higher ground.
Until they found themselves at the top of a mountain.
And the Chief raised his hands to the Sky and shouted.
Where the Fukarwe!!!!..........z

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyuex/how_the_fukarwe_indians_got_their_name/
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I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uysvs/i_call_my_wife_bambi/
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I tripped and fell while mountain-climbing...

It all went down hill from there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyrdy/i_tripped_and_fell_while_mountainclimbing/
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Do you think an orange wants to be juice?

Or is it just pear pressure?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyok5/do_you_think_an_orange_wants_to_be_juice/
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What do toys and boobs have in common?

They were both intended for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyns2/what_do_toys_and_boobs_have_in_common/
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How do you pronounce oddly spelt Welsh words?

Caerphilly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uylfl/how_do_you_pronounce_oddly_spelt_welsh_words/
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You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyjlp/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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They say Nintendo doesn't make third party games...

*Pulls out Mario Party 3*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyjf3/they_say_nintendo_doesnt_make_third_party_games/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyiin/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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Professor Snape and Eearmus

There was once a terribly misbehaving student at Hogwarts. His name was Eearmus. He wouldn't finish his homework or practice any of his incantations. The teachers were getting really impatient with Eearmus.
One day, Eearmus was extra mischievous and decided to play a prank on professor Snape.
Professor Snape was livid with Eearmus and took him to the headmasters office immediately.
"You've really done it this time Eearmus! The headmaster will not show you any more kindness." Said professor Snape as he hurried Eearmus down the hall to Dumbledore's office.
"What do you think we should do about Eearmus's behaviour, professor?" asked Dumbledore.
Without hesitation professor Snape screamed "EXPEL EEARMUS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyhuf/professor_snape_and_eearmus/
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Girl, can I be your derivative?

Because I want to lay on your curves at one point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyh07/girl_can_i_be_your_derivative/
%
You know you're fat when you take change out of your pocket ...

then realize you're naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyfwe/you_know_youre_fat_when_you_take_change_out_of/
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I have a sexy body

In the trunk of my Corolla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyfh6/i_have_a_sexy_body/
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Everyone always told me to chase my dreams

Now Emma Watson has a restraining order against me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyerz/everyone_always_told_me_to_chase_my_dreams/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyeme/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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Its tough to be Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him.
Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uyc3u/its_tough_to_be_irish/
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Buying condoms

I was buying condoms at the store and the cashier asked if I wanted a bag. "No" I said, "She's not that ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uy90n/buying_condoms/
%
Why was the photographer always depressed?

He could only see the negatives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uy7xu/why_was_the_photographer_always_depressed/
%
I was shocked to find my son having sex with our dog in the garden.

I had no idea our dog was gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uy7xc/i_was_shocked_to_find_my_son_having_sex_with_our/
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I went to a house of mirrors with my wife. She looked at me and laughed. She said, "You look so fucking ugly!"

"Alright, calm down," I said. "At least wait until we've got to the house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uy7rh/i_went_to_a_house_of_mirrors_with_my_wife_she/
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What do you get when you put root beer in a square shaped glass?

A beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uy448/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_root_beer_in_a/
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My wife's pregnant. She wondered if it's really hot in there for the baby.

I said, "It's likely womb-temperature."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uy3xv/my_wifes_pregnant_she_wondered_if_its_really_hot/
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Telling a Dad joke is like collecting horse semen

It takes skill to pull them off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uy2r1/telling_a_dad_joke_is_like_collecting_horse_semen/
%
Its tough to be Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him.
Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uxzi3/its_tough_to_be_irish/
%
An 80 year old man goes for his annual checkup

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said: "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen."
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked him how he knew that.
"Why," the old man, "I must live a good, clean life or the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc looked a little concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you."
"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental conditions. He told me every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Why that rascal," she said. "I thought someone has been peeing in the refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uxyb1/an_80_year_old_man_goes_for_his_annual_checkup/
%
My friend said his wife doesn't do anal with him. Poor guy, I know how he feels.

She doesn't do it with me either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uxpr0/my_friend_said_his_wife_doesnt_do_anal_with_him/
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What did the crew do when Blackbeard died?

Switched on the auto-pirate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uxpiz/what_did_the_crew_do_when_blackbeard_died/
%
Johnny and Jane were walking near a building site (long).

Jane asked "Do you wanna see a neat way to make some money?"
Johnny replied "O... o... okay. H... h... how d... d... do you do it?"
(he has an unfortunate stutter)
"Follow me", said Jane.
She led him up to the top of the five story building that's under construction.
"See that guy down there?", she said, pointing at a man standing on the footpath.
"W... w... what about him?", asked Johnny.
"Watch this", she said. She kicked a brick over the edge towards the man.
"Falling Brick! Watch out!", she shouted.
The man looked up and leapt out of the way just in time. Jane grabbed Johnny's hand and they ran downstairs to the man on the footpath.
"We saw that brick teetering and fall", said Jane, "you were so lucky that it didn't hit you!"
"Yes indeed", said the man, "I was very lucky. I am glad that you saw it and warned me."
"Any chance of a reward?", Jane asked cheekily.
"Okay, I guess", said the man and he handed her $20.
"Thanks! Lets go!", said Jane and she led Johnny back to the top of the building.
"Your turn now", said Jane, pointing to another man standing on the other side of the building, "just kick a brick at him and shout 'Falling Brick!' to warn him".
Johnny lined up a brick and kicked it towards the man.
"F... F... F... F...   Fuck, I hit him!", said Johnny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uxnz4/johnny_and_jane_were_walking_near_a_building_site/
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A lot of effort goes into my erections.

They're all handmade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uxnx3/a_lot_of_effort_goes_into_my_erections/
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[NSFW] How do you make a hormone?

You stick your dick in them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uxntr/nsfw_how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
A man wakes up one morning to...

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uxmrl/a_man_wakes_up_one_morning_to/
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she.........

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uxjvz/a_young_blonde_woman_is_distraught_because_she/
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Falling penis...

A woman comes home from work early, only to find her husband in bed with the tramp from next door for the third time.
"Lenny! I told you the next time I catch you cheating on me- it's coming off and it's going out the window!"
She runs to the kitchen, grabs a butchers knife and runs back into the bedroom. They wrestle. The tramp shrieks in horror. Finally, she gets hold of it and SLICE! Off it comes!
The woman strides victoriously over to the window and drops it out as promised!
Down below, a father and his young daughter are driving in their SUV and it hits the windshield with a thud.
"Daddy! Cries the girl- "What was THAT?!?"
The father knows damned well what it was, but what's he gonna say?
"Um... that? Uh... that was just a bug, Sweetheart!"
The little girl is quiet for a moment, then-
"That was a bug, Daddy?"
"Yep!"
"Well did you see the size of the cock on that thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uxgt7/falling_penis/
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What's the difference between a gun and a feminist?

The gun doesn't bitch about the patriarchy when it gets fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uxfde/whats_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a_feminist/
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Why could Jesus have never been born in Australia?

Seriously, you really think you're going to find 3 wise men and a virgin down there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uxd90/why_could_jesus_have_never_been_born_in_australia/
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A Native American's youngest son asked him a question

"Father, how did you get the inspiration for naming your children?"
The father smiled at him and replied, "Well, the moment that each of my children were born, I went outside the tent and the first thing I saw I named my child after. Like your brother, when he was born I rushed outside and saw an eagle soaring in the sky, so I named him Soaring Eagle."
"Oh, what about my sister?"
"Same method, the moment she was born, I went outside and saw a deer running across the plain. So her name was Running Deer."
The father paused a moment before looking quizzically at his youngest, "Why do you ask such questions, Two Dogs Fucking?"
--------
Sorry if this has been posted before, I haven't been browsing /r/jokes very long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uxagg/a_native_americans_youngest_son_asked_him_a/
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I sexually identify as a measurement of speed

Cuz I'm a loner and wanna km/s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ux9fn/i_sexually_identify_as_a_measurement_of_speed/
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My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

Imagine her surprise when they all agreed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ux84c/my_exgirlfriend_tried_to_humiliate_me_by_telling/
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My sister sat on my glasses and broke them...

I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ux74a/my_sister_sat_on_my_glasses_and_broke_them/
%
Sergeant says to Corporal: "I didn't see you in our camouflage class"

CPL replies: Thank you sir!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ux5w3/sergeant_says_to_corporal_i_didnt_see_you_in_our/
%
When I get home im going to tear my wife's bra right off

The straps are killing me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ux4xx/when_i_get_home_im_going_to_tear_my_wifes_bra/
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I was talking to a friend's little girl...

I was talking to a friend's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,
'If you were to be the President, what's the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that.
You can come over to my house and mow the grass, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds, 'cause she's only 6.
And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ux4te/i_was_talking_to_a_friends_little_girl/
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Little Johnny

and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. "My Father is better than your Father!" Billy declared.
"No, he's not!" Johnny responded.
"My brother is better than you brother!" Billy said.
"He is not! He is not!" Yelled Little Johnny.
"My Mother is better than your Mother!" Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ux4m6/little_johnny/
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Why you can't use 'Beef Stew' as a password..

Because is not stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ux493/why_you_cant_use_beef_stew_as_a_password/
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I accidently bought a fleshlight instead of a flashlight.

When the power went out I was screwed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ux1w3/i_accidently_bought_a_fleshlight_instead_of_a/
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A doctor talking to his patient

The doctor walks up bearing bad news, he says" I'm sorry sir but you have a rare form of cancer in your leg."
The patient responds asking if there was any way to amputate to stop the spread.
Doctor then says that he has a rare blood type and it was not possible with their current supplies.
No-one in the area was willing to donate his for his specific blood type.
The news gets to the patient and he becomes pale.
The doctor says that there is no need to cry.
The patient responded that he was a pessimist, and the only way he could get through it is to B negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ux0w5/a_doctor_talking_to_his_patient/
%
How does a woman with breast implants sing?

With a false set-o

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uwz2u/how_does_a_woman_with_breast_implants_sing/
%
What did Mohammed Ali do after converting to Islam?

He-jab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uwy4a/what_did_mohammed_ali_do_after_converting_to_islam/
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I tried to make a belt by attaching all of my old wristwatches together.

It was a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uwuue/i_tried_to_make_a_belt_by_attaching_all_of_my_old/
%
I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

He just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uwsaj/i_thought_my_son_would_like_that_i_bought_him_a/
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Communist jokes aren't funny...

Unless everyone get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uwrwp/communist_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Blonde father

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, “All right, who’s the other father?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uwqqh/blonde_father/
%
I'm dating an older woman. When i go down you know what it tastes like?

Depends...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uwp8n/im_dating_an_older_woman_when_i_go_down_you_know/
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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller gets through,
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uwoyj/a_radio_station_in_ireland_is_taking_calls_to/
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I started teaching a rope tying class a couple hours before a depression support group

It was incredibly successful but it died out quick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uwntd/i_started_teaching_a_rope_tying_class_a_couple/
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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite

He said NaBrO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uwk6m/i_asked_the_guy_sitting_next_to_me_if_he_had_any/
%
What do you get from too many bong hits?

A chronic injury.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uwf24/what_do_you_get_from_too_many_bong_hits/
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After sex joke with my wife

(Posting because my wife and I both ended up laughing out laugh, but if this isn't appropriate, please delete it)
After the deed has finished, laying there:
Wife: penises are weird
Me: vaginas are weird
Wife: it's weird having something dangle down there
Me: it's weird having a big hole down there
Wife: I'm glad I don't have a penis
Me: I'm glad I don't have a vagina
Wife: I'm glad I'm a woman
Me: Me too, or this wouldn't be happening

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uwd28/after_sex_joke_with_my_wife/
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What's the best thing about being 113 years old?

No peer pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uwc3d/whats_the_best_thing_about_being_113_years_old/
%
A man and a small child...

Walk in to a dark forest
"I'm scared" the child says
"You're scared?" The man says "I have to walk back alone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uwb80/a_man_and_a_small_child/
%
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink

When he asks how much, the bartender says "for you, no charge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uw4qx/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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Smart Dachshund

An rich old lady decides to go on safari in Africa, along with her little pet dachshund, Frankie.
They set up camp and it isn't long before Frankie begins to explore his new surroundings.
Suddenly he finds himself far from the camp and feels eyes on him. Up in a tree is a large jaguar, ready to pounce and make poor Frankie his dinner!
Thinking fast- he spies some old animal bones under some leaves and begins gnawing on them!
"Mmmmm mmmmm! That was one dee-lish-ous jaguar! I sure hope another one comes along soon, as I can't seem to get enough jaguar in me! I'm starving!"
The jaguar hears this and thinks- "Holy shit! I don't know what this thing is, but I'd better not tangle with it!"
The jaguar takes off in a flash.
Meanwhile, a monkey sees this whole thing go down and thinks to himself- "That jaguar is an idiot! I can't believe he fell for that! I'm going to go find him and tell him what's what- and then he'll owe me a favor!
The monkey takes off after the jaguar and Frankie suspects he's been busted.
Sure enough, the monkey catches up with and frightened jaguar and coaches him.
"Listen- are you outta' your mind? That thing can't eat you! Did you see the size of it? I mean- think about it! You need to go back there and show him who's boss around here!"
The jaguar says- "Hop aboard!" and they take off running!
A minute later they're back- and Frankie is right where he was.
The jaguar closes in, the silent killer. Closer... closer... Poor Frankie is doomed!
But then, Frankie thinks fast and shouts out- "Hey! Where the hell is that monkey! He was supposed to bring me a fresh jaguar five minutes ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvxvn/smart_dachshund/
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I saw an electronic sign that said 'Check Your Speed' in flashing lights.

Lucky I did, it had almost fallen out of my pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvxn5/i_saw_an_electronic_sign_that_said_check_your/
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What does IDK mean?

I keep asking people, but they don't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvwl5/what_does_idk_mean/
%
Tried changing my password to "14days"

but it was two week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvukt/tried_changing_my_password_to_14days/
%
Why did the duck cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvozu/why_did_the_duck_cross_the_road/
%
A plastic surgeon invented a new experimental facelift technique called The Dial.

It consisted of installing a dial on the top of the patients head that could be rotated to tighten the skin. A woman signs up for the procedure and every goes well until she returns to him a couple weeks later.
"Doctor, everything was going fine, but a few days ago I noticed that I was developing bags under my eyes."
The doctor sits the woman down and takes a look. A few minutes later he stands up and tells the women; "Ma'am, those arent bags under your eyes, those are you breasts.
With a surprised look on her face, she respond "Hmm, well that explains the goatee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvm2q/a_plastic_surgeon_invented_a_new_experimental/
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What do Michael Jackson and an oyster have in common?

Both come on little white crackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvl8v/what_do_michael_jackson_and_an_oyster_have_in/
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Have you guys heard of the new semen-based hair gel?

It's the next generation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvkzo/have_you_guys_heard_of_the_new_semenbased_hair_gel/
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My town is in trouble after hosting a feline grooming competition where they gave an award for the cleanliness of your cat's rectum.

It's a cat-ass-trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvk8e/my_town_is_in_trouble_after_hosting_a_feline/
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A husband, wife and their young son prepare to have guests over.

As they are preparing, the father spills sauce on his shoes and says 'Shit'. The son asks what shit means and the father replies, 'It's just another word for "Shoes"'.
Later, the mother is cutting carrots for the meal. She cuts herself with the knife and shouts 'Fuck!'. The son asks what fuck means and the mother replies, It's just another word for "Cut"'.
The son then goes upstairs. The father is shaving in the bathroom and he nicks his face with the razor. He says 'Bollocks'. His son asks what bollocks means and the father replies, 'It's just another word for "Face"'.
Just then there is a knock at the door and the son runs down to answer it. He opens the door to see the guests have arrived. He welcomes them saying, 'Wipe your shit on the mat and come on in!. My mom is in the kitchen fucking the carrots and my dad is just upstairs shaving his bollocks'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvk1e/a_husband_wife_and_their_young_son_prepare_to/
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Parents save more by not vaccinating their children

Baby coffins aren't that expensive compared to the costs of raising a child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvinv/parents_save_more_by_not_vaccinating_their/
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Why did the network admins go to to hooters?

To see the the server racks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvd6p/why_did_the_network_admins_go_to_to_hooters/
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Fifty Shades got $47 Million at the box office...

There seems to be a lot of women who don't get offended by a billionaire grabbing a girl by the pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvcxn/fifty_shades_got_47_million_at_the_box_office/
%
What's got three thumbs and is bad at maths?

THIS guy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvcbz/whats_got_three_thumbs_and_is_bad_at_maths/
%
Human beings are very intelligent.

I wish I could post this somewhere else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvcb9/human_beings_are_very_intelligent/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

Without a penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvb3p/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Which country is the douchiest in the entire world?

Chad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uvagw/which_country_is_the_douchiest_in_the_entire_world/
%
Someone just threw a bottle of omega fish oil at me!

Luckily my injuries were only super-fish-oil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uv8ld/someone_just_threw_a_bottle_of_omega_fish_oil_at/
%
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uv73m/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do a cheezit and a hungry white stoner have in common?

Both are baked snack crackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uv62e/what_do_a_cheezit_and_a_hungry_white_stoner_have/
%
Why do the riot police come to work early?

To beat the crowds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uv5ov/why_do_the_riot_police_come_to_work_early/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I was distracted...

I wish I had a puppy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uv59i/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_was_distracted/
%
Trump isn't a piece of shit

Shit tends to improve land not destroy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uv56t/trump_isnt_a_piece_of_shit/
%
What is a pornstars favorite drink?

7 up n cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uv3zq/what_is_a_pornstars_favorite_drink/
%
I'm holding a convention for people who can't orgasm

If you can't come, let me know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uv3cn/im_holding_a_convention_for_people_who_cant_orgasm/
%
How to fall down the stairs:

Step 1
Step 6
Step 7
Step 8
Step 9
Step 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uv2il/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
%
Roses are red, Violets are blue

Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uv1dl/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
What's worse than two babies in a plastic bag ?

A baby in two plastic bags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uv0ff/whats_worse_than_two_babies_in_a_plastic_bag/
%
The first time I asked a woman to sleep with me my hands were shaking and I was sweating uncontrollably

I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uv02o/the_first_time_i_asked_a_woman_to_sleep_with_me/
%
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuzls/my_exgirlfriend_tried_to_humiliate_me_by_telling/
%
My cannabalistic friend really pissed me off...

So I gave him a piece of my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuyy7/my_cannabalistic_friend_really_pissed_me_off/
%
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuyfb/how_many_freudian_analysts_does_it_take_to_change/
%
Two blind pilots enter a plane

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says :
"You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuy4u/two_blind_pilots_enter_a_plane/
%
As a family we couldn't decide whether to have grandma buried or cremated

So in the end, we let her live.
(Gary Delaney)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuxuf/as_a_family_we_couldnt_decide_whether_to_have/
%
Being single means...

...that you come in handy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuxsh/being_single_means/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

Man I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuxgb/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
An old man is sitting on his porch...

When a young man comes walking by with a sack full of duct tape. "What are you gonna do with all that duct tape?" The old man asks.
"I'm going to go get me some ducks."
The old man laughs, "You stupid kids these days, that's not gonna to work!" He laughs and laughs as the young man walks off.
A little while later the young man comes back with a sack full of ducks. "Well I'll be..." the old man says scratching his head.
Next day, same young man comes back with a big roll of chicken wire. "What the hell you gonna do with that chicken wire?"
"I'm going to go get me some chickens."
The old man laughs again, "Ah hell son, you may got lucky with them ducks but this ain't gonna work!" Again, the young man walks off to the sound of laughter.
A little while later the young man comes back with a whole mess of chickens. "Son of a..."
Next day the young man comes back with a bunch of stuff in his arms. The old looks at him, "whattya got now?"
"Some pussy willow"
"Hold on, let me get my hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uux7k/an_old_man_is_sitting_on_his_porch/
%
What do astronauts use to enhance their performance?

Asteroids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uux6k/what_do_astronauts_use_to_enhance_their/
%
What did the wrench from New York say to the guy who kept interrupting him?

Hey, I'm torque'in over here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuvbm/what_did_the_wrench_from_new_york_say_to_the_guy/
%
If I Had a [currency] For Every [action],

I would do more of [action].

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuv1z/if_i_had_a_currency_for_every_action/
%
I found a girlfriend who's into bees.

She's a keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuu07/i_found_a_girlfriend_whos_into_bees/
%
A Priest, Rabbi and a duck all walk into a bar together

The bartender looks up and says, "what the hell is this, some sort of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuszs/a_priest_rabbi_and_a_duck_all_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why is a calculator my best friend?

Because I can always count on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uurkd/why_is_a_calculator_my_best_friend/
%
I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...

That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuqil/i_hear_kim_jungun_has_read_every_book_ever_written/
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Mom: Son, why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends!

**Son:** Well, would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?
**Mom:** Of course not!
**Son:** Well, neither would he.﻿
Credit- Some guy on Youtube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuqcs/mom_son_why_dont_you_talk_to_steven_anymore_you/
%
My Grandfather died in the concentration camps during the holocaust....

....poor bastard fell out of his gun tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuo3o/my_grandfather_died_in_the_concentration_camps/
%
I had to write an essay on plagiarism today

I couldn't think of anything so I just copied the guy sitting next to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uul76/i_had_to_write_an_essay_on_plagiarism_today/
%
So a blind man walks into a bar,

and a bus stop, and a fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuit1/so_a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuiby/two_cannibals_a_father_and_son_were_elected_by/
%
I just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I burn brownies in the oven while I nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuhq2/i_just_burned_2000_calories/
%
How does a Native American scratch his balls?

With a scrotum pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uufzd/how_does_a_native_american_scratch_his_balls/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar

They walk up to the bartender and the first one says:
"I'll have a glass of H2O."
The other then says to his companion:
"Why don't you just say water? I understand that we're chemists an all that, but you don't need to walk around using random terms!"
The first chemist, frustrated, needs to rethink his assassination plot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uufsj/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Trump finally addressed the Russian claims!

He was quoted "I did not have foreign relations with that country."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uuet5/trump_finally_addressed_the_russian_claims/
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I fed my chickens a chicken wing...

I guess you could say they enjoyed themselves. *ba dum tss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uudou/i_fed_my_chickens_a_chicken_wing/
%
How is a bar similar to a woman?

Liquor in the front and poker in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uubq8/how_is_a_bar_similar_to_a_woman/
%
My wife found a constitution under the bed

She doesn't believe that I just read it for the articles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uu924/my_wife_found_a_constitution_under_the_bed/
%
I translated a Slovak joke

In a certain village lived a widow with her 15 year old daughter and 9 year old son. One day, the daughter asks her mother if she can go out and visit her friend. The mother let her go, but since she was very paranoid and wanted her daughter to remain a virgin until she got married, she sent her little brother to spy on her in case she was up to no good. A few hours later, the boy comes back.
**"Where is she?"**
"I think she's on her way."
**"What did you see?"**
"Well, I followed her, just as you said. She went to some house I haven't seen before. A guy was waiting outside."
**"And then?"**
"He hugged her, kissed her, they started whispering something and took off to the forest"
**"And then?!"**
"I followed after them. They hid in some bushes on the edge of the forest. He took off his pants and she rolled up her skirt."
**"AND THEN?!"**
"Well, it was cold, dark, and I didn't need to shit, so I went home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uu8q0/i_translated_a_slovak_joke/
%
Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is an Islamic refugee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uu87w/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
Getting laid is a lot like winning a war.

Its way easier in a third world country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uu7z3/getting_laid_is_a_lot_like_winning_a_war/
%
The French Quarter in New Orleans seems to have gotten cleaner in the last decade

Almost as if it had been washed up or something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uu4yu/the_french_quarter_in_new_orleans_seems_to_have/
%
What do they eat in South Korea?

Seoul food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uu1gt/what_do_they_eat_in_south_korea/
%
A farmer is being interviewed about his cows

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uu0iz/a_farmer_is_being_interviewed_about_his_cows/
%
What is the German Word for Constipation?

Farfrompoopen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5utzj8/what_is_the_german_word_for_constipation/
%
I just watched a documentary on Marijuana.

I recommend all documentaries be watched this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5utz14/i_just_watched_a_documentary_on_marijuana/
%
How did the chocolatier escape police custody?

He had a few twix up his sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uty98/how_did_the_chocolatier_escape_police_custody/
%
What becomes more wet the more it dries?

Me after doing the dishes. I love cleaning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5utx9m/what_becomes_more_wet_the_more_it_dries/
%
If I keep making all these Pho-related puns...

...eventually they're gonna bahn mi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5utwa3/if_i_keep_making_all_these_phorelated_puns/
%
3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.
Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"
So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.
Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, looks like you cheated on your wife TWICE! You are going to drive around heaven in an Accord!"
He gets into his car and drives through the gates.
Peter calls the third man up and says, "You cheated on your wife FIVE TIMES. You are going to be driving around in a ford pinto!"
But, when the third man drives through the gates, he sees the person in the Ferrari on the side of the rode and he's crying.
The man asks, "Why are you crying??? You got the nicest car out of all of us!!"
He replies, "I just saw my wife ride by on a skateboard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5utvpq/3_men_are_in_line_to_get_into_heaven/
%
Two factory workers talking:

Woman: “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
Man: “And how would you do that?”
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: “What are you doing?”
Woman: “I’m a light bulb.”
Boss: “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says: “Where are you going?”
The man says: “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5utrex/two_factory_workers_talking/
%
Three sons go to their father on his deathbed...

A father of three - a man of considerable wealth and creator of a veritable empire - lies on his deathbed in the final hours of his life. His sons - all vying to inherit his wealth - stand by his side, arguing over who should take the kingdom.
"I am the smartest," says one.
"But I am the bravest," replies another.
The youngest - last in line to inherit - says nothing.
"Sons, sons! Stop this bickering. The inheritor or my vast wealth, of all my lands and riches, will be decided by a task."
"Father," cries the first son, "Whatever it is, I shall prove my worth! I will show you that your kingdom will be in safe hands with me! Name the task!"
The father breaths a laboured breath and then regards his first son.
"My firstborn, you shall journey to the furthest, storm-tossed seas of the great West. There, you will search the unfathomable depths for the long-lost wreck of the HMS Gordimer. Deep within her bowels, there lies a treasure chest. Inside that chest is the incredibly rare Gem of Kings. Bring that, and you shall have my blessing."
The son beams, prepares his horse and travelling train, and leaves on his quest.
"What is my task, father?" asks the second son. "Tell me! For your kingdom, for your blessing, nothing is impossible!"
"My son, you shall travel East. There, deep within the jungles of the Gargadian jungles, you will find the vicious and savage saber-toothed Bear. WIth just your hands, bring me its heart. Do this, and you shall have my blessing."
The son packs his things and begins his tough journey.
"And me father?" asks the last son. "What is my task? What dangerous quest will you have me do?"
The father just looks at him.
"My boy," he says. "Get me a Coke. I never liked those cunts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5utp6n/three_sons_go_to_their_father_on_his_deathbed/
%
What's the difference between a preschool and a brothel?

You mean you don't know the difference?  You sick fucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5utoui/whats_the_difference_between_a_preschool_and_a/
%
I made a java program to tell me my purpose.

It keeps saying "Null point exception", so it works great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5utnj6/i_made_a_java_program_to_tell_me_my_purpose/
%
A preacher, a priest, and a rabbi ....

A preacher, a priest, and a rabbi are walking together on a hot summer day. They happen upon a nice looking pond and decide to take a dip. Having no clothes to change into; they agree to skiny dip. Just as the three are getting into the pond they hear a group of people approaching the pond down the same path that their clothes are on.
The preacher decides to make a run for it. He covers his privates and makes the run to his clothes. Upon seeing the preachers success; the priest makes a run for it following the preachers method.
The rabbi, being the last one left in the pond, quickly covers his face and makes a run for the spot where his clothes are at. After making it the run and putting his clothes back on, the three of the see the group of people pass giggling and whispering to themselves.
Once out of earshot, the preacher and the priest turn to the rabbi and ask why he ran the way that he did. The rabbi responded; I don't know what kind of churches you guys have, but the people at mine recognize me by my face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5utl56/a_preacher_a_priest_and_a_rabbi/
%
The batteries in my flashlight died

I was delighted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5utklm/the_batteries_in_my_flashlight_died/
%
What did Donald Trump say to the nuclear missiles?

You're fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5utitv/what_did_donald_trump_say_to_the_nuclear_missiles/
%
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5utalf/what_does_bill_say_to_hillary_after_sex/
%
Why is Chris Christie always linty?

Because he's in Trump's pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5utado/why_is_chris_christie_always_linty/
%
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've had

Does money even matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ut9yu/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_existential_crisis/
%
When I was in the army I was offered the position of tank commander...

But I said, " No tanks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ut9hp/when_i_was_in_the_army_i_was_offered_the_position/
%
What do prison and the shift key have in common

they both turn your "o" into an "O"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ut998/what_do_prison_and_the_shift_key_have_in_common/
%
What tea makes you live forever?

Immortali-tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ut8l1/what_tea_makes_you_live_forever/
%
Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ut7d2/cigarette_warnings_should_also_include_how/
%
I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ut50f/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_one_day/
%
Q: What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman?

A: Protestant woman gets stoned before they commit adultery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ut3zt/q_what_is_the_difference_between_a_protestant/
%
What does the sign on an out of business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ut3i3/what_does_the_sign_on_an_out_of_business_brothel/
%
If I had a dollar for every racist thing Donald Trump has said...

He'd be cutting my taxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ut21e/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_racist_thing_donald/
%
I used to work hard

but that really cute girl quit last week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ut1s2/i_used_to_work_hard/
%
What does the inside of a new Tesla smell like?

Elon's musk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ut0vp/what_does_the_inside_of_a_new_tesla_smell_like/
%
Did you hear the Flat Earth Society is really gaining ground?

They say they have members all around the globe now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uszqp/did_you_hear_the_flat_earth_society_is_really/
%
To run for president, which part of a woman must you grab?

Their attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uszni/to_run_for_president_which_part_of_a_woman_must/
%
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for valentine's day..

A bit of an unconventional present, I know!
But you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usyse/i_bought_my_girlfriend_a_fridge_for_valentines_day/
%
My friends seem to think I might have a drinking problem

That's ridiculous. I don't even remember last time when I was black out drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usxhz/my_friends_seem_to_think_i_might_have_a_drinking/
%
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?

Cashew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usups/what_sound_does_a_nut_make_when_it_sneezes/
%
Why did the weather man's wife leave him?

He promised nine inches but she only got three.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ussdj/why_did_the_weather_mans_wife_leave_him/
%
Three guys trapped on an island

[NSFW][LONG]
Three guys get trapped on an island with cannibals. They get caught and offered a choice, they can either get boiled and eaten, or perform a task and be set free.
Of course they all choose to perform a task. So the cannibals send them out into the jungle to pick ten fruits of their choice.
They all run off.
The first guy returns with 10 bananas. The cannibals tell him that he must now attempt to push them all up his ass without crying. He gets to 4 and breaks down in tears from the pain. The cannibals cook him up and eat him.
The second guy returns shortly thereafter with 10 strawberries. The cannibals tell him that he must attempt to push them all up his ass without laughing. Confused but wanting to be set free, he starts. He gets to 9 strawberries but suddenly bursts out laughing. The cannibals cook him up and eat him too.
The first two guys are sitting in heaven. Banana guy looks at strawberry guy and says
'You were so close, why on earth did you start laughing'
Strawberry guy stifles a laugh and says
'Well, I saw the third guy coming over the hill with 10 pineapples'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uss7y/three_guys_trapped_on_an_island/
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[Racist Humor] What do you do in a crowd of Hindus?

Connect the Dots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usqzf/racist_humor_what_do_you_do_in_a_crowd_of_hindus/
%
Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school

The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?'
Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!'
'Correct Claire'
The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?'
Todd poked Claire again and she leapt up and shouted 'JESUS CHRIST!'
'Correct again Claire'
And the class continues until the teacher asks a third question
'What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?'
Again Todd poked Claire, and she yelled out
'I SWEAR IF YOU POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO SNAP IT IN HALF!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usqpo/todd_sat_behind_claire_in_sunday_school/
%
A waiter has a spoon tied to his pocket.

At a resturant a waiter has a spoon tied to his right pocket with a small rope.
One of the costumers asked him what is the purpose of this spoon?
The waiter said that he uses the spoon to align eating utensils, that way he doesnt touch them with his hands.
The costumer then asked why does he have a second rope going from his tie down his pants?
The waiter said that the rope is tied to his penis so when he goes to the bathroom he pulls on the rope to take his penis out without having to touch it with his hands.
The costumer then asked well how do you put your penis back in your pants?
The waiter replied oh im using the spoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usq7z/a_waiter_has_a_spoon_tied_to_his_pocket/
%
I hear that mime crime is a big problem in Paris these days.

Apparently they do unspeakable things if you resist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uspmd/i_hear_that_mime_crime_is_a_big_problem_in_paris/
%
Prince charming wants to get married.

Prince charming want to get married, finds Snow White and asks:
Will you marry me?
"Of course, Majesty."
Prince charming shows his penis and asks:
Do you know what this is?
"Your beautiful penis, Prince.
I'm leaving. I want an innocent woman.
The Prince then goes to Cinderella's house and asks:
Will you marry me?
"Of course, yes!"
Prince charming takes his penis out and asks:
Do you know what this is?
"Your lovely penis, manly Prince."
I'm leaving. I demand an innocent woman.
The Prince later finds Little Red Riding Hood in the forest and asks:
Will you marry me?
"Of course, Your Highness."
Prince charming takes the member out and asks:
What is this?
"That's a little sausage, my Prince."
Marveled at the innocent of Little Red Riding Hood, Prince charming marries her.
On the wedding night, the Prince takes his dick off and tells Little Red Riding Hood:
You know, this is not a sausage, it's a penis, my love.
And she says:
"No, my Prince. That's just a little sausage. Big bad wolf has a penis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usojx/prince_charming_wants_to_get_married/
%
I tried to buy a new boomerang

but I couldn't throw my old one away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usobj/i_tried_to_buy_a_new_boomerang/
%
Math is evil...

Only the Sith deal in absolute values.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usnmx/math_is_evil/
%
An airline pilot and a woman walk into a bar.

The airline pilot is also a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usmke/an_airline_pilot_and_a_woman_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My swingers group went camping...

It was fucking intense.
<fixed the other joke>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usmha/my_swingers_group_went_camping/
%
Footballer Dwight Yorke just got denied entry to the US due to an Iranian stamp in his passport.

Makes a change at least, most of his troubles are from briefly entering Jordan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usl0m/footballer_dwight_yorke_just_got_denied_entry_to/
%
How did Native Americans have sex?

Fucking Intense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usezh/how_did_native_americans_have_sex/
%
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind around here!"

A faster than light neutrino walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usdgw/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_your_kind_around/
%
No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”
The scout leader says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.”
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, “But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let’s get it right next time, boys.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uscri/no_that_snakes_not_poisonous_at_all/
%
The Actor

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usbqc/the_actor/
%
What movie does Gordon Ramsay hate?

Frozen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5usbqa/what_movie_does_gordon_ramsay_hate/
%
I saw a woman rolling on the ground in agony.

She looked at me and yelled, "Don't just stand there!"
So I started doing star jumps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5us8hz/i_saw_a_woman_rolling_on_the_ground_in_agony/
%
Plateaus are...

...the highest form of geographical flattery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5us7v2/plateaus_are/
%
An English WW2 pilot was...

...talking in the school about his war experience.
"So I'm flying over German land in my plane. I was alone. Out of the blue, a fokker flanks me on the right. Then, I found a fokker on my left wing too. I was panicking, when suddenly 2 more fokkers appeared and surrounded me..."
By now, the children are giggling, so an embaressed teacher intervenes, "Actually, fokker is the name of a German airplane."
"Yeah", interjected the pilot, "But these fokkers were flying in Dorniers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5us6ql/an_english_ww2_pilot_was/
%
You heard about the swimming pool on the Titanic?

After all these years it's still full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5us6ld/you_heard_about_the_swimming_pool_on_the_titanic/
%
I've met a woman just like my ex.

So I *did* turn her into a lesbian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uryp3/ive_met_a_woman_just_like_my_ex/
%
A man is looking from his balcony on the 5th floor...

... as he spots a beautiful woman sunbathing on the story beneath him. Astonished by her beauty, he is watching her three days straight, from dusk till dawn.
After two more days, the man can't stand it anymore and sends down a letter to her, attached to a string:
"You're the most beautiful woman I've seen in my entire life! If you want me to make love to you, pull at the string once. In case you don't, that's fine. Just gently pull at the string 50 times and increase the speed, whilst you're on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ury75/a_man_is_looking_from_his_balcony_on_the_5th_floor/
%
How do all racist jokes start?

By looking over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5urws4/how_do_all_racist_jokes_start/
%
An al-Qaeda suicide bomber carried out his mission...

And made it to heaven, where he found 72 virgins. Turns out they were all guys playing world of Warcraft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5urwe6/an_alqaeda_suicide_bomber_carried_out_his_mission/
%
What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5urvmf/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
%
Somebody told me to "live everyday like it's your last".

So, I decided I'd stay in bed with life support and act as if I'm in comatose state from now on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ursq4/somebody_told_me_to_live_everyday_like_its_your/
%
Did you hear about the oyster who was breakdancing at the seafood disco?

He ended up pulling a mussel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5urpdv/did_you_hear_about_the_oyster_who_was/
%
A cockroach's last words to a husband:

"Go ahead, kill me coward. You are just jealous I will make your wife scream more than you do when I climb her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5urom2/a_cockroachs_last_words_to_a_husband/
%
You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

You'd be way too short and weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uro61/youll_never_be_able_to_go_back_in_time_and_kill/
%
If life gives you melons

You may have dyslexia!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5urnpi/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said

a black guy would probably rob me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5urmid/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_racist_thing_i_said/
%
A man from Illinois

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5urhzq/a_man_from_illinois/
%
What do the U.S.S Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle around Uranus looking for Klingons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5urhfg/what_do_the_uss_enterprise_and_toilet_paper_have/
%
Knowledge and Wisdom

Knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ure2q/knowledge_and_wisdom/
%
Why does Putin love Trump so much?

Because the Russians love a good joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ur9wo/why_does_putin_love_trump_so_much/
%
A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ur76j/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
%
I wrote down a joke about Flight MH370...

...but I don't know where it went

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ur544/i_wrote_down_a_joke_about_flight_mh370/
%
What do you call a group of people waiting to get their fruit cocktail at a buffet?

A punch line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ur3th/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_people_waiting_to_get/
%
Man still not caught after stealing police station toilets.

Officers say they have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uqz7s/man_still_not_caught_after_stealing_police/
%
Why do hurricanes get lousy names, like Sandy?

Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uqyxf/why_do_hurricanes_get_lousy_names_like_sandy/
%
A man's logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uqxtw/a_mans_logic/
%
Commenting on a new post is like investing in the stock market

If the post blows up, you probably get shit loads of karma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uqspy/commenting_on_a_new_post_is_like_investing_in_the/
%
A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

"What is the capital of Germany?" she asks.
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What's the capital of France?"
"Berlin."
"What's the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin."
"Good job, Adolf. You'll do great on your test tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uqsbu/a_mother_is_helping_her_son_study_for_a_geography/
%
"Dad, it's cold in the house..."

- "Well, go stand in a corner."
- "Why?"
- "Because a corner is 90 degrees."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uqryv/dad_its_cold_in_the_house/
%
Jesus loves you is a great thing to hear in church.

But an awful thing to hear in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uqqv0/jesus_loves_you_is_a_great_thing_to_hear_in_church/
%
Why'd the blonde get fired from the m&m factory?

She threw away all of the W's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uqphl/whyd_the_blonde_get_fired_from_the_mm_factory/
%
The human body is made up of about 60% Water

So I'm not fat, I'm just flooded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uqow3/the_human_body_is_made_up_of_about_60_water/
%
What's Fat Albert's super villain alias?

Fatal Bert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uqldu/whats_fat_alberts_super_villain_alias/
%
My parents congratulated me on my 215lb weight loss...

I don't think they liked my ex-boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uqk3x/my_parents_congratulated_me_on_my_215lb_weight/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uqcf5/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
A woman is telling her friend that her boyfriend hit her.

"Why are you with him?" She asks.
"Beats me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uqc81/a_woman_is_telling_her_friend_that_her_boyfriend/
%
A white nationalist walks into a bar.

He sits sullenly at the bar amidst a sea of minorities and sighs heavily.  The bartender comes around and asks what he can get for him.
The white nationalist replies: "Can I get a country where I can live among people from my own ancestry?  It is like this nation isn't even mine anymore.  We have people coming in from God knows where to do God knows what.  I am not a racist, I am just fed up with all of these different people coming in with their own customs.  Why don't they stay in their country?"
Before the bartender could reply, a Native American patron spoke up: "Please cancel that whiskey.  I will have what he is having!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uqaj5/a_white_nationalist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two guys are having lunch ...

The first guy says, "You'll never guess what I did the other day, so embarrassing. I was at the Bus Station, looking to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh. I walk up to the wicket, the lady has massive tits. I meant to say, 'Can I please have a ticket to Pittsburgh?' But instead I slipped up and said, 'Can I please have a picket to Tittsburgh?' Well, of course she reaches across the counter and slaps me. I felt like a total ass!"
The other guy says, "That's nothing, the other night I was having dinner with my wife. I meant to say, 'Will you please pass the peas?' But I slipped up and said, 'I should never have married you, you fat pig!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uq9j5/two_guys_are_having_lunch/
%
Programming takes time. Just remember...

Chrome wasn't built in a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uq9gs/programming_takes_time_just_remember/
%
What do you call a brave disabled kid?

Cerebral-Ballsy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uq895/what_do_you_call_a_brave_disabled_kid/
%
My sister passed out drunk and I thought it would be funny to draw a penis on her forehead. It took longer than I expected.

I'm not very good at tracing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uq57v/my_sister_passed_out_drunk_and_i_thought_it_would/
%
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical...

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room.
He tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT? What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear"
*Found this in the comment section, so might as well share it to the world*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uq4gw/an_old_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_his_yearly/
%
Apparently I snore so loud

It scares people in the car I'm driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uq49q/apparently_i_snore_so_loud/
%
My ex-wife recently passed away. Guess what she got on her gravestone?

My urine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uq423/my_exwife_recently_passed_away_guess_what_she_got/
%
My girlfriend wants to have sex in an elevator...

But I think it's wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uq3ad/my_girlfriend_wants_to_have_sex_in_an_elevator/
%
I think my girlfriend is a magician.

She makes my paycheck disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uq3a0/i_think_my_girlfriend_is_a_magician/
%
Apple just released a new iOS update to help protect against piraters

It's called the iPatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uq1i1/apple_just_released_a_new_ios_update_to_help/
%
Recent fashion trends...

certainly have given women the cold shoulder, haven't they?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5upzb5/recent_fashion_trends/
%
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5upyy5/when_my_wife_left_i_was_sad_upset_and_lonely/
%
I hacked Russia's servers last night and got caught...

I was Putin jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5upxa3/i_hacked_russias_servers_last_night_and_got_caught/
%
Why don't tall people tell jokes?

They go over your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5upvg2/why_dont_tall_people_tell_jokes/
%
I walked in on my friend having sex with a clown...

...when I started laughing he said "do you think this is fucking funny?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5upteg/i_walked_in_on_my_friend_having_sex_with_a_clown/
%
My 8 year old daughter just told me a Joke I had never heard before.

Why can't you hear a Pysduck urinating ?
Because the p is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uptam/my_8_year_old_daughter_just_told_me_a_joke_i_had/
%
Last night, I slept for 6 hours straight

And then 2 hours gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uprb7/last_night_i_slept_for_6_hours_straight/
%
I like my genders like I like my numbers

Binary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5upnix/i_like_my_genders_like_i_like_my_numbers/
%
One day, I'm going to be the world's best psychic.

Actually, maybe I won't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5upkuv/one_day_im_going_to_be_the_worlds_best_psychic/
%
Did you hear about when Trump fought in Vietnam?

A few soldiers were discussing our new President and how worthy he was to serve. They mocked him endlessly until a Private spoke up.
"Didn't you know The President fought in Vietnam?"
"He ain't no soldier, you maggot!"
"No its true! Although I heard he was very controversial and ended up causing more harm than good. I'm sure you've heard about the devastation caused by Agent Orange!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5upkas/did_you_hear_about_when_trump_fought_in_vietnam/
%
I don't know why everyone is so worried about Trump.

He's just trying to get everyone in the US to shit enough bricks to build this wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5upjw1/i_dont_know_why_everyone_is_so_worried_about_trump/
%
I hate being poor

Sent from my iPhone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5upiqp/i_hate_being_poor/
%
My favourite thing to do after a long day at work is sit down and take off all my clothes.

It makes my train journey more entertaining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uphq9/my_favourite_thing_to_do_after_a_long_day_at_work/
%
Whats green and smells like bacon

Kermit the frogs fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uphq1/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
%
A conductor asked me if I could help him drive a train...

I said, "yeah of course, how hard could it be?" Then I saw how complicated the control panel was. It was then that I realized that I may have bitten off more than I could choo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5updpu/a_conductor_asked_me_if_i_could_help_him_drive_a/
%
Four across...

Two men are sat completing a crossword puzzle on a train, sat across from them is a Priest. The first man starts to scratch his head, and he asks the man across from him:
"A word, four across, ending with unt..."
The other man asks him:
"Well, what's the clue?"
He replies:
"It just says 'a woman,' that's all."
"Aunt?"
"Ah, yes it is!"
The man looks down, nodding in agreement. Across the carriage a feeble voice, the Priest.
"Can I borrow an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5upbad/four_across/
%
This year we finally learned who the worst spice girl is

It's Sean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5up9ff/this_year_we_finally_learned_who_the_worst_spice/
%
Music can take you places

Today for example, they put country music on and I went to the next bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5up946/music_can_take_you_places/
%
I just saw Donald Trump on pornhub

the caption was "rich man fucks entire country at once"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5up875/i_just_saw_donald_trump_on_pornhub/
%
A man and his wife were thinking of a code name for when, when they're around their kids.

The husband says, "let's call it laundry."
His wife replies, "why laundry?"
Husband says, "Because if it's a small load. I can do it by hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5up6ry/a_man_and_his_wife_were_thinking_of_a_code_name/
%
What do you call three disabled people fighting?

Cripple threat match

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5up6pe/what_do_you_call_three_disabled_people_fighting/
%
Sex jokes aren't funny

I mean cum on people...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5up055/sex_jokes_arent_funny/
%
There were two friends drinking and one says to the other

I have a trumpet that tells the hour.
"The hour?" the friend asks.
Yes, yes look.... he grabs the trumpet and opens the window and starts to play it like crazy when all of a sudden you can hear...
"You $#@% it's 3 in the morning"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uou2e/there_were_two_friends_drinking_and_one_says_to/
%
Dark humour is like kids with cancer

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uormf/dark_humour_is_like_kids_with_cancer/
%
Hitler vs Jesus

Jesus gave his 10 disciples bread and wine.
Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uor9s/hitler_vs_jesus/
%
What do you do when you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uom9j/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_spaceman/
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Circumcised (this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me to stick it out till noon, then she'd come and pick me up from school.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uokn2/circumcised_this_is_priceless/
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I hired a Chinese prostitute

She showed up 3 hours early,  I guess she wanted to love me rong time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uokjq/i_hired_a_chinese_prostitute/
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The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.  One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.  We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.....
My Engaged Friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The Mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I Had To Share My Story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.  When he came in the door and saw me he said....
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uoif0/the_black_bra_as_told_by_a_woman/
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Donald Trump - "I'm not orange!"

"Impeach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uogqu/donald_trump_im_not_orange/
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Stanley died in a fire

and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.”
“What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician.
“Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, there's Stanley with them two ass-holes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uog2y/stanley_died_in_a_fire/
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What's the similarity between a dead Hitler and a cat?

They both have nein lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uod6z/whats_the_similarity_between_a_dead_hitler_and_a/
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Called AA by mistake...

Those drunks can't change a tire for shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uo8rf/called_aa_by_mistake/
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I still miss my Ex-girlfriend...

But my aim is getting better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uo8if/i_still_miss_my_exgirlfriend/
%
If you're allergic to milk, don't tell your fifth grade class

I was known as "the kid who's allergic to titties". The worst part is I believed it, so I thought for sure I was gay. But I second guessed myself, after remembering I was also allergic to nuts.
Later I found out I'm just dumb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uo6w8/if_youre_allergic_to_milk_dont_tell_your_fifth/
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My Korean friend passed away...

So Yung...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uo5wr/my_korean_friend_passed_away/
%
An Englishman, An Irishman and a Scotsman are all sentenced for 10 years for manslaughter....

But are all told they can each take something into their cell with them.
The Englishman thinks and says "I'll take a sexy Blonde girl in with me"
The Irishman thinks and says "I'll take a lifetime supply of beer"
The Scotsman thinks and he says "I'll take a million cigarettes"
The High court judge thought for a moment and nodded, allowing them all their wishes.
Once their sentences have been served they are all released and are asked how it was for them and if they think any problems arose for them with their wishes.
the Englishman stood and said "I think I have an STD"
the Irishman stood and said "I think I have major liver problems"
the Scotsman stood and said "anybody got a lighter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uo5r8/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_are_all/
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Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter...

First Woman : "My doggo is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uo2wn/two_women_that_are_dog_owners_are_arguing_about/
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So I was whacking off in a public bathroom...

so i was whacking off in a public bathroom
and i accidentally ejaculated on the guy in the next stall's shoe
_Talk about getting off on the wrong foot!_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unzyv/so_i_was_whacking_off_in_a_public_bathroom/
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How come crows never get hit by cars?

Their buddies are up in the trees yelling caaaawr caaawr caaawr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unylb/how_come_crows_never_get_hit_by_cars/
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Long ago my wife suggested adoption, and let me tell you it was the best idea we've ever had!

I'm finally rid of that little shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unyke/long_ago_my_wife_suggested_adoption_and_let_me/
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What happened to the boy that swallowed £10?

Still no change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unxur/what_happened_to_the_boy_that_swallowed_10/
%
Why do jazz musicians prefer to drive crappy old cars?

Because they're always making a new sound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unv9p/why_do_jazz_musicians_prefer_to_drive_crappy_old/
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Why was Adam and Eves marriage so successful?

Because he couldn't complain about her mothers cooking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unt49/why_was_adam_and_eves_marriage_so_successful/
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A man was looking after a parrot for his brother.

For several days he was bombarded loudly at all hours by its swearing and noisy intrusions. His warnings to behave were ignored. Eventually, in frustration, he opened its cage, grabbed it, and threw it into his freezer. After five minutes he relented and replaced it on its perch. It was suddenly humble and quiet, looking at him with respect and tearful eyes. In a trembling voice it asked him, ‘what did that chicken do'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unsii/a_man_was_looking_after_a_parrot_for_his_brother/
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A man knocked on my door asking for a donation towards a new public swimming pool.

So I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unqpu/a_man_knocked_on_my_door_asking_for_a_donation/
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A group of scientists removed the right half of a man's brain

Then, they asked him if he was a man. He answered, "yes".
The scientists were impressed. They put the right half of the man's brain back in, but wanted to see if the man still could understand them if they removed the left half of his brain.
After doing so, again, they asked him if he was a man. He told them, "yes".
Amazed, the scientists now removed both halves of the man's brain. They asked him if he was a man.
"Did you just *assume* my *GENDER*?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unp2c/a_group_of_scientists_removed_the_right_half_of_a/
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I ordered a mail-order bride from the Czech Republic

Czech mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unm4w/i_ordered_a_mailorder_bride_from_the_czech/
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Why do mermaids wear seashells on their chests.

A shells are too small and D shells are too big!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unm1q/why_do_mermaids_wear_seashells_on_their_chests/
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Dear Judge

If you're going to put us all in prison for pirating music at least have the mercy to put us in a cell with people who like the same genre!
(Not my joke, heard it somewhere and I thought it was funny)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unla4/dear_judge/
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What did the Spanish boy tell his father when his dad was leaving the city(

Ciudad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unkfy/what_did_the_spanish_boy_tell_his_father_when_his/
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Why was the police officer on the toilet?

He was doing his duty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unf7i/why_was_the_police_officer_on_the_toilet/
%
Lost my watch at a party once

Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose.  No one does that to a girl.... not on my watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5undcx/lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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What do you call a smart idiot?

An oxy-moron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5und8q/what_do_you_call_a_smart_idiot/
%
Did you know that Helen Keller had a dog?

Neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5unbtq/did_you_know_that_helen_keller_had_a_dog/
%
Did you hear about the bomb blast in Pakistan?

Apparently the terrorists were tired of the commute and wanted to work from home for a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5un86f/did_you_hear_about_the_bomb_blast_in_pakistan/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5un6vj/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
What do you call a piece of paper with nudes on it?

A flashcard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5un6c2/what_do_you_call_a_piece_of_paper_with_nudes_on_it/
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A 96 year old goes for a physical checkup...

A 96 year old man goes for a physical checkup with his family doctor.
Once he is finished, the doctor looks at the old man and tells him, "Well Alfred, as far as anyone is concerned, you're in top physical shape.  You are as healthy as a 50 year old."
"That's great to hear, I feel great too!", Alfred replies.
"Now, let's talk about the mental side of things.  How do you feel most days?  Are you having trouble remembering things?  Have you found yourself wondering where you are?"
"No, but I did have an enlightening experience!  Every time I open the door to the bathroom, the lights turns on automatically as if God is lighting my way!"
"Is it possible you have a sensor that turns your lights on when you open the door?"
"Definitely not, but I know in my heart that it's God trying to tell me something!"
The doctor is a little concerned, so he lets Alfred leave but immediately calls Alfred's 90 year old wife at home.  He explains what Alfred just told him, and that he is a little concerned.
His wife just sighs and says, "That damn fool.  He's been pissing in the refrigerator again, hasn't he!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5un06k/a_96_year_old_goes_for_a_physical_checkup/
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I'm against throwing cigarettes on the ground.

Unless I'm in my car. Then it all goes out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5umxdc/im_against_throwing_cigarettes_on_the_ground/
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When the gays and lesbians went hiking, who got to the campsite first?

The lesbians got there lickety-split while the gays were still packing their shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5umvfh/when_the_gays_and_lesbians_went_hiking_who_got_to/
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The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line.

At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."
A smart-alec who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?"
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off Florida."
The smart-alec laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question."
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The smart-alec said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5umuey/the_ultimate_computer_stood_at_the_end_of_the/
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My next door neighbour is bulimic.

She was making so much noise last night that I banged on the wall and shouted "For fucks sake, keep it down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5umq9r/my_next_door_neighbour_is_bulimic/
%
Studies show that more Americans watch television...

than any other household appliance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ummyv/studies_show_that_more_americans_watch_television/
%
How do we know the toothbrush was invented in the south?

If it was invented anywhere else it would've been called the teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5umm51/how_do_we_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in_the/
%
Got a tattoo on the small of my back of 2 dogs sharing a plate of spaghetti.

It's a Lady and the Tramp stamp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5umj1x/got_a_tattoo_on_the_small_of_my_back_of_2_dogs/
%
Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise.

Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?"
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
The wife is obviously upset: 'Did my husband say that ?'
Maria: 'No, Señora, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So, how much do you want?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5umilj/maria_a_maid_asks_her_boss_for_a_raise/
%
I just called the tinnitus helpline

It just kept ringing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5umhpt/i_just_called_the_tinnitus_helpline/
%
A girl I know who works in the X-ray department of a local hospital is dating one of her patients

Nobody know what she sees in him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5umese/a_girl_i_know_who_works_in_the_xray_department_of/
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Emergency broadcast alert.

Just happened this morning while taking my wife to work. The emergency broadcast alert came over the radio.
Wife: It's probably just a test.
Me: Unless Trump pressed the big red button.
Our 9 year old: Oh come on now Trump is new to the White House, he doesn't know how everything works yet.
Such innocence and wisdom in one statement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5umd8j/emergency_broadcast_alert/
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Broken phone, need your help.

I got a text from my partner the other day saying "heybabymyspacebarisbrokenonmyphoneineedanalternative". - Any idea what a 'ternative' is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5umd2q/broken_phone_need_your_help/
%
Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5umc5x/woke_up_to_a_blow_job_earlier/
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Mommy, mommy, I saw grandma!

How many times should i tell you not to dig in the sandbox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5um5jy/mommy_mommy_i_saw_grandma/
%
What kind of bagel can fly?

None of them. They're bagels, not birds. Ya fuckin donut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5um5gm/what_kind_of_bagel_can_fly/
%
A man was admitted into hospital today with 6 plastic toy horses inserted up his rectum

The doctor treating him described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5um3et/a_man_was_admitted_into_hospital_today_with_6/
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People say Alaska sucks because it's all ice...

but I think it's a real solid state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ulzy9/people_say_alaska_sucks_because_its_all_ice/
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What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ulzmj/whats_red_and_smells_like_blue_paint/
%
I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ulz8o/i_chopped_the_clock_in_half/
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TIL the people most knowledgeable about something

Are not the people that work in that industry, but their customers who have done a little online reading. /s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ulxqj/til_the_people_most_knowledgeable_about_something/
%
I hate being bipolar.

It's awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ulxjv/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
What do you call an angry, white supremacist?

A saltine cracker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ulxdc/what_do_you_call_an_angry_white_supremacist/
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What is the motto of a french baker?

no pain no gain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ulr7t/what_is_the_motto_of_a_french_baker/
%
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up, I got her an identical one. She was livid.

"What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
([Gary Delaney](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glPYI_g_kf4))

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uloyb/my_girlfriends_dog_died_so_to_cheer_her_up_i_got/
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof*

He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ulnli/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
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One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor asks her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."
"The bastard called again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ulmq6/one_day_a_blond_walks_into_a_doctors_office_with/
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Queen Elizabeth may have died at 102 years old

but Princess Diana got to 120 when she died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ull51/queen_elizabeth_may_have_died_at_102_years_old/
%
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ulkdn/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy.

But he really saved the History channel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uljm9/hey_im_not_saying_hitler_was_a_great_guy/
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I bought the wife a Pug dog yesterday. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat

The dog seemed to like her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ulj9v/i_bought_the_wife_a_pug_dog_yesterday_despite_the/
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I only drink in Bars which have a lot of mirrors

Doctor has advised me to watch my drinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uli7o/i_only_drink_in_bars_which_have_a_lot_of_mirrors/
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What's it called when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ulen8/whats_it_called_when_batman_skips_church/
%
Use rubbing alcohol when you're hurt on the outside.

Use drinking alcohol when you're hurt on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ule5c/use_rubbing_alcohol_when_youre_hurt_on_the_outside/
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I think I've been hacked by Russia.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ulc7l/i_think_ive_been_hacked_by_russia/
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A young lady from my office sent me an email saying..

> "ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"
Oh man. I'll tell you that got me excited, but what does "ternative" mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ulb39/a_young_lady_from_my_office_sent_me_an_email/
%
The proper way to manage marijuana stocks.

Buy high sell higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ul7lx/the_proper_way_to_manage_marijuana_stocks/
%
Donald Trump, what is 2+2?

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you.
First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy but he's like, '10101000101', on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. That I can tell you. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me. OK? Alright. Thank you."
*technically not a joke but still funny*
*not OC found it on a Facebook comment*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ul57s/donald_trump_what_is_22/
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What do you call a magazine article about my wife's orgasms?

Fake news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ul3gs/what_do_you_call_a_magazine_article_about_my/
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My aunt lost a foot when someone dropped a bowling ball on her

Does she walk with a limp?
No, she's just a bit shorter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ul3cv/my_aunt_lost_a_foot_when_someone_dropped_a/
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Standing in the park I was wondering

Why does the frisbee get larger when it gets closer?
And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ul1v8/standing_in_the_park_i_was_wondering/
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A guy walks into a bar.

While walking in, he notices a glass of beer on the roof. Not paying much attention to it, he goes up to the bartender and says:
"So I read on the sign post outside that the first drink is free."
To which the bartender replies: "Yeah, first one's on the house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ul0qg/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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There are three kinds of people in the world...

...the ones that can count and the ones that cannot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ul00b/there_are_three_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
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So Thor threw a really small surprise party for his Adopted Brother's birthday.

It was Loki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ukz6r/so_thor_threw_a_really_small_surprise_party_for/
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"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ukskt/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
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A couple of Aliens land in the middle of Jerusalem and see all the worshippers...

One looks to the other and says "See, they still believe your bullshit, pay up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ukrb2/a_couple_of_aliens_land_in_the_middle_of/
%
I went to see a hanging race today

It was a close match, the two contestants were tied neck and neck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ukofj/i_went_to_see_a_hanging_race_today/
%
I was sitting there with my dad when he said "Son..

"Your brother and sister always needed something to be good, but you... You were always good for nothin'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ukgis/i_was_sitting_there_with_my_dad_when_he_said_son/
%
How do one-handed people put on gloves?

They don't, they put on glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ukdyh/how_do_onehanded_people_put_on_gloves/
%
What do a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?

Both of their moms are gonna kill 'em

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uk99v/what_do_a_pregnant_teen_and_her_baby_have_in/
%
I'll never forget the last thing my mother said to me before she died

"Put down that hammer Jimmy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uk7io/ill_never_forget_the_last_thing_my_mother_said_to/
%
The alt-right can't be nazis

Their grammar is terrible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uk6jz/the_altright_cant_be_nazis/
%
What's the hardest part about an ex saying they're HIV positive?

Trying to act surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uk5w6/whats_the_hardest_part_about_an_ex_saying_theyre/
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I just moved to Florida and can't believe the way people drive

Hell, I got so mad at this lady on her phone I threw my beer can at her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uk5tu/i_just_moved_to_florida_and_cant_believe_the_way/
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Terrible Math Joke

A plane takes off from Warsaw about midday with a full passenger load. Before take-off, the pilot himself had run through all of the safety and pre-flight checks and everything had fit the bill, so he felt pretty confident about this flight. The weather was perfect, the passengers were happy, but after just 30 minutes in the air, the plane nosedived into the ground, killing everyone except the pilot.
A few hours later, while the police are picking through the wreckage, a team of detectives are interrogating the shaken pilot, trying to figure out what could've gone wrong.
"I just don't understand," the pilot said, shaking his head. "I went through everything, I have no clue what could've caused the plane to crash."
One of the detectives who had been standing aside turned towards the pilot. "Sir," she asked. "Were there any poles on the plane?"
The pilot blinked. "Well yes, we were flying out of my Warsaw after all-"
"And where did they sit?"
The pilot stared at her for a second before a realization hit him and all the blood drained from his face. "I understand now," he said in a shaky voice. "I know why the plane crashed. They were all on the right side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uk5lp/terrible_math_joke/
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What's the difference to my newborn and a bag of meth?

I would never purposely drop my bag of meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uk4c0/whats_the_difference_to_my_newborn_and_a_bag_of/
%
What's the difference between a nerd and a stoner?

One gets high scores, while the other gets high on scores.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uk3w3/whats_the_difference_between_a_nerd_and_a_stoner/
%
I just couldn't work for my company anymore after what my boss said to me today

He said, "you're fired"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uk3j5/i_just_couldnt_work_for_my_company_anymore_after/
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Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Hotdog guy gives him a loaded dog, Buddhist gives him $10, gets nothing back. Hotdog vendor explains, "Change comes from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uk3hw/buddhist_walks_up_to_a_hotdog_stand_and_says_make/
%
I didn't believe it when I first heard that my dad was stealing from his job as a road repairmen...

But when I got home, all the signs were there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uk26i/i_didnt_believe_it_when_i_first_heard_that_my_dad/
%
Never trust an atom

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uk1lf/never_trust_an_atom/
%
I had a lot of responsibility at my last job.

Whenever anything went wrong, my boss told me I was responsible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ujygd/i_had_a_lot_of_responsibility_at_my_last_job/
%
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Twelve.
One to screw it in.
One to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination.
One to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination.
One to suggest the whole “screwing” bit to be too “rape-like”.
One to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic.
One to blame men for not changing the bulb.
One to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it.
One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs.
One to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs.
One to advocate that light bulb changers should have wage parity with electricians.
One to alert the media that women are now “out-lightbulbing” men.
One to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ujyc0/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ujvdi/til_america_has_more_museums_than_starbucks_and/
%
What was Hitler's Favorite Video Game?

Meinkraft...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ujtrk/what_was_hitlers_favorite_video_game/
%
What do u get when u cross a mexican with a octopus?

Best damn apple picker you've ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ujsqm/what_do_u_get_when_u_cross_a_mexican_with_a/
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Old USSR joke about free speech

In America you have freedom of speech.  You can stand in front of the White House and say: "Reagan Sucks."
In Soviet Russia, you also have freedom of speech.  You can stand in front of the Kremlin and say: "Reagan Sucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ujrdm/old_ussr_joke_about_free_speech/
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What do you call a Mexican man who escapes the cops?

The Juan that got away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ujmhu/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_man_who_escapes_the/
%
What has 16 legs and meows?

A CATerpillar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ujjse/what_has_16_legs_and_meows/
%
What do you call a Great Dane wearing a snorkel?

Scuba-Doo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ujj1l/what_do_you_call_a_great_dane_wearing_a_snorkel/
%
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout.

The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ujhz3/a_soldier_was_given_the_job_of_hunting_for/
%
Where do sheep get their haircut?

At the baa-bershop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ujhrp/where_do_sheep_get_their_haircut/
%
Pink Ping Pong Balls

A wealthy man had a little boy. For some reason, his first words were "ping pong ball". When the boy was old enough to speak, and understand birthdays and gifts and such (about three years old), he asked the boy "So son, what would you like for your birthday this year?" The boy said, "Daddy, I would like a pink ping pong ball." Father said "That's it? No trucks, no trains no puzzles?" The boy said "No, just a pink ping pong ball.
So the father gets him the pink ping pong ball and wraps it up. The boy is absolutely delighted. He takes the pink ping pong ball to his room, and the pink ping pong ball is never seen again.
A day before his 15th birthday, asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have five pink ping pong balls.
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is pink ping pong balls that you want, a pink ping pong balls you shall have.
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday presents five pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong balls were gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a ten pack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. He said therefore, `If it is a ten pack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a ten pack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a ten pack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the ten pack of pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ping pong ball remained, merely the empty husk of the ten pack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humor me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humor his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbor and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one ten pack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'
`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls, the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
`I- I-'
Then he died.
I congratulate anyone who made it through the whole thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ujfvd/pink_ping_pong_balls/
%
I went to a sarcasm convention.

A girl came up to me and said, "What brings you here?"
I said, "My feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ujepv/i_went_to_a_sarcasm_convention/
%
What's worse that finding a worm in your apple?

Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uj9zt/whats_worse_that_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
If you crap out small pieces of poop...

...would they be considered dumplings?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uj930/if_you_crap_out_small_pieces_of_poop/
%
What was Humpty Dumpty's favorite month?

October... He had a great fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uj741/what_was_humpty_dumptys_favorite_month/
%
What do my existence and an unsharpened pencil have in common?

They're both dull and pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uj68l/what_do_my_existence_and_an_unsharpened_pencil/
%
What do you call a black dinosaur

Tyroneosaurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uj607/what_do_you_call_a_black_dinosaur/
%
Biblical Parenting Techniques

Joseph: What should we do about Jesus acting up in school?
Mary: I don't know it's not like raising the Son of God came with Emmanuel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uj54d/biblical_parenting_techniques/
%
It's very easy to tell when I'm lying.

Usually, my body is in a horizontal position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uj4uk/its_very_easy_to_tell_when_im_lying/
%
I saw the saddest movie ever.

A man ended up jacking off to his dead wife's photo and crying.  It was absolutely tear jerking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uj34p/i_saw_the_saddest_movie_ever/
%
*Dad approaches 13 year old son* Son I think we should talk about sex...

Son: alright dad no problem, what do you want to know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uj291/dad_approaches_13_year_old_son_son_i_think_we/
%
I spent too much time on the punchline to my rape joke

and now it just feels forced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uiyeu/i_spent_too_much_time_on_the_punchline_to_my_rape/
%
There are 2 types of people in the world

Those who need closure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uisfh/there_are_2_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
Wife got my 3 favorite things for my birthday!

Chicken pot pie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uirlq/wife_got_my_3_favorite_things_for_my_birthday/
%
Hey girl are you a plane?

Because I want to get into your cockpit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uipaf/hey_girl_are_you_a_plane/
%
What happens when you step on a grape?

It lets out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uio4u/what_happens_when_you_step_on_a_grape/
%
I am a victim of cyber bullying

Every day my bank emails me to notify me that my account is under the required threshold. I do not need reminders that I am poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uimz8/i_am_a_victim_of_cyber_bullying/
%
How did I get out of Iraq ?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uiifp/how_did_i_get_out_of_iraq/
%
I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits.

So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uihgc/i_dont_drink_alcohol_i_drink_distilled_spirits/
%
I've got one hell of a watch dog.

He watches me eat, he watches my food on the stove, he watches me cook. He watches his bed. He watches the laser.
He's a real good watcher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uiegq/ive_got_one_hell_of_a_watch_dog/
%
One day in Soviet Russia, dear comrade Stalin walks street when he see long line of people queuing up.

He thinks "Blyat! There must be something nice to be had at the end of that line". Being a dear comrade and equal to everyone, he dutifully goes to the end of the queue.
Now man next to him in line turns around and sees dear comrade Stalin. The very next moment, he leaves the queue!
The same happens with the next in line. He sees dear comrade Stalin in line behind him, shrugs his shoulders and leaves.
Stalin is surprised. When the next man also leaves after noticing dear comrade Stalin, he asks: "My dear comrade! Why are you all leaving this line up when you see me?"
The man says: "Dear comrade Stalin, is line-up for exit visa. But if you want one, then I don't need anymore".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uidyc/one_day_in_soviet_russia_dear_comrade_stalin/
%
"It's gonna be yuuuuuuuge..."

"...enics"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ui9pb/its_gonna_be_yuuuuuuuge/
%
Good old Stalin.

So Stalin wakes up one morning and goes to his balcony, where the Sun is rising in the east.
"Good morning, comrade Sun!" he calls out.
"Good morning, comrade Stalin!" the Sun replies, "I hope you slept well."
At noon, Stalin goes for a walk, he looks up at the Sun and says, "good day, comrade Sun!"
"Good day, comrade Stalin, I hope your day is going well."
In the evening, Stalin goes out on the veranda and faces the setting Sun. "Good evening, comrade Sun!"
Nothing.
"I said, good evening, comrade Sun!"
The Sun replies, "fuck you! I'm in the west now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ui9cv/good_old_stalin/
%
How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hold on, I need to call my lawyer first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ui8yf/how_many_americans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Old soviet joke.

Who is your mother?
Our great Soviet country.
Who is your father?
Our dear comrade Stalin.
What's your greatest desire?
Becoming an orphan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ui8y6/old_soviet_joke/
%
Why did windows go from Windows 8 to Windows 10?

Because 7 ate 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ui7wp/why_did_windows_go_from_windows_8_to_windows_10/
%
Husband's birthday

A wife decides to take her husband Dave to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says
"Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ui7os/husbands_birthday/
%
I went on a date last week..

I went on a date last week and the girl I met invited me back to her place for coffee afterwards.
As we walked into her flat, she ripped all her clothes off and pushed me onto the couch.
As she pulled my trousers and boxer shorts down and swung her leg over me I said, “Before you stick that in there, aren’t you forgetting something?”
“I’m on the pill so don’t worry about a condom.” she said.
“I was talking about my coffee.” I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ui4nz/i_went_on_a_date_last_week/
%
Sunday, Bloody Sunday

What is the best part of a Gypsy on her period?
When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ui144/sunday_bloody_sunday/
%
Jeff Dahmer was a pretty normal guy

He was having a friend for dinner when he was arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uhy4m/jeff_dahmer_was_a_pretty_normal_guy/
%
A group of Scientists removed the right half brain of a man and ...

then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uhx2h/a_group_of_scientists_removed_the_right_half/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar

The bartender asks "What shall I get you two tonight"
The first chemist says "I'll take it easy tonight, just give me H2O"
The second chemist says "I'll have some H2O as well"
The first chemist is then filled with anger as the joke he heard gave him false hope in his assassination attempt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uhuvr/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How do you comb a bee's hair?

With a honeycomb!
I'm sorry I found this joke on a popsicle stick please forgive me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uhryp/how_do_you_comb_a_bees_hair/
%
How do you make an italian shut up?

Cut his hands off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uhrq9/how_do_you_make_an_italian_shut_up/
%
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right....

Alcohol IS a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uhm3r/it_turns_out_my_high_school_chemistry_teacher_was/
%
I'm sick of people telling me that I'm more likely to get mugged in London than New York.

What do they expect? I don't live in New York.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uhi4j/im_sick_of_people_telling_me_that_im_more_likely/
%
Hey baby, are you an introductory credit card offer?

Because your terms are hard to understand and you keep saying you have no interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uhhyq/hey_baby_are_you_an_introductory_credit_card_offer/
%
I was gonna make an anal joke

Butt fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uhhcr/i_was_gonna_make_an_anal_joke/
%
What's the flashes favorite element?

Barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uhgll/whats_the_flashes_favorite_element/
%
Whatever people say, I think Trump is on the right path...

The path to impeachment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uhfok/whatever_people_say_i_think_trump_is_on_the_right/
%
What is the difference between a fascist and a communist?

America hasn't elected a communist yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uhef9/what_is_the_difference_between_a_fascist_and_a/
%
"Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived.."

"Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived, I think I'll wear gold."
"Maybe you should wear silver and come second for a change!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uhe4j/hey_honey_my_olympic_condoms_arrived/
%
Hey, are you the top of a Lego brick?

Because you're a stud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uhafo/hey_are_you_the_top_of_a_lego_brick/
%
A YOUNG SALEMAN'S FIRST DAY ON THE JOB.

A young guy from Iowa moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Iowa ."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in Iowa , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!?  What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uh8eu/a_young_salemans_first_day_on_the_job/
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I hate puke...

It's a bile substance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uh4az/i_hate_puke/
%
Trump is bringing America back to a time when it was great

1984

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uh2q6/trump_is_bringing_america_back_to_a_time_when_it/
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Why did Donald Trump go to Ikea?

Because he was having trouble putting together his new cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uh2p3/why_did_donald_trump_go_to_ikea/
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A sales representative enters a house

A sales representative who sells vacuum cleaners entered a house and started throwing goat shit at the carpet, the owner is shocked and asks him why did you do that!
The sales man answers him: "This is a very good vacuum cleaner! it can clean all that shit, if it doesn't, I'll eat all of it"
The owner smiles and asks him if he wants Coca Cola or Pepsi with it. The sales person is confused and asks why? "Because electricity is cut off" the owner answers him! xD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugy77/a_sales_representative_enters_a_house/
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A man goes to Japan on business and hires a prostitute.

He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.
The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugx3w/a_man_goes_to_japan_on_business_and_hires_a/
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A rope walks into a bar

The bartender says "We don't serve your kind".
So the rope walks out, twists himself up and parts his hair and then walks back in.
The bartender asks "Aren't you the same guy who was here a moment ago?".
The rope replies "I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugwpg/a_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
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I found a boomergang

-Why are you covered in bruises?
-I'ts from a boomerang that I found...
-Well, just throw it away then...
-Fucking throw it away yourself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugwh0/i_found_a_boomergang/
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Diarrhea

Little Billy has diarrhea, he asks his mom for Viagra. She asked why he needed Viagra being only 8. He said,"Ain't that what you give dad when his shit wouldn't get hard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugwbo/diarrhea/
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Sarah Pippilini

Three nuns arrive at the pearly gates, and are told that because they have devoted their lives to the world they can return to Earth for three months, taking on the identity of whatever person they should choose.
The first nun said she wanted to return as Helen of Troy.
"Why Helen?" asked St Peter.
Because she was so beautiful, and remembered for it, while we have had to cover ourselves all our lives. Her wish granted
The second nun was given her chance and decided to return as Florence Nightingale, so that the good work she had done might be recognized by all the world. This, too, was readily granted.
The third nun said she wanted to return as Sarah Pippilini.
"Who in the name of all that's wonderful is Sarah Pippilini!!?" asked an curious St Peter.
"Well, I'm not sure either," said the nun "but see what it says here in this newspaper", showing a photo of several oil workers and the proud headline: "Sahara pipeline, laid by 300 men in 30 days"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugtkn/sarah_pippilini/
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What did the Indian boy say to his mom before he left?

Mumbai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugsiq/what_did_the_indian_boy_say_to_his_mom_before_he/
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Ooga Booga

3 guys get lost in a jungle and a tribe of savages capture them and take them back to their village. The chief tells them they have 2 options, death or Ooga Booga. First guy says "No way I'm dying in this jungle, Ooga Booga!" The chief promptly bends him over and fucks him in the ass and sends him on his way. Second guy says "I really don't want to get fucked in the ass, but I've got to get out of here, Ooga Booga!" Chief bends him over and fucks him in the ass and sends him on his way. Third guy says "I ain't no fag, just kill me!" Chief shouts "DEATH... BY OOGA BOOGA!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugsf7/ooga_booga/
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How do you comfort a Grammar Nazi?

Their, they're, there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugrbh/how_do_you_comfort_a_grammar_nazi/
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My girlfriends family is quite religious.

I remember the first time i went to stay with her at parents house and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame really because he's very attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugrau/my_girlfriends_family_is_quite_religious/
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What did the kid say about his abusive parents?

Beats me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugr75/what_did_the_kid_say_about_his_abusive_parents/
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A guy who left North Korea...

A guy who left North Korea came on the news today to describe his life there.
Reporter: "What were the conditions like in North Korea?"
Guy: " Ah, couldn't complain."
Reporter: "Well then why did you leave?"
Guy: "Ah, couldn't complain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugo97/a_guy_who_left_north_korea/
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Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks?

Because his number couldn't fit in their phones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugnla/why_did_avogadro_have_trouble_picking_up_chicks/
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What do you call a belt made of watches?

A waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugjvw/what_do_you_call_a_belt_made_of_watches/
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Tree house builders get no respect...

I mean they go out on a limb to build these things!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ugjas/tree_house_builders_get_no_respect/
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What do you call an Illegal immigrant fistfighting a child molester?

Alien vs. Predator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ug8tg/what_do_you_call_an_illegal_immigrant/
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Some people say that you can't stop feminists

I disagree; just close the kitchen door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ug8mr/some_people_say_that_you_cant_stop_feminists/
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Trump's campaign slogan for 2020

You get out what you Putin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ug012/trumps_campaign_slogan_for_2020/
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Why is Trump's face so cheesy?

It's for all of that whine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ufvz5/why_is_trumps_face_so_cheesy/
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Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ufqs2/just_asked_siri/
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I have a degree in gender studies

Want some fries with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ufemp/i_have_a_degree_in_gender_studies/
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You don' find out what true love is until you get married.

And by then it's to late to turn back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ufe4m/you_don_find_out_what_true_love_is_until_you_get/
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This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ufddi/this_week_lego_batman_sold_more_tickets_than_the/
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You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly

A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ufcx7/you_cant_teach_an_old_dog_to_fly/
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What's the difference between the USA and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it'll develop a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ufb71/whats_the_difference_between_the_usa_and_yogurt/
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Where do Russians get their milk?

Mos-Cow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ufanf/where_do_russians_get_their_milk/
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Two fish are in a tank...

One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uf7al/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uf6ge/global_warming_is_a_joke/
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I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uf5za/i_told_myself_i_should_stop_drinking/
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You drink too much coffee? I reduced my coffee consumption from 4 cups a day to 3 cups

Simply by getting a bigger mug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uf5f3/you_drink_too_much_coffee_i_reduced_my_coffee/
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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge...

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"
A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".
"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.
"I'm Vietnamese, we value education I'll be here Monday".
"Ok" says the teacher "Lets try another one: 'Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.'"
This time the hand of little Susie Hou rises.
"Abraham Lincoln"
"Correct Susie." the teacher asserts "Enjoy your day off"
Susie says "Oh no ma'am. I'm Chinese, we also value education I'll be here early on Monday morning".
"Fucking immigrants!" a voice says from the back.
"Who said that?!" the teacher snaps.
"Donald Trump..." says little Johnny "...I'll see ya Tuesday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uf4sd/on_friday_an_elementary_school_teacher_poses_her/
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I would trade my legs for 5 million dollars

But I don't think it would be worth it in the long run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uf0uu/i_would_trade_my_legs_for_5_million_dollars/
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In what state are most cows found in?

Solid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uexre/in_what_state_are_most_cows_found_in/
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I was out in the club and they played "The Twist," so I did the twist. They played "The Macarena," so I did the Macarena...

Then they played "Come On Eileen," and I got kicked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uexmg/i_was_out_in_the_club_and_they_played_the_twist/
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I am campaigning to end child sexual slavery!!!

I want to ensure they are all payed a fair wage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ueu7c/i_am_campaigning_to_end_child_sexual_slavery/
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I love abortions

They really bring out the kid in you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uetdb/i_love_abortions/
%
A guy pulls over to pick up this smoking hot hitchhiker..

...when some dude jumps out of the woods, puts a gun to his head & yells: "Start jerking off!" He does.
"Jerk off again!" He does.
"Once more!" He does.
Thank you sir. Can you please give my beautiful sister here a ride into town? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ues2a/a_guy_pulls_over_to_pick_up_this_smoking_hot/
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Playboy returns to cover completely naked pictures of girls.

Trump is in office less than a month, and already makes America great again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ueqdk/playboy_returns_to_cover_completely_naked/
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A lady walks down the street with her breast naked

Someone tells her:
"Excuse me, Ms. You shouldn't walk like this with your breast out"
She looks at him. Looks at her breast. Turns back and runs away yelling:
"Fuck! I left my baby in the bus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uent3/a_lady_walks_down_the_street_with_her_breast_naked/
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There's a term for Presidents like Trump.

Probably not two terms, though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uej1u/theres_a_term_for_presidents_like_trump/
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What do you call a fat Irish werewolf?

O'beast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ueipn/what_do_you_call_a_fat_irish_werewolf/
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I just read an article on the dangers of drinking ....scared the shit out of me.

So that's it. After today, no more reading!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ueid9/i_just_read_an_article_on_the_dangers_of_drinking/
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They call it "PMS"...

... because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ueftt/they_call_it_pms/
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I have a degree in Liberal Arts

Do you want fries with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uef2u/i_have_a_degree_in_liberal_arts/
%
The men at gay bars are so polite...

Every time I stand up they offer to push in my stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uecqg/the_men_at_gay_bars_are_so_polite/
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I stole my girlfriends wheelchair.

I knew she would be crawling back for me.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uec8k/i_stole_my_girlfriends_wheelchair/
%
I get self conscious about driving my lowered car at times.

I feel like other motorists are always looking down on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uebt5/i_get_self_conscious_about_driving_my_lowered_car/
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My math professor explained natural numbers

Natural numbers are like beer. You can have 1 beer, 2 beers, 3 beers... but not 0 beers, that's unnatural.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ue8ho/my_math_professor_explained_natural_numbers/
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My son invited his girlfriend over.

When she left, I went up to his room and said, "Did you use the condoms that I bought you?"
He said, "We tried, but they didn't really fit."
I said, "That's OK, maybe you need a different size."
He said, "Yeah, I think she does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ue8cj/my_son_invited_his_girlfriend_over/
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A little boy is in a birthday party with his mother

And as the party starts passing the little boy has to pee. And so naturally he calls for his mother. "Mommy, I have to pee!" The mother takes the boy to the bathroom and locks the door. The mother says to the boy "You can't be yelling across rooms that you need to pee. It's very rude. How about we have our own codeword. Instead of screaming 'I have to pee' you say 'I have to whistle' and then nobody will know!" And then time passes and a few weeks later the boy is staying over at his grandfather's place. He wakes up in the middle of the night and he has to pee. He goes into his grandpa's room and wakes him up. "Grandpa, I have to whistle" The boy says. The confused grandpa answers "not right now, you can whistle in the morning." The boy answers "But grandpa, I really need to whistle." "I said not right now, I'll whistle with you in the morning" the grandpa said. The boy answered "But grandpa I reeeaally need to whistle." "Well alright then, whistle very quietly, into your grandpa's ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ue77s/a_little_boy_is_in_a_birthday_party_with_his/
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What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ue3qr/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_guys_sitting_on/
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My new Fleetwood Mac GPS is shit.

It just keeps telling me to go my own way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ue3ee/my_new_fleetwood_mac_gps_is_shit/
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What was the Kool-Aid mans favorite wall to break?

The Fourth Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ue39b/what_was_the_koolaid_mans_favorite_wall_to_break/
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An Australian had visited New Zealand

and he was telling his mates about it. He told them about how he visited the Hokitika Wild Food Festival, where they celebrate game food, like venison and wild boar, and unusual foods like roasted crickets and snails.
Mate 1: "So, what was the weirdest thing that you ate?"
Aussie tourist: "Probably the sheep's testicles, mate."
Mate 1: "What was it like?"
Aussie tourist: "Well, once you get over the fact that you're swallowing sheep's balls, not too bad. Chewy and a bit fatty, really."
Mate 2: "Yeah , I tried sheep's balls once."
Mate 1: "What did you think of it?"
Mate 2:  "Can't really say. I couldn't get them in my mouth because it kept kicking me in the face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ue2ey/an_australian_had_visited_new_zealand/
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So a women at the store yelled at me for looking at her kid and smiling.

I told her I have three kids at home, and she appologized. What I didn't tell her is that they're not my kids...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5udyyh/so_a_women_at_the_store_yelled_at_me_for_looking/
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Today, I was jailed for animal cruelty for visiting r/Jokes.

They charged me for beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5udw5a/today_i_was_jailed_for_animal_cruelty_for/
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Putin nowadays be like: all I want is peace.

A piece of Ukraine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5udtvu/putin_nowadays_be_like_all_i_want_is_peace/
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Names T Rex and I can meet your needs for handheld weaponry​...

I'm kind of a big deal in the small arms trade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5udqwd/names_t_rex_and_i_can_meet_your_needs_for/
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5udp1c/what_do_you_call_a_boomerang_that_doesnt_come_back/
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding

He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5udozn/a_man_boarded_an_airplane_and_took_his_seat_as_he/
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Both President Trump and his handshake can be described the same way

An inappropriate and overly-aggressive yanky jerk that baffles foreign heads of state

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5udosx/both_president_trump_and_his_handshake_can_be/
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After a tragic fire in a Catholic school, three young ladies arrived in Heaven

They were met by St. Peter, who told them that all each
of them had to do to be admitted beyond the pearly gates was to answer a question about the Bible.
The first young woman faced St. Peter "What," he asked, "was the name of the first man?"
"Adam" she answered, and was admitted.
The second young woman approached St Peter. "What," he asked," was the name the first woman?"
"Eve," she said, and the gates swung wide for her.
The third young woman approached St. Peter. "What," he asked, "was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
The young woman wrung her hands.
"Gee sir, that's hard."
St. Peter stepped aside and admitted her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5udlp0/after_a_tragic_fire_in_a_catholic_school_three/
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There was an incest competition in my town

So I entered my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5udki3/there_was_an_incest_competition_in_my_town/
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Which knight never won a battle?

Sir Render

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uditv/which_knight_never_won_a_battle/
%
How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach?

It isn't hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5udceq/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_guy_at_a_nude_beach/
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A man who keeps telling the same joke over and over walks into a bar

The bartender says, "how are you, r/Jokes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ud3g0/a_man_who_keeps_telling_the_same_joke_over_and/
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Today I asked a man with an accent where he was from.. he said he's from his mother's p****...

.. to which I replied "I've been there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ucygk/today_i_asked_a_man_with_an_accent_where_he_was/
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What do a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ucx3y/what_do_a_rubiks_cube_and_a_penis_have_in_common/
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I always walk very quietly past pharmacies...

so I don't wake up the sleeping pills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ucvgk/i_always_walk_very_quietly_past_pharmacies/
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*Extremely Offensive* If you ever feel stressed just know that someone...somewhere...

...has parkinsons and is currently going through their crush's Instagram history

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ucvf1/extremely_offensive_if_you_ever_feel_stressed/
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uctee/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
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If there's two things I hate, it's electrocutions and clickbait titles

What happens next will shock you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ucqm1/if_theres_two_things_i_hate_its_electrocutions/
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C Major is the healthiest key to play in

It's all natural.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ucpo6/c_major_is_the_healthiest_key_to_play_in/
%
Life is like golf

The less strokes, the better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ucpah/life_is_like_golf/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ucp1x/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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The Women's March is organising a strike day where women won't do anything

Thank god I know how to make sandwiches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uco3z/the_womens_march_is_organising_a_strike_day_where/
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What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?

"Vee haf vays to make you tock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ucnxw/what_did_the_german_clockmaker_say_to_the_clock/
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A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are standing in front of an empty building they think is empty.

They see two people go in and after several hours, they see three people leave.
The biologist says: "They must have procreated."
the physicist says: "Our initial assumption about the building must have been incorrect."
the mathematician says: "If one more person enters that building, it'll be empty again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ucm9o/a_biologist_a_physicist_and_a_mathematician_are/
%
What time do you go see the dentist?

2:30
tooth hurty
ah go fuck yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uckfy/what_time_do_you_go_see_the_dentist/
%
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, and I'll even do statistics

But graphing is where I draw the line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ucj89/ill_do_algebra_ill_do_trigonometry_and_ill_even/
%
Doctor, you have to help me! I see dead people...

Doctor: For the last time, you work in a morgue!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ucisw/doctor_you_have_to_help_me_i_see_dead_people/
%
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ucf86/to_the_optimist_the_glass_is_halffull/
%
Roses are red, potato chips are savory...

The United States prison system is legalized slavery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uceun/roses_are_red_potato_chips_are_savory/
%
I like my women how I like my stock images...

Rights free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uceak/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_stock_images/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandfather...

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ucdzv/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
A job interview is like a first date.

You dress up, pretend to be someone else and spend the time wondering if you're going to get screwed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uc8lo/a_job_interview_is_like_a_first_date/
%
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on top of a burning building.

There are firefighters at the bottom with a rescue blanket. "Jump down we will catch you" the firemen yelled. The brunette jumped down, when she was close the firemen yanked the blanket away and laughed as she went splat on the pavement.
They the tell the redhead to jump "The brunette wasn't nearly as beautiful as you, we will catch you we promise" The redhead jumps down expecting to be saved. The firemen yanked the blanket away she she went splat on the pavement laughing their hearts out.
They then yelled at the blonde "Jump we didn't like the redhead she was a bitch and not nearly as beautiful as you" The blonde didn't beleive them. "I dont trust you, put the blanket down first and walk away you I know you won't pull it away" The firemen then set the blanket down on the pavement and walked away. The blonde then jumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uc7rz/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_on_top_of_a/
%
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheel chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uc6y9/what_is_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
War camel.

So a plane goes down in the Sahara in WW2.
The survivors are a lieutenant, a sergeant, a corporal and a private. They have a days rations and are many days out from the nearest town.
The looty sends the corporal to scout around for anything to help in their predicament. He returns with an old camel. Hot debate pursues about what they should do, kill and eat the camel or ride it  back to civilisation.
Anyway, they decide to ride it and hope to make it back.
So in true Brit form the mount the camel in order of rank, looty up front followed by the sarge and finally the private hanging on for dear life at he rear.
After the first days ride they dismount all very tired and find the poor camel well worn from all the weight it carried that day. They all rest and start out early the next day.  And day two they have finished all the food so they are even worse off. Camel is shagged but still standing so they go to sleep with the hope that tomorrow will be better.
The start day three and the camel is really slow and battling on and around midday they all start hallucinating and the camel stops. They rest and later all start out again. Late afternoon they see a town and at first consider whether they are hallucinating again but the closer they get they see people coming out to help.
They are about 800m out (1/2mile for you USA folk)  when the camel collapses dead. Cold stone dead!
The looty hops off the carcass and scratches his bald head wondering, as only rank can do. The sarge hops off and kicks the camel, because that what makes things move. The corp jumps down and states the fucking obvious "this camel is fucked" and the private apologises "sorry corporal, but that was the only way I could stay on"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uc645/war_camel/
%
TIL my ex uses lemon juice for her complexion...

No wonder she always looks sour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uc5h2/til_my_ex_uses_lemon_juice_for_her_complexion/
%
3 hookers are at a bar

They are each taking shots until one talks about how she can take the biggest cock. She says "I can by far take the largest cock, I can fit a whole remote in my vag"
The second hooker says  "Thats nothing I can fit a whole wine bottle in my vag and not even feel it"
The third hooker sits there silently as she slides down the bar stool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uc0fs/3_hookers_are_at_a_bar/
%
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubyor/a_mother_found_her_son_scooping_ice_cream_in_the/
%
What's a cat's favorite dictator?

Mao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubwku/whats_a_cats_favorite_dictator/
%
Where do rodents get high?

In Hamsterdam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubwhl/where_do_rodents_get_high/
%
What do you call a black guy that flies a plane?

A pilot, you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubvmr/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_that_flies_a_plane/
%
What was Einstein's rap name?

MC Squared

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubt8k/what_was_einsteins_rap_name/
%
What does a gay rooster say?

"Anycockledoooooo!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubrl7/what_does_a_gay_rooster_say/
%
I decided to flirt with gay men for free drinks at the bar

So far it's a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubpp0/i_decided_to_flirt_with_gay_men_for_free_drinks/
%
There's an old widow sitting in her rocking chair

There's an old widow is sitting in her rocking chair. One day, sitting in her rocking chair, she says to herself "It's about darn time I got married!" So she stands up and walks to the computer and posts an ad on Craigslist.
The ad says: "HUSBAND WANTED! He must never beat me, he must never walk out on me, and he MUST be good in bed".
So she posts the ad, and sits back down, and continues rocking.
Two weeks later, the doorbell rings. The old widow stands up, walks to the door, and opens the door. There on her porch is a man sitting in a wheelchair, and he's got no arms and he's got no legs. The widow regards the man for a moment, then says "Hello sir, how can I help you?" The man says "Yes ma'am, I saw your ad, and I'm here to marry you!" The woman replies "Alright. I see you have no arms... so you can't beat me. You've got no legs... so you can't walk out on me. But how do I know you're good in bed?
The man replies: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubjns/theres_an_old_widow_sitting_in_her_rocking_chair/
%
A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar

Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubjkn/a_russian_spy_a_sexual_predator_and_a_billionaire/
%
What do you call a chicken who works at a bar?

A chicken tender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubh1b/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_who_works_at_a_bar/
%
I just want the wifi password...

Today I went to the restaurant.
I saw there is WIFI service.
So I ask for the password.
The waitress told me eat first.
So I place my orders.
After eating I ask again for the password and again she told me eat first. Feeling frustrated, again I order black coffee.
After drinking again I ask for the password. They told me eat first.
I then angrily ask the restaurant manager for the password.
He replied eat first.
Before I wanted to explode,
I finally saw a sign showing the WIFI password: "eat first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubglm/i_just_want_the_wifi_password/
%
Some people have bad knees,

But I have fun knees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubecn/some_people_have_bad_knees/
%
The bravest thing I ever did

I went to a Transgender Alliance Support Meeting.
I waited over an hour to speak.
Heard all the stories.
Finally it was my turn.
"Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's body" I said.
Everyone nodded.
"That's how tight my girlfriends pussy is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubda1/the_bravest_thing_i_ever_did/
%
How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubd6l/how_do_you_cut_the_roman_empire_in_half/
%
I put root beer into a square cup.

All I have now is beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubbcn/i_put_root_beer_into_a_square_cup/
%
What did the dad buffalo say to his son?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ubafl/what_did_the_dad_buffalo_say_to_his_son/
%
Why are chemists never wrong?

Because they always have a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ub65x/why_are_chemists_never_wrong/
%
Hey girl, are you click bait?

Because I see 10 reasons why you're perfect and you won't believe #5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ub4n8/hey_girl_are_you_click_bait/
%
I uploaded a picture of our newborn baby to Facebook.

I probably should have cropped out my wife's vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ub49f/i_uploaded_a_picture_of_our_newborn_baby_to/
%
I just returned my pet hamster.

I'm starting to think we should have used a tennis ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ub34h/i_just_returned_my_pet_hamster/
%
The Wright brothers.

The Wright brothers must have been vectors, because two of them made a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ub16d/the_wright_brothers/
%
If I could have sex with anyone in the world right now...

I would.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ub00l/if_i_could_have_sex_with_anyone_in_the_world/
%
I asked a girl to talk to my

penis but she said she doesn't do small talk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uazpa/i_asked_a_girl_to_talk_to_my/
%
Why do dwarfs dislike the big city?

Because of Smaug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uaxnd/why_do_dwarfs_dislike_the_big_city/
%
How do you count cows?

With a cowculator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uawtc/how_do_you_count_cows/
%
Roses are red, Rum is good...

Too much rum..Now no wood :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uatfp/roses_are_red_rum_is_good/
%
I can't believe after all the shit that's happened between them they're still together.

My butt cheeks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uandm/i_cant_believe_after_all_the_shit_thats_happened/
%
Why did the musician get arrested?

He was caught fingering A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uafdk/why_did_the_musician_get_arrested/
%
Socks are like sex

There's plenty to go around, yet I never seem to have any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uaf8r/socks_are_like_sex/
%
I'm tired of people comparing Trump to Hitler.

After all, Hitler wrote his own book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uaf1w/im_tired_of_people_comparing_trump_to_hitler/
%
I was surprised to hear about the death of Kim Jong Nam earlier this week.

I didn't even know he was Kim Jong Ill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uaezn/i_was_surprised_to_hear_about_the_death_of_kim/
%
What's the best part of having sex with twenty-eight year olds?

There are 20 of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uadp2/whats_the_best_part_of_having_sex_with/
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A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex

. Afterwards, the young woman looked in the box of condoms and saw that there were only six left out of the original twelve. She asked her boyfriend, “What happened to the five other condoms?”
He rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Errmm, I masturbated with them.”
The next day the woman went to one of her male friends and told him what had happened. Then she said to him, “Have you ever done that?”
He replied, “Yeah, a few times.”
She said, “You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?”
“Oh!” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uada8/a_young_couple_had_just_finished_having_fantastic/
%
If I ever start to go bald

I'll get a rabbit tattooed onto my head..
From a distance it would look like a hare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5uacl1/if_i_ever_start_to_go_bald/
%
Why are sloths so fascinating?

You'll almost always find one InTreeResting.
.....I'll just see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ua8d9/why_are_sloths_so_fascinating/
%
What do you call a group of cars playing instruments?

A Traffic Jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ua7ec/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_cars_playing/
%
[NSFW] Two prostitutes are talking...

and the first one asks, "Hey, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ua6rl/nsfw_two_prostitutes_are_talking/
%
There was a tragic fire at a Nike factory recently...

800 soles were lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ua62n/there_was_a_tragic_fire_at_a_nike_factory_recently/
%
Elon Musk's new tunnel boring machine is....

quite a ground breaking invention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ua4s1/elon_musks_new_tunnel_boring_machine_is/
%
You know you are getting old when...

A couple of priests walk past you and don't even notice you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ua3bv/you_know_you_are_getting_old_when/
%
A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist go to the beach...

The physicist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the fluid dynamics." The physicist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Then the biologist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the local marine life." The biologist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Lastly, the chemist looks out over the ocean and says "I have come to a conclusion, physicists and biologists are soluble in water!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ua2ag/a_physicist_a_biologist_and_a_chemist_go_to_the/
%
"Hey you home?"

"No, I lost my fucking keys again."
"If you had any brains, you'd do what I do."
"And that is?"
"I keep the important things next to things I know I can't lose."
"Good idea. I'll start keeping my things next to your virginity."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9zz7/hey_you_home/
%
2 fortune tellers are talking about the weather.

The first one says it's going to be a hot winter. The second one replies "Yes, reminds me of the summer of 2093."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9y85/2_fortune_tellers_are_talking_about_the_weather/
%
I've always liked chestnuts.

But I'd rather cum on her arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9wfn/ive_always_liked_chestnuts/
%
What do you call an intelligent blonde?

a Golden Retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9w4p/what_do_you_call_an_intelligent_blonde/
%
My friends say I'm gay for not liking sports...

Idiots. I'm gay because I like cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9ubr/my_friends_say_im_gay_for_not_liking_sports/
%
Talking politics these days is a lot like sex:

You need both parties' consent and it only gets worse when the internet is involved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9t49/talking_politics_these_days_is_a_lot_like_sex/
%
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9qux/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
%
I can't wait for ISIS...

...to become WASWAS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9qfx/i_cant_wait_for_isis/
%
How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, let her cook in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9p6u/how_many_sexists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Colorado keeps advertising their legalised weed through the media...

I'm fed up of seeing all that propaganja.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9p13/colorado_keeps_advertising_their_legalised_weed/
%
What do you call Tatooine rain on a hot day?

Lukewarm Skywater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9omr/what_do_you_call_tatooine_rain_on_a_hot_day/
%
Why did 10 die

He was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9ndf/why_did_10_die/
%
The missionary's horse

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.
One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.
On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So, he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, Thank God, " and the horse starts trotting.
Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God" and the horse just literally takes off.
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
Finally he remembers, "AMEN!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.
The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9kvu/the_missionarys_horse/
%
I was going to join the debating team,

But someone talked me out of it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9kjm/i_was_going_to_join_the_debating_team/
%
The most amazing thing at the mall

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous young blond in her twenties stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Go get your Mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9jv4/the_most_amazing_thing_at_the_mall/
%
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door. She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?" The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9gpm/a_little_old_lady_wanted_to_join_a_biker_club/
%
Why did the printer go to the gym?

To get toner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9d3d/why_did_the_printer_go_to_the_gym/
%
Sex after Surgery:

A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford University Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex."
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9d1c/sex_after_surgery/
%
A boy asks his mom...

"Mom, why is grandma's name Melody?"
"Well, her mom loved music so much that she named her daughter after it."
"Oh... And why is your name Lilly?"
"Because your grandma loves flowers so much that she named me after them."
"I see... So mom, what do you love?"
"Alright, enough stupid questions for one day, Dick "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9cge/a_boy_asks_his_mom/
%
Diet Day 1: Just removed all the fattening food from my house.

It was delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9bif/diet_day_1_just_removed_all_the_fattening_food/
%
Did you hear about the missionary who went to visit the cannibals?

He gave them their first taste of Christianity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9bex/did_you_hear_about_the_missionary_who_went_to/
%
Lieutenant Mc Murphy was a Fighter Pilot

during WW II, but they would never let him fly because he would crash his aircraft, shoot down his own men or screw up the Mission.
One day the Captain called him to his office. He said " McMurphy all our Pilots have been shot down, you are the only Pilot left". " I am sending you on a suicide mission". "There are 300 Jap Zeros heading our way I need you to fight them off". "If you survive I will promote you and give you every medal there is".
McMurphy takes off and downs all the Jap Zeros, makes a picture perfect landing on the Carrier, runs up to the Captains office and says " Sir I'm here for my promotion and medals"!
The Captains says " Sore wa yoi baking diked kimi wa touch ni chigau fune"!
Which means: That's fine but you land on wrong ship in Japanese!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u9aak/lieutenant_mc_murphy_was_a_fighter_pilot/
%
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down...

You have my Word.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u99j8/whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i_will/
%
I have a stepladder. It's a great ladder and all...

but I wish I knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u988a/i_have_a_stepladder_its_a_great_ladder_and_all/
%
Jesus walks into a hotel...

He places 3 long nails on the counter and asks - can you put me up for the night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u92be/jesus_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
What's white and can't climb trees?

A Fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u915k/whats_white_and_cant_climb_trees/
%
Bert's new golf shoes

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes that he saw Freddie Couples wearing, so seeing some on sale after his round of golf, he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret, at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.
“IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”
Margaret replied, "You should have bought a new hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u90pf/berts_new_golf_shoes/
%
What should you do if your Wife tells you that she has AIDS?

Act surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8ybm/what_should_you_do_if_your_wife_tells_you_that/
%
I saw a kidnapping today

But I decided to let him sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8x7b/i_saw_a_kidnapping_today/
%
*BOOM*

Mom: what was that
Me: my shirt fell
Mom: it sounded a lot heavier than that
Me: I was in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8wm6/boom/
%
I visited Stockholm

At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave. Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8sea/i_visited_stockholm/
%
Those rumours that Ivanka Trump is having an affair are totally unfounded.

...guess it could be Trudeau..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8s4k/those_rumours_that_ivanka_trump_is_having_an/
%
Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8p30/today_i_gave_my_seat_to_a_blind_lady_on_the_bus/
%
Where does the White House keep the broken, old and dirty crockery that is not suitable for public display?

Trump's Cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8nsu/where_does_the_white_house_keep_the_broken_old/
%
The bankers wager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After a lengthy discussions the president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '£165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to amass so much cash. The old woman replied that she was a gambler and her betting paid handsomely.
"What kind of bets?" asked the banker, surprised. "Do you play the horses?"
"No" she replied. I make personal bets. Are you a wagering man ', she asked.
"Sometimes". he replied.
"'Well" she said "I'll bet you £25,000 that you have square testicles" .
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible wager.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Then you can't lose, can you.  Will you accept the bet?"
"Of course", replied the president.
"There's no such thing as a square testicle."
"Done", says the old lady  "But considering the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
That night, the president became  nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the  woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the £25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president agreed as to the terms. She then asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. And the banker dropped trou.
She  came closer and said she would need to examine his testicles,  to make sure they were, in fact, not square. Reluctantly, he agreed.
Reaching out a dainty hand, she carefully examined first one testicle, then the other. As she did so her lawyer began banging his head against the desk.
The banker, astonished,  asked the old woman why he was  banging his head .
"Ah," she replied.
"It's probably because I bet him £100,000 that  by 10:30 this morning I would be holding in my hand the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8nsf/the_bankers_wager/
%
What's the difference between 9gag and a Russian sauna?

One is full of male steam, the other is full of stale memes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8kyq/whats_the_difference_between_9gag_and_a_russian/
%
The internet is a scary place. It's dangerous to go alone! Take this

.
(It's a grain of salt)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8kn8/the_internet_is_a_scary_place_its_dangerous_to_go/
%
Masturbation = Blindness

A man walks into his sons room and says, " You know, masturbation will cause blindness."
The son looks at him and says, "Dad. I'm over here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8jxu/masturbation_blindness/
%
You throw a red rock into the blue ocean, what does it become?

Wet. The rock becomes wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8jei/you_throw_a_red_rock_into_the_blue_ocean_what/
%
An engineer, a mathmetician, and a physicist are hired by a farmer to build the smallest fence possible to hold all his sheep.

The physicist makes a large fence and gradually shrinks it over and over until he cannot shrink it any further.
The engineer stacks all the sheep in a specific way and builds a small fence around them.
The mathmetician builds a tiny fence around himself and then defines himself as outside the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8ipv/an_engineer_a_mathmetician_and_a_physicist_are/
%
A horse walks into a bar

Oh, sorry it was a woman. Let me start over.
A horse walks into a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8hc0/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A Philosopher, a Physicist and a mathematician look at a church...

They watch as two people enter the church. Later, three people exit.
"A wonder!", shouts the philosopher.
The physicist just says: "Nah, there must be a backdoor somewhere."
The philosopher nods, satisfied with the explanation.
Suddenly, the mathematician says: "Hey! If one of us goes in there, then there's no one inside!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8cw6/a_philosopher_a_physicist_and_a_mathematician/
%
How does nobody get pregnant at Hogwarts?

Fetus Deletus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u8c37/how_does_nobody_get_pregnant_at_hogwarts/
%
My wife and I really should get a divorce, but we're staying together because of our kids

Neither of us want custody of those little brats...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u88va/my_wife_and_i_really_should_get_a_divorce_but/
%
What is the difference between a Circus and an Whore House?

One has cunning stunts and the other has stunning cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u84hy/what_is_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_an/
%
Little Minnie was digging a pit in her house's backward ...

... Curious, her neighboring lady asked her what she was doing.
"My parrot died yesterday. I'm preparing to bury him."
"Ohhh, that's so sad. But why such a big grave for a little parrot?"
"Coz he's in your cat's stomach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u838s/little_minnie_was_digging_a_pit_in_her_houses/
%
I had a scary dream about a horse last night

Man what a nightmare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u837t/i_had_a_scary_dream_about_a_horse_last_night/
%
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

HAND EEEEEEEEYYYYYYEEEEEEE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u81fg/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
%
A rich guy buys a new car

, the newest Ferrari model with the maximum speed of 400 km per hour, very proud of this new car he decides to take it
for a spin.He drives around for a while until he runs out of gas, he pulls over to the nearest gas station and fills up the car and then goes back in to the car but before he could close the door and go on his way a short nerd with glasses , white shirt , pen protector , suspenders riding a bicycle comes to his car and asks the rick guy:
&nbsp;
-Hey nice car , can I have a ride?
&nbsp;
The rich guys closes the door in his face and leaves.
He drives with 100 km per hour and suddenly after a couple of minutes the nerd goes blazing in front of him, overtaking the Ferrari.&nbsp;
The rich guy pissed accelerates and goes to 200 km and overtakes the nerd , after a couple of minutes again the nerd overtakes the Ferrari.&nbsp;
The rich guy accelerates again, he goes to 300 km , leaving the nerd behind , would you know after a couple of minutes the nerd overtakes the Ferrari again.&nbsp;
That is it , the rich guy accelerates to the maximum speed of 400 km, overtakes the nerd laughing , no way he can  catch up to him now. But after a couple of minutes the nerd is blazing in front of the Ferrari like is nothing stopping him .
&nbsp;
The rich guy pissed, pulls over, annoyed that even a bicycle can outrun him.&nbsp;
After a couple of moments the nerd comes to the windows , out of breath .
&nbsp;
-Huh huh huh , g-g-g-glad you st-t-toped I had my suspenders caught in the car door.&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u806c/a_rich_guy_buys_a_new_car/
%
I'm in a band called Tired Bull.

You should come to one of our shows.
We don't charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7zpf/im_in_a_band_called_tired_bull/
%
Two fish in a tank, and one says to the other:

"How do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7zjf/two_fish_in_a_tank_and_one_says_to_the_other/
%
How to make friends

Next time you are washing your hands next to somebody cup your hands under the tap until the water overflows then look at them dramatically and say "this water is getting out of hand" it is a guaranteed way to make friends. I have never tried it but it is guaranteed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7yku/how_to_make_friends/
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Prostitutes

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.  "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"  "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.  The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?  They're hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money."  The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"  His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."  After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"  She replies, "Well, most of them become taxi drivers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7r15/prostitutes/
%
My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised.

In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7qyq/my_exgirlfriend_says_she_has_a_stalker_i_have_to/
%
What does the 3 year old kid next door & myself have in common?

We both want his mommy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7psw/what_does_the_3_year_old_kid_next_door_myself/
%
"Why did you name me Lily?"

"Father," said Lily, "why did you name me Lily?" Lily's father smiled, "On the day you were born, a gentle breeze carried a lily through the window, and it gently fell onto your forehead, and so we named you Lily." Lily smiled at her father, and went back to playing.
On that same day, Lily's sister, Rose, walked up to her father and said, "Father, why did you name me Rose?" Rose's father tousled her hair, and replied, "When we left the hospital on the day of your birth, a rose petal carried in the breeze fell upon your forehead, and so we named you Rose." Rose smiled, and went back to playing.
Later that day, the youngest girl in the family, Cinderblock, walked up to her father and said "GRRRAAAaaaAAAAaaHHH!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7p2d/why_did_you_name_me_lily/
%
I was a big fan of Extreme Vetting

Then I found out it isn't a show about skydiving into the desert to perform dog surgery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7ovu/i_was_a_big_fan_of_extreme_vetting/
%
Me: Doctor, you've gotta help me! I'm addicted to Social Media.

Doctor: I don't follow you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7nd7/me_doctor_youve_gotta_help_me_im_addicted_to/
%
He did nut see that coming

A bus driver is on his daily routine, when an elderly woman gets on the bus and sits right behind him. After a minute she hands him a peanut.
"Thank you ma'am" says the bus driver.
A few seconds later she hands him another peanut.
"I appreciate your kindness ma'am, thank you" says the bus driver, gladly accepting her gift once again.
This exchange goes on for a few more minutes. When the elderly lady finally arrives at her stop, the bus driver says, "ma'am I appreciate your kindness, I've had a stressful day and your compassion has helped me overcome it."
The elderly woman cheerfully replies, "It's okay dear, we all have our ups and downs. I remember when I first lost my teeth, I was devastated that I could no longer eat the entire M&M."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7kiy/he_did_nut_see_that_coming/
%
What's in common between the vibrator and soy

They both try to substitute meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7khr/whats_in_common_between_the_vibrator_and_soy/
%
A fox, a wolf and a weasel all go to a restaurant.

The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink.
"Water" says the Fox,
"Coffee" growls the Wolf,
And "Pop!" Goes the Weasel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7hxp/a_fox_a_wolf_and_a_weasel_all_go_to_a_restaurant/
%
Dr. Watson: How young is too young?

Elementary school, my dear Watson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7h5j/dr_watson_how_young_is_too_young/
%
Bob the Gorilla Catcher

One day a gorilla escapes from a zoo. In order to get the animal back, the zoo sends out Bob the gorilla catcher.
Bob gets in his pickup and starts cruising around the suburbs looking for the gorilla. After a couple hours of this, he spots the gorilla sitting on the roof of a garage.
He pulls up in front of the house, walks up, and knocks on the door. The guy who lives there answers, and Bob explains the situation: "I'm Bob the gorilla catcher, and there's a gorilla on your roof. I'm gonna need your help to catch him and bring him back to the zoo."
So the man agrees and they walk over to Bob's pickup. Bob reaches into the back of his truck and carefully gets out all his gorilla catching gear: A net, a dog, a baseball bat, a ladder, and a shotgun. Then he gives the net and the shotgun to the guy who's helping him.
"Alright, here's the plan," Bob explains, "I'm gonna climb up with baseball bat and knock the gorilla off the roof. The dog'll run up and bite him in the balls, and you throw the net over him. Then together we'll throw him in the back of the pickup. Got it?"
"Got it." The man replies. After a moment of thought, he asks, "Hold on a minute, what's the shotgun for?"
"Ah, good question," says Bob, "Sometimes, I screw up and the gorilla knocks me off the roof. If that happens, shoot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7fmf/bob_the_gorilla_catcher/
%
I'm always frank with my sexual partners...

I wouldn't want them to know my real name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7cyw/im_always_frank_with_my_sexual_partners/
%
There may be no fish in the sea by 2050 according to some scientists.

What will we tell people who have just gone through a breakup?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7c9i/there_may_be_no_fish_in_the_sea_by_2050_according/
%
How many fuq bois does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None it's always lit fam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7bbn/how_many_fuq_bois_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Blondes

A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions. On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?" The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?" The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?" The blonde responded, "20, right?" Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?" "Is it 3?" said the blonde. The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7bap/blondes/
%
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7b7c/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/
%
My friend just came to me all depressed because his kid’s failing 3rd grade, and he doesn’t know how to break it to him.

Apparently “slowly” wasn’t the advice he was looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u7a5f/my_friend_just_came_to_me_all_depressed_because/
%
Metal Health Hotline

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u73lp/metal_health_hotline/
%
What's the inverse of 'We did it Reddit!' ?

1/(We did it Reddit!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u720b/whats_the_inverse_of_we_did_it_reddit/
%
My wife rang me from work.

"Three girls in my office just received flowers, they're absolutely gorgeous"
I said "That's probably why they received flowers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6zrl/my_wife_rang_me_from_work/
%
I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly

He wasn't even Il

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6ylb/i_dont_get_how_a_member_of_the_kim_jong_family/
%
An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.
"How is that possible?" said the officer. "That wall was solid concrete!"
The warden quietly inspected the cell. After a few minutes, he exited and said, "He seems to have built a pick out of the eating utensils we gave him and used it to make the hole."
The warden and officer continued to the next cell that contained the physicist. However, he too was gone and once again there was a hole in the wall. And of course, the warden inspected the cell and returned after a few minutes.
The warden declared, "According to the papers on his bed, he very carefully calculated the weakest point on the wall and repeatedly hit it with a rock until it broke open."
Finally, they arrived at the last cell that contained the mathematician. Unfortunately, he lay dead on the cell floor from starvation. The officer sighed. "After the other two, I would have expected he would have also escaped. He also has some papers on his bed." The warden entered the cell and picked up the papers. Then he shook his head and chuckled.
"It appears," the warden said, "that he spent several days writing a very detailed proof that it was possible to break the wall.
PS: My math professor told me this joke last year, I was reminded of it by yesterday's top post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6y8s/an_engineer_physicist_and_mathematician_have_been/
%
Donald trump was spotted picking up rocks on the White House lawn...

He would walk a few feet, bend over and pick up a rock. His refusal to talk to anyone worried his aides, and they ran around trying to find out what was going on. The doctors couldn't make sense of it, the secret service didn't understand and even his most trusted advisors couldn't get through to him.
Eventually, they talked to the Russian ambassador. He said, very sheepishly "I am afraid there has been a mix up. We sent him the instructions for the lunar rover."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6vs3/donald_trump_was_spotted_picking_up_rocks_on_the/
%
"Dad, what exactly is a transvestite?"

"Ask your mother, maybe he can tell you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6rcp/dad_what_exactly_is_a_transvestite/
%
A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6qt4/a_father_notices_his_sons_bedroom_is_spotless/
%
As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...

All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6qpq/as_an_aspiring_actor_i_was_somewhat_surprised/
%
What do you call a homeless horse?

Unstable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6pxa/what_do_you_call_a_homeless_horse/
%
Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Henry Fitzpatrick . . .

. . . and Patrick Fitzhenry?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6plq/did_you_hear_about_the_two_gay_irishmen_henry/
%
They say it's hard to get over your ex

I think say 60mph does the job pretty well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6njh/they_say_its_hard_to_get_over_your_ex/
%
My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?

A dog, dogs eat meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6mmi/my_child_doesnt_eat_meat_what_to_substitute_it/
%
"I have a split personality"

Said Tom, being frank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6l5h/i_have_a_split_personality/
%
Overweight porn addicts

They're massive wankers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6jza/overweight_porn_addicts/
%
I used to date a Bricklayers daughter..

Cement the world to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6i7x/i_used_to_date_a_bricklayers_daughter/
%
A bus filled with politicians was driving on ....

.... The country road on campaign trail. Suddenly on a turn the bus veered off and hit a tree with great force. A farmer nearby rushed in, and seeing the scattered bodies proceeded to bury them with dignity.
Police arrived in few hours and proceeded to question the farmer.
Police: "Good deed you did there. So all of them died huh?"
Farmer: " You know how these politicians are. Some of them kept lying that they were alive but I'll be damned if I believed them again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6e2s/a_bus_filled_with_politicians_was_driving_on/
%
A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan...

I swear I've met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u68gi/a_stranger_just_came_up_to_me_and_told_me_she_was/
%
A feminazi rolls into a bar...

...? What are you doing here? The joke's in the title

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u67wp/a_feminazi_rolls_into_a_bar/
%
Which is the shortest century?

The twenty-second century.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u67to/which_is_the_shortest_century/
%
A man steps into an elevator...

A man steps into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude.
It's just the two of 'em, so he says "Hi" so as not to be rude.
The big guy looks down and says "I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds,
got a 20-inch dick and 3 balls... Turner Brown."
The small guy stares for a moment, then passes out.
The big dude picks him up and lightly slaps him around,
saying "Wake up! You ok? What's wrong little dude?"
The small guy says, "Repeat what you just said, would you?"
The big guy looks down and says "I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds,
got a 20-inch dick and 3 balls... Turner Brown."
"Ah!" the little man said, "I thought you said 'Turn around'."
They both laughed about it, until the raping started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u63jc/a_man_steps_into_an_elevator/
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My dick really honors women

He stands up whenever he's near one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u60we/my_dick_really_honors_women/
%
If i had a dollar for every gender there is..

I'd have two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u6040/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender_there_is/
%
New movie about a male prostitute

Hoe Malone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u5y42/new_movie_about_a_male_prostitute/
%
How do you know if an ant is male or female?

Put it in water. If it sinks it's female. If it floats it's buoy-ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u5rnv/how_do_you_know_if_an_ant_is_male_or_female/
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A Man Goes to the Doctor...

The Doctor says, "Mr. Smith - you have to stop masturbating."
The man replies, "Why, Doctor?"
The Doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
[Originally heard from Walter Cronkite and Robin Williams]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u5rbh/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Friend: Whats wrong?

Me: I can't remember how to calculate sine
Friend: ah
Me: No that's cosine
Friend: oh
Me: Right, thanks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u5mzt/friend_whats_wrong/
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my brother just called me (11pm) with a joke so funny he was still laughing

**what is a bear without teeth?**
**answer:  a gummy bear**
since he made it up all by himself, i informed him that i could no longer publicly claim him as my brother.  he understood completely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u5m0q/my_brother_just_called_me_11pm_with_a_joke_so/
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I went to a zoo in china but they only have one animal

It was a shih tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u5ltt/i_went_to_a_zoo_in_china_but_they_only_have_one/
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Four physicians are out in a field...

... a general internist, an emergency physician, a surgeon, and a pathologist.  They see a bird fly overhead.
- The internist says "looks like a sparrow, sounds like a sparrow, its probably a sparrow.'
- The emergency physician says "it's not a falcon, it's not a hawk, I'm not sure what it is but it probably won't hurt us.'
- The surgeon pulls out a rifle and fires it into the air and the bird drops to the ground.  Picks it up and hands it to the pathologist and says "What is this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u5jpk/four_physicians_are_out_in_a_field/
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Why did the boat want to stay close to the shore?

Pier pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u5fcv/why_did_the_boat_want_to_stay_close_to_the_shore/
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The worst thing about mean jokes is...

The average person doesn't understand them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u5egn/the_worst_thing_about_mean_jokes_is/
%
What was Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

WA-TAAAAAAH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u5dhs/what_was_bruce_lees_favorite_drink/
%
Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world

Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u5bvn/im_sick_and_tired_of_people_calling_america_the/
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Why is the calendar depressed?

Because it's days are numbered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u5b3n/why_is_the_calendar_depressed/
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I remember the old days...

When people would get mad if you read their diary. Now they post it online and get mad if you don't read it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u5as2/i_remember_the_old_days/
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What did one mirror say to his kid?

"I see myself in you son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u5a2j/what_did_one_mirror_say_to_his_kid/
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This actually happened to me.

A few years ago I was working in a call center that promoted the use of "Pizzazz Greetings."  Such examples ranged from "Thank you for calling XYZ! My name is Kandy with a K! What can I do to make your day as awesome as mine!?" To "Thank you for flying with XYZ, my name is Josh and I'll be your captain this evening..." (That person actually kept the entire call in a flight analogy.) I decided to go with something simple so I greeted callers with "Thank you for calling XYZ! My name is Ian and my favorite color is purple; what's yours!?"  I would keep a tally, adding colors as they got their votes, and usually run the breakdown by my customers. Something like "That puts Blue firmly in the lead with a three point advantage on Green, Red is the second runner up just one point behind Green."  One day, early in my shift, a man calls in, hears me say "Thank you so much for calling XYZ! My name is Ian and my favorite color is purple; what's yours!?" with as much sing song tone and vocal flair as I dare muster. He responded without hesitation, declaring "Well it must be black because I'm blind as SHIT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u59yk/this_actually_happened_to_me/
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I GOT A FREE FOUNTAIN DRINK AT THE MALL TODAY!!

But all the pennies in the water gave it a bad taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u58sp/i_got_a_free_fountain_drink_at_the_mall_today/
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I always thought I was good at limbo...apparently not...

I must've just set the bar too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u589z/i_always_thought_i_was_good_at_limboapparently_not/
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To be frank

I'd have to get a new  ID card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u583z/to_be_frank/
%
A filipino joke i found and translated it.

John: Dad, there's a girl i like. She's beautiful. I want to go out with her.
Dad: Who?
John: The girl across our street, Nina.
Dad: Oh no, you can't. Don't tell Mom but she's your sister.
John was furious, but a week has passed and he fell in love again.
John: Dad, I think I'm inlove. She's prettier.
Dad: who?
John: She lives beside our house, name's Ana.
Dad: Oh son, i pity you but you can't date her. She's your sister as well. I'm sorry but it happened more than once.
John was furious. He decided to talk to his mother.
John: Mom, I hate dad! I can't date the 5 ladies I fell in love with just because they're dad's daughters to different women.
Mom: Oh, don't mind what your father said. You can date whoever you want, he's not your father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u57kh/a_filipino_joke_i_found_and_translated_it/
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Why is Trump taking a $1 salary?

He would do anything to avoid paying taxes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u57fv/why_is_trump_taking_a_1_salary/
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I want to create a VR girl/boyfriend simulator for those alone on Valentines Day...

I shall call it, E-Bae

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u54i7/i_want_to_create_a_vr_girlboyfriend_simulator_for/
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Matt Damon's movie "The Great Wall", has had it's release date postponed...

Seems the Mexicans haven't paid for it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u54hn/matt_damons_movie_the_great_wall_has_had_its/
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Why was Donald Trumps birth so difficult?

He wouldn't stop grabbing the pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u52he/why_was_donald_trumps_birth_so_difficult/
%
My wife hates the study of cults that worship the rear end.

But personally, I love butt sects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u51pa/my_wife_hates_the_study_of_cults_that_worship_the/
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Fishing trip

Billy and his grandfather were spending some time together and went fishing.
While fishing, the grandfather popped open the cooler and grabbed a beer and Little Billy asked if he could have some. Grandpa looked him dead in the eyes and asked him "Does your dick reach your asshole?" A little taken aback at grandpa's language, Billy stammered "uh, uh, uh no?" So, grandpa said " no beer for you."
A little later, grandpa lit up a cigar and Billy wanting to be like him asked if he could have some. Again, grandpa stared him down and asked "Does your dick reach your asshole?" This time, Billy looked down and said "no."
Since grandpa was drinking and smoking all day, they didn't catch any fish and had to stop at the grocery store on the way home. While they were there, Billy asked grandpa if he could have a candy bar.  Grandpa asked him the same question and this time Billy got really upset and embarrassed.  Grandpa realizing his mistake decided to buy Billy his own scratch off lotto ticket to match the ones he had grabbed for him and granny to try to make up for it.
When they got home, they all started scratching the silver off. Granny won $10, grandpa struck out, but little Billy, his card won $10,000. Teasingly, grandpa asked Billy if he was going to share. Little Billy looked him dead in the eyes and asked "Grandpa, does your dick reach your asshole?" Granny loses it and sprays coffee all over the place and runs out of the room. Grandpa, maintaining eye contact says, "Why yes Billy, it does."
To which Billy replies "Good, go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u50rj/fishing_trip/
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Procrastination...

Procrastination is a lot like masturbation, in the end you're just fucking yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u4z43/procrastination/
%
I just heard the inventor of autocorrect died...

...may his sole restaurant in pieces﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u4w9q/i_just_heard_the_inventor_of_autocorrect_died/
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A man walks into a .. nsfw

A man walks into a whore house and asks after the madam, inquiring, "how much for a blow job"
The madam replies, "$100, but it is the best blow job of your life"
The man thinks for a moment, places $100 on the counter, unzips his fly and promptly begins to jerk off.
The madam protests, "what are you doing?"
And in reply the man states, "for $100 she isn't getting the easy one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u4v1i/a_man_walks_into_a_nsfw/
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What did one hat say to the other hat?

I'll stay here, you go on a head...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u4kos/what_did_one_hat_say_to_the_other_hat/
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I could tell my girlfriend was cheating on me when she said she was at the mall with her BFF Jill

...when Jill was lying beside me this whole time. Smh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u4i8u/i_could_tell_my_girlfriend_was_cheating_on_me/
%
A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot come before the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, "Heaven's getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell." So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.
Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, and you get to go to heaven."
So first the mathematician steps up to Satan, and he says, "Give me a complete proof for Squaring the Circle." Satan snaps his fingers, and a big pile of papers appears in front of the man. He looks over the proof carefully, and finally concedes, looking rather glum, "This is indeed proof of Squaring the Circle." In a flash of fire and brimstone, he goes to hell.
Next the philosopher comes up to Satan and says, "I'd like a written proof that god is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnibenevolent." Once again, Satan simply snaps his fingers, and  another stack of papers appears. The philosopher rifles through them, and finally concedes, "I know we're right outside heaven right now, but I hadn't really though that this proof could exist until I saw it just now." In a second flash of fire and brimstone, he falls straight down to hell.
Finally the idiot strides up to Satan, looking confident. "Bring me a plastic chair and a power drill!" he pronounces. Seeming confused, Satan conjures up the requested items. The idiot takes his drill and wildly drills about a dozen holes in the seat of the chair, in no pattern at all.
He then sits on the chair and farts loudly. He slyly looks up at Satan, then asks, "Which hole did my fart go through?"
Satan picks up the chair, and holds it up to the light. He turns it this way and that, and pokes his fingers through various holes, and he examines it every way he can.
Finally, after about five minutes, he sets it down, and confidently answers: "It went through the second hole on the left. It had to be. The aerodynamics can't have worked out any other way."
The man jumps up and gleefully exclaims, "Wrong! IT WENT THROUGH MY ASSHOLE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u4i0s/a_mathematician_a_philosopher_and_an_idiot_come/
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I was going to tell a joke about my broken pencil

But there's no point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u4h9l/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_my_broken_pencil/
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What does the Jew do with his tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u4bl0/what_does_the_jew_do_with_his_tea/
%
Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist.

It's called Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u473d/just_found_an_app_that_tells_you_which_of_your/
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I saw a Norse god discreetly playing 49Hz notes on a piano in space...

I thought to myself: "What a low G low G low key low key Loki."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u46ew/i_saw_a_norse_god_discreetly_playing_49hz_notes/
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I saw a drunk couple weaving all over the place

I shouted, "get a *loom*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u448z/i_saw_a_drunk_couple_weaving_all_over_the_place/
%
Why do French people eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u426n/why_do_french_people_eat_snails/
%
Why do Ford vehicles have heated rear bumpers?

To keep your hands warm when you're pushing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u41nj/why_do_ford_vehicles_have_heated_rear_bumpers/
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This girl came up to me and said, "I really like your forearms."

She must have been drunk though, I've only got two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3xmr/this_girl_came_up_to_me_and_said_i_really_like/
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Why didn't Kim Jong Un cry when he heard his half brother, Kim Jong Nam, had been killed?

Because the news was unbereaveable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3x27/why_didnt_kim_jong_un_cry_when_he_heard_his_half/
%
What's the difference between a rolling stone and a Scottish shepherd?

One says, "hey, you! Get off of my cloud!"
The other says, "hey Macleod! Get off of my ewe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3w0g/whats_the_difference_between_a_rolling_stone_and/
%
What do you feed a baby parabola?

Quadratic formula

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3u8b/what_do_you_feed_a_baby_parabola/
%
I'm attracted to you...

and the laws of gravity say that you're attracted to me, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3tb7/im_attracted_to_you/
%
What's the difference between herpes and love?

Herpes lasts forever.
Happy Valentine's y'all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3rb0/whats_the_difference_between_herpes_and_love/
%
A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar

And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3pff/a_conman_a_mentally_handicapped_person_and_a/
%
Trump, Putin and Merkel are sitting at the North Sea...

..when Putin goes "We have submarines, that can stay up to 12 days under water without refueling!"
Trump replies "Ha, that's nothing, we have a huge tremendous one that can stay up to 2 month without refueling!"
Merkel feeling ashamed, staring down on the ground.
At the exact moment an old, rusty submarine is raising out of the water. The hatch opens, a man with long grey beard and dirty clothes climbs out and yells "Heil Hitler, we need more diesel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3o1q/trump_putin_and_merkel_are_sitting_at_the_north/
%
I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3mt5/i_saw_a_kid_getting_beaten_up_by_4_gang_members/
%
Have you heard Einstein's mixtape?

I heard it was relatively good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3m0s/have_you_heard_einsteins_mixtape/
%
Being caught masturbating at ninja school means instant expulsion.

They should never see you coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3lx1/being_caught_masturbating_at_ninja_school_means/
%
Squaring numbers are just like women..

If they're under 13 just do them in your head.
Credit: Bo Burnham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3llt/squaring_numbers_are_just_like_women/
%
A man in hot air balloon

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3jzf/a_man_in_hot_air_balloon/
%
Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.

They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"
Happy Valentine's, everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3ilu/two_women_named_rachel_meet_and_fall_in_love/
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What do you call a kid with no arms or legs and an eye patch?

Names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3fqe/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_no_arms_or_legs_and/
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An Indian joke translated to english

A teenage girl wearing a skirt climbing up a staircase sees boys on the ground floor looking up and laughing. She goes to her mom and complains.
Girl:  "Mom, boys saw me climbing up the stairs and were laughing"
Mom: "Oh dear, they must be laughing cuz they could see your panties"
Girl: "But I wasn't wearing any!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3d0i/an_indian_joke_translated_to_english/
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I had anal sex with a chick for the first time...

... it was totally worth it, but it hurt when she put it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u3bah/i_had_anal_sex_with_a_chick_for_the_first_time/
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Liam Neeson was walking on a road.

He suddenly slipped and fell, twisting his knee. He looks around for some help. He sees a kid with a balloon coming towards him.
"Hey kid. Come here." He called him, asking for his help.
"Hello Liam Neeson, I see you are hurt. What happened?" He asks.
"Hurt my knee kid. Can you help me please?"
"Sure, take this." He says, handing him the balloon.
"What's this for?" Looking at him, confused.
"This is full of Heal-Liam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u38ya/liam_neeson_was_walking_on_a_road/
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I translated an Ewokese joke into English

An Ewok marches into a cantina and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a Jawa Juice and …… Bantha milk.”
The bartender says, “Sure thing—but why the little pause?”
“Not sure,” says the Ewok. “I’ve had them all my life.”
*Yub Nub!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u385b/i_translated_an_ewokese_joke_into_english/
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Trump dies and goes to hell. [long]

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u364u/trump_dies_and_goes_to_hell_long/
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What do you call an Asian that works at a brothel?

Whoriental
For as many jokes I have gotten form this subreddit, I'm happy I can finally submit my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u35ts/what_do_you_call_an_asian_that_works_at_a_brothel/
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Doctor doctor, I think I have a problem with my testicles

Is one of them meant to be bigger than the others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u35gp/doctor_doctor_i_think_i_have_a_problem_with_my/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u31it/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Family Tradition

A bunch of rednecks up in Michigan had a strange family tradition.
When their dad reached 21, he walked across the the lake to have his first legal beer. Ever since then, when his kids turned 21, they too would walk across the lake. Billy walked the lake, Susie walked the lake, JoBob walked the lake, but when it came Abner's turn he sank.
After he swam ashore, he asked "what happened?" "Why can't I walk across the lake like everyone else; am I adopted?"
His pa told him "No dumbass. It's cause your birthday is in July."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2yzu/family_tradition/
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Argentinian joke

There's a competition about bravery in the military force.
* First goes the french. The general tells his soldier: "Soldier, i want you to go into open sea, fight a shark, kill it, and bring it." So does the soldier, and returns after 15 minutes with the dead shark. The general says: that's the bravery of the french soldiers.
* Next goes the american: "Soldier, i want you to tie one hand in your back, go into open sea, fight a shark, kill it and bring it. 15 minutes later the soldier is back with the dead shark. The general says: that's the bravery of the american soldiers.
* Now it's the turn of the argentinian. The general speaks: "Soldier, i want you to tie both your hands in the back, go into open sea, fight a shark, kill it and bring it". Then the soldiers replies: "Are you fucking nuts? Hell naw, go do it your self". And the general says: That's the bravery of the argentinian soldiers.
(not english native speaker here, in fact i speak english just in the internet, hope you get it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2y1i/argentinian_joke/
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*Long* Where do Trains come from?

One day a boy took a train ride out to the country with his parents.
As they sat in their car looking out the window the little boy excitedly pointed out all the farm animals he saw.
After seeing a family of cows the boy asked his parents, "Where do the little cows come from?"
His parents replied"  Er, the big cows make the little cows, Johnny" "Oh", said the boy.
A while later, the boy saw a family of horses and asked, "where do the little horses come from?" His parents replied, "The big horses make them, just like the big cows make the little cows."
The boy then asked, "Is that how trains get made too?!"
The parents replied, "No, son, thats not how it works." "How does it work?", asked the boy. His parents nervously replied, "Ask the conductor."
So the boy ran to find a conductor and breathlessly asked, "Mr. Conductor, Mr. Conductor; if big cows can have little cows, and big horses can have little horses, why can't big trains have little trains?"
The conductor replied, "Because we're AmTrak, and we pull out on time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2y0k/long_where_do_trains_come_from/
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Adolf Hitler is given a day out of hell, back on Earth.

Half an hour later, he's pounding on hell's gates: "Let me back in, I don't want to be there! It's all strange - the Jews are fighting and the Germans are trading!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2xpd/adolf_hitler_is_given_a_day_out_of_hell_back_on/
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A young boy asked his mother,

"Mom, when was the last time you and dad make a love?"
Mom answered,
"I don't know honey, how old is your older brother?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2vlv/a_young_boy_asked_his_mother/
%
What does a cow with no lips say?

OOOOOOOOO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2va6/what_does_a_cow_with_no_lips_say/
%
What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?

"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2sls/what_did_barack_obama_write_inside_his_valentines/
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I just found out my mom had an affair.

The worst part is I found out in the most blunt way possible. I was playing Call of Duty when I was informed by another player that he had carnal relations with my mother. The worst part is he sounded so young.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2s7o/i_just_found_out_my_mom_had_an_affair/
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Why can't you use RAM as a flashlight?

It's SO-DIMM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2ppg/why_cant_you_use_ram_as_a_flashlight/
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My ribs are.

The ultimate cock block.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2n5u/my_ribs_are/
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My girlfriend told me that on valentines day she wants to get treated like a princess

So I got her assassinated in a French underpass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2n2y/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_on_valentines_day_she/
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Roses are red, Violets are blue

My girlfriend's not here, So porn hub will do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2jf0/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2hd8/aging_mildred_was_a_93_yearold_woman_who_was/
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Skirts are like breasts.

They're better when they're above the knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2gui/skirts_are_like_breasts/
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The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”
“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2f3r/the_doctor_goes_hunting_and_returns_the_following/
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What's the difference between an illegal immigrant and an alien?

E.T. learned to speak English and wanted to go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2ex0/whats_the_difference_between_an_illegal_immigrant/
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Someone told me contradicting myself is a sin…

Thank God I'm atheist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2brg/someone_told_me_contradicting_myself_is_a_sin/
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A guy walks in to a Hallmark Store.......

And asks the attendant:
Do you have a valentine's card that says: "Our love is unique, I love you with all my heart, you are the love of my life"?
Attendant says: How romantic,
Sure, We do have some.
The guy says: can I get 3 of those please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u2apn/a_guy_walks_in_to_a_hallmark_store/
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Love is like looking for a parking spot

Everything good is taken and it's frowned upon to go into the handicapped ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u29vd/love_is_like_looking_for_a_parking_spot/
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Tried eating a clock today

It was very time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u299u/tried_eating_a_clock_today/
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what do you call someone from israel that has to sneeze?

A Jew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u27ak/what_do_you_call_someone_from_israel_that_has_to/
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Lady goes to the Doctor

Lady: "Doc kiss me"
Doc: " I can't"
Lady: "come on Doc, kiss me"
Doc: "no I can't"
Lady: "come on Doc, please kiss me"
Doc: "Look lady, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u26rk/lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Have you heard about this group of people with construction fetishes?

If you build it, they will come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u23hq/have_you_heard_about_this_group_of_people_with/
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TIFU and ended a 5 year relationship

It's okay though, it wasn't my relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1zhm/tifu_and_ended_a_5_year_relationship/
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A married couple came upon a wishing well

The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a quarter. The wife decided to make a wish, too but she leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1xkt/a_married_couple_came_upon_a_wishing_well/
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My Girlfriend is the Square Root of -100

a Perfect 10, but also Imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1v1h/my_girlfriend_is_the_square_root_of_100/
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I sat my son down for the sex talk.

I said, "Son, what are you supposed to do before you have sex?"
He said, "Trim your pubes."
I said, "No. Something else."
He said, "Clean your penis?"
I said, "No."
He said, "Jesus...no wonder mum never has sex with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1ueh/i_sat_my_son_down_for_the_sex_talk/
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Lady walks by a pet store

, and outside there's a parrot sitting on a perch.  The parrot looks at the lady and says..
Parrot: Heeey lady....
Lady: What?
Parrot:  You're reaaallly fucking ugly!
Next day, lady walks by the pet store, parrot sitting outside on the perch...
Parrot: Heeey lady....
Lady: What?
Parrot:  You're reaaallly fucking ugly!
Lady marches into the store and talks to the owner.  Tells the owner what happened and that she's really upset and that she's going to sue him and close the pet store down.  The owner tells her to calm down.  He'll talk to the parrot and it will never happen again.
A week later, lady walking by the pet store, parrot, perch...
Parrot: Heeey lady.
Lady: What?!
Parrot:  You know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1tyw/lady_walks_by_a_pet_store/
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Indecision can be a weapon. Sometimes, the best offense is a good on-fence.

That's it.  That was the whole joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1sod/indecision_can_be_a_weapon_sometimes_the_best/
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Stranded on an Island

Two men and a women are stranded on an island.  After a week, the woman is so ashamed of what they were doing, she killed herself...
After another week, the two men are so ashamed of what they are doing, so they bury her.
After another week, they are so ashamed of what they are doing, they dig her up again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1saz/stranded_on_an_island/
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What’s the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket?

A pickpocket snatches watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1qd0/whats_the_difference_between_a_peeping_tom_and_a/
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What do Republicans use for birth control?

Their personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1pc7/what_do_republicans_use_for_birth_control/
%
Did you hear that Donald Trump claimed the Canadian Prime Minister uttered a falsehood?

It was Trudeau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1ont/did_you_hear_that_donald_trump_claimed_the/
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I hope you don't get your period on Valentine's Day.

It's going to be a pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1ofj/i_hope_you_dont_get_your_period_on_valentines_day/
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What do you get crossing an agnostic with an insomniac and a dyslexic?

Someone who sits up all night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1o7r/what_do_you_get_crossing_an_agnostic_with_an/
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To all you beautiful girls, Happy Valentine's Day!

To all your fat girls, chin up,  it's Pancake Day next week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1o4m/to_all_you_beautiful_girls_happy_valentines_day/
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I fell in love while starting my essay.

It was love at first cite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1mu0/i_fell_in_love_while_starting_my_essay/
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I just ended a 6 months relationship with a girl who had a squinty eye

Turns out she was seeing someone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1l8o/i_just_ended_a_6_months_relationship_with_a_girl/
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I'm sick of people comparing Trump to Hitler.

Hitler wrote his own book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1k3p/im_sick_of_people_comparing_trump_to_hitler/
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A parrot in a brothel.

A woman goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The owner of the pet shop tells her the only parrot they have is a rescue with questionable vocabulary since it previously lived in a brothel. The woman doesn't care and happily buys it and takes it home.
When they get home the parrot parrot looks around and says "new house new madame" and the woman laugh. Later, the daughters arrive and the parrot says "new house, new madame and new whores" and everyone laughs. At the end of the day the husband finally gets home and the parrot looks at him and says "new house, new madame, new whores and the same client. How is it going Sean?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1jui/a_parrot_in_a_brothel/
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An Oklahoman Rep referred to pregnant women as "hosts." That's so wrong!

They're hostesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1izy/an_oklahoman_rep_referred_to_pregnant_women_as/
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Punctuation: The difference between

knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1hoz/punctuation_the_difference_between/
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A tree falls on a woman. Does it make a sound?

Idk. The better question is why is there a tree in the kitchen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1ecp/a_tree_falls_on_a_woman_does_it_make_a_sound/
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Light travels faster than sound...

That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u1a6m/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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A Polish joke translated to english

Two guys were living in the same apartment building in identical flats. The first guy visits the second one and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great.
"This looks amazing" the first guy says and asks how many cans of paint he bought. The second guy says he bought seven.
The next day the first guy drives to the store, buys seven cans of paint and starts painting his flat. After few hours he finishes  the whole thing but he realises that he used only three cans of paint.
He calls the second guy:
"Hey man I've just finished painting the whole place, but I've used only 3 cans of paint and I have 4 left!"
Second guy - "Yeah, me too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u18kg/a_polish_joke_translated_to_english/
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I think my wife is cheating on me.

As l returned home from a business trip a day early, concerned that my wife may be having an affair, l was riding in a taxi at about 2:00 am towards my house, so l explained my situation to the taxi driver.
While en route home l asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
l explained that l suspected the wife is sleeping around on me, and l offered him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him.
By the time we reached the house, the cabbie agreed.
We park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, l flicked on the bedroom lights and ripped the blanket off the bed – and sure enough there my wife was sleeping with another man!
l was so distraught! l pulled a gun out of my pocket and put it to the naked man’s head. Just then, the wife yells “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!…”
HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
HE paid for your Raiders season tickets.
HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.
HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking my head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, l looked over at the cabby and asked “What should I do?”
The taxi driver replies, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u16el/i_think_my_wife_is_cheating_on_me/
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So I Organized a three-way last night...

There was a couple of no-shows, but overall, it worked out fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u111f/so_i_organized_a_threeway_last_night/
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This is a mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u0zrv/this_is_a_mean_joke/
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I bet the Whitehouse cleaning staff is happy that Trump is in office,

the toilets must be immaculate since all his shit comes out his mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u0x9e/i_bet_the_whitehouse_cleaning_staff_is_happy_that/
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A girl was meeting her boyfriend's parents for the first time

Unfortunately she was dealing with a severely upset stomach. As they were seated around the dinner table she had to try and release some of the crippling pressure, and decided to let out a little gas quietly. Her "little" fart resulted in a squeak audible enough that everyone at the table heard. Their heads snapped up, and the father looked at her, then the dog lying on the floor behind her chair and said "Max".
"This is great", she thought. "They think it was the dog" and everyone went back to eating. 5 minutes later the pain had returned and she felt the need to relieve more pressure. Without shifting she let out another fart, this one twice as loud and relieving as the last. Everyone looked up again and the father says "MAX!" much to her delight. Everyone resumed eating.
Feeling much better but still not out of the woods, the girl decided to go for the gusto and completely relieve herself from the still present pain of the gastro-fiend. Brimming with confidence she let out an unholy ripper, all of which lasted nearly 4 seconds. Everyone stopped eating and looked at one another. The father put down his fork, rose from his chair, looked at the dog and shouted..
"Max! For the love of God! Get away from there before she shits on you!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u0wk4/a_girl_was_meeting_her_boyfriends_parents_for_the/
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The Gods decided to create trees...

The land was barren with nothing but muddy ground, rock formations, some small creatures and a pair of humans. So the Gods decided to create 2 trees to live as partners. The female tree was named Eva and the male Lee. As all other forms of life around, the trees were naked.
Eva was not content with her existence. She accused the Gods of cruelty. Unlike the humans they were not able to cover their nakedness. She lived her days with embarrassment and sadness. Lee on the other hand was an optimistic tree. He loved life and although the nakedness bothered him slightly, he was mostly happy.
Eva asked Lee to request clothing from the Gods. She could not bare another day of shame. Lee was willing to do it because he wanted everyone to be happy.
The Gods, of course, saw everything that transpired on their land and they anticipated the trees' request. When the trees eventually summoned the Gods, the Gods told them,
"We see and know everything. We love our creations and we are saddened to see your misery. We have come up with a solution that will surely placate you, dear Eva. We did, however, take notice of Lee's joyful nature and have decided to award him with the solution first. We are truly grateful for your appreciation of our work, Lee. And now, the time for the final solution has arrived"
And the Gods leafed Happy Lee and Eva after

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u0uyp/the_gods_decided_to_create_trees/
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I asked a coworker why he listened to the same song over and over,

Turns out that's country music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u0qna/i_asked_a_coworker_why_he_listened_to_the_same/
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What is Bruce Lee's favourite drink?

WAAA-TAAHH!!﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u0odt/what_is_bruce_lees_favourite_drink/
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Most men don't find my penis funny.

But it makes a lot of women laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u0mr3/most_men_dont_find_my_penis_funny/
%
How do fleas travel?

They itch-hike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u0j13/how_do_fleas_travel/
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What's red and has seven little dents in it?

Snow White's cherry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u0is2/whats_red_and_has_seven_little_dents_in_it/
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Translated Arabic Joke, Hope it makes sense...

The UN is holding a competition to find out which intelligence agency is truly the best. The CIA, KGB and Syrian agencies show up for the competition. The rules are simple, a rabbit is released into the woods and the team to find the rabbit the fastest wins.
The rabbit is released and the CIA use their satellites and technology and find the rabbit in 2 hours.
The rabbit is released again and the KGB use their stealth hiding in trees and find the rabbit in 1 hour.
The rabbit is finally released and the Syrians run after it in the woods. 1 hour, 2 hours, 6 hours...nothing. So the CIA and KGB go in to look for their Syrian counterparts. They find a bear tied to a tree and a Syrian officer pacing bath and forth in front of it smoking his cigarette ," I am going to ask you for the last time, confess you are a rabbit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u0igh/translated_arabic_joke_hope_it_makes_sense/
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Ill be spending this Valentines day like Han.

Solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u0ib9/ill_be_spending_this_valentines_day_like_han/
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An older couple, who were both widowed.....

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment,
adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u08rs/an_older_couple_who_were_both_widowed/
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Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u058r/nearly_200000_californians_evacuated_due_to/
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I wanted to go out for Valentine's day, but my relationship is complex

I'm real, she's imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5u01zs/i_wanted_to_go_out_for_valentines_day_but_my/
%
I walk into a hardware store..

"Any two-watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That'll do. I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn't have any. "
"Any what?"
"Yes please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzxd8/i_walk_into_a_hardware_store/
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A priest and a rabbi walk past a school yard full of kids...

The priest says to the rabbi "hey, you wanna go fuck some of those kids?" The rabbi replies "out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzvof/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_walk_past_a_school_yard_full/
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Valentine's Gift [NSFW]

This year for Valentine's Day I got my girl a box of chocolates and a dildo.
If she doesn't like the chocolates, she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzvju/valentines_gift_nsfw/
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If a seagull flys over the sea, then what flys over the bay?

A bagel!
(Came up with this Louis CK style slapstick literature at 5 years old, give me bronze)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tztyx/if_a_seagull_flys_over_the_sea_then_what_flys/
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A man and woman were married for many years.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he suddenly died. After the burial, his wife’s neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzswm/a_man_and_woman_were_married_for_many_years/
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How long does it take for an Irish man to get to a .08 BAC?

Approximately 2 days of sobriety.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzski/how_long_does_it_take_for_an_irish_man_to_get_to/
%
What's big, red, and hurts your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzqxs/whats_big_red_and_hurts_your_teeth/
%
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzqqp/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
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Me and girlfriend don't usually do anything for valentines day, thought I'd surprise her so I booked a table for us, she was so excited when I told her

Never realised she liked snooker so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzlzu/me_and_girlfriend_dont_usually_do_anything_for/
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George W. Bush

went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side." Bush interrupted, "Well, that’s normal, isn’t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?" The doctor replied, "That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzk8m/george_w_bush/
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Clinton

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t. The pig was killed. The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. “What happened?” asked the President. “Well,” the driver replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.” “My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President. The driver replied: “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzivm/clinton/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzi9b/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Which US president was the least guilty?

Abraham Lincoln.
He was in-a-cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzgnu/which_us_president_was_the_least_guilty/
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A schoolreunion

A man named Chris sits down at a table at his high-school reunion. It's been a while since the last reunion, and he can't seem to remember a single face from the crowd.
Suddenly another guy sits down beside Chris. The man is very tall, about 6'3, and his face is stretched out. As if someone was pulling his face up and down at the same time.
The man introduces himself as John, a childhood friend of Chris. Chris remembers the name very well, but the man sitting beside him doesn't look anything like what he did in high-school.
No worries, John says. Almost no one recognizes me anymore. I used to be short and chubby, but nowadays I'm tall as a redwood and slim as a twig. This change of appearance happened in only a few months too! John laughs.
Chris seems a bit puzzled, so John tells him a bit more about what has happened in his life during this last year.
About eight months ago me and my wife lived in a slightly unsafe neighborhood. We were fine with it as we both own guns, and know what to avoid there.
The situation changed when my wife got pregnant. We didn't want to raise our child in an unsafe place, so we decided to move into a gated community.
A few weeks after we made our decision we found out that the CEO of Tesla, Elon Musk, was remaking a whole neighborhood into a modern gated community to test prototypes for Tesla.
A lot of people applied to get a house there, and luckily we were accepted. The grounds are very secure, and no one but the inhabitants and different services get in or out.
The only weird thing about living there is that we noticed that we started to stretch out a bit. When i moved there i was a bit below 5'7, but as you can notice I'm much taller now. Same goes for everyone else in the area.
Well why don't you leave? It seems very weird to live in a place where you mystically stretch out when you move in.
I guess that is the price of living in an Elon-gated community

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzepr/a_schoolreunion/
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Next time someone compares Trump to Mussolini, remind them of the biggest difference.

Mussolini was well hung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzbpf/next_time_someone_compares_trump_to_mussolini/
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Do you like sales?

Because in my house, clothes are 100% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tzatw/do_you_like_sales/
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A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair

She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tz9pb/a_young_blonde_fears_her_husband_is_having_an/
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Choices

A man went to claim his inheritance worth millions of dollars which was split between multiple people but he had to choose between flying down to Brazil or Argentina to get it. He chooses Argentina and when he gets there they tell him his inheritance is in coffee and and nuts while at the same time the land he would have inherited in Brazil was sitting on a gold mine.
Obviously upset but looking on the bright side he chose to take his inheritance while he still had it but they told him he had to choose either the coffee beans or the nuts and he chose nuts. He comes to find out the price of coffee beans goes up while nuts goes down.
Left with almost nothing he decides to move back home to the states and is left with the choice between taking the flight to New York or the Flight to Boston. He chooses the flight to Boston but as he's boarding the flight to Boston he takes a sneak peek at the flight to New York and sees that it's a very luxurious plane filled with beautiful flight attendants, sparkling wine and comfortable interior. He then takes a look inside his own plane and sees that it's filled with livestock, torn upholstery, and no food other than the food for the cattle.
On the journey to Boston the plane is caught in a terrible storm and the man remembers the story of Jonah and the whale. Feeling guilty for all the lives in the plane he tells the pilot to throw him out telling him that he's the reason for this mess. The pilot agrees but tells him he has to wear two parachutes when he jumps.
The man then jumps out the plane with the two parachutes and at the right time he pulls the left cord but it's rusty and won't activate.
"Good thing I have another one!" says the man as he pulls the second cord.
The parachute comes flying out but it's not connected to the backpack at all.
"Saint Francis save me!" the man yells out as loud as he can. At that moment a loud voice from the heavens booms out in response to the man: "Saint Francis of Assisi or Saint Francis of Xavier?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tz5y5/choices/
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I hate how you cant even say black paint anymore

Now I have to say "Leroy can you please paint the fence?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tz52q/i_hate_how_you_cant_even_say_black_paint_anymore/
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Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”
Susan answers, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”
The teacher is surprised by this answer and asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my Dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tz2wj/brian_raises_his_hand_and_says_hes_in_heaven/
%
Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"?

I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tyzxh/remember_when_you_were_a_kid_and_when_you_cried/
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My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tyytx/my_boss_said_to_me_youre_the_worst_train_driver/
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Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork.

But the bigger, heavier ones are delivered by a crane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tyqqw/smaller_babies_may_be_delivered_by_a_stork/
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I wanted to buy an Audi.

But I can't A4'd it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tylhy/i_wanted_to_buy_an_audi/
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What is the king of all school supplies?

The Ruler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tyii8/what_is_the_king_of_all_school_supplies/
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A rugby player was hurt very badly during a scrum and he had both of his ears ripped off...

Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing rugby for good.
His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money went his way.
One day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear business.
He bought the company outright but after signing on the dotted line, realized that he knew nothing about business.
He decided to employ someone to run the shop.
The next day he set up three interviews.
The first guy was great.
He knew everything he needed to and was very enthusiastic.
At the end of the interview, the former rugby player asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
And the man replied, “Why, yes, I couldn’t help noticing you have no ears.”
The rugby player got angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.
He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
She replied: “Well, you have no ears.”
He got upset again and showed her the door.
The third and last interview was with the best of the three.
He was a very young man fresh out of college.
He was smart and handsome and seemed to know all about the sportswear business.
The rugby player was anxious, but went ahead and asked him the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the young man answered: “Yes, you wear contact lenses.”
The former rugby player was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man you are. How in the world did you know that?”
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no flipping ears!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tygzy/a_rugby_player_was_hurt_very_badly_during_a_scrum/
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Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Girl?

You have to drop the Bomb twice before she gets the Message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tyess/why_is_it_so_hard_to_break_up_with_a_japanese_girl/
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3 women talk

"The other day I touched my husband's balls and realized that they are cold. Never noticed before!" - says the first.
Next day the second woman tells to the others:
"That's true! I touched my husband's balls and they are also cold. It's curious."
Next day the third woman appears with her eye blacked.
"What happened?" - her friends wonder.
"Well, I touched my husband's balls and then asked him why his balls are warm but all other men have them cold."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tydjg/3_women_talk/
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What's the difference between you and a Calendar?

A Calendar has a date on Valentine's day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tybdd/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_a_calendar/
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A guy calls home

'Hello!?'
'Hey! Honey, you wouldn't believe the day I'm having right now, I lost my phone!'
'Hello, I'm not your wife, I'm Cecelia, your new maid!'
'Oh! That's great! Welcome! I'm having a crazy day right now, can you please hand the phone to my wife?'
'I would but she just locked her room and went in with another man!'
'What!! That's a disaster! As if this day wouldn't get worse!! All these years, all this love for this day! I can't bear this anymore'
'I'm really sorry to hear that!'
'Don't be sorry, it's not your fault! I need a moment to think but time is running out! Do one thing... In the drawer below the phone there's a gun!'
'What!! I won't do anything stupid!!'
'No.. You don't understand.. I'm very rich and powerful.. No one can touch you and I'll pay you a million!'
'But...'
'I'll pay you two million but you have to be quick about it, he shouldn't get away!'
'Okay..'
Cecelia steps away and there are two bangs that are heard.
'I've done it'
'Excellent! Now throw the bodies in the empty pool at the back and I'll take care of them when I get back'
'What pool!???'
'Umm.. Is this 852236709?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tyajc/a_guy_calls_home/
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Roses are gray. Violets are gray.

I'm a dog.
Happy Valentine's Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ty9jc/roses_are_gray_violets_are_gray/
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Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today

Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txxsu/burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
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Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?

Because its full of Arab semen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txxq7/why_is_the_camel_called_the_ship_of_the_desert/
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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it...

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txwsv/a_gorgeous_young_redhead_goes_into_the_doctors/
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What does a women say after having 3 orgasms in a row?

Yeah I figured you wouldn't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txvq7/what_does_a_women_say_after_having_3_orgasms_in_a/
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A Man Gets Really Drunk

A man gets really drunk at a bar and asks the bartender for the bathroom.  The bartender points to the bathroom and the man complains about having to take a serious shit and runs towards it.
A few minutes later the man screams in agony, stops, then screams again.  The bartender goes to check it out and yells to the man, "What the hell is going on?"
"Everytime I press the lever, I feel like my balls are getting crushed!" the drunk yells.
"You drunk bastard," the bartender replies, "you're sitting on the mop strainer again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txv65/a_man_gets_really_drunk/
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I floss religiously.

I do it on Christmas and Easter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txtyd/i_floss_religiously/
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Manager : So do you think you'd be a good waiter?

Me : well, you could say I bring a lot to the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txsm2/manager_so_do_you_think_youd_be_a_good_waiter/
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An optometrist asks a woman out on a date

I have a couple of ideas:
1: Dinner
2: Movies
1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txs4x/an_optometrist_asks_a_woman_out_on_a_date/
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A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar

The bartender sighs and says; "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txrfd/a_pair_of_jumper_cables_walks_into_a_bar/
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How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txrcr/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Dad, how do you know if someone is drunk?

Dad: Look son, you see those two people walking by?, if I had seen 4, I would've been drunk.
Son: But dad, there's only one person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txoil/dad_how_do_you_know_if_someone_is_drunk/
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A man is shopping for cattle in 1886...

He finally settles on a perfect Black Angus bull. He says to the owner "Here's the money. I need to send a message to my wife to come pick up the bull. She already knows where I am but I need her to come pick him up now before it gets dark. Where can a fella send a telegram?" The owner tells him that he has a machine but it is $100 a word. "That's outrageous! I only have $100." The owner says to him "Better make it good then." The man thinks for a few minutes and plops down the cash. "Send her this word: Comfortable." The owner of the bull looks confused and asks "How will that tell her anything?" To which the man replies "Well my wife can barely read, so she'll just read it reeeeeeal slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txnv8/a_man_is_shopping_for_cattle_in_1886/
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Doctor, are you sure he was Dead?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
z
PS. This is actual testimony from a trial...........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txnqz/doctor_are_you_sure_he_was_dead/
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A lot of women turn into great drivers...

So if you're a great driver, look out for women who are turning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txmyo/a_lot_of_women_turn_into_great_drivers/
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A man finally buys tickets to bring his family to the super bowl...

He excitedly sits down in his seat and his family takes their seats to his right. The game is about to start and he notices the seat next to his left is empty. He leans over to the guy a seat over and says, 'Hey man, did you buy this seat? Who would miss the super bowl!?'
The man says to him, 'Yeah, I bought it for my wife but she passed away.'
The first guy says, 'Oh, man, I'm so sorry to hear that... didn't you have a family member or friend that wanted the seat? I mean... It's the super bowl.'
The man says, 'Yeah, there were a few, but they're all at the funeral.'
*****I know its a month late, but a co-worker just told me this and his jokes are usually terrible grandpa-level jokes, so I had to post it.*****

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txja2/a_man_finally_buys_tickets_to_bring_his_family_to/
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Why do the riot police show up at concerts early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txj9n/why_do_the_riot_police_show_up_at_concerts_early/
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Sex Statistics on a Plane.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average penises and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txidp/sex_statistics_on_a_plane/
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A flood warning is given, but the local priest decides to stay...

The water level starts rising, but he has faith that God will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails up to him.
"Hey," he says. "Need a lift?"
The priest shakes his head. "No thank you, I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find those more in need."
The rowboat heads off, and soon the water is up to the priest's chest.  A rescue boat loaded with supplies comes racing up to him.
"Grab my hand!" the captain yells. "We gotta get out of here!"
"No!" The priest yells. "There are others who need help. I assure you, the lord will save me!"
Reluctantly, the rescue boat rides off.
As the water continues to rise, the priest is forced to the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over to him and lowers a winch.
"Hold on!" Shouts the winchman as he holds out his hand.
But the priest again shakes his head. "No! The lord will save me! Go save someone else!"
Frustrated, the helicopter flies away.
Sadly, the water becomes too much for the priest to deal with and he goes under.
He finds himself in heaven, absolutely stunned. After going through the pearly gates, he walks straight up to God himself.
"Lord," the priest says, "I spent my life devoted to you. I truly believed that you would protect me through the hardest times in my life. Yet when I needed you most, when my life was at stake, you weren't there for me!"
"What are you talking about?" God replies. "I sent two boats and a fucking helicopter!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txhvu/a_flood_warning_is_given_but_the_local_priest/
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I got kicked out of a grocery store...

for taking a leek in the vegetable aisle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txc36/i_got_kicked_out_of_a_grocery_store/
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Measurements

A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape measure out of his toolbox. First he measured the width of the grill then his wife's bottom. "Yep, just as thought. It really is as big as the grill." The wife got offended and stormed back into the house.
Later that night, laying in bed, the husband started feeling frisky. He put his arm around his wife and said "hey honey, what do ya say we fool around a little bit?". The wife turned to face him and said "Now why would I fire up this big ol' grill for one little weenie?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txbj3/measurements/
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I am going out with my valentine tonight

I wish I could post it on different sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txbd0/i_am_going_out_with_my_valentine_tonight/
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A distraught man goes to his doctor and says "Doc, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my butt!"

The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him.
The man asks: "Doc, does it look serious?"
The doctor replies: "Sorry to tell you, but it's just the tip of the iceberg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5txagl/a_distraught_man_goes_to_his_doctor_and_says_doc/
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Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tx9do/relationships_are_a_lot_like_algebra/
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An Engineer Goes to Hell

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.
The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un jams it. People can get from place to place more easily.
The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on?
The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."
"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute."
The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tx8td/an_engineer_goes_to_hell/
%
An American and a Chinese were arguing about which government was better

The American boasts, "clearly the American government is better. You can go to the white house with a megaphone and yell 'Trump sucks!' and you wouldn't even be arrested."
The Chinese replied, "what of it? You can go to Tiananmen square and yell 'Trump sucks!'  and you still wouldn't be arrested."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tx7di/an_american_and_a_chinese_were_arguing_about/
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When m'y girlfriend said let's not bother and do nothing this year for valentine's day

I agreed and realised way later that included sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tx607/when_my_girlfriend_said_lets_not_bother_and_do/
%
It's hard to believe I can smoke five cigarettes on a two mile walk to work...

But it's not that I'm a chainsmoker, it's just the COPD makes me walk really slow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tx604/its_hard_to_believe_i_can_smoke_five_cigarettes/
%
My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace"

So I got her nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tx5ur/my_wife_told_me_for_valentines_day_nothing_would/
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Women are time and money

Women = time • money
Time is money
Women = money^2
Money is the root of all evil
Therefore
Women = Evil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tx4yx/women_are_time_and_money/
%
I need help writing a BDSM joke.

I'm having trouble working out all the kinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twzc8/i_need_help_writing_a_bdsm_joke/
%
Whats black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twxgc/whats_black_and_screams/
%
When did the man know it was time to dump his fat GF?

When he realized it just wasn't going to work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twvwj/when_did_the_man_know_it_was_time_to_dump_his_fat/
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How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

She chews before she swallows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twvdf/how_do_you_know_if_you_have_a_high_sperm_count/
%
So I'm dating this girl who has a twin sister, and one night I got confused

and ended up fucking her dad... :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twvbp/so_im_dating_this_girl_who_has_a_twin_sister_and/
%
A couple are walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas Eve.

They start to feel some light precipitation
"I think it's raining" says the man
"No it's snowing" replies the woman.
"How about we ask this communist officer here?" "He is always right" exclaims the man.
"Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining" officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife and says.
"See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twufa/a_couple_are_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
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Three types of boobs

A family was at the dinner table.
The son asked his Father: "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??
Surprised, the father answered:"Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs"
"In her 20's, a women's boobs are like Melons, round and firm."
"In her 30's to 40's, they are like Pears, still nice but hanging a bit."
"After 50, they are like Onions."
Son: "Onions??"
Father: "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This made his Wife and Daughter Mad, so the Daughter asked her Mom: "How many kinds of Penises are there?"
The Mother smiled and said,"Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases."
"In his 20's, his penis is like an Oak Tree, Mighty and Hard."
"In his 30's and 40's, it is like a Birch, Flexible but Reliable."
"After 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree."
Daughter: "Christmas Tree??"
Mom: "Yes, the Tree is Dead and the Balls are just For Decoration!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tws6c/three_types_of_boobs/
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You know how you can cut wood just by looking at it?

You saw it. You saw it with your own two eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tws5q/you_know_how_you_can_cut_wood_just_by_looking_at/
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3 nuns die and go to heaven...

They're greeted warmly by the big pearly gates. The welcoming angel is holding a big bowl of water. He asks the first nun - have you ever touched a man's penis?
The first nun trembles and says yes, she touched a penis but only with her fingers.
Dip your fingers into the holy water and you will be pure, instructs the angel. The nun dips her fingers in the water and is allowed through the big pearly gates.
The angel turns to the second nun and asks - did you touch a man's penis?
Before she could answer, the third nun blurts out - eww, I'm not drinking that water after it goes up her ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twrpv/3_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
A nurse walks up to the Doctor

The nurse walks up to the doctor and asks... Doc, what are you doing?  Doc says... I'm writing a prescription.  Nurse says, but you're holding your thermometer.  Doc looks at her and says God Damn it some asshole has my pen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twrk1/a_nurse_walks_up_to_the_doctor/
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I met a Soldier that survived Mustard Gas and Pepper spray

He was a seasoned Veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twqzh/i_met_a_soldier_that_survived_mustard_gas_and/
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A Chinese man is at a wedding

And he's approached by a Jewish man who is clearly very drunk and the Jewish man says to him, "Hey, I just wanted to let you know, I still blame YOU for Pearl Harbor."
And the Chinese man says, "What are you even talking about, that was the Japanese, I'm Chinese."
To which the Jewish man replies, "Chinese, Japanese, you all are the same to me." And he walks away.
Well this upset the Chinese man a bit so he decided to get a few drinks in him to help him calm down and maybe forget about the incident altogether.
And so the Chinese man proceeded to drink until the wedding was over and as he was walking out he saw the Jewish man who had upset him earlier and being as inebriated as he was he decided to say something.
The Chinese man goes to Jewish man, "Hey Buddy, I just wanted to let you know that I still blame YOU for the Titanic."
"The Titanic?" Said the Jewish man, "What are you even talking about, that was an iceberg?"
And the Chinese man says with a smug smile on his face, "Goldberg, iceberg, you're all the same to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twqfa/a_chinese_man_is_at_a_wedding/
%
How do you castrate Vladimir Putin?

Kick Donald Trump in the chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twnq8/how_do_you_castrate_vladimir_putin/
%
What did one boat say to the other?

Are you up for a little row-mance?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twj6j/what_did_one_boat_say_to_the_other/
%
Trump is suing Male enhancement giant Viagra..

He says it's a rigged erection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twh45/trump_is_suing_male_enhancement_giant_viagra/
%
an American and a Australian are in the trenches

the American asks: did you come here to die
the Australian says back: no i came here yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twg1j/an_american_and_a_australian_are_in_the_trenches/
%
God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.

My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, “God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.”
My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?”
I said, “No, I’ve got his girlfriend pregnant.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twfn7/god_i_wish_that_id_used_a_condom_now/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park the other day?

He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twevg/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_in_the_park_the/
%
Trump & Trudeau

Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were we discussing politics when Donald leans in close and says:
Donald: You know Justin, if the US were a Dictatorship I would be a Dictator.
Justin: Yea, I suppose so Donald.
Donald: And you know if the US were a Monarchy I would be a Monarch.
Justin: That's also true Don, but I hate to break it to you, the US is a Country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twdga/trump_trudeau/
%
Twin sisters just turned 100 years old

Twin sisters just turned one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5twb5a/twin_sisters_just_turned_100_years_old/
%
What do you get when you spell the word "man" backwards

Flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tw83v/what_do_you_get_when_you_spell_the_word_man/
%
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So people don't confuse them with feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tw682/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
%
What'd the cowboy say when he walked into the German car dealership?

Audi...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tw53r/whatd_the_cowboy_say_when_he_walked_into_the/
%
I went to the house I grew up in and wanted to look around

I knocked on the door and asked if I could, the people just slammed the door in my face.  My parents can be so rude sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tw3ri/i_went_to_the_house_i_grew_up_in_and_wanted_to/
%
An advertiser for coke is dispatched to Israel

When he comes back, his friend asks him how it went. He replies that it did not go well.
"What happened?" his friend asked.
"Well, since I didn't know hebrew, I decided to convey the ad through a comic. The first panel showed a guy in a desert, dying of thirst. The secone panel showed him drinking coke. And the third panel showed him completely rejuvenated."
"That sounds great! Why didn't it work?"
"Nobody told me they read right to left!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tw341/an_advertiser_for_coke_is_dispatched_to_israel/
%
An interviewer asks a shepard

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black ones or the brown ones?
Interviewer: Brown ones.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black ones?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which ones? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other ones?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black ones are mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown ones?
Farmer: they are also mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvzt7/an_interviewer_asks_a_shepard/
%
What's the difference between a playing card and Africa?

One is the ace of spades, the other is the space of aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvups/whats_the_difference_between_a_playing_card_and/
%
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar

At the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvtlu/two_men_are_sitting_drinking_at_a_bar/
%
What's the seamonster's favourite meal?

Fish & Ships

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvtfb/whats_the_seamonsters_favourite_meal/
%
I'm really torn on abortions...

On the one hand, I support it because it's killing babies. On the other hand, it gives women a choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvslu/im_really_torn_on_abortions/
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TIL: 80% of people will believe a fact if it has a percentage in it

Or so I've been told

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvol1/til_80_of_people_will_believe_a_fact_if_it_has_a/
%
TIFU by being dyslexic and kidnapping 42 people

Sorry, wrong bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvnft/tifu_by_being_dyslexic_and_kidnapping_42_people/
%
Putting it in.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvmme/putting_it_in/
%
What's red and bad for your teeth?

A Brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvmis/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...

that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvmfk/if_any_of_you_are_sad_about_being_alone_on/
%
Tomorrow, I'm going to go to my girlfriend, get on one knee, present flowers and a ring, and say...

"My love for you is like these flowers and this ring. It's gonna wither and die by the end of the month and is also insanely overvalued."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvk5h/tomorrow_im_going_to_go_to_my_girlfriend_get_on/
%
I might've just wrote the greatest joke of all time.

But I think I'm gonna wait until someone else posts it here first though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvjcr/i_mightve_just_wrote_the_greatest_joke_of_all_time/
%
Ravens and Crows

A good friend told me a story once. When she was a kid her family would often go to zoos and museums while on vacation. They were in the aviary on one of those visits looking at birds. My friend saw a crow asked the zookeeper a question.
"What's the difference between a raven and a crow?"
The zookeeper looked at her, smiled and started to answer.
"Have you ever heard of a pinion feather?" he said. "Pinions are the the feathers at the tip of a bird's wing that allows it to fly. They are also the ones that people will trim to prevent birds from flying away. Crows have 5 pinion feathers while ravens have 6. So, if you think about it, it's really just a matter of a pinion."
To this day, my friend and her family don't know the real answer to "What's the difference between a crow and a raven?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvhzw/ravens_and_crows/
%
Can February march???

No, but April may.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvh1j/can_february_march/
%
You're a very beautiful girl

... and you have a nice personality and a beautiful smile
Girl: you just wanna get into my pants
Boy: you're intelligent as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvedl/youre_a_very_beautiful_girl/
%
Why are women attracted to intelligent men?

Opposites attract

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvdz8/why_are_women_attracted_to_intelligent_men/
%
I'm obsessed with pushing my penis between my legs and pretending I'm a woman.

It all started when my dad used to tuck me in at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tvdu5/im_obsessed_with_pushing_my_penis_between_my_legs/
%
Math class

Teacher asks Johnny:
"Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?"
"An orgy?"
Edited: names spelling, grammar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tv498/math_class/
%
How do bread cells divide?

They sbread apart through mitoastis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tv41j/how_do_bread_cells_divide/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tv36i/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
I'm selling an authentic French rifle..

It was never fired and only dropped once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tv0pn/im_selling_an_authentic_french_rifle/
%
Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars

The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tuztc/breaking_news_a_movie_theatre_has_just_been/
%
How to properly propose to a stoner

Marriage-you-wanna?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tuzkp/how_to_properly_propose_to_a_stoner/
%
Old McDonald had a farm...

2.71828 √(-1) 2.71828 √(-1) (5-5)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tuxa3/old_mcdonald_had_a_farm/
%
Why did the muslim guy rig a competition?

So he could win Allah the prizes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tuu4o/why_did_the_muslim_guy_rig_a_competition/
%
My father died from an overdose of Viagra recently.

It's been a hard time for us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tusk0/my_father_died_from_an_overdose_of_viagra_recently/
%
What's the United States' biggest, most well-known export?

Troops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tuond/whats_the_united_states_biggest_most_wellknown/
%
I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..

Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tuntg/i_thought_a_vasectomy_wouldnt_get_my_wife_pregnant/
%
I learned sign language

It's very handy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tunql/i_learned_sign_language/
%
You know what's really odd?

Numbers that aren't divisible by two.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tume2/you_know_whats_really_odd/
%
A monkey is getting stoned in a tree..

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey
"Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says, "Fuck man! How much water did you drink?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tulqd/a_monkey_is_getting_stoned_in_a_tree/
%
What do you call the cleavage of a woman with fake breasts?

Silicone Valley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tullq/what_do_you_call_the_cleavage_of_a_woman_with/
%
I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?"

. OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tukgs/i_asked_an_old_man_even_after_95_years_you_still/
%
Some women love playing hard to get.

Closing their blinds, locking their doors, calling the police...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tug0u/some_women_love_playing_hard_to_get/
%
A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop...

A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop.
The woman standing next to him says "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK..." says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"Errors are serious, warnings are nothing...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tuddt/a_man_stands_chain_smoking_at_a_bus_stop/
%
Californians hate walls so much...

They cried until the Oroville dam collapsed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tud7p/californians_hate_walls_so_much/
%
A man drove his car into a tree.

He found out how a Mercedes bends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tud6j/a_man_drove_his_car_into_a_tree/
%
I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tuck5/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_98/
%
I wanted to make a joke about chemistry tests

But NaH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tua38/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_chemistry_tests/
%
Pass the dam fish!

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them "dam fish." The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tu968/pass_the_dam_fish/
%
Finding the perfect shower temperature on the first try is like my girlfriend

Non existent, but I hope every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tu89x/finding_the_perfect_shower_temperature_on_the/
%
A dick has a sad life if you think about it

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and to top it all off, his owner beats him regularly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tu7s0/a_dick_has_a_sad_life_if_you_think_about_it/
%
Jehovah's witnesses are always banging on my door everyday

Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tu1sd/jehovahs_witnesses_are_always_banging_on_my_door/
%
The choice for president came down to two candidates: the moody bitch or

Hillary Clinton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tu1g5/the_choice_for_president_came_down_to_two/
%
Why are Jewish men usually circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't take anything that's less than 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttxs9/why_are_jewish_men_usually_circumcised/
%
Who is Trump's favorite YouTuber?

CrazyRussianHacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttx02/who_is_trumps_favorite_youtuber/
%
My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material

But I won't be suede

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttwuc/my_friend_is_trying_to_convince_me_to_replace_all/
%
Never swallow scrabble tiles...

That shit could spell disaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttvi9/never_swallow_scrabble_tiles/
%
A woman gets a new number

She sends a text message to her husband.
W - "Hi honey, this is my new number. Can't wait to see you tonight"
M - "Hey babe. I can't tonight. I'm having dinner with my wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttulk/a_woman_gets_a_new_number/
%
A woman was getting out of the shower

As her husband was getting in; and she heard the door bell and quickly wrapped herself in a towel and went downstairs. She opened the door and it was their next door neighbor, Mike. He said, I'll give you eight hundred dollars if you drop that towel right now. She thought, well that's a lot of money, so she dropped the towel. He gave her the money and left. She went upstairs and told her husband that the neighbor Mike had come by. He asked if he gave her the eight hundred dollars he owed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttspq/a_woman_was_getting_out_of_the_shower/
%
A Frenchman, an Italian and a Jewish man die and go to heaven....

An angel ushers the Frenchman into a room filled with every French delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of French onion soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it.
The Frenchman thinks for a moment and stands back in fear.
An angel ushers the Italian into a room filled with every Italian delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of Minestrone soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it.
The Italian thinks for a moment and stands back in fear.
An angel ushers the Jewish man into a room filled with every type of Jewish delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of chicken soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it.
The Jewish guy thinks for a moment and begins stuffing his face with food.
The puzzled angel has never seen this before. No one ever dared to eat the food in fear of being thrown into the boiling soup. He asked the Jewish fellow - I don't understand, the Frenchman and Italian were too scared to eat, are you not afraid?
The Jewish guy answered - nah, I know how these Jewish events work, 5:00 is never 5:00 and the soup is never that hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tto6p/a_frenchman_an_italian_and_a_jewish_man_die_and/
%
Have you ever noticed that Ireland is just one sea away from....

Iceland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tto1g/have_you_ever_noticed_that_ireland_is_just_one/
%
My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttnko/my_wife_said_she_wanted_to_feel_special_this/
%
It must be hard working as a prostitute.

After all, work just comes and goes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttniy/it_must_be_hard_working_as_a_prostitute/
%
For the valentines spirit

Roses are red violets are blue I am pregnant but it is not from you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttn62/for_the_valentines_spirit/
%
roses are red, violets are blue

in soviet russia, poems write you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttmst/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
I recently came into some money.

You should have seen the look on the cashier's face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttllh/i_recently_came_into_some_money/
%
You know what I hate?

People who answer their own questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttla0/you_know_what_i_hate/
%
The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone!

The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttkzg/the_pathology_lab_was_robbed_last_night_the_stool/
%
When I went to pay for my items in a spiritualist shop I noticed a sign saying 'Queue on the other side'.

So I killed myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttjpf/when_i_went_to_pay_for_my_items_in_a_spiritualist/
%
What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:

1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. OK, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttjel/what_my_girlfriend_thought_first_four_dates/
%
Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tthyn/q_what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_with_a_yeast/
%
*Airhorn sound*

*Second airhorn sound*
Me: "Well this clearly isn't deodorant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttfej/airhorn_sound/
%
A rich guy dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

He offers Peter gold, thinking he can buy his way in. Peter looks at it and says, "You brought me pavement?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ttdbj/a_rich_guy_dies_and_goes_to_the_gates_of_heaven/
%
Posting a joke on a Reddit is like going in a bar.

Sometimes you get lucky, but most of the time you just lose your self esteem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tta1e/posting_a_joke_on_a_reddit_is_like_going_in_a_bar/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert when their car breaks down. They decide they must walk across the desert. The Englishman takes an umbrella out of the boot and begins walking. The Irishman takes out his flask, fills it with whisky and follows the Englishman. The scot rips the door off the car and runs to catch up with the others.
Sometime later they come across an Arab caravan. A man walks up to them and says to the Englishman ‘Sahib, you know that it does not rain around these parts?’ The Englishman replies ‘Ah but you see it is not for the rain, it is for the sun.’ And so the Arab knew the Englishman was truly wise. He turns to the Irishman and says ‘You have a flask but it is not filled with water?’ ‘Well you see’ says the Irishman ‘water can be trouble around here so I filled it with something more precious instead.’ And so the Arab knew the Irishman was truly wise. ‘And you sir, for what reason do you carry the door?’ so the Scotsman says ‘Well I figure, if I get too hot I can just wind down the window.’
*formatting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tt805/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_are/
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A farmer was letting his 26 cows graze on a field near his farm with his dog

when suddenly he sees a rain cloud approach. He doesn't want his animals getting soaked or they might end up cold.
He quickly scavenges for a bunch of branches and combines it with a tarp that he brought just for this occasion to build a make shift shelter. He whistles for his dog to herd them under the haphazard roof. He does a quick count and is shocked to find he suddenly has 30 cows.
The next day he brings his wife along with his cows. Without even waiting for rain he builds a canvas roof and herds all his cows inside and again his 26 cows turn into 30. But his wife is less than impressed.
"Don't you think that's amazing?!" he asks her.
The Wife replies, "It's just as expected, you rounded them up to the nearest tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tt7cq/a_farmer_was_letting_his_26_cows_graze_on_a_field/
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What's black and eats pussy?

Cervical cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tt6dg/whats_black_and_eats_pussy/
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I just dropped my phone in a load of mayo.

What the hellman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tt3rx/i_just_dropped_my_phone_in_a_load_of_mayo/
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What's the smallest organ in a goat?

An ISIS members' dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tt2ru/whats_the_smallest_organ_in_a_goat/
%
4 hookers

How do you get 4 hookers on to one stool?
Turn It upside down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tt2bs/4_hookers/
%
roses are red, violets are blue,

pornhub is down; your facebook will do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tt1dp/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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Communism jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tszzo/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
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A Man Escapes From Prison

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tsy9f/a_man_escapes_from_prison/
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Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet?

So they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tsud4/why_do_they_have_bar_codes_on_the_returning/
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I once got into so much debt

I couldn't even afford my electricity bills, they were the darkest times of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tsua0/i_once_got_into_so_much_debt/
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Back then, if I wanted to see her panties, I had to lift her skirt.

Today, if I want to see her panties, I have to spread her butt cheeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tsts2/back_then_if_i_wanted_to_see_her_panties_i_had_to/
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I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend...

Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tsqv9/i_had_to_break_up_with_my_crosseyed_girlfriend/
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I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it...

Wrecking an 18-year-old's pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tsqe7/i_hope_i_leave_this_world_the_same_way_i_came/
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The alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome...

A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope.
After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. "Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!"
A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple.
"Every two years?" he shouted. "We're still waiting for his second coming!"
"Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?" suggested the alien.
"Chocolate?" replied the Pope. "What in heaven's name does chocolate have to do with it?"
"Well," said the alien. "When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. Why, what did you do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tslvm/the_alien_vessel_landed_quietly_on_st_peters/
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A Lady visited a bar for the first time..

She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender..
the guy sitting on her left said: "Jack Daniels, Single"
the Guy on her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"
now the bartender looked at the lady & said, "And You?"
Lady replied: "Yolanda, Married"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tsl7q/a_lady_visited_a_bar_for_the_first_time/
%
Ever tasted Ethiopian food?

Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tsiwl/ever_tasted_ethiopian_food/
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What's wrong with that 5 year old Ethiopian?

He's having a mid-life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tshw2/whats_wrong_with_that_5_year_old_ethiopian/
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What currency do they use in outer space?

Starbucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tsfze/what_currency_do_they_use_in_outer_space/
%
How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tscx1/how_do_you_milk_sheep/
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What do you call a guy who gets lots of blowjobs?

Successful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tsbo6/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_gets_lots_of_blowjobs/
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The most attractive thing about your mom...

Is her gravitational pull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ts9p9/the_most_attractive_thing_about_your_mom/
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An atheist, a vegan and a CrossFitter walk into a bar

I only know because they told everyone within two minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ts95n/an_atheist_a_vegan_and_a_crossfitter_walk_into_a/
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So the bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve time travelers here"

A time traveler walk into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ts940/so_the_bartender_says_im_sorry_but_we_dont_serve/
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A sex addict decided to repent and volunteer in the local church...

The first day, the priest was teaching him the new job. A girl walked into the church and confessed that she commited adultery once. The priest said: "You need to donate one dollar to the church so God may forgive you". So she did that and left. Then came another woman and confessed commiting adultery twice, so the priest told her she needs to donate two dollars to the church. Then the priest said:"You got the hang of it, I'm going to the bathroom and you need to do the same thing until I come back, and remember, never take more money than you should". When the priest came back he found the new guy fucking a woman on the altar, he got mad and started yelling: "Are you out of your mind! What are you doing?!" The sex addict replied: "Calm down man, this one said she commited adultery eight times and she donated a 10 dollar bill and I didn't have any change to give back to her so I had to fuck her twice".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ts7vb/a_sex_addict_decided_to_repent_and_volunteer_in/
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A mother takes her three son’s to enroll in school. The teacher asks.

Teacher: What are your son’s names?
Lady: This boy’s name is Leroy, this other boy’s name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son’s name.
Teacher: Isn’t it confusing having all three boy’s named the same?
Lady: Oh no, you see when it’s time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it’s time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for dinner and they all come a runnin.
Teacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy?
Lady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ts4vf/a_mother_takes_her_three_sons_to_enroll_in_school/
%
Has anyone found a date for Valentine's?

I did!
It's on 14th Feb!
Laugh please I'm pathetic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ts3ua/has_anyone_found_a_date_for_valentines/
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I can never understand organic chemistry.

It has alkynes of problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ts03t/i_can_never_understand_organic_chemistry/
%
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant.

But then I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5trzzd/i_wasnt_originally_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
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What do trees do when they get mad at each other?

Throw shade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5trxbi/what_do_trees_do_when_they_get_mad_at_each_other/
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Did you hear about the kid-napping at the school?

Well, he's fine. He's awake now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5trv95/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_the_school/
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Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?

Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5trtfi/son_dad_am_i_adopted/
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A man walks on a street and sees an open manhole

He cries into it: "Fuck you bitch!"
Then echo replies: "Bitch you fuck!"
A bit puzzled, he cries again: "Bitch you fuck!"
And a second later, he hears: "Fuck you bitch!"
Even more puzzled, he cries inside: "Fuck you bitch bitch you fuck!"
The manhole replies: "Fuck off dude, I'm trying to work here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5trstg/a_man_walks_on_a_street_and_sees_an_open_manhole/
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I saw a seagull

I saw a huge seagull this morning. It was big enough to be a D gull... But not quite big enough to be an eagle.  One thing's for sure, it definitely wasn't a beagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5trr7q/i_saw_a_seagull/
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What I find most sexy in a girl is her personality

Girl: Oh good, cus I have several of those!
Guy: Uh... what?
Girl: _Shh!_ don't _listen_ to _her!_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5trmje/what_i_find_most_sexy_in_a_girl_is_her_personality/
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For my wife's birthday, I got a guy to follow her all day making bee noises.

She really wanted a hummer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5trk2p/for_my_wifes_birthday_i_got_a_guy_to_follow_her/
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Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tri1w/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
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Breaking news: An entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen

The police is looking for a gang of hardened criminals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5trhk9/breaking_news_an_entire_shipment_of_viagra_has/
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What do you call a cow with no legs...

Ground beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5trdl3/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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Sex with three people is called a threesome.

Sex with two people is called a twosome.
That is why they call me handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5trbbo/sex_with_three_people_is_called_a_threesome/
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I accidently lost some chromosomes today

Now I'm feeling rather down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tr8kr/i_accidently_lost_some_chromosomes_today/
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I accidentally butt dialed my proctologist once...

I told him it was an accident... he said I was full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tr69z/i_accidentally_butt_dialed_my_proctologist_once/
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Did you know that animals make a different sounds depending what part of the world you are in....?

For example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound!
*I know I am going to hell for this but this was an old joke that was told to me. *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tr1to/did_you_know_that_animals_make_a_different_sounds/
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A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar

The bartender asks: Hey cool, where'd you get it?
The parrot says: Africa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tr1ks/a_black_guy_with_a_parrot_on_his_shoulder_walks/
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Why do ghosts have trouble meeting girls at bars?

Because they're only there for the boos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tr0y4/why_do_ghosts_have_trouble_meeting_girls_at_bars/
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What does Superman put in his drink?

Just ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tr05b/what_does_superman_put_in_his_drink/
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqvz0/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
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Breaking News:

As if it isnt broken fucking enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqvdn/breaking_news/
%
For Sale: French WWII Rifle

Never fired.  Only dropped once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqtre/for_sale_french_wwii_rifle/
%
Damn girl, are you Muslim?

'cause that ass is bomb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqt0b/damn_girl_are_you_muslim/
%
I painted my computer black

so that it would run faster, but now it doesn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqsxi/i_painted_my_computer_black/
%
If it's yellow, let it mellow

If it's brown, stop it at the border and submit it to extreme vetting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqsa7/if_its_yellow_let_it_mellow/
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Quiet guy in class had this gem of a response

Military history class. We have this one guy in class who doesn't really say much and tends to keep to himself; just figured one of those 'man of few words' kinda guys. One day, we were discussing the planes used in WW2. Ensuing discussion goes as such
Professor: So what planes did we have during that time?
Student 1: Well we had the Cobra and Mustang
Professor: Ok and what did the Japanese have?
Student 2: Japanese had zeros
Professor: And what was the main difference between us and them?
Quiet kid: We didn't crash as much
The professor tried to keep it together but started rolling, dropped his marker, and said 'Class dismissed'. We had 20 minutes left. Thanks quiet kid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqrom/quiet_guy_in_class_had_this_gem_of_a_response/
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Three Nuns Die

In a car crash and go to heaven, Sister Margeret, Sister Patricia, and Sister Mary. They meet Peter at the gates of heaven.
Peter : " Before any of you get in, you need to wash the part of your body in the fountain of holy water that has been lustfully used to sin"
Sister Margeret walks to the fountain and washes her hands.
Peter : " Thankyou Sister Margeret you may walk through", Sister Patricia, your next.
As Sister Patricia walks up, Sister Mary quickly runs and pushes her out of the way and gets to the fountain first.
Peter : "Wait your turn!!!!, you cannot push in like that!!.
Sister Mary: " Please!!! , Please!!!, let me wash out my mouth before Sister Patricia puts her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqr1t/three_nuns_die/
%
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and.....

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqqgy/a_guy_stuck_his_head_into_a_barbershop_and/
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What did one muffin say to the other?

'Whew! It's hot in this oven!'
How did the other muffin reply?
'Holy shit! A talking muffin!'
Go easy on me, it's my first post to reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqp88/what_did_one_muffin_say_to_the_other/
%
A woman is at home when she hears someone......

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqows/a_woman_is_at_home_when_she_hears_someone/
%
A British guy, a Frenchman and a Russian were in a bar debating

whether Adam and Eve were British, French, or Russian.
The British guy says, " Obviously they were both British, observe how Adam offered Eve some of his apple after he received it from her, true British manners".
French guy says: "Non, non, monsieur they were both French. First of all they were both NAKED, and Eve was so feminine and seductive and drove Adam nuts".
Russian guy says: "Both of you are wrong. I can prove conclusively that Adam and Eve were nothing but Russian. They had no clothes. They had no heat.  All that was left to eat was one lousy apple and they called it paradise!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqo2p/a_british_guy_a_frenchman_and_a_russian_were_in_a/
%
Redneck murders are hard to solve.

Never any dental records and all the DNA's the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqk02/redneck_murders_are_hard_to_solve/
%
Why did the Spanish guy rob a train?

He had a *loco*-motive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqic9/why_did_the_spanish_guy_rob_a_train/
%
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

About 50 pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqi5x/whats_the_difference_between_a_girlfriend_and_a/
%
Luke cage

In marvels luke cage everyone thinks that luke has super powers because he's bullet proof.
But bullet proof black people isn't a super power it's straight up evolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqi4h/luke_cage/
%
What kind of deodorant do dwarves use?

They don't like to choose but when they do they pickaxe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqgpa/what_kind_of_deodorant_do_dwarves_use/
%
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they're going to pay.

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqfmv/someone_stole_my_microsoft_office_and_theyre/
%
I have the most boring job of all...

I run an oil drill rig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqeru/i_have_the_most_boring_job_of_all/
%
The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tqcre/the_imperial_wizard_of_the_kkk_was_just_found/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

I don't like chocolate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tq9go/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What's the problem with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and other people don't think they're jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tq86m/whats_the_problem_with_lawyer_jokes/
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Man travels to Spain

A man travels to Spain and decides to watch one of the bullfighting matches for which Spain is well known.
The match was intense & thrilling. Unlike anything which can be found anywhere else in the world. Afterwards there was a celebration for the Torero (Bullfighter) and the crowd slowly dispersed, with the man leaving among the last of them so that he could savor the experience.
Once he'd exited the arena, he noticed large groups from the group gathering at a restaurant across the street. Hungry, the man followed as well and decided to experience the native cuisine.
As the night progressed, he had joined a few others at a table and began chatting with them joyously about the match. Until he noticed that at one table a very wealthy looking man had been made the center of attention by the restaurants staff as the chef personally brought out a special silver plate with strange meat on them.
Curious, the man asked his new friends what was so special about that man. One of the men at his table explained that the man was a foreigner, much like him, who has payed handsomely for the privilege of eating the spirit of the bull which died in the arena. Which according to them was symbolically located in the testicles of the powerful animal.
Obviously amazed by the ritual, he noticed how excited & happy the man was. Being quite wealthy himself, he asked if there was any way for him to pay for the same honor. After a short talk with the restaurants owner, he came to an agreement and reserved a plate for tomorrow.
Though he didn't get a chance to watch the bullfights that day, he had anxiously been waiting since the previous night for this moment. And now that he was at the restaurant he couldn't help but rush to his table and wait for his meal.
After a few moments, the staff gathered and the chef brought out the same plate as the previous night, except that there was noticeably less meat on it this time.
Confused, the man asked the chef if the bull had been smaller than the one from yesterday.
The chef merely replied that the bull is quite large, alive, and in good health, it was the Torero who lost today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tq6hq/man_travels_to_spain/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not three because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tq5om/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call Chewbacca's Chinese cousin?

A Fortune Wookie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tq4lp/what_do_you_call_chewbaccas_chinese_cousin/
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What's the difference between tired and exhausted?

When you run in front of a car, you get tired. When you run behind a car, you get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tq444/whats_the_difference_between_tired_and_exhausted/
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Caught my penis cheating on my wife today.

Luckily after a few beatings, it learned it's lesson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tq1as/caught_my_penis_cheating_on_my_wife_today/
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You know how they say "a woman's work is never done"?

Maybe that is why they get paid less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tq0jk/you_know_how_they_say_a_womans_work_is_never_done/
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Ordered 4 drinks at McDonald's.....

....so they wouldn't think all 50 chicken nuggets were for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tq01h/ordered_4_drinks_at_mcdonalds/
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My Grandfather told me my generation is to reliant on technology.

I told him, "no Grandpa, yours does."    Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tpxyu/my_grandfather_told_me_my_generation_is_to/
%
It must suck to have your period on valentines day

But an even bigger pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tpvdl/it_must_suck_to_have_your_period_on_valentines_day/
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I just put my hair in a bun.

It wasn't very nice, I think I'll try it with a croissant next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tpsmu/i_just_put_my_hair_in_a_bun/
%
My favourite sport starts with a "T".

It's golf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tpoyf/my_favourite_sport_starts_with_a_t/
%
A couple of hunters from Wyoming are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tpor5/a_couple_of_hunters_from_wyoming_are_out_in_the/
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My neighbours named their child "Saturn".

That's not something I'd call my child, but it has got a ring to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tpoec/my_neighbours_named_their_child_saturn/
%
I love dead baby jokes

Because they never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tpn0c/i_love_dead_baby_jokes/
%
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner.

She said, "Somewhere that has fish."
So I pushed her in the river.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tpmqr/i_asked_my_wife_where_she_wanted_to_go_for_dinner/
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My girlfriend and I were moving each others comic book collection and now we both have to see a chiropractor.

Because we both have back issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tphqn/my_girlfriend_and_i_were_moving_each_others_comic/
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Is there a reason you ate that entire fish sandwich?

To be honest, I did it for the halibut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tpciu/is_there_a_reason_you_ate_that_entire_fish/
%
Schools should have a class designed for introverts...

*anti-social studies*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tpbks/schools_should_have_a_class_designed_for/
%
what is blue and has 27 tits?

the trashbag at a cancer clinic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tp9u1/what_is_blue_and_has_27_tits/
%
Coding Jokes

post coding jokes
I will <br> your heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tp4fp/coding_jokes/
%
It's not fair to compare Trump to Hitler.

Hitler appreciated the arts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tp3vl/its_not_fair_to_compare_trump_to_hitler/
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Do you know the most outstanding thing about our illegal immigrants?

Their warrants.
(Here come the down-votes!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tp3fo/do_you_know_the_most_outstanding_thing_about_our/
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What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?

Harry Potter rode the train back.
I'm not apologizing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tozii/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_the/
%
I used to smoke weed in the 90's

Now I don't care what temperature it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5toy8l/i_used_to_smoke_weed_in_the_90s/
%
So an Irish man walks out of a pub.

What? It could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5towhk/so_an_irish_man_walks_out_of_a_pub/
%
Did you hear about the potato the Russians put into space?

They called it Spudnik

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tou85/did_you_hear_about_the_potato_the_russians_put/
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I use to like going skiing. But that hobby...

Went downhill so fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tou78/i_use_to_like_going_skiing_but_that_hobby/
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I was walking past a construction site and the guy hammering on the roof called me a paranoid little weirdo...

...in morse code.
[Credit goes to Emo Phillips]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tomg4/i_was_walking_past_a_construction_site_and_the/
%
Why does a squirrel swim on it's back?

To keep his nuts dry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tokd5/why_does_a_squirrel_swim_on_its_back/
%
How big was the iceberg that sank the Titanic?

Cap size

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5toi1i/how_big_was_the_iceberg_that_sank_the_titanic/
%
Some crocodiles can grow 17-20 ft

But most have 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tofhv/some_crocodiles_can_grow_1720_ft/
%
Lost my job today...

Told my boss I was always late cause I had diarrhea .. he told me I was full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tocyd/lost_my_job_today/
%
I was inquiring about seating for two at a new restaurant and they asked if I had reservations...

I said that I had some, but that I was willing to give it a try.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tobix/i_was_inquiring_about_seating_for_two_at_a_new/
%
What can you make with epileptic lettuce?

A seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5to9t5/what_can_you_make_with_epileptic_lettuce/
%
What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5to8g9/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
If you're ever attack by a group of clowns....

Make sure to go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5to7h6/if_youre_ever_attack_by_a_group_of_clowns/
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Why did Germany almost go bankrupt?

Because the Holo-cost a lot of money. Anne Frankly, it wasn't worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5to6vf/why_did_germany_almost_go_bankrupt/
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What did the egg say when it turned up?

Om lit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5to47t/what_did_the_egg_say_when_it_turned_up/
%
Someone just asked me if I'd take a bullet for the last person I had sex with

Sure, she's a bitch, but of course I'd take a bullet for my cousin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5to0yt/someone_just_asked_me_if_id_take_a_bullet_for_the/
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I use to be a car racer...

But I didn't have the drive for it and I drifted away from that career.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tnyq8/i_use_to_be_a_car_racer/
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The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs...

...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tnwhu/the_reason_for_the_wage_gap_is_that_men_have_high/
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What is the easiest way to tell if somebody is vegan?

Oh, don't worry. They'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tnrb1/what_is_the_easiest_way_to_tell_if_somebody_is/
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So I was telling my dad

That the entire team that worked on finding Nemo had to take fish biology 101. Then he says "so does it ever bother you that the fish are talking?"
That was the hardest I laughed in a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tnibh/so_i_was_telling_my_dad/
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The only mistake I ever made...

Was buying a pencil with an eraser on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tnccf/the_only_mistake_i_ever_made/
%
What do you call a guy thats half Mexican and half Chinese that wears only one sneaker?

Juan Chu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tna00/what_do_you_call_a_guy_thats_half_mexican_and/
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What does a mexican use to cut his pizza?

Little Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tn9jw/what_does_a_mexican_use_to_cut_his_pizza/
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Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tn84z/breaking_news_bill_gates_has_agreed_to_pay_for/
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The man approached the very beautiful.....

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tn7wg/the_man_approached_the_very_beautiful/
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My Son got sent home from school for the third time this year for letting a girl wank him off in class...

...I told him "maybe teaching isn't for you.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tn6w8/my_son_got_sent_home_from_school_for_the_third/
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A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed

After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his *own* decision for once: Committing suicide.
So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his car in his garage and tapes a garden hose to the exhaust pipe. He starts his car and puts the hose in his mouth, inhaling deeply, anticipating the sweet release of death. Soon after, he succumbs to his poison of choice and falls down, dying slowly as if he was simply falling asleep.
His wife comes home and discovers him. Horrified, she sees a piece of paper next to him and picks it up, thinking it will be a suicide note to give her some clarity on what made him choose this terrible act. In familiar handwriting, she sees scribbled on the page:
**INSTRUCTIONS**
Step 1: Connect José to hose B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tn60m/a_hispanic_carpenter_is_feeling_depressed/
%
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.....

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.
The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,
why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,
and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tn2dh/one_night_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_sad/
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A Genius, an Old Farmer, and a Boy Scout are on a plane...

...The pilot enters the cabin and says, "I'm terribly sorry. I've done everything I can, but the plane is falling and going to crash. Now, there are only 3 parachutes on this plane. I've got a wife at home with 2 young kids and another on the way, so I'm going to use one of them." He then picks up a parachute, puts it on, and jumps out of the plane.
The Genius says, "I am the smartest person in the world. My death would be a huge loss because of my immense knowledge. I simply must survive this crash." He follows after the pilot.
The Old Farmer looks at the Boy Scout and says, "Well, son, I've lived a long, fulfilling life. You have your whole future ahead of you. You take the last parachute." The Boy Scout replies, "Don't worry sir, we'll both survive. The Genius took my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tn12i/a_genius_an_old_farmer_and_a_boy_scout_are_on_a/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn't matter, because feminists can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tn10o/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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An old lady was talking to her husband on Valentine's day evening....

"Dear, honestly answer this. What did you think when you saw me the first time 50 years ago?"
He says "I thought I so want to suck your titties dry and fuck your brains out..."
Wife giggles hearing this answer. While biting her lips she says "Well... what do you think of me now?"
He says without skipping a beat " I think I did a fairly good job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tn0n2/an_old_lady_was_talking_to_her_husband_on/
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A lovely woman is first in line at a bus stop.

The bus opens its doors to let her on. She lifts her leg for the step and funds she cannot reach it. She realizes it must be her tight dress and reaches back and unzips it a little bit.
Again, she brings her leg up and still cannot reach the first step of the bus. A little more embarrassed, she reaches back again and unzips her dress a good deal more.
But again, her foot falls just short of the step. Finally she reaches back and unzips the dress almost all the way. At this point the young man behind her reaches forward, grabs her by the hips and lifts her to the step.
Infuriated, she turns and nearly screams, "And what made you think you had permission to touch me like that!?"
The man calmly replies, "Well, after you reaches back and unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tn03g/a_lovely_woman_is_first_in_line_at_a_bus_stop/
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Did you hear about the people that became octophobes after going to the buffet?

They eight too much!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tmz4t/did_you_hear_about_the_people_that_became/
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I don't understand how people of color can be discriminated against

Aren't we all hue, man?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tmxqg/i_dont_understand_how_people_of_color_can_be/
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What do you do when a epileptic's having a fit in the bath?

Throw your washing in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tmuqg/what_do_you_do_when_a_epileptics_having_a_fit_in/
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The Italians are fighting Americans in the trenches

An American gets the idea to yell the name Luigi, and being a common Italian name when someone hears their name and looks up, they shoot him.
"Hey, Luigi!"
An Italian looks up and says
"Yeah?"
BANG
After the Americans do this a few times, the Italians try it for themselves. They decide to yell the name John, being a common American name.
"Hey-a, John!"
An American shouts back
"Hey! Is that you Luigi?"
The Italian looks up
"Yeah, itsa me!"
BANG

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tmpit/the_italians_are_fighting_americans_in_the/
%
My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and dump them in the river.

I did it, but it broke my heart. I quite liked her dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tmlt7/my_inlaws_couldnt_cope_when_their_cat_had_9/
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The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's."
Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tmb7j/the_ant_and_the_grasshopper/
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A failed tv presenter, a disgraced newspaper editor and a phone hacker walk into a bar....

..and the barman says "What'll it be, Piers?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tmaoj/a_failed_tv_presenter_a_disgraced_newspaper/
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Are my testicles black? "NSFW"

ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are- My - Test - Results - Back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tm9vf/are_my_testicles_black_nsfw/
%
I went to the clothes store where all women's pants were half-off.

But all the women there were fully dressed. Fucking liars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tm8y5/i_went_to_the_clothes_store_where_all_womens/
%
People are like trashcans

When you step on their feet, their mouth opens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tm70t/people_are_like_trashcans/
%
How to fix the wage gap.

Wagegap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tm57d/how_to_fix_the_wage_gap/
%
The doorbell rang so the son went to open the door.

- Who is it?
- I'm the house owner, I'm here to collect rent.
- Mom! It's the owner. Do you have money or should I go play outside again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tm4ap/the_doorbell_rang_so_the_son_went_to_open_the_door/
%
This joke about the Earth's rotation

Just made my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tm242/this_joke_about_the_earths_rotation/
%
Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?

"NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tlztr/did_you_hear_what_nasas_new_slogan_will_be_once/
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I'm 35 and I've never been in a serious relationship.

My wife wouldn't like to hear that, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tlw77/im_35_and_ive_never_been_in_a_serious_relationship/
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what is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?

Imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tlu3m/what_is_it_called_when_your_crush_has_a_crush_on/
%
what's the difference between neil armstrong and michael jackson?

neil armstrong walked on the moon and michael jackson fucked little kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tlq9j/whats_the_difference_between_neil_armstrong_and/
%
"Honey, I think I'm ugly...."

So I pulled her infront of a mirror, stood right next to her and said:
"Darling, I mean look a that sexy smile, that beautiful hair and those eyes....Just wow. No wonder you feel ugly next to me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tloqm/honey_i_think_im_ugly/
%
A group of scientists run an experiment on a frog

They teach it to jump on command by using flies as treats. Now when they say "Jump" the frog jumps.
Then they chop off one leg. They say "Jump" and the frog jumps in a crooked path. So far so good.
Finally, they chop off the other leg. They say "Jump" and the frog does not jump.
It has been concluded that frogs cannot hear without their legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tlo20/a_group_of_scientists_run_an_experiment_on_a_frog/
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She didn't realize tapping him on the shoulder would make him do this.

A lady in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question. She gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab and nearly hit a bus. He drove over the curb, almost going through a shop window.
For a few moments the inside of the cab was silent. The shaken driver turned and said, "Are you ok? I'm very sorry, but you scared the piss out of me!"
The passenger, very startled at this point, apologizes to the driver and says "I didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could scare some one so bad"
The driver replied "no, no, I'm the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for over 20 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tll8p/she_didnt_realize_tapping_him_on_the_shoulder/
%
What direction did the pirate go to get his bread??

Yeast!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tlk6f/what_direction_did_the_pirate_go_to_get_his_bread/
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John robbed some coffee from Starbucks the other day.

The police are charging him for mugging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tlk0b/john_robbed_some_coffee_from_starbucks_the_other/
%
I lost 10kg last week

I can't seem find that dumbbell anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tljyn/i_lost_10kg_last_week/
%
How do you tell if a blond has been working at your computer?

There's white out all over the screen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tljp1/how_do_you_tell_if_a_blond_has_been_working_at/
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After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tletv/after_a_beer_festival_in_london_all_the_brewery/
%
Why do women have trouble parking?

Guys always give them the wrong idea of what six inches is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tlaql/why_do_women_have_trouble_parking/
%
How do you know?

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.
“Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!”
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!”
He began his series of questions:
Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me.”
Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me.”
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you’re flying upside down?"
Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tl9pg/how_do_you_know/
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When I get home from work, my wife lets me put my feet up...

When we first met, I stuggled to get two fingers up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tl6bc/when_i_get_home_from_work_my_wife_lets_me_put_my/
%
If your girlfriend starts smoking

Slow down and start using a lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tl2ax/if_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
%
Hear about the two gay Irishmen?

William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tl1y6/hear_about_the_two_gay_irishmen/
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Why did the hipster burn his lips?

He ate his pizza before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tkyxa/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_lips/
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A group of bureaucrats from the EU are out on a chartered luxury liner through the Pacific.

A storm blows up, the cruiser starts to sink, and everyone abandons ship. By a quirk of fate, the only survivors are two men and one woman from each of the EU countries. They stagger onto the shore of a beautiful desert island. After three months, things have changed.
One Italian man has killed the other Italian man in a fight over the Italian woman.
The two Frenchmen and the French woman are enjoying a threesome, but complain bitterly about the multitude of foreigners on their island.
The two Englishmen are waiting patiently for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The German men have a strict, weekly alternating sex schedule; the woman gets weekends off.
The Dutch men are fully prepared, in general, to share the woman. However, they are still debating how to ensure that both will have an exactly equal share, how to reduce supervision cost, and how to guarantee the woman equal rights. They are writing to the Hague.
The Luxemburg men are still recovering from the shock of seeing half the population of Luxembourg stranded on the island. But they will soon start collecting seashells on the beach.
The Finnish men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Finnish woman, and started swimming.
They were soon overtaken by the Portuguese men.
The Danish trio embarked on a search for people to join them in an orgy. They gladly accepted the participation of the Finnish woman, and are still vainly trying to persuade the Portuguese woman.
The Spanish men are protecting the virginity of the Spanish woman and are constantly suspiciously spying on one another. Meanwhile, she dances flamenco.
The Austrian men initiated a yodelling contest for the woman. The loser immediately started learning flamenco, as well as Portuguese, Finnish and Danish.
The Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The Swedish woman keeps on bitching about female exploitation while the men are sunbathing and waiting for her to tell them what to do.
The Irish began by setting up a distillery for which they expect to receive a substantial EU subsidy. They don't recall if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few rounds of coconut whisky. But they're happy that, at least, the English aren't getting any.
Disclaimer: this joke is from an old joke book I own. This joke stood out the most to me as I remember bits of it since I was a teen. Hope you enjoy it!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tkyiz/a_group_of_bureaucrats_from_the_eu_are_out_on_a/
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Why doesn't Alabama have calculus teachers.

They don't like integration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tkwos/why_doesnt_alabama_have_calculus_teachers/
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I told my girlfriend I'd buy her a wedding ring if she gave me a blowjob.

She's a sucker for love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tkteq/i_told_my_girlfriend_id_buy_her_a_wedding_ring_if/
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Three drunk guys, Tom, Dick and Harry decide to rob a grocery store.

They somehow force into the closed store and start making a ruckus inside. However they are seen and the police are promptly called, by a bystander. An equally drunk police officers arrives at the scene. When the guys find out, they decide to wait it out in the back-room and proceed to it, upsetting each and  every container on their way. They find three empty sacks on the floor and  hide in them, Tom in the first one, Harry in the second and Dick in the third. The  officer follows the apparent trail into the back room. He sees three lone sacks and proceeds to kick them one by one. When he kicks the first one, Tom barks softly "bow wow". The officer thinks it must be a puppy, and proceeds to the next one. This time Harry growls like a cat "grrrr"."Must be a
kitten", he thinks and goes to the next sack. By this time Dick had everything figured out, so when the officer kicks him, he shouts "potato".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tkq7c/three_drunk_guys_tom_dick_and_harry_decide_to_rob/
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I wish people would stop acting like Chuck Norris is a god

If he really is so good why doesn't he teleport behind me and slam my head into the keyboard then hhjfdjusodbfhzoakcblkqoscsnjqpqkc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tkq1t/i_wish_people_would_stop_acting_like_chuck_norris/
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Dentist: This will hurt.

Patient: OK.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tkpbr/dentist_this_will_hurt/
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Sometimes I wonder

Why is that frisbee getting bigger?
And then it hits me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tkp92/sometimes_i_wonder/
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Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers

Will make your car look fucking stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tkjrh/warning_game_of_thrones_spoilers/
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tkgqz/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
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Why do cows wear bells

Because their horns don't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tkg5q/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
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So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."
Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and Satan will sit down at their desktops and pound out as much perfectly-formatted HTML as they possibly can. The contest is officially scheduled for Easter Sunday, and news spreads far and wide.
Easter Sunday rolls around. People from all over flock to Heaven to witness the contest. It is broadcasted live on several news stations, and is even live-tweeted by some representatives from Google. At exactly 8:59 AM, Satan and Jesus both sit down at two computers, facing each other. They log in and open up their scripting program. At 9 AM, Archangel Michael drops a flag and the race begins.
One hour, and several cups of coffee, pass. Both Satan and Jesus are going strong. Satan is adamant that he will beat Jesus and get back into Heaven, while Jesus just really enjoys coding (it's a hobby of his). The official line count is read off every hour, and at 10 AM, Satan is slightly ahead.
By 11 AM, Jesus has caught up to Satan, because Satan found an error and had to rewrite several pages of code. He is slightly annoyed, but still determined to beat Jesus.
By noon, Satan and Jesus have caught up again, as Jesus decided to reformat a large section of his work to make it more streamlined and perfectly formatted, as per the contest rules. Satan is starting to get cocky, showing off to the crowd by typing with his barbed tail, typing with his eyes shut, typing with his trident, et cetera. The crowd oohs and ahhs appropriately.
At 1 PM, they both stop for some lunch. Satan decides to trick Jesus into taking a longer lunch break, so he gives Jesus five loaves of bread and three fishes. Jesus breaks off pieces to feed himself, but simply cannot finish his meal. With Satan getting ahead of him, he passes off the meal to the group of 5,000 men gathered around him. They are all fed, with leftovers. Jesus continues programming.
By 2 PM, both Satan and Jesus are getting rather dehydrated, so they stop for a water break. To get even for the loaves and fishes trick earlier, Jesus pours Satan some water, but secretly turns it into wine. If Satan is drunk, his coding can't be perfectly formatted.
2:59 rolls around. Satan has typed 5,638 lines of code, while Jesus has only typed 5,277. The crowd is tense as they race towards the finish line. Suddenly, God steps in, pulls the plugs on both computers, and loudly announces "JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH WINS! SATAN WILL NOT RE-ENTER HEAVEN!"
Satan is furious. "How can this be?" He asks. "I had far more lines of code than Jesus! My code was perfectly formatted, too!"
Jesus taunts Satan. "Well I don't see your code, Satan. It must have been lost when the computers were shut off."
"Your computer was shut off, too!" Satan retorts. "I guess neither of us win!"
God, rather proud of his son at this point, walks over and turns back on both computers. Predictably, Satan's coding cannot be found, but when Jesus's computer is booted back up, his program is right there on the desktop. God opens it, and it runs like a charm.
"How can this be?" Satan snarls. "I finished more coding! It should be there! I should've won this!"
"Satan, my friend," God says, "You have made a grave mistake. See, you may code faster, and perhaps even better than my son, but Jesus...
Jesus saves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tkdzb/so_satan_asks_god_to_let_him_back_into_heaven/
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Two antennas get married . . .

. . . the ceremony was average but the reception was outstanding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tk9tg/two_antennas_get_married/
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tk27l/did_you_hear_about_the_two_thieves_who_stole_a/
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Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion

Probably because Mexico has more aliens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tk1na/trumps_wall_will_cost_216_billion_nasas_budget_is/
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A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long)

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report.
"Left arm - found in ditch"
"Left leg - found in ditch"
~~"Head - found in bulavard~~
~~"Head - found in boulavard~~
*kick*
"Head - found in ditch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tjxnv/a_cop_shows_up_to_a_gory_car_wreck_long/
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A nun decides to go golfing and invites a priest to be her caddy.

On the first hole, the nun hits an excellent shot, landing the ball right on the green. A short golf cart ride later, she putts and the ball rolls right toward the hole but veers left at the last second. "God, I missed!" yells the nun. "Now, now, sister," the priest remarks, "don't use the Lord's name in vain, or he will strike you down." The nun shrugs him off and prepares to putt again.
On the tenth hole, the nun again hits a wonderful shot, landing the ball once again on the green. The pair drives over to the green. The nun putts the ball and but it skips over the hole. "God, I missed!" the nun exclaims again. "Be careful, sister l, one must never use the Lord's name in vain, for he will surely strike you down!" the priest warns. "Yeah, I heard you the first time," says the nun dismissively.
On the eighteenth hole, after a spectacular shot landing the ball mere metres from the hole, the nun gently taps the ball toward the hole. It rolls gracefully toward its target, spins around the inside of the hole and hops back out, resting firmly right on the edge. Infuriated, the nun shouts, "God, I missed!" Suddenly, the sky darkens and the smell of sulphur thickens the air. A massive and terrifying bolt of white lighting streaks down from the sky: a tendril of pure, divine, death-seeking light energy. With an eardrum-shattering crack and a blinding flash, it strikes the priest dead.
A booming, mighty voice cries out from the heavens in frustration: "*GOD, I MISSED!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tjtca/a_nun_decides_to_go_golfing_and_invites_a_priest/
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So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder...

The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"
"Africa!", says the parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tjprl/so_a_black_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_beautiful/
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What did the vegetables say at the garden party?

Lettuce turnip the beet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tjpei/what_did_the_vegetables_say_at_the_garden_party/
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There was this man who walked into a bar and.....

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tjoo5/there_was_this_man_who_walked_into_a_bar_and/
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If the Green Man lives in the Green House and the Blue Man lives in the Blue House, who lives in the White House?

The Orange Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tjmvj/if_the_green_man_lives_in_the_green_house_and_the/
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A dolphin goes into the bar.

The barman says, 'Well, that was a bloody big tsunami!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tji1c/a_dolphin_goes_into_the_bar/
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What do lawyers wear to court?

*Lawsuits*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tjhqt/what_do_lawyers_wear_to_court/
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How does Lady Gaga like her steaks?

Raw Raw RaAaAw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tjfwz/how_does_lady_gaga_like_her_steaks/
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We had our first child and he's beautiful, but he had a rare birth defect.

He was born without eyelids. We had to keep his eyes irrigated and shielded from light while they searched for a pediatric plastic surgeon who could correct it.
Fortunately one of the top surgeons in our region was available. When our attending physician explained the situation to him, he asked, "Has the patient been circumcised yet?" Our doc replied that he hadn't, and the surgeon explained his plan.
The NICU cut a short length of 5mm silicone tubing and placed it over the tip of our newborn's penis, then carefully stretched his little foreskin over the end of the tubing and taped it in place. After 12 hours they replaced it with 7.5mm tubing, then after 24 hours they replaced that with 10mm tubing.
The next day the surgeon arrived. They wheeled our baby into surgery where he performed the circumcision and then immediately used the recovered, stretched tissue to replace the missing eyelids.
Afterward, the surgeon explained to us that he's done this surgery only three times before but it was always successful, and since it used the baby's own tissue there was virtually no chance of rejection.
We thanked the surgeon and asked if there were any side effects we should look out for.
"Well," he said thoughtfully, "he'll probably be a little cockeyed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tjffq/we_had_our_first_child_and_hes_beautiful_but_he/
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What's the difference between Goatse and Donald Trump?

None at all. They're both yuuge assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tjdjl/whats_the_difference_between_goatse_and_donald/
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A lynx walks into a bar

and says "Hey Barkeep! Mix me up a...
...
...
Jackrabbit."
The bartender says, "you got it buddy, but what's with the big paws?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tjbp9/a_lynx_walks_into_a_bar/
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I masturbate with soap

Just thought I should come clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tja51/i_masturbate_with_soap/
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I recently had sex with a girl who I thought I was legal age

A wave of horror came over me when I noticed her toe tag said "15 years old"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tj2ek/i_recently_had_sex_with_a_girl_who_i_thought_i/
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Going To The Movies

I told my wife I wanted to watch a movie about a billionaire playboy with a penchant for darkness, inflicting violence and dressing up in masks.
She got excited and asked, "Are we really go to see *50 Shades*?"
I laughed and told her I was talking about *The Lego Batman Movie*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tj27b/going_to_the_movies/
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So I heard today...

Trump's wall budget is 3 Billion more than NASA's budget for the year...apparently NASA doesn't deal with as many aliens as trump does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tiyfb/so_i_heard_today/
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My dominatrix is busy training a new assistant...

I guess she's showing her the ropes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tixh1/my_dominatrix_is_busy_training_a_new_assistant/
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What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar?

Her/she

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tivvc/what_pronouns_should_you_use_with_a_chocolate_bar/
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A boy asks the ice cream truck man.

boy : "Do you have onion flavoured Ice cream ?"
man : " sorry, no I don't"
the boy says " ok" then walks away.
the next day the boy comes again " do you have onion flavored ice cream ? " asks the boy again.
the man replies " sorry, I don't have any"
the boy walks away but also comes back the next day asking the same question, and gets the same reply
the man decides to get onion flavored ice cream just to sell it to the boy, "if he asked for it so many times he probably will buy a lot" he thought.
the next day as suspected to boy comes and asks " do you have onion flavored ice cream "
the man says : " yes! a whole lot of it too"
the boy : " haha that sucks, who would buy that shit" and walks away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tiux2/a_boy_asks_the_ice_cream_truck_man/
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My teacher said, because I was acting up in class, I have to do a book report on the largest bone in the arm.

Isn't that humorous?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tiuot/my_teacher_said_because_i_was_acting_up_in_class/
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What did the claustrophobic ninja do when he fell down a well?

He flipped out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tiq95/what_did_the_claustrophobic_ninja_do_when_he_fell/
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What do you call a person who doesn't like Soviet Russia?

A citizen of Soviet Russia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tipyy/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_doesnt_like_soviet/
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What do you call a triangle that gets into a car accident?

A rektangle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tinic/what_do_you_call_a_triangle_that_gets_into_a_car/
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No actually I am not single

I am taken
For granted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tilz2/no_actually_i_am_not_single/
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Do you know the way little children run towards the waves of the ocean but back up the very last second?

That's the exact same way I flirt with girls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tilfk/do_you_know_the_way_little_children_run_towards/
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What do gay horses eat?

Horse dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tikm9/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
%
For Valentine's Day, me and the girlfriend are just gonna stay in and watch a movie.

Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tikgf/for_valentines_day_me_and_the_girlfriend_are_just/
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Why does Gordon Ramsey like to have sex with a condom?

Because he hates it raw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tihzg/why_does_gordon_ramsey_like_to_have_sex_with_a/
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Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge?

He left his heart in San Francisco.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tih5l/did_you_hear_about_the_registered_donor_who_had_a/
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A man walks into a McDonalds.

He sees  an elderly couple with one Happy Meal. They take out all of the food, lay it out on the table, and start splitting it. They split the burger in half, split the fries into two equal piles, etc. But what strikes the man as odd is that only the husband begins eating.
So the man walks over and says, "I can buy you another Happy Meal if you like."
The elderly woman replies, "Oh no, we share everything."
The man waits, and only the old man continues eating. The woman sits there and watches.
So he goes back over and says, "Ma'am, I would be *honored* to buy you another Happy Meal."
"Oh no," she replies, "you misunderstand. We share *everything*."
Slightly exasperated, the man asks, "Then what are you waiting for?"
The elderly woman replies, "The dentures, of course!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tigso/a_man_walks_into_a_mcdonalds/
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A bought a farewell card for only a penny...

It was a good buy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tig35/a_bought_a_farewell_card_for_only_a_penny/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur

A lickalotopuss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tie6y/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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Why did the mad scientist deliberately create a huge fire tornado?

Some people just want to watch the whirled burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tid4e/why_did_the_mad_scientist_deliberately_create_a/
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If the US stops minting pennies, 99¢ deals will disappear

because they won't make cents any more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ticoi/if_the_us_stops_minting_pennies_99_deals_will/
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"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tiayt/dad_look_im_a_3d_printer/
%
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back

Luckily I was the one facing the TV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ti8mr/last_night_me_and_my_girlfriend_watched_three/
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I once when on a date with a girl who didn't swallow.

There was soup everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ti7hu/i_once_when_on_a_date_with_a_girl_who_didnt/
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Two goats on top of a hill...

There are two goats on top of a hill eating grass. One says to the other I wish this was the kind of grass that gets you high. The other says did we not just climb this hill?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ti74v/two_goats_on_top_of_a_hill/
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I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth...

That's the last time I ever buy a larva lamp…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ti4xu/i_woke_up_this_morning_and_my_bedside_light_had/
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Anybody here have sex while camping?

It's fucking intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ti3dd/anybody_here_have_sex_while_camping/
%
I hate left-handed people.

Something about them just doesn't seem right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ti1sv/i_hate_lefthanded_people/
%
A boy asks his mom why he's black and she's white

She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ti0wu/a_boy_asks_his_mom_why_hes_black_and_shes_white/
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The woman in the store

A woman walks into a store. Billy the clerk and the manager are talking away, and the woman asks the clerk where some stuff is.
Woman: "Excuse me sir, do you know where the Kleenex, toilet paper, ear cleaners, napkins, and tampons are?
The manager replies with, "Dear Lord Billy, help her! She's leaking from every hole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5thy98/the_woman_in_the_store/
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What's the difference between a boy scout and a jew?

One comes back from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5thxfs/whats_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a_jew/
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3 guys stand in front of the heaven gateway waiting to enter

Archangel Gabriel greeds them but tell them that because of new rules only the ones with a worthy death story may enter.
First guy in line: "Well.. I came home early from work and found my wife naked and exhausted in bed. I realized her deed and in fury I started looking for her lover and soon after I found him hanging by his fingers in our bedroom window. I picked up my hammer and started hammering his fingers until the screaming fucker let go. Falling down 4 stories I thought this would surely kill him but when I looked down I saw he had landed in a bush and survived the fall. Still frowning I ran to the kitchen, picked up our fridge and threw it out the bedroom window smashing my wifes lover like a melon. Apparently this was more than my heart could take and I died from a heart attack"
Gabriel: "Sure is a good death story, you may enter"
The second guy: "Well.. I was cleaning my bedroom window and suddenly I slipped and fell out window. Luckily my downstair neighbor had an open window and by quick reacting I grabbed the ledge by the tip of my fingers. But would you believe it, some douchebag fuck start hammering my fingers until I let go and fall down 4 stories. Amazingly I survive by landing in a bush but then the ass clown throws his fucking fridge out the window squashing me like a melon!.."
Gabriel: "also a great story, you may enter"
Third guy: "Well.. I was hiding naked in a fridge.."
(spelling, grammar)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5thxeo/3_guys_stand_in_front_of_the_heaven_gateway/
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I could tell you a Mexican joke

but it would cross the border.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5thwi3/i_could_tell_you_a_mexican_joke/
%
A blind guy walks into a bar...

A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He makes his way through the crowded joint to order a beer from the bar.
After a few sips the man casually grabs the slack from the leash, and proceeds to swing the dog by its neck around his head like a helicopter.
Several terrified patrons scream, "what the hell are you doing?!?"
Casually, yet slightly offended, the man replies, "geez, relax, I'm just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5thv25/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call someone that occasionally likes gloves?

Intermitten

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5thl2u/what_do_you_call_someone_that_occasionally_likes/
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TIL that there's a new shortcut in the PC version of GTA V, which when you press it, will cause your character to kill minorities.

Alt-right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5thhcm/til_that_theres_a_new_shortcut_in_the_pc_version/
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Two women are sitting at a bus stop...

They're both smoking, and it starts to rain. One if them out her cigarette out, and the other took out a condom to put over the cigarette so she could continue smoking.
The woman looks at the one with the condom and says, "wow that's neat, what is it and where can I get one?"
The other woman replies, "it's a condom, you can get them at any of your locals pharmacies."
So the woman walks to a nearby pharmacy. She goes up to the counter and asks the cashier, "hey can I have a pack of condoms please?"
The cashier says, "sure what size?"
To which she replies, "the size that can fit a camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5thfkz/two_women_are_sitting_at_a_bus_stop/
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How do you comfort a grammar buff?

There, their, they're.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5th8s4/how_do_you_comfort_a_grammar_buff/
%
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor?

It was just a stage he was going through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5th8h2/did_you_hear_about_the_actor_who_fell_through_the/
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Who wins a race between a gay couple and lesbian couple?

The lesbians. Because they go lickety split and the gay guys poke ass along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5th5u9/who_wins_a_race_between_a_gay_couple_and_lesbian/
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If your gunna tell a joke about a midget being smothered in honey....

Keep it short and sweet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5th3ve/if_your_gunna_tell_a_joke_about_a_midget_being/
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How come american cops always lose at pool?

Because they always shoot down the black one first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5th1vw/how_come_american_cops_always_lose_at_pool/
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What's a joke that was funny in early America, but is even more hilarious in the present day middle east?

"Women's rights"
*^ba-dum ^ching*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5th0h1/whats_a_joke_that_was_funny_in_early_america_but/
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Three guys were found trespassing in the city lake

They were put on trial and the judge called them in one by one
Judge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm?
Man 1: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles.
Man 1 exits, Man 2 comes in
Judge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm?
Man 2: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles.
Man 2 exits, Man 3 comes in
Judge: Dont tell me you were blowing bubbles too.
Man 3: No sir my name is Bubbles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tgq1s/three_guys_were_found_trespassing_in_the_city_lake/
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Surprise oral will make your day

Surprise anal will make your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tgogb/surprise_oral_will_make_your_day/
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I used to think I was good in bed.....

Until my girlfriend told me she had asthma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tgi5s/i_used_to_think_i_was_good_in_bed/
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Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".
Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you
must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later
Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother
crying.
Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your
Father."!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tghsf/son_daddy_i_fell_in_love_want_to_date_this/
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Boudreaux decides he needs to go to college

So Boudreaux heads down to Nicholls State and talks to the Dean. The Dean tells him "Well Boudreaux, you don't have much education, so we'll start you with the basics. Literature, Math, History and Logic."
Boudreaux says "I heard of dem math and books and history, but what's logic?"
The Dean says "Well, let me show you. Do you own a lawnmower?"
"Ya"
"So that means you probably own a home, right?"
"Yessir"
"And if you own a home, you likely have a wife and children, correct?"
"That I do"
"Which means you're a straight male."
"Wow, you figured out all dat from a lawnmower?"
"Yes Mr Boudreaux, that's what logic is."
So Boudreaux leaves and heads down to the bar where he runs into Thibodeaux. He starts telling him about how he's going to college and his classes. Thibodeaux asks him "Well, I know those other ones, but what's logic?"
Boudreaux says "I'll show you. Do you own a lawnmower?"
"Well no Boudreaux, I don't."
"Then you're a faggot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tggko/boudreaux_decides_he_needs_to_go_to_college/
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You'd think glass would taste like rocks..

But it just tastes like blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tggd1/youd_think_glass_would_taste_like_rocks/
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tgfdc/whats_brown_and_sticky/
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What did Richard Spencer squeal after getting punched in the face?

*"I'm Nazi bad person here!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tgepy/what_did_richard_spencer_squeal_after_getting/
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What do Australians wear under their pants?

Down Undies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tgdlh/what_do_australians_wear_under_their_pants/
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I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tgdc7/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_to/
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Stoner goes to the doctor

A stoner goes to the doctor complaining he sees cats playing soccer every night when he falls asleep. The doctor recommends he stays up for a night. Stoner says ok but he can't miss the final tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tgc8o/stoner_goes_to_the_doctor/
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I had a joke about time travel....

... But you guys didnt like it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tgc18/i_had_a_joke_about_time_travel/
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Why do you never see an African in Olympic swimming?

You need water to swim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tgacq/why_do_you_never_see_an_african_in_olympic/
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Yo Momma so stupid...

She brought a spoon to the superbowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tg997/yo_momma_so_stupid/
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A girl asks a boy "What does your dad do for a living?''

He replies "He's a magician."
She asks "Is he good?"
He says "Yeah, he disappeared 8 years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tg5ap/a_girl_asks_a_boy_what_does_your_dad_do_for_a/
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Why do we live on a giant rock, but ruled by money?

Because paper beats rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tg39s/why_do_we_live_on_a_giant_rock_but_ruled_by_money/
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My therapist recommended an anonymous community to me, a narcissist. Said that they gather and discuss their day to day accomplishments, annoyances, etc.

I told him I've been using Reddit for a couple months now and see no changes.
I then saw myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tg320/my_therapist_recommended_an_anonymous_community/
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First time grandparents go to visit the new baby

After traveling several hours, enjoying dinner, and meeting the baby, the grandparents decided to spend the night.
The grandparents, being older, had trouble sleeping. The grandfather rolled over, tapped on the grandmother' shoulder, and asked, "would you like to do some laundry?" This had been their code word for sex for many years. The grandmother was beside herself. "Here? In your child's and new grandchild's house? That's disgusting!" The grandfather sighed and rolled over.
After dosing off for a few hours, the grandmother woke up, tapped the grandfather on the shoulder and said, "I think everyone else is asleep. We can do some laundry now!" The grandfather yawned and replied, "Don't worry about that, dear. I just had a small load, so I did it by hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tg140/first_time_grandparents_go_to_visit_the_new_baby/
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What did one gamer do to the other gamer after he lost?

Consoled him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tg0z3/what_did_one_gamer_do_to_the_other_gamer_after_he/
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Blonde car

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 200,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "If I only can sell the car. "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 60,000 miles on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfxpo/blonde_car/
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I used to cut and burn myself.

Then I took culinary classes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfxi5/i_used_to_cut_and_burn_myself/
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Dad: You know son, if you keep masterbating, you're going to go blind

Me: Dad, I'm over here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfwke/dad_you_know_son_if_you_keep_masterbating_youre/
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After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfw2x/after_death_what_is_the_only_organ_in_the_female/
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A blonde is sitting next to a lawyer on a plane

The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 100 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $500. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts. The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?” Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $500 The blonde put the $500 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, “What is the answer to your question?” Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfvw8/a_blonde_is_sitting_next_to_a_lawyer_on_a_plane/
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If you go to the beach and forget your lunch, what can you eat?

Just eat the sand which is there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfult/if_you_go_to_the_beach_and_forget_your_lunch_what/
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Guy goes to a ballgame...

...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:
"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"
"Nah. They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfsws/guy_goes_to_a_ballgame/
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Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfsax/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
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Two chemists walk into a bar

The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."
The second one says "I think I'll have water too."
The first chemist now has to rethink the assassination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfs1c/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
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Two men are driving along a rural road when the driver spots a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence...

The driver pulls the car over and walks over to the sheep. The passenger watching this assumes he got out to help. The driver, not having intercourse for the longest time, drops his pants and starts sodomizing the sheep.
The passenger is shocked and yells out the window, "What the hell are you doing?!".
The driver, mid-stroke yells back, "I'm fucking this sheep, you want some of this?".
So the passenger gets out of the car and sticks his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfma4/two_men_are_driving_along_a_rural_road_when_the/
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A boy with a wooden eye asked a girl with a hairy lip to the prom...

Seeing how nobody else would likely go with them, the boy with the wooden eye asks the girl with the hairy lip, "Would you like to go to Prom with me?".
The girl with the hairy lip, surprised and excited says, "Would I!?".
"HAIRY LIP", replied the boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfjqd/a_boy_with_a_wooden_eye_asked_a_girl_with_a_hairy/
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A heart of gold.

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”
The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”
“Um, no,” mumbled the director.
“Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?”
“I … I … I had no idea.”
“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfepm/a_heart_of_gold/
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I got a job at the strip club.

"I help the girls get dressed and undressed."
"Great gig. How much?"
"Twenty dollars a day."
"That's not very much."
"It's all I can afford."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfeg3/i_got_a_job_at_the_strip_club/
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If 666 is the evil number

Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfeev/if_666_is_the_evil_number/
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The substitute teacher's eyes were crossed

She couldn't control her pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tfdzw/the_substitute_teachers_eyes_were_crossed/
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Models

Why did the models keep tripping on the runway?
They were showing off the fall lineup. Badumtss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tf3zt/models/
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I'm getting tired of all the sexual comments about my skirt...

"Slut"
"You don't leave a lot to fantasize about"
"Why couldn't you just have worn something under your skirt?"
"Dude your balls are visible"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tf2xm/im_getting_tired_of_all_the_sexual_comments_about/
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Never buy flowers from a monk

Only YOU can prevent florist friars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tf1fn/never_buy_flowers_from_a_monk/
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Today marks a very special landmark

Whitney Houston has been clean for five years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5teuv0/today_marks_a_very_special_landmark/
%
Bad pick up line

Me: spell me
Her: M-E
Me: you forgot the D
Her: there is no D in me
Me: not yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tetzc/bad_pick_up_line/
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A fat man is watching television

He is desperate about his weight situation, all of the sudden he sees an advertisement about losing weight on a tv channel, the woman on the tv shows 3 lose weight  secrets that can be deliver to your house but without knowing what the actual product is, she also mentions to be aware of the third one and that is under your own risk if you get it but definitively the best one to lose weight.
Kind of confused the man calls and buys package #1
He waits and within 30 min someone knocks at the door, the fat man barely makes it and opens the door, to his surprise there is a female wearing bikini and a poster that says " if you catch me I am yours" the fat man without thinking starts running anxiously trying to catch the hot women in bikini, after 25 min running  he is unable to catch the hot woman but when coming back home he realizes he lost 10 pounds.
The man is so happy he now calls to buy package #2, he waits 1 hour and suddenly someone knocks at the door, the man runs to the door and when he opens it this time there is a very hot naked woman with a poster that says " if you catch me I am yours" the man starts the chase and when finally not able to reach the naked woman he returns home, but this time he lost 20 pounds.
The fat man is so happy, not only he has lost 30 pounds in the same day but also he met two of the most wonderful women in his life.He is so eager to buy package #3 that he forgets the caution about buying this package, he calls and buys package #3,this time he really wants to catch the next thing it shows up at his door, he takes a shower,  puts some comfortable pants, running shoes, and cologne. After waiting 2 hours, someone knocks really damn hard at his door, the fat man runs to the door and when opening the door, there is a big black brawny man, with his pants down and a poster that says " If I catch you, you are mine".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tetg3/a_fat_man_is_watching_television/
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Police officer pulls an elderly couple over.

A police officer pulls an elderly couple over. The old man is driving.
Officer: I pulled you over for speeding.
Old man: I wasn't speeding, you must have the wrong guy.
Old lady: You were going 80 miles per hour, don't lie to the good officer.
Old man: Shut your goddamn mouth you old bitch!
Officer: I also noticed that you aren't wearing a seat belt.
Old man: I was wearing a seat belt but took it off when you pulled me over.
Old lady: You haven't worn a seat belt in the 60 years I've known you. Stop lying to the good officer.
Old man: Bitch, I told you to keep your damned mouth shut!
Officer: Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?
Old lady: Only when he's drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tenai/police_officer_pulls_an_elderly_couple_over/
%
A man asked God "why did you make women so beautiful"?

And He replied, "So you will love them"
The man continued, "But why did you make them so stupid?"
He replied, "So they will love you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5temvr/a_man_asked_god_why_did_you_make_women_so/
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A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"Let's about having sex with a cat?" says the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it," shouts the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then fuck it again," says the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, fuck it again and then burn it," says the pyromaniac.
Silence took over, and then the masochist says: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tejsl/a_zoophile_a_sadist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
%
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour

and pulled himself slowly and painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No, he replied, "Arthritis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tejnz/a_little_old_man_shuffled_slowly_into_an_ice/
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I'm not addicted to sandpaper...

I just need a little something to take the edge off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tejel/im_not_addicted_to_sandpaper/
%
Did you hear that Apple Guy died?

R.I.P. Isaac Newton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5teidn/did_you_hear_that_apple_guy_died/
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A man was contemplating suicide on a bridge.

A man was contemplating suicide on a bridge when he looked down and saw a little man with no arms dancing. This cheered him up and made him change his mind about suicide.
When he got down off the bridge he approached the little man to thank him. "Thank you, I was going to jump off the bridge until I noticed you dancing. If you can find the good in life even with no arms, I can do the same"
"Dancing?" Said the little man. "I wasn't dancing, me arse is itchy and I can't scratch it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5teh6g/a_man_was_contemplating_suicide_on_a_bridge/
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Scientists removed the right half brain of a man

and asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."
Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."
The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.
The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5teezp/scientists_removed_the_right_half_brain_of_a_man/
%
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.....

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree.
He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tecm6/a_young_man_goes_into_a_drug_store_to_buy_condoms/
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Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5te9gd/turns_out_there_are_two_loch_ness_monsters_one_of/
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You know what I like about midgets?

Very Little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5te6w2/you_know_what_i_like_about_midgets/
%
I lost my watch at a party once...

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5te6of/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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My wife doesn't like vomit jokes.

But I do nausea problem with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5te3ud/my_wife_doesnt_like_vomit_jokes/
%
What do you call huge dancing rocks?

Technotonic plates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5te3fh/what_do_you_call_huge_dancing_rocks/
%
I went to my favorite bar last night.

A Chinese guy sits down next to me. I ask him "hey, do you know karate or some other martial art"?  He says "why, because I'm Asian"? I said "no,  because you're drinking my beer".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5te37f/i_went_to_my_favorite_bar_last_night/
%
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up  the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5te16q/a_scotsman_an_englishman_and_an_indian_man_were/
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What's the only acceptable thing for a Scotsman to wear under his kilt?

Lipstick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdz3o/whats_the_only_acceptable_thing_for_a_scotsman_to/
%
An old geezer, who had been a retired.....

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdyni/an_old_geezer_who_had_been_a_retired/
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I came up with a science joke...

Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?
They have a big carbon footprint...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdx1e/i_came_up_with_a_science_joke/
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Rule #1 for learning english

Their our know rules!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdwm4/rule_1_for_learning_english/
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What is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdssi/what_is_politics/
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A teacher asked her students...

A teacher asked her 4th grade students a question every Thursday afternoon at the end of the day saying if they got it right they would not need to come to school Friday.
The first week she asks "how many stars in the galaxy?" No students had the answer.
The next week she asks"how many grains of sand are there on the beaches in Florida?" Nobody had an answer.
The kids were getting frustrated, and little Billy told them "don't worry, I have an idea."
Billy came to school Thursday with 2 billiard balls that were painted black. As the teacher stands up to ask her question at the end of the day, Billy rolls the balls down towards the front of the room.
The billiard balls crash against her desk and the students laugh. The teacher shouts "ok! Who is the comedian with the black balls!?"
Billy jumps from his seat, strolls toward the door and says "Kevin Hart. See you on Monday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdsmb/a_teacher_asked_her_students/
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A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost.

He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.
“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.”
The man below replies, “You must work in management.”
“I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”*
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdptj/a_man_flying_in_a_hot_air_balloon_suddenly/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdpho/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdn2x/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
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3 guys die in a car crash and go to hell

they all appear at the gates of hell and are greeted by satan himself
satan says to the first man "whats your favorite thing in the world?"
the man says "i love getting drunk just shit faced all the time"
satan opens a door and inside is every alcoholic drink you can imagine
the man walks in drooling at what he sees
satan says "see you in 1000 years" and locks the door behind him
satan says to the second man "whats your favorite thing in the world?"
the man says "i love getting pussy man i live to fuck dude"
satan opens a door and inside is the most beautiful women he could imagine"
he runs in full sprint and satan says "see ya in a 1000 years" and locks the door
satan walks up to the last man and says "how bout you?"
the man says "i love smoking weed man, i haven't been sober since i was 10"
satan opens a door and inside is every strain of cannabis in the world and a few strains specific to hell"
the man walks in slowly
satan says you already know" and locks the door
1000 yars pass and satan checks up on the 3 guys
the first guy is laying in a puddle of his own puke with broken bottles everywhere
the second man runs out screaming "im gay im gay!"
the last man satan was shocked by
the 3rd man is laying in the fetal position silent
satan says "are you ok?"
and the man with a single tear in his eye looks up to satan and says "hey man... you got a light?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdilw/3_guys_die_in_a_car_crash_and_go_to_hell/
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What's the difference between sarcasm and lying?

I don't know, I'm just the president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdgaj/whats_the_difference_between_sarcasm_and_lying/
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Son: “Dad, I have a question regarding sex with my underage girlfriend.“

Father: “Yes?“
Son: “Could you stop doing that?“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdfqk/son_dad_i_have_a_question_regarding_sex_with_my/
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They should make birth control for men

Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Recent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdeo5/they_should_make_birth_control_for_men/
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People say that counting sheep jumping over a fence makes you to to sleep. However, Donkeys are much more effective...

You're completely out as soon as your ass leaps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdeo0/people_say_that_counting_sheep_jumping_over_a/
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They say you're attracted to people that look like you.

That explains why I like women with big breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tdefd/they_say_youre_attracted_to_people_that_look_like/
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I don't have OCD...

I know because I've checked 300 times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tddqo/i_dont_have_ocd/
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A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday.... it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line...

Wooden tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5td8zy/a_women_got_a_wooden_breast_implant_yesterday_it/
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My new personal trainer encouraged me to do do fifteen push-ups every commercial break on TV

Man... I love Netflix!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5td3ek/my_new_personal_trainer_encouraged_me_to_do_do/
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Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly...

..there was a jam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5td359/peanut_butter_was_driving_his_toast_when_suddenly/
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What did the goose say when he found out about flying south?

Wanna hear migrate idea?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tcwjm/what_did_the_goose_say_when_he_found_out_about/
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What does Batman take with his alcohol?

Just ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tcqxa/what_does_batman_take_with_his_alcohol/
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The Greatest Pig...

A man was visiting his worldly uncle on his farm, when a pig in a wheeled cart trotted past him, missing its two hind legs. He leaned over to his uncle and asked "Uncle, what happened to that pig in the wheelchair?"
The uncle takes a deep draw of his pipe and points to the pig. "I owe that pig my life, my wealth and the love of my beloved wife."
"All that?"
"I reckon, yes. See, years ago when I got the pig, I was planning to roast it whole. But, I got a little drunk and fell asleep, bout that time a wire went bad in the walls and the house caught fire! That pig though, it was so damn smart it managed to drag me to safety until help arrived."
"That's incredible!"
"A few days later, I was still trying to recover my belongings from the fire when the pig nosed up an old chest that'd been hidden under my floorboards! Wouldn't you know it, the thing was un-liftably filled with silver treasures. I had it all into a vault in the bank within the day and never needed to worry on expenses ever again."
"The blind luck!"
"Oh yes, but see, while I was busy counting those many silver pieces, a single gold ring tumbled out of the pile and the pig picked it up with it's teeth and took off running down the street! I had to run to catch up with it for several blocks, I finally caught up and kneeled down to fetch the ring from it's mouth when I looked up and saw the most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen. She thought I was proposing! We had a grand laugh about it over lunch, and almost a month later I proposed to her for real, with that very ring. Yes sir, that pig has been my most loyal companion for years now."
"This is all so overwhelming, all this from a pig with just two legs?"
"Oh, no, it had more, just didn't seem right to eat it all at once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tcpwf/the_greatest_pig/
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Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.
The jury foreman answered: "Oh, we looked. But your client didn’t."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tcpto/reasonable_doubt/
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Give a fish a man and he'll eat for a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tcps7/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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An Irishman walks into a bar...

Just kidding he was born there and never left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tco8d/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar/
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Is this the bus for dyslexic kids?

Oops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tclrl/is_this_the_bus_for_dyslexic_kids/
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Why did the mortician cross the road?

To get to the other suicide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tchsh/why_did_the_mortician_cross_the_road/
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A woman gives birth to twins

An old fisherman and his wife settle down and decide to have some kids. The wife ends up giving birth to twins, both boys. Eventually as the babies grow the couple notice that the two never face the same way. Wherever one of them looks the other is always facing the opposite direction, no matter what they do. The couple decide to name them Toward and Away.
The kids grow and have a happy childhood despite this strange behavior and when they turn 10 years old their father decides he wants to teach them to learn how to be fishermen like him. He teaches them all the tools of the trade, the right knots to tie, the proper way to care for the equipment, how to steer the boat and catch the wind in the sails, and all the other ins and outs of the trade.
One day the three head out on a fishing trip together. The mother kisses them goodbye, wishes them well, and watches as they sail off. Three week.s go by before the father, and only the father, returns, looking haggard and gaunt.
"What on Earth happened?!" exclaims the wife upon his return. "You were gone for so long that I had almost given up hope. Where are our sons?"
"My dear," says the man, "I'm afraid they are dead. I only barely survived myself."
"What happened to you?" asks the wife.
"Well, the day we set sail we found a great school of fish and were catching many large fish to bring home. Suddenly an enormous fish, bigger than the boat, lept out of the water and capsized us with the wave that came from it. We were flung into the water where we clung to driftwood to stay afloat. As we tried to get back together the fish breached again, swallowing Toward in its great jaws."
"Oh, my, that's terrible!"
"It is, but you should have seen the one that got Away!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tchrw/a_woman_gives_birth_to_twins/
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Why did the robot kill someone with its empty battery?

So it would get charged with murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tchln/why_did_the_robot_kill_someone_with_its_empty/
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The English Teacher in India

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tcget/the_english_teacher_in_india/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tcg1b/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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A poem.

I am a little girl,
I have a little thing
That when I go to bed,
I put my finger in.
Now I'm much older,
My thing had lost its charm
And now it takes 5 fingers,
And half my fucking arm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tcewp/a_poem/
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What do you call the Pope when he is sleepwalking?

A Roamin' Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tcdbm/what_do_you_call_the_pope_when_he_is_sleepwalking/
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Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor..

Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor.  One of the men goes under the table to pick up the cards, and as he looks up he can see up his friend's wife's dress and that she isn't wearing any underwear.
Blushing coming up from the table, he sets the cards down and they continue to play.  A little while later while going to get a drink from the fridge, the other wife approaches him and asks, "When you were looking for the cards, did you find anything to your liking?"
Awkwardly, he replies, "Actually yes, I did."
"If you'd like some more, show up tomorrow at 1 pm and bring 100$.  You can like it a little more then.", she whispers to him.
He kindly agrees and the next day he shows up at 1 pm with 100$.  He hands her the money and they proceed to have at each other, in every conceivable way, for several hours.  After the deed is done, he leaves the house.
Holding the money in her hand, the phone rings 10 minutes later.  It's her husband, "Hey, did Mike come by today at around 1 pm?"
Ashamed and a little frightened, she says, "Uh, yes he did."
"Did he happen to give you 100$?", he replies promptly.
Her heart sinks, "Y-y-yes, he did."
"Ah, ok.  Good.  He came by earlier and asked to borrow 100$.  He said he'd drop it off at the house today at 1 pm"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tcd6v/two_couples_are_playing_cards_at_the_table_and/
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3 drunk guys enter a taxi

. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he starts the engine and turns it off again.
Then said, "we have reached your destination".
The 1st guy gives him the money and the 2nd guy says "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slaps the driver. The driver is shocked, thinking the 3rd drunkard knew what he did.
But then he asks "what was that for?" The 3rd guy replies, " Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tcd5s/3_drunk_guys_enter_a_taxi/
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What do you get when you crossbreed a Chihuahua with a German Shepherd?

A que-nein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tc7z0/what_do_you_get_when_you_crossbreed_a_chihuahua/
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I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery

He said "That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tc7sa/i_told_my_husband_there_are_100_days_until_our/
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Pun competition

One day, a man was sitting at home with a beer in hand when he read about a pun competition being held downtown. He got up early the next morning and came up with the best puns he had ever seen, and entered his 10 best puns hoping he would win, but unfortunately no pun in 10 did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tc4b7/pun_competition/
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What's Donald Trumps favorite kind of dog?

a BORDER collie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tc2ss/whats_donald_trumps_favorite_kind_of_dog/
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My girlfriend has a lot of trust issues.

Well, one of them does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tc1dk/my_girlfriend_has_a_lot_of_trust_issues/
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One night, a man walks into a bar looking sad...

The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says, “Oh, just a beer."
The bartender asked the man, “What's wrong, why are you so down today?”
The man said, “My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month.”
The bartender said, “So what's wrong with that?”
The man said, “Well, the month is up tonight.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tc19k/one_night_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_sad/
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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller gets through.
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tc0wu/a_radio_station_in_ireland_is_taking_calls_to/
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Girls call me shortcut

My penis is circumcised and 3 inches long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tc09v/girls_call_me_shortcut/
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Where does Phil Collins record his songs?

In a stu-stu-studio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbzus/where_does_phil_collins_record_his_songs/
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February 10th should be National Fart Day.

Because it's 2/10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbynw/february_10th_should_be_national_fart_day/
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A priest has diarrhea

Holy shit!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tby4z/a_priest_has_diarrhea/
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What do you call a teenage Hitler

Zitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbw9h/what_do_you_call_a_teenage_hitler/
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If a girl sleeps with 100 guys she gets called a slut. What do you call a guy who does the same thing?

A homosexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbur4/if_a_girl_sleeps_with_100_guys_she_gets_called_a/
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My phone fell from the 20th floor,

good thing it was in airplane mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbuk3/my_phone_fell_from_the_20th_floor/
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Two vampire bats were hanging arround

Suddenlly the first one states: "I'm hungry, I'm going to grab a bite to eat" and he flies off.
Half an hour later he returns with a huge smile on his face and blood on his chin.
The other bat asks: "Did you get your fill?"
"Oh boy did i ever. Do you see that red roofed barn way over there?"
"Ahha"
"Well beyond that barn there is a huge herde of cows... an all you can eat bufette"
So the second bat gets excited and flies off.
45 minutes latter he returnes with a gloom expression and a face full of blood. "Do you see that big church tower over there?" He asks his friend.
"Yeah, I see it"
"Well I sure as hell didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbsae/two_vampire_bats_were_hanging_arround/
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A demolition expert goes on stage during open mic night...

He proceeds to bring the house down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbrq8/a_demolition_expert_goes_on_stage_during_open_mic/
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I'm sorry I said "nice phone"

When you showed me a picture of your baby..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbq8s/im_sorry_i_said_nice_phone/
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A redhead walks into the Dr. Office.....

She sits down on the examining table and tells the Doctor "I think I am going to die. I hurt all over. I touch my arm and it hurts, I my head and it hurts. I touch my abdomen and it hurts."
The doctor looks at her and says, "Let me guess that you are naturally blonde."
"Why yes, How did you guess?"
"Because you have a broken finger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbpqy/a_redhead_walks_into_the_dr_office/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island...

The island is 10 miles from shore and without any other possible way to leave, the woman decide swimming is the only way off. The redhead goes first, she manages to make it 3 miles before she gets tired and drowns. The brunette then goes after, she makes it farther than the redhead but still finds herself tired and drowns five miles away from shore. Finally, it's the blonde's turn. She makes it five miles before feeling and tired and swims back to the island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbpnm/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stranded_on/
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A memorable first time

One day a father tells his son "You're 18 now, and I think it's time you learned about the birds and the bees, so take this duck and go over to this brothel and see what you can do."
Slightly confused, the son heads over to the brothel with the duck and meets with one of the women there. The son explained the situation to the lady and told her that even though he has no money, he does have this duck. The woman thinks for a while, and decides to take the duck as payment since she knew a guy that could help her prepare the duck so that she could cook it for dinner.
So after they have sex, the woman is flabbergasted at just how magnificent the son was in bed. She even offered him a freebie but being the polite guy that he is, he refused. So the woman, desperate for another round, offered the duck back as payment, the son agrees and so they have sex again.
Later, the son leaves the brothel with the duck. On their way back home a truck appears, seemingly out of nowhere, and hits the duck, killing it. Feeling bad, the driver offers to pay the son for the duck. Not knowing how much it was worth the son settles for $20. The driver happily obliges, pays him the $20, and they both go on their ways.
Finally the son gets home when his dad asks him "So son, how was it?" The son replies "I dunno dad, you tell me." "Ok, so tell me what happened" replied the dad. The son replied "Well dad, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tblib/a_memorable_first_time/
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I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath

Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbkqr/i_cant_tell_whether_my_new_cars_suspension_is/
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Why did Vegeta name his son Trunks?

...find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbk7c/why_did_vegeta_name_his_son_trunks/
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Have y'all heard of the cow that produces milk that taste like that stuff of myths?

It's legen-dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbj8k/have_yall_heard_of_the_cow_that_produces_milk/
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I was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Cancer

The cancer sucks, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!
Wait
No
I do
I can feel the edges of my mind unraveling; each piece, once so firmly put together, slowly falling away from my grasp. To know that the mind, the seat of who you are, can simply... disintegrate, like a mighty sandcastle in the tide...
Well, at least I don't have cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbj8g/i_was_recently_diagnosed_with_alzheimers_and/
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[short] what is Forrest Gump's password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbhuc/short_what_is_forrest_gumps_password/
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I was told that the friendship between sodium, potassium, and oxygen was bad.

I said, "Na. Pretty sure it is OK."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbhdo/i_was_told_that_the_friendship_between_sodium/
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I don't really like food from Spain much but...

To chicharrón I guess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbg14/i_dont_really_like_food_from_spain_much_but/
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Two cows are standing in a field in Canada in the year 2003.

One cow turns to the other and says, "we gotta watch out. I hear mad cow disease has been spreading through the herd." The other cow looks towards him and says, "what are telling me for? I'm not a cow, I'm a duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbdls/two_cows_are_standing_in_a_field_in_canada_in_the/
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Why did Snoop Dogg bust out an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tbb7x/why_did_snoop_dogg_bust_out_an_umbrella/
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What's the difference between your penis and your tax return?

She'll blow your tax return

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tb98v/whats_the_difference_between_your_penis_and_your/
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Why can't Hindi people fight with each other?

Because they can't have beef!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tb7i1/why_cant_hindi_people_fight_with_each_other/
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A chicken goes into the library.

A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, "Book."
The librarian says, "You want a book?"
"Book"
"Any book?"
"Book"
So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later, the chicken come back and says, "Book-book."
The librarian says, "Now you want two books?"
"Book-book."
So she give a chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but again comeback an hour later.
"Book-book-book."
"Three books?"
"Book-book-book."
So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and finds out what is going on? And the chicken crosses the road, goes down the alley, out of town and towards the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bull frog. The chicken sets the books down by him. The bullfrog looks at the books and says, "Reddit...Reddit...Reddit..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tb6a9/a_chicken_goes_into_the_library/
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What do you call a Jewish man with heartburn?

An acidic Jew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tb3gs/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_man_with_heartburn/
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Are you sitting on the F5 key?

Because dat ass is so refreshing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tb2n4/are_you_sitting_on_the_f5_key/
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I only lie to people I don't like.

Don't worry, I like you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tb1oc/i_only_lie_to_people_i_dont_like/
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My friend didn't get my RAM joke.

DIMM wit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5taxbf/my_friend_didnt_get_my_ram_joke/
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I only date black girls

So I don't have to meet their fathers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tauac/i_only_date_black_girls/
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What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tau9v/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
%
My wife and I were happy for 25 years.

Then we got married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tasnf/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_25_years/
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I redid my entire house with mirrors...

You could say it really reflects who I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tasd7/i_redid_my_entire_house_with_mirrors/
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Load of animals in the back of a lorry..

The cow says "mooooooooove over"
The chicken says "fkaaaf"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tar2o/load_of_animals_in_the_back_of_a_lorry/
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A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5taq3b/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_beer/
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What does the inappropriate strip club patron say when he finally admits he has a problem?

I come here too often

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tahzf/what_does_the_inappropriate_strip_club_patron_say/
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The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?
Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees... a ham bush."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tagpl/the_bacon_tree/
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Why do stoners make lousy poker players?

Because they keep smoking the pot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tafk2/why_do_stoners_make_lousy_poker_players/
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How do you drown a hipster?

Throw them into the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5taf0a/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
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A Catholic Priest finds a job.

Dave the Catholic Priest needed a part time job. His salary was still quite low and he needed to save up while on vacation. So he got in contact with Francis, the Bishop, to get help in spreading word around local businesses that Dave was a good, honest chap ready to undertake work.
In no time at all Dave got a break- fast food.
He showed up at 7 am for the first day. Jim, an old friend of Francis the Bishop, was sympathetic to Dave's cause and was happy in giving him a dozen hours a week. He was also aware of Dave's one flaw that Francis warned him about: Dave tended to daydream and become forgetful, aloof or even careless during monotonous tasks. This had led to him losing the Church keys on a few occasions. Leading Choir practice in the driving rain was not a pleasant experience.
So Jim was on the lookout and intended to keep a keen eye on Dave's performance.
"Dave mate. I haven't trained you in food safety yet. So for this week you're responsible for keeping the joint clean before, during, and after the chippy is open for service. Right. Any questions? Good man,"
So Dave was handed reign of all cleaning supplies and tasks. Days 1 and 2 went okay. Dave just about managed to prep the front of shop for the opening, though struggled keeping count of all the bits and bobs in inventory. Day 3 was a struggle. Dave, used to working in leisurely pace found wiping down tables and clearing trash in time quite taxing. More than once he left spray bottles around benches and behind doors. Customers were befuddled and Jim left frustrated at this incompetence.
Jim stopped Dave on the morning of day 4. Trash was found under tables, counters left too greasy after ineffective wiping, and the supplies were whittled away almost to nothing but a sponge after Dave's mismanagement.
"Jim, look I'm really sorry. But I'm getting the hang of this now! Please give me another role if you really don't me cleaning."
So Jim complied. The next day Dave turned up at 6.30 am as per instruction.
"Okay Dave. Fresh start. This job is a bit new and I'm sure you'll learn from it too. You need to collect the frozen supplies at the store. They've been paid for so don't worry. Just collect everything and race back in good time. If you know what I mean."
Dave thought he knew exactly what Jim meant.
"So long as I drive quickly, I can take the rest of the day off!"
Two hours later on what should have been a 15 minute trip, Dave entered the premises with a dejected expression.
Ten minutes later Jim also wore the same expression, albeit with a scowl and high blood pressure to match; Dave had struck a streetlamp, mounted the sidewalk and blown out a tire in the process because he thought Jim wanted him to *race* back. With the company car out of service Jim was strained to keep things operational. Dave was becoming a liability.
To the sheepish priest he said, "Dave. Final chance. I hired you as a favor, not a burden. From tomorrow work in the back with Phil on food. He'll give you something to do."
Dave nodded vigorously, "Thank you so much Jim! I swear to it- I won't be forgetful or careless. You can count on me!"
"Yeah. Good. Just don't burn this place down."
6.30 am, the next day. Dozens of customers filed in and out every few hours, bellies filled, vinegary lips smacked. Jim didn't see much of Dave. Naturally he was quite nervous. No complaints over the phone for mixed up orders, or hair in the mayo, or dismembered digits in the salad. Maybe he should have put Dave there in the first place. The next day came and went. Another suspiciously uneventful day. Almost too quiet. "Don't fret too much", Jim thought to himself later on that Thursday evening. "Phil was happy with Dave's work and didn't mention any hiccups."
A week passed in this way. Jim was in a good mood to say the least. Sales and profit had nearly increased by 500%; customers were actually leaving feedback on their experience for the first time in months; The company car was back from repairs, costs much lower than anticipated; the takeaway was still not destroyed in a fire, and Phil reported no missing items or mishap in the kitchen. Even Dave was in a good mood, starting and leaving his shifts with a smile on his face and lively spring in his step, giving him an almost surreptitious look.
It was nearing the end of Dave's vacation. Jim had just handed the last overtime paycheck to his star employee when he thought to ask something on his mind for a while now, "Dave, top job. You've done wonders to help this takeaway get back on its feet again. Everyone loves the food. Heck, even people from the next town over are calling in to order! So between us two men- how on earth do you cook so well? The battered fish is the talk of the town, so are the chicken wings- oh and the chips! They're so good they make you want to slap your mama! How have you done it!?"
"It's nothing, really Jim!"
"No, no! Please tell! You're one of us. Even if you're leaving, you can pop around to help any time you want at double your current wages. But please. How have you done it?"
"It's simple, Jim," Dave said as he moved to lean forward, closing the gap between his boss. Involuntarily, an excited croak left Jim's throat.
"Oh?" sweat beaded on his forehead.
"Simple, Jim. I'm just a good friar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5tab1w/a_catholic_priest_finds_a_job/
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An old woman walked into a sex toy shop...

She wandered in the shop for a couple of minutes and finally she stopped and asked the vendor: How much is this one? He replied: Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ta6jq/an_old_woman_walked_into_a_sex_toy_shop/
%
Give a man a jacket and he'll stay warm all winter

Teach a man to jacket and he'll stay warm his whole life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ta0p1/give_a_man_a_jacket_and_hell_stay_warm_all_winter/
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9w78/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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Valentine's Day Gift

A young lady was caught napping one afternoon on Valentine's Day. She woke up when she heard the doorbell.
"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day," she said to her boyfriend. "What do you think it means?"
"You'll know for sure tonight," he replied.
That evening, the young man arrived with a small package and gave it to his girlfriend. Delighted, she opened it and found a book entitled "The meaning of dreams."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9tzo/valentines_day_gift/
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My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9sim/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_the_other_day_why_did/
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"Come forth and I shall grant you eternal life", said God unto John.

But John came in fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9n0j/come_forth_and_i_shall_grant_you_eternal_life/
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Why did the cockroach break up with his mosquito girlfriend?

He saw her sucking someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9lkd/why_did_the_cockroach_break_up_with_his_mosquito/
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Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

'Cause girl you hot as fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9l7z/shall_i_compare_thee_to_a_summers_day/
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It's a Priests first day at a new church...

and after Mass he sits down in the confession booth. He's nervous because this is his first time in confessional after seminary school and he isn't sure if he'll remember what to do.
Someone walks in and sits down, and starts to confess. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it's been 2 weeks since my last confession."
Father thinks for a second, and says, "Alright my son, you get 10 Hail Marys and you shall be forgiven"
Second person comes in, sits down and starts to confess. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I slept with a woman who was not my wife."
Father panics a little, settles down and starts to think. "Ah, yes! I give you 20 Our Fathers and you shall be forgiven my son."
A third person comes in and sits down. "Forgive me father, but last night I got a blowjob."
"Oh, no!" he though, "what do I do!"
So Father quickly peeks outside and grabs an Alter Boy and says, "hey what do you get for a blowjob??"
And the Alter Boy says, "well the old Priest used to give me a snickers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9l15/its_a_priests_first_day_at_a_new_church/
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Son asks for money

A young jewish son asks his dad for $5 dollars.
The dad responds shocked, "$4 dollars? What do you need $3 dollars for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9kyz/son_asks_for_money/
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Words can't express how beautiful you are.

But numbers can.
4/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9kjp/words_cant_express_how_beautiful_you_are/
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What's a Germans least favourite drink?

Juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9k9v/whats_a_germans_least_favourite_drink/
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There was a guy who was having chronic trouble getting an erection.

After weeks of frustration, he finally decides he is going to go see a doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and eventually makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.
"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a  baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches a point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his girlfriend stunned, "That was impressive! Can you do it again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9ivm/there_was_a_guy_who_was_having_chronic_trouble/
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Mr and Mrs Grape had it all, almost...

Mr and Mrs Grape had it all, almost. They had a great place on the vine, friends and enough Grape money in their savings. The only thing they wanted was a little grape to call their own. They tried and tried for weeks, making intimate grape love everynight with no success. One night they decided to take a break and go visit the circus that just pulled into the vineyard.
The circus was amazing and they enjoyed a peaceful night not worrying about babies, as they were leaving they noticed a small tent off to the side and they entered it. An old wrinkly prune sat in front of a table and spoke to them "I know what you seek, a child to call your own, I can help you but it comes at a price." "Anything" Mrs Grape replied "we have money, antiques, anything!" "No, no, no, drink this potion, in 6 nights you will give birth. He will not be handsome, he will not be timid, if you can not love him, you will return to us and he will live here in the circus, yes?" The prune asked as she handed a small bottle to Mrs Grape. Knowing she would love him no matter what he was like, Mrs Grape drank the potion.
True to the prunes word Mrs Grape fell pregnant, six nights later she gave birth, he was small, very dry, brown and shrivelled. Mr & Mrs Grape tried to care for the little boy, they nurtured him, stayed awake with him, gave him everything they had but he never stopped crying and once he could move he never stopped trying to destroy their house. After several weeks they were exhausted. The little one never grew, he stayed dry, small and wrinkly, the stress was becoming too much.
One day Mr Grape returned from work with a small cage, he convinced Mrs Grape they needed a nights sleep and to decide in the morning if they would return the child to the circus. They locked him in the cage and moved him to the furthest part of the vineyard. For the first time in weeks they held each other and slept. In the morning with a fresh outlook they knew something was not right with their child, they walked hand in hand to the cage, ready to take him to the Prune.
Mr Grape spoke sadly "I'm sorry buddy, we've tried, we are exhausted and I don't even think you understand us? We've given it our all but we are taking you to live with the circus. You're just not the child we planned on *raisin*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9h8t/mr_and_mrs_grape_had_it_all_almost/
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A bodybuilder told me he hates protein.

No whey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9dzk/a_bodybuilder_told_me_he_hates_protein/
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What is Sean Spicer's favorite genre of music?

Alternative Rock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9cs9/what_is_sean_spicers_favorite_genre_of_music/
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If Christians have the Daily Bread, what do Buddhists have?

The Daily Lama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9b1u/if_christians_have_the_daily_bread_what_do/
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Get Stoned Before an Auction

Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t9aqk/get_stoned_before_an_auction/
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How do you know if your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t99iv/how_do_you_know_if_your_roommate_is_gay/
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Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher?

Because he was Haydn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t99ad/why_couldnt_beethoven_find_his_teacher/
%
So i read this story about a woman who got electrocuted when she dropped her vibrator in the bath

It was a total buzzkill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t94d3/so_i_read_this_story_about_a_woman_who_got/
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Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?".
The barman says, "It's a Moose." The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t93mw/scottish_bloke_goes_on_a_skiing_holiday_to_canada/
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A priest....

A priest, an Irishman, a horse, a gorilla, a twelve inch pianist and an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Is this some kind of a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t93d3/a_priest/
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Steve and his buddies were hanging out and.....

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.
The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out,
fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my
sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and
she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t924n/steve_and_his_buddies_were_hanging_out_and/
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What is Bane's favorite movie?

Broke-back Mountain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t913k/what_is_banes_favorite_movie/
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What do you call a person who is not a nihilist?

A De-nihilist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t90or/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_is_not_a_nihilist/
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What happens when you take a joke too far?

The 45th President of the United States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8z6d/what_happens_when_you_take_a_joke_too_far/
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My doctor told me I was eating too much meat

So I decided to quit cold turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8yll/my_doctor_told_me_i_was_eating_too_much_meat/
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In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing

*"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"*
*"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask.
*"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8yfh/in_soviet_russia_a_judge_bursts_into_his_chambers/
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What do you do with dead scientists?

Barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8uzb/what_do_you_do_with_dead_scientists/
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Why didn't the pony say anything?

Because he was a little hoarse...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8uec/why_didnt_the_pony_say_anything/
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Spilt milk

I hate how every time I come home and go to the kitchen my flat mate has spilled milk everywhere. How dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8udg/spilt_milk/
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What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A megasoreass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8smq/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
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A nun is walking down the street...

A nun is walking down the street. As she passes a dark alley a man grabs her, pulls her into the alley, rips off her clothes, and ravages her in the most obscene manner possible.
As the man is zipping up the nun wails, "Oh No! How am I going to tell Mother Superior I have been sexually violated twice!"
The man says, "What do you mean? I only did it once."
The nun leans back and says, "Yeah, but you're going to do it again, aren't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8qj5/a_nun_is_walking_down_the_street/
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There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence.

As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8q13/there_was_a_prison_break_and_i_saw_a_midget_climb/
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What is The ISIS Cafeteria called?

Allahu Snakbar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8mo9/what_is_the_isis_cafeteria_called/
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A Yugoslavian jew moves to israel

After ww2 most of the (still alive) yugoslavian jews moved to Israel.
Shlomo shekelowitz decides to stay in yugoslavia just to test the new socialist regime.
After a year he moves to israel.
One of his old friends sees him and asks
SCHLOMO! Long time we did not see each other ! How is it in Yugoslavia ?
Schlomo responds : "I couldn't complain".
His friend responds : "Why did you move here then ?"
"I couldn't complain", Schlomo repeats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8mky/a_yugoslavian_jew_moves_to_israel/
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I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.

He cried. Then he hugged my sister and me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8mkr/i_told_my_dad_to_embrace_his_mistakes/
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My wife got diagnosed with Alzeihmers and Parkinsons last week.

I've been getting 8 wanks a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8k01/my_wife_got_diagnosed_with_alzeihmers_and/
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A lady goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8h6y/a_lady_goes_into_a_pharmacy_and_asks_for_cyanide/
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A pun contest...

A man's newsletter tells him about a pun contest they are holding. The person who submits the best pun will win $10000. The man thinks,
*I could really use that money!*
So he decides he will submit some puns. In the hopes of winning the $10000, he submits 10 puns in one letter. He hoped and prayed that at least one pun would win it for him.
But no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8ftk/a_pun_contest/
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What did the chimpanzee say to the human?

No homo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8eo9/what_did_the_chimpanzee_say_to_the_human/
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Three kids walk into a Pole

He was very fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8e1x/three_kids_walk_into_a_pole/
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Why do you always put your left shoe on last?

Because when you put one shoe on, the other one is left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t8c28/why_do_you_always_put_your_left_shoe_on_last/
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Two thieves break into a man's house...

The man wakes up in the middle of a night and runs down stairs but the thieves escape over the fence so he calls the police. The police get to his house and ask what happened; the mans says: "Well the robbers took off with my personal computer and nothing else before I scared them away", the police officer says "Did you get a look at them? Can you give us a description?" the man says "Well it was dark and I was only half-awake... but if I had to guess, I'd say they looked looked like the kind of people that would download child porn".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t87ma/two_thieves_break_into_a_mans_house/
%
Two prostitutes are hanging out on a corner in the 70's when one asks the other, "Hey, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The other says "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t866s/two_prostitutes_are_hanging_out_on_a_corner_in/
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A mother and her child were hugging ...

"Mommy," says the child, "am I adopted?"
"No, sweetie," replied the mother. "We haven't managed to find someone who will take you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t80kf/a_mother_and_her_child_were_hugging/
%
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t801q/a_large_woman_wearing_a_sleeveless_sundress/
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Donald Trump was once asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you will never have to feed him again."
Donald 20:17

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7zqh/donald_trump_was_once_asked_if_he_could_quote_any/
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What’s 18 inches long and dangles in front of an asshole?

Donald Trump’s tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7ys6/whats_18_inches_long_and_dangles_in_front_of_an/
%
A guy gets a job as a lumberjack

He's in a logging camp in the middle of nowhere and everything is going great. After a couple of weeks he's talking to his foreman when he says, "I notice there's no women around for miles, what do you guys do to satisfy your needs?" The foreman hands him a map and tells him to follow this to the biggest tree in the Forrest, there is a hole in the side of it. Just stick your dick in there and you will feel better. The new lumberjack was put off by this idea and decided to pass. But, after a few more weeks he was getting antsy and decided to make the hike to the tree. When he gets there he sticks his dick in and is amazed, it feels just like fucking a woman. He was instantly hooked. He started visiting the tree every night, sometimes more then once and would just go to town fucking the shit out of that tree. One night on one of his trips he sticks his dick in and nothing happens, it feels like just sticking his dick in a wood hole. He goes back to foreman and tells him he thinks the tree is broken. The foreman says, "that's strange" he pulls a clipboard off the wall and says, "oh, no its your turn to be inside the hollow tree."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7yi6/a_guy_gets_a_job_as_a_lumberjack/
%
How does Moses make his coffee?

*hebrews* it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7y94/how_does_moses_make_his_coffee/
%
Why did the necrophiliac get a divorce?

The rotten bitch split on him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7xdc/why_did_the_necrophiliac_get_a_divorce/
%
Jesus is setting up for supper and he calls Judas

over to help. "Judas, please set the table. " Judas complies and sets the table. "Judas, put the food on the table." Judas places the food on the table.  "Judas, please call everyone to the table. " Again, he does as he is told and gathers everyone.
As they are enjoying the feast Jesus planned and had Judas serve, Jesus gets really serious and says," This will be my last supper with you." He pauses and continues, " One of you will betray me."
At which point Judas throws his hands up in a huff," Why do I have to do everything around here?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7rz4/jesus_is_setting_up_for_supper_and_he_calls_judas/
%
How is Mexico going to be able to pay for the wall?

It's expensive, but I'm sure they'll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7q5m/how_is_mexico_going_to_be_able_to_pay_for_the_wall/
%
What do new iPhones and Donald Trump have in common?

Both cost more than they're worth and create the illusion of superiority without ever delivering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7omf/what_do_new_iphones_and_donald_trump_have_in/
%
What did the D.J. say to the Vegetable Farmer?

Lettuce turnip the beet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7kau/what_did_the_dj_say_to_the_vegetable_farmer/
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Adultery Code

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7hx0/adultery_code/
%
My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I replied, "I don't know; it's hard to keep track".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7hqm/my_boss_told_me_you_are_the_worst_train_driver/
%
The executive is overworked and decide to take some time off and visit his farmer cousins...

The executive is overworked getting stressed and decide to take some time off from work and visit his cousins who live in a farm in the country side.
He calls his cousin who is more than happy to have him over since they haven't seen each other in years.
When the executive gets there he notices that not much has changed since the last time he was there, a long time ago. He is filled with nostalgia and starts feeling better already.
They have coffee and chat for a little bit and the executive says he wants to do some farm manual labor to take his head off work and forget about the city life for a while.
The farmer says there is plenty of work to do around the farm and the executive can help him. So the farmer tells him to wake up early the next day and meet him at the stable.
When the executive gets to the stable the next day the farmer shows him piles of bags and say:
- This is all the horse manure we collected for the past 3 months. Your job will will be to spread it over that empty field to fertilize the soil for the next season.
Two hours later the executive is done and goes to ask his cousin what else he can do.
The farmer is surprised. "This usually takes us a whole day! I only planned work for you for tomorrow".
So the farmer inspects the field and is astonished the executive did such a good job in so little time. So he tells him to take the rest of the day off and meet him at he chicken coop the next morning.
The next morning the farmer says: "We got a big chicken order from one of our clients and we have to deliver it ready for processing. Your job will be to cut the chickens head off so we can send them out. Again, two hours later the executive is done and goes to ask his cousin what else he can do. The farmer is surprised now even more. He didn't think his city cousin could manage farm jobs so well.
"This usually takes us two days, this is impressive! Meet me at the orange plantation tomorrow morning."
The next morning the farmer says: "The orange harvesting wasn't very good this year. We only got this 10 boxes of oranges. Your job will be to separate them in 3 piles, big oranges, medium oranges and small oranges. If anyone is bad just discard it."
To the farmers surprise, it's the end of the day and his executive cousin is still not back for dinner, so he goes to check on him. When he gets there is sees his cousin working out still on the first box, comparing sizes on two oranges, then picking a third one and changing it's original pile... The farmer is puzzled, screeching his head. "what's the matter? I thought you would finish this in no time"
The executive looks at him and says: "I'm an executive. We are really good at spreading shit and cutting heads. But we really struggle when it comes to making decisions"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7fwm/the_executive_is_overworked_and_decide_to_take/
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Want to know how to keep your guitar sounding good?

Stay tuned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7cb4/want_to_know_how_to_keep_your_guitar_sounding_good/
%
Please dont tell jokes about domestic abuse...

They hit too close to home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7a45/please_dont_tell_jokes_about_domestic_abuse/
%
What's super marios favorite type of fabric?

Denim denim denim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t79oh/whats_super_marios_favorite_type_of_fabric/
%
Surround yourself

with people who have issues.
People with issues always have alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t78yv/surround_yourself/
%
I went to the Zoo the other day

and there was a loaf of Hovis in the Lion enclosure - so I went up to the zookeeper and said "What's that doing in there?"
and he said "That? That's bread in captivity"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t78nq/i_went_to_the_zoo_the_other_day/
%
Can Napoleon return to his place of birth?

Of Corsican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t77vk/can_napoleon_return_to_his_place_of_birth/
%
Did you know that 80% of Korean businessmen have caddaracts?

The other 20% drive Mercedes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t76xk/did_you_know_that_80_of_korean_businessmen_have/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

And a table...and a chair...and the waiter...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t76t1/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Make the horse laugh

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money next to a horse stall
The man goes over to the bartender and asks what the set up is for.
"You pay five bucks to go into the stall where the horse is, and if you can make the horse laugh, you win all the money in the jar.
"Easy" the man says. He puts five dollars in the jar, walks up to the horse, whispers in his ear, and the horse starts cracking up. The man takes the money and leaves.
A week later, the man goes back to the bar, where they have the same set up.
"Same bet?" The man asks.
"No, this time you have to make the horse cry"
"Even easier" the man says. So he puts five bucks in the jar, walks up to the horse, and the horse starts crying.
The man is about to take the money and run, but the bartender stops him.
"OK, first, how'd you get the horse to laugh?"
And the man says "I told him I had a bigger dick than he did."
"And how'd you get the horse to cry?" The bartender asks.
"I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t768n/make_the_horse_laugh/
%
3 nuns are sitting on a bench.

A man in a trench coat walks by and flashes them. 2 of the nuns had a stroke. The third couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t73qa/3_nuns_are_sitting_on_a_bench/
%
I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.
**Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine...
*Pause for comedic value*
But seriously, this **is** a version of an Ashlee Barnhill joke. Sorry for the bamboozle fellow redditors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t72yq/i_call_my_wife_bambi/
%
2018 kids won't get this

Club penguin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t71gt/2018_kids_wont_get_this/
%
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?

Get in the batmobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t7036/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_they_got_in/
%
What does a sneezing nut sound like?

*Ca-shew.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6zw2/what_does_a_sneezing_nut_sound_like/
%
2017 First UFO lands

Alien: "Take me to your leader."
*Alien is brought to Pres. Trump.
Alien: "Good one! Seriously though. This is important."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6z8h/2017_first_ufo_lands/
%
I can't stop shitting out feathers.

I think I've got Irritable owl syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6r33/i_cant_stop_shitting_out_feathers/
%
I bought a treadmill the other day...

It's really giving me a run for my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6pjl/i_bought_a_treadmill_the_other_day/
%
I was really unsuccessful and unpopular until I stood on a globe covered in super glue.

Now I have the world at my feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6pjf/i_was_really_unsuccessful_and_unpopular_until_i/
%
How do you get a jewish girls number?

You roll up her sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6pgm/how_do_you_get_a_jewish_girls_number/
%
What is the most common job among spiders?

Web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6mn3/what_is_the_most_common_job_among_spiders/
%
Loyalty is very important for my wife...

My girlfriend doesn't care.
Funny how different sisters can be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6meg/loyalty_is_very_important_for_my_wife/
%
A man walks into a bar (semi-original)

A man walks into a bar and sees a bunch of old men sitting around talking and drinking.  He gets up to the bar, and orders himself a drink, and casually listens into the conversations.
"Yes yes, but number 42."
"Number 42?  Two fifty eight."
"Are you kidding me?  Thirty three my friend.  Thirty three."
The man looks at the bartender and asks, "Hey what's with the numbers?"
"Oh they're just talking politics.  Same group, day in and day out."
"But what's with the numbers?"
"Well, they got tired of re-hashing the same old arguments over and over.  So they just gave them a number."
A man in back shouts, "Fifty two, as always."
Bartender says, "See, fifty two means he's accusing the other guy of making an appeal to stone, which is a logical fallacy in which a statement is automatically dismissed as ridiculous without taking the evidence into consideration."
"Wow, that's amazing."
"Not really.  I've been listening to them for years.  Most of them don't even know what they're talking about.  I think you could just throw out random numbers and none of them would know it."
Just then an elderly gentleman sits next to him.  The guy decides to give it a try, so he looks over and asks, "So my friend.  Twenty eight."
He replies, "Twenty eight?  Bah!  A hundred and thirteen."
"Fifty-two."
"Fifty-two?" The man raises his voice a little.  "Seventy three!"
Not knowing what to say next, the man just spouts off random numbers.  "Eight nine"
"Eight"
"Ninety six."
"A hundred and four!"
The exchange continues back and forth.  Thirty-two.  Fifty Six.  Seventy nine.  One thirty three.
The old man stops and with a huge grin, he says "Ah ... very clever.  Very clever.  One thirty three.  But Sixteen.  You never considered sixteen. Checkmate."
The guy, still clueless about what they just argued about, looks to the bartender, holds up his finger to motion for another drink and says, "One."
At that moment, the bar goes silent.  They all look to the man.  The elderly gentleman is furious.  Enraged.  He stands up, and with as strong a punch any octogenarian can muster, he hits the guy as hard as he can, and storms out.
Stunned, the guy recomposes himself.  The bar goes back to their conversations, and he asks the bartender, "What the hell just happened?"
"That was Saul Greenberg, and you just said he's no better than Hitler."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6m7w/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_semioriginal/
%
What do you get when there is a death at a funeral?

A rehearsal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6jc5/what_do_you_get_when_there_is_a_death_at_a_funeral/
%
Hermaphrodite...

A woman gives birth to a baby. Shortly afterward, the doctor comes into the room looking grim faced. The woman sees this and panics.
"Doctor, is my baby ok?"
"Yes", the doctor replies. "But, Mrs. Johnson, I must tell you that your baby was born an hermaphrodite."
"A... hermaphro-whaaat???"
"An hermaphrodite, Mrs. Johnson. Essentially, your baby was born with the same body parts pertaining to both a male AND a female."
The woman thinks about this.
"So... let me get this straight, doctor. You're telling me that my baby was born with both a penis AND a brain???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6iel/hermaphrodite/
%
I applied for a job at a blacksmiths

He asked if ive ever shoed a horse before.
I said no but i once told a donkey to fuck off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6ena/i_applied_for_a_job_at_a_blacksmiths/
%
What do you call a pessimistic Mexican doing math?

Negative Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6dq8/what_do_you_call_a_pessimistic_mexican_doing_math/
%
Surprise bj

I woke up to a surprise blowjob today.
I should really start sleeping with my mouth closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6d8s/surprise_bj/
%
What do you call a cuddle with only one person?

A cddle, because u weren't there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6bqp/what_do_you_call_a_cuddle_with_only_one_person/
%
Mammoth walks down the street.

All of a sudden a dozen of elephants get out of the corner, see Mammoth, come by and beat the shit out of him.
After they left Mammoth stands up, spits broken tusks and says: "Fucking skinheads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t697h/mammoth_walks_down_the_street/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first orders a pint.  The second orders half a pint.  The third orders a quarter pint.  The barman says "Fuck you guys" and pours two pints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t66pc/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
A Nazi walks into a Bar...

... Mitzvah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t66ne/a_nazi_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t664f/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t662x/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t65jk/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
What do you call a clown in prison?

A sillycon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6557/what_do_you_call_a_clown_in_prison/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t6548/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
An exhibitionist cross path with a 6 yo girl on her way to school.

He asks the little girl "Hey, honey, do you know what a phallus is ?"
"No mister, I've never heard of it"
He then gets his raincoat wide open, revealing the erected object and starting to laugh frantically "It's this ! hahahahaha"
To which the child answers "Oh I see, it's like a dick, but smaller."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t63ya/an_exhibitionist_cross_path_with_a_6_yo_girl_on/
%
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.

After some while, Noah happened upon two snakes sunning themselves. "Why aren't you multiplying?" Noah asked. The snakes replied, "We can't, we're adders."
So Noah and his sons went into the nearby forest and felled some trees. They made a platform of logs onto which they placed the snakes. You see, even adders can multiply on a log table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t62ge/as_the_animals_left_the_ark_noah_told_them_to_go/
%
When a woman gets a vibrator, It's seen as a bit of naughty fun.

But when a guy orders a 240 volt fuckmaster pro 5000 blow up latex doll, with a 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system. He's called a pervert!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t60b6/when_a_woman_gets_a_vibrator_its_seen_as_a_bit_of/
%
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t5uxc/funny_that_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_tons_of_girls/
%
I can't remember the translation of German "wichtig."

I have a feeling it's important, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t5tfj/i_cant_remember_the_translation_of_german_wichtig/
%
I wonder if..

What if the ocean is salty because the land never waves back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t5mr7/i_wonder_if/
%
If waitresses with big boobs work at Hooters, then where do 1 legged waitresses work?

IHOP
Gives tipping your waitress new meaning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t5ktz/if_waitresses_with_big_boobs_work_at_hooters_then/
%
I got jailed when I performed a magic trick.

Apparently, when I make the kids disappear, I also have to make them reappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t5grg/i_got_jailed_when_i_performed_a_magic_trick/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

People care if the vest gets triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t5fnz/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
If Bruno Mars married Venus Williams on Earth, do you think they'd have a Sun?

Only if they planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t5c6j/if_bruno_mars_married_venus_williams_on_earth_do/
%
The Trump Travel ban was refused due to lack of evidence..

Apparently "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it" wasn't enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t55f6/the_trump_travel_ban_was_refused_due_to_lack_of/
%
Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t53wd/why_did_the_blind_man_fall_into_the_well/
%
Why did the blonde climb the roof of the pub?

The drinks were on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t52x1/why_did_the_blonde_climb_the_roof_of_the_pub/
%
Wanna hear an overused joke about necrophilia and bestiality?

You're just fucking a dead horse...
(Sorry if this is a repost, I heard this at school)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t518h/wanna_hear_an_overused_joke_about_necrophilia_and/
%
What is a mathematician's favorite thing to find in the woods?

A log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t50rq/what_is_a_mathematicians_favorite_thing_to_find/
%
What kind of Bees give the Most Milk?

Boo Bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t500j/what_kind_of_bees_give_the_most_milk/
%
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4y6g/i_wasnt_originally_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
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The parrot without legs

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot.” I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag.” Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4w3e/the_parrot_without_legs/
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A Nazi goes to a bar...

A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.
"Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."
Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amused, goes back to the bar
"Barkeep! I want to order a second round for everyone but him, and this time make it all top shelf".
Nazi looks again at the Jew, sees him STILL smiling back.
"Is that Jew an idiot or what?"
Bartender responds: "Oh no my friend, that's the owner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4u3j/a_nazi_goes_to_a_bar/
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What do you call a gay midget with great timing?

A Metro-Gnome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4tfq/what_do_you_call_a_gay_midget_with_great_timing/
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When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was...

She said: 'Oh, two or three'.
Now, she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4tdr/when_i_was_a_kid_i_asked_my_mum_what_a_couple_was/
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I found a copy of Mission Impossible 3 among my blu-rays the other day...

I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4slz/i_found_a_copy_of_mission_impossible_3_among_my/
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Dinner

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4rva/dinner/
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A teacher asks her student a question...

"if there's two birds on a power line and somebody shoots one of them, how many birds are left?"
" Zero" the boy said "the others would have flown away"
"Actually the correct answer is two" said the teacher "but I like where your heads at."
The boy came back to school next day and asked the teacher a question. "If there's three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream and one is licking their ice cream, one is chomping on theirs and the other is sucking on theirs, which one is married?"
The teacher answered "the woman sucking her ice cream."
The boy replied "actually it's the one with the wedding ring but I like where your heads at."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4rid/a_teacher_asks_her_student_a_question/
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Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas

He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4rex/stevie_wonder_got_a_cheese_grater_for_christmas/
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My dentist gives me cavity searches all the time.

I think I need a new dentist..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4qnd/my_dentist_gives_me_cavity_searches_all_the_time/
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I knew this girl that tried to trade sex for adderall.

What an attention whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4kxy/i_knew_this_girl_that_tried_to_trade_sex_for/
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Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is
my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I
figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least
like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last
anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the
Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least
like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well
for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I
figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4kwy/three_guys_were_sitting_in_a_bar_talking_one_was/
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Three missionaries in Africa

Three missionaries are going to evangelize tribes in the deep jungle, where they heard dangerous tribes exist.
What had to happen happened, and they got caught by a warriors tribe. Everybody is killed except the missionaries and one native interpreter.
The tribe chief tells the first missionary:
"You have been considered by the mighty tribe of Koungata. Now you have to choose: Tounga, or death.
- Well, said the missionary, I don't know Tounga but anything is better than death! I choose Tounga.
- Very well! Tounga it is, then."
Then three huge warriors approach, bend the missionary over and have their way with him, brutally. The screams can be heard for a full hour.
Then it's the turn of the second missionary, who is deathly pale but still choose Tounga, and gets pounded by three new huge warriors.
When it's the turn of the third missionary, he just can't take it and says:
" I can't, this is too much, I'd rather die a martyr than suffer such indignity! I choose death!
- Very well, answers the chief, you chose death. You will have death, by Tounga !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4h78/three_missionaries_in_africa/
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They say you should work until your bank account looks like a phone number. I checked my balance and realized, if that was true, I could retire!

I have $9.11 in my account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4fqe/they_say_you_should_work_until_your_bank_account/
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When Life gives you a cheese grater...

You hold it up and say, 'Life's grate'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4crj/when_life_gives_you_a_cheese_grater/
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Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

All over the place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4cnn/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_when_they_die/
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What do you call a group of terrorists with music degrees?

Al coda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4cbv/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_terrorists_with_music/
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An Archaeologist Found an Ancient Vase at a Dig Site...

and as he began to inspect the runes carved in it, he started dusting it off, and a genie came screaming out of it in rage.
"**Who disturbs my slumber**! I have been asleep for thousands of years, and *you* dare to wake ***me***? I should kill you where you stand!"
The archaeologist, whose name was Benjamin, cowered in terror as the genie fumed before him, hoping that the genie's rage might be sated without him ending up dead.
"Fine," the genie grumbled finally after a tense silence. "I will let you live, with one condition. You must not shave or cut the hair on your head, for when you do, I will turn you into an urn just like the one from which I came. Remember! I will not forget."
As Benjamin timidly removed his arm from his face, he saw a flash of light, and *poof* the genie was no more, and only the urn remained to remind him of the curse that had been placed upon him.
Finishing up his business at the dig site, he returned home to his job in artifact restoration at a museum in the city where he lived. The genie's urn he had left in the tomb where it lay, sealing the room shut when the expedition had left.
After many years had passed, Benjamin began to have difficulty dealing with his hair. A scraggly mustache and beard drooped down his chin to his chest, and his shoulder-length hair was a constant irritation whenever he looked in the mirror.
Finally, after a day of itching and scratching at his face and head, he gave up.
"Surely the genie will not carry out the curse. Maybe if I just trimmed my beard a bit, he would let me alone."
The next few minutes found Benjamin in his bathroom facing the mirror, scissors in hand. Taking a deep breath, he placed the scissors close to his chin to cut off the ends of his beard. His hand began to close, and just as the first few strands of hair were severed from his body---
"**FOOL!** You ignored my command, and for that, you shall *die*!" shouted the genie, who appeared out of nowhere.
Suddenly, Benjamin was no more, and all that was left was an ancient-looking urn on the ground where his feet had been planted.
And that was the end of Benjamin.
Now, what can we learn from this sad, sad tale?
...
...
...
*A Benny shaved, is a Benny urned.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4bre/an_archaeologist_found_an_ancient_vase_at_a_dig/
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My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh.

Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4awf/my_girlfriend_found_one_of_my_puns_so_funny_that/
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I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me

My parents can be real jerks sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4adu/i_went_by_the_house_i_grew_up_in_and_asked_if_i/
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The dad, husband and pastor of a woman arrive outside a hospital delivery room

The nurse stated that the hospital policy only allowed one person to be in the delivery room with the woman. Unfortunately, all 3 became confused when the woman giving birth screamed, "FATHER I NEED YOU".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t49x6/the_dad_husband_and_pastor_of_a_woman_arrive/
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I like my men like I like my coffee

Made by my mother-in-law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t49e8/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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taxi

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t4985/taxi/
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Blind man

During summer there was a day that was so hot it was almost unbearable.
In an old church, with no fans or air conditioning there was two nuns and a priest. The nuns clothing was making them so hot since it was not very breathable material.
So they decided to go to the priest and ask, "Father, can we please remove these clothes! It is just too hot and we can not take it anymore!", to which the priest replied, "Absolutely not! It is forbidden to be nude around others as a nun!". The nuns were very disheartened, and were becoming emotional. The priest see's this and as he is a kind man he offers a compromise, "You may remove your clothing but as long as you stay in your rooms, lock the doors, and allow no one in with your clothes off!".
The nuns were extremely happy with this and ran off to their rooms as quickly as possible, and undressed. A couple hours later, one of the nuns hears a knock on the door, **knock** **knock** **knock**. She is surprised since there is supposed to be no one around besides the other none and priest. She calls out "Who is it? What do you want?", a mans voice replies with "Its the blind man." The nun is very relieved as she does not have to get dressed since the man is blind and can not obviously see her with no clothes on. So she opens the door and greets the man, "Hi sir, what can I help you with?" and the man replies with "Nice tits sister, now where can I put these blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t495e/blind_man/
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bad ass

A Marine Aviator lands on an Aircraft Carrier. He gets out of his aircraft and has a shoe box under his arm.
He goes down to the Mess Hall for lunch, looks around and says " I"m the baddest dude on this ship and I can prove it"!
He opens the shoe box and pulls out a snapping turtle. He pokes the turtle in the eyes, it opens its mouth and he pulls his dick out of his pants and puts it into the turtles mouth. The turtle starts biting down, blood is shooting all over and everyone in the Mess Hall is shocked.
He pokes the turtle in the eyes again it opens its mouth and he puts his dick back into his pants.
He looks around and says " any of you bad enough to do that"!
A young Navy Recruit from the back says " I'LL give it a try, just don't poke me in the eyes"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t48kh/bad_ass/
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The biggest question of our generation...

Who makes the sandwich in a lesbian relationship?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t477u/the_biggest_question_of_our_generation/
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A father-son talk

A father asked his 12 year old son if he knew how babies were made, so the kid started crying: I don't want to know! Please don't tell me!
The confused father asked the boy why he didn't want to know.
"Because when I was 6 I was told the easter bunny wasn't real. When I was 7 you told me the tooth fart wasn't real and when  I was 10 I found out santa wasn't real!
Now you're gonna tell me adults don't actually screw?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t46ws/a_fatherson_talk/
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How long are math snakes?

3.14 feet. Well, at least the πthon is
(I'm so sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t43gl/how_long_are_math_snakes/
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What happens after NASA farts?

It apollogises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t43cd/what_happens_after_nasa_farts/
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Why did Bobby Shmurda go to jail?

He was convicted with second degree shmurder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t42w4/why_did_bobby_shmurda_go_to_jail/
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Snowman puns to celebrate the snowstorm in my area

What do vampires get when they bite snowmen?
"Frostbite"
What is a snowman's favorite cereal?
"Snowflakes"
Why didn't the snowman answer the question?
"He didn't snow the answer"
What does a snowman like to ride?
"An icicle"
How can you tell a snowman is angry at you?
"You get the cold shoulder... or an icy stare"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t421m/snowman_puns_to_celebrate_the_snowstorm_in_my_area/
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I'm almost a millionaire!

I have all the zeros, just looking for the one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t41m8/im_almost_a_millionaire/
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Does anyone else get as excited about Valentine's Day coming up as they did about Christmas when they were little?

Or is it just because I'm Jewish?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3ysx/does_anyone_else_get_as_excited_about_valentines/
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What did the doctor say to the annoying patient who didn't like the way he was stitching up his cut?

Suture self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3xv1/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_annoying_patient/
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Two black guys are pissing off a dock and into a lake...

*Two black guys are pissing off a dock and into a lake...*
*...one guy says to the other:*
**"Man, this water's cold!"**
*The other guy replies:*
**"And deep too!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3xsn/two_black_guys_are_pissing_off_a_dock_and_into_a/
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Why do hipsters love field hockey?

Because it's ice hockey before it gets cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3w74/why_do_hipsters_love_field_hockey/
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When are men the smartest? NSFW

Before sex, during sex, or after sex?
During sex because he's plugged into miss know it all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3vde/when_are_men_the_smartest_nsfw/
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman..

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.
The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
One year later, the doors are all unlocked.
The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.
To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3uvv/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman/
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My friend told me to try out a gloryhole, since you can pretend it's a woman on the other side

I've sucked 5 dicks so far and I still have no idea how this is supposed to work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3u01/my_friend_told_me_to_try_out_a_gloryhole_since/
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A Young guy from Nebraska

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3t47/a_young_guy_from_nebraska/
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Someone once asked me why I don't tell 'your mom' jokes...

I responded by saying that 'your mom' are so overused.
Just like your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3re8/someone_once_asked_me_why_i_dont_tell_your_mom/
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I need to find the watch I misplaced

But I can't seem to find the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3p4f/i_need_to_find_the_watch_i_misplaced/
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In the beginning, God created the dog.

He told it, "For 20 years, you are to sit near the door and bark at whoever walks by."
The dog responded, "20 years? That's a long time to do that. How about I do that for 10 years and give you back the remainder?"
God agreed. He then created the monkey and told it, "For 20 years, you are to entertain and bring joy to others."
The monkey replied, "20 years is a long time to do that. What if I do it for 10 years and give you back the rest of the time?"
God agreed. He proceeded to create the cow to which He told, "For 40 years, you are to slave and provide others with milk and labor."
The cow protested, "That's a long time to do that. What if I do half and give you back the remainder?"
God agreed. He finally created man and said to him, "For 25 years, you are to eat, sleep, marry, and have fun."
Man asks, "Only 25 years? That's not nearly enough time. Couldn't you give me the remainder of the time that the animals gave back?"
God agreed. That is why now after marriage, we spend 20 years slaving and providing for our family, 10 years entertaining our grandchildren, and 10 more years sitting near the door and barking at whoever walks by.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3ojm/in_the_beginning_god_created_the_dog/
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Friend asked to use my phone to call his mom..

Told him to just hit redial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3kx1/friend_asked_to_use_my_phone_to_call_his_mom/
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[NSFW] What does a superstitious pimp check every day?

His whore-o-scope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3j3e/nsfw_what_does_a_superstitious_pimp_check_every/
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A friend told me that laughter is the best medicine

Now I understand why Jeff Dunham is so sick all the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3ivj/a_friend_told_me_that_laughter_is_the_best/
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What type of bakery has the fastest service?

A Russian bakery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3inv/what_type_of_bakery_has_the_fastest_service/
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A man isn't happy with the size of his... [long]

John has a date planned with a very attractive young lady in a few weeks, and he's a bit nervous.
You see, John is a fairly successful single man. He's got good looks, money, a luxurious loft apartment, and a convertible sports car. You can be sure that all of the ladies want him, but of all the things he has, there is one thing that he just wasn't happy with: the size of his penis.
John decides he has enough money to get a penis enlargement. I mean, if a woman can get her barely an A mosquito bites exploded into bodacious DD tatas, then why can't he go from teenage Asian to Mandingo?
So John makes an appointment to see a penis enlargement specialist.
After waiting a few days he finally gets into his appointment he has been so anxious about. The surgeon asks: "So what can I do for you today John?" to which John replies "Y'know doc, I'm just not too happy with the size of my penis. It's kind of... ^small." The doctor thinks for a minute and then says: "Well, John, unfortunately I'm fresh out of penises at the moment. We won't really be able to do anything for you until I get my next shipment in a couple months." John seems devastated. He can't believe that he has to go on this date knowing this girl will laugh as soon as she catches a glimpse of his little Vienna sausage. He begs the doctor: "Please! There has to be *something* you can do to help me. I'm begging you!" The doctor responds: "Hmm.. give me just a moment." He walks out of the room, and returns a few minutes later. "I have potential good news for you John, but I'm not sure if you're going to be up for it. You see, I'm fresh out of penises, but I *do* have this baby elephant trunk. I know it's a bit odd, but it will make Mandingo looks like a little school boy." John thinks for a minute, and decides it isn't such a bad idea. "Anything is better than what I'm packing right now." John says.
John schedules the procedure, and ends up recovering a few days before his date.
The big day comes, and John is more confident than ever. He picks her up in the roadster, makes undeniably confident eye contact, and is making her laugh all the way to the restaurant. Really, everything has been going beautifully. They arrive at a *fancy* restaurant, valet parks his car, and they are seated immediately. A minute later the waiter comes with a basket of bread rolls, places them on the table, and asks what they would like to drink. John orders them both the most expensive bottle of wine they had. The waiter leaves to retrieve the wine while John and his beautiful date look over the menu. John tells her that she can have *anything* she'd like. "Don't even look at the pricing, money isn't an issue." he says. The waiter returns with the wine, and they place their order. While waiting for their food they decide to dig into the rolls. They both get a roll, butter it, and begin eating. Everything seems dandy, and then out of **nowhere** a baby elephant trunk **SHOOTS** up from under the table, grabs a roll, and disappears. John's date was **amazed**. "**WOAH!** Can you do that again?!" she said. To which he replied:
"I can, but I don't think I could fit another roll up my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3fwp/a_man_isnt_happy_with_the_size_of_his_long/
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What's the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self?

Single-ply toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3exv/whats_the_quickest_way_to_get_in_touch_with_your/
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Clothing related typos...

They're the vest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3e3j/clothing_related_typos/
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Queen Elizabeth may have lived to be 102,

but Diana got up to 120 when she died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3dnm/queen_elizabeth_may_have_lived_to_be_102/
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I said hello to a feminist today.

Trials start next week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t3asr/i_said_hello_to_a_feminist_today/
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I went to a seafood disco last night

Pulled a mussel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t392o/i_went_to_a_seafood_disco_last_night/
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The pension office demanded my 86 year old grandfather prove his age.

He had no copy of his birth certificate and his driver's license had long since expired. But, he went to the office and demanded to see his administrator. He took off his hat, showed his white hair and balding head and said, "There, is that proof enough I'm old enough to receive a pension?" The administrator agreed and cut him his check. He proudly returned home to show grandmother and she said, "Great, but you should have taken off your pants and shown him your willy too, you would have got disability benefits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t38m7/the_pension_office_demanded_my_86_year_old/
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Why do churches hate geometry?

Editted and deleted by Power Delete Suite. Get that shit over here:
https://nl.reddit.com/r/PowerDeleteSuite/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t37ld/why_do_churches_hate_geometry/
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Why didn't the Koala get the job?

He didn't have...
The Koala-fications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t36r4/why_didnt_the_koala_get_the_job/
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People keep asking me what I'll be doing in 3 years time

Like come on guys I don't have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t35oq/people_keep_asking_me_what_ill_be_doing_in_3/
%
Tom Brady has a perfect record in the Super Bowl

He's 5 out of 7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t35g1/tom_brady_has_a_perfect_record_in_the_super_bowl/
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What's the difference between a hookers and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t34oi/whats_the_difference_between_a_hookers_and_a_drug/
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I had a dream last night that I was reading Lord of the Rings to people.

Turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t340a/i_had_a_dream_last_night_that_i_was_reading_lord/
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What does Altoid mean?

I've always wondered what that word mint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t31ro/what_does_altoid_mean/
%
A new priest is nervous about mass.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
2.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
3.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
4.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
5.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
6.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to
as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
7.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
8.When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
9.We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
10.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
11.The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
12.The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-
A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13.Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
14. Sip the Vodka, don't drink it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t30ir/a_new_priest_is_nervous_about_mass/
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What do you call a fat girl in yoga pants at Walmart?

Cashier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t2z38/what_do_you_call_a_fat_girl_in_yoga_pants_at/
%
Only 1940 kids will get this

A job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t2xrf/only_1940_kids_will_get_this/
%
How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes the entire ER staff to get it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t2u1c/how_many_gay_men_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I tried out for suicide club

I didn't make the cut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t2ocl/i_tried_out_for_suicide_club/
%
The boys asked, "Grandma, are you watching today's football match?" She asks which match. "Austria-Hungary". She answers…

"Against whom?"
Stolen from r/witze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t2k6h/the_boys_asked_grandma_are_you_watching_todays/
%
I am very happy with my wife. She likes to compliment me from time to time.....

Otherday she was telling me that I have the biggest cock among my friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t2hkx/i_am_very_happy_with_my_wife_she_likes_to/
%
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender gives him a strange look, but serves him his drinks. The Irishman takes them to a booth, clinks them together, and drinks them all.
He then goes back to the bartender and orders another three beers, which he proceeds to drink in the same fashion.
On his third round, the bartender can't help but ask him "excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice that your order your drinks in threes, if you don't mind telling me, I was wondering why that is"
The Irishman grins and says "Well, I just moved here from me hometown. When me and me two best mates split ways, we agreed that we'd always have a drink for each other when we went out, so that we always drink together." The bartender nods understandingly, and serves him his drinks.
The Irishman keeps up this routine, coming to the bar at least twice a week and ordering three drinks at a time.
One day the Irishman walks in, solemnly makes his way to bar, and orders two beers. The patrons and the bartender all see this, and they assume that something terrible has happened to one of his friends. However, they don't want to disturb him in his time of grief, so they refrain from asking him anything.
When he goes to order his second round, the bartender can't help but remark "I'm so sorry for your loss". The Irishman looks up and says "Me loss!? What in tarnation are ye talking aboot?"
The bartender says "Well when you bought two drinks, I assumed that one of your friends had passed"
The Irishman laughs and says "No, nothing of the sort. I quit drinking is all".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t2gvn/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_three/
%
Smokers go out in the cold for 10+ minutes a day and freeze their asses off in the winter and what do they do they get in return?

Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t2fwa/smokers_go_out_in_the_cold_for_10_minutes_a_day/
%
Poor farmers

Farmers are having an awful time at the moment in Ireland. No grants, no profit, just terrible.
John: "Well Tom how are things, how's the farming?"
Tom: "Bad John, I think I'm going to switch from milking cows to raising cocks"
John: "Why is that?"
Tom: "Well farmers need the cocks to breed with the hens so there will be a rake of money in it."
John: "How many cocks have you got?"
Tom: "Only the 3, come down to the haggard and I'll show you. One is normal, one is dyslexic and the other is gay."
Cock 1: "Cockle-Doodle-Doo!"
Cock 2: "Doodle-Doo-A-Cock!"
Cock 3: "Any-Cock'll-Doo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t2e5r/poor_farmers/
%
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don't care if she has either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t2dgv/what_do_a_pulse_and_an_orgasm_have_in_common/
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Why is Tumblr bad for you?

Because it contains too much Transfat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t2aev/why_is_tumblr_bad_for_you/
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Norwegians in Minnesota

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the fire fighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the large newer fire trucks that were parked around the plant.
Without even slowing down, the old truck drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other fire
fighters watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had the fire well under control and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t27xw/norwegians_in_minnesota/
%
What do you call a Hispanic sniper?

A Puerto-recon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1zch/what_do_you_call_a_hispanic_sniper/
%
What are the three greatest lies?

a)the check is in the mail
b)small is beatiful
c)I won't come in your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1yil/what_are_the_three_greatest_lies/
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Dad Joke

It was my birthday an me and my Dad were driving on the highway when we saw a terrible accident. My Dad said "This is the worst accident I've seen in 20years!"
Well yeah it was my 20th birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1v32/dad_joke/
%
A female gorilla is alone in a cage at a zoo...

... She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He walks over to him and asks:
"Would you be willing to.. perhaps have sex with a gorilla for 500 dollars?"
The janitor thinks about it for a while and agrees but on 3 conditions.
"First!" He says, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Understood?"
"Yes." Says the zookeeper.
"Second!" The janitor says, "I don't want anyone to know about this!"
"Alright" says the zookeeper, "And what's the third condition?"
"I'm going to need a little bit more time to come up with the 500 dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1t3z/a_female_gorilla_is_alone_in_a_cage_at_a_zoo/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

People begin to quickly, but calmly leave the bar as they realize the potential danger of the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1qtq/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What was the highlight of the bulimic bachelor party?

It was when the cake came out of the girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1qko/what_was_the_highlight_of_the_bulimic_bachelor/
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I won $100 on a radio competition this morning.

The DJ called me and said, “We are going live in a few seconds, I’m going to ask you what you’re going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air.”
“Okay” I replied.
He said, “3…2….1….. Congratulations to Lefty, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?”
I said, “I’m going to spend it on air.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1pl6/i_won_100_on_a_radio_competition_this_morning/
%
What are 50 babies, each holding a gun, called?

An infantry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1mo1/what_are_50_babies_each_holding_a_gun_called/
%
I think I have OCD.

I Think I Have OCD.
I think I have O.C.D.
I think I have O.C.D..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1kzm/i_think_i_have_ocd/
%
Over the last few weeks i've been collecting details about my life and adding them to spreadsheet on my computer.

I've really exelled myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1j8p/over_the_last_few_weeks_ive_been_collecting/
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What do you call when a Programmer pukes at IHop?

A Stack Overflow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1hv5/what_do_you_call_when_a_programmer_pukes_at_ihop/
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Phone statistics in third world countries:

Boy to Boy          00:00:59
Boy to Mom        00:00:50
Boy to Dad          00:00:30
Boy to Girl           01:23:59
Girl to Girl            05:29:59
Girl to Boy            Missed call
Husband to Wife   00:00:03
Wife to Husband   14 Missed Calls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1hs0/phone_statistics_in_third_world_countries/
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I want to open a gym for people with fetishes.

It's a great idea in theory, but I'm still trying to work out the kinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1gvx/i_want_to_open_a_gym_for_people_with_fetishes/
%
How to get free internet @ home

I live in an apartment complex so I have neighbors left to right and below me. One day I asked my neighbor if he was interested in splitting the cost of my wifi 50/50 so he could also use it. He agreed. I went on to my other neighbor downstairs and asked him the same thing. Now both my neighbors are paying for my wifi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1fyv/how_to_get_free_internet_home/
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Sieg Heil by Covergirl

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one panics.
Hitler does the same thing and everyone loses their minds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1ftl/sieg_heil_by_covergirl/
%
I saw someone robbing a store and went to stop him. He hit me with a bag of golden coins.

I guess you could say I had some cents knocked into me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1em9/i_saw_someone_robbing_a_store_and_went_to_stop/
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I like my coffee how I like my calculus expressions:

Limitless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1drg/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_calculus/
%
I always carry a bomb around with me ...

What is the likelihood of having two bombs in the same place at the same time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t1dno/i_always_carry_a_bomb_around_with_me/
%
My wife thinks I'm "selfish in the bedroom".

She's the one that won't let me sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t18sv/my_wife_thinks_im_selfish_in_the_bedroom/
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Old People Always Poke Me

Old people at wedding always poke me and say
You Are the Next
.
.
So, I Started Doing The Same Thing To Them At Funerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t175o/old_people_always_poke_me/
%
Sexy up skirt...

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt, I couldn’t resist a quick glance at her panties.
“Hey perv!!” she said as she gave me a playful kick. “I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls’ skirts isn’t it?”
“That’s an absolutely ridiculous accusation, miss,” I said sternly. “I don’t fucking work here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t14wn/sexy_up_skirt/
%
A blonde took her son to a doctor..

A blonde took her son to a doctor: Doctor, I think my son swallowed a key! I'm so worried
Doctor: Calm down and tell me when did this happen?
Blonde: About a week ago.
Doctor: Why the hell didn't you bring him to me earlier?
Blonde: We had a spare but now that's also lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t121p/a_blonde_took_her_son_to_a_doctor/
%
Two tennis players got into a shouting match.

They made quite a racket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0x4q/two_tennis_players_got_into_a_shouting_match/
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How many nuns does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0wrg/how_many_nuns_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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Vladislav

There was once a man named Vladislav. He worked an average job, received minimum wage, and was frustrated with his life.
One day he received a call from his wife, who told him out of guilt that she had been cheating on him for several months now, and wanted to stop by the house to collect her belongings before she left him.
Upon reaching home, the wife saw Vlad sitting on a couch, staring at the wall.
"Vladislav..."
He looks at her and says with an unmoving expression:
"Baby, don't hurt me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0ua1/vladislav/
%
Why did the Super Bowl Champions refuse to meet Trump at the White House?

Because they were Patriots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0u59/why_did_the_super_bowl_champions_refuse_to_meet/
%
During WW2 a British pilot is captured by the Germans and sent to a POW camp.

While there he developes an infection in his leg and the camp doctor tells him that they have to amputate.
"I have a request," says the pilot, "could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land the next time your boys do a flyover?"
"We can do that." says the doctor. He makes the arrangements and the ashes are delivered.
The pilot gets another infection, this time in his arm. The doctor tells him they need to amputate.
"I have a request," says the pilot, "could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land the next time your boys do a flyover?"
"We can do that." says the doctor. He makes the arrangements and the ashes are delivered
A few weeks go by and the pilot gets another infection, this time in his remaining leg. The doctor tells him that they need to amputate.
"I have a request," says the pilot, "could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land-"
"STOP!" bellows a prison guard, "He's trying to escape!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0rat/during_ww2_a_british_pilot_is_captured_by_the/
%
What's better than /r/jokes?

the comments in /r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0qt9/whats_better_than_rjokes/
%
A pirate walks into a bar..

With a wheel on his crotch. The bar tender says
"Aye, what's with the wheel?"
Pirate says "arrrrrghhhhhh, it be driving me nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0qb9/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I am annoyed that my wife came up with a girls name for my penis

I don't even know who Ana Conda is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0ku7/i_am_annoyed_that_my_wife_came_up_with_a_girls/
%
Masturbating

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0kf8/masturbating/
%
I saw an old school friend today

and he started bragging about his well paid job, his flash expensive car and his enormous house.
Then he took a photo out of his wallet, showed it to me and said. "That's my wife, isn't she beautiful"?
I looked it at and said "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife"
He said "Why, is she a stunner?”
I said "No, she's a fucking optometrist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0jv4/i_saw_an_old_school_friend_today/
%
Two tugboat captains have been friends for years.

They would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0jd3/two_tugboat_captains_have_been_friends_for_years/
%
What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0hjm/whats_blue_and_not_very_heavy/
%
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism?

He got repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0fqw/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_couldnt_pay_for/
%
I have a dig bick

You that read wrong
You read that wrong too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0eun/i_have_a_dig_bick/
%
Two Teenage Boys Were Arrested For Doing Drugs

When they went to court, the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month.
The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.
The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"
The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0eqj/two_teenage_boys_were_arrested_for_doing_drugs/
%
A young married couple decides to join a church...

They attend a few introductory classes and meet with the pastor, who will decide whether they'll be approved for membership.
The pastor says, "Well, as you may have heard, we take fasting pretty seriously here. And Lent is just around the corner. I'd like to ask you to do something that may seem strange, but it will really demonstrate that you're committed to this church and to our spiritual disciplines. I'd like you to give up all sexual contact with each other for the entire 40 days of Lent."
The husband swallows hard. The wife audibly gasps. But they look at each other, and then to the pastor. The husband says, "Okay. We'll give it a shot."
A week into Lent, they show up at the pastor's office looking a bit shamefaced. The pastor welcomes them in, and they can't seem to make eye contact. He knows it's gone wrong and he folds his hands, leans forward and says, "Tell me what happened."
The young husband blurted out, "We tried! We really tried. But the second day of Lent was our anniversary. We went out to dinner, had a bottle of wine, and when we got home, things just started to go, you know. Down a certain path." The wife said, "But nothing happened — we danced and kissed briefly and then I made him sleep on the couch."
"The next night," the husband explained, "We talked about it, and both felt pretty guilty. But as the evening wore on, I could tell that both of us were really wanting that physical intimacy. So I actually went to a friend's house and slept at his place."
"Go on," said the pastor.
The husband said, "And then yesterday evening, she was reaching up to grab a can of peas from the top shelf and, well, she just looked so beautiful — I mean, that's good, right? She's my wife! I'm supposed to find her arousing. She looked so good, I grabbed her, we kissed, and then we ripped off all of our clothes and had wild, passionate, loud, messy sex right there on the floor."
The pastor stood up, shook his head in disgust and said with considerable exasperation as he motioned toward the door, "I'm sorry. But you are no longer welcome here at this church."
They got up to leave and the wife said, "That's okay. We're not welcome at Kroger anymore either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t0d41/a_young_married_couple_decides_to_join_a_church/
%
I hate breakups.

Especially when they try to let you down gently.
"It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space"  "We can still be cousins".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t09eb/i_hate_breakups/
%
I learned a few things today.

1. I'm gonna be a dad!
2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
3. My sisters not on the pill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t08gg/i_learned_a_few_things_today/
%
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t07bo/police_in_london_have_found_a_bomb_outside_a/
%
A woman was telling her friend , "I helped my husband become a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?"
"A billionaire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t05qs/a_woman_was_telling_her_friend_i_helped_my/
%
My wife says I never listen. I can prove she's wrong.

That's because she never says anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t04li/my_wife_says_i_never_listen_i_can_prove_shes_wrong/
%
In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.
The big day finally came, and he was parachuted to the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.
*"Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?",* he asked the conductor in authentic Russian.
*"5 Rubles, Comrade American"*, came the reply.
Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-ass. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar.
*"It's just around the block, Comrade American."*
Keats' doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vodka.
*"Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?",* the bartender asked.
Keats threw a fit. *"What's the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?"*
*"Well Comrade, it's because you're black."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t03i5/in_soviet_russia_an_american_spy_tries_to_blend_in/
%
- Doctor, I want to live very old

- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing cocaine and coming back home to have unprotected sex with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t02ir/doctor_i_want_to_live_very_old/
%
Have you heard about the new emo pizza?

It cuts itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5t011c/have_you_heard_about_the_new_emo_pizza/
%
Who is the most poetic videogame character?

Sonnet the Hedgehog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5szyzb/who_is_the_most_poetic_videogame_character/
%
I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma,

Emma Gination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5szws1/i_already_got_a_date_this_valentines_day_her_name/
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What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5szv1u/what_kind_of_prize_do_you_give_someone_who_hasnt/
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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, no sex tonight either!
Edit 2: Thank you for the gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sznk7/no_sex_tonight/
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Working holiday

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where are you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5szmv1/working_holiday/
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I love open-minded people.

Like JFK and Kurt Cobain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5szl6u/i_love_openminded_people/
%
Who came first. The chicken or the egg

A very embarrassed rooster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5szl06/who_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

...and tells the bartender "Give me anything but a Budweiser." So the bartender hands him a beer, the man drinks it, and leaves.
Next day, man comes in and says "Give me anything but a Budweiser." Bartender gives him a beer, the man drinks it, and leaves.
Next day, he comes back with the same request. The bartender is obviously very curious at this points. So he asks "What is the problem with Budweiser?"
The man answers "Well, I once drank 20 Budweisers, went home, and blew chunks."
The bartender laughs and says "That would happen to anyone after drinking 20 of any beer."
The man looks around sheepishly and whispers "Chunks is my dog's name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5szj6n/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Balding grizzles pass their genes to their offspring or...

Bare bears bear bare bears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5szhh0/balding_grizzles_pass_their_genes_to_their/
%
Why did the bee order a cup of coffee?

For a quick buzz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5szbgs/why_did_the_bee_order_a_cup_of_coffee/
%
Why can't the pony yell?

His voice is too horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5szbg0/why_cant_the_pony_yell/
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At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sz9pd/at_st_peters_catholic_church_in_toronto_they_have/
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Why are lawyers buried deeper than regular people?

Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sz7dk/why_are_lawyers_buried_deeper_than_regular_people/
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A guy came into my shoe shop today

He said, "I'd like a pair of red shoes please."
"Certainly sir," I replied. "What size?"
"Size 40."
Fucking clown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sz2kc/a_guy_came_into_my_shoe_shop_today/
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If your life is awful, get a rope and a stool

...and find the next tree. Throw the rope over a branch and attach the stool to the rope.
Now you've got a swing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5syvmv/if_your_life_is_awful_get_a_rope_and_a_stool/
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Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sys0z/stephen_hawking_is_a_very_paranoid_man/
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I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!'

I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5syqdh/i_asked_my_wife_what_she_wanted_for_valentines/
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Not everyone may think digging tunnels is exciting

Some may even call it boring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sym7n/not_everyone_may_think_digging_tunnels_is_exciting/
%
How to reclose an opened bottle of champagne?

I don't know, ask Falcons fans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5syl2a/how_to_reclose_an_opened_bottle_of_champagne/
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A female blond police officer pulls over another blond female driver..

Blond police officer: "Can I see your license and registration?"
Driver: "What's a license?"
Police officer: "It's a thing in your purse with your picture on it."
Driver: *Fumbles through purse and finds her reflection on a mirror and hands it to the officer*
Police officer: *looks in mirror and sees own reflection and hands the mirror back the driver*
Police officer: "I'm so sorry for pulling you over, I didn't know you were a fellow officer, have a great day" *Walks away*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5syibi/a_female_blond_police_officer_pulls_over_another/
%
Why are there no "B" batteries?

You would never be able to ask for them without sounding like you have a stutter.
"B-Batteries please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sygqw/why_are_there_no_b_batteries/
%
My neighbors listen to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sy9x5/my_neighbors_listen_to_great_music/
%
Why did everyone pass the final confectioner exam?

It was a piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sy6xg/why_did_everyone_pass_the_final_confectioner_exam/
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A Russian alcoholic loses the key to car...

His wife wakes him from his drunken slumber.
"Where are the keys to the car!?" she demands.
"Vodka? Whiskey?" he replies.
(read with Russian accent)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sy1xq/a_russian_alcoholic_loses_the_key_to_car/
%
A priest and a rabbi are at a wedding...

the priest sees an altar boy, and says, "man I'd really like to screw him." The rabbi responds by saying, "out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxzzg/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_at_a_wedding/
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What city has the most people eating waffles on the beach?

San Diego

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxznu/what_city_has_the_most_people_eating_waffles_on/
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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It’s a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxy04/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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My teacher told me if I slept with her I'd get an A for the semester.

I love being homeschooled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxxfg/my_teacher_told_me_if_i_slept_with_her_id_get_an/
%
I used to buy my ex chocolate all the time

She was such a bitch, I hoped it would kill her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxvq6/i_used_to_buy_my_ex_chocolate_all_the_time/
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Have you heard about the magic dildo?

One day a business man had to go on a long trip for work and decided that before his trip he would buy a "special present" for his wife while he was away.
On his way home, the man went to an adult store and asked the worker if their were any new items that would keep his wife busy while he was away.
The worker pointed to the latest and greatest "magic dildo". He told the business man "all you need to do is tell it where you want it to go and it will magically go there".
The business man couldn't believe it so the worker said "magic dildo to the door!" The dildo jumped out of its box and flew to the door. The business man was so excited that he bought a boxed dildo right then and there.
When he got home he was so excited and told his wife about the new present he bought her. She didn't love the idea but a few days later she was feeling lonely and pulled out the box to her magic dildo.
She said "magic dildo to my vagina!" The dildo jumped out of the box and started pleasuring her. After finishing the wife tried pulling the dildo out but it wouldn't budge.
She got really worried and her calls wouldn't go through to her husband so, she started driving to the hospital. On her way the dildo continued pleasuring her and with each orgasm she swerved her car.
Soon after swerving, a cop pulled her over and asked why she was swerving. She told the cop the whole story about the magic dildo and how she couldn't get it out of her.
The cop laughed and said "magic dildo my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxtzq/have_you_heard_about_the_magic_dildo/
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A Newlywed Couple

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing." He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxrwb/a_newlywed_couple/
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Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxr4y/republicans_are_the_true_snowflakes/
%
An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year.

**iPhone**: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!!
**Android Phone**: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag?
**iPhone**: Fuckers.....updated......me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxqbm/an_android_phone_and_an_iphone_meet_after_a_year/
%
A Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand.

"make me one with everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxq19/a_buddhist_monk_walks_up_to_a_hotdog_stand/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

I really doesn't matter he's not gonna come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxn10/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Windows 10 users won't get this.

Privacy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxmq7/windows_10_users_wont_get_this/
%
A man walks into a bar waving his gun around

A man walks into the bar waving his gun around yelling, "I have 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!" A voice from the back of the room called out, "You're gonna need more ammo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxil9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_waving_his_gun_around/
%
Only 2010's kids will get this...

Measles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxe70/only_2010s_kids_will_get_this/
%
What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?

20 class rings fell out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxdkj/what_happened_to_the_cheerleader_when_she_did_the/
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10 Inch Bic

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long cigarette lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard of hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other "
Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?"
The other man replies
"I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxdkd/10_inch_bic/
%
"Hey, I heard somebody called you an owl today."

Who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxceu/hey_i_heard_somebody_called_you_an_owl_today/
%
What's the difference between E.T. and an illegal immigrant?

E.T. learned the language, and eventually went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxbqe/whats_the_difference_between_et_and_an_illegal/
%
I noticed something about the letter "B"

Sometimes it makes subtle appearances

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxbje/i_noticed_something_about_the_letter_b/
%
How does a reptile climb a mountain?

It scales it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxao0/how_does_a_reptile_climb_a_mountain/
%
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only 1, but the lightbulb has to be willing to change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxac6/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sxa02/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company...

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sx7x7/an_elderly_lady_phoned_her_telephone_company/
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Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sx7q9/why_cant_helen_keller_drive/
%
What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Phil-lip Phil-lop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sx6jc/what_do_you_call_a_french_man_wearing_sandals/
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What did JayZ call Beyonce before they got married?

Feyonce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sx66r/what_did_jayz_call_beyonce_before_they_got_married/
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What do you call a rabbit with fleas

Bugs bunny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sx441/what_do_you_call_a_rabbit_with_fleas/
%
I had to quit my job as a pool cleaner...

It was too draining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sx3cz/i_had_to_quit_my_job_as_a_pool_cleaner/
%
The last time I was someone's type,

I was donating blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sx2sd/the_last_time_i_was_someones_type/
%
I want to be like Leonardo DiCaprio from Inception.

He has a dream job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sx2c4/i_want_to_be_like_leonardo_dicaprio_from_inception/
%
Made me laugh more than I should have!

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?!
An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swy2w/made_me_laugh_more_than_i_should_have/
%
What do you call an Apple update you don't see coming?

An iPatch... I'm sorry...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swxz3/what_do_you_call_an_apple_update_you_dont_see/
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I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face.

That's what happens when you hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swwgj/i_followed_dwayne_johnson_for_an_hour_and_when_he/
%
A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

He later gets arrested for petty theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swub4/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat/
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A German tank commander boasted "One Tiger can take on ten Shermans!"

And an American replied "Good thing we have eleven."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swu1r/a_german_tank_commander_boasted_one_tiger_can/
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What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swsck/what_do_you_call_a_fat_girl_with_a_rape_whistle/
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What do you call a Japanese man in America with $8932 and 40 cents?

A Mill*yen*aire.
...Yeah I know I'm a shitbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swsax/what_do_you_call_a_japanese_man_in_america_with/
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What do Donald Trump and the iPhone 7 have in common?

They both think de-porting is the answer when there’s no more Jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swrky/what_do_donald_trump_and_the_iphone_7_have_in/
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Jobs that dont exist anymore...

Steve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swqrn/jobs_that_dont_exist_anymore/
%
A Pair of Slippers and A Dildo

Two guys are sitting around talking about what they got their wives for Valentines Day
Todd : "So, what did you get your wife for Valentines day?"
Mark : "I got her this BEAUTIFUL diamond ring. She shows this thing off wherever she goes. She wears it to the store, out to get the mail, to the gas station, etc. She loves it man. What about you?"
Todd : "Well, I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo..."
Mark : "What the fuck? That's rather odd for Valentines day don't ya think?"
Todd : "Actually, it makes perfect sense. If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go fuck herself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swp70/a_pair_of_slippers_and_a_dildo/
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How does Harry Potter like to go down hills?

Walking
j.k.  ...rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swnsh/how_does_harry_potter_like_to_go_down_hills/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swmk6/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
There was a very angry bodybuilder psychologist

He had Freud rage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swlnd/there_was_a_very_angry_bodybuilder_psychologist/
%
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swjds/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
What do clams do for their birthday?

They shellibrate...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swcor/what_do_clams_do_for_their_birthday/
%
What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common?

A continuing chance to create a better tomorrow.
You **sick** bastards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5swb7h/what_do_magic_johnson_charlie_sheen_and_roughly/
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What do you call sodium chloride beating someone up with Bruce Lee's corpse?

A salt with a dead Lee weapon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sw5lh/what_do_you_call_sodium_chloride_beating_someone/
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[NSFW] [LONG] A 5 year old boy is watching his dad work on the car with his neighbor Bob

The boy asks "daddy, what does it sound like when bird sees another bird?"
The father drops a wrench "tweet tweet tweet. I'm working junior."
Father and Bob go back to working on the car. The little boy's eyes perk up.
"Daddy, what do dogs say when they are happy to see another dog?"
Father, annoyed responds "woof woof woof. Stop asking so many questions, we're working"
The little boy is distracted for a moment when he says "Daddy, what does mommy say when she is happy to see you?" Father doesn't immediately respond. The little boy, perturbed yells, "DADDY!!"
Father is startled and bangs his head on the engine, beginning to bleed, he screams "Oh god, fuck me!" Bob scrambles for a towel.
The little boy says, "Silly, Daddy, that's what mommy says when she talks to Bob in her room while you're at work, I asked what she says when she's happy to see you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sw5hr/nsfw_long_a_5_year_old_boy_is_watching_his_dad/
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Only anti-vaxxers will get this...

Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sw154/only_antivaxxers_will_get_this/
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A rabbi is on his deathbed...

...and a friend asks him if he has any last requests. The Rabbi asks his friend to find him a Catholic priest, so that he might convert.
Confused, his friend asks, "Rabbi, why? You have been a great teacher and leader of your followers, and you have led a good and honorable Jewish life. Why would you want to become a Catholic now, before you die?"
He says, "Eh, better one of them than one of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5svxdg/a_rabbi_is_on_his_deathbed/
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Only Coal Miners Will Get This

Black lung disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5svuv0/only_coal_miners_will_get_this/
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The School Janitor

Janitor: I know im just a school janitor, but my eldest son is in M.I.T., his younger brother in Princeton, and my youngest in Harvard.
Student: (amazed) Wow, what are they studying?
Janitor: Oh no, they are janitors as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5svu5d/the_school_janitor/
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NSA..

Always listening to our customers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5svsi8/nsa/
%
Frequent browsers of /r/jokes will not get this.

Laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5svs5j/frequent_browsers_of_rjokes_will_not_get_this/
%
A world without women...

...would be a pain the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5svriq/a_world_without_women/
%
Some people are into carbon dating.

It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5svq0h/some_people_are_into_carbon_dating/
%
A guy walks into a bar

And sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks,
“What’s this about?” The bartender replies,
“Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat,
you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If
you miss, you pay for everyone’s drinks for the
next hour. You wanna do it?” The guy replies,
“Nah, the steaks are too high.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5svmhl/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because you put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5svme0/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
Wanna hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5svh7i/wanna_hear_a_word_i_just_made_up/
%
Dont know how to say the word GIF?

Just prounounce the G how its pronounced in gigantic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5svfla/dont_know_how_to_say_the_word_gif/
%
Da Bomb

Guy 1: You da bomb
Guy 2: No, you da bomb
In America: a compliment. In the Middle East: an argument

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5svclo/da_bomb/
%
A man walks into church and sits in the confessional booth.

The priest sits down and the man says, "Forgive me for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed."
The priest replies, "Would you like to tell me what happened?"
"Well," the guy says. "I was out on the seventh hole, and I'd just hit my best drive of the day. Straight ahead, down the middle of the fairway, and a long way down. I was feeling pretty good about myself as I walked to the ball. I wasn't 30 feet away when a squirrel ran out of the trees and grabbed my ball."
The priest interrupts, "Oh, I see. So that's when you cursed?"
The man replies, "No Father, I didn't. As the squirrel was running away, it got to the end of the fairway when it was caught by a hawk, which flew high into the air."
Once again, he priest interrupts, "So that's when you cursed?"
The man continues, "No Father. The hawk started flying away, and I followed it, because it flew in the direction of the green. As it passed over the green, it squeezed the squirrel with its talons, causing the ball to drop about three feet from the pin."
The priest says, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5svbcy/a_man_walks_into_church_and_sits_in_the/
%
What do you call a beehive without an exit?

Unbelievable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sval1/what_do_you_call_a_beehive_without_an_exit/
%
If flossing is a pain in the ass

you are doing it at the wrong end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sv8b0/if_flossing_is_a_pain_in_the_ass/
%
Fun fact: Betsy Devos' name contains every letter of the alphabet

that she knows of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sv7l4/fun_fact_betsy_devos_name_contains_every_letter/
%
The Tramps Holiday

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.
Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."
"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."
"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.
"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."
"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...
... and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"Okay," agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...
up and up...
below him the ship grew smaller...
on and on...
past a solitary albatross...
and still higher...
till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...
and on still further...
/ till the ocean grew dim...
and the earth itself...
began to shrink...
past our moon...
and on...
and Mars...
and on...
higher, and higher...
through the asteroid belt...
and on and on towards the diving board...
past the outer planets, until...
on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...
he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...
and then...
.' '.
. .
. .
he jumped.
.
.
.
.
:
Slowly at first,
:
but speeding up,
:
:
:
faster, and faster,
:
speeding past Pluto,
:
and the other outer planets,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
through the asteroid belt,
past Mars,
and the moon,
faster,
and faster,
faster - ever faster,
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster,
past the albatross,
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL.........
SMASH!
Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see...
I'm a just poor tramp...
so you must understand...
I've been through many a hard ship in my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sv6nq/the_tramps_holiday/
%
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic?

About halfway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sv6kc/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
At a Nazi mine

A worker calls out to Hitler:
"Sir, we are mining too many useless Ores"
[Hitler rubs his chin, contemplating]
"So mine less"
[Grammar Nazi chimes in, from above]
"MINE FEWER"
[Hitler looks up]
"Yes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sv2fk/at_a_nazi_mine/
%
Recruitment lady on phone - Sir I have two openings for you..

Me - Yes, I know.
(Long silence)
Her - asshole
Me - prefer the other one...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sv15z/recruitment_lady_on_phone_sir_i_have_two_openings/
%
I don't usually brag.....

I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5suzk3/i_dont_usually_brag/
%
What do you get if you add yeast to soup?

A souprise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5suzg2/what_do_you_get_if_you_add_yeast_to_soup/
%
My ex always used to annoy me by saying I have terrible aim for a hitman.

I miss her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5suyhv/my_ex_always_used_to_annoy_me_by_saying_i_have/
%
Only 50,000 BC kids will get this

Ugga: Ung bung uhh mang Bunga tankun ung
Bunga: Nanga uhh ung tangung uhh...unganun
Ugga: Inga Bunga langa ung ugg Ugga?
Bunga: Ung bunga uhh tangung angu OOK OOOOOK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5suvo3/only_50000_bc_kids_will_get_this/
%
Can circumsized men ride bikes on the sidewalk?

..or do you have to be a complete dick..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sutc6/can_circumsized_men_ride_bikes_on_the_sidewalk/
%
Heard the sperm bank gives $50 for your sperm.

I have a sock in my room worth $3000.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5surlo/heard_the_sperm_bank_gives_50_for_your_sperm/
%
My mother-in-law fell in a wishing well.

I didn't know they worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5suqds/my_motherinlaw_fell_in_a_wishing_well/
%
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
And those who didn't expect a base three counting system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5suoyn/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
%
A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* … he disappeared without a tres!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5suntu/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
%
How tall is Betsy DeVos?

We don't know, she can't measure growth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sumx2/how_tall_is_betsy_devos/
%
What does a bee say when it returns to it's hive?

Honey, I'm home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sumdt/what_does_a_bee_say_when_it_returns_to_its_hive/
%
How many Potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5suhvj/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men.

After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river.
The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so well-known in the village, the locals gave him their position on the line, until he reaches the top of the line.
Looking ahead the doctor realizes that there is a donkey, he thinks: Wow, have sex with an animal? Poor people. And I cannot deny me now that they have so graciously ceded their positions.
Within fifteen minutes of having sex with the donkey, while all the men in the row watched, as he kissed her and bit her ears, one of them walks up to him and secretly ask him: Doctor, how long till you finish? We need the donkey to cross the river, there is a village with women there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5suhix/a_newly_graduated_doctor_is_assigned_to_a_rural/
%
Why do midgets always laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sugr3/why_do_midgets_always_laugh_when_they_play_soccer/
%
Overheard at the Gynecologist Office:

A blonde, a brunette & red head are waiting to be seen at the Gynecologist office. All three are pregnant. They start talking to eachother about their babies.
Brunette: I'm going to have a boy because I was on top during sex.
Redhead: Well, I was on the bottom during sex so I'm having a girl.
Blonde: Oh my God! I'm going to have puppies!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sug0f/overheard_at_the_gynecologist_office/
%
According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking.

Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who can lie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5suelp/according_to_a_recent_study_men_on_dating_sites/
%
Deaf people seem tough to me

Because they always let their fists do the talking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sucu9/deaf_people_seem_tough_to_me/
%
Confensual sex

A couple had been married for 40 years, and decided for their anniversary they would go to the same spot they went on their honeymoon those 40 years ago. It was a nice little spot by a farm, with rolling hills visible in the distance.
As they strolled down a path next to the cows, the husband smacked his wife on the behind and said "You know honey, 40 years ago we had sex right here, up against this fence. You remember?"
She replied "Yes, I do remember. We sure were something back then, werent we?"
He answered "Indeed. How about we do it again for old time's sake?"
With that, they proceeded to have sex up against the same fence that they done it against as newlyweds.
When finished, the old man exclaimed "Wow honey, you really had a good time, didnt you? You havent moved that much in a long time, in fact, I dont even know if you moved that much when we had sex here 40 years ago!"
She said "Well, 40 years ago that fence wasnt electrified."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5su9be/confensual_sex/
%
I don't trust anyone with a conspiracy theory, man.

I think they are all up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5su6a4/i_dont_trust_anyone_with_a_conspiracy_theory_man/
%
Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition

One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning."
The doctor thought this was very odd, and wanted to have Mr. Pott wait with him in one of his rooms for a while to see if he could catch the odd phenomenon.
They waited...
And waited...
THERE! No, that was just a trick of the light...
Hours went by...
Finally it was time for the doctor's office to close. Mr. Pott left the office, and as soon as he got into his car, his skin got all red and puffy.
He called the doctor the next day, and said that it happened again as soon as he got into his car, and asked if he could come back into the office. The doctor said sure, since he wasn't busy that day.
Again Mr. Pott and the doctor waited to witness the described symptoms, but again, nothing happened all day.
That night, as Mr. Pott was getting into his car, he broke out in a rash almost instantly.
Mr. Pott again called the doctor and asked to come in.
Every day Mr. Pott would go see the doctor. This went on for days, weeks, and finally months, to no avail.
In fact, the doctor never did see the odd skin condition, because a watched Pott never boils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5su0qy/mr_pott_was_an_average_man_with_an_extraordinary/
%
I built a Rollercoaster park but it's not as good as a lot of others

It definitely has its ups and downs thiugh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5stzjf/i_built_a_rollercoaster_park_but_its_not_as_good/
%
90s kids won't get this either

Jobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5stwyn/90s_kids_wont_get_this_either/
%
Two fish are in a tank...

Suddenly, one turns to the other and says:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5stvkd/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
A pirate captain walks into a bar...

...with a peg leg, a steering wheel hanging from his pants, and a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender: "Excuse me Captain, but you have a steering wheel hanging from your pants!"
Pirate: "Arrrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sttga/a_pirate_captain_walks_into_a_bar/
%
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator

but only a fraction of people will get the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5strdf/there_is_a_fine_line_between_numerator_and/
%
Where did Timmy go during the explosion?

**EVERYWHERE**.
He had a newfound respect for life after being spared from such a life-changing event. He went to Arizona, Colorado, New York, England, then settled down in Paris with his now-engaged girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5stoy3/where_did_timmy_go_during_the_explosion/
%
What's the difference between Betsy DeVos and a Grizzly Bear?

Betsy DeVos is an actual threat to school children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5stmyd/whats_the_difference_between_betsy_devos_and_a/
%
Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day...

...the side chick is you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5stjoo/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue_if_hes_busy_on/
%
I like my coffee black

and without crackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5stifa/i_like_my_coffee_black/
%
Donald Trump calls the media 'fake news' even when they're directly quoting something he said/tweeted...

...but since most of the things he says are fake, by transitive property, the news is fake too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sthap/donald_trump_calls_the_media_fake_news_even_when/
%
The doctor gave me 6 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5stgnb/the_doctor_gave_me_6_months_to_live/
%
What do you call the wife of a hippy?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5std7s/what_do_you_call_the_wife_of_a_hippy/
%
Only 1300's kids will get this..

The Black Plague

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5std5f/only_1300s_kids_will_get_this/
%
The Muslim Ban

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate. However, as the Mufti didn't speak Italian, and the Pope didn't speak Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mufti looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his fingers around his head. The Mufti pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Mufti pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Moulana was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God! Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He beat me at every move and I could not continue!"
Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd won. "I haven't a clue," the Mufti said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him as they call it 'the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!" "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the Mufti. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5stcw6/the_muslim_ban/
%
Blonde

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"
The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5stae9/blonde/
%
!false

It's funny because it's true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5st51o/false/
%
This morning I woke up to a blow job.

Oh wait, my job blows every morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5st4yb/this_morning_i_woke_up_to_a_blow_job/
%
An 85-year old man needs to give a sperm sample... [Long]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this---first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5st4hw/an_85year_old_man_needs_to_give_a_sperm_sample/
%
Was hit by a rental car earlier today...

It still Hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5st36g/was_hit_by_a_rental_car_earlier_today/
%
What did the grape say when it got squashed?

Nothing; it just let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5st2fk/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_got_squashed/
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What do you call an illegal immigrant fighting a child rapist?

Alien vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5st09o/what_do_you_call_an_illegal_immigrant_fighting_a/
%
A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods

The bear turned around and asked the rabbit, "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No" the rabbit replied.
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sswom/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_were_taking_a_shit_in_the/
%
What did one π rad say to the other π rad?

"arrrr matey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ssvum/what_did_one_π_rad_say_to_the_other_π_rad/
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Two cows are standing in a field.

*The first cow says*: did you hear about that "mad cow disease" that's going around? That sounds pretty terrible.
*The second cow says*: yeah, it does. Good thing us chickens don't have to worry about that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ssvn2/two_cows_are_standing_in_a_field/
%
A boy asks a girl to prom..,

..and she says yes. Overexcited, he is told he must show up with a limo and a tuxedo. So he goes to the limo rental and waits in the limo line, and he gets the limo. Then, he goes to the tuxedo rental and waits in the tuxedo line. Finally, the big day comes, and he brings his date to prom. She asks him to get some punch. He goes over to get some punch, and realizes there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sssyl/a_boy_asks_a_girl_to_prom/
%
How does a mathematician solve their constipation?

They work it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ssstf/how_does_a_mathematician_solve_their_constipation/
%
I used to have diarrhea

...but then I got my shit together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sspvy/i_used_to_have_diarrhea/
%
Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?

Yes February 14th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sspi2/do_you_have_a_date_for_valentines_day/
%
There was a couple that was married 50 years

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the man said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," she snickered, "What do you
say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ssoty/there_was_a_couple_that_was_married_50_years/
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Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?

Andy has diabetes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ssnu4/andy_has_150_candy_bars_he_eats_125_what_does/
%
How do you teach someone to make an omelette?

Show them an eggsample

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ssn6g/how_do_you_teach_someone_to_make_an_omelette/
%
I would call Donald Trump a cunt

but he lacks both depth and warmth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ssn3z/i_would_call_donald_trump_a_cunt/
%
Did you hear the one about all the missing women in the area?

No? Thats good then...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ssm77/did_you_hear_the_one_about_all_the_missing_women/
%
I think my cellmate was gay last time I went to jail

His dick tasted like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ssj78/i_think_my_cellmate_was_gay_last_time_i_went_to/
%
Prison sex...

It's con-sensual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ssdyi/prison_sex/
%
What do cows produce during an earthquake?

MILKSHAKE!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ssbgg/what_do_cows_produce_during_an_earthquake/
%
Two whales walk into a bar....

The first one says: "AOOOOOUUUUUOOOUUUUGGGAAAAUUUOOOOOOOOOOAAAAGOOOOGGGGUUUUUAAAAAAAAA"
The second one says: " Go home steve, your drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ssa84/two_whales_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What was U2's lawyer's hourly rate?

Nothing, he was pro-Bono

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ss8mi/what_was_u2s_lawyers_hourly_rate/
%
What did O say to Q?

Put that thing away, there are kids here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ss8e1/what_did_o_say_to_q/
%
Betsy DeVos's school funding plan...

You start with $0.
But if you sign up 5 kids for school, and those kids sign up 5 more kids, and THOSE kids sign up 5 more kids...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ss8ds/betsy_devoss_school_funding_plan/
%
What do you call a super model with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ss70w/what_do_you_call_a_super_model_with_a_yeast/
%
What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'
He sends his regards...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ss571/whats_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a/
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I love hyperbole

It is literally the best thing ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ss39m/i_love_hyperbole/
%
So Queen of Englad was bored and summoned an American, a frenchman and a russian...

They gather at the palace. The queen says: "Bring me your greatest weapon!". And so they went and came back. The frenchman brought a pistol, the american - an assault rifle while the russian is nowhere to be seen.
The queen got tired of waiting and said the rest: " now take those weapons and shove them up your arse!"
The frechman takes the pistol and shoves it up no problem, didnt feel a thing
The american is stuffing the rifle as hard as he can and keeps crying and laughing, crying and laughing
The queen asks:" why are you alternating between crying laughing?"
The american answers:" I'm crying because this hurts, jesus fucking christ. I'm laughing because the russian is driving over here with a fucking tank"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ss2we/so_queen_of_englad_was_bored_and_summoned_an/
%
What's Donald Trump's spirit animal?

The wall-rus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ss0w0/whats_donald_trumps_spirit_animal/
%
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Never mind, it's an obscure number you probably haven't even heard of before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ss04f/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
The Nun and the Uber Driver

One night, an Uber driver picked up a nun. While he was driving, the driver started to laugh insanely.
"Why are you laughing?" asked the Nun
"Oh it's nothing." said the Uber driver
"No really" said the Nun, "I won't mind"
So the driver told her, "Well, it's really silly but I've always had this fantasy of having a blowjob from a nun"
"Well then, what's your name?" the nun enquired.
"Robert"
"Are you married?"
"No"
"Are you Catholic?"
"Yes"
"Then pull into the alley way"
The driver was so stunned he didn't want to give up this chance so he pulled into the alley, when they were finalised they returned to the car.
While driving, "Robert" started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the nun.
"I'm sorry, I lied"
"How so?"
"Well my name is Daniel. I have a wife and three kids and I'm Jewish."
"Well, I've done a bit of lying too" the Nun grinned "My name is Simon and I'm going to a costume party"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5srzd8/the_nun_and_the_uber_driver/
%
People think I'm a pervert...

People think I'm a pervert because I sleep with a 9 year old. But you have to remember, dog years are 7 times longer than ours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5srt4z/people_think_im_a_pervert/
%
So my wife walked into the room while I was having sex with my daughter......

I wasn't sure what she was more freaked out by, the fact that I was fucking our daughter, or that the abortion clinic gave me the fetus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5srsii/so_my_wife_walked_into_the_room_while_i_was/
%
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

**Golden Retriever**: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
**Border Collie**: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
**Dachshund**: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
**Toy Poodle**: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
**Rottweiler**: Go Ahead! Make me!
**Shi-tzu**: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .
**Lab**: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
**Malamute**: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
**Cocker Spaniel**: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
**Doberman Pinscher**: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
**Mastiff**: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
**Hound Dog**: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
**Chihuahua**: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
**Pointer**: I see it, there it is, right there...
**Greyhound**: It isn't moving. Who cares?
**Australian Shepherd**: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
**Old English Sheep Dog**: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sro79/how_many_dogs_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
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Two teenagers snuck into a crypt at night. One tripped over a small bone and the other unashamedly laughed.

Can't blame him though, it was a little humerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5srkkc/two_teenagers_snuck_into_a_crypt_at_night_one/
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I lead a pretty rock n roll lifestyle

I wake up stoned and roll out of bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5srh7f/i_lead_a_pretty_rock_n_roll_lifestyle/
%
There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5srf8v/theres_that_moment_when_you_put_your_steak_on_the/
%
A buddy of mine got sent to jail

and completely lost his shit as soon as he got there. 30-seconds in, he punched another guy, that guy went down, and a huge fight broke out. There was a lot of blood, a lot of swearing, and the whole time my buddy was just swinging wildly and shouting absolute nonsense.
We don't play Monopoly together anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5srebz/a_buddy_of_mine_got_sent_to_jail/
%
When life hands you lemons.....Make lemonade

Then, find someone for whom life has handed them Vodka....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5srb81/when_life_hands_you_lemonsmake_lemonade/
%
The Sanders/Cruz debate was really weird

It was like peeking into an alternate dimension where both parties had hindsight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5srb3p/the_sanderscruz_debate_was_really_weird/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to screw it in.
One to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination.
One to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination.
One to suggest the whole “screwing” bit to be too “rape-like”.
One to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic.
One to blame men for not changing the bulb.
One to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it.
One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs.
One to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs.
One to advocate that light bulb changers should have wage parity with electricians.
One to alert the media that women are now “out-lightbulbing” men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sr9ln/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:

"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."
His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sr80n/an_old_farmer_wrote_a_letter_to_his_innocent_son/
%
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sr4fj/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof_fell_in_love_and_got/
%
What's the hardest part when telling a gay joke?

Keeping a straight face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sr2wd/whats_the_hardest_part_when_telling_a_gay_joke/
%
A severely obese man walks into a doctor's office to get his medical results.

He waddles his way into the room before he manages to climb up onto the examination table. The room falls silent while the doctor reads through his file.
"So we did your blood work and I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this...but you have a pretty bad weight problem."
The man sitting on the examination table looks at him with a face of confusion as silence fills the room. He finally answers "...you realize I know that, right? I've been overweight for years. You aren't telling me anything that I don't already know."
The doctor tosses the man's file onto his desk before cupping his hands over his mouth in momentary thought. "You don't seem to understand the *weight* of your situation so let me attempt to break this down for you. I have been in practice for almost 15 years and you are literally the fattest man who has ever walked into this office. You aren't just fat, you are at a level of obesity that I personally didn't even think was medically possible. The fact that you were able to walk into this office on your own strength alone is a miracle that would make Jesus Christ ask *How'd he do that?* and that guy walked on water.
When we did your blood work, your blood sugar level was at 500 which effectively makes you a brand of coffee sweetener. I couldn't even take your blood pressure with a normal pressure cuff because of how fat your arms are. I had to jerry-rig a cuff out of the spare tire of my Ford F150. Your cholesterol level came back as Land-O-Lakes. My goal is to try and get that to "I can't believe it's not butter" but even that's a long shot. Your blood was so thick and meaty that we received a call from the blood center asking us why we decided to send them a tube of Ragu to analyze. Are you following me on this or do you need me to give you some more examples?"
The room goes quiet again as the severely obese man stares at the doctor with a face that is beat red from anger.
"You know what? I didn't come in here to be insulted. I came here to get my medical results from someone who I thought was supposed to be helping me. You may think that you're trying to help me but what exactly are you accomplishing by being such a scumbag about it?"
The doctor goes silent for a moment before finally responding.
"I was gonna sugar coat it but I was concerned you might eat me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqwiq/a_severely_obese_man_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
%
The dentist told me I need a crown.

I'm like, "I know, right?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqtzu/the_dentist_told_me_i_need_a_crown/
%
I screamed my crushes name while having sex with my girlfriend

But she didn't care 'cause Mercy isn't our safeword.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqqtl/i_screamed_my_crushes_name_while_having_sex_with/
%
When do people have unhappy bowel movements?

On sad-turd-days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqq2l/when_do_people_have_unhappy_bowel_movements/
%
A man is driving down the road and breaks down

near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.The man demands the key to the stone door.The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”The man is relieved to no end.He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.But I can't tell you because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqq0w/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
%
Why don't squirrels mate in the summer?

Because they're storing their nuts for the winter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqp5w/why_dont_squirrels_mate_in_the_summer/
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'90s kids won't get this

Social security

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqnqg/90s_kids_wont_get_this/
%
Why don't women fart?

They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqjdv/why_dont_women_fart/
%
My husband almost gave me a heart attack when he said "I like my men like I like my coffee...."

"and I fucking hate coffee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqhlp/my_husband_almost_gave_me_a_heart_attack_when_he/
%
The rancher had 196 cows

But when he rounded them up he had 200

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqhey/the_rancher_had_196_cows/
%
My neighbors caught me watching them have sex through their bedroom window and told my parents.

My dad made me apologize and told the couple I was normally above that type of behavior. I took the advice and started watching through the skylight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqeqb/my_neighbors_caught_me_watching_them_have_sex/
%
The Toilet!

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As  she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied,
"Actually, I've seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqejy/the_toilet/
%
TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime

Because he's innocent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqd7j/til_abraham_lincoln_is_the_only_president_that/
%
What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law?

Reload.
(Thanks Bob Dylan via Theme Time Radio Hour)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqd3j/what_do_you_do_if_you_miss_your_motherinlaw/
%
Unemployment at its best!

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American   doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqbe0/unemployment_at_its_best/
%
What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

Frog said ribbit ribbit. The horny toad said rubbit rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sqbbn/whats_the_difference_between_a_frog_and_a_horny/
%
I was woken up at 5am by a crow...

It just wouldn't stop cawing. After an hour I felt like shooting the damned thing! Then another crow joined it and they started to have a jolly old conversation. I wanted to blow both their heads off! One more crow and there definitely would've been a murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sq9sy/i_was_woken_up_at_5am_by_a_crow/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were going camping.

They set up their tent, started a campfire, and laid down their sleeping bags inside of the tent. After a few hours of playing cards and joking by the fire, they extinguished the fire and went to sleep. Holmes awoke Watson in the middle of the night and they looked up at the starry night sky.
"Watson, look at the sky, what do you see?"
"I see thousands of shining stars, and it's hard to believe how many millions of billions of miles away they are from us." replied Watson.
"And what is else can you infer?" said Holmes.
"Well, if our sun is just a mere star among trillions, then we can safely assume there are billions of planets out there, and planets like Earth. And then life in the cosmos is a possibility."
"Watson, you dumbass, someone stole our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sq9im/sherlock_holmes_and_doctor_watson_were_going/
%
A cop goes up to the window of a car he's just pulled over

Cop: "Any drugs or alcohol today?"
Man: "No but I vape"
Cop: "Look pal, I don't give a shit if you're gay, just answer the question."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sq6r9/a_cop_goes_up_to_the_window_of_a_car_hes_just/
%
I tried to start an online bakery.

But I accidentally deleted all my cookies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sq6pr/i_tried_to_start_an_online_bakery/
%
What comes after 69?

Listerine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sq5td/what_comes_after_69/
%
How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sq541/how_much_does_a_hipster_weigh/
%
Why should women stop having children after 35?

Because 36 is too many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sq2ip/why_should_women_stop_having_children_after_35/
%
How is driving a Ford truck similar to visiting Thailand?

Either way, you're likely to blow a tranny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sq25q/how_is_driving_a_ford_truck_similar_to_visiting/
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If you cited something from Reddit...

I guess you could call it Creddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sq21k/if_you_cited_something_from_reddit/
%
Two cows are eating grass in a field

The first turns to the second and says "Moooooo"
The second turns to the first and says "I was just about to say that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sq0x0/two_cows_are_eating_grass_in_a_field/
%
"You snooze, you lose."

-Competitive insomniacs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5spygr/you_snooze_you_lose/
%
Phone Call

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi!, how are you?”
Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”.
The voice said “So what are you up to?”.
I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”.
From next door, “Can I come over?”.
Annoyed, I said, “rather busy right now”.
The voice said, “Listen, i will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions”..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5spx66/phone_call/
%
What do you call a magical dog?

Labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5spor6/what_do_you_call_a_magical_dog/
%
Early one morning a son goes up to his dad and asks

"What's the difference between a cunt and a pussy?"
Looking a little surprised the dad goes
"Come with me and I'll show you"
Takes him into his mothers bedroom where she still sleeps and lifts up the sheets.
Dad : you see that, that's a pussy
Son: can I touch it?
Dad: fuck no, you'll wake the cunt up
My uncles told me this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5spo7c/early_one_morning_a_son_goes_up_to_his_dad_and/
%
I totally blew it with my new girlfriend

That's how it goes with inflatable partners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5spm7i/i_totally_blew_it_with_my_new_girlfriend/
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a badly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5splsl/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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What's the difference between an encyclopedia and a Republican senator?

The encyclopedia has a spine.
(Apologies to Senators Collins and Murkowski)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5spfr2/whats_the_difference_between_an_encyclopedia_and/
%
What did the Muslim say to Castro's gay lover?

"Stop, you are Infidel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5spcuv/what_did_the_muslim_say_to_castros_gay_lover/
%
Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence"

Jamaican student: "the cheetah is faster dandelion"
*Everyone dies*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5spa8s/teacher_asks_class_use_the_word_dandelion_in_a/
%
What type of berry can you drink out of?

A strawberry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sp847/what_type_of_berry_can_you_drink_out_of/
%
What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion?

Quack-aphony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sp7lz/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_ducks_quacking_at/
%
My dad told me to wipe my computer before I sell it.

I said, "Why?"
He said, "Because there's cum all over it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sp6zn/my_dad_told_me_to_wipe_my_computer_before_i_sell/
%
Apparently I'm allergic to Burt's Bees body wash

Broke out in hives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sp6ae/apparently_im_allergic_to_burts_bees_body_wash/
%
How many citrus fruits does it take to kill a pirate?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sp54t/how_many_citrus_fruits_does_it_take_to_kill_a/
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My girlfriend asked me if I'd ever been in a fight and I told her that I hadn't.

"You're a pussy," she said. "I once sent a guy to hospital."
I said, "We're talking about fighting, not cooking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sp0ka/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_id_ever_been_in_a_fight/
%
Soviet joke

Three men have to share a hotel room in Chelyabinsk during a congress. Naturally, in the evening, they start drinking. One thing leads to another, and they find themselves telling political jokes. Concerns that any of the others may be KGB informants or that the room may be bugged are readily dissolved in alcohol. Everybody is having a great time.
One is tired and really feels like sleeping; he decides to pull a joke on the others. He excuses himself, runs to the lobby and gives the receptionist a few bills. “Please send someone to my room with a bottle of vodka, some rye bread and salt in ten minutes.” He then returns to the room.
After a few minutes, he notes to the others that stocks of refreshments are running low. “Not to worry, comrades! I have good contacts.”
He leans over towards the potted plant in the corner, grabs it and loudly says, as if speaking into a microphone:
“Comrades at the listening post, this is lieutenant Dyatlov! We urgently require a bottle of vodka, some rye bread and salt to our room! Make haste!”
The others laugh their asses off – until a minute later, there’s a knock on the door and vodka, salt and rye bread is served.
You could hear a pin drop. Our man goes to sleep, enjoying the quiet.
When he wakes up in the morning, the others are gone. A note is left on the table. “Comrade! A couple of your jokes yesterday would easily get you to Siberia! (The one about Stalin’s maid, while hysterical, could get you in front of a firing squad!!!) However, we liked that room service joke so much, we’ll let you off the hook this time. Sincerely, KGB.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5soz7g/soviet_joke/
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First Day of School

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican immigrant, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth" "?
Again, no response except from Pedro:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sowde/first_day_of_school/
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Well to be Frank...

I would have to change my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sovbw/well_to_be_frank/
%
I saved €1.50 today...

Today I came home from work, out of breath and sweaty. My wife asked me what happened, to which I replied, "I saved €1.50 today by jogging behind the bus instead of riding it."
Instead of looking pleased, my wife looked annoyed. "Bloody moron," she said, "if you had jogged behind a taxi you could have saved €20!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sousw/i_saved_150_today/
%
My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like she was special...

...so I got her a helmet and a box of crayons!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5souhr/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_treat_her_like_she_was/
%
Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sosmm/police_officer_can_you_identify_yourself_sir/
%
Around 26 out of 100 people fail at probability theory

that's over 60%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sorya/around_26_out_of_100_people_fail_at_probability/
%
What do you call a letter from a feminist?

Hate male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sor0n/what_do_you_call_a_letter_from_a_feminist/
%
Education nominee Betsy DeVos wins Senate confirmation vote

I kept seeing this in r/news, but I was sure it belonged here......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sokzv/education_nominee_betsy_devos_wins_senate/
%
QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day.

QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity". The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in". Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"? "Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5softa/queen_elizabeth_and_dolly_parton_die_on_the_same/
%
The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I hand over my keys

today was my last day as a school bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sobtm/the_day_i_cant_do_my_job_drunk_is_the_day_i_hand/
%
You know, I don't find the recent super bowl win all that historic...

After all, this isn't the first time Atlanta was burned by the north.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5soa19/you_know_i_dont_find_the_recent_super_bowl_win/
%
Sounds of a countryside

Teacher in a class after holidays:
"Children, who has spent the last holidays at a countryside?"
Some pupils says that they have.
"What new sounds have you heard in there?"
"A cow says MOO"
"A cat says MEOW"
"The guy next door says GET THE FUCK OFF THE TRACTOR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5so9s6/sounds_of_a_countryside/
%
An interviewer asked me what my biggest weakness was

So I replied "Well I'd say my best strength is my listening skills"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5so60w/an_interviewer_asked_me_what_my_biggest_weakness/
%
I asked my wife if she wanted to try a new sex position called the 68.

I asked if she wanted to try the 68.
Wife: What's a 68?
Well it's when you go down on me, and I'll owe you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5so46e/i_asked_my_wife_if_she_wanted_to_try_a_new_sex/
%
A man makes a bet with his boss

He bets $500 that he can lick his eyeball.
Laughing the boss agrees.
The man takes off a fake eyeball and licks it.
The boss angrily gives him the $500.
The man then bets $500 he can bite his own ears.
The boss pulls his ears to check if the man is wearing any fake ones, then agrees.
The man takes out a set of fake teeth from his mouth and bites his ear with them.
Angry, the boss gives him $500 and tells him to go away.
The next day, the man comes back.
Boss: What now? Didn't you take enough money from me?
Man: Trust me. This one should be easy. I bet you all your money back that you are wearing purple underwear.
Boss: Haha! My underwear is black!
Man: May I see some proof?
The boss goes to the washroom and brings back his underwear in his hands.
The man cheerfully hands $1000 to the boss.
Boss: Why are you so happy?
Man: Look around you. All around the office's glass walls your 43 employees are watching.
Boss: And..?
Man: I bet each of them $500 that I can make you take off your underwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5snzh5/a_man_makes_a_bet_with_his_boss/
%
How did the Scandinavian countries communicate during WW2?

Norse code

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5snvqa/how_did_the_scandinavian_countries_communicate/
%
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5snupw/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
%
So a man is at a bar...

So there was a guy at a bar drinking and minding his own business. Suddenly, a man walks in carrying a very large duffel bag. He sits down at the bar, and places his bag on the counter. **POOF!** Out popped a little man from the bag who looked around, and then jumped back in the bag. A few moments later he re-emerged from the bag with a smaller (proportionately sized) piano, and began to play it.
Curious, the first guy asks "What's the story behind this guy?"
"Well," the second guy says as he reaches into the bag. "I found this in the woods the other day" he said as he pulled a lamp of sorts from the bag. He said "It houses a genie who will grant anybody just one wish! JBe sure to speak clearly though because he is a little hard of hearing."
The first guy, not taking him seriously spouts out "Well then I wish for a million bucks."
All of the sudden, the bar is instantly *filled* with ducks, ducks everywhere.
"What's with this?!" the first guy asked. "I asked for a million bucks!"
"Oh yeah?" the second guy chimed in. "Do you think I wished for a 9-inch *pianist*?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5snsfe/so_a_man_is_at_a_bar/
%
I didn't trip

I was testing the floors reflexes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5snrrs/i_didnt_trip/
%
"What's the difference between an Al-Qaeda base and a Pakistani school?"

"I don't know man, I just fly the drone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5snr8v/whats_the_difference_between_an_alqaeda_base_and/
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Is this subreddit a vaccum?

because all the jokes suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5snovp/is_this_subreddit_a_vaccum/
%
Police stop old man.

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5snoku/police_stop_old_man/
%
Rest In Peace, American Education

Coming to an end in DeVos't way imaginable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sno7f/rest_in_peace_american_education/
%
I've been seeing this girl for a while, but I had to drop her

Someone stole my pair of binoculars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sno7a/ive_been_seeing_this_girl_for_a_while_but_i_had/
%
A smart scientist amd a blonde girl sit down on a plane.

A very smart man boards a plane and sits down.
A blond girl sits next to him.
He is bored so he says to her
"Let's play a game, I give you a riddle if you cannot find the answer you pay me 5 dollars. If you answer it though you give me a riddle and I don't answer it I'll give you 300$"
She says "OK, I'll go first."
"What goes up a hill on 1 leg and goes down on 2?"
He thinks about it for a while but after about 10 minutes can't find a answer so he Google's it.
Nothing.
He calls scientists and several well educated people. They have no clue.
He, a man of his word gives the 300 dollars to her.
He asks for the answer she shrugs and hands him 5$

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5snnvb/a_smart_scientist_amd_a_blonde_girl_sit_down_on_a/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5snlce/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
What is 10 blocks long and never had sex?

The line for the Nintendo Switch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sni5d/what_is_10_blocks_long_and_never_had_sex/
%
Trump being elected is proof that we never developed time travel.

Today I know why we never developed time travel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5snh68/trump_being_elected_is_proof_that_we_never/
%
Home is where your friends are

So I'm homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5snarr/home_is_where_your_friends_are/
%
A man asks the doctor

"Can I take a bath with diarrhea?"
Doctor:"If you could fill the bathtub with it, why not?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sna4c/a_man_asks_the_doctor/
%
Why can't you starve in a desert?

Because of all the sand which is there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sn9uk/why_cant_you_starve_in_a_desert/
%
I can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn".

Stupid firemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sn4t1/i_cant_stand_those_stupid_people_who_knock_on/
%
Girls used to call me ugly until they saw my wallet.

Now they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5smzoh/girls_used_to_call_me_ugly_until_they_saw_my/
%
There are 10 types of programmers:

Those who understand binary and those who don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5smzgk/there_are_10_types_of_programmers/
%
I'm glad that DeVos was confirmed as education secretary.

Now I don't have to worry about my grandkids being able to read some of my dumbest Facebook posts... or anything else, for that matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5smxcc/im_glad_that_devos_was_confirmed_as_education/
%
My girlfriend is breaking up with me because of my vegan diet...

By the way, have I mentioned I'm a vegan?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5smu0h/my_girlfriend_is_breaking_up_with_me_because_of/
%
I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday...

But all the little shit did was sit in his wheelchair and cry.
PS:Not sure if this one has been on here before or not, a friend told it to me and I thought it should go here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5smt3u/i_bought_my_son_a_trampoline_for_his_birthday/
%
I don't see why Obama gave all his speeches behind bulletproof glass..

I know he's black and all but I doubt he'd actually shoot anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5smrd6/i_dont_see_why_obama_gave_all_his_speeches_behind/
%
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe dammit, BREATHE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5smpps/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
%
What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5smo8v/what_do_you_call_a_blind_dinosaur/
%
The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5smnqp/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walked_into_a/
%
What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5smnh4/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/
%
As an American, you know what really grinds my gears?

Not having German Engineering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5smnf6/as_an_american_you_know_what_really_grinds_my/
%
I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it

Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"
but it didnt fly.
Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5smn9o/i_saw_a_mosquito_flying_over_my_head_and_i_caught/
%
Trump's presidency is historic...

He's the first president to ever be more concerned about personal insecurity than he is about national security.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5smfef/trumps_presidency_is_historic/
%
A, C, and E walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve minors."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5smabd/a_c_and_e_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A photon walks into a hotel with his luggage...

The bellhop asks, "sir, do you need help with your bags?"
The photon responds, "that's alright, I'm traveling light!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sm99s/a_photon_walks_into_a_hotel_with_his_luggage/
%
'Knock knock'

'Who's there'
'Okay Google'
'Okay Google, who?'
'Sorry I didn't catch that'
'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?'
'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sm8r4/knock_knock/
%
What do you call a Communist sniper?

A Marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sm6hr/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
How many millennials does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Shit's already mad lit, fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sm3c1/how_many_millennials_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A concerned husband goes to his priest...

"Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter."
Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, "I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here."
The priest then heads to their home and sits down with the wife and has a long discussion. He then comes back to talk to the husband.
"I've spoken with your wife for over 45 minutes about this", the priest said.
The husband looks intently at the priest, "Yeah, what should I do?"
The priest calmly says "you should take the poison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sm23m/a_concerned_husband_goes_to_his_priest/
%
We didn't elect Harambe for president

But we still got a gorilla in office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sm18r/we_didnt_elect_harambe_for_president/
%
People claim that in the English language, y can be a vowel

but I think that's just a myth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sm0t0/people_claim_that_in_the_english_language_y_can/
%
Went to the gym today and cheered everyone on for an hour. On the way out the trainer stopped me...

Confused he asked me what I was doing at the gym. So I told him exactly what I was doing:
"Lifting Spirits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5slzij/went_to_the_gym_today_and_cheered_everyone_on_for/
%
Ray the chicken

Ray the Chicken
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'
Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ray.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ray, wake up! You shit the bed!"
Getting OLD just isn’t what they said it would be!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sly1n/ray_the_chicken/
%
Why didn't the Soviet Union join WW2 until 1941?

They were using Stalin-tactics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5slwxg/why_didnt_the_soviet_union_join_ww2_until_1941/
%
Argon walks into a bar.

The bartender says "we don't serve noble gases here."  Argon doesn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5slrnj/argon_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I recently saw a video of a girl sitting on various fruit

To me, that's fucking bananas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5slr37/i_recently_saw_a_video_of_a_girl_sitting_on/
%
How did Jesus feel after the Romans killed him?

He felt pretty cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5slofe/how_did_jesus_feel_after_the_romans_killed_him/
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It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5slnrk/it_was_announced_yesterday_that_the_2020_summer/
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Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

A: "You may have graduated but I've got so many degrees"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5slnhs/q_what_did_the_thermometer_say_to_the_graduated/
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Give a man a jacket...

And he'll be able to leave the house.
Teach a man to jacket, and he'll never leave the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5slls9/give_a_man_a_jacket/
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Gave my friend in a wheelchair 3 hits of molly last night

He's still rollin' this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5slkro/gave_my_friend_in_a_wheelchair_3_hits_of_molly/
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My family and friends always told me I was an 'artistic person'.

Finally got a hearing aid and...
well...
let's just say that was *not* what they were trying to tell me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5slkfz/my_family_and_friends_always_told_me_i_was_an/
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Johnny is on his grandpa's farm in the rabbit enclosure

. The ground is covered in rabbit droppings. Johnny asks, "What are all of the pellets on the floor grandpa?"
His grandpa replies, "Oh those? Those are smart pills. You eat them and you get smarter."
Johnny likes the sound of that so he grabs a large handful of them and shoves them into his mouth, "Yuck! Grandpa, these taste like crap."
His grandpa replies, "You're getting smarter already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sle8w/johnny_is_on_his_grandpas_farm_in_the_rabbit/
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Simple mathematics

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.
One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me.
I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students.
Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sldkc/simple_mathematics/
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Job Interview: Mental Asylum

A newly graduated Psychiatrist goes to an interview at a Mental Asylum....
"So you're interested in coming to work for us here? Tell me what is your experience with mentally deranged people?"
"I've been on Reddit for nearly 6 months now"
"You're hired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5slbyi/job_interview_mental_asylum/
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My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.

I take that as a compliment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5slbvr/my_wife_told_me_that_i_twist_everything_she_says/
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Old School Friend

I called an old school friend and asked what  he was doing now. He replied that he was currently working on:
*Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment*
I was impressed......
On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sl98p/old_school_friend/
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Alternative phrases to "Calm your tits"

* Soothe Your boobs
* De-stress your breasts
* Undo the calamity that is your mammaries
* adjust your bust before it combusts
* Give that chest a rest
* Hakuna your tatas
* Dont have a rack attack
* Bring peace to your bosoms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sl74v/alternative_phrases_to_calm_your_tits/
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I was very naive sexually

My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months
- Hayley Ellis, 2012

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sl6mu/i_was_very_naive_sexually/
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On my way for the latest Porsche presentation..

the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight.
I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911".
Best regards from Guantanamo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sl57m/on_my_way_for_the_latest_porsche_presentation/
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do you understand your right breast is hanging out of your shirt

A blonde was walking down the street. A policeman was walking the opposite way. "Hmmm," he wondered, "It looks as if that lady's right breast is hanging out of her shirt." As he got closer, he realized it was. He approched her. He said, "Ma'am, do you understand your right breast is hanging out of your shirt?" She replied, "Oh shit. I left the baby on the bus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sl3x1/do_you_understand_your_right_breast_is_hanging/
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My wife just got back from her OB/GYN appointments. He told her she cannot have sex 6 weeks.

I said, "That's fine but what did your dentist say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sl2cw/my_wife_just_got_back_from_her_obgyn_appointments/
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I'm going to buy my Dungeon Master a goldfish

So I can carp a DM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sl1gv/im_going_to_buy_my_dungeon_master_a_goldfish/
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I saw my girlfriend shoving a calculator up her vagina.

I said, "What the fuck are you doing? You look like you're in agony."
She said, "It's what's inside that counts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5skybd/i_saw_my_girlfriend_shoving_a_calculator_up_her/
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Good, bad, worse

Good: I slept with my teacher after prom last night.
Bad: I was home schooled.
Worse: by my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5skwg2/good_bad_worse/
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One by one, a class of fifth-graders were called on to make sentences with words chosen by their teacher.

Nick didn't often participate in class, so his teacher was glad when she saw him raise his hand to give it a try.
"Nick," said the teacher, "make a sentence with the words 'defeat,' 'defense,' 'deduct,' and 'detail.'"
Nick thought for a few minutes then smiled. He shouted, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5skvro/one_by_one_a_class_of_fifthgraders_were_called_on/
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Dog in heat

Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sktzn/dog_in_heat/
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A Russian man is driving with his wife and small child.

A militia man pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. "See," the militia man says, "you're drunk." The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk.
Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, "Yes, perhaps it is broken," and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, "See, I told you it wouldn't hurt to give the kid five grams of vodka."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5skqp5/a_russian_man_is_driving_with_his_wife_and_small/
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My Girlfriends asked me why the Body cells go through Meiosis and why her textbook sexualized them.

I replied "Sex Cells."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5skmfh/my_girlfriends_asked_me_why_the_body_cells_go/
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What did Mexican Fozzie Bear say?

"Oaxaca, oaxaca, oaxaca!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sklmd/what_did_mexican_fozzie_bear_say/
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Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil?

Because it's pointless. IT'S POINTLESS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5skkri/why_shouldnt_you_write_with_a_dull_pencil/
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5skkqu/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A guy was playing golf.

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf.
Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.
"I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales," she said.
He replied, "No kidding; so am I."
"What do you sell?" She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.
She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you." c",)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5skk88/a_guy_was_playing_golf/
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I like my women like I like my coffee...

Ground up and in the cupboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5skirx/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ski6z/as_a_german_you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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I introduced my girlfriend to my family

My wife did not like her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5skho5/i_introduced_my_girlfriend_to_my_family/
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Kid #1: I wish I had been born 1,000 years ago. Kid #2: Why is that?

Kid #1: Just think of all the history that we wouldn't have to learn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5skauw/kid_1_i_wish_i_had_been_born_1000_years_ago_kid_2/
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The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sk8om/the_kgb_the_fbi_and_the_cia_are_all_trying_to/
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My dog ran away this morning.

I walked around the neighbourhood looking and calling his name for an hour but still couldn't find him.
My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a couple of tattoos.  Still can't find the fucking dog....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sk4ir/my_dog_ran_away_this_morning/
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Two nuns, Sr Mary and Sr Patricia, are driving down a dark forest road, late at night...

When all of a sudden a vampire jumps out in front of their car. Sr Mary screeches on the brakes and says to Sr Patricia: "Quick! Get out and show it your cross!"
Sr Patricia steps out of the car and yells "Oi! Get off the fucking road you stupid cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sk3wi/two_nuns_sr_mary_and_sr_patricia_are_driving_down/
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The Story of Mike Doe!

Hey, my name’s Mike Doe, and this is my story. I had a friend in college, my freshman roommate, who was always talking about his family. His name was Robert Gooding, and he must’ve had a family tree that started from Adam and Eve. Every single day he would drone on and on about some cousin or uncle or some such. He would always burst into the room saying things like, “Hey Mike! You’ll never guess Uncle Nate and Aunt Ridley are doing in Taiwan for the orphans this week!” I remember him talking about how Dimitri, his mother’s grandfather’s nephew’s son, which is apparently what second cousin once removed means, had resolved a tense hostage situation in Iran. And how cool Auntie Pauline (actually a distant cousin) was for working on top secret stuff with the CIA. I always tried to be patient with him and at least pretended to listen and nod at his stories. They never seemed to be about the same people. Sometimes he’d mention something that was actually funny or interesting too so it wasn’t always bad.
Good old rambling Robert. He picked up that nickname within a couple weeks of starting school--I don’t think he liked it much. He didn’t make many friends because he could never stop talking about his own family. Sometimes I think that I was the only one he could talk to who wouldn’t start running after five minutes. I’m not going to lie though. Back then I endeavored to be out of the room most of the day to avoid his ramblings. However no matter how late I came back, he was always up and ready to tell me something new about his family’s latest adventures.
There was this one time that was different though. On a day close to the end of our first semester together, he suddenly stopped his rambling and stared at me with a really serious expression. The abrupt lack of background noise startled me from the article I was reading while humoring him, and when I saw his face I thought he must have been angry with me for ignoring him. “You know Michael,” he started as I prepared my apology, “I really appreciate that you listen to my stories every day. I know it must be boring and annoying for you, but you listen anyway and I appreciate that. So I want to promise you something. Us Goodings, we don’t forget stuff like this. We take care of our friends. Just you wait, one day me and the whole family will find a way to thank you.” I shuddered at the thought of having to attend a graduation party with his entire family and hear about all their adventures first hand, but at that moment I realized that Robert was actually a pretty good guy.
Our year together came to an end, and the next year I was assigned a different roommate. Rambling Robert still sent me emails to keep me up to date with all his family happenings for a while, but even those stopped when he decided to transfer out to some college in Washington. I completed my degree in criminal psychology and went on to work as a detective for the DEA for a while. I had a great time there busting drug dealers and cleaning up the streets of my hometown, and my mom was so proud to have a real Officer Doe in the family. I was about 45 years old when they promoted me and had me relocated near the Mexican border to work on the drug traffic coming from the cartels. It was there that I finally met one of Robert’s infamous family members, Randall Gooding. He was my new supervisor, and when I showed up on the first day he greeted me like an old friend. He told me that he recognized my name and background from the stories Robert had told him, and he personally requested that I be sent down. I was surprised that Robert even talked about me, we had only known each other for a year, but it was nice to reminisce about the Goodings again. Randall was just as talkative as Robert was, and we hit it off almost immediately. It felt like I was in college again. His nickname around the office was Rambling Randy, which had me chuckling for at least a day. Robert, it turns out, was doing just fine. He was a doctor now somewhere in Texas, and I was happy that my old friend was able to make such a good life for himself.
Work was good for a few years until the cartel activity started to pick up dramatically. Nobody was sure why but we were suddenly inundated with arrests and busts and all kinds of paper work. Even Randy wasn’t as talkative around this time. It was all supposed to come to a head today. Today we were going to do a massive takedown on a processing plant operating just inside the border. Our undercover agent had uncovered it while posing for a different case so Randy and I took the lead while the rest of the office continued monitoring the other operation. We enlisted the FBI and local SWAT teams for help and I thought everything was going to go smoothly until I got kidnapped right out of the parking lot on my way out of the office last night.
From the time they ripped the rucksack bag off of my head till the first rays of daylight, they questioned me. They were careful. All of them had clown masks on, the hard plastic kind that never quite fit the face right. All of them were wearing gloves and carrying weapons--some had guns, some had various wicked modifications of baseball bats and crowbars. The night was rough. They wanted to know how we found out about them, who we were working with, when the operation was going to go down, and a whole host of other questions. I was patient and waited. I gave them no information and suffered a few broken ribs and some teeth for it. While they were questioning me, I took in my surroundings. I knew from the floor plans I had studied for the bust that I was in the processing plant, specifically in one of the raised offices at the end of the building. I could see the entire plant from the large window on the wall in front of me. I guessed that they did not know about our plans yet, so I contented myself to sit tight and wait for the bust to happen at 10AM.
However, it was around 6AM when I heard the sirens blaring in the distance. Maybe they stepped up the schedule when they found out I was kidnapped, I thought. My captors were awake in an instant and took up the preplanned positions we had predicted. One of the guys carrying what looked like an M16 came cursing into the office where I was being held. After cracking me in the face with the butt of the gun, I felt more than heard him raise the muzzle level with the back of my head. Soon I heard an unfamiliar voice yell over a megaphone giving the normal spiel about being surrounded and to give up. Of course they refused to give up and began to use me as a bargaining chip. Randy’s voice came over the megaphone just before the first officer continued the negotiation, “Mikey! Just wait Mikey! Hang tight and don’t do anything stupid.”
The standoff lasted for hours. If it weren’t for the gun pressed on the nape of my neck, I would have probably passed out from boredom. Eventually things got real quiet. My guard started getting antsy and walked out--probably to check for new orders with his superiors. As soon as he left the room, a hundred glass windows shattered breaking the silence and raining shards of glass down on the main factory floor. White smoke obscured the first floor as tear gas flooded the facility. Shouting and gunfire followed as my captors opened fire. Amid the confusion and smoke I couldn’t tell who was winning. I did hear Randy’s voice at one point yelling orders like, “Dimitri, take the stairs and give Pauline some cover.” None of the officers who were supposed to be with us today were named Dimitri or Pauline. The din began to wither after only a few minutes and unseen officers began yelling, “Clear!” As the smoke dissipated, I expected to see the body armor and face masks of the SWAT teams who were supposed to be part of today’s operation. Instead I saw lots of men and a few women I had never seen before in various uniforms. Some were in army uniforms others were in suits, and there were even a few in civilian clothes. God, did they call the Army and CIA in on this? When Randy saw me, he came running up with one of the suited men who was carrying a bag.
“Mike! Thank God you’re still alive. I’m sorry we made you wait so long, but we had to wait for all the flights to make it before we could move.”
“What? What flights? Randy, what are you talking about?”
“We found out you were kidnapped at about midnight. The team that we were going to use wasn’t trained for hostage situations so I had to improvise. I made some calls around and got as many as I could to come down here. Good thing Nate here happened to have hostage experience. Nobody asked any questions after I brought your name up, we all know you thanks to Robert here.” He motioned at the suited man who was leaning in to assess me.
I frowned at the man and suddenly realized that his bag contained medical supplies. “Robert?” I choked the question out in disbelief. He just gave me a small smile while he continued his work. “You mean to tell me that all of these guys… They’re all your family?”
Robert looked up from where he was examining my jaw with a wry smile, “I told you we don’t forget Mike. All the Goodings come to Doe’s who wait. ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sk2ge/the_story_of_mike_doe/
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A man has been admitted to hospital after shoving 6 toy horses up his arse.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sk2cy/a_man_has_been_admitted_to_hospital_after_shoving/
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What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

HAND EYEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sjyuz/what_is_whitney_houstons_favourite_type_of/
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Banned oranges...

It's 2021 and I went to the supermarket to buy some oranges but couldn't find any. I went to another one but there were no oranges again...
I asked the store manager what's the matter
He said "Trump banned all the Muslims for what some of them did so the new president banned all the oranges for what one of them did".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sjymk/banned_oranges/
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What do you call Batman running out of church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sjvvy/what_do_you_call_batman_running_out_of_church/
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I like my women like I like my jeep

Topless and easy to get into.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sjr7x/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_jeep/
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When I see lovers' names carved into a tree

I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sjn2u/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_into_a_tree/
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How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sjmwc/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Twelve:
One to screw it in.
One to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination.
One to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination.
One to suggest the whole “screwing” bit to be too “rape-like”.
One to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic.
One to blame men for not changing the bulb.
One to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it.
One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs.
One to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs.
One to advocate that light bulb changers should have wage parity with electricians.
One to alert the media that women are now “out-lightbulbing” men.
One to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sjma4/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Why is it always a good idea to wear 'tall pants'?

Because it's a practice of good high-jean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sjm46/why_is_it_always_a_good_idea_to_wear_tall_pants/
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A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!  The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sjkgb/a_flight_attendant_sees_a_suspicious_couple_on/
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My wife recently won the Annual Women's Golf Meet in our district

Needless to say, I have started calling her the "Intercourse Champion of the County "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sjgcu/my_wife_recently_won_the_annual_womens_golf_meet/
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If you're feeling cold, go stand in the corner.

It's 90 degrees there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sjdv4/if_youre_feeling_cold_go_stand_in_the_corner/
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A giant mushroom attempts to enter a bar...

and is stopped by the bouncer. The bouncer says we'll have none of your sort in here tonight. The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sj91p/a_giant_mushroom_attempts_to_enter_a_bar/
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My local ski resort was ripped off last week for around $900.

The robber stole a burger, two beers, and some chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sj537/my_local_ski_resort_was_ripped_off_last_week_for/
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What do you call a smart blonde?

A Golden Retriever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sj262/what_do_you_call_a_smart_blonde/
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Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She will love this pack of playing cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sj1uj/our_anniversary_is_coming_up_so_my_wife_told_me/
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Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns?

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sj123/why_dont_kleptomaniacs_get_puns/
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My friend looked at my pregnant wife and said: "I wonder if it isn't really hot in there, for the baby"

I replied: "It's likely womb-temperature."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5siuhg/my_friend_looked_at_my_pregnant_wife_and_said_i/
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How did Captain Hook die?

He wiped with the wrong hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5situl/how_did_captain_hook_die/
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If foreigners are upset to have had their visas cancelled...

Why don't they just apply for MasterCards instead?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sisvs/if_foreigners_are_upset_to_have_had_their_visas/
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My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she sounded like my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sisc6/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wipe his butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sis0h/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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A Christian man and his children are talking..

Girl: Dad, I have some bad news.
Dad: What?
Girl: I'm a lesbian.
Dad: Okay.
Sister: Dad, I have some bad news too.
Dad: What?
Sister: I'm a lesbian too.
Dad: God, does anyone in this house like boys?
Son: I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5siqip/a_christian_man_and_his_children_are_talking/
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Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sipeb/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_who_died/
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How many Call Of Duty players does it take to change a light bulb?

Both of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sioks/how_many_call_of_duty_players_does_it_take_to/
%
What do you call it when a song is cut off before it ends?

...a clefhanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5siog8/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_song_is_cut_off_before/
%
Did you hear about the neutron that was arrested yesterday?

He wasn't charged tho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5siltk/did_you_hear_about_the_neutron_that_was_arrested/
%
Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US...

Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US, one says "screw this line, I'm going to shoot Trump". He leaves for a while and then comes back to resume his place in line. The other guy says "so, did you do it?" He says "no, the line there was even longer than this one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sijwv/two_refugees_are_waiting_in_line_to_get_into_the/
%
Why was the patient angry at the doctor who wanted his urine sample?

He was taking the piss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5siile/why_was_the_patient_angry_at_the_doctor_who/
%
Guy walks into a Mexican restaurant but he's not that hungry...

And they serve free tortilla chips. He asks for one chip and they give it to him. He swipes his credit card, and nothing happens. The employee looks at him and says, "Dude... it's a chip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5siiho/guy_walks_into_a_mexican_restaurant_but_hes_not/
%
What's a Trump supporter's favorite college?

Electoral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sifjy/whats_a_trump_supporters_favorite_college/
%
My African-American friend hooked up with a girl from Thailand...

It was a real black-Thai affair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sieo7/my_africanamerican_friend_hooked_up_with_a_girl/
%
What do you call a surrealist painter that converts to Islam?

Muhammad Dali

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5si9fx/what_do_you_call_a_surrealist_painter_that/
%
Today I change my major from law to liberal arts.

Psych.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5si615/today_i_change_my_major_from_law_to_liberal_arts/
%
Talking street

A man walks up to a street.
The street says to the man:
"Hey!"
The jumps in surprise as the street shouts at him once more.
The man is puzzled.
"Excuse me?" The man said.
"I'm a talking street! I tell you when a car is coming!"
"That's convenient," The man replied.
The road told the man that there where no cars coming.
The man crossed the street.
The man began crossing back to the side in which he came from.
"What are you doing?" Asked the street.
"Double-Crossing you!" The man laughed.
The man promptly got hit by a semi truck.
The Road replied with: "I'm not letting you walk all over me like that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shzp8/talking_street/
%
How do young bees get to school?

Why, the school buzz, of course!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shxqu/how_do_young_bees_get_to_school/
%
Did you hear about the weird physicist?

He's a lovely guy but he's got some strange quarks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shvl1/did_you_hear_about_the_weird_physicist/
%
"What time does the library open?" The man on the phone asks.

"Nine AM," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine AM?" The man said in a disappointed voice.
"No not till nine!" The librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine?"
"Who said I wanted to get in? I want to get out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shub3/what_time_does_the_library_open_the_man_on_the/
%
Tired of people complaining about Ukrainian body's of water that Russia is occupying

Crimea river.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shrct/tired_of_people_complaining_about_ukrainian_bodys/
%
A man walks into a bar with a suitcase..

..and orders a drink. Bored, he opens his suitcase and takes out a piano and sets it on the table. Then he reaches back into the suitcase and takes out a tiny man in a tuxedo. The tiny man immediately starts playing the piano.
The bartender is impressed. He says, " Wow! Thats amazing! Where did you get that?" .
The man explains that he found a Jinni's lamp in the sand and when he rubbed it, a Jinni emerged and promised to fulfill one wish.
Surprised, the bartender asked, " Do you still have the lamp? Can i give it a try?"
"Sure", says the man and reaches out to his suitcase and pulls out a beautiful golden copper lamp.
The bartender takes the lamp and rubs it. Sure enough, a Jinni appears and grants the bartender one wish.
The bartender says, " Umm.. i wanna be rich..i want a million bucks!" . POOF!! Suddenly the bar is filled with ducks. A MILLION ducks.
"Heyy!!" , exclaims the bartender, " I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!! Is your Jinni hard of hearing or something?!"
To which the man says , " You dont really think i wished for a 12 inch pianist, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shqr0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_suitcase/
%
What did the leader of Russia say when someone knocked on the bathroom door?

Leave me alone Im Putin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shqqu/what_did_the_leader_of_russia_say_when_someone/
%
Why do we evacuate women before the men in an emergency?

So we can assess the situation properly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shpxx/why_do_we_evacuate_women_before_the_men_in_an/
%
Someone was handing out certificates for a free Karate Lesson at the mall yesterday

He told me I could only Taek Won Do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shpne/someone_was_handing_out_certificates_for_a_free/
%
The Patriots are true gentlemen.

They let the Falcons finish their game before they started theirs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shpla/the_patriots_are_true_gentlemen/
%
THE BIG CRASH

It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.
They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his cell phone and they say they will be there within 20 minutes.
It’s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who then puts it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink?” the doctor says.
“AFTER the police get here.” replies the lawyer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shpe0/the_big_crash/
%
A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library."

The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shpci/a_blonde_walks_into_a_library_and_says_to_the/
%
What's the difference between a pizza and an art degree?

A pizza doesn't deliver an art degree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shp04/whats_the_difference_between_a_pizza_and_an_art/
%
I hate to be a bad loser

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the Huron River Breast Stroke Championships. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shldr/i_hate_to_be_a_bad_loser/
%
I am terrified of elevators,

I'm gonna start taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shhca/i_am_terrified_of_elevators/
%
I jokingly told my friend I was gay...

He's been fucking me in the ass for 3 months now and hasn't figured out the truth yet. Haha, I can't wait to see the look on his face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shgam/i_jokingly_told_my_friend_i_was_gay/
%
and God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of world...

...then God made the Earth round..and he laughed and laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5she7v/and_god_promised_men_that_good_and_obedient_wives/
%
My wife found out that our dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear,

My wife  found out that our dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear,
so she took it to the vet.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from
recurring, she should go to the pharmacy
and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's
ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under
your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion
for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know,
I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shct0/my_wife_found_out_that_our_dog_a_schnauzer_could/
%
The problem with Bill Clinton

Is that he never learned harass was one word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5shaqj/the_problem_with_bill_clinton/
%
What do you call a substance that makes people attracted to both genders?

A bi-product!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sh9un/what_do_you_call_a_substance_that_makes_people/
%
Australians don't have sex

Australians mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sh9n3/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
A Cardinal walks into the Pope's office...

... and he says, "Your Eminence, I have some good news and some bad news."
The Pope, of course, is an optimistic fellow, so he says, "I'll have the good news first."
The Cardinal tells him, "It seems that Jesus Christ has returned. He's on the phone and he wants to speak to you."
The Pope, of course, is elated.  He says, "There can be no bad news on a day like this, but go ahead: what's the bad news?"
And the Cardinal tells him, "He's calling from Salt Lake City."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sh80f/a_cardinal_walks_into_the_popes_office/
%
Where is the safest place to be on a capsizing ship? (Worst joke ever)

The Galley!
Everything but the kitchen sinks.
^(I warned you)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sh7pm/where_is_the_safest_place_to_be_on_a_capsizing/
%
What did the father buffalo say to his son as he left for school?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sh637/what_did_the_father_buffalo_say_to_his_son_as_he/
%
The Farmer's Daughter

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sh4uc/the_farmers_daughter/
%
What file format does Gordon Ramsay take photos in?

FUCKING RAW!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sh2p8/what_file_format_does_gordon_ramsay_take_photos_in/
%
I nearly talked my way out of a speeding fine earlier by telling this Police woman she looked bloody stunning

Then I went and fucked it up by saying, 'And that's not the drink talking either'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sh0um/i_nearly_talked_my_way_out_of_a_speeding_fine/
%
When I went away to college my grandmother gave me a brand new bible.

Well I didn't really want a bible. I needed money but I said thank you all the same and went away to college.
I was having a great time but was burning through money very quickly. I called my grandmother and said "grandma I love it here a college but I'm going to need more cash to stay." She said "have you opened your bible?" Of course I hadn't but I said "of course grandma I pray every night." "Good" she said and hung up the phone.
A couple months later I really was in desperate need of cash. I called my grandma again. "Grandma I have excellent grades and I'm loving college but I will have to drop out if I don't get some money." She said "Are you sure you are READING your bible?" Again I lied and said "of course grandma." "Good" she said and hung up.
I finally ran out of money and had to drop out. I called my grandma and said "Hey! I have to drop out now because you did not send me any money!" She said "you really should read your bible" and hung up the phone. I finally opened the bible and sure enough right on the inside... in my grandmother's handwriting... it said " Fuck you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sgzgm/when_i_went_away_to_college_my_grandmother_gave/
%
What's the correct way to pronounce nihilism?

Doesn't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sgxui/whats_the_correct_way_to_pronounce_nihilism/
%
They say good things come in threes...

Try telling that to someone with
Down Syndrome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sgp98/they_say_good_things_come_in_threes/
%
How do you get a champagne cork back in the bottle?

I don't know, ask a Falcons fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sgosd/how_do_you_get_a_champagne_cork_back_in_the_bottle/
%
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sgn55/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
A new study has revealed that diarrhea is actually based on heredity

They found if runs in your jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sggca/a_new_study_has_revealed_that_diarrhea_is/
%
I'm tired of people talking about how strong ants are.

I can pick up a leaf too, who cares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sggad/im_tired_of_people_talking_about_how_strong_ants/
%
In honor of the Bowling Green Massacre, wear a green ribbon . . .

. . . or, perhaps more appropriately, some color you made up in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sgbw7/in_honor_of_the_bowling_green_massacre_wear_a/
%
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sg42m/why_dont_you_ever_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
%
Why did the penguin break up with the walrus?

Because they were polar opposites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfyn3/why_did_the_penguin_break_up_with_the_walrus/
%
Why did the people living next door to the tennis factory call the cops?

Because they were making a racquet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfxp0/why_did_the_people_living_next_door_to_the_tennis/
%
Why Poop is named Poop

Because when you say it your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when you poop!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfxfb/why_poop_is_named_poop/
%
Stolen car

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....
"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfx4i/stolen_car/
%
Golf balls

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow..?"  :)😨😨😨😨😨😨

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfwt1/golf_balls/
%
I just watched an Imam trying to perform a tracheotomy on a Labrador while free-falling at 10,000 feet...

... I'm not sure extreme vetting for Muslims is such a good idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfwqj/i_just_watched_an_imam_trying_to_perform_a/
%
A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printer was

I replied, "Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfwmc/a_black_guy_in_a_library_asked_me_where_the/
%
Radio Station Contest

A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan... spelt, G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan f$&k yourself!"
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Francis."
DJ: "Francis, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Francis, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfv8d/radio_station_contest/
%
Snow White's Birthday Present

For Snow White’s birthday, the seven dwarves got together and bought her a camera.  When she opened the gift, she was elated.  She spent the whole day taking pictures of everything she could think of—the dwarves, the animals, food she had baked, and so forth.  By the end of the day, she had used up all her film.  So, she took all the rolls of film to the local store to be developed.
She was so anxious to get her pictures back that she showed up right as the store opened in the morning to see if they were done.  When the clerk told her they weren’t finished yet, she broke down and cried uncontrollably.  Not wanting her to feel so badly, the clerk approached her to try to calm her down.  "Don't worry," he told her, "someday your prints will come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfsgl/snow_whites_birthday_present/
%
For the Love of Tractors

So there's this guy who reaaaally loves tractors. He had tractor toys, he read tractor weekly, he has tractor posters on his wall.... the works. He spent all his time consumed with tractors. So naturally, his mother got worried. She convinced him to go to the local bar to try and meet someone.
So he reluctantly goes to the bar and, miraculously, he finds a woman who loves tractors too. (Not as much as him, though because NO-ONE loves tractors as much as this guy). But he meets this girl who loves tractors enough to stimulate him, intellectually.
So fast forward a couple of months and this guy brings his girlfriend to the local field to watch the tractors go by during the sunset. He proposes to her and she says yes. Then they both fall asleep in the field and he has a dream that a tractor was coming to run over him. He wakes and there is a tractor coming towards him! He quickly rolls away but his fiancée gets run over and killed.
He is obviously devastated and swears never to even look at a tractor ever again. So he tears down all his posters and spends all his time in his room, alone and depressed for a few weeks until his mother, again intervenes and gets him to go to the local pub again.
When he arrives, the pub is on fire! He rushes in and takes a deep breath, sucking in all the fire and smoke.
The firemen immediately ask him how he did it.
"I'm an ex-tractor fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfqqo/for_the_love_of_tractors/
%
I bought a copy of the Kama Sutra to spice things up in the bedroom with my girlfriend...

...unfortunately, it wouldn't fit inside her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfpz6/i_bought_a_copy_of_the_kama_sutra_to_spice_things/
%
A Scottish, fedora-wearing art professor complimented his Scandinavian student.

"Nice skies, Finnish lass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfn75/a_scottish_fedorawearing_art_professor/
%
Where do people who praise WiFi go?

The promised LAN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfmfk/where_do_people_who_praise_wifi_go/
%
And God said unto John, "Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sflpl/and_god_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you_shall/
%
What do you call Santa without both his arms?...

***Can't Applause...***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfiaa/what_do_you_call_santa_without_both_his_arms/
%
Queen Elizabeth has been on the Throne for 65 years

That's one hell of a dodgy curry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sffsq/queen_elizabeth_has_been_on_the_throne_for_65/
%
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of kill it.

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfeok/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out/
%
The Patriots are like a giant dick.

Everyone that tries to take them on, ends up choking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sfc63/the_patriots_are_like_a_giant_dick/
%
The Ultimate Computer

stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it. Would anyone like to try?"
Little Johnny quickly stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?"
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the answer appeared on the screen: "Fishing in Florida."
Little Johnny laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question."
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
Little Johnny thought and said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the screen lit up with an answer: "Dead. But your father is still fishing in Florida."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sf98t/the_ultimate_computer/
%
How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sf5ub/how_much_room_is_needed_for_fungi_to_grow/
%
Did you hear Atlanta is getting a new mascot?

Hillary Clinton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sf5m6/did_you_hear_atlanta_is_getting_a_new_mascot/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair...

Deep down I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sf55q/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_stole/
%
To be Frank...

I'd have to change my name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sf3fi/to_be_frank/
%
We used to live on a very busy main road.

But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move in to a house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sf16g/we_used_to_live_on_a_very_busy_main_road/
%
Why did Obama get two terms as President?

Because every black man gets a longer sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sezpd/why_did_obama_get_two_terms_as_president/
%
What's the difference between a ginger and a vegetable?

One's brain dead and the other is good for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sezcb/whats_the_difference_between_a_ginger_and_a/
%
I have 3 heads, 4 legs, 6 hands and 416 fingers, what am I?

A liar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sez7q/i_have_3_heads_4_legs_6_hands_and_416_fingers/
%
This was the most Superbowlly Super Bowl ever

*Super Bowl LI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sewkv/this_was_the_most_superbowlly_super_bowl_ever/
%
What do hobbit homes with no entrances need?

More doors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sevix/what_do_hobbit_homes_with_no_entrances_need/
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"I prefer guys who make small dick jokes about themselves over those who make big dick jokes about themselves."

"Well, I have a medium dick. It can talk to ghosts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sev3s/i_prefer_guys_who_make_small_dick_jokes_about/
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In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ser5q/in_breaking_news_trumps_personal_library_has/
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Looking at you is like looking at Chernobyl

"Why, because I'm radiantly beautiful?"
"No because you're a fucking disaster."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5selwa/looking_at_you_is_like_looking_at_chernobyl/
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What do you call a large dog that meditates?

Aware wolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5segz6/what_do_you_call_a_large_dog_that_meditates/
%
You hear about that failed drug dealer?

He couldn't cut it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5segeg/you_hear_about_that_failed_drug_dealer/
%
I was in a restaurant when...

A man asked 'Who knows CPR?'
And I said, 'I know all the letters of the alphabet!'
And we all laughed,
And laughed,
And laughed,
Except one guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5seg3o/i_was_in_a_restaurant_when/
%
What do you call a gay drive by?

A fruit-rollup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sef91/what_do_you_call_a_gay_drive_by/
%
My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness.

At least thats what the cat told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5see5d/my_wife_is_leaving_me_because_of_my_mental_illness/
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What did you call a Mexican snake?

Hisssspanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sedlr/what_did_you_call_a_mexican_snake/
%
My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it

But he wouldnt tell me
Credits: Anthony Jeselnik

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sec93/my_dad_doesnt_trust_anyone_in_fact_he_has_a/
%
What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of?

Incontinence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sebay/what_medical_condition_are_elderly_bats_most/
%
An old grumpy lady gets in a bus.

She hijacks the speaker and yells :
"All of you that sit on the left side of this bus are assholes ! The ones sitting on the right are sons of bitches !!!"
A man rise and answers :
"Mrs. This is absolutely unacceptable, i'm not an asshole !"
"**THEN GET ON THE OTHER SIDE YOU SON OF A BITCH !**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5se69u/an_old_grumpy_lady_gets_in_a_bus/
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A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.

Knowing his wIfe loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.
He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam!
Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.
Shazam!
Instantly he turned 93 years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5se56e/a_husband_and_wife_in_their_sixties_were_coming/
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I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar...

But they only gave me 3 quarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5se4ah/i_went_to_the_atlanta_falcons_locker_room_to_get/
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Two Scientists Walk Into a Bar

The first scientist says "I'll have some H2O"
The second scientist then proceeds to grab a stool from the bar and throw it at his colleague, realising that the first scientist was trying to murder him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5se3oo/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
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God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"

God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sdxqh/god_said_to_adam_im_going_to_make_you_a_woman/
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Tommy's grandfather

Miss Caroline's 6th grade world history class is taking a unit on WWII. The teacher said that if anyone had veterans from the war in their family, ask them to come to class and speak about their experiences. Some students felt they needed this to be a bit more with their time, so the teacher offered bonus points for whoever wished to get someone to speak.
Tommy ran home that day and phoned his grandfather. He asked him if he would like to come and speak about WWII I'm front of his class. His grandfather agreed and Tommy happily went out the rest of his day. The next class, Tommy's grandfather was in the front of the classroom preparing to speak.
Teacher : Alright class, please welcome Mr.                         Schwartz, who will be speaking about his experiences during WWII.
Grandfather : Thank you miss. Now how many of you would like to hear an action story?
Almost all of the students shot up their hands.
Grandfather : Alrighty then. It was a gloomy day, I was in my airplane with top secret information. I looked around to see almost clear skies. Then I spotted them. Three Fokkers. One behind and on either side.
The class began to giggle and Miss Caroline blushed
Grandfather : Now I kept my cool and did a loop de loop to get behind em. That's when I fired. Bang Bang Bang! The direct hits. One of the Fokkers down, two more to go.
At this the class burst into laughter
Teacher : Now class, Fokker is an airplane manufacturer isn't that right Mr. Schwartz?
Grandfather : Huh? Oh yes that is correct. However, these particular Fokkers were flying Messerschmitts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sdwqz/tommys_grandfather/
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Why is free Wi-Fi never seen in churches?

Because no church wants to be challenged by an invisible power that actually works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sdtm8/why_is_free_wifi_never_seen_in_churches/
%
An English man, Irish man and Scottish man...

Are on a plane and the pilot comes out and issues everyone a challange, "if you can guess where we are by sticking your hand out of the window ill give you 50 grand" the Scottish man quickly jumps up and sticks his hand out of the window "we are in Dundee" he guessed, the pilot shakes his head. Then the Irish man trys "we are in Dublin" he guesses, again the pilot shakes his head, then the English man steps up, "we are in Liverpool" he says, shocked the pilot answers "Yes! Thats right, but how did you know?" The English man replies "because my watch has been stolen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sdrn7/an_english_man_irish_man_and_scottish_man/
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What do you call a cow with Parkinsons?

Beef Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sdmps/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_parkinsons/
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i've got a Liszt of great composer puns that's Haydn in my closet somewhere...

i could look Bach there and read it to you, but i don't think you could Handel it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sdjy6/ive_got_a_liszt_of_great_composer_puns_thats/
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A woman with no arms or legs..

Is crying on a bench at the beach, i approach her "hey honey, whats the matter?" i say, she looks at me tears streaming down her face "ive never had a man hug me" she says, so i sit next to her and giver a her a nice hug she again looks at me still very upset "i have never been kissed by a man" she says. So i lean in and give her a kiss on the lips, looking a little better than before she finally says "i have never been fucked" so i pick her up and wang her in the sea "now youre fucked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sddek/a_woman_with_no_arms_or_legs/
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I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now

We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sd53a/ive_been_talking_to_a_13_year_old_girl_for_about/
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Difference between twins

I've fucked a set of twins. People have asked me how hard it was to tell them apart, but it was actually quite easy. You see, Caroline was a redhead with an amazing pair of tits, And frank had a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sd0he/difference_between_twins/
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How do you make lady Gaga cry?

Poker face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5scrx3/how_do_you_make_lady_gaga_cry/
%
I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5scr7a/i_accidentally_sent_a_dick_pic_to_everyone_in_my/
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Beer is like the sun

Beer is like the Sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sco2u/beer_is_like_the_sun/
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Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Time's up!' "?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sckw5/wise_italian_grandfather/
%
A teacher asked her 6th Grade class how many of them were Trump fans...

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump fans.
Not really knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trump fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Trump?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat."
The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trump fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sciyv/a_teacher_asked_her_6th_grade_class_how_many_of/
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The "American Dream" was discussed in class the other day...

... the professor turned to the German foreign exchange student and asked if they had anything like that in Germany to which he responded,
"We did, but nobody liked it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5scgnm/the_american_dream_was_discussed_in_class_the/
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What's the point of Jewish football?

Getting the quarter back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5scee3/whats_the_point_of_jewish_football/
%
I forgot how to throw a boomerang

but then it came back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5scckt/i_forgot_how_to_throw_a_boomerang/
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What kind of party did the Donners have?

A meat and greet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5scbph/what_kind_of_party_did_the_donners_have/
%
A girl is fucking her boyfriend.

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sca4t/a_girl_is_fucking_her_boyfriend/
%
What does Hillary and the falcons have in common?

They both blew it in the last quarter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sc527/what_does_hillary_and_the_falcons_have_in_common/
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Dark humor is like food,

not everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sby94/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
I got into a fight with my father when I told him Jim Morrison wasn't talented.

He forced me to go to my room. I slammed my door behind me, and my dad said, "Don't you ever slam The Doors in my house again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbv8h/i_got_into_a_fight_with_my_father_when_i_told_him/
%
Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."

Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbuk7/golden_state_warriors_no_one_can_choke_harder/
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I haven't seen a team blow a win this bad...

Since Hitler invaded Russia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbtwa/i_havent_seen_a_team_blow_a_win_this_bad/
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The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly

Sherman marched to the sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbtm3/the_last_time_a_group_of_new_englanders_destroyed/
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Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls.

He's won all 5/7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbt7d/congratulations_to_tom_brady_the_first_player_to/
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My friend keeps saying "Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole full of water"

I know he means well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbrgk/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
%
The Tramp's Holiday

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.
Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."
"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."
"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would you like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.
"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."
"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...
... and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"Okay," agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...
up and up...
below him the ship grew smaller...
on and on...
past a solitary albatross...
and still higher...
till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...
and on still further...
till the ocean grew dim...
and the earth itself...
began to shrink...
past our moon...
and on...
and Mars...
and on...
higher, and higher...
through the asteroid belt...
and on and on towards the diving board...
past the outer planets, until...
on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...
he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...
and then...
he jumped.
Slowly at first,
but speeding up,
faster, and faster,
speeding past Pluto,
and the other outer planets,
through the asteroid belt,
past Mars,
and the moon,
faster,
and faster,
faster - ever faster,
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster,
past the albatross,
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL.........
SMASH!
Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see...
I'm a just poor tramp...
so you must understand...
I've been through many a hard ship in my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbp3d/the_tramps_holiday/
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Which came first? The chicken or the egg?

Chicken, the egg just laid there and took it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbosn/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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Donkey weatherman

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to execute the weatherman at once! He summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see his ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the King hired the donkey on the spot.
And thus began the ancient practice of hiring asses to work in government and occupy its highest and most influential positions..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbn1z/donkey_weatherman/
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The Patriots can still win...

By Electoral College votes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbm12/the_patriots_can_still_win/
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I don't get football....

At the beginning of the game, they flip a quarter to see who kicks off first. Then the rest of the game everybody just keeps trying to "get the quarter back". I mean, it's just a quarter, what's the big deal!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbk4s/i_dont_get_football/
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The fence and the hurricane

There was a hurricane; the aftermath was horrible
There was one man who's only property damage was his fence. So he called the carpenter; and he came over.
Man: "how bad is it?"
Carpenter: "I salvaged some of it but you're going to need to buy some new posts; and I've got other work to attend to so find someone else to do it"
Man: "can you suggest someone?"
Carpenter: "I heard /r/jokes is good at reposting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbjot/the_fence_and_the_hurricane/
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The Rooster

So this farmer has a rooster named Fabio.
The farmer walks out one day and Fabio is humping a duck
The farmer looks over at Fabio and says " Fabio one of these days you are going to screw  yourself to death"
The next day the farm walks out and sees Fabio humping his goat's leg
" Fabio one of these days you are going to screw  yourself to death"
On the 3rd day the farmer walks out to find Fabio humping his horses leg
" Fabio one of these days you are going to screw  yourself to death"
Finally on the 4th day the farmer walks out to see vultures circling in the air. Fabio lay there dead.
The farmer exclaims " I told you that one of these days you were going to screw yourself to death and now look, you've gone an done it"
At that point Fabio pops his head up slightly to look at the farmer and says
"**SHHHH** they are about to land"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbjaz/the_rooster/
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I wonder why dogs get mad when you blow in their faces

but as soon as you put them in a car they stick their head out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbg6z/i_wonder_why_dogs_get_mad_when_you_blow_in_their/
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When you buy a bigger bed...

You have more bed room but less bedroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbdrh/when_you_buy_a_bigger_bed/
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How many black people does it take to start a riot?

Negative 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbclv/how_many_black_people_does_it_take_to_start_a_riot/
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My granddad always did say that we were too reliant on technology...

I replied, "No, you are grandpa." As I unplugged his life support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sbbca/my_granddad_always_did_say_that_we_were_too/
%
A cop threatened to detain me for impersonating a police officer

Apparently, "you can't arrest me, I'm a police officer!" wasn't a very good answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sb9p3/a_cop_threatened_to_detain_me_for_impersonating_a/
%
If you listen in on a butt dial...

Is it called tapping that ass?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sb4k0/if_you_listen_in_on_a_butt_dial/
%
And then the fight started.

A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sb3ke/and_then_the_fight_started/
%
What type of cameras do police officers in the USA like?

Point and Shoot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sb3j3/what_type_of_cameras_do_police_officers_in_the/
%
I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight!

Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sb3f0/i_totally_forgot_the_super_bowl_was_tonight/
%
What's Tom Brady's favorite sexual activity?

Deflatio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sb2y2/whats_tom_bradys_favorite_sexual_activity/
%
I don't believe in conspiracy theories

I think conspiracy theorists are secretly working together to brainwash us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sb13m/i_dont_believe_in_conspiracy_theories/
%
Mom am I handsome?

Son:. Mom, am I handsome?
Mother:. I don't know, ask your girlfriend.
Son: But ,I don't have a girlfriend.
Mother: Then you have your answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sb0vp/mom_am_i_handsome/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates....

Empty cause I am fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sazvz/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too"

He died shortly after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sav5s/two_chemists_go_into_a_bar_the_first_one_says_i/
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I heard this one from my grandpa

There is a white kid an asian kid and a black kid playing together on a playground at school all in the second grade.  The white kid asks if they want to play a game called whose penis is bigger and they all agree.
So the asian kid whips it out, the other kids say "not bad not bad"
Next the white kid whips his out, and they all agree that it's bigger than the asian kids
Finally, the black kid whips his out and the other two kids are in awe at how much bigger his is
So when the black kid gets home his mother asks him how his day went, and he told her about the game he played with his friends and how he won. So he asked her if it was because he was black. The mom looked at him and said "no, it's because your thirteen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sav1t/i_heard_this_one_from_my_grandpa/
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What have an Ostrich, a Pelican, and the tax man got in common?

They can all stick their bills up their arse.
(Credit: Billy Connolly)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sauwk/what_have_an_ostrich_a_pelican_and_the_tax_man/
%
Did you all hear about the sick Chemist?

If they don't Helium or Curium soon they'll have to Barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5saon6/did_you_all_hear_about_the_sick_chemist/
%
Jesus and Moses Sit On A Boat Enjoying Retirement

**JESUS** Hey Moses, do you still, you know..... have it?
**MOSES** Have it?
**JESUS** Ya Ya.... You know.... That "trick" you used to do.
**MOSES** Oh buddy, I've still got it.
Moses moves to the front of the boat, shakes out his hands, claps them together and slowly separates them.  The lake parts and the boat sits between two enormous waves. Moses holds the water with extreme precision for a 10 count, and slams the waves back together.
**JESUS** WOW! Not bad for an old timer.
**MOSES** Well listen there J-Star, I wasn't gonna bring it up, but since you started it, do YOU still have it?
**JESUS** Moses...... I'm Jesus Christ. OF COURSE I still have it.  Fundamentally I have to have it or you can't have it, ya know?
**MOSES** Well the shoreline is only about 50 feet, I suppose you could --
Before Moses can get the rest of his sentence out of his mouth, Jesus sets down his wine, casts off his robe, moves to the front of the boat, and takes his first step out into the water...
*SPLASH* Jesus sinks like a stone.  Not ever having to be much of a swimmer, Jesus flails to the surface of the water and Moses reaches overboard and hauls him back up.
**MOSES** What happened ?!?
**JESUS** Last time I did this, I didn't have holes in my feet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sao8n/jesus_and_moses_sit_on_a_boat_enjoying_retirement/
%
I heard my friend making bird puns and thought...

Toucan play at that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5san0m/i_heard_my_friend_making_bird_puns_and_thought/
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Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired?

They tested positive for coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5samzb/did_you_hear_about_the_pepsi_delivery_drivers_who/
%
What did the trilobite say to his girlfriend while they were eating?

"Can I trilobite of your food?"
P.S. - my eleven year old sister came up with this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5samsk/what_did_the_trilobite_say_to_his_girlfriend/
%
I told myself I would stop drinking

But I'm not about to listen to some retard who talks to himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sam4s/i_told_myself_i_would_stop_drinking/
%
A guy loses an eye on a fishing trip with his friends

As he is laying in the hospital bed surrounded by all his family and friends after the surgery, his best friend rushes in the room and says:
-I have great news!! I just ran into the doctor and he said you're not going to lose your eye!
Everybody in the room turns around and the wounded man asks
-Are you serious?!
-Yeah! The doctor said he's going to put it in a jar with Formaldehyde and you get to keep it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sahr5/a_guy_loses_an_eye_on_a_fishing_trip_with_his/
%
A man gets off work early...

After a long day on the job, a construction worker makes his way home. He is happy to find the bus goes express, and he gets to his apartment building in record time. He walks up the four flights of stairs, thinking about how lucky he is to see his wife and drink a cold beer. He reaches his door but finds it locked. He knocks, and as he leans in he hears his wife moaning, along with the sounds of some guy. Well, he goes red with rage and starts pounding on the door. After a minute his wife opens the door, a blanket wrapped around her naked body. "It's not what you think!" she screams, but he ignores her, pushing past to see if he can find the guy. The apartment is only one room, with a bathroom off to the side, so there's not a lot of places to hide. The husband looks under the bed, peeks into the shower, but can't find the guy. Then he notices the window is open. He runs over, looks out, and sees a guy in his shorts hanging from the window below him. The husband starts yelling, "I'll kill you!", pulling tools off his belt and throwing them at the guy, until the guy suddenly loses his grip and falls. But since the fall is only three stories, when he lands he only breaks his legs. The husband is furious. He looks around for something to throw, and the closest and biggest thing he finds is the fridge. He pulls it to the window and then pushes it out, and it falls right on the guy, killing him instantly. However, in doing this, the husband works himself up so much he has a heart attack and also dies.
The next thing he knows the husband is standing in line at the pearly gates. Saint Peter beckons him forward and asks, "Well my son, how did you die?"
"Well," replies the husband " I came home from a hard day at work and found my wife cheating on me. I was so angry that when I found the guy hanging outside the window I threw things at him until he fell. However, he only broke his legs, and I wasn't satisfied, so instead I grabbed the fridge and pushed it out onto him. But in doing this, I had a heart attack, and here I am."
"Oh boy." Replied Saint Peter "Well, while I'm sad that your wife was not true, it is wrong to kill. I'm afraid you have to go to hell." With that, the husband is ushered off to hell.
Saint Peter looks at the next man in line and beckons him forward. "And how did you die, my son?"
The guy looks perplexed. "It was the strangest thing, sir. I was sitting at home trying to work out, but my apartment is so small I have to be creative and do pull ups outside my window. Well, I was doing this like normal, when all of a sudden a crazy guy starts throwing things at me. I lost my grip and fell, and somehow by God's grace, I didn't die! I started thanking God, but then the guy suddenly pushed out a fridge, and it landed directly on me!"
Saint Peter scratches his head. "I am sorry, son. You lived a good life, and as a reward, you get to go to heaven." And with that, the guy is ushered to heaven.
Saint Peter beckons the next person in line, who walks up. "How did you die, my son?"
The man replies, "Well, picture this: You're hiding in a fridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sag5l/a_man_gets_off_work_early/
%
Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny was arrested?

It's ok; he wasn't charged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5saaos/did_you_hear_that_the_energizer_bunny_was_arrested/
%
Man: I'll take a rum and coke

Bartender: Is pepsi ok?
Man: Yeah, that'll do.
Bartender: *hands him coke and pepsi*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sa7os/man_ill_take_a_rum_and_coke/
%
After a long day Johnny went to bed.

He kissed his wife on the cheek and closed his eyes, now sleeping.
Suddenly he woke up with a quiver and saw a beardy old man with a cowl beside him.
"Who are you and what the hell are you doing in my bedroom?" he screamed.
"We are no longer in your bedroom." "I'm saint peter and you are in heaven, Johnny."
"What? I'm dead? But I'm too young to die!" "If I'm dead, I demand you to take me back!" Said Johnny.
Saint Peter scratched his beard.
"It's not that easy. There's going to be a lot of paper work if we're going to
send anyone back... But sure. You can go back, but only as either a fish or a hen."
Johnny never liked swimming, his only option was the hen, and after all, the though of being one wasn't too bad according to him. If he can find another nice rooster he may as well have a good life.
"I want to be a hen." He said.
As in a blink of an eye Johnny was in a chicken farm, feathered
and neighbouring. Everything seemed fine except he had a
celestial pressure in his ass. He saw the farm rooster running towards him.
"Hey, you must be the new hen. What's up? Asked the farm rooster.
"Hello! I'm fine, but I feel an immense pain in my ass." said Johan.
"That's the ovulation... You've never had an egg, right?"
"Nope, so... how do I do it?"
"Just cackle twice and then squeeze." Said the rooster.
Johnny cackled twice and pinched. Bam, there was the egg
lying on the ground. Wow, though Johnny. This was cool.
He cackled again and pinched, another egg!
The third time he cackled he heard his wife crying, "Wake up
for gods sake, you are shitting down the entire bed!"
**Moral of story: Don't trust anything just cause a hefty rooster
said something.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sa5mz/after_a_long_day_johnny_went_to_bed/
%
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live"

Patient: "What? 10 What? Years? Weeks?!!"
Doctor: "Nine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sa41n/doctor_im_sorry_but_you_suffer_from_a_terminal/
%
A blond and a brunette was watching the news

Showing was a man standing on top of a tall building yelling that he's gona jump.
The brunette looks at the blond and says "I bet you 200 dollars that guy is gona jump"
The blond thinks for a few seconds and takes the bet.
A few seconds later the man jumps off the building and just smashes into the car parked at the bottom of the building.
The blond fondles in her hand bag and hands over the 200dollars.
The next day the Brunette meets up with the blond again and hands her back the money explaining.
"I'm sorry, I can't take your money, I've watched that news story the day before. I knew he was going to jump."
The blond replied : "No keep the money, I also watched it the day before. I just didn't think he'd do it again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sa15l/a_blond_and_a_brunette_was_watching_the_news/
%
Arjun the Indian wife-beater punches his wife every night at 7 PM

On the dot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5sa0jw/arjun_the_indian_wifebeater_punches_his_wife/
%
Why do trans-people go invisible when they have kids?

They become trans-parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s9yr7/why_do_transpeople_go_invisible_when_they_have/
%
How do you pick up an elephant with one hand?

You can't. Elephants don't have hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s9w2t/how_do_you_pick_up_an_elephant_with_one_hand/
%
The chicken was acquitted of murder...

... because there was no evidence of fowl-play.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s9vvp/the_chicken_was_acquitted_of_murder/
%
Your family tree must be a cactus.

Because everyone on it is a prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s9tyq/your_family_tree_must_be_a_cactus/
%
Why will all of the referees check their voicemail immediately after the Super Bowl?

So they can hear someone say "no missed calls"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s9t7q/why_will_all_of_the_referees_check_their/
%
A wise Chinese monk once said, "If the dog barks...

it's not cooked well enough."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s9t13/a_wise_chinese_monk_once_said_if_the_dog_barks/
%
Say, have you heard the joke about the pizza without the sauce?

Well, it goes like- Nevermind, it's too cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s9rlh/say_have_you_heard_the_joke_about_the_pizza/
%
Why was the Energizer Bunny sent to jail?

Domestic battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s9keo/why_was_the_energizer_bunny_sent_to_jail/
%
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.

But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s9jog/steve_jobs_would_have_been_a_better_president/
%
What sound does a 747 make when it lands?

Boeing! Boeing! Boeing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s9he2/what_sound_does_a_747_make_when_it_lands/
%
3 mothers are sitting around having coffee and talking about their children.

The brunette mom says, "I was going through my daughters room the other day and found a bottle of vodka, I can't believe my daughter drinks!"
The red head mom says, " that's  nothing, I was going through my daughters room the other day and found a bag of Marijuana, I can't believe my daughter does drugs!"
The blonde mom says, "I got that beat. I was going through my daughters room the other day and found a box of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s9fda/3_mothers_are_sitting_around_having_coffee_and/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

and a table... and a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s9dyp/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no ideer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s99d1/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
A Man Was Tanned Everywhere Except His Penis....

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his penis. So, he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the penis sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant and she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s991t/a_man_was_tanned_everywhere_except_his_penis/
%
A boy was born without a body...

His mother carried him around when she went out. Ever time she walked to the grocery store they would pass the playground. He saw children laughing and playing and he wanted so badly to be able to join them. Every night he wished for a body to go play with the other children. To his surprise one morning he woke up to find that he could stand, and walk and play, his dream came true! He ran down the stairs and flung the door open and bolted down the road toward the playground. Just as he crossed the road his face beaming, oblivious to the oncoming traffic, a bus tried to swerve and miss him but it was to late. The boy was crushed by the bus from the neck down, only his head remained.
The moral of the story is that in life it is better to stay ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s988g/a_boy_was_born_without_a_body/
%
And God said to man, "I will put obediant women on all corners of the world,"

then laughed as he made the world a ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s96zd/and_god_said_to_man_i_will_put_obediant_women_on/
%
Help me

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm in public. Thanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s96a1/help_me/
%
Why does Trump keep marrying immigrants?

Because no Americans were willing to take the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s9571/why_does_trump_keep_marrying_immigrants/
%
Have a good day

When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day.
Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s93ky/have_a_good_day/
%
My wife complained that our sex life was boring

I replied with "Well honey, if the same thing every three days works for r/jokes, it should be good enough for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s90zo/my_wife_complained_that_our_sex_life_was_boring/
%
My wife and I decided not to have children...

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8xia/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_children/
%
Frank and Ollie go to the beach wearing Speedos...

FRANK: Hey Ollie, you know why we have these new Speedos, right?
OLLIE: No, why? They are tight.
FRANK: To pick up cute girls, they like tight swim shorts on guys like us.
OLLIE: Great! I like cute girls.
FRANK: Here, put this potato in your speedos to pick up the cutest girls. They will go crazy for you when they see that.
OLLIE: Got it, let's split up and meet back here in 30minutes with our cute girls.
(30 minutes later)
OLLIE: Hey Frank, all the girls where pointing and seemed crazy. But they all ran away. I couldn't even talk to them.
FRANK: Ollie, the potato is supposed to go in the front!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8wwt/frank_and_ollie_go_to_the_beach_wearing_speedos/
%
Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8sw8/why_do_riot_police_like_to_get_to_work_early/
%
A bear walks into a bar...

... goes up to the barman and says "I'd like a gin and tonic .............. and a packet of peanuts". The barman says "Sure, but why the big pause?". The bear holds up his hands and says, "These? Hey, I was born with them".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8suz/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If I could travel back in time, I would go to the Inquisition.

I heard the women had nice racks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8rwc/if_i_could_travel_back_in_time_i_would_go_to_the/
%
A man walks into a bar...

He sees a sign that reads, "cheese sandwich: $1.50, chicken sandwich: $2.50, hand job: $10." The man beckons to the sexy waitress and says, "are you the one who does the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
"Well wash your freaking hands," the man says, "I want a cheese sandwich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8qm5/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I don't watch the news anymore

I just lie to my self and cut out the middle man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8pnw/i_dont_watch_the_news_anymore/
%
I'm ordering a chicken and an egg from Amazon

I'll let you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8osm/im_ordering_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon/
%
A farmer went into a local bar...

...and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.'
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses headded: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man.
'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but
today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'What a coincidence!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8n9h/a_farmer_went_into_a_local_bar/
%
Ban pre-shredded cheese.

Make America grate again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8lq1/ban_preshredded_cheese/
%
I saw two names carved in a tree...

I do not think its cute. On the contrary, its alarming how many people take a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8lak/i_saw_two_names_carved_in_a_tree/
%
Conjunctivitis.com

That’s a site for sore eyes
- Tim Vine, 2012

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8kfp/conjunctivitiscom/
%
A man walks into a bar and finds an octopus sitting on a stool...

The bartender tells the man "This octopus is really special. You can give it any instrument and it will play it better than any human ever has."
So the guy needs to test this out. Luckily the bar keeps some instruments on hand for just that purpose. The man grabs a guitar and brings it to the octopus. Sure enough, it plays incredibly, the best guitar-playing the man has ever seen.
The man goes and gets a violin and gives it to the octopus. Again, the octopus plays it amazingly, a virtuoso far beyond anything the man has seen before.
The man has to try one more time. He saw something that surely the octopus would be vexed by -  he grabs a set of bagpipes and brings it to the octopus. The octopus finally seems perplexed, just fiddling around with the bagpipes in confusion. Satisfied, the man says "Ha! I knew you wouldn't be able to play it!"
The octopus looks at him and says "Play it? I was gonna fuck it once I got the pajamas off of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8hao/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_finds_an_octopus/
%
A little boy gets on the bus...

A little boy gets on the bus and stops to talk to the driver.
"Did you know if my mother was a duck and my father was a duck I'd be a baby duck"? Says the boy.
"I don't care" says the bus driver, "You're holding up the line".
The boy replies "well did you know if my mother was a bear and my father was a bear then I would be a baby bear"?
Now angry that the kid has made him late the driver responds "oh yea? Well what would you be if your mother was a whore and your father was drug dealer"?
The little boy looks at him and says "If my mother was a whore and my father was drug dealer then that would make me a bus driver"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8gjc/a_little_boy_gets_on_the_bus/
%
A farmer wanted to buy a new rooster to breed with his chickens...

The farmer's old rooster was getting up there in the years, so he buys a new one.
The old rooster looks at the new rooster and sizes him up. "Look, sonny, I'm willing to hand over the whole henhouse to you, but you gotta prove yourself to be strong and quick. I'm gonna run, and if you can catch me, it's about time for me to retire."
The young rooster thinks it over and agrees to the contest. The old rooster runs fast, but the young rooster runs faster. Just as the young rooster is about to catch up, though -- BANG!
The farmer fired a gun, killing the young rooster. "Damn it, I bought another gay rooster!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8ext/a_farmer_wanted_to_buy_a_new_rooster_to_breed/
%
A Woman Gets On The Bus With Her Baby

The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8dqe/a_woman_gets_on_the_bus_with_her_baby/
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What is a snowflake's school grade based on?

Class precipitation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8asm/what_is_a_snowflakes_school_grade_based_on/
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What kind of dessert makes women gain the most weight?

Wedding Cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s8aom/what_kind_of_dessert_makes_women_gain_the_most/
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I just completed a puzzle in 6 months

despite it saying 4 - 6 years on the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s89g4/i_just_completed_a_puzzle_in_6_months/
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What did the zeros say after the election?

He will not divide us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s88ma/what_did_the_zeros_say_after_the_election/
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I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."

Then I said, "turn Left".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s85k6/i_was_in_a_cab_today_and_the_cab_driver_said_i/
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A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus

The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to suck on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."
An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"
Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s82dq/a_woman_was_trying_to_breastfeed_her_son_in_a_bus/
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I didn't know the Disneyland had moved to the white house ...

Apparently the president is Donald and the vice is Mickey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s81kp/i_didnt_know_the_disneyland_had_moved_to_the/
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At what time was Justin Trudeau eaten by a monster?

Ate P.M.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s80tq/at_what_time_was_justin_trudeau_eaten_by_a_monster/
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What do you call it when you are studying bacteria and someone steals your sample?

Cultural appropriation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7yjm/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_are_studying/
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While I was on the bus, the person standing next to me played the national anthem

While I was sitting on the bus, the person standing next to me played the national anthem,
I stood up and he took my seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7thh/while_i_was_on_the_bus_the_person_standing_next/
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Long ago, there was a cathedral...

The old bell ringer had passed away and the bishop set out a sign announcing that the position was now open for new applicants.  A few weeks go by without  any bites, but one day a man comes in.  The man had a hunched back and no arms, so the bishop was leary of his ability to perform the job, but the Lord teaches love and acceptance of all.  He says to the man, "if you can climb into the tower and ring the bell, the position is yours."
Elated, the armless man runs up the tower stairs, bypassing the rope that one would normally use, but that he was unable to manipulate.  At the top of the stairs, there was ladder to get into the belfry.  Without hesitation, he climbs the ladder using his teeth, and beams as he looks upon the church's bell.  He backs into the corner of the belfry, takes a deep breath, and runs at the bell full speed.  He slams into the bell, it swings and tolls beautifully.   The bishop kept his word and awarded the man the job.
Weeks go by, and all seems right with the world.  The armless man enjoys his new life, but sometimes, he gets a little dizzy tolling the higher hours.  One day, while performing his duty to mark noon, he misses the bell altogether and sails out the far side of the tower.  He falls to his death, and a crowd gathers around the body.  In the general murmur, a voice calls out, "does anyone know this man?"  Another replies...
"No, but his face sure rings a bell!"
With a heavy heart, the bishop places out the sign once more, advertising the open position.  Again, weeks pass without a single taker, until another man arrives.  His resemblance to the previous man is uncanny.  A hunched back, no arms, and nearly identical in appearance.  The bishop is dubious, fearful of a repeat of the recent tragedy, but the man falls to his knees, weeping and pleading, and against his better judgement, the bishop makes him the same offer.  The hunchback climbs into the belfry, backs into the corner, runs and tolls the bell, claiming the job.
To ensure the new ringer's safety, the bishop commissions the installation of bars across the open sides of the tower, and life continues on.  Over the next few years, the hunchback enjoys his life within the cathedral.   He is well cared for, and happy to perform his duty, though the midday ringings do tend to take their toll, and like his predecessor, he misses once in a while, but the bars give him security.  Unfortunately, the bars are not maintained, they rust, and at last, they give.  The armless man tumbles out of the tower and falls to his death.  Once more, a crowd gathers, and again, someone calls out, "does anyone know this man?"  And a voice replies...
"No, but he sure is a dead ringer for his brother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7te9/long_ago_there_was_a_cathedral/
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the flat earth society ...

... has members all around the globe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7t9b/the_flat_earth_society/
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US Representatives are like the dislike button on Youtube comments

They are supposed to be there to represent your dissent and anger, but never actually do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7pzj/us_representatives_are_like_the_dislike_button_on/
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I was sitting in a diner waiting order, when I hear,

"Does anyone know CPR?"
I said, "I know the entire alphabet!"
We all laughed and laughed...except one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7pg5/i_was_sitting_in_a_diner_waiting_order_when_i_hear/
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On his 70th birthday, an old man received a coupon from his wife...

The coupon paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7p52/on_his_70th_birthday_an_old_man_received_a_coupon/
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I love to watch my guests throw up.

So I always put the dartboard on the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7ny0/i_love_to_watch_my_guests_throw_up/
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I walked in to a supermarket today and noticed an attractive woman waving at me...

She said hello and I was rather taken aback because I couldn't place where I knew  her from.
So I asked, "Do you know me?"
To which she replied, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now. my mind traveled back to the only time I have ever been unfaithful to my wife and I said, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into my eyes and said  calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7i7c/i_walked_in_to_a_supermarket_today_and_noticed_an/
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What does the oxygen say to the magma?

I LAVA you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7i3h/what_does_the_oxygen_say_to_the_magma/
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What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7gb6/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_an_insomniac_with_an/
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My boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7g1s/my_boss_asked_me_who_is_the_stupid_one_me_or_him/
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Grammar Nazis no longer exist

Their called the Alt-Write now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7d4s/grammar_nazis_no_longer_exist/
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What does the word "gay" mean?

Asked a boy to his father, to which he replied, "It means happy, son".
"Are you happy the Dad?" Asked the boy
"No son, I have a wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7boe/what_does_the_word_gay_mean/
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I love the way the world rotates

It really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s7a4j/i_love_the_way_the_world_rotates/
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A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s76ii/a_mother_found_her_son_scooping_ice_cream_in_the/
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Would you remarry if I die?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s74fh/would_you_remarry_if_i_die/
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An old couple is sitting in church

The wife turns to the husband and says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do."
"Put new batteries in your hearing aids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s725r/an_old_couple_is_sitting_in_church/
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*A man is trying to prove his innocence in court*

Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body"
Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis"
Judge: "Guilty"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s71q9/a_man_is_trying_to_prove_his_innocence_in_court/
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I was walking home late at night along a dark street. There was a young woman walking a few steps in front of me.

She crossed over to the other side of the road; I crossed over too.
She quickened her pace a little; I quickened my pace too.
She broke into a run; I broke into a run too.
She panicked and began to scream and run hell-for-leather; I panicked and began to scream and run hell-for-leather too.
Whatever it was, I was damned if it was going to catch me first.
P.S. It's an old one, but I doubt the original used semi-colons, so give me that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6zth/i_was_walking_home_late_at_night_along_a_dark/
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My wife said that I don't listen...

...or it was something like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6z91/my_wife_said_that_i_dont_listen/
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Why did the console gamer die in the art gallary?

There was too many frames.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6z55/why_did_the_console_gamer_die_in_the_art_gallary/
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So i was at this bar

And the bar tender yelled "Does anyone know CPR!?" I yelled back "Yeah I do, and I know the rest of the alphabet too!" Everybody in the bar laughed....Except one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6ys0/so_i_was_at_this_bar/
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A cowboy dies and goes to hell, Satan say's he can choose his punishment,

However there is one rule, once you pass on a pushiment, you cannot go back, you must move onto the next one, so the cowboy agree's and satan takes him to the first room, it is a bunch of men standing on their heads, the cowboy takes a look and says "naw ill pass on this one".     so they go to the next one, and its a bunch of people again standing on their heads however this time on hard concerete. once again the cowboy passes, in the third room, he sees a bunch of people standing knee deep in cow shit, smoking and drinking, the cowboy takes a look and says "well hell i lived most of my live smoking and drinking in cow shit, ill take this one.
So the cowboy stands around for about a half hour smoking and drinking when satan walks back into the room and says
"all right boys breaks over **EVERYBODY** back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6y6v/a_cowboy_dies_and_goes_to_hell_satan_says_he_can/
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I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area.

I'm making little things count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6ulj/i_started_teaching_maths_to_midgets_in_my_area/
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Three words to ruin a man's ego...?

Is it in?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6u9f/three_words_to_ruin_a_mans_ego/
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Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6td4/why_did_i_get_divorced/
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I have just watched a documentary on marijuana.

I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6t2c/i_have_just_watched_a_documentary_on_marijuana/
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My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess.

So I gave her to a gorilla for him to throw barrels at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6ofm/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_treat_her_like_a/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

I'd have enough money to buy the rights for this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6o07/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
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It's Albert Einstein, not mine

Few things are Infinite,
The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6l4j/its_albert_einstein_not_mine/
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What does a man with no balls and a small penis

have in common with a joke with a good punchline...
They both make you laugh and you don't see them coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6jk3/what_does_a_man_with_no_balls_and_a_small_penis/
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Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution

A man was driving along one evening and saw a sign that said, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 10 miles."  Thinking is was a little weird, he then comes to another sign, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles."  So when he gets to the place, out of curiosity, he decides to check it out.  He walks up to the door and a nun answers.  He tells her about the signs he saw and she says, "Oh yes, come on in."  Once inside, she instructs him to take the door to the right, go down the hall to the left and Sister Agnes will greet you.  So he does as instructed, going through the door to the right and down the hall to the left and there's Sister Agnes, who says, "Yes, that will be $50 please and just take this door to the right."  He pays his money and takes the door to the right, where he finds himself back out in the parking lot with a big sign that says, "Thank you, you've just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6ipn/sisters_of_mercy_house_of_prostitution/
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It takes many nails to build a crib...

But only one to fill it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6imi/it_takes_many_nails_to_build_a_crib/
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After Noah led the animals onto the ark, it started to rain

After Noah led the animals onto the ark, two by two, it started to rain for 40 days and 40 nights. After the 15th day, with all the animals cooped up together with no designated toilet area, the ark began to smell. So Noah, being a wise old Noah, decided to set up a designated shitting area at the bow of the ark. He then called the animals in for a meeting. He proceeded to tell them about the newly designated shitting area. After the 20th day there was so much shit gathered at the bow that the ark began to tilt, leaving the stern raised making it near impossible to play pool. So, being a wise old Noah, he once again had a plan. With the help of the big animals such as the elephants and rhino's he rolled up all the shit into one huge ball and threw it overboard into the ocean....
325,000 years later Christopher Columbus discovered it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6hr1/after_noah_led_the_animals_onto_the_ark_it/
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What do you call a gay couple in their 80?

Slo-mo sexuals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6guc/what_do_you_call_a_gay_couple_in_their_80/
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One day, Canada will take over the world.

Then we'll all be sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6f3u/one_day_canada_will_take_over_the_world/
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I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6aui/i_got_arrested_for_killing_a_black_man/
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What is Justin Timberlake's Favorite vacation spot in the Ukraine?

Crimea River

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6asf/what_is_justin_timberlakes_favorite_vacation_spot/
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Britain is the best place for foodies.

You loose pounds everytime you eat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s6akz/britain_is_the_best_place_for_foodies/
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I sat next to a smoking-hot thai woman on an aeroplane once...

I thought to myself.... *"please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...."*
And then she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s69vo/i_sat_next_to_a_smokinghot_thai_woman_on_an/
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Two fish are swimming

,
One hits a wall and says dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s67ut/two_fish_are_swimming/
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What's Trump's favorite math operation?

Division.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s67j7/whats_trumps_favorite_math_operation/
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Talk is cheap.

But AM radio still can't turn a profit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s65u9/talk_is_cheap/
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I saw two kids fighting on the play ground.

As the only adult there I had to step in.  They never had a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s65pr/i_saw_two_kids_fighting_on_the_play_ground/
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What did the young casserole say to his mother when she called him down for dinner?

"I can't Ma, I'm stroganoff!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s61w6/what_did_the_young_casserole_say_to_his_mother/
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Nerdy pickup line

Hey baby, are you a compressed file format, because rar.
^^^^^now ^^^^^where ^^^^^did ^^^^^I ^^^^^put ^^^^^the ^^^^^bleach...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5ysc/nerdy_pickup_line/
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Girlfriend: Would you dump me for someone more like a trophy wife?

Me: Honey, I already have someone like that!
Girlfriend: Aww, you're too sweet!
Me: Yeah, you should meet her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5xso/girlfriend_would_you_dump_me_for_someone_more/
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If a feminist makes herself a sandwich..

Is she oppressing herself?
Bring it on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5xhu/if_a_feminist_makes_herself_a_sandwich/
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A woman is cleaning her daughters room when she stumbles upon her diary. She sees an entry that reads: "I lost my virginitty today"

The woman starts crying.
"How can this happen? I've given her everything. Why did she do this to me? She can't be serious about this. She's in 9th grade for gods sake. How does she not know how to spell virginity?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5xfb/a_woman_is_cleaning_her_daughters_room_when_she/
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'Waiter,' said the customer, 'there's a hair in this honey.'

'Ah', replied the waiter, 'it must be from the comb.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5wwh/waiter_said_the_customer_theres_a_hair_in_this/
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Ever since I've installed Adblocker...

for some reason all the local singles lost interest in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5wbr/ever_since_ive_installed_adblocker/
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Z used to be at the front of the alphabet

But as we all know, a threw z.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5sd8/z_used_to_be_at_the_front_of_the_alphabet/
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I know that the placebos is supposed to help with testing pills and medicines if they actually work...

But who's smart-ass idea was it to try it with Birth Control!?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5qxk/i_know_that_the_placebos_is_supposed_to_help_with/
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New Yorkers; don't go on flight 225B tomorrow

*sent from a Galaxy Note 7*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5qd3/new_yorkers_dont_go_on_flight_225b_tomorrow/
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"Hello, is this the anonymous FBI tip line?"

"Yes, Dave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5pqe/hello_is_this_the_anonymous_fbi_tip_line/
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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell, she's holding a hand grenade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5oze/what_do_you_do_if_a_blonde_throws_a_pin_at_you/
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What do you call a skinny tree?

The Real Slim Shady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5ok1/what_do_you_call_a_skinny_tree/
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A guy walked up to me and said...

"I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!" and I said "Relax man, you're two tents!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5nxi/a_guy_walked_up_to_me_and_said/
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100,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5m0p/100000_blondes_meet_in_a_football_stadium_for_a/
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I can never calculate the derivative of a curve.

Every time I try, I go off on a tangent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5jpw/i_can_never_calculate_the_derivative_of_a_curve/
%
Difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana

Tiger Woods has a better driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5j81/difference_between_tiger_woods_and_princess_diana/
%
Two surfer dudes are sitting in church

One turns to the other and says, "DUDE! Did you know God has a name?"
"Dude, NO WAY!!!"
"Yahweh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5h3w/two_surfer_dudes_are_sitting_in_church/
%
The only difference between my dick and a tiny action figure

Is that my dick comes without any warning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5f0y/the_only_difference_between_my_dick_and_a_tiny/
%
I have a feeling Gordon Ramsay likes to wear condoms when he has sex

Because he doesn't like it raw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5egf/i_have_a_feeling_gordon_ramsay_likes_to_wear/
%
A college teacher noticed that his exchange student, Dave, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention.

So, one day he asked Dave about his secret. Dave replied: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Is that you, Dave?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5e4s/a_college_teacher_noticed_that_his_exchange/
%
Ellen should give away more stuff

Then rename her show Ellen the Generous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5e3j/ellen_should_give_away_more_stuff/
%
What do you get if your pour hot water down a rabbit hole?

Hot-Cross bunnies! 😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5cql/what_do_you_get_if_your_pour_hot_water_down_a/
%
Me: Hey dad, tell me a joke!

Dad: Pussy.
Me: I don't get it.
Dad: I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5cc6/me_hey_dad_tell_me_a_joke/
%
What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5adq/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_kittens/
%
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree...

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate and chirped,
“Dear, I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s5a8s/deep_within_a_forest_a_little_turtle_began_to/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithburg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s57xy/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

When the bartender points it out, the pirate replies "Arrrgh, it's been driving me nuts all day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s57ss/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
%
OMG!! I used to be SOOOOOOO popular with the local ladies!!!

THen I got ad-blocker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s55gj/omg_i_used_to_be_sooooooo_popular_with_the_local/
%
Bill Gates Went To A Restaurant And Paid A $2 Tip, The Waiter Remarked: "Your son gave $100, but you're only giving $2?"

Bill Gates: "He's the son of a billionaire, I'm the son of a farmer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s54n5/bill_gates_went_to_a_restaurant_and_paid_a_2_tip/
%
I became a proud dad today.

My son is four, but he acted like a whiny bitch for the first three years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s52v6/i_became_a_proud_dad_today/
%
Did you hear about the play with all the frogs?

It was ribbitting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s51wn/did_you_hear_about_the_play_with_all_the_frogs/
%
What Gun Company Was Created By Cats

Mauser. I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s51vh/what_gun_company_was_created_by_cats/
%
My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s50we/my_wife_told_me_to_go_and_get_some_pills_that/
%
What rhymes with orange.

No it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4zv7/what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
Nobody believes that I can name the Canadian Prime Minister.

It's Trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4ybz/nobody_believes_that_i_can_name_the_canadian/
%
What's an engineer's best form of birth control?

His personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4wwk/whats_an_engineers_best_form_of_birth_control/
%
What's the difference between Taylor Swift and a stale Pepsi?

The stale Pepsi won't write a song about me after I dump it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4won/whats_the_difference_between_taylor_swift_and_a/
%
Two Jewish Men are out for a stroll...

2 Jewish men - Abraham and Jacob - are out for a walk and notice a Catholic church with a sign "We pay $100 when you convert to Catholicism!"
Abraham says: "I'm going to see what being Catholic is all about". He goes inside the church for 20 minutes, and when he returns, Jacob is waiting for him.
"Have you converted?" asks Jacob
"Yes, I am now Catholic" says Abraham
"And did they pay you the $100?"
Abraham replies "What is it with you people and your money?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4voq/two_jewish_men_are_out_for_a_stroll/
%
Alzheimer's isn't bad at all

You get to meet new people every day! :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4vd9/alzheimers_isnt_bad_at_all/
%
I made a political joke up just now...

Given the current temperature of the political climate....
Do you think we can all finally agree on climate change?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4tr4/i_made_a_political_joke_up_just_now/
%
My brother just messaged me "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4sbw/my_brother_just_messaged_me_i_love_my_girlfriend_3/
%
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4oz6/why_do_squirrels_swim_on_their_backs/
%
I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well.

I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4ouf/ive_already_got_a_car_but_i_want_to_have_a/
%
Did you hear about the deaf women getting run over by a train?

Neither did she

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4nxn/did_you_hear_about_the_deaf_women_getting_run/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad I had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4n16/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
I asked my dentist if I can have some of his laughing gas.

He said: "sure, knock yourself out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4l8d/i_asked_my_dentist_if_i_can_have_some_of_his/
%
We need to revolt against the...

outlets. They have all the power!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4hot/we_need_to_revolt_against_the/
%
How does Link from Legend of Zelda always die?

Heart complications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4gsv/how_does_link_from_legend_of_zelda_always_die/
%
Hey girl, do you live in a corn field?

Because I'm stalking you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s4c7x/hey_girl_do_you_live_in_a_corn_field/
%
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict...

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s492e/barbara_walters_did_a_story_on_gender_roles_in/
%
My English teacher said that nothing rhymes with orange.

There was a young man who had nothing,
Until one day he happened upon an orange.
That rhymes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s488e/my_english_teacher_said_that_nothing_rhymes_with/
%
Yo momma so basic...

...she got a pH of 15.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s450l/yo_momma_so_basic/
%
Dreamed I died in an orange sea

Was just a FANTA sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s44mx/dreamed_i_died_in_an_orange_sea/
%
I would like to be poor one day.

Because being poor everyday it's hard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s44iv/i_would_like_to_be_poor_one_day/
%
Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people

And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s3zhs/switzerland_is_a_great_country_with_amazing_views/
%
"I will argue with you about anything. Anything at all."

"No you won't."
"Yeah I will"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s3vst/i_will_argue_with_you_about_anything_anything_at/
%
What do you pay a British saxophonist?

A tenner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s3sq8/what_do_you_pay_a_british_saxophonist/
%
What do hillbillies and yeast have in common?

They're both in bred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s3shl/what_do_hillbillies_and_yeast_have_in_common/
%
A priest, a rabbi and a minister are on an airplane with an interfaith youth group

The plane starts to go down, and they find there are only three parachutes.
"We'll take them and jump," says the minister.
"But the children," cries the rabbi, "we have to save the children!"
The minister snaps, "fuck the children!"
The priest glances back at the terrified kids, thinks a moment, and asks,
"Do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s3s0a/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_minister_are_on_an/
%
A Mexican walked into a bar.

He was renowned for being a bad drunk, but at the same time, he couldn't help getting tipsy once in a while.
He had five shots, and was already losing it. A woman came and sat beside him before he pushed her off the stool and stabbed her right in the chest because 'this senore is smelling of ginger'. He soon realised what he did, and walked out of the shop. Everybody else in the bar was too scared for their lives to call the police.
When he got home, a little less drunk, his wife immediately asked him upon looking at his bloody shirt,
'Again, Jose? I thought we agreed on no more strong alcohols.'
'I'm so sorry, Julia,' he replied. 'I had tequila.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s3ptd/a_mexican_walked_into_a_bar/
%
A crossfitter, a vegan, and a trump supporter walk into a bar

I only know because they told everyone who was there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s3l6s/a_crossfitter_a_vegan_and_a_trump_supporter_walk/
%
We should switch to the hexadecimal number system already.

And I have a good reasons why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s3l40/we_should_switch_to_the_hexadecimal_number_system/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

**One**
Germans are efficient & have no humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s3en8/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Daughters vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s3ehf/daughters_vibrator/
%
I saw two women in a passionate conversation.

"How on earth did *he* get between *them*?" I overheard one of them say.
I said, "I guess the 't' and 'm' made room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s3c1c/i_saw_two_women_in_a_passionate_conversation/
%
A prison decides to renovate its showers

An ageing prison facility is constantly beset by long queues for the shower area, which the managers decide to do something about because having all the prisoners together in one area outside of their cells might get nasty. So they look into the problem, and realise that, although the showers themselves are fast enough, the prisoners actually spend a suspiciously long amount of time drying themselves - causing another possible security threat. The managers then hit on the idea of installing a sort of drying cubicle next to the shower, where each prisoner would enter, be assailed by strong blasts of air from all directions, and be fully dry within half a minute, thus leaving them with no excuse to loiter in the shower.
So they install these drying boxes for the prisoners, and at first they seem to be a great success. However, although the machines worked, they were so powerful that they caused a lot of noise, even from outside of the boxes, and - this is important - the noise could be heard in the managers' offices. So the managers decided to find another solution, and remove the drying machines, because they couldn't do any work with that cacophony happening every evening.
When the technician eventually arrives at the prison to remove the machines, he seems rather reluctant for some reason, but the managers insist he does the deed. However, the moment they are disconnected, there's a massive electricity failure throughout the entire complex, leading to all the prisoners escaping due to lack of electric security systems.
Of course, the managers are outraged, and start shouting at the technician: "What the hell did you do? I told you to remove those damn drying boxes, not let all the inmates escape!"
The technician says, calmly, "I thought you knew what would happen if those drying machines were removed..."
This does nothing to assuage the managers' anger, and they keep demanding an explanation as to why they should have known that there would be a power cut. After several minutes of argument, they finally get one.
"Don't you remember?", says the technician. "The mighty con drier is the powerhouse of the cell..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s3asp/a_prison_decides_to_renovate_its_showers/
%
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children

Fair enough, use an ashtray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s39q5/british_scientists_have_demonstrated_that/
%
When a fly drops 5 inches

A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly, dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.
A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.
A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for it to go for the fish to shoot it.
A mouse sees the cheese sandwich and decides to wait for the hunter to shoot so that the sandwich will fall and he can get it.
A cat sees the mouse and decides to wait for it to go for the sandwich to jump and catch it.
So, the fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes for it, the hunter shoots, the sandwich falls, the mouse goes for it, and the cat jumps, but he misses and goes into the water.
The moral of the story: when the fly drops five inches, the pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s36w6/when_a_fly_drops_5_inches/
%
My doctor used two fingers during my prostate exam...

He said he needed a second opinion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2yze/my_doctor_used_two_fingers_during_my_prostate_exam/
%
A man walks into a bar ...

... and tells the bartender, "*Quick! Give me a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts!*"
The bartender pours the drink, patron downs it, looks around, and repeats, "*Quick! Give me another shot before the trouble starts!*".
This goes on again and again for 9 more shots. Finally the bartender asks, "*When is the trouble going to start?*"
The man says, "*When you find out I don't have any money.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2ykq/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Isis bumper sticker

I'd rather be heading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2vt8/isis_bumper_sticker/
%
I went for a job interview today...

"Describe yourself in one word."
"Indecisive, maybe. I'm not sure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2v1w/i_went_for_a_job_interview_today/
%
Hey I just met you,

And this is crazy,
I have Alzheimer's,
Hey I just met you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2v16/hey_i_just_met_you/
%
Mother: Son, your teacher told me you've been swearing in school

Boy: Mom, do you believe everything that fucking bitch says?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2sj9/mother_son_your_teacher_told_me_youve_been/
%
When I was in college, my roommates would have sex with anything that moved.

I never felt the need to limit myself that much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2rhl/when_i_was_in_college_my_roommates_would_have_sex/
%
What is it called what a man goes down on a woman in a bar?

A pub.lic display of affection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2r40/what_is_it_called_what_a_man_goes_down_on_a_woman/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No ideer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no ideer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2pvs/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
Did you hear about the guy who made an outfit out of super glue?

It was hard to pull off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2m6u/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_made_an_outfit_out/
%
How do you keep an idiot worried for a day?

I'll tell you first thing tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2lub/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_worried_for_a_day/
%
This is my step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2lls/this_is_my_step_ladder/
%
I want to die peacefully in sleep, just like my father.

Not screaming in horror like passengers in his bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2klv/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_sleep_just_like_my/
%
My mother was in a car crash but luckily she was okay...

WAS okay, she's dead now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2kap/my_mother_was_in_a_car_crash_but_luckily_she_was/
%
How do you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?

He's got sesame seed buns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2k13/how_do_you_find_ronald_mcdonald_at_a_nude_beach/
%
A man had his credit card stolen...

However, he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2jn5/a_man_had_his_credit_card_stolen/
%
What do you call a rain of strategy games?

A Tropico storm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2i9y/what_do_you_call_a_rain_of_strategy_games/
%
Violence is the only option.

Unless a mosquito lands on your dick, then it's a hostage situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2emh/violence_is_the_only_option/
%
I write my mistresses' phone numbers on the rear view mirror.

I know my wife would never think to look there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2e3a/i_write_my_mistresses_phone_numbers_on_the_rear/
%
My Ex Girlfriend was getting beaten up at a bus stop by 5 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help....

She didn't stand a chance against the 6 of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2e1k/my_ex_girlfriend_was_getting_beaten_up_at_a_bus/
%
If I had a dollar...

For every time I disappointed my family, I would have enough to make them proud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2d39/if_i_had_a_dollar/
%
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2cnm/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
I let a pasta chef borrow my car

He returned it all denty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2b8r/i_let_a_pasta_chef_borrow_my_car/
%
What's the best thing about dating a feminist?

When you go out for dinner you only have to pay for your half!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2apj/whats_the_best_thing_about_dating_a_feminist/
%
Jesus may have been offended

Elderly couple in church during Easter mass. Wife turns to husband and says, "I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says, "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s2a86/jesus_may_have_been_offended/
%
I'm working on my second Billion dollars.

My first billion didn't work out so I've moved on to my second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s26gi/im_working_on_my_second_billion_dollars/
%
I attempted suicide today

Won't ever do that again, I almost killed myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s25wh/i_attempted_suicide_today/
%
How many contractors does it take to screw in a light blub?

None, it's a union job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s24qb/how_many_contractors_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s23ql/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
%
Fell asleep at a house party last night and someone put a teabag in my mouth, I went fucking mental...

No one treats me like a mug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1wnz/fell_asleep_at_a_house_party_last_night_and/
%
What do Donald Trump's toupee and a thong have in common

They both barely cover an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1t4u/what_do_donald_trumps_toupee_and_a_thong_have_in/
%
The perfect clinic

A man is driving down a road an sees a sign for a clinic that says " we cure all diseases for $500, and if we can't we give you $500" the man is Interested and goes in.
When he's with the doctor he tells him " doctor I can't taste anything" the doctor responds by saying "nurse give this man 2 cups of solution A" the man drinks it and says " this tastes like piss" the doctor replies by saying "that'll be $500" the man angered pays and leaves.
At home the man decides to go again to get his money back. He tells the doctor this time " doctor I can't remember anything" the doctor responds by Saying " nurse give this man 2 cups of solution A" the patient responds by saying " hey that's piss I'm not drinking that again" the doctor says " that'll be $500" the man furious pays and leaves.
The man determined to get his money back returns for a third time and tells the doctor " doctor I'm blind and can't see" the doctor does the usual routine, and the patient drinks it and says he's still blind. The doctor than pulls $5 and says " here's the money" the man replies " this is only five dollars you still owe me $495" to this the doctor replies " that'll be $500"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1nzi/the_perfect_clinic/
%
The European Vacation

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1n6i/the_european_vacation/
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I had an idea for a movie plot.

A retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1m53/i_had_an_idea_for_a_movie_plot/
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How do you create a hipster?

Give a homeless guy an iPhone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1ldn/how_do_you_create_a_hipster/
%
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

...than the men who mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1jf4/a_recent_study_has_found_that_women_who_carry_a/
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A pirate goes to a doctor...

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1jek/a_pirate_goes_to_a_doctor/
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My wife treats me like God,

she ignores me until she wants something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1gh1/my_wife_treats_me_like_god/
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Why do so many blues musicians come from Korea?

Theres a lot of Seoul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1et8/why_do_so_many_blues_musicians_come_from_korea/
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A man sits down next to a lady reading a newspaper by the window on a bus...

He can't help himself and has to fart so he does his best to sneak it out. He glances over and she doesn't seem to notice. Relieved, he decides to attempt light conversation.
"Are you done with that newspaper?" he asked.
She replied "No, but next tree we pass, I'll grab you some leaves".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1dsf/a_man_sits_down_next_to_a_lady_reading_a/
%
How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two
One to screw in the lightbulb and 1 to hold the Cock
Edit2: Ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1dhv/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What's the difference between and out law and an in law?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1cpu/whats_the_difference_between_and_out_law_and_an/
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Why can't t-rex clap their hands?

Because they're all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1cmf/why_cant_trex_clap_their_hands/
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An introvert walks into a bar...

Then immediately walks out because fuck that shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1cgw/an_introvert_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man is waiting for a bus, when he sees a blonde across the street digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing?"
"We're working" the first blonde replies.
"Just the two of you?" He inquires.
"Well" the second blonde chimes in, "there's usually three of us, but the girl that plants the trees called out sick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s1831/a_man_is_waiting_for_a_bus_when_he_sees_a_blonde/
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When in doubt ...

Wife : I doubt my husband has been cheating on me.... I have doubt on one woman we both know.... What to do?
Shrink:  Take your husband to that woman's doorstep and see if his wi-fi connects automatically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s15w3/when_in_doubt/
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and a baby polar bear?

It will be a year before the baby polar bear kills its first seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s13t8/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_a/
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I have a girlfriend but....

"But what?"
"She's in another nation"
"Which one?"
"Imagination"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s12in/i_have_a_girlfriend_but/
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What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s11w8/whats_the_difference_between_3_dicks_and_a_joke/
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Yes, I’ve lost to my computer at chess...

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s102e/yes_ive_lost_to_my_computer_at_chess/
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Why do people never eat clocks?

Because it’s really time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0zl1/why_do_people_never_eat_clocks/
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My son got hold of my autobiography and threw the pages all around the house.

I really need to sort my life out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0zdg/my_son_got_hold_of_my_autobiography_and_threw_the/
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Short gun story

A man walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a colt 45 model 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who is sleeping with my wife!"
A voice yelled from the back of the bar, "You're gonna need more ammo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0z20/short_gun_story/
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My friends asked me to impersonate a lion.

It was a roaring success.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0xn9/my_friends_asked_me_to_impersonate_a_lion/
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A software engineer walks into a bar.

He sits down and sees the bartender yelling at the computer when trying to process a customer's order.
"Why are you yelling at the computer?" the engineer asks.
"Nothing is working! The software on the computer is riddled with bugs!" responds the bartender.
The engineer takes a look at the computer and notices the software it is running was actually written by himself a few years earlier. Immediately, he gets offended.
"Those aren't bugs!" the engineer yelled. "Those are alternative features!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0wl7/a_software_engineer_walks_into_a_bar/
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The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having sex into the early hours of the morning.

I would have asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0w89/the_neighbours_kept_me_up_last_night_because_they/
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0vae/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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Porn is so unrealistic

Just took a shower with my girlfriend.....
And stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0uq4/porn_is_so_unrealistic/
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What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0sqz/whats_the_difference_between_anal_and_oral_sex/
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How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.
One Slytherin to break it.
One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.
Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.
And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0s0r/how_many_wizards_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A blonde walks in on her boyfriend cheating on her

She pulls out a gun and says: I'm done with you!
Boyfriend: Calm down, calm down. We can settle this with words.
The blonde puts the gun to her head
Boyfriend: What do you think you're doing?
Blonde: Don't  worry, you're next.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0pxf/a_blonde_walks_in_on_her_boyfriend_cheating_on_her/
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A day before his 15th birthday

the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, "Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?"
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, "Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball."
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, "If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have."
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
"Father," replied the son, "I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls."
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, "If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have."
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
"Father," said the son to this, "I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls."
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. "A carton of pink ping pong balls?"
"A carton of pink ping pong balls," the boy confirmed.
"I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls," said the father, "but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have." And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
"Dear son," said the father, "I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?"
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. "Please humour me, dear father."
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again. The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday. "Dearest father," the son started, "I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls." One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory. The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
"Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible." It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country. The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
"Father," the son said, "You've made me very happy yet again." That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. "My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?"
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. "Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls."
The father held his son's hand tightly. "Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls."
"Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls."
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
"Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls."
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
"Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls," the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
"I-" the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
"I- I-"
Then he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0p6s/a_day_before_his_15th_birthday/
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Hillary Clinton is getting her own video game.

Left 4 Dead: Benghazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0nmz/hillary_clinton_is_getting_her_own_video_game/
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Why do vegetarians give good head?

Because they’re used to eating nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0n1i/why_do_vegetarians_give_good_head/
%
My roommate claims I'm schizophrenic.

We'll show him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0mcv/my_roommate_claims_im_schizophrenic/
%
An old man is met by his attorney...

...and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent.
"I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task.
The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye.
"I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop" the old man wagered.
The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning.
"Are you all right?" asks the agent.
"No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!" exclaimed the attorney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0lnn/an_old_man_is_met_by_his_attorney/
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How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, it's already lit, fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0l39/how_many_millennials_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Why does the National Football League deserve Tax-Exempt Status even though it generated at least $9 billion in revenue last season?

Because it is just as real as the other religions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0ifh/why_does_the_national_football_league_deserve/
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The most attractive part of Amy Schumer is....

Her Gravitational pull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0i8s/the_most_attractive_part_of_amy_schumer_is/
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If you're a guy applying for a porn agency...

Do you send headshots or headshots?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0hau/if_youre_a_guy_applying_for_a_porn_agency/
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I painted my computer black to make it run faster...

but it just stopped working

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0ghx/i_painted_my_computer_black_to_make_it_run_faster/
%
When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing

How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0eyl/when_i_was_5_i_thought_the_rain_was_god_peeing/
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How does a bass player pick up girls?

He says "Hi I'm a guitarist"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0eg9/how_does_a_bass_player_pick_up_girls/
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Why was Six afraid of Seven

Because Seven was a registered Six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0e3z/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
"Do one thing everyday that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Today, I will fuck a cactus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0deb/do_one_thing_everyday_that_scares_you_eleanor/
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Throwing acid is wrong..

.. in some people's eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0cvt/throwing_acid_is_wrong/
%
What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey?

A new kingdom would be formed known as full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s09vd/what_would_happen_if_hungary_invaded_and/
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I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!

“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s09lq/i_want_to_be_a_millionaire_just_like_my_dad/
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Beyonce has more black people inside her than.

Donald trumps cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s087y/beyonce_has_more_black_people_inside_her_than/
%
What's the difference between a good joke and

a bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s058q/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
%
I wanted to start a business selling premium dildos,

but I think I can't compete with Apple selling overpriced stuff for assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s0460/i_wanted_to_start_a_business_selling_premium/
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Wanna hear a joke about sodium?

Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5s03or/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_sodium/
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Why do the T-Rex often have trouble high-fiving?

Because they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rzyi3/why_do_the_trex_often_have_trouble_highfiving/
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A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project

For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.
"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rzun3/a_college_professor_asks_all_of_his_students_to/
%
After my girlfriend got pregnant,

everything changed.
My address, my job, my phone number...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rzt80/after_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant/
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What language does furniture speak?

Forniture Polish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rzrfo/what_language_does_furniture_speak/
%
bathroom joke

How long a minutes is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rzqgs/bathroom_joke/
%
Why was the hay upset?

Because the straw was about to bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rzq8z/why_was_the_hay_upset/
%
A teenage boy was delivering papers

to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming... that was me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rzq5v/a_teenage_boy_was_delivering_papers/
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My dad was trembling when I told him my brother and I had gotten jobs as valets.

I guess he really didn't like the idea of having parking sons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rzo4a/my_dad_was_trembling_when_i_told_him_my_brother/
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A Woody Joke

What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car
With Wooden Seats
Wooden Tires
And A Wooden Engine?
It Wooden't Start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rznzf/a_woody_joke/
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Not sure who this "OP" person is,

but it seems like every guy on reddit has slept with his mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rzluh/not_sure_who_this_op_person_is/
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What is the worst possible slogan for someone running for president in Germany?

Make Germany great again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rzkl6/what_is_the_worst_possible_slogan_for_someone/
%
"Dad, what made you fall ill in Hawaii?"

"Poi, son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rzjfw/dad_what_made_you_fall_ill_in_hawaii/
%
Measuring device.

The device used to measure people's gullibility is called a Gullibilometer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rzhtl/measuring_device/
%
I spent last night defrosting the fridge

Or "foreplay" as she used to call it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rzft3/i_spent_last_night_defrosting_the_fridge/
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/r/Jokes is like America.

Nothing Pro-Trump will get a popular vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rzbbh/rjokes_is_like_america/
%
When Trump visited the White House before his presidency...

He asked then president Obama how he managed to run two successful terms.
"Simple", Obama replied, "Just get an intelligent wife"
"How do I know my wife is intelligent?" Trump asked.
"Just ask her intelligent questions and if she answers correctly, then you know she is intelligent".  Obama then called Michelle and asked "Darling, your parents have a child, the child is neither your sister nor your brother, who is the child?"
"The child is certainly me", Michelle replied.
"You see!", Obama told Trump, "that is how I know my wife is intelligent."
On return to his home, Trump called Melania and asked her, "Darling, your parents have a child, the child is neither your sister nor your brother, who is the child?". After serious thinking and scratching her head, Melania is unable to get the answer, she tells Trump to give her some time to think. She goes around asking all her friends but she is unable to get the answer. At the washrooms, she meets a cleaner and asks her "Your parents have a child, the child is neither your sister nor your brother, who is the child? "Simple, the cleaner replies, the child is me".
Amused with herself, Melania walks  to the husband and says, "I now know the answer, the child is our cleaner!"
"WRONG!" Trump yells at Melania, "the child is not our cleaner, the child is Michelle Obama!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rza9q/when_trump_visited_the_white_house_before_his/
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I felt a little behind in Middle School

It was a major bummer when the cops found out :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rz6hb/i_felt_a_little_behind_in_middle_school/
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A Freshman Seminar Professor Was Trying To Wow His Students

He told them, "In the English Language, a double negative equals a positive.  For example, I didn't not do it equals I did it.  But no double positive in English equals a negative."
A student in the back shouted, "YEAH, RIGHT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rz4wm/a_freshman_seminar_professor_was_trying_to_wow/
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People say I don't have friends.

They're wrong.
I have 10 seasons on DVD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rz3pu/people_say_i_dont_have_friends/
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What does a car do when a ram is running towards it?

Dodge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ryzdy/what_does_a_car_do_when_a_ram_is_running_towards/
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A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich...

He sits down at a table and orders a meal for him and his bird. After the meal, and the check was delivered, the waitress noticed the man pulled out his wallet and dumped the exact amount of the bill onto the table plus a generous whole number tip. She was surprised but grateful so didn't mention anything.
When him and his bird came in again the next night, he ordered a different meal for him and the ostrich, some drinks and a dessert to share. After the check was delivered the gentleman pulled out his wallet and dumped the exact amount of money to cover the bill and still leave a generous whole number tip. Bewildered, but not wanting to be rude, the waitress again said nothing.
The third night the man came in with his ostrich once more, ordered an appetizer, some more drinks, and two more entrees different than before. The waitress brought over the check again and watched closely as the man pulled open his wallet and dumped the contents out, which as expected before, was the perfect amount.
"How do you do it??" She asked, curiosity getting the best of her.
"Well if you believe me, I once was trapped in the desert close to death when I stumbled upon a magic lamp. The genie inside granted me 3 wishes! My 1st wish was to get out the desert so I'd live. The 2nd was to have a wallet that would always have the exact amount of money that I need..."
The waitress interrupted excitedly: "And your 3rd wish was for a magic ostrich?!"
The man laughed, "No my dear, it was for a chick with long legs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ryyo5/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_ostrich/
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Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects?

Because he's an ex-terminator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ryybb/why_does_arnold_schwarzenegger_kill_insects/
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What the difference between carbon and my ex?

She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ryukj/what_the_difference_between_carbon_and_my_ex/
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People keep telling me I don't have friends.

That's not true, I have all 10 seasons on DVD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rytv7/people_keep_telling_me_i_dont_have_friends/
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When Donald Trump has sex, his female partner is always on top.

Because he can only fuck up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rytk4/when_donald_trump_has_sex_his_female_partner_is/
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How did the dwarf reach the cookies on top of the fridge?

He Imp-provised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ryscz/how_did_the_dwarf_reach_the_cookies_on_top_of_the/
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A police officer called his station back on Radio.

He was at a murder scene where an old woman shot her husband for stepping on just mopped floor.
Dispatch: So was an Arrest made ?
Officer: Not yet.
Dispatch: ?
Officer: The floor is still wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ryo0m/a_police_officer_called_his_station_back_on_radio/
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What's the most popular kind of music in the Czech Republic?

Prague Rock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rymwh/whats_the_most_popular_kind_of_music_in_the_czech/
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I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rym0l/i_recall_my_first_time_with_a_condom_i_was_16_or/
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A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.
Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."
Boss: " So what are you saying....?"
Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ryh6t/a_man_wakes_up_one_morning_to_find_that_hes_grown/
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The Penguin Collector

So, there's this guy. This guy collects penguins. He doesn't collect penguin statues or toys or anything, he collects real, living penguins. Penguins of all sorts, Emperor Penguins, King Penguins, Little Penguins, African Penguins, all the penguins.
Now, these penguins live all over his house. In his bathtub, sink, toilet, fridge, freezer, penguins everywhere. His house is practically bursting with these penguins.
The mans wife is obviously not impressed with the amount of penguins her husband has.
"Honey," she said to him, "You have got to get rid of all these penguins. We have no room to live. We can no longer afford to have nice things, not only do the penguins ruin everything we own, but we can hardly afford to feed the penguins. You have to get rid of them."
"I can't do that!" The man replied. "I love these penguins. They are like family to me!"
"Either they go, or I go!" She stated.
After pondering this ultimatum for a while the man decides that he does, indeed, love his wife more than all his penguins put together. But what to do with all these penguins?
"Why don't you donate them to the County Zoo?" His wife asked.
"Great idea! I'll call them tomorrow."
"Honey, you better call them now. I cannot go one more day with these penguins living here."
The man, saddened by his failed attempt to keep the penguins at least one more day, begrudgingly picks up the phone.
"Hello, County Zoo, how may I help you?" Spoke the cheery voice on the phone.
The man took a deep breath and spoke slowly.
"Hello, I'd like to speak to the person in charge of accepting donations please."
The receptionist on the other end of the line could hear the sadness in his voice.
"I'll connect you right away sir"
The phone was silent for a minute. The man hoped that no one would be connected, that perhaps he could have one last day with the penguins.
"Hello, County Zoo donation office. How may I assist you?"
The man's heart sank "Hello, I have a very large collection of penguins I would like to donate."
"Penguins?"
"Yes, penguins."
"Like, real penguins?"
"Yes, real penguins."
"That's fantastic!!" The donation coordinator exclaimed "We have been trying to get penguins here for a long time! We have an area all set up, but no penguins to live there!"
The man smiled to himself. This person seemed very excited to get these penguins. At least they would be going to a happy home and they wouldn't be too far away so he could go visit.
"My wife says I need to get rid of them today"
"Fantastic! Come on down anytime, we will be waiting!"
It was settled. The many attached his trailer to his truck and started loading up the penguins. After spending an hour counting the penguins to make sure he had them all the man closed the trailer door and stared to drive to the County Zoo. The man got about halfway there and sure enough he got a flat tire.
"Damn it!!" The man thought to himself. "The County Zoo is almost closed, how will I explain to my wife if I come home with all these penguins."
It was at that point that the man saw another truck coming down the road. He flagged the truck down.
"Sir you have to help me! I need to get these penguins to the County Zoo. They are about to close soon and my wife will kill me if I don't take these penguins to the County Zoo today."
"You want me to take these penguins to the County Zoo?" replied the stranger.
"Yes! Please! I'll pay for you to take them to the County Zoo. How about $500. Is that enough for you to take them?"
The stranger took the money.
"Yeah, that should be enough."
So the two men loaded up the strangers truck with all the penguins and off the stranger went.
After a while the man finally got his truck fixed and off he went to the County Zoo. When he got there though the County Zoo was closed. The man started banging on the gate and yelling until a security guard showed up.
"What is your problem?" Scoffed the security guard.
"Please tell me, did my penguins arrive safely, are they all there? May I see them in their new home?" Pleaded the man.
"Penguins? We were excepting some penguins, but we never got them."
"WHAT!?!" The man was furious!! "That jerk stole all my penguins and my $500 was a rude person!!"
"Sorry, sir."
The man needed a way to blow off steam. He decided to drive around for a while before going home to his wife.
After, maybe, 30-40 minutes the man sees the stranger from earlier. There he was. Walking down the street with a row of penguins following him, far as the eye can see.
The man slammed on his breaks.
He hopped out of his car.
He approached the stranger and said,
"Hey! Jerk! How dare you! How dare you steal my $500 and not take the penguins to the County Zoo!"
"Oh." Said the stranger. I already took them to the County Zoo. I had money left over so I was taking them to the movie theatre."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ryd6k/the_penguin_collector/
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What does a pregnancy and alcoholism have in common?

They can both be ended with a twelve step program

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ryc1i/what_does_a_pregnancy_and_alcoholism_have_in/
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You know what really blew people's minds in the '90s?

Kurt Cobain's suicide.
Blew his too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ryb6i/you_know_what_really_blew_peoples_minds_in_the_90s/
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3 logicians walk into a bar

the bartender asks "is everyone having a beer?"
the first logician says "I dont know"
the second logician says "I dont know"
the third logician says "yes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ry304/3_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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What event will Mexico win in the next summer Olympics?

Hurdles, high jump and pole vault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ry2d2/what_event_will_mexico_win_in_the_next_summer/
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Asked my dad what LGBT stands for

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?"
Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".
[True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ry2bt/asked_my_dad_what_lgbt_stands_for/
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If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it...

AlGoreRythyms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ry1x8/if_al_gore_had_his_own_drumming_software_company/
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Scientists have discovered a new gay dinasaour...

The Megasoreass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxzy6/scientists_have_discovered_a_new_gay_dinasaour/
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I watched a porno movie last night...

It was pretty good but the plot had a lot of holes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxypd/i_watched_a_porno_movie_last_night/
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I hit the gym today.

Broke my hand on the entrance doors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxy5x/i_hit_the_gym_today/
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Dunno why people like to associate Comcast with the Nazis

It's not like they're the fascist out there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxvyi/dunno_why_people_like_to_associate_comcast_with/
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Swim Race

A local pool was holding a swim meet for the disabled. There were three contestants, one man had no arms, one man had no legs, and one man was just a disembodied head.
The contestants got up on their blocks and prepared for the race. The starting pistol fired and the three men dove into the water. the man with no arms took the early lead, the man with no legs was gaining ground, and the head sunk straight to the bottom as a trail of bubbles floated to the surface.
The race ended and the man with no legs swam down to save the head. He placed the head on the deck and after a couple of coughs the head turned to the staff and shouted "You Motherfucker, three fucking years I've been learning to swim with my fucking ears and two minutes before the start you put a goddamn swim cap on me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxvr7/swim_race/
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I tried coming up with a joke about mean people.

But they were all just average

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxurw/i_tried_coming_up_with_a_joke_about_mean_people/
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Enough about my weight!!!

“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”
“But honey, what about our child?”
“What child?!”
“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxui3/enough_about_my_weight/
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Trump's New Book

I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was an Arabic bookstore.
The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me. I know I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's Book on his U.S. Immigration policy regarding Muslims and Illegal aliens?”
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay Out!”
I said, “Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxrbx/trumps_new_book/
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A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxntc/a_woman_tells_her_friend_she_is_getting_married/
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I once tried greeting everyone I met by saying "titanic"...

Turns out it wasn't a very good ice breaker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxm5m/i_once_tried_greeting_everyone_i_met_by_saying/
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What did the Jamaican say after winning the barefoot marathon?

"Da trill of victory always betta dan de agony of de feet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxkxk/what_did_the_jamaican_say_after_winning_the/
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What does an Arab guy say when he's happy?

- Yemen!
What does an Arab guy say when something upsets him?
- Oman...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxieb/what_does_an_arab_guy_say_when_hes_happy/
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Someone asked me to validate their parking

So I said, "You did a very good job. I am very proud of you."
^^I'm ^^sorry. ^^I ^^actually ^^said ^^that ^^to ^^someone ^^at ^^work ^^today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxhff/someone_asked_me_to_validate_their_parking/
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Today I went to my meeting of the Premature Ejaculation group

Turns out it is tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxh2n/today_i_went_to_my_meeting_of_the_premature/
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What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxf9x/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
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A bartender walks into a stable

The horse says "Why the wrong place?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxe17/a_bartender_walks_into_a_stable/
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My wife asked me, "Why don't you ever come to yoga class with me??"...

"That's kind of a stretch for me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxdjw/my_wife_asked_me_why_dont_you_ever_come_to_yoga/
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TIL how not to install a fence

Ooops... wrong place for this post

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rxamh/til_how_not_to_install_a_fence/
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I wouldn't piss on Donald Trump if he were on fire.

But for $100,000 a few Russian hookers will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rx9jn/i_wouldnt_piss_on_donald_trump_if_he_were_on_fire/
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What is the difference between a refrigerator and a child?

It isn't a crime to stick your meat in a refrigerator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rx9ej/what_is_the_difference_between_a_refrigerator_and/
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Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you.
First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. That I can tell you. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me. OK? Alright. Thank you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rx663/donald_trump_answers_the_question_what_is_22/
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I Added Paul Walker on Xbox Live

We never really get around to playing games though, he's always just stuck on the dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rx5y4/i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox_live/
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Lost 130lbs & gained a new life. Soon I'll be rolling in pussy!

Girlfriend is gone now, but she left her pregnant cat behind on the bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rx4eg/lost_130lbs_gained_a_new_life_soon_ill_be_rolling/
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Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rx2qm/every_yo_momma_joke_has_been_done_thousands_of/
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What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rx1zs/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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Life as a redditor

I saw a pretty girl. Finally I plucked up the courage, and asked for her number.
She said "got a pen?"
I said yes.
She said "well get back in it you fat fucking pig".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rwzm0/life_as_a_redditor/
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What is red and smells like blue paint

Red paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rwzjd/what_is_red_and_smells_like_blue_paint/
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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey...

"You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't, I said she was fucking Goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rwz4i/mickey_mouse_and_minnie_mouse_were_in_divorce/
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Jesus and Satan are having a furious argument...

Jesus and Satan are having a furious argument as to who is the better computer programmer. They decide to hold a competition and ask God to be the judge. They set themselves up on their computers and begin. They type furiously, likes of code steaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored and God announces that the contest is over.
God asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset and cries 'I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.'
'Very well, then,' says God, 'Let us see if Jesus fared any better.' Jesus entered a command and the screen comes to life in a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pouring forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, 'But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact? How did he do it?'
God chuckles, 'Everybody knows.. Jesus saves.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rwxhl/jesus_and_satan_are_having_a_furious_argument/
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Two friends are hanging out one day,

Jim, and Bob. And Jim has a black eye. Bob asks, "Hey what happened to your eye?"
Jim sighs and explains, "Well, I was in church, and we're all standing, and well, the lady in front of me, her skirt was tucked into her ass-crack! So I reached forward, and pulled her skirt out! She turns around and pops me right in the face!"
So, a week later, these two friends meet up again, and Jim shows up with ANOTHER black eye! Bob says "Dude, did you do it again? You can't just pull a lady's skirt out like that!"
Jim replies, "Nope, nope, so I'm in church again, right? And the same lady is in front of me, and the exact same thing happens! Her skirt was stuck in her ass again! Well, the guy next to me sees it and he pulls her skirt out of her ass-crack!
But I knew she didn't like that. So I tucked it right back in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rwsic/two_friends_are_hanging_out_one_day/
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I was so poor growing up

If I didn't wake up with an erection I had nothing to play with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rwosm/i_was_so_poor_growing_up/
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If I had a dollar every time a baby boomer insulted me...

I could afford a house in the economy they ruined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rwltw/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_a_baby_boomer/
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John owned the local florist shop.

The shop had been in his family for five generations -- and he loved his work. He was a part of people’s lives, from their first prom, to valentines gifts, birthdays, weddings, and even funerals -- he loved his work, and the town loved him. Life for him, his wife Susan, his mom Louis, and their three kids John Jr (JJ), Alexis, and Peter was perfect.
All that changed though when one day, right across the street, a new shop opened: Holy Brothers Holy Flowers. Intrigued, he went over to introduce himself. Turns out two Friars had recently left their order to open a flower store. They were elderly gentleman who had spent decades tending the garden at their Friary, but ultimately wanted to go live in the outside world. John was friendly, and thought to himself “well, I’m sure this town can support two florists,” so we went back to his store and thought nothing more of it.
But as time went on more and more people started going to Holy Flowers. A rumor had gotten started that the flowers were blessed, and that you’d get good luck by going there. Sales dropped for John, money got tight, and he started to accrue debt. Finally, nobody came into his store at all any more.
One day, out of desperation, he went across the street to talk to the friars. He said “guys, I need you to move your store. My family has owned this place for five generations and I’m going to lose it.” The friars told him to fuck off.
He went home and told his wife. Thinking a womans touch might help, she went to talk to the friars. “My family is going to lose our home, please move to the next town over.” She was again told to fuck off.
In a moment of despair, they sent their children to go plead their case. JJ, Alexis, and Peter went to see the Friars. “Please sirs, or parents are losing everything, you have to help us out.” They too were told to fuck off.
Next, John’s mother Louis, a kindly, persuasive, but tough woman went to talk to them. She was told to fuck off.
Sitting in his dusty empty store John contemplated his failings while he killed a bottle of cheap whiskey. His store, his future, he’s lost all of it. Sitting in a stupor, a thought drifted into his mind. He remembered an old family – acquaintance. He picked up the phone and called the man, a huge (probably former felon) guy named Hugh. Nobody knew exactly what Hugh did, but he wasn’t a good guy. John’s dad had done Hugh a favor once so they were in his good graces, but this was a man to be respected and feared.
John explained the situation to Hugh over the phone, who simply said “I’ll deal with it” and hung up the phone.
Two days later Holy Flowers closed. No explanation, no closing sale, the just shut their doors, drove out of town as fast as they could, leaving everything behind. Customers started coming back to John, and he lived happily ever after.
The moral of the story? Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rwlos/john_owned_the_local_florist_shop/
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"I would like to buy some cyanide"

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rwl0q/i_would_like_to_buy_some_cyanide/
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Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl

"Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing bangin' that chick. She looks like she's in highschool" Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rwjtf/watson_walks_in_on_sherlock_having_sex_with_a/
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[NSFW]Two Scottish lasses are walking to school one morning...

...when they come upon a man passed out under a tree after a night out drinking. They approach the burly, bearded man and one girl says " I n'er seen a mans penis before. Let's take a peek!" So, they lift the mans kilt and the other exclaims " It looks like a wee chick sitting in a nest! It needs a cute bow!" She pulls a ribbon from her hair, ties it around the sleeping mans member and they continue on their way.
A spell later the man wakes, stands and begins to stretch when he feels a pinch on his boabie. He lifts his kilt and sees a ribbon tied around himself. After a moment he smiles and says to his-self: "Och, I doont know where ye been but I see ye took first place!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rwhtf/nsfwtwo_scottish_lasses_are_walking_to_school_one/
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Voo-Doo Dick

A man about to go on an extended business trip decided to buy his wife a couple of toys as a surprise. He came home the night before his flight out with a sex toy called Voo-Doo Dick.
"Voo-Doo Dick?" his wife asked. "What is that?"
"You'll see," he smirked. "Just have fun. It's special."
The next night, she decides to try it out. The directions read, "Voo-Doo Dick responds to your every wish! Just say the name twice and then say where you want it to please you. To make it stop, say 'Cid Ood-Oov return,' and Voo-Doo Dick returns to its bed to sleep again."
She took off her clothes. To test it out, she said, "Voo-Doo Dick, Voo-Dick. My neck." Voo-Doo Dick began to vibrate and floated to her neck and gave her the best neck message she ever had.
She said, "Cid Ood-Oov return," and Voo-Doo Dick floated back to its box quietly.
She said, "Voo-Doo Dick, Voo-Doo Dick, my breasts." Voo-Doo Dick once again floated to her and stimulated her nipples until she was turned on more than she had ever been.
After several minutes of that, she said, "Voo-Doo Dick, Voo-Doo Dick... my pussy." Voo-Doo Dick moved down from her breasts and began to fuck her better than she had ever been before. She had orgasm after orgasm until she'd had enough.
But she couldn't remember the safe phrase to call off Voo-Doo Dick. She tried looking for the instructions, but she couldn't find the paper and the constant vibrating and intense orgasms still hitting her wouldn't let her think.
Finally, she decided she had to get medical help. Voo-Doo Dick was still going at it. She clumsily put on a robe, got into her car, and headed toward the hospital to try to get it removed.
She weaved back and forth all over the highway as more orgasms overwhelmed her as she drove. A few miles from the hospital, a highway patrol car pulled her over.
"What in the world is going on with you, lady?" yelled the patrolman when he got to her window. "You must be drunk, weaving all over the road. All you look damn near naked."
She explained what happened and that she was going to the hospital for help.
"I've heard some whoppers in my day, lady, but that's the worst lie I've heard yet."
"But it's true! The Voo-Doo Dick won't stop!"
"Voo-Doo Dick? Voo-Doo Dick my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rwhkm/voodoo_dick/
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Three blondes were driving to Disneyland...

Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. When they were close to the destination they saw a sign: “Disneyland Left”. They stopped, started to cry and finally turned around and drove back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rwhcz/three_blondes_were_driving_to_disneyland/
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My Brother has 2 tickets to the 2017 Super Bowl -- HELP!

My brother has 2 tickets to the upcoming Super Bowl! He was so excited and paid the $3,500 for each ticket as soon as they went on sale. However, he didn't realize that the game would land on the day of his wedding..
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.. It will be at St. Francis Church in Des Moines, Iowa at 3:45 p.m. She is 5 ' 7'' and weighs about 145 pounds. She's a great cook, and will be in the white dress!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rwal7/my_brother_has_2_tickets_to_the_2017_super_bowl/
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What's the difference between calling out to your hispanic friend vs calling out to your Ex?

You shout "Jorge!" when calling to your friend. You shout "Hey Whore!" when calling to your ex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rw9io/whats_the_difference_between_calling_out_to_your/
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Local Hero saves lady from Dog

A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl! He kicks the dog, it dies!
Newspapers report: "Local Hero saves lady from Dog"
Man says I'm not American
Report changed: "Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog"
Man says: Actually I'm Pakistani
Breaking News: "Terrorist killed Innocent Dog which was playing with a girl"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rw9e7/local_hero_saves_lady_from_dog/
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Girlfriend asked me what to do this evening...

My girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do this evening? Should we go out bowling or should we go upstairs and mess around in the bed? I told her that I am NOT going to put my fingers in some dirty hole where hundreds of guys had put their fingers in before me!!! So we went bowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rw5nv/girlfriend_asked_me_what_to_do_this_evening/
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Adolf Hitler has never touched Call of Duty...

...and yet, he still has a better KDR than me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rw5ae/adolf_hitler_has_never_touched_call_of_duty/
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I hate when people ask me if I'm hard at work...

Every time I am, I get written up by the HR lady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rw4qr/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_if_im_hard_at_work/
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Two men are walking by a restaurant

and one of them says, "That smells amazing! Lets get something."
The other man replies, "But they don't let dogs in, what are we going to do with them."
The first man puts on a pair of sunglasses and has his friend do the same and says, "Follow my lead."
He starts to walk into the restaurant and the waiter stops him, "You cannot bring dogs in here sir."
The man gets offended, "Excuse me sir! This is my seeing eye dog, I am blind."
The waiter questions this, "But your dog is a pit bull?"
The man replies, "I know, I am a very important person, I need protection as well."
The first man passes through and the second man begins to walk through when the waiter stops him and asks him the same question. The man replies, "This is my seeing eye dog too."
The waiter replies, "Really? A chihuahua?"
The man freaks out, "What?! They gave me a chihuahua?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rw16w/two_men_are_walking_by_a_restaurant/
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I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea

He said he cant complain.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rvzn7/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_to_live/
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A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?"
The fellow said "No",
She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rvycz/a_man_was_sitting_on_a_blanket_at_the_beach_he/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rvxew/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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Lady buys cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rvqna/lady_buys_cyanide/
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"Aren't you really busy tomorrow?"

"Woah buddy don't assume my agenda"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rvq6l/arent_you_really_busy_tomorrow/
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Why did Donald Trump fail his college math class?

He was uncomfortable with the concept of integration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rvpuj/why_did_donald_trump_fail_his_college_math_class/
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How do you make a pound of fat look sexy?

Put a nipple on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rvoyi/how_do_you_make_a_pound_of_fat_look_sexy/
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If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They would eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rvomb/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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So a guy asked me if I ever dropped my phone in a beer before...

I said "yeah, once in a Blue Moon".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rvlrf/so_a_guy_asked_me_if_i_ever_dropped_my_phone_in_a/
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What do you call a schizophrenic fruit?

Pearanoid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rvhru/what_do_you_call_a_schizophrenic_fruit/
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A girl goes to the doctor...

Putting his stethoscope to the young woman's chest, the doctor said, "Big breaths, dear."
She smiled. "Yup. And I'm not even thixteen yet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rvhji/a_girl_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Trump's Inauguration Speech Was Uploaded onto Pornhub

"Rich White Man Fucks Entire Country"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rvevb/trumps_inauguration_speech_was_uploaded_onto/
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How to cheer up your spouse

A man comes home from a tough day at work and sits down on the couch. His wife comes up to him and asks how his day was.
"It was the worst day this month. Everything went wrong and the boss blamed me for everything, even things that I had nothing to do with".
His wife said "I'm sorry to hear that, let me try to cheer you up".
The husband replied "I don't think that there is anything you can do to make me smile today".
"I think I can make you smile with my right hand".
"Not a chance" was the husband's reply.
"What about if I use both of my hands"?
"Nope, it was a really bad day".
"How about I use both my hands and my mouth"?
"That's not going to do it either".
Finally the wife says "how about I use both of my hands, my mouth and my tongue"?
The husband says "OK, let's see what you've got".
The wife walks up to her husband who is still sitting on the couch, she gets on her knees and sticks her thumbs in her ears, flaps her fingers, sticks out her tongue and goes thppplllt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rvcvx/how_to_cheer_up_your_spouse/
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One day, Pavlov is drinking in a bar.

Then a man enters the bar and rings the bell on top of the door.
Pavlov says "Oh shit,  I forgot to feed the dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rv52v/one_day_pavlov_is_drinking_in_a_bar/
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An old man decided his wife was getting hard of hearing

So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rv4tl/an_old_man_decided_his_wife_was_getting_hard_of/
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You know what's really odd?

Numbers not divisible by two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ruxdm/you_know_whats_really_odd/
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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One turns to the other and asks, "does this taste funny to you?"
The other responds, "no."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rux1s/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
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People say that Steve Jobs died to soon.

But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ruu1e/people_say_that_steve_jobs_died_to_soon/
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Two rednecks decide to go to college...

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example."
"Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still
waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"Fag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rus5p/two_rednecks_decide_to_go_to_college/
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When you say the word poop, your mouth does the same motion as your butt hole.

Same can be said for the phrase "explosive diarrhea".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rus26/when_you_say_the_word_poop_your_mouth_does_the/
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A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ruo4t/a_woman_decided_to_have_a_face_lift_for_her/
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A Horse Walks into a Bar...

He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ruly5/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rulp1/i_love_february_because_it_contains_two_of_my/
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What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?

The drummer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rukoa/what_do_you_call_someone_who_hangs_out_with/
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So, this guy starts a new job

and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a brick."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rukmn/so_this_guy_starts_a_new_job/
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Hitler seems to get a lot of hate these days, but to the man's credit..

he *did* kill Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ruk54/hitler_seems_to_get_a_lot_of_hate_these_days_but/
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The teacher asked little Johnny a question...

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and
another 2 cats, how many cats would you have?
Little Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats would you have?
Little Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?
Little Johnny:  Six.
Teacher:  Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?
Little Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!
Little Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rug4f/the_teacher_asked_little_johnny_a_question/
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What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a folk guitarist?

A rock guitarist can play all night without tuning and folk guitarist can tune all night without playing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rug00/whats_the_difference_between_a_rock_guitarist_and/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, when suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!"

The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
The bartender replies, "It's not me; it's the complimentary peanuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rufrj/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink_when/
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I'm worried about my friend. He was bragging about getting a handjob from his teacher.

I said, "That's disgusting, you're homeschooled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ruf7q/im_worried_about_my_friend_he_was_bragging_about/
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Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race.

Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border.
Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won.
"I told you I would win!" said Ivan.
"You may have won," replied Vlad, "but I beat you to the Finnish line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rucpa/two_russians_vlad_and_ivan_decided_to_have_a_race/
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Invisible...

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ruc7r/invisible/
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Two kids were talking...

Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin
Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!
Kid 1: Lies!
Kid 2: Ask your sister.
Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!
Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ruc7l/two_kids_were_talking/
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Whatever you do always give 100 %.

Unless you are donating blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rubct/whatever_you_do_always_give_100/
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What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?

Mi to sis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ruacq/what_did_the_cell_say_when_his_sister_stepped_on/
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When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ru9y9/when_i_see_a_girl_i_first_look_at_her_hair_then/
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"May I sleep with your sister?" is such an awkward question to ask.

I have no idea how my dad is going to respond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ru7o0/may_i_sleep_with_your_sister_is_such_an_awkward/
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How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs?

He will build alternative fact-tories

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ru77v/how_will_trump_add_yuge_amounts_of_manufacturing/
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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ru638/my_life_completely_changed_after_i_learned_morse/
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A Jewish military man from Israel told me this joke.

Deep in the desert. Mehmet, an Arab fighter (or militant, if you will) chases an Israeli soldier, let's call him Moshe, with an AK47 gun.
Mehmet closes on Moshe and starts firing at him but misses. The chase continues through the desert, there's quite a lot of firing from Mehmet and quite a lot of bullet dodging from Moshe.
At one point Mehmet's gun refuses to fire - Mehmet's out of ammunition.
Moshe hears the clicking of the empty gun, turns triumphantly to Mehmet and says: "Out of bullets, huh? Wanna buy some?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ru2v0/a_jewish_military_man_from_israel_told_me_this/
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A priest asks a custodian to watch the confessional booth while he takes a piss..

While the custodian is quietly waiting, a beautiful, long-legged blonde walks into the booth. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned it has been 1 month since my last confession, and I have given a blowjob!" The janitor isn't sure what the priest would tell her to do so he pops his head out to ask the altar boy "hey, what do you get for a blowjob!?" The altar boy replies "usually a soda and a candy bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ru2v2/a_priest_asks_a_custodian_to_watch_the/
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I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use.

So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ru2mq/i_read_an_article_that_said_its_good_for_your/
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A feminist asked me how I view lesbians...

... apparently in HD wasn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ru2ej/a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbians/
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Why are married women heavier than single women?

When single women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in the fridge, and head for bed. When married women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in bed, and head for the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ru072/why_are_married_women_heavier_than_single_women/
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Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults.

Every kid gets atrophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ru02u/complaint_from_3017_these_childrens_longterm_zero/
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Tried going to the obesity clinic before work today.

But the queue was enormous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtz9i/tried_going_to_the_obesity_clinic_before_work/
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Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on sexual attitudes?

She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had sexual intercourse. He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now.
(Credit, John Cleese c. 1991)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtyvm/have_you_heard_the_old_one_about_a_woman_doing_a/
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The husband asks the wife...

The husband asks the wife:
-Babe which do you like the best, strawberry or banana?
The wife asks him:
-Why are you at the Supermarket?
The husband replys:
No I'm at the pharmacy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtykf/the_husband_asks_the_wife/
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So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning..

Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtxzo/so_i_almost_talked_my_way_out_of_a_speeding/
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One big happy family.

My wife and I got married last summer, we were together since we were teens, she was the only person that wanted to be with me, and she was the only one I wanted to be with, other than my best friend ofcource , he’s the only other one I’d spend my time with, and it helped that my friend and my then girlfriend ( now wife ) got along very well, in fact she hung out with me because she thought my friend was cute initially ( that’s what she said ( no pun intended, or detected ( parenthesis inception ) ) )
Today, I came home early from a business trip, I did not tell my wife about it, I wanted it to be a secret, I did not tell anyone about it. I wanted to surprise her, I wanted her to know that I cared about her and that I will and will always be there for her … the thing is my wife had nightmares about me being unalive and that she’d be a widow and the only person by her side at my funeral was my friend.
I decided go to my best friends house, which a stones throw away from mine first, because I had the strangest gut feeling that he would be with my wife that night… Don’t get me wrong I love them both and I love the fact that they get along, but I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head, and when I went over to his … empty house, I had a moment of clarity. I was not mad, I was not angry, I was not enraged, in fact, it was all a seiner blob of thought. All  those times when he’d as us to have dinner together and I’d be the only one who’d say “no”, all those time my wife said he was a cute…
At this moment, I felt … happy . I was glad , I couldn’t believe myself. I was glad that my best friend cared this deeply about my wife, and I was glad that my wife loved my best friend this much, I was incredebally happy !!  I could now surprise them together in my own bed room !! As I unlocked my house doors, I was careful not to make a sound and wake them up, and as I walked closer to my bed room, I saw two plates in the dining area, and I opened my bed room door as slowly as I could.
I was correct … My best friend was sleeping in the warm embrace of my wife, and it was so … cute, but as I took another step, the floor board creaked and my friend who had a keen ear looked around and saw me. For a moment he did not know what to do, but the very next he jolted towards me; and in the process woke my wife up. When he got close enough, he put his hands on my chest and stared kissing my all over my face, and my wife looked sheepishly at us and fell onto the bed cheekily whilst opening her arms for a hug and said “ I missed you ... “.
I kissed my friend and went over to my wife and said, “ You know, I knew that you’d be with him, and I love the both of you for that”, while hugging her. My best friend joined in on the hug and I decided at that moment that he’d move in with us and would have dinner with us every night. He was now **our** best friend and the good-est boy we have ever known. We were one big happy family...
tl;dr: The devil is in the detail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtvll/one_big_happy_family/
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A farmer buys a young rooster

As soon as it comes home, it screws all the 153 hens...
The farmer is impressed thinking about the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the young energetic rooster again screws all the 153 hens.
The farmer got tensed up now. Next day, he finds the rooster screwing the ducks & the geese and parrot too which scared the hell out of him. Later that day, the farmer finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead & vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says "You deserved it, you Hot little bastard! you deserve this "The rooster opens one eye, points up & says "Ssshhh. Let them land, I've never screwed a vulture in my whole career".....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtvj6/a_farmer_buys_a_young_rooster/
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I just ended a 5 year relationship today.

It's okay. It wasn't my relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtuwr/i_just_ended_a_5_year_relationship_today/
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Jesus Christ goes up to heaven...

He walks up  an old man and says "Excuse me but I'm looking for my father.
The old man says "That's funny! I'm looking for my son!"
Jesus says "Well, actually, my father isn't really my father".
The old man says "That's funny! My son isn't really my son!"
Jesus says "My father was a carpenter".
The old man says "That's funny! I'M  a carpenter!!!"
Jesus throws his arms around the old man and say "Daaaaaad!"
The old many throws his arms around Jesus and says "Pinocchio!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtuwk/jesus_christ_goes_up_to_heaven/
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Retribution

Jim had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Jim to pull over.
When Jim did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Jim, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to Jim's car and cut up its leather seats.
When he turned around, Jim had a slight grin on his face, so the driver said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a bat out of his truck and breaks every window in Jim’s car. When he turns and looks at Jim, he has a smile on his face.
Driver is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all its tires.
Now Jim is laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on Jim’s car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and Jim is laughing so hard he is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked.
Jim replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rttau/retribution/
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A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"
The wife asks, "How does he know you?"
Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."
Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?"
The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time..."
Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rts5x/a_wife_treats_her_husband_by_taking_him_to_a/
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I couldn't be happier! For the first time in my life a girl told me she loves me.

Aren't moms great?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtre4/i_couldnt_be_happier_for_the_first_time_in_my/
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The Raise!!

Sam walks into his boss’s office and says “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling, the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way,” asks the boss, “Which three companies are after you?”
“The electric company, water company, and the phone company!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtr29/the_raise/
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It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as “they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear”....

….but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtnfg/it_confuses_me_why_people_feel_comfortable_with/
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I'm so embarrassed, I got caught getting a blow job by my mum last week..

The worst thing is it was my dad who caught us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtmhq/im_so_embarrassed_i_got_caught_getting_a_blow_job/
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The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtl6q/the_trump_family_is_flying_from_new_york_to_dc/
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I like my jokes how I like my laundry

Dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtcif/i_like_my_jokes_how_i_like_my_laundry/
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Vegetable rationing

Some supermarkets are rationing lettuce, I think this is just the tip of the iceberg...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rtc26/vegetable_rationing/
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At the watering hole, an elephant suddenly picked up a tortoise and flung it as far away as he could.

A lion asked, "Why'd you do that?" The elephant said, "That's the same one that bit me on the trunk 17 years ago last week." The lion said, "Wow. Amazing memory." The elephant said, "Sure. Turtle recall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rt7oj/at_the_watering_hole_an_elephant_suddenly_picked/
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I had a problem with my computer yesterday...

So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rt6nr/i_had_a_problem_with_my_computer_yesterday/
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What does Scrabble and a circle jerk have in common?

It's a great way for a family to come together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rt5vb/what_does_scrabble_and_a_circle_jerk_have_in/
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Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol

...It's the damnedest thing. After 12 or 13 beers, I throw up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rt4uu/turns_out_im_allergic_to_alcohol/
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Preston: Knock Knock!

Mom: Who's There
Preston: Preston.
Mom: Preston who?
Preston let out a disheartening sigh as he walked away from the door, knowing his mother's Alzheimer's was getting worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rt07c/preston_knock_knock/
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Not quite what she was expecting...

Guy: I work with animals every day!
Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-
Guy: I'm a butcher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rswtw/not_quite_what_she_was_expecting/
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A John Picks up a Hooker..

A John picks up a hooker. They're on their way to the motel when she just can't stop talking about how awesome her pussy is. They get to the room. She takes off her clothes. She says to the guy, "Put a finger in." He does. "Put two fingers in." He does. "Put four fingers in." He does. "Put your hand in." He does. "Put your other hand in." He does. "Now, clap." He says " I can't." She says, "Tight, isn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsu3w/a_john_picks_up_a_hooker/
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Older couple

An older couple is spending time up in the bedroom before turning in for the night. Hubby's reading the paper while his wife is checking herself out in the mirror. Every few minutes, she lets out with a little- "Ooooh!" and "Awww!"
Finally, the husband can't concentrate and puts the paper down.
"Whaaaat? What the hell is going on with you over there?"
"Tsk... it's just that every time I look in the mirror lately, all I see is that I'm getting older and fatter and uglier every day!", she says, pouting. "I could really use a compliment right now."
The husband looks her up and down and says- "Well, there's absolutely nothing wrong with your eyesight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rstg3/older_couple/
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A joke for Donald Trump - what do you get when you cross Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles?

Killed in a tunnel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsro8/a_joke_for_donald_trump_what_do_you_get_when_you/
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A priest was driving along...

... and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsrfq/a_priest_was_driving_along/
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What do you call the winner of the beauty pageant for teenagers who've had an abortion?

Little miss conception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rspqe/what_do_you_call_the_winner_of_the_beauty_pageant/
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What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his exams?

"Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours,
but I never told them anything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsppr/what_did_the_gangsters_son_tell_his_dad_when_he/
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3 surgeons walk into a pub...

...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England."
The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in an accident and I sewed them back on. 2 years later, he won a gold medal at the olympic games."
The third physician, who had been silent to this point says: "Amateurs! A couple of years ago, a young businessman overdosed on coke. He rode his horse in front of a train, tried to stop the train and was ripped into pieces. The only thing left was the man's butt and the horses forelock. I patched him up and two weeks ago, this man was sworn in as President of the United States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsovk/3_surgeons_walk_into_a_pub/
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What's the first amendment in Super Mario's constitution?

Freedom of Peach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsovf/whats_the_first_amendment_in_super_marios/
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John dies due to a car accident

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.
He asks the Angel "What up with all these clocks?"
Angel answers "These clocks measure lies, every person has one clock assigned to them. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks."
The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock does this belong to?"
Angel answers 'This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. She has never told a lie, so it hasn't moved."
John walks around and sees all sorts of clocks with different times on them.
He reaches a room having clocks of the presidents. He notices that it doesn't have Trump's clock.
So he asks "Where is Trump's clock?"
The Angel replies "That one is in our office, we use it as a table fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsoty/john_dies_due_to_a_car_accident/
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Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by his wife, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops the bed..The wife says, "What the heck was that?" The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsodz/fart_football/
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A man walks in to a hospital

And says to the doctor "I have five penises". The doctor asked him how his pants fitted. "Like a glove" he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsnjr/a_man_walks_in_to_a_hospital/
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I may look like a joke to you....

...but I'm completely dad inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsnh3/i_may_look_like_a_joke_to_you/
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If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

The swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsn4o/if_the_dove_is_the_bird_of_peace_what_is_the_bird/
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Why did the cartographer get kicked out of map making club

He had a bad latitude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rslnr/why_did_the_cartographer_get_kicked_out_of_map/
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What do you call a snowman who trades sex for money?

A Frostitute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsjpl/what_do_you_call_a_snowman_who_trades_sex_for/
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I was afraid that I had stepped on my child's hamster this morning...

... but laughed when I double checked.  I had just tripped on a little puddle of blood and fur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsjoc/i_was_afraid_that_i_had_stepped_on_my_childs/
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How does Hitler sneeze?

**a-jew* *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rshqa/how_does_hitler_sneeze/
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What's the best thing about an Oprah Winfrey joke?

You get the joke! You get the joke! You all get the joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsbau/whats_the_best_thing_about_an_oprah_winfrey_joke/
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Ducks

Three wisemen die and go to heaven for their good deeds. When they arrived at the gates, an Angel greets them and explains the rules, "Under no circumstances are you to step on a duck". And throwing the gates open the wisemen see ducks as far as the eye could see.
The first wiseman goes a week and steps on a duck. The Angel appears and says "Follow me". So the Angel leads him down a long dark hallway to a room with the ugliest creature he'd ever laid eyes on, "This is your spouse for eternity" says the Angel, locking him in and leaving.
A month goes by and the second wiseman steps on a duck, the Angel appears and takes him down the long dark hallway to a room with the ugliest creature he's ever seen, tells him that's his spouse now, locks him in and leaves.
The last wiseman goes a whole year and doesn't step on a duck, but the Angel appears anyway and tells him to follow. They walk down a long dark hallway to a room with the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. "Is this my reward for not stepping on ducks?" The Angel smiles, "No, she stepped on a duck"
Also while typing this I farted so hard I woke up my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rsb4s/ducks/
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Mall Security pick up a lost boy...

Mall Security pick up a lost boy at the shopping center.
The Mall cop asks, "Who were you with?"
The little boy answers, "My Granddad."
The Mall cop asks, "What's he like?"
The little boy thinks for a moment and replies, "Whisky and women with big tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rs9bv/mall_security_pick_up_a_lost_boy/
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So I replaced all of the incense in the Friar's chamber with Marijuana

He's a High priest now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rs727/so_i_replaced_all_of_the_incense_in_the_friars/
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Why was the blind Mexican only saying "no"?

Because he couldn't Si

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rs4kw/why_was_the_blind_mexican_only_saying_no/
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My Asian friend got his Jewish wife pregnant.

I guess "Cha Ching" wasn't an appropriate name suggestion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rs48z/my_asian_friend_got_his_jewish_wife_pregnant/
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Trump never eats russian salad...

He knows what Vladmir Putin it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rs2nl/trump_never_eats_russian_salad/
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Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

Because the B shells were too small and the D shells were too big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rs1mj/why_did_the_mermaid_wear_seashells/
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Why do all gay men sound the same?

Because they are Homonyms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rs0k3/why_do_all_gay_men_sound_the_same/
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Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it.

Because elephants never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rrzw0/call_a_girl_beautiful_1000_times_and_shell_never/
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Just left an interview and they told me there'd be a drug test. I'm not worried, though.

I know a lot about drugs, so it should be a pretty easy test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rryxm/just_left_an_interview_and_they_told_me_thered_be/
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Engineers and Lawyers

Three lawyers are buying tickets for a train to Chicago. Ahead of them in line, three engineers purchase a single ticket.
One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to travel with just a ticket between the three of you?"
"Watch and you'll see," winks one of the engineers.
The train arrives, and the six of them climb on. The three lawyers take their seats while the three engineers pile into a bathroom. The train gets underway.
A conductor starts making his rounds. Noticing the bathroom is occupied, he knocks on the door and asks, "Ticket, please."
The door cracks open a hair, and a single ticket is offered. The conductor punches it, and continues on.
The three lawyers admit that this is a good trick, and that they should try it on their next journey. As luck would have it, after spending a few days in Chicago, they see that the three engineers will be on board their train. The lawyers purchase a single ticket for the three of them, while the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to ride, if you don't have a ticket?"
"Watch and you'll see," came the reply.
The lawyers get on the train, and scramble into a bathroom. The engineers cram themselves into an adjacent bathroom. The train leaves, and picks up speed. One of the engineers gets out of the bathroom, walks over to the lawyers' bathroom, and knocks.
"Ticket, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rrxo2/engineers_and_lawyers/
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Had a job interview today

I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$200 and it's yours."
Didn't get the job btw...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rrwy6/had_a_job_interview_today/
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What do you get when you mix sodium hydroxide with hydrochloric acid?

Water, and /r/leagueoflegends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rrnxu/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_sodium_hydroxide/
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Two Jewish brothers are walking down the street.

They pass a Protestant church whose sign read "Convert to Christianity, Receive $2000". One of the brothers said "I'm going in there to check this out" His brother says "You can't possibly be thinking about converting to Christianity! This is your people this is your heritage!" his brother says "No no, I'm just going to see why they're doing it" After two hours he comes out of the church and says to his brother "I have converted to Christianity, I believe that Jesus is the true lord and savior of humanity and that he will return to earth to bless us and take us to heaven for an eternity of everlasting bliss". His brother says "Well what about the $2000?"
He says "What is it with you people and money?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rrnld/two_jewish_brothers_are_walking_down_the_street/
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Trump has been looking smaller and smaller lately.

He's on the low-fact diet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rrll0/trump_has_been_looking_smaller_and_smaller_lately/
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine...

when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my  house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with  me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rrlae/one_afternoon_a_lawyer_was_riding_in_his_limousine/
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I went to see Don Quixote at the theater yesterday and there was a short break in the middle of the play.

We didn't know it would happen, no one expected the Spanish intermission.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rrjkj/i_went_to_see_don_quixote_at_the_theater/
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How to make scrambled eggs

Step 1: Find omelette recipe
Step 2: Follow omelette recipe until folding step
Step 3: Try to fold the omelette in the pan
Step 4: Fuck it up because how the fuck do you even do that
Step 5: Enjoy scrambled eggs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rrja7/how_to_make_scrambled_eggs/
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I knew an Indian who drank so much tea

that he died in his tea pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rrj4f/i_knew_an_indian_who_drank_so_much_tea/
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Wow, Donald Trump is President. I haven't seen Democrats this mad since....

...slavery was outlawed and the desegregation of public schools!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rri1m/wow_donald_trump_is_president_i_havent_seen/
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I'm not addicted to cocaine

I just like the way it smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rri05/im_not_addicted_to_cocaine/
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What's the difference between a rock musician and a jazz musician?

A rock musician plays 3 chords for 20,000 people, and a jazz musician plays 20,000 chords for 3 people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rrhl1/whats_the_difference_between_a_rock_musician_and/
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What's green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rrd9d/whats_green_and_fuzzy_and_if_it_falls_out_of_a/
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What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rrcyk/whats_the_difference_between_john_wayne_and_jack/
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A bartender says "Hey! We don't serve faster-than-light particles here!"

A tachyon flies into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rr94d/a_bartender_says_hey_we_dont_serve/
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How do farmers get the party started?

They turnip the beets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rr8yz/how_do_farmers_get_the_party_started/
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What do you call a piece of corn all by itself?

A Unicorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rr8ic/what_do_you_call_a_piece_of_corn_all_by_itself/
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An older couple is driving down the highway...

An older couple is driving down the highway when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up to the driver side window and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" And from the passenger's side, he hears  a woman yell, "WWHHAAAAAT?!?" The driver turns to her and shouts, "HE WANTS TO KNOW HOW FAST WE WERE GOING!!!" Turning back to the cop, the old man says, "Sorry about that officer. My wife is pretty hard of hearing. And if we were driving a little too fast, I apologize and promise to slow it down." The cop says, "Uh huh. And where abouts are you folks headed?"
And again, "WWHHAAAAATT?!?!"
"HE WANTS TO KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING!! I'm sorry, Officer.... Uh, Michigan. We're on our way to see our Grandson."
And the cop says, "Michigan, huh? Yeah, I used to know a gal up in Michigan. Worst sex I ever had."
The old lady yells, "WWHHHAAAAATT?!?!" and her husband turns to her and shouts, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rr5r6/an_older_couple_is_driving_down_the_highway/
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Saw a midget carrying a television the other day

I asked him if he need any help carrying the television.
He told me to fuck off and said its an ipad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rr560/saw_a_midget_carrying_a_television_the_other_day/
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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rr1gl/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_going_down/
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Squaring numbers is just like girls

If they're under 13, just do them in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rqzmf/squaring_numbers_is_just_like_girls/
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How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It depends if you Count Dracula.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rqz7b/how_many_vampires_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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My girlfriend and I were about to go for a late night walk.

Her dad said, "Don't forget to wrap up."
I said, "Don't be silly, she's on the pill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rqyhd/my_girlfriend_and_i_were_about_to_go_for_a_late/
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Do you want to satisfy your hardcore food fetish?

Buy my new book: 50 Shades of Grey Poupon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rqxis/do_you_want_to_satisfy_your_hardcore_food_fetish/
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A young man and his date were parked...

... on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rquwl/a_young_man_and_his_date_were_parked/
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Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:
Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making farting engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rquh0/told_an_inmate_to_have_a_safe_drive_home/
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A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan..

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?” The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.
“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take ’em home.”
“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”
“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!”
The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said “Well?”
“Well, what?” the man responded.
“When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted.
“Call who back?” the man asked.
“The FISH.”
“What fish?” the man asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rqsyt/a_man_was_stopped_by_a_game_warden_in_northern/
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Today is a ballerinas favorite day...

Its 2-2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rqsuo/today_is_a_ballerinas_favorite_day/
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MOMMY MOMMY, I DONT WANT TO VISIT GRAMPA!

Shut up and keep digging...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rqlfc/mommy_mommy_i_dont_want_to_visit_grampa/
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Tourettes

I took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesnt have it, I actually am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rqjvb/tourettes/
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Viagra

should be classified as a hard drug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rqgy3/viagra/
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Heaven's New Rule

God was sitting with St. Peter and let him know of a new rule he wanted to implement. "If someone's last day on Earth is terrible, they get one more day."
St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates ready to enact Heaven's new rule when the first soul approached.
St. Peter said "My son, tell me about your last day on Earth"
First Guy "St. Peter you wouldn't believe my last day on Earth!  So I get home early from work and go to my 19th floor apartment. I open the door and there's a trail of men and women's clothes leading to my bedroom. There on the bed was my wife naked and sweaty. You bitch! You're cheating on me!? I screamed.  So I tore through the apartment looking for the guy. I looked under the bed and in the closet, no one was there. On my way to check the living room I see two hands hanging onto my balcony railing. I throw open the sliding door and start kicking the hands and yelling at the guy. He falls 19 floors and hits the ground, but he's still squirming. So I go to the kitchen and push my fridge over to the balcony and over the railing. It nails the guy. I turn around and go to yell at my wife when I die of a heart attack."
SP "You poor man! Go have an extra day"
Well now the second soul is approaching the  Gates, so St. Peter says "My son, tell me about your last day on Earth"
Second Guy "St. Peter my last day was AWFUL! So I'm gardening on the 20th floor of my apartment building when I lose my balance and fall. Thankfully I managed to catch the railing right below my balcony.  When out of nowhere this lunatic appears and starts kicking my hands and screaming something about sleeping with his wife. I fall from the balcony, and the last thing I remember seeing is a fridge falling towards me."
SP *snickering* "Go have your day!"
A third soul is approaching the Gates so St. Peter says. "My son, tell me about your last day on Earth"
Third Guy "So I'm naked in a fridge...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rqgwo/heavens_new_rule/
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Why did the blonde get into a car accident?

She thought "dodge" and "ram" were instructions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rqdzj/why_did_the_blonde_get_into_a_car_accident/
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Liberals declared leukemia to be racist

There's too many white cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rqdjk/liberals_declared_leukemia_to_be_racist/
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My girlfriend is quite selfish in the bedroom

I gave her an orgasm last night and she spat it back in my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rq9hp/my_girlfriend_is_quite_selfish_in_the_bedroom/
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My waifu is the square root of -100

She's a perfect 10, but imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rq94o/my_waifu_is_the_square_root_of_100/
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I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall...

... to keep Dora from exploring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rq8zk/i_just_turned_on_nickelodeon_and_saw_bob_the/
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Little Carol...

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. Carol's mother, been a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank You, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. So she tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3:
Dear God,
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said... Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God...
Letter 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rq8fy/little_carol/
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There are 10 types of people

Those who recycle binary jokes, and those who recycle other jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rq5b7/there_are_10_types_of_people/
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Abortion jokes are really shallow...

They always fail to deliver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rq55h/abortion_jokes_are_really_shallow/
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A penguin goes to the mechanic

A penguin's car breaks down and he takes the car to the mechanic. The mechanic tells him to come back in an hour. The penguin goes wandering around town and he stumbles upon an ice cream store. He buys some ice cream and goes back to the mechanic.
The mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin responds "No, no, its just ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rq3b9/a_penguin_goes_to_the_mechanic/
%
Last week was my 40th birthday.

I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
In my birthday suit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rq38u/last_week_was_my_40th_birthday/
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A Jewish man Sent his son on a trip to Israel

When his son returned, it was brought up that, while on the trip, he had converted to Christianity. Distraught, the Jewish man went to a close friend of his and explained the situation.
The other man replied, "Well that's strange, I too sent my son to Israel a Jew, and he too came back a Christian!" The two men were saddened, yes, but also intrigued. They went to their Rabbi with the concerns, again explaining the situation.
As they were explaining what had happened, the Rabbi had a pained look on his face, and when they were done he responded, "Well that's strange, my son went on the same trip as a Jew, and he too came back a Converted Christian!"
The three men devised a plan to figure out what was going on. They got on a plane and flew to Israel, determined to find out what was converting their sons! They found nothing, and went to the West Wall to pray about it. They screamed to the sky, "GOD, WE HAVE SENT OUR SONS TO ISRAEL AS JEWS, AND THEY CAME BACK CHRISTIAN, WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO US?!"
There was a moment of complete silence, followed by a booming voice from the sky...
"Well that's strange..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rpzhp/a_jewish_man_sent_his_son_on_a_trip_to_israel/
%
Iran bans Americans from traveling there.

Won't beheading there anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rpzdk/iran_bans_americans_from_traveling_there/
%
A pregnant woman and husband attend a pregnancy class together.

The doctor is explaining to the class how to make pregnancy and delivery easier on the couples. He goes on to explain how it's very beneficial to walk during the pregnancy, as it is good for exercise and such. The doctor explains to the husbands they should encourage it by accompanying them on their walks. A slow pace and frequent stops is recommended, as well as walking on grass or other softer surfaces.
After the doctor finishes he asks for questions and one husband raises his hand. The husband says "would it be ok for her to carry the clubs too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rprhp/a_pregnant_woman_and_husband_attend_a_pregnancy/
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I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home

She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rpqie/i_went_up_to_this_really_cute_homeless_girl_and/
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Why do marxists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rpjx5/why_do_marxists_only_drink_herbal_tea/
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What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rpjci/what_do_you_call_100_rabbits_walking_backwards/
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I was changing the 15 fuses at the Buzzfeed HQ building

Number 5 shocked me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rphbd/i_was_changing_the_15_fuses_at_the_buzzfeed_hq/
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Have you heard about the vampire turned poet?

He went from _bat_ ... to __verse__!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rpd57/have_you_heard_about_the_vampire_turned_poet/
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What do you call a female magician?

An assistant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rpbqr/what_do_you_call_a_female_magician/
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I saw a black man...

I saw a black man in Nikes running down the street carrying a 55" TV and I thought to myself, "Is that mine?"
Then I remembered that mine wears Reebok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rpbpx/i_saw_a_black_man/
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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...

Until the librarian screamed at me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rpamv/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? 18+

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rp9ys/why_is_the_space_between_a_womans_breasts_and_her/
%
Police arrested two kids yesterday

One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rp93o/police_arrested_two_kids_yesterday/
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rp02t/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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So I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta last night...

Now it's a Ford Focus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rozmv/so_i_left_my_adderall_in_my_ford_fiesta_last_night/
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Why did the guitar player get arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5royxb/why_did_the_guitar_player_get_arrested/
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Want to hear a joke?

So did Helen Keller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5royn6/want_to_hear_a_joke/
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Jesus walks into a restaurant with his Apostles...

and says to the host, "Table for 26 please".  The host, confused said, "but Jesus, it's just you and your 12 Apostles, that only makes 13".  To this Jesus replied, "Yeah, but we're only going to sit on one side of the table."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rotzm/jesus_walks_into_a_restaurant_with_his_apostles/
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What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mum can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ror5d/whats_the_difference_between_3_dicks_and_a_joke/
%
Last night, my wife asked me to make her "feel like a woman"

I took off my shirt, and told her to iron it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5roph1/last_night_my_wife_asked_me_to_make_her_feel_like/
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What's the difference between a good secretary and a great secretary?

A good one says, "*Good morning.*"
A great one says, "*It's morning.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5roncl/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_secretary_and/
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There are 10 types of people in the world...

.. those who understand binary, and those who get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ron9o/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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The story of John, the betting salior.

John was a young military salior with an unusual ability. He could make very off-the-wall predictions, and he had a knack for making money off them.
One day, a shipmate finds him making a small X on the deck with tape, and asks what he's doing. John stands up. "I'll bet you fifty bucks, in exactly an hour a seagull will fly over, and shit exactly on this spot." The other man laughs, says "You're on!", and they shake on it.
They both come back to the deck close to an hour later. After a few minutes, sure enough, they hear the calls of a gull, followed by a faint splat. The salior looks down in disbelief at the pile of bird shit on the center of the tape. He pays up.
A couple of days pass. It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. Back on the deck, another salior finds John walking around in his rain coat, and asks why he's wearing such odd attire on such a pretty day. "I'll bet you 100 dollars that you're gonna regret not wearing yours too in just a minute." The second man looks at him, and takes the bet. He begins to walk away, but before he can take a dozen steps, a single dark cloud forms in the sky and begins to soak the entire ship.
These strange bets continue, and before long, news reaches the captain of the ship. He wants this madman off his boat. He calls some friends in high places, and gets John transfered to another vessel. A few days later, he receives a phone call from the commander of the destroyer John was placed on.
"You know," says the commander, "I don't see why you wanted him gone so bad. I've already won five thousand from him. He's not as good as you said."
"What? How'd you pull that off?"
The commander laughs. "The idiot bet me that I had hemorrhoids! I've never had them in my life, easy money! It was a little awkward proving it, but worth it."
"How'd you prove it?"
"Simple. I pulled down my pants, and showed him my asshole. He still didn't believe me, so he grabbed a broom and poked at me, and finally was convinced. Easiest five grand I've ever made."
There was a silence, and the captain finally said, "Throw that son of a bitch overboard right now."
"What? Why?" asked the commander.
"Because on his last day before the transfer, he bet me twenty thousand that he'd willingly have a broomstick up your ass by the end of the first week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rojxk/the_story_of_john_the_betting_salior/
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I used my Google Rewards on a video of Caitlyn Jenner

It was worth the transaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5roerh/i_used_my_google_rewards_on_a_video_of_caitlyn/
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Did you guys hear about the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

It was an "udder" disaster!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rob0j/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_cow_that_jumped_over/
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I invented a sandal for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5roapx/i_invented_a_sandal_for_people_with_one_leg/
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Whats the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?

Guys will actually look for the golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ro8yq/whats_the_difference_between_a_golf_ball_and_a/
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What does the sign on an out of business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ro8d4/what_does_the_sign_on_an_out_of_business_brothel/
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Jesus and Moses go fishing...

While in line at the canoe rental place Moses looks over at Jesus and asked him, "Cant you walk on water? Why do we need a canoe?"
Jesus remembers his ability and tries to walk across the river but falls knee deep in the water.
Moses then says, "Maybe you need to get a running head start. Try over there on the dock."
Jesus gets a running head start but ends up falling into the river once again. He is perplexed as to why this is not working.
Moses then says, "Wait Jesus, did you have holes in your feet last time you did this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ro681/jesus_and_moses_go_fishing/
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What is the difference between Donald Trump and Kanye West?

4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ro5o1/what_is_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and/
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What do you call a pig with no legs?

Ground Hog! Happy Groundhog's Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ro47w/what_do_you_call_a_pig_with_no_legs/
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My wife told me if I kept making puns about my dark yellow glove then she'd leave me.

I told her I could see where she was coming from, even I found it annoying I mustard mitt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ro3ak/my_wife_told_me_if_i_kept_making_puns_about_my/
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Q: What's the difference between hemophilia and virginity?

None. One prick, and it's all over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ro1zs/q_whats_the_difference_between_hemophilia_and/
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What's the most common blood type in Taiwan?

Taipei

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ro1zg/whats_the_most_common_blood_type_in_taiwan/
%
A blonde walks into a bank

in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rnxrz/a_blonde_walks_into_a_bank/
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What's the best pattern for a banker's suit?

Checks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rnv54/whats_the_best_pattern_for_a_bankers_suit/
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Smart Diagnosis Machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rnuh0/smart_diagnosis_machine/
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How many Muslims were banned?

Allah them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rnrom/how_many_muslims_were_banned/
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Onions.

I remember crying when my dad chopped onions.
Onions was a good dog. I miss him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rnrdo/onions/
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Eyes Specialist

Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rnqbn/eyes_specialist/
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Why was the math book sad?

It had lots of problems.
[My little brother told me this earlier.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rnn4m/why_was_the_math_book_sad/
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Date night

I was on a date with a girl last night and the conversation started to get steamy. She was holding my hand and I said; "just by using these fingers I could make you scream."
Seductively she leant forward and purred "well go on then, show me..."
So I poked her in the eye!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rnfvr/date_night/
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Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead

. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"
The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"
The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."
There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on "Okay, what now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rncq9/two_men_are_out_hunting_when_one_of_them_suddenly/
%
Son: "Mom, Dad, I am gay...."

Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: ...
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rnbee/son_mom_dad_i_am_gay/
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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they're stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rnb8f/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
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80,000 blondes meet at a football stadium for a "Blonds Are Not Stupid" convention

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rnar7/80000_blondes_meet_at_a_football_stadium_for_a/
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Which monkey can fly?

A hot air baboon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rn9le/which_monkey_can_fly/
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Why couldn't the dogs understand each other.

Because they didn't have any common scents. Ha ha ha... I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rn7r0/why_couldnt_the_dogs_understand_each_other/
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What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rn704/what_did_0_say_to_8/
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While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in.

The clerk asked me, "can I help you?"  I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?"  He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out."  I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rn0zn/while_walking_through_the_mall_i_spotted_the/
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My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex

. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rn0y6/my_dentist_reminded_me_of_my_wifes_sensitive_gag/
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A woman has three applicants for one job ...

After exhaustive testing, interviewing and HR profiling they are still in a dead heat.
Finally she decides to go with what Easter means to each one. Just a random question that may give her insight to offer one of them the job.
The first applicant, scratches his head and says "that's easy, that's when the Christmas Bunny visits all the good little children around the world and brings them gifts".
A bit taken aback by the applicant's answer, she decides to press on.
The 2nd applicant states flatly that is when Father Xmas hides eggs throughout the land to good little children to find.
Now the hiring manager is really confused, what was supposed to be an easy way to find the better applicant has turned sideways.
However, she decides to stay the course and ask the last applicant the same question.
The final applicant starts off "this is the day when Christians world wide celebrate the death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ..."
The manager finally has a clear answer!
The applicant continues ... Jesus was dead and buried, placed in the tomb and on the third day rose from the dead, rolled the stone back and stepped out into the sunshine, and at that point saw his shadow and said "shit, six more weeks of winter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmyeq/a_woman_has_three_applicants_for_one_job/
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Did you know they make a divorcee Barbie now?

She comes with all of Ken's stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmxiv/did_you_know_they_make_a_divorcee_barbie_now/
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Psychology lecture

A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students: "Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage." With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.
"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.
"No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end.
"You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like."
He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks.
"Hi, can Dave come to the phone?"
"I told you you have the wrong number"
"That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like"
He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks.
"Is Dave available?"
"LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. AND IF IT DOESN'T FIT, I'LL PUSH IT IN WITH MY COCK!!!!!!"
"And that's rage."
"Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows.
"And what might that be?" asks the professor.
"It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate"
He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number.
"Hello, this is Dave, has somebody asked for me today?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmuik/psychology_lecture/
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Mercury asked the Sun what he was.

The Sun said: I'm a motherfucking star boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmtra/mercury_asked_the_sun_what_he_was/
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Told my friend she couldn't take critism

She told me to go to hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmsyw/told_my_friend_she_couldnt_take_critism/
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John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding...

They were discussing the details with their friends.
Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.
One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.
Nancy replied, "Silver."
At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep, silver...to match her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So, John, I guess you are going barefoot then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmqvx/john_and_nancy_were_married_for_40_years_and/
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As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine.

Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmq4w/as_i_was_approaching_my_driveway_i_saw_a_big/
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When my cat won for "Best Feline Butt", we expected to get a small plaque. But it wasn't.

It was a huge catasstrophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmq4s/when_my_cat_won_for_best_feline_butt_we_expected/
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My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmo1v/my_pet_snake_just_lays_around_and_wont_move/
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They call my penis the truth....

The truth can be a real dick sometimes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmm5x/they_call_my_penis_the_truth/
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Blonde joke

A blonde is trying to hammer down a pin into a wall, she has the flat end to the wall and is hammering the pointy end. She gets really pissed as it clearly isn't working. Her friend comes in and asks whats wrong. "Well, this pin just work! It's not piercing this wall!" she says.
Her friend looks at her and says " You idiot, You got the wrong pin!  That pin is clearly for the wall on the oppsite side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmifj/blonde_joke/
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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmhv3/just_after_my_wife_had_given_birth_i_asked_the/
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My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmfvv/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
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My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Really blind-sided everyone.

Nobody expected the Spanish Acquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmf16/my_company_got_bought_out_by_a_madrid_based_firm/
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What is a Linux user's favorite game?

sudo ku

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rme57/what_is_a_linux_users_favorite_game/
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One more for the road. Abu Al Abid went to USA for the first time,

He opened a furniture shop & a lingerie shop.
In 6 months....
he made a good business.
.
He sends an email to his wife saying:
Please rush, pack up & come to USA,
I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 panties.
I made $100,000.
She replies:
It is better that you close your shop and come back fast.
With 1 mattress & with no panties
I made $300,000.. ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rme2i/one_more_for_the_road_abu_al_abid_went_to_usa_for/
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An unmarried couple start a jazz band. What would they call it?

Premarital sax

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmcbb/an_unmarried_couple_start_a_jazz_band_what_would/
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What do you call a constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rmbk3/what_do_you_call_a_constipated_detective/
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What is your FAVORITE pun?

Mine is, "Dogs Can't Operate a MRI Machine......but Catscan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rm84g/what_is_your_favorite_pun/
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"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.

"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rm6g3/am_i_the_first_man_you_have_ever_loved_he_said/
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What do you call a potato that becomes US President and silences the news, silences government agencies, silences government funded science and ends international treaties?

A dic-tater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rm5vt/what_do_you_call_a_potato_that_becomes_us/
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The light at the end of the tunnel,

Are the front lights of a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rm5fd/the_light_at_the_end_of_the_tunnel/
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my wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rm4uy/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
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I've just moved into a six bedroom house with three acres of land.

Don't tell the owners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rm4o4/ive_just_moved_into_a_six_bedroom_house_with/
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Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms

, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rm3ul/once_upon_a_time_there_were_three_kingdoms/
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Guinness Book of World Records

Recently I took a stroll through the forest when I met three dwarves. They started bragging:
"I bet I have the worlds smallest hands" said the first dwarf, the second dwarf said "I have the world smallest feet" and the last one claimed that he had the smallest dick on the planet.
I told them that if that would be really true, they should get the certificate of the Guinness Book of World Records, to prove that they were right. So I took them to the office where the first on walks into the office and afterwards walks out proudly with his certificate which said :  WORLDS SMALLEST HANDS
The second dwarf walks in and after five minutes he walks out all proud with his certificate : WORLDS SMALLEST FEET
The third dwarf walks in and after ten minutes he walks out sobbing and all disappointed and kept mumbeling:"Who the F*ck is Adam Sandler?"
<when telling this joke to your mates, swap the name Adam Sandler with one of your friends names>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rm1za/guinness_book_of_world_records/
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Did you know? Type O Blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to the lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells.

It was misread and is now called Type “O” blood.
I guess you could call it a typo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rls3p/did_you_know_type_o_blood_was_actually_meant_to/
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Hey Honey!

"Today, I went out and a saw a woman that looked identical to you, just fatter!"
"Well, did you find her attractive?"
"Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rlrws/hey_honey/
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Who is Donald Trump's least favourite rock band?

Foreigner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rlreq/who_is_donald_trumps_least_favourite_rock_band/
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What is the advantage of living in Switzerland?

Well, its flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rlqim/what_is_the_advantage_of_living_in_switzerland/
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At a mental hospital

A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hopsital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises.
"Excuse me", he asks him. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I'm driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. "Beep beep!"
"You fucking nutbar, you're not in a car, you're in a mental hospital!"
A voice comes from the bed opposite. "Mate, shut the fuck up will you, he's giving me twenty quid a day to wash the cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rlqg8/at_a_mental_hospital/
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My wife always asks me: if she dies, will I remarry? And I say don't be silly honey...

I never make the same mistake twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rlorg/my_wife_always_asks_me_if_she_dies_will_i_remarry/
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What's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies?

You can't unload sand with a pitchfork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rlocw/whats_the_difference_between_a_truckload_of_sand/
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A little old lady goes into an adult bookstore.

A little old lady, about 70 years old, walks into an adult bookstore and slowly shuffles up to the counter, her hands shaking. She stutteringly says, "Eh, eh, excuse me, b-but I'm embarrased..."
The clerk says, "Please don't be ma'am, human sexuality is a beautiful, natural thing. You have nothing to be embarrassed about."
Trembling, she asks, "All right, do- do- do you have (whispers) women's...pleasure...aides here?
"Like, vibrators and dildos? Yes, ma'am, we have a large selection of both."
"An- an- and do- do you know much about them?"
The clerks looks are her shaking form and says, "Yes, ma'am, I do. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have."
To which she replies, "Great! Do- do- do- do you know how to shut 'em off?!"
:-)
(Note: When telling this joke in person, be sure to shake your hands when you're doing the little old lady's voice! Earned me a few laughs back when I was bartending :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rlmpm/a_little_old_lady_goes_into_an_adult_bookstore/
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What do you call a Barbie on fire?

A Barbecue!
Be gentle. First post. And I remember making this up on a long car ride when I was just 4:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rlm8h/what_do_you_call_a_barbie_on_fire/
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You already know the punchline.

What is the worst part about time travelling jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rllh9/you_already_know_the_punchline/
%
Why doesn't the sun go to college?

Because it already has 28 million degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rlku3/why_doesnt_the_sun_go_to_college/
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Me: So do you like guys with low self esteem?

Girl: Of course, yes, I do
Me: Please don't lie to make me feel better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rlizj/me_so_do_you_like_guys_with_low_self_esteem/
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The Jar in the Bar

So a man goes out to meet his buddies at a new bar. When he arrives, the first thing he sees is a giant glass jar in the far corner of the room, 7 feet by 6 feet, packed to the brim with $10 bills.
He sits down and asks his buddies, "What's with the jar?"
"No idea" responds his friend, so the man asks the bartender.
In his thick Irish accent, "Ah, ye warnt a know bout the haus game does yer? That'll be $10."
Annoyed but intrigued, the man pulls out a $10 and lays it on the bar, and the old man begins, "To win all the money in that there jar, I have a gallon jug of tequila ya hafta take all down at one go and not flinch or make a face," then he points to the back door, "I have a pit bull chained out back with an aching tooth ya gotta pull, but watch out, she's mean as a blarney so be careful, and at last, I gots a 90 year old lass upstairs, who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta go up there and make things right for her."
The man stands, shakes his head as he returns the table. "I understand!" yells the bartender, "But yer $10 stays in the jar."
So the guy get into a bit of a drinking session with his buddies, but can't stop thinking about the jar. If he could suck it up, just for one night, he could change his life.
Finally, with enough liquid courage, he stumbles up the the bar and slams down a $10 bill. "Gimme the tequila." The bartender hands him the jug and he throws it back as hard as he can, throats burning, tears rolling down his face, he finishes every drop and slams it down, without making a face. The bartender points to the door, now the man staggers through the backdoor, and the barking ensues, trash cans are crashing, there's a loud scream then silence. "Awh geez says the bartender, they fuckin' killed each other." As he shoos the crowd back he gets to the door, the man bursts thru, shirt shredded, bloodied and bruised, he shouts, "Alright, now where's the old lady with the sore tooth?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rlhmh/the_jar_in_the_bar/
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Why don't women have dirty minds?

Because they're constantly changing them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rle20/why_dont_women_have_dirty_minds/
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To all these people telling America n Americans to go fuck themselves

I think they already took care of that in November!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rlc76/to_all_these_people_telling_america_n_americans/
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My secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "remember, you have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rlc0q/my_secretary_reminds_me_of_my_wife/
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A radio show holds a contest for the best local talent...

A gentleman walks into the studio with a mutt of a dog a couple days later and asks if he can audition.
"Sure, whaddya got?", said the radio host.
"My dog can talk.", the man replied.
Skeptical, the host sits down and beckons the man to start.
"OK boy! What is on top of a house?!"
The dog barks, "ROOF!"
The host rolls his eyes and sits back.
"And what does sandpaper feel like?!"
The dog barks, "RUFF!"
The host stands up and shouts at the man, telling him he needs to take things seriously or get out.
"OK, OK, just give us one more and I promise it'll be worth your time." the owner pleaded.
The radio host falls back into his chair, his face in his hands as he mumbles, "Fine."
"ALLRIGHT BOY! Who is the greatest baseball player in history?"
"RUTH! RUTH!"
The radio host jumps up. Red in the face, he screams at the dog owner until he leaves.
The owner walks outside and shoots a disappointed glare at his dog. The dog hangs his head, looks back up, and says,
"Do you think I should've said Mickey Mantle?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rl6m7/a_radio_show_holds_a_contest_for_the_best_local/
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Trump get's his wall. (long)

Trump, A Canadian and a Mexican, end up on a deserted island.  While looking for supplies to survive Trump finds a Lantern, seeing the goldish colour of the lamp Trump rubs it.
Summoning a Genie;
The Genie announces that he will grant three wishes to all that have found his Island.
Trump wishes first; "I want a wall, the best wall, all along our borders 50 feet... no 2000 feet tall,  it is going to be the greatest wall, we should have the best wall, the biggest wall, it should be the biggest wall in history"
The Genie looks at Trump and says, Granted.
The Canadian Looks at the Mexican and says, "I want to know how high the wall is, and how strong it is" The genie says "The wall is 8000 meters tall, and strong enough to hold back an ocean."
The Mexican smiles looking at the Canadian.   "Fill it with water"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rl30l/trump_gets_his_wall_long/
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Marriage and Divorce

The boy and the Girl:
Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long.
Girl: You want me to leave?
Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course. Lots!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No! Why are you asking me?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every time I get the chance!
Girl: Will you ever hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy? Of course not!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling?
Now read it bottom up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rl2hn/marriage_and_divorce/
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A man is shipwrecked on an island

A man is sailing off the coast of Australia when a storm hits. He ends up shipwrecked on a little island.
There are just pastures and a few farms, so he goes up to one of the farms and asks if he can stay. A couple of grizzled old shepherds are there, and they give him lodging.
The next day the shipwrecked man is bored as hell and asks what they do for fun around here.
One of the shepherds says, "See all those sheep on the hills? We go out there and fuck 'em."
"Seriously?"
"Hey mate, don't knock it till you try it!"
The visitor realizes he must have ended up in New Zealand and sulks off to his room to get away from the filthy Kiwis.
The next day, he's so bored, he sneaks out to the pasture and starts fucking one of the ewes, whose bleats echo the hills. He's having such a good romp that he doesn't notice the two shepherds leaning against the fence. When he looks over, they burst out in laughter.
He pulls his dick out of the sheep and calls out, "hey, what's so funny? I thought you said you fuck the sheep around here!"
The shepherd gestures with his arm towards the ewe and, amidst his uproarious laughter, is barely able to sputter out, "Oi mate, not the ugly ones!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkxsb/a_man_is_shipwrecked_on_an_island/
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Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by tossing it in water?!

If it sinks... girl ant!
If it floats... buoyant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkxkk/did_you_know_you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by/
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Why do melons always have big weddings?

Because they cantaloupe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkv05/why_do_melons_always_have_big_weddings/
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If Canadians say "Ay" and Mexicans say "Si"...

Why don't Americans say "B"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rktxg/if_canadians_say_ay_and_mexicans_say_si/
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If a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut.

But if a guy does the same thing, then he's gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rktli/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_a_bunch_of_guys_shes_a_slut/
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Mellinials today definitely have it easier than previous generations...

My grandfather had to cross the Atlantic to punch a Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkt3t/mellinials_today_definitely_have_it_easier_than/
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After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD

Or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rks2l/after_many_years_of_studying_at_a_university_ive/
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What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Michael Phelps can finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkrla/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
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My overdramatic girlfriend came up to me, balling her eyes out and confessed to having the most painful period she's ever had before

I looked her right in the face and said "stop ovary acting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkp7k/my_overdramatic_girlfriend_came_up_to_me_balling/
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Did you know that my alcoholic friend only weighs two pounds?

Long story short, my bud light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkosj/did_you_know_that_my_alcoholic_friend_only_weighs/
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Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because the last one who had a dream got shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rko4j/why_do_black_people_only_have_nightmares/
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I went to a 4-year olds birthday party once, it was kinda awkward...

...probably because I wasn't invited...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkmrn/i_went_to_a_4year_olds_birthday_party_once_it_was/
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Guy puts candy bar in shirt

His dad always said to keep Twix up your sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkke8/guy_puts_candy_bar_in_shirt/
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Two tribal men drag two criminals into the Chief's hut...

The Chief asked the first criminal, "You shall choose your punishment for your crimes! Choose!"
"Death! Or Canyananga?"
Criminal #1 thought: "Well, I don't want to die..."
"Canyananga!"
The Chief responded, "Very well. Bring in... Canyananga."
An ugly, giant and beastly black man walked in, took Criminal #1 to the hut next to them and proceeded to horrendously rape him.
The Chief turned to Criminal #2 and shouted, "Choose!"
Criminal #2 quickly replied in horror, "Death! Please!"
"Fine..." the Chief told him, "But first... Canyananga!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkik7/two_tribal_men_drag_two_criminals_into_the_chiefs/
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I got vagina in China, got some more in Singapore, got some booty in Djibouti

But I got gonorrhea in Korea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkhwu/i_got_vagina_in_china_got_some_more_in_singapore/
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Banker's balls (nsfw)

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." The president laughs, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" The president agrees, "Sure, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkfkq/bankers_balls_nsfw/
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They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

... but it's costing me a fortune in houses!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkffh/they_say_you_should_test_your_fire_alarm_once_a/
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An elderly man is out playing golf with a friend...

An elderly man is out playing golf with a friend.
During his turn, right before his swing, a funeral procession drives by along the border fence.
The elderly man pauses, takes off his hat, and places it on his chest.
As the procession drives along, the elderly mans friend stands just flabbergasted.
Once the procession passes, the elderly man resumes setting up his swing.
"Now hold on a second!" The elderly mans friend shouts, "That was quite a show of respect! I have never seen anything like it!"
"Well, I had to do something."
"Why's that?" Replied the elderly mans friend.
"I was married to her for 40 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkf7y/an_elderly_man_is_out_playing_golf_with_a_friend/
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Different movie

Wife comes home and whispers to her husband "let's have sex like in the movies"
The husband quickly gets undressed strips his wife, puts her in her knees, face fucks her then bends her over and sticks it in her ass then cums all over her face.
As the wife is shaking and wiping the cum from her face she says "yea we sure do watch different movies"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkck4/different_movie/
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My all-time favorite joke: The Forgetful Couple

An elderly couple are sitting in the living room, and the old man gets up, and says "I'm going to the store to get myself a soda, do you want anything?"
His wife says "I'd like an ice cream sundae.  Here, I'll write it down for you so you don't forget--"
"I'm not going to forget," he waves his hand at her dismissively. "Ice cream sundae."
"With cherries and chopped nuts.  You'll forget, I'm going to write it down for you."
"Woman I'm not senile! I won't forget!  Sundae with cherries and nuts."
"And whipped cream.  You're sure you won't forget all this?  You forgot the last time.  Please, I'll write it down so you won't forget."
The old man gave an annoyed sigh and left the house.  He returned and handed his wife a bag.
"Here you go, I didn't forget."
She looked inside the bag and found a toasted onion bagel.
"Yes you did!  I told you you would forget, and you did!"  The old woman threw a fit. "You forgot the cream cheese!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rkbt0/my_alltime_favorite_joke_the_forgetful_couple/
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A husband and wife are getting their first baby scan

After a few minutes of silent scanning, the couple ask the doctor if anything is wrong.
The doctor replies:  On a positive note, your child will never struggle to find a parking space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rk8ai/a_husband_and_wife_are_getting_their_first_baby/
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Dead husband

A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?"
Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct."
The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?"
"The old fool used an elastic rope!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rk6a3/dead_husband/
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So, I call into work and say to the boss: "What’s the difference between work and your daughter?!"

"I'm not coming into work this morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rk5kk/so_i_call_into_work_and_say_to_the_boss_whats_the/
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A man asks his wife if he can cum in her ear

She said
"No, it'll make me go deaf"
To which he replied
"Really, I always cum in your mouth and you never shut the fuck up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rk5gl/a_man_asks_his_wife_if_he_can_cum_in_her_ear/
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I bought a Lottery ticket today

Sven: "Ollie I bought a Lottery ticket today."
Ollie: "It looks like it has six numbers on it. 29, 4, 42, 11, 35, 36."
Sven: "What are the odds?"
Ollie: "29, 11, 35."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rk4lx/i_bought_a_lottery_ticket_today/
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We've had a horrible winter this year.

It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rk23c/weve_had_a_horrible_winter_this_year/
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I hate when people ask me what I'm going to be doing in 3 years

Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjzj8/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_what_im_going_to_be/
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You go to the bathroom Russian. You come out American. What are you while you're in the bathroom?

European.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjyoe/you_go_to_the_bathroom_russian_you_come_out/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school?

He's awake now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjx40/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_the/
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NSFW My SO asked me why I always make terrible puns and dad jokes

I told her, "it's just gentle ribbing, you know, for your pleasure"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjx1t/nsfw_my_so_asked_me_why_i_always_make_terrible/
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Why didn't barbie ever get pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjwbv/why_didnt_barbie_ever_get_pregnant/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest gets something accomplished when triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjvpo/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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How many police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None. "He fell".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjsqw/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_push_a/
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Did you hear about the roman fighter who ate his mother in law?

Terrible indigestion but he was gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjryr/did_you_hear_about_the_roman_fighter_who_ate_his/
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Where should children with ADHD be sent?

A Concentration Camp!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjmcp/where_should_children_with_adhd_be_sent/
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My wife asked if I will ever stop quoting Gangsta's Paradise

The way things are going I don't know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjlzc/my_wife_asked_if_i_will_ever_stop_quoting/
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The two villages were troubled.

They were constantly being forced to search for other places to fish in the river. There was a massive bear that paraded the shores on both sides and this made fishing difficult for both villages that lie on opposite sides of the river.
Earlier there used to be a small pack of wolves that paraded the shores and now they were forced in the villages because of the bear. This posed a problem as they started attacking the livestock. The village elders decided to meet on the high bridge that connected them together to see who can help with this situation.
When the elders met on the bridge, with all the other villagers in tow, they argued for an hour and didn't reach any conclusion. Then when all hope was about to be lost, Peter jumped from the bridge in the river. Having witnessed this the bear rushed to kill him. The villagers looked at this in awe from above.
Peter somehow swims on the shore and smacks the head of the prancing bear with a large stone. The bear drops dead. Having witnessed that the bear is out of the way, the wolves run down and start attacking Peter. But one by one, Peter takes them all out.
Having seen all this, the villagers start to celebrate as Peter comes to meet the elders. Everyone is congratulating him on his bravery but Peter looked unfazed by all this.
One of the elders comes to him and says, "Peter, for this bravery, all of us have decided that we'll offer you something big, what do you want? A house? A really pretty wife? A field? You say it and we'll give it to you!!"
To this Peter replies, "I only want one thing, I wanna know which motherf**er pushed me off the bridge!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjlaq/the_two_villages_were_troubled/
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What's got two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese telephone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjjs0/whats_got_two_wings_and_an_arrow/
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Why is 17 referred to as the "Hot Cousin" in black jack?

Because you want to hit it but you'd probably bust and everyone be pissed at you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjgzc/why_is_17_referred_to_as_the_hot_cousin_in_black/
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Donkey Racing in Texas.

A Preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep so the preacher ended up buying a donkey. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. The donkey came in 3rd. The next Day the daily racing form carried the headline:
**“Preachers Ass Shows”**
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again. This time he won. The form read:
**“Preachers Ass Out in Front”**
The Bishop was upset with this kind of publicity and he ordered the preacher not to enter his donkey in another race. The newspaper headline read:
**“Bishop Scratches Preachers Ass”**
This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a nearby convent. The newspaper headline read:
**“Nun Has Best Ass in Town”**
The Bishop fainted; He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer who was willing to buy the donkey for $10. The next day the newspaper headline read:
**“Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks”**
They buried the Bishop the next day. The final headline read:
**“Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishops Death”**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjgw7/donkey_racing_in_texas/
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I was reading Reddit at this Restaurant

When this guy at the table next to me started grabbing his chest and fell to the floor. The waitress yelled out "Does anyone know CPR??!!" "Well heck" I said, "I know the entire alphabet!" And everyone laughed and laughed. Well ... all except one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rjcv4/i_was_reading_reddit_at_this_restaurant/
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I try not to comment about what is in the news but...

I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving his haters wrong time after time! Some people are just jealous of someone who is successful and has money. Throw in a hot foreign model at his side and they hate even more. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there's nothing you can do about it. I know its just going to get worse over the next several days, but like it or not, Tom Brady is in the Super Bowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rj426/i_try_not_to_comment_about_what_is_in_the_news_but/
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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ripq0/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
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My girlfriend is like bread.

It's easy to get a rise out of her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rip4k/my_girlfriend_is_like_bread/
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I LOVE ISIS

She's my favorite Egyptian god

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rio5g/i_love_isis/
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Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rin3f/politics/
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What did the circumference of a circle say to its diameter?

Want some pi?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rimf9/what_did_the_circumference_of_a_circle_say_to_its/
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Hey girl, are you an integral?

Because I want to substitute u for my x.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rilt8/hey_girl_are_you_an_integral/
%
And the Lord said onto John: "Come forth John and you will receive eternal life"

But John came 5th and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rilcj/and_the_lord_said_onto_john_come_forth_john_and/
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Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 secconds

Poor bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rikd7/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
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Whats green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rik3n/whats_green_fuzzy_and_if_it_fell_out_of_a_tree/
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Women call me ugly untill they find out how much money i make

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rijkl/women_call_me_ugly_untill_they_find_out_how_much/
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A Mexican finds a Genie Lamp along the beach...

He rubs it, and the genie bellows out.
"Behold, mortal, and I will grant you one wish!"
And so, the Mexican thinks hard, and finally replies, "I wish all of my people were at peace and at our homeland.
And so, every Hispanic on the globe is suddenly teleported to Spain.
After an hour passes, an Asian walks down the beach, and finds the lamp.
Expectedly, He rubs it, and the genie bellows out.
"Behold, mortal, and I will grant you one wish!"
The Asian thinks hard, and finally replies, "I wish all of my people were at peace and at our homeland."
And so, every Asian on the globe was suddenly transported to China, Japan, Korea, and surrounding countries.
After another hour passes, an African walks along the same beach, and finds the lamp.
As one can expect, He rubs it, and the genie bellows out.
"Behold, mortal, and I will grant you one wish!"
The African thinks hard, and finally replies, "I wish all of my people were at peace and at our homeland."
And so, every African on the globe was transported to Africa.
After another hour, a White person walks down the beach, and discovers the lamp.
He rubs it, and the genie bellows out.
"Behold, mortal, and I will grant you one wish!"
The White, hearing of the other races disappearing, asked, "So the Mexicans have gone back to Mexico and Spain?"
The genie simply replies,"Yes."
The white continues, "And the Asians have gone back to Asia, and the Africans have gone back to Africa?"
The genie once again replies with,"Yes, and Yes."
So, the white being completely content, said, "Shoot, well I'll just have a Coke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rigxh/a_mexican_finds_a_genie_lamp_along_the_beach/
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Remember, big brains are important...

but big muscles are importanter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rig58/remember_big_brains_are_important/
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Sex Doll

Do muslim sex dolls blow themselves up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ricl5/sex_doll/
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A gorilla that swung too far

A zoo was barely making ends meet. The head zookeeper was keeping things together, but it was a struggle. Instead of a pride of lions, they had one lone lion. Instead of a band of gorillas, just two. The rest of the zoo animals were just as sparse.
One day during a thunder and lightning storm, a single bolt of lightning struck the two remaining gorillas and killed them both instantly. Thankfully due to the storm, there were no people visiting the zoo and so the general public wasnt aware of the tragedy. The head zookeeper pulled a staff member aside and said "Hey, I've got a gorilla suit in the back. Why dont you put it on every day, get in the habitat and act like a gorilla and I'll see that you get paid an extra $50 a day."
The staff member agreed, and everything seemed to be working out fine. The public thought it was an authentic gorilla, the staff member made an extra $50 a day and the zoo didnt have to go through the trouble of finding a new gorilla plus deal with the financial hassle of maintaining a real animal.
The staff member realized one day that he could swing on the artificial vines on the tree in the habitat. He got quite good at it, and would at times swing out so far that he would leave the gorilla enclosure. The head zookeeper didnt care because he knew the gorilla was really a man in a gorilla suit, so he let it continue. The public loved it, thinking that a real gorilla was actually getting out of the enclosure, it heightened their sense of enjoyment.
One fateful day, when the staff member gave a particularly vigorous swing, his momentum carried him quite far out of the range of the gorilla enclosure. In fact, he realized he was directly over the lion habitat. At that moment, the artifical vine snapped, and he tumbled down through the air. He landed flat on his back, knocking the wind out of him.
The lone lion saw the gorilla fall, and sprang over with a roar. The man in the gorilla suit was terrified, and as his breath returned to him, he began to yell for help. "SAVE ME!!! I'M NOT A REAL GORILLA!!!" he yelled. At that moment, the lion moved his jaws towards the monkey head, opened his mouth and said...
"Shut up you idiot, or we will both lose our jobs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ri7lj/a_gorilla_that_swung_too_far/
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A 10-year old boy heard some screaming and rustling coming from his parent's room...

Thinking there is something wrong, he rushes in and sees his dad sweating and panting, and his mom turning red with embarrassment.
"What are you doing?" Asked the boy.
"Playing poker." Replied the dad.
"Oh, but what's mom doing here?"
The dad thinks about it, and replies, "she's my wild card, and you have to have a wild card to play poker."
Satisfied, he leaves the room. Halfway down the hall he hears similar screams and sounds coming from his grandparent's room, so he bursts in and sees his grandpa and grandma both naked and holding each other.
"Now what are you doing?" Asked the boy.
"I'm playing poker." Said the grandpa.
"And what about grandma?"
The grandpa thinks about it, and replies, "well, she's my wild card, and you have to have a wild card to play poker."
The boy turns and goes back to his room...
The house fills with screaming and groaning. The dad and grandpa run into the hallway and open the little boys room where the sounds are coming from.
"What are you doing in here?!?!" Asked the dad.
"I'm playing poker!" Said The boy.
"But you need to have a wild card to play poker." Said the grandpa.
The boy ponders on this and answers, "Not if you have a good hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ri63f/a_10year_old_boy_heard_some_screaming_and/
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The local police station got broke into today and they stole all the toilets...

The police have got nothing to go on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ri59o/the_local_police_station_got_broke_into_today_and/
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Wife wanted.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ri4dx/wife_wanted/
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What results when you cross a Hippo and a Crocodile?

Pretty sure you die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ri48f/what_results_when_you_cross_a_hippo_and_a/
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A girl at work asks if I think she's a 10...

I said "you're an 11."
"Aww really?" she says with a huge smile.
I said "yeah , you've got a great personality as well and that adds at least 10 points."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ri033/a_girl_at_work_asks_if_i_think_shes_a_10/
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A nun asks another

What would you do if someone with bad intentions gets ahold of you?
Nun: I would lift up my dress
Other Nun: Oh my! What would you do then?
Nun: I would ask him to put his pants down
Other Nun: Wow. I didn't expect this from you. What would you do after?
Nun: I would run away. I bet I can run faster lifting my skirt than he can with his pants down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhyy4/a_nun_asks_another/
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A guy and a girl go on a first date.

They go to the carnival that is in town. The guy asks her, what's the first thing you want to do? She says to get weighed.  He's says alright let's go, takes her to the carny that that will guess her weight. The carny guesses 108lbs, she says he's wrong that she's 112lbs. So she gets to pick out a stuffy.
So the guy asks her, now what would you like to do? She replies, get weighed. He thinks to himself that's odd but ok, proceeds to take her to the weigh booth again. The carny guesses her weight at 112lbs. No stuffy for her.
He then asks her, now what do you want do? She replies again, get weighed. He figures this chick is crazy and this date is going no where so he calls it a night, drives her home and tells her this just won't work.
The girl walks into her apartment and her roommate asks her, how did the date go? She replies, wousy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhyal/a_guy_and_a_girl_go_on_a_first_date/
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How do oysters get around?

In mussel cars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhxpe/how_do_oysters_get_around/
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I've got a part time job making rubberised computer keyboards.

They offer flexible shifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhxou/ive_got_a_part_time_job_making_rubberised/
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A tragic case of malpractice and injustice

So this unfortunate fellow comes down with gangrene and goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that the leg will have to be removed. After the operation the man wakes up and to his horror the doctor had amputated the wrong leg. Of course the doctor had to go back in immediately and take off the correct leg. Months later the malpractice case was brought to court but the judge threw it out immediately as the plaintiff didn't have a leg to stand on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhtg6/a_tragic_case_of_malpractice_and_injustice/
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How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition?

I don't know, it was countless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhtci/how_many_vampires_showed_up_to_the_garlic_eating/
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Finally, i can play Golf in peace.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well...we were married for 35 years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhs2z/finally_i_can_play_golf_in_peace/
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Trump hosts Putin for a state dinner at The White House

When a guest asks "Mr. President, what have the two of you been discussing all day?", to which Trump responds "Planning World War 3." The guest asks "What will that be like?" Trump: "We're going to kill 4 million muslims and one dentists." The guest appears confued and asks "But why one dentist?", when Putin leans over, slaps Trump on the shoulder and says: "See Donald, what did I tell you - no one will ask about the Muslims."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhnlk/trump_hosts_putin_for_a_state_dinner_at_the_white/
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When I was born my father said "Now I'm certain I want two children!"

I was the third.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhneg/when_i_was_born_my_father_said_now_im_certain_i/
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I wasn't sure about how to ask the love of my life to marry me

So, I decided to ask her husband for advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhjp9/i_wasnt_sure_about_how_to_ask_the_love_of_my_life/
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What's the difference between Karl Marx and Donald Trump?

Trump only advocates the seizing of a *woman's* means of production

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhh3v/whats_the_difference_between_karl_marx_and_donald/
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Some people worry drinking in the shower is a sign of alcoholism

I just worry about keeping the water out of my beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhgh4/some_people_worry_drinking_in_the_shower_is_a/
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Marriage is like blackjack

. You can either hit or stay, but you can't do both

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhg5v/marriage_is_like_blackjack/
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Two firefighters

are butt fucking in a smoke filled room. The chief walks in and yells,"what the fuck is going on in here?" The one firefighter says," he was suffering from smoke inhalation." So the fire chief asks," why didn't you try mouth to mouth?" The firefighter says," how the hell do you think this got started!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhf42/two_firefighters/
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A zebra dies and goes to heaven

The zebra meets God and asks him the one true question that he's been wondering his whole life.
"God, am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes?"
God responds, "You are who you are."
It was then that the zebra knew he was white with black stripes. If he was black with white stripes, God would have told him, "You is who you is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhdmz/a_zebra_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Why did the Frenchman put snails in his gas tank?

To make escargot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rhb05/why_did_the_frenchman_put_snails_in_his_gas_tank/
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Little Matt is doing his math homework ...

Little Matt is doing his math homework, with his dad watching the news, not far away in the living room. “2 plus 3, the son of bitch is 5”. His dad thinks he misheard, so he doesn’t say anything. His son, very applied, goes on with his questions sheet. “4 plus 5, the son of bitch is 9”.
His dad is definitely sure of what he just heard, but as he’s ready to ask, little Matt answers the next: “1 plus 6, the son of bitch is 7”.
-	“Matt, stop! What’s going on there?”
-	“Nothing dad, just doing my homework”
-	“Yeah, but what did you just say?”
-	“I said, ‘the son of bitch is’, as the teacher taught us, dad”
His father is livid. He won't allow cursing in his house. He calls little Matt’s teacher and has Matt repeat how he does math. The teacher laughs and tells the father “I see! When I give them an example on the board, I say ‘1 plus 1, the sum of which is 2”.
The father, confused, replied “anyway, thanks for letting me know. But I am still wondering where this little son of a bitch got that type of language from.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rh6w4/little_matt_is_doing_his_math_homework/
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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee...

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rh5mj/walking_home_after_a_girls_night_out_two_women/
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It's a medical breakthrough!

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver put it into another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took a part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. About a week ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him our President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rh4k6/its_a_medical_breakthrough/
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What are the two most important holes in a womans body?

No!! Not them you dirty bastards!!!!
Its her nostrils...they allow her to breathe while she's sucking your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rh2d5/what_are_the_two_most_important_holes_in_a_womans/
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There's a rumor going around that someone in my group of friends is gay...

I hope it's Josh, he's pretty cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rgzp3/theres_a_rumor_going_around_that_someone_in_my/
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I'm thinking about moving to Switzerland...

For a couple of reasons, but their flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rgz1l/im_thinking_about_moving_to_switzerland/
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What kind of table is good for your health?

A vegetable!
This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!
It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rgvpn/what_kind_of_table_is_good_for_your_health/
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How does Princess Leia like her showers?

Lukewarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rguez/how_does_princess_leia_like_her_showers/
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Little Johnnie and Uncle Ron's morals.

Little Johnnie was in his 4th grade class one day when his teacher gave them an assignment.
"Okay kids, tonight you have a homework assignment, go home and ask your families to tell you a story that has a moral", the teacher said.
The next day little Johnnie is sitting in class when he was called upon to share his moral.
"Do you have a story Johnnie?", she asked.
"Yes ma'am", he replied. "My Uncle Ron told me a story of when he was in the war.  He said he was in a chopper on the way to an evac zone when the chopper pilot was shot and wounded.  As the chopper went down Uncle Ron found a case of whiskey and started drinking.  When the chopper landed a platoon of enemy soldiers came out of the tree line and started attacking!  Uncle Ron finished the last bottle of whiskey, jumped out of the chopper and killed half of the platoon with his rifle in a long heated battle. When he ran out of ammo he charged in head first and beat the other half of the platoon to death with his bare hands!  He then loaded the wounded in the chopper and jumped in the pilot's seat, with no training whatsoever he flew the chopper out of the area and to safety!"
"Oh, uhhh, oh my." She said noticeably flustered. "Well, is the moral of the story how in the face of great adversity people can overcome anything?"
Little Johnnie replied, "Face of gre... no, the moral of the story is don't fuck with Uncle Ron when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rgqjm/little_johnnie_and_uncle_rons_morals/
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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rgqgv/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
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TIFU by accidentally giving my girlfriend my sandwich that had extra cheese when she's lactose intolerant

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rgnwe/tifu_by_accidentally_giving_my_girlfriend_my/
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My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rgmgo/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_cause_i_stole_her/
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Why did a banana go to the doctor?

because he wasnt.. peeling well hahahah
(ill find the door)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rgjqb/why_did_a_banana_go_to_the_doctor/
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What do you call the hair on a cows lip?

A Moo-stache.
> The perks of having too much free time in a call center.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rgfog/what_do_you_call_the_hair_on_a_cows_lip/
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My girlfriend often accuses me of telling sexist, condescending jokes that target women.

I've explained to her those jokes are actually ironic jabs at the current state of post-modern feminism, designed to highlight societal double standards across genders.
So she needn't worry her pretty little head about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rgfnj/my_girlfriend_often_accuses_me_of_telling_sexist/
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What is Snoop's favorite contraction?

We'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rgdgs/what_is_snoops_favorite_contraction/
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MI6 is Hiring

MI6 needed a new recruit, they had thousands of applicants. Needing only one person, they held multiple tests, and interviews, until they finally narrowed it down to these last three men, an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman.
The Chief of MI6 had one final test. A test that would surely be able to leave them with one man at the most.
He invites the Englishman to a room, this room had two doors, one where they entered and another directly behind the chief. In the middle, between the doors was a desk, where the Chief sat.
"Morning lad", Said the director, "What exactly are you prepared to do for your country?"
"Anything you tell me to do", he said proudly.
"Good.", the chief responded. He slid a handgun across the desk, toward the recruit.
"Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and kill her."
The young man took the gun and slowly walked in the room. Minutes pass, and he eventually walks out and gives the weapon back.
"I'm sorry, I can't do it. I've just married her and I can't let her go."
"That's fine," the Director answered. "You're excused."
The Irishman comes in next, an older chap. The same scenario plays out, gun is handed to him, he is told his wife is in the next room, he enters and shuts the door behind himself and after a few minutes pass he eventually comes out.
"I can't do it", says the older recruit, "I've been married for two years, she's my wife and the mother of my children."
The director excuses him, and in comes the Scotsman.
"We have one last test", Said the director.
"Yeah, what is it, then?", he said.
He slides the gun across the desk. "Your wife is in the next room. Go kill her."
"The misses?" He asked.
The director nodded. The * went in the room, closed the door, and barely time has passed before shots are heard.
BANG... BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
A few more seconds pass.
CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH
The Scott stumbles out, exhausted. The Chief stands up.
"What the bloody hell was that all about?!", he asked in a panic.
"Well, ya see", he explained," the blasted gun was filled with blanks so I had to use the chair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rgbnv/mi6_is_hiring/
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Difference between twins

I've fucked a set of twins.
People have asked me how hard it was to tell them apart, but it was actually quite easy. You see, Caroline was a redhead with an amazing pair of tits,
And frank had a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rg5gg/difference_between_twins/
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Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime.

Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rg42x/teach_a_man_to_fish_and_hell_be_able_to_eat_for_a/
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi hear about a bear causing trouble in the woods nearby.

The three men, friendly rivals, decide among themselves that what this bear needs to be soothed is some religion, so they declare it a contest to see who can convert it. They draw straws, and the Catholic priest is the first to try.
He heads into the woods, and comes back three hours later with a few claw swipes across his face and hands, and tells the other two, "I read from the Catechism, and the bear seemed to enjoy that, but when I sprinkled him with holy water, he tried to maul me, and I ran!"
The Protestant minister is the second to go, and he's gone all evening, meeting his friends the next afternoon, with a bandage around his head and a broken leg. He says to them, "I found the bear by the river, and I preached to him from God's holy word, and he was as gentle as a lamb, until I tried to baptize him in the river; he nearly bit my head off and I had to bolt for my life!"
Lastly went the Jewish Rabbi, off into the woods. His friends hear nothing from him for two days, until they receive the word that he's in hospital. They rush over to find him in the ICU, a cast covering most of his body, and vicious wounds all over the rest of him. They frantically ask him what happened, and between laboured breaths through the ventilator, he mutters, "You know, thinking about it, I probably shouldn't've opened with the circumcision.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rg13m/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_hear_about_a_bear/
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Rumor has it there's a basketball court on the roof of the Supreme Court building.

It's the highest court in the land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rg0tp/rumor_has_it_theres_a_basketball_court_on_the/
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What is the difference between me and trash?

Nobody takes me out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfxz5/what_is_the_difference_between_me_and_trash/
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I went to the doctors about my hearing..

I went to the doctors about my hearing and the doctors asked me "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Yeah, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfw2q/i_went_to_the_doctors_about_my_hearing/
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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfvvt/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i/
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree.
He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfvt7/a_young_man_goes_into_a_drug_store_to_buy_condoms/
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A couple of years ago I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

A couple of years ago I was about to propose to my girlfriend when all of a sudden my friend Joseph came barging through the door, tripping directly upon my glass coffee table, broken glass all over his face. This completely ruined the mood. Now I haven't known Joe for very long at this point, hell I didn't even know where he was from, but this put my romantic plans on hold while we helped him through his injuries.
Joseph had got glass in his left eye, rendering the eye completely useless. He had to walk around for months with one of those cotton patches on while it healed. Then out of nowhere this bastard just disappeared... With my girlfriend!
Apparently through his struggling time after the injuries, they had became very close, they left me behind without as much as even a single note. I tried tracking them down through out the years but I've had no such luck.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfuho/a_couple_of_years_ago_i_was_about_to_propose_to/
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Where do dogs go when they lose their tail?

To the retail store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfs8v/where_do_dogs_go_when_they_lose_their_tail/
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I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar

I was charged with child molassation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfowt/i_got_arrested_the_other_day_after_police_found/
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Noticing a woman sitting alone at a table in a bar...

.. a man goes over to chat with her. After talking to her for a while he makes his move.
"Stop!" says the woman as the man tries to kiss her. "I'm sorry but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I truly love."
"Wow", says the man, "that must be difficult."
"It's not too bad", replied the woman. "My husband's quite upset though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfoh5/noticing_a_woman_sitting_alone_at_a_table_in_a_bar/
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I told my teacher to tell a joke

He said "Want me to announce your grades?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfl6o/i_told_my_teacher_to_tell_a_joke/
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Holmes and Watson were investigating a murder at an archaeological dig-site

Holmes picks up several of the rocks and pebbles surrounding the murder victim. After a while, Holmes turns to his companion and says "I've cracked the case. The suspect was clearly murdered with a blow to the head by a rock, which then crumbled and scattered into pieces."
"How on Earth can you tell?" exclaims Watson.
"It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfkrc/holmes_and_watson_were_investigating_a_murder_at/
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I'm not addicted to drinking brake fluid....

I can stop any time I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfkmx/im_not_addicted_to_drinking_brake_fluid/
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Two silk worms are in a wrestling match

It ended in a tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfkds/two_silk_worms_are_in_a_wrestling_match/
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They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"

They are darn right,
that field isn't hiring!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfk23/they_said_find_something_you_love_to_do_and_you/
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My grandfather had a heart of a lion...

and also a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfix3/my_grandfather_had_a_heart_of_a_lion/
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A monster in london

By the 15th century, the Templar Knights had disappeared, but deep in the bowels of the British Museum in a case well sealed and protected lies a strange memorial to their impact on the city of London.
London of the early 12th century was on its way to becoming an impressive city, but its life and its blood was the Thames River. Without the river commerce would grind to a halt as the people of London discovered to their horror in 1216.
The first ships seemed simply to have disappeared, but the monster wasted little time in this caution. Soon, many Londoners had seen the gaping maw licked by flames dragging a hapless crew to its death. It was a fire salamander, and in the Autumn of 1216 it was estimated to be 40 feet long with jaws that gaped 10 feet wide.
By the spring of 1217, the monster was no longer a nuisance, it was a deadly plague. No boat could navigate the Thames… no raft was small enough, no ship was large enough to resist the demon of the Thames. Worse, the beast was growing! The latest reports called it 70 feet long with jaws opening 15 feet. Our instinct is to discount this absurd growth, and yet few could impeach its source.
He, our source, enters the story in August of 1217. London had begged, prayed, blasphemed, and killed in desperate attempts to exorcise or appease their curse; to no avail. On June 14, four men painted themselves with the Devil’s Cross and proclaimed themselves the Dark Priests of the Beast. They built a ship and doused it in oil; then, they sailed it down the river. Dark Priests they may have been, but they died screaming like any man. On July 28, London sent three virgins (the youngest not yet 13) down the Thames to the monster. It was thought that this would appease the evil god: the monster’s hunger exceeded even this atrocity.
On August 23, our source received his summons. His given name is lost in his chosen name: Honorus. He was a Templar Knight and possibly a saint. That morning, he was commanded to destroy the beast.
London in fear and desperation had turned to their most jealous weapon, the Templars… warrior monks who fought with the fierce, perhaps fanatic, frenzy of the devout. The city had exhausted all other options; the monks were its last hope, and Honorus was the greatest of the Knights.
The battle was truly a footnote to his preparation… Honorus ventured into the woods upstream from London. He forsook shelter, clothing, food, and sleep for four days, meditating on the coming struggle. When the four days ended, he stalked and killed a stag without weapon or aid. With the skin of the stag he made clothing; from its flesh he regained his strength; and with its guts, he lashed five logs into a raft fit for his purpose.
Honorus set the raft in motion. He had outfitted himself with the only item he would use in this fight which had not come out of the forest with him. A sword of Spanish steel, blue with the sky, lay in his lap. Soon, he felt the swell of the water disturb his raft: the monster was coming, yet he sat unmoving.
The beast broke the surface.
No human is perfect; a splinter of the collapsing raft clipped Honorus’ left foot as he leapt into the water. He had timed his jump slightly too late, but no matter, the injury will not be important until after the battle.
The monster was above the water only momentarily; time enough for Honorus to drive his sword between two of its scales. The monster thrashed in pain, turning its exposed flesh from the steaming water. Honorus was lifted from the water as the beast rolled. He gauged his stroke and leapt, striking the monster’s eye.
Angered and half blinded, the beast threw Honorus into the river and grasped him in its immense jaws. Honorus swam quickly past the teeth into the monster’s mouth. Inside, the questing tongue scalded his feet as he searched for purchase again, and we shall ignore this injury for now.
Once he had braced himself inside the beast’s mouth, pushing with all his strength against the slowly rising tongue, he took aim. Honorus had time to make only one thrust.
When his journal recalls these events, it attributes Honorus’ “luck” in this battle to aid from the Divine. We do not wish to detract from the glory of God, but surely He will not envy His servant. Is it coincidence that Honorus’ blade struck true to the brain? Honorus had already studied carefully the anatomy of the salamander a week before he was summoned to fight the beast. Did Honorus not know that the water’s rush against the beast’s exposed flank would cause it such pain? In his journal, “August 24: And once I am atop the beast and it has rolled from the water, where then to strike?”
Two weeks after Honorus was told to lift the curse of London, the beast was dead. The next day London celebrated Honorus; the town would live because of him. Three days later, gratitude had disappeared.
The body of the beast had lodged itself firmly in the mire less than half a mile downstream of London. Although it was yet intact (perhaps due to its incredible armor), it would surely soon rot. While not so great a terror, the rotting beast would be almost as dangerous as the live beast, attracting disease and scavengers. No ship could move the carcass. The people of London called upon Honorus.
Honorus’ solution was difficult but practical, and he began as soon as he had retrieved his sword. He fasted for two days; then, he ate the cooked meat of the huge salamander and fasted for a third day. When he suffered no ill effects, Honorus began dissecting the beast. With the help of London, Honorus soon had all the usable meat and intestines of the dead beast transformed into sausage.
A bizarre solution it was, but a good one. The sausage was soon discovered to be excellent and to keep easily for very long periods of time. Even more important, the sausage fast became incredibly popular throughout England and much of Europe. It began to reestablish the fame of London’s trade after the Hiatus of the Beast.
Still, Honorus has one final contribution to this history… It became vital that everyone knew from whence the incredible sausage of London came, and thus we return to Honorus’ injuries.
After the battle with the live beast and the crisis of the dead beast, Honorus took time to recover. Six weeks after he was first summoned, he was dressing the injuries on his feet. The problems of London were known to him. As he dipped a strip of paper like gauze into a healing salve, he had a thought.
One week later, each sausage shipped from London carried a fascinating new development: a label. Just as the gauze dried and closed on Honorus’ foot, the parchment around these sausages was attached; and all would know the fame of London from each link she sold.
In the end, despite all his other feats, it was this idea, the product label, that survived Honorus. In tribute to this advance, the British Museum houses the only known surviving label from Honorus’ sausages. And although even the tough gut of the Beast has long since faded to dust, the label may still be read. If our reader could go to the Museum and enter the Medieval wing’s most treasured collection, she could still read, in faint letters, the Label of Honor:… It Was The Beast Of Thames, It Was The Wurst Of Thames…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfiij/a_monster_in_london/
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the pink gorilla

Here it is, the one that started r/feghoot.
So a man is on a business trip through Romania. He had missed the train and so had to take his car instead. His car was around 20 years old and was not really up to the trip, but needing to close a deal for his company, he was determined to make it there on time.
So he started to drive down the highway. He spent an hour or so on the freeway and things were going well but he saw ahead there was a large backup in traffic. Not knowing how long this jam would take he uses his phone's gps to find an alternate route.
He exits the freeway and starts down a long two lane road that began to wind through the mountains. After many miles he begins to question weather this was really the best road he could have taken, but the gps said that in another 30 miles he would re-join the highway, so he continued on.
As he was driving he encountered a very steep climb up through a mountain pass. As he reached the top he heard a loud bang and the vehicle shook violently. He coasted just enough to make it over the pass and start downhill. He stopped at the peak of the climb and opened up the hood and being not very mechanically inclined, he had no idea what was wrong.
He got back in the car and tried to start the car but it just would not start. So he decided to try and coast down the hill and see how far he could get, or possibly come across a petrol station.
He coasted down the hill for almost a full mile and as it flattened out, slowly the car rolled to a halt. Having seen nothing within the Last ten miles he decides to try and call a towing company to get his car, but his phone has no signal and is almost dead.
So having seen nothing in the last 20 miles, he decides to lock his car and continue on foot to see if he can find someone with a phone.
He continues on foot for several miles till he sees a small driveway which shows no signs of recent use. He decides it's worth a shot to go check this out. He walks down this driveway for at least half a mile before he finds a massive iron gate connected to a large stone wall on each side. As he approaches the gate, the gate creaks and squeaks and slowly opens inward.
A bit startled, he cautiously walks through the gate and continues down the path. He hears a noise behind him and he turns to see the gate slowly swing shut and close with a loud bang. The man jumps at the sound and decides this wasn't the best idea, so he runs quickly back to the gate, but it is shut and refuses to open.
He decides to continue on and go find the house on this property. He walks for another 5 minutes before seeing a massive mansion looming in front of him. The front doors must have been 20 feet tall, and there were hundreds of windows and it was 8 stories tall with a tower on the far right side of the house.
The man slowly walks up the massive stone steps and through the huge pillars and right up to the large wooden doors. He finds the courage to grab the massive lions head knocker and knock on the door. Supprisingly quickly a short man in a butlers uniform opens the door.
"can I help you?" asks the butler
"yes I was looking for a telephone. My car broke down and I don't have cell signal and..."
"follow me." said the butler, sternly cutting him off.
He follows the small butler into the largest foyer he has ever seen with rich thick red carpets on the floor and gigantic iron chandeliers hanging from a ceiling so high it reminded him of a Gothic cathedral he had seen many years ago in Italy.
The butler shows him the telephone and telephone book and leaves him to call the towing company. The towing company is quite busy and because of the distance to his car from any major town, they are not able to send a truck till the next morning.
"what did they say?" asked the butler.
"they can't send a truck till tomorrow. Is there a chance I could mayb..."
"Right this way, we have many guest bedrooms." says the butler cutting him off again.
He follows the butler down a long hallway lined with suits of armour and shields with different coats of arms.
"geez," says the man, chuckling to himself, "do you have talking teacups and a monster for a Master?"
The butler responded with silence as he continued to lead him through the mansion. Finally, after what seemed like ages, they reached a lavishly decorated bedroom with a large four post bedroom and a Supprisingly large and modern bathroom.
"we have a full buffet just down at the end of the hall to your right, but before anything else, I need to show you something."
The butler then takes him back to the main foyer. He walks up to a giant Fireplace. He pushes on a big stone on the corner of the hearth and the back wall of the fireplace slides away to reveal a passage. He walks down this passage turns a corner goes down a set of stairs around another corner, back up some stairs and through a large door with a big brass knob.
In the middle of the room was a big cage with a pink gorilla sitting in one corner.
"you must never touch the pink gorilla!" said the butler as he quickly turned and ushered the man back through the doorway, down the stairs, around the corner, up the stairs, around the corner, down the hallway and out the fireplace.
The butler then quickly walked away and disappeared through a door that then locked.
Not sure what to think, the man goes back to his room and takes a long shower. After his shower, he goes to bed and tries to sleep, but he can't stop thinking about the pink gorilla. Why would that butler even show him the gorilla? It's not like he would have found the cage by accident.
He eventually decides he wants to go take another look. not to touch, but just to look. He had been going over the image of that gorilla in his mind and he couldn't decide if what he saw was real or not.
So he crept out of his room and down to the foyer. The fireplace was closed and he knew he would have to push the secret rock, but he didn't want to alert the butler or anyone else in the house. He tries to carefully push the button, making as little noise as possi...
SHHHOOOK BAM!
He froze and looked around to see if the loud noise woke anyone. Luckily it seems that no one heard or cared and so he slowly entered through the fireplace and walked slowly down the hallway. He went around the corner at the end of the hallway, down the stairs, around the other corner, up the stairs and then slowly turned the big brass doorknob.
The door opened with a loud creak and revealed the large cage with the pink gorilla now sitting in a different corner. He slowly walked around the cage untill he was at a point where the gorilla was a mere arms length from the cage bars. The pink gorilla was sitting there snoring, sleeping like a baby. By this time, the man had decided he had to find out what would happen if he touched the gorilla. So he slowly reached in the cage and softly poked the gorilla in the arm. He stood there waiting for the gorilla to react but nothing happened. So he reached out and poked the gorilla a bit harder. This time the gorilla moved to scratch the spot he had touched.
The gorilla then awoke. Sniffing his arm he uttered a low guttural growl. The man quickly withdrew his arm and headed for the door. The gorilla then released a long loud cry and started going crazy at the bars of the cage. He started actually bending the bars, getting it close to where he could actually get out. Then he ripped one of the bard off and howled again. At this point, the man, terrified, started sprinting out the door. He ran as fast as he could, down the stairs, around the corner, up the stairs. As he reached the top step he could hear the gorilla starting down the stairs behind him. He ran even faster down the hallway and out the fireplace.
He frantically started mashing the secret stone to get the fireplace to close. And as if in slow motion the back began to slide back in place. It moved so slowly that the man wasn't sure it would close in time. As bit was half closed he saw the gorilla round the last corner. In a mad hope to get it to close faster he started mashing the button again but to no avail.
Just as the massive stone was about to close the gorilla puts his hand in the small Crack left open. He slowly started pulling the large stone wall back open. Terrified, the man ran out the front door and sprinted back down the driveway. He came to the iron gate and again it wouldn't open for him. So he began to climb.
He got to the top and as he climbed over he heard the gorilla's cry and being so startled he fell down on the other side of the gate tearing his new clothes in the process. He stumbled down the driveway towards the main road and as he looked back he saw the gorilla climbing up the gate.
Running as hard as he could he ran back to the main road and then back towards his car, the gorilla not far behind. He finally reaches his car exhausted, he tries to start his car but it just won't start. The gorilla running up to the car as he tries again to start the car. The gorilla roars and the man reaches over and pushes down the lock by his shoulder and tries again in vain to start the car.
The gorilla then starts to push and rock the car, violently shaking the car. He eventually rips off the driver side door. The gorilla then leans down and roars right in the man's cowering head, spewing phlegm all over his face and shoulders. The gorilla then reaches his arm into the car and pokes the man in the shoulder and says,
"you're it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfhvu/the_pink_gorilla/
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A cowboy walks into a deserted saloon...

And there's no tinkling waltz on the piano, no gentle buzzing about the days activities, it's empty. A mournful bartender polishes an immaculate glass and halfheartedly waves away a fat, clueless fly.
The cowboy sidled into a stool and fished a coin out of his pocket. He flicked it with his thumb, and it sang in the air before ringing out on the wooden bar.
"Say friend, you got a whiskey?"
The coin rattles to a stop, and the bartender looks up with a patient smile.
"That is," says the cowboy, "if you're not too busy."
"No sir," says the barman. "Never too busy." He pops the top off a dark bottle of rye and pours a generous glass.
The cowboy throws it back, licks his lips, and says, "My, my, my. Doesn't do any good in the bottle, does it?"
"I suppose it doesn't," says the bartender.
The fly buzzes by.
"Well!" says the cowboy, clearly itching for company. "Where in the Sam Hell is everybody?"
"Oh," says the bartender, "they're all at the hangin'."
"Hangin'?
"Hangin'."
The cowboy motions for another belt of brown, and the bartender obliges.
"Now who might they be hangin' today?"
The bartender puts his rag on his shoulder, looks the cowboy straight in the eye and says, "Sir, today they're hangin' none other than 'Brown Paper Pete'."
"Brown Paper Pete?"
"The very same."
The cowboy points to the now empty glass and makes the international 'just one more' gesture.
"That's an interesting name, isn't it?"
"It does have an air about it, sir."
"Now why do you suppose they call him that?"
"Well sir," says the bartender, "they call him 'Brown Paper Pete' because he wears a brown paper hat."
"Does he now?"
"He does."
"And if it rains?"
"He wears it all the same."
"My goodness."
"That ain't the half of it, sir! See, he also wears himself a brown paper shirt."
"A shirt?"
"And a brown paper tie. Both of which are firmly ensconced in a well-fitted brown paper frock coat. Do you want me to tell you about his pants?"
"I think I have a pretty fair idea," says the cowboy. "Would it be presumptive of me to assume that they are made of brown paper as well?"
"They are indeed. And he has a nice pair of brown paper boots, and a fine set of brown paper socks."
"It appears," says the cowboy, "that this outlaw's sobriquet is well-earned!"
"Now I don't know what that specifically means, sir. But I'll wager I agree."
The cowboy sips in silence.
The fly makes another round.
The bartender goes back to polishing the gleaming glass.
"So!" says the cowboy. "What are they hangin' him for?"
The bartender puts down the glass, wipes a smudge from the bar, looks up at the cowboy and says,
"Rustlin'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfg46/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_deserted_saloon/
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I have one advice to the people of /r/NoFap

Go fuck yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rffwl/i_have_one_advice_to_the_people_of_rnofap/
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A man wakes up in a dingy slum

with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."
EDIT 2: To people screaming repost, i gave credit to  u/insolent_swine in the comments. I just did it here, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rfftk/a_man_wakes_up_in_a_dingy_slum/
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The old man, the prince, and the fish.

Once upon a time, there was a prince of a certain land, who wanted to be a lowly fisherman when he grew up. But try as he could, he couldn't ever catch a single fish. He had tried many methods, including nets, spears, and traps, but all to no avail.
Furthermore, he was looked down upon by the rest of his family. While he should have been heir to the throne, he spent so much time trying to fish and failing that he was unsuited to the position. Furthermore, he had hardly wanted to become king anyway, and saw no real need for him to fill the position. Eventually, his family disowned him and he had to live his own life in a small hut.
One day, he met an old man by the lake shore, who was hungry and begging. The prince was down to his last few coins in his purse, but he gave them to the old man anyway. Not entirely out of altruism, mind you. He simply thought the old man would be able to have more use with the money than he would, considering what a failure he was at fishing.
The old man looked up at him and smiled, asking him "I see you have a fishing net. Would you like to learn the secret to fishing?"
The prince, obviously just having given away absolutely everything, had little choice but to agree. So obviously, he did.
The old man told him, "Come closer."
The prince did so.
The old man whispered in his ear, "Beyond the desert to the east is a huge ocean where the water is sweet and bubbling. Many fish swim in it, for there are plenty of nutrients in the water. You will surely get some fish there."
The prince said, "I understand," and started to set off.
The old man called after him, "Wait, you'll need this!" and gave the prince a fishing pole.
"This fishing pole is enchanted. It will draw fish towards it. You'll see."
The prince scrounged up what he could for the journey. He took the last of the bread he had, some water from the lake, and left his hut abandoned.
He started crossing the desert. The blistering heat beat down on him. Halfway through the desert, he noticed someone was following him. He turned towards them and asked if they had brought any water with them.
"Yes, but you haven't kept up your interest payments. Pay me and I'll throw in the water as a free bonus. Otherwise, I guess you won't be needing your left hand."
True to the old man's word, the fishing rod had indeed attracted a loan-shark (though the prince didn't realize this at the time). Not wanting to be killed or tortured or whatnot, the prince quickly thought up a plan.
"Yes, it's right here," he said, rummaging through his bag.
He took out the stale bread, which had hardened to a brick, and threw it at the shark, stunning him for a moment.
He turned and fled, running through the desert. His throat was parching, and every step he took against the slippery sands seemed to resist him all the way. Meanwhile, the loan-shark was calmly walking towards him.
Somehow, the prince managed to outrun the loan-shark. He made it to the edge of the bubbling ocean, as the old man had predicted. There, he saw a boat with some fishing supplies in them. He climbed in and started to figure out how to use the fishing rod.
True to the old man's word, the moment he cast his hook into the bubbling, fizzy waters, strange fish did indeed start biting almost immediately. He ended pulling fish after fish after hefty fish into his boat; so much so that he almost capsized. But in the end, he rowed back to shore, and thought that he should set up his home here.
He built a fire, cooked one of the fish, and took a bite out of it.
It was the most delicious thing he had ever tasted.
Several months passed, and the prince was able to live a happy life. Many travellers who passed by enjoyed his fish and paid a high price for it. So much so, that he eventually started up a trading company specializing in the fish. Then people wanted to be employed, so he had to build houses for them too. The prince's company soon turned into a town, into a city, and he had almost supreme authority.
One day, however, the aforementioned loan-shark arrived at the new palace. He was shown the way to the prince (who was basically now king but didn't realize it), and said "Now that you're king, you can pay me all that money you owed! Remember, of course that the rate was normally 8% per month, but since you're a king, it's 8% per day!"
The prince, realizing what had happened, fell to his knees and cried:
"Is this the reel life? Is this just Fanta sea?
Caught in sand, lied; no escape from regality"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rffjd/the_old_man_the_prince_and_the_fish/
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A World Wide Survey....

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rff6c/a_world_wide_survey/
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2 original jokes

Here's 2 (bad) jokes I made up a few years ago. With all the reposts on here some new ones might be nice even if they are bad!
1. What do you call a long snake-like poo? A Poothon
2. A family of poothons were floating down a river.
The son poothon asks his mother "dad told me that we're just a by-product of the human digestive system, is that true?"
The mother replies "don't listen to him, he's just talking shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rf93b/2_original_jokes/
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Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device.

You could say I killed two birds with one drone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rf86w/yesterday_i_killed_a_pair_of_pigeons_with_an/
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What type of joke is the best joke?

A Communist joke, because everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rf5x1/what_type_of_joke_is_the_best_joke/
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Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rf33c/dad_what_does_it_feel_like_having_an_awesome_son/
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My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rf224/my_dad_always_told_me_he_never_made_the_same/
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A priest had a speaking parrot

One night when the priest went on vacation a burglar broke into his house. Trying to be as sneaky as possible he didn't used his flashlight. Suddenly he heard a voice say:" Jesus sees you!" He quickly turned on his flashlight and looked around. When he saw the parrot the parrot again said:" Jesus sees you!" The burglar asked the parrot:" Who are you little Buddy?" The parrot answered:" I'm Josef." The burglar laughed:" What idiot names his parrot Josef?" The parrot answered:" The same Idiot who named his pitbull Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rf0xl/a_priest_had_a_speaking_parrot/
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The CIA, GIGN and KGB......

are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rf0cu/the_cia_gign_and_kgb/
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A guy wanted a bigger dick..

A guy wanted a bigger dick and so he look around online for ways to get one. After a few hours of vigorous "searching", he found one. A guru that lived at the top of a mountain. So, excited at the chance of getting a big-ass dick, he set out. When he reached the base of the mountain, he saw a river that seemed to lead to the top, so he followed it. After reaching what seemed like the halfway point, he came across 2 gigantic rocks. They were blocking the path of the river. Determined to get a big one, he searched around for ways to get to the top, which he found in the form of a conveniently placed rope that went up to a cave. He climbed it and reached a shrine. Next to the shrine was a guru, meditating. He asked the guru," I heard you know how to get a bigger dick"
"Drink from the bottle beside the idol."    The guy drunk from it. Immediately, his dick got 7 inches bigger and his nuts became the size of a grapefruit. He, shocked, asked the guru," If you know this technique, why cant I see a bulge in your dhoti?" "The rope you climbed, that was my dick, and those rock, they were mine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5reylf/a_guy_wanted_a_bigger_dick/
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I like going for a jog at night

The fear of getting murdered really helps my stamina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rex2f/i_like_going_for_a_jog_at_night/
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They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rew51/they_say_you_cant_get_a_decent_job_without/
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Despair.

What a Jamaican gets when he's bowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5reqds/despair/
%
I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rekem/i_got_frostbite_and_had_part_of_my_foot_amputated/
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A teacher reminds her class for tomorrow's exam

A teacher reminds her class of the yearly test tomorrow.
"And remember class, there is no excuse for missing the test tomorrow, not a hurricane, not a funeral, not a nuclear attack, nothing!"
Little Johnny in the corner then pipes up and says
"What would happen if I came into class suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?
The whole class bursts into laughter. The teacher walks up to Johnny and smiles and says
"I'd guess you'd have to write the test left-handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5refoi/a_teacher_reminds_her_class_for_tomorrows_exam/
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Lauren was lying in bed

One night when she felt her husband's hand caressing her neck in a way she hadn't experienced in quite a while. Then it slid down her side, stopping at her knee, which was as far as her husband could reach. Then he moved close and did the same on her other side before abruptly stopping and moving away.
Delighted by this unexpected attention, Lauren whispered, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
He answered, ''I found the remote."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5redrr/lauren_was_lying_in_bed/
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There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring

. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5redix/there_was_a_church_that_had_a_bell_that_no_one/
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A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar

The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5recg9/a_pair_of_jumper_cables_walk_into_a_bar/
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Can’t believe how much my girlfriend is crying about her new haircut

Its much worse for me, I’m the one who’s gonna have to find a new girlfriend now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rebx4/cant_believe_how_much_my_girlfriend_is_crying/
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What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?

Phil Ming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5reamf/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_person_with_a_video/
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what do you call gangster spaghetti

spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5re972/what_do_you_call_gangster_spaghetti/
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What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5re8o5/what_do_you_call_a_magic_dog/
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West

. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5re8be/a_threelegged_dog_walks_into_a_saloon_in_the_old/
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What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both have to smell it but neither of them gets to eat it. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5re6hz/what_do_a_pizza_delivery_driver_and_a/
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A man with no hands walks into a palm reader's business

The palm reader looks at him and says, "well, I'm stumped."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5re6et/a_man_with_no_hands_walks_into_a_palm_readers/
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If I had a dollar for every time a woman didn't show interest in me

They'd probably eventually show interest in me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5re5u2/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_a_woman_didnt/
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Old guy buys a new sports car.....

And right after he leaves the salesroom, he floors the gas pedal making him zip in the road. He notices that a police car, with it's siren blaring so he really puts the pedal to the max. While in hot pursuit, he realizes that he's too old for this. So he pulls over, waiting for the cop to catch up to him. The cop finally approaches him, and tells him "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. It's C Christmas. If you can give me a good reason that you did this, i'll let you go." The man explained that his wife, many years ago she ran off for a policeman. i thought you were bringing her back. "Have a good day sir" Said the cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5re3lt/old_guy_buys_a_new_sports_car/
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Who's Going to Pay For the Wall?

Mexico
Mexic
Mexi
Mex
Me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5re2ro/whos_going_to_pay_for_the_wall/
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A driver is pulled over by a policeman....

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5re2cj/a_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_policeman/
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Went for a walk with the missus last night...

There's a beautiful spot on top of the hill not so far from here, on the way whilst walking down a quiet path she turned to me and said, "Give it to me, give it to me, I'm wet".
I stopped for a second and looked around, and then it dawned upon me "No fuck off, it's my umbrella".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5re240/went_for_a_walk_with_the_missus_last_night/
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If two people having sex is called a twosome.....

Then now i know why they call you handsome ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5re0we/if_two_people_having_sex_is_called_a_twosome/
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A man looking for his wife...

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5re0vw/a_man_looking_for_his_wife/
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A man went into a bar and sat infront of a bowl of pretzels...

"You have some very nice clothes" said the bowl of pretzels.
The man thinking he was hallucinating, ignored the bowl and called the waiter and ordered a margarita.
"Nice choice good sir" said the bowl of pretzels.
The man once again thinking he was hallucinating ignored the bowl of pretzels.
On recieving his drink he gave the waiter a dollar as thanks.
"You are quite generous my good sir" said the bowl of pretzels.
The man startled called the waiter, "I thought I was hallucinating, but that bowl of pretzels infringement of me is complimenting me" said the man to the waiter.
The waiter nodded before saying, "Don't worry sir, the bowl of pretzels are complimentary!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdxqi/a_man_went_into_a_bar_and_sat_infront_of_a_bowl/
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A handful of foreign-exchange students are in the classroom

... and they were asked their opinion on food scarcity in other countries.   The discussion was a complete disaster.  The Somali kids didn't know the English word "food", the British kids didn't know what "scarcity" meant, the American kids didn't know what "other countries" were, and the Chinese students asked what "their opinion" should be.
Source: Not mine, I just hadn't seen this one on /r/jokes at least in a while.  Can haz less-stale repost?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdwjc/a_handful_of_foreignexchange_students_are_in_the/
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Sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore...

She was busted for conch-traband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdv6t/sally_cant_sell_seashells_down_by_the_seashore/
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On His Deathbed

On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” said his friend. “For your entire life you’re been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now?” “Because I’d rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdu8j/on_his_deathbed/
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My doctor told me I need fewer trans fats in my life...

Looks like it's time to delete Tumblr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdroc/my_doctor_told_me_i_need_fewer_trans_fats_in_my/
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New president of a country is handed 3 envelopes by the previous leader.

President of a country is handed 3 numbered envelopes by the previous leader.  Previous leader says "If you screw anything up, then open one of the envelopes and it will tell you what to do."
Eventually, over time, the president screws some things up.  Everyone gets mad at him and threatens to impeach him.  So he opens the Envelope #1.  It says "Blame everything on me, your predecessor."
So he does that and eventually is forgiven.
But then, as time goes on, the president screws up again.   He doesn't know what to do.  So he opens up Envelope #2.  It says "Blame everything on me again."  So, in time, the people forgive him again.
But then, as time goes on, the president screws things up yet a 3rd time.  He doesn't know what to do.  Relieved that he still has one envelope left, he opens it up.  It says "Prepare 3 envelopes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdq6h/new_president_of_a_country_is_handed_3_envelopes/
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I'm furious! racist tech support just called me asian

All I said was my drivers keep crashing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdm2t/im_furious_racist_tech_support_just_called_me/
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Did you hear about the German man who was up to no good?

I heard he has a severe guten allergy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdm14/did_you_hear_about_the_german_man_who_was_up_to/
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[NSFW] I'm so sad, my favorite dating site is shutting down

Disney has announced they are shutting down Club Penguin. =(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdlba/nsfw_im_so_sad_my_favorite_dating_site_is/
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What do you call a sick painting?

An Ill-ustration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdl5i/what_do_you_call_a_sick_painting/
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MOM! I'm being called gay in school.

Who is calling you that son?
A bunch of cute boys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdl1o/mom_im_being_called_gay_in_school/
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What do you call a werewolf that doesn't know he's a werewolf?

An unawarewolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdkzs/what_do_you_call_a_werewolf_that_doesnt_know_hes/
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The doctor's jar

There was an old man who was worried something was wrong with his penis. He decided to go to the doctor to get a diagnosis.
After some x-rays and checkups, the doctor got results.
"Looks like you have a testicle infection. I need further data, so I need you to masturbate into this jar so I can get a sample of your semen." the doctor says, handing the old man a mason jar with a lid closed tightly on it. "Come back the next day with what I asked for."
The next day, the old man comes back to the doctor with the jar.
"Wha? Old man, this jar has nothing in it!" the doctor said, frustrated.
The old man smiled sheepishly. "I tried everything," he says. "First, I tried by myself; I couldn't do it. Then, I asked my wife, she couldn't do it either. So, I asked my neighbor to try, but he couldn't do it either."
The doctor's eyes widened. "Hold on, you asked your neighbor?"
The old man sighed. "Yep, we just couldn't get that jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdivf/the_doctors_jar/
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What has 8 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdgxm/what_has_8_wheels_and_flies/
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A cop is walking down the street and notices

a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. “Can I help you?” he asked.
The blonde woman replied, “I dropped my diamond ring and I’m looking for it.”
The cop asked, “Did you drop it right here?”
“No,” responded the blonde, “I dropped it about a block away, but the light’s better here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdges/a_cop_is_walking_down_the_street_and_notices/
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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdg19/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
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I beat Anorexia today

People keep coming up with weirder names for their children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdfl7/i_beat_anorexia_today/
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Three old men

Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied.
Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer?”
"Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdepq/three_old_men/
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Do you spell it Palindrome or Palendrome?

Cause I've heard it both ways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdead/do_you_spell_it_palindrome_or_palendrome/
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A priest and a man were golfing

A man named Joe was golfing with his friend who was a priest. On the first hole, Joe misses a relatively easy putt and exclaims "Fuck! I missed!" The priest tells him to please watch his language and they continue playing.
A few holes later, Joe misses another easy putt, putting him behind the priest. He again exclaims "Fuck! I missed again!" And once again the priest  tells him to not use that language. Joe apologizes and they keep playing.
A few holes later the same thing happens. The priest says, "if you use that type of language again, may a bolt of lightning strike you where you stand." Joe once again apologizes.
On the last hole, the men are tied. The priest makes par. Joe has landed the ball two feet from the hole and if he makes the putt, he will win the game. He lines up the putt, and once again missed. He gets so mad and screams "Fuck! I missed AGAIN!" At that moment, lightning strikes the priest, who collapses and dies.
High above, the clouds open up and a great booming voice proclaims "well fuck. I missed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdbuq/a_priest_and_a_man_were_golfing/
%
Once there was a little boy in church.

He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, "Mommy, I have to piss."
The mother said, "Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite."
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, "Daddy I have to whisper."
The father said, "OK. Here, whisper in my ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdav9/once_there_was_a_little_boy_in_church/
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My landscaper is also a paramedic

He told me he makes more money mowing my lawn than he would finding me on my lawn having a heart attack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rdakh/my_landscaper_is_also_a_paramedic/
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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rd98i/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all_in_the/
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A wife is yelling at her husband.

"Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rd8gk/a_wife_is_yelling_at_her_husband/
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Sex is like homework

I only do it when my teacher forces me to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rczuj/sex_is_like_homework/
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Me: *Playing Ouija board*

Me: What's your name?
Ouija Board: I H A V E A B O Y F R I E N D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rcv1g/me_playing_ouija_board/
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Damn my wife is disgusting.

I went downstairs to piss in the sink, and it was full of dishes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rcsjf/damn_my_wife_is_disgusting/
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a beautiful sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rcraa/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
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3 Drunk guys entered a taxi.

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rcpa8/3_drunk_guys_entered_a_taxi/
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I just read Trump's book "The Art of the Deal"

It had four Chapter 11's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rcmz3/i_just_read_trumps_book_the_art_of_the_deal/
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Whoever invented the knock knock joke

should receive a no-bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rcm34/whoever_invented_the_knock_knock_joke/
%
So an emo teenager went to grocery store.

He went up to the cashier and said, pointing to his scarred arm
"Hey, can you scan this?"
The cashier then scans the arm, only to say,
"I'm sorry sir, but this item is worthless"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rcli5/so_an_emo_teenager_went_to_grocery_store/
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I was born handsome, charming witty and wise

I'm also a compulsive liar, but I think it evens out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rclgf/i_was_born_handsome_charming_witty_and_wise/
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Where are the most waffles dropped on the beach?

San Diego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rch9t/where_are_the_most_waffles_dropped_on_the_beach/
%
Violence is never the answer

Violence is the question
The answer is yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rcgy9/violence_is_never_the_answer/
%
I had a really successful sex change.

I'm having more sex than I did last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rcgfa/i_had_a_really_successful_sex_change/
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You Don't Know Shit

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rcf19/you_dont_know_shit/
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What does my first car and anal have in common?

I didn't want it, but my dad gave it to me anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rceue/what_does_my_first_car_and_anal_have_in_common/
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An 80s singer caught himself on fire, what does he do?

Stop, Drop, and Rick-Roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rcayp/an_80s_singer_caught_himself_on_fire_what_does_he/
%
Bush, Obama, and Trump go on a hunting trip.

Their hunting guide instructs them to find and follow tracks and they should be able to find their quarry.
Bush follows some tracks and gets a bear. Obama follows some tracks and gets a deer.
Trump follows some tracks and gets hit by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rc9n7/bush_obama_and_trump_go_on_a_hunting_trip/
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Can a Toyota stretch?

No, but a Mercedes-Benz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rc921/can_a_toyota_stretch/
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What's the difference between obsequious behaviour towards someone important in order to gain advantage and John Wayne Gacy wearing a top hat and monocle?

One is sycophancy and the other is a fancy sicko.
(As far as I'm aware this is an original joke that I created and am quite pleased with)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rc8vj/whats_the_difference_between_obsequious_behaviour/
%
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rc8rq/why_did_the_mexican_take_a_xanax/
%
Having a religion is like having a penis

It's okay to have one, but just don't go around shoving it down people's throats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rc77t/having_a_religion_is_like_having_a_penis/
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I wish people would stop saying the husbands of the women who marched didn't get a sandwich that day.

Have you seen those women? No way any of them have a husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rc6sr/i_wish_people_would_stop_saying_the_husbands_of/
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A woman goes to get welfare for her and her 9 children

. When she gets to the counter the clerk asks for all her children's names; to which she promptly replies "Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, and Joe."
The clerk is confused, so he asks, "Well if you want to tell them to go to bed what do you say?"
She replies, "Joe go to bed."
He asks, "If you want them to eat their dinner what do you say?"
She replies, "Joe eat your dinner."
Finally he asks, "Well if you want to call them individually what do you say?!"
She simply says, "I just call them by their last names!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rc5pu/a_woman_goes_to_get_welfare_for_her_and_her_9/
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How do you get an grammer nazi's attention?

That. That is how.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rc3xi/how_do_you_get_an_grammer_nazis_attention/
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A college girl once had a very active sex life...

She especially loved hooking up with frat boys and men who had been sentenced to prison. Those were kind of her fetishes, and she didn't know why. She didn't really like to use condoms, though, which was very dumb of her, and she knew that, but she thought it felt so much better without one. Also, she was on birth control.
Only, one day, her period didn't come as expected. She thought it was probably nothing, but she was suspicious nonetheless. She went to the store and bought a pregnancy test, and, lo and behold, she was indeed pregnant. Well, shit. Due to her active sex life and having slept with all those prisoners and frat boys, she didn't really know, which one of them had gotten her pregnant. She thought about what she was to do. Should she keep the baby? How could she find the father? And then it hit her.
She had to make a list of all the bros and cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rc3gx/a_college_girl_once_had_a_very_active_sex_life/
%
What did Doctor Who say to his wife?

It's bigger when it's inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rc2lp/what_did_doctor_who_say_to_his_wife/
%
The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rbx6p/the_irish_millionaire/
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Diets are like relationships...

They get easier if you allow yourself a cheat day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rbw0t/diets_are_like_relationships/
%
Why do bulemics like Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Because it comes with a bucket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rbv8a/why_do_bulemics_like_kentucky_fried_chicken/
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The Burger Lady (Original)

A man walks up to a burger stall where he is served by an extremely sad looking lady.
“I’ll have a double cheeseburger please,” says the man before adding “and cheer up, it might never happen.”
“You're the fifth person who has told me to cheer up today,” replies the lady. “I’m sick of it! Who the hell are you to tell me to smile while I’m making your food?”
“I’m really sorry” he replies. “I can see now that it was a very insensitive thing to say. I have no right at all to tell you that you have to enjoy your job, get deep satisfaction from flipping burgers, or take pleasure in dishing out this greasy crap.”
Surprised by his honest admission, the burger lady says “Well, thanks for saying so. Apology accepted. Now how would you like your burger cooked?”
“With relish”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rbtfo/the_burger_lady_original/
%
A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office

The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rbs98/a_man_with_no_carnal_desires_walks_into_a/
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A soldier ran up to his Sergeant

It was during the middle of the Korean war. Bullets and bombs were everywhere...
A soldier ran up to his Sergeant and said "Serg Serg! I have to take a wicked shit!" The Sergeant replied "Private you have ten minutes, we need you on the front line, hurry up!"
The private ran off and was gone an hour and came strolling back with a smirk on his face when he crossed paths with his Sergeant who said "PRIVATE JOHNSON WHERE WERE YOU!?
"Well Serg, first off I took the absolute best shit of my life."
"ANNNNND!??" Yelled the Sergeant.
"And, on the way back I saw a girl laying there and the next thing I know we're having the best sex of my life."
"Oh? Is that right, OK private, did you get get any head?
"No, she didn't have a head".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rbouv/a_soldier_ran_up_to_his_sergeant/
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Some financial advice

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says:
"I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. A few seconds and a satisfying glance later, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks:
"Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rbn14/some_financial_advice/
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My wife asked me where I wanted to be buried.

Although I'm pretty sure "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she wanted to hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rbhjw/my_wife_asked_me_where_i_wanted_to_be_buried/
%
An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rbhgo/an_old_lady_at_the_bank_asked_me_if_i_could_check/
%
Whats the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating?

Your ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rbgak/whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_your_body_when/
%
There's an emo in my Web Development class, she's doing a website about jewellery

Her first page was /Wrists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rbg83/theres_an_emo_in_my_web_development_class_shes/
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What did batman say to robin before they got in the car?

"Get in the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rbf56/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_they_got_in/
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An Older Man Fixes Dessert for His Wife

An older couple was sitting down watching TV one evening when the wife gets a hankering for some ice cream.
Wife: Honey, get me a bowl of ice cream, please.
The husband stands up to go get it. His wife stops him.
Wife: Oh, I also wants some chocolate syrup on it. Now write it down so you don't forget it.
Husband: I got it. Ice cream with chocolate syrup on it.
Wife: I also want sprinkles and a cherry. Write it down so you don't forget.
Husband: I got it. I got it. Ice cream with chocolate syrup, sprinkles, and a cherry.
The husband is in the kitchen for 45 minutes before coming back with a plate of scrambled eggs and some orange juice.
Wife: See! See! I told you to write it down! You forgot my bacon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rbcij/an_older_man_fixes_dessert_for_his_wife/
%
the best girlfriend

What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rawgz/the_best_girlfriend/
%
I saw a girl with 12 nipples the other day..

Sounds funny,
Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rau03/i_saw_a_girl_with_12_nipples_the_other_day/
%
What does a priest and a silver medalist have in common?

They both came in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ras5k/what_does_a_priest_and_a_silver_medalist_have_in/
%
What's Jackie Chan's favorite type of car?

KIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAA!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rarn6/whats_jackie_chans_favorite_type_of_car/
%
The only difference between group sex and group therapy...

is that in group therapy you hear about everyone's problems, and in group sex you see them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rapjo/the_only_difference_between_group_sex_and_group/
%
How do you know a dog is better than a wife?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car and see who is happier to see you after an hour when you let them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ram3t/how_do_you_know_a_dog_is_better_than_a_wife/
%
Yesterday my wife told me I was a selfish lover.

I was so shocked I nearly choked on my own cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rakou/yesterday_my_wife_told_me_i_was_a_selfish_lover/
%
From the South, but Not Southern

People: You're from the south? But you don't have an accent.
Me: I know, my parents put me in school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rakjk/from_the_south_but_not_southern/
%
A guy goes to a particularly strange drive thru...

The menu reads
Burgers - $5
Handjobs - $10
A sexy waitress says "Can I take your order?"
"Are you the girl doing the handjobs?"
"Why yes, I am"
The man hands the waitress $10 and says "Well clean your hands, because I want two burgers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rak9n/a_guy_goes_to_a_particularly_strange_drive_thru/
%
There's a new antidepressant on the market for lesbians.

Trycoxagin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rajpa/theres_a_new_antidepressant_on_the_market_for/
%
What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby?

You're going to have to be a little patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rai94/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_midget_waiting_in/
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Square Testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked   the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rahwe/square_testicles/
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Breitbart news is a lot like my girlfriend

Fake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rahq1/breitbart_news_is_a_lot_like_my_girlfriend/
%
According to a recent survey,

6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rag4n/according_to_a_recent_survey/
%
Never tell me friction jokes...

I just won't let them slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rafzg/never_tell_me_friction_jokes/
%
How many "Suh Dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. It's already lit fam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5raf5h/how_many_suh_dudes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A kid had sex with his teacher

So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5raenx/a_kid_had_sex_with_his_teacher/
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A young couple are showering together

A young couple are showering when the girlfriend says, "Honey I want you to do something naughty."
The boyfriend agrees.
He then proceeds to drop shampoo in her left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rabvt/a_young_couple_are_showering_together/
%
So a man is on a cruise...

That's sponsored by the Democratic party for a fundraiser. He's walking around enjoying his time when he comes across a group of people watching a game of limbo.
He sees that the crowd is really enjoying watching the game, so he hops in.
When it's his turn to go under, he ducks waaayy under the bar as a show off to the crowd. As he expected, the crowd loves it and starts cheering and shouting.
On his next turn, the man ducks even further under the bar than he did before, and the crowd goes wild!
The man, excited by the crowd, shouts "Oh yeah? How about this?!" And grabs the bar and puts it on the very bottom peg and slides under with ease.
To his surprise however, everyone in the crowd becomes enraged and starts throwing their drinks and appetizers at the man.
The man, soaked from head to toe goes to the DJ and asks "what the hell was that?!"
The DJ turns to the man and says, "well you lowered the bar sooo much that they thought you were Donald Trump"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5rabc3/so_a_man_is_on_a_cruise/
%
The European Union commissioners announce that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications...

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ra9cq/the_european_union_commissioners_announce_that_an/
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Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law!

Oh wait... That was Palpatine.
False alarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ra4ge/breaking_news_coup_underway_trump_takes_control/
%
What did the earth say to the other planets?

Wow. You guys have no life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ra37a/what_did_the_earth_say_to_the_other_planets/
%
The wife and I mixed it up a bit last night...

We washed the silverware BEFORE the dishes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ra2dk/the_wife_and_i_mixed_it_up_a_bit_last_night/
%
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius loop?

To get to the other ... errr ... ummm ... wait ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ra0z9/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_mobius_loop/
%
What is the best way to eat a vegetable?

Remove the wheelchair first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ra0ph/what_is_the_best_way_to_eat_a_vegetable/
%
Mountains aren't just funny,

They are hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ra0c9/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
What's the difference between a Syrian chapel and a Turkish terrorist camp?

America will let in people from the terrorist camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9z8w/whats_the_difference_between_a_syrian_chapel_and/
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Penguin

A bartender was working late at night when suddenly a man ran bursting through the door and asked the bartender.
Man: "QUICK, HOW TALL IS A PENGUIN?"
The bartender slightly confused, he simply said.
Bartender: "about this tall"
The man started to panic and said.
Man: "Oh god i ran over a nun!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9xin/penguin/
%
Did you read the menu?

'Cause all I see is me 'n u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9uic/did_you_read_the_menu/
%
After years of my mom telling me to bond with my stepdad...

We finally bonded over a shared annoyance of her forcing us to do bonding activities.
I guess you could call it ironic bonding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9sqa/after_years_of_my_mom_telling_me_to_bond_with_my/
%
The Pope visits Texas

The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX. On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, "Hey, you know what? I've always rode in these things, but I've never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?" Being it was the Pope himself, the chauffeur felt he couldn't say no so he obliged and exchanged seats.
It had been years since the Pope had driven, and he was having the time of his life cruising down the interstate going over 100mph! Consequently he was clocked by a state trooper and pulled over. As the trooper approached the vehicle and got a glance at the driver he quickly turned around and returned to his squad car to call his supervisor.
The trooper called in and told the sergeant, "Sergeant, I'm afraid I pulled over someone very very important."
In which he replied," Well, who is it, the governor?"
"No, no, much more important than that!"
"The President?!"
"I'm afraid even more important than that!"
"Well, who the hell is it then?!"
"I don't know, but his chauffeur is the freakin' Pope!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9rxj/the_pope_visits_texas/
%
I was stealing kitchen utensils last night...

And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9qa0/i_was_stealing_kitchen_utensils_last_night/
%
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9pxt/a_big_texan_stopped_at_a_local_restaurant/
%
A man who walked into the the bar...

Then he said to the bartender, "I bet you didn't see the second 'the' in the title, did you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9pry/a_man_who_walked_into_the_the_bar/
%
What's the difference between a rooster, and a whore?

A Rooster will wake the farmer with "a Cock a Doodle Doo!"
whereas
a Whore will wake the farmer as "a Any Cock'll Doo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9p8u/whats_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_a_whore/
%
Little Timmy's english lesson...

...was about food today.
"Good morning class" says the teacher, "today's lesson is about food! Let's start by mentioning things we can eat. Come on kids."
Sally raises her arm "bread!"
"Very good, Sally!" Says the teacher.
"Cornflakes!" says Billy.
"Good one, cornflakes! Anyone else?"
Timmy raises his hand and yells "Lamps!'
The teacher pauses for a moment, confused: "Lamps? You can't eat lamps, what made you think that?"
Timmy: "well last night I was walking past my parent's bedroom and I heard my dad say to my mom: turn off the lamp cause I'm gonna shove it down your throat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9llu/little_timmys_english_lesson/
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How can I invest in the Mexican airline industry?

Call me crazy but once this wall goes up I’ve got a gut-feeling I think that’s one industry that will really be taking off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9kh6/how_can_i_invest_in_the_mexican_airline_industry/
%
Why did Steve Bannon call Trump supporters working-class hobbits?

Because they're friends with grand wizards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9kbz/why_did_steve_bannon_call_trump_supporters/
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I'm looking for a joke about a sandwich I saw the other day so I can repost it...

Ah, right sub!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9hqf/im_looking_for_a_joke_about_a_sandwich_i_saw_the/
%
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9ffl/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
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What is a Sith Lord's favorite drink at the bar?

A Palpitini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9crp/what_is_a_sith_lords_favorite_drink_at_the_bar/
%
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students...

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9cnf/a_firstgrade_teacher_ms_brooks_was_having_trouble/
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I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself.

When the hell did I get a wife?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9bpy/i_was_stunned_last_night_when_my_wife_told_me_i/
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What do you call a pet Ewok that stays inside?

An Endor pet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9bk3/what_do_you_call_a_pet_ewok_that_stays_inside/
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What do you call a formula that can predict Al Gore's dance moves?

An Al Gore Rhythm algorithm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r9b0g/what_do_you_call_a_formula_that_can_predict_al/
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Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, “I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten.

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. “Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten?” Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Muslims.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r99e5/trump_walks_into_the_oval_office_turns_to_his/
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Life is like toilet paper...

You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r98nz/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
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For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That's not fair.

The man is only left with 30.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r983a/for_every_dollar_that_a_man_makes_a_woman_makes/
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Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be 2 of them, but now it is a sensitive topic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r94rs/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
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Potassium texted Sodium asking to go for coffee

Sodium just said Na.
Potassium replied K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8yeg/potassium_texted_sodium_asking_to_go_for_coffee/
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Long

A primary school class has just returned to school after the summer vacation. The teacher asks them, one by one, to come up to the blackboard and draw something exciting that happened during their holidays. First up was Jimmy. Jimmy draw a series of diagonal lines across the blackboard. What's that supposed to be Jimmy? asks the teacher.  Well, Miss, we were out for a walk and it started to rain so hard that we all got soaked instantly, and this is a picture of the rain. Very good Jimmy says the teacher.
Next up to the board was Sally. Sally drew a series of jagged lines down the board. What's that Sally ?  Well Miss, we were out for a stroll in the forest and suddenly a thunderstorm came up and the lightning struck several trees, and that's what these jagged lines are.  That's very exiting Sally, well done.
Lastly Bobby goes to the front and draws a single dot on the board. The teacher asks what's exciting about a dot, Bobby?
That's not a dot, Miss, it's a period !
Well then, what's exiting about a period ?
I don't really know, Miss, but my elder sister has just missed hers and the entire family is excited about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8xrb/long/
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Thanksgiving Day...

It was the week before thanksgiving and a little kid heard his parents arguing, although he couldn't hear much, he made out the words "Bitch" and "Bastard". So he goes up to his Dad and says "Daddy, What is a bastard?" And his Dad replies "Oh sweety, it is just another word for gentlemen. Later that day, he goes up to his Mom and says "Mommy, What is a bitch?" And his Mom replies "Honey, it is just another word for women"
Two days later the kid is sitting downstairs watching television when he hears his parents arguing again, although he still can't hear much, he makes out the words "Penis" and "Vagina". Not knowing what these words mean, he plans to ask his parents. He decides to ask his Mom first, he walks up to her and says "Mommy, what is a vagina?" His Mom, who didn't know what to say, looked around the the first thing she saw was a coat, so she said "Honey, it is just another word for coat". Satisfied with that answer, the little kid decides to ask his dad what a "Penis" is. So he waks up to his Dad and says "Daddy, What is a penis?" His Dad, looks around the room and the first thing he sees is a hat, so he says "It is just another word for hat" The little kid satisfied with his answer, leaves and goes back to the television.
It is the morning of thanksgiving and the little kids parents gave him a very important job, to welcome the guests. But, it was still early and no one had arrived yet. All of a sudden he hears his dad scream "SHIT". His Dad had cut himself shaving. The little kid runs up to his dad and asks "What does shit mean?" And his Dad replies "It is just a type of shaving cream". An hour later he hears his Mom yell "FUCK", she had cut her finger while she was cutting the turkey. The little kid runs up to his Mom and asks if she is ok and asks "What does fuck mean?" His mom says back "Honey, it is just a way of cutting the turkey".
So the guests arrive, and the kid goes to welcome them and says in his most gentleman like way, "Welcome Bitches and Bastards, may I have your penises and vaginas? My Dad is upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my Mom is fucking the turkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8x75/thanksgiving_day/
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Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old living in Namibia, he only has 1 leg, 1 eye and 1 arm. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal....

If you send just $2.00, you get the video for it. It's fucking hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8wza/can_you_spare_just_200_ranji_is_a_9yr_old_living/
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A nun in a pub

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked," May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not? " the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister ??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8sap/a_nun_in_a_pub/
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What do you call an orangutan holding a spoon?

I don't know I was asking you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8pax/what_do_you_call_an_orangutan_holding_a_spoon/
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Who do you not want to see with a tampon?

The Kool-Aid Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8o7t/who_do_you_not_want_to_see_with_a_tampon/
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Why do gamers say "get shit on"?

Because they rectum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8nuc/why_do_gamers_say_get_shit_on/
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The Chinese are celebrating the year of the rooster

Meanwhile the Americans are celebrating the year of the cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8l8h/the_chinese_are_celebrating_the_year_of_the/
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What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8l4y/what_is_the_difference_between_men_and_women/
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A man walks into a bar.

His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8kmn/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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TIL I know more words than Shakespeare

Shakespeare. Albatross. Conglomerate. Sasquatch. Carnival. I have more...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8k3q/til_i_know_more_words_than_shakespeare/
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Suppositories

A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm From behind the bathroom door.
She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?' Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done, and I tell you it took him forever to get it up there, and it hurt!' 'Poor baby,' says the wife. 'You were probably nervous and tense and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository, I don't mind.' Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his shoulder to brace him and with the right hand, quickly and easily slips the suppository up her husbands rear end. The husband lets out a bloodcurdling scream. 'My god' says the wife. 'What happened? Did I hurt you?' 'No!' Cries the man,'but I just remembered that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH his hand on my shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8i2a/suppositories/
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A woman goes into a forest.

If a woman goes into the forest and makes a sound, and there isn't a man there to hear her, is she still wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8hgn/a_woman_goes_into_a_forest/
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Do you ever get that feeling like your being watched?

'Cause if it's bothering you I'll stop.
*Edit*: It's supposed to be you're. I'm know I'm stupid. You can stop telling me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8h4f/do_you_ever_get_that_feeling_like_your_being/
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Whats better than winning silver in the special olympics?

Not being disabled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8gem/whats_better_than_winning_silver_in_the_special/
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Smoking seriously harms you and others around you

So smoke casually for the sake of public health

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8g85/smoking_seriously_harms_you_and_others_around_you/
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A blonde, brunette, and redhead are each pregnant and at the doctor's office...

While sitting in the waiting area, they begin chatting.
The brunette says "I was on the bottom so I'm having a girl!"
The redhead says "I was on top so I'm having a boy!"
The blonde starts crying hysterically.
The brunette and redhead ask her what's wrong.
The blonde says "I'm going to have a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8fee/a_blonde_brunette_and_redhead_are_each_pregnant/
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This must be Reddit's most eco-friendly sub...

99% recycled content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8cyf/this_must_be_reddits_most_ecofriendly_sub/
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Why do Java developers wear glasses?

Because they don't C#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8ak5/why_do_java_developers_wear_glasses/
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What did the egg say to the frying pan?

You crack me up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r88qk/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_frying_pan/
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What do you call a Mexican with no protein?

No Whey José

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r87ix/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_no_protein/
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I don't know what's worse...

Saying "It will only take 10 seconds" to get my wife to sleep with me or the fact that it's true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r86zo/i_dont_know_whats_worse/
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Three men are being interviewed for a job at the same time

The interviewer says "Alright, you can get the job if you can come up with a sentence with the words green, pink and yellow."
First man replies "Well that's easy, my favorite colors are green, pink and yellow."
Interviewer smiles and says "You're hired!"
The second man scoffs and says "I saw a bird that was green, pink and yellow."
Interviewer says "You got it!"
Finally, the third man thinks for a while until he says "The phone rang green green, I pinked it up and said yellow!"
The end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r86r1/three_men_are_being_interviewed_for_a_job_at_the/
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A soldier ran up to a nun

. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r86mm/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
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What does the Japanese Jesus say after praying?

Ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r86ix/what_does_the_japanese_jesus_say_after_praying/
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The children were lined up in.........

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
"Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r86i0/the_children_were_lined_up_in/
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What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2kilo mocking birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r85sx/what_do_you_call_2000_mockingbirds/
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I am thinking of selling my vacuum cleaner.

Well...it spends all it's day collecting dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r85ka/i_am_thinking_of_selling_my_vacuum_cleaner/
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A man sees a hot nun...

One day a man gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun. So by rule of nature, he goes and sits beside her. After numerous attempts of trying to chat her up, she gets fed up and gets off the bus abruptly in a huff. The bus driver says to the man 'I know that nun, she prays at the church every day at 8pm'.
So the man has an idea. He thinks that if he can convince the nun that he is God, she will have sex with him. So later that day, the man puts on his best God costume and heads off to the church. As soon as he arrives, the nun jumps into her arms and screams 'take me with you!'. With a smug look on his face he says 'of coarse, but first you must prove your loyalty by having sex with me'. The nun then says 'alright, but can we do anal?' The man, with his manhood already expanding, willingly agrees.
An hour passes. A whole hour of rough, sweaty, passionate sex, they are both lying in bed, completely exhausted. Suddenly, unable to contain himself, the man rips off his God mask and says 'Ha! I tricked you! It's the man from the bus!' The nun then rips off her mask and exclaims ' Ha! The joke's on you! It's me, the bus driver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r85bg/a_man_sees_a_hot_nun/
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An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar

, all having a beer.
A fly lands in the Englishmans beer, he pushes the beer away with a look of disgust and orders a new one.
A few minutes later another fly lands in the Aussies beer. He flicks the fly out and continues drinking.
Eventually a fly lands in the Scotsmans beer. He reaches in, pulls it out and holds it over his glass, hitting the back of it and starts shouting "Spit it out ya little bastid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r83sn/an_englishman_an_aussie_and_a_scotsman_are_at_a/
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Love him or hate him at least President Trump is raising awareness of one of the greatest challenges facing America.....

....Mental Health. 'Cause either that dude is crazy or I am and my best guess is before all this is said and done we're all going to need a little therapy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r83p4/love_him_or_hate_him_at_least_president_trump_is/
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A wife is like a hand grenade...

Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r8231/a_wife_is_like_a_hand_grenade/
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Why did the bear have to go to the hospital

Because he was bearly alive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r80ib/why_did_the_bear_have_to_go_to_the_hospital/
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What's the difference between Nazi camp and terrorist camp?

Concentration required.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r80h3/whats_the_difference_between_nazi_camp_and/
%
What's the difference between a comma and a cat?

One has a pause at the end of a clause and the other has claws at the end of its paws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r7zhv/whats_the_difference_between_a_comma_and_a_cat/
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I was at a retro night down at the club

The DJ played "The Twist", so I did the twist. Then he played "The Macarena", and I did the Macarena. When he played "Come on Eileen", that's when the police arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r7tvt/i_was_at_a_retro_night_down_at_the_club/
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My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r7tuy/my_mother_used_to_always_say_give_your_food_a/
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I asked my friend in North Korea how life was

He said he can't complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r7t5q/i_asked_my_friend_in_north_korea_how_life_was/
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On the eighth day God said:

-Widescreen is the best for humanity. Sony 16:9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r7ow8/on_the_eighth_day_god_said/
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r7hxz/a_man_inserted_an_ad_in_the_classifieds_wife/
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Be careful about what you buy online

If you buy stuff online, please check out the seller very carefully. One of my friends just lost $300 plus taxes on a penis enlarger.
The bastard sent him a magnifying glass and the only instruction came along with was "DO NOT USE IN SUNLIGHT".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r7g9e/be_careful_about_what_you_buy_online/
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Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin...

Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r7euc/apart_from_humans_the_only_creature_that_has_sex/
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Buzzfeeds top 10 list of torture methods

Number 7 will shock you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r7e5m/buzzfeeds_top_10_list_of_torture_methods/
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What does a horny terrorist do?

He blows himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r7dj4/what_does_a_horny_terrorist_do/
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I asked a sailor for directions to a brothel. [NSFW]

He pointed to a building and said "Thar she blows"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r79qy/i_asked_a_sailor_for_directions_to_a_brothel_nsfw/
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I went to a library and asked for a book on suicide

The librarian replied "Fuck off! You won't bring it back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r798l/i_went_to_a_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
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My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me.

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r78uv/my_dwarf_girlfriend_went_to_work_this_morning/
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I threw my sandal at the light switch to turn it off, but I missed..

It was a complete flip - flop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r75f8/i_threw_my_sandal_at_the_light_switch_to_turn_it/
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How is this possible? Whenever I say something bad, I get in trouble, but...

Whenever Donald Trump says something bad, he gets more supporters!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r74ra/how_is_this_possible_whenever_i_say_something_bad/
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One of the cakes is missing from my German cake stall...

... I'm worried that it was stollen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r71fg/one_of_the_cakes_is_missing_from_my_german_cake/
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If you ever feel like your life is meaningless and pointless

Just remember that someone out there is fitting indicators on BMWs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6z8n/if_you_ever_feel_like_your_life_is_meaningless/
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Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.
Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.
The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantly, he returns in a huge flock of bats. His hands are covered in blood.
With a cackle, he points down the road.
"You see that abandoned coach down there? I slaughtered everyone in it! The driver, a nobleman and his wife, their three sons, and a guardsman! All dead in the blink of an eye!"
The second, older than the first, but younger than the last, scoffs. "Child's play. Watch this." And disappears with the wind. Even with his heightened senses, the younger could not follow his movements.
The second vampire reappeared as suddenly as he had vanished, and the gust of his speed knocked the youngest to the ground. His hands, mouth, and collar were caked with gore. He gestures towards a town in the distance. As the vampires watched, a building lit on fire, and fell onto another one. Soon, the entire town was alight, but no movement could be seen from the townsfolk at all.
"A hundred people in that town! All dead! Torn to shreds!"
The youngest was in awe, but the eldest of the three only chuckled amusedly.
"How cute." He says.
The second looks almost indignant. "I'd like to see you do better."
The third lets out a malevolent chuckle.
"Very well."
He gets up, dusts off his cloak, and puts his spectacles down on a rock.
He disappears with a **CRACK.** The other two vampires' jaws dropped at the impossible speed that the eldest flew at.
Another resounding **CRACK** filled the air as the eldest vampire returned to the cave. His cloak was in tatters. His clothes were disheveled. But most prominent was the blood. His entire body was covered in blood. Never would the other vampires imagine that so much blood could cling to one person.
The eldest lets out a sigh, and plops to the ground. He reaches for his glasses, and cleans them with what remains of his cloak.
The younger vampires look at each other, not sure whether to break the silence.
Finally, the youngest asks, "So...?"
The elder vampire looks up slowly. He murmurs,
"You see that massive tree over there? The one with the widest trunk, as thick as a man is tall?"
Baffled, the youngest replied, "...Yes?"
The eldest, sheepishly, continued.
"Well, I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6ycg/three_vampires_sit_in_a_cave_in_the_black_of/
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My name is Ezra. Spelling my name is easy...

r, a

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6wk1/my_name_is_ezra_spelling_my_name_is_easy/
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A horse learns the guitar

So there once was a horse that wanted to learn how to play the guitar. So he goes around looking for someone to teach him, and soon he finds someone to teach him. After a white, the horse get REALLY good at playing the guitar so he tells his friend Duck about how he learned the guitar.
So the Duck says to him, "Wow that's pretty damn amazing considering you don't have fingers. I was thinking of learning to play the drums, you've inspired me to learn!" So the Duck went on Craigslist to find a drums teacher and soon he learns to play the drums REALLY well and decides to tell his friend Goat about his experience.
So the Goat says to him, "Wow that's pretty damn amazing. I was thinking of taking singing lessons because I feel like I have a really unique voice! You've inspired me to get singing lessons!" So the Goat goes and pays his friend Pig to teach him how to sing and after a few months, he learned how to sing really well.
So the three of them decides to start a band because they were all very skilled and passionate about their music. They started landing small gigs here and there, playing at kids birthday parties, until they land this huge gig in Seattle! This gig was going to be their big break!
Goat spent all his money on singing lessons so he had to to take the train to Seattle instead of flying with the rest of his band mates. Unfortunately, Horse couldn't make it to Seattle because his mom was dying and he had to go see her one more time.
The Horse's mom ends up passing away and he falls into a depression. Right as he's driving back to his apartment, he hears on the radio that there was a terrorist attack on his friend Duck's plane and everyone is dead! He also learns when he got home that the train his friend Goat was on derailed and crashed into a wall, there were no survivors.
At this point the Horse is just spiraling and spiraling out of control. He soon develops a drinking habit.
After awhile he runs out of alcohol so he walks into a bar. And the the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6vs5/a_horse_learns_the_guitar/
%
What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?

Oh Sheeet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6u13/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_of_the_bed/
%
Why has nobody heard of the new band 1023 megabits?

They don't have any gigs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6svv/why_has_nobody_heard_of_the_new_band_1023_megabits/
%
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6ss7/what_happens_to_a_frogs_car_when_it_breaks_down/
%
Two peasants turned vampire hunters entered the local cemetery....

...Looking for the dreaded vampire that threatened their homes. As they searched among the tombstones, they found one covered in blood, black as night and decorated with a bat motif. As night fell, they begun excavating it, getting to the coffin just as the last rays of the sun began to disappear. They threw it open, stakes at the ready but found it empty. Off to the right, a small ordinary tombstone began to tremble and out burst the vampire! As he closed on the helpless pair he laughed saying, "Ah-HA! You fools! You have made a *grave mis-stake!*"
*sorrynotsorry*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6s45/two_peasants_turned_vampire_hunters_entered_the/
%
What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist?

I don't know, I just sign executive orders.
I'll be here all week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6rx8/whats_the_difference_between_muslim_and_a/
%
If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring with you?

I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6qnm/if_you_were_stranded_on_a_desert_island_what/
%
They say comedy comes from a dark place.

That's why farts are so funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6n70/they_say_comedy_comes_from_a_dark_place/
%
Hi Reddit. I am David Miller, head of the American Lung Foundation.

Asthma anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6lp7/hi_reddit_i_am_david_miller_head_of_the_american/
%
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are stranded on an island...

Suddenly, the brunette spots land not far from the island.
She tells the other two: "I'll swim there and come back with help"
But as she is swimming, she gets tired a quarter of the way there and swims back.
The redhead says: "Don't worry, I'm confident in my ability to swim there and come back with help"
But she gets tired a third of the way there and swims back.
The blonde says: "You guys are weak. I'm sure I can get there and come back"
But she gets tired halfway there, turns around and swims back!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6ket/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_are_stranded_on/
%
Does your asshole every get jealous...

Of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6j3o/does_your_asshole_every_get_jealous/
%
What's an oyster's favorite band?

Pearl Jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6ene/whats_an_oysters_favorite_band/
%
Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement

In the end, you ignore everything and click "I Agree".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6ei8/arguing_with_a_woman_is_like_reading_the_software/
%
A Mexican man has been running away from the cops for 3 days...

The authorities stated that he is a Juan-ted man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6cp7/a_mexican_man_has_been_running_away_from_the_cops/
%
Husband sent a text to wife at night

,
“Hi I will get late, plz try and wash all my dirty clothes
And make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return.”
He sent another text, “I forgot to tell u that I got an increase in
My salary at the end of month I’m getting u a new car”
She text back, “Omg really?”
Husband Replied: “No I just wanted to make sure u got my 1st msg.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6c42/husband_sent_a_text_to_wife_at_night/
%
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday...

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6bwy/i_bought_my_blind_friend_a_cheese_grater_for_his/
%
I'm reading an interesting book about Electromagnetic Levitation

I can't put it down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6bqt/im_reading_an_interesting_book_about/
%
Is it because I'm blonde?

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting
today, and all the other kids could only count to
four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,
8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from
school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were
saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See?
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from
school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were
in gym class today, and when we showered, all
the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed
chest.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 19!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r69or/is_it_because_im_blonde/
%
Today I beat my addiction

I'm addicted to my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r68pl/today_i_beat_my_addiction/
%
Where did Ed's girlfriend go?

Sheeran away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6893/where_did_eds_girlfriend_go/
%
Whats the difference between a seatbelt and a condom?

One of them prevents lives being **lost** in an accident and the other prevents lives being **made** in an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r67g8/whats_the_difference_between_a_seatbelt_and_a/
%
Yoda was scared of 7 because.....

6, 78.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r66qi/yoda_was_scared_of_7_because/
%
TIFU by eating my friend's sandwich

wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r66io/tifu_by_eating_my_friends_sandwich/
%
I asked my Mexican friend if he was upset about Trump's wall...

He said, "Eh, I'll get over it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r66ff/i_asked_my_mexican_friend_if_he_was_upset_about/
%
Breaking: Spelling Bee Official Pronounced Dead.

He then used it in a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r660u/breaking_spelling_bee_official_pronounced_dead/
%
Freddy the Flea

Freddy The Flea
Freddy the Flea is laying out in the sun in Miami Beach, putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms, and on his little flea legs, when he notices his buddy Oscar stumbling down the beach.
Oscar is a mess, he’s shivering, disheveled, and looks like 9 miles of bad road.
“Holy shit Oscar, what happened?” asks Freddy.  Oscar says, “You won’t believe it Freddy, I just rode all the way down from New York on some biker’s mustache, and I damned near froze my ass off”.
Freddy says, “Oscar, you dummy, that’s not the way to travel.  What you do is go to the airport, go in the ladies restroom, climb on a toilet seat, and when a nice stew from Miami Air sits down, you hop aboard, and fly first class”.
Oscar agrees to try this.  A couple weeks later, Freddy’s on the beach again, and here comes Oscar, looking even worse than before.  Freddy says, “Oscar, what happened, didn’t you do what I said?”
Oscar says, “Oh Freddy, I did just like you told me, I went in the women’s bathroom at the airport, and when a nice blonde stewardess sat down I jumped on.  It was so nice and warm and comfy that I just relaxed and fell asleep.  And the next thing I knew, I was on that same biker’s mustache!”.
z

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r64at/freddy_the_flea/
%
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r61gv/the_pastor_asked_if_anyone_in_the_congregation/
%
Have you heard about the hobo gangster?

Word on the street is he's roofless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r6177/have_you_heard_about_the_hobo_gangster/
%
Who has killed more indians than John Wayne?

Union Carbide Corporation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5zxy/who_has_killed_more_indians_than_john_wayne/
%
"Hold my beer."

-2017

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5ywj/hold_my_beer/
%
Marylou....

A husband was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of the head with a huge frying pan.
"What the heck was that for!" he asked.
She replies, "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it..."
"Oh, dear, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Well, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I placed a bet on."
The explanation seems to appease her, and she leaves the room to go about her business.
Three days later, the man is again sitting in his chair reading the morning paper. His wife abruptly hangs up the telephone and then whacks him on the back of the head with the huge frying pan.
"What the heck did I do wrong this time!" he asked.
She answered, "Your horse just called!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5yp5/marylou/
%
We, the American people have a great sense of humor.

Have you seen our President?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5xt0/we_the_american_people_have_a_great_sense_of_humor/
%
Someone stole my mood ring,

And I don't know how to feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5xf6/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
A fish went swimming.

And it drowned.
*My 4 year old daughter has just told me her first "joke". She finds it hilarious. "You get it? Fish cant drown. Thats funny!"
I'm worried..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5wrt/a_fish_went_swimming/
%
What's the difference between a Taliban Outpost and a Pakistani School?

I don't know, why don't you ask the 50 drone pilots on this sub?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5wc8/whats_the_difference_between_a_taliban_outpost/
%
What is a pirates favorite toy??

Aarrrh sea boats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5w5o/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_toy/
%
I like my women how I like my ice cream...

Rich, thick, and occasionally headache-inducing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5vq8/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_ice_cream/
%
Three devotees decide to prove the power of their faith...

...they all decide to jump off a cliff one by one, all the while invoking the name of their chosen deity.
The first devotee, a Buddhist, proceeds to stand at the edge of the cliff and begins reciting the mora sutta. At the end of the chant he jumps and calls on Buddha three times: ***"Buddha protect your servant, Buddha protect your servant, BUDDHA PROTECT YOUR SERVANT!"***
Lo and behold, just before he hits the ground he turns into a mighty eagle and swoops away and alights once again on the top of the cliff as a man.
The remaining devotees are amazed and agrees that Buddha is a worthy deity, but that their deities will not be bested.
The second devotee, a Roman Catholic, steps up to the cliff edge and stands quietly for a few moments. He then proceeds to jump and shouts: ***"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I SHALL FEAR NO EVIL!"***
Halfway down the cliff face, a shaft of light envelops the Catholic and he is borne aloft on the arms of a host of angels and is safely deposited at the top of the cliff.
The other devotees are again amazed and agrees the Lord really is a deity worthy of all praise.
The third devotee, a Muslim, then proceeds to the edge of the cliff; he kneels down and begins his own prayers. He does so for several minutes and then stands up and turns and walks away from the edge.
The Buddhist and the Catholic are confused and immediately question the Muslim's faith in Allah.
The Muslim just smiles and tells them, ***"Allah spoke to me and bade me tell you that you are both very much welcome and that he strongly counsels against such silly acts as jumping off a cliff."***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5vnb/three_devotees_decide_to_prove_the_power_of_their/
%
A young bear cub was roaming the jungle . An animal he had never seen before comes strolling out of the trees.

He asks " excuse me what kind of animal are you?"
The animal replys
" well,  I am a tiger"
The bear acts suprised and says " are you sure?       You don't look like a tiger."
The tiger says " Do you think I'm a lyin?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5vkh/a_young_bear_cub_was_roaming_the_jungle_an_animal/
%
Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5unx/darling_im_sorry_but_i_just_didnt_like_it/
%
Anybody see that movie about the dog who befriends a dolphin?

A Dog's Porpoise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5szj/anybody_see_that_movie_about_the_dog_who/
%
Can't find any batteries for my vibrator

What a buzz kill!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5skq/cant_find_any_batteries_for_my_vibrator/
%
Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5s3d/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a/
%
The sandwich walked into the bar

.
It sat on the counter and asked for a banana.
The waiter said, "Sorry Sir, we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5r7n/the_sandwich_walked_into_the_bar/
%
How many members of a given ethnic group does it take to change a lightbulb?

A finite number!  One to to change the bulb, the rest to act in a manner stereotypically derogatory to their ethnicity!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5nvs/how_many_members_of_a_given_ethnic_group_does_it/
%
Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one?

For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5kk8/have_you_heard_the_people_who_pronounce_pangea/
%
An elderly woman felt like she and her husband were losing touch, so she convinced him to go to couple therapy with her.

While sitting through the normal "how does that make you feel" questions, the therapist asks about their sex life. The woman speaks up first and mentions how he never wants to have sex anymore and it makes her feel upset. The man, who was already flustered, got embarrassed, and stormed out, refusing to return.
Giving up and visibly upset, the woman finally got up from the couch and started for the door to meet her husband in the parking lot. The therapist stopped her and went for a bottle in his desk. "I shouldn't do this, but I want to make sure you're happy and your marriage is happy", he said as he handed here two blue pills, "Here, take these Viagras. At breakfast, crush one up and put it in his coffee. I can promise you, his sex drive will go up and all will be fine again!"
The woman excitingly took the pills, thanked the therapist, and left.
The following week, she returned. "How did it go?" he asked.
"Well, I did what you said. That morning, I crushed up his Viagra at the counter and sneaked it into his coffee." the woman replied.
"And?" urged the therapist.
"Well" she said, with a smile on her face, "he got this look in his eye, and grabbed me and we had some of the best sex in years!". Her smile then went to a blank stare.
"So are things better now, then?" asked the therapist.
"Yes, I would say so." she replied. "But we can never go back to that McDonald's ever again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5iiy/an_elderly_woman_felt_like_she_and_her_husband/
%
Did you know using too many commas is now illegal....

You can end up with a very lengthy sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5htb/did_you_know_using_too_many_commas_is_now_illegal/
%
You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5h9a/you_know_that_tingly_sensation_you_get_when_you/
%
A recently divorced supermodel puts out an ad for a new partner

The ad states that there are three requirements: can't beat me, you can't run around on me, and must be good in bed. 20 minutes after she puts out the ad, she hears a ring on the doorbell. She opens the door and sees a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a wheelchair. She says "What are you here for?" he responds "you put out an ad in the newspaper, right?" she says "do you think you meet the requirements?" he pauses and says "I have no arms, so I can't beat you, and i have no legs, so I can't run around on you" she says "there's another requirement, are you good in bed?" he says "well how do you think I rang the doorbell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5e6x/a_recently_divorced_supermodel_puts_out_an_ad_for/
%
I like my women how I like McAfee antivirus

Disabled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5cwz/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_mcafee_antivirus/
%
Why did the pie go to the dentist?

It needed a filling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5bwp/why_did_the_pie_go_to_the_dentist/
%
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in a desert...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in a desert, when they come across a magical lamp, which the blonde then rubs repeatedly.
A genie then comes out of the magic lamp, and promises to grant one wish for each of the girls.
The brunette says "I just want to go home!" she is then teleported back home, safe and sound.
The redhead says "I want to go back home!" she is also teleported back home.
The blonde then says "I just wish my friends were here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r5buq/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stranded_in/
%
Two scientists are studying a nest of newly-hatched crows..

The new parents are doing what they can, and the three chicks are noisy and demanding.
One day, the scientists notice that one of the chicks isn't making noise anymore. They see he's making the motions, but no sound is coming from his beak.
The scientists decide to do something to try to help, since they reason that crows use their voices for social interaction well as for warning others of potential harm. It's got his own good.
They take the baby crow from the nest, and run a series of tests, and scans. They administer medicines, and even try some other therapies that are less traditional, but for all they do, the baby crow still cannot make a sound.
Finally, they concede defeat, and had to admit to themselves that it was just a...
Lost caws...
Made this up today after I saw "lost cause" on a license plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r59ch/two_scientists_are_studying_a_nest_of/
%
A little marry poppins

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r58k3/a_little_marry_poppins/
%
I heard Starbucks is trying to hire a lot more refugees

Those poor art majors are going to suffer, then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r53pt/i_heard_starbucks_is_trying_to_hire_a_lot_more/
%
Yesterday a clown held the door open for me

I thought it was a nice jester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r51in/yesterday_a_clown_held_the_door_open_for_me/
%
When asking a basic white girl if she wants some Starbucks, the short answer will always be "yas"

The long answer is probably going to be "yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4zlq/when_asking_a_basic_white_girl_if_she_wants_some/
%
Whats got 2 legs and bleeds?

half a cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4vml/whats_got_2_legs_and_bleeds/
%
Anyone ever try Canadian Bacon?

I hear it's the nicest bacon around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4tch/anyone_ever_try_canadian_bacon/
%
What's the difference between Harry Potter's best friend and his pot?

Nothing, they're both cauldron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4t6u/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potters_best/
%
How are morbidly obese people and child molesters alike?

Both want to get into smaller pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4rs7/how_are_morbidly_obese_people_and_child_molesters/
%
A guy is having sex with a girl and it feels terrible

It doesn't feel wet or smooth but more like rough and dry. He finally asks her what's going on down there and she says "Oh sorry about that, be right back." She goes into the bathroom for a minute and comes back out, they start having sex again. Now it's nice and wet, smooth, and feels great. The guy says "That feels great, what did you do?" She replies "I pulled the scabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4qfl/a_guy_is_having_sex_with_a_girl_and_it_feels/
%
I wanted to study Computer Science but then I stopped...

Turns out its just a sudo science.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4q7u/i_wanted_to_study_computer_science_but_then_i/
%
What's the difference between a oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4p21/whats_the_difference_between_a_oral_and_rectal/
%
A Rabbi, a Priest and an Imam walk into a bar

The bartender looks up and says "what, is this some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4m8b/a_rabbi_a_priest_and_an_imam_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Little Johnny: Mommy, what's a transsexual?

Mom: I think you should ask Aunt Dave that question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4kt2/little_johnny_mommy_whats_a_transsexual/
%
I got in touch with my inner self today.

Thats the last time I'm buying 1 ply toilet paper at the dollar store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4kcu/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
%
I have the body of a 20 year old model,

But it  takes up too much room in my freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4jjk/i_have_the_body_of_a_20_year_old_model/
%
I tried to cheer my mentally challenged friend up...

...but I guess I shouldn't have said "Don't let an extra chromosome get you down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4ji7/i_tried_to_cheer_my_mentally_challenged_friend_up/
%
Why was Peach mad at Mario?

He forgot to delete his Bowser history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4h5a/why_was_peach_mad_at_mario/
%
[NSFW] what did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4gk9/nsfw_what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4dxm/a_girl_realised_that_she_had_grown_hair_between/
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What does a gay horse eat?

Haaaaayyyy
What does a black horse eat?
Hay motherfucker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4ccc/what_does_a_gay_horse_eat/
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So a priest walks into a bar...

Looks at the ugly walls,  and says to the bartender:
"My son,  you must repaint".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4bdp/so_a_priest_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4avz/a_man_is_stranded_on_a_desert_island_all_alone/
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Food is like dark humor

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r4ad8/food_is_like_dark_humor/
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A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and taps gently on the door

When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the bum goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The bum says, "Thank you very much. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a porch you got there. It's a BMW."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r497u/a_bum_comes_up_to_the_front_door_of_a_very/
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[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better'

Pence: 'The fewer'
Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r450c/politics_trump_the_less_immigrants_we_bring_in/
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what's the difference between a black man and a box of donuts

one of them's already full of holes before the cops see them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r43uy/whats_the_difference_between_a_black_man_and_a/
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I was going through my wardrobe, trying to select a suit for my grandmother's funeral.

I said, "What shall I wear?"
"I don't really care," said my mum. "As long as you don't you stick out."
It's not easy being a necrophiliac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r42qv/i_was_going_through_my_wardrobe_trying_to_select/
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An airplane was about to crash with 4 passengers on board.

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Russell Westbrook and I'm averaging a triple double. The Thunder and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3xgg/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash_with_4_passengers/
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It's always funny until someone gets hurt.

Then it's hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3vo7/its_always_funny_until_someone_gets_hurt/
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Here's to virgins

Thanks for fucking nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3vfs/heres_to_virgins/
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Someone gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3uc7/someone_gave_a_handjob_to_albert_einstein/
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My wife called me at work today.

"Honey, do you want to come home at lunch for a quickie?"
"Sarah, it's pronounced Quiche."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3qla/my_wife_called_me_at_work_today/
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Israeli, German, Russian, and American doctors were talking ...

‏An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
‏The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
‏in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
‏The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
‏The American   doctor laughs:
"You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President...Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3qe4/israeli_german_russian_and_american_doctors_were/
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A Blonde, Brunette, and Redhead all meet at the Stairway to Heaven...

An angel at the top says, "I'm going to tell a joke to you all. If you do not laugh, you may advance one stair, but if you DO laugh, you'll fall off into Hell."
The angel tells the 1st joke and the women do not laugh. They all advance. The angel tells the 2nd joke and the Redhead laughs, and she falls off the Stairway.
On the 6th joke, the Brunette laughs and falls of the Stairway.
After all 15 jokes, the Blonde makes it all the way up the stairs. The angel cheers, "Congratulations! You made it into Heaven!"
The Blonde begins to laugh hysterically.
"Why are you laughing?" The angel asks.
The Blonde responds while trying to pull herself together, "I just got the 1st joke...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3pgh/a_blonde_brunette_and_redhead_all_meet_at_the/
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Women are turning into good drivers!

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3k3c/women_are_turning_into_good_drivers/
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A Buddhist asks a hot dog vendor to "Make me one with everything."

The Buddhist gives him a fifty and the vendor just pockets it.  The Buddhist asks for change and the vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3k37/a_buddhist_asks_a_hot_dog_vendor_to_make_me_one/
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What is Donald Trump's favorite video game?

*Papers, Please*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3ivd/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_video_game/
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My girlfriend was sad that her dog died so I went out and got her an identical dog

Then she said "what the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3ib6/my_girlfriend_was_sad_that_her_dog_died_so_i_went/
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I'm torn: on the one hand, I absolutely hate xenophobia, sexism, and racism

on the other hand, orange is my favorite color.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3fbx/im_torn_on_the_one_hand_i_absolutely_hate/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3en1/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
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I'm an auto mechanic...

So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda.
But I do understand the Trans mission.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3b8j/im_an_auto_mechanic/
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What would happen, if IT technic became a doctor?

Patient: I can't bend my knee.
Doctor: [*bends his knee*] Weird, works fine for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r3a8a/what_would_happen_if_it_technic_became_a_doctor/
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What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?

I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r37xu/whats_the_difference_between_a_pakistani_school/
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AN ODD TALE

There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r36oe/an_odd_tale/
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When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was

she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r36mz/when_i_was_young_i_asked_my_mum_what_a_couple_was/
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I've searched high and low for my brother's killer

but nobody is willing to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r33d0/ive_searched_high_and_low_for_my_brothers_killer/
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What's the difference between a thief and a comedian?

At least thieves are known for stealing other people's shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2yp4/whats_the_difference_between_a_thief_and_a/
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called UPS in Germany today to ask when they were shipping my Oculus Rift

they said "VR ready"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2y36/called_ups_in_germany_today_to_ask_when_they_were/
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A 89 year old man visits his doctor

"Hey Doc, I am really concerned. I am together with this beautiful 21 year old, and to satisfy her in bed I have to take my Viagra pills. You'd ought to think that I am no longer capable of breeding given my age, but somehow my girlfriend just got pregnant. How can that be?".
"Let me tell you a little story." the doctor said.
"Once upon a time there was a hunter who was going out hunting. In a hurry he managed to grab his umbrella instead of his rifle. When he found his prey, a deer, he took the shot just as he realised he had brought his umbrella instead. Still, the deer fell and died. How could that be?" The doctor asked.
"Well, it's obvious. Someone else took the shot!" The man explained.
"My point exactly".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2y2k/a_89_year_old_man_visits_his_doctor/
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Little Johnny: "Grandma, make a sound like a Frog." Grandma: "Why?"

Little Johnny: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2x4f/little_johnny_grandma_make_a_sound_like_a_frog/
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Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2vk8/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
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A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers.

They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2v7d/a_married_couple_was_watching_volleyball_game_at/
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I did some shrugs in the gym.

After someone asked me, "What are you doing here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2tva/i_did_some_shrugs_in_the_gym/
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A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2t8j/a_man_walked_into_a_cafe_went_to_the_bar_and/
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A busload of politicians were driving down a country road

, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2syg/a_busload_of_politicians_were_driving_down_a/
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A muslim walks into US

Just kidding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2suc/a_muslim_walks_into_us/
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A cowboy walks into a bar

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2sjn/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
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An Italian man is on trial for killing his wife...

An Italian man is on trial for killing his wife and is claiming temporary insanity as a defense. He is on the stand and is asked to describe the crime in his own words.
"Your Honor, I am a quiet, peaceful man who never bothers anyone. For the last twenty years, I get up at eight every morning, have breakfast at eight thirty, arrive at work at nine, leave work at five thirty, find dinner on the table, and spend the rest of the evening relaxing. Every day, awake at eight, breakfast at eight thirty, work at nine, home at five thirty, dinner on the table at six. Until the day in question -" and he pauses here, noticeably upset.
The lawyer asks him to continue.
He takes a deep breath and starts again: "On the day in question, I woke at eight, had breakfast at eight thirty, was at work at nine, finished at five thirty. But when I came home there was no dinner on the table and no sign of my wife. I went up to the bedroom and found her in bed with a strange man. So I killed her."
The lawyer asks: "And what were your emotions at that time?"
"I was furious. Enraged. Frenzied even. Completely unable to control what happened. Gentlemen of the jury, when I come home at six o'clock, supper HAS to be on the table"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2pep/an_italian_man_is_on_trial_for_killing_his_wife/
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what is the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The Polar Bear...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2peb/what_is_the_stupidest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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Why did the Triceratops die out?

Because they couldn't find any Tricerabottoms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2mrt/why_did_the_triceratops_die_out/
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A gorilla dies of old age in a zoo

Being the only gorilla in the zoo, the zoo officials couldn't afford to lose the only attraction keeping their failing zoo business afloat.
So they immediately decided to hire one of the zookeepers for an extra $100/day to wear the gorilla costume they have in storage and pretend to be the gorilla until they can afford a new one.
For weeks, the zookeeper did lots of tricks in his gorilla suit to the astonishment of thousands of spectators watching the "human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the popularity started to wane. So to get the attention of the crowd once again, he climbed over his enclosure and swung himself from the net ceiling over the lions den beside his enclosure. A large crowd gathered as they watched in terror and suspense. Suddenly, the zookeeper lost his grip and fell straight down on the floor of the lions den. He started crying for help when suddenly a lion pounced him from behind and whispered in his ear, "Shut the fuck up! You're gonna get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2mqg/a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_in_a_zoo/
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Before my Girlfriend moved in I had one night stand...

Things are getting pretty serious, we now have two night stands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2kf3/before_my_girlfriend_moved_in_i_had_one_night/
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My wife messed with my charging cable...

I was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2hoc/my_wife_messed_with_my_charging_cable/
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Ocean's 8 is expected to come out in late 2017

but probably won't be ready until at least 30 minutes after that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2hfi/oceans_8_is_expected_to_come_out_in_late_2017/
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My dad told me about the birds and the bees today...

Then he gave me a broom and told me to clear them out of the attic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r275a/my_dad_told_me_about_the_birds_and_the_bees_today/
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What did one earthquake say to the other?

Was that your fault or mine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r271x/what_did_one_earthquake_say_to_the_other/
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I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta

Now it's a Ford Focus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r2617/i_left_my_adderall_in_my_ford_fiesta/
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What is Trumps favorite movie?

Minority Report!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r22ug/what_is_trumps_favorite_movie/
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Donald Trump always has his partner be on top during sex.

Because he can only fuck up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r21ke/donald_trump_always_has_his_partner_be_on_top/
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What does a stripper do with her asshole everyday before work?

Drops him off at band practice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1z80/what_does_a_stripper_do_with_her_asshole_everyday/
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Teacher asks students to use incompletely in a sentence

A teacher asked the students to use incompletely in a sentence.  One student raises her hand and says " my homework is incomplete".  The teacher says " close but I said to use incompletely".  Little johnny raises his hand but knowing little johnnys tendencies the teacher was afraid to call on him.  Nobody else raised their hand so the teacher calls on johnny.  Little johnny replies " when my balls hit her asshole I know I'm in completely."
Appalled by the answer she sends johnny to the principal.  She then asks to use the word handsome in a sentence.  Little Susie raises her hand and the teacher calls on her.  Susie says " when I blow johnny my mouth gets sore so I have to use my hand some."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1ylm/teacher_asks_students_to_use_incompletely_in_a/
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Little April was not the best student in.....

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1yh0/little_april_was_not_the_best_student_in/
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How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13....13.....13."
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14....14...14."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1wld/how_i_learned_to_mind_my_own_business/
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Most people have a family tree, but I have a family cactus.

Because mine is full of pricks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1v5x/most_people_have_a_family_tree_but_i_have_a/
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I once dated a biologist.

I don't like to brag, but I always provided her with multiple organisms to keep her happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1rt3/i_once_dated_a_biologist/
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Capitalism has many problems but communism only has 3

- Breakfast
- Lunch
- Dinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1pza/capitalism_has_many_problems_but_communism_only/
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Birds for sale...

All of them are going cheap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1pi0/birds_for_sale/
%
"Give it to me! Give it to me! I'm so wet!" She screamed.

"No," I replied, "it's my umbrella."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1nk5/give_it_to_me_give_it_to_me_im_so_wet_she_screamed/
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Double Negatives

...are no-nos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1iay/double_negatives/
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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and.....

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them
"Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates,
but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a
single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the
tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may
be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
"Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front
of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before
Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1hl7/a_bus_full_of_nuns_falls_of_a_cliff_and/
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A man was driving along the coast of California on his motorcycle, just enjoying the scenery around him.

After a long period of cruising and reflecting, the sky opened up, and God Almighty descended to meet him.
"You have been a most faithful follower, my son. You have lived a good life, and for that I would like to grant you any wish." The man looked at God and pondered for a few moments before replying.
"I wish for you to build a driving bridge from California across the ocean, so that all may better appreciate the beauty of your dominion." God shook his head and looked down upon the man.
"Do you not think this is too material of a wish? You could wish for something that betters all of mankind, you could end hunger or war. I will give you one more chance to pick." The man, ashamed of his material choice, took his time before replying with his true wish.
"God, I wish that men would be able to unravel and understand all of the mysteries of women, so that we may better communicate and get a long."
God looked intently at the man before replying.
"One lane or two?“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1bjy/a_man_was_driving_along_the_coast_of_california/
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Our local brothel just went out of business... all they left us was a sign in the window...

Said "Beat it... we're closed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1ah2/our_local_brothel_just_went_out_of_business_all/
%
I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!?

Am I a kitchen or an exit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1adr/i_hate_restaurants_that_have_quirky_and_confusing/
%
I called my son "a bloody disappointment to this family", and my wife burst into tears

Apparently I shouldn't joke about miscarriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r1a1m/i_called_my_son_a_bloody_disappointment_to_this/
%
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r19fs/my_wife_accused_me_of_ruining_her_birthday_but/
%
What's a four letter word pertaining to females ending in -unt?

Aunt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r12z5/whats_a_four_letter_word_pertaining_to_females/
%
What's the fastest thing on land?

Stevie Wonder's speedboat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r10b3/whats_the_fastest_thing_on_land/
%
A father was sitting at the table with his two daughters

Petal and Fridge.
Petal said, "Dad, why is my name Petal?"
Her dad answered, "Because a flower petal was the first thing to fall on you when you were born."
Then Fridge said, "HUURRGRRUWAHGUWAAAAAH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0zsj/a_father_was_sitting_at_the_table_with_his_two/
%
My pencil isn’t prone to making Freudian Slips

but my penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0ytj/my_pencil_isnt_prone_to_making_freudian_slips/
%
Big explosion at the cheese factory earlier....

There was de brie everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0why/big_explosion_at_the_cheese_factory_earlier/
%
My grandma and I were face timing with a bad connection

So she says, "hold on, let me open the door to let some WiFi's in."
True stories can be jokes too..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0w5k/my_grandma_and_i_were_face_timing_with_a_bad/
%
There is a movie about premature ejaculation

Coming Soon, now in theaters.
EDIT 2: I swear this is the first time that this has happened

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0w1g/there_is_a_movie_about_premature_ejaculation/
%
What do Donald Trump and Gordon Ramsay have in common?

They both have a cabinet full of potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0vys/what_do_donald_trump_and_gordon_ramsay_have_in/
%
I think my wife has a blind fetish...

Last night she said she doesn't think we should see each other anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0vo4/i_think_my_wife_has_a_blind_fetish/
%
I like military puns

Generally, they're very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0ub7/i_like_military_puns/
%
Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0r2o/most_women_would_love_to_wake_up_on_their/
%
Someone stole my mood ring...

I'm not sure how I feel about that....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0qd5/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
Many people say a diploma is just a piece of paper. I as an educated person beg to differ

It's a piece of cardboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0qb8/many_people_say_a_diploma_is_just_a_piece_of/
%
To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified

Especially when it's written in Braille.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0q8u/to_some_people_the_words_do_not_touch_leave_them/
%
I hate those cocky Russian Nesting dolls

They are always full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0pvo/i_hate_those_cocky_russian_nesting_dolls/
%
Volkswagon were pretty dumb to name one of their cars 'Golf'

Why name a car after a slow and boring sport where the hardest part is driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0n3q/volkswagon_were_pretty_dumb_to_name_one_of_their/
%
A video of a groundbreaking bowler goes viral

He still had to pay to fix the bowling lane though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0n2i/a_video_of_a_groundbreaking_bowler_goes_viral/
%
Two fish swim into a concrete wall

One turns to the other and  says, "Dam!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0jl0/two_fish_swim_into_a_concrete_wall/
%
A man named Eric Cole...

... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes.
He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r0bpa/a_man_named_eric_cole/
%
A man with 2 extra testicles removed them himself with a knife without anaesthesia

Doing that takes some balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r06w7/a_man_with_2_extra_testicles_removed_them_himself/
%
An Irish cop and an English lawyer

London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!
Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.  License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law.  License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair.  Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living crap out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r055b/an_irish_cop_and_an_english_lawyer/
%
How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space?

It's a little meteor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r04h3/how_can_you_tell_if_a_hamburger_was_grilled_in/
%
Expensive perfume

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume.
She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r03x1/expensive_perfume/
%
I've done jail time for my love of fruit..

I'm a convicted grapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r02p6/ive_done_jail_time_for_my_love_of_fruit/
%
Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5r00hm/tobacco_companies_kill_their_best_customers/
%
Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?

Because he was... shellfish.
hahahaha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzyvl/why_wouldnt_the_lobster_share_his_toys/
%
What is Forrest Gump's password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzxe5/what_is_forrest_gumps_password/
%
I was asked how I view lesbian relationships

Apparently 'in HD' isn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzt5y/i_was_asked_how_i_view_lesbian_relationships/
%
Shortest joke a software developer can tell:

“I’ll be ready soon.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzspb/shortest_joke_a_software_developer_can_tell/
%
As a couple gets into bed

, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey.
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.
"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzr4c/as_a_couple_gets_into_bed/
%
Matthew McConaughey set to guest edit Breibart news next week

Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzns1/matthew_mcconaughey_set_to_guest_edit_breibart/
%
A detective shows up at a crime scene

A bakery has been broken into. After some investigation, a police officer checks up on the detective.
The officer asks, "How's the investigation going?"
"Not good. Hundreds of dollars worth of quality pastries have been stolen." said the detective.
"I heard that there's been a lot of thieves running around town lately." said the officer.
"Sure has." the detective said. "But this one takes the cake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qznck/a_detective_shows_up_at_a_crime_scene/
%
Jack,"Our relationship is over."

Jane,"Our relationship is what? Over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzlns/jackour_relationship_is_over/
%
"Hand me downs"

Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzl4z/hand_me_downs/
%
Teacher: whoever answers .............

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzija/teacher_whoever_answers/
%
My mom won't let me eat while using her laptop anymore...

Because when she caught me stroganoff I dropped my pennes on the keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzihr/my_mom_wont_let_me_eat_while_using_her_laptop/
%
The electromagnetic wave arrived at the hotel, when the hotelier asks...

"Do you have any baggage to check in?" - "No, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzieb/the_electromagnetic_wave_arrived_at_the_hotel/
%
I fell asleep at a party

the other night and someone put a teabag in my mouth. I went fuckin mental. No one treats me like a mug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzh7y/i_fell_asleep_at_a_party/
%
3 guys die and go to hell

So three guys die and go to hell. The first guy is approached by Satan and is asked, "why are you hear?"
He replies, "Dude, I just love food! I love food so much my heart gave out and my stomach exploded!"
Satan looks at him and says, "ok! I'm gonna lock you up in this room here for 10 thousand years with all the delicious foods cooked by the worlds best chefs!"  The guy happily bounces his way in the room and is locked in there.
Satan approaches the second guy and asks, "so why are you here?"  "I love to fuck! I can't get enough of it. I am always horny! I got all the STDs in world and still can't get enough!".. the guy replies.
Satan looks at him and says, "ok! I'm gonna lock you up in this room here for 10 thousand years with all the slutty, most sexy women that have ever lived; pornstars!"  The guy runs into the room with his cock on hand and Satan locks the door.
Satan turns to the third guy and asks, "And you? why are you here?"  They guy replies, "yo.. I just love smoking weed, man. I got so high I fuckin died. I just love to smoke."
"Alright!".. Satan yells. "I'm gonna lock you up in this room for 10 thousand years with all the weed, bongs, papers,etc. ,"  The guy slowly walks in there with a smile and the door shuts behind him.
10,000 years later....
Satan opens the first door and sees food half way eaten, some food is on the floor, chefs aren't doing anything and the guy is doing push-ups and is skinny.
"I can't eat anymore! I literally ate ever I could. I'm free!!!" He grows wings and goes to heaven.
Satan then opens the second door and sees all the women in there bored out of their minds and not doing anything. He sees the guy walking around, humming to himself.
"I have literally fucked the sexuality out of me. I can't do this anymore." He grows wings and goes to heaven.
Satan opens the third and final door and sees nothing has changed. The weed is still in place, the pipes still where they were. Paper is flat; not rolled up. Satan then spots the guy in the corner, in the fetal position, shaking and shivering with horns grown out of his head.
Satan asks "what in the hell happened here!?"
The guy responds... "I've been here 10 thousand years and I ain't got a fuckin lighter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzd58/3_guys_die_and_go_to_hell/
%
New bike

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzd12/new_bike/
%
Why was the diamond depressed?

He had been under a lot of pressure lately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qzbs6/why_was_the_diamond_depressed/
%
Pirate walks into a bar

with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender says "Hey Mr. Pirate, ya know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
Pirate says "Yarrrrr, it's driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qz8tc/pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I tried to give myself a sex change...

...but I couldn't pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qz6iq/i_tried_to_give_myself_a_sex_change/
%
Chinese torture

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qz35u/chinese_torture/
%
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qz1n7/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
What's the difference between a tiny penis and a joke?

My date didn't laugh at my jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qz1b5/whats_the_difference_between_a_tiny_penis_and_a/
%
Did you hear about the Italian that died?

He pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qz0t2/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_that_died/
%
Why cant you play cards on a rowboat?

Because you're sitting on the deck...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qz0d8/why_cant_you_play_cards_on_a_rowboat/
%
Whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyzsm/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
%
A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.
"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"
So the programmer went shopping.
When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked
"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"
The programmer responded.
"they have eggs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyxar/a_programmer_goes_shopping/
%
Miss France just won Miss Universe

The French finally won something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyxab/miss_france_just_won_miss_universe/
%
Doctor: Hi, how are you?

Patient: I'm well thanks.
Doctor: Then get the fuck out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qywxl/doctor_hi_how_are_you/
%
What's the difference between a bag of coke and a toddler

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of coke fall out a window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyts8/whats_the_difference_between_a_bag_of_coke_and_a/
%
A man's adoptive daughter begins to get sexually attracted to her father...

A man's adoptive daughter begins to get sexually attracted to her father.
She starts to advance on him slowly, starting with slightly skimpier clothing, and slowly moving on to blatant flirting and leaving nudes around the house.
One day, the father is climbing up the stairs when he hears a strange noise. Under further investigation, it seemed like the noise was coming from his daughter's room.
He opened the door to find his daughter naked on the bed, pleasuring herself. She looks at him, only mildly startled, and continues to touch herself.
"Please fuck me, Dad. I'm so horny." She sits up and spreads her legs.
Her father, having been resisting temptation for months, finally caves. He rushes over and shoves her down back onto the bed. He undos his belt, unzips his pants, and leans in to whisper seductively:
"Hi horny, I'm Dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyspu/a_mans_adoptive_daughter_begins_to_get_sexually/
%
Tom dies and wakes up in a strange place.

He looks around and sees beautiful surroundings, as if he's at a 5 star resort.
A man in a red outfit walks up to him and says, "Hey buddy, welcome to Hell! I'm the Devil!"
Tom looks around, confused. "Um...I didn't think this was going to be what hell looks like?"
The Devil says, "Oh, those bible thumpers on Earth are always giving this place a bad name.  This place is great! We have different stuff going on all the time. All that stuff they tell you is a sin. Like today's Monday. You like to drink, right?"
Tom says, "Yeah, I like to drink..."
The Devil says, "You're gonna love Mondays. Monday is drinking day! You can drink and drink, get completely wasted, and the next day you wake up, no hangover, nothing! You like to eat, right?"
Tom starts to get more excited. He says, "Yeah I like to eat!"
The Devil says, "You're going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is food day! We got these great chefs and they make tons of great food. You eat and eat, stuff yourself like a glutton, and you never gain weight! You like drugs, right?"
"Hell yeah!" says Tom.
"Man, I tell ya, you're gonna love Wednesdays. Wednesday is drug day. Any drug you want, as much as you want, you can get completely fucked up and it doesn't matter because you're dead! Hey, you like getting fucked in the ass, right?"
Tom says, "Uh- no....."
The Devil says, "Ohhhhh- you're gonna hate Thursdays..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyrwu/tom_dies_and_wakes_up_in_a_strange_place/
%
Trump's wives were immigrants.

Proving again that immigrants will do jobs Americans won't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyrw0/trumps_wives_were_immigrants/
%
Why don't you ever see a crow as roadkill?

They always have another crow as a lookout saying "car, car, car"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qypzd/why_dont_you_ever_see_a_crow_as_roadkill/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A perfect 10, but completely imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyphf/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
I said to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hairback

Apparently thats an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyo0q/i_said_to_my_girlfriend_that_she_would_look/
%
Two politicians die and arrive at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter says "You get to choose which place you want to go to.  I'll show you each place today and you can sleep on it and decide tomorrow."  So he takes them to heaven and everybody's sitting on gold jeweled thrones playing harps and singing God's praises.  They both say "Oh, this looks good."
But St. Peter insists on bringing them to the other place.  The Devil answers the door and brings them to a big banquet hall with every kind of food and delicacy to choose from-- steak and lobster and caviar and fresh vegetables and fruits.  The wine is flowing, and there's plenty of coke, and there are some gorgeous women who seem interested in the 2 politicians.  All their friends are there singing and dancing and telling jokes.
Then they leave and go to sleep outside the Pearly Gates for the night.  The next morning St. Peter asks "Well, which place do you want?"  They say "Well, heaven  is a really nice place.  But I think we'll be more comfortable down in hell with my friends."
So St. Peter brings them down to hell.  The Devil answers the door.  There are all these people standing in excrement up to their butts, drinking coffee.  Then the Devil says "Okay, coffee break's over, go back to standing on your heads now."
The politicians get mad,  "Why did you deceive us, St. Peter?" they ask.  St. Pete Says "This is the Devil's place.  Talk to him about it."  So they turn to the Devil and say "That's not fair.  Why did you deceive us?"
The Devil says "Yesterday we were campaigning.  This morning you voted for us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qynwd/two_politicians_die_and_arrive_at_the_pearly_gates/
%
North Korea bans sarcasm

What a great idea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qynsv/north_korea_bans_sarcasm/
%
A man walks into a restaurant and is told that there will be an estimated hour of waiting for a table

The man responds to this news by asking "Do you know who I am?"
Not recognizing him, the host immediately gives him the next available table in order to make it seem like he does.
"Does this table meet your expectations?" Says the host.
The man again replies "Do you know who I am?"
Once again not knowing who the man is, the host directs him to the nearest booth.
After a few minutes of waiting, the man is visited by the waitress.
"Hello, may I take your order?" She asks, politely.
The man once again asks "Do you know who I am?" with more of an attitude.
The waitress does not recognize him either, and simply takes his menu back and says "I'm incredibly sorry sir"
After more waiting, the man is given the finest dish the chef has ever prepared.
After finishing the delicious meal, he is presented with the bill.
After receiving it, he asks for the final time "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course. Sorry sir, it's on the house." The waitress replies.
After he leaves the restaurant, the host says to the waitress "Do you know who that man was? He sounded like he was kind of a big deal."
The waitress replies "No, but if he was  important, why didn't we know him?"
The two then go back to work as if nothing happenied.
Meanwhile, outside the restaurant, the man sighs and says to himself, "Why won't anyone help me with my amnesia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qylwx/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_and_is_told_that/
%
What do you call a difficult problem in chemistry?

A chemystery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyl8t/what_do_you_call_a_difficult_problem_in_chemistry/
%
Just got back from Chernobyl

And boy are my legs arms!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyk37/just_got_back_from_chernobyl/
%
A sodium ion went to rob a bank.

It was charged, without a doubt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyjdb/a_sodium_ion_went_to_rob_a_bank/
%
The story of a man and his pregnant wife

My wife is prego, but we like to get kinky anyway. One night things begin to get particularly saucy - I'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights. It's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period, I look up at her glassy, jarred facial expression. Worried, I rush her into my car and speed all the way to the hospital, she's still bleeding. By the time we get there she's not bleeding much more but all color has drained and she looks colorless and almost transparent, almost in a vegetative state. We storm into the emergency room and explain everything to the nearest doctor. The doctor replies, "Sorry, there is nothing we can do." "WHY THE FUCK NOT??" I exclaim. "We don't operate on empty jars of spaghetti sauce."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyiz1/the_story_of_a_man_and_his_pregnant_wife/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby

The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyii6/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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You know what the worst part is about dating a Japanese girl?

If I ever decide to break up with her I will have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyigp/you_know_what_the_worst_part_is_about_dating_a/
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A girl lobster meets a crab boy...

...they quickly hit it off and start dating.  Unfortunately, the girl lobsters father is dead set against interspecies relationships and tells his daughter "If you keep seeing that crab boy, I'm cutting you off, no daughter of mine will be with a 'sideways walker', I will not stand for it."  Upset, the girl lobster tells her crab boyfriend about her fathers feelings about 'sideways walkers', the boy crab in love with the girl lobster resolves that he will learn to walk forwards and backwards to prove his love and win her fathers blessing.  He practices for weeks and finally overcomes his natural urge to walk sideways.
Ready to show his true loves father that love conquers all he arrived at the girl lobsters house.  As he is making his way up the sidewalk, in a perfectly straight forward line he hears from inside the house "that does it Lola, (girl lobsters name apparently) that good for nothing crab is here, and he's already drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyi4q/a_girl_lobster_meets_a_crab_boy/
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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyheg/there_is_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but how in the hell did they get in there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyfjp/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"

Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyfd8/teacher_tell_me_a_sentence_that_starts_with_an_i/
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I think these protesters are sending the wrong message...

because they keep telling me to Love Trump's Hate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyf2q/i_think_these_protesters_are_sending_the_wrong/
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If there's a sock on my doorknob...

It means I'm having sex with the other one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qycqd/if_theres_a_sock_on_my_doorknob/
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Two guys sit at a bar...

One says to the other "I've got really bad news."
"What is it?", the friend replies.
"I'm HIV positive".
"Really?!, that's terrible. Is there anything I can do?".
"Yea, can you tell your wife as soon as you get home".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qycbq/two_guys_sit_at_a_bar/
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The orphanage i run, burned down today with the lives of sixty children

Thank fuck i don't have to tell their parents ....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyc3x/the_orphanage_i_run_burned_down_today_with_the/
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Back in my day we used to only have chalkboards. The new whiteboards they use are

Remarkable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qybmd/back_in_my_day_we_used_to_only_have_chalkboards/
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I rather have a bottle of soda for President than Donald Trump.

This way, we could truly have a Liter of the Free World.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qybab/i_rather_have_a_bottle_of_soda_for_president_than/
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A man asked me, which is worse, ignorance or apathy?

I told him, "I don't know, and I don't care."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qyad7/a_man_asked_me_which_is_worse_ignorance_or_apathy/
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Which is better a stool or a box to stand on?

You stand on a stool, though I prefer the ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy9bm/which_is_better_a_stool_or_a_box_to_stand_on/
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I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road

"Are they moving?" asked the operator
"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy8z1/i_called_the_aspca_hotline_to_tell_them_id_just/
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Pasteurize:

Too far to see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy8u0/pasteurize/
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What do you call a Pokemon who is trying to quit smoking?

Vaporeon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy88g/what_do_you_call_a_pokemon_who_is_trying_to_quit/
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What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy80k/what_do_alcoholics_and_necropheliacs_have_in/
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A dog went to a telegram office

Took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "but that would make no sense at all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy7uy/a_dog_went_to_a_telegram_office/
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In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing,

but you could see it a whole lot better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy7pg/in_the_beginning_there_was_nothing_god_said_let/
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A lady goes to her priest one day...

... and tells him, "Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots that used to live in a house of ill repute, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hoo-kers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hoo-kers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy73l/a_lady_goes_to_her_priest_one_day/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy62b/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
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Photons aren't Catholic.

No mass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy4x4/photons_arent_catholic/
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My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on..

Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy3v3/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_look_uncool_with_a_bike/
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A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns...

But I soon realized that toucan play at that game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy2nh/a_friend_of_mine_tried_to_annoy_me_with_bird_puns/
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's an obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy1mt/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy146/my_girlfriend_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the/
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I had a cocaine​ joke, but now I can't find it

It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qy0yb/i_had_a_cocaine_joke_but_now_i_cant_find_it/
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Why doesn't communism work in a school enviroment?

Because everyone would get the same Marx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxys8/why_doesnt_communism_work_in_a_school_enviroment/
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Got in a fight with my boner this morning;

Don't worry i beat it single handedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxxjp/got_in_a_fight_with_my_boner_this_morning/
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What is the difference between Courtney Love and a porcupine?

A porcupines needle won't give you AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxx9z/what_is_the_difference_between_courtney_love_and/
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What do you call a horse with a horn and no balls?

A Eunuchorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxwlg/what_do_you_call_a_horse_with_a_horn_and_no_balls/
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Why did the farmer start a punk rock band?

He was tired of Haulin' Oats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxwft/why_did_the_farmer_start_a_punk_rock_band/
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Redditors are like alchemists.

They try to turn their nonsense into gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxw2s/redditors_are_like_alchemists/
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What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

1 less drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxrtt/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
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Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam.

If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.
The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a_____.” Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. “Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?”
Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, “Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.”
“Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy,” hissed Tiny, “farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxrob/two_football_players_bubba_and_tiny_were_taking/
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What do you call a Nazi cetacean?

Adolfin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxoz9/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_cetacean/
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Why is it so loud in Costco?

Everything comes in high volumes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxist/why_is_it_so_loud_in_costco/
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[Long]A squad of soldiers-in-training stood in line to get their practice weapons...

...for an upcoming simulated battle. As the last guy got up to the sergeant, the sergeant said, “sorry son, we’re all out. Take this broom instead.” The private looked puzzled so the sergeant explained, “When you see the enemy, point the broom at them and say ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Don’t worry, it will work fine.”
So the private and the rest of his squad headed out to the battle field. Shortly after they started marching, the private spotted an enemy. Reluctantly, he put the broom up to his shoulder, aimed down the handle and shouted, “bangity, bangity, bang.” Much to his surprise, the enemy fell over. A few moments later, he spotted another enemy, pointed his broom, and shouted “bangity, bangity, bang.” Again, the enemy fell over.
This, of course energized the private so he jumped up, pointed his broom and shouted “bangity, bangity, bang,” “bangity, bangity, bang,” ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Enemies fell all around him.
Off in the distance, he spotted another enemy, raised his broom and shouted “bangity, bangity, bang.” This time, however, the enemy didn’t fall over. As the enemy got closer, the private pointed his broom and shouted even louder, “bangity, bangity, bang.” Still, the enemy didn’t fall and, instead, just kept marching toward the private.
The enemy got within feet of the private and one more time he aimed his broom and screamed, “bangity, bangity, bang.” But the enemy just kept on marching. He walked into the private, knocked him over, stepped on him and kept on walking. And as he went by, the private heard the enemy say, “tankity, tankity, tank, tankity, tankity, tank.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxhxh/longa_squad_of_soldiersintraining_stood_in_line/
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My friend asked me, "Where's my book of opera puns?"

I said, "It's overture house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxg7z/my_friend_asked_me_wheres_my_book_of_opera_puns/
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An old Jewish man is dying at home in bed.

His entire family is gathered around him.
Sarah, the man calls for his wife...
Im here dear.
And the kids?
We are all here too dad.
And the grandchildren?
We are all here.
Well, if you are all here then why is the light in the kitchen turned on?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxfm7/an_old_jewish_man_is_dying_at_home_in_bed/
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No matter how hard you push the envelope

It still remains stationery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxe4q/no_matter_how_hard_you_push_the_envelope/
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I once dreamed that I fell down a flight of stairs.

I was so relieved when I woke up safely in the hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxe4d/i_once_dreamed_that_i_fell_down_a_flight_of_stairs/
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The Mexican drug lord El Chapo has been extradited to the United States...

It's still unclear which cabinet post he'll be appointed to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxdqd/the_mexican_drug_lord_el_chapo_has_been/
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Will glass coffins be popular in future?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxc4b/will_glass_coffins_be_popular_in_future/
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Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud

You just said "Razor Blades" in an Australian accent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qxa9i/say_rise_up_lights_out_loud/
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So I took a practice test on photons today...

It didn't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qx9im/so_i_took_a_practice_test_on_photons_today/
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Reddit is really a green community,

considering all the recycled content on here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qx804/reddit_is_really_a_green_community/
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I found a new passion yesterday pairing socks.

I guess I just enjoy bringing sole mates together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qx7aa/i_found_a_new_passion_yesterday_pairing_socks/
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Why are there no cats on mars?

Curiosity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qx647/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
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Why did the PowerPoint cross the road?

To get to the other slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qx62m/why_did_the_powerpoint_cross_the_road/
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Life is a lot like chess

You've always got to be thinking two steps ahead.
And most people want to be white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qx5z3/life_is_a_lot_like_chess/
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Even if they all unite against Trump, those seven countries won't get off the list

A seven nation army couldn't hold Trump back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qx5mn/even_if_they_all_unite_against_trump_those_seven/
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I just wanted a drink.

Stopped at Speedway to buy a drink. When I pulled in, I noticed these two cops watching a woman who was smoking while fueling up. I'm thinking, "Wow...what an idiot! The police are standing right there!"
I go in and get my drink. As I was paying, I hear someone scream, "Look outside!" OMG!! The woman's arm was on fire!!!
She's running around like a chicken with its head cut off, waving her arm around and just going nuts. We all went outside and watched the cops put her on the ground and put the fire out with an extinguisher. After all the craziness, I start walking to my car and I see the cops put her in handcuffs. The guy next to me is like, "What the heck?!?" (I, of course, stick around because it looks like the guy is a jerk and I want to see what is going to happen next.) He asked the cops, "What in the world are you arresting her for? After all, wasn't catching her arm on fire punishment enough?"
I kid you not...the cop looked him dead in the eye and said, "For waving a Firearm"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qx3fg/i_just_wanted_a_drink/
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Rumour has it Eminem has converted to Islam.

From now on, he will call himself "Muslim Shady."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qx2fu/rumour_has_it_eminem_has_converted_to_islam/
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My daughter just told me she's infertile.

"That's a great joke," I said. "I can't wait to tell it to my grandchildren."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qx2ee/my_daughter_just_told_me_shes_infertile/
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A little boy walks into a whore house dragging a dead frog...

He goes up to the man at the counter and say "excuse me sir, I'd like a woman please."
The man replies "sorry son, but you're much too young."
So the little boy puts a hundred dollar bill on the counter.
And the man says "okay go to room 4."
Then the little boy says "wait I need a woman with active herpes."
The man says "sorry all our girls are clean."
The boy puts another hundred dollar bill on the counter.
The man says "okay go to room 2."
So the little boy goes to the room with the prostitute and his dead frog, is in there for twenty minutes then comes out and goes to leave. But the man, full of curiosity cannot resist asking the boy "why did you want herpes and what's with the dead frog?"
The little boy replies "when I go home I will have sex with the babysitter, giving her the herpes. Then when my dad drives her home, she will give it to him. Then when my parents have sex tonight, he will give it to my mom. And when my father goes to work in the morning my mom will give it to the pool boy and he's the BASTARD THAT RAN OVER MY FROG!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qx1lc/a_little_boy_walks_into_a_whore_house_dragging_a/
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The propellor of a plane is actually a giant fan for the pilot

When the fan stops, you can actually see the pilot start sweating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qwya6/the_propellor_of_a_plane_is_actually_a_giant_fan/
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down...

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qwy1n/whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i_will/
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The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan...

Black Fridays Matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qwxcp/the_day_after_thanksgiving_is_often_the_biggest/
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An atheist is walking alone in the woods

When a bear appears and starts running towards the man. The man closes his eyes and screams "Oh God help me". He opens his eyes again and the bear is standing still with his paws only inches from his face, the bear is not moving at all, almost like time stood still. A loud voice is heard from the sky.
- God: Why are you calling on me now? You never believed in me before.
- Man: Help me this bear is going to eat me.
- God: Sorry I can not help you I only help Christian's.
- Man: Well, make me a Christian then.
- God: You do not have enough faith to be a Christian, even this bear has more faith than you.
- Man: Please, can you at least turn the bear into a Christian?
Suddenly the bear starts to move again. The bear lowers both of its paws towards it's chest and puts them together. The man can hear the bear say under it's breath "Dear God thank you for this food you have provided for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qwx7d/an_atheist_is_walking_alone_in_the_woods/
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A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."
A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY just shit my pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qwvwh/a_nursery_school_teacher_says_to_her_class_who/
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A masochist and a sadist are doing their thing…

The masochist says: "Hit me" and the sadist answers: "no…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qwusa/a_masochist_and_a_sadist_are_doing_their_thing/
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What did the math book say to the literature book?

You're so full of great stories, I'm just filled with problems

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qwtlm/what_did_the_math_book_say_to_the_literature_book/
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A happy 80 year old man goes to see his doctor

Doctor: Why are you so happy?
Old Man: My 19 year old wife is pregnant! Can you believe it?!
Doctor: Wow, that great news! You know, I have a story to tell you.
Old Man: Go ahead
Doctor: I once had a friend. He would go hunting every weekend. One day he forgot to bring his gun. He brought his umbrella instead.
Old Man: Ok...
Doctor: He then saw a bear. Not knowing what to do, he opened the umbrella, and poof, the bear died.
Old Man: How's that possible? You can't kill a bear with an umbrella
Doctor: Exactly. Somebody else must've shot the bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qwsb2/a_happy_80_year_old_man_goes_to_see_his_doctor/
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What is the hardest part about your wife telling you she has AIDS?

Acting surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qwncr/what_is_the_hardest_part_about_your_wife_telling/
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A monk is allowed to say only two words every year

Per his oath of silence, a monk is only allowed to say two words every year. After his first year, he comes before the head abbot to speak his two words.
"Better Food."
The head abbot understands and obliges the monk, hiring a new chef and improving the food quality at the monastery.
A year later, the monk appears to speak his next two words.
"Warmer Blankets."
The head abbot gets right on it and purchases new blankets for the monk.
The next year, the monk appears once again for his annual two words.
"I quit."
The head abbot replies, "Well good, all you've done since you got here is complain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qwkjh/a_monk_is_allowed_to_say_only_two_words_every_year/
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A Christian is out on the ocean when his boat capsizes...

He immediately starts praying. After half an hour a boat pulls up. "Hey! Need some help?" "No thanks! God will save me!" So the boat speeds off.
After another hour another boat pulls up. "Hey there! Need any help?" "No thanks! God will save me!" So the boat speeds off.
After a grueling two hours treading water, a third boat pulls up. "You need some help?" "No thanks! God will save me!" So the third boat moves along.
Hours pass. Too tired to tread water anymore, the Christian sinks and drowns. Standing at the gates to heaven, God shows up to let him in.
"God! Why didn't you save me?!"
God just shakes his head, "I sent you three damn boats! What more do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qwejv/a_christian_is_out_on_the_ocean_when_his_boat/
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What kind of ships can't go in salt water?

Snail-boats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qweak/what_kind_of_ships_cant_go_in_salt_water/
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Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian.

That's what most Christians do anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qwe7j/dear_muslim_refugees_just_pretend_to_be_christian/
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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qwb6s/a_guy_is_stranded_on_an_island_with_only_a/
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A man walks into a bar with his dog

and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.
'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qw90u/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_dog/
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A man and his camel

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and got back on.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert, the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want!"
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished, the three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr?"
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qw1hg/a_man_and_his_camel/
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A Young Brunette Goes into the Doctor's Office

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible" says the doctor, "show me".
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really a blonde".
She says "Yes, doctor".
"I thought so." the doctor says, then continues: "Your finger is broken".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qw13h/a_young_brunette_goes_into_the_doctors_office/
%
What part of your hand is the most salty?

The NaCls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvxhj/what_part_of_your_hand_is_the_most_salty/
%
A man is driving with his wife and a small child when a cop pulls them over.

A man is driving with his wife and a small child. A cop pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the cop says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, “Yes, perhaps it is broken,” and sends them on their way.
As they drive off, the man turns to his wife and says, “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple of shots of vodka.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvsp2/a_man_is_driving_with_his_wife_and_a_small_child/
%
Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvsi9/communism_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
What's the difference between your mom and a bowling ball?

Your mom can't fit in a bowling ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvru3/whats_the_difference_between_your_mom_and_a/
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2 cactuses are talking to each other

One of them asks the other, "Hey, do you know how to speak the human language?"
To which he responds, "yeah it's easy, they always say ouch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvrfb/2_cactuses_are_talking_to_each_other/
%
What do you call a wine loving horse?

Chardon-neigh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvpx2/what_do_you_call_a_wine_loving_horse/
%
i don't think women should stay in the kitchen...

i mean, how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house from there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvpkk/i_dont_think_women_should_stay_in_the_kitchen/
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A Muslim enters the United States

Oh sorry thought it was still 2016.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvoyp/a_muslim_enters_the_united_states/
%
David received a parrot for his birthday

The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvo2m/david_received_a_parrot_for_his_birthday/
%
What was Tigger doing in the toilet?

Looking for Pooh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvm31/what_was_tigger_doing_in_the_toilet/
%
I returned from court to see 'Welcome home dad' hanging over the foyer..

It was a suspended sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvlbc/i_returned_from_court_to_see_welcome_home_dad/
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A cowboy is captured by a Native American tribe.

The chief approaches the cowboy and tells him, "Your people have encroached upon our lands and killed our brothers, We may kill you in retribution. But we are generous. We will offer you one request per day for the next three days. Choose wisely. What is your first request?"
The cowboy thinks for a moment and asks for his horse. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy whispers something into its ear. The horse takes off and arrives back that night with a beautiful blond on its back. She dismounts the horse and spends the night with the cowboy making passionate love.
On the second day, the chief approaches the cowboy and says, "White man. You have two requests remaining. Think not of carnal desires but of how you might redeem yourself. What is your second request?
Again the cowboy asks for his horse. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy again whispers something into the horse's ear. The horse takes off and arrives back that night with a beautiful red-head on its back. The red-head dismounts and spends the night with the cowboy making passionate love.
On the third day, The chief again approaches the cowboy and says, "White man, today is your final request. Choose wisely. You may yet redeem yourself."
Without hesitation, the cowboy asks for his horse one more time. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy grabs it by both of its ears, looks it in its eyes and yells, "POSSE, GODDAMNIT. BRING THE POSSE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvksg/a_cowboy_is_captured_by_a_native_american_tribe/
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Muslims in the U.S.A

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvkg6/muslims_in_the_usa/
%
I have a Chinese friend with really bad internet

His name is Hai Ping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvk5t/i_have_a_chinese_friend_with_really_bad_internet/
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Why did the scarecrow receive an award?

It was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvjy4/why_did_the_scarecrow_receive_an_award/
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Tip: if you don't want comedians weighing in on politics....

...don't elect a joke.
(Credit to Bo Burnham)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvjut/tip_if_you_dont_want_comedians_weighing_in_on/
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How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg?

None. It fell down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvheq/how_many_chicago_policemen_does_it_take_to_crack/
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A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night...

... and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain.
And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvhe6/a_guy_goes_to_a_5_lady_of_the_night/
%
If pronouncing your b's like v's makes you sound Russian...

Then *soviet!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvged/if_pronouncing_your_bs_like_vs_makes_you_sound/
%
My rich uncle just passed away so I recently came into some money

But now the bills are all stuck together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvg7u/my_rich_uncle_just_passed_away_so_i_recently_came/
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A English teacher says to a African student..

"okay you're doing really good with your English, I would like you to use the word dandelion in a sentence" the student replies "ohh that is easy, The giraffe, is bigger, dan de lion"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvg40/a_english_teacher_says_to_a_african_student/
%
I hate people who use the wrong words in a sentence and don't correct themselves

They sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvfrv/i_hate_people_who_use_the_wrong_words_in_a/
%
It's always I before E

Except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvef3/its_always_i_before_e/
%
I saw a man with a several rabbits on his head today...

When I inquired as to why he had rabbits on his head, he simply stated "From a distance they look like hares"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvd62/i_saw_a_man_with_a_several_rabbits_on_his_head/
%
Why do men sound like they're having an orgasm when they're lifting weights?

And why is my father lifting weights in the bathroom?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvcab/why_do_men_sound_like_theyre_having_an_orgasm/
%
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qvars/what_kind_of_shoes_do_ninjas_wear/
%
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qv8s2/what_did_the_buddhist_say_to_the_hot_dog_vendor/
%
Just found out I was dating a commie

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qv5yg/just_found_out_i_was_dating_a_commie/
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Letter to a madman

Inside a hospice, a madman approaches the others with a blank paper, examining it with attention. The other crazy people can not resist curiosity and ask:
_ What is it?
The crazy one with the letter, responds
_ A letter from my brother
Even for the other crazy people, that was too absurd.
_ But the letter is blank.
The madman responds serenely
_ We do not talk anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qv35h/letter_to_a_madman/
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having sex for pleasure

Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin.
I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qv24q/having_sex_for_pleasure/
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A college student is taking a walk in Central park in New York.

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He saves the girl's life, but the pit bull is killed in the process.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl". The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'", the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!", says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" The man says: - "I am a Saudi !"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5quzqn/a_college_student_is_taking_a_walk_in_central/
%
Husband: "I have good news and bad news"

Wife: "Tell me the bad news first."
Husband: "The washing machine broke."
Wife: "And the good news?"
Husband: "The dogs are clean."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5quwcw/husband_i_have_good_news_and_bad_news/
%
A woman goes to movies with her newborn son.

The kid starts crying and keeps crying for 10-15 minutes.
Frustrated, a man screams :" damnit woman, put a boob in the kid's mouth. "
Angered by the remark, the woman's husband stands up and starts lecturing the guy in the dark about how he is a awful human being and doesn't know how to behave with woman.
The man screams again :" put one in his mouth too. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5quu72/a_woman_goes_to_movies_with_her_newborn_son/
%
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qur1w/a_male_patient_is_lying_in_bed_in_the_hospital/
%
I just enlisted my kids into the Navy.

Or as the wife calls it, masturbated in the shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qup18/i_just_enlisted_my_kids_into_the_navy/
%
A pregnant prostitute visits her Doctor...

The Doctor asks, "do you know who the father is?"
The prostitute replies, "if you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qune8/a_pregnant_prostitute_visits_her_doctor/
%
Do you know what Mexicans think about Trump's wall?

Who cares, they'll get over it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qumy5/do_you_know_what_mexicans_think_about_trumps_wall/
%
Never trust a stairwell.

Every time you turn around, it's a new story!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qufdf/never_trust_a_stairwell/
%
So my wife thinks I'm really annoying...

but we tried anal for the first time the other day so now I'm really a pain in her ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qub76/so_my_wife_thinks_im_really_annoying/
%
A woman meets a man...

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up  leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly
teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly  medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge
enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The man responds, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5quasa/a_woman_meets_a_man/
%
Why do you never see a black person with Down Syndrome?

God doesn't punish anyone twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5quagq/why_do_you_never_see_a_black_person_with_down/
%
I wouldn't bother making a joke about an infinite line

No point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qu6ke/i_wouldnt_bother_making_a_joke_about_an_infinite/
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I finally got one over.

The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'
'Fine.' I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'
I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qu4rv/i_finally_got_one_over/
%
How long do owls live?

Six and a half books.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qu48o/how_long_do_owls_live/
%
One of life's greatest pleasures is watching your wedding video backwards...

It starts off with lots of sex in a far flung exotic country.
Then you move on to a massive party, surrounded by your family and your best friends, getting drunk and having a great time.
Then you take off that ring, walk back down the aisle, leave the church, and go back to the pub with your friends after which an easy, stress-free, happy life awaits you.
Bliss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qu307/one_of_lifes_greatest_pleasures_is_watching_your/
%
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today....

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qu0h6/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_21_year_old_girl_today/
%
What do you call a basement full of progressives?

A whine cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qu0a2/what_do_you_call_a_basement_full_of_progressives/
%
What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A "Do-You-Think-He-Saw-urus"
How do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
Do-You-Think-He-Saw-urus Rex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtzmf/what_do_you_call_a_blind_dinosaur/
%
A Muslim walks into the U.S

Just kidding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtyu2/a_muslim_walks_into_the_us/
%
When I feel like I have nobody to talk to...

I call the NSA. They're really nice because they always listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtvv8/when_i_feel_like_i_have_nobody_to_talk_to/
%
Fastfood

Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries!
Man: Right here!
Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight.
Man: Oh, it wasn't long at al- wait...
Clerk: >:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qttt1/fastfood/
%
A father and his 6-year-old......

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.
The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qttl5/a_father_and_his_6yearold/
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My teacher pointed at me with......

My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said “at the end of this ruler is and idiot!”
I got detention after I asked him which end he was referring to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtsnl/my_teacher_pointed_at_me_with/
%
A priest is giving a nun a ride home after mass one day...

As they come to a stoplight the priest rests his hand on the nuns knee. The nun says "Father remember Luke 14:10", and the priest removes his hand from her knee. A little while later they come to a stop again and he places his hand on her thigh, she again says "Father remember Luke 14:10", he quickly removes his hand. He doesn't try this again, after dropping her off he heads home and picks up his bible and flips to Luke 14:10 and it says, "Friend, move up to a better place"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtrzc/a_priest_is_giving_a_nun_a_ride_home_after_mass/
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1-step guide for Asexual Reproduction

Go fuck yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtoyo/1step_guide_for_asexual_reproduction/
%
My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up.

So I just packed my bags and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtnzn/my_wife_said_shes_had_enough_of_me_because_i/
%
My wife was choking at dinner, so I flipped her over the table, pulled her knickers down and stuck my tongue up her arse.

The shock made her spit out the obstruction and breathe again.
Thank god I knew the hind-lick manoeuvre!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtmwk/my_wife_was_choking_at_dinner_so_i_flipped_her/
%
President Trump! What about the aliens from space?

We need a ROOF!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtls0/president_trump_what_about_the_aliens_from_space/
%
A poor little boy writes a letter to Santa

A little boy from a very, VERY poor family writes a letter to Santa: "Dear Santa, I'm very poor and I don't have much. My dad passed away last year and my mom doesn't spend much time with me as she's usually very tired after drinking wine. I know that you brought all those rich kids from school plenty of fancy toys last year, but I don't care for these. However, I wish you could bring me a hat, a scarf and a pair of gloves, so I could go out and play with my friends in the snow. That would be the most beautiful day of my life. With love, Johnny".
A post office employee intercepts the letter, reads if, and is moved by the little kid's story. She decides to go around the office and collect some money to buy little Johnny the gift he's been dreaming of.
After chasing everyone in the office, she manages to gather $13... $14... $15. After work, she goes to a little shop nearby to buy the hat, scarf and gloves. Unfortunately, she only has enough money for a hat and a scarf. Oh well, that should do just fine. She wraps the gift, attaches a letter with it "Dear Johnny, here is the gift you've asked me for. Enjoy the company of your friends on this very special day. Your friend, Santa", and sends it to the kid. She feels great - a little kid's dream has been achieved thanks to her and her colleagues from the post office.
One week later, she intercepts another letter from the kid addressed to Santa, and is excited to read about the kid's wonderful Christmas Day: "Dear Santa. I received your gift, thank you very much. Unfortunately, I couldn't go out and play with my friends and had to stay home with my mom (she gets pretty mean after two bottles of wine), because there were only a hat and a scarf in the box (no gloves), and my mom wouldn't let me go out without a pair of gloves. It's probably those fuckers from the post office who stole the gloves. Love, Johnny"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtlai/a_poor_little_boy_writes_a_letter_to_santa/
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What are they going to use to build the wall?

The bricks that were shat by people when Trump became president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtkbf/what_are_they_going_to_use_to_build_the_wall/
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A man went to the doctor

The doctor said "im afraid your illness is terminal..."
The man asked "well how long do i have doc?"
The doctor said "10"
The man asked "10 what?"
The doctor said "9, 8, 7....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtip0/a_man_went_to_the_doctor/
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Ask /r/personalfinance to draw you a line, they deliver a circle.

They always make ends meet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtia6/ask_rpersonalfinance_to_draw_you_a_line_they/
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I go into a bar in scotland

The bartender looks rather angry so I go up to him and ask what's up
He says 'you see that bridge over there' pointing outside. I built that. But do they call me Angus the bridge builder. Nooo.
'You see this bar. I built it. Do they call me Angus the bar builder. No.'
'But ye get caught with one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qthg8/i_go_into_a_bar_in_scotland/
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I don't want to make a political joke

It might get elected as president of the United States

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtf3q/i_dont_want_to_make_a_political_joke/
%
So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means.

It's not like it's the end of the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtegw/so_what_if_i_dont_know_what_apocalypse_means/
%
A man is caught staring so hard at his marriage certificate by his wife...

She asks him what he's looking for.
He replies, "oh just the expiration date!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtect/a_man_is_caught_staring_so_hard_at_his_marriage/
%
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder...

The bartender says "What a strange pet, what's his name?"
"Tiny." the man replies.
"What an odd name, why do you call him tiny?"
"Because he's my newt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qte7l/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_newt_on_his_shoulder/
%
My girlfriend's a crappy computer

... she always shuts down when I need her but never shuts up when I don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtb8e/my_girlfriends_a_crappy_computer/
%
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?

"I'M BREADY TO DIE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtb13/what_did_the_bread_say_before_it_jumped_into_the/
%
I wanted a cat but the wife wanted a dog

... so we compromised and got a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qtay4/i_wanted_a_cat_but_the_wife_wanted_a_dog/
%
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.
Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that is disgusting and rude — and if you do it again I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."
He says, "I am so sorry, but I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, "Oh you poor man. Are you taking anything for it?"
He answers, "Pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qta9z/a_man_is_sitting_next_to_a_woman_on_a_jet_thats/
%
There are three types of people in this world.

People who can count and people who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qt7o6/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
I like my women like I like my moose

Big, brown, and horny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qt6zm/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_moose/
%
That's a nice ham you have there

It would be a shame if someone put an 's' at the start and an 'e' at the end...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qt51s/thats_a_nice_ham_you_have_there/
%
What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common?

Immigrants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qt4k7/what_do_intel_google_uber_ebay_mcdonalds/
%
Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!

This is what Santa Clause says when he sees your wife, mother and sister together in the same room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qt4bo/ho_ho_ho_merry_christmas/
%
50% of Canada

Is the letter A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qt459/50_of_canada/
%
A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live...

Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qt0hp/a_doctor_gives_his_patient_the_bad_news_that_he/
%
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping

happily down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
“My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf!” says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time, he is crouched behind a tree stump. “My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf!” Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About another two miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. “My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf!”
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…”Will you fuck off?! I’m trying to take a shit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qsyjy/little_red_riding_hood_is_skipping/
%
Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more.

They're called the Lincoln Logs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qswuv/apparently_abraham_lincoln_kept_extremely/
%
A guy dies and wakes up on a beach.

Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbecues everywhere, laughter and joy.                                                   All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says.                                                                                      The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole.                      The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan.                       "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?"                                                                        "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qswpn/a_guy_dies_and_wakes_up_on_a_beach/
%
Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he
hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts.
I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qsvzq/joe_wanted_to_buy_a_harley_motorcycle/
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How did the roman cannibal feel about his victim?

He was glad he ate her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qsv0w/how_did_the_roman_cannibal_feel_about_his_victim/
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West

. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qstyk/a_threelegged_dog_walks_into_a_saloon_in_the_old/
%
How do you trigger a switch?

Flip it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qst9c/how_do_you_trigger_a_switch/
%
Where will Trump get the materials for the wall?

At Wall-mart!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qssdc/where_will_trump_get_the_materials_for_the_wall/
%
Which bear can dissolve in water?

A polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qsrxk/which_bear_can_dissolve_in_water/
%
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qsrpm/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic/
%
Why was the dog shaking?

He had Barkinson's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qso7z/why_was_the_dog_shaking/
%
What's the difference between gluten and hillbillies?

One's inbred, the others in bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qsnpk/whats_the_difference_between_gluten_and/
%
"Give it to me," my girlfriend yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qsjwy/give_it_to_me_my_girlfriend_yelled_im_so_fucking/
%
I'm surprised Trump ran as a Republican

I thought he was running as a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qshrv/im_surprised_trump_ran_as_a_republican/
%
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qsfly/my_wife_was_abducted_by_a_gang_of_mimes/
%
What is a pirate's favorite type of joke?

Traditionally a pun involving an "arrr", but for the purposes of this joke, it's sarrrcasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qse0q/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_type_of_joke/
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What's the difference between New York City and the Land of Mordor?

Two Towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qsc0i/whats_the_difference_between_new_york_city_and/
%
In the 90's Arsenal Soccer Club

Had a player called David Dicks. When he was injured,the Newspaper wrote"Arsenal to play without Dicks". The coach was upset so the Newspaper changed the headline to read"Arsenal to play with Dicks out"... A record number of women attended the match

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qsal4/in_the_90s_arsenal_soccer_club/
%
I'm not a Grammar Nazi

I'm alt-write

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qs964/im_not_a_grammar_nazi/
%
3 moles were digging underground. They are in perfect line.

Out of nowhere each gets a slightly different smell of the same source.
"What is that delicious smell in front of us?" Asks the first mole.
"I don't know know, but it smells like cotton candy!" Replies the middle mole.
"No, no! It has got to be butterscotch!" The first shouts. The first and middle look to the mole at the end of the line.
"Who do you agree with?"
The last mole stops. "I disagree with the both of you. It smells like molasses!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qs7jd/3_moles_were_digging_underground_they_are_in/
%
Why didn't the shrimp share his food??

He was a little shellfish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qs36f/why_didnt_the_shrimp_share_his_food/
%
Whats the difference between an anal thermometer and an oral thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qs2vm/whats_the_difference_between_an_anal_thermometer/
%
2 Christians are lost in the Arabian desert

The first day is hot, and they're miserable after running out of food and water.  The night is surprisingly cold and even worse than the day.  The second day and night are even worse.
On the third morning, hotter than the past 2 days, they see a mosque.  "We're saved!" exclaims one.  The other is wary and says he doesn't think they'll help Christians.  The first says he doesn't care, he's so hungry he'd rather be killed than starve.  The second one decides to tell them he's Muslim.
They arrive and the first man says he's Christian and asks for help.  The Muslims are very friendly and tell him they have plenty of food and water for him.  The second one tells them he's Muslim.  The reply: "Salaam, brother!  Happy Ramadan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qs2qu/2_christians_are_lost_in_the_arabian_desert/
%
Mountain ranges aren't funny

They're hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qs0b4/mountain_ranges_arent_funny/
%
Trump: "Hows that Mexican mall going?"

"Mall? We thought you said wall"
Trump: "No way that's harsh, also hows that Muslim band looking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrzx1/trump_hows_that_mexican_mall_going/
%
The Unemployed Engineer

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrxpj/the_unemployed_engineer/
%
Why Do Scottish people wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrw7m/why_do_scottish_people_wear_kilts/
%
What is a Freudian slip?

It's when you say one thing but fuck your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrvw3/what_is_a_freudian_slip/
%
There was a kidnapping at my school

He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qru2q/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_my_school/
%
I was going to make a joke about sodium but then I thought

Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrt7k/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_sodium_but_then/
%
A bear joke

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrsbh/a_bear_joke/
%
A young artist puts his first exhibit in an art gallery

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qroud/a_young_artist_puts_his_first_exhibit_in_an_art/
%
Donald Trump's family bought him a Gandalf the Grey costume for his birthday.

Unfortunately, this wasn't the sort of Grand Wizard outfit he had in mind...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qroik/donald_trumps_family_bought_him_a_gandalf_the/
%
Who was the roundest knight at the Round Table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrnvs/who_was_the_roundest_knight_at_the_round_table/
%
Not saying there is a direct correlation between Trump's election...

But the Chinese did say this would be the year of the Cock ages ago!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrloi/not_saying_there_is_a_direct_correlation_between/
%
I like my women how I like my coffee.

Without a penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrld7/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
They really grow them big in Texas

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"
"Well ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes."
"What size?"
"Size 15 ... double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."
She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrl7q/they_really_grow_them_big_in_texas/
%
My girlfriend finally asked me who I've had sex with in all of my life

I held back nothing and told her about every one of them. My first, the girls in higschool, that one time with her friend back in college, until I got to her... I probably should've stopped there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrl02/my_girlfriend_finally_asked_me_who_ive_had_sex/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrkxi/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
I have a Taiwanese friend who is is incredibly rude and bossy

He has a strong Taipei personality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrkal/i_have_a_taiwanese_friend_who_is_is_incredibly/
%
A man sits at a bar crying

The barkeeper asks him: "Why are you crying?"
He answers:"My wife and I had an argue and she said she won't talk to me again for a whole year."
"That's terrible", the barkeeper replied.
The Man:"Worse, the year is over today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrjnv/a_man_sits_at_a_bar_crying/
%
Sometimes I do things to children that they're too young to understand...

...such as teaching them calculus and microbiology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qriwf/sometimes_i_do_things_to_children_that_theyre_too/
%
Donald Trumps hands are not that small

Any hands would look small on such a massive cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qribp/donald_trumps_hands_are_not_that_small/
%
An English speaker, a French speaker, a Spanish speaker, and a German speaker are in a park...

... when a man stands up on a table in front of them and asks if they can see him.
They all nod and say:
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrhg2/an_english_speaker_a_french_speaker_a_spanish/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. We are efficient and don't have humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrfv5/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A boy asks his father

, "Dad, what does a vagina look like?"
The dad asks "Before or after sex, son?"
The boy replies "Both."
So the dad says "Before- it's like a beautiful rose. Just amazing and beautiful, truly something to appreciate..."
So the boy says "And after?"
"Son, have you ever seen a pit bull after it's gotten into a jar of mayonnaise?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrft4/a_boy_asks_his_father/
%
There are two types of people in this world

Those who can extrapolate information based off of the given context

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrepl/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
What do you call a Muslim on a plane?

Soon to be detained for flying home to his family in Houston after a business trip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrcx6/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_on_a_plane/
%
Three Muslim refugees try to enter the US

Three Muslim refugees flee to America only to learn that only Christian refugees are being allowed.  The first Muslim steps up to the immigration officer and says ,"I am a Christian and would like refugee status."  The officer says,"ok if you are a Christian tell me about all saints day."   The first Muslim says, "oh, all saints day very holy day in the Christian calendar. That's when all of the boys give their sweethearts flowers and candy and ask will you be mine."  The immigration officer says, "hey you are Muslim get out of here." The second Muslim steps up to the officer and the officer says,"hey, are you sure you are Christian? If you are tell me about Christmas." The second Muslim says, "oh, Christmas very holy day in Christian calendar. That is the day when the children dress up as ghosts and ghouls and ask for tricks and treats." The officer says to the second Muslim, "you're no Christian, get out of here."  The final Muslim steps up to the immigration officer and says, "I am Christian and would like entry."  The officer says, "well if you are Christian tell me about Easter."  The third Muslim says," oh, Easter, very holy day in the Christian calendar.  Christ the savior dies on the cross on a Friday, and is removed and buried. For three days his body lies in the grave behind a heavy stone.  On the third day, Easter Sunday, Christ is risen he pushes aside the heavy stone, sees his shadow, six more weeks of winter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrc67/three_muslim_refugees_try_to_enter_the_us/
%
Good thing I don't see any political posts on my news feed

In fact, my Myspace friends haven't really posted much since 2010.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qrbxk/good_thing_i_dont_see_any_political_posts_on_my/
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I was banned from the Middle East, so this is what I did...

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qr5v7/i_was_banned_from_the_middle_east_so_this_is_what/
%
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

You can actually punch information into a computer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qr52l/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
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White House Update: Dick Cheney extends hunting invitation to Trump

Nope. Sorry. Just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qr302/white_house_update_dick_cheney_extends_hunting/
%
Political opinions are like assholes

If yours shows up in my Facebook feed I will probably block you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qr2p0/political_opinions_are_like_assholes/
%
How can you tell male from female ants?

Throw them in a bucket of water; if it floats, it's buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qr1nb/how_can_you_tell_male_from_female_ants/
%
Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad...

I think its time for USB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qr0bi/guys_the_usa_is_looking_pretty_bad/
%
An invisible man and an invisible woman got married.

Their kids were nothing to look at either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qr08h/an_invisible_man_and_an_invisible_woman_got/
%
Classic

Why don't blind people like to go skydiving?
Because it scares the dogs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqzap/classic/
%
It's been a week since my wife went missing.

The police told me to expect the worst. So I took her things back out of the garbage bin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqwa6/its_been_a_week_since_my_wife_went_missing/
%
Nihilist Horse Walks in to a Bar

A Horse walks into a bar.
The Bartender sees such a vivid depth
of despair and dissatisfaction in the Horse's eyes,
like the Horse has stared into the abyss
and found the infinite void of nothingness so deep
that the Horse could no longer believe
that he himself nor anyone nor anything else existed.
To say something exists requires knowledge of self,
which requires knowledge of existence of the self,
an obviously impossible leap of logic,
absurd to even attempt to conceive or contemplate.
The Bartender,
in that single instant within the Horse's mind,
became the nothingness the Horse perceived,
and thus was rendered speechless.
If neither the Horse,
nor the Bartender,
nor the bar itself can be said to exist,
then why should he ask,
how could he ask,
"why the long face?"
The question can have no meaning,
and that which has no meaning cannot be stated.
The Bartender, dumbstruck, not by realization of mortality
but by fundamental doubt that he was ever alive,
gazes into the endless depth of the Horse's eyes,
and asks him, "Sir, I beg you say, do I exist?"
The Horse replies,
"Neighhhh..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqvcu/nihilist_horse_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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What is Harry Potter's philosophy on relationships...

Hit it and quidditch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qquaj/what_is_harry_potters_philosophy_on_relationships/
%
No matter how popular they get..

... antibiotics are never going viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqu35/no_matter_how_popular_they_get/
%
What kind of meat does a priest eat on Friday?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqta3/what_kind_of_meat_does_a_priest_eat_on_friday/
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I got a job assisting a fledgling orchestra with their day to day activities and helping to organize upcoming shows...

My official title is Band Aide.
(I thought of this in the shower, so it's definitely not funny)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqt8e/i_got_a_job_assisting_a_fledgling_orchestra_with/
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My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things in her ear...

So I leaned forward and said: "dishes, bathroom and laundry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqqvc/my_wife_wanted_me_to_whisper_dirty_things_in_her/
%
Love, I'm pregnant, what would you like it to be?

A joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqpxt/love_im_pregnant_what_would_you_like_it_to_be/
%
A man is nervous about his second date...

...Because of a problem he's been having. Every time he looked at her on their first date he got a raging, obvious erection. He went to his best friend for advice before the second date.
"It's a simple solution, dude. Just grab some gauze and use it to wrap your dick to your leg. That way, the next time you get a boner, it won't even be noticeable"
The man liked the idea, and went to "prepare" for the date.
The next day, the man went to his friend looking very sullen and embarrassed.
"What happened dude?"
"Well..." He said, "just... listen. So I did what you said just before she arrived, and I felt confident I wouldn't end up tenting for all of the second date. So I when I heard her knock on the door, I just swung it open with all the confidence in the world."
The man's face slowly gets redder. "She was standing at my front door, her makeup was perfect and she had this super tight dress on, dude you should've seen her!"
"Sounds good," said his friend, "but what happened? Did the gauze get loose?"
"No, it's just..." The man looked down in shame.
"I kicked her in the face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqon5/a_man_is_nervous_about_his_second_date/
%
My Wife and I went to Spain.

The other week I went to Barcelona for a vacation with my wife. We stayed at a small local hotel about 30 minutes from the city. The first day we had a great time going around las ramblas and going taking pictures at La Sagrada familia. That night we even attended a Barcelona game against Real Madrid. It was a great game, but unfortunately ended in a draw. We took a taxi back to the hotel, but on the way I started to feel funny. I had some pains in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day I had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack! I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel! The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied “no one expects the Spanish inn physician.”
credit to u/ClintonHarvey for the pun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqm7e/my_wife_and_i_went_to_spain/
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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate...

And I can picture us invading that world because they'd never see it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qql4g/i_can_picture_in_my_mind_a_world_without_war_a/
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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes
[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqk5w/i_tried_to_submit_a_patent_for_a_goldplated_butt/
%
[Long]Two guys were sitting at a bar at the top of a tall skyscraper.

They were both slightly drunk. One of the guys turns to the other and says, “You know, you can jump off this 100 th floor ledge, fall about 50 floors and the winds will pick you up and put you right back on the ledge.”
The other guy says, “Bullshit. Bartender, another.”
The first guy, says “Really! I’ll demonstrate.”
The second guy says, “You’re crazy.”
The first guy says, “c’mon, I’ll show you.” He grabs the skeptic by his sleeve and drags him to the window, opens the window, and climbs out on the ledge. Just as he jumps, the skeptic grabs for him, but he’s too late and the jumper is gone. The skeptic gets nauseous as he watches the jumper fall. But after about 50 floors, the jumper slows down and starts rising. A moment later, he’s sitting on the ledge smiling and says “See?”
The skeptic shakes his head mutters, “Unbelievable.” walks back to the bar and orders another drink.
After a few minutes, the jumper says, “I’ll show you again” and he coaxes the skeptic back to the window. Hops up on the ledge and jumps. After falling about 50 floors, his fall slows and he starts to rise. A few seconds later, he’s back on the window ledge smiling.
Once again the skeptic shakes his head, walks back to the bar and orders another drink. After finishing the drink, he says, “I’m gonna try that.” The two of them walk over to the window. He hops up onto the ledge, hesitates for a moment then jumps.
The first guy watches as the jumper falls 100 floors to his death. He smiles, closes the window and walks back to the bar. “Bartender, make it a double.” The bartender pours the drink and hands it over and says, “You know, you can be a real asshole when you’re drunk Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqjbh/longtwo_guys_were_sitting_at_a_bar_at_the_top_of/
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What's the difference between a fruit and a nut?

I don't fruit all over your mother's tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqj2u/whats_the_difference_between_a_fruit_and_a_nut/
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Told this girl to text me when she got home ...

I think she's homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqipa/told_this_girl_to_text_me_when_she_got_home/
%
I know that I have an attitude problem

But I just don't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qqaxb/i_know_that_i_have_an_attitude_problem/
%
What's the difference between people who voted for Trump, and those that didn't?

On average, about $30,000 in student debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qq5ug/whats_the_difference_between_people_who_voted_for/
%
I like my women like I like my golf score

Mid-eighties and with slight handicap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qq5hn/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_golf_score/
%
You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore.

Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qq4qx/you_know_those_slices_of_american_cheese_you_get/
%
Something happened at a friend's work

A relative of mine works at a toy distribution center. They specialize in talking dolls. They recently received a Muslim one, but nobody knows what it says because they're all afraid to pull the cord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qq3gl/something_happened_at_a_friends_work/
%
The good news

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qq3ej/the_good_news/
%
A toast!

Had to throw away my toaster because it kept burning my toast. I guess you could say I'm black toast intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qq3cx/a_toast/
%
Never trust stairs,

They're always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qq1k9/never_trust_stairs/
%
Why is it awful to be an egg?

You only get laid once, it takes three minutes to get hard, and you come in a box with eleven others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qpz27/why_is_it_awful_to_be_an_egg/
%
"Whenever one door closes, another opens."

"Wow, you must be very optimistic about life."
"No, I live in a haunted house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qpwsz/whenever_one_door_closes_another_opens/
%
My friends are baffled that I gave up the single life for my European wife and wonder why I don't chase girls anymore.

It's because she keeps me in Czech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qpuzb/my_friends_are_baffled_that_i_gave_up_the_single/
%
An Australian walks into a US bar...

...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!"
"Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!"
He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits the croc over the head. The croc's jaws slowly open. The Australian whips out his dick, lays it over the crocodile's teeth, and hits it on the head again. The croc closes it's mouth ever-so-gently, not breaking his skin.
"Anyone else wanna try it?" the Australian asks.
A blonde woman raises her hand and says, "I will...if you don't hit me with the paper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qpucv/an_australian_walks_into_a_us_bar/
%
A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter.
"The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter pointed upwards and said, "Right there, we're using it as a ceiling fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qpu74/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qpn4d/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
A Pervert, A Con Artist and a Fascist walk into a bar...

..The Bartender Says, "What'll it be Mr. President Trump?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qpkrp/a_pervert_a_con_artist_and_a_fascist_walk_into_a/
%
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.

' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qpf5v/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world...

The ones who understand binary, and the ones who get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qpey7/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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What do you call an Irish gangster that all living systems strive for? (X /r/ScienceJokes)

Homie O'Stasis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qpe1f/what_do_you_call_an_irish_gangster_that_all/
%
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.

He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.
His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qpblo/an_old_arab_lived_close_to_new_york_city_for_more/
%
I went to the local buy and sell to see if there were any cool old jack in the boxes.

But nothing jumped out at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qp93h/i_went_to_the_local_buy_and_sell_to_see_if_there/
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How do you tell if a girl is ticklish? You give her two test tickles

I will see myself out. Thank you and have a good day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qp7oh/how_do_you_tell_if_a_girl_is_ticklish_you_give/
%
TIL that 1/100 people have undiagnosed dyslexia

Whoops, wrong bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qp6cf/til_that_1100_people_have_undiagnosed_dyslexia/
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I heard this really funny joke about procastination

I'll post it later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qp4sl/i_heard_this_really_funny_joke_about/
%
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qozs6/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant/
%
A father has three sons. One is an accountant, one is an engineer and the other is a lawyer...

The father asks each of his three sons the same question, "what does two plus two equal?"
The accountant son answers, "four point zero zero."
The engineer son answers "somewhere between 3.9999 and 4.0001."
Finally, the father asks his son the lawyer "what does two plus two equal?". The lawyer pulls his father into the other room and closes the door. He then closes the blinds and motions for his father to come into the corner. He whispers, "what do you want it to equal?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qoy1q/a_father_has_three_sons_one_is_an_accountant_one/
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My grandfather died in a concentration camp

It was terrible, he got drunk one night and fell off a guard tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qowlm/my_grandfather_died_in_a_concentration_camp/
%
A relative of mine works at a toy distribution center.

They specialize in talking dolls. They recently received a Muslim one, but nobody knows what it says because they're all afraid to pull the cord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qowhe/a_relative_of_mine_works_at_a_toy_distribution/
%
What makes crop circles?

A protractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qouxd/what_makes_crop_circles/
%
How do you know if someone's a pilot?

because they'll fucking tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qouo5/how_do_you_know_if_someones_a_pilot/
%
Why did the unicycle win the race?

Because the bicycle was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qouly/why_did_the_unicycle_win_the_race/
%
3 women are talking about their sex lives. One is married with kids, one is engaged and one has a friend with benefits.

The 3 women decide together to give a suprise to their partners and say they will wear the same outfit: black leather lingerie, black eye mask and high heels. After a few days they meet again and discuss to compare the results.
The engaged girl says "well, when he got home and saw me with a black leather body, black eye mask and black high heels, he said 'you are the woman of my life, I love you' and we made love all night".
The girl with a FWB says "well, the other day I went to his office, I was wearing a black leather body, a black eye mask, black high heels and a raincoat. When he opened the door and saw me, he didn't say a thing but we had the best sex of our lives.
Then the married woman says "well the other night, I sent the kids to my mom's house. When he got home, I was wearing a black leather body, a black eye mask, black high heels and perfume. After getting in he saw me and asked:
"So, what's for dinner, Batman?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qotru/3_women_are_talking_about_their_sex_lives_one_is/
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I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qosgr/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_computer/
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What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house?

Mortgage freeman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qorfq/what_do_you_call_an_aging_actor_who_has_finally/
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I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had.

He started counting and fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qorbh/i_asked_my_welsh_mate_how_many_sexual_partners/
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A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

That's it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qophm/a_plateau_is_the_highest_form_of_flattery/
%
My friend said he didn't mind homosexuality, just didn't like it in his bedroom.

I asked, "have you tried the kitchen?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qoler/my_friend_said_he_didnt_mind_homosexuality_just/
%
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.

She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qojxo/a_woman_is_at_home_when_she_hears_someone/
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It was the best KISS hed ever had.

A group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear if she jumped or was pushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qoj8k/it_was_the_best_kiss_hed_ever_had/
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A boy goes to his parents to tell them something

"Mom, Dad. I'm gay."
His father then turns to him and says "Hi Gay, I'm 100 Dollars Richer!", while recieving money from the mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qoiji/a_boy_goes_to_his_parents_to_tell_them_something/
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Why did the Snowman pull his pants down?

Because the snowblower was coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qoe33/why_did_the_snowman_pull_his_pants_down/
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Wife says to her Accountant husband

Wife: what is inflation?
Husband: Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are 48-40-48.
Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. This is INFLATION

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qodha/wife_says_to_her_accountant_husband/
%
The Jewish elbow.

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
"What...you coming empty handed?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qocab/the_jewish_elbow/
%
Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qobk8/fart_football/
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A king wants his daughter to have.....

A king wants his daughter to have a husband so he puts up a flier.
The first guy comes and the king puts green glitter on his daughters private part.
The next morning the king checks the guys private part and there's green glitter all over it.
More and more guys come along and the same thing keeps happening.
Finally, one day this guy comes along.
The king puts the green glitter on his daughters private part, and the next morning checks
the guys privates and there was no green glitter.
The king is thrilled and offers the man his daughters hand in marriage.
The guy smiles to accept with a mouth full of green glitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qobhk/a_king_wants_his_daughter_to_have/
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My wife just left me because I spent our life savings on a penis enlargement...

She couldn't take it any longer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qo9an/my_wife_just_left_me_because_i_spent_our_life/
%
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qo7pd/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qo3q0/i_was_visiting_my_daughter_last_night_when_i/
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What do you call a projectile that is very good at finding friends?

A homie missile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qo1wq/what_do_you_call_a_projectile_that_is_very_good/
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Apparently my coworker has lived a very sheltered life.

He comes up to me while I'm eating lunch and asks "Say, what is that you're eating out of??"
"What, my thermos?"
"Yeah! How does that work?"
"Uhh, it keeps the hot stuff hot and the cold stuff cold."
"Wow! I oughta get me one of those!" And he just walks away.
I didn't give it much thought until he shows up to my desk today, fuming mad "It didn't work like you said it would!"
He shoves his open thermos in my face and inside is some weird, multicolored shit with two wooden sticks floating on top.
I ask "Ugh! What the hell did you put in it!?"
"Two popsicles and chicken noodle soup, why!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qo1u2/apparently_my_coworker_has_lived_a_very_sheltered/
%
What has 99 legs and one tooth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qo1kl/what_has_99_legs_and_one_tooth/
%
Why is Harry Potter better than Jews?

He made it out of the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qo1fx/why_is_harry_potter_better_than_jews/
%
People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.

Hitler was good at making speeches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qnzn5/people_compare_trump_and_hitler_all_the_time_but/
%
I don't like rape jokes.

They're always so forced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qnvbx/i_dont_like_rape_jokes/
%
Some mornings I wake up bitchy...

Other mornings I let her sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qnu6a/some_mornings_i_wake_up_bitchy/
%
What do you call a sick eagle that just flew in from out of the country?

an ill-eagle immigrant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qnthu/what_do_you_call_a_sick_eagle_that_just_flew_in/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

You dress her up as an altar boy..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qno3d/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Job interview

A guy goes to a job interview and the interviewer asks " how is your maths skills".
The guy replies " oh, im real fast at maths". The interviewer is curious and decides to test him with some quick-fire questions. "
Interviewer: ok then. 9×5?
The guy quickly responds 50
Interviewer: 10×2
The guy immediately answers back again "32"
The interviewer is puzzled and says  "those answers were both wrong. youre absolutely terrible at math"
To which the guy responds "yeah, but im fast at it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qnnsr/job_interview/
%
Finding a job is difficult...

I started at the orange juice factory but couldn't concentrate,
Being a tailor just didn't suit me,
I couldn't cut it as a barber,
I didn't have the foundations to be an architect,
I just didn't have enough patients to be a doctor,
I felt soleless in the shoe factory,
I couldn't hack it as a lumberjack,
I couldn't keep my eye on the job as an optician,
Being an electrician was shocking,
Sewage maintenance was just draining,
I just wasn't taking off as a pilot,
My spell as a wizard didn't work,
Working at a coffee shop was too much of a grind,
I didn't make the grade as a teacher,
I didn't have the thyme to be a chef,
My career as a comedian was a joke,
I couldn't see a future being a historian,
And now I'm an archaeologist and my future lies in ruins!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qnl1n/finding_a_job_is_difficult/
%
A German and a Swiss are arguing about who's country is better...

The German, clearly annoyed, asks the Swiss
"So what's so great about Switzerland?" The Swiss shrugs, simply saying.
"Well, the flag is a big plus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qnjmb/a_german_and_a_swiss_are_arguing_about_whos/
%
What do you call 69-ing in China?

Tu Can Chu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qnj6f/what_do_you_call_69ing_in_china/
%
Went to the Indian bakery today and asked for some bread

They said they had naan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qnh8o/went_to_the_indian_bakery_today_and_asked_for/
%
Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills?

To prevent Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qng6w/why_does_donald_trump_take_antianxiety_pills/
%
What do you call a fear of deadly snakes?

Common sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qnfe1/what_do_you_call_a_fear_of_deadly_snakes/
%
What is the perfect name for an Indian butler?

Mahatma Coat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qnemz/what_is_the_perfect_name_for_an_indian_butler/
%
What is Donald Trump's least favorite '80s band?

Foreigner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qnemo/what_is_donald_trumps_least_favorite_80s_band/
%
..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"

Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*
he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qndjr/trump_said_buy_american_hire_american/
%
Husband: "Babe, I just won the lottery! Pack a bag!"

Wife:  "Oh my goodness -- This is amazing!  Where are we going?!  What do I pack?!"
Husand:  "I don't care.  Just pack and get the fuck out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qn91p/husband_babe_i_just_won_the_lottery_pack_a_bag/
%
Trying to think of a new password

WINDOWS:
Please enter your new password.
USER:
cabbage
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER:
boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER:
1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER:
50fuckingboiledcabbages
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER:
50FUCKINGboiledcabbages
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER:
50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:
ReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS:
Sorry, that password is already in use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qn8pb/trying_to_think_of_a_new_password/
%
I was so embarrassed when I got an erection during a prostate exam.

Especially when they found out I'm not even a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qn7yg/i_was_so_embarrassed_when_i_got_an_erection/
%
Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles, he had just one weakness. Except instead of his heel it was his groin.
You may have heard of "Achilles heel", but have you heard of "Bophades' nuts"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qn60a/have_you_heard_of_the_ancient_greek_hero_bophades/
%
Two cops contacts with homicide via radio:

- Send in a team ...  - What is situation?  - The murder, the victim is a man, 38 years old, his mother struck him with a knife several times for entering on the wet, just cleaned floor.  - Did you arrest her?  - No, the floor still wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qn5yc/two_cops_contacts_with_homicide_via_radio/
%
People always tell me not to piss in the shower...

...but you know, it's difficult not to when you're taking a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qn5nk/people_always_tell_me_not_to_piss_in_the_shower/
%
Two Italians enter the bus in New York...

Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:
" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "
An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:
" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "
Italian: " Hey, wassup lady??? I just tella my friend, how to spella Mississippi....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qn56j/two_italians_enter_the_bus_in_new_york/
%
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house."
So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.
- What the hell did she mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qn4zn/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_fridge/
%
Three words to ruin a man's ego.

"Is it in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qn3o5/three_words_to_ruin_a_mans_ego/
%
Rick Astley told me that you could borrow any of his Disney movies, except Up

He's never gonna give you Up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qn0zr/rick_astley_told_me_that_you_could_borrow_any_of/
%
What do fake news sites and porn subreddits have in common?

No source.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qn025/what_do_fake_news_sites_and_porn_subreddits_have/
%
I was having a piss in a war zone.

Probably wasn't the best time for one of my fellow soldiers to yell, "Cover me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qmzwr/i_was_having_a_piss_in_a_war_zone/
%
I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be a king"

"Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qmyjg/i_said_to_her_two_more_inches_and_id_be_a_king/
%
Three construction workers on their lunch break...

One of them is Italian, one is Irish and one is German. They sit on the top of an 8 story building they are currently working on, ready to open their lunch boxes.
The Italian opens his lunch box: "Spaghetti again? Every day it'sa Spaghetti! Always a Spaghetti! If I have to eata the Spaghetti one more time I'ma gonna jumpa!"
The Irish opens his lunch box: "Awww not Black Pudding againsh! I swear I have have to eash Black Pudding one more god damn time, I jump!"
The German opens his lunch box: "Really? Sauerkraut again? I can't take it any more! Next time I have to eat ze Sauerkraut I jump!"
The next day all three of them sit together again. The Italian opens his lunch box. Spaghetti. He jumps. The Irish opens his lunch box. Black Pudding. He jumps. The German opens his lunch box. Sauerkraut. He jumps.
At the funeral the widows of the three men meet. The Italian woman weeps: "I had a no idea! If only I had known he doesn't a want a eata the Spaghetti!". The Irish woman is equally distraught: "He never told me to make something else! He could have just told me! I'm so sorry!"
They look at the German woman, who doesn't seem sad but rather puzzled. They ask her why she's not crying, to which she said:
"I just don't get it. He always prepared his own lunches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qmx5f/three_construction_workers_on_their_lunch_break/
%
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel,....

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American   doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Just about two months ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qmw7i/an_israeli_doctor_says_in_israel/
%
Sumo wrestlers have to make sure their legs are always shaven

So people don't confuse them with feminists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qmp8z/sumo_wrestlers_have_to_make_sure_their_legs_are/
%
There are two types of people in this world,

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qmnvt/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qmm65/whats_a_foot_long_made_of_leather_and_sounds_like/
%
RIP Boiling water

You'll be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qml89/rip_boiling_water/
%
Donald Trump doesn't want to have sex with his daughter

He just has "alternative family values"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qmg5u/donald_trump_doesnt_want_to_have_sex_with_his/
%
A man sits down at a bar

And looks around for the bartender to order a drink. He sees nobody but hears a small voice that says, "That's an awfully nice shirt you're wearing." Confused, the man looks around and sees only a bowl of peanuts on the bar. Needing a smoke, the man walks over to the cigarette machine. As he gets closer, he hears a different voice, this time insulting his shoes.
The man, now utterly confused, turns around and walks back to the bar. The bartender walks out from the kitchen and apologizes for not hearing him come in and let's him know the peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qmf9u/a_man_sits_down_at_a_bar/
%
A man dies and goes to heaven

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.
He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?"
Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."
The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock does this belong to?"
Angel answers 'This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved, so she has never told a lie."
then the man asks "Where is Hillary Clintons clock?"
The Angel replies "That one is in our office, we use it as a table fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qmd4n/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
"One mans trash is another mans treasure" Is a good quote...

But apparently its not the best way to tell your kid he's adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qmcmg/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure_is_a_good/
%
What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing?

Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qmab0/what_does_a_dyslexicagnostic_and_insomniac_spend/
%
What do Eric Clapton and Donald Trump have in common?

They were both jealous of the size of a black man's crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qm8i6/what_do_eric_clapton_and_donald_trump_have_in/
%
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket...

Suddenly she realises that some asshole has her pen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qm5wr/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
%
You know, those people who insult Obama and the Clintons..

really need to stop beating around the Bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qm5mn/you_know_those_people_who_insult_obama_and_the/
%
The Horny Rooster

Horny Rooster
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."
"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qm0i8/the_horny_rooster/
%
My neighbours listen to good music

Whether they want to or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qly8d/my_neighbours_listen_to_good_music/
%
Did you know you can break your nose if you squint hard enough?

I did it on the bus today and some Asian guy punched me in the face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qlvh3/did_you_know_you_can_break_your_nose_if_you/
%
At a country club tennis court, a man clutches his elbow in pain...

He says to his friend, "Geez, my elbow aches. I think I should see a doctor about this".
The friend says, "Well before you do, why don't you try that machine in the locker room. You pee in a cup, and it writes you a prescription!"
Although skeptical, the man agrees to try out the machine. He pees in a cup, puts it into the machine. After some whirring and beeping, it prints out a prescription form. The paper reads,
"You have tennis elbow. Ice 2x a day and rest it for 2 weeks."
The man is astonished! He immediately races home in excitement.
He thinks to himself that he can trick the machine. He has his wife pee in the cup, then his son, then his daughter. He even has his dog pee in the cup. And for good measure, he decides to put his own semen in.
He drives back to the country club excited to stump the machine. He sticks the cup inside. It whirs and beeps and clunks. After a few minutes, it prints out another prescription form. It reads,
"Your wife is pregnant with another man's baby. Divorce her.
Your son uses heroin. Send him to rehab.
Your daughter has gonorrhea. Get her antibiotics.
Your dog has worms. Take him to the vet.
And if you don't stop jacking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qlp18/at_a_country_club_tennis_court_a_man_clutches_his/
%
What do you get when a ghost takes a crap?

Rectoplasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qlnb8/what_do_you_get_when_a_ghost_takes_a_crap/
%
Chuck Norris threw an impact grenade and killed one hundred people.

Then the grenade blew up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qlmwo/chuck_norris_threw_an_impact_grenade_and_killed/
%
Why do terrorists in Antarctica love being interrogated?

Snow boarding is fun as hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qll9y/why_do_terrorists_in_antarctica_love_being/
%
A little black boy is in the kitchen helping his mom

She accidently knocks the flour over and covers the little boy. He says to his mom " look mom I'm white!" She smacks him and busts his lip, then she tells him to go tell his father what he said. The little boy goes to his father and says " look dad I'm white!" he hits him so hard he falls to the ground. The father tells him to go tell his grandma what he just said. The little boy goes to his grandma and says "look nana I'm white" she hits him so hard he passes out. When the little boy finally comes to he says " I've only been white for 10 minutes and I already hate all you niggers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qll2h/a_little_black_boy_is_in_the_kitchen_helping_his/
%
A guy has a massive crush on a girl

A guy has a massive crush on this girl. He is so enchanted by her that every time he see's her he gets an instant boner. In order to avoid any embarassment from an obvious boner he decides to call the girl and ask her out over the phone. To his surprise she agrees almost instantly and they make plans. As soon as he hangs up he thinks, "shit, what am I gonna do, I'll get a boner as soon as I see her and she'll never talk to me again." So like a man, he finds the perfect solution to him problem. He duct tapes and ties his dick to his leg. On date night, he goes to her door, double checks his work with a patt on his leg, check. He rings her doorbell, she opens the door, and he kicks her in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qlhxp/a_guy_has_a_massive_crush_on_a_girl/
%
[long] a female class teacher was having problems with a kid in her class

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Primary 3.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Primary 4.
I am smarter than my sister and she's in Primary 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Primary 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
Principal: 5x9.
Boy: 45.
The boy got all the questions right.
The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Primary 4 immediately.
The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?
Boy: Pockets.
Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Madam: What goes in hard and then comes out soft and sticky?
*The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge*
Boy: Bubble gum.
Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
*The principal was looking restless*
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: O MY GOD.
Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: damnit!!.
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!!.. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher ,
"Send this BLOODY kid to the university...
Even I myself got all the answers wrong!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qlgwp/long_a_female_class_teacher_was_having_problems/
%
What do you call it when two well endowed astrophysicists have a gay sword fight?

A Large Hardon Collider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qlcyo/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_well_endowed/
%
A penguin has car trouble..

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."
Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.
After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"
The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qlbqv/a_penguin_has_car_trouble/
%
You know why Trump fans are called Trumpettes?

You only have to learn how to press three buttons, and then you can play 'em all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ql964/you_know_why_trump_fans_are_called_trumpettes/
%
How do you tell a boy tree from a girl tree?

Boy trees have woodpeckers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ql875/how_do_you_tell_a_boy_tree_from_a_girl_tree/
%
Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond?

Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds
Kid: well what about my name?
Mother: never mind about that Richard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ql735/kid_why_is_my_cousin_named_diamond/
%
I almost had to go the hospital today because a stranger threw a can of Pepsi at me...

I'm just glad it was a soft drink. Otherwise, I would have had to get surgery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ql6eh/i_almost_had_to_go_the_hospital_today_because_a/
%
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

Art.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ql4pb/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
A little boy walks past a whore house

David was off to his first day of middle school. As he walked to the bus stop he had to pass a whore house. There sat an older lady in her 50's on the porch. As he passed, she say "hey little boy" and wiggled her pinky at him. Confused he continued walking to the bus.  Later in the afternoon school let out, and he got back on the bus to go home. David hops off the bus and goes by the whore house again. Same old whore on the porch said "hey little boy", and wiggled her pinky at him. He stops and ask "why do you wiggle your pinky at me? " to which she replies, " that's how big I think your little pecker is. DESTROYED! He runs home crying to his mom and tells her the story. She had no idea what to do, so she tell him" David you're smart and I'm sure you will figure this out." So later that night David had a huge idea. So the next day comes and he's walking to the bus.m, and the same whore is out on the porch, she says "hey little boy" and wiggles her pinky. So David stops, and sticks a finger on each side of his mouth and spreads it open as wide as he could and says "good morning lady".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ql4i5/a_little_boy_walks_past_a_whore_house/
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Which President had the shortest term?

Grover Cleveland.
He was the twenty second President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ql3dg/which_president_had_the_shortest_term/
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I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qkzvk/i_tried_to_catch_fog_yesterday/
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What's the difference between a woman in a bathtub and a woman in a church?

The woman in church has hope in her soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qks0z/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_in_a_bathtub/
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In all fairness, Trump can't release his tax returns

At least not until Putin sends him his W2s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qkpbk/in_all_fairness_trump_cant_release_his_tax_returns/
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Alcohol is nothing but poison

But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qknqa/alcohol_is_nothing_but_poison/
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A man went on vacation to Thailand once...

...unfortunately something went wrong with the booking of the hotel. His room (and any room for that matter) wouldn't be available until tomorrow. The receptionist told the man that if he asked nicely he might be permitted to stay one night in the local temple along with the monks. So the man made his way to the temple. Once there he was greeted by an old monk.
"Good evening.. ehm.. sir? Something went wrong when booking my hotel. Could I possibly stay here for just one night?"
"Of course!" said the monk. "We have a room just for tourists like you, we can even offer you some food in the morning. However, I must warn you. You may wake up in the middle of the night hearing a strange sound."
"What strange sound?" the man asked monk, now very curious as to what this might be about.
"I wish I could tell you", said the monk. "But only monks are allowed to know the source of this sound."
Although bummed out, the man didn't think much of it. I mean, he got what he wanted. A place to spend the night, and that's all you can ask for. But when he awoke in the middle of the night to the strangest sound he had ever heard in his entire life his curiosity creeped back to him. He NEEDED to know what this unearthly sound was. So when the monk came with his food in the morning he asked him again.
"I'm sorry", said the monk. "But only monks are allowed to know the source of this sound."
"Ok, then I want to become a monk", said the man.
"Becoming a monk is not easy, it requires much dedication and many can't do it."
"I'll do whatever it takes, like, absolutely anything. I NEED to know the source of this sound."
"Very well", the old monk seemed pleased with the answer. "To become a monk, you must travel the world and count every blade of grass and every grain of sand. Once you do that, you become a monk."
The man walked out of the temple. His journey had now begun. He started traveling all across the world. Counting every blade of grass and every grain of sand.
Many, many years later he returned to the temple. The old monk were, to his surprise, still alive, waiting for him on the top of the stairs to the temple.
"So?"
"I counted it to 56738370921 blades of grass, and 27489173408820 grains of sand!" the man said with triumph on his face.
"I can see your dedication. Congratulations, you are now a monk."
"So... I get to see the source of the sound?"
"Yes, you may. Follow me please."
So he followed the old monk. Through the temple and into a tiny room at the back. The only thing housed in this room was a large wooden door.
"Behind here, is the source of the sound", said the monk.
"FINALLY!" the man thought to himself. "I FINALLY get to see the source of the sound."
He walked up to the large wooden door, filled with anticipation. He placed his hand on the handle and slowly opened the door.
And what was behind the door? I would tell you, but only monks are allowed to know the source of the sound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qkman/a_man_went_on_vacation_to_thailand_once/
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Why are Teen aged boys so good at fishing?

Because they're Master Baiters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qkllp/why_are_teen_aged_boys_so_good_at_fishing/
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When a woman tels you it's five minutes, then it's five minutes.

Don't need to ask her every quarter of an hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qkkgi/when_a_woman_tels_you_its_five_minutes_then_its/
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What's a pirates least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet service has been disconnected due to terms of service violations and excessive downloading. Please return modem and accessories to your nearest Comcast location.
Sincerely,
Comcast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qkfzs/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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A book fell on my head a moment ago...

I can only blame my shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qkf77/a_book_fell_on_my_head_a_moment_ago/
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My colleagues call me the pussy slayer...

I'm in charge of euthanising cats at the kennel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qke5l/my_colleagues_call_me_the_pussy_slayer/
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Not Horny.....

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qkbs4/not_horny/
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I went to prison and met my cell mate.

He asks me,"Do you want the top, or bottom bunk?"
Surprised, I replied,"I'll have the top bunk."
His next question is ,"Do you want to be mommy, or daddy?"
"Daddy," I say, obviously...
"Okay, get over here and sit on mommy's dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qk8wf/i_went_to_prison_and_met_my_cell_mate/
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You know what grinds a Germans gear?

Nothing, they are too well engineered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qk883/you_know_what_grinds_a_germans_gear/
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Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed

I'm sure they'll soon get over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qk7uw/now_that_donald_trump_is_actually_building_the/
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Do you know why a gun is better than a wife?

You can put a silencer on a gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qk6ik/do_you_know_why_a_gun_is_better_than_a_wife/
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What is a Germans favorite letter?

I don't know but it's Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qk6cm/what_is_a_germans_favorite_letter/
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A boy asks his teacher to use the restroom...

The teacher says yes and the boy goes. When he goes to wash his hands, he notices the words "Purple Fusion" on the soap dispenser. He gets back to the classroom and asks his teacher what it means. The teacher sends him to the principal. He asks the principal what it means and he expels the boy.
On his way home, the boy almost gets arrested for not being in school. He asks the policeman what "Purple Fusion" means and the policeman just takes off. When the boy gets home he asks his mother what it means. The mom starts crying and orders the boy to ask his father what it means. He then asks his father what it means. His father kicks him out of the house and orders him never to return.
Down the road, the boy suddenly gets hit by a bus. The driver gets out and asks if he is okay. The boy just asks him what "Purple Fusion" means and the boy is then shot by the bus driver.
Now in heaven, the boy asks an angel what "Purple Fusion" means. The boy is sent to hell for "being evil".
In hell, the boy asks Satan what "Purple Fusion" means and Satan sends him back to heaven for "being too evil for Satan".
Back in heaven, the boy asks God what "Purple Fusion" means. God hesitates for a moment and says, "Purple Fusion is a joke with absolutely no punchline that makes everyone mad at you."
Credit goes to my sister, who originally told me this joke like 3 or 4 or so years ago. This is actually a simplified version of the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjyqw/a_boy_asks_his_teacher_to_use_the_restroom/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number...

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight!
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjwyl/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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A cat is walking home alongside a stream

When he sees a sausage floating down it. Not to miss an opportunity he pulls it out with his paw and takes it home for his wife and kittens for supper. The next day he decides to walk by the stream again, as luck would have it there's another sausage but this time bigger than the last. It takes two paws into pull it out, then takes it home to feed his wife and kittens.
The following day he sees an even bigger sausage this time he reaches in and it takes him 3 paws to pull it out almost slipping in and getting wet. Again his family is loving it.
The very next night on the way home a monster of a sausage floating down the stream. It takes all 4 paws to pull it from the water. Of course the cat falls in.
The moral of the story, the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!
(I've known this joke since I was 13. So it might be a bit immature for you guys)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjwix/a_cat_is_walking_home_alongside_a_stream/
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What do you call a synthesizer-guitar that's out of tune?

A Synthaxe error!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjw38/what_do_you_call_a_synthesizerguitar_thats_out_of/
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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets...

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window:
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.
"Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.
"Can I help you sir?' he says.
"Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!"
The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries,
"Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?"
"That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The Cunt's Blind.' "
"Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?"
"Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears.
The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title.
"That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' "
"I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"
"Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ".
"Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience."
"Fuck it", says the pianist, "why cunting not?"
On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him.
"Hi" she says.
"Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear,
"Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"
Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says,
"Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjvqr/an_out_of_work_pianist_with_tourettes_syndrome/
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What does a tight pair of pants and a cheap motel have in common?

No ballroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjvp1/what_does_a_tight_pair_of_pants_and_a_cheap_motel/
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I'm giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait, that came out wrong.  I'm giving up.  Alcohol for a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjva1/im_giving_up_alcohol_for_a_month/
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I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." ...

So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$200 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjv7o/i_was_in_a_job_interview_today_the_interviewing/
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An Israeli doctor says

"In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American   doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjt6u/an_israeli_doctor_says/
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What do you call the person who graduated last in their class from medical school?

Doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjrz2/what_do_you_call_the_person_who_graduated_last_in/
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[Offensive] A Muslim an Atheist and a Hindu get stuck on the side of a road.

A nearby farmer decides to let them stay at his house but he only has two beds so he says one of them will have to sleep in the barn.
The Atheist volunteers first and goes to sleep in the barn. However he knocks at the door of the house 15 minutes later and complains that he can't take the smell.
The Hindu offers to take his place because he is used to bad smells from his childhood in India.
However less than 5 minutes later the Hindu knocks at the door of the house and explains he cannot sleep there because there is a cow in the barn and they are too sacred to sleep by in his religion. Finally the Muslim offers to take his place in the barn.
Much to the farmers annoyance there is one more knock at the door and the now very angry farmer is surprised to see his goat in shock at the door.
"I can't sleep in there, man..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjp67/offensive_a_muslim_an_atheist_and_a_hindu_get/
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If a dove represents peace which bird represents true love?

The swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjo9z/if_a_dove_represents_peace_which_bird_represents/
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I'm actually reasonably happy with Trump's presidency right now.....

after all, he's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjnor/im_actually_reasonably_happy_with_trumps/
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How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjmwy/how_much_cocaine_can_charlie_sheen_take/
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I recently wrote a book about Poltergeists...

I'm pleased to say they're flying off the shelves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjm1z/i_recently_wrote_a_book_about_poltergeists/
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Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?

Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjgv7/why_do_cats_make_better_medical_technicians_than/
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To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Word...

I will find you. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjg89/to_whomever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_word/
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I always thought that the brain was the most important organ

Now that I think about it, what's telling me that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjfh6/i_always_thought_that_the_brain_was_the_most/
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The best thing about having a penis...

is sharing it with people who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjduh/the_best_thing_about_having_a_penis/
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When I heard that my toaster wasn't water resistant...

I was shocked!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjcta/when_i_heard_that_my_toaster_wasnt_water_resistant/
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A blonde is watching the news with her husband.....

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qjcq9/a_blonde_is_watching_the_news_with_her_husband/
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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qja3o/a_radio_station_in_ireland_is_taking_calls_to/
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Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Neither have they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qj9rg/have_you_ever_had_ethiopian_food/
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What does Hillary do when she loses a game of CS:GO?

She blames the Russians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qj9p0/what_does_hillary_do_when_she_loses_a_game_of_csgo/
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What does a robot do during sex?

He nuts and bolts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qj9dq/what_does_a_robot_do_during_sex/
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Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much

We may as well call him the "Not Si" President

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qj8ib/trump_hates_saying_yes_to_mexicans_so_much/
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A man went to water his garden...

He didn't have a hose or a watering can, so he improvised by filling a bucket with water and throwing it all over the garden. However, when he did so, the water only landed on every other plant.
Shocked, the man threw his arms up in the air and shouted "water the odds!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qj7p0/a_man_went_to_water_his_garden/
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What's black and doesn't work?

Decaf coffee you racist fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qj4ny/whats_black_and_doesnt_work/
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It must be very confusing to have sex with William Shatner. You never know if he loves it or hates it.

No, don't, stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qj2c0/it_must_be_very_confusing_to_have_sex_with/
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My doctor says I need to avoid trans fats

I'm really going to miss Tumblr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qiyf6/my_doctor_says_i_need_to_avoid_trans_fats/
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Jesus tried to solve a Rubik's cube

He died on the cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qiy9p/jesus_tried_to_solve_a_rubiks_cube/
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What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
I know, I know... even I'm ashamed of myself for posting this!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qixve/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qiwsu/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless black man.

I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
"I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I was released from prison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qiui6/this_morning_i_was_sitting_on_a_park_bench_next/
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I hate eating vegetables...

The wheelchair is always getting in the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qiu22/i_hate_eating_vegetables/
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Why does Eminem serve weak coffee?

You only get one shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qit4d/why_does_eminem_serve_weak_coffee/
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A student walks up to their teacher.

Student: "Teacher, would you ever get mad at me for something I didn't do?"
Teacher: "Of course not! why?"
Student: "Because I didn't do my homework"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qisyi/a_student_walks_up_to_their_teacher/
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(long) All the knights in the Kingdom we're leaving for the Crusade.

One knight told his trusty servant,
"My bride is the most beautiful woman in the country. If I die, I do not want such beauty to be wasted.  So I'm leaving you the key to her chastity belt to be used if I do not return from my journey."
The knights had only gone a short distance when they heard a horse charging up behind them.
Thinking it might be an important message, the men halted.
The horseman who approached was the Knight's servant.
"hey" he said.
"You gave me the wrong key!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qish2/long_all_the_knights_in_the_kingdom_were_leaving/
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Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

*Mom:* "I told you not to call me mom in public."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qiqz9/kid_mom_am_i_ugly/
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A girl really wants to borrow her step-dad's Porsche

So she goes and asks him if it'd be okay to use it for the night.
The step-dad, being the pig that he is, says "I'll let you borrow it if you suck my dick."
At first she is repulsed by this but then starts thinking of how cool she would look in a Porsche for the night with her friends.
"Alright but you can NOT tell anyone about this"!
"Of course" he says.
She begins but is quickly disgusted and pulls away.
"Oh my god, your dick tastes like shit" she yells.
The step-dad snaps his fingers "that's right, your brother has the Porsche tonight".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qinzl/a_girl_really_wants_to_borrow_her_stepdads_porsche/
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A man marries a Chinese restaurant waitress...

On their wedding night, she says to him -
Bride: "Dear husband, I want to give you anything you want! Just name it!"
Groom: "Ooh, that's tough to chose. OK, I really want a sixty nine."
Bride (confused): "You want beef broccoli *now*?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qinwu/a_man_marries_a_chinese_restaurant_waitress/
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Why do Hunters make the best lovers?

They go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and eat what they shoot at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qin32/why_do_hunters_make_the_best_lovers/
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A 3.14 meter long snake !

What do you call a 3.14 meter long snake ?
- a "Py"thon
What do you call a 43 kilometre long snake ?
- a marathon !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qim49/a_314_meter_long_snake/
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So I took this babe back to my place. . .

. . . for a solid three and a half minutes of shagging.  We're lying there afterwards and she asks, "Why don't you have a clock in your bedroom?"
"I do have a clock - a wall clock."
"What's a wall clock?"
So I bang on the wall.  From next door a voice, "Hey asshole!  Don't you know it's 3 in the morning?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qily9/so_i_took_this_babe_back_to_my_place/
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Two wrongs don't make a right

But two wrights make an airplane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qilsa/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
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Your mother is a 10

On the Richter scale
When she walks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qihhh/your_mother_is_a_10/
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When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qigpm/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
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I started investing in Egyptian tourism

Until I realized it was just a pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qib75/i_started_investing_in_egyptian_tourism/
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Forget everything you learned in college...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qiav9/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college/
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Donald Trumps is not a thief!

He makes alternative purchases

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qiabv/donald_trumps_is_not_a_thief/
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Why is the French Revolution just like Prohibition?

They both got rid of Bourbon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qi7tq/why_is_the_french_revolution_just_like_prohibition/
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Muslim book store in New York: A man asks if they have the latest Donald Trump book on immigration.

"Fuck off, get out and don't come back" says the store owner.
"That's the one!" says the man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qi7o4/muslim_book_store_in_new_york_a_man_asks_if_they/
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How do Reavers clean their harpoons?

They put them through the Wash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qi6bj/how_do_reavers_clean_their_harpoons/
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I judge Usain Bolt based on his race

All of his races, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qi5ru/i_judge_usain_bolt_based_on_his_race/
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Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qi3j3/did_you_hear_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
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Do you know what grinds my gears?

I have to read the aforementioned title twice for most jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qi1ys/do_you_know_what_grinds_my_gears/
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What's the best part about living in a black family?

You never have to hear a dad joke.
Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhzg6/whats_the_best_part_about_living_in_a_black_family/
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I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.'

He said, 'Just a minute.'
And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhzd1/i_went_to_buy_some_condoms_today_and_i_said_to/
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Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhyoc/photographers_are_so_violent/
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A teacher is working on word problems with her students

and asks, "if there are 3 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" A boy raises his hand and says, "zero. Because if you shoot one the other two fly away" The teacher responds, "no, there's two left but that's creative and I like the way you think." After that the boy says "ok, three women are sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is biting it, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which woman is married?" The teacher says, "well I guess the one sucking it." The boy replies, "no, it's the one wearing a wedding ring but I like the way you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhwsm/a_teacher_is_working_on_word_problems_with_her/
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"So what kind of work do you do?"

"I move cows"
"Oh , so you're a rancher?"
"Not really , I'm a  zumba instructor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhv3p/so_what_kind_of_work_do_you_do/
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Two Black Sharks in a White Pool

TL;DR: A story about a Millionaire, his wives and Two Black Sharks in a White Pool.
&nbsp;
Once there was this millionaire who was looking for a suitable wife. He was a very handsome man, so he had no trouble finding one that he loved. They fell into a passionate love. He said to his wife on the wedding day “I’m so glad I get to marry the love of my life, but I have one request.” His wife replied “Okay honey, anything for you”.
&nbsp;
“You can know anything about me, I’ll tell you” the man said “Just don’t ask me about the two black sharks in the white pool.” His wife thought this was very odd and shrugged it off, thinking nothing of it. As time went on, she became more curious. She developed an obsession with it. One day, she couldn’t stand it anymore and asked her husband “I know you told me not to ask, but I really want to know. What’s with the two black sharks in a white pool?”
&nbsp;
The man lost it. He went into a rage and grabbed a chair, beating his wife with it and smacking her into the wall. She snapped her neck as he came to his senses. He quickly cleaned up the mess and buried the body in the back yard.
&nbsp;
Distraught, the man spent much of his time inside his house. Eventually he got the courage to go outside and look once more for love. He fell hard for a very attractive model that also admired the young millionaire. On their wedding he was filled with so much joy that he could love again. That night, he said to her. “Honey, I really do love you and I know you love me, but I have one request.” His wife replied “Of course darling, anything for you”.
&nbsp;
“You can know anything about me and I’ll be glad to tell you” the man says “Whatever you do, just don’t ask about the two black sharks in the white pool.” His wife was very curious, but because she loved him and decided to drop it. “Okay darling. You don’t have to worry.” But as time went on she became increasingly curious and decided to ask him one night after some vigorous sex. “Darling,” she said “I know you told me not to ask, but what is the deal with the two black shark in a white pool?”
&nbsp;
The man became furious in his attack and started to smother her with the pillow. She writhed for a couple of seconds and eventually suffocated. He came to his senses, weeping that he had killed his wife and went to bury her in the back yard.
&nbsp;
The man mourned his second wife for a few months, losing all hope in ever finding love again. One day the millionaire got courage to go out drinking with some buddies and met this lovely blonde reporter. They had a great night and went back to his place to have more drinks. Over the next few months they kept seeing each other. The man finally got the courage to propose and they were married within the year.
&nbsp;
On their wedding day he was filled with so much joy that he had found someone to love and spend his life with. That evening he said to her. “Oh love, you know that I adore you and I want to be with you, but I have one request.” His wife replied “Anything for you my love”.
&nbsp;
“You can know anything about me, nothing is secret” the man said “But do not ask me about the two black sharks in a white pool”. Having been a reporter, his wife had been successful by getting the scoop on just about every good story, but she loved her husband and respected his wish. Each day that passed she grew more curious, as was her instincts as a reporter. She finally got the courage to ask. “My love” she said “I know you don’t want me to ask, but I am very curious! What is with the two black sharks in a white pool?”
&nbsp;
The man grabs a knife from the kitchen and goes after his wife, stabbing her to death. He realized that he killed his wife, and wept. He quickly buried her in the back yard. One of his neighbors watched him dragging a body and decided to notify the police.  The police arrived at the house and the man answered “Good evening officers, what can I help you with?”
&nbsp;
“Sir we have some information about you and a dead body” one officer says. At this time the neighbor comes over and notifies the police to check the back yard. The police come in and see one freshly dug patch of grass next to a white pool that had two black sharks in it. “What’ve you been digging here?” says the other officer. They call in backup to dig in the backyard of the millionaire and find three dead bodies, after which they detain the man.
&nbsp;
In the police station they interrogate the man. “Why do you have three dead bodies in your backyard?” The millionaire was an honest man. In tears he told them about his wives that he’d accidentally killed. “I loved each one of them” says the millionaire “But even when I told them not to, each one of them asked me about the two black sharks in a white pool.”
&nbsp;
Confused, the police officer interrogating the man asks “What is with the two black sharks in the white pool? We saw them at your house.” The man becomes enraged and starts to attack the officer. The officer fearing for his life grabs his gun and shoots the man in the head.
&nbsp;
To this day nobody knows anything about the two black sharks in a white pool.
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhu8g/two_black_sharks_in_a_white_pool/
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On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven."

Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhtht/on_her_deathbed_my_wife_said_sweety_i_will_see/
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What's worse than a girl falling asleep during sex?

A girl waking up during sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qht7j/whats_worse_than_a_girl_falling_asleep_during_sex/
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Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis...
I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhrp3/toughest_time_of_my_life/
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What do Australians and wetting yourself in the basement have in common?

They're both incontinence down under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qho0l/what_do_australians_and_wetting_yourself_in_the/
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So my girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess.

So I put her in a castle and sent some Italian plummer to find her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhlz0/so_my_girlfriend_told_me_to_treat_her_like_a/
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My girlfriend treats me like a god

She ignores me till she wants to ask for something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhklj/my_girlfriend_treats_me_like_a_god/
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Our school should start a calculus club

We would all derive fun from it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhije/our_school_should_start_a_calculus_club/
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What's the difference between illegal and unlawful?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird.
Thanks folks, tip your waitresses I'll be here all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhieb/whats_the_difference_between_illegal_and_unlawful/
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A few years ago, I had a friend who was struggling with some mental health issues.

She once admitted to me that she was self harming, and even went so far as shoving pieces of sandpaper inside her vagina until she bled.
I told her it would be okay and things would get better, it was just a bit of a rough period for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhib6/a_few_years_ago_i_had_a_friend_who_was_struggling/
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This is a true story:

Mmmmmmmaaaaaaaaannnnnnnn! I just left the Mobil (gas station). I pulled up to get some gas and saw two police officers looking at a woman smoking while pumping gas. I'm like really look at this shit! And the police looked like they were thinking the same thing! So I go in to pay for the gas n grab some chips and while I was paying for my stuff I hear someone screaming. I look outside and the lady's arm was on fire! Freaking out! She was tossing and waving her arm around...just going crazy! I ran outside and the cops had put her on the ground. They were putting the fire out with a jacket. I go back in to get my chips(forgot to grab em) and turn to see them handcuffing her. I'm like what in the world is really going on?! So me being the concerned citizen that I am (aka nosey) asked the cops what they were arresting her for; already figuring that catching her arm on fire was punishment enough . Nope!
One cop looked dead at me and said "FOR WAVING A FIRE ARM"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhhr7/this_is_a_true_story/
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What do an uncircumcised penis and the kkk have in common?

They're both pricks in oversized hoods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhhhf/what_do_an_uncircumcised_penis_and_the_kkk_have/
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What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner?

He got the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhei2/what_happened_to_the_cannibal_who_was_late_for/
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A devout Muslim entered a cab in London

He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio, because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music, because in the time of the prophet there was no music especially western music, which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered,
"In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so get off and wait for a camel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhdwy/a_devout_muslim_entered_a_cab_in_london/
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A man and his wife head to a bar

And when they arrive, they sit down at the bar and order their drinks. Some time passes and the wife excuses herself to go to the restroom
Well, a few minutes had passed when she comes back agitated. She grabs her husband and says "You see that son of a bitch over there?" She points to a shady looking man at the pool table. "He just hit on me"
Husband says "Oh really?" as he sets his beer down.
"He told me he was going to take me home with him tonight"
He stands up from his stool
"He told me once he got me home, he was going to throw me on his bed and strip all my clothes off"
He starts to remove his coat, ready to deliver a legendary ass whooping
"He told me once he got me home, stripped me naked and threw me on his bed, he was going to fill my pussy up with whiskey and drink it all out"
The husband stops, puts his coat back on, sits back down, and picks his beer back up and says "Baby I love you, but I am not about to fuck with a man who can drink that much whiskey"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhcux/a_man_and_his_wife_head_to_a_bar/
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Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water,
Who knows what they did up there,
They came down with a daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qhb85/jack_and_jill_went_up_the_hill/
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Donald Trump is not a rapist.

He's an "alternative romantic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qh9f7/donald_trump_is_not_a_rapist/
%
Teenager asks his father to borrow the car...

A teenager went to his Father and asked if he could borrow the car for a date. The Father sizes him up and says: "Tell you what: you get a proper haircut and I'll let you use my car."
The teenager had long hair and was quite proud of it, so he thought about the offer. The teenager then gets an idea and says to his churchgoing father: "You know Dad, Jesus had long hair just like mine."
The father, without skipping a beat, says: "You know what son, you're right-and Jesus walked everywhere he went."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qh8c7/teenager_asks_his_father_to_borrow_the_car/
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How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term?

Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qh4ta/how_do_you_keep_trump_busy_for_the_rest_of_his/
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David Copperfield is doing his magic show...

...and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick.
"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."
"Ok," says David and the guy gets on stage.
He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts fucking her from behind.
David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"
The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's Fucking Magic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qh2mp/david_copperfield_is_doing_his_magic_show/
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I read a sign outside my local primary school saying: "Slow children playing."

I thought, fucking hell that can't do much for their self-esteem, but then I realised that they probably won't be able to read it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qgy04/i_read_a_sign_outside_my_local_primary_school/
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How are condoms like cameras?

They capture your special moments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qguyy/how_are_condoms_like_cameras/
%
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Clyde said, "Well, I had  just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving  down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.  I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now what the fuck would you say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qgupd/a_farmer_named_clyde_had_a_car_accident/
%
Putin, Trump and Merkel are all at a seaside resort having an argument...

The topic of the debate is which country has the best submarines.
Putin begins, saying "Russian submarines are best in the world! They can stay submerged for weeks at a time before needing supplies."
Trump laughs, "Oh no no, AMERICAN submarines are the best in the world. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it! They can go for months without needing supplies!"
Merkel opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted by a large submarine emerging from the water. The hatch opens, and a sailer shouts at them,
"Sieg Heil! We need fuel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qgu1i/putin_trump_and_merkel_are_all_at_a_seaside/
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Why was the calendar nervous?

His days were numbered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qgt3k/why_was_the_calendar_nervous/
%
Why are so many businessmen fat?

Must be all the inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qgprf/why_are_so_many_businessmen_fat/
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All in a night’s work

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qgp4z/all_in_a_nights_work/
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Prince Charles and the hooker...

Prince Charles and the Hooker: 4 years ago Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. “One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d yell, “One hundred and Fifty pounds!” He’d yell back, “Five pounds!” One day, Camilla decided to accompany her ‘husband’. As the couple neared the hooker’s corner, Prince Charles realised she’d bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he’d better have a good explanation for his Wife As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled: “See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!”......😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qgof9/prince_charles_and_the_hooker/
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How can you tell if someone is vegan?

They'll tell you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qgn3a/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_vegan/
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I buy every comic book I see. . .

My friends say I have lots of issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qglos/i_buy_every_comic_book_i_see/
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How do you fit 6 million Jews into a car?

Send them to clown school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qglbh/how_do_you_fit_6_million_jews_into_a_car/
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What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qgj5v/what_is_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down...

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife.
He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qgh68/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_and_sits_down/
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I think my new dog thinks he is a blacksmith

As soon as I took him inside he made a bolt for the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qggom/i_think_my_new_dog_thinks_he_is_a_blacksmith/
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My friend David lost his ID yesterday...

We just call him Dav now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qgcjl/my_friend_david_lost_his_id_yesterday/
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Why are women terrible drivers?

Because making sandwiches behind the wheel is a lot harder than making them in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qgb65/why_are_women_terrible_drivers/
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My sex life is just like Star Wars

It's either Han Solo, or I have to use force.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qgars/my_sex_life_is_just_like_star_wars/
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Being a father completely changed me.

I'm one of those motherfuckers now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qg8sa/being_a_father_completely_changed_me/
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An Alamaba boy married a Mississippi girl

On their wedding night the girl says to her husband "please be gentle in a virgin."
The man became disgusted and walked out of the house. Later at dinner he tells his family what happened.
"You made the right choice" said his father "if she ain't good enough for her brothers she sure as hell ain't good enough for you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qg7jx/an_alamaba_boy_married_a_mississippi_girl/
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What do you call a southern girl who runs faster than her brothers

A virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qg7d4/what_do_you_call_a_southern_girl_who_runs_faster/
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A poor mexican went to a hill to pray for a way to feed his family

As he was praying a black guy was walking nearby with groceries when he dropped his cheese wheel and it rolled to the Mexican. The Mexican grabbed it, praised god, and ran home.
When he gets home he instructs his wife to make nachos with the cheese.
"Why nachos" asks his wife "we can make so many better meals with this cheese"
"No" said the Mexican "god instructs me to make nachos."
"What do you mean" asked the wife
"As I was praying God sent me the cheese wheel and as I was running home with it I heard him yelling That's Nacho cheese, that's nacho cheese!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qg70o/a_poor_mexican_went_to_a_hill_to_pray_for_a_way/
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Donald Trump has just signed ANOTHER executive order

it's about foreign birds of prey. the order states that any bird, specifically eagles, who have some sort of illness like flu will not be allowed to enter the country.
Trump has labelled them -
ILL EAGLE IMMIGRANTS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qg5k7/donald_trump_has_just_signed_another_executive/
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My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man.

So I stuck it in her ass and called her Steve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qg43n/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_fuck_her_like_a_man/
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I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl...

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qg422/i_told_my_friends_i_had_a_date_with_a_really/
%
Why Would Clint Eastwood be Bad at Restructuring a Business?

He can't remember if he fired 5 or 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfzzm/why_would_clint_eastwood_be_bad_at_restructuring/
%
What is so good about dead baby jokes?

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfxf2/what_is_so_good_about_dead_baby_jokes/
%
How is Christmas like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfwea/how_is_christmas_like_your_job/
%
My wife and I got into an argument she said 'you should treat me like I'm the last woman on earth'

I said- what, lock you down in the basement and let men cum on your face for a million dollars?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfw7y/my_wife_and_i_got_into_an_argument_she_said_you/
%
What do you call a phobia of machetes?

Common sense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfvqn/what_do_you_call_a_phobia_of_machetes/
%
The CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub...

Michael O'Leary, the CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub.
The he says to the bartender "Can I have a pint of beer?"
The bartender says "Certainly, that'll be €0.50"
He responds with "50 cents? That's wonderfully cheap!"
But then the bartender tells him "And it'll be €1 for the glass, €3 if you want to sit down, €7 if you stand up, €15 to use the loo... "﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfvpt/the_ceo_of_ryanair_walks_into_a_pub/
%
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfute/my_friend_was_bleeding_and_the_first_aid_book/
%
I got kicked out of the library today

I got kicked out of the library for putting the women's rights book in the fiction section

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfusg/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_library_today/
%
Me and my friend used to like playing war growing up

one day i went to his parents house and told them their son died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfu5i/me_and_my_friend_used_to_like_playing_war_growing/
%
I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qftqk/i_hoped_that_one_day_i_would_have_a_girlfriend/
%
What do you say to a video game developer who's not that hard?

Ubisoft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qftm4/what_do_you_say_to_a_video_game_developer_whos/
%
You cant expect an honest person to beat Usain Bolt...

Only a cheetah can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qftd0/you_cant_expect_an_honest_person_to_beat_usain/
%
I was fed up with being burgled and robbed every other day in my neighbourhood...

The alarm system was of no use so I tore it out and deregistered from our ineffective local Neighbourhood Watch.
Instead, I've Planted a Syrian, Afghanistan, Yemeni and Iranian flag in four corners of my front garden.
Now, The city police, The National Security Bureau, MI-5, MI-6, The CIA And Every Other Intelligence Service In Europe... Are All keeping watch on my house 24x7 x 365.....
I'm followed to and from work every day and my wife too when she goes out shopping.
So no one bothers us at all...I've never felt safer.
All Thanks To these Flags!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfrz7/i_was_fed_up_with_being_burgled_and_robbed_every/
%
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank the coffee before it was cool 😎

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qflix/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
A crossfitter, a Texan, and a vegan walk into a bar. How do you know?

They all tell you within 3 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfj2w/a_crossfitter_a_texan_and_a_vegan_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How can you tell if a post on r/Jokes is unoriginal?

It makes the front page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfiie/how_can_you_tell_if_a_post_on_rjokes_is_unoriginal/
%
Slept like a log last night

Woke up in the fireplace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfi60/slept_like_a_log_last_night/
%
Which bees produce milk?

The boo-bees!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfgkl/which_bees_produce_milk/
%
What did the kid with no hands get for his birthday?

Gloves! Nah, just kidding. He hasn't unwrapped it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfeu9/what_did_the_kid_with_no_hands_get_for_his/
%
New movie coming out about a golden retriever who helps a deaf boy.

It's called "Ear Bud."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfegs/new_movie_coming_out_about_a_golden_retriever_who/
%
Mexico's president says he will not go to the U.S. for a meeting with Trump

The wall's not even finished and it kept a Mexican out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfe8a/mexicos_president_says_he_will_not_go_to_the_us/
%
I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfccm/im_american_and_im_sick_of_hearing_that_america/
%
Some day, Canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfb95/some_day_canada_will_take_over_the_world/
%
Whilst laying in bed with my girlfriend I turned to her to say "I love you so"...

She replied, "I love you so too!"
We then proceeded to discuss how one could not love Yoo So, for our Chinese friend is nothing but a delight to be around!
*Works better said aloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qfa1l/whilst_laying_in_bed_with_my_girlfriend_i_turned/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qf8rf/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
%
There's a lot I don't get about women

The main thing being their phone number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qf4wi/theres_a_lot_i_dont_get_about_women/
%
How much do noodles cost?

About a penne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qf0tf/how_much_do_noodles_cost/
%
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun.....

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat.
The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want,
I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that
every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You
could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun.
Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out
from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and
I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qezvs/a_hippie_gets_onto_a_bus_and_sits_next_to_a_nun/
%
Whale junior: Dad, where did I come from?

Papa whale: From my penis.
Whale junior: Umm thanks?
Papa whale: You're whalecum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qexhg/whale_junior_dad_where_did_i_come_from/
%
"What do we want!"

"Hearing aids!"
"When do we want them!"
"Hearing aids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qew6y/what_do_we_want/
%
[Nsfw] How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before swallowing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qew19/nsfw_how_do_you_know_you_have_a_high_sperm_count/
%
"Can we not have sex tonight? I'm tired"

"Hi Tired, I'm dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qeuvt/can_we_not_have_sex_tonight_im_tired/
%
You know why I drink apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qerqe/you_know_why_i_drink_apple_juice/
%
What do you call the underwear of someone experiencing nocturnal emissions?

Dreamcatchers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qerhm/what_do_you_call_the_underwear_of_someone/
%
I had my FIRST THREE WAY!!!

There were a couple of no-shows, but I STILL HAD A GREAT TIME!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qep9x/i_had_my_first_three_way/
%
I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset

But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qeovw/i_saw_a_veteran_begging_in_the_street_which_made/
%
Jack and Jill went up the hill

So Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Jack got a shock
and a mouthful of cock
'cause Jill's a goddam tranny!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qenj3/jack_and_jill_went_up_the_hill/
%
I'm deathly afraid of elevators.

I take a lot of steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qen9e/im_deathly_afraid_of_elevators/
%
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

It was a nice ceremony....but the reception was amazing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qel9o/did_you_hear_about_the_two_antennas_that_got/
%
Shout-out to my arms

For always being by my side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qej4h/shoutout_to_my_arms/
%
Where do dads keep their jokes?

In their dadabase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qefxc/where_do_dads_keep_their_jokes/
%
My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qeezz/my_girlfriend_kept_telling_me_to_treat_her_like_a/
%
A gay man goes to the doctor and is diagnosed with AIDS

The man is of course devastated, but asks the doctor if there is anything that can be done.
"Yes," says the doctor. "Go home and eat a pound of Chili, one dozen of unpeeled carrots, three cups of bran, half a pound of jalapeños, half a pound of licorice, and wash it all down with a gallon of prune juice."
"Will that cure me?" asks the patient hopefully.
"No," replies the doctor. "But it will teach you what your asshole is for."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qe4f5/a_gay_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_is_diagnosed/
%
The pilot gets ready for the flight

"Alright everyone, we will be taking off in a minute, please remain seated.", he says.
After taking off, the pilot forgot the microphone on.
"Know what I want now?", says the co-pilot, "a cup of coffee and a woman to suck my dick".
Noticing the problem with the mic, one of the attendants bolts off to warn them.
While she ran, someone on the back seats yells "Don't forget the coffee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qe3sm/the_pilot_gets_ready_for_the_flight/
%
A truck load of Viagra was stolen yesterday

Police don't know who did it, but they're on the lookout for hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qe0d1/a_truck_load_of_viagra_was_stolen_yesterday/
%
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley

Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qdxmu/i_had_a_dream_that_i_was_fighting_jason_bourne/
%
I used to have a weird affliction that caused me to alter all my Reddit posts to add the names of my favourite Frasier and Cheers actors but I'm over it now.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qdun1/i_used_to_have_a_weird_affliction_that_caused_me/
%
It's now apparently politically incorrect to say "Black paint"

Now you have to say "Tyrone can you please go paint the fence?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qdugf/its_now_apparently_politically_incorrect_to_say/
%
I was at my wife's friend's house to pick up some glassware from the last time we all got together

And my wife's friend walks in and says
"I want you to take off my shirt"
So I take off her shirt, and she says
"Now I want you to take off my pants"
So I take her pants off, and she tells me to take off her bra and panties, so I take them off. Finally, she says "and if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again I'm going to tell your fucking wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qdu6h/i_was_at_my_wifes_friends_house_to_pick_up_some/
%
Three couples walk into a church...

One is an elderly pair, the second pair a little younger and finally the third a couple of newlyweds. They meet with the pastor, a strict but amicable looking man. The three couples tell the pastor they want to join his congregation.
He gives them a big grin and replies, "Of course you may, but all of our new members must first pass a single test. If you can successfully abstain from sex for two weeks, we will welcome you with open arms."
Sure enough, they all agree to follow the pastor's instructions and leave. Two weeks later they're all back at the church.
The pastor first asks the elderly couple how it went. The husband replies, "Eh, it wasn't too hard.    At our age, sex is more of an accident." The pastor tells them they're welcome to his congregation.
He then turns to the younger couple and asks them the same question. The husband replies, "The first week was easy. The second.. Well I had to sleep on the couch, but we made it." The pastor welcomes them to the church, too.
Finally, he turns to the young couple and asks them about their two weeks. The husband replies, "Well, we were doing fine, honest, until she reached up a high shelf to grab a can of red paint. She was wearing this really short skirt and I couldn't very well control myself. We did it then and there."
The pastor solemnly shakes his head. "I am truly sorry but I can't let you into my congregation."
The newlywed husband says, "That's quite alright, father, for all its worth, I don't think they'll let us back into the Home Depot either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qdpe9/three_couples_walk_into_a_church/
%
What do you call an Asian guy that always shows up before he needs to?

Earl Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qdj29/what_do_you_call_an_asian_guy_that_always_shows/
%
The biggest lie

"I have read the terms and conditions"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qdik9/the_biggest_lie/
%
The US should rejoin Great Britain

Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qddlx/the_us_should_rejoin_great_britain/
%
My friend just found out that he is both gay and dyslexic.

He is still in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qdd36/my_friend_just_found_out_that_he_is_both_gay_and/
%
My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

That's nuts, I told him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qdc86/my_friend_told_me_about_a_wonder_food_that_he/
%
Alternate Lyrics: I kissed a Trans and I liked it.

The taste of her hairy lap stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qdc54/alternate_lyrics_i_kissed_a_trans_and_i_liked_it/
%
What is the center of a gay apple's life?

Décor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qd9pg/what_is_the_center_of_a_gay_apples_life/
%
Why was the cookie so sad?

Because his mother was a wafer so long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qd95k/why_was_the_cookie_so_sad/
%
Life is like toilet paper...

Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qd8lw/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
%
My girlfriend told me that if I took her to get sushi, I didn't have to use a condom after.

She's  getting the raw end of that deal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qd6pt/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_if_i_took_her_to_get/
%
I read an article recently on Hitler's speechwriter...

Apparently he was a real grammar Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qd629/i_read_an_article_recently_on_hitlers_speechwriter/
%
Hitler dies and goes to hell...

As he arrives, Satan greets him.
"Welcome to hell, Hitler." He says. "You deserve a place here for your actions. I will show you 3 rooms, and you'll have to switch places with the person inside the room. Now, follow me please."
Hitler stays silent and follows Satan. They walk into a corridor with 3 doors. Satan opens the first door. Inside, there's a fully burnt figure laying on the floor, constantly being burnt over and over by sunrays.
"Would you like to switch places?" Satan asks.
"Um... Nein, show me ze other options." Hitler responds. They walk on to the next room. Satan opens the door, revealing a man being crushed by a boulder over and over as he screams in agony with each impact.
"Would you like to switch places?" Satan asks.
"Nein. Show me ze last room." Hitler responds. Satan leads him to the last room, revealing a fat guy sitting on a chair, getting a blowjob from Kate Upton.
Without even Satan asking, Hitler grins and says "Ya, I want zis room!" He claims in excitment, thinking about the pleasures awaiting him.
Satan smiles. "Great choice, Mr. Adolf." He then turns his head to them. "Hey Kate, we found your substitute!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qd41r/hitler_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
It's difficult being a dyslexic agnostic

I'm never quite sure whether or not there's a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qd3qf/its_difficult_being_a_dyslexic_agnostic/
%
A guy moves way way out to the country...

...miles from anything. One day there's a knock at the door, and he opens it to find a guy in full hayseed regalia, overalls, thermal shirt, the works.
Hick: "Howdy, new neighbor! Would ya like to come to a party at my place tonight?"
New guy: "Well, sure! I'm new to these parts, I sure would love to meet the locals."
Hick: "I gotta warn ya, there'll be some drinkin'."
New guy: "That's OK, I could use a drink."
Hick: "There'll be some salty language."
New guy: "That won't bother me."
Hick: "...and some rough sex."
New guy: "Hey, I'm in! How about if I bring a case of wine?"
Hick: "Nah, a bottle should do: it's just you and me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qd0s0/a_guy_moves_way_way_out_to_the_country/
%
Two tickets for the 2017 Superbowl

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl on February 5th  -- box seats plus airfare, accommodations, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Isaac Jogues Catholic Church, in Pickering, at 5 p.m.
Her name's Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs., good cook, makes a good salary. She will be the one in the white dress . . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qcyba/two_tickets_for_the_2017_superbowl/
%
Why do batteries feel lonely?

Because they are never included in anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qcv3s/why_do_batteries_feel_lonely/
%
Why do they call "roach-clips", "roach-clips"???

because potholder was already taken.
I know it's like a venn diagram of drug jokes and dad jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qcv2p/why_do_they_call_roachclips_roachclips/
%
A man goes to a brain store...

He asks the owner how much an accountant's brain sells for.
The owner tells him, "We sell that for $6 per pound of brain."
He then asks how much a doctor's brain sells for.
The owner tells him, "We sell that for $11 per pound of brain."
Finally, the man asks how much a politician's brain sells for.
The owner tells him, "We sell that for $1,000 per 4 oz of brain."
The man is astonished and asks why so much.
The owner tells him. "Do you know how many politicians we need to kill to find 1 oz of brain?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qcq8l/a_man_goes_to_a_brain_store/
%
I posted a question about the brightest star in the night sky, but all I got were joke replies.

Should've added the [Sirius] tag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qcpw8/i_posted_a_question_about_the_brightest_star_in/
%
I walked in on my parents having sex last night...

Possibly the most awkward 45 minutes of my life...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qcnm9/i_walked_in_on_my_parents_having_sex_last_night/
%
I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex

She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qcjqz/i_told_my_wife_i_wanted_to_try_anal_sex/
%
What do you call a 20th century grammar nazi?

Alt-Write

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qciv0/what_do_you_call_a_20th_century_grammar_nazi/
%
How do you get a Jewish girl's number?

Lift up her sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qchb7/how_do_you_get_a_jewish_girls_number/
%
Artistic people of Reddit, what is being artistic really like?

And can I get fries with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qch8v/artistic_people_of_reddit_what_is_being_artistic/
%
Why did Purple hate Red?

Because she left him feeling Blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qcgha/why_did_purple_hate_red/
%
What was Albert Einsteins DJ name?

MC Squared

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qcg9o/what_was_albert_einsteins_dj_name/
%
Friends are a lot like trees...

They fall down when hit multiple times with an axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qceqz/friends_are_a_lot_like_trees/
%
A man has been shot with a starting pistol...

The police are pretty sure it's race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qccee/a_man_has_been_shot_with_a_starting_pistol/
%
A 79 year old pirate has his next birthday this morning....

he wakes up and says to his crew, "AYE-matey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qc44k/a_79_year_old_pirate_has_his_next_birthday_this/
%
After nine years of being together, I finally got down on one knee.

And begged her to take it up the arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qc00m/after_nine_years_of_being_together_i_finally_got/
%
What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qbqsb/what_do_you_call_a_singing_laptop/
%
I took a vacation to a city in France.

It was Nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qbl5t/i_took_a_vacation_to_a_city_in_france/
%
In the middle east its hard to tell who's crazy,

And Hussein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qbkll/in_the_middle_east_its_hard_to_tell_whos_crazy/
%
Australians don't have sex

They mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qbk3r/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
I had a thought the other day

Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qbjqv/i_had_a_thought_the_other_day/
%
Dad Joke

Dad: (Grabs his chest) Call me an ambulance
Son: You are........ an ambulance
Dad: Proud of you son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qbg08/dad_joke/
%
Three fourth grade boys participate in a dick measuring contest...

The boys are white, black and Korean. They all three pull out their whangs and measure up. The winner ends up being the black dude by a *long* shot.
When the black boy goes home, he goes up to his mom and says "Mooom! Today I got into a contest with the boys where we measured our dicks and I won! Is it because I'm black??
She said "No Tyrone its because you're 18".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qbe6l/three_fourth_grade_boys_participate_in_a_dick/
%
Sugar is the only word in English language in which "Su" is pronounced as "Shu".

I am pretty sure about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qbd0f/sugar_is_the_only_word_in_english_language_in/
%
Shout-out to my grandma

Because that's the only way she can hear me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qb67n/shoutout_to_my_grandma/
%
We have a strange custom in our office.

The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Kevin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qb5fz/we_have_a_strange_custom_in_our_office/
%
What climate scientist does Disney follow on twitter?

The rogue one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qb4r3/what_climate_scientist_does_disney_follow_on/
%
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."

The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qb0pu/a_redhead_tells_her_blonde_stepsister_i_slept/
%
What's the best part of being a lesbian in 1912?

Both got seats on the titanic's lifeboats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qaymb/whats_the_best_part_of_being_a_lesbian_in_1912/
%
3 Guys find a Genie in an Indoor swimming pool.

Genie: "Okay, all of you will get on the springboard, say what they wish to be in the pool it will be in there."
Max: "I want money!" And so he jumps in a pool of money.
Peter: "I want Chocolate" and so he jumps into a pool of chocolate.
Carl slips off the springboard and screams "SHIT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qav4t/3_guys_find_a_genie_in_an_indoor_swimming_pool/
%
To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qauzi/to_all_those_that_received_a_book_from_me_for_a/
%
I rang the RSPCA hotline...

I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road
"Are they moving?" asked the operator
"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qauc2/i_rang_the_rspca_hotline/
%
My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet...

The black objects absorb more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qaos3/my_professor_just_said_that_the_particle_of_light/
%
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff...

Baa dum tssssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qannx/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
Married for the 4th time

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse Careers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qagva/married_for_the_4th_time/
%
Being autistic is a bit like being a photon...

Getting from here to someplace else is instantaneous, but what happens in between is incomprehensible.
(source: am autistic)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qaft1/being_autistic_is_a_bit_like_being_a_photon/
%
A cowboy from Texas

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qadyb/a_cowboy_from_texas/
%
What does an electrician say while meditating?

Ohm... Ohm...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qadcm/what_does_an_electrician_say_while_meditating/
%
What do you call a guy who only posts clickbait?

A master-baiter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qacy3/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_only_posts_clickbait/
%
A housewife takes a lover during.....

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two
things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth
and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qacie/a_housewife_takes_a_lover_during/
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I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qa8ay/im_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
How to fall down the stairs

Step 1.
Step 2.
Step 5.
Step 8.
Step 13.
Step 17.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qa80p/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
%
The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qa4ym/the_american_education_system_obviously_listen_to/
%
Can you conquer the largest continent on earth?

No, but Genghis Khan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qa3ta/can_you_conquer_the_largest_continent_on_earth/
%
Arguing with a social conservative is like trying to play chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon is just going to shit on the board, knock down the pieces and strut around like it's victorious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qa31h/arguing_with_a_social_conservative_is_like_trying/
%
I started downloading Jaws the other day

But after one megabyte, my computer died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qa214/i_started_downloading_jaws_the_other_day/
%
What do you need to do after burning your balls on the asphalt of a dead end street?

You need to cul de sac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qa1rd/what_do_you_need_to_do_after_burning_your_balls/
%
What's a pirate's favourite letter?

You'd think "R", but his first love be the "C".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qa1n3/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
%
2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico
Silver - Mexico
Bronze - Mexico

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qa0vs/2020_olympic_high_jump_results/
%
A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes.

Genie: What is your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5qa05x/a_man_stumbles_upon_a_genie_and_is_granted_3/
%
Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity.

You know who you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9zs3/shoutout_to_everyone_who_is_struggling_with/
%
I was dating this girl in a wheelchair....

I tried so hard not to let her walk out of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9ziy/i_was_dating_this_girl_in_a_wheelchair/
%
What do you get when you cross Captain America with The Incredible Hulk?

A star-spangled banner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9zg6/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_captain_america/
%
What is Satan's favorite headset?

S810.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9vb1/what_is_satans_favorite_headset/
%
Hearing problems

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said "Can u describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9sa0/hearing_problems/
%
"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate...!!!"
"Thanks mate, I hadnt thought of that. Bye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9qxg/gday_mate_aussie_help_line_herewhats_the_problem/
%
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door.

He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9qpw/a_man_is_sitting_at_home_alone_when_he_hears_a/
%
Today I tried to pick up a girl by telling her I was invisible.

She saw right through me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9nwn/today_i_tried_to_pick_up_a_girl_by_telling_her_i/
%
What do you call a knitting snake?

A nanaconda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9ml7/what_do_you_call_a_knitting_snake/
%
How do you detach frogs leg

You Ribbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9mei/how_do_you_detach_frogs_leg/
%
Trump got angry with computers again...

Trump got angry with computers again, and ordered that White House staff are no longer allowed to use email to communicate.
Conway calmed him down and came up with a work-around. White House staff can continue using email, but in order not to anger Trump, they have to call it by a different name:
"Alternative Fax"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9m2w/trump_got_angry_with_computers_again/
%
A guys asks his grandpa how come he still calls his wife "darling" after being married for over 60 years.

the grandpa says : shush it, I forgot her name 30 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9ili/a_guys_asks_his_grandpa_how_come_he_still_calls/
%
What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9ao1/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
A boy and his grandpa

A grandfather is sitting on his porch having a beer when his grandson walks out and asks to try a sip. "Can your dick touch your asshole?" The grandpa asks. "No" says the boy. "Well, then you can't have any" says the grandpa.
The next summer day, it's hot out and the grandson is sitting on the porch eating ice cream. The grandfather comes out to sit with the boy and says, "boy it sure is hot! You mind giving your grandpa a bit of that ice cream?". "That depends. Can your dick touch your asshole?" Asks the boy. "Well, yeah it can" says the man. "Well then go fuck yourself" says the boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9af0/a_boy_and_his_grandpa/
%
My friend told me I didnthave the confidence to farm rocks.

You should have seen the look on his face when I grew boulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q9a4o/my_friend_told_me_i_didnthave_the_confidence_to/
%
Two scotsmen are playing golf.

There are two Scotsmen out for a day of golf, Angus is ready to swing on the fifteenth hole. There is a country road that runs parallel to the course.
As Angus is about to swing a funeral procession comes around the corner. He stops and takes off his hat until the funeral procession passed and turned the corner.
His friend is clearly moved, "Aye Angus, that was a very nice thing to do. Very respectful of ye to do that for that family."
Angus gets ready to continue paying and nods, "Aye, she was a good wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q99uv/two_scotsmen_are_playing_golf/
%
What's a programmer's favorite drug?

Codeine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q99ow/whats_a_programmers_favorite_drug/
%
What do you call your GPS if it has the voice of Terry Crews?

Crews Control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q97og/what_do_you_call_your_gps_if_it_has_the_voice_of/
%
Tried to catch fog today.

Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q8zrg/tried_to_catch_fog_today/
%
I'm much better at organizing my thoughts on Reddit than I am IRL

After all, most of my comments here just have the one point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q8wnc/im_much_better_at_organizing_my_thoughts_on/
%
There's a woman who gets dropped off at my building for work every day by the husband.

And every day the husband will come out and go to the passenger side to open the car door for her.
Seeing so much love from the husband I decided to ask her whether this has always been the way.
She replied no, it only started two years ago.
I asked "What made him change?"
The woman replied "Change? the inside door handle stopped working two years ago. He didn't want to change it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q8vz4/theres_a_woman_who_gets_dropped_off_at_my/
%
Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman"

Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."
~~Edit: I had a feeling butthurt people will be coming in shortly. Bring on the downvotes!~~
Edit #2: I didn't realize that my joke would garner such a decent amount of upvotes. I was honestly confident that it will have more downvotes than upvotes... Err thanks, I guess?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q8t83/wife_walks_up_to_husband_takes_off_her_pants_and/
%
So apparently "self-deprecating humour" is what's popular now...

And I'm really not that good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q8t23/so_apparently_selfdeprecating_humour_is_whats/
%
What was Romeo and Juliet's favorite fruit?

Cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q8rt6/what_was_romeo_and_juliets_favorite_fruit/
%
A science teacher stood in the front of the class and asked...

"Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"
"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q8phb/a_science_teacher_stood_in_the_front_of_the_class/
%
My roommate seemed like he was in denial when I told him I spilled all his protein powder...

...he just kept saying "no whey, no whey"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q8oig/my_roommate_seemed_like_he_was_in_denial_when_i/
%
What do you call an angry Muslim in Ramadan?

Fastin' Furious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q8kgp/what_do_you_call_an_angry_muslim_in_ramadan/
%
I wanted to get a brain transplant...

But I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q8j72/i_wanted_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q8fxt/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
When I was a kid, I had a lemonade stand. I'd give away the first glass for free and charge $20 for the second.

The refill contained the antidote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q8d69/when_i_was_a_kid_i_had_a_lemonade_stand_id_give/
%
China already tried Trump's giant wall idea, and we saw how that worked out...

not too many fuckin' Mexicans in China, are there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q89df/china_already_tried_trumps_giant_wall_idea_and_we/
%
A little girl goes to her father... (long)

"Dad, where do we come from?"
The father replies, "Well, a long time ago, God decided that he would create Adam, and then a wife for him Eve, to live here on earth. He allowed them to live here and have children and we come from them."
The girl, seemingly perplexed, then goes to her mother. "Mom, where do we come from?"
The mother says, " Well, I guess you're not too young for this, a long time ago, there were a species of apes that evolved over generations, and one of the successful evolution happened when the apes slowly became human, and we are descendant from that line of apes."
The girl, now fuming, goes back to her father, "DAD! why did you lie to me? Mom said that we evolved from apes!"
The father, "Oh, I see the confusion. Let me clarify, **MY** family is descendant from Adam and Eve. Your **MOTHER's** family is descendant from apes."
A joke my dad told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q88gr/a_little_girl_goes_to_her_father_long/
%
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q880f/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that_died/
%
I was gonna play Zelda via online emulator, but didn't wanna close the site I was on...

...so I clicked "open Link in New Tab".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q8747/i_was_gonna_play_zelda_via_online_emulator_but/
%
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q86fd/i_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_where_the_sun_went/
%
Have you heard of the new rumor about butter?

Never mind, I don't want to spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q82ng/have_you_heard_of_the_new_rumor_about_butter/
%
I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.

He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q82l7/im_actually_really_happy_with_trumps_presidency/
%
ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q7t17/attention_this_afternoon_i_will_attempt_to_travel/
%
My dog has been chasing people on bikes lately

so I had to take away his bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q7svx/my_dog_has_been_chasing_people_on_bikes_lately/
%
Dave's life sucks

So Dave is having a bad year, lost his wife house and job.  It's  been months and nothing is going right.  A broken man he kneels to pray, "god please I don't ask for much but please I need to win the lottery".  The lottery numbers are drawn and he is crestfallen so he tries again, "please God I can't pay my bills or afford food please let me win the lottery".  Well numbers are drawn and Dave doesn't win.  One last time he kneels to pray.  "God if I don't win the lottery I'm finished my life won't be fixable please please please make me win".  When the numbers are called he breaks down and screams and curses blaming god.  As Dave sits sobbing god appears before him, "you know you could meet me half way and buy a ticket".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q7nyh/daves_life_sucks/
%
I'm gonna open a Pho restaurant that never closes!

It's called Twenty Pho Seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q7n9d/im_gonna_open_a_pho_restaurant_that_never_closes/
%
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q7mjd/why_dont_you_ever_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/
%
One day I hope to watch a cable show that says "Brought to you by..

The bill you pay every fucking month."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q7l7o/one_day_i_hope_to_watch_a_cable_show_that_says/
%
What do you call the hair between your grandma's tits?

Her pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q7l2h/what_do_you_call_the_hair_between_your_grandmas/
%
The elderly Italian man went to his parish......

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear
his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door
and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with
her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly
at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy,
will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q7k55/the_elderly_italian_man_went_to_his_parish/
%
Donald Trump is already generating millions of the new jobs in America!

Thanks to him, protesting is now considered a full time job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q7g8p/donald_trump_is_already_generating_millions_of/
%
a psychic midget escaped from jail

Yes, we have a small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q7fbp/a_psychic_midget_escaped_from_jail/
%
I'm so patriotic; I piss red, white, and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q7eke/im_so_patriotic_i_piss_red_white_and_blue/
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After the worse accident the town has ever seen

A lorry has managed to drive into a school, ran over students during their assembly. The paramedics estimate that the deaths number in more than a hundred person. In order to get to the bottom of the accident, a policeman started to question the driver.
Driver: I was just trying to avoid the lorry in front of me, but on my right there were 5 schoolkids walking, but on my left there were 2 kids on a bike. So i swallowed my guilt, and I decided to go left. Tell me officer, What would you have done?
Policeman : I would've veered to the left as well.
Driver: See? That's what I did as well!
Policeman: But if you decided to veer off to the left, and hit the two kids on the bicycle, then how did you end up in a school, running over hundreds of students?
Driver: Well, as I veered off to the left, I hit only one of them, and the other kid managed to avoid me. So I chased him into the school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q7chw/after_the_worse_accident_the_town_has_ever_seen/
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What does a 90 year old's pussy taste like?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q79pt/what_does_a_90_year_olds_pussy_taste_like/
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Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke

He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies “Yes I do!” and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks “Where did you get this?” The guy replies “Oh I have a personal genie.” The first man asks “Can I make a wish? ” Sure says the other man “Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing” “Ok I will” says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says ” I want a Million Bucks ” The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other ” Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?” The other man replies “I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q76bg/two_men_were_out_fishing_when_one_decides_to_have/
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I snapped my fingers to get a waiter's attention.

Pretty stupid really, now I need surgery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q71ki/i_snapped_my_fingers_to_get_a_waiters_attention/
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Donald Trump and Mike Pence are on a plane...

Suddenly Mike Pence says "I can throw 100 dollars out of the plane and make 100 people happy".
Donald says "I can throw 1000 dollars out of the plane and make 1000 people happy".
The pilot over heard this and said, "I can throw both of you out of this plane and make the whole country happy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q714w/donald_trump_and_mike_pence_are_on_a_plane/
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I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q6xuu/i_pissed_off_two_men_today_because_i_referred_to/
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Donald Trump has done so much good for American education.

Now instead of citing my sources on an English paper, I can just write down, "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q6wlk/donald_trump_has_done_so_much_good_for_american/
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I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person...

...and that person drinks a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q6uzn/i_only_drink_a_little_but_when_i_do_i_turn_into/
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Why do the french hate League of Legends?

They have to wait 20 minutes before surrendering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q6qlh/why_do_the_french_hate_league_of_legends/
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Trump walks into a bar....

Because it was set so low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q6oqm/trump_walks_into_a_bar/
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Trump has no mistresses...

He has alternative fucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q6nuy/trump_has_no_mistresses/
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Trump with a lump in his rump.

Doctor: Well Mr. Trump, there's a lump in your rump... a giant lump that can't be dumped.
Trump: You seem stumped.
Doctor: Well your dues are paid, but surgeries been delayed, have you ever heard of Row v. Wade?
Trump: That laws was stupid, now it's out of the way.
Doctor: That's true, but for you, this is really bad news. We've taken an ultrasound and we have found, your lump qualifies as a living thing, now that it's two feet around.
Trump: But doctor that thing would kill me if I don't get it out.
Doctor: Okay Mr. Trump, but you don't need to shout.
Trump: What you're saying's impossible, you're just trying to give me a hassle.
Doctor: We thought it impossible too, but we've never seen such an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q6lka/trump_with_a_lump_in_his_rump/
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My girlfriend uses an amazing skin moisturizer

It's like taking a handy from a baby!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q6kvw/my_girlfriend_uses_an_amazing_skin_moisturizer/
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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q6h0y/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_21_year_old_girl_today/
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What do you call an epileptic frolicking in a garden?

Seizure salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q6fb6/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_frolicking_in_a/
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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will get this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q6biy/theres_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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I remember when I lost my virginity.

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q6ago/i_remember_when_i_lost_my_virginity/
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My friend died from eating too much waterfowl

I thought he had lived a good, happy life
He told me that he was full of Egrets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q6agj/my_friend_died_from_eating_too_much_waterfowl/
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Knock Knock.

Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q68fb/knock_knock/
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I have a girlfriend named Refrigerator

She always opens up to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q677i/i_have_a_girlfriend_named_refrigerator/
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Worst day of this guy's life

A man jumps in his car headed to work. Halfway there he gets in a bad crash. He's fine, but by the time he finally gets to work his boss is super pissed and fires him. The guy takes the bus home but has to walk the last mile. Tired and unhappy, he opens the door and hears what he immediately knows is the sound of love making from upstairs. He rushes up to his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with his best friend. He yells at her to get her stuff and get out. Then he glares at his best friend and says, "And as for you--bad dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q6587/worst_day_of_this_guys_life/
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I was gonna make a joke about black people...

, but it's too dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q63l7/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_about_black_people/
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Wife: "Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits."

Husband: "For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q60vb/wife_look_i_havent_worn_this_in_8_years_and_it/
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What food reduces a couple's sex life by 90%?

Wedding cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5xcv/what_food_reduces_a_couples_sex_life_by_90/
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What's your favorite pickup line?

Mine is the Ford F Series.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5tnv/whats_your_favorite_pickup_line/
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Family Vacation

A family on vacation walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5sp6/family_vacation/
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What happens when you inject human DNA into a goat?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5qfx/what_happens_when_you_inject_human_dna_into_a_goat/
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Why is the sky blue?

Son:  Dad..Why is the sky blue?
Dad: Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing the lawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5oeo/why_is_the_sky_blue/
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I was walking down the street, and found a homeless man. Being the generous person I am, I gave him a dollar.

I walked a little further and found a homeless woman. Being the generous person I am, I gave her 76 cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5nfp/i_was_walking_down_the_street_and_found_a/
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A statistician walks up to a girl in the bar

Guy: You're the most average girl out here.
Girl: Hey, you're mean!
Guy: No, you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5ml1/a_statistician_walks_up_to_a_girl_in_the_bar/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are travelling in their car when they break down in the desert. They each take one thing from the car to walk back to the nearest town. "I'm taking the sandwich so if we get hungry we can eat it." says the redhead. "Okay, I'll bring some water so if we get thirsty we can drink it." says the brunette. "Awesome!" Exclaims the blonde. "I'll take the car door so if we get hot we can roll down the window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5gxd/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead/
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Don't call Donald Trump a cunt.

He lacks the warmth and depth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5gii/dont_call_donald_trump_a_cunt/
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[politics] I think Trump settled the whole "tiny hands equals small penis" argument today...

It must take a pretty massive dick to fuck the entire world at once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5fzp/politics_i_think_trump_settled_the_whole_tiny/
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What does the Italian cat say?

Cheow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5fwq/what_does_the_italian_cat_say/
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A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'
The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'
The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and suck mommy's cock'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5fq6/a_guy_gets_taken_to_his_cell_on_his_first_day_of/
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There are 10 types of people in the world

Those who understand binary, those who do not understand binary and those who did not expect this joke to be in ternary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5fap/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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If you are American when you go into the bathroom...

... and you are American when you come out of the bathroom. What are you while you are in the bathroom?
European!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5erg/if_you_are_american_when_you_go_into_the_bathroom/
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I was helping Mom with the computer and now she thinks I'm racist...

All I told her to do was push "ALT + →"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5ccu/i_was_helping_mom_with_the_computer_and_now_she/
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A man asks his wife a favor...

NSFW
A man walks up to his wife and says, "Honey, in all the years we've been married, you've never given me a blowjob.  Would you please give me a blowjob?"
"No way.  If I give you a blowjob, you'll never respect me."
"Honey, I promise I will respect you."
After a few minutes of convincing, the wife gives in and gives him a blowjob.
The wife then looks up at the husband and asks, "Well, how was it, did I do it right?"
The husband says, "How should I know?  You're the cocksucker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5bwt/a_man_asks_his_wife_a_favor/
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I used to be addicted to soap

But I'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q5bv2/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
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TIL "saltpeter" is a casual term for potassium nitrate.

The more you KNO...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q58iu/til_saltpeter_is_a_casual_term_for_potassium/
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Cheesy joke

A muenster attacked Emmenthal institution. Everyone cheddared with panic. There was de brie everywhere. It was no Gouda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q55xs/cheesy_joke/
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A guy walks into a lunatic asylum

He starts yelling "I'm going to derivate you all!"
All the Napoleons and Theodor Roosevelts start to panic while one guy just starts laughing his ass off.
When asked why he's laughing he says:
"I'm e^x"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q53lr/a_guy_walks_into_a_lunatic_asylum/
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If light travels faster than sound.

Then why do I always hear a honk before the light turn green?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q4uy6/if_light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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What do you call a dog who likes a lot of bass in his music?

A Sub-Woofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q4uvq/what_do_you_call_a_dog_who_likes_a_lot_of_bass_in/
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Capcom is developing a new game based on Donald Trump...

It's called President Evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q4tvv/capcom_is_developing_a_new_game_based_on_donald/
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Melania Trump walks into a bar...

and orders and Angel shot with lime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q4oou/melania_trump_walks_into_a_bar/
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A photon arrives at the airport

As he checks in, security asks him: "Do you not have any luggage?"
The photon replies, "No, I'm travelling light".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q4kb5/deleted_by_user/
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A student walks into class late...

Teacher: "Why are you late?"
Student: "While I was coming, I saw a sign that said **School ahead. Slow down.**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q4gqd/a_student_walks_into_class_late/
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A couple lives in a expensive high-rise appartment

They have a son who was about 10 years old. One day the couple get horny but can't do anything since the boy was home from school The dad comes up with an idea.
"Billy, how about we play a little game. You step out on the balcony and tell us all you see? Don't look back in here until we tell you okay?"
Billy shrugs and goes out on the balcony. While he is standing out there the mom pulled her skirt up and pulls her pantes off while the dad pulls his pants down. The couple starts to have sex on the couch while the mom shouts to Billy.
"Make sure you say what you're looking at loudly so we can here you!" she said, trying not to moan.
"Okay... there are a bunch of people lined up at the pizza place... the cops pulled someone over near our building... there is a fire down the street... The Patterson's across the street are having sex..."
The couple stop when they hear their son say that.
"H... how do you know they are having sex?" the dad asks.
"Because they sent their daughter out on their balcony to play the same stupid game you have me playing!" Billy answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q4bjd/a_couple_lives_in_a_expensive_highrise_appartment/
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I'm addicted to brake fluid...

....but I can stop whenever I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q4bis/im_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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Amazing Red Cloud

A guy was driving down the highway in Arizona and he sees a sign that says “Amazing Red Cloud, the Indian who remembers everything”. So the guy pulls over and there under a canopy sits an Indian on a bucket.
The guy asks the Indian, “What did you have for breakfast on July 8th, 1987?”
The Indian says, “Eggs”.
The guy gets mad and says that answer proves nothing, and he gets in his car and drives away.
10 years later the guy and his family are on vacation in Arizona when the guy passes the same sign, “Amazing Red Cloud, the Indian that remembers everything.” So the guy pulls over and sure enough there is the same Indian, sitting on a bucket under a canopy. The guy walks up to the Indian and raises his hand and says, “How”.
The Indian replies, “Scrambled.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q42gy/amazing_red_cloud/
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Moses is out playing golf with two of his buddies in heaven.

He takes a few swings and gets par on the current hole. The next guy swings and gets a hole in one. Moses says to the guy "Hey, Jesus you're pretty good!" The third guy takes a swing and misses completely hitting a tree and bouncing into the pond. Then a fish jumps out of the water with the golf ball and the fish is snatched by an eagle. The eagle flies over and the fish drops the golf straight into the hole. Moses looks at Jesus and exclaims "This is why I never play with your dad. He always cheats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q41o9/moses_is_out_playing_golf_with_two_of_his_buddies/
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If you had $1 for every time you've masturbated

What color would your Bugatti be?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q3ys6/if_you_had_1_for_every_time_youve_masturbated/
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A blonde, a drunk, a liar, and a loser walk into a bar to order a couple drinks...

The bartender says: "There's my favorite customer! What will it be this time Ms. Clinton?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q3wwd/a_blonde_a_drunk_a_liar_and_a_loser_walk_into_a/
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Panda Dinner Etiquette

A Panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders a meal and eats it.
After politely paying for his meal, he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. He immediately walks out the door.
"Why did you do that?" hollered the confused waitress.
Looking back over his shoulder the panda says "I'm a panda". "Look it up in the dictionary."
The waitress locates the dictionary on her bosses desk and searches for the definition of panda bear. Finding it she reads, "Panda Bear - A large black and white bear like mammal native to the far east. Eats shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q3wkc/panda_dinner_etiquette/
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The Three Randies

Three friends have gotten together for their weekly drinks and chat and they are all discussing their new boyfriends.   By coincidence, all three of the boyfriends are named "Randy".  This, of course, causes confusion as to which Randy they are discussing.
The friends decide to give their boyfriends nicknames so as to avoid confusion, and decide to name their beaus after various soda pops.
Friend #1 says "I'm gonna call my boyfriend Randy Seven-Up, because he's got seven inches, and he's always up!".  The friends share a hearty laugh, down a shot, and look to friend #2.
Friend #2 says "I'm gonna call my boyfriend Randy Mountain Dew, because he likes to mount and do it!."  The friends share a hearty laugh, down a shot, and look to friend #3.
Friend #3 thinks for a moment and says "I'm gonna call my boyfriend Randy Jack Daniels."  The other two look at each other, confused, and say "But Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!"  Friend #3 smiles and winks and says "That's my Randy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q3rf6/the_three_randies/
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A baby was born premature without eyelids

The doctors were baffled because they had never seen a baby born without eyelids before. Obviously eyelids are an important part of the human body so the doctors decided the best thing to do was take skin from somewhere else and use it to make eyelids for the baby.
The parents of the baby were Jewish and had already told the doctors that they wanted their baby circumcised. The head doctor, a quick thinking man, figured rather than taking a skin graft and putting the baby in even more pain he would use the circumcised skin to make the eyelids.
The surgery was a success and after a few weeks of healing the eyelids function just as intended. As he grew his body adjusted and now he looks great! He's just a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q3pg7/a_baby_was_born_premature_without_eyelids/
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Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day....

They are waiting at the gate when St. Peter arrives and greets them, "Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven and it is don't step on the ducks." The women each look at each other confusingly. St. Pete opens the gate and sure enough there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.
The first woman goes in and lasts a week and steps on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together. He says, "This is your consequence for stepping on a duck. You must be stuck with this man for all eternity," and disappears.
The second woman goes for a month and finally steps on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.
The third woman goes on for years and years, but never steps on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeus man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves. The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, "Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you." He slowly looks down at her and says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q3mta/three_women_all_die_in_a_car_crash_and_go_to/
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How did Vikings send secret messages?

By Norse code!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q3lhg/how_did_vikings_send_secret_messages/
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Two men, an American and a Russian were argueing. One said, in my country I can go to the white house walk to the president's office and pound the desk and say "Mr president! I don't like how you're running things in this country!" The Russian said "I can do that too!"

"really?"
"Yes! I can go to the Kremlin, walk into the general secretary's office and pound the desk and say, mr. secretary, I don't like how Reagan is running his country!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q3h2z/two_men_an_american_and_a_russian_were_argueing/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

0, they'll just protest and hope someone else changes it to one they like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q3cr4/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I wish my lawn was emo

so it would cut itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q3b32/i_wish_my_lawn_was_emo/
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What's your name?

A guy sitting at the bar is making small talk with the cute barmaid
He asks her what her name is, and she replies "Carmen"
"That's a pretty name" he says, "did your mother give it to you?"
"No, I picked it myself", she says.
"Interesting... so how did you come up with Carmen?"
"Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q37xc/whats_your_name/
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Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.
Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”
Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”
The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q37tl/trump_steps_out_onto_the_white_house_lawn_in_the/
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To the citizens of the USA from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In the light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded -- a questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware of a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, and never mugs, with high-quality biscuits (not cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
*God Save the Queen!*
Disclaimer: I never saw this posted here, and though it may be a bit dated, I thought it was an entertaining read.
Ps: sorry it's long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q37t1/to_the_citizens_of_the_usa_from_her_sovereign/
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woman driver

I was on my way to work today, when I saw a woman driving with her hazard lights on.
I thought to myself, "At least she's honest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q34gz/woman_driver/
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What do a good woman and KFC have in common?

After nibbling the breast and thighs there's a greasy box to put your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q32qf/what_do_a_good_woman_and_kfc_have_in_common/
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What did the guy who got fired for always being late say?

It was just a matter of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q313w/what_did_the_guy_who_got_fired_for_always_being/
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A boy and his grandfather are playing outside...

A boy and his grandfather are playing outside. They see a worm come out of a hole.
"I bet you $5 you can't put the worm back in that hole," the grandfather said.
The boy gets a glint in his eye and runs into the house. He returns with a bottle of hairspray and proceeds to spray the worm until it is stiff, then he sticks it in the hole.
The grandpa, defeated, gives the boy $5 and takes the bottle of hairspray. He walks into the house and the boy keeps playing.
A while later, the grandfather returns outside and gives the boy $10.
"But grandpa, you already gave me the money for the bet," the boy told him.
"Yeah, I know. *That* money is from grandma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2xx6/a_boy_and_his_grandfather_are_playing_outside/
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A young man goes into a drug store to.....

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot.
I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents,
and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree.
He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2xow/a_young_man_goes_into_a_drug_store_to/
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"Mom I wanna go bungee jumping."

"NO!"
"But all my friends are going"
"Oh! So if your friends jump off a cliff, will you too?"
"Er...yes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2xfz/mom_i_wanna_go_bungee_jumping/
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An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent.

"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"
"'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" says the agent.
"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".
The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', you're late, get up to makeup straight away.
So he runs up to make up. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"
So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you" asks the stage manager.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', get on there, the curtains about to go up"
So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.
Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2x9d/an_out_of_work_actor_gets_a_call_from_his_agent/
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What do you call a girl who is bad at drawing?

Tracey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2wqe/what_do_you_call_a_girl_who_is_bad_at_drawing/
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A teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

One day, during grammar lessons, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
&nbsp;
First, she called on Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the
teacher. She then called on John. ''My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, John!"
&nbsp;
Then the teacher reluctantly called on Mark. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f**king beautiful!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2w42/a_teacher_asked_for_a_show_of_hands_from_those/
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Mick and Paddy on the quiz show

Two irishmen called Mick and Paddy go to UK´s quiz show Mastermind in hopes of showing how smart they are. Mick goes to the chair, while Paddy sits with the audience.
In comes the show´s host Magnus Magnusson:
*Magnus*: "what is your choice of subject?"
*Mick*: "Irish history".
*Magnus*: "First question- when was the Battle of the Boyne fought?"
There is a long silence while the crowd awaits the answer.
*Mick*: "Pass".
*Magnus*: "Second question- When was Ireland declared independent"?
Another long silence...
*Mick*: "Pass".
*Magnus*: "Third question- Who was the first president of Ireland?"
Mick: "Pass".
Suddenly Paddy shouts from the audience:
"GOOD ON YOU MICK! TELL THE BASTARDS NOTHING!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2tlq/mick_and_paddy_on_the_quiz_show/
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My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights...

You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say:
"Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2sqn/my_daughter_always_said_she_wanted_to_see_her/
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During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2pb5/during_an_argument_with_my_wife_she_dropped_the/
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I used to be a circumcist.

The pay was shit but I got to keep the tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2og5/i_used_to_be_a_circumcist/
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TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2off/til_humans_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
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Meanwhile in the reptile design office in the planet construction halls of Magrethea...

>Credit to John Fennimore of BBC Radio 4
Down the corridor from Slartibartfarst and his fjord design office, in the planet construction halls, another magrethean is called in to see his supervisor.
“You wanted to see me sir”
“Ah, Zebon sit down,” The supervisor said pointing to chair, “I’m loving your work on the reptiles for Earth 2.0 the gecko is top notch, walks up walls!, and the chameleon is master stroke.”
“I can sense a ‘but’ sir”
“Well see it’s the snake”
“what about it?”
“Are we putting you under too much pressure?”
“no sir”
“Then this design, it lacks the effort of your normal work”
“I’m quite proud of it sir”
“well it’s just…just a tube really Zebon”
“I would call it sleek”
“and your happy with that? how will it move?”
“Slither sir”
“Couldn’t you give it legs”
“It doesn’t need legs; it is perfect design sir”
“Well Zebon that is bothersome, you see back in my day in the office I invented legs and think they are perfect for the job of locomotion”
“true sir, they are but we have kind of been using them a lot recently”
“Still I think the snake would be better with at least one or two legs”
“Why sir”
“It’s just well CREEPY!”
“The snake is not creepy sir”
“yes it is creepy Zebon, I’m sure legs would make it less creepy…Yes legs make it a lot less creepy”
“What sir, like the spiders?”
“Ok I admit I made a mistake with the spiders… too many legs, but it was an experiment”
“and the centipede”
“You know well Zebon I was drunk that day. I still think the snake would be less creepy with a couple of legs”
“Please sir just try it”
“Zebon you’re a good designer and the reptiles are your design, I will trust your judgement this once, we will do the snake your way, but please consider legs next time. Now get out of here before I change my mind…I still thinks its Creepy” The supervisor shudders.
Zebon gets up to leave thanking the supervisor for his chance to prove himself and the supervisor goes back to reviewing the papers on his desk. Then a thought strikes him as Zebon footsteps are echoing down the corridor.
“JUST FOR GODS SAKE DON’T GIVE IT TEETH!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2kpk/meanwhile_in_the_reptile_design_office_in_the/
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Apart from designers, what profession is the best at making clothes?

Biologists, they work with genes all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2kkm/apart_from_designers_what_profession_is_the_best/
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Rude grandma

I was buying fruits at the supermarket whilst waiting for change I saw an elderly woman with a small child. The child was walking a bit faster than the woman and the woman shouted, "Degree! Wait for me!" I was so amazed hearing that name. So to satisfy my curiousity, I walked closer to the woman and asked, "Excuse me why do you call this child Degree?" The woman laughed and said, "I sent her mother to the University and this is what she brought home..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2g1r/rude_grandma/
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A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.
He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.
It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q2fi1/a_shopkeeper_was_dismayed_when_a_brand_new/
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They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

But it's costing me a fortune in houses!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q28yo/they_say_you_should_test_your_fire_alarm_once_a/
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I don't understand why everyone is getting so worked up about there being more than 2 genders...

There's always been 3 anyways: male, female and wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q274d/i_dont_understand_why_everyone_is_getting_so/
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If I win tonight's Powerball, I'm sharing with everyone on Reddit.

I'm not sharing the money. I'll just let you know I won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q266v/if_i_win_tonights_powerball_im_sharing_with/
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What do you call a bird who never remembers song lyrics?

A hummingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q258v/what_do_you_call_a_bird_who_never_remembers_song/
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Did you hear about the shy masturbating turtle?

he really came out of his shell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q24tk/did_you_hear_about_the_shy_masturbating_turtle/
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A SEO expert walks into a bar

Bar, bars, pub, lounge, restaurant, beer garden, nightclub, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, beer, wine, whisky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q24c7/a_seo_expert_walks_into_a_bar/
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In a courtroom...

*Mickey. mouse, it says here you want to divorce Minnie because she was... extremely silly?
"No! I said she was fucking goofy!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1xor/in_a_courtroom/
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Doctor: "Your x-ray showed a broken rib...

... but we fixed it with Photoshop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1vxd/doctor_your_xray_showed_a_broken_rib/
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No Speech Therapy for him (NSFWish)

A man came to the doctor's office, frustrated and tired. He says," D-d-doc, I have this sp-peech problem. I've ha-d-d it all my life and it's ma-making me miserable. I c-can't speak in public. I have trouble in business me-meetings a-a-nd it's affecting my family now. P-p-please help Doc"
So the doctor gives the man a full evaluation and notes that he is completely normal except for his large cock. After some tests he comes back into the room to give the man the news.
"Well sir it seems that the length and girth of your genitalia is putting tension on your vocal cords which I believe is causing your speech impediment. If we were to perform an operation to reduce your penis I think it should help alleviate the symptoms."
The man appears relieved and genuinely happy to finally have a solution. "Well doc, if-f-f you th-think this will w-work I have t-to try I just can't take it anymore."
Surgery is schedule and it is a complete success. The man begins to regain confidence in public speaking, business and with his kids. However over time he finds his relationship with his wife is becoming more strained. He goes back to the doctor for a consultation.
"Listen Doc I'm extremely happy with the results of my surgery, I feel more confident and proud than ever before... but you see my wife, she's my world, I love her. Through all those bad times she kept me together. I love her and I miss our amazing love life we enjoyed before. I want to make her happy again. Can we reverse the operation"
The Doc looks up from his papers, "N-now w-w-wait j-just a minute..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1vce/no_speech_therapy_for_him_nsfwish/
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A man walks into a bar with a small turtle in his hand.

The turtle has one black eye, two of its legs are twisted horrifically and it's shell is duct taped together.
The bartender, about to tie his German Shepard to the counter, asks the man, "Is your turtle OK?,"
"Better than that," the man responds, "This turtle is incredibly fast. In fact, go over to the other side of the bar and on the count of three call over that dog of yours. I bet $50 that my turtle can reach that side of the bar before your dog can."
Believing this is an easy $50, and that the man was mad, he accepts and walk to wall of the bar opposite to where his dog, the turtle and the man were. On the count of three, the bartender calls over his dog.
But suddenly, the man picks up his turtle, and throws it across the room, barely missing the bartender and smashing into the wall.
The man walks over to the horrified bartender and gleefully says, "Fifty bucks, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1upy/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_small_turtle_in_his/
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Thanks for coming

I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1uir/thanks_for_coming/
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You should never masticate in your bed...

You'll get crumb everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1t37/you_should_never_masticate_in_your_bed/
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What do you call it when the new US president waves his hand?

A microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1sjq/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_new_us_president/
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A Russian platoon is hiking through the wood...

...when suddenly the point man drops dead from a bullet through his head. The Commander orders the platoon to halt and take cover, when they hear a voice echo through the forest from behind a nearby ridge.
"1 Finnish sniper is worth 5 Russian soldiers!"
Stunned by this ridiculous claim, the Russian Commander orders 5 men to go over the ridge and kill the sniper. They slowly move over the top of the ridge, guns at the ready, when suddenly 5 shots ring out in quick succession.
"1 Finnish sniper is worth 10 Russian soldiers!" The voice calls out again.
Enraged at the loss of his men and this further insult, the Commander sends 10 men over the ridge this time to put an end to this arrogant sniper. The men head over the ridge, and for a few moments, there is silence. Then, 10 shots, 1 after the other. The only other sound is the men screaming as they die.
"1 Finnish sniper is worth an entire Russian Platoon of soldiers!" The voice says once more.
Furious, the Commander sends his entire remaining platoon over the ridge, screaming that the Russian army is the best in the world. His men charge over the ridge, firing wildly into the trees. Steadily though, over the next few minutes, the firing stops. Finally, a single Russian soldier clambers back over the ridge, clutching at a bullet wound in his arm.
"Sir! Sir, there isn't just the one! They lied about their numbers!" He cries.
"Well that's obvious! They killed our entire platoon! Tell me how many there are!" Screams the Commander.
"There's two of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1s2a/a_russian_platoon_is_hiking_through_the_wood/
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Why couldn't the hippie reach his tie dyed T-shirt?

Because it was Far Out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1rkc/why_couldnt_the_hippie_reach_his_tie_dyed_tshirt/
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Stupid people are like glow sticks.

I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1qir/stupid_people_are_like_glow_sticks/
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What do you call a traveling Pope?

A Roamin' Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1k3b/what_do_you_call_a_traveling_pope/
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Two guys are out hunting in the woods

when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead." There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1jlr/two_guys_are_out_hunting_in_the_woods/
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What's an epileptic's favorite side dish?

Seizure salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1j35/whats_an_epileptics_favorite_side_dish/
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How do you eat a computer?

Byte by byte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1h9e/how_do_you_eat_a_computer/
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"Knock Knock"

>"Who's there?"
>"Brittany Spears"
>"Brittany Spears who?"
>"Knock Knock"
>"Who's there?"
>"Oops! I did it again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1gpu/knock_knock/
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So my cousin screwed up bigtime

My cousin has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Joseph Church, in Warwick, RI at 3 p.m. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1g6z/so_my_cousin_screwed_up_bigtime/
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What do you get when you finger a gypsy on her period?

Your palm red for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1fx0/what_do_you_get_when_you_finger_a_gypsy_on_her/
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A woman and her son are in a cab

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1fbk/a_woman_and_her_son_are_in_a_cab/
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How do you make an elephant float?

Take a cup and add root beer, two scoops of ice cream, and an elephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q1e12/how_do_you_make_an_elephant_float/
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Why should you use a 1 iron during a thunder storm

Even god couldn't hit a one iron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q157v/why_should_you_use_a_1_iron_during_a_thunder_storm/
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I can't find my Liszt of composer puns

If any of you can get a Holst of it, could you Handel it to me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q13c5/i_cant_find_my_liszt_of_composer_puns/
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Why couldn't the astronaut book a room on the moon?

Because it was full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q0y8w/why_couldnt_the_astronaut_book_a_room_on_the_moon/
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A man walks into a bar with a tiny piano and a foot tall man playing it.

He sits down and the bartender asks "What's the deal with that?"
The man claims to have found a genie that can grant amazing wishes and that's were he got the little man and the tiny piano. He pulls out a rusty old lamp and hands it to the bartender.
"Give it a try" the man says to the bartender.
The bartender rubs the lamp and runs outside. To his amazement, the resteraunt across the street has been torn down and filled with tailgaters. "What the hell," cries the bartender, "I asked for a yacht full of girls, not a lot full of grills!"
The man replies "The genie must be hard of hearing, do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q0x1h/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_tiny_piano_and_a/
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Why you shouldn't have sexual intercourse with a citrus fruit....

You may contract lemonaids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q0v1v/why_you_shouldnt_have_sexual_intercourse_with_a/
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What do you call two lesbians in a cupboard?

A liquor cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q0v06/what_do_you_call_two_lesbians_in_a_cupboard/
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Where do Doggos go when they lose their tail?

THE RETAIL STORE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q0s8w/where_do_doggos_go_when_they_lose_their_tail/
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I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q0nza/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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What is it called when you crack an egg and two yolks come out?

An anomalette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q0nsf/what_is_it_called_when_you_crack_an_egg_and_two/
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The chicken in the library

There is this librarian working his early morning shift one day. He's minding his own business at the front desk when suddenly a chicken walks through the front door
Puzzled the librarian waits and the chicken walks to the front desk
"Ba book" says the chicken.
"You want a book? Here have a book"
The librarian hands the chicken a book and the chicken walks off
Two hours later the same chicken returns empty handed and walks right to the front desk again.
"Ba book"
"Another book? Sure here"
Librarian hands the chicken another book and he sets off through the front door.
And yet again as the librarian expected,the same damn chicken returns and demands
"Ba book"
"Alright fine here take it"
The chicken then sets off yet again.
The librarian is determined to figure out what is the deal with this chicken. He crabs his coat and quickly leaves to stalk the chicken
For one whole hour the librarian follows the chicken through the city, the woods, and through a swamp.
Eventually the chicken walks up to a small pond in the middle of the swamp, while the librarian hides behind a tree watching very closely
Suddenly a frog swims out of the pond and walks up to the chicken.
The chicken says "Ba book" and puts down the book
The frog then replies "Reddit Reddit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q0lee/the_chicken_in_the_library/
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My dad got fired for having sex with one of his patients the other day.

Which is a shame because he was a really good vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q0km0/my_dad_got_fired_for_having_sex_with_one_of_his/
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Watson and Holmes are returning from the lock-and-key shop where they've ordered an extra apartment key because Watson lost his.

As they arrive, Watson bounds up the steps to 221B Baker Street and barges into their apartment as Sherlock Holmes follows him.
"I'll show you my deductions today Holmes!", he says. "I can deduce too!"
Sherlock Holmes shows him the only key to the apartment and says, "What can you deduce from this key?"
Watson examines it.
He says:
"The key has a speck of dirt on it which indicates that you have dropped it once today."
"The key looks like it's made of an alloy of copper and iron."
"The key's edges show wear and tear which means it has been used often."
"There is a chocolate stain on the key which means you have eaten chocolate today."
"Amn't I awesome Holmes! What can you deduce?"
Sherlock Holmes shakes his head as he says:
"As usual, you have missed everything that is of importance.
I have not inserted the only key to this apartment and yet you were able to barge right into our apartment. Our flat has been broken into!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q0iqo/watson_and_holmes_are_returning_from_the/
%
A fifteen year old Amish boy and.....

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your Mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q0fe4/a_fifteen_year_old_amish_boy_and/
%
Why did the vegetarian hate giving blow jobs?

She was a lesbian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q0cu1/why_did_the_vegetarian_hate_giving_blow_jobs/
%
A Catholic girl walks into a confessional and says "Father, I think I may be pregnant."

He replies "How did this happen, my child?"
She says "It must be the second coming."
The Priest is shocked by this statement and asks "What makes you think this?"
She replies "Because I swallowed the first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q09fc/a_catholic_girl_walks_into_a_confessional_and/
%
Four blonds walk into a bar...

...cheering "85 Days! 85 Days!"
A gentleman inquires "Excuse me, but what's '85 days?'"
The blonds reply "We completed a puzzle in 85 days and the box says 2-4 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q08fz/four_blonds_walk_into_a_bar/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

Hit an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q07qw/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
The cost of living has now gotten so bad...

...that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q065a/the_cost_of_living_has_now_gotten_so_bad/
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If you ever feel like you can't do something, just remember...

Suicide Squad is an Oscar nominated film.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q054i/if_you_ever_feel_like_you_cant_do_something_just/
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
Sure, they said, you’re welcome.
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
I’m a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!” was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
“Sure, what do you want?”
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save ya a grand here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5q00j7/two_old_friends_were_just_about_to_tee_off_at_the/
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What is the difference between a 14 year old boy in the U.S. and one in Mexico?

A 14 year old boy in the U.S. is a freshman and one in Mexico is a señor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzuup/what_is_the_difference_between_a_14_year_old_boy/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic's Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzu8q/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
Trump can't release his taxes

Putin hasn't sent his W2s yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzto0/trump_cant_release_his_taxes/
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzqz9/h2o_is_water_and_h2o2_is_hydrogen_peroxide_what/
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Blind Cowboys and Blond Bikers (Long)

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3) I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzp23/blind_cowboys_and_blond_bikers_long/
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When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee

That's a moray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzo73/when_youre_down_by_the_sea_and_an_eel_bites_your/
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What's it called when a transgender person hooks up with an Asian?

A Trans Pacific Partnership

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pznsj/whats_it_called_when_a_transgender_person_hooks/
%
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Dubai don't broadcast the Flintstones but AbuDhabidooooooooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzmfo/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
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Have you ever seen a blind person reading braille in public?

Neither have they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzii9/have_you_ever_seen_a_blind_person_reading_braille/
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Hindsight is 20/20.

Or 8:20 PM, for the civilians out there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzi5p/hindsight_is_2020/
%
A man enters his house

and is absolutely delighted when he discovers that someone has stolen all the lamps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzg59/a_man_enters_his_house/
%
I didn't fail my calculus test....

I just gave "alternative" answers on a few problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzezo/i_didnt_fail_my_calculus_test/
%
Working in porn for the free sex is like working at Chipotle for the free burritos

Yeah, you're getting paid, but it destroys your asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzdxr/working_in_porn_for_the_free_sex_is_like_working/
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What's the worst part about dating a French horn player?

Whenever you kiss, they shove their fist up your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzduy/whats_the_worst_part_about_dating_a_french_horn/
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I heard Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzbkg/i_heard_jehovahs_witnesses_dont_celebrate/
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What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pzbih/what_do_you_call_a_snake_thats_exactly_314_meters/
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Told my girlfriend that there was a party in my pants and that she was invited.

She asked if it was a search party :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pza7a/told_my_girlfriend_that_there_was_a_party_in_my/
%
The first rule of Alzheimers club,

Is don't talk about chess club

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pz4e6/the_first_rule_of_alzheimers_club/
%
My penis is only 4 inches...

...but I find most girls don't like it that wide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pz11a/my_penis_is_only_4_inches/
%
Did you hear they made an Emo-Hipster pizza?

It cuts itself, and you're supposed to eat it before its cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pyydg/did_you_hear_they_made_an_emohipster_pizza/
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Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesnt want to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pywg1/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
An Irishman walks into a pub in Dublin.

He orders 3 pints of beer.  He slowly drinks them one by one. The next day he comes in & does the same thing.  After several days, the bartender says, "You know, if you order them one at a time, they won't go flat and they'll stay cold." The guy says, "You see, I have 2 brothers, and we were very close. We've had to go our separate ways over the years and now live in different parts of the world. We promised each other every time we had a pint, we'd have one for each of the others."  So the guy does the same thing for many days in a row. One day he comes in & only orders 2 pints. The bartender says, "Oh no, I'm so sorry.  Something happened to one of your brothers, hasn't it? Which one was it? I feel so horrible for you and your family."  etc., etc.  The guy says, "No, it's nothing like that.  It just that I gave up drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pyts9/an_irishman_walks_into_a_pub_in_dublin/
%
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pyqup/i_took_the_shell_off_my_racing_snail_thinking_it/
%
When they buried the man who invented Tetris

...the whole cemetery disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pyonn/when_they_buried_the_man_who_invented_tetris/
%
I made a company that disguises land mines as prayer mats...

Prophets are through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pyles/i_made_a_company_that_disguises_land_mines_as/
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What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pyh84/what_kind_of_shoes_do_ninjas_wear/
%
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went...

...then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pydu6/i_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_where_the_sun_went/
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What do you call a bomb in a French bathroom?

Linoleum Blownapart!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pyas5/what_do_you_call_a_bomb_in_a_french_bathroom/
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How do you use a philosophy degree in a professional context?

*Why* would you like fries with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5py7au/how_do_you_use_a_philosophy_degree_in_a/
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Want to hear a joke about potassium?

K.
I was gonna tell a joke about sodium but then I was like, Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5py70q/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_potassium/
%
Where does the General keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5py3nd/where_does_the_general_keep_his_armies/
%
A sandwich is better than sex.

Because nothing is better than sex and a sandwich is better than nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5py0gh/a_sandwich_is_better_than_sex/
%
A priest is walking down the street when he's approached by a hooker....

A priest is walking down the street when he's approached by a hooker.  "Twenty bucks for a blow-job, Father," she says.
Startled, the priest hurries back to the church and summons the Mother Superior into his office.
"Mother Superior, what's a blow-job?" he asks her.
She replies, "Twenty bucks, same as in town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5py06q/a_priest_is_walking_down_the_street_when_hes/
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Being drunk is a very unpleasant experience...

Just ask a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5py05w/being_drunk_is_a_very_unpleasant_experience/
%
Jeb Bush Unanimously Confirmed by Senate

for Secretary of Low Energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pxykp/jeb_bush_unanimously_confirmed_by_senate/
%
Someone once told me I'm a sociopath.

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pxvz6/someone_once_told_me_im_a_sociopath/
%
Hitler asks a jewish kid...

Hitler wants to hear the dreams of jewish kids. So, he visits Auschwitz and finds one kid sitting in a corner, freezing to death.
"Hallo kinder, what is your dream?"
"Herr Hitler, when I grow-"
"IF..IF you grow up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pxvt8/hitler_asks_a_jewish_kid/
%
I don't trust trees...

They're a little shady...
And they killed my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pxua2/i_dont_trust_trees/
%
FBI interview

The FBI was hiring and after many applicants, narrowed their choices down to 3 men. Each told to appear for a face to face interview and for them to bring their girlfriend/fiancé/wife.
The first man is a 25 year old, just married, still fresh from college. Him and his wife are sitting close and talking about the plans they have for a wonderful life. The door opens, the agent tells the 25 year old to come back. Just as his wife gets up, the agent tells her that she has to wait outside until her part of the interview.
The 25 YO sits down across from two agents. Both discuss how he is the perfect age, fitness level, and has a sharp mind for their type of work. But they say they need him to do one thing before they can offer the job. The 25 YO says, tell me what it is and I will do it.
One of the agents pulls out a gun and puts it on the table and says: you have to prove your loyalty by going out there and shooting your wife.
The 25 YO looks disgusted. Says he understands but he refuses and that he loves his wife too much. The agents say, thank you that will be all, and the 25 YO leaves.
About an hour later a 35 YO man comes with his wife. They are discussing what to do about their bills, what's for dinner, what to do about their kids when they have to go to college.
The door opens up and the agent asks the 35 YO to come back into the room. The 35 YO tell his wife to sit tight he will be back.
He sits down across from the two agents. They begin to tell him that they usually rule out men his age for their work. However he scored off the charts in almost every test administered. They went on to say he even did better than most men in their 20's.
But then comes the same question. Agent pulls his gun out, asks the 35 YO to go out there and shoot his wife. The 35 YO looks at the gun and his face leads you to think that he is actually considering it. However after what seemed to be a tense moment the man says he cannot. While him and his wife fight from time to time, they are best friends and he cannot leave his children with only one parent.
The agents dismiss him and wish him luck.
An hour later a 45 YO comes in with his wife. They are flat out arguing with each other. Even insulting each other out loud with raised voices. The door opens and the agent tells the 45 YO to come in back. The man then snaps at his wife to keep her ass in that seat. To which she flips him off.
The 45 YO sits down across from the two agents. They begin to say how much they admire this man. 45 YO and in better shape than most 18 YOs who have applied. Smart, fit, agile, and no nonsense when it comes to getting tasks done. They say the job is his if he does one thing.
The 45 YO man says just tell me what it is and it will be done without hesitation.
The one agent pulls his gun out and says that the 45 YO has to go out there and shoot his wife.
Without losing a second the 45 YO grabs the gun, throws the door open and then all you hear are gun shots, then the sound of an empty clip, then some struggling, and finally silence.
The door fly's back open and it's the 45 YO man standing there. He is all sweaty, clothes messed up, scratches on his face, busted lip, nose, and his eye looks to be swelling up.
Both agents just look at each other in a sort of amazed shock.
The one agent says: just what the hell happened out there.
The 45 YO man says: some asshole put blanks in the gun, she came at me and I had to use one of the chairs to beat her to death. So I got the job right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pxs0k/fbi_interview/
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A mother asks her son

What is school like?
It's terrible, we have to do all the work, but the teachers get paid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pxqix/a_mother_asks_her_son/
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What do you call a vampire who owns a restaurant?

Count Spatula

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pxlv7/what_do_you_call_a_vampire_who_owns_a_restaurant/
%
How did Hitler check the price of his clothes?

He looked at the Reichstag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pxk7j/how_did_hitler_check_the_price_of_his_clothes/
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What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

About one U.S Leader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pxj2z/what_is_the_volume_of_monica_lewinskys_mouth/
%
Where do animals go when their tails falls off?

The retail store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pxg2a/where_do_animals_go_when_their_tails_falls_off/
%
My son was kicked out of school when a girl came in and wanked him off...

I said, "Son, that's 3 schools already...
Maybe teaching isn't for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pxe30/my_son_was_kicked_out_of_school_when_a_girl_came/
%
What's shorter than Mt. Everest?

Mt. Everer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pxd1q/whats_shorter_than_mt_everest/
%
What's brown and sticky?

a stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pxctt/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"

The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.
Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5px6pn/a_guy_was_nailing_his_interview_and_the_employer/
%
A dog runs for senator...

He has no previous experience in pawlitics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5px38z/a_dog_runs_for_senator/
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Old but gold!

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he  wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels,  and a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me,  and what a blessing that would be! 'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. 'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. 'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
the old preacher whispered in horror, 'He’s going to be the next president!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pwzkh/old_but_gold/
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I have a cross eyed friend who just got diagnosed with depression.

Makes sense because he never looks forward to anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pwyt6/i_have_a_cross_eyed_friend_who_just_got_diagnosed/
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A priest, his best friend, and a nun go fishing.

They're out in the friend's boat and the priest gets a big fish on the line but it gets away. "Sunofabitch got away!" says the priest. The nun was shocked and said, "Oh Father!" The friend, thinking quickly, says, "Oh, no Sister, he wasn't swearing. That's what kind of fish these are, sunofabitchin' fish." The nun accepts this answer and they continue to fish. They catch their limit, take the fish home and clean them and put them in the freezer for a special occasion. Several months go by and a new priest, straight out of the seminary, comes to the parish to begin his duties. The old priest decides that this is a special occasion and they fry the fish for the first dinner with the new priest. They invite some of the older parishioners to the dinner, and everyone is on their best behavior. The nun, wanting to appear knowledgeable, says "Pass the sonofabitchin' fish." Everyone looks shocked, but then the new priest says, "Hey! You fuckers are alright!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pww6m/a_priest_his_best_friend_and_a_nun_go_fishing/
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What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pwvy3/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_walken/
%
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.

In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:
"Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pwuo3/jesus_was_worried_about_the_drug_epidemic/
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What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pwtji/what_do_you_call_an_emo_a_capella_group/
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I know why Hogwarts doesn't have math class. They have a magical device for it.

It's called a calculator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pwrll/i_know_why_hogwarts_doesnt_have_math_class_they/
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Have you ever taken a road trip to the Seagate factory?

It's a hard drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pwpdy/have_you_ever_taken_a_road_trip_to_the_seagate/
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Pig with a wooden leg...

Little Johnny lived in DC when he was young, and his dad used to take him on weekend trips south into the Carolinas, so that he could see what ``real life'' was like. He'd just drive along the road for a while, then pull over at some farm and start talking to the people there.
His dad was chatting up a farmer's wife once, when he discovered this pig...
It was a nice pig, as pigs go. But it only had three legs. The right back leg was wooden! Well, he was as curious as could be, so he asked the farmer:
"Excuse me, sir. Why does your pig have a wooden leg?"
"Well, boy. That there is a courageous pig. The wife and me were asleep in the house one night, when that pig came running in and woke us up. The whole place was ablaze. We just got out alive."
"And the pig got its leg burned up in the fire?"
"Nope. Pig got out just fine. Matter of fact, he even went back in and saved the kids."
"Then why does the pig have a wooden leg?"
"I told you, boy. That is a BRAVE pig! A heroic pig! That pig saved our lives!"
"Yes, sir. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
"Boy, a pig like that, you don't eat all in one sitting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pwisy/pig_with_a_wooden_leg/
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All the Angels in Heaven approach God

They ask why it's only the women who get the labour pains? That they're tired of having to love their men, care for them, bear their children, and have to suffer alone in the process. They demand for the men to feel the pain.
God tries to argue with them. Says there's a reason why it was designed that way, and things like that shouldn't be tampered with. The Angels are adamant. They've made up their mind, and once a woman makes up her mind, not even God can argue or reason with her. So it comes to pass. The men shall feel the pains of labour.
All eyes suddenly turn to earth, where the next immediate delivery is in progress. The soon-to-be mother has a calm expression on her famous, patiently awaiting the arrival. The doctors look puzzled by this. The father too, is standing there, proud expression on his face.
The Angels are puzzled, until they find the milkman screaming in horror while making his routine deliveries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pwfgv/all_the_angels_in_heaven_approach_god/
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What's better than winning Gold at the Paralympics?

Having both your legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pwdqn/whats_better_than_winning_gold_at_the_paralympics/
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A man bought a Lie detector robot that.......

A man bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: …
DAD : Son where were you today during school hours?
SON : At school
(robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind)
Okay I went to the movies!
DAD : Which one?
SON : Harry Potter
(robot slaps Son again!)
Okay I was watching porno.
DAD : What? When I was your age I didn’t even know porno!
(robot slaps dad)
MUM : hahahahaha! After all he is your Son!
(robot gives Mum a hot dirty slap)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pwbn2/a_man_bought_a_lie_detector_robot_that/
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A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks what is the occasion.
The man replies 'his first blowjob'
The bartender congrats him and offers to buy him another shot
The man says that is unnecessary, if ten shots doesn't get the taste out of his mouth, one more won't make a difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pwabz/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_ten_shots_of/
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So this Limbo Champion walks into a bar...

and was immediately disqualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pw97y/so_this_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
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Magic Penis

Dave was preparing to go on a long business trip to The Vatican, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, Dave,  I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'
Dave said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
Dave laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
Dave bought it and took it home to his wife.
After Dave had been gone a few days, his wife remembered the Magic Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck as her husband Dave had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pw931/magic_penis/
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How many feet are in a yard?

Depends on how many people are standing in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pw6d4/how_many_feet_are_in_a_yard/
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How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. In Russia, light bulb changes you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pw49m/how_many_russians_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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I dropped my laptop in the middle of the ocean

A dell must be rolling in the deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pw3gw/i_dropped_my_laptop_in_the_middle_of_the_ocean/
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A Pretty woman sneezes.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvy7p/a_pretty_woman_sneezes/
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My father told me that he is going to smash my head into the keyboard if I log into reddit again.

He just went out and I just can't stand not knowing what is on the front page. I will just log in and then log oudhbebsuus ehdbdhdhhdjr ejjeuududjbd eksomsnqbssicuu dbsujdbdjsjsjdf jsisjskjdhduxbskksi iejdjdnn jdjdjxjjss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvwad/my_father_told_me_that_he_is_going_to_smash_my/
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Why do we cry.....

When it's the onions that are being hurt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvv6h/why_do_we_cry/
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An old man has been waiting in line to get into heaven for so long, that when the time came for his name to be looked up in the big book, he couldn't remember it

St. Peter was a bit frazzled and could not figure out what to do. So he calls Jesus over to help him out.
Jesus begins to ask the man some questions in order to jog his memory in hopes to find his name.
Jesus: "did you have any children?"
Man: "just one...a wonderful boy."
Jesus: "hmm, alright let's press on. What was your occupation, if any?"
Man: "well, I was some sort of carpenter or woodworker of sorts."
Jesus: "oh that's odd."
(Jesus begins to ponder the information hopefully before proceeding)
Jesus: "anything else we should know about you?"
Man: "well you may not believe this but, my son was actually born through a miracle."
Jesus's eyes begin to fill up with tears
Jesus: "father?!"
Man: "Pinocchio?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvuni/an_old_man_has_been_waiting_in_line_to_get_into/
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Fight Club

I went to my first fight club meeting last night, I showed up late so I missed the first few rules but it was awesome I love fight club cant wait for the next meeting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvtpq/fight_club/
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I saw a sign that said "watch for children".

and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvtat/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_watch_for_children/
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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvszl/bill_has_worked_in_a_pickle_factory_for_several/
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What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvsc5/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mosquito_with_a/
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Why do anarchists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvrtk/why_do_anarchists_only_drink_herbal_tea/
%
Did you know you can tell what kind of area you're driving in by the bumps in the road?

A few big bumps means you should probably slow down.
Lots of little bumps means you're in a school zone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvodz/did_you_know_you_can_tell_what_kind_of_area_youre/
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President Obama and the old man

😃
One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
...
The Marine looks at the man and says,
“Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man says,
“Okay,” and walks away.
The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine again tells the man,
“Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The man thanks him and again walks away.
On the third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says,
“Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looks at the Marine and says,
“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
“See you tomorrow, Sir!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvkwy/president_obama_and_the_old_man/
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Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around...

He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said. “I’m sorry if I’ve been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” the young man replied. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Well, as I’m leaving, could you just say ‘Goodbye, mother!?’ It would make me feel so much better.”
She gave him a sweet smile.
“Of course I can,” the young man promised.
As she gathered her bags and left, he called out “Goodbye, mother!” just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile.
Stepping up to the counter, he saw that his total was about $100 higher than it should be.
“That amount is wrong,” he said. “I only have a few items!”
The clerk explained, “Oh, your mother said that you would pay for her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvjuo/walking_through_a_supermarket_a_young_man_noticed/
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What do you call a cellphone company that uses nuclear power?

Cher-Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvi0v/what_do_you_call_a_cellphone_company_that_uses/
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Being cremated.....

..... is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvhnt/being_cremated/
%
What keyboard shortcut is extensively used by journalists who work for Breitbart News?

alt right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvh6p/what_keyboard_shortcut_is_extensively_used_by/
%
I hate it when you're on the bus and the local weirdo get on and sits next to you.

You know, the ones that watch you having a wank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pvgl5/i_hate_it_when_youre_on_the_bus_and_the_local/
%
I threw a surprise bukkake party for my roommate yesterday

Everybody came.
You should've seen her face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pv9rd/i_threw_a_surprise_bukkake_party_for_my_roommate/
%
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pv9gd/what_do_you_call_a_priest_that_becomes_a_lawyer/
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Why are chefs the meanest?

Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pv5sv/why_are_chefs_the_meanest/
%
If you're ever cold, just stand in a corner.

They're usually 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5puwzj/if_youre_ever_cold_just_stand_in_a_corner/
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A few months ago I got a haircut I didn't like...

...but since then, it's grown on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5puu7k/a_few_months_ago_i_got_a_haircut_i_didnt_like/
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I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character

And not the President of the United States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5putdu/i_miss_the_days_when_the_annoying_orange_was_just/
%
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5puqao/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
Four guys are sitting at a bar, talking about their sons

The first guy says, "Man. I am so proud of my son. He's a multi-millionaire. He has his own mansion, a yacht. Hell, he gave one of his buddies a Ferrari for his birthday!"
The second man, in try manly nature, goes for one better. "Yeah, well my son is so well off! He's a multi-billionaire! He's the CEO of a major oil drilling company, he has a 4 story mansion with a 20 car garage. He gave one of his buddies a damn jet!"
The third man looks at him and says, "Well, my son is waay richer AND waaaay nicer than your guys' kids!! He's a multi-trillionaire, he own three or four lake houses, and a yacht bigger than an entire apartment complex. He even have his best bud a mother fuckin island!!!"
At this point in time, they had all taken a few shots, and were pretty well intoxicated. And it gets to the fourth man.
The third guy says, "How's your kid doing, Jim?"
Jim says, "He's doing alright."
The first guy yells across the bar, "Isn't your kid some sort of fairy dancer or something?"
Jim looks at him and says,
"Yes. My son is a gay stripper. But for his birthday this year, he got a Ferrari, a jet, and an island from his top clients."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5puq93/four_guys_are_sitting_at_a_bar_talking_about/
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My pregnant wife said her doctor told her no more sex until the baby is born

I asked, "What did your dentist say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5puowh/my_pregnant_wife_said_her_doctor_told_her_no_more/
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I'm dyslexic, atheist & insomniac

I stayed up all night wondering if there really is a doG

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5puoe1/im_dyslexic_atheist_insomniac/
%
Did you hear about the Native American who tried to break the world's record for drinking tea?

They found him dead in his Tee Pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5puo63/did_you_hear_about_the_native_american_who_tried/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because he's a fucking creep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5puo5o/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
Nervous systems are so reckless

They do everything on *impulse*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5puo01/nervous_systems_are_so_reckless/
%
Why are gluten-free children so healthy?

Because they're not inbred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pumkl/why_are_glutenfree_children_so_healthy/
%
How do billboards communicate?

Sign language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pukrp/how_do_billboards_communicate/
%
A kid receives an assignment from his teacher..

.. To write down 3 commonly used phrases, from around his house.
So the kid goes home and tries to ask his dad, who replies 'fuck off, i'm busy working!'.
So the kid writes that down.
Next, he goes to his younger brother, who is watching batman for the 20th time that day and singing 'nananananananana-Batman!'
So the kid writes that down too.
last but not least he goes to his youngest brother, who is in the kitchen with mom, chanting ' no no! a lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop!!'
So this kid writes it down.
On monday, the teacher call on him for his phrases. so the kids says ' fuck off, i'm busy working!'
The teacher exclaims 'you little brat!!, who do you think you are?!'
The kid says 'nananananananana-Batman!'
Furious, the teacher yells 'do you think you are even getting a grade after this?!
The kids says  ' no no! a lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop!!'
(shitty cellphone formatting, sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5puhmf/a_kid_receives_an_assignment_from_his_teacher/
%
Steve, Harold, and Richard approach a magic slide...

The keeper of the slide tells them that whatever thing they yell while sliding down the magic slide, they will land in a pile of that thing.
Harold slides first, and yells, "money!" and lands in a pile of 100 dollar bills.
Richard slides second, and yells, "beautiful women!" and lands atop a dogpile of beautiful naked models.
Steve is still a bit confused about what's happened to his friends. Wondering where his friends are, he slides down the slide and yells, "Harry! Dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pugkn/steve_harold_and_richard_approach_a_magic_slide/
%
Hung Chow calls in to work and.....

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today,
I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like
this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better
and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon. You got nice house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pugab/hung_chow_calls_in_to_work_and/
%
As my two-and-a-half-year old granddaughter and I are about to go out the door, I look down.

As I looked down, our 'big girl' had her shoes on backwards.  So I said, "Good job putting your shoes on by yourself, Love, but you have them on the wrong feet."
She looks down.
She looks back up at me and says with big innocent eyes, "But Grammy, I don't have any other feet?!"  ♡♡

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pucqg/as_my_twoandahalfyear_old_granddaughter_and_i_are/
%
A man at a funeral Interrupts the priest and says, "Excuse me, do you have the WiFi password?"

The priest stares at him and says, "Good God man, have some decency. This is your mother's funeral!"
The man replies, "Is that all lower case?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5puaaj/a_man_at_a_funeral_interrupts_the_priest_and_says/
%
Procrastination is a really deep word.

I'll tell you guys the rest some other day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pu50v/procrastination_is_a_really_deep_word/
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What would someone in the 13 hundreds say if you told them we fly in giant metal birds all around the world?

You mean across?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pu50s/what_would_someone_in_the_13_hundreds_say_if_you/
%
Two cows are grazing in a field.

One cow says "Hey, did you hear about the Mad Cow Disease? It's spreading pretty fast."
The other cow says "Yeah. Good thing I'm a helicopter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pu3yk/two_cows_are_grazing_in_a_field/
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Welcome to the school of hard knocks...

You'd better hope your front door can take it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pu1y9/welcome_to_the_school_of_hard_knocks/
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A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It's a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pu1df/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo_the_only_animal_in_the/
%
An Irishman walks into a job interview.

A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy."
And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9" says the man.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the guy, so he says, "All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree...so now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pu13c/an_irishman_walks_into_a_job_interview/
%
Hillary Clinton is speaking at a fourth grade class

She opens the floor up for a question and answer period. A boy raises his hand.
"Yes, what's your name?"
"Hi, I'm Timmy and I have three questions. 1. How did you manage to lose 6 billion dollars as Secretary of State? 2. What actually happened at Benghazi? 3. Why did you delete 33,000 emails?"
Hillary opened her mouth to speak and the recess bell rang. The teacher sent everyone outside and said they'd resume when everyone was back.
The kids come back in and another boy raises his hand.
"Yes, what's your name?"
"Hi, I'm Mike and I have five questions. 1. How did you manage to lose 6 billion dollars as Secretary of State? 2. What actually happened at Benghazi? 3. Why did you delete 33,000 emails? 4. Why did we go to recess 20 minutes early? 5. Where the fuck is Timmy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pu0tp/hillary_clinton_is_speaking_at_a_fourth_grade/
%
"WHAT DO WE WANT?"

"Hearing aids."
"WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?"
"Hearing aids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ptyjo/what_do_we_want/
%
"A man gets pulled over by a cop..."

As soon as the cop walks up to the window he sees a bottle with wine, and the driver says: "Sir, this is just a bottle of water I bought at the gas station a few miles back."
Cop: "Well I'm quite sure that is red wine you have in there"
Driver: "Praise the Lord its a miracle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ptxxw/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
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Why do pornstars enjoy working as waitresses?

Because they always get the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ptrwy/why_do_pornstars_enjoy_working_as_waitresses/
%
I just started a non-cis dating website.

You know. For people interested in Trans-Specific Partnerships.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ptqvy/i_just_started_a_noncis_dating_website/
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Girl is asked by her teacher in class to use handsome in a sentence.

(She pauses to think)
Girl: Sometimes when I'm giving my bf a blowjob, my mouth gets tired... so then I use my *handsome*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ptpn8/girl_is_asked_by_her_teacher_in_class_to_use/
%
Why would Gabe Newell be a good president?

Because then World War 3 would never happen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ptnul/why_would_gabe_newell_be_a_good_president/
%
"Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing green spots." "Have you seen an optometrist?"

"No, just green spots."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ptlwi/doctor_doctor_i_keep_seeing_green_spots_have_you/
%
Mountains aren't just funny...

They're hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ptk6h/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
What did Yoda say to Luke when he was constipated?

Try or try not, there is no do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ptj62/what_did_yoda_say_to_luke_when_he_was_constipated/
%
All these women marching in protest is so well organized

I'd love to talk to the man in charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ptivx/all_these_women_marching_in_protest_is_so_well/
%
Women belong in the house...

...and the senate too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ptdiu/women_belong_in_the_house/
%
Excuse me, there's a large rat in your restroom.

Me: Excuse me, there's a large rat in your restroom.
Starbucks Employee: I'm sorry, what was that?
Me, leaning in: I said there's a large rat in your restroom.
Starbucks Employee: I'm sorry dear, I didn't quite get that.
People In the Store: *Look at me like I'm an idiot*
Me: *sigh* There's a *VENTI* rat in your restroom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ptchh/excuse_me_theres_a_large_rat_in_your_restroom/
%
The Commander demotes Corporal Parts

The general calls down Corporal Parts into his office. Parts asks, "What is it sir?" The general says, "We believe you have been lacking on your training so we have decided to demote you to Private until we see an increase in results." Parts looks confused as he has been working very hard lately instead of doing what he usually does; maybe he needs to stop spending so much time in the bathroom. Private Parts then nods his head and walks out of the commanders office looking very flaccid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ptalb/the_commander_demotes_corporal_parts/
%
People keep saying drugs are dangerous, I abused lots of drugs and I'm fine.

It's only the people watching me through power sockets that are annoying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pta3t/people_keep_saying_drugs_are_dangerous_i_abused/
%
Video store

I went to blockbuster today to pick out a movie I was approached by a reporter who asked if he could do a story on me, flattered I ask why not?
I read the paper the next day and see the headline "Dumbass still goes to video store." Thank god no one found out though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pt7js/video_store/
%
Do you eat to much sodium?

Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pt52f/do_you_eat_to_much_sodium/
%
Little April is Sleeping in Class

Little April is sleeping in class. The teacher calls on her and asks "Who created the universe?"
Little Jonny, who has a small pin, wakes her up by poking her in the arm
She wakes up and yells "God Almighty!" and the teacher agrees. April goes back to sleep
A little while later the teacher calls on her again
"Who is our lord and savior?"
Again Jonny wakes her up
"Jesus Christ!" The teacher nods and April goes back to sleep
Later still, the teacher calls on her again
"April, what did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?"
Jonny comes to her rescue, once again
April wakes up and says "If you stick that fucking thing in me one more time, I'm gonna snap it in half and shove it up your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pt43u/little_april_is_sleeping_in_class/
%
An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport...

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, “Do you have any felony convictions?”
The Englishman replies, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pt3w2/an_englishman_walks_up_to_the_immigration_counter/
%
Selling: Antique French Rifle

Never fired, only dropped once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pt3o1/selling_antique_french_rifle/
%
I only date Patriots fans

Because they don't care if I cheat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pt35q/i_only_date_patriots_fans/
%
The world can be separated into two types of people. Those who listen to all genres of music except country...

...and fucking rednecks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pt1xt/the_world_can_be_separated_into_two_types_of/
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What do you call having sex in a canoe?

Bud Light, because it's fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pt1i7/what_do_you_call_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
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What do you call a root beer in a square glass?

Beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pt0hn/what_do_you_call_a_root_beer_in_a_square_glass/
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pt00b/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
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Country boy gets lucky

A young man from the country heads to the city to seek new employment.  While he is successful, he is lonely and decides to go to a bar to seek out some female companionship.  While not terribly skilled at conversation, he manages to gain the interest of an attractive young lady seated at the bar.  Things progress well and the country boy gets lucky.  The young lady asks "Would you like to come back to my place"? "I sure would!" exclaims the country boy.  The you lady adds, however "Just so you know, I'm on my menstrual cycle".  "Thats OK! I'll follow you in my pickup truck"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pszje/country_boy_gets_lucky/
%
An engineer encounters a frog...

A Civil engineer, while doing field work, comes across a frog, who suddenly begins to speak to him.
"Sir" she says, "I know this must seem very strange, but I'm actually a woman, cursed to inhabit this frog form.  But if you would help me, you could turn me back into a woman with a simple kiss."
The engineer smiles, picks up the frog, and sticks her inside a box, closing the lid.
The frog is startled into silence, but after some time kicks and shouts to get the engineer's attention.
"Sir", she cries, after the box is opened, "I promise that I am a beautiful and wealthy woman, and if you would just turn me back to my human form I will spend the whole day with you, and treat you to whatever you want!"
The engineer smiles broadly, but closes the lid again.
The frog, exasperated, eventually tries again, shaking the box and shouting until it is opened.
"Sir", she cries, "I beg you!  I'll do anything.  If you just turn me back into a beautiful woman I will stay with you.  I will be your companion and wait on your every desire, for as long as you want! Please just kiss me!"
The engineer smiles again and moves to close the lid, but the frog vigorously kicks it back open.
"Please", she begs, "Won't you just tell me why?  I'd give you anything!"
The engineer pauses, then finally replies.
"Look", he says, "I'm an engineer.  I don't have time for a girlfriend.  But a talking frog?  That's pretty dang cool."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psz2j/an_engineer_encounters_a_frog/
%
Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psxt9/told_my_wife_i_was_so_stressed_that_only_a/
%
I think my wife was sleeping with my boss so I changed jobs to prevent that from happening...

One of the perks of being self-employed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psxi4/i_think_my_wife_was_sleeping_with_my_boss_so_i/
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My doctor asked me what I use to prevent Sexually Transmitted Diseases. . .

I said: my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psvgc/my_doctor_asked_me_what_i_use_to_prevent_sexually/
%
11 Blondes and a brunette

There are 12 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 11 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psv1b/11_blondes_and_a_brunette/
%
What's the difference between a bug and an insect?

Judging by Table 5's reactions, not a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pssm0/whats_the_difference_between_a_bug_and_an_insect/
%
I phoned a local restaurant.

I said, "Hello, can I make a booking for tonight?"
They said, "I'm sorry, we haven't got any tables."
"That's ridiculous," I said. "How do you serve the food?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pssac/i_phoned_a_local_restaurant/
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[NSFW] [Long] There were three Labrador retrievers sitting at the vets

office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, “So why are you here?” He replies, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything – the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”
The black lab says, “So what is the vet going to do?” “Gonna neuter me”, came the reply from the chocolate lab. “All the vets are doing it. It works for everything.”
He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, “Why are you here?” The yellow lab says, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch.”
“So what are they going to do to you?” the black lab inquired. “Looks like neutering for me too”, the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he’s at the vet’s office for.
“I’m a humper”,the black lab says. “I’ll hump anything. A cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.”
The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, “So, your getting neutered too, huh?” The black lab says, “No, I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psr9h/nsfw_long_there_were_three_labrador_retrievers/
%
I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that his teacher is "an idiot" and she's "out to get him."

Which is just the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psq5x/i_was_tucking_my_son_in_last_night_and_he_tells/
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A man dies and goes to heaven.

A man dies and gets to the gates of heaven. Peter stops him and says "Heavens a bit full, to get in you have to tell me an interesting story."
The man pauses and then says "Well I get home to my wife cheating on me with another guy, he jumped up and punched me to the ground. I got up and saw him climbing down the balcony so I go up to him and start beating his hands till he falls and lands in a bush, he's still moving so I push the fridge off the ledge and it landed on him then my wife shot me."
Another man reaches the gates of heaven and Peter stops him and says " Heavens a bit full, to get in you have to tell me a story."
"Well I was doing my pull-ups on the balcony and I slipped and fell a story but caught myself, then a man comes up and starts beating on my hands, I fell in a bush and lived till he pushed a fridge onto me!
A third man reaches the gates of heaven and Peter stops him saying, "Heavens a bit full, you have to tell me a story to get in."
"Well I was buck naked inside a fridge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pspkr/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
If you're kissing on your honey and your nose is sort of runny,

you make think it's funny, but it snot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psozh/if_youre_kissing_on_your_honey_and_your_nose_is/
%
Donald Trump is about to watch an episode of his current favorite TV show...

Orange is the New Black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psoep/donald_trump_is_about_to_watch_an_episode_of_his/
%
What's the difference between a good joke

And a bad joke the timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psnfo/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke/
%
I was at the gym the other day....

I was at the gym the other day and I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in !.
Anyways he made a formal complaint and now I'm banned for life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psnb6/i_was_at_the_gym_the_other_day/
%
A German, Dutchman and Englishman have an argument over who's the manliest of all of them.

The Dutchman comes up with a contest. They have to complete 3 tasks, the person completing these tasks in the shortest amount of time, is the manliest of the trio. The 3 tasks are as follows:
-Climb up a coconut tree, grab a coconut, crack it, empty the coconut of it's milk.
-Kill a lion without weapons or armor.
- Have sex with a prostitute untill she passes out.
The three agree upon these terms, set a date, and take a month to train for the contest.
So the day of the contest has come, the German, Dutchman and Englishman arrive upon the prearranged spot.
The Englishman goes first, he does a great job and finishes after 1 hour, 45 minutes and 31 seconds.
The Dutchman, even faster, finishes after a whopping 1 hour, 34 minutes and 25 seconds.
Then goes the German, he climbs the coconut tree in seconds cracks a coconut instantly, leaving his earlier finished opponents flabbergassed. It looks like the German is going to win the contest. After finishing the second task, however, the German has already lost sight on even the second place. Even though he has already lost, he is determined to at least finish, so, completely knackered, he walks up to the Dutchman and asks: Now where is this prostitute i have to kill?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psn6o/a_german_dutchman_and_englishman_have_an_argument/
%
What's it called when Batman leaves church early?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psk94/whats_it_called_when_batman_leaves_church_early/
%
A giant porn conspiracy has been uncovered....

It was run by the illuminaughty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psiqd/a_giant_porn_conspiracy_has_been_uncovered/
%
There's no easy way to say this.....

She sells sea shells on the sea shore, the shells that she sells are sea shells for sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5psgvn/theres_no_easy_way_to_say_this/
%
I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating

with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.
"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ps9ws/i_accidentally_walked_in_on_my_daughter/
%
How to fail an ethics exam?

You cheat on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ps90b/how_to_fail_an_ethics_exam/
%
Indian that remembers everything

Guy was driving down the highway in Arizona and he sees a sign that says "Amazing Red Cloud, the Indian who remembers everything". So the guy pulls over and there under a canopy sits an Indian on a bucket. The guy asks the Indian, "What did you have for breakfast on July 8th, 1987?" The Indian says, "Eggs". The guy gets mad and says that answer proves nothing, and he gets in his car and drives away.
10 years later the guy and his family are on vacation in Arizona when the guy passes the same sign, "Amazing Red Cloud, tthe Indian that remembers everything." So the guy pulls over and sure enough there is the same Indian, sitting on a bucket under a canopy. The guy walks up to the Indian and raises his hand and says, "How". The Indian replies, "Scrambled."
Yes it is probably a repost, but I didn't know what joke number it was..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ps7nx/indian_that_remembers_everything/
%
I exercise religiously.

I was on the treadmill earlier praying that it would stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ps7ln/i_exercise_religiously/
%
Why does the Catholic Church have so much money?

Because Jesus saves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ps7hb/why_does_the_catholic_church_have_so_much_money/
%
Atheist in the Amazon

An atheist is walking through the Amazon when he finds himself surrounded by a group of bloodthirsty natives.
"Oh God, I'm screwed," the atheist says to himself.
Suddenly the skies open up, a shaft of light shines down on the atheist, and a voice booms from above, "No, you're not. Pick up that rock at your feet and bash in the head of the chief."
The atheist picks up the rock and proceeds to bash the hell out of the chief.
The natives stare at the atheist, stupefied.
The shaft of light shines down again and the voice booms, "Okay. NOW you're screwed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ps7bo/atheist_in_the_amazon/
%
Ernie's roommate asks him if he wants to go out for ice cream. Ernie refuses and proposes an alternative, but his roommate does not understand the response:

Sherbert!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ps094/ernies_roommate_asks_him_if_he_wants_to_go_out/
%
I'm going to be releasing a book about Donald Trump's America soon, that will help sway the non-believers..

The title will be 'Everything Is Going To Be Alt-Right'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ps045/im_going_to_be_releasing_a_book_about_donald/
%
Girl Goes to Heaven

A lady dies and goes to heaven. She is standing there at the gate and she hears a girl screaming. She looks at the guy at the gate and says, "what was that?" The guy responds, "oh, they're drilling holes in her back for her wings".
She then hears a blood curdling scream. She looks at the guy again and says, "what was that!?" The guy says, "oh, they're drilling holes in her head for her halo".
The girl says "man, just send me to hell". The guy says, "you don't want to do that, they rape you down there" to which the girl replied "well, I already have the holes for that".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5przac/girl_goes_to_heaven/
%
What is the worst part of a prostate exam?

Feeling the doctor's hands on your shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5prvj1/what_is_the_worst_part_of_a_prostate_exam/
%
My Sister Asked Me to Take Off Her Clothes

So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes."
I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
and so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pruw5/my_sister_asked_me_to_take_off_her_clothes/
%
A White House aide tells Donald Trump that one hundred people will attend his next event.

"A hundred thousand people?" Trump asks, "Do we even have enough room for 1.5 million people?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5prudw/a_white_house_aide_tells_donald_trump_that_one/
%
I'm not very good at building fences

Sorry, I don't know where to put this post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pru6k/im_not_very_good_at_building_fences/
%
2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds

What a waste of thyme!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pru2d/2_weeks_building_a_greenhouse_for_my_herbs_only/
%
What is going to replace ObamaCare?

Don.T.Care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5prttl/what_is_going_to_replace_obamacare/
%
I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground

...so I threw my fries on the ground too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5prtfu/i_just_saw_a_hot_mom_at_mcdonalds_spank_her_kid/
%
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5prnkv/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
%
What do you get if you shoot a Mexican golfer?

A hole in Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5prkrf/what_do_you_get_if_you_shoot_a_mexican_golfer/
%
When I Die

I want my remains to be scattered at Disneyland.
I also don't want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5prjz1/when_i_die/
%
What happened when the communists took over the airport?

The planes kept Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5prgjx/what_happened_when_the_communists_took_over_the/
%
Trump isn't wrong when he uses "alternative facts"...

He's just alt-right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5prdm1/trump_isnt_wrong_when_he_uses_alternative_facts/
%
What's the difference between Trump and Hitler?

Hitler started out as a good guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5praoh/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_hitler/
%
What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A Megasoreass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pr6ir/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
Bigamy is having one wife too many.

Some say monogamy is the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pr4sb/bigamy_is_having_one_wife_too_many/
%
Trump wants to cut funding for birth control, renegotiate trade deals, and stop the wars in the Middle East.

It seems pulling out is his solution for everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pr0k5/trump_wants_to_cut_funding_for_birth_control/
%
Why can't you trust a person with two butts?

Because they're bi-assed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pqypu/why_cant_you_trust_a_person_with_two_butts/
%
"Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
*EDIT: formatting*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pqy8p/excuse_me_may_i_interview_you/
%
A boy goes into confession...

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl." "Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?" "Oh I can't say." "Was it Mary Jane?" "No Father." "Adalina Mozarelli?" "My lips are sealed." "How about Cindy King" "I can never say." "Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?" "No." "It has to be Tracy Cummings though!" "Father I will never tell you." "Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months." "Ok, Father" The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?" The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pqs04/a_boy_goes_into_confession/
%
Sure, I could agree with you....

Buy why should we BOTH be wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pqr8z/sure_i_could_agree_with_you/
%
I googled your mom last night.

I had to open two tabs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pqon8/i_googled_your_mom_last_night/
%
Why do Communists only write in lowercase?

Because they hate Capitalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pqkt9/why_do_communists_only_write_in_lowercase/
%
Why do you never see a church with free Wi-Fi?

Because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pqhk5/why_do_you_never_see_a_church_with_free_wifi/
%
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards...

...creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pqccr/is_it_crazy_how_saying_sentences_backwards/
%
I don't know what STD causes blurry genitals...

But Japan seems to have an epidemic of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pqbmy/i_dont_know_what_std_causes_blurry_genitals/
%
What's the difference between when you're hungry and when you're horny

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pqa2e/whats_the_difference_between_when_youre_hungry/
%
A truck driver was speeding down the highway.

A police officer is on his tail, lights flashing. It takes the driver awhile before he stops the truck. The officer gets out of his car and comes to talk to the driver.
Driver: "Afternoon officer"
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "Yessir, I was speeding"
"Oh?", exclaims the officer, a bit surprised. "And do you have a reason for speeding?"
Driver: "Yessir. My wife left me this morning."
Officer: "I'm sorry to hear that, but that doesn't count as a valid excuse for speeding sir."
Driver: "Well, sir. She left me for a police officer. And I thought you were bringing her back."
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pq9st/a_truck_driver_was_speeding_down_the_highway/
%
A woman bodybuilder goes to the doctor and says "I've taken that many steroids I've grown a penis"

Doctor says "anabolic?"
Bodybuilder replies "no just a penis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pq7yu/a_woman_bodybuilder_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says/
%
I know Mexican judo

Judo know if I have a knife.
Judo know if I have a gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pq3xv/i_know_mexican_judo/
%
The secret to long life.

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pq3kt/the_secret_to_long_life/
%
I saw two kids fighting in the elementary school playground this morning. Being the only adult around, I had to step in.

They did not stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pq3bh/i_saw_two_kids_fighting_in_the_elementary_school/
%
Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo club

Thank you all for coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pq37i/welcome_to_the_sexual_innuendo_club/
%
There's furniture items that allow SFW swearing.

That's sofa king nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pq0ll/theres_furniture_items_that_allow_sfw_swearing/
%
I slept with a supermodel last night

Alternative facts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ppze4/i_slept_with_a_supermodel_last_night/
%
How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?

They'll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pptmt/how_do_mexicans_feel_about_trumps_wall/
%
My sex life is just like star wars:

Its either Han Solo,
or i have to use the force.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ppsmh/my_sex_life_is_just_like_star_wars/
%
Four Surgeons ( a joke from the 40s)

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ppq13/four_surgeons_a_joke_from_the_40s/
%
Equality.

Why is it that a girl with big boobs can work at hooters, but a guy with one leg can't work at I-HOP?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ppokg/equality/
%
Why don't blind people go for bungee jumping?

it scares the shit out of the dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ppkxz/why_dont_blind_people_go_for_bungee_jumping/
%
What will be the campaign motto of Trump's opponent in 2020?

Make America Great Again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ppgzp/what_will_be_the_campaign_motto_of_trumps/
%
A Guy Walks Into a Bar with a Loaded Six Shooter with 1 in the Chamber

And yells "Who slept with my wife!? I'm gunna shoot that motherfuc***!"
A guy in the back yells back
"You're gunna need more ammo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ppfmf/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_loaded_six_shooter/
%
Apple is suing Qualcomm for selling them overpriced chips.

Punchline ends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ppb5v/apple_is_suing_qualcomm_for_selling_them/
%
What does a prostitute and a bungee jump have in common?

They both cost a lot,  last 5 seconds, and if the rubber splits you're fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pp4gm/what_does_a_prostitute_and_a_bungee_jump_have_in/
%
What does Kim Jong-un have in common with gingers?

No Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pp3dc/what_does_kim_jongun_have_in_common_with_gingers/
%
My teacher told me to tuck my shirt in.

I said, "Why?"
"Because it *looks* like you've just had sex," he said, zipping his trousers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pp21v/my_teacher_told_me_to_tuck_my_shirt_in/
%
It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year.

To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a train ride."
The second child says "I went on a tug-tug boat ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a boat ride."
The third child says, full of pride, "I read a book." "Which one?" asks the teacher.
"Winnie-the-Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pp100/its_the_first_day_of_school_and_the_teacher/
%
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.

The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong, why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and I  got into a fight, and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pozqg/one_night_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_sad/
%
This girl said she could see a bulge in my swim shorts and I was flattered.

I looked down at my crotch and she said, "The other side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5poz53/this_girl_said_she_could_see_a_bulge_in_my_swim/
%
Why can't a blonde count to 70.

Because 69 is a mouthful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5poytt/why_cant_a_blonde_count_to_70/
%
What's do Christians and politicians have in common?

They pick and choose what they want to believe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5poyqk/whats_do_christians_and_politicians_have_in_common/
%
All this trump merchandise made me wonder

We have make America great again hats, t shirts, and socks, but I've never seen a make America great again dress. I thought for a moment before realizing that presidential matter on dresses was bill clinton's thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pox9h/all_this_trump_merchandise_made_me_wonder/
%
So far, not a single girl I've asked is interested in a fling.

I don't think they trust my human catapult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5powx2/so_far_not_a_single_girl_ive_asked_is_interested/
%
"You never say you love me," wept my girlfriend.

I walked up to her and said, "You love me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pou0z/you_never_say_you_love_me_wept_my_girlfriend/
%
Inauguration Day crowds

One more thing that Trump has that's smaller than a black guy's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pop99/inauguration_day_crowds/
%
Apparently, people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

...But people in Abu Dhabi DOOOOOOO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pokk3/apparently_people_in_dubai_dont_like_the/
%
My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.
While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".
"You're lying" they retort.
Okay, I'll prove it  then, "Dad, did you say both of them?"
"what's the point of fucking one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pojej/my_dad_told_me_i_should_fuck_both_of_you/
%
My gassy dog might be the leader of Russia...

...because she is always Putin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5poi75/my_gassy_dog_might_be_the_leader_of_russia/
%
My son came out to me yesterday. I'm so disappointed.

I love my son, but this is tearing me up inside. I always thought I would be able to handle something like this, but this really is tough. It impacts so much of our relationship and family time. I mean, I had planned this big family dinner Sunday evening. (I smoked an awesome roast pork, I was so excited.) But I had to cancel it because of his choice. And it IS a choice. I don't know what to do at this point. Seriously, how have any of you handled your child going vegan?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pohfw/my_son_came_out_to_me_yesterday_im_so_disappointed/
%
What makes an elderly millionaire bachelor more attractive?

Terminal illness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pofxp/what_makes_an_elderly_millionaire_bachelor_more/
%
The Nintendo DS' cheaper version was the DS Lite. A cheaper Nintendo Switch would be

The Nintendo Lite-Switch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pofqf/the_nintendo_ds_cheaper_version_was_the_ds_lite_a/
%
A German engineer, an Indian engineer, and a Chinese engineer die and go to Heaven

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is there to greet them.
"As part of our skilled migration scheme, you will each have to propose a design for a planned 200 storey mixed-use development here in Heaven. The person with the most attractive proposal will be granted entry into Heaven. You have 4 days to complete your proposal."
The German engineer and the Indian engineer feverishly set about working on their drafts. The Chinese engineer, however, just dicks around, occasionally doodling on his draft paper and making funny shapes in AutoCAD whilst mooching off the free food and drink provided.
The four days are up, and the engineers are called to the boardroom. The German is first to present.
"Due to the soft and unstable nature of the clouds that make up much of the ground in Heaven, it is necessary for free cantilever grout mixed piles to be driven to a considerable depth. This, along with the overall height of the structure, would ordinarily result in a dead load that would send the building plummeting through the clouds and down into the mortal realm, but my design takes advantage of the fact that rare and difficult-to-refine materials with high tensile strengths such as graphene and titanium are readily available in their required forms. The use of these materials, though costly, will significantly reduce structural self-weight without compromising on stability and soundness. Naturally, only the most highly-trained German construction workers and materials engineers will be hired to ensure consistency and professionalism. The proposed cost of my design will $200 billion, but I assure you that the building will be standing even till the end of time."
Impressed but a little apprehensive about the proposed cost, St. Peter calls on the Indian engineer to present.
"I prefer to take a more economical approach to my designs. Sure, you can build a nice, sturdy, and shiny building if you throw ridiculous amounts of cash at it, but do you really want to look at the same building for all eternity? My design will be composed entirely of recycled styrofoam blocks to save weight and cost, and the construction crew will consist of unskilled labourers from my country willing to work far below the poverty line. The estimated cost of my design will be $20 million. Sure, it might crumble here and there occasionally, but you'll be saving the environment by reducing the amount of styrofoam floating around in the ocean.
"Besides," he chuckled, "it's not like you can die again even if you fall off a building in Heaven."
Shaking his head at the ridiculousness of the Indian engineer's plan, St. Peter calls on the Chinese engineer to present.
The Chinese engineer stands, clears his throat, and says "My design will cost $250 billion. That is all."
St. Peter nearly jumps out of his chair in incredulity. "What?! Your proposal is $50 billion more expensive than than the German's, and he plans to use the rarest and most expensive materials known to man. Pray tell, how do you justify the cost of your design?"
The Chinese engineer winks and whispers into St. Peter's ear. "We steal the Indian's design, I take $100 billion and you keep the rest. How does that sound? ;)"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pofdc/a_german_engineer_an_indian_engineer_and_a/
%
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...

It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.
Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5poew5/a_man_is_driving_down_a_deserted_stretch_of/
%
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5po7lk/a_student_at_a_management_school_came_up_to_a/
%
I went to a lame reggae concert once

It was dreadful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5po71z/i_went_to_a_lame_reggae_concert_once/
%
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion!

And a ban from the cincinnati zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5po6z4/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
I've no idea why I'm a virgin.

But I'm guessing it's because my Siamese twin is really ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5po576/ive_no_idea_why_im_a_virgin/
%
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5po4bw/if_your_dog_is_barking_at_the_back_door_and_your/
%
Why did President Trump cross the road?

"I didn't cross the road. I have never crossed the road. More lies of the MSM. Sad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5po33c/why_did_president_trump_cross_the_road/
%
It turns out vaccines cause cancer.

You'll actually live long enough to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnxm5/it_turns_out_vaccines_cause_cancer/
%
How to fall down stairs

* Step 1
* Step 2
* Step 4
* Step 15

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnwda/how_to_fall_down_stairs/
%
A Priest, a Minister, a Rabbi and a Bear

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who is best at his job. So each one goes into the woods to find a bear and try to convert it.
Later, they all get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion."
The minister says: "I found a bear by the stream and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him."
They both look down to the rabbi, who is lying on a stretcher in a full body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I should not have started with the circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnt03/a_priest_a_minister_a_rabbi_and_a_bear/
%
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff...

bahhh dum hisss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnsws/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_down_a_cliff/
%
NSFW: Sperm 1: God I'm getting tired! How long 'til we reach the fallopian tubes?

Sperm 2: Still a long way to go..........We've only passed the tonsils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnsbd/nsfw_sperm_1_god_im_getting_tired_how_long_til_we/
%
NSFW: Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In the loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnqy4/nsfw_why_do_women_wear_panties_with_flowers_on/
%
What did the psychiatrist say to the man who walked into her office wearing only cling wrap?

I can clearly see you(')r(e) nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnqi5/what_did_the_psychiatrist_say_to_the_man_who/
%
A man in Scotland calls his son in London

the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnmmi/a_man_in_scotland_calls_his_son_in_london/
%
Trump gets very sick

So he goes to his doctor who runs a bunch of tests and gives Donald a clean bill of health saying it'll pass soon.
Two weeks later after not getting any better Trump goes back,  this time vomiting profusely and has uncontrollable diarrhea.  His Doctor runs a bunch of new tests and an MRI.  Once again tells Trump  "you're fine,  it's just a bug.
A month goes by,  Trump has now lost most of his hair and half his weight.  He decides to go to a different Doctor who diagnosis Trump with cancer that has now raged through his entire body.
Trump calls his first doctor screaming "How could you do this?  I'm gonna sue!  How could you miss a diagnosis of cancer this advanced?"
To which Trumps doctor replies. " I didn't miss a thing.  I knew about the cancer.  I just gave you my alternative diagnosis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnmew/trump_gets_very_sick/
%
A mathematician wanders back home at 3A.M..

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the mathematician replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a 'quarter of 12'.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnlcz/a_mathematician_wanders_back_home_at_3am/
%
An Irish guy, a Mexican guy, and a blond guy

are building a skyscraper.  The lunch whistle blows and they all open up their lunchboxes and look at the contents in dismay.
The Irish guy says, "Potatoes again?  If I have potatoes one more time, I'm gonna throw myself off the building!"
The Mexican guy says, "Tacos again?  If I have tacos one more time, I'm gonna throw myself off the building!"
The blond guy says, "Peanut butter and jelly again?   If I have PBJ one more time, I'm gonna throw myself off the building!"
The next day, the Irish guy has potatoes, the Mexican guy has tacos, and the blond guy has PBJ, and they all jump to their deaths.
At the company memorial service, the Irish guy's widow wails, "If only he told me he was tired of potatoes I'd have made him something else!"
The Mexican guy's widow cries, ""If only he told me he was tired of tacos I'd have made him something else!"
The blond guy's widow says, "Don't look at me.  He packed his own lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnl8d/an_irish_guy_a_mexican_guy_and_a_blond_guy/
%
A nun is teaching class in a Catholic children's home.

She asks the students what they want to be when they grow up. One says a teacher, the other says doctor, the other says engineer and so on. Finally the question lands on quiet little girl in the back.
Nun: What would you like to be when you grow up?
Girl: I'm afraid to say it out loud.
Nun: Then come whisper it into my ear.
The girl scurries over and whispers something. The nuns face boils. She is both shocked and horrified. She screams "What did you say?!?!"
The girl startled yells out " I said I want to be a prostitute!"
The nun replies relieved " Oh thank the heavens I thought you said Protestant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnkyp/a_nun_is_teaching_class_in_a_catholic_childrens/
%
Why did the necromancer have trouble raising a family?

They weren't buried in the same cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnjk3/why_did_the_necromancer_have_trouble_raising_a/
%
A rich old man goes for his regular round of golf

with his friends but this time he brings along a gorgeous young lady.
“Guys, meet my new fiancée” he says, full of pride as he introduces her to his pals.
For the rest of the afternoon his friends can’t take their eyes off the stunning beauty.
After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group.
One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him, “How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You’re seventy. She must be at least forty years younger than you!”
The old rich guy says, “I lied about my age.”
His friend says, “And she believed you? How old did you say you were?”
“I told her I was ninety.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnhr9/a_rich_old_man_goes_for_his_regular_round_of_golf/
%
I don't think any political ideology is inherently wrong

Some are just alternative right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnhch/i_dont_think_any_political_ideology_is_inherently/
%
My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating velocity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnf2j/my_girlfriend_said_she_needs_some_time_and/
%
What did 1 say to 7?

Nice visor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnesp/what_did_1_say_to_7/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnc13/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
Doctor and an engineer loved the same girl.

Doctor used to give her a rose daily and engineer used to give the girl an apple. Girl got confused and asked engineer : There is a meaning of giving rose in Love. Why are you giving apple ? Engineer answered : Because "An apple a day keeps the doctor away".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnbfr/doctor_and_an_engineer_loved_the_same_girl/
%
What do Christian werewolves say?

Howlelujah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnawv/what_do_christian_werewolves_say/
%
Do you know the biggest difference between Mexico and China?

China paid for it's wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pnagu/do_you_know_the_biggest_difference_between_mexico/
%
What's the best remedy for a sex starved drug addict?

A jack and coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pn7rt/whats_the_best_remedy_for_a_sex_starved_drug/
%
Epic Chinese Movie Translation

While on vacation and downloading a DVD copy of War of the Worlds (2005) I laugh so hard from the English subtitle of what I downloaded and it turns out that it was a Pirated copy of the War of the Worlds.
Ray: It's OK...
(Subtitle: Do not fine, you is just fine.)
Rachel: Is Robby OK? Are you OK?
(Subtitle: Robby do not fine, you do not fine?)
Rachel: Is it over?
(Subtitle: What that finish?)
Ray: You better be there when I get back!
(Subtitle: Better is you ove there moment I return.)
Ray: Everybody just relax, OK?
(Subtitle: Altogether only is dark.)
Ogilvy: They have been planning this for a million years.
(Subtitle: Have planned since millions of last year.)
Ogilvy: This is not a war any more than there's a war between men and maggots...
(Subtitle: This non war again between Manon and of Maget.)
Ogilvy: This is an extermination.
(Subtitle: This is abbatoir.)
Ogilvy: Take them by surprise.
(Subtitle: Give surprise them.)
Ray: You don't have anything to say to her, understand?
(Subtitle: You is there is something that wish to be told? Understand.)
Ray: You gotta be quiet!
(Subtilte: You have a peace.)
Soldier: Everybody down!
(Subtitle: Altogether bow! ! !)
LOL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pn70z/epic_chinese_movie_translation/
%
I've been dating this lady who is gluten free...

Problem is, we go to a deli, she asks, "do you want to split a sandwich." I say, "sure" and then I'm just left with the bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pn4n1/ive_been_dating_this_lady_who_is_gluten_free/
%
What do white nationalists call three left turns?

An alt-right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pn3mw/what_do_white_nationalists_call_three_left_turns/
%
I'm not schizophrenic.

Yes you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pn0b8/im_not_schizophrenic/
%
Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy.

Feels good till you look down and realize you're gay
(Credit to Adam Corolla)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmznf/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blow_job_from_a/
%
A black guy, a white guy, and an Asian guy.

There are three guys in a bar. A black guy, a white guy, and an Asian guy. A woman comes into the bar and says "if your collective dick sizes don't add up to at least 15 inches, I'll shoot all three of you." The black guy pulls out his dick with an impressive 9 inches. Next the white guy pulls out his dick with 5 inches for a total of 14 inches. The black a white guys look very nervously at the Asian guy. He pulls his out with 1 inch. All three guys sigh in relief as the woman says "well done, have a night". After the woman walks out the Asian guy turns to the other two and says "you're lucky I popped a boner".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmz3v/a_black_guy_a_white_guy_and_an_asian_guy/
%
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmz2s/a_salesman_rings_the_door_bell_and_little_johnny/
%
Dad do you remember your first blowjob?

Dad: Hell yes!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmytf/dad_do_you_remember_your_first_blowjob/
%
So a mom hears her son playing with trains....

And she heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmwfn/so_a_mom_hears_her_son_playing_with_trains/
%
I'm not buying anything from any of Trump's or his family's businesses

Not a political statement, I just don't have any money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmw91/im_not_buying_anything_from_any_of_trumps_or_his/
%
What do you call a lawsuit against a zombie?

Deceased and desist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmw49/what_do_you_call_a_lawsuit_against_a_zombie/
%
(NSFW)So a dude was in the hospital....

And he just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.
He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.
An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.
The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean”
The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK”
The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much.
So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand.
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmvy8/nsfwso_a_dude_was_in_the_hospital/
%
Wife: "I'm going to bed, honey."

Husband:  "Okay, sweetheart.  I'll go get you a tylenol."
Wife: "But why?  I don't have a headache."
Husband: "Great! Let's fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmvnt/wife_im_going_to_bed_honey/
%
Did you hear about the new toll for tying shoes?

It's knot fare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmujg/did_you_hear_about_the_new_toll_for_tying_shoes/
%
Why do cows wear bells?

Because  their horns don't work...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmttj/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
%
I love you, too

because I love you less than three <3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmtnf/i_love_you_too/
%
Two politicians are arguing. The first one says to the second one, "You're lying!"

The second politician replies, "Yes I am, but hear me out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmsfe/two_politicians_are_arguing_the_first_one_says_to/
%
Why does Bob Ross not use a condom?

Because he doesn't make mistakes, only happy little accidents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmq3x/why_does_bob_ross_not_use_a_condom/
%
Why can't a T-Rex clap it's hands?

Because it's dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmnqc/why_cant_a_trex_clap_its_hands/
%
I would love to buy a Harley Davidson motorcycle...

But I can't afford all the shirts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmmwc/i_would_love_to_buy_a_harley_davidson_motorcycle/
%
A preschooler refused to sleep during naptime...

He was charged with resisting a rest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmmt9/a_preschooler_refused_to_sleep_during_naptime/
%
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants?"

"Over there by mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmkbp/during_my_prostate_exam_i_asked_the_doctor_where/
%
People told me girls wait their whole lives to hear a man say "I do"

Apparently not if the question was "Do you think I put on weight?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmj7j/people_told_me_girls_wait_their_whole_lives_to/
%
Son: "I got expelled"

Dad: "How?"
Son: "I wrote 2 + 2 = 41 on the whiteboard."
Dad: "That's pretty dumb but-"
Son: "Then my teacher told me to go up to the board..."
Dad: "Ok?"
Son: "And rub 1 out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmj35/son_i_got_expelled/
%
My girlfriend asked if I'd still love her if she was annoying and ugly

Apparently "I do!" Was not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmiy5/my_girlfriend_asked_if_id_still_love_her_if_she/
%
My four year old cousin told me:

Home is where you can sit on the toilet as long as you want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmij1/my_four_year_old_cousin_told_me/
%
Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please"

Waitress: *slaps his face*
"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmgrr/man_waitress_can_i_ask_you_something_about_the/
%
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?

Because his daddy was a mummy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmfkp/why_was_the_egyptian_kid_confused/
%
I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator

I wonder how many people are in that field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmfgk/i_am_thinking_about_pursuing_a_job_as_a_crowd/
%
How many black people do you need to start a riot?

Negative 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmfdo/how_many_black_people_do_you_need_to_start_a_riot/
%
Things we should be learning from dogs:

1) Love
2) Trust
3) Loyalty
What we learnt: POSITION

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmf24/things_we_should_be_learning_from_dogs/
%
A Little Black Jewish Boy says to his father, "daddy, am I more black or more Jewish?"

Why do you ask? Says the dad.
The boy says, "well a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I should haggle him down to $75 or just steal it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmey5/a_little_black_jewish_boy_says_to_his_father/
%
You know as long as you keep babies well fed they're usually pretty good...

But I like mine with a little BBQ sauce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmexv/you_know_as_long_as_you_keep_babies_well_fed/
%
Chef blonde

Why don't blondes double the amounts in recipes when cooking for more people?
The oven usually doesn't go to 700 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmeou/chef_blonde/
%
I dropped french class because my teach was a dick...

I was late on the first day and he said i was a retard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pmcb9/i_dropped_french_class_because_my_teach_was_a_dick/
%
allentine's ay.

For those of you who won't be getting the V or the D on Feb. 14th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pm8yi/allentines_ay/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pm8ec/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
Black people aren't real

They are just a pigment of your imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pm507/black_people_arent_real/
%
Why do black people always have nightmares?

Because the last one that had a dream got shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pm4xo/why_do_black_people_always_have_nightmares/
%
What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite beer?

Yuenglings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pm3nz/whats_anakin_skywalkers_favorite_beer/
%
Girlfriend said she wanted six inches, and wanted it to hurt...

So i stabbed her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pm2kj/girlfriend_said_she_wanted_six_inches_and_wanted/
%
Did you hear what happened when the cheese factory blew up!?

Da Brie went everywhere!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plzm5/did_you_hear_what_happened_when_the_cheese/
%
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plzc3/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
%
Do you work at the bank?

Because you need to leave me a loan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plyfo/do_you_work_at_the_bank/
%
Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plxy2/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
It is said that Bill Gates once farted in an Apple store which stank up the entire place.

But after all, it's their fault for not having Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plwj7/it_is_said_that_bill_gates_once_farted_in_an/
%
I invented a new word

It's called plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pls5d/i_invented_a_new_word/
%
A girl with a peg leg goes to her high school dance...

And she is slowly walking around, sad that nobody wanted to dance with her. Right before she was about to leave a boy with a wooden eye walks up and asks her to dance. To which she replies
"Would I! Would I!"
The boy is angered anD snaps back at her.
"Peg Leg! Peg Leg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pls30/a_girl_with_a_peg_leg_goes_to_her_high_school/
%
What happened when the Orange slept with the skanky Lemon?

He got Lemonaids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plrfu/what_happened_when_the_orange_slept_with_the/
%
What do you call smart boobs?

Scientits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plq31/what_do_you_call_smart_boobs/
%
I said hi to a feminist yesterday

My court date is tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plpwg/i_said_hi_to_a_feminist_yesterday/
%
Taking up Three Seats

An usher at a movie theatre notices a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theatre.
He tells the customer that he can only take up one seat.
The customer justs moans and rolls his eyes.
The usher goes to get his supervisor who also tells the customer he must only take one seat or he will call the police.
Once again the customer just moans and rolls his eyes.
The supervisor calls the police, who come and tell the customer that he has been told by the usher and the manager to sit up and that he can only take up one seat.
"What's wrong with you?" they ask.
The customer justs moans and rolls his eyes.
The police officer asks the man "Where did you come from?"
The man lifts a hand in the air, and says "the balcony"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plnws/taking_up_three_seats/
%
A lady moves to a new town

She needs a job and the only place to work within 50 miles is a tickle me Elmo factory.
So she drives there the very next day. She is immediately sent to the head honchos office, and he says to her     "this is your lucky day, we just lost somone in the factory and you would be perfect for the job"
He explains what she will be doing and tells her she can start first thing in the morning.
The next day she comes in and goes straight to work.
Not long after that the shift manager sees the dolls are majorly backing up on the line.
He checks what she is doing and goes right to the head honcho.
He says to his boss
" You are not going to believe what the new girl is doing!
She has a bag of marbles, some red cloth, and a needle and thread.
As each of the Elmo dolls comes of the line she is sewing a little red pouch between the legs and is inserting 2 marbles, I just didn't know what to say to her.!"
The head honcho let's him know he will take care of this and heads straight away to the factory floor.
He approaches the woman and lets her know they need to talk.
She puts down her sewing tools and listens.
He says to her
" I am sorry but i think you misunderstood me when i told you that each Tickle me Elmo gets two test tickles"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pln8t/a_lady_moves_to_a_new_town/
%
A cop pulls over a man and his wife

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,
"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car."
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"
She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plmrv/a_cop_pulls_over_a_man_and_his_wife/
%
A blonde walks into a bank in search of a $5000 loan

A blonde walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5000 loan.
The banker asks "Okay miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman replies "Yes, of course. I would like to use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out so they park the car in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5000?"
The woman replies, "Where else in NYC can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41 and expect it to be there when I get back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plkag/a_blonde_walks_into_a_bank_in_search_of_a_5000/
%
What do you get when you cross a Mexican cholo and an ill tempered Irishman?

... a surprisingly stable person; according to my Homie O'Statis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plh2r/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mexican_cholo/
%
How do you put spaghetti to sleep?

You cover it in peanut butter until it dies.
My 4 year old made that up, along with a few others. Not sure how I feel about this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plf0y/how_do_you_put_spaghetti_to_sleep/
%
If you eat enough, eventually, you will lose weight!

It's true! The doctors are cutting my foot off tomorrow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plez1/if_you_eat_enough_eventually_you_will_lose_weight/
%
The wife left a note by the TV today saying "Its not working, I'm leaving"

I plugged it in, turned it on, nothing wrong with it stupid cow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plepc/the_wife_left_a_note_by_the_tv_today_saying_its/
%
What to say while drunk!

A husband wakes up with a hangover. He opens his eyes n sees aspirins and water.
He sits down & sees his clothes all clean & pressed....
He takes the aspirin & finds a note "Honey, breakfast is on table, I left to buy groceries. Love you"
Totally shocked,
He goes to the kitchen for breakfast. There he finds his son & asks him "What happened last night ?".
Son says: "Well Dad u came home.  @ 3am, drunk & delirious, broke all  crockery, puked in the hall & made a total mess....
Confused he asks, "then why is everything in order?"
Son says, "Oh! Mom dragged u to the room tried to take ur clothes off & you said *"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE,  I'M MARRIED!"*
*I cant ditch her......*
*MORAL:*
Self induced hangover - 4000
broken Crockery - 10000
But....
Saying the right things when drunk........
PRICELESS !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5plcra/what_to_say_while_drunk/
%
The French Navy

Q: Why does the new French navy have glass-bottomed boats?
A: So they can see the old French navy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pla0g/the_french_navy/
%
It's funny how liberals think Donald Trump oppresses women and hates gays

Like he's a Muslim or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pl9pd/its_funny_how_liberals_think_donald_trump/
%
My Thai girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship.

I still wish she didn’t have one though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pl96l/my_thai_girlfriend_assured_me_that_a_small_penis/
%
Dear protestors,

Rosa parks refused to give up her seat on the bus, she didn't trash it. There's a difference.
Pls don't crucify me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pl8fc/dear_protestors/
%
Study what you love and you'll never work a day in your life.

Because nobody is hiring in your field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pl7om/study_what_you_love_and_youll_never_work_a_day_in/
%
Genders are like the twin towers

There use to be 2 of them, now it's a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pl48g/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
Why should you never have sex in an Olive Garden?

Because when you're there, you're family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pl2so/why_should_you_never_have_sex_in_an_olive_garden/
%
Your wife and your lawyer are drowning. You have a choice to make.

Do you go to lunch or a movie?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pl1a5/your_wife_and_your_lawyer_are_drowning_you_have_a/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose...

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pl03q/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_could_have_a/
%
The Green Bay Packers' Defense

That's it. That's the joke. LET'S GO FALCONS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkzud/the_green_bay_packers_defense/
%
When I was in high school, I was part of the French club.

We didn't really do anything, but every once in a while, we'd surrender to the German club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkz3e/when_i_was_in_high_school_i_was_part_of_the/
%
What do you call a convicted felon on an escalator?

I'm not sure, but I think it's con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pky9p/what_do_you_call_a_convicted_felon_on_an_escalator/
%
I interviewed six people who had just played Russian Roulette...

5/6 of them said it was safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pky8m/i_interviewed_six_people_who_had_just_played/
%
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle......

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted
to him and during her questions about his life she asked him
how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a
hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong. I'll
show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes,
laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she
said, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her
an almighty kick, right in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Checking for bees!" said Tarzan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkxf0/one_day_jane_met_tarzan_in_the_jungle/
%
What flavor of chips do the citizens in the Elder Scrolls like the most?

Cyrodiill Pickle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkwsy/what_flavor_of_chips_do_the_citizens_in_the_elder/
%
Whats Hitler's favorite type of joke

A roast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkw90/whats_hitlers_favorite_type_of_joke/
%
The magician said on the count of three, he would disappear

Uno, dos. He disappeared without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkw43/the_magician_said_on_the_count_of_three_he_would/
%
What do you call a sentry gun that can't control its body?

Tourrette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkr79/what_do_you_call_a_sentry_gun_that_cant_control/
%
A man is dying of cancer...

But he tells everyone he's dying of aids
His son asks him why.
He replies "So no one will have sex with my wife when I'm gone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkq4f/a_man_is_dying_of_cancer/
%
It's 1957 and Bobby goes to.....

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.
Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkpkp/its_1957_and_bobby_goes_to/
%
My friend claims that he is a really good boxer.

He doesn't strike me as one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkp2w/my_friend_claims_that_he_is_a_really_good_boxer/
%
Why are all liquor stores haunted?

Because they're full of spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkkx0/why_are_all_liquor_stores_haunted/
%
[Knock Knock] Halloween 1981, the Potter Household

Voldemort: knock knock
James: Who's there
Voldemort: You know
James: You know who?
Voldemort: Correct
James: ...
James: Fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkkmu/knock_knock_halloween_1981_the_potter_household/
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What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkicz/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
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What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin, get in the Batmobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkdbs/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
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A string walks into a bar...

And orders a beer. The bartender tells him "We don't serve your kind here." The string walks outside and ties himself in a knot and separates his strands.
He walks back inside and orders a beer. The bartender asks him "Hey, didn't I tell you we don't serve your kind here?"
To which the string replies "I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkbvs/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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How does the man on the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pkarg/how_does_the_man_on_the_moon_cut_his_hair/
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Fart Soccer

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "1-0".
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart soccer."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Goal! Tie score..."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 2 to 1"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "And she scores again!, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "BinGOAL, I lead 2 to 3." Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pka9q/fart_soccer/
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Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

Every time somebody goes in a bathroom and locks the door, you take four shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pk4ix/have_you_heard_about_the_oscar_pistorius_drinking/
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A panda bear walks into a whore house...

Gets up to the front counter and tells the hostess "I want an hour with a girl" A little reluctant at first the hostess walks the panda bear down a hallway and into a room where this naked chicks all sprawled out on the bed.
After the hour the panda bear gets done and starts to walk out. The whore starts yelling at him "wait, wait, wait... you can't leave yet! You owe me money!" The panda bear stares blankly for a moment and then says "but I'm a panda bear."
A little confused the whore starts looking around the room thinking to herself "how am I going to explain to this panda bear and he owes me money." After a few minutes of searching she finds a dictionary and looks up the word "whore" while showing the panda bear the book, it says.
Whore - does sexual pleasures for money.
The Panda bear smiles and says look up "panda bear"
She thumbs through the dictionary, finds "panda bear" and it says...
Panda bear - Eats bush and leaves!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pk4gm/a_panda_bear_walks_into_a_whore_house/
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Facebook says: I know everyone. Google says: I know everything. The "Internet" says: Ya'll are nothing without me.

Electricity says: Not this game again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pk3to/facebook_says_i_know_everyone_google_says_i_know/
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What came first, the chicken or the egg?

The rooster ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pk1h9/what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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A Little Kid Sees a Pirate on the Beach...

and walks up to him. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Intrigued, the kid asks, "how come you've got that peg for a foot?"
The pirate responds, "Aye, now that's a story. I was battlin' another ship with me crew, and a cannon ball flew straight toward me. Blew everythin' past me ankle clean off!"
"Wow, " the kid says. "What about your hook for a hand?"
"Same day as me leg, actually. Shortly after the cannon ball hit, a stray bullet went clean through me wrist. Nothin' could be done to save the hand."
"Sorry to hear that," the kid comments. "Did you lose your eye that day too?"
"No, that happened about a week later. It was a clear, smooth-sailin' day. I heard a bird call, looked skyward, and got an eye full 'o bird crap."
The kid looks incredulous. "That wouldn't make you lose your eye!"
"Aye," the pirate admits, "but I hadn't gotten used to the hook yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pk00m/a_little_kid_sees_a_pirate_on_the_beach/
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I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment

I did it once and killed a cyclist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pjs3r/im_tired_of_people_telling_me_to_turn_off_my/
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The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant doesn’t answer. The Godfather asks again, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”
The Godfather says, “Well, ask him where the @#!* money is.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where the @#!* money is!”
The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!” The accountant signs back, “Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!” The Godfather says, “Well, what did he say?” The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pjp5l/the_godfather_accompanied_by_his_attorney_walks/
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(NSFW) What did cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pjlxp/nsfw_what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the/
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Wholesome Sunday joke

A young altar boy is running late for service. To save time, he puts on his robes before getting on his bike and pedaling like mad for the church. In his rush, he doesn't look both ways at an intersection and is struck by oncoming traffic.
The altar boy is thrown from his bike and into a ditch on the side of the road, badly injured. The driver stops and calls the paramedics before climbing down to the boy. He sees the boy is in pretty bad shape and then notices the robes.
Thinking of last rites he tells the boy, "I've called the paramedics, but do you want me to call a priest too, just in case?"
The boy turns his head to the driver with great effort and spits out a mouthful of blood, letting it dribble from his chin.
"A priest?" he coughs. "How can you think about sex at a time like this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pjkgh/wholesome_sunday_joke/
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$100 Tattoo

A husband comes home late one night.
His wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."
"What the fuck were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money. Third, I like how money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pje3h/100_tattoo/
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It wasn't raining during Trump's inauguration

It was just alternative sunshine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pj97z/it_wasnt_raining_during_trumps_inauguration/
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Benjamin Franklin and George Washington walk into a bar and sit down next to Trump.

Franklin turns to Trump and says: "I do not believe you understand the value of liberty, my good fellow."
Trump turns to Franklin and gives him a $100 dollar bill and says: "Of course I do.  Money rules this world, Mr. Franklin.  That's all I need to know!"  Trump taps Franklin's portrait on the bill.  "Now leave me alone!"  Franklin scoffs at the gesture and walks out the bar.
Washington is shocked and loudly exclaims: "Sir, you shall not simply buy liberty!  Our country was founded on the notion that liberty ought not to be controlled by the purse!  I would have you know..."
Trump cuts off Washington after flipping through his wallet and says: "Who the hell are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pj73q/benjamin_franklin_and_george_washington_walk_into/
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My dad only lets me keep 2 pet ravens at a time

Nevermore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pj6eh/my_dad_only_lets_me_keep_2_pet_ravens_at_a_time/
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The Redneck Joke

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater!"
Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"
Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"
"No."
"Then you're homosexual."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pj0gj/the_redneck_joke/
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Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pizb5/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_view_mirrors/
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A joke my dad told me in polish, I'll translate.

3 men where discussing the fastest things in the universe.
One man says "it's the human thought, because you think about stuff and you don't even know when it happened"
The second man says "no, light is faster because you flip the switch and before you can even think about it, it's there".
The third man says "no no no, it's diarrhea, because before I can think about it, and before I can even turn on the lights, I shit my pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pitxb/a_joke_my_dad_told_me_in_polish_ill_translate/
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I just came up with Trump's inauguration drink

I call it, "Make America Smashed Again"
It's a White Russian with pumpkin spice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pite9/i_just_came_up_with_trumps_inauguration_drink/
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What has more letters than the alphabet?

The post office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pisj0/what_has_more_letters_than_the_alphabet/
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Today I saw a rock group, but none of the 4 members sang

Mount Rushmore was kinda disappointing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pind1/today_i_saw_a_rock_group_but_none_of_the_4/
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Why can't you go fishing with Skrillex?

Because he always drops the bass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pie21/why_cant_you_go_fishing_with_skrillex/
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A young girl’s parents are going through a divorce

One day, her mother sits her down in an attempt to explain it. “Is it because you’re getting old?” the girl asks innocently. “No,” replies the mother, a little taken aback. “Well how old are you?” the girl inquires. “It’s not polite to ask.” Frustrated, the girl gives up.
Days later, she fins her mother’s purse unattended and decides to do some detective work. The girl frantically looks through the purse, looking for her mother’s drivers license. Finding it, she searches it carefully. After a few moments, she exclaims, “Aha!”
Putting everything back, she confronts her mother. “I know why you and daddy are getting a divorce!” she exclaims confidently. “Why’s that, honey?” her mother asks.
“Because you got an F in sex!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pidcj/a_young_girls_parents_are_going_through_a_divorce/
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What did 0 say to 8 ?

Nice belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pi8jd/what_did_0_say_to_8/
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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

Which was weird, because I'd never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pi72s/this_girl_said_she_recognized_me_from_the/
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Whether you love him or hate him...

...Trump got more fat women walking in one day than Michelle Obama did in eight years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pi4hy/whether_you_love_him_or_hate_him/
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Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11?

Americans cant milk a cow for 16 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pi2kv/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_911/
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ISIS Awards Night:

The 2016 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed. Unfortunately, Mohammed can't be with us tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pi25h/isis_awards_night/
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How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

Call her and tell her about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5phwjc/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_while/
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HUSBAND WANTED

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN 70's AGE GROUP
MUST NOT BEAT ME
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" The widow said. "Just look at you... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5phtcp/husband_wanted/
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A duck, a deer, a skunk and an elephant are sitting in a bar

The end of the night rolls around and the waitress asks who is going to pay the tab.
The duck says that he can't pay because he only has one bill.
The deer says that she had a buck on her last night, but won't have any doe until spring.
The skunk says he can't pay because he only has one scent.
Finally, the elephant says "It's okay boys, the highballs are on me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5phsh0/a_duck_a_deer_a_skunk_and_an_elephant_are_sitting/
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Today a girl kissed me

I just wish that I could post this in another subreddit :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5phry8/today_a_girl_kissed_me/
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TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5phrqd/til_that_back_in_the_1940s_as_a_result_of_failed/
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I lost my watch at a party once

. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5phpnx/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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Did you guys hear about the serial killer who's using smaller and smaller socks to strangle each new victim?

Be careful, they say he's still at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5phku2/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_serial_killer_whos/
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A visual joke...

So a woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts. She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants.
The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the product, she'll get the product for free.
She tries them out and gets fitted properly. It has little sacs in her bra that are inflated when she flaps her arms like a chicken [flap your arms like a chicken], giving her a larger bust.
She decides to go out to a bar to see if men will notice. She sees a handsome man across the room and starts walking up to him, seductively smiling, flapping her arms [flap your arms like a chicken] and says "Haven't I seen you here before?"
"No," says, the guy [furiously open and close your knees], "But I think we go to the same doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5phifl/a_visual_joke/
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My girlfriend said I should be louder in the bedroom.

But apparently she didn't give me permission to snore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ph8tk/my_girlfriend_said_i_should_be_louder_in_the/
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A man has been admitted to hospital after pushing 6 plastic horses up his anus.

Doctors declared his condition as "stable".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ph1bc/a_man_has_been_admitted_to_hospital_after_pushing/
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I like the way the earth revolves!

It really makes my day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ph14a/i_like_the_way_the_earth_revolves/
%
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgxu9/as_a_couple_gets_into_bed_the_husband_starts_to/
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Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgvmb/rudolph_the_red_nosed_reindeer/
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I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgtoo/i_slept_with_my_best_mates_wife_last_night_and/
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When i was a kid we played football on a bit of grass at the bottom of the bridge where people often committed suicide...

We used the jumpers for goalposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgt0e/when_i_was_a_kid_we_played_football_on_a_bit_of/
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My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgs0v/my_friend_gets_offended_when_people_tell_fat_jokes/
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Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 20% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgoz1/why_do_jewish_men_get_circumcised/
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What do a brick and I have in common?

We both get laid by hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgncq/what_do_a_brick_and_i_have_in_common/
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Just goes to show, you're never to old to try new things.

My nan starting running when she was 65, she's 71 now and we've no idea where she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgl0a/just_goes_to_show_youre_never_to_old_to_try_new/
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which organ of the human body expands to 10 times

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted.
She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson.
"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgjpf/which_organ_of_the_human_body_expands_to_10_times/
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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot

, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings."
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!"
With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgixj/three_men_a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an/
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Four Men Went Golfing...

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.
---
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
---
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
---
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
---
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgikr/four_men_went_golfing/
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems

when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgier/little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class_doing_math/
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A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida

and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgg5y/a_young_guy_from_nebraska_moves_to_florida/
%
I ate pelican today

Never again. The bill was massive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgecq/i_ate_pelican_today/
%
Did you know Donald Trump only had two moods?

Pissed off and pissed on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pgb7o/did_you_know_donald_trump_only_had_two_moods/
%
NSFW: “Do you spit or swallow?”

I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, “Do you spit or swallow?”
She slapped my face and stormed off… I'm never taking anyone to wine tasting again!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pg7x4/nsfw_do_you_spit_or_swallow/
%
"Hey girl are you from Europe?"

"cause europiece of shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pg7p1/hey_girl_are_you_from_europe/
%
Why shouldn't you date a tennis player?

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pg7e0/why_shouldnt_you_date_a_tennis_player/
%
If anti-gays want to stop gay sex...

They should encourage gay marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pg6jr/if_antigays_want_to_stop_gay_sex/
%
A bishop came to Church Today

Clearly he was an impostor.
Never once moved diagonally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pg5f3/a_bishop_came_to_church_today/
%
What did the Dalai Lama say at the hotdog stand?

Make me one with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfy92/what_did_the_dalai_lama_say_at_the_hotdog_stand/
%
A man was jogging down the street....

when he suddenly slipped over on a pile of dog shit and landed face first in the gutter. Whilst he was picking himself up an elderly woman rounded the corner and before he could utter a word she too slipped on the shit and fell to the ground.
"Hey, I just did that!" said the man
"You should be fucking ashamed of yourself" replied the woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfxyu/a_man_was_jogging_down_the_street/
%
I always say no to drugs...

But they never listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfx90/i_always_say_no_to_drugs/
%
Why did hitler kill himself?

He looked at the gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfuqc/why_did_hitler_kill_himself/
%
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfqcq/why_did_the_star_wars_movies_come_out_in_the/
%
What do you call a pile of blessed black waist sashes?

A Benedictine Cumberbatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfpp8/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_blessed_black_waist/
%
I wish my grass was more emo.

Then it would cut itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfouo/i_wish_my_grass_was_more_emo/
%
Man's March (on Washington)

Can be observed every day at 8am. Also known as going to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfonn/mans_march_on_washington/
%
So what if I can't spell "Armageddon"

I mean, it's not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfn92/so_what_if_i_cant_spell_armageddon/
%
My son, you were thrown out of school today for letting a girl jerk you off. Son, that's three schools this year...

Maybe teaching isn't for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfmnb/my_son_you_were_thrown_out_of_school_today_for/
%
Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.
Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pflop/told_by_a_7_year_old_boy_how_do_you_drop_on_an/
%
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.

Dirty Bastards !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfl89/thieves_had_broken_into_my_house_and_stolen/
%
The leg rests have taken over!

Fear the Ottoman Empire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfkgi/the_leg_rests_have_taken_over/
%
How does Kurt Cobain collect his thoughts?

With a mop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfflv/how_does_kurt_cobain_collect_his_thoughts/
%
Well at least Trump and I have one thing in common..

..we both think his daughter is hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfdvy/well_at_least_trump_and_i_have_one_thing_in_common/
%
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfd5k/my_girlfriend_yelled_at_me_today_saying_you/
%
Organic chemistry is difficult.

Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfb1r/organic_chemistry_is_difficult/
%
Which President is the worst at Jenga?

Bush, because he keeps knocking down towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pfa2j/which_president_is_the_worst_at_jenga/
%
Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first scientist says "I'll have h2o"
The second scientist says "I'll have a water"
The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pf8g0/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How many feminist does it take to change a light bulb?

....Trick Question. they cant change anything...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pf7t2/how_many_feminist_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Do chemistry jokes do well here?

I'm not sure if I'll get a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pf5kv/do_chemistry_jokes_do_well_here/
%
Even if I end up being a civil engineer I won't build tunnels.

Because it's boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pf5ae/even_if_i_end_up_being_a_civil_engineer_i_wont/
%
What do toilet paper and The Star Trek Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pf4pe/what_do_toilet_paper_and_the_star_trek_enterprise/
%
At the store: Sir, do you have cotton balls?

Look, if I had cotton balls my kids would be  plush toys!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pf04y/at_the_store_sir_do_you_have_cotton_balls/
%
Why are Jewish men Circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pey95/why_are_jewish_men_circumcised/
%
My wife's always walking into things and getting hurt.

Today it was our bedroom while I was fucking her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pex0m/my_wifes_always_walking_into_things_and_getting/
%
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.

After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?”
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
“Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5peutb/there_was_an_old_professor_who_started_every/
%
Like a radiologist researching sausage digestion,

I tend to see the Wurst in people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5peud4/like_a_radiologist_researching_sausage_digestion/
%
A narcissist, a misogynist, and a bigot walks into a bar...

Bartender says, what'll it be Mr. President?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5peu7p/a_narcissist_a_misogynist_and_a_bigot_walks_into/
%
Trump's inauguration had a low turnout

Still more than Hillary's inauguration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pet29/trumps_inauguration_had_a_low_turnout/
%
Progressives are enraged, conservatives are cautiously optimistic, but no group is more excited than the Imagineers of Disney.

For the first time in the history of the Hall of Presidents, they have a shot at making an audioanimatronic more realistic than the original.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5peszv/progressives_are_enraged_conservatives_are/
%
What is the temperature inside a tauntaun?

Luke warm!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pesss/what_is_the_temperature_inside_a_tauntaun/
%
I used Bing to search something the other day.

That's it. That's the whole joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5perp2/i_used_bing_to_search_something_the_other_day/
%
I like my women like I like my politics

The more Bush the better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pergp/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_politics/
%
I think Trump might be the guy to turn the US around...

But I fear his next move will be to bend it over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5peoow/i_think_trump_might_be_the_guy_to_turn_the_us/
%
If I jack off in a plane

Does it count as Highjacking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5peob6/if_i_jack_off_in_a_plane/
%
I am God and everything in this world is for you.

Man: Thanks it beautiful, the animals look amazing and are so kind.
God: They are your source of food. You must kill them to survive.
Man: oh well I guess we can eat the ugly ones.
God: The good tasting ones look the nicest. The ugly ones will taste bitter and always raw.
Man: well shit, we still got all of this water it covers most of the planet.
God: The water is poisoned, drink too much and you die.
Man: what about the orb in the sky that's amazing, what's on it.
God: absolutely nothing, you will go to it several times then never go again.
Man: are there more of me?
God: of course, but you all hate each other.
Man: why the fuck are we here then
God: shits and giggles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pemgw/i_am_god_and_everything_in_this_world_is_for_you/
%
Why did the chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it'd be a chicken sedan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5peluy/why_did_the_chicken_coop_only_have_two_doors/
%
What do you call an epileptic leper taking a bath?

Porridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5peiqm/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_leper_taking_a_bath/
%
Sean Spicer said the inauguration had the "largest audience ever."

Then he took it back because your mother left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pefms/sean_spicer_said_the_inauguration_had_the_largest/
%
Feed a man corn and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to grow corn and he kills you and steals your land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pecmc/feed_a_man_corn_and_he_eats_for_a_day/
%
What's Donald Trump's favorite drink?

A White Russian.
I'm so sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pe63p/whats_donald_trumps_favorite_drink/
%
I'm against protesting...

But I don't know how to show it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pe5x2/im_against_protesting/
%
If your uncle Jack, helped you off a horse,

Would you help your uncle jack off a horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pe3ll/if_your_uncle_jack_helped_you_off_a_horse/
%
I told my friend that she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdz0d/i_told_my_friend_that_she_was_drawing_her/
%
You can have any movie from Rick Astley's Pixar collection, except for one

He's never gonna give you Up.
^^^^^^sorrynotsorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdx10/you_can_have_any_movie_from_rick_astleys_pixar/
%
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat...

The bartender yells, "Hey, give that back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdum4/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat/
%
What's a pig's favourite casino game?

Porker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdu1r/whats_a_pigs_favourite_casino_game/
%
The burglar

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
"Jesus knows you're here."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, turned the flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out to disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed, "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdtdk/the_burglar/
%
I hit a kid with my car last night

Then I realized it was only a goat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdsvm/i_hit_a_kid_with_my_car_last_night/
%
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real* internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pds29/looks_like_trump_is_keeping_up_michelles_ideals/
%
What type of movies can't batman see?

Parental Guidance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdox5/what_type_of_movies_cant_batman_see/
%
I saw a fight in the chip shop the other day...

Two fish got battered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdov0/i_saw_a_fight_in_the_chip_shop_the_other_day/
%
A man walks into a bar....

...and spectacularly fails at Limbo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdmft/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My wife told me her period was lasting several days longer than normal. I said,

Sounds more like an ellipsis...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdjij/my_wife_told_me_her_period_was_lasting_several/
%
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdjbw/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches_long/
%
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world

There is an idiot pulling a door that says "Push"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdifx/whenever_you_feel_sad_just_remember_that/
%
12 ways to cut down on clickbait!

This wasn't one of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdhpc/12_ways_to_cut_down_on_clickbait/
%
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

About tennish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdgy1/what_time_does_sean_connery_get_to_wimbledon/
%
A Mexican was having a drink in his living room before a lady assassin walked into the room.

He reacted by immediately grabbing a knife next to him and throwing it into her chest.
I guess he had tequila.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pdd4p/a_mexican_was_having_a_drink_in_his_living_room/
%
Why didn't the Romans try to kill Jesus after he rose from the dead?

They were too afraid to double cross him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pd9jh/why_didnt_the_romans_try_to_kill_jesus_after_he/
%
Boy breaks into White House

He writes on the wall "trump is full of shit".
He gets caught and charged with two counts facing 45 years and 6 months of prison time.
6 months for vandalism and 45 years for unauthorized release of classified information.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pd6il/boy_breaks_into_white_house/
%
I used to hate facial hair...

but then it grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pd4xj/i_used_to_hate_facial_hair/
%
I'm going to bang my head into the wall repeatedly. Is that okay?

Sure, kid. Knock yourself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pd4ne/im_going_to_bang_my_head_into_the_wall_repeatedly/
%
A very wise wizard came up to me while I was struggling to finish my test.

I thought he would have helped, but unfortunately he told me that I shall not pass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pd4mc/a_very_wise_wizard_came_up_to_me_while_i_was/
%
My girlfriend told me to get something to make her look sexy for her birthday.

So I bought myself a 12 pack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pd2fm/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_get_something_to_make/
%
A Texan, A Russian and a New Yorker.

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.
The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pctgj/a_texan_a_russian_and_a_new_yorker/
%
It costs over 200,000 dollars to raise a child these days.

And that's just for alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pct6r/it_costs_over_200000_dollars_to_raise_a_child/
%
What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead while I give these two a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pcqd7/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
%
How do the Chinese vote?

With their erections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pcobi/how_do_the_chinese_vote/
%
If you marry a good, decent man...

... the color of his Rolls Roys doesn't make much difference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pcmtb/if_you_marry_a_good_decent_man/
%
I'm getting ready to go down to support the woman's march.

Just waiting on my wife to pack me a sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pckbr/im_getting_ready_to_go_down_to_support_the_womans/
%
A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living.

Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said.
Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pck7q/a_grade_school_teacher_asks_her_students_what/
%
Why did the astronomer put his dick in the telescope?

To line it up with Uranus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pck7k/why_did_the_astronomer_put_his_dick_in_the/
%
A black guy was holding his eight-month-old baby

while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured, "mother."
The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pcjfq/a_black_guy_was_holding_his_eightmonthold_baby/
%
A New TV Show

In a new TV show, they brought in some random dancing groups from around the world to represent their continent. Every group from each continent would compete for ratings against the other groups from their same continent, until only one group from each continent was left. Then the remaining groups would compete to determine a world champion. This is from the first several episodes:
Director: "Continent 1, please come forward."
(groups from that continent compete)
Director: "Continent 2, Europe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pciyg/a_new_tv_show/
%
30 grand

A man had $30,000 and was about to die, so he hired a doctor, preacher, and lawyer. The man told the three when I die each of you throw $10,000 of my money in my grave with me. So the man died and they did.
Months later the doctor confessed, I only threw $7,000. I used $3,000 for medical research. Then the preacher confessed I only threw in $8,000. I used $2,000 for church repairs. Then the lawyer said I'm ashamed of you two. I wrote a check for the full $10,000 and threw it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pcfnz/30_grand/
%
What do you call a soda that's really sad?

So Dapressed.
I'll leave now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pcfdp/what_do_you_call_a_soda_thats_really_sad/
%
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pcexq/my_top_3_assumptions_when_doorbell_rings/
%
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...

He says,"Give me 2 shots..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get one shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pcepf/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_owned_by_eminem/
%
I saw a dwarf escaping prison yesterday, and as he was climbing down the outer fence he turned and sneered at me.

I thought to myself, that's a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pcei8/i_saw_a_dwarf_escaping_prison_yesterday_and_as_he/
%
Did you hear about a guy who was beaten with a marijuana joint?

He suffered blunt force trauma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pcc0p/did_you_hear_about_a_guy_who_was_beaten_with_a/
%
I told my girlfriend that she was rubbish in the cowgirl position.

"If you're going to insult me, I'll just pack my bags and leave. How does that sound to you?" she yelled.
"Honey," I said. "You can run, but you can't ride."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pc9b6/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_she_was_rubbish_in_the/
%
Lifetime Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "OH God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pc81o/lifetime_savings/
%
A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy some sausages

When she gets them, she notices that they're half pork and half cornmeal. Bringing this up to the butcher, she says, "it's cornmeal on the left and pork on the right!" He tells her "It's to cut costs, ma'am. In this economy, it's so hard to make all ends meat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pc7ta/a_woman_goes_to_the_butcher_shop_to_buy_some/
%
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but...

the new guy screwed everything up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pc5kt/the_experienced_carpenter_really_nailed_it_but/
%
Did you hear that Microsoft is giving away Office to parents?

Word to your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pc3h2/did_you_hear_that_microsoft_is_giving_away_office/
%
A three-legged dog walks into an old-timey saloon

"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw."
(I know it's old but I'm feeling really down and this joke cheers me up.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pc3bl/a_threelegged_dog_walks_into_an_oldtimey_saloon/
%
If you play a Coldplay song backwards, you'll hear a lot of creepy, Satanic chanting in Latin

But if you play a Coldplay song the normal way, you'll hear something much worse. A Coldplay song.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pc2fh/if_you_play_a_coldplay_song_backwards_youll_hear/
%
A jokester walks up to a drink stand...

He asks "Do you guys wanna hear a joke?"
The volunteers at the stand say, "Sure, just get in the line of your desired drink and we'll be listening."  He complys and starts walking towards the end of the line and starts his joke: "A jokester walks up to a drink stan--" and then out of nowhere he gets shot, he collapses to the floor and right before taking his last breath he whispers, "He never made it to the punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pc1dk/a_jokester_walks_up_to_a_drink_stand/
%
My math teacher called me average.

How mean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbzij/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
%
A cop pulls over a stoner

The cop looks at him and asks "How high are you?" to which the stoner replies "No officer, the correct way to say it is Hi how are you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbxt7/a_cop_pulls_over_a_stoner/
%
Why don't you tell knock knock jokes to dogs?

Knock knock.
Woof! Woof! Bark! Woof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbwim/why_dont_you_tell_knock_knock_jokes_to_dogs/
%
Two guys walk into a bar

The first one asks for h20.
The second on asks for h20 too.
The second guy dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbuhq/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do driving and dating have in common?

Both end up with you being chased by the police if you go too fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbu35/what_do_driving_and_dating_have_in_common/
%
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then...

I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbtdq/i_wasnt_originally_going_to_get_a_brain/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbs6m/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbrw4/why_dont_some_couples_go_to_the_gym/
%
Tax Man

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbrnt/tax_man/
%
Why do mermaids wear seashell bras?

Because "B" shells are to small and "D" shells are too big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbpqi/why_do_mermaids_wear_seashell_bras/
%
I ran into the back of a dwarf's car. He said he wasn't happy.

I said "Well which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pblxa/i_ran_into_the_back_of_a_dwarfs_car_he_said_he/
%
How many "suh dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. It's already lit fam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pblok/how_many_suh_dudes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbj6o/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
%
A woman goes in for a breast augmentation...

A woman goes to her doctor to discuss the pros and cons of a breast augmentation. The doctor is not a huge fan of plastic surgery, favoring a more holistic approach. He tells the woman there are a series of exercises she could try first, in order to firm up and enlarge her breasts.
The woman is leery, but she hears him out.
"What you're going to do," says the doctor "is thrice, daily, preform ten repetitions of the following." He then proceeds to put his hands under his armpits, making a sort of bird-wing-flapping motion, saying "eeny, meeny, miney, moe, I want my boobs to grow."
"You're pulling my leg," says the woman.
"No it really works for 9 out of 10 women," responds the doctor. "You should grow at least a cup size in two to three months."
Again, the woman is suspicious, but she decides to give it a try. At least for two months.
After only two weeks, doing ten repetitions, three times per day, the woman discovers that her breasts really do feel firmer and her bra seems a bit tighter. Needless to say, she decides to stay the course.
On a particularly hectic day, she is on the subway to meet a client for lunch, when she realizes that she has forgotten her midday routine. She's so dedicated and invested at this point, that she just stands up on the subway, does her thing, and sits back down, hoping nobody thinks it was too absurd.
A man on the other end of the car takes notice and walks over to her.
"Excuse me," he says "but do you happen to be a patient of Dr. Kaufman's?"
"Why yes!" she responds, "How did you know?"
The man proceeds to preform synchronized pelvic thrusts, while chanted "hickory, dickory, dock!..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbj2k/a_woman_goes_in_for_a_breast_augmentation/
%
Confessional box

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.” The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbi3q/confessional_box/
%
How do you know your waitress is having a rough night?

She's got a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbi24/how_do_you_know_your_waitress_is_having_a_rough/
%
Why did the bees build the hive?

It's in their beehavior.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbi0g/why_did_the_bees_build_the_hive/
%
This post has nothing to do with elephants.

It's irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbg61/this_post_has_nothing_to_do_with_elephants/
%
How do you know Kurt Cobain didn't have dandruff?

A bit of his head and shoulders were found behind the couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbem6/how_do_you_know_kurt_cobain_didnt_have_dandruff/
%
I was walking downtown yesterday when this poor little old lady fell down in front of me.

At least I think she was poor; she only had $2.10 in her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbdbb/i_was_walking_downtown_yesterday_when_this_poor/
%
What is Donald Trump's favourite drink?

A white Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbcf7/what_is_donald_trumps_favourite_drink/
%
Who would survive if Trump and Clinton both were stranded on a island?

America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pbbf1/who_would_survive_if_trump_and_clinton_both_were/
%
Some people are like Slinkys.

Not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when they tumble down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pb923/some_people_are_like_slinkys/
%
Michaelangelo, Albert Einstein, and George W. Bush die and end up at heaven's gate...

Michaelangelo walks up to the gate and St. Peter tells him. "Listen, we have had some recent intruders faking who they were. Is there any way you can prove that you are the real Michaelangelo?"
Michaelangelo requests a board and he then proceeds to draw the most beautiful painting ever seen by St Peter.
St Peter tells him, "Congratulations! Welcome to heaven."
Next comes Albert Einstein and St Peter proceeds to tell him the same thing. Albert Einstein asks for a board and starts explaining everything about his Theory of General Relativity.
St Peter tells him, "Congratulations! Welcome to heaven."
Lastly comes George W. Bush. St Peter tells him, "Listen George, Michaelangelo and Albert Einstein were both able to prove that they were who they said they were. What can you do to prove that you are actually who you say you are?"
George goes, "Who are Michaelangelo and Albert Einstein?"
St Peter sighs and says, "Come on in George."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pb6aq/michaelangelo_albert_einstein_and_george_w_bush/
%
A screwdriver walks into a bar...

The Bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The Screwdriver says, "You have a drink named Murray?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pb5ua/a_screwdriver_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Difference between your wife and the economy?

5 years later, the economy will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pb51z/difference_between_your_wife_and_the_economy/
%
What's the worst kind of joke?

Clickbait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pb4dg/whats_the_worst_kind_of_joke/
%
How many bodybuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It takes four. One to screw in the bulb, and three others to watch and say, "Really dude, you look huge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pb35u/how_many_bodybuilders_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Wanna know how I escaped Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pb342/wanna_know_how_i_escaped_iraq/
%
What's the difference between batman and Blackman?

Batman can go to the store without robin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pb2un/whats_the_difference_between_batman_and_blackman/
%
Why did Van Gogh become a painter?

Because he didn't have an ear for music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pb1a6/why_did_van_gogh_become_a_painter/
%
When is my wifes favorite day for sex?

Tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pb179/when_is_my_wifes_favorite_day_for_sex/
%
NASA spent 1.5mil on a pen that works in space.

Russia putin a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pb11p/nasa_spent_15mil_on_a_pen_that_works_in_space/
%
A teacher receives a phone call shortly before the school day starts

Caller: Mr. Brown, my son James will not come to school today because he is sick.
Teacher: Who am I speaking to please?
Caller: I am my father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pb02h/a_teacher_receives_a_phone_call_shortly_before/
%
Two men walk into a bar

The first one says
"I want to buy a beer for everyone in here"
The second man says
"I want to buy a beer for everyone who has bought a beer for everyone in here"
The bartender says
"You're so derivative"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5paxyh/two_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How did the scarecrow win the award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pax53/how_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_award/
%
A Brit, a Frenchman, and an American

Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following three conditions:
1) $10.00 to do it on the grass.
2) $20.00 to do it on a couch.
3) $30.00 to do it in the bed.
It's in the morning when a Brit walks in and slaps a $10 bill on the table.
So they go out and do it on the grass.
Around noon, an Frenchman walks in and slaps a $20 bill on the table.
So they go for the couch and do it on there.
About the end on the day, an American walks in and slaps $30 on the table.
Happy at seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow,... you have class"
The American responded, "Class my ass... Three times on the grass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pavvz/a_brit_a_frenchman_and_an_american/
%
This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee.

After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pavha/this_morning_i_used_redbull_instead_of_water_to/
%
Ugly scenes

in centre of Leicester this evening
An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pasel/ugly_scenes/
%
Did you hear about the Mime Murders?

It was an unspeakable horror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pas7k/did_you_hear_about_the_mime_murders/
%
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...

It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pao1o/i_introduced_my_mouse_to_my_keyboard_today/
%
If a tree falls down in the middle of the forest....

And i scream something in the top of my lungs, and no woman can hear me,
Am I still wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5panpg/if_a_tree_falls_down_in_the_middle_of_the_forest/
%
Why are white people the scariest in prison?

Because you know they're guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pamak/why_are_white_people_the_scariest_in_prison/
%
TIL that although Sting has been missing for a week...

The Police still have no lead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5paluk/til_that_although_sting_has_been_missing_for_a/
%
How many cops does it take to arrest a broken light bulb?

Two.
One arrests the room for being black.
The other arrests the bulb for being broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pali9/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_arrest_a_broken/
%
My Dog

.. can retrieve a stick from up to a mile away, or does that sound far fetched ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pal5g/my_dog/
%
Trump isn't the scariest president.

That Rushmore guy had four heads...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pakil/trump_isnt_the_scariest_president/
%
I play the world's most dangerous sport.

I ~~sometimes~~ occasionally disagree with my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pai5u/i_play_the_worlds_most_dangerous_sport/
%
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

Donald Trump has never had a garbanzo bean on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pahm3/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
%
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and asks her where she's going.

"To Las Vegas. I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free."
The man started packing his bags. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pag00/a_man_comes_home_to_find_his_wife_packing_her/
%
What does Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"This erection is rigged"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pab7b/what_does_trump_say_when_he_cant_find_his_viagra/
%
What rock group has 4 dudes that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pa4k2/what_rock_group_has_4_dudes_that_dont_sing/
%
Worst place to buy condoms?

A church. They're holy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pa2gl/worst_place_to_buy_condoms/
%
What is the cheapest cut of meat on a deer?

The balls, cause they're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5pa28n/what_is_the_cheapest_cut_of_meat_on_a_deer/
%
What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9z1c/what_did_the_two_tampons_say_to_each_other/
%
I know that we don't all agree on our new president

But at least the first lady is someone we can all get behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9xu4/i_know_that_we_dont_all_agree_on_our_new_president/
%
I asked a Chinese girl for her number

. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9x65/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
%
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9w9q/my_neighbour_knocked_on_my_door_at_230am_this/
%
Young man walks into a bar

Orders 6 shots of tequila.
Bartender says: " what are we celebrating?"
Young man says; " my first blow job"
Bartender says; " well here's a 7th shot on the house"
Young man's says: " if 6 ain't going to get the taste out, 7 won't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9ufr/young_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man found a genie in a bottle

The genie said the man could have one wish. The man thought about it and asked for a road from his house to Hawaii. The genie quickly dismissed him saying that is to hard and to ask for something else. Once again the man thought about it and said "well I would like to see some original content on the front page of r/funny." The genie looked at him and said "would that be two lanes or four?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9tqg/a_man_found_a_genie_in_a_bottle/
%
Our life without Phone

Today i went to toilet without my phone
There are 133 tiles in the bathroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9sbm/our_life_without_phone/
%
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar.

They were followed by batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9rtt/16_sodium_atoms_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why are Asians bad at golf?

They don't know how to drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9ps5/why_are_asians_bad_at_golf/
%
Pessimist: Oh, this can't get any worse!

Optimist: Yes, it can!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9mkf/pessimist_oh_this_cant_get_any_worse/
%
Muslim jokes are just so

...shiite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9mex/muslim_jokes_are_just_so/
%
Woman bathing naked

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys was lingering over by a bush. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long, so he walked over to the bush, and to his astonishment saw a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why his friend ran away so abruptly, so he took off after him. When he finally caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9lph/woman_bathing_naked/
%
Someone stole my mood ring.

I don't know how i feel about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9jpk/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money i make

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9is8/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
%
I'll do algebra. I'll do trigonometry. I'll even do calculus!

But graphing is simply where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9gb2/ill_do_algebra_ill_do_trigonometry_ill_even_do/
%
A man is in a hotel lobby......

A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk,
he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard
as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9fgn/a_man_is_in_a_hotel_lobby/
%
A guy goes in to his local council building for a job interview...

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
“Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 AM?”
“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9f9e/a_guy_goes_in_to_his_local_council_building_for_a/
%
How are cancer and pregnancy similar?

They can both be fixed with intense radiation therapy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9efr/how_are_cancer_and_pregnancy_similar/
%
A man went to the movie..

A man went to the movie theater's ticket window a second time and said, "One more."
"For The Hobbit?" the ticket vendor asked.
"No," the man replied, "That's my girlfriend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9dyn/a_man_went_to_the_movie/
%
An Australian asked me, "Have you come to die?"

"No, I came yesterday.", I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9a0l/an_australian_asked_me_have_you_come_to_die/
%
The speech Trump gave was inspiring...

But it sounded better with the original german wording.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p95h1/the_speech_trump_gave_was_inspiring/
%
Why are you baking octopus?

So I can get octopi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p93be/why_are_you_baking_octopus/
%
A groom waits at the altar with.....

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p92vr/a_groom_waits_at_the_altar_with/
%
Why is the leaning tower of Pisa in Italy?

It's Italicized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p920w/why_is_the_leaning_tower_of_pisa_in_italy/
%
A lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied... Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p9052/a_lawyer_was_riding_in_his_limousine_when_he_saw/
%
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

For fingering A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8zuj/why_did_the_guitar_teacher_get_arrested/
%
Baby metamorphosis

I feel like nobody names their baby Craig. One day, around age 35, the baby just becomes Craig.
that is all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8yh7/baby_metamorphosis/
%
A teacher was teaching her second grade......

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future."
"I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny.
"Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad.
"Okay then...good night" said Little Jhonny went off to bed.
In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying.
He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.
So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.
When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.
Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there.
So he went to the maid's room.
When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud,
"OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8y8l/a_teacher_was_teaching_her_second_grade/
%
My computer beats me at chess,

but it's no match for me at kick boxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8y2s/my_computer_beats_me_at_chess/
%
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat

The bartender says "Put that back you thief!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8w9p/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat/
%
Did you know Trump nominated a deaf guy to the Presidential cabinet?

Congress confirmed him without a hearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8vyq/did_you_know_trump_nominated_a_deaf_guy_to_the/
%
Why did the lawyer stop taking Viagra?

It just made him taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8sls/why_did_the_lawyer_stop_taking_viagra/
%
A guy stuck his head into a.....

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8s5h/a_guy_stuck_his_head_into_a/
%
What dino was known for having distinguished tastes?

A Connosaur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8rg6/what_dino_was_known_for_having_distinguished/
%
I just saw an onion ring.

So I answered it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8qyq/i_just_saw_an_onion_ring/
%
Hey dad, how does it feel to have such a handsome son?

I don't know son, ask your grandfather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8qop/hey_dad_how_does_it_feel_to_have_such_a_handsome/
%
Two young boys decide to start swearing

After some contemplation, younger brother says, "I'm gonna start saying 'oh hell'." The older one decides, "I'm gonna say 'shit'." Satisfied with their little pact, the two brothers head to bed.
The next morning, the siblings rise and groggily head downstairs. From the kitchen, they hear their mother call, "Good Morning! What do you want for breakfast?"
The younger brother thinks for a moment before saying, "Oh hell, I think I'll have some Wheaties." Shocked, the mother takes him aside and spanks him.
"Sorry about your brother," she says to the other son. "What would you like to eat?"
Shaken, he replies, "Well, it sure as shit ain't Wheaties!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8ox9/two_young_boys_decide_to_start_swearing/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan.

The drink comes and he sees a piece of parsley floating in the glass.
"What in the world is this?"
The bartender says, "Central Park."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8nnt/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_manhattan/
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A man has a 25 inch penis

. This is much too long, and he is never able to get any satisfaction from his relationships, and had grown tired of accidentally hurting his partners. So, one day he decides to do something about it. He goes to the doctor, and asks if the doctor can shrink his penis. The doctor says no, it's impossible. He goes to a second doctor, and a third, and gets a no from them as well. Finally, he turns to the supernatural. He goes deep into the forest, and finally comes upon a witch's hut. He walks in, and asks the witch if she can shrink his penis. "No, but I know who can. Go deeper into the forest, until you come across a small pond. Beside this pond sits a frog. Ask this frog to marry you. The frog will say no, and for every no you get, your penis will shrink by 5 inches." So, he goes onward through the forest, and finally he comes upon the pond. Beside the pond sits a frog, exactly as the witch had said. So he goes up to the frog, and asked, "Will you marry me?" The frog gives him a disgusted look and says "No" and his penis shrinks 5 inches. But, 20 inches is still too long, so he goes and asks again. The frog again denies him, and it shrinks once more. "Well, 15 inches is too long, but 10 would be just right" he thinks to himself. He goes back to the frog one more time, and asks it to marry him. The frog sighs, and replies, "How many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8lx9/a_man_has_a_25_inch_penis/
%
Who's the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8lsv/whos_the_most_popular_guy_at_a_nudist_colony/
%
What does expensive pasta cost?

A pretty penne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8lbi/what_does_expensive_pasta_cost/
%
Im so glad I learned sign language

its pretty handy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8kep/im_so_glad_i_learned_sign_language/
%
father son joke

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8j09/father_son_joke/
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Hooked up with this woman for a nooner

We were in bed going at whrn she hears her husband coming in the front door.  She says "quick use the backdoor."  Looking back I probably should have left, but how often do you get an offer like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8in3/hooked_up_with_this_woman_for_a_nooner/
%
Don't mind me

The real joke is always in the comments. I'm just waiting for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8hps/dont_mind_me/
%
What is a junkies favorite drink?

Hepsi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8hc4/what_is_a_junkies_favorite_drink/
%
Three guys get caught by tribals after a plane crash.

They get brought to the tribe chief and tasked with bringing back 8 of any kind of fruit.
A couple hours later one of the three guys comes back with 8 apples. The village chief comes to him and tells him that if he can insert all 8 of his apples up his rear then he can go free, but if he makes any facial expression or any sounds of pain that he will be killed on the spot. So he manages to get the first apple up no problem, but on the second apple he cringes in pain and is killed.
A bit after that the second guy comes back with 8 grapes, and he's given the same instructions as the last guy. He gets through the first 7 just fine, but just as hes about to finish he bursts out laughing and is killed on the spot.
Up in heaven the first guy says to the second guy, "come on man you were just about done, why did you laugh?" and the second guy replies, "well...I saw the other guy coming back with *pineapples*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8goe/three_guys_get_caught_by_tribals_after_a_plane/
%
Three men walk into a bar..

.. You think one of them would have seen it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8gmo/three_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb?

Who says it's dark?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8fec/how_many_optimists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8d9k/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard?

A new last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8bkr/what_does_a_polish_bride_get_on_her_wedding_night/
%
How much space does fungi need to grow?

As Mushroom as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8bgl/how_much_space_does_fungi_need_to_grow/
%
A rapist, a con-artist and a fascist walk into a bar...

The bartender says 'What'll it be Mr President?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p88i0/a_rapist_a_conartist_and_a_fascist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a guy who does not fart in public?

A private tutor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p8876/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_does_not_fart_in_public/
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When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products

Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though*
Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p82qr/when_microsoft_and_apple_ship_faulty_products/
%
Donald Trump became president of the united states

Is this the right sub?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p824r/donald_trump_became_president_of_the_united_states/
%
I'm making a movie about a man who's been cheated on

Pissed off at his girlfriend, the man has one goal. He wants to have sex with her one last time, only this time it will be a hate-fuck. He pops a viagra and begins his angry thrusting. Immediately before orgasm he has a heart attack and passes away.
The movie shall be titled "Die Hard with a Vengeance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p80yl/im_making_a_movie_about_a_man_whos_been_cheated_on/
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A friend asked me to do their hair for a rastafarian party...

I'm dreading it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7z8j/a_friend_asked_me_to_do_their_hair_for_a/
%
A father and son whale are watching the sun set in the Atlantic Ocean

. The son whale then asks his father "Where did I come from?" The father whale replies "From my penis, son." The son sighs and says "Thanks dad." The father whale smiles and says "You're whale cum son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7z4a/a_father_and_son_whale_are_watching_the_sun_set/
%
Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?

A: Her wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7y65/q_what_food_diminishes_a_womans_sex_drive_by_90/
%
George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.

God asks Bush: “What do you believe in?”
Bush replies: “I believe in a free economy, a strong America, the American nation and so on ...”
God is impressed by Bush and tells him: “Great, come sit on the chair on my right.”
God goes to Obama and asks: “What do you believe in?”
Obama replies: “I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. ...”
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: “Well done, come sit on the chair on my left.”
Finally, God asks Trump: “What do you believe in”?
Trump replies: “I believe you're sitting on my chair.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7wey/george_bush_barack_obama_and_donald_trump_are/
%
Did you hear about how James Bond slept through an earthquake?

He was shaken, not stirred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7pv4/did_you_hear_about_how_james_bond_slept_through/
%
Anthropologists found a group of people whose religion forbids them from being angry

They're called the Nomads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7o10/anthropologists_found_a_group_of_people_whose/
%
A man walks into a bar

and orders 10 shots of whiskey.  The bartender pours them and the man immediately downs them one after another.  The bartender says " are you ok, I've never seen anyone drink like that."  The man replied "if you had what I have you would drink like that too."  The bartender asks "that's rough, what do you have?"
The man replies "about $.50".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7nv2/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A rabbit walks into a men's clothing store...

And the clerk says,"May I help you, sir?"
"Yes", says the rabbit. "I'd like a BLT with some coleslaw please."
"I'm sorry sir", says the clerk," but we don't have that here."
"Oh, ok.", says the slightly deflated rabbit. "I guess I'll have a house salad."
"Sir," replies the slightly annoyed clerk," we don't have that. Is there something else I can help you with?"
"Well," says the rabbit," in that case I'll just have a bowl of tomato soup."
The clerk is now incensed. "Sir, we don't have food!  The sign outside clearly says 'men's clothing store'! Can't you read?"
"Listen, buddy", says the rabbit,"if I could read, I would have asked you for a menu!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7lfi/a_rabbit_walks_into_a_mens_clothing_store/
%
A zombie walks into a bar

Bartender says "we don't serve zombies here" to which the zombie replies "that's fine, is the human fresh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7jk0/a_zombie_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man meets a finds a genie lamp in a thrift store...

And after giving it a quick rub, a genie pops out!
"I am Shazam, I and I will grant you a wish. Money, fame, I can give you anything. Even a bigger dick if you so desire."
"Well, my wife has been complaining about my sex recently, so why not," he replies.
"Very well then. In the next 24 hours, anyone that apologizes to you will increase your penis length by one centimeter," the genie explains.
The man immediately calls up a his internet provider and asks them for a discount on his bill.
"I'm sorry, but we can't do that," the lady at the call center responds. Lo and behold, the man gets a tingly feeling and his penis grows! Excited, he goes into Chinatown and bumps into as many people as possible. Success! For every mumbled apology, he  feels his member enlargen. All of this walking tires him out, and he decides to get dinner to celebrate his good fortune. Naturally, the restaurant is crowded being in Chinatown, and the waiters barely have space to move. While reviewing the menu, a server walks by and trips over his chair, spilling hot soup all over the man.
"One thousand pardons!" the waiter exclaims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7ijz/a_man_meets_a_finds_a_genie_lamp_in_a_thrift_store/
%
An airplane was about to crash...

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Lionel Messi, the best footballer in the world. My millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7hw9/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash/
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Or What ?

Man: Doctor, my wife is not having sex with me at all.
Doctor: Really? Ask her to come see me tomorrow then.
The man's wife goes to the doctor the following day.
Doctor: Your husband tells me you’re not having sex with him?
Wife: Oh, my dear doctor, what can I tell you? I work throughout the day and the salary I receive is so little that it’s not even enough to pay our bills. I wake up very early every morning, extremely tired, and go to work without even having breakfast. We don’t have a car, so I take a taxi every morning to work. The taxi driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay your fare today, or what?’  I tell him, ‘or what’. So, to get done with the ‘or what’, I usually arrive late for work. At work, my boss tells, ‘You’re late today. Shall we deduct a day’s work from your salary, or what?’ I tell him, ‘or what’. After finishing the ‘or what’ and the day’s work, I take another taxi to return home. The taxi driver tells me, ‘Do you have money today, or what?’  I tell him, ‘or what’. So, you see, doctor, by the time I get home, I have no more energy left for sex.
Doctor: Ah! I now understand the situation perfectly. So, what do you want me to do? Shall I tell your husband, or what ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7gto/or_what/
%
Some monks were selling flowers outside the playboy mansion

Hugh Hefner realises this and puts a stop to it as they are on his property and welcoming tourists. The local news catches wind of this and goes to interview the monks.
The reporter asks "do you think you will set up shop somewhere else?"
And the monks reply "oh yes, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7g2o/some_monks_were_selling_flowers_outside_the/
%
A blonde goes to court

.
Eventually the judge says: “I hereby declare the case closed. There is not enough evidence that you stole the 10000 US$.”
The blonde is thrilled: “Gosh, so does that mean I can keep the money?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7eyy/a_blonde_goes_to_court/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7c7w/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
I went into a book shop and asked for a book about turtles

"Hardback" said the woman behind the counter
"Yes" I replied, "and small heads"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7bpe/i_went_into_a_book_shop_and_asked_for_a_book/
%
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p7blm/did_you_hear_about_the_two_thieves_who_stole_a/
%
"I'm done with this shit."

He thought as he closed Reddit, locked his phone and stood up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p75q4/im_done_with_this_shit/
%
Buying yourself an Uber gift card is ironic.

Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p73bi/buying_yourself_an_uber_gift_card_is_ironic/
%
Father Son Bonding

A teen boy hears his mother screaming late one night, walks into his parents bedroom and is horrified when the boy sees his father going at his mom from behind... the father turns his head and notices the boy. Without stopping, the dad smiles and winks at his son then waves at him to leave the room. The boy, in shock, closes the door and goes to bed clearly distraught. A few nights later the father is walking past the boys bedroom and hears some loud banging coming from inside his room. The dad has a slight grin on his face and decides he wants to poke his head in to see what's really going on in there. He looks in drops his jaw and yells "What are you doing? Are you crazy!?" The boy looks back smiles and says "It's not so funny when it's YOUR MOTHER is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p731p/father_son_bonding/
%
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son.
Son: Ok! I watched a DVD at my mates.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Kung Fu Panda.
The robot slaps the son again.
Son: Ok! It was a Porno.
Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!
The robot slaps the Dad.
Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he’s your son.
The robot slaps the mom...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p70o4/a_man_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps_people/
%
The king of a very rich kingdom wants his daughter to get married...

...but she is a very particular girl and only wants to marry the most courageous man in the kingdom.
Wanting to see his daughter happy the king sets up a test that any man in the kingdom could come and try to beat: The Pit of Doom. A huge square pit is dug right outside the palace and filled with all the most vile and dangerous creatures the kingdom has to offer. Any man willing to participate would have to cross this pit and make it out alive to claim the princess as his prize.
Word spreads about the Pit of Doom and while many men are interested, fear gets the best of them and a couple days pass without a single attempt.
After a week of waiting the King finally sees some guy jump into the pit and start running! The people surrounding the pit start cheering as this guy is running for his life, somehow avoiding most of the danger in the pit. After 10 minutes he emerges with his clothes torn and his body battered, but still alive.
The king runs over to him and says "You have done it! You will receive my daughter's hand in marriage!"
While trying to catch his breath the man looks up and says "I...don't...want.. that"
Puzzled, the king looks and him and says "You don't want that?? Okay, well there must be a prize you want after a courageous act like that. How about I give you rule over your own city in the kingdom?"
Again out of breath the man looks up and says "I...dont...want...that"
Looking even more puzzled the king goes "What?? Okay what if I give you your own Castle filled with gold to keep you wealthy for generations to come?"
Again the man goes "I...dont...want...that"
Now on the brink of anger the king goes "Well if none of those things seem attractive to you then what the hell do you want?!?!"
The man looks up after finally catching his breath and goes "I just want to find the son of a bitch who pushed me in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p70cf/the_king_of_a_very_rich_kingdom_wants_his/
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What do you call a forty something guy who masturbates all the time?

Married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p6zta/what_do_you_call_a_forty_something_guy_who/
%
Gay guys in wheelchairs are like tomatoes.

Are they a fruit, or are they a vegetable?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p6q8e/gay_guys_in_wheelchairs_are_like_tomatoes/
%
What are the guard dogs of trump called ?

Trumpets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p6naj/what_are_the_guard_dogs_of_trump_called/
%
Why did the old lady fall into the well?

She didn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p6hba/why_did_the_old_lady_fall_into_the_well/
%
What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?

"I'll be home in 20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p6gn4/what_does_bill_clinton_say_to_hillary_after_sex/
%
What do you call an underwater adventure with a Great Dane?

Scooby-Diving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p6dm1/what_do_you_call_an_underwater_adventure_with_a/
%
Genie: What is your first wish?

joe: i want to be rich.
genie: granted. what is your second wish?
rich: i want lots of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p6cpu/genie_what_is_your_first_wish/
%
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and an awkward white kid?

A Michaelceratops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p6cgu/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dinosaur_and_an/
%
"Knock Knock...."

"Who's there?"
"Jehovah's Witness"
"Jehovah's Witness who?"
"Oh, ugh.... sorry, I've never gotten this far before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p6c9e/knock_knock/
%
I was in a cab today and the cab driver said...

"I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said, "Turn left."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p6bjw/i_was_in_a_cab_today_and_the_cab_driver_said/
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A girl realized that she had grown hair.....

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p67z8/a_girl_realized_that_she_had_grown_hair/
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A woman brings her budgie to the vet's.

It is lying very still and limp. "I'm afraid it's dead" says the vet, but the woman refuses to believe him. "Please", she says, "can't you examine it at least?" The vet goes to the door and whistles. In trots a black Labrador. The vet points to the budgie, and the dog goes over to the table, puts his paws up, and gives a good sniff at the little bird, before shaking his head at the vet and trotting out again. Then a tabby cat comes in. It jumps on the table, walks over to the budgie, and examines it, flipping it over with its paw. It too shakes its at the vet and leaves the room.
"I'm afraid that confirms my diagnosis," says the vet. "Your budgie is unfortunately dead. That will be £500 please." "What?!" Says the woman. "That's outrageous. How can it cost so much?" "Well," replies the vet, "my fee is only £50. But when you include the lab report and the CAT scan..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p67yn/a_woman_brings_her_budgie_to_the_vets/
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What do you do when someone has a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in your laundry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p67q9/what_do_you_do_when_someone_has_a_seizure_in_the/
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I wanted to watch the inauguration today

But Eisenhower late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p671b/i_wanted_to_watch_the_inauguration_today/
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A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat..

Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p66e9/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat/
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An Eskimo took his snowmobile to the mechanic

The mechanic tells the Eskimo that diagnostics will take a couple of hours. The Eskimo walks around town while he waits.
When the Eskimo gets back to the shop, the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal".
The Eskimo says "No, I was eating ice cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p64l4/an_eskimo_took_his_snowmobile_to_the_mechanic/
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A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p5ylx/a_physicist_engineer_and_mathematician_are_asked/
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If there's one good thing about the election of Trump, it's the greatly lowered odds of being attacked by Russia.

After all, they're not going to key their own car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p5xfr/if_theres_one_good_thing_about_the_election_of/
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"When I learned how to edit videos I felt like the Flash..."

Friend: "Why, because you fast learner?"
Me: "No, because I fucked up the timeline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p5w0k/when_i_learned_how_to_edit_videos_i_felt_like_the/
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If someone tries to shoot the President...

The Secret Service will have to yell "Donald duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p5r1g/if_someone_tries_to_shoot_the_president/
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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!"
Credit to /u/Cruzinspeed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p5qfq/little_johnny_returns_from_school_and_says_he_got/
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can·ni·bal ˈkanəb(ə)l/ noun

Someone that is fed up with people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p5pr5/cannibal_ˈkanəbəl_noun/
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If wrestlers have biceps, and bodybuilders have triceps, what do surgeons have?

Forceps
(I hate my shit life)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p5mhn/if_wrestlers_have_biceps_and_bodybuilders_have/
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An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.

He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p5l18/an_old_arab_lived_close_to_new_york_city_for_more/
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A tourist in Spain goes to a restaurant and notices another man eating something odd.

Interested in savoring the local cuisine, he calls the waiter over. "Excuse me," he says, "what is that man having?"
The waiter says, "Bull testicles. As you know, bullfights are common here in Spain. After the fight is over the testicles are removed and served here."
Intrigued, the man asks, "Can I have that same dish, please?"
The waiter says, "No sir, I'm afraid not. You see, there is only one bullfight per day. But I can reserve tomorrow's pair for you if you'd like."
"Okay, I'll come back tomorrow," he says.
The next day the man goes back into the restaurant and places his order. After a few minutes the waiter comes back with the man's dish.
He looks down at the plate in surprise and asks, "Why are these so much smaller than the ones I saw yesterday?"
"Because today, sir, the bull won."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p5kdw/a_tourist_in_spain_goes_to_a_restaurant_and/
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What do you get if you bake weed into apple pastry?

A high turnover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p5i8q/what_do_you_get_if_you_bake_weed_into_apple_pastry/
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Where do poor meatballs live?

The spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p5i6v/where_do_poor_meatballs_live/
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Donald Trump had a great inauguration speech

It sounds like he Putin a lot of practice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p5fn3/donald_trump_had_a_great_inauguration_speech/
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News: Trump inauguration met with record high temperatures.

451 degrees Fahrenheit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p5eub/news_trump_inauguration_met_with_record_high/
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Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p5axw/everyone_is_talking_about_how_the_inaugural/
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Why was everyone shivering at the inauguration?

Because it's a cold day in hell....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p50yo/why_was_everyone_shivering_at_the_inauguration/
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When you tell Optimus Prime a joke, what do you hear?

Vehicular man's laughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4xvd/when_you_tell_optimus_prime_a_joke_what_do_you/
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Police are pepper spraying protesters at the Inauguration today.

I don't know if that is to hurt them, or just give them all Orange Face?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4v7t/police_are_pepper_spraying_protesters_at_the/
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A man goes to the doctor and he says "Doctor, Doctor you've got to help me...

A man goes to the doctor and he says "Doctor, Doctor you've got to help me, I can't stop singing what's new pussycat"
The doctor says "Seems like a textbook case of Tom Jones syndrome"
The man says "Well, what is it? Is it rare"
And the doctor goes "Well, It's not unusual"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4uky/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_he_says_doctor/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican are in a hot air balloon.

They're running out of fuel, and losing height, having already thrown all of their ballast overboard.
A range of mountains is coming up in the distance, and they need to lose weight the clear them.
As they come up to the first mountain peaks, the Englishman declares "This is what Churchill would have done" and jumps out, and the balloon clears the range.
Another range is coming up, and they need to gain more height. The Frenchman declares "This is what Napoleon would have done" and jumps out, and the balloon clears the range.
They're coming up to the final range they need to clear and again need to gain more height, and proudly the American declares "This is what Trump would have done" and chucks the Mexican out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4u8w/an_englishman_a_frenchman_an_american_and_a/
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Reminder to all Americans:

Remember to set your clock back by 75 years today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4rq8/reminder_to_all_americans/
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What did the blonde name her pet Zebra?

Spot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4rot/what_did_the_blonde_name_her_pet_zebra/
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I'm dating a half-Asian girl.

Her mom's Korean and her dad's Korean, and her legs got torn off in a car accident.
- Dan Mintz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4rnr/im_dating_a_halfasian_girl/
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Scientists Have Isolated a Single Unit of Potato and Taught it to Use 4chan

They've named the project Channing Tatum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4quh/scientists_have_isolated_a_single_unit_of_potato/
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What do a good bar and a woman have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4p7q/what_do_a_good_bar_and_a_woman_have_in_common/
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I will be in a bathroom stall later today to watch Trump's inauguration...

...it will forever be remembered as the day shit went down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4lhz/i_will_be_in_a_bathroom_stall_later_today_to/
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I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4lb2/i_have_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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Bank Robbery Gone Bad

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.  On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said:"My wife got a pretty good look at you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4ibh/bank_robbery_gone_bad/
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I'd tell you guys a Casey Anthony joke..

But my mother would kill me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4fmr/id_tell_you_guys_a_casey_anthony_joke/
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American tourists visit Russia...

... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.
Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking vodka. Suddenly they see screaming crazy Americans running over the campsite, tipping over the picknick tables, breaking bottles, and then disappearing into the thick woods.
The campers are pissed, so they catch up on the tourists and start beating them up until the last one hits the ground. Then they return to the campsite.
Back at the campsite one camper to another "You know Vassily, that American - he put up a pretty good fight". "Which one?". "Well you know, the one in the fur coat".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4eua/american_tourists_visit_russia/
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How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4ep1/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
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What do The Bible and Trump have in Common?

... Their messages should not be taken literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4d4l/what_do_the_bible_and_trump_have_in_common/
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I got into an awkward situation by having an erection at the office.

I was hard at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p48nq/i_got_into_an_awkward_situation_by_having_an/
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What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?

Thanks for the mammaries!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p482i/what_did_the_baby_say_to_its_mother_after/
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A couple is at the supermarket

As they arrive at the alcohol section, the man wants to put vodka and beers in the cart.
His girlfriend says no, pretending it's the end of the month, and they haven't much money left.
- "but you took tons of make-up" objects the guy.
- "yeah" says the woman, "but it's for looking beautiful, that way you'll love me more."
To which the man responds "ehh, vodka would do the same thing, while being cheaper !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p462o/a_couple_is_at_the_supermarket/
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Well, you won't get called a racist for criticizing the President anymore...

...you'll just get called a racist for supporting him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p43ij/well_you_wont_get_called_a_racist_for_criticizing/
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"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p43fi/i_remember_one_time_i_brought_my_report_card_home/
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Well, it's Inauguration Day in America....

It's gonna be a great mourning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p43fc/well_its_inauguration_day_in_america/
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How many contractors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'll let you know when one of them calls me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p4256/how_many_contractors_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Did you hear about the bomb that blew up a French cheese shop?

There's de brie everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p41c4/did_you_hear_about_the_bomb_that_blew_up_a_french/
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What's it called when you remember a good meme?

A Memento

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3zkc/whats_it_called_when_you_remember_a_good_meme/
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I had a dream that a piece of poo was screaming and yelling at me.

That shit was crazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3xus/i_had_a_dream_that_a_piece_of_poo_was_screaming/
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What do you call a thug Australian mammal?

a gang-aroo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3ue4/what_do_you_call_a_thug_australian_mammal/
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The inauguration is today...

Trump: Unprecedented
Obama: Un-Presidented

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3rzn/the_inauguration_is_today/
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A man purchases a lie detector that will slap you if you are lying...

A man purchases a lie detector that will slap you if you are lying. The detector is a small robot. He tries it at dinner for the first time.
Father: 'Hey son, what you've done this morning?'
Son: 'I was in school.'
*Robot slaps son*
Son: 'Okay, I've been watchin a movie in the cinema.'
Father: 'Which movie have you watched?'
Son: 'Toy Story.'
*Robot slaps son*
Son: 'Okay, okay - it was a porn.'
Father: 'What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!'
*Robot slaps father*
Mom: 'Like father, like son.'
*Robot slaps mom*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3rqw/a_man_purchases_a_lie_detector_that_will_slap_you/
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My girlfriend came out of the shower

and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?"
I said yeah,"the damn drain is clogged again!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3rm5/my_girlfriend_came_out_of_the_shower/
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There was a post on r/aww saying that a hug is worth a 1000 words...

This is why i hugged my teacher 3 times instead of giving him my 3000 thousand essays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3qvp/there_was_a_post_on_raww_saying_that_a_hug_is/
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It was so cold this morning...

I actually saw a solicitor with hands in his own pockets!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3qdj/it_was_so_cold_this_morning/
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The Sun doesn't need to go to college

Because it already has 28 million degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3phx/the_sun_doesnt_need_to_go_to_college/
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If you spell race car backwards...

You get what Honda owners wish they had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3nky/if_you_spell_race_car_backwards/
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A new teacher was trying to......

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3ncg/a_new_teacher_was_trying_to/
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I have my world history final today.

Which makes sense, considering it's also the final day of world history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3mc7/i_have_my_world_history_final_today/
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What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits untill you are 14 before it comes in your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3l60/what_is_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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A guy in a plane stood up & shouted “HIJACK!”

All passengers got scared . . . Then from the other end of the plane a guy shouted back, . . . “Hi JOHN”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3l45/a_guy_in_a_plane_stood_up_shouted_hijack/
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Someone asked a ship captain if the rumor that he can't swim is true.

"Yes," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3jgi/someone_asked_a_ship_captain_if_the_rumor_that_he/
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Q: What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school?

A: How should I know? I just fly the drones.
A lot of you probably heard this before. I heard it for the first time and felt like sharing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3jey/q_what_is_the_difference_between_an_isis_boot/
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How do they promote safe sex in Wales?

They put signs next to the sheep that kick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3h56/how_do_they_promote_safe_sex_in_wales/
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Who are the best readers in the world?

Suicide jumpers : hundreds of stories in a few seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3e0d/who_are_the_best_readers_in_the_world/
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father and his 6-year-old son

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.
The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3cxs/father_and_his_6yearold_son/
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Why can't America play chess?

Because they already lost their two towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3bwl/why_cant_america_play_chess/
%
Why is slave trade illegal

Because it's a black market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3bsi/why_is_slave_trade_illegal/
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Why do white people own so many pets?

Because we’re not allowed to own people anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3boc/why_do_white_people_own_so_many_pets/
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I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3b8x/i_always_shave_my_beard_after_having_sex/
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Trump's statement regarding China

Trump: "In little over a week when I take office, China will fall into a slump. Factories will shut down, shops will close, stock markets will not trade, and government will grind to a halt.The wealthy will flee overseas with their families, citizens desperately trade their currency for food, doors all across the country will be plastered with red notices and the empty streets will reek of lingering gunpowder. The people, with nothing to do will turn to day-long drinking and gambling. Children will roam the streets begging for money. So sad."
&nbsp;
China foreign ministry: "That's Chinese New Year, dumbass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3a3s/trumps_statement_regarding_china/
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A man starts a bakery

[Sorry if this joke sucks]
A man quits his tech career to pursue a life of pastry creation. After careful consideration, he picks the location, sources his ingredients, and crafts the recipes.
Everything seems in order, except for one strange fact: all his employees are hookers.
This raises more than one eyebrow, and the bakery has a rough opening. Once the neighbors give it a try though, it is a huge hit, and word quickly spreads. His business prospers wildly and he wins best new business of the year.
The local newspaper comes to interview him. "What's your secret?!" the journalist asks.
"Simple," says the man. "Everything is ho-made."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p38bg/a_man_starts_a_bakery/
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What do a load of bricks and a 300 lb woman have in common?

At some point they'll both be laid by a Mexican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p37h8/what_do_a_load_of_bricks_and_a_300_lb_woman_have/
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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says

“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p377b/a_man_in_scotland_calls_his_son_in_london_the_day/
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A plant fell on my head...

I'm alright though, it was no big dill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p3395/a_plant_fell_on_my_head/
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One wind turbine says to another "what music do you like?"

"well I'm a big metal fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p338o/one_wind_turbine_says_to_another_what_music_do/
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A blonde buys a car.

She drives it home then goes to bed. The next morning she goes to work. After working all day she leaves at eleven o clock at night. She gets inside her car starts it up, but the car won't go she calls a mechanic and he tows the car to his garage and looks at it and says there is nothing wrong with the car. He asks if she knows hot to shift properly and she said of course! I use D for day and N for night!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p333t/a_blonde_buys_a_car/
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I once asked a girl if she smoked after sex.

She said "I don't know, I've never looked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p301u/i_once_asked_a_girl_if_she_smoked_after_sex/
%
My Muslim girlfriend broke up with me the other day. She'll come to regret it.

She just doesn't know what jihad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2w88/my_muslim_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_the_other/
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An insect just flew into my bedroom and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy Long Legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2v8z/an_insect_just_flew_into_my_bedroom_and_exploded/
%
The Energizer Bunny was recently arrested.

He was charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2r11/the_energizer_bunny_was_recently_arrested/
%
A little boy walks into his parents'.....

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2plx/a_little_boy_walks_into_his_parents/
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Wife: Why do you go......

Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2lmz/wife_why_do_you_go/
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Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A: One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2lf1/q_what_is_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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A woman is at home when she......

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2gyl/a_woman_is_at_home_when_she/
%
I will never vaccinate my child.

I'd rather a doctor or nurse do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2fm8/i_will_never_vaccinate_my_child/
%
(Long Joke) Three men died, and arrived at the Pearly Gates for judgement...

3 men died and arrived at the Pearly Gates for judgement. St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now, if they had a really bad death.  He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.
The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, because I suspected my wife was cheating on me.  There she was, naked at the say she was born. I look around, and spot two hands gripping the balcony.  There's a man hanging from my balcony, in just his underwear, 25 floors above the ground! I step on the bastards fingers, he won't let go. I bite his fingers, he wouldn't let go. Finally I grab a hammer, that did the trick and he fell.  But then the lucky bastard landed in some bushes and survived!!  So I yanked the fridge loose, shoved it over the balcony, and it landed directly on the bastard!  But I'm afraid all that exertion gave me a heart attack, so here I am."
St. Peter decided that was a bad enough death and let him in, then proceeded to get the second guys story.  The man looked quite confused.
"I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building. I work the night shift, so I wake up in the early afternoon. I had just woken up, and was doing my excercises on my balcony when I slipped. But thank God, I caught the railing on the balcony below mine. I was saved!  There I was, hanging 25 floors above the ground, when suddenly this crazy man came out screaming. He stepped on my fingers, I held on. He bit my fingers, I held on still.  But then the bastard grabbed a hammer! I couldn't handle that and I let go.  Just as I expected to die, I landed in some bushes and lived!! It was a miracle!  As I started to thank God for letting me live, this fridge just falls out of the sky and lands on me.  So here I am."
St. Peter decided that was definitely a bad death and lets him in. Then he asks the last guy for his story, this man also looked confused.
"Picture this:  I'm hiding naked inside a fridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2e94/long_joke_three_men_died_and_arrived_at_the/
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Girls are like blackjack

I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 16.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2d2l/girls_are_like_blackjack/
%
A guy went on a business trip.

A businessman with a wife and two kids was going on a business trip. His wife remind him to call her when he arrived at the hotel, to know if he arrived safely. When he arrived at the hotel he is given the the best room, which is on the top floor. The room had everything, multiple beds, TV, wifi and complimentary drinks. Excitedly the businessman picks up the phone to call his wife. Unfortunately, because of his excitement he dialed the wrong number. On the other end of the line was a recently widowed wife, who had just finished her husband funeral ceremony. The widow picks up the phone and says.
Widow: Hello?
Businessman: HI Honey! its me, i'm calling just to tell you that everything is great here. The view from up here is beautiful, they also have wifi and everything. You should join me and don't forget to bring the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2bjd/a_guy_went_on_a_business_trip/
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Father Son bonding

A teen boy hears his mother screaming late one night, walks into his parents bedroom and is horrified when the boy sees his father banging his mother from behind... the father turns his head and notices the boy. Without stopping, the dad smiles and winks at his son then waves at him to leave the room. The boy, in shock, closes the door and goes to bed clearly distraught.
A few nights later the father is walking past the boys bedroom and hears some loud banging coming from inside his room. The dad has a slight grin on his face and decides he wants to poke his head in to see what's really going on in there. He looks in drops his jaw and yells "What the fuck do you think you're doing? Are you fucking crazy?" The boy looks back mid stroke smiles and says "It's not so funny when it's YOUR MOTHER is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2b3a/father_son_bonding/
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What is the past tense of blink?

___

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2aic/what_is_the_past_tense_of_blink/
%
Where do witches and wizards shop?

Voldemart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p29du/where_do_witches_and_wizards_shop/
%
What do you call a person who enjoy mondays?

Unemployed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p29cw/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_enjoy_mondays/
%
Got too much pain from watching Power Rangers

Guess it's morphine time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p27ac/got_too_much_pain_from_watching_power_rangers/
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Spent over an Hour at the wife's grave this Morning

Bless her, She thinks I'm Digging a Pond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2739/spent_over_an_hour_at_the_wifes_grave_this_morning/
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Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt.

"Well sir, it *is* fresh ground."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p260q/waiter_this_coffee_tastes_like_dirt/
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Q: Is Google a he or a she?

A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p254h/q_is_google_a_he_or_a_she/
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After nearly 50 years of marriage...

...a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p20rg/after_nearly_50_years_of_marriage/
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The Surrogate

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - considering their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began to nibble on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'You mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes..
Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs Smith fainted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p2005/the_surrogate/
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When does a lawyer make coffee?

When he has sufficient grounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1x2c/when_does_a_lawyer_make_coffee/
%
Why do bees have sticky hair?

they use honeycombs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1tk1/why_do_bees_have_sticky_hair/
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Not Here To Swim...

My uncle Mike owns hundreds of acres of land. In a back corner of that land there is a small lake surrounded by peach trees. One day he decides he'll pick some peaches and relax by the water. So he grabs a peach bucket and starts toward the lake. As he gets closer he hears women screaming and thinking something is wrong he sprints to the lake but to his surprise he finds three girls skinny-dipping. As soon as he gets to the shore the three girls see him and swim to the middle of the lake. They yell, "You're not coming in and we're not coming out until you leave." So thinking fast he holds up the bucket and says, "I'm not here to swim. I'm here to feed the alligators!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1sta/not_here_to_swim/
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I once dated a girl with twelve nipples

Sounds weird, dozentit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1m1o/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_twelve_nipples/
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Who ever stands up is stupid

The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1llm/who_ever_stands_up_is_stupid/
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3 drunk guys entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said "We have reached your destination", the 1st guy give him money and 2nd guy said "thank you", the 3rd guy slapped the driver, the driver was shocked thinking the 3rd guy knew what he did, but then he asked " what was that for ", the 3rd replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1lbu/3_drunk_guys_entered_a_taxi/
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The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1l3h/the_country_would_be_a_lot_better_off_if_the/
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A rave is being thrown at the White House tonight inauguration of the new President

ft. DJ Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1kyg/a_rave_is_being_thrown_at_the_white_house_tonight/
%
I waited a long time for my testicles to descend

When one finally did I had an inaugural ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1j3v/i_waited_a_long_time_for_my_testicles_to_descend/
%
Joe wanted a Harley...

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he
hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts.
I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1h0y/joe_wanted_a_harley/
%
A police officer sees a beaten up woman laying on the ground with a man standing over her.

The woman is unconscious and clearly was injured.
"What happened to her?" asked the cop.
"The clap," said the man.
"The clap doesn't do that to people," said the cop.
"Well," said the man, "it does when you give it to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1gpu/a_police_officer_sees_a_beaten_up_woman_laying_on/
%
Why aren't broken bones a problem in India?

Everyone is already in a caste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1g34/why_arent_broken_bones_a_problem_in_india/
%
I am a waiter in need of false teeth. Do I need to look for a new job?

I don't think indentured servants are legal any more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1evw/i_am_a_waiter_in_need_of_false_teeth_do_i_need_to/
%
A husband bought his wife a new sex toy for her birthday...

and it was voice operated. It was newest model of Vibro-dick: self-propelled and voice activated.
He brought it home to his from the sex shop in a gift wrapped box with a bow. She unwrapped the box and was surprised.
"Honey, I've never used a sex toy. I don't know if I'll like."
The husband said, "Watch this. It does all the work for you."
The husband picked up the Vibro-dick and said, "Virbo-dick, the couch."
The purple dildo floated out of the box and began pounding the couch for all it was worth. The wife watched in awe. The husband walked over, grabbed it, and placed it back in the box.
"Well," the wife said, "that is impressive."
"Only the best for you, honey. All you have to do is say, 'Vibro-dick' followed by where you want it to go."
The next morning after the husband went to work, the wife decided to test her new toy. She sat the box on the floor, opened the lid, and said, "Virbo-dick, my pussy."
The Virbo-dick floated out of the box and began to fuck the ever-lovin' shit out of her. She climaxed, once, twice, three times, and it began to become painful. She grasped at it, trying to turn it off, but she couldn't turn it off.
"Vibro-dick stop! Vibro-dick turn off! Vibro dick box!"
It wouldn't stop. She came again. She called her husband, and her didn't answer. She realized that her only hope was to drive to a sex shop or somewhere and figure out how to turn it off.
She ran to her car and began driving as fast as she could.  As she reached 120 mph, a cop pulled her over.
"Thank God, there's help!"
The cop got out and walked up to her window. She was scream in pain and orgasmic please.
"What the hell are you doin', lady?"
"It's! The! Vi! Bro! Dick!"
"You were going 120 mph. You could've killed somebody!"
"It's! Not! My! Fault! It's! The! Virbo! Dick!"
"Vibro-dick? Vibro-dick, my ass"
And the Vibro-dick stopped fucking her and floated out of the car...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1eup/a_husband_bought_his_wife_a_new_sex_toy_for_her/
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I tried to post a joke about foreskin earlier...

but it got removed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1cgn/i_tried_to_post_a_joke_about_foreskin_earlier/
%
How does Moses make coffee?

Hebrews it.
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1boi/how_does_moses_make_coffee/
%
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decaffeinated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1apa/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_just_gave_birth/
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Roses are red....

Violets are blue-ish,
If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1aai/roses_are_red/
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Smallest Head in the World

A man walks into a bar and orders a sandwich and a beer. As he's waiting, he looks over and sees a guy with the smallest head that he's ever seen. He thinks about asking him what happened but stops when he realizes it would be rude. However, after a few more beers he's loose enough to ask, so he walks up to him.
"I don't mean to be rude, but, you have the smaaallllest head I've ever seen. What happened?"
The man answers in a thin, high-pitched voice, "Well when I was young, I was in the navy, and my boat was out at sea when we got attacked. The ship went down, and I was the only one to survive. I floated for days before out of nowhere I ran into a mermaid. She took me to a nearby island and said that since I'd seen her, I got three wishes. She asked 'What is your first wish?'.
'Well,' I said, "I've been in the Navy for years. I guess more than anything, I just wish I could be home.'
The mermaid clapped her tail, and all of a sudden we were on a different beach, and out in the distance I saw my house. I started to weep.
'What's your second wish?' she asked.
I was surprised at the question 'Oh, it's so amazing to be home, and you've already done so much! I don't think I could ask for another thing.'
'Unfortunately, it's the rules, you have to ask all three or you don't get any.'
'Okay,' I said. 'I guess... well, I've always been poor. I guess I wish I didn't have to worry about money again.'
She clapped her tail, and all of a sudden money started flying out of my pockets. I couldn't believe it.
'Alright,' she said, 'what's your third wish?'
'Well, I guess if I have to ask... You are the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. I guess my third wish would be... can we make love?'
'Unfortunately, we can't do that. We're different species and it's just not possible to have sex together.'
I thought about this for a while, and then said 'Well... how about a little head?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p1813/smallest_head_in_the_world/
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A wife got so mad at her husband.....

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p15g2/a_wife_got_so_mad_at_her_husband/
%
I had a good one about boxing...

But I missed the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p15at/i_had_a_good_one_about_boxing/
%
Bad, Bad Leroy!

Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His Mother
decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She
said, "Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to
just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a
letter to Jesus and pray for one instead?" After Leroy threw a temper
tantrum, his mother sent him to his room, where he finally sat down to
write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new
bicycle.
Your friend,
Leroy.
Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really understood what kind of boy he
was - a brat - so Leroy ripped up the letter and decided to give it
another try.
Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year, and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly,
Leroy Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest either, so he tore
it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy
this year, and can I have a bicycle?
Leroy
Leroy looked deep down into his heart (which, by the way, was what
his mother really wanted). He knew he had been terrible and was
deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in
the trash can, and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about
the streets, depressed because of the way he had treated his parents.
For the first time, he really considered his actions. Leroy finally
found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He went inside and knelt
down, looking around but not knowing what he should really do. Leroy
finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all
the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small statue and ran out
the door. He went home, hid it under his bed, and wrote this letter:
Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me
a bike.
From,
You know who.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p130q/bad_bad_leroy/
%
Why are most mountain climbers hippies?

Because scalars have no direction
(OC, as far as I know)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p12ga/why_are_most_mountain_climbers_hippies/
%
Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p11f9/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth_on_his_coffee/
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A fish swimming upriver and bumps his head.

"Dam" he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p106l/a_fish_swimming_upriver_and_bumps_his_head/
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How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Staple food to the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0y0f/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_ethiopia/
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Life is like a hardcore drug.

I've taken several.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0wvl/life_is_like_a_hardcore_drug/
%
I used to be married to a girl with a wooden leg.

But then I broke it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0qyp/i_used_to_be_married_to_a_girl_with_a_wooden_leg/
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb

One, they're efficient and not very funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0qi1/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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Why don't native Americans like snow?

Because it's white and all over their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0q63/why_dont_native_americans_like_snow/
%
A farmer counted 196 cows in the pasture.

But he rounded them up and had 200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0p3j/a_farmer_counted_196_cows_in_the_pasture/
%
Why did Ray Bradbury use heated lube?

It was a pleasure to burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0os0/why_did_ray_bradbury_use_heated_lube/
%
"Son, what do you say when there's more than one goose?"

"Geese."
"Very good. What do you say when there's more than one cow?"
"Cows."
"Excellent. What do you say when there's more than one spider?"
"Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0oh1/son_what_do_you_say_when_theres_more_than_one/
%
I was telling a great joke about the importance of the guillotine in the French Revolution...

But it didn't really land.
I guess execution really is key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0o56/i_was_telling_a_great_joke_about_the_importance/
%
A poor young man needs to pay the pastor.

After dating a young lady for quite some time, a poor young man decides it is time to marry her. He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the big day arrives.
On the day of the wedding, the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. The service proceeds as planned and the vows are exchanged. It is now time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him, “Can you please pay me now?”
Not wanting to create a scene, the young man asks, “How much do I owe you?”
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, “Pay me according to your wife’s beauty.”
The young man checks his pocket. All he has is five dollars and he gives it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor realizes he has himself to blame. He continues the ceremony and says, “You may now kiss the bride .”
At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts, promptly hands the groom four dollars back, and says "here's the change".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0nb1/a_poor_young_man_needs_to_pay_the_pastor/
%
What tastes good but doesn't smell good?

A tongue.
Hehe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0l8h/what_tastes_good_but_doesnt_smell_good/
%
Is old rope good enough for a hanging?

Frayed knot. That stuff is bad noose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0gsb/is_old_rope_good_enough_for_a_hanging/
%
What kind of Olive Oil do Reddit users use to masturbate?

Extra Virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0eqm/what_kind_of_olive_oil_do_reddit_users_use_to/
%
I won a competition where you had to make as many Freudian slips as you could in sixty seconds.

It was a race against the cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0dov/i_won_a_competition_where_you_had_to_make_as_many/
%
Husband asked his wife "why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She replied "because I don't like calling you at work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p0anw/husband_asked_his_wife_why_dont_you_tell_me_when/
%
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p07ig/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
3 strings walk into a bar.

The first one orders a drink. The bartender says we don’t serve your kind in here. So the second string ties itself into a bow and proceeds to order a drink. Nope, says the bartender, you’re a string. Third string ties itself into a knot and frays each end. Orders a drink. Bartender eyes the string up and down and says, aren’t you a string? And the string says, frayed knot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p06gf/3_strings_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Men vs Women

One of the greatest differences between men and women is the reaction to the word "facial"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p06cp/men_vs_women/
%
A woman went into labour...

Just as the midwife was about to begin the delivery, the baby stuck it's head out and asked the midwife
" Are you my daddy?"
The astonished midwife was astounded and could only say
"No I'm not"
At this, the baby disappeared back inside.
The midwife called the nurse
The nurse came in and once again, the baby stuck it's head out and asked .
Are YOU my daddy?"
"NO. I am not!"
Once again back in he went.
At this point hearing all this commotion, the father came in.
Once again the little head appeared.
"Are YOU my daddy?"
"Yes I am"
The baby pushed a little until it was half out, beckoned the father to come up close
When the father was really up close, the baby reached out and stuck his finger in his fathers eye, and shouted
"Fuckin' hurts doesn't it?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p05d9/a_woman_went_into_labour/
%
What do you call a horny lightbulb?

Illumi-naughty.
;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5p013x/what_do_you_call_a_horny_lightbulb/
%
What happens when Niagara trips?

Niagara Falls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ozyoq/what_happens_when_niagara_trips/
%
Things you can say to a child as a patient in the ER but never anywhere else:

"If you don't swallow this I'l have to put it in your butt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ozxnw/things_you_can_say_to_a_child_as_a_patient_in_the/
%
What material are the Pink Panther's jeans made out of?

Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmmmm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ozsbr/what_material_are_the_pink_panthers_jeans_made/
%
The White House bar and restaurant, upon Trump's arrival, will reduce their beverage selections to just two choices:

You can get a White Russian or an Orange Julius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ozqf6/the_white_house_bar_and_restaurant_upon_trumps/
%
A man goes to the doctor

for a physical. The doctor looks him over and says "You have got to stop masturbating"
"Why?"
"Because I'm trying to give you a physical"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ozp90/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
My mom, who lives in Tennessee, always complains to me about all the chiggers there.

I was not aware there were any black Chinese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ozntc/my_mom_who_lives_in_tennessee_always_complains_to/
%
What did Scorpion say when Sub-Zero wouldn't stop pining over his ex-girlfriend?

Get Over Her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ozme2/what_did_scorpion_say_when_subzero_wouldnt_stop/
%
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ozj6o/a_young_man_and_his_date_were_parked_on_a_back/
%
Blonde goes ice fishing

A blonde decides to go ice fishing. She makes a hole in the ice and starts fishing.
Suddenly a voice from above says: “There are no fish here.”
Startled, the blonde looks around but doesn’t see anybody. She shrugs and continues.
After a while the voice comes again: “There are no fish here.”
The blonde looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?“
The voice replies,"No, this is the ice-skating rink’s maintenance manager. Seriously, there are no fish here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ozilr/blonde_goes_ice_fishing/
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Q: A word that defines "a quick, clever reply to an insult or criticism."

Sorry, this was "a riposte".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ozc0c/q_a_word_that_defines_a_quick_clever_reply_to_an/
%
My doctor diagnosed me as a delusional.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ozbwg/my_doctor_diagnosed_me_as_a_delusional/
%
I take the bus to school

So every morning I take the bus to campus. On the way, it stops by the local prison.
This morning, while we were stopped by the prison, I heard a loud crash. I look to my right and I see what used to be a window, now shattered.
I'm looking at the window, and I see some rope fly out. Following the rope, I see an inmate. A rather small inmate. As a matter of fact, the man was a dwarf.
I stared at him in awe. As he made his way down the rope towards freedom, he notice me observing him. He gave me the stink eye. I thought to myself:
Wow, that's a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oz87e/i_take_the_bus_to_school/
%
I quit the mafia to become a housekeeper

Now I’m a maid man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oz7yn/i_quit_the_mafia_to_become_a_housekeeper/
%
Why did Simba's Father die?

He didn't mufasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oz4q6/why_did_simbas_father_die/
%
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?

He was looking for a real tight seal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oyw2h/why_did_the_walrus_go_to_the_tupperware_party/
%
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie-talkie?

Stephen Hawking doesn't walkie or talkie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oyvft/whats_the_difference_between_stephen_hawking_and/
%
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on . . .

I said," You're pulling my leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oytg8/i_was_in_bed_with_a_blind_girl_last_night_and_she/
%
What's the difference between a flute and a prostitute?

Nothing, they both get fingered and are never cheap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oyqv1/whats_the_difference_between_a_flute_and_a/
%
A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery

The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"
The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."
With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oyq4g/a_man_comes_home_to_his_wife_after_winning_the/
%
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.

The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oypnl/a_man_goes_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book/
%
Flowers Again

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oypbe/flowers_again/
%
The perfect response to "there's a party in my pants and everyone's coming"

"Is it a search party?" Ba-dum-tiss..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oynpz/the_perfect_response_to_theres_a_party_in_my/
%
I went for a job at NASA yesterday.

Everything was going well until they asked me what my ambitions were.
I replied, "The sky's the limit!" and they told me to fuck off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oyl5h/i_went_for_a_job_at_nasa_yesterday/
%
On the other hand....

I wear a glove. - Michael Jackson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oyhkw/on_the_other_hand/
%
Biggest joke on Reddit

r/politics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oyh1a/biggest_joke_on_reddit/
%
I took a black shit

I took a shit this afternoon. I took a look at it, and it was black! My shit had never come out that color before, and I had no idea what to do. So I did what I always do when I don't know what else to do: I called my father.
I call him up at work. He picked up and I said, "Hey Dad - you're not going to believe this, but I just took a shit and it's black!"
He responded back, "Hey Bobby - you're not going to believe this, but I'm in a meeting, and you're on speaker phone!"
This might be one of my favorite jokes of all time. Courtesy of Robert Schimmel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oygwf/i_took_a_black_shit/
%
I invented a new word the other day.

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oyfl1/i_invented_a_new_word_the_other_day/
%
Why are jerks nice sometimes?

Standard deviation of the mean
(OC, as far as I know)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oyfg6/why_are_jerks_nice_sometimes/
%
Super bowl tickets

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."
*this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oydvt/super_bowl_tickets/
%
A man finds himself talking to God...

A man finds himself talking to God, so he asks Him a few questions.
Man: "God, what are a million years like to you?"
God: "Son, to me, a million years are like a second."
Man: "God, what are a million dollars like to you?"
God: "Son, to me, a million dollars are like a single penny."
Man: "God, can I have a million dollars?"
God: "Sure - just a sec..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oydbs/a_man_finds_himself_talking_to_god/
%
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oyczk/the_friend_said_then_whats_the_problem/
%
A girl asked me if I was into anal sex...

I said I've never tried it, but I figure it'd be fucking shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oyc8z/a_girl_asked_me_if_i_was_into_anal_sex/
%
A man says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad."

She thinks for a minute then replies, "you have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oyc3b/a_man_says_to_his_wife_i_bet_you_cant_tell_me/
%
It's very easy to clean yourself to the tune of "Uptown Funk".

Don't believe me? Just wash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oyaue/its_very_easy_to_clean_yourself_to_the_tune_of/
%
What do you call a bundle of bread sticks?

a faguette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oyass/what_do_you_call_a_bundle_of_bread_sticks/
%
I like my women like I like my golf score

In the low 80s with a slight handicap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oya3l/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_golf_score/
%
THE WINE TASTER!

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oy90x/the_wine_taster/
%
schrodinger's joke.

It's funny and not funny at the same time, until you tell it to someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oy8ju/schrodingers_joke/
%
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oy7yy/what_gets_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
%
Why can't blondes finish software updates?

They can never find the "any" key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oy446/why_cant_blondes_finish_software_updates/
%
What's the difference between a Clinton inauguration and a Wu-Tang reunion?

There's a chance of another Wu-Tang Reunion happening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oy2fs/whats_the_difference_between_a_clinton/
%
There was a peephole found in the women's restroom at work

the boss is looking into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oy2e5/there_was_a_peephole_found_in_the_womens_restroom/
%
Where do you hide if you kill a black man?

Behind a badge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oy0gh/where_do_you_hide_if_you_kill_a_black_man/
%
What is Donald Trump's favourite nursery rhyme?

Barack a bye baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oxx6l/what_is_donald_trumps_favourite_nursery_rhyme/
%
Don't get into an argument in an elevator

it could escalate very quickly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oxruv/dont_get_into_an_argument_in_an_elevator/
%
How do you organize a party in space?

You planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oxqsq/how_do_you_organize_a_party_in_space/
%
Difference between I.T and management!

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oxnlc/difference_between_it_and_management/
%
Dad called me a cunt

I always buy him socks for Xmas. I said, "you bastard, it's the thought that counts." I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oxmce/dad_called_me_a_cunt/
%
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down.....

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.
The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oxm4p/a_father_and_his_6yearold_son_are_walking_down/
%
My wife found out that our dog could hardly hear...

My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”
Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
The pharmacist said, “Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oxm1a/my_wife_found_out_that_our_dog_could_hardly_hear/
%
What rhymes with orange

No it doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oxhtt/what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
I went to the doctor today for a prostate exam.

It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, until I realized both his hands were on my shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oxfh4/i_went_to_the_doctor_today_for_a_prostate_exam/
%
Back in the day, I used to be a trampoline tester...

It had its ups and downs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oxd70/back_in_the_day_i_used_to_be_a_trampoline_tester/
%
The man approached the very beautiful woman.....

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ox9t4/the_man_approached_the_very_beautiful_woman/
%
Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar

The bartender tells him, "We don't serve superconductors here."
He leaves without resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ox7y1/yttriumbariumcopper_oxide_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What does the fat cow give you?

Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?"
Students: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"
Students: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Students: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ox6o5/what_does_the_fat_cow_give_you/
%
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad........

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ox57o/one_night_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_sad/
%
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...

After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.
"What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim.
"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks."
The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out.
The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ox4jp/a_new_yorker_a_nebraskan_a_georgian_and_a/
%
Slept like a baby last night

Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ox2dg/slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
%
A husband and wife.....

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The husband said, "No sweetie."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owyno/a_husband_and_wife/
%
I just got off the phone with a charity that wanted my old clothes for folks starving in Africa. Well, I think it is a scam.

Anyone that can wear my clothes sure ain't starving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owwaq/i_just_got_off_the_phone_with_a_charity_that/
%
What did the anti-vaccer say to her son?

I miss you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owvy0/what_did_the_antivaccer_say_to_her_son/
%
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owvs2/little_april_was_not_the_best_student_in_sunday/
%
Who is the most cowardly knight in all the land?

Sir Ender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owszy/who_is_the_most_cowardly_knight_in_all_the_land/
%
Never panic, there's always a solution

In a store in US, a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.
The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.
So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him.
So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?"
To this the boy said, "I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!"
The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Brazil!!".
To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ows4t/never_panic_theres_always_a_solution/
%
Punctuation can really change a sentence.

For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes "Let's eat punctuation".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ows12/punctuation_can_really_change_a_sentence/
%
How does a nice guy change a light bulb?

He doesn't. He just compliments it and then gets pissed when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owpow/how_does_a_nice_guy_change_a_light_bulb/
%
A woman asks her husband

, "What did you think of me when you first met me?" The husband replies, "I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owlek/a_woman_asks_her_husband/
%
I watched a documentary on marijuana

It was very enjoyable. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owlcu/i_watched_a_documentary_on_marijuana/
%
I created a new joke and a new word today

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owl39/i_created_a_new_joke_and_a_new_word_today/
%
Y'all know Bill, right?

Bill was bragging to his boss a day ago "You know, I know a lot of pals. A *lot*. Pick any guy, famous or not, and I probably know him."
To confront this boring boasting, his boss calls his bluff. "Ok Bill, how about Tom Hanks?"
"No worry boss," says Bill, "Tom is an old pal of my own, I will show you" So Bill and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Hanks's door, and Tom Hanks shouts,
"Bill! What's going on? You must sit down with us, drink a pint!"
Although this was most stunning, Bill's boss was still curious, for what if Bill was just lucky?
"No, no, which pal should I show you now?"
"Hmph, Donald Trump" says his boss quickly.
"Trump is my most classic bud, now fly us to Washington!" which his boss did.
At that official building of our Constitutional hub, Trump spots Bill and his boss and motions both guys towards him, saying "Bill, what a random hookup, I was on my way to an important chat, but you and your pal must go in and drink a bit of sud with us, and catch up!"
At this point, that boss was shook but still not totally undoubting. So that boss says to Bill "What about that holy man Francis?
"Unconditionally! Pals for so long, many months, that holy man and I." And so his boss took Bill to Italy.
In that Vatican's hangout, standing amid a mass of crowds, Bill said "This just cannot work. How can I catch Mr. Francis' sight amid all this hubbub? You know what, I am pals with all his guards, so will just climb upstairs and stand upon that high balcony with Mr. Francis." And Bill ran through that crowd and into that Vatican.
In not half an hour, Bill shows up on that balcony standing along with Mr. Francis, that's right, Mr. Francis, but Bill ran back down to find his boss laid out on asphalt having a nasty cardiovascular attack, with doctors around him.
Making his way to his poor boss, Bill asks him "Omg you ok?? What did occur during my stand on that balcony?"
His boss looks up and says "It was that final straw... As you and Mr. Francis stood on that balcony, a random man to my right said "Who dafuq is that, standing on that balcony with Bill?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owju8/yall_know_bill_right/
%
Why doesn't Captain Picard have an iPhone

He already has an android, and it came with a data plan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owj8c/why_doesnt_captain_picard_have_an_iphone/
%
What is it called when Benedict Cumberbatch is constipated?

No shit Sherlock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owj5k/what_is_it_called_when_benedict_cumberbatch_is/
%
What's the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral?

One less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owhuv/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
%
Where does a Muslim learn to swim?

Inshallah water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owgru/where_does_a_muslim_learn_to_swim/
%
There was a fire in the aromatherapy candle factory.

Things are much calmer now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owgnc/there_was_a_fire_in_the_aromatherapy_candle/
%
My wife's cooking is incredible.

With a silent 'cr'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owde8/my_wifes_cooking_is_incredible/
%
How does a Japanese chihuahua say hello?

Konichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owckd/how_does_a_japanese_chihuahua_say_hello/
%
Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5owax1/arrested_for_being_too_good_in_bed/
%
How are tumblr users opposite from police officers?

Tumblr users are trigger happy around white men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ow8yj/how_are_tumblr_users_opposite_from_police_officers/
%
I was dancing with a girl in a nightclub.

"What are we going to do after this?" I asked her.
She said, "How does sex sound?"
I said, "Soggy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ow86o/i_was_dancing_with_a_girl_in_a_nightclub/
%
Did you know that the number of legs in the air of a horse statue indicate how its rider died?

If there are no legs in the air, the rider survived the war.
If there is one leg in the air, the rider was mortally wounded and died after a battle.
If there are two legs in the air, the rider was killed in battle.
If there are three legs in the air, the rider died in a tragic circus accident.
If there are four legs in the air, the rider was abducted by aliens and died in space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ow6qw/did_you_know_that_the_number_of_legs_in_the_air/
%
I'm not saying you cuss a lot but..

You use fuck as a comma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ow6kf/im_not_saying_you_cuss_a_lot_but/
%
I secretly love men from Scotland...

It's my kilty pleasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ow6dy/i_secretly_love_men_from_scotland/
%
I walked up to a girl and said, "Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums."

"Erm...what?" she asked.
I said, "I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ow439/i_walked_up_to_a_girl_and_said_skittles_starburst/
%
What would happen if Donald Trump was about to be assassinated?

Secret Service would shout "Donald, Duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ow2kv/what_would_happen_if_donald_trump_was_about_to_be/
%
How does grandma's chairlift work?

It has to do with nanatechnology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ow04d/how_does_grandmas_chairlift_work/
%
Dogs are tough!!

Been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who's a good boy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovyzc/dogs_are_tough/
%
I went to buy some classical music today...

But I forgot my Chopin Liszt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovwek/i_went_to_buy_some_classical_music_today/
%
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovw9q/three_old_men_were_talking_about_how_much_their/
%
A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the gut.

They rush her to the hospital and everything turns out ok. The babies are all fine.
12 years later one of her daughters comes to her worried "mom mom mom i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats strange." Says the mom.
A few days after that her other daughter rushes up "MOM MOM MOM i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats really strange" says the mom.
A few more weeks pass without issue, then her son comes up to her "MOM MOM MOM" she cuts him off "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out."
"NO! I WAS JACKING OFF AND I SHOT THE DOG!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovvlc/a_woman_pregnant_with_triplets_gets_shot_3_times/
%
Why did the ambassador have extra resistance to harmful foreign bacteria?

He had diplomatic immunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovuo3/why_did_the_ambassador_have_extra_resistance_to/
%
Love is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovubo/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
A Blonde calls tech support

She is told that in order to get help, they need her password.
She says that the password is "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had chosen such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovsy4/a_blonde_calls_tech_support/
%
Whisky won't fix your problems...

But it's worth a shot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovsqj/whisky_wont_fix_your_problems/
%
Parents' mean words are the most hurtful thing there is to a young kid, and trust me when I say I'm speaking from personal experience

The little bitch has been crying for 2 hours because I called him fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovrxh/parents_mean_words_are_the_most_hurtful_thing/
%
What is the difference between someone who worships God & someone who worships the sun?

The sun exists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovro0/what_is_the_difference_between_someone_who/
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Fastest thing in the world

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovrgs/fastest_thing_in_the_world/
%
Maria, a devout Catholic

, got married and had 15 children.       After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children.
A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.
At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."
Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"
The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovofy/maria_a_devout_catholic/
%
I'm going to a trial in Great Sept of Baelor today, AMA.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovj6b/im_going_to_a_trial_in_great_sept_of_baelor_today/
%
So I thought I would share a time travel joke with you guys..

But you didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovi5y/so_i_thought_i_would_share_a_time_travel_joke/
%
An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

A doctor and an engineer loved the same girl. Doctor used to give her a rose daily and engineer used to give the girl an apple. Girl got confused and asked engineer : There is a meaning of giving rose in Love, Why are you giving apple ? Engineer answered : Because "An apple a day keeps the doctor away".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovhpm/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away/
%
Proof that Donald Trump is a racist

Tomorrow he is going to throw a black family out of their house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovhf3/proof_that_donald_trump_is_a_racist/
%
I just stepped on a cornflake...

Now I am officially a cereal killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovgmc/i_just_stepped_on_a_cornflake/
%
A server at a wedding was attending to guests

He noticed that the table with drinks was empty and was needing to be refilled. He noticed that more and more people shuffled over to the table and stood waiting for refills.
He hastily returned to the kitchen and grabbed what juices he could to fix this. He ran over to the table and refilled everyone's drinks and they returned to their seats.
Now, there's no longer a punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovccn/a_server_at_a_wedding_was_attending_to_guests/
%
What's the difference between light and hard?

You can't sleep with a light on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovc76/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
What doctors shop at Barnes and Noble?

Doctors without Borders.
Credit to Max Scoville.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ovbk5/what_doctors_shop_at_barnes_and_noble/
%
Why should you feel bad for the gay homeless population?

Because they don't have any closets to come out of

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ov9z6/why_should_you_feel_bad_for_the_gay_homeless/
%
Men Are Polite

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ov4xw/men_are_polite/
%
I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day

He was a Barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ov4ko/i_used_to_know_a_guy_who_shaved_around_six_or/
%
America elected Donald Trump

And we're going toupée for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ov4bq/america_elected_donald_trump/
%
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ov425/after_being_with_her_all_evening_the_man_couldnt/
%
Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ov04g/getting_married_in_heaven/
%
What do you call a sad coffee?

Depresso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ouvy6/what_do_you_call_a_sad_coffee/
%
What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ouv7i/what_is_red_and_smells_like_blue_paint/
%
I gave my wife a vibrator moulded from a cast of my own penis for her to use whilst I'm away on business

and she's just sent me a text to say that she's tried it out and it was just like the real thing.
The batteries ran out before she reached orgasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ousl1/i_gave_my_wife_a_vibrator_moulded_from_a_cast_of/
%
By putting the punchline in the title.

How do you ruin a good repost?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ouq5o/by_putting_the_punchline_in_the_title/
%
Definitions of Marketing

What is MARKETING ?
This is how a Professor explained Marketing Concepts to a class:
1. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!"
- That's Direct Marketing.
😃
2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a Gorgeous  Girl. One of your friends goes upto her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him!"
- That's Advertising.
😄
3. You are at a party and see a Gorgeous Girl.
She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can I marry you?"
- That's Brand Recognition.
😊
4. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go upto her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
- That's Customer Feedback.
😛
5. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go upto her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!"
And she introduces you to her husband.
- That's Demand and Supply Gap.
😜
6. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go upto her and before you say: "I m rich, Marry me!",
your wife arrives.
- That's Restriction for Entering New Markets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ouojq/definitions_of_marketing/
%
My dream job is to be a mirror cleaner

I think I could really see myself doing that.
¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ouogc/my_dream_job_is_to_be_a_mirror_cleaner/
%
Who won the 1940 Tour De France?

The 7th Panzer division

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oum7k/who_won_the_1940_tour_de_france/
%
What's the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oujzz/whats_the_fastest_liquid_on_earth/
%
What do you call a Communist Sniper?

A Marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oughr/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
Under communism, every man has what he needs.

That's why the butcher puts a sign up that says: *"nobody needs meat today."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oug04/under_communism_every_man_has_what_he_needs/
%
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oufcb/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_two_doors/
%
A Microsoft Dev walks into a room....

Bethesda is working on Skyrim remastered 4k edition for the new xbox.
Microsoft Dev "Woah that screenshot looks cool"
Bethesda Worker: "That's not a screenshot, it's...it's the game"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ouba7/a_microsoft_dev_walks_into_a_room/
%
My friend JB had to get a name tag...

See JB's name was JB. It didn't stand for anything. No, sir. It was simply JB. So he wrote on the application J only B only to ensure there was no mistake.
His name tag came back Jonly Bonly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ou98w/my_friend_jb_had_to_get_a_name_tag/
%
My italian barber Paulie told me this joke.

So a teacher is in class Thursday afternoon the teacher tells her students if they can name who said this quote then they can have Friday off.
So the teacher asks who said "I cannot tell a lie"?
A young asian kid says "George Washington". The teacher tells him good job and he can have the weekend off. The asian student states he needs to keep his grades up so he will not take the day off.
Then the teacher asks who said "I have a dream"?
A young Indian child says "Martin Luther King Jr"
The teacher tells him he's right and he can have the weekend off. The Indian kid says he is very lucky to be in this country and does not want to miss a day in school so he will be in school on Friday.
From the back of the class someone says "fucking immigrants"
The teacher goes "Hey! Who said that?!"
A white student stands up and says, "I believe it was Donald Trump, I'll see you on Monday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ou7bq/my_italian_barber_paulie_told_me_this_joke/
%
What do you call a Bible for the blind?

The Holy Braille!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ou69o/what_do_you_call_a_bible_for_the_blind/
%
Chinese soldiers attack a Soviet tractor.

^This ^joke ^originated ^during ^the ^1969 ^Sino-Soviet ^border ^conflict.
**Radio broadcaster:** *"Comrades! Yesterday, a platoon of the Chinese People's Liberation Army attacked an agricultural tractor without provocation."*
*"Fortunately, our tractor returned fire. It then managed to fly back to base for repairs."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ou5t4/chinese_soldiers_attack_a_soviet_tractor/
%
My new neighbor is fat, obnoxious, and loud.

Now I know how Canada feels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ou3wv/my_new_neighbor_is_fat_obnoxious_and_loud/
%
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday.
The rest are weekdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ou3um/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
%
Why does a dog on a U-boat have a deep bark?

Because he's a sub woofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ou1dz/why_does_a_dog_on_a_uboat_have_a_deep_bark/
%
My biology teacher said there is no evolutionary advantage to blue eyes.

She must have never heard of the holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ou0oi/my_biology_teacher_said_there_is_no_evolutionary/
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What's the difference between god and an engineer

God doesn't walk around thinking he's a fuckin engineer.
(Told to me by a millwright)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5otzcp/whats_the_difference_between_god_and_an_engineer/
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What’s worse than finding a hole in your condom?

Finding a condom in your hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5otvda/whats_worse_than_finding_a_hole_in_your_condom/
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A man and his girlfriend go broke and become homeless...

With seemingly no one else to turn to, the man phones his father, whom he hasn't spoken to in years.
The man says, "Dad, my girlfriend and I have gone broke and become homeless, is there anything you can do for us? Some money? A job? A place to stay?"
The father responds, "You and your girlfriend are homeless?"
"Yes!"
"Wow. Well... the sex must be intents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5otuo5/a_man_and_his_girlfriend_go_broke_and_become/
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Why does Donald Trump tweet stuff at 3am?

Because it's almost afternoon in Russia at that time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5otu6e/why_does_donald_trump_tweet_stuff_at_3am/
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A Dark And Stormy Night In Transylvania

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe,  near Transylvania. They  re driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of the car.   Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail.    The car swerves and smashes into a ditch..
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.  A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been Seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”
“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him.”
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor;   I am a scientist.  However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.  Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.”  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play.  A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
“Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5otqdt/a_dark_and_stormy_night_in_transylvania/
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Robbing the congressman

Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"
"Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5otm0i/robbing_the_congressman/
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Birthdays can be really nice

But I heard too many of them can kill you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5otltv/birthdays_can_be_really_nice/
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What kind of fish is made of two sodium atoms?

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5otl13/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_of_two_sodium_atoms/
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A Priest and a Rabbi Go Golfing...

A Priest and a Rabbi go golfing. On the first hole, the Rabbi swings and misses, yelling, "Goddammit, I missed!" The Priest chastises him in response, telling him "Don't say that, or else God will strike you down."
They go to the next hole, and the same thing happens. The Rabbi yells "Goddammit, I missed!" And the Priest tells him again, "You shouldn't say that or else God will strike you down."
They make it all the way to the 18th hole without incident... until the Rabbi swings and misses, his club flies from his fingers. He yells at the top of his lungs "Goddammit, I missed!" and the Priest is struck by lightning.
God yells "Goddammit, I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5othkf/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_go_golfing/
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A dude is driving with his girlfriend and they get into an accident.

The girlfriend needed blood transfusion and the boyfriend donated.
About a year later they broke up and the boyfriend had a fuss and told the girl to pay him back for his blood.
The following month the ex boyfriend got a package in the mail from the ex girlfriend. He opened it and it was a used pad and a note saying, "I'll be paying you back monthly, so here's my first payment."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5otgc7/a_dude_is_driving_with_his_girlfriend_and_they/
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After the operation I say to the doctor...

"Look, I'm gonna try to save some money and stitch myself back up."
"Are you sure?" He says, "alright, suture self."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5otbqj/after_the_operation_i_say_to_the_doctor/
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[NSFW] The nun and the Hippy...

There was a hippy who was on his way home when he got on the bus.  At the end of the bus he saw a really beautiful nun, he was astonished. The bus driver noticed that and told the hippy that the nun goes every midnight to the graveyard to pray, so he will find her there. The hippy sits right next to the nun and goes normally home.
At midnight, the hippy dressed up as Jesus and went to the graveyard. There he saw the nun, kneeling and praying. He went to the nun and said "I am Jesus Christ, you shall have sex with me!"
The nun heard the dressed Jesus and said "Okay, since you're Jesus you are allowed to. But you may only take me from behind since the front is only for god."
So the hippie went ahead and did the nun from behind.
After he came, he tore off all of his clothings and yelled:
"I'm not Jesus, I'm the Hippie from the Bus!!"
The nun didn't seem shocked and instead also tore off all of her clothes and yelled:
"I'm the busdriver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ot9xa/nsfw_the_nun_and_the_hippy/
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Why does the Little Mermaid wear sea shells?

Because she doesn't fit into B shells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ot9mf/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_sea_shells/
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In Soviet Russia, Comrade Wolf is going through his kill list.

Comrade Goat approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*
**"Yes."**
*"Give me one day to bid farewell to my family"*, Comrade Goat pleads.
***"Okay"***, says Comrade Wolf. He kills Comrade Goat after a day.
.
The next day, Comrade Ox approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*
***"Yes."***
*"Let me sort out my affairs. Please kill me tomorrow"*, Comrade Ox begs.
***"Okay"***, says Comrade Wolf. He kills Comrade Ox after a day.
.
On the third day, Comrade Fox approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*
***"Yes."***
*"Could you please remove it?"*
***"Okay."***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ot173/in_soviet_russia_comrade_wolf_is_going_through/
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As a Lesbian...

I like my men like I like my coffee-
nowhere near my vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5osy4i/as_a_lesbian/
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When someone shows you a picture of their kid the one thing they don't wanna hear is...

"Oh yeah I have some photos of your kid too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ostbr/when_someone_shows_you_a_picture_of_their_kid_the/
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A Christian is watching TV when he gets a flood warning.

A Christian is sitting at home watching TV when a flood warning pops up. He's alarmed, but he has faith and decides to stay where he is and trust in God to rescue him.
The water starts rising and the man is forced to go to the second floor of his house. He hears a knock on the window and sees a rescue worker in a lifeboat motioning for him to climb in.
"Come on! We've got to get out of here!"
"No," the man replies. "I am going to stay here and wait for God to rescue me."
The water keeps rising, so the man climbs out the window and onto his roof. Another lifeboat floats up to him, carrying a second rescue worker, who motions for him to jump in.
"Come on! We're running out of time!"
"No, my friend," the man responds. "I am going to wait for God to rescue me."
By this point, the water is almost above the roof, and the man has to climb up to the satellite dish. A search and rescue helicopter glides above him, shining a spotlight on him and lowering a rope. He waves the chopper off, still believe that God will rescue him. Two seconds later, a bolt of lightning strikes the satellite dish and kills him.
The man wakes up at the gates of heaven, face to face with Saint Peter.
"What happened?!" he yells in frustration. "I thought God was going to rescue me!"
Peter chuckles. "I don't know what you're complaining about. He sent you two boats and a helicopter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oss0k/a_christian_is_watching_tv_when_he_gets_a_flood/
%
A man is taking his girlfriend to meet his parents for the first time...

They arrive at his parents' house and they are all introduced. Everyone is extremely charming and gets along very well, and they are all enjoying a lovely meal together. However, halfway through the meal the girlfriend starts to need the toilet, so she goes upstairs and finds that it is directly over the dining room.
They would be able to hear everything, and so to cover up the sounds she made, she turned on the tap in the bath.
When she's finished she turns off the tap, and goes back downstairs, where they all finish their meal together and at the end say their goodbyes and part ways.
The parents talk afterwards.
"She's so sweet," The mother says, "I'm so glad that he's finally found a woman for himself."
"Oh yes, she seems brilliant... but she pisses like a horse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5osrio/a_man_is_taking_his_girlfriend_to_meet_his/
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Have you heard about the Italian chef that recently died?

Yeah, he pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5osn4p/have_you_heard_about_the_italian_chef_that/
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I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood.

It's the only way I know how to exorcise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5osn41/i_stretch_daily_to_squeeze_the_demons_out_of_my/
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A man named Odd

There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died. Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5osm0b/a_man_named_odd/
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Gandalf is Attending a Rock Concert...

Gandalf gets up on stage before the main act of a rock concert.  He stares at the crowd, who cheer for the headlining band.  "I am a conjurer of Cheap Trick!"  He yells, and crowd surfs off to Valinor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oskdc/gandalf_is_attending_a_rock_concert/
%
Why did workers in the industrial revolution have better sense of smell?

It's because of all that time they spent in the ol-factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5osj3e/why_did_workers_in_the_industrial_revolution_have/
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The FBI had an opening for an assassin

. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle the bitch to death'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5osise/the_fbi_had_an_opening_for_an_assassin/
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Sex joke

Wife dressed up as a police woman, handcuffed me to the bed and said I was under arrest for being a sex god.
Was released 2 minutes later with no charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5osgvr/sex_joke/
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How do most elderly golfers die?

They have a bad stroke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5osez9/how_do_most_elderly_golfers_die/
%
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5os9vp/i_have_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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Why is Aspirin white?

Cuz it works....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5os774/why_is_aspirin_white/
%
Two blondes and a brunette

One day two blondes and a brunette got stuck in an elevator.
One blonde starts to yell, “Help!!!”
Then the other one, “Help!!!”
The brunette suggests, “Come on girls, let's scream together, it will be louder.”
“OK,” agree the blondes, “Together!!! Together!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5os73w/two_blondes_and_a_brunette/
%
A chicken and an egg just finished having sex

The egg starts smoking a cigarette and says "well I guess we know the answer to that question".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5os5cc/a_chicken_and_an_egg_just_finished_having_sex/
%
A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar

Now that's a sweet ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5os2nh/a_donkey_fell_into_a_bowl_of_sugar/
%
When my wife starts to sing ..

I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5os2kv/when_my_wife_starts_to_sing/
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* during an interview *

Interviewer: "So how long were you employed in your last job?"
Candidate: "I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5os1p0/during_an_interview/
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I loaned my friend $15K for plastic surgery...

And now I don't know what he looks like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5os0v9/i_loaned_my_friend_15k_for_plastic_surgery/
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I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant

but then I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5os0e0/i_wasnt_originally_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
%
An Englishman walks into a pub in London

As he approaches the bar he hears two women speaking with heavy accents.
"Are you ladies from Scotland?" He asks.
"It's Wales, actually!" One of the woman replies.
"Sorry." says the man "Are you whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5orzax/an_englishman_walks_into_a_pub_in_london/
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If it wasn't for venetian blinds....

It'd be curtains for all of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5orz46/if_it_wasnt_for_venetian_blinds/
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A kid pokes his dad with a ruler several times.

Angrily, the dad asks him what he is doing.
The boy says, "measuring your patience."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ory4x/a_kid_pokes_his_dad_with_a_ruler_several_times/
%
I put a black hole in my living room.

It's great. Really pulls the room together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oruxz/i_put_a_black_hole_in_my_living_room/
%
What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time?

Quantum Mechanics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oruw2/what_kind_of_mechanics_fix_and_break_your_car_at/
%
An elderly couple goes to a nudist beach

The wife is laying out tanning when a bee suddenly flies into her snatch. Utterly distraught, the husband and wife decide to go to the doctor for assistance.
The doctor tells the couple all they have to do is put some honey on the husband's penis and stick it into his wife, coaxing the bee out. When the couple gets home the old man pulls out the honey, but can't get his dick erect, so they decide to go back to the doctor's office.
The doctor offers to put the honey on his own penis to coax the bee out. Reluctantly, the old man agrees. The doctor gets his dick up, applies the honey, and penetrates. When he pulls it out, no bee. He tries a second time, still no bee. Then the doctor starts pounding this woman relentlessly, in and out, in and out. The old man frantically shouts "Doctor?!? What's Happening?!?!"
The doctor replies abruptly, "Change of plans, we're drowning the mother fucker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5orthl/an_elderly_couple_goes_to_a_nudist_beach/
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A lycanthrope transforms in front of his friend for the first time.

His friend says "oh my god, you just turned into a wolf!"
He replies: "yes. I am a were."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ort0h/a_lycanthrope_transforms_in_front_of_his_friend/
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Roses are Red, Violets are blue

I'm a schizophrenic, so am I

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5orqtb/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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How do you introduce an exhausted red vegetable to a steak?

"Beat beet, meet meat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5orq4k/how_do_you_introduce_an_exhausted_red_vegetable/
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Blonde and the bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600
dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for
sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it
for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office,
and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to
our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after
paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to
send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to
send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive
out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the
word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5orpfs/blonde_and_the_bull/
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What are the three fastest forms of communication?

Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5orpd1/what_are_the_three_fastest_forms_of_communication/
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David and the voice.

David was working in his shoe shop one day when he heard a voice whisper out to him, "Sell your shop".
He ignored it contributing it to the old building. The next week he heard it again. "Sell your shop," the voice whispered. He continued to ignore it until the voice was speaking to him every day.
David, not being able to stand the voice any longer, sold his shoe shop for $1,000,000. "Take your money and go to Las Vegas," the voice said. David complied because he knew the voice would just continue to speak to him.
David, having landed in Las Vegas, was walking down the strip when the voice said, "Go into the first casino you see."
"Why? I'm not a gambler, besides all I have left is my $1,000,000." David asked.
"Trust me, I would not lead you astray," the voiced answered.
David relents and goes into the first casino he sees. "Sit down at the blackjack table," the voice said.
"But I'm not a gambler," David said.
"Trust me. Trust in me and all will be revealed," the voice replied.
David conceded and sat down at the table. "Bet it all," the voiced said.
"This is everything I have. Certainly, you won't make me do this?" David pleaded.
"Trust me," the voice replied.
So, David bet his $1,000,000 on his first hand of blackjack and he got an 18.
"Thank God!" David exclaimed.
The voice spoke, "You want to hit."
"But I have 18," David replied.
"Hit it," the voice said.
"Hit," David said to the dealer.
"Ace. Nineteen," said the dealer.
"Oh, thank God," David said again.
"Hit again, David," the voice said.
"I have nineteen," David said.
"Trust me, my son," the voice said.
"Hit," David said to the dealer.
"Ace. Twenty," the dealer said.
"Oh, my God! I don't know if I can take this." David exclaimed.
"Hit again. Trust in me, my son," the voice asked.
"BUT I HAVE TWENTY!!!" David screamed at the voice.
"Trust in me. Have I lead you astray? Trust me one last time," the voice calmly said.
"Hit," David said to the dealer.
"Ace. Twenty-one," the dealer said.
"UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!!!" the voice boomed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oro4t/david_and_the_voice/
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My wife’s cooking is so bad!!

we usually pray after our food!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ormil/my_wifes_cooking_is_so_bad/
%
I was at the inventor of the USB stick's funeral yesterday.....

They lowered his coffin into the ground, then raised it back up, turned it around, and lowered it back down again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ormby/i_was_at_the_inventor_of_the_usb_sticks_funeral/
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Why can't you use strike-marks to count in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally ban!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5orlzt/why_cant_you_use_strikemarks_to_count_in/
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Tip: Call your baby a normal name

Me: Are you still mad your parents called you tip?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5orli6/tip_call_your_baby_a_normal_name/
%
A virgin nun gets pregnant....

And she's sure it's not a miracle pregnancy so she bursts into the priests chambers and yells out "which of you fuckers has been wanking on the candles?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5orkih/a_virgin_nun_gets_pregnant/
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Knock, Knock

My son told me this one. I hadn't heard it before.
Son: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: I don't know.
Son: He was going to visit the dummy.
Me: ?
Son: Knock, knock
Me: Who's there?
Son: The Chicken
Me: :/
Taps microphone:
In spite of my misgivings about the search capabilities that are available it would appear that I should have at least checked the top of /r/Jokes. Ahem. The chicken had the right address...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5orja6/knock_knock/
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"Jesus loves you."

A nice thing to hear in church. And a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5orgjb/jesus_loves_you/
%
A successful American farmer makes a trip to Poland and visits a Polish farm...

The American asks, "How much of what I can see is your land?" The Pole replies, "Oh from the edge of that wheat field over there, to that river over there. And what about your farmland?"
"Oh let me tell you," the American begins to boast, "My farmland is so big, I could get in my car in the morning, drive all day, and I wouldn't reach the end of my property before nightfall!"
"Yes," the Polish farmer says, "I once had a car like that too..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5org5s/a_successful_american_farmer_makes_a_trip_to/
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What is the most effective way of cleaning a cum stain?

Baby wipes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5orclu/what_is_the_most_effective_way_of_cleaning_a_cum/
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Bus driver and Big John

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.
No problems for the first few stops-a few People got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, Built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the Driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was.
Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not??"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a Bus pass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5orar5/bus_driver_and_big_john/
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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.
It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5or8lj/one_day_bill_complained_to_his_friend_that_his/
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A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.
The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."
The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's plate there are two hamburgers, and on the plate in front of the snake are 23 beef patties, plain, by themselves. The snake turns its head away in disgust.
The man fumes, "No! He wants real hamburgers too, in buns, like mine. In buns!"
The waitress starts to protest, "But sir, our restaurant is low on buns right now, and... do snakes even eat bread...?"
The waitress goes on and on about what an awkward request and situation this is until the man cuts her off, saying, "Listen lady, My Anaconda Don't Want None Unless You Got Buns, Hun!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5or73p/a_man_goes_into_a_restaurant_with_his_pet_snake/
%
Did you hear about the houses that fell in love?

It was a lawn-distanced relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5or5le/did_you_hear_about_the_houses_that_fell_in_love/
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I lost my watch at a party once...

Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the guy, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl...not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5or5da/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
%
Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5or3s5/have_you_ever_had_ethiopian_food/
%
My dad's favorite joke

3 guys are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. They grab as much of their supplies as they can carry and start walking.
The first guy turns to the second guy and says ''I brought all our food cause you can't grow anything in the desert.''
The second guy replies ''I brought all our water cause it doesn't rain in the desert.''
The third guy is slowly trailing behind. The two guys ask ''Hey what are you doing?''
Dragging the car door behind him the third guy shouts ''In case it gets hot we can roll the window down!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5or2no/my_dads_favorite_joke/
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What do you call a man in the middle of the ocean with no arms or legs?

Bob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqzx8/what_do_you_call_a_man_in_the_middle_of_the_ocean/
%
Today I learned that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama...

If it had been invented somewhere else they would have called it the teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqzpx/today_i_learned_that_the_toothbrush_was_invented/
%
The magician got so mad

He pulled his hare out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqxet/the_magician_got_so_mad/
%
Did you hear the one about the two gay Irish dudes?

Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqvk1/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_two_gay_irish_dudes/
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If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who.

If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqtvi/if_you_ask_me_what_my_favorite_rock_band_is_and/
%
If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence.

In the country it's called sibling rivalry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqs8o/if_a_married_couple_in_the_city_get_in_a_fight/
%
A Sheriff in a small town

in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ...I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. '
'And here I am.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqq0g/a_sheriff_in_a_small_town/
%
What is 35 feet long and has 42 teeth?

A bus full of rednecks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqp2q/what_is_35_feet_long_and_has_42_teeth/
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What's the difference between a Boko Haram training camp and a Nigerian refugee camp?

I don't know, I just fly the fighter jet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqnc8/whats_the_difference_between_a_boko_haram/
%
I wanted to be the first person to invent a feline cloning machine...

But everybody said it was nothing but a copycat invention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqmj9/i_wanted_to_be_the_first_person_to_invent_a/
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An atheist is deep sea fishing.

An atheist is out on the Atlantic ocean deep sea fishing when his boat is attacked by the Kraken. Huge tentacles wrap around the boat and begin to rip it in two. He looks over the boat straight into the jaws of the beast and screams "Oh God! Help!"
Time freezes. A ray of light shines down on him and he hears a deep voice say "I thought you didn't believe I was real."
"Come on, God, cut me a break!" the man responds. "A few seconds ago, I didn't believe the Kraken was real either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqkku/an_atheist_is_deep_sea_fishing/
%
10 ways on how to deal with Click baiting!

Does anyone know them?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqjxx/10_ways_on_how_to_deal_with_click_baiting/
%
Just heard this oldie, but goodie from a friend

Two does are walking out of a bar after a long night of drinking, and one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqi6r/just_heard_this_oldie_but_goodie_from_a_friend/
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Little John fell in love with the teacher.

Little John is sitting in his bench and he is fondly looking at the teacher. It got little uncomfortable for her that he doesn't stop watching her so she said to him:
- John, why do you watch me all the time?
- Well, I love you - spoke John.
- But I do not love children - says his teacher.
- It's okay, we'll be careful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqi3v/little_john_fell_in_love_with_the_teacher/
%
Uncle Frank

The teacher asks the kindergarden class to tell a story with a moral.
First kid says, "I was carrying eggs for my mom and dropped them and they broke."
Teacher says, "What's the moral to the story?"
First kid says, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Second kid says, "My little brother is learning to walk and he keeps falling down. Mommy says he'll learn one day."
Teacher says, "What's the moral of that story?"
Second kid says, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."
Third kid says, "My Uncle Frank's a war hero. One day, he was driving home a little drunk from the bar on base with a case of Johnnie Walker when the VC attacked. Bombs exploding, bullets flying, the whole bit. Uncle Frank is behind his Jeep as the hordes start climbing the fence. He figures this is his last time to drink scotch, so he chugs half a bottle, pulls out his pistol and knife, and starts to fight back. He killed twenty men with his gun, thirty with his knife, and beat four of them to death with the bottle of whiskey. He was shot eight times, stabbed twice, and was hit with shrapnel from grenades, but he singlehandedly won the battle and saved the base. And that's why he's a war hero."
The teacher pauses for a second and says, "Wow, that's an interesting story. But... what's the moral?"
Kid says, "You don't fuck with my Uncle Frank when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqhb1/uncle_frank/
%
Grandma goes to the doctor...

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said,
"Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqh53/grandma_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Study shows that people eat more bananas than monkeys

I don't even remember the last time I ate a monkey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqgd3/study_shows_that_people_eat_more_bananas_than/
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A young man wishes to purchase a fish

So he approaches the town fisherman at the market. With his pockets full of cash, he can't wait to buy a delectable salmon from the highly recommended old man.
The fisherman sees the young man approaching and asks what he can do for him.
The young man holds out a handful of bills and says, "I would like your finest salmon please."
The old man smiles and states simply, "not money, son, knowledge."
The young man, thinking he misheard the old fisherman, waves the stack of bills in front of his face.
Amused, the fisherman explains.
"If you can answer a simple question, you'll have your fish."
The young man accepts the challenge. The old man says only one thing: "If you can guess how many fish I've caught today, I'll give you both of them."
The young man shrugs and offers, "Three?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqg7c/a_young_man_wishes_to_purchase_a_fish/
%
I like my coffee the way I like my women...

Anyway I can get them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqd6e/i_like_my_coffee_the_way_i_like_my_women/
%
A very sad day today...

After 7 yrs of medical training & hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money.
A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oqd2n/a_very_sad_day_today/
%
Eyesight

My new optician is a legend. This new set of glasses he gave me allows me to see a few years into the future.
Finally, I have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oq8po/eyesight/
%
I drove to Vegas in a $25,000 Chevy and came home in a $250,000 vehicle

A greyhound bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oq3mk/i_drove_to_vegas_in_a_25000_chevy_and_came_home/
%
Three blondes are stuck on a desert island.

One finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.
The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.
The second sees what happens and says, "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.
Finally, the third blonde says, "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oq3g7/three_blondes_are_stuck_on_a_desert_island/
%
A snake walks into a bar...

The bartender says,  "How did you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oq3as/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
No Pornhub, I do not want to play poker.

I'm at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opyll/no_pornhub_i_do_not_want_to_play_poker/
%
What's long, hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opxn4/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
If you know three languages, you're trilingual. If you know two, you're just bilingual. If you know one...

...you're an American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opxib/if_you_know_three_languages_youre_trilingual_if/
%
English ships start with HMS, United states with USS... what about Italian ships?

AMB.
It's stands for,  'Atsa Ma Boat!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opwfn/english_ships_start_with_hms_united_states_with/
%
A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in.

As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea."
Well, the Newfie gets back on his bar stool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out cold. The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a frickin' crowbar from Canadian Tire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opurt/a_newfie_a_little_man_was_sitting_at_a_bar_in/
%
One Sunday morning, the pastor...

...noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up: stood beside the little boy: and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning. Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,"Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opt63/one_sunday_morning_the_pastor/
%
If someone throws a 16oz. ribeye at you and you fail to catch it...

That's a big missed-steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opt1y/if_someone_throws_a_16oz_ribeye_at_you_and_you/
%
So, the God decides he needs a vacation...

He goes to meet his travel agent:
"We have a special on Andromeda, Cthulu resort."  - Nah it's way too hot...
"How'bout skiing in Pillars Of Creation?" - Maybe something cheaper, this time?
"Well, You may try the Earth, Solar System new Spa, great price".
- ... Been there like 2000 years ago, mate, made one chick pregnant.
They still keep talking about this...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oprw5/so_the_god_decides_he_needs_a_vacation/
%
My friend told me I was smart enough to be the next Isaac Newton...

Well Newton died a lonely virgin so clearly I'm doing something right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opqjg/my_friend_told_me_i_was_smart_enough_to_be_the/
%
A millionaire enters the town of Klon.

Upon arriving he notices a particularly popular homosexual bar specifically for women. Seeing a potentially valuable investment, he enters and speaks to the owner.
"How much to own this place?" He asks.
The owner responds: "not for sale, I've got customers waiting."
The millionaire, not wanting to miss an investment, grabs the owners arm as he turns to go and says "wait, I'll do anything to own this place!"
The owner turns back to him slowly and says... "What would you do for a Klon Dyke-bar?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oppea/a_millionaire_enters_the_town_of_klon/
%
Did you hear about the candle that smells like a mixture of Francis, Benedict, and John Paul?

They call it pope pourri
(I really am sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opnpc/did_you_hear_about_the_candle_that_smells_like_a/
%
Where did little Suzzie go after the explosion?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opnis/where_did_little_suzzie_go_after_the_explosion/
%
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in a snowstorm without a hat?

A numbskull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opk9i/what_do_you_call_a_skeleton_who_goes_out_in_a/
%
I might have Alzheimer's...

But at least I don't have Alzheimer's!
... I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opj0d/i_might_have_alzheimers/
%
Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. when she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Kate told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the Ice Cream truck hadn't come along."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opisl/sunday_morning_sex/
%
I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice.

My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opifg/ive_only_been_in_jail_for_5_minutes_and_ive/
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A married couple goes to Mars

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things.
Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ophcc/a_married_couple_goes_to_mars/
%
I joke about mushrooms a lot...

That's why people call me a fun guy!
*...Sorry*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opgmm/i_joke_about_mushrooms_a_lot/
%
What came first, the hen or the egg?

The rooster. ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opg0u/what_came_first_the_hen_or_the_egg/
%
"Rabbi, why are the Jews so hated?"

At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old Rabbi: "Rabbi, why do people hate us so much?" The Rabbi thinks for a while and says "That is an interesting question. We will all talk about it tomorrow over some vodka! Each one of you shall bring a bottle of fine vodka, so we can mix it all up in a big pot and drink, discuss, and then the answer will be clear."
The young Jew went home and thought to himself "if everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vodka, I'll just bring a bottle of water and no one will be the wiser." Next day the young Jew showed up with a vodka bottle filled with water, anxious to see what answer the Rabbi would provide to his question. The Rabbi started to pour all the vodka together in one pot and began stirring it. The young Jew got impatient - "Please, Rabbi! What is the answer to my question? Why do people hate us so much?" The Rabbi then filled a cup, gave it to the young Jew and said "Drink this now!" The young Jew drank the cup and said "But this is just wat**e**r!" And the Rabbi said "and that is why the people hate us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opf9n/rabbi_why_are_the_jews_so_hated/
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The Will.

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
The wife replies, "The jerk had a paper route."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opbyf/the_will/
%
Why is Europe like a frying pan??

They both have Greece at the bottom!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opbor/why_is_europe_like_a_frying_pan/
%
Australian chess player

What did the Australian chess player say after finishing his meal at a restaurant?
Check mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opb0u/australian_chess_player/
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Camped

Dad: We're going camped tomorrow, and I think we'll go extra deep into the woods.
Son: That sounds really fun, but wouldn't the proper statement be 'we're going camping.'
Dad: Normally, yes, but the verb changes because I'm sure we'll be going past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5opa7g/camped/
%
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5op9nu/a_boy_is_writing_a_paper_on_childbirth_and_asks/
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What do you call a snake on viagra?

Rod!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5op7ki/what_do_you_call_a_snake_on_viagra/
%
Why do giraffes have such long necks?

Because their heads are so far from their bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5op79k/why_do_giraffes_have_such_long_necks/
%
How does Germany pay for all these refugees?

Krautfunding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5op6lr/how_does_germany_pay_for_all_these_refugees/
%
I made $350.05 sucking dick last night.

Me: I made $350.05 sucking dick last night.
Friend: Wow! Who gave you the nickel?
Me: All of them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5op6e3/i_made_35005_sucking_dick_last_night/
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Why did the "Ringling Bros." Circus finally go out of business?

They couldn't compete with the circus in Washington DC any longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5op5af/why_did_the_ringling_bros_circus_finally_go_out/
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Serious question here...

Does Lightning McQueen get car insurance or life insurance?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5op45i/serious_question_here/
%
I had a dream where I was a car muffler...

It was exhausting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5op2xc/i_had_a_dream_where_i_was_a_car_muffler/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar

And orders a drink.
The bartender says : "sorry sir, we don't serve food".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5op1i9/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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A pregnant woman was in line ahead of me at the store...

Out of no where, she starts giggling.
I asked, "Are you okay, ma'am?"
"Oh yes, I'm fine. My baby just told a joke."
"A joke? Seriously? What did it say?"
She replied, "Oh, I'm not sure you'd get it. It was an inside joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oozkr/a_pregnant_woman_was_in_line_ahead_of_me_at_the/
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I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ooz5t/i_have_a_condition_where_i_spontaneously_tell/
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Bob suddenly realized his wife had fallen off her horse

Which was quite a relief as just an hour ago he'd thought he'd gone deaf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ooysn/bob_suddenly_realized_his_wife_had_fallen_off_her/
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Don't let the Golden State Warriors blowing a 3 - 1 lead in the NBA finals..

..distract you from the fact that the British blew a 13 colony lead in 1776

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ooyem/dont_let_the_golden_state_warriors_blowing_a_3_1/
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What is Forrest Gump's email password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oovdx/what_is_forrest_gumps_email_password/
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It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.

Talk Abbottabad place to hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ooutg/its_nearly_6_years_since_us_navy_seals_took_out/
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My wife really wanted a dog, so I bought her a pug.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ootzo/my_wife_really_wanted_a_dog_so_i_bought_her_a_pug/
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Einstein, Newton and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon...

Einstein is bored, so he suggests a game of hide and seek and pretends to be "It". The others agree, so Einstein begins counting, "One...Two...Three.."
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide. But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not! Here I come!"
Einstein looks up immediately and spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you Newton."
Newton laughs and replies, " No! You found one Newton per square meter - you found Pascal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ootgy/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_hanging_out_one/
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A rich man needs a blood transfusion...

So he asks his Jewish friend if he would do a transfusion for $1 million.
The Jewish person is good friends with the man, so happily agrees.
A few years later, the man needs another transfusion, so asks the Jew again if he will do it for  $10,00.
The Jew is still good friends with the man, so happily agrees again.
A few years later, the man needs another transfusion, so asks the Jewish man again if he will do one for $10.
The Jew is confused, and asks: "Why was it $1 million the first time, then $10,000, and now only $10?"
The rich man then says: "It must be all the Jewish blood in me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oot1x/a_rich_man_needs_a_blood_transfusion/
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Two drunk guys walking home from the pub

They come across a bus depot and decide it would be quicker to steal a bus and drive it home.
One of the guys manages to get one started and shouts on his mate to hop on.
His mate replies " that bus number doesn't go to ours mate, am looking for the number 22."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ooskc/two_drunk_guys_walking_home_from_the_pub/
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Once upon a time ...

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...
One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career...
The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that school. she even shifted to another city ...
25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform..
Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful ...when she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died...
The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Basheer working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner......
If you were thinking that Basheer became a doctor, its because you have been reading too many motivational forward messages

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oorqc/once_upon_a_time/
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I saw a homeless man holding a sign. It said, "£2 will change my life."

Unfortunately, I only had a £5 note in my pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oopne/i_saw_a_homeless_man_holding_a_sign_it_said_2/
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Where do cats go when they die?

Purrgatory!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oop1m/where_do_cats_go_when_they_die/
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Flying Coconuts

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oonn2/flying_coconuts/
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What is a government mandate?

When Obama and Biden go out to dinner together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oomre/what_is_a_government_mandate/
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A man asks a woman:

"-Did you know that laughter is second best way to convince a girl to have sex with you ? "
"-Really, what is the first ?"
"-A knife."
"-Hahaha, you're so funny !"
"-Good choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oomgq/a_man_asks_a_woman/
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A man and hs dog sit at the bar....

...bartender says "sorry, but no dogs allowed at the bar". The gentleman responds "no no, you don't understand, this is a TALKING dog, he should definitely be allowed to sit at the bar"
"Talking dog you say" says the bartender, stroking his chin. "Prove it"
"Okay! Hey Oscar, what sound does a dog make?"
"WOOF WOOF" replies Oscar the dog.
"Okay, what is on top of a house?"
"ROOF, ROOF" replies Oscar again.
The bartender at this point just says "Okay, I've seen enough. Both of you, get the hell out".
As they leave through the door, the dog turns around to his owner and says "What did I do wrong!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oom7w/a_man_and_hs_dog_sit_at_the_bar/
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Two blonds are on opposite sides of a river

"Hey!!! How do I get on the other side??"
"You idiot!! You're already on the other side!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oolog/two_blonds_are_on_opposite_sides_of_a_river/
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What music does a balloon really hate?

Pop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oojkl/what_music_does_a_balloon_really_hate/
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So a couple is talking with each other and the husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time." The wife says,

"Out of all your friends you have the biggest dick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oof5j/so_a_couple_is_talking_with_each_other_and_the/
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You know that feeling

When a sentence doesn't end the way you blowjob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oocc2/you_know_that_feeling/
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What do you call a girl who catches fish?

Anette.
^^^^Just^thought^of^this^i'm^sorry^it's^bad..
Edit 2: Thanks everyone, this is my highest up-voted post ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oo9v8/what_do_you_call_a_girl_who_catches_fish/
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They say comedy is an aphrodisiac.

So I guess when women laugh at me after sex it's a good thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oo8oh/they_say_comedy_is_an_aphrodisiac/
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An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine! Oh, and another thing, ma'am. It seems one of the reins has looped across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. Have your husband take care of that right away also!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?"
"I'm not sure, something about the Emergency Brake..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oo6f8/an_amish_lady_is_trotting_down_the_road_in_her/
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An American woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An English girl."
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - the English girl!"
"Oh, that," she said, "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oo3bd/an_american_woman_goes_to_england_to_attend_a/
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A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door...

Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oo1oi/a_jehovahs_witness_knocks_on_a_jews_door/
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The three wise men walk into a barn...

...and see Joseph, Mary, and baby Jesus. Joseph asks why they are disturbing them as his wife had just given birth and needed rest. The first wise man said "I have brought gold for the child."
Joseph thanked him but ask that they leave. Then the second wise man said "I have brought frankincense for the child."
Again Joseph thanked him but was getting annoyed as they were interrupting a special moment between him and his wife. He then, forcefully, asked then to leave when the third wise man said "But wait there's myrrh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oo0w1/the_three_wise_men_walk_into_a_barn/
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Two gay men are on a plane.....

Their names were Justin and Ryan
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Justin.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Justin stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Ryan.
So Justin and Ryan have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5onzxa/two_gay_men_are_on_a_plane/
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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5onzrf/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
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My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5onsj2/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
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Two guys walk into a bar

They each order a drink.
The first guy eventually turns to the other and says, "I fucked your mother."
The second guy says, "Okay. Let's have another drink."
After they each finish their next drink, the first guy turns to the other and says, "I fucked your mother."
The second guy thinks nothing of it and says, "Okay, just one more drink," so they order another round at the bar and proceed to finish their drinks.
Finally, the first guy turns to the other and yells, "I fucked your mother!" The second guy can't take it anymore and says, "Okay dad it's time to go home, you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5onrdv/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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NSFW Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed?

Hubby: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Wife: What trick?
Hubby: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5onqs2/nsfw_wife_darling_do_i_please_you_in_bed/
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An old mans son is trying to convince him to move into a nursing home after his wife died.

The son tells his dad that it'll be good for him, and he'll be well taken care of.
"They'll cook you good food, and clean up after you, and you'll make plenty of new friends."
The old man thinks about it for a few weeks, and agrees to go for few weeks to try it out.
On his first morning there, he wakes up with a hard-on. Before he has a chance to even move, the most beautiful nurse he's ever seen walks in. She notices his boner under his sheets, and without a word, gives him the best blowjob he's had in years. When she's finished, she leaves without saying anything.
The old man is beaming ear to ear and calls up his son.
"Son, this place is great. I woke up with morning wood, and the most beautiful nurse came in and gave me a great blowjob! It was fantastic!"
The son replies, "Glad to hear you're enjoying yourself Pop, I hope you really like it there from now on."
Later in the day, the old man is walking back to his room, and falls down onto the ground. Suddenly, before he has a chance to get back to his feet, a massive orderly grabs him from behind. Without a word, the orderly screws him in the ass, and then leaves without saying anything.
The old man immediately crawls to the nearest phone, and tells his son about it.
"Son, you gotta get me out of here! I fell down and was butt-fucked by a massive male orderly!"
"Hang on a minute Dad. This morning you told me you got a blowjob from waking up with an erection. Maybe you just have to take the good with the bad, huh?"
The old man replies, "No, no, you don't understand! I only get an erection once every couple months. I fall down 5 or 6 times a day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5onq6u/an_old_mans_son_is_trying_to_convince_him_to_move/
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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble

And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab.
"How much is it to the airport?" He asks.
The driver says, "$15"
"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?"
The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?"
"$15"
"Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?"
And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.
He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.
He asks, "hey how much to the airport?"
Driver responds, "$15"
The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go"
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5onnu6/a_guy_goes_to_las_vegas_to_gamble/
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How do epileptics keep fit?

With strobe lights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5onn44/how_do_epileptics_keep_fit/
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Life With A Blonde Teenager…

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5onk11/life_with_a_blonde_teenager/
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When she screams "deeper!"...

...but you already have a degree in philosophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5onj80/when_she_screams_deeper/
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Dogs can't operate medical equipment...

But cats can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ongc1/dogs_cant_operate_medical_equipment/
%
A Frenchman, Englishman and a Scottish are captured by savages in the deepest jungle of the Amazonas...

Angry, the tribal leader tells them,
"You have trespassed our sacred grounds, and must be punished for it. One hundred times we shall hit each of you with our war clubs, but as traditions decree, all of you will be allowed a single small wish before the clubbing."
The Frenchman, being as smart as he is, asks for a mattress to be laid over him during the clubbing, however halfway through it, the mattress is ripped away by the pummeling and the french dies.
Then the Englishman asks for two mattresses to be laid over him, and the mattresses manages to hold all blows, saving his life. The savages, impressed by his wisdom, allows him to live.
The Englishman, grins at the Scottish with a haughty smile, telling him,
"Guess that you already know what to do."
The Scottish nods and tells to the savages,
"Put that English fucker ower me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ong13/a_frenchman_englishman_and_a_scottish_are/
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5on9wi/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for/
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I do not discriminate between white-collar and blue-collar workers

Because I am collar-blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5on0h2/i_do_not_discriminate_between_whitecollar_and/
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Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5omzgp/police_officer_can_you_identify_yourself_sir/
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Son: Dad, why is my sister's name Florence?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Florence, Italy.
Son: I guess that's a nice way of naming your kids.
Dad: Yeah, Backseat, it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5omwgk/son_dad_why_is_my_sisters_name_florence/
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What do you call a traffic jam full of trucks in Wisconsin?

A cheesy pickup line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5omwdc/what_do_you_call_a_traffic_jam_full_of_trucks_in/
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5omukb/a_blonde_woman_was_speeding_down_the_road_in_her/
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How do you know your wife is getting old?

When you say to her, "Let's go upstairs and have sex" and she says "I can't do both."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5omso6/how_do_you_know_your_wife_is_getting_old/
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A zoophile, a sadist, a pyromaniac, a necrophile, and a masochist...

A zoophile, a sadist, a pyromaniac, a necrophile, and a masochist are sitting around a table.
Zoophile: "I want to have sex with a cat."
Sadist: "I want to torture a cat and then have sex with it."
Pyromaniac: "I want to torture a cat, set it ablaze, and then have sex with it."
Necrophile: "I want to torture a cat, set it on fire, have sex with it, kill it, and then I want to have sex with it again."
Masochist: *Meow*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5omsip/a_zoophile_a_sadist_a_pyromaniac_a_necrophile_and/
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The Walnut Joke - Two boys were walking home one day when they came upon this huge walnut tree.

WALNUT JOKE - Two boys were walking home one day when they came upon this huge Walnut tree. One boy said, “Lets gather all the walnuts and then we’ll divide them between us.” So they gathered all the walnuts. They stuffed them down their shirts, down their pants, down their sox and even tied burlap bags to their ankles to put the walnuts in. Then they started walking home… When they came close to this cemetery, one boy said, “Let’s climb over the cemetery and divide the walnuts.” The other boy said “OKAY.” The first boy climbed over, but when the second boy climbed over he dropped two walnuts. The boy said, “Hey, I dropped two walnuts.” The other boy said, “Don’t worry we’ll get the two walnuts later… Then they began to divide up the walnuts. The first boy took the largest juiciest walnut and the second boy took the second best walnut. They went on dividing them by saying, “I’ll take this one,” “I’LL TAKE THIS ONE,” “I’ll take this one,” “I’LL TAKE THIS ONE,” “I’ll take this one,” and so on. Just then a little old man walked by the cemetery wall and heard the two distinct voices, “I’ll take this one,” “I’LL TAKE THIS ONE,” “I’ll take this one,” and so on. Well, when the old man heard this he yelled out, “OH MY BUDDA, it the devil and an angel dividing up the souls,” and ran away. While running away he met another old man and told him what had happened. The other man told him he was crazy, but would go with him back to the cemetery to see what was going on. When they arrived at the cemetery wall, the other old man heard what was going on. The two boys were just finishing dividing up the walnuts… I’ll take this one,”… “AND I’LL TAKE THIS ONE,”….Well that’s the last of them, now lets get the two outside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5omqop/the_walnut_joke_two_boys_were_walking_home_one/
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Two wind turbines are having a conversation

*What kind of music do you like?*
I'm a big metal fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ompc8/two_wind_turbines_are_having_a_conversation/
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What did the gay sheep say when it saw a female sheep?

Ewe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5omnbb/what_did_the_gay_sheep_say_when_it_saw_a_female/
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Quick Snowden

Transition into a woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ommu2/quick_snowden/
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Pickle joke

I was walking down the street eating my tiny pickle.
And someone bumped into me, knocking it out of my hand.
He apologized and I told him "it's not a big dill."
Thank you:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5omka7/pickle_joke/
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A blonde is walking her dog down the street...

when she decides to stop for a coffee in a little cafe on her street. She ties her golden retriever up to a lamp post and heads inside. The woman doesn't realize that her female dog is in heat, and a crowd of horny males quickly begin to gather around her.
Meanwhile, a police officer notices the crowd of dogs and recognizes the situation. Concerned for the innocent female, he heads inside the cafe to alert the owner.
"Who is the owner of the dog tied up outside?"
"Oh, she is mine officer" says the blonde.
"Do you realize that your dog is in heat?"
The blonde replies "I made sure she was in the shade officer!"
"No, that's not what I mean... Your dog wants to be bred, miss"
Again, the blonde does not understand.
"That's odd officer, I make sure to feed her kibble twice a day!"
The officer is agitated at this point and exclaims "Miss, you don't get it. Your dog wants to FUCK!"
The blonde excitedly gasps "Oh! Go for it officer! I've always wanted a police dog!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5omizh/a_blonde_is_walking_her_dog_down_the_street/
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A dog walks into a bar

"I'll have one ... beer."
Bartender replies "Why the pause?"
Dog says "Because I was born with them, asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5omi9a/a_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
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A monkey was in a tree smoking weed...

A lizard, walking by, looked up and saw him. "Yo, Monkey." Said the lizard. "What are you doing up there?"
The monkey looked down and answered him. "I'm smoking weed."
"Can I have some?" Asked the Lizard.
"Yeah, dude. Come on up here."
So the lizard climbed the tree and smoked weed with the monkey. They smoked and smoked until the lizard's mouth got dry and he became very thirsty. "Yo, Monkey." Said the lizard. "This weed is fire, but my mouth is so dry. Do you have any water?"
"Not on me." Said the monkey. "But there's a stream right over that hill and you can drink all the water you want there."
"Cool." Said the lizard, and he headed over to the stream. While he was drinking an alligator walked by."
"Yo, lizard." Said the alligator. You stoned as fuck."
"Haha, yeah," giggled the lizard.
"You got any more weed?" Asked the alligator.
"Not on me." Said the lizard, "but there's a monkey in the tree over there and he might have more."
The alligator walks over to the tree and yells up to the monkey. "Yo, monkey!" He yells. "Have you got any more of that weed?"
The monkey stared down at the alligator rubbing his eyes in disbelief. "Holy shit, lizard." He says. "How much water did you drink?!!"
ba dum tisshh.
This is a joke a drug councilor I had once told the class as an example of stupid stoner logic. I was stoned when he told us and I laughed my ass off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5omesf/a_monkey_was_in_a_tree_smoking_weed/
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The reporter and the arab

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5om8y7/the_reporter_and_the_arab/
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Guy at a bar is talking on his hand as if it were a phone....

After many beers a guy started talking on his hand as if it was a phone. The bartender notices but doesn't say anything.  Guy ordered another beer, and gets another call. By now the bartender is curious and asks the guy what he is doing with his hand.  Guy responds that it's a cell phone and he is answering call.  About this time guy feels nature calling and asks the bartender to watch is beer, and staggers off to the bathroom. Many minutes pass and the bartender is sure the guy has passed out in the restroom.  So he goes to check on him. Open the first stall, nothing. Second stall, nothing. Third stall, guy is standing in toilet, pants around ankles, with toilet paper coming out of his ass.  The bartender screams, "What the hell!?".  Guy said hold on I'm getting a fax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5om8q8/guy_at_a_bar_is_talking_on_his_hand_as_if_it_were/
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Wife: "Can you pick up milk?"

Me: *lifts gallon*
"Yeah, it's easy."
Wife: "I mean from the store."
Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5om4to/wife_can_you_pick_up_milk/
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Son:"Mom,Dad, I am gay"

Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD
Son: "No dad, I'm serious!"
Dad: "You're serious? I thought you were Gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5om4j6/sonmomdad_i_am_gay/
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Did you hear about that guy who had the entire left half of his body chopped off?

He's dead now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5om0ac/did_you_hear_about_that_guy_who_had_the_entire/
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The only time my wife will ever scream "Deeper, deeper!"...

Is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5olqvn/the_only_time_my_wife_will_ever_scream_deeper/
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Bought a cheap horse over the weekend. Problem is she sleeps all day.

What a nightmare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5olny5/bought_a_cheap_horse_over_the_weekend_problem_is/
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I was carefully measuring out a dab of Cannabis extract for my roommate, when she said,

"Did you remember to-- Oh, nevermind; you're concentrating."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oljo6/i_was_carefully_measuring_out_a_dab_of_cannabis/
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Heavy metal music video

A horse is watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5olbxs/heavy_metal_music_video/
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What would u call a clairvoyant midget who escaped prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ol7p8/what_would_u_call_a_clairvoyant_midget_who/
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My grandson asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone.

When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ol6du/my_grandson_asked_me_what_its_like_to_be_married/
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Why don't progressives go to the dentist?

Because dentists like everything straight and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5okz0o/why_dont_progressives_go_to_the_dentist/
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A jumper cable walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "I'll serve ya but don't start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5okyxk/a_jumper_cable_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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Boomshah! NSFW

Not an original, but a friend told it to me back in the 90s
3 men are drifting at sea in a life raft and see a large island in the distance and start paddling towards it. Eventually they arrive at the island, jump out of their raft and collapse on shore happy to be on solid ground.
All of a sudden they hear tribal drums and see a bunch of island natives rush up to them, spears drawn. A man who looks like their chief says to them,
"You have desecrated our sacred beach, you have two options. Death or Boomshah. Pick now."
The 1st of the three men thinks, I didn't survive that raft to die now. He chooses Boomshah.
A big tribal native picks the weary man up and preceeds to ass rape him. The chief declares Boomshah!
The 2nd man, thinks longer than the first after seeing what Boomshah is but chooses Boomshah in the end. The chief declares,
"You have chosen Boomshah, but since you took too long..."
A bigger tribal man comes and the 2nd survivors gets a worse ass raping. There is blood, and the man is barely conscious.
The chief turns to the last man. Without hesitating the man states he chooses death.
At this the chief and all the other tribal members start laughing hysterically.
The chief clears his throat and says, "He has chosen death.... by BOOMSHAH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5okskb/boomshah_nsfw/
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Three mean have all died and arrive at the Pearly Gates all together.

They are greeted by a small ball of light that introduces itself as an angel, and lets them know that due to budget cuts, only one of them may be admitted. When amazingly, nobody questioned the idea of heavenly budget cuts, the angel continued. In order to decide who would ultimately get the spot, he said, they would need to find whose death was the most tragic of the three. Without further delay, the first man steps forward.
"I live on the tenth floor of my apartment building with my wife," he began. "Over the last few weeks I had suspected she was cheating on me, so tonight I came home from work early. I searched the apartment but didn't find anyone. Feeling foolish, I stepped out onto our balcony, only to be greeted by a pair of hands clinging to the rail. Seeing red now, I grabbed a hammer and began to smash his fingers until he let go. Unfortunately, he landed in the hedges down below and was still alive. Deciding to end it, I managed to shove our refrigerator out to the balcony and over the rail. But I kind of went over with it. I squashed my wife's lover but broke my back and neck on the fridge. And now here I am."
Now stepped forward the second man, looking furious at the first as he began to tell his story. "I live on the twelfth floor of the same apartment as him. I had been drinking a bit and leaned a bit too far over my balcony. I was lucky enough to grab the rail of the balcony two floors down, but then this asshole grabs a hammer and starts slamming my fingers with it. After I fell into the bushes, I was too hurt to move. When I looked up, all I see is a huge refrigerator coming toward me. Then, splat."
"That's horrible!" the Angel announced, before turning to the third man. "And you, sir?
The man sighed and palmed his face. "Ok, picture this," he said. "I'm hiding in my girlfriend's refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oksi0/three_mean_have_all_died_and_arrive_at_the_pearly/
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I'm a vertebrate that's in love with the president elect.

I guess you could say I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5okpff/im_a_vertebrate_thats_in_love_with_the_president/
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I've been reading up on the thesaurus lately...

... because the mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oklx2/ive_been_reading_up_on_the_thesaurus_lately/
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So, they recently discovered a recording of Michael Jackson covering Bob Marley

It was titled "One Glove"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oki7l/so_they_recently_discovered_a_recording_of/
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A wise man once told me that you should love with your heart and use your head for everything else

He died of a concussion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5okf2f/a_wise_man_once_told_me_that_you_should_love_with/
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Three chinese men named Hu, Fu and Chu come to the USA to live the American Dream

Chu calls himself Chuck and opens a dry cleaning business.
Hu calls himself Huck and opens a dollar store.
Just Fu goes back to China disappointedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5okd3g/three_chinese_men_named_hu_fu_and_chu_come_to_the/
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Who is the most popular guy on a nude beach?

The guy carrying two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts.
*ba dum dishhhh*  Yeah, don't worry people.  Like this joke, I recycle a lot of things.  No need to thank me - you're welcome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5okb3z/who_is_the_most_popular_guy_on_a_nude_beach/
%
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Opportunity

That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oka7m/knock_knock_whos_there_opportunity/
%
I'm hospital for an appointment and I saw a toddler playing with a donkey toy.

ICU baby, shaking that ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ok7rq/im_hospital_for_an_appointment_and_i_saw_a/
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Where is the most conflict in a loaf of bread?

The middle yeast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ok1wk/where_is_the_most_conflict_in_a_loaf_of_bread/
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So I was outside of a bar smoking a cigarette...

And I see this man walking an alligator on a leash and harness. As he aproaches the bar to enter, the bouncer stops him and says "hey man, are you serious? You can't bring that gator in here."
The man replies "come on he's on a leash and he is very well trained. I just want to grab one drink and I'll be on my way."
The bouncer says " sorry man, I can't let you in"
The man insists and says "I'll show you a trick and if you're impressed you have to let us in"
At this point there's a crowd forming in the street, itching to see what this guy will do next, so the bouncer agrees.
The man removes the harness from the gator and pulls his pants down. He proceeds to open the gators mouth and stick his dick inside it's mouth. He shut the gators mouth and hit it on the head 5 times with a stick. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his penis, which was completely unharmed.
Everyone in awe, the man exclaimed "would anyone else like to try?"
An old lady in the back of the crowd then responded "I will if you don't hit me on the head with that fucking stick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ok12h/so_i_was_outside_of_a_bar_smoking_a_cigarette/
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How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?

Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ok02d/how_many_times_can_you_subtract_the_number_5_from/
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TIFU by bathing incorrectly

Whoops, wrong tub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojy38/tifu_by_bathing_incorrectly/
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What does Brokeback Mountain and the NFL have in common?

The cowboys both suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojx3m/what_does_brokeback_mountain_and_the_nfl_have_in/
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An American, an Indian and a Chinaman are hiking through a forest in Africa

On their way they get captured by a Cannibal tribe. The tribal leader comes up to them and says, "I'll let you guys go if collectively your dicks measure longer than mine." The tribal leader has his penis measured and it comes out to be 11.25 inches. The three men get nervous.
The American decides to go first and pulls his pants down and measures his dick. In measures 6 inches.
Then, the Indian goes and measures it to be 5 inches. Both of them are relieved and convinced they will go free.
Finally the Chinaman goes and measures it to be 0.5 inches. Everyone is shocked but true to his word, the tribe leader lets them go free.
On their way, the American says, "if it wasn't for me and my dick, all of us would've died!". The Indian responds saying, "Yea well, I was just close behind, we almost died cause of the Chinaman!".
The Chinaman says, "Fuck you guys! Just thank fucking god I was erect!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojvno/an_american_an_indian_and_a_chinaman_are_hiking/
%
"What's your name?"

"Colin Fucking Wilson."
"Have you got Tourrettes?"
"No, but the Vicar at my Christening did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojv87/whats_your_name/
%
Blindman from the village

Six nuns are washing themselves all together when the doorbell rings.
One nun goes to the door and says 'who is it?'
An elderly gentleman replies "It's the blind man from the village" so the nun shouts to the others, "don't worry it's just the blind man from the village, I'll let him in."
She lets him in and goes "how can we help?"
The gent replies "I'm just going to go measure your blinds, but nice tits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oju18/blindman_from_the_village/
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Another blonde joke

A professor told his class:
"Fame will come to you only after you succeed!"
A blonde asked, "Who is 'Seed'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojszc/another_blonde_joke/
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Emotions are like shit

Sometimes you've gotta let it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojrgh/emotions_are_like_shit/
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Words cannot describe your beauty...

But numbers can. 4/10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojrd6/words_cannot_describe_your_beauty/
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Bear on drugs

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says,
"You are now. That was a barbitchyouate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojq84/bear_on_drugs/
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You see, I have to catch

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojq3c/you_see_i_have_to_catch/
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how do you get down from an elephant?

you don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojnag/how_do_you_get_down_from_an_elephant/
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Sad Times

Just arrived home after seeing a good friend and fellow campervanner take his last, I was to honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motorbike crash.
At the hospital, just before he went, he beckoned me toward him, he couldn't speak due to the pipes and tubes so I moved closer as he pointed at his mouth. I said I didn't know what he wanted and asked if he could write, he nodded vigorously so I passed him some paper from his bedside cabinet and took the pen from my pocket. Unfortunately, as he was writing, he stopped, the machine that he was attached to started to make that ominous monotone that tells you its all over.
The paper dropped from his hand as the nurses rushed in and tried in vain to revive him but all to no avail, he now knew all the answers to all the questions ever asked, including the ultimate. I returned to my bike in the car park with heavy heart, trying to avoid looking into the faces of the mixed patients, visitors and hospital workers. I got to the bike without breaking up, and, as I fumbled for my keys I rediscovered the note from the recently deceased. By now it was all crumpled up so I attempted to iron it out on the petrol tank.
It just looked gibberish so I returned it to my coat pocket. I have now got home and was about to throw it away but the though hit me, it might be some sort of final message with hidden importance, there are no spaces between the words, it just appears to be a jumble of letters. I decided to share it on reddit to see if anyone could decipher it, I never was any good at anagrams or conundrums so here it is in its entirety (I'm not sure whether or not he finished before he shuffled from our mortal coil ) it says "GETOFFMYFXXXXXXOXYGENPIPEYOUFATTWA"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojmgo/sad_times/
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An elderly couple. A long one but good

An elderly couple is worried that they are starting to fprget simple things, so they go to a doctor for a check up.
The doctor looks them over top to bottom but doesn't find anything.
"It seems you two are perfectly fine so all that I can suggest is anytime you want to remember something, simply write it down".
The couple believe that's a great idea amd so they go home with renewed confidence.
Later that evening, the couple are watching television and he decides to grab a drink.
"Need anything my dear" he asks?
"Could you grab me some ice cream.  Here write it down" she tells him.
"No need my dear, ice cream coming up"!
"Oh and some chocolate sauce please.  Want to write it down"?
"Ice cream with chocolate sauce, got it".
"And a cherry dear" she asks "sure you don't want to write it down"?
"Ice cream with chocolate sauce and a cherry. Ive got it hun".
The elderly man is gone for 10 minutes and the woman begins to worry.  He comes back woth scrammbled eggs, bacon and orange juice.  The woman looks at the food and says
"Oh dear, you forgot the toast"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojlmz/an_elderly_couple_a_long_one_but_good/
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I dig, she dig, he dig, we dig, they dig,

Now, It's not a very beautiful poem but it's very deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojksi/i_dig_she_dig_he_dig_we_dig_they_dig/
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A guy goes up to the Yukon and wants to hear some old Gold Rush stories....

so he goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he knows any old stories.   Bartender says "you best ask old Ned." and indicates towards a man sitting in the corner in a wheelchair.
Old Ned is wizened with a long scraggly beard.   He has a comforter across his knees as he nurses his beer.
"Hey, are you old Ned? "
"Yep"
" I hear you may have some stories about the Gold rush..."
"Oh sure" says Ned.   "I remember one time, I was panning for gold, and a thought I heard a rustling sound behind me.   So I turn around and standing there was a 10 foot polar bear and it went RROWRRRL!!!, and I just shit myself."
The man said, "well, gosh Ned, that could happen to anyone with a 10 foot polar bear right beside them."
"No, I just shit myself making that "rrrowrrl" sound."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oji2a/a_guy_goes_up_to_the_yukon_and_wants_to_hear_some/
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What did the Zero say to the Eight?

"Nice belt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojgw8/what_did_the_zero_say_to_the_eight/
%
How much is twelve units of mass?

Dozen matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojbpn/how_much_is_twelve_units_of_mass/
%
A blonde joke...

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He then takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..... he said with a deep sigh" ............
"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojbcb/a_blonde_joke/
%
You know what's really odd?

Numbers not divisible by two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojawy/you_know_whats_really_odd/
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If two wrongs dont make a right, what do two rights make?

An Airplane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ojag5/if_two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right_what_do_two/
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I'm Mexican and my teacher asked me to turn in my essay.

But I ain't no snitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oja6d/im_mexican_and_my_teacher_asked_me_to_turn_in_my/
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People say Donald trump is inexperienced as a politician...

But he's the best damn liar I've ever seen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oj6rj/people_say_donald_trump_is_inexperienced_as_a/
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Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oj4qs/police_officer_can_you_identify_yourself_sir/
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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins...

He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands: “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies: “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oj4lv/a_police_officer_sees_a_man_driving_around_with_a/
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I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's seven years ago

But it feels like it was just yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oj3il/i_was_diagnosed_with_alzheimers_seven_years_ago/
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A Russian doctor is treating his patient.

*"Take this for insomnia... take this for depression... and take this for anxiety."*
*"Thank you Doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides Vodka?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oj3ez/a_russian_doctor_is_treating_his_patient/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oj1hv/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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What do vegan zombies eat?

GRAAAAAAAINS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oj16q/what_do_vegan_zombies_eat/
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Which sex position makes the ugliest kids?

Ask your parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oj0ls/which_sex_position_makes_the_ugliest_kids/
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A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.
They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at a rapid pace. Jamaal is quickly transporting the coal and the two have quite the efficient operation going.
Slowly Frank's pick begins to go dull and his shovel handle is breaking off. Jamaal's transportation cart has a rickety wheel and they need replacements from their supply man, Wong. However, Wong is nowhere to be found. In fact, no one has seen him all day long. Frustrated, Frank and Jamaal go to find the manager and explain the situation. The manager is equally upset.
The three of them go about the mine looking to find Wong. They search high and low, but Wong can't be found anywhere. Extremely frustrated and about to give up, they decide to take a look down a dark, abandoned shaft. They peak their heads in and suddenly Wong jumps out of nowhere and yells, "SUPPRIES!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oiznt/a_white_guy_a_black_guy_and_a_chinese_guy_go_to/
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When a girl buys a Vibrator

, it's cool. But when a guy buys that FuckMaster 5000 Pro Latex blow up doll, with the 6 spend pulsating self lubricating pussy with the non-drip collection nut tray with optional built in realistic orgasm surround sound system, he's a f*cking perv. Just don't make no sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oiy4a/when_a_girl_buys_a_vibrator/
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So a missionary is spreading the word

of God as he see it in the deepest darkest parts of the African jungle. Since companionship is scarce, he entertains himself in the evenings by sitting outside his crude shelter and playing his violin.
As time passes he notices that the animals have begun to come out of the jungle when he plays and sit around the clearing peacefully while he plays. After a while he notices his audience has grown quite large and he marvels at Gods grace in providing a place for all creatures to coexist.
One evening in the midst of his recital an old lion steps from the jungle into the clearing and stands for a while looking at the missionary. Suddenly the large cat pounces on the holy man, tears him to shreds and begins to dine on his innards. A hyena rushes up to the lion and yells at him to stop, "What the fuck are you doing, he says, why couldn't you just sit and enjoy the music like the rest of us?"
The old lion cups a paw behind his ear and screams back,"WHAT".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oiy2k/so_a_missionary_is_spreading_the_word/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker are capured by cannibals...

The cannibal leader says,
"We're gonna skin you, eat you, and use your skin for our canoes. However, you get to choose how you die." He gestures at a huge chest full of weapons.
He points at the Englishman. "You're first."
The Englishman, tears rolling down his face, pulls out a gun from the box, and shoots himself in the head, saying, "God save the Queen."
The Frenchman is next. He walks over to the chest and pulls out a bottle of poison. "Vive la France," he says, and drinks the whole bottle, collapsing on the ground.
Finally, it's the New Yorker's turn. He runs over to the chest, grabs a fork, and stabs himself all over his body, shouting,
"Screw your damn canoe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oiwxl/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_a_new_yorker_are/
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Three fathers and their sons secret

Three fathers are talking about their sons. The first father says, "my sons a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini". The second father said, "my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht". The third father says, "my sons the CEO of a big company. He's so rich he just bought his best friend a castle". Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about. The other three fathers say, "we're talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?" The fourth father says, "well my sons a gay stripper." The other three fathers say, "oh wow, you must be really disappointed." The fourth father replies with, "well not really, he's doing really well. His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oivo4/three_fathers_and_their_sons_secret/
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Lawyer's Car

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"
"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.
"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oiuqw/lawyers_car/
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I am digging old jokes from my hdd: 1. Hospital

>hey guys, seeing this subreddit full of repost jokes make me want to dig old jokes i saved in my laptop. these are mostly in my native language, so forgive me with bad translation.
Hospital
A father asked the doctor in a mental hospital, "Doctor, how do doctors know someone is not normal and should be hospitalized here ..."
"Oh, we do a test," said the doctor, "We gave him the tools: teaspoon, cups and buckets. Then we told him to empty the bathtub. We noticed how he did it ... "
"Oh see," nodded the father, "A normal person would use the bucket, not a cup or spoon, right ..?"
"Not so," doctor shook his head.
"A normal person would pull the drain plug beneath the tub. So, when you want to sign in ...? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ois2g/i_am_digging_old_jokes_from_my_hdd_1_hospital/
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I was asked how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently in HD wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oip5m/i_was_asked_how_i_view_lesbian_relationships/
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A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie appeared.

The genie looked at the man and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish, when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie, "That was your first wish, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oing2/a_man_was_sitting_alone_in_his_office_one_night/
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I'm not a racist....

guy:  I'm not a racist, but you look good today.
girl:  Thanks... but that wasn't racist at all.
guy:  I know, I said I wasn't racist.  You <pick a race> never listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oijnx/im_not_a_racist/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves...

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oigzs/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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If I were black...

I'd stand in front of a tanning salon and laugh at all the customers.
Source: Neal Brennan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oigl7/if_i_were_black/
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A black man and a white man walk into a bakery

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The white man replies, "Look in the black mans back pocket....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oibig/a_black_man_and_a_white_man_walk_into_a_bakery/
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They say marriage is like a three ring circus ...

There is the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oiakm/they_say_marriage_is_like_a_three_ring_circus/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.

"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oiajq/arnold_schwarzenegger_opens_his_own_shopping_mall/
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What's the difference between theory and practice?

Reading one of the posts currently in the front of /r/jokes reminded me of one of the Polish jokes about technical universities:
> We call something theoretical knowledge when things don't work correctly but everybody knows why.
> We call something practical knowledge when things work correctly but nobody knows why.
> This is technical university. We are proud to call ourselves the masters of both theory and practice - nothing works correctly and nobody can tell why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oiai5/whats_the_difference_between_theory_and_practice/
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A man walks into a chiropractor's office...

A man walks into a chiropractor's office and says, " doc, youve got to help me...I think I'm a moth." Doc says, "I can't help you, youve got to see a psychiatrist." Man says, "yes, I know." "Then why did you come here?" "The light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oi93w/a_man_walks_into_a_chiropractors_office/
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oi7wb/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
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A guy goes to the hospital

and the doctor says, "I've got bad news, you've got cancer.  But that's not all.  We've also discovered that you have Alzheimer's."
The man says, "Well at least I don't have cancer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oi702/a_guy_goes_to_the_hospital/
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What do you call an epileptic cow?

Beef jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oi6zn/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_cow/
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Three guys stranded on an island

I didn't make this up, and it may very well be a repost, but I heard it as a kid and haven't really ever heard it told again since. Goes something like this:
Three guys crash land on an island. Immediately they are captured by the indigenous tribal people. It becomes clear that these people are cannibals. The men beg for their lives, as anyone  would. Through a bunch of hand-waving, drawing pictures in the sand, etc the men learn of a ritual the tribal people let prisoners perform in a chance to save their lives.
First, the men are sent out into the jungle to collect 10 pieces of any fruit they find. So off they go.
The first guy comes back with 10 oranges. The tribe chief explains that now he must put all 10 pieces of fruit up his ass without making any noise. The guy gets to like one and a half before he cries out in pain. He's immediately killed and eaten.
The second guy comes back with grapes. The chief explains the next challenge to the guy. He gets to 9 grapes and he laughs. The tribe kills and eats him right there on the spot.
The first two guys meet up at the pearly gates. The first guys asks the second: "what happened? you were almost home free!"
The second guy replies: "yeah, I know... but right as I was almost done I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oi69h/three_guys_stranded_on_an_island/
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What happens to male anarchists as they get older?

They go from having anti-state issues to having prostate issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oi5f2/what_happens_to_male_anarchists_as_they_get_older/
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What do you call an Irish lesbian?

Gaelic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oi5f1/what_do_you_call_an_irish_lesbian/
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Jack and John

A guy in a plane stood up and shouted "Hijack!" Everyone panicked. From the other end of the plane a man stood up and shouted back "Hi John!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oi2wu/jack_and_john/
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What do you do if someone has a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in your laundry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oi1lt/what_do_you_do_if_someone_has_a_seizure_in_the/
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A mushroom walks into a bar...

... The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungai!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohziy/a_mushroom_walks_into_a_bar/
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If you sit on your hands 15 minutes before filling in an exam,

it feels like somebody else is disappointing for your teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohz41/if_you_sit_on_your_hands_15_minutes_before/
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Earth, Venus, Mars, and Jupiter were going to setup a party

But they failed because nobody knew how to planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohyce/earth_venus_mars_and_jupiter_were_going_to_setup/
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My wife says I act really immature and need to grow up

I told her to get the hell out of my pillow fort with that negative attitude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohv98/my_wife_says_i_act_really_immature_and_need_to/
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Everyone was admiring me in the gym while I was working out.

I think they liked my new suit and tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohv1r/everyone_was_admiring_me_in_the_gym_while_i_was/
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Just got my wife a matching bag and belt set for her birthday.

Let's hope the vacuum cleaner works better now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohu8v/just_got_my_wife_a_matching_bag_and_belt_set_for/
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I just found out that my sister is an actress in porno movies. That really drives me crazy

and That really drives me crazy: Part 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohu8c/i_just_found_out_that_my_sister_is_an_actress_in/
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How do you get a fat person into bed?

Piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohtkf/how_do_you_get_a_fat_person_into_bed/
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Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.
Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"
Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"
He was extremely proud of himself and thought his wife would be happy with him for saving money.
Instead his wife screams, " Ben-zona! Why didn't you run behind a taxi, and save $15?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohtbq/jewish_guy_runs_home_from_work_panting_and_trying/
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What's the difference between a pizza and a woman

The crust on the pizza tastes good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohs01/whats_the_difference_between_a_pizza_and_a_woman/
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The Big Horse Race

Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post:
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosum is being pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.
Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.
Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohrfi/the_big_horse_race/
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Girl vs Boy jokes

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohqdk/girl_vs_boy_jokes/
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11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on    your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse/shirt.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that - with a little help from Muzak - you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohpvi/11_reasons_to_go_to_work_naked/
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Bill,Marla and innocent son

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohosm/billmarla_and_innocent_son/
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When is the Bible accurate?

When it's thrown from a short distance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohn5q/when_is_the_bible_accurate/
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Why was Jesus not born in Australia?

Because God could not find three wise men and a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohm7u/why_was_jesus_not_born_in_australia/
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It's amazing, when a dog licks its own arse it's perfectly normal. But when I do it...

I get arrested for bestiality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohhl7/its_amazing_when_a_dog_licks_its_own_arse_its/
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohf4y/a_woman_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
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Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ohe9o/nude_beach/
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Colin Mochrie's best joke.

Our top story today: Convicted hitman Jimmy 'TwoShoes' McClardy confessed today that he was once paid to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures.
Police admit this might be the only case of a knickknack paddywhack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oh8j3/colin_mochries_best_joke/
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I needed a password at least eight characters long

so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oh6d3/i_needed_a_password_at_least_eight_characters_long/
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When she screams "deeper!"...

But you're all out of poems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oh577/when_she_screams_deeper/
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What is the difference between white teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls?

White teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oh56z/what_is_the_difference_between_white_teenage/
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I hope Joe Biden will run for president in 2020

Because when he announces it he's able to say that he's been Biden his time.....
I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oh52r/i_hope_joe_biden_will_run_for_president_in_2020/
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Whats the similarity between a reddit user and a vulture?

Both are dead inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oh06p/whats_the_similarity_between_a_reddit_user_and_a/
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Cheese shop exploded

Thankfully I was only hit by da brie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ogvyn/cheese_shop_exploded/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman enter a strip club...

They immediately sit in front of the front podium just when the club's top performer Chasity comes out to perform.
She bends over in front of the three men. The Scotsman pulls out a £10 note and sticks it on on her left arse cheek.
The Englishman pulls out £20 and sticks it on her right arse cheek.
The Irishman pulls out his debit card, swipes it down her arse crack and withdraws the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ogvky/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_enter_a/
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“What's the difference between sin and shame?”

“It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oguea/whats_the_difference_between_sin_and_shame/
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Q: What is the lightest thing in the world?

A: A penis because just a thought can lift it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ogtf9/q_what_is_the_lightest_thing_in_the_world/
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I slept like a baby last night...

...I woke up screaming because I had shat myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ogrds/i_slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
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Two reasons I won't give money to homeless people.

1. They're probably just going to buy beer with that money.
2. I'm going to buy beer with that money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ogr47/two_reasons_i_wont_give_money_to_homeless_people/
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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver,

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening..!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ogqtp/how_my_husband_and_i_terrified_a_taxi_driver/
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The Old Washing Machine

Husband walks behind his wife and says, " Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine." The Woman keeps quiet and keeps walking. Bedtime comes around, the husband starts to get amorous. Wife says: "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ogn3q/the_old_washing_machine/
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The whole Greek Mythology could be summed up in one line............

"Unfortunately, Zeus was feeling a bit too horny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oglt8/the_whole_greek_mythology_could_be_summed_up_in/
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A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!"

Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oglnq/a_little_boy_kills_a_butterfly_dad_says_no_butter/
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Why is yoda a bad navigator?

"are we going the right way?"
Yoda: "Off course, we are"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ogl97/why_is_yoda_a_bad_navigator/
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A grandmother was shopping with her grandson...

A grandmother was shopping in town with her 4 year old grandson. As they sit down on the bus home, she passes him some chocolate. After he eats it, he asks for another piece.
"No dear. If you eat too much chocolate, you'll get fat."
At the next stop, a heavily pregnant lady gets on to the bus. The boy gets up and yells: "I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oggpj/a_grandmother_was_shopping_with_her_grandson/
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So I was having sex with this chick and she kept calling out another blokes name.

What kind of name is 'rape' anyway?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oggb9/so_i_was_having_sex_with_this_chick_and_she_kept/
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A White guy, a Black guy and a Mexican are out in a boat fishing

when a big storm blows up and threatens to sink them.
The men begin praying, and the storm disappears.&nbsp; They look up and see Jesus walking towards them across the water.&nbsp; Jesus says to the men, "Because of your faith, I will heal each of you."
Jesus turns to the White man and says, "Your arthritis is cured."&nbsp; The White man rubs his hands and exclaims, "It's true, my hands don't hurt any more!"
Jesus turns to the Mexican and says, "Your vision is restored."&nbsp; The Mexican blinks and says, "My cataracts, they're gone!"
Jesus turns to the Black man, who throws up his hands and says "DON'T TOUCH ME, I'M ON TOTAL DISABILITY!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ogcfu/a_white_guy_a_black_guy_and_a_mexican_are_out_in/
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10 Ways to cut down on clickbait!

Does anyone know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ogc7a/10_ways_to_cut_down_on_clickbait/
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The Ghosts of Presidents Past

Donald Trump is spending his first night in the White House when he is visited by the ghost of George Washington.
Trump says, "Georige, you were a great American hero. What can I do to make America great again?"
Washington's ghost replies, "You must always tell the truth like I did."
Trump thinks a second and says, "What do you know? You're such an over-rated President. The only reason people think you're so great is that you were first and had no predecessors to compare with. And your wife Martha? What a dog. If you had staminah like I do, you'd have a smoking hot wife like me. I don't need your advice."
And so the ghost of Washington disappears.
The very next night, Trump is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson
Trump tells the ghost, "TJ, great American. What do I need to do to make America great again."
Jefferson's ghost says, "You must always listen to the American people and put their needs ahead of yours."
Trump thinks a second and says, "Bah, who needs that? Who are you anyhow? Over-rated, that's who. And having sex with one of your slaves? That's sick. And I know sick, trust me. I'm done with you."
And so Thomas Jefferson's ghost vanishes.
The third night, Trump is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
Trump says, "Abe, you're yuuuuge! Tell me what I need to do to make America great again."
The ghost of Lincoln says, "You should go to a play."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oga7r/the_ghosts_of_presidents_past/
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Why does Trump like French music?

Because he likes to grab them by Debussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5og9rz/why_does_trump_like_french_music/
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I have sexdaily

I mean dyslexia, fcuk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5og56g/i_have_sexdaily/
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Damn, girl... Are you a Pokémon?

Cause I wanna make your vulva sore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5og4ao/damn_girl_are_you_a_pokémon/
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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5og2d7/a_teacher_asks_her_class_what_do_you_want_to_be/
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So my dyslexia makes it hard for me to take public transportation and...

...oops. Sorry. Wrong bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5og1dc/so_my_dyslexia_makes_it_hard_for_me_to_take/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5og18q/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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I think my girlfriend would make a good plumber

She keeps bringing up old shit from weeks ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5og0n1/i_think_my_girlfriend_would_make_a_good_plumber/
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I bought my girlfriend 2 presents for her birthday

I got her a new pair of shoes and a dildo. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ofw2r/i_bought_my_girlfriend_2_presents_for_her_birthday/
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10 Type of people in this world

There are 10 type of people in this world. People that understand binary, and people that don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ofuf9/10_type_of_people_in_this_world/
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An intern and government official

An intern and a top secret government official are at a nuclear arms facility and there are two buttons. The top secret government official says, "Now intern, do not press any of these buttons. The 1st button will activate our Weapons of Mass Destruction." The intern asks, "Well what about this button?" He presses the 2nd button. The government official shouts, "You idiot! You activated our Weapons of Ass Destruction!" The intern asks, "What happens now?" The government official replies, "We're going to get fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ofsgt/an_intern_and_government_official/
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Justin Bieber is on a game show...

He is asked the question; "what is one of the most popular pieces of clothing in India?" Bieber's mind is racing, well as fast as his mind can race, but the timer buzzes. Time is up.
Put out, Bieber cries out, "Is it too late to say sari?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ofs86/justin_bieber_is_on_a_game_show/
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What did Spock find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?

The Captain's Log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ofqso/what_did_spock_find_in_the_toilet_of_the_starship/
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What did the Alabama woman say when she lost her virginity?

Dad you're crushing my cigarettes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ofpvg/what_did_the_alabama_woman_say_when_she_lost_her/
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Donald Trump is going to be president in 4 days.

That..that's it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ofpo1/donald_trump_is_going_to_be_president_in_4_days/
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How do you circumsize an Alabama man?

Kick his sister in the chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ofonx/how_do_you_circumsize_an_alabama_man/
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I saw a BMW driver using their turning signal!

But then I woke up from my dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ofoac/i_saw_a_bmw_driver_using_their_turning_signal/
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How do telepaths have an orgasm?

They get their mind blown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ofn0q/how_do_telepaths_have_an_orgasm/
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How do you mess with a blind person?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ofevi/how_do_you_mess_with_a_blind_person/
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3 Squires Battle

So there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.
The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.
The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren’t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.
The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.
..and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ofcnk/3_squires_battle/
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There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick.

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says 'no', his cock will shrink 5 inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says, "No", and his prick shrinks five inches.
The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big."
So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog says, "No, I won't marry you."
The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his dick is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great.
He goes back to the frog and asks, "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "How many times do I have to tell you -- NO, NO, NO!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5of7rl/there_is_this_guy_who_has_a_25_inch_dick/
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What is 4 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy when they see it?

An empty toilet paper roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5of1d0/what_is_4_inches_long_2_inches_wide_and_drives/
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An atheist is walking through the woods

and he is suddenly set upon by a bear.  He falls to the ground, and in his panic, calls out "Oh God, help!"
And suddenly time freezes, and a light shines upon him, and a voice calls out from on high: "**YES?**"
The atheist is a might surprised but manages to respond: "Well God, I never really believed in you, and it feels dishonest to ask for your help now, but could you do me a favor, and make the bear religious?"
"**YES, I COULD DO THAT**"
And there is a flash of light, and when the Atheist's vision clears, he see the bear kneeling over him, its paws clasped together.
"What are you doing?" asks the atheist.
"Praying over my dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5of12i/an_atheist_is_walking_through_the_woods/
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What is a Mexican's favorite sport?

Cross country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oez7a/what_is_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
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A priest is walking through town at his new parish when a hooker approaches him.

"Blowjobs for $20 if you're interested".  Confused by this he smiles, blesses her and goes back to the church.  He sees one of the nuns and asks her, "Sister, what's a blowjob?"  She replies, "$20. Same as in town".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oeujo/a_priest_is_walking_through_town_at_his_new/
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Two golfers are playing a round...

One of them slices one hard and after a bit of a search he comes back complaining of how much he hates losing golf balls. The other guy says;
"I actually have a ball that's impossible to lose... I'll give it to you"
"Impossible?" the first guys says, "That's hard to believe. What if it lands in water?"
"No problem... it floats"
"What if it's dark?"
"It glows in the dark."
"What if it lands in tall grass?"
"It will emit a whistle so you know where it is."
"What if lands like really far into the Bush?"
"You pair it with your phone and track it that way."
"That's amazing," says the first golfer, "where did you get it?"
"I found it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oent9/two_golfers_are_playing_a_round/
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People say I'm condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oelvl/people_say_im_condescending/
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The Three Cheerio Worlds.

Once upon time in a land far, far away lived three Cheerio worlds: Perfect Cheerio World, Mediocre Cheerio World, and Non-perfect Cheerio World. Anybody who was anybody wanted to reside in Perfect Cheerio World, but unfortunately only the lucky few got the honor of living in Perfect Cheerio World. In Non-perfect Cheerio World there was a Cheerio named Joe. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was a regular person just like you and me. Day in and day out though he wished for a better world to live in. He believed he deserved the chance to experience Perfect Cheerio World because he worked his Cheerio butt off 24/7.
One night when Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was on his way home from work, a Cheerio Genie visited him. The Cheerio Genie had noticed Non-perfect Cheerio Joe's constant dedication to his job, friends, and family and thought that he deserved a little loving himself. The Cheerio Genie allowed Non-perfect Cheerio Joe to have one wish. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe wished that he could go to Perfect Cheerio World for a day. The Cheerio Genie, being the good cheerio that he is, granted Non-perfect Cheerio Joe his wish.
Come Saturday morning after a long week at the office, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe awoke in a place unfamiliar to him. He knew immediately that he was in Perfect Cheerio World. A Perfect Cheerio soon approached him. Oh how Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was envious of this cheerio. He wasn’t cracked or broken and looked like he had taken a nice dip in Skim Milk. A world with Skim Milk? Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was jealous, that’s for sure. The Perfect Cheerio introduced himself and coincidentally his name was Joe as well. What are the odds?
Perfect Cheerio Joe started to tell Non-perfect Cheerio Joe about all the fun and exciting things that Perfect Cheerio World has to offer. Perfect Cheerio Joe offered to be Non-perfect Cheerio Joe’s tour guide for the day. “First things first,” Perfect Cheerio Joe said, “We must go get some breakfast!”
Perfect Cheerio Joe and Non-perfect Joe walked into a little café and went to the front of the line. The cashier politely told them that they had to wait at the back of the line. “Where’s that?” Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.
"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then you’ll reach the end of the line," said the cashier.
Perfect Cheerio Joe and Non-perfect Cheerio Joe obliged and waited on the long line to get their breakfast. Next, Perfect Cheerio Joe said that Non-perfect Cheerio Joe had to go to the National Cheerio Museum. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe loved museums so he happily agreed. When they arrived at the National Cheerio Museum, they first had to purchase tickets to see some exhibits. They walked up to the ticket booth where they were told to head to back of the line. “Where’s that?” Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.
"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then you’ll reach the end of the line."
Although the line was long, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was ecstatic because he got to see the first Cheerio ever created. Perfect Cheerio Joe then recommended they go see a movie because Non-perfect Cheerio World doesn’t have any movie theaters. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe picked the movie, Unrequited Love for a Honey Nut Cheerio. Even Cheerios love romantic comedies. The movie theater was gorgeous and Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was so happy until they had to buy tickets for the movie and they had to go to the back of the line. “Where’s that?” Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.
"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then you’ll reach the end of the line."
Once they were in the movie theater, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe knew that he couldn’t have the full movie experience without popcorn. He quickly left the theater during the previews and went to buy some popcorn. He was told to head to the back of the line. These long lines were really starting to bother Non-perfect Cheerio Joe, but he knew he was only here for a day so he had to experience it all. “Where’s the back of the line?” Nonperfect Cheerio Joe asked.
"It wraps around the theater, so head south on Strawberry Street. Then make two rights. Next walk two blocks down and make a left onto Grain Road, then you’ll be at the end of the line."
Non-perfect Cheerio Joe hoped the popcorn would be worth it. Just as he sat down in his seat with his popcorn the movie was beginning. I know what luck! Damn previews. After the movie was finished, Perfect Cheerio Joe recommended going to a party so that Non-perfect Cheerio Joe could meet a bunch of Perfect Cheerios. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe loved all Cheerios so he was pumped! When they arrived outside of the party they had to wait in line to enter. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was getting a wee bit frustrated when he asked where the end of the line was.
"Walk 1.37 miles. Then when you get to the fork in the road take a right. Then you need to make one right, one left, one right, and one left. After that you’ll be at the end of the line."
Although Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was exhausted by the time they got into the party he was still ready to dance the night away. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe and Perfect Cheerio Joe headed straight to the dance floor and boogied all night. Two hours in, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe got thirsty. Perfect Cheerio Joe mentioned that the punch at this place was the bomb dot com. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe decided that without punch he would probably pass out. After waiting all day on so many lines Non-perfect Cheerio Joe knew what to expect. He walked up to the Cheerio serving the punch and said, “Where’s the punch line?”
The server looked at him confused, “There is no punch line.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oeldj/the_three_cheerio_worlds/
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What's more awkward than getting a boner in public?

Your girlfriend getting a boner in public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oegkt/whats_more_awkward_than_getting_a_boner_in_public/
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Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oeetg/relationships_are_a_lot_like_algebra/
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My mother in law bought a talking parrot, but returned it a week later.

"This parrot hasn't spoke a single word." She complained.
"I haven't had a fucking chance to!" Replied the parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oecbq/my_mother_in_law_bought_a_talking_parrot_but/
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Three women are sitting at a bar talking about how loose they are...

One can fit in a sausage, one can fit in a cucumber and the third one just slides down onto the bar stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oebv3/three_women_are_sitting_at_a_bar_talking_about/
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I met this 14 year old online, and she told me she is an undercover cop...

How COOL is that for someone her age?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oe9oq/i_met_this_14_year_old_online_and_she_told_me_she/
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I wouldn't trust atoms if I were you.

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oe8jp/i_wouldnt_trust_atoms_if_i_were_you/
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What is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. "
"Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people."
"The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oe5qm/what_is_politics/
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Larry La Prise, the creator of the hokey pokey died this week....

Every thing went well with the funeral except putting the body in the casket
They put the left leg in....
And then the trouble started

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oe5am/larry_la_prise_the_creator_of_the_hokey_pokey/
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A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, West Virginia, and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant at a Soothing Approach Gynecology Center.

Interested, he wants to learn more. "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up a file and says, "The job entails helping ladies get ready for the gynecologist in a soothing and relaxing manner. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you're going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That's about 250 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?" the young man asks.
"No, sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oe0jr/a_young_guy_goes_to_the_job_center_in_charleston/
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I saw a Buzzfeed article about the top 10 ways to execute someone.

Number 3 will shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5odzdo/i_saw_a_buzzfeed_article_about_the_top_10_ways_to/
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Senior citizens.

During a visit to the doctor, the senior citizen asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," the doctor said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," the senior citizen said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5odwnv/senior_citizens/
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Omegle joke

Guy 1: Hey!
Guy 2: Hey.
Guy 1: I'm pretty sad, can you give me a joke?
Guy 2: Sure! Knock Knock.
Guy 1: Who's there?
Guy 2: Disco.
Guy 1: Disco who?
Guy 2: Disconnected.
'Your conversational partner has been disconnected.'
Guy 1: ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5odvyx/omegle_joke/
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I accidentally sent my essay to a 3D printer

It came out as a pile of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ods73/i_accidentally_sent_my_essay_to_a_3d_printer/
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Yesterday I took LSD and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours.

On a side note, our garden hose is completely wrecked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5odow5/yesterday_i_took_lsd_and_i_wrestled_with_a_grass/
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Do I know you?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me? To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids! Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I'm your son's teacher.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5odm2k/do_i_know_you/
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If you dress up as a banana and eat a banana

Is that canabananalism?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5odlmd/if_you_dress_up_as_a_banana_and_eat_a_banana/
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Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese person?

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5odjzr/why_is_it_so_hard_to_break_up_with_a_japanese/
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I've got the eye of the tiger, the heart of the lion...

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5odjb5/ive_got_the_eye_of_the_tiger_the_heart_of_the_lion/
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Why does MLK only get one day, while sharks get an entire week?

I guess it's because they're great whites...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5odi1b/why_does_mlk_only_get_one_day_while_sharks_get_an/
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Why didn't the girl go on a date with the artist?

Because he was sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oddsf/why_didnt_the_girl_go_on_a_date_with_the_artist/
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I've got a good middle eastern joke

Isreali funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oddjo/ive_got_a_good_middle_eastern_joke/
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I looked into my partner's eyes and said to the priest, "I do."

If nobody else was going to object to the marriage, then I guess I had to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5odcph/i_looked_into_my_partners_eyes_and_said_to_the/
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Grandpa looks at his grandson and says, "Go hide! Your teacher is here because you skipped school today."

The grandson says, "No, you go hide. I told her you were dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5odbb2/grandpa_looks_at_his_grandson_and_says_go_hide/
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A guy walks into a pub..

.And sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5odajy/a_guy_walks_into_a_pub/
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They are serving "Trump Soup" at the inauguration banquet

Stewed Orange and Chickpea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5odacg/they_are_serving_trump_soup_at_the_inauguration/
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I watched Al Jazera and was very disappointed.

Not nearly enough music from the 1920s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oda18/i_watched_al_jazera_and_was_very_disappointed/
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A man wakes up one morning...

He rolls out of bed and begins to wrap himself in cellophane.
The man, completely cocooned in cellophane, hops into his car and begins to drive himself to the local psychiatrist's office.
He walks into the psychiatrist's office and says:
"Doctor, I haven't been thinking right lately... I think I need to schedule an appointment with you."
The psychiatrist takes one look at the man and replies:
"Sir, I don't believe an appointment is necessary, I can clearly see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5od86z/a_man_wakes_up_one_morning/
%
I just got arrested for using my iPhone

It looks like I'm going to Face Time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5od72j/i_just_got_arrested_for_using_my_iphone/
%
Which country has the nicest children?

Germany.
German children are kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oczp1/which_country_has_the_nicest_children/
%
Coworker: Give me two dollars to eat this rotten grape.

Me: Hell yes.
Wikipedia: Give us two dollars to continue running one of the largest repositories of free knowledge in history.
Me: Who the fuck do you think I am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oczi0/coworker_give_me_two_dollars_to_eat_this_rotten/
%
I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.

I guess I'll never know why he so badly wanted an ex box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5octp2/ive_just_got_my_son_a_flat_piece_of_cardboard_for/
%
Golf comes first!

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5octcs/golf_comes_first/
%
Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ocs5u/deaf_sex/
%
What's a Freudian slip?

It's when you say one thing but mean your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ocrey/whats_a_freudian_slip/
%
I got fired from my job at the sperm bank.

I guess you can't keep saying "Get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ocqpj/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_sperm_bank/
%
The police are looking for a stole toilet from the police station.

At the moment they have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ocpwn/the_police_are_looking_for_a_stole_toilet_from/
%
A penguin is driving through the desert

The car begins to lurch and smoke pours from the hood. The penguin stops at a small gas station on the side of the otherwise desolate road. Luckily, a mechanic is available. "Give me a few minutes and I'll let you know what I find out" he tells the stranded penguin. So the penguin heads inside the gas station's market and buys an ice cream. He steps outside to eat it. The hot desert sun begins to melt the ice cream faster than the penguin can consume it. It makes a mess. The mechanic returns to the penguin, looks at him, and says "well, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin responds "oh no, that's just ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ocm1m/a_penguin_is_driving_through_the_desert/
%
A dyslexic man ...

... walks into a bra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ocjvn/a_dyslexic_man/
%
Why did Stalin ally himself with Hitler?

He thought they had the same political leanings. After all, three reichs should make a left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ocjoy/why_did_stalin_ally_himself_with_hitler/
%
I keep my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time.

Easy! It's right next to the sage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ochie/i_keep_my_herbs_in_alphabetical_order_people_ask/
%
Old Man’s Stories

The First One Said: “My Hands Shake So Bad That Today I Shaved And I Cut My Face!”
Second Old Man. “My Hands Shake So Bad That When I Trimmed My Garden Yesterday I Sliced All My Flowers!”
The Third Old Man Laughed And Said: “That’s Nothing Friends. My Hands Shake So Bad That When I Took A Piss Yesterday, I Came Two Times.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ocg7p/old_mans_stories/
%
When people show me pictures of their kids, I show them pictures of my exes

If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ocfm1/when_people_show_me_pictures_of_their_kids_i_show/
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A jobless man applied for the job

of "sweeper" at Microsoft.
The HR interviewed him..
Then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
"You are Appointed" he said.
"Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the forms to fill in".
The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."
"I'm sorry", said the HR manager...
"If you don't have an email, that means u do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all.
He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket.
He then decided to go to the supermarket & buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a Door to Door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital.
He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60.
The man realised that he can survive this way, and started to go everyday earlier and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.
Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US .
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life Insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email."
The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!"
The man thought for a while and replied,
"Yes, I'd be an sweeper at Microsoft!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ocero/a_jobless_man_applied_for_the_job/
%
A woman gave birth to twin boys, but gave them up for adoption.

One was adopted by a Mexican family, and they named him Juan.
The other was adopted by a Palestinian couple, and they named him Amal.  Years later, the birth mother & her husband wanted to find and meet their two sons they had to give up years ago.  They were able to track down Juan and were finally able to meet him.  They so overcome with Joy, they started to look for Amal.  They searched & searched but couldn't find Amal.  The woman was distraught, but her husband tried consoling her:  "Honey, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5occ8u/a_woman_gave_birth_to_twin_boys_but_gave_them_up/
%
How to test your dog's IQ

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $19.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oc944/how_to_test_your_dogs_iq/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates...

When you've reached the end you feel sick, ashamed, and you just want to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oc6zk/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What do Superman and Bloods have in common?

They're both getting killed by a Kryptonite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oc524/what_do_superman_and_bloods_have_in_common/
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What General Custer last saw

My dad recently told me a joke that he was very proud of. It goes like this:
A man and a wife hire a well known artist to paint what General Custer saw in his final moments. Weeks go by and they finally hear from the painter. The husband and wife meet with the painter when he is ready to unveil his work. The artist takes the sheet off of his painting and the wife faints instantly.
The painting consists of a few cows with wings and halos floating above the ground on one side, and a bunch of Indians having sex on the other side.
Husband: "what the hell?! How does this at all represent what Custer saw in his final moments?"
Artist: "what do you mean? Look -- 'Holy cow! Look at all those fucking Indians!' "
Thank you, dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oc09p/what_general_custer_last_saw/
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The internet is amazing

One minute you're at work looking at random webpages; the next, you're at home looking for a  new job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obxf8/the_internet_is_amazing/
%
What's the worst vegetable to have on a boat?

My fucking retarded son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obwzw/whats_the_worst_vegetable_to_have_on_a_boat/
%
Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that's ever served me.

With just the Tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obvzw/not_to_brag_but_ive_satisfied_every_waitress/
%
Dry January is going really well.

Even if everyone keeps saying that I need to shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obus8/dry_january_is_going_really_well/
%
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her

Calm down, it's not what you think...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obtzn/when_a_girl_says_she_wants_you_to_splurge_on_her/
%
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday.

It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obtk9/i_had_lunch_with_a_chess_player_yesterday/
%
The difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obsb8/the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and_a/
%
When my wife left, I was sad and lonely

So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obrpo/when_my_wife_left_i_was_sad_and_lonely/
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If your donkey eats my chicken, what are you left with ?

A cock inside your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obrg0/if_your_donkey_eats_my_chicken_what_are_you_left/
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What's the difference between Martin Luther King Jr. Day and St. Patricks Day?

Everyone want to be Irish on St. Patricks Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obmts/whats_the_difference_between_martin_luther_king/
%
What's the best way to kill a pirate?

Gas them with argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5objgz/whats_the_best_way_to_kill_a_pirate/
%
What’s the difference between a baby and a feminist?

At some point in it’s life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obif4/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_feminist/
%
A man comes home to his wife from his job...

...with a happy smile on his face.
– Hey, i just got fired!
– Then why are you so happy?
– The rest were imprisoned!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obfwn/a_man_comes_home_to_his_wife_from_his_job/
%
A man runs into a bar

, dashing through the doors, wearing absolutely nothing but a sheet of plastic wrap covering his entire body. The bartender stares at the man and says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obf8b/a_man_runs_into_a_bar/
%
My friend said that China might be considering assisted suicide for teenagers

He's probably wrong, but if he's right, that would mark the beginning of euthanasia of youth in Asia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obeow/my_friend_said_that_china_might_be_considering/
%
A reporter is interviewing a 110-year-old man

... And asks him his secret to longevity. "It's simple," the man replies, "I never argue with anyone, so I have no stress in my life."
The reporter laughs it off: "That's ridiculous. That can't possibly be the reason."
The man shrugs and says, "Yeah, you're probably right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obdev/a_reporter_is_interviewing_a_110yearold_man/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

-To get to the idiot's house
-Knock Knock
-Who's there?
-The chicken
-The chicken who?
-The chicken who crossed the road
.
.
.
.
Brought to you by my 3-year-old sister. :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5obc60/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Three friends attending Duke were taking Chemistry, and were confident that going into the final they had a solid A.

They were so confident that the weekend before the final they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.
They had a great time, but were so hung-over that they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until late Monday morning.
They rushed to their professor to give their excuses as to why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time.
The professor thought it over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The friends were relieved and very proud of their story.
They studied that night and went in the next day to take the test. The professor placed them all in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
The first problem was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.
"Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy."
They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for the question they saw on the next page.
WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ob9qc/three_friends_attending_duke_were_taking/
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Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you, how could that happen?

Me: We have the same teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ob93i/teacher_you_have_the_same_mistakes_as_the_person/
%
A young woman accidentally summons a genie.

"What is your wish?" asked the genie.
"World peace!" blurted the idealistic but naive young woman.
"People give me that all the time. I am not that powerful. Sorry. Wish something less powerful." replied the genie.
"This dog is very loyal and loves me. Turn him into a man so he will also be loyal and loves me." the woman asks the genie.
The genie snaps his fingers. The dog turns into a handsome young man and the genie disappears.
The young man sadly looks at the woman and says "I really wish you didn't have me neutered."
________________
with inputs from /u/KJBenson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ob5qd/a_young_woman_accidentally_summons_a_genie/
%
Went out dressed as a chicken last night and got with a girl who was dressed as an egg and a life-long question was answered...

Turns out, it was the chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ob1kv/went_out_dressed_as_a_chicken_last_night_and_got/
%
What did the penis say to the testicles ?

You two hang around here while I go inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oaxgv/what_did_the_penis_say_to_the_testicles/
%
God went to a Frenchman

He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'
'
What are they like?' The Frenchman replied
'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God
'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.
'What are they like?' The German questioned
'Thou shall not kill' God replied
'Hmmm, perhaps not' The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments
'What are they like?' The Italian inquired
'Thou shall not steal' Answered God
'Perhaps not' The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments
'How much are they?' The Jew asked
'They're free' God answered
'I'll take ten' Said the Jew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oavdn/god_went_to_a_frenchman/
%
Why was the used garlic naked?

Because it had no cloves left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oatss/why_was_the_used_garlic_naked/
%
What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oatgp/what_do_the_mafia_and_pussies_have_in_common/
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The President of America wants to test three agencies...

So he releases a rabbit into a forest and puts the FBI, CIA, and LAPD to the job of tracking down and returning the rabbit.
The FBI go in first, and after questioning all sources conclude that rabbits don't exist and if they did they came from out of space, the test is a hoax.
The CIA go in second and quickly decide it is a conspiracy theory and the President is in on it with the rabbits and so stop their investigation.
The LAPD go in and come out ten minutes later with a badly beaten up bear saying "ok, ok I'm a rabbit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oas8a/the_president_of_america_wants_to_test_three/
%
I had a dream I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram

I was - like - 0MG.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oarzz/i_had_a_dream_i_weighed_less_than_a_thousandth_of/
%
I want to be a virgin all my life

I want to set a good example for my kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oanqu/i_want_to_be_a_virgin_all_my_life/
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A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oamv1/a_man_stands_over_the_coffin_of_his_deceased_wife/
%
A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, orders a beer, walks over to the piano, and sets his beer down on it. The piano man's monkey climbs over and pees directly into the glass of beer. The man says
"Hey, do you know your monkey peed in my glass?!?"
The piano man says
"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll play it for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oamh5/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A computer once beat me at chess

but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oal30/a_computer_once_beat_me_at_chess/
%
[NSFW] Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, and although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'Whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way. She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts, "OK, OK... I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oak0u/nsfw_joe_wanted_to_buy_a_harley_motorcycle/
%
A lawyer walks into a bar.

Says "Hey can I get two beers. One for me one for my colleague who is right behind me. He must have gotten lost."
A minute later the other lawyer walks in and says "Sorry, I passed the bar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oahmy/a_lawyer_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Observational humor isn't funny

See?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oaghj/observational_humor_isnt_funny/
%
What do you call a woman of the night playing a trumpet?

A prosti-toot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oaf5u/what_do_you_call_a_woman_of_the_night_playing_a/
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The golf joke

What's the best part about golf?
It's the only activity where you actually aim for the hole under 18 and you don't go to jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oaf2x/the_golf_joke/
%
One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden.

When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.
Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.
The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night."
"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oaerl/one_day_john_looks_over_the_fence_and_spies_sams/
%
A man finds God and asked

Man: "God... How long is a millenium to you?"
God: " 1 second "
Man: "God.... How much is a billion dollars to you?"
God: " A penny "
The man started stroking his chin and got an idea.
Man: "God.... Can you lend me a penny?"
God: " Sure.... Just give me a second "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oaeb0/a_man_finds_god_and_asked/
%
What do Indian flowers grow?

Patels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oadq5/what_do_indian_flowers_grow/
%
The difference between snowmen and snowwomen.

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oadga/the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
%
16 sodium atoms walks into a bar....

followed by Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oacpn/16_sodium_atoms_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oabsw/a_priests_asks_the_convicted_murderer_at_the/
%
Billionaire needs a transfusion

A billionaire business man is in hospital dying, and he desperately needs a blood transfusion. So he tells his Jewish friend, "I'll pay you 1 million dollars if you let me use your blood form my operation."
His Jewish friend agrees.
A few weeks later the business man needs yet another blood transfusion. so once again he goes to his friend and says, "I'll pay 10, 000 dollars for another blood transfusion."
Once again his friend agrees.
A month later the business needs yet another transfusion. He goes to his friend and says, "I'll pay pay you 10 dollars if you help me again."
the friend says "First it was 1 million, then 10 grand and now a tenner, why has it gone down so much?"
To which the business man replies:
"It must be the Jewish blood in me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oabl5/billionaire_needs_a_transfusion/
%
Today I was so bored that I put a bit of sugar right in front of an ant.

The ant spent some good minutes eating the sugar, as it left to call his other ant friends, I cleaned it up so they would think she's lying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oa90c/today_i_was_so_bored_that_i_put_a_bit_of_sugar/
%
My brother can dish it out, but he can't take it.

He since lost his job as a waiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oa7d9/my_brother_can_dish_it_out_but_he_cant_take_it/
%
Bruno Mars, Venus Williams and Freddie Mercury walk into a bar

But they didn't planet that way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oa5d1/bruno_mars_venus_williams_and_freddie_mercury/
%
Joke by my 6 year old niece

6: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me:I don't know why?
6: He didnt, he got hit by a truck!
Still gets me 13 years later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5oa20k/joke_by_my_6_year_old_niece/
%
My wife has the body of a woman half her age.

I suppose I should call the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9wi1/my_wife_has_the_body_of_a_woman_half_her_age/
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A redneck is getting

A blowjob from his sister.
"You suck dick like mom does"
"I know, Dad told me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9wd2/a_redneck_is_getting/
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When Jerry Seinfeld dies...

I really hope his tombstone says:
*Jerry Seinfeld
1954 yadda yadda yadda 20XX*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9vza/when_jerry_seinfeld_dies/
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A boy is curious about the male visits his mother gets...

...so he hides in the closet of her bedroom to find out what is going on. He sees his mother having sex with a man. Suddenly they hear his father coming home, and the man hides in the closet in which the son is already in.
The son says "Pretty dark in here". The man asks him "What are you doing in here" - "I saw everything" the son replies, "but I won't tell dad if you buy my football" - "How much you want for it" the man asks. "$250". The man sees not other option an pays.
A week later they got the same scenario. The man hides in the closet where the boy is already waiting. "Pretty dark in here" - "How much do you want?" - "$750 for my football shoes". The man pays.
A week later the father of the son wants to go play football. The son tells him, that's not possible, because he sold his football equipment for $1000. "Thats way to much!" the father says, "I'm gonna take you to the church to confess".
The boy enters the confession room and mumbels "Pretty dark in here". The priest replies "Oh what the hell, give me a break!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9ubs/a_boy_is_curious_about_the_male_visits_his_mother/
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NSFW Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9t6t/nsfw_does_anybody_have_an_example_of_a/
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NSFW I had sex with my teacher.

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9sw6/nsfw_i_had_sex_with_my_teacher/
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An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.
One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe.
For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome.
After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world.
Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest.
He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China.
Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle.
Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike.
"My name is Yu! It's an honor to meet you!" the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick.
It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town.
However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu.
Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too.
The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu's father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider.
By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave.
Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded.
Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn't have his beloved Chinese maiden.
So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do....
*Rick rolled* back into town screaming,
*"I'm never gonna give Yu up!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9rvw/an_american_biker_decides_to_travel_the_world/
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A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D..

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9qjp/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_with_the_lapd/
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What is Marie Curie's favorite movie?

It's A Wonderful Half-Life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9o0o/what_is_marie_curies_favorite_movie/
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Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9nqa/interviewer_how_much_milk_do_these_cows_give/
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What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9m0m/what_do_you_call_someone_who_points_out_the/
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Conjunctivitis.com

Now there's a site for sore eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9lt2/conjunctivitiscom/
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The sperm is swimming towards the egg...

The breakfast is ruined!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9k7a/the_sperm_is_swimming_towards_the_egg/
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A giant fly has attacked the city.

Quick! Somebody call the swat team!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9jr6/a_giant_fly_has_attacked_the_city/
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eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9i9z/ebay_is_so_useless/
%
Boss: "You're an hour late!"

Guy who is about to invent daylight savings time: "Haven't you heard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9i5o/boss_youre_an_hour_late/
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I have a medium penis...

It can communicate with dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9hio/i_have_a_medium_penis/
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A priest, a lawyer, and a pediatrician are on a ship that is going down..

The pediatrician shouts, "Save the children!"
The lawyer yells,"Fuck the children!"
The priest then replies "Do you think we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9fze/a_priest_a_lawyer_and_a_pediatrician_are_on_a/
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I'm 27, my BF is 37. Is 10 years too much of an age gap?

'cause his son is 17 and really hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9fo3/im_27_my_bf_is_37_is_10_years_too_much_of_an_age/
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What's the worst thing to come across while browsing the internet?

Your keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9d15/whats_the_worst_thing_to_come_across_while/
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What do you get when you inject human DNA to a goat?

A permanent ban from the petting zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9bst/what_do_you_get_when_you_inject_human_dna_to_a/
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A friend of mine told me all my clothes were gay...

"Keep your voice down!" I yelled, "some of them are still in the closet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o9bg2/a_friend_of_mine_told_me_all_my_clothes_were_gay/
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A bank is a place that will lend you money

if you can prove that you don’t need it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o98uq/a_bank_is_a_place_that_will_lend_you_money/
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My uncle was a homosexual magician

He could walk down the street and suddenly turn into a gay bar.
Then he'd disappear with a pouf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o96lf/my_uncle_was_a_homosexual_magician/
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What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

A woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o934s/what_gets_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
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When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day...

Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o91a1/when_i_greeted_my_boss_in_the_morning_he_told_me/
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Don't eat royal sausage in Vietnamese noodle soup

Trust me, it's the Pho King Wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o90p7/dont_eat_royal_sausage_in_vietnamese_noodle_soup/
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Engineering Class

My teacher tells me there are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o906i/engineering_class/
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Two rednecks run into each other on a rural country road...

One of them is carrying a big bag with the label "chickens".
The other notices the bag and says "if I guess how many chickens there is in the bag can I have one of them?"
The one holding the bag says "hell if you guess how many chickens im holding in this bag ill give you both of them"
The other guy scratches his head and guesses "umm five?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8xl3/two_rednecks_run_into_each_other_on_a_rural/
%
A police officer pulls over a man...

Officer: Sir, you were swerving quite heavily back there. I would like you to take this breathalyzer test.
Man: I'm sorry officer, but I can't do that.
Officer: Well why not?
Man: I have asthma. If I do that I'll have an asthma attack and die.
Officer: Ok. How 'bout we go down to the station and do a blood test?
Man: I'm sorry officer, but I can't do that either.
Officer: Well why not?
Man: I am a hemophiliac. If I do that I'll bleed to death.
Officer: Ok. Well how 'bout I draw a line with chalk and you try to walk.
Man: I'm sorry officer, but I can't do that either.
Officer: Well why not?
Man: I'm too drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8wum/a_police_officer_pulls_over_a_man/
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Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

Because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8wml/why_did_paul_walker_cross_the_road/
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My deity ignored my prayers today.

The sacrifice was a disaster. First, I didn't have the correct incantation, and then the goat knocked over the candles.
I guess two wrongs don't make a rite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8vtb/my_deity_ignored_my_prayers_today/
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What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on?

1961

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8vrk/what_is_one_thing_that_both_australians_americans/
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Tyrone's First Day of School

Tyrone's first day in the first grade he came home crying. When his mother asked why, he replied, "The teacher told us to say our ABC's and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to the letter E. Why is that? His mom said, "Because you black and they white."
The next day Tyrone was crying again. "What's wrong today, Tyrone?" his mother asked. Tyrone said, "Teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get up to 10. Why is that?" The mom answered, "Because you black and they white."
The third day he came home smiling. "What happened today, Tyrone?" asked his mom. "We went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all, because I'm black and they white, right mama?" She said, "No, Tyrone, it's because you 17 and they 6."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8u2b/tyrones_first_day_of_school/
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A billionaire is in a hospital and needs a blood transfusion.

He turns to his Jewish friend and says. "I'll pay you 100,000 dollars for a blood transfusion. The Jew happily agrees? Excited for the money.
Then a month later the man needs a another transfusion and offers the Jew 10000 dollars for the blood. The Jew happily agrees.
Then a month later the man needs another blood transfusion. He offers the Jew 10 dollars. The Jew says "first 100000 then, 10000 now a ten? What's wrong?"
The man then says "must be all the Jewish blood in me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8tuv/a_billionaire_is_in_a_hospital_and_needs_a_blood/
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How do you tell if someone is ticklish?

You give them a couple of test-tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8sp6/how_do_you_tell_if_someone_is_ticklish/
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I used to crush cans for a living, didn't like it though...

It was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8rto/i_used_to_crush_cans_for_a_living_didnt_like_it/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first says, "I'll have a beer."
The second says, "I'll have one half of a beer."
The third says, "I'll have one fourth of a beer."
Frustrated, the bartender pulls out two bottles and says, "You guys should know your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8rgs/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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Contagious

Once upon a time a teacher in a little school in South Virginia gave her 2nd grade students a small homework assignment. It was to listen for the word contagious and share the story with the class the next day.
The next day the teacher asked "so did anyone hear the word contagious?" A few hands shot up. The teacher called on Sal.
"When me and my mom went to visit grandma in the hospital my mom said, "grandma is very contagious, make sure to wash your hands after we visit." The teacher clapped and called on Bob next
"My dad and I saw a dead rat on the side of the street. Pa said it might have a contagious disease." The teacher clapped and called on Jimmy next.
"Yesterday my pa and me saw an old lady painting a big barn with a tiny little brush and me pa said "it's going to take that contagious to finish painting that barn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8r40/contagious/
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A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thought...

"Some asshole's got my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8qy0/a_nurse_found_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
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What Did Cinderella Say When She Got To The Ball?

Nothing...she just gagged a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8qp1/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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What Did The Sushi Say To The Bee?

Wassup bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8ntr/what_did_the_sushi_say_to_the_bee/
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Daddy what is a transvestite?

-Ask Mommy, he knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8ndu/daddy_what_is_a_transvestite/
%
I always bring a second pair of pants when I go golfing

just in case I get a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8n02/i_always_bring_a_second_pair_of_pants_when_i_go/
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Which blood type was created by mistake?

Type O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8ktp/which_blood_type_was_created_by_mistake/
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Blondes Find A Mirror

Two blondes finds a mirror on the sidewalk. The first blonde picks it up, looks into it, and says, "Hey, I know this person! I've seen her somewhere before." The second blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, "Duh! Of course you have -- that's me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8k1m/blondes_find_a_mirror/
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Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a big smile on his face.

Mike says, "Pat what are you so happy about?"
"Well Mike i gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat and a redhead came up to me boobs out to here, Mike...boobs out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat!' So I took her way out Mike. I turned off the key and said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim Mike, she couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat siting at tne end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "Well what are you so happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a beautiful blond came up to me...boobs out to here, Mike, boobs out to here! She said, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took here way out Mike. Way out much further that the last one. I turned off the key and said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim Mike, she couldn't swim!"
A couple of days pass and Mike walks into a bar to see Pat down there crying over a beer. Mike says, "Pat what are you so sad about?"
"Well Mike I gotta tell ya...yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and the most desirable brunette came up to me...boobs way out to here Mike, boobs way out to here. She said, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out Mike, way way out much further than the last two!
I turned off the key, looked at her boobs and said, 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and...She had a pecker Mike! A great big pecker! And... I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8jpn/mike_walks_into_the_bar_and_sees_pat_sitting_at/
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I don't like cocaine

I only like the smell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8i0b/i_dont_like_cocaine/
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what do asians do when they have an erection?

they vote...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8gdi/what_do_asians_do_when_they_have_an_erection/
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What did the snot say to the nose?

I gotta run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8duo/what_did_the_snot_say_to_the_nose/
%
One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Vale Road," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"
"Well lady," replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8dt7/one_rainy_spring_night_in_belfast_a_taxi_driver/
%
There are three kinds of women: the intelligent, the beautiful,

and the majority.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8dl5/there_are_three_kinds_of_women_the_intelligent/
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

They don't change it. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8d6l/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters.

She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.
"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"
On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8cxz/on_monday_morning_the_teacher_walked_to_the/
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How do you make a dead baby float?

-2 scoops vanilla icecream
-2 scoops baby
-Add rootbeer and serve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o8cwk/how_do_you_make_a_dead_baby_float/
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At least people that have hit rock bottom are disciplining their pet rocks

This joke brought to you by my ten year old son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o896z/at_least_people_that_have_hit_rock_bottom_are/
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Two guys walking down the street come across a dog licking his balls...

* Guy one says "I wish I could do that"
* Guy two says "Don't you think he will bite you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o88c8/two_guys_walking_down_the_street_come_across_a/
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The entire plot of spiderman

A teenage boy finds out he can  shoot white stuff out his body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o87h0/the_entire_plot_of_spiderman/
%
How do you know if a complete stranger is vegan?

They already told you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o83xm/how_do_you_know_if_a_complete_stranger_is_vegan/
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What do robots do on a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o835d/what_do_robots_do_on_a_one_night_stand/
%
A man took an airline to court because his luggage was stolen.

Unfortunately, he lost his case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o81do/a_man_took_an_airline_to_court_because_his/
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Today I was told that I sing like an amputee.

Apparently I can't hold a note or carry a tune.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7zwo/today_i_was_told_that_i_sing_like_an_amputee/
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Why did Ms. Frizzle get fired from teaching Sex Ed?

She told the class to take chances, make mistakes, and get messy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7z0x/why_did_ms_frizzle_get_fired_from_teaching_sex_ed/
%
The Captain of a warship is awoken by one of his officers

The Officer yells,
"Sir there is an enemy ship on the horizon!"
The Captain is quiet for a moment and then says,
"Bring me my red shirt."
The Officer is surprised by this,
"Your red shirt sir?"
The Captain nods,
"yes, so if I am wounded in battle the men shall not notice!"
They win the day and sink the enemy, but the next morning the Officer awakens the Captain again,
"Sir the entire enemy fleet is on the horizon!"
The Captain is quiet for a moment then in a soft voice he says,
"bring me my brown pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7y2f/the_captain_of_a_warship_is_awoken_by_one_of_his/
%
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's.

One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.
The second dog turned to him and asked, "What are you in here for, buddy?"
"I'm in big trouble," he said. "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the seats. Now he's having me put to sleep."
"I know how you feel," said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself--I crapped all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too."
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you in here for?" they asked.
"Well," said the third dog. "My owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!"
The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?"
"No," said the third dog. "I'm having my nails clipped."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7xrh/three_dogs_were_sitting_in_the_waiting_room_at/
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Met a microbiologist this morning

He was bigger than I expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7vxu/met_a_microbiologist_this_morning/
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Whats Hillary Clinton's Favorite Kind of Pizza?

Little Seizures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7o32/whats_hillary_clintons_favorite_kind_of_pizza/
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How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?

Tenants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7k3l/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_fill_an_apartment/
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Old perverted Joke

This is a dumb joke but I always remembered it being told at 12. Sorry in advanced if most of you think its Dumb.
A family goes to a nude beach. The father, mother, and their only son.  The Father goes for a walk, the mother is sun bathing and the son goes for a dip.  The son runs to mom and says mom why are those guys junk bigger than dads. she responds the bigger they are the dumber they are.  He runs to play again then runs back to mom. Mom I saw a woman with bigger breasts than yours why? She responds the bigger they are the dumber they are. He goes and plays again, then comes back and tells his mom that he saw the dumbest woman in the world and dad is talking to her getting dumber and dumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7jo8/old_perverted_joke/
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whats the best thing about an ethiopian blowjob?

they always swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7hxg/whats_the_best_thing_about_an_ethiopian_blowjob/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

an IMPASTA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7gf9/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
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If I had a dollar for every woman that finds me unattractive...

...then after a while they would find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7gd2/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_woman_that_finds_me/
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"Describe yourself in three words"

"Incapable of following basic instructions and cool"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7e0e/describe_yourself_in_three_words/
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What do you call a chicken looking at lettuce?

Chicken caesar salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7chh/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_looking_at_lettuce/
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I fucking hate Black History month

It's the darkest month of the year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7cdb/i_fucking_hate_black_history_month/
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I am a professional counterfeiter.

I even have the certificates to prove it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7a2g/i_am_a_professional_counterfeiter/
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I gave my son some masturbation advice.

"Slow the fuck down, you're going to rip my cock off." I told him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o79wt/i_gave_my_son_some_masturbation_advice/
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What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator?

The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o793y/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_guy_and_a/
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My neighbor is both a taxidermist and a veterinarian

He has a sign that says either way you get your dog back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o77z4/my_neighbor_is_both_a_taxidermist_and_a/
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And the Lord said unto John...

"Come forth and you will receive eternal life."
But John came fifth, and he won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o773u/and_the_lord_said_unto_john/
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.The man demands the key to the stone door.The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”The man is relieved to no end.He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.But I can't tell you because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o76yl/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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My mother called me a son of a bitch...

I barked back angrily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o7643/my_mother_called_me_a_son_of_a_bitch/
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Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat?

Not because he was into beastiality you Islamophobe...
He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o75tb/why_was_the_muslim_rubbing_the_goat/
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I was forced to put my grades up for adoption

I just couldn't raise them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o757m/i_was_forced_to_put_my_grades_up_for_adoption/
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Did you hear about the guy who fell into a truck full of French bread?

He's in a lot of pain now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o74tc/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_fell_into_a_truck/
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Recently HP fucked up on my order of a Laserjet

they've sent me a fucking printer instead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o71uo/recently_hp_fucked_up_on_my_order_of_a_laserjet/
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I like my women how I like my wine

Fourteen years old and locked in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o6wpk/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_wine/
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Why don't incarcerated women menstruate in prison?

Because a period comes at the end of the sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o6uzz/why_dont_incarcerated_women_menstruate_in_prison/
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o6tr6/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
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A cop pulls over a man for speeding...

"Sir." He begins.
"You were recorded going 100 miles an hour, can you tell me why?"
"Well officer." The man says.
"Yesterday my wife ran away with a cop."
The cop is confused.
"What's that got to do with anything."
"I thought you were him trying to give her back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o6tar/a_cop_pulls_over_a_man_for_speeding/
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A guy sees a woman walking her dog...

Guy : Wow I didn't know you could walk a cow !
Woman : I'm sorry but this is a dog.
Guy : Yes I know, I was talking to the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o6szs/a_guy_sees_a_woman_walking_her_dog/
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I just tore a dumpling in half

It was wonton destruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o6o1g/i_just_tore_a_dumpling_in_half/
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illegal immigration attempt

an extremely black african man is trying to get to europe, he makes a fake passport with leonardo dicaprio's name and photo, at the airport the Airport Agent checks the man's passport and he is confused, he looks at the man's face again and rechecks the passort, still confused he calls his coworker mark and tells him : 'hey mark since you are more educated than me, tell me, did the titanic sink or burn ? '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o6jxa/illegal_immigration_attempt/
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He was such a brutal fighter that, after slaying the tigress in the arena, he proceeded to devour her flesh. And he felt no remorse.

He was Gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o6g2q/he_was_such_a_brutal_fighter_that_after_slaying/
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He saw the frozen chicken

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.
George thought to himself, "On no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."
He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
The bird said, "I'm sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.
George said, "Why the change?"
The bird answered, "Because I saw what you did to the other bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o6foj/he_saw_the_frozen_chicken/
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Why does nobody like Tigger?

Because he plays with Pooh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o6b7m/why_does_nobody_like_tigger/
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I used to work in a recording studio. My boss always told me the three biggest lies in the music industry are ......

1: The check's in the mail.
2: We can fix it in post.
3: Don't worry, I won't cum in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o6aen/i_used_to_work_in_a_recording_studio_my_boss/
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My mother called me a son of a bitch...

So I hit her, because no one can call my mom a bitch.
Then I hit myself, because no one can hit my mum.
Then she hit me, because no one can hit her son.
And then she hit herself, because NO ONE can hit her son.
Then I hit her. because no one can hit my mum.
I hope we'll solve this when father gets home...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o67gh/my_mother_called_me_a_son_of_a_bitch/
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming. ^^^^^Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o679q/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
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I put a load in the dishwasher

She swallowed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o66wn/i_put_a_load_in_the_dishwasher/
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two guys are working at the morgue

guy 1: did you see that woman they dragged out of the ocean? her clitoris was like a pickle...
guy 2: swollen?
guy 1: no, salty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o66rc/two_guys_are_working_at_the_morgue/
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An Australian man living by the cliff has prevent over 150 suicides, during the 50 years he has lived there...

... by shooting them himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o622r/an_australian_man_living_by_the_cliff_has_prevent/
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Obama, Hillary, and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven.

God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."
God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"
He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"
Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."
God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"
Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o61v8/obama_hillary_and_trump_are_standing_at_the/
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Why didn't the TSA let the chair through security?

It was armed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o61hz/why_didnt_the_tsa_let_the_chair_through_security/
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I love make-up sex with my wife.

But I always get my mascara all over my jammies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o61hq/i_love_makeup_sex_with_my_wife/
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A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods

After the bear is done he turns to the rabbit and says "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit looks confused and says "no, I've never had a problem with that"
The bear smiles and says "good" and picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o5yxn/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_pooping_in_the_woods/
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I ate my brother's salami sandwich instead of my pepperoni.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o5rkz/i_ate_my_brothers_salami_sandwich_instead_of_my/
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What do Pink Floyd and princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o5ow7/what_do_pink_floyd_and_princess_diana_have_in/
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What did the mathematician play on his guitar?

An algo-rhythm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o5otj/what_did_the_mathematician_play_on_his_guitar/
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My dick is so long if I laid it on the keyboard it would stretch all the way from A to Z

Wait... Shit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o5g5b/my_dick_is_so_long_if_i_laid_it_on_the_keyboard/
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Highlighter pens are the future...

Mark my words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o5f8l/highlighter_pens_are_the_future/
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Fresh and Funny!

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
Oh Harry, that would be lovely!
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o5dgp/fresh_and_funny/
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Dating is like vitamins

If you don't go outside much you won't get the D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o5bzb/dating_is_like_vitamins/
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What do you call an octopus with no tentacles?

Bob
Courtesy of my dad last night at dinner 😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o5bqw/what_do_you_call_an_octopus_with_no_tentacles/
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A man is trying to chop down some trees by the river.

Unfortunately the axe slipped out of the man's hand and fell into the river. The man was so saddened by this. He literally couldn't move. That was the only way he could support his family. He didn't know what he could do, he can't even swim.
Then suddenly a beautiful women emerges out of the river, holding a bronze axe.
"Don't be afraid I am angel of this river. Is this your axe?"
He replied "No, my axe is made of iron."
She magically turns the axe into a silver one.
"No 'mam that is not my axe"
She turns it into gold.
"I must decline. My axe is only made of iron."
The angel is impressed and says "You are a man of great integrity! I have shown you bronze, silver and gold but you were not tempted! As a reward for you great character take all the four axes. This is my gift to you."
The man takes all four of them. His miserable life turns a new leaf now that he has sold them and put the money in some business.
After sometime he takes his wife to the river as some sort of family outing. The darnest thing happens, his wife slips and falls into the river. He doesn't know how to swim so he starts screaming for help.
The angel emerges from the river.
She shows him Scarlett Johansson and says "Is this your wife?"
To that the man replies "Ah, yes she is."
The angel is taken back, "How could you lie?! I thought you are man of integrity! All you men are pigs!"
He says "Look, I know the drill. You will show me 3 women that are not my wife and I will tell you the truth. Then you will give me all of them. I really cannot handle that many bitches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o5ah3/a_man_is_trying_to_chop_down_some_trees_by_the/
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(From my 7 year old) Why should you never give Queen Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll just let it go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o5acg/from_my_7_year_old_why_should_you_never_give/
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A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o596e/a_guy_goes_into_the_confessional_box_after_years/
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Best Buy's Martin Luther King Day sale leaked

50% off all black speakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o54vn/best_buys_martin_luther_king_day_sale_leaked/
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What's the main religion of most ghosts?

Boo dism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o51gh/whats_the_main_religion_of_most_ghosts/
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My HP printer died today

It was like a Brother to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o504b/my_hp_printer_died_today/
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A man goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged...

...The doc says, "Ok, how big do you want it to be?"
The man says, "Big as I can go."
The doc says, "Well ok, but sometimes these things don't work out well."
So the doctor performs the surgery, attaching a baby elephants trunk to the man. The man wakes up and is very pleased. "Yes! Thank you so much! "I'm gonna get so much tail its gonna be great!" he says.
A week later he is out on his first date after the surgery. He and his date are sitting at the table eating dinner when all of the sudden the mans penis comes out from under the table, feels around a bit, grabs a roll and disappears back under the table. The woman notices but doesn't say anything. A couple minutes later it happens again. The penis comes up, grabs a roll, then disappears.
This time the woman is bothered and she says quietly, "Is that gonna happen again?"
To which the man replies, "God I hope not, I don't think my ass can fit another one of those."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4xqi/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_to_get_his_penis_enlarged/
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You know what really grinds my gears?

Friction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4vs2/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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A termite walked into a tavern,

and asked" Is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4v72/a_termite_walked_into_a_tavern/
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It's a joke, not a dick.

Don't take it so hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4u5s/its_a_joke_not_a_dick/
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Why does Donald Trump always seem upset?

Because it's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4slr/why_does_donald_trump_always_seem_upset/
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When I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you would suffice,

Not this "Who the fuck are you, and what are you doing in my house?!" nonsense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4rre/when_i_make_you_breakfast_in_bed_a_simple_thank/
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Tech news: Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually photograph women with their mouth closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4lyc/tech_news_japanese_scientists_have_created_a/
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Talking Dog

A woman walks into the store and sees a flyer.
"Talking Dog Looking for a New Home. $10"
The woman thinks "this is interesting, I should go check it out."
So she goes to the address listed and asks to see the dog. The owner brings her to the back yard where a black Lab is sitting in front of a dog house. The woman goes up and says Hi.
"Hello, how are you?" says the dog in perfect English.
"Wow, you can talk!" the woman says.
"Yes," says the dog. "I learned how to talk when I was 4 weeks old. The CIA found out about me soon after and hired me as a spy. I've sat in secret meetings with Heads of State, observed planned military coups, you name it."
"Oh, wow!" the woman says.
"Yeah, then I retired from that work and got hired by casinos to catch cheaters. Nobody ever suspected a dog when they discussed their schemes."
"Interesting," said the woman.
"And when I was done with that, I worked with NGOs in war torn countries to deliver food and water to affected people," said the dog.
The woman went back to the owner and said "That is a fascinating dog you have there. But I must ask, why only $10?"
"Because he's such a liar," said the owner. "He didn't do any of that shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4km5/talking_dog/
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How do aliens pay for their coffees?

With Starbucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4k4v/how_do_aliens_pay_for_their_coffees/
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I had a track accident last spring...

Now it has become a running joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4ifw/i_had_a_track_accident_last_spring/
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A man goes into a fancy restaurant

When he gets to his table he sees that they have gold plate and says
"wow this restaurant has gold plates how fancy."
Then he sees that they also have gold silverware and says
"Wow they also have gold silverware how fancy."
After that he goes to the bathroom and sees they also have gold toilets and says
"Holy moly they have golden toilets that's super fancy."
So he finishes his meal and goes home but at home he remembers that he left his hat there. So he calls the restaurant but isn't sure if it's the right one so asks
"Is this the restaurant with the golden plates?"
The guy at the other end answers
"Yes."
But he's realizes that there are a bunch of restaurants with golden plates so he asks
"Well is this the restaurant with golden silverware?"
"Yes" the guy replies
"Well" he thinks "there are still a lot of restaurants with golden silverware."
So he finally asks
"Is this the restaurant with the golden toilet?"
Yelling to someone else in the restaurant he says "hey Louie, I found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4f28/a_man_goes_into_a_fancy_restaurant/
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For some reason I'm only afraid of Middle Eastern spiders...

It's O.K. though. My doctor says it's normal to be Iraqnaphobic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4e8f/for_some_reason_im_only_afraid_of_middle_eastern/
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How can you avoid clickbait?

Not like this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4dke/how_can_you_avoid_clickbait/
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While sitting in class, Johnny had to go to the bathroom.

After finding a stall and relieving himself, he is mortified for there is no toilet paper left. Having little other choice, he uses his hands. When he walked back to class he kept his hands cupped together. Because of this, Johnny received strange looks. One student finally came up to his desk and asked, "Whatcha got in your hands?" Johnny replied, "I caught a leprechaun, but he's too shy I can't show you, he could run off." The student scoffed and goes back to his seat. Another comes to him and asks, "What do you have in your hands?" To which Johnny repeated his previous answer. The student accuses Johnny of telling a lie and tells the teacher about it. After being told by the student, the teacher decides to confront Johnny about it. The teacher asks, "Johnny, what is it in your hands that's worth lying about a leprechaun?" Johnny answers, "It really is a leprechaun and I can't show you he's VERY shy." The teacher demands that Johnny opens his hands and show what he is hiding, or else he would go down to the principal's office. Johnny complies and says, "Ok fine, but he's very very shy..." Upon opening his hands to reveal a foul mess, the teacher and the class are disgusted, and Johnny exclaims, "Aw man, you scared the shit out of him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4ce2/while_sitting_in_class_johnny_had_to_go_to_the/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell outta it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4by1/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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Two old dudes are sitting on a park bench discussing their youth and how things have changed. One says to the other one, "these days there is premarital sex, extramarital sex, swinging... I never had premarital sex with my wife, did you?"

The other thinks for a moment and says "What was her maiden name again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4avy/two_old_dudes_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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The blonde joke to end all blonde jokes!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by woman police officer,who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver license.She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.The police woman replied "Its square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse,looked at it and handed it to the police woman. "Here it is" she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror,then handed it back saying "Ok,you can go,I didn't relize you were a cop..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4a40/the_blonde_joke_to_end_all_blonde_jokes/
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I am quitting alcohol for a month.

Sorry, that came out wrong
I am quitting. Alcohol for a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o49zi/i_am_quitting_alcohol_for_a_month/
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What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani hospital?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o48fg/whats_the_difference_between_a_taliban_outpost/
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Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"
"Sorry," The woman says. "It's my arthritis."
"Arthritis in your vagina?" He exclaims.
"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o47qw/two_pensioners_are_having_oral_sex_with_each_other/
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How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

You staple food to the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o46b3/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_ethiopia/
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Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club

. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o45w5/jill_goes_home_one_night_with_a_guy_she_met_at_a/
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Two immigrants in Britain have a competition; who can be more English? ...

Two immigrant friends in Britain decide to host a competition between themselves, who can be more English than the other?
They decide that they will meet up in 1 week and see whom is more English than whom.
1 week has past, and they meet up. The first immigrant says "I have become a true Englishmen! I sip tea everyday and I now drive my kids to football practice!"
The other says "Get out of my country you Paki cunt".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o42tb/two_immigrants_in_britain_have_a_competition_who/
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A farmer laying in bed with his wife when he turns and grabbs her tits while saying

"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow." He procedes to grab her pussy and say "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens." She smiles and grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o42fc/a_farmer_laying_in_bed_with_his_wife_when_he/
%
I ate a salad today and it contained both eggs and chicken

I didn't know where to start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o41m5/i_ate_a_salad_today_and_it_contained_both_eggs/
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Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said,

"Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, no. I just burped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o40z8/two_hookers_were_on_a_street_corner_they_started/
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My mum says I don't know anything about colourless gases.

But ammonia little boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o4019/my_mum_says_i_dont_know_anything_about_colourless/
%
You know what's odd?

Numbers that are not divisible by 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3zay/you_know_whats_odd/
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What fish is made of only two sodium ions?

2 Na
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3z79/what_fish_is_made_of_only_two_sodium_ions/
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I've no home, I haven't got control and I can't see any escape.

It's way past time I got a new keyboard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3wne/ive_no_home_i_havent_got_control_and_i_cant_see/
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A man asks God...

Man: "Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3vo8/a_man_asks_god/
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A picture worth millions

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done!  My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!  You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you & your secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3vmz/a_picture_worth_millions/
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Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 40 seconds.

That poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3vkq/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
%
Today's special menu

The waiter asked, "Would you like to hear today's special?"
"Yes please," I smiled.
"Today is special," he replied, then walked off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3tm3/todays_special_menu/
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The rope joke

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices another man coming towards him, dragging a length of rope.  It's about 20 feet long and not tied to anything, so as they pass the first man says, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your rope.  May I ask why you're pulling it along?"
The second guy laughs and says, "You really need to ask? Have you ever tried to push a rope!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3tiq/the_rope_joke/
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After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3tgc/after_being_married_for_thirty_years_a_wife_asked/
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Husband: Call ambulance, Fast!

I am Having a Heart Attack...
Wife: ( Took his mobile): "Quick!! Tell me the Password!!"
Husband: It's Okay, I am feeling better now!! :D :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3rw8/husband_call_ambulance_fast/
%
Dad walks in on son.

He says " Son if you keep doing that, you'll go blind." Son says "I'm over here dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3rn2/dad_walks_in_on_son/
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My job is top secret

Even i dont know what im doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3pne/my_job_is_top_secret/
%
A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3pd7/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_the_police/
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yo momma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3oig/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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How do I submit a joke?

Do I hand my life in?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3m7l/how_do_i_submit_a_joke/
%
What is a Mexican with a rubber toe called

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3l76/what_is_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe_called/
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You can't watch porn on the new iphone

They took the jack off﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3kdx/you_cant_watch_porn_on_the_new_iphone/
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So there's this guy sitting in a pub in the Scottish countryside

And the bartender turns to him and says;
"Thiss pub, I built with me own two hands. I got the wood for I, and put it together by me-self, but do they call me Angus the pub builder? No"
The man looks at the bartender in confusion, who starts speaking again
"You see that stone wall over there? I built that stone wall with me own two hands, I got the rocks for it and everything, but do they call me Angus the pub builder? No."
The man is still visibly confused, but the bartender continues.
"You see that dock over there? I built it. I got the logs for it, and chopped down the trees for it, but do they call me Angus the dock builder? No. But you fuck one goat-"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3cpn/so_theres_this_guy_sitting_in_a_pub_in_the/
%
A book just fell on my head!

I guess I only got my shelf to blaim!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3ce2/a_book_just_fell_on_my_head/
%
I was in the elevator staring at a busy woman's breasts.

When she suddenly looked at me and told me "Could you please press one?" So I did and that's the last thing I remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3bq4/i_was_in_the_elevator_staring_at_a_busy_womans/
%
Stalin is into the fifth hour of his speech, when someone sneezes

***"Who sneezed!"***, he shouts.
No one answers.
***"First row, stand up"***... they obediently get on their feet.
***"Guards, shoot them"***... they're gunned down where they stood.
***"Now who sneezed?"*** ... still nothing.
***"Second row, on your feet ... guards, shoot them."***
***"Now who sneezed?"*** ... absolute silence.
***"Third row, stand up ... "***
A small backbencher gets up. He's uncontrollably sobbing.
*"I sneezed! I sneezed!!"*
Stalin stares at him and says, ***"Bless you, comrade."***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3bbi/stalin_is_into_the_fifth_hour_of_his_speech_when/
%
Where do midget terrorists live?

Halfghanistan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o3aew/where_do_midget_terrorists_live/
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world...

People who can read binary and those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o392x/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
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Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him Sudden Lee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2zjd/chinese_kid_was_born_before_the_due_date/
%
A piece of string goes to a bar.

A piece of string goes to a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here".
The string goes outside, ties himself up, messes up his hair and goes back in. The bartender asks, "are you that same piece of string?" "No", says the string, "I'm a frayed knot."
----
Credit to /u/ryan_taurant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2z97/a_piece_of_string_goes_to_a_bar/
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What did the horny toad say when designing a sex toy?

Ribbit
*Credit goes to Brian, random guy sitting next to me on couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2w9p/what_did_the_horny_toad_say_when_designing_a_sex/
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What's the difference between me and a calendar?

The calendar has dates
*sigh*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2u6c/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_calendar/
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I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!
drops mic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2trc/i_give_to_you_a_joke_i_made_up_when_i_was_seven/
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I'm pretty sure my co-worker is gay

Last time I sucked his dick, it tasted like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2tj9/im_pretty_sure_my_coworker_is_gay/
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Two gay men are travelling...

...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2sjn/two_gay_men_are_travelling/
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I asked my band teacher to raise my F

He gave me an FF instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2rvw/i_asked_my_band_teacher_to_raise_my_f/
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A mans first time with a women

There were 2 men having a chat.
"Oh so hey, I am going to be having my first time with a nice lady tomorrow and I am not really sure what I am doing. Any tips?"
Jokingly the other replied with "Just use the longest part of your body and stick it where she pees."
The next day they met up again, and the other had brought up the topic.
"So... how did it go?"
He replied "Well.. not very well. I stuck my leg in her toilet like you said and she asked me to leave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2nan/a_mans_first_time_with_a_women/
%
Aliens abduct a businessman, a scientist and a miner.

"So here's the thing, after achieving everything we could on our home planet we grew bored and now we travel galaxy and ask stupid questions. Here is yours -- what is the biggest number you can possibly think of? If answer amuses us, we grant you immortality, if not, we zap you with this death ray right here. If you mention anything about infinity or multiplication we'll shoot you in the balls. Hope rules are clear, let us hear your answers".
Business scoffs. "Obviously that would be trillion of dollars. Sounds real amusing to me."
Aliens silently vaporize him.
Scientist scoffs "Do not worry, not every earthling is as ignorant as that one. Obvious answer would be googolplex".
Aliens confer for a bit. "Not enough imagination" is the verdict, scientist is vaporized.
Now it's miners turn. "Fuckton?"
"Interesting. Now, how big is this 'fuckton' "
"Well, I mean, a fuckton is a fuckton. You know what? I could probably show you, let's go to mine in my town, it has fuckton of coal"
Curious, aliens take him to mine. There he gives everyone a jackhammer and tells to cut coal. Aliens oblige. Hour passes, then another. Finally, head alien asks "So, are we close?"
"Well" answers miner "you'll have to keep doing it every day for years, and when you say 'Fuck this shit!' it will be only the beginning".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2kqq/aliens_abduct_a_businessman_a_scientist_and_a/
%
What is Russia's codename for Trump?

Agent Orange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2khj/what_is_russias_codename_for_trump/
%
How do you drown a hipster?

In the main stream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2jjk/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
So I watched my first porno the other day...

I'd have to say, damn I looked good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2hty/so_i_watched_my_first_porno_the_other_day/
%
Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2gr6/today_a_girl_kissed_me/
%
What math classes do gender studies majors take?

Triggernometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2flo/what_math_classes_do_gender_studies_majors_take/
%
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?

"Where's Popcorn?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2ef9/what_did_the_baby_corn_say_to_the_mama_corn/
%
whats black and sits at the top of the staircase?

stephen hawking after a house fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2djq/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_the_staircase/
%
Two dogs are sitting next to each other in a veterinarian's office...

One of the dogs looks at the other. "So, what are you here for?"
&nbsp;
The other dog looks back. "Well, I guess I have nothing left to lose. I...Well, two days ago, I relieved myself in my master's shoes. When he punished me for it, I chewed his favorite bathrobe to shreds. And....well...now, here I am, waiting to be put down." The dog falls silent for a moment. "I...I guess I deserve it. I did do a lot of damage."
&nbsp;
The first dog looks at the second. "Really? They're putting you down for that? I'm here to get put down because I bit my master's child. I was nice and relaxed, enjoying my rawhide chew, when this little brat came up and grabbed it away. So, like any self-respecting dog, I nipped her. Next thing I know, she's screaming, her mother is crying, and my master is beating me with a belt. Now, here I am, waiting to be put down."
&nbsp;
The two dogs sit together in companionable silence, until a third dog is led in. He sits beside the other two, straight-backed and stoic.
&nbsp;
The first dog looks at him. "So, what did you do?"
The third dog looks back. "Well...I'm ashamed to say it, but....My master had just gotten out of the shower. She had her towel around her, but it got snagged on the toilet paper holder, and fell off. She turned around, bent over to pick it up....and I couldn't help myself. I mounted her and took her like an animal."
&nbsp;
The first two dogs looked at each other, then back at the third dog. "Wow..." the first dog said. "Out of all of us here to be put down...I think you deserve it the most."
&nbsp;
The third dog looked back at the other two, shocked. "Put down?!" he exclaimed. "I'm just here for a nail trimming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2cf6/two_dogs_are_sitting_next_to_each_other_in_a/
%
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom

. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2bv8/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
%
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

I'll see you next month

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2bbj/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
%
Did you hear about the guy who lost his shovel?

His name was Douglas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o2b7l/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_lost_his_shovel/
%
Procrastination is like masturbation...

It feels good at first, but in the end, you realize that you just fucked yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o29gq/procrastination_is_like_masturbation/
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Why do weathermen name hurricanes after women?

Because when they come they're wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o27tf/why_do_weathermen_name_hurricanes_after_women/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead

are having coffee, discussing their daughters.
The redhead says, "I was putting away my daughter's laundry and found a pack of cigarettes in her dresser drawer! I didn't know my daughter smoked!"
The brunette says, "Well, I was cleaning my daughter's room and found a bag of weed! I didn't know my daughter does drugs!"
The blonde says, "OMG! That's nothing! I went into my daughter's night stand and found a box of condoms! I didn't know my daughter has a dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o275g/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead/
%
A brunette, redhead and blonde

went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After an excellent, but healthy, lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room.
They found a strange looking woman sitting at the entrance who said: "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature. It's a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, awards you with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered. Upon finding the mirror, the brunette said: "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said: "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said: "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o26e3/a_brunette_redhead_and_blonde/
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[nsfw]-ish Three vampires enter a bar

Three vampires enter a bar. The first is small and nonthreatening, walks up to the bar and timidly requests a wine glass of the finest blood, AB- if it's available. The bartender serves him a glass of the '82 Shatner and recommends a cheese to go with it.
The second vampire is quite large and frightening and slams his gnarled hand on the bar demanding "BOILING HOT BLOOD!". The bartender, no stranger to this sort of patron, calmly microwaves a mug of blood and serves it to the frothing menace.
The third is difficult to look directly at without  voiding your bowels. Despite his experience the bartender stutters when asking for his order. From the depths of a deep black cowl float the words "hot... water". The bartender, clearly confused, asks if that is all. A pale hand with long nails appears from under the cloak dangling a heavily used tampon, "I'm making tea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o23pl/nsfwish_three_vampires_enter_a_bar/
%
Throwing acid is wrong...

in some people's eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o22mo/throwing_acid_is_wrong/
%
Women 3 wishes

A Woman was golfing and accidently she hits the ball into the woods. She then goes into the woods to look for it and there she sees a frog in a trap.*
*The frog says to her: If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.*
*The woman frees the frog, and the frog says: Thank you, but I have failed to mention that there is a condition attached to your wishes, and that is: whatever you wish, your husband will get ten times of that wish.*
*The woman says: That is okay with me.*
*For her first wish, she wants to be the most beautiful woman in the world.*
*The frog warns her: you do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, to whom women will just flock to!*
*The woman replies, That is fine, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.*
*So in a movement, she becomes the most beautiful Woman in the world.*
*For her second wish, she wants to be the richest woman in the world.*
*The frog says: That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you.*
*The woman replies: That is okay, because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.*
*So, in a split second she becomes the richest woman in the world.*
*The frog then asks her, what is her third wish?*
*She says: I would like to have a mild heart attack.*
*Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.*
*Attention female readers:*
*This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!*
*Male readers: Please scroll down.*
*The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife!!!*
*Moral of the story : Women are great but sometimes falsely believe  that they are very smart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o209r/women_3_wishes/
%
[NSFW] A young boy asks his grandpa:

"Grandpa, can I try your scotch?"
His grandpa asks "Does your dick touch your ass?" To which the boy replies, "No, it doesn't."
"Then no." His grandpa says.
The next day, his grandpa is out smoking his pipe. "Grandpa, can I try your pipe?"
"Does your dick touch your ass?" His grandpa asks again, and he replies with "No, grandpa."
"Then no." He says again.
The following day, the young boy is eating cookies that his grandma made. His grandpa asks "Can I have one of those cookies?" To which the boy asks "Does your dick touch your ass?"
His grandpa says "As a matter of fact, it does."
To which the boy replies: "Then go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1zf1/nsfw_a_young_boy_asks_his_grandpa/
%
What do you call a baker with red hair?

A ginger bread man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1z9t/what_do_you_call_a_baker_with_red_hair/
%
If you are telekinetic,

raise my hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1vd0/if_you_are_telekinetic/
%
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1uwc/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
%
If you post BDSM jokes on /r/jokes....

Does it count as a submission?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1sfe/if_you_post_bdsm_jokes_on_rjokes/
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When Beethoven Passed Away, He Was Buried In A Courtyard

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1qor/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
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Two cannibals meet one day

The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1qaj/two_cannibals_meet_one_day/
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alright you guys have posted some pretty bad jokes on here but not one comes close to this doozy

brace yourselves
so there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.
the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.
the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom aren’t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.
in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.
the next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.
and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1ov4/alright_you_guys_have_posted_some_pretty_bad/
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Chris Christie finally got a job in Trump's administration.

He's going to be the border wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1nnf/chris_christie_finally_got_a_job_in_trumps/
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I used to use alcohol as a crutch at parties

Now it's more like Stephen Hawking's computer-chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1i6b/i_used_to_use_alcohol_as_a_crutch_at_parties/
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How do you tell the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber?

Ask them to say the word **unionized**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1g7o/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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TIFU by eating my boss' sandwich and getting fired.

Oops. Wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1fsg/tifu_by_eating_my_boss_sandwich_and_getting_fired/
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Finished a jigsaw puzzle in 5 minutes today..

surprising because the box said 4-6 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1fia/finished_a_jigsaw_puzzle_in_5_minutes_today/
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i just got my first prostate exam

and im never going back to that dentist again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1ek0/i_just_got_my_first_prostate_exam/
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So a duck walks into a bar

Walks up to the bartender and asks, "Hey bartender, got any chap stick?"
Bartender looks a little puzzled and replies "No, I don't have any chap stick. You need a drink?"
The duck doesn't say anything and walks out of the bar.
The next day around the same time the duck goes back into the bar and asks "Hey bartender, got any chap stick?"
Bartender gets a little irritated. "You were just here yesterday. No, I don't have any chap stick."
The duck silently walks out of the bar.
The next day the same time the duck walks back in the bar and asks the bartender, "Hey bartender, got any chap stick?"
The bartender gets mad at this point and threatens, "If you come in here one more time without ordering a drink I'm going to nail your bill to the wall."
The duck walks out of the bar.
The next day the duck comes back again. This time the bartender is furious.
Casually the duck walks over to the bar and asks, "Hey bartender, got a nail?"
Puzzled, the bartender replies, "No, why?"
"Got any chap stick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1edj/so_a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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There was a man who droves train in Bulgaria

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1ctc/there_was_a_man_who_droves_train_in_bulgaria/
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I accidentally swallowed a turntable needle.

Good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1cg2/i_accidentally_swallowed_a_turntable_needle/
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I like my coffee like I like my wives,

From a third world country at a reasonable price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1age/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_wives/
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Two mice chewing on a film roll

One of them goes: "I think the book was better"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1a6b/two_mice_chewing_on_a_film_roll/
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People call me the most disoriented U-boat captain of the 20th century...

Oops wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o18mv/people_call_me_the_most_disoriented_uboat_captain/
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This evening I watched a Series of Unfortunate Events

Then I turned off the news and watched Netflix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o18g9/this_evening_i_watched_a_series_of_unfortunate/
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There are 2 types of people in this world

Those with the ability to extrapolate information from incomplete data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o182e/there_are_2_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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I was sucking off my new Thai bride, last night

When I thought.. "Hang on a fuckin' minute"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o16i5/i_was_sucking_off_my_new_thai_bride_last_night/
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George, 88 years old, goes to his doctor for a check-up.

-How are you doing George ?
-Very well Doctor, God is watching over me
-Really, how so?
-Yes indeed. Last night I had to wake up to go the bathroom and when I opened the door, the light turned on by itself. God is watching over me. And when I went back to bed, when I closed the door, the light just turned off. God is watching over me.
After the appointment, the Doctor a bit curious called George's wife to check on this story.
-Hi, George visited me today and told me that God was watching on him and that last night when he went to the bathroom, God turned the light on and off for him. Is that the whole story ?
-Oh noooooooo. Don't tell me he peed in the fridge again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o15vd/george_88_years_old_goes_to_his_doctor_for_a/
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Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses.

Now, if I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o1428/teacher_today_were_going_to_talk_about_the_tenses/
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What's the most positive thing in Africa?

HIV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o11xo/whats_the_most_positive_thing_in_africa/
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Why did the Jews roam the desert for 400 years?

Someone lost a quarter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0yre/why_did_the_jews_roam_the_desert_for_400_years/
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(Long)A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas....

The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.
An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town.
On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber.
The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table.
The time was right to make a move.
The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest.
I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live.
If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer.
He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them.
The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now."
Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man.
Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0y9n/longa_mexican_bandit_made_a_specialty_of_crossing/
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How come the NSA whistleblower can't leave Russia?

Because he is snowed in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0xzg/how_come_the_nsa_whistleblower_cant_leave_russia/
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Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?

They say his invention was groundbreaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0we6/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_invented_the_shovel/
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Do you ever get a shooting pain through your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they are stabbing it?

No?
How about now?
Now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0tke/do_you_ever_get_a_shooting_pain_through_your_body/
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What does a grape say when you step on it?

Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0qno/what_does_a_grape_say_when_you_step_on_it/
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What do you call a seafood restaurant that generates its own power?

A fission-chips shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0qdn/what_do_you_call_a_seafood_restaurant_that/
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I failed my AP Biology test...

They asked; "what is something commonly found in cells?"
Apparently black people wasn't the correct answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0poc/i_failed_my_ap_biology_test/
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You know what really grinds my gears?

Friction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0ph9/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond

17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0pg3/breaking_news_ethiopian_falls_into_crocodile_pond/
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A blonde, a readhead and a brunette in a desert

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0k4x/a_blonde_a_readhead_and_a_brunette_in_a_desert/
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What's Donald Trump's favorite album to listen to?

The Wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0jk9/whats_donald_trumps_favorite_album_to_listen_to/
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I love garbage day...

Once a week my street celebrates me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0huy/i_love_garbage_day/
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What did Tennessee?

The same thing as Arkansas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0gdb/what_did_tennessee/
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William joined the army...

He rather disliked the phrase "fire at will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0evt/william_joined_the_army/
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A penguin brings his car into the shop

The mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out, so the penguin walks to 7-11 and buys an ice cream to kill the time. Since the poor guy's got no hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak. When he's done he walks back into the shop, and the mechanic tells him "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says "No, that's just a little ice cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0erl/a_penguin_brings_his_car_into_the_shop/
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A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m su...re that there’s nothing you could say or askthat I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0dit/a_cabbie_picks_up_a_nun/
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At first I didn't want a beard...

But now it's really growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o08si/at_first_i_didnt_want_a_beard/
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Why does Heisenberg hate driving?

He gets lost every time he checks the speedometer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o081z/why_does_heisenberg_hate_driving/
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A man comes home from the bar drunk...

When he gets home, his wife is furious that he is drunk but the man protests that he is not drunk. The wife, after arguing for a good 5 minutes, says to her husband, "fine, tell the time", the man turns to the clock and says to the clock, "I'm not drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o01ws/a_man_comes_home_from_the_bar_drunk/
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What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar?

Pushing in somebody's stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o00gh/what_is_the_biggest_compliment_you_can_pay_at_a/
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If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone.

Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5o0078/if_i_ever_win_the_lottery_im_going_to_share_it/
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A Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
The next week He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the America. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzxgs/a_irishman_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_three_beers/
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Roses are red Violets are blue

Im using my hand
but I'm thinking of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzwzp/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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Why are Italians so good at football?

Because it involves changing sides halfway through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzwnz/why_are_italians_so_good_at_football/
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Why did the cowboy get a daschund?

Because someone told him to get along little doggie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzueu/why_did_the_cowboy_get_a_daschund/
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A man inserted

an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzrgq/a_man_inserted/
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What's worse than getting 7 years of bad luck from breaking a mirror?

Getting a lifetime of bad luck from breaking a condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzqy2/whats_worse_than_getting_7_years_of_bad_luck_from/
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I always wanted to be somebody

I should have been more specific.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzq7y/i_always_wanted_to_be_somebody/
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An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar

, and they all order a pint. A fly lands in each man's glass. The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust. The Scot flicks the fly out of his glass and begins drinking. The Irishman grabs the fly from his glass, throws it down to the bartop and screams "Spit it out ya wee bastard, it's mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzov6/an_englishman_a_scot_and_an_irishman_walk_into_a/
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I asked an Indian if he likes custard

He said, "not in general."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzl03/i_asked_an_indian_if_he_likes_custard/
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It's a good thing Gatorade was invented at the University of Florida and not Florida State University.

Because then it would be Seminole fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzjsr/its_a_good_thing_gatorade_was_invented_at_the/
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Bob and the blonde

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.  The news crew was covering the story  of a man on the ledge of a large building  preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,  "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,  "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied,  "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,  "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,  "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,  so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied,  "I did, too,  but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzid7/bob_and_the_blonde/
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Greg wins £25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home

"Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzdst/greg_wins_2500000000_in_the_nationally_lottery/
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In Soviet Russia, people are waiting in line for meat.

The butcher pokes his head out and says, "Comrades, the truck will be here shortly, please be patient."
An hour later, "Comrades, the truck broke down and had to unload some meat. All Jews are requested to leave."
The Jews grudgingly leave the line.
Another hour later, "Comrades, the truck broke down again. All Ukranians have to leave."
Another two hours later, "Comrades, the truck broke down again. Non-Russians please leave."
Another five hours later, "Comrades, the truck broke down again. All non-party members have to leave."
It's now past midnight, in the freezing Russian winter. The few party members still left in line are greeted by the butcher, "Sorry Comrades. The truck won't be coming today. Please go home."
One of them turns to the other and says, "Damn Jews. They always get the best deals."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzdak/in_soviet_russia_people_are_waiting_in_line_for/
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So a husband asked his wife if it was possible to feel happy and sad at the same time.....

She responded that he had the biggest dick out of his brothers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzbne/so_a_husband_asked_his_wife_if_it_was_possible_to/
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The doctor tells his patient, "Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking."

The patient asks, "Should I come back when you've sobered up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzbdc/the_doctor_tells_his_patient_well_i_cant_find/
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What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One will see you later; the other one will see you in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzb4o/whats_the_difference_between_an_alligator_and_a/
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A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week ...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!”
The wife noticed that there’s something fishy in her husband’s story but since she was a good wife she listened to her husband and did exactly as he told her. After a week the husband returned home, looking a bit tired but happy to have done a good job. The wife immediately started asking about the weekend, how it was, if he’d caught any fish and so on.
The husband said: “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pyjamas?”
To which the wife responded: “I did…..They’re in your fishing box”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nzatt/a_man_phones_his_wife_and_asks_her_honey_ive_been/
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Female Scotties

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nza63/female_scotties/
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I used to be a Boy Scout

but I got kicked out for eating a brownie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nza3q/i_used_to_be_a_boy_scout/
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"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nz8bs/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
%
Two Soviet commandos were crawling through a minefield.

Ivanka was leading Vladimir through a belly-crawl in a minefield.
Vladimir spoke, "Ivanka, your mother must have been a ballerina."
"Why?"
"Because of your beautiful legs."
Ivanka replied, "And your father must have been a farmer."
"Why?"
"Because of the deep furrow you're leaving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nz7bn/two_soviet_commandos_were_crawling_through_a/
%
Schrodinger is waiting in a veterinary hospital for news on his cat...

The nurse comes in and says
"Sir,, I have good news and bad news."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nz6lj/schrodinger_is_waiting_in_a_veterinary_hospital/
%
What do you call a procrastinating woodpecker?

A wouldpecker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nz3y8/what_do_you_call_a_procrastinating_woodpecker/
%
My dentist says to clean between your teeth after every meal.

That's his flossophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nz1gj/my_dentist_says_to_clean_between_your_teeth_after/
%
How were people born?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nz0jh/how_were_people_born/
%
There was a fire yesterday at my local thrift store

A person died of secondhand smoke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nz04w/there_was_a_fire_yesterday_at_my_local_thrift/
%
How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits into your wife's clothes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nyzbu/how_can_you_tell_if_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
%
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar...

... and doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nyvpz/schrodingers_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An ancient Greek playwright walks into a tailor.....

....and approaches the counter holding a robe. He shows the tailor a large hole torn in the side. The tailor looks at him and said "Euripides?"
The playwright responds, "Eumenides."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nyvpi/an_ancient_greek_playwright_walks_into_a_tailor/
%
Why aren't cowboy jokes funny?

Ya herd one, ya herd em all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nyqhk/why_arent_cowboy_jokes_funny/
%
So this guy gets pulled over...

He's speeding and clearly stoned.
The police officer says:
"How high are you?"
And the man replies
"No officer, it's hi how are you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nymcn/so_this_guy_gets_pulled_over/
%
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nyhut/3_vampires_are_having_a_competition_to_prove_whos/
%
The Psychiatrist replies:

A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nyh7m/the_psychiatrist_replies/
%
What does a monk say when you evict him?

Namaste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nyfqu/what_does_a_monk_say_when_you_evict_him/
%
What state has the smallest sodas?

Minisoda
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nyc6o/what_state_has_the_smallest_sodas/
%
What do you get when you convince a gorilla to have sex with a pig?

Fired from the zoo, apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ny9mq/what_do_you_get_when_you_convince_a_gorilla_to/
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Do you know what animals give you?

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ny0om/do_you_know_what_animals_give_you/
%
Broke my good sunglasses...

But instead of buying new ones, I'm just gonna put Trump pictures where the lenses used to be. He seems to be far more polarizing than my Costas ever were.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxz03/broke_my_good_sunglasses/
%
Why should you wear a condom when writing C++ code?

It's full of std vectors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxupy/why_should_you_wear_a_condom_when_writing_c_code/
%
So a neighbor asked me if I wanted to do some math...

And let me tell you, I've been awake for 3 days straight and never knew how much I liked math!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxsh8/so_a_neighbor_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_do_some_math/
%
Do you know why ants are so healthy?

Because they have little antibodies...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxrqk/do_you_know_why_ants_are_so_healthy/
%
A Trump supporter and a squirrel humping an acorn...

are both fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxre5/a_trump_supporter_and_a_squirrel_humping_an_acorn/
%
How do you outsmart a chicken?

By thinking outside the bawks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxotv/how_do_you_outsmart_a_chicken/
%
I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...

... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxonw/i_didnt_realize_how_cold_it_was_outside_today/
%
I have a stepladder

I never knew my real ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxny2/i_have_a_stepladder/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxniu/why_does_snoop_dogg_need_an_umbrella/
%
Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher?

Because he was Haydn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxkw9/why_couldnt_beethoven_find_his_teacher/
%
A colleague told me a nutty joke

Her: What do you have if you have two nuts on the wall?
Me: Walnuts?
Her: Yes! What do you have if you have two nuts in wrapped in a dollar bill?
Me: Cashews..?
Her: Yes! What do you have if you have two nuts on your chin?
Me: I dont know..
Her: Probably a dick in your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxhuv/a_colleague_told_me_a_nutty_joke/
%
Your mom doesn't have a nice bone in her body,

except for mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxhuc/your_mom_doesnt_have_a_nice_bone_in_her_body/
%
I saved my cannibal neighbor's daughter from drowning today. Her father was so grateful he gave me a hand shake.

It had some chunks, but it was delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxh3l/i_saved_my_cannibal_neighbors_daughter_from/
%
Today I found out that nobody living in my town is allowed to be buried in it.

It might be because they're alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxf16/today_i_found_out_that_nobody_living_in_my_town/
%
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne.

Acne waits until you're thirteen to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxegq/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
%
Yesterday I watched the movie Carrrs.

Well, it was just Cars, but I pirated it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxclb/yesterday_i_watched_the_movie_carrrs/
%
why Ed doesn't have a girlfriend?

Cause sheeran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxbzk/why_ed_doesnt_have_a_girlfriend/
%
A Texan walks into an Irish pub.

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nxa60/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_pub/
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What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get support, people will think we're nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nx6dg/what_does_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
I Can control sheep just by listening to them

I herd it with my own ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nx4o5/i_can_control_sheep_just_by_listening_to_them/
%
My new neighbour is fat, obnoxious and loud...

Now I know how Canada feels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nx2rx/my_new_neighbour_is_fat_obnoxious_and_loud/
%
I hate people who talk about me behind my back...

They discussed me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nx2qf/i_hate_people_who_talk_about_me_behind_my_back/
%
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?

A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nx186/why_couldnt_the_blonde_add_10_and_seven_on_a/
%
TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nx0el/tifu_by_accidentally_cheating_on_my_wife_at_a/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nwvmu/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
Dave worked at a circus school...

Normally, he teaches kids how to juggle or do cartwheels but it wasn't all that interesting.
One day, he decides to teach the kids something a bit more exciting so he brought in a cannon.
Long story short - he was fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nwvae/dave_worked_at_a_circus_school/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

Because you wore the wrong sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nwtxc/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
What do you call the horse that lives next door?

Your NEIGHHHbor
Credit: 6y/o nephew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nwrwk/what_do_you_call_the_horse_that_lives_next_door/
%
I had my first UFO experience this morning

I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus "Morning fat ass".
Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nwrqw/i_had_my_first_ufo_experience_this_morning/
%
What do viagra and China have in common?

Rigged erections

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nwjjh/what_do_viagra_and_china_have_in_common/
%
My girlfriend says that I am snoopy.

But OK, maybe she meant it differently when she wrote it in her diary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nwi8k/my_girlfriend_says_that_i_am_snoopy/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are all at a pub

They each order a beer. Soon after, a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman simply pushes his drink away and orders another. The Irishman takes the fly out and downs his beer, covering his face with foam. The Scotsman pulls out the fly and holds it over the glass by its wings. "go on," he says, "spit it out ya wee bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nwfdf/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_are_all/
%
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar...

What, it could happen...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nwf4d/two_irishmen_walk_out_of_a_bar/
%
Why did the synagogue ban Monopoly?

Because the fights over who got to be the banker were getting bloody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nweb2/why_did_the_synagogue_ban_monopoly/
%
A man is sitting at a bar, doing some heavy drinking...

He decides to take one last shot before going home. The shot doesn't sit too well with him; he gets queasy, and proceeds to vomit on his shirt.
"Fuck!" Says the dude. "My wife is gonna be so pissed that I came home covered in puke."
Thinking quickly, the bartender stuffs a five in his pocket, and tells him this: "When you get home, tell your wife that the guy next to you puked on you, and gave you this five to get it dry cleaned."
"Wow, thanks man! That's a great idea!" So he takes a cab home, and upon arriving, his wife remarks on his appearance. So he repeats the same story that the bartender told him, flawlessly, and shows the money to her.
She looks at the cash and says, "Honey, there's ten dollars here."
To which the man replies, "oh yeah, I also shit my pants."
The musician playing my bar told us this tonight. I don't know why I thought it was so funny, but fuck it was at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nwcri/a_man_is_sitting_at_a_bar_doing_some_heavy/
%
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabidooo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nwbtn/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
%
A drunk homeless guy wanted to fight me yesterday

As soon as he kicked me and lost his shoe I could smell defeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nwalk/a_drunk_homeless_guy_wanted_to_fight_me_yesterday/
%
How do prisoners call each other?

On their cell phones!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nwa3d/how_do_prisoners_call_each_other/
%
Trees are really rude

They're always throwing shade!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nw81q/trees_are_really_rude/
%
I came up with a shoe company that specializes in selling oversize shoes

Which is no small feat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nw7dh/i_came_up_with_a_shoe_company_that_specializes_in/
%
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nw6uu/how_is_a_pushup_bra_like_a_bag_of_chips/
%
A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon...

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied the Vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested.
“I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left
the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it
out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$. 3000!” she cried, “$. 3000 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $100, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $3000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nw0ah/a_woman_brought_a_very_limp_duck_in_to_a/
%
If you lose your hearing,...

is it ear replaceable?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nvxei/if_you_lose_your_hearing/
%
I can't figure women out...

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.
I spent $1,000 on lip job for her and she couldn't thank me enough.
I spent $50 on a blowjob for myself and she lost her shit! Women, I can't figure them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nvuc8/i_cant_figure_women_out/
%
Why is helen keller a bad driver?

Because she's dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nvrsw/why_is_helen_keller_a_bad_driver/
%
[NSFW] The best joke ever told to me by a priest.

On the day of the Crucifixion, Jesus was on the Cross, surrounded by a ring of legionaires, while his follows stood just outside the range of their spears. Among them is Simon Peter, Rock of the Church. Faintly on the wind, Simon Peter hears his Master's voice. "Peter, Peter..." heedless of the danger, he rushed forward, shouting, "I'm coming, my Lord!" But alas, he was grabbed by the soldiers, had his arms chopped off, and was thrown back to the crowd. Not a minute passed, but Peter once again heard his name called whisperingly, "Peter, Peter...!" And once again, in a desperate attempt to get to his savior, Simon Peter ran forward, and was caught once more. Losing his legs this time, he was tossed back. A third time, Simon Peter heard his name, "Peter, Peter..." and as he inched his way with his chin, the legionaires were moved by his act of loyalty, and let him pass.
Reaching the foot of the Cross, he looked up, fading fast and said, "I'm here, my Lord, how can I aid you?"
Jesus replied, "Peter... I can see my house from here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nvqj4/nsfw_the_best_joke_ever_told_to_me_by_a_priest/
%
Yo momma so ugly ..

Her portraits hang themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nvo1k/yo_momma_so_ugly/
%
What's a narcissistic hooker's favorite state?

Idaho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nvlpt/whats_a_narcissistic_hookers_favorite_state/
%
Trump visits the Queen.

While visiting England after his election victory, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Trump asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Trump watches as the Queen phones David Cameron and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
David Cameron responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Trump?"
Trump nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Trump, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put his entourage to the test. Trump summons to-be Vice-President Mike Pence to the White House and says, "Tell me Mike, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Trump poses the question: "Well, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Pence hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Trump agrees, and Pence leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Pence calls Rex Tillerson at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Tillerson answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Pence rushes back to the White House, finds Donald Trump, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Rex Tillerson!"
And Trump replies in disgust, "Of course not, dumbass! It's David Cameron!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nvk6l/trump_visits_the_queen/
%
Trump is banning the importing of shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nvg62/trump_is_banning_the_importing_of_shredded_cheese/
%
Why did the Chicken cross the Basketball Court?

Because he heard the Ref was Blowing Fowls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nvfdj/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_basketball_court/
%
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nvdx3/whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a_golf/
%
Thursday night

A man is arrested for murder and taken to prison. While eating in the cafeteria a big black man befriends him. The big black man starts asking questions and giving advice to the new inmate. He tells him who to avoid, what food to eat, ect... Then this big black man starts telling him "hey man anything you need, I can get it for you. Drugs, alcohol, food, you name it I'm your guy." The new inmate thinks this over for a second and says "well since you seem to know the ropes, how do you guys relieve the sexual tension around here?" The big black man says "you know that hole in the wall in the laundry room? Well it's yours to use any night of the week except Thursday" and the new inmate says "well thank you man! But I have to ask, why not Thursday?" And the big black guy smiles and says "because that's your night to be on the other side"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nvdb4/thursday_night/
%
A driver does a rolling stop at a STOP sign

A police officer happens to be there and pulls the driver over.
The officer goes up to the car and asks the driver if he knows why he has been pulled over.
The driver responds "No" with confusion.
The officer states that the driver stop at the intersection.
"But I slowed down..." says the driver.
The officer then kindly asks the driver to step out of the vehicle, to which the driver complies with no hesitation.
Suddenly, the cop whips out his batton and begins to mercilessly beat the citizen repeatedly.
"PLEASE! NO! STOP! STOP!" yells the driver, begging for his life.
At that point, the officer looks at the driver and says "I guess I'll just slow down".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nv9pj/a_driver_does_a_rolling_stop_at_a_stop_sign/
%
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nv8ua/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
%
Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nv8m0/why_did_the_stormtrooper_buy_an_iphone/
%
Whenever I fondle breasts, they fall off.

It's true, I fell tit with my own hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nv61h/whenever_i_fondle_breasts_they_fall_off/
%
An American Indian chief took three wives...

To the first, he gave a buffalo hide. To the second, he gave a deer hide. But for the third, his favorite, he sent a brave far away, across land and water, to retrieve the rare and highly coveted hide of the hippopotamus.
Within a year, the first two squaws had each borne the Indian chief a son. In their honor, they were moved into a spacious, comfortable tepee. The third squaw, though childless, was also moved into another spacious tepee. The first two squaws complained bitterly of this inequity. They, who had borne sons for the chief, had to share a tent, while the third and childless squaw got one to herself. So the chief explained:
"The sons of the squaws of the two hides are equal to the squaw of the hippopotamus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nv2j5/an_american_indian_chief_took_three_wives/
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People say I am condescending.

THAT MEANS I TALK DOWN TO PEOPLE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nuy21/people_say_i_am_condescending/
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How do you circumcise a redneck?

It's quite simple, really. You kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nuwbm/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
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A woman was having sex with her husband's best friend when the telephone rang

And her husband's cell phone number appeared on the caller ID.
As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry
"Relax," she said after she hung up the phone.
he was just calling to tell me that he'll be home late because he's out bowling with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nur4v/a_woman_was_having_sex_with_her_husbands_best/
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Why did the Libertarian cross the road?

Fuck you, none of your business. Am I being detained?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nupz0/why_did_the_libertarian_cross_the_road/
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A women goes in a sex shop and asked for the best dildo.

The seller tells her :
- Take this one, the Zizi Voodoo. You just have to say twice "Zizi Voodoo" and a part of your body where you want it to go and it does straight away!
- Ok, awesome. I'll take it.
On her ride back home she decided to try it in her car. She says
- Zizi Voodoo, Zizi Voodoo, my pussy.
She got so excited that she pressed the gaz pedal and went straight in the front car.
The police arrived and the policemen asked her what happened. She says :
- It's not my fault, it's the Zizi Voodoo !!
and the policemen get's angry and answers :
- Zizi Voodoo, Zizi Voodoo, my ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nuo6v/a_women_goes_in_a_sex_shop_and_asked_for_the_best/
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I saw a black guy running down the street carrying a tv

I thought for a second, "man that looks a lot like mine' so I ran home quick and nope there was mine still shining my shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nuo0h/i_saw_a_black_guy_running_down_the_street/
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There's an apartment building in my neighborhood that's full of guys who think they're Jesus

It's a Messiah Complex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nunt6/theres_an_apartment_building_in_my_neighborhood/
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Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...

And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.
"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.
"Oh yeah I'm fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nunbq/two_bricks_of_salt_visit_a_meat_factory/
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How many mexicans does it take to build a house in....

Shit he's done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5numw2/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_build_a_house_in/
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A man was walking in a graveyard when he spots another man crouching behind a tombstone

"Morning!" he said
The Other man replied:"No just taking a shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5num5k/a_man_was_walking_in_a_graveyard_when_he_spots/
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A nice, calm and respectable lady...

...went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." 
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nul8s/a_nice_calm_and_respectable_lady/
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Hey, baby, are you a school?

Because I want to shoot kids inside you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nuj6b/hey_baby_are_you_a_school/
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"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."

"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied.
"The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."
" I know all that," he said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.
he replied,  "because the poor fools thinking about getting married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nuh3n/honey_said_a_husband_i_invited_a_friend_home_for/
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A very busy man needs to leave on a long business trip...

In fear that his long absence will cause his wife to become disloyal, he decides to get her a way to please herself. The man buys his wife a magic dildo. He introduces the magic dildo to his wife, "Its magic! All you have to do is tell it what to do, and it'll do it!!"
In disbelief the woman decides to test it. "Magic dildo, give me an orgasm!" So the magic dildo quickly flies between her legs and begins to please the woman. The magic dildo is VERY effective.
Seeing that the magic dildo is a big success, the man leaves on his business trip with little fear of infidelity.
The man has been gone several days now and the wife decides to try out the magic dildo once again. The magic dildo works wonders! One orgasm, two orgasm, three orgasms! The little thing is amazing, but as time goes by the woman grows bored of it and she has a busy schedule.
"OK magic dildo, stop!
...
I'm done now, I've had enough!"
For some reason her commands aren't working. She tries for several minutes to get it to stop, but she just can't figure it out.
Realizing that too much time has gone by already and she has too much to do yet, she decides to go about her business as usual despite the magic dildo still going full-speed-ahead.
The woman is driving down the road as she reaches yet another orgasm; as you might imagine, such a thing while driving causes her to begin to drive erratically (or "erotically", pun intended).
A police officer sees her erratic driving and pulls her over. The woman hopelessly tries to explain the situation. She has a magic dildo causing her to orgasm countless times and she can't get it to stop!
As seems to be the common reaction, the police officer is in disbelief and looks the woman in the eye and says "Hah! You expect me to believe this shit? Magic dildo my ass........."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nuf8x/a_very_busy_man_needs_to_leave_on_a_long_business/
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4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nuewb/4_million_of_these_people_enter_our_country_every/
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Man! Did anyone else see the result of the Egypt vs Ethopia soccer game?

Egypt: 8.
Ethopia: Didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nue7b/man_did_anyone_else_see_the_result_of_the_egypt/
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I got fucked by a priest 15 years ago...

I still remeber his exact words...He said, "You may now kiss the bride"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nue3f/i_got_fucked_by_a_priest_15_years_ago/
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Two friends are hiking in the woods

When one stops to pee. During his potty stop, he is bitten on the dick by a rattlesnake. He cries for help, and his friend comes running over. He sees the snake slithering away and his friend holding his wounded member and immediately calls poison control.
"Please help me, my friend's been bitten by a rattlesnake!" The man cries to the Poison Control operator. The operator calms the man before giving him two instructions: first, place a tourniquet on the wound, then to suck the poison out of the afflicted area.
The man gratefully thanks the operator before hanging up. His friend turns to look at him and panickedly asks "What did they say?"
"They said you're going to die!" his friend responds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nu8vq/two_friends_are_hiking_in_the_woods/
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You just need a prescription...

A lady goes into the pharmacy and says
“I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asks,
“Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist says, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband!”
The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looks at the picture and says,
“You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
(borrowed from a friend's post on another social media site that shall remain un-named)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nu8u0/you_just_need_a_prescription/
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I could never eat a vegan burger

I don't believe in cannabalism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nu7qz/i_could_never_eat_a_vegan_burger/
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House for rent

A man puts an ad in the newspaper: "House for rent: christians only"
Next day, someone came. The bad looking owner shows at the door and grumble:
What do you want?
Well, I saw the ad, I want to rent this house.
Ugh, fine, fine, and what is your name?
David Rosenberg says the visitor.
No, no, no. Are you fucking kidding me boy? I won't rent this house to jews! Can't you fucking read? The ad says: CHRISTIANS ONLY!
Yes, I know, although I'm jewish, I'm also a christian.
What the hell? Do you think just because I'm an old men I'm also stupid? There's no such thing as someone being both a jew and a christian.
Sir, I'm not making fun of you, I'm both jew and christian.
Really? So let's make a simple quiz. What's inside of a catholic church?
A sacramentary
And what else?
The book of Gospels
Keep them coming.
Well, the chalice, the communion cups, monstrance, sanctuary lamp...
Ugh, what else?
The confessionary?
Hmmm, and Jesus, is the son of whom?
Joseph.
And?
Mary.
And where was he born?
Bethlehem!
Yeh, yeh, everyone knows that was in Bethlehem, I want to know the place, the house!
It wasn't a house Sir, it was a stable, a barn.
And why a barn?
Well Sir, you see, in those times, there was a motherfucker just like you that didn't rent houses to jews...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nu50t/house_for_rent/
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Jet Fuel Alcoholics

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home.
Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better.
Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.”
Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?”
Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nu32z/jet_fuel_alcoholics/
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I make love like a machine.

Unfortunately it's a two-stroke engine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nu1vu/i_make_love_like_a_machine/
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What did the Vice President say when leaving the White House?

Biden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nu1km/what_did_the_vice_president_say_when_leaving_the/
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There was a social anxiety convention

No one showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ntxqm/there_was_a_social_anxiety_convention/
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What does a drowning person looks like

lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ntxlh/what_does_a_drowning_person_looks_like/
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My girlfriend and I were so happy for 22 years.

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ntx9x/my_girlfriend_and_i_were_so_happy_for_22_years/
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If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear.......

Do you think Greece would help?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ntuke/if_russia_invaded_turkey_from_the_rear/
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The Reporter in the Appalachian Mountains

Life magazine sends one if its reporters to the Appalachian Mountains to gather life stories of the locals. On the first day, the reporter climbs up a mountain and there he encounters an old man sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of his log cabin.
"Good morning, sir. I'm a reporter from Life magazine. I'm here to gather life stories from the folks living in this area. I have a question for you. What was the greatest day in your life?"
The old man thinks for a while and then says, "Well...I remember the day when my neighbor's sheep got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for the darn sheep and we brought along some food and moonshine. But by the time we found the sheep, we were so drunk that we just took turns humping it under the lemon tree! We had a grand time eating, drinking and fornicating!"
The reported is dumbfound by what he just heard.
"Um that's an interesting story sir, but I can't use that in the magazine. What is the second greatest day in your life?"
"Let's see. Well i remember when my neighbor's daughter got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for that darn girl and we brought along some food and moonshine. But by the time we found her we were so drunk that we just took turns humping her under the lemon tree! We had a great time eating, drinking, and fornicating!"
"Listen sir! My magazine won't allow that story to be printed! How about some sad stories? What is the saddest day in your life?"
"Well...I remember the day when I got lost in yonder mountains..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ntp1g/the_reporter_in_the_appalachian_mountains/
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A father dies and in order to be at his daughter's wedding he possesses a bottle of vodka from the kitchen.

At least he was with them in spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nti7t/a_father_dies_and_in_order_to_be_at_his_daughters/
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I told my parents that I wanted to be a comedian for a living and they laughed at me

I guess I'm off to a good start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ntf23/i_told_my_parents_that_i_wanted_to_be_a_comedian/
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Had to remove the seconds hand from my watch..

was really starting to tick me off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ntezm/had_to_remove_the_seconds_hand_from_my_watch/
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance

We'll see about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ntbqv/my_therapist_says_i_have_a_preoccupation_with/
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I think my neighbour's been stalking me, she's been googling my name on her computer

I saw it through my telescope last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ntbeq/i_think_my_neighbours_been_stalking_me_shes_been/
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Relationships are a lot like algebra

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nt9y6/relationships_are_a_lot_like_algebra/
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Two goldfish are in a tank.

One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nt98u/two_goldfish_are_in_a_tank/
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Life is like toilet paper

You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nt8js/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
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I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom

Until they're flashing behind you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nt7n4/i_find_it_ironic_that_the_colors_red_white_and/
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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nt6y1/white_people_dont_shoot_each_other_in_the_streets/
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If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They would eventually find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nt645/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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You know where Russians get their milk?

MOSCOW
(Credits to the game Blood & Bacon)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nt4tp/you_know_where_russians_get_their_milk/
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If you ever feel useless...

Remember there is a someone in the BMW factory installing turn signals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nt4p5/if_you_ever_feel_useless/
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Apparently Donald Trump's favourite film is E.T...

Because it's about an illegal alien that goes home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nt4dq/apparently_donald_trumps_favourite_film_is_et/
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I know how batteries feel...

I'm rarely included in things either.
(Shamelessly stolen)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nt3uv/i_know_how_batteries_feel/
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In the political correctness of 2017, is it still ok to call my wife the "ol ball and chain"?

Or is that rude to the ball and chain?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nt2gk/in_the_political_correctness_of_2017_is_it_still/
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I hate tacos

Said no Juan ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsw1x/i_hate_tacos/
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The bartender says: "I'm sorry, we don't serve faster-than-light particles here."

A tachyon walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsvqv/the_bartender_says_im_sorry_we_dont_serve/
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What do you call a bear covered in a bunch of crows?

A grizzly murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsuid/what_do_you_call_a_bear_covered_in_a_bunch_of/
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I can produce silver just by sniffing.

Smelt it with my own nose.
**I'll show myself out**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsucm/i_can_produce_silver_just_by_sniffing/
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Why couldn't the apple speak to the orange ?

because he didn't know Mandarin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsu04/why_couldnt_the_apple_speak_to_the_orange/
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Friendly Competition

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsszj/friendly_competition/
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I can never figure out where I belong in the navy...

Oops, wrong sub!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsrbw/i_can_never_figure_out_where_i_belong_in_the_navy/
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What do you call a masseuse that hates women?

A massagionist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsqxo/what_do_you_call_a_masseuse_that_hates_women/
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Don't talk shit about someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

That way you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsmwe/dont_talk_shit_about_someone_until_youve_walked_a/
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How did the Redgaurd break her foot?

She was smithing and the Hammerfell!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsmu5/how_did_the_redgaurd_break_her_foot/
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Went to see my doctor and he told i was going to have to stop masturbating

I asked why and he said "Because im trying to examine you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsmk3/went_to_see_my_doctor_and_he_told_i_was_going_to/
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I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting

Oops, wrong thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nslpc/im_having_a_lot_of_difficulty_with_knitting/
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Ladies and gentlemen

, hobos and tramps
Crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants
I've come to tell you a lie that is true.
One fine day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys rose up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other
Pulled out knives and shot each other.
Two deaf policemen heard the noise
And ran to save the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true
Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsk9r/ladies_and_gentlemen/
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft

A-flat-miner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsj90/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_down_a/
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Why was the broom late?

It overswept!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsi7m/why_was_the_broom_late/
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What does a robot do after sex?

Nuts and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsf77/what_does_a_robot_do_after_sex/
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What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsec9/what_is_the_worst_part_about_locking_your_keys/
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Don't call it traditional marriage

if it doesn't improve relations with neighboring fiefdoms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsddk/dont_call_it_traditional_marriage/
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Did anyone else think that...

Mel Gibson's remake of the 'Life of Brian' wasn't nearly as funny as the original?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nscx4/did_anyone_else_think_that/
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Donald Trump and a preist die and go to heaven

St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to Donald Trump
Trump did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, not a Mexican in sight" he mumbled as St. Peter went back for the preist.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When Donald Trump became president, everyone prayed.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nsafw/donald_trump_and_a_preist_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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Two women were walking home from a night out...

When they both decided they needed to take a piss , so they quickly hopped over a wall into a cemetery and did their business.
A few days later the husbands of these two women were at the pub, when one said to the other "i think my wife is having a affair" "how come" the other one responded "well i found some flowers in her underwear the other day" the other guy quiclkly responded and said "you think thats bad i found a note, we will miss you lots, All the lads at the fire station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ns84t/two_women_were_walking_home_from_a_night_out/
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A man lost both his hands in an industrial accident.

Determined to still live a full life, and vowing to be more careful, he declared, "I will never be defeated!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ns5cz/a_man_lost_both_his_hands_in_an_industrial/
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in the doghouse again

I'm in the doghouse again. Last night my Mrs winked an said "If I turned the bedside lamp off, she'd take it up the arse".
I think I should of waited for the bulb to cool down a bit first!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ns2nk/in_the_doghouse_again/
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Asians aren't bad drivers.

They're just disoriented.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ns27g/asians_arent_bad_drivers/
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I asked my girlfriend to shave her cunt.

I woke up the next morning bald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ns0fm/i_asked_my_girlfriend_to_shave_her_cunt/
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Pirate joke

A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him a tour. "There's the plank for trouble makers, there's the deck that needs swabbing every day and there's the barrel for all your sexual needs. "
" Whatcha mean? my sexual needs?"
"Well, you stick your dick in the hole and you will be serviced, anytime you want, except for Wednesdays."
"What happens on Wednesdays?"
"It's your turn in the barrel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrxb4/pirate_joke/
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Why is a woman's asshole like a 9 volt battery?

Because we all know it's wrong but sooner or later we're gonna put our tongue on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrwfh/why_is_a_womans_asshole_like_a_9_volt_battery/
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A guy just assaulted me with milk, cream, and butter.

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrvqd/a_guy_just_assaulted_me_with_milk_cream_and_butter/
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It's weird to me that the shortened version of Charles is "Chuck".

I mean, what the Farles is that about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrt2w/its_weird_to_me_that_the_shortened_version_of/
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Free of Charge

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrraf/free_of_charge/
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I, for one, am proud of Donald Trump for paying those hookers to pee on each other.

He finally paid a contractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrq69/i_for_one_am_proud_of_donald_trump_for_paying/
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Why can't a blonde count to 70?

Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrov0/why_cant_a_blonde_count_to_70/
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why don't programmers like nature?

because it has too many bugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrom3/why_dont_programmers_like_nature/
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what did the grape say when it got stepped on?

nothing but it let out a little wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrofd/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_got_stepped_on/
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I am really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know y.
Credit: Chris Turner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrlqv/i_am_really_good_friends_with_25_letters_of_the/
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Why does no one own an Xbox in Pennsylvania?

Because it's always Sony in Philadelphia!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrlj3/why_does_no_one_own_an_xbox_in_pennsylvania/
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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60, she's 97 today...

and we don't know where the fuck she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrku5/my_grandmother_started_walking_five_miles_a_day/
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A guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrk4i/a_guy_just_assaulted_me_with_milk_cream_and_butter/
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As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day"

Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrjez/as_im_walking_in_to_work_this_morning_my_boss/
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My wife just asked me if I know what today is..

Scaring me is easy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nri9k/my_wife_just_asked_me_if_i_know_what_today_is/
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Why does a blonde put empty bottles in her fridge?

For guests that aren't thirsty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrhwo/why_does_a_blonde_put_empty_bottles_in_her_fridge/
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What do you call Mohammed when he's drunk?

Mohammered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nre6b/what_do_you_call_mohammed_when_hes_drunk/
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A hairless cat walks into a bar

He hops onto a seat and orders a drink. The bartender is surprised to see the cat is wearing an elegant mink coat, and further, that it is made to fit the size and shape of a cat.
The bartender says “That’s a mighty fine coat you’re wearing. I’ve never heard of coats made for cats, did you design it yourself?”
“Oh no,” said the cat, “if I made coats I’d be a little furrier.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrdg1/a_hairless_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
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A older man bought himself a convertible sports car

He figured he'd lived past the age of 50 quite responsibly and it was about time he started having some fun.
He was driving down the highway with the roof down far exceeding the speed limit.  Suddenly he sees blue lights flashing in his rear view mirror, the traffic police...
Increasing speed he started pulling away from the police, 150km/h, 180km/h, 200km/h, until the blue lights were nothing but a small spot in his rear view mirror.
"I shouldn't be doing this! I'm over 50 years old! I can't be running away from the police!" and so he slowed down, waiting patiently to face his punishment.
When the officer finally showed up, he got out and slowly approached the man's vehicle.  Immediately the man started apologising, "I'm so terribly sorry officer, I don't know what got into me, that was completely reckless of me and I'm ready to face whatever happens next."
The officer could see the man was sincere and suggested to him "Look, it's the end of my shift, if write you a ticket I'm going to have to head back to the station and submit all the paperwork.  If you can give me a good reason for going so fast, we can let this one slide, okay?"
The old man thought for a minute and said "Well officer, about 20 years ago my, now, ex-wife ran off with a police man.  When I saw you behind me I thought you were trying to give her back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nrd2l/a_older_man_bought_himself_a_convertible_sports/
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I told my doctor I´d got hearing problems

He said "describe the symptoms"
I said "Homer´s a fat bloke, drinks beer, and Marge has got blue hair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nr7il/i_told_my_doctor_id_got_hearing_problems/
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Q: What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a sweater for Christmas?

A: Gee you knitt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nr4xq/q_what_did_50_cent_say_to_his_grandma_when_she/
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Britons vs. Americans

Americans:
It's Mom not Mum
It's Chips not Crisps
It's Fries not Chips
It's Color not Colour
It's Soccer not Football
It's Football not Rugby
Britons:
It's School not Shooting Range.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nr2ie/britons_vs_americans/
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How do ghosts become friends?

They bond over boos.
I made this up while sleep-deprived last night.  I am sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nr120/how_do_ghosts_become_friends/
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A Catholic priest and an atheist are playing golf

On the first hole, the atheist hits the ball into the woods, and exclaims "Oh, for Christ's sake! I missed." The priest tells him "careful my son, God will punish you if you use such language." They finish the hole, move on to the next hole, and, this time, the atheist hits the ball into the sand. He screams "God damn it, I missed!" to which the priest warns him once again.
Third hole, with the priest having a nice lead, the atheist hits the ball into the lake, and exclaims "God fucking dammit!"
Suddenly, the sky gets real dark, and lightning strikes the golf field. The clouds part, and a voice in the sky says "Jesus fucking Christ, I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nr0to/a_catholic_priest_and_an_atheist_are_playing_golf/
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Do you know what happened the first time Ed Sheeran started flirting with a girl before he was famous?

She ran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nr0kb/do_you_know_what_happened_the_first_time_ed/
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Just got a diamond ring for my girlfriend

Fair trade if you ask me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nr04j/just_got_a_diamond_ring_for_my_girlfriend/
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Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...

* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqz7z/ladies_a_guide_to_understanding_what_guys_say/
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The Family Ranch

Two sisters, one blonde, and one brunette inherit a family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqyjw/the_family_ranch/
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To make a delicious omlette...

you must be an eggspert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqxmc/to_make_a_delicious_omlette/
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Whats a porn star's favorite drink?

Dixon Cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqwdy/whats_a_porn_stars_favorite_drink/
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I used to think I was a fast reader

And I was quite proud of it until I heard about these so called "9- 11 Jumpers" who went through over 100 stories in 10 seconds
...Incoming repost comments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqruf/i_used_to_think_i_was_a_fast_reader/
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Why can’t a bike stand on its own?

It's two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqrgx/why_cant_a_bike_stand_on_its_own/
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What's the difference between the government and your wife?

The government enjoys fucking you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqowg/whats_the_difference_between_the_government_and/
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqoqb/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
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What kind of books do fruit read?

Pulp Fiction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqomg/what_kind_of_books_do_fruit_read/
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What does Batman like in his drink?

Just ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqo2i/what_does_batman_like_in_his_drink/
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I can control sheep by just listening to them

It's true, I heard them with my own ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nql0w/i_can_control_sheep_by_just_listening_to_them/
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Since I’m going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.

He said “OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.”
I said “It’s ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.”
He's said “No - anti-depressants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqk4t/since_im_going_away_to_college_my_dad_sat_me_down/
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There was once a rooster and a cat

The cat fell into a pond and the rooster laughed at it.
Moral of the story: Whenever there is a wet pussy, there is a happy cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqj1k/there_was_once_a_rooster_and_a_cat/
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What the difference between woman and man?

A man has always the same penis between his legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqi7l/what_the_difference_between_woman_and_man/
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My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I've told her not to get her hopes up.
"After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqi10/my_girlfriend_is_turning_32_soon/
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Two guys are delivering a piano...

.... on the 10th floor of a walk-up building. On the 9th floor they rest for one final time.
Guy in the front: "Dude, I got good news and bad news"
Guy in the back: "Tell me the bad news first."
Guy in the front: "We're in the wrong building."
Guy in the back: "And the good news?"
Guy in the front: "We only have one more floor to go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqi0y/two_guys_are_delivering_a_piano/
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What does my Uncle and my account balance have in common?

I cry whenever I see them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqgtj/what_does_my_uncle_and_my_account_balance_have_in/
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A man wants to buy his wife a gift.

He decides to get her a brand new pair of gloves, as she's been complaining about her old ones. After doing some research, he finds the only glover in town, and drives over.
When he arrives at the store, he is blown away by all the different types of gloves. Sitting in stacks, he sees leather gloves so smooth that they feel like butter. He sees velvet gloves lined every type of fur he can imagine.
Knowing his wife, he decides to get her some nice woolen mittens to keep her warm. Sure enough, he finds exactly what he was envisioning: a beatifully woven wool mitten in his wife's favorite color.
But for the life of him, he can only find the one mitten, and not it's match. Come to think of it, none of the gloves in this store have matches!
The husband went to the cashier and asked,
"Excuse me, I'd like to purchase this mitten but I can't find its counterpart. In fact, it seems like every glove in this shop is missing its mate!"
The cashier smiles and responds,
"We only sell single gloves in this shop. If you want to buy a matching set, I recommend you find a second-hand store!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqfxw/a_man_wants_to_buy_his_wife_a_gift/
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Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.

Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.
Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.
Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.
Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.
Timmy opens his 3rd present and its a VR headset.
Tommy opens his 3rd present and its a busted pair of sunglasses.
Now that opening presents is over, Timmy and Tommy are now analyzing each others presents and looking to see how their presents stack up against each other.
Timmy says "Boy, it sure looks like I beat you in Christmas this year."
Tommy swiftly responds, "Oh yeah? Well at least I don't have terminal cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqc9t/twins_timmy_and_tommy_wake_up_christmas_morning/
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I run a suicide hotline.

A guy called me once, told me I had 60 seconds to convince him not to jump off his balcony on the 41st floor.
He must've confused me with the *anti*-suicide hotline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nqbz0/i_run_a_suicide_hotline/
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I just found out insomnia is illegal in my home town.

They call it resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nq9ft/i_just_found_out_insomnia_is_illegal_in_my_home/
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Darth Vader

The only black guy who admitted he was the father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nq8p0/darth_vader/
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What popular board game do dyslexics hate?

Scramble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nq1a2/what_popular_board_game_do_dyslexics_hate/
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What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time?

I am not a cook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npzqo/what_did_richard_nixon_say_after_he_tried_to_make/
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A man doesn't trust his wife...

He calls her from his work all the time asking where she is. She always tells him that she's in the kitchen preparing food. And so he asks her to turn on the mixer for proof, which she does.
One day he called his son and asked him where his mom is. His son said: "She went out like everyday... and took the mixer with her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npza5/a_man_doesnt_trust_his_wife/
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Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.

The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npz8m/two_drunks_were_walking_home_along_the_railway/
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Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.

Luckily I was the one facing the television.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npz3o/last_night_me_and_my_girlfriend_watched_three/
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A woman was surprised by her husband, who suffers from premature ejaculation.

He just comes out of nowhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npyxg/a_woman_was_surprised_by_her_husband_who_suffers/
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How do you know that Noah was white?

No black guy could go 40 days on a boat without eating chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npxoy/how_do_you_know_that_noah_was_white/
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You know the best thing about having a penis?

You get to share it with people who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npw5g/you_know_the_best_thing_about_having_a_penis/
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TIL in 1937 the Germans sank their own U-boat instead of the American USS Anders.

"Sorry, wrong sub"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npux1/til_in_1937_the_germans_sank_their_own_uboat/
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A soldier from the French legion is deployed to the middle of nowhere in the desert and slowly begins to lose it.

Henry joins the French Foreign Legion, and after his training he's deployed to a safe, small garrison in the middle of nowhere near a village. On most days he's just there by himself and he gets pretty bored.
Eventually the heat and internet porn get to his head, and he decides he's going to try and have sex with a camel. He goes to the yard, finds the cutest dromedary in there, pulls down his trousers and tries to penetrate her. But the beast always shifts to the side and doesn't let him get in. Henry gets increasingly more frustrated, but as he's going to fetch some rope he suddenly hears a commotion outside the garrison. He pulls his trousers up, jumps on the dromedary and follows the noise until he gets to a well, were a couple of bandits* are harassing a decent looking woman. He attacks them, they flee immediately afraid more soldiers will come.
The woman runs to the legionnaire and hugs him, shouting with joy. "I can't believe you came and rescued me, I was resigned to the worse! Thank you thank you thank you! What can I do to thank you? I am willing to do anything, you have no idea what was going to happen to me...!"
"Anything? You are really willing to do anything?"
"Yes, I am so happy, and if I have to lose my virginity so be it..!"
"OK then, if you insist... can you please hold this fucking camel still for me?"
^(* not ISIS related)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npt3p/a_soldier_from_the_french_legion_is_deployed_to/
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A large, Canadian company was looking to hire someone for an important position

They interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names: It's either: "Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
He got the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npsh2/a_large_canadian_company_was_looking_to_hire/
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I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npsel/i_can_cut_down_a_tree_just_by_looking_at_it/
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My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.
- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npn2i/my_wife_has_a_tattoo_of_a_shell_on_the_inside_of/
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What do Nazi Germany and vaginas have in common?

Their tendency to subjugate poles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nphxv/what_do_nazi_germany_and_vaginas_have_in_common/
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What do you call a website full of common Indian phrases and slang?

Turban Dictionary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npgr2/what_do_you_call_a_website_full_of_common_indian/
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Three Englishman go into a pub

They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers.  They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.
"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up."  So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!"
The Irishman looks up from his beer and says "Ye don't say? Thanks for tellin me." The Englishman goes back to his pals.
"Let me give it a try," says the next guy.  He goes over to the Irishman and says "Hey mate, I heard your Saint Patrick was a transvestite!"
The Irishman looks up from his beer. "Well fancy that! Thanks for the information my buy!"
The Englishman slinks back to his seat.
"You guys don't know how to tick off an Irishman!" The third guy says.  "Watch this."  He goes over to him and says "Hey pal I heard Saint Patrick was English!"
The Irishman turns to him and says "Yeah that's what yer buddies were tellin me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npexg/three_englishman_go_into_a_pub/
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To have a successful marriage, every man has to follow these four steps...

1. Find a woman who will love you unconditionally.
2. Find a woman who will always cook for you.
3. Find a woman who will always want to have sex with you.
4. And most importantly, ensure that none of these women ever meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npehl/to_have_a_successful_marriage_every_man_has_to/
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What makes a joke bad?

redundancy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npc4z/what_makes_a_joke_bad/
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What do you call a toothless bear?

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5npa2y/what_do_you_call_a_toothless_bear/
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Did you ever get two pieces of shocking news at once?

I just found out my sister was diagnosed with testicular cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5np9ze/did_you_ever_get_two_pieces_of_shocking_news_at/
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Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5np8v1/yesterday_i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food/
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I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties.

My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is:
She bought me some Viagra;
And I've bought her a treadmill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5np87a/im_about_three_years_into_my_relationship_now_and/
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(Long) A man opens a bar

Steve is an unemployed man with big dreams.  He have heard marvelous stories about people opening bars and becoming rich so he thought about going the same footstep and open one.
For days he searched for buildings, but all of them were expensive. The only one he could afford was a weird house with a flat roof, located in a small town.
"Better than nothing" he proclaimed and made a deal.
Steve could not wait to open the bar. He renovated the house and started to ordered alot of different beer brands to his bar.
Days went and no one came in.
Steve became depressed, why would no one visit?
On the other side of the street he could see a bar with alot of customers.
So one day he went into the bar and started order some beer. The bartender said "Sorry but we don't serve beer anymore, people in this town only drink soda"
What a weird town Steve thought for himself.
He went back to his own bar and started to order all kinds of sodas.
The problem was, that he did not know what to do with all the beer that he had bought earlier. He did not have any room to put it in. The only place he could think about was the roof. So he took all the beer and placed it on the flat roof.
Steve reopened the bar and in a mere second the bar was full with people ordering all kinds of sodas.
Then one day a foreign man came into the bar, he looked angry as hell and screamed "Where can a man find himself some beer in this goddamned town!?"
Steve, with a big smile on his face said:
"It's your lucky day sir, it's on the house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5np7c9/long_a_man_opens_a_bar/
%
During a job interview, I got the typical question about my greatest weakness.

"Kryptonite."
I start on Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5np7b2/during_a_job_interview_i_got_the_typical_question/
%
I got received an e-mail from my Buddhist friend...

...it was free from attachments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5np6xw/i_got_received_an_email_from_my_buddhist_friend/
%
I want to start a towing company.

I'll name it Jaques Crew Tow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5np3kb/i_want_to_start_a_towing_company/
%
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5np0w9/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
Finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures.

It's my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nozyd/finally_figured_out_the_reason_why_l_look_so_bad/
%
"Aw man, who's going to agree to play Frodo in the Lord of the Rings movies?"

"Elijah Would."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5noxri/aw_man_whos_going_to_agree_to_play_frodo_in_the/
%
Most people prefer quilts over duvets

but you shouldn't make blanket statements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nowqh/most_people_prefer_quilts_over_duvets/
%
Germans, Englishmen and Frenchmen in Heaven

In heaven, the Germans are the Engineers, the French are the cooks, and the English are the policemen.
But in hell, the Germans are the policemen, the French are the engineers, and the English are the cooks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5noteq/germans_englishmen_and_frenchmen_in_heaven/
%
Im sick of people calling America "the stupidest country in the world"

Personally, I think Europe is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5noh4f/im_sick_of_people_calling_america_the_stupidest/
%
Did you hear about the blind prostitue?

Well, you gotta hand it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nofpu/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_prostitue/
%
Did you hear how the deaf electrician asked his friend to repeat what he said?

Watt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nof3d/did_you_hear_how_the_deaf_electrician_asked_his/
%
What's the hardest thing about rollerblading ??

Telling your parents you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nof2u/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_rollerblading/
%
What language do Fed-Ex drivers speak?

Parcel-tongue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5noc5y/what_language_do_fedex_drivers_speak/
%
What do you call Mike Tyson on drugs?

Methed up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nobvz/what_do_you_call_mike_tyson_on_drugs/
%
What do you call a drug-addicted canine?

A meth lab!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nob7j/what_do_you_call_a_drugaddicted_canine/
%
Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers

throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5noacq/isnt_it_just_a_little_ironic_to_see_a_group_of/
%
I switched my kids to almond milk.

Whenever people ask me if I think it's healthier I tell them "Nah, I just got tired of them asking why their picture is on the back of the milk cartons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5no9ap/i_switched_my_kids_to_almond_milk/
%
If your job ever feels pointless...

just remember somebody is the fact checker for Buzz Feed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5no8hd/if_your_job_ever_feels_pointless/
%
How many sex addicts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but they'd have to be really tiny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5no74f/how_many_sex_addicts_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
(NSFW) Fact:

The donkey is the only know animal that can reproduce by ass fucking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5no6nt/nsfw_fact/
%
What do gamers who switch consoles and mathematicians have in common?

They both have problems finding x.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5no4rz/what_do_gamers_who_switch_consoles_and/
%
So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain"

I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5no3rm/so_my_wife_said_to_me_i_swear_its_like_all_men/
%
What's the best part of a redneck brothel?

The family discount

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5no2g3/whats_the_best_part_of_a_redneck_brothel/
%
Why can't a bike stand on its own?

Because it is two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5no0nu/why_cant_a_bike_stand_on_its_own/
%
A teenage blonde wanted to earn some money...

So she decided to hire her self out as a handy man and started canvassing the neighborhood.
She went to the door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge?"
"How about $50?" She answered.
The man agreed and told her the paint she would need was in the garage.
the man's wife overheard the conversation and said to her husband, "does she realize the porch goes all the way around the house?"
"She should," the man replied.  "She was standing on the porch when we talked,".
A short while later the blonde came to the door to collect her money
"your finished already?" He asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats!"
Impressed, the man reached in to his pocket fishing for his wallet
"And by the way" the blonde added,
"that's not a porch it's a Ferrari!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nnypk/a_teenage_blonde_wanted_to_earn_some_money/
%
What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A megasoreass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nnwn2/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
What do you call a sleeping T-Rex?

A dinosnore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nnuty/what_do_you_call_a_sleeping_trex/
%
Why will the columbine high basket ball team lose the tournament?

Because they lost their 2 best shooters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nnutd/why_will_the_columbine_high_basket_ball_team_lose/
%
I got bit by a dog today.

Hurts like a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nntjv/i_got_bit_by_a_dog_today/
%
A smoking hot girl walks into a bar.

A guy at the bar says, "Wow, you're gonna get laid tonight!"
She replies, "Hehe, how do you know?"
He replies, "Because I'm stronger than you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nnsyn/a_smoking_hot_girl_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My penis is so big if i laid it out on a keyboard

It would reach from A to Z

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nns5u/my_penis_is_so_big_if_i_laid_it_out_on_a_keyboard/
%
How do you know if you're at a gay BBQ?

All the wieners taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nnrrs/how_do_you_know_if_youre_at_a_gay_bbq/
%
Why could Donald Trump never be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nnpkj/why_could_donald_trump_never_be_a_lannister/
%
Sweatshirts are my favorite thing.

Like am I wearing a bra or not? Probably not because I am a guy but the mystery is still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nnor4/sweatshirts_are_my_favorite_thing/
%
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

The first cannibal asks "Does it taste funny?"
The second cannibal turns around and says "nope."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nnn7d/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
%
I was working on a new rape joke, but i couldn't get the punchline to flow right.

It just came off sounding too forced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nnmjf/i_was_working_on_a_new_rape_joke_but_i_couldnt/
%
I have a french gun for sale from WW1. In excellent condition.

Never been used and only dropped once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nnkrq/i_have_a_french_gun_for_sale_from_ww1_in/
%
Well, does it touch yet?

A young boy walks up to his father who is sitting in his favorite chair and asks him "Daddy, can you and mommy get me a new skateboard?"
The father replies "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
Confused, the young boy replies "Ummm, I don't think so.."
"Well then you can't have a skateboard."
A few years go by and the son comes up to his dad again, "Dad, can you and mom by me a new bike?"
"Does you dick touch your asshole?"
The son once again says no with a sad face.
"Well no new bike for you."
18 years old and just graduated, the son walks down stairs with a big grin on his face and asks his father "Hey pops! Can you and moms hook me up with a new car since I just graduated with straight A's!?"
"Does your dick touch your asshole?" asks the father.
With a large smile the son replies "YES IT DOES DAD, I JUST CHECKED!"
The father says "Well then GO FUCK YOURSELF!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nnk7r/well_does_it_touch_yet/
%
Mountains aren't just funny...

They're hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nnj77/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
What's an Australian kiss?

The same thing as a French kiss, except it's Down Under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nngug/whats_an_australian_kiss/
%
I did an impression of Borat using my iPhone today

It was a great 6S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nngcv/i_did_an_impression_of_borat_using_my_iphone_today/
%
A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night...

And he gets crabs.
So the next day, he goes back to complain.
And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nn94z/a_guy_goes_to_a_5_lady_of_the_night/
%
Why do most French recipes require only one egg?

In France, one egg is *un oeuf*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nn81j/why_do_most_french_recipes_require_only_one_egg/
%
I've spent all day trying to convince people on Reddit I'm French...

I give up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nn7hg/ive_spent_all_day_trying_to_convince_people_on/
%
A wizard walks into a gay bar

... and disappeared with a poof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nn5e3/a_wizard_walks_into_a_gay_bar/
%
Did you hear about the man who was found dead shortly after insulting one Mr. T Crews?

He died of dissin' Terry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nn48o/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_was_found_dead/
%
I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmyl5/i_told_my_psychiatrist_im_thinking_about_suicide/
%
A liar, a murderer, and a thief walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "what will it be, Mrs. Clinton?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmwil/a_liar_a_murderer_and_a_thief_walk_into_a_bar/
%
They finally created a documentary about clocks.

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmsfo/they_finally_created_a_documentary_about_clocks/
%
My hands are really reliable

I can always count on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmsaf/my_hands_are_really_reliable/
%
What did a Jewish guy do first thing in the morning?

Hebrew coffee
Go easy on me with this pun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmrzu/what_did_a_jewish_guy_do_first_thing_in_the/
%
Young men of reddit, do you plan on getting married someday? I tell you, marriage is a lot of work, but it's worth it. You will do things you never though yourself capable of...

For instance, someday, you'll fuck a fat woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmrai/young_men_of_reddit_do_you_plan_on_getting/
%
People ask me what's my favorite vegetable.

Apparently Stephen Hawking is a bad answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmo6v/people_ask_me_whats_my_favorite_vegetable/
%
I once knew a woman that dated several knights at once

Polyarmory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmo0r/i_once_knew_a_woman_that_dated_several_knights_at/
%
Two clowns are eating a cannibal...

One turns to the other and says "Bob, I think we are telling this joke wrong..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmnwc/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
%
A lady that sat next to me on a plane freaked out when she realized that I am a muslim.

I laughed so hard my grenades nearly fell out of my pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmnlt/a_lady_that_sat_next_to_me_on_a_plane_freaked_out/
%
What do you get when you play tug of war with a pig?

Pulled pork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmnjd/what_do_you_get_when_you_play_tug_of_war_with_a/
%
what was the question ?

A boy comes home proudly announces to his parents "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"
The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing Lenny! And what was the question?"
Sticking out his chest, the boys says, "Who farted?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmnat/what_was_the_question/
%
A man and wife go camping

The wife is trying to get the campfire going but all the logs are damp, so she sends her husband off to find some.
Many hours later he returns, walking as if his ass is on fire.
His wife says, 'well where's the fire logs' to which her husband replies, ' I found a store full of country types, and they got confused when I asked for some dry wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmm3y/a_man_and_wife_go_camping/
%
When it comes to gay sex, I think the backwards views of my grandfather are disgusting

So I might try missionary style with him instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmli7/when_it_comes_to_gay_sex_i_think_the_backwards/
%
I was at the bar the other night...

I had been there a while when two rather large women came up to the bar and ordered drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said ‘it’s WALES you idiot!!!’
I immediately replied ‘Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmkui/i_was_at_the_bar_the_other_night/
%
Give a man a jacket

He will be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket, he will never leave the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmk5s/give_a_man_a_jacket/
%
Reason for Beer Money

Boudreaux's wife, Marie, told him that she was cutting back on his beer drinking because they just can't afford it.
He responded: "Hold up, I saw you spent 100 bucks for your haircut, 50 bucks on your nails, 75 bucks on your make up, and have a 70 dollar a month gym membership and you want to take my beer money away!?"
Marie said that all of those things were to make her be beautiful for him.
Boudreaux asked her:  "What do you think the beer is for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmiad/reason_for_beer_money/
%
Two cannibals are enjoying dinner.

One compliments the other, "I say, Bill, your wife really makes a great meal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmgv9/two_cannibals_are_enjoying_dinner/
%
I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise blow job.

Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmgcw/i_had_a_huge_home_party_last_night_and_i_was/
%
Once upon a time... A Long looooong time ago, there was a man.

Now there are many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmfxw/once_upon_a_time_a_long_looooong_time_ago_there/
%
Saying goodnight at the door

One night, a guy takes his girlfriend home.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you insane? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on, no one's gonna see us at this hour."
"No, please. Can you imagine if we got caught?"
"Oh, come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way, it's just too risky!"
"Oh PLEASE? I love you sooo much!"
"No, no, and no! I just can't."
"I beg you..."
Suddenly, the lights come on downstairs and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. and in a sleepy voice says.
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if need to be, Mom can come down to do it.
But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom so we can go back to sleep!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmfvp/saying_goodnight_at_the_door/
%
I really like Phish

But my wife likes Korn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmdzb/i_really_like_phish/
%
What did the bassist say when he played too high?

I'm in treble now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmd8e/what_did_the_bassist_say_when_he_played_too_high/
%
What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver?

The home golfer goes WHACK! "Oh no!" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmbrw/whats_the_difference_between_a_useless_golfer_and/
%
I've being trying to find an anagram for "sage".

It's taken me ages and ages, but I still haven't got anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nmb47/ive_being_trying_to_find_an_anagram_for_sage/
%
Doing a suicide attack is...

...a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nm9s4/doing_a_suicide_attack_is/
%
TIL It is common for staff and surgeons to laugh hysterically during separation surgery to conjoined twins.

Well it is side-splitting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nm97z/til_it_is_common_for_staff_and_surgeons_to_laugh/
%
Did you hear they found life on Mars?

But, Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nm5za/did_you_hear_they_found_life_on_mars/
%
"Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?"

Some American tourists were cruising the marketplace in Cairo, Egypt, looking for some souvenirs to bring home with them, and one of them came across a man knelt down by a camel and he asked.
"Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?"
The Egyptian looked at him, reached up, and took the camel by the balls and moved them slightly to the left.
"Its ten after two." he pronounced.
The American was amazed, he couldn't believe what he had just seen and he ran off to find his friends and tell them about the man who could tell time from a camel's balls.
After a short time he found them and of course they didn't believe him so he insisted that they go back and he'd prove it, so they agreed and returned.
The American once again asked. "Excuse sir, I'm sorry to bother you again, but would you have the time?"
The Egyptian looked at him and once again reached out and grabbed the camels balls and once again slightly moved them to the left and said. "It's twenty after two."
The group was amazed and they left to go about their business, but the original discoverer of the miracle time teller remained behind.
"Listen my friend, I would love to know how you do that. If I give you one hundred American dollars would you show me how you do it?"
The Egyptian thought for a moment and nodded ok and pocketed the hundred dollars and then motioned to the American to kneel where he was.
The American knelt and then the Egyptian said. "All right grab the camels balls and gently pick them up and slightly move them to the left."
The American followed the Egyptian's orders to the tee and then asked. "Now what?"
The Egyptian said. "OK crouch down a little more, now do you see that clock on the wall over there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nm5xs/excuse_me_sir_would_you_happen_to_have_the_time/
%
I wouldn't say I was going bald, but....

When I asked my barber to cut my hair, he replied, "which one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nm4fz/i_wouldnt_say_i_was_going_bald_but/
%
An old couple is laying in bed when the old lady remembers that she needs some money for groceries...

She whispers into the old man's ear: "Can you lend me $100? ".
The man answers: "Sorry dear but I can't hear you. You know this ear of mine is deaf, try the other ear".
The old lady scoots and whispers into his other ear: "Can you lend me $200?".
The old man is astonished and replies: "Can you whisper into my $100 ear again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nm45b/an_old_couple_is_laying_in_bed_when_the_old_lady/
%
if you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married ...

Find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, and buy her a house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nm1s1/if_youve_ever_wondered_what_itd_be_like_to_be/
%
Why do golfers wear two pair of pants?

Incase they get a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nm0ym/why_do_golfers_wear_two_pair_of_pants/
%
Why don't Jews believe in the New Testament?

They're not buying it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlwi2/why_dont_jews_believe_in_the_new_testament/
%
People are always asking me, "When are you going to learn to drive?"

I don't think they feel very safe in my taxi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlvrw/people_are_always_asking_me_when_are_you_going_to/
%
Hitler wasn't such a bad guy

After all he did kill Hitler. Then again... He killed the guy who killed Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlvfd/hitler_wasnt_such_a_bad_guy/
%
A boy comes home from school at 7pm

His dad says "where were you? " "I was with Jessica." He replied. "What were you doing?" "We were revising." After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely." Dad replies "Wash your hands Martin, they're fucking donuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlv7k/a_boy_comes_home_from_school_at_7pm/
%
An interesting fact about Darth Vader

He's got a good poker face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlv3q/an_interesting_fact_about_darth_vader/
%
The fly and the river

So there's this river that flows next to a beaten dirt path, it's a peaceful place, with lots of local wildlife flocking to the site. This leads to many confrontations between the multitudes of fauna, such as the one I am about to tell you :
So a fly is flying 3 inches above the waterline, just buzzing around lazily and chilling in general. A few feet below lies a king salmon, swimming around, thinking :
*"If that the fly will drop a few inches I can jump up and eat it!"*
Now on the riverbank, there's a bear observing what's going on, and it's thinking to itself :
*"If that fly drops a few inches and the salmon jumps up to eat it, I can catch that salmon"*
Down the road, a few hundred feet away a hunter stands ready to strike down the bear, he just needs a better shot. So the hunter is thinking :
*"If that fly drops a few inches and the fish eats the fly, and the bear eats the fish, I can shoot that there bear."*
Now a mouse is hidden in the grass next to the hunter, not far from his packs, and the mouse is thinking :
*"If that fly gets eaten by the fish and the bear catches the fish and the hunter shoots the bear, that gives me an opportunity to grab some of his cheese."*
Further up a hill, watching over it all there's a tabby cat, and the cat is thinking :
*"If that fly gets eaten by the fish and the bear catches the fish and the hunter shoots the bear, and the mouse takes the cheese, I can eat the mouse."*
So the fly drops a few inches, the fish jumps up gracefully and eats the fly, the bear catches the fish in it's powerful jaws, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse nimbly takes the cheese, but when the cat races down the hill to eat the mouse, it slips and falls into the water.
**Moral of the story? Well whenever a fly drops a few inches a pussy gets wet.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlusw/the_fly_and_the_river/
%
New inmate at prison.

A new inmate arrives at prison and he is visibly scared and nervous when he is approached by a veteran inmate.
"Hey man, it's not so bad here.  Let me ask you something, do you like movies?"
"Yeah, I like movies."
"Great!  Every Monday we have a movie night.  Let me ask you something else.  Do you like baseball?"
"Yes, I like baseball."
"Great!  Every Tuesday we go outside and play baseball in the yard.  Let me ask you, do you like Italian food?"
"Yes, I do."
"That's fantastic!  Every Wednesday we have a pasta night.  Now let me ask you one more thing.  You aren't by any chance a homosexual, are you?"
"No.  No, I am not."
"Ohhh...well you're not going to like Thursdays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlu1n/new_inmate_at_prison/
%
What's the difference between a brown-noser and a butt-kisser?

Depth perception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nltt9/whats_the_difference_between_a_brownnoser_and_a/
%
My body is very well-defined.

If you look under the word "obese".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nltrz/my_body_is_very_welldefined/
%
A man suffering from premature ejaculation schedules an appointment with his doctor.

He arrives to early and spends the rest of the time awkwardly sitting there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlte5/a_man_suffering_from_premature_ejaculation/
%
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $2 and deer nuts are just under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlqd4/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
So this guy who suffers from premature ejaculation...

...comes out of nowhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nloy2/so_this_guy_who_suffers_from_premature_ejaculation/
%
I have been suffering from Priapism for the last 2 days

My wife is taking it pretty hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlov5/i_have_been_suffering_from_priapism_for_the_last/
%
What did the pencil say to the sharpener?

Stop going in circles and get to the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nloem/what_did_the_pencil_say_to_the_sharpener/
%
What is a potato's favorite TV show?

M.A.S.H.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlmis/what_is_a_potatos_favorite_tv_show/
%
Research shows that masturbation is one of the main causes of acne.

Also, acne is the main cause of masturbation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlm94/research_shows_that_masturbation_is_one_of_the/
%
What's the difference between young girls and photographs?

After putting them in a dark room, you have to wait for the photograph to fully develop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlm24/whats_the_difference_between_young_girls_and/
%
There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those who understand binary and those who get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nllz8/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
[NSFW] Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.
You should have seen her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nljf6/nsfw_yesterday_i_gave_a_surprise_bukkake_party_to/
%
It makes sense that Trump is into golden showers

Republicans love trickle down economics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlj4y/it_makes_sense_that_trump_is_into_golden_showers/
%
A book fell on my head today

I only have my shelf to blame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nliw4/a_book_fell_on_my_head_today/
%
What kind of person do people hate moving in next to them that starts with an 'N' and ends with an 'r'? [NSFW]

A 'neighbor,' you racist fuck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlhpn/what_kind_of_person_do_people_hate_moving_in_next/
%
An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV.

He asked, "What is that for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlhbe/an_imperial_roman_soldier_was_wounded_on_the/
%
What did the teller say to a business owner who drops all of his checks

At least they didn't bounce!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlfzo/what_did_the_teller_say_to_a_business_owner_who/
%
There are two types of people. Those who have sex daily

And those who don't have dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlfgt/there_are_two_types_of_people_those_who_have_sex/
%
I should have been more suspicious

when the Chinese guy offered to “wok my dog for me”…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlfg0/i_should_have_been_more_suspicious/
%
What do you call a Asian born in Canada

Ehsian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nlaij/what_do_you_call_a_asian_born_in_canada/
%
Donald Trump wants to make Russia great again all along.....

We should have known, he kept talking about seizing the means of reproduction after all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nl7nu/donald_trump_wants_to_make_russia_great_again_all/
%
This was my grandpa's favorite joke: why don't elephants wear ties?

Because then they'd be called Elegants !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nl7is/this_was_my_grandpas_favorite_joke_why_dont/
%
Why aren't dogs very good dancers?

They have two left feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nl4pt/why_arent_dogs_very_good_dancers/
%
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me.

But has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nl3g4/i_suspect_that_my_cat_has_plans_to_kill_me/
%
A man wins the lottery

and when he gets home, he says, "Honey, pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
She says, "That's great!  Where are we going?"
He says, "I don't care.  Just pack your shit and get the fuck out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nl3bs/a_man_wins_the_lottery/
%
I'm going to name my son Awesome...

...so whenever he sleeps with someone, they are fucking Awesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nl2l5/im_going_to_name_my_son_awesome/
%
A German got pulled over by the police in France

*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*German:* "31"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nl27y/a_german_got_pulled_over_by_the_police_in_france/
%
the girl that had grown a monkey

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nl1qn/the_girl_that_had_grown_a_monkey/
%
If there was someone selling drugs in this place,

weed know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nl1jg/if_there_was_someone_selling_drugs_in_this_place/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nl1gp/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_hit_in_the/
%
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nl1bd/yesterday_i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food/
%
It's OK to watch an elephant bathe

as they usually have their trunks on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nl0q2/its_ok_to_watch_an_elephant_bathe/
%
What's the Difference Between An Onion and a Baby

I cry when I cut onions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nl0o1/whats_the_difference_between_an_onion_and_a_baby/
%
I farted on the bus today and four people turned around

I felt like I was on the voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nl0b2/i_farted_on_the_bus_today_and_four_people_turned/
%
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .

While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nkyvp/a_man_and_his_evernagging_wife_went_on_vacation/
%
When I was an infant I had a nanny that abused me

And im still pretty shaken up about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nkyha/when_i_was_an_infant_i_had_a_nanny_that_abused_me/
%
The new hooker just finished her first trick, when she came down the street, the seasoned veterans gathered around to hear the details.

She said "Well, he was a big muscular handsome
sailor."
"Well, what did he want you to do?", They all
asked.
She said, "I told im a straight lay would be $100,
but he didn't have that much."
Then she told him, "Oral sex would be $75, but he
didn't have that much either."
"Finally I asked him, well how much money do you
have?"
He only had $25.
The new hooker said, "Well, for $25 all I can do
is service you by hand."
He agreed and after getting the $ straight,
she said "He pulled it out and I put one hand on
it, and then a second hand above the first and
then the first hand above the second hand."
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "It must of been
huge, then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nky80/the_new_hooker_just_finished_her_first_trick_when/
%
Donald Trump is sure to win a second term.

There will be no Juan left to stop him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nku7y/donald_trump_is_sure_to_win_a_second_term/
%
A priest, a rabbi and penguin walk into a bar

IT'S THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nku2h/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_penguin_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Never trust an atom.

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nktov/never_trust_an_atom/
%
Why did they invent white chocolate?

So black kids could get messy too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nkqci/why_did_they_invent_white_chocolate/
%
A guy walks into a bar

orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nkpwa/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I visited my new girlfriend's parents for the first time.

"I hope we can find lots of things we have in common," her father told me.
"I know we already have one thing in common."
"What's that?" He asked.
"Your daughter calls us both Daddy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nkoob/i_visited_my_new_girlfriends_parents_for_the/
%
Why did Julius Caesar want to quit politics?

All that backstabbing was too much for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nkmg0/why_did_julius_caesar_want_to_quit_politics/
%
Someone asked my why I thought 'Planking' Died out...

I said because people became board with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nkm93/someone_asked_my_why_i_thought_planking_died_out/
%
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole.

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nklo0/a_boy_paid_a_girl_10_to_climb_a_flagpole/
%
I was walking through the mall and I saw a Muslim bookstore.

I was curious to what was actually in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I walked around I saw the salesman give me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me.
I knew I probably wasn't his usual clientele, so I asked "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?"
He replied "Kiss my ass! Get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes that's the one!! Do you have it in paperback?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nkk6d/i_was_walking_through_the_mall_and_i_saw_a_muslim/
%
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nkero/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
What's black and eats pussy?

Cervical Cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nkda7/whats_black_and_eats_pussy/
%
A blonde wants to prove to people that she’s not just a dumb blonde.

So she asks her friend, "How could I show people I'm smart?"
Her friend says, "Well- you could start by learning all the provinces and their capitals."
The blonde spends the whole week learning them. It’s hard, but she knows it will be worth it when people see how smart she is.
The next week she’s at a party and a man asks a question. Full of confidence, the blonde says, "I know the answer!"
The man is sceptical, but she says, "I'll have you know I'm not just a dumb blonde, I know all the provinces and their capitals."
He says, "Okay, what’s the capital of Saskatchewan?"
She grins and says, "Easy. S!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nk9of/a_blonde_wants_to_prove_to_people_that_shes_not/
%
My GPA is underwater

I Guess you could say it's below C-level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nk4f3/my_gpa_is_underwater/
%
A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.
She asks "What happened?"
"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.
The wife, even more surprised after hearing what happened, asked if everything is okay with his penis.
"Yes everything is fine with the penis", he replied.
"What about the potato cutter?", she asked.
A bit ashamed, he replied "she got fired as well"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nk2w0/a_man_goes_home_to_his_wife_after_being_fired/
%
- Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?

- I would take half of it and leave you.
- Ok, here's your $10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nk193/honey_what_would_you_do_if_i_won_the_lottery/
%
There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5njzec/there_should_be_a_millennial_edition_of_monopoly/
%
Chinese Torture

Dave was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.
"I'm lost," said Dave. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly, Dave, you can come in" the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man, and I won't care that you're Dave and that everyone knows you."
"OK," said Dave, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to Dave as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest.
Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," Dave thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic Dave glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5njwak/chinese_torture/
%
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo jokes died suddenly yesterday.

His wife is taking it really hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5njtv3/the_inventor_of_inappropriate_innuendo_jokes_died/
%
Went out for drinks with my tinder date...

She ordered the angel shot with lime :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5njr87/went_out_for_drinks_with_my_tinder_date/
%
I'm a Jack of all trades

But a master of pun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5njprp/im_a_jack_of_all_trades/
%
How many eggs does a French person eat in the morning?

One, because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5njo90/how_many_eggs_does_a_french_person_eat_in_the/
%
Did you hear about the prostitute who got fired for going on strike?

She just didn't give a fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5njng6/did_you_hear_about_the_prostitute_who_got_fired/
%
A plane takes off on the pilot announces on the loudspeaker....

"this is your captain John Smith, our destination is Bogotá, our flight time is estimated at five hours, blah blah blah..." he forgets to hang up the loudspeaker and  proceeds to tell his copilot "here take the controls while I go take a shit and then I'm going to fuck the new fine flight attendant."
Everyone on the plane is surprised and the flight attendant is desperately running towards the cabin to tell them to turn off the loudspeaker, when she slips and falling next to and old woman who tells her "dearie, don't be such a whore, he said he was going to take a shit first"
Pardon me, English is not my native language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5njlcx/a_plane_takes_off_on_the_pilot_announces_on_the/
%
What is 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy?

A $100 bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5njgy8/what_is_6_inches_long_2_inches_wide_and_drives/
%
A font walks into a bar...

The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve your type here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5njgm2/a_font_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My kid's bunny was hit by a car. (long)

My kid's bunny escaped when we left the door open and ran into the street.  It was struck by a car and died.   My poor kid was inconsolable when a man stopped his vehicle and jumped out.
"I can save it." he declared.
I thought he was a vet but all he did was pull out a bottle from his pocket, poured something on the bunny and stepped back.
Suddenly the rabbit jumped up, bounced a few steps and waved, them bounced a few more steps, and waved.  This went on as the rabbit bounced back into the house, waving as it went.
Astonished, I asked they guy what was in that bottle?  He showed me. It read:
"Hair restorer with permanent wave."
Don't hate me.
(Edit, added an s to truck. Thanks)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5njfd4/my_kids_bunny_was_hit_by_a_car_long/
%
Trump calls Angela Merkel's office...

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.
Trump: ”What’s the time difference between Washington and Berlin”?
Secretary: ”Just a second, Mr. President…”
Trump: ”Thanks”  <click>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5njaau/trump_calls_angela_merkels_office/
%
A man is driving down a country lane and wants to smoke a cigarette but doesn't have a light.

He sees a small pub and decides to go in and buy some matches.
Upon entering, the barman greets him with, "Hi. What can I get you?"
"That's very kind," replies the man. "I'll have a pint of cider."
The barman pours the cider and says, "That'll be £2.49."
"What?" asks the man. "I only came in to buy a box of matches, you offered to get me a drink."
The barman, accepting the ambiguity of his greeting, says, "Well, I guess I walked into that one. You can have that pint for nothing but don't ever come in here again."
The man agrees, finishes the pint, and leaves.
A few years later, he is driving down the same country lane and decides to stop in the pub and buy a drink.
He walks in and says to the barman, "I'll have a pint of cider, please."
"I don't think so," replies the barman. "The last time you were in here you swindled a free drink out of me and it won't happen again."
The man looks perplexed and answers, "I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about. This is the first time I've ever visited this pub."
"Really?" asks the barman. "Oh, in that case you must have a double."
"Thanks," replies the man. "Make it a whisky."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nj8xh/a_man_is_driving_down_a_country_lane_and_wants_to/
%
How did Donald Trump won with his poor vocabulary?

He's the only candidate that America finally understands..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nj6nb/how_did_donald_trump_won_with_his_poor_vocabulary/
%
Why do German shower faucets have 11 holes?

Jews only have 10 fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nj55r/why_do_german_shower_faucets_have_11_holes/
%
I really like being a trophy husband.

I just wish I wasn't a participation trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nj4bd/i_really_like_being_a_trophy_husband/
%
Why was 5 a good lover?

Because he waited 4 3 2 come 1st.
_____
Follow up:
Q: "Funny. But really, how good was the 6 4 5?"
A: "Just average, but the 6 was only a 5 4 3 2."
______
&nbsp;
^^^\( ^^^I  ^^^made ^^^this ^^^up ^^^give ^^^me ^^^a ^^^cookie. ^^^)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nj48m/why_was_5_a_good_lover/
%
Climate change is such a joke...

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nj2hz/climate_change_is_such_a_joke/
%
I was teaching my science class about the female anatomy:

"This is the vagina. This is the clitoris, and this is the anus. Any questions?"
"Yes," said one of the pupils, "Can I put my knickers back on now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nj17v/i_was_teaching_my_science_class_about_the_female/
%
Why did the hovering guitarist always look worried?

He was always fretting over something or other...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nj0dn/why_did_the_hovering_guitarist_always_look_worried/
%
What did the fruit say to the vegetable, at dinner?

Lettuce Pray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5niwbb/what_did_the_fruit_say_to_the_vegetable_at_dinner/
%
A guy walks into a whorehouse...

A guy walks into a whorehouse with $2 in his pocket.  The man in charge says well for two dollars there's a dead hooker upstairs, you can have your way with her for ten minutes.
Ten minutes later, the patron comes back downstairs and the man in charge asks him how it was.
"It was okay, but the only thing is her nose kept running."
"Ahhh," said the man in charge, "she must be full."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nivd8/a_guy_walks_into_a_whorehouse/
%
Where do you sent diluted Juice?

To the concentration camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5niv9y/where_do_you_sent_diluted_juice/
%
Not everything Donald Trump says is stupid.

The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nitsc/not_everything_donald_trump_says_is_stupid/
%
Every time you talk to your wife....

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nis5v/every_time_you_talk_to_your_wife/
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Leg Chat: What did the left leg say to the right leg?

Q: What did the left leg say to the right leg?
A: "That one in the middle thinks he's hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5niqm5/leg_chat_what_did_the_left_leg_say_to_the_right/
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AIRPLANE FASHION

A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a necklace with an airplane on it spotted a young man staring at her.
She asked him, "Were you admiring my airplane?"
He replied, "No, I was admiring the landing field."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nipd8/airplane_fashion/
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What's the best about dead childrens jokes?

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5niklm/whats_the_best_about_dead_childrens_jokes/
%
$100 BILL TATTOO

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nikhy/100_bill_tattoo/
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Breathing heavily, she asked me what I can give her.

Me: "I'll give you a hint, it starts with a D"
Her: "Oh yess, I can't wait!"
Me: "That's right, get ready for some disappointment!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nihrc/breathing_heavily_she_asked_me_what_i_can_give_her/
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Never ask an Arab chick for a blow job.

I did once in a previous life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5niglb/never_ask_an_arab_chick_for_a_blow_job/
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A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom

The teacher said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.'The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'
&nbsp;
He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.'
&nbsp;
He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.'
&nbsp;
He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'
&nbsp;
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nie6x/a_little_boy_asked_his_teacher_if_he_could_go_to/
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A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new.. We basically do the same job don't we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am - how do you explain that?"
The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied,"Try it with the engine running..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nidac/a_heart_surgeon_took_his_car_to_his_local_garage/
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I heard Donald Trump's apartment is made completely from marble.

Apart from the showers. Those are golden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nicvw/i_heard_donald_trumps_apartment_is_made/
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I ate five cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

Then, I easily had the biggest vowel movement ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nic6w/i_ate_five_cans_of_alphabet_soup_yesterday/
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My friend asked me if the new Star Wars movie was in 3D

I said yes, but they R2D2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ni2ju/my_friend_asked_me_if_the_new_star_wars_movie_was/
%
I like my women how I like my coffee

I don't like coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ni0ls/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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What do you call Donald trump with no money?

Not President

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhzo5/what_do_you_call_donald_trump_with_no_money/
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Why was Barbie never pregnant?

Because Ken came in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhwns/why_was_barbie_never_pregnant/
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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.

Then the librarian told me to take it out.
hehehehehe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhw1b/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
If you run in front of a car, you get tired.

If you run behind a car, you get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhv9v/if_you_run_in_front_of_a_car_you_get_tired/
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What did the prostitute catch when she went out with 5 fishermen?

... A big red snapper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhv7g/what_did_the_prostitute_catch_when_she_went_out/
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Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven.

God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."
God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"
He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen."
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"
Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."
God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"
Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhum9/obama_hillary_and_trump_are_standing_at_the/
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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. " "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'
"I don't remember much after that .."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhuj5/a_man_staggered_into_a_hospital_with_a_concussion/
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Two guys over a drink at the bar. Chump: You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."

Chucky: Let me give you an example. Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."
Chump: So where's the dilemma?"
Chucky: To whom do you turn your back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhuf8/two_guys_over_a_drink_at_the_bar_chump_you_know/
%
The secret to a good marriage is having sex at least 3 times a week.

And at least once with your wife!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhu74/the_secret_to_a_good_marriage_is_having_sex_at/
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What do you call it when a rabbit tactfully jumps in front of a line?

A nice hare cut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhtqe/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_rabbit_tactfully_jumps/
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It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced: "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a 100 pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhrs6/it_was_entertainment_night_at_the_senior_center/
%
Two atoms were hanging out...

One atom says to the other "I am about to lose an electron!"
The other atom asks "Are you sure?"
The first replies "I am positive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhrok/two_atoms_were_hanging_out/
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Difference between Romantic and Horror Movie

After watching a romantic one, you look for your teddy to hug.
After watching a horror one, your teddy starts looking at you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhrc7/difference_between_romantic_and_horror_movie/
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Two sex workers enter Trump's Russian hotel room.

Sex worker: "On a scale of one to 10, how would you rate us?"
Trump:  "Urinate"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhqvx/two_sex_workers_enter_trumps_russian_hotel_room/
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Why do they use liquid soap in the Navy?

Takes longer to pick up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhqnv/why_do_they_use_liquid_soap_in_the_navy/
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Why does Putin love Trump?

His dick looks bigger in his hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhppj/why_does_putin_love_trump/
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It's called an orgasm babe

Not an andgasm, I'll get you next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhow2/its_called_an_orgasm_babe/
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What did Donald Trump say to the moderately attractive Russian prostitute?

"You're an eight."
(say it fast)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhofx/what_did_donald_trump_say_to_the_moderately/
%
I was craving some root beer, so I poured it into a square cup.

Then, all I had was beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhmsa/i_was_craving_some_root_beer_so_i_poured_it_into/
%
How are girlfriend like cults?

You have to prove your devotion before you're welcomed into the folds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhmiw/how_are_girlfriend_like_cults/
%
How's Bud Light like having sex in a canoe?

They're both fucking pretty close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhk1a/hows_bud_light_like_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
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Guy walks into a bar and orders six shots.

Bartender: Is everything ok?
Gentleman: I just found out my oldest son is gay.
Bartender: Well, they are on me.
A week goes by and the gentleman shows back up.
Gentleman: I'll have six shots again.
Bartender: Whats up now ?
Gentleman: Just found out my youngest son is gay also.
Bartender: They are on the house then.
About a month goes by and the gentleman shows back up at the bar.
Gentleman: I'll have six shots of your strongest whiskey.
Bartender: Jesus pal, doesn't anyone in your house like pussy.
Gentleman: Yeah, My wife!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhjqf/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_six_shots/
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In just 24 hours, my level in English has increased dramatically.

I understood almost all words from the presidential press conference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhhiv/in_just_24_hours_my_level_in_english_has/
%
What's so green about Reddit?

Everything is recycled here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhh5i/whats_so_green_about_reddit/
%
How much do pirates charge for corn?

A buck an ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhes9/how_much_do_pirates_charge_for_corn/
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What does a duck always have behind him?

His buttquack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhem5/what_does_a_duck_always_have_behind_him/
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A horse walks into a bar.

A Horse walks into a bar.
The Bartender sees such a vivid depth of despair and ennui in the Horse's eyes, like the Horse has stared into the abyss and found the infinite void of nothingness so deep that the Horse could no longer believe that he himself nor anyone nor anything else existed.
To say something exists requires knowledge of self,
which requires knowledge of existence of the self, an obviously impossible leap of logic, absurd to even attempt to conceive or contemplate.
The Bartender, in that single instant within the Horse's mind,
became the nothingness the Horse perceived, and thus was rendered speechless. If neither the Horse, nor the Bartender,
nor the bar itself can be said to exist, then why should he ask,
how could he ask, "why the long face?"
The question can have no meaning, and that which has no meaning cannot be stated. The Bartender, dumbstruck, not by realization of mortality but by fundamental doubt that he was ever alive, gazes into the endless depth of the Horse's eyes,
and asks him, "Sir, I beg you say, do I exist?"
The Horse replies,
"Neighhhh..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhela/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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TIL Harriet Tubman wasn't a real person.

It was just what the slaves shouted to each other on the Underground Railroad, "Hurry it up, man!"
Credit: my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhdl2/til_harriet_tubman_wasnt_a_real_person/
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One night a woman undressed in front of her husband...

"what turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Asked the wife
The husband looked her up an down an said, "your sense of humor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhd7w/one_night_a_woman_undressed_in_front_of_her/
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What do you call a drill on the North Pole that just wants to get to know people?

An icebreaker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nhaoe/what_do_you_call_a_drill_on_the_north_pole_that/
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What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here, I'll go on ahead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nh92p/what_did_one_hat_say_to_the_other_hat/
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What do you call an Asian guy who is a member of ISIS?

RICE-IS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nh8gi/what_do_you_call_an_asian_guy_who_is_a_member_of/
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Which of the following does not belong: a) Gordon Lightfoot b) Helen Reddy c) Donald Trump d) Celine Dion

b) Helen Reddy is not associated with a sinking ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nh7aa/which_of_the_following_does_not_belong_a_gordon/
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A bear and a rabbit...

...happen to find themselves taking a shit beside each other in the woods. When the askwardness wears off, the bear strikes up a bit of conversation with the bunny. "Say," he says, "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No," says the rabbit.
"Great," says the bear, and picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nh6o1/a_bear_and_a_rabbit/
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Guy orders 11 shots at a bar

Bartender says "What are you celebrating?"
Guys says "My first blowjob"
Bartenders says "Congrats, but why 11 shots?"
Guys says "I figured by the 11th the taste would be out of my mouth. "
First dirty joke I told my parents when I was 8. The punishment was worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nh3pk/guy_orders_11_shots_at_a_bar/
%
What do you call 8 rabbits?

a rabbyte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nh281/what_do_you_call_8_rabbits/
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Where there's a Will...

There's a dead relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nh1st/where_theres_a_will/
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How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?

Somebody left the plunger in the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngzp6/how_did_helen_keller_lose_her_virginity/
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngzmz/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
%
A guy goes into a bar to celebrate his last night out before he gets married

He pulls up a stool and orders a hard drink right off the bat.
The bartender asks "What's the occasion?"
"Well, it's my last night out to do anything fun and crazy before I tie the knot"
"Congratulations! This ones on the house, I wish y'all the best of luck."
"Thanks man." He says as he downs the whole glass.
"So what kind of crazy stuff were you looking to do as your last night?"
"Honestly, the main thing I want is to get fucked. After tomorrow, sex will practically be a thing of the past."
The bartender asks "Are you sure about that?"
"Oh I'm positive. Last night as a bachelor, I gotta get fucked."
The bartender pours him another hard drink and steps aside to make a phone call.
He returns a few minutes later and gives the bachelor a small, torn piece of paper with an address on it.
"What's this?" He asks
"Go to this address. You'll find a metal door with a sliding peephole on it. Knock four times and when he answers, tell him what you want. He'll hook you up."
" Wow, are you serious?! Thanks, bud."
Overjoyed he polishes off a third drink and hurries to the address on the paper.
There's a metal door with a sliding peephole on it. He knocks four times and waits..
After a few moments the peephole slides open.
"What do you want?"
Excited, the bachelor answers "I'm looking to get fucked. I was told you could help me out."
The eyes through the door look him up and down and the says,
"Alright, slide a $20 under the door."
He does as he asks and waits.
A couple minutes go by, nothing.
Ten more minutes go buy, still nothing.
He knocks again.
The sliding peephole opens up again.
"What do you want?"
A little annoyed, he says,
"I'm trying to get fucked"
"What, again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngzge/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar_to_celebrate_his_last_night/
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(NSFW) Two Black Guys

...are walking down the street when they see a sign that says "Turn White for .99 cents" . They both reach in their pockets for loose change. One pulls out a dollar while the other pulls out .98 cents. The guy with the dollar says he will go in, get the procedure done, come out and give him the left over penny. So he walks in, 20 mins go by and out comes an amazingly looking white guy. His friend comes up to him and ask for the penny, to which he replied "Get a job nigger"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngy8t/nsfw_two_black_guys/
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What does a mechanic do during a 1 night stand?

He screws, nuts, and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngv64/what_does_a_mechanic_do_during_a_1_night_stand/
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What do you use to plan a haunted house?

Boo prints. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngu82/what_do_you_use_to_plan_a_haunted_house/
%
Why does Waldo wear stripes?

Because he didn't want to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngtpe/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
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What did Jay-Z call his wife-to-be?

Feyoncé.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngtlo/what_did_jayz_call_his_wifetobe/
%
A rich black man walks up to a homeless white man and says

"privileged fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngsjc/a_rich_black_man_walks_up_to_a_homeless_white_man/
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If Reddit starts sacrificing virgins...

I'll be screwed... *Then* I'll be okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngpk6/if_reddit_starts_sacrificing_virgins/
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A Mom is driving a little girl

...to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngjg1/a_mom_is_driving_a_little_girl/
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Did you know that Lil Wayne's parents were murdered right in front of him?

It was what inspired him to become the Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngilb/did_you_know_that_lil_waynes_parents_were/
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einstein's riddle

einstein needs to travel so he takes the plane, in the seat next to him a man looking bored is staring at the clouds, to entertain himself and make a bit of money he makes a deal with the man, einstein says with confidence : 'for every riddle you tell me that i cant answer i will give you 500 dollars, but if you cant answer mine you will have to give me 50 dollars' , the man  accepts the deal and asks to start first, enstein accepts, the man says:' what has 5 legs in the morning 6 in the afternoon and 9 in the evening , walks on water and flies in dirt?' einstein thinks and thinks and thinks but he cant find an answer so he just gives the man 500 dollars, he then asks:' so what is the answer to your riddle?', the other man gives einstein 50 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngfb3/einsteins_riddle/
%
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngeea/how_many_perverts_does_it_take_to_put_in_a_light/
%
People say Millennials are entitled...

but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ngalv/people_say_millennials_are_entitled/
%
Have you guys ever had Ethiopian food?

Neither have they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ng2qi/have_you_guys_ever_had_ethiopian_food/
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2 cigarretes

There was this crazy dude that was always around smoking 2 cigarettes at the same time.
One day, a man approached him and asked:
- hey, why do you smoke 2 cigarettes?
- Well, I smoke one for myself and the other one is for my brother, he is in prison... He can't smoke there...
After some time, the crazy dude was seen smoking  just one cigarette:
- So your brother was released from prison?
- No...I quitted smoking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ng0bd/2_cigarretes/
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They say that American beer is like having sex on a canoe.

It's fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfyry/they_say_that_american_beer_is_like_having_sex_on/
%
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfx3o/what_do_you_call_100_rabbits_walking_backwards/
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Whats the difference between New York and Middle Earth?

Two towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfx33/whats_the_difference_between_new_york_and_middle/
%
What do you call ten white folks on a bench?

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfwvf/what_do_you_call_ten_white_folks_on_a_bench/
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfuck/why_cant_donald_trump_be_a_lannister/
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Out on a blind date.

I told her, being funny is the 2nd best way to get a girl into bed. She said "What's the best way?" I said "A big knife" She laughed and said "You're funny" I said "wise choice"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfs0i/out_on_a_blind_date/
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Today I found out why a milking stool has 3 legs

Cuz the cow has the udder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfrj9/today_i_found_out_why_a_milking_stool_has_3_legs/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently not 3 because my basement is dark.
(Report (:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfrh0/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do you call 50 feminists on a bus?

Trick Question. You can't fit 50 feminists on a bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfrai/what_do_you_call_50_feminists_on_a_bus/
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What does a pirate get when he walks into a second-hand shop?

Disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfoqh/what_does_a_pirate_get_when_he_walks_into_a/
%
Don't make fun of fat people

They've enough on their plate as it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfmtp/dont_make_fun_of_fat_people/
%
How to get rid of a refrigerator.

A man has an old worn-out refrigerator. He decides to buy a replacement, but the fridge still works, and he doesn't have a truck to haul it away, so he moves it to the front yard and tapes a sign to it:
"STILL WORKS. FREE."
It sits out there for a week, so the man takes the sign off and puts a different one on:
"BRAND NEW. $500 OR BEST OFFER."
A day later, someone steals it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfmez/how_to_get_rid_of_a_refrigerator/
%
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.

Baa Dum Tss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfm25/a_lamb_a_drum_and_a_snake_fell_off_a_cliff/
%
5 year old: Mommy, do you know how long a tooth paste tube lasts?

Mother: No honey?
5 year old: 2 laps around the TV table, and one around the couch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nflji/5_year_old_mommy_do_you_know_how_long_a_tooth/
%
What's the fastest way to make money as a guitarist?

By selling your guitar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfip4/whats_the_fastest_way_to_make_money_as_a_guitarist/
%
Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

Because I'm not really a fan of the Indy 500

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfigf/is_it_wrong_to_hate_a_certain_race/
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(NSFW) Why did the condom fly across the room?

It was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfi1d/nsfw_why_did_the_condom_fly_across_the_room/
%
I used to be into S&M, bestiality and necrophilia

Then I realised I was just beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfhyj/i_used_to_be_into_sm_bestiality_and_necrophilia/
%
A talk between video game consoles...

NINTENDO: Do you remember when we were the video consoles all people wanted to have?
SEGA: I do.
ATARI: I have no memory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfdpx/a_talk_between_video_game_consoles/
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What's the difference between getting the girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car?

How pissed your wife gets when you explain the coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfclu/whats_the_difference_between_getting_the/
%
If you're afraid of elevators

Take steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfcj7/if_youre_afraid_of_elevators/
%
Amish woman and her daughter

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfaim/amish_woman_and_her_daughter/
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My wife said that I need to pay more attention to what's going on around me.

So, in 2015, I'm going to try harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfai1/my_wife_said_that_i_need_to_pay_more_attention_to/
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Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him.

So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nfa2o/chuck_norris_once_heard_nothing_can_kill_him/
%
Have you heard about Trumps revision of Obama phones?

You'll be able to trade them in for a alarm clock and job application.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nf9ti/have_you_heard_about_trumps_revision_of_obama/
%
I'm so proud of my African pen pal.

He told me he hasn't had a drink in days.  That's the spirit! Keep it up pal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nf8mm/im_so_proud_of_my_african_pen_pal/
%
A man took his dog to the vet...

A man took his dog to the vet. "Doctor" he said sadly "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail". The vet stepped back "Why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nf74n/a_man_took_his_dog_to_the_vet/
%
During a bank robbery

The robber asks the first person in line if they just saw how he robbed the bank.
"Well, obviously I did, I mean it's not that I'm blind or anything" the man says and BOOM the robber shoots him dead.
"And you, did you just witness this robbery?" he asks another man in the line.
"No, I didn't, but my wife here did!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nf4wl/during_a_bank_robbery/
%
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’
I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nf28c/my_teenage_daughter_came_home_in_a_rage/
%
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a $1.70 a packet and deer nuts are under a buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nf1np/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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There are 10 types of people in this world...

Those who understand binary
Those who don't
And those who weren't expecting a ternary joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nf1hk/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
what do you give to the god of shit?

Sacrifeces

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nf0n4/what_do_you_give_to_the_god_of_shit/
%
The Pope and Trump are on the same stage...

In Yankee stadium in front of a large crowd. The Pope turns to Trump and says, "do you know, that with one little wave of my hand of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Trump replies, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand? Show me."
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage and the whole crowd roared and cheered wildly, and there was joy throughout the land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5neujf/the_pope_and_trump_are_on_the_same_stage/
%
What do you get when yo cross sheep DNA with human DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5netoy/what_do_you_get_when_yo_cross_sheep_dna_with/
%
Someone has been spraying graffiti of what appears to be corporate ledgers all around my neighborhood.

And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls, and tenement halls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5net9i/someone_has_been_spraying_graffiti_of_what/
%
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

Trump wouldn't pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nesgn/whats_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a/
%
Mother Walks In On Her Daughter-In-Law. Then Responds With This.

A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.
She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asks.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in- law explains.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaims. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law anwers. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can't get enough of me!"
The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.
When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asks. "This is my love dress," she whispers sensually. "Needs ironing," he says. "What's for dinner?"
He never heard the gunshot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nerrs/mother_walks_in_on_her_daughterinlaw_then/
%
An $8 Bill

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change. The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5neoze/an_8_bill/
%
What's the difference between a laundry machine and a girl?

The washing machine doesn't get upset if I dump a load in it and never call back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5neng0/whats_the_difference_between_a_laundry_machine/
%
3 guys and one girl are stranded on a desert island.

After one week the girl is so ashamed of what she is doing that she kills herself.
After another week the guys are so ashamed of what they are doing that...they bury her.
Another week goes by and the guys are so ashamed of what they've been doing...so they dig her back up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nemj2/3_guys_and_one_girl_are_stranded_on_a_desert/
%
Did you know there's an Alzhimers epidemic?

I noticed it when I saw how many reposts make it to the front page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nem92/did_you_know_theres_an_alzhimers_epidemic/
%
You want to hear a paper pun?

It's tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5neloi/you_want_to_hear_a_paper_pun/
%
Why couldn't Miss Piggy give a speech at the Emmys?

She had a frog in her throat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nekq9/why_couldnt_miss_piggy_give_a_speech_at_the_emmys/
%
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nekgc/what_do_you_call_100_rabbits_walking_backwards/
%
Two Goldfish Are Sitting In A Tank

One turns to the other and says "I'll man the guns, you drive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5neka0/two_goldfish_are_sitting_in_a_tank/
%
"What's that in your bag?"

"A knife, a box of matchsticks, some petrol and a few sticks of dynamite"
"No, that other thing there"
"Oh, just a pack of wafers"
"I'm sorry you can't bring that into the theater"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nek5o/whats_that_in_your_bag/
%
A young woman walks up to the bartender, sits down and says:

"Batman, give me a tequila because I have a burning sensation in my heart"
The bartender gives the woman her request. Few minutes pass by, the woman goes to the bartender again:
"Batman, give me another tequila because I have a burning sensation in my heart."
The bartender, again, gives her the drink. Few minutes pass by, the woman goes to the bartender again, this time, a little drunk:
"Batman, give me another tequila because I have a burning sensation in my heart."
Bartender replies: "Here you go, but this is the last one" to which the woman yelled: "WHAT!? I told you, I have a burning sensation in my heart, I need more tequila batman!"
The bartender, annoyed for her actions, goes ahead and says: "Listen lady, first, I'm a barman not a batman, secondly, woman your age should not get drunk to the point you pass out, third, you do not have a burning sensation in your heart, you have your tit in the ashtray"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nej3u/a_young_woman_walks_up_to_the_bartender_sits_down/
%
When Midgets take drugs, they don't get high.

They get 'Medium'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nej11/when_midgets_take_drugs_they_dont_get_high/
%
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago

And so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nefr2/i_bought_a_vacuum_cleaner_six_months_ago/
%
I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nedcs/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_98/
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Flash was jogging trough His neighborhood when He noticed Wonder Woman naked and laying down with her legs wide open by the pool

He thought: I can go fuck Her really fast and She won't know what happened, and so He did it in less than 1 second.
Wonder Woman says after: What the fuck was that?
I don't know but it hurt my ass really bad said the invisible man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ne94b/flash_was_jogging_trough_his_neighborhood_when_he/
%
Why don't tennis players ever get married?

Because love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ne851/why_dont_tennis_players_ever_get_married/
%
Never try to understand women.

Women understand women and they hate each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ne5rq/never_try_to_understand_women/
%
When most people think about Russia they get pissed off...

... when Trump does he gets pissed on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ne4t7/when_most_people_think_about_russia_they_get/
%
A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

-Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.
-NO! - exclaims the boy.
The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.
-What did you tell him?
-I told him that if he didn't ate his broccoli, his dick wouldn't grow.
The woman then stands up and slaps the man as hard as she can.
-What was that for? - asks he confused.
-FOR NOT EATING YOUR FUCKING BROCCOLI WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ne3t6/a_boy_his_father_and_his_mother_are_having_dinner/
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I have a few jokes about unemployed people...

But it doesn't matter, none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ne337/i_have_a_few_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
I have a super secret baking recipe for bread

...Unfortunately it's on a knead to dough basis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ne2o1/i_have_a_super_secret_baking_recipe_for_bread/
%
Nixon: "I bet you can't run a more scandal-ridden presidency than me"

"Hold my beer"
"Sure.. Wait this isnt beer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ndz7j/nixon_i_bet_you_cant_run_a_more_scandalridden/
%
A British girl meets a guy...

And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it.
"Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a local football team. Oh dad, what do you think?"
Her dad looked at her with an odd expression and said "Oh honey...
... *he's a keeper*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ndwoj/a_british_girl_meets_a_guy/
%
Pay your dues on time...

Legend says that one of the Mogul King Akbar’s wives, Mariam, was a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Raja Todermal was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Raja Todermal revealed his secret desire to his intelligent colleague, Birbal. Birbal thought about this and said that he could arrange for Raja Todermal to more than satisfy his desire. But, it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Right away, Raja Todermal readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Birbal made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Birbal informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Raja Todermal would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Raja Todermal to their chambers. Birbal then slipped Raja Todermal the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth. For the next four hours, Raja Todermal worked passionately on the Queens ' large, magnificent breasts. The Queens ' itching was eventually relieved, and Raja Todermal left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Raja Todermal found Birbal asking his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Raja Todermal couldn't care less knowing that Birbal could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Birbal slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the Kings' underwear. The King immediately summoned Raja Todermal…
Moral of the story? Always Pay Your Dues AND dont frikkin ever act smarter than you actually are!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nduix/pay_your_dues_on_time/
%
A teacher calls her first grade class

from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ndt8p/a_teacher_calls_her_first_grade_class/
%
What did the Jewish paedophile say to the young boy?

Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ndqzc/what_did_the_jewish_paedophile_say_to_the_young/
%
A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse

. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ndqu7/a_jockey_is_about_to_enter_an_race_on_a_new_horse/
%
A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men’s room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament
suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies
room, but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked
"WW, WA, PP, and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in
disregarding the importance of what a woman
says, the man let his curiosity get the best of
him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked
"WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all
over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the
women really have it made!"
Still curious he pressed the button marked "WA"
and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his
hind quarters. He thought that was out of this
world! The Button marked "PP" yielded a large
powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc
to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist
the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and
buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried
out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I
remember is I was in the ladies room on a
business trip!"
The nurse replied, "Yes you were having a great
time until you pressed the "ATR" button which
stands for Automatic Tampon Remover...Your penis
is under your pillow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ndokp/a_man_traveling_by_plane_and_in_urgent_need_to/
%
I was asked who my favourite X-men was the other day...

Apparently Caitlyn Jenner was inappropriate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ndnoy/i_was_asked_who_my_favourite_xmen_was_the_other/
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What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ndmun/what_did_the_man_say_when_the_calculator_agreed/
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Trump got a sandwich named after him at his favorite deli.

Commander in Cheese Meltdown.
They put it on the kid's menu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ndkv6/trump_got_a_sandwich_named_after_him_at_his/
%
I can totally keep secrets!

It's the people I tell them to that can't!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ndjy9/i_can_totally_keep_secrets/
%
If 'womb' is pronounced as 'woom' and 'tomb, as' 'toom'

Shouldn't 'bomb' be pronounced 'boom'?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ndgu2/if_womb_is_pronounced_as_woom_and_tomb_as_toom/
%
What do you call an inexperienced Egyptian god?

Anoobis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ndfa1/what_do_you_call_an_inexperienced_egyptian_god/
%
How to become a The Fray fan in easy steps -

Step 1: You say, "We need to talk..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ndcme/how_to_become_a_the_fray_fan_in_easy_steps/
%
What was Hitler's favorite Yugioh card?

Blue Eyes White Person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ndagd/what_was_hitlers_favorite_yugioh_card/
%
A man was selling his TV

on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks
'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'
'yup'
'It looks brand new!'
'It is.'
'What's wrong with it?'
'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'
'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'
'yup'
'Wow, can't turn that down.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nda9a/a_man_was_selling_his_tv/
%
Woman finds out her husband is gay

Wife: YOU'RE GAY?! WTF. I'm going out!
Husband: Where are you going?!
Wife: I'm going to find a real man!
Husband: Well, don't forget to get me one too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nda7l/woman_finds_out_her_husband_is_gay/
%
The Honeymoon

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that!" she claims.
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that," again she claims.
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nd9u2/the_honeymoon/
%
When I was young I would go and throw rocks at the man doing Taekwondo in the park

I would always get a huge kick out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nd8dh/when_i_was_young_i_would_go_and_throw_rocks_at/
%
A skeleton walks into a bar

and says
"Bartender, I'll have a beer please . . . and a mop"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nd6vu/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Have you ever heard of Tupac?

You probably haven't, he's pretty underground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nd48r/have_you_ever_heard_of_tupac/
%
How do you castrate a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nd2gn/how_do_you_castrate_a_redneck/
%
When you have sex you burn 1000 calories.

No wonder you're so fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nd0m5/when_you_have_sex_you_burn_1000_calories/
%
[NSFW] Two brothers in a bunk-bed

There were two brothers sleeping on a bunk bed.
The older brother, on top, was having sex with his girlfriend, but they knew they had to be discreet about what they were doing, so as to not corrupt the younger brother.
The couple decide they will come up with code-words:
Lettuce = harder
Tomato = switch positions
Ham = faster
As they're having sex, the girl is yelling "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, ham!!"
After they're finished, the younger brother shouts up and says "you guys are sloppy sandwich makers, how did you get mayonnaise on me all the way down here?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ncu2u/nsfw_two_brothers_in_a_bunkbed/
%
The condemned prisoner stood before the firing squad.

The jail warden told him that as per custom, he was to be granted one final request, provided it was something straightforward and easily manageable.
The prisoner explained that he loved singing and requested to sing his favourite childhood song to completion.
The warden motioned to the firing squad to hold their fire until the song was completed.
The prisoner held his head up high and started to sing - "A billion bottles of beer on the wall, a billion bottles of beer..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ncno3/the_condemned_prisoner_stood_before_the_firing/
%
His First Blow Job

A teenage boy comes home excited and says, "Dad!  I just had my first blowjob!"
The father says, "That's great, son.  How was it?"
"Tasted awful."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ncn08/his_first_blow_job/
%
Start presentation with joke

My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke.
I attached payslip on the first slide...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ncmxz/start_presentation_with_joke/
%
Where does bad light end up?

In a prism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nclt9/where_does_bad_light_end_up/
%
What kind of bird is not allowed to get sick?

An ill eagle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ncl7h/what_kind_of_bird_is_not_allowed_to_get_sick/
%
The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Craig, did the police come?” “Yep.” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Sure did, Eric. Thanks!” “Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ncj5i/the_phone_rings_at_the_local_police_station_hello/
%
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance

so I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ncivo/i_was_at_an_atm_and_this_old_lady_asked_me_to/
%
Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."

Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."
Mother: "Yes, you do."
Victor: "Give me one good reason."
Mother: "Because you're 47 years old, and you're the principal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nci45/mother_come_on_victor_you_have_to_get_out_of_bed/
%
25 years married, and not a single argument

Recently in Bangalore a couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary...
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their 25 years of married life. Media gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their happy going marriage.
NDTV corespondent was very curious to know the secret and asked the husband:
"Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "
Husband: "We are a happy couple since marriage, thanks to our honeymoon trip to Shimla."
NDTV: "Sir, tell us about it so that all couples can also be happy like you."
Finally husband agreed to reveal the secret of the happy marriage.
"For our honeymoon" recalling his old honeymoon days husband said, "We had been to Shimla (a hill station). The day after we both went for a horse ride. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way that horse jumped up suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".
She again got on the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again was calm and said "This is your second time"
and continued.
When the horse dropped her a third time, she just took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"
That's it. We are happy ever after...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nccuz/25_years_married_and_not_a_single_argument/
%
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ncbfl/q_why_is_air_a_lot_like_sex/
%
Trump and Melania are in bed...

Melania says she wants to get a few new things for their house. Trump replies about what he'd like in return.. Melania replies "Donald, our shower is already golden"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ncaqa/trump_and_melania_are_in_bed/
%
Ever heard of the 68 position?

You go down on me now and I'll owe you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ncabi/ever_heard_of_the_68_position/
%
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said,

"Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc9su/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words_to_me/
%
A man was at his dentist when the dentist said

"This is going to hurt a little"
Man: "That's ok"
Dentist: "I've been fucking your bitch since last summer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc9mp/a_man_was_at_his_dentist_when_the_dentist_said/
%
At the liquor store:

"Hey, do you need help?"
"Yes, but I come here instead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc7xj/at_the_liquor_store/
%
How do you end beef with someone?

With the assistance of your friend, use a machete to chop the cow into pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc7kf/how_do_you_end_beef_with_someone/
%
A Jewish man named Moishe is on his deathbed

His wife of 60 years, Sarah, is there. He turns to her. "Sarah, we've had a long life together. Been through a lot, haven't we? You've always been there for me. When my shop burned down, you were there with me." She replies "I was, Moishe." He continues "and when the Nazis invaded our homeland and took us to a concentration camp, you were there." She nods silently. "And when my parents were killed in a car wreck, you were there." She nods again, patting his hand gently. "And when the furnace blew up our house, you were there. And when the insurance company scammed us, and our business went under, and I lost all my money, you were there." Moishe sighs, and Sarah asks what's wrong.
"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck, Sarah."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc6zf/a_jewish_man_named_moishe_is_on_his_deathbed/
%
What's the difference between girls and washing machines?

Washing machines don't follow you around after you drop a load in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc6y4/whats_the_difference_between_girls_and_washing/
%
It's never EVER a good idea to fart during a 69.

That's how they found me underneath their bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc6do/its_never_ever_a_good_idea_to_fart_during_a_69/
%
Wife told me she wants to have sex in the back of the car...

She asked me if I could drive :-(
Credit to Legend Rodney Dangerfield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc4y1/wife_told_me_she_wants_to_have_sex_in_the_back_of/
%
I was just scammed out of 25 dollars.

I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc4ni/i_was_just_scammed_out_of_25_dollars/
%
I asked my brother how long he could hold his breath underwater for.

I'm amazed. It's been three hours and he's still going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc4fu/i_asked_my_brother_how_long_he_could_hold_his/
%
What do you call Vladimir Putin when he's using the bathroom?

Vladimir Pupin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc4ba/what_do_you_call_vladimir_putin_when_hes_using/
%
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children.

Fair enough, use an ashtray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc495/british_scientists_have_demonstrated_that/
%
Former intelligence agent: "I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Ok please go on."
Former intelligence agent: "I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."
Buzzfeed journalist: "Oh really? So then, what happens next?"
Former intelligence agent: "What happens next will shock you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc3qe/former_intelligence_agent_i_have_potentially/
%
Vasectomy misunderstanding

She told me I mis heard the doctor, Apparently it doesn't stop your wife getting pregnant, just affects the colour of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc1l8/vasectomy_misunderstanding/
%
A concerned person is sick of all the corruption and injustice in the world and decides they want to expose it by becoming a journalist.

Only 3 weeks later they were caught trying to reveal corruption by some high ranking officials and were put to death.
You could say, they chose the wrong Korea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc0ok/a_concerned_person_is_sick_of_all_the_corruption/
%
How do you congratulate a Jewish bodybuilder?

Muscle Tov!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nc06u/how_do_you_congratulate_a_jewish_bodybuilder/
%
What do a German says when you show him a good meme?

Danke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nbxiu/what_do_a_german_says_when_you_show_him_a_good/
%
I can't figure women out...

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.
I spent $1,000 on lip job for her and she couldn't thank me enough.
I spent $50 on a blowjob for myself and she lost her shit! Women, I can't figure them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nbwzh/i_cant_figure_women_out/
%
My brother got kicked out of his house by his wife for measuring his penis.

For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nbwhk/my_brother_got_kicked_out_of_his_house_by_his/
%
TIL I have big fingers

or a small butthole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nbvk8/til_i_have_big_fingers/
%
So my doctor said I have 6 months

so I shot him and the judge gave me 15 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nbuoq/so_my_doctor_said_i_have_6_months/
%
Once there was a man with a little penis..

No girl would sleep with him and he just wanted to end his life, then his friend told him about a Sage who lived on the peak of Himalayas, that he had a mantra which could help him.
Without wasting time the man left for Himalayas. On his was up to the peak he found a huge boulder blocking the path.
He shouted "*Is anybody there?! Sage?! I need your help..*"
The Sage heard his voice and threw some kind of a rope, which the man used to climb up.He gave him an oil and a mantra, with some instructions.
Within a month the man's penis grew and he went back to thank the Sage.
He asked "*Sage, you have the oil and the mantra.. Why don't you use it on yourself?*
The sage replied "*What the fuck do you think you used to climb up the mountain!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nbr4z/once_there_was_a_man_with_a_little_penis/
%
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore...

...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nbq3d/my_friend_cant_afford_to_pay_his_water_bill/
%
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed

Needless to say, he was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nbmxt/a_prisoner_was_told_how_hell_be_executed/
%
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.

So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nbjlo/my_friend_said_he_knew_a_man_with_a_wooden_leg/
%
Apparently other than the russian ties, another interesting revelation was released about Trump.

He loves trickle-down economics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nbgas/apparently_other_than_the_russian_ties_another/
%
A professor tells dirty jokes and the women protest.

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nbfk6/a_professor_tells_dirty_jokes_and_the_women/
%
What's the difference between a guy falling from the 20th or the 1st floor of a building?

20th floor fall goes: *Aaaaaah, BAM!*
1st floor fall goes: *BAM, Aaaaah!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nbcwk/whats_the_difference_between_a_guy_falling_from/
%
I'm really disappointed after hearing about Trump and the golden shower thing.

I thought we had seen the end of  republican trickle down economics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nb9to/im_really_disappointed_after_hearing_about_trump/
%
Snake: *hissssssssss*

Feminist snake: \*herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nb98q/snake_hissssssssss/
%
My Uncle has a coal fetish.

Its why he likes to bang miners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nb933/my_uncle_has_a_coal_fetish/
%
A kid boards a flight for the first time in his life

Kid: What kind of flight is this mom?
Mom: Boeing
Kid: I'm boarding a Boeing, Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
Mom: Be silent you idiot
Kid: I'm oarding an oeing, oeing, oeing, oeing
P.S: Based on a true incident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nb8g4/a_kid_boards_a_flight_for_the_first_time_in_his/
%
It is near the end of time, and Heaven is getting full...

Three friends who die approach the gate to Heaven.
God: Only those who can answer my questions correctly may enter.
All three friends begin to feel anxious.
God: Who was the first man on Earth?
Friend 1: oh that's easy, Adam.
And so the gates opened and allowed him in.
God: who was the first woman on Earth?
Friend 2: oh that's easy, Eve.
And so the gates opened and allowed him in.
Friend 3 is now feeling more confident seeing as these questions were easy.
God: what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?
Friend 3: ooh... that's a hard one
And so the gates opened and allowed him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nb73i/it_is_near_the_end_of_time_and_heaven_is_getting/
%
On a scale of 1 to 10…

How would you rate binary code?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nb5w0/on_a_scale_of_1_to_10/
%
I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any 70's music…

At first I was afraid, oh I was petrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nb563/i_went_to_a_karaoke_bar_last_night_that_didnt/
%
How does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?

By eating a Brownie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nb3bj/how_does_a_cub_scout_become_a_boy_scout/
%
A husband and wife have four sons

The older three sons are blonde with light skin. The youngest is a brunette with darker skin.
The husband is laying on his deathbed. He turns to his wife and asks "honey, I need to know... is our youngest really my son?"
The wife responds: "yes dear, of course, I swear to god with all my heart!"
Reassured, the husband then passes away peacefully. The wife huffed a breath of relief and then muttered "thank god he didn't ask about the other three"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nb39f/a_husband_and_wife_have_four_sons/
%
What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?

The holocaust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nb283/whats_worse_than_finding_half_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
""When I die, I'd like you to lower the coffin into the grave...

... so you can let me down one last time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nb0op/when_i_die_id_like_you_to_lower_the_coffin_into/
%
What do politicians and diapers have in common?

Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reasons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5naxtq/what_do_politicians_and_diapers_have_in_common/
%
How do you count cows?

With a cowculator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5naxk9/how_do_you_count_cows/
%
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today

That's six years in a row now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nax3q/i_cant_believe_i_forgot_to_go_to_the_gym_today/
%
The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.
"It's an inside joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5naudc/the_pregnant_lady_sitting_across_from_me_laughed/
%
How is holstering a gun similar to talking with a feminist?

If you don't have a good trigger guard, there's a good chance you'll end up shooting yourself in the foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nark4/how_is_holstering_a_gun_similar_to_talking_with_a/
%
A Saudi prince recently requested that naked statues be covered up while visiting Rome.

Apparently his 9 year old wife found them offensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nak98/a_saudi_prince_recently_requested_that_naked/
%
On his 74th birthday

, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nak34/on_his_74th_birthday/
%
A Brunette and a Blonde are robbing the local town bank...

The brunette, as the getaway driver, grows increasingly nervous as the minutes pass by and eventually sees the blonde struggling to get out of the building. As the blonde gets through the doorway the brunette finds her pulling a rope she tied around a small safe. The blonde manages to get the safe to the car just as the security guard bursts through front doors with his pants around his ankles. The brunette takes off shouting at the blonde,  "Dammit! Dammit! I told you a thousand times! *Tie up the guard* then *blow the safe*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nadyr/a_brunette_and_a_blonde_are_robbing_the_local/
%
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5nadpr/in_the_middle_of_a_forest_there_was_a_hunter_who/
%
What do Roman Polanski and Bumblebee Tuna have in common?

They both come in little cans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5na93n/what_do_roman_polanski_and_bumblebee_tuna_have_in/
%
A man was held as a prisoner of war for several months

He was tortured for information, and every time he would refuse, they would slice off his extremities. They started with his fingers and when those were gone, they began to work on his feet.
When the camp he was at was raided and overtaken, he saw his old commander walk in, a flood of joy and relief washed over him as he was finally free from the suffering, finally able to go back home.
But as he met eyes with his commander, who looked down at him, then at his feet, he turned away and left him to die in the cell. The soldier saw his toe-less feet and his heart sank into his stomach. His commander was lack-toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5na679/a_man_was_held_as_a_prisoner_of_war_for_several/
%
Woman: "All men want from us is sex."

Man: "We like to eat too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5na38s/woman_all_men_want_from_us_is_sex/
%
Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans?

So people can read her lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5na2jk/why_does_helen_keller_wear_tight_jeans/
%
sad, but true and funny!

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5na2hn/sad_but_true_and_funny/
%
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.

It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n9wof/i_locked_my_keys_in_my_car_outside_of_an_abortion/
%
April showers bring May flowers

Mayflowers bring Small Pox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n9vhb/april_showers_bring_may_flowers/
%
Did you know that people who dislike calculus are typically racists?

They hate integration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n9u6w/did_you_know_that_people_who_dislike_calculus_are/
%
My friend told me a Holocaust joke

Anne Frankly I didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n9tm8/my_friend_told_me_a_holocaust_joke/
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Why was the frog taking the bus?

Because his car got toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n9tlu/why_was_the_frog_taking_the_bus/
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How has Gordon Ramsey come to have so many children??

FUCKING RAAAWWWW!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n9t6n/how_has_gordon_ramsey_come_to_have_so_many/
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Whenever I get the urge to run around naked, I stop and drink a bit of Windex

It prevents streaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n9rq3/whenever_i_get_the_urge_to_run_around_naked_i/
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A man catches his Jewish friend reading an anti-Semitic newspaper.

"Rabinowitz!" He says, "You're reading an anti-Semitic newspaper! How could you?"
"Oh, it's very simple," he replies. "At first I read Jewish newspapers, but they were so depressing! 'Everyone wants to exterminate the Jews!' 'Antisemitism and oppression all around!' So many problems, so much crying... I literally couldn't sleep!
"So now I read the anti-Semitic press, and guess what? It's so positive! 'The Jews rule the world'! 'They've taken everything'! 'They're the rich and they rule the world'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n9k8l/a_man_catches_his_jewish_friend_reading_an/
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Why do people make offensive jokes about inbreeding?

It's retarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n9h40/why_do_people_make_offensive_jokes_about/
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the head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..

the brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.
the brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.
the brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.
"a Diet Coke?!," exclaim the others.. "don't you drink Guinness?"
"well shit no one else was having beer I didn't want to be the only one," he complained.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n9gvm/the_head_brewmasters_of_budweiser_miller_and/
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I just broke up with my girlfriend.

It's okay though she said we could still be cousins!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n9elb/i_just_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend/
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I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n9dvb/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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If you think I'm too private...

then you clearly don't know me at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n97vd/if_you_think_im_too_private/
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What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein?

No Whey José.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n97o2/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_bodybuilder_who_runs/
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Who was Moby Dick's father?

Poppa Boner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n96s9/who_was_moby_dicks_father/
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I was doing well before I started volunteering at the soup kitchen;

now I'm doing good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n94nf/i_was_doing_well_before_i_started_volunteering_at/
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What do you call a Mexican that's in the rebellion?

A Rogue Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n90kl/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_thats_in_the_rebellion/
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A Doctor says to his Patient...

A Doctor says to his Patient, "I am unhappy to inform you that you have Cancer and Alzheimer's." The Patient then replies with a happy face, "At least I don't have Cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n90b2/a_doctor_says_to_his_patient/
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The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits!. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n8yyd/the_head_nun_tells_the_two_new_nuns_that_they/
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A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.
An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.
The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean”
The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK”
The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much.
So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand.
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n8yk9/a_male_patient_just_recovered_successfully_from_a/
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What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

boeing boeing boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n8xmz/what_sound_does_a_747_make_when_it_bounces/
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There was a murder last night...

The victim had been brutally mutilated, missing the entire right side of his body.
When the police finally arrived at the scene, they were only able to find what was left of him.
(didn't think this was enough to constitute a NSFW tag, if so oops)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n8wub/there_was_a_murder_last_night/
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n8w3o/a_psychiatrist_was_conducting_a_group_therapy/
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First I dated a seventh day adventist and then a mormon

I told my mom that im not just in it for the sects but she doesn't believe me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n8u1l/first_i_dated_a_seventh_day_adventist_and_then_a/
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An Amish boy and his father went to a mall...

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out.
The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n8q7d/an_amish_boy_and_his_father_went_to_a_mall/
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People actually care about you!

Just try missing a couple of payments, you'll see!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n8poq/people_actually_care_about_you/
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My girlfriend tried to tell me an abuse joke

But I beat her to the punch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n8k39/my_girlfriend_tried_to_tell_me_an_abuse_joke/
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An old man dies and reaches the gates of heaven. He is quite confused and doesn't remember things too well.

St Peter asks him the routine questions, but doesn't get anywhere. So he tells him "Never mind, I'll take you to the boss" and brings him to Jesus.
Jesus starts asking questions. "Hello old man. Do you remember your name?" The old man replies "No... not really... something that starts with J... I remember that people didn't call me by my real name..."
"Mmmm... what did you do for a living? You must remember that, you did it every day!"
"Oh sure, I remember well, I was a carpenter. And a good one! I remember when my son..."
"Wait, you had a son? What do you remember about your family? About your wife?"
"Well it's all a bit confused... there was a woman, she loved the boy and looked after him... but she wasn't quite the mother... or was it me who wasn't really the father? Sorry, I don't remember..."
"And this son, what do remember about him?"
"Well, he was very independent, always getting into trouble. They even wrote books about him. He was quite striking, with the nails through his hands and ..."
At this point Jesus can't contain himself any longer, he stands up and shouts "DAD!"
At which the old man starts running towards him, shouting "Pinocchio!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n8jhy/an_old_man_dies_and_reaches_the_gates_of_heaven/
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If body builders religiously try to gain weight..

Does that mean they go to the gym for mass?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n8h8c/if_body_builders_religiously_try_to_gain_weight/
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Personal space is a concept I did not understand in Kindergarten

I guess that's why they fired me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n8gzr/personal_space_is_a_concept_i_did_not_understand/
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Why is the ocean salty?

Because land doesn't wave back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n8e7k/why_is_the_ocean_salty/
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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she
didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so
she asked her husband to run down to the beach
with the bucket she was handing him to gather
some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket,
walked out the door, down the steps, and out to
the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he
noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside
the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great
if she would even just come down and talk to me.'
He went back to gathering the snails. All of a
sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was
standing right over him. They got to talking, and
she invited him back to her place. They were at
her apartment a ways down the beach, and they
started messing around. It got so hot and heavy,
that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out
there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and
exclaimed, 'Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!'
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real
fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his
apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment.
He was in such a hurry that when he got to the
top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of
snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife
standing in the door way wondering where he's
been all this time. He looked at the snails all
down the steps, then he looked at her, then back
at the snails and said: 'Come on guys, we're
almost there!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n8c7g/a_wife_and_her_husband_were_having_a_dinner_party/
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I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n86ha/i_once_stayed_up_all_night_trying_to_figure_out/
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Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n84hj/patient_oh_doctor_im_just_so_nervous_this_is_my/
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People call me ugly until they see my wallet

Then they call me poor, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n81i3/people_call_me_ugly_until_they_see_my_wallet/
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My wife would always nag me to do the gardening..

Eventually I had to put that hoe in the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7z4s/my_wife_would_always_nag_me_to_do_the_gardening/
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Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?!

The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7vb0/did_you_hear_about_the_chocolate_bar_burglar/
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I read an article about the dangers of heavy drinking the other day, and it really scared me! So that's it...

Starting today, no more reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7uew/i_read_an_article_about_the_dangers_of_heavy/
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I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket

"Hey son, how far do you think I can kick this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7tnu/ill_never_forget_my_dads_last_words_before_he/
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If a Clown attacks you...

Go for the Juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7sdm/if_a_clown_attacks_you/
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Dont spell sense backwards

It does'nt make sense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7s6n/dont_spell_sense_backwards/
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If men have man caves, why dont women have woman caves?

They do, we just universally named it the kitchen many years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7ppz/if_men_have_man_caves_why_dont_women_have_woman/
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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by....

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."
Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more”. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his fucking wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7ntu/a_man_walks_out_to_the_street_and_catches_a_taxi/
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The relationship between a man and a woman is psychological.

She's a psycho and he's logical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7lz5/the_relationship_between_a_man_and_a_woman_is/
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If 157 awards makes you an overrated actress, what does 6 bankruptcies make a businessman?

President of the United States

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7khm/if_157_awards_makes_you_an_overrated_actress_what/
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A woman goes to the doctor complaining that her sex life is not satisfactory.

The doctor asks her how many times does she do it with her husband. The woman says 'once a day but it ain't enough'. The doctor says 'well, have you thought about having a boyfriend on the side'? The woman says 'yes in fact I have and I fuck him once a day as well'. The doctor is shocked and says 'oh really, what else are you hiding'? The woman says 'well, I have been cheating on my boyfriend with another boyfriend. I fuck him once a day too'. The doctor is shocked and says 'well, well, well. Let me just say this. I really think you are sick'. The woman replies 'oh thank heaven for that. Could you please write that down formally so I can show it to my mother-in-law. She keeps saying I am a whore'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7je4/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_complaining_that_her/
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A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone.
"Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7iab/a_horse_is_sitting_at_home_watching_mtv/
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A warning to all you drivers around the holiday season...

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7htz/a_warning_to_all_you_drivers_around_the_holiday/
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If you miss a day in cosmetology school...

Do you have to do a make-up test?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7ho8/if_you_miss_a_day_in_cosmetology_school/
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Why don't dairy farmers wear flip flops?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7g2m/why_dont_dairy_farmers_wear_flip_flops/
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What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises...............

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7f82/what_happens_when_batman_sees_catwoman/
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Him: Damn, girl, are you a math textbook?

Her: No, why?
Him: 'Cause you have a lot of fuckin' problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7dv8/him_damn_girl_are_you_a_math_textbook/
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What got the apple into skydiving?

Pear pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7ci7/what_got_the_apple_into_skydiving/
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Do you want to know that people care whether you're alive?

Try missing a couple of payments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7ayo/do_you_want_to_know_that_people_care_whether/
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So, a happy Muslim on an empty stomach enters a gay bar.............

Bartender asks, "What will it be!?"
The Muslim replies, "Shots for everyone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n7apx/so_a_happy_muslim_on_an_empty_stomach_enters_a/
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Where did the poor Italian man grow up?

The spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n77az/where_did_the_poor_italian_man_grow_up/
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The President-Elect has recently begun learning how to play bridge with the help of master bridge players. it turns out, the President-Elect's plays are far superior to those of his peers. In other words...

Trump's trumps trump Trump's trumps' trumps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n771o/the_presidentelect_has_recently_begun_learning/
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I was having sex with a girl the other day, I was getting tired so I asked her to go on top...

She replied "you haven't raped anyone before have you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n76n9/i_was_having_sex_with_a_girl_the_other_day_i_was/
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A doctor and a lawyer collide in traffic

During the afternoon commute, a doctor and a lawyer collide, and go hurtling off the road into the ditch.  Both emerge unhurt but badly shaken up.
The lawyer says, "Are you okay?"
The badly rattled doctor replies, "Yes, I think so.  I'm a doctor & I can tell nothing's broken."
The lawyer pulls out a hip flask and offers it to the doctor.  "You look like death warmed over; have a swig of this to steady your nerves."
"Thanks," says the doctor, who takes a big drink, and hands it back.
The lawyer puts it away, and continues staring and dry heaving with panic.  The doctor asks, "Well?  Aren't you going to have any?"
"You bet," says the lawyer. "Just as soon as the police leave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n76kr/a_doctor_and_a_lawyer_collide_in_traffic/
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The ladder to success

A man drunkly stumbles out of a bar and on the way to his car, encounters a ladder reaching up to the clouds.  There is a voice coming from high up in the clouds, “climb the ladder to success”.  The man looks up and starts climbing.  After reaching a low floating cloud, he sees a woman, she has warts all over her face and yellow teeth.  “Fugly” exclaimed the man.  The woman says “Have sex with me right here or climb the ladder to success”.  “No thanks you dirty witch” yells the man as he starts climbing the ladder to the next cloud.  On the next cloud, he sees an older woman, a bit on the chubby side who again says “have sex with me right here or climb the ladder to success”.  Again, the man is not attracted to her at all and starts climbing.  The next cloud has a beautiful young woman; real bosomy she was and had bodacious rear end.  The man instantly feels his lil woody chirping at the first sight of her.  “Oh boy” the man says as the woman asks him “Have sex with me right here or climb the ladder to success”.  Naturally the man wonders what else could be on the next cloud.  This woman was so beautiful he had to find out what was on the next could because who knows what boner inducing lady was up there? He starts to climb excitedly. The wide-eyed man makes his way to the next cloud and to his surprise he a hideous fat old man who says to him … “hi I’m cess”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n72en/the_ladder_to_success/
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A Girl called me Daddy last night...

So I told her I was going out to buy cigarettes and never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6zjt/a_girl_called_me_daddy_last_night/
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I asked my Chinese girlfriend for a 69 last night.

She said 'Fuck off, I'm not cooking at this time of night'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6vif/i_asked_my_chinese_girlfriend_for_a_69_last_night/
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A guy is going home after a round of golf.

He's a bit late and is met at the door by his wife.
"Where the fuck have you been?!" she screams.
"Well, I was out playing golf and I met up with Fred from the office. We decided to finish the game together, but wouldn't you know, he has a heart attack on the 10th hole!"
"That must have been terrible!" the wife says.
"Yeah. For 8 more holes it was: hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6v3b/a_guy_is_going_home_after_a_round_of_golf/
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Did you hear about the Holy Cow?

Some say he was legend-dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6sz3/did_you_hear_about_the_holy_cow/
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Ad on a newspaper with 3 conditioned posted by a woman looking for a husband.

1st condition: Should not spend all day and night out with friends.
2nd Condition: Should not abuse her physically.
3rd Condition: Must be very good in bed.
Next a day an amputated man with no arms and legs shows up and rings the bell, saying, "I don't have arms to beat you and I don't have legs to leave the house"
The woman being astonished asked him “How did you ring the bell???”
Man: The same reason I know I’m good in bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6rvu/ad_on_a_newspaper_with_3_conditioned_posted_by_a/
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What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6rdw/what_starts_with_e_ends_with_e_and_has_only_1/
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What's Mary short for?

She's got little legs, I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6qs9/whats_mary_short_for/
%
What do you call people who don't repost jokes?

liars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6ofo/what_do_you_call_people_who_dont_repost_jokes/
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What does the word 'gay' mean?

asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6nom/what_does_the_word_gay_mean/
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What does a Walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6nfs/what_does_a_walrus_and_tupperware_have_in_common/
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Four men are talking in a bar.

One of them goes to the toilet.
The other three men start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Man 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Man 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet.
Man 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle.
Man 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys.
Man 4: Hey guys what are you talking about?
Man 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are.
Man 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper.
Man 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life.
Man 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three best clients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6kle/four_men_are_talking_in_a_bar/
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DO NOT talk about molestation

It's a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6fyk/do_not_talk_about_molestation/
%
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink

so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6fk9/a_math_professor_john_is_having_problems_with_his/
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Dave was trying to figure out what he would get his wife for her birthday...

Tired of racking his brain, he flat out asked her what she wanted. She replied "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds." So he bought her a bathroom scale.
Dave hasn't been heard from or seen since Thursday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6er6/dave_was_trying_to_figure_out_what_he_would_get/
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Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6ef7/why_are_orphans_so_bad_at_baseball/
%
A drunk walks into a bar

orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"
"Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6e9d/a_drunk_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two men walk into a bar

one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."
The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."
The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.
The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.
"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"
"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n6avm/two_men_walk_into_a_bar/
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Fifteen years ago I asked my high school crush out on a date, yesterday I asked her to marry me...

... She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n637q/fifteen_years_ago_i_asked_my_high_school_crush/
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I tried to date this super-patriotic Chinese girl. She came to the first date wearing a custom cape.

It was a huge red flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n634i/i_tried_to_date_this_superpatriotic_chinese_girl/
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There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n600d/there_were_three_medieval_kingdoms_on_the_shores/
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TIL Humans eat more carrots than rabbits

I can't remember the last time I ate a rabbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5zm7/til_humans_eat_more_carrots_than_rabbits/
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The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters

So Trump can't tweet it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5zam/the_pentagon_is_changing_the_nuclear_codes_to/
%
There was a woman with 100 children.

She lacked the creativity to name all of them so she just names them 1-100. 99 of the kids die. The only survivor is the kid named 90. 90 grows up and has kids of her own. One day, the kids find a stray dog. 90 did not want them to keep it. The kids decide to keep the dog secretly. They name the dog "this" so that they can say things like "Let's take this outside" without 90 finding out. One day, this suddenly dies in a car accident.
Only 90's kids remember this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5za4/there_was_a_woman_with_100_children/
%
There is a plane with a Pilot, a Lawyer, a Priest and a Kid

The plane is going down fast but there are only three parachutes. so the pilot says "I have a family and a daughter that are expecting me" he grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane. The lawyer says "well I'm the smartest man on earth so I have to live" he grabs a parachute and jumps off. Now there is only one parachute left and the Priest tells the kid "Kid, take the last one, I have lived my life" The boy looks around the plane and says "We can both live" the priest says "how can that be?", the boy says "because the smartest man in the world just jumped off with my backpack"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5xqk/there_is_a_plane_with_a_pilot_a_lawyer_a_priest/
%
What's different between Trump and the Lannisters?

A Lannister always pays his debts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5xk8/whats_different_between_trump_and_the_lannisters/
%
How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs. 2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5wti/how_to_win_the_war_on_drugs/
%
I was in bed last night with my wife

. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse."
I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5w5b/i_was_in_bed_last_night_with_my_wife/
%
I was walking behind a girl late at night

I open silently the bottle of chloroform so she doesn't freak out.
I put out my tissue,
put chloroform on it,
*sneezing*
clean my nose,
and pass out
I'm not a smart man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5te3/i_was_walking_behind_a_girl_late_at_night/
%
Kid, are you a nuclear reactor?

Because you're having a meltdown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5st5/kid_are_you_a_nuclear_reactor/
%
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5ssm/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_michael/
%
Why don't golddiggers eat fruit?

An apple a day keeps the doctors away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5rqb/why_dont_golddiggers_eat_fruit/
%
Have you guys heard of the film Constipated?

It was shit and it never came out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5ros/have_you_guys_heard_of_the_film_constipated/
%
What was the ancient punishment for smoking fatal levels of weed?

You would be stoned to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5lp3/what_was_the_ancient_punishment_for_smoking_fatal/
%
What kind of a joke does a black person not get?

Dadjokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5j6q/what_kind_of_a_joke_does_a_black_person_not_get/
%
Daughter asks her father if she is showing too much cleavage.

Father replies:"If you don't have chest hair, then yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5j1s/daughter_asks_her_father_if_she_is_showing_too/
%
Whats the difference between an arts degree and a large pizza

A large pizza can feed a family of 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5h8z/whats_the_difference_between_an_arts_degree_and_a/
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A Unit With a Reputation

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides he needs to go and check them out. After reviewing the troops on parade he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren’t at parade.
The general gets to the first soldier and barks at him “Why are you here?”
“Hemorrhoid’s Sir!”
“And how are you treating it?”
“Wire brush and disinfectant Sir!”
“And what’s your goal in life soldier?”
“To kill the enemy Sir!”
The general is pleased with this answer and moves onto the next soldier. “Why are you here?”
“Genital warts Sir!”
“And how are you treating it?”
“Wire brush and disinfectant Sir!”
“And what’s your goal in life soldier?”
“To kill the enemy Sir!”
Once again the general is pleased and moves on to the last soldier. “And why are you here?”
“Gingivitis Sir!”
“And how are you treating it?”
“Wire brush and disinfectant Sir!”
“And what’s your goal in life soldier?”
“To get the wire brush before the other two Sir!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5gpk/a_unit_with_a_reputation/
%
The only people that get more concussions than NFL players...

...Are their wives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5fvq/the_only_people_that_get_more_concussions_than/
%
What is a cows favorite shade of red!

Mooroon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5dvm/what_is_a_cows_favorite_shade_of_red/
%
Rare elements

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium(Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5cs0/rare_elements/
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My therapist gave me a pamphlet on anger management

I lost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n5am7/my_therapist_gave_me_a_pamphlet_on_anger/
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Two guys were walking down the street

Suddenly, A car comes outta nowhere and runs them over.
One of them died, and the other guy survived, so he gets up and starts complaining to the car's driver.
"What's wrong with you? learn to drive a car jackass"
the driver says "What are you complaining about? your friend here died and he's not saying a word"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n58gk/two_guys_were_walking_down_the_street/
%
Why do women never ski?

Because it doesn't snow in the kitchen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n54mf/why_do_women_never_ski/
%
Are there any lonely people out there?

I'm just asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n50v1/are_there_any_lonely_people_out_there/
%
What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a dwarf?

A creature that sucks blood from your knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n4zn0/what_would_you_get_if_you_crossed_a_vampire_with/
%
I don't always roll a joint...

...but when I do, it's an ankle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n4yiq/i_dont_always_roll_a_joint/
%
Bad advice to a suicidal person

Hang in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n4wkw/bad_advice_to_a_suicidal_person/
%
Someone broke a hole in the nudist colony's fence.

Police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n4thn/someone_broke_a_hole_in_the_nudist_colonys_fence/
%
School is like a boner...

It's long and hard unless you're Asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n4rxm/school_is_like_a_boner/
%
Q: What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

A: They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n4p9r/q_what_do_a_bungee_jump_and_a_hooker_have_in/
%
I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book...

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost me a fortune in stamps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n4nb7/i_accidentally_sent_a_naked_picture_of_myself_to/
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What's the difference between a reliable employee and an angry boxer?

One is punctual, the other will punch you all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n4n5y/whats_the_difference_between_a_reliable_employee/
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I wouldn't be caught dead with a

Necropheliac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n4ku0/i_wouldnt_be_caught_dead_with_a/
%
Knock Knock

Who's there?
Allah
Allah who?
Allah hu Akbar!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n4kij/knock_knock/
%
Are you today's date?

Because you're 1/10, bye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n4i99/are_you_todays_date/
%
I have some good news....

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Patient: Give me the bad.
Dr: We have to amputate both of your legs.
Patient: shock! The good?
Dr: The man in the other room wants to buy your shoes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n4hwe/i_have_some_good_news/
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Don't spell part backwards

It's a trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n4e92/dont_spell_part_backwards/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks.

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n49h1/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
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What does an older woman have between her breast that a younger one doesnt?

Her belly button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n47pt/what_does_an_older_woman_have_between_her_breast/
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Northernlion's birth

When NL was being born, the doctor grabbed him, but NL was so slippery that the doctor dropped him to the floor. To the doctor's and his mother's surprise, NL did not cry. Instead, he sighed deeply and said:
"Dumb damage"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n479c/northernlions_birth/
%
Police Inspector........

Police Inspector: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?
Husband: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n447t/police_inspector/
%
A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail.

A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail beside a stream when they stop to piss. Afterwards the human takes out some soap and cleans his hands "cleanliness is next to godliness," he says to the others. The elf takes some leaves off a nearby tree and wipes his hands with them "we elves have learned to use what nature provides for us". Meanwhile the dwarf pulls up his pants and begins down the trail and calls back "And our ancestors taught us dwarves not to piss on our hands".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n42pj/a_dwarf_a_human_and_an_elf_are_walking_down_a/
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RENT FOR APARTMENT [LONG]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
&nbsp;
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
1 - it had been previously occupied,
2 - there wasn't any heat, and
3 - it was entirely too large.'
&nbsp;
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n41gn/rent_for_apartment_long/
%
So a guy goes to the doctor to get a physical and the doctor says, "Holy shit you have five penises, how do your pants fit?"

The guy replies, "Like a glove."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3wmj/so_a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_to_get_a_physical_and/
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A guy walks into a candy store and tells a semi-funny joke...

everybody Snickers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3wie/a_guy_walks_into_a_candy_store_and_tells_a/
%
[Racist] If I had a dollar for every time I made a racist joke,

A black dude would probably steal it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3v7m/racist_if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_made_a/
%
The bus driver

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3v7f/the_bus_driver/
%
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew?

Harry Potter made it out the chamber alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3uz2/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_a/
%
I'm drinking some pretty average tea...

It's Mediocritea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3rjm/im_drinking_some_pretty_average_tea/
%
I bought a fan today...

It blows,  man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3p8s/i_bought_a_fan_today/
%
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.

It's something I could really see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3lpz/i_think_i_want_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
%
I don't have any white friends, so I guess you could call me...

crackalackin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3lfp/i_dont_have_any_white_friends_so_i_guess_you/
%
I brought weed and poker chips to my family reunion last week.

Apparently I missed the memo on what a "potluck dinner" was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3kz6/i_brought_weed_and_poker_chips_to_my_family/
%
What falls down faster from a tree, a leaf or an emo?

A leaf. The rope catches the emo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3kl8/what_falls_down_faster_from_a_tree_a_leaf_or_an/
%
Last year my father had a major stroke.

I walked into his room and was mortified as I saw him froth and violently convulse. His personality changed dramatically, he was never the same after being caught masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3h6u/last_year_my_father_had_a_major_stroke/
%
one night a man is driving down the road

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3foc/one_night_a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
%
Why don't blondes water ski?

They can't find a lake with a slope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3f0r/why_dont_blondes_water_ski/
%
Some people think that killing animals with helium is wrong...

I don’t judge…
Whatever floats your goat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3dpq/some_people_think_that_killing_animals_with/
%
I'm not sexist...

being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n39cq/im_not_sexist/
%
A father Is lounging in his study..

When one of his daughters walks in and asks "Daddy.. why is my name Rose?" The father replys "Because when you were born, we dropped a rose petal on your face." The second daughter barges in and asks "Daddy why Is my name Daisy?" The father replys "Because when you were born, we dropped a daisy petal on your face." The third daughter stumbles through the door and exclaims "DUR HERM DER BAHRRRR!?!?!" The father jumps out of his chair and yells "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n38j3/a_father_is_lounging_in_his_study/
%
What do you call a singing computer?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n3839/what_do_you_call_a_singing_computer/
%
I hate how sometimes I let my guard down

and then all my inmates get away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n35yd/i_hate_how_sometimes_i_let_my_guard_down/
%
When my wife starts ...

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n33qr/when_my_wife_starts/
%
A PS4 fan and an Xbox One fan started fighting! Someone call the ambulance!

*Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U﻿*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n32nf/a_ps4_fan_and_an_xbox_one_fan_started_fighting/
%
A young boy and his dad go on a walk together...

They end up passing by a yard where there are two dogs having sex.
The boy says, "Daddy, what are the dogs doing?"
The dad, not really wanting to explain the situation, replies, "Uh, they're making puppies."
The boy accepts it and they continue their walk.
Later that evening, the boy has a bad dream and walks into his parents' room to see his father behind his mother who is bent over the bed.
He says, "Daddy, what are you doing to mommy?"
Again, not really wanting to explain the situation, the dad replies, "Um, we're making you a baby brother."
The boy wrinkles his face and pouts, "Well bend her over. I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2zl9/a_young_boy_and_his_dad_go_on_a_walk_together/
%
New secretary

Frank and Harry have been business partners for many years. They had just employed a new secretary and Frank had taken her out.
"How was it?" inquired Harry.
"Fantastic! And i don't mind saying, that she's far better in the cot than my wife."
A couple of weeks later, Harry took the secretary out, and the following morning, he said, "You're right Frank, she is better than your wife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2yqg/new_secretary/
%
911, what's your emergency?

"I'm masturbating too much."
Sir that's not really a problem.
"One sec. HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2xo1/911_whats_your_emergency/
%
A senior in high school decides to have his girlfriend over one night for a good time..

His younger brother sleeps on the bottom bunk. The older brother says to his girlfriend, every time you want me to go faster say tomatoes, whenever you want me to change position say lettuce, whenever you want me to go deeper say bread.
They wait until the little brother falls asleep, then begin. "Lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, bread, lettuce..."
The little brother yells, "hey quit making sandwiches up there you're getting mayonnaise all over me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2wmh/a_senior_in_high_school_decides_to_have_his/
%
An atheist, a Crossfitter, and a vegan walk into a bar.

I know because they posted it repeatedly on Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2vlu/an_atheist_a_crossfitter_and_a_vegan_walk_into_a/
%
A man walks into the doctor's office...

Doctor: "Thanks for meeting with me, James. I've run some tests and it's not looking good."
James: "Oh."
Doctor: "You're on a path of self-destruction. The constant alcohol and tobacco abuse has taken a serious toll on your health. You *need* to cut back or your lifespan will be greatly reduced."
James: "You really expect me to do that?!"
Doctor: *sigh* "No, Mr. Bond..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2ust/a_man_walks_into_the_doctors_office/
%
Whats the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil?

No one ever paid $50 to have a Lentil on their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2t7n/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked.

This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2soa/last_weekend_my_dad_caught_me_smoking_a_cigarette/
%
Watching the NCAA Football Championship Game with Dad

Me: "Who's the favorite?"
Dad: "Your brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2ral/watching_the_ncaa_football_championship_game_with/
%
What do you do for a sick balloon?

You helium up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2ntj/what_do_you_do_for_a_sick_balloon/
%
Why do Italians wear gold necklaces?

So they know where to stop shaving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2mx0/why_do_italians_wear_gold_necklaces/
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The Sides' Squires

Not sure if this was posted before, but here goes...
There's a beautiful country somewhere where the land is divided into three parts, and at the center is a lake. All 3 kingdoms want the lake and decide to fight for it.
The first kingdom sends all 100 of its finest knights with all of their finest squires dressed in the best of armor and armed with the finest of weapons. The second kingdom sends all 50 of its knights with all of their 50 squires dressed in decent leather and armed with long swords. The third kingdom sends its only knight, an old and weary soldier, and his squire.
That night the knights of the first kingdom throw a feast and all drink extremely heavily. The men of the second kingdom also consume massive amounts of alcohol. But in the third k, the squire set up a pot and a noose off a tree branch and had a calm stew dinner with the knight.
The next morning, the knights of the first and second kingdoms were too hungover to battle, and the knight of the third kingdom lacked the stamina, so they sent their squires instead. The battle raged, and when it ended, the only one standing was from the third kingdom.
Goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2l84/the_sides_squires/
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My uncle once said "if you put your mind to it anything is possible!"

I was confused and asked him what he meant
"You see my date over there?"
"Yeah, the pretty one?"
Pretty women don't usually go for men like me, but if you put your mind to it, you can save up the money for borrowing them for a night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2jbm/my_uncle_once_said_if_you_put_your_mind_to_it/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

The guys asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2inq/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_3_pieces_of_meat/
%
What do you call someone who can't eat burnt toast?

Black toast intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2hfm/what_do_you_call_someone_who_cant_eat_burnt_toast/
%
There was once a doctor who tried to prove that mainly blood was kept in bones,

But alas it twas in vein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2gaq/there_was_once_a_doctor_who_tried_to_prove_that/
%
A King taught his son how to use the toilet today.

Now they call him Prince Charmin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2g36/a_king_taught_his_son_how_to_use_the_toilet_today/
%
I have chronic diarrhea. My dad also has chronic diarrhea, and his dad had it too...

It runs in our jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2fet/i_have_chronic_diarrhea_my_dad_also_has_chronic/
%
How do you know if your wife is dead?

Sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2fes/how_do_you_know_if_your_wife_is_dead/
%
LPT: Learn the military alphabet

Please learn it. It'll save you so much time on the phone.
Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel, India, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike, November, Oscar, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, Uniform, Victor, Whiskey, X-Ray, Yankee, and Zulu.
Ever tried to spell something out and the other person mixes around letters?
S—Not F, S! S as in Sam!
That doesn't work.
Sierra, Echo, November, Delta, November, Uniform, Delta, Echo, Sierra.
Works like a charm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2ev4/lpt_learn_the_military_alphabet/
%
What is a pirates favorite letter?

A letter of marque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2e2u/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
A woman walks into a sports shop

She asks one of the employees for a pump needle.  The employee finds one for her and says, "That will be 1 dollar".  The lady responds, "That is odd, the last time I was here they only cost 50 cents".  The employee responded, "Sorry ma'am, but that is inflation for ya"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2dfo/a_woman_walks_into_a_sports_shop/
%
What do you call a rough Italian neighborhood?

A Spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2d8p/what_do_you_call_a_rough_italian_neighborhood/
%
I bet Ivanka Trump actually turned down a position in President Trump's cabinet

I mean how many women would feel comfortable working for a man who said they would screw their daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2d0h/i_bet_ivanka_trump_actually_turned_down_a/
%
Who did the pirate lose his virginity to?

His first mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n2aif/who_did_the_pirate_lose_his_virginity_to/
%
A woman sits down next to a man in first class.

The man sneezes, nonchalantly pulls out his willy and wipes the tip off. The woman is taken aback but is rendered speechless.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. Again, he whips it out and wipes the tip off. Thoroughly disgusted she still keeps quiet.
Then he does it a third time and the woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, that's awful.  I didn't realize there was such a condition. Can you take anything for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Mainly I sniff pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n24lb/a_woman_sits_down_next_to_a_man_in_first_class/
%
New Miranda rights

A very attractive and well built young female cop pulled over a man on a suspected DUI.
After some initial questions she decided to arrest him and made him get out of the car.
"Sir you have the right to remain silent and anything you say will be held against you...."
She never got to finish because the drunk leered at her and said: "Titties!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n21wz/new_miranda_rights/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two, but its kinda hard to get em in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n21g8/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Bad news in Dinsey Land

Turns out Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce.
Judge says to Mickey "I'm sorry but you can't divorce Minnie just because shes stupid."
"I didn't say she was stupid." Reply Mickey. " I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1xzh/bad_news_in_dinsey_land/
%
Why did the strawberry cross the road?

There was a traffic jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1w9c/why_did_the_strawberry_cross_the_road/
%
Two guys walk into a bar

The third guy ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1u34/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I visited an old, abandoned fairground yesterday...

My whole family advised me not to.
"Don't go near the rollercoaster", said my mum.
"Why?" I asked.
"Remember... the story of how it is haunted by Runaway Tom... a ghost that is said to tie his victims to the track and have the rollercoaster run over them."
"Don't go near the pirate ship," said my sister.
"Why?"
"Because it is haunted by Cut Throat Greybeard... a ghost who will hang you and slice you..."
"And don't go into the hall of mirrors," warned my dad.
"Why, who is in there?" I asked.
"No one, you're just ugly..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1mc7/i_visited_an_old_abandoned_fairground_yesterday/
%
A boy is at a spelling bee.

Judge: "Your word is 'buffering'."
Boy: "Let me know when it's loaded."
Judge: "It's not 'loaded'. It's 'buffering'."
Boy: "No problem, just tell me when..."
Judge: "Buffering!"
Boy: "Oh, OK..."
Judge: "No, it's actually B-U-F-F-E-R-I-N-G."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1m5b/a_boy_is_at_a_spelling_bee/
%
Helen Keller

What was Helen Keller's favorite color?
Corduroy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1lvm/helen_keller/
%
Who's the worst villain in more games than any other?

EA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1lt0/whos_the_worst_villain_in_more_games_than_any/
%
How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1kn9/how_do_you_make_a_tissue_dance/
%
A Mother is cleaning her kids room...

She finds a bunch of BDSM gear and fetish mags. She shows her husband
Mom: What do we do?
Dad: I'm not sure, but whatever you do  you better not spank him!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1kkw/a_mother_is_cleaning_her_kids_room/
%
What do you call a broken statue with nice tits?

A busted busty bust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1jer/what_do_you_call_a_broken_statue_with_nice_tits/
%
My wife and I went to see a realtor.

"Have you guys considered moving houses?" he asked.
I said, "No, we don't like caravans."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1je7/my_wife_and_i_went_to_see_a_realtor/
%
Sunny side up!

Growing up I never knew what a sunrise was until one day it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1jan/sunny_side_up/
%
Shouldn't brothels be called "hoe-tels"?

I apologise for any loss of brain cells caused by this joke...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1i95/shouldnt_brothels_be_called_hoetels/
%
I went out with an Asian girl once

I  asked for a 69,
She said "Fuck off I'm not cooking egg fried rice this time of night"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1heu/i_went_out_with_an_asian_girl_once/
%
Why don't dairy farmers wear flip flops?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1h0q/why_dont_dairy_farmers_wear_flip_flops/
%
A Kiss can make my whole day...

But anal could make my hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1g5x/a_kiss_can_make_my_whole_day/
%
An airplane was about to Crash.

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the Smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's Smartest President took my schoolbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1fnx/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash/
%
LPT

When submitting a post, make sure you post to the correct subreddit or you will look like an idiot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1dro/lpt/
%
What do Mexicans use to cut a pizza?

Little Caesar's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1dfu/what_do_mexicans_use_to_cut_a_pizza/
%
Anybody here named Jeff?

Jeff: Yes
Geoff: Yeos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1cyx/anybody_here_named_jeff/
%
Why are there so many grammar Nazis on the internet?

Because English majors have no jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1cgk/why_are_there_so_many_grammar_nazis_on_the/
%
2 sperm are racing toward the egg.

One sperm asks the other "How far is it until we reach the egg?"
The other sperm replies "It can't be far now we just passed the tonsils"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1bvj/2_sperm_are_racing_toward_the_egg/
%
A young boy asks his father for help with a homework assignment [nsfw]

A young boy asks his father for help with a homework assignment.
He asks, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'actually'?"
The father replies, "Well, son. I can definitely help you out there. But first, go ask your brother, mother, and sister if they would have sex with Brad Pitt for $1 million."
The boy walks to his brother's room and asks him first. The brother replies, "Well, I'm not gay or anything. But $1 million is $1 million. I guess I'd do it."
The boy then walks to his mother's room and asks her. She replies, "Well, it would be cheating on your father. But that money could really help the family. I guess I'd do it. Honestly, I'd even do it for half of that."
The boy finally walks to his sister's room and asks her. She replies, "Are you kidding me? He's soooooo hot! I'd fuck him for free!"
The boy returns to his father and tells him each of their replies, hoping to finally learn the lesson. His father explains, "You see son, *potentially*, we are sitting on $1.5 million, but *actually*, we are living with a faggot, a cheating whore, and a slut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1bio/a_young_boy_asks_his_father_for_help_with_a/
%
Did you know?

Statistically, six out of seven Dwarves aren't happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1bi9/did_you_know/
%
How many Redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Who cares? All lightbulbs are just reposts of Edison's OC anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n19yp/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What's a compliment in America and a death sentence in Iraq?

You're the bomb!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1897/whats_a_compliment_in_america_and_a_death/
%
I bought a guide on the internet on how to be a thief 3 months ago

I Haven't received it yet..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1618/i_bought_a_guide_on_the_internet_on_how_to_be_a/
%
I just found out that my sweater was made by indonesian slave children

And i must say they did a wonderful job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1338/i_just_found_out_that_my_sweater_was_made_by/
%
Yesterday at the gym I was looking at the Height/Body Mass index

Apparently I'm 4 inches too short

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n1270/yesterday_at_the_gym_i_was_looking_at_the/
%
The racing driver

can't work out why he's come in last in a race despite using the fastest, most technologically advance car.
With his support team, he checks the vehicle and finds three men in large dresses, full make-up and wigs sitting on the roof.
"There's the problem," says the engineer. "Too much drag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n117h/the_racing_driver/
%
They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry.

It's been several days now, what should I do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n100d/they_say_youre_not_supposed_to_go_to_the_grocery/
%
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Someone else's cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0yby/what_do_you_call_cheese_that_isnt_yours/
%
Capitalist jokes aren't funny

Unless the 1% gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0xhh/capitalist_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Why did Medusa have to take sexual harassment training?

Because she wouldn't stop objectifying people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0uxk/why_did_medusa_have_to_take_sexual_harassment/
%
How do you make 5lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0tst/how_do_you_make_5lbs_of_fat_look_good/
%
What happened when Cinderella got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0ryt/what_happened_when_cinderella_got_to_the_ball/
%
A man walked into a bar. You won't believe what happened next!

Clickbait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0o3q/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_you_wont_believe_what/
%
A man has diarrhea at a gala dinner...

So he tells his wife: "I have diarrhea, but I couldn't make it to the toilet so I've put my underpants in your bag."
To which she responds: "I didn't bring my bag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0nhn/a_man_has_diarrhea_at_a_gala_dinner/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0k1x/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
Einstein's mother asks him "are you happy."

Einstein replies "relatively."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0iwa/einsteins_mother_asks_him_are_you_happy/
%
A string walks into a bar...

So a shoelace walks into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. The bartender looks at him and responds: "We don't serve shoelaces here, leave."
The shoelace, rather put out, exits the establishment, and proceeds to tie himself into a knot. He then returns to the bar and, again, orders a scotch on the rocks. The bartender looks at him and says for the second time: "I don't know who you think you're fooling, as I said; we don't serve shoelaces here. Leave."
The shoelace does not take kindly to this, however, he doesn't want to make a big scene, so he obliges. Once off the premises, the shoelace tears off the plastic covering on the end of him and frayed his end. After this, he returns to the bar, and orders a scotch on the rocks. The bartender, clearly annoyed, responds with:
"This is the last time I am going to tell you, we don't serve shoelaces here! Leave my property!"
The shoelace says calmly: "I beg your pardon sir, but I am not a shoelace."
"If you're not a shoelace then what are you?"
"I'm afraid not."
(A frayed knot)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0i4l/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Toilet stolen from police station

Cops have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0hmj/toilet_stolen_from_police_station/
%
A girl is having sex with her boyfriend [NSFW]

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "... I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "Hi Sorry! I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking Sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0hjg/a_girl_is_having_sex_with_her_boyfriend_nsfw/
%
There Once Was A Poet Named Bates

His poems weren't always first rate, His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had, Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0gzo/there_once_was_a_poet_named_bates/
%
There was a computer dating back to Adam and Eve..

It was an apple, and a very bad one at that. It only took one byte for everything to crash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0fp2/there_was_a_computer_dating_back_to_adam_and_eve/
%
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0fdl/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_yesterday/
%
What's green and fuzzy, has six legs, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0c1l/whats_green_and_fuzzy_has_six_legs_and_if_it_fell/
%
What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend

Flush
I heard this from my 11 year old cousin, the look on his mom's face after he told me this made my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0bpq/what_does_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
I was working in a bakery and fell onto a bun

I guess you could say I'm on a roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n098v/i_was_working_in_a_bakery_and_fell_onto_a_bun/
%
A priest wakes up on a Sunday morning

He opens his window and sees that the sun is shining brightly, so he decides to call in sick for the day to play some golf. God and his angels sees this and is absolutely disgusted. How dare he miss a service just so he could play a silly game? 'Don't worry,' God says, 'I have just the *perfect* punishment for him.' The priest takes a swing and the ball bounces off several trees before rolling straight into the hole, scoring a perfect hole in one. One of the angels beside him says 'God, I thought you were going to *punish* the man?' And God responds 'I did. No one's ever going to believe him!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n07ik/a_priest_wakes_up_on_a_sunday_morning/
%
I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the hell would you ask me that?  Is it because I am Chinese?
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n07gm/i_was_standing_at_the_bar_of_terminal_3_in_the/
%
The engineer and the manager...

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n070n/the_engineer_and_the_manager/
%
What is the difference between a comma and a cat?

One is a pause at the end of a clause, the other is GOD DAMMIT GET OFF THE FUCKING TABLE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n05ao/what_is_the_difference_between_a_comma_and_a_cat/
%
What does a widow say when she wakes up?

Mourning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n0586/what_does_a_widow_say_when_she_wakes_up/
%
Two Cannibals are eating Amy Schumer..

One turns to the other and says 'Does this taste funny to you?'
The other looks back and replies 'no.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5n04j0/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
%
A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm...

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.
“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.
“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzzw4/a_farm_worker_greets_josef_stalin_at_his_potato/
%
Patient: "Doctor, my eye hurts when I drink my tea..."

Doctor: "Well take the spoon out then.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzx32/patient_doctor_my_eye_hurts_when_i_drink_my_tea/
%
If a vampire drinks blood from someone in a coma

Is that considered getting his vegetables?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzw9w/if_a_vampire_drinks_blood_from_someone_in_a_coma/
%
A group of boys are walking down the street

. They are holding a spool of chicken wire.
An old man sitting on his porch sees them. He stops them and says "What are y'all doin with all that chicken wire?"
One of the boys responds "We gonna catch some chickens"
The old man is incredibly confused and doubts them. The boys continue walking.
A couple hours later, the boys come walking back and in the chicken wire is a whole bunch of chickens. The old man can not believe his eyes and is astonished.
The next day the boys come walking down the street again with alot of duct tape.
The old man sees them once again and shouts "Hey! What are y'all doin with all that duct tape?"
One of the boys shouts back, "We gonna catch some ducks!".
The old man once again doubts them and watches them walk away. Around evening, the boys come walking back with a whole bunch of ducks stuck in the duct tape. The old man is amazed and still can't believe what he sees.
The next couple of days, the old man sits on his porch waiting all day for the boys to come walking by, but they never do. One day the boys come walking down the street, this time with some pussy willow.
The old man sees them, quickly gets out of his chair and screams "Wait up! I'm gonna go get my hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzv7i/a_group_of_boys_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
I once stayed up all night wondering where the sun went

then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzv5n/i_once_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_where_the/
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My street looks like a garbage dump...

...litter ally!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzumq/my_street_looks_like_a_garbage_dump/
%
When is a joke a dad joke?

When it is all groan up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzu62/when_is_a_joke_a_dad_joke/
%
What's the difference between a good joke and

a bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzske/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
%
What's the name of A support group for transgender superheroes?

The Ex Men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzquk/whats_the_name_of_a_support_group_for_transgender/
%
I have a fear of speed bumps

But I am slowly getting over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzp3g/i_have_a_fear_of_speed_bumps/
%
I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzlfk/i_felt_like_a_fool_when_i_bought_david_bowie/
%
An officer pulls over a speeding blonde and asks her for her license.

She angrily exclaims "Yesterday you took away my license and now you want to see it again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzku9/an_officer_pulls_over_a_speeding_blonde_and_asks/
%
A man wins the lottery and is of course extremely excited. He rushes home and tells his wife of 48 years "Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!" The wife says "oh my god! Where are we going??"

The husband replies "I don't know where you're going, just be outta here by 5"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzk89/a_man_wins_the_lottery_and_is_of_course_extremely/
%
What do you call a detective in the real estate business?

Sherlock Homes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzhzo/what_do_you_call_a_detective_in_the_real_estate/
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A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturns on the motorway...

Police confirms there will be no congestion for eight hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzgph/a_truck_loaded_with_vicks_vaporub_overturns_on/
%
Joke from my little sister...

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Her: To get to the ugly guy's house.
Me:???
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: It's the chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzggg/joke_from_my_little_sister/
%
Justin Bieber....

I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzaxa/justin_bieber/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad , I had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzar8/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
A guy gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: Your eyes are bloodshot; have you been drinking?
Guy: Your eyes are glazed; have you been eating donuts?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mzaqy/a_guy_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
%
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She didn't wear her seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mz622/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
There is this guy who has this major crush on this girl that works at the bar he hangs out at. He would love to talk to her but every time he sees her he gets the biggest boner.

One day he
noticed her behind the bar and quickly sat on a
bar stool. He felt this was the perfect chance
to talk to her knowing that if he got a boner it
would be hidden under the bar top. They get to
talking and he finally asks her out. She said yes
and the man was ecstatic, he said he would pick
her up at 8 Saturday night.
Saturday when he pulled up to the front of the
house he remembered his problem and new when
she came to the door he would be so embarrassed.
Thinking quickly he reached into the glove
compartment and pulled out a piece of twine,
pulled down his pants and tied his penis to
his leg.
He then went up the steps and rang the door bell.
She came out and they walked to the car he opened
the door for her and just as she was about to
step in she dropped her purse. She had a very
short black dress on and when she bent over to
pick up her purse he ended up kicking her in
the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5myzrr/there_is_this_guy_who_has_this_major_crush_on/
%
A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on the way to the depot.

The police have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5myyw0/a_shipment_of_viagra_was_hijacked_on_the_way_to/
%
Why did the antelope go to her sisters house?

She wanted to see her nephewlope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5myyby/why_did_the_antelope_go_to_her_sisters_house/
%
How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5myx1q/how_does_nasa_organize_a_party/
%
My good friend died having sex

I guess you could say he came and went at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mytdo/my_good_friend_died_having_sex/
%
My Wedding was really emotional

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5myqt0/my_wedding_was_really_emotional/
%
Why are Jewish Men Circumcised?

Because Jewish Women won't buy anything unless it's 25% off.
You're welcome Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5myqba/why_are_jewish_men_circumcised/
%
So, a snake walks into a bar....

And the bartender asks in surprise "how'd you do that?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mypnl/so_a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while

. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5myigb/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_to_israel_to_live/
%
Why does jesus not play video games?

Everytime he dies he has to wait 3 days to respawn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mya48/why_does_jesus_not_play_video_games/
%
My barber asked me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that shaves me (shaves me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5my831/my_barber_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
3251

I know you've all heard it before, but it's one of my favorites

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5my7mk/3251/
%
A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork...

that he finally burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?" The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A". After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5my7iu/a_gynecologist_had_become_so_fed_up_with/
%
Someone asked Trump how he planned to build the wall

he said "On the day I got elected 60 million people shit a brick and Mexico agreed to pay for the mortar"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5my5ly/someone_asked_trump_how_he_planned_to_build_the/
%
I met this cute Inuit girl but I didn't know what to say, so I just said something funny.

It was an icebreaker joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5my53e/i_met_this_cute_inuit_girl_but_i_didnt_know_what/
%
A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart

when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
The brunette won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
The blonde won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the women met back at Wal-Mart. The blonde asked the brunette how she liked her prize, to which the brunette replied,
"Great, I love spaghetti!"
"How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied the blonde.
"I think I'm gonna go back to paper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5my019/a_blonde_and_brunette_were_in_a_local_walmart/
%
The police car, its siren blaring, raced in front of a speeding car and forced it to stop

.
A heavily built policeman got out and walked over.
"You name, please?" asked the policeman, taking out his notebook and pen.
"Certainly, officer," replied the driver. "It's Horatio Xerxes Laertes Idomeneus Aeneas Asclepius Iphicles Menoeceus Memnon Philoctetes Tyndareus Hylas."
The policeman thought for a moment, then looked at his notebook, shook his head and said: "I'll just give you a warning this time don't break the speed limit again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mxygs/the_police_car_its_siren_blaring_raced_in_front/
%
I tried to donate my brain to science

They didn't want it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mxy5k/i_tried_to_donate_my_brain_to_science/
%
If life's my oyster...

Then I must be fucking allergic to shellfish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mxugs/if_lifes_my_oyster/
%
What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?

Exit the European Union.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mxtie/whats_the_fastest_way_to_lose_a_few_pounds/
%
A vending machine fell on me today

Luckily it only had soft drinks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mxmbn/a_vending_machine_fell_on_me_today/
%
What did the city say to its father before it left for Mexico?

Ciudad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mxlo9/what_did_the_city_say_to_its_father_before_it/
%
A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mximk/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_the_police/
%
Millionaire Interview

Interviewer : Sir, who helped you on becoming a Millionaire?
Millionaire : My wife........ I was a billionaire before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mxg95/millionaire_interview/
%
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well, the flags a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mxfn8/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
I was speaking to a computer technician.

"How do you make a motherboard?" I asked him.
He said, "Tell her about my job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mxd4e/i_was_speaking_to_a_computer_technician/
%
I dont know why its called kidnapping,

Ive never got one of those little bastards to fall asleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mxcg3/i_dont_know_why_its_called_kidnapping/
%
Husband/Wife store (Long)

THE HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...
On each floor the signs on the doors read:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,261,496,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
THE WIFE STORE
Floor 1 - has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 - has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mxbog/husbandwife_store_long/
%
What do you call a mexican who's lost his car?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mxajm/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_whos_lost_his_car/
%
What do kings call musical chairs?

A game of thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mx9zy/what_do_kings_call_musical_chairs/
%
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mx77v/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_half_a_brain/
%
What do you call a T-Rex that's been weightlifting all day?

Dino-sore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mx74h/what_do_you_call_a_trex_thats_been_weightlifting/
%
Knock knock

-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Athens.
-Oh no, it's the polis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mx5hs/knock_knock/
%
Winter vacation is over and returning to school is tough for my girl...

...the crying, the kicking, the screaming...but it has to be done, after all, she's the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mx5gb/winter_vacation_is_over_and_returning_to_school/
%
A little boy...

A little boy kills a butterfly.
Dad says : "No butter for you for a week!"
The little boy then kills a honeybee.
Dad says : "No honey for you for a week!"
Mom kills a cockroach.
The little boy asks : "Are you going to tell her or should I say it for you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mx5ed/a_little_boy/
%
As the head emerged from my wife's vagina, one of the doctors turned to me.

He said, "Are you excited?"
"Of course," I replied. "I haven't seen my Action Man in ages!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mx46o/as_the_head_emerged_from_my_wifes_vagina_one_of/
%
Cabby revenge

Late at night, I had a bit to drink and asked the cabby if he could tell me how much to my place. I had only about half this amount and could he help me out. He said no in the rudest way possible.
Next week I see the same cabby in the front of the queue. so I go to the last cab in the rank and ask the cabby. "If I let you suck my cock, will you give me a ride home?"  Obviously he said No. I did it to each cab getting the same response until I get to the cabby from last week. I ask, "Can you take me home". I smile and wave to all the cabbies in the queue as I jump in the front of the cab for my ride home!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mx3tn/cabby_revenge/
%
I was at an art gallery.

"Absolutely beautiful, isn't it?" I asked the guy next to me. "The way the yellow combines with the grey. The way the colours intertwine. Truly remarkable."
He stepped away from the urinal and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mx2u2/i_was_at_an_art_gallery/
%
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mx2s8/what_is_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
%
What's black and always behind bars?

Guinness
(You bunch of racists)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mx1zb/whats_black_and_always_behind_bars/
%
Just got a petrol cap for my Skoda...

...seemed like a good trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mx155/just_got_a_petrol_cap_for_my_skoda/
%
Have you heard the one about the grain farmer?

It was corny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mx09p/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_grain_farmer/
%
Average jokes don't end how you think they...

Median

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mx044/average_jokes_dont_end_how_you_think_they/
%
Finally got funding approved for the gay club I'm opening in Prague.

The Czech's in the Male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwy88/finally_got_funding_approved_for_the_gay_club_im/
%
What do you have if you don't have a Kia?

A Nokia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwy4j/what_do_you_have_if_you_dont_have_a_kia/
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What is the worst thing about farming vegetables?

The wheelchairs are too expensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwx7k/what_is_the_worst_thing_about_farming_vegetables/
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Life is like a bowl of soup

You only get blown if you're hot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwurh/life_is_like_a_bowl_of_soup/
%
A blonde and her husband

are sleeping when the neighbor’s dog starts barking and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!'
She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks 'So, what did you do?'
The blonde says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor’s dog barking all night.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwq7j/a_blonde_and_her_husband/
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Conjunctivitis. com

That's a site for sore eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwno6/conjunctivitis_com/
%
A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back.

The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The man says, “I’m a snail."
The host says, "And who's that on your back?"
And the man says, "That's Michelle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwme1/a_man_goes_to_a_halloween_party_with_a_woman_on/
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What is Whitney Houston's best kind of coordination?

Hand EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwmbw/what_is_whitney_houstons_best_kind_of_coordination/
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You don't need a parachute to skydive

You only need a parachute to skydive twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwlls/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_skydive/
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What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Syria?

A map.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwizn/what_do_you_call_a_piece_of_sandpaper_in_syria/
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Why do people tip cows?

Their service isn't even that good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwhvd/why_do_people_tip_cows/
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A terrorist made a post on reddit...

Then he said "Well, I'm gonna see how's that gonna blow up in a few hours"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwh8y/a_terrorist_made_a_post_on_reddit/
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In Italy, they call me Olive Oil

Its because im extra virgin. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwfr5/in_italy_they_call_me_olive_oil/
%
I own a very profitable bakery

I guess you could say, i'm rolling in the dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwfq6/i_own_a_very_profitable_bakery/
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An American goes to Japan to meet a partner

An American goes to Japan to meet a potential business partner for his business (no shit). He lands in Japan and he is due to meet his potential partner the next day during golf, which he hasn't played in a while. Now to say he was nervous was an understatement, this was the gateway for him to make it big in his industry. In order for him to un-stress himself for the next day he hires a prostitute. The prostitute arrives at his hotel room, and they go to town. When he starts the deed which is good she starts screaming something, but it's in Japanese, and the American is thinking "I must be doing amazing, she must be screaming I joy" and after a while he finishes, he pays the lady and she leaves in a hurry.
The next day he wakes up feeling refreshed and confident from the night before. He heads to golf to meet the potential partner, they shake hands and exchange greetings and get straight into the game as they talk about he business. Everything is going well, they get on well and the Japanese man is very interested in his business. On the fourth hole the Japanese man goes first, swings his club and gets a hole in one. The Japanese in very happy with his hole in one, and the American wanting to impress the Japanese Man with any knowledge about the Japanese language screams the words that the prostitute yelled the previous night thinking it meant joy or celebration.
The Japanese man turns to the American, confused and asked "what do you mean, 'wrong hole?' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwe45/an_american_goes_to_japan_to_meet_a_partner/
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Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwd8t/bacon_and_eggs_walk_into_a_bar_and_order_a_beer/
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My parents once made me smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in one sitting.

To teach me about brand loyalty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwcbk/my_parents_once_made_me_smoke_a_whole_pack_of/
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I don't like generalizations...

They all suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwc0b/i_dont_like_generalizations/
%
Why did the Pharaoh Build a Statue of Himself?

Because he Sphinx he's the best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mwa8y/why_did_the_pharaoh_build_a_statue_of_himself/
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Dude goes to a brothel...

So this guy is at home masturbating and decides that he has had enoigh and would rather be with a woman.    He looks around his house for some cash and finds $5 and heads down to the local brothel.    He walks into the brothel and asks the man behind the counter what he can get for the $5....   the man laughs and points at a chicken.    Guy says fuck it and takes the chicken.   He was sent down to the last room on the left with the window in it.
He's so horny, he rushes in the room and fucks the chicken til it's almost dead.  He then returns the chicken  and heads home.
The next day, he decides to go back with another $5 to see  if he can get the chicken again.  When he gets there the clerk tells him no because he almost killed it but, they have a show going on with two lesbians going at it.  So he goes for it.   "Second last room on the left" the clerk says.   So he goes into the room and sits down, viewing the girls through a window.    He turns to the guy next to him and says "these two girls are awesome, they're really going at it".   The guy responds, "you think these two are good, you should of seen the guy fucking the chicken last night"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mw9gd/dude_goes_to_a_brothel/
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A man and his wife are walking through St. Petersburg, USSR

They feel a slight precipitation.
"Must be rain" the man says.
"No, it's snow." says his wife.
After arguing about the precipitation, the man decides to ask a third party. They stop a patrolling policeman, Officer Rudolph.
"Excuse me Officer Rudolph, is this rain or snow?" the man asks
"It is rain, comrade." Officer Rudolph answers.
The man turns to his wife and says "See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mw9fq/a_man_and_his_wife_are_walking_through_st/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mw6tw/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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What's the difference between a catholic priest and zits?

Zits wait until you're at least 12 to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mw649/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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best yo momma jokes

Yo momma's so fat and old when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mother to move out of the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mw5y2/best_yo_momma_jokes/
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???: Knock knock.

James: Who's there?
???: You know.
James: You know who?
Voldemort: Correct.
James Potter:
James Potter: Fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mw564/knock_knock/
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A short facts list

1) 50% of facts are made up
2) I made up the first fact

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mw3it/a_short_facts_list/
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What do you call a homeless Hitler?

A roofless dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mvysx/what_do_you_call_a_homeless_hitler/
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why was darth vader arrested?

excessive use of force.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mvwbn/why_was_darth_vader_arrested/
%
Voldemort is like a teenage girl.

He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mvwb1/voldemort_is_like_a_teenage_girl/
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Difficult essay exam

One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.
The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"
The prof said, "No and I don't care."
The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"
The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in
the middle, then threw the papers in the air.
"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mvw9m/difficult_essay_exam/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mvumy/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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How much rest does a bad Sheppard get?

Not a ton, he has a lot of sheepless nights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mvqns/how_much_rest_does_a_bad_sheppard_get/
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How much food does a software engineer eat a day?

A couple of bytes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mvpp3/how_much_food_does_a_software_engineer_eat_a_day/
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Why did the blonde keep coat hangers under her seat?

In case she locks her keys in her car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mvngh/why_did_the_blonde_keep_coat_hangers_under_her/
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What do you call a crazy bug on the moon?

A lunar tick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mvl1w/what_do_you_call_a_crazy_bug_on_the_moon/
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Why do milking stools only have 3 legs?

Because the cow has the udder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mvivs/why_do_milking_stools_only_have_3_legs/
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I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby"

Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mvel8/i_have_recently_changed_the_sound_of_my_alarm/
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Hitler had one hell of a speech writer.

People called him the grammar nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mvceq/hitler_had_one_hell_of_a_speech_writer/
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What do you call it when two snowmen 69?

88

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mvbu6/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_snowmen_69/
%
Why do the Romans use more eggs in their omelets than the French?

Because the Romans feel that when it comes to eggs, you can't have too many ovum.
But in France, they believe that one egg is un ouef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mvbnx/why_do_the_romans_use_more_eggs_in_their_omelets/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

And a table
And a chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mv8sd/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A book just fell on my head.

I've only got myshelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mv82p/a_book_just_fell_on_my_head/
%
Vietnam veteran's hilarious true story

A bunch of US soldiers were marching across a field. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Hey, do you see where we are?" He looks around and realizes they are walking through a massive field of marijuana. The soldiers started breaking off plants and stuffing them into their clothes and their helmets, as much as they could fit. Then their commanding officer comes over, sees what the men are doing, and shouts, "Finally!!! Bout time you boys started listening to me about camoflage!"
-------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------
This is from the Vietnam documentary 'Brothers in War'. After all these tragic stories, one vet wanted to show that it wasn't all bad, so he told this story. For those that don't get it, its common practice for soldiers to break off local foliage and attach it to their uniform to help them blend in as they move through different environments. Obviously the CO didn't recognize what kind of plant it was. (Nothing makes a joke funny like having to explain it!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mv7l0/vietnam_veterans_hilarious_true_story/
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78% of black people like sex in the shower.

The other 22% haven't been to prison yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mv3cx/78_of_black_people_like_sex_in_the_shower/
%
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5muyhy/what_lies_on_its_back_100_feet_in_the_air/
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What did the U.S president say before starting WW3?

Nukes... You're fired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mumh4/what_did_the_us_president_say_before_starting_ww3/
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Good joke to drop on most people.

A man walks into a bar and see's a sign that says:
Hamburgers - $1.00
Cheeseburgers - $2.00
Handjobs - $10.00
So the man approaches the blond, busty, beautiful bartender and says: "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
She replies "I sure am, sugar!"
"Great. Wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mulx0/good_joke_to_drop_on_most_people/
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What's the difference between America and yoghurt?

If you leave yoghurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5muick/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_yoghurt/
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Shouting, "You're all pathetic idiots!" to freedom of speech protesters...

Soon changes their tone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mui8d/shouting_youre_all_pathetic_idiots_to_freedom_of/
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What is a Canadian's Favorite Game?

Sorry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5muhfa/what_is_a_canadians_favorite_game/
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How many suh dudes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, it's already lit fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mudaw/how_many_suh_dudes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What's worse then ants in your pants?

Uncles in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5muber/whats_worse_then_ants_in_your_pants/
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Dark humour is like food

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mu865/dark_humour_is_like_food/
%
A fruit probably wouldn't travel to Australia

But a veggie might

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mu7oh/a_fruit_probably_wouldnt_travel_to_australia/
%
A German baby was adopted by a wealthy couple

He grew into a happy, healthy boy, except for one thing: he never spoke.
After five years of silence, little Wolfgang's parents began to worry that he might have a disability. They took him to all the best pediatricians and speech therapists, but none could provide a solution.
One night after dinner, Wolfgang was served his dessert. Suddenly he cried out, "Mother! This strudel is a bit tepid!"
"Wolfgang!" his mother exclaimed, "You can speak! All these years, you've been silent. Why haven't you spoken to me before now?"
"Well," Wolfgang said, "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mu6jh/a_german_baby_was_adopted_by_a_wealthy_couple/
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Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be two of them and now it's a really touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mu3ul/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
%
I need to buy a 4k TV, no matter what.

It's my new year resolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mu2i6/i_need_to_buy_a_4k_tv_no_matter_what/
%
What is the name of the guy with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mu2fd/what_is_the_name_of_the_guy_with_no_body_and_no/
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So what if I can´t spell Armageddan

It´s not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mu1bj/so_what_if_i_cant_spell_armageddan/
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Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mu0pb/ladies_and_gentlemen_this_is_your_captain_speaking/
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A woman ended up caring for two female parrots . . .

A woman ended up caring for two female parrots belonging to her father, who had to enter a nursing home and couldn’t take them with him.
But he was kind of a rascal and taught them to say some rude phrases whenever anyone new walked into the room.
Their favourite was, “Hi, we’re hookers.  Want to have some fun?”
The lady was quite embarrassed by these two birds and was at her wit’s end.
However, because her father was so fond of them, she was reluctant get rid of them.
Then she remembered her priest raised parrots.  In fact, he had two male parrots that were quite remarkable — they could even say the rosary.
So she asked his advice.
He suggested putting the two rude birds in with his birds on the chance they could teach them some better language.
So, she brought the birds over and placed them in the cage with the priest’s birds.
Of course, the first thing they said was, “Hi, we’re hookers.  Want to have some fun?”
One of the priest’s parrots looked over at the other and said, “You can put away the rosary beads, Larry, our prayers have been answered.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mtzd2/a_woman_ended_up_caring_for_two_female_parrots/
%
When you'd rather read a book than date a girl ...

it's prose over hoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mtuyf/when_youd_rather_read_a_book_than_date_a_girl/
%
"For this entry level position, we're looking for..."

"Someone with the wisdom of a 50-year old
The experience of a 40-year old
The ambition of a 30-year old
The energy of a 20-year old
And who, ideally, is willing to work for free."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mtsiy/for_this_entry_level_position_were_looking_for/
%
My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mtrhs/my_7_year_old_cousin_just_told_me_this/
%
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda.

I'm certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mtrbl/i_finally_saw_kung_fu_panda/
%
I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed.

Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mtr3o/i_went_through_an_expensive_and_painful_procedure/
%
I have been diagnosed with CDO

Its like OCD, but just in the right fucking order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mtogx/i_have_been_diagnosed_with_cdo/
%
What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mtoew/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
%
A doctor says to his patient, "I have good new and bad news..."

Patient: "I'd like the good news first"
Doctor : "Well, you're going to have a disease named after you..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mtnnk/a_doctor_says_to_his_patient_i_have_good_new_and/
%
A policeman is walking near a lake..

He noticed a man with a bucket full of fish. No one is allowed to fish in that lake unless you have a license so the police goes up to him and says
"May I see your fishing licence please? If you don't have one then I'm afraid I have to give you a ticket of $500"
The fisherman responds with
"Oh I don't have any licence. You only need the licence for fishing, but I'm here to let my fish swim. You see, I let my fish swim 45 minutes a day and then when I whistle they come back and I take them home."
The policeman starts laughing and says
"Do they come back when you whistle? I don't believe you!"
"I can prove it to you!" Says the fisherman
"Go ahead" Says the policeman while still laughing
The fisherman released the fish into the water. They wait a couple of minutes. Finally the police man gets annoyed and asks
"When are you gonna whistle so the fish can come back?"
The fisherman looks at him in confusion and says
"Fish? What are you talking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mtjoz/a_policeman_is_walking_near_a_lake/
%
The ego and superego walk into a bar...

The bartender says.. I need to see some ID

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mth1v/the_ego_and_superego_walk_into_a_bar/
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Sportscar

*Hello, I'm new to Reddit. I'm not sure if dirty jokes are allowed, I have read the rules though (I didn't see anything specific on dirty jokes), if not, sorry. Here goes:*
*Edit: I say my first post on Reddit didn't do so bad! Actually it's much better than I expected! Thanks guys :D*
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend, she was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mteda/sportscar/
%
Forget a joke you read on /r/jokes?

Don't worry, it'll be posted again next week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mtckp/forget_a_joke_you_read_on_rjokes/
%
A guy named John was sitting in the back of his French class...

As usual for John, he wasn't doing his work and was drifting off to sleep. His teacher saw this every day, but generally ignored him.
So, as the semester goes by, John does the same thing every day. Then, on one of the last days of the semester, Mrs.Meyers, the French teacher, says to him:
"John, you have been in my class for nearly a semester and yet you have done no work. You are certain to fail my class and you seem to not care at all. I'm so confident that you have learned nothing that if you can say one sentence in French, I will pass you in my class with an A."
John looks up in utter surprise at the proposition and wants to seize the opportunity. But, he knows not a word of French. So, he blurts out the most French sounding thing he can think of:
"I surrender!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mtac8/a_guy_named_john_was_sitting_in_the_back_of_his/
%
Why don't the Germans care about the word, 'nichts'?

It means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mt7xg/why_dont_the_germans_care_about_the_word_nichts/
%
Whats a cannibal?

Someone who is fed up with people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mt5gs/whats_a_cannibal/
%
I wish i was ugly for just one single day..

Because being ugly everyday just sucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mt51l/i_wish_i_was_ugly_for_just_one_single_day/
%
What did the giraffe say to the conspiracy theorist?

Nothing, giraffes aren't real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mt4jz/what_did_the_giraffe_say_to_the_conspiracy/
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Two of my favorite jokes

There's 3 guys standing around a pile of bricks and decide to see who can throw a brick the highest. They can't see how high they go so they decide to see how deep they go into the mud when they land.
The first guy picks up a brick and throws it up, it lands and goes about a foot into the mud.
The second guys like, psh I can beat that, so he picks up a brick and winds up and throws it and when it lands or goes about three feet into the mud.
The third guys like, nah I got this. He throws his brick and it doesn't come down.
~~~~~
A woman is visiting her mother in the other side of the country and wants to bring her parrot but the only flight she can find is a no smoking and no parrots flight.
The woman thinks she can get away with it so she stuffs the parrot in her coat and gets on the flight.
After the plane gets to cruising altitude, the pilot, smoking a big cigar, comes out and walks down the isle talking to the passengers.
He passes by the woman and hears a squawk and says, "what was that?" The woman says "nothing" quickly but the parrot squawks again and the pilot rips her coat open and and says "YOU CANT HAVE A PARROT ON HERE" and throws the parrot out the window. The woman rips the cigar out of the pilots mouth saying "WELL YOU CANT BE SMOKING EITHER" and throws the cigar out the window.
The woman, grumbling, goes back to her seat and the pilot, grumbling, goes back to the cockpit and hears a knock.
He hears it again and looks out the window and see the parrot with the brick in its mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mt49n/two_of_my_favorite_jokes/
%
What's the difference between a good joke and

a bad joke timing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mt1o0/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
%
A man gets on a bus..

A man gets on a bus and starts screaming "WHO IS STEVE?"
A fellow in the back raised his hand and said "I am Steve"
The man went right next to the fellow and started beating the shit out of him. after he finished beating him he got off the bus and the fellow started laughing like a madman. The people on the bus were confused and asked him "why are you laughing you just got beaten up". The fellow said "What a dumbass... I am not Steve".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mt1ax/a_man_gets_on_a_bus/
%
Why did the polynomial tree fall over?

It didn't have any real roots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mt0wj/why_did_the_polynomial_tree_fall_over/
%
I went in to a pet shop.

I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”
The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, "I don't care what astrological sign it is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5msxnu/i_went_in_to_a_pet_shop/
%
Here's a broom go sweep the floors...

'Here's a broom go sweep the floors.'
'But I have a PhD...'
'Oh, I'm sorry, give me the broom, I'll show you how its done.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mswrz/heres_a_broom_go_sweep_the_floors/
%
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the light bulb has to want to change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mswhm/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie.

One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a Kiwi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5msudb/never_confuse_a_kiwi_with_an_aussie/
%
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5msse2/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
%
Did you know there's an Alzhimers epidemic?

I noticed it when I saw how many reposts make it to the front page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5msrjq/did_you_know_theres_an_alzhimers_epidemic/
%
I asked my dad what he thinks of Nihilism...

He said, "Does it matter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5msr5a/i_asked_my_dad_what_he_thinks_of_nihilism/
%
Bill Gates dies in a car accident, He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call;

I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or
Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows
'95. I'm going to do something I've never done
before in your case; I'm going to let you decide
where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between
the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both
places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So bill went to Hell. It was beautiful, clean ,
sandy beach with clear waters and lots of
bikini-clad women running around, playing in the
water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was
shining; the temperature perfect.
He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is
Hell, I really want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels
drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was
nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought
for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell,"
he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St.
Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there,
he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming
amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and
tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing
like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't
believe this is happening! What happened to that
other place, with the beautiful beaches, the
scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"
"Oh, that was a demo" replied St. Peter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5msr4s/bill_gates_dies_in_a_car_accident_he_finds/
%
Pregnancy in the 1940's.

(Doc) - "Mrs. Smith, I have some **great** news for you"....
(Patient) - "Thats MISS Smith, doctor!"....
(Doc) - "Miss Smith, I have some *bad* news for you"....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5msnqs/pregnancy_in_the_1940s/
%
I put a bumper sticker on my car that says "honk if I'm pretty"

Sometimes when I'm sad I go park at green lights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5msmyq/i_put_a_bumper_sticker_on_my_car_that_says_honk/
%
Having Gay parents is the worst.

You either get double the amount of Dad Jokes or stuck in an infinite loop of "Go ask your mother".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5msmib/having_gay_parents_is_the_worst/
%
What do you call 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

A hundred sows and bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mslc0/what_do_you_call_50_female_pigs_and_50_male_deer/
%
What does The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mskxq/what_does_the_sixth_sense_and_titanic_have_in/
%
Timmy walks into class holding his cat

Teacher: "Timmy, why did you bring your cat to school?"
Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, "I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave." so I'm saving him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mskdt/timmy_walks_into_class_holding_his_cat/
%
I hate when people compare Eminem to God

I mean, he's great and all, but he's no Eminem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5msj59/i_hate_when_people_compare_eminem_to_god/
%
What does a former CIA agent who leaked classified information and the city of Boston have in common?

They're both snowed in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5msgtz/what_does_a_former_cia_agent_who_leaked/
%
I made a joke about boomerangs a few minutes ago and no one got it but,

it came around and hit em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mseri/i_made_a_joke_about_boomerangs_a_few_minutes_ago/
%
What's the difference between chocolate and a dead hooker?

You can feed one to your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5msda4/whats_the_difference_between_chocolate_and_a_dead/
%
TIL Albert Einstein married his cousin.

That's how he discovered the theory of relativity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5msc3r/til_albert_einstein_married_his_cousin/
%
Damn autocorrect...

It's always making me say things I didn't Nintendo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ms8c1/damn_autocorrect/
%
What is Hitler's least favorite letter?

C, in fact he lead an entire group called the "Not C's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ms5q2/what_is_hitlers_least_favorite_letter/
%
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ms4z2/a_man_is_buying_a_banana_an_apple_and_two_eggs/
%
I just got an iPhone 7S for my wife

I thought that was a good trade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ms4x8/i_just_got_an_iphone_7s_for_my_wife/
%
I'm really good at making women laugh out loud

When they see me naked for the first time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ms47c/im_really_good_at_making_women_laugh_out_loud/
%
Truck drivers...

Truck drivers are semi skilled workers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ms34v/truck_drivers/
%
A blind man goes into a department store.

A blind man goes into a department store with his seeing eye dog. He walks it to the middle of the store and starts swinging the dog in the air by his leash over his head. Alarmed, the manager of the store runs over to the man and asks, "Excuse me sir, can I help you with something?" "No thanks, I'm just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ms14p/a_blind_man_goes_into_a_department_store/
%
I just read a book called, "Poo is Great".

The pro-log section was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ms08b/i_just_read_a_book_called_poo_is_great/
%
What jobs will AI not replace?

Steve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mryjk/what_jobs_will_ai_not_replace/
%
What do Hitler and teenage girls have in common?

They both use chemicals to remove the polish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mrxt3/what_do_hitler_and_teenage_girls_have_in_common/
%
The god of thunder rides to the top of the mountain atop his noble steed.

Upon reaching the summit, he gets off his horse, raises his hammer to the sky and yells, "I am Thor!"
The horse turns around and says, "That'th cuth you forgot your thaddle thilly!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mrx9y/the_god_of_thunder_rides_to_the_top_of_the/
%
Golf bee sting

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mrqun/golf_bee_sting/
%
They say we know more about the surface of Mars than we do about the bottom of the ocean

which is still twice as much as I know about the second page of a Google Search

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mrq97/they_say_we_know_more_about_the_surface_of_mars/
%
Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth more. He quietly responded, "If I take the dime, they will stop offering me the money. I've made $20 already!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mrq0w/johny_was_offered_a_nickel_or_a_dime/
%
I got accepted into Harvard's medical program

I just have to die first and give them my body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mroxr/i_got_accepted_into_harvards_medical_program/
%
What's the hardest part of telling a good gay joke?

Keeping a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mro4z/whats_the_hardest_part_of_telling_a_good_gay_joke/
%
What borders on silly?

México & Canada

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mrkgl/what_borders_on_silly/
%
what did the homeless man get for christmas?

hypothermia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mrhk7/what_did_the_homeless_man_get_for_christmas/
%
What do you call a street on the Mexican border?

Wall Street

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mrgi9/what_do_you_call_a_street_on_the_mexican_border/
%
How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, '13....13.....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks.
I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14.....14....14....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mrfrm/how_i_learned_to_mind_my_own_business/
%
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?

The outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mr8t8/which_side_of_the_chicken_has_more_feathers/
%
Hey, my band needs a new kazoo player. You interested?

...
Kazoo'd be great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mr8h2/hey_my_band_needs_a_new_kazoo_player_you/
%
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mr7hk/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college_you_wont/
%
Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

A guest notices they are giggling with each other so he gets curious and goes to speak with them.
"What is so funny over here?" Trump replies: " We're planning WWIII"
"WOW, and what exactly are your plans?"
Trump replies: " We're going to kill 14 million muslims and a dentist"
"Huh, why are you killing a dentist?"
Pence taps Trump on the back: "See, I told you no one would ask about the muslims"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mr6b6/donald_trump_and_mike_pence_are_at_a_banquet_at/
%
Take her down to 3000 feet below sea level...

...oops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mr5ct/take_her_down_to_3000_feet_below_sea_level/
%
A man walks into a bar with his dog.

"This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?" he asks.
"You can have one on the house," the bartender says.
The man turns to his dog. "What goes on the top of a house?"
Dog: Roof.
Man: "What does tree bark feel like?"
Dog: Rough.
Man: "Who is the greatest baseball player ever?"
Dog: Ruth.
The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. "That's enough. You and your dog, get out."
After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner. "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mr3eu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_dog/
%
I said 'no' to drugs

But I don't think they're listening

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mr17o/i_said_no_to_drugs/
%
Did you know there are 3 rings in a relationship?

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqy9q/did_you_know_there_are_3_rings_in_a_relationship/
%
A man goes to the doctor for a follow-up on his Deep Vein Thrombosis

Doctor: "So I prescribed you blood thinners last month, have you been taking them?"
Man: "No. I have a great reason why not though"
Doctor: "Aaah! The clot thickens!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqy3q/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_followup_on_his/
%
A man enters a bar with a revolver

He climb up a table, looked around and yell.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SLEPT WITH MY WIFE?!"
The bar went silent for a minute when suddenly a man at the back says.
"you are gonna need more than 6 shots pal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqwlu/a_man_enters_a_bar_with_a_revolver/
%
What's white and in the men's 100m track final?

The lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mquyb/whats_white_and_in_the_mens_100m_track_final/
%
I don't trust people with graph paper

They're always plotting something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqu8r/i_dont_trust_people_with_graph_paper/
%
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding. The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well... Kiss your ass good-bye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqu1b/an_old_man_a_boy_a_donkey_were_going_to_town/
%
People on the Internet are like People in Overwatch

They always take offence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqtr6/people_on_the_internet_are_like_people_in/
%
A Man Goes to Hell...(NSFW)

A man goes to Hell, and is given a choice of which room he wants to spend eternity in. The demon leading him shows the man the first room. Inside are a bunch of people waist deep in shit.
"Nope, not this one" He says.
The demon takes him to the next room. In here everyone is neck deep in shit, desperately keeping their heads above it.
"Whoa, definitely not this one," the man says. The demon leads onward.
In the third room, a few guys and gals are standing knee deep in shit, chatting, smoking, and drinking coffee.
"Alright, this is as good as it's gonna get I suppose," the man says. "I'll stay here."
The demon nods, and shuts him in. The man gets some coffee and a smoke, and starts talking with the others. After about ten minutes the demon pokes his head into the room and says
"Alright fellas, break 's over, heads back in the shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqtnp/a_man_goes_to_hellnsfw/
%
I went on a date with a girl in a wheelchair...

I stood her up, and thats when she fell for me, now were on a roll, I just have to figure out how to ramp it up in the bedroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqq76/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_girl_in_a_wheelchair/
%
Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months?

The box said 2-4 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqlxb/why_did_the_blonde_get_excited_after_finishing/
%
How do you call a Jamaican mountain?

High ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqh9i/how_do_you_call_a_jamaican_mountain/
%
How do you make a strawberry shake?

You put it in the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqgv2/how_do_you_make_a_strawberry_shake/
%
Stranger at the Door

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife. Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. Did you help him? She asks. No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be Ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqfyp/stranger_at_the_door/
%
Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O K," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I FREAKIN' LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqe7u/two_robins_were_sitting_in_a_tree/
%
Gay jokes are not funny

Cum on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqdzd/gay_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREEEEEATHE!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqdl8/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
%
The ice fishing contest

An ice fishing contest is held between Norway and Sweden. The teams from each country get up early and set up their gear at opposite sides of a lake.
After about half an hour, the Norwegians haul up their first fish. The Swedes can hear them cheer from across the lake. Then another one bites, and throughout the day they catch a bunch of fish. The Swedes on the other hand can't even get a nibble.
Thenext day the same thing happens, and the Swedes are yet to catch even one fish while the Norwegians keep hauling up fish after fish. They go home dissappointed and confused.
The third day the Swedes decide to spy on the Norwegians to see if they can find out their secret. One of the team members sneaks around the lake and hides in some bushes near the Norwegian team.
A couple minutes later he comes running back to the others and says "Guys you wont believe this, but they're drilling holes in the ice!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mqaqc/the_ice_fishing_contest/
%
Why do geologists perform so well during intercourse?

They really know how to make bedrock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mq6vh/why_do_geologists_perform_so_well_during/
%
I said hello to a feminist

My court date starts tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mq4s8/i_said_hello_to_a_feminist/
%
Capitalism jokes aren't funny

unless the top 1% gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mq4cl/capitalism_jokes_arent_funny/
%
A pregnant woman

One day a women who is nine months pregnant with triplets was walking down the street. She crosses path with a bank robber and is shot three times in the belly. She is taken to the hospital and gives birth to three healthy babies. 13 years later one of the daughters comes crying into her mom's room really confused because she just peed out a bullet. Her mom came clean about what happened 13 years earlier and calmed her down. A little while later her other daughter comes crying into her room also confused because she peed out a bullet too. Once again the mother had to explain what happened. Shortly after that the lady's son came into her room looking really scared. He said mom I have to tell you something. The mom cuts him off and asked if he peed out a bullet? He said no mom I was jerking off and I shot the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mq2eh/a_pregnant_woman/
%
The real difference between Obama and Trump

Obama makes jokes.
Trump is a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mq217/the_real_difference_between_obama_and_trump/
%
What does an asshole and a nine volt battery have in common

You know it's a bad idea but your tongue is going to touch it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mpxvq/what_does_an_asshole_and_a_nine_volt_battery_have/
%
Listening to music can be dangerous...

Some of the notes are sharp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mpou7/listening_to_music_can_be_dangerous/
%
A Man Gets a Tattoo on his Penis

To show his love for his wife-to-be, a white man got her name tattooed on his dick. Her name was Wendy, thus when fully erect, his dick read "Wendy" but when flaccid, it simply read "Wy". He showed her his new announcement of his love for her and they were quickly married as she was very impressed. All went well and they proceeded to honeymoon on the island of Jamaica. Upon arriving, the newlywed couple noticed that Jamaica had lots of nude beaches. While the newlyweds were tanning, the wife became extremely hot. She asked her husband, "Honey, I'm feeling pretty hot, can you go get me something cool to drink, please?" Willing to please his new wife, he quickly complied. Upon reaching the bar, the white man noticed that a Jamaican native had the letters "W" and "y" on his dick also. Curious, he asked the black man, "Is your wife's name 'Wendy?'" The black man smiled and replied, "No!" The white man showed the black man from Jamaica his penis and asked what the "W" and "y" stood for. The black man winked his eye at the white stranger and replied, "It stands for, 'Welcome to Jamaica man, have a nice day!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mpoq0/a_man_gets_a_tattoo_on_his_penis/
%
What is the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mpl2u/what_is_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_stop/
%
What do a dildo and soybeans have in common?

They're both used as a meat substitute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mpkko/what_do_a_dildo_and_soybeans_have_in_common/
%
A husband was checking his weight on the scale and started sucking his gut in when his wife says "you know that doesn't change anything, right?" He replies "It does too!"

"Now I can see the numbers..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mpjgv/a_husband_was_checking_his_weight_on_the_scale/
%
What you don't want to hear when having great sex

"HONEY!! I'm home !!! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mpjev/what_you_dont_want_to_hear_when_having_great_sex/
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Someone snuck aboard the Death Star and stabbed Darth Vader with a lightsaber.

It was a space in Vader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mpfra/someone_snuck_aboard_the_death_star_and_stabbed/
%
My wife and I were happy for 20 years.

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mpfe5/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_20_years/
%
Why did the armless man fall off his bike?

Because someone threw a washing machine at him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mpd96/why_did_the_armless_man_fall_off_his_bike/
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People keep asking me how I'm doing since moving to North Korea

Eh, can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mpcw8/people_keep_asking_me_how_im_doing_since_moving/
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If you scream three times...

At night, if you lock yourself in a bathroom with lights off and scream Allahu Ackbar three times the CIA will come through your mirror and take you to Guantanamo Bay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mpb36/if_you_scream_three_times/
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A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.

The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and she's built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from a refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hotdog."
"And?" Prompted the doctor.
"Well" said the man, "I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick.  It was a great Idea and everything was going real good, too. Then someone knocked at her door, and she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mparg/a_man_went_to_have_plastic_surgery_on_his_penis/
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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are under and dollar and deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mp9pe/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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What do you call Mussolini's flying saucer?

A dictator ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mp8ad/what_do_you_call_mussolinis_flying_saucer/
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I'm sick and tired of the jokes on this sub, so I'm going to kill my foot.

Yeah, that's right. I'm putting my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mp7le/im_sick_and_tired_of_the_jokes_on_this_sub_so_im/
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I was raped by a group of mimes

They did unspeakable things to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mp6v7/i_was_raped_by_a_group_of_mimes/
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What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

Wataaaah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mp2e4/whats_bruce_lees_favorite_drink/
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Once there was a man with a little penis..

No girl would sleep with him and he just wanted to end his life, then his friend told him about a Sage who lived on the peak of Himalayas, that he had a mantra which could help him.
Without wasting time the man left for Himalayas. On his was up to the peak he found a huge boulder blocking the path.
He shouted "*Is anybody there?! Sage?! I need your help..*"
The Sage heard his voice and threw some kind of a rope, which the man used to climb up.He gave him an oil and a mantra, with some instructions.
Within a month the man's penis grew and he went back to thank the Sage.
He asked "*Sage, you have the oil and the mantra.. Why don't you use it on yourself?*
The sage replied "*What the fuck do you think you used to climb up the mountain!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mp1oc/once_there_was_a_man_with_a_little_penis/
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An Army Ranger was on vacation...

...in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"
TL:DR Field Day your room, SgtMaj is checking rooms tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mp1ih/an_army_ranger_was_on_vacation/
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Why are constipated people so rude?

They don't give a crap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mp03w/why_are_constipated_people_so_rude/
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Two fish are sitting in a tank.

One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mozl4/two_fish_are_sitting_in_a_tank/
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Wanna hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mozet/wanna_hear_a_word_i_just_made_up/
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Exercising when you get older is so important!

My granny started walking 5 miles a day when she turned 65.
Now she's 92 and we don't know where the hell she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5moyaf/exercising_when_you_get_older_is_so_important/
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A baby boy born without eyelids...

Recently at a baby boy was born prematurely without eyelids. The doctors decided to take him off to surgery and circumcise him and use the skin removed to make new eyelids.
The surgery went great except he came out a little cocked eyed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5moxyr/a_baby_boy_born_without_eyelids/
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Statistically speaking...

6/7 dwarfs aren't happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5moxe1/statistically_speaking/
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Seven has the word 'even' in it...

...which is odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mox3h/seven_has_the_word_even_in_it/
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Every ten seconds, someone in London gets stabbed

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5movyr/every_ten_seconds_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed/
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What do you call security guards working at a Samsung's store ?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5movge/what_do_you_call_security_guards_working_at_a/
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If Shakespeare was a pun master

Then he would make a play on words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5moufu/if_shakespeare_was_a_pun_master/
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Why can't you hear a psychologist go to the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5moryv/why_cant_you_hear_a_psychologist_go_to_the/
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"I already know Russian"

A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book. The KGB says "What are you reading old man?" The old man says "I am trying to teach myself Hebrew." KGB says "Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done." "I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven." the old man replies. "But what if when you die you go to Hell?" asks KGB. And the old man replies, "Russian, I already know." Larry Rasczak Dan Sweeney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5moqyv/i_already_know_russian/
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1 out of 3 is good enough

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"
The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"
The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"
The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."
The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"
The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5moptn/1_out_of_3_is_good_enough/
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A couple is asleep when suddenly the wife wakes up. "Honey wake up. I just had a really strange dream," she says.

The husband asked what the dream was about and
she explained that she dreamt she was at a
penis auction.
"A PENIS AUCTION?" he asked.
She replied, "Yeah, the real big ones were going
for a thousand dollars and the smaller ones
started the bidding at about 500 dollars." He
looked at his wife and asked what a penis his
size went for?
She told him they wouldn’t even bid on his.
The next night the husband wakes up and tells his
wife he had a dream that he was at a pussy
auction. He tells her that the real tight ones
were going for a thousand dollars and the kinda-
loose-ones were going for 500 dollars. She looks
at him and says what would one like mine go for?
He turns and tells her, "THATS WHERE WE HELD THE
AUCTION."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5molzj/a_couple_is_asleep_when_suddenly_the_wife_wakes/
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I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today

Should have cooked it on aloha teperature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5molg9/i_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
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Jesus sits at his last supper

*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*open jar of mayo*
Judas: I'm gonna have to stop you right there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5moknt/jesus_sits_at_his_last_supper/
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What do Caps Lock and prison have in common?

A minor touch and you get capital punishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mofrt/what_do_caps_lock_and_prison_have_in_common/
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What does Godzilla do part time when he's not destroying cities?

He flips houses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mofcj/what_does_godzilla_do_part_time_when_hes_not/
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In university I was going to join the Debate Team,

but someone talked me out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mof4p/in_university_i_was_going_to_join_the_debate_team/
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What is yellow and smells like red paint?

Yellow paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5moazd/what_is_yellow_and_smells_like_red_paint/
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How do you keep a violin from getting stolen?

Put it in a viola case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5moanl/how_do_you_keep_a_violin_from_getting_stolen/
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What do you call a group of Mexicans smoking weed?

Baked beans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5moae2/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_mexicans_smoking_weed/
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Why did God make farts smell?

So that deaf people could enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mo9dp/why_did_god_make_farts_smell/
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A met a girl with 12 nipples

Sounds weird. Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mo6es/a_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
%
Fact: In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine.

Fortunately, my wi-fi came back on just as I was filling the cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mo64x/fact_in_a_survival_situation_you_can_drink_your/
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What did the killer whale do when the boat came?

Swallowed all the seamen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mo49u/what_did_the_killer_whale_do_when_the_boat_came/
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I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."

Then I said, "turn left."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mo42e/i_was_in_a_cab_today_and_the_cab_driver_said_i/
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"Women will soon become the best gender at driving..."

That is, after they kill all men, of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mo2k4/women_will_soon_become_the_best_gender_at_driving/
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How do you blow up an Indian ?

Press the red button on their forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mo20l/how_do_you_blow_up_an_indian/
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Girl are you a school?

Because I wanna shoot some kids in you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mny9g/girl_are_you_a_school/
%
My wife asked me to grow a beard

I didn't like it at first but it's really growing on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mnx0j/my_wife_asked_me_to_grow_a_beard/
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A worthless joke from a worthless redditor

A dog went out swimming one day and in the distance saw someone calling out for him. He swam over and as the figure became clearer he realized it was a mermaid. She gave him a loudspeaker which had been on her lap and asked him to carry it down to an underwater care for her friend's party. The dog obliged and when he swam through the cave entrance everyone was glad to see the mermaid gave them such a good subwoofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mnwfv/a_worthless_joke_from_a_worthless_redditor/
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What does a Boston terrier sound like?

Bahk bahk. Wicked bahk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mnw5l/what_does_a_boston_terrier_sound_like/
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I was speaking to a black man the other day, when I said I suffered from Deuteranopia he asked 'Are you being racist?'

I said 'no, I don't see colour'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mnu89/i_was_speaking_to_a_black_man_the_other_day_when/
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How did the Muslim find the goat in the field?

Very Satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mnt7i/how_did_the_muslim_find_the_goat_in_the_field/
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A man goes to a gun store.

A man in a small town goes to a gun store to buy a new scope for his rifle. The store is located atop a hill that is only a short distance from his home. The clerk starts his sale pitch.
Clerk: "This is the best scope we sell. You'll be able to hit any target up to a mile away."
Man: "That's spectacular! My house is located at the bottom of this hill. Do you mind if a use the scope to look at it before I make my purchase?"
Clerk: "Fine by me. I know you'll love it."
The man attaches the scope to his rifle and looks down at his house. What he sees infuriates him. His wife is running around naked with another man.
Man: "That bitch!"
The man hands the rifle to the clerk and tells him to look. The clerk sees the two naked people and shakes his head.
Clerk: "That's unfortunate sir"
Man: "Tell me about it!"
The man hands the clerk two bullets for his rifle.
Clerk: "What's this?"
Man: "I promise to buy that scope for three times the price if you can shoot my wife in the head and that man in the dick."
The clerk looks back through the scope and smirks.
He hands a bullet back to the man and says:
"I'll only need one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mnsgd/a_man_goes_to_a_gun_store/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger has made a pretty good career for himself in pest control...

They say he's a great ex-terminator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mnrvk/arnold_schwarzenegger_has_made_a_pretty_good/
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A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps.

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mno06/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctors_complaining_of/
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From my 9 year old: What do you and Tatooine have in common?

You both have two sons\suns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mnmwa/from_my_9_year_old_what_do_you_and_tatooine_have/
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A little girl comes home with $20

And runs straight to her mum
"mummy look! A boy gave me $20 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"
The mum replied
"honey, he's just doing that so he can see your underwear. Don't fall for their tricks!"
The next day the girl comes home with $50
"mummy look! The same boy gave me $50 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"
The mum replied
"didn't i tell you not to! He's just doing that to see your underwear!"
The girl responded
"don't worry mum, i took my underwear off this time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mniad/a_little_girl_comes_home_with_20/
%
Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mnh66/communism_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
What do you call an insignificant underage coal digger?

A minor minor miner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mng4v/what_do_you_call_an_insignificant_underage_coal/
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What do the African nations Zimbabwe, Tanzania, Mozambique, Zambia, and Swaziland have in common?

A lot of da Z's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mndik/what_do_the_african_nations_zimbabwe_tanzania/
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What is the similarity between Caps Lock and prison?

They both turn "o" into "O".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mnc4n/what_is_the_similarity_between_caps_lock_and/
%
A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night

"Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"
"I've had 8 drinks, officer."
"That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mnc0c/a_police_man_pulls_over_a_car_in_the_middle_of/
%
Is that your cat?

No, she's adopted. Me and my boyfriend, we can't have cats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mnbr0/is_that_your_cat/
%
My dog only responds to commands in Spanish

He's Espanyol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mnadp/my_dog_only_responds_to_commands_in_spanish/
%
Blonde Burns

A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor. "I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear." "'What about the other ear and your hand?" the doctor asked. She replied, "I tried to call for an ambulance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mna5n/blonde_burns/
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Have you heard about the fire in the shoe factory?

Hundreds of soles were lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mn9sf/have_you_heard_about_the_fire_in_the_shoe_factory/
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It remains a puzzle . . .

It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mn8e8/it_remains_a_puzzle/
%
"Doctor, I heard one can get AIDS in the public toilets! Is that true?!"

"Yes, it is possible, but quite uncomfortable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mn81g/doctor_i_heard_one_can_get_aids_in_the_public/
%
I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of money at me

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to rub it in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mn7l1/i_hate_it_when_homeless_people_shake_their_cups/
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Why can't antijokes go to the prom?

Because there might be a punchline!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mn57l/why_cant_antijokes_go_to_the_prom/
%
What does popcorn and KFC have in common?

Greasy, old kernals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mn447/what_does_popcorn_and_kfc_have_in_common/
%
A man asks his boss for the day off...

"I must take today off sir, I am going to be a father"
The boss says sure and congratulates him
The next day the man comes back to work and meets his boss
"So do you have a baby boy or girl now?" The boss asks
The man says, "I don't know, ask me again in 9 months"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mn32v/a_man_asks_his_boss_for_the_day_off/
%
How do you know if a Chinaman robbed your house?

Your homework is done and your computer is upgraded, but two hours later he is still trying to back out of your driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mn2gb/how_do_you_know_if_a_chinaman_robbed_your_house/
%
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas."

She continues "Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mn28r/an_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_i_have/
%
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest seated beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mn1wc/a_distinguished_young_woman_on_a_flight_from/
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What do me and Mariah Carey have in common?

Neither of us know the words to any of her songs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mmyhv/what_do_me_and_mariah_carey_have_in_common/
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What is the difference between most of these jokes on this sub and a bucket full of shit?

The bucket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mmyda/what_is_the_difference_between_most_of_these/
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Whats the difference between Facebook and Reddit?

About two hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mmxsa/whats_the_difference_between_facebook_and_reddit/
%
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow thrower?

Give her a shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mmx0n/how_do_you_turn_a_dishwasher_into_a_snow_thrower/
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Great Russian joke

Four mothers; German, Italian, French, and Russian are in a maternity ward ready to pick up their babies. It just so happens, the nurse doesn't know which baby is which. So the Italian mother walks up to a crib and takes out a slice of pizza. One of the babies moves its hands forward. "That's mine" says the Italian mother and picks it up. Next, the German mother walks up and says "Heil Hitler." Immediately, one of the babies makes a Nazi salute and the German mother picks it up. Next, the Russian mother walks up, doesn't say or do anything, and just takes one of the babies.
"Hold on," says the French mother, "how can you be so sure that it's your baby. For all I know, it might be mine"
"It IS mine" says the Russian mother "when the German mother said 'Heil Hitler', my baby made an angry face, and yours shit itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mmv8m/great_russian_joke/
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Be polite to every idiot you meet.

He could be your boss tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mmq2k/be_polite_to_every_idiot_you_meet/
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I go to a muscular dystrophy support group.

We meet weakly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mmnuz/i_go_to_a_muscular_dystrophy_support_group/
%
A guy asks a bartender for a shot

After drinking it, the guys looks into his pocket and says, "Hit me again."
The bartender pours more liquor into the mans shot glass. The man takes the shot, looks into his pocket, and says, "Hit me again."
5 shots laters, the bartender asks the man, "Sir, why do you keep looking into your pocket?"
The man replies, "Well, you see, I have a picture of my wife in here. And when she looks good to me, I'll go home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mmnrz/a_guy_asks_a_bartender_for_a_shot/
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Little Johnny

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mmlzp/little_johnny/
%
A plane is going down and the only way to save it is for some people to jump.

So the stewardess upon instructions from the pilot picks several random people to be sacrificial lambs; a Briton, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American. The Briton opens the door and with the scream "God save the Queen" jumps from the plane. The Frenchman says "Vive la France" and jumps. The American says, "Make America Great Again" and pushes the Mexican out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mmhq1/a_plane_is_going_down_and_the_only_way_to_save_it/
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Traffic wardens are so nice in my area...

they always leave notes on my car like 'Parking fine'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mmbys/traffic_wardens_are_so_nice_in_my_area/
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The Strange Sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mm8lz/the_strange_sound/
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What did the gymnast and the grad student have in common?

The both had an outstanding balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mm5vd/what_did_the_gymnast_and_the_grad_student_have_in/
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Pasta Diet

1.. You walk pasta bakery.
2.. You walk pasta candy store.
3.. You walk pasta Ice Cream shop.
4.. You walk pasta fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mm2o9/pasta_diet/
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A man came to my door earlier and asked for a small donation towards the town's new swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mm202/a_man_came_to_my_door_earlier_and_asked_for_a/
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Three guys are on a boat and have 4 cigarettes

But have no matches or lighters to light it with. What do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mm0zp/three_guys_are_on_a_boat_and_have_4_cigarettes/
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Did you know that Helen Keller lived in a huge mansion?

Neither did she

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mlxyo/did_you_know_that_helen_keller_lived_in_a_huge/
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Women and rocks are a lot alike.

We skip the flat ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mlxpq/women_and_rocks_are_a_lot_alike/
%
How are toy trains and boobs similar?

Both are made for the kid, but daddy ends up playing with them more often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mlw5z/how_are_toy_trains_and_boobs_similar/
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The doctor told me I only had 2 years to live so I shot him

The judge gave me 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mlw3h/the_doctor_told_me_i_only_had_2_years_to_live_so/
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What is the difference between an art student and a dead baby?

The dead baby can feed a family of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mlu08/what_is_the_difference_between_an_art_student_and/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common...

It's a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mlt9i/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
Do you know who loves getting fisted?

Sock puppets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mlt10/do_you_know_who_loves_getting_fisted/
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What do you say to the cashier when you're adamant about using an expired coupon?

dis counts!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mlsd3/what_do_you_say_to_the_cashier_when_youre_adamant/
%
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a psychiatrist and told him I've got problems.
"Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit" replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it and if needed, I will come back to you" I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A barman cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV".
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said "and how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed... ain't nobody under there now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mlsbh/ever_since_i_was_a_child_ive_always_had_a_fear_of/
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I repaired my drums after my son broke it...

Now he has to deal with the repercussions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mlk4w/i_repaired_my_drums_after_my_son_broke_it/
%
My roommate is really dedicated to dental hygiene

just last night I heard her using an electric toothbrush for what seemed like an hour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mljgm/my_roommate_is_really_dedicated_to_dental_hygiene/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees someone sitting alone, wearing a Trump hat.

The man strolls in and declares to the bartender, " I want to buy everyone in here a free round of drinks, except for the jerk in the Trump hat". The man wearing the hat dips his head and says "Thank you." Finding this annoying, he orders another around, again specifying that the man with the Trump hat is not to be served a free drink. Again, the man with the hat kindly thanks him.
Furious, the man berates the bartender. "Who the hell is that bastard, and why does he keep thanking me?" The bartender looks over and says, "Oh, that's the business owner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mliby/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_someone_sitting/
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mlgb5/there_was_this_guy_at_a_bar_just_looking_at_his/
%
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mlfnb/a_doctor_and_a_lawyer_were_talking_at_a_party/
%
A fellow was boasting that he was born an Englishman and would die an Englishman.

A passing Scot overheard and stopped to ask,
"Dear God, man, have ye no ambition?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mlcsz/a_fellow_was_boasting_that_he_was_born_an/
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Sherlock was convicted for child molestation

A disgusted Watson visited him in prison, and said, "I cannot believe you were caught exposing yourself to a child in high school!"
"Elementary, my dear Watson..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ml9ku/sherlock_was_convicted_for_child_molestation/
%
What do the Hindenberg, the Titanic and Hillary Clinton have in common?

Going down on any of them would be horrifying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ml7u1/what_do_the_hindenberg_the_titanic_and_hillary/
%
An elderly lady is sitting in a wheelchair ....

A young man approaches and asks her what her last wish is, she says "I've never been kissed" so he kisses her. "Any more last wishes?" He asks, "I've never been fucked" she replies, so the young man takes her to the river side and leaves her there. "Well you're fucked now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ml6b2/an_elderly_lady_is_sitting_in_a_wheelchair/
%
You must be single.

A young woman was shopping at her local supermarket. She puts her items on the conveyer: A toothbrush, toothpaste, a half-gallon of 2% milk and a frozen pizza. The cashier calmly states, "You must be single." The woman looks at her items and back to the cashier, "Wow! How did you know that?" The cashier responds, "Because you you're ugly AF."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ml5f5/you_must_be_single/
%
Poor Hillary Clinton...

I haven't seen someone hit a glass ceiling this hard since Goose from Top Gun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ml2wr/poor_hillary_clinton/
%
Father and son free a genie and he promises them 3 wishes...

The father starts explaining "Son, these wishes are very precious, we have to think before" but the son says without hasitation "Give me a hedgehog!" Genie snaps his fingers and there is a hedgehog. The father loses it and facepalms "Fuck the hedgehog." Suddenly the genie cries in agonizing pain: " I'll give you three more if you make this stop!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ml19h/father_and_son_free_a_genie_and_he_promises_them/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mkw2k/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
What did the clock do when it was hungry?

Went back 4 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mkufp/what_did_the_clock_do_when_it_was_hungry/
%
"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... Because I always back up my rage with facts and well documented sources"

-The Credible Hulk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mkr3l/you_wouldnt_like_me_when_im_angry_because_i/
%
How do you stop an Ethiopian tank with a gun?

Shoot the people pushing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mkq2e/how_do_you_stop_an_ethiopian_tank_with_a_gun/
%
A man went to visit his 90 year old Grandfather

. His Grandfather lived in a very remote, secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night at the house, his Grandfather prepared a breakfast of eggs and bacon. As the man was eating he noticed a film like substance on the plate, and he asked, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
His Grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em, so go on and finish your meal."
Later on that day, Grandfather prepared a lunch of hamburger steak and new potatoes. As the man was eating he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolk. Concerned about his health, he asked again, "Grandfather, are you sure that these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his plate, his Grandfather replied, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get 'em, now don't ask me about it any more!"
That evening, the man decided to go out to a restaurant for dinner in a nearby town. As he walked toward his car, his Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather," the man complained, "your dog won't let me by."
Without diverting his attention from the Mariners game on television, Grandfather shouted- "Coldwater! Get up and move out of the way and let the boy pass!"..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mkobq/a_man_went_to_visit_his_90_year_old_grandfather/
%
What did the depressed muppet say?

I want to Kermit suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mko3k/what_did_the_depressed_muppet_say/
%
I invented a new sex position called "The Donald"

You grab her by the pussy and fling her over a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mkkkn/i_invented_a_new_sex_position_called_the_donald/
%
A man was pulled over by a terrorist

The terrorist said " If you are not Islam, you will die"
The man raised his hands and said "I am a muslim"
The terrorist then shouted "Prove it, recite a verse from the Quran"
The man recited "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. "
The terrorist waved him off. The man's passenger looked at his friend in confusion and asked "How did you know a verse from the Quran?"
The man then responded "If these dumbasses ever read the Quran properly, they wouldn't be doing this shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mkkb7/a_man_was_pulled_over_by_a_terrorist/
%
A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mkji9/a_blonde_tries_to_solve_a/
%
How do you confuse a gay person?

Raccoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mkh2y/how_do_you_confuse_a_gay_person/
%
Not tonight dear, I have a headache

A Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.
Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?
Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.
'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'
Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.'
The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.
Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!'
The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.
The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!'
Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood ... Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mkgsw/not_tonight_dear_i_have_a_headache/
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What do you call a cancer doctor who works 24/7?

An on-call-ogist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mkf3v/what_do_you_call_a_cancer_doctor_who_works_247/
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Senior citizen with new Corvette

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him. No problem!, thought the elderly nut case as he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mkdmd/senior_citizen_with_new_corvette/
%
My wife said that I need to pay more attention to what's going on around me.

So, in 2010, I'm going to try harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mkajf/my_wife_said_that_i_need_to_pay_more_attention_to/
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A Social Worker, a lawyer, and a priest were on a plane full of children... (NSFW)

The plane loses an engine and starts to go down. The social worker says "We have to save the kids" . The lawyer says "Fuck the kids!".
The priest says "Do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mk8ne/a_social_worker_a_lawyer_and_a_priest_were_on_a/
%
What's a pirates favorite letter?

You think it be arrrrrrgh, but it be the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mk4tb/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
Virginity is like a car

You really want to keep it but a black guy is gonna take it anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mk3eq/virginity_is_like_a_car/
%
Anal is like your first car

You don't really want it, but your step dad gives it to you anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mk01n/anal_is_like_your_first_car/
%
It's so cold in Michigan right now.

The politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mk00p/its_so_cold_in_michigan_right_now/
%
$10 COMPLAINT

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mjz89/10_complaint/
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A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mjz7i/a_lot_of_woman_actually_turn_into_good_drivers/
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Why are Americans so bad at MOBA games (League of Legends, Dota, Heroes of the storm, etc.)?

They can't defend towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mjxgc/why_are_americans_so_bad_at_moba_games_league_of/
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Adam and Eve were talking to God....

He told them, "I have two things remaining to separate men from women and I'm going to let you choose." He looked at Adam, "I'm going to let you choose first...the first thing is the ability to pee standing up." Adam didn't hesitate...."Yes, I want that one!" God gifted man with the ability to pee standing up and Adam quickly ran off to write his name in the sand. Then, God turned to Eve..."Well, Eve, I guess that leaves you with multiple orgasms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mjvr9/adam_and_eve_were_talking_to_god/
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One day you're going to meet the girl of your dreams

And she won't want your money
She won't want your house, or your car
She won't want you either ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mjt16/one_day_youre_going_to_meet_the_girl_of_your/
%
What did the Jamaican man say when asked why he didn't mind going to jail for stealing the Pikachu card?

I love the pokey, mon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mjk30/what_did_the_jamaican_man_say_when_asked_why_he/
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Feminists hate words with masculine-sounding roots...

...maybe that's why none of them have any manners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mjiov/feminists_hate_words_with_masculinesounding_roots/
%
Just went sledding for the first time

I liked it until I got on the sled. It was all down hill from there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mji43/just_went_sledding_for_the_first_time/
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What did the chef say when he noticed his scales were broken?

No weigh...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mjhlg/what_did_the_chef_say_when_he_noticed_his_scales/
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Bring me a beer before it begins!

Dad loves to tell this joke whenever he gets the opportunity:
A guy comes home, takes off his coat and make his way to the  living room. He turns on the tv and catches a game. He sits on his favorite couch then kick back and relax.   He then adress his wife in the kitchen "Honey! bring me a cold one from the fridge befores it begins !"
And so the wife brings him a beer from the fridge which he prompty drinks.
"Honey! an other cold one befores it begins", the man says again.
And the wife brings him a second beer, which the man also drinks   in a few sips.
"Honey! bring me an other one befor..." He starts.
To which the wife starts shouting, "Ever since you've arrived   you've been relaxing on the couch and drinking beer while I'm   preparing the meal for the both of us even though I also had a shitty day at work and..."
-There, now it begins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mjgxl/bring_me_a_beer_before_it_begins/
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I like my girls how I like my wine

Ten-fifteen years old and locked in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mjeyn/i_like_my_girls_how_i_like_my_wine/
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Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mj9uy/man_walks_into_his_bedroom_with_a_sheep_under_his/
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What happens when an angle gets itself into a car wreck?

The angle becomes a rectangle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mj6ow/what_happens_when_an_angle_gets_itself_into_a_car/
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It's not curiosity that killed the cat

... it was procatstination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mj64c/its_not_curiosity_that_killed_the_cat/
%
Why do lesbians shop at sports authority?

Because the don't like dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mizpm/why_do_lesbians_shop_at_sports_authority/
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A guilt-ridden young man went to a priest to confess

He sat in the confessional box and the priest asked from the other side, "What is troubling you?"
"Well," said the young man, "I was with this woman and I was overcome with lust for her, and... well... we went somewhere a little more private...."
"Were you intimate with her?" The priest asked.
"Oh, no!" Said the young man. "We rubbed against each other, but I didnt put it in."
"Rubbing against each other is the same as putting it in." Said the priest. "Say 5 'Our Fathers' and put 20 in the donation box on your way out."
The young man said his "Our Father's", and took out a 20. He thought for a second, and just rubbed the bill on the outside on the box before pocketing it.
"Hold on." Said the priest. "You didn't put the 20 in the box."
"No," said the young man. "But I rubbed it on the outside, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5miym8/a_guiltridden_young_man_went_to_a_priest_to/
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I like to do the same thing to my girlfriend that I do with my drum set

Pretend that I have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mixr5/i_like_to_do_the_same_thing_to_my_girlfriend_that/
%
What do you call a hip French black guy?

Látrill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mixa5/what_do_you_call_a_hip_french_black_guy/
%
Damn girl, are you a math book?

Girl:No, why?
Because you've got so many problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5miwgj/damn_girl_are_you_a_math_book/
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As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers

When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5miufl/as_a_woman_its_annoying_when_men_think_they_are/
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Son: "Dad! My lsd is missing!"

Dad: "We have bigger problems son, there's a dragon in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mitl8/son_dad_my_lsd_is_missing/
%
I just watched a film where a man's wife is brutally murdered and his son is left physically disabled...

...Then in a twisted turn of events, his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
Finding Nemo is a real thriller!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5misjf/i_just_watched_a_film_where_a_mans_wife_is/
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So I saw that Princess Diana is trending on tumblr.

She's all over the dashboard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5min8o/so_i_saw_that_princess_diana_is_trending_on_tumblr/
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Q: What's red and really bad for your teeth?

A: A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5min30/q_whats_red_and_really_bad_for_your_teeth/
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Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mikwl/sometimes_it_is_very_important_if_a_sentence_was/
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Thor gets drunk, blacks out and wakes up next to a man.

Confused, he looks at the man and says, "I AM THOR."
And they guy says, "You think you're thore, my ath is killing me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mikq9/thor_gets_drunk_blacks_out_and_wakes_up_next_to_a/
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What's the incest equivalent of a gang bang?

A fam bam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mijwv/whats_the_incest_equivalent_of_a_gang_bang/
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Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first?

So the men can plug the leak, sail away, and start better lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5miilk/why_do_we_let_women_and_children_off_a_sinking/
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Two cowboys were riding their horses through the plains when they saw an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

See that Indian? One of the Cowboys said.  "He can hear everything that's going on for miles around."
They rode up to him, and the Indian said, "white pickup. Four people in the front, six in the back.  Big party."
"Wow" the other cowboy said.  "You can tell all that from just listening to the ground?"
"Nah, I fell off the back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5middh/two_cowboys_were_riding_their_horses_through_the/
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A black man with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar.

"That's so cool" says the bartender, "where did you get it?"
"Africa" replies the parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mid47/a_black_man_with_a_parrot_on_his_shoulder_walks/
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2 Men Are Walking Down The Street Late At Night...

The street is full of pubs on both side. One man turns to the other.
''You want to get a drink?''
''Yeah, sure. D'you have any money on you?'' He looks in his pocket for a bit, and takes out a £5 note.
''I've got this, but it won't be enough to get us drunk.''
''That's fine, I've got an idea.'' He takes the £5 and walks across to a hot dog stand on the other side of the street. He buys a hotdog but throws away the bun.
The other guy is furious.
''What the fuck are you doing!? You just spent all our money on a fucking hotdog and you don't even eat the whole thing!?''
''Just follow me.'' The two walk into the nearest pub and go up to the bar. The barman looks up.
''Alright, what can I get you?''
''Can we have two pints of lager please?'' Barman reaches and gets two pint glasses, goes over to the tap and fills them up to the top. He places them onto the bar in front of the men.
''That'll be-'' Before he can finish, the two men have picked up their glasses and have already started drinking them. ''Oi, you haven't fucking paid for those yet!''
The man with the hotdog puts down his glass, unzips his fly and places the hotdog in his trousers so that it pokes out. He looks at the other man and nods. The second man nods back and gets down on his knees in front of his friend and begins sucking the hotdog. The barman looks disgusted. ''Right, out! You can do that shit anywhere else but not in my fucking pub!''
The two men run out the door back onto the street. The second man laughs and claps the first on the back.
''That was brilliant. Come on, let's do that again!'' The men continue this for the rest of the street.
After the tenth pub, it's fair to say that they are piss drunk. They stumble out onto the streets. The second man looks at the first. ''I'm quite hungry. Can I have that hotdog now?''
The first man looks at him.
''Oh, the hotdog? Well, you see I got hungry a few pubs back...''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mi7gz/2_men_are_walking_down_the_street_late_at_night/
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McDonald's

Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mi3v6/mcdonalds/
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I tried to force feed my child

After a few minutes my wife said "Use a fucking spoon you dumbass, you're not a Jedi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mi2z3/i_tried_to_force_feed_my_child/
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I learned an interesting fact about the Titanic today

The swimming pools on it are still full of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mi2ua/i_learned_an_interesting_fact_about_the_titanic/
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Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mi2tg/country_politics/
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Q1: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No eye deer.
Q2: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye deer!
Q3: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
A: Still no fucking eye deer!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mi2oa/q1_what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
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Turn your phone upside down to read the following message.

sapnu puas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mi1q0/turn_your_phone_upside_down_to_read_the_following/
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What's the most popular game at a nursing home?

Guess who

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mi0yk/whats_the_most_popular_game_at_a_nursing_home/
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Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mi006/donald_trump_was_asked_if_he_could_quote_any/
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The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar

It was tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhypi/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
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We're supposed to get snow,

But right now it's still up in the air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhxfx/were_supposed_to_get_snow/
%
Are you in a serious relationship with a rock?

If you are, don't take it for granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhuny/are_you_in_a_serious_relationship_with_a_rock/
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What do you call an unidentified ginger bread man?

John Dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhts6/what_do_you_call_an_unidentified_ginger_bread_man/
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I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhrut/i_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_chef_for_stealing/
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Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhq5y/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_who_stole_a/
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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One of them turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you"
The other cannibal replies, "no"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhmrs/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
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I invented a new sex position called the JFK

I splatter all over her while she feverishly tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhkx9/i_invented_a_new_sex_position_called_the_jfk/
%
The best part of dating a homeless girl is

You can drop her off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhkt4/the_best_part_of_dating_a_homeless_girl_is/
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Bunch of great Latvian jokes

* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “
* Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.
* 1st Latvian: Is so cold. - 2nd Latvian: How cold is? - 1st Latvian: Very. Also dark.
* 1st Latvian: Knock knock - 2nd Latvian: Who’s there? - 1st Latvian: Latvian. - 2nd Latvian: Latvian who? - 1st Latvian: Please open door. Is cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhifa/bunch_of_great_latvian_jokes/
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How can you tell your girlfriend is getting to fat?

She can wear  your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhhvx/how_can_you_tell_your_girlfriend_is_getting_to_fat/
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So two guys are driving in the middle of nowhere...

And their car breaks down.
They had no cell service, so they started walking. Eventually they come upon a house surrounded by fields of fruit. They knock on the front door and say to the man who answered the door. "Hey man, our car broke down a couple miles back and it's getting late. Do you have a place for us to stay tonight?"
The fruit farmer replied "Sure you can sleep in the barn, but don't even think about coming in my house and fucking my daughter."
The two grateful men instantly agree. I mean, how hard could it be not to sleep with someone? Just before they leave to the barn, the farmer's daughter walked downstairs. They each got a glimpse of her luscious blonde hair and long golden legs. As they walk to the barn they agree to sneak in the house during the night and tag team her.
The next day, the fruit farmer, who had heard the ruckus the night before said, "Since you motherfuckers disobeyed me, I want each of you to go out into my fields and pick a hundred pieces of your favorite fruit."
Confused and relieved, the two men joyfully set out to complete their tasks. The first guy came back with a hundred cherries. To his surprise he found himself staring at a double-barrelled shotgun.
The farmer said, "Shove them all up your ass."
The man said, "Fuck no, what's wrong with you?"
The farmer pressed the barrel against the side of his head and growled, "Cherries in your ass, or you die."
The man reluctantly drops his pants and tenderly pops the cherry into his anus. 10 cherries and he starts to sweat. 25 cherries in and he starts to giggle. By the time he gets to 40 cherries he's laughing hysterically and shits all the cherries out.
The unamused farmer gets into the laughing man's face and says, "What's so funny gigglybits?"
The man stops laughing just enough to choke out, "My dumbass friend is out there picking watermelons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhg8e/so_two_guys_are_driving_in_the_middle_of_nowhere/
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What do nuns do when they're horny?

They cum to Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhdhm/what_do_nuns_do_when_theyre_horny/
%
Three cats are competing in a race...

An American cat named "One two three," a German cat named "Ein zwei drei," and a French cat named "Une deux trois." The cats all swim across a lake with the American cat coming in first and the German cat coming in second but the French cat is missing.
Why?
Because Une deux trois quatre cinq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhdgs/three_cats_are_competing_in_a_race/
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A man visits his local dentist.

Dentist: Now please take a seat, this will hurt a little.
Patient: Ok.
Dentist: I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhbvo/a_man_visits_his_local_dentist/
%
How do you calm down a grammar Nazi?

There they're their...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mhb78/how_do_you_calm_down_a_grammar_nazi/
%
One Day, All the Children in Ms. Jennifer's Class Were Learning About Politics

Ms. Jennifer began the lesson, "We'll start with the liberal party. Liberals believe in equality for all and that everything should be fair."
Now, this sounded pretty grand to all the first graders, so when Ms. Jennifer asked, "Which of you are Liberals like me?" The result was nearly unanimous! After all, the teacher must be right, right?
That was what the entire class thought,  anyhow. The entire class, except little Lucy. The teacher noticed her in the back, chin held high, and hand held down, and asked her, "Lucy, why don't you have your hand up like the rest of the class?"
Lucy said, "Well, I believe in the free capitalist market, and my mother is a conservative, and my father is a conservative, so I'm a conservative too!"
The teacher, quite miffed now at this defiance, said, "Well that's no kind of reasoning at all! What if your mother was a moron and your father was a moron?"
She chewed on her lip for a moment, then replied, "Well, I suppose I'd be a Liberal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mh724/one_day_all_the_children_in_ms_jennifers_class/
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Railroad tracks, a horses ass... and rockets! [Long]

The US standard railroad gauge (the distance between two rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches... an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because a number of the early railroad lines in the US were built to fit standard-gauge locomotives manufactured by English railroad pioneer George Stephenson.  The English expatriates who immigrated to America built them to the same dimension they had built them in England.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and thats the same gauge they used.
Why did "they" use the gauge for tramways then?
Because the people who built the tramwys used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which also used that wheel spacing.
OK!  Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on the old long-distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of those wheel ruts.  If you wheel spacing didn't match the old ruts, your wheels would quickly self-destruct.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long-distance roads in Europe and in England for legions.  Those roads have been in use ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.  Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all made exactly alike in their wheel spacing.  Every Imperial Roman war chariot was made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two Roman war horses.  Those Roman chariots carved their deep ruts through England, Europe and the Middle East for several centuries thus establishing a well-worn precedent that has lasted for two thousand years.  Providing how much bureaucracy can last forever.
Thus the U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot designed to accommodate the width of two equitine buttocks.
So the next time you're handed a specification and wondered what horse's ass came up with that one, perhaps you'll pause and think about just how right you might be.
_____
An ironic addendum ot this story is that the solid rocket boosters (SRBs) used on the NASA space shuttles were manufactured by Thiokol Corp in Ogden, Utah, then shipped to Florida by rail-car for final assembly at the Cape Canaveral launch site.  The rail lines pass through several narrow railroad tunnels hand carved through the Rocky Mountains back in the 1800's.  The booster pieces thus had to be built small enough to fit through these narrow tunnel bores.  Thus our story concludes the width of one of the most advanced vehicles ever constructed by man was determined in part by the width of one of our most ancient vehicles... and a horse's ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mh5mv/railroad_tracks_a_horses_ass_and_rockets_long/
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Broken Window

Wife: You need to fix the bathroom window, then neighbor can see me every time I shower.
Husband; I know, he saw you and called me to tell me he's paying for the window repair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mh5fh/broken_window/
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The 13 Inch Tall Pianist

***FYI:* My grandma (yes, my grandma) originally told me this joke. So I don't actually know where it originally originates from.**
A man walks into a bar with a tiny piano and a miniature man little over 1 ft. tall playing a tune on the little piano. Everyone in the bar looks over, amazed and in awe of the miniature pianist.
A woman nearby walks over to the man and his miniature pianist, asking where he purchased such a unique oddity. "Well," said the man as he pulled out a golden lamp from his pocket, "I just ask my genie in the lamp to grant me any wish."
The man handed the woman the lamp. She thought for a moment then closed her eyes. "Genie," she said, "please give me a million bucks!" Suddenly, the woman and the entire bar was flooded with a million, yellow, quacking ducks.
"Sorry," the man said to the confused woman, "I forgot to tell you that my genie is slightly deaf. After all, do you really think I asked for a 13 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mh2z6/the_13_inch_tall_pianist/
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My wife: Are you ever going to stop quoting "Gangstas Paradise"?

Me: The way things are going I don't know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mh2hh/my_wife_are_you_ever_going_to_stop_quoting/
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My gay mate was really embarrassed ...

My gay mate was really embarrassed after I caught him sucking a dildo.
I think he’s put it behind him now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mh08m/my_gay_mate_was_really_embarrassed/
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God said, "Peter, come forth..."

But he came fifth and got a toaster instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mgxtl/god_said_peter_come_forth/
%
An Eskimo brings his SUV into the shop for repairs.

Mechanic says, "Let me take a look. I'll be with you in a few min." The Eskimo notices they have an ice cream parlor next door, so he heads over while he waits. When he returns to the auto shop, the mechanic stops him and says, "Well... You need a fan belt and it looks like you blew a seal." The Eskimo replies, "Nope. It's just ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mgv0v/an_eskimo_brings_his_suv_into_the_shop_for_repairs/
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A man was apprehended for public masturbation but ultimately let go because he only did it for 10 seconds...

Ya, he definitely got off easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mgut9/a_man_was_apprehended_for_public_masturbation_but/
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90% of my friends have hemorrhoids.

The other 10% are perfect ass holes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mguac/90_of_my_friends_have_hemorrhoids/
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What's worse than bitting into an apple and finding a worm?

The Holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mgu8s/whats_worse_than_bitting_into_an_apple_and/
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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mgrvp/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
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What do you call a Mexican girl who loves to sleep around?

A Burrithoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mgqr4/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_girl_who_loves_to/
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A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!" The doctor says "What's your problem?" The guy says, Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work.

On the way to work I car pool with the next door
neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during
the ride to work..
Once I get to work I do some work and at morning
tea time I go into the photocopy room and have
it off with the one of the young office girls.
At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and
give her a good bonking..
For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good
servicing..
I then go home and slip the maid a few inches,
Then at night I give the missus another screw...
"Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"
The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mgpa8/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors_and_says_doc_you_gotta/
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What do you call a noodle on a street corner?

A pasta-tute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mgoj6/what_do_you_call_a_noodle_on_a_street_corner/
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Obama gave me a coin with Jesus on it.

It was change I could believe in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mgn28/obama_gave_me_a_coin_with_jesus_on_it/
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Why do black men wear baggy trousers?

Because their knee grows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mglqo/why_do_black_men_wear_baggy_trousers/
%
Why were the Twin Towers upset?

They ordered pepperoni but they got plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mgjq9/why_were_the_twin_towers_upset/
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I heard 1 in 4 men are gay...

I really hope it's John, he's cute!
(An oldie, but a goodie)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mgjgl/i_heard_1_in_4_men_are_gay/
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What do you call a gun that's cold?

A br-r-r-r-retta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mgj0m/what_do_you_call_a_gun_thats_cold/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mggxl/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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You put the punchline in the title

Wanna know how to spoil a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mggpy/you_put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
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What does an Alabama prostitute give her family?

A discount!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mga37/what_does_an_alabama_prostitute_give_her_family/
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Because of the winter storms

there was a blackout in our neighborhood, the police told us to stay inside till they found him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mg9wc/because_of_the_winter_storms/
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Two old ladies were sitting on a bench...

Two old ladies were sitting on a bench having a quiet chat, when a flasher approached from across the park. He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat, exposing himself.
One of the ladies immediately had a stroke.
The other lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mg7f6/two_old_ladies_were_sitting_on_a_bench/
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How do you insult an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it is from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mg62q/how_do_you_insult_an_archaeologist/
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A pastor said to his congregation

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am deeply embarrassed and do not intend to accept this slur on my character.
Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness in front of this congregation."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde (with a body that could stop a runaway train) rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke:
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding...........
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan,
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mg1ww/a_pastor_said_to_his_congregation/
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"Dad, why are they taking down the traffic lights so aggressively?"

"I don't know, son, but they sure are pulling out all the stops."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mg14l/dad_why_are_they_taking_down_the_traffic_lights/
%
My hamster died...

He fell asleep at the wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfyvy/my_hamster_died/
%
I was walking by a prison for midgets...

I saw one fall down trying to climb out.
I walked over to see if he needed any help.
He said "what do you think?"
I would've helped him if he wasn't a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfw71/i_was_walking_by_a_prison_for_midgets/
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The Smiths move to a small town called Kwisition...

They're a white family, and all of their neighbors belong to various ethnic backgrounds. African-Americans (the Jacksons), Arabs (the Husseins), Italians (the Capitanis), Japanese (the Takedas), Spanish (the Garcias), Brazilian (the Silveiras), and many others.
The closest neighbors to the Smiths, the Garcias and the Jacksons, stop by the Smiths' new home to welcome them to the neighborhood, and invite them to the annual Kwisition town picnic in a few days. The Smiths happily accept the offer.
The day of the picnic, the Smiths arrive at the park around noon, seeing many families there already, including the Jacksons, but some have not arrived yet. As they enjoy the picnic with the families there, the Husseins and the Capitanis arrive in time for the music show.
Later on, the Takedas and the Silveiras arrive just before the raffle.
The day goes on and the Smiths realize that one family in particular has not arrived yet. They go to the Jacksons and Mrs. Smith asks, "When are we expecting the Garcias?"
Mr. Jackson replies, "Nobody expects the Spanish in Kwisition."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfw1x/the_smiths_move_to_a_small_town_called_kwisition/
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What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfux5/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_wearing_a_vest/
%
Potato Chip are like car company

they are very good at making air bags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfu5g/potato_chip_are_like_car_company/
%
A wife is yelling at her husband

"Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfu3b/a_wife_is_yelling_at_her_husband/
%
"I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said.

"Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfsd8/id_like_to_prescribe_you_a_topical_ointment_for/
%
Einstein said "If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself."

Which I guess makes me an expert in secretive anal sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfpfw/einstein_said_if_you_cant_explain_it_to_a_six/
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Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?

Nobody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfnj3/who_does_polyphemus_hate_more_than_odysseus/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfn3e/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_killer/
%
What's the most popular white wine

All Lives Matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mflpd/whats_the_most_popular_white_wine/
%
Two brothers go to Catholic school...

... and they are always getting into trouble. But whenever they get caught in their mischief, the older boy, Frank, says to the younger, Henry, "It'll be ok, as long as we stick together." And even though Henry is much more nervous than Frank, this always gives him the confidence to withstand the latest round of scolding.
One day, the boys do something REALLY bad, and they get called to the headmaster's office. Henry is very anxious. "Frank," he says, "We've done it this time. He's going to expell us!" "Don't worry," replies Frank. "As long as we're together, it'll be OK."
At that moment, the headmaster walks out and asks Frank to come in. The two boys get up, but the headmaster stops them. "No," he says, "Only Frank." Henry looks petrified, but Frank goes in alone.
Frank sits across the desk from the headmaster, who gives him a long, deep look. Eventually, he says, "Frank, where is God?" This is completely unexpected to Frank, who doesn't have much to say. "Frank, where is God?" the headmaster repeats. With no answer coming to mind, Frank sits quietly. "I'm going to ask you a third time Frank. Where is God? You can take a while to think about it. Come back when you have an answer."
"How b-bad is it?" Henry asks as Frank walks out. "SERIOUSLY bad," Frank replies. "They've lost God and they're pinning it on us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mflkh/two_brothers_go_to_catholic_school/
%
I used to think the brain was the most important organ...

Then I thought, look what's telling me that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfkk0/i_used_to_think_the_brain_was_the_most_important/
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I went to the Doctor for a checkup, and he started shoving toy horses up my ass

He looked up and told me my condition was 'stable'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfkay/i_went_to_the_doctor_for_a_checkup_and_he_started/
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What did the host say after her guest complimented her on her tea?

Thanks, it's my special tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfk76/what_did_the_host_say_after_her_guest/
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Virginity is like a car

Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfju4/virginity_is_like_a_car/
%
What's the difference between Jesus in real life and Jesus in a picture frame?

It only takes one nail to hang up Jesus in a picture frame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfgdw/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_in_real_life/
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Why do white girls only travel in groups of 3, 5, and 7?

Because they literally can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfeno/why_do_white_girls_only_travel_in_groups_of_3_5/
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Dad, i'm going to a party.

Son: Dad, i'm going to a party.
Dad: Will you be drinking?
Son: No.
Dad: Will you be smoking?
Son: No.
Dad: Will you be flirting with girls?
Son: No.
Dad: Then why the hell are you going?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfdrq/dad_im_going_to_a_party/
%
Teacher says to the class

Teacher: ok the next person to answer my question gets to go home early.
A kid throws his back pack out the window
Teacher: jimmy you reposting piece of shit. Get your ass to detention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mfard/teacher_says_to_the_class/
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What does a camera have in common with a condom?

They both capture that special moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mf90t/what_does_a_camera_have_in_common_with_a_condom/
%
Hey everyone, Gay jokes aren't funny

Cum on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mf6qd/hey_everyone_gay_jokes_arent_funny/
%
A pastor is leading a church that's running out of money, so one Sunday, he comes up with an idea.

About halfway through his sermon, the pastor reaches into his pocket and pulls out his gold pocketwatch and chain.  He starts to gently swing the watch back and forth, pinching the chain between his fingers so the watch swings freely.  By the end of his sermon, the normally lethargic members of the congregation are all sitting up straight in their seats, rapt with attention, and hanging on his every word.
Still swinging the pocketwatch, the pastor nods to his ushers, and they begin passing around the offering trays.  When the first churchgoer is handed the plate, the pastor says, "Please give generously."  Sure enough, everyone gave twenty or thirty or forty dollars, and at the end of the service, the ushers came in and told the pastor, "We've brought in more money than we have in years!"
Over the next several months, the pastor continued his hypnotism during his sermon, and the church blossomed.  The church was able to reopen the community education classes that had lapsed years before for lack of funds, and provided coffee and breakfast to the homeless population on Sunday mornings.  Pleased with all the good the church was doing in the community, the pastor kept up his watch-swinging, as more and more money flowed into the church.  All he had to do was to say, "Give," and the people gave.
This all worked out pretty well for a few months, until that fateful Sunday when, on the final swing of the pocketwatch, with his entire congregation watching with rapt attention, the chain slipped through the pastor's fingers, and the watch smashed into the edge of the stone pulpit, throwing gears and glass everywhere.  Looking down at the remains of his watch, the pastor grimaced and muttered, "Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mf43x/a_pastor_is_leading_a_church_thats_running_out_of/
%
Tried to catch fog yesterday

Mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mf0fe/tried_to_catch_fog_yesterday/
%
Why do priests have sex with altar boys?

Otherwise, they're getting nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mezhq/why_do_priests_have_sex_with_altar_boys/
%
The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today.

Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5meysd/the_preschool_teacher_says_were_going_to_do/
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GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mewxw/gf_im_sick_of_you_pretending_youre_a_detective_we/
%
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day.

Steve suddenly fell off, and it killed him instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them will have to tell Steve's wife about the incident. Bob said he was good at the sensitive stuff, so he volunteered for the job.
After two hours he returned, carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So, did you tell her?" Asked Jeff.
Bob replied, "yupp."
"Where did you get that six-pack?"
"She gave it to me!"
"Why?"
"Well," Bob continued, "when she answered the door, I asked her, are you Steve's widow? 'Widow?!" She exclaimed, 'no no you must be mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said, I'll bet a six-pack you are!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mevvf/steve_bob_and_jeff_were_working_on_a_very_high/
%
People treat me like a god...

They don't talk to me unless they want something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5meveq/people_treat_me_like_a_god/
%
What two words will, when heard, get any Trump supporter to rant at length about Hillary Clinton?

"Donald" and "Trump".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5meucj/what_two_words_will_when_heard_get_any_trump/
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My friend told me he really dislikes "All Star" by Smashmouth.

I said: "Hey now..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mets6/my_friend_told_me_he_really_dislikes_all_star_by/
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The old Arab man

An old Arab man is getting up their in age, and his family decides it's finally time to put him in a nursing home. They're a little worried about how he'll adjust to the new living conditions though, and at the end of the week his oldest son pays him a visit to check in. When he asks his father how he's been liking the place, he got quite the surprise 😮
"This place is great!" Says the old man. "Everyone here is so nice and friendly, I've truly never lived with such genial people!"
"That's great, tell me about it." Says the miffed son, who both lived with his father and shares his genes.
"Well there's this one guy here, he used to drive trains. Now, he hasn't been on the rails in 20 years, but every time he goes by, people all say 'there goes the great conductor'"
"That's cool" says the son.
"And there's this other man too! He used to conduct orchestras, but has been retired for 25 years. And every time HE walks by, people say 'there goes the amazing maestro'"
"Okay." Says the son.
"Oh, but I really have it the best, you see. I haven't had sex in 30 years myself, but every time I walk by, people say 'there goes the fucking Arab'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5meqdm/the_old_arab_man/
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Piece of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, she stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper & rub it between them for a few seconds every day."
Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper & stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it in her cleavage.
'How long will this take?' she asks.
They will grow bigger over a period of years,' the husband replies.
She stops, "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts bigger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked out well for your ass, didn't it?"
(The husband is still alive & with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw but all said & done his name shud be suggested for bravery awards).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5meqcv/piece_of_toilet_paper/
%
My first time with a condom...

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mejke/my_first_time_with_a_condom/
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Opening a new Pho restaurant that never closes

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mejef/opening_a_new_pho_restaurant_that_never_closes/
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The Asian Lady

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5meinh/the_asian_lady/
%
My wife accused me of being immature...

So I told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5megps/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
%
Why did the mathematician celebrate 4/20 on January 5?

Because he knows how to reduce fractions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5megi2/why_did_the_mathematician_celebrate_420_on/
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What is the easiest way to get a small fortune?

You start with a large one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5meg8h/what_is_the_easiest_way_to_get_a_small_fortune/
%
My Wife Is Missing

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not comehome!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t
remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know
exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?
Husband:A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered
with the Ram Box bar and
fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather
heated and cooled seats, climate
controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the
bed, Weather Tech floor mats.
Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation,
satellite radio,
Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4
power outlets.
I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom
retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir, *we'll find your truck*.!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5medpl/my_wife_is_missing/
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The Musician's Suitcase

On their way to a classical music concert, a mother and daughter board the subway. “Look over there,” the mother says, “the man with the big suitcase. That’s the musician we are going to see in concert tonight!” Just as the mother speaks, the man reaches into his suitcase and pulls out a shiny violin.
The musician stands up. “Excuse me,” he says, “but I need to practice for my concert, I hope you don’t mind.” The people sitting around him grumble an incoherent response. “Thank you,” he says. Then he bends down and whispers into his suitcase, “You guys can come out now.”
Two completely naked little people, a little man and a little woman, climb out of the suitcase. The musician looks at them and says, “90 please.” At which point the little people immediately begin to make passionate love.
“Oh my gosh!” The mother screams.
*Fwap, fwap, fwap*, comes the rhythmic sound of the little people’s lovemaking to a stunned crowd. Then the musician begins to play. His violin sings of sadness and loss, love and beauty, and by the time the song is over nearly everyone has tears in their eyes.
For a moment, there is complete silence. Then thunderous applause fills the train.
The mother and daughter approach the musician. “That was incredible,” the mother says, “but…do you need the midgets having sex? There are children here!”
The musician reaches down and rests his hand proudly on the naked little man’s shoulder, “Of course! This is the best fucking metro gnome I could find.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5med43/the_musicians_suitcase/
%
The municipal philharmonic symphony and chorus were rehearsing....

The municipal philharmonic symphony and
chorus were rehearsing Symphony No. 9 by Ludwig Von Beethoven. Since
the chorus doesn't enter until the final movement, the singers were
becoming very bored - especially the men in the back row. Then the
basses had a clever idea. During break, they tied a nylon fish-line
around the conductor's score, 4 pages prior to the beginning of the
last movement. They ran the line up through a roof vent, across the
street and down into Joe's tavern. This allowed them to relax at the
bar chugging brews, and when the line jerked, they could run across
the street and take their places in the chorus at the precise time.
Their plan worked flawlessly, especially when the conductor paused
before continuing, to have the trombones, who were playing somewhat
flat, tune their instruments. So all singers were in readiness as
the conductor raised his baton.
Well.....almost all... except for two men who had earlier passed
out at the bar.
And so this became the first case in musical history where it was
the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, the score was tied,
there were two out, the lead-off man was up and the inside pitch
was low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mec1u/the_municipal_philharmonic_symphony_and_chorus/
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In case she doesn't like her gift

3 High school friends are at a reunion.
Lawyer: For my wife's birthday this year I got her a pair of diamond earrings and two tickets to the Bahamas! If she doesn't like the earrings, she will definitely enjoy the holiday!
Surgeon: I bought my Wife a pearl necklace and a new convertible! If she doesn't like the necklace, she'll definitely love the new car!
Labourer: I bought my wife a T-shirt and a dildo. If she doesn't like the T-shirt, she can go fuck herself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mealu/in_case_she_doesnt_like_her_gift/
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What is simultaneously the best and sh*ttiest way to start your day?

Pooping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5me8vm/what_is_simultaneously_the_best_and_shttiest_way/
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A boy is waiting in the line to get a dress for his prom date.

The dress line drags on and on, but after thirty minutes, the boy finally gets the dress.
The next day, the boy decides that he wants to ride to prom in a limousine. So he waits for a very long time in the line to get a rental limousine. After forty-five minutes of waiting, he gets his rental limousine.
The next day, the boy realizes that he needs flowers to give to his date, so he goes to the flower shop, where there is a very long line. After an hour of waiting, the boy gets his flowers.
Finally, the day of the dance arrives. The boy and his date are having a great time, and they decide to go get some punch.
But there was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5me7y8/a_boy_is_waiting_in_the_line_to_get_a_dress_for/
%
What's the difference between a hand towel and toilet paper?

"What?"
"You aren't coming to my house"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5me7ek/whats_the_difference_between_a_hand_towel_and/
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The Irish Sinner

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5me6mi/the_irish_sinner/
%
Breaking News....Explosion at Cheese Factory

De-brie everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5me17c/breaking_newsexplosion_at_cheese_factory/
%
Trumptards love the insult cuckold.

Ironically they're the ones sitting in the corner watching, quiet and giddy, as their country gets fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdzuv/trumptards_love_the_insult_cuckold/
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What does a hippy say when you ask him to leave?

Namaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdz5l/what_does_a_hippy_say_when_you_ask_him_to_leave/
%
What do the Syrians and Fred Flinstone have in common?

They both have to put up with a lot of Rubble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdxxw/what_do_the_syrians_and_fred_flinstone_have_in/
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Why are white prisoners so scary?

Because you know they did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdw4m/why_are_white_prisoners_so_scary/
%
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing saran wrap pants.

Man: Doctor, I think I'm crazy.
Psychiatrist: Well I can clearly see your nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdvu3/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
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A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"...

A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdumv/a_man_just_released_from_prison_was_walking_down/
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What do you get when you send a duck back in time to meet itself?

A pair-o-ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdueg/what_do_you_get_when_you_send_a_duck_back_in_time/
%
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdsk3/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
%
Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.
Credit: 3rd grade me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mds6p/why_do_pencils_shave/
%
I told my girlfriend two sentences

"We need to buy a new car."
"I am thinking about taking a break."
She started crying. I mean, she could have just said she didn't like that type of cars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mds58/i_told_my_girlfriend_two_sentences/
%
I went to take an online ADHD test today...

but gave up quickly because it was stupid and boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdrhb/i_went_to_take_an_online_adhd_test_today/
%
Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock?

So he could wake up inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdr51/why_did_the_emo_swallow_an_alarm_clock/
%
A guy walks into a pharmacy and buys a condom...

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but figures there’s no law preventing weird people from buying condoms.
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom and once again leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. “What could be so funny about buying a condom?” he wonders. He tells a pharmacy technician, “If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.”
Sure enough, the next day the same man comes back, buys a condom and again starts cracking up with laughter before leaving. The pharmacist tells his technician to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the tech comes back to the store.
“Did you follow him?” asks the pharmacist.
“Yup,” says the technician.
So,” says the impatient pharmacist, “where’d he go?”
The tech replies, “Your house.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdq9n/a_guy_walks_into_a_pharmacy_and_buys_a_condom/
%
How do you milk a sheep?

With iPhone periph**e**rals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdo6n/how_do_you_milk_a_sheep/
%
How do you make a Bloody Nicole?

Like a Bloody Mary, but with a stab of OJ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdn99/how_do_you_make_a_bloody_nicole/
%
What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdlge/whats_the_difference_between_hiring_a_team_to/
%
Tried to explain my sexuality to my dad..

Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.
Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: or a female partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: And that means you're bi.
Me: Yep
Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: Did you just...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdl5q/tried_to_explain_my_sexuality_to_my_dad/
%
So I was in sex-ed class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69.

Apparently "70" was not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdkhx/so_i_was_in_sexed_class_when_the_teacher_asked_me/
%
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

Doyouthinkhesaurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdgdp/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_with_one_eye/
%
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdebp/what_kind_of_shoes_do_ninjas_wear/
%
Rapid guy in a bar

Guy walks into a bar, clearly in a hurry.
Sits in front of bartender and shouts to him:
*- Give me a shot! Faster, faster, before it starts!*
Bartender in a little shock fills a shot for him and he drinks it right away.
*- Give me another one! Faster, faster, before it starts!*
Bartender looks really confused what's happening but he again fills up a shot for him. And again, it was drunk right away.
*- Cmon, cmon, fill me up again, before it starts!*
And finally bartender cannot hold his thoughts and ask him:
*- Okay, but who is going to pay for that?*
*- And it started...*
ps. the joke was translated by me from another language, that's why it can be a little bit strange to read for native speakers, apologies for that! :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mde8j/rapid_guy_in_a_bar/
%
What does a crook see with?

Burglarize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdd7r/what_does_a_crook_see_with/
%
So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69.

Apparently, "I do." is not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdc8w/so_i_was_in_math_class_when_the_teacher_asked_me/
%
DJ Khaled was playing cards with his family.

And a mother won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mdc1h/dj_khaled_was_playing_cards_with_his_family/
%
My girlfriend accused me of cheating...

... so I admitted, that yes, I had in fact been cheating on her and was instead sleeping with her sister. We broke up the next day.
It's a shame really we were only playing Monopoly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mda25/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
%
Traffic accidents

A Frenchman and an Englishman are talking at a bar:
Frenchman: "Did you hear, in France they lowered the the amount of alcohol you can drink before driving. But now car accidents have significantly increased"
Englishman: " Wow, how can that be?"
Frenchman: " Well its because if a man drinks wine with a meal at a restaurant, his wife has to drive him home"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5md7kg/traffic_accidents/
%
My girlfriends parents are very religious.

The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5md56a/my_girlfriends_parents_are_very_religious/
%
A midget psychic broke out of prison.

Now there's a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5md4pv/a_midget_psychic_broke_out_of_prison/
%
My little Hamster is such a laugh!!

He just stays in there on that circle thing going round and round and round for ages until ...
*DING* Then I take him out of the Microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5md434/my_little_hamster_is_such_a_laugh/
%
25 things you were taught by your Mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5md41u/25_things_you_were_taught_by_your_mother/
%
What does music have to do with road safety?

C sharp or B flat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5md2sw/what_does_music_have_to_do_with_road_safety/
%
What Do You Call A Black Person On The Moon?

An Astronaut You Racist Bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mczwn/what_do_you_call_a_black_person_on_the_moon/
%
What do you get when a clown dies in a desert?

Dry Humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mczbm/what_do_you_get_when_a_clown_dies_in_a_desert/
%
My wife and I were stuck in traffic.

She said, "I'm turning round."
"I can see that," I replied. "Try eating less chocolate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcz19/my_wife_and_i_were_stuck_in_traffic/
%
A life-serving prisoners...

...(for the sake of the story, let name him Scofield) manage to escape from prison after 15 years underwent the punishment. He managed to break in into a young couple's house not far from the penitentiary.
At first, Scofield intend to steal some money but his intention changed after he saw the couple is fast asleep on their bed. He woke them up and tied the husband on a chair.
And then Scofield tied the wife to the bed and started to kiss her neck vigorously. Suddenly he went to the bathroom and his intention is unknown to this extent.
And then the husband and wife whispering to each other..
Husband : Honey, I think the escaped prisoner is very bad. Look at his prison uniform, maybe he underwent the sentence for a very long time. Look at the way he kissed your neck. If he want to rape you, don't fight it. Let him have his satisfaction. I afraid he will kill us both. Stay strong honey. I love you...
Wife : Baby, he didn't kiss me on the neck just now. He whispered to me that he is gay, and you are so hot. He asked where is the lube, and I told him that the lube is in the bathroom. Stay strong baby. I love you too...
Husband : @#$%&@#$%#$!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcxo3/a_lifeserving_prisoners/
%
Whats the best way to castrate a priest?

Kick the alter boy in the chin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcx73/whats_the_best_way_to_castrate_a_priest/
%
A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.
Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.
But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."
To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcvxf/a_russian_couple_walks_down_a_street_in_moscow/
%
I am one of those people who post in the wrong subreddit, AMA.

Oops wrong sub!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcu5a/i_am_one_of_those_people_who_post_in_the_wrong/
%
Jokes about fat people aren't funny.

They just don't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mctlh/jokes_about_fat_people_arent_funny/
%
What is it called when a cow is unwillingly milked?

**Moo**lestation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mctir/what_is_it_called_when_a_cow_is_unwillingly_milked/
%
I had a friend who used to draw on her eyebrows.

One day, she accidentally drew them to high. When I told her, she looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcrfl/i_had_a_friend_who_used_to_draw_on_her_eyebrows/
%
Teacher asks a question

Teacher: "whoever answers my next question can go home"
Jimmy throws his bag out the window
Teacher: "who just threw that?"
Jimmy: "that was me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcpfb/teacher_asks_a_question/
%
When I was single my old Aunt used to come up to me at family weddings

And poke me in the ribs and say, "you're next." she stopped after I did the same to her at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcpcu/when_i_was_single_my_old_aunt_used_to_come_up_to/
%
A boy wrote Santa: "please send me a sister".

Santa wrote back: "Alright, send me your mother".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mclv9/a_boy_wrote_santa_please_send_me_a_sister/
%
There was a huge argument in my science lesson today about whether wanking is good or bad for your health

It ended up turning into a mass-debate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcjf4/there_was_a_huge_argument_in_my_science_lesson/
%
What does DNA strand for?

National Dyslecsics Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcifn/what_does_dna_strand_for/
%
What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

Cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mch09/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
Catholics will get it :-)

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair.  Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable  of walking, the judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
Miller was confronted by several executives.  "You're not getting away with this, Miller," one said.  "We're going to watch you day and night.  If you take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for perjury.  Here's the money.  What do you intend to do with it?"
"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied.  "We'll go to
Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one *hell* of a miracle!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcgzw/catholics_will_get_it/
%
If a man says he is going to fix something he will.

There is no need for a women to ask every 6 months about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcgpd/if_a_man_says_he_is_going_to_fix_something_he_will/
%
The inventor of auto-correct has died

His funfair will be next monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcfml/the_inventor_of_autocorrect_has_died/
%
There were two old boys from Alabama who loved to fish

They wanted to do some ice fishing that they'd heard about in Canada, so they took off to try it.
The lake was frozen nicely, so they stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.
One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
After they got their equipment, they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."
He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not too good," he said. "We don't even have the stupid boat in the water yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcdui/there_were_two_old_boys_from_alabama_who_loved_to/
%
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcbq4/the_past_present_and_future_walked_into_a_bar/
%
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works.

She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.
The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.
The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average!
"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles.
The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."
The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile.
Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"
The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcbmq/a_blonde_who_had_been_unemployed_for_several/
%
What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms and no legs?

Anything you want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcb2r/what_do_you_call_mike_tyson_with_no_arms_and_no/
%
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”
“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mcazs/a_woman_caught_her_husband_on_the_weight_scale/
%
An intimidating cowboy rides into town on his horse...

This badass cowboy is riding a horse, alone, armed to the teeth, through the desert and comes across a wild west bar.
He hitches his horse and walks in...his boots thumping the floor. The room goes silent. This a guy no one wants to fuck with.
He sits right between two men by the bar, and the instantly tense up, and the room is silent.
"Whiskey," he growls.
The bartender, terrified, nods and pours a shot. The cowboy downs his shot and heads outside to get back on his horse. His boots slam against the ground, all eyes are on.
His horse isn't there.
His nostrils flare. His eyes go dark. He spins and marches back in through the doors.
"If my horse ain't back there in 5 minutes. I'll do what I did in Texas," he growls, eyeing everyone up.
He goes back to the bar, and *demands* another shot of whiskey. The bartender complies.
He slams the shot and heads back outside, and lo and behold! his horse is there.
Satisfied, he goes back into the bar, and people are less tense now they see the horse through the door.
"If you don't mind me asking...what would you have done if your horse weren't there?" asked the bartender.
The cowboy looks him in the eye, downing yet another whiskey.
"Well..." he growls. "I woulda walked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mc7mm/an_intimidating_cowboy_rides_into_town_on_his/
%
Little Steve runs to his mom

"Mommy mommy, other boys at school are calling me gay all the time"
Mom: "Why don't you try calling them names too?"
Steve: "I can't, they're so beautiful"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mc6ng/little_steve_runs_to_his_mom/
%
What's a let down Chinese lobster called?

A crushed asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mc62m/whats_a_let_down_chinese_lobster_called/
%
What is the difference between a prostitute and a probate lawyer?

The prostitute stops fucking you when you're dead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mc5s3/what_is_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
%
A guy walks into a bar..

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.  The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks all night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for an hour. So you wanna try?"  The guy replies, "Naw, the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mc2w4/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I don't know why guys call the hair between their belly button and genitals their happy trail.

I call mine the trail of tears, because the end only offers disappointment.
Also because countless Native American women and children died there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mc0vd/i_dont_know_why_guys_call_the_hair_between_their/
%
Who wears a red suit, and knows if you are naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mbytf/who_wears_a_red_suit_and_knows_if_you_are_naughty/
%
It must suck to be creative in Boston...

Because everyone tells you how "ah-tistic" you ah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mbxv0/it_must_suck_to_be_creative_in_boston/
%
TIFU by eating someone else's sandwich at work

After apologizing for my mistake, I kindly offered to take them to a restaurant of their choice after work. They happily agreed. We ended up going to a Chinese place. We had a good time. We're really good friends now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mbury/tifu_by_eating_someone_elses_sandwich_at_work/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating...

...when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mbsac/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are/
%
If I had a dollar for every gender...

I'd have $2 and some monopoly money...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mbocz/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
%
A farmer is sitting in his front porch when a kid with a wagon walks by

Kid: Hey old man I seen some buttercups out in one of your fields. Mind if I go down there and make some butter?
Farmer: You can't get butter out of a butter cup ya dumb shit. But knock yer self out.
Hour later kid comes back with his wagon half full of butter and shows the farmer.
Kid: hey old man. While I was making this here butter I noticed there was some goldenrod down at the back of that field. Mind if I go down there and make some gold?
Farmer:  you can't get gold out of goldenrod ya dumb shit. But give it a rip.
Hour later kid comes back with another quarter of his wagon filled up with gold. Shows the farmer.
Kid: hey old man, while I was down there making this gold I noticed some pussy-willows...
Farmer: wait for me, I'll grab my boots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mbn61/a_farmer_is_sitting_in_his_front_porch_when_a_kid/
%
A magician was walking down the street

then he turned into a grocery store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mbmx7/a_magician_was_walking_down_the_street/
%
A teenage boy has sex with a girl for the first time, and he's feeling quite proud of himself...

He goes over to his grandfather's house, and he's about to break the news to his old granddad, but he decides to wait until grandma is out of the room. Grandma goes off to fetch a batch of cookies from the oven, and the boy quietly breaks the good news to his grandpa.
His grandfather slaps him on the back, grinning. "Why, you little rascal, you!" he says. "Boy, I remember those days!"
"Wow. That must have been a long time ago!" the kid says. "I can't imagine what it must be like trying to have sex at your age."
"Well," granddad says. "Have you ever pulled a worm out of the ground after a rain shower?"
"Sure. I go fishing all the time."
"Well, have you ever tried putting it back in the hole again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mbkha/a_teenage_boy_has_sex_with_a_girl_for_the_first/
%
A pastor is finishing up his sermon on sunday morning...

"In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed." So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit.
"How many read Mark chapter 17 like I said last week?" Everyone raised their hand. The pastor says "and it's a great chapter, amen??" There are shouts of "amen!" from the congregation. Then the pastor smirks.
"Well, Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now begin my sermon on the terrible sin of lying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mbi5k/a_pastor_is_finishing_up_his_sermon_on_sunday/
%
Why couldn't the chameleon change colors?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mbg7v/why_couldnt_the_chameleon_change_colors/
%
I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mbb6x/i_finally_learned_how_to_convert_units_to_the/
%
"Sometimes you just need to go for a drive to clear your head"

-John F. Kennedy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mb54t/sometimes_you_just_need_to_go_for_a_drive_to/
%
I have been meaning to discuss erectile dysfunction with my wife.

But it hasn't come up yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mb347/i_have_been_meaning_to_discuss_erectile/
%
*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mb0v4/during_an_interview_interviewer_so_how_long_were/
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The other day my mom asked me if I think my girlfriend is manipulative

"Only if she wants me to" I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5maxdg/the_other_day_my_mom_asked_me_if_i_think_my/
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How do you find will smith in a snowstorm?

You look for fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mapyt/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_a_snowstorm/
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What's the difference between BLM and ISIS?

ISIS takes responsibility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5maprt/whats_the_difference_between_blm_and_isis/
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My doctor told me I only have two months left to live

so I shot him, judge gave me 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mande/my_doctor_told_me_i_only_have_two_months_left_to/
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Divorced Virgin

*^A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands.**
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "*Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.*"
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married five times?"
"*Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be*.
*Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.*
*Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.*
*Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.*
*Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!*"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"*You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5majxk/divorced_virgin/
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A merchant had been selling salt and pepper for 30 years...

He's a pretty seasoned salesman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5majf1/a_merchant_had_been_selling_salt_and_pepper_for/
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A woman takes a lover home...

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap
again, you're in my closet now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5majc1/a_woman_takes_a_lover_home/
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You know, Frieza was a pretty cool villain…

…but his brother was Cooler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5maizp/you_know_frieza_was_a_pretty_cool_villain/
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What do you get when a piano falls down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mah1h/what_do_you_get_when_a_piano_falls_down_a_mine/
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What's the most popular red wine??

We want our land back!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mafgo/whats_the_most_popular_red_wine/
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I got a private dance from a stripper.

When she was done, she gave me her phone number.
I said, "If I give you £50, will you come back to my place for a kiss and a cuddle?"
She said, "It will have to be more than that."
I said, "That's fine. What about sex?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5maekg/i_got_a_private_dance_from_a_stripper/
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How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mac1x/how_does_a_woman_scare_a_gynecologist/
%
Why is Yahtzee better than the Bahamas?

Because it's more than a paradise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ma9z2/why_is_yahtzee_better_than_the_bahamas/
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Why I Joined the Air Force

The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question.
“What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”
A sailor said, “I’d step on it.”
A soldier said, “I’d squash it with my boot.
A marine said, I’d catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.”
An Airman said. “I’d call room service and find out why there’s a tent in my room.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ma8o6/why_i_joined_the_air_force/
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How to rid yourself of geeks [**star wars spoilers**]

thats how

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ma4wd/how_to_rid_yourself_of_geeks_star_wars_spoilers/
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All his life, Harry wanted to be a cable-car operator...

... so one day he enrolled in cable-car operator school in New York.  He was a fair student, but not great, and after several years of study, he graduated with a C average and was assigned as part of a job-placement program to a route in Manhattan.  He loved his new job and everything was great for a while until one day he wasn't paying very close attention and lost control of his cable-car.  It hopped its track and careened off of a pier into the Hudson River.  All of his passengers were killed but Harry managed to swim back to shore.  He was terrified of what would happen so he fled the scene (and, eventually, the city) before police and rescue crews could arrive.
He settled in Houston under an assumed name and took a job in a grocery store, trying to keep as low a profile as possible.  He lived a quiet life, and every day he would watch the Houston cable-cars going up and down the street and he longed for what he had lost.  One day, he decided that he couldn't take it anymore and enrolled in cable-car operator school again, this time in Houston and under his new name.  He did a little better this time, having been through the classwork before, and graduated with a B average and was assigned to a nice route in La Porte.  His passengers loved him and he loved his job.  But one day, he wasn't paying attention and lost control of his cable car.  It hopped its track and ended up in Trinity Bay.  All of his passengers were killed, but Harry managed to swim back to shore.  Fearing that authorities would put this accident together with the one in New York, he again fled the scene.
This time he ended up in San Francisco with yet another assumed name.  He figured that, if he couldn't operate his beloved cable cars (for fear of getting caught), he could at least see them everywhere he went, as San Francisco is the cable-car capital of the world.  This satisfied him for a little while, but eventually he couldn't take it anymore and enrolled in cable-car operator school yet again.  He excelled in his classwork this time around (having been through the program twice before) and graduated magna cum laude.  He was assigned the highly-coveted Market Street route and drove it for quite a while without incident.  But one day, he wasn't paying attention and lost control of his cable-car.  It hopped its tracks and ended up in the San Francisco Bay.  All of his passengers were killed and as Harry swam back to shore, the police were waiting for him.
In the subsequent investigation and trial, prosecutors put all the pieces together.  They figured that he was the same guy who killed all those people in Houston and New York.  It was the trial of the century and at the end of it, Harry was sentenced to die in the electric chair for his crimes (the actions having been deemed so egregiously willful and persistent as to constitute premeditation).  He was transferred to Alcatraz to await his execution.
He was a model prisoner, never causing any trouble, and every day he woke and did exactly 52 jumping jacks and 52 sit-ups and 52 push-ups in his cell to keep himself occupied.  The day before his scheduled execution, the warden came to him and asked what he would like for his last meal.  Harry thought about it for a minute and said “I would like a rotten banana, a rotten apple, and a glass of spoiled milk”.  The warden stared blankly at him. “Harry,” he said, “we have access to the best chefs in the world.  This is your last meal, and you can have anything you want. Steak, lobster, name it!”  Harry shook his head and repeated his request for a rotten banana, a rotten apple, and a glass of spoiled milk.  His disgusting meal was brought to him and he wolfed it down hungrily.  The next day, his head was shaved and last rites were administered, and Harry was led to the electric chair and hooked up.  At the appointed time, prison guards threw the switch and counted to ten before turning off the current to the chair.  But Harry was fine.  Smoldering a bit at the spots where the contacts met his skin, perhaps, but otherwise the picture of health.
Flummoxed, the guards took Harry back to his cell and began the long process of checking and rechecking their equipment for malfunctions, but they couldn’t find anything.  A new execution date was set for one month later, and Harry went back to his morning exercise routine of 52 jumping jacks, 52 sit-ups, and 52 push-ups to keep his mind and body occupied while he waited.
The eve of his second execution arrived and the warden visited Harry again to take the order for his last meal. “A rotten banana, a rotten apple, and a glass of spoiled milk,” Harry said.  The warden just shook his head and asked him Harry was sure, then arranged to have his meal brought to him.  The next day, guards shaved his head again, Harry was administered his last rites again, and he was marched to the electric chair and hooked up again.  This time, though, they weren’t taking any chances.  At the appropriate time, they threw the switch and left the juice flowing for a full minute.  And when they were finished, Harry was just fine.
The warden was nervous.  A little known California law stipulated that the state could only make three attempts to execute a prisoner, and if that failed they had to let him go.  Harry was returned to his cell where he resumed his daily morning exercise regimen of 52 jumping jacks, 52 sit-ups, and 52 push-ups.  Another month passed, and on the eve of his third execution, Harry was visited by the warden, who just said “let me guess” as he wheeled in a cart with a rotten banana, a rotten apple, and a glass of spoiled milk.  Harry thanked him politely and ate his dinner.  The next morning, they shaved his head (AGAIN!) and delivered last rites (AGAIN!) and marched him to the execution chamber, where he was hooked up (AGAIN!) to the electric chair.  This time, prison officials weren’t taking any chances.  The entire Bay Area power grid was diverted to Alcatraz.  They threw the switch (cutting electricity to millions of customers) and left the juice running for a full half hour.  The execution chamber buzzed with the awesome power being fed into the chair.  You could taste the ions in the air.  And when they turned off the power….
Harry was just fine.  The warden shook his head in disbelief.  “Well, Harry,” he said, “we have to let you go.  California law stipulates that we can only make three attempts at an execution.  But before I do, I really have to know.  How did you survive three executions?  Was it the jumping jacks, the sit-ups, and the push-ups?  Was it the rotten banana, rotten apple, and spoiled milk?  What IS your secret?”
Harry just shook his head and shrugged, “I guess I’m just not a very good conductor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ma3f2/all_his_life_harry_wanted_to_be_a_cablecar/
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What's it called when a 12 year old African boy that's crying?

A mid-life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ma2a9/whats_it_called_when_a_12_year_old_african_boy/
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My girlfriend did a lie detector test.

"According to the results," said the conductor, "your girlfriend has been unfaithful."
I paused for a moment, then said, "Just how reliable are these results?"
"Extremely," he replied. "She gave me a blowjob in the car park earlier."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ma1oy/my_girlfriend_did_a_lie_detector_test/
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My first middle-school football game was just like the time i lost my virginity.

Bloody and dirty, but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ma1bt/my_first_middleschool_football_game_was_just_like/
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Catharine Zeta Jones gets naked, ties a red sheet around around her neck

runs into the bedroom, jumps up on the bed and yells "super pussy".  Michael rolls over and says "Think I'll take the soup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ma144/catharine_zeta_jones_gets_naked_ties_a_red_sheet/
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What do you do for a living? I herd cattle.

Ah, you're a rancher?
No, I'm a Zumba instructor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ma04q/what_do_you_do_for_a_living_i_herd_cattle/
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If you are charged with possession of marijuana

Is it called joint custody?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9wmu/if_you_are_charged_with_possession_of_marijuana/
%
Two toothpicks are walking the forest.

When all of a sudden a hedgehog walks by. The one toothpick says to the other,
"When did this place get a bus?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9wih/two_toothpicks_are_walking_the_forest/
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After many years of marriage, my wife still gets mad when i use her toothbrush.

How else can you get dogshit off your shoes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9vrz/after_many_years_of_marriage_my_wife_still_gets/
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Did you all hear about the chicken that swallowed the yo-yo?

Laid the same egg 44 times!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9up0/did_you_all_hear_about_the_chicken_that_swallowed/
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What type of computer is unusually large?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9ujz/what_type_of_computer_is_unusually_large/
%
God is obviously a Civil Engineer...

... Only a civil engineer would route a sewage system through a playground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9u18/god_is_obviously_a_civil_engineer/
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I just read a book about Bipolar Disorder.

One hand I liked it and sent it to everyone I know, on the other hand I burned it and my house down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9tln/i_just_read_a_book_about_bipolar_disorder/
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.
**Doctor:** "What happened?"
**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
**Woman:** "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
**Doctor:** "You see how much keeping your fucking mouth shut helps?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9rb6/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_beaten_black_and_blue/
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What do you call a god who lacks self-confidence?

An atheist. He doesn't really believe in himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9r5c/what_do_you_call_a_god_who_lacks_selfconfidence/
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What's the difference between a mailbox and a cow's ass?

"I don't know."
"Then you shouldn't deliver mail."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9pl9/whats_the_difference_between_a_mailbox_and_a_cows/
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Alahu Akbar

A man, who was on his way to work, was at a stop light when a car full of Muslims pulled up next to him. They started shouting at him saying "Alahu Akbar" and "Death to America". The man is a bit freaked out. When the light turned green the man waited so as to put some distance between himself and the Muslims. The Muslims accelerated quickly into the intersection and were promptly killed by a semi truck that ran the light. The man got to work and had a chance to think about what had happened. "That could have been ME!" he thought. So then and there he quit his job and got a new job as a truck driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9nw7/alahu_akbar/
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Whats black and doesn’t work ?

Decaf Coffee
..... you fucking racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9ksx/whats_black_and_doesnt_work/
%
A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom.

He waits in the ticket line for a really long time for prom tickets, but gets the tickets. He then goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he gets the limo rented. He goes to the florist. The flower line is really long but he finally gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9kg5/a_guy_is_taking_his_girlfriend_to_prom/
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Son asks Jewish dad for money

Son: Dad, can you give me fifty dollars?
Dad: Fourty dollars? Why do you need thirty dollars? Here, take twenty and split it with your sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9fcw/son_asks_jewish_dad_for_money/
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I'm going to make a city just for people with special needs.

I'll call it Downtown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9cwq/im_going_to_make_a_city_just_for_people_with/
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In 15 days, a man with questionable hair and direction will be watched by millions as he takes control of a terrfied group of people who don't know how much they can trust him.

But enough about M. Night Shyamalan's new movie Split.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m9acn/in_15_days_a_man_with_questionable_hair_and/
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Jesus is walking around in heaven one day...

Jesus is walking around in heaven one day, checking in on everybody to make sure they're enjoying the place.
He checks in with Mother Teresa and sure enough, there she is in the middle of a party having a grand time with all her friends. So Jesus moves on.
He checks in on Martin Luther next and he's having a great time with all his loved ones around the dinner table. Satisfied, Jesus moves on to the next one.
On his way to see John the Baptist, Jesus comes across a man sitting in a corner crying. Shocked that anyone could be upset in heaven Jesus walks over to the gentleman.
"What do you think you're doing, son?" Jesus asked. "You had better cut that out. There are people here who went to church fifteen times a week to get up here. What if they all started crying too? You had better stop that right now or you'll bring the morale of the whole place down. Alright?"
"I'm sorry. I just can't find him anywhere and I've looked all over." The man said, still crying.
"What do you mean? Who can't you find?"
The man wipes the tears from his eyes to address Jesus.
"When I was down on Earth I was a carpenter. I had this boy that I loved with all my heart and when he grew up, I wanted him to go into the family business with me. Then when he turned thirty he went off with this flock of guys, I think there was about twelve of them, on some adventure... And he died!... He died for goodness sake. I don't know, I just thought that once I got up here I'd-"
Jesus, with tears flowing down his face, shouts, "Father!? How I've missed you!"
The man shoots to his feet and exclaims, "Pinocchio! I can't believe you're here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m98qq/jesus_is_walking_around_in_heaven_one_day/
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m96wq/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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"Mummy, why did you call me Rose"? The lady's daughter asked.

"well" her mother replied "when you had just been born your father bought me some flowers for Valentine's day, and a rose petal dropped on your head, so we called you Rose."
Her daughter, satisfied with this response skips away happily.
"Mummy!" her second daughter said "why did you call me Lily?"
"well" responded her mother "when you had just been born your father bought me some flowers for my birthday, and a Lily petal dropped on your head, so we called you Lily."
Her second daughter, happy with this tale, goes on her way.
" MUMMEH!" screams her youngest daughter, who had been born the day they moved into the new house.
"HEERRMRMFLVLDLSNSMAJH!" the child screamed incoherently.
To which her mother replied "not now, Wardrobe.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m959a/mummy_why_did_you_call_me_rose_the_ladys_daughter/
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I got fired today for arranging the vegetables in a sexually suggestive way

Apparently that's "unacceptable behavior for a special needs teacher".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m93si/i_got_fired_today_for_arranging_the_vegetables_in/
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Who was the sexiest woman in Greek myth?

Actually, it was Medusa. One look from her made guys rock hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m92ed/who_was_the_sexiest_woman_in_greek_myth/
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"It's all coming back to me!"

As I piss in the wind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m91c9/its_all_coming_back_to_me/
%
I was talking to a woman. After a while she told me she had never been on a date before.

She said, "I've never even asked a man out."
I said, "Why not?"
"I fear rejection," she replied.
"Well," I winked. "Why don't you ask me out?"
She plucked up the courage and said, "Do you...want...to go on a date?"
I said, "No, thanks. You're not my type."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m90na/i_was_talking_to_a_woman_after_a_while_she_told/
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Two Irish guys walk into a pet shop

Seamus heads straight over to the back of the shop, knowing what he's looking for, and Finton follows shortly behind.
"Dats dem up der!" Says Seamus, pointing at high up bird cage. "Oi'll tek two a dem budgies up der," He says to the shopkeeper, "an wouldya put em in a pepper bag?"
So they leave the shop, hop in a van parked out side, budgies in hand, and they drive off.
They drive to the edge of a cliff with a 700 ft drop. They go over to the edge, where Seamus takes out the two budgies and a roll of tape lying around in the van.
He places one budgie on his shoulder and wraps loads of tape around the birds feet, attaching it firmly to his shoulder. He does the same with the other budgie on his other shoulder.
He says to Finton: "You stand ere an watch dis, okay?"
Finton nods his head cautiously, and watches as Seamus takes a long run up and hurls himself off the edge of the cliff, crashing twice along the long drop to his and the budgies' doom.
Finton shakes his head slowly, "Oi'm never troyin' dat. Doesn't look very sef..."
He turns around to see a small Toyota pull up, and his mate Brendan steps out with another 'pepper bag': "Y'alright Finton? Where's Seamus?"
"Bottom o de cliff." Replied Finton.
"Eejit." Chuckles Brendan. "Alright, you'll wanna watch dis I tell ye!"
He then takes a parrot out of the bag, opens the boot of the car and takes out a high calibre handgun.
Parrot in hand, he hurls himself of the cliff, clutching onto the poor birds feet. About halfway down he blows the creature's head off, and plummets down to his own death.
"Wot were ye tinkin, Brendan!" Mutters Finton, despairingly...
He turns around after hearing another car approaching. A battered old Renault pulls up alongside the other 2 vehicles. Out pops Fergle.
"How'reya Finton? Ye ready fer a show?"
"Ye don't haf te do dis. It in't sef. Seamus an Brendan are at de bottom o de cliff, an dey don't look too good..." says Finton.
"Oi'm a trillseeker... it'll be fun!"
He carries on by pulling his 'pepper bag' out the car, and from there removed a large chicken. He placed the chicken between his thighs and flung himself off the edge, before Finton could say anything else.
His body lands crumpled with the chicken's, near the two other men's.
"Jaysis!" Says Finton, "Oi told ye! Dese trillseekin sports ain't sef! First Seamus wit his budgie jumpin, then Brendan wit his parrotshooting! Now you wit yer feckin henglidin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m902d/two_irish_guys_walk_into_a_pet_shop/
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"You never tell me you love me," said my girlfriend.

I said, "That's because you never ask."
She said, "Do you want me to?"
"Go for it," I replied.
She said, "Do you love me?"
I said, "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8zoq/you_never_tell_me_you_love_me_said_my_girlfriend/
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A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8sok/a_young_artist_exhibits_his_work_for_the_first/
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What do you call a cow with no sense of humor?

A Feminist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8rre/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_sense_of_humor/
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I added Paul Walker on Xbox,

but he spends all his time on the dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8qpd/i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox/
%
A wealthy man went to see his family doctor for his annual physical...

The doctor asked the man if he was experiencing any changes to his health.
Shyly the man replies, "Well, actually Doc, I do have a new problem. You see, I've been fooling around with the maid and I think she gave me VD..."
"Oh, I see," says the Doctor, "looks like we'll need to run a few extra tests to your blood sample and maybe make a follow-up appointment."
The man looks sheepishly back to the Doctor and says, "Well, Doc, it's more complicated than that. I was talking to my son the other day and he admitted that he had been fooling around with the maid too...so, I think maybe he has it..."
The Doctor thought about it and said, "Well, I guess you'll have to tell him to come and see me as soon as possible. I know it may be embarrassing, but you'll have to."
The man went ghost-white and said, "Well Doc, you see, it's even worse. I've also been sleeping with my wife this entire time..."
"Well, Shit!" the Doctor exclaims, "Now we all have it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8jjy/a_wealthy_man_went_to_see_his_family_doctor_for/
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The new General is shown the officers tent in the desert.

General: "So Captain, between you and me what do the men do to relieve the *cough* stress around here?"
Captain: *smiles* "Say no more Sir"
The Captain pokes his head out the tent and whistles over to a private and gives him a wink and gestures to the officers tent.
Captain to the General: "Out back. 5 mins. We call her Gertrude Sir"
5 minutes later the General finds steps and a camel tied just behind the tent. At first the General is disgusted at the idea of using a camel to release his pent up sexual urgues. But it had been quite a while and he didnt want to seem aloof to his new men. So after the deed he returns to the tent.
General: *wiping his sweat from his brow* "That actually was far more pleasent than i thought i would be Captain"
Captain: *looks at his watch* "And in record time! It normally takes 20 mins by camel to the brothel Sir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8j4x/the_new_general_is_shown_the_officers_tent_in_the/
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Asshole dwarfs

One guy travels on the road at 12am. Suddenly, a yellow dwarf jumps on the highway and marks him with his hands to pull over.
The guy pulls over and starts shouting at the dwarf:
"What are you doing? I could run over you!"
dwarf replied: "I'm an asshole yellow dwarf, and you will give me a banana or I will not let you pass."
The guy gave the dwarf a banana and continues on his way.
After a few minutes a red dwarf jumps on the highway and signals him to pull over.
The guy stopped screeching wheels, and shouts:
"What are you doing? Why are you jumping in front of me?!"
the dwarf answers: "I'm an asshole red dwarf, you will give me strawberries or I will not let you pass."
The guy was tired and just wanted to get home so he gives him a strawberries and drives.
Towards the end of the journey a blue dwarf jumps in front of the vehicle, and it marks him pull over.
The guy stopped, opened the window and started shouting: "I've Had enough of this! Let me guess, you are an asshole blue dwarf ... What do you want ?!"
The blue dwarf replies: "license and registrations, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8hz1/asshole_dwarfs/
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Jane gets her very first periods...

and has no idea what's going on. She meets her friend John and tells him about the problem.
He asks to take a look.
After a minute of watching under her skirt he says: "Well, I'm not a doctor but it seems that you've got your dick ripped off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8ho9/jane_gets_her_very_first_periods/
%
Vagina jokes aren't funny

period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8hkt/vagina_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Whats Worse Than Finding A Worm In Your Apple?

Getting Hit By A Truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8foi/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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Suicidal girls give the best head

Cuz they go down and don't have to worry about breathing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8dz3/suicidal_girls_give_the_best_head/
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My son is an ungrateful little shit!

I bought him a trampoline for Christmas, but he'd rather sit in his wheelchair and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8d3l/my_son_is_an_ungrateful_little_shit/
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2 men are sitting on a bench in a park, filled with children. Kids are having fun.

Man 1: "Kids are amazing. Look at them, playing, socializing... so cute!"
Man 2: "Yup."
Man 1: "My Timmy, right over there, likes to play soccer with his friends."
Man 2: "Cool."
Man 1: "Hey, which one is yours?"
Man 2: "Haven't decided yet..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8c3j/2_men_are_sitting_on_a_bench_in_a_park_filled/
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As an Asian male, I'm offended by the stereotype that we're bad drivers and have small penises.

I am an excellent driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8azi/as_an_asian_male_im_offended_by_the_stereotype/
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How to get negative karma

Post in r/feminism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8a54/how_to_get_negative_karma/
%
There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain.

One night, this frustration boiled over, and he headed out to find a bordello - surely, if he was to find a woman to accommodate his size, it would be there.
As he walks into the parlor, he eyes a man behind the counter and tells him his troubles. The man says, "Well, that's a pickle, but I'm Harold, the janitor. You want to speak with Helga, the Headmistress," pointing to the side.
He walks over to her and repeats the story. Money exchanges hands, and he's directed down the hall, first room on the left.
He's never actually been with a prostitute before, so some awkward conversation precludes intercourse. In the act, he manages to get a third of the way in before she starts yelping in pain. He pulls out, apologizes for the inconvenience, and goes back to the Headmistress.
She's a little taken aback, but still proposes a solution - second door, right side.
The man is a more than a little frustrated (and certainly a touch embarrassed), by this point, so no conversation occurs and he gets right into it. A third goes in. Then half. She yelps. He dismounts, and storms back to the Headmistress, not even bothering to put his clothes back on. He demands a refund.
She tells him that she has one last option for him - if it doesn't work, she will gladly refund every penny of his purchase. Last door on the left. He goes in, and the room is very dark. A woman lies on the bed, waiting for him. He mounts her - a third of the way, half-way, and all the way in. She offers no complaint. Gleefully he begins thrusting, when to his horror (and the dim light) he notices she appears to be foaming from the mouth. In a panic, he runs back to the Headmistress.
"That girl is foaming at the mouth! I think you need to call a doctor!"
The Headmistress rolls her eyes.
"For fuck's sake. Harold! The dead girl is full again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m8a2o/there_once_was_a_man_in_a_happy_marriage_save_for/
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How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

The lights are out. You can't count them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m83m4/how_many_black_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Two mercenaries

are lost in an African jungle. They are caught by tribesmen and brought before their chief.
The chief says "choose your punishment . Either Zhinga la la or death. "
The first mercenary thinks to himself that anything is better than death. He says "I choose  Zhinga la la."
A 15 foot gorilla with a 20 inch dick is brought forward and it duly goes to work on the man's ass, literally tearing him a new one. But he lives.
The chief now looks to the second man. "Well, what do you choose?"
"I would rather die with my dignity intact," says the man haughtily.
"As you wish" the chief says with a sifh. "Zhinga la la till death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m80yn/two_mercenaries/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m7zv0/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m7yn5/let_me_tell_you_how_i_became_a_millionaire_first_i/
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What do you call a snowman that frequently has sexual intercourse?

A snowplow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m7yah/what_do_you_call_a_snowman_that_frequently_has/
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Two Jewish women are on a bench

One turns to the other and says "meh"
The other responds "eh"
The first one replies "but enough about the children"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m7y6a/two_jewish_women_are_on_a_bench/
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Jokes about unemployed people aren't funny.

They just don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m7xql/jokes_about_unemployed_people_arent_funny/
%
How do you confuse a gay?

Seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m7xi5/how_do_you_confuse_a_gay/
%
A boy learned about abortion is school one day...

When the boy got home he found his parents on the couch.
"Mom, Dad, what do you think about abortion?" He asked.
"I don't know," replied his dad, "ask your sister."
"I don't have a sis-"
(Thanks to my friend, Alex, for telling me that joke.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m7w1o/a_boy_learned_about_abortion_is_school_one_day/
%
My daughter came sprinting in to the house yesterday shouting 'daddy, daddy, I just saw two fairies at the bottom of the garden!'

Humouring her I asked 'That's amazing darling, what were they doing?'
She replied 'Sucking each other's cocks'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m7l58/my_daughter_came_sprinting_in_to_the_house/
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If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m7kcp/if_a_rich_man_dies_from_a_drug_overdose_the/
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How five Jews changed the way we see the world:

Moses: "The Law is everything"
Jesus: "Love is everything"
Marx: "Money is everything"
Freud: "Sex is everything"
Einstein: "Everything is relative"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m7i3o/how_five_jews_changed_the_way_we_see_the_world/
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Who Is Jay Gatsby's Favorite Comic Book Character?

Deadpool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m7ete/who_is_jay_gatsbys_favorite_comic_book_character/
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What do you call a Jamaican teacher at Hogwarts?

De mentor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m78q4/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_teacher_at_hogwarts/
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What's a commercial fisherman's favorite instrument?

Castanets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m78dj/whats_a_commercial_fishermans_favorite_instrument/
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What involves a man and two women, and doesn't even last a minute?

A Ronda Rousey fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m77j9/what_involves_a_man_and_two_women_and_doesnt_even/
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What do you call a bench full of white people?

The NBA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m77gi/what_do_you_call_a_bench_full_of_white_people/
%
A man walks into a bar with a gun

and yells "WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I'M GONNA KILL 'EM!"
A man calmly stands up and says, "You ain't got enough bullets, mate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m7799/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_gun/
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Student asks Confucius: why is woman a whore when she sleeps with many guys but a man is a macho when he sleeps with lots of women?

Confucius answers: when many keys open one lock that is a bad lock. When one key opens many locks that's a good key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m7773/student_asks_confucius_why_is_woman_a_whore_when/
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome

It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m75hr/i_just_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome/
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A man cheats with his wife's sister

Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!
Wife: You slept with my sister!
Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!
Wife: The autopsy!
PS: Didnt make this up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m759i/a_man_cheats_with_his_wifes_sister/
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Have you ever considered the possibility that soy milk...

is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m74ok/have_you_ever_considered_the_possibility_that_soy/
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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time.

St. Peter comes out to greet them.
"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."
He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bookish sort in a bad business suit and says, "Tell me your story."
"Okay," says the man. "I thought I had a wonderful life. I had a beautiful wife and we had a lovely place on the 34th floor of an apartment building. I came home from work early today, and I saw my beautiful wife sleeping naked in bed with another man's clothes on the floor. So of course I started looking for the bastard who slept with my wife."
"Like I said, I lived in an apartment. There weren't that many places to hide, but I couldn't find him anywhere! Just when I was about to go confront my wife, I see him. The bastard was hiding outside the window, holding onto the windowsill. I go up to him and started stomping on his hands over and over again, but he wouldn't let go. I finally kicked him in the face and he fell. Unfortunately, he landed on a bush and bounced to safety. In my anger, I grabbed my refrigerator and throw it out after him. However, the cord from the refrigerator wrapped around my leg and pulled me to my death."
St. Peter nods and says, "You're story is acceptable. Welcome to heaven." He goes to the second man a brawny working-man type and says, "What's your story?"
"I'm a window washer," says the man. "I've been a window washer for over 20 years. Well today, I'm washing the windows of the 35th floor of this apartment building when my scaffolding breaks. I thought I was going to die, but I manage to catch myself on the windowsill of the story below. All of a sudden this maniac comes out and starts mashing my fingers. I try my best to hold on, but he kicks me in the face and I fall. Once again, I thought I was going to die, but I land on this hedge and bounce away no worse for the wear. I look up and BOOM. Dead. Last thing I saw was a refrigerator."
St. Peter holds back a chuckle and lets him into heaven. He goes to the third man, a ridiculously handsome fellow with sandy-blonde hair, and asks, "What's your story?"
"Alright," says the man. "Picture this. You just got finished banging some dude's wife. He comes home. You hide in the refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m71rn/three_men_arrive_in_heaven_at_the_same_time/
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Mickey Mouse is in divorce court...

The judge looks at Mickey's request paperwork and is confused. "I'm sorry but I can not allow this divorce just because Minnie is odd" to which Mickey says to the judge "your honor, I think you misunderstand. I did not request the divorce because she is odd. I requested it because she is fucking goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m70fx/mickey_mouse_is_in_divorce_court/
%
A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely".

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Finally, Billy raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So Billy replies, "Then I definitely just shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m70bq/a_kindergarten_teacher_is_trying_to_explain_to/
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Dad, why is my cousin called Porsche?

Dad: Because her father likes Porsche cars.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: You're welcomed, young boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m6y1j/dad_why_is_my_cousin_called_porsche/
%
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m6tv6/a_flight_is_on_its_way_to_sydney_when_a_blonde_in/
%
While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.
When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m6qxo/while_examining_the_body_of_mr_schwartz_a/
%
What does a vagina and the mob have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m6q8k/what_does_a_vagina_and_the_mob_have_in_common/
%
A doctor helped me lose 20 kg in a few hours but it was really expensive

Cost me an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m6pre/a_doctor_helped_me_lose_20_kg_in_a_few_hours_but/
%
A blonde was recently hired at our office.

Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, Hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.
"Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m6pg0/a_blonde_was_recently_hired_at_our_office/
%
One day, farmer Williams was in town

picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home?
The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township Road?"
The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132 Township Road. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time"
The little old lady said: "How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m6nsl/one_day_farmer_williams_was_in_town/
%
Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m6n4w/sure_when_miley_cyrus_gets_naked_and_licks_a/
%
I just found out JFK was jewish.

He was shot in the temple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m6m3k/i_just_found_out_jfk_was_jewish/
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Do you speak English?

- Yes!
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no...I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m6l08/do_you_speak_english/
%
If you lose one senses, your other senses become stronger.

That's why people without a sense of humour have such a high sense of self importance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m6fpr/if_you_lose_one_senses_your_other_senses_become/
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Accidentally called 911

Set my house on fire to not look stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m6c60/accidentally_called_911/
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A general inspecting the troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides he needs to go and check them out.
After reviewing the troops on parade he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at parade.
The general gets to the first soldier and barks at him "Why are you here?"
"Hemorrhoid's Sir!"
"And how are you treating it?"
"Wire brush and disinfectant Sir!"
"And what's your goal in life soldier?"
"To kill the enemy Sir!"
The general is pleased with this answer and moves onto the next soldier. "Why are you here?"
"Genital warts Sir!"
"And how are you treating it?"
"Wire brush and disinfectant Sir!"
"And what's your goal in life soldier?"
"To kill the enemy Sir!"
Once again the general is pleased and moves on to the last soldier. "And why are you here?"
"Gingivitis Sir!"
"And how are you treating it?"
"Wire brush and disinfectant Sir!"
"And what's your goal in life soldier?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two Sir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m6b48/a_general_inspecting_the_troops/
%
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two assholes....'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m68oz/paddy_died_in_a_fire_and_was_burnt_pretty_badly/
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All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m66e1/all_these_people_getting_emails_from_the_prince/
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What do you call a sleepwalking nun ?

Roamin' Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m65t3/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
%
What type of cheese is strong?

Shredded cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m65k6/what_type_of_cheese_is_strong/
%
Student: In 2016 people would jump in front of trains for a cause they considered worth fighting for.

Teacher: Eh, no. Those weren't trains, they were *bandwagons*, and they didn't jump in *front* of them either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m60l9/student_in_2016_people_would_jump_in_front_of/
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Three men find a magic lamp

They rub the lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says: "you are all granted three wishes!".
The first guy says:"I wish I had a billion dollars". The second guy says:"I wish I were the richest man in the world". The third guy says:"I wish my left arm kept rotating clockwise".
For the second wish the first guy says:"I wish I had the most beautiful wife in the world". The second guys says:"I wish I was so beautiful that I could get any woman I want". The third guy says:"I wish my right arm kept rotating counter-clockwise".
For the last wish the first guy says:"I wish I would always be healthy". The second guy says:"I wish I would always stay young". The third guy says:"I wish my head kept nodding back and forwards".
The genie grants them their wishes and leaves. The men split up and go live their lives. 10 years later they meet up and discuss how their lives are going.
The first says:"I'm so happy now. I invested my money and got even richer. Me and my wife are so happy." The second guy says:"So am I! I've been dating a lot of women and can live as carelessly as I want". The third guy says:"Guys I think I fucked up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m5x7v/three_men_find_a_magic_lamp/
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 is a registered 6 offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m5vju/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
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A man walks into a library

And sheepishly asks the librarian behind the counter "excuse me, but do you have that new book for men with small penises?".
The librarian acknowledges the request and starts typing away on her computer to check the database, she turns back to the man and says "It's not in yet..."
"That's the one!" The man says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m5rno/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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How did the priest finish the crossword puzzle?

He got 2 across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m5rgc/how_did_the_priest_finish_the_crossword_puzzle/
%
A woman goes into labor with her child.

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer pain of child birth to the Father. He asks If it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m5psc/a_woman_goes_into_labor_with_her_child/
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tattoo of a $100 bil

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m5p5q/tattoo_of_a_100_bil/
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A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO.
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?"
The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things."
The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking."
The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight."
The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m5mwg/a_lady_walks_into_a_pet_store/
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Sex is like snow.

You never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m5jsm/sex_is_like_snow/
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I once asked an Asian girl for her number.

She said "SEX SEX SEX, FREE SEX TONIGHT" I said "wow". Then her friend said, "no, she meant 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m5ayq/i_once_asked_an_asian_girl_for_her_number/
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Funny that when a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she's considered a slut ...

but when I do it I'm gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m5al2/funny_that_when_a_girl_sleeps_with_a_lot_of_guys/
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What do Japanese men do when they have an erection?

Vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m59mq/what_do_japanese_men_do_when_they_have_an_erection/
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A blond walks into a bar

You think she would've seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m58tg/a_blond_walks_into_a_bar/
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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m55nc/if_you_think_swimming_with_dolphins_is_expensive/
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Why is it that when a guy nails a ton of girls, he's called a stud...

...but when he nails a ton of studs, he's in construction?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m549i/why_is_it_that_when_a_guy_nails_a_ton_of_girls/
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What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around?

Holmeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4zs9/what_do_you_call_watson_when_sherlock_isnt_around/
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Why did the smartphone go to jail... [OC]

Because it was charged with battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4zpf/why_did_the_smartphone_go_to_jail_oc/
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My New Year's resolution for 2017 was to lose 10 pounds.

Only 12 more to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4xrr/my_new_years_resolution_for_2017_was_to_lose_10/
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what do goats and humans have in common?

Their kids are nice and tender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4xp5/what_do_goats_and_humans_have_in_common/
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Others change, but you should be yourself!

said one corn to another in the digestive tract

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4wwf/others_change_but_you_should_be_yourself/
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Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4v7c/why_is_womens_soccer_so_rare/
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A comedian walks to the stage

Comedian: let's do a white racist joke
Us whites like the same things
We like the same sandwich: peanut butter and-
Audience: JELLY!
Comedian: we like the same chips.
Salt and vi-
Audience: NEGAR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4tvb/a_comedian_walks_to_the_stage/
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What do you call the day after a sad Friday?

A sadder day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4t8n/what_do_you_call_the_day_after_a_sad_friday/
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Cool Morals:

1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So don't touch them.
6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.
7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4sn5/cool_morals/
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A man walks into a bar and goes to order a drink.

A man walks into a bar and goes to order a drink, he sees a jar full of ten dollar bills and asks the bartender why it's there, and the bartender replies "I have a challenge going on here, you put ten dollars in the jar, and if you can complete three tasks, you get all the money in the jar." The man asks what the tasks are and the bartender tells him he must pay first, so the man puts a ten dollar bill in the jar. "The first task is for you to drink this mystery drink, then you must pull a rotten tooth from the mouth of the bull dog outside, and lastly you must give the old lady upstairs a "good time" The man gets the mystery drink, and downs it very fast, he then orders a beer to get himself drunk before doing the last 2 challenges. After he decides he is drunk enough, he goes out side and the people inside hear the sounds of the dog whimpering. He walks inside and asks "Alright, so where's this old lady with the rotten tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4rtg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_goes_to_order_a_drink/
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What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?

They both thought "my Mom's gonna kill me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4qaz/what_does_a_pregnant_teenager_and_her_baby_have/
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The Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife, terribly concerned, suggested that he see sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill refused - he'd be too embarrassed, he said, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
So a few weeks later, Bill came home one day, white-faced. His wife knew something was seriously wrong. "My God, Bill, what's wrong?" she asked. Bill looked at her. "Do you remember when I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh Bill, you didn't," she moaned, horrified.
"Yes, I did," replied Bill.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4p50/the_pickle_slicer/
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How warm is the inside of a Tauntaun?

Lukewarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4p29/how_warm_is_the_inside_of_a_tauntaun/
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What do you call it when a cow gives no milk?

An udder failure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4jm9/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_cow_gives_no_milk/
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So there we were, 2 vs 100. We prepared our attack and started off strong...

Killed 'em both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4gwm/so_there_we_were_2_vs_100_we_prepared_our_attack/
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Why can't a blonde count to 70?

Because 69 is a mouthful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4g8c/why_cant_a_blonde_count_to_70/
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My parrot died today...

I think its last words were, "Fuck, I think my parrot is dying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4ei4/my_parrot_died_today/
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Spider-man is the story of the average teenager

First, muscles begin to develop. Hair starts to grow from unusual places. White stuff comes out when you play with your hands for awhile.
And a black guy frequently beats you up wanting to "assimilate" with you. Your best friend's father becomes a sociopath who is interested more in stripping you naked than taking care of his own family. And a fat dude with a tentacle fetish wants to do weird things to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4efz/spiderman_is_the_story_of_the_average_teenager/
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Funny how when a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls, he's a stud...

But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of studs, she's doing horse porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4ef0/funny_how_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_a_bunch_of_girls/
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So I was at the strip club the other day, and the dancer comes over, takes my glasses, and goes back to dancing on stage.

No big deal. She then comes back, puts my glasses on me, and requests that I tip her. I refused, she asked why, and I told her "You stole my glasses, I couldn't see anything".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4e2w/so_i_was_at_the_strip_club_the_other_day_and_the/
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Why did the blind lady fall in a well?

because she couldn't see that well﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4c64/why_did_the_blind_lady_fall_in_a_well/
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Chicken or egg?

One morning at breakfast I tried to engage my two daughters in a little metaphysical thinking.
"Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" I asked.
My six year old said, "There had to be a chicken to lay an egg?"
I pushed her: "But didn't there have to be an egg for the first chicken to hatch out of?"
As the six year old pondered I looked at my three year old who had a disgusted look on her face.
"What do you think?"
The three year old ended the discussion when she said: "And God said let there be chickens!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m4b6k/chicken_or_egg/
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are all drinking together at a bar.

The priest says, "Okay, guys, I don't mean to brag, but this year alone, I've gotten over a hundred people signed up for RCIA, which is a new record for our parish."
The minister shakes his head. "Are you kidding me? That's nothing. I've saved over three hundred people in the past year and a half!"
The rabbi simply laughs. "You guys are pathetic! Attendance rates at our synagogue are at an all-time high, and we're getting converts every week!"
"Well, to decide who's better, we should hold a competition," says the priest.
"I agree," replies the minister. "It shouldn't be easy, either."
"I know!" the rabbi exclaims. "Whoever can convert a bear to their respective faith will be declared the winner!"
So, the three leave the bar, and a week passes before they meet up again. The priest and the minister both show up a few minutes early and order their drinks. They wait for fifteen minutes before finally, the rabbi stumbles into the bar, his arm in a cast and his face covered in claw marks.
Both guys ask the poor rabbi what happened, but he simply shakes his head. "Nah, it's not important. I'll tell you later. How did you guys do with the bear?"
"Well," the priest proclaims proudly, "I got the bear all signed up for RCIA, and he'll be baptized next Sunday!"
"And I already saved the bear!" says the minister. "At this moment, he's currently out in the wood, preaching to and converting all the little squirrels and deer!"
"So how did you do?" the priest asks the rabbi.
Once again, the rabbi simply shakes his head. "I *really* shouldn't have started with circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m49yv/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_are_all_drinking/
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Titanium is a most amorous metal...

When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m49jz/titanium_is_a_most_amorous_metal/
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What does a cow with no lips say?

Ooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m45mc/what_does_a_cow_with_no_lips_say/
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My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier.

One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty.
That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his armpit and flatten it into a patty.
My uncle was absolutely disgusted as they had hamburgers every Thursday for his 2 year deployment. While he was curled over a trash can trying to control his stomach the chef pipes up:
"If you think that's bad you oughta be here the day we make donuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m44ey/my_uncle_was_in_the_navy_stationed_on_an_aircraft/
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I heard a story about a cannibal who had an obsession with cooking his victim's organs...

It was really heart-warming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m40i3/i_heard_a_story_about_a_cannibal_who_had_an/
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What's the difference between the English National Football Team and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer
^^^^football=soccer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3yrk/whats_the_difference_between_the_english_national/
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My New Year's resolution?

3840 × 2160

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3xdz/my_new_years_resolution/
%
Queen Elizabeth II visits a hospital...

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating. "Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die" "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed." On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?" The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3wn0/queen_elizabeth_ii_visits_a_hospital/
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What does a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?

They both thought "my mom's gonna kill me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3ttu/what_does_a_pregnant_teen_and_her_baby_have_in/
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There are 4 states of matter... Solids, Liquids, Gases, and

Black lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3tk3/there_are_4_states_of_matter_solids_liquids_gases/
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An Asian person robbed my house.

1. My homework is done.
2. My computer is upgraded to its maximum potential.
3. There's a person trying to back out of the driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3rai/an_asian_person_robbed_my_house/
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I hate it when I'm at someone's party and they keep asking stupid questions like...

"Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3qja/i_hate_it_when_im_at_someones_party_and_they_keep/
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An Egyptian man won't accept that he is a bad swimmer, so he jumped into the river...

He's still in the Nile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3psc/an_egyptian_man_wont_accept_that_he_is_a_bad/
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The New Recruit

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3nlt/the_new_recruit/
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I think my friend is a vampire

I stabbed him in the heart with a wooden stake and he died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3l8o/i_think_my_friend_is_a_vampire/
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A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher.......

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this @#%!ing badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR @#%!ing BADGE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3jw2/a_dea_agent_stopped_at_a_ranch_in_texas_and/
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I like my enemies how Americans like their tea

Weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3hrw/i_like_my_enemies_how_americans_like_their_tea/
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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3hlt/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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Why Do Adrenaline Junkies Go Camping

Because it's in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3gh1/why_do_adrenaline_junkies_go_camping/
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I am really good in bed!

I can sleep for a whole 12 hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3dmv/i_am_really_good_in_bed/
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Sometimes when I'm taking a dump, I just have to chuckle.

You know, for shits and giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3db1/sometimes_when_im_taking_a_dump_i_just_have_to/
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why did abe lincoln get released from prison?

because he's in a cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3clb/why_did_abe_lincoln_get_released_from_prison/
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I once went to a Reddit restaurant

unfortunately all of the servers were busy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m3aoa/i_once_went_to_a_reddit_restaurant/
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Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m38er/funny_that_when_a_guy_sleeps_with_tons_of_girls/
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Some oxymorons

An oxymoron is a phrase with two words put together that are opposite in meaning and thus create a new meaning.
Here are some examples:
1) Living Dead
2) Jumbo Shrimp
3) Happy Marriage
4) Intelligent Redditor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m35t7/some_oxymorons/
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Brian and the Hen

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep.
When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”
The mysterious Man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom, and I’m St Peter”.
Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back straight away.”
St. Peter replied, “Yes you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Brian began to consider his options.
He was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
Advertisement
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground…
“This ain’t so bad,” he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, “so you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad,” replied Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”
“Never,” replied Brian
“Well just relax and let it happen.”
So Brian focussed on his breathe and relaxed, and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him. His emotions even got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
“Brian! Wake up you drunken bastard, you’re sh****ng the bed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m31e7/brian_and_the_hen/
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Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m30em/why_does_a_milking_stool_only_have_3_legs/
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My girlfriend says that having a small penis isn't an issue in our relationship..

I still wish she didn't have one though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m2wst/my_girlfriend_says_that_having_a_small_penis_isnt/
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Hostage jokes aren't funny...

Unless you execute them well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m2vbf/hostage_jokes_arent_funny/
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Lil Jonny asks for little Sally's hand in marriage

Lil Jonny who is about 4 years old confidently walks up to little Sally's dad and says " Sir, I would like to ask your permission for Sally's hand in marriage!"  Little Sally's dad taken back by this thinks it's just the cutest thing he has ever heard. So he ponders and say's "ok lil Jonny, if the two of you were to marry where would you live?"  Lil Jonny scratches his head and say's "well her room is bigger than mine and we might have to move some stuff around but I think it will do just fine for us."  Sally's dad lets out a chuckle but clearly impressed the kid even had a answer so he says.. "Ok what about money?" Lil Jonny looks down at his shoes and then back square in his eyes and says "well sir, I make 3 dollars a week by taking out the trash and she makes two dollars from helping her mom, I know it's not much but  I think that will be just fine." The father grins again impressed thinking this is to cute. So he decides to put lil Jonny to the real test and he says " Look lil Jonny, Marriage is about raising a family, what will you do should the two of you have kids?"  Lil Jonny looks at him and reply's "well sir we've been lucky so far"
Lil Sally's dad no longer thinks the little shit is so cute anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m2v3w/lil_jonny_asks_for_little_sallys_hand_in_marriage/
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How is this story joke? I created it to present to class tomorrow.

It's supposed to last between 45 seconds to a minute. Is it funny? What can I improve?
A man is driving along a road, and starts to hear a clunking noise coming from under the hood of his car. Luckily for him, an auto repair shop is just down the road. As he drives into the shop’s garage, he’s greeted by a waddling penguin. The man, who is absolutely confused as to why a penguin would be in a car shop, looks around for another person. There’s no one but the penguin, who has approached his driver’s side window. The man says to himself “I must be going crazy, this penguin can’t be a mechanic.” “But I am sir”, squawks the penguin, “professionally trained and certified”. The man is completely beside himself. After several awkward seconds the man manages to compose himself again and asks “I’m very grateful you’re a mechanic, but how does a penguin end up in this line of work?” The penguin cocks its head and squawks “I wanted to be a pilot, but penguins can’t fly”
A man boards a bus for his journey home. To his surprise, the driver is a penguin. Looking around, none of the other passengers seem bothered. “I must be going crazy, this driver can’t possibly be a penguin.” he mutters to himself “But I am, sir”, squawks the penguin, “professionally trained and certified”. After an awkward silence, the man regains his composure and asks “How does a penguin end up in this line of work?” It squawks in reply “I wanted to be a pilot, but penguins can’t fly.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m2ugn/how_is_this_story_joke_i_created_it_to_present_to/
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How do you know you're talking to an extroverted engineer?

When they ask you a question, they look at *your* shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m2tru/how_do_you_know_youre_talking_to_an_extroverted/
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Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today

Should've cooked it on aloha temperature..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m2rcv/burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
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Last night I asked my wife for a 68 ...

She said: What that ?
I said: You go down on me and I owe you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m2os8/last_night_i_asked_my_wife_for_a_68/
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I asked my date if she'd ever done drugs.

"No," she said, taking a sip of her water.
I said, "Well, you have now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m2nek/i_asked_my_date_if_shed_ever_done_drugs/
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Last night I asked my Asian girlfriend for 69...

She made me sweet and sour pork with fried rice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m2mun/last_night_i_asked_my_asian_girlfriend_for_69/
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A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins?

The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m2joo/a_dumb_blonde_a_smart_blonde_and_santa_claus_are/
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A Chinaman goes to the eye doctor..

After the exam the doctor said, "I know why you're having trouble." The Chinaman says, "Why?" Doctor said, "You have a cataract." Chinaman says, "No, I have a Rincoln Continental."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m2ev0/a_chinaman_goes_to_the_eye_doctor/
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Interviewer: I heard you were extremly quick at Math...

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "that's not even close"
me: "yeah, but it was fast"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m2er8/interviewer_i_heard_you_were_extremly_quick_at/
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Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital.

They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "I have good news and I have bad news. First the bad news: Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones. "Will she ever recover?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her. Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Of course, you must clean her immediately to avoid bedsores."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to withe off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder, and says "I also have some good news"
"What could possibly be good about this!" Wails Mr. Jones
Dr. Smith: "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m25du/mr_jones_gets_a_call_from_the_hospital/
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What did John and Yoko say when their son wouldn't eat his vegetables?

"All we are saying is give peas a chance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m257a/what_did_john_and_yoko_say_when_their_son_wouldnt/
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what is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m24oj/what_is_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m24lt/a_cruise_ship_sinks_in_the_middle_of_the_sea/
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How do you know when you have a high sperm count?

Your partner has to chew before swallowing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m248b/how_do_you_know_when_you_have_a_high_sperm_count/
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A duck walks into a library...

A duck walks into a library and stands in front of an understandably puzzled librarian. It quacks once. In a moment of inspiration, the librarian decided that the bird wishes to borrow a book so she places an appropriate volume under one of its wings. The duck waddles out.
The next day the duck returns and quacks twice at the librarian who gives it two books, one under each wing. The third day, the duck quacks thrice and the librarian gives it three books, one under each wing and one in its beak. The duck waddles. By this time, the librarian is becoming very curious about what the duck is doing with her library’s stock so when the duck returns the next day and quacks four times, she gives it three books as before and follows carrying the fourth book.
The bird waddles down the road and turns off into a wood. In a clearing there is a pond with all the library books strewn around the perimeter. On a lily pad in the middle of the pond sits a large bullfrog. The duck carefully sheds two of the tomes it is carrying and swims out with the third to the bullfrog who gives it a quick disdainful look.
“REDDIT”, he croaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m245e/a_duck_walks_into_a_library/
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My motto in life is always give 100%.

Which makes blood donation quite tricky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m243u/my_motto_in_life_is_always_give_100/
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What is grey and comes in quarts?

Elephants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m23ih/what_is_grey_and_comes_in_quarts/
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What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m1wgz/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
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I've recently been diagnosed as delusional.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m1uho/ive_recently_been_diagnosed_as_delusional/
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What do you call a bouncy plane?

Boeing Boeing Boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m1rq6/what_do_you_call_a_bouncy_plane/
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If I ever get a dog, I'll name her Robbery

When I get to store, I'll tell "Get down, Robbery". Dog lies and the whole store too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m1qkf/if_i_ever_get_a_dog_ill_name_her_robbery/
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I found a wallet today, and as a practicing Christian, I asked myself "what would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m1l57/i_found_a_wallet_today_and_as_a_practicing/
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The chicken and the egg are in their rooms masturbating

I'll let you know which one comes first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m1hux/the_chicken_and_the_egg_are_in_their_rooms/
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Coming to work drunk, it's like a computer games

Your main task is get pass the boss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m1fra/coming_to_work_drunk_its_like_a_computer_games/
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As I slipt my finger slowly inside her hole...

...I could imediatly feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out, but within seconds she was going down on me.
I thought to myself....I really need a new boat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m1brh/as_i_slipt_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole/
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A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car.

The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away.
The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost.
The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money."
The lawyer says, "How DARE you call me materialistic."
The cop replies, "Well, you've been so concerned about your car that you didn't notice that your arm is missing."
The lawyer screams, "FUCK! My Rolex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m18hz/a_lawyer_is_sitting_in_his_parked_bmw_when_a_tow/
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Why don't communists ever learn?

Because there are no classes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m18as/why_dont_communists_ever_learn/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in the ninth grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m183z/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_in_the/
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What are the two saddest words of the English Language?

'What party? '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m16ea/what_are_the_two_saddest_words_of_the_english/
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A girl with no arms or legs is lying on the beach, begging all the passing men to have sex with her.

Finally a man pauses for more than a second.
"Please! I'm 25 years old and I've never been fucked!"
The man considers the situation briefly, picks her up and throws her into the ocean.
From the choppy water, she screams her dismay, to which the man answers, "Now you're fucked!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m15qz/a_girl_with_no_arms_or_legs_is_lying_on_the_beach/
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What do you call a group of Jewish friends?

Hebros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m15ot/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_jewish_friends/
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My wife wanted to get a cat.

I really didn't want one, so after a lot of discussions, we reached a compromise: we're getting a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m13r3/my_wife_wanted_to_get_a_cat/
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My life is completely miserable

I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than at a local fast food joint. What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that will hire high school graduates. This is the only job I've ever had and I'll probably never get a better one. My coworker harrases me all day, and I if I told this to my boss, he'd only cut my already low salary. All that fuckface cares about is money and his fat daughter.
Outside of work, I don't do much. My best friend is mentally retarded, but I guess that's better than nothing. I have a pet, but I think he hates me, and only stays for the food. I'm also in love with one of my few friends. She's an athletic, intelligent, gorgeous southern belle who just moved here, but I'm pretty sure she hates me too. Fuck.
And guess what? I'm stuck in this town because I never learned to drive. I fail the driver's license EVERY FUCKING TIME. EVERY MOTHERFUCKING TIME. FUCK THIS. FUCK MY LIFE.
And too make it all worse, I live in a pineapple under the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0wuc/my_life_is_completely_miserable/
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You don't' have to be upset, if nobody notices you

You'd make a decent sniper!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0wgy/you_dont_have_to_be_upset_if_nobody_notices_you/
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My daughter asked, "What was your favorite thing to do in your 20's in Oklahoma?"

"Leave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0w9p/my_daughter_asked_what_was_your_favorite_thing_to/
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One day Mom was cleaning junior's room

and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0vtr/one_day_mom_was_cleaning_juniors_room/
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A businessman hires an Italian, and Irishman, and a Chinese Man to develop a mine...

The businessman turns to the Irishman and says,
"You are a strong and able man, which is why I want you to dig the tunnels."
The businessman turns to the Italian and says,
"You are a craftsman, which is why I want you to place the tracks in the tunnels."
The businessman turns to the Chinese Man. He scratches his head as he says,
"You can handle the supplies."
A few months pass and the businessman returns to the mine. He notices the expertise with which the Irishman built the tunnels, and the finesse of the Italian who placed the tracks which ran so smoothly. As he walked through the mine, he wondered where the Chinese Man was. Just then, as he rounded a corner, the Chinese Man jumped up and shouted
SUPPLIES !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0vge/a_businessman_hires_an_italian_and_irishman_and_a/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

About halfway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0u52/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_ocean/
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Two ISIS members are enjoying a nice pint of goat milk

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He is a martyr. This is my second son. He is also a martyr. I feel so proud!"
His friend nods, "They blow up so fast don't they?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0tyd/two_isis_members_are_enjoying_a_nice_pint_of_goat/
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A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident...

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0qdl/a_very_handsome_man_gets_into_a_terrible_car/
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How do you know a introvert likes you...

He stares at your shoes instead of his.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0nkq/how_do_you_know_a_introvert_likes_you/
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Did you hear about the movie,"Constipation"?

...it never came out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0mru/did_you_hear_about_the_movieconstipation/
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I used to be a missing cat

Now I'm in a band

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0mm5/i_used_to_be_a_missing_cat/
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There was a man in Algeria who drove a train for a living....

There was a man in Algeria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single apple as his last meal.
After eating the apple, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Algerian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two apples.
After eating the apples, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three apples.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid apples and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the apples had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0lxw/there_was_a_man_in_algeria_who_drove_a_train_for/
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How do you kill a circus clown?

Go for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0li0/how_do_you_kill_a_circus_clown/
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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe

.. and placed his order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0kx5/a_trucker_came_into_a_truck_stop_cafe/
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I was in a car accident.

I got rear ended the other day, and the driver, who was less than 4 feet tall, started yelling and hollering.
He screamed, "I am NOT HAPPY!", so I yelled back, "WELL WHICH ARE YOU THEN?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0iaj/i_was_in_a_car_accident/
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Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks?

The riverbank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0h9o/where_do_beavers_go_to_cash_their_paychecks/
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One day a lizard is walking through the jungle when he hears laughing up in a tree...

...He looks up, and in the tree above him he sees a monkey smoking a joint and laughing to himself.
He yells up, "Hey, you got any more of that?"
The monkey says, "Sure man, come on up!"
So the lizard climbs up the tree to the monkey and they start smoking. After three joints, the lizard is baked and tells the monkey, "Hey man I got cotton mouth really bad. I need to go to the river and get a drink."
The monkey says "Sure man."
So the lizard climbs down and stumbles to the riverbank. He leans over to start drinking and SPLASH he falls in. An alligator swimming by sees him fall in and swims over to help him. He lifts him out of the water and says, "Hey buddy, are you ok? What happened?"
The lizard says, "Man there is a monkey smoking joints in a tree down the trail and he got me so baked that when I tried to drink I fell in."
The alligator says, "Really? Does he have any more?"
The lizard says, "Probably, he is back that way."
So the alligator heads down the trail until he finds the laughing monkey in the tree.
When he gets there he shouts up to the monkey, "Hey there! Got any more of those joints?!"
The monkey looks down at him and with a serious face says...
"FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK man! How much water did you drink?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0glj/one_day_a_lizard_is_walking_through_the_jungle/
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A black man walks into a bar...

A black man walks into a bar, and on his shoulder is a beautiful parrot.
Upon seeing that, the bartender is very impressed and asks, "Where did you get it?"
The parrot replies, "Africa, of course."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0e08/a_black_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends...

I really hope it's Todd, he's cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0aar/my_friends_say_there_is_a_gay_guy_in_our_circle/
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Chuck Norris's Daughter Lost her Virginity...

He got it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m09c6/chuck_norriss_daughter_lost_her_virginity/
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Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

Because they could spend years at C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0917/why_does_it_take_pirates_so_long_to_learn_the/
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What kind of tank flies?

A Peter Panzer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m08gs/what_kind_of_tank_flies/
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What kind of metal was the Titanic made out of?

Zinc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m08g0/what_kind_of_metal_was_the_titanic_made_out_of/
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Where does a werewolf get a new tail?

At the re-tail store!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m08c9/where_does_a_werewolf_get_a_new_tail/
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Teacher: Where is the English Channel

?
Student: I don't know, my tv doesn't pick it up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m08ae/teacher_where_is_the_english_channel/
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A priest and driver died

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m07tg/a_priest_and_driver_died/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife won't let him use socks anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m06u6/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
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Did you hear about a band called 1020 MB?

They haven't got a gig yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m05os/did_you_hear_about_a_band_called_1020_mb/
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Stephen Hawking can be pretty funny sometimes,

But I dont think he could do standup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m03dv/stephen_hawking_can_be_pretty_funny_sometimes/
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I met a disgruntled farmer in the pub today

“You look disgruntled,” I said. “What’s the story?”
“I ordered a couple of tons of manure,” he replied gloomily. “It arrived today.”
“Is that bad?”
“Well, you see, it was fake.”
“Fake?”
“Yes, fake manure.”
“I didn’t even know that was a thing.”
“Well, it is. And it’s useless for farming.”
“U’m sorry to hear that.”
After a long pause, he spoke again. “But on the bright side, my hair is insanely soft.”
“What’s that got to do with anything?” I asked, puzzled.
“Well, it’s all thanks to the sham poo.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m038c/i_met_a_disgruntled_farmer_in_the_pub_today/
%
A brunette tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian"

The blonde replies, "Oh, you slut! How many is a brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m02dl/a_brunette_tells_her_blonde_stepsister_i_slept/
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What do you get when you place a Russian leader on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m0272/what_do_you_get_when_you_place_a_russian_leader/
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What Reaper says when he is going to hair dresser?

DYE DYE DYE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5m01d6/what_reaper_says_when_he_is_going_to_hair_dresser/
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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.
He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?"
"At school."
The robot slaps the son.
"Okay, I went to the movies!"
The father asks, "Which one?"
"Harry Potter."
The robot slaps the son again.
"Okay, I was watching porn!"
The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lzwwu/a_man_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps_people/
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There are 10 types of people in this world

Those that understand binary and those that don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lzwov/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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The Watch

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lzv38/the_watch/
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So I was talking to Abrham Lincoln

And I asked him, "what are you doing tonight?".
He said, "My wife's dragging me to a play somebody please kill me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lzsnj/so_i_was_talking_to_abrham_lincoln/
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I was buying a 12 pack of condoms earlier.

The cashier asked if I'd like a bag, I said "Nah, I'll just turn the lights off".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lzq69/i_was_buying_a_12_pack_of_condoms_earlier/
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How are a priest and a lamp similar? [NSFW]

Both can get turned on by little kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lzlim/how_are_a_priest_and_a_lamp_similar_nsfw/
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What's the difference between a car and a computer?

I didn't crash my computer while watching porn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lzkzq/whats_the_difference_between_a_car_and_a_computer/
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The husband was filled with pleasure...

...with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lzju9/the_husband_was_filled_with_pleasure/
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands.
I love that joke because it never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lzje4/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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The Sex Doctor

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lzjb2/the_sex_doctor/
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A women has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named Amal. The other one goes to a family in Spain, and is named Juan. Years later, Juan send a picture of himself to his biological mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But honey, they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lzir1/a_women_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
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What did the Italian chef say when his boss tried to pick a fight?

You wanna pizza me?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lzfhw/what_did_the_italian_chef_say_when_his_boss_tried/
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A Scotsman is out walking with his girlfriend.

They walk by a hot dog stand, and the girl exclaims, "Mmm, that smells so good!"
"Oh," the Scotsman answers, "do you want to go walk past it again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lzam9/a_scotsman_is_out_walking_with_his_girlfriend/
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Great news, I've got a new dishwasher!

Well, the wedding is in 2 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lzacs/great_news_ive_got_a_new_dishwasher/
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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lz9tm/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lz84n/my_buddy_just_came_to_me_all_depressed_and_said/
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What are you looking at when you see two homeless dudes hitting each other with bits of cardboard?

A pillow fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lz7w2/what_are_you_looking_at_when_you_see_two_homeless/
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Telling your date that she reminds you of your ex is a bit like farting after a curry.

It's risky and is probably not best done during a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lz74f/telling_your_date_that_she_reminds_you_of_your_ex/
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I knew she was the one the moment she said those three words that took my breath away...

"THAT'S GONNA SMELL!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lz704/i_knew_she_was_the_one_the_moment_she_said_those/
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What do you call a gay milkman?

A dairy queen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lz6jx/what_do_you_call_a_gay_milkman/
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A Comparison of the Different Languages

**French**: This chair is feminine. "La Chaise"
**Italian**: This chair is feminine! "La Sedia"
**German**: This chair is masculine. "Der Stuhl"
**English**: This chair is an object, I don't see how it has a gender.
**Japanese**: If you don't pronounce chair exactly right, you'll end up calling your mother a pair of rotten testicles instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lz5mx/a_comparison_of_the_different_languages/
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The bible purposely leaves out the decade of Jesus' life in his 20s because he was clearly a ladies man...

I mean, he can turn water into wine, and was well hung. What do you expect!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lz4gb/the_bible_purposely_leaves_out_the_decade_of/
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Why does Piglet smell?

Because he plays with Pooh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lz2tt/why_does_piglet_smell/
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Cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law? I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lz0ls/cyanide/
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What does the Alt-Right drink?

White whine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lyzqm/what_does_the_altright_drink/
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I told my friend about the Muslim slave trade the other day...

"Dubai?" He asked
"Yes, and sell" I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lyx7u/i_told_my_friend_about_the_muslim_slave_trade_the/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lytue/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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I spent too much money on video games this month.

All of my savings have gone up in Steam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lyr5m/i_spent_too_much_money_on_video_games_this_month/
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How did the programmer celebrate his birthday?

var celebration = ["Hip", "Hip"];

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lyoh9/how_did_the_programmer_celebrate_his_birthday/
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What's a bisexual's favourite food item?

Chestnuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lyn7f/whats_a_bisexuals_favourite_food_item/
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Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lyln8/why_did_the_golfer_bring_an_extra_pair_of_pants/
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Punctuation can really change a sentence.

For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes "Let's eat punctuation".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lyk7z/punctuation_can_really_change_a_sentence/
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A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lyfhq/a_blonde_decides_to_learn_and_try_horse_back/
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My friend recently visited London.

He said everyone was very polite, except in Greenwich. Whenever he asked someone for the time they got all mean about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lydy7/my_friend_recently_visited_london/
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What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?

Freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lybrk/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_man_and_a/
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We changed our dog's name to Dad.

Because he kept running away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lyart/we_changed_our_dogs_name_to_dad/
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What sort of underwear does the ghost of a French baker wear?

Boulangerie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ly7wu/what_sort_of_underwear_does_the_ghost_of_a_french/
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TIFU by eating someone else's sandwich.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxvot/tifu_by_eating_someone_elses_sandwich/
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What's the difference between a washing machine and a virgin?

A washing machine doesn't follow the guy around for 2 weeks after he drops a load in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxtbp/whats_the_difference_between_a_washing_machine/
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In a small country pub,

all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail. The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said, "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied, "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?" The little dog explained what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind. So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. "My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?", asked the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied, "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxt9z/in_a_small_country_pub/
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Cop pulls over bad driver

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxrzu/cop_pulls_over_bad_driver/
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I tried phone sex once...

But the holes in the dial were too small.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxrfv/i_tried_phone_sex_once/
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The wife complains I never buy her flowers.

I never knew she sold them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxq31/the_wife_complains_i_never_buy_her_flowers/
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It was two o'clock in the morning

... and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxpl9/it_was_two_oclock_in_the_morning/
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Warehouse fire (long)

There was a warehouse that caught fire. It started as a single alarm fire but quickly grew to a 3 alarm blaze. The owner of the warehouse arrived on scene and quickly realized that the fire department wasn't going to be able to save the building. His biggest concern was the secret formula stored in his office.
He approached the chief and said "Sir, I don't care about the building but you have to save my secret formula! If you do, I will give you $500,000."
The chief thought about all the fire engines that $500,000 could buy and decided to send a crew to get the formula. The crew made it half way there before they had to turn back due to the conditions.
By this time, the blaze had reached 4 alarms and the owner upped his offer to 1 million dollars. The chief decided to take a different approach and send a crew around the back side but again, conditions were too bad and they had to back out.
While all of this was going on, no one noticed the lone, old, volunteer engine company coming in from the neighboring town. Much to everyone's amazement, the old engine with its crew drove right past all of the new and state of the art fire apparatus, into the blaze, and out of the other side of the building with a filing cabinet stuck to the front bumper. The warehouse owner saw that it was the cabinet that contained his secret formula and decided that such an act of heroism and bravery deserved the reward to be doubled again to 2 million dollars.
Upon telling the chief of the old engine company that they were getting such a large sum of money, the owner couldn't help but ask, "What are you going to do with 2 million dollars?"
The old chief's response was, "Well first we are going to fix the damn brakes..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxpb8/warehouse_fire_long/
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I'm launching an app that reads out nihilist quotes.

It's aimed at a Nietzsche market

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxob5/im_launching_an_app_that_reads_out_nihilist_quotes/
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I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxn72/i_was_a_very_happy_man/
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A man sued an airline company after they lost his luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxmbb/a_man_sued_an_airline_company_after_they_lost_his/
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[Long] A panda walks into a fancy restaurant.

He proceeds to order many different dishes. The waiter is confused about how the panda is going to pay for all the food; nevertheless he brings him the meal anyway.
When the panda is done eating, the waiter brings him the bill. But the panda simply pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter, and exits out the front door.
The manager emerges from the back, wondering what the loud noise is all about. He sees the waiter slumped on the table and frantically calls the cops.
When the cops arrive, they shake their heads and say, "I'm afraid we can't help you."
"Why not?!" The manager demands.
"Well, haven't you read a dictionary?" The cop responds. At the manager's look of confusion, the cop recites:
"Panda: a large bear like animal. *Eats shoots and leaves*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxiws/long_a_panda_walks_into_a_fancy_restaurant/
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What do you call a white guy surrounded by five black guys?

Coach.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by eleven black guys?
Football coach.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by hundreds of black guys?
Warden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxfhz/what_do_you_call_a_white_guy_surrounded_by_five/
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A couple was driving home late at night.....

.....suddenly a cop car appeared from no where and they pulled over.
Cop, "Sir, do you know how wrecklesly you were switching the lanes?"
Guy, "Sorry officer, I am drunk as fuck!"
Cop, "That is still no reason to let your girlfriend drive the car!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxd98/a_couple_was_driving_home_late_at_night/
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What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?

They both want to get there before the hair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lxb4m/what_do_paedophiles_and_tortoises_have_in_common/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lx8ra/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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What does College fill you with?

Trivia and beer.
Sometimes trivia that wins you beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lx78n/what_does_college_fill_you_with/
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A black and a Mexican are in a car.. Who's driving?

The police

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lx2zh/a_black_and_a_mexican_are_in_a_car_whos_driving/
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A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship...

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you! The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns. When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lx2oe/a_sailor_was_caught_awol_as_he_tried_to_sneak_on/
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The Clinton Democrat and the Idiot

An idiot in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Clinton Democrat.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Trumpist."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are , due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lx1qe/the_clinton_democrat_and_the_idiot/
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An old Persian joke

Long ago, there lived a poor peasant in the Persian Empire. The man had, some years before, lost his luck. His wife died, his meager wealth ebbed further away, and the poor peasant was on the verge of starvation. Realizing his life was growing grim, he decided that he would find his luck out there in the world and take it back.
Packing what little belongings he had, the man set out on a quest to find his missing luck.
As he walked through a large, open plain, he stumbled upon a lion, which was moaning on the ground. The peasant approached and said, "what troubles you?"
The lion coughed and responded, "I am gravely ill, and it seems there is no cure. I seem to have no luck."
The peasant smiled and said, "Well, as it so happens, I am on a quest to find my own luck. I am poor and widowed, and I need to get my life back on track."
The lion looked at the man for a moment, snorted, and said, "Well, tell you what. You find that luck of yours and ask it how I can be treated. Then we'll both be lucky."
The man agreed to the lion's sickly request and continued on.
Later, he approached a large tree, where a weeping farmer sat below it. The peasant approached him and asked, "what troubles you?"
The farmer tearfully responded, "Why, I'm just about broke. My wife and kids are starving and I have no money to provide for them. It seems my luck's run out."
The peasant told him of his own missing luck. The farmer gave a small smile and said, "Well, if you find your luck, could you ask it how we could get our own luck back and get wealthy again?"
The peasant agreed and carried on.
His next stop was at a small village, where the town guards quickly brought him before the village chief. The chief looked the peasant up and down before saying, "What brings you to my village?"
The peasant told the chief of his quest. The chief responded, "Well, I seem to be out of luck myself. I have no son to rule the village after me. This whole town could fall to disarray! If you find your luck, you ask it what to do about my succession, alright?"
The peasant agreed, and carried on.
At long last the peasant found a small hut. At once, he knew this must be where his luck was. Walking in, he yelled, "Luck! Are you here?"
Like magic, his luck appeared before him! "Finally," his luck said. "I've been waiting ages for you! How have you been holding up?"
The peasant told him of his current struggles and that of his journey.
"Well my good friend, I can assure you that your luck has returned. As for the chief, tell him that he needs only to marry his daughter off to a man, and their child will be a son certainly fit to rule the village. For the farmer, simply tell him that the very tree he cries beneath houses an ancient treasure, certain to feed his family for many years. And for the lion, all treatments have failed for a simple reason: he needs the dumbest person alive to treat him."
The peasant began his return quest home, luck in hand. He first stopped at the village and told the chief of the solution.
"Excellent!" the Chief exclaimed. "My luck has returned after all! You can marry my daughter, and the village will be saved!"
The peasant laughed. "In this dunghole? When my luck just returned? Absolutely not! Good luck to you!" and the peasant continued on his way.
He then found the crying farmer and told him of the treasure beneath him. "By Zoroaster! We're saved! Our luck has returned after all! Please, stay with us and share in the treasure! We'll never starve again!"
The peasant laughed. "My luck has returned, old man. I have no need for such meager treasure when bounties of gold await me!"
The peasant continued on his way home.
He stopped by the dying lion in the grass. "Well, did you find your luck?" the lion inquired.
"Oh, that I did!" said the peasant. "I saved a poor farmer by giving him a small treasure, and aided a village chief by telling him to marry off his lovely daughter. Both wanted me to stay, but with the luck I have now? I have no need for such lowly individuals."
The lion frowned. "I see. And...did you ask your luck of my plight?"
The peasant beamed. "Indeed! All you need to do is be treated by the dumbest man alive!"
The lion chuckled. "Well, they say the best treatment is a good meal. I guess my luck has returned after all!"
And the lion swallowed the peasant whole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lx1h7/an_old_persian_joke/
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How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwr1s/how_bout_a_blowjob/
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How many friend-zoned guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwp15/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
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Why don't lesbians make good cooks?

They're always eating out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwo7t/why_dont_lesbians_make_good_cooks/
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My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwo21/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
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What do you call the bottom of a donkey's shoes?

Ass-soles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwmrm/what_do_you_call_the_bottom_of_a_donkeys_shoes/
%
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwmqw/my_lesbian_neighbors_asked_me_what_i_wanted_for/
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Hey are you a slinky?

Because you're not very useful, but always bring a smile to my face when pushed down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwmmv/hey_are_you_a_slinky/
%
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes, we can keep the girl puppy we just found.

Please don't, I don't want two bitches in this house...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwl0j/my_wife_said_if_this_post_gets_1000_upvotes_we/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic, to which the horse replies, "I don't think I am." POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when any philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of cogito ergo sum, or roughly, "I think, therefore I am."
But to explain that concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwkmr/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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An old man is crying on a park bench

An old man is sitting on the park bench crying. Another
man sits down next to him and says, "Sir, why are you crying?"
The old man wipes the tears from his eyes and explains, "I've
got this beautiful, 25 year old wife, she cooks wonderfully,  cleans well, and every night we make passionate love and fall asleep in each others arms."
"So, what the hell is the problem?" The other man says.
"You don't understand... I forgot where I live!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwgve/an_old_man_is_crying_on_a_park_bench/
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I have some advice just in case you ever get cold.

Go stand in a corner... They're usually 90°

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwgtf/i_have_some_advice_just_in_case_you_ever_get_cold/
%
Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?

So she could moan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwf7k/why_did_helen_keller_masturbate_with_only_one_hand/
%
My doctor said I had 2 months to live

So I shot him, the judge gave me 30 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwd2m/my_doctor_said_i_had_2_months_to_live/
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What do you get when you put 20 Meth Heads in 1 room?

A full set of teeth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwcd7/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_20_meth_heads_in_1/
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TIL That in 2014 Netflix announced they wouldn't be pursuing science-fiction themed original content.

But Stranger Things have happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwaxi/til_that_in_2014_netflix_announced_they_wouldnt/
%
First time printing 3D on a screen

**D** **D** **D**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lwafj/first_time_printing_3d_on_a_screen/
%
I'm getting tired of politicians using blanket statements

It's putting me to sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lw90m/im_getting_tired_of_politicians_using_blanket/
%
TIFU. I was heading northbound and attempted a U-turn.

Here's where things went south.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lw7w8/tifu_i_was_heading_northbound_and_attempted_a/
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So there's this guy named Jim, and he moves into a new neighborhood in California.

Looking for a fresh start, Jim gets a well-paying job and moves to the suburbs. Weeks turn to months and months turn to years, and slowly but surely Jim builds a new life with a new routine. Every Monday at 5:30 he goes from work to the grocery store, and gets home from the grocery store at 7.
Unfortunately, Jim has a neighbor named Lisa Nancy, and she's a bit of a nut. Everyday, as Jim unlocks his door at 7, Lisa Nancy emerges from her house, walks onto the porch, and screams "LET THIS NEIGHBORHOOD BE SAFE FROM TIGERS!" Jim finds this only mildly irritating - even comically quirky - until time drags on.
Weeks turn to months and months turn to years, and slowly but surely this habit of Lisa Nancy's grinds on Jim's nerves. Every single Monday at 7: "LET THIS NEIGHBORHOOD BE SAFE FROM TIGERS!" Jim takes up the issue with the homeowner's association, but they can't do anything. He writes letters, makes phone calls, even confronts her face to face - nothing works. Finally, Jim snaps. As he goes home that Monday, like clockwork, Lisa Nancy emerges: "LET THIS NEIGHBORHOOD BE SAFE FROM TIGERS!"
Jim screams back: "THERE ISN'T A TIGER FOR MILES AROUND, YOU DUMB BITCH!"
To which Lisa Nancy replies, "You're welcome!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lw5kt/so_theres_this_guy_named_jim_and_he_moves_into_a/
%
What's Forrest Gumps password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lw4sr/whats_forrest_gumps_password/
%
Superman was feeling super horny when all of a sudden he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude.

He goes at the speed of light, fucks her and flies off, without Wonder Woman even realizing.
Invisible Man gets up off Wonder Woman and says "All of a sudden my ass really hurts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lw0ud/superman_was_feeling_super_horny_when_all_of_a/
%
Bad Parrot

Man decides to buy a parrot for his mother's birthday.  Pet store owner warns him the parrot cusses like a sailor but the man is determined and buys parrot thinking he'll stop the parrot from cussing before Mom's birthday.
First day when parrot cusses the man takes parrot's food away. Being hungry just made parrot cuss more.
On the second day when the parrot cusses, the man covers his cage with a blanket and sticks him in the closet. This just makes the parrot madder and he cusses more.
On the third day when the parrot cusses the man has had it and sticks the parrot in the deep freeze thinking that would cure him. After 30 minutes chillin' the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and the parrot says: "Wh... Wh... What did the t't'turkey do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvxj7/bad_parrot/
%
What has little balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvuwa/what_has_little_balls_and_screws_old_ladies/
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I went to a vegetarian restaurant

I went to an all you can eat vegetarian restaurant the other day and there was this girl who said she knew me but I swear I never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvuv4/i_went_to_a_vegetarian_restaurant/
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I would make a sexist joke

But that would be wrong, and being wrong is for women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvt0c/i_would_make_a_sexist_joke/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvrkq/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
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Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?

CrossFit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvr9e/why_did_jesus_look_so_ripped_during_crucifixion/
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What Do You Call A Cow With Parkinson's

Beef Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvqxc/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_parkinsons/
%
Rural Party

A man moves to Lincolnshire, and is lonely until he gets a visit from a local farmer. The farmer invites him to a party, but warns him:
"There will probably be a lot of heavy drinking."
The man agrees that a bit of booze is a good way to get to know people. The farmer then says:
“There will probably be a lot of fighting."
The man still agrees to go, reckoning that's as good a way as any to get to know people in the community. Then the farmer says:
“The evening will probably end with a fair amount of rough sex.”
The man once more accepts the warning, and judges on balance it's a risk worth taking. As the farmer turns to head home, the man asks him what he should wear. The farmer replies:
"You can wear whatever you like, because it'll just be you and me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvpp5/rural_party/
%
If there is one thing sure to turn Reddit against you...

It's defiantly clickbait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvodv/if_there_is_one_thing_sure_to_turn_reddit_against/
%
Trumps plan to build a wall might actually work

The Chinese built a wall and they have almost no Mexicans in their country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvkuc/trumps_plan_to_build_a_wall_might_actually_work/
%
Why did the cookie get fired from his job?

He came to work baked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvk74/why_did_the_cookie_get_fired_from_his_job/
%
"I couldn't love anyone like you," I told my wife.

"Aw, thanks," she blushed.
I'm glad she didn't understand me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvgti/i_couldnt_love_anyone_like_you_i_told_my_wife/
%
I asked my wife if she liked my hair in a ponytail.

"No," she said. "Just trim your fucking pubes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvgfn/i_asked_my_wife_if_she_liked_my_hair_in_a_ponytail/
%
After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs.

If my wife finds out, she'll fucking kill me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvenw/after_20_years_of_marriage_i_still_get_blow_jobs/
%
Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvdtc/why_did_adele_cross_the_road/
%
Some people have 32 teeth while others have 10...

It's simple meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvdny/some_people_have_32_teeth_while_others_have_10/
%
What is not allowed in the ring, but boxers do every night?

Hit the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvcoe/what_is_not_allowed_in_the_ring_but_boxers_do/
%
My mum said that if I don't get off reddit and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's

jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lvabj/my_mum_said_that_if_i_dont_get_off_reddit_and_do/
%
I'm in a 12 step program for musical theatre addicts.

I'm on step 5, 6, 7, and!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lv61z/im_in_a_12_step_program_for_musical_theatre/
%
A guy asks his mate what they would be if he fucked his wife

Would we still be friends? asked the guy
No ofcourse **not**!
Well uhmm Would we be enemies then?
No ofcourse **not**!
So what would we be then?
We would be even!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lv5wh/a_guy_asks_his_mate_what_they_would_be_if_he/
%
Member when "Member Berries" wasn't the main remember meme?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lv5aj/member_when_member_berries_wasnt_the_main/
%
A kindergarten teacher asked her students what part of the body grew 10x its size when stimulated.

All of the students stayed quiet until Little Susie stood up and said, "I'm going to tell my mommy and daddy what you're teaching us!"
The teacher didn't answer her and asked the class again, "What part of the body grows 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Susie began to turn red in the face and said, "My parents are going to tell the principal and have you fired!"
Again, the teacher ignored her and asked a third time, with Little Mikey finally saying, "The pupil of the eye."
The teacher said, "You're correct, Little Mikey.
"And as for you, Little Susie:
"One, you have a dirty mind.
"Two, you didn't do your homework.
"And three, you're going to be *very* disappointed one day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lv3nq/a_kindergarten_teacher_asked_her_students_what/
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What Should You Do After Ireland Wins The World Cup

Turn off Fifa and go to bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5luwvh/what_should_you_do_after_ireland_wins_the_world/
%
When a programmer is born, what are their first words?

"Hello world!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lute3/when_a_programmer_is_born_what_are_their_first/
%
Do you want to hear a joke about steak?

Never mind, I'll tell you later. But it's very well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lus2w/do_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_steak/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump in the air and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. But if you miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks for the next hour. What do you think? You want to try it?"
"No thanks," says the guy. "The steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5luq8w/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_3_pieces_of_meat/
%
Mario's brother died...

But he was still able to contact him through a Luigi board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lupyx/marios_brother_died/
%
You know the punchline before you're ever told the joke.

What's the worst part about time traveling jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lupcy/you_know_the_punchline_before_youre_ever_told_the/
%
I like my memes the way I like my freudian slips

Send dudes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lunwn/i_like_my_memes_the_way_i_like_my_freudian_slips/
%
What do you call the fee you have to pay a Jewish girl in order to hit on her?

The holla cost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lukvq/what_do_you_call_the_fee_you_have_to_pay_a_jewish/
%
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito.....?

...when you smack a mosquito it stops sucking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lujmx/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a/
%
Here is my online impression of an extractor fan.

I used to like tractors. I don't now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lugsp/here_is_my_online_impression_of_an_extractor_fan/
%
The Berlin Wall Guard

A guard stood in the East crossing of the Berlin Wall when he is approached by a man on a bicycle, carrying a suitcase.
"Before I let you cross, I need to check what's inside your suitcase," the guard says, and takes the suitcase. He puts on his gloves, and opens the case for examination only to find that the case is filled with sand. He sifts through the sand but cannot find anything else, so he closes the suitcase, hands it back and lets the man through.
A couple of weeks later, the man comes back to the crossing guard, again with nothing but the bicycle he was travelling on and his suitcase. The guard, once again, takes the suitcase and sifts through the sand. It's a different type of sand this time, but no matter how hard he tries he cannot figure out what the deal with the sand is, so he lets the man through.
For weeks this happens, always the same man and always a different kind of sand. The guard is perplexed, but he cannot figure it out and there is no reason to not let the man cross the border, so he ignores it.
Eventually, the wall is torn down, and the guard has to find a new job. Years later, he is having a drink in his favourite bar when he spots a familiar face.
"You!" The ex-guard says, "come here. I need you to tell me something."
The man, a bit confused, does what he is told and asks, "is there a problem, sir?"
"You used to come to my station every few weeks to cross the Berlin Wall. You always had your suitcase full of different sands and I knew there was something wrong, but I've been thinking about it for years and I cannot figure out what you were doing. Please tell me, what was the deal with the sand?"
"Oh, that." Says the man. "Well, you see, I definitely wasn't smuggling sand across the border. I promise you that much."
"Then what were you doing?" Begs the guard.
"Smuggling bicycles," the man replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lugoq/the_berlin_wall_guard/
%
What's the difference between two dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lug9m/whats_the_difference_between_two_dicks_and_a_joke/
%
Afterlife

Carl and larry are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Carl  dies. Larry doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Carl. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Larry  asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Larry. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Carl  ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5luep2/afterlife/
%
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ludpw/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
%
A Fisherman, Politician, Husband, and a wife all get stranded on a island inhabited by cannibals

The cannibals capture them and tell them that they used eat and live off fish but after doing it so long they got sick of it and now hate fish.
The cannibals tell them that if they have something good to offer they will let them borrow a boat and leave, and if they don't they will be eaten.
The next day the the cannibals take the politician inside their hut and after a few hours they come out of the hut without the politician.
The cannibals tell the fisherman, husband, and wife, that the politician had nothing to offer so they ate him.
The next day the cannibals take the fisherman into their hut and just like the day before, Only the cannibals came out of the hut after a few hours, and they told the husband and wife that the fisherman had nothing to offer.
The next day the cannibals take the husband into the hut, and after a few minutes the cannibals and the husband comes out of the hut, and the husband gets their boat and sails off to freedom without saying a word to the wife.
The wife asked the cannibals why her husband got set free and the cannibals looked at her and said "We admired his honesty so we let him go free" Looking puzzled the wife asked "What did he say to you?"
The cannibals said "Your husband shared something in common with us, After years of trying to eat you, He got sick of the taste of fish and wants nothing to do with it anymore"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lu93m/a_fisherman_politician_husband_and_a_wife_all_get/
%
Martinis are like boobs

1 is not enough, 3 are too many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lu7mz/martinis_are_like_boobs/
%
TIFU by accidentally giving my vegetarian girlfriend my Italian Sandwich from quizno's instead of her Veggie Delight Sandwich.

Oops wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lu5gi/tifu_by_accidentally_giving_my_vegetarian/
%
There's a man living near me who has 5 Penises.

Rumour has it his underwear fit him like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lu4wc/theres_a_man_living_near_me_who_has_5_penises/
%
And the Lord said unto John,

"Come fourth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lu3sy/and_the_lord_said_unto_john/
%
Where do you store a werewolf?

In a were-house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lu2w1/where_do_you_store_a_werewolf/
%
What is Donald Trump's favourite nation?

Discrimination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lu18i/what_is_donald_trumps_favourite_nation/
%
True fan

It’s the Super Bowl, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the 50yd line. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ the other man replies ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lu0ez/true_fan/
%
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they are both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltz06/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lty5u/i_went_to_a_really_emotional_wedding_the_other_day/
%
A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltxvl/a_teacher_asks_her_class_what_their_favourite/
%
Ceiling meat.

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling . The guy asks "What's this about?" The bartender replies "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies "Nah, the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltwyv/ceiling_meat/
%
Why are there no cats on mars?

Curiosity killed them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltwpo/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
%
I'm absolutely sick and tired of my wife not cleaning out the coffee machine after she's finished with it.

Grounds for divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltqil/im_absolutely_sick_and_tired_of_my_wife_not/
%
Three men were at the gates of Heaven, the guardian claims Heaven is pretty full now and he can only let people with the worst deaths in.. [Long]

So he looks at the first man and asks "How did you die?" The first man responds, "Well I had a suspicion that my wife was cheating on me and so I came home early one day to the 6th floor of the complex and saw her naked in bed! So I yelled 'WHERE IS HE?' and saw some hands on the open window rail. I smashed the man's hands in so he fell down, then I grabbed a refrigerator and threw it down at him. I then proceeded to shoot myself." "Wow," the guardian says "that's pretty horrible, you can go on in."
The guardian looks at the second man and asks him the same question, the second man answers "I came back from work and went to the 13th floor of my complex to get into my house, and wouldn't you know it, some guy was robbing me! So I got into a fight with him and he pushed me out the window! Luckily I grabbed onto a railing further down, but then some psycho started hammering at my arms and I fell into the bushes below, I barely survived until a refrigerator landed on top of me!" "Jesus," the Guardian replied, "That's pretty horrible, you can go on in."
The guardian looks at the third man and says "And how did you die? Couldn't have been as horrible as the others..." the third man simply states, "Imagine you're in a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltmpm/three_men_were_at_the_gates_of_heaven_the/
%
I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.

Luckliy it was only a virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltlkt/i_accidentally_clicked_on_a_youve_won_an/
%
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltl9g/i_buy_all_my_guns_from_a_guy_called_trex/
%
I was masturbating when I heard some one scream "Help".

So I came as fast as I could.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltl7u/i_was_masturbating_when_i_heard_some_one_scream/
%
My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.

Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltkon/my_best_friend_swore_up_and_down_that_he_would/
%
A woman goes to the doctor for a check-up.

When she gets home, her husband asks her how it went.
She replies, "Great; he said I have the body of a twenty-year-old!
Her husband says, "What did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?"
She replies, "Your name didn't really come up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltig8/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_checkup/
%
What do a racist and an apple have in common?

They both look good hanging from a tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltgqp/what_do_a_racist_and_an_apple_have_in_common/
%
In a videogame movie, what do you call your ideal set of actors?

Your dreamcast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltgps/in_a_videogame_movie_what_do_you_call_your_ideal/
%
What is the difference between a circus and a strip club?

One of them has a lot of cunning stunts and the other...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltbzx/what_is_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a/
%
Time zones are crazy

On new years eve some parts of the world are in 2017, some are in 2016, and a large portion of the U.S. is still stuck in 1940.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltb1t/time_zones_are_crazy/
%
How many homeless guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only 2, but I have no idea how you're gonna fit both of them inside a lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ltah6/how_many_homeless_guys_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
France and Italy declare war...

France surrenders and Italy switches sides. Both countries lose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lt92u/france_and_italy_declare_war/
%
What do you call a people who serve in Thailand?

Thai Fighters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lt57j/what_do_you_call_a_people_who_serve_in_thailand/
%
My X-gf has a really big heart. I have to give her that.

She needs it, to pump all the ice water around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lt46n/my_xgf_has_a_really_big_heart_i_have_to_give_her/
%
I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die".

I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lt1uj/i_just_read_a_list_of_100_things_to_do_before_you/
%
I got amnesia and dont know if im gay anymore...

I faggot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lt141/i_got_amnesia_and_dont_know_if_im_gay_anymore/
%
A king so loved his throne...

A king so loved his throne that he would sit in it all day. It was made of solid gold and covered in only the finest jewels and (le) gemstones.
Well, one day, the king decides he wants to take a vacation to the bahamas. But, he knew that he would miss his throne, so he had his loyal servants pack it up on the boat and take it with him.
If you've ever been to the Bahamas, you'll know that their beaches mostly made of sand, and if you've ever dealt with sand, you know that it can get everywhere. The king, not wanting his beautiful throne covered in sand, had his loyal servants put it in the attic of his grass hut for safe keeping. Each day he'd go up to the attic and sit in his throne before going to the water to frolic and play.
Well one day, as he was walking through his grass hut, the heavy solid gold throne comes crashing through the ceiling, flattening and killing the king instantly.
The moral of this story is: Those who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lsvml/a_king_so_loved_his_throne/
%
A group of IPhones walk into a bar

Bartender: Get out!
IPhones: Why?
Bartender: I know you don't have any money!
IPhones: How?
Bartender: Because all you Apple products lost your Jobs years ago!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lsqhi/a_group_of_iphones_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A guy volunteers to take his wife's childbirth pains...

As the expectant couple gets to the delivery room, the doctor tells them about an experimental machine that can transfer part of the pain of childbirth from the mother to the father. The husband volunteers to be a guinea pig and gets strapped in.
"How much do you want to try?" asks the doctor.
"Let's go with 50%," says the man.
After a few minutes, the doc asks the wife how she's doing. She says the pain is far less than her last delivery. The doc then asks how the husband is holding up.
"This is a piece of cake," he says. "Turn it up. Let's try 75%"
The doctor obliges and the wife relaxes even more. "This is amazing," she says.
The doc asks the husband how he's handling the pain.
"This is a piece of cake," he says. "I think women must have low pain thresholds if this is all they have to deal with during childbirth. Crank it up to 100!"
The doctor does and the wife finishes the delivery with no pain at all. The doctor examines the husband and finds he has no ill effects from the procedure at all. A day later, they leave the hospital with the baby and go home, where they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lsn7s/a_guy_volunteers_to_take_his_wifes_childbirth/
%
I named my dog Syndrome

So every time he jumps on people I can shout: "Down Syndrome!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lsmcc/i_named_my_dog_syndrome/
%
You want to hear another construction joke?

Go build one you lazy bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lshtb/you_want_to_hear_another_construction_joke/
%
Username walks into a hotel...

And asks for a room. A few days later he leaves.
I guess you could say,
Username checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lshkz/username_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
I've always wondered why china have such a high population.

Today I found out, their Condoms are made in China!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lshhd/ive_always_wondered_why_china_have_such_a_high/
%
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones....

Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire - to be water resistant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lsffy/samsung_just_announced_a_series_of_water/
%
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window...

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lsdb5/since_it_started_raining_all_my_wife_has_done_is/
%
I need some advice guys

. recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work..i called her boss and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. so yesterday when she said she was going for a team building meeting i followed her on my motorbike after two blocks a guy stopped his car hugged her and opened his car door for her. i was watching all that from a distance so they wouldn't see me.when they finally drove off i tried to start my bike to follow them but it couldn't start. what could the problem be guys. The clutch ? Engine? Petrol? Plug? I'm so worried about my bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lscnq/i_need_some_advice_guys/
%
Ronda Rouseys next fight has been announced!

Ronda Rousey V. Crippling Depression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ls9j9/ronda_rouseys_next_fight_has_been_announced/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ls83q/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer"

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer " The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "
The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to crash the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? "
Policeman :" No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people? "
Suspect :" Well that selfish guy ran towards the other 12."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ls61t/a_mob_drags_a_man_into_a_police_station_for/
%
Back when Einstein was giving lectures to Universities, he traveled by car.

During one journey to a certain university, his driver remarked "Dr. Einstein, I have heard you deliver that lecture over 20 times. I know it by heart and I am certain I could give it myself."
Einstein thought for a bit and replied "Well, I'll give you the chance. They don't know me at the next University, so when we get there, I’ll put on your cap, and you introduce yourself as Dr. Einstein and give the lecture".
Sure enough, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his driver’s uniform. The driver then delivered Einstein's lecture on his theory of relativity without any mistakes. When he finished and started to leave, one of the professors stopped him and asked a complex question filled with mathematical equations. The driver thought fast. He smiled and said "the answer to that problem is so simple. I'm surprised you have to ask me. In fact, to show you just how simple it is, I'm going to ask my driver to come up here and answer your question".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ls3hj/back_when_einstein_was_giving_lectures_to/
%
You cannot taste me, until you undress me.

- Banana, 2017

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ls2j0/you_cannot_taste_me_until_you_undress_me/
%
Someone calls 911...

Man : Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Man : Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Man : The ugly one is winning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ls0m5/someone_calls_911/
%
I broke up with my girlfriend when I found out she only has 4 toes on each foot....

Turns out I'm lack-toes intolerant..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lrz74/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_when_i_found_out/
%
A frog goes into a bank. . .

. . . and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whak.
So, he says, "Mrs. Whak, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink pig. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whak.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lryty/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
%
What do you call a virus that affects the command line?

Terminal Illness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lrydw/what_do_you_call_a_virus_that_affects_the_command/
%
I was at an atm and some little kid asked me to help him check his balance

... So I pushed him over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lrxpf/i_was_at_an_atm_and_some_little_kid_asked_me_to/
%
I went to the doctor because my hearing problem

The doctor said 'Can you describe the symptoms?'
I said 'Yeah, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lruiy/i_went_to_the_doctor_because_my_hearing_problem/
%
I spent last night defrosting the fridge.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lrtwi/i_spent_last_night_defrosting_the_fridge/
%
sex positions for grammar nazis

There was once a book written in ancient India about sexual positions using punctuation marks.
It was called the comma sutra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lrmtd/sex_positions_for_grammar_nazis/
%
Jesus drove a Honda but didn't talk about it.

"For I did not speak of my own accord"
John 12:49

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lrezh/jesus_drove_a_honda_but_didnt_talk_about_it/
%
Why was the electrochemical cell arrested?

Because he was convicted of battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lre66/why_was_the_electrochemical_cell_arrested/
%
A child molester, a conman and a priest walks into a bar

He then sat down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lrdtv/a_child_molester_a_conman_and_a_priest_walks_into/
%
Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lrd5p/police_officer_can_you_identify_yourself_sir/
%
A cop stopped a guy for speeding...

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
He said, "There is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lrbus/a_cop_stopped_a_guy_for_speeding/
%
For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?
How about -
>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lra5l/for_a_change_of_pace_heres_a_limerick_12_144_20_3/
%
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You've probably seen our posters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lr8u0/i_used_to_be_in_a_band_called_missing_cat/
%
I married way too young

She was chinese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lr8j0/i_married_way_too_young/
%
What do you call a bee from America?

A USB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lr8cr/what_do_you_call_a_bee_from_america/
%
My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lr7t2/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
%
Disabled toilets.

Ironically, the only toilet stalls big enough to run around in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lr5ra/disabled_toilets/
%
What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lr5ly/what_does_superman_and_a_blood_gang_member_who/
%
Did you know that some people sit on their hand before they masturbate?

They say it feels like getting jacked off by a stranger.
What I like to do, is to sit on my dick, then masturbate; This way it feels like I'm jacking off a stranger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lr54k/did_you_know_that_some_people_sit_on_their_hand/
%
I'm not a competitive person

I'll be the first to admit it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lr32u/im_not_a_competitive_person/
%
I farted in an Apple store and everyone got pissed at me.

Well, it's not my fault they don't have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lr2xl/i_farted_in_an_apple_store_and_everyone_got/
%
Job choices for Asians

1. Doctor
2. Lawyer
3. Engineer
4. Shame of family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lr233/job_choices_for_asians/
%
The term 'Grammar Nazi' is outdated and offensive...

...we prefer to be called the Alt-Write

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqzym/the_term_grammar_nazi_is_outdated_and_offensive/
%
Blonde is pulled over by a blonde cop..

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqzi1/blonde_is_pulled_over_by_a_blonde_cop/
%
A woman gave birth to triplets.

She named them Tim, Tom, and Tat. Unfortunately at feeding time there was no tit for Tat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqyp1/a_woman_gave_birth_to_triplets/
%
I am born to mixed-race parents

...but my mom preferred the 100 metres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqxyk/i_am_born_to_mixedrace_parents/
%
During a recent study, almost 95% of participants preferred exercise to sex.

Because they all ran away when I offered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lquml/during_a_recent_study_almost_95_of_participants/
%
Why couldn't the melons run away and get married?

Because they cantaloupe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lquds/why_couldnt_the_melons_run_away_and_get_married/
%
My brother and I own adjacent farms

The other day he rode over to complain that I was growing marijuana on his side of the fence.
I told him to get off his high horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqu2t/my_brother_and_i_own_adjacent_farms/
%
How does Kylo Ren spend Father's Day?

Solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqtse/how_does_kylo_ren_spend_fathers_day/
%
Why did the cannibal get food poisoning in India?

He ate Rameet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqtc9/why_did_the_cannibal_get_food_poisoning_in_india/
%
Harry says to Hermione: "Hey Hermione, guess how I got my dick to be 12 inches?"

Hermione sarcastically responds: "I don't know Harry... Magic?"
Harry: "I folded it in half."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqouf/harry_says_to_hermione_hey_hermione_guess_how_i/
%
"You should get a hairless cat."

Me texting friends: you should get a hairless cat.
Friends: why the hell would I do that?
Me: So you can name it chemo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqon7/you_should_get_a_hairless_cat/
%
School Question

Mother: Why are you home from school so early?
Son: I was the only one who could answer a question.
Mother:Oh, really? What was the question?
Son: Who threw the eraser at the principal?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqk2w/school_question/
%
My Ex told me I overanalyse things...

I'd believe her but she uses that excuse 19.3% of the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqjuy/my_ex_told_me_i_overanalyse_things/
%
A man starts a new job...

On his first day at work, he picks up the phone at his desk to order coffee. "Get me a cup of coffee with creamer, quick!", he says.
Unbeknownst to him, the CEO of the company was on the other line. "Do you know who this is!?", the CEO responds angrily. The man realizing asks, "No, but do *you* know who this is?".
CEO responds, "no, who is this?" and the man says, "Good!" and hangs up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqjgu/a_man_starts_a_new_job/
%
Dirty Sarah goes to school and the teacher says

Deleted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqj1p/dirty_sarah_goes_to_school_and_the_teacher_says/
%
You wanna hear a construction joke?

I'm still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqiv1/you_wanna_hear_a_construction_joke/
%
I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqhx4/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
How do you screw up a joke?

You punchup the fuckline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqhau/how_do_you_screw_up_a_joke/
%
LONG: Border Patrol at the Ranch (Cursing)

Once, my Grandfather and I were outside working on a tractor when a Border Patrol Agent comes screaming up the road to a sliding stop right in front of the barn.
A short little man gets out and walks up to Granddad and says, "Sir. I'm Officer Carson. We've had a report that you are using illegal immigrants to work on your ranch and I am going to take a look around."
My Grandfather wiped the sweat from his brow and replied, "That's fine. It's just me and my grandson here. And, by the way, don't go into the field behind the barn."
This pisses off Officer Carson who proceeds to whip out a wallet and flip out his badge while saying, "You see this?! This is my go anywhere and look wherever the fuck I want to badge. I'll decide where I will and will not go."
Granddad just shook his head and said yessir, walked back to me and the tractor and started turning the wrench again as Officer Carson walked off.
About twenty minutes later, we hear the officer screaming and look up to see him running from the rank bull we had been keeping in the field behind the barn.
Granddad cupped his hands and yelled out, "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqg3s/long_border_patrol_at_the_ranch_cursing/
%
I expect that 2017 in /r/jokes will be a lot like that incompetent fencing company that I hired last summer.

There's going to be lots of reposting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqfs9/i_expect_that_2017_in_rjokes_will_be_a_lot_like/
%
The phrase 'lazy asshole' is an oxymoron...

Because an asshole gets shit done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqchr/the_phrase_lazy_asshole_is_an_oxymoron/
%
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lqb4d/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_view_mirrors/
%
I just swallowed an entire ball of string.

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lq92c/i_just_swallowed_an_entire_ball_of_string/
%
By far the worst thing I've ever done

Be 12, living with an abusive uncle and auntie. We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields. My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse. Say's it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion. Auntie loves it for some reason. Because it's all muddy she calls it "dirty". She was a bit fucked up like that. I, being a countryside fag, liked horses and riding them. Then they turned on me saying "we will beat the living shit out of you if we ever catch you riding that horse again." They meant it, they'd done it before. Few days later I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to see if I'm riding the horse. Get bored and climb inside the tired. Tire starts moving (field isn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me. They see me rollin'. They hatin'. Patrolling, tying to catch me riding dirty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lq6fq/by_far_the_worst_thing_ive_ever_done/
%
My girlfriend has herpes

Now it's ourpes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lq5s5/my_girlfriend_has_herpes/
%
Some campers wake up in the morning and start making breakfast...

Nearby is a family of moles living in their burrow underground.  Papa mole wakes up and crawls up to the hole and says, "It smells delicious up here! I can smell sausage and eggs and is that some ham frying too?"  So mama mole climbs up and she's greeted with the sweet smells of breakfast.  "I smell fresh toast and flap jacks and maybe a hint of cinnamon!"  Baby mole tries to enjoy the smells but can't get past mama and papa through the hole and says, "All I can smell is molasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lq3zo/some_campers_wake_up_in_the_morning_and_start/
%
A burglar breaks into a house

one night and turn on his flashlight to find an expensive stereo.  As he approaches it, a voice behind him whispers, “Jesus is watching you.”
The startled burglar turns and shines his light on a caged parrot in the corner of the room.
“Was that you?” asks the burglar.
“Yes,” answers the parrot.  “My name is Moses.  How do you do? Squawk!”
Amused at the talking bird, the burglar laughingly asks, “What kind of people name a parrot Moses?”
“Squawk! The same kind of people who name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lq2jl/a_burglar_breaks_into_a_house/
%
I took ten photos of myself in the shower, but hated them all.

Turns out I have selfie-steam issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lq28e/i_took_ten_photos_of_myself_in_the_shower_but/
%
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead find themselves lost in the woods

They decide that they need to hunt to survive and agree on taking turns hunting. On the first day, the redhead goes out to see what she can catch and comes back dragging a rabbit. The other two, amazed, ask her how she caught the rabbit, to which she replied, "I simply followed the rabbit's tracks and i caught the rabbit." The next day, the brunette goes out hunting and returns dragging a deer. The other two, amazed, asked her how she caught the deer, to which she replied, "I simply followed the deer's tracks and i caught the deer." The following day the blonde sets out to hunt and returns with torn clothes, and cuts and bruises all over her body. The other two, shocked, asked her what happened, to which she replied "like you guys i found some tracks but i got hit by a train."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lq0t1/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_find_themselves/
%
A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm nude."
She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.
Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"
It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lq0rd/a_beautiful_blonde_walks_up_to_a_craps_table/
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I'm pretty sure God is a Black Woman

Who else would be a single parent whose Son was killed by the authorities under suspicious circumstances?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lq06m/im_pretty_sure_god_is_a_black_woman/
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What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it, Man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpynq/what_do_you_do_if_you_see_a_spaceman/
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Not All Seniors Are Senile...

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said."
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
"By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know, said the old man... But let me tell you about my weekend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpwud/not_all_seniors_are_senile/
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A Buddhist Monk visits a hot dog stand in New York

and says "make me one with everything".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpwhx/a_buddhist_monk_visits_a_hot_dog_stand_in_new_york/
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Sherlock Holmes & Dr Watson were going camping. . .

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said : " Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see". Watson replied " I see millions and millions of stars. "  Holmes said " And what do you deduce from that?"  Watson replied : " Well, if there  are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life".
And holmes said " Watson, you idiot! It means somebody stole our tent"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpv5u/sherlock_holmes_dr_watson_were_going_camping/
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Three bodies turn up at mortuary all with smiles on their faces..

Cop asks coroner, "Why r they all smiling??"
Coroner says, "1st guy died of heart attack shagging his wife, hence his smile. 2nd guy won lottery, spent it on whisky & died of alcohol poisoning hence his smile. 3rd guy was a bit unusual.......he was struck by lightning!!"
Cop says,"Why the fuck was he smiling??"
Coroner replies, "Twat thought he was having his photo taken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpswn/three_bodies_turn_up_at_mortuary_all_with_smiles/
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Jesus is a deadbeat dad

Said he'd be coming back soon 2000 years ago and we're still waiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lprfj/jesus_is_a_deadbeat_dad/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef strokin off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lprcs/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
%
Don't be ashamed of who you are

That's your parents' job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpqps/dont_be_ashamed_of_who_you_are/
%
Fuck Russian Dolls

They're so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpqbp/fuck_russian_dolls/
%
Sent grandma the wrong picture.

Had to send two pics but only had one Polaroid left so took a full body nude of myself and cut it in half.
Sent the bottom to my girlfriend and the top to my grams.
In a few days the girlfriend calls and says thanks for the pic but wheres the bottom part.
Shit sent the bottom to my grandma. Thought I better just phone her and apologise.
She answers the phone and thanks me for the picture??? You really need to get a haircut tho because it's making your nose look huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpq3e/sent_grandma_the_wrong_picture/
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I think my wife has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more and more evil...

...I don't know how much she charges him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpok1/i_think_my_wife_has_weekly_lessons_with_the_devil/
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Why was the cat afraid of the tree?

Because of its bark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lplzg/why_was_the_cat_afraid_of_the_tree/
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Just found out there is a whole series on Netflix about this year's election results.

Orange is the new black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpjsa/just_found_out_there_is_a_whole_series_on_netflix/
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Pluto wanted to throw Earth a birthday party on New Year's Eve

But he forgot to planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpidq/pluto_wanted_to_throw_earth_a_birthday_party_on/
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A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk.
She says: "I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I could do that for free? I don't even have enough to pay the fee here."
The guy at the front desk asks her in his creepiest voice: "Do you really need to contact your mother?"
"Yes" she answers. "I really need to contact my mother."
"And you would do anything?"
"Yes I would do anything to contact my mother."
"Really anything?"
Exasperated, the blonde answers: "Yes, yes, yes, I would do anything."
"Well, then." the guy says "Why don't you just follow me to the back room."
So she does. The guy pulls down his pants. The blonde is a bit irritated at first, but thinks that what must be must be. He pulls down his underpants.
"Well," He says "Do it!"
So the blond gets down on her knees in front of him. She licks her lips. She bends forward and whispers: "Hello, mom? Can you hear me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpi49/a_blonde_is_on_vacation_and_runs_out_of_money/
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Coming Soon:

A story of premature ejaculation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpdbw/coming_soon/
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A man is texting his wife...

"Alright, see you soon!" the man says to his wife.
She responds "Isn't there something you forgot to tell me?"
The man then replies "Oh yes! I forgot to tell you.  I dont love you very much."
She then replies "Wait, what do you mean!?
the wife thinks to herself, "he must have made a typo, he probably meant to say "do," instead of "dont."
She replies, "Honey, did you make a typo in that sentence?"
The man then quickly responds "Silly me, I forgot the apostrophe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpdbl/a_man_is_texting_his_wife/
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So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpc82/so_a_wife_is_yelling_at_her_husband_to_get_out_of/
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Last time I flew on Malaysian Airlines, I decided not to shower first.

I figured I could just wash up on shore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpc6g/last_time_i_flew_on_malaysian_airlines_i_decided/
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Good Ol' Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
#71301

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lpbnr/good_ol_dave/
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What's white, black, and red all over?

A race war.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lp8mf/whats_white_black_and_red_all_over/
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David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.

He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"
David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"
Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."
"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lp7z9/david_calls_up_his_brother_mike_to_schedule_their/
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Hey girl, are you a tube of Pringles?

Because my whole fist is stuck inside of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lp757/hey_girl_are_you_a_tube_of_pringles/
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I just watched a documentary on marijuana

They should all be watched that way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lp6t9/i_just_watched_a_documentary_on_marijuana/
%
My neighbors dog barks unbelievably loud...

... so I asked him to train his dog to bark at a more believable level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lp5cp/my_neighbors_dog_barks_unbelievably_loud/
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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."
The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "She has to have
active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and
ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the
counter and says "Active herpes." She responds,
"Okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."
Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go
upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their
deal...
As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay, why
did you want someone with active herpes?" The
twelve year old replies, "When I get home, I'm
going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom
and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter
to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then,
when he gets back, he and mom are going to go
upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after
dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and
mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard
that ran over my frog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lp59r/one_day_a_twelve_year_old_walks_into_a_house_of/
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A blonde is taking a trip by airplane.

Over the speaker the captain addresses the passengers saying, "Folks, it seems one of our four engines is having difficulties. We are going to have to shut it down. There is nothing to worry about, this will just add an hour to our flight. Thank you for your patience."
The blonde looks out the window at the engines attached to the wing, shrugs and goes back to reading a magazine.
A little while later the captain's voice comes through the speakers, "Folks, again I apologize but one of our three remaining engines has stalled and can't start. Nothing to worry about, it just adds an extra two hours to our flight time. Thank you for your patience."
The blonde looks around again, with a frown before returning to the magazine.
An hour later the captain comes on the speakers again, "Everyone, I am unhappy to announce one of our two remaining engines is having difficulties and I need to shut it down for the remainder of the flight. There is nothing to worry about, this just adds another four hours to our flight time. Thank you for your patience."
The blonde sighs unhappily and turns to the old lady sitting in the next seat. "I really hope that last engine doesn't stop or we'll be stuck up here forever!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lp3ir/a_blonde_is_taking_a_trip_by_airplane/
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What do you call a duck with fangs?

Count Quackula.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lp36l/what_do_you_call_a_duck_with_fangs/
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What's the difference between a priest and a dog?

One wears pants and a collar, the other wears a collar and pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lp2qx/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_dog/
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Same Lunch Everyday

A Mexican, Armenian, Korean, and Redneck are construction workers. Every day, there is a bell that sounds at 12:00 PM notifying the workers that it is their lunch break. The workers go on with their day and as soon as the bell rings, they grab their lunches and sit together to eat.
The Mexican opens his lunchbox and says, "Ugh, burrito again?
The Armenian opens his lunchbox and says, "Ugh, kebab again?"
The Korean opens his lunchbox and says, "Ugh, kimchi again?"
The Redneck opens his lunchbox and says, "Ugh, peanut butter again?"
They eat their lunches and carry on with their work. The following day, the same routine continues. They all moan at the sight of the same lunch packed for them.
They all say to each other, "If I get the same lunch again tomorrow, then I will jump off the top of the building we are working on." Then, they carry on with their work.
The next day, the construction workers, hoping they don't have the same lunch open up their lunch boxes one by one.
The Mexican opens his lunchbox and says, "Ugh, burrito again? So he jumps off the building and dies.
The Armenian opens his lunchbox and says, "Ugh, kebab again?" So he jumps off the building and dies.
The Korean opens his lunchbox and says, "Ugh, kimchi again?" So he jumps off the building and dies.
The Redneck opens his lunchbox and says, "Ugh, peanut butter again?" So he jumps off the building and dies.
A week later, the wives of these construction workers gather at their funeral.
The wife of the Mexican says, "I thought he loved my burritos." She begins to cry.
The wife of the Armenian says, "I thought he loved my kebab." She begins to cry.
The wife of the Korean says, "I thought he loved Kimchi." She begins to cry.
The wife of the Redneck looks at them with a confused gaze. She says, "I don't know what ya'll talkin' 'bout, but my husband made his own lunches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5loyaa/same_lunch_everyday/
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My local police chief does a talk on heroin...

So you can't understand any of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lowyq/my_local_police_chief_does_a_talk_on_heroin/
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What do you call the smell of leftover Mexican food in your car?

A Texas air freshener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lou4r/what_do_you_call_the_smell_of_leftover_mexican/
%
A kid is on the beach with his two parents.

The kid goes out to play in the sand. The boy returns to his mother and says,"Mommy, some men have a bigger dick than daddy." The mother responds,"Don't worry son, the bigger they are, the dumber they are." The boy goes back and resumes playing in the sand. Shortly after, the boy returns and says,"Mommy, some women have bigger boobs than you." The mother replies,"Don't worry son, the bigger they are, the dumber they are." The boy once again goes back to play. He returns a third time and says,"Mommy, Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the more he talks, the dumber he gets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lotmv/a_kid_is_on_the_beach_with_his_two_parents/
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So three nuns have passed and are at the pearly gates..

When they arrive, Gabriel is there and says "Each of you must answer a question correctly to enter heaven."
His question to the first nun was "What was the name of the first woman?" and she replies "Eve!" And of course thats right, so on she goes.
His question to the second nun was "Where did Eve live when God created her?" to which she replies "Eden, of course." Another correct answer and on she goes as well.
His third question to the last nun was a bit trickier as she was a nun for the longest.  "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?" The nun mumbles "Oooh, thats a hard one.."
So in to heaven she went as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lorkj/so_three_nuns_have_passed_and_are_at_the_pearly/
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be in IT", says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "well, you must be a manager".
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know that?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it's somehow my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lop4w/a_man_is_flying_in_a_hot_air_balloon_and_realizes/
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BREAKING NEWS!! Cheese Factory Explosion...

De-Brie is everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lolbo/breaking_news_cheese_factory_explosion/
%
Officer: How high are you?

Me: No officer it's hi how are you.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5loiyq/officer_how_high_are_you/
%
A terrorist is training a group of newbies

"Alright class, listen closely as I can only show you how to do this ONCE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5loi5z/a_terrorist_is_training_a_group_of_newbies/
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A Mexican man who spoke no English

went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lohs6/a_mexican_man_who_spoke_no_english/
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A little boy asks his father, "What is politics?"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5logak/a_little_boy_asks_his_father_what_is_politics/
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My girlfriend wanted to spice things up with some schoolgirl fantasy

She seemed pretty into it but marking her exams didn't turn me on at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lofqv/my_girlfriend_wanted_to_spice_things_up_with_some/
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Obama's no longer President

January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: "I want to see President Obama."
Very patiently the guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Same guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 23 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Angrily the guard says: "I told you the last two days that he's not President anymore."
The old man turns away and quietly says: "I just like hearing you say it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lof9n/obamas_no_longer_president/
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God created the light...

Then he called it a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lof4d/god_created_the_light/
%
Samsung announced today a new line of Galaxy phones that are certified to be water resistant...

It's nice to know that you won't be able to put out the flames once they catch fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lobi7/samsung_announced_today_a_new_line_of_galaxy/
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I'll never forget my grandfather's dying words...

"AAAAHHHH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lo957/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_dying_words/
%
I never use the term "feminazi"...

Because the Nazis actually got stuff done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lo8yr/i_never_use_the_term_feminazi/
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What do you call a fat psychic...

...a psychic you fat shaming cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lo5z3/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

Because they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lnxuz/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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Officer, if you are what you eat...

Then I'm an innocent man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lnx8d/officer_if_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my chest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lnwea/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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A blonde is in need of money.

The blonde decides to go to a rich neighborhood and do tasks for money. She arrives at a house and rings the doorbell. A man comes out and the blonde says, "Are there any jobs I can do?"
The man replies with, "Can you paint my porch for me? I'll pay you $50."
The blonde agrees and gets to work. The man thinks it should take an hour or two due to the fact he has a large porch. After about 20 minutes, the blonde finishes.
Impressed, the man hands her $50. However as she's leaving, she says, "By the way, it's a Ferrari not a Porsche."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lntt1/a_blonde_is_in_need_of_money/
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What's green, fuzzy and could kill you if it fell from a tree?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lnov5/whats_green_fuzzy_and_could_kill_you_if_it_fell/
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What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?

They can't be deboned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lno0d/what_do_jellyfish_and_a_girl_after_prom_night/
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A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station...

"I have an interesting case here," he said. "A woman just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested her?" asks the sergeant,
"No, not yet. The floors still wet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lnn9a/a_police_officer_jumps_into_his_squad_car_and/
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My buddy, David, had his ID stolen while on a business trip in Prague...

...now we just have to call him Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lnn3g/my_buddy_david_had_his_id_stolen_while_on_a/
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Why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor?

It was just a stage he was going through

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lnmxh/why_did_the_overweight_actor_fall_through_the/
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I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...

Is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lnmkg/i_watched_the_footage_of_saddam_being_executed/
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Why do feminists hate Medusa?

She's always objectifying people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lnmjj/why_do_feminists_hate_medusa/
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If I don't get my IBS and anger issues figured out...

I'm going to lose my shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lnbcr/if_i_dont_get_my_ibs_and_anger_issues_figured_out/
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What's a female rabbit called?

Rabbitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lnaau/whats_a_female_rabbit_called/
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Truck Driver and the Bikers

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ln8md/truck_driver_and_the_bikers/
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Guy: girl are you a newspaper?

Girl: no why?
Guy: because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ln8b4/guy_girl_are_you_a_newspaper/
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My friends that majored in English always tell me the same thing

Welcome to Starbucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ln70r/my_friends_that_majored_in_english_always_tell_me/
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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ln4ts/i_rearended_a_car_this_morningthe_start_of_a/
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A Mafia leader gets cheated out of $10 million by his bookeeper, Paul.

Paul had been deaf all of his life, so it was assumed he would be perfect for the job. A deaf guy couldn't hear anything that he would have to testify in court, after all.
When the leader found out, he went to confront Paul with an interpreter, one who knows ASL. "Ask him where the $10 million he stole from me is," he demanded.
The interpreter signs this to Paul, to which he signs back "I don't know what you're talking about." The godfather pulls out a gun and puts it to Paul's head and tells the interpreter, "Ask him again!"
The interpret asks again, signing "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" Paul signs back, "Alright, alright! The money is in a brown suitcase behind the shed of my estate in Queens!"
The interpreter says nothing. After a few seconds, the godfather asks, "Well, what'd he say?" The interpreter smiles and says " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ln4gn/a_mafia_leader_gets_cheated_out_of_10_million_by/
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Only 2010's kids will get this...

Measles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ln405/only_2010s_kids_will_get_this/
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Members of the KKK are so afraid of being recognized in public...

they're literally sheeting themselves.
(This probably isn't original but I've never heard it before and thought of it while cleaning the kitchen.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ln0st/members_of_the_kkk_are_so_afraid_of_being/
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My girlfriend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo

I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lmzno/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_stop_pretending_to_be_a/
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Taxing Professions

A woman goes to an accountant to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I need to ask a few questions. What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant says, "No, no, no. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman replies, "OK, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 c**ks last year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lmuw8/taxing_professions/
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My girlfriend and I went to a restaurant and our German friend tagged along with us. I get the impression he eats a lot of calves.

There wasn't any meat on the menu, but he kept saying he felt like a third veal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lmust/my_girlfriend_and_i_went_to_a_restaurant_and_our/
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Who did the sea captain lose his virginity to?

His first mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lmser/who_did_the_sea_captain_lose_his_virginity_to/
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Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy

After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lmrxi/two_elephants_meet_a_totally_naked_guy/
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Cowboy Talks to the Animals

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.
The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?"
"Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?"
The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?"
The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead."
The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello."
The rancher's eyes pop wide open.
The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?"
"Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake."
The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?"
The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk."
"Well then, what's the harm?"
"Go right ahead," says the rancher.
The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello."
The rancher's jaw drops.
The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?"
"Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather."
The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?"
The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen -- them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lmouf/cowboy_talks_to_the_animals/
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In the book I'm currently reading, there's a section that talks about the vagina.

It's my favourite passage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lmkw1/in_the_book_im_currently_reading_theres_a_section/
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Dead?

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"
The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"
The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she's dead?"
The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lmksl/dead/
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The Doctor's Appointment

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lmgwm/the_doctors_appointment/
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A Native American walks into a bar with a cat, a bag of sh*t and a shotgun.

He asks for a bottle of whiskey and immediately downs it. He throws the bag of sh*t up in the air, shoots it with his shotgun, and takes a big bite of the cat's ass.
The bartender asks, "Buddy, what the hell are you doing?"
The Native American responds, "I want to be like the white man: get drunk, shoot the sh*t and eat pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lmeg5/a_native_american_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_cat_a/
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I was gonna tell you all a joke about how I had to replace the wood holding up my fence...

But I was afraid it is only a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lmd0w/i_was_gonna_tell_you_all_a_joke_about_how_i_had/
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A man is charged with first-degree murder and is on the stand, being questioned by the prosecution.

“Did you commit the crime?”
“No sir, I did not.”
“I remind you that you are under oath. Do you know the penalty for perjury?”
“Yes sir, and it’s a darn sight less than the penalty for murder.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lm8pk/a_man_is_charged_with_firstdegree_murder_and_is/
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When I see lover's names carved in a tree...

I don't think it's sweet. I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lm55v/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree/
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This just in, Beverly Hills, 90210

Cleveland Browns, 3
>Credit to Colin Mochrie from *Whose Line Is It Anyway?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lm3rf/this_just_in_beverly_hills_90210/
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Why don't jews have arranged marriage?

They have no 'forced kin'.
I'm so sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llxgn/why_dont_jews_have_arranged_marriage/
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A disciple asked, “Master, is it okay for a monk to use emails?”

“Yes, son,” the guru quipped, “as long as there are no attachments.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llwl4/a_disciple_asked_master_is_it_okay_for_a_monk_to/
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What do you call a blizzard at NSA headquarters?

Snowden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lluex/what_do_you_call_a_blizzard_at_nsa_headquarters/
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Anyone else hate their war veteran grandads at the dinner table?

I'm trying to eat dinner here grandad I don't care how many Jews you've killed!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llrtw/anyone_else_hate_their_war_veteran_grandads_at/
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Good Husband Wanted

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to.get married.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. ...
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray- haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"  Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llpo1/good_husband_wanted/
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Dave and his blunt

Dave is sitting at home one day smoking a blunt. He smokes half of it, when all of a sudden he gets a heart attack and dies. When Dave gets into Heaven, he asks God if he could turn him into an insect so he can finish his weed. God agrees and turns Dave into a spider. Dave the spider finds himself on the ceiling right above the table with his blunt and is at a loss as to how to reach his weed. Dismayed, he begs to God. God replies, "Strain as hard as you can, you will make the web and then you can descend to the table and grab the blunt." So Dave the spider strains and strains and strains and makes a web. He crawls down his web when all of a sudden he reaches the end and stops. He calls out to God again, and God tells him to strain harder. So Dave the spider STRAINS
AND STRAINS
AND STRAINS
AND STRAINS
Then all of sudden he feels a hard jab on his side.
"Dave, wake the fuck up, you've shit the bed" his wife says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llo3t/dave_and_his_blunt/
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Whenever I'm down I just...

put my head between my legs and lean forward cus thats how I roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llnlc/whenever_im_down_i_just/
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Calculus should be taught in every high school around the world.

It is such an integral field of math.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llmhm/calculus_should_be_taught_in_every_high_school/
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An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lljem/an_english_man_welsh_man_and_a_indian_man_walk/
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What's something a gay man can't live without?

Water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llj8r/whats_something_a_gay_man_cant_live_without/
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Russell Crowe never regrets cunnilingus

He'll always be Gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llj87/russell_crowe_never_regrets_cunnilingus/
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Guys.. Seriously Jew jokes aren't funny.

Anne Frankly They're childish and offensive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lliys/guys_seriously_jew_jokes_arent_funny/
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The driver & Police

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"
Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llim8/the_driver_police/
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What's the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llhs2/whats_the_best_part_about_living_in_switzerland/
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One day I will find you...

...and I will possess you.
That day, I will bring you to bed.
Then, without your permission, I will get close to you and touch your entire body.
You will be feeling tired.
You will feel chills down your body and I’ll make you sweat.
As long as I stay with you, you will never be able to get out of the bed.
Then, I will leave without saying goodbye, convinced that one day I will return.
Signed… The flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llgu3/one_day_i_will_find_you/
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"Hey, you know where there's a theater around here?"

The man responds "Yeah, just around the corner and a block down. You plan on seeing a performance?"
The blonde answers "Yep, a friend told me about a comedic play called 'Puns', apparently is based around words, whatever that means."
"Wait, what exactly did your friend tell you?"
"That he really likes 'Puns': a funny play on words"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llgbj/hey_you_know_where_theres_a_theater_around_here/
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A man and a Giraffe walk into a bar.

The Giraffe gets drunk and falls on the floor unconscious.
The bartender says "you can't leave that lyin' there."
The man says "its not a Lion, its a Giraffe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llg1d/a_man_and_a_giraffe_walk_into_a_bar/
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"Dad, why are there no jews on jupiter?"

"Because its a gas planet son"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llfzh/dad_why_are_there_no_jews_on_jupiter/
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A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor...

The doctor looked him over and declared, "Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."
The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over, whereupon the doctor...introduces the banana into the man's system. The man is shocked.
The doctor says, "Excellent job. Now please come back in three days with another banana."
The man trusts his doctor, so in three days he returns with another banana. The doctor again asks the man to remove his pants and again he introduces the banana...into the man's system. The man is extremely confused, but his stomach pains aren't as bad anymore so he will continue to follow his doctors orders.
The doctor says, "Great job. Now please come back in three days with..a HAMMER."
The man returns with a hammer three days later. He is extremely confused, but upon seeing the doctor he receives his instructions.
"Please take off your pants and lie on your side on the examination table," says the doctor.
The man lays there for a few minutes with his rear end bare. The doctor breathlessly grips the hammer and waits. The tapeworm pops out of the man's butthole, looks at the doctor and says, "Hey where the fuck is my banana?"
*BAM*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llfj6/a_man_was_having_some_stomach_pains_so_he_went_to/
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Mommy! I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cus it was fake.

"Oh, how did you know it was fake?"
"It had two zeroes instead of one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llegb/mommy_i_found_a_10_bill_today_but_i_threw_it_away/
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I just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out all the pages are blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lldu7/i_just_bought_a_thesaurus_at_the_store_and/
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Two people are arguing about whether Jesus is black or white

, so one night they decided to ask him by praying. A voice from above said "I am who I am". The first guy said "well its safe to say that Jesus is white". "But how do you know?" asked the second guy. The first guy replied "well if he was black he would say, "I is who I is"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lldsm/two_people_are_arguing_about_whether_jesus_is/
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Motivational Seminar

At a motivational seminar, three men are asked to come up to the stage. They are all asked, "When you are in your coffin and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lld96/motivational_seminar/
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A guy goes on his honeymoon...

...and is so excited that he gets this crazy idea to have his wife's name tattooed onto his dick. Her name is "Wendy" but when he isn't erect, all you can see is "Wy".  Later on, he finds himself in a public restroom and couldn't help but notice that the guy next to him also had a "Wy" on his dick. He asks him "hey, do you have a wife named Wendy too?" and the other guy says "no, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica mon, have a nice day'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llazm/a_guy_goes_on_his_honeymoon/
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My dog

used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5llaq6/my_dog/
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I worked at a restaurant

It didn't pay much,  but at least it put food on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ll3wo/i_worked_at_a_restaurant/
%
A kid had sex with his teacher...

So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom.
The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?".
The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher.".
The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said.
The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike."
Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?".
The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ll3bw/a_kid_had_sex_with_his_teacher/
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Parents: You are adopted.

Son: You assholes! I want to see my real parents!
Parents: We are your real parents. Pack your stuff, the car comes in one hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ll1kq/parents_you_are_adopted/
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A Zen student asked his master, "Is it OK to use email?"

"Yes," replied the master, "But no attachments."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lkzqd/a_zen_student_asked_his_master_is_it_ok_to_use/
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Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime

Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lkzak/teach_a_man_to_fish_and_hell_be_able_to_eat_for_a/
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Highly trained bird

A man goes into a pet shop and sees a beautiful parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to its right leg. "What are those strings for?", he asks the store owner. "This is a highly trained creature," the owner explains. "If you pull the red string, he speaks Spanish and if you pull the green string he speaks French."
"What happens if you pull both strings at the same time?" the man asks. "I fall off my perch, you idiot!" squawks the parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lkyhb/highly_trained_bird/
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Why was the steel angry?

Because it lost it's temper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lkxwi/why_was_the_steel_angry/
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I saw a dead baby gohst laying on the ground this morning.

Turns out it was just a tissue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lkvs8/i_saw_a_dead_baby_gohst_laying_on_the_ground_this/
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Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lkuua/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_two_doors/
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Cheap prostitutes are like coffee

If you put your dick in them it's gonna burn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lkttr/cheap_prostitutes_are_like_coffee/
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Be the person your dog thinks you are.

A gentle lover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lktsx/be_the_person_your_dog_thinks_you_are/
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Heaven or Hell?

While walking down the street one day, a political head of state is
tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by
St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of
state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the
Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors
open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the
distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other
politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening
dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times
they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly
game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil
(a politician, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time
dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to
go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The
elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is
waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician
joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the
harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24
hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose
your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would
never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in
rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes
over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my
friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted for us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lkthi/heaven_or_hell/
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James Bond wakes up in a prison cell.

He has no idea where he is, and he has no memory of how he got there. He quickly gets his wits together and comes up with a plan.
*"If the guards are British, I'm James Bond, agent 007 working for M16."*
*"If the guards are Russian, I'm double-agent Sergei Andropov, registration C-05648, working for the KGB."*
A guard enters. He's American.
*"Good morning Daniel Craig! I see you've been drinking again."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lknnc/james_bond_wakes_up_in_a_prison_cell/
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Having sex is like playing Bridge

If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lknln/having_sex_is_like_playing_bridge/
%
I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lkkqd/i_dont_see_why_you_would_become_an_islamic/
%
Once you learn about confirmation bias...

...you start seeing it everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lkj2f/once_you_learn_about_confirmation_bias/
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A Blonde Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”
The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lkiwf/a_blonde_stewardess/
%
What's Hitler's least favorite planet?

Jupiter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lkh2j/whats_hitlers_least_favorite_planet/
%
She: I love movies where you need a tissue at the end

Him: So do I

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lkfrs/she_i_love_movies_where_you_need_a_tissue_at_the/
%
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you're forced to have it as a child, you're not going to like it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lkaen/what_do_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
%
I've been feeling really dizzy since yesterday

I think I need to stop these New Year revolutions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lk8oo/ive_been_feeling_really_dizzy_since_yesterday/
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[Long] Killing Joke

"See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lk8f2/long_killing_joke/
%
How did the blonde die raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lk5wn/how_did_the_blonde_die_raking_leaves/
%
Why did the mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Because he wants tequila. Literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lk2ko/why_did_the_mexican_push_his_wife_off_the_cliff/
%
What's Harry Potter's favorite way of getting down a hill?

Walking Hahahah
jk Rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lk1fk/whats_harry_potters_favorite_way_of_getting_down/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lk10r/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
Warning: Joke contains racism

Racism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ljwwm/warning_joke_contains_racism/
%
A lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right." Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you & your secretary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ljj8m/a_lawyer_representing_a_wealthy_art_collector/
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War doesn't determine who is right...

It only determines who is left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ljhxl/war_doesnt_determine_who_is_right/
%
Modern art is easy to understand

If you left poop at the door, rang the bell, and ran away - it's installation.
If you rang the bell and then deposited the poop- it's performance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ljhb6/modern_art_is_easy_to_understand/
%
What do you call a mini-golf club made of wasp testicles that's covered in Reese's Pieces?

A peanut butter bee-nut putter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ljdt9/what_do_you_call_a_minigolf_club_made_of_wasp/
%
Watson comes home and finds Sherlock watching television, he asks what he's watching.

Sherlock replies "Documentary my dear Watson!"
This my first Reddit post, I'm pretty sure I actually made up this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lj5e3/watson_comes_home_and_finds_sherlock_watching/
%
What's the difference between a hawk and an eagle?

All birds have specialized tail feathers called pinions.  An eagle has 8 pinions, while a hawk only has 7.  So you could say the difference is only a matter of a pinion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lj55i/whats_the_difference_between_a_hawk_and_an_eagle/
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A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes.

Once he arrives, a nurse asks him for a urine sample. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. You're diabetic." She says.
Disappointed, the man manages to reply, "Well, I'm still very thankful for your help today, nurse."
"Sure thing, sweet pee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lixy4/a_man_goes_to_the_hospital_to_see_if_he_has/
%
On a scale of 1-10 how obsessed with Harry Potter are you?

About 9 3/4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5livxg/on_a_scale_of_110_how_obsessed_with_harry_potter/
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I'm Trying Out Something New and Dating People Regardless of Their Gender:

We'll see how it Pans out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lit64/im_trying_out_something_new_and_dating_people/
%
Why does Donald Trump hate China?

They came up with building a wall before he did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lit1r/why_does_donald_trump_hate_china/
%
What does Batman use to wash his hair?

Conditioner Gordon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lir0c/what_does_batman_use_to_wash_his_hair/
%
Two priests are driving one day when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5liox1/two_priests_are_driving_one_day_when_they_get/
%
What does Donald Trump and a 12 year old have in common?

They know a lot about hacking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lio6h/what_does_donald_trump_and_a_12_year_old_have_in/
%
Why doesn't Achilles have any scars?

His wounds always heel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5linxk/why_doesnt_achilles_have_any_scars/
%
"Dad, am I adopted?"

"No. We haven't found anybody who wants you yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lim9a/dad_am_i_adopted/
%
"Alright man let's crack open a few cold ones, it's going to be a fun night"

Said one necrophiliac to another as they walked into the morgue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lilcu/alright_man_lets_crack_open_a_few_cold_ones_its/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 9 on New Years Eve?

Because 9, 8, 7....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lijb7/why_is_6_afraid_of_9_on_new_years_eve/
%
Why are dead baby jokes so funny?

They never grow old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lihq3/why_are_dead_baby_jokes_so_funny/
%
What is zombie's favorite hiking snack?

Entrail mix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lid31/what_is_zombies_favorite_hiking_snack/
%
Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.
His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his last breath Pepe calls out: "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree... ... ees a ham bush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lib0z/bacon_tree/
%
"You're the bomb!"

“No, you're the bomb!”
In America – a compliment.
In the Middle East – an argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5li8ha/youre_the_bomb/
%
Just met a girl with 12 boobs

Sounds funny
Dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5li830/just_met_a_girl_with_12_boobs/
%
I hit some kid riding a skateboard today, on the way to work.

On a lighter note, I'm selling a lightly used skateboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5li79w/i_hit_some_kid_riding_a_skateboard_today_on_the/
%
A horse walks into a bar

He saddles up to the counter.
The bartender asks
"Would you like a drink?"
The horse replies
"Neigh."
(I'm so sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5li4xy/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Definition: Coffin

What they carry you offin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5li4k6/definition_coffin/
%
A blind man walks into a bar.

And a chair. And a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5li39p/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Bisexual girls are like spaghetti.

Straight until wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5li2fj/bisexual_girls_are_like_spaghetti/
%
I was in a job interview.

"What is your biggest strength?"
"I am always on time."
"And your biggest weakness?"
"I get annoyed when my dealer is late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhxn2/i_was_in_a_job_interview/
%
When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton,

86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhvvc/when_asked_if_they_would_have_sex_with_bill/
%
Moon rock versus Earth rock

Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?
Because it's a little meteor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhvjc/moon_rock_versus_earth_rock/
%
A blind kid named Stevie just changed schools...

And he was thinking about his old friends. Since he was blind, he never got to look at his friend, James, and he randomly thought, "Was James brown?"
After a little while, he realised he left before his friend, Marvin, came out and so he thought "Was Marvin gay?"
Needles to say, these questions really made Stevie wonder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhul1/a_blind_kid_named_stevie_just_changed_schools/
%
I'm not racist because racism is a crime

and crime is for black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhua6/im_not_racist_because_racism_is_a_crime/
%
A husband was driving a car with his wife in the passenger seat

Resulting from road rage, a nearby car driver shouted at the husband, "You're a stupid idiot"
The wife then replied, "Do you know this person?"
The husband said, "No, why?"
The wife said, "Because he seems to know so much about you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhu2v/a_husband_was_driving_a_car_with_his_wife_in_the/
%
Some people doubt my memory

But I can remember last year as if it were yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhsn2/some_people_doubt_my_memory/
%
How many buzzfeed employees does it take to screw a lightbulb?

Click here to find out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhs63/how_many_buzzfeed_employees_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
I was going to make a subreddit about middle children today,

But then I realised everyone would just forget about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhs2p/i_was_going_to_make_a_subreddit_about_middle/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes 1 nail to hang up the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhrng/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
Why did H blow itself up?

Because G had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhny8/why_did_h_blow_itself_up/
%
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator.

Says to the patrons, “Here's a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhnx2/a_guy_enters_bar_carrying_an_alligator/
%
The Garden of Eden [Poem]

In the Garden of Eden, as everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve without any clothes.
In this garden were two little leaves.
One covered Adam and one covered Eve.
As the story goes on, never the less to say,
Along came the wind and blew the leaves away.
At the sight Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure all covered with hair.
And wonder came into Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing started to rise.
They found a spot, which suited them best,
A nice big tree where they began to rest
Her legs spread wider and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing peaked into her hole,
And filled her with passion beyond her control.
Backwards and forwards his thing did slide,
Until Eve's treasure was all wet inside.
The joy was good, she wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing was all out of juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhmim/the_garden_of_eden_poem/
%
"What's your favourite Pixar film?", my dad asked

I replied, "Up, yours?"
My dad gave me a weird look and said, "No need to be like that, I was only asking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhkxt/whats_your_favourite_pixar_film_my_dad_asked/
%
Russian policeman pulls over a speeding Bentley...

A taxi pulls over little behind them. Unfazed and smelling a nice bribe, policeman approaches the car, only to find nasty, smelly, ragged bum behind the wheel. Shocked, cop asks the bum: "How the hell can a bum like you be driving such an expensive car?!" Bum says: "I have a talent - I can make natural hair grow again by smearing my shit on afflicted person's head and BAM! it starts to grow again immediately. So, here I was on the corner, advertising my services when an oligarch saw me and decided to humor me. But he said - your shit better work, or I will have you killed in most agonizing way. However, if you truly are a miracle worker, I'll gift you my Bentley. As you can see, here I am"
&nbsp;
Policeman, shocked, takes off his hat to expose his bald head and says: "Hey buddy, if I let you off without a fine, do you think you can do the same for me?"
&nbsp;
Bum: "You betcha", as he reaches into his pants and amply smears his shit on policeman's bald head. As this happens, a completely bald oligarch and his crew fall out laughing to tears from the taxicab and in fits of laughter oligarch screams: "Holy fuck, bum - I'll gift you my mansion also! You sure delivered!"
&nbsp;
Confused, policeman covered in shit screams: "WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MEANING OF ALL THIS??!!"
&nbsp;
Bum: "I'm sorry, I don't really have any such talent, but I bet this oligarch his Bentley that I'd convince you to let me smear my shit on your head and you'd willingly let me. So, here I am..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhk2t/russian_policeman_pulls_over_a_speeding_bentley/
%
I once asked my girlfriend if she was a newspaper.

Because there's a new issue with her every fucking day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhh1g/i_once_asked_my_girlfriend_if_she_was_a_newspaper/
%
What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lherg/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_a_twitch/
%
A guy is at the checkout line at Walmart, buying a 50lb bag of dog food

for his dogs and in the check-out line the woman behind him asks if he has a dog. Why else would he be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So, on impulse, he told her that no, he didn't have a dog, he was starting the Purina Diet again, and that he probably shouldn't, because he ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he had awakened ...in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.
He went on to say that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and he was going to try it again. Horrified, she asked if he ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned him.
He told her no, He stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhep1/a_guy_is_at_the_checkout_line_at_walmart_buying_a/
%
Two drunk guys stumble out of a bar...

One notices a dog licking his own junk and says to his friend: "Damn, I wish *I* could do that!" His friend says: "Ummm... I dunno man, he looks pretty mean to me, I'd try petting him first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lhdu3/two_drunk_guys_stumble_out_of_a_bar/
%
What did the son corn say to the mama corn?

Where's pop corn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lh65f/what_did_the_son_corn_say_to_the_mama_corn/
%
I may have Alzheimer's but...

At least I don't have Alzheimer's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lh34o/i_may_have_alzheimers_but/
%
What did the giraffe say to the conspiracy theorist?

Nothing, giraffes aren't real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lh28k/what_did_the_giraffe_say_to_the_conspiracy/
%
What does a Pirate say on his Eightieth birthday?

AYE MATEY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lh1kd/what_does_a_pirate_say_on_his_eightieth_birthday/
%
What do you call a bossy kitty?

A pushy cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lh0jw/what_do_you_call_a_bossy_kitty/
%
No, I'm not addicted to taking batteries out of clocks.

I can stop at any time I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgzcu/no_im_not_addicted_to_taking_batteries_out_of/
%
Why are Women and Children evacuated first in a Disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgyjx/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
%
What do you call a Slavic spouse?

Czech-mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgum3/what_do_you_call_a_slavic_spouse/
%
These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."
The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."
Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends and said "I promise the next
tree we come across we'll chop it down and
take it home and i wont care if it's decorated
for Christmas or not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgsi3/these_three_blondes_where_going_to_purchase_a/
%
What can a goose do that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?

Stick his bill up his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgras/what_can_a_goose_do_that_a_duck_cant_do_and_a/
%
Who won the cooking competition between the two Asians?

It was a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgr8y/who_won_the_cooking_competition_between_the_two/
%
The trouble with Harry

What Starts with F and ends with K?
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.  The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!  I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough.  She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.  If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.  She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgpqk/the_trouble_with_harry/
%
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgpge/bill_clinton_george_w_bush_and_george_washington/
%
6.9

A good time interrupted by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgmkf/69/
%
The Christmas Gift NSFW

One day, right before Christmas, George, the mailman, is greeted by Mrs. Johnston, in a nippleless bra, and crotchless panties. She pulls him into the house, and fucks him right on the foyer carpet. After, she takes his hand, leads him into the kitchen, where a full breakfast is awaiting them. She then gives him a Christmas card with a single dollar bill within. Absolutely astonished, George is able to stammer out a single word - "Why?". To which Mrs. Johnston's reply is - "I asked my husband what I should give you for Christmas. He said "Fuck him, give him a buck." Breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lglxb/the_christmas_gift_nsfw/
%
Imagine us waiting for 2017 but out comes

2016S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgkqy/imagine_us_waiting_for_2017_but_out_comes/
%
What do you call a pair of crows?

An attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgjfn/what_do_you_call_a_pair_of_crows/
%
The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner

A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.
The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.
The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.
The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lghvg/the_mechanical_engineer_project_manager_and_the/
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My new years resolution for 2017

1920x1080

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lggwk/my_new_years_resolution_for_2017/
%
TIL Pigeons die when they have sex

At least the one I fucked did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgcbd/til_pigeons_die_when_they_have_sex/
%
Two of the Trump children were cheating on an exam..

The first question was "Old MacDonald had a ______."  Eric tried to see Tiffany's paper, couldn't, so whispered "Tiffany, what's the answer to number 1?"  She rolled her eyes and said "You are the stupid one of the family.  It's Old MacDonald had a farm, everyone knows that."  "Oh right!" said Eric.  He hesitates a minute then whispers "Hey Tiffany, how do you spell farm?"  She rolls her eyes again, "Wow, you really are dumb.  They tell you right in the song, it's EIEIO."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgbv7/two_of_the_trump_children_were_cheating_on_an_exam/
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Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers

Will make your car look fucking stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgb54/warning_game_of_thrones_spoilers/
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How do the ladies get Batman to come?

Ask Lt. Gordon to turn on the bat-signal.
Get your mind out of the gutter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lgaa9/how_do_the_ladies_get_batman_to_come/
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How does Times Square start the new year?

By having Mariah Carey drop the ball! "The audience can sing this one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lg9tq/how_does_times_square_start_the_new_year/
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A joke my girlfriend's German grandmother told me.

A drunk fisherman is walking home from the bar and is about to be very sick.  He gets home but outside he vomits all of the beer he drank and all of the sausages he ate on the sidewalk.
A few moments later while the drunk is gathering himself, a small dog runs up and begins eating the sausages the man threw up.  The man, only now just realizing there's a dog in front of him, is confused.
"Okay", he says to himself.  "I remember where I got the beer from, and I remember where I ate the sausages, but I have no idea where I ate that dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lg9o9/a_joke_my_girlfriends_german_grandmother_told_me/
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How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We may never know the truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lg8q0/how_many_conspiracy_theorists_does_it_take_to/
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Worse Day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and
gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly,
as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says,
"I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm  a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the
parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife
with another man... and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!"
But, enough about me. How are you doing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lg7kc/worse_day/
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Friends are like snow

when you pee on them, they disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lg6v2/friends_are_like_snow/
%
After several drinks last night, I had a great Buzz.

Unfortunately I was no longer able to get a Woody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lg5va/after_several_drinks_last_night_i_had_a_great_buzz/
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How do calculus students feel about undefined slopes in Cartesian planes?

Indifferential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lg5o0/how_do_calculus_students_feel_about_undefined/
%
A liar, A cheat, and a sore loser walk into a bar.

The bartender says:
What'll it be Mrs.Clinton?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lg0js/a_liar_a_cheat_and_a_sore_loser_walk_into_a_bar/
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Fans around the globe are rockin' out to Mariah Carey's latest hit single ...

"*The Monitors Are Down ...*", performed live for the first time today in downtown New York City, has been praised for a unique nihilistic style and pertinent statements regarding the internet-induced apathy of today's youth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lfzfv/fans_around_the_globe_are_rockin_out_to_mariah/
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I hate Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lfxj0/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
My boss fired me.

"Why?" I protested. "I haven't done anything!"
Turns out that was his reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lfxcu/my_boss_fired_me/
%
Are you guys OK?

I haven't heard from you all year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lfuso/are_you_guys_ok/
%
Hats off to those people brave enough to wear those silly New Years hats at work.

No... I meant take your hats off.  You look stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lfrso/hats_off_to_those_people_brave_enough_to_wear/
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Why is the men's room always located to the left?

Because women are always right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lfqxs/why_is_the_mens_room_always_located_to_the_left/
%
I think my friend is addicted to drinking brake fluid

He says he can stop anytime he wants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lfq5c/i_think_my_friend_is_addicted_to_drinking_brake/
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lfpgm/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_off_the_boat/
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RIP Boiled Water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lfpcc/rip_boiled_water/
%
I don't see why Mariah Carey is getting so much abuse.

Every year at Times Square someone drops the ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lflr7/i_dont_see_why_mariah_carey_is_getting_so_much/
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This is how marketing works.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lflax/this_is_how_marketing_works/
%
I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lfi0q/im_sexually_attracted_to_metal_boxes_with_locking/
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Let's have phone sex over walkie talkies.

"Bend over."
"Bend what? Over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lfhjx/lets_have_phone_sex_over_walkie_talkies/
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I went to a large bookstore ...

... and asked the lady at the counter, where the self-help section was. She said if she would tell me, it would defeat the very purpose of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lffg9/i_went_to_a_large_bookstore/
%
I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she should understand what rejection feels like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lfdma/i_told_the_ambulance_guys_the_wrong_blood_type/
%
Bought myself a really tight fit bomber jacket the other day

But once I had got it on it wouldnt go off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lfd25/bought_myself_a_really_tight_fit_bomber_jacket/
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A day in Supreme Leaders life :

Kim jong wakes up
Kim jong sun
Kim jongs day starts
Kim jong begun
Kim jong exercises
Kim jong run
Kim jong has breakfast
Kim jong bun
Kim jong checks name list
Kim jong one
Kim jong eats cake
Kim jong fun
Kim jong tries to fire missiles
Kim jong stun
Kim jong tries to drift a tank
Kim jong spun
Kim jong makes a joke
Kim jong pun
Kim jong gives fucks about people's lives
Kim jong none
Kim jong tired, goes back to sleep
Kim jong done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lf9nj/a_day_in_supreme_leaders_life/
%
I like my coffee how I like my women

Without someone else's dick in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lf8ro/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
%
BBC's Sherlock got cancelled

Shit, no Sherlock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lf86z/bbcs_sherlock_got_cancelled/
%
Wow I'm hungry.

I haven't eaten all year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lf3um/wow_im_hungry/
%
Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in "The Crown"?

She probably gets royalties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lf3c2/why_would_the_queen_let_netflix_use_her_likeness/
%
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project..

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lf30v/when_nasa_was_preparing_for_the_apollo_project/
%
The new pool lifeguard was talking to his boss about his experience so far

"There's an exceptional amount of friendly people here. It's been at least seven who has waved at me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lf2rr/the_new_pool_lifeguard_was_talking_to_his_boss/
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I just got a job crushing cans…

It's soda-pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lf1dz/i_just_got_a_job_crushing_cans/
%
What is Bielefeld's Zip Code?

404

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lf0xv/what_is_bielefelds_zip_code/
%
Happy New Year!

Welcome to 20🇧🇷🇩🇪!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5levln/happy_new_year/
%
A guy visits a doctor's office

Guy: "Doctor, I can't stop singing 'What's New, Pussycat'. You have to help me."
Doctor: "Hmmm, it sounds like you have 'Tom Jones syndrome'."
Guy: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "It's not unusual."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lenui/a_guy_visits_a_doctors_office/
%
A supervisor is being given a tour of a hospital by a doctor

The supervisor and doctor come across a patient in a room that is feverishly masturbating.
"What is going on here!?" the supervisor demanded.
"This man has a very rare disease," the doctor explained. "If he does not ejaculate every hour, his testicles will fill with semen and burst."
The supervisor accepted the explanation and they continued the tour coming to a room where a nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"What is going on here!?" the supervisor demanded and the doctor says,
"Same disease, better health plan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lenqu/a_supervisor_is_being_given_a_tour_of_a_hospital/
%
I hate when people ask me where I see myself in 3 years.

Do I look like I have a 2020 vision?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5leiss/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_where_i_see_myself_in_3/
%
Nobody showed up for my Time Traveler-themed New Year's party

I guess I shouldn't bother with sending the invitations next week after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lefx8/nobody_showed_up_for_my_time_travelerthemed_new/
%
I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass

I mean,I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ledom/i_dont_understand_why_obama_has_to_give_his/
%
My father used to say "Take everything with a pinch of salt"

Nice man. Made terrible tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5le5qx/my_father_used_to_say_take_everything_with_a/
%
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5le57c/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
%
TIFU by giving someone the wrong sandwich at a deli

Whoops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5le562/tifu_by_giving_someone_the_wrong_sandwich_at_a/
%
Kim Jong Un wakes up after a drinking binge.

He walks around his office, but sees no one. He explores his building, but can't find anyone. He peers out of the window, and the streets of Pyongyang are completely empty.
His phone rings. Hurriedly he lifts it, hoping to get an explanation. His wife was on the other end of the line.
*"Glorious husband! Last night you had too much Soju and opened our borders."*
*"Shit! Are the two of us the only people left?"*
*"Actually... I'm calling from Seoul."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5le4mf/kim_jong_un_wakes_up_after_a_drinking_binge/
%
My mom said if I get ten thousand upvotes she will tuck me in

Come on. She really wants a daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5le3jb/my_mom_said_if_i_get_ten_thousand_upvotes_she/
%
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.
Men can be Feminists, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5le3fx/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common?

They both contain high amounts of trans fats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5le1x4/what_does_tumblr_and_kfcs_chicken_have_in_common/
%
What did Gandalf say to the guy with a shy bladder?

"You shall not piss."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5le0s2/what_did_gandalf_say_to_the_guy_with_a_shy_bladder/
%
2017 has been great so far

So far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldz92/2017_has_been_great_so_far/
%
Did you see the ball drop in New York?

Mariah Carey did it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldwlv/did_you_see_the_ball_drop_in_new_york/
%
In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...

That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldtev/in_order_to_finish_my_2016_resolution_i_cut_off/
%
A black man walks into a job office

He goes the the clerk's desk, slams his fist and says, *"I'm sick and tired of living off welfare. I want a job."*
*"You're lucky"*, the clerk says. *"We've got an opening you'll like."*
*"A local billionaire needs a chauffeur for his nympho daughter and her friends. Fast cars, champagne, and tropical resorts await you. You start with an annual paycheck of $ 120,000"*
The black man is stunned, *"Wow! You've gotta be shitting me!"*
*"Well, you started it."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldsbi/a_black_man_walks_into_a_job_office/
%
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lds7g/dating_in_your_30s_is_like_looking_for_a_parking/
%
Two flies are sitting on a toilet.

One gets pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lds1k/two_flies_are_sitting_on_a_toilet/
%
I heard there was a bombing in Times Square.

But it was just Mariah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldryo/i_heard_there_was_a_bombing_in_times_square/
%
Rain drop, drop top....

Mariah Carey's career ended before the ball dropped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldqnm/rain_drop_drop_top/
%
Happy New Years 2013!

Hey guys I'm sending this through Internet Explorer, hope you guys had a great 2012!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldqb1/happy_new_years_2013/
%
Mariah Carey'a New Year's performance.

That's it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldolh/mariah_careya_new_years_performance/
%
I remember 2016...

Just like it was yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldojk/i_remember_2016/
%
Happy New Year #2018

first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldohw/happy_new_year_2018/
%
I'm tired of making fun of Mariah Carey

It's so 2016

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldobc/im_tired_of_making_fun_of_mariah_carey/
%
In 2017 I'm going to start eating healthy again.

This marks the end of my cheat decade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldob9/in_2017_im_going_to_start_eating_healthy_again/
%
Who knows how to sing Mariah Carey songs?

Not Mariah Carey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldo6d/who_knows_how_to_sing_mariah_carey_songs/
%
My New Year's Resolution was to stop masturbating

Well I guess there's always next year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldnl8/my_new_years_resolution_was_to_stop_masturbating/
%
Congrats to Ohio State, you didn't have the worst performance of the evening...

...Mariah Carey's got your back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldmz8/congrats_to_ohio_state_you_didnt_have_the_worst/
%
What moved less than Jenny McCarthy's forehead tonight?

Mariah Carey's mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldmyi/what_moved_less_than_jenny_mccarthys_forehead/
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The final death of 2016....

Mariah Carey's live performance career

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldm8o/the_final_death_of_2016/
%
2016 ends with Mariah Carey dying

On the stage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldlui/2016_ends_with_mariah_carey_dying/
%
The Biggest Joke of 2016

Mariah Carey's Performance at Dick Clarks Rockin New Years Eve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldle6/the_biggest_joke_of_2016/
%
Mariah Carey

That awesome performance.
Update: thanks for helping me get to the front page of r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldl9q/mariah_carey/
%
Two pharaohs farted at the same time.

They had a toot in common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldl8n/two_pharaohs_farted_at_the_same_time/
%
Hey, how does Hitler ties his shoes?

in little Nazis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldl2i/hey_how_does_hitler_ties_his_shoes/
%
How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

Invite two of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldk09/how_do_you_get_a_mormon_to_stop_drinking_all_of/
%
For sale: The Complete Enlopædiea Brittania

Reason: No longer needed. Wife knows everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldj4f/for_sale_the_complete_enlopædiea_brittania/
%
Why are mountains so funny?

Because they are hill areas.
I'll show myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldj48/why_are_mountains_so_funny/
%
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldiuq/how_many_divorced_men_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A priest, a minister and a rabbi wanted to see who was best at their job...

So they went into the forest with the task of converting a bear.
Couple of days later, they meet. The priest says, "I found a bear in the woods and sprinkled him with holy water. The bear was is having his first communion next week."
The minister says, "I found one by the mountains and started preaching God's word to him. The bear was so mesmerised that I could baptise him."
The rabbi, lying on the hospital bed with casts everywhere on his body, says, "I found one by the river... I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldh3d/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_wanted_to_see_who/
%
On a scale of 1 to 10,

You're a 9
... and I'm the 1 you need!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldf66/on_a_scale_of_1_to_10/
%
What sound does a grape make when you step on it?

Just a little wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ldevq/what_sound_does_a_grape_make_when_you_step_on_it/
%
A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...

...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.
P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ld66g/a_white_woman_takes_a_black_man_she_met_a_club/
%
A child tells her mother "Daddy says he needs to borrow your typewriter"...

The woman smiles, knowing this is their secret code for sex, but knowing she is on her period, tells her daughter "Tell Daddy that my typewriter only has red ink right now." So the child goes to tell her father.
The next day, the mother tells her child, "Tell Daddy he can use my typewriter now." When the child comes back, she tells her mother. "Daddy said he borrowed the neighbors typewriter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ld60h/a_child_tells_her_mother_daddy_says_he_needs_to/
%
At least George Micheal wasn't a liar.

Last Christmas he gave us his heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ld4fh/at_least_george_micheal_wasnt_a_liar/
%
Where did the orphans go after the Orphanage blew up?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ld45i/where_did_the_orphans_go_after_the_orphanage_blew/
%
How many James Pattersons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one, but he'll just hire a ghostwriter to do it for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ld40k/how_many_james_pattersons_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
How do you greet a celiac German?

Gluten Tag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ld2bc/how_do_you_greet_a_celiac_german/
%
What do audiophiles like listening to?

Audio files.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ld16v/what_do_audiophiles_like_listening_to/
%
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn.

He will just have to mow around me because I'm not moving..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lcxhv/i_woke_up_hungover_to_the_sound_of_my_neighbour/
%
My father complained "I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men."

Dad, you're using Uber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lcsea/my_father_complained_ive_been_using_a_dating_app/
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Chairman Mao was a keen rock climber who managed to scale all the top ten peaks of China. He commemorated his achievement by getting his ears pierced and adding 10 pieces of jewellery to represent each peak.

he was....(ahem)....MaoTenEarring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lcqcc/chairman_mao_was_a_keen_rock_climber_who_managed/
%
What do you call a line of iron cats?

A Feline...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lcnqr/what_do_you_call_a_line_of_iron_cats/
%
What do you get when you cross an attention whore with an attention horse?

The centaur of attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lcm2o/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_attention_whore/
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What did one boob say to the other?

You're my breast friend. We have had so many mammaries together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lcjsy/what_did_one_boob_say_to_the_other/
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God I hate hidden microphones

They bug me so much!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lcjqr/god_i_hate_hidden_microphones/
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2017 won't be all bad

For the few people living just the right distance away from the nuclear strikes,the radiation will cure their cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lcj9a/2017_wont_be_all_bad/
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Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lch43/did_you_hear_that_nyc_paid_hillary_clinton/
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Why can't humans hear a dog whistle?

Because dogs can't whistle.
(X-post from r/dadjokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lcgh5/why_cant_humans_hear_a_dog_whistle/
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Did you hear the joke about the roof?

I would tell you, but it tends to go over people's heads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lcggk/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_roof/
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What do you get a body builder for Christmas?

A dictionary, so they get plenty of definition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lcg77/what_do_you_get_a_body_builder_for_christmas/
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What's the difference between a rooster and a hooker? [NSFW]

The rooster says Cock-a-doodle-do, and the hooker says Any cock will do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lcei1/whats_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_a/
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Why was 6 afraid of 10?

Because 10 was in the middle of 9,11...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lccbo/why_was_6_afraid_of_10/
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I don't understand why Christians are so bothered by trans people...

After all, the first cross dresser was Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lca8w/i_dont_understand_why_christians_are_so_bothered/
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What do fish do when they have cancer?

Nemotherapy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lc755/what_do_fish_do_when_they_have_cancer/
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I'm a bank teller and some old lady asked for help checking her balance

... So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lc3y7/im_a_bank_teller_and_some_old_lady_asked_for_help/
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See you next year

I DID IT OK DONT JUDGE ME I HAVE TO DO IT EVERY FUCKING YEAR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lc3rr/see_you_next_year/
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How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?

They'll get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lc2mf/how_do_mexicans_feel_about_trumps_wall/
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Next time you prematurely ejaculate

Just remember you probably still lasted longer than Ronda Rousey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lc03g/next_time_you_prematurely_ejaculate/
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A man goes to the doctor about a little problem.

"Doctor, I have just met the most perfect woman. My problem is, my penis is all but non-existent. Can you help me?"
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "We have three options. The first involves pills that will increase your size. The second is physical therapy to stretch you longer. The third is replacement surgery."
The man looks surprised. "Replacement? With what?"
"A baby elephant trunk."
The man looks puzzled for a moment, "Doctor, I have a date with her in a week. Which method will get me ready by then?"
"Well, the pills take a month, so they're out. The physical therapy takes two weeks so it's no good. But after the surgery, you'll be sore, but everything will be fine."
"Well, okay. If you think the elephant trunk is the way to go, I'll do it!"
A week later the man is sitting across the table from a beautiful woman who he is completely enamored with.
"Should we start with some rolls?" He asks her.
"That sound's perfect" she says, "I'm so hungry."
He signals the waiter over and puts one of the rolls on his plate.
In a flash his baby elephant trunk penis whips out of his pants, grabs the roll and disappears.
The woman is shocked. "What the hell was that?!"
"That was my baby elephant trunk penis." The man says, squirming a bit.
"That was amazing" The woman is trying to see over the table to his crotch. "Can I see it again?"
The man looks at her with a pained expression and says, "I'd like to show you, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbxoq/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_about_a_little_problem/
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What do you give a canine seeking meaningless validation on the internet?

Pupvotes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbwys/what_do_you_give_a_canine_seeking_meaningless/
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I have to work new years eve.

But I'm not upset, after work I have the rest of the year off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbtac/i_have_to_work_new_years_eve/
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Grandpa takes grandson fishing...

So this grandpa takes his grandson out on the boat to go fishing at the lake. After they find their spot and drop anchor, the grandpa tells the grandson, "hey kid, go get me a beer from the cooler"
the grandson gets the beer and hands it to him and asks "hey grandpa, can I have one?"
Grandpa replies, "can your dick touch your asshole?"
"No" says the grandson
"Welp, sorry, then you can't have one"
Shortly after grandpa finishes his beer, he sparks up a cigar. Again the boy asks "hey grandpa, can I have one?"
"Can your dick touch your asshole?" Grandpa asks again
Again the boy replies sadly, "no"
The fishing day ends and they head back to the house where they can smell grandmas fresh baked cookies freshly out of the oven. The grandpa was putting away the boat and fishing gear and sees the boy coming out of the house with a fresh cookie.
Grandpa asks "hey grandson can I have one of those?"
Of course the boy replies with, "can your dick touch your asshole?"
"Why yes it can" grandpa responds
"Well then go fuck yourself...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbt2u/grandpa_takes_grandson_fishing/
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The man who invented the Kinder Surprise had died.

The pathologist who does his autopsy is in for a treat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbrka/the_man_who_invented_the_kinder_surprise_had_died/
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My SO and I recently decided we don't want to have kids...

I think the kids are taking it the hardest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbqfy/my_so_and_i_recently_decided_we_dont_want_to_have/
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My boss wanted revenge.

Boss wanted revenge on me for sleeping with his wife.
So he  stole my  phone to get my girlfriend's mobile number.
Poor bastard's been sending dick pics to his daughter all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbpms/my_boss_wanted_revenge/
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What did the big chimney say to the smaller chimney?

You're too young to be smoking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbh4l/what_did_the_big_chimney_say_to_the_smaller/
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I like my women like I like my doctors

Always asking me to take my clothes off whenever I see them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbgt2/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_doctors/
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An American walks into a pub in Australia...

...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck i've ever seen in my life.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbgdc/an_american_walks_into_a_pub_in_australia/
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A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbft0/a_13_year_old_boy_has_difficulty_with_mathematics/
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My dad keeps trying to teach us...

My dad keeps trying to teach us about our partially Eskimo heritage, but I don't care.
I'm just not Inuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbeuw/my_dad_keeps_trying_to_teach_us/
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Some people are like slinkies

They don't do much, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbeeq/some_people_are_like_slinkies/
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Confession: I masturbate.

Damn, that felt good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbdsl/confession_i_masturbate/
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Have you checked on your shelves recently?

You know, just to see how they're holding up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lbbtq/have_you_checked_on_your_shelves_recently/
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What's the difference between alcoholism and a lobotomy?

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lb6b4/whats_the_difference_between_alcoholism_and_a/
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A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guy replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist asks, "Well, then what are you doing here?"
The guy says, "Your light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lb4ke/a_guy_walks_into_a_dentists_office_and_says_i/
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I used to be a fan of reading Tolkien

But then I kicked the hobbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lb16c/i_used_to_be_a_fan_of_reading_tolkien/
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Stay safe out there on New Years Eve

Who am I kidding, I'm talking to Redditors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lb0l9/stay_safe_out_there_on_new_years_eve/
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How many people does it take to make a joke on /r/Jokes?

Three. One to post it, one to make a better punchline in the comments, and one to repost it the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lazzp/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_make_a_joke_on/
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A Russian, an Irishman and a Scott walks into a bar..

Just kidding. They never left the bar in the beginning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5laxto/a_russian_an_irishman_and_a_scott_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why I Chose my Internet Provider

I chose Cox. At least they are honest about who they are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5las1k/why_i_chose_my_internet_provider/
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Russians dolls.

They're so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5laq4q/russians_dolls/
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What is the difference between an Afghanistani Primary School and a Taliban Base?

What would I know, I am just a drone pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5laplj/what_is_the_difference_between_an_afghanistani/
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What do you call a girl that goes down right after you just met?

Ronda Rousey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lap3p/what_do_you_call_a_girl_that_goes_down_right/
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Why are there no Walmarts in Syria?

Because they're all targets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lan83/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_syria/
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Tonight I'm going to party like it's 1999

Because back then the worst thing I had to worry about was just a computer glitch destroying civilization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lamnu/tonight_im_going_to_party_like_its_1999/
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The difference between your boyfriend and Ronda Rousey is...

Ronda actually gets paid to disappoint people for 48 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lam9n/the_difference_between_your_boyfriend_and_ronda/
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Is this winter to be cold?

The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the nearest phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again:
"Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lam02/is_this_winter_to_be_cold/
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I took my wife on our honyemoon to Australia..

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.
"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"
I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."
The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"
I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lakyw/i_took_my_wife_on_our_honyemoon_to_australia/
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Bud light is alot like sex in a canoe...

It's fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ladsb/bud_light_is_alot_like_sex_in_a_canoe/
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What is black and stuck to the ceiling?

A crappy electrician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5lachw/what_is_black_and_stuck_to_the_ceiling/
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I'm so damn tired.

I haven't slept since last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5la9zv/im_so_damn_tired/
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I haven't gotten laid all year

and its not even 2017 yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5la8jd/i_havent_gotten_laid_all_year/
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A guy walked home from work

He walked through the red light district because he felt horny. He saw a sight that read "DIET FUCK". 'I feel like fucking and I'm overweight so this is perfect!' he thought. He walked in and there was a girl standing naked there.
"If you catch me then you can fuck me!" the girl said.
So the guy was chasing her around the room and eventually caught her. He proceeded to fuck her.
He walked home and weighed himself. 'Wow I lost 3 pounds! This diet fuck is great!' he thought.
He continued going there each day after work until one day he asked her "Is there anything stronger?"
"Sure! Go to the second floor!" she replied.
So the guy walked to the second floor and through these large iron doors.
As he walked in, they shut closed behind him. There was a naked 7 foot man standing there with words written on his body that read: IF I CATCH YOU I WILL FUCK YOU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5la775/a_guy_walked_home_from_work/
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[Starwars] How can you tell Luke is Uncircumcised?

Because he has Force Kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5la1cz/starwars_how_can_you_tell_luke_is_uncircumcised/
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I'm so tilted

My slope is undefined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5la13y/im_so_tilted/
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From the Gallipoli campaign in World War I...

The Australians are interrogating a captured Turkish soldier, when finally poor Mehmet has a question for them.
"Why do you call God such awful names?  Why do you curse Him when your soldiers go into battle?"
The Aussies were surprised. "What do you mean?"
"Well, when we Turks leap out of our trenches and charge your lines, we cry 'Allah! Allah!'  But when you charge us, you shout 'Bloody BASTAAARRRDD!!!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9zmf/from_the_gallipoli_campaign_in_world_war_i/
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So a 70ish year old grandpa randomly walked up to me in the gym and laid this one on me:

What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone?
You skip them both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9xu3/so_a_70ish_year_old_grandpa_randomly_walked_up_to/
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The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9x8u/the_new_father/
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I painted my computer black hoping it would run faster...

Now it doesn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9v85/i_painted_my_computer_black_hoping_it_would_run/
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At the job interview...

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in three years?
Me: Sorry, I don't have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9u1j/at_the_job_interview/
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Vegetarian is an ancient Native Indian word meaning

"bad hunter".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9u0l/vegetarian_is_an_ancient_native_indian_word/
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What's the difference between the average person and a feminist?

About 200 pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9si4/whats_the_difference_between_the_average_person/
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Why is Hillary spelled with 2 L's?

One for 2008 and one for 2016.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9pxa/why_is_hillary_spelled_with_2_ls/
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What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

BABOOM!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9oci/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_in_a_minefield/
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How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

The light bulb was already changed a month ago the last time this was reposted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9mnd/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Why did the guitarist get thrown in jail?

He was caught fingering A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9lai/why_did_the_guitarist_get_thrown_in_jail/
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Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9iko/carrie_fisher_runs_into_george_micheal_in_the/
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My wife said I suffer from premature ejaculation..

I told her that I don't suffer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9i89/my_wife_said_i_suffer_from_premature_ejaculation/
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You should never marry a tennis player.

Apparently love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9gtn/you_should_never_marry_a_tennis_player/
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What does an astronaut say when he's sorry?

All my Apollo-gies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9fez/what_does_an_astronaut_say_when_hes_sorry/
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My boss asked if I accomplished my years resolution

Nope, I'm still working here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9bsf/my_boss_asked_if_i_accomplished_my_years/
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What do I and Ronda Rousey have in common?

neither of us can last more than a minute :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9bde/what_do_i_and_ronda_rousey_have_in_common/
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth

then it becomes a soap opera

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9ayl/singing_in_the_shower_is_all_fun_and_games_until/
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What does a woman want to have most?

Long time ago there was a monster wandering around villages. Each time he arrived a village, it would disappear from the map. But the monster was reasonable. As soon as he came to the village, the head of the village would be summoned, deciding the fate of themselves.
The monster said: "I will just ask one question. If you can answer it, I will never come back to this village again. If the answer is wrong, three people should die each day. For the first time answering, three days for you, but there must be treats for me for the time being.". He asked: "What does a woman want to have most?". No village survived.
But there was a young man, head of this wealthy village, who settled the village and made it successful. Such a beautiful village was soon on sight of the monster. One day, he came to the village, stomped his axe to the ground, shouted: "THE UNDERLORD IS HERE.".
People crumbled. The legend of his power was known. Everyone looked at the only hope: village head. They confronted the monster, knowing what the monster would say. The village panicked. 3 days was about to end soon but still there was no final answer. Someone would die... They asked many woman in and out the village, there were too many good answer, and known to be wrong since destroyed villages left their notes. Some said penises. Some said wealthy. Some said children. A good man, happiness, fame... were not the answer the village looking for. But there was a woman they didn't ask. She was hated, disgusted by the looks. She was there at the first day of the village, but was thrown out of the village just because she was too ugly and looked like a witch. It was the village's vote, the head couldn't do anything. Anyhow, she later became a witch after learning secrets from the forest, then lived there forever.
They all came to the witch's house, telling her the situation. She laughed uncontrollably. She KNEW the answer. Resisting the urge to laugh, she said: "I know the answer, but I have conditions. I want the village head to marry me, love and live with me forever.". People was given the hope. They pushed the village head to do so. He paused for a while but then had no other choice. "The day the monster goes away is the day of our marriage.", the witch said.
Next day, they came to the monster, telling him: "What woman wants most is the right to decide everything on her own". Of course it was the right answer. The monster was both surprised and angry and the same time. He didn't expect the village to answer it right. He then left angrily and kept his words. Next thing was the wedding. People danced, sang for their lives in happiness.
The village head didn't complain any, though he was a bit sad since he couldn't even decide his marriage. The ugly witch was moved by his behavior and his faithfulness, turned into a beautiful girl. The witch looked so fabulous that girls might turn lesbian. She said: "This is my other appearance. I might change my appearance only twice in my life, either an ugly one or this one. What do you want honey?". The village head, her husband, paused for few seconds then answered straightly: "It is for you to decide". She then smiled and remained to have beautiful look for the rest of her life, living happily with him.
The lesson of this story is that, no matter the appearance of women, THEY ARE FUCKIN WITCHES DONT FUKIN TRUST THEM.
// Sorry for the long story and potato grammur, engrisk is not my first language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9a9a/what_does_a_woman_want_to_have_most/
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Dad: "Don't you come back late midnight again...

...Otherwise you'll be coming back next year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l9442/dad_dont_you_come_back_late_midnight_again/
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I never expected my dad to steal from his road construction job...

but when I got home all of the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l93mi/i_never_expected_my_dad_to_steal_from_his_road/
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Im so poor...

That my new years resolution is 144p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l93id/im_so_poor/
%
My grandma started running 5K / day at age 60

She's 93 now, we have no idea where she is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l92r3/my_grandma_started_running_5k_day_at_age_60/
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What's more dangerous than a serial killer?

A parallel killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8riu/whats_more_dangerous_than_a_serial_killer/
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Did you hear that Shakira and Madonna had a big fight?

They're no longer on a first-name basis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8q5r/did_you_hear_that_shakira_and_madonna_had_a_big/
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What do Tom Brady and Rhonda Rousey have in common?

Both struggle to last longer than a minute with a Brazilian woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8pcf/what_do_tom_brady_and_rhonda_rousey_have_in_common/
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Conspiracy theories are the same as moon landings...

They're all fake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8nsj/conspiracy_theories_are_the_same_as_moon_landings/
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What's the difference between a dog and your best friend?

The dog doesn't fuck your wife and walk the house in your robe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8kyl/whats_the_difference_between_a_dog_and_your_best/
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Squeeze

The local barkeep was so sure that he was the strongest man around that he offered a standing $1000 bet. The barkeep would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could  do it  Then one day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the barkeep said "OK," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the host paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8h7o/squeeze/
%
What do you put in an oragami gun?

Paper clips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8g8v/what_do_you_put_in_an_oragami_gun/
%
I've stopped dating this girl I met at the Diabetes Camp.

Turns out she isn't really my type.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8fh4/ive_stopped_dating_this_girl_i_met_at_the/
%
How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?

Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8ewf/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_an/
%
UFC 207

Not the first time I've paid $60 for 48 seconds of disappointment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8cqj/ufc_207/
%
What Happens When You Cross A Programmer And A Musician?

An Algo-rhythm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8bxx/what_happens_when_you_cross_a_programmer_and_a/
%
A boy is buying his first motorcycle

His mother is mortified that after saving up all through highschool he's going to risk his life and
buy a motorcycle in college. She asks him why he wants to ride and he replies "Because it's cool,
I'm an adult now, I want to feel free for once in my life"
His mum took that to heart. So off the boy goes with his dad to find a bike. They search the local
dealerships and finally find a nice Kawasaki KLR650, and the boy rides home infront of his dad
with pride.
When they arrive at their house, they see a woman straddling a Harley in full leathers, hair windswept
like an 80's metal guitarist, blasting Alice In Chains from the boombox on the ground beside her and
puffing on a cigarette.
The boy gets off his bike, takes off his helmet and walks up
"Mom, what the fuck do you think you're doing?" to which his mum replies
"I'm an adult now, I want to feel free for once in my life,  besides - it's cool"
The boy shakes his head and walks inside. Hoping that he'd learned his lesson, his mom returns the
Harley and leathers, puts her hair down and goes to explain to him that image doesn't mean everything.
A few years later, the boy dropped out of college and stopped talking to his family. His mom got worried
and found out he'd joined a biker gang. Mortified, she went immediately to their club to confront her son.
She goes up to the door and it's opened by a huge bearded monster, covered in tattoos and scars. She takes
a drag on her cigarette, pushes her crazy hair behind her shoulder and says "I'm here to join your club"
The giant biker can she's got no tattoos, makeup done, she's just playing dress up but decides to humor her
"Okay then, but you've got to meet the requirements - first: do you have a bike?"
Mom gestures with her cigarette towards the Harley, the biker nods and says "second, how much do you smoke?"
Mom pulls two empty packet out of her pockets before she finds the full one, lights up three more and takes
a drag on all at once, blowing the smoke at the giant biker
The biker nods and says "third, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
Mom is silent, thinking for a second and finally replies "Yes, and I've been swung around by my nipples too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8b9i/a_boy_is_buying_his_first_motorcycle/
%
What do you and Ronda Rousey have in common?

You will both be watching the next title fight from home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8axl/what_do_you_and_ronda_rousey_have_in_common/
%
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8alh/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
%
Rhonda is my type of woman...

She finishes before I do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8ajc/rhonda_is_my_type_of_woman/
%
How do we know JFK was a fan of PDA?

He was all over his wife at the parade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l89c1/how_do_we_know_jfk_was_a_fan_of_pda/
%
Kermit the Frog's favorite sex position?

Pig in a Blanket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l86l1/kermit_the_frogs_favorite_sex_position/
%
I hate church with all the sitting, standing, and kneeling.

I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l86as/i_hate_church_with_all_the_sitting_standing_and/
%
[Long]Another joke from my country

Part 1
There was a guy in a small village called 'Amda' and he had a weird fetish of trying to stick his dick in anyone who bends over infront of him.
People in his village started to avoid him once they got to know this fetish of his and that made Amda desperate to stick his dick in someone.
One day he was walking down the street and he saw a cow, which was eating grass in a field facing away from Amda. Being uncontrollably horny, he tried to stick it in the cow. The cow freaked out, kicked him and he died.
The next day his body was being prepaired by the funeral home, and the Embalmer had to cut off his man parts because he had a hard-on when he died and it would show up when he was dressed. So he cut his genetals off and dressed the body up ,placed him in the coffin and closed the lid.
When he was just about to close up and leave, the Embalmers wife walked in and saw the cut off genitals lying in the table and went.
"Oh, i didn't know that Amda passed away! when is his funaral?"
Part 2
Although Amda was a sex addict, he was a religous person and he went to heaven. As he was standing outside the pearly gates, disappointed that he couldn't satisfy his fetish before he died, was approached by St.Peters.
"Amda, you are a good person and you can enter heaven because of that. But you have to leave any wierd fetishes outside of pearly gates before you enter because that kind of behaviour is not allowed in here, Do you agree?"
After some thought, Amda agreed.
Delighted, St.Peters took out the golden key for the Pearly Gates, turned around, and bent down to reach the keyhole of the gate.............
Part 3
The devil was called by St. Peters
"Take this wierd fuck away from me, torture him in the worst possible way you can imagine!"
The devil agreed, and took Amda away in chains.
3 months passed by and St. Peter wandered what happened to the guy who tried to fuck him in the ass. So he went down to hell and met the devil.
"Do you remember the wierdo i sent here to be tortured about 3 months back? What punishment did you give to him"
Then the devil replied
"I have decided that the worst way a person can suffer is to boil him in a large vat of water!"
Exited, St. Peters told the devil that he wanted to see Amda suffering with his own eyes. The devil hesitated a bit and agreed to take St Peters to Amda and both of them walked down to the torture chamber.
St Peters saw people being skinned alive, burned alive, eaten by animals, but Amda was happily playing with water in a huge vat of water sitting on top of a pile of firewood that was never being lit.
St. Peters started screaming at the Devil
"WHY THE HELL IS THAT GUY SMILING AND PLAYING WITH WATER WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT HE SHOULD SUFFER FOR THE HORRIBLE THING HE DID TO ME!"
the Devil took out a box of matches, handed it over to St. Peters and calmly replied
"Why don't you go over there, bend down and start the fire yourself......."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l83rz/longanother_joke_from_my_country/
%
I don't like having long hair...

...but it's kind of growing on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l83cw/i_dont_like_having_long_hair/
%
What do you call cookies that no one touches?

Ignoreos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l8189/what_do_you_call_cookies_that_no_one_touches/
%
I went to the store for some flatbread...

They had naan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l80dp/i_went_to_the_store_for_some_flatbread/
%
I Need Some Cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l808x/i_need_some_cyanide/
%
I bought a 12 pack of condoms the other day.

The cashier asked if I'd like a bag, I said "Nah, I'll just turn the lights off".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l7yeg/i_bought_a_12_pack_of_condoms_the_other_day/
%
Mommy mommy I dont wanna see grandma!

Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l7w3u/mommy_mommy_i_dont_wanna_see_grandma/
%
An American and a Mexican are sitting at the beach when a genie offers both of them one wish.

The American says:
"I'd like a 5-mile-high wall around the US so that no foreigners or illegal Chinese goods can enter without our government's permission." And voilá the wall is built.
The genie then asks the Mexican what he wants:
"Fill it with lava."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l7w3o/an_american_and_a_mexican_are_sitting_at_the/
%
What's the difference between a painting and Jesus.

You only require one nail to put up the painting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l7u7o/whats_the_difference_between_a_painting_and_jesus/
%
2016 has done the impossible

It claimed the life of Chuck Norris.
"Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris (born March 10, 1940) is an American martial artist, actor, film producer and screenwriter died this morning in his house in Oklahoma at the age of 76. He is feeling much better now and has fully recovered from this minor annoyance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l7mx5/2016_has_done_the_impossible/
%
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two: one to get it 95% done, and the second to give it the twist at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l7mbk/how_many_mystery_writers_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l7k3s/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure... In Africa they didn't know what "Food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "Honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "Shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "Opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "Solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "Please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "The rest of the world" meant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l7jff/a_worldwide_survey_was_conducted_by_the_un/
%
What's Michelle Obama's favorite place on reddit?

/r/jokes cause it's all about recycling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l7ex3/whats_michelle_obamas_favorite_place_on_reddit/
%
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l7etu/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
For this New Years resolution I'm not going to smoke any more weed.

But I'm not gonna smoke any less either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l7e1m/for_this_new_years_resolution_im_not_going_to/
%
The Jonestown cult survivor was never any good at jokes.

He always missed the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l7bkg/the_jonestown_cult_survivor_was_never_any_good_at/
%
What do you call a botched circumcision?

A total rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l7a89/what_do_you_call_a_botched_circumcision/
%
I had to stop breeding rabbits...

I found it to be a hare raising experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l79i7/i_had_to_stop_breeding_rabbits/
%
What did the tv get for Christmas?

Replaced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l786o/what_did_the_tv_get_for_christmas/
%
I accidentally said "hello" to a feminist the other day....

The court trial starts tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l76l7/i_accidentally_said_hello_to_a_feminist_the_other/
%
What does the Pope use to dry his hands?

Papal towels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l75fw/what_does_the_pope_use_to_dry_his_hands/
%
The average person has sex 90 times a year.

Man this going to be an epic new years eve!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l72g4/the_average_person_has_sex_90_times_a_year/
%
I got arrested today for feeding the homeless guys on my street...

And to top it off, the cops took away my potato gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l722a/i_got_arrested_today_for_feeding_the_homeless/
%
I vandalized an art major's car today.

Removing pizza delivery signs is surprisingly easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l714x/i_vandalized_an_art_majors_car_today/
%
I think "dildo" is an acceptable insult.

Like I'd call you a dick, but you're not real enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6y91/i_think_dildo_is_an_acceptable_insult/
%
Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6xp6/counterfeit_1_bills_reportedly_found_in/
%
Albert Einstein and Benjamin Franklin go camping.

They arrive at the campsite and set their tent up and get everything ready. Night time comes and they decide to go into the tent and go to sleep.
During the night Albert wakes up and can see the stars so he wakes up Benjamin and asks him "Hey we can see the stars what does this mean?' Benjamin being very intelligent and smart gives Albert a very thorough scientific explanation explaining why they can both see the stars. Albert rolls over and looks at Benjamin and says "No you damn fool, someone stole our fucking tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6wig/albert_einstein_and_benjamin_franklin_go_camping/
%
What do you call a stolen Tesla Car?

Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6uj7/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla_car/
%
A male feminist walks into a bar. . .

Because it was set so low

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6u5p/a_male_feminist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, he's to short to be an essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6q2l/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
My Girlfriend says I never listen to her

Or something like that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6py4/my_girlfriend_says_i_never_listen_to_her/
%
Why did the cow get a raise?

She was out standing in her field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6puz/why_did_the_cow_get_a_raise/
%
Bumped into a friend of mine the other day.

He was wearing camouflage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6og3/bumped_into_a_friend_of_mine_the_other_day/
%
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector...

...The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6ku5/i_had_to_turn_off_my_carbon_monoxide_detector/
%
I tried to eat a clock once...

But it was too time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6kjp/i_tried_to_eat_a_clock_once/
%
The bible is 100% accurate

when thrown from close range.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6jk3/the_bible_is_100_accurate/
%
I became ill after taking self-defense classes...

I think I caught Kung Flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6jix/i_became_ill_after_taking_selfdefense_classes/
%
Two cows are standing in a field...

One turns to the other and says, "have you heard about mad cow disease? Apparently, it makes cows completely lose their minds."
The second says, "oh. Weird."
The first says, "well aren't you worried?"
The other says, "why would I be worried? I'm a helicopter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6g93/two_cows_are_standing_in_a_field/
%
My wife is so much better looking than me...

...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.
Credit: Charles Demers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6g1k/my_wife_is_so_much_better_looking_than_me/
%
Hey Russell, You want another Superbowl????

Russell "Nah, I'll pass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l692n/hey_russell_you_want_another_superbowl/
%
​SERIOUS WARNING!​ Do not go outside!

On the 31st December around 11:59pm. Do not go outside your house otherwise chances are, you will not come back until next year!!!
Please tell everyone u care for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l690e/serious_warning_do_not_go_outside/
%
A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window.

She goes inside to inquire:
Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.
Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l68na/a_woman_walks_by_a_clothes_shop_and_spots_a_nice/
%
!false

It's funny because it's true

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l6833/false/
%
What does former Vice President Gore play on the guitar?

An algorithm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l63q4/what_does_former_vice_president_gore_play_on_the/
%
Why did Mickey Mouse name his dog Pluto?

Because he's not a planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l63pr/why_did_mickey_mouse_name_his_dog_pluto/
%
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over by the police. Heisenberg is driving and the police man asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?".
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and asks him to open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l63pj/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car/
%
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

The first one says to the other one, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other one says, "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l62op/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
%
How do you make a hormone?

You don't pay her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5xlb/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
I can sum up 2016 in one word...

Nine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5xj2/i_can_sum_up_2016_in_one_word/
%
West Virginia Ghosts

A visiting professor at the University of West Virginia gives a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start," says the professor. "How many have seen a ghost?"
About 20 students raise their hands.
The professor asks, "Has anyone ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"OK," says the professor. "I'm curious -- have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes a step back and says, "Sir, would you be willing to come up here and tell us about your experience?"
The student make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Thank you for being so honest. Now, please, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?! Dang, I thought you was talkin' about 'goats.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5vvt/west_virginia_ghosts/
%
Dad: When you turn 18, I'm taking you to the strip club.

Teen: Dad, no!!!
Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5vjb/dad_when_you_turn_18_im_taking_you_to_the_strip/
%
Three tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?

None of them. They were all stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5vfc/three_tampons_are_walking_down_the_street_which/
%
What's the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit while the other hoots but can't shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5uao/whats_the_difference_between_a_blind_hunter_and_a/
%
How many ninjas does it take to...

Where did that lightbulb come from?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5qdc/how_many_ninjas_does_it_take_to/
%
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb ??

A Brazilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5phs/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
A Vietnamese couple were going to have a baby.

The father was really hoping for a boy, while the mother wanted a girl.
As luck would have it, they ended up having twins -- one boy and one girl.
It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5o7k/a_vietnamese_couple_were_going_to_have_a_baby/
%
I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind man.

Then my stupid boss told me I'll never be a bus driver again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5nbi/i_gave_up_my_seat_on_the_bus_to_a_blind_man/
%
A psychic midget broke out of prison...

He was a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5ifb/a_psychic_midget_broke_out_of_prison/
%
When my toaster broke, my wife left me.

I guess she was lack toast intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5idj/when_my_toaster_broke_my_wife_left_me/
%
What do horror movies and printer ink have in common?

The black one always dies first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5gbt/what_do_horror_movies_and_printer_ink_have_in/
%
I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters.

If you want, I can samurais it for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5b1e/i_just_read_a_long_article_about_japanese_sword/
%
Two prisoners were waiting to be executed.

"Any last requests?" asked the jailer.
"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up'  by Rick Astley."
And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5asz/two_prisoners_were_waiting_to_be_executed/
%
It is a very sad day today...

After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money.
A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5akh/it_is_a_very_sad_day_today/
%
Banned from telling this joke at the christmas table.

Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell.
He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building.
Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?"
The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but my ass hurts like hell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5a16/banned_from_telling_this_joke_at_the_christmas/
%
What do you call a dog that is underwater?

A sub-woofer!
Thank you, I'll be here all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l59f3/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_is_underwater/
%
My doctor told me I have 2 months to live

So I shot him and the judge gave me 30 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l57uj/my_doctor_told_me_i_have_2_months_to_live/
%
I like my women like I like my grenades

Hanging around my belt and ready to blow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l5447/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_grenades/
%
I got so drunk last night I lost my glasses.

The rest is a blur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l52cv/i_got_so_drunk_last_night_i_lost_my_glasses/
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Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

Just taught my 15 year old German Shepard to play dead! Cocky bastard is trying to set a record too! Been that way for eight hours now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l52ca/who_says_you_cant_teach_an_old_dog_new_tricks/
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What happened when the frogs car broke down?

It got toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l51rr/what_happened_when_the_frogs_car_broke_down/
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What's the difference between choking sex and necrophilia?

About 5 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l51hn/whats_the_difference_between_choking_sex_and/
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Why can't Bach play the piano?

He "Baroque" his arm, and also he's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l4vvr/why_cant_bach_play_the_piano/
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Nuts

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l4unu/nuts/
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Priest and Golfer

One sunny Saturday a Golfer invites his priest out for a round of golf. On the 5th hole, the Golfer forgets himself as he misses a 5 yard putt. "God Damn, I missed!" the Golfer exclaims.
The Priest glares at him a bit but doesn't say anything.
On the 10th hole the Golfer misses a 3 yard putt.  "God Damn it, missed again! The Priest glares at him a bit harder but still remains silent.
On the 16th hole the Golfer misses a 3 foot putt.  "God Damn it, I missed again!", rails the Golfer.  The Priest turns on him,"I haven't said anything up til now but if you take the lord's name in vain one more time, I'm going to ask him to strike you down!"
The Golfer apologizes profusely and is very sorry, however; on the 18th hold the Golfer misses a 6 inch putt and cannot help himself as the words fly out of his mouth, "God Damn it!  I missed again."
The Golfer panics as he sees the Priest muttering to himself as the sunny sky goes dark with clouds and a lighting bolt shoots down and strikes the Priest.  Suddenly the Golfer hears a heavenly voice surrounding him saying, "Damn it!  Missed again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l4sjs/priest_and_golfer/
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I hate bad jokes.

They should be pun-ishable by law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l4rus/i_hate_bad_jokes/
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Once upon a time there was a happy woman...

But that happened only once and only to one woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l4r42/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_happy_woman/
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I feel like I've eaten three countries!

...namely Turkey, Chile and Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l4m13/i_feel_like_ive_eaten_three_countries/
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I was just asked to give my credit card details.

I said, "It's rectangular, blue and not very valuable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l4kld/i_was_just_asked_to_give_my_credit_card_details/
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Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crumby.  - my 4 y.o. daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l4hyc/why_did_the_cookie_go_to_the_doctor/
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Teacher students joke .

"what do you want to become when you grow up?" A teacher asked his young students.
"I Want to be a like Iron Man" Thomas answered.
"OK, But Iron Man didn't just become like that without studying and working hard. I hope you become like him one day." said the teacher smiling.
"What about you Alice?" he continued, gesturing towards Alice.
"I want to become an Actress and become famous?" said Alice.
"Well I hope you achieve that one day and we see you in a great movie" said the teacher.
Jake raised his hand. And the teacher nodded at him for permission.
"I want to become very rich and very famous and have a big house and a Lamborghini and I want to get married and give my wife lots of money and buy her a car and a house and clothes and take her out and buy her anything she wants". Said Jake in a voice full of hope.
"Those are very nice and big dreams. You really have to work hard to achieve them" said the teacher smiling and lifting his eyebrows in surprise. And then turned to Robert, "What about you Robert?" said the teacher.
"I want to become Jake's wife" said Robert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l4h7s/teacher_students_joke/
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Complementing a mustache should be a good thing

I don't know why she took it as an insult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l4bvb/complementing_a_mustache_should_be_a_good_thing/
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When I was younger, I was given a choice: a good memory or a long dong.

I can't remember which I chose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l4ax6/when_i_was_younger_i_was_given_a_choice_a_good/
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What do you call a Polish fisherman?

A fishing pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l48yu/what_do_you_call_a_polish_fisherman/
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Bristol Palin called those who continue objecting to Trump "sissies".

She was going to call them "pussies" but Trump had already grabbed that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l48vo/bristol_palin_called_those_who_continue_objecting/
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I was talking to my friend over the weekend, when he brought up the subject of hobbies....

He asked, "What do you do in your free time".
To which I responded, "I stalk people".
"Oh", he exclaimed, "Really? I enjoy walks in the park or going to movies with friends".
"I know"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l40q6/i_was_talking_to_my_friend_over_the_weekend_when/
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I'm tired of people ripping on calculus all the time.

It derives me crazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3zss/im_tired_of_people_ripping_on_calculus_all_the/
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I stayed at my girlfriends family's place durring the Christmas break.

Her father was being a prick and wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame, because he is a real good looking guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3v3o/i_stayed_at_my_girlfriends_familys_place_durring/
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A robot man walks into a robot restaurant.

A robot waiter approaches and asks him for his robot order.
The robot man orders a robot steak.
The robot waiter asks him how he wants his robot steak prepared.
The robot man replies, "Weld on".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3udz/a_robot_man_walks_into_a_robot_restaurant/
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A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner,

He and his wife decide they won't tell the kids what they are eating.
But the dad gives them a clue 'It's what mummy calls me '
the little girl screams to her brother "DON'T EAT IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3tf1/a_man_kills_a_deer_and_brings_it_home_for_dinner/
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2016 strikes again. The inventor of the inappropriate innuendo has died.

His family are taking it really hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3t1y/2016_strikes_again_the_inventor_of_the/
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Recent studies show that 9 out of 10 people enjoy...

Gangrape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3qbm/recent_studies_show_that_9_out_of_10_people_enjoy/
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My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.
"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.
She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"
I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.
"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.
She laughed.
I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3p32/my_wife_found_me_in_the_kitchen_naked_holding_a/
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o’-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3mpc/what_do_you_get_if_you_divide_the_circumference/
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The Auschwitz-Birkenau Museum released a PSA that visitors were not allowed to play Pokemon GO!

Because they didn't want people pretending to be Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3jwt/the_auschwitzbirkenau_museum_released_a_psa_that/
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Michael Jackson should have become a guitar player.

He loved fingering minors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3jfc/michael_jackson_should_have_become_a_guitar_player/
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As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.
He asks hopefully, "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3itz/as_a_couple_gets_into_bed_the_husband_starts_to/
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What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3hci/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
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Before getting engaged to Serena, Alexis Ohanian actually dated a fencer

Until he got sick of the ripostes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3enj/before_getting_engaged_to_serena_alexis_ohanian/
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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.
The younger boy began praying at the top of his voice. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE!"
the older brother leaned over and nudged his younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandma is!" the little brother replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3dky/two_young_boys_were_spending_the_night_at_their/
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I'm worried that Alexis Ohanian will end up divorced.

In Tennis, love means nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3ay8/im_worried_that_alexis_ohanian_will_end_up/
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The Mexican Magician

There was once a famous magician in Mexico lets call him Juan, Juan wanted to move to the U.S. but didn't have the money so he tried to sneak in.
While he was climbing the fence he was spotted by the border patrol, so he hid.
They told him he had until the count of Three to surrender, But Juan didn't come out of hiding so the Border Patrol counted
Uno.....
Dos.......
*poof*
He disappeared without a Tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l3946/the_mexican_magician/
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Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l37im/photographers_are_so_violent/
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My wife said, "If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?"

I said, "Your husband."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l35kw/my_wife_said_if_you_could_change_one_thing_about/
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My credit card is like a stripper.

There isn't much on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l35ew/my_credit_card_is_like_a_stripper/
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If they crossover the stories of King Midas and Oedipus...

It'll be pure motherfucking gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l33wh/if_they_crossover_the_stories_of_king_midas_and/
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The police almost arrested a man for wanking to a caution sign.

But he got off with a warning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l331i/the_police_almost_arrested_a_man_for_wanking_to_a/
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What do you call a mountain that doesn't sleep?

Mt. Never-rest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l32xx/what_do_you_call_a_mountain_that_doesnt_sleep/
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A traveller goes into a bar in a small village

and orders a drink. He's sitting there a while and notices an old man in the corner who looks pretty down, so he decides to go and chat with him.
He walks up to the man and says "I hope i'm not intruding but i saw you looking sad and thought i would ask why"
The old man drains his drink and looks out the window. "All my life i have lived in this village. I was a builder. You see that church over there, the town hall, the school...i build all of those, but do they call me Daniel the builder? No."
"You see the toys the kids out there are playing with? The trains and wooden horses? I made those. Ever since i retired from building i make toys all year long and give them to the children at christmas time. But do they call me Daniel the toymaker? No."
"But you fuck one goat....just one goat....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l313g/a_traveller_goes_into_a_bar_in_a_small_village/
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My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up...

So I just packed my bags and right...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l2zxg/my_wife_said_she_has_had_enough_of_me_because_i/
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Jesus visits earth again for the first time in almost 2000 years...

When he descends from heaven the first thing he finds is two people smoking weed in an alley.
He walks up to them and asks: "Hey, what are you guys doing here?"
One of the two guys replies: "We're smoking a joint, you've never heard of it? Do you wanna have a go and try?"
Curious about what this "joint" thing is, Jesus accepts and smokes a bit.
After he's done he says: "Guys, I'm the real Jesus by the way."
The two guys look at him, nod in acknowledgement and say: "THAT'S the spirit, bro!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l2zaf/jesus_visits_earth_again_for_the_first_time_in/
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I can sum up 2016 in four words

Two thousand and sixteen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l2z4d/i_can_sum_up_2016_in_four_words/
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Four ladies were bragging to one another about how successful their sons were.

First Lady: My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father"
Second Lady: My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him "Your Grace"
Third Lady: My son is a cardinal. When he walks into a room, he's called "Your Eminence"
The fourth lady said, "My son is 6 feet 3, has board square shoulders, is gorgeously handsome and dresses so smartly. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, "Oh my God!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l2x20/four_ladies_were_bragging_to_one_another_about/
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Why did the double agent cross the road?

Because he never really was on your side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l2qwb/why_did_the_double_agent_cross_the_road/
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A mother cleaning her 12 year old's bedroom

A mum is cleaning her 12year old son's bedroom and finds a load of bondage gears and fetish magazines.
She asks her husband, "What do I do?"
He says, "I'm not sure, but whatever you do, don't spank him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l2qvf/a_mother_cleaning_her_12_year_olds_bedroom/
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What's the difference between Jam and Jelly?

Jam is made from crushed, pureed fruit and Jelly is made from fruit juice that gels when cooked.
What'd you think I was gonna say? Get your head out of the gutter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l2kiw/whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_jelly/
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I found out my date likes to dissect people from Southeast Asia.

I've since decided to cut Thais with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l2j9f/i_found_out_my_date_likes_to_dissect_people_from/
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Whats the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a bottle of glue?

Anyone can tune a piano, but noone can piano a tuna!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l2i2r/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_a_tuna_and_a/
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One day in a well known university

, a senior psychology professor started his class on a very serious topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the whistler's name. As usual and as expected no one answered.
The professor peacefully kept the pen in his pocket and picked up his bag. Saying that, the lecture ends here and that was enough for the day, he started moving towards the gate of the class. Students were overjoyed to be free.
Then, he suddenly stopped and turned towards the class, kept his bag on the table and said, "I'll tell you a story to utilise the remaining time". Everyone became interested.
Yesterday night I tried hard to sleep, but it was miles away from my eyes, so I thought I'd better get petrol in my car, which will save my time next morning and might induce sleep. After having my tank full, I started roaming in that area, enjoying the peace of a traffic free ride.
Suddenly, on the corner I saw a girl who was as young and beautiful as the clothes she was wearing. Must have been returning from a party. Out of courtesy, I turned my car towards her and asked if I may be of any help. She asked me if I could drop her to her home, she'll be very obliged, to which I agreed.
(Who would deny a beautiful young company instead of a dry non sleepy night)
She sat in the front seat with me. We started talking, and to my amazement she was very intelligent, had control on many topics which many youngsters don't.
When we reached her address, she admitted my courteous nature and behavior and accepted that she had fallen in love with me.
I also admitted her intelligence and beauty and that I've also started liking her. I told her about my job as a professor in the university.
The girl asked my number, which I gave her willingly. Then she asked me a favor, to which I couldn't have denied naturally.
She said that her brother is a student in the same university, and asked me to take care of him, since we'll be in a long relationship now.
I asked the name of the student.She said that I'll recognise him with one of his very prominent quality.
He whistles a lot.
The moment the professor said this, all eyes in the classroom turned towards the boy who had whistled.
The professor turned to that boy and said, "Young man I didn't get my Ph.D. in psychology by just sitting in classroom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l2hjx/one_day_in_a_well_known_university/
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Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They pushed two twins together to make a king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l2cmw/why_do_the_lannisters_have_such_big_beds/
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A man is walking home from work late at night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.
Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.
He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.
Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.
He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.
Bump…bump…bump.
The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.
He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.
BUMP…BUMP…BUMP!
He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.
He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.
Bump…bump…bump.
There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.
Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…BUMP! BUMP!
BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!
He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.
Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!
Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin — a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp — but the coffin keeps coming!
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!
His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!
The coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l2bn2/a_man_is_walking_home_from_work_late_at_night/
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My eyesight improves if I strap an address book to my face.

I wear contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l24bo/my_eyesight_improves_if_i_strap_an_address_book/
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Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped prison?

He was a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l232l/did_you_hear_about_the_midget_psychic_who_escaped/
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How is Debbie Reynolds like my penis?

They both had a stroke when they saw Carrie Fishers body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l21xe/how_is_debbie_reynolds_like_my_penis/
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Unemployed joke #2843

I know a couple jokes about unemployed people. Too bad none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1z91/unemployed_joke_2843/
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An inmate went messing, and his cellmate, a cannibal, claimed he had eaten him

The warden didn't believe him, so the cannibal finally threw up his hands out of frustration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1wza/an_inmate_went_messing_and_his_cellmate_a/
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What do you call a giant firebreathing lizard with a procrastination problem

Dragon his feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1vd8/what_do_you_call_a_giant_firebreathing_lizard/
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Knock, knock..........Goliath

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goliath.
Goliath who?
Goliath down -- you looketh tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1uka/knock_knockgoliath/
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How many morons does it take to change a lightbulb?

14,000.
1 to hold the lightbulb, 4 to hold the chair, and 13,995 to spin the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1u3r/how_many_morons_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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My math teacher used to call me average....

It was mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1oyw/my_math_teacher_used_to_call_me_average/
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Do you know why I love working out?

Because I always feel like a weight has been lifted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1mvq/do_you_know_why_i_love_working_out/
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Chuck Norris, the actor, film producer and screenwriter died in his house today at 76 years of age

He is now feeling much better and has fully recovered from this minor annoyance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1l90/chuck_norris_the_actor_film_producer_and/
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Last year my ex got mad at me because I was masturbating during a shower..

..which usually wouldn't be a big deal, but.... It was a baby shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1kkc/last_year_my_ex_got_mad_at_me_because_i_was/
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What's the difference between the Joker and Ronald McDonald?

The Joker only killed people in Gotham City.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1flm/whats_the_difference_between_the_joker_and_ronald/
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A couple driving to Disney World...

...saw signs for the nearby town of Kissimmee. Being unfamiliar with the area, they debated whether it is pronounced KISSimmee or kissIMMee or kissimmEE. The debate turned into an argument and they decided that when they got to the town they would ask one of the locals.
So they pulled into a fast food place on the main drag and went inside. Stepping up to the counter, the guy says, “I know this may sound like an unusual request, but could you please very slowly and distinctly tell us where we are?”
The clerk looks at him and slowly says “Buuurrrrgerrrerrrr Kiiiiiiinggggh.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1ed3/a_couple_driving_to_disney_world/
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My grandad gave me some sound advise on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers", he told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1c8p/my_grandad_gave_me_some_sound_advise_on_his/
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Extremely suspenseful joke #7845

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
“God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
“God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
“I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1bvr/extremely_suspenseful_joke_7845/
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Stalin loses his pipe

After seeing off the Armenian delegation, Stalin looks forward to a relaxing smoke. He searches his drawer for his pipe, but can't find it.
He phones is KGB headman, Lavrentiy Beria.
*"Comrade Beria. Chase after the delegation and see if they have my pipe."*
10 minutes later, Stalin phones Beria again.
*"Forget it Comrade. I found my pipe in another drawer."*
*"What a pity"*, Beria says. *"They all confessed"*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1bg7/stalin_loses_his_pipe/
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l19w9/what_do_you_get_if_you_divide_the_circumference/
%
Someone threw a grill at my face.

The attack made headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l19fp/someone_threw_a_grill_at_my_face/
%
What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l17y2/what_happens_when_a_carpenter_drinks_with_his_wife/
%
Leonid Brezhnev addresses local workers

^[[ ^This ^is ^an ^old ^Soviet ^joke. ^Brezhnev ^ruled ^from ^1964-1982, ^during ^which ^there ^were ^chronic ^shortages ^of ^everything ^]]
Brezhnev begins his speech.
*"Comrades, the State Planning Committee tells me that in a year, we'll run out of meat."*
*"We'll work 12 hours a day!",* shouts a worker at the back.
Brezhnev nods approvingly and continues, *"Comrades, the Committee tells me that in 6 months, we'll run out of flour."*
*"We'll work 16 hours a day!"*, the same worker shouts.
Brezhnev thanks him and continues, *"Comrades, the Committee tells me that in 3 months, we'll run out of water."*
*"We'll work day and night!"*, the worker roars.
Brezhnev is reduced to tears. *"Thank you for your dedication to the cause Comrade. But tell me, where do you work?"*
*"At the morgue."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l17k2/leonid_brezhnev_addresses_local_workers/
%
My girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, i thought she was joking..

..and then i saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l14s8/my_girlfriend_said_she_was_leaving_because_of_my/
%
An old granny walks into a sex shop

She's shaking badly, and the clerk assumes she has a bad case of Parkinsons.
*"Show me a vibrator"*, she says.
The clerk shows her a 4" unit.
*"Bigger!"*, she demands.
The clerk takes out an 8" unit.
*"Still bigger!"*
Out comes a 12" unit.
*"Show me the biggest one you got!"*
The clerk pulls out a massive 20", three-pronged vibrator with a two-stroke engine.
*"That's the one! Now how do you turn it off?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l14al/an_old_granny_walks_into_a_sex_shop/
%
I was walking through a graveyard this morning and saw a man squatting by a tombstone.

I shouted "Morning!"
He replied "No, just pooping."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l135u/i_was_walking_through_a_graveyard_this_morning/
%
Little Eddy has really upset the girls at school...

After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out in protest.
Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction.  Who can tell me how buildings are made?"
The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know".
The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain."
Eddy:  "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the entire construction project to begin, that could take months.  Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation.  Then, cement is poured into the foundation and before it dries, large steel pylons are inserted, and this provides the building strength and framwork.  Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.  Then the electrical guys come and lay down all the wiring, then the plumbing guys come and lay down all the plumbing.  Next drywall can be installed along with flooring, fixtures, vents, light boxes, and doors.  When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building.
The class remains quiet.
The teacher says:  WOW Eddy!  Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that?
Eddy:  For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish.
At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out.
Eddy looks around and says:
Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are not hiring yet, still waiting for final permit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l1272/little_eddy_has_really_upset_the_girls_at_school/
%
A Pokémon Go player walks into a bar...

Then into a tree... Then into a car...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0zj5/a_pokémon_go_player_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Kim Jong has a short one, Mickey Mouse's isn't human, the Pope doesn't use his, and Cher doesn't have one. What is it?

Last Names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0yau/arnold_schwarzenegger_has_a_long_one_kim_jong_has/
%
I started writting an autobiography but I gave up...

Story of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0vie/i_started_writting_an_autobiography_but_i_gave_up/
%
If i had a dollar for every time i had an existential crisis...

it wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0u0a/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_had_an/
%
After a lot of deliberation I've decided communism isn't right...

It's left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0p13/after_a_lot_of_deliberation_ive_decided_communism/
%
Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by putting it in water?

If it sinks, it's a girl.
If it floats, it's buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0obz/did_you_know_you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by/
%
What do you call a drug dealer in a strip club

A hardened criminal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0o5p/what_do_you_call_a_drug_dealer_in_a_strip_club/
%
A family is on a trip in Jerusalem

Halfway through the trip the wife's mother dies. The wife wants to bury her in Jerusalem because taking a dead body back to their home country is very expensive but the husband insists on taking her back. He eventually convinces her to fly the body back to their home country. The priest then asks them why they didn't bury her in Jerusalem and the husband replies
"They buried this other guy there once and he came back from the dead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0n6t/a_family_is_on_a_trip_in_jerusalem/
%
All Lives Matter

...until you multiply them by the speed of light squared.
Then all lives energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0jwf/all_lives_matter/
%
If I could be any super hero, I think I’d be Aluminium Man.

My superpower would be foiling crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0jlk/if_i_could_be_any_super_hero_i_think_id_be/
%
What's yellow and can't swim

A bus full of children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0ioj/whats_yellow_and_cant_swim/
%
What do you call an alligator with a magnifying glass?

An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0gpm/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_with_a_magnifying/
%
yo mama is

Yo' Mama is so ugly, her imaginary friend played with other kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0gll/yo_mama_is/
%
Four nuns about to take their vows..

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"
"We're from the groom's family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0fom/four_nuns_about_to_take_their_vows/
%
What do Trump and his supporters NOT have in common?

His supporters have a blind trust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l0973/what_do_trump_and_his_supporters_not_have_in/
%
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean in my bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l08xo/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
%
I found the secret to r/Jokes

Ctrl + C
Ctrl + V

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l05s7/i_found_the_secret_to_rjokes/
%
Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.

If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l056q/many_people_are_surprised_by_the_engagement_of/
%
A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife...

but a Tiger Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l040c/a_lion_wouldnt_cheat_on_his_wife/
%
What did the Australian chess player say to the waitress?

"Check mate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l01nf/what_did_the_australian_chess_player_say_to_the/
%
Why is Nixon a bad chef?

Because he is not a cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5l01i8/why_is_nixon_a_bad_chef/
%
What's one of the worst songs a to put on at a wedding?

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Dude looks like a lady
My best friends girlfriend
Jessie's girl
Another one bites the dust
What's love got to do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzzsw/whats_one_of_the_worst_songs_a_to_put_on_at_a/
%
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.

Hey it could happen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzzg9/two_irishmen_walk_out_of_a_bar/
%
My wife treats me like a God

Every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzz0e/my_wife_treats_me_like_a_god/
%
Making Cakes [Long]

One day, a boy and his father went to the zoo. They were having a lovely time, until they got to the gorilla enclosure. There, the boy sees two gorillas just giving it to each other. Being young, and not knowing what sex is, he decides to ask his dad, "Dad, what are those gorillas doing?" Heavily embarrassed, the father replies, "They are, um, making a cake, son."
A few days later, the boy is with his mother, while she is getting her hair done. In the salon, there is a raunchy soap opera playing, and a sex scene suddenly comes on the TV. The boy asks, "Mummy, what are they doing?", and point to the TV. The mother, embarrassed, says, "They, uh, they're making a cake, darling."
That night, the whole family is watching TV at their house, when another sex scene comes on. The boy says, "Look, Mummy! Look Dad! They're making a cake!" The parents, a bit drunk, simply agree, and send him to bed.
The next day, the son approaches the father and says, "Dad, you and Mummy made a cake on the couch last night, didn't you?" The father sheepishly replies, "Yeah, we did, son. How did you know?"
"Cause I licked the icing off the sofa this morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzxoq/making_cakes_long/
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What do you call a dog that can't hear?

Doesn't matter much, does it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzxha/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_cant_hear/
%
I was on a plane

And i saw my friend jack, so instinctively i shouted hi jack
Still dont understand why i was detained

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzwja/i_was_on_a_plane/
%
Old monk

There once was a very old monk that tended to break his bones when he fell down.  He always walked barefooted everywhere he went so his feet were more callouses than soft skin.  No one talked to him very long because his breath was so bad it could wilt flowers.  They called him Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-cursed-with-halitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzvvz/old_monk/
%
God judges Satan vs Jesus in computer programming war.

God tells Satan and Jesus they are supposed to create the perfect computer program.
Satan starts off strong and within the first fifteen minutes has the rough architecture of his program figured out and designed.
30 minutes in and Satan is cruising along. Satan is getting all the layers the way he wants them  and is getting ready to put the finishing touches on his program.
As Satan is polishing off his program at the 45 minute mark the power goes out.
Satan starts his computer up and he has lost everything.
Satan is furious but thinks to himself that it is ok because Jesus has lost power too and they will be in the same position.
Satan is hammering away with his claws trying frantically to get his program back to where it was but God calls time and asks Satan for his program.
God Judges Satans program and it performs absolutely terribly. Satan isn't concerned due to the fact that Jesus had the same issue.
God then asks for Jesus's program and uses it. Works flawlessly.
Satan is flabbergasted as to how Jesus could recover after the power outage and asks God how it was possible.
God looks at Satan and says...
Jesus saves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzv1c/god_judges_satan_vs_jesus_in_computer_programming/
%
I went to a street where the houses were numbered 8k, 16k, 32k, 64k, 128k, 256k and 512k.

It was a trip down memory lane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzuq7/i_went_to_a_street_where_the_houses_were_numbered/
%
Say what you want about paedophiles.

At least they drive slow in school zones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzuh2/say_what_you_want_about_paedophiles/
%
Beating your wife isn't a joke

It's a punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzs84/beating_your_wife_isnt_a_joke/
%
I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid.

He insists he can stop at anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzpd3/i_know_a_guy_who_is_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
%
I've been told that red wine compliments a steak.

But so far my glass hasn't said anything nice at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kznxw/ive_been_told_that_red_wine_compliments_a_steak/
%
What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.
(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzn4l/what_do_women_put_on_their_ears_to_look_more/
%
I beat my wife at dominoes last night...

She really needs to remember that **I** choose the toppings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzl9t/i_beat_my_wife_at_dominoes_last_night/
%
Why is a piano so hard to open?

The keys are on the inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzj20/why_is_a_piano_so_hard_to_open/
%
BMW tried to make an amphibious vehicle...

Mercedes and BMW started selling amphibious vehicles. Soon, however, BMW was forced to stop selling them, as their customer's kept getting the Benz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzetf/bmw_tried_to_make_an_amphibious_vehicle/
%
Did you know in UK they drive on the left?

That's not right!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kzec7/did_you_know_in_uk_they_drive_on_the_left/
%
Full of Wool

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kz893/full_of_wool/
%
Two Irishman walk out of a pub.

It could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kz842/two_irishman_walk_out_of_a_pub/
%
What did the tectonic plate say when it had a collision?

It's not my fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kz77o/what_did_the_tectonic_plate_say_when_it_had_a/
%
According to my neighbor's diary,

I have "boundary issues".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kz5wf/according_to_my_neighbors_diary/
%
My sister told me she's dating an Irish guy

I said, "Oh really?"
She replied, "No, O'Reilly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kz493/my_sister_told_me_shes_dating_an_irish_guy/
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It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means...

Jesus was a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kz3hl/it_seems_highly_unlikely_that_the_romans_would/
%
Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy.
If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kz3da/little_johnnys_father_asks_him_if_he_knows_about/
%
If I had a dollar for every maths exam I failed

I'd have about $6.50 right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kz3a8/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_maths_exam_i_failed/
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The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kz1om/the_man_who_invented_velcro_has_died/
%
Two Arabs boarded a flight from Washington to New York...

One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just before take-off a little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs.
He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”
“No problem,” said the Israeli, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it too.
The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our people…this hatred…this animosity…this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kz1ns/two_arabs_boarded_a_flight_from_washington_to_new/
%
So this cop was writing a parking ticket.

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I call him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
The I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kz1bo/so_this_cop_was_writing_a_parking_ticket/
%
I found a place where recycling rate is 98%

Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kz194/i_found_a_place_where_recycling_rate_is_98/
%
I gave my bus seat to a blind man this morning...

I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kyz9m/i_gave_my_bus_seat_to_a_blind_man_this_morning/
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A young boy enters a barber shop...

...and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kyyty/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
%
What do you call 6.022*10^23 butts?

Molasses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kyweq/what_do_you_call_60221023_butts/
%
I asked the bus driver

I asked my bus driver if she would let me and my brother, Jack, off at the next stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kywcm/i_asked_the_bus_driver/
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Dave made a bet with Einstein

They agreed that Dave will ask Einstein a question, if he didn't know the answer Einstein will give Dave 10,000$. Then Einstein will ask Dave a question, if he didn't know the answer Dave will give Einstein 5$.
Einistein started and gave Dave a really hard equation, Dave pulled out his wallet and gave Einistein 5$.
It was Dave's turn so he said "what wakes up with 2 legs and goes to sleep with 4 legs".
Einstein was so confused and kept thinking about the question, after an hour he gave up and gave Dave 10,000$.
Then Einstein said "but what wakes up with 2 legs and goes to sleep with 4 legs", so Dave pulled out his wallet and gave Einstein 5$.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kytql/dave_made_a_bet_with_einstein/
%
What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kysmc/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk/
%
Merlot.

Heard this one a while back, haven't seen it on Reddit yet so here it is. Long.
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said. "The gentleman seated over there....and indicated the sender with a nod of his head wants you to have this wine.
She stared at the wine cooly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, she decided to send a reply by note. The waiter who was standing nearby took the note to the gentleman.
The note read, " for me to accept this bottle of wine you'd have to have a Mercedes in  your garage,  a million dollars in your bank account and 7 inches in your pants".
After reading the note the man decided to send a reply.
It read,"just to let you know, I have a Farrari Maranello, a BMW Z8 an Audi 8L, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages". I have a beautiful villa in the Virgin Islands, a beautiful home in Miami and a winter home in Aspen and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. And over 20 million dollars in my bank account.
But not even for a beautiful woman as yourself would I cut off 2 inches.
Just send the wine back!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kyqoy/merlot/
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I went to the gym the other day...

...I asked the instructor could he teach me to do the splits.
How flexible are you? He asked.
I can't do Tuesdays.
-Tommy Cooper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kypzm/i_went_to_the_gym_the_other_day/
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LifeProTip: If your child wants to help name your pet...

..let them pick the middle name.  That way if they pick something silly, you can still refer to your pet by the normal name.  For example, my 4 year old's rabbit is now named
Peter "floppy-eared-princess" Smith
Similarly, my 15 year old's gecko is named
Freddy "Fuck-you-this-isn't-a-phase" Smith

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kypup/lifeprotip_if_your_child_wants_to_help_name_your/
%
What's long and green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kyma1/whats_long_and_green_and_smells_like_pork/
%
A guy was writing a script in which two characters were plotting against each other. Do you know the result?

Error: Characters can't be plotted in C++. Try with numbers please

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kyjrq/a_guy_was_writing_a_script_in_which_two/
%
Ironic is...

Ironic is getting pregnant on a pull-out couch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kyjhm/ironic_is/
%
What did the 0, say to the 8?

"Nice belt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kye6l/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
%
Why did the stoner put laxatives in the pot brownies?

For shits and giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kydx6/why_did_the_stoner_put_laxatives_in_the_pot/
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I went on an extreme camping trip last week...

It was in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kycie/i_went_on_an_extreme_camping_trip_last_week/
%
Today I pissed in my pants...

my teacher told me,"'urine' trouble"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kyb5g/today_i_pissed_in_my_pants/
%
I think my optometrist is in love with me.

Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ky92j/i_think_my_optometrist_is_in_love_with_me/
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Heaven

Obama, Hillary, and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?" He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".  God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.  Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"  Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."  God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.  Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?" Trump replies,  "I believe you're in my seat. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ky7nn/heaven/
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Why did the fork go to the party?

It wanted to have a good tine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ky2zq/why_did_the_fork_go_to_the_party/
%
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass.

The doctor described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ky0qm/a_man_was_hospitalized_with_6_plastic_horses_up/
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It's important to make her laugh

But not when you undress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ky024/its_important_to_make_her_laugh/
%
For sale: Thick layer of dust

As seen on TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ky00x/for_sale_thick_layer_of_dust/
%
What do you call a retired Marine in a Chevy sports car?

A Corps vet in a Corvette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxzyh/what_do_you_call_a_retired_marine_in_a_chevy/
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How long are conversations with yourself allowed to be before you are considered crazy?

I have been arguing about this all day long but I just cannot figure it out for myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxwrn/how_long_are_conversations_with_yourself_allowed/
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What do you call BATMAN when he skips church?

CHRISTIAN BALE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxwhc/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_skips_church/
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I'm starting a support group for people who think they are mortgages.

The most important thing is for them to realize that they are not a loan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxvxv/im_starting_a_support_group_for_people_who_think/
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Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?

Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxvwu/why_didnt_the_man_report_his_credit_card_stolen/
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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator.

It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxudl/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_alligator/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

So hot I fill them with creme in 3 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxs6o/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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An ugly, broke, single man stood in my way

So I moved the mirror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxrzg/an_ugly_broke_single_man_stood_in_my_way/
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I just got a job circumcising elephants.

The pay is terrible, but the tips are huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxnfe/i_just_got_a_job_circumcising_elephants/
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Buzzfeed in 10 years...

"Celebrity Deaths of 2016"
\#4,562 will shock you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxjx3/buzzfeed_in_10_years/
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Public speaking is the #1 fear of the average person. #2 is death.

This means that at a funeral, more people would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
-Jerry Seinfeld

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxjda/public_speaking_is_the_1_fear_of_the_average/
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I saw an Apple store get robbed.

I was an iWitness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kximg/i_saw_an_apple_store_get_robbed/
%
[NSFW] A guy is sentenced to prison, and on his first day in jail, he meets his new cellmate...

His new cellmate is a very large, mean-looking beast of a man, who immediately asks, "Do you want to be the husband or the wife?"
The new inmate thinks to himself, "Well, if I have to do this, I might as well be the husband in this relationship," after which he says to his intimidating cellmate, "I would like to be the husband."
The large cellmate smiles and replies, "Great! Now come over here and suck your wife's dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxg0u/nsfw_a_guy_is_sentenced_to_prison_and_on_his/
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I found a cucumber on the bathroom floor.

I looked at it, disgusted, and showed it to my wife.
I said, "Have you been masturbating with this?"
"No!" she gasped.
I said, "Then why is it covered in cobwebs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxfxp/i_found_a_cucumber_on_the_bathroom_floor/
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My wife is like a TV

Neither turns on when you slap your dick on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxewu/my_wife_is_like_a_tv/
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On which side do you drive?

American: Right-side.
Britisher: Left-side
Indian: Depends on which side the oncoming traffic is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxeey/on_which_side_do_you_drive/
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A black 6th grader goes to the swimming pool with his class

When he returned home, he asked his Mum:
"Hey mum, everybody was staring at my wee-wee in the communal shower. They said it's so big. Is it because I'm black?
"No Jamal, it's because you're 18"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxd29/a_black_6th_grader_goes_to_the_swimming_pool_with/
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Life is all about perspective

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxc19/life_is_all_about_perspective/
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Which doesn't belong: Meat, a Blow Job, Your Wife, An Egg

A blowjob, because you can't beat a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxb6k/which_doesnt_belong_meat_a_blow_job_your_wife_an/
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The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that
day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some
particular reason why she should go to heaven,
so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these.
They're the most perfect ones God ever created,
and I'm proud to own them.
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the
same question.
She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a
bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up,
and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that
all about? I show you two of God's own creations,
she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in
and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal
flush beats a pair any day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kxay7/the_queen_and_dolly_parton_die_on_the_same_day/
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12 Monks

Twelve monks were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kx9ld/12_monks/
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A man decides to become a monk...

One day, a man decides that he was going to join a monastery to become a monk.
When he walks in, the head of the monastery welcomes him warmly and tells him that if he were to join, he would have to spend 10 years of silence. The man agrees.
After 10 years the head monk goes to him and says "Brother, it has been 10 years since you have last spoken. What would you like to say?" The man responds with "The soup could do with a little less salt." The head monk nods in understanding and continues walking.
After another 10 years, the head monk asks the man the same question. This time he responds with "The bed sheets are a bit too thick for the summer months." The head monk again nods and walks away.
Finally after another 10 years the head monk walks up to the man and asks the same question.
This time the man says "You know, I've given it a lot of thought, and I think the monk life isn't for me."
The head monk looks down at the man and says "Thank god. You've done nothing but complain since you've been here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kx8r9/a_man_decides_to_become_a_monk/
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I told my girlfriend I was named after Thomas Jefferson.

She said, "Your name is Brian."
I said, "Right. But I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kx766/i_told_my_girlfriend_i_was_named_after_thomas/
%
My wife tried to sue me for impotence

But luckily they couldn't make it stand up in court

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kx4e7/my_wife_tried_to_sue_me_for_impotence/
%
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself.

Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kx3wa/i_realized_i_eat_too_much_fast_food_so_i_decided/
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What is the opposite of a seesaw?

A blind hammer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kx1bb/what_is_the_opposite_of_a_seesaw/
%
Winky

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
“Looking at your résumé, I can see that you’re more than qualified,” says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” says the man. “If I take two aspirin, I stop winking.”
“Then show me,” replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
“It’s great you stopped winking,” says the interviewer, “but we can’t have our salesmen womanizing all over the country.”
“What do you mean?” asks the man. “I’m happily married.”
“How do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer.
“Oh, that,” sighs the man. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kx0gl/winky/
%
A white girl is getting robbed...

The robber points his gun at her and tells her to count to ten.
"1...3...5...7...9" She says.
"Why did you skip all the even numbers!? " yells the robber.
"Because I can't even!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kx0d4/a_white_girl_is_getting_robbed/
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Knock Knock

Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
Yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwyvx/knock_knock/
%
A game develper goes to H*ll

A young game developer is killed before his time, and stands before Saint Peter.
"Because you died so young, we cannot properly judge you on your sins and virtues. Therefore, you will be allowed to choose between going to Heaven or Hell."
Before the developer can express his dismay, St. Peter sweeps his arm and says "Behold! A vision of Heaven!" The developer sees endless row upon row of old people sitting at tables contentedly playing Bingo, easy listening music playing in the background, the saved happily chatting, drinking fruit punch and eating sugar cookies.
Then St. Peter says, "And now, a vision of Hell!" The developer sees a grand baccannal, the dammed engaged in a mass orgy, ecstatically drinking whisky and stout, eating from huge platters of meat, smoking weed, snorting cocaine, while the finest rock, R&B, and pop musicians from ages past perform for the crowd. Seemingly any carnal pleasure to be had is available at the sinner's whim.
"Well, what shall it be?", asks Peter.
The dev sighs and shrugs, "Well, if those are my choices, I'll have to choose Hell!"
As soon as the words leave the dev's lips, the ground opens beneath his feet and he plunges into a lake of fire. As his skin burns off demons set upon him and begin to violate him in all manner thinkable and unthinkable.
The hole begins to close and the dev screams back to St. Peter "Wait!! What is this? What happened to the big party!?"
Peter shrugs. "Well, what did you expect to see in Hell's demo?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwy16/a_game_develper_goes_to_hll/
%
A blonde goes to work in tears.

Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwy0x/a_blonde_goes_to_work_in_tears/
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So what's the difference between a women's argument and a knife?

The knife has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwxqj/so_whats_the_difference_between_a_womens_argument/
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(ROGUE ONE SPOILER) So the nickname...

Throughout the movie, you see Galen calls Jyn his stardust, I thought it was pretty cute.
I just didn't expect it to be so literal though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwwz7/rogue_one_spoiler_so_the_nickname/
%
What do you call an alligator with a map?

A Navigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwwqz/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_with_a_map/
%
I had a boner during a funeral.

I call it the "Mourning Wood".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwvuk/i_had_a_boner_during_a_funeral/
%
How do you make a sports science major cry?

Remind them that high school is over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwuhl/how_do_you_make_a_sports_science_major_cry/
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If you can’t handle me at my worst...

Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwtei/if_you_cant_handle_me_at_my_worst/
%
What a bad year…

Still can't believe they changed the Instagram logo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwtcx/what_a_bad_year/
%
I started my new job as a bingo caller last night

and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kws9z/i_started_my_new_job_as_a_bingo_caller_last_night/
%
What's the difference between a toilet and a graveyard?

Nothing. When you have to go, you have to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwqlc/whats_the_difference_between_a_toilet_and_a/
%
I do really well on Jeopardy. I get all the answers, every one of them, almost instantly.

I do, however, have a lot of trouble coming up with the questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwogx/i_do_really_well_on_jeopardy_i_get_all_the/
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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him

, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman gurad is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwnce/jesus_christ_is_dying_on_the_cross_his_disciples/
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What do you call a mentally challenged Nazi?

Auschwitztic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwhuv/what_do_you_call_a_mentally_challenged_nazi/
%
"Dad, I want to be a feminist when I grow up."

Dad: "Well choose one honey, you can't do both".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwf4g/dad_i_want_to_be_a_feminist_when_i_grow_up/
%
A nun decides to dye her worn out clothes

A nun decided that it was much cheaper to just dye the colour back into her worn out clothes instead of buying new clothes. Every year, the nun would go to a nearby dye shop to dye her clothes and hang them to dry.
When she returned to the store for the 10th time, she dyed and hung  her clothes. When she came back to get her clothes, they were stiff and uncomfortable. She complained to the store manager and asked why that happened to her clothes.
The store manager replied: "Well madam, old habits dye hard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwd1d/a_nun_decides_to_dye_her_worn_out_clothes/
%
A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain..

She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt & show her thighs to enable the seller understand her... This went on for sometime. One day, she wanted to buy banana, so she took her husband to the shop..
Because her husband speaks Spanish very well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwbsh/a_german_girl_married_a_spanish_man_went_to_spain/
%
What are the two oldest animals on Earth?

The Zebra and the Panda. Because we see them in black and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kwajv/what_are_the_two_oldest_animals_on_earth/
%
My friend keeps saying "cheer up dude it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I'm sure he means well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kw7iy/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_dude_it_could_be/
%
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kw4v8/why_does_helen_keller_masturbate_with_one_hand/
%
What do you call a drug-addicted duck?

A quackhead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kw1nv/what_do_you_call_a_drugaddicted_duck/
%
At least it's insurance-covered, I hope

There was this case in a hospital's intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and always on Friday mornings, regardless of their medical conditions.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural. So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause.
Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. Some held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil.
As the time approached, their hearts began beating anxiously, and with every beat of the clock, everyone held their breath. Then Mrs. Greene, the part-time Friday cleaner, came into the room and unplugged the life support system so that she could use the vacuum cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kw1c5/at_least_its_insurancecovered_i_hope/
%
Some one gave me a broken knife 3 days ago.

I didn't get the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kw0r5/some_one_gave_me_a_broken_knife_3_days_ago/
%
Why does Sia live in a low-rent apartment?

She loves cheap bills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kvzi8/why_does_sia_live_in_a_lowrent_apartment/
%
A grandpa tells his teen grandson: "I will put 100 dollars under your pillow if you can find me a viagra pill right now". Ten minutes later grandson gives grandpa a viagra pill.

Next morning grandson looks under his pillow and finds 1,100 dollars. He goes to grandpa and says: "Grandpa what happened? Why did you give me 1,000 dollars more?" and grandpa says: "I only gave you 100 dollars. The rest is from your granny"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kvxx3/a_grandpa_tells_his_teen_grandson_i_will_put_100/
%
My wife cooked ribs last night.

I accidentally dropped one on the floor, but still picked it up and took a bite.
She yelled, "that's disgusting!"
I replied, "well, you're the one that cooked it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kvwze/my_wife_cooked_ribs_last_night/
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WHY DID THE PRISONER TYPE IN ALL UPPERCASE?

THEY WERE SENTENCED TO CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kvwvc/why_did_the_prisoner_type_in_all_uppercase/
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Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...

To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kvwlj/two_lesbians_named_rachel_walk_in_to_a_wedding/
%
What's the difference between an ISIS training camp and an elementary school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kvu0o/whats_the_difference_between_an_isis_training/
%
Failed math exam

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have **$6.30** now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kvtkm/failed_math_exam/
%
A gentleman carrying an infant was travelling from London to Bristol on a train...

A gentleman carrying an infant was travelling from London to Bristol on a train. Another gentleman entered the compartment, dumped his 2 huge suitcases, and sat beside the first.
As you know, Englishmen don't immediately speak to each other. So the first gentleman waited very politely for a while. Then he turned to the second passenger and said, "Looking at your suitcases, I presume you are a salesperson? I am also one."
The gentleman said, "Yes, I am a salesman."
Another genteel pause. Then the first passenger asked. "What do you sell?"
The other replied, "I sell helical gears." Another decorous silence. Then he asked the first gentleman, "And what do *you* sell?"
He said, "I sell condoms."
Shocked, the second gentleman said, "You sell condoms and you are taking your son with you on your business? Is that appropriate?"
"This is not my son," replied the first passenger. "It's a complaint from Bristol."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kvp2o/a_gentleman_carrying_an_infant_was_travelling/
%
What did one John say to the other John?

"What's the matter? You look flushed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kvm6f/what_did_one_john_say_to_the_other_john/
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How tell if your son is gay with 100 percent accuracy

Here's what you have to do. Go down to your local hardware store and pick up everything required to make a homemade 6th-grade-style science fair volcano. Classic paper mache volcano with viniger dyed red and baking soda.
Get some little trees for the base. They have to be Lego brand palm trees (this part is crucial). Build the whole thing with him from start to finish. Make it real nice and really put some time into it. It must look the part.
After finishing, set aside a day to set this bad boy off. Invite the whole family. They're gonna want to be there for this. Now, with everyone watching load up the baking soda in the bottom. Really pack that shit in there.
You want this big. It's time, make sure you have your son's full attention. He must not look away. When everyone is ready, dump the viniger in. BOOM. It's starts erupting, lava everywhere. The family is in awe. It's beautiful.
Lava is everywhere, all over the spectators and your walls. While Its Rushing down the base and overtaking the Lego trees look at your son.
If he's too busy sucking a dick; he's gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kvfds/how_tell_if_your_son_is_gay_with_100_percent/
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How does a dog celebrate his birthday?

With a Paw-ty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kvdr3/how_does_a_dog_celebrate_his_birthday/
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A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kvd97/a_drunk_staggers_out_of_a_bar_and_runs_right_into/
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Clearly Cheating

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.  Lorraine dies suddenly.  At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kvah4/clearly_cheating/
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An engineering student moved back into his parent's house after graduating

He spent a lot of his time hidden away in his room playing games and arguing with strangers on the internet. One day, he was having a particularly heated conversation on a forum about why Kilograms are a better unit of measurement than Pounds. Then his mother suddenly opened the door without knocking. Shocked, she let out a gasp and quickly turned away as he frantically closed all the tabs in his browser.
Maybe that seems like an overreaction. But what would you do if your mom walked in on you mass-debating?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kv2ns/an_engineering_student_moved_back_into_his/
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Yesterday my dad told me if he saw me on the computer latenight again...

He would smash my head into my keyHDJbdvxhjJDKLXUXBgshdjcmcnGxcNdnckcoNcbcjxndbcjcjkxndJdhhshdbdn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kv1bw/yesterday_my_dad_told_me_if_he_saw_me_on_the/
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2 blondes are taking a walk in a park...

One of them says: "Ouuh... look, a dead bird"
And the other looks up and asks: "Where?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kv18u/2_blondes_are_taking_a_walk_in_a_park/
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What is with 2016?

It's like everyone and their mothers are dying.
^^sorry ^^not ^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kuzqe/what_is_with_2016/
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A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.
It looked good.
It smelled good.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull he wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kuzpg/a_young_man_stopped_at_a_local_restaurant_after_a/
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I have sexdaily

*dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kuz6n/i_have_sexdaily/
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What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal?

Computer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kuy82/what_do_you_call_a_laptop_that_ejaculates_metal/
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An American, a Chinese, a Russian, a German and a Syrian passenger are on a train...

The American starts to toss legal documents out the train's window.
The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat?"
The American replies, "We have too much of these."
---
Then the Chinese begins throwing rice out the window.
The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat now?"
The Chinese replies, "We got lay too much of that lice."
---
The Russian then flicks dashcams and vodka out his window.
The German asks, "Vat's the matter vith those?"
The Russian replies, "They're too common where I'm from, comrade."
---
The German looks at the Syrian guy.
#The Syrian guy, nervous, exclaims, "Don't you fooking dare!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kuvrm/an_american_a_chinese_a_russian_a_german_and_a/
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What do you call a peeping Tom cat?

A Purrr-vert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kuvgi/what_do_you_call_a_peeping_tom_cat/
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Two goldfish are in a tank...

...one says to the other,
"Hey! How do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kuulm/two_goldfish_are_in_a_tank/
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What's the difference between a group of baboons and our political system?

I don't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kuujz/whats_the_difference_between_a_group_of_baboons/
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I made up a new word

plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kutsh/i_made_up_a_new_word/
%
[blond] A blond walks into an electronic's shop.

She points to the special offer (50% off!) and says "I want to buy that TV."
The cashier replies "I'm sorry, but we don't serve blonds here."
So, the blond goes home. The next day, she dyes her hair a fabulous brunette, and goes back into the same store, points at the same special, and says "I want that TV, please."
The cashier replies "I'm sorry, but we don't serve blonds here."
The blond goes home, just a little flustered. Next day, she dyes her hair red, making sure to get every single hair. Checks in the mirror, just in case, goes back into the same store, points at the same special, and says "I want to buy that TV, please."
The cashier responds "I'm sorry, we don't serve blonds here."
"Come the fuck on!" The blond shouts. "I've come in as a blond, and a brunette, and a redhead, and you've always said I'm a blond! How in the fuck did you know?"
"Well mamn", replies the cashier, "It's because that's not a TV, it's a microwave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kuqb9/blond_a_blond_walks_into_an_electronics_shop/
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IAmA dyslexic government computer programmer, AMA!

Whoops, wrong usb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kuq32/iama_dyslexic_government_computer_programmer_ama/
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Three logicians walk into a bar...

The bartender walks up to them and asks, "can I get you all a beer?"
The first logician thinks for a moment and replies, "I don't know."
The second logician also takes a moment before replying, "I don't know."
The third logician says "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kumkn/three_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking.
J.k, rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kum6m/what_is_harry_potters_favorite_way_to_get_down_a/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a pot full of money...

Then he asks :
- So, what's all that money about ?
The barman says :
- Well, you put $100 in there and take 3 tests. If you manage to complete all of them, you can have all the money inside the pot.
- What are the tests then ? The man says
-First of all you need to pay, that's the rules.
The man put his 100 bucks inside the pot, and asked the barman one more time.
- Ok. That's what you should do.
- First: You are going to drink a full bottle of this tequila, and you are not allowed to give out a single reaction.
- Second: There's a pitbull out there, he has a sore tooth and it seems like it's hurting him a lot. You need to extract the said tooth with your bare hands.
- Third : there's a 90 year old woman in the second floor, she never had an orgasm in her life. Your task is to make her hit it.
Without thinking too much, the man rapidly asked :
- Where's the tequila ?
The barman gave him the bottle, and at the same time, the man started to drink it fast enough so he wouldn't give out a single reaction.
Then, after getting up with some difficulty, looked at everyone in the bar, and with a brave look on his face, he ran through the door leading to the pitbull.
Everyone heard the dog's barks, the man's yells, and everything in between, until the pitbull let out a howl for 3 long minutes, followed by a huge silence.
Everyone assumed the guy was dead, but then, he enters the bar, with scratches all over his body and asks :
- Now Where's the grandma with the sore tooth ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kulex/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_pot_full_of/
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies,and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kujrb/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born_so/
%
3 guys are lost in the jungle, they are soon discovered by a tribe of cannibals and are taken back to their village...

...the chief gives them a task to avoid death. "Go into the jungle and pick 10 of the first fruit you find." The first man finds plums and brings back 10. The chief speaks, "You need to shove all 10 into your back exit without making a facial expression or you will be eaten alive." The man shoves one.....two and squinted. The tribe ate him alive.
The second guy comes back with blue berries and faces the same challenge. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9......the man begins to laugh uncontrollably and is eaten alive. He meets the first guy and heaven and is approached...."Why did you laugh!? You had one more blue berry to go!!!" The second guy replies...."because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!!" >.<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kuiov/3_guys_are_lost_in_the_jungle_they_are_soon/
%
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar

.After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kuh7f/a_very_shy_guy_goes_into_a_bar_and_sees_a/
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The lights at this chinese dumpling place were too bright

I had to ask them to Dim Sum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kuekv/the_lights_at_this_chinese_dumpling_place_were/
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You know your girlfriend is fat when...

When she fits into your wife's cloths.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kudi5/you_know_your_girlfriend_is_fat_when/
%
Tonight, I watched someone ruin over 20 years of sobriety. It was a shitshow.

But, in her defense, you only turn 21 once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kud7i/tonight_i_watched_someone_ruin_over_20_years_of/
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Why is it prestigious to wear a condom?

It's a members-only jacket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kuc3l/why_is_it_prestigious_to_wear_a_condom/
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A man walks into work with two black eyes.

His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ku98q/a_man_walks_into_work_with_two_black_eyes/
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Fishing and tampons...

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Kid says, "One."
Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
Kid says "$201,237.64.
Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ku57s/fishing_and_tampons/
%
I just ate four cans of alphabet soup...

...and just had the largest vowel movement ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ku12b/i_just_ate_four_cans_of_alphabet_soup/
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What do you call a little person who talks to dead people and runs from the law?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ku0ib/what_do_you_call_a_little_person_who_talks_to/
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Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ktzyn/havent_seen_the_new_star_wars_yet/
%
My son came home from school and I immediately asked him:

"Hey son, what has 4 legs but isn't alive?"
"Dad, you told me that one yesterday" he said, looking annoyed.  "It's a chair."
"Not this time son...the mailman ran over your dog today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ktxtz/my_son_came_home_from_school_and_i_immediately/
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Nothing beats a beautiful girl with a great singing voice!

Except Chris Brown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ktw53/nothing_beats_a_beautiful_girl_with_a_great/
%
A bashful Chinese couple gets married . . .

On their honeymoon, the husband asks, "So what do you want to do?"
The wife replies, "I think I want 69."
The husband is shocked.
"You want Beef and Broccoli now?!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ktqx6/a_bashful_chinese_couple_gets_married/
%
You know what a Walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They're both looking for a tight seal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ktq4n/you_know_what_a_walrus_and_tupperware_have_in/
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What's the difference between cancer and black men

Cancer got Jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ktps9/whats_the_difference_between_cancer_and_black_men/
%
Did you hear about that kid born with no eyelids?

They used his foreskin to surgically replace them.
He's a little cock eyed but alright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ktk4a/did_you_hear_about_that_kid_born_with_no_eyelids/
%
They say being a hostage is hard

But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ktjd3/they_say_being_a_hostage_is_hard/
%
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ktj29/what_kind_of_shoes_do_ninjas_wear/
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Jesus walks into a bar

The barman looks up and asks "We don't serve wine here"
Jesus looks at him quizzically and goes to look for a Spanish translator because he had just immigrated from Mexico and English was not his first language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ktau2/jesus_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did the French chef kill himself

Because he lost the huile d'olive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ktafp/why_did_the_french_chef_kill_himself/
%
Are you disappointed you didn't have a white Christmas?

Don't worry. I heard Inauguration Day will be plenty white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kt78c/are_you_disappointed_you_didnt_have_a_white/
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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kt762/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
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I'm a female who lives alone.

This sexist guy in a blue uniform thinks I can't handle myself. He comes to my house every morning, knocks on my door, and says "The male's here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kt6uv/im_a_female_who_lives_alone/
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What did the Romans say to the Carthaginians after the Punic War?

Bye Phoenicia!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kt6hx/what_did_the_romans_say_to_the_carthaginians/
%
Brussel sprouts are like anal sex.

If you were forced to have them against your will as a child, chances are you won't enjoy them as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kt5bk/brussel_sprouts_are_like_anal_sex/
%
A man walks into a library...

...The man walks up to the librarian and says "Can I have a burger and fries please." The librarian, confused, replies with "Sir, this is a library."
The man apologises, leans in closely and whispers "Can I have a burger and fries please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kt41d/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
%
A woman gets a nasty cut...

... it's very deep and there's blood everywhere so she calls the emergency services. "Hello I've cut myself can i please speak to a doctor?"                               "Hi I'm a doctor, may I ask what your name is?"
"Maggie Smith"
"And when where you born?" Asked the doctor.
"17th of April 1985" Maggie said.
"Where are you bleeding from?" Said the doctor.
"I'm from bleeding Glasgow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kt1m7/a_woman_gets_a_nasty_cut/
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My friend was dating a communist

He should have noticed earlier; there were a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kt0zt/my_friend_was_dating_a_communist/
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Oil

If:
Peanut oil is made from peanuts.
Olive oil is made from olives.
Corn oil is made from corn.
Then:
What is baby oil made from?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kszxw/oil/
%
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde

...flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me........Our Father who art in Heaven..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kszq9/this_is_the_story_of_the_poor_dizzy_blonde/
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Steve Irwin lived the same way he died...

With animals in his heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksyyp/steve_irwin_lived_the_same_way_he_died/
%
What did Vincent say when he lost his car in the parking lot?

Where did my van gogh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksw1p/what_did_vincent_say_when_he_lost_his_car_in_the/
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A newly assigned DEA officer is out to make a good impression.

He pulls up to a ranch in Oklahoma, and gets out to find the rancher. He says to the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.
The officer calmly replied, "Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.  I'll inspect anywhere I please!"
The rancher says, "Last feller to come through here looking for drugs said the same thing.  He didn't go out into that field though."
The officer snapped.  He reached into his rear pants pocket, removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's largest  bull.  With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge, show him your **badge**!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksw0k/a_newly_assigned_dea_officer_is_out_to_make_a/
%
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you
don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order
taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I
was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my
hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let
him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksvyn/a_woman_decided_to_have_a_face_lift_for_her/
%
Why are abortions fun?

They always bring out the kid in you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksukv/why_are_abortions_fun/
%
So a man from Chicago goes on vacation…

A man from Chicago goes on vacation to Florida for the winter, but his wife is on a business trip and will be meeting him in Florida the day after he gets there. The man gets to the hotel and decides to send his wife an email saying he got to the hotel safely. However, he can't remember his wife's email. He guesses and gets it wrong by one letter. He types and sends the email, and it is sent to an elderly woman whose husband died the day before. She reads it and collapses and her family rushes in and reads the email (and helps the woman to her feet). The email said:
"Dearest wife,
Just got checked in. Everything set for your arrival tomorrow.
From,
Your loving husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksuft/so_a_man_from_chicago_goes_on_vacation/
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I was searching for the end of the line.

I tap a guy on the shoulder and ask, "excuse me sir, are you the last person in line?"
Dude turns around, looks at me funny and goes, "no, you are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksu95/i_was_searching_for_the_end_of_the_line/
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My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl jerk him off in class.

That's three schools now. Maybe teaching isn't for him.
(Joke by Jimmy Carr)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksshq/my_son_got_kicked_out_of_school_for_letting_a/
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Jenny

1) I woke up.
2) Went to school.
3) I saw her.
4) I ran to her and hugged her.
5) I kissed her.
actually, the right order is 2,3,4,5,1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kssfy/jenny/
%
Smoking

The other day I was on my front porch smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of Scotch. My nosey neighbor came up and told me "That stuff is bad for you."
I let him know that my my grandpa lived to be 102.
He asked if I thought that was from drinking and smoking.
Told him "Nope, it was because he minded his own fucking business."
Now my neighbor won't talk to me any more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksrjh/smoking/
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Keep saying yellow and soon enough

It'll sound like you're saying gullible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksmbc/keep_saying_yellow_and_soon_enough/
%
Donald Trump has all the materials he needs to build that wall

When he was elected millions of Democrats shit a brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kslun/donald_trump_has_all_the_materials_he_needs_to/
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An anti-Semite walks into a bar and sits down.

He sees a man sitting at a table nearby wearing a Star of David and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch. The man looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back and tips his glass.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression. "Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!" He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew..."
The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says to the bartender, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"
"Oh no, sir, he owns the bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksl5z/an_antisemite_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_down/
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Did you hear about the duck with a drug problem?

he was a quackhead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksj0r/did_you_hear_about_the_duck_with_a_drug_problem/
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A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down, they decided to grow and sell their own flowers. Since they grew all their own produce, the monks were able to undercut Andrew at every turn and within 3 months, the monks had stolen nearly all his business. Afraid, running out of money, and growing desperate, Andrew hired local hard man Hugh McTaggart to go to the monks' stall under cover of darkness and destroy it. Then he was to go to their garden and use an herbicide on every bloom and blossom. That night, Hugh did his dark deeds. It proved effective. Devastated, the monks were unable to return to their previous domination of the market. Andrew's Flowers was, once again, supreme, proving once and for all that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksixp/a_man_called_andrew_moved_from_cork_to_dublin_to/
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It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and
pass in front of a very large gorilla, the
gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars,
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting
and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy
dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests
that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband
suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom,
and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets
even more excited, making noises that would wake
the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just
about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your
dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla
absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the
hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her
in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you
have a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksg9w/its_a_beautiful_warm_spring_day_and_a_man_and_his/
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Did you know that three out of four people...

make up 75% of the population?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksg5s/did_you_know_that_three_out_of_four_people/
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I've decided to start carrying a knife.

After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksdwe/ive_decided_to_start_carrying_a_knife/
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What do you call a punch that knocks out 6 teachers and 20 first graders?

A sandy hook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksdqm/what_do_you_call_a_punch_that_knocks_out_6/
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I've been waiting all year to post this

this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ksbce/ive_been_waiting_all_year_to_post_this/
%
Why wasn't Skrillex allowed on the fishing trip?

He keeps dropping the bass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ks9dg/why_wasnt_skrillex_allowed_on_the_fishing_trip/
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Two gay men are travelling...

...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ks61s/two_gay_men_are_travelling/
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I wanted to rearrange all the spices on my spice rack

But I couldn't find the thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ks5pl/i_wanted_to_rearrange_all_the_spices_on_my_spice/
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What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

An algorithm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ks56q/what_did_al_gore_play_on_his_guitar/
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My friend just found out that he is Gay and Dyslexic...

He is still in daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ks4vc/my_friend_just_found_out_that_he_is_gay_and/
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Five out of six people agree

Russian roulette is completely safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ks4nn/five_out_of_six_people_agree/
%
What to watch on TV tonight

A few days ago, I was watching George Michael videos. A couple of days ago, it was a Star Wars marathon. Tonight? The Apprentice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ks29b/what_to_watch_on_tv_tonight/
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A Taliban commander is walking through the mountains with his troops..

Everything is calm and then from behind hill comes a voice "one SAS solider is better than 10 of your men." Excited at the thought of taking out an SAS member, the commander sends 10 of his troops over the hill. After a short period of gun fighting, silence falls. And then again, from behind the hill come the words "One SAS solider is better than 50 of your men." So the commander considers then, before coming to the conclusion that surely one man cannot take on 50 of his best trained troops. So, over go 50 of his men. A long gunfight ensues, before once again, silence falls. Much to the commanders amazement the next thing he hears is "One SAS solider is better than 100 of your men." Now angered the commander sends 100 troops, thinking that that must be it, no man, SAS solider or not can take on 100 men. Again the gunfight breaks out. Hours later he spots on of his troops crawling back over the hill, retreating. The solider cries out "It's a trap! There's bloody two of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ks219/a_taliban_commander_is_walking_through_the/
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What do you call mixing hard liquor into coffee?

Getting ready for work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kryaj/what_do_you_call_mixing_hard_liquor_into_coffee/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5krxlh/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5krus3/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
Did you hear about the new Jewish car?

It stops on a dime and then picks it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5krmkm/did_you_hear_about_the_new_jewish_car/
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What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5krm35/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
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"I'm a light bulb"

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see."
She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5krlus/im_a_light_bulb/
%
I once met a woman who had 12 nipples

That's sounds good...
Dozen tit﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5krhqt/i_once_met_a_woman_who_had_12_nipples/
%
The kids next door just challenged me to a water fight.

So I'd thought I'd post this while I wait for the kettle to boil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5krfwq/the_kids_next_door_just_challenged_me_to_a_water/
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Why the different branches of the military can't work together:

The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5krele/why_the_different_branches_of_the_military_cant/
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What kind of a bagel flies?...

A "plane" bagel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kre1g/what_kind_of_a_bagel_flies/
%
Hey, did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon?

The place is great, but it has no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5krced/hey_did_you_hear_about_that_new_restaurant_on_the/
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What are the similarities between an Xbox and Michael Jackson.

They're both made of plastic, and little kids turn them on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5krbae/what_are_the_similarities_between_an_xbox_and/
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A man was walking down the street...

...when suddenly he stopped and looked up at the sky. Curious, another man stopped next to him and also looked up at the sky. Soon more people came along and all of them looked up at the sky. Finally, a little kid approached and said, “What are you all looking at?”
The first man replied, “I don't know about all of them. I just have a nosebleed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kr82g/a_man_was_walking_down_the_street/
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"Can you whistle Timmy?"

When Little Timmy tried it too,
He found, in pain and plight -
No matter what he thought to do,
He couldn't do it right.
He pursed his lips by dusk and day;
He breathed and blew, and soon -
He huffed and puffed in every way,
At morning, night, and noon!
'I'll have to try it twice as strong -
A last attempt!' he cried.
But Timmy held his breath too long.
And Timmy fucking died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kr6y3/can_you_whistle_timmy/
%
Why do the riot police like to go to Black Friday early?

So they can beat the crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kr6am/why_do_the_riot_police_like_to_go_to_black_friday/
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Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?

If they had 4 it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kr5wv/why_do_chicken_coops_only_have_2_doors/
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When do you know it is time for the cows to go to sleep?

When it is pasture bedtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kr4jl/when_do_you_know_it_is_time_for_the_cows_to_go_to/
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A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." NSFW

The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kr39c/a_redhead_tells_her_blonde_stepsister_i_slept/
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So a guy is going to pick up his girlfriend for the prom...

So a guy is going to pick up his girlfriend for the prom, but on the way there, there's a shit ton of traffic. After a while, he manages to get to his girlfriends house and pick her up, but there is a shit ton of traffic on the way there as well. They finally get to the school, but there is an extremely long line to get in. They do get in, but by then it's been half an hour. Nevertheless, they still decide to have a good time. They go to get their picture taken, but there's another long ass line, so they say "screw it, let's get punch." They go over there, and there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kr1bh/so_a_guy_is_going_to_pick_up_his_girlfriend_for/
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Who cares if you pee in the shower?

The bride and all her guests, apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kr0rg/who_cares_if_you_pee_in_the_shower/
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Teacher: if you have 10 cookies and someone takes away half, what would they have?

Dot : a broken hand.
(Came across this one from Animaniacs recently)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqxfv/teacher_if_you_have_10_cookies_and_someone_takes/
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A dog named Sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.
That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.
But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his  dog Sex?
It goes like this:
"One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up next Tuesday."
"But, that ain't the worst part....
One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.'
Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.'
He said he didn't care how she looked.
When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer."
"When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life."
"After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.
She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.'
I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.'
The clerk said, 'Me, too.' "
"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “ Me. too."
"Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life... . It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him.
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqt8w/a_dog_named_sex/
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Do you know what happened in the bathroom?

Me either, but I heard a lot of shit going down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqt67/do_you_know_what_happened_in_the_bathroom/
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What's the difference between a chick pea and potato?

I've never paid $50 to have a potato on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqr28/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and/
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How do you get a Catholic nun pregnant?

Dress her as a choirboy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqqnc/how_do_you_get_a_catholic_nun_pregnant/
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There are a few nuns that go to a priest for confessions. The priest goes to the first nun and says," Answer honestly, have you ever been in contact with a human penis?"

The 1st nun says," Once I accidently opened the
door when a guy was changing and saw his penis."
The priest says," That's fine, go and wash your
eyes in the holy water. Next!"
The 2nd nun says," Once I accidently touched a
guy's penis."
The priest says," Okay, just go and wash your
hands in the holy water. Next! Next."
No one shows up then he goes into the room with
the holy water and he sees two nuns fist
fighting. He says," Hey!! What's going on?"
One of the nuns says," I'm trying to gargle the
holy water before she puts her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqq30/there_are_a_few_nuns_that_go_to_a_priest_for/
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What's DJ Khaleds favourite number?

11 because it has another 1.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqp1u/whats_dj_khaleds_favourite_number/
%
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

A canoe tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqorc/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_canoe/
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My parents are really against my candlemaking habit.

One day, I came home, and saw that they had thrown away all of my parrafinalia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqoit/my_parents_are_really_against_my_candlemaking/
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A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

“Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?” the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
“Hello, Doctor,” says the arm. “Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate!”
“Aha!” says the doctor. “I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqo6q/a_man_went_to_visit_his_doctor_because_his_arm_is/
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Planck's constant walks into a bar...

Planck's constant walks into a bar and orders dessert.
The bartender is a little surprised by this, but happens to have a couple desserts on hand.
"I can't decide," says Planck's constant. "Whenever I walk into a bar I feel divided by two pies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqo0w/plancks_constant_walks_into_a_bar/
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Young couple codewords

The bashfull newlyweds decided to talk about "laundry" when one was interested in sex. A Year later, when the new was off, the Husband asked "do you want to help me do the laundry tonight?"
Wife: "No, I am too tired".
The next night: "I have a headache". Next
On the following night: "I just don't feel like it".
Finally wife says: "How about doing the Laundry tonight".
Hubby's reply: "No worries, Dear, it was just a small load and I did it by hand!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqo06/young_couple_codewords/
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What is the pinnacle of laziness?

Having a remote control for your remote control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqmnw/what_is_the_pinnacle_of_laziness/
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My therapist told me to I need to learn to love myself…

That would be settling, though- I can do better than that piece of crap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqm4n/my_therapist_told_me_to_i_need_to_learn_to_love/
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A friend of mine asked me, "what rhymes with orange?"

I said, "no, it doesn't".
*Credit to Jimmy Carr.*
**Edit:** ITT: door hinge, syringe, whore binge, Blorenge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqlpg/a_friend_of_mine_asked_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
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On a certain day, a bull and a pheasant were grazing on the field...

It once happened, on a certain day, a bull and a pheasant were grazing on the field. The bull was grazing on the grass, the pheasant was picking ticks off the bull.
Then the pheasant looked at a huge tree which was at the edge of the field, and very nostalgically said, "Alas, there was a time when I could fly to the top most branch of the tree, but today I do not have the strength even to fly to the first branch of the tree"
The bull very nonchalantly said, "That's no problem! Eat a little bit of my dung every day, you will see, within a fortnight's time you will reach the top of the tree."
The pheasant said, "Oh, come off it! How is that possible?"
The bull replied, "Really, please try and see. The whole humanity is on it, you could try, too."
Very hesitantly, the pheasant started pecking at the dung, and lo, on the very first day it reached the first branch of the tree. In a fortnight's time, it reached the topmost branch of the tree. It just went and sat on the topmost branch and just enjoyed the scenery. The old farmer saw a fat old pheasant on the top of the tree. He took out his shotgun and shot him off the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit can get you to the top, but never lets you stay there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqljg/on_a_certain_day_a_bull_and_a_pheasant_were/
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One evening, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to fetch some water...

One evening, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to fetch some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. Dropping the bucket, he ran back to the kitchen.
“Where’s the water?” she asked him. “And my bucket?”
“I can’t get any water from that water hole, Grandma,” Johnny exclaimed. “There’s a big old alligator down there!”
“Now don’t you mind that alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for years and he’s never hurt anyone. He’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!
“Well, Grandma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqjq6/one_evening_grandma_sent_her_grandson_johnny_down/
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Friendship between men and women...

Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqizx/friendship_between_men_and_women/
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An eldery couple goes to heaven together

When they arrive, they notice there are two pearly gates for men.
Above the first gate is a sign that says:
"Please come here if you wore the breeches in your relationship!"
And above the second gate is a sign that says:
"Please come here when your wife told you what to do!"
There is a huge queue at the second gate, so the husband walks over to the first gate. When he tries to enter, the bouncer asks:
"Are you sure this is the proper gate for you?"
"I have no idea, my wife told me I should come here..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqiii/an_eldery_couple_goes_to_heaven_together/
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I wasn't sure if I'd find deer out here, until...

I saw a sign that said 'Fine for Hunting.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqgz6/i_wasnt_sure_if_id_find_deer_out_here_until/
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Did you hear about the Kidnapping at school?

Its ok now he woke up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqgmw/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
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Well if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire ...

.....what do freedom fighters fight?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqga8/well_if_crime_fighters_fight_crime_and_fire/
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Three triplets in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."
The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."
The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."
The other two ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"
He replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqg72/three_triplets_in_the_womb_discuss_what_they/
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If vegetarians eat vegetables

What do humanitarians eat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqfl5/if_vegetarians_eat_vegetables/
%
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business

, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby..
The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said,
“Come on sweetie, eat it all up or
I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five  minutes later, the baby was still
not feeding, so she said,
“Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give
it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later,
the anxious man blurted out,
“Come on kid.
Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqekg/a_man_was_riding_a_bus_minding_his_own_business/
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I have a stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqdrj/i_have_a_stepladder/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road? (answers from various personalities)

**GEORGE W. BUSH**
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
**AL GORE**
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represents the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
**HANS BLIX**
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
**MOHAMMED ALDOURI** (Iraq's ambassador to the UN)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
**SADDAM HUSSEIN**
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.
**HELEN CLARK**
Unless the chicken had UN approval to cross, this is a blatant breach of international law.
**MARIAN HOBBS**
Chickens must get resource consent to cross roads. Officials from the Ministry for the Environment will investigate the activities of this chicken.
**DR. SEUSS**
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
**ERNEST HEMINGWAY**
To die. In the rain. Alone.
**MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.**
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
**JOHN LENNON**
Imagine - chickens crossing roads everywhere - in peace.
**FOX MULDER**
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
**BILL GATES**
I have just released e-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
**ALBERT EINSTEIN**
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
**BILL CLINTON**
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqdqf/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road_answers_from/
%
Chiropractors are really just lumbarjacks.

a dad joke toilet thought

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqcnl/chiropractors_are_really_just_lumbarjacks/
%
Politics are like a dick.

They keep on getting rammed down my throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kqbq8/politics_are_like_a_dick/
%
What's worse than locking your keys in your car at the abortion clinic?

When you have to go back in and ask for a coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kq85t/whats_worse_than_locking_your_keys_in_your_car_at/
%
How do astronomers organize a party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kq7xb/how_do_astronomers_organize_a_party/
%
A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner.

Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kq52e/a_group_of_jewish_women_are_eating_at_a_diner/
%
What's the difference between a bitch and a slut?

A slut will fuck everybody in the room
a bitch will fuck everybody in the room, except for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kq489/whats_the_difference_between_a_bitch_and_a_slut/
%
I accidentally dropped my phone from a 20-story building.

It's a good thing I had it on Flight Mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kq47y/i_accidentally_dropped_my_phone_from_a_20story/
%
How can I tell if my milk is still alright?

Ask it "Hey. Are you alright man?"
If it answers...
THROW THAT FUCKER AWAY IMMEDIATELY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpz59/how_can_i_tell_if_my_milk_is_still_alright/
%
My girlfriend reentered the room and looked at my computer screen.

"What the fuck is that?" she asked.
I said, "It's a woman masturbating."
"Why is this on your computer screen?"
"I thought you wanted to watch a chick flick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpz3p/my_girlfriend_reentered_the_room_and_looked_at_my/
%
What do you call a virus that affects your command-line?

A Terminal Illness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpxqu/what_do_you_call_a_virus_that_affects_your/
%
ISIS Awards Night

The 2016 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed.
Unfortunately Mohammed can't be with us tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpxg4/isis_awards_night/
%
Courtship

A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year. So he waits 14 agonizing years—accumulating all his words—before approaching his beloved.
Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat. He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, “My darling,
I have waited many years to say this: Will you marry me?”
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, “Pardon?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpwpa/courtship/
%
The Old Man and the Dog

One day, an old man was walking down the street when he saw a bunch of kids surrounding something in a circular formation.
The old man, who was now concerned about a fight he may need to break up, walked over and saw that the kids were rather surrounding a dog.
The old man asked, "What are you kids doing around the dog?"
One of the kids answered and said, "We're having a contest. Whoever can tell the best lie gets to take the dog home as a pet."
The old man smiled and said, "When I was a kid, I never lied."
There was a brief pause, and another kid in the group said, "Give him the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpwbg/the_old_man_and_the_dog/
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What do you want to be when you grow up?

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the
most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in
a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny’s whore."
I copied it , sorry. Thought I'd post here too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpuag/what_do_you_want_to_be_when_you_grow_up/
%
What do you call a horny Donald Trump?

President-Erect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kptco/what_do_you_call_a_horny_donald_trump/
%
Just had to cut ties with the girl I was dating after I found out we both wanted different things.

She wanted a relationship and I wanted a better looking girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpo5h/just_had_to_cut_ties_with_the_girl_i_was_dating/
%
A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpmhm/a_policeman_knocked_on_my_door_this_morning/
%
What does a sheepdog say when he sees something shady going down?

"Let's get the flock out of here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kply2/what_does_a_sheepdog_say_when_he_sees_something/
%
I was tickling my younger brothers feet last night, then my mother had a right go at me.

Something about waiting till he's born first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpj9o/i_was_tickling_my_younger_brothers_feet_last/
%
Today a man knocked on my door

And asked for a donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kph16/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door/
%
How does Albus get into Hogwarts?

Through the Dumble-door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpgoo/how_does_albus_get_into_hogwarts/
%
Crush: My parents aren't home

Me: Don't worry, they'll come back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpg44/crush_my_parents_arent_home/
%
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it

Smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc.
Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHYYYYYY!!??".
Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankles and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpfwq/woman_delivers_baby_doctor_takes_the_baby_and/
%
What's the difference

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys some antibiotics, pays $25.45, walks out. A second later, the pharmacist bolts out of the pharmacy, catches up with the man, and breathlessly says: "sir, there's been a mistake! Instead of the antibiotics, I gave you Cyanide. " The man asks: "and what's the difference?" The pharmacist says: "two dollars and ten cents".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpeuk/whats_the_difference/
%
Elderly couple

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.  Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kpeec/elderly_couple/
%
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kp8ty/a_brand_new_store_has_just_opened_in_new_york/
%
[Long] Since you guys liked the last one, here's another joke from my country

In a far away kingdom, the king got married to a beautiful wife. After being married to her for a year, the king started to worry that his beautiful wife might be sleeping around.
So he got a blacksmith to build a device to fit in her ladyparts which will dice anything that goes in. He managed to fit it inside of her ladyparts(don't ask how!) Without her noticing it.
The next day the king descided to take a sudden tour of the countryside and he decided to leave just 5 of his most loyal bodyguards and his court jester 'Anderee' to guard his wife in the castle.
The next day when the king retuned, he wanted to check his suspensions and ordered everyone who was in the castle with his wife to strip naked. To his suprise, all five of his bodyguards had their manhood mutelated, but Anderee didn't even have a single bruise on his man parts.
The king ordered all of his bodyguards to be executed and aproched Anderee.
"Anderee, i knew that you will stay loyal to me, for this, I'm going to give you a lot of gold and gems!"
Exited, Anderee said "tlank loo lour mathethi, i will thladly accepth youl gifth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kp8al/long_since_you_guys_liked_the_last_one_heres/
%
What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart?

Mind the GAAP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kp84r/what_did_the_american_accountant_say_to_his/
%
Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta away
We cannoli do so much,
His legacy will become a pizza history.
Here today gone tomato.
How sad he ran out of thyme,
Sending olive my prayers to the family.
His wife is really upset, Cheese still not over it.
You never saussage a tragic thing.
Because
some people just want to watch the world burn!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kp81m/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that_died/
%
Daddy calls home in the middle of a work day

"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Philip."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an uncle Philip."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
***Brief Pause***
"Uh, okay then honey, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about uncle Philip?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
"What...swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kp6ln/daddy_calls_home_in_the_middle_of_a_work_day/
%
"You are what you eat,"

said the cannibal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kp4up/you_are_what_you_eat/
%
An elderly man is sitting alone at a bar.

It starts to get late and the bar tender says
"Sorry pal, last call"
Upon hearing this, the man pays his bill and turns to look at the door. As he begins to stand up, he suddenly falls and lands face first.
"I must have had more than I thought." He thinks to himself.
Looking at the door he thinks "If I can just make it there, a bit of fresh air will have me good as new."
So the old man crawls to the door and props himself up, he takes a breath and as he begins to step, he again falls flat on his face.
Luckily, he only lived a block from the bar.
"If I can just make it home, I'll be just fine"
So the old man proceeds to crawl to his house. When he reaches the door, he again props himself up. As he is about to take a step, he once again falls flat on his face.
"This just isn't my night" thought the old man. "I'll just crawl to bed and call it quits."
So the old man crawls up the stairs and into his bed where he immediately passes out.
As morning comes, he is rudely awoken by his wife.
"You've been drinking again, haven't you?" She asked angrily.
"How'd you know?" He asks.
"Well' she answered 'you left your wheelchair at the pub again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kp4od/an_elderly_man_is_sitting_alone_at_a_bar/
%
Me and my wife are getting a divorce so we are splitting the house ...

She gets the inside. I get the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kp3lr/me_and_my_wife_are_getting_a_divorce_so_we_are/
%
An older man walks into a bar...

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kp2rp/an_older_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An american, a chinese, a german and turkish are in a train..

The american starts to throw away money out the window train.
The german asks "Why are you doing that?
The american replies "We got too much of it."
Then the chinese begins throwing rice out the window.
The german asks "Why are you doing that now?"
The chinese replies "We got lay too much of that lice."
The german looks at the turkish guy.
The turkish guy nervously replies back
"Don't you fucking dare."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kp2bb/an_american_a_chinese_a_german_and_turkish_are_in/
%
Congress gets kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kp1b2/congress_gets_kidnapped/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

"Aye matey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kp0d4/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5koz3q/as_a_german_i_have_to_ask_you_know_what_really/
%
Yo mamma so fat...

That when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kox2f/yo_mamma_so_fat/
%
An Aardvark walks into a bar

Bartender: Can I get you a beer?
Aardvark: Noooooooooooo
Bartender: Can I get you some wine?
Aardvark: Noooooooooooooo
Bartender: Well, how about a whiskey?
Aardvark: Nooooooooooooooooooooo
Bartender: What's with the long Nos?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kouxb/an_aardvark_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The interviewer said to me...

The interviewer said to me, "On your resume, it says you're a man of mystery."
"That's correct."
"Would you like to elaborate?"
(Long pause) "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5koutn/the_interviewer_said_to_me/
%
What's the difference between a robber and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5koulj/whats_the_difference_between_a_robber_and_a/
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Accident

A tourist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years, it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The tourist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here, is the check for $900," he said. "It's postdated six years from now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5koujf/accident/
%
Skipping School

Grandpa: "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!"
Boy: "No you go hide. I told her you were dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kotnx/skipping_school/
%
Where does a king keep his armies??

In his sleevies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kotak/where_does_a_king_keep_his_armies/
%
If ever I commit murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.

Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kot6v/if_ever_i_commit_murder_im_doing_it_with_indian/
%
So I was talking with a dentist...

...and I asked if he had any crazy stories from his years in practice.
"Yes, actually. One time I cut a man's arm off."
"What, how!?"
"I could trouble you with the details, but I really just did it acciDENTALly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5korh7/so_i_was_talking_with_a_dentist/
%
Three Drunks Get into a Taxi

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5koqg1/three_drunks_get_into_a_taxi/
%
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5koo4t/there_was_a_man_who_worked_for_the_post_office/
%
There are more Jews than Native Americans...

I guess genocide is just one more thing Americans are better at than Germans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kong0/there_are_more_jews_than_native_americans/
%
A girl told me to come over...

A girl told me, "Come over, nobody's home."
I went over, nobody was home.
(Rodney Dangerfield)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5komww/a_girl_told_me_to_come_over/
%
Right Answer

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”
“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5komfu/right_answer/
%
How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

13\. Number 9 will shock you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kol31/how_many_buzzfeed_writers_does_it_take_to_change/
%
I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year- old boy this morning...

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"
I said, "Who the fuck was that? Stop the car, son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5koj7q/i_forgot_to_put_the_seat_belt_on_my_fiveyear_old/
%
My uncle always believed that "Between duct tape and WD-40 you can fix just about anything."

I still can't believe it took seven years before he lost his medical license.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5koj5d/my_uncle_always_believed_that_between_duct_tape/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5koirl/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
What does a nearsighted gynecologist and puppy have in common?

A wet nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kohlr/what_does_a_nearsighted_gynecologist_and_puppy/
%
What's the best was to piss off an archaeologist ?

Hand him a used tampon and ask him which period it's from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kogtn/whats_the_best_was_to_piss_off_an_archaeologist/
%
A teacher was helping one of her pupils put on his boots...

He had asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?'
like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said," They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked,'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kognu/a_teacher_was_helping_one_of_her_pupils_put_on/
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What's Harry Potters favorite way of getting down a hill?

Walking!
(JK ROLLING)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kodyu/whats_harry_potters_favorite_way_of_getting_down/
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Super cheesy joke my dad told me over the holiday

Three ropes walk into a bar.
The first rope walks up to the bar and orders three drinks. The bartender gruffly says, "We don't serve your kind here!"
Walking back to his friends, the rope relays the news. The second rope says, "Let me give it a try."
Upon reaching the bar he's also quickly rebuffed by the bartender. "I already told your friend, we don't serve ropes here."
He returns to his friends, dejected.
Then the third rope begins tying himself up multiple times, finally fluffing up the end sticking out the top. He now confidently approaches the bar.
The bartender, slightly caught off guard, says "Hey aren't you one of those ropes?"
"Nope," he replies. "I'm a frayed knot."
(I did warn you on the front end that it was cheesy!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kob7b/super_cheesy_joke_my_dad_told_me_over_the_holiday/
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My professor asked me to give an example of a word whose definition got reversed.

I literally had no answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ko76z/my_professor_asked_me_to_give_an_example_of_a/
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I think my coworkers are gay

Every time I walk by, they mumble "what an ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ko5pl/i_think_my_coworkers_are_gay/
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My friend thinks he is smart.

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ko4kp/my_friend_thinks_he_is_smart/
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What if Stephen Hawking

Is the real Slim Shady but he can't stand up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ko4ag/what_if_stephen_hawking/
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ko3di/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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Superpoer

Friend: If you could only own one super power what would it be?
Me: USSR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ko1ig/superpoer/
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Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud

Yes sir, it's fresh ground!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ko1hm/excuse_me_waiter_this_coffee_tastes_like_mud/
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What starts with p and ends in orn

Popcorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ko0j7/what_starts_with_p_and_ends_in_orn/
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A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital, but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car and killed instantly.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why on earth didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God replied apologetically, "Sorry about that- I didn't recognize you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5knw1q/a_middleaged_woman_had_a_heart_attack_and_was/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

"Between you and me, something stinks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5knvln/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other_butt/
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When I am working, I get paid to be nice.

I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5knsp6/when_i_am_working_i_get_paid_to_be_nice/
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What did the throwing star say when I asked her if she could hit her target?

Of course, I'm shuriken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5knscx/what_did_the_throwing_star_say_when_i_asked_her/
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What do you call a Mexican with white privilege?

Legal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5knsb5/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_white_privilege/
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What do you want to be when you grow up? I wanna be a billionaire...

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5knrrm/what_do_you_want_to_be_when_you_grow_up_i_wanna/
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Guy walks into a bar...

Guy walks into a bar and the bartender tells him he sells apples that taste like any drink he wants wants....
He decides to order an apple that taste like Gin and Tonic.... he takes a bite and he tastes Gin, bartender tells him to turn it around and try the other side, he does and it tastes like Tonic....
So he decides to order another... asks for one that tastes like a rum and coke....takes a bite, and he tastes rum, bartender tells him to turn it around, he tastes coke on the other side.....
So he decides to be a smart-ass and tells the bartender he wants an apple that tastes like PUSSY.... to his surprise the bartender hands him an apple..... he takes a bite and says "THIS APPLE TASTE LIKE SHIT!!!"  Bartender says "TURN IT AROUND"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5knr9b/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Kid walks in on his grandpa smoking a cigar.

Kid says "grandpa, can I have a cigar too?"
Grandpa asks "can your dick touch your asshole?
Kid says no so grandpa says "sorry, you're not old enough."
Week later kid sees grandpa drinking a beer and asks "can I drink a beer with you?
Grandpa replies "can your dick touch your asshole? Again the kid isn't old enough so grandpa says "sorry".
About a week goes by and this time grandpa sees the kid eating some gummy worms and says "hey boy, can I have some of those?
Kid looks up from his show and says" idk grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?"
Grandpa replies excitedly with "of course"  thinking he will get some gummy worms.
The kid responds with "then go fuck yourself, these are mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5knqnw/kid_walks_in_on_his_grandpa_smoking_a_cigar/
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After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire.

Taking the box of foreskins he has collected over the years of doing circumcisions, he goes to a leather goods manufacturer and says to the man, "Can you do anything with these?"
The man says, "No problem, come back in two weeks."
After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with a wallet. In total dismay, he says to the craftsman, "After sixty years, the best you can do is a wallet?"
The man replies, "Don't worry, just rub it a few times and it will grow into a suitcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5knngj/after_sixty_years_a_rabbi_decides_to_retire/
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What do you call a bear without teeth?

A gummy bear.
I know it's bad, but everyone deserves a good arsenal of dad jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5knmh8/what_do_you_call_a_bear_without_teeth/
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Took a girl with severe OCD to subway..

and bought her a footlong sandwich. With cat like reflexes and a crazed look in her eyes she quickly slammed the sandwich on the table and whipped out a tape measure from her purse.
"I need to see if this is actually one foot long!" she giggled like a nervous school girl.
She pulled the tape measure along the length of the sandwich and disappointly saw that it was only 10 inches long. Shaking with fury, she glared across the room and yelled at me:
"Where the hell is the rest of my sandwich??"
Desperate to not ruin things with her, I decided to use my wit and play things cool. I leaned across the table and pressed my lips against her ear.
"Don't worry babes, you'll be getting the other two inches later tonight", I whispered softly to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5knjzc/took_a_girl_with_severe_ocd_to_subway/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kninw/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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My father grounded me...

He said if he ever saw me in front of the computer he'd smash my face in the keybouvuvwevwevwe Onyetenyevwe Ugwemubwem Ossass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5knf65/my_father_grounded_me/
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3 explorers are ambushed by cannibals...

Fighting valiantly the explorers held their ground longer than expected. Unfortunately they were outnumbered by the cannibalistic tribesman 5 to 1. They were eventually forced to surrender.
Defeated, the explorers were bound together and gagged by the tribesman, who carried off the three men to be taken as tribute to their chief.
The men were displayed before the chief for all the village to see. Having heard of the explorers' difficult capture the chief sat in thought for a few moments. Finally he stood and addressed his captives.
"My tribesman tell me you three killed many warriors before they were able to capture you and bring you before me." The chief said in conveniently perfect English. "To honor their sacrifice I have decided that, after we kill you, we will use your skins to make a ceremonial canoe in their memory."
The village cheered.
"However," the chief continued "I am a just and honorable chief. Because you fought so bravely I will allow you to choose the way you die."
With a wave of his hand the chief commanded the first explorer be untied and set before him.
"How do you wish to die?" The chief asks.
This explorer was a Frenchman so he said, "Give me a knife."
The chief complied.
The Frenchman shouts out, "Vive la France!" And slits his throat.
The chief gestures to the next explorer.
This man was a Spaniard and by no means was going to be out patrioted by a Frenchman. "Give me a knife!" He demanded.
The chief complied.
With all the gusto he could manage the Spaniard shouts out, "Long live the king of Spain!" And he too slits his throat.
Satisfied the chief gestures that the final explorer be brought to him.
"And how do you wish to die?" The chief asked.
This man was an Englishman. He sat for a minute pondering when suddenly he says, "Give me a fork."
The chief gave him a puzzled look but conveniently these cannibals both speak English and eat with forks, so the chief complied and gave him a fork.
The Englishman cracks a smile and holds the fork up in the air. Suddenly he plunges it into his chest over and over again until his entire torso was riddled with tiny holds. Having done the job the Englishman slouches down and with his last dying breath says... "Fuck your canoe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kneu0/3_explorers_are_ambushed_by_cannibals/
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Shower sex in Detroit

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5knec3/shower_sex_in_detroit/
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Why did the fish monger cross the road?

Just for the halibut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kncy9/why_did_the_fish_monger_cross_the_road/
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Need a new emoticon?

Why not (V)(;,,;)(V) ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kn921/need_a_new_emoticon/
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A guy walks into a bar (I know original, right?)

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot. He notices a jar on the bar full of 20 dollar bills and asks the bartender what's up with it. The bartender tells him put a 20 in and he'll give him three tasks, upon completion he'd receive the jar of money. The guy thinks this to be obsurd and decides to keep drinking after a few more shots he can't take it anymore and puts a 20 in the jar. The bartender gives him his three tasks.
1. Chug an entire bottle of liquor  (his choice)
2. There's a pit bull out back that needs a tooth pulled, pull it.
3. There's an elderly woman upstairs that hasn't had an orgasm in a very long time, make her feel like a woman again.
The guy, pretty drunk at this point, goes for the choice of liquor. Picks his favorite whiskey and downs it. He heads out back to the pit bull. There's a lot of barking and screaming and about 15-20 minutes later he comes back and yells to the bartender..."ok, where's the old lady with the absess tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kn7tz/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_i_know_original_right/
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I didn't believe my wife when she told me she was going to divorce me if I didn't stop quoting the Monkees...

And then I saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kn5r7/i_didnt_believe_my_wife_when_she_told_me_she_was/
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Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kn5fv/girl_come_over/
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A Frenchman, A German and An Englishman are caught smuggling booze in Saudi Arabia!

They are all ordered to be whipped and will receive 30 whips each,
they ask the Frenchman what he would like on his back while he is whipped and he replies " A cushion" . After about 15 whips the cushion comes apart and the Frenchman is left screaming with a red back.
Then they as the German what he wants on his back, he replies " Nothing !" he takes all 30 whips and does not make a sound.
Next they ask the Englishman what he wants on his back, the Englishman smiles and says " The German! ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kn4ew/a_frenchman_a_german_and_an_englishman_are_caught/
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Carrie Fisher dead at 60.

Her last words were "aren't you a little short for a grim reaper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kn1w2/carrie_fisher_dead_at_60/
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95% of the world is retarded

I'm glad I am the 10%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kn1v5/95_of_the_world_is_retarded/
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Cremation

My last chance at a smoking hot body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kn0yi/cremation/
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After a really awesome sexperience with my girlfriend, she turned to me.

"Honey, I used to be a Christian."
I thought about this and said, "I'm not worried about it. I love you just the way you are."
"Good! I like being a Christine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kmwam/after_a_really_awesome_sexperience_with_my/
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TIL DNA was supposed to be a line

But things spiraled of control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kmo90/til_dna_was_supposed_to_be_a_line/
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Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.
"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."
"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.
"Applied psychology."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kmma0/johnny_paid_his_way_through_college_by_waitering/
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Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency?

So the men can think of a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kmlib/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_an/
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A doe came running out of the forest:

"That's the last time I do that for two bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kmkdt/a_doe_came_running_out_of_the_forest/
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I don't really like coffee

It's just not my cup of tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kmf1t/i_dont_really_like_coffee/
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My friend has been struck off the medical register

After many years of training and hard work to get to where he was, working two shitty jobs in order to pay the bills to get through school, he'd only been in the profession what, a year? And he's paid for it all with one minor indiscretion: He slept with one of his patients. He swears he knew it was the wrong thing to do but just couldn't help himself. The guy's thought with his dick, not his brain, and unfortunately it's the end of the road for him. My heart goes out to a bright, funny, super-talented guy, and a brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kme42/my_friend_has_been_struck_off_the_medical_register/
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Dad I've got something to tell you..

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kmc8q/dad_ive_got_something_to_tell_you/
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Einstein and driver

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the big guys in science. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him :
"I'm sick of all this conferences, I always say the same things over and over !"
The drivers agrees, " You're right, as your driver I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference at your place."
"That's a great idea ! " says Eistein," lets switch places then !"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein go on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupt the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kmact/einstein_and_driver/
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Hopefully George Michael was an organ donor...

... so on his last Christmas he gave someone his heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5km9bx/hopefully_george_michael_was_an_organ_donor/
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What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I have never paid $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5km8tw/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5km8ii/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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A man goes into a bar with a monkey....

A man goes into a bar with a monkey. The man sits down and order a beer, immediately the monkey starts going wild, the monkey runs on the bar table, runs around the room, then finally jumps on the pool table, picks up the cue ball and eats it.
The bar tender says "Did you see what your monkey just did?!" "You're going to have to pay for that"
The man apologizes, pays for the cue ball and the drink and leaves.
2 weeks later the man and the monkey returns. The man sits down and orders another drink, immediately the monkey starts going wild again, it runs around the floor, jumps up on the pool table, then jumps on the bar counter. The monkey picks up a maraschino cherry, sticks it up his butt, then proceeds to eat the cherry.
The bartenders says, "Did you see what your monkey just did? That's disgusting"
The man says "Yeah, ever since he ate that cue-ball he's been checking everything for size"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5km838/a_man_goes_into_a_bar_with_a_monkey/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Don't be silly, glass ceilings don't have lightbulbs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5km81j/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Did you hear the UN has started a program of forgiving the crimes of former soviets who have died?

Yeah, it's called the red dead redemption.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5km5ty/did_you_hear_the_un_has_started_a_program_of/
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Do you know why God made Adam and Eve white?

Ever try taking a rib from a black guy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5km5te/do_you_know_why_god_made_adam_and_eve_white/
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Why do gay guys dress so well?

They spent a lot of time in the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5km2p9/why_do_gay_guys_dress_so_well/
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Who has a higher recycling rate than a recycling plant?

r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5km28u/who_has_a_higher_recycling_rate_than_a_recycling/
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A woman searches for something in the living room.

After an hour, worried, she asks her husband:
- Have you seen my book?
- Which one?
- How to live to become 100 years old.
- Ah yes. Yesterday, i threw it away.
- But why?
- Your mother started reading it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5km20z/a_woman_searches_for_something_in_the_living_room/
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The past, present, and future walk into a bar

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5km1hz/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
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Man starts work at a store that sells practically anything... (long)

... and the manager tells him that at the end of his first day he'll come down and see how he got on. The guys first day ends and the manager does indeed come down and proceeds to ask the man how many sales he made.
"Only one".
The manager's furious. You only made one sale? The rest of my staff make many more than that. Well, how much was it for?
The guy replies "$499,565".
The manager is shocked. You mean you made all that from one sale? What on earth did you sell?
The guy then proceeds to explain how a gentleman came in to buy a small fishing hook so he sold him one. Then he sold him a medium one then a large one. He then asked him where he was fishing and he replied down at the lake so he took him to the boats and sold him a small rowing boat. The chap then exclaimed that he didn't think his car was big enough to tow the boat so he sold him a 4x4 as well.
The manager is stunned. You mean to tell me he came in to buy a small fishing hook and you sold him a boat and a car?
"No" the man replies. "He came in to buy tampons for his wife so I said your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5klogi/man_starts_work_at_a_store_that_sells_practically/
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Wife comes home late at night.

Susan had been away on business all week, but was able to come home a day early due to catching a red-eye flight. When she gets in, she tiptoes up to the bedroom, being as quiet as possible to not wake her husband.
Then, she notices something odd. Where there should only be one set of legs, there are two. She flings open the closet and grabs the bat. After several good thwacks she drops the bat and runs downstairs, aghast at what she may have done.
Once she makes it to the kitchen, she spots her husband. "Hey honey. You're home early. Hope you don't mind, but my parents' heater went out and I gave them our bed for the night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5klknd/wife_comes_home_late_at_night/
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My wife is angry because I brought home a B.L.T. instead of a roast beef sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5klh7v/my_wife_is_angry_because_i_brought_home_a_blt/
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I saw an infant in the intensive care unit at the hospital...

... quietly playing with a toy donkey.
I couldn't help but think:
"ICU baby, shakin' that ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kleuc/i_saw_an_infant_in_the_intensive_care_unit_at_the/
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A big tomcat was napping on his owner's back porch

When he hears a commotion from next door. A new family was moving in, and with them was the most gorgeous little cat he had ever laid eyes on. Only one thing stood in his way, a barbed wire fence separating the properties.
Over the next few weeks, the family settles in and the tom continues to watch the new cat from afar, growing more and more in love. Finally he spies her on the neighbor's porch and builds up his courage to jump the fence. He squats back, wiggles his furry butt, and soars through the air to land on the other side. Startled, the lady cat jumps up and says, "Oh! You must be the tomcat from next door"
The tom replies, "Well, I used to be. That fence was taller than I thought..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kldki/a_big_tomcat_was_napping_on_his_owners_back_porch/
%
Why does Donald Trump take Zanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5klct8/why_does_donald_trump_take_zanax/
%
What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?

Casio royale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5klab4/what_do_you_call_a_james_bond_film_about_a/
%
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables?

In an American nursing home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kl761/where_can_you_find_some_of_the_worlds_largest/
%
These days you can't even say ''black paint'' anymore

You have to politely ask, "Tyrone, will you please paint the wall?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kl0j5/these_days_you_cant_even_say_black_paint_anymore/
%
What's the difference between bullets and everyone?

Everyone misses Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kkzjy/whats_the_difference_between_bullets_and_everyone/
%
I lost my watch at a party

I was looking around and saw some guy standing on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked right up to him and punched him in the face.
Nobody does that to a girl. Not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kkx40/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party/
%
A Truck Driver Sees a Priest on the Side of the Road.

A truck driver sees a priest on the side of the road hitchhiking.  Being a very religious man he decides the right thing to do is is to stop and give the priest a ride.  So, he pulls over and asks the priest if he would like a ride.  The priest responds thank you Son I would love a ride and hops in.  As they drive along they get to talking.  The truck driver has been having a hard time and decided that now would be a good time to let some stress off of his chest.  He talks about how he is going through a divorce.  How his wife had been cheating on him with a lawyer who ended up defending her in court.  How she had won the court case and had taken his kids from him.  This goes on for awhile and he can feel himself feeling a bit better, but just as he is about to end his story he sees a lawyer on the side of the road.  With his nice shiny shoes and expensive brief case.  The truck driver in the midst of his story can't contain himself.  He sees the lawyer and goes into a rage and swerves towards the lawyer.  Right before he hits the lawyer he thinks to himself he can't do this he has a priest in his truck.  He would surely go to hell!  So, at the last second he tries to swerve out of the way.  Upon his attempt to swerve out of the way he hears a thump.  In a panic the truck driver looks at the priest and says I'm sorry father I don't know what came over me.  I just lost myself in that moment.  The priest looks at him and says it's alright son I got him with the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kku90/a_truck_driver_sees_a_priest_on_the_side_of_the/
%
An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

... her mom says "A WHAT"?!!
The daughter says "a prostitute".
Then the mom says "Thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kkqeq/an_irish_girl_tells_her_mom_she_decided_to_be_a/
%
I put a picture of myself in a locket.

You could say I'm... independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kkoe6/i_put_a_picture_of_myself_in_a_locket/
%
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? Well, she was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kknab/my_girlfriend_and_i_had_been_dating_for_over_a/
%
My doctor asked for urine, stool, and semen samples.

I handed him my underwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kkn5i/my_doctor_asked_for_urine_stool_and_semen_samples/
%
I forgot my joke about a lollipop...

I swear it was on the tip of my tongue!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kkmss/i_forgot_my_joke_about_a_lollipop/
%
Will You Still Love Me?

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kkkad/will_you_still_love_me/
%
I'm a psychiatrist studying the relationship between humans and dogs in beastiality

You can find me in my lab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kk8t6/im_a_psychiatrist_studying_the_relationship/
%
A Duck walks into a bar

He goes up to the bar and the barman asks what he's having.
Duck: "you got any bread?"
Barman: "no, we only serve drinks"
Duck: "Oh, have you got any bread?"
Barman: " I just said, no"
Duck: "OK, have you got any bread?"
Barman: "Look, if you ask for bread again I'll nail your beak to the fucking bar"
Duck: "Oh OK. Have you got any nails?"
Barman: "No?"
Duck: " Good. You got any bread?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kk8ic/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all work on a building site...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all work on a building site. The lunch bell goes and they all go and sit upon the scoffolding and have their lunch.
The Englishman opens his lunchbox and says, "Ergh, a ham sandwich! If I get this again I'm going to kill myself."
The Irishman opens his lunchbox and says, "Ergh, a cheese sandwich! If I get this again I'm going to kill myself."
The Scotsman opens his lunchbox and says, "Ergh, a Scotch Egg! If I get this again I'm going to kill myself."
The next days rolls round and the lunch bell rings again and all three men sit upon the scaffolding and have their lunch.
The Englishman opens his lunchbox and finds a ham sandwich. He gets up, jumps off the scoffolding and kills himself.
The Irishman opens his lunchbox and finds a cheese sandwich. He gets up, jumps off the scaffolding and kills himself.
The Scotsman opens his lunchbox and finds a Scotch Egg. He gets up, jumps off the scoffolding and kills himself.
Three weeks pass and the men's wives are all talking to each other at the joint funeral.
The Englishman's wife says, "I can't believe he's gone!"
The Irishman's wife says, "I know, all he had to do was ask and I would've changed his lunch!"
Then the Scotsman's wife says, "I don't know why he did it, he packed his own lunch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kk88k/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_all_work/
%
I'm socially constipated...

I haven't given a shit in years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kk7t1/im_socially_constipated/
%
What do a Harvard lawyer and a Yale lawyer have in common?

They both got accepted to Yale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kk6yg/what_do_a_harvard_lawyer_and_a_yale_lawyer_have/
%
I held the door open for a clown.

It was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kk6tp/i_held_the_door_open_for_a_clown/
%
My optometrist likes to make eye puns

they keep getting cornea and cornea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kk6tl/my_optometrist_likes_to_make_eye_puns/
%
A criminal burgles into a dormitory...

He yells at one of the students:
"I'm looking for money!"
The student calmly replies:
"What a coincidence, I am too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kk4gr/a_criminal_burgles_into_a_dormitory/
%
It takes a lot of balls

to play golf the way I do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kk4an/it_takes_a_lot_of_balls/
%
How do you get a Mormon to not drink all of your beer on a fishing trip?

Bring two Mormons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kk38c/how_do_you_get_a_mormon_to_not_drink_all_of_your/
%
So Boxing Day, its a magical time of year,

when companies send you amazing emails with pictures of all the stuff you just brought from them, at half price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kk26g/so_boxing_day_its_a_magical_time_of_year/
%
What do you call a black man selling drugs?

A pharmacist, you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kk12s/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_selling_drugs/
%
An old man walks past a prostitute...

and she says:
"Hey old timer, care to try if you still can?"
The man replies:
"No honey, I can't."
The prostitute says:
"We could always try!"
The man agrees goes with her and fucks like a 20 year old.
"Jeez," says the prostitute "you said you couldn't!"
The man replies:
"Yes, I can still fuck, but I can't pay!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kk0bv/an_old_man_walks_past_a_prostitute/
%
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjyxm/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
What are the similarities between hiring a prostitute and bungee jumping?

It's both expensive, short and when the rubber snaps you're fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjxpl/what_are_the_similarities_between_hiring_a/
%
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat??

When she starts fitting in your wife's clothes!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjx35/how_do_you_know_if_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
%
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...
The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjw9s/an_afghan_an_albanian_an_algerian_an_american_an/
%
I took an IQ test.

The results were negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjvn3/i_took_an_iq_test/
%
My girlfriend asked if I was Happy

to be fair, she always gets us dwarves confused

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjvbf/my_girlfriend_asked_if_i_was_happy/
%
Off in the English countryside, back behind the church, there lay a secluded stretch of river, set amidst the willows, which was reserved for clergymen who wished to bathe in the nude.

Prominent signs warned against trespassing, and barriers prevented boats and punts containing females from approaching this discreet section of the river.
One fateful Sunday afternoon, as the holy men laid on the bank, the river rose up. It washed away the signs and weakened the barriers, and into the clergymen's watery enclave the waves swept a boat brimming with some of the region's most respectable women.
Shrieks ensued from the shore, as the clergymen seized their towels and frantically clutched them to their private parts. All except for one--Father McAllister--who instead threw his towel over his head. The rest of the men were baffled. After the ladies' vessel departed, they asked their clerical colleague to explain his peculiar reaction.
Father McAllister replied: "I don't know about you chaps, but in this town I am generally known by my face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjvax/off_in_the_english_countryside_back_behind_the/
%
William Shakespeare, Herman Melville, and a Redditor all meet up in heaven one day

Eventually, the conversation turns to the impact their literature had on the world.
Herman Melville starts boasting. He says “I wrote 15 books, and my book “Moby Dick” is still studied in schools and famous to this day”.
William Shakespeare interjects: “That’s nothing! Why, I wrote 192 works in total, and most of my plays are still studied in schools across the world. “
The two of them look pityingly at the Redditor, but to their surprise he has a big smile on his face.
“That’s nothing guys!  I wrote one good joke 5 years ago, and it’s been reposted at least 4 times this week alone!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjsfo/william_shakespeare_herman_melville_and_a/
%
Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)
Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left breast. The Royals (my team) fan takes off his hat and covers her right breast. The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive. The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book. He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, "What was that? Haven't you seen one of those before?" The detective replies, "You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I see an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjrr3/three_sports_fans_leave_a_bar/
%
Son - I'm late for work, can you call me a cab?

Dad - I don't know how that helps but
You're a cab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjpy9/son_im_late_for_work_can_you_call_me_a_cab/
%
Doctor's appointment.

Janet: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
Adam: Just call in sick then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjlze/doctors_appointment/
%
A man on his death bed:

"Honey, are you here?"
"Yes darling"
"Ana, are you here?"
"I'm here daddy"
"John, are you here too?"
"Of course daddy"
"Then who's in the fucking shop??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjlya/a_man_on_his_death_bed/
%
I was at the atm and an old lady asked me to help check her balance

... So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjlc6/i_was_at_the_atm_and_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_help/
%
Why Did The Blind Student Get an F On His Paper?

He didn't sight sources.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjlc2/why_did_the_blind_student_get_an_f_on_his_paper/
%
A pessimist, an optimist and a realist talk about what they see...

The pessimist says: "I see a dark tunnel."
The optimist says: "I see light at the end of the tunnel."
The realist says: "I think I see a train!"
The train driver screams: "Three morons on the rails!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjkuh/a_pessimist_an_optimist_and_a_realist_talk_about/
%
Best Place to hide..

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjk3b/best_place_to_hide/
%
I, for one...

like Roman numerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjjg4/i_for_one/
%
My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table.

So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kji4u/my_girlfriend_was_cooking_for_our_guests_she_told/
%
I hate meeting girls dads

That's why I date black women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjh8h/i_hate_meeting_girls_dads/
%
A German man walks into a bar...

and orders a Martini.
The barman asks:
"Dry?"
The German replies:
"No, just one, thank you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjet3/a_german_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I poured root beer into a square glass...

Now I just have beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjdmb/i_poured_root_beer_into_a_square_glass/
%
It took my wife six hours to push out our first child.

The fat bastard can live elsewhere now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjb6r/it_took_my_wife_six_hours_to_push_out_our_first/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's actually 12:
One to screw it in, one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination, one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination, one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like", one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic, one to blame men for not changing the bulb, one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it, one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs, one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs, one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians, one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men, and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjb5i/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
"Do you know any shit puns?" I asked my dad.

He said, "Manure stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kjag9/do_you_know_any_shit_puns_i_asked_my_dad/
%
Why cant a Mexican man sleep with three women at once?

Fear of over dos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kj789/why_cant_a_mexican_man_sleep_with_three_women_at/
%
Today I really missed my Ex

I think I need a better scope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kj74c/today_i_really_missed_my_ex/
%
I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kj2y8/ive_just_been_fired_from_the_clock_making_factory/
%
Why did the Priest go to Walmart?

Because the little boys pants were half off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kix5h/why_did_the_priest_go_to_walmart/
%
My vision is okish

But in just a few years I'll be able to see 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kix0o/my_vision_is_okish/
%
I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kiwcl/i_am_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
I asked my friend who the antagonist of Borderlands is.

Me: "If you tell me, i'll give you some alcohol for free"
Friend: "Alright then, hand some jack"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kiv0s/i_asked_my_friend_who_the_antagonist_of/
%
When you thought all of the celeb deaths of 2016 were over

then WHAM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kitom/when_you_thought_all_of_the_celeb_deaths_of_2016/
%
I am so poor

I can't even pay attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kiry5/i_am_so_poor/
%
My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...

Fortunately they missed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kiq9a/my_parents_tried_to_surprise_me_with_a_car_this/
%
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about

how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties! Maria replied, See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kikg0/maria_went_home_happy_telling_her_mother_about/
%
A couple of ten years is in bed

They haven't had sex in months. The man unexpectedly starts caressing her knees, then her tighs. She starts breathing heavily. He caresses her waist, her belly. She closes her eyes and starts biting her lips. He caresses her breast, her shoulders. She's getting there.
"Found the remote!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kij50/a_couple_of_ten_years_is_in_bed/
%
Having a good friend is just like peeing your pants.

Everybody can see it but only you feel that warm sensation of happiness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kihtr/having_a_good_friend_is_just_like_peeing_your/
%
Condescending

A midget convict was escaping out of a window, and as he lowered himself down I was walking past, and we made eye contact and he sneered at me and I thought "that's a little condescending".     (Say it out loud)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kigyj/condescending/
%
Texan, Russian and New Yorker walk into a restaurant

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.
The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kibxk/texan_russian_and_new_yorker_walk_into_a/
%
Ever heard of the "door knocker"?

No? It doesn't ring a bell?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kiag4/ever_heard_of_the_door_knocker/
%
What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?

Fucking hot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ki7lu/what_do_you_call_two_jalapeños_getting_it_on/
%
So there was this magician...

So there was this magician who did shows all around the world. One gig he got was on a cruise ship. The captain of the ship had a parrot who's cage was right next to the stage. While doing his first show on the cruise, the parrot kept talking, saying things like,
"Bgah! Why are you hiding that wand in your sleeve?"
and
"Hey! Why are all those cards spades?"
So the magician really had a thing against this parrot since he was the captains beloved companion and couldn't do anything about it.
One day, the cruise ship sank and the magician survived by hanging onto a door floating in the water. After some time stranded, to his surprise, the parrot landed on the door. The magician was more annoyed than ever now. The parrot didn't say anything for days, until one day it broke it's silence and said,
"Alright, you got me. What the hell did you do with the ship?"
(Credits to my dad)
(And mom since I'm here to type this)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ki5mj/so_there_was_this_magician/
%
And the award for the best neckwear goes to...

Well, would you look at that, it's a tie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ki4tz/and_the_award_for_the_best_neckwear_goes_to/
%
What does a Russian say before having sex?

I'm Putin it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ki4of/what_does_a_russian_say_before_having_sex/
%
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle.

He looked around and didn't see anyone so
he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man
for letting him out. The genie said, "For your
kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have
always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been
able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships
make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a
road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No,
I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the
work involved with the pilings needed to hold up
the highway and how deep they would have to be to
reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the
pavement that would be needed. No, that's just too
much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the
genie, "There is one other thing that I have
always wanted. I would like to be able to
understand women. What makes them laugh and cry,
why are they temperamental, why are they so
difficult to get along with?  Basically, what
makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said,
"So, do you want two lanes or four?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ki2cu/a_man_was_walking_along_the_beach_and_found_a/
%
What's the cheapest meat on the Market?

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ki258/whats_the_cheapest_meat_on_the_market/
%
I am on a seafood diet

Every time I see food, I eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ki1w0/i_am_on_a_seafood_diet/
%
A man walks onto the campus of Yale university

He walks up to a student and asks "where's the bathroom at?"
The student responds haughtily, "here at Yale, we're taught not to end a sentence with a preposition.
The man realizing his mistake corrects himself, "where's the bathroom at, asshole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ki1qg/a_man_walks_onto_the_campus_of_yale_university/
%
Q: Why don't women wear dresses in the winter?

A: They could get chapped lips!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ki1pe/q_why_dont_women_wear_dresses_in_the_winter/
%
What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5khzlv/what_do_you_call_immigrants_to_sweden/
%
I've decided to start my own herb garden.

I've got a lot of extra Thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5khyvu/ive_decided_to_start_my_own_herb_garden/
%
How many dead hookers does it take to fill up a garage

I know it isn't 37

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5khybd/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_fill_up_a/
%
There's two things I don't fuck with...

Rattlesnakes. And Condoms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5khusa/theres_two_things_i_dont_fuck_with/
%
Why didn't the rope get any presents this year?

He was very knotty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5khqw9/why_didnt_the_rope_get_any_presents_this_year/
%
Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5khos6/two_priests_are_out_driving_one_day/
%
I put the Christmas tree in our bed.

Hopefully my wife will be okay with us having a treesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5khork/i_put_the_christmas_tree_in_our_bed/
%
Where does a snowman keep his money?

In the snowbank.
I'll see myself out..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5khofe/where_does_a_snowman_keep_his_money/
%
I used to be a door to door vacuum salesman...

That shit sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5khlwx/i_used_to_be_a_door_to_door_vacuum_salesman/
%
What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5khihx/whats_the_difference_between_outlaws_and_inlaws/
%
Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans

Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5khg7h/vladimir_putin_to_begin_marketing_kremlin_brand/
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How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kheby/how_many_vegans_does_it_take_to_eat_a_bacon/
%
How to make someone disappear from your life forever.

Ask them to pay you back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kh72q/how_to_make_someone_disappear_from_your_life/
%
What did one eye say to the other eye?

Between you and me, something smells.
Credit: Christmas cracker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kh71f/what_did_one_eye_say_to_the_other_eye/
%
"Say Daddy"

Baby: "Mommy"
Dad: "Come on, say daddy"
Baby: "Mommy"
Dad: "Fuck, say daddy"
Baby: "Fuck Mommy"
Mom: "Honey, I'm home!"
Baby: "Fuck!"
Mom: "Who taught you that?"
Baby: "Daddy!"
Dad: "Son of a bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kh5hz/say_daddy/
%
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 10 black guys?

A quarterback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kh43t/what_do_you_call_a_white_guy_surrounded_by_10/
%
An old woman phones her husband..

An old woman called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s bloody hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kh2t8/an_old_woman_phones_her_husband/
%
What is the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I am not crying when chopping up the hooker.  Thank you and goodbye forever!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kh1ue/what_is_the_difference_between_an_onion_and_a/
%
Smiling is disencoursged in my country.

It isn't illegal but it is frowned upon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kgvsu/smiling_is_disencoursged_in_my_country/
%
A competition between France, England, and Mexico

There was to be a contest between 3 countries to see who has the largest gorilla.
France was up first, so the Prime Minister went up to the podium and told the audience, "Our Gorilla is so big, when it raises its arms, he can touch airplanes in the sky.
The crowd amazed, thinking no country could top that, was ready to hear England. The Prime Minister of England said, "Our gorilla is so enormous, that when he raises his arms, he can touch the planets.
Now the crowd was really on its feet, thinking England is the obvious champion. So the final country, Mexico went to the podium and instead asked the Prime Minister of England, "When your gorilla touched the planets, were they hot or cold?"
He responded, "Why yes of course, they were hot."  So the President of Mexico, "Well those are the balls of our gorilla."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kgruq/a_competition_between_france_england_and_mexico/
%
A man decides to buy a lie-detecting robot that slaps people who lie,

and decided to test it out on his son at Dinner.
"Did you go to school today, Jim?" asks the father.
"Yes," replies the son, "I, did go to school"
The Robot slaps him. "FINE, I went to the movies!
"Which one did you see?" the Father proceeds to ask.
"Toy Store 3" mumbled the son.
Once again, the robot slaps him.
"FINE! I saw an R-Rated film!"
"When we were your age, we would be killed if we watched an R-rated film! Heck, we didn't even know what those were at the time!" yells the father. The robot slaps him.
The mother laughs and says "Haha, after all, he IS your son." The robot slaps her as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kgrpz/a_man_decides_to_buy_a_liedetecting_robot_that/
%
Sexy time with my girlfriend

So, me and my girlfriend are making out.
She says, "take off my shirt!"
I took off her shirt.
She then says, "take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
She also says "take off my shoes!"
I took off her shoes.
Finally, she says "take off my bra and panties!"
I took off her bra and panties.
She then looks at me and says "I don't wanna catch you wearing my things ever again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kgpie/sexy_time_with_my_girlfriend/
%
What did the red light say to the green light

Don't look. I'm changing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kgod6/what_did_the_red_light_say_to_the_green_light/
%
A man walks into a library...

A man walks into a library and says "Excuse me, miss, but do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian goes to the computer, types a few things in, and says "I don't think it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kgnbv/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
%
I hate being bipolar...

It's great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kglk7/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
What kind of horses only come out after dark?

Nightmares!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kgjlm/what_kind_of_horses_only_come_out_after_dark/
%
Fancy Dress Party tonight. Going as a masturbating guy with Leprosy

Hope I can pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kgikp/fancy_dress_party_tonight_going_as_a_masturbating/
%
New Years Resolutions

Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?"
I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more sex."
"Oh great!" my wife sighed.
"Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kggtu/new_years_resolutions/
%
A dyslexic boy walks into a toy store and asks for a "satr wars atcion figuer"...

The manager tells him that dyslexia does not cause you to talk in misspelled words and took the boy to hospital where he was diagnosed with a brain tumour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kggrs/a_dyslexic_boy_walks_into_a_toy_store_and_asks/
%
How do pianists remember which groceries to buy?

They use a Chopin Liszt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kggd7/how_do_pianists_remember_which_groceries_to_buy/
%
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas.

Now I'm fucking stuck taking care of a puppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kggbc/i_got_my_kid_a_puppy_as_a_present_but_it_died/
%
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are 99 cents, deer nuts are just under a buck !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kgess/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
So I asked my North Korean friend how's life there

He said he can't complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kgbu0/so_i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_hows_life_there/
%
Did you hear the one about the girl that went deep sea fishing with four guys?

She came back with a red snapper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kg8xq/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_girl_that_went/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

Idk, but it's flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kg85r/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
An atheist and little girl were sitting next to each other on an aeroplane.

'Flight goes quicker when two aeroplane buddies chat to each other,' said the atheist to the little girl.
'What would I want to talk to you about?' replied the little girl.
'I dunno, maybe about how why there is no God.'
Now the girl believed in God and was also very smart indeed.
'Alright then. Have you ever noticed how a deer, goat and cow all eat grass but a cow excretes large faeces and a deer and goat excrete pellets?'
'Um, well yes, I guess so. So?' he replied, perplexed.
'Do you have any idea why?' she asked.
'It's because of God, I presume?' he asked mockingly, but soon remembered the age of the person he was talking to. 'No, I don't.'
'Exactly,' replied the girl. 'Don't turn to me telling me to talk about God when you don't know shit.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kg58v/an_atheist_and_little_girl_were_sitting_next_to/
%
What did Einstein's dad say when he published his theory of relativity?

Damn, son. It's about time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kg4re/what_did_einsteins_dad_say_when_he_published_his/
%
A German, an American and an Englishman are standing by the sea...

They're talking about their military's efficiency. The American boldly claims "Our American submarines can last a month under water without ever having to go up!".
The Englishman laughs and says "That's nothing. Our Royal Navy submarines can last half a year under water without ever having to go up!"
Both look at the German who remains silent. Suddenly a submarine emerges before them and a man jumps out shouting: "Heil Hitler, we need fuel!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kg21t/a_german_an_american_and_an_englishman_are/
%
I could never be friends with a dildo.

They're stuck-up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kg0l9/i_could_never_be_friends_with_a_dildo/
%
At the beach

(When I was growing up, my father used to tell this joke at every thanksgiving gathering of friends and family. I was mortified each time.  Now it's one of those memories that makes me smile, regardless of the joke quality...)
Me and my buddy were out along the beach one weekend looking for clams.  We had a nice spot picked out for a bake later in the evening.  But as it started to get dark, we had to head back, with no clams at all.  On the way, we saw a food vendor set up in the sand, and decided that would be our best bet.  So we each ordered a burger.
The lady there reached into a little freezer and pulled out two frozen patties.  She raised her left arm, and put one right in her armpit.  Then she lowered that arm, raised the right, and put the other patty there.  By the time she had the grill ready, both were defrosted and ready to cook.
As we walked away with our burgers, I was grumbling about her method of defrosting our food.  My buddy was quiet a moment, then turned to me and said, "Well, just be glad we didn't order the hot dogs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kg0g5/at_the_beach/
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Google is now filtering out Holocaust denier websites from searches

Now we will nazi those results.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kfztp/google_is_now_filtering_out_holocaust_denier/
%
Ducktales, woohoo!

A farm boy turns 18 and dad is too poor to celebrate his birthday soo he says "take this duck and go into town, see what you can trade it for and have fun on your first day of being a man".
So duck under his arm, he walks into town. He walks past a lady of the night who offers her services. He says "that sounds great but I can't pay you, all I have is this duck". She's feeling generous, so she decides sure why not and takes him to her room.
After a good long romp she says "that was the best sex I've ever had, I'd pay you to do that again!" "You'd give me my duck back?" he asks earnestly. She says "Sure hunny, I'll give you your duck back" and so they have sex again.
Both fully satiated, he dresses, puts his duck under his arm and walks out. He's walking down the street looking to see what else he can trade the duck for when suddenly this huge Mack truck comes careening around the corner.
There's a split second before he's smashed into goo. He tumbles out of the way at the last moment and the truck narrowly misses him.
But the duck was not so lucky.
The truck driver is upset. So apologetic he says "I didn't even see you there. Please let me pay you for the loss of your duck."
The farm boy tries to decline but the truck driver is insistent. So the farm boy take twenty dollars and figures he's had enough fun for one birthday and so he heads home.
The farmer is sitting at the dining table and asks about his day. The farm boy thinks for a second and says "It was pretty good, I guess. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and twenty bucks for a fucked up duck."
I've been telling this joke nearly 25 years and I just typed it all out on mobile to make you smile. Hope you have a wonderful day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kfw3i/ducktales_woohoo/
%
Why don't witches wear panties?

Better grip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kfvvu/why_dont_witches_wear_panties/
%
How did the guitar player bust the G string?

He was fingering A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kfubg/how_did_the_guitar_player_bust_the_g_string/
%
Don't trust the atoms...

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kfuak/dont_trust_the_atoms/
%
A racist, a fascist, and an idiot walked into a bar

"What can I get you?" Asked the bartender.
"I'll just have a water, and make sure the glass is small enough for my hands" said Donald Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kft5z/a_racist_a_fascist_and_an_idiot_walked_into_a_bar/
%
There's a new Batman coming out, but Batman is being played by an Asian?

His alter-ego? Bruce Wang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kfmb4/theres_a_new_batman_coming_out_but_batman_is/
%
An old lady at the atm asked me to help check her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kfm6w/an_old_lady_at_the_atm_asked_me_to_help_check_her/
%
There's a monkey sitting up In a tree with a big ole smile on his face

Down on the jungle floor a gecko passes by the tree and sees the monkey up there smiling real big and calls up to him and says "Hey monkey! Why you smiling so big??" The monkey calls down and says "I got this great weed, gecko! Come on up you can have some." So the gecko climbs his way up the tree and smokes some of the monkeys weed and now they're both sitting up there smiling real big. After a minute the gecko says "Hey monkey, I'm a bit thirsty. Have you got something to drink?" The monkey says "no I don't but the river is just down there to the left. You can go and get yourself a cool drink from it." So the gecko climbs down and starts making his way to the river. As he is about to take a drink he sees an alligator off to his right. The alligator comes over to the gecko and says "Hey gecko, why you got that big smile on your face?" And the gecko says "you need to go see the monkey in that tree over there." So the alligator makes his way over to the tree and yells up "Hey monkey!" And the monkey looks down and yells " DAMN, GECKO!! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK??!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kflll/theres_a_monkey_sitting_up_in_a_tree_with_a_big/
%
Ceasefire broken!

Once upon a time Sweden and Norway was at war, The war was getting pretty bad for both sides so they decided to have a ceasefire.
At the front line there were 2 watchtowers, 1 on each side of the border  and there was one Norwegian and one Swedish solider on watch out duty  on each side of the border.
One day the swede got bored and tried communicating with the Norwegian, he yelled and shouted but could not get the Norwegian solider's Attention. So he figured hell use hand signals instead, while shouting, ARE YOU IN THE AIR FORCE he did notion with his hands imitating an aircraft going down, The Norwegian thought to himself what the fuck? he could not hear him all he saw was the hand notion.
The second time the Swede shouted, ARE YOU IN THE MARINES?  while doing a swimming motion with his arms.
The Norwegian solider started to get real agitated because he could not hear what he was saying, he could only see the hand signals.
Than the swede shouted ARE YOU IN THE ARTILLERY while shaking his fist up and down.
The Norwegian was at this point furious and vowed to shoot the Swede if he did one more hand gesture
The fourth and final time the Swede shouted, ARE YOU KEEPING AN EYE ON US? while pointing his fingers to his eyes and than the Norwegian.
The Norwegian lost his cool and shot the swede dead, The ceasefire was broken and all out war resumed, Than a general furious with the Norwegian took him to a bunker for interrogation as why he did this.
The general asked why did you do this?
The solider replied with
" That motherfucker said when the sun goes down hes gonna swim over here and fuck me till my eyes falls out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kfh6u/ceasefire_broken/
%
A man with a gun enters a bar.

He tells everyone he is there to shoot the man who slept with his wife.
A person from the back of the bar yells "you don't have enough bullets."
Note: I heard this joke a few years ago and it's still the funniest I've ever heard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kfgn8/a_man_with_a_gun_enters_a_bar/
%
Two spiders are at another spiders funeral.

"Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly."
"Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?"
"Starvation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kfgkc/two_spiders_are_at_another_spiders_funeral/
%
A tiny bucket asks to leave work early because he's sick

His boss looks him over. Alright you can, i notice you are a little pail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kff02/a_tiny_bucket_asks_to_leave_work_early_because/
%
A man has an urgent need to get a potato clock.

He was bewildered at first, but he wanted to make his new boss happy, so he went to the local clock shop and asked
"Do you happen to have a potato clock?"
Inwhich the clerk said he didn't, and told him to try the hardware store. So the man walked to the hardware store and explained to the shopkeeper that he really needed a potato clock, but unfortunately they didn't have one. The shopkeeper asks
"Why on earth do you need a potato clock?"
To which the man replies
"Well, you see I've just gotten a new job and my boss says that I really need to get up at eight o'clock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kfdhi/a_man_has_an_urgent_need_to_get_a_potato_clock/
%
Recycling is important...

I went to the bar last night. I saw two rather large ladies having a great time. They seemed to be speaking in an Irish accent. I sauntered over and asked them
"Are you ladies from Ireland?"
They responded, "It's Wales, you idiot!"
I apologized immediately and said
"Are you whales from Ireland?" I don't remember much after that.
I woke up as a marine biologist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kfdgb/recycling_is_important/
%
The US President, French President, and Brazilian President are in an airplane...

The French president sticks is arm out of a window in the airplane and says, "We're flying over France."
The other two presidents ask him how he knows this.
He responds with, "I just touched the Eiffel Tower."
A little while later, the US president sticks his arm out of the window and says, "We're flying over the United States."
The other two presidents ask him how he knows this.
He responds with, "I just touched the Empire State Building."
A little while later, the Brazilian president sticks his arm out the window and says, "We're flying over Brazil."
One of the othet two presidents says, "What, did you touch the Christ the Redeemer statue?"
He responds with, "No, someone just stole my watch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kfch1/the_us_president_french_president_and_brazilian/
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Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles!

Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kfb2h/contest_emcee_congratulations_you_just_won_a/
%
I've been working 25/7

To come up with a joke about daylight savings time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kf6xu/ive_been_working_257/
%
I crossed the road, walked into the bar and changed a lightbulb.

It was at that moment I realised my life was a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kf6dl/i_crossed_the_road_walked_into_the_bar_and/
%
An Englishman, A German, and a Mexican...

...are at the Olympic stadium unsuccessfully trying to get in to watch the events without tickets.
The Englishman sees that next to the stadium there is a construction site.  He walks over and picks up a large construction hammer and takes it to the stadium entrance.
The security guard says "where is your ticket?"
The Englishman says:  Michael Kensington, hammer throw..I'm late
The guard lets him in right away.
The German, seeing this, walks to the construction site and picks up a steel bar and takes it to the entrance.
The security guard says "where is your ticket?"
The German says:  Maximillian Von Heidelberg:  Javelin...I am late.
The guard lets him in right away.
The Mexican, seeing this, walks over the to construction yard and takes a few planks of wood and some steel cable to the entrance.
The security guard says "where is your ticket?"
The Mexican says:  Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo, fencing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kf5ar/an_englishman_a_german_and_a_mexican/
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What if I told you...

You read the first line wrong
Made you look

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kf51l/what_if_i_told_you/
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Do you know how Rihanna can tell when Chris has been cheating on her?

He has someone else's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kf2mn/do_you_know_how_rihanna_can_tell_when_chris_has/
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Why couldn't the octopus stop laughing?

Because it had ten tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kf2i5/why_couldnt_the_octopus_stop_laughing/
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A vampire walks into a bar..

He approaches the barman. The barman asks, "what will it be?" The vampire asks for a mug of hot water. The barman confused asks "don't you folk drink blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kf1uu/a_vampire_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kezwd/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
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One day, buzzard and rabbit were talking.

The buzzard says "Rabbit, I'm tired of the country life. This hard work is not for me. I'm going to move to the city and get rich."  So buzzard packed up his things and moved to the city. In fact, he stayed true to his word and made it big.  He bought a luxurious mansion just outside of the big city.
The following summer, rabbit received a letter from buzzard asking how he was and invited him to visit him in the big city.  He also asked rabbit to bring with him a large cart full of manure for his garden.
The next day, rabbit took his bags and cartload of manure to buzzard's condo.  Rabbit rang the doorbell and after a few short moments buzzard's servant answered.  "Mr. Buz-zard's residence. For whom may I ask is calling?"
Rabbit answered, "I am here for Mr Buzzard."
"Mr. Buz-zard is out on the yard."
"Well tell him Mr. Rab-bit is here with his shit!"
BACK STORY:  My late grandmother used to tell my cousin and I that a long time ago when we were both young children. It always got a laugh out of us at bed time. We were raised back woods where stories like that were the norm. Unfortunately, that was the only one I can recall verbatim.
I miss her every day since she passed away. She was alway the heart of our family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ketnf/one_day_buzzard_and_rabbit_were_talking/
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"Give it to me,"She begged. "I'm so wet! Give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kerg3/give_it_to_meshe_begged_im_so_wet_give_it_to_me/
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I am your father...

Is a more polite way of saying "I fucked your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5keq33/i_am_your_father/
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Whenever someone says to me "Please make yourself at home"

I remove all my clothes and start masturbating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kepgj/whenever_someone_says_to_me_please_make_yourself/
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An elderly couple has ben experiencing declining memories....

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5keniv/an_elderly_couple_has_ben_experiencing_declining/
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Good news for insomniacs

Only two more sleeps until Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kelte/good_news_for_insomniacs/
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Wearing White ...

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kekck/wearing_white/
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A man and a woman are getting married

Coming from very conservative families, they had been completely chaste, never having even seen each other naked.
The day before their wedding, the woman comes up to her fiancé and says "Honey, I've got something to tell you. I've been stuffing my bra, I'm actually very flat chested" and the groom surprised but fully accepting of this revelation says "I've got something to tell you as well. I have a baby penis"
The bride, obviously moved by his acceptance and honesty embraces him and they get ready for their wedding. It's an absolutely beautiful ceremony, held in a lovely garden.
Then that night, they get ready to consumate their marriage in their honeymoon suite. The woman removes her bra, and she is flat as a board, really no breasts to speak of. The man removes his pants, and as he removes his underwear, out flops this WHALE of a cock. And the bride says "I thought you had a baby penis!"
And the groom goes "yeah, 8 pounds 7 ounces"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5keiym/a_man_and_a_woman_are_getting_married/
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During World War II, four men are captured by the German forces...

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.
One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up and each shot in turn, but before you are shot you get a final wish."
The Scotsman says, "Before I'm shot I'd like to hear Highland Cathedral played on the bagpipes once again, to remind me of the old country."
The German nods, "That can be arranged."
The Irishman says, "Before I die, I'd like to hear Danny Boy sung, in the style of Daniel O'Donnel, with Riverdancers skipping gaily to the tune to remind me of the old country."
The German nods, "That can also be arranged."
The Welshman says, "After them, before I die I'd like to hear Men of Harlech once again, sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir, to remind me of the old country."
The German nods, "Yes. That can be arranged."
Hearing all this, the Englishman bursts out laughing.
When the German officer asks "And what is your wish?", he laughs even harder and says;
"Can I be shot first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5keisv/during_world_war_ii_four_men_are_captured_by_the/
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A sandwich walks into a bar

and orders a beer. The bartender replies "Sorry. We don't serve food".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5keir9/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend........

Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.
When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"
"Why is that?" her mom asked.
"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"He's the original owner mom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kehxw/once_there_was_a_girl_who_wanted_a_boyfriend/
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Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do stand up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kehi2/why_does_stephen_hawking_do_oneliners/
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My Girlfriend is Like the square root of -100

A perfect ten, but completely imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kehhc/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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Three Nuns and Saint Peter

Three little nuns were tragically killed in a car crash this past weekend. Being devout followers of the faith, their souls floated up to heaven.
The three see the Pearly Gates and begin to approach the massive structure only to be stopped by Saint Peter.
Saint Peter explains, "The Boss set a new rule, in order to get into heaven, you must correctly answer a question relating to the Bible, or you will be banished to the flaming depths of hell for all eternity!"
The nuns had never heard such a thing in all their years and become very scared.
"Nun # 1," Saint Peter boomed, "Who was the first man on earth?"
Nun # 1 looks at the other two nuns as if that was a trick questions and reluctantly utters, "Adam?"
The Pearly Gates open, Nun # 1 passes through and is greeted by joyous angels on the other side.
The other two nuns let out a small sigh of relief for maybe their questions will be easy too.
"Nun # 2! Who was the first woman on Earth?"
Without hesitation, Nun # 2 says, "Eve."
The Pearly Gates open, Nun # 2 passes through and is greeted by joyous angels on the other side.
"Nun # 3, what was the first thing Eve ever said to Adam?"
Nun # 3 cannot believe the question because such a thing is not in the Bible. She stretches her head and looks up at Saint Peter in total fear for her eternal soul.
Without thinking Nun # 3 mumbles, "Boy, that is a hard one."
The Pearly Gates open, Nun # 3 passes through and is greeted by joyous angels on the other side.
*Happy New Years Reddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kedsu/three_nuns_and_saint_peter/
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How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ke9tz/how_do_you_milk_sheep/
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Trump's Secret Service is going to have a problem

If someone shoots at him, they will yell "Donald Duck, Donald Duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ke9qr/trumps_secret_service_is_going_to_have_a_problem/
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What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ke982/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mosquito_with_a/
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Sarcasm

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ke5mn/sarcasm/
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Chuck Norris facts.

-In the average living room, there are 1,385 items Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
-Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he takes a piss.
-When Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris.
-If you rearrange the letters in Walker, Texas Ranger, you get Karate Sex Wrangler. I don't know what that means but it sounds *awesome*.
-Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until they give him the information he wants.
-One time, Chuck Norris was approached by an angry bear. He simply shook his fist at the bear, and it proceeded to eat itself, realizing it would be the less painful way to die.
-Chuck Norris invented the words "kill", "die", "beer", and "what".
-If Chuck Norris tells a lie, it instantly becomes fact.
-Chuck Norris is the only person who can actually kick someone in the back of the face.
-Chuck Norris can taste lies.
-Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive reentry without a suit or a ship. They laughingly took the bet. On June 26, 1997, a naked Chuck was seen streaking through the night sky, an event witnessed across seven states. A humiliated NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes Chuck a beer.
-Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even at a bowling alley.
-If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris takes the phrase "Nobody's perfect" as a personal insult.
-Chuck Norris once walked down the Sunset Strip with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
-Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and Mr. T were once asked to join forces to fight evil. This brand of beard/bald/mohawk justice would have the power to instantly vaporize all bad guys in the universe. The reason this hasn't happened lies in three simple facts: Chuck Norris thinks mohawks are gay, Mr. T thinks beards are gay, and Vin Diesel thinks hair in general is gay.
-Chuck Norris once went to a frat party and roundhouse kicked every popped collar in sight. He then drank three whole kegs and shit on their floor, just cause he's Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
-Chuck Norris had a longstanding bet with God on the survival of humanity. On December 21, 2012, it was declared that Chuck was the winner, and the prize for winning the bet was the winner cockslamming the loser. Chuck Norris collected on February 9, 2013, and when God was smacked to the Earth, the event became known as the 2013 Nariño Earthquake.
-Chuck Norris caused the 2006 tsunami by doing a cannonball into the Pacific from the International Space Station.
-What was the last thing to go through Chuck Norris' victims minds as they were roundhouse kicked? His shoe.
-The Big Bang released power roughly equivalent to 1CNRhK; that is, one Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
-Once a month, Chuck Norris sleeps with every woman in the world. They bleed for a week afterward.
-Chuck Norris can be in bed before the lights go out.
-When viewing Chuck Norris' famous roundhouse kick in slow motion, one can see that Chuck actually first ass rapes his victim, smokes a cigarette with Denis Leary, then roundhouse kicks his victim.
-Chuck Norris is 1/8 Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, he ate a fucking Indian.
-Chuck Norris slams revolving doors.
-Chuck Norris farted twice while visiting Japan. Hiroshima and Nagasaki were leveled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ke3zp/chuck_norris_facts/
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I can't believe Christmas is only 364 days away...

...feels like it was just yesterday.
*HA! you thought it was a repost didn't you. Well you're wrong. It's just my stupid alternate version of the joke. I probably found telling the joke more funny than you thought this joke was funny.* :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ke3jk/i_cant_believe_christmas_is_only_364_days_away/
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TIFU by getting my girlfriend's order wrong at Subway

Oops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ke2gh/tifu_by_getting_my_girlfriends_order_wrong_at/
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I introduced my girlfriend to the family

Me: hello everyone, meet Jasmine
Jasmine: Hi
Wife: what the fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ke2e4/i_introduced_my_girlfriend_to_the_family/
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Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks
you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdwjp/scotsman_englishman_and_an_irishman_walk_into_a/
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Your mamma is so ugly Santa came down the chimney and said

Ho Ho Holy shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdwh3/your_mamma_is_so_ugly_santa_came_down_the_chimney/
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Why does everyone start to fight the day after Christmas?

Because it's Boxing Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdvkt/why_does_everyone_start_to_fight_the_day_after/
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My girlfriend is like my self-esteem

I have none

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kduyq/my_girlfriend_is_like_my_selfesteem/
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Christmas Day accident

Grandpa woke up unusually early yesterday to celebrate Christmas with the family.  He was half asleep still when went to the restroom to brush his teeth.  In the early morning brain fog, he accidentally got his Polident mixed up with his Preparation H.
His gums aren't itching, but now, he can't get his underwear off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdusz/christmas_day_accident/
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I used to buy second hand ballet equipment from ebay

I still do but I used tutu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdtxw/i_used_to_buy_second_hand_ballet_equipment_from/
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How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper?

All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdtmm/how_many_animals_can_jump_higher_than_a_skyscraper/
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What did the triangle say to the circle?

Why are you so pointless?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdt1g/what_did_the_triangle_say_to_the_circle/
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"Hey Dad, I'm going to the airport. Call me a taxi.'

Dad : "Hi taxi"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdszx/hey_dad_im_going_to_the_airport_call_me_a_taxi/
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Your mama is so ugly

She fell into a gorilla exhibit and got shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdsn5/your_mama_is_so_ugly/
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What do you call a story about a rooster?

A cocktale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdsio/what_do_you_call_a_story_about_a_rooster/
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Knock knock.

Come in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kds9m/knock_knock/
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Why is christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work, and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdr4f/why_is_christmas_just_like_a_day_at_the_office/
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Math jokes never work on me

I have trouble differentiating them. They aren't an integral part of my life and most of the time they just don't add up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdoud/math_jokes_never_work_on_me/
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I decided today that I want to have kids

I hope they taste good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdotv/i_decided_today_that_i_want_to_have_kids/
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Get in on Syrian real estate now!

The markets are exploding!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdnts/get_in_on_syrian_real_estate_now/
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I wanted to tell my best joke

But my autobiography is too long to post here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdm3e/i_wanted_to_tell_my_best_joke/
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I wanted to crack a joke on cooking utensils...

...but it didn't pan out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdl7t/i_wanted_to_crack_a_joke_on_cooking_utensils/
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I'd also like to share a joke from my grandpa: "Fruit Salad"

Two man sit next to each other inside a train. One of them takes an apple, peels it, cuts it into pieces, and puts it into a bowl. Next, he takes a pear, peels it, cuts it into pieces, and puts it into the bowl as well. The other man notices and asks him: "Excuse me, may I ask what you are doing there?" He gets the answer: "Why yes, I am making fruit salad."
The first man now takes a banana, peels it, cuts it into pieces, and puts it into a bowl. Eventually, he takes a bunch of grapes and puts them into the bowl as well. As he is finished, he takes the bowl, stands up, and throws the contents out of the window. Astonished, the other man asks: "Why did you do this??" The first man explains: "Ah, you see, I don't really like fruit salad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdkvo/id_also_like_to_share_a_joke_from_my_grandpa/
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When I steal a sweater it's called theft

but when a girl does it, it's a sign of affection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdkip/when_i_steal_a_sweater_its_called_theft/
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A panda walks into a bar...

And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdiwn/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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There's a German shepherd next door who keeps burying under my fence and shitting in the flower bed

His dog is just as bad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdfzw/theres_a_german_shepherd_next_door_who_keeps/
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What is Hitler's least favourite Christmas song?

All I Want From Christmas Is Jew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdes8/what_is_hitlers_least_favourite_christmas_song/
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A couple was having a conversation, when...

...the husband turns to his wife and tells her: "I bet you can't say one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thinks about it for a second and then replies: "Yours is bigger than your friends'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdemm/a_couple_was_having_a_conversation_when/
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Why are men the best chefs?

Because with only 2 nuts, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kdapu/why_are_men_the_best_chefs/
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My goal for 2017....

....is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kd9s1/my_goal_for_2017/
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What's the only thing that could have saved George Michael?

A whambulance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kd9j6/whats_the_only_thing_that_could_have_saved_george/
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Don't be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parents' job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kczj0/dont_be_ashamed_of_who_you_are/
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Pakistan president calls to Obama in the morning

And says "I'm sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks in New York, I wanted to be the first one to call and show my support to America"
After a pause Obama replies "What attack? I have no news of such attacks yet"
A dramatic silence prevails
After a while Obama hears a voice on phone that sounded like someone shouting "shit I forgot about the time difference".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kczc9/pakistan_president_calls_to_obama_in_the_morning/
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Why do blind people always laugh at jokes?

Same as why they don't drive. They never see it comming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kcyyv/why_do_blind_people_always_laugh_at_jokes/
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Just when we thought there were no more celebrities to die and then

WHAM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kctv7/just_when_we_thought_there_were_no_more/
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What is the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kcq9k/what_is_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_man/
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I like my pick-up lines how I like my cheetos

Dangerously Cheesy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kcpt4/i_like_my_pickup_lines_how_i_like_my_cheetos/
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The pickle slicer

There was a married couple, wife was a stay at home mom and husband worked at a pickle factory.
The usual day, wake up in morning and wife cooks breakfast. They eat, then husband goes to work. At the end of the day husband comes home and wife asks
Wife: Hows was your day?
Husband: The usual, not much it was work. How was your day?
They talk, then she cooks dinner go about the rest of night and go to sleep.
Next day they the usual both wake up, wife cooks breakfast and husband goes to work. In the evening he gets home from work and the wife asks
Wife: How was your day?
Husband: Well today was interesting, we got this new pickle slicer at work.
They talk, he asks her about her day and so on and so forth she cooks dinner and they eat go about the evening and go to sleep.
Next day the usual, wife cooks breakfast and husband goes to work. When he gets home
Wife: How was your day?
Husband: Well I've been really thinking about that pickle slicer, I'm thinking about putting my dick in it.
Wife: What the Fuck!? Why the Fuck?! No, just no! Why would you ever do such a thing?!
She tells him some choice words and then they finish the day and eat dinner and go to sleep.
Next day the usual, and the wife is eager to see what husband says when he gets home from work today. When he arrives
Wife: Well what happened at work today?
Husband: Well I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer.
Wife: What the Fuck?! What happened?!
Husband: Well they fired me.
Wife: Well what they do about the pickle slicer?!
Husband: They fired her to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kcouk/the_pickle_slicer/
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So a horse walks into a bar...

So a horse walks into a bar. The barkeep seems to know that the horse frequently goes to bars, and he asks the horse, "Aren't you an alcoholic by now?"
The horse replies, "I think not!" and disappears, seemingly into thin air.
See, the joke here is based on Rene Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", however, explaining that part first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kcl4m/so_a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kcku0/employer_in_this_job_we_need_someone_who_is/
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I was hanging out with my grandfather.

I was on my phone when he knocks it out of my hands and said " You rely to much on technology " red in the face with rage I scream " No YOU rely to much on technology" as I pull the plug on his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kcb3o/i_was_hanging_out_with_my_grandfather/
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I can't believe christmas is 364 days away...

And people already have their decorations up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kca72/i_cant_believe_christmas_is_364_days_away/
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An old Jewish man is on his deathbed, at home...

A very, very old Jewish man, realizing he is in his final days, decides to go the traditional way and let nature take its course in his own bed at home. One day things take a turn for the worse and he calls his adult children to his bedside. While his wife is preparing food in the kitchen, he shares a final conversation with his children. He imparts what little wisdom he can, they tell him how the grandkids are...
His daughter asks him, "Dad, is there anything we can do to make you more comfortable?"
"Well," he says, "I can smell that your mother has made a kugel [a sweet baked noodle casserole often made for special events]. I always loved your mother's kugel, and I would love it so if the last thing I could eat on this side were a piece of kugel. Could you go into the kitchen and cut me off some?"
She goes, but she is only gone a minute before she returns -- "Sorry, Dad. Mom says it's for after."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kc812/an_old_jewish_man_is_on_his_deathbed_at_home/
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I watched the weirdest porn ever today. The repair man came over, fixed the garbage disposal, then left. That's it, that's all that happened.

Turns out it wasn't a porno after all, and the Do It Yourself, channel isn't what I thought it would be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kc1mr/i_watched_the_weirdest_porn_ever_today_the_repair/
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My wife and I decided not to have kids.

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbxk3/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
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My sister asked me who sings the 'Black Beatles' song [OC]

I told her probably John Melanin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbxex/my_sister_asked_me_who_sings_the_black_beatles/
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Who knew George Michael's "Last Christmas"...

was about the coroner?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbw0h/who_knew_george_michaels_last_christmas/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbvk0/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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I wonder if George Michael was a organ donor

So he could really give his heart to someone special this Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbsxb/i_wonder_if_george_michael_was_a_organ_donor/
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Did you hear about those new anti-gravity cars?

They really drive me up a wall!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbsqz/did_you_hear_about_those_new_antigravity_cars/
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Nasty Grandpa with 5 year old kid

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbrzz/nasty_grandpa_with_5_year_old_kid/
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Why did the chicken love Campbell's Soup?

Because his family had stock in the company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbqjz/why_did_the_chicken_love_campbells_soup/
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Guys, if anyone is interested, a friend of mine got an invitation to the 2017 Berlin Marathon for Christmas. But it's the same day of his wedding. So if anyone wants (and is able) to go, everything is paid.

St. Mary's church @ 6pm. Bride's name is Lisa.
Just go there, get married and you're done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbngj/guys_if_anyone_is_interested_a_friend_of_mine_got/
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Going to war without the French

Is like going hunting without an accordion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbma2/going_to_war_without_the_french/
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My sister bought my dad a wok....

he responded by saying, "but I already wok everywhere." I'm 31 years old and my dad is 66. I just want everyone to know that dad jokes never die and will always mean something to someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kblmb/my_sister_bought_my_dad_a_wok/
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What's the difference between dark matter and Black Lives Matter?

Dark matter has the capacity to leave an impact on a system

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kblaq/whats_the_difference_between_dark_matter_and/
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How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?

....give her a shovel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbk97/how_do_you_turn_a_dishwasher_into_a_snowblower/
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How do you confuse a feminist?

Tell her you refuse to allow her to make you a sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbik6/how_do_you_confuse_a_feminist/
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Just when you think the celebrity deaths are done for 2016,

Wham! there's one more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbg6l/just_when_you_think_the_celebrity_deaths_are_done/
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Two hunters walk into the woods....

One of them trips over, he's not breathing and his eyes have rolled back into their sockets. The other hunter whips out his phone and calls emergency services. The lady on the line asks what's wrong.
"Help, help! I think my friend is dead!"says the hunter.
"Calm down, take a breather, help will be with you shortly. First you need to make sure that he is dead"says the woman.
There is a silence, then a gunshot Is heard.
The hunter goes back on the phone and says "okay, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbepq/two_hunters_walk_into_the_woods/
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Three Doctors were discussing pain,

three Doctors were discussing ways to treat pain.
The first Doctor said that he thought Advil or Tylenol would do in most cases.
The second Doctor said that he thought that prescription pain pills were needed a lot more than are prescribed.
The third Doctor said that he believed in the old fashion method of "Kissing it to make it feel all better"
The first 2 Doctors say,"I didn't know you're a pediatrician."
Third Doctor says "I'm not,I'm a Gynecologist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbei5/three_doctors_were_discussing_pain/
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A ranch had two horses and couldn't tell them apart...

...so they tied a ribbon to one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.
But then the horse pulled off the ribbon, so then they shaved the mane off one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.
But then the mane grew back, so then they cut the tail off of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.
But then the tail grew back.
So finally, they measured, and they found the white horse was 6 inches taller than the black horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbeah/a_ranch_had_two_horses_and_couldnt_tell_them_apart/
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A husband and wife will only write notes to each other

A husband and wife are in a bad relationship and they agree that the only way they can talk to each other is through notes. So one night the husband writes a note asking his wife to wake him up at 5am for his business meeting. The following morning he rolls over and sees the time is 8am. He jumps out of bed yelling and cursing at his wife for not walking him up, that's when he looks on the night stand and sees a note from his wife that says "wake up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbdiz/a_husband_and_wife_will_only_write_notes_to_each/
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What's a pirates favorite thing to eat?

The booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbd8b/whats_a_pirates_favorite_thing_to_eat/
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How do you make 7 even?

By removing the S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbcjo/how_do_you_make_7_even/
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbcf3/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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I refuse to fly Virgin Airlines

I mean what's the point if they aren't going to go all the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kbaxj/i_refuse_to_fly_virgin_airlines/
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What I if told you...

... you read the first line wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kb90v/what_i_if_told_you/
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My pops favourite joke.

An old man starts to lose his hearing, and goes to the doctors to be diagnosed.
The doctor says to the man, "can you describe to me the symptoms?"
The man replied "yes, Marge has tall blue hair and Homer is an alcoholic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kb8u8/my_pops_favourite_joke/
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I'm making a party for people who can't ejaculate...

Let me know if you are coming or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kb8ga/im_making_a_party_for_people_who_cant_ejaculate/
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A dog walks into a bar...

...and WHAM !! Anyways, a man at the lumber yard accidentally shears off his fingers. He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."The man replies, "I haven't got the fingers."The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? We could have done microsurgery. I could have sewn them back on. Why on Earth didn't you bring the fingers?"The man replies, "I couldn't fucking pick them up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kb7rd/a_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
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TIL 19th century philosopher William Jacob Walsh once predicted a more sophisticated information public information network may result in less objective and reliable information being distributed, rather than the reverse

Of course, this will really only be funny if this joke makes the front page and people don't immediately realise I posted this on r/jokes and made up William Jacob Walsh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kb6z6/til_19th_century_philosopher_william_jacob_walsh/
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What's The Difference Between Santa and a Muslim?

Santa will be able to enter the united states next year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kb5bu/whats_the_difference_between_santa_and_a_muslim/
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What has eight arms and tells the time?

A clocktopus
Shoutout to the popper from my Xmas dinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kb4nm/what_has_eight_arms_and_tells_the_time/
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Whats the difference between inlaws and outlaws

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kb3by/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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Advice for the new guy

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kaxkz/advice_for_the_new_guy/
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What's the difference between a prostitute and a mosquito?

If you slap a mosquito it will stop sucking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kaxi0/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
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I asked Santa for a new energy policy...

...but all I got in my stocking was a lump of coal. :-(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kaxax/i_asked_santa_for_a_new_energy_policy/
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How to come up with a good joke for this sub-Reddit.

1. Think about an original punchline that could work with some set up
2. Think about a situation that isn't too short or long but could work
3. Imagine you telling it to someone and asking yourself if it could work
4. Give up entirely and repost every fucking joke you see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kax5t/how_to_come_up_with_a_good_joke_for_this_subreddit/
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You know Santa came when..

There's more milk in the glass than when you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kawe4/you_know_santa_came_when/
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The Police are looking into George Michaels' death.

When the press asked if an autopsy would be performed, the coroner was quoted as saying: "Well I guess it would be nice, if I could touch his body."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kaw2y/the_police_are_looking_into_george_michaels_death/
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Christmas joke from my 85 year old Grandma during presents this morning

Three men go out drinking one night, only to leave the bar and die in a car crash. They wake up at the gates of heaven to Saint Peter waiting, he tells them "Oh i'm sorry we're incredibly busy today, its christmas eve don't you know. I'll tell you what, if you can show me one thing on you that reminds you of christmas I'll let you in."
The first man pulls out his keys and jingles them, "these remind me of the bells at christmas time." Saint Peter nods and lets him into heaven.
The second man pulls out his lighter and lights it, "this reminds me of the candles at christmas time." Saint Peter nods and lets him into heaven.
The third man pulls out a pair of pink lacy panties. Saint Peter looks at them and says "And how do these remind you of christmas?"
The man replies "Oh well those are Carol's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5katwj/christmas_joke_from_my_85_year_old_grandma_during/
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What do you call a broken pencil?

Never mind, there's no point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kas7e/what_do_you_call_a_broken_pencil/
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I was forcibly held underwater, made to consume human flesh, and drank human blood all before puberty.

man Christianity has some weird traditions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5karf7/i_was_forcibly_held_underwater_made_to_consume/
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A joke my Pastor told during the sermon today

Two brothers are staying overnight at their Grandma's house. The Grandma says, "Now, don't forget to say your prayers before you go to bed tonight!" So they both get ready for bed and are sitting in the bedroom. Kneeling beside the bed, the older brother then begins to pray, "Dear God, I wish I could get a new bike for Christmas." Hearing this, the younger brother yells out MUCH louder, "DEAR GOD, I ALSO WANT A NEW BIKE FOR CHRISTMAS." The older brother yells, "What's wrong with you!? God's not hard of hearing!!" The younger brother replies, "No, but Grandma is!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kao2a/a_joke_my_pastor_told_during_the_sermon_today/
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Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM

(George Michael)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kanio/just_when_you_think_2016_has_finished_killing/
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kanho/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
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What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kalqg/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_afraid_of_santa/
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What did the gingerbread man say during sex?

I'm gonna crumb!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kalgy/what_did_the_gingerbread_man_say_during_sex/
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Why is it easy to weigh a fish?

Because it has its own scales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kaksq/why_is_it_easy_to_weigh_a_fish/
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What's the difference between Santa and God?

At some point, children are told that one of them is not actually real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kakgn/whats_the_difference_between_santa_and_god/
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My drug dealer got me shoes for Christmas

I dont know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping ever since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kagc7/my_drug_dealer_got_me_shoes_for_christmas/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kaeoi/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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When I went to church today I farted

So I sat in pew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5kae9l/when_i_went_to_church_today_i_farted/
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Hey! Did you hear about the monster with five legs?

His pants fit like a glove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ka8rg/hey_did_you_hear_about_the_monster_with_five_legs/
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but I hear the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ka8ha/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof_fell_in_love_and_got/
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I lost my mood ring this morning...

I don't even know how i feel about this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ka7qg/i_lost_my_mood_ring_this_morning/
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What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?

One's a goodyear. The other is a great year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ka7ie/whats_the_difference_between_a_tyre_and_365_used/
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Christmas in rural America

I live in rural America. On Christmas morning occasionally I will hear gun shots in the distance.  This means one of two things:
1) Someone got a new gun for Christmas
2) Someone didn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ka6zv/christmas_in_rural_america/
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If electricity is always directing itself to the least resistant, where would it go?

The French

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ka6nl/if_electricity_is_always_directing_itself_to_the/
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I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad

I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ka6mw/i_remember_when_i_discovered_santa_claus_was_just/
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TIL If you eat two pieces of string they will come out tied together

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ka6is/til_if_you_eat_two_pieces_of_string_they_will/
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My roommates are concerned that I'm using all their kitchen utensils..

but that's a whisk i'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ka6e9/my_roommates_are_concerned_that_im_using_all/
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity

Twice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ka2fb/chuck_norris_counted_to_infinity/
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An In-Law Joke brought to you by the frustrations of the Holiday Season

You know, the worst thing about in-laws is the creepy and uncomfortable things you find out about them as time goes on.
For example: I now know my mother-in-law is into both incest AND anal.
Because she's always up my wife's ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ka2b9/an_inlaw_joke_brought_to_you_by_the_frustrations/
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Two hunters are out in the woods...

When suddenly one of the men collapses. Shocked, the other man quickly calls 911 and exclaims, "Please help me, my friend is dead!".
The operator responds, "Sir try calm down, I need you to make sure your friend is actually dead"...
A few seconds later a gunshot can be heard through the call.
And the man says, "Okay, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ka0ko/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods/
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If you cross your fingers after surgery you'll heal faster

Or maybe that's just super stichin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9xah/if_you_cross_your_fingers_after_surgery_youll/
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Which mafia boss came with all the dlc?

John Goty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9wxj/which_mafia_boss_came_with_all_the_dlc/
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So a pirate walks into a bar,

he has a steering wheel on his crotch.
The bartender goes: "What are you doing with that thing?"
The pirate responds: "Arr, its been drivin' me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9wpp/so_a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did Lamar give money to Kobe?

Because Lamar Odom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9wf1/why_did_lamar_give_money_to_kobe/
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Why has Hillary Clinton ask Santa for a 23 letter alphabet?

Because she's sick of F.B.I

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9wdo/why_has_hillary_clinton_ask_santa_for_a_23_letter/
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I always looked up to my Grandad... I especially remember his last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9vxn/i_always_looked_up_to_my_grandad_i_especially/
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How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9two/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.  The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9tgu/this_is_the_dirty_joke_my_85yo_grandad_told_to/
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A man walks in to a Persian rug store

He approaches the rugs to inspect the material they are made of. He lets out a fart and then hurriedly looks around to see if anyone heard; he sees no one looking his way and relaxes a little.
Interested in purchasing a rug, he approaches a sales clerk and asks for the price of the rug.
The sales clerk says, "Pal, if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit your pants when you hear the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9rve/a_man_walks_in_to_a_persian_rug_store/
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Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone.

It could have been a real game changer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9ppb/too_bad_anne_frank_never_watched_home_alone/
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How does good king Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp, and even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9oax/how_does_good_king_wenceslas_like_his_pizza/
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Hero of the Soviet Union

[[ Here's a joke from Soviet Russia. "Hero of the Soviet Union" was the highest distinction awarded. ]]
A fisherman catches a wish-granting goldfish. The goldfish tells him to wish for anything.
"I want to be a Hero of the Soviet Union", he says.
A moment later, the fisherman finds himself in Kursk. There are 5 Panzers approaching, and he has three grenades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9nm3/hero_of_the_soviet_union/
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Santa is stressed...

Many years ago on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is preparing for his big day tomorrow but nothing is goin well. Half the reindeer are sick, the elves are behind on their work and Mrs Claus' mother-in-law just arrived for the week.
But then an angel appeared at Santa's door with a Christmas tree just for him.
Santa answered the door to find the angel in front of him. Smiling the angel said to Santa
"I found this tree to brighten up your Christmas, now where would you like me to put it?"
And that is how to tradition of the angel at the top of the tree started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9nfb/santa_is_stressed/
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Bill complained to his friend that his elbow hurt, so his friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything.

He said ''Just insert a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he inserted the sample and deposited the $10. After a pause, the computer popped out a slip of paper.
It said "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening, Bill began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and hair samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, inserted the sample and waited in anticipation. The computer, after a pause, printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9nd5/bill_complained_to_his_friend_that_his_elbow_hurt/
%
Radio station contest

A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Dave: "Goan... spelled, G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Dave: "Goan f$&k yourself!"
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, my name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Jeff: "Smee... spelled S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Jeff: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9m1t/radio_station_contest/
%
The Jedi know what we're getting for Christmas

They have sensed our presents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9lpt/the_jedi_know_what_were_getting_for_christmas/
%
Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace we should always finish things we start

and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum i luvum. An hava Marry Crispmouse...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9l71/heard_a_dr_on_tv_say_to_have_inner_peace_we/
%
if you added the letters S and E to the X files

it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9i62/if_you_added_the_letters_s_and_e_to_the_x_files/
%
A man goes to the pharmacy...

A man goes to the pharmacy, walks up to the counter, and tells the druggist, "I have three girls coming to my place tonight. I've never been with more than one. I need something to keep me sexually aroused." The druggist unlocks the bottom drawer and pulls out a strongbox. He unlocks the padlock to reveal a bunch of little boxes, and says, "One of these will keep you going for a whole day."
The customer says, "I'll take three." He pays for them a walks out.
Three days later the man returns to the pharmacy. His penis is dangling out of his pants. It's black and blue, covered with scabs, with flaps of skin hanging off of it. He walks up to the counter and asks the druggist, "Do you have any Ben Gay?"
The shocked druggist replies, "You're not going to use Ben Gay on that!"
"No," the man said, "The Ben Gay's for my arms. The girls never showed up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9gjo/a_man_goes_to_the_pharmacy/
%
What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall?

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9ej7/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_swam_into_a_cement/
%
How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

There's really no sure way to know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9eio/how_many_agnostics_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Why is it weird that the Jews killed Jesus?

They love prophets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9djw/why_is_it_weird_that_the_jews_killed_jesus/
%
How to make a charity

1. find someone in need
2. Create an organization and donate all revenue to said someone
3. ???
4. nonprofit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9ceo/how_to_make_a_charity/
%
Ever tried African food?

Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9c8r/ever_tried_african_food/
%
I live with my wife in a two story house...

"I'm too tired" and "I have a headache" are the only two stories I hear...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9axj/i_live_with_my_wife_in_a_two_story_house/
%
Have you heard about the stolen shipment of viagra?

Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k9asm/have_you_heard_about_the_stolen_shipment_of_viagra/
%
8 Days’ Worth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k98vl/8_days_worth/
%
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris

You'd be in Seine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k97oh/if_you_jumped_off_the_bridge_in_paris/
%
My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out

because Santa didn't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k96j2/my_girlfriend_left_me_6_weeks_ago_because_she/
%
I tried wrapping all the presents this year

But I just don't have the gift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k95y4/i_tried_wrapping_all_the_presents_this_year/
%
There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.

There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...
They buried her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k94ud/there_was_a_cruise_ship_that_ended_up_sinking/
%
I was tickling my brothers feet last night...

...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k943o/i_was_tickling_my_brothers_feet_last_night/
%
A husband says to his wife "I bet you can't tell me something that will make men both happy and sad."

She says, "You have the biggest penis out of all of your friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k91a8/a_husband_says_to_his_wife_i_bet_you_cant_tell_me/
%
They arrested a strange man coming down my chimney last night...

They said they had probable Claus.
---
Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays reddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k90vx/they_arrested_a_strange_man_coming_down_my/
%
Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?

Because Dec 25 is Oct  31

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k90cq/why_do_programmers_always_mix_up_christmas_and/
%
Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

now if i were a diamond ring, where would i hide ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8zc4/knowing_how_to_pick_locks_has_really_opened_a_lot/
%
How do you cut the sea in half?

With a seesaw (I'll see myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8xtq/how_do_you_cut_the_sea_in_half/
%
Im going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'...

...Because you want the truth, but you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8toa/im_going_to_nickname_my_penis_the_truth/
%
Why did the snowman smile?

...because he saw the snowblower coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8rzz/why_did_the_snowman_smile/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8pbl/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
%
Two bad drivers, a man and woman, crashed into each other on a countryside road.

The woman luckily suffered no major injuries and so rushed to the man's vehicle before opening his car door and sitting in the passenger seat.
'Are you alright sir?' the woman asked. 'I'm incredibly sorry.'
'I'm fine, honey, thanks,' he replied. The woman was relieved, but the man still seemed very flustered.
In the woman's purse was a small bottle of brandy.
'Would you like a sip, sir? It'll calm your nerves,' asked the lady.
'Go on then,' the man replied before taking a few glugs from the bottle.
'Would you like any?' said the man, his head now a bit cooler.
'I think I'm fine for now,' said the woman. 'I think I'll wait for the cops to decide who's fault the crash was first.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8ouz/two_bad_drivers_a_man_and_woman_crashed_into_each/
%
One time Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 47 people

Then the grenade exploded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8nnt/one_time_chuck_norris_threw_a_grenade_and_killed/
%
What do you call a communist sniper

A Marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8jxo/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
How do you comfort a grammar nazi?

Pat him or her on the back and say, "Their, they're..."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8hf9/how_do_you_comfort_a_grammar_nazi/
%
What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands?

Canta Plaus.
Source: https://youtu.be/44aiB0vB36Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8hbu/what_would_santa_claus_be_called_if_he_had_no/
%
So a child is going through his mom's purse & takes out her driver's license...

His mom catches him reading it and just mildly scolds him.
The kid says "but I learned so much about you from it".
She says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"Well, says the kid... "I know your age now"
"and what is that?" asks his mother
"You're old" says the kid
"and i learned your height"
"Which is?' says the mother
"Your really tall" he says
"Well, yes, i am tall for a woman"
"and, i learned your weight" he says
"and what is that?" asks the mother
"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says
the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"
"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"
"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"
"Because, you got an 'F' in sex"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8gn7/so_a_child_is_going_through_his_moms_purse_takes/
%
A priest asked a convicted murderer at the electric chair:

"Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replied the murderer "will you please hold my hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8gbw/a_priest_asked_a_convicted_murderer_at_the/
%
My black friend asked me...

My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library.
I said "What the fuck man it's, 2016, you can use whatever printer you want".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8fpe/my_black_friend_asked_me/
%
I used to think drinking alcohol was bad for me...

So I gave up thinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8dsg/i_used_to_think_drinking_alcohol_was_bad_for_me/
%
TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves

Ohh wait they can knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8d6d/til_ropes_can_pass_through_themselves/
%
The Alzheimer's Society has a special greeting for us all today:

Happy Easter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8d5a/the_alzheimers_society_has_a_special_greeting_for/
%
So a couple have a baby boy..

They name him Bobby, he's healthy, but was born with the most severe case of tetra-amelia ever documented, he wasn't just missing his arms and legs but his entire body, yeah, amazingly the kid was just a head. The medical world is baffled but somehow he survives and manages to live a reasonably normal life despite his disability. The years go by and before they know it It's his 13th birthday, his parents throw him a party and invite all his friends. There's music and party food and all the usual stuff and of course a cake. They all sing happy birthday as he blows out the candles and makes his wish, his parents put their present down in front of him and say "Happy birthday Bobby! We hope you like it!" Bobby looks at the box and back at his parents and says "It's not another fucking hat is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8c55/so_a_couple_have_a_baby_boy/
%
My girlfriend said she liked surprises.

But you should have seen her face when I told her I have chlamydia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8bos/my_girlfriend_said_she_liked_surprises/
%
Two Scotsmen are sitting on a hill.

They are drinking some beer and reminiscing about their youth.
"Macalister, look at our town, I've built a third of those building, so many would be homeless without  my work, but do they call me Shamus the builder?"
"No Shamus they don't." Replied his friend.
So they sit on the hill a while longer, sipping their beer.  Till Shamus breaks the silence.
"Macalister, I go to church every Sunday,
Tithed my wages, read the scripture nightly and say grace before every meal, but do they call me Shamus the Pious?"
"No Shamus they don't. "Replied his friend.
So they sit for a while longer, it's getting late, Macalister gets up to leave when Shamus says.
"Macalister, even now, in my age, I still sow my seeds, and reap my harvest, my wheat feeds this town Macalister, but do they call me Shamus the farmer?"
"No Shamus they don't." Replied his friend
"But ya screw ONE GOAT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8aft/two_scotsmen_are_sitting_on_a_hill/
%
Once there was a penguin on his way to Arizona for a holiday. On his way, he noticed that his car had high oil pressure so he stopped to see what the problem was.

On realizing that his car had an oil leak he
pulls into the next town to a garage. While it is
being fixed  he decides to look around the town.
Being a penguin, he decides that a nice cold
ice-cream could be good, but not having any hands
he gets himself into quite a mess trying to eat
it with his little flippers.
When he goes back to the garage to pick up his
car, he asks the mechanic "What's the problem?"
The mechanic looks up and says "Looks like you
blew a seal"
"Oh, no, no," the penguin replies looking
embarrassed "That's just ice-cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k8a18/once_there_was_a_penguin_on_his_way_to_arizona/
%
Argon walks into a bar

The bartender says "sorry we don't serve noble gasses here"
Argon doesn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k89mm/argon_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k89k4/last_night_i_went_to_a_comedy_and_philosophy/
%
Why did the police arrest the Christmas goose?

They suspected it of fowl play.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k88ey/why_did_the_police_arrest_the_christmas_goose/
%
I tried starting a food rental business once

but nobody returned their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k84x1/i_tried_starting_a_food_rental_business_once/
%
What's the difference between my abs and my mother-in-law?

Unfortunately, I won't be seeing my abs over Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k84kc/whats_the_difference_between_my_abs_and_my/
%
What kind of fruit isn't allowed to get married?

A cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k815z/what_kind_of_fruit_isnt_allowed_to_get_married/
%
Last year I was quite miserable and depressed, so I made it my new year's resolution to turn that around.

Thanks 2016, you helped me achieve my goal and made me depressed and miserable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7z88/last_year_i_was_quite_miserable_and_depressed_so/
%
What do you call a number that can't keep still?

A roamin numeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7xkm/what_do_you_call_a_number_that_cant_keep_still/
%
A boy asks a girl to the prom and she says yes.

He goes to organise a limo at the rental limo place and due to everyone else wanting a limo for the prom he has to wait in line for ages to get one.
He then goes to the flower store to buy her some flowers but again everyone is there buying flowers and he's stuck in line for seems like hours.
After flowers he goes to get his tuxedo at the store and the line is huge again with everyone else getting their tux's too.
He finally makes it to the prom with his date, they arrive and he asks if she wants to go onto the dance floor. She says "I'm a little thirsty, can I get some punch first?" He says "ok" and goes up to get some punch and there is no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7wl6/a_boy_asks_a_girl_to_the_prom_and_she_says_yes/
%
A blonde, a redhead, & a brunette are about to be executed

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are about to be executed by firing squad.  Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde hollers, "FIRE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7wf2/a_blonde_a_redhead_a_brunette_are_about_to_be/
%
What does earth say to the other planets?

You have no life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7vzd/what_does_earth_say_to_the_other_planets/
%
I think I am going to buy a whiteboard....

They're simply remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7vdg/i_think_i_am_going_to_buy_a_whiteboard/
%
This morning I said to the mirror: "You will go there now and you will ask the girl you like out!"

My mirror then went there and asked the girl I like out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7uks/this_morning_i_said_to_the_mirror_you_will_go/
%
What did the cowboy say upon entering the German dealership?

"Audi"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7tug/what_did_the_cowboy_say_upon_entering_the_german/
%
I have decided to write all of my jokes in capitals from now on...

This one was written in Tokyo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7t1l/i_have_decided_to_write_all_of_my_jokes_in/
%
Dear santa...

Dear santa, this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7qp0/dear_santa/
%
My girlfriend walked in on me putting on a condom.

She said, "What are you doing?"
I said, "Wrapping your Christmas present!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7n1h/my_girlfriend_walked_in_on_me_putting_on_a_condom/
%
Choose a new password:

potato
Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.
boiled potato
Sorry, password must contain at least one number.
1 boiled potato
Sorry, password cannot contain spaces
50fuckingboiledpotatoes
Sorry, password must contain capital letters.
50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes
Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.
IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.
NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account. Choose a new password :

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7k4z/choose_a_new_password/
%
The rotation of the earth.

It really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7jy3/the_rotation_of_the_earth/
%
Welcome to Christmas, we've got gold and frankincense...

But wait, there's myrrh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7jg5/welcome_to_christmas_weve_got_gold_and/
%
A man visits the clinic

A man visited a clinic one day, the man looked  straight into the nurses eyes and asked" Nurses aren't supposed to laugh, right?"
"Of course I won't laugh. I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Alright then" the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing.
A few minutes later she was able to calm herself.
"Forgive me" said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me.
On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen" the man replied.
Things went downhill from there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7jfd/a_man_visits_the_clinic/
%
You can't compare Tim Cook and Donald Trump

It's like comparing apples to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7izh/you_cant_compare_tim_cook_and_donald_trump/
%
Whats the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?

you get your palm read for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7hpq/whats_the_best_part_about_fingering_a_gypsy_on/
%
Why did the console gamer faint when they visited the art gallery

There were too many frames

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7hnl/why_did_the_console_gamer_faint_when_they_visited/
%
A mom is breastfeeding her baby twins.

One day, one of the twins realized that there is more milk coming from the breast where his twin sibling is feeding on. Because of extreme jealousy, he put poison on that specific breast while everyone is asleep.
The next day, the twins' uncle died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7hcd/a_mom_is_breastfeeding_her_baby_twins/
%
What is another name for Santa's elves?

Subordinate Clauses!
Merry Christmas everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7g3g/what_is_another_name_for_santas_elves/
%
What do you call an old snowman?

Water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7d11/what_do_you_call_an_old_snowman/
%
What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeño business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k7cho/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
%
What's the only positive from living in the ghetto?

Pregnancy tests

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k796j/whats_the_only_positive_from_living_in_the_ghetto/
%
Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...

Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k73xd/heard_they_werent_celebrating_christmas_at_the/
%
I like my beer the way I like my violence.

Domestic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k71rm/i_like_my_beer_the_way_i_like_my_violence/
%
Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k716l/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
What does a hippy say when you tell him to get off your couch?

Namaste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k709u/what_does_a_hippy_say_when_you_tell_him_to_get/
%
What is the biggest difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa stops at three Ho's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6znc/what_is_the_biggest_difference_between_tiger/
%
Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being
whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see
the next room. The next room has a middle aged
guy being tortured with fire.
The new guy immediately asks to see the third
room. It has an really old guy chained to the
wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.
The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on
the shoulder and says "Okay, you can stop now.
You've been relieved."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6uzx/guy_goes_to_hell_and_is_met_by_the_devil_who/
%
Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip

and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6ui2/wife_arrives_home_late_at_night_from_a_business/
%
How many optometrist does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1... or 2?? Or 1? Or 2?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6u1p/how_many_optometrist_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Who hasn't had Somalian food?

Somalian children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6tcn/who_hasnt_had_somalian_food/
%
English

If you ever have trouble remembering the difference between "lead" and "lead", just remember that "lead" sounds like "read" and "lead" sounds like "read".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6tbq/english/
%
I met a refugee on the train today.

"What country are you from?", I asked.
"Iraq", he replied.
"How did you escape?"
i ran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6s15/i_met_a_refugee_on_the_train_today/
%
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing

when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6ru7/two_men_are_playing_golf_one_of_them_is_about_to/
%
A little girl says to her mother, "Mommy, I want to be a feminist when i grow up"

Her mother replies, "Well pick one, Honey. You can't do both."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6qvv/a_little_girl_says_to_her_mother_mommy_i_want_to/
%
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday/

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin ?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6qv1/a_wife_decides_to_take_her_husband_to_a_strip/
%
You should never trust a Scottish tailor.

It'll get you kilt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6qpq/you_should_never_trust_a_scottish_tailor/
%
My toothpaste says it guarantees whiteness within two weeks..

Yet after two weeks I'm still asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6n27/my_toothpaste_says_it_guarantees_whiteness_within/
%
TIL there's a subreddit dedicated to all the times an OP doesn't deliver

Link in the comments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6ltn/til_theres_a_subreddit_dedicated_to_all_the_times/
%
What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

Hypothermia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6j0a/what_did_the_homeless_man_get_for_christmas/
%
Here's to spending the rest of me life between the sumptuous legs of me big breasted wife!

Let me tell you about the best toast of the night. It was won by a fine Irish lad, John O'Reilly, who hoisted his ale and said "here's to spending the rest of me life... between the sumptuous legs of me big breasted wife!" The men cheered and gave him a trophy. When John returned home that night, drunk as a skunk, his wife demanded to know what the trophy was for. "Mary," John said, "I won the trophy for the best toast of the night. Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me beautiful wife."
Well the next day Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies. Staring at her massive boobs, the man said, "So Mary, did ye hear john won the trophy the other night at the pub with a toast about you?" "Aye, he told me," Mary said, "and I was A bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the last time I had to pull him by the ears just to make him come!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6i9u/heres_to_spending_the_rest_of_me_life_between_the/
%
Apparently filling animals with helium is "abuse", pfft

Whatever floats your goat, I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6ho5/apparently_filling_animals_with_helium_is_abuse/
%
I sat on the edge of my bed, gently tugging off my boxers... ;)

My wife thinks I spoil those dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6fqm/i_sat_on_the_edge_of_my_bed_gently_tugging_off_my/
%
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter-pounder with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6eqh/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_with_a_yeast/
%
This year, my family and I are having a 'Brexit-themed' Christmas dinner...

It's the same as a regular Christmas dinner, but without the Brussels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6e6x/this_year_my_family_and_i_are_having_a/
%
A recent study showed that 93% of the people in Detroit have had shower sex

The other 7% have not been to jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6d28/a_recent_study_showed_that_93_of_the_people_in/
%
My favorite Jesus joke

Jesus had just been crucified and a crowd was gathering near the cross. Among the crowd was Peter, silently praying.
Suddenly Peter heard someone whisper "Hey, Peter". Confused, Peter looked around to see who was talking. He didn't see anyone who would be talking to him so he went back to praying. Again he heard the whisper, "Hey, Peter!"
He looked up at the cross and saw it was Jesus talking. Then he hears "Peter! Come here!" As Peter starts walking to the cross people began to throw rocks at him because they didn't want him trying to take Jesus down.
One rock catches him in the head and he falls to the ground bleeding. Yet still he hears "Peter get up here". So he starts crawling to to the foot of the cross. When he reaches the cross he gets on his knees, looks up at Jesus and asks "Yes Lord? What is it you ask of me in your time of need?"
Jesus looks down on his disciple and says "Did you know I can see your house from here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k69q9/my_favorite_jesus_joke/
%
A termite walks into a bar...

And he asks, "is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k68pr/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I can't see the haters.

- Helen Keller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6512/i_cant_see_the_haters/
%
What's better than a paradox?

A pair of nurses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k63j8/whats_better_than_a_paradox/
%
What do you call a retarted fish

A dum bass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k62ja/what_do_you_call_a_retarted_fish/
%
I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k61fg/i_kept_pulling_the_string_from_my_christmas_hat/
%
What's the best way to attract a pervert?

The NSFW tag, you freak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k6031/whats_the_best_way_to_attract_a_pervert/
%
What do Lady Diana and Pink Floyd have in common

Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5zos/what_do_lady_diana_and_pink_floyd_have_in_common/
%
A truck driver stops at a brothel...

He walks up to the Madame, hands her $1000 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a dry turkey sandwich!"
The Madame responds, "Well my dear, for that amount of money you can have two of my best girls and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen woman, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5xx4/a_truck_driver_stops_at_a_brothel/
%
Why is the dyslexic afraid of Christmas?

Because that's when Satan comes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5wvf/why_is_the_dyslexic_afraid_of_christmas/
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This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays

After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5wgg/this_guy_goes_into_a_restaurant_for_a_christmas/
%
I like my coffee like my humor.

I drink tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5u2i/i_like_my_coffee_like_my_humor/
%
John Cena wakes up in a hospital

Cena:"Where am I?"
Nurse:"ICU"
Cena:"No you don't "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5ti1/john_cena_wakes_up_in_a_hospital/
%
My parents are so poor....

If I dont wake up with a boner Christmas morning I'll have nothing to play with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5rej/my_parents_are_so_poor/
%
A salmon is swimming up a river

. It hits a wall. Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5odq/a_salmon_is_swimming_up_a_river/
%
What does the Pope and a Christmas tree have in common?

The balls are for decoration only

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5jb0/what_does_the_pope_and_a_christmas_tree_have_in/
%
What goes down an alley and has three holes in it?

Batman's Parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5hj5/what_goes_down_an_alley_and_has_three_holes_in_it/
%
What kind of food can't blind people eat?

Seafood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5hgi/what_kind_of_food_cant_blind_people_eat/
%
Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?

Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.
He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.
This diet also gave him very bad breath.
This made him...
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5ffx/yknow_mahatma_gandhi/
%
A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5dqv/a_burglar_broke_into_a_house_one_night/
%
Merry Christmas..

Or Happy Heineken, as the case may be ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5djw/merry_christmas/
%
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

No one knows, he hasn't opened his presents yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5dho/what_did_the_kid_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
%
Why Don't Santa Claus and Misses Claus have children?

Because Santa only comes once a year and when he does its down the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5cnm/why_dont_santa_claus_and_misses_claus_have/
%
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar...

The bartender shows them the door and says,
“Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5cjc/c_eflat_and_g_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What does a suburban neighbourhood do if there's a blackout?

They lock their doors and windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5bz2/what_does_a_suburban_neighbourhood_do_if_theres_a/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*SLURP*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5at5/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Why don't we call it Christlmas?

Noel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5ar2/why_dont_we_call_it_christlmas/
%
2 blondes fell into a hole

The first one said "*Its dark in here,isn't it?*"
The second one said"*I don't know,I cant see.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5ad2/2_blondes_fell_into_a_hole/
%
Dear math, stop telling me to find your X

Their not coming back, grow up and solve your own problems

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5a88/dear_math_stop_telling_me_to_find_your_x/
%
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k59l6/what_is_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeve/
%
The only 'B' word you should ever call a woman....

Is beautiful.
Bitches love being called beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k592g/the_only_b_word_you_should_ever_call_a_woman/
%
Husband passes away with an erection....

A man passes away while making love to his wife. While at the funeral home, the staff has a problem hiding this. They call his wife and explain the situation. She suggests tying it to his leg. They tell her that they tried this, but his leg lifted up. She suggests tying it to his belly. They tried that too, but he sat up. Frustrated, she tells them to cut it off and shove it up his butt. The staff shrugs their shoulders, and does just that. Everything seems fine. At the end of the viewing, after all of the family and friends have paid their respects, the wife is sitting quietly alone with her husband, when she notices a tear in the corner of his eye. She leans over and whispers "You see, you son-of-a-bitch!. It does hurt!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k58z9/husband_passes_away_with_an_erection/
%
A white man is at a urinal..

He is urinating beside this big muscly 6'4 black man and cant help but look down. To his amazement he witnesses a monster cock and cant help but ask the black man how that was possible. "Im sorry but how is it that big?!" He said in awe. The black man replied "when i was young i used to tie weights to it to stretch it out".
The white man didnt have time to stretch it over years so just decided to tie a cinderblock to his penis.
A week later by chance he meets the black man again and says to him "by the way thank you for your advice, the stretching is working amazingly! It has turned black already!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k57ue/a_white_man_is_at_a_urinal/
%
My favourite joke ever

So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k57d3/my_favourite_joke_ever/
%
A pretty poor man man walks into a bar.

He goes and sits at the bar before turning to the bar man.
'I only got a pound on me mate, anything I can get with that?'
'No,' says the bar man. 'But you can attempt a challenge for free drinks for the rest of the night.'
The poor man was up for it.
'Ok, so I'm gonna hook you up to this lie detector and you gotta try and make it get the wrong answer.' The bar man instructed.
So the poor man got hooked up to the lie detector.
'Off you go,' said the bar man.
'This lie detector will tell you that this is a lie.'
Nobody survived the following explosion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k5792/a_pretty_poor_man_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Not only is my new thesaurus terrible...

It's also terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k54wc/not_only_is_my_new_thesaurus_terrible/
%
How are the police and bathrooms alike?

They're both minutes away when seconds count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k519e/how_are_the_police_and_bathrooms_alike/
%
A 4th grade kid walks into the kitchen

Kid: Mom I have the biggest penis in class. Is it because I'm black?
Mom: No its because you're 17.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k509o/a_4th_grade_kid_walks_into_the_kitchen/
%
Once upon a time, squirrels terrorized a small church in Massachusetts

Nothing the townspeople did could stop them. The squirrels disrupted church services and everybody was on edge during church, what with the constant running and biting and chewing on personal belongings.
They tried traps, poison, releasing cats into the aisles, but to no avail. The squirrels tripped the traps without getting caught, avoided the poison, and scared away all the cats.
The old pastor of the local church moved  away out of fear of the squirrels. The church got a new pastor, a young fellow,  who was full of ideas for the church and how to help the town.
It didn't take him long to figure out the main problem was the squirrels. They were there day and night, biting people and chattering at all hours.
The pastor knew almost at once what to do. He held a church service and invited all the squirrels. He had them all baptized and made them full members of the church. Now they only see the squirrels Christmas and Easter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4tmn/once_upon_a_time_squirrels_terrorized_a_small/
%
Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.
“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.
“They’re Carol’s.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4sv5/entrance_to_heaven/
%
How do you outrun a Jewish cop?

Take the toll road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4s10/how_do_you_outrun_a_jewish_cop/
%
Friends- please be careful this Christmas

Yesterday I went to a Christmas party.I had a few beers,followed by a few cocktails,followed by a few shots... I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit.That's when I decided to do what I have never done before:I took a cab home.
Sure enough,there was a police road block on the way home,and since it was a cab,they waved it past.I arrived home safely without incident.
This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before.I don't even know where I got it from and,now that is in my garage,I don't know what to do with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4ry6/friends_please_be_careful_this_christmas/
%
How to tell someone they have a bad breath nicely ?

"Oh boy I am bored lets brush our teeth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4riy/how_to_tell_someone_they_have_a_bad_breath_nicely/
%
Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes

"Let's eat punctuation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4res/punctuation_can_really_change_a_sentence_for/
%
Pakistan makes nuclear threat in response to fake news

The struggle Israel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4rbs/pakistan_makes_nuclear_threat_in_response_to_fake/
%
A new study has shown LSD causes new users to lose weight.

Obviously, You can eat while there's a dragon gaurding your fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4qmj/a_new_study_has_shown_lsd_causes_new_users_to/
%
I was struggling to figure out how lightning works

Then it struck me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4ogq/i_was_struggling_to_figure_out_how_lightning_works/
%
Getting my dad some strong aftershave and a cigarette lighter for Christmas.

Can't wait to see his face light up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4n3b/getting_my_dad_some_strong_aftershave_and_a/
%
In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to regift this joke.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4lrg/in_the_spirit_of_christmas_ive_decided_to_regift/
%
/r/Jokes won the International Green Awards!

97% recycled content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4lpe/rjokes_won_the_international_green_awards/
%
There are two secrets to success

1. Never tell anyone all of your secrets
2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4k7c/there_are_two_secrets_to_success/
%
Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4hyg/who_wears_a_red_suit_and_knows_if_you_were/
%
How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.
P.S.: Sorry if repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4g4a/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
One guy says to his friend "Hey ask me about my funny clock joke"

The other guy doesn't ask. He waits around a week then finally says "Hey, tell me that clock joke you mentioned a week ago."
The first guy exclaimed:
"Finally! It's about time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4fx8/one_guy_says_to_his_friend_hey_ask_me_about_my/
%
What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A pineapple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4dsm/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_a_christmas_tree/
%
I just caught an alien maturbating in my freezer.

He looked up at me and said, "I cum in peas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4dqn/i_just_caught_an_alien_maturbating_in_my_freezer/
%
Sweden runs out of trash to recycle...

... Where's PewDiePie when you need him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4av5/sweden_runs_out_of_trash_to_recycle/
%
A man is headed home from work late at night

He's sitting at the bus stop like he does every night when he hears a loud "CLANK... CLANK... CLANK..."  He looks up from his phone and sees a coffin slowly walking towards him. Confused, he stands there for a little longer. The coffin continues to walk towards him but much quicker now. The man begins to panic and takes off running. While he's running all he can hear is the loud "CLANK! CLANK! CLANK!" The coffin is running after him. The man ducks through alleys and turns the corner to his street. He sees his house in the distance but he feels the coffin closing in on him. He bursts through his front door and runs up the stairs to his room. He locks the door and braces for the worst. After what felt like an eternity in silence he hears a booming "BANG!!" on the door. The coffin breaks into the room and charges the man. The man looks around for anything he can find to defend himself. He finds a bottle of cough syrup on the night stand and hurls it at the the coffin. And the coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k49fj/a_man_is_headed_home_from_work_late_at_night/
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What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't arrive on time?

One day my prints will come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k48rl/what_did_cinderella_say_when_her_photos_didnt/
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What's the worst thing to say to a hipster?

You remind me of someone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4858/whats_the_worst_thing_to_say_to_a_hipster/
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Ever wondered why starwars episode 4,5 and 6 came before episode 1,2 and 3.

Because, incharge of scheduling Yoda was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k463g/ever_wondered_why_starwars_episode_45_and_6_came/
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Why do black people smell bad?

So blind people can hate them too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k45yh/why_do_black_people_smell_bad/
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10 ways to avoid clickbait!

Well, that wasn't one of them..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k4396/10_ways_to_avoid_clickbait/
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Am I able to think up of a brand new color...

...or will it just be a pigment of my imagination?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k42cg/am_i_able_to_think_up_of_a_brand_new_color/
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What is one food guaranteed to lower a women's sex drive?

Wedding cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3xrq/what_is_one_food_guaranteed_to_lower_a_womens_sex/
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A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor.

Other patrons decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. They prop him up and assist him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. They finally carry him to his front door and ring the doorbell. His wife opens the door. "Here's your husband!" the good Samaritans exclaim proudly. "Thank you, but where's his wheelchair?" asks the wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3wn6/a_drunk_is_in_a_bar_lying_on_the_floor/
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

...Beast is gonna be pissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3w42/beauty_is_in_the_eye_of_the_beholder/
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One day, 2 Jews were hanging around

They found a notice outside a church. It said: Get converted and get $50.
The first Jew went inside. When he came outside, his friend asked "So did you get the $50?"
The boy replied: "You Jews only care about money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3w28/one_day_2_jews_were_hanging_around/
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Four old friends go golfing...

One friend goes to pay for the round while the other three start chatting about their sons.
Friend 1: My son is a stock broker. He's so successful that he just gave one of his friends a free stock portfolio!
Friend 2: My son owns a Tesla dealership and is doing so well he just gave one of his friends a free car!
Friend 3: My son owns his own real estate agency and is so successful that he just gave one of his friends a free three story house!
The fourth friend walks over and they ask him about his son.
He says, "I'm not gonna lie to you guys. My son is gay, and he works as a stripper at a gay bar. He's doing great though. His last three boyfriends gave him a stock portfolio, a car, and a house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3ud6/four_old_friends_go_golfing/
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Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye,

Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3rwo/use_chemicals_to_remove_polish_and_no_one_bats_an/
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Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3rk8/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_two_doors/
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What do you call a sunburnt santa?

Crisp Cringle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3qsc/what_do_you_call_a_sunburnt_santa/
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Did you hear about that mexican murdering train driver?

He had locomotives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3qa0/did_you_hear_about_that_mexican_murdering_train/
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Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get some air-con"
"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"
"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"
"Yeah, I've got a mate Francis"
"Well, ask your mate Francis to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Dave asks Francis for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Francis fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.
Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Francis, who is now shagging Dave's wife.
Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"
Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Francis?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3og0/dave_cannot_make_his_wife_cum/
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I should start a store that sells wheat and beans.

It would be called "Gluten And Tootin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3o4n/i_should_start_a_store_that_sells_wheat_and_beans/
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When the fly drops 6 inches

So there's this fly, hovering above a river. Inside this river is a fish. The fish sees the fly hovering up above him and thinks, if that fly drops six inches I could swim up and eat it and have me some lunch.
Meanwhile off in the distance, a bear walks by. He sees the fish and he sees the fly and thinks, man if that fly dropped six inches then that fish would come swimming up to eat that fly and I could run out to get that fish and I could have me some lunch.
Well just upstream is a hunter sitting on a log eating his lunch. He suddenly sees the bear hiding behind a bush, sees the fish, sees the fly, and thinks... if that fly would just drop six inches the fish would swim up for the fly and the bear would run out for the fish exposing itself, so I can shoot it and get some dinner.
Just then a little mouse pokes its head out of his hole. The mouse sees the sandwich that the hunter is eating, sees the bear, sees the fish, sees the fly, and thinks, if that would drop six inches teen the fish would swim up for the fly, bear would run out for the fish, hunter would drop the sandwich to shoot the bear, I would run out to grab the sandwich, and have me some lunch.
Well it just so happens... a little stray kitten come struttin through the wood. This kitten looks up and sees the mouse, sees the sandwich, sees the hunter, sees the bear, sees the fish, sees the fly and thinks.. damn if that fly would just drop six inches then the fish would swim up for the fly, bear would run out for the fish, hunter would drop the sandwich to shoot the bear, mouse would run out for the sandwich and I could go grab the mouse and have some lunch.
Well the fly dropped six inches. The fish swam up to eat the fly, bear ran out to get the fish, hunter dropped the sandwich to shoot the bear, mouse ran out to get the sandwich, and that little stray kitten ran with all his might at the mouse! In fact the kitten ran so fast that it zipped right overtop of the mouse and fell into the river.
The morel of the story here is that when the fly drops six inches the pussy is bound to get wet ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3nn3/when_the_fly_drops_6_inches/
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A man walks out to the street...

and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong: and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his f****n' wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3lod/a_man_walks_out_to_the_street/
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What Do You Call A Policewoman Who Shaves Her Pubes?

Cuntstubble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3ll7/what_do_you_call_a_policewoman_who_shaves_her/
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Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3l7m/why_is_christmas_just_like_your_job/
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Ho ho ho!

But that's enough about the Kardashians, merry Christmas everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3ksl/ho_ho_ho/
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A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3f4u/a_man_went_to_visit_his_doctor_because_his_arm_is/
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This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him
in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and
gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her
husband in the coffin and he is wearing a
beautiful blue suit.  She tells the director how
much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
"Actually" he said, "it didn't cost anything.
The funniest thing happened.  As soon as you
left, another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit.  I noticed that they were
about the same size, and asked the other widow if
she would mind if her husband were buried in a black
suit.  She said that was fine with her.  So... I
switched the heads"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3bqi/this_woman_goes_into_a_funeral_home_to_make/
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I like my coffee like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3bgx/i_like_my_coffee_like_my_slaves/
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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.

He went through the standard
training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to
take his first jump from an airplane.  The next
day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened.  We got up
in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers.  About a dozen men got
up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet.  Then the sergeant started to grab
the other men one at a time and throw them out
the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that.  Every one else had jumped,
and I was the last man left on the plane.  I told
the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my
butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then.  He tried to push me out of the plane,
but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go.
Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump
Master is this great big guy, about six-foot
five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are
you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too
scared.' "So the Jump Master pulled down his
zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was
about ten inches long and as big around as a
baseball bat!  He said, 'Boy, either you jump out
that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up
your ass.'
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3beh/a_young_man_joined_the_army_and_signed_up_with/
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A very sad day today

After seven years of training in the medical field and a lot of hard work, a dear friend of mine, was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and now he can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This is a real shame. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3avr/a_very_sad_day_today/
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What's the difference between a cow and the Twin Towers?

You can't milk a cow for 15 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3ali/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_the_twin/
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What did the rapper say when he couldn't find his pants?

"Where my knickers at?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k3a0c/what_did_the_rapper_say_when_he_couldnt_find_his/
%
I hate being bipolar

It's awesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k31h9/i_hate_being_bipolar/
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Today I saw two kids fighting in the playground. As a teacher I had to step in...

These fuckers didn't stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k30jw/today_i_saw_two_kids_fighting_in_the_playground/
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Who corrects Santa's grammar?

A subordinate Clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k306z/who_corrects_santas_grammar/
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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

None. German light bulbs are quality products.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2zb4/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"
The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."
When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2yx4/a_woman_is_taken_to_court/
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What do you call a muslim on a plane?

A passenger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2yph/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_on_a_plane/
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I like my jokes how I like my babies.

Stolen and beaten to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2xyh/i_like_my_jokes_how_i_like_my_babies/
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Before sex, you help each other get Unclad. After sex, you dress only yourself.

Moral: In life no one helps you once you're screwed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2xi8/before_sex_you_help_each_other_get_unclad_after/
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What did the scientist say after discovering the medicinal content of homeopathic remedies ?

0mg !!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2v2z/what_did_the_scientist_say_after_discovering_the/
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"What are you getting this Christmas?" asked my friend.

I said, "Fatter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2t0u/what_are_you_getting_this_christmas_asked_my/
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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday/

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin ?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2swc/a_wife_decides_to_take_her_husband_to_a_strip/
%
My drug dealer just bought me a new pair of sneakers for Christmas

I can't tell what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2svd/my_drug_dealer_just_bought_me_a_new_pair_of/
%
Who are the fastest readers ?

9/11 victims, they went through 64 stories in just 8 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2ris/who_are_the_fastest_readers/
%
Not to brag, but I've already had two pretty sweet dates this weekend

I'm surprised how much they added to my smoothie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2qj6/not_to_brag_but_ive_already_had_two_pretty_sweet/
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I changed my password to "incorrect".

So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2p12/i_changed_my_password_to_incorrect/
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What is a cation afraid of?

A dogion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2nhb/what_is_a_cation_afraid_of/
%
A midget and a man are on a bus

The two of them sit next to each other.
When the next stop comes, the midget falls off of the chair, so the man picks him back up.
Another stop comes, and the midget falls again, and again the man picks him up.
On the third stop he of course falls again and this time, the man says:
"Hold on when we get to a stop, you freaking midget!"
The midget replies:
"Can I please leave the bus? I was supposed to get off two stops ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2m5s/a_midget_and_a_man_are_on_a_bus/
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What do you get when you divide 69 by 2?

A lonely man's handjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2m5j/what_do_you_get_when_you_divide_69_by_2/
%
A Teacher asks the students..

"Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?"
Nobody is able to answer
Teacher: "You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer."
The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.
Teacher: "Well, it seems your parents are stupid as well. See the answer is so simple."
Then the teacher makes a circle using his thumb and index finger and keeps it in front of his nostrils.
Teacher: "See, it was so simple, yet nobody was able to answer."
The next day, a student comes up to the teacher and says, "Sir, my father has asked if it's possible to insert 7 holes through one hole?"
Teacher: "No, that's impossible."
Students: "It is possible, my father said."
Teacher : "How?"
Student: "Take a flute and shove it up your ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2k9i/a_teacher_asks_the_students/
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One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2jmr/one_day_a_little_boy_wrote_to_santa_clause_please/
%
I cheated on my girlfriend yesterday

We were playing Monopoly, she left and I stole some money from the bank.
Then I went upstairs and fucked her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2ire/i_cheated_on_my_girlfriend_yesterday/
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How do you burn a lot of calories at once?

Douse a fat person with gasoline and light a match

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2flq/how_do_you_burn_a_lot_of_calories_at_once/
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I got fired from my job at the sperm bank

I said "Get a load of this guy," every time someone walked in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2f8r/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_sperm_bank/
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Why wouldn't Dolores let William eat the corn?

Because the maize isn't meant for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2b9c/why_wouldnt_dolores_let_william_eat_the_corn/
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A duck walks into a hardware store ...

He waddles up to the counter and asks the salesman:
"Excuse me sir, do you have any duck food?"
The salesman: "Sorry, this is a hardware store, no duck food."
The little guy is sad and waddles away.
The next day the duck is back, walks up to the counter and asks the salesman: "Excuse me sir, but do you have any duck food?".
Now the guy gets mad: "This is a hardware store, we DON'T have any duck food. Now get the hell outta here, or I'm gonna nail your flat little feet to the floor!". The poor little guy is shocked and waddles out quickly.
The next day, the duck is back. He walks slowly up to the counter: "Excuse me sir, do you have any nails?".
Taken aback, the guy checks and says "sorry, just sold our last nails."
The duck: "In that case, do you have any duck food?"
(Note: I first heard this in French, my translation, still works!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k2a1o/a_duck_walks_into_a_hardware_store/
%
ISIS Awards Night:

The 2016 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed.
Unfortunately Mohammed can't be with us tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k281a/isis_awards_night/
%
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k23ja/twas_the_night_before_christmas_and_all_through/
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Is anyone going to see the emoji movie?

Heard the main character is really a piece of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k22wm/is_anyone_going_to_see_the_emoji_movie/
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Genders are like the Twin Towers

There used to be two of them and now its a really sensitive subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k22kh/genders_are_like_the_twin_towers/
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Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus

Lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k20mn/gave_my_seat_to_a_blind_man_on_the_bus/
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What's the definition of relative humidity?

Sweat on your balls when you're doing your sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k1yex/whats_the_definition_of_relative_humidity/
%
I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…

Then there was awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k1xbg/i_remember_lying_in_bed_as_a_kid_waiting_for/
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An old joke that my grandad told me.

A rich man had invited a group of friends to his home for dinner. He was very much looking forward to this, but there was one problem: he had a horrible cold, and his nose was running.
He said to his butler, 'Oh Butler, what shall I do? I cannot have my nose running everywhere while there are guests here?', to which the butler replied, 'I have an idea. If your nose is running, I will say 'Johnson's at the door, sir,' and that will give you an excuse to leave the room and wipe your nose.' The man was delighted. 'Genius!' he said, and they planned this for later.
That evening, there was a knock on the door. The man opened the door, to see a woman, his first guest to arrive. They greeted each other, then he invited the woman to the table. Soon after there was another knock on the door, and a man appeared, and he greeted and invited him in, and this continued on until there were a good 6 people at the table.
When it was time to eat, Butler brought out a bowl of soup to everyone. All was well again, until Butler noticed something: the man's nose was beginning to run! 'Eh, Johnson's at the door, sir,' he said, but the man did not notice. 'Johnson's at the door, sir?' he said slightly louder. 'Sir!' he shouted. The man, startled, looked at Butler. 'What ever is wrong, Butler?' he asked. 'Well sir,' Butler said, 'Johnson's in the soup.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k1wv1/an_old_joke_that_my_grandad_told_me/
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What did one orphan say to the other?

"Robin! Get in the batmobile"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k1wlw/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
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What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilo mockingbirds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k1vn2/what_do_you_call_2000_mockingbirds/
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What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k1ugg/what_kind_of_meat_do_priests_eat_on_friday/
%
A guy doesn't go into a bar...

Unaware, the bartender continues serving drinks to other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k1ryt/a_guy_doesnt_go_into_a_bar/
%
John Cena

wakes up and finds himself in a hospital.
Cena: "Where am I?"
Nurse: "ICU."
Cena: "No you don't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k1nu2/john_cena/
%
[Long] A man and his wife are living in a cabin in the woods...

One day, the man goes to the well to get some water for the cabin before going to chop firewood, and clumsily drops his trusty hatchet into the well. The spirit of the well rises and says 'I am the spirit of the well, and help those who lose possesions in my well'. He asks the man what he needs help with and the man says that he dropped his trusted hatchet into the well. Without hesitation, the spirit of the well retrieves several hatchets all encrusted with gold and valuable jewels, but the man says that none of them are *his trusted hatchet*. The spirit of the well, seeing he is a humble man, finally retrieves the mans trusted hatchet. 'I see you are a very humble man, so you may have your hatchet **and** all of the other ones I puled up' says the spirit of the well. The man is very thankful for all his help, and returns to the cabin with a bucket of water, his trusted hatchet, and a wheelbarrow full of valuable hatchets. The next day, the mans wife comes to the well to retrieve some water, but accidentally falls in. Hearing his spouses screams, he runs out to the well, and begs for the spirit to come back. As he reappears, he sees that the mans wife is in danger, so he jumps into action. The spirit of the well ends up pulling out Mila Kunis, Jennifer Lopez, and Kim Kardashian before the man yells '**STOP**, that's the one! thank you for saving her!', but the spirit asks 'Are you sure? I don't think *any* of these are your wife.' to which the man responds with 'I know, but I remember what happened yesterday and I wouldn't know what to do with that many wives!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k1mw2/long_a_man_and_his_wife_are_living_in_a_cabin_in/
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Steven Hawking walks into a bar...

Just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k1lpo/steven_hawking_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why is Santa's sack so big?

It's filled with the "Why is Santa's sack so big?" reposts from r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k1ir8/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k1i8f/what_did_adam_say_to_eve_on_christmas/
%
Yo momma so fat

She has a hard time breathing and walking because of her obesity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k1hrx/yo_momma_so_fat/
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[long]This is a joke from my country

Once upon a time in a far away kingdom, there was a young princess who never left the castle and had no knowlage about the outside world. The king being worried that the princess might never learn about the life outside the castle, asked his court jester 'Anderee' to take the princess out to the countryside and show her around.
So Andree and princess got into a carriage and set off to the countryside. The princess being very naive, was asking Anderee about everything she sees "what is that?"," who is that?".
After about 2 hours in, Anderee started to get annoyed by all the questions.
Suddenly a rabbit jumped infront of the carriage, and the princess asked "what is that?". Anderee screemed "BLOW ME AND I'LL TELL YOU!"
After a while, a deer jumped infront of the carriage, and the princess asked "what is that?". Anderee screemed "BLOW ME AND I'LL TELL YOU!"
Later on a skupperjack jumped infront of the carriage...........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k1ggo/longthis_is_a_joke_from_my_country/
%
TIFU by installing the incorrect speaker parts in my car

Oops, wrong sub!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k18g1/tifu_by_installing_the_incorrect_speaker_parts_in/
%
Meth: All the energy of cocaine...

... with none of the teeth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k17s3/meth_all_the_energy_of_cocaine/
%
Was gonna get a brain transplant

I changed my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k16or/was_gonna_get_a_brain_transplant/
%
Lord of the Rings is symbolic of Marriage

One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k14zi/lord_of_the_rings_is_symbolic_of_marriage/
%
How many Dragon Ball Z episodes does it take to change a lightbulb?

***Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k14wf/how_many_dragon_ball_z_episodes_does_it_take_to/
%
Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?

In the ICU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k13ch/where_is_the_worst_place_to_hide_in_a_hospital/
%
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k111y/a_woman_brought_a_very_limp_duck_into_a/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k103i/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_satanist/
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What's the difference between a regular product and a fancy one?

The regular one says "Made in China".
The fancy one says "Designed in the USA.  Made in China."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0zhl/whats_the_difference_between_a_regular_product/
%
Sex with me Is like the Challenger Mission

It Killed a teachers career

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0z88/sex_with_me_is_like_the_challenger_mission/
%
Have you seen the new documentary about white trash?

I've only seen the trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0x7p/have_you_seen_the_new_documentary_about_white/
%
Steve, Bruce and Jed are working on a telephone tower, when Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of beer you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0v29/steve_bruce_and_jed_are_working_on_a_telephone/
%
Tea is bad for you, drink beer!

Please do NOT drink tea, I repeat do NOT drink tea. I discovered this last night. I had 8 beers until 3AM at the pub while my wife is having tea at home. You should have seen how violent and angry she became when I got home. I was peaceful and silent and headed to bed as she kept shouting at me until morning. It's like she has turned into another person. Folks, tea is not good I'm telling you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0rue/tea_is_bad_for_you_drink_beer/
%
What do call an Asian woman with one leg longer than the other?

Irene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0rlb/what_do_call_an_asian_woman_with_one_leg_longer/
%
I once helped an elderly Japanese man cross the street.

Afterwards he said, "Sank you." So I punched him in the face.
He didn't have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0oq2/i_once_helped_an_elderly_japanese_man_cross_the/
%
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself.
St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.
St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0oow/queen_elizabeth_and_dolly_parton_die_on_the_same/
%
Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0nts/wife_asked_me_to_get_bath_stuff_for_xmas/
%
Why was the cat scared of the tree?

Because of its bark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0mzv/why_was_the_cat_scared_of_the_tree/
%
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't follow you around stalking you after you toss a load in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0mtg/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
%
I used to think the brain was the most important organ

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0fmz/i_used_to_think_the_brain_was_the_most_important/
%
Why is kim jong un such an asshole?

he's mentally il.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0fc8/why_is_kim_jong_un_such_an_asshole/
%
What is Al-Qaeda's favorite football team?

The New York Jets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0bxo/what_is_alqaedas_favorite_football_team/
%
My math teacher called me average

How mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0bo9/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
%
Oldie but a Goodie

A guy sits in his seat on an airplane, red-faced, and turns to the guy next to him. "Oh man. I just made the worst Freudian slip. The ticket agent was really well-endowed and instead of asking her for a ticket to Pittsburg, I asked her for a picket to tittsburg. So embarrassing!"
The guy he's sitting next to says, "Hey buddy. I'm right there with you. This morning I'm eating breakfast with my wife, and instead of saying, 'Honey, could you please pass the cream', I say, 'I hate you, you fucking bitch, you ruined my life.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0b8z/oldie_but_a_goodie/
%
Yo mama so stupid she went to Shop Rite

And shopped wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k09n4/yo_mama_so_stupid_she_went_to_shop_rite/
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A Doctor was performing his annual check-up on a woman...

He noticed she had a strange rash in the shape of an H on her chest.
He asked if she knew were it came from.
She replied, "Oh yes, my husband went to Harvard. He's so proud he never takes off his sweatshirt. Even during sex"
The Doctor is bemused but soon forgets about it.
A week later, another woman comes in with a strange rash in the shape of a Y.
The Doctor asked if she knew were it came from.
She replied, "Oh yes, my husband went to Yale. He's so proud he never takes off his sweatshirt. Even during sex".
The Doctor chuckles to himself.
Later that day, he is examining a third women with the same strange rash in the shape of an M on her chest.
The Doctor says to her, "Let me guess, your husband when to Michigan."
The woman looks confused and replies, "No, but my girlfriend went to Wisconsin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0866/a_doctor_was_performing_his_annual_checkup_on_a/
%
What does the Sixth Sense and the Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k080p/what_does_the_sixth_sense_and_the_titanic_have_in/
%
Being Santa sounds easy... (NSFW)

I've got plenty of experience emptying my sack into socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k0755/being_santa_sounds_easy_nsfw/
%
Congress has been kidnapped...

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k05gc/congress_has_been_kidnapped/
%
I bought my wife a refrigerator for her birthday.

I know it's not the best gift in the world, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k045o/i_bought_my_wife_a_refrigerator_for_her_birthday/
%
2016

That's it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k01ly/2016/
%
What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A-mean-oh acid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k00bx/what_do_you_call_an_acid_with_an_attitude/
%
A grandfather and grandson were standing on hill above town.

The grandfather says, "Peter, you see all those houses? When I first came here I helped build all those houses. Do they call me Michael the House Builder? No."
The grandfather points at a church, "Peter, you see that church? I built that church from the ground up. Do the call me Michael the Church Builder? No."
The grandfather waves his hands around, "You see that entire wall keeping our town safe? I built that. But do they call me Michael the Wall Builder? No!"
The grandfather looks at his grandson and sighs. "But you fuck one pig-!"
-as told by Chris Pratt on CONAN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5k00as/a_grandfather_and_grandson_were_standing_on_hill/
%
What do you call a cow with no sense of humor?

Moody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jzzni/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_sense_of_humor/
%
What's 9 inches long, purple, and I love to shove it down my girlfriend's throat?

Her miscarriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jzz2d/whats_9_inches_long_purple_and_i_love_to_shove_it/
%
When I was a little kid, I would wait up all night waiting for santa to come.

Then there was an awkward silence when he got up, put his pants on, and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jzyab/when_i_was_a_little_kid_i_would_wait_up_all_night/
%
I'm getting my girlfriend a prosthetic leg for Christmas

It's a great stocking-filler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jzy6v/im_getting_my_girlfriend_a_prosthetic_leg_for/
%
My friend told me to stop speaking in numbers...

but I didn't 1 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jzxyw/my_friend_told_me_to_stop_speaking_in_numbers/
%
I was going to buy some classical music CDs...

But I was too baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jzxg5/i_was_going_to_buy_some_classical_music_cds/
%
/r/Jokes won the International Green Awards!

96% recycled content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jzozs/rjokes_won_the_international_green_awards/
%
If towels could tell jokes...

They would have a dry sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jzo3j/if_towels_could_tell_jokes/
%
What's it called when a hippy hangs himself?

Tie-die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jzhp4/whats_it_called_when_a_hippy_hangs_himself/
%
I like my women like I like my car parking spaces...

Disabled only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jzg6u/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_car_parking_spaces/
%
4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed...

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jzfjk/4_6_8_and_9_have_all_been_killed/
%
What's the similarity between Bill Cosby and Santa have in common?

They both come when you're asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jzcit/whats_the_similarity_between_bill_cosby_and_santa/
%
A lawyer Calls Over A Cop After Parking In The Street [As Heard On The Radio]

As the cop walks over the Lawyer is Pissed and starts ranting,  "Officer! You won't Believe what just happened. some idiot drove by as I was opening my Car door and took it right off!" The Cop only shook his head and responded, "You Lawyers, always so materialistic. You didn't even notice your arm is missing." Mortified the lawyer looks where his arm would be and screams, " Oh my god, MY ROLEX!"
(First time posting, be gentle)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jzbo0/a_lawyer_calls_over_a_cop_after_parking_in_the/
%
What do you call a Mexican guy who's car always goes missing?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jz8fr/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_guy_whos_car_always/
%
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

"I don't think I can get hard -- I just got laid this morning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jz7ts/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
%
Got late on my first day at work, blamed it on Rush Hour. Got late on the 2nd day,

Blamed it on Rush Hour 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jz6z4/got_late_on_my_first_day_at_work_blamed_it_on/
%
Penises are a lot like Indian food...

Anything more than a mouth full is gonna be a pain in the ass later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jz6bu/penises_are_a_lot_like_indian_food/
%
Simba was moving too slow, so I told him...........

Mufasa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jz69t/simba_was_moving_too_slow_so_i_told_him/
%
A man walks into a music store.

A man walks into a music store to buy a record for his father. As he approaches the counter with his record he notices that the clerk has put out Nickelback CDs next to the register with a tag thats reads "CD special, $0.05 no returns."
The man looks at the clerk and says " $0.05 for a Nickelback CD. Ha, you probably can't even give those away."
The clerk smiled at him and Rings up his purchase. The grand total comes to $49.95 and the man hads the clerk a $50. The clerk places the $50 in his till and hands the man his receipt.
The man looks at his receipt and says to the clerk " excuse me but I think you short changed me."
The clerk looked at him and said "Oh, and what would you like back?"
The man looks at him and says "Well, Id really like a nickle back."
The Clerk smiles grabs a Nickelback CD scans it and drops it into the man's bag. "Have a nice day sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jz2jg/a_man_walks_into_a_music_store/
%
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday/

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin ?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jz0f0/a_wife_decides_to_take_her_husband_to_a_strip/
%
reflection on human being

in the world there are two kinds of persons: those who finish what they started and those

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jz01d/reflection_on_human_being/
%
Darth Vader says to Luke 'I know what you're getting for Christmas'.

Luke: How could you know that?
Darth: I have felt your presents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jyznc/darth_vader_says_to_luke_i_know_what_youre/
%
What do you call a basement full of liberals?

A whine cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jyx6y/what_do_you_call_a_basement_full_of_liberals/
%
An upvote is like a minute of sex.

I'd like 1000, but I can only muster 5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jys0p/an_upvote_is_like_a_minute_of_sex/
%
I don't believe in Santa

I guess you could say I'm a rebel without a Claus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jyrpk/i_dont_believe_in_santa/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I fancied a quickie earlier..

"Its pronounced 'quiche'", I told her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jyqde/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_fancied_a_quickie/
%
I'm emotionally constipated

I haven't given a shit in days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jyoqd/im_emotionally_constipated/
%
A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in the ninth grade; which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jylvs/a_blonde_brunette_and_redhead_are_in_the_ninth/
%
Once heard someone say "Dress like everyday when you go out in public you might meet the women of your dreams". I try and do this everyday.

My wife hates it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jylmo/once_heard_someone_say_dress_like_everyday_when/
%
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible

. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ... just gonna be the two of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jyjfi/tom_had_been_in_the_liquor_business_for_25_years/
%
What does a gay horse eat?

Haaaaaayyy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jyfzp/what_does_a_gay_horse_eat/
%
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.

Don't even try and tell me that joke was offensive. Atleast it wasn't a blind joke. I can't see how those are funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jyex5/i_cant_stand_being_in_a_wheelchair/
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Three blondes are walking through a forest

...when they spot tracks on the ground. The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jyb2b/three_blondes_are_walking_through_a_forest/
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Being successful is like getting pregnant..

..Everyone will come to congratulate you but no one dares to ask how hard and how many times you were fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jya6e/being_successful_is_like_getting_pregnant/
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What is every gamers New Years Resolution?

3840x2160

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jy8ck/what_is_every_gamers_new_years_resolution/
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I masturbate with soap

Just thought I'd come clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jy89t/i_masturbate_with_soap/
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What did watson say when he got constipation?

No shit sherlock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jy1sw/what_did_watson_say_when_he_got_constipation/
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Three men die on Christmas Day

As they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he explains that because they died on such an important day, in order to get into heaven, they need to show him something Christmas-y.
They all look at each other, knowing that they don't have anything festive on them, so they would have to improvise.
So the first man digs into his pockets, and pulls out a set of keys, and he shakes them and says, "See?  They jingle like jingle bells."
So Peter tells him that will work and sends him into heaven.
The second man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter, and he lights it and waves it in front of him and says, "See?  It burns brightly like a Christmas candle."
So Peter tells him that will work and sends him into heaven.
The third man steps up and is searching all throughout his pockets, but he just can't find anything that he can pass off as representative of Christmas.  Not wanting to be denied heaven because he was taking to long, he finally just pulls out the next thing that he gets his hands on, and it happens to be a pair of panties.
St. Peter looks at the pair of panties, thinking there's no way that he could pass this off as something Christmas-y, but he lets him try to explain himself.  "Alright, let's hear it.  How are those representative of Christmas?"
The third man swallows and says, "... They're Carol's..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxzb3/three_men_die_on_christmas_day/
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I took the shell off my racing snail...

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxx0o/i_took_the_shell_off_my_racing_snail/
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What makes Jesus so special?

People are always banging on about Jesus and how he's so great because he managed to feed the 5000 with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, what about Hitler? He made 8 million Jews toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxt5r/what_makes_jesus_so_special/
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A man goes into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" The man, without missing a beat, says, "This is my seeing eye dog."
"Oh man, I'm sorry," the bartender says, "I didn't realize you were blind. Here, the first drink's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first man sees him, stops him and says, "They don't allow dogs in here, so you won't get a drink unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender peers over the edge and says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a split-second and replies, "What?! They gave me a Chihuahua?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxstm/a_man_goes_into_a_bar_with_his_dog_and_asks_for_a/
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Can a woman make you a millionaire?

Yeah, only if you're a billionaire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxsnq/can_a_woman_make_you_a_millionaire/
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A guy stands up on a plane and screams "HIJACK"

and everybody is understandably afraid. However shortly after this someone shouts back, "Hi Fred!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxqz7/a_guy_stands_up_on_a_plane_and_screams_hijack/
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Looking for his wife...

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxqmc/looking_for_his_wife/
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I just bought some £300 noise cancelling headphones for my wife.

But i can still hear her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxpla/i_just_bought_some_300_noise_cancelling/
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An old lady in London...(a true story)

Around a week ago I was waiting in queue behind an old lady at KFC. She placed her order, paid in cash, and all was well until she received one of those new plastic £5 notes as change from the cashier.
She vocally expressed her dislike about the presence of animal products in the new £5 bills, saying that it was unethical and disgusting. She politely requested the cashier to swap it for an old one, but without a new purchase, the cashier couldn't open the till.
As I just so happened to have an old £5 bill on hand, I stepped in to offer the old lady an exchange, and she seemed suitably content afterwards. I thought to myself,
"Ah, that resolved itself rather nicely. I managed to make a person's life a bit brighter, and in turn I feel happier myself too :D"
...Then it hit me.
What the hell was she doing at KFC?!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxop7/an_old_lady_in_londona_true_story/
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A woman once said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

But I'd never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxnob/a_woman_once_said_she_recognized_me_from_the/
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Do you know two places to put water?

Well Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxn74/do_you_know_two_places_to_put_water/
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Yo mama so fat. . .

I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxm57/yo_mama_so_fat/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, an American, and a Mexican are on a plane...

…when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down. The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.
The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.
The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death.
The American stands up, straightens his cowboy hat, says "Make America Great Again!" and throws the Mexican out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxk4e/an_englishman_a_frenchman_an_american_and_a/
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I have to pee every hour, on the hour.

...it's like cockwork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxgiq/i_have_to_pee_every_hour_on_the_hour/
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What do you call a hooker laying down?

Whorizontal.
Thanks, I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxg4b/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_laying_down/
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Hey girl, I'm no doctor but I can diagnose your condition...

You have acute butt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxf8t/hey_girl_im_no_doctor_but_i_can_diagnose_your/
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What did the the Jamaican daddy spice say to his son when he was being bad?

Your a cinnamon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxehc/what_did_the_the_jamaican_daddy_spice_say_to_his/
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What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxctx/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
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I hate Christmas.

I work throughout the year to afford gifts, and the fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit.
Still I suppose it's my fault for marrying her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxcou/i_hate_christmas/
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Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxc1z/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
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A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground,
grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told
him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped
your kid.  Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper
bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the
slide on the North side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt
and sent him home to show it to his parents. The
next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough,
a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000
with a note that said, "How could you do this to
a fellow Blonde?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxc1p/a_blonde_was_down_on_her_luck_in_order_to_raise/
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[Long][A hospital had a very interesting offer, if the patient is treated, he will pay 350 dollars, if he can't get treated, the hospital will pay 1000 dollars.

One day, a greedy man heard of the offer and decided he would scam the hospital. He went to one of the doctors and said "I can't taste anything."
The doctor asked the nurse to bring the twenty two number medicine. Patient took two drops and of the spat it out saying it was petrol. The doctor took 350 dollars.
Next day, the patient went to the hospital again and said to the doctor "I forget everything after a while."
The doctor asked the nurse to bring the twenty two number medicine. Patient was surprised and said the medicine was for tongue diseases, not memory problems.
"This is your cure for the memory problem. You remember the medicine well" The doctor replied and took 350 dollars.
Next day, the patient went again and told the doctor that he can't see well. The doctor gave him 500 dollars and said he couldn't cure this problem. The patient was surprised he said "This is five hundred dollars. You promised a thousand dollars."
"This is your cure, you can see the money well." The doctor said and took 350 dollars.
Moral: Never be greedy and of course, some people don't just learn.
>I read this joke in magazine a few days ago and thought I might share. I don't know if it is posted before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxbhe/longa_hospital_had_a_very_interesting_offer_if/
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Guilty of Annoyance

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.”
Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jxar2/guilty_of_annoyance/
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What do you call a shoplifter of pancakes?

Crepetomaniac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jx9fg/what_do_you_call_a_shoplifter_of_pancakes/
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Yellow Yam

An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden , but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me....Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jx9e5/yellow_yam/
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Donald Trump decided that he doesn't want to attend intelligence briefings anymore. Coincidentally, he took notice how the Jews always have the inside scoop before anyone.

So he consulted his cabinet of advisors how the Jews always were the first to know everything. And after much research by the intelligence community, the findings were very peculiar to say the least.
"Mr. President, we've found that any time a Jew greets another, they always start with a secret code: *vus machter reb yid*. That's Yiddish for 'what's new my fellow Jew?' - and then once you say that, they know you're Jewish and they trust you with all the inside info and the latest scoop. That's literally how the Jews know everything every time."
Trump looks at his advisors, and says "Wow that's genius. Granted, I've come up with better codes than that but I'll give credit where credit is due! I'm gonna try this out, dress me up as a Jew!"
His whole cabinet proceeded to dress Donald Trump as  a Hassidic Jew, the whole nine yards. He looked EXACTLY like a Hassidic Jew, you couldn't tell the difference, it was that good!
The very next day, Trump went to Brooklyn which happens to have the highest concentration of Hassidic Jews in the US. He figures that the info he'll get there will be most current and up to date than anywhere else.
All inconspicuous, he walks up to the first Hassidic Jew he sees and says "vus machter reb yid?".  The Hassidic Jew answers "Not much actually, but I heard Donald Trump is coming to town!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jx7xe/donald_trump_decided_that_he_doesnt_want_to/
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"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Trump won the election? IS IT BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"

"Mister President, we've been over this..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jx7rj/youre_telling_me_that_im_losing_my_job_because/
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A guy dies and wakes up on a beach.

Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jx6fn/a_guy_dies_and_wakes_up_on_a_beach/
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My dad is like the Michael Jordan of dads.

He has a serious gambling problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jx4xq/my_dad_is_like_the_michael_jordan_of_dads/
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What do you call the Mother Superior of a corrupt convent?

Nun the Wiser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jx4wz/what_do_you_call_the_mother_superior_of_a_corrupt/
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Why did the vampire have to get glasses?

Because he was blind as a bat!
(My 4 year old sister came up with this one yesterday)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jx4re/why_did_the_vampire_have_to_get_glasses/
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[AskReddit] I read that 4,156,257 people got married this year....

....not to cause any problems, but shouldn't that be an even number?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jx4ja/askreddit_i_read_that_4156257_people_got_married/
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A out of control kid doesn't want to eat breakfast, so he throws cornflakes, rice krispies and nesquick out and burns them

Bloody serial killer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jx46v/a_out_of_control_kid_doesnt_want_to_eat_breakfast/
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Have any of you ever felt like you're the hereditary male ruler of an independent state, and that the state in question also happens to be a mate's butt?

I'm ass king for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jx3h2/have_any_of_you_ever_felt_like_youre_the/
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I have the greatest dad ever

Every year he got so mad when Santa didn't bring me presents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwv8w/i_have_the_greatest_dad_ever/
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Some people say that The Big Bang Theory disproves God...

I mean, sure, it's not the best show, but I wouldn't go *that* far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwup9/some_people_say_that_the_big_bang_theory/
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Why can't Indians play football.

Because every time they get a corner they build a shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwunh/why_cant_indians_play_football/
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An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count...

An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…
“Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Doris, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbour? Good heavens!”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwtqf/an_85yearold_man_had_to_do_a_sperm_count/
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I entered my first masturbation competition at the weekend...

I came last

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwsk8/i_entered_my_first_masturbation_competition_at/
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Building in Antarctica is difficult!

No matter what I tried I couldn't get my house to stay together. I tried concrete, brick and mortar, even duct tape! I finally found something that worked though, it was quite simple, igloo'd it together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwsjj/building_in_antarctica_is_difficult/
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A kid asks his father a question.

"Dad where is the clitoris?"
The Father responds with, "You should have asked me that last night, because I had the answer on the tip of my tongue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jws7u/a_kid_asks_his_father_a_question/
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Why did the Redditor cross the road?

To repost this joke on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwrq5/why_did_the_redditor_cross_the_road/
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I went to see the ballet, and..

..all the dancers were standing on tiptoe.
I said,"Why don't they just get taller dancers?"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwpq1/i_went_to_see_the_ballet_and/
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What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwoxw/whats_the_hardest_part_breaking_up_with_a/
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The bee sting

A young women had been taking golf lessons .
She had just started her first round of golf where she suffered a bee sting
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro Graham saw her come into to the clubhouse and asked , "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
'I was stung by a bee, ' She said.
'Where?' He asked.
'Between the first and second hole,' she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then you feet were too far apart.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwost/the_bee_sting/
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers??

In case he got a hole in one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwncs/why_did_the_golfer_wear_two_pairs_of_trousers/
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Christmas must be a hard time for dyslexic children.

They get their presents from Satan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwmps/christmas_must_be_a_hard_time_for_dyslexic/
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Drinking and driving

A warning to all you , be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the Police are out there in their numbers checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto Whiskey. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car where it was and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police control where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
Merry Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwlts/drinking_and_driving/
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How do you know a joke isn't a repost?

When it doesn't reach the front page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwlsq/how_do_you_know_a_joke_isnt_a_repost/
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Why will Belgium go to war?

*This is a joke my dutch grandfather told me, the dutch make fun of Belgians*
Why will Belgium go to war with the Netherlands in 50 years?
Because that's when they understand the Belgian jokes they make about them.
Why will Belgium go to war with France in 50 years?
They can't find the Netherlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwksa/why_will_belgium_go_to_war/
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my girlfriends dad asked me what I do

but apparently your daughter wasn't the answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwk5j/my_girlfriends_dad_asked_me_what_i_do/
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Whats a word that white people can call white people but black people cannot call black people?

Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwiqn/whats_a_word_that_white_people_can_call_white/
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Woman takes a lover home....

Woman takes a lover home whilst hubby is at work. Her 9yr old son comes home unexpectedly sees them and hides in the closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet not realizing her sons also in the closet. Boy says 'Dark in here'
The Man says ' Yes it is'
Boy says 'I have a baseball'
the man says 'that's nice'
boy 'wanna buy it?'
The man says 'no thanks'
boy says 'my dads outside'
the man says 'ok how much?'
Boy says '$250'
A few weeks go by and it happens again, the boy and the lover are back in the closet.
Boy says 'dark it here'
Man says 'yes, it is'
Boys says 'I have a baseball glove'
Now the lover remembers the last time they had a similar conversation and asks the boy 'how much?'
Boy says '$750'
Man says 'sold'
A few days later the dad tell the boy to go and grab his baseball glove so they can go play catch.
The boy says 'I can't, I sold the glove and ball'
Dad says 'sold it, for how much?'
Boy says '$1000'
Dad says 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that especially when neither things cost anywhere close to that. We are going to church and your going to confess!' They head over to the church dad leads the boy to the confessional booth and closes the door.
Boy says 'dark in here'
The priest says 'don't start that shit, your in my closet now'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwh5m/woman_takes_a_lover_home/
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I cant believe i got fired from the calendar factory

All i did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwduw/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_the_calendar/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwd3a/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
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Why You Should Make Love Once A Year

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jwcuy/why_you_should_make_love_once_a_year/
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why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jw8s2/why_does_snoop_dogg_carry_an_umbrella/
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My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me.

I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jw8ow/my_dwarf_girlfriend_went_to_work_this_morning/
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What do you get if a post office burns down?

Black mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jw0qv/what_do_you_get_if_a_post_office_burns_down/
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Three vampires make a bet about how many people they can eat in one night...

They agree to meet in the clearing late at night and show off what they did.
The first one comes up and he has blood all over his mouth. He says "you see that tree over there? Behind it is a trail that leads to a giant house with a family... I ate them all"
The second one comes up and he has blood all over his face. He says "you see that tree there? Behind it is a trail that leads to a village... I ate everybody in the village"
The third one impressed his friends, he had blood all over his face and neck and covering his shirt. "What happened?" They asked him.
"You see that tree right there?" He said, "cause I did not".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvzwx/three_vampires_make_a_bet_about_how_many_people/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvyaj/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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How do you know a joke isn't a repost?

When it doesn't reach the front page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvxdq/how_do_you_know_a_joke_isnt_a_repost/
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Why did the vulture fly United Airlines?

Because they allow 1 free carrion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvv3r/why_did_the_vulture_fly_united_airlines/
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What's the difference between a blonde and your job?

Your job still sucks after 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvv0e/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_your_job/
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Women only call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvu99/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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In a department store, where is your beauty?

Aisle of the beholder.
Lol I hate myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvtrh/in_a_department_store_where_is_your_beauty/
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Peter loved Tractors. A story.

When Peter was about 4 years old, he saw his first tractor. It was brought to his school by a local farmer and Peter was allowed to climb on it, sit in it, and even take a ride around the playground on the farmer's lap. It was his earliest memory, and he instantly fell in love with them.
That Christmas he got his first 'Tractor and Digger' annual, and every year up to early adulthood. Each glossy new annual contained the latest and greatest in tractor models, tractor building and innovation in all things Tractors for that year. This guy lapped it up, because Peter fucking LOVED tractors.
One Christmas, Peter wasn't given the new Tractor annual. After all these years, had his parents forgotten? Was he now deemed 'too old' for tractor fandom, and destined to leave his passion, nay, his vice, behind for good!
NO - Peter's kind, loving parents had always catered to their only son's true calling. They brought him outside, and there it was - a 1955 Lamborghini DL25h limited edition (the one with the special fog lights, green leather upholstery and that charming old chain-type horn - you know the one I mean). This beautiful Tractor was always the classic, the one that was up on a poster on his wall longer than any other. It was his muse, his Eleanor.
Too excited to wait, Peter got straight in, turned on the engine and vrooom! Like he'd always imagined it would feel. That purr that he was only familiar with through YouTube on his old laptop with tinny speakers, felt every bit as he had always hoped he would one day hear. This was his porn. He was speechless.
Every day for weeks Peter would take Eleanor out for a whirl, passing old farms and mechanics whom he knew, HE KNEW, would truly appreciate what they were seeing and hearing as he passed them. He never stopped smiling, and he loved planning new routes every day.
This continued for, oh, 4 months? Until, one fateful day, Peter, all too cautious not to even mildly scratch his new baby, gave an oncoming, overly confident delivery truck too wide a berth..
A crash..
Then darkness, nothing..
All he remembered was waking up in the ditch on the side of the country road. Ambulances blaring, paramedics standing over him, his neck already in a brace being led into the back of an ambulance.
Peter caught one glimpse of Eleanor. Upside down and half buried in the ditch, axle bent out of all recognition, just absolute toast. He knew it was over. Eleanor was no more.
Peter spent the next few weeks in recovery and undergoing painstaking physiotherapy to realign his spine, and to try and regain full function in his hand, which was half crushed in the accident.
All the while, Peter was stewing. Seething at his own carelessness, over-cautiousness, his sheer greed, over indulgence and selfishness at having lead such a meaningless existence. An existence thus far only defined by his love of an industrial vehicle that he hadn't even managed to make a living out of.
He made a decision then and there, to move on. His resolve was always strong, making no apologies for his unconditional love for Tractors to the onlooking crowds of countless bullies and naysayers over the years. So as tough as this decision was, Peter knew that he had to do it, and that he could do it.
The rest of that winter passed in a flash.
Peter, rendered inactive for work and struggling to walk, threw out his entire, pristine collection of Tractor annuals, magazines, scale models, pictures, posters, mugs and all manner of Tractor memorabilia that he had amassed over the years. Peter was a changed man.
But a man without a calling.
Until..
One day, about 10 years back now, Peter was sat in a pub just outside his local village. This was just before the indoor smoking ban, and the place was filled with smoke. Peter had gotten used to it over the years, but even he struggled to breathe comfortably in such a crowded and densely smoke filled room. Winter was holding on late this year, and people were still crowding inside and there were no windows open.
Over in the corner of the room, Peter saw a woman on her own. She was hunched over a half finished glass of wine, and seemed to be crying.
He felt compelled to walk over to her and ask what was wrong.
The lady looked up to meet his gaze, and said she wasn't upset, but her eyes were reacting to all the smoke in the pub.
Then it hit him - his calling, his true purpose in life, the reason he felt so compelled by Tractors since that wonderful day at school all those years ago, and the reason his parents had so whole-heartedly encouraged this passion of his ever since..
He knew, somehow, that he was capable of this..
Peter took two steps back, stuck his head up and inhaled. He inhaled and inhaled and inhaled all that he could, until all the smoke in the room had entered his lungs.
He stepped outside and exhaled every bit of air and smoke that he had inhaled. It was an incredible sight, and everyone in the pub just stopped everything and gawped at this man in amazement and wonder.
Emerging out of the crowd, the woman, now smiling and opening her beautiful eyes fully for the first time, said 'Wow, that was amazing! Where on earth did you learn to do that?!'
'Somehow', said Peter, 'I've always known. I just wasn't able to until now.'
'You see'
'I'm an Ex-Tractor fan'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvsod/peter_loved_tractors_a_story/
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A priest is sitting in a confessional, sipping from a flask.

He's feeling pretty good, letting the time pass,
when just at the moment he has to pee,
someone walks up to confess, you see.
Well, the priest can't hold it, so he peeks out
and sees the church janitor walking about.
"Tony! Come here," He whispers, "I need a hand.
Sit in here and take confession while I go pee, my man.
I have a list of sins with the appropriate penance, ok?
Just assign the right penance based on what they say."
"Sure thing, father," the janitor says, and sits right down.
The lady begins to confess, she's really goin' to town.
"Well, father, bless me for I have sinned.
It's been two days since my last confession.
I've given a blowjob a day to my husband's friend,
and I know -- I just know -- I'll do it again."
He checks the list, but "blowjob" is nowhere to be found.
He peeks out of the confessional and looks around
and motions for an altar boy to come in.
"Say, son, I've got a list but I can't find her sin.
What's the priest usually give for a blowjob?"
"$5 and a snickers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvscs/a_priest_is_sitting_in_a_confessional_sipping/
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I created an Erectile Dysfunction support group once,

But it flopped,
Nobody came

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvpkd/i_created_an_erectile_dysfunction_support_group/
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I used to think I was black...

But it was just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvpew/i_used_to_think_i_was_black/
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

"First offender?" The judge asked. "No" said the bailiff, "First a Gibson, then a Fender."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvnjn/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
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So my girlfriend invited me to her house..

When I came in I found her sister all alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievably sexy sister was sitting there with me. A few moments go by, then she comes up next to me and whispers in my ear 'we should have sex before my sister comes home.' I immediately got up and turned around to walk to my car. I found my girlfriend standing by the door, at which point she hugged me and said 'you've won my trust.' Moral of the story, always keep your condoms in your car. -Karl Clements

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvmi2/so_my_girlfriend_invited_me_to_her_house/
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A man goes up to a bartender...

A man goes up to a bartender and says, "I bet you $500 that I can pee into a shot glass on your bar while standing on that stool over there."
The bartender looks at him, looks at the stool and says with a smile, "Go for it."
So the guy gets up on the stool and proceeds to pee all over the bar while the bartender is just standing there smiling. Once the man is done and hands over the money, the bartender looks at him and asks, "Why'd you make such a stupid bet?"
The man just looks at him smiling, points over his shoulder, and says, "You see those two guys in the booth back there? I bet them each a $1000 that I could get you to smile while I piss all over your bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvlkw/a_man_goes_up_to_a_bartender/
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Why did the old lady fall into the well?

Because she didn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvlii/why_did_the_old_lady_fall_into_the_well/
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Don't worry if a fat guy comes to kidnap you...

I told Santa all I want for Christmas is you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvl8n/dont_worry_if_a_fat_guy_comes_to_kidnap_you/
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Weed is the answer...

.. when your parents tells you to be the highest among the rest of the students in your class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvhx9/weed_is_the_answer/
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What band does Santa listen to while delivering presents?

Slayer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvfdx/what_band_does_santa_listen_to_while_delivering/
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A preacher, a librarian, and a soldier...

...were on a small airplane when they began to experience some bad turbulence.  The captain of the plane instructed them to each throw out some of their personal possessions to reduce the weight of the plane so they could land safely.  The preacher threw out some wooden crosses.  The librarian threw out several of his favorite books.   And the soldier threw out some grenades.
Upon landing, the group encountered a little boy who was crying.  "What's wrong?" asked the preacher.  The boy responded, "I was playing with that little girl over there and some wooden crosses fell on my head!"  The preacher, realizing his mistake, stayed with the boy to comfort him.
The librarian and the soldier continued to walk to the nearest town.  On the way, they noticed a little girl who was in tears.  "What is the matter?" asked the librarian.  The girl answered, "I was playing with that little boy over there and some books fell on my head!"  Feeling guilty, the librarian chose to stay with her.
The soldier continued to the town on his own.  When he reached the town, he saw a boy on a bench, dying of laughter.  "What is so funny, the soldier asked?"  The boy responded, "I just sat on this bench and farted and then the building behind me blew up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvexu/a_preacher_a_librarian_and_a_soldier/
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What do you call Batman and Robin after they got run over by a steamroller?

Flatman and Ribbon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jvb70/what_do_you_call_batman_and_robin_after_they_got/
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[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock...

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jv9p2/wp_you_are_an_assassin_in_wwii_trying_to_find_a/
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10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...
God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jv6ct/10_husbands_still_a_virgin/
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Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless

It could well be that he lives with 3 females and only 1 bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jv5et/not_every_badly_unkempt_guy_is_homeless/
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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.  The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home??????

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jv4kv/ralph_and_edna_were_both_patients_in_a_mental/
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How do you catch a unique rabbit?

You 'neek up on it.
Wanna know how to catch a tame rabbit too?
The tame way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jv41s/how_do_you_catch_a_unique_rabbit/
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Why is North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un so ruthless?

He doesn't have a Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jv2ew/why_is_north_korean_dictator_kim_jongun_so/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep...

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jv2eg/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_went_on_a_camping/
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I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf.

He said he couldn't.... the steaks were too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jv15e/i_told_the_butcher_id_give_him_10_if_he_got_the/
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What is DNA's favourite clothing?

Jeans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5juzok/what_is_dnas_favourite_clothing/
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Why was the Newfie excited when he heard Quebec might leave Canada?

It wouldn't take him as long to drive to Toronto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5juyg6/why_was_the_newfie_excited_when_he_heard_quebec/
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What has two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese telephone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5juw6q/what_has_two_wings_and_an_arrow/
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Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then be caught only a couple blocks away, he replied,
“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5juvaw/recently_a_burglar_in_paris/
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What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops at 3 hoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5juv2o/whats_the_difference_between_tiger_woods_and/
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What is a uppercase 'i'?

Pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5juup4/what_is_a_uppercase_i/
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What's the difference between you and your shower head?

The shower head makes your girlfriend wetter than you ever will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5juspa/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_your_shower/
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A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.

Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."
But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.
"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.
"I got it at a tree lot."
"Then why did you bring an axe?"
"Because I didn't want to pay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jusil/a_boy_begs_his_father_to_get_him_a_christmas_tree/
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One fine night at an Indian restaurant

Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I inquired, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare one.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 56.39%."
I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered,  "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5juq6v/one_fine_night_at_an_indian_restaurant/
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Funny Neil Armstrong joke

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, they found there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5juq6q/funny_neil_armstrong_joke/
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Most women turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out for women turning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jupz9/most_women_turn_into_good_drivers/
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A nervous young man goes to pick up his prom date at her house.

As expected, his date is finishing getting ready upstairs.  He sits in the living room waiting for her when her father and the family dog enter the room.  The dad sits down across from the boy and looks him over thoughtfully.  The young man begins feeling very uneasy, and his stomach starts to churn.  His stomach starts to hurt so badly, he decides he has no choice but to let out a little fart to get some relief.  He takes the plunge, and luckily it's a silent one.  He is feeling very relieved now, and gives his date's dad a weak smile.  All of a sudden he realizes his silent fart was not to go unnoticed, as a putrid smell began to fill the room.  "RALPH!!!" the dad yells at the dog.  The boy realizes his luck once again: the dad thinks Ralph, the dog, farted!  Hoping for a little more relief, he lets out another silent bomb.  Once again, within a few moments the dad yells "RALPH!!!!!!" glaring at the dog sitting on the couch next to the boy.  Third time's a charm--he lets out one long, final, glorious silent fart that eases his abdominal discomfort.  As if on cue, and to the boy's horror, the dad yells, "RALPH!!!! GET OVER HERE BEFORE THAT BOY POOPS ON YOU!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5junfe/a_nervous_young_man_goes_to_pick_up_his_prom_date/
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I really just don't like any of these fancy and stinky cheeses.

Maybe I'm just uncultured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jumz3/i_really_just_dont_like_any_of_these_fancy_and/
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How do you blind an Asian?

Put a windshield in front of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5july2/how_do_you_blind_an_asian/
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What's a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer?

Comet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5juf4v/whats_a_dinosaurs_least_favorite_reindeer/
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Santa is nearby...

I can sense his presents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jue65/santa_is_nearby/
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A woman gets home from the hospital.

She is walking slowly into the house so her husband asks if she is okay. " NO! my knees hurt and my jaw is sore." Her husband looks at her and says " I hate to say I told you so, but I told you not to take the job as Head nurse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jue63/a_woman_gets_home_from_the_hospital/
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What's a pirate's favourite letter?

P, without it he's irate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5judsl/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
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I don't do cocaine...

I just like the smell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jubmf/i_dont_do_cocaine/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

We better get some support or people are going to think we are nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ju7vk/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other/
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What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

You smell carrots?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ju3gi/what_did_one_snowman_say_to_the_other_snowman/
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Always borrow money from a pessimist

They never expect it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ju2xh/always_borrow_money_from_a_pessimist/
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What do you call a broken boomerang?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ju295/what_do_you_call_a_broken_boomerang/
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What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?

Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jtxz6/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_an_agnostic_a/
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Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves...

...but I don't like to point fingers...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jtxrd/some_of_my_friends_have_been_making_very_hurtful/
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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice.

Well, I think she was poor. She only had £1.30 in her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jtww9/i_saw_a_poor_old_lady_fall_over_today_on_the_ice/
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My friend just told me he has screwed every girl in his class

He is homeschooled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jttdh/my_friend_just_told_me_he_has_screwed_every_girl/
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A man in a hotel lobby ;)

He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am if your heart is as soft as your breast, then I'm sure you'll forgive me" The woman replies "If your penis is as hard as that elbow, I'll be in room 436"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jtrnk/a_man_in_a_hotel_lobby/
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The only thing I learned in college

is that I'm stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jtpr7/the_only_thing_i_learned_in_college/
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*The Glasgow Brothel*

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed,  good-looking man in his late forties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged ￡5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.
There were no discounts. The price was still ￡5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, the man asked Valerie to sign a receipt that she had received ￡15000. She was astonished nevertheless signed on the receipt and said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row and for sure this is the first time anyone has asked me to sign a receipt. Where are you from?”
The man replied, “Edinburgh.”
“Really”, she said. “I have family in Edinburgh .”
“I know.” the man said.
“Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver you ￡15,000 inheritance in person.”
Two things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Being screwed by a lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jtpq4/the_glasgow_brothel/
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Why did the communist grab the fortune teller?

He wanted to seize the means of prediction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jtml5/why_did_the_communist_grab_the_fortune_teller/
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The moon landing was staged

and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jtgi8/the_moon_landing_was_staged/
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What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?

It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jtft0/what_did_mario_say_when_he_broke_up_with_princess/
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Why do french people love eating snails?

Because they hate fast food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jte88/why_do_french_people_love_eating_snails/
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Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jtaw4/isnt_it_annoying_when_engineering_students_call/
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Getting Lost (NSFW)

A journalist is working on his latest assignment for work. His latest assignment is meant to be a "human interest/daily life" piece. Being from Kentucky, he figured it'd be as good a place as any to start. His documentation leads him throughout the state, gathering various stories for his piece.
Eventually, looking to seal the deal on his article, he finds himself deep in the rural countryside. He visited a local farmer, who gladly obliged to tell some tales after he heard about the article. The journalist began: "So, has anything around here ever occurred that made you happy?"
"Yep!" the farmer said as he mused to himself for a moment, "Oh! One time, my neighbor's daughter, a good-lookin' lady, got lost. We formed a posse, and found her. After we all fucked her, we took her home."
"Wait, what??" The journalist paused in shock, "Sir, you understand I can't write something like that? Okay... Look tell me about something that was challenging that occurred here, for example."
"Well..." The farmer thought, "One of my cows broke lose and got lost. We formed a posse, and eventually found it. After we all fucked it, I took it home."
"I... I can't..." The journalist stammered in horror, "Oh Jesus... Look, nevermind that; sir? Can you tell me... Has anything ever happened around here that made you *sad* at least?"
The farmer grew quiet, and lowered his head. The journalist nervously waiting for a response.
After several minutes, the journalist noticed the farmer had begun crying to himself in silence. A few moments later, the farmer sat up, looked at the journalist and began, "I got lost once..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jt6ty/getting_lost_nsfw/
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Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp.  No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly..  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!  He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned,  older cowboy, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it..  They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  Bob sat up and watched me all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jt64v/sleeping_with_bob/
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A man walks into a pet shop

He'd like to buy a pet for his lonely, widowed mother. The shop owner shows him all of the usual stuff,
hamsters, puppies, kittens, etc. and the man tells the owner that he's looking for something unique.
The owner takes him to the back of the shop and introduces him to raggedy looking parrot named Chet.
The man, rightfully so, is unimpressed with the parrot until the shop owner tells him that the bird
sings Christmas carols. The owner explains that all the man has to do is hold a flame under the bird's
right wing and he'll sing "Silent Night" or under the left wing and he'll sing "O' Holy Night". The
owner proceeds with a demonstration and the man, very impressed, takes the bird home.
When the man gets home he has to show his family what he has brought home so he gathers them all around the bird.
He holds a candle under the bird's right wing and the bird sings a beautiful rendition of "Silent Night". Then the
man holds the candle under the bird's left wing and the bird sings "O' Holy Night". The man's son asks his father
what happens if you hold the candle under the bird's tail, and not knowing what might happen the man moves the
candle under the bird's tail. The bird gets a concerned look on his face and starts singing "Chet's nuts roasting
on an open fire..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jt5k2/a_man_walks_into_a_pet_shop/
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What do you call batman when he runs out of church?

Christian bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jt26e/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_runs_out_of_church/
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My parents always warned me about having sex before marriage...

But somehow I'm in their wedding picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jsx0r/my_parents_always_warned_me_about_having_sex/
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What don't you want to hear after your prostate exam?

As the doctor leaves, a nurse comes in and says "Who the hell was that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jsv7v/what_dont_you_want_to_hear_after_your_prostate/
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Dear Santa

,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone
4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*
Merry Christmas,*
Santa Claus***
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you
asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jsszw/dear_santa/
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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer...

... the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the Republican Nominee for President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jssy9/while_stitching_a_cut_on_the_hand_of_a_75_year/
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Last night I got too drunk and sensibly took a bus home

Pretty proud of myself...Never drove a bus before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jssoi/last_night_i_got_too_drunk_and_sensibly_took_a/
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Action Dan here, so I read a book on Stockholm syndrome.

I didn't like it at first but I have to finish a book I start, by the end I was really into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jsqps/action_dan_here_so_i_read_a_book_on_stockholm/
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A cop drives up an isolated country lane and sees a car parked.

He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat and a boy in the front seat.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book, and I'm 20."
Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is.
The boy replies, "She's listening to music, and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jsqkh/a_cop_drives_up_an_isolated_country_lane_and_sees/
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I read that having sex every day for a year could transform your marriage.

It worked so well I’m thinking of suggesting it to my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jspxf/i_read_that_having_sex_every_day_for_a_year_could/
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The president of the Philippines says 3 of 5 Americans are idiots

What a dumbass, there are way more than 5 Americans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jsm4j/the_president_of_the_philippines_says_3_of_5/
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Fishing For Whiskey

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jskvm/fishing_for_whiskey/
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I've just been reading a book all about lubricant...

It's a fantastic piece of non-friction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jsepo/ive_just_been_reading_a_book_all_about_lubricant/
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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician asks for a beer.
The second asks for a half a beer.
The third asks for a quarter of a beer and so on with the consecutive mathematicians having half the amount of beer as the mathematician before him.
The bartender says: "I'll just pour you 2 beers, you gotta know your limits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jscmz/an_infinite_amount_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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Opinions are like penises

You should be ashamed of yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5js9wo/opinions_are_like_penises/
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So I go hunting with a bit of a snobby friend of mine...

On a nice summer day I go hunting with my snobby friend (his first time) on the countryside. Almost 6 hours pass and we haven't seen a single bird before we see this pheasant running out of a cornfield into this grass field. My friend doesn't hesitate and and shoots the bird.
My friend runs up to the bird but before he gets there, a farmer runs out of his farm and yells:"STOP! This is my ground so it is MY bird!".
My friend really wants to show the bird off to his friends and says: " hell no I shot it its my bird!".
The farmer says: "Alright since you sound like a city boy ill make an deal with you. Ill kick you in the balls and after you kick me in the balls and whomever yells the least will get the bird."
My friend doesnt hestitate and says yes to the deal. So this farmer takes a few steps back and run-kicks my friend in the balls who falls over an moans for like half an hour. After that he gets up and confidently says: "Okay now it is my turn!"
To which the farmer replies: "Are you crazy it's a fucking bird just take it and get off my porch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5js88e/so_i_go_hunting_with_a_bit_of_a_snobby_friend_of/
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I like my women like I like my movies...

...fast, furious and eight in a row.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5js2t9/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_movies/
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Im getting sick of all my self-aware friends.

You know who you are...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrzho/im_getting_sick_of_all_my_selfaware_friends/
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Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas.

Making my new years resolution 3840 x 2160.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrz0h/hoping_to_get_a_4k_tv_after_christmas/
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You know what the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket

"How far you think I can kick this bucket"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jry13/you_know_what_the_last_thing_my_grandfather_said/
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Please comment

Apparently that's how the real jokes are made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrvvk/please_comment/
%
Why can't T-Rex's high five?

Because they're all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrvjt/why_cant_trexs_high_five/
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An old married couple is lying in bed when...

the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrpdi/an_old_married_couple_is_lying_in_bed_when/
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Asked my wife "Would you rather...?

Me: Would you rather me get bit in the dick by a snake and the only way to save my dick is to give me blowies every single day for the rest of your life, OR have my dick just fall off?
Wife: I guess I would give you head....
**Serious question:** Does anyone know where I can find a snake?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrmmv/asked_my_wife_would_you_rather/
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The sentence "I'm aware" isn't very scary

Unless you put Wolf on the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrlyn/the_sentence_im_aware_isnt_very_scary/
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A 6 year old kid and his parents go to the beach together......

.......the kid looks around the beach and spots women with bigger breasts than his mother. He then curiously asks "Mommy,why do all the other ladies have bigger boobies than you?" The mother then replies with "The bigger the boobies,the dumber the women lovey." The kid,satisfied with the answer, goes off with his dad to play in the water. He returns to his mother a few minutes later and asks her another question. "Mommy,why do all the men have bigger 'packages' than daddy?" he asks. The mother then replies with "Honey,the bigger the 'package' the dumber the man." The kid,once again satisfied with the answer,goes back to play with his father. He returns after a few minutes to his mother and exclaims "Mommy, daddy is talking to the dumbest women on the beach and the longer he talks to her,the dumber he gets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrlwg/a_6_year_old_kid_and_his_parents_go_to_the_beach/
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Did you know that when a woman wears a bikini, 90% of the body is exposed?

But men are so classy that they only stare at the 10% that's covered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrls9/did_you_know_that_when_a_woman_wears_a_bikini_90/
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A woman is about to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge.

A man passing by sees her and says
"Hey, before you jump, do you want to have sex with me?"
She says "Fuck you, ya perverted asshole"
He says,
"That's fine. I'll wait for you at the bottom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrlbx/a_woman_is_about_to_commit_suicide_by_jumping_off/
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Why can't a Blonde make Kool-Aid??

She can't fit the two cups of water into the tiny packet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrkan/why_cant_a_blonde_make_koolaid/
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I was meeting my future father in law for the first time...

He asked me, "Are you here for my daughter's hand?" In the interest of being honest, I replied, "I'm mostly interested in her vagina." He was taken aback so I quickly added, "but in a pinch her hand'll do the job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrjv2/i_was_meeting_my_future_father_in_law_for_the/
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My dog

used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrhzw/my_dog/
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Oprah Winfrey was busted by TSA at O'Hare airport today with 40 pounds of crack.

They let her go because it just turned out to be her vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrhr3/oprah_winfrey_was_busted_by_tsa_at_ohare_airport/
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A chemist decided to plagiarize a man's work.

He made a carbon-copy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrhic/a_chemist_decided_to_plagiarize_a_mans_work/
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Invention

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrh7u/invention/
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What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrh3b/whats_the_fastest_way_to_earn_money_as_a/
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The Religious Horse

A priest lends one of his very good friends a beautiful horse. As the friend thanks him, the priest notifies him about the mentality of the horse.
"It's a religious horse, and it doesn't respond to normal commands. In order to make it go, yell Hallelujah, to make it stop, say a prayer."
The man thanks the priest and sets out on his adventure.
As he is traveling, he witnessed a series of magical lights in the sky, it must be a miracle! "HALLELUJAH!" he bellows. The horse starts accelerating at a scary rate. The man screams and screams, constantly telling the horse to stop, as an approaching cliffside grows ever near. He then remembers the prayer method that got the horse to stop.
"Dear God, please make this horse stop. In the name of Jesus, Amen. "
Right at the edge of the cliff, the horse immediately stops. The man gets of the horse, and blinded by adrenaline and happiness and laughter, the man bellows, "HALLELUJAH! PRAISE GOD!"
The thump was heard from miles away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrgns/the_religious_horse/
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A brunette's pain

A distressed brunette tells her doctor that no matter where she touches her body, she feels horrible pain.  The doctor asks her to demonstrate.  She proceeds to touch her chin, which results in a whimper.  She touches her breast, and she starts to cry.  She touches her leg and she lets out a scream.
"Stop," he says, " I believe I know what ails you.  But first I must ask, are you naturally a blonde?"
"Why yes I am," she says, "how did you know?"
"You have a broken finger"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrfx2/a_brunettes_pain/
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How to not be racist

Be like Mario! He's made by the japanese, he is an italian plumber, looks like a mexican, runs and jumps like a black man and grabs coins as fast as a Jew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrdfw/how_to_not_be_racist/
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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task.  But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop.  But he was still hungry.
Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop."  It was a daunting task, but after working out for two-and-a-half hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a phD in physics, *wa-zaam!* he was a yellow fruit loop.  But he was still hungry.
Looking at himself in the mirror once again, he said, "I need to become a green fruit loop."  It was certainly a daunting task.  But green fruit loops lived a lavish life, with multiple cars and big houses.  Simply put, he couldn't pass up the opportunity.  But their was a risk: humans loved green fruit loops.  Accepting the risk, he worked three hours a day, with five-gram weights, and became a famous musician.  *Wa-zaam!*  He was now a green fruit loop.  But somehow, despite his now-lavish lifestyle, he was still hungry.
So, looking at himself in the mirror one day, he said, "I need to become a blue fruit loop."  Yes, that's right, a blue fruit loop: the highest honor in all the lands.  It took hard, hard work, and was a very daunting task indeed.  And there was a risk: humans love, love blue fruit loops.  But he was on a mission, and was committed on becoming a blue fruit loop, whatever it would take.  He worked out six-hours a day, with ten-gram weights.  He studied law and decided to run for president.  He was a poet, an artist, a musician, a scientist, and a scholar.  He even read some old Reddit post about the steps needed to become a monk and took seven years becoming that, too.  And on Election Day, *wa-zaam!*  he won the presidency, and became a blue fruit loop.  He now had the best lifestyle achievable.  He had was admired throughout the lands, was the president U.S.F.L. (United States of Fruit Loops), and had a beautiful family.  So one day, he decided to celebrate with his family, and take his sons, Jake and Jim (two red fruit loops) to an amusement park.  They had a blast.  They tried all the games, slid down all the slides, and went on all the roller-coasters.  But it was a hot day, and at the end of all the fun, Jake and Jim were both exhausted and dehydrated.  "Can we go get some water, Dad?" they asked their blue-fruit-loop-father.  "Sure, go ahead" their blue-fruit-loop-father replied.  A few minutes later, Jake and Jim came back, with no water.  "The water line is really long" they said.  "Can we go get some lemonade?"  "Sure," their father replied.  But again they returned, with no lemonade.  "The lemonade line is really long too!" they exclaimed.  "Can we go get some fruit punch?"  "Sure." their father replied.  But at that very instant, a big fan of their father pulled him aside.  "You know, you are the only fruit loop to ever achieve blue status." the fan said, shaking with excitement.  "What's your secret to success?"
But at that very instant, his sons returned, both with gleaming smiles and fruit punches.  "Great news!" they told their father.  "There is no punch line."
Note: I heard this joke from a friend three years ago.  Not sure if it's ever gone around Reddit, but I wouldn't be surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrcgp/one_day_a_red_fruit_loop_looked_at_himself_in_the/
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Wooden leg.

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him “What was the name of his other leg?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrcdj/wooden_leg/
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How is Bungee jumping similar to hanging hanging out with a prostitute?

If the rubber breaks, your dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jrag9/how_is_bungee_jumping_similar_to_hanging_hanging/
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People ask how I'm so prepared for Christmas

It's easy I had all presents wrapped and hidden in the attic since August, my girlfriend is going to love her new puppy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jraat/people_ask_how_im_so_prepared_for_christmas/
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I just created a memory loss pill!

At least, I think I did...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jr9j3/i_just_created_a_memory_loss_pill/
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While eating at their favorite diner, two Texans hear an awful choking sound.

They turn around to see a lady turning blue.
The first Texan rises, hitches up his jeans and walks over to the lady.
He asks, "Can you breathe?" She shakes her head no.
"Can you speak?" he asks. She again shakes her head no.
With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt and starts to lick her butt.
Shocked, the woman coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe.
The first Texan turns back to his friend and says, "Amazing how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jr3uz/while_eating_at_their_favorite_diner_two_texans/
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How does a boat captain determine his profit?

By using aquadratic equation.
(Via my coworker)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jr14m/how_does_a_boat_captain_determine_his_profit/
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I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey.

But I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jr0lw/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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The upstairs neighbors were making a lot of noise one night and my wife says she's going to go get the broom.

To which I reply "Are you going to fly up there and complain?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jr0ak/the_upstairs_neighbors_were_making_a_lot_of_noise/
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Genie: what is your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich
Genie: Granted. And what is your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqxiu/genie_what_is_your_first_wish/
%
How does a penguin build its house ?

Igloos it together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqx7i/how_does_a_penguin_build_its_house/
%
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater

,for this year I would prefer a squirter or a moaner .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqx32/last_year_for_christmas_i_got_a_sweater/
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Wife's secret money

A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. Until one day...
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqubn/wifes_secret_money/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqtzg/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
What do mentally retarded parents give their kids?

Hand me Downs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqrxo/what_do_mentally_retarded_parents_give_their_kids/
%
No matter how kind your children are

German kids will still be kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqrfl/no_matter_how_kind_your_children_are/
%
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad,
that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My
hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden
yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's
nothing.  My hands shake so bad that when I
took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqr7v/three_old_men_were_talking_about_how_much_their/
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Bilbo wakes up suddenly to Don't Stop Believing.

It was an unexpected Journey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqq1j/bilbo_wakes_up_suddenly_to_dont_stop_believing/
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqpgk/two_men_were_sitting_next_to_each_other_at_a_bar/
%
I used to think I was indecisive...

but now I'm not so sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqnip/i_used_to_think_i_was_indecisive/
%
An English businessman...

An English businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.
The next day, he strikes the deal, and is invited to play golf with his Japanese associates. On the hardest hole of the course, one Japanese businessman manages to score an impressive hole-in-one. His colleagues start cheering him in Japanese, and the man, not wanting to be left out, starts chanting "Soko janai! Soko janai!". Suddenly everyone goes quiet, and one of them turns to him and says "No sir, I'm sure that's the right hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqnhx/an_english_businessman/
%
I hate illegal immigrants.

They're loud and smelly, with no respect for property or personal space.
And of course if you do chase them off your property with a club, it's frowned upon.
They're always talking, but you can never understand what they're saying.
They shit EVERYWHERE.
When I see a bunch of them flying I just want to shoot them out of the sky.
Man, Canadian geese are the worst!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqn7o/i_hate_illegal_immigrants/
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Lone Ranger captured NSFW

One day, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were traveling through the wild west, when they were attacked by a group of bandits, captured, and tied up.
The bandits say to themselves, "The only good Indian is a dead Indian", so they kill Tonto.
Feelling a little sorry for the Lone Ranger, they tell him they'll let him live a couple of more days.
"May I have a last request?", the Lone Ranger asks.
They agree to give him one last request.
"I want to talk to my horses.", he says.
They bring Silver over, and the Lone Ranger whispers something in his ear. Silver immediately takes off, as fast as he can.
The bandits don't worry too much, figuring there's not much a horse can do.
A couple of days pass, and the bandits are getting ready to kill the Lone Ranger,when suddenly, Silver comes back into the camp, with a beautiful woman on his back. The woman hops down, proceeds to strip, then, one by one, has sex with all of the bandits in the camp.
The bandits are laying around afterwards, pretty much having forgotten about killing the Lone Ranger.
The Lone Ranger finally gets one of the bandits attention. The bandit gets up and walks over to him.
"I know it may be a bit much, but can I have one more last request?", asks the Lone Ranger.
The bandit, being in a good mood, agrees.
"I want to talk to my horse again.", the Lone Ranger says.
The bandit brings Silver over.
The Lone Ranger looks at him straight in the eyes, and says....
"Read my lips, motherfucker, I said POSSE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqmkx/lone_ranger_captured_nsfw/
%
My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!

Upvote for visibility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqkg1/my_doctor_said_if_i_get_1000_upvotes_he_will/
%
A man walks into a store to buy condoms

He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"
Wife: What's so special about them.
Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.
Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?
Husband: The gold one of course!
Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqgg4/a_man_walks_into_a_store_to_buy_condoms/
%
A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.
So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.
"Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many."
The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.
"Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.".
"I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen."
"Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering."
The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.
That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields.
"Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.".
"Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqgf6/a_farmer_has_895_sheep/
%
Reposted jokes here are a literary pain

You get excited for some new humor, only to discover you already reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqfji/reposted_jokes_here_are_a_literary_pain/
%
To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqdsz/to_the_woman_who_keeps_pounding_on_my_door_at/
%
Amish Sex Lesson

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day. The daughter said to her mother,'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My  hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'  He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed his nose.
The day after, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'
The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
Well, the next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Concerned the mother said, 'Why, yes..... Why do you ask?'
The daughter replies, 'They sure make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqdro/amish_sex_lesson/
%
People who know me say I'm condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqdis/people_who_know_me_say_im_condescending/
%
My wife keeps saying that I'm not the man she married.

I thought *my* memory was bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqbx9/my_wife_keeps_saying_that_im_not_the_man_she/
%
I organised a day of sponsored bungee jumping for the local disabled group...

Perhaps calling it 'spastic on elastic' wasn't one of my greatest ideas...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqbaz/i_organised_a_day_of_sponsored_bungee_jumping_for/
%
I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jqb37/i_was_at_a_restaurant_when_i_noticed_my_waitress/
%
That fat bastard with the beard gets all the credit

I work my fingers to the bone to give my children everything they want for Christmas and for what? On Christmas day that fat bastard with the beard gets all the credit, mind you, i suppose it's my own fault for marrying her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jq6x1/that_fat_bastard_with_the_beard_gets_all_the/
%
Have you heard about the Brexit Christmas dinner?

It doesn't have Brussels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jq6at/have_you_heard_about_the_brexit_christmas_dinner/
%
A woman playing golf......

......hit a man nearby.
The man put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground and started rolling around in pain.
The woman rushed to him and offered to relieve his pain, since she was a doctor.
She gently took his hands away, unzipped his pants and put her hands inside. She then massaged him tenderly for a few minutes and asked, "How does it feel?"
The man replied, "Feels good, but I think my thumb is still broken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jq5ud/a_woman_playing_golf/
%
What do you call a girl whose profile pictures are only facial close ups?

Fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jq3e2/what_do_you_call_a_girl_whose_profile_pictures/
%
Police arrested two kids yesterday.

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jq14x/police_arrested_two_kids_yesterday/
%
Two great white sharks...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jpxyy/two_great_white_sharks/
%
Vagina ears

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she is embarrassed and does not want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from the operation and finds three roses carefully placed on her nightstand. Outraged, she immediately calls the doctor and says " I told you not to tell anyone!" The doctor replies, "Don't worry, I didn't tell a soul!" When the woman inquires about the roses the doctor says, "Oh, those! The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me with your operation and has been through this procedure herself, so she understands what you're going through. And the third rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jpr5h/vagina_ears/
%
How Many Russians Does It Take To Invade Crimea?

None according to the Russians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jpqwc/how_many_russians_does_it_take_to_invade_crimea/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar and one looks to the other and says

"man, I can't believe I blew 40 bucks in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jpq1w/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar_and_one_looks_to/
%
Feminists who get easily triggered...

need to just man up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jpnwq/feminists_who_get_easily_triggered/
%
Why was the lions stomach enormous?

Because he finally swallowed his pride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jpne1/why_was_the_lions_stomach_enormous/
%
If a king farts...

Is it considered a noble gas?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jplof/if_a_king_farts/
%
If I ever adopted a child, I think it'd be black.

I really don't want to have to pay for college.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jpj7v/if_i_ever_adopted_a_child_i_think_itd_be_black/
%
Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?

She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jpfq9/why_was_the_blonde_confused_after_giving_birth_to/
%
A husband and wife are shopping at their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies.
'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.  A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jpe7n/a_husband_and_wife_are_shopping_at_their_local/
%
Sled prices are too damn high

but you can find a good deal if you're willing toboggan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jpc3u/sled_prices_are_too_damn_high/
%
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde...

Three girls, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jpboj/a_brunette_a_redhead_and_a_blonde/
%
My Wife accused me of being immature

I told her to get out of my fort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jp60y/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
%
Someone Stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.

You have my Word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jp3ar/someone_stole_my_microsoft_office_and_theyre/
%
A blonde and her two coats

While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room.
After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing.
She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the living room."
He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked, "Why are you wearing two coats?
She replied, "I read the directions on the paint can, and they said, ''For best results, put on two coats!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jp2xg/a_blonde_and_her_two_coats/
%
A Journalist Visits A Church In a mysterious Desert.

The church stands alone with nothing else in sight.
The journalist opens the towering door and is met by a priest.
Priest: why are you here my child.
Journalist: I would like to know more about the church.
The priest agrees to give him a tour of the church.
The journalist is shown through every room, every nook and every cranny. Everywhere except a trap door located on the ceiling.
Curiosity gets the better of him and the journalist asks him what's behind the door.
Priest: I would absolutely tell you my child but you have to be a priest.
Journalist: Well, how do I become a priest?
Priest: You have to experience the worst pain known to man to become a priest.
The journalist goes home trying to push the thought of the trapdoor from his mind.
Eventually, he cannot take it anymore and throws himself in front of a moving car.
He breaks one arm and one leg.
He returns to the priest, telling him of what he has gone through.
Priest: I'm sorry my child but you still haven't experienced enough pain in order to become a priest.
The journalist, frustrated, returns home once again trying to force himself to forget about the trap door.
But he cannot forget.
The journalist proceeds to drench himself in petrol and set it on fire.
The pain is excruciating and leaves him with 3rd degree burns.
He returns to the church once more stressing to the priest the pain he has experienced.
Priest: terribly sorry my child but that isn't enough.
The journalist, feeling truly defeated returns home again.
But he cannot forget the trapdoor.
The journalist catches a plane and jumps out with no parachute.
He breaks every single bone in his body and drags himself across the desert until he is greeted by the large doors of the church.
The journalist is welcomed by the priest and tells him through a broken jaw and shattered teeth the pain he has experienced.
Priest: very well my child, you are now a priest, what do you want to do now?
Journalist: I wanna see what's behind the trapdoor!
Priest: then I will show you my child please follow me.
The priest walks to a cupboard and pulls out a large ladder.
He props it against the trap door, as he begins to climb.
The journalist struggles to follow him as they finally reach the top.
The door opens revealing everything inside...
I would tell you but you have to be a priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jp1v6/a_journalist_visits_a_church_in_a_mysterious/
%
I broke my finger last week

On the other hand, I am okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jp1dn/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
%
Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics
Interviewer: Could you give me an example?
Me: Yes I could

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jp11m/interviewer_whats_your_greatest_weakness/
%
What food is bad for epileptic people?

Seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5joyd4/what_food_is_bad_for_epileptic_people/
%
My life

That's the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5joxuv/my_life/
%
Someone said my clothes were gay...

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5joxjz/someone_said_my_clothes_were_gay/
%
I went to a haunted house that played 70s music.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5joswh/i_went_to_a_haunted_house_that_played_70s_music/
%
What did Obe Wan say to Skywalker when he was teaching him table manners?

Use the forks Luke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jom0i/what_did_obe_wan_say_to_skywalker_when_he_was/
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Did you hear about the house built by lesbians?

There's no studs, just tongue and groove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jojkq/did_you_hear_about_the_house_built_by_lesbians/
%
If you're worried about not getting a New Year's Eve kiss this year, just remember

Valentine's Day is coming up and you're probably going to be alone for that, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5joi2v/if_youre_worried_about_not_getting_a_new_years/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5joh5b/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
On Christmas morning I want to eat Eggs Benedict out of a hubcap.

Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5joea9/on_christmas_morning_i_want_to_eat_eggs_benedict/
%
What do you call a clock tower somebody lives in?

A timely manor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jocep/what_do_you_call_a_clock_tower_somebody_lives_in/
%
A man and a woman had been married a very, very long time

They kept absolutely no secrets from each other except a small shoe box the woman cautioned the man to never open. The wife was dying, and very close to meeting her maker, so she told the man to go get the box. Opening it, he found $100,000 dollars.m and two crocheted dolls.
Astonished, he asked,
"What is this?"
The wife said,
"When we married, my mother told me the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue. So every time, I got angry at you, I crocheted a doll."
The man was extremely happy, as there were only two dolls in the box, meaning she'd only got mad at him twice in their marriage. But still confused, he asked,
"But where did you get all this money?"
She replied,
"That's the money I made from selling all the other dolls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5job7l/a_man_and_a_woman_had_been_married_a_very_very/
%
Will February March?

No, but April May :')
Sorry, IDK if this was posted before.
And yes, I know it's bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5joam4/will_february_march/
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My redneck cousin is looking for a girl into multiple partners. I told him that was ridiculously cliché...

I mean really.  Cracker wants a poly?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jo76m/my_redneck_cousin_is_looking_for_a_girl_into/
%
What's Gordon Ramsey's favorite film?

IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jo39t/whats_gordon_ramseys_favorite_film/
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Superman is standing on his balcony when suddenly he sees Wonder Woman Sunbathing nude on her balcony

Superman thinks to himself, "I could fly down there super fast and fuck her, and then get the fuck out of there before she even realizes it."
So Superman decides to give it a shot. He fly's down to her balcony at super speeds and fucks her, then leaves as fast as he came.
Wonder Woman jumps up and yells, "What the fuck was that?!"
Then the Invisible man says, "I don't know, but that shit hurt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jo1tv/superman_is_standing_on_his_balcony_when_suddenly/
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Why does a milking stool have only three legs?

Because the cow has the udder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jo1nu/why_does_a_milking_stool_have_only_three_legs/
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A son asks his father, "How many different kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jo0f9/a_son_asks_his_father_how_many_different_kinds_of/
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What's the only bank franchise that doesn't have ATMs?

Sperm banks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnzhs/whats_the_only_bank_franchise_that_doesnt_have/
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Giving Christmas presents always reminds me of what myself and Lil Wayne have in common

We're both terrible wrappers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnzgh/giving_christmas_presents_always_reminds_me_of/
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What’s the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Phelps can actually finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnzfs/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
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What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnxzy/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_a_bottle/
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Strange game of truth or dare

I was at this party the other night, with my Asian friend, Yu. This guy is always down to to anything, so I bring him along wherever I go. Real life of the party, if you know what I mean. Anyways, me and my friends had this really strange twist on truth or dare, we invented a new type of dare called a "to be" dare. In a to be dare, the person dared would have To Be(hence the name) anything the person daring said. If the darer said "be a donkey" that's what you would have to do. So, when it was Yu's turn, he got a "to be" dare. Yu's dare was to be a guy telling an unfunny joke on reddit.
Sorry if you don't find this one funny, but Yu had to be dare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnwg6/strange_game_of_truth_or_dare/
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How do you cut the sea in half?

With a seesaw (I'll see myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnvny/how_do_you_cut_the_sea_in_half/
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Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 it'd be called a chicken sedan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnpvp/why_does_a_chicken_coup_have_2_doors/
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1+1=3

It does take about 9 months though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnpip/113/
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Two guys get lost in a desert

They keep walking for days and weeks, with no water or food, losing all hope to make it out alive. Suddenly, they see a building in the distance and when they get close, they realize it's a mosque. The first guy, Dave, says: "Finally! They are muslims, they will help us, but we need to say that we are muslims as well!"
The second guy, Jack says: "No way, I am Christian, and I will never present myself as a muslim."
Dave says: "Alright, but we must go in. From now on, I'm Mohamed."
They then walk in and Dave says: "I'm Mohamed, this is my friend Jack. We are lost, and we haven't eaten for days. Can you please help us?"
The muslim ordered the other men: "Go bring some food here for Jack, give him whatever he wants to eat and drink!
"And for you Mohamed, happy Ramadan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jno0z/two_guys_get_lost_in_a_desert/
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An old married gay couple have lived a long and happy life together, when suddenly one of them passes away.

The widower attends the funeral home to make arrangements for his partner's farewell. They agree for the body to be cremated, and the funeral director asks the man what he would like to do with his partner's remains. The widower requests for the remains to be returned in an urn.
"I have an additional request also. I'd like you to research some recipes for me," he says, "and sample the spiciest curries available."
The funeral director looks at the man, perplexed, but doesn't press further. And so he investigates different chilis and curries until he stumbles on a great recipe. However, when he presents the recipe to the widower, the widower returns a few days later complaining that it will not suffice, and that it must be spicier.
This continues on, with the funeral director presenting recipe after recipe, each spicier than the last, until one day the widower returns, beaming at the funeral director and carrying his partner's urn under his arm.
"This last recipe was perfect!" he smiles, presenting the urn to the curious funeral director. As the director peers inside, a shadow falls across his face, as he sees, and smells, the most recent and spiciest curry recipe stewing from within.
"Is that... Did you make a... Sir, are you using your partner's remains for the curry recipe I gave you?!" the funeral director demands.
"Yes!" the widower replies. "I just needed to feel him dribble out my arse one last time before I said goodbye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnmur/an_old_married_gay_couple_have_lived_a_long_and/
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Which race eats the most watermelon?

The human race, you racist asshole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnkbq/which_race_eats_the_most_watermelon/
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Sandeep the indian wifebeater punches his wife at 7pm every night

On the dot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnjws/sandeep_the_indian_wifebeater_punches_his_wife_at/
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Dark humor is like food

Not everybody gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnjmp/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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An old man asks a boy at a bus stop for directions

An old man walks up to a kid waiting at a bus stop. He says to the boy h-how d-d-do I g-get t-to high st-street? The boy looks at him but doesn't answer. The old man asks the boy a second time, and no answer. By this time, another man came by the bus stop, and gave the directions. Knowing the boy as being a local kid, he says to him "why didn't you give that man directions? Your local you know where it is." The boy replied "d-did you t-think I-I w-wanted m-m-my a-ass k-k-kicked?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnhl3/an_old_man_asks_a_boy_at_a_bus_stop_for_directions/
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They say money doesn't grow on trees

So what are hedgefunds then?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jngij/they_say_money_doesnt_grow_on_trees/
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A Guy Walks Into A Sex Shop....

He asks for a blow up doll.
And the owner asks male or female?
He says male please.
The owner then asks white or black?
He says white please.
The owner finally asks American or Muslim?
The guy asks what's the difference??
The owner replies, the Muslim blows itself up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnf8m/a_guy_walks_into_a_sex_shop/
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How much paint?

John is just about to sit down to dinner when a knock comes on the door. He answers begrudgingly to a young man.
"Hello." Says the man. "I've just moved in next door and was wondering how much paint you bought to paint your living room?"
"Oh, I got thirty litres." Says John.
The man says thank you and goes on his way.
Two days later John is sitting in his front yard having a beer when his neighbour walks towards him with an angry look on his face.
"Excuse me?" Says the man.
"Can I help you?" John asks.
The man says, "You said you got thirty litres of paint to paint your living room so I went out and bought the thirty, but when I finished I had ten litres left!"
John says, "Yup... so did I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jncpn/how_much_paint/
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If an angel statue is removed from a fountain...

...would that make it a sans seraph font?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jncat/if_an_angel_statue_is_removed_from_a_fountain/
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The first blonde GUY joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said: "Corned beef and cabbage.
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch and exclaimed, Burritos again!"
If I get burritos one more time in my lunch, I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again!
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping off, too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw the corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch bucket, saw the bologna sandwich and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage.
I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jnc0a/the_first_blonde_guy_joke/
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A young couple had just gotten married and were ready to spend the rest of the years together.....

... But 2 weeks after the wedding, Old Aunt Maude came to live with them. Aunt Maude was cranky and snapped often, yelled about nothing and insulted them both regularly.
The young couple discussed often what to do about her, as she was straining their marriage. But in the end they always felt bad about kicking her out or putting her in a home because she was family.
21 long, hard years passed. The couple's marriage was stale and strained. Aunt Maude had truly taken the joy out of their lives. The couple fought often and were miserable, but they held on still.
Aunt Maude finally died and the couple buried her and that was that. On the drive home, the wife worked up her courage and shyly said to her husband, "I don't want to seem harsh, but I'm truly glad that your aunt finally passed. She really put us through a lot."
Her husband turned to her in shock. "*MY* aunt?! I thought she was *YOUR* aunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jn6jn/a_young_couple_had_just_gotten_married_and_were/
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What letter do pirate's hate the most?

Dear Charter Internet Customer:
Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jn4v7/what_letter_do_pirates_hate_the_most/
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Magical meadow (Russian translated)

An Elk walking in the forest hears strange tiny noises "oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah", he follows the voice and sees a small Hedgehog running in cercles on the meadow.
He stops the hedgehog and asks him :
- Hey my friend what are you doing ?
- I just discovered this meadow and I think it's magical! Just run like me and you will feel amazing !
Elk interested shakes the head and starts running.
After 15 minutes of intensive jogging Elk is completely tired he stops, and asks the Hedgehog:
- I don't know ... I don't feel anything
Hedgehog responds with perplexity :
- Does not the grass tickle your willy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jn4uc/magical_meadow_russian_translated/
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Driving down the highway and on the side of the road I see a preist fucking a goat!

I yell out 'hey, wrong kid!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jn4jd/driving_down_the_highway_and_on_the_side_of_the/
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Why did parking tickets increase after Persephone was kidnapped?

Demeter wasn't working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jn4gg/why_did_parking_tickets_increase_after_persephone/
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Cheating at a College Exam

It was finals time in college and the exam for a professor was inside of a large dining hall. There were moderators who were grad students for the professor, and they walked around.
One moderator spotted a student looking at another's paper, and copying. So the moderator went to the professor and reported him for cheating.
The professor said to just let him be for now. Again another moderator saw him cheating and told the professor, once again the professor told him to not do anything yet.
So after a long time almost all the students were gone until the guy who was cheating was one of the last ones left. All the moderators watched him cheat the whole time. Eventually the professor dismissed the moderators. And finally the students came to turn in the paper.
"You don't expect me to accept that sir" said the professor.
"Why not?"said the student.
And the professor said "You cheated on it"
"No I didn't" said the student
"We watched  you cheating the whole time."
"Do you even know who I am?" said the student
"No?"
"Good!"
Then the student took the stack of test on the professors desk, places his test in between them, and threw all the papers on the floor. Then he sprinted out of the hall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jn44x/cheating_at_a_college_exam/
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I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jn1jx/im_not_passive_aggressive/
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A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of bourbon...

The barman pours the drinks and says, "Ten?! Wow! What's the occasion?"
"First blowjob." The man replies.
"Nice." Says the barman. "That is certainly something to celebrate."
"Who said I was celebrating?" The man says. "Im trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jn0eb/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_ten_shots_of/
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I've decided I'll never get down to my original weight

I'm okay with that. After all, 6lbs, 3oz, is just not realistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmy3u/ive_decided_ill_never_get_down_to_my_original/
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Black Testicles

An older man is in the hospital. A nurse walks in and he asks, "Are my testicles black?"  The nurse, taken by surprise replies, "I'm sorry?" So he asks again "Are my testicles black?"  Nurse shakes her head but decides to check for him, after all she is a nurse. She lifts his robe, takes his testicles in hand, lifts and inspect them. She lowers his robe, raises back up to him and says " Mr. Johnson,  you'll be happy to hear your testicles aren't black."  He looks at her, removing his oxygen mask and says, "That's great and all but are my test results back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmrjh/black_testicles/
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My friend started jogging so he'd live longer.

He got hit by a bus and died the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmqbr/my_friend_started_jogging_so_hed_live_longer/
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When does a cup stop being a cup and start being a mug?

When it gets a handle on life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmpgl/when_does_a_cup_stop_being_a_cup_and_start_being/
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What is a North Korean's favorite school subject?

Kimistry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmp5z/what_is_a_north_koreans_favorite_school_subject/
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Guess what?

Chicken butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmp1k/guess_what/
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I recently visited a website with tips for losing weight

And a pop up asked me if I accepted cookies. Is that a trick question?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmm38/i_recently_visited_a_website_with_tips_for_losing/
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So they told me I couldn't live in the gym but I told them...

Squatters' rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmix8/so_they_told_me_i_couldnt_live_in_the_gym_but_i/
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For those people who call themselves Jesus on reddit

I need someone to cut my lawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmhn5/for_those_people_who_call_themselves_jesus_on/
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Why does Santa have such a large sack?

He only empties it once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmh55/why_does_santa_have_such_a_large_sack/
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I hate it when people lie to me

Like one time I broke up with a girl who told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and it isn't even a real magazine.
So I just up and packed my things and left right there in the middle of the night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmh3g/i_hate_it_when_people_lie_to_me/
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Want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmgn7/want_to_hear_a_construction_joke/
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I was having sex with a woman when her husband got home early

She told me to use the back door and to be quick.
I probably should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmfeh/i_was_having_sex_with_a_woman_when_her_husband/
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RIP boiling water

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmf9c/rip_boiling_water/
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The person who proofread all of Hitler's speeches

Was a Grammar Nazi  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmej5/the_person_who_proofread_all_of_hitlers_speeches/
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A young boy asks his dad, "What are politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmc2z/a_young_boy_asks_his_dad_what_are_politics/
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I can't stand Pilates because it's too much like sex.

I sweat, muscles hurt, and then there's a woman yelling at me that I'm not doing it right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmc2p/i_cant_stand_pilates_because_its_too_much_like_sex/
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Devastated. A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...

A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jmbaj/devastated_a_very_sad_day_today_after_seven_years/
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I am satisfied with my life choices. I no longer pay for rent, food, electricity and blow jobs...

not until my jail term ends...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jm5c3/i_am_satisfied_with_my_life_choices_i_no_longer/
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A sniper goes to a shop to buy a viewfinder.

He tries many until the shopkeeper shows him the very best: a fantastic viewfinder worth 3000$.
The sniper tries it out, but he is unsure because of the price. "Ah, take a look" says the shopkeeper "can you see the yellow house there in the middle of the fields?" "Sure thing", says the sniper. "Well, that's my house, four miles from here." "Oh shit, this viewfinder is pretty good! But... Wait... There's a naked woman inside!" "ah, don't worry, it's just my wife, she likes walking naked when she's home alone". "Problem is" says the sniper "she's not alone at all".
The shopkeeper takes the viewfinder from his hands, looks into it and "gosh darnit" he screams "that's the mailman! Listen, here are two bullets - hit my wife in the head and the mailman in his... friend down there and the viewfinder is yours FOR FREE!". The sniper puts the viewfinder on his rifle, looks through it, smiles and says "WELL ONE BULLET IS GONNA BE ENOUGH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jm2fc/a_sniper_goes_to_a_shop_to_buy_a_viewfinder/
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An American Travels to Oxford

An American tourist visiting Oxford asks students sitting in the park, “Excuse me, where’s the library at?”
“Sir, this is Oxford. We do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Where’s the library at, asshole?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jm20z/an_american_travels_to_oxford/
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What makes a good Stalin joke?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jm06a/what_makes_a_good_stalin_joke/
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To be honest

She: You cannot find another girl like me
Me:  I'm not looking for another one like you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jlz44/to_be_honest/
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These skinny jeans are like a cheap hotel

No ballroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jlwvg/these_skinny_jeans_are_like_a_cheap_hotel/
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Every year I work my ass off to get the kids what they want for Christmas but then

That fat bearded bastard gets all the credit. Mind you, It's my fault I married her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jlvzn/every_year_i_work_my_ass_off_to_get_the_kids_what/
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Why are orphans unable to play baseball?

They’ve never known what home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jlv2k/why_are_orphans_unable_to_play_baseball/
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How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

YOU WANNA GO RIDE BIKES??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jlube/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I hate father in laws

So I only date black girls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jlrb0/i_hate_father_in_laws/
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New Password

So I tried to make my new password 'beef stew.'
But it wasn't stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jlp5x/new_password/
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What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?

A spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jljlg/what_do_you_call_a_sketchy_italian_neighborhood/
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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help.

I told her I don't have the money to hire a hitman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jlj2l/i_told_my_ex_i_felt_like_killing_her_and_she_said/
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My girlfriend is a special snowflake

She's cold and flaky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jlhym/my_girlfriend_is_a_special_snowflake/
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection

The judge says, "First offender?"
The woman replies, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jlh9o/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
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What's the difference between the wind and a blonde?

Some days the wind doesn't blow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jlgs8/whats_the_difference_between_the_wind_and_a_blonde/
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I'm going to a solstice party at my in-laws

It's going to be a long night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jlepl/im_going_to_a_solstice_party_at_my_inlaws/
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Sex is like pizza

If you're going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what the fuck you're doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jlana/sex_is_like_pizza/
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Did you hear about the guy who wandered into a vampires-only bar?

He got drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jl8m3/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_wandered_into_a/
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After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...

But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jl7hz/after_my_wife_died_i_havent_been_able_to_look_at/
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Why don't nervous vegans visit Germany?

They fear the wurst!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jl734/why_dont_nervous_vegans_visit_germany/
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How many wrinkles does an asshole have?

Smile and ill start counting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jl3n1/how_many_wrinkles_does_an_asshole_have/
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What position makes the ugliest children?

Ask your parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jl2ry/what_position_makes_the_ugliest_children/
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A plane is about to crash, there are 4 passengers and only 3 parachutes...

The first passenger, Steph Curry, says "I am the best player in the NBA! The Warriors and my fans need me!" and jumps out with the first pack.
The second passenger, Donald Trump, says "I am the most respected and intelligent US president in history! My country needs me!" and jumps out with the second pack.
The third passenger, the Pope, turns to the fourth passenger, a little boy, and says "My son, I don't have many years left in this world, but you have so many years ahead of you. You can take the last parachute." Then the little boy replies "It's ok your Holiness there's still a parachute left for you, Mr. Trump took my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jkywa/a_plane_is_about_to_crash_there_are_4_passengers/
%
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory!

I only took a day off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jkx1q/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_the_calendar/
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I work in a popular hotel...

I see people come in to stay from all over the world, yet for some reason I've never seen a Native American here. I guess they just don't like to make reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jkudi/i_work_in_a_popular_hotel/
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How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power Wash' and 'Rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the lid, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours Sincerely,
The Dog
*Credit to the family friend who sent this joke with their Christmas Card! Gave my family a laugh.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jku90/how_to_wash_a_cat/
%
What do you call a Communist sniper?

A Marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jktm7/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but.

atleast we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jktkr/sure_white_people_cant_say_the_n_word_but/
%
How do you get an art major off your porch?

Pay for the pizza

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jksiv/how_do_you_get_an_art_major_off_your_porch/
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A man parks his bicycle outside the White House

A cop comes to him and ask to remove the bicycle immediately saying, "Haven't you any idea which place is this, this is where all the senators, President, Vice-President stay."
Man calms him down, "Don't worry, I have locked my bicycle."
__________________________________________________________________________
Thanks to /u/percygreen for correcting me from Minister to Senator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jkshh/a_man_parks_his_bicycle_outside_the_white_house/
%
Two Jewish Mothers Talking About Their Sons...

...And one of them says "I sent my son to Israel and he has come back a Christian."
The other Jewish mother listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel and he returned as a Christian."
So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how they all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "Funny you should mention that... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jkrua/two_jewish_mothers_talking_about_their_sons/
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How do you make the best Americanized Chinese food?

Like Tso.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jklp6/how_do_you_make_the_best_americanized_chinese_food/
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When a woman is in labor...

When a woman is in labor and the pain is so unbearable, it is the closest she comes to understanding what it is like to be a man with the common cold.
:}

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jkk6h/when_a_woman_is_in_labor/
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"Two Blondes" fell down in a hole

Two blondes fell down in a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jkie6/two_blondes_fell_down_in_a_hole/
%
I tried wrapping Christmas presents..

But I just didn't have the gift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jkia3/i_tried_wrapping_christmas_presents/
%
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?

Their, they're, there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jkf5u/how_do_you_comfort_a_grammar_fanatic/
%
Last Minute Christmas Shopping

Bob and Sue were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.
Sue suddenly noticed that Bob was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Sue asked, "Bob, where are you? You know we have lots to do."
Bob said,"Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."
Little tears started to flow down Sue’s cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.
"Well, I'm at the Hooters next to that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jkf0l/last_minute_christmas_shopping/
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I've been on this new Vodka diet.

It's great, I've lost 3 days already!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jke7p/ive_been_on_this_new_vodka_diet/
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Failed my biology test today...

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jkcoz/failed_my_biology_test_today/
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I make apocalypse jokes

Like there's no Tomorrow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jk9vk/i_make_apocalypse_jokes/
%
I like my coffee how I like my women...

Cold and bitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jk90h/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
%
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women

a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jk8jb/men_want_the_same_thing_from_their_underwear_that/
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Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement

In the end you ignore it all, wait for the end and click "I agree"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jk6rs/arguing_with_a_woman_is_like_reading_a_software/
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I asked my girlfriend why she always laughs after sex

She says, it's an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jk6nr/i_asked_my_girlfriend_why_she_always_laughs_after/
%
Just went to view a house full of mirrors.

I thought, I can really see myself living here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjzvh/just_went_to_view_a_house_full_of_mirrors/
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Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds.

Poor guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjzod/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
%
What do you call a line of hundreds of rabbits, moving backwards slowly?

A receding hareline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjzjw/what_do_you_call_a_line_of_hundreds_of_rabbits/
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My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."

I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjyyh/my_wife_asked_me_shall_we_go_bowling_or_stay_cozy/
%
King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade.

Before doing so he called to Merlin to devise a cunning chastity belt for Guinevere. The belt contained a miniature guillotine.
Upon his return, he called to his Knights of the Round Table and had them all strip from the waist down.
One by one, he went to each knight and shook his head, telling all those whose members were missing to get out of his sight.
That is until he came up to Lancelot. Seeing that Lancelot was intact, he exclaimed, ''I knew you could be trusted! Name anything you want, and it is yours.''
Lancelot replied '' UNGH!UH! UNGH!'''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjyo6/king_arthur_was_about_to_embark_on_a_long_crusade/
%
I really hate it when

People punchup the fuckline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjy28/i_really_hate_it_when/
%
I was telling my friend a joke. "There was this gorilla...

..."
"I fucking swear, if this is another Harambe joke, I..."
"Well, thanks for killing it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjx6u/i_was_telling_my_friend_a_joke_there_was_this/
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I dated a girl once who turned out to be a cannibal.

That really came back to bite me in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjvux/i_dated_a_girl_once_who_turned_out_to_be_a/
%
Did you hear about the Football player that went to Prison?

He went in as a tight end, but left a wide receiver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjq2p/did_you_hear_about_the_football_player_that_went/
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"What do we want?" "Time travel!" "When do we want it?"

"It's irrelevant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjni0/what_do_we_want_time_travel_when_do_we_want_it/
%
Candy is like virginity

It's easy to take from a child

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjle3/candy_is_like_virginity/
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What do you call a girl who's preventing you from reaching your goal?

A keeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjkji/what_do_you_call_a_girl_whos_preventing_you_from/
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Do you support the AAAAA?

You should. The American Association Against the Abuse of Acronyms is a worthy cause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjjpe/do_you_support_the_aaaaa/
%
My doctor told me to avoid trans fats.

I'm really gonna miss tumblr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjiqh/my_doctor_told_me_to_avoid_trans_fats/
%
I got arrested at the airport last week...

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjfu6/i_got_arrested_at_the_airport_last_week/
%
An old businessmen is dying and decides to write his will... [Long]

An old businessmen is dying and in order to decide which of his three children to give his fortune to, he calls them to his deathbed.
He gives them each a duck and says "Okay, so that you don't squander my fortune when I am gone, I want to make sure that you know how to work a business, so whoever can sell this duck for the most will be given everything I have."
The first son takes his duck to the market, and after an hour of haggling manages to sell it for £50.
The second son decides to take his time in this endeavour, and thus waits until Chinese New Year. He then goes to an expensive Chinese restaurant and manages to sell his duck for £75, confident that he will have won.
Finally, the third son starts looking around, but can't find anywhere that will take it for more than £10. He decides that he can't be arsed with it and goes to his local brothel. He asks if he can pay for sex with his duck, and the prostitute agrees. After they finish up the first time, the prostitute says
"I don't normally like doing it with the guys I get paid by, but that was a lot of fun. I'll give you the duck back if we do it again"
So they go at it again, and just as the third son is putting his trousers back on the duck flies out of the window and gets hit by a limousine.
He sprints out of the brothel and a rich Canadian tourist steps out of the limousine and asks if that was his duck. The son says yes, and the Canadian says
"Oh my I'm so sorry, here this should cover it" and hands him $200.
All pleased with their work, the three children go to their dad and he proceeds to asks them what they got.
The first child says, "I got £50 at the market."
The second child says "I got £75 at a Chinese restaurant."
The third child says "I got a fuck for a duck and a duck for a fuck and two hundred bucks for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jje8v/an_old_businessmen_is_dying_and_decides_to_write/
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My sex life is like Star Wars

Its either Hans Solo or I have to use the force...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjdp9/my_sex_life_is_like_star_wars/
%
Getting really fucking annoyed now!

This is the 6th ATM I've been to, that's had "insufficient funds".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jjcbq/getting_really_fucking_annoyed_now/
%
A man storms into his manager's office

and demands a raise. "And just so you know," he blusters, "three other companies are after me!"
"Is that so?" the manager says. "Which companies in particular?"
"The electricity company, the telephone company and the gas company."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jj3jv/a_man_storms_into_his_managers_office/
%
What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jj2q9/whats_large_grey_and_doesnt_matter/
%
If a Nun changed sex...

Would that make them a tran-sister?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jj03c/if_a_nun_changed_sex/
%
Break ups are the worst in China...

You see her face everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jizpz/break_ups_are_the_worst_in_china/
%
Why is the demand for potato chips rising in China?

They need clean air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jixtu/why_is_the_demand_for_potato_chips_rising_in_china/
%
Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jixkd/why_is_santa_claus_always_so_jolly/
%
Why did the shark keep swimming in circles

It had nosebleed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jiwta/why_did_the_shark_keep_swimming_in_circles/
%
The policeman asked me why I keep beating my wife...

I told him I have a longer reach and superior footwork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jitid/the_policeman_asked_me_why_i_keep_beating_my_wife/
%
Why did the cop climb the tree?

He worked for a special branch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jithx/why_did_the_cop_climb_the_tree/
%
One night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend.

When my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend. Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jiswi/one_night_i_was_about_to_propose_to_my_girlfriend/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jirtb/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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A man's wife told him "if you ever come home drunk again I'm going to leave you."

The next night the man went out and got drunk again and threw up all over himself. The man said to his friend, "I can't go home like this or my wife will leave me!"
"Not to worry. Just put a $20 note in your top pocket and tell her that someone else threw up on you and gave you money for the cleaning bill." Said the friend.
And so the man came home and his wife was furious.
"It's not what it looks like!" said the man, "another man threw up on me and gave me $20 for the cleaning bill."
She said, "why have you got two $20 notes in your hand then?"
The man replied, "The other is for the man who shat in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jinji/a_mans_wife_told_him_if_you_ever_come_home_drunk/
%
Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first scientist says to the bartender, "I'll have some H2O." The bartender nods and gives the man a glass of water.
The second scientists says, "I'll have some H2O, too."
The bartender nods and gives the man a glass of water as well, because he speaks English and understands that the second scientist, rather than requesting a drink which would kill him, simply wanted a glass of water in addition to his friend's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jijve/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jijty/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_shed_like_a_day_of/
%
What's do pot and pusssy have in common?

You can tell the quality if you can smell it across the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jij89/whats_do_pot_and_pusssy_have_in_common/
%
Light a man a fire

and he'll be warm for a hour. Light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jij6t/light_a_man_a_fire/
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Do you speak English ?

- Yes.
- Name?
- Abdul Al-Rhasib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't it hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jii5q/do_you_speak_english/
%
Buses are like pornstars...

Nothing for an hour then they all cum at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jiel4/buses_are_like_pornstars/
%
An average person has sex 300 times a year.

The next 10 days are gonna be sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jie7z/an_average_person_has_sex_300_times_a_year/
%
Why did the mexican take xanax?

For hispanics attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jibxu/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
Why do blondes have bruises on their bellybuttons?

Because blonde guys aren't that smart either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jibs0/why_do_blondes_have_bruises_on_their_bellybuttons/
%
A guy walks into a bar, and sees Trump and Cruz sitting in a booth.

He walks over there and says: "Wow! It's such an honor meeting both of you! What are you doing here?"
Cruz: "We're planning World War III."
Guy: "Really? What's going to happen?"
Cruz: "We're going to kill 140 million Muslims and a blonde with big tits."
Guy: "What? Why the blonde with big tits?"
Trump: "See Cruz, I told you nobody cares about the 140 million Muslims!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jibnc/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_trump_and_cruz/
%
[NSFW] What's the difference between a good piece of pie and a good piece of p*ssy?

Crust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jiavs/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_good_piece_of/
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I started 2016 with a goal to lose 20 pounds

Only 30 more to go and I'm there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jia2x/i_started_2016_with_a_goal_to_lose_20_pounds/
%
I have a step ladder.

I just wish I knew who my real ladder was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ji9ja/i_have_a_step_ladder/
%
What's the scariest path?

The psychopath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ji8e4/whats_the_scariest_path/
%
How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ji6ty/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
%
A guy goes to The Philippines for a two week vacation

While there he makes it a point to sleep with a different prostitute every night.  A few days after he gets home he notices his dick beginning to turn black and blue and shrivel up, so he immediately goes to the doctor.
The doctor runs a few tests and says "I hate to tell you this, but I'm afraid we're going to have to amputate."
The guy says "Oh, hell no!  Look, doc, no offense, but I think I'll get a second opinion."
The next doctor takes one look and says "Oh,no, when I was a doctor in the Navy I was stationed in the Philippines for a few years and saw several cases like yours.  There's no need to amputate."
"Oh, thank God!" says the guy.
"Yeah", says the doctor. "it'll fall off by itself in the next week, or so."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ji5iv/a_guy_goes_to_the_philippines_for_a_two_week/
%
The term "Grammar Nazi" is no longer as common

It is now called the "alt-write".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ji5e6/the_term_grammar_nazi_is_no_longer_as_common/
%
What's Hitler's favorite video game.

Meinkraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jhy6g/whats_hitlers_favorite_video_game/
%
If I could have any superpower in the world

It would have to be Cold War era Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jhx43/if_i_could_have_any_superpower_in_the_world/
%
I like my girl like I like... Reddit

Unexpectedly down on me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jhwfd/i_like_my_girl_like_i_like_reddit/
%
How many cats sawed in half does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently 10 aren't enough :\

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jhthb/how_many_cats_sawed_in_half_does_it_take_to/
%
Teach a Nigerian to fish...

He'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start emailing people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jhrzv/teach_a_nigerian_to_fish/
%
I farted in an Apple store today and everyone yelled at me...

Like it's my fault they don't have Windows...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jhovp/i_farted_in_an_apple_store_today_and_everyone/
%
Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself?

He was already suspended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jhouw/why_didnt_they_punish_the_student_who_hung_himself/
%
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jhmwo/whats_the_difference_between_an_alligator_and_a/
%
Why can't you trick an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jhmbs/why_cant_you_trick_an_aborted_fetus/
%
Did you hear about the Make A Wish Foundation going bankrupt?

Some kid wished for more wishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jhj25/did_you_hear_about_the_make_a_wish_foundation/
%
My girlfriend just dumped me because I she says I talk too much about video games...

...It's a horribl**e** thing to Fallout 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jhhdh/my_girlfriend_just_dumped_me_because_i_she_says_i/
%
Somebody broke into my house yesterday, and stole all my lamps.

I was delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jhcbd/somebody_broke_into_my_house_yesterday_and_stole/
%
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jhago/everybody_on_earth_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
Do you know any snake jokes?

'cause I serpently don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jh9dn/do_you_know_any_snake_jokes/
%
I failed my driver's test today...

The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?"
I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jh6wp/i_failed_my_drivers_test_today/
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A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar.

Bartender yells, “What is this, some sort of joke?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jh4cv/a_priest_a_rabbi_a_nun_two_gorillas_a_leopard_a/
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A guy drives in an Italian countryside...

A guy drives in an Italian countryside, and at the turn of a corner he's stopped by a paesano with a shotgun, who gets him out of the car, and yells:
- You musta jack-off, now!
- What?  But...
- You musta take your dick out and masturbate, right now or I'll shoot you!
So the guy has no choice, and does what the paesano asks. After 5 minutes, he's done, and the paesano shouts "Again, now! Or I shoot!".
The guy doesn't understand what's going on, but no choice, he tries to focus as much as he can, he close his eyes and thinks of beautiful girls, and after 10 minutes of effort, he manages to cum.
"Again, or I'll shoot! I'll splash your brains on the road!" yells the paesano
This is really getting too much, but what choice does he have? The poor guy thinks of all his fantasies, even the darkest, and after twenty minutes of painstaking jacking off, his dick raw and sore, he manages to spout a little drop of cum.
He's exhausted, and begs "No more please, I really can't do it anymore"
So the paesano goes behind a bush and brings back a pretty young girl, and gently asks the guy:
"In that case, mister, could you kindly drive my sister to the  city?"
PS: I didn't see this posted before as far as I know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jh20z/a_guy_drives_in_an_italian_countryside/
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Give a teen a basketball and he would have fun for a day

Give a blind man a basketball and he would read it like a book

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jgynh/give_a_teen_a_basketball_and_he_would_have_fun/
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I got in from the pub and poured myself a glass of water.

"You're drunk, aren't you?" said a disappointed voice behind me.
"What makes you say that, honey?" I asked.
She said, "This isn't your house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jgs41/i_got_in_from_the_pub_and_poured_myself_a_glass/
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Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first one says, "I'd like some H2O."
The second says, "And I'll have some H2... wait. Why aren't you just referring to water by its normal name? I mean, I know it's our job, but we're just getting a drink."
The first scientist slams the table angrily, for his assassination scheme had been foiled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jgptg/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
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If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO: CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'....... ......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jgpt9/if_bud_abbott_and_lou_costello_were_alive_today/
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I love giving my girlfriend orgasms.

Too bad she just spits them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jgjwa/i_love_giving_my_girlfriend_orgasms/
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What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jgiw1/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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A blonde and a redhead are sitting in a bar

and on TV is news footage of a guy threatening to jump off of a building. The redhead says "Hundred bucks says he jumps." The blonde says "You're on!" and they precede to watch. After about 2 or 3 minutes of crying, the man jumps off of the building. The blonde reaches into her purse and grabs the money but the redhead shakes her head and says "I can't take your money. This is from earlier today, I've already seen this." "So did I." Said the blonde "I just didn't think he'd do it twice!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jgemw/a_blonde_and_a_redhead_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
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On a scale of 0-1...

How much do you love binary?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jgdny/on_a_scale_of_01/
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Me: “Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?"

Boss: “It's May.”
Me: “Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jgd68/me_can_i_have_a_few_extra_days_off_before/
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Blonde walks into appliance store

A blonde walks into an appliance store, a salesman approaches her and asks "How may I help you?" The blonde responds "I'd like to buy this tv" the salesman says "sorry we don't sell to blondes" furious the blonde leaves. A couple days later she dyes her hair Brown and goes back, the same salesman is there and says "How may I help you?" She replies "I'd like to buy this tv" again the salesman says "sorry we don't sell to blondes" again the blonde leaves madder then the time before. Finally a week later the blonde dyes her hair red and goes back for one last try, the same salesman comes up and says "How may I help you?" The blonde says "I'd like to buy this tv" the salesman responds "sorry we don't sell to blondes" the blonde says "I've dyed my hair two different times how have you known I'm blonde both times?" The salesman responds "because that's a microwave"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jgbe0/blonde_walks_into_appliance_store/
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What are the chemicals in a midget's body that make them happy?

En-dwarf-ins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jg9cs/what_are_the_chemicals_in_a_midgets_body_that/
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Girls are like math problems...

If they are under 18, it's best you do them in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jg9bg/girls_are_like_math_problems/
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17 years ago, on 20 Dec 1999, a Portuguese farmer was reading the newspaper before tending to his fields and work

His wife walks in the door and quickly glances at the newspaper. "Honey," she says, "We lost one of our animals."
The farmer says nothing.
She asks him, "Where's Macau?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jg95q/17_years_ago_on_20_dec_1999_a_portuguese_farmer/
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A man walks into a bar

He goes to the bartender and says "You want to see something cool?"
Bartender says,  "Sure, why not"
The man pulls out a little man from his pocket and places him on the table.
Man asks, "You want to see something even more cool?"
Bartender says, "Of course!"
The man pulls out a little piano from his pocket and the little man starts playing the piano.
The bartender is amazed and asked "How did you do that?!?"
The man responds, well there is a genie outside granting wishes.
The bartender rushes out in order to get his wish granted. A minute later the bartender and a rush of ducks fill the bar.
The bartender goes to the man and says "I think the genie is hard of hearing. I asked for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks"
"Of course the genie is hard of hearing!" the man responds, "You really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jg7xk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do the World Wide Web and the Prime Minister of Israel have in common?

They are both Net and Yahoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jg7m8/what_do_the_world_wide_web_and_the_prime_minister/
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Gay porn is so funny,

I can't keep a straight face while watching it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jg3zy/gay_porn_is_so_funny/
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Two Irish men are nailing down floorboards

The first man grabs a nail but it is upside down so he tosses it away. He grabs the next nail but it also upside down so he throws that away too. He continues this process until he finds one the right side down.
The second man comes over and say "What the hell are you doing?" The first man replies, "Im trying to nail down the floor boards but the nails are no good. They are upside down!"
The second man shakes his head and say, "You idiot! Don't throw the nails away. We can use them for the ceiling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jg25a/two_irish_men_are_nailing_down_floorboards/
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What does it's job ONLY after it has been fired?

A bullet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jg246/what_does_its_job_only_after_it_has_been_fired/
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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jg20z/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
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There are two kind of women in this world.

Those who get mad about everything, and those who get mad about nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jg1hl/there_are_two_kind_of_women_in_this_world/
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As a ginger person, I find tanning to be easy

I just go sit underneath the full moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jg08e/as_a_ginger_person_i_find_tanning_to_be_easy/
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What do honesty and a short dick have in common?

I've got both.
^^:(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfy7i/what_do_honesty_and_a_short_dick_have_in_common/
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You shouldn't make fun of people who use Viagra.

It's hard enough for them already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfxgt/you_shouldnt_make_fun_of_people_who_use_viagra/
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Have you heard that they replaced the wishing well with a scientist?

Instead of granting wishes, he wishes for grants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfv3g/have_you_heard_that_they_replaced_the_wishing/
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My Entire Family are Police Marksmen, Apart from my Granddad, who was a Bank Robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfs2r/my_entire_family_are_police_marksmen_apart_from/
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What is Putin having for Christmas?

Turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfp6t/what_is_putin_having_for_christmas/
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A telephone company is hiring for a position digging holes for telephone poles.

Two applicants, Bob and George, come forward. They both are well qualified for the position, so the hiring manager devises a competition to see who will get the job. He says "Whoever digs the most holes with a telephone pole in it will get the job." At the end of the day, the manager asks how many they installed. Bob says "7." George says "5." The manager says "Sorry George, since Bob dug more holes and put telephone poles in them, I'm going to have to offer him the job." George says, "but thats not fair. He cheated." The manager looks at Bob, then George, and says "how?" George says "He left parts of his telephone poles sticking up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfmi6/a_telephone_company_is_hiring_for_a_position/
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My Grandma's favorite saying

Life is the ultimate disease. Its sexually transmitted and terminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfme0/my_grandmas_favorite_saying/
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I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.

She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfkb3/i_told_my_girlfriend_we_can_either_have_sex_or_go/
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How many ears does Mr. Spock have?

3; The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfhnw/how_many_ears_does_mr_spock_have/
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I like my coffee how I like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfgjr/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_slaves/
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I went to buy a Christmas tree.

The guy said, "Are you gonna put it up yourself?"
I said, "No, I was thinking the living room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jffws/i_went_to_buy_a_christmas_tree/
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My friend thinks he's smart

He said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfebe/my_friend_thinks_hes_smart/
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Why are C programmers just the worst?

They're classless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfe1o/why_are_c_programmers_just_the_worst/
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Anal sex is like getting your first car

You dont really want it but your step dad gives it To you anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfcmg/anal_sex_is_like_getting_your_first_car/
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Snail with an attitude

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfccb/snail_with_an_attitude/
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My girlfriend says if this post will get 1000 upvotes

she'll start to exist :'(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jfavs/my_girlfriend_says_if_this_post_will_get_1000/
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A man goes to the zoo and the only animal there is a dog,

It's a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jf9dg/a_man_goes_to_the_zoo_and_the_only_animal_there/
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A blonde is driving down the street...

Suddenly she is stopped by a police car. A police officer gets out of the car and walks up to her car and says: "Ma'am I'm gonna need to see your papers and your drivers license."
The blonde hands him her papers but looks at the police officer confused and asks: "Aren't my papers and my drivers license the same thing?"
"No Ma'am, your drivers license is like a small flat thing with a picture of you on it.
The blonde is searching her back when she suddenly yells:" Found it!" and hands the police officer a mirror.
The police officer replies:" Oh, I'm sorry. If i would have known you worked for the police too i would't have stopped you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jf98m/a_blonde_is_driving_down_the_street/
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Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, that's a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jf7rl/q_how_many_software_engineers_does_it_take_to/
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What's the best part about fingering...

What's the best part of fingering a psychic while she's on her period?
You still get your palm red

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jf5uv/whats_the_best_part_about_fingering/
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My wife says if we get 1000 upvotes we can have sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation

2000 and she'll let me do it with the lights on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jf4kv/my_wife_says_if_we_get_1000_upvotes_we_can_have/
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What did the cheeseburger name her daughter?

Patty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jf4e6/what_did_the_cheeseburger_name_her_daughter/
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Why can't PC gamers use Uber?

Too many incompatible drivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jezhz/why_cant_pc_gamers_use_uber/
%
One cold winter morning, during the Christmas season, a mailman was doing his route.

As he was
delivering all the Christmas cards, he came to a
house and realized that they had so much mail that
it wouldn't fit in the box, so he decided to knock
on the door.
As the door was answered, a beautiful blond woman
stood staring at him. The mailman said "I'm sorry
for bothering you, but I couldn't get all your
mail into your box, so here it is."
The woman looked at him and said, "Why don't you
come in and take a break - it's cold outside!" The
mailman agreed an stepped into the house.
A few minutes later, the woman says, "I have an
idea.  Let's go upstairs and make love!" The
woman was quite beautiful, so the mailman followed
her.
After a while, the two came back down the stairs.
The mailman said, "Wow, that was great but I must
be getting back to my route."
The lady replied, "Oh, don't go yet, let's have
some breakfast!" She then opened the door to the
dining room and the table was covered with food.
After the meal, the mailman said, "Okay, I've
really got to go!"
The woman replied, "Well, thank you," and handed
him a one dollar bill.
The mailman was confused. "What's going on here?
You invite me in, make love to me, cook me a great
breakfast, then hand me a dollar!"
The woman replied, "Well, I asked my husband the
other day what he thought we should give the
mailman for Christmas. He said,'Oh, screw him!
Give'em a dollar!' But breakfast was my idea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jexkn/one_cold_winter_morning_during_the_christmas/
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Do your socks have holes in them?

No? Then how did you get them on?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jew26/do_your_socks_have_holes_in_them/
%
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty."
Mom fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jeudk/little_sally_came_home_from_school_with_a_smile/
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We have little Johnny in Australia too.

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom just as his mother is getting out of the bath.
He points at her nether region and asks "mummy, what's that?"
She thinks quickly and replies "that's where god hit me with his little golden axe."
Little Johnny replies "geez, he got you right in the c**t didn't he"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jeta2/we_have_little_johnny_in_australia_too/
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My wife says if this post gets thousand upvotes, we can do anal.

I'm tired of the other posts. It's me in her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jesep/my_wife_says_if_this_post_gets_thousand_upvotes/
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Quickly after robbing my bakery, a man got a severe headache

Serves him right. It's not his grain, it's migraine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jes6q/quickly_after_robbing_my_bakery_a_man_got_a/
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A woman walks into Harrods...

She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to  inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her: Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jerk4/a_woman_walks_into_harrods/
%
Took a peak at one of my Christmas presents.

A bag of rice?  Thanks a lot Uncle Ben.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jerfy/took_a_peak_at_one_of_my_christmas_presents/
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Miss Jorgensen's 6th grade class was studying WW2...

So she invites Ollie Svensen, the only surviving veteran in their area to talk to them. He had been a fighter pilot, and described his fist battle as having "fuckers above shootin' me, fuckers below shootin' at me, fuckers everwhere shootin!"
As the class giggled, the teacher said, "Mr. Svensen, I don't think the children know that Fokker was the name of some enemy aircraft."
"Yah, that's true," Ollie replied, "But these fuckers was flyin' Messerschmitts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jen32/miss_jorgensens_6th_grade_class_was_studying_ww2/
%
My wife wouldn't let me spank her ass cheeks during foreplay

So in revenge I super-glued them together.  I figured if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jel5e/my_wife_wouldnt_let_me_spank_her_ass_cheeks/
%
My friend just hired an Eastern European cleaner and it took her 15 hours to vacuum the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.
If this is a repost then sorry, but I heard it today and haven't seen it on here before...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jeifu/my_friend_just_hired_an_eastern_european_cleaner/
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Christian kittens.

A preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box.
When he got closer he could see that the box held a litter of new-born kittens.  "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.  "They're Christian kittens," replied the little girl.
The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her thoughts.
A few days later the preacher saw the little girl again.
"And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" he asked.
"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're atheist kittens," replied the girl.
"But... I thought you said they were Christian kittens?" responded the preacher, concerned over the sudden change.
"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jeh2n/christian_kittens/
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Please pray for Bob....

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jebqo/please_pray_for_bob/
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A terrorist walks into a Christmas party

Just kidding.
He drove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jeaet/a_terrorist_walks_into_a_christmas_party/
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What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"
"DeNephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5je8a9/whats_in_a_name/
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Interviewer: What are your strengths?

Applicant: I fall in love easily
Interviewer: Um.. ok what are your weaknesses?
Applicant: Those blue eyes of yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5je7ba/interviewer_what_are_your_strengths/
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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says

I'll have 5 shots of tequila please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5je73w/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_holds_up_2_fingers_and/
%
I told my therapist that I was hearing voices.

He told me I didn't have a therapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5je4w6/i_told_my_therapist_that_i_was_hearing_voices/
%
Life is like a penis, loose and hanging freely.

Until a woman comes along and makes it hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5je4e5/life_is_like_a_penis_loose_and_hanging_freely/
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Haikus are quite nice...

But sometimes they don't make sense.
Refrigerator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdyhx/haikus_are_quite_nice/
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How do you make a duck sing soul music?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdx5m/how_do_you_make_a_duck_sing_soul_music/
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When I see a lovers name carved in a tree,

I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdwfa/when_i_see_a_lovers_name_carved_in_a_tree/
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The Blonde jokes

A woman yells to a blonde walking along a river, "How do I get on the other side!?" The blonde says, "You are on the other side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdv71/the_blonde_jokes/
%
Who is this Rorschach guy??

And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdv4p/who_is_this_rorschach_guy/
%
(NSFW) The 2016 Presidential election was like lesbian porn.

Always fun to watch two pussies try to fuck each other, but it would have been better with a Johnson on top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdt3y/nsfw_the_2016_presidential_election_was_like/
%
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdplk/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_2_brain_cells/
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What came first the car or the wheel?

The car because a wheel isn't cary fast but a car is wheely fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdp43/what_came_first_the_car_or_the_wheel/
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Chuck Norris jokes

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdlx3/chuck_norris_jokes/
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police and public

Caller: Dials in 911 Hello officer, I broke my arm in 3 places!
Officer: Then stop going to those places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdlj3/police_and_public/
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Slipped on black ice

So the other day I slipped on some black ice, at first I thought it was normal ice, but when I got up i noticed my wallet was missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdkas/slipped_on_black_ice/
%
Man I really hate calculus.

It just derives me crazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdjfs/man_i_really_hate_calculus/
%
"Jesus, I've come to you for redemption," I pleaded.

"Sorry sir, that coupon is no longer valid," said the Mexican store keeper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdgv6/jesus_ive_come_to_you_for_redemption_i_pleaded/
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The Secret Service has come up with a new plan for protecting our president-elect.

In the event of an armed attack, they will yell "Donald, duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdgp5/the_secret_service_has_come_up_with_a_new_plan/
%
Three men survive a plane crash in the jungle and were captured by a local tribe

This tribe were savages and found them as dangerous intruders. The cheif came and told the tribe to kill them.
The three men began begging and crying and the cheif decided to offer them a choice: "boolah boolah" or death.
The first guy says, "I dont know what boolah boolah is, but I dont wanna die! I choose boolah boolah." Each man in the tribe then lined up and raped the guy. He left the area crying, but he was free.
The second guy is panicking and through tears says, "I dont want to die... boolah boolah". The same happens to him.
Its time for the third guy to choose, and he says, "I choose death." The cheif asks, "Are you sure? You can go out a free man right after." He then replies, "Yep. Im sure. I much rather die than have to go through that." The cheif replies, "okay... DEATH BY BOOLAH BOOLAH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdegp/three_men_survive_a_plane_crash_in_the_jungle_and/
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I only believe 12.5% of what the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdcnv/i_only_believe_125_of_what_the_bible_says/
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How does NASA throw a holiday party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdckb/how_does_nasa_throw_a_holiday_party/
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Do you know how Jewish birds chirp?

Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jdc1a/do_you_know_how_jewish_birds_chirp/
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"DO NOT TOUCH" Must be the scariest thing to read ...

... in Braille.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jd653/do_not_touch_must_be_the_scariest_thing_to_read/
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Man gets fired from his job...

...And dreading going home to his wife, he instead heads to a nearby bar.  The man saddles up to the bar and orders a Jack and Coke.  The bartender smiles, pulls an apple from under the bar, shines it against his shirt, and sets it on the bar.
"I said a Jack and Coke," complains the man.  "What the hell is this?"
The bartender chuckles and says, "Just eat the apple."
The man shrugs, thinking that maybe the bartender just wants him to get something in his stomach before drinking.  He takes a bite of the apple and to his surprise, it tastes like Coca-Cola.
"Wow," the man exclaims, "that really tastes like a Coke!  But where's the Jack Daniels?"
"Turn the apple around," advises the bartender.  The man does so, takes a bite, and is again shocked when it tastes like whiskey.  The man eagerly finishes that apple.
"Alright, let's shee if you can do a Screwdriver," the man says, feeling a bit tipsy.
The bartender reaches under the bar again, pulls out another apple, shines it against his shirt, and sets it on the bar.
"Bullshit," says the man incredulously.  "You gonna shtand there and shay this apple is gonna taste like a Shcrewdriver?"
The bartender says, "Just eat the apple."
The man takes a bite and reels back, "God, that's some strong vodka!  But you forgot the orange juice."
"Turn the apple around," advises the bartender.  The man does, takes a bite, and laughs giddily as the apple tastes like the best Screwdriver he's ever had.
At this point, the man is feeling quite drunk.  Seeing as how he's the only person in the bar, he blurts out to the bartender, "Ya know what I could reeeaaally go for?  Shum pusshy."
The bartender smiles, pulls an apple from under the bar, shines it against his shirt, and sets it on the bar.
"No fucking way.  That'sh bullshit!  No fucking way," the man shouts.  "You're telling me that thish apple ish gonna tashte like a pusshy?!"
The bartender says, "Just eat the apple."
The man takes a huge bite.  A look of pure shock shows on his face.  He yells, "Ugh, this tastes like SHIT!"
"Turn the apple around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jd622/man_gets_fired_from_his_job/
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What do you call a computer that can sing really well?

A Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jd5qe/what_do_you_call_a_computer_that_can_sing_really/
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The Wall

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work.
The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jd3sm/the_wall/
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[NSFW] Your gorilla joke reminded me...

A guy walks in to a bar. He sits down and orders a drink. After a few drinks, he and the bartender start talking about cars, family, and life in general - really hitting it off.
So the bartender says, "Hey bud, you want to see something really great?"
"Yeah, sure man. What is it?"
"This is just for you. Once everyone leaves and I lock up, I'll show you."
Last call comes and goes and the bartender locks the door after the last person leaves.
The bartender goes back in to the office behind the bar and brings out a huge gorilla with a chain around his neck.
The bartender says, "Watch this!", as he reaches behind the bar a grabs a baseball bat. He proceeds to strike the gorilla so hard on the head that it makes a loud echoing noise.
The gorilla immediately drops to its knees and begins sucking the bartender's cock.
The bartender looks over at the guy at the bar and says, "Pretty neat, huh? You want to try it?"
"Sure, I guess. Just don't hit me so hard with that bat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jd2hg/nsfw_your_gorilla_joke_reminded_me/
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A thief

climbs in through a ground floor window one night and starts looking for valuables in the sitting room when suddenly he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he shows hi flashlight around the room but upon seeing nothing continues his search. A few minutes later he heard the same voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he flicks on the light switch and discovers a parrot in the corner. The parrot says "Jesus is watching you." The robber replies "are you Jesus?"
The parrot says "no I am Moses."
The robber replies " who calls there parrot Moses?" To which the parrot replies " the same guy that calls his Rottweiler Jesus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jd1ag/a_thief/
%
I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid...

...but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jd0kf/i_wanted_to_be_an_astronaut_when_i_was_a_kid/
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My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jd06n/my_wife_says_if_this_post_gets_over_1000_upvotes/
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A woman stood in court accused of attacking her musician husband with his own guitars.

The judge looked down from his elevated position and asked "First Offender?"
The accused replied "No your honour, first a Gibson then a Fender".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jcyrf/a_woman_stood_in_court_accused_of_attacking_her/
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Whom to fire?

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”
Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”
Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jcxxv/whom_to_fire/
%
Awful chat-up line: "Did your mother have zika virus?"

Because I like a little head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jcvum/awful_chatup_line_did_your_mother_have_zika_virus/
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Jimmy was always a big fan of tractors

He absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control tractors and even tractor board games. All he ever wanted to do was one day own his own tractor. When Jimmy was 15 he even managed to find himself some tractor porn, which was not easy to come by. One day whilst Jimmy was reading about tractors he gets a call from the hospital, his father had been in an accident and he needed to get there right away. Jimmy immediately put down his book and ran to the hospital to see his father. Once he arrived he was greeted by a nurse and taken to see his father, it was bad, his father was crossing a road when a car came hurling down the street and hit him. The nurse told him that he may not have long left and left the room, his father, very weakly said, "Jimmy, all your life all you have ever wanted was a tractor, if I don't make it through this I will leave you my estate and you can buy your very own tractor." After more heartfelt conversation between the two, his father sadly passed away. A few weeks later Jimmy received his father's wealth and set off to a farming auction to buy himself a tractor. The first tractor for sell was a dark green onre, it was just within his budget and he really took a shine to it, so he bid and bid until he reached his limit and then said to himself, "no more, I will wait for the next one". The next tractor up was a modern blue tractor, Jimmy like this one even more than the first one so as before he bid and bid until he reached his limit, but this was a great tractor so he carried on bidding a little bit more but alas he kept getting outbid. So he stopped and waited for the third tractor. This tractor was the cutting edge red tractor, Jimmy immediately fell in love as it was on the cover of his porno magazine, he was now determined to get this tractor. So he bid and bid and bid but just kept getting outbid, he then passed double what he was willing to spend because he loved this tractor so much, so he kept bidding but to no avail, he simply just getting outbid, with tears in his eyes Jimmy let it go and left the auction. He walked home absolutely devastated that he couldn't get the tractor he wanted, this eventually became rage and he ripped off his tractor wallpaper, through out his remote control tractors, the out his tractor board games and he even burnt his tractor porn. After this rage he decided to go to a bar to make him feel better. The bar he choose to drown his sorrows ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that he was having some trouble breathing. After many minutes of displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the bar, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he went back over to the bar, the barman asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jcuvr/jimmy_was_always_a_big_fan_of_tractors/
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A highway patrolman flags down a car

that's weaving from lane to lane.
"License and registration, please,"
the cop barks through the window. The driver hands them over.
"Look," says the policeman, it says here plain as day that you should be wearing glasses."
As he begins to write a ticket, the driver blurts out,
"But I have contacts!"
The cop replies,
"I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jcugd/a_highway_patrolman_flags_down_a_car/
%
My doctor told me to avoid trans fats.

I'm really gonna miss tumblr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jctdv/my_doctor_told_me_to_avoid_trans_fats/
%
A man enters an elevator of a fancy hotel and says "Ballroom please"

The lady standing in front of him replies "I'm sorry, I didn't realise I was crowding you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jcrdn/a_man_enters_an_elevator_of_a_fancy_hotel_and/
%
A man goes to his doctors office

The doctor says, "I've got bad news and worse news, which would you like first?"
The man is visibly dejected, "I guess the bad news."
"Okay, you only have 24 hours to live." Says the doctor
"Oh my god! What news could be worse than this!" The man wails.
"I forgot to call you yesterday..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jcptf/a_man_goes_to_his_doctors_office/
%
A man dies and makes his way into the Pearly Gates of heaven...

...next thing he knows he’s standing with God and he asks
“God, why is it you made women so beautiful?”
God replies, “So that you will love them my son.”
The man goes on and asks, “why do you make them smell so
good?”
God replies, “So that you will love them my son.”
The man goes on and asks again, why did you make women so
stupid?”
God replies, “So that they will love you my son.”﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jcp7j/a_man_dies_and_makes_his_way_into_the_pearly/
%
A pastor is speaking to his church.

He tells them, 'I have good and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay off all the church debts and build a new wing to the church.'
The congregation clapped and cheered.
He continues. 'The bad news is, it's still in your pockets.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jchxu/a_pastor_is_speaking_to_his_church/
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I recently broke up with my mobster boyfriend...

Turns out he was sleeping with the fishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jch0e/i_recently_broke_up_with_my_mobster_boyfriend/
%
Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?"

Me: "I can't say I do."
Therapist: "That's one of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jcgg8/therapist_i_think_you_have_a_phobia_of_marriage/
%
A depressed man walks into a bar...

A depressed man walks into a bar. Not just any bar though, this bar is located on the 112th floor of a skyscraper. The depressed man, dragging his head, sits down and with a slight sob in his voice asks the bar tender for his cheapest whiskey.
A tall, somewhat nerdy looking gentleman sitting nearby notices the depressed man, "Hey buddy, what's bothering you?".
The depressed man looks deep into his glass shaking slightly, "My wife left me for my best friend... she took everything, the house, my kids, my money, even my dog. I have nothing left".
The gentleman smirks, "Well hey, it's never too late to turn things around".
The depressed man turns with empty bloodshot eyes, in a harsh tone, "What do you know of it, pretty boy?! It's easy to say that shit when you're so well off!"
The gentleman slaps his knee, "Hah! Just three months ago I was right where you're sitting! There is a secret in this bar though... one that can change everything!"
Skeptical, the depressed man scoffed, "Yeah, right. Sure..."
The gentleman stands up sharply and gestures to a window behind him, "This here is a magical window. If you leap from it and make a wish on the way down, you will instantly pop back into this room and your wish will be granted!"
The depressed man drinks from his cheap whiskey and pretends to ignore the clearly insane ramblings.
Grinning, the gentleman walks to the window and opens it, "Don't believe me? Fine, I'll prove it to you." The gentleman begins to step out of the window...
In a state of shock, the depressed man stumbles to try and pull the lunatic from the open window, but he is too late! In a thundering clap, the entire bar shakes as a gust of wind rips through, clashing glasses and knocking over stools. To the depressed man's disbelief, the gentleman was back in the room standing near the pool tables!
In awe, the depressed man stutters, "H...how... wh... what did you wish for?!.
With proud look the gentleman announced, "I wished for superhuman strength!" As he spoke, he grasped the side of the nearby pool table and lifted it high into the air with a single hand!
The depressed man still in shock looked back at the magic window, "S... so all I need to do is c... climb out that window and make a wish??"
The gentleman nodded. Moving towards the window the depressed man was scared, but for the first time in months he was gripped by another emotion - hope. He looks out the window down 112 stories to the busy steers below. The people down below looked like ants trapped in a maze. The man hesitated and looked back. With one last nod from the gentleman, he let go of the windowsill.
After several moments the hard packing sound mixed with shattered glass and the screams of women rang out through the air.
The bartender, while cleaning the whiskey glass, says in a disapproving tone, "That was fucked up, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jcfql/a_depressed_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man walks into a bar and notices a sign [NSFW]

It reads
-Beer $2
-Cheese Sandwich $1
-Hand Jobs 50¢
The man, sits down and has a few drinks.
Now quite drunk, he looks over at the aging bartender and slurs.
"Are you the woman who gives the Hand Jobs?"
"Yes I am sweetie." She replies with a wink.
"Well wash your fuckin' hands bitch, I want a Cheese Sandwich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jcf3w/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_notices_a_sign_nsfw/
%
I recently decided to get rid of my vacuum cleaner

All it was doing was collecting dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jcdl6/i_recently_decided_to_get_rid_of_my_vacuum_cleaner/
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We should let the redditors with the highest karma fight climate change...

After all, they're just so good at recycling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jcc6i/we_should_let_the_redditors_with_the_highest/
%
A thief broke into my house last night...

he started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jcc2i/a_thief_broke_into_my_house_last_night/
%
A noodle signs up for speed dating...

So comes the first round, the noodle takes a seat and waits anxiously for his match.
A fine lady comes over and takes a seat across from the noodle, and introduces herself.
"Hi! I'm Lindsey. How's your night going?"
But the noodle does not respond, instead he fidgets awkwardly, trying to find his words.
"Is everything ok?" She asks.
With a little hesitation he looks up at her and replies:
"I'm noodle all this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jc9c7/a_noodle_signs_up_for_speed_dating/
%
Just received a text message...

Just received a text message telling me I've won a competition! The prizes are £500 cash or front row tickets to see an Elvis tribute act. I don't know if its a scam though?
It says to press 1 for the money and 2 for the show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jc6y3/just_received_a_text_message/
%
What's a balloon's least favorite music?

Pop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jc6b9/whats_a_balloons_least_favorite_music/
%
Two friars were behind on their belfry payments

, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jc5bo/two_friars_were_behind_on_their_belfry_payments/
%
What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jc2n5/what_is_the_best_christmas_present_in_the_world/
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Thats not a pig

A man walks into his house with a duck underneath his arm. He walks up to his wife and says, "See, this is the pig I've been fucking." His wife, disgusted, said, " You idiot, that's not a pig, that's a duck." To which the husband replied, " I wasn't talking to YOU."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jc1lh/thats_not_a_pig/
%
A grasshopper walks into a bar...

Bartender says, "You know, we have a drink named after you."
Grasshopper says, "You have a drink called Steve?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbznk/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
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So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda...

Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbyct/so_i_heard_that_the_hackers_anonymous_are_waging/
%
I was at an atm and this old lady asked me to help check her balance

.....So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbxtc/i_was_at_an_atm_and_this_old_lady_asked_me_to/
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I had this problem where the cap wouldn't stay on my whiskey bottle.

So I fixed it with scotch tape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbxdj/i_had_this_problem_where_the_cap_wouldnt_stay_on/
%
When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbw0s/when_i_was_a_kid_adults_would_use_swear_words/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't really matter, he's not coming when you call him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbvid/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke filled room...

The captain enters the room and yells at the firemen "What the hell are you guys doing?"
The fireman  points to his bent over coworker and says "He passed out from smoke inhalation."
"Why didn't you just give him mouth-to-mouth?" The captain asks...
The bent over fireman says "How do you think this got started?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbp2n/two_firemen_are_buttfucking_in_a_smoke_filled_room/
%
Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger? Or Mr. Bigger's baby?

The baby, because it is a little Bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jboax/whos_bigger_mr_bigger_or_mr_biggers_baby/
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What do you call a hot indian girl?

Bomb bae

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbnl5/what_do_you_call_a_hot_indian_girl/
%
What do you get if you cross IBM and LSD?

A business trip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbkuk/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_ibm_and_lsd/
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Two bacteria walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here."
And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbk7u/two_bacteria_walk_into_a_bar/
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kid who doesn't believe in Santa

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbgzp/kid_who_doesnt_believe_in_santa/
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How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just keep complimenting it and get mad when it doesn't want to screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbg35/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
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Anyone hear what Russia is eating for Christmas?

Turkey...
Too soon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbfcb/anyone_hear_what_russia_is_eating_for_christmas/
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Hey girl are your parents retarded?

Because you're special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbemr/hey_girl_are_your_parents_retarded/
%
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells

Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jbcd7/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_two_brain_cells/
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A medical student was in the morgue one day...

A medical student was in the morgue one day after  classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum.
Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing, "On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road
again . . . "
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.
"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . ."
"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jb7xg/a_medical_student_was_in_the_morgue_one_day/
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Sharon still gets the d.

Dear Mom & Dad,
Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay?
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory, and my jump, was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the Ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute. He is a very kind boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t got the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes Mom & Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have concussion or skull fracture, I was not in hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I am not infected and there is no boyfriend. However, I am getting a “D” in American History, and an “F” in Chemistry and I want you to see those marks in their proper perspective.
Your loving daughter
Sharon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jb3bt/sharon_still_gets_the_d/
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I'm well pissed off with my neighbour today. Yesterday he kept playing the same Lionel Richie song over and over at full blast.

I wouldn't mind normally, but it was all night long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jb1j3/im_well_pissed_off_with_my_neighbour_today/
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What do you call a lizard with sex problems?

Ereptile Dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jb0ts/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_with_sex_problems/
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I was just eating cashews and one of them fell into my bra.

Is it still a cashew or is it a chestnut now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jazhx/i_was_just_eating_cashews_and_one_of_them_fell/
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What do you get when you put the entire South Carolina cheerleading team in one room?

A full set of teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jazey/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_the_entire_south/
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TIL that the radiation of the sun has caused the American Flag on the moon to be completely white

So now it looks like France visited first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jayjg/til_that_the_radiation_of_the_sun_has_caused_the/
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A little Irishman goes into an elevator

, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 10 inch penis, 6 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 10 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little Irishman says: 'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around! 😳

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jay9j/a_little_irishman_goes_into_an_elevator/
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How many men do a feminist need to make her sandwich?

two. One from front and another from behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jawp2/how_many_men_do_a_feminist_need_to_make_her/
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A man goes to recieve tests results from the doctor

A worried man goes to recieve tests results from the doctor. Stepping into the office, he says "Give it to me straight doc! Just do it!"
The doctor replies, "No, I'm not gay."
They both burst into laughter. "Besides", the doctor says, "I don't want HIV"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5javg0/a_man_goes_to_recieve_tests_results_from_the/
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I'm glad we finally have a strong leader

I mean Putin has how many years of experience? The states are in good Russian hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jaujt/im_glad_we_finally_have_a_strong_leader/
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What is Donald Trump's favorite Counter Strike map?

de_port

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jatfw/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_counter_strike_map/
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An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jashm/an_mit_linguistics_professor_was_lecturing_his/
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Why can't Harry Potter distinguish between his best friend and his pot in potions class?

They're both cauldron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jaqge/why_cant_harry_potter_distinguish_between_his/
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Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow turns to the other and says, "Did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease?"
The other one looks at him and says, "Good thing I'm a helicopter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jamjb/two_cows_are_standing_in_a_field/
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I keep telling my fellows redditors to expect the unexpected...

Spanish Inquisition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jam4z/i_keep_telling_my_fellows_redditors_to_expect_the/
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What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eye patch?

Names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jakgs/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_no_arms_no_legs_and/
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Indian restaurant

I was at an Indian restaurant last night when the waiter came over and said,"Curry ok sir"?
I said 'ok one song then fuck off.'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jaj1i/indian_restaurant/
%
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day

Give a woman a fish and you're 'that weird fish guy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jaitk/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_can_eat_for_a_day/
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my doctor said for every upvote this gets, i will lose one rib

I only need 24 and then I can finally give myself head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jaigt/my_doctor_said_for_every_upvote_this_gets_i_will/
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Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jahw0/mildred_was_a_93_yearold_woman_who_was/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jahqy/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Husband and wife Christmas shopping

A long-married couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.  The wife suddenly noticed that her husband wasn't with her, so she called him on his cell phone.  She says "Where are you, you know we've got a lot to do".
He replies "You remember the jewelers we went into a long time ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace, and we couldn't afford it and I said that one day I would get it for you"?
Little tears start rolling down his wife's cheeks as she gets choked up and manages to say "Yes, I *do* remember that shop".
"Well" he says, "I'm in the gun shop right next to it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jaher/husband_and_wife_christmas_shopping/
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Cemetery

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy behind a gravestone.
I said "Morning."
He replied, "No, just taking a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jagyo/cemetery/
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Why are white people the scariest in prison?

Because you know they're guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jafzk/why_are_white_people_the_scariest_in_prison/
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Dark humour is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jafr0/dark_humour_is_like_food/
%
Two wind turbines in a field and one says to the other

"Do you like music?"
He replies
"I'm a big metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jae38/two_wind_turbines_in_a_field_and_one_says_to_the/
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What do you call a hot tub full of rastafarians

Jah-cuzzie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jady0/what_do_you_call_a_hot_tub_full_of_rastafarians/
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A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jadvv/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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Everyone who kept saying they couldn't wait for this election to be over is responsible for Trump winning.

They were Russian it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jadtx/everyone_who_kept_saying_they_couldnt_wait_for/
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Why did the horse get life alert?

Because "i've fallen and can't giddy-up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jac3c/why_did_the_horse_get_life_alert/
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Why do black people eat fried chicken?

Because it tastes good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jac2x/why_do_black_people_eat_fried_chicken/
%
Why do the Scottish wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jabf5/why_do_the_scottish_wear_kilts/
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I would never suck dick for coke...

But I'd definitely suck dick for more coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5jab3v/i_would_never_suck_dick_for_coke/
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I object to female genital mutilation.

It is hard enough find a clitoris with having to scrabble through the skip bin behind a Somali mosque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ja7z4/i_object_to_female_genital_mutilation/
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What's the difference between a walrus and a lesbian?

One smells like fish and has a mustache, and the other is a walrus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ja61t/whats_the_difference_between_a_walrus_and_a/
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My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ja4ur/my_son_is_starting_school_soon_and_thinks_the/
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I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since.

I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ja4m0/i_was_beaten_to_a_lead_role_in_a_film_and_have/
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The swedish word "grätrunka" means 'crying while masturbating'. Guess you can say its a...

real tear jerker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9xr5/the_swedish_word_grätrunka_means_crying_while/
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It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance.

I really shouldn't be a paramedic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9vxl/its_crazy_one_minute_youre_getting_drunk_as_a/
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When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog

So someone in the house is happy to see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9u6h/when_your_kids_become_teenagers_its_important_to/
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Why did the snowman start smiling

Because he saw the snow blower coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9tte/why_did_the_snowman_start_smiling/
%
Obama's announcement

Today, President Obama announced that, after January 20th, the official title of "U.S. Government" will be changed to include quotation marks around Government.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9tct/obamas_announcement/
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Experimenting on a frog

----Experiment log #1938----
Removed the front legs of a frog and asked it to jump. The frog jumped.
Conclusion: when you remove the front legs of a frog, it can still jump.
___________________________________________
Removed the back legs of a frog. Asked it to jump. The frog jumped.
Conclusion: When you remove the back legs of a frog, it can still jump.
___________________________________________
Removed all the legs of a frog. Asked it to jump. The frog did not jump.
Conclusion: When you remove all the legs of a frog, it becomes deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9ryi/experimenting_on_a_frog/
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There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely.

The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was so skinny.
The husband then donated some of his skin...
however, the only place suitable to the doctor
was from his buttocks. The husband requested that
no one be told of this, because after all this
was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked
more beautiful than she ever did before! All her
friends and relatives just ranted and raved at
her youthful beauty! She was alone with her
husband one day & she wanted to thank him for
what he did. She said, 'Dear, I just want to
thank you for everything you did for me! There
is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, 'Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty
thanks enough every time your mother comes over
and kisses you on your cheek!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9q5m/there_was_a_married_couple_who_were_in_a_terrible/
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What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Only some things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9q1u/whats_the_difference_between_sarah_palins_mouth/
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Why did the hummer cross the river?

For the insurance money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9pj9/why_did_the_hummer_cross_the_river/
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The first woman on the Moon...

"Houston, we have a problem."
"What?"
"Never mind."
"What's the problem?"
"Nothing."
"Please tell us?"
"You know what the problem is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9nqi/the_first_woman_on_the_moon/
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Do you know that percussionist in the band?

Yeah, he rings a bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9mus/do_you_know_that_percussionist_in_the_band/
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A drunk man comes home at 3 am to a not so happy wife...

She yells from the window: "I'm not letting you in this time!"
To what he responds: "But, I bring flowers for the most beautiful woman in the world!"
A smile comes to her face and she runs down to open the door.
Wife: Where are my flowers?
Man: Where the hell is the most beautiful woman in the world!?!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9m2m/a_drunk_man_comes_home_at_3_am_to_a_not_so_happy/
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Welcome to our church

Three couples want to join a church, but the pastor has a rule that all new members must go three weeks without having sex.
Three weeks go by and the first couple comes back. The pastor says, "So how did it go?"
"It was pretty hard, but we made it," says the first couple.
"Well, welcome to our church," says the pastor.
The second couple comes back and the pastor asks them the same question. Their reply is the same as the first couple's.
The third couple comes back and the pastor asks them the same question, and they reply, "Well, we were doing pretty well until day 2 when she bent over to pick up a can of paint and I just put it to her."
"Well, I'm sorry, but you're not welcome to our church," says the pastor.
"That's okay," says the third couple,  "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9i0r/welcome_to_our_church/
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I LOVED that book about anti-gravity

... it was so hard to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9hu9/i_loved_that_book_about_antigravity/
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A man sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner takes him to the back garden where the dog is tied to a post. "Can you talk?" asks the man. "Yep," says the dog."I discovered this gift when I was young. I decided to help the government, so I got in touch with the CIA. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one would think a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out though, I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a lot of medals. Later, I got a wife, had some puppies, and now I'm retired." The man is amazed. He asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten bucks," says the owner. "That's a low price for such an amazing dog," says the man. "Why on Earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "Because he's such a huge liar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9gyd/a_man_sees_a_sign_in_front_of_a_house_talking_dog/
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Donald Trump has his daily intelligence briefing.

"We're almost done, Mr. President-Elect," says the man conducting the briefing, "just one more small piece of information."
"Bring it on."
"5 Brazilian soldiers were killed last night"
"That certainly isn't a good thing," replies Trump, "but if you don't mind, could you refresh my memory on one thing?"
"Of course, Mr. Trump, what do you need?"
"How many is a Brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9c3z/donald_trump_has_his_daily_intelligence_briefing/
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A woman is cheating on her husband..

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j9bdc/a_woman_is_cheating_on_her_husband/
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What is long, hard, and plump, with cum in it?

A cucumber. What kind of dirty mind do you have?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j98c9/what_is_long_hard_and_plump_with_cum_in_it/
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A family of three all refuses to do the dishes. [NSFW]

After having dinner, a family of three, the father, the mother and the daughter, can't decide who should do the dishes. All of them refuse and the father comes up with a competition. The first one to say anything or move has to do all of the dishes. So they sit there, silent and still.
Then, the daughter's boyfriends comes to visit. He greets them but they ignore him completely. He is surprised when he can't get their attention no matter what. So he decide to pull the daughter's pants down and proceeds bangs her right there in front of the whole family. Still no reaction. The boyfriend is getting really frustrated so he now lifts the mother's skirt up and does the same with her as well. Now he's getting real angry and storms out of the house. When he's going to take his bicycle and leave he notices that his chain needs to be lubed.
The boyfriend angrily opens the door and asks in an irritated tone, "you got any vaseline?" The dad yells out "okay okay, I'll do the dishes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j984u/a_family_of_three_all_refuses_to_do_the_dishes/
%
Being the President is seriously stressful.

Kennedy lost his mind!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j97oo/being_the_president_is_seriously_stressful/
%
What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at three ho's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j95vi/whats_the_difference_between_santa_and_tiger_woods/
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A couple goes on their honeymoon on an island

(Sorry for my bad english in advance, great joke nevertheless)
....They had a great time. Upon leaving the island, they both decide to get a pet as a memory for their honeymoon. Husbang grabs a rattle snake and wife grabs a skunk.
When they get to the airport, they notice a sign saying "no pets allowed". Being confused and disappointed they decided to trick the system. Husband says "i will use the snake as a belt around my weist, it might just work".
Wife in confusion says, "thats a good idea, what about my skunk?". Hisband replies "Well in don't know, you will just have to hide it up your skirt i guess".
Wife goes "what about the smell?
Husband replies "Look honey, if it dies it dies".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j92tw/a_couple_goes_on_their_honeymoon_on_an_island/
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Is it okay to use everyday objects for anal stimulation?

I'm sitting on the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j91zf/is_it_okay_to_use_everyday_objects_for_anal/
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A man goes to the urologist...

The doctor asks "How many times per day do you masturbate?".
"About 4 or 5", said the man.
The doctor replied, "You should really stop".
"Why should I?", asks the man.
The doctor responds, "Because I'm examining you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j91cc/a_man_goes_to_the_urologist/
%
Why did Santa start the Christmas tradition?

Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone:
Santa: “Have you been naughty? ….That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ….. I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?…. Yes, I’d love to see how you trimmed your (fir) … I just want to unload my (sack) when I see an angel on top. “
Now, every year he has to keep doing the bullshit lie he told.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8z8q/why_did_santa_start_the_christmas_tradition/
%
How do you organize a space party?

You planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8yql/how_do_you_organize_a_space_party/
%
This maths test can predict your favourite film (mine was Star Wars)

- Pick a number between 1 and 9.
- Multiply by 3
- Add 3 to that number
- Multiply by 3 again
- Add the two digits together
Now discover your favourite film!
1. Oliver Twist
2. Saving Private Ryan
3. Gone with the Wind
4. Star Wars
5. Jaws
6. The Godfather
7. Citizen Kane
8. Pulp Fiction
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep and Oiled-Up Grandpas
10. Forrest Gump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8x6q/this_maths_test_can_predict_your_favourite_film/
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So the other day I was walking from the sports field with a bag of 100 tennis balls...

That's a big bag, but I managed to carry it. However, unbeknownst to me, it was dragging over the ground, and eventually caught on a sharp piece of kerb, and ripped open. All 100 tennis balls falling out, ending up everywhere. Really annoying. I had to get all of them back individually and only retrieved 99 of them. Now the last one...
(at this point comes the tricky part. You have to credibly pretend that you don't remember the ending of this joke. Practice this - it's crucial. Sometimes it can help to say all the way at the start 'I'm not entirely sure anymore whether I remember this joke correctly, but I'm sure I'll get into it if I just start telling it'. Then it's more credible If you pretend to have forgotten it. )
The last tennis ball... No wait, let me think. Ah shit I think I don't remember how it went anymore. Oh but wait! I just remembered another one! Let me tell this one - it's a good joke. Maybe I'll remember the other one later.
So a man is sitting on the train with his dog. He is sitting across from another man who is smoking a pipe. It annoys him, so he tells him 'excuse me sir, could you please stop smoking, it really bothers me.' the man does not respond at all. After a while the man becomes very annoyed and raises his voice a little: 'sir, could you PLEASE stop smoking your pipe'. Still no reaction. So after a little while, the man loses his temper, grabs the other man's pipe, and throws it out of the window of the moving train. The other man immediately responds by grabbing the dog of the first man, and throwing it out of the window as well. They soon arrive at the next station, and from the distance, the man sees his dog come running. And guess what he has in his mouth?
(everybody I ever told this joke responded with: 'the pipe')
The 100th tennis ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8wx3/so_the_other_day_i_was_walking_from_the_sports/
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First Blowjob

Big burly guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me a shot of whiskey.” Bartender pours him a shot, which the guy downs in one gulp, slams the glass on the bar, and says “Give me another shot of whiskey.” Bartender pours him another shot, burly guy downs it, slams the glass, and says “Give me another shot of whiskey.”
This process repeats several more times before the bartender interrupts and asks, “What’s with all the shots, did something unusual happen today?”
Big burly guy says, “My first blowjob.”
Bartender says, “That’s great! Congratulations! The next shot is on the house.”
Big burly guy says, “That’s okay. If seven shots of whiskey can’t get the taste out of my mouth, then an eighth won’t.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8vs8/first_blowjob/
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To Hillary supporters, don't give up hope!

Nelson Mandela served 27 years in prison before becoming President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8vjg/to_hillary_supporters_dont_give_up_hope/
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What's the difference between a Taliban training camp and a Pakistani wedding?

I don't know. I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8uop/whats_the_difference_between_a_taliban_training/
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I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8tup/i_gave_up_my_seat_to_a_blind_person_on_the_bus/
%
I asked an atheist "How do you view homosexuality?"

He replied "Mostly on pornhub"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8s5p/i_asked_an_atheist_how_do_you_view_homosexuality/
%
A farmer in France sees a foreigner bending down next to the river.

The foreigner leans over and voraciously scoops up water from the river to drink using his right hand. He gulps down the water hungrily, much to the farmer's shock.
The farmer runs over to the foreigner and tries to warns him in French: "Monsieur, ce n'est pas sain! Mes animaux pisse et merde dans cette rivière." (Sir, that's not healthy! My animals piss and shit in that river.)
The man stands up and looks at the farmer and says in English: "I don't understand what you're saying. Can't any of you damned Frenchman speak English?!"
To which the farmer replies: "Oh yes of course sir. I was just saying that if you use both hands you can drink much faster."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8qwo/a_farmer_in_france_sees_a_foreigner_bending_down/
%
A man got a vasectomy without telling his wife. When she found out she said "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"

"Yes, I'm not kidding you." he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8pxq/a_man_got_a_vasectomy_without_telling_his_wife/
%
A lady walks into a gynecologist office and says I have a problem

I have extremely big
pussy lips. I'd like to get an operation but
don’t tell anyone because I am embarrassed about
my problem." The doctor agrees and gives her the
operation.
The next day while sitting in the recovery room,
she gets three roses delivered. She runs to her
doctor and says, "Doctor I thought I told you not
to tell anyone. Who sent me these roses?"
The doctor replies, "The first one is from me
because I felt sorry about your problem. The
second is from the nurse who had the same problem
you had. The third one is from the guy upstairs
in the burnt unit thanking you for his new ears!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8p7f/a_lady_walks_into_a_gynecologist_office_and_says/
%
A convicted murderer is sentenced to death by the electric chair.

As is customary, the executioners have a priest brought in.
"Any last requests?" asks the priest.
"Yes," says the murderer, "can you please hold my hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8nbz/a_convicted_murderer_is_sentenced_to_death_by_the/
%
If a man says he will fix it, he will.

There's no need to remind him every six months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8mi5/if_a_man_says_he_will_fix_it_he_will/
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Son asks his father,

"Dad, why do people say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs aren't actually green?"
"It's an expression, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing, you say that they've been caught 'red-handed' even though their hands are actually black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8lhs/son_asks_his_father/
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Needed some help with romance, so I took the book "How to Hug" out of the library.

Turns out it was volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8lbv/needed_some_help_with_romance_so_i_took_the_book/
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Voodoo dick

There was a businessman who was going on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious
sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something
to keep her occupied while he was gone, because
he didn't much like the idea of her screwing
someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex
toys and started looking around. He thought about
a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to
another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for
something special to please his wife, and started
talking to the old man behind the counter. He
explained his situation. The old man said, 'Well,
I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special
attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks,
except -- ' and he stopped.
'Except what?' the man asked.
'Nothing, nothing.'
'C'mon, tell me! I need something!'
'Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but
there is the 'voodoo dick.''
'So what's this voodoo dick?' he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled
out an old wooden box, carved with strange
symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, 'Big fucking
deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!'
The old man replied, 'But you haven't seen what
it'll do yet.' He pointed to a door and said,
'Voodoo dick, the door.'
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over
to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.
The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a
crack developed down the middle. Before the door
could split, the old man said, 'Voodoo dick, get
back in your box!'
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box
and lay there, quiescent once more.
'I'll take it!' said the businessman. The old man
resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he
finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took
it home to his wife, told her it was a special
dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was
say 'Voodoo dick, my pussy.'
He left for his trip satisfied that things would
be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a
few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She
thought of several people who would willingly
satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo
dick. She got it out, and said, 'Voodoo dick, my
pussy!'
The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started
pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she
decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it
out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how
to shut it off. So she decided to go to the
hospital to see if they could help. She put her
clothes on, got in the car and started to drive
to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of
the dildo.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her
swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a
policeman. He asked for her license, and then
asked how much she had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she
hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was
stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then
said:
'Yeah, right......... Voodoo dick, my ass!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8ki5/voodoo_dick/
%
Why do white people own so many pets?

Because we aren't allowed to own people any more...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8hzx/why_do_white_people_own_so_many_pets/
%
One day, in the Wild West, a rapist and con artist get caught.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople. The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face. After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin. The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.” The man asks, “Why not?” And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8bzs/one_day_in_the_wild_west_a_rapist_and_con_artist/
%
NSFW The other my wife was playing with my balls ...

We just had sex, and my wife was massaging me down there. I was enjoying but decided to ask: "why are you massaging my balls?"
She said: I miss mine so much ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j8bfw/nsfw_the_other_my_wife_was_playing_with_my_balls/
%
If the shoe fits, wear it...

Unless you found it near a bouncy castle, you creep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j88s2/if_the_shoe_fits_wear_it/
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What did the underscore say when he got up to leave?

Gotta Dash!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j84q0/what_did_the_underscore_say_when_he_got_up_to/
%
What's the Difference between a cactus, and a BMW?

A cactus has the prick on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j839n/whats_the_difference_between_a_cactus_and_a_bmw/
%
What's the difference between me and eggs?

Eggs get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j7z3f/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_eggs/
%
The German Plumber.

Yesterday as I was taking my morning shower at 7:00am, it stopped half way through when I was putting my shampoo in my hair, great, so I wiped it out with a towel. I called a man after I came back from work around 5pm. The man, at first, sounded French but with almost an American accent, probably since he's been here a long time. He came round the next day to look at my shower in the morning on my day off work. He told me that one of the pipes had came loose and he needed to put the right one back in. He seemed nice, we had a conversation about where he came from. He said he came from Berlin in Germany and then smiled at went back to work. Later on, he said it was finished and I gave him my money. I wake up the next day ready to go to work. I walk into the shower, turn it on, nothing. It's not working. I get a headache all of a sudden from the frustration and stress going through my head. I have to go to work, smelling like this. So I man up, spray what can only be described as a shit ton of deodorant on me to hopefully mask the smell of B.O. I call the man to come round again after work and see what he did wrong. So he comes round, fully equipped with all his tools and takes a look. About 30 minutes later he tells me that he hooked up the gas pipe to the shower.
I guess old habits die hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j7wc5/the_german_plumber/
%
A train was famous for its late arrival.

There wasn't a single day when the train reached on time. So, the general public became accustomed to these situations..
One day, out of the blue, the train arrived the station at the exact scheduled time. The public went mad on seeing this and beat the crap out of the driver..
The driver gasping for his breath, shouts admist the crowd “ Get away from me, you morons ! Its yesterday's train”….

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j7v8u/a_train_was_famous_for_its_late_arrival/
%
The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie. Janie, do you have a story to share?' ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j7tjh/the_woman_marine_pilot/
%
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing

He is on the second hole when he notices
a frog sitting next to the green.  He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit.  9 Iron."  The man looks around and
doesn't see anyone.  "Ribbit.  9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog
wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9
iron.  Boom!  he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked.  He says to the frog, "Wow, that's
amazing.  You must be a lucky frog, eh?"  The frog
replies, "Ribbit.  Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the
next hole.  "What do you think, frog?" the man
asks.  "Ribbit.  3 Wood."  The guy takes out a 3
wood and, BOOM! Hole-in-one.  The man is befuddled
and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best
game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK,
where to next?"  The frog replies, "Ribbit.  Las
Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
"OK, frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit.  Roulette."  Upon
approaching the roulette table, the man asks,
"What do you think I should bet?"  The frog
replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."  Now this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf
game, the man figures what the heck.  Boom!  Tons
of cash comes sliding back across the table.  The
man takes his winnings and buys the best room in
the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't
know how to repay you.  You've won me all this
money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit.  Kiss me."  He figures
why not, since after all the frog did for him he
deserves it.  With a kiss the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, you honor, is how the girl ended up in
my room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j7reu/a_man_takes_the_day_off_work_and_decides_to_go/
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What do you get if you take the red circle off a Japanese flag?

The French flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j7pwq/what_do_you_get_if_you_take_the_red_circle_off_a/
%
I once asked a friend what he would do if the world was going to end.

He told me he would fuck anything that moves. He then asked me the same question.
I told him I'd stand very very still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j7f3r/i_once_asked_a_friend_what_he_would_do_if_the/
%
I was about to propose to my girlfriend

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j7etm/i_was_about_to_propose_to_my_girlfriend/
%
How was copper wire created?

Two Jews found the same penny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j7esv/how_was_copper_wire_created/
%
Darth Vader is not that bad...

he is the first black guy to admit he is the father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j7eqc/darth_vader_is_not_that_bad/
%
The Government of Canada is reducing the age of consent for anal sex to 16. Critics are suggesting that this is too early to be rectally penetrated, but I respectfully disagree.

As a Canadian, I wish to make it known that I heartily endorse this decision.
These are tumultuous times. Now more than ever, it is vitally important that our young people are equipped with the knowledge and experience they will need to succeed in the real world.
And nothing prepares you for the real world like being fucked in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j7c7r/the_government_of_canada_is_reducing_the_age_of/
%
Too fat for the girl next door

At least according to her Korean father.
I guess I can't have my cake and Edith Tu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j7b8r/too_fat_for_the_girl_next_door/
%
I like my women how I like my books

With an amazing climax

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j79fe/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_books/
%
Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.

She goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?" she asks.
The shepherd agrees. She blurts out, "352!"
The shepherd is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd. "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j77nq/tired_of_constant_blonde_jokes_a_blonde_dyes_her/
%
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW SON YOU WEREN'T THERE!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j77bj/how_many_vietnam_veterans_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
What's the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j73qu/whats_the_worst_part_of_breaking_up_with_a/
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String to penis

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 25cm long.
Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower, his wife said, "let's try the African string and weight technique hon"
The husband agreed, and they tied a string with a weight to his penis.
A few days later the wife asked, "how is our little experiment coming along?".
The husband replied "Well, it looks like we're about halfway there".
The wife impressed and said, "you mean it's already grown to 15cm?"
"No" the husband replied. "It's turning black"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j71hj/string_to_penis/
%
What's green, fuzzy, and can kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j70l6/whats_green_fuzzy_and_can_kill_you_if_it_falls/
%
Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Steven Seagal decide to make and star in a movie about famous composers...

Bruce: "Okay guys, let's decide which musicians we'd like to portray"
Seagal: "Well, I guess I'll play Beethoven if you guys think that works"
Stallone: "that seems like a good fit. I think I'll be Mozart."
Willis: "Sounds good so far. I'd like to portray Brahms."
*Stallone turns towards Schwarzenegger* "Hey Arnold, have you decide who you want to play?"
Schwarzenegger: "I'll be Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6zyl/sylvester_stallone_bruce_willis_arnold/
%
For Christmas last year I got a sweater.

This year I'd prefer a moaner or a squirter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6yvc/for_christmas_last_year_i_got_a_sweater/
%
Some people ask me why I never hold a grudge.

I've always hated those people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6yex/some_people_ask_me_why_i_never_hold_a_grudge/
%
Make sure to pay your Exorcist on time, because otherwise...

...They'll repossess your home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6yea/make_sure_to_pay_your_exorcist_on_time_because/
%
What's the difference between a guy that can't drink milk and a bunch of Nazi soup kitchens that ran out of bread?

The guy's lactose intolerant. The others lack toast and tolerance.
...god damn, that was painful.  I'll show myself out.
*edit* for slightly better delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6vm2/whats_the_difference_between_a_guy_that_cant/
%
Threw a surprise pity party

No one bothered to show up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6tev/threw_a_surprise_pity_party/
%
If lesbians don't like men, then why do they use dildos?

Because scissoring just doesn't cut it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6qew/if_lesbians_dont_like_men_then_why_do_they_use/
%
A physicist sees a man about to jump from a building

'Don't do it! ' he shouts 'You have so much potential! '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6ptu/a_physicist_sees_a_man_about_to_jump_from_a/
%
Did you hear about the woman who had twelve boobs?

Sounds fake, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6obq/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_had_twelve_boobs/
%
snowflakes are like vaginas...

each one unique...
and I like them on my tongue..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6mwp/snowflakes_are_like_vaginas/
%
A teacher doesn't want baby talk from her students

A second grade teacher asks her students what they did over the weekend. The first student says "I went on a choo-choo train!
"That's good," says the teacher, "but we're in second grade now and we should talk like grown-ups. You should say you went on a train."
The second student says "We went camping and I saw a bunny rabbit!"
The teacher raises a finger. "That sounds exciting! But remember, talk like a grown-up. Just say 'rabbit.'"
A third student pipes up: "I read a book!"
"Excellent!" says the teacher. "Which book did you read?"
"Winnie the Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6l90/a_teacher_doesnt_want_baby_talk_from_her_students/
%
If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist.

Black people would rob me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6ga3/if_i_got_1_every_time_somebody_called_me_a_racist/
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I don't know why they run marathons in Germany....

They have a history of not finishing races.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6ffu/i_dont_know_why_they_run_marathons_in_germany/
%
What is atheism?

A non-prophet organisation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6f0j/what_is_atheism/
%
Someone broke into my local corner shop and stole 30 cases of Red Bull last night

Honestly, I don't know how these people sleep at night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6ezi/someone_broke_into_my_local_corner_shop_and_stole/
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If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it......

He's gay, definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6bas/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_10_men_shes_a_slut_but_if/
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A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie is getting married."

"Oh?" says the mother. "And how old is Janie?"
"Five," replies the boy.
"Well," says the father, " what are you going to do for money?"
"I get 15 cents a week in allowance," says the son, "and Janie gets 10 cents. We figured that if we put them together we we´d be okay."
"I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have children?"
"Well," says the boy, "so far, we've been lucky."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6axr/a_sevenyearold_boy_is_sitting_at_the_dinner_table/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a pirate.

A man strolls into his local bar and is shocked to see a pirate sitting at the end of the bar. The guy was decked out, eye patch, peg leg, and a hook hand. A real, proper pirate.
So the man says "why not?" And pulls up a seat next to the pirate. He buys a round for himself and the pirate and introduces himself.
"**Aye**"
The man is just dying to know the old salt's story so he says to the pirate,
"If you don't mind me asking, what happened to your leg?"
"Aye, well I was out sailing me ship when a rogue wave broadsided us. I lost me footing and fell overboard. Shark bit me leg clean off."
"Oh my, that's terrible!" The man says. Looking at his hook hand the man sheepishly asks, "Sorry to be so nosy, but what happened to your hand?"
"Yarr matey, lost me favorite hand in battle. Rapscallion got it with his cutlass. Lucky I had me trusty pistol." he said with a laugh.
"Oh thats awful!" Says the man. Not wanting to ask too many questions, he nervously says, "If you don't mind, I gotta hear the story behind that eye patch."
The pirate says, "Aye laddie. It was a nice day. A bloody **beutiful** day. The sun be shinin', the sea was calm, and all me mateys and I were singin and drinkin the day away when a seagull pooped in me eye." And proceeded to finish his beer.
"Im sorry, but a bit of bird poop caused you to lose your eye?"
"Yarr matey, it was the day after I got me hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6ain/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_pirate/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j69sr/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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What's the difference between a middle school flute player and a dress maker

Dress makers tuck up frills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j668i/whats_the_difference_between_a_middle_school/
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What's the difference between you and a calendar?

A calendar has dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j65g7/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_a_calendar/
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Got caught smelling my sisters underwear yesterday.

Made the rest of her funeral very fucking awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j6326/got_caught_smelling_my_sisters_underwear_yesterday/
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Had some mushrooms this morning.

Breakfast of Champignons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j61nz/had_some_mushrooms_this_morning/
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A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"
His wife replies "For the flowers of course"
He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j613n/a_man_brings_home_flowers_to_his_wife/
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Why girls don't have willys

Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5zst/why_girls_dont_have_willys/
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Just found out my girlfriend isn't a natural brunette.

She chipped her tooth on the vibrator I bought her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5yml/just_found_out_my_girlfriend_isnt_a_natural/
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What are the unspoken rules of sign language?

All of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5vmv/what_are_the_unspoken_rules_of_sign_language/
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I always wanted to be self-confident. Well, look at me now.

Actually, don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5u1i/i_always_wanted_to_be_selfconfident_well_look_at/
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What's green and hurts when it hits you in the eye?

A snooker table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5tkp/whats_green_and_hurts_when_it_hits_you_in_the_eye/
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I went in to hospital for an operation...

I asked the anaesthetist if I could administer the needle myself, and he said:
"Sure, knock yourself out".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5tk4/i_went_in_to_hospital_for_an_operation/
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What do you call a letter from a feminist?

Hate male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5t4l/what_do_you_call_a_letter_from_a_feminist/
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Blonde Joke

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5t0y/blonde_joke/
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A guy in a van pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce

at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.
"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again. "Me too. What about a double bed?"
"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.
"Yep." The light changes and the van takes off. Jealous, the Rolls guy heads to a Pimp My Rolls customising shop and gets a double bed installed, then drives around until he finds the van parked on the side of the road. He raps on the window.
"Guess what? I got a double bed put in my car, too."
The van owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5o9u/a_guy_in_a_van_pulls_up_next_to_a_rollsroyce/
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I tried to catch some fog this morning ...

Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5nvs/i_tried_to_catch_some_fog_this_morning/
%
I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked me:  "What do you think your greatest weakness is?"  I said "I am too honest"  He said "I really don't think honesty is a weakness"  I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5mh5/i_went_for_a_job_interview/
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Tried To Compromise

I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We just didn't have anything in common. But when that happens, you have to try to compromise. I tried to compromise with her. I remember one time I was like, 'Look, if you go with me to my "Lord of the Rings" fan fiction meet up group, I'll go with you to this ultrasound thing.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5ltx/tried_to_compromise/
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Sting was kidnapped last night

The Police are looking for a lead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5l0j/sting_was_kidnapped_last_night/
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Can electrocution get someone jail time?

I'm not sure, but they'd definitely be charged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5jb0/can_electrocution_get_someone_jail_time/
%
Couple of girlfriends decided to go out on girls night.

But they had nothing to talk about, because all of them showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5j9u/couple_of_girlfriends_decided_to_go_out_on_girls/
%
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5h32/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_alcohol_and/
%
Guy walks into a bar with a unholsteret gun

Entering he waves it in the air shouting
"This is a 8 round loaded 1911, now tell me who slept with my wife!"
Shortly after you hear a yelling from the background.
"YOU NEED MORE AMMO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5gqd/guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_unholsteret_gun/
%
I just got scammed by a hacker from Cairo...

I guess you could say I've been E-gipped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5ezw/i_just_got_scammed_by_a_hacker_from_cairo/
%
Why did the console player get sick in the art gallery?

There were too many frames.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5dk3/why_did_the_console_player_get_sick_in_the_art/
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What do you call cheese that ain't yours?

"Camembert", typically. It can be very difficult to budget for the expensive varieties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5cxh/what_do_you_call_cheese_that_aint_yours/
%
I like my women like I like my dog.

Actually, No. I prefer the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5cnk/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_dog/
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A warning to all you drivers at Christmas

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5cck/a_warning_to_all_you_drivers_at_christmas/
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What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?

A dead baby in 6 trash cans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5ah9/what_is_worse_than_a_dead_baby_in_a_trash_can/
%
Ma and Pa were rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for?

Ma said for knowing the difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5ae8/ma_and_pa_were_rocking_on_the_front_porch_when_pa/
%
An old Lady walks into a bank

An old Lady walks into a high end bank. She is carrying a suit case and walks to the front desk and asks for the bank manager.
After waiting for a while the bank manager arrives and tells her to meet him in his office. In the office she tells the bank manager she wants to start a bank account and tells him in the suitcase she has $170,000.
Curious the bank manager asks how an old Lady earned such a huge amount of money. She tells him "I  earned this money by making odd bets, for example I bet you all the money in this suit case that you have square balls"
The manager thought that's an impossible bet to win and says I'll take you on that. The old Lady told him let's meet up tomorrow in this same office and left for the day.
The next day the Lady had arrived with the suitcase and a man in a suit. They both entered the Managers office and he asked who the man was. She said that this was her lawyer and he was here to witness the bet.
She told the Manager to take his pants off so that she could examine his balls. The Manager thought this made sense and obliged. After thoroughly examining his balls the old Lady came to the conclusion that his balls were indeed round and not  square.
She gave the Manager the suit case and as he took his reward he saw the lawyers face in awe. He then asked the lawyer why he looked so grim and the old Lady said "I bet him $700,000 that I would have the balls of a high end bank manager in my hands in his office today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j5aa5/an_old_lady_walks_into_a_bank/
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Teacher: I wish you’d pay a little attention, David.

David: I'm paying as little as I can, teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j598c/teacher_i_wish_youd_pay_a_little_attention_david/
%
What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j58at/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
A boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?

Boy: Yes, I saw dad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j555c/a_boy_goes_to_a_strip_club_his_mom_gets_angry/
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PATIENT: I broke my arm in 3 places

DOCTOR: Then dont go to those places!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j53sw/patient_i_broke_my_arm_in_3_places/
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Here at Smith Blarney cremation service we make money the old-fashioned way

We urn it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j53hl/here_at_smith_blarney_cremation_service_we_make/
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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j53as/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
A dick has a sad life.

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j529l/a_dick_has_a_sad_life/
%
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina.
That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear.
Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j51v7/a_mother_is_in_the_kitchen_making_dinner_for_her/
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What did the clothes designer say to her son at his graduation?

"I'm Prada you son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j51sl/what_did_the_clothes_designer_say_to_her_son_at/
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Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their names!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j50dz/husband_why_are_there_broken_condoms_on_the_couch/
%
My friend was the best at Russian Roulette.

He only lost once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4y21/my_friend_was_the_best_at_russian_roulette/
%
What's the difference between a Bitch and a Slut?

A Slut fucks everyone. A Bitch fucks everyone but you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4w0s/whats_the_difference_between_a_bitch_and_a_slut/
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I don't understand why people are in awe when I tell them my grandfather survived Auschwitz.

Most of the other German officers did too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4viy/i_dont_understand_why_people_are_in_awe_when_i/
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A brick fell from an airplane

How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator in 3 steps? You open the refrigerator, put the giraffe in and close the refrigerator.
How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator in 4 steps? You open the refrigerator, take the giraffe out, put the elephant inside and close the refrigerator.
A lion is having a birthday and all the animals are there except for one, which one is it? The elephant isn't there, he's in a refrigerator.
Sally has to cross a river populated by crocodiles, how does she do it without dying? She just swims across, all the crocodiles are at the lion's birthday party.
Sally still dies, why? Because she got hit by the brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4upo/a_brick_fell_from_an_airplane/
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why is 6 afraid of 7?

7 is a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4ufr/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
A man goes into the doctor, and says "I broke my arm in three places."

And the doctor says, "Well then don't go to those places anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4tzw/a_man_goes_into_the_doctor_and_says_i_broke_my/
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My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4tqa/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_won_the_lottery_would/
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Please spread my ashes over the breakroom at work.

That way Sherry from accounting can bitch about cleaning up my messes forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4t9z/please_spread_my_ashes_over_the_breakroom_at_work/
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Peter the Builder

Derek and his grandpa, Peter, are sitting up on a hillside. Peter says "you see that wall, I helped build that wall, but do they call me Peter the wall builder? nooo. You see that house? I built that house but do they call me Peter the housebuilder? no. You see that church? I built that church too, but do they call me Peter the Church builder? No! But you fuck one pig...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4shi/peter_the_builder/
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How do you piss off a female archaeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4sh9/how_do_you_piss_off_a_female_archaeologist/
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My first highschool football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore by the end, but at least my dad came
Repost from r/darkhumour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4s4n/my_first_highschool_football_game_was_a_lot_like/
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"What do we want?"

"AIRPLANE NOISES!"
"When do we want them?"
"NEEEEOOOWWWWW"
I'm very sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4r18/what_do_we_want/
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[Rogue One Spoilers] What is the empire's favorite kind of font?

Sans Scarif

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4ozv/rogue_one_spoilers_what_is_the_empires_favorite/
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How was copper wire created?

Two Jews found the same penny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4oku/how_was_copper_wire_created/
%
Never Go Shopping When You Are Hungry.

but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4ocs/never_go_shopping_when_you_are_hungry/
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My friend told me the onion is the only food that makes you cry.

I disagreed and threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4l1s/my_friend_told_me_the_onion_is_the_only_food_that/
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So a guy walks into a bar

He walks up to the bartender and says."I'll take a Vegas Bomb, Crown and Redbull please."
So the bartender, puts an apple on the bar before him. Confused the man looks at the bartender wondering if this is some kind of joke. Before he can ask, the bartender already knows to explain.
"In this bar I have an apple with every flavor in the world, trust me, go ahead and see for yourself, take a bite."
So the man, hesitantly bites into the apple. "Wow, that tastes like Crown"
The Bartender replies, "Now turn it around"
So he does, "That tastes like Red Bull, wow that's amazing."
It's not long until another guy comes in and sits next to the first man. "I'm waiting on a friend, but go ahead and give me a Coke and Rum"
Again, the bartender, places an apple in front of this second man.
"What the fuck is this?" the man asks upset
The first guy says "Trust him, take a bite"
So he takes a bite of the apple, "That tastes like rum."
"now turn it around" he says to the second man.
He turns it around and takes another bite, "Well I'll be damned, that tastes like Coke."
The second man apologizes for getting upset and the bartender fills him in about the apples. A few moments later, the second guy's friend comes in and is greeted by him.
"Dude, you won't believe this, the bartender has an apple of every flavor in the world, sit down and order something."
The friend sits down, and with a smug grin on his face goes "...I want pussy."
The bartender sets the apple down in front of him and the guy takes a bite, he almost immediately spits it out.
"What the fuck, this tastes like ass!"
The Bartender says, "Turn it around"
-
Forgive me if this has been told before, my first time hearing it the other day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4kyx/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What was the last thing that the homeless man heard before becoming a giant?

Go big or go home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4k89/what_was_the_last_thing_that_the_homeless_man/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a sad look on his face. The bartender asks "What's the matter, buddy?"
"I just got fired from my job. I don't know what I'm going to tell my wife and I've got two kids to look after."
"Look, I tend to keep this to myself, but over in that closet there is a genie who will grant you one wish. Maybe he can help you out."
So the man heads over to the closet. Inside it's larger than he expected and there was actually two people inside. One sat on the left, looking rather shady and smoking a cigar. The other sat to the right. He was a very small man and was playing a familiar tune on an equally small piano. The man decided to try his luck on the left.
"Are you the genie?" Asked the man. "Can you help me?"
"Sure." Replied the man. "Why not. I'll grant you one wish."
"Well in that case I suppose I wish for a million bucks."
The man snapped his fingers and all of a sudden there were ducks everywhere. They were running about the floor, walking on the tables, they were everywhere. The man knew it was too good to be true and fought his way back into the bar.
"That's a shit genie you've got in there!" Shouted the man over the quacks of the ducks.
"You're telling me." Laughed the bartender. "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4k7f/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My girlfriend said "Give me 10 inches and make it hurt!"

So I stabbed her with a ruler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4k2n/my_girlfriend_said_give_me_10_inches_and_make_it/
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What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes?

Beekeepers.
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4jmv/what_kind_of_people_have_the_most_beautiful_eyes/
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My wife asked me where I would like to be buried.......

Apparently, " Balls deep in your sister " wasn't the anewer she was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4hp0/my_wife_asked_me_where_i_would_like_to_be_buried/
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A man took his family to the zoo. They only had one dog.

It was a shih tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4g30/a_man_took_his_family_to_the_zoo_they_only_had/
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Why can't you fool aborted babies?

Because they weren't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4ebb/why_cant_you_fool_aborted_babies/
%
tattoo of a $100 bil

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4dmv/tattoo_of_a_100_bil/
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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.
This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4c02/in_1986_peter_davies_was_on_holiday_in_kenya/
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I had a crazy camping trip this weekend

It was in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j4asr/i_had_a_crazy_camping_trip_this_weekend/
%
What is Yoda's last name?

"Lay Hee Whooo!"
Guys, I'm so sorry for posting this but my wife turned to me and asked this in all seriousness, then laughed her ass off when she told me the punchline. She's super proud of her terrible joke, and no I don't think Yoda is a Swiss mountain climber, I'm actually just really happy that's she's finally watching Star Wars with me....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j47zs/what_is_yodas_last_name/
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What do redditors give one another on Christmas?

Gifs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j468s/what_do_redditors_give_one_another_on_christmas/
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You know that you have a terrible sense of humor...

when you find that click-baiting is funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j45lz/you_know_that_you_have_a_terrible_sense_of_humor/
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What's so good about having sex with twenty one year olds?

There's twenty of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j451n/whats_so_good_about_having_sex_with_twenty_one/
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My girl said for every upvote this gets I get one thrust for anal

Please do not upvote, her strap-on looks really big.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j41tz/my_girl_said_for_every_upvote_this_gets_i_get_one/
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Went to the bar the other night

There was a guy with five shots lined up in front of him.
I asked him, "What the occasion?"
He said, "My first Blow Job"
I said, "That's great, let me buy you another"
He said, "No thanks, if five can't get rid of the taste, six won't either"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j3zo0/went_to_the_bar_the_other_night/
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Someone told me I am bad at driving

I told them that if they didn't like my driving, they should get off the sidewalk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j3wvn/someone_told_me_i_am_bad_at_driving/
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My future wife is...

probably texting her boyfriend right now, saying how they are going to be together forever.
SIKE! See you in 10 years bitch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j3wrs/my_future_wife_is/
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Did you hear about the family with hereditary diarrhea?

They said it runs in their jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j3rtt/did_you_hear_about_the_family_with_hereditary/
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"You are what you eat" thats funny, I don't remember eating

a pathetic failure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j3m0s/you_are_what_you_eat_thats_funny_i_dont_remember/
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To the guy in a wheelchair that stole my phone

You can hide but you can't run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j3k2p/to_the_guy_in_a_wheelchair_that_stole_my_phone/
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Why did the old lady fall in the well?

Because she couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j3k1r/why_did_the_old_lady_fall_in_the_well/
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Q: What's the difference between an American and a Canadian?

A: An Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j3im4/q_whats_the_difference_between_an_american_and_a/
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Why did the fisherman commit suicide when the last dolphin died?

Because his life had no porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j3iln/why_did_the_fisherman_commit_suicide_when_the/
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Thought this one up this morning

A man from America decides he no longer wants to live in the U.S. so he requests the paperwork to change citizenship to that of a Nordic country, particularly Finland. He spends hours signing papers, notarizing documents, and verifying the correct forms. He finally finishes and brings his papers to Finland's immigration service when the lady at the front desk says "I'm sorry sir, but it seems you are missing one of the required documents." the man quite annoyed at this asks "Just what are you trying to say?" the lady then says "I'm saying you are not quite Finnish yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j3fdm/thought_this_one_up_this_morning/
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Did you hear about the time Helen Keller fell into a ditch

She screamed until she was blue in the hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j3b5p/did_you_hear_about_the_time_helen_keller_fell/
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What do you call the people that Trump didn't pick to be in his cabinet?

Qualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j3avv/what_do_you_call_the_people_that_trump_didnt_pick/
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I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."

Then I said, "Turn left."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j38gp/i_was_in_a_cab_today_and_the_cab_driver_said_i/
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What happened to the guy who ingested lead?

It wasn't the lead that killed him, but rather the element of surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j36xb/what_happened_to_the_guy_who_ingested_lead/
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What did the Scottish man do when he ran out of pants to wear?

He kilt himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j34zm/what_did_the_scottish_man_do_when_he_ran_out_of/
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Do you know what the worst part of being paralyzed is?

I can't stand being in a wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j34zi/do_you_know_what_the_worst_part_of_being/
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A mathematician is afraid of flying

due to the small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j32tx/a_mathematician_is_afraid_of_flying/
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My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j32kn/my_wife_came_home_from_work_crying_yesterday_and/
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Political Correctness is out of hand

You can't even say "black paint" anymore,
You have to say "Tyrone, please paint my fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j31ax/political_correctness_is_out_of_hand/
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Three guys were walking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I f***** up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j30ny/three_guys_were_walking_through_the_woods_when/
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I found a way to make my dick 9 inches long

I fold it in half

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j308u/i_found_a_way_to_make_my_dick_9_inches_long/
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Why is Helen Keller a bad driver?

Because she's a woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j2z1j/why_is_helen_keller_a_bad_driver/
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A frog goes into a bank...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She
holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" ?
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j2x3d/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
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What video game system do police officers play in their cars?

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j2qhr/what_video_game_system_do_police_officers_play_in/
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My alcohol addiction was so bad i used to drink hand sanitiser!

Im clean now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j2lb9/my_alcohol_addiction_was_so_bad_i_used_to_drink/
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What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just killed?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j2hv3/whats_the_difference_between_isaac_newton_and_the/
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A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital

The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j2g56/a_man_took_his_pregnant_wife_to_the_hospital/
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Cold Water

A young boy was having lunch with his Grandfather when he noticed a few odd things about the dishes.
"Grandpa, why is this glass stained?", he asked curiously.
"That's as clean as cold water can get it", the grandfather replied calmly.
"Ok", said the boy, then noticed his dirty fork.
"Grandpa", he asked again, "Why is there food stuck to the fork?
"That's as clean as cold water can get it", the grandfather replied, same as before.
"Ok", said the boy before noticing his dirty plate.
"Grandpa, why is there food stuck on the plate"?
"That's as clean as cold water can get it". said the grandfather, cool as ever.
"Ok", and they went back to finishing their plates.
As soon as they were done, the grandson stood up and said, "I'll help wash the dishes".
But his grandfather turned down his offer, whistled for the dog and said, "come here cold water".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j2b6k/cold_water/
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My new thesaurus is terrible

in fact I'd go as far to say that it's terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j2aq1/my_new_thesaurus_is_terrible/
%
Why is Santa always jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j292k/why_is_santa_always_jolly/
%
Two thieves try to steal a calendar.

They each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j2897/two_thieves_try_to_steal_a_calendar/
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What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and Usain Bolt?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j26yy/whats_the_difference_between_adolf_hitler_and/
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What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j25zw/whats_the_difference_between_snow_men_and_snow/
%
Hitler is sitting around in Hell...

The Devil finally shows up to torture him and Hitler says, "Geez, it's been like seventy years. What took so long?".
The Devil replies, " Oh, I don't know, some asshole showed up right after he put six million people in line ahead of him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j23jg/hitler_is_sitting_around_in_hell/
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Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the woods, and the Big Bad Wolf leaps from the bushes...

He growls, "Take off your top, and let me suck your tits!"
She replies, "Nice try" and she takes off her skirt.
"The book says that you have to eat me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j1zwu/little_red_riding_hood_is_walking_through_the/
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My physics teacher said i have potential

and then pushed me down the stairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j1vsb/my_physics_teacher_said_i_have_potential/
%
I have an EpiPen

A man lying on the roadside gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j1tzb/i_have_an_epipen/
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What do you call a Jewish Pokémon trainer?

Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j1qzx/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokémon_trainer/
%
I'm thinking of opening a sperm bank and calling it...

"Get a load of this guy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j1ocf/im_thinking_of_opening_a_sperm_bank_and_calling_it/
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Never date an Aztec woman..

They will rip your heart out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j1kir/never_date_an_aztec_woman/
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I got my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday.

I know it's not the greatest gift in the world, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j1k85/i_got_my_girlfriend_a_fridge_for_her_birthday/
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What do wearing Crocs and receiving a blowjob have in common?

It feels great at first, and then you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j1hn8/what_do_wearing_crocs_and_receiving_a_blowjob/
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For a final paper, I was assigned to write 3000 words

So I put 3 pictures in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j1dg3/for_a_final_paper_i_was_assigned_to_write_3000/
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What do you call a cold puppy?

A chili dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j1cwq/what_do_you_call_a_cold_puppy/
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Dad, is Santa real?

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the ! ! sleigh and get onto the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j1cv7/dad_is_santa_real/
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My Dad got me a thesaurus for Christmas last year

But when I opened it every single page was blank.
I didn't have the words to describe how angry I was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j1c59/my_dad_got_me_a_thesaurus_for_christmas_last_year/
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What is the most annoying thing about Reddit?

This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j1bc1/what_is_the_most_annoying_thing_about_reddit/
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A duck waddles into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .......
"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j189y/a_duck_waddles_into_a_pub_and_orders_a_pint_of/
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Someone asked me if I'm a gentleman.

Yes, yes I am. Holding doors open for people for example. Or when my wife gets home late, I light up some candles, letting some warm water run, add some soap, so she can start doing the dishes as soon as she gets home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j17i1/someone_asked_me_if_im_a_gentleman/
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So three blonds were walking in th woods...

When they come across a set of tracks.
"Look at these deer tracks," said the first.
"These are clearly elk tracks," corrected the second.
"You're both wrong, these are moose tracks," replied the third.
They were all still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j16g0/so_three_blonds_were_walking_in_th_woods/
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The invention of the broom may have swept the nation...

... but the invention of the Galaxy Note 7 really set the world on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j14ux/the_invention_of_the_broom_may_have_swept_the/
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[NSFW] Why don't vegetarian girls moan during sex?

Because they don't like to admit that a piece of meat can give them so much pleasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j146k/nsfw_why_dont_vegetarian_girls_moan_during_sex/
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r/jokes is like a guy with short term memory loss.

No matter how many times you tell him the same joke, he'll still laugh like he's hearing it for the first time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j126w/rjokes_is_like_a_guy_with_short_term_memory_loss/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest actually accomplishes something after it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j120k/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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What will happen if someone robs a Nintendo Switch factory?

WIIU WIIU WIIU WIIU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j111k/what_will_happen_if_someone_robs_a_nintendo/
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Obama proved a black man can even be president..

And that no matter how high up a black man gets he can't get out of government housing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j10gn/obama_proved_a_black_man_can_even_be_president/
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I told my professor a chemistry joke...

It was funny, but He didn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0zo5/i_told_my_professor_a_chemistry_joke/
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What do you do if you’re drunk and you run into your ex wife?

Reverse to make sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0yzm/what_do_you_do_if_youre_drunk_and_you_run_into/
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How do locomotives know where they're going?

Lots of training.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0wcz/how_do_locomotives_know_where_theyre_going/
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When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day.

Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0uun/when_i_greeted_my_boss_in_the_morning_he_told_me/
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After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves

What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0ovb/after_seven_years_of_medical_training_and_hard/
%
I walked outside my house wearing my Saran Wrap suit,

my neighbor said "I always knew you were crazy, but now I can clearly see your nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0o6j/i_walked_outside_my_house_wearing_my_saran_wrap/
%
A guy with a black eye boarding a plane , notices the man he's seated next to has a black eye too.

He asked the man , "do you mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The man replied, " it was a tongue twister accident, a gorgeous blonde with big tits at the ticket counter , asked where I was going. So I replied, ' I'd like two pickets to tits burgh'."
So she socked me a good one. The other man replied, " wow , what a coincidence, mine was a tongue twister too, at the breakfast table , I wanted to say to my wife, 'please pour me a cup of coffee honey.' But instead said, ' you have ruined my life, you evil , self-centered , fat ass cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0n1a/a_guy_with_a_black_eye_boarding_a_plane_notices/
%
I like my women like I like my panic attacks

Ready to fuck me without a moment's notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0gzv/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_panic_attacks/
%
A father takes his son fishing

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to catch fish?
Dad: Sure, son! first you throw the clickbait into the water
Son: What next?
Dad: What happens next will shock you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0fxm/a_father_takes_his_son_fishing/
%
19 and 20 got into a fight

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0ekm/19_and_20_got_into_a_fight/
%
Inventor displays the first knife ever.

His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0dam/inventor_displays_the_first_knife_ever/
%
I walked into an elevator today...

and there was a middle aged man in there, crouching down, holding a white stick and wearing dark glasses.
After saying hello to him, there was an awkward silence between us and I was faced with a very awkward situation.
Should I help him? Will he be offended if I try to help him? Should I just let him get on with it?
Well in the end, I decided to do the right thing.
I got off at the 3rd floor and let him finish having a shit in peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0bo7/i_walked_into_an_elevator_today/
%
Every time someone comments on my wrinkly clothes I just tell them that I have an iron deficiency.

Yep. I do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0bae/every_time_someone_comments_on_my_wrinkly_clothes/
%
A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0afa/a_mormon_and_an_irishman_are_on_a_plane/
%
I've nicknamed my grandad Spiderman.

He doesn't have any superpowers, he just can't climb out of the bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j07tq/ive_nicknamed_my_grandad_spiderman/
%
You know I think Fight Club is pretty underrated.

Nobody talks about it these days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j078n/you_know_i_think_fight_club_is_pretty_underrated/
%
My friends told me to stop being a flamingo

I decided to put my foot down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j06gg/my_friends_told_me_to_stop_being_a_flamingo/
%
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three:
A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j05dq/how_many_ears_does_captain_kirk_have/
%
Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j049w/why_did_the_console_player_cross_the_road/
%
Is the reason why all of the Pokemon professors are named after trees because

They embark you on your journey?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0484/is_the_reason_why_all_of_the_pokemon_professors/
%
A man sued an airline for misplacing his luggage.

He unfortunately lost his case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j0419/a_man_sued_an_airline_for_misplacing_his_luggage/
%
I accidentally said Hello to a feminist the other day.

The court trial starts tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j01ln/i_accidentally_said_hello_to_a_feminist_the_other/
%
I took my orchestra onto a train one day

The conductor was rubbish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5j003d/i_took_my_orchestra_onto_a_train_one_day/
%
Blonde Joke of the day

Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." :-D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izz21/blonde_joke_of_the_day/
%
What do you call an orphan who suffers from horrific parental abuse?

A paradox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izuqg/what_do_you_call_an_orphan_who_suffers_from/
%
The fact that there is only a stairway to heaven...

But a highway to hell says alot about anticipated traffic numbers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izr1w/the_fact_that_there_is_only_a_stairway_to_heaven/
%
I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals...

...fucking livid...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izq8z/i_cant_remember_what_51_6_and_500_are_in_roman/
%
A girl asks her dad if she can have a friend stay the night.

The dad agrees and drives the gril to pick her friend up. Later, as the dad is getting ready for bed, he hears the girls playing Truth or Dare. Listening in, he hears the friend ask "When was the last time you've had an orgasm?". The girl replies "Three days ago". Furious, the dad bursts into the bedroom and yells "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING IT LAST NIGHT"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izp4f/a_girl_asks_her_dad_if_she_can_have_a_friend_stay/
%
What's the worst question you can ask a blind date?

"So.. you seeing anyone?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izjzz/whats_the_worst_question_you_can_ask_a_blind_date/
%
Some old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance.

Turns out pushing the old bitch to the ground was a bad idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izjlt/some_old_lady_at_the_bank_asked_me_if_i_could/
%
What does Bill Cosby have in common with Santa?

They both come while you sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izjeb/what_does_bill_cosby_have_in_common_with_santa/
%
I've been using Vim for 5 years...

Mainly because I don't know how to exit it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izj46/ive_been_using_vim_for_5_years/
%
Donald Trump says US should let China keep seized underwater drone

oops wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izfjz/donald_trump_says_us_should_let_china_keep_seized/
%
Break ups are the worst in China

You see her face everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izffh/break_ups_are_the_worst_in_china/
%
At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izf4y/at_the_beginning_of_this_year_i_made_a_new_years/
%
When I'm a dad, I want to call my child "Welcome".

So that when they ask me "Dad, why did you give me such a terrible name? All my peers bully me, and it's making my life miserable." I can tell them "You're Welcome."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izf14/when_im_a_dad_i_want_to_call_my_child_welcome/
%
Give a man a plane ticket...

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izezw/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket/
%
I recently quit my job at a wind farm...

It turns out i'm not a big fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izez9/i_recently_quit_my_job_at_a_wind_farm/
%
Newton's third law of Emotion.

For every male action, there is a female overreaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izdrd/newtons_third_law_of_emotion/
%
So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo...

...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get people's attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lion's den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izc8f/so_a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo/
%
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling,
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izbzu/one_day_an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman/
%
A priest was walking through the worst part of town..........

A priest was walking through the worst part of town on his way to the soup kitchen. He passed by a young woman wearing more makeup than clothing.
"Hey mister, want a blowjob? Only $20" she asked.
"Uh, er, no thank you," said the priest.
What's a blowjob? he wondered. Later that night, on the way back, another woman asked him the same question.
"Hey buddy, want a blowjob? Only $20."
"Ah, no, not tonight." said the priest.
For the rest of the walk home, he puzzled over what those women might be offering him. Finally, he reached the church and saw the Mother Superior in the hallway.
"Mother Superior, what's a blowjob?"
"$20 father, same as in town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izbkh/a_priest_was_walking_through_the_worst_part_of/
%
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5izayl/what_do_you_call_people_who_are_afraid_of_santa/
%
Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the ark-hives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iza5i/where_did_noah_keep_his_bees/
%
My friend told me I don't understand irony..

...Which is ironic because we were playing checkers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iz9ug/my_friend_told_me_i_dont_understand_irony/
%
His name is odd

So there was this guy named odd, and see everyone would make fun of him, cause his name was odd, lol.
So when he died, he told the gravestone guy to leave his gravestone blank, so no one would make fun of his grave.
But see, when people would walk by his grave, they would say:
"huh, that's odd"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
sorry. I'm not supposed to laugh at my own jokes, but that one is an all-time favorite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iz8wc/his_name_is_odd/
%
Son: " Mom, am I ... ugly? "

Mother: " I told you not to call me Mom in public, now stay away further. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iz864/son_mom_am_i_ugly/
%
How do you kiss a florist?

With tulips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iz6rx/how_do_you_kiss_a_florist/
%
My girlfriend is the square root of -100

Perfect 10, but imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iz42c/my_girlfriend_is_the_square_root_of_100/
%
Guy comes home with a flower bouquet...

"Guess I'll have to spread my legs now", says the wife.
"Why? Don't you have a vase?" the husband replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iz13a/guy_comes_home_with_a_flower_bouquet/
%
What is a Mexicans favourite sport?

Cross-Country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iyz96/what_is_a_mexicans_favourite_sport/
%
Onion Icecream

One day, a boy visits an ice cream shop. The shopkeeper welcomes him, and the boy says: "Do you guys have onion flavoured ice cream?"
The shop keeper replies: "No, sorry, we do not"
This goes on for a month or so, until the shop keeper decides to make some onion icecream for the kid. It took the shop keeper the whole night to make it.
The boy came in the next day with the usual question, "Do you guys have onion flavoured ice cream?"
This time, the shop keeper replied, "Yes, yes, we do!"
The boy said: "Who even buys that shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iyrgr/onion_icecream/
%
Why is six afraid of seven?

Seven is a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iyoc0/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iyo2i/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
The best joke I ever heard from a Laffy Taffy wrapper

Why do kangaroos hate rainy days?
...
The kids have to play inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iyml8/the_best_joke_i_ever_heard_from_a_laffy_taffy/
%
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..."

*Poof* ... He disappears without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iyken/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
%
My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iyiyr/my_dentist_reminded_me_of_my_wifes_sensitive_gag/
%
My brother thought it'd be hilarious to replace all my Adderall with Viagra...

which explains how I've been studying so hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iyij8/my_brother_thought_itd_be_hilarious_to_replace/
%
Hey girl, are you a zero APR loan?

Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iyfw6/hey_girl_are_you_a_zero_apr_loan/
%
I don't think it's correct to call them grammar Nazis anymore...

They seem to prefer the label "alt-write" nowadays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iyfrl/i_dont_think_its_correct_to_call_them_grammar/
%
I ap-p-p-p-lied for a j-job as a r-r-r-radio an-n-nouncer.

Sh-sh-shame on them, rej-jecting me because I'm b-b-b-black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iyea5/i_apppplied_for_a_jjob_as_a_rrrradio_annnouncer/
%
Why are there so many female archaeologists?

Because bitches love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iydji/why_are_there_so_many_female_archaeologists/
%
Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?

To stop hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iycnd/why_does_the_american_border_patrol_guard_take/
%
Did you hear about the oompah loompah marathon?

Contestants are running short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iybjx/did_you_hear_about_the_oompah_loompah_marathon/
%
Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.

Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iy8ao/multijokes_how_many_jews_can_you_fit_in_a_family/
%
I was working at the orange juice factory

But I got canned couldn't concentrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iy85s/i_was_working_at_the_orange_juice_factory/
%
A robot walks into a bar.

“What can I get you?” the bartender asks. “I need something to loosen up,” the robot replies. So the bartender serves him a screwdriver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iy6e3/a_robot_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Dr Heimlich died today

I'm all choked up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iy5im/dr_heimlich_died_today/
%
I was hoping my sister could help me with trigonometry...

But then I remembered, "she's in middle school, of course secant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iy2m1/i_was_hoping_my_sister_could_help_me_with/
%
A really hot girl was checking me out today.

Then I paid her for the groceries and left the store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iy1nm/a_really_hot_girl_was_checking_me_out_today/
%
Did you hear the one....

Did you hear the one about the dad who told his son if you masterbate too much you'll go blind. The son looks at his dad and says, "Dad I'm over here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iy0yj/did_you_hear_the_one/
%
A preist is in the middle of confession

When a man bursts in yelling, "Father, Father! There's
been a terrible accident out front and we need
you to help console the people." Father replies,
"But son I'm in the middle of confession, if you
can take over for me I'll go." Reluctantly the
man agrees after getting a list of sins and their
corresponding pennance. The first person he
encounters says, "Forgive me father for I have
sinned it has been 3 months since my last
confession, and I have stolen." After finding
stealing on the list the young man instructs him
to say three hail marys and light 2 candles. A
woman enters next and says, "forgive me father
for I have sinned it has been 6 months since my
last confession, and I have commited oral sex."
After a slight chuckle the man checks the list
and tells her to say 1 hail mary, 3 our fathers
and light 4 candles. Another man enters and says,
"forgive me father for I have sinned it has been
1 month since my last confession, and I have had
anal sex." The man starts looking over the list,
page 1, page 2, page 3, but nowhere does it
mention anal sex. So he sticks his head out of
the booth and asks the nearsest altar boy,
"Whats the Father give for anal sex?" The altar
boy replies, "Two cookies and a glass of milk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iy0yb/a_preist_is_in_the_middle_of_confession/
%
How do you make holes in a fire?

With a fire drill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iy0c0/how_do_you_make_holes_in_a_fire/
%
A pirate walks into a bar...

...and requests a grog of ale.
"Sure thing pal," says the bartender. But he sees the pirate has his ship's wheel stuck in his pants. "Mr. Pirate," he says, "you do realize your wheel is in your pants?"
The pirate looks at the bartender with a fury-induced bloodshot eye that held years of rage. "Aye...it's driving me *nuts*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iy07k/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Today I broke my leg

but it's going tibia okay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ixy7g/today_i_broke_my_leg/
%
How do you get a fat girl into bed?

It's a piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ixx4t/how_do_you_get_a_fat_girl_into_bed/
%
When birds fly in V formation why is one side longer than the other?

They have more birds on that side. #scienceded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ixwj7/when_birds_fly_in_v_formation_why_is_one_side/
%
A woodsman heads into town to buy supplies...

He fills his cart and heads to the counter.
Clerk: Anything else for ya?
Woodsman: Ya got any women?
Clerk: We don't have any women, but we got Old Jim.
Woodsman: I ain't into that shit.
So the woodsman heads back to his cabin. 3 months later he returns for supplies again.
Clerk: Anything else for ya?
Woodsman: Ya got any women?
Clerk: We don't have any women, but we got Old Jim.
Woodsman: I already told you, I ain't into that shit.
So again the woodsman heads back to his cabin. 3 months later he returns for supplies again, and is now desperate for sex.
Clerk: Anything else for ya?
Woodsman: Ya got any women?
Clerk: We don't have any women, but we got Old Jim.
Woodsman: OK, so let's just say I did take you up on this deal? Who all would know about it?
Clerk: Well you'd know about it. And, of course, I would know about it. And, obviously, Old Jim would know about it... And other than that, just Jeff in the back would know about it.
Woodsman: Wait, why does Jeff have to know about it?
Clerk: Well somebody's gotta hold Old Jim down, cus he ain't into that shit either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ixw5k/a_woodsman_heads_into_town_to_buy_supplies/
%
A vandal smashed a hole in the strip club wall.

The police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ixt1k/a_vandal_smashed_a_hole_in_the_strip_club_wall/
%
I got an iPad from my chinese friend...

I love homemade gifts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ixqyw/i_got_an_ipad_from_my_chinese_friend/
%
I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ixopk/i_just_murdered_a_tree_and_put_its_decorated/
%
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ixkl8/what_do_you_call_a_snobby_criminal_going_down_the/
%
A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke around 8 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ixeon/a_married_man_was_having_an_affair_with_his/
%
Where did the memes make their last stand?

The Aylmao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ixd9v/where_did_the_memes_make_their_last_stand/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ixd71/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
A skeleton walks into a bar

He orders a beer and a mop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ix9rx/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So a guy walks into an ice cream shop..

He asks the clerk 'hello sir may I have a quart of vanilla?'
The clerk politely responds 'Im sorry we're fresh out of vanilla'
The man clearly disappointed says 'ah shucks alright I guess I'll just take a pint of vanilla'
The clerk slightly agitated states 'Sir we are completely out of vanilla. I don't have anymore.'
The man lets out a sigh and says 'ok ok fine I'll just take a cone of vanilla.'
The clerk gives him a blank stare for a moment and says 'sir spell the straw in strawberry'
'S-T-R-A-W'
'Spell the choc in chocolate'
'C-H-O-C'
'Ok now spell the fuck in vanilla'
'But there's no fuck in vanilla'
'THATS WHAT IM TRYING TO TELL YOU'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ix9n0/so_a_guy_walks_into_an_ice_cream_shop/
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King Arthur

was leaving Guinevere in care of Sir Lancelot while he left on extended buisness. He incased her nether regions with a stout chastity belt, entrusting the key to Sir Lancelot. After Arthur had proceeded a short distance down the road, Lancelot galloped up in a great hurry "King Arthur!" he exclaimed, "You gave me the wrong key!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ix8qi/king_arthur/
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ix799/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop_and_the_barber/
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So I just texted my crush...

So I just texted my crush.
Even after all these years, she thought I was really creepy.
Now, I don't know what to do.
Dear god, can I please go back in time and undo my actions.
Never will I do anything like that again.
Usually, she likes to joke about things, apparantly not this time.
Don't go and say that I was stupid, because I didn't do anything wrong.
Everyone I asked said "Just text her, you have nothing to lose".
So all I wrote was the first letter of each sentence in this post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ix6pi/so_i_just_texted_my_crush/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, it won't come anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ix4vq/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Why aren't there any B batteries?

Because people might think you have a stutter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ix2ik/why_arent_there_any_b_batteries/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ix1wg/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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Why can't Einstein build a wall?

He only has ein stein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwypw/why_cant_einstein_build_a_wall/
%
That's it, I have had enough of this holiday cheer! I am sick of it, I will never help anyone again. Ever! Done.

Either I'm too kindhearted, or I'm too stupid. Last night it was so cold out (-36C / -33F), that my heart ran away with me once again. I took a man into our home out of pity, and the kindness of my heart.
He was just sitting by the road, literally freezing to death. I felt sorry and got worried for him, trembling in the extreme cold, out in the snow.
What else could I do?
But this morning, he had just vanished without a word, not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him.
The last straw was when I realized he had pee'd all over the living room floor! Disgusted, that is the "thank you" I get for being good to people? Never again!
Let me warn you my friends and neighbors, watch out for this character, he is heavy set, wearing nothing but a scarf and an old ratty hat. He has a nose that looks like a carrot, and two big black eyes. His arms are so skinny, they look like sticks!
Don't bring him in to your house, what a thankless huge mess he made of mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwybt/thats_it_i_have_had_enough_of_this_holiday_cheer/
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The geography of men and women.

The geography of a woman:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered , half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
The geography of a man:
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.
(I hope I didn't offend anyone from any particular country. Just a simple joke. Peace!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwwf6/the_geography_of_men_and_women/
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THE SCENT OF AN OLD WOMAN.....

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwso2/the_scent_of_an_old_woman/
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me there's something that smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwrr0/what_did_one_eye_say_to_the_other/
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I don't believe in hitting my children as punishment...

So I send them to school in a Justin Beiber shirt and Crocs and let the other kids beat them instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwrnf/i_dont_believe_in_hitting_my_children_as/
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My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwr59/my_wife_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out_instead_of/
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[NSFW] A young muslim goes to a german doctor.

The young muslim says "Doctor, my eyes burn everytime I have sex."
The doctor replied: "That's normal, that's what happens when you get pepper sprayed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwqkz/nsfw_a_young_muslim_goes_to_a_german_doctor/
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A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster.

As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried. Next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, and even the cow. Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster’s limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, “Shhhh!, they are about to land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwp5g/a_farmer_goes_out_and_buys_a_new_young_rooster/
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The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking,

but the invention of the broom swept the nation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwohn/the_invention_of_the_shovel_was_groundbreaking/
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A bad detective will never be able to jump start a car...

They can't find any leads!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwogk/a_bad_detective_will_never_be_able_to_jump_start/
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My wife is a bit jealous and said I can't do anything with another woman that my wife and I do together.

I guess that means I can sleep with another woman but I am not allowed to listen to them complain about their mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwodr/my_wife_is_a_bit_jealous_and_said_i_cant_do/
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There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator

Only a fraction of people will find this funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwm5t/theres_a_fine_line_between_the_numerator_and/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Twelve.
1. One to screw it in.
1. One to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination.
1. One to blame men for creating such a faulty means of illumination.
1. One to suggest the whole "screwing" thing to be too "rape-like".
1. One to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic.
1. One to blame men for not changing the lightbulb.
1. One to blame men for trying to change the lightbulb instead of letting a woman do it.
1. One to blame men for creating a society which discourages women from changing lightbulbs.
1. One to blame men for creating a society where women from change too many lightbulbs.
1. One to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians.
1. One to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men.
1. One to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwjs8/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Why do they call me an oven?

Because when I get turned on things get really hot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwhia/why_do_they_call_me_an_oven/
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Why do dwarfs always laugh?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iwd0g/why_do_dwarfs_always_laugh/
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How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, Crisp and Even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iw9ij/how_does_good_king_wenceslas_like_his_pizza/
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I just heard news that the inventor of the Heimlich Manuever, Henry J. Heimlich, just passed away at 96

I'm still choked up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iw8c2/i_just_heard_news_that_the_inventor_of_the/
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What do you call a computer on the bottom of the ocean?

A Dell rolling in the deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iw4hp/what_do_you_call_a_computer_on_the_bottom_of_the/
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After seven years of medical training and hard work

my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training and money.  A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iw35c/after_seven_years_of_medical_training_and_hard/
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Today, I played God.

I saw a bug, suffering. I watched it for a couple of minutes. Then I kept watching, and watching, and watching...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iw26b/today_i_played_god/
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What do you call a sick Pokémon?

Pikachoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivyul/what_do_you_call_a_sick_pokémon/
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What did one wall say to the other wall?

Meet you at the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivx4h/what_did_one_wall_say_to_the_other_wall/
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How do you find King Arthur in the dark?

With a knight light....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivwi2/how_do_you_find_king_arthur_in_the_dark/
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How to you make Holy Water?

You boil the hell out it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivw85/how_to_you_make_holy_water/
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The Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
**There. That, should piss off just about everybody.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivw04/the_commandments/
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A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...

He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.
The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."
His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it?"
The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the pickle slicer."
The woman stifles a laugh tells her husband not to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
A few weeks go by, and the man only wants to put his penis in the pickle slicer more and more, so he goes to his manager, to ask for help, and the manager refers him to an occupational therapist and gives him some time off. Nothing helps though, the therapist refers him to a real psychologist, hoping that maybe they can cure this man's affliction.
So one day the man comes home to his wife and says with a sigh,
"Honey, I got fired today. I put my penis in the pickle slicer."
She gasps, crying out "oh my god! You have to go to the hospital!"
The man looks up at her, "Oh no, I'm perfectly fine. I feel great, actually."
His wife is now completely bewildered, "But, bu--your peni- and the pickle slicer!?"
The man shrugs, "Yeah, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivt8z/a_man_comes_home_to_his_wife_from_his_job_at_a/
%
I sleep better naked.

Why is this flight attendant unable to understand that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivq1m/i_sleep_better_naked/
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The Devil finally gets to Hitler in hell.

"What the Fuck!" Hitler says, "You've kept me waiting for 70 years!"
"It's your own fault", the Devil replies.
"Do you have any idea how long it takes to process 6 million Jews?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivpr1/the_devil_finally_gets_to_hitler_in_hell/
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Heimlich Maneuver

Two hillbillies, Daryl and John, walk into a steakhouse and sit down at the bar. The two order beers. A woman next to them begins coughing hysterically and puts her hands over her neck to show she was choking.
Springing into action, Daryl rushed over to the lady in distress. Grabbing the bottom of her dress, he lifts it up and takes a big lick across her ass.
The lady's eyes widened, and in surprise coughed up the piece of steak she was choking on. Speechless, she stares at Daryl.
"Your welcome," Daryl said. He walked back over to his buddy with a big smile on his face.
John smiles back and said, "well Daryl, I ain't never seen it before until now, but that Hind Lick Maneuver sure as hell works!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivovl/heimlich_maneuver/
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Helen Keller walks into a bar...

Then a table. Then a chair. Then a door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivn25/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Ground up and in the freezer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivmfc/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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What do you call a black pilot?

A pilot, you racist bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivm4c/what_do_you_call_a_black_pilot/
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Brian is lonely and decides to hire a hooker.

He drives around until he sees a lady of the night who catches his eye.  After going through some formalities she gets in the passenger seat and he asks how much she charges.
"For starters a handy is $375."
"Wow, that seems like a lot of cash for a handjob lady."
"Mister, do you see that Porsche parked at the end of the street?"  She points to a brand new Porsche.  "I own that because I give the best damned handjobs ever."
Brian considers this and decides it's worth it.  He is completely blown away when she's done.
"Wow.  So how much do you charge for a blowjob?"
"For you sweetie, $925."
"925?  That seems pretty steep."
"Listen here sugar.  Do you see the 6 story motel my Porsche is parked in front of? I own that motel because I give the best damned blowjobs ever."
Recalling the outstanding handjob she had just performed, Brian decides to give it a shot. Once again he is not dissapointed.
"Wow, that was great.  So I have to know...how much do you charge for sex?"
"Do you see that 30 story office building?"
Brian gulps.  "Um, yeah."
"If I had a pussy I would own that too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivkyo/brian_is_lonely_and_decides_to_hire_a_hooker/
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I like my women like I like my Scotch.

Noice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivjjt/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_scotch/
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How do you console somebody with bad grammar skills?

There, their, they're.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivif4/how_do_you_console_somebody_with_bad_grammar/
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What's a cobbler's favorite dessert?

Tear in me shoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivhmi/whats_a_cobblers_favorite_dessert/
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How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and other to drink until the room spins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivhhs/how_many_russians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A cop just killed my GTA V character even thoug he's white...

Anyone else experiencing this bug?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iveuq/a_cop_just_killed_my_gta_v_character_even_thoug/
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What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck!  Ha ha!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ive3i/what_has_4_wheels_and_flies/
%
I always found the Lord of the Rings trilogy a bit boring

It's just a LOTR walking around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ive0n/i_always_found_the_lord_of_the_rings_trilogy_a/
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Timmy was a chemist's son.

But Timmy is no more. What Timmy thought was H₂O was H₂SO₄.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivdry/timmy_was_a_chemists_son/
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What's black and white and red all over?

Police brutality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivdd5/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
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I like my women like I like my student debt

Always there and constantly fucking me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivb66/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_student_debt/
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blonde joke of the day

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ivb3b/blonde_joke_of_the_day/
%
My friend told me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iva4d/my_friend_told_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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I can swallow a rope and poop out a lasso

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iv93q/i_can_swallow_a_rope_and_poop_out_a_lasso/
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So I found out today I have Alzheimer's...



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iv858/so_i_found_out_today_i_have_alzheimers/
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What do you mean I can't identify as a television?

Just watch me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iv6sv/what_do_you_mean_i_cant_identify_as_a_television/
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I just watched a documentary about hydroelectricity

Best dam program I've seen in a long time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iv5vk/i_just_watched_a_documentary_about/
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What do you call an abominable snowman who's always late?

A not-yeti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iv5mv/what_do_you_call_an_abominable_snowman_whos/
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Times flies like an arrow...

Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iv4ay/times_flies_like_an_arrow/
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A frog was waiting for the bus

Apparently his car got toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iv390/a_frog_was_waiting_for_the_bus/
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Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen.

The 4 stages of Bruce Jenner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iv1uz/dasher_dancer_prancer_and_vixen/
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Wife: He makes puns all the time

Therapist: You should punish him
Husband: But every punishment to be different

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iv0la/wife_he_makes_puns_all_the_time/
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I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too.

Hopefully they’ll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iuv7m/i_married_a_beautiful_woman_a_smart_one_too/
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Did you hear about the bald man's will after he died?

Turns out he didn't have any heirs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iur16/did_you_hear_about_the_bald_mans_will_after_he/
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I tried eating a clock once

It was time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iur12/i_tried_eating_a_clock_once/
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The young women who couldn't pay her rent

There was once a young lady who couldn't afford to pay her rent and as a result started doing bondage porn to make ends meet. The filming was extremely demanding and she ended up dying from complications. Her family was quoted saying she would still be here if she hadn't been strapped for cash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iuqjy/the_young_women_who_couldnt_pay_her_rent/
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands
You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iump8/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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I know this is r/jokes, but I have to share this with someone.

I'm about to go and see the bank manager and my life will change forever. I'll finally have the money to take my kids abroad, buy my wife that car she's always wanted and have plenty left over to enjoy Christmas.
I'm talking *millions* here, guys. I can't contain my excitement, in fact, I'm so hyped up, I can barely fit this stocking over my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iumm0/i_know_this_is_rjokes_but_i_have_to_share_this/
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Salesman of the Year

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iuk2t/salesman_of_the_year/
%
Why was the blind guy always so happy?

He couldn't see any reason not to be!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iujbk/why_was_the_blind_guy_always_so_happy/
%
I like my nudes the same way I won the presidency

Black male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iuhw4/i_like_my_nudes_the_same_way_i_won_the_presidency/
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The asterisk was invented by someone seeing a cat's butt and thinking that it would make a great punctuation mark.

It was almost a catastrophe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iuh99/the_asterisk_was_invented_by_someone_seeing_a/
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A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needs a handsaw....

After looking around, he catches the attention of another worker on a different floor and yells out to him, but the other worker can't make out what he is saying over all the noise.
So the worker on the 5th floor decides to try using gestures to get his message across. He points to his eye meaning "I", to his knee meaning "need", and finally he moves his hand back and forth in a saw-like motion for "saw". The man on the other floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and begins fervently masturbating.
Shocked, the worker on the 5th floor runs down to him and angrily yells, "JESUS CHRIST! What the hell are you doing!?! I was saying I needed a hand saw!".
Defensively the other guy replies, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you I was coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iufsc/a_construction_worker_on_the_5th_floor_of_a/
%
Why did Chewbacca fail his driving test?

He made a few Wookiee errors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iud1d/why_did_chewbacca_fail_his_driving_test/
%
I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…

Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iuclp/i_remember_lying_in_bed_as_a_kid_waiting_for/
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I don't understand...

...how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and yet my wife can have 152 just for our house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iubpr/i_dont_understand/
%
Boy says this to girl

Boy: No word can describe how beautiful you are
Girl: Awwwww
Boy: But a number can, 2/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iuad4/boy_says_this_to_girl/
%
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"
Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!"
*POOF*
She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.
The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?"
Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!"
*POOF*
Away she went!
The third nun nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?"
With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?"
The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!"
And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands.
Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iu9rc/three_nuns_passed_away_and_went_up_to_heaven_they/
%
What's the difference between watts and ohms?

Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iu9og/whats_the_difference_between_watts_and_ohms/
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This Weekend I Bought a Christmas Tree...

I went to the garden center today and bought a freshly-cut Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”
I replied, “No, you sick fuck. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iu9gt/this_weekend_i_bought_a_christmas_tree/
%
What did the bishop say after they redid the vestibule with black and white tiles?

"It looks nice but now I can only enter and exit diagonally "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iu9gg/what_did_the_bishop_say_after_they_redid_the/
%
a young man walking down the street gets approached by a hooker....

She asked him...
"Want to have a good time?"...
"Sure"... he says....
They head off to the nearest hotel...
She takes off her clothes...all the while he's staring at her.....
The hooker says...."is this the first time you've seen a pussy since you crawled out of one?"
"Nope..just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iu7xw/a_young_man_walking_down_the_street_gets/
%
I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes....

they performed unspeakable acts on me. ..!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iu7hy/i_was_kidnapped_by_a_pack_of_mimes/
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My doctor prescribed me a drink to help with my Parkinson's disease.

On the front it says, "Shake before use."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iu593/my_doctor_prescribed_me_a_drink_to_help_with_my/
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Two Arab brothers meet in Lebanon

They have a conversation in which they agree that they are both quite wealthy and that to lead better lives they should move to America with their families.
They decide to move to New York with their wives and children and meet up in Central Park. The first brother says to the second one:
"Let us meet up in this exact spot in 5 years from now and we can see which of us has become more Americanized." The second brother agrees and they shake on it.
After 5 years, they meet up and the first brother says to the second brother:
"I just dropped my first daughter off at prom, my son is at a soccer game and my second daughter is at baseball camp. What about you?"
The second brother looks him up and down and says: "Fuck off you towelhead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iu4vp/two_arab_brothers_meet_in_lebanon/
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How do you get four gay guys on a barstool?

Turn it upside-down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iu4i7/how_do_you_get_four_gay_guys_on_a_barstool/
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Two atoms are in a bar

One says to another: "I think I've lost an electron today." The other one replies " are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iu4d7/two_atoms_are_in_a_bar/
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A man and his camel

A man was riding his camel through the desert. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Seeing as there were no women in the desert he turned to the camel and started positioning himself for sex. The camel immediately ran off so the man chased it, caught back up to it then started riding again.
Later that day the man had the urge for sex again. So once again he turned to his camel which refused by running away. So he caught up to it and rode off.
The next time the man had this urge for sex he came across a car with three beautiful looking women. He went up to them and the hottest one there said, "our car is broken down, if you can fix it we will do anything you want". Luckily for the man he knew he knew a thing or two about cars so he fixed it almost immediately.
As he finished the girls said, "how could we every repay you sir."
After thinking for some time the man replied with, "could you hold my camel?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iu3od/a_man_and_his_camel/
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Hypothetically vs Reality

Youngest Son: Dad,whats the difference
between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'?
.
Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom
cruise for 1 million?
.
Wife: Of course! I would never waste such an
opportunity
.
Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep with
Tom cruise for 1 Million?
.
Daughter: Yes He's my fantasy
.
Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with, Tom
cruise for 1 million?
.
Elder Son: Why not ? Imagine what I could do
with that money!
.
Father turns to his younger son: You see son,
'Hypothetically' we're sitting with 3 millionares
but in 'Reality' we are living with
2 prostitutes
&
1 gay Bastard !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iu1r2/hypothetically_vs_reality/
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Two Rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God...

Two Rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God, and, using strong arguments from the scriptures, ended up indisputably disproving His existence. The next day, one Rabbi was surprised to see the other walking into the Shul for morning servic**e**s.
"I thought we had agreed there was no God," h**e** said.
"Yes, what does that have to do with it?" replied the oth**e**r.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5itxv0/two_rabbis_argued_late_into_the_night_about_the/
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A lesson in a Governmnet ,A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5itscu/a_lesson_in_a_governmnet_a_teacher_was_teaching/
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The devil finally gets to Hitler in hell.

"What the fuck?!" Says Hitler, "nearly 70 years you've had me waiting."
"It's your own fucking fault!" Replied the devil, "have you any idea how long it takes to process 6 million Jews?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5itphr/the_devil_finally_gets_to_hitler_in_hell/
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Circle of Life?

A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient, was understandably nervous.
When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped down into the patient's throat.
"Sorry," said the doctor. "You're outside my specialty now. You should see a laryngologist! (throat specialist)."
By the time the unfortunate victim got to· the laryngologist, the tooth had worked its way much further down.
The laryngologist examined the man.
"Sorry," said the doctor, "You're outside my specialty now. You should see a gastrologist! (stomach specialist)."
The gastrologist X-rayed the patient.
"Sorry," said the doctor,"the tooth has traveled into your lower intestines. You should see an enterologist! (intestinal specialist).''
The enterologist took some X rays.
"Sorry, the tooth isn't there. It must have gone down farther. You should see a Proctologist! (a specialist in diseases of the rectum; anus)."
The Proctologist's examined the patient.... inserted a proctoscope inside the..... and remarked..... "Good heavens, man! You've got a tooth up there! You should see a dentist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5itn4s/circle_of_life/
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All of the heroes of Overwatch have natural hair colors...

Because heroes never dye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5itl2c/all_of_the_heroes_of_overwatch_have_natural_hair/
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A boy is selling fish on the corner...

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he's yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass me the fucking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ited5/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_the_corner/
%
A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’
Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’
The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5itdp1/a_5year_old_boy_went_to_visit_his_grandmother_one/
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The gorilla dies at an inner-city zoo...

The gorilla dies at an inner-city zoo, right before it opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. How**e**ver, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storag**e** for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new 'gorilla' becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the 'Human-like' gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the sp**e**ctacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP, HELP" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the h**e**ll up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5itb3k/the_gorilla_dies_at_an_innercity_zoo/
%
Black people play 2k, then go to them gym and start trying to be like Kobe.

White people play Call of Duty, then go to school and try to go on a 25-kill streak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5itaw1/black_people_play_2k_then_go_to_them_gym_and/
%
A classic Tommy Cooper gag

* I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?'
* He said: 'How flexible are you?'
* I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5it9ow/a_classic_tommy_cooper_gag/
%
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says,
“Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5it90w/a_flight_is_on_its_way_to_sydney_when_a_blonde_in/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, feminists can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5it8rc/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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The Statue

A woman was in bed with her boyfreind when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5it8jd/the_statue/
%
What is ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5it8aw/what_is_et_short_for/
%
I got called racist for saying 'pitch black'

The umpire disqualified me and told me I struck out and that the better thing to say would be 'Jamal, I'm ready for your fastball'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5it6xf/i_got_called_racist_for_saying_pitch_black/
%
There was a man in Ukraine who operated a train for a living.

He showed up to work one day extremely drunk and starting hitting people on the tracks, killing a few before he was caught and arrested. State law deemed that death via the electric chair was an acceptable punishment for his deeds.
The day he was put to death, they asked him for any last meals. His only request a single banana. They obliged, gave him his banana, and put him on the chair. The chair was activated, and to the executioner's surprise, nothing happened.  The man was still very alive.
They were perplexed, but due to local law, they could only do the chair once on him per crime.
After being released, the man went back to operating his train.  Another day, he got very drunk again, got on his train and started killing more people. He was caught again and everybody jumped on the idea of giving him the electric chair treatment again.
Once again, they asked him what his last meal would be. Once again, he simply said he wanted a single banana. They obliged. He ate it, got on the chair, and once again did not die when the executioner turned it on.
He was then released again.  Wisely, the police kept a close eye on the man in an attempt to make sure he didn't operate any more trains.  A few weeks later, he got shitfaced, started driving a train again and killed MORE people. Police found him sloppy drunk throwing up on the floor.
They decided to try the chair once more. They bought a brand new one and tested it with various other criminals.
He asked for a banana as a last meal once more. Scientists checked everything about the fruit they gave him, before giving it to him. He ate it, sat in the chair again, and they activated it.
He didn't die again. He was still there, looking at the floor in sadness.
The officials and onlookers were perplexed, angry and baffled. They all bombarded him with questions.  The authorities asked him "How the heck are you avoiding death by electric chair with a single banana?"
"It's not the banana, sir.  I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5it5sz/there_was_a_man_in_ukraine_who_operated_a_train/
%
Teacher asks to name 3 great kings

Student raises hand and replies fucking, smoking, drinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5it3q8/teacher_asks_to_name_3_great_kings/
%
Two Jews meet in a NY subway

A J**e**wish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the J**e**wish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
(Re-posted from this morning because something must have happened to it, if the mods had of taken it down I'm sure they would have provided a reason why, and not been dicks about it. So I'll save them the trouble and be a gentleman about it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5it3oq/two_jews_meet_in_a_ny_subway/
%
The Flash was lusting after Wonder Woman..

The Flash looked out the window one morning and saw Wonder Woman sunbathing naked. He thought to himself "I would love to have sex with her, just once." After lusting after her for several minutes he got an erection...and an idea. "I could screw her in 2 seconds and she'd never know what happened.
And that's what he did. After he had finished the deed, Wonder Woman said aloud "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5it3lu/the_flash_was_lusting_after_wonder_woman/
%
The Frog and the Preist

One day, a priest was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond. On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog the priest had ever seen! "Dear frog," the priest asked, "what is the matter? Why are you so sad?"
"Well," said the frog, "I was not always a frog." "Tell me more" said the priest. "One day, I was waslking through these woods when I came upon a wicked witch. 'Stand aside witch!' I said to her. But alas, she called me a nasty cheeky boy and turned me into a frog."
"But that's terrible!" said the priest. "Isn't there anything that can be done to reverse the spell?" asked the priest.
"Well" said the frog, "if a kind person were to take me home for the night, feed me and put me to sleep on their pillow, I am sure I would wake up human again."
"Well, this is your lucky day!" said the priest. So he took the frog home, fed him and put him to sleep on his pillow. And lo and behold, when he woke up the next morning, there was a 10 year old choir boy in his bed!
"And that Your Honour," said the lawyer, "is the case for the Defense!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5it2w2/the_frog_and_the_preist/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women..

Thrown into a burlap sack and transported across the border.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5it0d0/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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Husband And Wife Were Sleeping Then What Happened

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5isyai/husband_and_wife_were_sleeping_then_what_happened/
%
Two old Jews are walking down the street and see a sign outside of a church that says: "Jews, come let us save your soul! Convert and we will give you $50!"

Shmuel and Moshe are walking down the street and see a sign outside of a church that says: "Jews, come let us save your soul! Convert and we will give you $50!" Shmuel and Moshe look at each other, amused by such mishegas, and plot that Moshe should go in, listen to their schtick, and then they can share the money. Shmuel waits for much longer than he expected, he is waiting outside for hours. At last, Moshe comes out and Shmuel says: "Finally! I at least hope you got the $50 after all that." Moshe says, "What *is* it about you people and money?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5isxik/two_old_jews_are_walking_down_the_street_and_see/
%
So the Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop

And he says "Can you make me one with everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iswor/so_the_dalai_lama_walks_into_a_pizza_shop/
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Premature ejaculation was the number one public health issue in the North Pole in 2016

Looks like Santa came early this year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5isvnp/premature_ejaculation_was_the_number_one_public/
%
The owner of the local pet store let me take a test fish home to see if I'd like one as a pet...

...It was a beta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5isurt/the_owner_of_the_local_pet_store_let_me_take_a/
%
Why is Santa always so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5istt7/why_is_santa_always_so_jolly/
%
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5isqsy/ever_since_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_a_lot_has/
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Whale Date

A boy whale musters up the courage to ask a girl whale out on a date one day.
"OK, what would you like to do?" the girl whale asks.
The boy whale responds "Well there's a tourist cruise ship nearby. I was thinking we could go give them a show."
"Oh that sounds lovely!" She responds. So they go to the cruise ship and put on a show for the passengers and splash them with their blowholes a bit. The passengers get wet, but they don't mind because they're finally seeing some whales.
When finished the girl whale says "Oh that was so much fun! What would you like to do now?"
The boy whale replies "Well, there's a fisherman boat nearby. I was thinking we could go capsize it and eat the crew"
The girl whale responds " Whoa whoa whoa! Now I went along for the blowjob, but I stop short of eating seamen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iskjx/whale_date/
%
Apparently 1 out of 3 people cheat in a relationship

I just don't know whether it's my wife, or girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5isjn8/apparently_1_out_of_3_people_cheat_in_a/
%
Who is second in command in the kitchen at a Native American owned restaurant?

The Sioux chef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5isiew/who_is_second_in_command_in_the_kitchen_at_a/
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[NSFW] Why does Santa have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5isghv/nsfw_why_does_santa_have_such_a_big_sack/
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I left my job. Couldn't work for my boss after what he said...

"You're fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ise39/i_left_my_job_couldnt_work_for_my_boss_after_what/
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The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad...

He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5isbyh/the_inmate_on_death_row_is_scheduled_to_be_put_to/
%
What do you need when you're constipated in math class?

Squeeze Theorem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5isant/what_do_you_need_when_youre_constipated_in_math/
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What did the O say to the Q?

"For God's sake, put on some pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5is9t1/what_did_the_o_say_to_the_q/
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What did one snail say to the other?

Nothing. They were both decoys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5is9qh/what_did_one_snail_say_to_the_other/
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Why did the student fail his physics test?

He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5is721/why_did_the_student_fail_his_physics_test/
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What do you call it when you use your debit card to pay to have sex with a MtF illegal immigrant

Paperless trans action

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5is5yk/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_use_your_debit_card/
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I used to work at an orange juice factory...

...I ended up getting fired because I couldn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5is5ya/i_used_to_work_at_an_orange_juice_factory/
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Jewish and black kid

A Jewish and black kid asked his teacher one day "am I more black or more Jewish?" The teacher didn't know how to answer, so he told the boy to ask his rabbi. So, the boy asks his rabbi "am I more Jewish or more black?" The rabbi told him to ask his mother. So the boy ran home and asked his mom "am I more Jewish or more black?" The mom tells him to go ask his father. So the boy goes to his dad and says "dad, my teacher told me to ask my rabbi who told me to ask my mom who told me to ask you, am I more Jewish or more black? I really have to know." The dad tells him "son, I'm black and your mom is Jewish, so you're equal halves. Why do you need to know so bad?" The boy replies, "there's a kid selling a bike down the street and I wanna know if I should haggle or just steal it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5is59l/jewish_and_black_kid/
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My grandma won the local grocery store's anual dance competition.

She didn't miss a beet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5is56e/my_grandma_won_the_local_grocery_stores_anual/
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Why did the man shut his donut shop?

Why did the man close his donut shop?
...because he was fed up with the hole business!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5is0r6/why_did_the_man_shut_his_donut_shop/
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Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

So men can be open minded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5is013/why_does_a_penis_have_a_hole_in_the_end/
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One day the triangle player of an orchestra gets very ill and goes to the hospital.

He spends the entire day practising despite his fever and all his constant sneezing and sniffling. The next day, he goes home to find his house surrounded by police cars.
He asks a police officer, "What happened?"
The officer replies, "Your conductor came by your house to talk to you while you were still at the hospital. He was really angry that you missed the rehearsal. When he got home and found that you weren't there he killed your entire family in anger."
The triangle player, stunned, looks deeply into the police officer's eyes and with a single tear running down his face, he asked the officer, "The conductor wanted to talk to me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5irx9f/one_day_the_triangle_player_of_an_orchestra_gets/
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I just saw two people having aggressive sex while camping.

They were fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5irtwt/i_just_saw_two_people_having_aggressive_sex_while/
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If I ever become a serial killer I am going to dispose of my victim's bodies by throwing them into a bottomless pit

It's a floorless plan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5irnbz/if_i_ever_become_a_serial_killer_i_am_going_to/
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Why do they call me the fireman?

Cause I turn on the hoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5irnao/why_do_they_call_me_the_fireman/
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Sunday afternoon quickie

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex."
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out... "How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5irl7w/sunday_afternoon_quickie/
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What do you call a group of Mexican racists?

The Que Que Que!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5irgp8/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_mexican_racists/
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Two Jews meet in a NY subway

A J**e**wish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the J**e**wish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5irepc/two_jews_meet_in_a_ny_subway/
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Finally found out why MTV doesn't do crossover episodes

The FCC had some serious problems with "Pimp my Pregnant 16 Year Old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ire1r/finally_found_out_why_mtv_doesnt_do_crossover/
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My friend and I opened a shared bank account for buying weed.

It'll be our joint account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5irbns/my_friend_and_i_opened_a_shared_bank_account_for/
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette walk into a bar.

They're all underage, and hence, they have fake ID's.  The bartender see them and knows they are underage, so he call the cops.  The redhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.
They run out the back door and see a barn.  Inside, the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.  She tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack.
The police then arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.  They go into the barn and look everywhere.
One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks".
He kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "Woof, woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.
He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow". "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.
Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5irbgy/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_walk_into_a_bar/
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A Texan walked into a bar...

The bartender asked, "You got any ID?"
The Texan said, "'bout what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ir9vh/a_texan_walked_into_a_bar/
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America sure is having some bad luck

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ir7ue/america_sure_is_having_some_bad_luck/
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Why couldn't the accountant keep his car in working order?

Because it broke down and he couldn't budget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ir3sz/why_couldnt_the_accountant_keep_his_car_in/
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When does a pentagon have 4 sides

When intersected by a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ir2h8/when_does_a_pentagon_have_4_sides/
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What did the Nazi officer say when he was captured?

It's not me; it's Jew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ir224/what_did_the_nazi_officer_say_when_he_was_captured/
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There aws a blond sitting next to a man on an airplane

About 1 hr. into the flight the pilot
comes on and says over the intercom, "One of our
four engines is out, we will be about fifteen
minutes late arriving."
About 30 min. later the pilot comes on the
intercom again and say "There is a second
engine out, we will be about 30 min. late."
Fifteen minutes after that the pilot comes on
again and says "I'm sorry to say that there is
a third engine out, we'll be about 1 hr. late
arriving at our destination."
The blond turns to the man and says "Man if that
forth engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqzrj/there_aws_a_blond_sitting_next_to_a_man_on_an/
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If George Washington were alive today...

he'd be clawing at the inside of his coffin and screaming incoherently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqwx3/if_george_washington_were_alive_today/
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The indecisive rower...

...couldn't choose either oar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqu0d/the_indecisive_rower/
%
A man is waiting on the bus...

"Would you mind coming down?" The driver asked politely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqtza/a_man_is_waiting_on_the_bus/
%
Have you ever tried North Korean food?

[Neither have they](#s)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqqfp/have_you_ever_tried_north_korean_food/
%
Wife Wanted

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified section of the newspaper: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqpqm/wife_wanted/
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I was going to make a pun about flexibility

I decided not to because it was too much of a stretch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqmxw/i_was_going_to_make_a_pun_about_flexibility/
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The Deaf Collector

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf man signed back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!" The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man signs, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqibx/the_deaf_collector/
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Shout out to my arms

They're always by my side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqi1d/shout_out_to_my_arms/
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went to the same bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqh94/went_to_the_same_bar_last_night_and_saw_a_big/
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NSFW Sex joke: New sex position called the bull rider.

Ride a girl doggy style, grab her hair, and whisper in her ear "I have aids".
See how long you can last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqh1c/nsfw_sex_joke_new_sex_position_called_the_bull/
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I wrote a poem about communism for my English class

I had to share it with everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqg8e/i_wrote_a_poem_about_communism_for_my_english/
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One day Facebook, YouTube and Twitter will merge.

It will be called YouTwitFace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqfe8/one_day_facebook_youtube_and_twitter_will_merge/
%
What do you call twin policemen?

Copies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqfdn/what_do_you_call_twin_policemen/
%
What do you call a child that's good at digging?

A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iqbqi/what_do_you_call_a_child_thats_good_at_digging/
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Trinity: "I really can't stay." Neo:

"Baby it's code outside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iq96f/trinity_i_really_cant_stay_neo/
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Three engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God is.

Electrical engineer: "surely God is an electrical engineer, the brain and nerves are a symphony of exquisite circuitry."
Mechanical engineer: "no, look at the ballet between bone, muscle and sinew. God must be a mechanical engineer."
Civil engineer: "God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipe right through a recreational area."
*(the joke is by Robin Williams, I think)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iq87l/three_engineers_were_arguing_about_what_kind_of/
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Psychic in a clothes shop

Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: Nah, its too small
Employee:But you haven't even tried it on.
Psychic: I'm a medium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iq5kn/psychic_in_a_clothes_shop/
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A man had a problem...he was a virgin because he had a 25 inch penis...

After seeking consults from all the Doctors in his town and being told no one could help him, the man sulks and starts walking home. A homeless man sitting on the sidewalk noticed his forlorn appearance and asked him what was wrong.
"I have a 25 inch penis and none of the Doctors in town are able to help me reduce it."
"I know someone who can," replied the old man. "See, I was once in your shoes and had a 25 inch penis. Doctors couldn't help me either. Then one day as I sat at the lake pondering suicide, a frog hopped up on a lily pad and told me that if I asked him to marry me, that 5 inches would disappear from my penis. I know, it sounds absurd. But damn if it didn't work. You should go see him."
So the man goes to the local lake and sure enough finds the frog sitting on a lily pad. 'Here goes nothing...'
"Frog...will you marry me?"
"No," said the frog.
POOF!! 5 inches disappeared from his penis.
"WOW! It actually works! Frog....will you marry me?"
"No," replied the frog.
POOF!! Another 5 inches disappears. The man now has a 15 inch penis and thought that if he could just lose 5 more inches, he might just be able to take a woman to bed or even star in a porn flick. "I'll ask just one more time and walk away happy with a 10 inch penis."
So he asked the frog one more time. "Frog...will you marry me?"
"How many times do I have to tell you??? NO, NO, NO!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iq556/a_man_had_a_problemhe_was_a_virgin_because_he_had/
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I must have a great body...

Everyone keeps saying "What an ass" as soon as I walk away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iq1vq/i_must_have_a_great_body/
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A homicidal rapist is holding hands with a little girl.

They are walking through a dense and eerie forest at night. Sounds of owls, wolves and other animals echos around. "This place is really scary sir" says the girl. The man looks around. The sound of wolves send chills down he's spine. He looks at the girl and says: "Yeah. Imagine me that I have to return by myself".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipxhq/a_homicidal_rapist_is_holding_hands_with_a_little/
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What do you call a horny square?

Erectangle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipupd/what_do_you_call_a_horny_square/
%
General Washington and his men are trekking through the forest after a long fight with the British

It is frigid out and there is a snow storm raging. They begin looking for shelter, and eventually find a farm. They knock on the farmhouse door and the farmer answers. Washington speaks up. "Excuse me sir, I'm General Washington of the Continental Army. My men and I are cold, wet, and tired from fighting the British. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer looks around. "How many you got?" "50" is Washington's reply. "I've only got room for one in my house. You could all go into the barn, but it's just as cold in there." Washington thinks for a minute. "Alright, sergeant Dix, you fought well in the battle. You can go inside. The rest of us will go on looking for another warm place for the night." So Sergeant Dix heads into the house, and Washington and the other 49 continue to walk through the forest.
They eventually come upon what appears to be a brothel. Washington knocks on the door, and the owner of the brothel answers. He gives the same explanation that he gave to the farmer. Seeing all the men, she is excited for an opportunity to make some money and have some "fun" with these strong young men. It had been quite some time since the girls there had had any business. She slips inside and informs the girls that they are about to have a lot of young soldiers in there for some fun. The girls are excited. "It's been so long since we've had sex with men, I can't wait!" One shouts.
The owner slips back out the front door as the girls freshen up to look pretty for their night of passionate romance. "How many of you are there?" she asks.
Washington replies "49, without Dix." The owner puts her hand over her eyes. "You gotta be kidding me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipu8w/general_washington_and_his_men_are_trekking/
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I was watching a movie with my son earlier.

Gripping my hand he said: "Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?".
"Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iptr4/i_was_watching_a_movie_with_my_son_earlier/
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and asks for a drink.

A time traveller walks into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iptcw/and_asks_for_a_drink/
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A doctor went to a village inhabited by only men.

A young doctor went to an isolated village to provide medical assistance to its villagers which were composed only by men. One day the people tolled the doctor that if he ever felt the need for sexual relief that he'd need to go and stand in-line near the river and wait he's turn.
The next day the doctor agrees and goes there. Upon arrival the villagers let the doc go first while everybody cheered for him: "Go doc" "Put that snake to sleep" "Good luck". The doctor notices a donkey in front of him. He's urge was so strong that he did not wait for any indication and began to fuck the donkey. Everybody looked in awe as the doctor porn-fucked the shit out of the donkey.
Doctor, feeling all relived now. A villager walks to him, puts his hand on his shoulder and says:
Hey doc, the donkey is our means to cross the river. The women are on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipt3c/a_doctor_went_to_a_village_inhabited_by_only_men/
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I'm so homophobic,

I eat my hotdogs sideways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipsba/im_so_homophobic/
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My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iprxv/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
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How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ippkd/how_can_you_tell_if_your_wife_is_dead/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ippif/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_killer/
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I dislike elevators so much...

that I've started taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipp29/i_dislike_elevators_so_much/
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Can your dick reach (original version]

I am sick of seeing this joke mangled into the nonsense form that is always posted here, so for future reference this is how it goes:
---------------------------------
A five-year-old boy goes up to his grandpa and asks "Can I have a dollar to buy some candy?" The grandpa replies "Can your dick reach your asshole?" The boy checks and says no, and the grandpa gives him a dollar.
When the boy is ten, he comes to grandpa again. "Can I have five dollars for the ice cream truck?" Grandpa asks "Can your dick reach your asshole?" The boy says no, and grandpa grumbles and takes out five dollars.
When he is fifteen, he goes to grandpa again. "Grandpa, I have a hot date tonight. Can I have twenty dollars for movie tickets?" Grandpa asks "Can your dick reach your asshole?" The boy proudly answers "Yes it can!"
"Then go fuck yourself. Get a job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipnn9/can_your_dick_reach_original_version/
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The Devil gives three men a chance to get into Heaven

Three men die and get sent straight to the Gates of Hell where they meet the Devil who tells them that if they can answer his question correctly, they can go to Heaven.
The Devil grabs a chair and stabs five holes into it, sits on the chair and farts.
Devil: If you can tell me which hole my fart came out of, I will let you leave Hell and enter Heaven.
Man 1: I'm a scientists, and since you were sitting normally on the chair, your fart would have come out of the hole in the middle.
Devil: No!
The Devil tosses him past the gates and into Hell.
Man 2: I'm an engineer, and I noticed you leaned to the left, so your fart definitely came out of the hole on the right.
Devil: No!
The engineer suffers the same fate as the scientist.
The Devil looks at the last man and grins as he knows just by this man's appearance that he too would be banished to the depths of Hell.
Man 3: I didn't do well in school and I was homeless for that reason, but why wasn't it obvious to those two that your fart came out of your butthole?
The Devil, annoyed that his trick has finally been solved after many millennia, begrudgingly sends him the the Pearly Gates with the wave of a hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipndk/the_devil_gives_three_men_a_chance_to_get_into/
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A genie and an idiot

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipl83/a_genie_and_an_idiot/
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If I got 1$ for every failed math exam...

I’d have $ 10.30 now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipgpl/if_i_got_1_for_every_failed_math_exam/
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How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders on the dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipdug/how_did_they_know_princess_diana_had_dandruff/
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Rob Lowe, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Robert Downey Jr. Walk up to the bar at the Governors Ball....

The bartender looks at Sarah Jessica Parker and says "Why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipd9w/rob_lowe_sarah_jessica_parker_and_robert_downey/
%
Why don't the jedi drink vodka?

Because only the Sith deal in absolut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipcfb/why_dont_the_jedi_drink_vodka/
%
If there are 2 things I hate they're...

Incomplete lists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipcbi/if_there_are_2_things_i_hate_theyre/
%
What is iron man without his suit?

Stark naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ipa7o/what_is_iron_man_without_his_suit/
%
A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ip7po/a_german_an_american_and_a_russian_walk_into_a_bar/
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Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...

not Yeti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ip61h/scientists_believe_that_one_day_we_will_find/
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What's a scientist's favorite gum flavor?

.......Ex-*spearmint*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ip4zt/whats_a_scientists_favorite_gum_flavor/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands on a wooden box and calls out "Can you all see me, now?"
The Englishman says "Yes."
The Frenchman says "Oui."
The Spaniard says "Si."
The German says "Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ip0nu/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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Some insensitive dolt scribbled "Retard" with a sharpie all over my windows

Took me hours to lick it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ip0kk/some_insensitive_dolt_scribbled_retard_with_a/
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My mate's gambling is getting out of hand.

He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker.
I thought, "I might have to raise him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ioyvb/my_mates_gambling_is_getting_out_of_hand/
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Went to a nude beach today and let me tell you- I had a lot of women’s attention.

I could just feel them dressing me with their eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iowom/went_to_a_nude_beach_today_and_let_me_tell_you_i/
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A Jewish Boy Asks His Dad For $20

Surprised the dad says, "$10 dollars?! What the hell do you need $5 dollars for?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iowet/a_jewish_boy_asks_his_dad_for_20/
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I got lost in a corn field.

It was quite a maize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iowbh/i_got_lost_in_a_corn_field/
%
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten-tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iosbq/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_squid/
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If Russia tried to take Turkey from behind...

... do you think Greece would help ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iorhy/if_russia_tried_to_take_turkey_from_behind/
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An 80-year-old Texas farmer

goes to the clinic in Dallas for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I’m from Texas, and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish”, says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I’m not doing that, I’m out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.”
“Well”, says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?”
“Who said my father’s dead?”
The doctor is amazed, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive? How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old”, says the old Texas boy. “In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning. Then we went to the bar for a while and had some beers. That’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Texas farmer. And he’s a hunter and fisherman, too.”
“Well”, the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my grandpa’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?”
“He’s 118 years old”, says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?”
“No, Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it, “Getting married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ior7w/an_80yearold_texas_farmer/
%
Jack tells his doctor that he can no longer sustain an erection.

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "The problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment. We would take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
The thought of going through life without ever having sex again was too much for Jack, so he agreed to try the treatment.
A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to try out his new equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
During dinner he felt a pain building in his groin. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang from his fly, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
''I can try," groaned Jack, "but I don't think my ass can take another roll."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iolyw/jack_tells_his_doctor_that_he_can_no_longer/
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What happens when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

You get a frostbite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iolk6/what_happens_when_you_cross_a_snowman_and_a/
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The Magic Ring

Once there was this man who had an extremely small penis and was forever unhappy about what he had been born with. One day he was walking through town when he came upon a small store that said True Magic and Wishes. Looking like a rather strange and interesting shop the man entered the store and walked up to the shopkeeper behind the counter.
"What do you mean by your sign, true magic and wishes?" he asked curiously.
"Well you see young man, we have many things that can make all your dreams come true in a single wish or spell," the shopkeeper said. "Do you have something that you always wished for?" she asked the man.
Looking abit embaressed ,the man finally said "Yes, but you cant laugh, ok? My penis is very small and i wish it to be very big, can you help me?" The man asked.
The shopkeeper smiled "Dont be saddened by this for i have just the thing for you". The man watched the shopkeeper open a drawer underneath the counter and pull out a strange leather case, opening the case it contained a gold ring with a mysterious red stone set in it. "This will help you, but there will be a price" The shopkeeper said. The man thought about this and if he was to have a big penis he would pay anything to have it. So after settling a price that made both parties satisfied the shopkeeper told him how to use the ring.
"It works quite simple, all you need to do is wear it like a normal ring and bump into people and let them apologise, once this happens your penis will grow a few inches each time it happens" the shopkeeper said.
The man thanked the shopkeeper and as soon as he was out of the store and on the street he couldnt wait to try it. Slipping the ring on his finger he found that a little old lady was walking his way and he purposely bumped into her and she apologised. Slowly he felt something strange happen to his penis and sure enough he felt it grow a few inches in his pants.
I cant beleive it, it works like a charm, the man thought. Next he bumped into a young man walking his dog and sure enough the young man apogised and again he felt his penis grow a little more, the man was over the moon. The man then saw an old indian man also walking his way and again bumped into him.
The old indian man looked up at the man who had bumped into him and placed his hand upon his shoulder in gester and said. "A thousand apologies my good man"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iohb1/the_magic_ring/
%
A man walks into a bar, and noticed a couple T-bones nailed to the ceiling.

He asks the bartender what they're for.
Bartender tells him it's a challenge. If you can jump and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the night.  If you miss, you buy everyone's drinks for an hour.
The man shakes his head and says.  "I'm gonna pass.  The steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iogw7/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_noticed_a_couple/
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We have a strange custom in our office...

The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ioctf/we_have_a_strange_custom_in_our_office/
%
I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity

I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ioap2/ive_decided_to_run_a_marathon_for_charity/
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Cop: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer. It's 'Hi, how are you?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ioa5l/cop_how_high_are_you/
%
$100 BILL TATTOO

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5io66t/100_bill_tattoo/
%
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?

There was no chemistry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5io60e/why_did_the_physics_teacher_break_up_with_the/
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I slipped on some black ice yesterday.

At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5io4pg/i_slipped_on_some_black_ice_yesterday/
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Did you hear about the battery who deserted his unit in battle?

He was dishonorably discharged.
I'll show myself out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5io3ox/did_you_hear_about_the_battery_who_deserted_his/
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A hundred years ago it was proposed that the quickest way to a woman's heart is through the subconscious.

The chief proponent of this theory was Sigmund Freud.
Later the theory was refined and it was found that the best way is actually through the collective unconscious.
This work was mostly done by Freud's disciple, Carl Jung.
However, quite recently a radical discovery was made that the true way to a woman's heart is through unconsciousness.
The pioneer who made the discovery is Bill Cosby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5io1u0/a_hundred_years_ago_it_was_proposed_that_the/
%
If Dairy Queen and Burger King had a baby, what do you call it?

Restaurants can't have sex you moron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5io00t/if_dairy_queen_and_burger_king_had_a_baby_what_do/
%
What's the rudest kind of elf?

A go fuck yours-elf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inz6h/whats_the_rudest_kind_of_elf/
%
Only one more sleep to go

before I lose my job as a night security guard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inyoy/only_one_more_sleep_to_go/
%
I heard women love a man in uniform..

Can’t wait to start working at McDonalds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inyd8/i_heard_women_love_a_man_in_uniform/
%
When is being an "Alpha" not a good thing in the dating world?

When you are a type of radiation. No one wants someone who can't penetrate well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inxsv/when_is_being_an_alpha_not_a_good_thing_in_the/
%
So doctor, do I have rabies?

Doc: Short answer. Yes.
Patient: What's the long answer?
Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5invbi/so_doctor_do_i_have_rabies/
%
Why do they bury police officers 6ft under.

Because deep down they are good people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inui3/why_do_they_bury_police_officers_6ft_under/
%
A bunch of Hollywood celebrities formed two baseball teams...

...to raise money for a charity.
The day of the match arrived and everyone was ready. The celebrities were dressed in their outfits, some practising their throws and catches, others practising their swing. Russell Crowe was selected to umpire.
The match started, and the two teams, "The Beverly Hills Bosses" and "The Hollywood Hustlers" went to play. The match was going great, with both teams outperforming expectations and making high run totals, and fans of both teams wildly cheering, even more so as the actors occasionally threw their hats into the crowd.
The match was close. The Hollywood Hustlers were one run behind The Beverly Hills Bosses, and Mark Wahlberg was playing. One more strike and they would lose. Of course, even though this was a charity match it was an intense moment for Marky Mark, who was this close to making or breaking it for his team. He didn't want to disappoint. He took a deep breath. Matt Damon threw the ball. Ready with his bat, Mark was ready to swing. He sensed something weird and looked back for a split second, but this cost him: he missed the ball. "STRIKE THREE!" yelled Russell Crowe.
Wahlberg was furious. He went up to Crowe and complained, and the conversation soon got into a loud argument. Others around them were soon approaching them to break it up. Wahlberg even threw a few punches at Crowe, not willing to accept this decision. A hurt Crowe, now on the ground, snapped, got up and threw a Falcon Punch at Wahlberg, knocking him down with a single blow like Rocky Balboa did to Apollo Creed. The crowd went insane.
The next day, the headline read "Star Wars: The Umpire Strikes Back!"
^(*For more long buildups leading to terrible puns, visit r/feghoot*)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inthh/a_bunch_of_hollywood_celebrities_formed_two/
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Cannibalism is a real thrill

Nail-biting from start to finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5insqc/cannibalism_is_a_real_thrill/
%
I love campfire smoke so much ...

it brings tears to my eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inrig/i_love_campfire_smoke_so_much/
%
Adam and God discus women

Adam says to God, “God, why did you make women so soft?” God says, "So that you will like them.” Adam says, "God, why did you make women so warm and cuddly?” God says, “So that you will like them. "Adam says to God, “But, God, why did you make them so stupid?” God says, “So that they will like you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inpyw/adam_and_god_discus_women/
%
When I was a kid I wanted to stop riding horses and start playing baseball, but my dad wouldn't let me.

I had too many foals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inpeu/when_i_was_a_kid_i_wanted_to_stop_riding_horses/
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A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo...

To help him, he hired a Native American scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
The scout replies, "Ear sticky".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inoao/a_soldier_was_given_the_job_of_hunting_for_buffalo/
%
A man walks into a bar

After a few hours he gets so drunk that he throws up on his own shirt. He walks up to the bartender and says, "My wife is going to be so pissed that I threw up on myself again." The bartender then says, "Dont worry, take ten dollars and put it in your pocket. When you get home tell her that some drunk threw up on you and gave you ten dollars to get your shirt dry cleaned." Later on that night the man goes home and says to his wife, "Honey, some drunk threw up on my shirt and he gave ten dollars to get my shirt dry cleaned." He then hands her the bill. She looks at it and says, "This is a twenty dollar bill!" The man then says, "Oh yeah he shit in my pants too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inlkp/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Girl finds out that she's pregnant...

And goes to tell her mum about it.  Her mum asks; "Have you had a check-up?"
Girl says; "No, he was Polish"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inl7y/girl_finds_out_that_shes_pregnant/
%
A man on crutches walks into his local Ice-Cream shop..

He asks the lady behind the desk for a Knickerbocker Glory.
She says; "Crushed nuts?"
He says; "No, a sprained ankle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inl3j/a_man_on_crutches_walks_into_his_local_icecream/
%
Whats black and stuck to the ceiling?

A bad electrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5injwh/whats_black_and_stuck_to_the_ceiling/
%
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven

I guess I should have put it on aloha setting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5injjz/i_just_burned_my_hawaiian_pizza_in_the_oven/
%
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5injad/wife_texts_husband_on_a_cold_winter_morning/
%
The programmer's wife tells her husband:

"Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inih0/the_programmers_wife_tells_her_husband/
%
I wonder what it's like to have sex in zero gravity...

Or even in regular gravity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inifo/i_wonder_what_its_like_to_have_sex_in_zero_gravity/
%
What sound does a Gordonramseysaurus make?

ITS RAWR!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5infql/what_sound_does_a_gordonramseysaurus_make/
%
I think that laziest animals must be the animals in the seas.

There is Sawshark, Hammerheadshark, Electric eel. Still not a single one house completed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5infj6/i_think_that_laziest_animals_must_be_the_animals/
%
2 out of 15

MY friend Sophie said to me recently:
"Did you know 2 out of 15 families live next door to a paedophile?"
I replied in shock:
"oh that's actually quite worrying... That isn't the case with me though; I live next to two smoking hot 10 year old's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5indm0/2_out_of_15/
%
I lost my watch

at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inbsw/i_lost_my_watch/
%
I can't call people Grammar Nazis on social media anymore....

Now I call them the Alt-Write.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inbej/i_cant_call_people_grammar_nazis_on_social_media/
%
The student asked his sensei: "Why do you fight using only your feet?"

Oh, y'know. For kicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inavy/the_student_asked_his_sensei_why_do_you_fight/
%
Through jelqing, I managed to make my penis

...red... Cool... I have a red dick. Thanks, internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5inan4/through_jelqing_i_managed_to_make_my_penis/
%
Dave and his bitch.

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin ?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5in9aw/dave_and_his_bitch/
%
Why are men better cooks?

They only need 2 eggs n 1 sausage to keep a girl full for 9 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5in8vh/why_are_men_better_cooks/
%
Three friends in a bar

One of them says to the other two, "Yesterday I rubbed oil all over my wife's body and then made her scream for 15 mins. She loved it"
The second one says, "That's nothing. Once I rubbed butter all over my wife and made her scream for 30 mins."
The third guy says, "That's nothing. Once I rubbed chicken fat all over my wife and made her scream for 6 hours."
The other two guys can't believe it. They ask him how he managed to pull that off.
He says, "I wiped my hands on the bed sheet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5in7wi/three_friends_in_a_bar/
%
I've had enough of Christmas!

All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids asked for, and what happens on Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it.
Still, I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5in7i6/ive_had_enough_of_christmas/
%
How do you call a sex doll when you can see the whites of its eyes?

Full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5in756/how_do_you_call_a_sex_doll_when_you_can_see_the/
%
Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Xmas.

The front says "I will do anything for love"
On the rear it says "but I won't do that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5in6ct/bought_the_wife_some_meatloaf_knickers_for_xmas/
%
Why does Eric Clapton prefer OSX?

...he was never a fan of having Windows open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5in3ag/why_does_eric_clapton_prefer_osx/
%
You can't keep two ducks alone together

It's a paradox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5in32l/you_cant_keep_two_ducks_alone_together/
%
You want to know what marriage is like?

Think of a prison...
Now don't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5in1fg/you_want_to_know_what_marriage_is_like/
%
Why can't you trust atoms?

Because they make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5in0qq/why_cant_you_trust_atoms/
%
The Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imzeq/the_halloween_party/
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Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant.

Ten minutes into the meal, Luke’s still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, “Use the forks, Luke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imz3f/luke_and_obiwan_walk_into_a_chinese_restaurant/
%
What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imxbk/what_do_you_call_immigrants_to_sweden/
%
Why doesn't one argue with π?

Because π is purely irrational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imwah/why_doesnt_one_argue_with_π/
%
Wife is in hospital with unknown condition

So she asks her husband to go to her doctor and find out how bad is it.
'Well,  her condition is very strange. Basically, you'll have to have sex with her at least once a day or she will die' doctor sais.
Husband nods and goes back to his wife.
'Honey,  what did the doctor say? ' wife is anxious to find out.
'He said you're going to die soon'...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imvz7/wife_is_in_hospital_with_unknown_condition/
%
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imvye/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_to_israel_to_live/
%
I like my woman like I like this joke.

Overused and overrated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imvni/i_like_my_woman_like_i_like_this_joke/
%
There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors.

Push and pull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imv4o/there_are_two_words_in_life_that_will_open_a_lot/
%
What is the German word for Constipation?

Farfrompoopen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imu6m/what_is_the_german_word_for_constipation/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out hunting some rocks

Sherlock picks up a rock, admiring it. Watson asks, "What kind of rock is that? Igneous?"
Sherlock replies, "Sedimentary, my dear Watson. Sedimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imrz0/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_are_out_hunting_some/
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How are women and a modern computer similar?

Neither can do anything with a three and a half inch floppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imq0v/how_are_women_and_a_modern_computer_similar/
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How can you tell that your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imk58/how_can_you_tell_that_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
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What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill?

Running.
Jk. Rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imjb9/what_is_harry_potters_favorite_way_to_get_down_a/
%
There once was a small little family of pigs.

A momma pig, a daddy pig, and their son.
One day the son got really sick and the momma pig took him to the doctor. The doctor ran tests on the little pig and reluctantly told the momma pig the bad news.
"I'm sorry ma'am but your son is very sick and he will be dead within a week."
Devastated, the momma pig tells the doctor to please do all he can to save her son.
The doctor reassures her that he will do all within his power to help her son, but he has to stay the night at the hospital.
The next day the momma pig returns to the hospital to check on her son, and finds him dead on his bed covered in salt.
"What did you do!?" She screamed at the doctor.
"Ma'am I did what you asked me to. You're son has been cured! "
----------------------
Be gentle. It's my first time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imizq/there_once_was_a_small_little_family_of_pigs/
%
A man walks into a graveyard..

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker.
“It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imik1/a_man_walks_into_a_graveyard/
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The blonde tip-toed near the medicine cabinet so that she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

This is not a joke, ambien serious!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imexs/the_blonde_tiptoed_near_the_medicine_cabinet_so/
%
A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families...

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."
"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."
"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5imaut/a_catholic_a_baptist_and_a_mormon_are_bragging/
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A programmer is heading out to the grocery store.

His wife tells him "get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." He returns with 13 gallons of milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5im8s2/a_programmer_is_heading_out_to_the_grocery_store/
%
Butt sex is a lot like spinach

If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5im7qc/butt_sex_is_a_lot_like_spinach/
%
Steve Irwin died the same way he lived...

With animals in his heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5im78g/steve_irwin_died_the_same_way_he_lived/
%
A blonde walks into a bar yelling, "65 days!"

A guy asks her, "What's in 65 days?"
The blonde replies, "I completed the puzzle in 65 days! The box said 2 to 4 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5im1ep/a_blonde_walks_into_a_bar_yelling_65_days/
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When I was a young boy,

My grandmother walked into my bedroom and caught me playing with myself. She smacked me and said "Shame on you! Save that for when  you're 21!"
By the time I turned 21, I had sixteen jars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ilsyh/when_i_was_a_young_boy/
%
What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ilqlz/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
I asked my aunt how much a couple is, she said two or three

Maybe that's why her relationships don't work out so well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ilpik/i_asked_my_aunt_how_much_a_couple_is_she_said_two/
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What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?...

......Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ilog7/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
Who is Jay Gatsby's favorite superhero?

Green Lantern.
And his least favorite?
Deadpool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ilnyu/who_is_jay_gatsbys_favorite_superhero/
%
I like my men like I like my coffee

Silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ilhim/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
I thought the thieves stealing my dinner was bad

But this one takes the cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ilfpp/i_thought_the_thieves_stealing_my_dinner_was_bad/
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I like my dicks like I like my "I like my women like I like my coffee..." jokes

I'll take one every few months if I have to, but it'd be nice if there weren't so many people constantly trying to cram their shitty ones down my throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ile6z/i_like_my_dicks_like_i_like_my_i_like_my_women/
%
Pravanth the Indian wife-beater punches his wife every night at 7 PM

On the dot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ila63/pravanth_the_indian_wifebeater_punches_his_wife/
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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra...

The police are on the lookout for two hardened criminals...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ila0p/two_men_broke_into_a_drugstore_and_stole_all_the/
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What do you call a person with micropenis and erectile dysfunction?

Microsoft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5il977/what_do_you_call_a_person_with_micropenis_and/
%
What do you call a nap in computer science class?

A CS-ta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5il482/what_do_you_call_a_nap_in_computer_science_class/
%
I like my women like I like my tv's.

Japanese and mounted to the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5il3a4/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_tvs/
%
What does NASA do before every mission?

Planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5il2rj/what_does_nasa_do_before_every_mission/
%
Why don't you buy sunscreen from Steve Irwin?

Because it doesn't protect you from harmful rays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iky6j/why_dont_you_buy_sunscreen_from_steve_irwin/
%
Some say putting helium in animals is wrong.

I say whatever floats your goat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikwsp/some_say_putting_helium_in_animals_is_wrong/
%
I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family

My wife freaked the fuck out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikwb5/i_brought_my_girlfriend_home_to_meet_my_family/
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I like my coffee like I like my presidents.

Not orange

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikv56/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_presidents/
%
"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee thanks, Grandpa."
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikru5/son_i_found_a_condom_in_your_room/
%
If attacked by a mob of clowns...

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikr0r/if_attacked_by_a_mob_of_clowns/
%
What did the cave woman use as a dildo?

A fucking rock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikq2o/what_did_the_cave_woman_use_as_a_dildo/
%
Wanna hear a joke about sodium?

Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikq2j/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
My iPhone is just like me

Dies at 40%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikot4/my_iphone_is_just_like_me/
%
What do two rednecks say to each other after a break up?

Let's go back to being cousins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iknye/what_do_two_rednecks_say_to_each_other_after_a/
%
One day sister told me she has a crush on Amy Poehler

I think she might be bi-Poehler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikndp/one_day_sister_told_me_she_has_a_crush_on_amy/
%
Four naked guys are sitting in a hot tub.

All of a sudden, a condom floats to the surface. After a few seconds of stares and silence, one of the guys asks, "Alright, who farted?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iknc0/four_naked_guys_are_sitting_in_a_hot_tub/
%
Why doesn't Santa have kids?

Because he only comes once a year and it's down a chimney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikn3x/why_doesnt_santa_have_kids/
%
My first time having sex was a lot like my first high-school football game.

I was bruised and bloody in the end but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikmp6/my_first_time_having_sex_was_a_lot_like_my_first/
%
I woke up this morning and saw that all my girlfriend's stuff was gone.

I walked into the kitchen, where I saw a note on the table. It read, "When you find out what you want, let me know."
I phoned her up and said, "I want pizza."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikmng/i_woke_up_this_morning_and_saw_that_all_my/
%
I've decided to delete my Twitter.

I keep feeling that people are following me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikkln/ive_decided_to_delete_my_twitter/
%
What do Donald Trump and JFK have in common?

Nothing..
Yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikk5u/what_do_donald_trump_and_jfk_have_in_common/
%
Bought my girlfriend a dildo and a t-shirt for christmas.

That way if she doesn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikje0/bought_my_girlfriend_a_dildo_and_a_tshirt_for/
%
I started working for a company that made hinges

It really opened a lot of doors for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikixj/i_started_working_for_a_company_that_made_hinges/
%
Why is Santa always so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikhck/why_is_santa_always_so_jolly/
%
People think I'm an idiot because I really enjoy getting strangled.

But, really, it's quite breathtaking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikes5/people_think_im_an_idiot_because_i_really_enjoy/
%
My wife made me go to the doctor for erection problems.

I came back with a bottle of pills. She said "Well?", obviously wanting the full details, but I just handed her the bottle.
She then asked "Are these Viagra, for you to take?". I said "No, these are diet pills, for you to take.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikelv/my_wife_made_me_go_to_the_doctor_for_erection/
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What do a priest and an Olympic silver medalist have in common?

The both came in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikejr/what_do_a_priest_and_an_olympic_silver_medalist/
%
How do Jedi close programs

force quit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikeel/how_do_jedi_close_programs/
%
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikdnm/ill_do_algebra_ill_do_trigonometry_ill_even_do/
%
If Jesus appears to you...

Ask him to bevel-cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn't know what you mean, that's an imposter Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikd2o/if_jesus_appears_to_you/
%
My boss said to me. "You're the worst train driver. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said " im not sure, its hard to keep track"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikd0e/my_boss_said_to_me_youre_the_worst_train_driver/
%
Did you hear the one about the guy with two wooden legs?

They caught fire and he burnt to the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikc3m/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_guy_with_two/
%
I have the body of a god

Shame it's Buddha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikc39/i_have_the_body_of_a_god/
%
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That’s 7 years in a row now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikbz4/i_cant_believe_i_forgot_to_go_to_the_gym_today/
%
Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikasu/chinese_takeout_1500_gas_to_get_there_150_getting/
%
A car made of French bread just raced past me.

It was a Baguetti Veyron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ikar9/a_car_made_of_french_bread_just_raced_past_me/
%
What do you call a blind German?

A Not-See

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ik9cn/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
%
Never try to annoy someone with bird puns

Because toucan play at that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ik8v7/never_try_to_annoy_someone_with_bird_puns/
%
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says...

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ik75j/two_police_officers_crash_their_car_into_a_tree/
%
I have had it with those types of people who knock on your door proclaiming to be your saviour and that if you don't act now, you will burn

Fucking firemen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ik6j9/i_have_had_it_with_those_types_of_people_who/
%
TIL that someone in the UK gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ik19x/til_that_someone_in_the_uk_gets_stabbed_every_52/
%
My front door was locked so I tried to force it open.

Then my wife said "You're not a Jedi Paul, just use the goddamn key."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ik0ul/my_front_door_was_locked_so_i_tried_to_force_it/
%
I took a dirt road to avoid a weigh station last week.

I drove my rig up a hill and around a sharp curve. As I started down a steep hill, I saw an old man and a young girl screwing in the middle of the dirt road.
I came to a screeching halt within inches of the old man's ass. I got out of my rig to see if they were OK, and ask why they didn't move out of the way when they heard me coming.
The old man looked up at me with his sweaty old face and said, "It's like this - she was cumming, I was cumming, and you was coming. You were the only one who had brakes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ik00o/i_took_a_dirt_road_to_avoid_a_weigh_station_last/
%
A man in a cemetery sees a couple laughing over the tomb of a famous boxer

A bit taken back by the inappropriateness, the man approaches the couple who point to the boxer's epitaph:
"You can stop counting, I'm not getting up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ijzxe/a_man_in_a_cemetery_sees_a_couple_laughing_over/
%
Why do black guys only have nightmares?

Because we killed the only one that had a dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ijz8c/why_do_black_guys_only_have_nightmares/
%
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl with one hand.

It's 42.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ijx63/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_to/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

From that cheap place down on the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ijuyd/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.
Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"
So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.
Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, looks like you cheated on your wife TWICE! You are going to drive around heaven in an Accord!"
He gets into his car and drives through the gates.
Peter calls the third man up and says, "You cheated on your wife FIVE TIMES. You are going to be driving around in a ford pinto!"
But, when the third man drives through the gates, he sees the person in the Ferrari on the side of the rode and he's crying.
The man asks, "Why are you crying??? You got the nicest car out of all of us!!"
He replies, "I just saw my wife ride by on a skateboard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ijugc/3_men_are_in_line_to_get_into_heaven/
%
A girl takes a black guy home...

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys?"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ijt8z/a_girl_takes_a_black_guy_home/
%
So these two bats were hanging out in a cave

They were just chillin' when both of them saw this object off in the distance approach at frightening speed. Immediately, one of the bats knew what to do. He swung into action! As the object approached, he stiffened up, went completely rigid, and as the object came within range, he swung his body with all his might and knocked the object clear out of the sky. Astounded, the other bat said, "Wow, how did you do that? What are you?"
The brave bat said coolly, "I've always known I was different. I am....a Baseball Bat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ijt8g/so_these_two_bats_were_hanging_out_in_a_cave/
%
How do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, it's not going to come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ijp4y/how_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
I thought my golf joke was pretty lame,

but everyone kept assuring me that it was subpar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ijlan/i_thought_my_golf_joke_was_pretty_lame/
%
I freaked out my mailman today

when I came to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what shocked him more, my naked body, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ijkj1/i_freaked_out_my_mailman_today/
%
I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an on-line dating website.

That lying bitch isn't, "Fun to be around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ijjc6/i_was_furious_when_i_found_my_wifes_profile_on_an/
%
If Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus was written today...

The solar system would need more planets for the title.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ijfwt/if_men_are_from_mars_women_are_from_venus_was/
%
Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors?

To see the enemies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ijc67/why_do_french_tanks_have_rearview_mirrors/
%
A masked man goes into a sperm bank

He points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank; it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ij29g/a_masked_man_goes_into_a_sperm_bank/
%
My girlfriend is like my iPhone

I don't have an iPhone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ij0if/my_girlfriend_is_like_my_iphone/
%
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ij060/my_therapist_says_i_have_a_preoccupation_with/
%
A blind cowboy walks in to a bar

, and says to the bartender do you want to hear a blonde joke? The bartender says before you say your joke, i would like to inform you that the women siting next to you is a black belt in taekwondo, and is blonde. The man next to you is a power lifter, and is blonde. I to am blonde and i have thrown quit a few men out for making blonde jokes, that being said do you want to say your joke? The cowboy says no i would hate to have to explain it three times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iiw5n/a_blind_cowboy_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel

But it takes up too much space in my freezer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iise1/i_have_the_body_of_a_25_year_old_supermodel/
%
LONG Priest is out fishing with a guide...

Priest is out fishing with a guide when the priest pulls in a huge fish. The guide lets out a loud "Sonnabitch!". The priest looks at the guide and says he appreciates the guide's excitement, if not his language.
The guide recovers quickly, and replies, "Oh no Father. That is the name of that species of fish. It is a sonnabitch fish." The priest nods his head and thanks the guide for the information.
The priest gets back to the church and sees the nun. He holds up the fish and says, "Look at this sonnabitch I caught!" The nun is embarrassed at such language so the priest quickly explains that it is the name of the fish. The Nun replies, "Well the new Bishop is coming for dinner this evening. You better get cleaned up and I will clean the fish for you."
As the nun is cleaning the fish Mother Superior walks up and comments on the size of the fish. The nun agrees saying, "Yes it is a huge sonnabitch". Mother Superior is shocked until the nun explains to her that it is the name of the fish. So Mother Superior decides to cook it for dinner and serve it to the new Bishop.
That evening they were all sitting at the table after dinner when the new Bishop comments about how delicious the fish was. The priest speaks up and says, "I caught the sonnabitch.". "Well I cleaned the sonnabitch", replies the nun. Mother Superior says, "And I cooked the sonnabitch."
The Bishop stares at them for a bit, puts his feet up on the table, lights a cigar an grins, "You motherfuckers are alright.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iirb8/long_priest_is_out_fishing_with_a_guide/
%
How to hide your important files from people without making Hidden folders

1. Go to your Desktop and make a new folder named Internet Explorer
2. Change the folder's icon to Internet Explorer
3. Keep it in your favorite corner of the desktop
Now, no one will open internet explorer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iio3o/how_to_hide_your_important_files_from_people/
%
Why can't you trust a garbage man who loves his job?

Because he's always talking trash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iinkl/why_cant_you_trust_a_garbage_man_who_loves_his_job/
%
A successful investment banker...

A successful investment banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. The banker immediately whipped out his phone and dialed 911. It wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the banker started screaming how his car, which he just picked up that day, was completely ruined and would never be the same again.
After the banker finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you finance guys are," he said "You're so focused on your possessions, you don't care about anything else!"
"How can you say that?" asked the banker, angrily.
The policeman replied, "Didn't you realize that your left arm is missing from your elbow down? It's been completely torn off from when the truck hit you!" The banker looked down in absolute horror.
"Fucking Hell!" he screamed... "Where's my Rolex!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iili8/a_successful_investment_banker/
%
After I changed sex, my daughter has been ignoring me..

It seems like I'm transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iile3/after_i_changed_sex_my_daughter_has_been_ignoring/
%
What do you call a Dothraki mathematician?

A Khal culator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iikcb/what_do_you_call_a_dothraki_mathematician/
%
Dave was going to donate my sperm

So Dave went to the center one day.
The nurse gave Dave jar to store it.
After some time Dave went back to the nurse with an empty jar.
The nurse asked Dave why it was empty.
Dave said "I couldn't do it myself, I tried one hand, then two, but it did not work".
The nurse helped Dave, she used her hands and her mouth, but she can't help it too.
Dave asked for help from his neighbor and her driver but they can't do it too.
No one can open this goddamn jar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iiium/dave_was_going_to_donate_my_sperm/
%
Fredrick the train conductor

Frederick, a train conductor, was driving his train when he thought browsing Reddit at the controls was a good idea. The train suffered a terrible crash and only those in the front of the train survived. Frederick was put on trial for the negligent homicide of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
When asked what he'd like for his last meal, he replied simply with "A banana, if you will." The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. Frederick ate the banana in regular fashion and braced himself for death. He was seated on the chair, fastened in, and was ready for what was about to happen.
However, after the electricity was activated, nothing happened. The guard was astonished. Not knowing what to do, he simply let Frederick go.
&nbsp;
A few days later, Frederick was back to work conducting trains. Shortly after his return, he managed to derail yet another train, this time by ~~unfortunately~~ browsing 4chan. He killed nearly a hundred people again but survived the crash. As before, he was charged and found guilty of multiple negligent homicides. Again, he was sentenced to death by electric chair.
It was the same prison guard as before. He was surprised to see Frederick again but held his tongue, for the man was about to die and it would be rude to question him. "What would you like for your last meal, sir?" Frederick respond as he did last time: "A banana, if you will." The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. Frederick ate the banana in regular fashion and again braced himself for death. He was seated on the chair, fastened in, and was ready for what was about to happen.
The electricity was activated and Frederick was prepared. But, as before, he was unhurt. The prison guard checked for any malfunctions but found nothing, not believing the entire situation was possible. Now even more incredulous than before, and not knowing what to do, the guard let him go.
&nbsp;
Frederick was, against all odds, alive and was incredibly still allowed to continue his job as a train conductor even though he was responsible for the deaths of almost two hundred people.
He was thankful to be allowed to continue his job but also scared. He would try to drive more carefully from now on. However, this effort didn't help much, as the very next train he was conducting, he managed to somehow crash. He was the only survivor of the train, which now killed four hundred people. He was again charged, and again found responsible for the deaths of over a hundred people. He was sentenced to death by electric chair.
The prison guard was the same, the meal was the same, the procedure was the same. After giving  the banana, the guard was silent. He couldn't bring himself to say anything, all he could do was prepare the chair.
&nbsp;
Frederick sat in the chair, expecting death. The guard activated it and, again, Fredrick was unscathed. The prison guard couldn't contain himself. He simply had to ask, "Sir, how did you manage to crash a train 3 times? And how did you survive the chair 3 times? Did the banana have something to do with it?"
Joe paused for a moment. Then he replied: "No, I'm just a terrible conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iihkc/fredrick_the_train_conductor/
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Sally fell of the swing...

Why?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock,
Who's there?
Not fucking sally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iig6p/sally_fell_of_the_swing/
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What's the difference between Hitler and Usain bolt?

Usain bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iiff9/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_usain_bolt/
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See the doctor

A psychiatrist was doing his book work, when his secretary came busting into his office, yelling, "Doctor! You have to help!"
"What's wrong?"he asked.
She said, "There's a man at my desk that says he is invisible"
The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iidh8/see_the_doctor/
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What happens to water when it gets all fired up?

It lets off steam.
^^...I'm ^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iid3a/what_happens_to_water_when_it_gets_all_fired_up/
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Give a man a fish...

And, apparently, you're a shitty secret Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iicix/give_a_man_a_fish/
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Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iib84/father_when_abe_lincoln_was_your_age_he_walked_9/
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A mathematician and engineer agreed to take part in an experiment

they were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked women on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?". to which the engineer replied, "So what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ii5i0/a_mathematician_and_engineer_agreed_to_take_part/
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Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

he's 0k now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ii3sm/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_got_cooled_to/
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I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ii3i3/i_just_murdered_a_tree_and_put_its_decorated/
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Trump at the Olympics

Donald Trump is opening the Olympic Games and has to read a speech.
"Oh" he says. "Oh, oh, oh ..."
An aide nudges him, "Mr. Trump, stop," he says. "You're reading the Olympic symbol."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihwzd/trump_at_the_olympics/
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Why can't a tyranosaurus clap?

It's extinct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihwl4/why_cant_a_tyranosaurus_clap/
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I like my women how I like my light bulbs...

Not too bright, easy to turn on and hanging from electrical wire in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihwiw/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_light_bulbs/
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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihvmm/i_found_a_rock_yesterday_which_measured_1760/
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What did the blonde haired, blue eyed soldier become when he left the army?

A veteran aryan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihvey/what_did_the_blonde_haired_blue_eyed_soldier/
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Why is the beef in Colorado so good?

Because the steaks are high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihv42/why_is_the_beef_in_colorado_so_good/
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I like my women like I like my oatmeal

Done in three minutes and covered in facts about dinosaurs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihui2/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_oatmeal/
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I like my women like I like my wine

12 years old and locked in the basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihu9i/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_wine/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

I don't like coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihu0f/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Don't know why some countries have food problems

If you're Hungary you could pour Greece over Turkey and fry it in Japan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihtnp/dont_know_why_some_countries_have_food_problems/
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A man goes to the supermarket

A man in a supermarket goes up to a cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.
The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.
The next day, the man goes and places two cans of cat food on the counter. Again the cashier asks, "Do you have a cat sir?" "Yes I do, it's at home," replies the man. "Well I'm sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," replies the cashier.
The next day, the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes that's right," replies the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihszv/a_man_goes_to_the_supermarket/
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what fabric softener do Special Ed kids use?

Downy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihpwo/what_fabric_softener_do_special_ed_kids_use/
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I admire feminists...

Especially those with huge tits and a nice juicy ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihju5/i_admire_feminists/
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I like my men like I like my grapes.

Me:- I like my men like I like my grapes
Friend:- Big and black?
Me:- no, 16 at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihhra/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_grapes/
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A black kid was playing in the kitchen..

He accidentally knocked a bag of flour off the shelf and it went all over him.
His mom came in the kitchen and he decided to make a joke of it. "Look Mom, I'm white!" he said.
His mom slapped him across the cheek. "I can't believe you just said that boy, go tell your father what you just said."
Surprised and a little hurt, he walked over to his Dad in the TV room and said "Hey look Dad... I'm white!"
When his Dad heard that, he flat out punched the kid. Square in the face. The kid was shocked and confused. The Dad said "Boy that's the worst shit I've ever heard, go and show your grandma what you did and tell her what you said.
So the kid begrudgingly walked upstairs and walked into his Grandma's bedroom. "Hey Grandma look, I'm white..."
...and his Grandma just pummeled him. Relentlessly. So hard that both the kids' parents had came upstairs to break up the beating.
They all stood around him and asked him "Yeah well how do you feel about making that joke now?"
The kid just looked up at them and said "...Well I've only been white for 10 minutes, and I hate all you niggers already!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihhiq/a_black_kid_was_playing_in_the_kitchen/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihh5o/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

''I've never been better!'' he boasted. ''I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?''
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ''Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.''
The doctor continued, ''So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?'' the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, ''No, what?''
The doctor continued, ''The bear dropped dead in front of him.''
''That's impossible!'' exclaimed the old man. ''Someone else must have shot the bear.''
''That's kind of what I'm getting at,'' replied the doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihgpf/an_80_year_old_man_was_having_his_annual_checkup/
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Frank and his grandson are sitting on a hill above their town

"You see that house down there?" Frank says to his grandson,
"I built that house, but they don't call me Frank the house builder."
Frank continues.
"And that Church, you see that church son? I built that church for the townspeople so the can all gather and worship. And that wall, I laid the stones brick by brick, with no help from anyone, so the townspeople can feel safe"
"You are a great man, I am proud to call you my Grandfather." The grandson replied.
"Yet they don't call me Frank the Church-builder, or Frank the Wall-maker, do they?"
Frank exclaimed.
"But you fuck just one sheep..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihgck/frank_and_his_grandson_are_sitting_on_a_hill/
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My mate went in to the doctors the other day with a hearing problem.

The Doctor said "Can you describe the symptoms"
My mate replied " Certainly, Homer is a big fat lazy yellow bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with blue hair"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihg5t/my_mate_went_in_to_the_doctors_the_other_day_with/
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Do you know how to avoid click bait?

Obviously not...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihg1z/do_you_know_how_to_avoid_click_bait/
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Did you hear about the panda that went to London?

His plane lands and after a bit of sight-seeing he thinks he's a bit horny so he decides to find a local brothel. He finds himself a prostitute and they go into her room.
&nbsp;
The panda's stomach rumbles so the prostitute offers to make him a sandwich, he gratefully accepts. The panda finishes his sandwich and the prostitute suggests getting down to business.
&nbsp;
The panda gives her a good seeing to and they both lay down sweating and exhausted. After a while the panda gets up and makes his way towards the door.
&nbsp;
"Wait a minute, aren't you forgetting something?" Asks the prostitute.
&nbsp;
"Forgetting what?" Replies the panda.
&nbsp;
"Look up prostitute in the dictionary."
&nbsp;
So the panda looks up the word prostitute in the dictionary. The definition reads: "A woman who engages in sexual intercourse in return for payment".
&nbsp;
"See, you need to pay me!" Says the prostitute.
&nbsp;
"Look up panda in the dictionary." Replies the panda.
&nbsp;
So the prostitute picks up the dictionary and looks up the word panda. The definition reads: "An animal who eats shoots and leaves".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iheq4/did_you_hear_about_the_panda_that_went_to_london/
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If you haven't heard this. (Cannibal Island)

Three men are shipwrecked on an island infested with cannibals. The cannibal king tells the three men that they must complete a test so that they may not be eaten. He tells them to bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit. The first man brings back apples and is told he must shove all 10 up his butt without making a noise to pass the test. He gets half of one up there before he screams and gets cooked. The second man comes back with rasberries. As he is about to get the 10th and final rasberry in, he bursts out and laughter and gets cooked. Up in heaven the first man asks why the second laughed when he was so close. "I couldnt help but laugh when i saw the other guy walk in with pinapples." said the second man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihdo4/if_you_havent_heard_this_cannibal_island/
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Most people call the movie Rogue One

but I like to call it Star Wars Episode: PI because its between Episodes 3 and 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihdbv/most_people_call_the_movie_rogue_one/
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Why did the blonde get excited after finising the jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months

: Because the box said from 2 to 4 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ihaa7/why_did_the_blonde_get_excited_after_finising_the/
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Dave came home later than usual from his Sunday golf outing...

He looked thoroughly worn out.
"Tough day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Oh, you have no idea," he said.  "The first nine holes were great.  But then Steve had a heart attack and died.  For the whole back nine, it was 'hit the ball, drag Steve, hit the ball, drag Steve."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ih92b/dave_came_home_later_than_usual_from_his_sunday/
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A 65 year old man driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the senior. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ih81j/a_65_year_old_man_driving_through_the_city_and/
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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

He went storming to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on,
you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You
will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my
meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are
going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will
massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, the f***ing funeral director would be my first guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ih7wg/a_husband_had_just_finished_reading_a_new_book/
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Two cows are standing on a field eating grass

The first cow says: Mooooo!
The other cow replies: Damn, thats what I was about to say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ih7lw/two_cows_are_standing_on_a_field_eating_grass/
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A wife texts her husband on a cold winters morning...

”Windows frozen” ……
Husband texts back, “Pour some luke warm water over it"……
Wife replies, “Computer completely stuffed now”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ih6x9/a_wife_texts_her_husband_on_a_cold_winters_morning/
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Why does Santa carry a heavy sack?

Because he come once in an year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ih65h/why_does_santa_carry_a_heavy_sack/
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A family are sitting at the dinner table when their meal is interrupted when the family dog walks into the room with a dead rabbit in its mouth...

The family all panic as they identify the rabbit belongs as their next door neighbours'. In a desperate attempt to avoid being blamed for the rabbits death, they try to cover it up. Shampoo'ing the rabbits fur to make it look less obvious it has been mauled etc. Once the rabbit looks slightly more presentable, the family wait until the coast is clear to put the rabbit back where it was. That night the Dad sneaks into the neighbours garden and places the rabbit in its hutch before quickly running back into the house to avoid getting caught.
The next day the family are eating breakfast when their silence is broken by the sound of the neighbour shouting "WHO THE FUCK DIGS UP A DEAD RABBIT AND PUTS IT BACK IN THE HUTCH!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ih523/a_family_are_sitting_at_the_dinner_table_when/
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Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack....

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."
"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ih4rg/two_guys_show_up_in_heaven_at_the_same_time_the/
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Real or fake

I walked into the store the other day, and immediately noticed the girl working there. She was conventionally attractive and had really big breasts. I mean, really big.
I was just there to browse around, but I couldn't help myself. Something made me go over to this girl, and I nervously asked,
"Excuse me, sorry if I'm being rude, but... are those real or fake?"
Strangely, she didn't seem surprised at all, she just smiled and said,
"You know, I get asked that a lot. You're probably the fifth today."
"Really? Well, that's a relief. I thought it might have a strange question. It's just... I know they're probably fake, they just look so real!"
"They do, don't they?"
"And so big!"
"Well, you can get them in all sizes. But I like a bit of fullness."
"I agree. If you're already doing it, may as well go all the way!"
"That's right! They're not cheap, and you'll only do it once in your life anyway."
"Yes! But really, even standing this close I can't tell they're not real. This is amazing!"
"Well, I see them every day, but even I am fascinated sometimes!"
"Good to hear, because I always thought it was kind of cheap."
"Cheap?"
"I mean, normally you can tell it's plastic from a mile away, but this time I had to get really close before I could tell."
"Like I said, you're not the first. I've had lots of guys here today who just stand there and stare. But I know what they're thinking."
"OK, well... do you think I could... this may sound weird, but can I touch them? Just to check how they feel?"
"Sure, go ahead, touch all you want!"
I gently stroked my hand over them, squeezed a little, and closed my eyes to imagine the real thing. I couldn't tell the difference.
"Wow, they even feel real!"
"Yes!"
"I've always been opposed, thinking it was just crap."
"Well, they've come a long way. But you get what you pay for."
"Still though, I'm not 100% convinced..."
"I used to think the same, but since I made the investment last year I haven't regretted once."
"But what about the smell?"
"Of course, you don't get the same smell, but on the other hand they're more allergy friendly. Plus you don't have to deal with creepy crawlers."
"Oh, I didn't think of that. Well, you got me. I'm going for fake!"
And that's how I bought my first plastic Christmas tree...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ih38e/real_or_fake/
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Several fonts walk into a bar.

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ih1px/several_fonts_walk_into_a_bar/
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An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igroa/an_engineer_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
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Good news, insomniacs!

Only 1 more sleep 'til Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igqxs/good_news_insomniacs/
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A Life Guard is walking along a beach

when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.
The Life guard laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igpmw/a_life_guard_is_walking_along_a_beach/
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Pavlov walks into a bar.

His phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igpg4/pavlov_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?

One less drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igp5g/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_funeral_and/
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A blind man walks into a bar

And a table. And a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igoye/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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“I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “

Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igo18/i_refuse_to_eat_this_roastbeef_please_call_the/
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How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you can throw them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ignvg/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_house/
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Me and my girlfriend always wanted a baby. We tried really hard, but nothing worked. We finally got one when we expected it the least!

BAM, over the whole windshield.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igmbw/me_and_my_girlfriend_always_wanted_a_baby_we/
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93% of dog owners say their dog has made them a better person in at least one way, a study found

This same study found that 99% of cat owners say they feel their cat has told them to fuck off, at least once, this week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igm7j/93_of_dog_owners_say_their_dog_has_made_them_a/
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Little boy and his dad went fishing

The dad pulls out a bag of gummy bears.
The little boy asks "Can I have some?"
The dad replies "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
The little boy says "No it can't"
The dad says "Then sorry these are mine"
20 minutes later the boy pulls out a bag of potato chips.
The dad asks "Can I have some of those?"
The little boy replies " Can your dick touch your asshole?"
The dad says with a smirk " Why yes, yes it can"
The boy smiles back and says " Then go fuck yourself these are mine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igjlc/little_boy_and_his_dad_went_fishing/
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What the difference between jews and harry potter

Harry got out of the chamber alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igj2a/what_the_difference_between_jews_and_harry_potter/
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The Perfect Businessman

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igg0h/the_perfect_businessman/
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A policeman searched me last night...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igcyi/a_policeman_searched_me_last_night/
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What's a duck's favorite drug?

Quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igbv2/whats_a_ducks_favorite_drug/
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Why is it illegal for a person living in Virginia to be buried in Texas?

...because they're still alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5igai1/why_is_it_illegal_for_a_person_living_in_virginia/
%
Isn't asking a doctor for a second opinion normal?

I can't understand why my doctor got upset after my prostate exam when I asked him to try again with a second finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ig60x/isnt_asking_a_doctor_for_a_second_opinion_normal/
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Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S

. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ig5nv/two_immigrants_from_africa_arrive_in_the_united/
%
What do you call a horse without a head?

A headless horse, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ig2gl/what_do_you_call_a_horse_without_a_head/
%
How do you confuse an archeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him which period it's from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ig0v3/how_do_you_confuse_an_archeologist/
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So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby.

For instance my name, address and telephone number!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ifyng/so_much_has_changed_since_my_girlfriend_told_me/
%
Where do Chinese babies come from?

VaChina.
Mom and Dad, if you're reading this, I'm so sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ifx5s/where_do_chinese_babies_come_from/
%
What's the difference between Syria, and Detroit?

How you get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iftgk/whats_the_difference_between_syria_and_detroit/
%
I may not be able to use by the "N" word...

But at least I can say things like "Hey Dad", and "Thanks for the warning Officer!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iftc3/i_may_not_be_able_to_use_by_the_n_word/
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are at a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" Asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with a cat then torture it" said the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it" shouted the murderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it, then have sex with it again" said the necrophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it, then have sex with it again, then burn it" said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over...then the masochist said:
Meow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ift5a/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
%
From a very early age, I used to feel like a guy trapped in a woman's body...

...then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ifq8m/from_a_very_early_age_i_used_to_feel_like_a_guy/
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What's common between a bungee jumper and a hooker?

If the rubber snaps, you're screwed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ifj6c/whats_common_between_a_bungee_jumper_and_a_hooker/
%
Two men are stranded on a deserted island

. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ifi3o/two_men_are_stranded_on_a_deserted_island/
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Subject of sex education with her fourth-grade class Student

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ifhzl/subject_of_sex_education_with_her_fourthgrade/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee.

Hot and all over my crotch when I'm driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iffe4/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Four men went golfing together one day...

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ifcdm/four_men_went_golfing_together_one_day/
%
My mate threw a beer bottle at my head

It didn’t break the skin but it left a nasty Brews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ifb42/my_mate_threw_a_beer_bottle_at_my_head/
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Why is a buffet like a strip club?

You'll regret going to a cheap one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5if8pv/why_is_a_buffet_like_a_strip_club/
%
Have you ever been hit repeatedly by a wave?

It hertz a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5if7ke/have_you_ever_been_hit_repeatedly_by_a_wave/
%
Saw a licence plate today that said "LUVSHOES"

Couldn't decide if they love fashionable footware or easy women..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5if6kh/saw_a_licence_plate_today_that_said_luvshoes/
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A man makes a lie detector

that smacks anyone who lies. The man decides to go try it out on his family at dinner.
First the man asks his son, "Why did you come home so late last night"
The son replies, "I was doing my homework at the library". SLAP! "Ok, I was just playing games at my friends house" SLAP! "Fine,  I was watching porn at john's house".
The father is disgusted, "When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!" SLAP!
The mans wife bursts into laughter, "He's definitely your son" SLAP!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ieztl/a_man_makes_a_lie_detector/
%
Yo momma's so old

she has a separate entrance for black guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ieyju/yo_mommas_so_old/
%
My neighbor stopped by to tell me my dogs had been chasing people on bicycles

Bull shit, my dogs don't even have bicycles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ieygl/my_neighbor_stopped_by_to_tell_me_my_dogs_had/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iexhd/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
I worked a 10-hour day today...

Sounds impressive to non-programmers who don't know binary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iewl7/i_worked_a_10hour_day_today/
%
Did you hear about how much those new prosthetic limbs cost?

An arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iewb7/did_you_hear_about_how_much_those_new_prosthetic/
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My son fed half of the petting zoo.

That was the best way to dispose of the body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ieuhj/my_son_fed_half_of_the_petting_zoo/
%
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek.

lt’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.  Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ierie/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_playing_hide_and/
%
They're finally making a movie called "Clocks"...

It's about time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iepif/theyre_finally_making_a_movie_called_clocks/
%
One day a priest was walking on a pier when he noticed a guy in a boat fishing

He waves to the fisherman, and the fisherman asks him if he'd like to join him in the boat for a little angling. The priest enthusiastically agrees but explains that he's never fished before. The angler says he'll teach him.
On his first cast, the priest hauls in a really big fish. The fishermen exclaims, "Wow! That's a big son of a b****!" Realizing he's in the presence of a priest, the fisherman says, "Oh, father, I wasn't cursing. Ummm...that's the name of the fish species!"
The priest smiles and nods, saying, "Yes, this is a rather large son of a b***."
The priest takes the fish back to the monastery, and a young nun sees it. "Where did you get that fish, father?"
priest: "I caught this son of a b***!"
nun: "Father! Your language!"
priest: "No, my child. That's the name of the fish."
nun: "Oh, well I'll clean the son of a b*** for you!"
She takes the fish to the kitchen to clean it, and mother superior sees it.
MS: "Where'd the fish come from?"
nun: "This son of a b*** was caught by the priest!"
MS: "Sister! You are in the house of the Lord!"
nun: "No, that's the name of the fish."
MS: "Oh. I'll cook it for dinner. The bishop is coming tonight."
She cooks the fish, and they all sit down to dinner. Just as they start eating, the pope makes a surprise visit, and they invite him to join in their meal. He tastes the fish and proclaims, "This is the best fish I've ever eaten! Where did it come from?"
priest: "I caught the SOB!
nun: "I cleaned the SOB!"
MS: "I cooked the SOB!"
The pope rears back in his chair and pushes the miter back on his head. The three underlings suddenly realize what they've said, and there was dead silence. The pope props his feet on the table and says, "You f**kers are alright!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ieox0/one_day_a_priest_was_walking_on_a_pier_when_he/
%
You know the problem with dark jokes about airplanes?

They don't always land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iensw/you_know_the_problem_with_dark_jokes_about/
%
Sex

As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
But another voice kept saying, "Dave, you are a veterinarian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ienn5/sex/
%
Why are there so many female archaeologist?

Bitches love digging up the past

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iem0c/why_are_there_so_many_female_archaeologist/
%
IT'S A BIRD! NO, ITS A PLANE!

HOLY SHIT it's Dave!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iehl3/its_a_bird_no_its_a_plane/
%
Did you hear the joke about argon and krypton?

It didn't get much of a reaction.
^^^^ill^just^be^on^my^way^out^now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iegk1/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_argon_and_krypton/
%
There are 10 kinds of people in this world:

->1. Those who understand binary.
->10. Those who don't.
***edit: I had to add the arrows because the '10' was translating to '2' when I saved it.
Reddit auto format: first group.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iefto/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
%
What do you call lonely cheese?

Prov-alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iedya/what_do_you_call_lonely_cheese/
%
Many burn victims are not very attractive,

But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iedge/many_burn_victims_are_not_very_attractive/
%
There's been a lot of scammers claiming they're from the electric company calling to get payments from overdue bills…

They're getting pretty crafty- they even turned off my electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iecqw/theres_been_a_lot_of_scammers_claiming_theyre/
%
Gay people make me sick

I should really stop deepthroating them so hard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iec5f/gay_people_make_me_sick/
%
What's the best kind of guy to get fingered by?

One with Parkinson's disease!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ieazi/whats_the_best_kind_of_guy_to_get_fingered_by/
%
Two mates were reminiscing about the party they'd been at the week before..

"Great party that, last week, wasn't it?"
"Wow, yes, great food, great booze, great girls...and a posh house to boot."
"Posh house?? it was a suburban semi?"
"Never....they had a gold-plated toilet?"
"What?, I can't remember that, you must have been drunk."
"No, honestly, I remember thinking...'posh!' "
The argument went backwards and forwards...yes, no, yes, no.
Finally they decided to prove once and for all who was correct....they looked up the address and went to the house.
A woman came to the door and one of the men said..."Excuse me, we were at your party last weekend and we're having a difference of opinion, tell us please...have you, or have you not, got a gold-plated toilet? My mate here says 'yes' but I disagree."
The woman turned round and shouted to her husband...
"George....I've found the bastard that crapped in your trombone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ie2wm/two_mates_were_reminiscing_about_the_party_theyd/
%
Newton's Third Law of Emotion

For every male action, there is a female overreaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ie0pk/newtons_third_law_of_emotion/
%
You know how when you swimming in a public pool and you need to go pee, you just pee in the pool? well i was at a pool one day and i needed to pee so i started peeing in the pool. The life guard saw me and started yelling at me. He scared me so much....

I almost fell in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ie0l9/you_know_how_when_you_swimming_in_a_public_pool/
%
Dad joke

Son: "Dad, tell me a joke."
Dad: "Pussy."
Son: "I don't get it."
Dad: "I know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5idzzl/dad_joke/
%
I came home from work with a bouquet of roses.

My wife looked at me suspiciously and said, "Have you done something wrong?"
I said, "...Yes."
She said, "What is it?"
I said, "Bought an ungrateful bitch flowers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5idzv5/i_came_home_from_work_with_a_bouquet_of_roses/
%
A vampire walks into a bar and asks for for a cup of boiling water

The bartender says to the vampire dont vampiers drink blood? the vampire pulls out a used tampon and say yes im making tea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5idyt9/a_vampire_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_for_a_cup/
%
As a programmer, I may not be able to set up a parade...

But I can make an array of floats...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5idyhp/as_a_programmer_i_may_not_be_able_to_set_up_a/
%
What do you call a fat lady that can tell your future?

A four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5idt2t/what_do_you_call_a_fat_lady_that_can_tell_your/
%
Who do grammar nazis hang out with now?

The alt-write.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5idrd7/who_do_grammar_nazis_hang_out_with_now/
%
Its such a shame todays world is so politically correct, you cant even say Black Paint anymore,

Instead you have to say "Leeroy please paint the porch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5idpy3/its_such_a_shame_todays_world_is_so_politically/
%
Riding with Uber earlier..

The driver said,
"I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."
Then I said, "Turn Left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5idozd/riding_with_uber_earlier/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5idnk9/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
My friend David lost his ID.

Now we just call him Dave.
well i'm bad at telling jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5idhh7/my_friend_david_lost_his_id/
%
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5idafk/a_police_officer_jumps_into_his_squad_car_and/
%
I gave up my seat for a blind man on the bus today

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5id4sa/i_gave_up_my_seat_for_a_blind_man_on_the_bus_today/
%
Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at the bar, checking the woman out, up and down.

As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom,
the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down
right across from her and looks her right in the
eyes. Without blinking he says, "I want to suck
your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with
Tequila, and sip it out with a straw." Needless
to say, the woman is appaulled. The man notices
the boyfriend coming back so he returns to his
bar stool.
As the boyfriend sits down, his girlfriend tells
him frantically, "that man at the bar said he
wanted to suck my nipples raw." Well the
boyfriend gets pissed and stands up like he's
getting ready to beat the shit out of this guy.
"Hold on honey, there's more," the girlfriend
says.
"What is it?!" the boyfriend asks.
His girlfriend says, "He also said he wanted to
fill my pussy up with Tequila and sip it out with
a straw." Her boyfriend then sits back down in
his seat.
Angrily, his girlfriend says, "Well aren't you
going to do anything?!?!?!"
Her boyfriend replies, "Honey, I'm not messing
with any man who can drink that much Tequila."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5id4gu/boyfriend_and_girlfriend_go_into_a_restaurant_and/
%
A father asked his young son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the
boy exploded, bursting into tears.  Confused, his
father asked the youngster what was wrong. Oh
pop," the boy sobbed, "for me there was no santa
claus at age six, no Easter bunny at age seven, no
tooth fairy at age eight and no stork at ten. and
if you're telling me now that grownups don't
really fuck, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5id3ok/a_father_asked_his_young_son_if_he_knew_about_the/
%
Want to hear a good construction joke?

I'm working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5id3fv/want_to_hear_a_good_construction_joke/
%
What's the world's longest Ted Talk?

How I Met Your Mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5id30s/whats_the_worlds_longest_ted_talk/
%
A boy and his grandfather, Peter, are sitting on a mountain side...

Peter says to his grandson, "See all those houses down there? I built those with my bare hands. But do they call me 'Peter the House Builder?' No."
"And you see that church there? I built that with my bare hands. But do they call me 'Peter the Church Builder?' No."
"And you see that wall there? I built that with my bare hands. But do they call me 'Peter the Wall Builder?' No."
"But you fuck one pig..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5id2h5/a_boy_and_his_grandfather_peter_are_sitting_on_a/
%
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation

so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his
problem. In response the doctor said, "When you
feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try
startling yourself".
That same day the man went to the store and
bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to
try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.
At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on
her husband. As the two begin, they find
themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments
later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires
the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man
answered, "Not that well...when I fired the
pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches
off my dick and my neighbor came out of the
closet naked with his hands in the air!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5id2av/a_man_was_having_problems_with_premature/
%
Dr. Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal voice that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."
But invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality.
"But Dave, you're a vet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5icy9s/dr_dave_slept_with_one_of_his_patients_and_felt/
%
What's the difference between a bullet and a human?

A bullet doesn't miss Harambe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5icwbi/whats_the_difference_between_a_bullet_and_a_human/
%
“If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.”

— Bill Cosby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5icw8q/if_you_can_make_a_woman_laugh_you_can_make_her_do/
%
Why was the Ethiopian baby crying?

He was having a mid-life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5icvl1/why_was_the_ethiopian_baby_crying/
%
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5icu6l/my_therapist_says_i_have_a_preoccupation_with/
%
"It's a bird!" "It's a plane!"...

What the hell were those two so excited about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5icsii/its_a_bird_its_a_plane/
%
The Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and still make you laugh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5icqve/the_gambler/
%
A man dies and goes to hell..

The devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do with you." says the Devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. As you have to stay here definitely, I'm going to have to let someone else go."
"I have got 3 folks here who weren't as bad as you were. I will let 1 of them go and you will have to take their place. However, I will let you decide who leaves!"
The man agrees.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it was a woman in large pool of hot water. She kept diving in & climbing out, over & over again. Such was her fate in hell.
"No!'' said the man. ''I'm not a good swimmer!"
The Devil then led him to next room. In it was a large burly man with a sledgehammer & the room was full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No! I have got a problem with my shoulder. I will be in constant agony if I had to break rocks all day."
The Devil then opened the third door. The man saw a morbidly obese man lying on a king size bed and Over him was a very sexy woman kissing him, caressing him and clutching him in a tight embrace.
The man looked in disbelief for a while & says, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled & said, "OK, Roxanne, you are free to Go!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5icqh7/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne waits till you're 13 to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5icorq/what_is_the_difference_between_acne_and_a/
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The geography of women..

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered , half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
The geography of man:
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5icl46/the_geography_of_women/
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I spent all of my money on hookers and drugs.

The rest I wasted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ickn7/i_spent_all_of_my_money_on_hookers_and_drugs/
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I always cry after sex

I fucking hate prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5icjd0/i_always_cry_after_sex/
%
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday.

Not a great gift I know, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ici3k/i_bought_my_girlfriend_a_fridge_for_her_birthday/
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How much lube do you need for anal?

A buttload.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ich8z/how_much_lube_do_you_need_for_anal/
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The many uses of vaseline

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no,  he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it,
she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it  for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5icfyb/the_many_uses_of_vaseline/
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A computer science teacher asks the class to turn to page 404.

The students search feverishly, to no avail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5icebb/a_computer_science_teacher_asks_the_class_to_turn/
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What do JFK, John Lennon and Donald Trump have in common?

Nothing. But a man can dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ic9c6/what_do_jfk_john_lennon_and_donald_trump_have_in/
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All of my friends are jealous when they find out I hooked up with my math teacher in high school

But honestly, being homeschooled sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ic7sq/all_of_my_friends_are_jealous_when_they_find_out/
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How to ruin your kids day

A dad says to his two teenage kids at breakfast, "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"
The son responds, "I don't know, I've heard arguments for both and can't decide."  The daughter says, "I think it was the egg Dad, because you can't get a chicken without an egg!"
The dad hesitates and then replies, "it was a trick question, it's your mom, she always comes first.  Have a good day at school!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ic4so/how_to_ruin_your_kids_day/
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A termite walks into a bar...

And says, "is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibwn5/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
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Doctor: "I'm sorry....

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibv9a/doctor_im_sorry/
%
I tried committing suicide once...

never doing that again, I almost killed myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibv0o/i_tried_committing_suicide_once/
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A barber was arrested yesterday in my area for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years.

Didn't even know he was a barber...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibuod/a_barber_was_arrested_yesterday_in_my_area_for/
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I'm sick of these people turning up at my door, telling me they're my saviours and if I don't listen I'll burn.

Fucking firemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibumi/im_sick_of_these_people_turning_up_at_my_door/
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Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House...

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.
Trump goes back to the Chinese and asks "why 3 million?" The Chinese say "1 million for the paint, 1 million for the labor, and 1 million profit."
He then goes to the Europeans and asks "why 7 million?" The Europeans reply "2 million for the best quality paint, 3 million for the specialized labor, and 2 million profit"
Trump finally goes to the Ecuadorians and asks "why 10 million?" The Ecuadorians reply, "Mr. Trump, let's sit down and have a talk about sincerity. 3 million for you, 4 million for us, and with the last 3 million we hire the damn Chinese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibu47/donald_trump_is_looking_to_paint_the_white_house/
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What did one mushroom say to the other mushroom after being teased for losing a game of tennis?

That's poor spore-tsmanship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibrj1/what_did_one_mushroom_say_to_the_other_mushroom/
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In the 1950's ol' Joe died and approached the gates of heaven

Being his natural self, he brought his ol' trusty gun with him.
Saint Peter greets him and says:
"You cannot enter heaven with a gun, my son"
Obviously ol' Joe is pretty upset and walks in circles trying to figure out what to do and actually manages to catch a glimpse through the gates of heaven. There he sees an old man with a beard and two AK47s, one in each hand sitting on a chair.
Upset he complains to Saint Peter:
"Why can't I enter heaven with my ol' trusty gun, if even God has two AKs?"
After a short moment of confusion, Saint Peter responds:
"My son, this is not God. We made an exception for this guy! It's Karl Marx and he is waiting for Stalin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibob8/in_the_1950s_ol_joe_died_and_approached_the_gates/
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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.
"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"
Surprised, the mother asks him:
"Son, where did you pick that up?"
To which the father replies:
"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibo1m/a_boy_was_trying_to_open_a_jar_of_peanut_butter/
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How are women similar to fireworks?

They're fun to watch from a distance, dangerous up close, and can be ignited by the smallest spark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibnod/how_are_women_similar_to_fireworks/
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What do you call a russian tree?

Dimitree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iblqj/what_do_you_call_a_russian_tree/
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My English teacher is living proof that Grammar Nazis still exist.

Sorry... Alt-Write.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iblmg/my_english_teacher_is_living_proof_that_grammar/
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I was so happy when I got my new thesaurus in the mail. But when I opened it, every page was blank!

Damn.
I have no words to describe how upset I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibl7n/i_was_so_happy_when_i_got_my_new_thesaurus_in_the/
%
A blonde and a brunette inherit their family ranch...

A pair of sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherited their family ranch when their parents passed away.
The ranch was in dire straits. To save it, the brunette sister decided to take a risk: she would put all the money in their savings towards buying a bull to repopulate the ranch.
She took all $600 out of their account and got on a train to meet a seller who had a bull she could look at. She told her sister she'd send a message to come bring their truck and trailer up if she decided to buy the bull and needed to bring it home to the ranch, so as not to waste the gas money.
The brunette met the seller and decided to take the bull. He sold it for $599.
The brunette then went to have a telegram sent to her sister letting her know she could bring the trailer.
“That'll be $1 per word,” said the clerk.
“I only have $1, so I'll have to just send her one word,” sighed the brunette. She thought about it for a while.
“Comfortable. I want the message to say comfortable.” she said, sliding the dollar across the counter to the clerk.
“Miss, do you think she'll understand that? It seems a bit random,”
“Oh, it's okay. She reads very slowly,” explained the brunette sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibhtm/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_inherit_their_family_ranch/
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Where'd the dog who lost his tail go to get a new one?

A retail store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibgwz/whered_the_dog_who_lost_his_tail_go_to_get_a_new/
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I’m really good at managing my credit card...

...My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibfhx/im_really_good_at_managing_my_credit_card/
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Christmas lights remind me of my friends.

They all hang together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibf17/christmas_lights_remind_me_of_my_friends/
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I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice.

My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibev4/ive_only_been_in_jail_for_5_minutes_and_ive/
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I accidentally swallowed a lot of food coloring this morning.

I dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibchv/i_accidentally_swallowed_a_lot_of_food_coloring/
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Charlie Brown, now a young adult, sits with an academic advisor before enrolling in college....

He tells her he wants to be a counselor, but isn't sure what direction to go.
She looks over his scores as says, "I think you'd make a good grief counselor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibcdn/charlie_brown_now_a_young_adult_sits_with_an/
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Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The egg, it already got laid.  The bird is too chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ibavd/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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What do you call two gay rednecks?

Super Smash Brothers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iba3q/what_do_you_call_two_gay_rednecks/
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A Man is Shipwrecked On A Tropical Island...

He finds a native village on the shore. The people there take him in, and he has a pleasant life while waiting for rescue. Only one thing bothers him. From the villages up in the hills he can hear drums beating constantly, night and day.
He talks to the chief of the village,
"Those drums are driving me crazy. They never stop. I can't sleep."
The chief says, "When drums stop, very bad."
"What do you mean? Are they war drums? Is there going to be a battle?"
"When drums stop, very bad."
"What's so bad? What happens when the drums stop?"
"Bass solo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ib8j6/a_man_is_shipwrecked_on_a_tropical_island/
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A Democrat wakes up after being in a year-long coma...

...and immediately calls the doctor over to his hospital bed.
"Doctor, I need to know; who won the election? Was it Sanders? Clinton?"
The doctor shakes her head. "Let me put it this way: there's good news and there's bad news."
"What's the bad news?" the Democrat asks.
"Donald Trump is the President-elect, and has appointed a climate change denier as the head of the EPA, a close friend of Vladimir Putin as Secretary of State, and a billionaire who wants to privatize schools as Secretary of Education. In pretty much every single case, he has chosen the person least qualified to protect whatever they are in charge of."
The Democrat is visibly shaken. "How on earth could there be any good news?"
"Well," the doctor says, "he's also in charge of choosing his own Secret Service detail."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ib8i1/a_democrat_wakes_up_after_being_in_a_yearlong_coma/
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How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

ask them to pronounce unionized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ib88a/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ib6p7/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_went_on_a_camping/
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I started a three-way with a Chicken and Egg.

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iaz2m/i_started_a_threeway_with_a_chicken_and_egg/
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What is long and hard and has cum inside of it?

A Cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iaxn1/what_is_long_and_hard_and_has_cum_inside_of_it/
%
A zebra dies and goes to heaven.

Once there Saint Peter tells her she can ask God a single question.  So she asks God "I've always wondered, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes."
God responds,  "You are what you are" and disappears.
She turns to Saint Peter clearly dissatisfied,  "All these years I've waited only to not get an answer,  what does that even mean? "
Saint Peter looks confused and replies "Well obviously it means you're white with black stripes"
"How" replies the zebra
"Well if you were black, he would have said 'You is what you is'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iatuz/a_zebra_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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After Kanye and Donald Trump met up the other day, they will be working on a new album together....

The Deportation of Pablo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iasiu/after_kanye_and_donald_trump_met_up_the_other_day/
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What's 6 inches long and starts with a p?

........... a shit (think about it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iaqts/whats_6_inches_long_and_starts_with_a_p/
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What happens to the cow on her period?

She gets MOOOOOODY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iam23/what_happens_to_the_cow_on_her_period/
%
What does a sign on a out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it, we're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ial02/what_does_a_sign_on_a_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
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What are the only english words that russian prostitutes can say?

Putin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iahyg/what_are_the_only_english_words_that_russian/
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I have good false memory

I can misspell every single word on the dictionary.
Edited: grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iah4d/i_have_good_false_memory/
%
My daughter told me she wanted a puppy for Christmas...

I told her "you're eating turkey like everyone else".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iaffu/my_daughter_told_me_she_wanted_a_puppy_for/
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A piece of string walks into a bar...

And asks for a Beer.
The barman says: "I'm sorry we don't serve pieces of string".
So the piece of string walks outside, ruffles himself up, walks back into the bar and says: "Can I have a Beer please".
The barman replies: "Aren't you that piece of string I just asked to leave".
To which the piece of string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iaelm/a_piece_of_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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Son, you're kind of like rapunzel.

But instead of letting your hair down you let everyone in your life down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iaek9/son_youre_kind_of_like_rapunzel/
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Chicken and an egg

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed.
The chicken is laid back with his wings behind his head, smoking a cigarette and staring at the ceiling with a shit eating grin on his face. The egg is laying on its side facing away from the chicken.
The egg rolls over and looks at him with a disgusted look, rolls back over to the other side and mumbles "well I guess that answers that question".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iaeen/chicken_and_an_egg/
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I often wonder how the hell I passed Music class.

I really sucked on the organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iadna/i_often_wonder_how_the_hell_i_passed_music_class/
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Shall I tell you the joke about the kidnappers?

I'd better not. You might get carried away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iabyz/shall_i_tell_you_the_joke_about_the_kidnappers/
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A professor, a graduate student and a post-doc

are researching genie conjuring when, lo and behold, they say the right words and the genie pops out.
The genie says, "I have to give 3 wishes, so since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish."
The post-doc says, "Me first!  I want to be on a beach in Hawaii with a Mai Tai on one side and a Chippendale on the other!"
Poof! She's gone.
The grad student says, "Me next! I want to be in the Bahamas on a speedboat with a beautiful woman rubbing my shoulders."
Poof!  He's gone.
The genie looks at the professor and says, "So what do you want?"
The professor replies, "I want both of them back in the lab after lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iabsg/a_professor_a_graduate_student_and_a_postdoc/
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What did the 2 rednecks say after breaking up?

Let's just be cousins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ia90r/what_did_the_2_rednecks_say_after_breaking_up/
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You know what they say about the blind prostitute ....

She'll never see you coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ia51g/you_know_what_they_say_about_the_blind_prostitute/
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A boy came home with a C+ in music.

He said with great vigor, "I got an A-"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ia40g/a_boy_came_home_with_a_c_in_music/
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I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....

On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ia3cm/im_not_sure_about_my_stand_on_the_abortion_issue/
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If I am attacked by a group of clowns.....

should I always go for the juggler?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ia32w/if_i_am_attacked_by_a_group_of_clowns/
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My ex-wife was deaf...

She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ia2um/my_exwife_was_deaf/
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I got an STD from a Canadian woman

Hepatitis eh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ia2ry/i_got_an_std_from_a_canadian_woman/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

At the other end of the bar, he sees a sailor with a head the size of an orange. Curious, he puts a few drinks back and builds up the courage to ask the guy what happened.
Sailor: Many years ago, I was on a ship that capsized on a deserted island. When I came to, I heard a whimpering sound coming from behind a giant rock. When I went to investigate, I found a mermaid! She offered me three wishes if I would bring her back to the water. So, I picked her up and brought her to the ocean. She asked for my first wish, and of course, I asked to be sent home. She said "after I grant your other wishes, you'll return home".
Next, I wished to be rich. She said "when you return home, your home will be filled with gold!".
Now, I hadn't seen a woman in a long time at that point and the mermaid was quite beautiful. So, I asked if we could fool around. She pointed at her tail and said "well, as you can see, I'm not made for that."
So, I said "that's fine, how about a little head?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ia1vj/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Best he ever had

A guy gets out of prison after serving 10 years and decides he is going to the whorehouse the very 1st thing. When he arrives, he is greeted by the old Madame who tells him she is sorry, but all of her girls are on holiday and she is the only one there. The man is very distraught, but the Madame tells him not to worry, she'll take care of him for half price there is only one condition. She pops out her glass eye and tells him he'll have to stick his dick in there to get off, she's too old for him to be jumping on her. The man thinks about it and decides what the hell, it's been 10 years and she is a WOMAN after all. They get busy. The man is amazed,it is the best lay he's every had. He pays the Madame and tells her he'll be back  to see her soon. Her reply? I'll keep an eye out for ya!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ia0gq/best_he_ever_had/
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A Health and Safety Christmas Message

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash though the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.
Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks by night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around he/she must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate personal protective equipment to account for harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the over-whelming effects of glory.
Following last year's well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion on Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offense.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is subject to hospitality guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for your to fully participate with the festive spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i9x2j/a_health_and_safety_christmas_message/
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Your mama is so ugly that when she met Bill Cosby

he made her espresso.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i9txf/your_mama_is_so_ugly_that_when_she_met_bill_cosby/
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The bus has left the station and is accelerating down the hill. A man runs like for his life to catch it, but the bus is getting away. A boy leans off the window and laughs at the man: "You won't make it, you're fucked!" ...

... The man stops, breathes heavily and shouts: "No, you little dumbass! You won't make it and you're fucked! I'm the driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i9pg0/the_bus_has_left_the_station_and_is_accelerating/
%
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i9o7k/a_drunk_staggers_out_of_a_bar_and_runs_right_into/
%
Maid wanted a salary raise...

Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise
Maid: I can cook better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me!
Madam: Ok, second reason.
Maid: I can iron better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me!
Madam: Ok, and the third reason?
Maid: I am better in bed than you.
Madam's face swelled with rage.
Madam: Did my husband say that?!
Maid: No the driver told me.
Madam: Lower your voice. Is 25% enough?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i9j1v/maid_wanted_a_salary_raise/
%
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend...

"You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions and everything!"
His friend replies, "Bloody awesome! Did you get a blow job?"
"Oh, no, I never found her head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i9ip2/a_guy_goes_to_the_pub_and_says_to_his_friend/
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joke of the day

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i9id2/joke_of_the_day/
%
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

a pilot, you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i9hnt/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_flying_a_plane/
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What's better, Jesus or a picture of Jesus?

A picture because it only takes one nail to hang it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i9hh9/whats_better_jesus_or_a_picture_of_jesus/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike

It got so bad, I had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i9gzb/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike/
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If a person with ADHD went to a camp...

... would it be called a concentration camp?
Source: Girlfriend with ADHD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i9gmw/if_a_person_with_adhd_went_to_a_camp/
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Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i9g9f/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

They were yelling "Bach Bach Bach Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i9g8p/why_did_mozart_kill_his_chickens/
%
In Victoria Secret shop...

sir can i help you?
yes...does this come in children sizes?😐

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i9csn/in_victoria_secret_shop/
%
Why can't you e-mail a photo to a Jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i97yp/why_cant_you_email_a_photo_to_a_jedi/
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Two midgets got to Vegas

And have a blast. They see some shows, eat good food, and even win a little playing black jack.
Towards the end of their trip, one midget says to the other, "This trip has been great and all, but it's  missing something." They both look at each other, and in unison say "Hookers?"
They escort two hookers up to their room. There are two beds in the room. One midget and a hooker to one bed, and the other midget and hooker to the other bed.
One of the midgets lies next to a hooker in his bed, but can't get a hard on. No matter what he does, or what he tries he can't get a hard on. But all night,  all he hears from the other bed is "One, two, three, uhhh, One, two, three, uhhhh'"
The next morning the midgets converse about the night. One midget says "It was terrible, I couldn't get a hard on, it was so depressing." The other midget says, "You think that was bad..... I couldn't even get on the bed last night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i93wf/two_midgets_got_to_vegas/
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A white guy and a black guy are next to each other at the piss trough...

The white guy looks over and notices the black guy's cock. He goes, "Hey man, you've got a great looking cock. How do I get mine to look like that?"
Black guy is shocked but decides he's gonna mess with the white guy. He says, "Oh thanks. I'll tell you my secret: Every morning, I wake up and hit my dick 10 times with a hammer."
White guy goes, "Oh, no shit, I'm gonna try that!" Walks off.
A couple weeks later the same two guys run into each other on the street. Black guy goes, "Hey, how's it going with that trick I taught you?"
White guy goes, "Oh man, I'm seeing results already! Size hasn't really changed yet, but the color definitely has."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i93mt/a_white_guy_and_a_black_guy_are_next_to_each/
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An anteater walks into a bar...

"First the horse, now this asshole" remarked the bartender.
Credit: u/reduxde

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i93cw/an_anteater_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg?

The Rooster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i92zw/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
today, i learned that "Donald Trump" is an anagram of "Tan Dump Lord"

...it's like his parents knew all along

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i92a0/today_i_learned_that_donald_trump_is_an_anagram/
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A robber runs out of a store with a stolen TV.

The blonde cashier runs after him yelling, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i91kw/a_robber_runs_out_of_a_store_with_a_stolen_tv/
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"You're odd" she said.

"Not even" I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i910d/youre_odd_she_said/
%
My grandma always said slow and steady wins the race.

She died in a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i90xu/my_grandma_always_said_slow_and_steady_wins_the/
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Three guys go to a ski lodge.

There aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up and, unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i90eg/three_guys_go_to_a_ski_lodge/
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Had a job interview yesterday and was asked how much I was worth so I got up to leave. They ask me if there is a problem?

Yes there is, I can't afford to live off that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8zao/had_a_job_interview_yesterday_and_was_asked_how/
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The phone rings, and Dad asks: What does the caller ID say?

Mom: It's a private caller.
Dad: Don't answer that. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8wfh/the_phone_rings_and_dad_asks_what_does_the_caller/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar

As they are leaving one says to the other, "I can't believe you blew forty bucks in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8v5w/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
I met a refugee on the bus today.

"What country are you from?" I asked.
"Iraq" he said.
"How did you escape?" I asked.
IRAN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8ub6/i_met_a_refugee_on_the_bus_today/
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A penguin is driving his friend the seal through the desert.

Suddenly there is a loud 'BANG' and smoke starts pouring from the engine. The friends jump in shock but penguin manages to pull the car over. Luckily, a mechanic happened to be following behind and offers to take a look. Little penguin thanks the man and pops the hood.
Well, pretty soon the desert heat starts to build up and the little arctic penguin begins to suffer. Then seal reminds him that they have a tub of vanilla ice cream in a cool box. So penguin shoves his wings into the tub and attempts to scoop it into his beak but ends up wearing half of it over his face. The seal tries to eat some too but fails, only managing to drop it all down his front.
At this point, the mechanic taps on the window. 'You've blown a seal' he comments.
Penguin replies, 'Nope, it's just ice cream'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8sz4/a_penguin_is_driving_his_friend_the_seal_through/
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First time in U.S. history

A white billionaire will replace a black man in government housing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8sxw/first_time_in_us_history/
%
Where do dogs park their cars?

In barkinglots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8s0h/where_do_dogs_park_their_cars/
%
I haven't always believed in climate change

But I'm warming up to the theory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8qdp/i_havent_always_believed_in_climate_change/
%
What do bees and celebrities have in common?

They're both dying at an alarming rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8od5/what_do_bees_and_celebrities_have_in_common/
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If a man says something in the forest, and no women hear him

Is he still wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8lue/if_a_man_says_something_in_the_forest_and_no/
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One day, old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair...

There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.
Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that."
Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10."
So Stumpy goes without.
Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane."
Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down.
The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you.  I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free.  But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each."
Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins.
No sound.
The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff."
Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8j00/one_day_old_man_stumpy_and_his_wife_martha_went/
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How much does the Great Wall of China weigh?

Wan-ton
Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8iue/how_much_does_the_great_wall_of_china_weigh/
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Three men in line to Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"So I'm hiding in a fridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8hlf/three_men_in_line_to_heaven/
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Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed.

She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8hg2/abners_wife_was_laying_on_her_death_bed/
%
Why is the ocean always salty?

Because the land never waves back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8fym/why_is_the_ocean_always_salty/
%
TIFU by going to Jimmy John's for lunch..

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8f83/tifu_by_going_to_jimmy_johns_for_lunch/
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[NSFW] The Penguin

A guy goes to the whorehouse but he's strapped for cash.
"What can I get for 5 bucks?”
"5 bucks... That'll get you a 'penguin.' Rose! Come, take this man back and give him a penguin."
Rose takes the man to her room, undoes his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. But right before he is getting ready to come, she gets up and walks away.
The man becomes upset and, with his pants still around his ankles, waddles after her. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i8d6q/nsfw_the_penguin/
%
A man had lost one of his arms in an accident.

One day he felt terribly depressed and decided to commit suicide. He got into an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down to the street and caught up to the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again. The one armed man asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy …. my ass itches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i89i1/a_man_had_lost_one_of_his_arms_in_an_accident/
%
My ex hated when I started dating her twin sister.

Like it's my fault they're conjoined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i892f/my_ex_hated_when_i_started_dating_her_twin_sister/
%
I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector.

All the beeping was giving me a headache and making me sleepy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i88zh/i_had_to_take_the_batteries_out_of_my_carbon/
%
Why couldn't the psychic fit in the small shirt?

Because he was a medium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i88m8/why_couldnt_the_psychic_fit_in_the_small_shirt/
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Black eye

Tom: "Hey buddy, howya do...whoa! who gave you that black eye?
Sam: "My wife"
Tom: "I thought she was out of town for the weekend."
Sam: "So did I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i87c1/black_eye/
%
What's common between a good boyfriend and a lion?

They're both ready to eat you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i86ki/whats_common_between_a_good_boyfriend_and_a_lion/
%
Who put semen in the basement?

I don't know. That's just the way it's spelled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i85qz/who_put_semen_in_the_basement/
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BEER CHALLENGE [NSFW]

A guy walks in a bar and reads on a sign:"10 liters of beer for free if you pass our challenge".
Curious,the man asks the bartender about this challenge, and the bartender says:"Well,first you'll have to drink hal a liter of Tequila without breathing,then you'll have to go in the backyard.There's an alligator with a sore tooth,you'll have to remove it.Finally,upstairs there'sa woman that never had an orgasm in her whole life.You'll have to make her have her first.Then and only then you will have your beer".
The guy gobbles down a few drinks to get his courage out,then begins:
he screams:"WHERE'STHE FUCKING TEQUILA?!!!?!?!?".the bartender hands him the bottle and the guy drinks the whole thing in mere seconds.
After that,he gets up and says:"It's between us two 'gator!".
Then screams,thumps and horrible roars where heard inside the bar.
After a few minutes,the guy(now with his clothes full of rips and covered in bloody scratches)walks in again and asks the bartender:"So,where's this lady with the hurting tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i85d7/beer_challenge_nsfw/
%
A guy died and went to hell.

There he met the devil and the devil said, "you have been a bad person when you were alive, I'm gonna have you choose an activity behind these three doors and you have to do it for eternity." The guy agreed.
The devil opened door #1, and there was a young man tied up on a table being burned by fire. The guy told the devil, "I don't want to do that."
The devil said okay and opened door #2, and there was a middle age man tied up to the wall and being whipped. The guy told the devil," I don't want to do this neither."
The devil said okay and opened the third and final door. In there was an old man being tied to a chair with a blonde giving him head. The guy told the devil,"yeah, I want this one.''
The devil nodded, looked at the blonde and said,"Blondie you can go now I found your replacement."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i84us/a_guy_died_and_went_to_hell/
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I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i84sg/i_ordered_a_chicken_and_egg_from_amazon/
%
Bad egg jokes I thought of

1) what do you call it when you see a pretty egg?
- Egg sighting
2) what do you call it when a really annoying egg is quiet?
- Egg silent
3) what do you call it when a really hyper egg holds still?
- Egg static
4) what do you call it when an egg wonders if there is a god?
- Egg nostic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i82dj/bad_egg_jokes_i_thought_of/
%
What do you do when your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and apply lube

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7ztf/what_do_you_do_when_your_wife_starts_smoking/
%
CHEMISTRY JOKE

You know... I wanted to make a chemistry joke,but...
...I knew I wouldn't get a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7xxy/chemistry_joke/
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I like my men like I like my cocaine...

White, chopped into a fine powder, and flushed down the toilet once the police realize what I did and bang on my door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7xao/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_cocaine/
%
Want to hear a joke about UDP?

Never mind. you won't get it, and I won't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7wy7/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_udp/
%
My girlfriend is from another Nation.

ImagiNATION

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7v0o/my_girlfriend_is_from_another_nation/
%
I love to have deep conversations at 12:59

I love those 1-to-1 conversations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7uln/i_love_to_have_deep_conversations_at_1259/
%
You ever get laid in a sleeping bag?

It's awful.   You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat, and your scout master is covering your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7tlw/you_ever_get_laid_in_a_sleeping_bag/
%
Trump, Pence, Bannon, Sessions, Pompeo, Flynn, Priebus, Tillerson.

Not sure Trump knows this but traditionally, you only need 4 horsemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7ss8/trump_pence_bannon_sessions_pompeo_flynn_priebus/
%
Where does a majority of a hockey player's salary come from?

The tooth fairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7scf/where_does_a_majority_of_a_hockey_players_salary/
%
I'm madly in love with a girl who's a solipsist...

...but she doesn't even know I exist. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7rwj/im_madly_in_love_with_a_girl_whos_a_solipsist/
%
A young buzzard is bringing his new boyfriend home...

He turns to his dad and says "So, what are we having for dinner?"
The father bird clears his throat.
"Carrion, my gay bird son. There'll be peas when you are done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7r6v/a_young_buzzard_is_bringing_his_new_boyfriend_home/
%
69% of people...

...find something dirty in every sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7qup/69_of_people/
%
The giant panda is no longer endangered...

It's now extinct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7n9b/the_giant_panda_is_no_longer_endangered/
%
CLICKBAIT JOKE THAT WILL MAKE YOU SAY "Why is it deleted?"

[Deleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7n0x/clickbait_joke_that_will_make_you_say_why_is_it/
%
"The floor is lava"

-Everyone, Pompeii, 79 A.D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7mt0/the_floor_is_lava/
%
I Wish I had Trump As A Teacher

Citations would be super easy
"You know it, I know it, everyone knows it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7ktn/i_wish_i_had_trump_as_a_teacher/
%
Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure?

Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.
Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7kj2/doctor_will_i_be_able_to_play_piano_after_the/
%
A step-by-step guide: How to fall down stairs

Step 1
Step 6
Step 7,8,9,11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7k88/a_stepbystep_guide_how_to_fall_down_stairs/
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What is the difference between an abusive relationship and The Chainsmokers ?

Nothing, The hits keep coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7jll/what_is_the_difference_between_an_abusive/
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Suicide gone wrong [CORNY]

-Hey doc, so here's the thing, I felt really bad so I tried to kill myself with painkillers.
-Seriously? And what happened?
-After the first two, I felt much better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7j4e/suicide_gone_wrong_corny/
%
When I was a kid my parents would warn me if I was naughty the boogie man would get me

I was never scared though, I loved disco music

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7ii2/when_i_was_a_kid_my_parents_would_warn_me_if_i/
%
My mate Dave has changed a lot since his time in prison

For a start he's not half as tight as he used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7g75/my_mate_dave_has_changed_a_lot_since_his_time_in/
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My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will. ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7ed3/my_teenage_daughter_came_home_in_a_rage/
%
So I met this gorgeous girl...

...and I was sucking her cock last night when I thought to myself "Hey, wait a minute!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7eb7/so_i_met_this_gorgeous_girl/
%
A boy from Sydney, Australia is at a school PE class.

Him and the other students, who are all from Melbourne (as this is where the school is) are given the task of sprinting 100 metres as fast as possible - but this is never explicitly told to them.
The teacher gives the students this instruction:
"Run like you're 10 minutes away from your train station, and your train is due to arrive in 5 minutes."
The students all run like hell, except for the Sydney kid, who walks at a leisurely pace, checking his phone along the way.
Afterwards, the teacher screams at the student "What the hell were you doing!? I told you this: RUN LIKE YOUR TRAIN IS DUE TO ARRIVE IN 5 MINUTES, AT A STATION YOU'RE 10 MINUTES AWAY FROM!"
The student replies with this:
"Exactly. My train is due to arrive in 5 minutes, which means I don't need to be at the station for another 20."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i7b9n/a_boy_from_sydney_australia_is_at_a_school_pe/
%
How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowplow?

Give her a shovel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i75z4/how_do_you_turn_your_dishwasher_into_a_snowplow/
%
Why Can't You Play UNO With Mexicans?

They keep stealing the goddamn green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i72nq/why_cant_you_play_uno_with_mexicans/
%
Dave stumbles upon an oil lamp

Dave then picks up the lamp and begins to rub some of the dust off of it. Then out of nowhere a genie comes flying out of it. Dave is ecstatic and cannot believe his luck.  The genie then begins to talk to him:
Genie: Dave, you have released me from my lamp, I shall now grant you three wishes.
Dave: I wish to find the woman of my dreams.
Genie: You wish has been granted.
A woman then appeared next to Dave.
Genie: You have two more wishes.
Dave: I want to be rich.
Genie: Your wish has been granted.
Rich: Actually, I would like to have a lot of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i72ll/dave_stumbles_upon_an_oil_lamp/
%
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment...

...and he's very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment complex manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i72be/one_evening_a_husband_comes_home_to_his_apartment/
%
Which state has the highest suicide rate ?

The Islamic State.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i724l/which_state_has_the_highest_suicide_rate/
%
Jesus loves you

is comforting to hear in church, but terrifying to hear in a Mexican prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i71hq/jesus_loves_you/
%
Two men are golfing at a local golf course

The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6za8/two_men_are_golfing_at_a_local_golf_course/
%
Not only is my new thesaurus terrible,

But it's also terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6y9l/not_only_is_my_new_thesaurus_terrible/
%
I've started learning Arabic

So I know when to start running.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6x1w/ive_started_learning_arabic/
%
My guide on how to fall down a flight of stairs..

.. In just a few simple steps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6vul/my_guide_on_how_to_fall_down_a_flight_of_stairs/
%
Don't you hate it when you meet a hot girl who says she's "bi"...

...then the next morning you realize she meant "polar".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6v5v/dont_you_hate_it_when_you_meet_a_hot_girl_who/
%
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

Because he was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6igm/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
A man walks into...

a bar, and immediately walks up to the bar. He notices a large jar of cash placed on the bar that is oozing 20 dollar bills. He asks the bartender what it is for. To which the bartender replies; "It is the challenge jar. If you're feelin' froggy you can place a 20 in there, and I'll give you three challenges. If you complete all three it's all yours." The man not being able to resist a challenges throws his 20 in without hesitation. The bar tender then pulls a large jar of moonshine from beneath the bar and tells the man that he must take five gulps and walk around the bar for 30 minutes without becoming ill. "Secondly" he says, "I have a unruly pooch in the restroom, that  has an abscess tooth. I need you to remove it with these rusty pliers. Last, but far from least, you see that old lady at the end of the bar? She comes in here nightly with hopes of leaving with a companion for the night. If you want to win this money, it will be you that shows her some sweet loving tonight." The man a little frightened, pinches his nose and turns the jar up and takes six gulps for good measure, then turns towards the other patrons and makes his way to mingle with them. After his half hour was up he staggers towards the restroom. Shortly after the door closes behind him the bartender hears a lot of loud barking and growling,that last about 5 minutes. Then suddenly the man emerges from the restroom clothes torn to shreds, covered in blood, and drunkenly slurs "Now where's that old lady with the sore tooth?!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6gva/a_man_walks_into/
%
Two goldfish were in ther tank

One turned to the other and said, "You man the guns; I'll drive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6f37/two_goldfish_were_in_ther_tank/
%
Two rednecks walk down a dirt path

One of them has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.
The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."
The other redneck asks how many chickens are inside.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this sack, I'll give them both to you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6eqd/two_rednecks_walk_down_a_dirt_path/
%
Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6ekg/ex_girlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
How do you know that Hindu woman is into you?

Her diode starts flashing green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6doy/how_do_you_know_that_hindu_woman_is_into_you/
%
Why can't you fool an abortion?

It wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6dkz/why_cant_you_fool_an_abortion/
%
Me and my wife one night

My wife asked me: should we stay on the couch tonight and have a romantic evening or should we go bowling?
I repleid: well i am not sticking my fingers in some holes where every other person has stuck his sweaty dirty fingers in. So let's go bowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6c9x/me_and_my_wife_one_night/
%
What is red, slimy and crawls up your leg?

An abortion with home sickness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6c65/what_is_red_slimy_and_crawls_up_your_leg/
%
Two Mexican immigrants...

Two Mexican immigrants compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks.
After three weeks, the Mexicans meet again at a Denny's.
The first Mexican makes his case by saying:  "Every day I take my son to football practice and my daughter to cheerleading classes. I've recently started going to the bar and drink pints of Bud Light and every Friday I eat cheeseburger and fries.  My favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys!"
The other Mexican simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you beaner.  We are building a Trump Wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i6aq8/two_mexican_immigrants/
%
What do women and hand grenades have in common?

When you pull the ring off, your house goes away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i69f9/what_do_women_and_hand_grenades_have_in_common/
%
A priest, a doctor, and a politician...

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath. The psychopath says ‘I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you.’
The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he falls dead almost instantly.
The doctor examines the snake, tries to find the best position to stop the snake being uncomfortable, and holds it. The snake bites her, and she falls over dead.
The politician is last up; he just mutters ‘screw it’ and holds the snake. To his amazement, the snake stays still, it doesn't bite him. He holds it for a full ten minutes, and is set free. He puts the snake in its box and takes it with him. As he leaves, feeling no small amount of Survivors guilt, he looks at the snake and says ‘I wonder why you killed that pious holy man and that great saviour of lives, but let me live.’ ‘Professional courtesy’ the snake replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i68fq/a_priest_a_doctor_and_a_politician/
%
A man is married to his wife Lorraine

But he is secretly having an affair with his neighbor Claire Lee.
One day Lorraine discovers her husband has been cheating on her and swiftly packs her bags and leaves the next morning.
The man doesn't mind, and on his way to see Claire Lee the next morning he can't stop singing that one song
"I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i68et/a_man_is_married_to_his_wife_lorraine/
%
A man is bragging to his coworkers

"I may be old but I've still got it!  Last night, my wife and I went six-rounds!  This morning we woke up and she said to me, 'honey you were amazing!'"
Another, roused by competition, said:
"Well last night my wife and I had fifteen-rounds!  This morning she said to me, 'honey, I'm never leaving you'".
The last man didn't really speak all this time, so they looked at him asked "well, how many rounds did you go for last night?"
"Just one"
They smirked and sneered, "well, what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i657c/a_man_is_bragging_to_his_coworkers/
%
I'll take a Budweiser!

A blonde enters a bar and orders a Miller. Drink after drink she gets more and more loose with all the guys at the bar. One guy gets bold and starts hitting on her. At the end of the night the guy takes her home and bangs the shit out of her, I mean he really gave it to her. After that the guy didn't think he would see her again. She shows up the next night and orders another Miller. This time the guys at the bar get more bold and 2 guys decide to take her home. Same as before, they really give it to her. They don't expect to see her again after that night. The girl comes in the third night and all the guys at the bar are shocked she came back for more. The difference in this night is she says, "I'll take a Budweiser." The Bartender looks over at her confused and says, "You don't want a Miller like the last two nights?". "No, Miller makes my pussy hurt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i650n/ill_take_a_budweiser/
%
A boy is trying to sell fish...

A boy is trying to sell fish so he screams "Dam fish, get your dam fish here."
A pastor walks up and asks: "Why are you using bad language?"
The boy explains that he caught them at the local dam.
The pastor buys one and takes it home and tells his wife to "Cook the dam fish!"
She says: "I didn't know pastors talked like that" so he explained it to her.
Later at the table he says to his wife: "Pass the dam fish"
and the son says
"Thats the spirit dad, pass the fucking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i62b4/a_boy_is_trying_to_sell_fish/
%
Reality!

11:30- I will go to bed soon.
03:30- Why am i on wikipedia reading about advanced nuclear theory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i61h2/reality/
%
We think you may have a phobia of marriage

Doctor: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?
Me: I can't say I do.
Doctor: That's one of the symptoms, yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i5yk4/we_think_you_may_have_a_phobia_of_marriage/
%
a toast to wives...girlfriends and lovers...

may they never meet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i5yhp/a_toast_to_wivesgirlfriends_and_lovers/
%
What do you call it when you bury the wrong body at a funeral?

A grave mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i5o6k/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_bury_the_wrong_body/
%
I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't go to the gym with me.

We just weren't working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i5ne1/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_because_she_wouldnt/
%
A joke my friend told me (translated to English)

So there was this army general whose wife was cheating on him with his men. So the general decided to punish those that had sex with his wife, and to reward those that didn't.
The general placed a small needle in his wife's vagina. On the next day, he walked into the room with his men and he saw them all rubbing their pants in pain, all except for one soldier. The general was so happy with this soldier that he decided to reward him. After giving him the reward, he asks the soldier if he will remain loyal forever and serve him well, to which the soldier replied:
"Yeth thir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i5lgy/a_joke_my_friend_told_me_translated_to_english/
%
Do you know why I hate snow?

It's white and it's on my land.
(Just found out I'm 1/64th Native American)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i5ips/do_you_know_why_i_hate_snow/
%
A recent study was released on head lice stating that 95% of lice populations are resistant to treatment.

Scientists are scratching their heads trying to figure out how this happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i5ig9/a_recent_study_was_released_on_head_lice_stating/
%
A 7 year old goes to a brothel...

and slaps a $10 dollar bill on the counter and says, "Give me a hooker!"
The madame, looked amused and says, "Get lost kid."
The kid then slaps a $50 on the counter and says, "Give me a hooker!!"
The madame raises an eyebrow, but before she could say anything the kid slaps a $1,000 bill on table and says, "Give me a hooker with herpes!!!"
The madame, says, "What? Why would you want that?"
The kid says, "Because, I would screw her and get herpes, then I would go home and screw the baby sitter and she would get herpes. When my dad comes home, he'll screw the baby sitter and he'll get herpes. Eventually when my dad screws my mom she'll get herpes and on Wednesday when the pool man comes over she'll screw him and **that's the MOTHERFUCKER that killed my frog!!!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i5fub/a_7_year_old_goes_to_a_brothel/
%
What do orphans get at Christmas?

Lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i5ekr/what_do_orphans_get_at_christmas/
%
How to fall down stairs: Step 1...

Step 3
Step 7, 8, 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i5e98/how_to_fall_down_stairs_step_1/
%
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

They're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i5d8a/why_dont_you_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

5
1 to hold the bulb and 4 to spin the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i596v/how_many_blondes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Should really stop relying on people on the internet for advice all the time

What do you guys think?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i56de/should_really_stop_relying_on_people_on_the/
%
It's not that Jake couldn't juggle

It's that he didn't have the balls to do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i5280/its_not_that_jake_couldnt_juggle/
%
So a doctor comes into a bar every single day.

So A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4zoc/so_a_doctor_comes_into_a_bar_every_single_day/
%
So a man is having sex with a married woman when he hears a a car pull up...

The woman yells, "Shit, that's my husband! Hide under the bed!"
"Are you kidding?" the man replied. "That's the first place he'll look!"
"The bathroom?"
"Second!"
"The closet?"
"Third!"
Suddenly the husband entered the house. "Honey, is there anyone with you?"
"Just go!" whispered the wife as she pushed the man into the closet and tossed on a robe.
The man enters the room and checks under the bed muttering, "Coulda sworn I heard someone..."
As he moved on to the bathroom, the man knew he needed to think fast.
Just as the husband opened the closet door, the man turned to the husband hiding any shock or surprise.
"What are you doing here?" asked the husband angrily.
"Err... Your wife hired me to place mothballs around the house. You know how they are this time of year." the man replied casually.
"Then why are you naked?" asked the man suspiciously.
"Naked?!?" replied the man. "Those fucking moths!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4z1r/so_a_man_is_having_sex_with_a_married_woman_when/
%
What's below your sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na knees?

Your Guns N' Toeses
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4yyr/whats_below_your_shanananananananana_knees/
%
A recently widowed lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. 'Hello, sir, how are you?'
'Fine, thank you,' he responded, and turned back to his book.
'I love the beach. Do you come here often?' she asked.
'First time since my wife passed away last year,' he replied, and again turned back to his book.
'Do you live around here?' she asked.
'Yes, I live over in Suntree,' he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. 'Do you like pussycats?'
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, 'How did you know that was what I wanted?'
The man replied, 'How did you know my name was Katz?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4xku/a_recently_widowed_lady_was_sitting_on_a_beach/
%
Little Johnny

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm,  and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and  I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4r1f/little_johnny/
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What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?

Feyoncé

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4qen/what_did_jayz_call_his_wife_before_they_got/
%
A 90 year old man went to his doctor for his monthly visit... [NSFW]

**Doctor**: Hello Mr. Smith, how have you been doing?
**Mr Smith**: Well Doc, things have been going great. I fucked a 20 year old girl who is now pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that eh?
**Doctor**: '___' for a few minutes.
Okay Mr. Smith lemme tell you a story.
**Mr Smith**: Mmmmkay.
**Doctor**: I once knew an old man, just like you. He loved hunting more than anything in the world. He simply wouldn't miss a single season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a hurry he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his hunting rifle.
He neared the lake and then stumbled upon a lovely deer drinking at the edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed at the animal and as if it were his hunting rifle it went 'BANG' 'BANG'.
He couldn't believe it ! Two shots rang out and the deer fell to the ground.
Now Mr. Smith tell me what do you think about it?
**Mr Smith**: Well logically speaking, I think someone else pumped a couple of rounds into the deer.
**Doctor**: That's my point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4ofh/a_90_year_old_man_went_to_his_doctor_for_his/
%
We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting

They caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4jom/we_just_found_out_my_little_brother_has_a_peanut/
%
A found a dessert trying to sell me military secrets in my bed last night.

It was an under covers pie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4i74/a_found_a_dessert_trying_to_sell_me_military/
%
NSFW Man walks into the bank...

A man walks into the bank and steps up to the teller.
"I would like to open a fucking checking account" The man proclaims.
"Sir, I would be happy to help you, if you would only stop using profanities" The teller replies.
"Listen lady, I want to open a goddamn checking account and I want to open it right the fuck now" The man yells.
"Sir, please" the teller pleads. Almost in tears she looks over to her manager, who is walking over having heard the commotion.
"Is there a problem here?" The manager asks.
"Yes" The man says. "I just won 500 million dollars in the powerball, and I want to open a fucking checking account"
The manager purses his lips and look toward the teller...
"And this bitch won't stop hassling you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4gna/nsfw_man_walks_into_the_bank/
%
Little Johnny is in class one day...

Teacher: "Three birds are on the tree. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Listen carefully: Three birds are in the tree. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"
Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."
Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4g36/little_johnny_is_in_class_one_day/
%
An infinite number of math mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders 1 beer. The second orders 1/2 beer. The third orders 1/4 beer. The next orders 1/8 beer. Visibly frustrated the bartender slams 2 beers on the table and says "Guys, you need to learn your limits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4edi/an_infinite_number_of_math_mathematicians_walk/
%
I like my women like I like my cigars

7 years old and coming from Cuba in a burlap sack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4dz5/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_cigars/
%
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4dnv/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
Who can watch an R rated movie but not a PG?

Batman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4bwj/who_can_watch_an_r_rated_movie_but_not_a_pg/
%
My girlfriend accused me of cheating

First it was my wife and now her...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4bmk/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
%
Why don't landmines work on Africans?

Because they aren't heavy enough to set it off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i4afv/why_dont_landmines_work_on_africans/
%
A man walks into a bar with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!''
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly.
The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i484o/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_fullgrown_ostrich/
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Three men are walking in the desert when they come across a magic lamp...

Three men, one Black, one Mexican, and one White, are all walking in the desert when they come across a magic lamp. They decide to give it a rub and out of a blue mist comes a genie. The genie sees there are three men standing before him and says, "I usually grant one person three wishes but to make things easier I will grant each of you one wish."
The black man thinks for a long moment before saying, "I wish all Black people could live together in peace and love in Mother Africa."
*POOF* the black man gets his wish.
The Mexican thinks for a long moment before saying, "I wish all Mexicans could live together in Mexico free from violence, corruption, and poverty."
*POOF* the Mexican gets his wish.
The genie looks at the white man expectantly and the white man says, "Hold on, you mean to tell me that all the blacks are in Africa?"
"Yes" the genie says.
"And all the Mexicans are living in Mexico?"
"Yes" - says the genie. "Now tell me, what is your wish?"
The White guy smiles and says, "Fuck it then, I'll just have a coke."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i47f5/three_men_are_walking_in_the_desert_when_they/
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If I was an engineer, I would turn emo.

My inventions would be "Cutting Edge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i436x/if_i_was_an_engineer_i_would_turn_emo/
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My new thesaurus just came in

Not only is it terrible but it's also terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i40pw/my_new_thesaurus_just_came_in/
%
Matthew McConaughey walks into a Trump rally

"Alt Right, Alt Right, Alt Right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3zso/matthew_mcconaughey_walks_into_a_trump_rally/
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Stole this from a friend on FB

One day in a Contract Law class, the Professor asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3zrb/stole_this_from_a_friend_on_fb/
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One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school

, to tell the children about his success, and to show off his ‘intelligence’.
The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.
Trump decided to help the children learn the word ‘tragedy’, and asked the following question to them:
“What would be a tragedy, kids?”
A bespectacled boy nervously answers:
“If my best friend died of pneumonia, that would be a tragedy.”
“No, that would be a great loss,” Trump corrects him.
Another shy young child answers:
“If my uncle got hit by a train, that would be a tragedy.”
“No, no, that would be an accident,” Trump replies.
A young girl raises her hand. The wealthy businessman asks her if she’d like to give an example of a tragedy. The girl nods, and says:
“If Mr. Trump was in his private jet, and a missile hit the jet, that would be a tragedy.”
“Yes, that would be a tragedy for sure. Can you tell me why?” The businessman asks.
“Well, it definitely wasn’t a great loss, and I’m not sure if it was an accident, either,”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3xzm/one_day_donald_trump_visited_an_elementary_school/
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A man orders a drink at McDonald's

Cashier: $1.08 sir
Man: Sure, I'll wait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3x9u/a_man_orders_a_drink_at_mcdonalds/
%
How to fall down stairs

Step 1
Step 6
Step 8,9,11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3u1t/how_to_fall_down_stairs/
%
My friend didn't like the fridge I got him for his birthday.....

But you should've seen his face light up when he opened it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3rrs/my_friend_didnt_like_the_fridge_i_got_him_for_his/
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What's the difference between a gun and a penis

I don't put a penis in my mouth every night and cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3ron/whats_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a_penis/
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A man is traveling to the coast of South Western Asia, and he asks his friend if she wants to go with him. She says:

"Yemen, shore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3qvi/a_man_is_traveling_to_the_coast_of_south_western/
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The guy who invented throat lozenges just died...

I heard there will be no coffin at his funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3o1l/the_guy_who_invented_throat_lozenges_just_died/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3o1a/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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THE DEACON'S LAST & FINAL WORDS

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.
The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.
The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.
At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."
The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3nvo/the_deacons_last_final_words/
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and an orange?

The Orange has thick skin and people actually like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3nbo/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_an/
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An asylum with 5 people in it.

There was an asylum with 5 people in it. A necrophiliac, a pyromaniac, a sadist, a zoophile and a masochist. They decided to play a game one day but didn't know what to play. So the zoofile said: "How about we fuck a cat?" The necrophiliac said: "Okay but let's fuck it then kill it and fuck it again." The pyromaniac then said: "Okay let's fuck it, kill it, fuck it again and then burn it's dead body." The sadist added: "Let's fuck it, kill it, fuck it again and then torture it's dead body." And then the masochist proceeds to say: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3kbn/an_asylum_with_5_people_in_it/
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Sean's been drinking stout all evening...

Sean's been to the pub drinking stout all evening. He's very drunk and it's late.  The barkeep announces "Last Call!"  Sean protests and the barkeep tells him, "Sean, it's time ya drink up a get yeself home." Sean hoist his drink and drains it and commences to get up from the bar stool.  Thud! He lands arms and legs akimbo on the floor.  He struggles to rise but unable to do so he resigns himself to crawling out and literally drags his drunk ass out the door.
He reaches the street corner and attempts to pull himself up on the pole. Thud!  Again he lands arms and legs akimbo on the sidewalk.  He struggles to rise but unable to do so he resigns himself to crawling across the street. This continues for several blocks Seans attempting to rise and falling to the street with a loud Thud.  Fortunately he lives reasonably close to the pub and 45 minutes later he's dragging his ass up the walk to his front door.
Exhausted now and still drunk he finally reaches the door to his home. He struggles to pull himself up to get the key in the lock.  Thud! He lands arms and legs akimbo on the ground.  He struggles to rise but unable to do so he somehow manages to get his door unlocked.  Fearing the worst if his wife awakens and finds him in this condition he crawls as quietly as he can manage to the couch, covers himself with an old wool blanket and immediately passes out.
He's rudely awakened at 9 am by his wife leaning into his face screaming Sean, ya drunkin' sot, ye were fluther'd an piss'd agin les night!  He rubs his red eyes and says, "How do ye know wot I was doin' gowl? To which she replies, McDuff at th' pub called this marnin'.  He said ya left yer fockin' wheelchair there again ya manky gimp!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3jq3/seans_been_drinking_stout_all_evening/
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Redneck birth control

A man and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio.
The doctor asks, "What state are you from?
The man says "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10.
The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California.
When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him.
The husband figures that the doctors must be right.
So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count. ''1...2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3jde/redneck_birth_control/
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What does a dog do when it loses it's tail?

Goes to a retail store to find another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3ieu/what_does_a_dog_do_when_it_loses_its_tail/
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An Anteater walks into a bar....

Bartender says "can I get you a drink"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo"
Frazzled, the bartender says "What's with the long no's"?
Anteater replies "I was born with it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3i0h/an_anteater_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why don't Mexicans take drivers Ed and sex Ed on the same day?

They have to give the donkey a break.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3hrz/why_dont_mexicans_take_drivers_ed_and_sex_ed_on/
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I'm not racist my best friend growing up was black

Until my dad sold him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3h4d/im_not_racist_my_best_friend_growing_up_was_black/
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What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3f1y/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
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Selling a dead bird

Not going cheep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3cbe/selling_a_dead_bird/
%
Satan appeared at the front of the church

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3c4y/satan_appeared_at_the_front_of_the_church/
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"I stand corrected"

said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3bvc/i_stand_corrected/
%
Drown that bastard! No mercy!

Nana please... this is a baptism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3b3b/drown_that_bastard_no_mercy/
%
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?

Oh, dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i39ir/what_does_a_fish_say_when_it_runs_into_a_wall/
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I was having dinner with my boss and his wife, and she asked "How many potatoes would you like?"

I said, "I'll just have one please".
She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite."
"Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i39ec/i_was_having_dinner_with_my_boss_and_his_wife_and/
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She didn't wear a seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i37lh/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i36by/at_a_wedding_reception_the_best_man_said_would/
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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i368u/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_in_suspense/
%
This will be the fifth year in a row that my in-laws will come over for Christmas...

I think this time, we should let them in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i3663/this_will_be_the_fifth_year_in_a_row_that_my/
%
A German Tourist is on holiday and needed to buy some deoderant.

So he walks into a chemist and says "I vould like to buy ze deoderant."
Chemist says: "Ball or aerosol?"
Tourist: "No, I vant it for my armpits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i34wt/a_german_tourist_is_on_holiday_and_needed_to_buy/
%
I asked the barman why he wouldn't serve me. All he kept saying was, "Too drunk."

He should really stop drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i34e3/i_asked_the_barman_why_he_wouldnt_serve_me_all_he/
%
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i342h/a_5yearold_boy_went_to_visit_his_grandmother_one/
%
I dreamt about a horse last night.

It turned out to be a night mare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i2vxn/i_dreamt_about_a_horse_last_night/
%
Why was the Router released early from prison?

It had connections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i2u4a/why_was_the_router_released_early_from_prison/
%
Once, in a far away Amazonian tribe,

where all the houses were made of grass, the chief of the land wanted more splendour.
Fortunately, a large deposit of gold was found by his miners. The king ordered his subjects to make the gold into a massive throne, with inlaid jewels and a massive headrest.
The people laboured on for days and days, and it was eventually finished.
So the chief ruled for years and years, almost a decade, on his great golden throne, but he grew tired of its splendour and decided to bring back his old wooden seat, storing the throne in the attic of his grass mansion.
That night, there was an almighty crash from the chieftain's house. It turned out that the throne has broken through the ceiling, squashing the chief, killing him.
The moral of the story? People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i2qba/once_in_a_far_away_amazonian_tribe/
%
What did the man say to his wife when he failed to get an erection?

No hard feelings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i2q0t/what_did_the_man_say_to_his_wife_when_he_failed/
%
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i2prf/have_you_heard_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
%
A couple had been married for twenty years and whenever they had sex, the husband insisted on turning off the light.

Finally, after all this time, the wife thought it was stupid and decided she would take this unnecessary habit from her husband.
One night, while they made love, she suddenly turned on the lights and saw her husband with a dildo in his hand. She got mad with anger and frustration and shouted at him:
"You bastard, how could you lie to me during all these years?" You better explain yourself!
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and calmly said to her:
"Alright, I'll explain to you about the dildo if you explain to me about our three children."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i2n2e/a_couple_had_been_married_for_twenty_years_and/
%
A couple have a terrible accident and they both end up blind

The guy turns to his girlfriend and whispers in her ear:
I'm sorry, but we can't see each other anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i2lxe/a_couple_have_a_terrible_accident_and_they_both/
%
Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i2lkb/why_is_it_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
I hate when people talk behind my back.

They disscuss me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i2jg9/i_hate_when_people_talk_behind_my_back/
%
My girlfriend spends all her money on expensive perfumes..

I feel like she has no common scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i2gt9/my_girlfriend_spends_all_her_money_on_expensive/
%
I'm not gonna make fun of my grandfather's driving skills anymore.

Apparently parking zones disease is a real thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i2ehm/im_not_gonna_make_fun_of_my_grandfathers_driving/
%
If Adam and Eve were chinese they would have stayed in paradise

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i2e5g/if_adam_and_eve_were_chinese_they_would_have/
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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values...

Stuart said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i2cxu/two_guys_were_discussing_popular_family_trends_on/
%
Two nuns are driving along, and suddenly a bat lands on the windshield.

The two nuns look at each other, frightened.
"Spray it with the wiper fluid," says Sister Margaret. Sister Theresa tries it, but the bat doesn't move.
"Turn on the wipers, then," says Sister Margaret. Sister Theresa tries it, but the bat still manages to cling on to the windshield.
Sister Margaret is struck by a sudden idea. "I know what to do," she says. "Show him your cross!"
So Sister Theresa rolls down the window and sticks her head out. "Hey, asshole," she shouts. "Get off my damn windshield!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i2aba/two_nuns_are_driving_along_and_suddenly_a_bat/
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What do you say when leaving the Periodic Table of Elements' police station?

Cu Copper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i29lq/what_do_you_say_when_leaving_the_periodic_table/
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A man and his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i29k6/a_man_and_his_pet_monkey/
%
My true love and I are like parallel lines.

We will never meet and I will die alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i28dl/my_true_love_and_i_are_like_parallel_lines/
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I work in a deli and put my cock in the bagel slicer. I got fired...

... and so did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i26a3/i_work_in_a_deli_and_put_my_cock_in_the_bagel/
%
What instrument do Mexicans hate?

The TRUMPet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i21mk/what_instrument_do_mexicans_hate/
%
Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job.

I hope it's me this year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i20y7/well_its_getting_to_that_time_of_year_when_my/
%
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.

A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, If I catch you, you're mine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i20vn/there_is_an_overweight_guy_who_is_watching_tv/
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My grandmother voted Republican until the day she died.

Ever since then, she's voted Democrat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i20sb/my_grandmother_voted_republican_until_the_day_she/
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Do you know why Native American sex is so hot?

It's fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1yc4/do_you_know_why_native_american_sex_is_so_hot/
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Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1xsl/blonde_moments_life_with_a_blonde_teenage_daughter/
%
Where do werewolves live?

In werehouses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1vrn/where_do_werewolves_live/
%
What do you call a punch that can kill 20 kids and 6 adults?

A Sandy Hook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1vft/what_do_you_call_a_punch_that_can_kill_20_kids/
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[TRIGGER WARNING] If I had a dollar for every gender...

I would have 2 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1qx2/trigger_warning_if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1pqy/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
Husband takes the wife to a disco...

There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says, "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1nnk/husband_takes_the_wife_to_a_disco/
%
What's the difference between OP and eggs?

Eggs actually get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1mmk/whats_the_difference_between_op_and_eggs/
%
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face

as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, then forwards, then backwards again. Back and
forth, in and out, back and forth...
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed. Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"Okay, Okay! I can't park the bloody car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1kca/he_was_in_ecstasy_with_a_huge_smile_on_his_face/
%
I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".
I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"
Confused he said, "mate, I know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1hy2/i_was_playing_chess_with_my_australian_friend/
%
I got my kid a cat as a present, but it died before X-mas...

Now I'm stuck taking care of a cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1ee6/i_got_my_kid_a_cat_as_a_present_but_it_died/
%
I don't like drug tests...

They're not my cup of pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1dox/i_dont_like_drug_tests/
%
What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1cb2/what_does_a_nearsighted_gynecologist_and_a_puppy/
%
3 Vampires walk into a bar.

The first Vampire orders a pint of blood.
The second Vampire also orders a pint of Blood.
The third Vampire orders a pint of Water.
The 2 Vampires turn and look at the third and says "why have you ordered a pint of Water? You're a Vampire for Christ sake"
So the third Vampire pulls a used Tampon from his pocket, dips it in the water and replies "haven't you ever heard of a Tea Bag before?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1ca1/3_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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Police: Everything you say can and will be held against you

Criminal: Boobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1bkc/police_everything_you_say_can_and_will_be_held/
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why do nice girls always go for the assholes?

I don't even like pegging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i18t1/why_do_nice_girls_always_go_for_the_assholes/
%
Okay, so let me tell you about the idiots I work with...

First off, there's this girl that always follows me around like a puppy.  Which isn't so bad because she's pretty hot, but man is she *dumb*.  Like, really fucking dumb.  She has convinced herself she's going to be a professional model one day and... well I don't see it happening.  Needless to say, she's pretty useless at the office.
On the flipside, this other girl couldn't be more opposite.  She's fugly.  Like, hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way down straight-up displeasing.  And she has horrible taste too, so it's not like she even really tries.  She's pretty smart though, and I hate to admit it but we would probably go under if she stopped showing up to work.  She's valuable, but damn do I cringe nearly every time I have to talk to her.
And then there's this last guy... the stoner.  The idiot bakes before work, after work, I'm pretty sure even *during* work.  And to make it worse he brings his dog in with him so we have this bigass Great Dane running around all over the place stoned from the second-hand smoke
Anyway, I drive these fuckers around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i17nn/okay_so_let_me_tell_you_about_the_idiots_i_work/
%
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position.

One says, I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best. I don't think I have ever heard of that one, says the other cowboy. What is it? Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i17nf/two_cowboys_are_out_on_the_range_talking_about/
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First time with a condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i1758/first_time_with_a_condom/
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Three turtles

decided to have a cup of coffee.
Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain.
The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, "Go home and get the umbrella "
The little turtle replied " I'll,  if you don't drink my coffee ".
"We won't " the other two promised.
Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle, "well, i guess he isn't coming back, so i think we can drink his coffee "
Just then a voice called from outside the door, "if you do, i won't go"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i14tw/three_turtles/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun has only one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i14au/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
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What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?

I don't fuck a sandwich before I eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i12v7/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_sandwich/
%
Sometimes my girlfriend and i like to laugh about how competitive we are.

But i laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i11m3/sometimes_my_girlfriend_and_i_like_to_laugh_about/
%
A Janitor starts up his car.

"Broom broom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i10hp/a_janitor_starts_up_his_car/
%
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second. "Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i0vsv/three_boys_received_their_grades_from_their/
%
There was a little boy, sad that the mailman run over his frog

He decided to go to the whore house with his squished frog and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no. He said,"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, because that damn mailman is the son-of-a-bi*ch who ran over my FROG!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i0tqa/there_was_a_little_boy_sad_that_the_mailman_run/
%
I saw a kid getting bullied by 4 people, so I decided to help out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i0t35/i_saw_a_kid_getting_bullied_by_4_people_so_i/
%
Relationship are like algebra...

Do you ever look at your X and wonder Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i0sa9/relationship_are_like_algebra/
%
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i0rxm/a_united_states_marine_was_deployed_to_afghanistan/
%
A group of crows framed my friend, ultimately leading to his death

I swear I'll find the murder who criminalized him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i0nbo/a_group_of_crows_framed_my_friend_ultimately/
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Who do they bring in if the stand up comedian dies during the show?

A stand in comedian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i0ly4/who_do_they_bring_in_if_the_stand_up_comedian/
%
What's the best way to start an underwear presentation?

Start with a brief introduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i0lt7/whats_the_best_way_to_start_an_underwear/
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Do all black people have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine?
Edit 2: Holy god's teeth! Gold! Crossing that off the bucket list!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i0lng/do_all_black_people_have_a_problem_with_slavery/
%
What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Roll them into a tire and call it a goodyear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i0ehf/what_do_you_do_with_365_used_condoms/
%
How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool?

"Okay folks, time to get out of the pool!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i0d8x/how_do_you_get_20_canadians_out_of_a_pool/
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What do you call a bunny with a crooked dick?

FUCKS FUNNY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i0c26/what_do_you_call_a_bunny_with_a_crooked_dick/
%
What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks?

Redditors can’t take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i0769/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_two_dicks/
%
What should you do when people talk behind your back?

Fart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i05h2/what_should_you_do_when_people_talk_behind_your/
%
If the bird of peace if the dove, what's the bird of love?

The swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i01n1/if_the_bird_of_peace_if_the_dove_whats_the_bird/
%
I'm not fat

Just short for my weight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i0120/im_not_fat/
%
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

A Hippo is heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5i00vu/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly.

The remaining 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hzzu0/in_a_recent_online_survey_90_of_men_admitted_to/
%
I almost had a threesome today

I just needed 2 more girls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hzxlk/i_almost_had_a_threesome_today/
%
I know a guy who collects candy canes...

...they are all in mint condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hzx3y/i_know_a_guy_who_collects_candy_canes/
%
I got a Trophy Wife

but it was for participation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hzwqp/i_got_a_trophy_wife/
%
Last night, my Chevy was bitten by a vampire.

Now it's Vlad the Impala.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hzsdb/last_night_my_chevy_was_bitten_by_a_vampire/
%
Job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hzrns/job_interview/
%
How to spot a douchebag in the gym?

Really bad so he hurts himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hzpf6/how_to_spot_a_douchebag_in_the_gym/
%
Five years ago I asked the most beautiful girl in the world out on a date, today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hzmp4/five_years_ago_i_asked_the_most_beautiful_girl_in/
%
I'm quite fond of whiteboards...

they're quite remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hzlnd/im_quite_fond_of_whiteboards/
%
I have no idea where all these trebuchet jokes came from

then it hit me from 300 meters away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hzlew/i_have_no_idea_where_all_these_trebuchet_jokes/
%
A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him to a private school

All the sudden inthe private school his grades skyrocket up to A's. Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask,
"Why were you doing so bad in a
public school, and when we switched you to a
private school you did good?" The kid says,
"because I knew they were serious about school.
The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed
to a plus sign."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hzjwt/a_kid_is_flunking_a_public_school_so_his_parents/
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The Fart revenge

A wife is awakened everyday by her husband's massive farts. He's very proud of the fact that his farts sometimes scare the pets out of the room.  She keeps telling him to stop farting so hard, or one of these days his guts to blow up or something.
Tired of the situation she comes up with a plan.  She goes to the local butcher and asks  for 2 pounds of pig intestines to play a prank on him.  The following day she quietly puts the pig intestines right next to his ass, and goes to make the morning coffee, waiting for the morning fart with a smile on her face.
And sure enough, a thunderous fart can be heard all the way from the kitchen.  Two seconds later, a shrieking scream follows.  She immediately knows he found the intestines, and starts laughing.
She comes back to the room and finds her husband shaking, in a panic. "What happened," shes says. "Why the big scream?!?"
"Well," he says, "you were right.  I farted so hard that my guts exploded out of my ass.  But luckily I was able to move quickly and shoved them right back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hzawz/the_fart_revenge/
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A Russian joke

King Lion orders every animal to bring him some meat. The king hits  the head of everyone who doesn't bring any meat three times with his dick. Rabbit fails to hunt, so he brings a few cabbages. Lion hits him for the first time and Rabbit starts smiling, the king decides to hit him harder. After the second time Rabbit starts giggling, so Lion decides to hit him as hard as possible. After the third hit Rabbit bursts out laughing. Lion asks him:
"Why the hell are you laughing?"
"I've just reminded myself that Hedgehog is bringing a sack of apples."
____________________________________________________
As my English sucks, feel free to suggest edits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hz6nq/a_russian_joke/
%
A blind man walks into a bar with his sight dog..

He then takes the dog and starts spinning it around by the tail. The bartender asks "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" The blind man replies "Just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hz3cw/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_sight_dog/
%
Two guys walk into a bar

You would think the second guy would have ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hz25i/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hz0yx/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
%
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

It's two tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hyx24/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
%
A man walks into Specsavers

and says to the salesman:
'Can you recommend a pair of glasses that reflect my persona and are stylish?'
The salesman looks at him and hands him a pair of glasses 'These will probably suit you.'
The man takes the glasses and is about to try them on, pauses and says, 'They do look really good. How much?'
'2500 € to you.'
'What? Are you serious?!'
'Just try them on, Sir.'
So he does. Suddenly, the salesman is naked. He is amazed. He takes them off an the salesman is fully clothed again. He puts them back on and the saleswoman further down is naked. He takes them off and she is clothed again.
'Holy shit, these things are amazing. Worth 2500 € of any ones money!' and buys them.
He can't believe it, he takes the bus home, and everyone on the bus is naked - some are nice views and some not so nice. But great fun.
He gets home, opens the door and walks into the living room, where he sees his wife and best friend sitting totally naked on the couch. He has a laugh and takes the glasses off. They are both still naked.
'Fucking typical!' he exclaims, 'Expensive to all hell, half an hour later they've stopped working!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hyv46/a_man_walks_into_specsavers/
%
This girl at my work told everyone her boyfriend gave her a fingering.

And somehow that makes him her fiancé.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hyugo/this_girl_at_my_work_told_everyone_her_boyfriend/
%
The lesbians next door asked what what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hyt1n/the_lesbians_next_door_asked_what_what_i_would/
%
How to you embarrasses an archaeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask what period its from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hyrix/how_to_you_embarrasses_an_archaeologist/
%
Why don't drug addicts hang out at the beach?

They don't like getting sand in their crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hypom/why_dont_drug_addicts_hang_out_at_the_beach/
%
I met an alien who couldn't stop swearing...

He was an Extra Tourettes-trial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hyp38/i_met_an_alien_who_couldnt_stop_swearing/
%
All feminine hygiene products now on sale for HALF PRICE

But hurry - it's just for the Christmas period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hyo4a/all_feminine_hygiene_products_now_on_sale_for/
%
Don't smoke kids...

Because smoking kids is illegal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hygak/dont_smoke_kids/
%
How many dead memes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Twenty-one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hyfml/how_many_dead_memes_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Dark humor is a lot like cancer

Grown ups mainly get it but sometimes kids get it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hyed8/dark_humor_is_a_lot_like_cancer/
%
I want to start a competitor website to Farmers Only...

I want to start a competitor website to Farmers Only. I wanted to call it eFarmony, but I realized that there's a way better name.
Attractor. Where technology and love combine. Meet someone on a tractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hyald/i_want_to_start_a_competitor_website_to_farmers/
%
I love to sleep naked.

...And that's why I am banned from flying united airlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hy69u/i_love_to_sleep_naked/
%
One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody.

At least, that's what my cell mate tells me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hy5ud/one_of_the_most_wonderful_things_in_life_is_to/
%
What did the soldier use to season his fries?

A salt rifle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hy49h/what_did_the_soldier_use_to_season_his_fries/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hy1gw/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
An Indian Chief was taking a week off in Las Vegas

After just two days, he had gambled away all his funds, so he sent a smoke signal back to his tribe asking them to wire him more money.
The tribe signalled back, saying "No way, you're being reckless with your money and we're not sending you any more!"
Just then, a nuclear bomb was detonated in the Nevada desert. The Chief watched in awe as the gigantic mushroom cloud reached toward the sky.
Then, further in the distance, he saw a tiny plume of smoke that said "OK, we'll send you more money! No need to scream like that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hy0c7/an_indian_chief_was_taking_a_week_off_in_las_vegas/
%
I was made to do big things

Such as your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxyyb/i_was_made_to_do_big_things/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because i put the wrong socks on today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxxef/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
What's white and kills you if it enters your eye?

An airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxv0i/whats_white_and_kills_you_if_it_enters_your_eye/
%
What’s the definition of a will?

(Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxu5l/whats_the_definition_of_a_will/
%
I was furious when I found my wife's profile on a dating website

That lying bitch isn't "fun to be around"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxtfy/i_was_furious_when_i_found_my_wifes_profile_on_a/
%
Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxtcl/today_i_asked_the_hot_girl_at_my_gym_what_her_new/
%
I have been working on some jokes about Parkinson's disease.

But the punch lines are all a bit shakey at best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxsbm/i_have_been_working_on_some_jokes_about/
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I'm trying my best to give up using sexual innuendos....

But it's SO hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxpuk/im_trying_my_best_to_give_up_using_sexual/
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3 virgin daughters

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxo66/3_virgin_daughters/
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I've just noticed my wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing

She's behind with the washing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxjya/ive_just_noticed_my_wife_is_wearing_her_sexy/
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Why are ballerinas so vigilant?

They are always kept on their toes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxhuz/why_are_ballerinas_so_vigilant/
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One of my molars just said I'm handsome.

I love having a sweet tooth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxguj/one_of_my_molars_just_said_im_handsome/
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Mom & the gravy ladle.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you DID take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did NOT take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you DO sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do NOT sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxgku/mom_the_gravy_ladle/
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A stormtrooper just got sent to the firing squad.

He will be missed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxf2l/a_stormtrooper_just_got_sent_to_the_firing_squad/
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What's the difference between a high and drunk driver?

The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxe12/whats_the_difference_between_a_high_and_drunk/
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A vulture tries to board a plane whilst carrying a dead rabbit under his wing.

The flight attendant stops him, shaking his head.
"Sorry sir, you can't bring that on here. No carrion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxazc/a_vulture_tries_to_board_a_plane_whilst_carrying/
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What do you call an overweight bounty hunter?

Boba Fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hxak7/what_do_you_call_an_overweight_bounty_hunter/
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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal!"
The trucker replies, "Listen, Ma'am- I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hx9yk/a_trucker_who_has_been_out_on_the_road_for_two/
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I asked a Jewish person what they do in their spare time

Apparently Hebrews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hx8x7/i_asked_a_jewish_person_what_they_do_in_their/
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How do you make a dead baby float?

Easy!
Just add Root beer and Ice Cream!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hx4q2/how_do_you_make_a_dead_baby_float/
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Did you hear about the fortune teller that cheated at cards?

I guess that's how the tarotists win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hx3uz/did_you_hear_about_the_fortune_teller_that/
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Great Romanian joke

A bit on the long side, but stick with it, it's worth it!
The bunny rabbit wakes up one Sunday morning with an extreme craving to eat pancakes. This desire cannot wait and the forest diner is closed on Sundays, so he decides to hop all the way to the grocery store (25 min away). He gets there and buys everything he needs: cooking oil, pancake batter, four types of jam, Canadian maple syrup, butter, the works. As soon as he gets home though, he realizes he had forgotten that his frying pan was very old and ended up getting completely ruined last time he used it, and thinks to himself:
"Damn it! I really don't want to hop all that way and back again, it's almost an hour. Wait! the bear lives only 5 minutes away, he eats tons of food, and I know he has a bunch of frying pans, surely he won't mind lending me one!"
So he heads out to the bear's place. On the way, he starts thinking:
"You know, maybe the bear will want some of the pancakes since he's lending me a frying pan. Well, I guess that's fair, I mean, I couldn't make the pancakes without his frying pan. Out of the 15 pancakes I can make with the stuff I bought, I guess I can give him 5. Yeah, 10 will be more than enough for me.
"Hmm... well, the bear is much bigger than me, so what if he wants more than 5 pancakes? Well... I don't know, I guess that's all right. I don't usually eat much and I'll probably be fine if I eat just a few... So if he wants 10, well, 5 should be enough for me! I really only have this craving, and if I eat only a couple, it will probably go away (as they say, a lot more exciting at first...)
"Hmm... well... what if he wants more than 10? I mean, he's much bigger than me, it's not like I can do anything if he decides to just have them. If he says he wants to help out because he wants to eat some too, I can't really say no, after all, he is lending me a frying pan. But then he can come back with me and while we make them, he could just eat pancake after pancake and I can be left with nothing! I mean, what's the big deal, why can't he just lend me a damn frying pan for 20 damn minutes, he's got tons of them?? I always try to help him out if he asks for something, why can't he do the same?!"
Just about this time he gets to the bear's place. Knocks on the door, bear opens.
"You know what, bear? Fuck you, and fuck your frying pan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hx2lu/great_romanian_joke/
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac...

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench outside a mental ward.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it!" exclaimed the sadist.
"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, and then kill it," suggested the murderer.
"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again, then set it on fire," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over as each of the men pondered the fantasy.
Finally, the masochist opened his mouth and said:
"Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwup2/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
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NSFW Dad walks into a room

And sees his daughter masturbating with a carrot.
"Daamn" - he says: "I was going to eat that later! And now it's gonna taste like carrots!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwtnx/nsfw_dad_walks_into_a_room/
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I once heard this joke about corn

It was a-maizeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwrre/i_once_heard_this_joke_about_corn/
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Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a guy with no arms standing next to a urinal.

As Bob takes care of his business, he wonders how the poor soul is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and heads for the door, but figures he should ask the man if he needs help.
''Oh yes please!" the armless man cries. "You have a kind heart, sir."
But as Bob unzips the man, and pulls his willy out, he encounters all kinds of red bumps, lumps, moles, scabs, scars, and other unpleasant-looking things.
The armless man asks Bob to point it... then shake it, put it back and zip it. So Bob, gathers his courage, shuts his eyes and does so.
''Thank you very much, sir!'' says the armless man.
''No problem,'' says Bob ''but what the hell is wrong with your penis?''
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says ''I don't know, but I sure ain't touching it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwqtp/bob_walks_into_a_public_bathroom_and_notices_a/
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Why don't black people go on cruises?

they won't fall for that one again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwqrv/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
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My girlfriend wouldn't let me play orchestral music during sex...

We eventually came to an arrangement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwqot/my_girlfriend_wouldnt_let_me_play_orchestral/
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I'm 22 years old now and my eyesight is worsening,...

...at what point do I get adult supervision?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwqdl/im_22_years_old_now_and_my_eyesight_is_worsening/
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First thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet

Women:
"Eeww! That's horrible; I must get cleaning equipment before I can use this."
Men:
"Hmmm... Can I remove this with the contents of my bladder?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwp38/first_thought_when_coming_across_a_skid_mark_in/
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Just found out that Norway has the highest cost of living in Europe...

There's Norway I could A-Fjord to live there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwp01/just_found_out_that_norway_has_the_highest_cost/
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A monk takes a vow of silence.

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold." the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Bed hard." the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well," the head monk replied, "I'm not surprised. You've  done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwons/a_monk_takes_a_vow_of_silence/
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Yo' mama is so fat,

when she walked by the TV I missed 3 episodes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwn8b/yo_mama_is_so_fat/
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What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwn82/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_jesus/
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How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.
LADDER. I MEANT LADDER.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwmih/how_many_freudian_analysts_does_it_take_to_change/
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwlun/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
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What's the difference between a mathematician and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwkpc/whats_the_difference_between_a_mathematician_and/
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I finally found a girlfriend

and when I did I got really pumped. Sadly after a year in the storage she needed a lot of pumping as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwjgx/i_finally_found_a_girlfriend/
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Doctor, can you have a look at my penis...

Doctor: I don't see anything wrong with it?
I know it's magnificent isn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwhtb/doctor_can_you_have_a_look_at_my_penis/
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A Russian goes for an eye check up

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwhig/a_russian_goes_for_an_eye_check_up/
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Remember that you are unique.

Just like everyone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwgly/remember_that_you_are_unique/
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A talking dog...

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwgcu/a_talking_dog/
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I love you marble

But I won't take you for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwg8m/i_love_you_marble/
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99 little bugs in the code...

99 little bugs!
Take one down, patch it around,
117 little bugs in the code!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwf89/99_little_bugs_in_the_code/
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I was walking down the street with my wife and she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.

“That’s total bollocks” I replied, by text, from across the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hweqx/i_was_walking_down_the_street_with_my_wife_and/
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A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field so he asks his sheep dog to count them.

The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs backto his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "I rounded them up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwdoh/a_farmer_is_wondering_how_many_sheep_he_has_in/
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A guy goes to the local supermarket

and notices a beautiful blonde who smiles and then waves at him. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from, but she keeps smiling at him, so he walks over and asks "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you are the father of one of my kids".
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says "Oh my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching?"
She replies, "No, I'm your son's kindergarten teacher".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwcof/a_guy_goes_to_the_local_supermarket/
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I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwbgz/i_have_an_image_of_jesus_that_pops_up_on_my/
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How did a bit travel from the CPU to the HDD?

It took the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwb19/how_did_a_bit_travel_from_the_cpu_to_the_hdd/
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"No, Dave, you're not going down the pub tonight!"

Dave: "I'll be fine. Don't worry"
Mary: "Every time you go to the pub you get too pissed and you're sick on yourself"
Dave: "Don't worry, I'm only going for one. I promise."
...
So Dave is 4 drinks in and he tells the lads he has to leave.
Dave: "You know why.  I'm always sick on myself when I get too pissed. Mary will kick me out if I do that again."
Mike: "Don't worry. Put £20 in your top pocket. When you get home you say someone threw up on you and gave you £20 for the dry cleaning."
Dave agrees, staggers home at 2am, with sick down his shirt and knocks loudly on the door.
Mary: "What the fuck, Dave. You promised!"
Dave:  "Wait, I can explain. A man threw up on me and put £20 in my top pocket, look."
Dave pulls two £20 notes out of his top pocket.
Mary: "What's the other £20 for then?"
Dave: "That's from the guy that shit my pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwaqm/no_dave_youre_not_going_down_the_pub_tonight/
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Quick question...

How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hwalo/quick_question/
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Why do Jewish men get circumcised ?

Cause Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hw8a1/why_do_jewish_men_get_circumcised/
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Why do riot police get to work early?

To beat the crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hw807/why_do_riot_police_get_to_work_early/
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What does a whistle-blower do during a Russian blizzard?

Nothing, he's Snowden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hw641/what_does_a_whistleblower_do_during_a_russian/
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A little girl asks her mother why her name is Feather

"You see, daughter - when you were born, a feather blew in through the window and landed on your head." she replies.
"Then why is my name Leaf?" Asked her little brother. "You see," replied his mother - "when you were born, a leaf blew in through the window and landed on your head."
In comes the youngest brother, and yells:
"BLARRRG BLARR BLARR!"
His mother calmly replies,
"Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hw62q/a_little_girl_asks_her_mother_why_her_name_is/
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Whats the difference between a gorilla and a guillotine?

No one gets their dick out for a guillotine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hw0j8/whats_the_difference_between_a_gorilla_and_a/
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Two cannibals are eating a clown...

...and one asks the other, "does this taste funny to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hw0h6/two_cannibals_are_eating_a_clown/
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Tampax has announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel.

This is for the Christmas period only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hw0gf/tampax_has_announced_that_they_will_be_taking_the/
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Anniversary Gift

A man comes home from his day and it is his wedding anniversary.  His wife is eagerly waiting for him to arrive home.  He comes through the door and says, "happy anniversary," and hands his wife an envelope.  She opens it excitedly and reads the letter inside.  She gets a look of confusion on her face and asks, "what is this?"  The husband responds, "funeral plots.  It's a good investment for us for the future if we ever need to sell it but I see it as we will be buried side by side one day." The wife isn't thrilled but appreciates the gesture and thanks him for the thoughtful gesture.
A year passes and the husband comes home again, anniversary day.  This time, he comes through the door and carries on business as usual.  The wife doesn't understand and asks, "honey, did you get me anything for our anniversary?"
"I would but you haven't used the gift I bought you last year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hvwke/anniversary_gift/
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This is for my people!

Once upon a time, four men were on top of a building.
One was Latino, one black, one white, one Native American.
They stepped up together and climbed up on to the ledge.
The crowd, gathered below, hoped no one fell off the edge.
Suddenly, the Latino raised his arms an' yelled out
"This is for my people!" and jumped, splatting against the ground.
The crowd gasped; the ladies shrieked. Confusion and panic everywhere, son.
As they tried to understand the moment, life threw them another one.
The Black man raised his arms up and screamed
"This is for my people!" and wouldn't you believe,
he jumped right off and died right there.
Little pieces of him were everywhere.
The crowd was in tears; they were horrified.
I suppose it's hard watching people die.
Well, the Native American was up now and bravely he stood.
He yelled "This is for my people!" as loud as he could
and pushed the white man off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hvr7p/this_is_for_my_people/
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What does a suicide bomber say when he's teaching class?

Pay attention! I'm only going to show this once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hvpwu/what_does_a_suicide_bomber_say_when_hes_teaching/
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A man goes on vacation...

And calls up his buddy to see if he'll watch over the house and, more importantly, the cat.
"Sure thing, Jim! You know I love Tiger! You just enjoy your trip and I'll call you if anything pops up."
Two days later, Jim is sunbathing on a cruise ship when his phone rings. He recognizes his buddy's number and answers the phone.
"Jim... I'm not sure how to tell you this... Tiger died yesterday. He ran out the front door and was hit by a car."
After a moment for the shock to wear off, Jim finally composes himself.
"Thanks for letting me know, but you really could have softened the blow for me. Tiger was my everything you know."
"Well... how should I have gone about telling you in a better way?" The friend asks.
"It's simple actually. You call on the first day and say 'Tiger is on the roof and I can't get him down.' Then, the next day, you call again and say 'Tiger fell off the roof, but I took him to the vet and it looks like he's going to be ok.' The next update would be 'Tiger took a turn for the worse, but there is still hope for a recovery.' And finally, you call the next day and say 'Tiger passed away peacefully in his sleep.'"
"Wow," his buddy says, "I really should have done this. I am so sorry for just dumping it on you, but I want you to know that you should still enjoy your vacation and I'll be here for you when you return."
After thanking him, Jim goes back to enjoying his cruise, the news about Tiger slowly fading from his mind.
Three days later, Jim's phone rings, again coming from his friend.
"What's up?" Jim asks.
"I just wanted to let you know that your mother is on the roof and I can't get her down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hvp8j/a_man_goes_on_vacation/
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My GF lost 250 pounds.

She dumped me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hvnd0/my_gf_lost_250_pounds/
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Bunny and the Bear

A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. "I wish...that all the other bears in this forest were female." The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. "I wish...that all the other bears in this country to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it. The bear looked at the bunny and said, "You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!" Then he asked for his last wish. "I wish...that all the other bears in this world to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, "I wish this bear was gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hvn83/bunny_and_the_bear/
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Asian and American Man

Asian guy is having a snack of bread and jam when an American man chuckling chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Asian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
American: "You Asian folks eat the whole bread??"
Asian (in a bad mood): "Of course."
American: "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and export them to Asia."   The American has a smirk on his face. The Asia listens in silence.
The American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??"
Asian : "Of Course."
American: "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and export them to Asia ."
The Asian ( pissed of) then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.
Asian : And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
American: "We throw them away, of course."
Asian : "We don't. In Asia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and export them to America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hvm7d/asian_and_american_man/
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My new year resolution is

1024x768.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hvjf5/my_new_year_resolution_is/
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Goldfish

One day, baby goldfish went to ask him father :
"Dad, why do our memories only last for 3 seconds?"
"What son?"
"What?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hvjd4/goldfish/
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My coworkers are fucking retarded children.

Surely thats illegal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hvhoy/my_coworkers_are_fucking_retarded_children/
%
My Chinese friend got really sick one day

I went to the hospital to see how he's doin, but he just kept whispering “Yang qi guan! Yang qi guan! Yang qi guan!" over and over – and then died.
I was very sad and a few days later I googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hvffg/my_chinese_friend_got_really_sick_one_day/
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Wife calls her scientist husband...

"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."
"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"
"Whats that?"
"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH  with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."
"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hvcfg/wife_calls_her_scientist_husband/
%
Ever since I got my antivirus check done on my computer.

Single Asian ladies don't wanna do it with me anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hvaiz/ever_since_i_got_my_antivirus_check_done_on_my/
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"Dmytry! I take my hat off to you!"

"You and Sarah have been married for 50 years, whenever I see you walking around town you are still holding hands!
Well." Dmytry began
"If I let her go she will surely buy something!"
Translated from Russian, sorry if I made mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hv7a2/dmytry_i_take_my_hat_off_to_you/
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Children with gay fathers as parents, I seriously sympathize you all

It's not easy growing up with twice the dad jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hv4lo/children_with_gay_fathers_as_parents_i_seriously/
%
After the title "The Fate of the Furious", I just need next 2 movies to be titled

Fast *nein* : The Fast and the *Furher*ious
Fast10 : your seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hv2sl/after_the_title_the_fate_of_the_furious_i_just/
%
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
Edit 2: Thank you kind stranger for giving me my first gold on a poop joke, I wouldn't have expected it any other way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hv28d/i_tried_to_explain_to_my_4_year_old_son_that_its/
%
My ex-girlfriend had a lazy eye

Turns out she was seeing someone on the side the whole time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hv1zy/my_exgirlfriend_had_a_lazy_eye/
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How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb?

The answer may shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hv0rp/how_many_clickbait_articles_does_it_take_to/
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5huwuu/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
%
Police Officer: "Can you identify yourself, Sir"?

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hutp7/police_officer_can_you_identify_yourself_sir/
%
A man is walking around a costume party dressed in green with a woman on his shoulder

When asked what he was he said he was a tortoise. Then when asked about the woman he replied "she's Michelle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5huo3f/a_man_is_walking_around_a_costume_party_dressed/
%
A man is pulled over for speeding.

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hukg5/a_man_is_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5huh6i/how_did_rihanna_find_out_chris_brown_was_cheating/
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A Blonde, Brunette and Redhead win a competition.

To stay in a large 5 star mansion for a weekend and get pampered the whole time while they're there.
When they arrive they are greeted by a jester at the door,
The jester explains that their rooms are at the top floor of the building and that there's 50 stairs between ground floor and the floor they're staying in.
For every stair they step up, the jester will tell them a joke, if they laugh or even smile they will be forced to go home and pay for their tickets home.
As they move up the staircase they hit stair number 10 the brunette gets sent home for laughing at a joke, leaving only the redhead and the blonde.
At stair 35 the Redhead begins to crack a smile at one of the Jester's dirty jokes, leaving only the blonde remaining.
At the 49th floor, the blonde just starts roaring with laughter,
The jester says: "What are you laughing at? I haven't even told the joke yet. You only had to hold out 1 more floor"
The Blonde replies: "I know I know, but I only just got the first one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hugbh/a_blonde_brunette_and_redhead_win_a_competition/
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Jake goes to an auction and bids the highest on Dave's painting of a Horse eating grass.

The painting is to be delivered to Jake's house by next day.
Jake receives the painting next day and uncovers it. To his surprise, the so called painting is just a empty white paint board. There was no art on it.
Jake, paying $100,000 for the painting, panics and calls Dave to get some answers.
Jake asks, "Hello Dave, I believe you sent me the incorrect item. I received a plain white board. There is no horse eating grass art on it"
To which Dave replies,  "No I did send you the correct item, do you see my signature on  the bottom right corner?"
Jack acknowledges the signature and says "well I sure do but what happen to the art then?"
Dave then tries to put some sense into Jake by explaining him what happened.
"Well you see my friend, the horse ate all the grass which is why you don't see any grass there"
Jake, very furious, yells "Ok then where the fuck is the horse!?"
"Hah, funny guy! Why would the horse stick around if there is no more grass left?" *hangs up*
Dave, the Con Artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hub4q/jake_goes_to_an_auction_and_bids_the_highest_on/
%
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hu90n/a_group_of_chess_enthusiasts_checked_into_a_hotel/
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What do you call an avocado cut up into 6.022*10^23 times?

Guacamole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hu7rm/what_do_you_call_an_avocado_cut_up_into_60221023/
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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hu7aa/jesus_christ_fed_2000_people_with_5_loaves_of/
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By telling the punchline first

How do you fuck up a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hu6qf/by_telling_the_punchline_first/
%
So a neutron walks into a bar

He asks the bartender "how much for drink?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hu66y/so_a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
%
This lady walks into the bank…

This lady walks into the bank.
She notices it's a pretty long line for the teller, and she has to go to the bathroom.
She's new to the bank, so she asks for help and an employee points her to the ladies room.
When she gets in there she notices that all of the stalls have glass walls, which kind of freaks her out, so goes back into the lobby and asks to speak to the manager.
She explains the situation to him, and he says to her... "oh, didn't you know, this is a PNC Bank?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hu44u/this_lady_walks_into_the_bank/
%
I think i just wrote a joke out of my pathetic love life while fixing supper and here it goes. What does a bachelor eat the most?

Balonely sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hu3jr/i_think_i_just_wrote_a_joke_out_of_my_pathetic/
%
A man walks into the bar

But fails since he was too busy drinking through law school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hu34u/a_man_walks_into_the_bar/
%
Three Georgians are having a discussion about shitty situations.

Georgian 1: you know what's a shitty situation? I'm standing at a bus terminal and in front of me is a gorgeous woman. Her breasts are plump. Her ass is (muah) a peach. The bus comes. The bus goes and the woman is gone.
Georgian 2: naww. Let me tell you a shitty situation. I'm at a bus terminal and in front of me are three gorgeous women. Their breasts are plump. Their asses are (muah) peaches. The bus comes. The bus leaves and the women are no longer there. That's a shitty situation.
Georgian 3: fellas, imagine I'm standing at a bus terminal. In front of me are three tall, burly, muscular, gay men. And my ass is (muah) a peach. And there's no bus in sight.
(Tried to translate from a different language)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htzuc/three_georgians_are_having_a_discussion_about/
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Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups?

Because they can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htznf/why_do_teenage_girls_travel_in_odd_numbered_groups/
%
How do you circumcise a whale?

You need four skin divers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htzmd/how_do_you_circumcise_a_whale/
%
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htzis/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_fetus/
%
How can you tell the sex of an ant?

Throw it into a pool. If it sinks, it is a girl ant. If it floats, then it is a "BUOYANT".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htwkn/how_can_you_tell_the_sex_of_an_ant/
%
My friend kees saying ' cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole of water'

I know he means well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htsjt/my_friend_kees_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
%
a bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks "do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?". Rabbit replies, "no, not at all".
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htrl6/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_taking_a_shit_in_the_woods/
%
How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor?

poop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htr4j/how_can_you_tell_if_you_have_a_mature_or_an/
%
Went to my old tennis coach's funeral last week.

His death was tragic but the service was lovely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htpsj/went_to_my_old_tennis_coachs_funeral_last_week/
%
how many black live matters protester does it take to screw in a light bulb?

no one knows it was too dark to see them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htmbv/how_many_black_live_matters_protester_does_it/
%
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, but the third lady's arm was too short to reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htke1/three_old_ladies_were_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
Every time I drink German beer

I wake up with a really bad Hannover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htiz1/every_time_i_drink_german_beer/
%
Did you hear about that Native American who drank ten cups of tea one night?

They found him dead the next day in his teepee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htihe/did_you_hear_about_that_native_american_who_drank/
%
A boy loses an eye

A boy who loses his eye from an accident goes to the doctor gets a wooden replacement. Of course, he is extremely self-conscious about his new wooden eye and doesn't make an effort to ask out any of the girls in school.
One day a new girl walks in and he notices she has a harelip. He figures they can relate to each other and perhaps become friends. They get to know each other and the boy gets to the point where he musters the courage to ask the girl on a date.
The girl is so excited and happy she can hardly believe it. "Would I? WOULD I?", she exclaims. The boy, crushed by this, screams back, "HARELIP! HARELIP!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htgzz/a_boy_loses_an_eye/
%
My ceramics teacher was excellent.

Day after day, she was always kiln it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htg20/my_ceramics_teacher_was_excellent/
%
A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a rectal thermometer

"Ugh, some asshole's got my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htdiz/a_nurse_goes_to_write_something_down_reaches_into/
%
A man goes to his doctor about his terrible farts

"Doctor, I have terrible gas. I keep making these weird farts: they are constant and really loud but they don't smell."
So the doctor says: "Alright, take these pills and come back and see me in a week."
A week later the man comes back.
"Doctor, these pills have just made the farts worse! Now they are the foulest things I've ever smelt in my life!"
"Great, now that we've fixed your sense of smell, we can start to work on stopping your farts."
-----
This was my grandpa's favourite joke. He was a big fan of fart humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5htd4v/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor_about_his_terrible_farts/
%
What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and the newspaper?

Lindsay Lohan never reads the newspaper in jail, but the newspaper always reads "Lindsay Lohan in jail"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hta57/whats_the_difference_between_lindsay_lohan_and/
%
A leper goes down town and tried to get lucky

He meets a prostitute and asked her how much for two hours, she replies saying
"Oh honey it's usually 30 bucks but looking at how you are that'll be around 55 dollars no offense."
"Okay that's fine."
So after two hours when everything is all said and done. She asks for the cash the leper hands her three twenty dollar bills saying
"Keep the tip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ht9qr/a_leper_goes_down_town_and_tried_to_get_lucky/
%
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ht88i/what_happens_to_a_frogs_car_when_it_breaks_down/
%
How did Jesus get so ripped?

By doing Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ht7u9/how_did_jesus_get_so_ripped/
%
"So did you hear Bruce Willis passed away?"

"Really? How?"
"Suicide. Overdosed on Viagra and Cialis."
"That's terrible!"
"Well, he always wanted to Die Hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ht6os/so_did_you_hear_bruce_willis_passed_away/
%
A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide.........

Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ht698/a_man_goes_to_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
%
A man and a woman

are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ht5sx/a_man_and_a_woman/
%
On our honeymoon, more than anything, I wanted to join the Mile High Club...

...but my wife didn't give a flying fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ht5jx/on_our_honeymoon_more_than_anything_i_wanted_to/
%
Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ht50p/ordered_some_christmas_presents_online_the_other/
%
My doctor told me I had to quit masturbating

Turns out it was because he was trying to examine me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ht44w/my_doctor_told_me_i_had_to_quit_masturbating/
%
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?

You wave hello!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ht1na/how_do_you_get_a_one_armed_blonde_out_of_a_tree/
%
Why is the algorithms lecturer so fat?

Because he always minimises the running time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hszp4/why_is_the_algorithms_lecturer_so_fat/
%
My mum said I couldn't go out past 12.

My teenage years are going to be very lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hstwl/my_mum_said_i_couldnt_go_out_past_12/
%
A man with his pants pockets full of golf balls gets on a bus...

A man with his pants pockets full of golf balls gets on a bus and sits next to a blonde woman.  The blonde woman notices his pants are bulging near his crotch area and keeps looking down towards his crotch.  The man notices her staring at his crotch so he turns to her and she quickly turns hear head.  After the man looks away from the blonde woman he notices out of the corner of his eye she is again staring at his crotch.
Finally he says to her "they're just golf balls lady, there's nothing to be concerned about!"
The woman looks the man in the eyes and looks away with a confused look on her face and after a few seconds of silence she again turns towards the man and responds "does it hurt as bad as 'tennis elbow'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hsqkg/a_man_with_his_pants_pockets_full_of_golf_balls/
%
A little bird was dying on a cold snowy field.

A cow was passing by and dropped some dung on it. The dung wormed the bird and it felt nice and warm so the bird started to  sing with joy. A passing cat heard the singing of the bird. The cat found the bird and got it out of the dung. Then it ate the bird.
The moral of the story:
Not everyone who shits on you is your foe, not everyone who gets you out from the shit is your friend and if you're in deep shit you better shut your mouth.
This was translated from russian and I'm sorry if it already posted before. Shit to all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hskg2/a_little_bird_was_dying_on_a_cold_snowy_field/
%
A man goes into a bar...

He approaches the bar and asks for five shots of tequila.
"What's the occasion?" Asks the batman.
"First blowjob" replies the man.
The barman smiles,
"Have a sixth," he says "on the house"
"That's okay," the man replies "if five doesn't get the taste out of my mouth a sixth isn't gonna help."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hsim2/a_man_goes_into_a_bar/
%
Why do tampons have strings?

So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hsgci/why_do_tampons_have_strings/
%
A man goes to the dentist for a check-up

"Uh oh" the dentist says, "looks like your denture plate is eroding a bit. Have you been eating any new foods lately?"
The man thinks for a moment and says "you know, my wife has been using a lot of hollandaise sauce lately. She's been putting it on every dish."
"Ah, that explains it" the dentist replies. "We'll have to make you a new denture plate, but this one will need to be made of chrome."
"Chrome?" The man asks in surprise. "Why chrome?"
"Well, you know what they say", replies the dentist.
"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hsf6i/a_man_goes_to_the_dentist_for_a_checkup/
%
A man who has lost an eye wants to go to the town ball

He is very self concious about his eye but is too poor to buy a glass one. Eventually he finds a wooden eye that he can afford and goes to the ball.
After a while he sees a woman sitting by herself with a very large nose and noticies no one is asking her to dance.
He goes up and says "Excuse me miss would you like to dance with me?"
Excitedly she replies "Oh would I, would I!"
Angrily the man yells "Well big nose, big nose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hsemh/a_man_who_has_lost_an_eye_wants_to_go_to_the_town/
%
What did Tom hanks do in the woods?

He took a forrest dump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hsayd/what_did_tom_hanks_do_in_the_woods/
%
There's an old saying that goes: "The one who plants tamarinds, won't harvest tamarinds"

This is because this tree takes about 80-90 years to bear fruits.
Once, a young man found an old man planting tamarinds and he asked:
Grandpa, why are you planting tamarinds if you're never gonna harvest them?
Wisely, the older replied with a big smile:
Why don't you go and fuck yourself? This orchard is mine and I plant whatever the fuck I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hsa46/theres_an_old_saying_that_goes_the_one_who_plants/
%
How many eye doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, or two? One, or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hs7zt/how_many_eye_doctors_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A photon stops at a hotel and is asked: "May I take your luggage?"

He replies, "No, thanks. I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hryzv/a_photon_stops_at_a_hotel_and_is_asked_may_i_take/
%
So a lady and four cowboys are playing poker...

They're all sitting on a round table when suddenly the lady farts,the 1st cowboy says he did it because he didn't want the lady to be embarrassed. So a while passes and the lady farts again,but this time the 2nd cowboy takes the blame because,again,he doesn't want to embarras the lady. Short time passes and the lady farts again,so now the 3rd cowboy takes the blame.After a while the 4th cowboy stands up and says "I'm going to the bathroom if the lady farts again say it was me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hrxqn/so_a_lady_and_four_cowboys_are_playing_poker/
%
I got a job at a circle making factory!

Sadly, I was fired today because I was cutting corners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hrx4x/i_got_a_job_at_a_circle_making_factory/
%
A critic goes to an art gallery and finds the artist of the pieces there.

Critic: "Would you like to know what I think of your art?"
Artist: "Oh, yes please"
Critic: "It's useless"
Artist: "I know, but I would still like to hear it. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hrs25/a_critic_goes_to_an_art_gallery_and_finds_the/
%
Which rapist was a famous mathematician?

Bill cos(b)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hroy4/which_rapist_was_a_famous_mathematician/
%
Where do pens and pencils go on vacation?

Pennsylvania

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hrotr/where_do_pens_and_pencils_go_on_vacation/
%
Two drunk men are walking down the street when they see a pile of dog shit.

One of them says "Bet you 100 dollars you can't eat that shit." The other agrees, eats the shit, and gets his 100 dollars.
A bit further down the road they see another pile of dog shit. "I bet you 100 dollars you can't eat that shit" says the second. The first takes him up on it, eats the shit, and gets his money back.
He thinks a bit and says: "I have a hunch that we just ate a bunch of shit for free".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hrnl3/two_drunk_men_are_walking_down_the_street_when/
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What is a witch's least favorite food?

Burnt steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hrklp/what_is_a_witchs_least_favorite_food/
%
What do you call someone who can't do anything?

HR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hrkf6/what_do_you_call_someone_who_cant_do_anything/
%
I made my first snowman today...

It was so white it's already been nominated to Trump's Cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hrjuh/i_made_my_first_snowman_today/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture only needs one nail to hang.
(P.S I am Christian 😂)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hrjcz/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
I used to live in New Orleans till Katrina took everything I had.

Sometimes I wish she’d stayed in Latvia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hrhke/i_used_to_live_in_new_orleans_till_katrina_took/
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Had an interesting car journey today..

.. I was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the my window. I rolled down the window and asked, "What's happening?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Obama. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
I then said, "How much is everyone giving?''
"About a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hrfgv/had_an_interesting_car_journey_today/
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Once, there was 3 chinese people who wanted to go to America.

Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change me name to Buck, adding ck to the end." Chu then said, "then I'll become Chuck." After a long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back to China."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hrf9o/once_there_was_3_chinese_people_who_wanted_to_go/
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Trooper tries to pull over a man who speeds away.....

After getting the man to pull over,  he tells him that since it's the end of his shift that he'll let him go if he has a good explanation for why he kept speeding up instead of pulling over.
The driver says: "Don't you recognize me?  My wife ran away with you 2 years ago and I thought you were trying to give her back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hr7fb/trooper_tries_to_pull_over_a_man_who_speeds_away/
%
When I post a joke...

...and no one rates,
I just assume that they all died from laughter.!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hr5no/when_i_post_a_joke/
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A redditor walks into a bar...

"All of our servers are busy right now. Try again later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hr59q/a_redditor_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Today is my first day at the gym.

I walk in and see a bunch of hot women working out. I walk up to the guy who is running the gym and ask him, " Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies over there?" He smiles at me and says, " Try the ATM Machine in the lobby."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hr52c/today_is_my_first_day_at_the_gym/
%
"How old is your girlfriend?" "She's52"

"Haha, dude, she could be your mom!"
"Yeah, actually it's yours"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hr3jp/how_old_is_your_girlfriend_shes52/
%
What’s Forest Gump’s password?

1forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqyan/whats_forest_gumps_password/
%
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqt0h/after_trickortreating_a_teen_takes_a_shortcut/
%
What music do they play in a mexican bathroom?

Earth wind and fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqspw/what_music_do_they_play_in_a_mexican_bathroom/
%
Imagine if the presidential race was an actual marathon

Then we'd really have a Kenyan in office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqs21/imagine_if_the_presidential_race_was_an_actual/
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There are 10 types of people in this world...

Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a ternary joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqqia/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Want to hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqoy1/want_to_hear_a_word_i_just_made_up/
%
I bought a dog from a blacksmith

as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqnu1/i_bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith/
%
My girl friend is a sex object.

When I ask for sex, she objects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqna0/my_girl_friend_is_a_sex_object/
%
A woman ask her husband if he wants to go bowling or spend a night together at home...

The man said:
"I don't want to spend my time sticking my fingers in stinky holes where everyone putted their fingers in..
Let's go bowling!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqn81/a_woman_ask_her_husband_if_he_wants_to_go_bowling/
%
WIFE: The car won’t start. Can you pick me up at the drive through McDonald's in town?

ME: There isn’t a drive through in town
WIFE: There is now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqn37/wife_the_car_wont_start_can_you_pick_me_up_at_the/
%
I'm jealous of Santa...

...he can yell "hoe hoe hoe" at anyone and get away with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqn27/im_jealous_of_santa/
%
The Tale of the Fisherman and the... Shark

A fisherman pulls up a shark. The shark start begging for his life:
"If you release me back to sea, I'll grant you a wish!".
The fisherman who has heard the "The Tale of the Fisherman and the Gold Fish" starts laughing: "You are not even a goldfish... why should I trust you?"
The shark doesn't give up easily: "Try me, what have you got to lose ?!"
So the fisherman goes: "alright... I wish I had a penis that reached the floor."
The shark smiles with his big teeth and says: "Your wish is my command!"
And then he bites off the fisherman's legs....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hql1z/the_tale_of_the_fisherman_and_the_shark/
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I was devastated to find my first love in bed with my own father.

“We’ve been through this,” said Mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqjvi/i_was_devastated_to_find_my_first_love_in_bed/
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I couldn't figure out why my data wasn't coming out like my classmate's, until I realized I dropped a square root in the formula.

I put it back in and re-plotted the data. I saw a radical change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqgyp/i_couldnt_figure_out_why_my_data_wasnt_coming_out/
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Smartest Man in the World

An old priest, a boy scout, the President, Bill Gates and the smartest man in the world are traveling in an airplane together.
Without warning, the engines fail and the plane starts plummeting towards the earth. There is one problem: the plane is loaded with only 5 parachutes. Someone will have to stay on the plane and die.
The pilot walks into the cabin and let's them know the situation. He silently grabs a parachute and jumps out.
Bill Gates responds, "Society still needs me for making the latest technology, I still have a ton of great ideas!" So he grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The smartest man in the world says, "Hey I'm the smartest man in the world! Of *course* I'm needed!" He grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The President straightens his tie as he addresses the situation. "I appreciate the sacrifice you are willing to make" he says as he looks at the priest. He grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The kind old priest turns to the boy scout, "Please, take the last parachute. I have lived a fulfilled life and you deserve the same chance."
The boy scout looks up at the priest. "Sir, we have two parachutes left. The smartest man in the world took my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqgxx/smartest_man_in_the_world/
%
Why did the three year old African boy buy a red convertible?

He was having a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqg71/why_did_the_three_year_old_african_boy_buy_a_red/
%
Pretty women sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqezv/pretty_women_sneezes/
%
When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic...

But when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm Fantastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hqd3r/when_i_drink_alcohol_everyone_says_im_an_alcoholic/
%
I’ve just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear.

This can only mean one thing.
She's behind with the laundry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hq9uy/ive_just_noticed_the_wife_is_wearing_her_sexy/
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What do Hutts use to program computers?

JabbaScript

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hq7u1/what_do_hutts_use_to_program_computers/
%
At the men's bathroom of the local college...

... above the toilet paper dispenser was a piece of graffiti:
"Liberal Arts Degrees. Take One."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hq7mr/at_the_mens_bathroom_of_the_local_college/
%
I opened the door last night to carol singers & said "Do you know Silent Night?"

"Yes" they replied
"Well piss off then because I want one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hq4pp/i_opened_the_door_last_night_to_carol_singers/
%
I'd like to commit suicide to get rid of my indecisiveness

but I don't wanna jump into conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hq4lr/id_like_to_commit_suicide_to_get_rid_of_my/
%
I was in a job interview.

"What are you doing at the moment?" asked the man.
I said, "I'm unemployed."
"What was your previous job?" he asked.
I said, "I was a psychic."
"And where do you see yourself in 10 years?" he asked.
I said, "I don't know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpwx5/i_was_in_a_job_interview/
%
What did Cinderella say when say got to the ball?

*choking sound*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpvxz/what_did_cinderella_say_when_say_got_to_the_ball/
%
I was browsing sex toys online today and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife's vibrators cost...

She's sitting on a small fortune...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hptqr/i_was_browsing_sex_toys_online_today_and_was/
%
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.   The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Amelia, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Amelia complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Amelia worked here..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hprh5/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_and_sits_down/
%
A lady goes into a doctor for a check-up.

During her examination the doctor says,
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Leave your knickers on ... Just stick out your tongue!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpr4b/a_lady_goes_into_a_doctor_for_a_checkup/
%
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpql6/my_grandpa_said_your_generation_relies_too_much/
%
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern
society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather
was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to
be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told
them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,
"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going
to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of
the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood
like crazy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpqdg/it_was_autumn_and_the_indians_on_the_remote/
%
It was that time again for John's yearly prostate exam.

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test at the local hospital, he decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand, where there are beautiful nurses who are more gentle and accommodating.
As usual, he was asked to strip off and lie naked on his side on the bed. A very attractive nurse came in began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection," said John.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hppvq/it_was_that_time_again_for_johns_yearly_prostate/
%
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka.

The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"
"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.
"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpopj/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_six_shots_of/
%
Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles...

In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy.
They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't.
The flight attendant said, "Sorry, but we don't serve Peanuts on this flight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpo95/charlie_brown_snoopy_dilbert_dogbert_garfield_jon/
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Boss: "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life"!!

Me: "Well It got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago 2011
Boss: "Really"?
Me: "No"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hplsy/boss_sarcasm_will_get_you_nowhere_in_life/
%
A monk, a lawyer, a priest, and a kid....

...are in a small airplane. The sole pilot storms out of the cockpit, throws a chute on the floor and yells "We're going down! I'm bailing out, here's the one other parachute!" He jumps out of the plane and the monk says "We must spare the child", the lawyer says "Fuck the kid!", and the priest says "Do you think we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpkng/a_monk_a_lawyer_a_priest_and_a_kid/
%
A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpk0f/a_women_goes_to_the_doctor_all_black_and_blue/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the local school?

It's okay, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpjyd/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_the_local/
%
What side do turkeys have the most feathers on?

The outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpghu/what_side_do_turkeys_have_the_most_feathers_on/
%
What do boobs and Christmas trees have in common?

When you see really nice ones, you have to ask if they are real or fake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpfsa/what_do_boobs_and_christmas_trees_have_in_common/
%
My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpe61/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
%
Girls night out.

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down far too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".
He didn't seem peed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. Sh-it.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpco0/girls_night_out/
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"Describe yourself in three words"

"Lazy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpcki/describe_yourself_in_three_words/
%
A woman is at her father’s deathbed

She hasn’t seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left.
“Dad, I’m sorry,” she whispers.
“Goodbye, Sorry,” he says, “I’m *dead*.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hpcj0/a_woman_is_at_her_fathers_deathbed/
%
A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if there might be something inside the smooth shell, so he takes it in both hands and pulls with all his might...
Suddenly there is a blinding flash and a deafening explosion. Pain floods the man's body as he looks around and sees that both of his arms have been flung at least 10 feet away. Everything turns to black as he hears shouts of alarm in the distance.
The man wakes up in a hospital 3 days later. Doctors tell him that they were unable to reattach his arms, and he needs to get accustomed to the idea of a life without those limbs. The man curses himself for forgetting one small, ever so important fact that day...
In Soviet Russia, bomb disarms you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hp924/a_russian_is_digging_around_an_old_battlefield/
%
What key won’t let you through any doors?

A turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hp405/what_key_wont_let_you_through_any_doors/
%
I like my woman like a I like a flight

* Easy to find online
* Baggage free
* Willing to serve hot food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hp3cs/i_like_my_woman_like_a_i_like_a_flight/
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What do you call the cross between an elephant and a rhino?

'Ell if I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hp2x2/what_do_you_call_the_cross_between_an_elephant/
%
Dear Santa, Last year you gave me a sweater for Christmas.

This year I would prefer a Moaner or a Screamer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hp2lr/dear_santa_last_year_you_gave_me_a_sweater_for/
%
I slipped and fell outside today...

and when I got up, my wallet and keys were missing.  Must've been black ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hp0yw/i_slipped_and_fell_outside_today/
%
Olie walks into the diner and sits down next to Sven at the counter, a huge grin on his face...

Sven says, "Hey, Olie! Whatcha grinnin' about?"
Olie says, "I had a very nice date with Leena last night."
"Oh? Do tell!"
"Well, she picked me up in that new pick-up of hers and we went for a drive through the woods. After a spell, she pulled off the main road down this little path and stopped. She got out of the truck without turning it off and walked in front of it, where she started to take all of her clothes off! Finally, buck naked in the headlights, she yells, 'Take what you will, Olie!' So I took the truck and left."
"That's mighty smart of you, Olie. Those clothes would've never fit you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hp0iu/olie_walks_into_the_diner_and_sits_down_next_to/
%
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hozxz/what_do_you_call_a_line_of_rabbits_walking/
%
Yesterday my Korean friend died...

He was So Yung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hoyyj/yesterday_my_korean_friend_died/
%
Remember to practise safe phone sex.

You don't want to risk getting hearing AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hoyqe/remember_to_practise_safe_phone_sex/
%
What did Pinocchio say to his girlfriend

Sit on my face and I'll tell you some lies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5howdn/what_did_pinocchio_say_to_his_girlfriend/
%
When life gives you lemons

Chances are you are high on LSD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hottp/when_life_gives_you_lemons/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

Each man orders a pint of lager and sits down.
The bartender delivers their beers, and as soon as he does, three large flies that have been buzzing around the bar land in each of their glasses.
"Bloody hell!", says the Englishman in disgust.  "What a perfectly good waste of a perfectly fine pint!"  And he pushes his beer aside, untouched.
"Ah, no bother." says the Scotsman, who plucks the fly from his beer and flicks it aside.  "A wee fly never did me no harm."
Then, both men turn their attention to the Irishman, who is shaking his fly upside down over the glass, and yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, YA THIEVING BASTARD!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hos4f/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk/
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We learned about animals today

This is an actual true story because my dumbass got in trouble for this: My bio teacher was talking about animals so she asked us what do we call a male dog. Everyone said dog. She asked what do we call a female version of a dog and I shouted "Bitch". My teacher just smiled and proceeded to ask what do we call young dogs. My dumbass got excited and screamed "Son of a Bitch!!!".
I was sent to principals office but hey, st least everyone had a good laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hos1a/we_learned_about_animals_today/
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THE FISHING GROOM

A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The
desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon
as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go
fishing.
He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his
lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days
when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a
conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.
"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't
having sex with your new wife."
"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."
"Well, what about anal sex?"
"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."
"There is always oral sex."
"Nope, she has pyorrhea."
"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did
you marry her?"
"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hoquf/the_fishing_groom/
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A man walks into a bar

And stays there my entire childhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hopbe/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A 4-year-old kid was at school and his teacher told him that his homework was to learn the first four letters of the alphabet

At home his mum was on the phone when he asked her what’s the first letter of the alphabet so she said “Shut up.”
His dad was watching a football match when the kid asked him about the second letter of the alphabet so he said “YES YES YES!!!” because his favorite team had just scored.
His brother was playing Bat-Man when the kid asked him what’s the third letter of the alphabet so he said “Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!!” and the kid went away, happy.
His 2 and 3/4 year old sisters playing with her dolls when he asked her about the fourth letter of the alphabet so she said “On my voom voom car.”
The next day at school when his teacher asked him for the first letter of the alphabet he said "Shut Up", so the teacher asked him if he wanted to go to the principal’s office, and he said "YES YES YES!!!" At the principal’s office the principle asked him “Who do you think you are?” the kid replied “Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!!” so the principle said “How are you going to get out of this mess?” And the kid replied “On my voom voom car”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hoojp/a_4yearold_kid_was_at_school_and_his_teacher_told/
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What did the atheist fisherman say when asked about his catch?

There is no cod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hoo69/what_did_the_atheist_fisherman_say_when_asked/
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An old man is fishing when he hears a voice. Hey guy!

He looks around and sees no one. Hey guy, he hears again. He looks down and all he sees is a frog. Confused, he picks it up. The frog in relief says "thank goodness I've been trapped like this for years!" The old man is astounded, he's holding a talking frog. "Sir, I'm a beautiful princess, if you kiss me I'll change back and we will be together forever." The old man thinks for a while and then starts to put the frog in his pocket. "Wait wait, I'm a beautiful princess I'll make you so happy what are you doing?" "Well at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hol4h/an_old_man_is_fishing_when_he_hears_a_voice_hey/
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

He sees another guy drinking, and notices he is sitting next to a tiny person playing a piano on the bar.
"Nice piano player" the guy says. "Where did you get that."
The drinking guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lamp. "Here, rub the lamp and you will get three wishes." He says. "Just make sure you speak clearly"
The guy rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "You have three wishes" the genie says.
"A million bucks!" The guy shouts, and with the nod of the genies head, one million ducks appear in the bar, quacking and flapping about."
Disappointed the guy says, "I didn't ask for a million ducks!"
His drinking buddy leans over and mutters, "Do you think I asked for an 11 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hokws/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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Anyone who thinks Jesus wasn't a white man has never been to communion

The body of Christ is a cracker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hojjs/anyone_who_thinks_jesus_wasnt_a_white_man_has/
%
My mom used to tuck me in every night.

She really wanted a daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hohvs/my_mom_used_to_tuck_me_in_every_night/
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I don't always go golfing, but when I do I bring two pairs of pants...

....in case I get a hole in one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hof14/i_dont_always_go_golfing_but_when_i_do_i_bring/
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I was at a wedding the other day..

And after the main ceremony this man came up to me "wow you look stunning" he said "great ass, mmm nice skin, lovely body" i blush and sniggle a little as he reches and pinches my ass. My face all red and a hot flush comes over me and i say "Ohh, father i bet you say that to all the choir boys"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hod3y/i_was_at_a_wedding_the_other_day/
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Why Did the Italian Go to the Sauna?

For a self'a steam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hoc5s/why_did_the_italian_go_to_the_sauna/
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What does a violin player use as birth control?

Their personality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hobn0/what_does_a_violin_player_use_as_birth_control/
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What do you call a terrorist with eight legs?

An Iraqnid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hoakv/what_do_you_call_a_terrorist_with_eight_legs/
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Where does Obama keep his armies?

In the Baracks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ho8xd/where_does_obama_keep_his_armies/
%
Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive?

They're always eating out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ho68t/why_is_the_lesbian_lifestyle_so_expensive/
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Genie: Whats your first wish?

Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ho509/genie_whats_your_first_wish/
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I bought a thesaurus from Walmart and the pages were blank..

I have no words to describe how angry I am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ho4ui/i_bought_a_thesaurus_from_walmart_and_the_pages/
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My wife and I do it doggy-style...

...she plays dead and I beg.
-Dan Chopin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ho4hs/my_wife_and_i_do_it_doggystyle/
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de bre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ho3fh/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_that/
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I was talking to a hot North African girl for hours.

We just clicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ho39c/i_was_talking_to_a_hot_north_african_girl_for/
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Breaking News: The Energizer Bunny arrested!

Charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ho368/breaking_news_the_energizer_bunny_arrested/
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Little Jonny and Uncle Ted

A classroom of elementary school students were discussing morals to stories one day. The teacher completed the lesson and with a few minutes left in the class asked, "does anyone have any stories with morals that they would like the share?" Kids hands shot up and the teacher pointed to Suzzy.
"My grandfather used to be raise chickens. He sold a bunch of unhatched eggs as chickens but most of them didn't hatch and he lost a lot of money," Suzzy began. The teacher nodded, "and what is the morale of the story?" "Don't count your chickens before they hatch!" replied Suzzy.
The teacher asked for another example, and after sifting through the raised hands, came to call on Timothy. "Well my Dad was also a chicken farmer, except he sold a bunch of eggs to the grocery store. Dad loaded all the eggs up into a big box, but on the way to the store he hit a big bump and damaged the box. Most of the eggs broke and he lost a pile of money." Again the teacher asked, "What's the morale of the story?" before Timothy said, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Ok, we have time for one more story, why don't you go ahead Jonny?" The teacher beckoned to Jonny. Jonny began, "Well, my Uncle Ted was a fighter pilot in the Vietnam war. He was on a patrol flight deep in enemy territory when he got shot down. He grabbed everything he could, which included a machete, a machine gun, and a six pack of beer before ejecting." The classroom was mesmerized, although the teacher began to look uncomfortable. Jonny continued, "As he was parachuting down, he chugged the six pack. When he landed he was surrounded by a hundred Vietnamese soldiers. He killed the first seventy with the machine gun, twenty with the machete and the last ten with his bare hands!" The teacher choked out, "That's a terrible story!" before Jonny replied, "Yeah, well the morale of the story is: You don't fuck with my Uncle Ted when he's drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ho1zj/little_jonny_and_uncle_ted/
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A frog is sitting alone on the Jordan River's banks...

A Frog is sitting alone on the Jordan River's banks, when a long comes a Scorpion.
&nbsp;
The Scorpion says "Frog, I wish to cross this river, would you please carry me across on your back?"
&nbsp;
The Frog responds, "We are natural enemies, why should I do that? You will just kill me when I let you on my back"
&nbsp;
The Scorpion interjects, "Well if I do that, I will drown in the River"
After some thought, the Frog says "Okay, fine! I will help you across the river".
&nbsp;
So the two make their way across the River, but half way through, the Scorpion stings the Frog.
&nbsp;
"Why?!? Now we are both doomed!"" Shouted the Frog with his dying breath.
The Scorpion turns and says "What did you expect, this is the Middle East!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ho1sy/a_frog_is_sitting_alone_on_the_jordan_rivers_banks/
%
Kisses make my day...

But anal makes me hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ho0yo/kisses_make_my_day/
%
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup, and as she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest.

“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest.
“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest.
“Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.
“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hnzkx/a_girl_goes_into_the_doctors_office_for_a_checkup/
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My grandpa's favorite joke/ gag

I was out in the woods with him one day when he bent over and picked up this funky looking rock. He studied it carefully and told me this rock was a "old Indian sex stone" and handed it to me. After studying it myself I asked him what made it a sex stone and he told me "it's a fucking rock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hnwq4/my_grandpas_favorite_joke_gag/
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A Nazi agent is supposed to pick up some docs from a resident agent in London during WWII.

Due to some unexpected mess-up, they drop at the meeting point, a soldier that speaks no English. The meeting point is a bar. So, they tell him to just come up to the barman, order gin, since the word sounds the same in both languages, nod for "thanks", pay and sit quietly in the corner not uttering a word, so no one gets that he is a German.
So, he enters the bar, comes up to the barmen and then it goes smth like this: -
"Hello, what can i get you, sir?"
"Gin!"
"Dry gin?"
"Nein, zwei gin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hnu73/a_nazi_agent_is_supposed_to_pick_up_some_docs/
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There is a mix up in the hospital,

..,nurses forgot to label three newborns. Their fathers, German, Russian and Jewish guys trying to figure out who's child is who's. German dude gets an idea, he comes to the newborns and yell " Heil Hitler" one of the kids throws his right hand up in a salute. German guy grabs the kid and leaves.
Russian guy comes to one of the kids and picks him up claiming him his. Jewish father asks "but how do you know it is yours?"
Russian father answers "When German yelled Heil Hitler, yours shat himself and this one I am holding clenched his fists"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hnsyw/there_is_a_mix_up_in_the_hospital/
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You can try to annoy me with bird puns

but toucan play that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hnsmc/you_can_try_to_annoy_me_with_bird_puns/
%
What's the difference between a trump supporter and a newly adopted Siberian husky?

The dog has the mental fortitude to realize he's just gotten owned by a Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hnhgu/whats_the_difference_between_a_trump_supporter/
%
What did Anakin say to Padme right before they had sex?

Let's see those Naboobies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hngjr/what_did_anakin_say_to_padme_right_before_they/
%
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said........"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hnbnq/a_fleeing_taliban_desperate_for_water_was/
%
How I Learned To Mind My Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, '13....13.....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks.
I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14.....14....14....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hnajo/how_i_learned_to_mind_my_own_business/
%
How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hn9p9/how_did_luke_skywalker_know_what_darth_vader_got/
%
Whats the difference between peanut butter and jam?

You can't peanut butter your dick into someones ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hn9cf/whats_the_difference_between_peanut_butter_and_jam/
%
I used to be an Uncle like you...

...Until I took an arrow to the niece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hn8bi/i_used_to_be_an_uncle_like_you/
%
I bought a thesaurus at a store today. Brought it home to find all the pages were blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hn7aa/i_bought_a_thesaurus_at_a_store_today_brought_it/
%
A drunk driver gets pulled over

by a cop
The cop asks him "how high are you?"
The drunk driver then says "isn't it supposed to be hi, how are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hn3az/a_drunk_driver_gets_pulled_over/
%
All the power lines went down in a storm last Friday ...

Everyone was *delighted*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hn1h5/all_the_power_lines_went_down_in_a_storm_last/
%
My son has developed orange and white stripes on his body...

Doctors have put him on a course of nemotherapy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hn15n/my_son_has_developed_orange_and_white_stripes_on/
%
My highschool bully still takes my lunch money...

But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmzga/my_highschool_bully_still_takes_my_lunch_money/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmyar/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped," Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off ... "there isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and fourth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmxn3/a_blonde_had_just_totaled_her_car_in_a_horrific/
%
A guy dies and is sent to Hell

.
Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing on their heads with spiders and insects crawling all over them.
The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are also standing on their heads but with snakes crawling all around them.
Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing in pee up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room."
Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmxkr/a_guy_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
%
A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat

directly across from an old man. The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers. The old man glares at the young punk for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city. Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmxae/a_young_punk_gets_on_the_cross_town_bus_and_sits/
%
Why don't cannibals have dogs?

Because you're not supposed to feed them people food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmwx6/why_dont_cannibals_have_dogs/
%
Jack and Tim were talking one day in the company lunch room.

Jack confessed that he had recently been having trouble with women. He asked Tim, who always seemed to have a date, what was his secret to finding women willing to go to bed. Tim said the secret was poetry. Jack said that poetry was for faggots. Tim disagreed and stressed how poetry had made him very successful with women. Jack: " OK, I’ll give it try. What should I say?" Tim: "You need to say something about their hair, then compare their eyes to some animal, then explain to them the way you want to make love to them." Jack: "Give me an example." Tim: "Curly blond hair and eyes like a dove. I want to take you home and make sweet love." Jack: "OK, that sounds easy, I’ll give it a try." The next day, as Tim walks into the company lunch room, he sees Jack. Jack’s head is swollen & covered with bruises. Tim: "What happened to you?" Jack: "I tried your fucking poetry, that’s what happened!" Tim: "What did you say?" Jack: "I took your advise, I said something about her hair, then compare her eyes to an animal, then explain to her the way I wanted to make love to her." Tim: "And it didn’t work?" Jack: "Hell, no it didn’t work... look at me. She beat the shit outta me." Tim: "Let’s hear your poem." Jack: "Nappy haired bitch with eyes like a frog I wanna bend you over and fuck you like a dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmw55/jack_and_tim_were_talking_one_day_in_the_company/
%
Once I got my art degree I didn't need to deliver to people anymore.

Now they come to me, explaining what they want me to create. Then I ask them to pull up to the next window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmw3d/once_i_got_my_art_degree_i_didnt_need_to_deliver/
%
Why are there no female serial killers?

Because after the first kill, they have to tell someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmumr/why_are_there_no_female_serial_killers/
%
How can you tell ignorance from indifference?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmtb9/how_can_you_tell_ignorance_from_indifference/
%
What did the drummer get on his test?

Drool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmt1d/what_did_the_drummer_get_on_his_test/
%
A man comes to the entrance of Heaven

and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."
The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your ass!'"
The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"
The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmq0s/a_man_comes_to_the_entrance_of_heaven/
%
A man walks up to a bartender

and tells him "I bet you $5,000 I can pee into a cup all the way across your bar."
The bartender, knowing this is impossible, agrees. They set it up and the man starts peeing all over the place, missing the cup completely. The bartender gets begins to cheer because he know he just won $5,000.
The man walks over to his friends and comes back to the bartender. He pays the bartender his money with a grin on his face. The bartender asks him "Why are you so happy? You just lost $5,000."
The man replies "I know, but I bet my friends $10,000 dollars that you would cheer while I pee all over the bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmpxs/a_man_walks_up_to_a_bartender/
%
Why was the Sun mad at all the clouds?

Because they kept throwin shade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmppo/why_was_the_sun_mad_at_all_the_clouds/
%
A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop.

"Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."
The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"
The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."
"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmnt6/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_walking_downtown_when/
%
What did the magician's girlfriend say to the magician?

I can't see you anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hml9w/what_did_the_magicians_girlfriend_say_to_the/
%
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center

where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
“If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”
“Now,” he concluded, ”which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hml7s/airman_jones_was_assigned_to_the_induction_center/
%
I walked into a bar and saw this fat bird dancing on a table. I went over to her and said, "Wow, nice legs"

She seemed flattered and replied, "You really think so?"
"Oh definitely," I replied, "Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmk8q/i_walked_into_a_bar_and_saw_this_fat_bird_dancing/
%
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmj1a/why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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I can throw rocks further than catapults.

I mean, have you ever *tried* throwing a catapult?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmgqq/i_can_throw_rocks_further_than_catapults/
%
Alcoholics don't run in my family

They just stumble around and break stuff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hme11/alcoholics_dont_run_in_my_family/
%
If you don't come to my funeral,

then I won't go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmdyr/if_you_dont_come_to_my_funeral/
%
How heavy is a photon?

I don't know, but it's probably light-weight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmdo0/how_heavy_is_a_photon/
%
So an engineer ends up in Hell...

So an engineer dies and goes to Hell despite the fact he's supposed to be in Heaven. Being an engineer and all, he notices Hell is in a state of disrepair and fixes everything. God looks down and notices that Hell is in a relatively decent state.
He notices the Engineer, who simply shrugs, and yells at the Devil "He's supposed to be up here with me! I'm going to sue you!"
The Devil looks up and says "Yeah well where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hmb75/so_an_engineer_ends_up_in_hell/
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At School: What Does It Give You?

“Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
“Meat!”
“Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
“Bacon!”
“Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
“Homework!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hm93s/at_school_what_does_it_give_you/
%
Birdhood

A single shot film with no cuts and a running time of 12 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hm1l0/birdhood/
%
A thief, a child molester and a priest walk into a bar

He orders a drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hm1jr/a_thief_a_child_molester_and_a_priest_walk_into_a/
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A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds

As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she fluttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Fuck me or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello," said the ugly fat man said, "my name is Cess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hlvi1/a_man_was_walking_along_the_street_when_he_saw_a/
%
What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

One goes "ribbit ribbit", the other goes "rub it rub it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hluu4/whats_the_difference_between_a_frog_and_a_horny/
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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hll9p/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hll7g/what_do_you_do_if_you_come_across_a_tiger_in_the/
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Well my father always told me, "when life gives you lemons,

chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hljlg/well_my_father_always_told_me_when_life_gives_you/
%
Little Jimmy was sleeping in class when...

The teacher saw him dozing off and interrupted his nap.
He said in a stern tone: "Jimmy, you know you can't sleep in class."
Jimmy retorted: "Yeah, but if you were a little quieter I could."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hljhm/little_jimmy_was_sleeping_in_class_when/
%
A farmer named Paddy had a . . .

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident.  He was hit by a truck owned by the  Eversweet Company.  In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident that you were fine?'  asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow,  Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.  Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.  After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.  Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and  said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now, wot da hell would you say?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hlgxy/a_farmer_named_paddy_had_a/
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What's the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut?

About two weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hlgfx/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_haircut_and_a/
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“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hlgfi/jewelry_my_dear_jewelry/
%
My vacuum sucks

So I decided to sell mine, it was just collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hlfhm/my_vacuum_sucks/
%
I came here to write jokes and waste your time

But I'm out of jokes, so I'll just waste your time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hle9r/i_came_here_to_write_jokes_and_waste_your_time/
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What's the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hle7n/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_in_plain/
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Breastfeeding in public.

This hating of people that breastfeed in public should really stop. I can raise my cat any way I want to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hlbnk/breastfeeding_in_public/
%
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hl8g9/theres_this_old_priest_who_got_sick_of_all_the/
%
Whenever I shoot something into the trash, I yell "Kobe!"

But then, my friend follows up by yelling "Jack!" I don't get what he's trying to say, but he sure is acting cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hl7s5/whenever_i_shoot_something_into_the_trash_i_yell/
%
I don't always tell Dad jokes,

but when I do, he tells me to get my fucking life together and stop being a disappointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hl3u2/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that m’ wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers, though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hl2mf/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar_in_dublin/
%
I could never date a homophobe...

I just don't think he'd be into that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hl1wk/i_could_never_date_a_homophobe/
%
I don't understand why ...

I don't understand why Mexicans are so upset that Trump is going to build a wall.
They should just get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hkz8w/i_dont_understand_why/
%
I walked into a locker room today, and saw a bunch of members of Donald Trump's new administration standing around completely nude…

… I've never seen so many Goldman sacks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hkvw9/i_walked_into_a_locker_room_today_and_saw_a_bunch/
%
Archaeologists discover the remains of a slave-worker under famous statue in Giza

Reports claim he died of Asphinxiation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hku94/archaeologists_discover_the_remains_of_a/
%
Sex is like Kebab. When it's good, it's really good...

...and when I'm drunk I'm willing to pay for it in a roadside turkish buffet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hku0h/sex_is_like_kebab_when_its_good_its_really_good/
%
I went to the psychiatrist wearing only cling film.

He said "well, I can clearly see your nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hktsu/i_went_to_the_psychiatrist_wearing_only_cling_film/
%
I bought a book on DIY.

So far my dad has read me 103 pages of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hksnc/i_bought_a_book_on_diy/
%
I got sick at the airport

My doctor said it was terminal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hksdo/i_got_sick_at_the_airport/
%
Church is so annoying..

Your either on your knees or standing up. I wish the priest would just find a position to fuck me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hkro1/church_is_so_annoying/
%
George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump were all leaving Washington D.C. and going the same direction, so they decided to take Air Force 1.

Unfortunately, due to a mechanical malfunction, Air Force 1 crashed, killing all aboard.
So Bush, Obama, and Trump approached the pearly gates, where God sat on his throne.
“Tell me, what do you believe in?” God asked Mr. Bush.
“I believe in education and free trade,” was the reply.
“Excellent. Take a seat here on my right,” God said.
“Now tell me, Mr. Obama, what do you believe in?” God asked.
“I believe in equal rights for all and universal healthcare,” Obama replied.
“Very good. Take a seat to my left,” God instructed.
“And Mr. Trump, what do you believe in?” God queried.
“I believe you are sitting in my seat,” Trump shot back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hkpzo/george_w_bush_barack_obama_and_donald_trump_were/
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Words can't describe how beautiful you are...

But numbers can. 2/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hkoou/words_cant_describe_how_beautiful_you_are/
%
The origins of the ornamental angel atop the Christmas tree

It's almost New Year's Eve and Santa is getting ready to get to work and bring presents to everyone that has been good this year. So there he is at home, taking a shower and preparing for the big night. Opening his closet, he sifts through his clothes and finds his favorite red coat and trousers, but to his immense surprise, his coat lapels have been ravaged by moths, and a big ugly hole has been eaten on the backside of his trousers.
Pissed off, Santa goes to the living room and asks his wife to mend his clothes and iron them for him. "Stop bothering me Nick, can't you see I am watching my show now? Go fix your clothes yourself!" exclaims Mrs. Claus and pisses off Santa even further, but he has no choice.
After a brief struggle to patch the damaged clothes and iron them, Santa steps outside to prepare his sleigh. He finds his reindeer properly tied to the sleigh arm, but his elf crew is nowhere to be found. How is he supposed to load his sack with presents and put it on the sleigh all by himself? Cursing behind his bushy beard, Santa furiously looks all over the place for his workers, and in the end manages to find a sole elf, having a smoke outside the toy lab.
"How the fuck do you explain this situation?" shouts a beetroot-red Santa at the elf. "Where the hell is everyone? WE HAVE WORK TO DO!"
The elf, unfazed, draws a puff from his cigarette, and calmly replies "You see, Nick, we had this talk here with the other guys from the lab and we decided we had to create a labor union. You have us working our fingers to the bone every winter, and we don't even get so much as a thank you for our efforts. I am sorry, but we are officially on strike."
Santa can't believe what he is hearing. "Is this some kind of fucking joke?" he screams off the top of his lungs, but the elf pays him no mind. Having no other choice, Santa begins loading the presents on his own, but his sack gets caught on a metal railing on the sleigh, gets ripped apart and the presents get strewn all over the snow. He proceeds to hand-pick the packets one by one and get them all in the sleigh, and goes to his tool shed to have a whiskey, just to take the edge off.
He hasn't even poured half a glass of Jack Daniels, when he sees that his reindeer have chewed through their straps and reins and are prancing off happily into the nearby forest. At this point, he is swearing his fuzzy cap off, as he can't catch a break. A vein could burst in his head at any moment.
Not a second too soon, a knock is heard at the shed door. It's a little angel carrying a tree, who looks puzzled at the angry Santa, and says "Hey boss, I brought the Christmas tree. Where should I put it?"
And that's why we have angels at the top of the Christmas tree every year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hknpq/the_origins_of_the_ornamental_angel_atop_the/
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How do you get an art major off your front porch?

Pay for the pizza!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hkmg4/how_do_you_get_an_art_major_off_your_front_porch/
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In Heaven, your doctor is Cuban, comedians are American, laborers are Mexican, and the police are Canadian.

In Hell, your doctor is American, the comedians are Canadian, the laborers are Cuban, and the police are Mexican.
*A spin on the classic European version of the joke*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hkl4v/in_heaven_your_doctor_is_cuban_comedians_are/
%
Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hkiw9/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/
%
My doctor wrote me a prescription...

It writes dailysex but my girlfriend insists it's dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hkgwy/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription/
%
What is ISIS's favorite mathematical operation?

Square Root.
Anything it is applied to becomes radicalized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hkffz/what_is_isiss_favorite_mathematical_operation/
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I was gonna tell a racist joke

But fuck it, its too dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hkf78/i_was_gonna_tell_a_racist_joke/
%
Why are there no female serial killers ??

Because after the first kill, they have to tell someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hkb7k/why_are_there_no_female_serial_killers/
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*knock*

Who’s...
*knock*
Who’s...
*knock knock*
Who’s there?
*knock knock knock*
Who...
*knock knock knock knock knock*
Piss off, Fibonacci!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hk796/knock/
%
Genders are like political parties...

There are many, but only 2 actually matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hk1ti/genders_are_like_political_parties/
%
The dentist said to his patient, “This is going to hurt a little.”

The patient replied, "It's ok doc, I'm ready."
The dentist went on, "I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hk0wu/the_dentist_said_to_his_patient_this_is_going_to/
%
In a furious argument, the wife tells her husband...

- I should have married the devil instead of you!
- Well, that's impossible. Marriage between cousins is forbidden!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hjzsc/in_a_furious_argument_the_wife_tells_her_husband/
%
Did you know they are making an action movie about the great composers?

Arnold Schwarzeneggar says he'll be Bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hjulz/did_you_know_they_are_making_an_action_movie/
%
My mate was freaking out today, crying and all. He had no idea how he was going to become the fruit farmer he'd always dreamed of being.

I told him to grow a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hju8d/my_mate_was_freaking_out_today_crying_and_all_he/
%
What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a child molester?

Alien Vs. Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hjr5c/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_an_illegal/
%
What did the disappointed smoker get for Christmas?

Clothes but no cigar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hjr02/what_did_the_disappointed_smoker_get_for_christmas/
%
A blonde is sitting next to a lawyer on a plane.

The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts.
The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $50
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hjlku/a_blonde_is_sitting_next_to_a_lawyer_on_a_plane/
%
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone

", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day
a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..." He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant serious business. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night...but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!
What is the moral of this story???
Come on.. .take a guess!
Think about it...
And the moral is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hjl12/there_once_was_an_indian_whose_given_name_was/
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My dad says he donates to the African water charities

Because he's got a well paying job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hjgry/my_dad_says_he_donates_to_the_african_water/
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Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee.

Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain.
The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, "Go home and get the umbrella".
The little turtle replied, "i will, if you don't drink my coffee".
"We won't," the other two promised.
Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle, "well, i guess he isn't coming back, so i think we can drink his coffee".
Just then a voice called from outside the door, " If you do, i won't go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hjeoo/three_turtles_decided_to_have_a_cup_of_coffee/
%
Why does Africa never win Olympics

Because it's a continent, You idiot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hjef9/why_does_africa_never_win_olympics/
%
Vin Diesel was riding his bike at the speed of light when a man asked him for a lift.

Vin Diesel stopped for him to hop on and continued riding at the speed of light.
After a while the man asked.
Man: "So what's your name?"
Vin: "Cin Diesel"
Man: "Don't you mean Vin Diesel?"
Vin: "No it's Cin Diesel"
Man: "But why?"
Vin: "Because at the speed of light c=v"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hjdji/vin_diesel_was_riding_his_bike_at_the_speed_of/
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What do you get if you cross a woman with a whale?

Your research funding suspended and a severe reprimand from the ethics committee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hjd1y/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_woman_with_a_whale/
%
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hj7yb/my_wife_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead_of/
%
How to be cool:

A) use cool sunglasses emoji in everything
B)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hj60r/how_to_be_cool/
%
What's a married couples favorite sex position?

Doggy Style.
The husband sits up and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hj3tj/whats_a_married_couples_favorite_sex_position/
%
What did one redneck say to the other?

If you were anymore inbred, you'd be a sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hj0h3/what_did_one_redneck_say_to_the_other/
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Donald Trump goes to an elementary school to show off his intelligence and success.

The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.
Trump decided to help the children learn the word ‘tragedy’, and asked the following question to them:
“What would be a tragedy, kids?”
A bespectacled boy nervously answers:
“If my best friend died of pneumonia, that would be a tragedy.”
“No, that would be a great loss,” Trump corrects him.
Another shy young child answers:
“If my uncle got hit by a train, that would be a tragedy.”
“No, no, that would be an accident,” Trump replies.
A young girl raises her hand. The wealthy businessman asks her if she’d like to give an example of a tragedy. The girl nods, and says:
“If Mr. Trump was in his private jet, and a missile hit the jet, that would be a tragedy.”
“Yes, that would be a tragedy for sure. Can you tell me why?” The businessman asks.
“Well, it definitely wasn’t a great loss, and I’m not sure if it was an accident, either,”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hiyty/donald_trump_goes_to_an_elementary_school_to_show/
%
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hiy0l/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
%
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hix7y/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
%
Currently I'm dating a anorexic chick.

but lately I've been seeing less and less of her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hitxu/currently_im_dating_a_anorexic_chick/
%
What is the difference between a mechanical and civil engineer?

The former builds weapons,  the latter targets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hit6a/what_is_the_difference_between_a_mechanical_and/
%
An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.
American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.
Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.
Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.
Pakistani : Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for Military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. He then moves to England and claims benefits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hisfx/an_insect_falls_into_a_mug_of_beer/
%
I don't always tell Harambe jokes

but I'll take a shot at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hiq2b/i_dont_always_tell_harambe_jokes/
%
How do you reload a cardboard gun?

With paper clips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hiq26/how_do_you_reload_a_cardboard_gun/
%
Some people say I have my mom's eyes...

but since they can't find them they've never been able to prove it in a court of law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hinpx/some_people_say_i_have_my_moms_eyes/
%
Why don't robots have any brothers?

They all have transisters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hina4/why_dont_robots_have_any_brothers/
%
Sex makes my day

But anal makes my hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5himjn/sex_makes_my_day/
%
So There's a Gypsy and a Doctor (old Croatian joke)

The gypsy and the doctor are both in the market looking for houses. So the doctor decides that he wants his own custom house. So he buys a plot of land. And, seeing the doctor as a smart man, the gypsy does the same.
Once construction on the houses had begun, the gypsy copied everything the doctor did. The doctor put stones on his house, so did the gypsy. The doctor built an interlock drive way, so did the gypsy. In the end, both had identical houses.
A few months later, being the flexible person he is, the doctor decides to get his house appraised, and so does the gypsy.
When the real estate agent asked the doctor how much he thought the house was worth, the doctor immediately said 1 million dollars. And so the real estate agent put up that price. Then the real estate agent asked the Gypsy what he thinks his house is worth, and instantly the Gypsy says 1.2 million dollars. The real estate agent asks the Gypsy why he thinks his house is worth more if they both have the exact same, identical house. And the Gypsy responds "because who ever buys my house has a doctor for a neighbour, but whoever buys his house gets a Gypsy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5higss/so_theres_a_gypsy_and_a_doctor_old_croatian_joke/
%
A boy asks his dad about his past.

"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies:
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hiahi/a_boy_asks_his_dad_about_his_past/
%
I met a girl named Nirvana yesterday...

I asked her "Did your parents give you than name while you were still In Utero?". She was like "What?"..  I just shook my head and said "Nevermind...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hi72j/i_met_a_girl_named_nirvana_yesterday/
%
Lady: Do you smoke?

Man: Yes.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Man: Ten quid.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So 1 pack costs £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No.
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hi3u4/lady_do_you_smoke/
%
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hi3e1/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hi1ko/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
St.peter was standing at his podium next to the gates of heaven...

He was flipping through the pages of a magazine, bored, when God appeared in a flash of light. "Peter", he said. "Heaven has become a bit overcrowded. I'm afraid we're going to have to make some changes to policy. From now on, when people approach the gates, ask them what kind of day they had. Only permit them entry if they've had an exceptionally bad day." Peter shrugged and nodded his head, returning his attention to his magazine. An hour or so later, a man arrived at the gates. Ever diligent, Peter explained the new policy to the man and ask him about his day. "You wouldn't believe it Peter", he said. "I came home early to my fourth-floor apartment to find that my wife had been cheating on me with another man. I tore the house apart looking for the guy, my wife screaming at me all the while. Then I spotted him. He was hanging onto the railing of my balcony by his fingers, so I began stomping them. Eventually he fell, but he survived the fall. In a rage, I pushed the refrigerator from the kitchen to the balcony and over the rails, crushing him. Afterwards, the stress and physical exertion was too much. I died of a heart attack on the spot." Peter considered it for a moment, and concluded that it was indeed a terrible day. He permitted the man entrance and returned to his magazine. A short while later, another man arrived. Peter again explained the policy and waited for the man's story. "Well Peter, it's pretty crazy. I was doing my daily aerobics routine on the balcony of my fifth-floor apartment when I slipped on a spot of mildew and fell over the rails. Somehow though, I managed to grab hold of the railing on the next floor down! But before I could pull myself up, the man who lives there came out and started stomping on my hands!  I never had a chance to explain. He'd broken most of my fingers and I wasn't able to hold on anymore. The fall broke several of my bones, but miraculously I was alive! I was just about to say a prayer of thanks when I looked up to see the man pushing a refrigerator over the rails to finish the job! Unable to move from my injuries, I couldn't escape and well, here I am." Secretly realising the irony of the situation, Peter waved him in, doing his best to stifle a chuckle. Before he could return to his magazine, however he looked up to see that another man had already arrived at the gates. Once again, he explained the new policy and awaited the man's story. After a long, contemplative pause, the man spoke. "Okay Peter. Picture this. I'm butt naked, and I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hi0pn/stpeter_was_standing_at_his_podium_next_to_the/
%
What can think the unthinkable?

An itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhyuw/what_can_think_the_unthinkable/
%
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar

It was tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhyk5/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
%
Yesterday, a clown held a door open for me...

I thought it was a nice jester...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhy8i/yesterday_a_clown_held_a_door_open_for_me/
%
A white, black, and Mexican are in hell...

A black man, a white man, and a Mexican die and are sent to Hell. The Devil looks at them and says "You can choose any shield of your choice, and if you survive 3 lashes from my whip you can go to Heaven."
The Mexican says "I want a shield of diamond." It breaks on the first lash and he doesn't survive the second, so he stays in hell.
The black man says "My ancestors survived more lashings than anything you'll give me, so I say no shield at all." He survives all three lashes with ease and goes to Heaven.
The Devil looks at the white man and says "What shall you have?". The white man looks up at the black man floating to Heaven, looks at the Devil, and says "I'll take the black guy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhx78/a_white_black_and_mexican_are_in_hell/
%
If 2016 had a twitter account it should have one of those "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" bios

Because 2016 is a crazy bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhx4p/if_2016_had_a_twitter_account_it_should_have_one/
%
I don't always tell dad jokes

But when i do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhswg/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
A guy walking I to a bar and says to the barman "quick, get me a shot before it starts"...

The bartender gives him a shot which he knocks back and says "quick quick another one before it starts".
The bartender gives him another shot which he knocks back and says "another... before it starts"
The bartender says "wait a minute, how do you intend to pay for these drinks"?
"Ah" the man says, throwing his arms up in frustration... "it's started"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhsw0/a_guy_walking_i_to_a_bar_and_says_to_the_barman/
%
How do frogs die?

They kermit sucide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhn5o/how_do_frogs_die/
%
A Bus Full of Nuns

A bus full of nuns crashes on their way to a Jesus convention.
Many of the nuns die and find themselves in line at heavens gate, with St. Peter standing guard. St. peter asks the first nun, "Sister Mary, have you ever touched a penis?", she replies, "only with these two fingers." as she holds up the first two fingers on her right hand.
"Place those fingers in the holy water, say two hail Mary's and move on unto Heaven".
Next, Sister Jolene, St. Peter says, "have you ever touched a penis?". "Only with my left hand", she replies. "Place your entire left hand in the holy water, say two hail Mary's and move on unto heaven."
All of a sudden, a redheaded spitfire of a nun shoves her way to the front of the line, St. Peter says, "Whoa, whats the hurry?", she replies, "I just need to rinse my mouth before Sister Margret dips her ass into that water!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhkr0/a_bus_full_of_nuns/
%
What do you call an Egyptian back-doctor?

A Cairo-practor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhgy4/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_backdoctor/
%
Eminem needs to release an aftershave and shower gel gift set for Christmas

Eminessence and Marshal Lathers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhfx3/eminem_needs_to_release_an_aftershave_and_shower/
%
What's the difference between Santa and a black man?

Santa stops after the third Ho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhep8/whats_the_difference_between_santa_and_a_black_man/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhcbt/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_hit_in_the/
%
Call it a hunch...

But I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhalt/call_it_a_hunch/
%
I saw a chameleon today...

So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hhage/i_saw_a_chameleon_today/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hh7qh/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
I hate it when people can't make a good sausage

its the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hh33m/i_hate_it_when_people_cant_make_a_good_sausage/
%
My Taiwanese friend is very intense and driven:

He has a real Taipei personality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hh1um/my_taiwanese_friend_is_very_intense_and_driven/
%
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence.

As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hh1u7/there_was_a_prison_break_and_i_saw_a_midget_climb/
%
What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?

I would tell you....
But I don't compare apples to oranges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hh0is/what_does_the_macbook_have_in_common_with_donald/
%
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hgyr0/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
TIFU by getting on the normal bus instead of the dyslexic one

Whoops, wrong bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hgyff/tifu_by_getting_on_the_normal_bus_instead_of_the/
%
Grover the Grocer and the Shoplifter

Grover the grocer ran a comfortable business, with one recurring malady--a persistent shoplifter named Gwen. Grover knew she was robbing him blind, but couldn't seem to catch her in the act.
This continued for quite a number of years until, as fortune would have it, one day he caught her redhanded stealing a bag of fresh peaches. Grover gleefully awaited his day in court when at long last he would witness Gwen receive her comeuppance.
Sitting across from Gwen in court, Grover stared smugly, anxious to hear the judge's sentence passed down.
"What is the crime?" the judge inquired.
"Stealing a bag of peaches, your honor." Grover replied.
"And how many peaches were in the bag?" the judge continued.
"Six, your honor." Grover stammered.
The judge slammed his gavel down and thundered toward Gwen, "I hereby sentence you to serve one day per item stolen behind bars! I'll see you back here in six days!"
Grover stared incredulously. Six days?! After all the grief and sleepless nights she had caused him? Completely beside himself, he blurted out, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hgx0y/grover_the_grocer_and_the_shoplifter/
%
A man was arrested from leaving families of puppies in the street.

He was charged with littering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hgubl/a_man_was_arrested_from_leaving_families_of/
%
Getting married in heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.
St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves.
The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?”
“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hgtm7/getting_married_in_heaven/
%
A kleptomaniac goes to see her doctor.

She says, "Doctor, my condition has worsened.  Is there anything I can take?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hgr2e/a_kleptomaniac_goes_to_see_her_doctor/
%
Why do dads hate christmas?

They get a sweater. But they really wanted a moaner or a screamer..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hgpf7/why_do_dads_hate_christmas/
%
Why did the nihilist cross the road?

It doesn't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hgpd9/why_did_the_nihilist_cross_the_road/
%
Which kitchen appliance do surfers dislike most?

The micro wave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hgo7o/which_kitchen_appliance_do_surfers_dislike_most/
%
If a normal person's mouth waters at a steak?

Does a vegan's mouth water when someone is mowing the grass?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hgny1/if_a_normal_persons_mouth_waters_at_a_steak/
%
A man is trapped on a desert island...

.... with a sheep and a dog. After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man. However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner. The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck. By now, the man is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf. She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him. The man thinks for a moment and then responds: "Could you take the dog for a walk?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hglrq/a_man_is_trapped_on_a_desert_island/
%
Why is cocaine the alt-right's favorite drug?

White powder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hghry/why_is_cocaine_the_altrights_favorite_drug/
%
My mental health is like a rainbow

All over the spectrum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hghc1/my_mental_health_is_like_a_rainbow/
%
"Anybody here named Jeff?"

Jeff: "Yes"
Geoff: "Yeos"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hgg1r/anybody_here_named_jeff/
%
Stephen Hawking says we only have 1000 more years left as a civilization

He's just mad that we haven't figured out how to get him out of that wheelchair by now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hgfve/stephen_hawking_says_we_only_have_1000_more_years/
%
Three men walk into a bar...

The fourth man ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hgaj2/three_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What does the Secret Service say when Donald Trump gets shot at?

"Donald! Duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hg9yo/what_does_the_secret_service_say_when_donald/
%
Steve Irwin: "Crikey! It's a deadly stingray! Let's poke it worry a stick!"

Deadly Stingray: "Crikey! It's a Steve Irwin! Let's poke it with a stick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hg5xt/steve_irwin_crikey_its_a_deadly_stingray_lets/
%
10 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date,.

Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hg1us/10_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_out_on/
%
Religion A priest gets into a car accident

There is a horrible car accident on the highway, a Catholic priest climbs out of his car and leans on some nearby wreckage and notices that a Jewish rabbi crawls up next to him.
"That was quite a wreck" the old priest says in a thick Irish accent.
"Oy vey, it sure wash" proclaims the rabbi.
The priest reaches into his coat and pulls out a flask of fine Irish whiskey and hands it to the rabbi,
"I bet you could use a wee bit of warming right now"
The rabbi says "I sure could" and takes a nice long snort of the whiskey. He hands it back and says "How about you father, I bet you could use one too?"
The priest waves his hands and say "No thanks, I'll wait until the police get here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hg1io/religion_a_priest_gets_into_a_car_accident/
%
Why is one side of the V always longer than the other when geese are flying south for the winter ?

It's because there are more geese on that side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hg0sz/why_is_one_side_of_the_v_always_longer_than_the/
%
The Ninja Turtles went to a weapons store. They all got what they wanted except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hfzn7/the_ninja_turtles_went_to_a_weapons_store_they/
%
What did the zit say to the other zit while they were making love?

Yeah you like that you dirty pore?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hfywa/what_did_the_zit_say_to_the_other_zit_while_they/
%
How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hfql5/how_much_room_is_needed_for_fungi_to_grow/
%
Stephen Hawking finally published his new book.

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hfq07/stephen_hawking_finally_published_his_new_book/
%
An old woman rode her old mule into town.

She walked up and tied her old mule to a hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face
and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon
with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed,
" Hey old woman. Have you ever danced?"
the old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said,
"No, i never did dance.... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started
shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector,
not wanting to get a toe blown off,
started hopping around.
Everybody was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired,
the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and*
turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule,
pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and
cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned
around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old
woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands,
as she quietly said,
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ***?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
"No ma'am.... But.... I've always wanted to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hfpxn/an_old_woman_rode_her_old_mule_into_town/
%
Can I get a loan?

This one’s my absolute favorite because it’s so true (I know cause I’m Iranian):
An Iranian man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the Iranian hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the Iranian, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After the Iranian leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Iranian man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hfp9v/can_i_get_a_loan/
%
An Atheist, a Vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar

I only know that because they told everyone all about it within 2 minutes... and again..and again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hfmqp/an_atheist_a_vegan_and_a_crossfitter_walk_into_a/
%
Dwarf Incident

I rear ended a car this morning...
I tell you, it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a
DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hfm6t/dwarf_incident/
%
A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher.

She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hflmp/a_little_girl_cuts_her_hand_on_the_playground_and/
%
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.” The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through. The Englishman says, “a pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork!” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are you doing?” And the New Yorker responds, “So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hfi5r/a_frenchman_an_englishman_and_a_new_yorker_were/
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How was copper wire invented?

Two jews fighting over a penny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hffyr/how_was_copper_wire_invented/
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Girls like bad boys, so why can't I get a girlfriend?

I'm bad at literally everything. (If you came here expecting a joke, I'm sorry, the joke is my life)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hff9m/girls_like_bad_boys_so_why_cant_i_get_a_girlfriend/
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What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hfecu/what_happens_to_a_frogs_car_when_it_breaks_down/
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A feminist once asked me, "What's your view on lesbians?"

I said "1080p"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hfdhl/a_feminist_once_asked_me_whats_your_view_on/
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Santa is not black!

You just need to clean your chimney!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hfbi3/santa_is_not_black/
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[NSFW] What's the difference between a sex doll and a store mannequin?

Persistence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hfae4/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_sex_doll_and/
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Sesame Street never allowed Mrs. Piggy to count to 100.

Everytime she made it to 69, she got a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hf7a6/sesame_street_never_allowed_mrs_piggy_to_count_to/
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What do you call a holy man who works at McDonald's?

A Friar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hf5sl/what_do_you_call_a_holy_man_who_works_at_mcdonalds/
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Rabbi Joke (oldie)

A woman comes in to see her Rabbi and says "my husband doesn't listen to anything I say, I think he doesn't appreciate me!"
"You are right" replies the Rabbi nodding solemnly, and the woman leaves satisfied.
The next day, the husband comes into see the Rabbi and says "my wife told me that you said I don't appreciate her -- but the truth of the matter is that she never shuts her yap to appreciate me!"
"You are right" replies the Rabbi nodding solemnly, and the man leaves satisfied.
The junior Rabbi having witnessed both events is confused, and approaches the Rabbi with his dilemma.
"You said that the wife was right, and yet you also said that the husband was right. They cannot both be right!" he exclaims.
"You are right" replies the Rabbi, nodding solemnly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hf598/rabbi_joke_oldie/
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Joe was chopping wood with his Dad

Joe: Dad, I think I want to be a pilot!
Dad: That's great, start over there. You can grab that wood and pile it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hf4lm/joe_was_chopping_wood_with_his_dad/
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Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?

The cow has the udder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hf2hp/why_does_a_milking_stool_only_have_3_legs/
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The number of dead memes on this subreddit,

It's over 9000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hf1uv/the_number_of_dead_memes_on_this_subreddit/
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Did you hear about the man who faked leprosy to get charity handouts?

It was a leper con.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hf17e/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_faked_leprosy_to/
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What has 60 legs and 8 teeth?

The front row of a Country concert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hf164/what_has_60_legs_and_8_teeth/
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Do you know whats really odd?

Numbers not divisible by 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hf0ai/do_you_know_whats_really_odd/
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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, what happens in Japan stays in Japan

Until she turns 18, that is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hexo6/what_happens_in_vegas_stays_in_vegas_what_happens/
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I was reading a book on cross country and kept coming across this one joke...

It was a running joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hewiq/i_was_reading_a_book_on_cross_country_and_kept/
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My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books,

but he's got only his shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hewb2/my_friend_recently_got_crushed_by_a_pile_of_books/
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Why are antivax parents so afraid of their kids getting autism?

Because they know, first hand, how hard life is when you're a fucking retard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hevv5/why_are_antivax_parents_so_afraid_of_their_kids/
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What do you call an origional joke on r/jokes

Mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hevbh/what_do_you_call_an_origional_joke_on_rjokes/
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Did you hear about the mute motorcycle gang?

They don't answer to nobody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hesdo/did_you_hear_about_the_mute_motorcycle_gang/
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An English, Irish and Scottish man are all locked up for a year.

During this time they are allowed a years supply of one thing. So they go up to the irish man and ask what he wants "ehh a years supply of Guinness will do me great" he says and they lock him away. Then the scottish man "ayy ill av a years supply o whiskey" then they lock him away. Then they get to the English man "erm, i dunno, ahh fuck it give me a years supply of ciggerets" and they lock him away. A year passes by and its time to let the men out. So they open the Irish mans door and he comes stumbling out singing a Irish folk song and then drops dead, liver failure. Then they open the scottish mans door, everyone waits for him to emerge, but he doesnt he is found dead in his cell, liver failure. Then it comes to opening the English mans cell. Eveyone waits in antisipation to see whats happend to him. The English man walks out of the cell "anyone got a light"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hes0l/an_english_irish_and_scottish_man_are_all_locked/
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I am a feminist.

Unless you tell me to go and bring you a sandwich. I'm also a waitress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hema6/i_am_a_feminist/
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Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippy?

Because he was too far out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5helz1/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_drowning_hippy/
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What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?

Anything you want. He can't hear you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5helyy/what_do_you_call_an_elf_wearing_earmuffs/
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What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa Claus?

A rebel without a claus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5helof/what_do_you_call_a_kid_who_doesnt_believe_in/
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My Grandad placed three cups on the table, open end down.

Then he put a ball under one of the cups and moved them around the table really fast.
After thirty seconds of this, he stopped and said, "Okay, which one is it under?"
"The middle one."
"Well done! How did you know?"
"Because your other testicle is connected to it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5helnm/my_grandad_placed_three_cups_on_the_table_open/
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Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hekxs/why_is_christmas_just_like_your_job/
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What do you call a women with one leg?

ilene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hektg/what_do_you_call_a_women_with_one_leg/
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Marriage

If I answer a question and my wife isn't around to hear it, am I still wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5heeph/marriage/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He flushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hedna/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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Do you know the difference between lunch and a blowjob?

You don't???
We should have lunch sometime!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hed7c/do_you_know_the_difference_between_lunch_and_a/
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How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5he7zx/how_do_you_milk_sheep/
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There once lived a hunter,

There once lived a hunter who missed more than he hit the target.
His problem was that he shouted the phrase **“Oh, fuck I missed!”**, every time he missed a shot.
His friends and family who were concerned took him to a priest to see if fear of God could make him stop cursing.
After meeting the hunter, the priest told him that, Swearing is a sin and we as God’s children should not commit them.
So the Archer agreed that swearing needed to stop, hence he requested the priest to go with him the next time he went hunting.
The priest agreed and they both went out the next day to a forest.
The hunter took his first shot and missed. He shouted, **“Oh, fuck I missed!”**
To which the priest warned him, “Son, do not sin. For the lord is watching over you now.”
The hunter apologized and got ready to take his next shot.
He missed and again he shouted even louder **“Oh, fuck I missed!”**
The priest was furious now, he shouted at the hunter with the words “Son, you are making the lord angry. Once more curse word from your mouth and the lord will strike thunder upon you!”
The hunter got scared and with nervousness took his final shot.
Again, he missed.
And again, he shouted **“Oh, fuck I missed!”**
As he finished the sentence, there was a thunder lighting and it hit the priest.
And the priest died.
The hunter was confused. And after 10 secs, he hears a voice from above and it sounded awful lot familiar to **"Oh, fuck I missed!”**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5he7tz/there_once_lived_a_hunter/
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I met a German girl today.

Her phone number is pretty weird, it's all nines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5he75j/i_met_a_german_girl_today/
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What do you say to a 25 year old driving a Buick?

Sorry about your grandmother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5he4f1/what_do_you_say_to_a_25_year_old_driving_a_buick/
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I got asked out by 7 girls today...

I was in the girls washroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5he2on/i_got_asked_out_by_7_girls_today/
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What's the difference between a crow and a raven?

All birds have tail feathers that help them fly called pinions. Crows have 3 pinions and ravens have 4. The difference is just a matter of a pinion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5he1n0/whats_the_difference_between_a_crow_and_a_raven/
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The truth about Hillary Clinton

[Deleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5he08x/the_truth_about_hillary_clinton/
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So a guy walks into bar and reaches into his pocket...

From his pocket, he produces a very small grand piano. A moment later, he produces a 1ft tall man from his other pocket and places him down next to the piano. The little man immediately sits down and begins to play the piano, and remarkably well at that. The bar patrons are amazed and one of them approaches the man.
"That's amazing!" he says. "Where did you get that little guy?"
"Oh, I got him from this magic lamp." says the first man, holding up an old oil lamp. "Just give it a rub, but it doesn't work quite the way you expect."
The other guy doesn't listen, grabs the lamp, rubs it and waits.
Then a duck walks into the bar.
And then another duck.
And another one, until the whole bar is filled with ducks.
"Hey!" Yells the patron. "I wished for a million bucks, not a millions ducks!"
"I know how you feel man." Says the first guy. "Do you honestly think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hdyny/so_a_guy_walks_into_bar_and_reaches_into_his/
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One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school, to tell the children about his success...

One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school, to tell the children about his success, and to show off his ‘intelligence’.
The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.
Trump decided to help the children learn the word ‘tragedy’, and asked the following question to them:
“What would be a tragedy, kids?”
A bespectacled boy nervously answers:
“If my best friend died of pneumonia, that would be a tragedy.”
“No, that would be a great loss,” Trump corrects him.
Another shy young child answers:
“If my uncle got hit by a train, that would be a tragedy.”
“No, no, that would be an accident,” Trump replies.
A young girl raises her hand. The wealthy businessman asks her if she’d like to give an example of a tragedy. The girl nods, and says:
“If Mr. Trump was in his private jet, and a missile hit the jet, that would be a tragedy.”
“Yes, that would be a tragedy for sure. Can you tell me why?” The businessman asks.
“Well, it definitely wasn’t a great loss, and I’m not sure if it was an accident, either,” answers the young girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hdvsm/one_day_donald_trump_visited_an_elementary_school/
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I saw my mother-in-law tying herself to the train tracks. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing.

I looked at her, my eyes widened, and said, "Don't do it!"
"Why the hell not?!" she yelled.
I said, "They aren't running today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hdss6/i_saw_my_motherinlaw_tying_herself_to_the_train/
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I won 300 million dollars in the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

They sent me a letter saying "thank you for your 25 cent donation".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hdrgt/i_won_300_million_dollars_in_the_lottery_and/
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Whats the most disappointing thing for dads on Christmas?

When he gets a sweater, but he was hoping for a screamer or a squirter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hdpke/whats_the_most_disappointing_thing_for_dads_on/
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As a doctor, I've never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby before

but let me give it a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hdk9r/as_a_doctor_ive_never_made_a_joke_about_an/
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I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hdk4j/i_bought_a_locket_today_and_put_my_own_picture_in/
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My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried...

Apparently  "Balls deep in your sister" was not the answer she was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hdjng/my_wife_asked_me_where_id_like_to_be_buried/
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Three skiimen have to stay inside for the night, but there is only one bed.

They decide to share it and go to sleep. In the morning they get ready to go out and ask each other what they dreamed about. The guy on one side said "I dreamt of a beautiful brunette and we had sex all night.", the guy on the other side said " I dreamt of a beautifull blonde and we had sex all night."; and the guy in the middle said "I dreamt of skiing all night with two short skii sticks but sticky snow got in my eyes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hdhyd/three_skiimen_have_to_stay_inside_for_the_night/
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Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels.

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hdhmn/whats_the_difference_between_amy_winehouse_and/
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Mickie and Minnie Mouse are getting divorced

When Mickie is sitting down with the divorce lawyer, the lawyer says "So let me get this straight, you want a divorce because Minnie is crazy?" "No!" Mickie responds, "Shes fucking Goofie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hde0r/mickie_and_minnie_mouse_are_getting_divorced/
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What is a south Koreans favorite fruit?

An impeach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hdbae/what_is_a_south_koreans_favorite_fruit/
%
A woman, her baby and a man are sitting in a train coach

The woman is trying to breast feed her baby, but the baby keeps turning away.
Woman: Come on, drink the milk. Drink the milk or I will give it to this man instead.
The man casts her a surprised glance but stays quiet.
Woman: Take the breast. Come on, you don't want for this nice man to drink your milk, do you? I will give it to him if you keep refusing.
This goes on for awhile, with the woman trying to get her baby to take the breast and the man not saying anything. Eventually the man gets frustrated and shouts:
"Make up your mind already, this is the third stop I miss!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hda7r/a_woman_her_baby_and_a_man_are_sitting_in_a_train/
%
An English, Irish and Scottish man sat in a bar..

They are explaining how good they are at pleasuring their wives, the Irish man starts with "when im with my wife i start by licking from her toes up her thighs and sliding my tongue in her, she rises a inch off the bed" the scottish man now pushing in says "ayy mate thats fuck all, when im with my wife, i lay her down and lick her from head to toe and do anything she asks and she rises 2 inches off the bed" the English man looks at them both and says "thats nothing, when im finished fucking my wife, i wipe my knob on the curtains and she hits the fucking roof"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hda3w/an_english_irish_and_scottish_man_sat_in_a_bar/
%
Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone...

What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hd9q2/just_got_home_and_found_all_the_doors_and_windows/
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A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals

She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give us?"
Her students paused for a moment and they all shouted "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hd9lm/a_first_grade_teacher_was_trying_to_teach_her/
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Marrying a Canadian woman

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hd90f/marrying_a_canadian_woman/
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What do you call Pope Benedict after his final day in the papal office?

Ex-Benedict.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hd8zi/what_do_you_call_pope_benedict_after_his_final/
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A woman is in a bar..

She is walking out of the women's bathroom when this man grabs her arm and says "wow youre beautiful" the woman smiles, then the man adds "id love to drink Guinness from your minge" disgusted  the woman storms back to her husband who is sat on the over side of the bar. "You wont believe what that guy just said to me" she says nearly tearing up, "who, what?" Replies the husband. She starts explaing " well at first he said i was beautiful" the husband smiles "well you are". She continues "no no thats not all, then he said he wants to drink Guinness from my, well you know" the husband now angry stands up "who said it, tell me who said it ill av em" the woman points the the man on the other side of the bar "it was him, he said it" the husband replies "no, no way. That's Henry" the woman now tearing up on the brink of crying "it was i swear, why would i lie?" The husband leans back "nope, no way, iv know Henry for 6 years and there is no way he can drink 10 pints of Guinness"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hd85a/a_woman_is_in_a_bar/
%
PR manager, philosopher, translator and a journalist walk into a bar

The Bartender says: "Hey Tony! Four bachelor's degrees, but still no luck finding a job?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hd6z1/pr_manager_philosopher_translator_and_a/
%
One day a penguin is driving down the country side..

Its a scorching july day. All of a sudden a cracking and chugging sound starts coming from the engine. So the penguin decides to coast it to the nearest garage which is about half a mile down the road. So he pulls up in this little village not too big with a few stores and cafe's and finally pulls into the garage. The mechanic takes a one over of the engine and says "hey look its going to take a few hours, so you might want to come back a little later" the penguin content decides to take a look around the village do some shopping and what not, after about 2 hours the penguin decides to head back to the garage. It being over 90 degrees the penguin decides to stop at a ice cream place and get one for the walk back. Him being a penguin he struggles a little to eat the ice cream and ends up getting it all down his front and all over his beak and wings. He decides its no biggie and the garage will have a sink to clean up so he heads back. Arriving back at the garage, the mechanic looks at the penguin and says "i know what you've done, you've blew a seal" to which the penguin replys "no its just fucking ice cream mate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hd5rl/one_day_a_penguin_is_driving_down_the_country_side/
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Abdul the Indian wife beater punches his wife every night at 7pm.

On the dot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hd59l/abdul_the_indian_wife_beater_punches_his_wife/
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Who just can't get enough of one liners?

Coke addicts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hd4sn/who_just_cant_get_enough_of_one_liners/
%
Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "They gave those away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hd10z/wife_dreamed_that_she_was_attending_a_dick_auction/
%
My chemistry teacher gave me some Sodium Hypobromite...

My chemistry teacher gave me some Sodium Hypobromite, but I was like "NaBrO". He asked if that was supposed to be funny. I said, "That's my only chemistry joke, the other ones are boron, all the good ones argon".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hcyia/my_chemistry_teacher_gave_me_some_sodium/
%
A teacher in a junior school is asking the children about farm animals.

The teacher askes Lilly, "what does a sheep sound like?" Lilly's eyes light up as she knows the answer. "It goes BAAA" she says excited. Then the teacher askes Ben, "what does a cow sound like?" Ben quickly answers "MOOO!!" And finally the teacher asks Dwayne Jr "what does the pig sound like?" Dwayne also knowing the answer shouts "Drop it nigger, get on the fucking ground!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hcxi2/a_teacher_in_a_junior_school_is_asking_the/
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A man is struggling to keep his dog under control when..

It leads him off into a graveyard and starts relieving itself on one of the gravestones. The man sees a woman approaching in the distance, he begins to panic.
Woman: "morning"
Man: "No, my dog's just taking a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hcxfu/a_man_is_struggling_to_keep_his_dog_under_control/
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Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine

They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hcwlj/condoms_were_invented_by_arabicmuslims_sometime/
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A cowboy, bored with his life, decides to head east...

He embarks by train from California, hoping to seek a new job and new adventures.
Somewhere in Arizona, the train slows down at a small station and passengers stream on and off. Looking through a window, the cowboy sees an old Native American man wearing what looks like the garb of a powerful Indian chief, sitting on the platform. He stares at the old Indian until a man next to him on the train leans over and whispers, "That old wiseman has the best memory in the world. He remembers Everything that has ever happened to him, from the day he was born! You can ask him Anything that has ever happened to him, and he'll be able to answer you correctly."
Amazed and curious, the cowboy jumps off the train and runs over to the Indian. "Are you the guy who remembers everything?" the cowboy asks. The Indian nods silently. The cowboy starts trying to think of a good question to ask the Indian.. but the train conductor begins calling All Aboard, and the train begins to chug. "Uhh... ahhh...." the cowboy frantically searches for something, Anything to ask the Indian.. the train begins to roll slowly forward... the cowboy panics!
"Ah... what did you have for breakfast?!"
"Eggs," the Indian replies.
Cursing his lack of creativity, the cowboy sprints back onto the train. As it pulls away from the station, he grumbles to himself about how weak of a question he had chosen, and what an opportunity he had lost. He fixates on his failure, and cannot find fulfillment in any job in any town all across the country.. all he cares about is finding that Indian again, and redeeming himself. He begins searching across the nation, seeking out gatherings of Indians, wandering from tribe to tribe looking for clues to the old chief's whereabouts. Over time, he learns many Native American languages and becomes familiar with the customs and stories of many of the different groups.. but still he cannot find the chief. He continues searching for years, until years turn into decades, and eventually he, too, is an old man. Sighing in resignation one day, he wearily boards a train headed west, back to California; if he must die unfulfilled, at least he can die where he was born.
And, of course, You, dear reader, know where this is going..  because of how much the universe loves a good narrative, the train pulls into another nondescript little station somewhere in Arizona... and there, on the platform, looking almost the same way he did on that fateful afternoon so many years ago, sits the chief.
Tears in his eyes, the old cowboy hobbles off the train and approaches the ancient wiseman with all the respect and deference he had learned from his time among the tribes. Preparing to redeem himself with a new and better conversation, the cowboy raises his hand solemnly and greets the chief: "How!"
The chief nods, and says,
"Scrambled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hcvls/a_cowboy_bored_with_his_life_decides_to_head_east/
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Why did Walt Disney visit a mechanic?

He wanted to get his Car tuned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hcukf/why_did_walt_disney_visit_a_mechanic/
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If I were to tell you that we might go to war with friendly countries soon, well...

allied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hcu77/if_i_were_to_tell_you_that_we_might_go_to_war/
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A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hcqz5/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between you and a baby bird.

The bird got laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hcqfz/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_a_baby_bird/
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Have you heard about that new movie, "Constipation"? ...No?

That's because it hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hcnna/have_you_heard_about_that_new_movie_constipation/
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I once met a girl with 12 nipples

Sounds funny, dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hclzk/i_once_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
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I'm not sure if putting Christmas lights up would offend my Jewish neighbours.

So just to be sure, i'll hang a massive swastika in my window too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hcgpw/im_not_sure_if_putting_christmas_lights_up_would/
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[Long] An old gambler sits down at a bar and orders a drink. After a few drinks the gambler calls the bartender over and says "I'll bet you $100 dollars I can wrap my knee around my neck.

"The bartender thinks to himself that's impossible there's no way that old man is that limber so he says "I'll take that bet" and pulls a $100 dollars from the drawer. The old gambler removes his prosthetic leg and wraps it around his neck grabs the hundred dollars and buys another round.
After a few more drinks he calls the bartender down again and says "I'll bet you'll double or nothing on that $100 that I can lick my eye ball." The bartender thinks to himself I know this isn't possible and says "alright I'll take that bet" and pulls out $200 from the drawer and places it on the bar. The old gambler removes his glass eye, licks it, and snatches the $200 dollars off the bar.
So after downing a few more drinks the gambler is obviously drunk and calls the bartender down and says "look I'll give you another opportunity get your money back I'll bet you double or nothing on this $300 that I can take this empty bottle down in front of those guys at the end of the bar piss into the bottle and not spill a drop on the bar." The bartender thinks to himself he's tricked me twice but there's no way a man can piss into a bottle and not spill any. So reluctantly the bar tender says "I know that's not possible, I'll take that bet" and removes $600 dollars from drawer.
The gambler goes down to the end off the bar and pisses all over the bar, and doesn't get one drop in the bottle. The bartender is laughing uncontrollably, and the gambler is too when he gets back to his seat. The bartender says "what are you laughing for you just lost $900" and the gambler responds "yeah I know, but I bet those guys at the end of $5000 I could piss all over your bar and have you laugh about it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hcg4k/long_an_old_gambler_sits_down_at_a_bar_and_orders/
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Wanna dance?

Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the another one was beautiful.
Dave walked straight to the ugly girl.
Dave: Hello!
Ugly girl: Hi!!
Dave: Wanna dance?
Ugly Girl: Yes (excited)
Dave: OK, Go and dance. I wanna talk to your friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hcdgy/wanna_dance/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a mason jar full of money on the counter

*"You sure get a lot of tips"* he says.
"That's not a tip jar" says the bartender "you see, we like to play a little game here. You put five bucks into the jar, you get three tasks, and if you complete them, the entire jar is yours. Wanna play?
*"Sure, why not?"*
"Alright, here we go. You see that bottle of vodka on the counter? Drain it in one go. There's an angry doberman in the backyard. His right canine tooth hurts. Pull it out. And also, there's an old hag living in the apartment building opposite the bar. She hasn't had a man in almost 30 years. You'll have to sleep with her. What do you say?"
*"I guess I could do that"*
He grabs the bottle and drains it. Then he stumbles drunkenly out of the bar and into the backyard. There's a great commotion - barking, shouting, whining, sounds of struggle... After a while he walks in, torn and bloodied, and says:
*"Aaalright! Where's that old hag with a toothache?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hca9x/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_mason_jar_full/
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On her wedding night with her third husband...

On her wedding night, Janine told her new husband how excited she was to finally have sex. Her husband said, "Wait a minute, you were married twice already. How is this possible?"
The wife responds, "Well my first husband was paralyzed from the waist down, so bless his heart, but we never laid together as man and wife."
The husband, still puzzled by the situation says, "Oh okay, well what about your second husband, was he paralyzed as well?"
The wife kind of laughs and says, "No, he was a United States Senator. So every night he just sat at the end of the bed and told me how great it was going to be next time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hc5qa/on_her_wedding_night_with_her_third_husband/
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A man sees an armless woman crying on the beach...

He walks over to her and says "I'm sorry but I couldn't help but notice you were crying, what seems to be the problem?"
The woman replies "well, it's just that in my whole life, I've never been kissed"
So the man, being the smooth gentleman that he is, bends down and kisses her softly on the lips.
The woman cracks a smile but then goes back to crying.
The man asks, "oh no, what seems to be the problem now my dear?"
The woman replies, "well, it's just that in my whole life, I've never been fucked"
So the man reaches down, and picks her up in his arms, and swiftly tosses her into the ocean saying "well your fucked now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hc4rd/a_man_sees_an_armless_woman_crying_on_the_beach/
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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hc37r/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
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What do you call children who are afraid of Santa ?

They are Clausaphobic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hc34t/what_do_you_call_children_who_are_afraid_of_santa/
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A woman's husband had just recently died and she was talking with the mortician about the funeral service

"Ma'am, I have outdone myself." Said the mortician. "Your husband has been madeover to perfection. His hair has been perfectly coiffed, his makeup was done by my expert niece and-"
The widow started crying. The mortician, sympathetic to her recent loss, hands her a tissue. "I understand that this is a tough thing to go through-"
"No, no," sobbed the widow, "I mean, I miss my husband so much, but I'm crying because his last words to me was about his wish to be buried in his favorite gray suit. But his grey suit was so old and had holes and was musty.... can you do me one last favor? Please go down to the men's wear store in town. Please buy him a nice grey suit. I can't bear to bury him in black against his wishes."
The mortician agreed to do this for her.
Two days later, the widow's husband has been buried, and she goes to thank the mortician. "How much do I owe you for the suit?" "Not a dime, Ma'am." The mortician is beaming.
"No, I insist on paying for the suit."
"Ma'am, it didn't cost me a thing." Said the mortician.
"..  He WAS buried in a grey suit, right?"
"Yup."
"How was it free?"
"Well you see, Ma'am, a lady came in just after you left. Her husband had died too. She too was crying because her husband was getting buried in a GRAY suit and she wanted him buried in black. The solution was simple.
"I just switched the heads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hc2qc/a_womans_husband_had_just_recently_died_and_she/
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Catholic priest joke

A priest kept chickens at his village. One evening, one of them went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering the priest asked:
-Who has a cock?
All the men got up
-No, I mean who has seen a cock?
All the men and women got up
-No, no, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?
All the women got up
-Oh, for heavens sake, who has seen my cock
All the nuns got up
The boys choir, also, slowly got up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hc0t4/catholic_priest_joke/
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Two muffins are sitting in an oven...

One muffin says to the other, "Man it's hot it here."
The other muffin looks back at him and says, "What the fuck? A talking muffin?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hc0ml/two_muffins_are_sitting_in_an_oven/
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My friend tried to annoy me with bird puns

But he didn't know toucan play that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbzz1/my_friend_tried_to_annoy_me_with_bird_puns/
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbwyv/two_sisters_one_blonde_and_one_brunette_inherit/
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A duck walks into a 7-11 and waddles up to the clerk...

"Do you have any grapes?", the duck asks.  The clerk tells the duck that no, they don't sell grapes because they are not a supermarket and to try somewhere else.  The duck thanks the man and waddles out.
The next day, the duck comes back and waddles up to the counter and asks the same man if they have any grapes.  The man seems irritated and sternly tells the duck, "No, we didn't have grapes yesterday and we don't have them today either."  The duck thanks the man and waddles out.
The third day, the duck comes in the store and when the guy working sees him, he immediately becomes irritated.  The duck waddles up to the counter and asks if they have any grapes.  The man behind the counter yells at the duck, "Look!  I told you we don't have grapes.  We don't sell grapes, and we never will sell grapes!  If you come back asking for grapes one more time, I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor."  The duck pauses for a minute, thanks the man and leaves.
The following day the duck comes in and waddles up to the counter.  Before the worker has time to say anything, the duck asks, 'Hey, do you have any nails?"  The worker replies, "What.... No, why the hell would I have..."
"Do you have any grapes"
This was the first joke my dad told me and he passed away yesterday so I figured now is a good time to share it.  Hope some of you enjoy it as much as I still do each time I tell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbwic/a_duck_walks_into_a_711_and_waddles_up_to_the/
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Where do gay midgets come out from?

The cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbw0c/where_do_gay_midgets_come_out_from/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar filled to the brim with 10 dollar bills.

He's incredulous. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbv73/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_jar_filled_to/
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Why do Mexicans make tamales for Christmas?

To have something to unwrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbuzk/why_do_mexicans_make_tamales_for_christmas/
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*LONG* 3 men went jungle tracking, got lost and captured by a tribe of cannibals.

3 men went jungle tracking, got lost and captured by a tribe of cannibals. They all pleaded with the tribe leader to let them go.
Since Christmas is around the corner, the tribe leader is in a good mood and promise to let them go if they can individually complete 2 task given by the tribe leader.
For the first task, the tribe leader instructs the 3 of them to go around the jungle and collect 10 fruits of the same type.
The first man came back with 10 strawberries. The tribe leader said, for the second task, if you can insert all 10 strawberries into your ass, I will let you go. With some struggle, the first man inserted all 10 strawberries into his ass and the tribe leader let him go.
The second man came back shortly with 10 apples. The tribe leader said, for the second task, if you can insert all 10 apples into your ass, I will let you go. With a lot of struggle, the second man tried his best to insert all 10 apples into his ass. After 5 apples, the second man's ass begin to tear. But ass tear is better than being eaten, thought the second man. So he persevered and continue stuffing apples into his ass. With great pain, he managed to insert 9 apples into his ass. One more to go, he thought. Suddenly, he started laughing uncontrollably and accidentally shat out all 9 apples. The tribe leader then gave the order to kill the second man and he was devoured.
At St Peter's gate, the second man was asked "You were not scheduled to die. You were so close. Why did you laugh?"
The second man said, "I saw the third man coming back. He was holding 10 durians with him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbqok/long_3_men_went_jungle_tracking_got_lost_and/
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What's the difference between snowmen and snow-women?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbpm5/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
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God and Moses are playing golf on Saturn one day...

Moses says to god, "What you got planned for the weekend G?  Wanna head out to mercury and lay on the beach, drink some beers, maybe get some ass?
God says "Nah man, last time I went out there I got hammered and passed out in the sun, woke up with the worst sunburn ever, ruined my whole trip...  think I'll just stay here and play a few rounds of golf, relax a little."
Few holes later Moses turns to God and says "What about we head to Mars, go hit the dance clubs up?  Drink some beers try to get a little ass?"
God says "Shit I haven't been clubbing in years bro, last time I was on Mars I was chatting up this bad ass bitch half the night buying her drinks and shit, just about to seal the deal and her boyfriend showed up and kicked my ass...  kinda soured me on the whole club scene."  Think I'll just stay here and play some golf.
Last hole comes around, Moses really wants to go do some shit this weekend so he's been milking it over, finally turns to God "Bro!  I got the perfect plan...  let's go hit up earth.  They got everything, dance clubs, beaches...  we can do whatever and you can get a few rounds of golf in while we're there."
God says "Shit man I would but last time I went to earth I messed around with this broad who told me she was a virgin, knocked her up and they've been talking about that shit ever since."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbpan/god_and_moses_are_playing_golf_on_saturn_one_day/
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Just when I thought life couldn't get any harder...

I accidentally take Viagra for my migraine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbjxk/just_when_i_thought_life_couldnt_get_any_harder/
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While Tarzan was swinging through the jungle one day he missed a branch And fell to the jungle floor.

He woke up in the witch doctors hut where he was told they had to replace his eye with an eagles eye, his arm with a monkey arm, his legs with a cheetahs legs and his penis with an elephants trunk.
The witch doctor told him to go home and come back if he has any problems
A week went by and Tarzan went back to the Witch doctors.
The doctor asked "whats the issue? is it the eagle eye?"
Tarzan replied " no. Now i can see for miles away"
The doctor asked "is it the monkey arms?
Tarzan replied " no. Now i can swing from trees all day long without getting tired."
The doctor asked "is it the cheetah legs?"
Tarzan replied "No. i can run super fast now which is great for hunting"
The doctor said " so its the elephant trunk for you penis."
Tarzan said " well a Jane likes it but it keeps sticking grass up my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbha5/while_tarzan_was_swinging_through_the_jungle_one/
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A friend told me this one...

Why did the cyclops close his school?
Because he only had one pupil!
The joke is that I have no friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbh5m/a_friend_told_me_this_one/
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Ever tried eating a clock?

It's time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbgg0/ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
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An elderly man moved into a nursing home.

After he'd been there a few days, a nurse noticed him leaning to the right, and strapped his left arm to the chair. A few days later, she noticed him leaning to the left, and strapped his right arm to the chair. Not long after that, she noticed him leaning forward in his chair, so she strapped him to the back of the chair. His daughter came to visit him. "How do you like this place?" she asked him. "It's not bad," he replied, "except they won't let me fart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbemf/an_elderly_man_moved_into_a_nursing_home/
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A flying saucer lands in the middle of a farm one evening...

The farmer and his wife witness the landing and decide to investigate, discovering a male and female Martian couple aboard the craft. Being friendly, the farm couple invites the Martians to dinner back at the farmhouse.
One glass of wine turns into several, the conversation turns raunchy, and the couples decide to swap partners for the night.
Later on the human female is lying naked in the bed and the Martian male drops his pants. She's shocked that his penis resembles a pen cap in shape and size and scowls. The Martian says, "Watch this!" while he yanks on his left ear. His member engorges to a foot long. He then yanks on his right ear, and his dick swells to the diameter of a Pringles can. The two make passionate love all night.
The next morning, the human wife asks her husband how the night went. He said, "Not that great, all she did was play with my ears!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbdpa/a_flying_saucer_lands_in_the_middle_of_a_farm_one/
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Is your refrigerator running?

Then you better go catch it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbdlb/is_your_refrigerator_running/
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A married couple with children made a code word for sex..

The code phrase is "Typing a letter".
So on a Friday movie night, the husband is in the mood and asks his wife around their children, "would you like to type some letters tonight?". The wife says they're watching a good movie, maybe tomorrow.
Saturday comes and the husband is now in heat, all day keeps asking to "type". Finally at night as the kids are tucked in, the wife softly asks, "I'm sorry for making you wait, do you wanna type the letter now, honey?", to which the husband replies:
"Forget it, it's been handwritten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbbeb/a_married_couple_with_children_made_a_code_word/
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When do cows go to sleep?

Pasture bedtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hbaa4/when_do_cows_go_to_sleep/
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I used to hate facial hair

But then it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hba8d/i_used_to_hate_facial_hair/
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How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the lightbulb really dead?". Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hb9m4/how_many_trump_supporters_does_it_take_to_change/
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Is your name Jingle Bells?

Because you look like you go all the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hb8az/is_your_name_jingle_bells/
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What did the 0 say to the 8?

"Nice belt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hb8au/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
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When I first met my boyfriend, he told me he shared something in common with the KKK...

He was right, that man is a wizard under the sheets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hb7kx/when_i_first_met_my_boyfriend_he_told_me_he/
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Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day..

Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?"
Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know señor , I ask the cooks.
"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No señor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, señor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "señor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"señor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hb5l2/two_old_jewish_men_sid_and_abe_are_sitting_in_a/
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How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hb501/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_luke_was_getting/
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Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?

It's two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hb4st/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_up_by_itself/
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Sexual Exhaustion

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hb2kr/sexual_exhaustion/
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TIL about Mexican drug birds.

During the early 60s drug cartels would use South-American mallard flocks to smuggle drugs over the border.
The birds' predictable migration patterns and considerable size made them perfect for the job, until a few years later.
That's when the ducks got wise and just started smoking all the quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hb0v3/til_about_mexican_drug_birds/
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Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day...

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hb0iy/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_eats_for_a_day/
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It was late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he’d never learned the old tribal secrets. He couldn’t look at the sky to predict what the winter was going to be like.
firewood
"It's going to be a very cold winter."
So just to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But after several days, he had an idea. He went to the reservation’s phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Will it be cold this winter?”
“Oh, yes,” the meteorologist at the Weather Service replied, “It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.”
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the meteorologist again replied, “It’s going to be a very cold.”
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you sure it’s going to be very cold winter?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
“Simple,” the weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hazt9/it_was_late_fall_and_the_indians_on_a_remote/
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There's 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand binary...

...and those that don't get beat up at lunch. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hayrz/theres_10_kinds_of_people_in_the_world_those_that/
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What has 300 legs and 16 boobs?

The breast cancer awareness 10K run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hay6d/what_has_300_legs_and_16_boobs/
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How do you make a dog drink?

Just throw it in the blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5havep/how_do_you_make_a_dog_drink/
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What did Sigmund Freud say when he had an epiphany?

Urethra!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5haujg/what_did_sigmund_freud_say_when_he_had_an_epiphany/
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If you're feeling down today....

Just know that earlier I took a two hour course online about why you should NEVER leave your Common Access Card unattended,
And then accidentally left it in the computer after I was done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hasuy/if_youre_feeling_down_today/
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Mario and Luigi were on the bus while visiting America

So Mario says to Luigi, "Emma comes first, then I come, two asses come together, I come again, two more asses, I pee two times, finally I come again." A woman overheard this and disgusted, she shouts, "Don't tell each other about your sexual experiences on the bus, you pervert!" Luigi says, "Relax, he was just telling me how to spell Mississippi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5haroj/mario_and_luigi_were_on_the_bus_while_visiting/
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Contractors don't go to Hell...

They go to purgatory.
Once a week Satan comes down, waves, and hollers, "Guys, don't worry.  You'll be out of here next week.  I promise!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5har7n/contractors_dont_go_to_hell/
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A son runs to his dad screaming: "Dad, I think I'm gay!"

The dad says: "And why's that?"
The child replies: "I think that Justin Bieber is kinda hot..."
The dad then says: "That doesn't mean you're gay, you just have a really bad taste in women!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5haovr/a_son_runs_to_his_dad_screaming_dad_i_think_im_gay/
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Looks like we got about 4 inches of snow last night

Or as my boyfriend calls it... 7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5halnf/looks_like_we_got_about_4_inches_of_snow_last/
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Looking for a Wife...

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hajrf/looking_for_a_wife/
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A bear walks into a bar and asks for a gin and............

.........tonic. The bartender says, "Okay, but why the big pause?" The bear looks down at his hands and replies, "I don't know, I was born with 'em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hagil/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_gin_and/
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I used to steal famous comedian's jokes

I still do, but I used to too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hafdy/i_used_to_steal_famous_comedians_jokes/
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Jesus and Mohammad are debating religion.

Jesus, with a smug smile, says: "My faith can move the tallest of mountains."
Mohammad confidently replies: "How well does it do with skyscrapers, brotha?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hae50/jesus_and_mohammad_are_debating_religion/
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[x-post from r/dyslexia] Today I misread 63 as 68 so it took me twice as long to get home with the public transport

Whoops, wrong bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hae0w/xpost_from_rdyslexia_today_i_misread_63_as_68_so/
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My programmer friend keeps telling me I'm using too many brackets.

I keep telling him that two wont hold all those books he never reads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5had2m/my_programmer_friend_keeps_telling_me_im_using/
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Why can black women twerk so well?

They learned from their father how to bounce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5hac62/why_can_black_women_twerk_so_well/
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I'm not a racist because racism is a crime

And crime is for black people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5habyp/im_not_a_racist_because_racism_is_a_crime/
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In the locker room after the game...

The guys have finished playing, have showered, and are getting dressed. Dennis pulls out a black lace bra and panties and starts to put them on.
His team mates begin laughing, and making fun of him. The coach asks, "Hey, Dennis! Since when did you start wearing women's underwear?"
Dennis replies, "Since my wife found them under the passenger seat of my car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5haate/in_the_locker_room_after_the_game/
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Daddy’s Car Go into the Woods with Aunt Jane

Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. ‘Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…’ At this point Mummy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.’ At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5haajr/daddys_car_go_into_the_woods_with_aunt_jane/
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Know how to get people to stop showing pictures of their kids?

reply with "Mmmm fuck yeah"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5haajg/know_how_to_get_people_to_stop_showing_pictures/
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Why is Yoda the worst copilot?

"Yoda, are we still going the right way?"
"Off course we are"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ha8f3/why_is_yoda_the_worst_copilot/
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A guy walks into a bar in Mexico, and sees a sign that says "If you can make this donkey laugh we will give you $100."

So the guy goes to the donkey and whispers something in his ear and the donkey starts laughing uncontrollably.  Then the guy walks straight to the bartender and collects the $100.
A week later the guy goes back to the bar and now the sign says "If you can make this donkey stop laughing we will give you $100." The bartender told the guy that the donkey hasn't stopped laughing since the last time he was in the bar. So the guy walks back to the donkey and in moments the donkey stops laughing!
The guys goes back to the bartender and collects another $100.  The bartender was in complete disbelief and asked the guy "how did you do it?"
The guy replied, "Well the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his."
"And this time?"
"I showed him."
(Sorry if you've heard this joke before, but an old friend just passed away and this was his favorite joke he told everyone)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ha6y9/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_in_mexico_and_sees_a_sign/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last as long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ha3pz/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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The time a fish met God, as told by the fish

I was swimming along and saw a worm, so I went and ate it. Then all the sudden I was being pulled towards a light. I looked up, and there was God, but he looked nothing like us. He looked at me and said                                                       "You're too small."                                                                        I had no idea what that meant, then he threw me back in the water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ha2hl/the_time_a_fish_met_god_as_told_by_the_fish/
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Some people have trouble sleeping...

...but I can do it with my eyes closed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ha15x/some_people_have_trouble_sleeping/
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A man goes outside to his driveway and spots a snail

Disgusted, he goes back inside and grabs the salt. Going back outside, he pours a good amount of salt on the snail. Satisfied, he goes about his day.
Two week later, he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and it's the snail. The snail looks up at him angrily.
"What the hell was that all about back there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9z2x/a_man_goes_outside_to_his_driveway_and_spots_a/
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You remind me of my step-son...

I'm only nice to you because I'm fucking your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9ya6/you_remind_me_of_my_stepson/
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A young, eager priest is assigned to a new parish...

A young, eager priest is assigned to a new parish, and the local bishop made a point of asking him to visit the elderly and infirm who weren’t able to attend Mass any longer. Wanting to make a good impression, the priest immediately had the parish secretary make him a list and he began to aggressively make the rounds. He’d been out all day and hadn’t stopped to eat, and he found himself at an older lady’s home, sitting next to an end table with a large bowl of peanuts. He began to munch on them while he and the older lady talked, and was surprised and embarrassed when he finished off the whole bowl.
“Oh dear. I’m so sorry,” he said, “I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts. I guess I never stopped to eat today.”
“That’s okay dear, I’ll make more,” said his hostess.
“Make more?”
“Oh yes. My son brings me chocolate covered peanuts all the time. And, you see, I love chocolate, *but I don’t eat peanuts*.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9x9c/a_young_eager_priest_is_assigned_to_a_new_parish/
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A blonde was walking throught the forest when she heard singing

Curious, she followed the sound until she came upon a set of train tracks. A brunette was dancing along the train tracks singing "27, 27, 27 27..."
The blonde yelled to her, "Hey! Why are you singing that for?"
The brunette ignores her and continues singing. "27, 27, 27, 27..."
The blonde shrugs and joins her in dancing and singing besides the train tracks. They both sing, "27, 27, 27, 27..."
The brunette, still singing, jumps onto the tracks and the blonde joins her, singing all the while.
A train whistle sounds in the distance. The blonde, engrossed in her new favorite song and dance, doesnt hear it.
The train comes around the corner fast. The brunette jumps off the tracks just in time, but the blonde is blissfully engrossed in her song and dance and gets hit by the train.
The brunette watches the train speed by calmly, and once it's gone and the dust has settled, she brushes herself off and started singing again.
"28, 28, 28, 28...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9x0h/a_blonde_was_walking_throught_the_forest_when_she/
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I don't really see many white people in London nowadays

Mainly because I've never been to London, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9wbv/i_dont_really_see_many_white_people_in_london/
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A man buys a Christmas tree.

As he goes to pay for the tree, the attendant says, "Are you putting the tree up yourself?"
The man replies, "Quit being disgusting.  I'm putting the tree in my living room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9vio/a_man_buys_a_christmas_tree/
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People that can't support their own arguments piss me off...

I don't know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9usr/people_that_cant_support_their_own_arguments_piss/
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A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a Pork pie.

The barman gives him his pint, and a nice fresh pork pie. He drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie, puts it on the top of his head and walks out, carefully balancing it on his noggin.
About 10 minutes later, he returns and goes to the bar. Again, the man asks for a pint and a pork pie.
The barman gladly serves him, and the man drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie, puts it on top of this head and walks out with it balanced on his head.
After 5 minutes, a second man walks into the pub and asks the barman for a pint and a pork pie.
The barman replies, "Sorry, we don't have any pork pies left, will a packet of crisps be OK?". The man says 'Sure, a packet of crisps will be fine.'
The second man drinks his pint, then takes the crisps out of the packet and starts balancing them on his head.
Unable to contain his confusion any longer, the barman asks "Excuse me, why are you balancing those crisps on your head?"
The man replies "Because there are no pork pies left!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9t1x/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_pint_and_a/
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I like musical instruments that you blow into. They're pretty...

*Breathtaking*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9sqd/i_like_musical_instruments_that_you_blow_into/
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I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9qyq/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_computer/
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is

All his professionalism goes right out the window.
He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor. TO which she replies, “Yes, checking for abnormalities.”
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her down on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, getting herpes – that’s why I’m here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9qyh/this_beautiful_woman_one_day_walks_into_a_doctors/
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An English class is writing an essay

One of the students asks how long the essay should be.
The teacher responds, "Like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep me interested".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9l8t/an_english_class_is_writing_an_essay/
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My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident

They will be mist... :'(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9ijc/my_grandparents_were_vaporised_in_a_freak_accident/
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My neighbour said, "Shall we go for a walk tomorrow?"

"Of course," I said. "I'll bring my dog if it looks nice."
She said, "Well, he looked like shit this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9ifz/my_neighbour_said_shall_we_go_for_a_walk_tomorrow/
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I hate three things

1. Haters
2. Lists
3. Hypocrites

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9hdt/i_hate_three_things/
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My Parents asked me what i wanted for christmas...

I said i want something to wear and something to play with.
So they got me a pair of pants with the pockets cut out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9f6p/my_parents_asked_me_what_i_wanted_for_christmas/
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A few weeks ago I had some drinks and woke up to a redhead with decent sized tits

Apparently I'm stuck with him till 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9egx/a_few_weeks_ago_i_had_some_drinks_and_woke_up_to/
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What did the mod say when he was wrong?

[BANNED]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9c0h/what_did_the_mod_say_when_he_was_wrong/
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How much is Donald Trump's life insurance worth?

One Pence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h9bb8/how_much_is_donald_trumps_life_insurance_worth/
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I hate people who talk behind my back.

They discussed me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h99dt/i_hate_people_who_talk_behind_my_back/
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Forget everything you learn...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h97td/forget_everything_you_learn/
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A guy had a small penis..

And he was super self conscious about it.  He had never been able to pleasure a woman properly. Every doctor he'd been to told him he was out of luck until, after years of searching, he found one from India that suggested,
"In my country we have a procedure where we can graft a piece of baby elephant trunk into your penis and the results will be astounding."
At his wits end the guy agreed and had the procedure done. After a couple of weeks of healing he was finally ready to go on a date and try out his new-found confidence.  He took a lovely lady to a fine restaurant and had a romantic dinner.  After eating he leaned back in his chair and wiped his hands on his napkin. When all of the sudden, his pants unzipped themselves, his penis reached up onto the table, felt around, grabbed a leftover breadstick and went back into his pants.
"WOAAAH" his date yelled, "do you think you could do that again?"
Squirming a little bit, he says, "Probably, but I don't think my butt could handle another breadstick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h97gk/a_guy_had_a_small_penis/
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An interviewer: asks, "How much milk do these cows give?"

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h96wt/an_interviewer_asks_how_much_milk_do_these_cows/
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So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem walks into a bar...

And I kid you not, he came out of NOWHERE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h95ms/so_this_guy_with_a_premature_ejaculation_problem/
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What's the difference between a prostitute and an onion?

I don't cry when cutting up the prostitute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h94ta/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_an/
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h945q/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_that/
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A blonde goes to the library to get a book.

A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."
The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h935z/a_blonde_goes_to_the_library_to_get_a_book/
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What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h90rn/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
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What do you call Irish sunscreen?

A pub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h8vuc/what_do_you_call_irish_sunscreen/
%
Once upon a time, there was a sand dune with legs.

Duney they called him, truly one of a kind - a war hero of great accomplishment and honour, until that one fateful night.
It was 7PM, and the sun's glow was falling. Duney was exhausted, stumbling with his gun's barrel scraping along the desert's sand.
That was when Duney's world entered a state of slow motion; a grenade had approached him, rolling closer toward him every second - BANG.
Duney arose from his unconscious the next morning, only to find himself laying on a small bed. The lights blinded him, his sand was loosely scattered on the covers, and he felt a tremendous ringing in his ears. A man proceeded to enter the room, clothed with a draping white lab coat and a stethoscope hung around his neck. The man placed the cold metal on Duney's chest, checking his heart rate. He then begun to walk about, muttering 'I'm sorry' in Duney's direction. Duney then came to the realisation that his legs were missing, from the thigh down - he panicked dramatically, but wasn't able to move. His eyes began to close, and he entered a deep slumber.
Duney awoke the next month,  being slowly moved into brightness. He was in a wheelchair, a fine one at that, being pushed by an old friend to the horrors of the outside world.
"W-what happened?" Duney questioned.
A smooth familiar voice answered him, his adoptive father - "You lost your legs Duney, I'm so sorry. You truly were one of a kind."
"O--o-oh my god no"
"Hey Duney, look on the bright side, you'll fit in with us now, perhaps we could call you 'Du', seeing as you lost your....neys and all"
"Du, huh, I like that" Du replied.
(A year later) -
"Hey Du! Happy birthday to du, happy birthday to du, happy birthday to Duuuu, happy birthday to du!", The old friend sang. "Hey Du, I got you something, something life changing"
"Really?!" Du exclaimed. "What is it?"
"You'll find out, we've gotta take a visit to that doctor of yours"
"Wha-what why?"
"You'll find out soon enough Du".
(At the hospital) -
Du wheeled in, only for the doctor to come swiftly running out of his office to greet him, "Happy birthday du! Me and your friend have planned something for you, I really hope you'll love it - just follow me"
And Du followed.
Du was led into the doctors office to find a long box led on a coffee table. The doctor told Du to open it, and he did, albeit precariously yet with excitement.
As he opened it, he caught a glimpse of a foot like shape. Two prosthetic legs sat snug in the box.
"I'm a prosthetist Du, me and your friend want you to live again - for everything you did for our country".
"Holy hell, really? No way. No way is this happening" Du was shocked beyond belief, he would get his life back!
"Hey Du, it could take months of dedication to make this work, but we can make it happen".
So it happened. The doctor, Du and the friend helped Du in every way they could - yes, it took months, but it happened. Du got his legs back.
(Later) -
As Du began to become confident with his new prosthetic friends, he ventured further outside. He took his first true steps into his new life, and the second he touched the hard ground, god damn;
Duran, Duran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h8un1/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_sand_dune_with_legs/
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A farmer is getting interviewed

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h8iti/a_farmer_is_getting_interviewed/
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Sometimes I masturbate while driving

The passengers on my bus don't like it, but the high school hasn't fired me yet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h8fxx/sometimes_i_masturbate_while_driving/
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I tried to eat soup with a fork.

It was a strain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h8f91/i_tried_to_eat_soup_with_a_fork/
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TIFU by whipping the wrong person at the BDSM club.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h8ed0/tifu_by_whipping_the_wrong_person_at_the_bdsm_club/
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People are like kangaroos

They die when they get shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h8dnr/people_are_like_kangaroos/
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Afraid your kid might be a commie?

Well if he paints one of his bedroom walls red with some yellow stars or a hammer and sickle, that's a huge red flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h8ak6/afraid_your_kid_might_be_a_commie/
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Why do Indians hate snow?

It's white and it's on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h87fn/why_do_indians_hate_snow/
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The best thing about protected sex is not having to worry about the mess afterwards.

Or as most people call them, "Children".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h84m4/the_best_thing_about_protected_sex_is_not_having/
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Hallucination

An optical delusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h83nk/hallucination/
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PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.

It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h7rmh/psa_if_you_receive_an_email_saying_youve_won_two/
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My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h7p5a/my_mates_called_me_stingy_so_i_decided_to_buy/
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My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."

Now he's behind bars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h7ohb/my_friend_once_said_if_i_wasnt_making_cocktails/
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What makes the noise of a cow when you turn it upside down?

A cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h7j9m/what_makes_the_noise_of_a_cow_when_you_turn_it/
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A doctor walks into the room and says, " I have good news and I have bad news"

*"What's the good news?"*
"***I*** don't have cancer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h7j67/a_doctor_walks_into_the_room_and_says_i_have_good/
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I don't understand women...

I thought opening the door was the right thing to do, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h7gln/i_dont_understand_women/
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A man wonders if having sex

on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says " My son, I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: ''What does a priest know of sex?"
He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced... for the answer.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply..
Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:
A man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge... A Rabbi..
The Rabbi ponders the question and states,'' My son, sex is definitely play.''
The man replies, ''Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!''
The Rabbi softly speaks, ''If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h7dbb/a_man_wonders_if_having_sex/
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Corn

Give a white man an ear of corn, he eats for a day
Teach a white man to grow corn, he steals all your land

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h7auk/corn/
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Really not liking this new Reddit app update.

I'm going to be sharing it all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h7ask/really_not_liking_this_new_reddit_app_update/
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Man in hospital

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h75v6/man_in_hospital/
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A night at the temple

A man is traveling through the country and his car breaks down. He gets out and walks for miles and miles, and the first sign of civilization he sees is an old temple.
He goes inside and asks the monks if he can use their phone. The head monk tells him "We have no phone - and it is already getting dark. If you like, you may stay the night with us and tomorrow some of our brothers will walk you into town. Not having many other options, the man agrees and he is given a modest room to sleep in.
During the night, just as he is about to fall asleep, he hears the strangest noise. Its unlike anything he's ever heard before, and he cannot, for the life of him, figure out what is making it. He leaves his room and searches the monastery until he comes to a door made of pine. He can tell the sound is behind this door, but it is locked, and he has no choice but to return to bed.
The next day, before he leaves, he asks the head monk about it. The monk replies "Ah - I know the sound you speak of, and what makes it, but I cannot tell you - because you are not a monk."
Unsatisfied but helpless, the man walks to town with two of the monks. As he walks he talks to these younger men, trying to pry the info out of them. Like the head monk, they know what made his sound - but like the head monk, they will not share, because the man is not a monk.
He gets back to town in one piece, is taken to a repair garage, has his car towed and fixed and he drives away from this place to get back to his life.
He resumes his normal activities, but the sound haunts him. He finds himself trying to look it up on the internet, and in books. he tries to imitate it so others might guess. He begins to lose sleep, and miss work, devoting too much of his time and energy to the mystery. By the time a year has passed, the man is a wreck.
He goes back to the monastery, finding the old temple as he had left it. He is welcomed in and finds the head monk. He falls to his knees, "Please, please tell me of the source of the sound! I must know!" But the old monk sadly shakes his head and days "I cannot tell you, because you're not a monk."
The man is devastated! He does not know what to do with himself, but then his eyes go wide. "Then!" he says "I'll become a monk! Let me join your monastery and become a brother." The old monk nods once.
"To become a monk, you must complete three tasks. First, you must prove patience and focus by counting every stone that this temple is made of. Second, you must achieve enlightenment by answering an unanswered question. Thirdly, you must prove your strength and virtue by existing for five days on nothing but rainwater and dewdrops."
The man gets his trainee robes and his room and goes to his tasks. He occupies himself for another year, every night haunted by the phantom sound. He returns to the monk, rail-thin and shaking. "Father! This temple is made of 3,561 stones - 3,562 if you count the granite countertop in the kitchen."
"My question is 'why is everything always in the last place I look?' I have the answer - it is because I stop looking once I've found it."
"And I have subsisted for five days and five nights on nothing but the cold rain and my own conviction."
The head monk smiles softly and nods his head once. "Welcome, you are not a Monk. Come, brother, what would you like to do first? Surely you would like a warm blanket and some hot stew to replenish your body."
"No, father" declares the man. "I want to know what makes the sound in the night!"
The head monk nods once and leads the man away. he takes him to the pine door, and hands him a pine key. The man takes the pine key, and opens the pine door. Behind it is an oak door.
The man looks back to the head monk, who hands him an oak key. He takes the oak key and opens the oak door. Behind the oak door is a mahogany door.
Losing his humor, the man looks to the father only to receive a mahogany key. The mahogany key opens the mahogany door to reveal a tin door.
The man excitedly looks to the head monk, who hands him a tin key. He uses the tin key to open the tin door, to find a bronze door.
Not looking this time, the man puts out a hand and receives a bronze key. The bronze key opens the bronze door.
Behind it is a silver door.
The man snatches a silver key from the head monk's rising hand. he jams the silver key into the silver door and wrenches it open, revealing a door of solid gold.
He gets a golden key from the head monk. he puts the golden key into the golden door. the golden key opens the golden door to reveal a platinum door.
A priceless platinum key is handed over and the man puts it in the platinum door. The platinum key opens the platinum door to reveal a door studded with rubies.
The man hears the sound and and quickly turns to the monk, taking a ruby-studded key. He puts the ruby-studded key in the ruby-studded door and opens it. Behind it is a sapphire-studded door.
The head monk hands him a sapphire-studded key. he puts the sapphire-studded key into the sapphire-studded door and opens it to reveal a door studded with emeralds.
A beautiful emerald0studded key is received. He puts the emerald-studded key into the emerald-studded door and the emerald-studded key opens the emerald-studded door. Behind it is a door encrusted with flawless diamonds.
Almost out of willpower, the man turns to the head monk, who nods once and hands him a diamond-encrusted key. He puts the diamond-encrusted key in the diamond-encrusted door. The diamond-encrusted key opens the diamond-encrusted door, revealing, a room.
As light spills into the room, he hears the sound again. He looks up, and now he can clearly see what had been making the sound all along!
But, I can't tell you what it was, because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h71yz/a_night_at_the_temple/
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What is the number 1 rule at a computer bar?

Always tip your server.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6zyj/what_is_the_number_1_rule_at_a_computer_bar/
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Why are Alabama weddings so small?

They've only gotta invite one family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6z79/why_are_alabama_weddings_so_small/
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A windmill and a solar panel are talking during a storm...

Windmill "Awesome weather we are having!"
Solar panel "I am not a fan."
Added thanks to /r/ChiisaiMurasaki: The nuclear powerplant overhears them feels left out, so he has a meltdown. What an over reactor!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6xi2/a_windmill_and_a_solar_panel_are_talking_during_a/
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An old woman says to an old man at the retirement home, “I bet you I can guess your age.”

The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
“Pull down your pants,” she says.
She inspects his rear end intently for a few minutes and then says, “You’re 84 years old.”
“That’s amazing,” the man says. “How did you know?”
“You told me yesterday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6xb6/an_old_woman_says_to_an_old_man_at_the_retirement/
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Why wasn't Jesus Christ born in Alabama?

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6wby/why_wasnt_jesus_christ_born_in_alabama/
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Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?

Because they are all Targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6vya/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_iraq/
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I asked my girlfriend what her bra size is.

"Oh," she said. "Thinking of getting me some for Christmas?"
I said, "No. But I tried yours on earlier and it was too small."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6us0/i_asked_my_girlfriend_what_her_bra_size_is/
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Dear masturbating astronauts...

In space. No one can hear you cream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6ozi/dear_masturbating_astronauts/
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Teacher and Student

* Teacher said the students to convert the sentence "I killed a person" into future tense.
* Suddenly Johnny stands up and said, Sir the future tense is "I will go to jail"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6o60/teacher_and_student/
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I've had insomnia so much it is starting to worry me.

But I won't lose any sleep over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6nuv/ive_had_insomnia_so_much_it_is_starting_to_worry/
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My dick was in the Guinness book of world records

Then the librarian asked me to take it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6kgb/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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Two married man talking..

1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6i2u/two_married_man_talking/
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The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.

She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6gdo/the_maid_asked_for_a_raise_and_the_wife_was_upset/
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I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault....

It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6gau/i_lost_my_job_at_the_hospital_today_for_sexual/
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I wrote a book about a man that chokes to death on his own fart.

I've called it: "Gone With The Wind".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6fj0/i_wrote_a_book_about_a_man_that_chokes_to_death/
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A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new

Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
& pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle & walked
up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h6ddw/a_florida_senior_citizen_drove_his_brand_new/
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Italian math

An Italian wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he  passes a little maths test..
'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9’.
'Without a numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he
proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Ave you gota no brain?   Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to  represent 99?' '
Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same  rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says: 'Ere you go. One hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and  says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a  turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So,  whenna I start?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h69ck/italian_math/
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A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to the fridge,
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."
The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h68v5/a_woman_is_cooking_eggs_in_the_kitchen_when_her/
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Pregnancy is like a black ops mission

They're both expensive to abort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h68a2/pregnancy_is_like_a_black_ops_mission/
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An irishman is at a bar

He goes to get up and falls flat on his face
" paddy, you've had enough to drink, go home" the bartender tells him
" I'm Irish, i can hold my booze, but i think its time for me to leave !"
He goes to stand up again and falls flat on his face.
" look, you live right next door, let me help you home"
The bartender says.
" I dont need any help from you!"
He pulls himself up and takes a step, wham! Flat on his face again.
" come on paddy, let me at least call the missus"..
" get away from me"
He drags himself home, crawls to the couch and falls asleep. He wakes up in the morning with his wife angrily looking at him
" you got drunk again last night?"
" no, why accuse me of such stuff"
" the bar called, you left your wheelchair there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h688x/an_irishman_is_at_a_bar/
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Socialism jokes are only funny if everybody gets them.

Its Reality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h63o8/socialism_jokes_are_only_funny_if_everybody_gets/
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My grandfather never forgave the Japanese for Pearl Harbor...

...until I explained to him that it was the Americans who made that movie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h63bf/my_grandfather_never_forgave_the_japanese_for/
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How many vegans does it take to eat a cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h5xw3/how_many_vegans_does_it_take_to_eat_a_cheeseburger/
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Q: How do astronomers organize a party?

**They planet.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h5x9h/q_how_do_astronomers_organize_a_party/
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Two scientists walk into a bar

The first scientist says "I'll have some H20."
&nbsp;
The second scientist says "I'll have a glass of water, too. But really? Why did you say H20? Like I get that it is the chemical formula for water and all, but it is the end of a really stressful day at work and there's really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that when we are trying to wind down."
&nbsp;
The first scientist stares into his drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h5u29/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
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Moose hunting {possible repost}

A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.
The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose.
Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.”
To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!”
Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake.
The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart.
Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?”
Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h5tl6/moose_hunting_possible_repost/
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I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h5pwg/ive_heard_like_seven_cancer_jokes_today/
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What's black and never works?

Decaf coffee, you racist bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h5onn/whats_black_and_never_works/
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Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon?

He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h5of4/did_you_hear_han_solo_will_be_running_next_years/
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A man bought a robot car.

He was excited to try out the new car. That day, his wife was tired and didn't want to pick up the kids from school, so the man decided to try out the robot car. He said, "Car, go bring my children from school."
The car left and didn't return for a while. Feeling worried, they walked outside and saw the car returning. It stopped in front of the house, and it was filled with many kids, but their children were not there.
"These are all your kids?!" The wife said, furious.
The man replied, "Can you first explain why our kids are not in the car?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h5b6e/a_man_bought_a_robot_car/
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h55jo/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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Why doesn't Batman like going to Robin's house?

They don't like rich people in Robin's hood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h550n/why_doesnt_batman_like_going_to_robins_house/
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I dropped a pencil in the bathroom.

I guess you can say I dropped a number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h51ox/i_dropped_a_pencil_in_the_bathroom/
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My dad walked in on me masturbating

He said "son if you continue to do that you will go blind!" I replied "hey dad I'm over here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4sls/my_dad_walked_in_on_me_masturbating/
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Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4skm/three_bulls_heard_the_rancher_was_bringing/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo pea and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo pea on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4s0p/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_pea_and_a/
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When I masturbate at home...

I'm at homecoming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4r9h/when_i_masturbate_at_home/
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What did the Alabama Sheriff say about the black man that was stabbed seventy times?

Worse case of suicide he's ever seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4q6o/what_did_the_alabama_sheriff_say_about_the_black/
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What do you call wifi in space?

Mars Bars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4pfa/what_do_you_call_wifi_in_space/
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Albert Einstein was a genius...

But his brother Frank was a monster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4obi/albert_einstein_was_a_genius/
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Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper up to a mile away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4nxw/why_do_scotsmen_wear_kilts/
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Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”
“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”
“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people actually try that?”
“Sure.”
“Damn. Still, that’s a lot of money. I gotta ask, what are the three tasks?”
“Well, first, you need to go over to the bouncer over there. Yeah, the tall, muscular guy. And you gotta knock him out in one punch.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. Next, in the backward we have this wild rottweiler. Nasty dog. Rabid. And it has a bad tooth. We tried having the vet over, but he won’t come anywhere near the beast. The task is to take out his bad tooth.”
“Uh huh.”
“And finally, there’s this lady upstairs. She owns the place. She’s quite old. Sixty five, maybe seventy. Very nice lady. She lost her husband a decade ago and, well … she’s lonely. The task is to go see her and give her some.”
“That is twisted, my friend. Wow. It’s amazing that anyone thinks they can pull all this off. People these days… Anyway.”
The guy drinks his beer, and then has another. And another. And another. Now quite inebriated, he punches the counter and yells, “Whatever man, I’ll do your stupid challenge!”
He throws in a $50 bill, goes to the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder, and WHAM! The bouncer is down in one punch. Everyone in the bar suddenly groups around the scene and starts cheering frantically. The guy shouts, “Where’s the damn dog at?”, people push him to the backdoor, which he pushes. The crowd awaits, hearing nothing at first. Then, muffled screams, punches, scratches and howls coming from behind the door.
Finally, the door opens again, and the guy paces into the bar, slowly, his shirt ripped apart and stained with blood, breathing loudly. Finally, he throws his arms up in the air, and shouts in triumph! As the crowd cheers like crazy, he yells “NOW WHERE’S THE OLD BITCH WITH THE BAD TOOTH?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4nn8/guy_walks_into_a_bar_orders_a_beer_and_notices_a/
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Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because last year Six had an a secret relationship with Four lasting for many months. Soon into the relationship Six and Four fell in love, but Six knew she could never leave Seven because she was afraid of his violent past.
One cold Autumn night Six came home in tears and locked herself in the bathroom. By this time Seven was already not very sober and pounded on the door demanding to be let in. Eventually Seven's rage took over and he kicked the door down with a powerful roundhouse to find Six standing there holding a positive baby making test. Seven knew he couldn't be the father because he was sterile from years of working at a nuclear plant. Seven saw red and flew into a whirlwind of fury beating upon Six with hammering blows. She screamed "FOUR, IT'S FOUR'S CHILD, PLEASE! PLEASE STOP!" Seven stared at Six in disbelief, "Four? That good for nothing Even aint even a Prime!" Seven stormed out of the bathroom and out the front door, grabbing his pistol off of the table on his way out. He floored it to the restaurant Four owned like a demon.
Pulling up to Four's eatery, All You Can Eight, Seven threw open the door demanding to speak with him. A young girl named Decimal tried to cover for Four, but Seven spotted him trying to sneak out through the kitchen. Seven grabbed Four by the digit and pulled out his .38. Four begged "Please, I love her! Please, if you truly love her too you will let her go, please!"
Without hesitation Seven pulled the trigger. The sound echoed throughout the restaurant like a thunder strike. Everyone was stunned for a moment, and then full panic, numbers running everywhere, stampeding over each other. Stomping over Four's lifeless body and in the panic Seven slipped out with the crowd and made his escape.
Since that day Six has moved and changed her name but knows one day Seven will track her down and find her, and she lives in constant fear for her life and the life of her newborn son, Ten.
And now you know why Six is afraid of Seven.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4lfc/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
What's a russian's favorite golf club?

A putin wedge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4j0w/whats_a_russians_favorite_golf_club/
%
Blonde walks into a bar and orders a beer

Bartender says "Anheuser Busch?"
Blonde replies "not bad. and hows your cock?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4hmq/blonde_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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While I was watching the prison wall, a little midget starting climbing over it and smirked at me

And I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4fzn/while_i_was_watching_the_prison_wall_a_little/
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An old man is on his deathbed...

He tells the Priest that his firstborn son can have the part of the city near the castle, his second son can now have the east part of the city near the Stables, and his third son to have the northern part of the city closest to the Shops. The old man shortly passed away after and the priest tells the oldest son "Your dad must of been a very wealthy man!", He quickly says "Hell no, that cheap bastard was talking about his Newspaper route!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4ei0/an_old_man_is_on_his_deathbed/
%
Who's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h4cm2/whos_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeve/
%
My teacher said, "Are you chewing gum?"

I said, "Do I look like chewing gum to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h481u/my_teacher_said_are_you_chewing_gum/
%
What do you call a slutty Bee

A Whorenet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h47ny/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_bee/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest actually accomplishes something after it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h45t4/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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We were driving past the graveyard and my dad asks:

"Do you know why I can’t be buried there?"
"Why not?"
"Because I’m not dead yet, Son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h45g1/we_were_driving_past_the_graveyard_and_my_dad_asks/
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I know a woman with an uncontrollable sexual desire towards books.

She's an infomaniac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h40bb/i_know_a_woman_with_an_uncontrollable_sexual/
%
A friend of mine died recently

after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h407l/a_friend_of_mine_died_recently/
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What's a catholic's favourite type of car?

A convertible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h3x64/whats_a_catholics_favourite_type_of_car/
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A businessman walks into a bar

After a long day working late at the office. He settles into a stool near the bar and orders some suds from the bartender.
Out of nowhere, the man hears a tiny voice call out "Nice tie!". Startled, the man looks around, and only sees a few locals tending to their drinks a few seats down. He plays it off, finishes his beer, and orders another round.
Not long afterwards, the man hears another tiny voice say "Your jacket looks great!". Unsettled, the man looks around once more, and again, sees no one remotely paying attention to him besides the bartender, who slides a basket of peanuts down the bar to the man. Clearly shaken, the man chugs the remainder of his pint and orders another beer.
Lo and behold, the man again hears the little voice say "You make a difference!". The man has enough, and asks the bartender what the hell is going on. "Oh", says the bartender, "it's just the peanuts." Bewildered, the man demands, "What the hell do you mean 'the peanuts?'" The bartender replies "They're complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h3uot/a_businessman_walks_into_a_bar/
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I like my beer like I like my woman

Without a fucking dick in it. Fuck you Amy, fuck you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h3svs/i_like_my_beer_like_i_like_my_woman/
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I couldn't use my phone at the funeral

It was a dead zone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h3p56/i_couldnt_use_my_phone_at_the_funeral/
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If you're the guard at a Samsung store ...

Does that make you the guardian of the galaxy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h3may/if_youre_the_guard_at_a_samsung_store/
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h3lq9/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
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What does Sherlock Holmes do in the toilet?

He de-deuces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h3kz4/what_does_sherlock_holmes_do_in_the_toilet/
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What does eating an old lady out taste like?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h3kvg/what_does_eating_an_old_lady_out_taste_like/
%
If you get a bigger bed

You have both more and less bedroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h3jrt/if_you_get_a_bigger_bed/
%
I always eat Eggs Benedict on a foam plate

Because there's no plate like foam for the hollandaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h3j95/i_always_eat_eggs_benedict_on_a_foam_plate/
%
People keep making apocalypse jokes...

Like there's no tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h3hp5/people_keep_making_apocalypse_jokes/
%
I was gonna make a good science joke

But all the good ones argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h3fsu/i_was_gonna_make_a_good_science_joke/
%
Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap...

Guy: doctor, I've been hearing voices. Can you help?
Doctor: I'll try to diagnose but I can clearly see your  nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h39cg/guy_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
%
What do you call a cow with its front legs missing

Lean beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h3839/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_its_front_legs_missing/
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Knowledge is knowing that papers are best written with alcohol and edited with caffeine.

Wisdom is realizing that this does not make a Jagerbomb a study tool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h37ag/knowledge_is_knowing_that_papers_are_best_written/
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Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h3792/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
I have kleptomania.

When it gets bad, I take something for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h36le/i_have_kleptomania/
%
How are children like slinkies?

It's fun to toss them down stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h35pa/how_are_children_like_slinkies/
%
I opened a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h35ii/i_opened_a_company_selling_landmines_that_look/
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Where do Sith lords go to shop?

The Darth Mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h33ni/where_do_sith_lords_go_to_shop/
%
What do peasants do in their spare time?

They serf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h33h6/what_do_peasants_do_in_their_spare_time/
%
Have you heard about the invention of the shovel?

It was groundbreaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h31mb/have_you_heard_about_the_invention_of_the_shovel/
%
My penis was once in the Guinness book of world records

But then the librarian told me to take it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h30x5/my_penis_was_once_in_the_guinness_book_of_world/
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Three rich fathers after taking about their son's successes

Father 1: My son is a businessman. He is so rich and generous, he bought his best friend a Lamborghini
Father 2: Oh yeah? Well my son is the VP of a company. He is so rich he bought his best friend a mansion
Father 3: Psshh. My son is the CEO of his company. He bought his best friend his very own yacht.
Just then they noticed a fourth father listening in to the conversation.
Father 2: What does your son do?
Father 4: He is a gay prostitute.
Father 1: You must be so disappointed!
Father 4: Well I was but his boyfriends bought him a new Lamborghini, a mansion, and a yacht!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2zm5/three_rich_fathers_after_taking_about_their_sons/
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The toilet at a police station was stolen!

They had nothing to go on..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2yxn/the_toilet_at_a_police_station_was_stolen/
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What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2vhc/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
And Jesus said

, "Come forth and receive everlasting life."
But John came fifth, and only received a toaster oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2qso/and_jesus_said/
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How do you keep a Redditor busy for hours?

[This joke is a repost. Find the original post for the punchline.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2p16/how_do_you_keep_a_redditor_busy_for_hours/
%
What do you call a red-headed ninja?

A ginga!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2nh9/what_do_you_call_a_redheaded_ninja/
%
Friends are like trees

They fall down when you hit them with an axe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2k17/friends_are_like_trees/
%
I bought a 5 gallon drum of correction fluid the other day.

Big mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2ha5/i_bought_a_5_gallon_drum_of_correction_fluid_the/
%
Steps on how to survive being stranded on a dessert island.

1) Check spelling.
2) If correct, enjoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2h9e/steps_on_how_to_survive_being_stranded_on_a/
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Two wrongs don't make a right.

Take my parents for example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2g0l/two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
%
Some random guy on the street turned me into a bottle of tequila which rather annoyed me.

I hate when people Patrónize me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2f56/some_random_guy_on_the_street_turned_me_into_a/
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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down some stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2eu0/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_going_down/
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Today I saw a Japanese man rushing to the elevator

The door was closing, so I held it open for him.
He replied with, "Sank you".
Why did he have to mention Pearl Harbor like that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2emw/today_i_saw_a_japanese_man_rushing_to_the_elevator/
%
TIFU by getting on the normal bus instead of the dyslexic one

Whoops, wrong bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2c5h/tifu_by_getting_on_the_normal_bus_instead_of_the/
%
A blonde was speeding....

A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over.
The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde.
She asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?'
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h2957/a_blonde_was_speeding/
%
Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?

I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h26j2/why_didnt_the_terminator_upgrade_to_windows_10/
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Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union?

They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h26fd/why_can_you_never_trust_a_car_made_in_the_soviet/
%
what do you call a cow without legs

Disabled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h269u/what_do_you_call_a_cow_without_legs/
%
I downloaded Friedrich Nietszche's voice for my navigation system

Now it just tells me to find my own way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h25h2/i_downloaded_friedrich_nietszches_voice_for_my/
%
Why wouldn't the pimp water his lawn?

He couldn't trust his hose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h23pe/why_wouldnt_the_pimp_water_his_lawn/
%
The loudest noise in the jungle

Why do monkeys paint their balls red?
So they can hide in a cherry tree!
Ever seen a monkey in a cherry tree? No?
That's how good it works!
How can you tell if a giraffe was in the fridge?
Footprints in the butter!
And what is the loudest noise in the jungle?
...giraffes eating cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h22xw/the_loudest_noise_in_the_jungle/
%
Man 1: A plane is carrying 500 bricks, one brick suddenly drops, how many bricks are still in the plane?

Man 2: Easy, 499.
Man 1: Good, tell me three steps of putting an elephant into the fridge.
Man 2: Open the fridge, put the elephant in, close it.
Man 1: Good, tell me four steps of putting a giraffe into the fridge.
Man 2: Open the fridge, pull the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the fridge.
Man 1: It's lion king's birthday, all animals arrived but one, which one is it?
Man 2: The giraffe.
Man 1: An old lady crossed a stream which said to have a lot of crocodiles, how did she survive?
Man 2: The crocodiles attend Lion King's birthday.
Man 1: The old lady dies anyway, why?
Man 2: She drowned? Old age? A crocodile remained?
Man 1: No. The brick that fell from the airplane hit her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h200e/man_1_a_plane_is_carrying_500_bricks_one_brick/
%
A lot of people say I'm condescending...

(That means I talk down to people)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1zvc/a_lot_of_people_say_im_condescending/
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A man walked into his house...

A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1y8v/a_man_walked_into_his_house/
%
A dad was teaching his baby how to talk...

Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Fuck , just say daddy!
Baby: Fuck, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I’m home!
Baby: Fuck!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1w75/a_dad_was_teaching_his_baby_how_to_talk/
%
A boy walks in on his dad masturbating....

He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"
His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."
The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"
His dad answers, "Because my arm's getting tired.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1vyv/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_dad_masturbating/
%
What does a Mathematician say when he eats too much pie?

√(-1/64)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1tcq/what_does_a_mathematician_say_when_he_eats_too/
%
Why are fire trucks red?

Because fire trucks have 4 wheels and 8 tyres and 8+4=12.
There are 12 inches in a ruler.
By Queen Elizabeth is also a ruler.
There was a ship named after her.
The ship have sailed the seas.
Seas have fish in them.
Fishes have fins.
People from Finland are also known as fins.
Finland and Russia had a war.
Russia is red.
And fire trucks are always "Russian" around.
And that's why, fire trucks are red...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1soo/why_are_fire_trucks_red/
%
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the US Capital this Christmas

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1rjr/the_supreme_court_has_ruled_that_there_cannot_be/
%
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.

She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1qv9/my_wife_found_out_i_was_cheating_after_she_found/
%
A kid walks up a businessman on the phone, and tells him that at 12 o'clock he'll kick is fucking ass.

Infuriated, the businessman hangs up and chases the kid who runs away laughing.  After 3 blocks of relentless pursuit, the businessman is winded, but still headed in the direction he saw the kid run off to.
A few minutes later, a buddy of the businessman happens to intercept him as they crossed paths.
"You alright mate?" his friend asks. "Why are you so outta breath?"
"Some random fucking kid just told me he'll kick my ass at 12 o'clock!"
His friend glances at his watch then looks back at the businessman. "Well there's no need to rush mate you still got like 20 minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1nhd/a_kid_walks_up_a_businessman_on_the_phone_and/
%
Three engineers and three lawyers are taking a trip together via train.

The lawyers buy one ticket per person, but the engineers only buy one total.
“How are you going to get away with that?” the lawyers ask.
“Watch and learn,” say the engineers.
So they all board the train, and when the conductor begins collecting tickets, the three engineers cram themselves into a bathroom. The conductor knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.” A single hand sticks out and gives him the ticket. In this way, all three engineers manage to ride the train on one ticket.
The lawyers are clearly impressed. On the return trip, they only buy one ticket for all three of them. The engineers, however, don't buy any at all.
“How are you going to get away with that?” the lawyers ask.
“Watch and learn,” say the engineers.
On the train home, the lawyers cram themselves into one of the bathrooms. An engineer walks over, knocks on the door, and says, “Ticket, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1ng5/three_engineers_and_three_lawyers_are_taking_a/
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I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high

She told me she's tired of my repost BS and divorced me. It was definitely a surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1mrq/i_told_my_wife_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too_high/
%
My ex is like the Mona Lisa

It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1lew/my_ex_is_like_the_mona_lisa/
%
A woman had returned home from an evening of church services.....

....when she was startled by an intruder robbing her house of its valuables.
She yelled "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."
"Scripture?!" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1l02/a_woman_had_returned_home_from_an_evening_of/
%
A joke walks into a bar

Bartender says, "Woah! I've never meta joke before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1k9j/a_joke_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An ugly man is walking through a forest when he trips on something.

He bends down and pulls a lamp out of the dirt.  He rubs the lamp and sure enough, out pops a genie.
"I will grant you one wish for freeing me from the lamp."
"Well, as you can see, I've had trouble meeting women.  I'd really like to find a wife and settle down.  For my wish, I'd like a beautiful woman to fall in love with me."
The Genie looks at the man and ponders the request for a moment, then says "Here's the deal.  These wishes take their toll on me and what you're asking is nearly impossible.  I wouldn't recover my powers for decades if I were to fulfill that wish.  Is there something else you might consider that's more realistic?"
The man thinks about it for a few minutes and replies "Well, I've been a Cleveland sports fan my entire life.  The Cavaliers have won a title recently, the Indians just barely lost the World Series, but my true love is football.  I guess if I can't have a wife, then I'd like to see the Browns win the Superbowl just once during my lifetime."
"Would you prefer a blonde, or a burnette?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1j2s/an_ugly_man_is_walking_through_a_forest_when_he/
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bob snored too loudly

The guys were all at a deer camp.  No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly..  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!  He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned,  older cowboy, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it..  They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  Bob sat up and watched me all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1idz/bob_snored_too_loudly/
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Mom, i'm going out

-You are not going out with that mini skirt.
-But why?
-Because they can see your balls, David.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1i12/mom_im_going_out/
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Catholic woman talk about their

The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, and everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says, "My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman then says, "My son is the Pope.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four woman give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1hmn/catholic_woman_talk_about_their/
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar

.After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his
table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1gux/a_very_shy_guy_goes_into_a_bar_and_sees_a/
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Man faints in Elevator

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and see's this HUGE Black guy standing next to him.
The big guy see's the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says,"What EXACTLY did you say to me?
The big dude says: " I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...? I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.
The small guy says: Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, i thought you said, "Turn around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1geh/man_faints_in_elevator/
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this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.
With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1fuc/this_virgin_that_was_going_out_on_a_date_for_the/
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Sex without light

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device, a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. You impotent bastard, She screamed at him, How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1fdj/sex_without_light/
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Little April

was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1eun/little_april/
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Burning Man

Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1dts/burning_man/
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TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once

Whoops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1dmm/til_that_you_can_get_dishonorably_discharged_from/
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I heard a Freudian slip once...

He broke both his arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h13og/i_heard_a_freudian_slip_once/
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A man with saran wrap pants walks into the psychiatrist's office...

and the psychiatrist says "well clearly I can see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h12er/a_man_with_saran_wrap_pants_walks_into_the/
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A cop on horse asks a little girl on a bike, “did Santa get you that?”

“Yes,” replies the little girl.
“Well, tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” the cop says, and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”
The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”
“Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h11vt/a_cop_on_horse_asks_a_little_girl_on_a_bike_did/
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A man goes to a doctor and says “I’ve just been raped by an elephant.

What should I do?” The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. “That’s strange… your asshole is almost 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had long thin dicks?” to which the man replies “Yeah, but he fingered me first.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h11sc/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor_and_says_ive_just_been/
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You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h1073/you_can_reduce_your_weight_by_one_simple_exercise/
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Black man at heavens gate

It was the Summer of 1968 and a black man showed up at the Pearly Gates. Peter comes out and says, "Uh, is there something I can do for you? I mean, we don't let blacks in here." "I know," said the black man, "It's just that, I am from Alabama, and I grew up around White folks, and I like White folks, and I even married a White woman, so I thought maybe I could get in." Peter said, "Wait, you say you married a White woman in Alabama? When the hell was this?" The black man looks at his watch and says, "Oh, about 10 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h0yge/black_man_at_heavens_gate/
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Why couldnt the feminist screw in a lightbulb?

Because there was a glass ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h0y3u/why_couldnt_the_feminist_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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Optimism

The eternal belief that you're always one-third of the way to a threesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h0xki/optimism/
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I taught my maths class how to use a protractor,

with varying degrees of success.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h0vud/i_taught_my_maths_class_how_to_use_a_protractor/
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How do you cover 18 holes with one hole?

Have your mom sit down on a golf course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h0tb0/how_do_you_cover_18_holes_with_one_hole/
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A Cleveland Browns fan finds a magical lamp.

The fan rubs the lamp and a genie emerges.
Genie: "I am the all powerful genie and I will grant you one wish!"
Fan: "That's easy, I want to live forever!"
Genie: "That's an impossible wish that I cannot grant."
Fan: "Okay then, I want to live long enough to see the Cleveland Browns win the super bowl."
Genie: "You clever bastard... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h0s55/a_cleveland_browns_fan_finds_a_magical_lamp/
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Little billy was walking down the sidewalk..

dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a whore house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered, she saw Billy and asked what he wanted.
He said, *"I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."*
The Madam figured why not, so she led him in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, *"Do any of the girls have any diseases?"*
*"Of course"*, the Madam said.
He said,*"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!"*
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, *"Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"*
He said, *"Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it."*
*"In the morning"*, he continued, *"When Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, because that mailman is the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my goddamn frog!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h0rjv/little_billy_was_walking_down_the_sidewalk/
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I have a "One dollar, one inch" rule with the ladies: you give me a dollar, you get an inch.

You give me three dollars, you get it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h0nc9/i_have_a_one_dollar_one_inch_rule_with_the_ladies/
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I know a place where they recycle almost everything!

I like dick in my sweet round ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h0k8m/i_know_a_place_where_they_recycle_almost/
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A young man becomes engaged to his girlfriend over dinner.

The next day he excitedly goes over to his mother's house, eager to tell her the news.
"Ma, I've fallen in love with a woman, and we became engaged last night. Just for fun, I've brought over her and two different women, and you can guess which one I'm going to marry."
His wife walks in with two women, and almost immediately his mother blurts out "The redhead in the middle"
The man, impressed by this asks his mother, "Wow, ma. How'd you know?"
"I don't like her".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h0ic0/a_young_man_becomes_engaged_to_his_girlfriend/
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For my next trick

I'll turn a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h0i1s/for_my_next_trick/
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Since we are doing time period jokes: A Joke from the Great Depression.

Government: you have two cows
Socialism: You keep one cow's milk and the government takes the other and gives out its milk.
Communism: The government takes both cows and gives its milk away as it sees fit.
New Dealism: You get rid of both your cows and milk the government.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h0gbj/since_we_are_doing_time_period_jokes_a_joke_from/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged and took it like a champ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h0eia/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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A joke from Ukraine

The train suddenly turns off the rails and goes through the village, then through the cornfield and finally comes back to the rails. When it arrives, the passengers ask:
What the hell has happened?
There was a man shitting on the rails.
You should've smashed him.
We have smashed him. We caught up with him in the cornfield.
____________________________________________________
My English is not great, feel free to suggest edits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h0dqf/a_joke_from_ukraine/
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The boy is at his girlfriend's house making out with her on the couch...

... when they hear her parents coming back home.
They quickly sit up straight, fix their hair and pretend to be watching TV.
The mom says "I brought some food, are you guys hungry?"
They go to the table and the boy says "mmmm this fish cake is delicious!"
The mom says "go wash your hands boy, this is potato cake"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h08w6/the_boy_is_at_his_girlfriends_house_making_out/
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What do you call a pink slip served in a coffee bag?

Grounds for termination!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h02wj/what_do_you_call_a_pink_slip_served_in_a_coffee/
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Last year i was miserable and depressed,

But this year I've turned it around, I'm depressed and miserable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h01xh/last_year_i_was_miserable_and_depressed/
%
Two broke men are discussing their travel plans

Guy 1: I've been thinking about taking my old lady to Paris again, but I just don't think I can afford it.
Guy 2: Wow you've been to Paris before?!
Guy 1: Hell no! But I've thought about it before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h00k8/two_broke_men_are_discussing_their_travel_plans/
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Someone drew a swastika on The Trump Tower

The police aren't sure if it's a supporter, or a hater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5h002q/someone_drew_a_swastika_on_the_trump_tower/
%
Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant?

Because he got cold feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gzuft/why_did_the_cannibal_leave_the_restaurant/
%
How much space is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gztaz/how_much_space_is_needed_for_fungi_to_grow/
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I don't need to check my smoke detectors every month

because my wife cooks more often than that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gzt0v/i_dont_need_to_check_my_smoke_detectors_every/
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The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well.

I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gzsnp/the_personal_trainer_at_the_gym_advised_me_to_try/
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Boy wants a car from his Dad

the Dad says, "first you gotta cut that hair."
Boy says, "but Dad, Jesus had long hair"
and Dad says
"that's right son, and Jesus walked everywhere"
(credit goes to the band The Silver Jews)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gzs7e/boy_wants_a_car_from_his_dad/
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A woman was walking down the street

when she was accosted by a homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gzq59/a_woman_was_walking_down_the_street/
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What does a mechanic do for a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gzpzd/what_does_a_mechanic_do_for_a_one_night_stand/
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A guy decides to try horseback riding...

... even though he has had no lessons nor prior experience.
He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace but the guy begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck but he slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally giving up his frail grip the guy attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.
Unfortunately his foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
He is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.
As his head is battered against the ground he is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune, John, the Walmart Greeter sees his dilemma and unplugs the horse... and you thought all they did was say Hello.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gznfz/a_guy_decides_to_try_horseback_riding/
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I told my wife she was applying her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gzlzd/i_told_my_wife_she_was_applying_her_eyebrows_too/
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I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gzjdz/i_like_to_stand_in_the_corner_of_my_psychiatrists/
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Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gzhs1/why_did_the_console_peasant_cross_the_road/
%
Last night I ate 3 large spicy curry rolls while watching Westworld.

These violent delights have violent ends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gzh5w/last_night_i_ate_3_large_spicy_curry_rolls_while/
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Today I wanted to make a broken pencil pun

But there's no point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gzgir/today_i_wanted_to_make_a_broken_pencil_pun/
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A black man and a white man walk into a bakery

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The white man replies, "Look in the black mans back pocket....."
:) :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gzdsn/a_black_man_and_a_white_man_walk_into_a_bakery/
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The mexicans are getting deported...

Juan by Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gzapr/the_mexicans_are_getting_deported/
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What do the Canadian Illuminati call themselves?

The Illuminat-Eh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gz5vd/what_do_the_canadian_illuminati_call_themselves/
%
How many Trumps does it take to screw a light bulb?

One, he screws everything up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gz2pu/how_many_trumps_does_it_take_to_screw_a_light_bulb/
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I just had a breakup for being honest

GF: You know to day is Valentines Day right?
ME: mmm...yeah, so?
GF: Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous.
ME: Well, that explains why they've received flowers doesn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gyzi8/i_just_had_a_breakup_for_being_honest/
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My friend was ashamed of impulse buying a $1000 mattress

I asked him to sleep on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gyr8e/my_friend_was_ashamed_of_impulse_buying_a_1000/
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A man goes to the doctor with some stomach issues

After a quick check up the doctor prescribes him with two anal suppositories. The doctor tells the man that he will do the first one, but that the man will have to make other arrangements in four hours for the next. The doctor put his hands on the man shoulders and rammed the pill up him. The man was a little taken aback, but okay. Four hours late the man approaches his wife and asks her to do the second. She obliges, puts her hand on his shoulder and goes for it. The man screams in shock. Reacting the wife says "darling whats wrong, did I hurt you?" The man responds "no, but I just realised when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gyq1e/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_with_some_stomach_issues/
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What do you call a Jewish Pokémon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gypsm/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokémon_trainer/
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My Grandma Discovered an online knitting forum

She was upset the other day, apparently she used the *wrong thread* and the Mods banned her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gyoab/my_grandma_discovered_an_online_knitting_forum/
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TIL the average person has sex 90 times a year...

... My December is going to be fucking sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gyn7w/til_the_average_person_has_sex_90_times_a_year/
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Damn girl are you an Indian reservation?

Cause I want to lay some pipe in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gymw6/damn_girl_are_you_an_indian_reservation/
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John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him to be Catholic. They went over and talked with him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.
They took him to church and the priest sprinkled some water over him and told him "Your were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist and now you are a Catholic". The men of the neighborhood were SO relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on??? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent.
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill and saying, "you were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gyknh/john_smith_was_the_only_protestant_to_move_into/
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I really want to get into BDSM

I just need someone to show me the ropes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gyj36/i_really_want_to_get_into_bdsm/
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I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gyhrf/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
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A Guy and His Turtle Walk Into a Bar...

And he sees another guy sitting at the bar with his pet greyhound. So he walks over to the guy and says "I bet you fifty bucks my turtle can beat your greyhound in a race to the other side of the bar". The guy looks at his pure-bred, muscular champion of a dog - then he looks at buddy's turtle - with it's cracked shell, broken leg, blood dripping from it's eyes... He says "alright buddy you're on". Suddenly the dog takes off - it's halfway across the bar... Turtle takes a couple of steps. The greyhound is 3/4 of the way across the bar! Turtle takes a couple more steps... Right before the greyhound is about the reach the other end of the bar buddy winds up and hoofs his turtle as hard as he fucking can - it hits the wall with a painful, resounding thud! The guy laughs and collects his fifty bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gyfus/a_guy_and_his_turtle_walk_into_a_bar/
%
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Edward Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gyfif/an_attorney_arrived_home_late_after_a_very_tough/
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A Neutron Walks Into a Bar

And says "Oh my God I think I just lost an electron!" The bartender asks "are you positive?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gyegm/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
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The girl started screaming “Oh my God, help me, there’s a wasp inside me!”

The boyfriend quickly covered her with his jacket, carried her to the car and raced to the hospital where he explained the situation.
After examining her, the doctor realized that the wasp was in too deep to be reached. The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if the young sir would permit.”
The boyfriend agreed that he willing to do whatever it took to get the wasp out.
The doctor said, “Okay, what I suggest you do is rub some jam over the top of your penis and insert it into your young lady. When you feel the wasp getting closer to the tip, withdraw it and the wasp should hopefully follow it out.”
The boyfriend agreed, but was so upset and nervous that he was unable to rise to the occasion.
“If neither of you object, I could give it a try,” suggested the doctor.
The boyfriend nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, yes, whatever, please just get on with it!”
The doctor quickly undressed, dipped his penis in jam and mounted the woman. Her boyfriend watched with alarm as the doctor began thrusting forcefully and showed no signs of pulling out.
The boyfriend, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted: “Now, wait a minute, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“Change of plan,” gasped the doctor. “The wasp is in too deep. I’m going to try to drown the little fucker.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gycnc/the_girl_started_screaming_oh_my_god_help_me/
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I don't trust stairs...

They're always up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gyc2i/i_dont_trust_stairs/
%
Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...

... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"
Bartender: "Water."
Ramsay: "Fresh?"
Bartender: "No, frozen."
Ramsay: "Oh for fuck's sake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gybvp/gordon_ramsay_walks_into_a_bar/
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So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gyakp/so_i_suggested_to_my_wife_that_shed_look_sexier/
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How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gy8ag/how_do_you_cover_12_holes_with_one_hole/
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What does the word 'gay' mean?

asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gy7ac/what_does_the_word_gay_mean/
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There are three things that are certain in life...

Death, taxes, and that this is a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gy709/there_are_three_things_that_are_certain_in_life/
%
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey…

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything around the bar.  Then the monkey jumps onto the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy.  "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again.  He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar.  The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy.  "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gy6sn/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
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Confucius say....

"One who farts in church, sits in own pew"
"Learn to masturbate, it come in handy"
"Man who mix Viagra with Laxative, Not know when he coming or going"
"Man who make mistake in elevator, wrong on many levels"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it"
"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gy5tp/confucius_say/
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Dark humor is like child cancer.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gy5e5/dark_humor_is_like_child_cancer/
%
Hellen Keller was the first person to go to Disney land.

Don't worry, she didn't know it either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gy4e2/hellen_keller_was_the_first_person_to_go_to/
%
I like my women how I like my golf scores...

Low 80's with a slight handicapp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gy2nr/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_golf_scores/
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A hostel in USSR

A banker went to Moscow, and he stayed in a hostel on Moscow's outskirts. Only available room has three other people in it - a group of friends. He had a very important meeting the next day, but his roommates were loud; drinking, playing cards and telling jokes about communism, Lenin, Stalin and USSR. The banker, tired and sleepy, went to the reception.
"I'd like to order four teas to room 16, in 10 minutes" he said to porter. Back in his room, he said loudly:
"Comrades, I hear you joke about mother Russia, and her great leaders, aren't you afraid of secret police eavesdropping?"
"Comrade, it's a good place, no one is eavesdropping here! I knew the owner fit years!" said one of the men
"Let's see. Commissar, can we get four teas here?"
Just a few minutes later porter brought a tray with four glasses. The three men, all pale, went silent and have gone to sleep.
The next morning banker woke up and noticed that the room is empty. Curious, he went to the reception and asked about the three men.
"oh, them? Secret service took them this morning."
"and they didn't take me too?"
"Nah, the Commissar really liked this trick with the teas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gy1z5/a_hostel_in_ussr/
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Police as me a question:

....Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With Me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: You won't believe me if I tell you.
Police: Tell Me!
Me: Next to my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gy1ti/police_as_me_a_question/
%
A Guy Walks Into a Bar With a Monkey

The man sits down at the bar, orders a drink, and immediately the monkey is running all around the bar, causing havoc. Before long, the monkey jumps over to the bar, grabs a bowl of pretzels, and gobbles them down without hesitation. Next, the monkey devours an entire jar of cocktail olives in seconds. Without a moment's pause, the monkey jumps over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it whole. The bartender is furious.
"Your monkey is trashing my bar!!" He fumes "First he eats all my pretzels, then all my olives, and then my cue ball! How are my customers supposed to play pool?"
"I understand," The man replies, "Don't worry, I'll pay for everything my monkey breaks." Indeed, the man is true to his word. As soon as he finishes his drink, he collects his monkey, pays for everything, and leaves.
The next week, the same thing happens. Same man walks into the same bar with his monkey, he orders a drink, and the monkey goes wild. Suddenly, the monkey jumps to the bar, grabs a cherry, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. By now the bartender is livid.
"Did you see what your monkey just did!? He put a cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it! That's disgusting!!" He yells.
The man replies, "I know...ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he's been measuring everything first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gy14p/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_monkey/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gxzzz/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Science creates airplanes and skyscrapers,

Faith brings them together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gxyfy/science_creates_airplanes_and_skyscrapers/
%
Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks, it's girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gxwjj/did_you_know_you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by/
%
Why is gay marriage an issue?

Because people are fucking assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gxvaj/why_is_gay_marriage_an_issue/
%
Someone tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told them its the last thing I need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gxtok/someone_tried_to_sell_me_a_coffin_today/
%
How do you catch a rabbit?

Sit in a field and make carrot noises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gxpbg/how_do_you_catch_a_rabbit/
%
Doctor is rummaging through his bag looking for a pen...

He pulls out a rectal thermometer instead, "Ah goddammit some asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gxi4e/doctor_is_rummaging_through_his_bag_looking_for_a/
%
I wrote a song about tortilla's

Well. It's more of a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gxhyg/i_wrote_a_song_about_tortillas/
%
My doctor said I have only 2 years to live

So I killed the doctor and the judge gave me 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gxfq7/my_doctor_said_i_have_only_2_years_to_live/
%
What word starts with the letter N, ends with the letter R, and you never want to call a black thug

Neighbor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gxf32/what_word_starts_with_the_letter_n_ends_with_the/
%
Have you read the book about anti-gravity?

Much like that one book, Old Yeller, it's pretty damn hard to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gx6ik/have_you_read_the_book_about_antigravity/
%
What do you call a puppy with autism?

aww-tistic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gx3h0/what_do_you_call_a_puppy_with_autism/
%
Caught red handed

Little Johnny asks, "Dad, why do they say people who are good at gardening have a green thumb?".
Dad thought for a moment, "Johnny, it's just a saying. It's like when someone is caught stealing, it's said they're caught red handed, even though their hands are black".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gx17j/caught_red_handed/
%
A panda walks into a bar.

A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”.
“Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?”
The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gx0d9/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Three vampire bats had a blood drinking competition

The first bat flew away and came back with blood on its teeth saying "You see that man over there? I drank his blood"
Then the second bat flew away and came back with blood all around his mouth saying "You see that family over there? I drank blood from all of them"
Then it was the third bat's turn. He flew away and came back with his whole face covered in blood. The other bats gasped in amazement and asked "how many people did you drain?"
The bat answered: "You see that wall over there? Well, I fucking didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gx027/three_vampire_bats_had_a_blood_drinking/
%
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.

But he says he can stop anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwzwu/i_know_a_guy_whos_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
%
An Australian Christmas

Australian Santa: What would you like for Christmas little girl?
Girl: A Barbie
**girl wakes up to find a Broil King BBQ under the tree**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwx8m/an_australian_christmas/
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How many times does a blonde laugh at a joke?

Three times.
Once when you tell the joke. A second time when you explain it and a third time when she understands it.
Just kidding. She won't understand it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gww7l/how_many_times_does_a_blonde_laugh_at_a_joke/
%
WebMD just released the entire catalog of human diseases...

* cancer
* flu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwvo7/webmd_just_released_the_entire_catalog_of_human/
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The difference between 'butter' and 'i cant believe its not butter'...

Is Marge-inal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwte4/the_difference_between_butter_and_i_cant_believe/
%
I try to make good food, but

it all turns to shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwt6x/i_try_to_make_good_food_but/
%
A German walks into a bar...

He sees a Jew sitting in the corner. He frowns. He says to the bartender, "I'll buy a round, for everyone but the Jew." The Jew smiles. The German asks the bartender, and he just shrugs. So, the German does it again. The Jew smiles even more. Now, the German is pissed. He asks the bartender again, what's wrong with him?
The bartender tells him "He's the owner, and he thanks you for your patronage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwt3n/a_german_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband.

“I know you’ve been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?” The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, there were many. Let’s just leave it alone.” The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. “Let’s see.” he said “There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gws8r/a_man_and_a_woman_had_been_married_some_time_when/
%
What's the difference between ancient religious texts and fake news?

A little over 2000 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwpio/whats_the_difference_between_ancient_religious/
%
Tom and his wife goes to a stripclub

Tom works hard during the days and spends his every evening bowling. His wife thinks he's overworking himself, so on his bday she brings him to the local stripclub. As they arrive at the stripclub, the bouncer greets them.
"Hello Tom"
"Hello mate"
After the interaction with the bouncer, his wife asks him
"Do you know that guy?"
"Yeah, we're on the same bowling team"
They walk inside and sits down at a table, and a waitress comes up to them asking Tom if he wants his regular Budweiser. Tom nods at her.
"Do you come here often since the waitress knows what beer you like?"
"Of course not, honey. She's on the womens bowling team. We share the alley with them."
Then a stripper walks over to them and asks Tom if he wants the dance on the table again. Tom's wife becomes furious and walks out of the club. Tom manages to jump into the same taxi as her before she closes the door, and she proceeds to chew Tom out. The taxidriver turns around and says to Tom:
"Hey Tom, I see you've found yourself a real bitch tonight"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwgci/tom_and_his_wife_goes_to_a_stripclub/
%
What do you call a big pile of kittens?

Meowtain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwg2o/what_do_you_call_a_big_pile_of_kittens/
%
I hate Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwfqy/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
I found out something fascinating just now. Did you know that one in two people...

Is a threesome?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwf9u/i_found_out_something_fascinating_just_now_did/
%
A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom when a dildo hits the windshield...

The little girl asks: Mommy, what was that?
The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: It was just a bug honey.
The little girl sits quietly for a while, before exclaiming: It sure had a big dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwf3i/a_little_girl_is_riding_along_the_highway_with/
%
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwd0i/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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Speeding excuse

A senior citizen drove his brand new Porsche at 100 kmph down the highway.  Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him.  He floored it to 140, then 150... then 170.
Suddenly, he thought "I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up to him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Since today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend, if you can give me a reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The old man looked very seriously at the police man and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwc2k/speeding_excuse/
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They say 1 out of 3 people cheat in a relationship

I'm still trying to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my wife that's cheating on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwbhn/they_say_1_out_of_3_people_cheat_in_a_relationship/
%
I once met a guy named Charlie who pulled chicks left and right...

I asked him "how do you have so many girls?" and he mentioned that they always come back to him.
"My secret, is before having sex, I'll whip out my dick and bang it against the fridge. That way it gets numb and I last longer making my woman feel good."
So that night I went home to my wife to try this out. To surprise her, I took a day off and went to the kitchen. I whipped out my dick, banged it against the fridge when my wife called out to me:
"Is that you Charlie?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gwb9y/i_once_met_a_guy_named_charlie_who_pulled_chicks/
%
Three gay men died, and were cremated...

... Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.''
The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.''
The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gw9js/three_gay_men_died_and_were_cremated/
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TIL If coral get too stressed, they die. Their primary source of stress?

Current events

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gw8xs/til_if_coral_get_too_stressed_they_die_their/
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Lie Detector

A man buys a robot shaped like an arm and a hand and brings it home to his wife and son.
Son: "What is it?"
Dad: "It's a lie detector robot.  It slaps people who lie."
Son: "No way!"
Dad: "It really is. Here let's try it: why weren't you at school today?"
Son (defensive): "I WAS at school!"
The robot slaps the son.
Son: "OK! OK! I snuck out with a friend to watch a movie!"
Dad: "Oh... Which movie was it?"
Son:"...The new Marvel one...'Doctor Strange'..."
The robot slaps the son.
Son: "OK! OK! It was a porn movie!"
Dad (horrified): "WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT PORN WAS!!!"
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs out loud: "Well, at least this joke isn't a repost."
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gw8a2/lie_detector/
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Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but now I turned that around..

Now I'm depressed and miserable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gw6xb/last_year_i_felt_miserable_and_depressed_but_now/
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Clever Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays, and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.  The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gw4hj/clever_monkey/
%
The furniture store keeps calling me back.....

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gw4a5/the_furniture_store_keeps_calling_me_back/
%
Why is it illegal to masturbate on an airplane?

Because its high jacking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gw35f/why_is_it_illegal_to_masturbate_on_an_airplane/
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True love lasts...

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gw1g2/true_love_lasts/
%
Called an old school friend, asked what was he doing nowadays...

He replied that he is working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium, and steel under a constrained environment"
As always, I was impressed...
On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gvvd5/called_an_old_school_friend_asked_what_was_he/
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A little story about my mate Dave

So my mate Dave-- he's a pretty good lad. Nice house, nice friends, a solid job. All around he's got an easy life. But there was just one problem. He didn't have anyone to share it with.
So, he goes up to my other mate Chris and he says,
"Chris, what's wrong with me, why can't I get a girlfriend?"
"I'll be honest Dave. It's because you're obsessed with tractors."
And it was true! Dave was absolutely obsessed with tractors. He had tractor wallpaper, bedding, pajamas, a cascade of farmhouse vehicle memorabilia. He would even refuse to eat his toast if it wasn't cut into the shape of a tractor.
So, desperate for love, he goes to his Mum and says he wants all of his tractor-related things removed.
"Dave, are you sure? That's literally everything you own."
"I'm sure. Get rid of it all."
So she sells everything from the shampoo to the curtains, and makes a tidy profit in the process. She buys Dave normal clothes, normal sheets, normal toast. She made him a new man.
And it worked! Dave did get a girlfriend, and as they walked arm in arm down the street, they saw something in the distance. A house that had caught on fire! Not a moment wasted, Dave sprinted to the letterbox and, with one big gulp, sucked all of the oxygen out of the house, extinguishing the inferno.
Renowned as a town hero, Dave found himself on national television, smiling nervously at an audience of admirers as the reporter asked him the fatal question.
"Dave! Dave, how did you do it? How did you accomplish this incredible feat?"
Dave turned to the camera, cleared his throat and said,
"My name's Dave. And I'm an ex-tractor fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gvrf2/a_little_story_about_my_mate_dave/
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A man and a woman get married...

On their first night in the new house, the man says to the woman:
"Darling, there will be no secrets between us, except this one. Don't you ever open the drawer of my nightstand. We will be fine with this little rule."
And, sure enough, they lead a very harmonic life, have wonderful kids, everything is just peachy.
Then one day, the kids are long out of the house, the wife accidentally knocks over the husband's nightstand while making the bed and open comes the drawer. Inside she finds this: three eggs and 147 Dollars in small notes.
When the husband comes home, she tells him "Listen, I accidentally knocked over the nightstand and found the eggs and the money. What is it with these?"
"Well", he says, "I hoped you'd never find out, but now that you've seen it, there's no denying it any more. AMA!"
"What's with the eggs?"
"Baby, every time I cheated on you, I put an egg into the drawer."
The wife pulls a face, but is actually quite relieved, because she knows how men are and thinks, well, three times in 30 years, that's not so bad. "So what about the money?"
"Every time the drawer was full, I sold the eggs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gvmyt/a_man_and_a_woman_get_married/
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Billy goes to see Bobo the clown

Billy loves Bobo, he can barely contain his excitement. He sits front row and center as the show begins. Bobo comes out on stage and walks right up to little Billy.
"Hey there kid, what's your name?" Bobo asks.
"Billy!"
"Well hey Billy are you a horses head?"
"No?"
"Then you must be a horses ass!!!"
The whole crowd starts laughing and hollering as Bobo starts walking away from Billy. Billy, absolutely stunned, has no idea what to say.
After the show Billy finds out Bobo will return in 4 years. He decides that he will get Bobo back for humiliating him when he returns.
During those 4 years, Billy stayed up every night watching stand up comics and comedies while noting down the best comebacks. He enrolled in comedy classes and ended up getting a degree in insults and combacks. He dedicated his whole life to this.
The night has finally come of Bob's return. Billy sits in the exact seat he was in last time. Bobo comes out on stage again and walks right up to Billy.
"Hey Billy, long time no see. So are you a horses head?" Bobo asked yet again.
"No"
"Then you must be a horses ass!"
Again the whole crowd erupts and Bobo turns his back and starts walking away from Billy. As the laughter dies down, Billy stands up and shouts through cupped hands:
"Hey Bobo.... Fuck you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gvlcb/billy_goes_to_see_bobo_the_clown/
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The average Elephant can jump as high as a house

Mostly due to the fact that houses can't jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gvkm1/the_average_elephant_can_jump_as_high_as_a_house/
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A husband says to his wife:

"I hate to tell you this but your swimming costume is very tight and revealing."
"Wear your own one then!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gviq3/a_husband_says_to_his_wife/
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Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom one morning with a note on his bed reading “I can’t take the critism anymore.”

She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally “my dear…that’s NOT how you spell criticism!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gvhxg/rita_found_her_husband_hanging_in_his_bedroom_one/
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What kind of math do feminists hate?

Triggernometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gvhkx/what_kind_of_math_do_feminists_hate/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gvfdc/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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What's the hardest thing about Rollerblading?

Telling your dad you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gvf2m/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_rollerblading/
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Why did the chicken hold a seance?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gvd71/why_did_the_chicken_hold_a_seance/
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The blonde and the lawyer.

A blonde is sat on a plane waiting for everyone to sit down and to get airborne. A guy in an expensive looking suit sits along side her and introduces himself.
Disinterested, she says hi and turns towards the window.
He asks if she'd like to play a game. She says no.
Just after take off he tries again. Explaining this time that the game is question and answer. He asks a question and if she knows the answer he pays her $5. If not... she pays him.
She snaps back at him that she's not interested. So he tells her he is a lawyer and will make it interesting. If she doesn't know the answer she pays $5. If she asks one he doesn't know though, he will pay $500 to her.
Still not really wanting to she reluctantly accepted and he goes first. "What is the distance in miles from Earth to the moon?"
She doesn't say a word. She just reaches for her purse hand hands him five bucks. Then goes to grab her travel pillow to get some shut eye and escape the lawyer.
He says wait. It's your turn!
She thinks for a moment and says "what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
He looks confused for a moment and she starts to get comfortable. He says he's going to have to think about it and she goes to sleep.
As soon as she nods off he gets his laptop out and searches all of it for an answer. He connects to the internet and tries everything from I'm feeling lucky on google to Wikipedia and fires emails to his most likely to quiz contacts.
After an hour of finding nothing he wakes her up with a $500 check.
"Thank you" and she tries to get immediately back into her comfortable spot when he asks,
"Wait! What does go up a hill with three legs but comes down with four?"
Without a word she reaches for her purse and hands him $5.
And you thought blondes were all dumb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gvbd3/the_blonde_and_the_lawyer/
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What's the stupidest animal in the Jungle?

A Polar Bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gv9zi/whats_the_stupidest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee?

Because they're all dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gv5fb/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_pee/
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I just realized I'm a bisexual.

Every time I have sex, I have to buy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gv3lc/i_just_realized_im_a_bisexual/
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A dad has 3 daughters and 1 son

They all live in a pretty casual house.
One day, one of his daughters came into his room and said: "Um, hey Dad, I'm lesbian."
Fuming, he sends her to her room angrily.
Then comes his 2nd daughter: "Um, hey Dad, I'm lesbian too"
The father is now angrier than humanly possible, right then, the 3rd daughter came in: "Um, hey Dad, I'm also lesbian..."
With all the might he can, he shouts: "DOES NOBODY IN THIS DAMNED HOUSE LIKE BOYS?!"
In comes his son: "Um, hey Dad..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gv3d5/a_dad_has_3_daughters_and_1_son/
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Why was the bodybuilder arrested at the elementary school?

Because it was a gun-free zone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5guztv/why_was_the_bodybuilder_arrested_at_the/
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My Grocery Store Experience

5-7min read. Based on a true story.
---
I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like Milk, Eggs, & Bacon. Yes, Bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck deciding between Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Fruity Pebbles, which has always been a tough decision for me. From the corner of my eye I see an older woman peering at me. She was probably in her 60's or 70's, wrinkles, very ... grandma-looking.
Anyways, I didn't think much of it and grabbed the Fruity Pebbles. I started making my way to the next aisle, which required me to go past her. When I got close, she turned to me and asked me to get a box of cereal (some specialty diabetic kind) from the top shelf. I grabbed the box and handed it to her. She used that moment of kindness to start up a conversation with me. I'm all about "respecting your elders" but I have no idea who this woman is and I didn't really care. Still, I figured she probably doesn't have anybody to talk to and I wasn't in much of a rush so I avoided being rude.
The conversation started out pretty normal. She was talking about the weather and her daughter (maybe she was trying to set me up?) but then it got pretty personal. She started telling me about her son who died fighting in Iraq, how I look just like him, and that I remind her of him. She started telling me a story about him as a young boy and I had to feign sadness. The whole thing was a bit much for a Monday night so I figured once we get out of the aisle, I can break away.
We finally got to the front by the registers. She got into one of the lines, I went to get some fresh ~~muffins~~ bread. When I got back to the register, the line she was in happened to be the shortest so I decided to take my chances. Wrong move. Literally the moment I got within proximity, she turned around and picked up the conversation exactly where it left off, telling me how much she misses her son. She then asked if I could do her a huge favor that would really make her holiday season. "When I walk out, can you wave and say 'Goodbye Mom' to me?" Apparently she never got closure and hearing those words would mean the world to her. I said sure but it's not like I jumped at the request, I was actually very sketched out by the whole thing. However, I claim to be a good person and just to be clear on the situation, Monday night grocery shopping, 70 y/o granny asks you to make her holiday season by saying 2 words. What kind of an asshole would I be to say no?
As we got to the cash register, I had a change of heart in my cereal decision. I decided to go with the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Retrospectively, I think my subconscious wanted to get away and was hoping she would be gone by the time I got back. The aisle was pretty close and when I got back she just got done bagging the groceries. I'm looking down, fidgeting with my wallet, hoping she forgets the whole situation and just walks out the door. Sure enough, as I look up there she is, just waving at me by the exit. Very awkwardly, I wave and shout "Goodbye mom". She walked out and I sighed, so happy that she was gone and that whole ordeal was over with. The cashier rings up my items and I proceeded to bag them. I take out my credit card as the cashier looks at me and says "That'll be $124.37". I looked at my bag that held something like six items and then back at the cashier. "There must be some mix-up, there's no way my groceries came out to a hundred dollars". She looked back at me puzzled "Oh, your mom said you were paying for her".
**THAT FCKING BTCH.**
I normally don't curse in public but I screamed. I was BOILING with rage. I dropped my bag, ran outside, and saw this old little conniving shit scurrying to close the trunk. I bolted in her direction. She opened the front door of her car and got in, but before she could close it, I grabbed it and flung it open. I yelled "ARE YOU FCKING KIDDING ME?". She, probably scared for her life, started screaming and kicking me. This got me SOOO mad because to any bystander, it probably looked like I was trying to rob this poor old grandma. I tried to grab a hold of the foot she was using to kick me and finally I did. So there I was, pulling her leg, just like I'm pulling yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5guzne/my_grocery_store_experience/
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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5guymf/a_mother_shark_is_teaching_her_young_how_to_eat/
%
Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.
(I know, I don't get it either.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5guv5l/wanna_hear_a_joke/
%
Rick Astley is such a nice guy

He'll let you borrow any of his Disney Pixar DVD collection! Except Up!
He's Never Gonna Give You Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gutie/rick_astley_is_such_a_nice_guy/
%
50s Soviet joke

Who is your mother?
Our great Soviet country.
Who is your father?
Our dear comrade Stalin.
What's your greatest desire?
Becoming an orphan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gus3j/50s_soviet_joke/
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An Infinite Number Of Mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on…
After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “You fellas ought to know your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gupzt/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
How do trees browse the internet?

They log in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5guomd/how_do_trees_browse_the_internet/
%
What do you call a fountain whose angel statue has been stolen?

A sans seraph font.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gunok/what_do_you_call_a_fountain_whose_angel_statue/
%
Biology Lesson

Dr Adams is holding forth to his college students on biology and anatomy. "Miss Baker, can you tell me which part of the human body can expand by up to 10 times, and under what conditions?"
Miss Baker blushes furiously, and says, "That is not an appropriate question to ask a lady, and I will report you to the Dean."
Dr Adams just nods and says, "Miss Conrad, same question."
Miss Conrad stands and says, "The pupil of the eye, under dim light."
Dr Adams nods again and says "Correct, full marks for Miss Conrad." Then he turns and says, "Miss Baker, I can tell you three things. First, you have not studied. Second, you have a dirty mind. Third, you are going to suffer a grave disappointment."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gulon/biology_lesson/
%
I was at the dentist the other day, and she told me to open up.

"well, it all started when I was three.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gulf5/i_was_at_the_dentist_the_other_day_and_she_told/
%
This morning I was in my car doing donuts in the parking lot at work

Now I have glaze all over my balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gukhk/this_morning_i_was_in_my_car_doing_donuts_in_the/
%
The only "b" word a girl should be called is beautiful

Bitches love being called beautiful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gukak/the_only_b_word_a_girl_should_be_called_is/
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Mozart killed all his chickens..

he had asked them who the best composer was, and they kept saying " Bach! Bach! Bach!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gujoy/mozart_killed_all_his_chickens/
%
Math Question

A couple is on a date and they're asking each other math questions.
Male: What's 5x plus 5x?
Female: 10x.
Male: What's 5q plus 5q?
Female: 10q.
Male: You're welcome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5guij8/math_question/
%
Why doesn't Pac-Man use Twitter?

Because he doesn't like being followed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gud32/why_doesnt_pacman_use_twitter/
%
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gu5od/three_men_were_discussing_aging_at_the_nursing/
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The American people should elect Gabe Newell president in 2020.

That way we can be 100% certain the President of the United States will not start World War III.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gu4jg/the_american_people_should_elect_gabe_newell/
%
Want to hear a good construction joke?

I'm still working on it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gu332/want_to_hear_a_good_construction_joke/
%
A homeless guy is sitting on a bus

He's sitting on a bus, right behind the driver.
At the next stop in comes a nun, but not any nun, the most beautiful nun the homeless guy has ever seen, so beautiful in fact, that he just can't keep his mouth closed, drooling and moaning and groping the air towards her until she gets too freaked out and runs off at the next stop.
The bus driver then turns around and says: "If you want to fuck the nun, she goes and prays every Wednesday at the cemetery, all you have to do is get a Jesus costume, go to the cemetery and she'll jump right on you."
The homeless guy goes and gets the Jesus costume, waits til Wednesday night and goes to the cemetery.
Lo and behold there she is, like the driver said, on her knees praying, So the homeless guy starts waving his arms and saying "I'm Jesus, Fuck me!"
The nun replies: "Ok! but you have to put it in my butt cause I need to stay a virgin"
The homeless guy doesn't think twice, sticks it in and gets it over with.
As soon as he finishes he steps back, rips off the costume and yells: "Haha! I'm the homeless guy!"
Well the nun steps back, rips off her costume and says "Hahaha!! I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gu1zk/a_homeless_guy_is_sitting_on_a_bus/
%
What do you call an angry psychologist?

A thera-pissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gu1yp/what_do_you_call_an_angry_psychologist/
%
A redneck child runs up to his father and yells "Dad! Uncle Tommy is fucking the dog."

The dad responds "For fucks sake, Tommy. Where is that bastard?"
"He's in my room"
"Why'd you let him fuck the dog in your room?"
To which the boy responds, "I didn't have a choice. He just barged in and said it was his turn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gu161/a_redneck_child_runs_up_to_his_father_and_yells/
%
I was thinking about making a sodium joke

...but Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gtvso/i_was_thinking_about_making_a_sodium_joke/
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A part in the play

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gtv2q/a_part_in_the_play/
%
Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gtuow/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
Two Jews working in a shop.

One of them asks:
-Abraham, how much is 13 times 8?
-Are we buying or selling?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gttot/two_jews_working_in_a_shop/
%
Life's like a box of chocolates.

If you're fat, it doesn't last long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gtrgr/lifes_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Dark humor is like a children's cancer ward...

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gtqc3/dark_humor_is_like_a_childrens_cancer_ward/
%
why does santa have such a huge sack

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gtmqv/why_does_santa_have_such_a_huge_sack/
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What would you call it when a dinosaur gets into a car crash?

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gtlye/what_would_you_call_it_when_a_dinosaur_gets_into/
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What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA?

A strongly worded reprimand from the university's board of regents, and an immediate withdrawal of your funding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gtltl/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_human_dna_and_goat/
%
What's the worst part about dating a Japanese girl?

When you break up with her, you have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gtjko/whats_the_worst_part_about_dating_a_japanese_girl/
%
My new mixtape is called GPA...

And it's about to drop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gtj1x/my_new_mixtape_is_called_gpa/
%
I can never finish anything

so I bought a cyanide advent calendar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gti4b/i_can_never_finish_anything/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me having sex with her dog.

I guess I really screwed the pooch on that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gthlo/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_she_caught/
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An airplane was about to crash.

There were four passengers on board but only three parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.
The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected US president and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year old school boy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left. You have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest president took my school bag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gth3d/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash/
%
My girlfriend took me bra shopping

It was an uplifting experience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gtdlf/my_girlfriend_took_me_bra_shopping/
%
Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?

Because all the DNA matches, and there are no dental records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gt9t8/why_are_redneck_murder_cases_the_hardest_to_solve/
%
Apparently its true.

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gt8rc/apparently_its_true/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gt7kl/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it forgets to use a condom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gt7ft/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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What do you call a Hispanic midget?

A paragraph. He's too short to be called esse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gt6zk/what_do_you_call_a_hispanic_midget/
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What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two damn Arabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gt39a/whats_your_name_asked_the_teacher/
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Mother Teresa lived to 87. Do you know how much sex she had in all those years?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gt02w/mother_teresa_lived_to_87_do_you_know_how_much/
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I heard reincarnation...

...is making a comeback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsuxj/i_heard_reincarnation/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

"Keep the tip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsu0a/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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An upstart comedian speaks to a famous movie producer ...

"So, what's your idea?"
"Well, I want to make the film about how a wealthy New York businessman raised his child to become a selfish, arrogant prick just like himself.  The boy's such a fucking asshole that even his neglectful father gets sick of the rat and sends him to a military academy.  However, the boy was so high up his own anus that even the military couldn't smother his raging ego-boner.  The boy, now very much a sad-excuse for a man, graduated from the disgraced school and started his own business.  The company was resoundingly not-successful, taking on massive amounts of debt which he did not disclose to his shareholders.  However, through sheer douchebaggery and likely criminal scheming, he rose into the highest echelons of society and the gall bladder of his digestive system.  He proceeds to start a shitty reality TV show, molest countless women, start a racist conspiracy theory against the first black president, and even runs for pres- ..."
"That's enough!  I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in promoting such a humourless political documentary disparaging President Elect Donald Trump."
"Wait, *what are you talking about*?  I haven't even told you the movie's name and you've already assumed the worst!"
"Then what in the world could this piece-of-shit, drivelling story possibly be called?!
"*The Aristocrats*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsqt1/an_upstart_comedian_speaks_to_a_famous_movie/
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A plane was about to crash, and a woman stood up, took off her top, and exclaimed "Before this plane goes down, is there a man on board who will make me feel like a woman before I die!?"

A man stood up, took off his shirt and threw it at her, and said
"Here, iron this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsqgj/a_plane_was_about_to_crash_and_a_woman_stood_up/
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An elderly couple was having dinner one evening

When the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsovl/an_elderly_couple_was_having_dinner_one_evening/
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A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsok3/a_judge_asks_a_defendant_to_please_stand_you_are/
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Assholes

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, George and Kevin.
The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.
George arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, George said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and George said, "Nope, ain't Stanley ."
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Kevin in to confirm the identity of the body. Kevin looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Kevin said, "No, it ain't Stanley."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Kevin said, "Well, Stanley had two ass-holes."
"What! He had two ass-holes!?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everybody used to say, there's Stanley with them two ass-holes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gso1g/assholes/
%
What's the difference between light and hard?

I can go to sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsndq/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
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Lunch with Dad.

A Dad took his two boys, ages 4 and 6 to a diner for lunch while out Christmas shopping.  The waitress asked the older boy what he wanted and he said, "I'll have a damn cheeseburger!" Angry that his son had cussed, and in public, the Dad reflexively back handed him off his stool.  The waitress, nonplussed, asked the younger boy what he wanted to eat. The boy replied, "Well I'm not getting a cheeseburger, that's for sure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsks9/lunch_with_dad/
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A black man meets a white woman in a club

A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night.
When the couple arrives at the woman’s apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other.
However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants, “before you take them off….is it true what they say about black guys?”
With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said “baby, of course.” He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsjj6/a_black_man_meets_a_white_woman_in_a_club/
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Box of condoms = $6.99

Cashier's face when you ask where the fitting room is = Priceless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsiqs/box_of_condoms_699/
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Why doesn't Frosty the Snowman wear pants?

He is waiting for the snow blower to come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsgn3/why_doesnt_frosty_the_snowman_wear_pants/
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As soon as he clicked on the title...

...he realized that someone was narrating him while he was browsing reddit.
He chuckled and left an upvote, ready to read some more reposted jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsg2z/as_soon_as_he_clicked_on_the_title/
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They say never go food shopping when you're hungry

but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gseyl/they_say_never_go_food_shopping_when_youre_hungry/
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Mars: I'm wet...

NASA: I'm coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsdtr/mars_im_wet/
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[NSFW][Long] The girl from facebook.

So, when I was 18 I met this girl online, we chatted for quite a bit before she eventually invited me over, now being an 18 year old male, there was only one outcome, I knew I was going to get some ass. I drove over to her house and had this pit in my stomach, I was nervous for some reason, something felt off.
I knocked on her door and was greeted by her dad.
"Oh! You must be IstolethePudding!" (privacy)
"Oh fuck, he knows my plans." I thought to myself.
HE pointed me down the hall to her the living room. I saw her on the couch wrapped up in some blankets. We sat and chatted for a bit, the usual "you look different in person" bs and what not. We sat there for almost an hour, having a really amazing conversation, all fears or nervous feelings dissipated quickly.
She asked me if we could go to the park and I nodded, as I stood up and was offering my hand she pointed to a wheelchair in the corner and asked me to get it for her. I was lost at this point, did she hurt her leg? Was there something in the chair she needed?
"Okay.. Why do you need it?" I asked curiously as i pushed it over to her.
She casually moved the blankets away and revealed that she didn't have any legs, from the mid thigh down there was nothing. Internally panicking I had no idea what to do, my first instinct was to just bolt, but I stayed. Shorty after I helped her in the chair, out the door, and into my car. I folded up her wheelchair and put it in the trunk of my car and drove us to the park.
Once we reached the park I helped her out and was pushing her around the park for quite some time. About 20 minutes later she spotted some willow trees that completely shielded the outside world from what was underneath. She asked to be pushed under them to get out of the heat, and I obliged.
We continued to talk for a few minutes while we were under there before she reached up and grabbed a low branch and hoisted herself out of the chair, with her elbows out she held her weight up from the branch and smiled at me. She gave me this looked and told me to kiss her, I didn't want to be rude, and I had already gone this far, so I did. We started making out and one thing led to another. Before I knew it we were having sex under this tree, and I'll be honest, it was amazing.
We finished up later and I helped her get dressed, then we just at there and talked for another hour or so. I then took her back home and was greeted by her father at the front door.
"Oh, I'm surprised to see you back here." He said casually.
"What do you mean, I took your daughter out to the park..?" I ask quite confused, the entire day was confusing to be honest.
"Well, most guys just leave her hanging."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gscqd/nsfwlong_the_girl_from_facebook/
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My dad beat my brother when he showed him his report card. So, I gave my report card to my mother.

Let her take the beating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsci4/my_dad_beat_my_brother_when_he_showed_him_his/
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Last night, during sex, I suddenly stopped and didn't move...

She was like, "What the hell are you doing!?"
And I was like, "Hush baby, I saw this on PornHub....it's called 'buffering'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsbim/last_night_during_sex_i_suddenly_stopped_and/
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What do you call a Nun in a Wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gsap7/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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A woman heavily pregnant with twins gets shot twice in the stomach...

The woman survives and so do the babies, she eventually gives birth to a boy and a girl.
many years later the girl came running up to her mum "Mummy mummy, I was having a wee and a bullet came out" the mum told her not to worry and explained what happened.
She then sees her son with his head in his hands crying his eyes out, she goes up to him and asks "let me guess you was having a wee and a bullet came out" he replies "No mum it's much worse than that, I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gs9to/a_woman_heavily_pregnant_with_twins_gets_shot/
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Two blondes are sitting on a couch and are watching a movie about the wild-west....

.... The first blonde says: "I bet you 50 bucks that the cowboy is not going to walk into the trap." The second blonde agrees.
After a few seconds the cowboy walks into the trap and dies. The second blonde says: "You can keep your money, I already watched the movie and know that he was going to walk into the trap."The first blonde replies: "Me too, I just didn't think the cowboy would be that stupid to walk into it again...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gs5rm/two_blondes_are_sitting_on_a_couch_and_are/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gs3x0/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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How does a Jew make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gs1rl/how_does_a_jew_make_his_coffee/
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Jews don't recognise Jesus

Protestants don't recognise the Pope
Baptists don't recognise each other at the liquor store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gs1k5/jews_dont_recognise_jesus/
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I'm going to run a marathon next year.

It's a huge challenge, but 26 miles in 365 days is definitely doable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5grzgs/im_going_to_run_a_marathon_next_year/
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Stupid joke

Police: Where do you live?
Me: With My Parents.
Police: Where Do Your Parents Live?
Me: With Me.
Police: Where Do You All Live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where Is Your House?
Me: Next To My Neighbours House.
Police: Where's Your Neighbours House?
Me: If I Told You, You Wouldn't Believe Me...
Police: Tell…
Me: Next To My House. Lol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5grysq/stupid_joke/
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What do you call a witch who only eats sand?

Malnourished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gry3g/what_do_you_call_a_witch_who_only_eats_sand/
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A blind man asks Jesus to heal him

"Behold. I will heal your blindness," Jesus says, "and thy masturbation shall cease."
"Is masturbation a sin? Is it the cause of my blindness?" asks the old man.
Jesus replied, "No, masturbation is not a sin, but I'm tryiing to do an eye exam here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5grvin/a_blind_man_asks_jesus_to_heal_him/
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What is the difference between Jews and Santa Claus?

Santa goes down the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gruk1/what_is_the_difference_between_jews_and_santa/
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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

... Because they got big fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gru0u/why_do_gorillas_have_big_nostrils/
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I really don't have a clear stance on abortion

On one hand I'm all for killing babies.
But on the other hand I don't support women's rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5grqjv/i_really_dont_have_a_clear_stance_on_abortion/
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What did the shoes say to the pants?

SUP, BRITCHES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5grntj/what_did_the_shoes_say_to_the_pants/
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Why did Santa divorce Mrs Clause?

because he only came once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5grm5w/why_did_santa_divorce_mrs_clause/
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So one day Superman is flying around Metropolis and he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on a rooftop...

So one day Superman is flying around Metropolis and he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on a rooftop, spread eagle and everything.
Supes says to himself, "I gotta get me some of that Wonder Pussy. I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can be in and out before she knows what hit her in the eye."
So he flies in, does her like the two pump chump he is, and flies off. Wonder Woman lets out a loud "What the fuck was that!?", to which the Invisible Man replies, "I don't know, but my asshole burns!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5grjye/so_one_day_superman_is_flying_around_metropolis/
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Whats common between dark jokes and little kids with cancer...

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5grjlg/whats_common_between_dark_jokes_and_little_kids/
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Once there was a Cowboy and a Lawyer.

The Lawyer went deer hunting on a friend's farm. A huge buck comes along and the Lawyer raises his gun, fires and the deer runs off injured. There Lawyer gets down from his tree stand and tracks the deer to a neighboring property lying across the fence line. As the Lawyer starts to climb the fence to claim his buck, a Cowboy comes strolling up on horseback.
"Whoaaa there, where do you think you're going?" Said the Cowboy.
"Well," said the Lawyer "You see I shot this buck on my friends land and he ran across this fence line and died on your land. So I'm just coming across to claim what is rightfully mine."
"Well partner, I'm sorry 'bout your luck but this ol' buckaroo is mine now." The Cowboy said.
The Lawyer starting to get angry, "If you don't let me come over and get that buck, I'll sue your country ass for everything you got, and win."
The Cowboy said, "I've got a better idea, how about we settle this like real men and I'll kick you, and then you will kick me and we'll keep taking turns. Whoever is the last one standing gets the buck."
"Deal" said the Lawyer.
The Cowboy gets down from his horse and walks up to the Lawyer, pulls back his leg and kicks the Lawyer right in the nuts, as hard as you can kick someone with steel toe boots. The Lawyer falls to the ground puking, crying out in pain holding his junk. After about five minutes the Lawyer finally somewhat composes himself and gets to his feet on shaky legs.
"OK, my turn" said the Lawyer.
The Cowboy laughs and says, "That's ok, you can have the buck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5grhu5/once_there_was_a_cowboy_and_a_lawyer/
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Why did Santa name his penis Conjunction?

Because it joins Clauses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5grd38/why_did_santa_name_his_penis_conjunction/
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Why do melons always have church weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5grcjw/why_do_melons_always_have_church_weddings/
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My last two girlfriends were unhygienec and made me very unhappy.

I guess you could say they left a sour taste in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5grbr9/my_last_two_girlfriends_were_unhygienec_and_made/
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So this young newlywed couple is on their honeymoon...

They're both kind of shy about sex, so they make an agreement after their very first encounter.
"I'll tell you what," she says. "Instead of any awkward requests for nookie, why don't you just reach over and squeeze my boob three times if you want sex. And if you don't want sex, squeeze it only once, and I'll take the hint."
"Okay. That sounds good. And if you want sex from me, instead of getting all awkward, just reach over and tug on my penis three times."
"What about if I don't want sex?" the wifey asks.
"If you don't want sex, tug on it three hundred times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gr2ef/so_this_young_newlywed_couple_is_on_their/
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Wife is tired of doing everything, husband says it'll be okay.

**Husband:** "Babe, did you say you were making dinner? or what? I can't remember"
**Wife:** *Sighs* "I just wish you'd take some initiative and cook your own dinner for once...I've been at work too you know. So, what, now I come home and get to cook dinner, pack the dishwasher and then unpack the dishwasher, wash all the clothes...and you know what, I just can't continue to live like this! "
**Husband:** "Hey, hey hey, relax. It's going to be alright."
**Wife:** "How?"
**Husband:** "Here, I'll just show you." *Walks over to laundry room.* "You see this basket thing? Well, I've been doing this ever since we moved in here; I don't know if it's the house or what. But, any dirty clothes you put in this basket, somehow the next day, they're just clean, folded, and in a perfect pile on your bed every time."
**Wife:** "You're not serious...?"
**Husband:** "Hey, I couldn't believe it at first either, but it just keeps happening. That's why I didn't want to tell you, I didn't want to jinx it."
**Wife:** "You are insane."
**Husband:** "Try it, you'll see! Unless it's only chosen me...see I don't know."
**Wife:** "I can't do this." *Starts walking away*
**Husband:** "No, wait! There's other things too." *Walks into living room with wife*
"Plates, cutlery, pizza boxes, dirty tissues, **anything** you leave on this coffee table just vanishes overnight. I mean sometimes I'll see how far I can push this thing and I'll just leave shit **everywhere**, and then sure enough, the next day it's all gone! It had just vanished, it's magic!
*Furious wife stomps off*
***Two  police officers show up at husbands house the next day and are talking to him.***
**Husband:** "No, she wouldn't have left me, this is what I think happened. I heard her get up in the middle of the night for a glass of water or something, she must have fallen onto the magic coffee table and just vanished!"
**Female officer:** "Are you insane??"
**Male officer:** "No, he's not insane. I've got the same coffee table at home..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gr1ai/wife_is_tired_of_doing_everything_husband_says/
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding

He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gqxoi/a_man_boarded_an_airplane_and_took_his_seat_as_he/
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I wish I were poor for one day.

Because being poor every day is not something I like waking up to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gqt43/i_wish_i_were_poor_for_one_day/
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Fifty Shades Of Grey.

#272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b,
#2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232,
#343434, #353535, #373737, #393939,
#3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040,
#424242, #444444, #454545, #474747,
#484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d,
#4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353,
#565656, #575757, #585858, #595959,
#5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161,
#626262, #646464, #656565, #676767,
#6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d,
#6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575,
#767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c,
#7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181,
#838383, #868686, #878787, #888888,
#898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e,
#919191, #929292, #949494, #959595,
#979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c,
#9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2,
#a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gqsx3/fifty_shades_of_grey/
%
A man is rushed into the hospital after an accident.

“Doctor, Doctor! I’ve broken my arm in several places."
The Doctor examines the patient's arm, and after a few moments of staring with intensity, he looked at the patient.
Doctor: “lol, well don’t go to those places.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gqsot/a_man_is_rushed_into_the_hospital_after_an/
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Why can't Matthew McConaughey make a left turn?

Because he's *alright alright alright*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gqkdg/why_cant_matthew_mcconaughey_make_a_left_turn/
%
I was at a job interview the other day and they asked what i thought by biggest weakness was...

I told them, "Honesty".
He said, "I don't think that's a weakness."
So, I told him, "Well, honestly, I think you're a fucking idiot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gqkb9/i_was_at_a_job_interview_the_other_day_and_they/
%
I was shocked to see how much vibrators cost these days...

My wife must be sitting on a fortune.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gqjss/i_was_shocked_to_see_how_much_vibrators_cost/
%
Trump chose his Secretary of Defence

But who will be Secretary of De Wall?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gqivj/trump_chose_his_secretary_of_defence/
%
A man helps his friend out by taking his shift at the dildo store

One customer comes in says, "how much for the red one" he says "50 bucks"
2nd customer comes in says "how much for the big black one with the veins" he says "120 dollars"
Final customer comes in says "how much for the plaid one" he says "500 bucks" the customer says "ok teehee only live once"
The mans friend returns and asks "did you make any sales?"
He says "yeah I sold a red one for 50 the big Jim for 120 and I sold your thermos for 500 dollars"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gqaq7/a_man_helps_his_friend_out_by_taking_his_shift_at/
%
An 18 year old Italian girl gets pregnant...

She tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gq93y/an_18_year_old_italian_girl_gets_pregnant/
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What came first? The chicken or the egg?

Clearly the chicken. How would an egg orgasm?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gq8j5/what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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Can I ask another sex question?

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gq6d8/can_i_ask_another_sex_question/
%
What do you call a grammar Nazi in 2016?

An alt-writer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gq43n/what_do_you_call_a_grammar_nazi_in_2016/
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Why did the Police hurry over to the Black Lives Matter Riot?

To beat the crowd!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gq2wt/why_did_the_police_hurry_over_to_the_black_lives/
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A man was walking down a street in Moscow at night

A soviet soldier called out for the man to halt but the man started running, so the soldier shot him. The other soldier on duty asks the former, "Why'd you do that?"
"Why it's curfew," the soldier said.
"Well it's not curfew yet!" his partner said.
"I know- he's a friend of mine. I know where he lives and he couldn't have made it in time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gq277/a_man_was_walking_down_a_street_in_moscow_at_night/
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How did Helen Keller break her arms?

She tried to read a road sign going 45mph

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gq12r/how_did_helen_keller_break_her_arms/
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I knew a fat doctor once, who was obsessed with the weather.

He was a meaty urologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gq0vg/i_knew_a_fat_doctor_once_who_was_obsessed_with/
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I was with my wife in Russia when it starts to drizzle

So I say to my wife "It's raining" she quickly responds  (looking to start a fight) "Actually, I think it's snowing".
This goes back and forth for a few minutes when I notice my buddy Officer Rudolf of the communist national guard. I go over to him and ask, "Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"
He glances over and replies,  "raining, ofcourse".
I turn back to my wife and triumphantly announce, "See, Rudolf the red knows rain dear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gq0ba/i_was_with_my_wife_in_russia_when_it_starts_to/
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What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA?

Thrown out of the petting zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gpy6d/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_human_dna_and_goat/
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Why don't ants get sick?

They have little antibodies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gpw9y/why_dont_ants_get_sick/
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My girlfriend and I are both feminists

But I'm better since I'm a guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gpv42/my_girlfriend_and_i_are_both_feminists/
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An old man is on his death bed...

An old man is on his death bed, and his family has come in from all over the country to be with him in his final hours.
He opens his eyes, and says "Is Ruthie here? My beautiful, loyal wife?"
"Oh yes, my handsome prince! I'm right here!" Ruthie replies
He continues, "...and what of my strapping boy, who always made me proud? Is he here, with that lovely wife of his?"
"Yeah pops, we're right here"
"...and what about those two grandkids of mine? The Michael and Sarah? Are my little angels here?"
"Of course grampa!"
The old man continues, "So everyone is here in the room with me right now?"
"Yes yes, of course!"
The old man lets out a sigh, and starts shouting, "THEN WHY ARE ALL THE GODDAMN LIGHTS ON IN THE HOUSE?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gpmjp/an_old_man_is_on_his_death_bed/
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A man goes to the pharmacy to buy condoms.

The pharmacist asks: Do you need a bag?
He answers: She isn't that ugly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gpm97/a_man_goes_to_the_pharmacy_to_buy_condoms/
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In Soviet Russia, no one make comments on r/jokes

Because in Soviet Russia, real comment is always in joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gpm03/in_soviet_russia_no_one_make_comments_on_rjokes/
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Mother and Daughter Action

A man in his 20's and a few of his friend were at a bar for drinks.  A lady in her mid-late 40's sent him a drink, and introduced herself.
Never hit on by a cougar before, our guy in his 20s let her buy him a few more drinks throughout the night as he was enjoying her company.  She made it clear that she thought they should go back to her place which was just around the corner.
At first the man was reluctant, but his friends kept encouraging him to do it.  In a final attempt to lure him back, the lady offered him some mother daughter action if he would join her.
Excited, he relents and follows the lady's lead back to her house.  Once they get home, she lights some candles, puts some sensual music on and starts passionately kissing him
Looking around for the daughter and not seeing anyone, the man asks "aren't you forgetting someone?"
The lady apologizes, and walks over to the stairs and yells up "hey mom I've got one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gpl72/mother_and_daughter_action/
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Three trolls go out for a picnic one day.

Upon getting there, they realise that they forgot all the beer back home. So the youngest of the three agrees to go  back for it on one condition; that the others wouldn't start eating without him. All three agree that this is fair and he leaves.
An hour passes, then seven hours, a day and finally three days pass and the youngest troll isn't back yet. Hungry and  frustrated, the other two decide to eat some sandwiches.
As soon as they begin unpacking the sandwiches, they youngest troll jumps down from a tree above and shouts:
"Guys, if this is how it's going to be. I'm not leaving to get the fucking beer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gphu9/three_trolls_go_out_for_a_picnic_one_day/
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Come over to the Nerd side...

We have Pi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gpgxm/come_over_to_the_nerd_side/
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True story...I was getting a hair cut...

...and wanted to start a conversation with the lady cutting my hair. Maybe she likes birds, so I tried, "This morning when I opened my garage door I heard six different kinds of bird song in the first 30 seconds."
"Yeah, I guess." OK, she is not interested in birds. Maybe sports, "This weekend i am taking the family up to Toronto and we are going to watch the Toronto Bluejays play the Baltimore Orioles."
Silence. Then, "Wow, you are really into this bird thing, aren't you."
Really happened!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gpgqs/true_storyi_was_getting_a_hair_cut/
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I told my girlfriend that I went to Hell and back making that present for her.

So if she doesn't like it and wants to return it, she knows where to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gpezq/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_i_went_to_hell_and_back/
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How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just beat the room, because it's black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gpdfd/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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Why can't Kermit and Miss Piggy count to one hundred?

Because every time they get to 69, Miss Piggy gets a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gpdb5/why_cant_kermit_and_miss_piggy_count_to_one/
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In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car,  to which the owner responds:
'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.
So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'The plumber is coming in the morning'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gpal8/in_soviet_russia_a_man_goes_to_buy_a_car/
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I became an astronaut for my girlfriend but she still left me

I guess I misinterpreted her when she said she needed space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gp9oo/i_became_an_astronaut_for_my_girlfriend_but_she/
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What do you call a Catholic Missionary who is also a car enthusiast?

A Catholitic Converter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gp818/what_do_you_call_a_catholic_missionary_who_is/
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What I hate most about this sub:

-When people include the title in the first line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gp6lz/what_i_hate_most_about_this_sub/
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Someone told me that the best pokemon was the bird that holds a leek stalk

I said 'That's a little farfetch'd'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gp68i/someone_told_me_that_the_best_pokemon_was_the/
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I'm 23 years old

Truly in my prime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gp5kv/im_23_years_old/
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Best explanation of Star Wars

The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a terrorist attack which kills 300'000 people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gp46x/best_explanation_of_star_wars/
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Whats Avogadro's favorite arcade game?

Wack a mole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gp3fv/whats_avogadros_favorite_arcade_game/
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My girlfriend recently said that she needs some time and distance...

Is she trying to calculate velocity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gp2xd/my_girlfriend_recently_said_that_she_needs_some/
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Christmas Shopping

Bob and Sue were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.
Sue suddenly noticed that Bob was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Sue asked, "Bob, where are you?  You know we have lots to do."
Bob said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."
Little tears started to flow down Sue’s cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.
"Well, I'm at the Hooters next to that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gp211/christmas_shopping/
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There's one thing I've learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement.

I'm rather good at golf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gozog/theres_one_thing_ive_learned_after_my_son_got_hit/
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Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all auditioning for a film about composers...

Bruce Willis says "I'll be Mozart", Chuck Norris says "I'll be Beethoven" and Arnold Schwarzenegger says "I'll be Bach".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gozj9/bruce_willis_chuck_norris_and_arnold/
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Even though there's a picture on the hand drier,

I have yet to receive my 3 strips of bacon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5goy8u/even_though_theres_a_picture_on_the_hand_drier/
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I just heard that my ex got a job with the railroad.

At least now she'll be paid when she pulls a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5goxf8/i_just_heard_that_my_ex_got_a_job_with_the/
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Doctor Who was still hungry after dinner....

So he went back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5govky/doctor_who_was_still_hungry_after_dinner/
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What do you call a spider that's had a sex change?

A trantula.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gott4/what_do_you_call_a_spider_thats_had_a_sex_change/
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A statistician, a mathematician, and a biologist are standing outside a house.

They watch two people walk in. A couple hours later, they watch three people walk out.
The statistician considers the problem for a moment, then thinks to himself: "Oh, we must have miscounted."
The biologist, naturally, goes through a similar moment of introspection before deciding, "Ah, they must have reproduced!"
Meanwhile, the mathematician arrived at the solution almost immediately: "If one person goes back into the house, it will be completely empty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gotqy/a_statistician_a_mathematician_and_a_biologist/
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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5got39/theres_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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What's the similarity between women and KFC

Once you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you're left with a greasy box to pop your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5goryy/whats_the_similarity_between_women_and_kfc/
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A dad sends his son to his room

"Go to your room!" Dad exclaimed, frustrated at his son's behavior.
"Jim Morrison is overrated!" yelled the son as he stormed down the hall.
The dad yelled furiously, "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gorsr/a_dad_sends_his_son_to_his_room/
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Goku gets into a car accident

and has to be rushed to the E.R. He has a piece of shrapnel stuck in his arm and is in extreme pain. He gets to the front desk and yells at the nurse "Help! I'm in extreme pain! I have shrapnel in my arm!"
The nurse looks at him calmly and says, "sure, but first you have to fill out this insurance information." and she hands Goku a 5 page packet.
Goku, disgruntled by the inconvenience, takes a seat and completes the paperwork. He returns to the desk and asks the lady if he can be treated now.
"Not yet," she tells him, handing him a ten page packet of personal information he must complete.
Goku is in a lot of pain and very annoyed by this, but he decides the quicker he completes the paperwork the sooner he can be treated, so he sits down and does it. Upon completion, he returns to the desk, ready to be treated.
"Not so fast," says the nurse, handing him a twenty page packet.
At this point Goku is infuriated.
"Listen here!" Goku shouts at the nurse. "I've been in this E.R. for almost three hours now! I have shrapnel in my arm that needs to be taken out! I'm not filling out another piece of damn paperwork!"
"You fool!" Laughs the Nurse. "This isn't even my final form!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5goq3h/goku_gets_into_a_car_accident/
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Last time I went for an eye exam, the doctor said to me, "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

When I asked him why that could possibly be necessary, he said
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gokc5/last_time_i_went_for_an_eye_exam_the_doctor_said/
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A Spaniard, a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a German are walking down a street in Paris...

... when they see a mime. He calls them over and asks if they want to see him perform. The group respond with a cheerful yes and the mime begins his performance. He gets up on a box and asks the group if they can clearly see him.
The group says:
*"Yes"*
*"Oui"*
*"Si"*
*"Ja"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gois4/a_spaniard_a_frenchman_an_englishman_and_a_german/
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Who is the greatest?

A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all
BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5goiel/who_is_the_greatest/
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Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
*edit: since this joke is getting so much attention, I'd like to plug my sub, r/feghoot, where you have stories with extremely long setups that end in really bad puns*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gog41/explaining_a_joke_is_like_dissecting_a_frog/
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Making Cakes

One day a daughter hears her parents having sex in the next room.
The next day she says her to her mother "mummy what were you and daddy doing last night?"
"We were making cakes honey."
A few weeks later, the daughter said to her mum.
"Mummy were you and daddy making cakes again last night?"
"Yes honey, how did you know?"
"Because I licked the icing off the table"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gobuw/making_cakes/
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How do we know Adam & Eve weren't black?

You ever tried taking a rib from a black man?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gobat/how_do_we_know_adam_eve_werent_black/
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Put the punchline in the title.

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5go5cb/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
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TIL never give up your seat for a lady,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5go54v/til_never_give_up_your_seat_for_a_lady/
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Every Friday after work, a man heads to his local bar and gets completely drunk...

... Every week he wastes most of his paycheck on the Friday night booze, and then stumbles home to a very angry wife who is struggling to make ends meet.
One week, his wife makes a very serious threat. She says, "if you come home totally drunk one more Friday night, I'm going to divorce you."
Friday evening soon comes around, and the man decides that he'll head to the bar for a single drink after work, but will be careful not to go overboard.
One thing leads to another, and the man ends up getting completely wasted as usual. He gets so drunk that he vomits all over his shirt on the walk home. Feeling very worried, the man comes up with a plan to fool his wife. Before entering his house, he tucks a £20 note into his shirt pocket.
His wife is waiting for him as he opens the door. She takes one look at his vomit-stained shirt. "Well well," she says. "Looks like we'll be getting a divorce!"
The man pulls the £20 out of his pocket. "It wasn't me, I swear! Some other guy vomited on me. Look, he gave me £20 to get my shirt dry-cleaned."
His wife looks confused. "Why are you holding two £20 notes then?" she asks.
"Because he also shat in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5go3db/every_friday_after_work_a_man_heads_to_his_local/
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Sleeping with the Rabbi's Wife

Jeff asks his best friend for a favor, "Jim, I want to sleep with the Rabbi's wife so I need you to take him out tomorrow afternoon so I don't get caught." Jim agrees to help his friend so he calls up the Rabbi and plan to meet for lunch the next day.
So Jim and the Rabbi are eating lunch while Jim is waiting for a text from Jeff saying the coast is clear. The Rabbi picks up on the fact that Jim is just killing time and asks him why. Jim says, "I am so sorry Rabbi I can't hide this any longer. Jeff is sleeping with your wife right now." The Rabbi looks at him and says, "Jim, my wife has been dead for two years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5go2ma/sleeping_with_the_rabbis_wife/
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What did Edward Snowden say when he bumped into Barack Obama?

Pardon me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5go28g/what_did_edward_snowden_say_when_he_bumped_into/
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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Xbox?

They're both made of plastic, and little kids turn them on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gnysd/whats_the_difference_between_michael_jackson_and/
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What do Muslim men do while foreplay?

Tickle the goat under it's chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gnvsr/what_do_muslim_men_do_while_foreplay/
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It's hard to sleep with all the girls knocking on my door at night.

I eventually had to let them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gnvp2/its_hard_to_sleep_with_all_the_girls_knocking_on/
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What did the hungry computer eat?

Chips, one byte at a time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gntou/what_did_the_hungry_computer_eat/
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How do you know if a girl is ticklish?

Give her a testicle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gnr40/how_do_you_know_if_a_girl_is_ticklish/
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My ex is having a really hard time moving on

From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gnr00/my_ex_is_having_a_really_hard_time_moving_on/
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If you walk in to a room and find a man having a stroke...

...you probably should have knocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gnmop/if_you_walk_in_to_a_room_and_find_a_man_having_a/
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Why does tigger have no friends?

Because he plays with pooh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gnmha/why_does_tigger_have_no_friends/
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TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gnl1t/til_humans_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
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A man travelled forward in time and logged onto reddit.

He went to r/Jokes but couldn't understand anything because people just posted numbers everywhere and replied like it was really funny.
He asked what was the deal with all the numbers. A man replied "Many years ago, jokes were being told over and over again, being reposted, so we assigned every joke to a number and now we just post the number instead of the joke."
He thought of how high the numbers could be, so he decided to post a really high random number: 103,826,926
Immediately his post was spammed with upvotes, reaching the front page in no time.
He was very confused and asked "Which joke did I write?! What's going on? What's so funny?!" Another redditor replied "We haven't heard that one before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gnj9g/a_man_travelled_forward_in_time_and_logged_onto/
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Am I racist..?

Tom and Dave are having a conversation...
Tom-" Am I racist because I don't like watermelons?"
Dave-"No! Why would that make you racist..?"
Tom- "Well I don't like them because niggers eat them."
Dave- "Oh yeah, you are definitely a racist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gniwn/am_i_racist/
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What's a baby's favorite type of tea?

Tit-tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gni6l/whats_a_babys_favorite_type_of_tea/
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I had sex with my teacher

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gni2f/i_had_sex_with_my_teacher/
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I once dated a girl called Simile

Now I don't know what I Metaphor ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gnhuo/i_once_dated_a_girl_called_simile/
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A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce...

Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gngm2/a_hillbilly_walked_into_an_attorneys_office/
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car...

The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’
The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’
The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’
The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’
The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’
The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fuck up?
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’
The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gndwd/a_police_officer_pulls_over_a_speeding_car/
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Every time I go for a Jog I get hit by the same bike

It's a vicious cycle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gndkv/every_time_i_go_for_a_jog_i_get_hit_by_the_same/
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I can't wait to read the BuzzFeed article on "20 Things You Will Love about Stranger Things"

Eleven will blow your mind!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gndgd/i_cant_wait_to_read_the_buzzfeed_article_on_20/
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President-Elect Trump invited the Pope for lunch

on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just stayed in place.
The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."
The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed onto the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. Not even the Pope knew what to say.
But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN all knew how to cover the story. Their banner headlines read,
"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gncsc/presidentelect_trump_invited_the_pope_for_lunch/
%
"Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"

"Ask your sister!"
"I don't have a si- Oh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gn9d4/dad_how_do_you_feel_about_abortions/
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Anal Sex is a lot like your first car

You don't really want it but your step Dad gives it to you anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gn8p6/anal_sex_is_a_lot_like_your_first_car/
%
I'm not racist.

In fact, I love black people, and I think everyone should have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gn6ce/im_not_racist/
%
Whats the worlds most useless job?

installing BMW turn signals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gn3kk/whats_the_worlds_most_useless_job/
%
Light a fire for a man and he'll be warm for the evening.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gn21c/light_a_fire_for_a_man_and_hell_be_warm_for_the/
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Guardian Angel

A man was walking by a construction site when he heard a woman yell "STOP!!!" The man stopped abruptly, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in his path. He looked around but saw no trace of the woman whose voice he heard.
A day or two after that, he was driving to work. In the midst of the blazing music in the car he heard the same voice yell even louder "STOP!!!" He screeched on the brakes. A huge truck breezed past the front of his car from an intersection.
He couldn't have heard the woman's voice in his car so acknowledging a divine intervention he went to the church to seek answers.
An angel manifested from one of the frescoes.
"Who are you?" asked the man.
"I am your guardian angel, It is my duty to protect you from harm's way. Since your birth it is me who has been intervening on your behalf against all peril" the angel replied. Then seeing the dumbfounded look on his face said, "I imagine you have some questions for me."
"You bet I do," the man said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmx55/guardian_angel/
%
I got high during detention today.

The teacher made me do lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmvzp/i_got_high_during_detention_today/
%
A guy comes back from a trip...

and visit his friend's house where he left his cat.
First guy : Hey man how's the cat?
The friend : it's dead.
First guy : Fuck man you could at least be a little less blunt!
The friend : How?
First guy: I don't know maybe tell me he was playing with a ball close to the window, the ball fell down and he went after it or something! Any new about grandma?
The friend : Well your grandma was playing with a ball close to the window...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmtp3/a_guy_comes_back_from_a_trip/
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Why was e^x so lonely at the party?

Because every time he tried to integrate, he ended up with himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmt5v/why_was_ex_so_lonely_at_the_party/
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Why Do Women Love Jesus?

He was well hung and super into cross fitting!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmstp/why_do_women_love_jesus/
%
My financial adviser said I should be tight with my money.

So when I got home I high-fived my wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmsjq/my_financial_adviser_said_i_should_be_tight_with/
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What do Russians call their sexual partners?

Cumrades

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmp8o/what_do_russians_call_their_sexual_partners/
%
I have PTSD from being a plumber.

I've seen some shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmo2i/i_have_ptsd_from_being_a_plumber/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the joke is fully groan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmlr8/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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I'm on the toilet at work right now.....

I can't believe I'm getting paid for this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmlm0/im_on_the_toilet_at_work_right_now/
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Italian honeymoon

Sophia just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophia. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luigi took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophia ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophia", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luigi took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luigi took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luigi took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophia saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmkkp/italian_honeymoon/
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My high school bully still takes my lunch money...

On the plus side, he makes really good subway sandwiches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmjie/my_high_school_bully_still_takes_my_lunch_money/
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Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

A: To get to the second hand shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmihe/q_why_did_the_onehanded_man_cross_the_road/
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You know, I just love whiteboards...

They're remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmhi0/you_know_i_just_love_whiteboards/
%
This guy called me "mindless".

I didn't think much of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmgjz/this_guy_called_me_mindless/
%
I have a pet tree...

It's just like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmg7j/i_have_a_pet_tree/
%
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes.
The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmffh/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
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Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?

My name is Paul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmf2t/anton_do_you_think_im_a_bad_mother/
%
Why are negative parabolas so introverted?

They have a hard time opening up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmdgn/why_are_negative_parabolas_so_introverted/
%
And Jesus said, "Come forth and receive everlasting life."

But John came fifth and only received a toaster oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmd81/and_jesus_said_come_forth_and_receive_everlasting/
%
Having sex in an elevator..

..is wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gmawb/having_sex_in_an_elevator/
%
So I was at the bar last night..

and the waitress screamed..."Anyone know CPR?!"
I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"
Everyone laughed...except this *one* guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gm9n4/so_i_was_at_the_bar_last_night/
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Why did the chemist never say "NO" to anything?

Because the reaction could be explosive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gm9ls/why_did_the_chemist_never_say_no_to_anything/
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What do you get when you cross a bridge with a car?

You get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gm8lb/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_bridge_with_a_car/
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A man goes to the doctor's with two black eyes

The doctor asks: "Wow that looks painful, what happened to your eye?"
The man says: "Well, I was standing in church, and I noticed that the woman in front of me had a wedgie. I figured I'd be a nice guy so I pulled it out for her, then she turned around and punched me in the face!"
The doctor replies: "Well that explains the first black eye, how did you get the other one?"
The man answers: "Well I figured she must not have liked that I pulled out her wedgie, so I put it back for her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gm8cx/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors_with_two_black_eyes/
%
A handyman dies and is sent to hell

His name's José. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action.
The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so José fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil, "What's up?"
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us a handyman."
"What?" says God. "A handyman? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way José. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gm87d/a_handyman_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
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I just won $1,000,000, and I've decided to give a quarter to charity.

Now I have $999,999.75.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gm77t/i_just_won_1000000_and_ive_decided_to_give_a/
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What did the Indian kid say to his mom when he was leaving for school?

Mumbai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gm68s/what_did_the_indian_kid_say_to_his_mom_when_he/
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After getting in the White House, D.Trump gets a letter....

... from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggest Trump to ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:
Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gm5yy/after_getting_in_the_white_house_dtrump_gets_a/
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A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the stat

"I have an interesting case here" he says " a woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped".
" Have you arrested her" asks the Sergeant.
" No, not yet, the floor's still wet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gm1xu/a_police_officer_jumps_into_his_squad_car_and/
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My uncle is a toilet inspector.

He's seen some shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5glzrd/my_uncle_is_a_toilet_inspector/
%
Lotr

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.
- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5glx11/lotr/
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What's it like living with Permanent Erection Disorder?

Some days are harder than others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gluog/whats_it_like_living_with_permanent_erection/
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Whats the difference between yesterday and doing your sister?

Yesterday starts with a yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5glsyy/whats_the_difference_between_yesterday_and_doing/
%
I always tell my kids to stay in school...

but they keep fucking coming back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5glswb/i_always_tell_my_kids_to_stay_in_school/
%
What do the Titanic and Toronto Maple Leafs have in common?

They both look great until they hit the ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5glsif/what_do_the_titanic_and_toronto_maple_leafs_have/
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After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD…

or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5glnjx/after_many_years_of_studying_at_a_university_ive/
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There has only ever been one woman who asked me for sex and that was over twenty years ago...

...and I have been with her ever since.
Waiting for her to ask again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5glmzh/there_has_only_ever_been_one_woman_who_asked_me/
%
Why did the scarecrow receive an award?

...because he was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5glmus/why_did_the_scarecrow_receive_an_award/
%
I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5glk5s/ive_had_enough_of_christmas_all_year_long_i_work/
%
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said

"Sorry. My fault"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5glhcv/one_tectonic_plate_bumped_into_another_and_said/
%
I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5glg3r/i_once_thought_i_had_a_japanese_friend/
%
Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%.

I've done the maths. I am immortal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5glcq6/recent_study_shows_that_masturbating_twice_weekly/
%
How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation?

Natural selection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5glb38/how_do_they_pick_kids_for_the_makeawish_foundation/
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Twenty-four hours to live

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one more time before I die?'
She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?'
At this point the wife rolls over and says, " Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... you don't ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gl9mg/twentyfour_hours_to_live/
%
A boy asks his grandfather

Can I have a puff of your cigar?
Grandpa: does your pecker touch your butthole?
Kid: no.
Grandpa: then no not until it does.
Kid: hey Grandpa can I have a sip of your whiskey?
Grandpa: does your pecker touch your butthole?
Kid: no
Grandpa: then no not until it does.
The next day grandpa comes home and sees the kid eating cookies on the porch and says hey can I have one of those cookies?
Kid: does your pecker touch your butthole?
Grandpa: as a matter of fact it does!
Kid: then go fuck yourself because grandma made these cookies for me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gl6vt/a_boy_asks_his_grandfather/
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What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gl6tj/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
On 2016 the US had so many disasters and tragedies...

You'd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gl5uo/on_2016_the_us_had_so_many_disasters_and_tragedies/
%
If poly means many and ticks are blood sucking parasites,

then politics must mean...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gl5b2/if_poly_means_many_and_ticks_are_blood_sucking/
%
I let my blind friend borrow money

He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gl43l/i_let_my_blind_friend_borrow_money/
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A blond girl walks in to a restaurant

While she was there, she met a man who worked as a server. They both fell in love at first sight. At the end of his shift, the girl Safari and the server met up and decided to start dating. Both were passionate about their relationship. After a while, they decided to get married. To make sure that their relationship would always be great, Safari would always use a website which was able to correctly predict the future. She was starting to think that her relationship with her husband was starting to fall apart. Because of this, she decided to go back to the site she always used. After going there, she then fell to the floor and started crying. The man then came back home to see his wife in distress. Not sure what was wrong, he decided to ask her.
"Honey, why are you so sad?"
"There is a secret I've been keeping from you. I have using been a website which has been able to accurately predict our relationship. It predicted our marriage, our house, everything! But today, it told me our true feelings for each other."
Still not knowing what was going on, the man asks to see the site. Heartbroken, Safari then proceeded to take out her phone and show the man the exact words on her screen, Safari could not establish a secure connection with the server.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gl09i/a_blond_girl_walks_in_to_a_restaurant/
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Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkzz8/have_you_heard_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
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A first grade class comes in from recess.

The teacher asks Emily, "What did you do at recess?"
Emily says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie.
Next the teacher asks James what he did at recess. James says, "I played with Emily in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." James does, and gets a cookie.
The teacher then asks Tyrone what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Emily and James in the sand box, but they just threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like indisputable racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'indisputable racial discrimination,' I'll give you a cookie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkyxu/a_first_grade_class_comes_in_from_recess/
%
So a tenant barges through the door to his landlord's office. "You gotta do something! She's out there every day and it's disgusting!"

"Who is?" the startled landlord asks.
"There's this watersports hooker. She hangs around the front lobby. You gotta get rid of her!"
The landlord scratches his head. "I can guess you might think she's a hooker from her clothing, but what makes you think she's into watersports!?"
The tenant looks embarrassed. "I just know, allright?"
"But how?"
"My girlfriend told me!"
"So how does SHE know!?" begs the landlord.
The tenant sighs in irritation. "Allright, you want me to get crude and just say it? Fine! She smells pee smells by the pee whore!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkyxd/so_a_tenant_barges_through_the_door_to_his/
%
What's a pirate's favorite favorite letter?

You'd think its R but it's actually the C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkyuj/whats_a_pirates_favorite_favorite_letter/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkwzp/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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Blue Guy lives in the blue house, red guy lives in the red house, purple guy lives in the purple house, orange guy...

Lives in the White House.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkvgy/blue_guy_lives_in_the_blue_house_red_guy_lives_in/
%
We all know about the American Civil War...

But the Canadian Civil War was resolved with a handshake and an apology... making it more civil than any war ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkvau/we_all_know_about_the_american_civil_war/
%
A Panda walks into a bar..

and asks the bartender if he can get a scotch...
.....
...and coke.
The bartender replies "Sure thing, but why the big pause?"
The Panda shrugs, lifts up his hands, and says "Was born with them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkrap/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A cop stops a speeding guy...

- Do you know how fast you were going?
- I was just trying to keep up with traffic!
- There is no traffic...
- Yeah, THAT'S how far behind I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkqby/a_cop_stops_a_speeding_guy/
%
Karma is a lame name...

They should rename "Karma" to "Creddit"
They also need to rename the "Share" button to "Spreaddit"
While we are at it we might as well rename the "Delete" button to "Shreddit"
But they never will and I just don't Geddit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkpk7/karma_is_a_lame_name/
%
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkp3h/what_does_a_robot_do_at_the_end_of_a_one_night/
%
Android lets you use "Lumos" for the flashlight, "Silencio" for the notifications...

but not "Incendio". That is a Samsung exclusive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkomp/android_lets_you_use_lumos_for_the_flashlight/
%
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner...

When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now." "I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he? "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gknk9/charlie_was_visiting_an_old_friend_and_his_wife/
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The hard life of a dick…

…his hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next-door neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkn03/the_hard_life_of_a_dick/
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What's large, grey and doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkmw5/whats_large_grey_and_doesnt_matter/
%
What the definition of a will?

It's a dead giveaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkl2m/what_the_definition_of_a_will/
%
Say what you want about suicide jumpers.

I think they used all of their potential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkkxb/say_what_you_want_about_suicide_jumpers/
%
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkexv/a_biologist_a_chemist_and_a_statistician_are_out/
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My favorite sex position is the JFK

It's when I splat all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gke9v/my_favorite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
%
Why are ducks always sad?

Because of their bills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkdq7/why_are_ducks_always_sad/
%
What do gay horses eat?

Horse cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkbue/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
%
A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender confuses jokes with idioms, and offers the horse water but can't make it drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkat9/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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My dick is so big that if I laid it out on a keyboard, it would go from A to Z.

Wait, shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gkafb/my_dick_is_so_big_that_if_i_laid_it_out_on_a/
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"Suspect is an elder female with an extensive criminal background..."

"We don't have any leads, but we'll search every crook and nanny until we find her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gk9e8/suspect_is_an_elder_female_with_an_extensive/
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What do you call safe sex with a horse

Trojan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gk977/what_do_you_call_safe_sex_with_a_horse/
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"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."

"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"
"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gk71q/no_child_of_mine_is_going_out_in_a_skirt_that/
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If we replace all "Chuck Norris" jokes with Kim Jung Un....

We could write the North Korean Official Website.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gk4mo/if_we_replace_all_chuck_norris_jokes_with_kim/
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On Christmas morning, a man says to his seamstress wife "take this small metal bucket"

"as a thimble of my love"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gk4iu/on_christmas_morning_a_man_says_to_his_seamstress/
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There was a kidnapping at my school

We drew a penis on his face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gk3zl/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_my_school/
%
Did you guys hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gk3vn/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_constipated/
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The Perfect Military Life Insurance Salesman

A military life insurance salesman has a perfect record of sales. His supervisor was amazed and wanted to know his secret, so he secretly went to one of the meetings the saleman was hosting. He saw a whiteboard with a long bar and a far shorter bar drawn on it.
"This," said the salesman, pointing to the long bar, "is a $3 million bar. That's how much the government will be paying your family should you die in combat and have insurance. This", he points to the short bar, "is a $30,000 bar. That's how much the government pays to your family if you don't have insurance."
A miserable voice popped up in the back, "Who cares? We're still gonna be dead!"
The salesman smiled, "When a war starts, who do you think the government is going to send to combat? The insured soldiers or the uninsured soldiers?"
And he got 100% signups again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gk3jf/the_perfect_military_life_insurance_salesman/
%
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gk2kx/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers/
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What do you call a civil rights activists who's also a shower sponge?

Martin Loofah King

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gk0uk/what_do_you_call_a_civil_rights_activists_whos/
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What do you get when you mix a public speaker with someone who had tourettes?

A clock!
One provides the tic, the other provides the talk
Credit to my Autistic Big Bro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjxo9/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_public_speaker/
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A woman is waiting at a bus stop.

When the bus finally gets there the doors open and she tries to get on. She is extremely embarrassed when her leg cannot reach the top step. She reaches behind her and unzips her tight dress a little bit to try to give so slack. Once again she lifts her leg and tries but just can't reach the step. She unzips the dress a bit more. But he foot is still just inches away from the step. In frustration she reaches back and unzips the dress almost all the way. At this point the man behind her throbs her by the waist and hoists her up onto the step. Furiously she turns around and almost screams, "Excuse me? Who gave you permission to touch me like that?" The man calmly replies, "Well, after you reached back and unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjwmh/a_woman_is_waiting_at_a_bus_stop/
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Basement Challenge

Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever."
The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."
So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.
Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.
He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjtdr/basement_challenge/
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The new Trump Administration is re-doing the voice mail prompts at the White House...

Thank you for calling the White House.
For English, press 1.
<silence>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjonk/the_new_trump_administration_is_redoing_the_voice/
%
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjobn/why_did_the_golfer_wear_two_pairs_of_pants/
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Did you hear about the guy who got pulled over?

The cops received a warrant and were able to search his car and they opened the glove box and ended up finding sodium chloride and a nine volt...
He got charged with assault and battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjm5k/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_pulled_over/
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I found a way to make all this gender identity stuff work for me.

My right hand will now identify as female.  Now I won't have to be sad every time I masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjk3e/i_found_a_way_to_make_all_this_gender_identity/
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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening.

So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I’m so big down there when I marry Harry he’s going to divorce me.
Her mother says don’t worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he’ll never know the difference.
So she does.
They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o’clock, he’s gone but there’s a note on her pillow. It says -: “My darling Harriet. To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up. The only reason I’m not here now darling is that I’m at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we’ll have dogs and children.
When the 5 o’clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.
Your loving husband, Harry.
PS. Your cunt is in the sink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjiom/a_woman_is_very_afraid_of_the_size_of_her_opening/
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Like my Father always said, "I put my ass kicking boots on every morning"

"Then after a long day of getting my ass kicked, I come home from work and take them off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjihp/like_my_father_always_said_i_put_my_ass_kicking/
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Out in space, 2 aliens are talking to eachother...

The first alien says, *"The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."*
The second alien asks, *"Are they an emerging intelligence?"*
The first alien responds, *"Hmm...I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjf9c/out_in_space_2_aliens_are_talking_to_eachother/
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/r/Jokes is like a wedding

and the comment section is like that one guest that uses it as an opportunity to propose to his girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjf3m/rjokes_is_like_a_wedding/
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I took some roadkill I hit home to barbeque for dinner,

On a related note... anyone have any use for a child's bicycle and backback?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjdyo/i_took_some_roadkill_i_hit_home_to_barbeque_for/
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Two old men had been best friends for years...

...and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjdrf/two_old_men_had_been_best_friends_for_years/
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I did it dad.

Son comes home from school and tells his mom that he had sex with his teacher. Mom goes furious and call dad to get home. After dad gets home he goes to his sons room and checks if mom is hearing them. He says "Son I heard what you did today, I'm proud of you, I'll buy you a bike as a reward." Son replies, "No dad no bike please, my ass already hurts after today"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjct3/i_did_it_dad/
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How many electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1, it's a goddamn electrician, what'd you expect?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gjc0z/how_many_electricians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy.

The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gja2x/feeding_your_cat_a_vegan_diet_is_actually_pretty/
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Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."
First post hope you like it. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gj8wu/milk_joke/
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What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gj6jh/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_works_in_the/
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Mother Theresa looks down into hell from heaven...

She sees them getting ready for dinner. It's a feast, beef Wellington, shrimp, twice baked potatoes, wine, champagne, and a million different desserts.
Just then God came by and asked, "Are you hungry? I'm making tuna fish sandwiches if you'd like one."
MT: "Um, ok, sure."
The next day she does the same thing. Another incredible meal is being laid out. Lobster Newburg, all sorts of game, and even bananas Foster. She had always wondered what that would taste like.
God: "Hey, I'm opening another can of tuna, want a sandwich?"
MT: "I don't mean to complain, I really don't. But they are having exquisite meals down in hell, wouldn't it be nice to have something like that?"
God: "Well, I guess we could make a big meal but it would be kind of a waste since it's just the two of us up here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gj64i/mother_theresa_looks_down_into_hell_from_heaven/
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why did the chicken cross the road?

well it wanted to get away from the vegetarians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gj5l1/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gj335/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant_while/
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How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gj13x/how_much_room_is_needed_for_fungi_to_grow/
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An Ewok walks into a bar...

An Ewok strolls into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a whisky and …… soda.”
The bartender says, “Sure thing—but why the little pause?”
“Dunno,” says the Ewok. “I’ve had them all my life.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gj08p/an_ewok_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear about the man who got sick at the airport?

It was a terminal illness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5giwnf/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_got_sick_at_the/
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What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,
We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:
1. Illegal Downloading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5giw2j/what_is_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
What's the difference between Julius Caesar and Genghis Khan?

Caesar: "I came, I saw, I conquered."
Khan: "I conquered, I saw, I came."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5giv4u/whats_the_difference_between_julius_caesar_and/
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I'm going to kill myself....

or die trying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5giu95/im_going_to_kill_myself/
%
A man and a woman meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5giu0o/a_man_and_a_woman_meet_in_an_elevator/
%
A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver

The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5giths/a_little_boy_gets_on_the_public_bus_and_sits/
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Years later, Kevin McCallister murdered his older brother at a family Christmas party.

It was a total buzzkill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gisxl/years_later_kevin_mccallister_murdered_his_older/
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What do you call two gay guys who look different but sound the same?

Homophones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5giqbk/what_do_you_call_two_gay_guys_who_look_different/
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What's Jesus's favorite power tool?

A nail gun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gippw/whats_jesuss_favorite_power_tool/
%
A string walks into a bar

and orders a drink. The bartender glares at him and rudely tells him,
"Get to going strang! We don't serve your kind 'round here!"
The string gets up and leaves, but makes his way into an alley. He loops his body around and tugs his body together, and then he musses up his hair for good measure. He then walks back into the bar, sits down, and orders a drink one more.
The bartender eyes him wildly and asks,
"Say, ain't you that strang?"
The string replies,  "No sir. I'm a frayed not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5giplw/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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What is the name of Dory's family?

The Blue Tang Clan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gina8/what_is_the_name_of_dorys_family/
%
Tonight I made some synonym rolls

Just like Grammar used to make

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5giljk/tonight_i_made_some_synonym_rolls/
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A grizzly mauled a guy in an elevator...

but I couldn't bear to see it go down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gilb8/a_grizzly_mauled_a_guy_in_an_elevator/
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Self-deprecating humour is the lowest form of entertainment.

And I can't even get *that* right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gik4l/selfdeprecating_humour_is_the_lowest_form_of/
%
What do women and dog poop have in common?

The older they are the easier they are to pick up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gijx9/what_do_women_and_dog_poop_have_in_common/
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Death by fruit.

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gieil/death_by_fruit/
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Bisexual Son

Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.
Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.
Me: Yep.
Dad: Or a female partner.
Me: Yep.
Dad: And that means you're bi.
Me: Yep.
Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gidy5/bisexual_son/
%
.

Just wanted to make a point here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gickx/_/
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What does a pussy have in common with the mafia?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gic8k/what_does_a_pussy_have_in_common_with_the_mafia/
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When his brothel went out of business, what sign did the owner hang on the door?

Beat it, We're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gibg0/when_his_brothel_went_out_of_business_what_sign/
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Life is like a box of chocolates…

the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5giagn/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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You know you just can't tell Penguin jokes.

They just don't fly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gia5s/you_know_you_just_cant_tell_penguin_jokes/
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Ever since my son got his first girlfriend, I've been changing the bed sheets much more often.

Whenever I imagine him knocking her up, I shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gi45t/ever_since_my_son_got_his_first_girlfriend_ive/
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Gotye used to be popular.

Now he's just somebody that we used to know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gi3n3/gotye_used_to_be_popular/
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My curved stick only started coming back to me after a few years.

It was a late bloomerang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gi3at/my_curved_stick_only_started_coming_back_to_me/
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I get my wife the same thing every year for Christmas, a dildo and a pair of slippers

If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gi058/i_get_my_wife_the_same_thing_every_year_for/
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My Chemistry Professor told me that Hydrofluoric acid and Hydrochloric acid are the perfect buffer system.

Her accusations are baseless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghy7n/my_chemistry_professor_told_me_that_hydrofluoric/
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A pirate walks into a bar...

with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender notices him, notices the wheel, and says, "Hey, I'll serve you, but what's with the wheel?"
The pirate responds, "Arrrrgh, it's drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghwpj/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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I recently bought a Christmas tree at a shop...

The man at the cashier said to me "Are you going to put that up yourself?"
I replied to him in disgust saying "No, that is disgusting! I'm going to put it up in my living room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghvjf/i_recently_bought_a_christmas_tree_at_a_shop/
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What's a stoner's favorite body of water?

The T.H. sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghuh0/whats_a_stoners_favorite_body_of_water/
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I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I had lots of loyal friends. I had sex almost every day.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical and dental coverage. Now I've lost it all."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I just got out of prison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghs36/i_talked_to_a_homeless_man_this_morning_and_asked/
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A Buddhist is stopped by a Christian woman in the street

"Will you consider following the word of the Lord Jesus Christ?" She asks.
The Buddhist replied, "Maybe next time round,"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghrek/a_buddhist_is_stopped_by_a_christian_woman_in_the/
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I used to curcumcise elephants.

The pay wasn't very good, but the tips were huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghquf/i_used_to_curcumcise_elephants/
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A Comprehensive Guide on How to be Like Jesus

1.  Be a carpenter.
2.  Be a nice guy.
3.  ???
4.  Prophet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghosc/a_comprehensive_guide_on_how_to_be_like_jesus/
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2 fish are in a tank

One of them says "You drive, I'll shoot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghoco/2_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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Gorgeous doctor

I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before.
Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”
I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghnoh/gorgeous_doctor/
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What do the twin towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two and now it's too offensive to talk about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghn5y/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_genders_have_in_common/
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I told the doctor I want to take my amputated leg home and he asked why

"Because it's my right"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghmii/i_told_the_doctor_i_want_to_take_my_amputated_leg/
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Why shouldn't you sleep with a weatherman?

They'll promise 12 to 14 inches, but you'll only get 3 to 5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghk6h/why_shouldnt_you_sleep_with_a_weatherman/
%
My sister is moaning and screaming because she's sick.

Good thing that her boyfriend is there to comfort her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghhyr/my_sister_is_moaning_and_screaming_because_shes/
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A neutron walks into a bar...

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
k ill leave bye lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghho3/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I lost my watch at a party once...

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghdas/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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TIFU by ordering food from my phone.

So I used the Subway app to order my lunch. I was in a hurry, so no time to wait in line. I put the order together, paid for it, and made my way to pick it up.
When I told the guy my name for the order, he handed it over and thanked me for my business. I went to check the food to make sure he got my order right, and it turns out he completely read the online order wrong. Great, more waiting.
I went back to the counter to explain the problem and he replied, "oops, wrong sub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghbh3/tifu_by_ordering_food_from_my_phone/
%
What I hated about church as a kid was..

all the standing up, and sitting, and the knelling I had to do. I just wish the priest would pick a position and fuck me already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghb63/what_i_hated_about_church_as_a_kid_was/
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I find girls tend to make a lot noise in their bedroom

Perhaps they aren't expecting someone to be at their window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghb4j/i_find_girls_tend_to_make_a_lot_noise_in_their/
%
What do you call a gay couch?

A homosectional

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ghb2k/what_do_you_call_a_gay_couch/
%
What's the square root of 69?

8 something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gh5tm/whats_the_square_root_of_69/
%
A guy walks into a bar waving a handgun

and shouts "I want to know who's been fucking my wife!" One of the patrons swiveled around on his stool and drunkenly slurs, "What kind of gun is that? A Smith and Wesson 686?" The husband replies "What the fuck does that matter?!?" The drunk smiles and says, "Because a 686 only holds 6 bullets. You're gonna need to reload."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gh3x3/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_waving_a_handgun/
%
What did Billy Mays do on 12/31/1998

Partied like it's 19.99!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gh3ev/what_did_billy_mays_do_on_12311998/
%
Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says,
"I think we're doing this joke wrong".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gh3bo/two_clowns_are_eating_a_cannibal/
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Woman's vagina

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same questions, "Do you have a vagina?"
"Yes, actually I have," she says.
The man replies, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gh39k/womans_vagina/
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I think some drugs should be legalized...

but cocaine is where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggzb7/i_think_some_drugs_should_be_legalized/
%
The Giant

On a planet far far away, there lived a race of aliens called the Twids. On this planet there was a mountain, and atop the mountain was a tree which hosted the most delicious fruit known the the Twid race. But there was a problem: there was a cave near the top that was home to a giant, and every time the twids tried to climb to the top of the mountain, the giant would run out and kick them off the mountain.
The twids became tired of this, and so they contacted Earth to ask for help. Earth didn't find this to be that big of a problem as they were at war and dealing with many different things, so they sent over a rabi. The Twids were happy to have any help they could get, and so they gladly accepted.
The rabbi arrived and wanted to get straight to business, calling all of the Twids to the base of the mountain. A lot of them were too frightened, so only some showed up. The rabi led the Twids most of the way up the mountain, only to have the giant come out and kick all of the Twids off. But he left the rabbi alone. Frustrated, the rabbi went to the Twid village and told them that in order to get to the top, they would all have to show up and work together.
The next day more Twids showed up, but not all of them were there. The rabbi sighed, leading them up to have the monster once again kick off all of the Twids, but leave him standing. The rabbi went back to the Twid village and told them that if every single last Twid wasn't in attendence the following day, he would return to Earth without helping them.
The next day, every single Twid was there. The rabbi smiled and started leading the Twids up the mountain, this time quite confident that they would make it all the way up. But as usual, the giant ran out of his cave and managed to kick every single Twid off the mountain, once again leaving the rabbi standing. The rabbi went to the giant's cave and asked "Giant, why do you only ever kick the twids, but always leave me standing?" To which the giant replied "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Twids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggy8q/the_giant/
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Yo momma's so mean

she has no standard deviation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggxpv/yo_mommas_so_mean/
%
Coroner's Report

Coroner: Report complete.
Police: What was the cause of death?
Coroner: The cause of death was that I sliced him open and performed an autopsy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggvvo/coroners_report/
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An American, a Japanese Man and an Australian are stuck on an Island

When they stumble upon a genie's lamp. The American rubs it and the Genie comes flying out and says "You have awoken me from my slumber, thus I shall grant you 3 wishes."
The American says "I wish to be back home with my beautiful family in America." And he disappears in a cloud of smoke. Then the Japanese man says "I wish to be home in Japan with a new family with great wealth." And he disappears in a cloud of smoke. Finally, the Australian Man says "I'm lonely, I wish my friends were back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggvbe/an_american_a_japanese_man_and_an_australian_are/
%
Damn girl, are you John Cena?

Because i'll never see you coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gguxy/damn_girl_are_you_john_cena/
%
I met one of my beautiful Maths teacher yesterday

We greeted and she asked me directions to the State Bank of India. I told her make a 299 degrees turn and walk for 290 meters, then subtend the angle of X using Pythagoras Theorem and round it up to the nearest degree using tan ∆. From that point, draw a parabolic curve and walk 342 meters on its major axis and bisect the straight road at an obtuse angle. That's where the bank is.
Let her feel what I felt when I was in school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggui4/i_met_one_of_my_beautiful_maths_teacher_yesterday/
%
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets
as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want....... garlic chicken wif snow peas?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggtxp/a_young_chinese_couple_gets_married_shes_a_virgin/
%
A mathematician was interviewing for a job.

The interviewer asks him - "You are walking towards your office and running late for a very important meeting and you glimpse a building on fire with people screaming for help. What will you do?".
The mathematician thinks for a while and replies : "People's lives are more important than an office meeting. I would immediately call for a fire brigade and help the trapped to the best of my abilities". The interviewer seems to be impressed with the mathematician's answer and moves on to the last question. Just to check his sanity, she asks: "And what if the building is not on fire?".
After a moment of thought, the mathematician replies with confidence :
"I will set the building on fire. Now, I have reduced it to a problem that I have already solved before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggtx3/a_mathematician_was_interviewing_for_a_job/
%
A son comes home one day to see his mother...

When he sits down at the kitchen table while his mother is cooking, he calmly tells her, "Mom, I have something to tell you. I'm gay"
The mother has no reaction. She just continues cooking.
Again, the son says, "Mom, I am not sure if you heard me, but I wanted to tell you that I'm gay."
Again, the mother has no reaction, and just continues cooking.
The son says again, "Mom, I am gay. Did you hear what I told you?"
The mother stops cooking, walks to her son, and asks, "Does gay mean that you put other men's dicks in your mouth?"
The son tells her, "Yes, that is what it means."
The mother then slaps him and says, "Don't you ever complain about my cooking again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggsv6/a_son_comes_home_one_day_to_see_his_mother/
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ALL THE GAYS ON AN ISLAND

My brother hates gay people -- hates us. 'We should take all you gays and stick you on an island.' 'Well they have, Frank. We call it Manhattan.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggpa3/all_the_gays_on_an_island/
%
What is the definition of a menstrual period ?

A bloody waste of fucking time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggomf/what_is_the_definition_of_a_menstrual_period/
%
My teenage son is obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine.

But I'm sure it's just a phase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggog2/my_teenage_son_is_obsessed_with_the_difference/
%
Little Johnny calls for his mom

"MOM! MOM!"
"What is it Johnny?"
"Does Grandma know anything about car mechanics?"
"No, why?"
"She's outside, under a bus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggmt0/little_johnny_calls_for_his_mom/
%
I am truly perplexed that so many people are against mosques being built.

I think it should be the goal of every Western Society to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus mosques should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side an off-licence called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggkxx/i_am_truly_perplexed_that_so_many_people_are/
%
My blind friend and his birthday

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggjdp/my_blind_friend_and_his_birthday/
%
Why is Kevin Hart the opposite of Michael Schumacher?

His life improved after he met the rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggjc9/why_is_kevin_hart_the_opposite_of_michael/
%
A man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggi8l/a_man_goes_into_a_drugstore_to_buy_condoms/
%
What's the difference between a penis and a vagina..

Unfortunately, in my case ... only 2 inches.
:'(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gghoo/whats_the_difference_between_a_penis_and_a_vagina/
%
Father and son during checkout at Dick's Sporting Goods...

Dad:  Hang on a second, I need to use these coupons.
Son:  Are these coupons only for Dick's?
Dad:  No, they work for normal people too.
Cashier -- laughing too hysterically to continue for a bit...
(True Story)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gghg3/father_and_son_during_checkout_at_dicks_sporting/
%
A priest, a doctor and an engineer go out for a round of golf..

Within a couple holes, they've caught up to the group in front of them. These guys are missing their shots right and left and overall taking their sweet time. Finally the doctor gets fed up and calls the course management. A representative comes out to figure out what's going on, and quickly explains the situation.
"You have to understand," he says.  "We had a fire a few years back and these guys desperately tried to save our clubhouse, losing their eyes in the process.  For their efforts we gave them free golf for life."
The priest responds, "Oh my god, that's terrible. When I get home I will pray for them. Maybe God will see to giving their sight back."
The doctor chimes in, "Holy crap, how sad. I feel awful for complaining. When I get back to the office on Monday I will start researching possible cures for their eye sight."
The engineer stands their for a couple seconds, thinking to himself. Eventually he pipes up, "So... why can't they play at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggh9u/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_go_out_for_a/
%
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg?

He's alright now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggfm8/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_lost_his_left_arm/
%
What is the definition of stalking?

When two people takes a long, romantic walk on the beach, but only one of them knows about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggfi9/what_is_the_definition_of_stalking/
%
What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggfhp/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
%
Haven't seen this one in a long time... How do you make a Lannister bed?

You push two twins together to make a king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggdr7/havent_seen_this_one_in_a_long_time_how_do_you/
%
What do you call a Chinese who is always on time?

Tai Mingh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggdl3/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_who_is_always_on_time/
%
'Marley and Me' has a sequel!

It's called 'Me'...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ggah2/marley_and_me_has_a_sequel/
%
Wife was in ICU

Doctor: She is in a coma.
Husband: Please save her. She's just 30.
*Just then, ECG starts beeping. Fingers move. Her lips mumbled...
And she spoke:
I'm 29

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gg8pm/wife_was_in_icu/
%
A girl tells her Irish mom she wants to be a prostitute.

'A WHAT?' The mother shouts.
'A prostitute' replies the girl.
'OH thank god!! I thought you wanted to become Protestant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gg5cw/a_girl_tells_her_irish_mom_she_wants_to_be_a/
%
Breaking news: Mitch Hedberg dead at 48

Has been dead since 37, but is still dead, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gg4ao/breaking_news_mitch_hedberg_dead_at_48/
%
Having sex is like poker

if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gg3fg/having_sex_is_like_poker/
%
A man boarded a plane with six kids

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
“Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gg1nn/a_man_boarded_a_plane_with_six_kids/
%
I bought a spray used for destroying a particular pasta sauce.

It's a pestocide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfz8k/i_bought_a_spray_used_for_destroying_a_particular/
%
Dad joke [OC]

*My dad with a coffee at the gas station cash register:*
Cashier: any gas with that?
Dad: no thanks, I drink mine black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfxca/dad_joke_oc/
%
Buzz Aldrin was the second man to step foot on the moon.

Neil before him. Neil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfxa5/buzz_aldrin_was_the_second_man_to_step_foot_on/
%
I have a job helping a one armed man type capitals.

It's shift work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfvkp/i_have_a_job_helping_a_one_armed_man_type_capitals/
%
What did the chef say after he lost his favorite spoon?

I'm sad, but only a ladle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfuwn/what_did_the_chef_say_after_he_lost_his_favorite/
%
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfu3n/interviewer_how_much_milk_do_these_cows_give/
%
What do Donald Trump and the iPhone 7 have in common?

They both think de-porting is the answer after there's no more Job's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfpsz/what_do_donald_trump_and_the_iphone_7_have_in/
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A Saudi Arabian Oil Baron sends his son to study abroad...

To help his son in his life and studies abroad, he gives his son a good deal of money and more importantly, a Ferrari sportscar, as he though it might be a good idea to flaunt some wealth.
Despite this, a few weeks later his son calls him and laments “Dad, every time I go to lectures, I drive there with my Ferrari, but everyone else there takes the train, its really awkward as I'm the only guy with a car!”
Incensed, the Oil Baron practically yells into the phone “Son, I‘m depositing 10 million Euros into your account now, stop embarrassing your family and buy yourself a train!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gflrx/a_saudi_arabian_oil_baron_sends_his_son_to_study/
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Trump may not fulfill all of his campaign promises...

...but he sure is making Saturday Night Live great again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfl9i/trump_may_not_fulfill_all_of_his_campaign_promises/
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I quite enjoy blowing air around a room.

In fact, I'm a big fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfkpk/i_quite_enjoy_blowing_air_around_a_room/
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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*
Dad: *Clenches fist*
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: *Sweats Profusely*
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfir9/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
%
What's green and yellow and can't fly?

Brazilian soccer players.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfh7d/whats_green_and_yellow_and_cant_fly/
%
Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?

Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfh5k/why_did_the_blonde_tip_toe_near_the_medicine/
%
A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately.

To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfh1m/a_blonde_out_of_money_and_down_on_her_luck_after/
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A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773."

A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfgnw/a_science_teacher_tells_his_class_oxygen_is_a/
%
A kid asked : "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied : "It's mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that, the father dialled a random number. He said "*Hello, is Adrian here?*"
The man answered "*There is no one here called Adrian. Why don't you pay attention when dialling?*"
"*He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...*" the father said.
The father dialled the number again "*Hello, is Adrian there?*" asked the father.
"*Now look here!*" came the heated reply. "*You just called this number and I told you that there is no Adrian here! You're got a lot of nerve calling again!*" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said "*You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.*"
He re-dialled and when a violent voice roare "*Hello!*", the father calmly said "*Hello, this is Adrian. Have there been any phone calls for me?*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gff8y/a_kid_asked_dad_what_is_the_difference_between/
%
Why do men carry condoms instead of women?

Because by the time women found a condom in their purses, kid would be 3 years old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gff0a/why_do_men_carry_condoms_instead_of_women/
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How is Christmas like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfc76/how_is_christmas_like_your_job/
%
I made a Wooden Engine..

Everyone was shocked to see that it wood work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfa7l/i_made_a_wooden_engine/
%
My neighbor is Indian and every night when he comes home he punches his wife...

6:30 pm, right on the dot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gf6b8/my_neighbor_is_indian_and_every_night_when_he/
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I like my women the way I like my wine...

15 years old and locked in my cellar on a rack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gf5xq/i_like_my_women_the_way_i_like_my_wine/
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What's the difference between my kids and my favourite song on the radio?

My favourite song has more than 0BPM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gf4tb/whats_the_difference_between_my_kids_and_my/
%
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Steven Hawking after a housefire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gf45l/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_the_stairs/
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Two guys are out hunting in the middle of now where...

After climbing a particularly steep hill to get a vantage point, one man collapses. He then starts frothing from the mouth and convulsing.
Managing to get one bar of service on his mobile phone, the other man dials emergency services.
Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Man: I was walking in the woods... And then... Now I think he's dead...
Operator: Sir, I am going to need you to speak clearly and slowing. Please stay calm.
Man: I was out hunting with my friend, Dave. He has suddenly collapsed... And I don't know what to do! I think he is dead!
Operator: He's dead?
Man: I think so... He seems to be...
Operator: Okay. I need you to make sure he is dead.
Man (hesitating): Y-yeah. Okay. I'll be right back.
The man walks puts the phone down. On the other side of the call, the operator can hear the crunching of crisp Autumn leaves. Then silence. The sound of a rifle startles the operator.
Operator: Sir? Are you okay?
Man:
Operator: Sir?!
Man (picking up phone) : Okay... What next?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gf3qr/two_guys_are_out_hunting_in_the_middle_of_now/
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You can tell if your gold chain is fake...

...by leaving the room and listening to see if it talks crap about you to other jewelry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5geyk6/you_can_tell_if_your_gold_chain_is_fake/
%
Why did the blind lady fall into a well?

She didn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5geybo/why_did_the_blind_lady_fall_into_a_well/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gexq6/why_does_snoop_dogg_carry_an_umbrella/
%
ART GALLERY NUDES

A couple at an art gallery see a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the huband keeps looking.
She asks, "What are you waiting for?"
He replies, "Autumn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gex0l/art_gallery_nudes/
%
My friend is so rich

He thought Manual labor was a Spanish musician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gevt7/my_friend_is_so_rich/
%
I had five tins of Alphabet soup for dinner last night.

This morning, I had a massive vowel movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gevqt/i_had_five_tins_of_alphabet_soup_for_dinner_last/
%
Miss Piggy

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69, there's a frog in her throat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5geuy5/miss_piggy/
%
A man goes to prison for the first time

A young man goes to prison for the first time, upon arriving in his cell, his cellmate, a towering monster of a human being says to him: "There is one rule in this cell, you can play the mamma or you can play the daddy. Since this is your first day, I will let you pick." The young man says:  "Ok, I will be the daddy." The towering monster then says: "Alright, now come over here and give mamma some head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5geufe/a_man_goes_to_prison_for_the_first_time/
%
69

I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5geslr/69/
%
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gepou/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
I saw some guy stealing a gate last night...

I thought not to shout at him cuz he might take a fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5geo6m/i_saw_some_guy_stealing_a_gate_last_night/
%
I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"

..."Well I'm your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gelq8/i_went_for_a_job_interview_today_and_the_manager/
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Hey girl are you legs broken?

Make up the other half of this pickup line in the comments.
Edit
Totally goofed it up in the title. Oh well, I had a few drinks last night and things happened.
*Are your legs broken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5geh3n/hey_girl_are_you_legs_broken/
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Two border collies are going to sleep on their farm.

Suddenly there is a loud noise from the sheep area.
Tom the border collie jumps up asking, "Did you hear that from the sheep, Boomer?"
Boomer the Collie: "Of course I herd them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gegwt/two_border_collies_are_going_to_sleep_on_their/
%
Apparently O.J. Simpson is getting remarried

He decided to take another stab at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gegje/apparently_oj_simpson_is_getting_remarried/
%
A blonde gets on a flight to Dallas, TX...

A blonde gets on a flight to Dallas, TX, and even though she bought coach tickets, she sits in first class. One of the stewardesses notices her switch seats and asks to see her ticket, "Miss, you bought a coach ticket, and this is first class, i'm going to need you to go back to your seat" the woman outright refuses saying "I'm blonde and gorgeous, I'll sit wherever I please!" after a few minutes of arguing the stewardess goes up to the cockpit and tells the pilot "There's some blonde bimbo refusing to switch seats as she's in the wrong section" the pilot says "I'll handle this, I married a blonde" the pilot goes up to the woman, whispers in her ear and seemingly satisfied, the woman gets up and goes to her original seat. Floored, the stewardess asks how he got her to move, the pilot says "I told her first class wasn't going to Dallas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gedy4/a_blonde_gets_on_a_flight_to_dallas_tx/
%
Little Red Riding Hood walks through the forest.

She sees a wolf hunched under a tree with its ears erect and its mouth stretched in a big grimace.
She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!"
The wolf keeps grimacing.
She says, "My, what big eyes you have!"
The wolf grimaces even wider, baring his teeth.
She says, "My, what big teeth you have!"
The wolf finally snaps and says, "Fuck off! I'm trying to take a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gedki/little_red_riding_hood_walks_through_the_forest/
%
A man applies for a job at the local police.

The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! But there's just one more test. Take this gun and shoot eight black people and a cat."
The man replies, "Why the cat?"
The officer says, "Great attitude, you're hired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ge4ih/a_man_applies_for_a_job_at_the_local_police/
%
Why did Cinderella get kicked off for the soccer team?

She kept running from the ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ge3ov/why_did_cinderella_get_kicked_off_for_the_soccer/
%
A Jew walks into a bar

Mitzvah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ge0ql/a_jew_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Hey girl, are you a fire alarm?

'Cause you get triggered from the smallest of things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdy9o/hey_girl_are_you_a_fire_alarm/
%
Watching too much porn gave me unrealistic expectations of sex

I really thought it would happen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdy3e/watching_too_much_porn_gave_me_unrealistic/
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How do you ask a priest to hand you the spaghetti?

Pasta pasta, pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdwui/how_do_you_ask_a_priest_to_hand_you_the_spaghetti/
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An Idiot and a Genius are talking in a bar...

The genius says to idiot:
"I have a game. We take turns giving each other questions. If I give you a question and you cannot answer it, you give me $5. But if you give me a question and I cannot answer it, I give you $5000".
The idiot replies:
"Uhh, Ok."
The genius says to the idiot:
"What is the 5th planet in our solar system?"
The idiot says:
"Uhhh... I don't know"
And hands the genius $5.
The idiot says:
"What animal stands on 2 legs but sleeps on 3?"
The genius says:
"Arrrr... You got me!"
And hands the idiot $5000 dollars in cash.
The genius continues:
"What was the answer?"
The idiot hands him $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdue7/an_idiot_and_a_genius_are_talking_in_a_bar/
%
What is a caterpillar scared of?

A dogapillar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gducw/what_is_a_caterpillar_scared_of/
%
Step 1: Walk on water. Step 2: Turn water into wine.

Step 3: Prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdsc1/step_1_walk_on_water_step_2_turn_water_into_wine/
%
What do you call two crows together?

Attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdrns/what_do_you_call_two_crows_together/
%
Just started my Vegan diet.

They're a bit chewy, but better than kale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdqzw/just_started_my_vegan_diet/
%
I can't believe that they only taught us abstinence during sex ed!

It's inconceivable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdqo4/i_cant_believe_that_they_only_taught_us/
%
What do my toaster and I have in common?

We both like to be in the same bathtub at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdqjn/what_do_my_toaster_and_i_have_in_common/
%
Everytime i get undressed in the bathroom...

My shower gets turned on!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdpf7/everytime_i_get_undressed_in_the_bathroom/
%
My epileptic son loves our new Christmas tree.

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdo5a/my_epileptic_son_loves_our_new_christmas_tree/
%
Who was the first underwater spy?

James Pond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdm88/who_was_the_first_underwater_spy/
%
___________________________________

With all the bad jokes going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdljw/_/
%
If you say a number loud enough its value increases.

* 5 = 5
* 5! = 120

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdhhc/if_you_say_a_number_loud_enough_its_value/
%
It is said that Roman Emperor Caligula made his horse a senator.

Nothing was ever passed, he always voted neigh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdfiw/it_is_said_that_roman_emperor_caligula_made_his/
%
The police came to my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes

My dogs don't even have bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdfhs/the_police_came_to_my_door_and_told_me_that_my/
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Calculus pick up line

F'- Can I be your derivative so I can lie tangent to your curves?
F''- Can I be your second derivative so I can test out your concavities?
F'''- Can I be your third derivative so I can jerk to you?
F''''- Can I be your fourth derivative so I can snap your neck?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdevx/calculus_pick_up_line/
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Gas stations should be ashamed for selling a poisonous product that we over-consume and that pollutes the Earth...

Seriously, Slim Jims are terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gddgy/gas_stations_should_be_ashamed_for_selling_a/
%
What do you call a semi-professional proctologist?

Someone doing a half-assed job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdb7z/what_do_you_call_a_semiprofessional_proctologist/
%
Why was Peter Pan a bad boxer?

His punches Neverland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gdapu/why_was_peter_pan_a_bad_boxer/
%
Did you guys hear about the Trump winery?

It's only whites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gd8p1/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_trump_winery/
%
Accidentally broke my Irish friend’s Pixar movie...

He wasn’t amused, but he did say, “You cracked me Up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gd71r/accidentally_broke_my_irish_friends_pixar_movie/
%
My girlfriend left me when I refused to go the gym with her.

It's a shame our relationship didn't work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gd64j/my_girlfriend_left_me_when_i_refused_to_go_the/
%
Hey girl are you from Tennessee?

Because you look like your parents are related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gd4ni/hey_girl_are_you_from_tennessee/
%
Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.
"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.
"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.
Lizard climbed up the tree to sit with Koala while they enjoyed a jungle doob and discussed the happenings of the community. After a few minutes, Lizard was having a hard time continuing conversation.
"Bro, my mouth is dry and my tongue feels like sandpaper! For some reason I can barely talk!" Lizard mumbles, with his lips stuck to his teeth.
"Holy shit bro, don't worry. It is called cotton mouth and it is just from the weed," Koala said with bloodshot eyes, "Look at how fucked up you are, you look like one of those funny faced Spongebob memes."
Lizard began to panic as existential questions and paranoia started to set in.
"Don't lose it bro!" Koala stoneously giggled, as he pointed down the path. "You need to take a quick refreshing walk to the stream and get some water, little buddy!"
Lizard agreed and carefully climbed down the tree and embarked upon the journey.  As he continued down the path he began to see the forest in a whole new light, he was in tune with things on a deeper level.  He could feel every twig and leaf crunch beneath his feet, he could see beautiful vivid patterns emerge in the leaves of the trees as the wind danced through the branches, and he could hear and comprehend all of the sounds of the life in the forest as if it were a song made just for him.
He finally made his way to the stream and sank his mouth into the flowing water. It was the most fulfilling taste he had ever experienced, as if he could feel every cell in his body being hydrated with every swallow.
Then all of a sudden...
Alligator emerged from the water directly in front of Lizard, which frightened Lizard immensely!
"Alligator! My friend! Can you see what I am seeing right now? Can you feel what I am feeling?" Lizard shouted with a huge smile on his face, and a grin so big you could feel it through his squinted eyes as well.
"Damn dude, you're Lit af! You holding?" Alligator said with intrigue.
"No brother, but I did just get done reefing with Koala.  He is down the path, up in the big tree by the bluff," Lizard said. "I'm sure he could get you some."
Alligator aggressively thanked Lizard, and immediately began to mash down the trail to find Koala.  He found the tree and saw Koala  passed out, asleep, with the joint in his hand still smoldering.
"Hey, Koala!" Alligator shouted.
Koala was startled awake, confused, and almost fell from the tree.  After a quick moment surveying where he was, he looked down to where the shouting came from.
"Holy Shit Lizard, HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gd2ee/lizard_is_walking_through_the_forest/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea.

He said he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gd266/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_to_live/
%
About 4,000 years ago:

God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gd1ud/about_4000_years_ago/
%
A Jew walks into a bar

He sits down and sees an Asian man. He walks over to the Asian man and punches him in the nose.
Asian Man: what the hell was that for?
Jew: that's for Pearl Harbor
Asian Man: I'm Chinese the Japanese did Pearl Harbor!
Jew: Chinese, Japanese what's the difference.
So the Jew sits back down. 20 minutes later the Chinese man gets up, walks over to the Jew and punches him in the mouth.
Jew: What the fuck was that for?
Chinese Man: that's for the titanic
Jew: the Jews didn't sink the titanic that was an iceberg
Chinese man: iceberg, Greenberg what's the difference?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gd0wk/a_jew_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An Investigator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gd0ue/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_wearing_a_vest/
%
What is the difference between a paycheck and a cock?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gd0js/what_is_the_difference_between_a_paycheck_and_a/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate the headphone jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gcz5l/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
Did you hear about the whistle-blower who couldn't make it home for Christmas?

He was Snowden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gcx1n/did_you_hear_about_the_whistleblower_who_couldnt/
%
Repost: 9/10 doctors recommend water over soda

1/10 doctors live in flint Michigan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gcwnx/repost_910_doctors_recommend_water_over_soda/
%
There is a man parking...

There is a man parking, he has a very important job meeting but he can't find anywhere to park.
He looks to the sky and says:
"God, if you give me a place to park I promise you I'll go to church every Sunday, I'll be a better husband, I'll never say a lie, and most important I won't cheat to my wife with my SECRETARY again!!"
In seconds, miraculously he noticed a space free.   Inmmediatly, he looks to the sky and says:
"Don't worry my lord, I just have found a place to park, thanks anyways".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gcqqa/there_is_a_man_parking/
%
What do you get when you cross The Atlantic with The Titanic?

About halfway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gcptr/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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A Priest and a Deacon

A Priest realized that less and less people were showing up to church every day. He goes to the Deacon and asks "How can I get more people to come to church?"
"Well", says the Deacon, "people like food. Maybe if you offer free food at mass, more people will show up."
So the Priest sets up a giant buffet, filled with pizza, fries, a soda fountain, and even a chocolate waterfall.
The next Sunday, the Priest is disappointed to find that only 20 more people showed up to church. The Priest again goes to the Deacon.
"I still need to get more people to come to church", says the Priest. "What else do people like?"
The Deacon says, "People like beautiful women. Maybe if you hire some models to greet people at the door, we will have a larger crowd".
Despite knowing that lust is a sin, the Priest still decides to go out and hire models to stand by the door to greet the churchgoers.
The next Sunday, the Priest is still disappointed to find only 30 more people showed up to mass. Frustrated, he returns to the Deacon.
"You and I need to find a way to get at least 100 more people to come to Sunday mass," says the Priest. "What will get the greatest amount of people to show up?"
"Well," says the Deacon, "People love money. Maybe if we offer free money, we will get the largest crowd of any church"
So the Priest and the Deacon place bathtubs full of money all around the church, and go out to the local city to advertise their church, even bringing a bathtub full of $100 bills with them. They painted "Come to our mass" on the side, so that everyone would be able to see. Soon, the bathtub full of money gained the attention of everyone nearby, and people were flocking to get free money.
However, it also gained the attention of a local police officer.
And that was the day a Priest and a Deacon were arrested for mass tub baiting in public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gcp83/a_priest_and_a_deacon/
%
Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do.

Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf ... but he didn't listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gcoxj/never_let_anyone_tell_you_what_you_can_and_cant_do/
%
Sex with 3 people is called a threesome.

Sex with 2 people is called a twosome.
That explains why they call you handsome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gckvk/sex_with_3_people_is_called_a_threesome/
%
Why did the artist go to jail?

He was sketchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gcjwv/why_did_the_artist_go_to_jail/
%
Harry prays to God:

Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery. The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord! The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery! Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gcipb/harry_prays_to_god/
%
A man and his wife were driving down a country road...

A man and his wife were driving down  a country road.
They had previously been fighting with each other so they weren't talking at all.
They continued driving until they passed a field full of cows when the wife said, "Family of yours?"
"Yes" replied the husband, "In-laws."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gch2k/a_man_and_his_wife_were_driving_down_a_country/
%
Had a rabbit that would come by every morning. I'd leave a bit of food for him. But he stopped coming one day.

Now he's just some bunny that I used to know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gcdki/had_a_rabbit_that_would_come_by_every_morning_id/
%
A man is helping his daughter with a history paper

, when suddenly she asks: "Hey dad, can you tell me about 2016?"
Father: "Oh honey, are you sure you want to write about that?"
Daughter: "Yes! Nobody seems to want to write about it for some reason."
Father: "Well, if you insist..."
The father moves into the kitchen with his daughter in toe, opens the liqueur cabinets, and chugs vodka for 5 seconds straight. He then sits down with his daughter and begins, tears streaming down his face:
"Alright so it started with this fucking Gorilla down in Cincinnati.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gcbtr/a_man_is_helping_his_daughter_with_a_history_paper/
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Wife's photo

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door.
He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married.
The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them.
The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gcae3/wifes_photo/
%
You know what the hardest part about rollerblading is?

Telling your parents that you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gcadp/you_know_what_the_hardest_part_about/
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Erection difficulties

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I’ve started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is. She bought me some Viagra, and I got her a treadmill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gc9z4/erection_difficulties/
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What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

A jeweler sells watches and a jailer watches cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gc9cu/whats_the_difference_between_a_jeweler_and_a/
%
I saw a kid pretending to be a dinosaur by himself today...

He looks lonely so I decided to go and join him. After a while, his mother came by and told me off.
Turns out he had Cerebral Palsy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gc8pg/i_saw_a_kid_pretending_to_be_a_dinosaur_by/
%
Sex therapy

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda. “Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked. “Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said. “But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?” “Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gc86a/sex_therapy/
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A Short Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were gone, heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had finished the cider and the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the liquor bottle, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa stomped to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it? And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gc7lv/a_short_christmas_story/
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What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gc5e3/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gbz09/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
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I wish I was getting a divorce.

Because it would mean someone once loved me enough to marry me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gbqer/i_wish_i_was_getting_a_divorce/
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"How my husband and I terrified a cab driver"

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gbov5/how_my_husband_and_i_terrified_a_cab_driver/
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Letter to God

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.
The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gbhyc/letter_to_god/
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Did you know you can tell whether an ant is male or female easily?

Just drop it into water, if it sinks it's a girl ant. But if it floats it's a buoyant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gbh33/did_you_know_you_can_tell_whether_an_ant_is_male/
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Hey girl, are you a fire alarm?

Cause you're fucking annoying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gbc3p/hey_girl_are_you_a_fire_alarm/
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My professor accused me of plagiarism

His words, not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gbbvj/my_professor_accused_me_of_plagiarism/
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Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts to the second...

"How do i get to the other side of the river"
The second man shouts back :
"You are on the other side of the river."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gba53/two_men_are_on_opposite_sides_of_a_river_the/
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I went out drinking last night and took a bus home

That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gb9oy/i_went_out_drinking_last_night_and_took_a_bus_home/
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Joe was getting married for the fourth time. Jim asked him 'What happened to your first three wives? 'They all died' he replied

Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms, too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gb9ey/joe_was_getting_married_for_the_fourth_time_jim/
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Biker walks into a bar...

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gb96d/biker_walks_into_a_bar/
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The magician and the parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gb7va/the_magician_and_the_parrot/
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Why was the doctor forced to leave work early?

The hospital ran all out of patience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gb7u8/why_was_the_doctor_forced_to_leave_work_early/
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I wish my laundry was more like my ex.

And someone else would just do it while I'm not home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gb6ui/i_wish_my_laundry_was_more_like_my_ex/
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A guy is having a beer with his wife says:

You are my dream, my angel, my love. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.
The wife says 'is that you talking or is it the beer'?
Husband says: It's me talking to the beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gb2ie/a_guy_is_having_a_beer_with_his_wife_says/
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Two Engineers Run into Each Other

One of them is riding a shiny new bike.
Engineer 1: "Where'd you get that bike?"
Engineer 2: "Well, yesterday a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike, took off all her clothes, and said I could have anything I wanted.
So, I took the bike."
Engineer 1: "That was smart... the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gb21a/two_engineers_run_into_each_other/
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While playing in the backyard, little Johnny kills a honeybee.

His father sees him killing it and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps it dead.
Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gb1p2/while_playing_in_the_backyard_little_johnny_kills/
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Made a pizza today with Indian bread

It was like Naan other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gb1n4/made_a_pizza_today_with_indian_bread/
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A son comes home and tells his father "I finally had sex!"

The dad smiles, gives his son a high five and cracks oben two beers. Then he says: "Nice son. Come on, take this beer, sit down and tell me everything."
The son: "Beer is cool, but I can't sit for a while."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gazk5/a_son_comes_home_and_tells_his_father_i_finally/
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"Mickey Mouse, it says here that you want to divorce Minnie because she was... extremely silly?"

"No, I said she was fucking Goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gays0/mickey_mouse_it_says_here_that_you_want_to/
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If a fish died in the ocean...

...does it become a marine corpse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gaxu6/if_a_fish_died_in_the_ocean/
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Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gavxo/getting_married_in_heaven/
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A blond walked went to the doctors office....

A blond walked went to the doctors office complaining that it hurt everywhere she touched
The doctor asked her to show him where it hurt. The blond pointed to her leg and said "ouch!!"
"Anywhere else?" The doctor asked.
The blond pointed to her arm and once again screamed in pain.
The doctor looked at the blonde and said, "ma'am, your finger is broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gauem/a_blond_walked_went_to_the_doctors_office/
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With great power comes

Greater difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5garwi/with_great_power_comes/
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One day in Biology Class...

The teacher was teaching a lesson on human reproductive organs. As a fun fact, she told the class that there was sugar present in semen.
One girl raised her hand and asked, "Then why does semen taste salty?"
Realising what she had said, her face turned bright red. She put her head down in embarrassment.
The teacher then replied, "That's because you taste sweet on the tip of your tongue, not the part that's in the back of your throat."
The girl signed out of school and stayed home for the rest of the day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gaqmb/one_day_in_biology_class/
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gantl/whats_brown_and_sticky/
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First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gan85/firstyear_students_at_the_purdue_vet_school_were/
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I went to the doctor found out my new doctor is a young female , and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm
a professional.
I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's
wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said, "I think my penis tastes funny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gamy9/i_went_to_the_doctor_found_out_my_new_doctor_is_a/
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3 men walk into a The Guinness Book of world records HQ.

the first man claims he has the worlds smallest arm.
the second man claims he has the worlds smallest foot.
the third man claims he has the worlds smallest penis.
after being tested? by the Guinness Book of Records, the first man said "wow, i really have the worlds smallest arm!"
the second man said "wow, i really have the world smallest foot!
the third man storms out and says: "WHO THE FUCK IS JUSTIN BIEBER!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gamke/3_men_walk_into_a_the_guinness_book_of_world/
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What do Waitresses and Chemists have in common?

They both need to check the table periodically...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gam75/what_do_waitresses_and_chemists_have_in_common/
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For $1,500,000, a hot young movie producer buys himself a brand-new 2011 Ferrari GTS.

It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin.
At the first light, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari. They go for about a million and a half."
The old guy is shocked: "That's a lot of moolah. Why do they cost so much?"
The cool young dude says proudly, "Because these babies can do 320 miles an hour!"
The gent on the Moped asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," responds the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window, and peers around.
Leaning back on his Moped, the old guy says, "That's a pretty nice car!"
Just then, the red light turns green, so the young producer decides to floor it. Within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear-view mirror, which seems to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it might be, and whoooooosh! Something whips by him, at an incredible velocity.
The young guy is nonplussed: "What on earth could be faster than my car?!" Then, ahead of him, he sees the same dot, coming back. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction. It almost looks like the old man on the Moped.
"Couldn't be," mumbles the producer to himself. "How could a Moped outrun my Ferrari?!" Again, the blasted dot appears in his mirror. Whoooooosh! Ka-boooom! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young guy jumps out, and it IS the old fellow!
Of course, the Moped and its driver are hurtin' bad, so the Hollywood producer kneels down by him and says, "You're seriously injured - is there anything I can do for you?"
The old guy moans, "Yes... unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5galxu/for_1500000_a_hot_young_movie_producer_buys/
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The Annual Office Christmas Party

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she assured him in her most scornful one. “You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the chairman of the company to his face.”
“He’s an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!”
“You did. All over his thousand dollar suit, ” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”
“Well, ∫cuk him,” said John.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gaj0a/the_annual_office_christmas_party/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gai4o/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gaeuj/there_is_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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Paramedics

When one medic just isn't enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gadae/paramedics/
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What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gac5m/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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New science shows that diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gaboc/new_science_shows_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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Sean's been to the pub drinking stout all evening.

He's very drunk and it's late.
The barkeep announces "Last Call!"  Sean protests and the barkeep tells him, "Sean, it's time ya drink up a get yeself home."
Sean hoist his drink and drains it and commences to get up from the bar stool.
Thud! He lands arms and legs akimbo on the floor.  He struggles to rise but unable to do so he resigns himself to crawling out and literally drags his drunk ass out the door.
He reaches the street corner and attempts to pull himself up on the pole.
Thud!  Again he lands arms and legs akimbo on the sidewalk.  He struggles to rise but unable to do so he resigns himself to crawling across the street. This continues for several blocks Seans attempting to rise and falling to the street with a loud Thud.  Fortunately he lives reasonably close to the pub and 45 minutes later he's dragging his ass up the walk to his front door.
Exhausted now and still drunk he finally reaches the door to his home. He struggles to pull himself up to get the key in the lock.
Thud! He lands arms and legs akimbo on the ground.  He struggles to rise but unable to do so he somehow manages to get his door unlocked.  Fearing the worst if his wife awakens and finds him in this condition he crawls as quietly as he can manage to the couch, covers himself with an old wool blanket and immediately passes out.
He's rudely awakened at 9 am by his wife leaning into his face screaming
"Sean, ya drunkin' sot, ye were fluther'd an piss'd agin les night!"
He rubs his red eyes and says,
"How do ye know wot I was doin' gowl? To which she replies, McDuff at th' pub called this marnin'."
"He said ya left yer fockin' wheelchair there again ya manky gimp!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5gaa8l/seans_been_to_the_pub_drinking_stout_all_evening/
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A father tucks his 3 year old daughter to bed...

He tells her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ga8on/a_father_tucks_his_3_year_old_daughter_to_bed/
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What did the doctor say to the injured gingerbread man?

Why don't you try icing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ga83x/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_injured/
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman

before marriage and after marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ga7jb/there_are_two_times_when_a_man_doesnt_understand/
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How many Karma whores does it take to screw on a lightbulb?

When this reaches 500 upvotes I'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ga3fa/how_many_karma_whores_does_it_take_to_screw_on_a/
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Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ga2qy/hey_girl_are_you_the_sat/
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My grandpa may be having trouble with his memory, but he still has a great sense of humor. He just told me this one: Why was the broom late for work?

Because 7,8,9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ga1re/my_grandpa_may_be_having_trouble_with_his_memory/
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What's the tallest building?

A library, because it has so many stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ga04m/whats_the_tallest_building/
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Why is "Dick" short for Richard

Genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9w8l/why_is_dick_short_for_richard/
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So I went to the club last night and asked a German girl for her number...

and you'll never believe it! Her number is 999-999-9999!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9w4n/so_i_went_to_the_club_last_night_and_asked_a/
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A husbands last request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with brown hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9tqc/a_husbands_last_request/
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Why is the sea salty?

Because the land never waves back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9rlp/why_is_the_sea_salty/
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A woman's asshole is like a 9-volt battery.

You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're going to put your tongue on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9pml/a_womans_asshole_is_like_a_9volt_battery/
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A ginger, a brunette and a blonde in Hell

Just kidding, how could a ginger go to hell without a soul?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9pit/a_ginger_a_brunette_and_a_blonde_in_hell/
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What do hitler and a boston marathon runner have in common

The inability to finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9ozw/what_do_hitler_and_a_boston_marathon_runner_have/
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A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9n80/a_captain_and_his_crew/
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Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9juq/arguing_with_a_woman_is_like_reading_a_software/
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A minister, priest, and a rabbi....

Are all playing golf for money... They decide that they should give some money to their respective churches, but are unsure as to how to do it.
The priest gets an idea....walks over to the ball drop area, stands inside the circle and says, "I'm going to throw my money into the air. Whatever lands INSIDE this circle, I'll give to my church."
The minister, then goes over, stands inside the circle and says, "Ok. When i throw my money into the air, whatever lands OUTSIDE the circle is what I'll give away".
The rabbi then goes over to the circle, gets his money out, and says, "I'm going to throw my money in the air, and whatever God wants, He'll keep!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9j69/a_minister_priest_and_a_rabbi/
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Looking back 2016 was a very eventful year.

But I guarantee 2017 will trump it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9h8u/looking_back_2016_was_a_very_eventful_year/
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Which president was least guilty?

Lincoln, because he is in a cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9cgy/which_president_was_least_guilty/
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My wife thought I was crazy when I suggested a car made out of spaghetti

You should've seen her face when I was driving pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9bwk/my_wife_thought_i_was_crazy_when_i_suggested_a/
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Fill out job applications in crayon...

...and if you don’t get hired, just blame it on your color.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9bqt/fill_out_job_applications_in_crayon/
%
A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers.

May they never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g99lc/a_toast_to_wives_girlfriends_and_lovers/
%
My girlfriend said a small penis was okay.

But I still wish she didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g99j1/my_girlfriend_said_a_small_penis_was_okay/
%
What is the first rule of Woman`s fight club?

Never tell anyone what are you so mad about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g986b/what_is_the_first_rule_of_womans_fight_club/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber?

He had locomotives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g97fn/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_bomber/
%
What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common?

They both have ornamental balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g977b/what_does_a_christmas_tree_and_a_monk_have_in/
%
Your brain has 2 parts!

The left part where nothing is right and
Right part where nothing is left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g95pw/your_brain_has_2_parts/
%
I just poured my root beer into a square cup.

Now all I have is beer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g9489/i_just_poured_my_root_beer_into_a_square_cup/
%
Hillary Clinton and Bernie sanders are having dinner together!

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders were having dinner when Hillary said to Bernie "Let me get you a knife"
Bernie said "I'll just use this one you put in my back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g944r/hillary_clinton_and_bernie_sanders_are_having/
%
She asked me for breakfast in bed...

I said "maybe you should swallow next time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g93pv/she_asked_me_for_breakfast_in_bed/
%
I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for £25

I think it's too deer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g938q/ive_just_been_offered_8_legs_of_venison_for_25/
%
How many white teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb

...none they would rather sit in the dark
(im white teenage and mean no harm in this joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g91uf/how_many_white_teenagers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Trump and a Mexican Fisherman.

Trump  and a Mexican man are out fishing when suddenly Trump reels in a golden fish.
The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."
The fish turns to Trump and says "Since you are the one who reeled me in, you get to go first."
"Alright," says Trump, "I wish that all of the Mexicans in America were gone."
"It is done."
"Now, I want a massive concrete wall surrounding all of America so that they cannot get back in."
"It is done."
"Finally, I wish that all Americans from around the world returned to their glorious homeland ."
"It is done." And with that, Trump disappeared.
The fish turns to the Mexican and says "Now for your wishes."
The Mexican asks "Are all of the Americans in America?"
"Yes."
"Only Americans?"
"Yes."
"And there is a large wall surrounding all of America ?"
"Yes."
"Then I wish for you to fill it with water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8wot/trump_and_a_mexican_fisherman/
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How many male chauvinist does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, the wife can cook fine in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8wfj/how_many_male_chauvinist_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I was so poor growing up...

For my 12th birthday, I got half a cake with 6 candles next to a mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8tqx/i_was_so_poor_growing_up/
%
Why do few black people have a PhD?

They have trouble getting past their masters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8tg9/why_do_few_black_people_have_a_phd/
%
What's the best time to eat clocks?

8 a' clock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8t4p/whats_the_best_time_to_eat_clocks/
%
I told my chef wife that if she were to leave me...

please leave me one of your incredible cupcakes.
She replied..."I won't dessert you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8rxk/i_told_my_chef_wife_that_if_she_were_to_leave_me/
%
I've decided to run a marathon for charity.

I didn't want to do it at first but apparently it's for blind and disabled kids so I think I've got a good chance of winning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8qq3/ive_decided_to_run_a_marathon_for_charity/
%
I was going to make a dubai joke

But all the good ones are overused, emirate?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8pwz/i_was_going_to_make_a_dubai_joke/
%
A pirate walks into a bar

and has a ship's wheel sticking out his crotch.
'Does that not hurt?' asks the bartender.
To which the pirate replies: 'Yaarr, it's driving me nuts!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8ni6/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Dark humor is like food in North Korea

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8mey/dark_humor_is_like_food_in_north_korea/
%
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8lcp/why_dont_you_ever_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
Superman can save the world

but Clark Kent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8j84/superman_can_save_the_world/
%
Female and male department store

**WOMEN...**
A department store opened in New York City that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.
At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.
The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
You cannot visit a floor more than once other than to leave the building.
The woman visits the first floor.
The sign reads:
· Men with jobs.
She moves on to the second floor:
· Men with jobs that adore children.
She moves on the the third floor where the sign reads:
· Wealthy men that adore children and are very handsome.
She thinks to herself, "that's a very good deal" yet moves on to the fourth floor:
· Wealthy men that adore children, are very handsome and help with the household chores.
She decides to move on as things are constantly improving:
· Wealthy men that adore children, are very handsome, help with the household chores and are very romantic.
The woman is about to make her purchase but can't resist moving on to the sixth floor.
There the sign reads:
· You are visitor number 31,456,012 on this floor.
· There are no men here.
· This floor exists as proof that it is impossible to please women.
**& MEN…**
Opposite this department store, another department store opened that sold women. The sign on the first floor reads:
· Women that love sex.
On the second floor the sign reads:
· Women that love sex and are wealthy.
On the third floor the sign reads:
· Women that love sex, are wealthy and have large breasts.
Not a single man has visited the fourth floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8igb/female_and_male_department_store/
%
I'm a racist

I think the human race is the best one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8hpq/im_a_racist/
%
I like my humor like i like my coffee

Dark, bitter but satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8h7y/i_like_my_humor_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
I'm scared of french pancakes

They give me the crepes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8fwr/im_scared_of_french_pancakes/
%
The furniture store keeps calling me to come back.

But all I wanted was that one night stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8d6e/the_furniture_store_keeps_calling_me_to_come_back/
%
What goes ha, ha, ha, clunk?

A man laughing his head off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g85pn/what_goes_ha_ha_ha_clunk/
%
A lawyer was confused and hassled with mathematics of a case...

... So he asked his secretary:
"If I give you USD 3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything Sir! Dress, Underwear, Everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g848a/a_lawyer_was_confused_and_hassled_with/
%
What's the difference between Donald Trump and an orange?

One is wrinkly, sour, and orange.  The other gets picked by Mexicans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g8230/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_an/
%
Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g80rg/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
I just finished deadlifting 1000 pounds off the ground.

For you Americans, that's 1275 dollars. It's my most expensive lift to date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g80lm/i_just_finished_deadlifting_1000_pounds_off_the/
%
So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7ypm/so_i_just_turned_21_and_there_is_still_no_change/
%
A man eats at a local restaurant abroad.

He sees a delicious-looking meal being served next table. Puzzled, he asks the waiter, "What are they having? It smells great even from here!"
"That's our specialty here, Sir. It's the bull's balls from the bull fight this morning," the waiter replies.
The man, wanting to make out of his vacation by trying out exotic cuisines, says, "I'd get that as well. Thanks."
"I'm very sorry, Sir. But the bull fight happens only once a day. If you'd like, since you're a tourist, I'd ask our owner to save tomorrow's meal for you."
The man comes back the next day and true enough, he gets to eat the specialty. The waiter asks him, "What can you say about the meal, Sir?"
"If I can, I'd come back everyday to eat this! I even posted a photo of it on Instagram and my friends are very envious of my food. I just have one question, why do the balls seem a lot smaller than yesterday's?"
The waiter proudly announces, "Oh, on some days, Sir, the bull wins the fight and the man loses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7vuo/a_man_eats_at_a_local_restaurant_abroad/
%
Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan?

Because of the Taliban
(say it out loud)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7u8m/why_is_it_so_hard_to_keep_track_of_counting_in/
%
Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?

He couldn't handle his boos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7sre/why_did_the_alcoholic_quit_his_acting_career_when/
%
# 343 So a guy was late for work...

So a guy showed up late for work, panting heavily. His boss asked him why he came in late. The man replied:
"Well, I had a date and it ran a little late. I tried to catch the bus but missed it. I called a taxi, but then the taxi broke down. So then I rented a horse. Then, the stupid horse died in the middle of the road. I then ran the rest of the way to work and that's why I'm late".
The boss looked at the man and told him "I'll let it slide this time, but don't be late again".
So 8 hours later it's time for the next shift to come in. Every single person comes in late, all panting heavily. The boss is furious and asks why they all came in late. They explained "Well, we all had dates, and they ran a little late. We tried to catch the bus but missed it. We all took taxis, but they broke down before they could bring us here. We then rented horses but they died before they could finish the trip which is why we had to walk to work and that's why we are all late".
The boss doesn't believe them but lets them off with it just because he let the first guy get away with it.
Now once it's time for the guy on the next shift to come in, he shows up late. His boss is furious. He says "Let me guess, you had a date that ran late?"
The man replies: "No. There were so many broken down taxis and dead horses in the road that it took forever to get here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7oov/343_so_a_guy_was_late_for_work/
%
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

I just can't put it down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7oj4/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
%
One day a man

drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"
"Well," said the farmer, "that pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig, and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."
"That's amazing!" said the man, but why does the pig only have three legs?"
"Well, there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."
"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs."
"And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up a tree, but I was too far away to hear his cries for help. The pig ran to me and led me to where he was."
"Well, that is a miracle, but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" the man said quite annoyed at this point.
"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special... you have to eat 'em real slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7n9k/one_day_a_man/
%
At some point I really want to manage a Wal-mart in Texas.

I want to be a Texas Chain Store Manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7mxy/at_some_point_i_really_want_to_manage_a_walmart/
%
I am not a "Grammar Nazi"...

I prefer the term "Alt-Write".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7mn4/i_am_not_a_grammar_nazi/
%
Opening a new restaurant, focusing on gourmet noodles and spaghetti. We're also going to offer free delivery.

We're calling it Send Noods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7m7u/opening_a_new_restaurant_focusing_on_gourmet/
%
A 90-year-old couple were having problems with their memory

so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. They explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were in good health, however, the best thing to do was to start writing things down and make notes to help them to remember things.
Later that night while watching television, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied "To the kitchen to make a sandwich."
She asked "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied "Sure honey."
She then asked him, "Don't you think that you should write it down on a note so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some chocolate syrup on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
Now irritated, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that."
He then goes down stairs to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen with his sandwich and a tray and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and yelled angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7lod/a_90yearold_couple_were_having_problems_with/
%
A boy comes home from school and gives his mother his report card.

"Why is this wet?" she asks. "Because it's below C level."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7kct/a_boy_comes_home_from_school_and_gives_his_mother/
%
🤷‍♀️

"One mans trash is another mans treasure" apparently is not a good way to let your son/daughter know they were adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7jde/_/
%
A farmer goes to the market to buy a Rooster...

He walks around the tables and see many fine roosters, but all above his budget. He finally see a man with a single cock at his booth. The price tag on the cage says "25$". The farmer asks the man why the rooster is 25 when he looks fine. The man tells the farmer, "This here rooster is Henry and he is the horniest rooster you'll ever see. He'll service your hens real well! I just got to get rid of him." The farmer buys Henry and takes him home.
When the farmer gets Henry home he lets him out of the cage, but before he lets him run off he looks to Henry and says, "Go on, I need you to service the gens! Get after it!" Henry wastes no time. He runs over to the hen house and in a rush of feathers and dust gets down to it. When he finishes with all the hens, he moves on to the pigs. Then on to the sheep. The old farmer shakes his head and calls out, "Henry, slow down! You'll kill yourself doing that!" Henry pays no attention to the farmer and continues his spree, going from sheep to horse, from horse to cow, and even taking a try at the dog.
The farmer walked out later that afternoon to see Henry laying out in the yard. His tongue hung from his beak and vultures circled over head. The farmer walked over to Henry and leaned in and said, "Oh Henry, I warned ya. I knew you would hurt yourself." Henry opened one of his eyes and whispered to the farmer, "Shhh! The vultures are getting closer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7hy1/a_farmer_goes_to_the_market_to_buy_a_rooster/
%
I introduced my girlfriend to my family the other day.

My wife was so mad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7ge9/i_introduced_my_girlfriend_to_my_family_the_other/
%
You have to compliment boobs like a Christmas tree

If they're real, tell them they look fake. If they're fake, tell them they look real

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7g6z/you_have_to_compliment_boobs_like_a_christmas_tree/
%
Its a wonder how stadiums get so hot

When they're filled with fans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7g16/its_a_wonder_how_stadiums_get_so_hot/
%
Donald Trump is said to have lack of foreign policy experience to be president, but in fairness, he has spent time meeting with foreign leaders around the world.

Ms. Sweden, Ms. Argentina...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g7azp/donald_trump_is_said_to_have_lack_of_foreign/
%
Yes, I’ve lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g72rp/yes_ive_lost_to_my_computer_at_chess/
%
A pianist is currently on trial.

He was accused of fingering A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g71qf/a_pianist_is_currently_on_trial/
%
Legos Are Like Boobs

They're meant for the kids, but the dad ends up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g702l/legos_are_like_boobs/
%
"I'm 29 years old today..."

"I'm 29 years old today," said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday.
Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone...
"Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday," says the man on the line.
"Birthday? You're a day late. He just told us yesterday he turned 29."
"No," says Carl. "He *was* 29 yesterday. *Today* he's 30."
(based on a true story)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g6yde/im_29_years_old_today/
%
How do you get an LSU football player to stop masturbating?

Paint his penis crimson and white, and he'll never beat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g6xbs/how_do_you_get_an_lsu_football_player_to_stop/
%
Did Santa bring that to you

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says,
"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g6sx0/did_santa_bring_that_to_you/
%
Mommy and daddy

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g6r9z/mommy_and_daddy/
%
Did you hear why the Quartz is divorcing her husband?

She says he took her for Granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g6ppt/did_you_hear_why_the_quartz_is_divorcing_her/
%
I just got back from a bulimic disco

The place was heaving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g6of7/i_just_got_back_from_a_bulimic_disco/
%
What goes on forever with no head?

A loveless marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g6muz/what_goes_on_forever_with_no_head/
%
A husband and wife are watching a movie

The film is about a widower struggling to raise children alone.
The wife turns to here husband and says, "If I die, I want you to remarry, so the kids will have a mother."
He says, "Yeah, I guess that would be best."
She gets mad at his lack of loyalty. "Just like that, huh? You'd just replace me."
"You brought it up. It was your idea. Besides, you're right, it would be better for the kids."
"Not a moment's hesitation. You'd just bring someone home to sleep in our bed."
"What's wrong with our bed? You're getting mad over nothing."
"Nothing? You'd give her my car to drive, wouldn't you?"
"Honey, you're being silly. You're not going to die, and even if you did, God forbid, what difference would it make what happens to your car?"
"I bet you'd even let her use my golf clubs."
"Oh, no. She's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g6icu/a_husband_and_wife_are_watching_a_movie/
%
I saw a homeless man and gave him $1.00.

I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g6egz/i_saw_a_homeless_man_and_gave_him_100/
%
I used to be addicted to soap...

i am clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g6dog/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
Why can't a muslim have SexEd and Driver'sEd on the same day?

Their camels need a break at some point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g6cqm/why_cant_a_muslim_have_sexed_and_driversed_on_the/
%
The difference between Christian wives and Jewish wives?

Christian wives have fake jewelry and real orgasms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g6c9q/the_difference_between_christian_wives_and_jewish/
%
How many Chinese men does it take to make a Smartphone?

I dunno, ask the Kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g6asx/how_many_chinese_men_does_it_take_to_make_a/
%
How do we know that Adam and Eve weren't black?

You can't take a rib from a black man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g66rf/how_do_we_know_that_adam_and_eve_werent_black/
%
What's E.T. short for?

Cus he's got little legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g655g/whats_et_short_for/
%
WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
CUSTOMER: "Ah ha!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g651a/waiter_yes_is_there_something_wrong/
%
The mods removed the previous joke that summited about my penis.

It was improperly tagged as long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5w6k/the_mods_removed_the_previous_joke_that_summited/
%
FOX new has saved my legs!

I got into a terridle car crash and and lost the use of my legs. When I was in the hospital, FOX news came on the TV. I got up to change the channel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5ueq/fox_new_has_saved_my_legs/
%
What's the difference between a comedian and a Republican?

One benefits from laughs and the other laughs at benefits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5q3y/whats_the_difference_between_a_comedian_and_a/
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I keep trying to think of the unit for frequency...

It hertz my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5pnc/i_keep_trying_to_think_of_the_unit_for_frequency/
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Grandma flies to a wedding...

Unfortunately the airline loses her luggage, including her dentures.
When she arrives her granddaughter's fiancé says: "Not to worry, my uncle Steve has a briefcase full of dentures"
Grandma has her doubts but sure enough Steve shows up in a nice three piece suit, and a briefcase full of dentures.
The first ones she tried were too loose, and the second were too wide. Finally, the third pair fit perfectly.
Grandma says "Thank you so much, you must be a very successful dentist!"
Steve looks confused and replies, "You're very welcome, but I'm a mortician."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5p7o/grandma_flies_to_a_wedding/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Without some other guy's dick in em

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5nkr/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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I quit my button-pushing job today...

It was too depressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5me6/i_quit_my_buttonpushing_job_today/
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What do you give a man who has everything?

Antibiotics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5kgs/what_do_you_give_a_man_who_has_everything/
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My favourite sexual move is the JFK

I splatter all over her face while she screams and tries to get out of the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5kaa/my_favourite_sexual_move_is_the_jfk/
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An Irish Joke

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5gr1/an_irish_joke/
%
A small hare walks into Mr. Bear's Forest Grocery Store...

"Hey, Bear," he says, "Got any rotten carrots?"
"No, Hare," the bear responds. "I only have sweet fresh carrots. Do you want some?"
The hare shakes his head and walks out. The next mornings he walks in again.
"Hey, Bear, got any rotten carrots?"
"No," the bear says, "I've already told you, I only carry fresh carrots here."
This repeats the next day, and another. Eventually, on Thursday evening, the annoyed bear brings in a crate of rotten carrots to his store, and on Friday morning the hare comes back.
"Hey, Bear," he asks, "Got any rotten carrots?"
"Yes," the bear responds. "Here they are on the shelf, a crate full of rotten stinking carrots."
The hare smiles, pulls out an ID and says: "FDA, Mr. Bear. Food inspection."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5enq/a_small_hare_walks_into_mr_bears_forest_grocery/
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Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5dg2/studies_suggest_when_it_comes_to_dealing_with/
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A farmer buys a cock and brings him back to his farm

...then releases him with the rest of his animals. The cock looks around, and notices that there are hundreds of hens, but only one other cock, who looked old and weak.
"This will be easy", thinks the cock to himself and walks straight to the other one.
"Listen here", the young cock said, "I am now the boss of this place and all these hen are mine. You're too old to do anything anyway."
"Fair enough", the old cock said, "but you will have to race me to the gate for it. If you win, all the hen are yours."
"This should be easy", the young cock thinks to himself.
"I have just one condition. Since I am old I would like a three second head start."
The young cock looks at the distance to the gate, realizes that he will still win without much trouble and agrees. The race begins, the old cock starts running and three seconds later the young one rushes right after him.
Naturally the young cock is catching up to the old one immediately and not even half way to the gate he is right behind him.
All of a sudden there is a loud *bang*, and the young cocks falls dead to the ground. On the porch stands the farmer with his rifle.
"God damnit those motherfuckers at the market! This is the 3rd gay cock they sold me this year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5d7h/a_farmer_buys_a_cock_and_brings_him_back_to_his/
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I don't like to go to funerals

I'm just not a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5d00/i_dont_like_to_go_to_funerals/
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My wife died last week

It's ironic because her zodiac symbol was cancer. She was killed by a giant crab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5ca6/my_wife_died_last_week/
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Difference between me and hitler

At least Hitler knew when to kill himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5bxd/difference_between_me_and_hitler/
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Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie...

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's FUCKING GOOFY! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5bwq/mickey_mouse_is_having_a_nasty_divorce_with_minnie/
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Praise My Husbands Scrotum

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord."
"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed."
"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain."
"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."
"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful wife, the word is 'sternum'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5bvx/praise_my_husbands_scrotum/
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Life is like toilet paper…

… you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5bvu/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
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Why is the toilet paper in North Korea so rough?

So that every last asshole is red!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g592h/why_is_the_toilet_paper_in_north_korea_so_rough/
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I can't believe my back is killing me.

My spine has some nerve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g57w3/i_cant_believe_my_back_is_killing_me/
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Paul Walker took up Zen Buddism not long before his death. . .

He became one with a tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g561r/paul_walker_took_up_zen_buddism_not_long_before/
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What are ducks addicted to?

Quack cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g54hw/what_are_ducks_addicted_to/
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Abdul, the Indian wife beater, punches his wife every night at 7PM.

On the dot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g54g6/abdul_the_indian_wife_beater_punches_his_wife/
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Doctor Am I pregnant?

A lady goes to a doctor to find out if she is pregnant
Doc: Hmm, Looks like your Preganant...
Girl: Am I?
Doc: No it just looks like you are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g53va/doctor_am_i_pregnant/
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I tried to sign up to a website yesterday. I put in the password 'beefstew'

But it said the password wasn't stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g53qw/i_tried_to_sign_up_to_a_website_yesterday_i_put/
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Women shouldn't have children after 40

Because really, 40 children is enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g513e/women_shouldnt_have_children_after_40/
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The elderly Italian man...

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g5045/the_elderly_italian_man/
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Why do French tanks come equipped with rearview mirrors?

So they can see the battle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g4zwi/why_do_french_tanks_come_equipped_with_rearview/
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[NSFW] where's the best place to have sex?

In an Apple orchard, you always get to cum in cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g4w2j/nsfw_wheres_the_best_place_to_have_sex/
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Dark humor is like a child with terminal cancer

It never gets old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g4uz0/dark_humor_is_like_a_child_with_terminal_cancer/
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What do you get when you combine someone from Colorado and someone from Idaho?

A Baked Potato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g4t3a/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_someone_from/
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How much olive oil does Snoop Dogg use to cook?

A drizzle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g4rtb/how_much_olive_oil_does_snoop_dogg_use_to_cook/
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Hippies.

Had the pleasure to meet a couple of hippies today, and they hooted at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term was 'conjoined twins'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g4pog/hippies/
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Reports of terrible flooding in Pakistan

Authorities fear it was the work of a suicide plumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g4nut/reports_of_terrible_flooding_in_pakistan/
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I was at the confessional booth the other day and I asked the priest if he thought it would be a good idea to stop masturbating

He said "Sure, If it bothers you, I'll stop".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g4nts/i_was_at_the_confessional_booth_the_other_day_and/
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The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g4nqn/the_lesbians_next_door_asked_me_what_i_would_like/
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A dyslexic walks into a bank...

Withdraws a reasonable amount of money, coming home and also realizing that another dyslexic man going into a bank made it on the front page of /r/jokes and is thoroughly confused because dyslexics can speak fine and often aren't seen as criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g4ldn/a_dyslexic_walks_into_a_bank/
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I was gonna go on a double date the other day...

But in the end I couldn't find three other people to go with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g4ekt/i_was_gonna_go_on_a_double_date_the_other_day/
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An American, an Indian, and a Russian...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian are sent to Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong there. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield."
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.
Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some sort of advanced Yoga position and goes into deep meditation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go.
The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all these jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time." The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?"
The Russian: "The Indian, of course."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g4e5o/an_american_an_indian_and_a_russian/
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A man gets a call from his mistress while he's at work

The mistress tells him, "come over tonight, and bring that thing I like"
That night he gets to his mistress' house, and they get right into it. Eventually she takes him to the bedroom, and crawls on the bed on her hands and knees. "Now do me like I like it". He climbs on the bed & puts it in her butt. Shortly thereafter, she says, "Now, spank me like I like it." The man says, "shit," realizing he forgot the one thing she asked him to bring. "Sorry babe, I'm up a crack without a paddle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g4dw5/a_man_gets_a_call_from_his_mistress_while_hes_at/
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Mister Bear and Mister Rabbit were running...

...through the forest.
They ran into a fairy and she gave each of them three wishes, taking turns doing one at a time.
Mr Bear bursts forward "I'll go first."
"I wish I was the most eligible bachelor in the whole forest."
The fairy makes it so.
Mr Rabbit asked for "a crash test helmet."
The fairy shrugged and gave it to him.
Then Mr Bear said "I wish I was the only male bear in the forest."
The fairy makes it so.
Then Mr Rabbit asks for "a really fast motorcycle" and gets it.
Finally Mr Bears says "I want to be the only male bear in the world."
And she makes it so.
Then Mr Rabbit says quickly "I wish Mr Bear was gay" and drives off on his motorcycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g495b/mister_bear_and_mister_rabbit_were_running/
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Where do fashionable kids with cancer like to shop for clothes?

Never 21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g45ts/where_do_fashionable_kids_with_cancer_like_to/
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As the navy seals burst into osama bin ladens room in his pakistani compound, his last dying words forever wrung in the ears of the seals...

"It was just a prank bro"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g45tp/as_the_navy_seals_burst_into_osama_bin_ladens/
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A bear walks into a bar

A bear walks into a beef and bourbon bar and orders a beer.
The bartender tells him "We don't serve beer to bears in beef and bourbon bars"
The bear is pissed and shouts "Give me a fucking beer!"
The bartender replies "We don't serve beer to bears in beef and bourbon bars who berate bartenders"
The bear is enraged! He swings his big paw around and knocks a customer flying. "Give me a fucking beer!"
The bartender goes "We don't serve beer to bears in beef and bourbon bars who berate bartenders and bludgeon bystanders"
The bear can't take it anymore, sinks his teeth into the bar, tears a chunk out and eats it and screams "Give me a fucking beer!"
The bartender calmly replies once more "We don't serve beer to bears in beef and bourbon bars who berate bartenders, bludgeon bystanders and take drugs."
The beer looks surprised and goes "I don't do drugs"
The barman goes "What about that bar bit u ate?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g4145/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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Paddy and Mick see a sign

Walking down the road in Ireland, Paddy and Mick see a sign see a sign saying "Tree Fellers Wanted".
Paddy sighs and says, "It's a shame Ryan wasn't with us, we could have gone for that job!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g40iv/paddy_and_mick_see_a_sign/
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So, the Muslim word for sin is haram...

... does that mean a Muslim's sinful girlfriend would be called a... Haram bae?
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3z8b/so_the_muslim_word_for_sin_is_haram/
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Cheating wife

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said.
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? "
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3xhh/cheating_wife/
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[Old joke alert] Why are dwarfs so depressed?

Because six out of seven dwarfs aren't happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3wro/old_joke_alert_why_are_dwarfs_so_depressed/
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Mr. and Mrs. Problem

had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3wap/mr_and_mrs_problem/
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Putin & Medvedev go to a restaurant for dinner

Waiter comes over & asks them what they'd like to have.
"I'll have the steak."
"Excellent choice Sir. What about the vegetable?"
"He too will have a steak."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3v0j/putin_medvedev_go_to_a_restaurant_for_dinner/
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I didn't ask for this gift

One evening a man is strolling home from work, its late evening and the stars are out. He spots a shooting star a makes a wish:
"I wish I had super powers!"
The next morning he feels different, powerful even. He heads into his kitchen and feels something drawing his attention, he can't ignore it. Its the grapes. He stares at the bunch of grapes in his fruit bowl and feels power rushing through him. He raises a hand and summons the grapes towards him, and they obey! The man is baffled by his new fruity powers but is pleased nonetheless.
Over the next few weeks his powers grow and grow, until not only can he move grapes but also communicate with them and mould them into different shapes.
One day he's feeling a bit lonely, and the grapes suggest using his power to mould them into a friend for him. He can't see why not, and as a single man he decides to create a grape girlfriend for himself. She's beautiful, they get along fantastically and they quickly fall in love.
Time passes and nature takes its course (somehow) and soon the man and his grape wife have a little son, also made of grapes. But not long after she gives birth, the grape wife grows tired of her boring family life and leaves to explore the world, abandoning her husband and son.
And so the man is left to look after his infant grape son and ponders how his life got to this point.
He concludes that with Grape powers comes Grape responsibilities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3tk3/i_didnt_ask_for_this_gift/
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A group of engineering teachers get on a plane...

After everyone settle to their seats, the captain starts speaking:
"Hello everyone, this is the captain speaking. I want you to all know that this plane was built by your students!".
After hearing this, all the teachers started running off the plane and refused to fly, except one. The last teacher staying comfortable in his seat was asked why was he so calm, to which he replies:
"I have full confidence in my students, if they really built this plane, then I'm sure the captain won't even manage to start it up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3rax/a_group_of_engineering_teachers_get_on_a_plane/
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What do boobs and Christmas trees have in common?

When you see really nice ones, you have to ask if they are real or fake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3qxs/what_do_boobs_and_christmas_trees_have_in_common/
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Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's very time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3qua/have_you_ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
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“Mommy, could you please make me a sandwich?”

“Don’t call me “mommy” just because I slept with your father!”
“So what am I supposed to call you?”
“Just call me Steve, like everybody else.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3ofl/mommy_could_you_please_make_me_a_sandwich/
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years.

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3nuc/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_20_years/
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I'm Google

AMA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3mj9/im_google/
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What Star Wars character is most likely to get cancer?

Leukemia Skywalker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3m1q/what_star_wars_character_is_most_likely_to_get/
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There once was a family of 5 from China.

Their names were Hu, Fu, Bu, Su and Chu. They wanted to move to the USA so they had to americanize their names. Hu became Huck, Bu became Buck, and Chu became Chuck. Fu and Su stayed in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3l9s/there_once_was_a_family_of_5_from_china/
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I always borrow money from pessimists.

They never expect it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3l7a/i_always_borrow_money_from_pessimists/
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What's the difference between a belly dancer and an incompetent pastry chef?

One shakes body parts and the other bakes shoddy tarts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3jwn/whats_the_difference_between_a_belly_dancer_and/
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What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabidoooo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3jg6/what_is_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
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Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3h9l/apparently_if_your_girlfriend_or_wife_ever_says/
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A guy asked me what I was doing in the wardrobe.

I told him, 'Narnia Business'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3gy5/a_guy_asked_me_what_i_was_doing_in_the_wardrobe/
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Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement

In the end you ignore it all, wait for the end and click "I agree"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3ge9/arguing_with_a_woman_is_like_reading_a_software/
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A man begins to chat up a girl at a bar.

She is uninterested and in an attempt to get rid of him she says,
"I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth!"
The man replies,
"If that were the case, who would be there to stop me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3g51/a_man_begins_to_chat_up_a_girl_at_a_bar/
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When you're about to judge someone or say something bad about someone, consider walking a mile in their shoes first.

That way, when you do judge them or say something bad about them, you're already a mile ahead of them...
...And you have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3g23/when_youre_about_to_judge_someone_or_say/
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#1939 One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world...

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world.
On the way there, he tells his driver, that looks a bit like him, "I'm sick of all these conferences, I always say the same things over and over!"
The drivers agrees, "You're right, as your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein "Lets switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein, goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond.
So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.
The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eyes and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3ea4/1939_one_day_einstein_has_to_give_a_conference_to/
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A truck driver would keep himself entertained by running over lawyers.

Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road. "I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him.
At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road.
Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors.
When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer." The priest replied, "That's OK, I got the bitch with the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3c2f/a_truck_driver_would_keep_himself_entertained_by/
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"I definitely have the biggest penis in this room," I announced drunkenly at the party.

Slightly ruined my son's 13th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g3bux/i_definitely_have_the_biggest_penis_in_this_room/
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What did Santa Claus say when Mrs. Claus asked him for the weather?

It's rain, dear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g39ed/what_did_santa_claus_say_when_mrs_claus_asked_him/
%
What is large, grey, and comes in pints?

An elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g37cq/what_is_large_grey_and_comes_in_pints/
%
A dad is having sex with mom doggy style...

Mom: "I want a girl, I want a girl, I want a girl".
Dad: "I will give you a girl, I will give you a girl".
Son is watching through the door.
Listening.
Then runs in the bedroom, jumps on the bed, gets in the doggy position.
And says: "I want a bike and colored pencils".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g36yy/a_dad_is_having_sex_with_mom_doggy_style/
%
How do Jews fight?

With JewJitsu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g35m1/how_do_jews_fight/
%
What I learned from this subs

The best joke always in the comments section

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g352l/what_i_learned_from_this_subs/
%
What does a ghost drink?

Boo's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g33wb/what_does_a_ghost_drink/
%
What do you call a musical wreath made from $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g33sq/what_do_you_call_a_musical_wreath_made_from_100/
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What's the difference between the G-Spot and Jack Daniels?

I'll actually look for the Jack Daniels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g33ol/whats_the_difference_between_the_gspot_and_jack/
%
How are women like casinos?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g338i/how_are_women_like_casinos/
%
Why did the Mexicans ignore the "No Trespassing" sign?

It was just the two of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g31t5/why_did_the_mexicans_ignore_the_no_trespassing/
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The inventor of the Big Mac died the other day....

His family ordered the most lavish coffin they could find in the brochure, but were extremely disappointed when it turned out to be nothing like the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g30tu/the_inventor_of_the_big_mac_died_the_other_day/
%
They say that 5 in 3 people are bad at fractions.

Don't even get me started on the other half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2z4v/they_say_that_5_in_3_people_are_bad_at_fractions/
%
I am so good in bed....

I can stay there all day long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2y9o/i_am_so_good_in_bed/
%
what do you call a patronizing criminal walking down stairs

a condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2uly/what_do_you_call_a_patronizing_criminal_walking/
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I just walked past White Hart Lane and found 3 Spurs season tickets nailed to a wall.

I thought of having them.
Nails always come in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2ti8/i_just_walked_past_white_hart_lane_and_found_3/
%
Christmas Holiday

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2t06/christmas_holiday/
%
A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...

Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.
Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.
Man : By eating chocolate?
Boy : No. By minding his own business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2s9a/a_boy_was_sitting_in_a_bus_eating_chocolate_the/
%
Chewbacca has started a website that gives out all of the Empire's secrets...

Wookieeleaks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2s86/chewbacca_has_started_a_website_that_gives_out/
%
Why did the soviet plane crash?

It was stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2p9y/why_did_the_soviet_plane_crash/
%
People say that using your pet name as password is very bad idea...

but my bcQr#1f!e is just so adorable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2oc0/people_say_that_using_your_pet_name_as_password/
%
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport

.
"Thank you, honey", she says.
"What would you like me to bring back for you?"
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asks.
"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2nm6/a_woman_has_to_go_to_italy_for_a_conference_so/
%
NSFW What do jesus and girls have in common?

The expression on their faces when they got nailed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2l9q/nsfw_what_do_jesus_and_girls_have_in_common/
%
What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common?

There used to be two, and now it's a really touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2ja2/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_gender_have_in_common/
%
My friend who drowned just had his funeral the other day...

We put a lifejacket on his coffin.
It's what he would have wanted...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2hqr/my_friend_who_drowned_just_had_his_funeral_the/
%
I wanna give a shoutout to the sidewalks

For keeping people off the streets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2gsx/i_wanna_give_a_shoutout_to_the_sidewalks/
%
A blowfly goes into a bar and asks...

Is that stool taken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2fq6/a_blowfly_goes_into_a_bar_and_asks/
%
At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up

IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2ced/at_work_i_noticed_the_computer_department_have/
%
Two back desk orchestral players go fishing

And one falls out of the boat.
He screams: "help, I don't know how to swim!"
His partner replies: "just fake it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2aza/two_back_desk_orchestral_players_go_fishing/
%
Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "that's not even close"
me: "yeah, but it was fast"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2ay4/interviewer_i_heard_you_were_extremely_quick_at/
%
Can February march?

No, But April May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g2902/can_february_march/
%
‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ generally mean the same thing

Except at Funerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g28oz/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_generally_mean_the_same/
%
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g271b/what_do_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
%
A father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers

which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g23l6/a_father_put_his_3year_old_daughter_to_bed_told/
%
What do you call a cranky grandfather?

A grumpa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g22k9/what_do_you_call_a_cranky_grandfather/
%
Whats blue and slippery?

A blue slipper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1znz/whats_blue_and_slippery/
%
[Long] A couple go to a bar during karaoke night...

and they hear a man sing to most beautiful cover of Stairway to Heaven they had ever heard. Since they were planning their wedding at this time, they approach the man after his performance.
"Wow, that was an amazing cover! Would you like to come perform at the reception of our wedding?" they ask him.
"I would love to! As a matter of fact, I'm a justice too, so I could even wed you two in the same day!" he replied.
So it was settled, and the man showed up to their wedding, and wed the two together. Everything was going just perfect until the reception... Ever song the man sang was just horrendous, he was off key in every verse, and at some points even forgot the lyrics. The moral of the story is, never book a judge by his cover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1zn7/long_a_couple_go_to_a_bar_during_karaoke_night/
%
A Chinese man goes to see an eye doctor (Racist)

After the examination, the doctor says "You have a cataract."
The Chinese guy replies, "No, I have a Rincoln Continentar."
Courtesy of Junior in the Sopranos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1ytf/a_chinese_man_goes_to_see_an_eye_doctor_racist/
%
Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it?

Because it was stationary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1xlm/why_didnt_the_piece_of_paper_move_out_of_the_way/
%
Kids first day at school!

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, September 15th, 2008'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1vsm/kids_first_day_at_school/
%
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went...

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1ub7/i_stayed_up_all_night_to_see_where_the_sun_went/
%
No one ever talks about Peter Pans brother.

Peter Pots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1t9b/no_one_ever_talks_about_peter_pans_brother/
%
If JFK could see the state of this country...

It would blow his mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1qx9/if_jfk_could_see_the_state_of_this_country/
%
Why are dolphins all friends with each other?

They just click you know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1lsy/why_are_dolphins_all_friends_with_each_other/
%
Thank you for telling the definition of "many" to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1l85/thank_you_for_telling_the_definition_of_many_to_me/
%
Women are like spaghetti.

They're straight until wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1itv/women_are_like_spaghetti/
%
NSFW Rule of thumb in the bedroom

If she clenches, take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1ilu/nsfw_rule_of_thumb_in_the_bedroom/
%
What do you call four Mexicans in quick sand?

Cuatro cinco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1h95/what_do_you_call_four_mexicans_in_quick_sand/
%
What do you get when you mix Hitler with a dolphin?

Adolfphin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1fe0/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_hitler_with_a_dolphin/
%
An algebra teacher had just finished his lecture when he saw a female student...

She had stayed behind after everyone else had left, furiously working away at proof exercises. The teacher walked up to her and said, "Why are you working so hard?"
She looked up and responded: "Harry Styles will marry me if and only if I finish top of my class."
The teacher looked bemused. "How can you make such a claim?"
The student's face lit up. "Well", she said, "let's say that I DO finish top of my class. Then I'll win lots of awards, and I'll spend the award money following Harry around on tour for six months after I graduate. That will get me enough knowledge to secure a management position at Harry's record company; I'll be able to meet him, and we'll fall in love and get married. So you see, if I finish top of my class, then Harry is sure to become my husband."
The teacher was impressed. "That was good." He said,
"But you only proved one direction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1ems/an_algebra_teacher_had_just_finished_his_lecture/
%
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1ei9/a_young_man_was_lost_wandering_in_a_forest_when/
%
what do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, it's not going to come to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1e0m/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
I'm bored

Think I will go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1dn2/im_bored/
%
War has broken out....

War has broken out and conscription is enforced. John's birthday is called and he is summoned for basic training.
Once he completes his training, he is sent straight to the front. Upon arriving, he finds out that there is a shortage of weapons.
His commanding officer tells him that it's ok, because they have come to an agreement with the enemy, and whoever raises their finger guns first and says "bang, bang", the other soldier will fall to the ground as if they were dead.
John is surprised and concerned by this, but he has no other choice.
When given the call, he and his fellow soldiers run into the battlefield. John sees his first enemy, raises his guns and yells "bang, bang!" The enemy clutches his chest and falls to the ground. He sees another one, raises his finger guns, yells "bang,bang!" However, this solider keeps coming straight at him.
"Bang, bang!" "Bang,bang!" John is yelling at his soldier, but he doesn't stop.
The soldier keeps coming at John and runs straight over him.
"Tank, tank..." are the last words John heard as the soldier continued on his way....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1dg5/war_has_broken_out/
%
My mother always told me if you have nothing nice to say

join 4chan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1ayw/my_mother_always_told_me_if_you_have_nothing_nice/
%
My wife said I needed to grow up

I was speechless
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g161a/my_wife_said_i_needed_to_grow_up/
%
If Ronald Reagan were alive today he would roll in his grave...

roll, scream, kick and so would you if you woke up in a casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g15zy/if_ronald_reagan_were_alive_today_he_would_roll/
%
The Muff Puff

So there was this married couple and the husband was a drunk. He would constantly drink and end up get abusive towards his wife.
So one day the wife gets fed up and decides she is going to go to the pet store and get something that will help defend herself. When she gets to the store an employee asks her what she is looking for.
The wife says "My husband is a drunk and every night when he comes home he is abusive toward me. I'm looking for something that can help protect me. I don't care how much it is I just need something."
The employee takes her over to the dogs and shows her a German Shepard, a Rottweiler, and a Pitbull.
The wife says "No I'm not looking for a dog it won't do anything, dogs are man's best friend. There has to be something else here that can defend me."
The employee tells her "Well I may have something in the back that can help but it is very expensive I'm not sure you can afford it."
The wife tells him "I already told you that I don't care how much it costs. I am sick of my husband."
So the employee takes her into the back of the store and brings her over to a small cage in the corner. Inside the cage is a tiny pure white fluffy fur ball. The man explains that it is called a Muff Puff and that it will be more than capable of helping her with the problem she is having with her husband.
The wife looks at him and laughs as she says "There is no way that little thing could do anything to anyone. Prove to me it is actually going to do anything."
The employee asks for her sweater and she gives it to him. The employee takes the sweater and makes it into a ball and places it inside the cage.
The employee says to the Muff Puff "Muff Puff Sweater." All of a sudden the little fur ball goes crazy and attacks the sweater. After only a few seconds the swear is gone and all that is left is a small pile of torn up cloth.
The employee asks if she's interested and she replies "That proves nothing, it was just a sweater. If I'm going to buy something to protect myself it needs to do more than that." The employee understands and agrees to give her one more example. He goes and grabs a 2x4 and places it inside the cage.
The employee then backs away and says "Muff Puff 2x4" and once again the Muff Puff attacks the 2x4 and after a few seconds there is nothing left but a pile of sawdust. After seeing this the wife is impressed and agrees that she will take it.
So the wife is sitting at home reading a book later that day with her brand new pet sitting on the coffee table next to her. The husband comes home from the bar and is once again getting ready to take his built up anger out on his wife.
The husbands yells "I have had it with your shit." and begins to approach her.
The wife calmly puts down the book and looks at him saying. "I don't think so. You see I got a new pet today and he is going to protect me and I won't need to deal with you."
The husband looks at the Muff Puff and laughs saying "You think that little thing is gonna protect you from me? That thing is the size of a softball."
The wife smiles and replies "That is exactly what my Muff Puff is going to do."
The husband laughing even harder says "Yeah right, Muff Puff my ass." Trust me that Muff Puff tore that ass up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1235/the_muff_puff/
%
Pink Ping Pong Balls

A wealthy man had a little boy. For some reason, his first words were "ping pong ball". When the boy was old enough to speak, and understand birthdays and gifts and such (about three years old), he asked the boy "So son, what would you like for your birthday this year?" The boy said, "Daddy, I would like a pink ping pong ball." Father said "That's it? No trucks, no trains no puzzles?" The boy said "No, just a pink ping pong ball.
So the father gets him the pink ping pong ball and wraps it up. The boy is absolutely delighted. He takes the pink ping pong ball to his room, and the pink ping pong ball is never seen again.
A day before his 15th birthday, asked by his father, "Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?"
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, "Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have five pink ping pong balls."
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, "If it is pink ping pong balls that you want, a pink ping pong balls you shall have. "
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday presents five pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong balls were gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
"Father," replied the son, "I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a ten pack of pink ping pong balls."
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. He said therefore, "If it is a ten pack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a ten pack of pink ping pong balls you shall have."
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a ten pack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the ten pack of pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ping pong ball remained, merely the empty husk of the ten pack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
"Father," said the son to this, "I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls."
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. "A carton of pink ping pong balls?"
"A carton of pink ping pong balls," the boy confirmed.
"I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls," said the father. "But if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have."
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
"Dear son," said the father, "I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?"
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. "Please humor me, dear father."
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
"Dearest father," the son started, "I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls."
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humor his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
"Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible."
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbor and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
"Father," the son said, "You've made me very happy yet again."
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. "My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?"
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. "Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one ten pack of pink ping pong balls."
The father held his son's hand tightly. "Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls."
"Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls."
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
"Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls."
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
"Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls," the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
"I-" the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
"I- I-"
Then he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g1118/pink_ping_pong_balls/
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An asian asks for help at an airport...

Asian: "why is my plane late? It said it would be here at 6:30."
Airplane help guy: "fluctuations."
Asian: "fluck you americans too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0wxt/an_asian_asks_for_help_at_an_airport/
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NSFW So, there's this fly.....

Stay with me here:
So, there's this fly floating above a lake at the bottom of a hill, and there's a fish watching the fly. The fish thinks to itself, "If that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna jump up and I'm gonna get that fly!"
And there's a bear watching the fish. The bear thinks to itself, "If that fly drops six inches, the fish is gonna get the fly, so I'm gonna reach out and grab that fish!"
And there's a hunter watching the bear. The hunter thinks to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, the fish is gonna get the fly, the bear is gonna grab the fish, so I'm gonna come out of my cabin and shoot that bear!"
And there's a mouse watching the hunter. The mouse thinks to itself, "If that fly drops six inches, the fish is gonna get the fly, the bear is gonna grab the fish, the hunter is gonna shoot the bear, so I'm gonna run and take that hunters grilled cheese sandwich!"
And there's a cat watching the mouse. The cat thinks to itself, "If that fly drops six inches, the fish is gonna get the fly, the bear is gonna grab the fish, the hunter is gonna shoot the bear, the mouse is gonna get the sandwich, so I'm gonna pounce on that mouse!"
SOOOO...
The fly drops six inches, the fish gets the fly, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse takes the sandwich, the cat TRIES to pounce on the mouse... but he misses and tumbles all the way down the hill and into the lake.
The moral of the story: If the fly drops six inches, the pussy gets wet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0w00/nsfw_so_theres_this_fly/
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What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights?

A chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0rtt/what_do_you_call_a_bird_thats_afraid_of_heights/
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What starts with e, ends with e, and has a letter in it.

envelope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0rsi/what_starts_with_e_ends_with_e_and_has_a_letter/
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The daughter that sees the future!

A father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0qdc/the_daughter_that_sees_the_future/
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What kind of shirts do philosophers wear

Soccer tees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0l46/what_kind_of_shirts_do_philosophers_wear/
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TIL ninjas only have sex in the dark...

That way you can't see them coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0k91/til_ninjas_only_have_sex_in_the_dark/
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A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks, "What's this about?"
The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"
The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0jf5/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_3_pieces_of_meat/
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Why did Hillary wait to give her concession speech?

She needed time to negotiate her fee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0f7p/why_did_hillary_wait_to_give_her_concession_speech/
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A programming genius named Sewter

Built a limerick-writing computer
The metre was fine
And the rhymes quite divine
But for some reason it always got the last line wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0c53/a_programming_genius_named_sewter/
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I want to start a band called Absolute Zero.

People will say we're 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0bu3/i_want_to_start_a_band_called_absolute_zero/
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My dog has a creepy obsession with trees

All he ever does is talk about their skin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0bia/my_dog_has_a_creepy_obsession_with_trees/
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There's a church running out of funding

Because their beliefs aren't popular anymore. They're very conservative, and the members are very loyal. There isn't another church like them in any nearby town, and they don't want to let their members down. The church is run by friars sworn to be completely devout to the church and work nowhere else, but they can't afford it anymore. A few friars get together and decide that they should open up a flower shop. They also decide not to tell the head of the church, because he will see it as a sin. They open up their store, and business is great. They're making more money than they know what to do with, and anonymously donating it to the church. Of course, the head of the church eventually becomes suspicious, and looks into what's been going on. He finds the shop, and in a fit of rage, decides to destroy it. Of course, it would be a sin for him to do it, but he decides it is a good enough cause that if he hires someone to do it for him, it will be okay. He hires a man named James, who writes false reviews online about the store. However, nobody listens to him, and his plan fails. The head of the church decides that he must try again, so he hires a man named Randall. Randall breaks into the store and tries to take all the product and profit in there, but is caught by the police. The head of the church decides he should give it one more shot. He hires an ex convict named Hugh and says he should do whatever is necessary. Hugh goes to the shop, and he burns it down. There's nothing left. It just goes to show that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0b7i/theres_a_church_running_out_of_funding/
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Man, I sure love gravity

It's really down to earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0acm/man_i_sure_love_gravity/
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I tried to start a band called "999 megs"!

Never did get a gig :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g0a5n/i_tried_to_start_a_band_called_999_megs/
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom of the page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g08qh/where_was_the_declaration_of_independence_signed/
%
What if aliens are responsible for global warming?

And this is just their way of breaking the ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g059m/what_if_aliens_are_responsible_for_global_warming/
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Found my first grey pubic hair last night.

Just a shame it was in a kebab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5g00k4/found_my_first_grey_pubic_hair_last_night/
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Why can't Chuck Norris complete forms and applications on the internet?

Because he can't bring himself to click the "submit" button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzx1o/why_cant_chuck_norris_complete_forms_and/
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Finally got in to an exercise routine and I've lost over 100 pounds!!

I'm from England, and exercise equipment is pretty expensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzx0y/finally_got_in_to_an_exercise_routine_and_ive/
%
A cop pulls over a blonde.

A cop pulls over a car for going 30 mph on the interstate.  The blonde protests and says "30 mph was the speed limit on the sign."  The cop chuckles and says "no maam that is the highway number not the speed limit."   The officer notices her passengers are all rigid, ashen, shaking, and obviously scared.  "Calm down yall.  I'm only giving you a warning."  A passenger in the back responds "that isn't it officer. We just got off the 105 bypass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzvqu/a_cop_pulls_over_a_blonde/
%
an old man is at the mall with his daughter

An old man is at the mall with his daughter. he starts to get hungry after a while of walking around he asks his daughter if they can sit down to eat. they go to the food court they get their food sit down and start eating. the old man looks across the way and sees a girl with tattoos piercings and hair that was died multiple colors red blue yellow and the like. he keeps staring at her. the daughter says to the old man stop staring. but the old man does not listen. now the girl with the tattoos, piercings and hair realizes that the old man continues to stare she starts to get upset and gives him a dirty look. but the old man just wont stop staring finally after a while the girl with tattoos and such gets sick of being glared at throws her food away and starts walking towards the old man. the daughter quickly finishes the sip of her drink that she took because she knows her father is going to say something witty. the girl with the piercings and tats say to the old man whats the matter old man you never do anything wild in your life before? The old man replies: got stoned once and fucked a parrot i couldn't help but wonder if you were my daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzte2/an_old_man_is_at_the_mall_with_his_daughter/
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I have been smoking weed for almost 13 years.

Or about a baker's dozen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzssm/i_have_been_smoking_weed_for_almost_13_years/
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If an honest man says he has to use the bathroom

He's full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzqbn/if_an_honest_man_says_he_has_to_use_the_bathroom/
%
Put the punchline in the title

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzmk6/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
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A horse walks into a bar..

The bartender asks "why the long face?"
The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and then leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzjn5/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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I think my gran has Alzheimer's.

She called me Dave earlier when my name is Carson. Either that or she's thinking of someone else while we're having sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzh64/i_think_my_gran_has_alzheimers/
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How to look at life positively

|life|

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzfw5/how_to_look_at_life_positively/
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My sex life's improved dramatically since my wife died.

For a start, she now takes it in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzfq6/my_sex_lifes_improved_dramatically_since_my_wife/
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After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzfc6/after_my_wife_died_i_couldnt_even_look_at_another/
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A young guy from Texas moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Texas ."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in Texas , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzf1v/a_young_guy_from_texas_moves_to_florida_and_goes/
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My wife has recently decided to try her hand at cooking...

...and today handed me one of her freshly baked cookies, "Now be brutally honest." She smiled, "I'm open to criticism."
I said, "They're quite nice, you fat cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzez8/my_wife_has_recently_decided_to_try_her_hand_at/
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Who's the biggest prostitute in history

Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzegr/whos_the_biggest_prostitute_in_history/
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In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided suicide was the only option.

I just need to talk her into it now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fze75/in_the_middle_of_a_really_messy_divorce_i_decided/
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Doing laundry is a lot like masturbating

the longer I wait the larger my load

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fze0c/doing_laundry_is_a_lot_like_masturbating/
%
If life gives you melons,

You might be dyslexic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzcyv/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
How do you catch a rabbit?

You gotta get real low in the grass. And make noises like a carrot..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzcio/how_do_you_catch_a_rabbit/
%
I don't know what my wife is most upset about today.

The fact that she caught me having sex with her mother this morning or the fact that her mother died during her sleep last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzc98/i_dont_know_what_my_wife_is_most_upset_about_today/
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What's black with eight legs and often found in the shower?

Prison rape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzbzp/whats_black_with_eight_legs_and_often_found_in/
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If I make you breakfast in bed a simple 'thank you' would be nice...

None of this 'how did I get into your house' business..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fzauf/if_i_make_you_breakfast_in_bed_a_simple_thank_you/
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Airplane Confusion

My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane.
Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: “We apologize for the gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., you should deplane at this time.”
A moment later a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said, “wrong plane.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fz5yg/airplane_confusion/
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My Exgirlfriend Was An Archaeologist.

She loved digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fz5q2/my_exgirlfriend_was_an_archaeologist/
%
A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs

decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.
"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?"
dogThe farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.
Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could
speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you."
So the farmer brought out his horse. "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist.
The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed.
Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?
The farmer looks at him and says them sheep ain't nothing but liars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fz5gw/a_travelling_ventriloquist_on_the_road_in_between/
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[Long] A man who had just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven.

To his right is standing an attractive women, and to his left is a ladder.  The woman speaks, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success."  The man always eager to get ahead in life chooses to climb the ladder.  The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate.  Next to her is another ladder.  The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success."  This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.  He again encounters a woman.  This woman, however is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.  She says, "Come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success."  The man can't believe his luck.  He decides to take his chances and climb the ladder.  He comes to another gate.  This time there is no woman waiting for him.  Suddenly an old overweight man walks up to him.  "Are you God?" the man ask. "No, I'm Sess"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fz3af/long_a_man_who_had_just_died_finds_himself/
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Just went to the supermarket and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas

I can't believe the currant exchange rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fz24b/just_went_to_the_supermarket_and_swapped_50/
%
After a consultation, the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.
You see, your testicles seem to be pressing on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache.
I can relieve the pressure by removing the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in fifteen years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the man behind the counter, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "I've been doing this all my life!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt to go with the suit?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The tailor eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been doing this all my life." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the tailor asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The tailor said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, and said "No no, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fz1cz/after_a_consultation_the_doctor_said_joe_the_good/
%
A cop is patrolling near midnight in a well-known spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a buxom young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window “Uh, yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine, sir “
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers’ lane. And nothing obscene is happening! “What’s your age, young man?”
“I’m 25, sir.”
“And her ... what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fz0op/a_cop_is_patrolling_near_midnight_in_a_wellknown/
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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates
when St. Peter asks the first girl, ' Tiffany, have you ever had any
contact with a male organ?
She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once
touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'
St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip the tip of your finger
in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question
'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well,
once I fondled and stroked one.'
St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip your whole hand in the
Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches
the front, St. Peter says, 'Reeva, What seems to be the rush?'
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fz0f9/a_train_hits_a_bus_filled_with_catholic_school/
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I was nervous lying next to her for the first time, but a voice inside my head said "Relax you, are not the first doctor to sleep with their patient..."

but another voice kept saying "Jim....you're a veternarian"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fz023/i_was_nervous_lying_next_to_her_for_the_first/
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What is black on the bottom and white on top?

Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fyz3s/what_is_black_on_the_bottom_and_white_on_top/
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Your mother is a head turner

By that I mean that the gravitational field of her planetary body is trying to pull my head in orbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fyx8u/your_mother_is_a_head_turner/
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A women tells her lover to "Put two fingers in." So he does...

Then she says, "put your hand in." So he does.
Then she says, "Put your other hand in." So he does.
Then she says, "Now clap." And he says, "I can't".
And she says proudly, "Tight, huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fyurd/a_women_tells_her_lover_to_put_two_fingers_in_so/
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A polar bear walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The polar bear says, “I think I’ll have a gin and ...................................................................... ............................................................................ tonic.”
The bartender says, “Ok, but why the big pause?”
The polar bear says, “I don’t know, I was born with them.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fyt40/a_polar_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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The little girl on the roller coaster next to me really needs to stop screaming.

As if she had never seen a dick before..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fysxy/the_little_girl_on_the_roller_coaster_next_to_me/
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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing,

So after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.
After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fysut/a_blonde_wanted_to_go_ice_fishing/
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GRAND THEFT AUTO

A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fysf6/grand_theft_auto/
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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fysct/a_man_is_in_bed_with_his_wife_when_there_is_a/
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When is the only time a guy can multi-task

A: When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fyret/when_is_the_only_time_a_guy_can_multitask/
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A guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here?
My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but
it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at
the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll
have to ask you to leave"
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon the
Browns kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar and walks
down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a
touchdown?"
The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 2 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fyqx6/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_wearing_a_browns_jersey/
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A man flying in a hot air balloon realises he is lost.

He reduces his altitude, spots a man in a field down below and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man replies, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?" says the man. "Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am. But how did you know?" says the balloonist.
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help.
You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fypzp/a_man_flying_in_a_hot_air_balloon_realises_he_is/
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What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fypj8/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_two_brain_cells/
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Why did the thieves get caught after robbing the Louvre?

Cause they didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the van Gogh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fypdp/why_did_the_thieves_get_caught_after_robbing_the/
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Why did the man take Viagra before committing suicide?

So he could die hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fyp0i/why_did_the_man_take_viagra_before_committing/
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A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells:

"Hands in the air motherfuckers! This is a stick up!" Because he's just dyslexic and can still speak fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fykb3/a_dyslexic_walks_into_a_bank_and_yells/
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I unplugged my carbon monoxide detector from the wall today

All that beeping was giving me headaches and making me feel nauseous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fygo5/i_unplugged_my_carbon_monoxide_detector_from_the/
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Stupid bell

What do you call a stupid bell?
A dumbbell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fyg9h/stupid_bell/
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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel

to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fyfjs/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_to_israel/
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A blonde was taking helicopter lessons...

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons and she was finally ready to try it on her own. The instructor told her to radio him every 1000 feet to make sure everything was okay.
At 1000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine."
At 2000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine, just getting a little cold."
But before she reached 3000 feet the helicopter began to slowly come down. It crashed into the ground ruining the helicopter, but the blonde was fine. The instructor ran to her side to comfort her, "What happened?"
She replied, "I told you it was getting cold. So I shut off the giant fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fydqa/a_blonde_was_taking_helicopter_lessons/
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BUS STOP CONFUSION

Two blondes wait at a bus stop.
A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver says, "No, I'm sorry."
The other blonde leans inside and asks, "How about me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fybut/bus_stop_confusion/
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My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’

I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fyadq/my_friend_surprised_me_for_my_birthday_with_a/
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A BLONDE'S BRAIN AT WORK

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fya8t/a_blondes_brain_at_work/
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Did you hear the one about the agnostic insomniac dyslexic?

He stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fy7zi/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_agnostic_insomniac/
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If you think that your job is useless and does not make any difference in the world,

consider that there are people out there making turn signals for BMW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fy7uy/if_you_think_that_your_job_is_useless_and_does/
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Three men are on a desrted island and get captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibals walks up to the first man and says,
"We will grind your bones and use them for forks! Do you have any last requests?"
The man says, "I would like the most delicious meal you can offer me."
The chief grants the man his request and grinds his bones into forks afterwards.
The chief then walks up to the second man and says,
"We will roast your flesh over the fire and have a great feast! Do you have any last requests?"
The man says, "I would like to enjoy your most beautiful woman before I die."
The chief grants the man his request and roasts his flesh over the fire afterwards.
Finally the chief approaches the third man and says,
"We will kill you and use you skin to build a canoe! Do you have any last requests?"
The man says, "I would like one of the forks you made from the first guy's bones."
The chief looks confused but decides to grant him his request anyway.
As soon as the man is given the fork, he begins to stab himself all over his body while laughing maniacally. He turns to the chief and yells,
"Now you'll never get your damn canoe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fy73l/three_men_are_on_a_desrted_island_and_get/
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Over 600 thousand watches are thrown away each year

I guess you could call it a waste of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fy6lw/over_600_thousand_watches_are_thrown_away_each/
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LITTLE JOHNNY... BIG WORD

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fy6j2/little_johnny_big_word/
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How do you call a cow with no legs?

You don't, because cows don't have phones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fy23a/how_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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Before I met my wife I always felt incomplete...

Now I'm finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fy1tx/before_i_met_my_wife_i_always_felt_incomplete/
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What does Reddit and a restroom have in common?

It's where assholes go to talk shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fy1o1/what_does_reddit_and_a_restroom_have_in_common/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fxzwt/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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I was going to post a gay joke....

Butt fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fxy7f/i_was_going_to_post_a_gay_joke/
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"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fxxw4/yknow_with_all_the_civil_unrest_political/
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Legless parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot.” I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag.” Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fxwin/legless_parrot/
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What's the difference between a motivational speaker and a baseball player?

The baseball player has all of its limbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fxssm/whats_the_difference_between_a_motivational/
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A NIGHT'S SLEEP

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.
The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked Johnny. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fxqvf/a_nights_sleep/
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Once I saw two kids fighting at an elementary school playground

Being the only adult around, I had to step in. They didn’t stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fxqog/once_i_saw_two_kids_fighting_at_an_elementary/
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What kind of exercises do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fxnm3/what_kind_of_exercises_do_lazy_people_do/
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A contest, to submit the most romantic first line, and the least romantic second line

A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line… But the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received:
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “go to hell"
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don’t take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes – Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My submission, however, was declined. The paper said that the entire poem was far too romantic.
Roses are red, violets are blue
Pornhub is down, so your Facebook will do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fxm2k/a_contest_to_submit_the_most_romantic_first_line/
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I was going to say a funny joke about sodium...

but Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fxl61/i_was_going_to_say_a_funny_joke_about_sodium/
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Be safety conscious

80% of people are caused by accidents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fxkc1/be_safety_conscious/
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A couple who met on Tinder are out in the countryside riding their bikes...

The sun is shining, it's a warm day in early summer, and a couple who recently met on Tinder are riding their bicycles through the countryside. They are both attracted to each other, looking athletic in cycling gear, and getting a buzz out of the sexual tension, the sensation of speed, and the liberating feeling of being out in the open.
The girl, being the experienced cyclist, is riding more slowly, and the guy is doing his best not to show off. He follows his date at an equally sedate pace.
They just finished climbing a hill and are starting to coast downhill when the girl suddenly yelps, and starts hawking violently, coughing and spitting, almost falling off her bike. The guy, startled by the sudden transformation of his date from a cool, sexy girl into a spittle spewing monster, asks, "Hey, are you OK? What happened?"
Still coughing and spitting, with tears rolling down her cheeks now, the girl replies, "I swallowed a fly! It flew right in my mouth!"
Surprised by her overreaction, the guy starts to suggest that the girl drink some water, when all of a sudden she gets back on her bike, and sprints off at top speed. He quickly follows but is amazed at how fast she is going and actually has a hard time catching up.
He finally is neck and neck with her, and starts yelling about how swallowing a fly never hurt anybody, when all of a sudden she veers off into a gas station, dumps her bike, runs into the store, and starts stuffing hot dogs and chicken wings into her mouth, before even paying for them.
Inwardly freaked out by this bizarre behavior, the guy tries hard to maintain composure, and asks her what she is doing.
In between mouthfuls of hot dog, the girl says: "I realized I was no longer vegan. Get me some ketchup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fxk2j/a_couple_who_met_on_tinder_are_out_in_the/
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What's the difference between a triangle and Manchester United ?

A triangle has three points

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fxhq3/whats_the_difference_between_a_triangle_and/
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Doctor: ""If you gain 5 more pounds, medically, you'll be morbidly obese."

"Do you understand what this means?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm not morbidly obese now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fx9jh/doctor_if_you_gain_5_more_pounds_medically_youll/
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If space is a vacuum...

Why is the earth so dirty?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fx784/if_space_is_a_vacuum/
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A boy and girl are playing outside.

The little boy has his football and the girl asks to play. He says "You can't because you're a girl."
The little girl runs home crying for her mommy. The next day the girl has a football and tells the boy her mommy said she could play football if she wants to.
This infuriates the little boy so he pulls down his pants. Pointing to his penis he says "I have one of these and you will never have one."  The little girl runs away screaming for her mommy.
The next day the smug little boy sees the girl approaching. The little girl walks up, pulls her dress up. Pointing to her vagina she says "My mommy says as long as I have one of these I can have as many of those as I want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fx1ml/a_boy_and_girl_are_playing_outside/
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How does a Mathematician hang them selves?

With a hypotenuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fx08y/how_does_a_mathematician_hang_them_selves/
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A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.
The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.
“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”
“What’s that?” She asks suspiciously
“The bad news is your husband lost $20,000 to me playing poker.”
“What!” She screams. “I’m going to kill him!”
The drunk replies “Well, that’s the good news…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwztt/a_regular_at_a_local_bar_is_drinking_heavily_one/
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A man goes to the library and asks for a book about suicide.

The librarian stares at him for a while and then asks "But who is going to bring it back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwzgd/a_man_goes_to_the_library_and_asks_for_a_book/
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What came before the Big Bang?

The Big Foreplay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwz3m/what_came_before_the_big_bang/
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They say cow manure come from males.

But that's bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwx3t/they_say_cow_manure_come_from_males/
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JOKES...as told by a German perspective

**THIS IS LONG BUT HAD TO SHARE HERE; HOPE YOU ALL APPRECIATE THIS AS MUCH AS I DO**
GERMAN JOKES
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says, "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says, "I just got back from a funeral"
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
"Would you like an ice pack?"
Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.
A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.
What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied, "No. No, I don't."
A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"
The lawyer said "$400."
"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"
"I guess so," said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"
How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'
The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says.
The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man says "I'm sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all."
What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flies". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.
Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.
The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.
Otto and Beata give birth to a young child.
This is impossible, because a baby cannot be born as a young child, therefore the previous sentence is rendered void and should be corrected. I apologise on behalf of myself, and myself only, for this major yet forgivable mistake.
The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
No.
Well, it's really nice.
Where did Hitler keep his armies?
The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes.
A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damn!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damn' say 'God help us'".
The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.
What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
An embarrassing situation
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
She was a schizophrenic.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What's the deal with airline peanuts?
The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn't want a "Peanut Fee" attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining about, anyway? It's free food, and it's a nice snack. If you're really that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you see. People these days are really selfish.
How do you make a Swiss roll?
Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either jam or cream. The resulting flat sheet of cake and cream is then rolled into a cylinder. It's quite delicious, actually.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag.
One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and the other's a thin plastic sheet formed into a shape most fitting to carrying large amounts of shopping so that its easier to carry.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough mice to lend their strength to such an endeavor, the chances of them having the intelligence and wherewithal to perform such a complex activity is really quite low.
A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the girl, this time louder.
A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!" Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.
"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."
The guy think it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.
"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.
"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc...the croc ate him."
"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."
Nobody says a word.
A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there.
The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit.
"Thank God", he says, "I've been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last."
"Eight years?" she says, "So it's eight years since you last smoked a Cuban cigar?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a Zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years.
"So is it also eight years since you had a drink?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it's 25 year old single malt whisky. It's smooth and mellow and utterly delicious.
"So," she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, "Is it eight years since you played around?"
"Oh no," he says, "This is all a dream, isn't it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming."
Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It's the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone... so terribly alone.
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the spool of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, did not recognize the sender's name, and rightly deduced that she was not the intended recipient. She replied, pointing out the man's mistake, who then resent the e-mail to the proper address.
What's the difference between a duck?
I'm sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say "What's the difference between a duck and a goose?" and the answer is that they are entirely different species of waterfowl.
What do you call 5 Mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.
Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.
A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says "we're too heavy, one of you will have to jump!" The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.
Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?
The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortably swim in.
There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen him in years.
As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.
A man walks into a bar.
He orders a couple of drinks, pays for them, and then proceeds to leave the premises, as his wife had told him that he must not be too late home.
A horse walks into a bar.
The barman immediately calls the local stable to report the missing stallion, and his owner promptly arrives to take him home. He thanks the landlord and offers a small reward, but it is respectfully declined.
What's eighteen inches long, stiff, and makes women scream at night?
A twelve inch long penis that is erect, thus adding approximately one half of its flaccid size, and involved in the act of fornication with the female partner of the man whose penis I am describing. (Of course, it is ignorant and juvenile to assume that the man in question is heterosexual. He may be a homosexual, which is perfectly acceptable in these liberal times we live in, or he may in fact be single and not inclined towards a sexual preference of any kind. This is understandable due to the myriad complications of long-term relationships, a result of the infinite differences between the masculine and feminine psyches.)
PATIENT: Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!
DOCTOR: I shall prescribe you some anti-depressant tablets, probably 20 miligrams to start with, and I shall book you an appointment with a psychiatrist. You will not be charged for his or her services, but you may have to wait up to seven weeks for your first meeting. I shall give you two prescriptions just in case, so that you don't run the risk of running out of medication and thus relapsing. You will have to return in two months as your counseller is unable to provide you with drugs. Have a nice day.
PATIENT: Thank you, doctor. My mother will be pleased and relieved that I have finally sought your advice after many years of this inner personal anguish and turmoil.
DOCTOR: You're very welcome. Could you please send my next patient in? He should have a large beard, unless he recently has shaved it, which I consider unlikely.
PATIENT: Certainly, doctor. And thank you again.
What's the difference between Smarties and sleeping pills?
Smarties are a popular chocolate-based confectionary product from England, which were the inspiration for the arguably more successful M&M's produced by Mars. Sleeping pills are flavourless narcotics that are used primarily by people suffering from afflictions such as insomnia. Another difference between the two is the repurcussions of ingestion. In a large dose, Smarties can have a minor contribution to obesity, whereas a large dose - often referred to as an 'overdose' - of sleeping pills runs the risk of much more dangerous consequences such as immediate and fatal liver damage. It is generally accepted that sleeping pills should only be used when recommended or prescribed by a qualified doctor or chemist, but Smarties can be purchased at the majority of reputable supermarkets or corner shops.
How can you tell that your girlfriend's too young for you?
Often the level of rapport enduced from conversations and activities is dependant on sharing mutual interests and beliefs. A significant age gap can compromise this, although it is not a concrete determiner of a relationship's potential success. Another thing to take into account is that the legal age for consentual sex is 16, although it is often (wrongly) considered a taboo for a man of 20 years or older to date a lady who is less than 18, the minimum legal age for drinking in the United Kingdom. However, when the roles are reversed it can be considered a positive trait for a younger man to have a mature partner.
What do you call a man with a tray on his head?
If you are aware of his given name, you may address him with this. If he had adopted a nickname by which he is comfortable to be known, using this would also be deemed acceptable. If, however, you do not already know what his name is, ask him to kindly inform you so that you may become acquainted. You may then ask him why he has a tray on his head, and he will quite likely answer you with humility and direct earnest.
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They have a few drinks, then go to a club, where they amuse each other and those around them by completely slurring their words in their already very strong regional accents. Then they get a taxi back to the house of the Englishman as he lives nearest, and stay the night. The next morning, the Scotsman and the Irishmen walk home as they are still hungover and do not wish to risk driving.
What do Madeleine McCann's parents have in common with Rhys Jones's parents?
Both sets of parents outlived their infant children. (It is assumed, due to the substantial period of time since McCann went missing, that she is now deceased. However, this has yet to be confirmed by any official source.)
Due to fewer intrinsic external differences between the facial structures of african people when compared to those of caucasians, Barack Obama is sometimes confused with Lewis Hamilton and Theo Walcott. Similarly, the current Israeli/Palestinian crisis is occasionally mistaken for that of footballer Paul Gascoigne. This is because Gascoigne was often endearingly known as 'Gazza', while the area of land most prominent in the Middle Eastern conflict is called Gaza - one letter away from the aforementioned 'Gazza', hence the confusion.
A man walks into a pub and orders three pints. He sits down with them and drinks them all to himself, then goes back to the bar and orders another three pints. Once again, he drinks them all to himself and returns for three more pints.
The barman, understandably rattled, asks him why he keeps ordering three at a time. The man explains that he has two riplet brothers, both in other countries, and they always have three pints at a time to pretend that they're together. The barman is touched by this.
This continues for several months until one day the man comes in and only asks for two pints. The barman offers his condolences.
The man thanks him, and somberly finishes his drinks, in the knowledge that he will never again see his beloved brother.
What do you get if you cross a gooseberry with a stereo?
A sticky green residue that is difficult to remove from the electrical unit.
A man dies and goes to heaven.
This is an assumption based on religious faith.
Why can't Stephen Hawking dance?
He has Motor Neurone syndrome.
What's black, white, and hungry?
The population of Zimbabwe.
A man is walking through the desert, searching desperately for water. Suddenly, he stumbles across a stall.
"Do you have any water, please?" he asks the merchant.
"Sorry mate, I only sell ties here" is the reply.
The man continues his increasingly futile bid for quenched thirst, and finally reaches another merchant.
"How can I help you, mate?"
"Water! I need water!"
"Well, you've come to the right place."
So the merchant gives the man some water, they shake hands, and have a long and hearty laugh over the redundancy of a tie shop in the desert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwwv7/jokesas_told_by_a_german_perspective/
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Koala bear and a prostitute

A Koala bear decided to visit a prostitute.
They got a hotel room and got undressed.
The Koala bear went down on the prostitute for about 30 minutes and then got up and got up and headed towards the door.
The prostitute said, "Hey, what about my money!" The koala bear was confused and said. "what money?" "I'm a prostitute" she said.
The koala bear said, "So, what's that have to do with anything?" "Look up prostitute in the dictionary." She said. "It says 'has sex for money'".
"Oh yeah?" said the Koala Bear. "I'm a koala bear. Look THAT up in the dictionary. It says 'eats bushes and leaves'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwwhd/koala_bear_and_a_prostitute/
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What does a Jedi use to open files?

Adobe-wan Kenobi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwuw5/what_does_a_jedi_use_to_open_files/
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Three Guys get Shipwrecked on an Island...

They wander around until they come across a tribe of natives, who don't understand a word they are saying, save for the chief of the tribe. He comes to them, and says he will spare them under one condition:
"You must voyage into the jungle, retrieve one piece of fruit, return and shove it up your ass. In addition to this, you cannot laugh or cry while doing so."
The men, confused but not wanting to die, go into the jungle to get their fruit.
The first guy returns with an apple. He doesn't even get it halfway when he starts crying of pain. He is killed by the tribe and goes to heaven.
The second guy returns with a bunch of grapes. He gets to the last few grapes, when he turns his head and starts dying of laughter. The tribesmen kill him, and he goes to heaven to join the first guy.
Guy 1 asks him "Dude, why did start laughing? You were so fucking close!"
"Because", the second guy said, "I saw the third guy walking back with a pineapple"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwuo5/three_guys_get_shipwrecked_on_an_island/
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2 Scientists walk into a bar...

The first one tells the bartender, "I'd like some H2O"
Upon hearing that, the second scientist says, "I'd like some water too. Jimmy, we're not in the lab anymore..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwtvm/2_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs?

The bikings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwrmn/what_do_you_call_a_motorcycle_gang_made_up_of/
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Wherever you are, if you need a romantic evening, call 180-LONG.

It's the International Date Line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwqxf/wherever_you_are_if_you_need_a_romantic_evening/
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My grandpa always said...

They were so poor, if he wasn't born a boy during the Depression, he would of had nothing to play with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwqup/my_grandpa_always_said/
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A Saudi prince has come forward saying that they should end the ban placed on women driving in the kingdom.

Interesting, just in time when all global tech giants are in the final stage of trials of their self-driving cars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwpkg/a_saudi_prince_has_come_forward_saying_that_they/
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Going to a seminar on patience

Can't wait!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwpad/going_to_a_seminar_on_patience/
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My whole family loves iron

It runs in our blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwoym/my_whole_family_loves_iron/
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A little boy is having a bath with his father...

The little boy asks, "Daddy, why is your willy so much bigger than mine?" To which the father responds "well son, that's because I have an erection"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwk3p/a_little_boy_is_having_a_bath_with_his_father/
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My DR sent me a text.

I read;
"What blod type are you?"
I replied "Typo".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwjd9/my_dr_sent_me_a_text/
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A blind woman once told me..

A blind woman once told me I had a nice girth on my cock. But I think she was just pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwja4/a_blind_woman_once_told_me/
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James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwj53/james_bond/
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How does Ohm conduct an orchestra?

Standing on his head!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwiyy/how_does_ohm_conduct_an_orchestra/
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For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did...

I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwhdq/for_a_period_houdini_used_a_trap_door_in_every/
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A German, American and Turkish man are sailing together on a boat.

During the trip the captain notices that the ship isn't sailing at the proper speed. He tells the passengers that there is too much weight on the ship and they have to throw away some of their cargo. The American goes first and starts throwing away hundreds of Marlboro packets. He says: 'Doesn't matter, we got loads of them at home anyway'. Now the Turkish guy looks at his cargo and starts throwing away hundreds of Raki bottles (alcoholic beverage). He too says: 'Doesn't matter, we got loads of them at home anyway'. It's the turn of the German guy. After thinking for a bit he picks up the Turk, and throws him overboard: 'Doesn't matter, we got loads of them at home anyway!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwez8/a_german_american_and_turkish_man_are_sailing/
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Santa Clause and a Jew [NSFW]

Whats the difference between Santa Clause and a Jew?
Santa Clause comes down the Chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwdkh/santa_clause_and_a_jew_nsfw/
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All my life I was in love with one woman...

Her name was Susan. She had the most beautiful eyes, and the most gorgeous, flowing brown hair. We were friends and I had a crush on her all through high school. Then I got drafted to the service and lost contact with her. A few years later I had left the service and we eventually got back in contact. We had a few dates, and I took her home after one night out at the bar, and that's when I suffered the biggest disappointment of my life.
Her cunt was big. I mean to tell you it was huge, you could put both hands in and clap. Despite myself, I'm down there fingering her and she says "Ouch your ring's hurting me."
"That's my wristwatch!"
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
This joke was told to me many years ago by an old man who was a great friend of mine. He passed away last year and I figure I owed it to him to make sure at least one of his epic/funny stories about his life would be shared and a little part of him would live on. Hope you enjoyed, Lord knows my 14 year old self sure did the first time I heard it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwc4q/all_my_life_i_was_in_love_with_one_woman/
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A blonde, a brunette and a red head are competing...

...in a Breaststroke Swimming competition across the English Channel.
The brunette comes in first followed by the red head.  Hours have past and the blonde is still no where to be found.
Finally, the blonde is spotted and she finishes the race in third.  She walks up to the referee and says "I don't mean to be a sore loser, but those other two girls where using their arms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwblt/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_red_head_are_competing/
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Why does Santa have such a big sack?

He comes just once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fwa7p/why_does_santa_have_such_a_big_sack/
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4 stages of life

1. You believe in Santa
2. You don´t believe in Santa
3. You are Santa
4. You look like Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fw93e/4_stages_of_life/
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Jane and Enzo are on a date...

They're walking down an empty beach on a Saturday night talking about eachother.
"I'm in Real Estate," says Jane. Enzo replies "That's right! I've seen your name in front of some big houses in this town!"
Jane replies "Yeah I bet, I'm pretty good at my job."
Enzo says "I'm a ghost hunter."
Jane looks at him and starts laughing at him saying "That's your job? a Ghost Hunter? Hahaha, I've never even seen a ghost before in my life!"
to which Enzo replies "Yeah I bet, I'm pretty good at my job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fw6t4/jane_and_enzo_are_on_a_date/
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Nun in a taxi...

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''
''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''
She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.''
The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''
The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''
''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''
The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fw1bo/nun_in_a_taxi/
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Facebook views Reddit the same way newlyweds view child mine workers

They don't like to aknowledge their existence even though they're responsible for most of the cool shit they show off to their friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvzu9/facebook_views_reddit_the_same_way_newlyweds_view/
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Dad Beat the Crap Out of Me

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvztz/dad_beat_the_crap_out_of_me/
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What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?

Skinning the vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvzls/whats_the_hardest_part_of_making_a_vegan_pizza/
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When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating

I was like, "O MG!" -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvz1r/when_magnesium_and_oxygen_started_dating/
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Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white...

...so now it looks like France landed there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvyj8/solar_radiation_has_turned_the_american_flags_on/
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Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvvag/two_factory_workers_are_talking/
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Always trust the soviet weather man.

A couple were visiting an art gallery in soviet St. Petersburg when they looked out of the window and saw the weather starting to look quite cloudy. The wife turned to her husband and said "We should get back to the hotel,I think its going to snow!" Before her husband could reply their tour guide leaned over and said "Don't worry, it will only rain, definitely no snow!"
So they continued on their tour. At the next window they came to the wife looked outside and said "I am sure that I can see it starting to snow, we really should head back to the hotel!" But again the tour guide stepped in and said "no,no, no that is not snow, simply some rain!" So the husband persuaded his wife to continue on with the tour.
However the next time they came to a window the wife turned to the tour guide, Rudolph, and said "Comrade, surely you can see the flakes of snow?" and again he replied "No, it is only rain!" So the wife turned to her husband and whispered "He can't be right, we have to cut this short and get back to the hotel!" The husband mulled this over before finally replying
"I know it looks like snow but I am sure Rudolph the red knows rain dear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvtyh/always_trust_the_soviet_weather_man/
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Three men died on Christmas Eve

and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each present something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out his car keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvtxq/three_men_died_on_christmas_eve/
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A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells:

"Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvtt0/a_dyslexic_walks_into_a_bank_and_yells/
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An American and an English newspaper reporter

were drinking in the bar after a media convention and the British reporter said, "The trouble with you Yanks is that you make your headlines much too long"  "How do you mean?" said American. " Well" said the Brit. "take the recent case of the patient from the local Mental home who gets out of his room, rapes the laundry woman and escapes over the wall, what would be your headline?"
The American thought for a moment and replied," I'd probably say, "Maniac rapes laundry woman and escapes".
"too long" said the Brit., I'd write " NUT,SCREWS,WASHER,AND BOLTS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvt0u/an_american_and_an_english_newspaper_reporter/
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I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvq9z/i_was_watching_a_movie_with_my_son_the_other_day/
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Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvngs/walnut_i_look_exactly_like_a_brain/
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What did the doctor say to the short guy in a hurry?

You're going to have to be a little patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvmwr/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_short_guy_in_a/
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Got myself a Microsoft advent calendar

but I'm worried that once I've opened 3 or 4 windows I won't be able to open any more...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvkzg/got_myself_a_microsoft_advent_calendar/
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Two men are having a shower at the gym...

...until they realize they forgot to bring along some soap. One of the men steps out to go and get two bars of soap for them to use.
On his way back, he ran into three blonde women passing by. Frozen by the embarrassment of him walking around naked, he made like a statue and stood still.
As the blondes approached him, they became curious. The first blonde tugs his penis and he drops a bar of soap. Excited, the blonde says "Yay! I got free soap!". Second blonde approaches and repeats the same process causing the man to drop the second bar of soap. Equally excited, the blonde says "Yay! I got a bar of soap too!"
As the third blonde approached the man's penis and tugged, nothing happened. Not willing to give up, the woman kept tugging and tugging and tugging...
After a few minutes, she runs up to her friends super excited and happy screaming "YAAAY! I GOT LIQUID SOAP!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvktk/two_men_are_having_a_shower_at_the_gym/
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A teacher is teaching a class

and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvks4/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class/
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New dog

So I brought this new dog home that I got from a blacksmith yesterday. As soon as we got home it made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvgzy/new_dog/
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Why did Frodo set his phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fvbb9/why_did_frodo_set_his_phone_to_vibrate/
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The Baby Shark

(My Greek Grandmother use to tell me this joke as a kid its awfully dry but when you get older you laugh at how stupid it is haha hope you enjoy)
One day the baby Shark went with his father to learn how to catch food,
First the Father taught the baby how to catch a Fish by just out swimming it and eating it before it gets away
Secondly the Father Shark then taught the baby shark how to catch a Octopus, Father gave the same advise to out run the Octopus and eat it
The Third Target was a Human, The father approached the human however swam around him in circles.. Once the father killed the man the baby shark asked
"Dad why did you swim in circles with the human"
the dad replied "sometimes you have to scare humans because they're full of shit, you dont want to eat that boy"
Ha ha .. i know the same reaction every time when she tells me this joke xD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fv89j/the_baby_shark/
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A man loses his eye in a car accident

When he's in recovery, his doctor tells him he won't be able to regain his vision so he offers him his finest false eyes. However, due to the insurance cost and hospital bills, the man can only afford a wooden eye as a replacement.
After a few weeks of adjusting to the wooden eye, he's feeling pretty confident so he goes out to a bar. As he sits down to drink, he spies a beautiful woman with a large nose from across the bar.
With every ounce of courage he has he approaches the woman and says "would you like to go on a date with me?"
"Would I!?" Replies the woman excitedly.
"Big nose!" Shouts the man angrily and storms out of the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fv7b8/a_man_loses_his_eye_in_a_car_accident/
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A twelve year old boy walks into a whorehouse

A twelve year old boy walks into a whore house. He goes up to the head mistress
Boy: Do you have any girls here with Syphilis?
Mistress: Why yes young man we do. (Chuckling)
The boy pulls out his life savings, $100 dollars in wadded up $1's and $5's.
Boy: Okay, here is $100. I want to have sex with one of those girls.
Mistress: Boy, you know you'll get syphilis if you do. Why would you want that?
Boy: Well, if i have sex with her, then I'll get syphilis. I'll go home and have sex with the babysitter, then she'll get syphilis. My dad will drive her home, have sex with her and he'll get syphilis. My dad will come home have sex with my mom and my she'll get syphilis. The mailman will come by and have sex with my mom and he'll get syphilis. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT RAN OVER MY BIKE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fv6w9/a_twelve_year_old_boy_walks_into_a_whorehouse/
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What did the vegetable say to the dj?

lettuce turnip the beet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fv50j/what_did_the_vegetable_say_to_the_dj/
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We Played the Guessing Game

Mom: What did you do at school today?
Mark: We played a guessing game.
Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam?
Mark: That’s right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fv4kh/we_played_the_guessing_game/
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After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fv4h5/after_she_woke_up_a_woman_told_her_husband_i_just/
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Before my tenth birthday, my dad told me I was adpoted

I said, "wow really?"
He responded, "Yup pack your stuff they will be here in about twenty minutes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fuz7r/before_my_tenth_birthday_my_dad_told_me_i_was/
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Dorothy is stuck in Oz

Apparently magical footwear can't solve all of your problems. So she stays put.
Decades go by, and technology advances. Dorothy, realizing that things get boring without witches trying to murder you, gets a laptop.
She installs Internet Explorer, and the connection is terrible. Dorothy uninstalls it.
She gives Firefox a try. Better, but still pretty awful.
Finally she tries Google's internet browser. The connection is STILL not good. She sighs, realizing that Oz just has terrible wifi in general.To pass the time, she plays the dinosaur game, so she can do something.
After finding a strange pleasure the simple feature, she sighs to herself with a smirk.
"There's no place like Chrome."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fuv6f/dorothy_is_stuck_in_oz/
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A 30 something year old man goes to a singles bar....

And starts conversation with a woman who was about his age. They're really hitting it off and the chemistry is strong, so after a couple drinks they start to open up to each other.
"I'm gonna be honest with you," says the man, "My wife recently divorced me so I'm on the rebound. I was just too kinky for her, she couldn't take it." Astounded, the woman says "Oh my gosh, what a coincidence! My divorce from my ex husband was finalized just last week for that exact same reason!"
At this point they decide to go back to the woman's house. She leads him up to the bedroom and things start getting hot and heavy. "Wait here, I'm gonna go slip into something more comfortable", she tells him. So she slips into her bathroom and puts on all the bondage gear she can find and freshens up. After about 10 minutes she steps out of the bathroom and finds the man dressed and headed out the door.
"Wait, where are you going!?", she yells after him, "I thought you were into kinky shit?"
The man replies "I already fucked the cat and shit in the potted plant, I'm good".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5futpl/a_30_something_year_old_man_goes_to_a_singles_bar/
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The U.S. will soon have the first first lady that was not born in the U.S.

Vladimir Putin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fuob8/the_us_will_soon_have_the_first_first_lady_that/
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I heard reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them hoping at least one would make the front page

They were all reposts, so naturally they all made it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fum6h/i_heard_reddit_likes_puns_so_i_posted_ten_of_them/
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What's the difference between a urologist and an anesthesiologist?

An urologist plays with somebody else's penis during surgery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fuljl/whats_the_difference_between_a_urologist_and_an/
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What do you call a fish out of water?

Dry!
As told by my 3 year old son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fukyo/what_do_you_call_a_fish_out_of_water/
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How do we know for sure that Darth Vader isn't black?

Because he keeps on saying "I am your father"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fujgg/how_do_we_know_for_sure_that_darth_vader_isnt/
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A graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fuits/a_graduate_with_a_science_degree_asks_why_does_it/
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Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years.

Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road.
One old man reeled in his line, laid down his rod, faced the street and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his rod and started fishing again.
The other fisherman was amazed and stated "I didn't know you were that religious.
" The other looked at him and said, "Least I could do, we was married for 42 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fuih8/two_old_men_were_fishing_off_a_bridge_as_they_had/
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A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns..

But I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fufrs/a_friend_of_mine_tried_to_annoy_me_with_bird_puns/
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Two guys are driving along a country road when their car breaks down

They get out and start walking. Shortly thereafter, they come across a nice house. When they knock on the door, a beautiful young woman answers. They explain their situation and ask if she has a place for them to stay.
She explains that she was recently widowed, and that she has friends coming over in the morning and she doesn't want them to see a couple of guys leaving her house so soon after her husband's death. The guys offer to sleep in the barn and leave first thing in the morning, and she agrees. They head to the barn and sleep there, then they wake up in the morning and return to the car. They get towed back to town and move on.
Exactly 9 months later, one of the guys gets a letter in the mail. It's from a lawyer, and it takes him a while to understand, but he realizes that the lawyer represents the young lady that they met that night. He quickly contacts his friend.
"Remember that night, nine months ago, when we were driving and the car broke down?" he asks.
"Yes," the friend says.
"When we were sleeping in her barn, did you happen to visit her house later that night?"
The friend sheepishly replies, "Yeah, I guess I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of your own?"
The friend is nervous now, but he admits, "Yeah, I did. Why?"
"Well," the guy says as he shows his friend the letter. "She just died and left me everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fufag/two_guys_are_driving_along_a_country_road_when/
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Shot my first turkey today.

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fud8e/shot_my_first_turkey_today/
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I'm so broke this chrismas...

I'm just going to wrap batteries with a note that says ^*ᴛᴏʏs ^ɴᴏᴛ ^ɪɴᴄʟᴜᴅᴇᴅ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fucfu/im_so_broke_this_chrismas/
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A farmer had so many children...

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm.
The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name.
When he got to one of the farmer’s son the boy replied "Wagon Wheel".
The teacher said "I need your REAL name, son."
To which he boy replied, "It’s Wagon Wheel, sir…Really".
The teacher, in a huff, said "Alright young man march yourself right down to the principal’s office THIS minute!!!!"
The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister and said, "Come on, Chicken Shit he ain’t gonna believe YOU, neither!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fu5m6/a_farmer_had_so_many_children/
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ftzra/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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My teacher accused me of plagiarism.

His words, not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ftye3/my_teacher_accused_me_of_plagiarism/
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And the award for the best neckwear goes to...

Huh, would you look at that, it was a tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ftxk7/and_the_award_for_the_best_neckwear_goes_to/
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A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm...

"Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.
“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.
“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ftvu1/a_farm_worker_greets_josef_stalin_at_his_potato/
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After a Night of Drinking...

Three friends get into an argument over who got more wasted the night before.
"I got so drunk last night, when I got home I blew chunks," said the first man.
"I got so drunk last night, I got pulled over for a D.U.I.," said the second man.
But the third man was certain he got more wasted than his friends. "I got so drunk last night, that I brought home a prostitute in front of my wife," he argued.
"I don't think you guys understand," said the first man. "My dog's name is chunks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ftvhr/after_a_night_of_drinking/
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What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese phone.
Wing wing, hallo?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ftu2g/what_has_two_wings_and_a_halo/
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What did Velma say to Scooby when they went to the haunted methadone clinic?

*Junkies!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ftrmb/what_did_velma_say_to_scooby_when_they_went_to/
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You know what the worst part about being tall and funny is?

My jokes go right over most people's head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ftq8d/you_know_what_the_worst_part_about_being_tall_and/
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One night as a bartender is closing up his bar, he hears a knock at the back door.

When he opens the door, there stands a bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?"
The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up his bar.
Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the door. Again, there stands another bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?"
The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up the bar.
Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the back door. This time, there's a bum asking for a straw. The owner gives him a straw, but finally asks what's going on out there.
The bum replies, "Some lady threw up in the back, but all the good stuff is gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ftp7n/one_night_as_a_bartender_is_closing_up_his_bar_he/
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How can you tell an ant is a boy or girl?

Throw it in water
If it sinks = girl ant
If it floats = buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ftoxm/how_can_you_tell_an_ant_is_a_boy_or_girl/
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We're sorry, but the "blind people rejoice" meeting has been postponed,

Due to unforeseen circumstances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ftocg/were_sorry_but_the_blind_people_rejoice_meeting/
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I'd had enough. I decided to kill my wife.

But I couldn't do it myself, so I asked around. I eventually heard of a big guy named Arty who kills people for $1. All you have to do is give him a picture and place of work. I found him, gave him the dollar and a picture of my wife.
"She works at Walmart", I said.
He just shook his head, got up, and left. Just like that. I wasn't there, but people say he grabbed her by the throat and started choking her. It wasn't long before a security guard rushed over. Arty was so big he grabbed both of them. One neck per hand. And killed them both.
It's hard to believe but it's true. They even ran a story about it in the local paper. "Arty chokes 2 for $1 at Walmart".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fthpv/id_had_enough_i_decided_to_kill_my_wife/
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A dumb kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "Hey watch this. This is the dumbest kid in the world." The barber then proceeds to hold one dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other. The barber asks him which he wants and the kid then takes the two quarters and leaves. "See, I told you he was dumb!"
The next day the kid walks into the same barber shop licking an ice cream cone. The barber is alone so he asks, "Boy, why do you always take the two quarters?" The boy responds, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ftath/a_dumb_kid/
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Two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets of Rome...

One turns to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ft8gc/two_nuns_were_riding_their_bicycles_through_the/
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European Heaven and Hell

In Heaven the soldiers are British, the food is French, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Germans.
In Hell the soldiers are French, the food is British, the lovers are German and everything is organized by the Italians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ft5ly/european_heaven_and_hell/
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The inventor of the Big Mac died today.

His family ordered the largest, most lavish coffin they could find in the brochure, but were extremely disappointed when it turned out to be nothing like what was in the picture.
Karma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ft4va/the_inventor_of_the_big_mac_died_today/
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Girl, you can call me RNA II Polymerase ...

...cuz I'm gonna unzip your genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ft4j0/girl_you_can_call_me_rna_ii_polymerase/
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Sherlock was working on his garden, when Watson walked over and asked what he was planting.

"What are you planting?" said Watson.
"It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ft20q/sherlock_was_working_on_his_garden_when_watson/
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"Emma Stone"

An Italian man telling you he's high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ft1mf/emma_stone/
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Silent Treatment [Long]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am".
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said...
It is 5:00am, wake up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ft1g3/silent_treatment_long/
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A piece of shit walks into a bar

It's my dad... My dad is a piece of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ft15f/a_piece_of_shit_walks_into_a_bar/
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I like my men like I like my grapes

Black and twenty at a time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fszph/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_grapes/
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fszd8/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A fact and a joke:

Donald Trump won the election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fsyik/a_fact_and_a_joke/
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What do you call boiling period blood in a saucepot?

Egg drop soup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fsye5/what_do_you_call_boiling_period_blood_in_a/
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What bird can lift the most?

A crane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fsydy/what_bird_can_lift_the_most/
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As bad as 2016 seems to be, it could be worse...

You could have got a phone call from Charlie Sheen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fswo2/as_bad_as_2016_seems_to_be_it_could_be_worse/
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[NSFW] Why is Popeye's penis soft and smooth?

He puts it in Olive Oyl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fsw5k/nsfw_why_is_popeyes_penis_soft_and_smooth/
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How to make holy water.

You take normal water, and you just boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fsvhe/how_to_make_holy_water/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone used the wrong "they're"...

Their wouldn't be enough money on the planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fsv5t/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_used_the/
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A naked woman robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fssye/a_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fsria/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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One day in the West a rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.
The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.
After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.
The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”
The man asks, “Why not?”
And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fsqds/one_day_in_the_west_a_rapist_and_con_artist_get/
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Peter and David were lost in the Sahara, hungry and thirsty ...

When they found some men in their tents.
Happy, they went to ask for food and shelter.
An arab man asked them : what are your names?
Peter replied Peter, but David, in fear, replied Mohamed.
The arab man said: Well Peter, come with me i'll get you something to eat, and as you know Mohamed, it's ramadan, our holy month of fasting, you'll have to wait nine hours to eat, in the meantime you can sleep in my tent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fspb9/peter_and_david_were_lost_in_the_sahara_hungry/
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What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fskur/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_penis_and_a/
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Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fsj58/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
%
why do women not need to wear watches?

there's a clock on the stove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fsgkv/why_do_women_not_need_to_wear_watches/
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A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fsen0/a_jumper_cable_walks_into_a_bar/
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After a terrible storm, a man and his sheepdog are stranded on a large desert island.

They manage to set up camp and survive. The man searches the island every day, but never finds any other people.
One day, as the man and his dog are walking, they find a small flock of sheep grazing.
Looking at the sheep, the man gets an idea.
Now, he isn't the kind of guy who gets into animals, but he is LONELY.
So he finds a female sheep, drops his pants, and is about to do the deed when all of the sudden the dog starts barking like crazy, jumping at him. He finally gives up and takes the dog back to camp.
He tries it a few more times and each time the dog is crazier than the last, so he begins to give up on the idea.
One morning, though, he and the dog were walking down the beach they find debris, and then an unconscious, beautiful, naked woman washed up with the tide.
He revives her. She is weak, but appreciative.
She reaches up says: "You saved me! I don't know how I can repay you!”
The guy looks deeply into her eyes and says...
"Well, if you wouldn't mind holding my dog for about 15 minutes I would be really grateful..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fsa75/after_a_terrible_storm_a_man_and_his_sheepdog_are/
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Decided to burn a lot of calories today

So I lit a fat kid on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs926/decided_to_burn_a_lot_of_calories_today/
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Why did nobody in the Soviet Union drive manual cars?

They were afraid of Stalin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs8e8/why_did_nobody_in_the_soviet_union_drive_manual/
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A duck walks into a bar.

It asks the barkeeper: “Do you have bread?”
Bartender: “No.”
Duck: “Do you have bread?”
-
Bartender: “NO!”
-
Duck: “Do you…”
Bartender: “LISTEN! I HAVE NO BREAD AND IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME, I’M GONNA NAIL YOU TO THAT WALL!!!”
Duck: “Do you have nails?”
Bartender: “NO!”
Duck: “Do you have bread?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs86t/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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The tornado warning siren has just stopped going off

That's either good or terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs7fy/the_tornado_warning_siren_has_just_stopped_going/
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I asked my girlfriend to get me a newspaper...

She said, "Nobody uses newspapers anymore use my iPad" and she was right, that spider died in one swing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs76r/i_asked_my_girlfriend_to_get_me_a_newspaper/
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There are basically ten kinds of people

* Those who know binary.
* Those who think in binary and pronounce the numeral "10" as "two", these are robots and should be destroyed.
* Those who fuck up the setup.
* Those who quit early.
* Those who never really gave a shit in the first place.
* Those who take the opposite position of anything you say.
* Those who take everything too far.
* Jews.
* Those who take everything too seriously.
* Those who don't know when to quit.
* Those who fuck up the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs5vq/there_are_basically_ten_kinds_of_people/
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Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room of their ob/gyn knitting onesies for their babies.

The first woman puts her needles down, takes a pill from her purse and swallows it.
"What was that?" the other two inquire.
"Iron," she says, "my baby is going to be strong!"
They go back to knitting. After some time has passed the second woman takes a pill from her purse and swallows it.
"What was that?" the other two inquire.
"A multivitamin," she says, "my baby is going to be healthy!"
The women resume knitting. After some more time passes, the third woman lets out a big sigh, then reaches into her purse and takes a pill.
"What was that?" the other two inquire.
"Thalidomide," she says, "I fucked up the arms!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs4zn/three_pregnant_women_are_sitting_in_the_waiting/
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3 criminals are about to be executed by a firing squad...

The first criminal is brought out. The captain yells "Arm!" then "Aim!" The criminal thinks quickly and shouts "Tsunami!" Being near a tsunami-prone area, the captain and his men look around. The criminal escapes.
The second criminal is then brought out. The captain orders his men the same as before, however the criminal also thinks quickly and shouts "Tornado!" As the firing squad is in a tornado-prone area, the men look around, and the criminal escapes.
The final criminal is brought out. The soldiers again arm and aim. The criminal thinks of a way to get out and has an idea. He yells "Fire!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs3mb/3_criminals_are_about_to_be_executed_by_a_firing/
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A little girl asks her mom, "Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?"

Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs1vc/a_little_girl_asks_her_mom_why_am_i_getting_my/
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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling “spit it out, spit it out you bastard”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs1lu/one_day_an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman/
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A Jew and a Czech go hunting.

They reach a clearing in the woods and spot a deer. The Czech aims his rifle to shoot, when a bear attacks them from behind and eats the Czech. The Jew, scared shitless, runs back to town and tells everyone what happened. After some discussion, the worried townsfolk form a hunting party to deal with the man-eating bear.
Upon returning to the clearing, the hunting party sees two bears fucking. They ask the Jew which one ate his friend, to which the Jew replies, "the male, definitely the male."
So one of the townsfolk shoots the male bear, causing the female to run away. They cut open the bear's stomach, only to find a rabbit and some berries.
Never trust a Jew when they tell you the Czech is in the male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs1lj/a_jew_and_a_czech_go_hunting/
%
Three women meet up the next day at a cafe after a night of partying.

All three are nursing hang overs. The first girl whimpers in pain from her headache.
"I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks." she says. The second girl shook her head.
"That's nothing! I got so drunk I let that ugly ass bartender fuck me in the back room of the bar!"
The third girl scoffs.
"Shit... I was so drunk I let that shitty band gang bang me in their van!"
The first woman shook her head.
"No... you girls don't understand... Chunks is my dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs185/three_women_meet_up_the_next_day_at_a_cafe_after/
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Teacher asks Johnny, "What's Wrong?"

Johnny :- Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny, are you asleep?'
I say No & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye
Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.
The following morning Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.
Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again? Johnny:- Dad asked me if I was asleep. I shut up & kept dead still. Then my mum and dad started moving at the same time. Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, "Are you coming?" Mum said, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?" Dad answered:- Yes.
Well, they don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "wait for me, I'm coming too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs0gq/teacher_asks_johnny_whats_wrong/
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Two parents want to have some intimacy

for some good old in-out in-out, so they ask their son to go on the balcony and tell them what he sees, just to distract him so he doesn't come peeping in the room. While they're doing this, they have sex. Once in a while they shout to their son in the next room : "do you see anything interesting ?"
"Nah... a lost dog in the street..."
"...and now ?... *puff puff pant pant* "
"... no, nothing... Oh, the Johnsons are fucking !"
"...how can you tell ?"
"Their son is on the balcony"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs0d4/two_parents_want_to_have_some_intimacy/
%
I took a girl to Fight Club. Terrible place for a first date.

We had nothing to talk about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fs08w/i_took_a_girl_to_fight_club_terrible_place_for_a/
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frztx/the_irs_decides_to_audit_grandpa_and_summons_him/
%
A man was out of work...

A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and Elmo. Still, a job's a job, he thought.
As he went about his route, he stopped and picked up twin girls. These girls were rather portly, and as they entered the bus the first one said, "My name's Patty." The man asked the second twin her name and she said, "My name's Patty also."
Further along, there was a boy who was trying to put on a James Dean-esque cool image. As he got on the bus, he said, "Yo! I'm Leonard T." He sat in the seat right behind the driver, so the driver could see him in his mirror.
They were almost back to the school, and made one last stop. The kid who got on announced, "I'm Ross... and I'm special."
As they made their way back to the school, the driver noticed to his disgust that the kid sitting right behing him had removed one shoe to reveal a horrible case of bunions, which he was picking at.
As soon as they got to school, the man went to the principal's office, threw down the bus keys on his desk, and announced he was quitting. "Is something wrong?" asked the principal?
"I can't take this!" yelled the man. "I've got two all beef Pattys, special Ross, Leonard T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frzlu/a_man_was_out_of_work/
%
Why was the tomato blushing?

Because he saw the salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frxxm/why_was_the_tomato_blushing/
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Ring ring....

Little girl: "Um... hello?"
Caller: ".... Oh hey sweetie, its daddy.... why are you annwering the phone? Where is mommy?"
Little girl: " Um..... mommy says she and uncle Jack are working in the bedroom and i gotta play downstairs......"
Caller: " What!? Honey, you aint got a uncle Jack!"
Little girl: " He comes round sometimes when your not here to do the banging in the bedroom with mommy.."
Caller: " Right, i need you to go upstairs and shout Daddys home please darling? Do that for me now but dont hang up"
Little girl: " ....*footsteps*.. DADDYS HOME!.. *Lots of commotion*....*frantic shuffling*....*door opening*....*running*....*cursing*......*glass breaking*.....*screaming*.
Caller:" Honey??! Darling you there? What happening??
Little girl: " I said it daddy but then uncle Jack ran naked down the hall, tripped, fell through the window and smashed onto the dogs kennel....
I thinks he's dead!"
Caller: "Dog kennel???....... phew! Sorry wrong number!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frsri/ring_ring/
%
Yo momma is so fat

, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frsan/yo_momma_is_so_fat/
%
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven......

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fro25/three_women_die_together_in_an_accident_and_go_to/
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A biology professor decides to start the new term with a bang.

He steps up to the podium and looks for the most disinterested girl in the room.
Pointing out a particularly bored looking blonde girl he announces "Today we're going to start by discussing involuntary muscle contractions. Tell me young lady, what do you think your arsehole is doing during an orgasm".
The young girl looks up with a sigh, "Probably out playing golf with his mates, why?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frnig/a_biology_professor_decides_to_start_the_new_term/
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A man writes to an advice column

I really need some advice, i just don't know what to do.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs are there, the phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work,
you don’t know them..” I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide next to the garage behind my boat so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with “the girls”. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on
It was at that moment, crouching behind the boat, that I noticed some hairline cracks in the hull, right where the aluminium of the hull meets the transom. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take the boat into the yard for repairs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frnek/a_man_writes_to_an_advice_column/
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How do you play a big game of Hungry Hippos?

Go to a weight watchers meeting and roll Maltesers down the middle of their meeting circle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frlgk/how_do_you_play_a_big_game_of_hungry_hippos/
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Why are executioners so rich?

Because they make a killing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frlfl/why_are_executioners_so_rich/
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How do you know if balls are ticklish?

Testicle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frku1/how_do_you_know_if_balls_are_ticklish/
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A man walks into his favourite bar....

...he sits at his favourite table, and waves at the waiter to order himself a beer. While waiting for his beer, he notices 2 scratch marks on the table right in front of him.
When the waiter comes, he asks him: "What are those scratches?"
Waiter says: "Those are marks. There were two men yesterday night here, they were arguing who has the longest penis."
"oh" says the guy. "Let's try it!" He pulls out his penis, puts it down on the table, takes his knife and scratches a mark at the end of his penis. The mark is higher than the 2 mens had. He shouts: "Hah! See! Forget the beer, this is champagne worthy! I won!"
The waiter then whispers to him: "But sir, these 2 men were sitting at the other side of the table........"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frk17/a_man_walks_into_his_favourite_bar/
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How does Snoop Dogg prepare for Christmas?

he raps his presents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5friu4/how_does_snoop_dogg_prepare_for_christmas/
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A great swimmer had no arms

An interviewer asks how he swims so fast without them. He responds "I use my legs"
An even greater swimmer had no legs.
An interviewer asks how he swims so fast without them. He responds "I use my arms"
The greatest swimmer had neither arms or legs
An interviewer asks how he swims so fast without them. He responds "I use my ears"
At the next swimming competition, the man with no legs and arms came in last place.
"How did you come in last place when you are the greater swimmer?"
"Some douchebag put a swimming cap on me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frhm5/a_great_swimmer_had_no_arms/
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I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frch5/i_heard_reddit_likes_puns_so_i_posted_ten_of_them/
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Health insurance

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect, Send the bill to my brother-in-law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frb27/health_insurance/
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My friend fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, it was his quick reaction that killed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5frak5/my_friend_fell_into_a_vat_of_chemicals/
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Whenever someone goes to the bathroom, my dad says, "Mention my name, you'll get a good seat."

Just kidding. I never knew my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fr7ht/whenever_someone_goes_to_the_bathroom_my_dad_says/
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Conversation in the immigration office at airport in the US:

- **Your name, Sir.**
- Bakshish Abdul
- **Sex?**
- Seven to eleven times a week.
- **No, no... I mean male or female?**
- No difference, male, female, sometimes camel
- **Holy cow!**
- Yes, cow too, but also sheep, all kinds of animals.
- **But isn't that hostile?**
- Horse style, doggy style, free style, any style - you name it!
- **Oh dear!**
- No, no! Deer run too fast...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fr7gu/conversation_in_the_immigration_office_at_airport/
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A little boy walks in on his parents having sex

Confused he asks his parents what they're doing. Without missing a beat his dad tells him he's making him a little sister and he has to go play in the back yard.
The boy wanders outside and see's the neighbours dogs having sex. He asks the neighbour what they're doing and the neighbour explains they're making puppies.
The little boy runs back in and bursts into his parents room yelling DAD! Flip her over I'd rather have a puppy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fr2ig/a_little_boy_walks_in_on_his_parents_having_sex/
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What is everyone using to scrape ice off their windscreen?

This morning I used a discount card from my wallet, but it was no good. I only got 20% off.....!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fr1y7/what_is_everyone_using_to_scrape_ice_off_their/
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What are Super Mario & Luigi's overalls made of?

Denim-denim-denim...
denim-denim-denim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fqyfa/what_are_super_mario_luigis_overalls_made_of/
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When it comes to romantic intimacy I'm a lot like Donald Trump...

Not because I grab them right by the pussy, but because I have built a wall. I have built the best emotional wall. Nobody builds emotional walls like I do, and I build them more efficiently than anybody else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fquf1/when_it_comes_to_romantic_intimacy_im_a_lot_like/
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If I had a coin for every gender there is..

I'd have two coins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fqtqf/if_i_had_a_coin_for_every_gender_there_is/
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I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fqq2o/i_thought_i_heard_one_of_the_kids_opening_the/
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2 Hunters In The Woods

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fqmmx/2_hunters_in_the_woods/
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Did you hear about the chef that died?

He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will become a pizza history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fql9c/did_you_hear_about_the_chef_that_died/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know but it's more than 5 because my basement is still dark...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fqk7g/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Fidel Castro and 11 Presidents

Fidel Castro survived 11
Presidents of the United States
-Eisenhower
-Kennedy
-Johnson
-Nixon
-Ford
-Carter
-Reagan
-Bush
-Clinton
-GW Bush
-Obama
But he couldn't take 15 days of Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fqg3j/fidel_castro_and_11_presidents/
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A large group of Pakistani soldiers...

A large group of Pakistani soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a Indian voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Indian Army soldier is better than ten Pakistanis."
The Pakistani commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Indian Army soldier is better than fifty Pakistanis."
Furious, the Pakistani commander sends his next best 50 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Indian voice calls out again "One Indian Army soldier is better than one hundred Pakistanis."
The enraged Pakistani Commander musters one hundred of his best fighters and sends then across the dune. Gunfire, grenades, machine gun fire, rockets, etc. ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Pakistani fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his Commander, "Don't send anymore men, its a trap...there's two of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fqg16/a_large_group_of_pakistani_soldiers/
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A Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer juggle.

The juggler notices the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands on a large wooden box and calls out “can you see me now?”
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fqcck/a_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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What did the Mexican man say after two houses fell on him?

"Get off me, homes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fqbmy/what_did_the_mexican_man_say_after_two_houses/
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I like dating black girls...

Because I don't have to meet their dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fqb18/i_like_dating_black_girls/
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Know why Trump supporters are so obsessed with "cuck"?

Because they can't wait to watch him fuck their families.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fq87j/know_why_trump_supporters_are_so_obsessed_with/
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Statistics say that 30% of women are on medication for some sort of mental issue...

That means there are 70% running around out there unmedicated...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fq6kr/statistics_say_that_30_of_women_are_on_medication/
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An Irish man walks out of a bar....

That's the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fq4if/an_irish_man_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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There is an avid hunter... NSFW

him, his wife and his bird dog all live together.  He always is telling his wife he wants to bring her hunting and one day she finally goes "Ok, tomorrow I'll go with you" The hunter is very excited to finally go with his wife.
So 4 am they wake up the next day and the wife turns to her husband and says "You know honey, I really just don't feel like going today." and he says "Well I'll give you three options, you can either go hunting, give me a blow job, or we have anal sex, I'll come back in 15 to hear what you've decided"
So he comes back after about 15 minutes and she says "I really don't want to go today, I'll give you a blowjob"
She starts giving him head when she says "honey your dick really tastes like shit today" and he said "yeah the dog didn't want to go hunting either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fpyiy/there_is_an_avid_hunter_nsfw/
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Bet you can't see your dick

My colleague said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."
"No, just your daughter's head," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fptzh/bet_you_cant_see_your_dick/
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I tried to do an intense workout that involved 500 sit ups per day

But my body couldn't take the ab use

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fprcm/i_tried_to_do_an_intense_workout_that_involved/
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If I had 60p everytime I got a maths question wrong...

I would have about £6.30 right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fpq43/if_i_had_60p_everytime_i_got_a_maths_question/
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I caught up with my old English teacher.

"What's new?" he asked.
I said, "An adjective."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fppyp/i_caught_up_with_my_old_english_teacher/
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A couple were having an argument

Angry Wife: "I should have married the Devil... He would make a better husband than you!"
Husband: "Honey, you would have been arrested!! Marriage between relatives is illegal in this country!" ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fppon/a_couple_were_having_an_argument/
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A blonde was taking helicopter lessons

and she was finally ready to try it on her own. The instructor told her to radio him every 1000 feet to make sure everything was okay.
At 1000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine."
At 2000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine, just getting a little cold."
But before she reached 3000 feet the helicopter began to slowly come down. It crashed into the ground ruining the helicopter, but the blonde was fine. The instructor ran to her side to comfort her, "What happened?"
She replied, "I told you it was getting cold. So I shut off the giant fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fppa0/a_blonde_was_taking_helicopter_lessons/
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With love

A very rich woman has three possible suitors for her daughter, and decides to test them.
One day, she takes the first one for a walk. She asks him all kinds of questions about his future, education and feelings for her daughter. She's got a good feeling about him, when suddenly an idea strikes her. To test his courage, she jumps in te river. The young man jumps after her immediately, hauls her out of the river and performs CPR. The elder woman is saved.
The next morning, he finds a beautiful Aston Martin in front of his house, with three gorgeous blonde callgirls seated in it. One of them hands him a card that reads: "With love, your possible mother-in-law."
As this transpires the mother is already testing the second suitor. She again asks a lot of questions, about his future, education, plans, and so on. Once again, she decides to jump in the river to test his courage. The young man hesitates, but then still jumps after her and barely manages to save her life.
The next morning, he finds a classy BMW in front of his house, with a single brunette callgirl seated in it, who gives him a card. It reads: "With love, your possible mother-in-law."
Meanwhile, the mother is taking a walk with the third suitor. She asks him the same questions, and he responds favourably. And when she jumps into the river to further test him, he looks right, looks left, notices nobody's around, and continues the walk. The woman drowns.
The next morning, the third suitor wakes up to find a private jet in his garden, and a whopping number of FIFTEEN gorgeous women walk out. One of them hands him a card.
It reads: "With love, your father-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fpo9k/with_love/
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A married couple goes to a marriage Counsellor to work out some problems.

The Counsellor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, let's talk about something you both have in common."
The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fpno7/a_married_couple_goes_to_a_marriage_counsellor_to/
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Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fpn7r/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_who_couldnt/
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There are 3 Spies that get captured.

One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian.
Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room.
They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.
The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know.
They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.
4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.
The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fpmq9/there_are_3_spies_that_get_captured/
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I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said "thanks!"
I said "don’t mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fpmnx/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_their_room/
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One of my friends likes to try and wind me up with bird puns

I soon realised that toucan play that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fplsl/one_of_my_friends_likes_to_try_and_wind_me_up/
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A woman was cheated on by her husband...

Devastated, she didn't know how to continue living her life.
She heard that there was a very wise old monk who lived up in a mountain and decided to go there to consult him.
After a few days of traveling, walking and climbing, she finally reached the top and met the wise monk.
"I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to supporting him, taking care of him. And now he has left me for a younger women. My life was stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do."
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it.
After she finishes eating, he asks, "Was the cookie delicious?"
"Yes."
"Do you want another one?"
"Sure, please."
The monk looks her in the eyes and says, "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while and then slowly speaks, "I guess human nature is greedy. You get one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanent. We should be aware and not disappointed by that."
The monk shook his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fpgst/a_woman_was_cheated_on_by_her_husband/
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How did the scarecrow get a promotion?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fpef4/how_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
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I was at my 20 year highschool reunion and a friend asked, "If you could have sex with any girl from highschool who would it be?"

I told him I think we are getting a little old for highschool girls, maybe we should date people our own age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fpcgw/i_was_at_my_20_year_highschool_reunion_and_a/
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I was playing charades with a deaf guy

Or as he called it, "having a chat".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fpb4m/i_was_playing_charades_with_a_deaf_guy/
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A woman was being interviewed during a driving test

Officer:  You are driving a car down the road, you      see your husband and your brother crossing the road from opposite lanes.
What will you hit first?
Woman: Husband! My husband!
Officer: This is the third time I'm telling you madam, you hit the brakes first!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fp8xp/a_woman_was_being_interviewed_during_a_driving/
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A joke walks into a bar

The bartender says, "Get out of here, 242! I remember what happened in the comments section last time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fp88e/a_joke_walks_into_a_bar/
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A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fp73z/a_telephone_rang_hello_is_your_phone_number/
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I had a job interview yesterday, I poured myself a glass of water and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fp73k/i_had_a_job_interview_yesterday_i_poured_myself_a/
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I stuck my finger in an outlet today

It really hertz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fp6u1/i_stuck_my_finger_in_an_outlet_today/
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10 year old boy walks on his parent's room while they were having sex

Parents stop and looked, laugh a lot and then carry on
boy leaves the room in disgust.
2 days later, father walks down stairs to find boy on top of grandmother, naked and fucking her ultra hard and fast,
boy turns to father and says "not so funny when it's YOUR mum, IS it?!
EDIT- My English is not that good yet btw anyone cares to PM me the joke with proper punctutation and proper english

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fp6qi/10_year_old_boy_walks_on_his_parents_room_while/
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My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fp5vg/my_wife_hasnt_said_a_word_to_me_in_6_days/
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Job interview:

Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"
Me: "Honesty."
Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Me: "I don't give a fuck what you think".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fp4bq/job_interview/
%
Einstein made a theory about space...

It was about time too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fp18p/einstein_made_a_theory_about_space/
%
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field...

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
Daisy exclaims, "It's true, no bull!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fowz5/two_cows_are_standing_next_to_each_other_in_a/
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There's a bar on top of a really, really tall building and it's very windy outside.

A guy walks into the bar and has some drinks and is there for a few hours.
Another guy comes and sits next to him.
The first guy who has been there for a while looks at the man and says to him, "You know that there is a nice breeze outside and if you jump out it will blow you right back in."
The second guy doesn't agree and tells him to prove it.
So, the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in. The second guy asks him to do it one more time.
So, the first guy jumps out and the nice breeze takes him right back into the bar. At this time the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death.
The bartender turns to the first guy and says, "Superman, you are an asshole when you are drunk!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fowm6/theres_a_bar_on_top_of_a_really_really_tall/
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What does a guy with a big penis have for breakfast?

Well, I had eggs for breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fowey/what_does_a_guy_with_a_big_penis_have_for/
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Bear Attack

An elderly man visits his doctor one day.
"I have some exciting news, Doctor!", exclaimed man, with excitement.
"What is it?", asked his doctor.
"My wife took a pregnancy test last week and, well.. we're expecting a child! Isn't it great!?"
"What!?", expressed the doctor, in confusion. "But your wife is only 32, and you're almost 70!"
"So? What does age matter when there is love between man and his wife?", he said, clearly disappointed and displeased with the doctor's skeptical response. "Besides, I am fully capable of bearing a child, despite my age!"
The doctor thought for a moment before responding to the man's abrupt and defensive tone.
"Well, let me tell you something curious that happened to me the other day.", he said.
"Alright, go on.", responded the old man.
"The rain had just fallen, and I decided that I should take a walk out in the forest like I usually do, what with the air being so clean and the weather being so clear.", began the doctor. "Everything was fine until about an hour into my walk, when I began to hear heavy breathing and rustling of leaves about ten yards ahead of me. Frightened and unsure, I looked around worriedly at my surroundings. In the following moments, from behind a large tree, a black bear emerged!"
"What!? What did you do then?", asked the man, now very engaged in the doctor's story.
"Well, there wasn't much that I could do!", explained the doctor. "I stumbled about for a moment, trying to find something to defend myself with, but by this time the bear had already noticed me.." He paused for a short moment.
"Well, then what?", interjected the man impatiently.
"I remembered that I had taken my umbrella with me, and as I got it out the bear arose on its two hind feet and roared at me! As I calibrated the umbrella in its direction and pushed it open, the booming sound of a gunshot surrounded the forest and everything in it. Miraculously, my umbrella had fired at this bear, and it laid there, lifeless, in front of me!"
The old man looked at the doctor for a moment, and then broke out in a cry of laughter. "Ha! Are you mad!? That's nonsense!", said the man with a smug and clever expression upon his face. "How could your umbrella shoot at that bear? Surely someone else shot it with a rifle at the same moment that you aimed your umbrella!"
"Yeah...", responded the doctor. "You're probably right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fow5o/bear_attack/
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Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:
I like to eat apples. ---> I like to eat commas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fossl/commas_can_change_the_meaning_of_a_sentence/
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What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fosjw/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_is_afraid_of_santa/
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strong password

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5foqg7/strong_password/
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Toothprick

A man goes to a nice bar to have a few drinks to himself and enjoy his Friday evening. At the bar, he meets a gorgeous woman, and they hit it off talking. One thing leads to another, and they find themselves in a nice hotel room, making energetic love to each other.
Afterwards, in bed, the man says:
"That was amazing!"
The woman smiles lightly and says: "You know, I bet I can guess what you do for a living?"
Still basking in the afterglow, the man goes: "Oh?"
"I bet you're a dentist."
Surprised and a bit amazed, because it's spot on, he goes "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am! How did you know?"
She continues: "And I bet most of your patients tell you you're pretty good at your job too, don't they?"
Laughing, he says: "Well, I don't like to brag, but yes, they often do. My patients appreciate me quite a bit. How on Earth did you know?!"
"I didn't feel a thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5foq7y/toothprick/
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What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

a new last name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5foq0k/what_does_a_polish_bride_get_on_her_wedding_night/
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My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fopx1/my_new_thesaurus_is_terrible_not_only_that_but/
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I was thinking about telling a Thailand joke...

But Phucket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fopqx/i_was_thinking_about_telling_a_thailand_joke/
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Crime

A bus conductor was making his rounds for collecting fares. On reaching a mischievous boy, the conductor asked the boy for his fare.
Boy: My name is crime.
Bus Conductor: Who cares?
Boy: Do you know that crime does not pay?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5foo51/crime/
%
I didn't sleep a wink last night because my neighbor was screaming her head off.

I think she doesn't like my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fond2/i_didnt_sleep_a_wink_last_night_because_my/
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Why is it easy to defeat an army of suicide bombers?

There are no experienced ones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fon3a/why_is_it_easy_to_defeat_an_army_of_suicide/
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What word is always spelled incorrectly?

Incorrectly.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fomvp/what_word_is_always_spelled_incorrectly/
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A great joke that only air conditioners will get!

On second thought, I'm not gonna say it. I can already tell you're not a fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5foixh/a_great_joke_that_only_air_conditioners_will_get/
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Asked a hen how many eggs it lays daily?

It said: two eggs
I said: Oh strange!
It said: what's strange? the fact that I lay two eggs?
I said: no, the fact that you talk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5foi2t/asked_a_hen_how_many_eggs_it_lays_daily/
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So there's a serial killer on the loose...

There's a serial killer on the loose in a pretty big city in Southern California. This killer has been at large for some time and has a particularity sadistic method of murdering his victims, he kills them by making thousands of tiny cuts all over their bodies until they pass out from pain and die of blood loss.
The killer made his first strike by killing the coroner in charge of autopsies for the department. And so to investigate, a new coroner and his assistant were brought in from upstate to perform the autopsy. Upon investigation of the body, the new coroner discovered that the cuts were so precise and thin, that they could only have been made with a diamond tipped blade. The coroner remarked to his assistant about the extravagance of the suspected weapon like so, "wow, assistant," he said, "this weapon must have been diamond tipped to make cuts so thin and precise!"
Two days later he was dead.
Upon investigation of THIS coroner's body, the assistant, who was now in charge of autopsies for the department in wake of his boss's death, noticed that the cuts were pretty small and fairly precise, so much so that they could only have been made by an obsidian blade, like a scalpel maybe. He remarked to himself, "Wow, these cuts are fairly precise and pretty small, I can only conclude that an obsidian blade, like a scalpel maybe, was used!"
The next day he was dead.
Upon investigation of HIS body, the chief of police, who was in charge of the autopsy, since they couldn't find anyone more qualified in the area, noticed that the cuts were sort of messy, and had small hints of iron oxide in them. They could only have been make with a rusted blade. He said to his head detective, who was also in the room, "head detective, I'm no expert at autopsies, but I recognize some iron oxide here, and I can only conclude that they must have been made with a rusted blade"
"That's strange," said the head detective, "I thought this killer was using high end blades to do his killing. If this *is* the same killer, why would he be using such poor quality weapons this time?"
"Well," replied the chief, looking up from the body on the table, "I guess he's just cutting coroners"
BONUS FACT: Yes, obsidian blades are used to make some scalpels, obsidian can be cut real thin yo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5foi2c/so_theres_a_serial_killer_on_the_loose/
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Two mexican men fighting

Is also known as a Juan on Juan fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fohtm/two_mexican_men_fighting/
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An old Turkish joke

In a muslim village people were praying in a mosque when suddenly a man with a knife in his hand rushes in and says "i need a muslim man" People were looking at each other and an old man gets up and leaves with the man.
They go to his home and the man says "im going to sacrifice this sheep but i dont know how to do it properly, could you help me?" Old man accepts and they start doing the sacrifice. After a while the old man says" im tired son you better get someone else to help you butcher the meat"
So the man goes back yo the mosque, covered in blood and goes "i need another muslim man." People, terrified and wondering what happened to the old man, turn their eyes to the hodja, who was preaching at that moment. Also frightened, hodja goes" Come on guys, just praying a couple of times doesnt make me a muslim."
PS: Its just a translation guys. i hope it didnt get lost in translation. Btw hodja is the man who guides people while praying, like a priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fohfa/an_old_turkish_joke/
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I felt a rush of culture shock wash over me as I walked through a middle eastern market

It was bazaar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5foduf/i_felt_a_rush_of_culture_shock_wash_over_me_as_i/
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The transcriber of the book of Revelations misheard the Angel Gabriel

The world isn't going to end with trumpets.
It's going to end with Trump/Pence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5focef/the_transcriber_of_the_book_of_revelations/
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A rather drunk fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.

'Excuse me,' said the woman sitting next to him. "But, would you mind explaining why you're doing this?
"It scares away the elephants,' replied the drunk. "But I don't see any elephants around here,' said the woman
"Effective, isn't it?" crowed the drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fo6sc/a_rather_drunk_fellow_on_a_bus_was_tearing_up_a/
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Policeman stops priest on the bike...

Policeman: Hello father. Your light isn't working. That will be 20$.
Priest: Don't worry mister, i'm not in danger. Jesus is always with me.
Policeman: Sorry father. Then the fine is 40$ because two persons are not allowed to ride a bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fo6gv/policeman_stops_priest_on_the_bike/
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What is Atheism?

A non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fo24u/what_is_atheism/
%
That's a nice sham-wow you got there...

It would be a shame if someone replaced the wow with the letter e

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fo0pj/thats_a_nice_shamwow_you_got_there/
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The British at University

A famous scientist, Arnold Nijmegen, was on his way to a lecture in yet another university, this one in Aberdeen, Scotland, when his chauffeur offered an idea.
'Tell you what, sir, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.'
'Sounds great,' the Nijmegen responded.
When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and settled into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
'Yes,' said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question.  The chauffeur, panic stricken for a moment, quickly recovered. 'Ah, professor now that's an easy one,' he replied, 'in fact, it's so easy, I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fnxe7/the_british_at_university/
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What's the biggest city in the United States?

Obesity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fnuzn/whats_the_biggest_city_in_the_united_states/
%
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole

... I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fnuqb/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole/
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What do you call a Radioactive Dine-and-Dasher?

A Cher-No-Bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fnsuf/what_do_you_call_a_radioactive_dineanddasher/
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A Nazi walks into a BAR...

Browning automatic rifle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fns66/a_nazi_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I just starred in a movie about a guy who sells car parts

Don't worry, I won't give away any spoilers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fnrav/i_just_starred_in_a_movie_about_a_guy_who_sells/
%
A girl comes crying into her mother's home

and says "He dumped me, I guess I'll never have sex with a boy again". Her mother asks the girl to follow her to the bathroom. From a hidden cupboard, she pulls out a pink dildo and gives it to her.
The girl angrily says "A dildo? I have to use a stupid toy to please me?"
"Its a magic dildo dear," says her mom calmly "just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to please you and it will do the job."
So the girl goes to her house and says "Great Magic Dildo vagina." The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears her underwear and rapidly penetrates her pussy, exciting her like no man has. It makes her cum harder than ever before. The girl is very pleased and tired. She lies down on the floor holding the dildo in awe when her ex-boyfriend comes barging in and says "Hey listen, I want to talk to yo-what are you holding??"
"Its a Great Magic Dildo."
Laughing, he says "Yeah great magic dildo my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fnr9n/a_girl_comes_crying_into_her_mothers_home/
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I love the English cricket team....

The thinnest guy is called broad, ugliest guy is called swann, slowest fielder is trott, guy who is 'behind' the stumps is called prior, and guy whose father's name is john is called peter-son. And the guy who is named Monty goes in with his clothes on.
No doubt, this Cricket team deserves to be led by a Cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fnqmv/i_love_the_english_cricket_team/
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Was out on the trusty steed this evening, riding through the woods...

Suddenly we came to a stop and he began to nibble on some weeds. I decided not to protest until I realized he was eating what appeared to be a pot plant. He began to wobble a little and I couldn't help but think, I probably need to get off my high horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fnpzs/was_out_on_the_trusty_steed_this_evening_riding/
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I've never met a full on jew

They were all just sort of jew-ish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fnmew/ive_never_met_a_full_on_jew/
%
What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

The number of followers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fnkvp/whats_the_difference_between_a_religion_and_a_cult/
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A man takes home a prostitute

After they get back, she starts undressing him, first starting with the socks.
Once she gets them off, she sees that his toes are all mangled. She asks the man what happened and he replies, "When I was a child I had toelio"
The prostitute asks, "Do you mean Polio?"
He assures her it was toelio.
She then takes off his pants and sees that his knees are also disfigured. She, again, asks what happened. He replies, "I also had the kneasles"
"You mean measles?"
"No, I'm quite certain it was the kneasles."
She shrugs and continues on because she's thinking, "Hey, at least I'm getting paid."
Finally she takes off his underwear and frowns.
"I see you suffered from small cox too."
First r/Jokes post; hope you liked it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fnhxo/a_man_takes_home_a_prostitute/
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I finally got around to watching Dr Strange

It was about time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fngt5/i_finally_got_around_to_watching_dr_strange/
%
A teenage girl came home

from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come
up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth
out?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fnds6/a_teenage_girl_came_home/
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3 great kings

Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?"
Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fncxn/3_great_kings/
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How do you make...

How do you make a dead baby float?
With a scoop of ice cream.
How do you make a dead baby shake?
Cup of milk
2 cups of fruit
A dead baby and a blender
How do you make a dead baby split?
A sharp axe and a strong swing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fncr0/how_do_you_make/
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Hypothetically

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically,so he asked his dad.
His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000."
He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".
"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."
He did and came back and said, "She said yes."
And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."
He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"
And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fncgg/hypothetically/
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I went out drinking last Friday and took a bus home.

That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fnbh7/i_went_out_drinking_last_friday_and_took_a_bus/
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What do you call a Nazi doctor that served in WWII and only took animal patients?

A Veteran Aryan Veterinarian!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fnb39/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_doctor_that_served_in/
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LGBTQ stands for...

LGBTQ stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and I think... queer, which is strange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fn89z/lgbtq_stands_for/
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Based on statistics

The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style...
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fn75x/based_on_statistics/
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How to be rich for the rest of your life...

Legally change your name to "Rich"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fn6nj/how_to_be_rich_for_the_rest_of_your_life/
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What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fn2sf/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_a_rectal/
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A boy was eating chocolate...

A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said
"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"
"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.
"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously
"No. He knew how to mind his own business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fn1ng/a_boy_was_eating_chocolate/
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I finally got tinder

And after a few matches, I was able to start a campfire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fmymk/i_finally_got_tinder/
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What do you call a couple of clowns having sex?

A funny bone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fmvhy/what_do_you_call_a_couple_of_clowns_having_sex/
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fmtna/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
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Why did the bear beat his wife, eat their children and leave for the arctic?

Because he was bipolar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fmm4g/why_did_the_bear_beat_his_wife_eat_their_children/
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So I'm dating this half-Korean girl...

Her mother's Korean, her father's Korean, and her legs got ripped off in a car accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fmknc/so_im_dating_this_halfkorean_girl/
%
Why does the Mexican guy takes xanax?

For hispanic attacks...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fmhkx/why_does_the_mexican_guy_takes_xanax/
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A man is lying on the beach

sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..."
He replies "If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fmhfi/a_man_is_lying_on_the_beach/
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The husband of the woman next door died.

After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her home.
The neighbors next door politely ignored her crying, trying their best to respect her grieving. However, their seven year old son was perplexed by her behavior.
One day, while waiting for the bus, the boy saw the widow doing her usual wailing. Overcome with curiosity, he walked over to her and tugged on her sleeve.
"Ma'am, why are you sad?"
She looked at him, wiping tears from her eyes. "My dear husband passed away."
"Yes, but why are you always crying this early in the day?"
"I guess I'm just a mourning person."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fmh50/the_husband_of_the_woman_next_door_died/
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Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.
The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.
The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush stroke but realizes, to his horror, that he completely forgot what Hungary's flag looks like.
He tries desperately to remember, but before he can even paint the thirty minutes is up.
The professor walks over to judge the quality of each artist's work.  He seems impressed by the first two, but is visibly stunned upon seeing the third student's painting.
The third student, utterly ashamed, is about to explain why he didn't paint anything.  To his surprise, the professor's worrying expression morphs into tears of joy, and triumphantly declares the third student the winner.
In the midst of the crowds resounding cheers, the flabbergasted student asks the professor "Why?  I didn't even paint anything!"
The professor just laughs and proudly replies "Don't be so humble!  This is the best painting of the French flag I've *ever seen*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fmh4i/three_americans_are_competing_to_paint_a_foreign/
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Why do french people love to eat snails?

Because they can't stand fast food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fmgo8/why_do_french_people_love_to_eat_snails/
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I wrote a song about a tortilla...

Actually, it's more of a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fmfaz/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
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Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels?

He had a bounty on his head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fmf2p/did_you_hear_about_the_cowboy_who_wore_a_hat_made/
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How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "Unionize".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fma0a/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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Once you've seen one shopping centre...

You've seen the mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fm9o2/once_youve_seen_one_shopping_centre/
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I got told off for masturbating at the gun range.

We had very different interpretations of shooting from the hip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fm8ie/i_got_told_off_for_masturbating_at_the_gun_range/
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fm7qg/why_didnt_the_skeleton_cross_the_road/
%
Why didn't Hitler take a taxi?

He was more of an Ubermensch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fm6hh/why_didnt_hitler_take_a_taxi/
%
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows

"Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fm5mb/a_mans_walking_home_late_at_night_when_he_sees_a/
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United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fm5jb/united_states/
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Religion is like a penis

Its okay to have one... But problems arise when to you force it down someones throats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fm4y7/religion_is_like_a_penis/
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Today I had a fortune cookie that had no fortune inside...

...it was very unfortunate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fm4gr/today_i_had_a_fortune_cookie_that_had_no_fortune/
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What was Stalin's favorite chemical equation?

HAmAr + SiCl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fm3gr/what_was_stalins_favorite_chemical_equation/
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My parole officer said “You know who you hurt the most when you go joyriding?”

“Joy’s husband.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fm15r/my_parole_officer_said_you_know_who_you_hurt_the/
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Hair between the legs

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fm0oo/hair_between_the_legs/
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Force Awakens joke my 9yo made up

What did Poe ask Finn when they went fishing?
"Do you know how to tie a fly tighter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fm0e4/force_awakens_joke_my_9yo_made_up/
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While watching tv

With his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.
Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head.
The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.
His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."
The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fm041/while_watching_tv/
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A man escapes from prison

Where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flzga/a_man_escapes_from_prison/
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What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheel chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flzct/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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3 sisters decided to get married

on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flz3b/3_sisters_decided_to_get_married/
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How did 70 Brazilian people die in a plane crash today...

...if the world only has 7 billion?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flxkr/how_did_70_brazilian_people_die_in_a_plane_crash/
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Seven Horse Jokes

Q Why was the young horse confused?
A He wasn't foal-ly aware of what was going on.
Q Why wouldn't that horse want to date the other horse?
A He didn't want to be a-filly-ated with her
Q Why did the horse need cough syrup?
A It caught a colt.
Q What was the lady-horse's favorite song?
A Marey had a Little Lamb
Q Why did the seller make the buyer use coins for the horse?
A It was a Quarter horse.
Q Why did the horse examin his food before he ate it?
A It was a Thorough Bread.
Q Why did the government detain the immigrant horse?
A It was an Arabian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flwzm/seven_horse_jokes/
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What's the average lifespan of an owl?

About 6 and a half books

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flwvw/whats_the_average_lifespan_of_an_owl/
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Paradise

A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy." "Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise." And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flwnb/paradise/
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What's worse then waking up to find a man in your bed?

Finding half a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flvej/whats_worse_then_waking_up_to_find_a_man_in_your/
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My grandmother always says, "live life to the fullest each and every day because tomorrow you could walk out your front door and be hit by a bus."

She's a bus driver though, so I'm not really sure what to make of this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flvdr/my_grandmother_always_says_live_life_to_the/
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I call my Asian friend Spongebob

Because he's yellow and can't drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flur4/i_call_my_asian_friend_spongebob/
%
Me and my son were arguing about him wanting a tattoo

If anyone out there is considering it, please don’t. They cost a lot of money, hurt like hell and you’re stuck with it for a long time after.
Same goes for the tattoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flsds/me_and_my_son_were_arguing_about_him_wanting_a/
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What is the hardest part about admitting you are a gay lion?

Having to swallow your pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flrup/what_is_the_hardest_part_about_admitting_you_are/
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Which color confuses an idiot?

Blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flp3o/which_color_confuses_an_idiot/
%
God asked St Peter why he let the last three men into heaven....

God says: "Why did you let the priest who stole from the church in?"
Saint Peter says: "The priest showed letters from the congregation documenting how he spent his last 30 years not only paying back triple what he took, but serving the church for no compensation. He has repented."
Then God asked: "Ok, but why let in the murderer?
Saint Peter said: "The man showed proof that the person killed was secretly a child molester who was abusing his three underage daughters,  and then got away with it when he forced them to lie in court about it. He was justified"
God says: "OK, but what about the guy you just let in who never believed in me? I saw him come up to you and you let him in after he just showed you his hand. What could he possibly have shown you to keep from being sent to Satan? "
Saint Peter says: "There's nothing I could do.  When I saw his wedding ring, I realized something.  He had already spent an eternity in hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flomo/god_asked_st_peter_why_he_let_the_last_three_men/
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How did George Bush get Afghanistan pregnant?

He never pulled out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flngc/how_did_george_bush_get_afghanistan_pregnant/
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An Email from heaven

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an email to his wife.
However he accidently typed the wrong e-mail address and without realizing his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile, somewhere in Mumbai a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting message from her relatives and friends.; After reading the first message she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I’ve just reached
Date: 13th oct 2006
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to sent e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flkz2/an_email_from_heaven/
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What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver??

Golfer goes.. whack!... SHIT!!
Skydiver goes... SHIT!!.... Whack!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flk1d/whats_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
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Just changed my Facebook name to ‘benefits’

so when you add me it says ‘You are now friends with benefits’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flf2m/just_changed_my_facebook_name_to_benefits/
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I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out

I ask the guy who is running the gym,
“Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5flb8t/i_walked_into_the_gym_and_see_a_bunch_of_ladies/
%
Just had the following conversation in court

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks, I’m outta here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fl95e/just_had_the_following_conversation_in_court/
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The sandbox

A young girl and a young boy are playing in the sandbox. The little girl, wanting to impress the little boy, proceeded to let out a little fart. A small *poof* of sand pops up behind her and the little boy giggles. But, being the kid he was, wanted to show off his own ability and made a bigger poof. The girl laughed and then said "Ya well watch this!" she proceeded to cover the boy with sand. The boy confused by all this said "What are you packing under there?" So he moved and lifted up her dress. He leaned back and nodded "Ah okay, double barrel shotgun, no wonder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fl952/the_sandbox/
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The world has changed so much...

You can't say' "black paint" anymore.
You have to say, "Tyrone, please paint the fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fl8i2/the_world_has_changed_so_much/
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Why are teenage girls so odd?

Because they can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fl5qw/why_are_teenage_girls_so_odd/
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A teacher is going over vocabulary in a single classroom school in rural Ireland.

A teacher is going over vocabulary words in a rural town in Ireland.
She asks the class if they have any big words to share, and little Mary-Anne raises her hand.
"Yes Mary-Anne, what's you vocabulary word?" Asks the teacher.
"Contagious" says little Mary-Anne.
"Thank you, Mary-Anne." Says the teacher, writing the word "Contagious" on the blackboard. "And can you use it in a sentence?"
"Well just this morning," says Mary-Anne, "Me and me pappy were drivin' to school when we saw Molly's mother paintin' her fence, and me pappy says 'It'll take that contagious to finish that paintin' that fence.'"
(Props to u/toraden for reminding me of this one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fl2zz/a_teacher_is_going_over_vocabulary_in_a_single/
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fl2kj/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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The police came to my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes

My dogs don't even have bikes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fl1ce/the_police_came_to_my_door_and_told_me_my_dogs/
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In Heaven, the angels asked God where he would spend his next vacation.

Definitely not earth, God said.   Last time I went there, I got a girl pregnant and they still haven't stopped taking about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fkzpq/in_heaven_the_angels_asked_god_where_he_would/
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A masochist, a sadist, a necrophile and a pyromaniac are walking down the street.

They see a cat.
Sadist: "God, I just wanna tear this cat to shreads, and have his blood all over the place."
Pyromaniac: "Yea, and after that we can set his pieces on fire!"
Necrophile: "And after that maybe we can take the ashes and make sweet sweet love to them?"
Masochist: "Meow..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fky9z/a_masochist_a_sadist_a_necrophile_and_a/
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Everyone has these expansive bucket lists

Mine is a little pail in comparison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fky89/everyone_has_these_expansive_bucket_lists/
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CNN & NBC news report (political humor)

*Breaking news*
A man has killed twenty people today in a walmart with a gun. The man has been identified as muhammed takbir muhammed. He is an unemployed son of a family that immigrated to the united states ten years ago from Afghanistan.
Multiple witnesses say the man was yelling "Allah Akbar" and "Death to Infidels" while shooting people before police came and killed the man.
It is troubling that the man was killed because without questioning him we may never be know the motive for this tragic workplace violence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fkwo9/cnn_nbc_news_report_political_humor/
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Why did the guitarist get life in prison?

He fingered a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fkunm/why_did_the_guitarist_get_life_in_prison/
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When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic.

But when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fku7j/when_i_drink_alcohol_everyone_says_im_an_alcoholic/
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Diarrhea is actually genetic.

It's in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fksbw/diarrhea_is_actually_genetic/
%
I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fkrj1/i_once_thought_i_had_a_japanese_friend/
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"Awww... your baby is cute!"

...I said to a woman with a stroller one day.
"How old is he?" I asked.
"Well, my friend, little Johnny here is 18 months old!" she replied, motioning to her baby. "Also, I'm sorry to bother you, but what time is it?"
"Sure. It's eighty-three thousand, four hundred thirty-two seconds past midnight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fkpvn/awww_your_baby_is_cute/
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The US government has been trying to get rid of Fidel Castro for 50 years.

Trump gets elected, and Castro is dead within 3 weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fkmkf/the_us_government_has_been_trying_to_get_rid_of/
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Me: "You remind me of the 20 letters in the alphabet"

Girl: "aren't there 26 letters in the alphabet?"
Me: "you're right, how could I forget. U R A Q T.
Girl: "aw, cute, but that's still only 25"
Me: "that's right, you can get the D later"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fkjtt/me_you_remind_me_of_the_20_letters_in_the_alphabet/
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Money is really tight this year...

My family has decided that we are going to exchange glances for Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fkj40/money_is_really_tight_this_year/
%
What's worse than seeing your dad's penis?

Seeing your mum's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fkctp/whats_worse_than_seeing_your_dads_penis/
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A taxi driver speeds through a red light without even looking

And the passenger says, "whoa, what are you doing?! That was a red!"
The driver replies, "don't worry about it. My cousin, he does it all the time."
The passenger sits back until the driver blows through another red. He practically leaps out of his seat, "what are you doing?! You'll get us killed!"
The driver waves him off, "nonsense. My cousin, he does it all the time."
Then they come to a green light and the driver slams on the brakes and creeps into the intersection before taking off again. Now the passenger is livid.
"What was that?! That light was green!"
The driver nods and then shrugs before replying.
"My cousin. He mighta been coming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fk9dy/a_taxi_driver_speeds_through_a_red_light_without/
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Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope.

Southern Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fk7jv/jews_dont_recognize_jesus_protestants_dont/
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Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fk4rs/patient_doctor_i_have_a_pain_in_my_eye_whenever_i/
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Ni Ka Sai!

An Important rep goes to Japan to meet potential customers.
he takes them out to a local golf course for a round of golf.
when they start off on the first hole, our Rep makes a huge miss and ends up on the 18th hole green. not only that its a Hole in one!
all the japanese customers playing with him cheer and laugh while saying "Ni Ka Sai! Ni Ka Sai! Ni Ka Sai!"
the salesmen laughs along and asks naively
"what does "ni ka sai" mean? The hooker i was with yesterday night kept Screaming that the more i gave it to her. i couldnt tell if she liked it or not but the harder i gave it the more she screamed it. she seemed to like it. so i really gave it to her!"
one of the customer quickly replies
"sir, ni ka sai, means wrong hole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fk4ke/ni_ka_sai/
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The past, the present and the future walked into a bar...

And it was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fk4ct/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walked_into_a/
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I went to the local swimming pool today...

And I asked the receptionist, "How much for 2 children?"
She replied, "$9.50."
"Awesome!" I said. "Do I get to choose or is it a lucky dip?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fk48c/i_went_to_the_local_swimming_pool_today/
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A woman dies on her wedding day

George and Martha had dated all through high school and were deeply in love.  Martha knew that George was "the one", but she wanted to save herself for marriage.  After they graduated high school the big wedding day arrived.  After the ceremony they left the church and were driving to the airport for their honeymoon in Paris when the car hit an icy patch and slammed into a tree.
Martha awoke in a beautiful hotel suite with a well-dressed young man standing at the foot of her bed.  She began to panic, but the young man spoke.  "Please be calm, Martha.  I have terrible and wonderful news.  The terrible news is that you were killed in an automobile accident.  The wonderful news is that you were such a perfect Christian, you are now in heaven reliving your perfect day.  By the way, I'm Jesus Christ, and I'll be your hotel concierge for eternity."
He walked to the window and pulled the shade, revealing a stunning view of the Paris skyline.  The Eiffel Tower dominated the view from the window.  "Every day you will celebrate your honeymoon.  The entire city of Paris is open to your every whim."
"That's wonderful," Martha replied, "but what about George?  It wouldn't be the same without him here."
"George survived the accident, so he's still on Earth.  Of course he's grieving for you terribly, but he's scheduled to have a long and healthy life.  When he passes you'll be able to spend eternity with each other.  Oh, and don't worry, he will remain loyal to you to his dying day."
"Well, Heaven won't be perfect without him," Martha thought, "but at least I'll be able to pass my days in paradise.  And when he does die, we'll be able to spend eternity together."
Days turned to months, and months turned into years.  Martha explored every nook and cranny of this Paradise Paris.  The people were friendly, everybody wore berets, and baguettes and fine wine were available on every corner.  She knew this wasn't what Paris was really like, but she assumed that since this was her ideal version, it would be as she wanted it to be.
After a few months she started noticing hairs on the pillow next to her when she would awaken.  Each day there were more and more hairs.  Curious, she hit the call button on her phone and Jesus walked in the door.  "What seems to be the matter, Mrs. Wilson?"
"Nothing's the matter, really; I'm just curious about something."  She indicated the hairs on the pillow of her bed.
"Oh yes, Mrs. Wilson," Jesus said.  "You see, your husband is suffering from premature baldness.  The hair you are seeing is the part of him that is no longer alive, and it is showing up in heaven.  When he arrives the hair will be back on his head, and he'll have the luxurious mane you remembered him for."
Martha thought about George losing his hair and hoped that it wouldn't adversely affect him in life.  She closed her eyes and uttered a silent prayer that his friends and business associates would not look down on him due to the loss of his locks.
Jesus (because he was Jesus) heard her silent prayer.  He put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.  "I assure you, Mrs. Wilson, that George will not only suffer no negative effects from his hair loss, but he'll appear quite distinguished.  If anything, this will help him in life.  If you would like, I can take the hair away and put it in storage until the Big Day."
"No, that's all right," Martha stated.  "Just leave it in a dish by the bedside so that when I feel lonely I can run my hands through his hair."
Several more months passed.  One day Martha awoke to feel something under the covers at the foot of the bed.  She pulled back the sheets and was astonished to find two human toes laying there.  She screamed.
Jesus rushed through the door.  "What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Wilson?"
"There are two toes in my bed!"
"Oh yes, Mrs. Wilson.  My apologies, I should have mentioned this before.  Last night, George's car broke down in the middle of the woods and he was forced to hike for several miles in the snow before he was found.  As a result he contracted frostbite in the two small toes of his left foot.  I assure you, however, that he's expected to make a full recovery."
Martha closed her eyes and uttered a silent prayer that George would not suffer unduly.
Jesus (because he was Jesus) heard her silent prayer.  He put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.  "I assure you, Mrs. Wilson, that George will be perfectly fine.  He will have to walk with a cane, but there are no other negative effects.  Also I should mention that every day he pines for you, and he has remained constant and loyal all these years.  If you would like, I can take these toes away and put them in storage until the Big Day."
Martha agreed, and Jesus brushed the toes into his hand and stepped out of the door.
Years passed.  One day Martha awoke and noticed that there was a giant mound under the blankets next to her.  She pulled back the sheets and was aghast to discover a human pelvis laying in the bed.  She screamed.
Jesus rushed through the door.  "What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Wilson?"
"There's a... pelvis in my bed!"
"Oh yes, Mrs. Wilson.  I'm sorry to inform you that your dear George was taking a shower yesterday when he slipped and fell, shattering his pelvis.  However he's been fitted with a prosthetic hip and is expected to make a full recovery, and still has several long productive years on earth.  And every day he pines for you."
Martha closed her eyes and uttered a silent prayer.  Jesus (because he was Jesus) heard the prayer.
*"Penis cancer.  Penis cancer.  Penis cancer."*
[**NOTE:** I don't know if it's funny but at least it's original.  I came up with it in the shower this morning.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fk12h/a_woman_dies_on_her_wedding_day/
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Bobo the clown has died.

His shoes will be hard to fill...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fk0t9/bobo_the_clown_has_died/
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Jokes are like topsoil

I make my own, but it's mostly recycled shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fk0pl/jokes_are_like_topsoil/
%
And God created woman.

And she was good. And she had two arms, two legs and three breasts. God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed. God removed her middle breast. And it was good. She stood there with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with this useless boob?
And God created man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjzak/and_god_created_woman/
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USA elected a billionaire that is appointing other billionaires to fix the system that made them billionaires

I laughed so hard thinking about this on the dinner table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjxye/usa_elected_a_billionaire_that_is_appointing/
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Excuse me, do you really need glasses...

or are they just for looks?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjxld/excuse_me_do_you_really_need_glasses/
%
There was a string of murders recently in Madrid

Every week, on a Sunday, a body of a prostitute would be found disemboweled in an alley way. After a few weeks, the local investigators determined it was indeed a serial murder. Further investigation showed that each murder occurred exactly a kilometer away from a seedy inn, known for having an abrasive owner. Upon questioning the owner, his wife quickly lead them to their bedroom, showing him the bloody knife hidden under their matress. They promptly arrested the inn owner and began the trial. It seemed open and shut, up until the  wife took the stand. She broke down in tears, confessing being unfaithful to her husband and pinning the murders on him. As it turned out- this was a plot to get rid of her husband run away with her lover, the actual killer, a doctor who had taken up residence in the inn. After the reveal, everyone was shocked. But why wouldn't they be?
Nobody expects the Spanish Inn-Physician!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjx3n/there_was_a_string_of_murders_recently_in_madrid/
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[Blonde] Three women were stranded on an island

One was a red-head, the other is a brunette and the last one was a blonde. They all have a plan to swim back to the nearest city which was 50km away. The red-head goes first, swims for 7km and drowns. Then the brunette went ahead and swam next. She swam for 17km and drowned. The last one left was the blonde, she swam for a total of 30km, got tired and swam back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjvx7/blonde_three_women_were_stranded_on_an_island/
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What's gambling like in heaven?

It's a pair-a-dice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjqdj/whats_gambling_like_in_heaven/
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When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day. Who am I to argue?

So I thanked him and went back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjoeg/when_i_greeted_my_boss_in_the_morning_he_told_me/
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The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.  They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddybears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It's obvious that he has taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. She's immediately touched by the amount of thought he put into organizing the display.
There are small bears all alongThe bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and Huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She finds it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.  She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but don't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking.  After awhile, she finds herself thinking,  "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!  Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.  They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjm03/the_sensitive_man/
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A blonde woman decides to start a handyman service to make some extra money.

She walks around a wealthy neighbourhood and walks up to the first house.
A man answers the door and she asks if there is anything she can do. He tells her "The porch needs painting, how much would that cost?"
She replies "How does $50 sound?" He agrees and she gets to work.
When the man goes back into his house his wife asks him "Does she know the porch wraps around the house?" He tells her "She has to, she saw it."
About an hour later she comes to the door to collect her money. She says "I had extra paint so I put on two coats." The man is really impressed and gives her the money. She thanks him and says "And by the way, it's a BMW, not a porch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjjcw/a_blonde_woman_decides_to_start_a_handyman/
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I wanted to make a joke about chemistry,

but all the good ones Argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjil5/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_chemistry/
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My wife asked me to go out and get something that makes her look pretty.

So I went out and got drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjhy3/my_wife_asked_me_to_go_out_and_get_something_that/
%
Knock-knock.

("Who's there?")
Control freak. Now say "Control freak who?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjgml/knockknock/
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Some scientists believe the ability to create language was because we ate so much meat as primates.

That's why vegans can only say "i'm vegan".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjfjm/some_scientists_believe_the_ability_to_create/
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My wife is talking about wanting to have children.

I don't think I am ready for her to be a single mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjf9r/my_wife_is_talking_about_wanting_to_have_children/
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A good way to start a conversation is 'What's your favorite color'. A good way to end a conversation is

What's your favourite colour of a person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjeun/a_good_way_to_start_a_conversation_is_whats_your/
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Do you know who I saw yesterday?

Everyone I looked at

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjeaj/do_you_know_who_i_saw_yesterday/
%
A baby seal

walks into a club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjdt0/a_baby_seal/
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What's worse than being a tanning salon owner in Africa?

Being a Somali Uber driver in Columbus, Ohio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjdh9/whats_worse_than_being_a_tanning_salon_owner_in/
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How does a Chinese cat say hello?

Mi Hao.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjd9v/how_does_a_chinese_cat_say_hello/
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On a perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice?

So... Can I come inside?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fjafp/on_a_perfect_date_what_question_do_you_ask_a_girl/
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What Do You Call IDubbbz When He is Angry?

Osteoferocious!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fj9qb/what_do_you_call_idubbbz_when_he_is_angry/
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How do deaf mathematicians communicate?

Through sine language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fj83m/how_do_deaf_mathematicians_communicate/
%
I'm thinking of changing career and becoming a professional circumciser. . .

The pay is lousy,  but I hear you get plenty of tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fj4u7/im_thinking_of_changing_career_and_becoming_a/
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Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fj0d2/why_did_the_console_peasant_cross_the_road/
%
Don't commit suicide!

It's illegal to destroy government property.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fiy2u/dont_commit_suicide/
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A state trooper pulls over a priest

. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fivsi/a_state_trooper_pulls_over_a_priest/
%
Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well?

He should have been attending to the sick and left the well alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fisoa/did_you_hear_about_the_doctor_who_fell_into_a_well/
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An astronomy teacher prepared two boxes filled with joke cards. The first box was designed with asteroids and the second one with comets. He then let one of this students pick a box...

The student picked the one designed with asteroids. He pick one card and read the joke out loud to the class. The class, however, doesn't find the joke funny. Seeing this, the professor made the student pick another card on the same box. Same thing happened. The confused student look at his teacher and said,
"Sir, I think there is no funny joke in this asteroid box."
The teacher then replied,
"Hmmmm..That's strange. I guess the real joke is in the comets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5firv3/an_astronomy_teacher_prepared_two_boxes_filled/
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My doctor told me to start killing people.

Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fipyz/my_doctor_told_me_to_start_killing_people/
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Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son.

Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fipnq/michael_jackson_is_walking_out_from_the_operating/
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A gorgeous blonde is trying to board a city bus...

but her dress is so tight, it won't allow her to lift her leg high enough to reach the first step. She reaches back and unzips the dress a few inches to allow more flexibility. She tries again, but it still isn't enough. She unzips a little more, starting to worry that she'll give the people behind her a show, but it still isn't enough. She reaches back and unzips a third time, but before she can try the step a man behind her gently wraps his arms around her waist and lifts her onto the bus. She turns around, "What gives you the right to hug me!?!?!" and launches into a tirade about the oppression of women by the patriarchy. The man calmly waits for her to finish and replies, "Well, sweetheart, after you undid my fly for the third time, I figured we were close enough friends for me to lift you on to the bus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fipjh/a_gorgeous_blonde_is_trying_to_board_a_city_bus/
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What do you call a cheap male prostitute?

A five dollar footlong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fiovk/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_male_prostitute/
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What happens when a pizzaman does an AMA on Reddit?

OP delivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fin0g/what_happens_when_a_pizzaman_does_an_ama_on_reddit/
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Why Did The Ginger Buy a Kia?

So he could have a soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5filx2/why_did_the_ginger_buy_a_kia/
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How do you propose to a stoner?

Marriage, you wanna?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5filse/how_do_you_propose_to_a_stoner/
%
How much do Americans like racist jokes?

Enough to make one President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5filqx/how_much_do_americans_like_racist_jokes/
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My GF passed away...

and I wake up every day with mourning wood now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fil85/my_gf_passed_away/
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Chemistry Joke

So a Physicist, Chemist and Biologist walk down the beach to the ocean. They stand together and watch the waves as the water splashes up to meet their feet. "Look at those waves, the shear crushing weight of the water powered by tidal forces! I must study them further!" Says the Physicist, as he walked out into the water, never to be seen again. "All that life in the ocean, from the smallest plankton to the giant whales! I must study them further!" The Biologist says as he wades into the waves, never to be seen again. The Chemist watches the waves for a couple more minutes, checks his watch, pulls out a pad of paper and writes: Physicists and Biologists are soluble in seawater... clicks his pen and walks home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fiksc/chemistry_joke/
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A paranoid man stays at a hotel,

As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fijxq/a_paranoid_man_stays_at_a_hotel/
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Everyone in this reddit likes the same food?

Copy Pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fiizx/everyone_in_this_reddit_likes_the_same_food/
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I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fih8a/i_asked_a_genie_for_the_ability_to_shoot/
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this harambe joke is getting too long already...

...can't someone just kill it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5figxj/this_harambe_joke_is_getting_too_long_already/
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1984 is a great work of literature.

I think all kids should be forced to read it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fif3o/1984_is_a_great_work_of_literature/
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What Did the Muslim Terrorist Say?

Who you gota blow to get some virgins around here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fieg1/what_did_the_muslim_terrorist_say/
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I liked baseball as a child.

when i was very young me and my family moved from India to america so we could live a better life. upon arrival i fell in love with the sport of baseball as it was much like cricket i had played back in my home country. at a baseball game i went up to one of the players and told him how big of a fan i was he and the entire team sign a bat and gave it to me, i cherished it forever but eventually had to store it in my basement. when i was cleaning out the house many years later i found it in the corner i couldn't believe my eyes. i rushed up the stairs to the basement eager to play a game with it but as i reached the top of the stairs i could smell something horrible and as i turned around i noticed a large amount of a sticky milk like substance.
and that's when i learned what happens when you take bat out of basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ficl9/i_liked_baseball_as_a_child/
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What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ficgo/whats_the_difference_between_hungry_and_horny/
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The Mop Bucket

A drunk gets up from the bar to take a leak.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fi9vn/the_mop_bucket/
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I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night

Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fi8tq/i_went_to_my_first_fight_club_meeting_last_night/
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My buddy went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...

Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said "Hang on pal, I've only just finished his turban."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fi8nm/my_buddy_went_to_get_a_tattoo_of_an_indian_on_his/
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A man walked into a ladies department

A man walked in to a ladies department walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" Inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look around", said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material.
"Actually, even with all of these variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the sales clerk. Confused, the man asked what the types were.
The saleslady replied, "The catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It's all really quite simple. The catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fi8ja/a_man_walked_into_a_ladies_department/
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There once was a plumber named Leigh

Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said, "stop your plumbing," "I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing
"...it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fi8b2/there_once_was_a_plumber_named_leigh/
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I was visiting my daughter last night and asked if I could borrow the newspaper...

"This is the 21st Century". She said
"We don't waste money on newspapers, here use this iPad."
All I can tell you is this.
That fly never knew what hit him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fi6nj/i_was_visiting_my_daughter_last_night_and_asked/
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Just heard 80's singer Enya has bought hew own Rugby Union team.

Their next 3 fixtures are now:
Sale (A)
Sale (A)
Sale (A)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fi0nl/just_heard_80s_singer_enya_has_bought_hew_own/
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What's worse than having a girlfriend without tits?

Having tits, and no girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhys9/whats_worse_than_having_a_girlfriend_without_tits/
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A cop pulls a car over for going 35 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 35 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 35!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 150."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhyg4/a_cop_pulls_a_car_over_for_going_35_mph_on_the/
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A cop stops a man for running a red light and asks for his license.

Man: "Don't have one".
Cop: "Show me registrations."
Man: "Don't have 'em."
Cop: "Show me a proof of insurance."
Man: "Don't have that one either."
Cop: "Show me your ID."
Man: "Nope, don't have it."
Cop: "Well, then I am going to have to call an officer to arrest you."
When the officer arrives he asks the driver for the documents and he shows them to him, one by one - license, registrations, proof of insurance and an ID.
Officer: "Well then, why did the cop tell me you don't have any documents?"
Man: "Hell should I know? Maybe he's crazy. Soon he'll say I ran a red light haha!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhur6/a_cop_stops_a_man_for_running_a_red_light_and/
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Mom: Son, why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends!

Son: Well, would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?
Mom: Of course not!
Son: Well, neither would he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhu9y/mom_son_why_dont_you_talk_to_steven_anymore_you/
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Couple wants to get married in heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhtys/couple_wants_to_get_married_in_heaven/
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What do you call cheap circumcision?

A ripoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhtog/what_do_you_call_cheap_circumcision/
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A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar

The bar tender looks at him for a few seconds and finally says " alright, you can stay..just don't start anything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhter/a_pair_of_jumper_cables_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?

AI (Artificial Intelligence)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhq8k/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_who_dyes_her_hair_brown/
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I accidentally gave my wife superglue instead of Chapstick

She's still not talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhpcc/i_accidentally_gave_my_wife_superglue_instead_of/
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Democrats have been really angry over the 2016 election results

The last time Democrats were THIS angry is when the Republicans took their slaves away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhohw/democrats_have_been_really_angry_over_the_2016/
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My friends and family treat if as if I'm a god!

They don't believe in me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fho2u/my_friends_and_family_treat_if_as_if_im_a_god/
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How is making cheese like invading Syria?

You get some Kurds in the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhnzc/how_is_making_cheese_like_invading_syria/
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I heard Venezuelan currency has inflated so much they are weighing it instead of counting it.

Looks like they finally transitioned from bolivars to pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhn2b/i_heard_venezuelan_currency_has_inflated_so_much/
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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! *Go'an fuck yerself!*"
^^*edit* ^^- ^^thanks ^^for ^^the ^^gold ^^stranger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhmcs/a_radio_station_in_ireland_is_taking_calls_to/
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How does trump fire a gun?

He tells the bullet it's fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhka8/how_does_trump_fire_a_gun/
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Funny Joke Teacher And Student

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhk5k/funny_joke_teacher_and_student/
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What's the key to long lasting Relationships?

Not breaking up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhj4o/whats_the_key_to_long_lasting_relationships/
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Why can't T-Rex's High Five?

Because they're all dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhipc/why_cant_trexs_high_five/
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Why can't you email jokes to a jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhfmf/why_cant_you_email_jokes_to_a_jedi/
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Stephen Hawking has finally released his new book about space.

It's about time, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhckm/stephen_hawking_has_finally_released_his_new_book/
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Two fish are swimming upstream and one of the fish hits his head against concrete.

He looks to the other, and says "dam"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhbxb/two_fish_are_swimming_upstream_and_one_of_the/
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They said to get in touch with my feminine side.

So I did, and my next paycheck was 22% less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fhavd/they_said_to_get_in_touch_with_my_feminine_side/
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Handjob or a sandwich?

A traveller was walking through the streets of Chiang Rai, Thailand.  He saw a sign that said:
$10 - Sandwich
$12 - Handjob
He walked in and saw this stunning blonde woman with a Norwegian flag tattooed on her arm.  He called her over and said "Are you the one who gives the handjobs" she smiled and said in her gorgeous accent "yes, I am".  He replied "well wash your fucking hands, I want a Vegimite sandwich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fh9rn/handjob_or_a_sandwich/
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I promised my wife I would make her feel like a princess.

She is all locked up in the tower now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fh7v0/i_promised_my_wife_i_would_make_her_feel_like_a/
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Sexually and mentally confused white bear

Bipolar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fh6yr/sexually_and_mentally_confused_white_bear/
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All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."
"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."
All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fh3sw/all_of_the_organs_are_deciding_who_should_be_in/
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I have a friend who spent a few years in jail

You know how there are two bunks per cell, like a top and bottom bunk? Well my buddy was in the top bunk, roommate in bottom bunk. The roommate says, "either you jump down onto your neck, or I'm going to fuck your ass everyday until one of us gets parole." I asked my buddy if he jumped, and he said "only the first time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fh2j7/i_have_a_friend_who_spent_a_few_years_in_jail/
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What's the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne waits till puberty to come all over a kid's face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fh0hr/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
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So a head rolls into a bar...

This guy only has a head. No neck, no torso, no limbs.
He gets helped up onto the bar and asks for whiskey on ice, with a bendy straw so he can drink, and the bartender obliges.
He starts talking with the bartender and the other guy at the bar, answering questions about how he lives without any appendages. As they are talking he takes a sip of whiskey and *pop!*
Out comes a torso! Pecs, abs, and all!
The guy looks down at his new torso with glee, and the bartender shouts "drink more! It must be magic!" So the guy drinks a few more sips, and with each swallow, out come appendages. *Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!*
The guy is so happy with his new body he jumps for joy and runs out of the bar. He carelessly runs into the street and gets hit by a bus, and dies.
The bartender rushes out, and, as he wipes a tear from his eye, turns to the other man from the bar and says "I guess he should've stopped while he was a*head*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fgz3r/so_a_head_rolls_into_a_bar/
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How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek?

Open your bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fgx8r/how_do_you_read_the_gospel_according_to_shrek/
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Watson was constipated and visibly uncomfortable, and Holmes, despite all his powers of deduction, could not determine exactly what was wrong with him...

Exasperated, but not one to admit that he had failed, he told Watson: "Surely, there is something wrong with you. Something bothers you. Something is amiss."
Watson replied: "No shit, Sherlock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fgspl/watson_was_constipated_and_visibly_uncomfortable/
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What's the difference between bullets and everyone ?

Everyone misses Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fgsji/whats_the_difference_between_bullets_and_everyone/
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Why did they never make a pregnant Barbie?

because Ken always came in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fgn73/why_did_they_never_make_a_pregnant_barbie/
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Man's Logic [Long]

Woman:    Do you drink beer?
Man:           Yes
Woman:    How many beers a day?
Man:           Usually about three
Woman:    How much do you pay per beer?
Man:           $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman:    And how long have you been drinking?
Man:           About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:    So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at
$450.  In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 correct?
Man:          Correct
Woman:    If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man:           Correct
Woman:    Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man:           Do you drink beer?
Woman:    No.
Man:           Where is your airplane?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fgmfx/mans_logic_long/
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What do you call a cow who just gave birth?

Decalfeinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fgl1y/what_do_you_call_a_cow_who_just_gave_birth/
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So two gay men are traveling

...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fgj39/so_two_gay_men_are_traveling/
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Never trust volleyball players with your drinks

They might spike 'em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fgd21/never_trust_volleyball_players_with_your_drinks/
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A programmer is having trouble with a program.....

Stan has trying to make a program that can not only understand humour, but make original jokes.
After a year of neural network testing and months of creating the perfect algorithm, he runs the program for the first time.
Unfortunately all the program comes up with is stale, unfunny jokes that would get people booed off stage.
In dismay, he opens the program to try and fix bugs but five minutes into the search and he bursts out laughing.
He sent an email to every programmer he knew; he had to inform them of his program's sentience. He ended the essay of an email with a closing note.
"Looks like the real joke is in the comments"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fgcbo/a_programmer_is_having_trouble_with_a_program/
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If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

Their age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fg9re/if_the_pilgrims_were_alive_today_what_would_they/
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How many calories does the average ejaculated semen has?

Apparently not enough to keep my baby alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fg9qq/how_many_calories_does_the_average_ejaculated/
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We all know about Little Johnny at r/jokes

All of us have heard tales of his feats. As a result, his teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fg6v5/we_all_know_about_little_johnny_at_rjokes/
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Deer Management

An 8 pointer, 4 pointer and a button buck are standing by a field browsing on acorns.
The 8 pointer says,
'I'm happy with my 10 does, we're really getting along.'
The 4 pointer says,
'I'm happy as heck with my 5, they really take care of me!'
The Button buck says,
'My two are all right, better than nothing I guess.'
Then all of a sudden a GIANT 14 pointer walks out into the field.
The three bucks had never seen anything like him before, they were in awe.
The big buck made a huge scrape and pissed in it, rubbed a tree the size of a telephone pole and snapped it off at the ground!
The three bucks looked on in amazement.
The 8 pointer says,
'I could probably get by with 4 does...........
Who really needs 10 anyway?'
The 4 pointer says,
'You know.............. come to think of it, I only really use one or two of mine!'
The button buck was silent, as the other two bucks look over to him in confusion.
Suddenly the Button buck runs out into the middle of the field!
He rips and tears up some grass........
pisses all over the place,
snorts & wheezes,
rubs his head raw on a tree,
and chews a lickin branch clean off!
Then he runs back over to his buddies.
His friends immediately ask him,
'What the heck are you doing!?'
I'm just makin' sure that big son of a gun knows I'm a buck!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fg5n8/deer_management/
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What do nazi's use to clean their yard of dog shit?

The Turd Rake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ffxi9/what_do_nazis_use_to_clean_their_yard_of_dog_shit/
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Those black cats better not cross my path. I'm not superstitious.

Just racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ffwr5/those_black_cats_better_not_cross_my_path_im_not/
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The U.K. has no money

Sorry for poor English

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ffvmb/the_uk_has_no_money/
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A gay guy walks into a saloon...

He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Look, I have no problem with homosexuals, but the other guys here...they don't take too good to your kind." The gay guy insists he won't be a problem. "I'll just sit in the corner, have my drinks and won't cause any issue." The bartender nods and serves him his drink.
A half hour goes by, and then a big, burly cowboy walks in. "Barkeep! Give me the biggest beer you got! Goddamnit, I'm so thirsty, I reckon I'd lick the sweat off a cow's balls!!"
The gay man finishes his third drink, stands up and says, "WELL, MOO MOO, BUCKAROO!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ffv6c/a_gay_guy_walks_into_a_saloon/
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Remember the two friends who got the world record for longest staring contest?

Yeah? Well turns out they aren't seeing eye to eye anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ffsnp/remember_the_two_friends_who_got_the_world_record/
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A travelling salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door.

A 10 year old boy answers the door in a dress and bra with a cigar in one hand and whiskey in the other. The traveling salesman asks, "Excuse me, are your parents home?" The boy responds "What the fuck do you think??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ffoqa/a_travelling_salesman_walks_up_to_a_house_and/
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One person's trigger warning...

...is another person's spoiler alert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ffnan/one_persons_trigger_warning/
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What is a pirates favourite letter

It is clearly double D as they are mostly males who can't stand a sunken chest and no booty.
(New original take on old joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ffj40/what_is_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
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What did Adam say when he broke up with Eve?

I'm turning over a new leaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ffj2s/what_did_adam_say_when_he_broke_up_with_eve/
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A guy is sitting at a bar staring at his drink when a huge biker grabs his drink and gulps it down.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it ?" says the Biker?" The man begins crying. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY you wimp."
The guy says. "Well this is the worst day of my life. I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home and then found my wife with another man. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ffgp6/a_guy_is_sitting_at_a_bar_staring_at_his_drink/
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I met a girl at a soccer game...

...I think she's a keeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ffel0/i_met_a_girl_at_a_soccer_game/
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Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ffeg0/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches_long/
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Why doesn't santa have any children?

'cause he cums down the chimney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ffd5d/why_doesnt_santa_have_any_children/
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An old man has been standing in line at the pearly gates for so long, when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name for St. Peter to look up in the Big Book...

Peter doesn't know what to do, so he gets Jesus to help him figure it out.
Jesus says "Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory."
The old man says "Well, I only had one child, a son."
Jesus smiles and says "Heh, I was an only child too. Go on."
The man says "I was a... some kind of wood-worker or carpenter... something like that."
Jesus is like "Huh, that's another coincidence. Anything else you can remember?"
The man shakes his head a bit and says "You may not believe this, but my son - he was brought to life through a miracle!"
Jesus' jaw drops, he smiles, and tears comes to his eyes, "Father??"
The old man's eyes open wide, "Pinocchio??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ffcyn/an_old_man_has_been_standing_in_line_at_the/
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Books keep falling on my head....

I've only got myshelf to blame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ff7kl/books_keep_falling_on_my_head/
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"Pistorius" sounds like a spell Harry Potter would use to make someone's legs disappear

That's a Frankie Boyle joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ff29r/pistorius_sounds_like_a_spell_harry_potter_would/
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Fidel Castro was giving a speech to his people

Fidel Castro was giving a speech to the Cuban people in a large outdoor venue.  Halfway through the speech he hears a vendor in the crowd, "popcorn, peanuts, soda..."
He ignores it and carries on with the speech.
He hears the same thing, "popcorn, peanuts, soda..."
Fidel gets frustrated and says, "the next person I hear say that I'm gonna kick his ass so hard he's gonna wind up in Florida."
Then the whole crowd goes, "popcorn, peanuts, soda."
(Sourced from Ronald Reagan)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fez4m/fidel_castro_was_giving_a_speech_to_his_people/
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Top reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment

They are already experts at recycling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5feyhi/top_reddit_posters_should_use_their_karma_to_help/
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What's the difference between a circus and a whore house?

My dad didn't meet my mom at a circus or take me their when I turned 5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fey8t/whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a_whore/
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The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.
On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one customer. The director was disappointed with the boy and said he already had sellers today who had done much better than him. The manager asked the boy how much the sale was worth, and the boy answered "$93,100.25". The manager was very confused and asked the boy what he had sold.
The boy: "I started off with a $0.25 fish hook which got him looking at the fishing poles. I set him up with the $100 bait master and asked him where he was gonna fish, I told him about that great lake down south but told him he'd need a car with all wheel drive to make it up the rough terrain so we got him into the $33,000 SUV we had on the lot, when he asked about boat rentals I thought I had lost him, but I ended up selling him the $60,000 riverking pro to top it off.".
The manager steps back in disbelief and says "Wow, you sold that all to a guy who came in for a fish hook?
"No" the boy said "The customer came in and told he had to buy tampons for his wife. I simply told him the weekend was already wrecked so he might as well go on a fishing trip"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fewak/the_best_salesman_in_the_world/
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A Brit, an American and an Italian are taken PoW

In the last year of the Second World War, the Nazis take a Brit, an American and an Italian as prisoner.
They torture them for information about allied plans. The Brit holds out for a few weeks, but eventually his stiff upper lip is beaten off of him, and he breaks; telling the Nazis everything they want to know.
The American, also, can only take the torture for a few weeks before he spills his guts and provides them with every last bit of intel they ask for.
But the Italian never breaks, and a year later, when they are rescued, the allied forces are stunned to discover that the Italian has barely spoken a word to his captors.
"How did you do it? How did you not break and talk?", they asked with astonishment.
The Italian waves his hands vigorously and asks "How could I a-talk with a-my hands a-tied behind my a-back??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fetq6/a_brit_an_american_and_an_italian_are_taken_pow/
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Hey baby, are you a C major scale?

'Cause you look all natural to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ferxr/hey_baby_are_you_a_c_major_scale/
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Piano player nsfw

So a bar owner has a piano in the corner that never gets played. He puts an ad in the paper to see if he can get a piano player to liven the place up.
The day of the auditions arrives and everyone is horrible. He's about to give up when a young man walks in and asks if he could audition. The bar owner agrees and the young man starts playing.
The first song is incredible but the owner had never heard it before. He asked what the song was called and the answer shocked him.
"I call it giving my sister ass herpes. I wrote it myself" said the young man. "Do you want to hear another song that I wrote called raping my neighbors dog"? The bar owner reluctantly agreed.
The second song was even better than the first. The owner decides to hire the young man. He will let the young man play his own songs but only if he doesn't tell the bar patrons the names of his songs.
Everything was going great on the first night. The bar was packed and the tip jar on the piano was full. The young man announced he was taking a short break and went into the bathroom.
When he came out a woman came up to him and asked "Do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?"
The young man looks at her excitedly and says "Know it, I wrote it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5feqfy/piano_player_nsfw/
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Whats The Difference Between a Hobo On a Unicycle And a Man In a Suit On a Bike?

A tire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fenhs/whats_the_difference_between_a_hobo_on_a_unicycle/
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A man with a black eye takes his seat on the plane, when he notices that the man next to him also has a black eye....

"How did you get yours?" He asked
"A Freudian slip at the ticket gate," he replies "the girl selling the tickets was beautiful busty blonde. When I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, I accidentally asked for a picket to Tits-burg and she clocked be right in the eye. How about you? How'd you get your shiner?"
"It's so funny you should say that," answered the first man "mine was from a Freudian slip too! I was at the breakfast table with my wife this morning. What I meant to say was 'Could you please pass the *sugar*, *honey*?' But what I accidentally said was 'You fucking bitch, you've ruined my life'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fej2e/a_man_with_a_black_eye_takes_his_seat_on_the/
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An Irish Surprise

Little Patrick is walking home from school. He's nearly home when he looks into the field at the end of the lane, exclaims "Holy shit!", and runs off to tell his parents.
He bursts into the house and finds his father sitting at the table. Patrick says, "Da! You'll never guess what I've just seen!"
Patrick's father says, "What have you just seen, son?"
"Da! The bull in the field at the end of the lane was fucking one of the cows!"
"Now, son, you can't say stuff like that in front of your mother. You need to say something like 'The bull in the field at the end of the lane was surprising one of the cows.'"
"Okay, Da."
The next day, Patrick is walking home from school and sees something amazing again in the field at the end of the lane. He takes off and bursts into his house. His parents are both sitting at the table.
"Mum! Da! You'll never guess what I've just seen!"
Patrick's father says, "What have you just seen, son?"
"The bull in the field at the end of the lane was surprising all of the cows!"
"Now, son, the bull couldn't have been surprising all of the cows..."
"Yeah, he was! He was fucking one of the horses!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fegnq/an_irish_surprise/
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My date said that she likes the idea of human cloning.

I said, "That makes two of us..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fedzs/my_date_said_that_she_likes_the_idea_of_human/
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Rudolf

So a man and his wife were walking downtown when suddenly it started to precipitate
"It's raining" said the man
"No dear... it's definitely snowing" said the wife
Just then, the local communist, Rudolf, walks by
"It's raining" he says without blinking an eye
"See?" said the man
"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fedxf/rudolf/
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I was confused about how to use a Geiger counter

But then one day it just clicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fedmi/i_was_confused_about_how_to_use_a_geiger_counter/
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I finally got Tinder ...

and after a few matches, I was able to start a campfire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fecnu/i_finally_got_tinder/
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A man is lost in the desert...

A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days.  Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: a woman.  After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck...'  and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceeds to start mounting.  As he does so, the camel whips its head all the way around and bites him in the face.
A few more days go by, and the man starts to really need a lay.  He tries a similar tactic of going behind the camel, but tries doing it much faster.  Once again the camel whips its head around and bites him in the face.
A few days later, a sandstorm picks up and the man hears cries coming from nearby.  Through the biting sand, he recognises that the calls are from a woman.  As he nears, he realises that she is covered in sand up to her neck.  She shouts to him, "Please! Please dig me out, I'll do anything for you!"
The man dismounts and starts digging her out.  As he is going along, he notices that, not only is she fit, but her clothing has been damaged in the sandstorm as well.  Advancing to her waistline, she begins to help him, and he sees that her dress has been ripped away, and she's nearly naked.  After a couple of hours she is free, and she motions seductively to the man, "For saving my life, I'll do anything for you.  What would you have me do?"
The man wastes no time dropping his trousers, and says, "Hold that camel's head for me, will you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5feabo/a_man_is_lost_in_the_desert/
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A husband walks in and sees his beautiful, young blonde wife

sitting at a table with a box and all its contents scattered about on the table top.  She has a puzzled, frustrated expression on her face as she moves the pieces around.
He asks... "Honey, what are you doing?". To which she replies "I've been trying to do this jigsaw puzzle.  It's supposed to be a tiger -- but it's so hard!"
He tells her "Baby, put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fe75r/a_husband_walks_in_and_sees_his_beautiful_young/
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A good businessman

There was this successful businessman who not only had loads of cash, but he was a genuinely good person.  He had a charity which was truly non-profit, he helped impoverished communities, he lived frugally and didn’t overtly display his wealth.
His one ‘vice’ was his Harley.  He loved riding his Harley.  One day, god decided to reward this man for being such a helping and selfless individual.  The heavens open, golden beams of lights…..
“For your service to humanity I have decided to grant you one request” God says to the man.
“Well, I love riding my motorcycle, and I love Hawaii.  I would like to be able to ride my motorcycle in Hawaii whenever I want to.  I would like a bridge connecting California to Hawaii”
God replies: “I am omnipotent, but to accomplish that, I would need to drain the vast majority of earth’s resources, which would deprive humanity.  Pick something else.”
The man though hard and came up with another idea:
“I want to understand my wife.  I want to know why she feels what she feels, why she thinks like she thinks, why she says one thing and means another.  I want to understand women”
God looks at the businessman with a stern look on his face, and after a long pause he says:
“So, do you want that bridge with two lanes or four?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fe46z/a_good_businessman/
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When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like Fidel Castro ...

... not screaming in terror, like his victims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fe34r/when_i_die_i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep/
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A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike.

The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fduwm/a_computer_science_student_is_studying_under_a/
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I'm a scientist that's researching beastiality between humans and dogs.

I'll be in my lab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fduw9/im_a_scientist_thats_researching_beastiality/
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Little April in sunday school

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdt8l/little_april_in_sunday_school/
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Why are schools red?

You would be too if you had 7 periods a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdrb3/why_are_schools_red/
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Just moved to Minnesota

Aug 12
Moved to our new home in Minnesota. It is so beautiful here. The landscape is so majestic. Can hardly wait to see it with snow. I love it here.
Oct 14
Minnesota is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful country and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.
Nov 11
Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.
Such a disappointment!
My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again
I don't think that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night.
The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast.
Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
I think that's silly.
We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning.
Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.
Hurt like hell.
The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing.
Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours.
I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.
God I hate it when she's right.
I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.
More shoveling!
Took all day.
The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.
I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.
Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.
I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white   shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss.
By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy.  I think the asshole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today
And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry freaking Christmas!
20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I think she's an idiot.
If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in.
Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20.
Still snowed in.
The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches.
Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard.   How dumb does he think I am?
Dec 30
Finally out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a darned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those friggin beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed ALL of them last November.
December 31
Roof caved in.
January 1
I set fire to what's left of the house.
No more shoveling. Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from that lousy salt they put all over the road.
January 5
Moved to Georgia. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would want to live in that God-forsaken state of Minnesota.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdra5/just_moved_to_minnesota/
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When does a pear become a pair?

When one appears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdojc/when_does_a_pear_become_a_pair/
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I lost my watch at a party last night....

After about an hour of looking for it I finally found it on the ground. A man was stepping on it while he was harassing some woman. Infuriated, I walked over to him and punched him in the face, breaking his nose. No one mistreats a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdntn/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_last_night/
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A blonde goes to buy a tv..

A blonde goes out to buy a TV at a department store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.
So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair brown. She then goes back to the store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: I'm sorry but we don't sell to blondes.
Amazed she goes out and dyes her hair ginger. She later returns to the store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes.
Blonde: How did you know I'm blonde?
Clerk: Because that's a Microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdnsz/a_blonde_goes_to_buy_a_tv/
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What does a barcode say if he bumps into another barcode?

SKU me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdnjk/what_does_a_barcode_say_if_he_bumps_into_another/
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Did you hear Monica Lewinsky became a republican?

The democrats just left a bad taste in her mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdnhd/did_you_hear_monica_lewinsky_became_a_republican/
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My child fed the animals at zoo

Zoo keepers were pissed...
But the lions thought he tasted great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdkub/my_child_fed_the_animals_at_zoo/
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Why do Men find it hard to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdkkv/why_do_men_find_it_hard_to_make_eye_contact/
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Did such a great job cutting down a tree yesterday

The neighbours clapped as I took a bough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdic0/did_such_a_great_job_cutting_down_a_tree_yesterday/
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I'll try to explain the concept of lubricated soap....

...but its quite difficult to grasp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdiby/ill_try_to_explain_the_concept_of_lubricated_soap/
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Why was the broom late to the meeting?

It over swept

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdgst/why_was_the_broom_late_to_the_meeting/
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A programmer began to cuss

Because getting to sleep was a fuss.
When laying in her bed
Looping round in her head
Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fddpf/a_programmer_began_to_cuss/
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A man is walking by a mental hospital and hears chanting.

A man is walking by a mental hospital and hears chanting from over the fence. He stops to listen and hears that they are saying "Five! Five! Five! Five!"
His curiosity peaked, he walks until he sees a hole in the fence. He puts his eye up to the hole to try to see what's going on, when he's poked in the eye by a broom handle! Angry and in pain, he starts to walk away and hears that the chanting is now, "Six! Six! Six! Six!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fddjs/a_man_is_walking_by_a_mental_hospital_and_hears/
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My wife was in jail, so I decided to go for the conjugal visit, which caused her parents to start freaking out...

Best game of Monopoly ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdbjv/my_wife_was_in_jail_so_i_decided_to_go_for_the/
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Did you hear about the guy that didn't pay the midget hooker?

It was a low blow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdb56/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_didnt_pay_the/
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I run a rehabilitation program where we get prison inmates to write poetry to help them cope with their emotions.

I call it:
Prose and Cons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fdafx/i_run_a_rehabilitation_program_where_we_get/
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A string walks into a bar...

And sits down at the counter and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender says, "Absolutely not! We don't serve strings in this bar. Now leave!"
The string walks out of the bar and goes into the alley, where he then proceeds to twist himself up in a tangle and rough himself up so he's all dirty and ragged.
Once he's finished, he walks back into the bar and sits at the counter and asks the bartender again for a drink.
The bartender says, "Wait, aren't you that string who was just in here that I kicked out?"
The string says "No, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fd9wx/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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I visited my friend in his flat

He told me to make myself at home. So I kicked him out. I hate having visitors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fd6ij/i_visited_my_friend_in_his_flat/
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What is the longest word in the english language?

SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fd5mc/what_is_the_longest_word_in_the_english_language/
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My girlfriend has a twin

I asked for a threesome once and amazingly she said yes!
Not only was her twin better looking but he was an all round great guy as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fd47a/my_girlfriend_has_a_twin/
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A man is going fishing one day...

After awhile, he runs out of bait. He sees a snake nearby with a frog in its mouth. Knowing that a frog will make good bait, he catches the snake. He removes the frog, and thinks to himself "How do I let the snake go without getting bit?". He ponders for a minute, then, with his free hand, reaches for his bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. He pops it open and pours some in the snake's mouth. The snake goes limp and the man tosses it away. Later, as he is getting ready to go home, he feels something on his foot. The man looks down to see the snake next to the whiskey, this time with two frogs in its mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fd1l4/a_man_is_going_fishing_one_day/
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A cowboy is sitting in a bar...

A woman sits down next to him and says, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He says, "Well ma'am, I ride a horse all day, herd cattle, rope cattle, brand cattle. I reckon I'm a real cowboy alright. So... you like cowboys, do ya?"
She says, "Oh, don't get the wrong idea. I'm a lesbian."
Cowboy says, "What's that?"
She says, "It means I like women. All I think about all day is women. Beautiful, sensual, erotic, naked women. Nice to meet a real cowboy though."  Then she gets up and leaves.
Another woman comes and sits down. "Say there... are you a real cowboy?"
He ponders for a moment and says, "Well ma'am, I used to think I was. But I just found out I'm a lesbian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fd0cm/a_cowboy_is_sitting_in_a_bar/
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Why is Ohio State's basketball team so good?

~~Because they have great shooters~~
Because they drive and cut extremely well
Thanks for nothing /r/news!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fd09j/why_is_ohio_states_basketball_team_so_good/
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What is ET short for?

Because he has short legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fcww6/what_is_et_short_for/
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Today I found out what an echo chamber was.

...I've got some really terrible news for you guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fcv1c/today_i_found_out_what_an_echo_chamber_was/
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In school, we had an assembly on bullying

The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality. She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal abuse he suffers. She then asked a question, 'How do you think he takes it?' Apparently, 'Up the arse!' wasn't a suitable answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fcrm7/in_school_we_had_an_assembly_on_bullying/
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A man went to see a doctor about his stutter...

"Y-you gotta he-help me doc, I c-c-can't live li-like this an-any more!"
The doctor says, "not to worry, we'll do a full body examination and get to the bottom of this."
After the examination, he tells the man, "I've found the cause of the problem. You see, your penis is so large that it's pulling on your core muscles which in turn are putting stress on your vocal chords, causing the stutter. I can fix it, but in order to do so, we'll need to remove half your penis."
Without hesitation the man says, "D-do what you ha-ha-have to do d-d-doctor!"
The procedure is performed that day with perfect success and the doctor sends the man on his way. A few months later, the man returns to the doctor's office.
"I can't thank you enough for the surgery, doc. It was a total success! However, I've noticed that my sex life has gotten significantly worse since the procedure and after a lot of thought, I've decided that I'd rather reverse the procedure and get my penis back."
To which the doctor replies, "f-f-fuck off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fcqrn/a_man_went_to_see_a_doctor_about_his_stutter/
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What did the Nazi interrogater say to the clock that would only tick?

"Ve have vays of making you tock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fcq4e/what_did_the_nazi_interrogater_say_to_the_clock/
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Why is jumping from great heights the most influential way to die?

Because you make an impact

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fcmjf/why_is_jumping_from_great_heights_the_most/
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What does weed and the Quran have in common?

If you burn it you get stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fcmcf/what_does_weed_and_the_quran_have_in_common/
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What is Vin Diesel's lovemaking style?

Pitch Black, Multi-Facial, XXX and Fast and Furious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fcl28/what_is_vin_diesels_lovemaking_style/
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The first computer can be traced back as far as Adam and Eve

It was an Apple with extremely limited memory: just one bite.
Then everything crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fcky0/the_first_computer_can_be_traced_back_as_far_as/
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A Photon checks in at an airline front counter. Agent says...

Sir, do you have any checked baggage?'
Photon replies, 'No, I'm travelling light.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fcklg/a_photon_checks_in_at_an_airline_front_counter/
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How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be open when she brings it to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fchm3/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_open_a_beer/
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A newlywed couple is about to consummate their marriage. As they started to undress the following conversation ensued:

her: "What happened to your feet?"
him: "Oh don't worry about that, it's just Tollio"
her: "did you mean Polio?"
him: "no it's Tollio, it just affects the toes."
*He then took his pants off and showed some ugly looking knees.*
her: "What happened to your knees?"
him: "Oh.. I also had Kneesles."
her: "Don't you mean Measles?"
him: "No... Kneesles, it just affects the knees."
*After removing his underwear the wife says*
"Don't tell me, you also had SMALL COX"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fcdic/a_newlywed_couple_is_about_to_consummate_their/
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I saw a black man running down the street with a TV

I was worried it was mine so I drove home as fast as I could, when I got home I was relieved to find mine was still there...brushing the front porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fcdgu/i_saw_a_black_man_running_down_the_street_with_a/
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A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

The boy keeps saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I'd be a chick. If my mom was a doe and my dad was a buck, I'd be a fawn."
The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy, saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?"
The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fcd09/a_little_boy_gets_on_the_public_bus_and_sits/
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I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me...

"You better be still holding that ladder"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fccrp/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words_to_me/
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What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?

The seagull flits along the shore, the baby shits along the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fc9o7/whats_the_difference_between_a_seagull_and_a_baby/
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Why is there no "Lets settle this like women"?

Because it lasts forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fc77d/why_is_there_no_lets_settle_this_like_women/
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I'm crap at telling jokes.

I keep on punching up the fuck lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fc5ct/im_crap_at_telling_jokes/
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What was the name of the heaviest man in china?

Won ton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fc57o/what_was_the_name_of_the_heaviest_man_in_china/
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What's the difference between a priest and his dog?

One wears pants and a collar while the other wears a collar and pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fc390/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_his_dog/
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My kid told me a joke about the U.S. Treasury ending the penny.

It didn't make any sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fc31k/my_kid_told_me_a_joke_about_the_us_treasury/
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You know who is the worst person ever?

Yes, Harry, he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fc2kd/you_know_who_is_the_worst_person_ever/
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What happens when you play the drums incorrectly?

You get repercussions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fbyqr/what_happens_when_you_play_the_drums_incorrectly/
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I always wanted a skateboard.

So one day I asked my mom for a skateboard. She said no as it was too expensive. So I came up with an idea to resolve my problem - I grabbed a plank of wood and some nails.
And beat her to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fby3j/i_always_wanted_a_skateboard/
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How did Henry VIIIs wife enter the room?

Amble in
(Anne Boyeyn)
I made this joke up and am very proud of it :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fbxwv/how_did_henry_viiis_wife_enter_the_room/
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BodyBuilder and a Blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fbxv8/bodybuilder_and_a_blonde/
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What did one dick say to the other dick?

Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fbv8c/what_did_one_dick_say_to_the_other_dick/
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People were so scared of those vicious clowns a few months back,

then they accidentally put one in office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fbv5w/people_were_so_scared_of_those_vicious_clowns_a/
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What French city always surrenders first?

Toulouse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fbuw6/what_french_city_always_surrenders_first/
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Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday...

... Those were the days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fbszi/monday_tuesday_wednesday_thursday_friday_saturday/
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I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.

Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fbqnm/i_remember_when_my_dad_once_gave_me_money_to_pay/
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I just found out my wife has an identical twin

I saw her on Tinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fbpq3/i_just_found_out_my_wife_has_an_identical_twin/
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90,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 20 or 25 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 90,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 90,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 40 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 90,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 90,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fbnf6/90000_blondes_meet_in_a_football_stadium_for_a/
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My wife and I often orgasm at the same time

But rarely in the same place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fbm44/my_wife_and_i_often_orgasm_at_the_same_time/
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make...

Then they don't call me at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fbiqi/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
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What do you call an Irish lesbian ?

Gaelic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fbgbv/what_do_you_call_an_irish_lesbian/
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what do you call 2 gay overweight physicists touching tips?

A large Hardon collider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fbffg/what_do_you_call_2_gay_overweight_physicists/
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I tried to make a robot that ate watches...

but it was too time-consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fb7o5/i_tried_to_make_a_robot_that_ate_watches/
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Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain.

Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"
She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fb6pj/woman_is_at_a_maternity_hospital_in_a_lot_of_pain/
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Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment?

They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fb5la/why_are_people_who_suffers_from_insomnia_so/
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I asked my priest if it might be a good idea to stop masturbating

But he didn't take the hint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fb5ka/i_asked_my_priest_if_it_might_be_a_good_idea_to/
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Apparently, if a bear attacks, you are supposed to play dead.

You know, that sounds an awful lot like something a bear would say...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fb546/apparently_if_a_bear_attacks_you_are_supposed_to/
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Why does the baker have so many loaves?

Because they bred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fb532/why_does_the_baker_have_so_many_loaves/
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Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong...

I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fb4xi/some_people_think_filling_animals_with_helium_is/
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Which lawyers are U2 fans?

The pro bono ones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fb2ua/which_lawyers_are_u2_fans/
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I found a potato shaped like Fidel Castro

It's a dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fb17l/i_found_a_potato_shaped_like_fidel_castro/
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I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fay32/i_pulled_the_shell_off_of_my_snail_to_make_him/
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A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5faure/a_physicist_sees_a_young_man_about_to_jump_off/
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My company replaced me with a robot that performs all my functions.

Then my wife bought one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5faua8/my_company_replaced_me_with_a_robot_that_performs/
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Ugly fat girl pinches me on the ass..

Me: "excuse me, why did you do that for?"
Fatty: "your pretty cute, can i have your number?"
Me: "yeahh sure, have you got a pen?"
Fatty: "yes i do"
Me: "well fuckin get back in it, the farmer will be wondering where you are!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fariw/ugly_fat_girl_pinches_me_on_the_ass/
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I asked a North Korean how his life was going...

He said "can't complain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5far0h/i_asked_a_north_korean_how_his_life_was_going/
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Why did the french man put a bomb on his kitchen floor?

Because he wanted to see Linoleum Blownapart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5faq5v/why_did_the_french_man_put_a_bomb_on_his_kitchen/
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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned.
He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly.
The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly.
The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5faomp/an_ugly_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_a_beautiful/
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A programmer’s wife sends him to the store and says “get some bread, and

while you’re there pick up some eggs.”
The programmer never returns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fanb2/a_programmers_wife_sends_him_to_the_store_and/
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I heard bad news on the way over here:the Donald Trump Presidential Library was just destroyed by fire, and, tragically, both books were a total loss.

Worse yet, he hasn't finished coloring the second one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fal5q/i_heard_bad_news_on_the_way_over_herethe_donald/
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A mother was tucking her son in one night

she really wanted a daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fajdw/a_mother_was_tucking_her_son_in_one_night/
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Couple in a Restaurant

Husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant…
As the food was served, Husband said:
“The Food looks delicious, let’s eat.”
Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That’s at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fagb9/couple_in_a_restaurant/
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Drink 'Till She's Cute

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fag2j/drink_till_shes_cute/
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Maths lesson

Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."
"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"
"Dunno. We haven't done bananas yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fae1m/maths_lesson/
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What is a pirate's biggest fear on a blind date?

A sunken chest with no booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fadvr/what_is_a_pirates_biggest_fear_on_a_blind_date/
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Two lawyers are having lunch.

An attractive woman walks in, and one lawyer whispers to the other "See that hot babe over there?  I screwed her!"  The second lawyer looks her over very carefully, then turns back to the first lawyer and says "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5faa0j/two_lawyers_are_having_lunch/
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I should have known it never would have worked out between my girlfriend and I. After all I'm a Libra and she's...

A bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fa8qg/i_should_have_known_it_never_would_have_worked/
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What do you call an honest lawyer?

An oxymoron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fa5vz/what_do_you_call_an_honest_lawyer/
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Every woman wants to be swept off her feet.

It's when you put her in the trunk of your car that she starts to panic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fa5qo/every_woman_wants_to_be_swept_off_her_feet/
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Last night I dreamed I was eating a pillow

When I woke up, my 10 pound marshmallow was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fa5b6/last_night_i_dreamed_i_was_eating_a_pillow/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $300 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fa35w/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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A girl's ass is like an onion...

...It'll give you really bad breath if you eat it raw!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fa2ja/a_girls_ass_is_like_an_onion/
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A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...

(Sorry if repost, I did a search)
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"
Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."
Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."
"What do you say when they're ugly?"
"He looks just like his mother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fa1em/a_woman_gives_birth_to_a_bouncing_baby_boy/
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A pirate is selling his loot at a stand on the docks

A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.
Man: "How did you lose your leg?"
Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wooden leg to replace me real one."
Man: "Is that how you lost your hand too?"
Pirate: "No, that was lost when I was attacking another boat of pirates. The captain got me hand, but I got his boat. Now I have this hook to replace me real hand."
Man: "Did you lose your eye in that battle as well?"
Pirate: "No, that was lost when a bird pooped in me eye and I tried to wipe it out. Twas the first day I had me hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5fa1di/a_pirate_is_selling_his_loot_at_a_stand_on_the/
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A housewife was unsatisfied with her sex life and confides this to her mother who gifted her a magical item.

Wife: "A dildo?"
Mother: "A magical dildo."
Wife: "What's so magical about it."
Mother: "Just say *Magic dildo* and name the body part you want pleasured."
Skeptical but curious, the wife takes the gift and goes to her room where she laid in bed and uttered the magical words.
Wife: "Magic dildo, my pussy."
The dildo flew out of her hands and pleasured her like never before.
A few minutes later, her husband walks in and saw her laying in bed with a happy smile. Enraged, he said
Husband: "The hell are you doing?! And what is that? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!"
Angered and a bit ashamed. The wife answered back.
Wife: "NO! You're never there when I need you. Good thing mom gave me her magic dildo!"
Husband: "Yeah, right! Magic Dildo, my ass."
Old joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9w7t/a_housewife_was_unsatisfied_with_her_sex_life_and/
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I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9sc0/i_got_caught_taking_a_pee_in_the_swimming_pool/
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A pope in the middle ages is trying to kick the Jews out of Rome...

And the Jewish population is able to convince him to hear out their side first before making them leave. The pope agrees, but the only Jewish man who thinks himself to be a good enough debater is the rabbi, Moishe. But since Moishe only speaks Hebrew and the Pope only Latin and Italian, they agree to a silent debate.
Everyone gathers in a courtyard, and the Pope begins by waving his hand in a circle around his head. Moishe responds by pointing straight at the ground below him. The Pope then replies by holding up three fingers, to which Moishe responds by holding up his middle finger. The Pope finally holds up the holy wine and bread for the eucharist, and Moishe holds up an apple. The Pope then steps down from his platform and admits defeat.
When asked to explain, the Pope said this: "First I showed him that God was everywhere, and he replied by saying that God was right here with us all. Then I showed him the Holy Trinity, to show him that our religions could never exist together; he then reminded me that though we have our differences, we share the same God. I then showed him the eucharist to remind him of Christ's sacrifice, and that wise man replied by showing me the apple, to symbolize the original sin of man which is shared by us all. At that point, I had to concede."
When posed the same question by a Jewish woman, Moishe said: "First he said we had to go out, to anywhere else; I told him to go to hell, we're staying right here. Then he said we had three days to leave, and I told him *exactly* what I thought of *that* proposition."
The Jewish woman then asked, "And that bit at the end?"
And Moishe replied, "That was just us talking about our lunches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9ru4/a_pope_in_the_middle_ages_is_trying_to_kick_the/
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I'm okay with most drugs...

But cocaine is where a draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9mz8/im_okay_with_most_drugs/
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Dying in a tsunami isn't so bad...

At least the earth gives you a wave goodbye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9ks5/dying_in_a_tsunami_isnt_so_bad/
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what do you call a snake that studies past events?

a *HISS*torian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9jm2/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_studies_past_events/
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why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

he was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9jj7/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
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I'm so glad I have fingers...

I could always count on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9j9p/im_so_glad_i_have_fingers/
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today you are one day closer to eating your next servings of nacho. unless you die tomorrow and never get to eat any nacho

then tomorrow is nacho lucky day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9iag/today_you_are_one_day_closer_to_eating_your_next/
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where is the best way to hide a nutella?

i'm nutelling you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9hrq/where_is_the_best_way_to_hide_a_nutella/
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what happens to nitrogen when the sun rises in the morning?

it becomes daytrogen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9ha6/what_happens_to_nitrogen_when_the_sun_rises_in/
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What do you call the sweat on your balls after having sex with your cousin?

Relative humidity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9g8m/what_do_you_call_the_sweat_on_your_balls_after/
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An original joke.

Sorry, wrong subreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9g1b/an_original_joke/
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Three men are lost in the woods..

The men are lost and starving when they come across a house occupied by an old lady. So they knock on the door and ask if they can have some food she says yes but only if one of the men eats her out so one of the men steps up and says he'll do it. After the old lady takes him to her bedroom she takes off her pants and he sees that her vagina is covered in scabs so he starts picking them off and throwing them out the window, after he's done he walks out with a platter of food. Then the other two men say no thanks were full on the bacon you threw out the window.
This is my first post, I just broke my Reddit cherry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9dkn/three_men_are_lost_in_the_woods/
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Why couldn't Snape be a Herbology teacher?

Because he wasn't able to keep the Lilies alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9dk2/why_couldnt_snape_be_a_herbology_teacher/
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What is Jesus' favorite gun?

A nail gun
I'm going to hell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f9aqj/what_is_jesus_favorite_gun/
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A mother was tucking her daughter when the daughter asks her what a Penis is.

Little girl: "Mommy, what's a Penis?
Mom: "Be a good girl and you'll get one when you grow up."
Little girl: But what if I'm a bad girl?"
Mom: "Then you'll get more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f99y6/a_mother_was_tucking_her_daughter_when_the/
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What do right-handed people hate most? [NSFW]

Having to switch hands at the computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f99cb/what_do_righthanded_people_hate_most_nsfw/
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It's hard to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs

Because they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f985a/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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First The Doctor Told Me The Good News

I Was Going To Have A Disease Named After Me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f950n/first_the_doctor_told_me_the_good_news/
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Where do you take someone who overdoses on homeopathic medicine?

A mental hospital

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f94uq/where_do_you_take_someone_who_overdoses_on/
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What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f94kp/what_do_you_call_a_smart_blonde/
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What comes after sextillion?

Babytillion!
(Creds: my math professor who has her doctorate in mathematics)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f92sr/what_comes_after_sextillion/
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A policeman pulls over a woman for failing to stop at a stop sign.

The woman protests "but I slowed down".
The officer says "it's a stop sign. You are supposed to come to a complete stop".
The woman replies, "but I slowed down, that's the same thing".
The officer then says, "no it's not! You rolled right through the intersection! You didn't stop!"
Once again the woman says "but I did slow down as I went through the sign, and that's the same as stopping, you pig!".
Now the cop is pissed, so he yanks the woman out of the car and beats her with his night stick. He beats her until shes a bloody mess.
Then he asks her "Now, do you want me to STOP beating you, or do you want me to SLOW DOWN?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f92b1/a_policeman_pulls_over_a_woman_for_failing_to/
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Walmart is giving away dead batteries for the holidays...

Free of charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f90np/walmart_is_giving_away_dead_batteries_for_the/
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The past, present and future walk into a room.

It got all tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f8y8o/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_room/
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Whoever answers my next question, can go home.

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
\*One boy throws his bag out the window.\*
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f8sii/whoever_answers_my_next_question_can_go_home/
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school...

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"
But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April went back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f8mor/little_april_was_not_the_best_student_in_sunday/
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my girlfriend must feel the same way about pizza as she feels about sex.

if she has it one night, she won't want it again for a few weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f8k4e/my_girlfriend_must_feel_the_same_way_about_pizza/
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A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...

The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter sexually active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f8hrl/a_man_walks_into_a_pharmacy_to_buy_condoms/
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A Freudian slip is when you say something by mistake that gives away

What you were really wanking about...I mean thinking about.
-Ricky Gervais

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f8gnv/a_freudian_slip_is_when_you_say_something_by/
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How many fish did it take to consume my wife?

None. There are no fish under my new gazebo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f8gbr/how_many_fish_did_it_take_to_consume_my_wife/
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What's the difference between Hitler and a marathon runner?

The marathon runner can successfully finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f8g3n/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_a/
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Seeing as you guys are liking these at the moment, What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat?

One mucks around in fountains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f8bwp/seeing_as_you_guys_are_liking_these_at_the_moment/
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Yo momma so fat..

..she has a real horse on her Polo shirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f8b26/yo_momma_so_fat/
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If youre ever cold, stand in a corner.

Most corners are 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f8azo/if_youre_ever_cold_stand_in_a_corner/
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I was very disappointed to have to pay for my new roof.

The builder had promised me it would be on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f8a13/i_was_very_disappointed_to_have_to_pay_for_my_new/
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Nothing better than shutting the door and jerking off after a long day

And it's even better if the uber has heated seats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f87xo/nothing_better_than_shutting_the_door_and_jerking/
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A man asks his friend what he got his wife for Christmas.

There's two friends, "person 1" and "person 2" at a bar, and person 1 asks the person 2 , "What did you get your wife for Christmas?"
Person 2 replied by saying, "A car and a diamond necklace."
Person 1 says, "Well why did you get her both?"
Person 2 said, "Well if she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can use the new car to drive to the store and return it".
Person 1 said,"oh that makes sense."
Person 2 asks, "Well what did you get your wife for Christmas?"
Person 1 replied by saying, "A new stove and a dildo".
Person 2 says, "Why did you get her a dildo and a stove?
Person 1 replies by saying, " Well if she doesn't like the new stove I got her, she can use her new dildo to go fuck herself!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7zhg/a_man_asks_his_friend_what_he_got_his_wife_for/
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I told my son that I found his hamster.

He was ecstatic. Until I said it was in the vacuum cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7xun/i_told_my_son_that_i_found_his_hamster/
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One man he is rapper

He go to rap battle
He say to he enemy: i will make sick rap now
So what he do: he pull out chicken and salad and he put all in burrito bread and he roll and he say: here this wrap it is very tasty: eat it!!
He enemy: oh yes, this taste really good, it is a sick wrap!
so both go home and are not hungry^^^^^^^^^^freelx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7txk/one_man_he_is_rapper/
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Amazon Prime X

The other day, I was browsing Amazon. I love popcorn and had found this incredible, stainless steel popcorn machine. I already have Amazon prime so it's quick and it's free shipping.
At the checkout, there is an upgrade button. Curious, I wanted to see what it was since I already have Amazon Prime
It shows a new feature called "Amazon Prime X". Guaranteed 10 minutes or faster shipping. Laughing to myself because it is obviously some bullshit. But there is a moneyback guarantee.
I decide "aww, what the hell, moneyback guarantee."
After 9 minutes I'm sitting in my chair laughing at the ridiculousness of their claim when I hear the doorbell ring.
I open the door and there's my popcorn machine with a bow on it.
And that was when I realized...
X gon give it to ya, fuck waiting for you to get it on your own, x gon deliver to ya, knock knock open up the door it's real, with the non-stop, pop pop and stainless steel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7ted/amazon_prime_x/
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Why didn't the blond call 911?

She couldn't find the 11 on the dial pad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7sp8/why_didnt_the_blond_call_911/
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A blond go into parachute shop

She come to the cashier and ask him how to use the parachute, he then explain to her that after she jump, she need to pull the yellow string. She ask him "But what if i will pull it and the parachute won't open?". He then explain her that this is a special parachute with backup, and if the yellow string won't open the parachute, then she need to pull the red string to open the second parachute.
So then the blond ask him, but what if I will pull the red string but the parachute won't open? So the cashier tell her to come the next day and he will give her a refund.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7ro0/a_blond_go_into_parachute_shop/
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What do colorblind people say to the unexpected?

Well that came out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7qqa/what_do_colorblind_people_say_to_the_unexpected/
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There's a band called 1023MB

It hasn't had any gigs yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7qjs/theres_a_band_called_1023mb/
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When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my dad did

not screaming in terror like the passengers in his cab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7qa5/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_peacefully_in_my_sleep/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves...

...Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7png/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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You know who's the greatest person ever?

*the first word of this joke*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7p4q/you_know_whos_the_greatest_person_ever/
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A joke from my three year old.

My wife removes the jacket from a book of my son's.
My three year old son yells out, "Don't take the jacket off."
My wife asks, "Why not?"
My son says, "Because the book will get cold."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7or7/a_joke_from_my_three_year_old/
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Breaking news

This morning saw what will probably become the worst air disaster in the Midwest. An ultralight single-seater plane crashed into a cemetery in Stockholm, Wisconsin. So far, the search and rescue teams have recovered 1736 bodies and as the digging continues into the night, we can only expect that number to climb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7oei/breaking_news/
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Teacher: Tell me the sentence that starts with an "I".

Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7nvq/teacher_tell_me_the_sentence_that_starts_with_an_i/
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What's the difference between my ex and the Titanic?

The Titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7ndl/whats_the_difference_between_my_ex_and_the_titanic/
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I'm so sick of employers asking me what I'm doing in the next four years

It's not like I have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7mmi/im_so_sick_of_employers_asking_me_what_im_doing/
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12 men training to be priests are taking their final test

The priest says okay this is your final test! Line up side by side and pull down your trousers. He walks past them handing them each a bell and instructs them to tie the bell to their dick. Then he brings in a naked girl and says I'm going to walk this girl past you and if your bell rings you fail!.. He starts to walk her down the line when suddenly a bell flings across the room he shouted you failed. Go get your bell and get out!.. The man bends over to pick up his bell and you hear 11 bells ringing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7lp5/12_men_training_to_be_priests_are_taking_their/
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Received a call from a recruiting consultant

She said " Sir, I have two openings for you"
I replied "Yes, I know"
There was a long silence and then she shouted "Asshole!"
I said i prefer the other one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7l45/received_a_call_from_a_recruiting_consultant/
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How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7kdg/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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A child was recently forced to write on the chalk board until he died

He was sentenced to death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7er9/a_child_was_recently_forced_to_write_on_the_chalk/
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What does a Victoria's Secret Black Friday sale have in common with a girl about to get a spanking?

Both have panties half-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f7dn2/what_does_a_victorias_secret_black_friday_sale/
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No one can drink that much beer!

A woman and her husband go into a bar
The husband drink three pitchers in ten minutes.
He goes to the bathroom to empty out his bladder.
While inside a raggedy man comes up to his wife and says "I want to kiss you"
"My husband's in the bathroom! Absolutely not!" She retorted.
The husband came back and drinks seven pitchers in fifteen minutes.
He goes to the restroom again.
Rageddy gentlemen comes back and he tells her how bad he wants to fuck her.
"One more time and I'm telling my husband!" She says and he saunters off.
Her husband drinks 12 pitchers in twenty minutes and excuses himself one last time.
Again the vagrant looking man comes up to her we and says "I'd love to fill your pussy up with beer n drink it out of you"
"THATS IT!" She screamed.  "I'm telling my husband!"
Her husband returns and she tells him what the man had said.
He tilts his head to the side confused and says "that's bullshit! No one can drink that much beer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f776s/no_one_can_drink_that_much_beer/
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Three gay guys (nsfw)

3 gay guys are sitting outside a crematorium because their boyfriends just died.
The first gay guy says to the second gay guy "what are you going to do with your man's ashes?"
The second gay guy says "well my boyfriend loved to Garden so I'm going to bury his ashes in the flower bed"
The second gay guy asks the first gay guy "what are you going to do with your man's ashes?"
The first gay guy says "well my man loved the ocean so I'm going to bury his ashes at Sea"
The third gay guy says nothing.
The first and the second ggay guy I look over and ask cwhat are you going to do with your man's ashes?"
The third gay guys says "well my man loved to cook so I'm going to make a big pot of chili put his ashes in it, and let him tear my ass up one last time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6yu2/three_gay_guys_nsfw/
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Yo momma is like cheap laundry detergent

Not as soft, doesn't smell as good, but gets way more loads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6x41/yo_momma_is_like_cheap_laundry_detergent/
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My gay friend told me he loves living in Pennsylvania.

He's never seen so many assholes in his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6vy1/my_gay_friend_told_me_he_loves_living_in/
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My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6uzg/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
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Fidel Castro is dead

Looks like Keith Richards and the Queen of England are moving on to the finals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6ueb/fidel_castro_is_dead/
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God is walking on the border between heaven and hell...

God is walking on the border between heaven and hell.
He notices the fence on Satan's side is broken down and in disrepair.
He calls Satan over, and says, "Satan, fix this fence or I will sue you."
Satan looks nonplussed and says:
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GET AN ATTORNEY?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6tw1/god_is_walking_on_the_border_between_heaven_and/
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My asian friend lent me a cow with hair that changes color

It's currently on roan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6tau/my_asian_friend_lent_me_a_cow_with_hair_that/
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Why was the powerful Jedi a terrible comedian?

Too *forced*, his punchlines were

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6ssm/why_was_the_powerful_jedi_a_terrible_comedian/
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What do you call children that are born into a Whorehouse?

Brothel Sprouts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6rv3/what_do_you_call_children_that_are_born_into_a/
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The price of Trumps' wall became much cheaper after the election...

...50 million people shit a brick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6rp2/the_price_of_trumps_wall_became_much_cheaper/
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What do you call the process of a robot clearing its artificial nose?

An olfactory reset.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6qkn/what_do_you_call_the_process_of_a_robot_clearing/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6p7g/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Today I saw 2 blind people fighting.

I shouted "I support the one with the knife.!"
they both ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6mx6/today_i_saw_2_blind_people_fighting/
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The singer thought he was the boss of the band

but it was the guitarist who pulled all the strings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6k8l/the_singer_thought_he_was_the_boss_of_the_band/
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This computer can answer any question!

The computer salesman was trying to convince the CEO to buy the horribly expensive mainframe.
"It can answer *any* question!  Just try it!"
The CEO thinks a minute, and asks "OK, what's my father doing right now?"
The computer grinds away for awhile, and answers "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The CEO chortles to the salesman "Wrong!  My father died five years ago!"
The computer answers "Your mothers husband died five years ago.  Your father just landed a 10 pound trout."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6hg9/this_computer_can_answer_any_question/
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Peaches of ALL flavorz

An old trucker was rolling down the highway with about 12 hours of drive time on the log looking for some R+R and a bite to eat.  As he passed the next exit he noticed a billboard proclaiming "Peaches of ALL flavors 2 miles". He dismissed the sign knowing peaches only tasted like peaches and kept driving. A couple miles later he see the same sign again twice as big proclaiming "Peaches of All flavors next right". Since as he liked peaches and was hungry he eased the rig into the turning lane to find some peaches. As he pulled into the produce stand  he encountered an old man with a frumpy fruit shack and a sign proclaiming his many flavored peaches. The driver ambled up to the stand and casually asked the older gentlemen "I bet you dont have a peach that tastes like apple". The old man rummaged around for a few seconds and produced a slightly off looking peach proudly and handed it to the truck driver. He bit into it and sure enough it tasted like an apple, dumbfounded he asked "well do you have one that tastes like orange?". The old man rolled his eyes and said "turn it around" twirling one finger in a circular motion. Sure as rain the driver bit the other side of the peach and it tasted like an orange. Aghast at what he had found he asked the old man for something less likely "Sir, i'd like a peach that tastes like grapes", again the old man dug out a peach that tasted like grapes, astounded the driver asked for watermelon flavored peaches and again the old man twirled his finger, watermelon was in the other side. Slightly aggravated at this point knowing the improbability of what he was experiencing he suddenly had an idea for a flavor the old man couldn't possibly have. "Sir, it seems you really do have peaches of all flavors, but i must ask, do you have one that tastes like pussy?!?" The old man smiled and said " I knew you'd ask, they allways do, and yes of course i have a pussy flavored peach". The old man rummaged around in a particularly dusty box of peaches and again handed the driver another peach. Eager for the long forgotten taste the driver eagerly shoved the peach in his mouth and instantly began spitting and sputtering, amid his hacking he proclaimed "THAT TASTES LIKE SHIT". The old man cackled and twirled his finger  again "Silly boy, turn it arounddd..........."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6evf/peaches_of_all_flavorz/
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Genocide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6egg/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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What's the difference between USA and USB?

One has standards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6bsv/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
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They say if you love something you should let it go...

So why am I going to jail for leaving my kid in Walmart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6bhm/they_say_if_you_love_something_you_should_let_it/
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Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel.

While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100."
The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss it for a few minutes.They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"
The American Diplomats replied: "A long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and here, three days later, he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f6agx/donald_trump_goes_on_a_factfinding_visit_to_israel/
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Paul Walker had to take some time off from the Fast and Furious series

He was burnt out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f69ms/paul_walker_had_to_take_some_time_off_from_the/
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Sometimes, when I think of a book

I touch my shelf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f697q/sometimes_when_i_think_of_a_book/
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My grandfather told me our generation relies too much on technology...

I told him, "No. Yours does". And pulled his life support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f66wl/my_grandfather_told_me_our_generation_relies_too/
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Confucius say to quiet the herd

One must shut the flock up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f65ko/confucius_say_to_quiet_the_herd/
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A man applies for a job with the local police.

The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f64dy/a_man_applies_for_a_job_with_the_local_police/
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I wonder if mormons support the transgendered?

If they did, they could go on a transmission!
-- authentic dadjoke overheard at breakfast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f639i/i_wonder_if_mormons_support_the_transgendered/
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A man walks into his town's hall and immediately runs out

because of a horrible stench. He goes to the municipality to ask what the hell happened.
He meets the director of the hall who explains "It was our 34th anniversary and we were seriously lacking any ideas for the celebrations. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. So we agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired to perform and everything was swell. Soon, the event started and the seats were full. The hypnotist chap took out a dangling watch and started his performance. He asked the crowd the focus on his swinging and everyone was looking at it. But he dropped his watch"
The man, confused, asks "So how did that lead to this nasty odour"
"The little rascal blurted out 'shit'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f60xf/a_man_walks_into_his_towns_hall_and_immediately/
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I think 50 Cent should run for President in 2020

He's change we can believe in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f60pd/i_think_50_cent_should_run_for_president_in_2020/
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Q. How many women in my house with Premenstrual syndrome does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One.......ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a fucking light bulb motherfucker! They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this motherfuckinghouse in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME FUCKING CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE MOTHERFUCKER!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f603h/q_how_many_women_in_my_house_with_premenstrual/
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The kid runs up to a policeman

"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"Which one is your father?" asks the cop
"I don't know!" cries the kid. "That's what they're fighting about!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5zab/the_kid_runs_up_to_a_policeman/
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What do you call a German living in Canada?

A leder hoser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5yts/what_do_you_call_a_german_living_in_canada/
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Hillary's mad at Satan

Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me?
Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5xbb/hillarys_mad_at_satan/
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What is the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?[NSFW[

One is an array of cunning stunts and the other is an array of stunning c*nts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5vbm/what_is_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a/
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What do you call a redneck with a functioning car?

Lucky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5tqi/what_do_you_call_a_redneck_with_a_functioning_car/
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What do you call a Scotsman who works in a cloakroom?

Angus McCoatup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5sbp/what_do_you_call_a_scotsman_who_works_in_a/
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Wanna know what's really corny?

A field of corn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5s2a/wanna_know_whats_really_corny/
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What's your opinion on the current meat shortage?

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City.
He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi man, a Polish man, a North Korean man and a resident New Yorker.
He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"
The Saudi man replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"
The Polish man said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"
The North Korean man replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"
The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5pb9/whats_your_opinion_on_the_current_meat_shortage/
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SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5owq/school_jokesteacher_and_student/
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I don't know what Hitler's favourite drink was.

But he sure as hell didn't like juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5npt/i_dont_know_what_hitlers_favourite_drink_was/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5lwy/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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What did the lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire?

"See you next month"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5is5/what_did_the_lesbian_vampire_say_to_another/
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A rich guy is having a fancy party

So he calls the attention of all his guests and says, "Ladies and gents, behind you is a swimming pool with an alligator in it. Whoever is brave enough to swim across it and survive shall be rewarded fifty thousand dollars." While everyone is still staring at the rich man, there is a loud splash. To everyone's amazement there is a man swimming across the pool as hard as possible and barely makes it to the other side. The rich man says, "Congratulations! Here is your check for fifty thousand dollars." The man, soaking wet says, "I don't want!". "You don't want it?" Again he says "I don't want it!" "Well how about 50 thousand dollars in cash?" again, "I don't want it!!" "How about my beautiful daughter? You can have her." yet again, "I don't want her!!" The rich man then says, "Well what do you want?" to which the other guy says, "I want the motherfucker that pushed me in the pool!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5fnu/a_rich_guy_is_having_a_fancy_party/
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I don't think my wife likes me very much

when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5e5a/i_dont_think_my_wife_likes_me_very_much/
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall

"Dam"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5bmp/two_fish_swim_into_a_concrete_wall/
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Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged?

Their boyfriends eat with their hats on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5b05/why_do_cowgirls_walk_bowlegged/
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A new law recently passed in Arkansas.

When a man and woman are divorced, they can still be brother and sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f59m3/a_new_law_recently_passed_in_arkansas/
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An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar...

The only reason I know this is because they both told everybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f54vr/an_atheist_and_a_vegan_walk_into_a_bar/
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Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet...

...has shitty time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f54ox/confucius_say_man_who_drops_watch_in_toilet/
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When someone asks me to think outside the box.

I think about anal sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f530k/when_someone_asks_me_to_think_outside_the_box/
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Two Newfies are driving down a country road when...

...they see a goat with its head stuck in the fence. The first Newfie says to the other, let's pull over! So they get out of the car and the first Newfie starts having sex with the goat. "Your turn" he says. The second Newfie sticks his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f530f/two_newfies_are_driving_down_a_country_road_when/
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Yoko Ono is apparently being lined up to assist with the bush tucker trials in the I'm a Celebrity jungle.

After all she has been living off a dead beetle for the last 36 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f5082/yoko_ono_is_apparently_being_lined_up_to_assist/
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Fidel Castro said he wouldn't die until America was destroyed.

Well, looks like he died 17 days after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4zcn/fidel_castro_said_he_wouldnt_die_until_america/
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My grandmother hates it when I make spelling errors

One might say she's a grandma nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4z4c/my_grandmother_hates_it_when_i_make_spelling/
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My new book I wrote on Poltergeists

is flying off the shelves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4ynr/my_new_book_i_wrote_on_poltergeists/
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I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray."

"You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4xxl/i_kissed_a_girl_in_the_club_and_she_said_oh_my/
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Cheer up Hillary Clinton.

Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president , until after serving 27 years in prison .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4xiz/cheer_up_hillary_clinton/
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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground...

Being the only adult around, I had to step in.
They didn’t stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4x9m/i_saw_two_kids_fighting_on_the_elementary_school/
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What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?

Tiger Woods has a good driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4vyc/whats_the_difference_between_tiger_woods_and/
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How can California secede from the Us without any documents or agreements?

Earthquakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4vpo/how_can_california_secede_from_the_us_without_any/
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Double Positive

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4td1/double_positive/
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Did you hear about that broom on the news??

It's sweeping the nation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4roo/did_you_hear_about_that_broom_on_the_news/
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The school counsellor told me that alcohol was never a solution.

I said that my chemistry teacher would disagree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4qzf/the_school_counsellor_told_me_that_alcohol_was/
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I asked my wife what she wanted for christmas she told me "nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace"

so I bought her nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4qx1/i_asked_my_wife_what_she_wanted_for_christmas_she/
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I'm not a Grammar Nazi!

I'm alt-write.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4qd0/im_not_a_grammar_nazi/
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2016 started with the death of a gorilla

...and is ending with the death of a Guerilla

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4opt/2016_started_with_the_death_of_a_gorilla/
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"Dad I want to be a feminist when I grow up"

"Well, pick one honey, you can't do both"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4op4/dad_i_want_to_be_a_feminist_when_i_grow_up/
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China has largest population

not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile, but because their condoms are 'Made in China'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4od6/china_has_largest_population/
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What do you call a gushing keyboard?

sqwerty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4mog/what_do_you_call_a_gushing_keyboard/
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What do you call an Alabama woman who can run faster than her brother?

virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4kff/what_do_you_call_an_alabama_woman_who_can_run/
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I stole a stripper's kid.

It was like taking baby from a Candi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4k13/i_stole_a_strippers_kid/
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Two nuns are driving down the road

Two Catholic nuns are driving down the road in a Protestant area. Suddenly, they run out of gas and are stuck on the shoulder. They spot a gas station about a mile ahead and begin to look around their car for something to use as a gas container, but can only find specimen jars with the word "urine" written on them. Seeing no other choice, they grab the jars and head to the gas station. They fill the jars and head back to their car to gas it back up. Just as they start to pour the jars into their tank, a policeman drives by and stops to help. The policemen looks at the confusing scene unfolding and says, "ladies, I can't say I approve of your religion, but I admire your faith."
-Heard from Alister McGrath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4j6e/two_nuns_are_driving_down_the_road/
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Hey, what's a good sign that you're going insane?

I'm asking for an imaginary friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4h3b/hey_whats_a_good_sign_that_youre_going_insane/
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Two nuns are driving down a lane

, late at night, when all of a sudden, the devil leaps out from behind a tree and climbs on to the car.
The older, wiser nun quickly grabs her crucifix, and screaming "QUICKLY! Show him your cross!" to her passenger.
The other nun winds down the window and shouts "Get off the fucking car, dickhead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4gzu/two_nuns_are_driving_down_a_lane/
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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4gar/3_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/
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Signalman

Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Gary says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Gary, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Gary continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Gary, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh well, then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4f6b/signalman/
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As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

It’s in my jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4dq8/as_a_scarecrow_people_say_im_outstanding_in_my/
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My wife told me she'll leave me if I go blind.

I guess I'll just have to see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4dlr/my_wife_told_me_shell_leave_me_if_i_go_blind/
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What grades did Fidel Castro get at school?

Full Marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4a0i/what_grades_did_fidel_castro_get_at_school/
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A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f49zy/a_man_whod_just_died_is_delivered_to_a_local/
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A high school student approached a group of popular kids during lunch time.

"May I join you?" he asked politely.
"We don't sit with idiots." they said.
"But I do." he replied as he gestured them to scoot over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f49t7/a_high_school_student_approached_a_group_of/
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I started this class on the weekend that teaches you how to make ice cream...

Sundae School.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f49l3/i_started_this_class_on_the_weekend_that_teaches/
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How do you help a lemon?

Lemon-aid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f49bu/how_do_you_help_a_lemon/
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What has 18 legs and catches flies?

A baseball team.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f4976/what_has_18_legs_and_catches_flies/
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Why doesn't Donald Trump like r/jokes?

He's against recycling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f47dn/why_doesnt_donald_trump_like_rjokes/
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The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f46n5/the_lesbians_next_door_gave_me_a_rolex_for_my/
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While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . .

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
"Nope." replied Jimmy.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".
Again Jimmy says "Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f46j5/while_in_the_playground_with_his_friend_little/
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A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster..............

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK, old fart, time to retire.'
The old rooster replies,' come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over.' The old rooster says 'I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs, 'You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start. 'The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head, 'Damn,...third gay rooster I bought this month.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f46a4/a_farmer_goes_out_one_day_and_buys_a_brand_new/
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Confucius say lucky girl is girl who meet boy in park

and lucky boy is boy who park meat in girl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f467i/confucius_say_lucky_girl_is_girl_who_meet_boy_in/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

7 was a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f45x4/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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A boy pokes a girl with a pin at church

The church priest asks the girl a question "who is our lord and savior?" *the boy stabs her with the pin* she yells "JESUS CHRIST" the priest says "good good, who created us" *the boy stabs her again* she yells "GOD ALMIGHTY" the priest says "good good, now, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 42nd child?" *he stabs her again* the girl screams "IF YOU PUT THAT THING IN MY ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT!" The priest faints..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f44yc/a_boy_pokes_a_girl_with_a_pin_at_church/
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Music Jokes

Sharing some music related jokes :-
1. Q. What did George Michale sing at Elton John's wedding?
A. Don't let your son go down on me.
2. Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. The lead guitarist holds the light, & the world revolves around it.
3. Q. How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in.
4. Q. The last thing to pass through Kurt Cobain's mind?
A. A 12 gauge shell.
5. Apparently, Michael Hutchence & his SO were having an argument on the phone, she said something he didn't like, so he hung up.
The reason she went for him in the first place, she'd been told he was well-hung.
6, Q. What do 'Free bird' by Lynyrd Skynyrd and my orgasms have in common?
A. 5 minutes solo.
7, Q. Why is Classical music losing popularity, these days?
A. There's too much sax & violins in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f44cz/music_jokes/
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Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse...

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f41ho/jack_strode_into_johns_stable_looking_to_buy_a/
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I used to steal other people's jokes....

I still do. But I used to too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f3zjg/i_used_to_steal_other_peoples_jokes/
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My wife is like a hurricane...

At the beginning there was a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end I lost my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f3u29/my_wife_is_like_a_hurricane/
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Guy walks into a bar asking 10 shots of tequila

So the bartender asks what's the occasion.  The guy replies he just had his first blow job. Bartender feels happy for the guy and says "first one is on the house". Guy replied "if 10 can't wash the taste off my mouth, I don't see how 11th would help"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f3olo/guy_walks_into_a_bar_asking_10_shots_of_tequila/
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Where do socialist birds lay their eggs?

In a communest
(pls ^dont ^^be ^^^repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f3mfg/where_do_socialist_birds_lay_their_eggs/
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People in Dubai don't like The Flintstones.

But people in ABU DHABI DO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f3md8/people_in_dubai_dont_like_the_flintstones/
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A black kid comes home from elementary school one day...

And says, "hey mom, I've got the biggest dick in the third grade! Is that cause I'm black?" She says "no Tyrone, it's cause you're nineteen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f3li5/a_black_kid_comes_home_from_elementary_school_one/
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.....

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f3kjf/a_married_couple_was_in_a_terrible_accident_where/
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On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

Barbers decide not to talk about politics, and everybody ends up not talking at all. The air is so tense. it could be almost cut with the barber's knife.
Donald's hair gets finished first, and when the barber tries to apply some cologne to it, Donald goes nuts "Are you out of your mind? I can't go to my house smelling like I've been in a brothel. Melania would go crazy".
Right at that point the other barber finishes doing Barack's hair and goes, "So Mr. President, I guess you won't like cologne either?"
"I don't have a problem with that", says Barack with half smile on his face; "Michelle doesn't know what a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f3i3c/on_the_last_day_of_baracks_presidency_he_and/
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I opened my water and electricity bills at the same time.

I was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f3h4k/i_opened_my_water_and_electricity_bills_at_the/
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f3fzg/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar

r/Jokes mods ban them for having different beliefs than them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f3e2l/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_bar/
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If I had a dollar for every gender

I would have 2 dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f3d09/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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A Pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants."
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f3bdq/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f3abg/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_one_leg/
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How do Reavers clean their spears?

They run them through the Wash.
(In honor of the late Shepard Book. RIP)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f38em/how_do_reavers_clean_their_spears/
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What's the easiest way to annoy an anti-vaxxer?

Needle them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f352n/whats_the_easiest_way_to_annoy_an_antivaxxer/
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How do you become a kleptomaniac?

You pick it up from other people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f32qg/how_do_you_become_a_kleptomaniac/
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Roses are black...

...Violets are black,
Everything is black,
I'm Ray Charles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f32m7/roses_are_black/
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My friend asked me why I act so insecure when he would talk to my girlfriend.

I don't remember what my answer was, but their son Malcolm turns two next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f32ic/my_friend_asked_me_why_i_act_so_insecure_when_he/
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What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f31mp/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_cant_draw/
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I almost got raped in prison.

I beat him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2yok/i_almost_got_raped_in_prison/
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A doctor from the U.S. is visiting a hospital in Scotland

A prominent physician is visiting a hospital in Scotland.  He's being shown around by the medical director.  They take him to the OR, very modern.  Then they go to the ICU, where he talks to the nurses.  They go to another ward, where there's a long line of beds, each with a patient in it.  He asks the first one, "What are you here for?", and gets the reply, "Oh my luve's like a red red rose."  "OK," he thinks, and goes to the next man.  "How are they treating you here?"  "Wee sleekin' cowrie, tim'rous beastie," says the patient.  "Oh, boy, this is weird," says the doctor.
He goes to a third man and asks him how he feels.  He gets the answer, "Should auld acquaintance be forgot."
"OK", he asks his guide, "what is this ward?"  The director says, "Why, laddie, this is the Burns unit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2ujv/a_doctor_from_the_us_is_visiting_a_hospital_in/
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What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy?

Inheritance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2tn9/whats_the_objectoriented_way_to_become_wealthy/
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Why does a space rock taste better than an Earth rock?

Because it's a little meteor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2tj1/why_does_a_space_rock_taste_better_than_an_earth/
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Yesterday, my computer science teacher was teaching us about for-loops...

... he said it was a *for n* concept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2t3p/yesterday_my_computer_science_teacher_was/
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What's the difference between modern pop and Christmas music?

One is 6 people singing 100 songs, the other is 100 people singing 6 songs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2q59/whats_the_difference_between_modern_pop_and/
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What's E.T. short for?

Because he has wee legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2mnr/whats_et_short_for/
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Have you ever been to a store that only sells lamps?

I've heard it's pretty lit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2kvn/have_you_ever_been_to_a_store_that_only_sells/
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What is the average lifespan of an owl?

A little over 6 books.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2kkx/what_is_the_average_lifespan_of_an_owl/
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A boy is walking down an old highway...

A boy is walking down an old highway when a man in his pickup asks what he's doing. The boy replies "I'm running away from my momma." The man asks "Why would you do that?" "She beats me sir!", the boy responded. "Well would you like me to take your to your dad's house?" "Oh no sir. He beats me too." He asks "So where are you going?" The boy said "Well I'm headed down to Auburn. I heard they don't beat _anybody_ there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2jh9/a_boy_is_walking_down_an_old_highway/
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The average person has sex 127 times a year.

My december is going to be fucking awesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2ibi/the_average_person_has_sex_127_times_a_year/
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What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2fd3/what_does_a_clock_do_when_its_hungry/
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After an altercation with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2e75/after_an_altercation_with_my_boss_i_decided_to/
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What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2dub/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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What do you call a Nun in a wheelchair

Virgin Mobile
Stolen from r/christianity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2dls/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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Who are the fastest readers?

9/11 victims. They got through over 40 stories in seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2d3e/who_are_the_fastest_readers/
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I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends?

In an explosion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2ckh/i_lose_my_white_friends_in_the_snow_i_lose_my/
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My girlfriend said to me "you keep talking like we're on Walky talkies... this relationship is over!!"

"This relationship is what? Over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2ckd/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_you_keep_talking_like/
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Always choose success.

A man is walking down the street one day and comes across a ladder reaching to the heavens. His curiosity makes him climb it. He comes across the first cloud and laying on it is a beautiful and sexily dressed woman who gives him a choice.
"You can either take me right now or climb the ladder to success."
The man is tempted but decides to keep climbing to the next cloud. On it is a gorgeous woman, a true 10/10. She is totally nude and he is very aroused. She gives him the same choice.
"You can either take me right now or you can climb the ladder to success." He is very tempted but decides to keep climbing. On the third cloud is a woman who is the most attractive person he has ever seen. Smile, eyes, hair, body, she is totally rocking and has it all. He can't look away and can barely contain himself. She gives him the same choice.
"This is your last chance. You can either take me right now, or climb the ladder to success." The man is extremely tempted, but he decides to keep climbing.
'Who knows what could be on the next cloud?' He thinks.
He climbs the ladder again and on the next one is the ugliest, hairiest, fattest most smelly unpleasant repulsive man with the biggest schlong he's ever seen.
"What the fuck?! Who are you?!!!!" The climbing man is outraged.
The ugly man wheezed back at him:
"I'm Cess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2ahy/always_choose_success/
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Sex you up

3 Stages of Sex:
1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.
2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.
3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "Fuck you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f2agg/sex_you_up/
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Where did Dr. Pepper get his degree?

The University of Minnesoda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f26ja/where_did_dr_pepper_get_his_degree/
%
When I was younger, I used to hide my condoms in a Battlefield video game case.

One day, I brought a girl home so we could bump nasties. As I was about to make love to her, I remembered my condoms. I got up, went over to my shelf, pulled open the case, and got the condom out. The girl who was with me asked "do you keep condoms in all of your game cases? I looked at her and replied *only in Battlefield*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f24jg/when_i_was_younger_i_used_to_hide_my_condoms_in_a/
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I can't complain..

I work a long and boring 12 hour shift checking ID's for retired military vets at a clinic. I greeted an old man who ask me..
"Son, how was your day?"
To which I replied, "can't complain"
That old fucker walked passed me and said.. "Even if you could, nobody would listen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f24dy/i_cant_complain/
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What does the "L" stand for in Samuel L. Jackson?

Motherfucking
It stands for motherfucking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f21i4/what_does_the_l_stand_for_in_samuel_l_jackson/
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I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together...

Yep...I shit you knot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1zxd/i_can_swallow_two_pieces_of_string_and_when_they/
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RUSSIAN VODKA URINE

A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street. He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish."
The Russian man says, "I would like to piss vodka."
When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinking. He tells her he can piss vodka and demonstrates for her. It was the best vodka they'd ever had.
The next night the Russian guy comes home tired and tells his wife to get one glass. She asks, "Why only one glass?"
"Because tonight," he says, "you should drink from the bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1zur/russian_vodka_urine/
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What did woody and buzz say to your mom?

"Strange to see your toys have the same name as us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1xsl/what_did_woody_and_buzz_say_to_your_mom/
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I bought my son a trampoline

But all he wanted to do was sit and cry in his wheelchair
- This was a repost but I thought it was too funny not to share

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1wtb/i_bought_my_son_a_trampoline/
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Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1w28/apparently_there_is_bipartisan_agreement_in/
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RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1uze/rules_of_bedroom_golf/
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Told my Vegan Friend to stop with the Puns.

He said oh kale no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1uvh/told_my_vegan_friend_to_stop_with_the_puns/
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What sounds do nuts make when they sneeze?

Cashew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1rrj/what_sounds_do_nuts_make_when_they_sneeze/
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Why do people smoke after having sex?

Because they're doing it too fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1rrb/why_do_people_smoke_after_having_sex/
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What is the last step in manufacturing Tickle-Me-Elmo's before packaging and shipping to stores?

Give it two test-tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1lud/what_is_the_last_step_in_manufacturing/
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So the Pope was feeling ill

His people brought in a team of doctors to diagnose him.  The doctors called a meeting with the Pope and all of his advisers to share the news.
The lead doctor started "Gentleman, we have some bad news.  The Pope has a very rare condition and there is only one cure,  he has to have sex otherwise he will die, there is nothing else we can do."
The Pope thanked the doctors and asked them to leave.  He and his top advisers then debated the issue.  Eventually they all urged him to do it.  They thought that preserving his life was more important than the vow of celibacy.
"I have some thinking to do" said the Pope, "Let's reconvene in an hour and I will have my decision."
An hour passed and everyone gathered in the room again to hear what the Pontiff had decided.
"I have decided that I will have sex with a woman, and that life is more important than the vow I have taken" said the Pope, "But I do have three conditions which must be met in order for me to do this act"
"Of course your holiness! What are the conditions?" said an adviser
"First, the woman must be blind, so she cannot see who she is having sex with" Said the Pope
"Ok, we can make that happen" said the adviser
"Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear who she is having sex with"
"Um, ok, I'm sure we can find someone like that..."  The adviser replied, "And the third thing?"
"Big tits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1l6r/so_the_pope_was_feeling_ill/
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What do you call a lizard that can't get a boner?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1itt/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_that_cant_get_a_boner/
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What did the cannibal get when he showed up late to the party?

A cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1it2/what_did_the_cannibal_get_when_he_showed_up_late/
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How did they get from one floor of the Death Star to another?

In the elevader!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1icy/how_did_they_get_from_one_floor_of_the_death_star/
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A Newfoundlander is painting the dividing line on a road

The first day, he paints 7km of lines along the road
The second day he paints 4km of lines along the road
And the third day he paints only 1km of lines along the road
So the manager of the site calls the Newfoundlander into his office and sites him down.
"What's going on?" He asks. "The first day, you did great! The second day you did good, but today you just did terrible." He states. "What's going on?"
"Well, each day, I have to walk farther to get to the bucket of paint" The Newfoundlander replies"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1gp5/a_newfoundlander_is_painting_the_dividing_line_on/
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This joke is a bit like sex

...hardly anyone here gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1eof/this_joke_is_a_bit_like_sex/
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What do you call a psychic midget that escapes prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f1a54/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_that_escapes/
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A family walks into a hotel.....

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and he says "I hope the porn is disabled."  The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f18yk/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
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I failed my biology test today

A question asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently "black people" wasn't the right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f13ss/i_failed_my_biology_test_today/
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I hate being a depressed atheist.

Nothing to live for.
Nothing to die for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f12pj/i_hate_being_a_depressed_atheist/
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Why did Hitler kill himself?

.
.
.
.
He saw his gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f0z2m/why_did_hitler_kill_himself/
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What did one bridge say to another?

"Fuck you"
(They were arch enemies)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f0r8x/what_did_one_bridge_say_to_another/
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The best thing about a blowjob...

... is the 15 minutes of silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f0gpu/the_best_thing_about_a_blowjob/
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Fidel Castro Dies on Black Friday

Adam Smith: 1
Karl Marx: 0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f0f11/fidel_castro_dies_on_black_friday/
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My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now.

I always wondered what kept them together.
Then I saw the swear jar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f0ey2/my_jewish_mate_has_been_with_his_tourettes/
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Fidel Castro died and went to heaven.

When he arrived there, Jesus said that his place was in hell.
Arriving there, Fidel was received with honors by Satan.
In a certain moment, he remembered he had forgotten his baggage in Heaven and he wanted to look for them but Satan said to him: "Stay here, I will send two little demons to search for them"
When the little demons came to heaven, the line was too big and they decided to jump the gate.
When Jesus saw them jumping through the gate he said: There has been 10 minutes since Fidel arrived in hell and we already have two refugees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f0euy/fidel_castro_died_and_went_to_heaven/
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I tried being a barber for a while but I just couldn't cut it.

Bonus joke:
Had to buy a stepladder the other day, I never knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f0e9r/i_tried_being_a_barber_for_a_while_but_i_just/
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I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

he said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f0cmn/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_there/
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Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts

But even he could not survive 2016

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f0c6x/fidel_castro_survived_638_assassination_attempts/
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What's a peasant's favorite sport?

Serfing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f0alq/whats_a_peasants_favorite_sport/
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Hey girl are you a cool autumn breeze

Because you make me wanna jacket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f09xm/hey_girl_are_you_a_cool_autumn_breeze/
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What do you get when you cross a gay man and a jew?

A hit Brodway show

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f06hx/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_gay_man_and_a_jew/
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I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table..

..We were quite an incestuous family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f06b0/i_remember_when_i_was_a_kid_at_dinner_my_parents/
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Whata country..

You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f04cy/whata_country/
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What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f03xf/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
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Why did the Irish man never get caught drink driving?

Because he never left the pub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f02km/why_did_the_irish_man_never_get_caught_drink/
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I was going to repost this really condescending joke I read, but...

you guys didn't get it last time, and probably wont get it this time either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f00w6/i_was_going_to_repost_this_really_condescending/
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I steal candy bars using slight of hand...

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5f00ca/i_steal_candy_bars_using_slight_of_hand/
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A blonde and her friend were standing on the street talking..

The blonde's friend sees her boyfriend coming out of a flower shop with a big bunch of flowers and says, "Oh yeah, I suppose he expects me to spend the whole night on my back with my legs in the air now!"
The blonde says, "Why, do you not own a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezzrz/a_blonde_and_her_friend_were_standing_on_the/
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The past, present and future walk into a bar

It was tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezvx6/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
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First woman in space

"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind."
What's the problem?
"Nothing."
Please tell us.
"I'm fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezut4/first_woman_in_space/
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Why is time wary of mathematicians?

They're always plotting against it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezsq1/why_is_time_wary_of_mathematicians/
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Coffee is the silent victim in our house.

It gets mugged everyday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezs5r/coffee_is_the_silent_victim_in_our_house/
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A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket

and asked,  “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezrzr/a_man_approached_a_very_beautiful_woman_in_the/
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A Blonde boards a airplane...

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.
The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezrvh/a_blonde_boards_a_airplane/
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Son leaves a note

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezpla/son_leaves_a_note/
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I was in bed with a woman and she said, I want tonight to be magical

And it was. After we had sex, I disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezpfl/i_was_in_bed_with_a_woman_and_she_said_i_want/
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I was so depressed last night

thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezlhx/i_was_so_depressed_last_night/
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Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.

Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezkv6/fidel_castro_was_a_cigarsmoking_repressive_leader/
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Sitting in a Bar.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezj7m/sitting_in_a_bar/
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CIA finally succeeded in killing Fidel Castro

Using the innovative 'Old age' technique

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezj5g/cia_finally_succeeded_in_killing_fidel_castro/
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Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in.

The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." Lights flash and the gates open.
The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Puzzled, the nun says, "Oh my, that's a hard one." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezh9l/three_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven_but_all_must/
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Fidel Castro Dies and Goes to Heaven

Castro finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter is there, surprised to see him. He says, "Fidel, you've done so many awful things in your life, how did you get here?"
Castro says, "It was the Pope. He blessed me and told me I must have been chosen by God, so I was certainly going to heaven."
"Chosen by God? No, that can't be right. Why would he say that?"
So Castro tells him the story:
"When Pope John Paul visited Havana in 1998, I personally welcomed him, and invited him to tour the city. We rode in the Popemobile, and since it was a warm day, he opened the roof. Everything was fine until we reached the Malecón, when suddenly a gust of wind blew up and swept the Pope’s zucchetto off his head and out into the sea. There it floated, bobbing on the waves.
“Don’t worry, Your Holiness,” I exclaimed, “I’ll get it for you!” I jumped over the side of the Popemobile, leaped over the seawall, and sped out over the water. Yes, I actually walked on top of the water, all the way out to where the zucchetto lay floating on the waves. Then I turned and dashed back, still skimming over the surface, leaped over the seawall, and jumped back into the Popemobile, without getting a drop of water on his
clothes. “Here, Your Holiness,” I panted.
"And that's when he blessed me."
Saint Peter is obviously having a little trouble believing this, so he calls God over and asks, "Do you remember this?"
God says, "I bless a lot of people. It's hard to keep track of them all." Then he looks at Castro. "Do you have any proof?"
"Proof?" Castro exclaims. "Of course I have proof! It was worldwide news!"
So God sends Peter down to Earth to go collect some newspapers from the day after, and sure enough it's on the front page of every last one.
In Granma, the Cuban Communist Party newspaper, the headline read “Fidel is Chosen by God; He Walks on Water.”
In L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper, the headline read “God Performs a Miracle: Makes Fidel Castro Walk on Water.”
And in the Miami Herald, read by the Cuban exile community in Miami, the headline read
“Fidel Castro Doesn’t Know How to Swim.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezfkj/fidel_castro_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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I decided to write a joke about restraining orders.

This is the closest I could get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eze08/i_decided_to_write_a_joke_about_restraining_orders/
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I have a fear of speed Bumps

I'm slowly getting over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezcsg/i_have_a_fear_of_speed_bumps/
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A couple was visiting Bahamas on their honeymoon

The husband wanted to make his wife happy so he tattooed her name, Wendy, on his penis. Unfortunately only the letters W and Y was visible when not erected.
In Bahamas, the husband went to pee in a urinal. Suddenly a tall, dark bahamian man went next to him and unzipped his pants and took out his penis to pee. The husband realized that the bahamian guy also had the letters W and Y on his manhood, so he asked:
- "is you wife also named Wendy?" and points at his dick.
- No, No, No! It says "Welcome to Bahams, I hope you will enjoy your holiday"
(Sorry for bad english)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ezat0/a_couple_was_visiting_bahamas_on_their_honeymoon/
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I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only”...

But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ez6z8/i_got_an_invite_to_a_wedding_that_said_black_tie/
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So Mickey Mouse is in a lawyer's office

. The lawyer says "So you say you want to divorce your wife because she's crazy?". Micky Mouse replies "No, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ez4sx/so_mickey_mouse_is_in_a_lawyers_office/
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A young boy comes home from school after learning about sexual health and asks

Boy -  'Dad what does a vagina look like?'
Father -  'Well son, that depends. Are you interested before sex or after sex?'
Boy - 'Urmmm, before'
Father - 'It resembles the beautiful petals on a rose'
Boy - ' And what about after sex?'
Father - ' Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ez35h/a_young_boy_comes_home_from_school_after_learning/
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Why didnt the toilet paper cross the road?

it got stuck in a crack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ez168/why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.
Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.
He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.
Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.
He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.
Bump…bump…bump.
The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.
He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.
BUMP…BUMP…BUMP!
He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.
He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.
Bump…bump…bump.
There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.
Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…BUMP! BUMP!
BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!
He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.
Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!
Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin — a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp — but the coffin keeps coming!
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!
His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!
The coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ez0y9/this_guys_walking_home_from_work_really_late_in/
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"Do you come here often", she asked...

"No, usually in my belly button", I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ez0y2/do_you_come_here_often_she_asked/
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A wise Chinese man once said,

"if your dog barks, it's undercooked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ez02s/a_wise_chinese_man_once_said/
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Today I finally spoke to my doctor about erectile dysfunction

it wasn't hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyz4g/today_i_finally_spoke_to_my_doctor_about_erectile/
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What is Beethoven doing right now?

Decomposing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyyt4/what_is_beethoven_doing_right_now/
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What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyxit/what_do_prime_numbers_and_stoners_have_in_common/
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Which part of a vegetable isn't edible?

His wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyxed/which_part_of_a_vegetable_isnt_edible/
%
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do.

Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyxd1/my_girlfriends_dad_asked_me_what_i_do/
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What is the difference between Donald Trump and a vibrator?

A vibrator is not a genuine dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyw89/what_is_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_a/
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I've found that most girls make a lot of noise in the bedroom...

Usually right after they see me at the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyw1y/ive_found_that_most_girls_make_a_lot_of_noise_in/
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Today I told my girlfriend she should really join Reddit cause...

We'd be on the same page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyvzp/today_i_told_my_girlfriend_she_should_really_join/
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When midgets smoke weed...

...do they get high, or do they just get medium?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyvx1/when_midgets_smoke_weed/
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A girl asks a boy on their first date

Girl : Do you smoke?
Boy : No, I don't.
Girl : Do you drink?
Boy : Hell no!
Girl : So you don't have any bad habits?
Boy : I have one.
Girl : What's that?
Boy : I lie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyurf/a_girl_asks_a_boy_on_their_first_date/
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When I integrate I don't add the constant

I guess I have my limits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyslr/when_i_integrate_i_dont_add_the_constant/
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Fidel Castro dies and goes to hell.

There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell.
There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. “What’s it like in there?” asks Fidel. “Well,” the devil replies, “in capitalist hell, they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.”
“That’s terrible!” he gasps. “I’m going to check out communist hell!” He goes over to communist hell, where he discovers a huge queue of people waiting to get in. He waits in line. Eventually he gets to the front and there at the door to communist hell is a little old man who looks a bit like Karl Marx. “I’m still in the free world, Karl,” he says, “and before I come in, I want to know what it’s like in there.”
“In communist hell,” says Marx impatiently, “they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil, and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.”
"But… but that’s the same as capitalist hell!“ protests Fidel, "Why such a long queue?”
“Well,” sighs Marx, “Sometimes we’re out of oil, sometimes we don’t have knives, sometimes not even hot water…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyrtf/fidel_castro_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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Grandson, can your dick touch your ass?

A grandson and a grandpa lived together by themselves. One day, the grandson sees his grandpa smoking a cig. Grandson asks, "Hey papaw, can I take a drag off of that?" The grandpa says, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The grandson says no, and grandpa sends him on his way.
The next day, his grandpa is drinking a beer. Grandson asks his grandpa the same question, "Hey can I have a drink of that?" Grandpa says, "Can your dick touch your ass?" Once again the boy says no, and grandpa scolds him off.
Later that day, the grandson was eating a chocolate bar. Grandpa asks if he can have a bite of his chocolate bar, so the grandson says "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa proudly says yes. So his grandson replies "Then go fuck your self."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyqb2/grandson_can_your_dick_touch_your_ass/
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Fidel Castro just passed away...

...I suppose Black Friday was too MUCH capitalism for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eynqu/fidel_castro_just_passed_away/
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Which two musicians are famous for saying, "What?"

Lil' Jon and Beethoven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eymxl/which_two_musicians_are_famous_for_saying_what/
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Whoever stole my copy of Office 365, I will find you

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eymw1/whoever_stole_my_copy_of_office_365_i_will_find/
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How do you crack a joke on r/Jokes?

ctrl+v.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyi5a/how_do_you_crack_a_joke_on_rjokes/
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Dating brass players

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah", the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and on her return the roommate asked the same question.
"Ugh!", the girl exclaimed, "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh it was just gross!".
The next night she went out with a French Horn player. "How was this one?" asked the roommate.
"Well", the girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eydzo/dating_brass_players/
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Why is George Bush in bed every night by 9:10?

Because nothing good happens after 9:11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eydnw/why_is_george_bush_in_bed_every_night_by_910/
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A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, Yum! I smell maple syrup!
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says Yum! I smell honey!
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says,  Geez, all I can smell is MOLASSES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eyd4f/a_mama_mole_a_papa_mole_and_a_baby_mole_all_live/
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Fidel Castro survived assassination attempts, coups, plagues....

....but was like, "Nah, I can't do a Trump world. Good luck y'all, I'm out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eybqn/fidel_castro_survived_assassination_attempts/
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What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eybko/whats_the_difference_between_a_genealogist_and_a/
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My son is sort of like rapunzel

But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ey9ke/my_son_is_sort_of_like_rapunzel/
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Three men are captured by cannibals..

Three men are trekking through the Amazon when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibal chief tells them that he will let them live if they can complete a series of tasks. The, men, astounded, quickly agree.
The chief tells them that the first task is to go into the jungle and retrieve ten of the same fruit.
The first man returns, having collected 10 apples. The chief tells him that he must now insert all 10 apples into his rectum, without showing any sort of emotion, or he will be killed. If he is able to do it, he will be set free. The man manages to get the first apple in, but upon inserting the second apple, cries out in pain and is quickly slaughtered and eaten.
The second man returns, having collected 10 grapes. The chief gives him the same challenge, all ten grapes up the rectum without showing emotion. The man begins,  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, but by the eighth grape, the man suddenly bursts out laughing, and is brutally slaughtered and eaten.
In heaven, the two men meet. The first one says "What happened? You almost had it, why did you laugh?"
The second man says "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ey827/three_men_are_captured_by_cannibals/
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Fidel Castro just died, Cubans can be finally happy that their country will be ruled by the young generation led by a much younger leader.

His 85 year old brother!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ey7y4/fidel_castro_just_died_cubans_can_be_finally/
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As an adult, I don't like talking about church

I went as a kid, but it's a touchy subject

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ey2si/as_an_adult_i_dont_like_talking_about_church/
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Why are gardeners better problem solvers than politicians

Because gardeners really get to the root of the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ey17j/why_are_gardeners_better_problem_solvers_than/
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What did Woody say to Buzz?

A lot. There were 3 movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ey13m/what_did_woody_say_to_buzz/
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Rich man/Poor man

Rich man and Poor man are having dinner
Poor man asks the rich man "what you get your wife this Christmas?"
Rich man says "a diamond ring and a Mercedes"
Poor man says "why those two?"
Rich man says "if she don't like the ring she can return it while driving her new Mercedes"
Poor man says "oh, smart thinking, I did the same thing, I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo"
Rich man says "why those two?"
Poor man says "cause if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exzkx/rich_manpoor_man/
%
A hilly billy wants to become a journalist.

So he moves to California and gets his journalism degree. For his final project he is supposed to go to his hometown and write a story on "Happy Times." He goes back to his hillbilly hometown and finds an old hillbilly sittin on his porch widdling wood. He explains his situation and the hillbilly agrees to the interview. The new journalist says "tell me a story on happy times and the old man replies "one time my neighbour lost his sheep in the woods, so we gathered a search party and when we found it, we all took turns on it" the journalist was like i cant write that, "tell me another happy story" the old man replies again "one time my neighbour lost his daughter in the woods, so we gathered a search party and when we found her we all took turns on her" the journalist thought this story was worse and decided to use some reverse psychology and says "tell me a story on sad times" the old man looks down real sad and says "i got lost once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exx7d/a_hilly_billy_wants_to_become_a_journalist/
%
I had a 12 inch Italian last night

Then I went to Subway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exx5b/i_had_a_12_inch_italian_last_night/
%
Whenever I'm sad, my dad tells me "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exv11/whenever_im_sad_my_dad_tells_me_cheer_up_man_it/
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Once, there was a monk

This monk wore no shoes, so his feet became really, really, tough. He also ate a diet consisting of only garlic, which made him weak and gave him bad breath.
This made him a *super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-with-halitosis*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exuds/once_there_was_a_monk/
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A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

... when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. That totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exubl/a_couple_of_years_ago_one_night_i_was_about_to/
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A woman became tired of her husband farting in the bed...

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exs39/a_woman_became_tired_of_her_husband_farting_in/
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A redditor discovers that the world will end in 23 hours...

The news never even got to report on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exqd6/a_redditor_discovers_that_the_world_will_end_in/
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A 6 year old & a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

“You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell & you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen & asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, guess I'll have some Cheerios.” WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, & runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room & shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old & asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?” “I don't know”, he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exp4f/a_6_year_old_a_4_year_old_are_upstairs_in_their/
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Someone stole my empty batteries....

But it's ok, they were free of charge!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exjm5/someone_stole_my_empty_batteries/
%
In congested traffic, it's best to stay on the right side of the road.

It'd be a real tragedy if you were on the wrong side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exgir/in_congested_traffic_its_best_to_stay_on_the/
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Eating pussy is like going on a roadtrip with your wife

You don't want to stop and ask for directions and you dont want to admit that a handheld device could do a better job than you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exfv6/eating_pussy_is_like_going_on_a_roadtrip_with/
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Meghan Trainor's business cards' must be pretty simple.

Name: No
Number: No
Affiliation: No
Contact address: No

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exfnz/meghan_trainors_business_cards_must_be_pretty/
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Two sisters get $1000 inheritance

They own a ranch with about 100 cows but no bull. They decide to use their inheritance to get a bull so they can expand their ranch. The first sister drives a few towns over to buy the best prize bull in the state but it costs $999. She buys it anyway, knowing that she will only have one dollar left to her name after the purchase, and no way to get the bull back home.  She heads over to the telegram office to notify her sister but they are charging $1 per word. What word does she choose?
Comfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exffg/two_sisters_get_1000_inheritance/
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Trump has named Bernie Madoff as Head of Treasury Department

Madoffs response when he learned of the appointment:
"Pardon Me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exf8q/trump_has_named_bernie_madoff_as_head_of_treasury/
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Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exdwo/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
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Which US President was least guilty?

Lincoln. He was in a cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5excdk/which_us_president_was_least_guilty/
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Gravity is a harsh mistress...

*... but she has reasonable rates!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exbdq/gravity_is_a_harsh_mistress/
%
A woman ask her therapist about her husband's temper

The therapist asks, "What's the problem?"
The woman replies, " I don't know what to do. My husband loses his temper everyday for no reason and it is starting to scare me."
The therapist advises, "I think I know a solution. When your husband starts getting angry, just take a gulp of water and hold it in your mouth. Don't swallow until he calms down".
A month later, the woman returns with good news. She reports to her therapist, "That was a brilliant. Every time my husband gets angry I take a gulp of water and just swish it in my mouth and he calms down immediately. How does it work?"
The therapist answers, "It's not the water. It's you keeping your mouth shut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exaqa/a_woman_ask_her_therapist_about_her_husbands/
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A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding...

.....but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "Last year my wife ran away with a cop. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5exagt/a_police_officer_attempts_to_stop_a_car_for/
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The government forcibly took over MarshallMathers.com

They cited Eminem domain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ex9k3/the_government_forcibly_took_over/
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I heard laughter is the best medicine

, so I went to the local hospital, found some cancer patients, and laughed at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ex7t4/i_heard_laughter_is_the_best_medicine/
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Where does a guy from Arkansas go to pick up girls?

Family reunions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ex7pg/where_does_a_guy_from_arkansas_go_to_pick_up_girls/
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I have a MASSIVE heroine problem...

I'm addicted to fat women who save my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ex7jj/i_have_a_massive_heroine_problem/
%
I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ex5l0/i_sleep_better_naked/
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How many guys in the friend zone does it take to change in a light bulb?

None.  They just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ex4pi/how_many_guys_in_the_friend_zone_does_it_take_to/
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Fisherman and Game Warden

A fisherman was stopped by a game warden just north of Kentucky’s Lake Cumberland recently with two ice chests of fish.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The fisherman looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The fisherman poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, whut?" said the fisherman?
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ex337/fisherman_and_game_warden/
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What is green and has wheels

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ex2oy/what_is_green_and_has_wheels/
%
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe.

The giraffe gets drunk and falls over. The man goes to leave and the bartender says, "ey, you can't just leave that lyin' there!” and the man says, "it's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ex0xb/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_giraffe/
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My lesbian neighbors got me two fake Rolex for my birthday....

I guess they misunderstood when I told them I wanted to watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewwo1/my_lesbian_neighbors_got_me_two_fake_rolex_for_my/
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What do you call a Sith Lord who lives in the woods?

Darth Deciduous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewvi7/what_do_you_call_a_sith_lord_who_lives_in_the/
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My girlfriend and i are quite similar

They're both imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewujh/my_girlfriend_and_i_are_quite_similar/
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A teenage boy is getting ready to bring his girlfriend to prom.

First he goes to rent a tuxedo, but there's a long line at the rental office. He waits for a while but soon gets a tux. Next on his list is a limo. He calls but there's a long line of callers and he is put on hold for an hour. He waits it out and is able to order his limo. Then on his list is flowers. He heads to the florist and there is a very long flower line. Patiently he waits it out and soon gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes around. He and his girlfriend are dancing and they are having a great time. Once the song ends his girlfriend asks him to get some punch for the two of them. He heads over to the punch table and there is no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewsoq/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_bring_his/
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What's better than getting second place at the special Olympics?

Not being retarded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewsnz/whats_better_than_getting_second_place_at_the/
%
My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion.

I said "yeah it's pretty straightforward"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewqgl/my_physics_teacher_asked_me_if_i_understood_the/
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What do you call Italian marijuana?

A pizza joint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewoc8/what_do_you_call_italian_marijuana/
%
I only stop browsing Reddit when I accidentally hit something

..or when it's time to wipe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewo6p/i_only_stop_browsing_reddit_when_i_accidentally/
%
Please stop

A guy jumps a car on a bike and crashes hard. doctors amputate both his legs.Being the daredevil that he is he jumps his wheelchair over a bus and again crashes even harder. He's so messed up now the doctors have to do a full body amputation.His family plead with him to stop while he's ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewmv5/please_stop/
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World renowned cartoonist found dead in their home!!

At the moment, details are sketchy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewmae/world_renowned_cartoonist_found_dead_in_their_home/
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Why is the oval office oval shaped?

Because the government cuts corners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewlng/why_is_the_oval_office_oval_shaped/
%
A policeman on patrol calls his fellow cop on the station...

COP 1: Hey, I got a weird case over here
COP 2: What is it buddy?
COP 1: Im here at the front porch of an elderly couple's house
COP 2: So?
COP 1: Someone called me to go to this house because they heard shouting and stuff. And you wouldn't believe what happened...
COP 2: What happened?
COP 1: The wife stabbed her husband to death
COP 2: How did you know?
COP 1: As she opened the door, I saw her in tears, with fresh blood on her hands, the husband layiing lifeless on the floor beside the murder weapon, and she told everything to me
COP 2: What exactly happened before the murder?
COP 1: Apparently she has just finished mopping the floor, and her husband just walked inside with his muddy boots on. I guess some pent-up anger just came to a boil.
COP 2: Well, that's sad. Have you arrested her?
COP 1: Nope.
COP 2: Why?
COP 1: The floor's still wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewkms/a_policeman_on_patrol_calls_his_fellow_cop_on_the/
%
toe curl

A virgin is finally getting his groove on with a willing young lady for the first time. Afterwards he's got a few questions about the experience and has to ask, What's the deal with your toes curling up every time I put my dick in you. Well she responded, you were so eager to get it on you didn't give me enough time to take my nylons off!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewiu0/toe_curl/
%
My wife was struggling to open the freezer

In the end she gave up, and froze to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewiu1/my_wife_was_struggling_to_open_the_freezer/
%
Success is like pregnancy...

Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewifr/success_is_like_pregnancy/
%
Fake news isn't the problem

It's Fake headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewg95/fake_news_isnt_the_problem/
%
Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "In hindsight, circumcision was probably not the best choice as an opener."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewg42/three_holy_men_and_a_bear/
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What does the KKK member dream of during the holidays?

A White Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewfnq/what_does_the_kkk_member_dream_of_during_the/
%
I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess

That’s how i lost my job as a pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewekv/i_was_woken_on_the_plane_by_a_panicky_stewardess/
%
I hate it when homeless people shake their cups with change in it at me

I get it, you have more money than me so stop showing off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewea0/i_hate_it_when_homeless_people_shake_their_cups/
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What is a Word documents least favorite blood type?

Type-O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewcj8/what_is_a_word_documents_least_favorite_blood_type/
%
"Doctor, I've got this very strange condition...

...I fart all the time, but they don't smell and are completely silent. You probably didn't notice, but I've farted six times since you entered the room."
The doctor nods and writes a script. "Take these and come back in a week."
A week later the old lady comes back to the doctor "You sonofabitch! I don't know what you gave me but it just made everything worse. I still fart all the time, they are still silent, but now they all stink!"
The doctor nods and says "Well, we cleared your sinuses, now let's see what we can do about your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewbb0/doctor_ive_got_this_very_strange_condition/
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How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's a hardware problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ewayb/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What does Charlie Bucket call Willy Wonka?

His Sugar Daddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ew8m6/what_does_charlie_bucket_call_willy_wonka/
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I heard that wordplay was illegal.

Apparently there is serious PUNishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ew6yi/i_heard_that_wordplay_was_illegal/
%
TIL Dr Dre adopted a child from Mexico

The child calls him his "PaDre"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ew5hq/til_dr_dre_adopted_a_child_from_mexico/
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I needed a password 8 characters long ..

.. so I used Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ew456/i_needed_a_password_8_characters_long/
%
I went to Africa and spoke with the people there...

It just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ew3jk/i_went_to_africa_and_spoke_with_the_people_there/
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Pessimist had not sex for a long time

Optimist had sex but long ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ew15l/pessimist_had_not_sex_for_a_long_time/
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Did you hear about the Navy hangar that doubles as a church?

It's a house of warship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ew140/did_you_hear_about_the_navy_hangar_that_doubles/
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Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"?

Because everything is a steal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evyc9/why_do_they_call_the_day_after_thanksgiving_black/
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Double Whammy

So about a year and a half ago, I started dating a girl who loved to hear me play guitar. Her name was Alice, and probably her favorite song I played was Barracuda, and she was really into 80s music and culture. I really liked this girl and wanted to get serious, so I decided I wanted to get her something special for Christmas.
I don't own any music on vinyl, except I did have the album Bad Animals by Heart (who wrote Barracuda), so I decided to give it to her.
Cue Christmas day, when I made time to go see her between family Christmas celebration so that I could give her the album as a present. I was so excited, but when she opened it, she looked a little underwhelmed. I guess I had amped up the present a little too much, because I could tell she didn't really like it.
That night my dad got a vinyl record player, and so he asked me if I had my heart album we could listen to it, but since we didn't have it, the only other album we could find was by one of my least favorite bands, Tears for Fears. It was an all around horrible day.
The next day, I found out that she had re-gifted it to her mom, and I was really upset. We got in a huge argument and eventually her mom felt bad enough that she gave me the album back.
We mended things and are doing all around a whole lot better than last year. This Christmas season is already going a lot better, and have decided to try and gift the album again, but this time to my cousin who is a little mentally handicapped. She is really into Heart and would absolutely love the album, and it just kinda brings back bad memories for me. Plus, since she will be at my house this Christmas we can listen to it instead of that horrible Tears for Fears album.
The only problem is that this year, Alice hinted that I should give her the album again (she has started to listen to Heart regularly and really enjoys their music now). She had been hinting but I had deflected and kinda changed the subject every time it was brought up until the other day when she told me straight up "I would really like that album for Christmas this year. I'm sorry I gave it to my mom, that was wrong of me, but I would love to have it this year."
I was very frustrated, and replied, "Last Christmas I gave you my Heart, but the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from Tears, I'll give it to someone special."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evx16/double_whammy/
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The room is 15$ a night.

Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night.
It's $5 if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evwrd/the_room_is_15_a_night/
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Whos the funniest disney princess?

raPUNzel
*sits there laughing to self*
...so lonely..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evv9x/whos_the_funniest_disney_princess/
%
Why was the first computer never invited to dinner?

It would just take a few bytes then run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evuy0/why_was_the_first_computer_never_invited_to_dinner/
%
So I'm banging this chick and she looks back and me and says, "DADDY I'm CUMMINGGG"....

So I say "Hi Cumming, I'm Dad".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evthd/so_im_banging_this_chick_and_she_looks_back_and/
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How to get on the front page

Not like this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evscr/how_to_get_on_the_front_page/
%
I like my coffee like I like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evqzs/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
I have just watched a documentary on marijuana.

I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evpu7/i_have_just_watched_a_documentary_on_marijuana/
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UK and USA are in a contest to destroy themselves.

The UK edged ahead with Brexit, but the US just played their trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evo93/uk_and_usa_are_in_a_contest_to_destroy_themselves/
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Closing walls and ticking clocks...

A man dies and ends up in heaven.
He's standing in front of the Pearly Gates chatting to St Peter when, all of a sudden, he sees that behind him is a huge wall covered in are hundreds and hundreds of clocks.
And the man's intrigued.  He asks St Peter, "Why do you have all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered: "Ah, the clocks. We're very proud of them. What they do is very special."
He leaned closer to the man and his eyes lit up as he spoke.
"Every human, everyone who has ever been on Earth, has one of these special clocks for them.  You see, every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock move."
"I see!", said the man. He walks up to one of the clocks. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's" replies St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie in her whole life."
"Incredible", says the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responds, "That clock belonged to Gandhi. If you look...the hands have moved, but only twice, telling us that he told only two lies in his entire life."
"That's amazing!" says the man.
There's a pause.
Then the man asks, "Where's Tony Blair's clock?"
St Peter replies: "We're using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evm5w/closing_walls_and_ticking_clocks/
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I know it's just bad luck that what I post never reaches the front page.

After all, I've definitely seen it there before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evkgj/i_know_its_just_bad_luck_that_what_i_post_never/
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Do you know why the Little Mermaid wore seashells?

Because she was too small for D shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evjik/do_you_know_why_the_little_mermaid_wore_seashells/
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How do you feel when there's no coffee?

Depresso.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eviin/how_do_you_feel_when_theres_no_coffee/
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A BLONDE & HER TWO COATS

While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room.
After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing.
She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the living room."
He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked, "Why are you wearing two coats?
She replied, "I read the directions on the paint can, and they said, ''For best results, put on two coats!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evhc3/a_blonde_her_two_coats/
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I've been told I'm condescending.

(That means I talk down to people.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evegb/ive_been_told_im_condescending/
%
Kyiv subway. A middle-aged woman enters the train.

Young guy stands up from his seat and lets her sit down.
Woman: Young man, are you from Lviv?
Guy: Why do you think so?
Woman: You are the only one to give me a seat.
Guy: You are right, I'm from Lviv. And you must be from Donetsk.
Woman: Yeah. But how have you guessed it?
Guy: You haven't even thanked me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evd44/kyiv_subway_a_middleaged_woman_enters_the_train/
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The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5evc1h/the_new_father/
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why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?

Yoda was In charge of scheduling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ev9yc/why_did_star_wars_episodes_45_and_6_come_before_1/
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Milking a cow

A city dweller recently got married to a beautiful farm girl. One day, the wife gets homesick and pleads with him to head down to the farm for the holidays.
The husband is not very receptive to this idea since he's clueless about farm work and his father-in-law often embarasses him in front of others about this fact. Nevertheless, he eventually relents so they drive down to the farm early morning.
Upon arriving, the father immediately picks on him. This continues throughout the day as they get to meet the rest of the staff and neighbors. Furious, the husband decides he's had enough and secretly vows to prove to them that he's not as inept at farm work as he looks.
When they're all asleep, he gets up very early in the morning, and heads down to the barn. He spots the animal, puts a bucket underneath, and sits down right beside it. Not knowing quite well how to initiate things, he goes gently at first but nothing comes out. He starts squeezing harder and faster until finally the stuff comes out. Delighted having accomplished this, he sets out to fill the bucket completey.
Many hours later, he returns to the house and sees the family sitting round the dinner table. The wife has a worried look in her face. The father yells, "Where the hell you been boy? You had my daughter worried sick that you got lost out there!" The husband, unphased, sweating profusely and his clothes all stained, puts his boot in one of the chairs, places the bucket hard on the table, picks up a glass, scoops the stuff out in one motion, and drinks it all in one gulp. Afterwards, he confidently proclaims, "I'll have you know I worked the farm this morning! Right here I got a bucket of the good stuff that I alone got from your cow. Yeah, that's right, this city dweller can handle farm work just fine. What do you have to say about that old man?"
The father stares at him blankly, "Son, we don't have a cow. We only have a bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ev5t4/milking_a_cow/
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Bush, Obama and Trump go to a job interview with God...

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well", says God. "Come sit to my right."
Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good", says God. "You shall sit to my left."
Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"
Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5euzhh/bush_obama_and_trump_go_to_a_job_interview_with/
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Who wants to hear an appendectomy joke?

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5euzat/who_wants_to_hear_an_appendectomy_joke/
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My old man always told me to take the lead

I was never the brighest kid in class, i always saw myself as the silent type who sat silently in the back of the class. Maybe there was a reason for that, I always loved to look at myself as the mysterious type of person.
During my years of highschool, i never had a girlfriend, dont really know how to talk to girls. Never really had a lot of friends neither. I spent mostly my time in front of a screen or building trebuchets in my room. The one who introduced me to my passion for building trebuchets was
no other than my old man, Steve.
I always felt that my father Steve was the opposite of me, outgoing, bright but non less, romanticly sucessful.
Currently he's the father of three, including me. Everyone knew Steve and everyone loved him. There was this one time, he told me something which has stucked with me till this day.
Listen son, if there is ever a girl you like, remember to take the lead. Thats the only way you will ever be romanticly sucessfull.
A girl that i liked? Yeah maybe, there was this 8/10 grill in my class which i always thought was a cute.
The next day after my old man told me those word, something amazing happend. I was chilling in the school basement looking at youtube videos of building trebuchets.
Suddenly i heard a voice, it was the 8/10 grill. My heart starts beating really fast. I could see her beutifull shadow holding a pencil case and some books.
Maybe she's gonna study in the school basement? Who knows. Right at the moment she slips her foot at the end of the stairs, she fell towards the ground.
Luckily there was just a 25cm gap between the end of the stair and the floor, no big deal. I stand up and starts to walk to her. The words of my old man kept
reapiting itself in my head, " take the lead, take the lead". I look at her, she looks absolutely stunning. I look at her and lift the pencil case while my eyes is still at her,
her face is blushing, probably of embaresment. My hands slips slowly into the pencil case, smooth and slow. I pull out some of her pencils and whispers in her ear
" Sorry, but i think im gonna take the lead from you"
My old man always told me to take the lead if there's a girl i liked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5euyxv/my_old_man_always_told_me_to_take_the_lead/
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Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous

I see a lot of new faces here this week, and I just want you to know I'm disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5euy4y/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts_anonymous/
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Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know.
I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies,“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5euwvr/three_sisters_ages_92_94_and_96_live_in_a_house/
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I'm going to open a sperm bank.

I'll call it "Get a load of that guy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5euwkp/im_going_to_open_a_sperm_bank/
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Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

Because I really don't like running the 400M dash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5euu44/is_it_wrong_to_hate_a_certain_race/
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I don't understand Christians

They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eusfu/i_dont_understand_christians/
%
I saw a lake monster!!! He was walking up out of the water and onto the shore!!!

Littorally!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eupq5/i_saw_a_lake_monster_he_was_walking_up_out_of_the/
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I was gonna tell a Holocaust joke

but I ran out of gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eunkb/i_was_gonna_tell_a_holocaust_joke/
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Who's the most famous jewish Pokemon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eumm7/whos_the_most_famous_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
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My Favorite Bear Joke

A bear hunter gets a new gun for Christmas from his wife. Excited, he goes into the forest to hunt some bears. Soon, he sees a black bear, grabs his gun and shoots it. As the hunter is walking up to the carcass, he feels a tap on his shoulder. Scared he whips around and its a Brown bear who says "You just killed my best friend. There are two options for you. Either A-I rape you, or B-I maul and kill you" The hunter, not wanting to die picks to be raped.
He waddles home, and doesn't tell anyone. But after a year he regains his confidence and goes back out into the woods. He sees a brown bear and he shoots it. After going to get the carcass, he feels another tap on his shoulder. He turns around and its a Grizzly bear. The bear gives the hunter the same two options,as he had just killed its best friend. The hunter once again chooses option b.
He waddles home, and tells no one. But finally, after another year he goes out again. He kills a grizzly bear, and as he goes to clean the carcass, he feels the tap on his shoulder. Its a polar bear, and the bear says, "You dont come here for the Hunting do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5euj09/my_favorite_bear_joke/
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I tried to explain what a double entendre is

But it’s sooo hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eugtb/i_tried_to_explain_what_a_double_entendre_is/
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My friends are named after what they do...

My friend Butch is a butcher, my friend Taylor is a tailor, and my black friend's name is Rob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eugd4/my_friends_are_named_after_what_they_do/
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What do you call a recently created sub-atomic particle?

New-tron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eufys/what_do_you_call_a_recently_created_subatomic/
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I took a photo while my plane was landing and got arrested...

Apparently, its in-descent exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eufp7/i_took_a_photo_while_my_plane_was_landing_and_got/
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What does trump call the loose skin around a vagina?

A woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eucbs/what_does_trump_call_the_loose_skin_around_a/
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What do comedians do when they get tired of doing standup comedy?

Sitcoms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5euadg/what_do_comedians_do_when_they_get_tired_of_doing/
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Heard this in Dublin yesterday.

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.
One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eu972/heard_this_in_dublin_yesterday/
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Looks like my prof is giving black friday deals too

50% off late assignments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eu72w/looks_like_my_prof_is_giving_black_friday_deals/
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Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex

with a younger looking girl
"Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing bangin' that chick. She looks like she's in highschool"
Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eu6me/watson_walks_in_on_sherlock_having_sex/
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What did Melania Trump have on her Black Friday shopping list?

A copy of everything Michelle Obama had on her list

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eu52v/what_did_melania_trump_have_on_her_black_friday/
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I had a dream that my friend Martin became the ruler of all bath sponges.

We called him Martin Loofah King.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5etsvv/i_had_a_dream_that_my_friend_martin_became_the/
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They always punch up the fuckline.

Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5etqpv/they_always_punch_up_the_fuckline/
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An explorer in the deepest Amazon

suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals.
Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief.
He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Now you're screwed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5etp4j/an_explorer_in_the_deepest_amazon/
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Knowledge is Power

They always say knowledge is power, but I'm pretty sure I can beat up Stephen Hawking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5etmou/knowledge_is_power/
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Oxygen and magnesium went on a date...

OMg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5etkd8/oxygen_and_magnesium_went_on_a_date/
%
A cucumber , a pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said : "Man my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."
So the pickle looks at him and says: "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me and sticks me in a jar."
The penis glared at them both and said: "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5etk1p/a_cucumber_a_pickle_and_a_penis_were_all_sitting/
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France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other

France surrenders
Italy changes sides
Both lose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5etivj/france_and_italy_simultaneously_declare_war_on/
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What happens when you drop a decimal point in water ?

it floats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5etfk6/what_happens_when_you_drop_a_decimal_point_in/
%
Why is Santa so Jolly?

He knows where all the BAD girls live.
(not oc)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eteex/why_is_santa_so_jolly/
%
You know, I'm really glad Ben Carson didn't end up being Secretary of Education.

I really didn't want our kids learning that the food pyramid was built to store grain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5etby9/you_know_im_really_glad_ben_carson_didnt_end_up/
%
Hitler dies and God calls him...

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"
Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".
God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".
"See, not even you care about Jews!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5etbvj/hitler_dies_and_god_calls_him/
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Men at 25 plays football.

Men at 40 plays tennis.
Men at 60 plays golf.
Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5et96h/men_at_25_plays_football/
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*I* actually went through with a threesome.

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5et5hd/i_actually_went_through_with_a_threesome/
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Stalin talks to a workr

Farm worker: Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God!
Stalin: But God does not exist.
Farm worker: And neither do the potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5et04e/stalin_talks_to_a_workr/
%
A couple go to a fancy restaurant

The food arrives at the table
Husband: "The food looks delicious, let's eat!"
Wife: "But honey, you always say a prayer before we start eating at home."
Husband: "That's at home sweetheart... here the chef knows how to cook!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eszqa/a_couple_go_to_a_fancy_restaurant/
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A woman marries a man and has 10 children...

The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The next man dies so the woman remarries again and has ten more children.
That man dies so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Good god! They’re finally together!"
A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”
The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eszfa/a_woman_marries_a_man_and_has_10_children/
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What do you say to comfort the grammar nazi?

There, their, they're...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5esyl2/what_do_you_say_to_comfort_the_grammar_nazi/
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You know what the best part of having dyslexia is?

I have sex daily

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5esxcm/you_know_what_the_best_part_of_having_dyslexia_is/
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Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day

, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull. The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows." The second bull chimes in, "I know that's right. He's not touching any of my 250 cows." The third bull, the youngest of the bunch, pipes up and says "I've only been here a year, I know I'm not as big and strong as you guys but I've earned my 10 cows and he's not getting a single one!" About this time, a large truck pulling a trailer backs in to the ranch and begins to unload a 4,000 pound monster of a bull. He is so big that the steel ramp is bending with every step he takes. The youngest bull begins huffing and grunting and scraping the ground with his foot. The oldest bull looks at him and says "Son, use your head. Give up a few cows and live to tell about it." The youngest bull replies "Hell, he can have all of my cows, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5esw69/three_bulls_were_standing_around_the_farm_yard/
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I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5esif5/i_thought_my_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife_from/
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I thought about attending an orgy...

But if I wanted to disappoint many people at once, I could just post this joke on Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eshx1/i_thought_about_attending_an_orgy/
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Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

To stop hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5esdpn/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
There was life on mars.

Was. It was a cat.
Then Curiosity killed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5esdda/there_was_life_on_mars/
%
Give a man a jacket

And he'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket and he'll never leave the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5esd73/give_a_man_a_jacket/
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Two men, Tom and Joe, have loved baseball more than anything their entire lives

. One day Tom says to Joe, "If you die before me, promise me you'll come back and tell me if there is baseball in Heaven."
Joe agrees and makes Tom promise the same thing. About a week later Tom dies.
One night Joe wakes up to somebody calling his name. Scared, he asks, "Who's there?"
Suddenly Tom appears and says, "Hi Joe. I'm coming here from Heaven. I've got some good news and some bad news. I'll give you the good news first, there is baseball in heaven!"
Joe gets very excited, but then he asks, "What's the bad news?"
Tom looks at him grimly and says, "I looked at the lineup and you're pitching tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5esc98/two_men_tom_and_joe_have_loved_baseball_more_than/
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The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around

. Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, "What do you think you're doing?"
The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."
The CEO is furious, "What do you make a week?"
The man tells him, "About $200 a week."
The CEO pulls out his wallet and hand the man $400 and says, "There's your two weeks, now get out of here!" After the man leaves he turns to his employees and asks, "What do you think about that?"
One of the employees stands up and says, "I think he just got the largest tip he's ever gotten on a single pizza."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5esc0k/the_new_ceo_of_a_company_comes_into_work/
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There are two secrets in life

The first is "Never tell anyone everything you know"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5esa1m/there_are_two_secrets_in_life/
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A man got hit in the head with a drink...

It's okay, though; it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5es9xr/a_man_got_hit_in_the_head_with_a_drink/
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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5es8ok/girls_use_chemicals_to_remove_polish_and_no_one/
%
A short joke my GF told me

My penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5es6te/a_short_joke_my_gf_told_me/
%
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar..

It could happen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5es41g/two_irishmen_walk_out_of_a_bar/
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That's a nice ham you got there

It'd be a shame if someone put an "S" in front and an "E" behind it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5es39u/thats_a_nice_ham_you_got_there/
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What did the blonde's right leg say to her left leg?

Nothing.  They haven't met yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5es1eg/what_did_the_blondes_right_leg_say_to_her_left_leg/
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What do you call a dinosaur with explosive diarrhea?

A shitty-sore-ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5es17w/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_with_explosive/
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Mommy mommy what are they doing? Long joke

A kid and his mom were walking through the park one day and see two squirrels humping.
The kid asks "mommy mommy mommy, what are they doing?"
The mom says "they're uh.. baking a cake"
Kid says ok.
The next day the kid and his mom are walking through the park and see two rabbits going at it.
The kid asks "mommy mommy mommy, what are they doing?!"
The mom says "they're uh... baking a cake"
Kid goes "oh ok"
Next day the kid runs up to his mom in excitement "mommy mommy mommy you and daddy were baking a cake last night!"
Mom's awe struck. "How do you know?!"
Kid says "I licked the icing off the couch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erxmu/mommy_mommy_what_are_they_doing_long_joke/
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Farmer Joe's Bull, breaks down the fence, yet again....

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erx8t/farmer_joes_bull_breaks_down_the_fence_yet_again/
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Dumbo is an unusual nickname for an Elephant

But I guess naming my son Elephant wasn't very conventional either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erx3u/dumbo_is_an_unusual_nickname_for_an_elephant/
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I'm opening a pet grooming business.

I'm calling it "Bitch, I will cut you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erv7f/im_opening_a_pet_grooming_business/
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A deeply religious man is on a cruise ship...

All of a sudden, a loud crashing sound is heard, and the ship begins to sink. Everyone runs to the lifeboats and begins escaping the ship. The man however, stays on the ship. All the life boats are gonna but one. A woman is heard yelling
"Quick! Get on the boat! There's room for only one more!"
The man replies "No thank you madam, God will save me."
The lifeboat departs, and everyone is gone but this man. Minutes later, a fishing boat approaches the nearly capsized ship.
"Come on, get down from there! I can help!" the fisherman yells.
"No thank you sir, God will save me." The man replies.
Several minutes later, when the ship is on the verge of being completely underwater, a helicopter arises above it. A ladder is flung down.
"Grab the ladder and climb up!" say the people on the helicopter.
"No thank you, God will save me!" he yells.
"This is your last chance, grab the ladder and climb up!"
The man does not respond, and simply stands there. The helicopter leaves, the ship sinks, and the man dies. He arrives in heaven shortly thereafter. He goes to God and says
"God, I put my faith in you, trusting that you would help me but you simply left me to die!"
God responds:
"My child, on three separate occasions did I give you help, and not once did you take it!"
Old joke from when I was a kid, can't remember where I heard it. On an unrelated note, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erul5/a_deeply_religious_man_is_on_a_cruise_ship/
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My girlfriend is like my iPhone 6

I don't have an iPhone 6

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eruei/my_girlfriend_is_like_my_iphone_6/
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The way to treat women is always in your heart.

Beat beat beat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erstz/the_way_to_treat_women_is_always_in_your_heart/
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Two boys argue over whose parents are better.

The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."
The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."
The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erqln/two_boys_argue_over_whose_parents_are_better/
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Not all of the weird sexual stuff you hear about is as good as it's cracked up to be...

I mean you can tell me how great autoerotic asphyxiation is till you're blue in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ern9e/not_all_of_the_weird_sexual_stuff_you_hear_about/
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I'm gonna stay a virgin my entire life

I wanna set a good example for my kids!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erkil/im_gonna_stay_a_virgin_my_entire_life/
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I'm officially unsubscribing from r/Jokes

I'm sick of all the dumb puns, I'm quitting cold turkey
Happy Thanksgiving people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erjl4/im_officially_unsubscribing_from_rjokes/
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What does a dyslexic zombie say?

Brian's ... Briiiiiiiiian's!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erie3/what_does_a_dyslexic_zombie_say/
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Why are orphans terrible at baseball?

They've never known what home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erg1t/why_are_orphans_terrible_at_baseball/
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What's the difference between a pot head and a person who physically abuses children?

One is good at rolling blunts, the other is good at bowling runts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erf59/whats_the_difference_between_a_pot_head_and_a/
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Did you hear about the Mexican Train Killer?

He had loco motives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erdxj/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_killer/
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Me trying to impress a girl

Girl: I'm Into horror movies
Me: My dad's a serial killer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ercrh/me_trying_to_impress_a_girl/
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What's the hardest thing about skydiving?

The ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erb91/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_skydiving/
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Give a pilgrim some corn...

He eats for a day, teach a pilgrim to grow corn...
He kills your people and takes your land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5erahh/give_a_pilgrim_some_corn/
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In heaven, in order to see what vehicle you will be given, Peter must ask you a question...

The first man comes up, and Peter asks,
"Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
The man answers, "no never!" Peter replies, "ok, you get a Rolls Royce."
A second man comes up, Peter asks him the same question and he answers, "well once or twice, but only in the first year!"
"Ok, you get a Buick"
A third man comes up, Peter asks him the question, and he answers, "yeah, but not the last year!"
"Ok, you get a pinto"
Later on, inside heaven, the man with the Rolls Royce was seen crying. Some people come up to him as asked "What are you crying about? You have the Rolls Royce!"
"I just saw my wife, and she was on a skateboard".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5er9l5/in_heaven_in_order_to_see_what_vehicle_you_will/
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I planted some daffodils on Aunt Millie's grave. She never liked them, but....

after a while they started to grow on her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5er9ad/i_planted_some_daffodils_on_aunt_millies_grave/
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If life gives you melons

You might be dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5er8ck/if_life_gives_you_melons/
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Why are school shooters more likely to be white people?

White people actually go to school. Black people stay home and shoot people in their own neighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5er6wr/why_are_school_shooters_more_likely_to_be_white/
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I had a terrible cross-eyed teacher in primary schoool

She could never keep her pupils under control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5er6d2/i_had_a_terrible_crosseyed_teacher_in_primary/
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I know a place where the recycling rate is 99%

/r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5er68s/i_know_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_99/
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In the Wild West [NSFW]

Two cowboys are staying a couple miles outside of town on a trail they used for herding cattle. While taking a shit behind a bush, one cowboys gets bitten on the penis by a rattle snake. He alerts his friend, who jumps on his horse and races toward town seeking a cure. He reaches the doctors office and runs inside. The doc explains to him that the only way to save his friend is to suck the poison out. The cowboy jumps back on his horse and races back to his ailing friend. When he reaches his camp, the frantic cowboy cries out:
"What did the doctor say?"
To which his friend replies:
"He said you're gonna die!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5er60k/in_the_wild_west_nsfw/
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What does the Incredible Hulk bring to the Avenger's Thanksgiving meal?

Smashed potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5er5m4/what_does_the_incredible_hulk_bring_to_the/
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What's the difference between a semicolon and a cat?

One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other has claws at the end of it's paws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5er4t5/whats_the_difference_between_a_semicolon_and_a_cat/
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[Loong] Big red trike.

A young boy named Jimmy, 5 years old, is looking through the Sears catalog. His birthday is coming up and he wants something great this year. Something *awesome*.  So he's flipping through the catalog, going through all the Lego bricks, toy sets, whatever right? Well on the very last page of the section, Jimmy spots his heart's greatest desire. A big red metal trike. You know it. He just can't stop thinking about it. Day in day out, big red trike. Nap time? Big red trike. He asks everyone. He asks his mom, his dad, his brother, his sister, his aunts and uncles, big red trike. Big. Red. Trike. *BIG RED TRIKE*. and eventually his birthday comes around... his parents bring him a big box.. sure enough it has a big red trike in it!! Jimmy is so excited! He rides up the street, down the street, uptown, downtown, EVERY where. Eventually he gets to this big hill. He looks up at this monsterous hill and thinks to himself, "I have a big red trike! I can go anywhere!" So he backs up and gets a little bit of speed, and strains and strains to produce the necessary torque to get going on the hill. He gets about quarter the way up sweating like he's hungover, and the trike snaps into a million pieces flying down the hill with him. Being 5, he obviously is a little hurt. Eventually he gathers himself and remembers his sister lives just down the street from this hill.
*knock knock*
Jimmy's sister answers the door. She is so surprised to see him, wondering why he's on this side of town so late, and asks what's the matter. "My trike broke! I cant get home or anything!" and Jimmy's sister decides, being a nun, to help her little brother out and have him stay for the night since she hasn't seen him in *ages!* So she cooks him supper and prepares the guest room, and tells him his trike will be fixed in the morning. After supper, Jimmy's awfully tired so his sister reads him a bedtime story. "Sister, can you do me another favour?" Jimmy asks, just after the story. "Yes of course Jimmy, what ever you need!" his sister replies. "Well.. i need a big red apple and a piece of strig about a foot long." Jimmy's sister is a reserved type, being in the church she's found no reason to ponder upon other people's business, so she doesn't ask him why, but obliges with his request, and he's off to sleep.
He leaves in the morning on his big red trike.
Lets fast forward a few years. Jimmy's birthday is coming up once more. The big 13. he wants something beefy and powerful. He's looking through the Sears catalog again, and sorts through the usual video games and consoles, eventually coming upon the recreation section. At the end of the section he finds a big red dirtbike. 250cc 4 stroke red dirtbike with flames on the exhaust. Absolutely beautiful. He becomes obsessed with the dirtbike and can't stop thinking about it! Big red dirtbike! Day in, day out. He asks his mother, father, sister, brother, aunts, uncles, he even considered asking God but he knows it doesn't work like that. So Jimmy's excited for this big red dirtbike. He wants to be cool and fit in with his friends.
Well tell ya what, his birthday comes around and he comes home from school to see his parents standing there with that very big red dirtbike he wanted. He's absolutely stunned. He drives it up the trails, down the trails, up town, down town, left and right and center. Eventually, he's at the same spot he remembers from age 5. "I've got a fricken dirtbike, of course I can get up there now!" He thinks, and he revs up, looking fiercely at the hill. He launches off and starts going up the hill, but about halfway up the bike starts vibrating and shaking as he slows down, and the more he hits the throttle the more the bike shakes. Well, it broke into a ton of pieces, and slid down the hill with him. Jimmy's pretty damn upset, but he decides his sister, a pretty handy woman indeed, could be helpful to him. He brings all the pieces and greets her again, gets inside and she tells him "oh why don't you spend two nights this time, I haven't seen you in a few years. And I won't be able to have your dirtbike fixed up until then either. It'd be good to catch up." So Jimmy decides to stay while his sister fixes his dirtbike. Every night, Jimmy asks her for a big red apple, and a piece of string about a foot long. His sister, beginning to be a bit curious, gets a little curious at this strange request. She wonders why he's asking for these items every time he's there. Being a Christian woman, she decides she will not ask him. It's not her place nor her business to ask. She brings him the items, fixes his bike, and two days later he's off on his way riding into the rising sun.
Lets take a look at a few years in the future. Jimmy's 17 and got his license. He wants a nice sweet sports car to cruise around in. Several of his friends have cars and such, he should be able to have something a little better. So he's on the bus one day, and passes the Audi dealership. He spies with his little eye an Audi R8 coupe in all red. Brembo calipers (an aftermarket upgrade, meaning it's a trade in) V10 engine rated at 542 bhp, 400 ft lbs of torque, Audi ventilated discs, the works. He loves this car. He asks everyone to help, his mother, his father, his brother, his sister, he wants this Audi R8. Red audi r8. Red audi r8. Red. Audi. R8.
Well, Jimmy comes home on his birthday, and sitting in the driveway is none other than the red audi r8. He's absolutely stellar. He hops in and goes for a drive. He drives up town, down town, left, right, center, free way, roadway, side streets, he is absolutely amazed at the car. Eventually he winds up at the same hill. "My r8 can handle this. 400 foot pounds of torque! Of course!" So he goes down the road and accellerates with all his might. He gets up to 70 mph and gets headed up the hill. He gets to the top, and finds out he finally did it. He looks towards the bottom of the hill with a feeling of accomplishment. Then bolt by bolt, his Audi R8 falls apart into pieces right before him. Absolutely shocked he rushes all the pieces down the hill to his sister's once again and asks if she could help. Well, she can, but it'll take some time. He hasn't been there for many years and it would be good to catch up! It will take about a week for her to fix it. So he decides to stay there while she works on it. Once again, every night he asks for a big red apple and a piece of string about a foot long. Every night, his sister's curiosity gets stronger and stronger.. until the last night when she finally cracks.
"Jimmy?.."
"Yeah, what is it sister?"
"Well... ive just noticed that youve been asking for the two same strange items.. and I know it's not my place to be nosy, but I'm just curious what you do with the apple and string?.." his sister asks...
Jimmy looks up at her straight in the eye, and answers....
"I guess you'll never know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqwc6/loong_big_red_trike/
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There are now two ways to pronounce "Reddit".

Read-it and Re-edit.
^^^^^shit ^^^^^joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqvpx/there_are_now_two_ways_to_pronounce_reddit/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad, eventually we had to take his bike away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqtdf/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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What happened to Jesus when he tried to play defense on a professional Basketball player?

He got crossed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqt8r/what_happened_to_jesus_when_he_tried_to_play/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqre0/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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What's the difference between my dick and my jokes?

Women don't laugh at my jokes.
...
:(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqqsu/whats_the_difference_between_my_dick_and_my_jokes/
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Why didn't anyone like the turkey's jokes?

He was being fowl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqo7b/why_didnt_anyone_like_the_turkeys_jokes/
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[NSFW] You're Passionate!

A hungover, toothless eskimo woman is hitchiking on the side of the road, when a guy in a pick-up pulls over and asks her where she needs to go. "I need go to the liquor s(h)tore."
"All right, I'll take you," the man replies, "but you have to give me head."
"Ok," the eskimo replies, pulling her manky self over into the passenger seat.
So they're driving down the road, with his pants unzipped and her sucking away, when she says "Ohh, you're passionate."
"Oh yeah baby, I'm passionate."
"No, no," she says more urgently, "You're passssionate."
"Fuck I'm passionate!" he exclaims.
"You're passionate, you're passionate!" she says again.
"Yeah I am!"
"No, you're passing the goddamn liquor store!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqnrp/nsfw_youre_passionate/
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Why can't you play peek-a-boo with Jesus?

Because he has holes in his hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqnh9/why_cant_you_play_peekaboo_with_jesus/
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I was changing some fuses at Buzzfeed...

... Number 14 shocked me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqlmh/i_was_changing_some_fuses_at_buzzfeed/
%
I was riding in my friend's car today when I noticed he didn't have a brake pedal.

He said it only slowed him down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqhi3/i_was_riding_in_my_friends_car_today_when_i/
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I took my son to see a doctor.

He sat there, embarrassed, so I spoke out for him.
"My boy has a lump on his penis," I said. "He's rather worried."
"How big is it?" asked the doctor.
I said, "About three inches erect. But we're here for the lump."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqhgb/i_took_my_son_to_see_a_doctor/
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A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks....

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a
spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade,killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He
hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion
and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqhdj/a_bloke_starts_his_new_job_at_the_zoo_and_is/
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Why are there no feminists in Japan?

Because the Japanese hunt whales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqf58/why_are_there_no_feminists_in_japan/
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What does an Eskimo do if his house falls down?

Igloos it back together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqek0/what_does_an_eskimo_do_if_his_house_falls_down/
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What's the difference between a magician's wand and a nightstick?

One is used for cunning stunts, the other is used for stunning cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqcuh/whats_the_difference_between_a_magicians_wand_and/
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Why do Native Americans hate snow?

It's white and on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eqce2/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
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What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eq99w/what_is_the_difference_between_a_nicely_dressed/
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I have a friend who is in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Concussions"

He lives about a stones throw away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eq8wx/i_have_a_friend_who_is_in_the_guinness_book_of/
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Stood in the dock he was addressed by the judge

and looked up solemnly as he listened, hands clasped together in modest anticipation.
"You are a father, and stand accused of making too many Dad Jokes. How do you plead?"
He looked across at his nervous family before facing the judge again.
"Well just by opening my mouth and making a statement, really"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eq8c0/stood_in_the_dock_he_was_addressed_by_the_judge/
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What do you call a Russian on a golf course?

Vladimir Puttin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eq7e5/what_do_you_call_a_russian_on_a_golf_course/
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What is the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but can't hit and the other one can hoot but can't shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eq78s/what_is_the_difference_between_a_poor_marksman/
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Sometimes things are hard to explain

The Farmer wants to milk his cow in the barn. He puts his stool next to the cow and the bucket below it. As he starts milking the cow kicks the bucket with the left leg. After a while the farmer is pissed off and takes a rope to fix the cow's leg to a pole. Yet before he can start milking again the cow kicks the bucket with its right leg. So the farmer fixes the right leg to another pole. The farmer wants to start milking again, but now the cow is slapping him with its tail. Wanting to fix the tail to a roof beam he puts the stool behind the cow and steps on it. Having no rope left, he takes off his belt to fix the tail. So as he's holding the cows tail in one hand, his belt in the other his pants drop down right before his wife enters staring at him. He just says: "You know, sometimes things are hard to explain"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eq6ht/sometimes_things_are_hard_to_explain/
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What do you call a group of rabbits walking backward?

A receding hareline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eq3s9/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_rabbits_walking/
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To the handicapped guy who stole my bag

You can hide but you can't run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eq2yo/to_the_handicapped_guy_who_stole_my_bag/
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What kind of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eq15h/what_kind_of_bagel_can_fly/
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Why is Theresa May so against Porn?

When she clearly loves fucking a whole country at once with the world watching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eq0zx/why_is_theresa_may_so_against_porn/
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Sex is like a gas station..!!

Sometime you get full service...
Sometimes you gotta ask for service and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.!😂😂😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eq0zm/sex_is_like_a_gas_station/
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What's The Donald's favourite keyboard shortcut?

Command Alt Right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eq007/whats_the_donalds_favourite_keyboard_shortcut/
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What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A-mean-o acid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5epyig/what_do_you_call_an_acid_with_an_attitude/
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If a Rastaman ever wants to tell you a story...

Don't bother, they just Babylon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5epxs1/if_a_rastaman_ever_wants_to_tell_you_a_story/
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I haven't said a word to my wife in years.

She hates to be interrupted...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5epw2x/i_havent_said_a_word_to_my_wife_in_years/
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Believe what a plumber says

They've seen some shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eptiy/believe_what_a_plumber_says/
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I was hit in the head with a can

Luckily it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ept9r/i_was_hit_in_the_head_with_a_can/
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My autocorrect just changed "Defecate" to "Ejaculate"

I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5epsv8/my_autocorrect_just_changed_defecate_to_ejaculate/
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I asked my friend in North Korea what it was like living there....

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eprpl/i_asked_my_friend_in_north_korea_what_it_was_like/
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How can you tell if Lady Gaga is dead?

Po-po-po-po-po-po-poke-her-face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eprgc/how_can_you_tell_if_lady_gaga_is_dead/
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Thanksgiving Special

Three guys visit a hooker on Thanksgiving Day.
"How much do you charge?" They ask.
"Thanksgiving Special today only! $10 an inch." She replies.
The first guy takes his turn, comes back out and says, "That was $75 well spent!"
The second guy takes his turn and comes back out. "Best $90 I ever spent!"
The third guy takes his turn, comes back out and says, "What a great bargain for only $30!"
His comrades laugh and begin to make some implications until he speaks up....
"You guys are the dopes who paid on the way in instead of on the way out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eprg4/thanksgiving_special/
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Thank you for calling ELVIS Direct

Press 1 for the money
2 for the show

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5epr8c/thank_you_for_calling_elvis_direct/
%
How do you pickup chicks in Auschwitz ?

With a dustpan..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5epohc/how_do_you_pickup_chicks_in_auschwitz/
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A man decides to quit his job.

A man is tired of his job, so he decides to quit.  He goes to his boss--who he detests--and informs him of his decision.
The boss tells him this simply won't do.  He tells the man if he wants to quit, he will have to do so in a more professional manner.  The man strokes his chin, and after much thought finds a new approach to his resignation:
"Fine, I will change my availability schedule instead."
The boss cocks his eyebrows and asks the man to clarify.  The man smirks and responds:
"I will still work for you.  But only on days that don't end in the letter 'y.'"
The man crosses his arms in triumph and turns to leave.  As he nears the door, the boss replies:
"When were you supposed to work next?"
The man turns in confusion and responds, "Tomorrow, why?"
The boss smiles.  "Great.  I'll see you then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5epl8u/a_man_decides_to_quit_his_job/
%
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 8 because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ephm6/how_many_dead_prostitutes_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
What do you call it if a midwife doesn't show up?

A midwife crisis!
I'll leave now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5epehq/what_do_you_call_it_if_a_midwife_doesnt_show_up/
%
A family walks into a Hotel...

The Dad walks up to the desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The receptionist says "It's regular porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5epdj1/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road

Because I put the wrong sock on this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5epcxv/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
So I saw my mother-in-law getting beaten up by six guys

"Aren't you going to do something?" My wife asked.
"Nah, six should be enough."
(Les Dawson)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ep6tw/so_i_saw_my_motherinlaw_getting_beaten_up_by_six/
%
An old man died and his whole family came out to the funeral

It was your typical ceremony, a solemn and somber occasion. As the casket was being carried to the grave site, one of the bearers slipped and lost his grip. The pine box started sliding down the hill of the cemetery and everyone begins to freak out. Thinking fast the priest pulls a lozenge from his pocket.
Sure enough, it stopped the coughin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ep52s/an_old_man_died_and_his_whole_family_came_out_to/
%
What do you call a guy having phone sex?

Hard of hearing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ep4rh/what_do_you_call_a_guy_having_phone_sex/
%
Dad: "Hey son, what has four legs and doesn't breathe?"

Son: "Haha, you can't fool me again Dad! A chair!"
Dad: "Not this time, son. Our dog died."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ep3nm/dad_hey_son_what_has_four_legs_and_doesnt_breathe/
%
What's the difference between a motorbike and a toilet?

In the first case you sit and run, in the second you run and sit.
(incredibly nobody ever wrote this one before, credits to dad)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ep3mi/whats_the_difference_between_a_motorbike_and_a/
%
Whats the difference between a wheat thin and a lesbian?

Ones a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ep2sg/whats_the_difference_between_a_wheat_thin_and_a/
%
If you ever feel useless...

.. Remember that there is a comment section on porn sites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ep2al/if_you_ever_feel_useless/
%
I'm strictly against cigarettes.

So I burn them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ep12l/im_strictly_against_cigarettes/
%
Shazza walks into the kitchen and finds Bruce with a fly swatter.

"Waddaya doin?" She asked.
"Huntin Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Kill any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 blokes, 2 sheilas," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How'd ya know that?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eox0w/shazza_walks_into_the_kitchen_and_finds_bruce/
%
My first time having sex was a lot like my first time in church..

Actually, come to think of it, it was my first time in church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eowvu/my_first_time_having_sex_was_a_lot_like_my_first/
%
The mantra to a successful relationship

find someone who likes the same thermostat setting as you do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eouoc/the_mantra_to_a_successful_relationship/
%
I don't understand why the Lions and Vikings get to play on thanksgiving.

Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eotvb/i_dont_understand_why_the_lions_and_vikings_get/
%
Today I saw two dogs make hot streamy love on the roadside.

It's really hurtful to see your ex moving on so quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eotph/today_i_saw_two_dogs_make_hot_streamy_love_on_the/
%
Thanksgiving.

The day in 1621 when Native Americans shared a meal with undocumented immigrants who never left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eotcf/thanksgiving/
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle

His wife is already pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eosqy/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
Why don't the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?

Because they don't like Turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eoslz/why_dont_the_greeks_slavs_and_armenians_celebrate/
%
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one...

...he's never gonna give you *Up.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eorwn/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
%
They're really just "Grammer Nazis"

But the media keeps calling them "Alt-Write"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eorpg/theyre_really_just_grammer_nazis/
%
What did the yogurt say to the milk?

You're so uncultured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eopjk/what_did_the_yogurt_say_to_the_milk/
%
My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike

My dad was holding me from behind .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eomw5/my_first_time_having_sex_was_like_my_first_time/
%
A recent study shows left-handed people are most likely to lose an argument

They're never right!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eomtg/a_recent_study_shows_lefthanded_people_are_most/
%
I told my girlfriend her lipstick was ugly and she got mad...

Make up sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eomp6/i_told_my_girlfriend_her_lipstick_was_ugly_and/
%
What do you call a punch-drunk Japanese person whose father has diarrhea?

A slap-happy Jappy with a crap-happy pappy!
I'll show myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eom0b/what_do_you_call_a_punchdrunk_japanese_person/
%
2 priests are driving...

2 priests are driving down the street and they get pulled over by the police. The policeman tells them we are looking for 2 pedophiles so the priests roll up the window and discuss for a few minutes and they turn to the policeman and say ok we're in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eokh9/2_priests_are_driving/
%
Ever heard of the DNA?

National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eohb8/ever_heard_of_the_dna/
%
A bodybuilder was killed when a fire broke out in my gym.

Staff tried to escort him out, but he wanted to feel the burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eogvr/a_bodybuilder_was_killed_when_a_fire_broke_out_in/
%
You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If...

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom offered day care.
You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eoc5e/you_might_be_an_extreme_redneck_if/
%
I'm thankful for Donald Trump

Even on bad days, I have something to laugh at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eob7c/im_thankful_for_donald_trump/
%
What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?

Would you like ketchup with your chips?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo9yu/what_is_the_question_most_frequently_asked_by_a/
%
My friend the Scarecrow just got a promotion

He was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo9pm/my_friend_the_scarecrow_just_got_a_promotion/
%
The Pillsbury Doughboy just passed away.

His funeral service will take place at 3:50 and it will take 15-18 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo9mc/the_pillsbury_doughboy_just_passed_away/
%
Stock markets!!!

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $ 100 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands of monkeys for $ 100 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
Now the man further announced that he would buy monkeys for $ 200. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to work on their farms.
Next the mysterious man increased his offer to $ 250 for each money, and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
Now the man now announced that he was going to negotiate a large order for monkeys and that we was willing to buy  monkeys for $ 500 each! However as he had to go to the city for the business, his assistant would now buy monkeys on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $ 350 each  and when the man returns from the city, you can sell the same to him for $ 500 each.
"The villagers got all their savings, borrowed money from friends and relatives  and bought all the monkeys they could.  Thereafter, then they never saw the mysterious man or his assistant, only monkeys were everywhere!
That’s stock market!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo8ta/stock_markets/
%
A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo8s8/a_little_boy_gets_on_the_public_bus_and_sits/
%
Did you know that the word "gullible" cannot even be found in the dictionary?

The truth hurts doesn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo8c4/did_you_know_that_the_word_gullible_cannot_even/
%
Why was Hellen Kellers belly button bruised...

Because her boyfriend was blind and deaf too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo89g/why_was_hellen_kellers_belly_button_bruised/
%
Mr. Jones falls asleep in church.

Mr. Jones keeps falling asleep in church, and Mrs. Jones is not to happy with this. So one day she makes an appointment with the pastor and sits down with him to discuss it.
She says to him, "pastor I am getting tired of Mr. Jones falling asleep during church there has got to be something we can do about it?" The pastor thinks and replies "yes I have an idea leave it up to me I will give you the signal and you take this hat pin and poke him when I give you the signal."
So next Sunday they are in church and mr. Jones starts to nod off and Mrs. Jones notices and so dose the pastor. So he nods to her and as he dose says "who gave his life for our sins" at the same time Mr. Jones gets poked by mrs. And shouts " jesus".  The pastor says yes sir you are right.
About 15 min later Mr. Jones starts to fall asleep again and they both notice. The pastor nods and says "and who Is your redeemer?"  Mr. Jones gets poked again and shouts "god".
Well the pastor gets in to his sermon and forgets about Mr. Jones and he had fallen asleep again. Mrs. Jones thinks the pastor is giving the signal and so she pokes him again. At the same time the pastor says "and what did eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th child?"  Mr. Jones jumped up looked at his wife and yelled "if you stick that thing in me one more time, I'm gonna break it off and shove it up your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo7kr/mr_jones_falls_asleep_in_church/
%
What do you call a disappearing President?

Hocus POTUS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo6pe/what_do_you_call_a_disappearing_president/
%
Stalin met Hitler in hell

Hitler said : Next time, I'll kill 6 Million Jews and two Clowns!
Stalin : Two clowns? Why?
Hitler : See? Nobody cares about the Jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo5vj/stalin_met_hitler_in_hell/
%
Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their hands through their hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo52s/why_do_bald_men_cut_holes_in_their_pockets/
%
A man had 3 girlfriends and couldn't decide which of them to marry.

He resolved to test each one to see which would make a better wife.
He withdrew $15,000 from his bank and gave each $5,000 and told them to spend it how they like.
The first one went shopping for clothes, jewelry, the salon, etc. She returned and told the man, "I spent all of your money to be more beautiful for, to please you more, because I love you."
The second one did the same and went shopping, but bought clothes for him, an iPod, a flat screen, basketball shoes, good clubs, and pornos. She returned and said, "I spent all of your money on gifts for you to make you happy, because I love you."
The third one took the money and invested it. In 3 days, she tripled the money and returned the $5,000 to him. She told him, "I invested your money and gained my own, now I can use my money for what I want without having to spend hours. I did it because I love you."
So, the man thought. He thought and thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And thought...
And decided to marry the one with the biggest ass!
What did you expect, a punchline with reflection? No friends, that's the way life is sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo4q2/a_man_had_3_girlfriends_and_couldnt_decide_which/
%
A midget cowboy goes to see his doctor...

A midget cowboy goes to see his doctor.
"Doc, I've got this pain in my testicles. I think it may be a hernia. Could you check it out?"
"Certainly" replies the doctor. "Go ahead and drop trou. I'll have a look."
The doctor examines the midget cowboy, ponders for a moment, then grabs a pair of scissors.
"Alright, stand up straight and look up" the doctor requests.
Nervously, the midget cowboy complies. He hears a snipping sound below him as the doctor works, and he feels no pain. He's relieved!
The doctor tells his patient "we're all done, you can get dressed now."
"This is amazing doc, I feel great! What did you do?"
"I trimmed two inches off the top of your boots."
(I heard this joke from my uncle when I was a kid. I had forgotten the joke for years until I had hernia surgery yesterday.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo37x/a_midget_cowboy_goes_to_see_his_doctor/
%
This morning I had a swollen testicle.

"I'd have simply preferred toast," I told my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo349/this_morning_i_had_a_swollen_testicle/
%
Two whales walk into a bar

The first one goes to the barman and says:
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooOoOooOOoOoooooOOOOOOOoOOooooOoOoOOoOooOoOOoOOooooooooOOOOOOOoOOOoOOo"
The second one turns to the first and says, "shut up Frank, you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eo20y/two_whales_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password

"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enxdg/i_was_at_a_funeral_asked_the_priest_for_the_wifi/
%
What did the CEO of Reddit say to its users

[Edit] Nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enxc6/what_did_the_ceo_of_reddit_say_to_its_users/
%
My ex girlfriend was like a pirate's quest...

...she had a sunken chest and always kept me searching for the booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enwws/my_ex_girlfriend_was_like_a_pirates_quest/
%
What kind of car does a rich baker drive?

A Rolls-Royce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enwtn/what_kind_of_car_does_a_rich_baker_drive/
%
Black Friday Matters!!

No, all Fridays matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enwsk/black_friday_matters/
%
Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuckline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enu2v/why_cant_dyslexics_tell_jokes/
%
Two Peanuts were walking down a dark alley.

One was a salted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enty0/two_peanuts_were_walking_down_a_dark_alley/
%
What did the son say to his father when he lost his suitcase in the airport on their trip to the middle east?

"Where's baghdad?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5entkf/what_did_the_son_say_to_his_father_when_he_lost/
%
With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...

You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Happy Thanksgiving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ensvf/with_all_the_bad_luck_that_the_us_has_seen_this/
%
The Captain's Parrot

There once was a captain of a large cruise ship that had a very intelligent parrot.  To keep the parrot busy while the captain was working, he left him in the ballroom where the magician performed his act.  The parrot would watch the magician at work, and over time, the parrot learned the secrets of all of the magician's tricks.  And since he was so talkative, he would shout out the secrets during the show.
For instance - the magician would put a rabbit in hat and make it disappear.  The rabbit would shout "there's a secret compartment in the hat!"   Or the magician would make a coin disappear into thin air, and the parrot would yell "it's in his other hand!"
Well, this was making the magician very angry of course, but he couldn't harm the parrot since it belonged to his employer, the captain.
One day, the ship hit an iceberg and sank.  Before it could sink, everyone headed to the lifeboats, including the magician and the parrot.  And as fate would have it, the parrot and the magician ended up in the same lifeboat alone together.
The magician seethed at the parrot.  After about an hour, the parrot says "ok, you got me.  Where the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enq71/the_captains_parrot/
%
In college, I liked beer more than Girls.

A beer can't change its mind after you get its top off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enonb/in_college_i_liked_beer_more_than_girls/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enncr/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
Hey girl, are you a sudden change in slope on an acceleration-time graph?

Because you're a jerk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enn40/hey_girl_are_you_a_sudden_change_in_slope_on_an/
%
My brother asked me if his blinkers still worked

Yes no yes no yes no yes no...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enmyy/my_brother_asked_me_if_his_blinkers_still_worked/
%
How does Kurt Cobain collect his thoughts?

With a mop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enkv3/how_does_kurt_cobain_collect_his_thoughts/
%
I didn't think housework is a full-time job, so for Thanksgiving my wife served me a raw turkey.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enkba/i_didnt_think_housework_is_a_fulltime_job_so_for/
%
How do you make a rave party in Africa?

You stick a piece of bread on the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enjw5/how_do_you_make_a_rave_party_in_africa/
%
After being hit by an airstrike from the Turkish air force, a Syrian leader was quoted as saying...

"As God is my witness, I thought the Turkish couldn't fly..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enj5t/after_being_hit_by_an_airstrike_from_the_turkish/
%
What song do turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?

God save the kin
Happy Thanksgiving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eniru/what_song_do_turkeys_sing_on_thanksgiving_day/
%
I bought a new TV today...

Got a great 50" HDTV for $29.99 today.
Of course, there was a catch... The volume was stuck at the max setting so it was incredibly loud.
But for $29.99, I couldn't turn it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enhyj/i_bought_a_new_tv_today/
%
What TV station is the biggest dick of a channel?

The BBC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enf6f/what_tv_station_is_the_biggest_dick_of_a_channel/
%
Kanye West hospitalised in Los Angeles. At this difficult time, our thoughts and prayers go out to...

...all the hospital staff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enf5x/kanye_west_hospitalised_in_los_angeles_at_this/
%
A married's man prayer

Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.
You gave me youth and you took it away.
You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enemx/a_marrieds_man_prayer/
%
How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

It paints its balls red and climbs up a cherry tree.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enefg/how_does_an_elephant_hide_in_the_jungle/
%
The man who invented distorted mirrors has died.

His funeral will be held in asymmetry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5endne/the_man_who_invented_distorted_mirrors_has_died/
%
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta....

I'm doing well, but I do get cannellonli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enctn/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_of_my_obsession/
%
According to the vet, our dog is addicted to masturbation.

I hope it doesn't rub off on our children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5enbuw/according_to_the_vet_our_dog_is_addicted_to/
%
My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5en7ew/my_ex_girlfriend_was_an_absolute_treasure/
%
"I'm all up for sex with handcuffs..."

"...I just think a little warning would have been nice, Officer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5en5zv/im_all_up_for_sex_with_handcuffs/
%
what does god light his cigarettes with?

a match made in heaven .-.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5en52d/what_does_god_light_his_cigarettes_with/
%
Three guys are near the edge of a canyon.

Suddenly, they hear a voice coming from seemingly nowhere. It says, "whatever you say when jumping off this cliff, you will turn into it". The first guy jumps off and yells "eagle!" He turns into an eagle and flies away. The second guy jumps off and yells "bull!" He turns into a bull and runs down the side of the canyon to safety. The third guy, nervous, begins psyching himself up for this. He says, "come on man, you can do this, you can do this". He runs and then trips over the edge of the cliff. He yells "SHIT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5en4zs/three_guys_are_near_the_edge_of_a_canyon/
%
Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5en3ko/donald_trump_has_announced_that_he_plans_to/
%
A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane.

The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."
"No," she says, "I just want to sleep."
He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says if he gets it wrong he will pay her five hundred dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.
"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.
She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.
He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her, "So what is the answer?"
She hands him 5 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5emwov/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_are_sitting_next_to_each/
%
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber

A  math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation.
After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5emvs5/a_math_professor_john_is_having_problems_with_his/
%
What is the difference between a golfer and a sky-diver?

The golfer goes *WHACK!* "Shit!"
The Sky-diver goes "Shit!" *WHACK!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5emv8o/what_is_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
%
What is the hardest part of telling a good gay joke?

Keeping a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5empd5/what_is_the_hardest_part_of_telling_a_good_gay/
%
Georgia and Connecticut girls

Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together. One of them’s from Georgia, one of them’s from Connecticut. The girl from Connecticut’s helping her mother put up curtains. Girl from Georgia turns to them and says, “Hi. Where y’all from?” Girl from Connecticut says, “we’re from a place where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition.” The girl from Georgia says, “Oh, beg my pardon. Where y’all from…cunt?
House of Cards s1, e4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5emloy/georgia_and_connecticut_girls/
%
My girlfriend hates it when I surprise her when shes sleeping...

OK, so she's not my girlfriend yet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5emex1/my_girlfriend_hates_it_when_i_surprise_her_when/
%
What do you call a white guy who grew up in the ghetto?

Tarzan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5emen6/what_do_you_call_a_white_guy_who_grew_up_in_the/
%
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me, then I didn't show...

I hope she gets the message that we aren't working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5emeio/i_invited_my_girlfriend_to_go_to_the_gym_with_me/
%
Did you guys hear about the CEO of Reddit?

I heard he's a great guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eme3v/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_ceo_of_reddit/
%
TIFU by mixing up my sub order at subway.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5emdkm/tifu_by_mixing_up_my_sub_order_at_subway/
%
Advice

A doctor and a lawyer are at a party. "How do you handle these assholes who ask for professional advice at parties?" asks the doctor.
"I give it then I bill them," says the lawyer
"I must try that," says the doctor.
Next day he receives a bill from the lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5emdev/advice/
%
I always thought soy milk...

was just introducing itself in Spanish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5emce3/i_always_thought_soy_milk/
%
Vodka isn't the answer to my problems

but its worth a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5emb5y/vodka_isnt_the_answer_to_my_problems/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates....

It doesn't last too long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5emaw4/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
There are 3 perks of having Alzheimer

1. You can make new friends every day.
2. You can look for the Easter eggs you hid yourself.
3. You can make new friends every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5emahu/there_are_3_perks_of_having_alzheimer/
%
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One narcissist. The narcissist holds the lightbulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5em8uo/how_many_narcissists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What do you call a salad that's been cut with a knife?

Ceasar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5em7ap/what_do_you_call_a_salad_thats_been_cut_with_a/
%
I didn't know what happiness was until I got married.

But by then it was too late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5em5zt/i_didnt_know_what_happiness_was_until_i_got/
%
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5em2io/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_stands_between_two/
%
Two older men are sitting at a communist nudist colony...

Two older men are sitting at a communist nudist colony.
One asks the other, "Hey, have you read Marx?"
The other man replies, "Yeah, I think it's from these wicker chairs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5em26n/two_older_men_are_sitting_at_a_communist_nudist/
%
Where did Nicholas II of Russia get his coffee?

Tsarbucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5em0in/where_did_nicholas_ii_of_russia_get_his_coffee/
%
Bad foods to eat

A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" An old man raises his hand and says, "Wedding cake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5em089/bad_foods_to_eat/
%
An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.

He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.
He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.
When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5elpuq/an_american_patriot_with_amputated_arms_decides/
%
A cop pulls an illegal immigrant over near the US-Mexico border and asks "Papers?"

The immigrant responds "Scissors" and drives away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5elneo/a_cop_pulls_an_illegal_immigrant_over_near_the/
%
Doctor's Appointment

A woman and her husband go to the doctor because the woman is complaining of shortness of breath. After fifteen minutes, the woman comes out into the waiting room and says, "Apparently, my problem is that I have a nice cooter."
"Excuse me?" says the husband.
"That's what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice cooter." The husband is a bit angry and goes in to talk to the doctor.
"What's this about my wife having a nice cooter? I need a damn good explanation."
"That's not what I said," replies the doctor. "I said she has acute angina."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5elkq7/doctors_appointment/
%
After the Thanksgiving dinner, everyone says

(√-1)/8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eljtl/after_the_thanksgiving_dinner_everyone_says/
%
Two old ladies were seated next to each other on a train.

The first lady turns to the other and asks, "where you headed to?" The second lady replied with disgust, " I'm heading to a place where they know not to end a sentence in a preposition." The first lady sits quietly for a minute then turns back to the second and says, "so, where you headed to, bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eljis/two_old_ladies_were_seated_next_to_each_other_on/
%
"We don't serve time travellers here" said the bartender...

"We don't serve time travellers here" said the bartender.
A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5elftu/we_dont_serve_time_travellers_here_said_the/
%
A man is granted three wishes.

The Genie tells him that whatever he wishes for, his wife will receive 2x of.
The man's first wish is $3B, so his ex-wife gets $6B.
The man's second wish is a mansion, so his ex-wife gets two mansions.
For the man's third and final wish, he tells the Genie "Here's a baseball bat, beat me half to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eleuz/a_man_is_granted_three_wishes/
%
Who do you see winning the presidency in 4 years?

I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5elebm/who_do_you_see_winning_the_presidency_in_4_years/
%
What's the only part of a vegetable you can't eat?

The wheelchair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eldzu/whats_the_only_part_of_a_vegetable_you_cant_eat/
%
A well dressed 80yr old man walks into the senior center...

he stops, surveys the room and sees an attractive 70 yr old lady sitting by herself. he adjust his tie and walks over to her.
" So," He says, " do I come here often?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5elchq/a_well_dressed_80yr_old_man_walks_into_the_senior/
%
what do you call a 145 million year old swine carcass?

Jurassic Pork
Ill show^myself^out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5elb5v/what_do_you_call_a_145_million_year_old_swine/
%
Hey girl, is your PH 14?

Because you're really fucking basic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5elal7/hey_girl_is_your_ph_14/
%
Why did the Christmas tree get thrown in prison?

Treeson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ela8d/why_did_the_christmas_tree_get_thrown_in_prison/
%
How many bears would Bear Gryll grill if Bear Gryll could grill bears?

I dunno, but PETA would be **pissed**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ela7u/how_many_bears_would_bear_gryll_grill_if_bear/
%
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it

It was a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5el9ie/i_went_to_the_zoo_the_other_day_there_was_only/
%
You wouldn't steal a gate.

So why would you take offense?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5el9gm/you_wouldnt_steal_a_gate/
%
Misleading title

Bad punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5el8mg/misleading_title/
%
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5el4un/my_first_highschool_football_game_was_a_lot_like/
%
How does Hitler tie his shoes?

With little Nazis, tiny little knotziz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5el1eg/how_does_hitler_tie_his_shoes/
%
What's my rating from 1 to 10 for Harry Potter?

Nine and three quarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5el0ln/whats_my_rating_from_1_to_10_for_harry_potter/
%
No one cares if you go to the bathroom.

In fact, you are the only one who gives a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ekzkf/no_one_cares_if_you_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
The Irish are really far behind with technology...

Their bombs still have four wheels and a motor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ekxs3/the_irish_are_really_far_behind_with_technology/
%
What did saitama draw with a pen and a ruler

One punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ekxe1/what_did_saitama_draw_with_a_pen_and_a_ruler/
%
Why won't A Flock of Seagulls perform in the Middle East?

Iran so far away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ekx55/why_wont_a_flock_of_seagulls_perform_in_the/
%
Somebody stole my mood ring...

I don't know how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ekwem/somebody_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
It's almost Thanksgiving day...

Remember to set all your scales back 10 pounds tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ekujv/its_almost_thanksgiving_day/
%
A woman and her two snot nosed screaming kids walk into Walmart.

She's still wearing her pajamas and her hair looks like it hasn't been combed in days.
She is screaming and cussing at her kids when she is approached by an old man working as a door greater.
The greeter says "what lovely kids, are they twins"?
The woman replies "are you blind or just dumb? They are two years apart and look not a damn thing alike."
The man grins and says "No I just can't believe someone had sex with you twice"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ektcv/a_woman_and_her_two_snot_nosed_screaming_kids/
%
Relationships are like algebra.

Do you ever look at your x and wonder y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eksbq/relationships_are_like_algebra/
%
A book fell on my head.

I only have my shelf to blame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ekqmd/a_book_fell_on_my_head/
%
At a Nazi mine, a worker calls out to Hitler:

"Sir, we are mining too many useless Ores"
[Hitler rubs his chin, contemplating]
"So mine less"
[Grammar Nazi chimes in, from above]
"MINE FEWER"
[Hitler looks up]
"Yes?"
EDIT2: Actually, never mind.
EDIT3: Actually, never *mein*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eko4k/at_a_nazi_mine_a_worker_calls_out_to_hitler/
%
What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit the frogs finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eknda/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
%
I wore my "Gandalf for President" shirt to the comic convention.

It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ekmn6/i_wore_my_gandalf_for_president_shirt_to_the/
%
My daughter teaches me something every day.

Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ekl5m/my_daughter_teaches_me_something_every_day/
%
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass ...

... The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ekjeg/an_israeli_soldier_who_just_enlisted_asked_the/
%
I just participated in a silent disco.

Well, I got drunk at the morgue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ekipy/i_just_participated_in_a_silent_disco/
%
romantic comedy about middle aged people playing tennis

40-love

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eki7j/romantic_comedy_about_middle_aged_people_playing/
%
A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" ...

... "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eki5r/a_man_pulls_up_to_the_curb_and_asks_the_policeman/
%
I wondered what my parents did to kill boredom before the internet.

I mean, I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and none of them had a clue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ekg5c/i_wondered_what_my_parents_did_to_kill_boredom/
%
What do the World Trade Center and genders have in common?

There used to be two of them, but now it's too offensive to talk about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ekeph/what_do_the_world_trade_center_and_genders_have/
%
A mom comes into town to visit her son.

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,
Mom.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ek6ic/a_mom_comes_into_town_to_visit_her_son/
%
What kind of bee's make milk?

BOObees!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ek5lv/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk/
%
Stoli with a Twist

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait. "Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ek5d5/stoli_with_a_twist/
%
France and Italy are in a battle against each other. Who wins?

Neither. France surrenders and Italy switches sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ek3gy/france_and_italy_are_in_a_battle_against_each/
%
Suzy

Why did Suzy fall of the swings?
Cause she had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Suzy.
What did Suzy get for Christmas?
Gloves
Ha Ha just kidding that's mean
We actually don't know she hasn't opened it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ek3a4/suzy/
%
I like my women as I like my pre-expansion universes

So hot and dense that it violates the Pauli exclusion principle and demands a better understanding of the standard model

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ek333/i_like_my_women_as_i_like_my_preexpansion/
%
Your first car is a lot like anal...

...you don't really want it but your stepdad gives it to you anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ek2fd/your_first_car_is_a_lot_like_anal/
%
How do you call an insanely rich proton that spent all of his money to become an electron?

Ex centric

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ek12v/how_do_you_call_an_insanely_rich_proton_that/
%
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

Osmoses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ek121/who_led_the_jews_across_a_semipermeable_membrane/
%
Quantum mechanics is the original "original hipster"

It described the universe before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ek0gb/quantum_mechanics_is_the_original_original_hipster/
%
Im offended by physicists being all about black matter

I think All Matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ejzwr/im_offended_by_physicists_being_all_about_black/
%
My new job has me up at 1 AM every morning in my front yard with a glass of water and a paintbrush.

It doesn't really pay much but I make dew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ejzd1/my_new_job_has_me_up_at_1_am_every_morning_in_my/
%
Having a charity event for people that struggle to orgasm

Let me know if you can't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ejryp/having_a_charity_event_for_people_that_struggle/
%
Men Are Like Bluetooth

…
Always Connected When Wife Is Around…
The Moment Wife Is Away…
They Automatically Starts Searching For New Devices…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ejrcx/men_are_like_bluetooth/
%
The doctor gave me 2 months to live

I'll spend them making people think I'm reposting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ejomy/the_doctor_gave_me_2_months_to_live/
%
What do you call a hooker fart?

A prosti-toot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ejobv/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_fart/
%
There are 2 types of people in this world

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ejnyq/there_are_2_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
a fruedian slip is when you say one thing. .

. . when you're thinking of a mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ejne3/a_fruedian_slip_is_when_you_say_one_thing/
%
There are 10 types of people

Those who understand binary and those who don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ejltp/there_are_10_types_of_people/
%
Did you hear about the race between the two decapitated heads?

I heard they were neck and neck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ejh66/did_you_hear_about_the_race_between_the_two/
%
Payday

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time , asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ejgeq/payday/
%
A Polish man was at the Eye Doctor to test his sight, and looked at a chart with the following letters:

G U O Y L V B J I T D A Z C K
Doctor: Can you read the letters?
Polish Man: Of course i can read it, I know the guy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ejfto/a_polish_man_was_at_the_eye_doctor_to_test_his/
%
A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks".

The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eje9a/a_jewish_kid_goes_to_his_dad_and_says_dad_i_need/
%
The Great Wall of China proves that Trump's wall will work...

... throughout many centuries no Mexican has ever breached it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ejcpm/the_great_wall_of_china_proves_that_trumps_wall/
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Little Johnny !!!!

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just too scratchy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ejbbj/little_johnny/
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An international archaeological expedition unearths an Egyptian mummy

They've never seen a mummy like it, and are totally confused.
The Americans X-ray the mummy and all it's artifacts. They analyse all the materials down to their atoms, but come back empty handed.
The French have a go. Their best historians and linguists examine the hieroglyphics and scrolls. After months of effort, they too come back empty handed.
The KGB attaché accompanying the Russians wants to have a go. Everyone else agrees, as they've all run out of ideas.
They take the mummy. 10 minutes later, they're back.
"He's Akemtomph the Fifth, from the house of Isigord. He ruled from 575 BC to 549 BC."
"How did you get this information?" Everyone else asks in astonishment.
"He confessed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ej919/an_international_archaeological_expedition/
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I have a time machine for sale.

If interested, call me two weeks ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ej5ul/i_have_a_time_machine_for_sale/
%
There was a man with leprosy

Jim had leprosy which was bad because he had constant sores full of pus. The doctor said he could keep him alive but could do nothing about the sores. Because of this Jim could never wear a shirt as it would be soaked with pus and ruined.
One day Jim's friends decided to take him to a baseball game because he loved baseball but didn't get out much-being ashamed of his back. At the game Jim was enjoying himself but soon after the game started a woman two rows back threw up. Jim turned around "ma'am I'm so sorry I'll leave if  I'm bothering you" but the woman insisted "no it's not you" so much that he decided to stay. Just ten minutes later she threw up again. "Ma'am I'm so sorry it's definitely me I'll leave now." But after repeatedly insisting that it wasn't his fault she convinced him to stay. Twenty minutes later though she threw up again. "That's it this is the last straw I'm leaving right now this time" Jim exclaimed. "No i keep telling you it's not you," the woman assured him. "It's the man behind you who keeps dipping his nachos in your back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ej5qf/there_was_a_man_with_leprosy/
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In Need of A Psychic Reading

There was a man that needed a psychic reading. He showed up on the psychic's front porch and knocked on the door. The psychic said, "Who is it"? So he went back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ej5ga/in_need_of_a_psychic_reading/
%
A polar bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks what he'll have.
The bear says "I guess I'll have a................beer."
The bartender asks "Why the big pause?"
The polar shrugs. "I don't know, I was born with 'em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ej53e/a_polar_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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A trainee priest is learning how to take confession

. The senior priest tells him "I'll be outside here if you need guidance on what punishments to give"
A little old lady comes in and says "Forgive me father, i took the lords name in vain" The junior priest sticks his head out of the confessional and asks "What punishment should i give for taking the lords name in vain?". The senior priest replies "Tell them to say 5 'Hail Marys' and pray for forgiveness." The priest does and waits for his next confession.
A man comes in and says "Forgive me father, i stole money from a blind man". Once again the young priest asks the senior priest who tells him "Tell him to say 10 'Hail Marys' and donate twice what he stole to the blind society".
While the young priest is waiting for the next confession the senior priest is called away. A college girl comes into the booth and says "Forgive me father, i gave my boyfriend a blowjob at the movies". The young priest sticks his head out of the booth, but seeing the senior priest gone quickly calls over an alter boy and asks "What does the other priest usually give for blowjobs?"
The altar boy responds "Usually a chocolate bar and a can of coke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ej300/a_trainee_priest_is_learning_how_to_take/
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What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water?

Gonna take a while to get me hard, I just got laid by a chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ej0aw/what_did_the_easter_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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LPT: If you're not planning to do anything the entire day, Masturbate.

Then you won't want to walk or shower and you can waste your day as originally intended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ej04j/lpt_if_youre_not_planning_to_do_anything_the/
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Don't go

Two friends were walking home one evening and a young sexy woman was blowing kisses at one of them from the window of a lovely bungalow.
1st friend: "Man, it looks like that babe is blowing kisses at me."
2nd friend: "Guy leave her alone, don't pay any attention to her."
Then the lady signalled to him to come...
1st friend: "Man the babe is calling me over!"
2nd friend: "My dear friend, don't go."
1st friend: "Why would you ask me not to go when a sexy babe like that is calling me over herself? Are you jealous of me?"
2nd friend: "Pal, l'm begging you, please don't go, please don't go!"
The friend ignored him and went over to the lady, she went to meet him at the door and they both went to an upstairs bedroom. Suddenly, just as they were about to have some fun, they heard a car honking...
Lady (on opening the window): "Hell! That's my husband! Why did he have to be home now?"
1st friend: "Good grief! I'm in trouble!"
Lady: "Don't worry, just pretend like you're the laundryman and iron these clothes," pointing at a humongous heap of clothes.
The guy spent the rest of the day ironing clothes because the husband never left home that day.
The next day he went over to his friend's place...
1st friend: "Pal, can you believe that it was clothes and clothes l ironed throughout the day yesterday"
2nd friend: "But I told you not to go. All those clothes you ironed, l WASHED THEM THE PREVIOUS DAY"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eizks/dont_go/
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A chinese man walks into a job centre

, the person asks him "can you work in a shop?" the chinese man says "no no, can't work in shop" the person says "can you work in a restaurant?" the chinese man says "no no, can't work in restaurant" The person says "are you any good at supplies then"
The chinese man says "oh yes, I am good at supplies!" The person says "great, I will arrange with your employer to be there at 9am"
The Chinese mans employer is waiting for him at 9am, but he has not turned up. He is still waiting at 10am and nothing. At 11am the employer is about to phone the job centre when the chinese man jumps out at him and yells "supplies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eiykn/a_chinese_man_walks_into_a_job_centre/
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Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today..

I should have put it on aloha setting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eivk1/burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
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What a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?

None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eivfu/what_a_pirates_favorite_letter_of_the_alphabet/
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I love self-deprecating jokes.

Too bad I suck at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eismo/i_love_selfdeprecating_jokes/
%
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eiraj/my_wife_came_home_from_work_crying_yesterday_and/
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Why did Obama serve two terms?

Because blacks always get a longer sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eioeq/why_did_obama_serve_two_terms/
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2016

That's it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eind0/2016/
%
A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.

She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
1...
2...
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card.  Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President.  I think you're just what we're looking for.  Call me on Monday and we'll talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eimv7/a_woman_is_at_the_park_with_her_son_when_he/
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A man was drowning in a river

...a boat comes and asks of he needs any help.
He responds, "No, god will save me."
The boat leaves and another one comes by asking the same thing.
The man declines again and says, "No, God will save me."
The man drowns and goes to heaven. He asks God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replies, "I sent you two boats and you refused..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eilg0/a_man_was_drowning_in_a_river/
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As a middle class first world citizen, I still feel I know just as much about working in a sweatshop in China as the children themselves.

After all, I've walked a mile in their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eijwg/as_a_middle_class_first_world_citizen_i_still/
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I'm not racist because it's a crime.

And crime is for black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eij4n/im_not_racist_because_its_a_crime/
%
Prince Charles was visiting a nursing home

He asks a 93 year old lady "Have you been bed-ridden since you've been here?"
She replies "A couple of times, but i prefer to be fucked up the arse on the sofa"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eift2/prince_charles_was_visiting_a_nursing_home/
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The UK government can go fuck itself.

They'd better not film it, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eidz3/the_uk_government_can_go_fuck_itself/
%
What the diffrence between a boy scout and a jew?

The boy scout comes home from camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eibxg/what_the_diffrence_between_a_boy_scout_and_a_jew/
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Three man find themselves at an empty swimming pool...

An inscription on the diving board reads: "Whatever the esteemed diver shouts while jumping off the board, the magic pool will fill up with!"
Oblivious to all the opportunities that come with a magic pool, man#1 steps on the board shouts "Water!" - and indeed, a vast amount of water crushes into the pool out of nowhere, splashing to all sides. The man lands safely and takes a few strolls before leaving the pool with a relieved but also somewhat disappointed look on his face.
Man#2, still taking no chances, steps on the board and just as he leaps forward, whether out of disbelief about the situation or simply because he likes his potassium, shouts "BANANAS!". For a moment the world turns yellow-brown and the man safely lands in a pool full of soft, ripe bananas. Leaving the pool, he sees that everything around is covered with mushy bananas almost as a reminder to his stupid decision.
Man#3, having observed all this, can't believe how stupid his comerades are. With a determined look on his face, he climbs up the ladder. He is a man that knows what he wants out of life and with the confidence of a man that deems himself superior to his peers, he approaches the edge, preparing his words. He is not going to ask for world peace, how would that even look in a pool? No, he is a pragmatic. Cold, hard cash is what he is after. He looks down to the empty pool, which magically is entirely clean unlike the surrounding area, which is still wet from the water and covered in destroyed fruit.
He jumps up and down, one more jump and he'll leap forward, his lips pursed, ready to utter the words "Money".
Alas, he slips on a Banana..."SH*T!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ei7p6/three_man_find_themselves_at_an_empty_swimming/
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My friend David lost his ID

Now we just call him Dave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ei5ob/my_friend_david_lost_his_id/
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Went to the doctor for a physical examination and he told me to stop masturbating.

I asked him why. He said "Because I'm trying to give you an examination!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ei4er/went_to_the_doctor_for_a_physical_examination_and/
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Thank you student loans for helping me get through college

I don't think I can ever repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ei0dg/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/
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Classic Ivy League joke

Visitor in Harvard Square:  "Excuse me, where's the library at?"
Harvard student:  "Sir, this is Harvard.  We don't end our sentences with prepositions."
Visitor:  "Oh, I'm sorry.  I meant to ask, where's the library at, asshole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ehyea/classic_ivy_league_joke/
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I have two requirements in my will...

1). I want my remains spread out at Disney World.
2). I do not want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ehxiq/i_have_two_requirements_in_my_will/
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What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ehuvd/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
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Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden

So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time."
God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can labor, and after much exhausting work, he returns to Adam after a week has passed and reveals to him his creation.
Adam is speechless. After much gaping, he finally finds the words to say "God, she is beautiful, she is truly your most perfect creation. I must ask though, what will this cost me, for surely this cannot be free."
God says soberly "My son. I confess, to have a being of such beauty and grace, you must give me an arm and a leg. I can accept no other payment."
Adam weighs this for a moment, and then says, "How much can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ehp2c/adam_is_sitting_in_the_garden_of_eden/
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Why is the Kremlin so much warmer this winter?

It had new windows Putin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ehnh6/why_is_the_kremlin_so_much_warmer_this_winter/
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I hate people who talk behind my back.

They discussed me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ehnab/i_hate_people_who_talk_behind_my_back/
%
I sexually identify as an invisible dad.

I'm trans-parent.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ehke2/i_sexually_identify_as_an_invisible_dad/
%
A man spends a fortune on a horse that is supposed to be an amazing stallion

. He is told the horse will impregnate 20-30 fermale horses.
He brings the horse to his farm, but the horse is not doing anything, just sleeping and eating grass all day.
Some time after he meets with an old friend, and explains the story. The friend replies:
- The same happened to me, I bought a horse that was supposed to be an amazing stallion, but he won't do anything, so I bought him a syrup drug that he is drinking every day, and from that day on he is impregnating 20-30 females a day.
So the lazy horse owner asks:
- Do you remember the name of the syrup?
To which his friend answer:
- I don't remember, but it has a kind of mint taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ehjwq/a_man_spends_a_fortune_on_a_horse_that_is/
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Not Agian

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said: "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen."
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked him how he knew that.
"Why," the old man, "I must live a good, clean life or the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc looked a little concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you."
"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental conditions. He told me every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
The one lady replied, "Damn it, he's peeing in the refrigerator again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ehgrd/not_agian/
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A gent, badly in need of the toilet was on an international flight to Japan..

All of the bathrooms were engaged, bar for the ladies' loo in first class.
The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but warned him that this was a Japanese toilet and cautioned him against using any of the buttons on it.
Having taken care of urgent business he looked around and his eyes alit on the buttons.   Marked in both English and Japanese, his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom.
After the initial surprise, he decided it was quite pleasant and wondered what the others did.
Next he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.
Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.  When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"
The nurse replied, "Yes, I imagine you were having a great time until you pressed the 'ATR' button.  It stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ehfqh/a_gent_badly_in_need_of_the_toilet_was_on_an/
%
A Blind Man Walked Into A Bar

Then A Chair, Then A Table, Then A Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ehe3a/a_blind_man_walked_into_a_bar/
%
What's a black mailman called?

A blackmailer.
I'll show myself out :(.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ehde2/whats_a_black_mailman_called/
%
I'm an anesthesiologist.

I get to pass gas for a living.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ehd5b/im_an_anesthesiologist/
%
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.

Adios Omegas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ehd1j/my_collection_of_swiss_watches_was_stolen_in_spain/
%
Why does Beyonce sing "To the left, to the left?"

Because black people have no rights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eh9we/why_does_beyonce_sing_to_the_left_to_the_left/
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I heard Kayne West is said to be recovering well in hospital.

Especially after a nine hour operation to remove his head from his arsehole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eh9kf/i_heard_kayne_west_is_said_to_be_recovering_well/
%
5 Drunk Guys Arrive in a Train Station

When the train gets in the station, four of them boards the train, and the other one is so drunk he was left behind.
The station guard seeing all of this, says to the guy:
> You are so drunk that you couldn't even board the train with the others huh?
The guys responds to the guard:
> Hah, Ain't that funny? And I was the only one that was going to travel, the others were here just to say goodbye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eh99p/5_drunk_guys_arrive_in_a_train_station/
%
Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eh7ck/doctor_i_have_a_sexual_problem/
%
Two admins meet at work

"A friend of mine was able to shut down the main server just in 5 minutes!"
"Wow. He is a hacker?"
"No. Just an idiot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eh1wb/two_admins_meet_at_work/
%
Yesterday, I had a blast roasting this random fat guy in a comedy club

the audience loved it but some said it was a little too spicy for their taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eh1dq/yesterday_i_had_a_blast_roasting_this_random_fat/
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Two lice meet after many years and discuss about their lives.

The first one looks very healthy, while the other one is very sick.
"You look terrible", says the first one. "Why is that?".
"Well, I live in the mustache of a Harley Davidson motorcyclist, who rides all the time and the cold wind makes me get sick. How about you? You look so healthy".
"I have the solution for you. Do what I did. Go to a public toilet and wait for a girl to come in. Once she undresses, jump to her genital area and stay there. It's very warm, trust me. You'll feel better after  few days".
After a couple of weeks they meet again. The second louse again looks very sick.
"What happened", says the first one. "Did you do what I told you?".
"Well, I did. I went to a public toilet, as you said, waited for a woman to come and undress and jumped to her 'thing' when I found the opportunity. Everything was fine. I felt very warm there and my health got better the 4 first days. On the fifth day though, I can't even understand how I ended up again on the motorcyclist mustache.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eh06m/two_lice_meet_after_many_years_and_discuss_about/
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Anyone who loses his arms shouldn't just throw them out.

You never know when they'll come in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egzif/anyone_who_loses_his_arms_shouldnt_just_throw/
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As a concierge at a posh resort....

... I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egygx/as_a_concierge_at_a_posh_resort/
%
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.”

The superconductor left without resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egwnk/a_superconductor_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender/
%
My ex wives were all good housekeepers..

..When they left, they kept the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egvjq/my_ex_wives_were_all_good_housekeepers/
%
I masturbate with soap...

Just thought I'd come clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egvb4/i_masturbate_with_soap/
%
Mountains aren't just funny

They are hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egusj/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
How many mexicans can you fit in a bus?

All of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egru7/how_many_mexicans_can_you_fit_in_a_bus/
%
I invited OJ Simpson to my Thanksgiving dinner.

He's good at carving white meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egqd1/i_invited_oj_simpson_to_my_thanksgiving_dinner/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone calls me a racist

I'd have $0.60.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egpkd/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_calls_me/
%
My book on tantric sex finally arrived.

Damn thing took ages to come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egorb/my_book_on_tantric_sex_finally_arrived/
%
Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time

For shits and giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egok9/yesterday_i_took_laxatives_and_laughing_gas_at/
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Tell Her Yourself

A lady went to a salon to dress her hair. While dressing her hair, she noticed a handsome man sitting quietly in the shop. Suddenly the lady turned to the man and said Mr., you are so handsome can we meet later today?
The man replied 'I'm married'. The woman continued; "and so? You can just tell your wife you're going to visit a friend in the hospital and from there"...
and the man replied;
"Tell her yourself, she's the one doing your hair".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egod3/tell_her_yourself/
%
If Apple made a car, what would it be lacking?

Windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egm11/if_apple_made_a_car_what_would_it_be_lacking/
%
I capture lions for a living...

I guess you could say I take pride in my work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eglii/i_capture_lions_for_a_living/
%
I was very lonely so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eglg4/i_was_very_lonely_so_i_bought_some_shares/
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A local census says that on average, 1 in every 4 guys is gay

I hope it's Dave- i think he's kinda cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egldj/a_local_census_says_that_on_average_1_in_every_4/
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How do Japanese Chihuahuas say 'Hello'?

Konichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egjks/how_do_japanese_chihuahuas_say_hello/
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My wife says that she still hears her grandmother's voice sometimes before she goes to sleep at night.

But only when I forget to lock the basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eghb0/my_wife_says_that_she_still_hears_her/
%
An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman

all work together in construction building the World's tallest building.
Each day they sit high on a girder and eat lunch together.
After several weeks onsite, the Englishman says "I'm sick of getting these same marmite sandwiches everyday. If I get another one of these, I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself"
The Scot agrees and says, "I'm sick of haggis every day. If I receive it once more it's goodbye from me too".
The Irishman also can't stand it. "I'm sick of potatoes" he says, "if I get another potato for lunch, I'm going to jump and kill myself.
Next day they all meet for lunch at the same spot. The Englishman opens his lunch and without a word, he leaps to his death. The Scot looks at his lunch, sighs and jumps too. The Irishman opens his lunch, takes one look and joins his friends.
The following week it's their funeral and their wives are giving the eulogy for each.
The English wife says "If only I'd known. I would have packed him something different".
The Scottish wife says "If only I'd known. I would have packed him something different.
Lastly, the Irish wife says, "He packed his own lunch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5egf09/an_englishman_a_scot_and_an_irishman/
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How do we know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her Head & Shoulders under the steering wheel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eg7yq/how_do_we_know_princess_diana_had_dandruff/
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Took my girlfriend to a baseball game this last season

We made a deal in the beginning.
I kiss her on every strike and she kisses me on the balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eg72y/took_my_girlfriend_to_a_baseball_game_this_last/
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A dog is lost in an African Jungle.

Somehow a dog gets lost in an African jungle. As he is finding his way a lion spots him. The lion thinks since the dog is so small he will be easy pray. When the dog sees the lion he gets extremely scared and starts to run but he sees some bones and gets an idea. As the lion approaches he says "Mmmm, that was some good lion." The lion immediately realizes this dog is a lot tougher than he thought and runs off.
But there was a monkey in a tree watching the whole time. The monkey decides if he tells the lion what had happened the lion might reward him. So he tells the lion and the lion tells him to get on his back so they can share the dog. As the lion and monkey find the dog, the dog spots them as well. The dog begins to run but has another idea, "Where is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion hours ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eg5l2/a_dog_is_lost_in_an_african_jungle/
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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park

. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and i'll shit on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eg4q6/a_statue_of_a_man_and_a_statue_of_a_woman_stood/
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Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door

bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her panties off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eg4pk/paddy_rings_his_new_girlfriends_door/
%
The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eg4gj/the_doc_told_a_guy_that_masturbating_before_sex/
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I try to teach my mom something new everyday.

Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eg4eq/i_try_to_teach_my_mom_something_new_everyday/
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The New Father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eg496/the_new_father/
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A man is driving late at night.

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eg1ox/a_man_is_driving_late_at_night/
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Everyone knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eg0ms/everyone_knows_dave/
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This morning I was at the atm when an elderly woman asked if I could check her balance

So I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efxsn/this_morning_i_was_at_the_atm_when_an_elderly/
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What is trumps favorite bookstore?

Borders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efx25/what_is_trumps_favorite_bookstore/
%
Looking forward to my traditional 7-course Irish Thanksgiving meal

A six pack and a potato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efw7z/looking_forward_to_my_traditional_7course_irish/
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I like my women like I like my non sequiturs...

Baseball is fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efw1g/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_non_sequiturs/
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An inmate's last request

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efvs8/an_inmates_last_request/
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I just read an article about the damage cigarettes can do to young children.

The first thought that occurred to me was "What the fuck happened to using ashtrays?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efvmi/i_just_read_an_article_about_the_damage/
%
When it comes to stealing chocolate bars...

I have a couple twix up my sleeve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efuel/when_it_comes_to_stealing_chocolate_bars/
%
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Only a fraction of you will find this funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efsql/theres_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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What do the twin towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two and now its too offensive to talk about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efr9v/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_genders_have_in_common/
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Two old Italian men sitting and talking...

Luigi:  Mario, you my besta friend
Mario: Luigi, you my besta frienda too!
Luigi:  Mario, you lika girls widda no front teeth?
Mario: No, Luigi, why wudda I like girls widda no front teeth?
Luigi:  Mario, you lika girls widda breasts sagging downa to da floor?
Mario: No, Luigi, why wudda I like girls widda breasts sagging downa to da floor?!
Luigi: Mario, you lika girls with veins allll over her legs?
Mario:  No Luigi, why wudda I like girls widda veins alll over der legs??
Luigi:   Mario... denna why you fuckina my wife?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efqkk/two_old_italian_men_sitting_and_talking/
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History of panties...

50 years ago you'd have to pull down her panties to see her ass.
Today, you have to pull her ass apart, to see her panties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efoik/history_of_panties/
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Once there were three turtles decided to go on a picnic.

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efn6f/once_there_were_three_turtles_decided_to_go_on_a/
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[NSFW]My uncle said I have the body of a seven year old...

...I told him to stay away from my freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efl9s/nsfwmy_uncle_said_i_have_the_body_of_a_seven_year/
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You can never trust someone from Chernobyl.

Most of them are two-faced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efl7s/you_can_never_trust_someone_from_chernobyl/
%
Kids are like farts...

I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efk5t/kids_are_like_farts/
%
First date

A young boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. Now the boy is completely flustered, but remembers the advise of his father and then plays his last card and asks the girl the third  question : "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efgjj/first_date/
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How physicists see other sciences:

Biology: squishy physics
Geology: slow physics
Computer Science: virtual physics
Psychology: people physics
Chemistry: impure physics
Math: physics minus the units

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efflh/how_physicists_see_other_sciences/
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Not only is my new thesaurus terrible

But it's also terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5effk6/not_only_is_my_new_thesaurus_terrible/
%
I once called a psychic.

She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efele/i_once_called_a_psychic/
%
If you ever happen to get cold...

Stand in a corner, they tend to be 90 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5efefm/if_you_ever_happen_to_get_cold/
%
Has anyone heard of the new band called 512MB?

They haven't any gigs yet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ef9e0/has_anyone_heard_of_the_new_band_called_512mb/
%
Dark humor is like food...

Not everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ef8as/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
A blind guy walks into a store...

and starts swinging his seeing eye dog around his head. An employee comes over and nervously asks if he can help. The blind guy replies "No thanks. I'm just looking around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ef7p0/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_store/
%
Tinder announced a new feature this week which gives users 37 gender options to choose from

And it's now easier than ever to avoid matching with the mentally unstable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ef6uv/tinder_announced_a_new_feature_this_week_which/
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Women are like balls.

At 20, they are a Soccer Ball with 22 men running after them.
At 30, they are a Basketball with 10 men running after them.
At 40, they are a Golf Ball with just 1 man running after them.
At 50, they are a Ping-Pong Ball with men pushing them to other men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ef6bf/women_are_like_balls/
%
My mate Dave drowned...

For his funeral, we got a wreath in the shape of a life saver.
It's what he would've wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ef5cp/my_mate_dave_drowned/
%
What does the Israeli Defense Force call their firebombs?

Mazel-tov Cocktails

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ef4oa/what_does_the_israeli_defense_force_call_their/
%
What do you call nuts on a wall?

Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chest?
Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin?
A dick in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ef2s0/what_do_you_call_nuts_on_a_wall/
%
A young man is experiencing back problems..

..and his back problems are starting to affect his ability to breathe and speak normally.  He schedules an appointment with his doctor to assess and fix the problem.  The man arrives to his appointment and says "Doc.. I.. c-c-can't talk.. c-c.. can't breathe.. back hurts.. help!"  So, the doctor does a thorough physical examination and says, "Sir, it is my professional opinion that your penis is so large and heavy that it is straining your back, and this has become the source of your breathing and speaking troubles.  I believe that if we remove just 7 inches from your penis, you should recover to your normal self."  The man says, "Oh.. g-g-god.. I... ..okay, doc, do it."  So the doctor performs the surgery and sends the man home to rest.  A week later, the man returns to the doctor for his followup visit and says, "Doc, I feel incredible!  The back pain is gone, I can breathe, I can speak.. but, doc, I was wondering.. what ever happened to the 7 inches you removed?"  And the doctor replies, "It's.. a-around.. h-here.. somewhere!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ef1jl/a_young_man_is_experiencing_back_problems/
%
A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ef0x7/a_kid_asks_mommy_how_come_im_black_and_youre_white/
%
"I just love a girl in uniform"

Appropriate on the battlefield, but not at your local schoolyard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eezb6/i_just_love_a_girl_in_uniform/
%
What's Hitler's favorite thing in the ocean?

Adolfin!
Where does he go to see them?
NotSea World

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eewz7/whats_hitlers_favorite_thing_in_the_ocean/
%
Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eevzo/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
%
My wife was pissed when I slept through a burglary last night

We got caught, and I woke up during mug shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eet93/my_wife_was_pissed_when_i_slept_through_a/
%
A violinist notices that he can't keep his violin in tune...

... so he asks the conductor of his orchestra to help. "Take it to Opporknockety," says the conductor. "He is a violin expert."
The violinist packs his things and makes the trek to the Swiss Alps where the expert lives. Sure enough, Opporknockety fixes the problem and the violin sounds great. A few years later, the violinist notices that his instrument is once again failing to keep in tune. The violinist once again says to his conductor, "I guess I'll have to take it back to Opporknockety." "No, you can't, " says the conductor," "Opporknockety only Tunes once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ees4z/a_violinist_notices_that_he_cant_keep_his_violin/
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Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance

Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eeque/today_a_fortune_cookie_told_me_that_every_exit_is/
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What's the best part about dating a fat girl?

They always know where they want to eat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eepy7/whats_the_best_part_about_dating_a_fat_girl/
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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

I'd have enough money to make a black guy rob me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eeow4/if_i_got_1_every_time_somebody_called_me_a_racist/
%
I'm sitting in a bar having a drink ...

... and I see man fall down. I go over and pick him up. "Bartender, do you know where this man lives? I'll give him a lift home." He tells me where he lives. I grab the guy, pull him down to the car, put him in the car, he falls into the backseat. I get to the address, pull the man out, he falls down three more times, I pick him up each time. I knock on the door, his wife answers. I say "I brought your husband home." She says "Where's his wheelchair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eejkp/im_sitting_in_a_bar_having_a_drink/
%
A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.
"What?" says the woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eejdb/a_man_and_a_woman_rotate_to_the_same_table_in_a/
%
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns...

But I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eeht9/a_friend_of_mine_tried_to_annoy_me_with_bird_puns/
%
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *thwack* - "shit", and a skydiver goes "shit" - *thwack*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eeh19/whats_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
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To get in shape, I need to pick up a sport as a hobby...

I was thinking about competitive eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eeeje/to_get_in_shape_i_need_to_pick_up_a_sport_as_a/
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A magician performs on a cruise

A magician is performing on a cruise when one of the rich clients comes in with her pet parrot. He disappears one of the assistants from the stage and the parrot inmediately explains how it was done. Infuriated, he asks the woman to leave the premises.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry". She says. "My husband is also a great magician and the parrot learned everything about it from him."
The next day the magician performs his newest illusion and makes three trained dogs appear on the stage. The parrot inmediately says how it was done.
He is about to complain to the lady when a sudden storm hits and the cruise sinks, leaving him stranded in the middle of the ocean, grabbing one of the dinner tables to survive, with the parrot as his only companion
The days go by and he says to the now silent parrot:
"Don't you have anything to say now!?"
The parrot replies:
"Ok, I give up. Where's the boat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eedy6/a_magician_performs_on_a_cruise/
%
A man goes on a trip to a mountain

When he arrives he sees the largest mountain he ever saw and decides so climb it. He goes, and goes, and goes.
Eventually he finds himself at the top of the mountain and sees the house of a wise man that lived isolated from society to meditate.
The wise man when sees the climber said to him:
My son, you may ask me one question and I will answer it.
The man starts thinking about what should he ask and after ten minutes of wondering speaks: what's the difference between a woman and something precious?
The wise man opens his eyes in awe, because he was expecting a question about the meaning of life or something along these lines. However, after a minute he answers.
You know my son, a woman in her middle uses only one hole for insertion, something precious uses two.
The man stands there with his answer and says: I known I only had one question, but you know that.... hummm... Some women use two holes.
The wise man quickly responds: That is not a woman, that is something precious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eed88/a_man_goes_on_a_trip_to_a_mountain/
%
Some porn can be really off-putting.

You know, the disgusting 240p stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eeca8/some_porn_can_be_really_offputting/
%
A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...

... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eebk6/a_drunk_is_thrown_in_jail_for_public_intoxication/
%
I just got my prostate examined.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eea0t/i_just_got_my_prostate_examined/
%
What do Japanese people say after a Thanksgiving prayer?

Ra'men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ee6a2/what_do_japanese_people_say_after_a_thanksgiving/
%
I just can't trust stairs anymore

Try seem like they're down for anything, but really they're always up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ee5ja/i_just_cant_trust_stairs_anymore/
%
What is 6.9?

Sex interrupted with a period!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ee5fw/what_is_69/
%
Why do people at work always laugh at my jokes?

Because they're paid to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ee4ix/why_do_people_at_work_always_laugh_at_my_jokes/
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What did the tropical flowers say to the biscuit tin?

*"Hibiscus!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ee3zz/what_did_the_tropical_flowers_say_to_the_biscuit/
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A curvy blonde walks into a drugstore

She asks the clerk, "Can you show me where the flashlight batteries are?".
The clerk says, "Sure." and wiggled his fingers at her in a come-hither gesture. "Come this way", he continued.
She replied "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the flashlight batteries."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ee34l/a_curvy_blonde_walks_into_a_drugstore/
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It was two o'clock in the morning...

...and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang.  The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ee2ut/it_was_two_oclock_in_the_morning/
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So engineering school is really hard...

I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ee1jx/so_engineering_school_is_really_hard/
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I'm thinking of starting a youth foundation...

I mean I've already got like 30 kids buried in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ee1i3/im_thinking_of_starting_a_youth_foundation/
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I walked 10 miles today.

I knew I shouldn't have let my dad name my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ee18p/i_walked_10_miles_today/
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Diets are like ghosts.

They might exist, but I wouldn't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ee0bf/diets_are_like_ghosts/
%
What is sticky and quacks?

Duck tape!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ee05z/what_is_sticky_and_quacks/
%
When I asked my girlfriend what car she was going to buy...

She said, "I don't know. I just want something that gets me from A to B."
She's so stupid. No car is going to increase her cup size.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5edym8/when_i_asked_my_girlfriend_what_car_she_was_going/
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Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world is in shock.
-Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
-Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
-Latin American countries are sending clothing.
-New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
-The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
-Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
-President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5edy3a/donald_trump/
%
How would you rate USA and Saudi Arabia's relationship?

9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5edx67/how_would_you_rate_usa_and_saudi_arabias/
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A question on an internet forum...

A question on an internet forum:
Q: Please help, I have this great itching between my toes.
A: Well, that depends. If the itching is between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5edoy2/a_question_on_an_internet_forum/
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Trump should appoint Sarah Palin as the Administrator of NASA.

I know, I know, I could've stopped it there, but here's the punchline:
I mean, we must be fair and give her some consideration, because she does make a good argument: she can see the moon from her house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5edod3/trump_should_appoint_sarah_palin_as_the/
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What's the most positive thing about Africa?

HIV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ednlv/whats_the_most_positive_thing_about_africa/
%
I got a thesaurus the other day, but all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5edekp/i_got_a_thesaurus_the_other_day_but_all_the_pages/
%
Four men walk into . . .

Four men walk into a **<social establishment>**. Inside the **<social establishment>**, they have a conversation about **<topic>**. Eventually one of them leaves the group and goes to the bathroom. After he left, the conversation shifts from **<topic>** to the well-being of their sons.
&nbsp;
The first one says, "my son is very successful. He is a **<reputable career #1>**. This **<holiday>** he gave his best friend **<indicator of wealth #1>**."
&nbsp;
"My son is also very successful" the second man adds to the conversation, "he works as a **<reputable career #2>**. This **<holiday>** he gave his best friend **<indicator of wealth #2>**."
&nbsp;
The third man interjects, "that's nice. My son is very successful too. He is a **<reputable career #3>**. He just gave his best friend **<indicator of wealth #3>** during **<holiday>**."
&nbsp;
At that moment, the fourth guy returns to the group. "What are you guys talking about?" he asks.
&nbsp;
"We are bragging about how great our sons are," one of them says, "how successful is your son?"
&nbsp;
"Oh he's an unemployed homosexual," the fourth guy responded.
&nbsp;
"Oh that's unfortunate."
&nbsp;
"Not really," the guy says, "he has three boyfriends and during **<holiday>** they gave him **<indicator of wealth #1>**, **<indicator of wealth #2>**, and **<indicator of wealth #3>**."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5edehk/four_men_walk_into/
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Bill was a farmer

and was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and Versace tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Bill.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep"...
"Now give me back my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eddul/bill_was_a_farmer/
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My Russian friends cringe everytime I tell a joke...

Because in Russia line punch you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eddpu/my_russian_friends_cringe_everytime_i_tell_a_joke/
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Hunters should always know what's behind their target

Behind mine is a Sam's Club and a Starbucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5edd1t/hunters_should_always_know_whats_behind_their/
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When I lay down to go to sleep, I watch Hillary Clinton rallies

It is much more convenient than counting sheep individually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eda6a/when_i_lay_down_to_go_to_sleep_i_watch_hillary/
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A clever one from Yahoo! Answers

Sea water equals salt. That's what it boils down to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ed56q/a_clever_one_from_yahoo_answers/
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Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that is not a least 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ed4ch/why_do_jewish_men_get_circumcised/
%
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
Son: i did some schoolwork.
The robot slaps the son.
Son: ok ok, i was at friends house watching movies.
Dad: what movie did you watch ?
Son: toy story
The robot slaps the son.
Son: ok ok, we were watching porn.
Dad: whaaat ?! At your age i didnt know what porn was.
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says: well, he certainly is your son !
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ed34o/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
%
A guy spots a nice TV in a yard sale and stops by to take a closer look..

He doesn't see a price tag. "That's a nice TV!! How much are you asking for it?" he asks.
Owner replies, "Yes, this is an excellent television and it is all yours for just $1!"
Confused, the guy inquires, "One dollar?! Does it even work? What is wrong with it?"
The owner reassuringly replies, "It works perfectly and is full HD. The only thing is, the volume is stuck at the loudest level and it cannot be changed"
Surprised the guy asks, "Is that it? It works fine other than that?" to which the owner replies, "Yes, and also there's no remote".
Feeling like this could be a great investment yet still wanting to be cautious about how he spends his money, the guy asks, "Can you plug it in and show me if it works?"
The owner turns out to be a Good Samaritan and invites the guy into his home, hooks up the tv to his DVD player! "Are you ready for this?" He asks. The guy nods and the owner turns it on!
*I love it Loud by KISS plays on TV*....and no doubt the picture is HD and the song is obnoxiously LOUD!
Blown away the guy exclaims, "WOW!! What a deal!! I can't turn it down!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ed2t0/a_guy_spots_a_nice_tv_in_a_yard_sale_and_stops_by/
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Blossom

A priest was walking the streets of Dublin and came upon a little girl walking her dog. The little girl came up to the priest and smiled so the priest inquired as to her name.
"Blossom" said the little girl.
"Oh Jaysus, what a pretty name. How'd you come to be named that, dear?"
The little girl replied "When my mother was pregnant with me she was walking through a park and a single flower blossom was carried by the wind and landed directly at her feet."
The priest beamed "Oh, what a sweet story. And what is your dog's name?"
"Piggy." said the girl.
"And why was he named that?"
"Because he fucks pigs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ed1pg/blossom/
%
My clearest memory of high school is my friend asking me if I brought gym clothes

and me asking, "Who the fuck is Jim?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ed0gv/my_clearest_memory_of_high_school_is_my_friend/
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What's the difference between a doctor and God?

God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecxnr/whats_the_difference_between_a_doctor_and_god/
%
A 20 year old girl tells her mom her period is 2 weeks late.....

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecxfx/a_20_year_old_girl_tells_her_mom_her_period_is_2/
%
Why are Mafia members so good at sex?

Because they've always got a stiff in the trunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecu4n/why_are_mafia_members_so_good_at_sex/
%
What breaks when you give it to a toddler?

Their hips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecsvk/what_breaks_when_you_give_it_to_a_toddler/
%
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?! Years?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecsv9/doctor_im_sorry_but_you_suffer_from_a_terminal/
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[Long] The frog that know sex

One day some woman sat in a a park and read a newspaper, she saw there an ad about frog that know sex, the ad promise that this frog is "the best sex you will ever have only for 500$!", after thinking about it a lot she decide to order the frog as a 40 year birthday present to her husband.
The frog arrive just in time for his birthday and in the morning she show her to him and tell him about the frog, at first the husband is sure she is kidding him but after a while she menage to convince him it's not a prank, and really the ad said that this is the best sex he will ever have. After that she telling him to have fun, as she leave, and telling him she will be back home in 4 hours.
She arrive home 4 hours later to see her husband and the sex frog sitting on the couch watching cooking shows. The wife yell at him "ARE YOU CRAZY?! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS FROG COST?! SHE CAN DO AMAZING THINGS BUT INSTEAD YOU JUST SITTING HERE WATCHING COOKING SHOWS?!"
So the husband tell her "I know, the second she learn how to cook you're moving out".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecrg2/long_the_frog_that_know_sex/
%
What do you call a cow with five legs?

Rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecqbk/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_five_legs/
%
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts to fit into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecpag/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
%
The cowboys play the redskins this year in thanksgiving day.

Just like the first thanksgiving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eco8a/the_cowboys_play_the_redskins_this_year_in/
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This sub Reddit is like rain on a mountain

We don't know where it's going but it's going downhill fucking fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecn99/this_sub_reddit_is_like_rain_on_a_mountain/
%
What do you feed a feminist at a cookout?

Trick question.  Nobody invites feminists to a cookout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecjrq/what_do_you_feed_a_feminist_at_a_cookout/
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What do you get when you cross a blue eye and a brown eye?

Pink eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecid2/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_blue_eye_and_a/
%
I was at the store with my Dad...

We were in the store and passed by the condoms. He looks at them for a second, picks some up, and throws them to me.
He said "I know you've got yourself a girlfriend now, so I think it's about time you learn about protection. These are pretty great, I doubt that you would be here today if not for these!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecgne/i_was_at_the_store_with_my_dad/
%
I had to file a sexual harassment claim against a squirrel in the park yesterday...

...he wouldn't stop trying to grab my nut sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecfmh/i_had_to_file_a_sexual_harassment_claim_against_a/
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecepp/a_group_of_chess_enthusiasts_checked_into_a_hotel/
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Woman seeks man

A woman, tired of being single puts out an ad seeking a man who won't beat her, won't run out on her and is a fantastic lover. One day, she hears the door bell ring and to her surprise, at the door is a man with no arms or legs.
"May I help you?" She asks.
"I'm here about your notice." The man replies.
"But you have no arms!" The woman exclaims.
"Well then you know I'll never beat you."
"But you have no legs!"
"Well then you know I'll never run out on you."
"Ok, but the notice said I wanted an amazing lover."
"Lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ecelw/woman_seeks_man/
%
What rock group has four men that don't sing?

mount rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ec9tn/what_rock_group_has_four_men_that_dont_sing/
%
I am terrified of elevators

I am going to start taking steps to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ec9cp/i_am_terrified_of_elevators/
%
I just flew in from Chernobyl

And boy are my arms legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ec92c/i_just_flew_in_from_chernobyl/
%
What's the most encouraging calisthenic?

Chin-ups!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ec8hz/whats_the_most_encouraging_calisthenic/
%
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis, father, ladder I mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ec3gq/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

Everybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ebwor/youll_never_believe_who_i_bumped_into_on_my_way/
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Two Polish janitors are unhappy because they always get passed over for promotions.

Anatol and Artur are two Polish janitors. They always seem to get passed over for promotions. They discuss the issue and decide that Artur will ask the boss about it.
Artur goes to his boss. "Why are me an Anatol always passed over for promotions? We work hard."
The boss says, "It's not about your work. It's about intelligence."
"Intelligence?" Artur says. "What's that?"
"I'll show you," says the boss. He holds his hand in front of a brick wall and tells Artur to hit his hand as hard as possible.
Artur rears back and throws a punch at the boss's hand. The boss pulls his hand away and Artur winds up in a cast with a broken hand.
The next day he tells Anatol, "I know why we never get promoted."
"Why not?"
"Intelligence."
"Intelligence?" says Anatol. "What's that?"
"I'll show you," says Artur. He holds his good hand up in front of his face. "Hit my hand as hard as you can."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ebud9/two_polish_janitors_are_unhappy_because_they/
%
I'm not fond of narcissism.

I feel like I'm better than that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ebsri/im_not_fond_of_narcissism/
%
How can you tell the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

I dunno, I just repost them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ebru1/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_good/
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A farmer is walking across a field and sees a well...

so he picks up a rock and throws it inside to see how deep it is.
He doesn't hear a splash, so he picks up a piece of wood and throws it into the well, but alas, still no splash.
He starts to get very angry from thirst and looks around desperately. He sees an anvil and heaves it into the well. Still no splash.
The farmer turns around and sees a goat stampeding towards him. He jumps aside and sees the goat hurl itself into the well. He doesn't understand the goat's action and stands dumbfounded.
A guy soon comes around and asks the farmer if he's seen his goat and the farmer explained that it jumped into the well.
The guy exclaims: "That's impossible, he was tied to a huge friggin' anvil."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ebp48/a_farmer_is_walking_across_a_field_and_sees_a_well/
%
What do perverted frogs say?

"Rubbit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ebors/what_do_perverted_frogs_say/
%
Why did the tree leave his career of 15 years to start his own business?

...he wanted to branch out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ebng4/why_did_the_tree_leave_his_career_of_15_years_to/
%
I have a phobia of over engineered buildings

I have a complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ebmkh/i_have_a_phobia_of_over_engineered_buildings/
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Women are like buses...

very few will let you come in through the back door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ebeiy/women_are_like_buses/
%
KFC is a shelter

for battered chickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ebdor/kfc_is_a_shelter/
%
My people believe there are spirits on the moon. Would you please take them a message from me? (x-post from r/space)

On 20 July 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the surface of the moon. In the months leading up to their expedition, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. The area is home to several Native American communities, and there is a story – or legend – describing an encounter between the astronauts and one of the locals.
One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American. The man asked them what they were doing there. They replied that they were part of a research expedition that would shortly travel to explore the moon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent for a few moments, and then asked the astronauts if they could do him a favor.
‘What do you want?’ they asked. ‘Well,’ said the old man, ‘the people of my tribe believe that holy spirits live on the moon. I was wondering if you could pass an important message to them from my people.’ ‘What’s the message?’ asked the astronauts.
The man uttered something in his tribal language, and then asked the astronauts to repeat it again and again until they had memorized it correctly.
‘What does it mean?’ asked the astronauts. ‘Oh, I cannot tell you. It’s a secret that only our tribe and the moon spirits are allowed to know.’
When they returned to their base, the astronauts searched and searched until they found someone who could speak the tribal language, and asked him to translate the secret message. When they repeated what they had memorized, the translator started to laugh uproariously. When he calmed down, the astronauts asked him what it meant. The man explained that the sentence they had memorized so carefully said, ‘Don’t believe a single word these people are telling you. They have come to steal your lands.’
Source: Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind Book by Yuval Noah Harari'. 2011.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ebcjb/my_people_believe_there_are_spirits_on_the_moon/
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My girlfriend calls me the gas station...

Because I have 6-10 pumps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eb9zp/my_girlfriend_calls_me_the_gas_station/
%
A man goes to a dentist ...

Dentist: I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want to hear first?
Man: I'd like the bad news first please.
Dentist: Your teeth are so fucked, we have to pull them all out.
Man: Well shit, what are the good news though?
Dentist: Did you see the hot girl at the reception?
Man: Yes?
Dentist: We're dating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eb9ou/a_man_goes_to_a_dentist/
%
A 14 year old Chinese boy walks into a bar

He goes up to the the bar and signals the bartender
"I'll have a pint please"
The bartender looks him up and down and laughs
"You're way too young!"
"How you know my name!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eb9ia/a_14_year_old_chinese_boy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a female Lannister that runs faster than her brothers

A Virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eb9c0/what_do_you_call_a_female_lannister_that_runs/
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A black man is walking down the street...

I saw a black man walking down the street, carrying a TV with him.
"That's funny" I thought, "I could've sworn that was mine!"
But then I remembered, it *couldn't* be mine, because mine was at home,
Shining my shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eb8ve/a_black_man_is_walking_down_the_street/
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What's the cheapest type of meat?

Deer balls,
They're under a buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eb7z7/whats_the_cheapest_type_of_meat/
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My girl broke up with me, thinks I am childish.

So, I calmed down. Took a deep breath. Went to her house. Rang the doorbell and ran away..HA!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eb519/my_girl_broke_up_with_me_thinks_i_am_childish/
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My black friend asked me if there's a colored printer in the library...

I said "Shit man, it's 2016 you can use whatever printer you want!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eb4ii/my_black_friend_asked_me_if_theres_a_colored/
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I have the heart of a lion...

And a lifetime ban from the Lincoln Park Zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eb49a/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eb14w/two_guys_are_in_a_locker_room_when_one_guy/
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Everyone keeps saying I'm paranoid...

This must be some sort of conspiracy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eb06r/everyone_keeps_saying_im_paranoid/
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I Lost my watch at a party once.

Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl... not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eaxww/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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Why can't redneck murder mysteries be solved?

Because all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eavla/why_cant_redneck_murder_mysteries_be_solved/
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What do you call a flying monkey?

A hot air baboon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eaul8/what_do_you_call_a_flying_monkey/
%
A man was talking to his girlfriend...

When the girlfriend said, "I'm pregnant."
The man replied, "I don't want to be a parent! Are you serious?!"
The girlfriend said, "I'm serious."
Then the man said, "Good, otherwise you'd be kidding me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eau8n/a_man_was_talking_to_his_girlfriend/
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ITALIAN ARITHMETIC

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Without a numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Ave you gota no brain?
Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' '
Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirtytree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eatci/italian_arithmetic/
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If life gives you melons...

You might be dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eat3n/if_life_gives_you_melons/
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Orange Pecker

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc my pecker has turned orange."
The doctor takes a look and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work, a chemical plant?"
The guy answers, "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now, and I've just been sitting around the house watching pornos and eating cheetos."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eaqye/orange_pecker/
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My wife has a shell tattood on her upper thigh..

And if you lay your ear on top of it, you can smell the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eaov5/my_wife_has_a_shell_tattood_on_her_upper_thigh/
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Three gay deer walk out of a bar:

One turns to the others and says "I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eanpk/three_gay_deer_walk_out_of_a_bar/
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Why was the black woman pregnant of quadruplets arrested?

Gang formation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eaigg/why_was_the_black_woman_pregnant_of_quadruplets/
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What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes?

Cuntstubble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eai4w/what_do_you_call_a_policewoman_who_shaves_her/
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Sex can burn 200 calories an hour.

I better go on a diet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eahb2/sex_can_burn_200_calories_an_hour/
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What do you get if you cross a dentist and a soldier?

A Drill Sergeant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eag2w/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_dentist_and_a/
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"Do you know what happens when you die? " this priest said to me,

"Well yes, " I replied, "the kids will argue over my shit, the wife will probably shag my brother again and everybody who thinks I am a proper cunt will go round telling my family what a great bloke I was. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eaf0j/do_you_know_what_happens_when_you_die_this_priest/
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A blind man walks into a fish store ...

and says: "Whats up girls".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eaenb/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_fish_store/
%
What happens when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eaeer/what_happens_when_a_cow_jumps_over_a_barbed_wire/
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My girlfriend is a pornstar

Shes going to kill me once she finds out,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eaea6/my_girlfriend_is_a_pornstar/
%
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eae7u/alabama_changed_the_drinking_age_to_34/
%
I secretly bought some new trousers without telling my girlfriend

Do you think chinos?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eae2m/i_secretly_bought_some_new_trousers_without/
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Help! I accidentally swallowed a mint!

Never mind, I'm cool now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eac60/help_i_accidentally_swallowed_a_mint/
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What is the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5eaa8g/what_is_the_most_effective_way_to_remember_your/
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A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ea4zt/a_dad_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps_you_if/
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Christians only

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Sikh." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Buddhism."
“Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Hipsterian New Age thingy."
"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Christians are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ea4h0/christians_only/
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A priest was teaching a tribe to be civilized..

A priest/whatever was teaching a tribe to be civilized. He taught them all the manners and etiquettes. Finally, he decided to teach them English.
He took the village head and walked around the forest.
He pointed at a tree and said "tree". The Elder nodded and the priest was pleased that he understood.
He walked further and pointed and said "flower". The Elder nodded.
Further still, he came across a couple who were doing something very...er.. "heavy and hot".
The priest, blushing, turned away and said that it is called "riding a bicycle".
The elder took out his spear and threw it and killed the man in the couple.
The priest was shocked.
GOOD LORD!
Why did you do that? I've spent years teaching you to be civilized and you all were doing so well, why did you kill that man?
The elder simply said:
"Riding my bicycle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ea4dd/a_priest_was_teaching_a_tribe_to_be_civilized/
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If Abraham Lincoln was alive today...

He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ea423/if_abraham_lincoln_was_alive_today/
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What do you get if you cross a soldier and a scientist?

A marine biologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ea3w3/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_soldier_and_a/
%
As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look like shit."

"Last night was crazy." I replied.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriend's flat and having a threesome."
"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.
"No, she was out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ea3vx/as_i_walked_into_work_this_morning_my_colleague/
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A woman get cheated by on by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk.
"I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask:
"Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answer. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk look her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak.
"I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that".
The monk shake his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ea3rk/a_woman_get_cheated_by_on_by_her_husband/
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Telling a racist joke is like getting in a car with an asian driver

If they are not really good, there's a very good chance you'll crash and burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ea2pg/telling_a_racist_joke_is_like_getting_in_a_car/
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A woman goes to get a tattoo

The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey.
Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos
The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ea18y/a_woman_goes_to_get_a_tattoo/
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It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterward.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ea13x/it_seems_like_every_year_i_wind_up_eating/
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Wanna know what's the most racist game ever?

Chess. They never EVER let Black go first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9yhr/wanna_know_whats_the_most_racist_game_ever/
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My friend and I wanted to take the spider out instead of killing it...

Went and got drinks, cool  guy, wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9wjj/my_friend_and_i_wanted_to_take_the_spider_out/
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Woke up to discover my curtains were drawn

The rest of the furniture was real though, weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9wdi/woke_up_to_discover_my_curtains_were_drawn/
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can"t marry her because of my personal family situation but I"ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man"s shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9wd7/an_18_year_old_italian_girl_tells_her_mom_that/
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Kanye West was hospitalized...

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9vq3/kanye_west_was_hospitalized/
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What do you call a German jerk?

Deutschebag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9tx6/what_do_you_call_a_german_jerk/
%
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer had all been sentenced to death

and were on death row waiting to go to the electric chair.
Finally, the day had arrived. The chemist was due to go first.
As he strapped him in, the executioner asked him, “Do you have anything you want to say?”
The chemist replied, “No,” so the executioner flicked the switch but nothing happened. According to this State’s law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released. So the chemist was unstrapped and allowed to walk free.
It was the biologist’s turn next.
As he was being strapped in, the executioner asked him, “Do you have anything you want to say?”
The biologist replied, “No, just get on with it” so the executioner flicked the switch, but once again nothing happened. So, just like the chemist, the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
The executioner asked him, “Do you have anything you want to say?”
The engineer replied, “Yes. If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might just make this thing work.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9o86/a_chemist_a_biologist_and_an_electrical_engineer/
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A woman gives birth to twins

An old fisherman and his wife settle down and decide to have some kids. The wife ends up giving birth to twins, both boys. Eventually as the babies grow the couple notice that the two never face the same way. Wherever one of them looks the other is always facing the opposite direction, no matter what they do. The couple decide to name them Toward and Away.
The kids grow and have a happy childhood despite this strange behavior and when they turn 10 years old their father decides he wants to teach them to learn how to be fishermen like him. He teaches them all the tools of the trade, the right knots to tie, the proper way to care for the equipment, how to steer the boat and catch the wind in the sails, and all the other ins and outs of the trade.
One day the three head out on a fishing trip together. The mother kisses them goodbye, wishes them well, and watches as they sail off. Three week.s go by before the father, and only the father, returns, looking haggard and gaunt.
"What on Earth happened?!" exclaims the wife upon his return. "You were gone for so long that I had almost given up hope. Where are our sons?"
"My dear," says the man, "I'm afraid they are dead. I only barely survived myself."
"What happened to you?" asks the wife.
"Well, the day we set sail we found a great school of fish and were catching many large fish to bring home. Suddenly an enormous fish, bigger than the boat, lept out of the water and capsized us with the wave that came from it. We were flung into the water where we clung to driftwood to stay afloat. As we tried to get back together the fish breached again, swallowing Toward in its great jaws."
"Oh, my, that's terrible!"
"It is, but you should have seen the one that got Away!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9nw4/a_woman_gives_birth_to_twins/
%
If I had a penny for every trump joke,

I'd have enough money to build a wall...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9n23/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_trump_joke/
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A boy, two chickens, one donkey, and a maid

A country boy is travelling through the countryside to look for some livestock to purchase. He walks all day and all night until he finally comes across a farm. He walks up to the door and knocks. An old farmer opens the door and greets him.
“Hello, I would like to buy some livestock, preferably a sturdy ass to plow my fields and some chickens, to produce eggs to sell and eat.”
“Sure thing! I only have a male ass though, no chickens. It’ll cost you 600 gold.”
The boy agrees, and hands over the money. As the farmer hands over the donkey, he gives the boy a reminder.
“Remember, this fine animal is trained to keep walking when scratched. If it stops for no reason, just give’r a good scratch.”
The boy walks on, until he comes to a second farm. This time, a maid opens the door.
“Hello, I would like to buy some livestock, preferably some chickens, to produce eggs to sell and eat.”
The maid looks at him in pity.
“Sorry, but I only work for the owners of this farm. However, I do worry for your safety, travelling all alone with no companion. Allow me to accompany you along this journey.”
The boy agrees, and so the maid follows him in search for his chickens.
As daylight breaks, the boy comes to a third farm. A very fat lady answers.
“Hello, I would like to buy some livestock, preferably some chickens, to produce eggs to sell and eat.”
The lady peers at him, studying him with suspicion.
“Aye, I have exactly one cock* and one pullet*. They should produce enough eggs to last awhile. It’ll cost you 120 gold each.”
The boy agrees, and hands over the money. The boy and the maid walk on, with the donkey and two chickens.
On his way home, suddenly the boy’s donkey stopped walking. He looks at it in confusion, but remembers the old farmer’s wise words. His hands are full, carrying a chicken in each arm, so he turns to the maid:
“Excuse me, ma'am, would you gently hold my cock and pullet, while I scratch my handsome ass?”
*cock (rooster)
*pullet (hen)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9ldy/a_boy_two_chickens_one_donkey_and_a_maid/
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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car

when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9jjx/three_men_a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an/
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A man escapes from a prison

where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9ici/a_man_escapes_from_a_prison/
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Why don't I like trees?

They look kinda shady to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9hwq/why_dont_i_like_trees/
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I opened my water and electric bills simultaneously...

Needless to say, I was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9fnh/i_opened_my_water_and_electric_bills/
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Jesus told John

Come forth and receive eternal life.
But poor John came in fifth and received a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9dtr/jesus_told_john/
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Why can't pirates play any card games?

Because someone's always on the deck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9bpe/why_cant_pirates_play_any_card_games/
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What the difference between a hippo and a zippo

A hippo is heavy, but a zippo is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9amx/what_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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I would say I'm pretty Indecisive...

Well actually maybe not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e99e4/i_would_say_im_pretty_indecisive/
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What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e96ji/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_human_dna_with_goat/
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You've really gotta hand it to short people

Because they usually can't reach it anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e9617/youve_really_gotta_hand_it_to_short_people/
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A man goes to the circus. After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.

-"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.
-"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.
-"Pssh, a lot of people can do that".
-"Oh well", the man says and flies away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e94t2/a_man_goes_to_the_circus_after_the_show_he_speaks/
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[ordering cake on the phone]

"And what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"Do we want a talking cake?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e94ri/ordering_cake_on_the_phone/
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A waiter and a waitress collided at the kitchen door.

Plates went flying everywhere. The waiter & waitress just stared dumbfounded. Shortly after the chef came out and kicked each of them. They both got up, cleaned up the mess, and returned to serving customers.
Again they crashed a short while later. Then again they sat befuddled until the chef gave them each a kick. Again they resumed their duties. This repeated a couple more times.
Finally the manager came to ask the chef what why customers were complaining about long waits. The chef replied: "It's these new servers. They keep crashing & need to be rebooted each time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e93i1/a_waiter_and_a_waitress_collided_at_the_kitchen/
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Why don't blind people go skydiving?

Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e8xo5/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
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How many men does it take to open a beer?

None it should be open when she brings it to you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e8xgv/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_open_a_beer/
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Trump jokes are hilarious...

Until you realize they're not jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e8v6p/trump_jokes_are_hilarious/
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How do you tell the difference between a Pakistani wedding and an ISIS training camp?

I don't know, I just fly the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e8nxb/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a/
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Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e8lrg/husband_and_wife_accidentally_discover_a_genie/
%
What car does Jesus drive?

A Christler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e8kzf/what_car_does_jesus_drive/
%
What's a Brit's favorite baked good?

£ cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e8jio/whats_a_brits_favorite_baked_good/
%
PSA: Don't get a cheap circumcision.

Usually, it's a rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e8gmk/psa_dont_get_a_cheap_circumcision/
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What did the leper say after he was finished with the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e8f6t/what_did_the_leper_say_after_he_was_finished_with/
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Dad joke

Dad: [Grabs chest] Quick! call me an ambulance!
Son: You're... an ambulance.
Dad: I'm-I'm so proud of you, son.
[Dies]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e8be8/dad_joke/
%
Having kids is like getting a stupid tattoo...

It takes most people a couple years to realize how bad they fucked up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e8bcl/having_kids_is_like_getting_a_stupid_tattoo/
%
If I had a penny for every Donald Trump joke,

I would have a small loan of one million dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e8b8j/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_donald_trump_joke/
%
Guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of money.

He asks the bartender, "What's with the jar of money?" "That's from everyone that's tried to make my horse laugh. Put a dollar in the jar and if you get him to laugh the money's yours."
The guy puts a dollar in the jar and the bartender walks him out back. "Here's my horse. You get one chance to make him laugh." The guy walks up and whispers something to the horse. Immediately the horse starts laughing hysterically!
"A deals a deal", says the bartender. They walk back into the bar and he gives the guy the money.
A few weeks go by and the same guy walks into the bar. He sees a new jar of money. "Got the same bet going again?", he asks. "Nope. This jar is everyone that's tried to make my horse cry."
The guy puts in a dollar and they walk out back. "Same as last time. You get one shot." The guy walks up with his back to the bartender and shifts around a little. The horse immediately starts balling his eyes out!
They walk back to the bar and the bartender hands him the jar of money. "I just have to know! How are you doing this?"
The guy looks at him and says, "The first time I told him I had a bigger dick then him and the second time I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e89hj/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_jar_of_money/
%
A pirate walks into a bar

The bartender says "Hey, you have a steering wheel in your pants."
"Aye," the pirate replies. "It's drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e8696/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
50,000 battered women

And i still eat mine plain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e84p4/50000_battered_women/
%
What is Forrest Gump's email password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e83rd/what_is_forrest_gumps_email_password/
%
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e81hx/a_guy_sits_down_in_a_diner_and_asks_for_a_bowl_of/
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There's a bipartisan group petitioning for medical marijuana as an option for arthritis patients.

In other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e80kr/theres_a_bipartisan_group_petitioning_for_medical/
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Why did Neil Armstrong get to set foot on the moon before Buzz Aldrin?

They wrestled over it. Neil had the stronger arm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e80cz/why_did_neil_armstrong_get_to_set_foot_on_the/
%
I'm always trying to make jokes at my work place...

But in a graveyard, everyone is dead serious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7yig/im_always_trying_to_make_jokes_at_my_work_place/
%
I got kicked out of the swimming pool today.

Evidently the breast stroke isn't what I thought it was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7y15/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_swimming_pool_today/
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I really hope that death is a woman.

That way it will never come for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7v6j/i_really_hope_that_death_is_a_woman/
%
Blind prostitutes.

You gotta hand it to 'em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7tpd/blind_prostitutes/
%
There's this guy Doug.

There's this guy Doug and he just moved into this new neighborhood. He asks his neighbor down the street if there's any places he should check out.
"Well dude I know of this one place down on 36th where you can pay $20 to have five guys kick the hell of you. It's painful at first but afterwards your head just feels cleared. Only downfall is you have to wait in line."
Doug thinks, What the hell? and goes along with it. He waits for two hours in line and the guys kick the hell out of him, but afterwards he feels like a new man.
The next day he goes to his neighbor and tells him what happened and asks if there's any similar places in the area.
"Well there's this lesser known place down by 42nd where you can pay $20 to have five guys slap the hell out of you. It's painful at first, but your face feels so much smoother. Only downfall is you have to wait in line."
Doug thinks, What the hell? and goes with it. He waits for 2 hours in line and the guys slap the crap out of him, but afterwards his face felt smooth as silk.
The next day he goes to his neighbor and tells him what happened and asks if there's any other similar places in the area.
"OK, well there's this place by the park where you can pay $20 to have five guys choke you half to death. It hurts at first, but you find yourself breathing so much easier. Only downfall is you have to wait in line."
Doug thinks, What the hell? and goes with it. He waits for 2 hours in line and the guys strangle him close to breaking point, but he's never breathed easier.
Doug goes to his neighbor and says, "Dude, these places you've taken me have been amazing. But seriously. Are there ANY other places you know of like this?"
"Well... Oh yeah, there's ONE. It's this place by the barbershop where you can pay $20 to have five guys punch you in the face You can just walk right in."
"I can just walk right in?"
"Yah man, there's no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7tir/theres_this_guy_doug/
%
I'm almost always naked when ordering food

It really weirds out the drive-thru attendant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7szp/im_almost_always_naked_when_ordering_food/
%
I rushed to the clothes store when I heard all women's pants are half off.

But I saw no women with their pants down. Dumbass liars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7soe/i_rushed_to_the_clothes_store_when_i_heard_all/
%
If you are cold just stand in a corner

They are usually around 90 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7see/if_you_are_cold_just_stand_in_a_corner/
%
What's a pedo's favorite kind of shoe?

White vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7ryb/whats_a_pedos_favorite_kind_of_shoe/
%
Obama looks rough after the last 8 years in office.

Still better than JFK after 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7plj/obama_looks_rough_after_the_last_8_years_in_office/
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Two Deer walk out of a gay bar...

One Deer turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7p0m/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
What did one earthquake say to the other?

It's not my fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7ow9/what_did_one_earthquake_say_to_the_other/
%
Knock Knock

...who's there?
Smell mop
Smell mop who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7kec/knock_knock/
%
Just saw a poor girl crying in the library, devastated about something.

So I pulled up a chair, leaned in and said "You can shut up or go outside, I've got an exam tomorrow".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7k9j/just_saw_a_poor_girl_crying_in_the_library/
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Why should a man never bang his best friend?

He'll probably catch fleas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7jqo/why_should_a_man_never_bang_his_best_friend/
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The fire department gets a call about smoke coming from a barn... [NSFW]

The fire department gets a call about smoke coming from a barn. They break down the barn door, and find a young couple with a sleepy-looking Shetland pony.  With one hand, the woman is holding a huge bong and blowing marijuana smoke in the pony's face. With her other hand, she is vigorously stroking the pony's manhood.
"What in the hell are you doing?" The Fire Chief yells.
The woman gasps and says, "Oh! I can explain... It's my boyfriend's birthday, so I asked if he wanted to do anything special in bed. He said he wanted to try anal. I said I don't do that, I'm a classy gal. And he said, you think you're too good for anal? Why don't you get off your high horse?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7isj/the_fire_department_gets_a_call_about_smoke/
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If I had 50 cents for every math exam I've failed

I'd have $9.30

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7hta/if_i_had_50_cents_for_every_math_exam_ive_failed/
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There were a group of friars....

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e7fyp/there_were_a_group_of_friars/
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A Jewish Rabbi, Hindu Pujari, and Evangelical Christian Pastor all arrive in a small town....

A Jewish Rabbi, Hindu Pujari, and Evangelical Christian Pastor all arrive in a small town holding a regional religious exchange conference.
However, upon arriving at the very last motel on the edge of town at the same time, the manager says, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but I only have one room left, and it only sleeps two. However, I may have a solution for you. The old farmer across the street lets us store old furniture in his barn, and one of you could sleep there for the night, free of charge for a man of the cloth.
The men agree and set about deciding how to arrange the accommodations.
The Indian man says, "Oh, I grew up on a farm and still think of them like a second home. I'll happily stay in the barn."
The other two men settle into their beds, and about twenty minutes later there's a knock at the door; it's the Indian man:
"I'm so sorry, my friends, I did not know there was a cow in the barn. We revere them, you see, and it would be entirely inappropriate for me to sleep among them."
So the Rabbi says, "Well that's ridiculous, but I understand. I grew up in a small village, and am no stranger to the country. I'll stay in the barn."
They all retire, but twenty minutes later there is a knock at the door; it's the Jewish man:
"I'm so sorry, gentlemen, but you didn't tell me there was a pig in the barn. They are unclean animals, and I can't even eat out of a kitchen where pork has been prepared, let alone sleep in the same room as one!"
So the Evangelical, with no option remaining hesitantly volunteers to sleep in the barn himself.
Twenty minutes later there's a knock at the door; *it's the cow and the pig*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e79un/a_jewish_rabbi_hindu_pujari_and_evangelical/
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A MAN'S LOGIC

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.
She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."
The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.
The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e79gf/a_mans_logic/
%
What do you call a singing computer?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e78f2/what_do_you_call_a_singing_computer/
%
My brother and I share the same birthday.

We aren't twins, our parents are just fucking cheap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e785g/my_brother_and_i_share_the_same_birthday/
%
Three drunk guys entered a taxi...

The taxi driver knew they were drunk, so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have finally reached your destination." The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e746x/three_drunk_guys_entered_a_taxi/
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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e72y6/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
%
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.

So, I got drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e701r/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_go_out_and_get_something/
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A male fairy tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said, "NO !!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-breasted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6z0b/a_male_fairy_tale/
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It's crazy they couldn't shut bob marleys coffin when he died

It kept jammin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6ysn/its_crazy_they_couldnt_shut_bob_marleys_coffin/
%
3 men, 40, 50 and 60 talking about their sex lives...

the 40yr old says  " when my wife and I got together we couldn't keep our hands off each other, now it's only on the weekends."
the 50 yr old say " you're lucky! when we got together it was twice a day, now it's only on special occasions."
they look to the 60yr old, who says " you boys are doing it wrong, 'cuz I get it every night!"
" how do you manage that?"
" I told my wife my heart was too weak for sex....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6xvu/3_men_40_50_and_60_talking_about_their_sex_lives/
%
My grandfather once said that we're starting to rely way too much on technology; that it's important we remind ourselves to live without it. I honestly had to agree with him.

So, I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6xl4/my_grandfather_once_said_that_were_starting_to/
%
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to
the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands
On the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a  birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and  replies,
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is,
however, the best  piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6vn2/two_tall_trees_a_birch_and_a_beech_are_growing_in/
%
2 Guys go Camping...

They both fall asleep in a tent. The first guy wakes up in the middle of the night, and wakes the second guy up.
Guy 1: "Hey, look up, what do you see?"
Guy 2: "I see stars"
Guy 1: "Yeah, and what do you think that means?"
Guy 2: "Well, considering how many stars I see, there is a good chance that somewhere out there in the world, there is some other life form for us to discover."
Guy 1: "No you idiot, it means someone stole our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6ufq/2_guys_go_camping/
%
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.
Just kidding he couldn't open it to find out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6tfl/what_did_the_kid_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
%
How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6ry1/how_do_you_make_a_tissue_dance/
%
What's the good word?

Legs.
Spread the word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6rhd/whats_the_good_word/
%
If you're making me choose between you and my love for pointing out doors,

Then there's the door!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6q3m/if_youre_making_me_choose_between_you_and_my_love/
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A Russian finds a Genie.

This Russian finds a Genie walking out of a bar one night, the Genie will only grand one wish.
The Russian being drunk wishes to be able to create the PERFECT Vodka when he urinates.
The next morning when he wakes up he kind of remembers what happen. He dismisses it until he uses the restroom and notices he is indeed “making” vodka.
He decides to taste it, and sure enough it is “Perfect Vodka!!”
He pees into a large glass and has his wife taste it, of course not telling where it came from. She loved it! Even though she asks where it came from, he doesn’t tell her.
Every night he pees into two large glasses and he and his wife drink vodka all night every night.
One night he shows up with a single glass of this perfect vodka, his wife demands to know why he did not bring enough for both of them. She demands to know where her glass is, and why he did not bring here a glass!
He looks at her and says “I did not bring you a glass, because tonight, YOU DRINK STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6pdf/a_russian_finds_a_genie/
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I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson.

I'm not sure which race yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6ot0/im_going_to_compete_in_a_marathon_dressed_as/
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How do you know when a joke has gone too far?

It's elected President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6jvh/how_do_you_know_when_a_joke_has_gone_too_far/
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How do Jewish pedophiles lure in victims?

"Would you like to buy a candy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6jux/how_do_jewish_pedophiles_lure_in_victims/
%
Why can’t a bike stand on its own?

It’s two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6cut/why_cant_a_bike_stand_on_its_own/
%
What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison?

One's a pro, and one's a con.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e6bt8/whats_the_difference_between_a_successful_bank/
%
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e67tk/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway...

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e67jk/a_cop_pulls_a_car_over_for_going_20_mph_on_the/
%
An old man walks into a doctor's office...

..and the receptionist asks him: "What seems to be the problem?"
The man replies: "There's something wrong with my dick."
The receptionist gasps, points to the people in the room and says:
"You can't say stuff like that in here!"
"You asked!" said the old man.
"You should've said 'there's something wrong with my ear' and just tell the doctor what's really wrong, in private!"
"Fine, there's something wrong with my ear."
"Okay," says the receptionist, satisfied. "And what's wrong with your ear?"
"I can't seem to piss out of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e65ss/an_old_man_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
%
My girlfriend was crying after she had a miscarriage...

I said, "don't worry hunny, at least it was still born..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e65f7/my_girlfriend_was_crying_after_she_had_a/
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I'll have a foot long Italian with turkey and cheddar cheese.

Whoops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5y65/ill_have_a_foot_long_italian_with_turkey_and/
%
I don't know why everyone is making such a big deal about Black Friday...

Personally, I think all Fridays should matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5vn5/i_dont_know_why_everyone_is_making_such_a_big/
%
I forgot a bag of groceries in my taxi.

It's been driving me bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5v4v/i_forgot_a_bag_of_groceries_in_my_taxi/
%
Dark jokes are like food

Not everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5v02/dark_jokes_are_like_food/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The bar explodes because a finite space cannot hold an infinite amount of matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5sdi/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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Did you hear the one about the roofer with a perfect safety record?

He never had a shingle accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5r7d/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_roofer_with_a/
%
I never thought I'd be drowning in a river.

I think I was in the Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5o8d/i_never_thought_id_be_drowning_in_a_river/
%
What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5o81/what_rock_group_has_four_men_that_dont_sing/
%
Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5o2k/have_you_ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
%
Spent all night being teased by Medusa.

Now I'm hard as a rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5msb/spent_all_night_being_teased_by_medusa/
%
Why are they called hemorrhoids?

Because asteroids was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5m8u/why_are_they_called_hemorrhoids/
%
What do Alicia Keys, Katniss Everdeen, and Joan of Arc all have in common?

They're all girls on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5m7w/what_do_alicia_keys_katniss_everdeen_and_joan_of/
%
Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place"

Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5lgl/donald_trump_on_twitter_the_theater_has_always/
%
Some people think the Arctic and the Antarctic are the same...

...but in reality, they are polar opposites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5kl3/some_people_think_the_arctic_and_the_antarctic/
%
A couple was traveling across Europe but had to stop abruptly at Finland's borders. Why?

Because it was the Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5g7v/a_couple_was_traveling_across_europe_but_had_to/
%
Why do we drink apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5fqe/why_do_we_drink_apple_juice/
%
[NSFW] I am no gynecologist....

But I know a cunt when I see one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5fnv/nsfw_i_am_no_gynecologist/
%
2 Mexicans got into a fight

It was a Juan on Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5ebd/2_mexicans_got_into_a_fight/
%
I got kicked out of a brothel for breaking the "no pets" rule...

I was just trying to get more bang for my buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5c86/i_got_kicked_out_of_a_brothel_for_breaking_the_no/
%
A mugger pulls a knife and shouts "Your money or your life!"

The victim just shurgs, keeps walking and calls over his shoulder "I'm a postdoc, I don't have either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5b72/a_mugger_pulls_a_knife_and_shouts_your_money_or/
%
Today a Gender Studies student asked me how our society viewed lesbians

Apparently, in HD wasn't the correct answer.
Time to update my display to 4K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e5aft/today_a_gender_studies_student_asked_me_how_our/
%
Guy married his car antenna

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e59uy/guy_married_his_car_antenna/
%
I don't understand why people make jokes out of 9/11

Those jokes are just plane wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e56ww/i_dont_understand_why_people_make_jokes_out_of_911/
%
LPT: If you feel cold, stand in a corner

They're usually around 90 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e56kc/lpt_if_you_feel_cold_stand_in_a_corner/
%
How did pirates communicate before the internet?

Pier to Pier Networking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e54ro/how_did_pirates_communicate_before_the_internet/
%
I'd tell a joke about Jonestown,

But the punch line is too long...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e52zv/id_tell_a_joke_about_jonestown/
%
Hey baby are you a Communist?

Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e52u1/hey_baby_are_you_a_communist/
%
You've been warned

TO WHOEVER STOLE MY BROKEN BATHROOM SCALE.
YOU WON'T GET A WEIGH WITH THIS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e52g2/youve_been_warned/
%
What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...
A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e51tl/what_is_the_difference_between_a_beautiful_dress/
%
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's 7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e51da/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_to/
%
What's the difference??

What's the difference between Cinderella and Princess Diana?
At midnight Cinderella's car didn't turn into a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e51b5/whats_the_difference/
%
I borrowed money from a pessimist because

he doesn't expect me to pay him back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e50px/i_borrowed_money_from_a_pessimist_because/
%
I was talking to a mathematician the other day about fractions

it was fair to say, our opinions were divided

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e50fo/i_was_talking_to_a_mathematician_the_other_day/
%
A recently fired stock trader said:

"This is worse than a divorce, I have lost everything and I still have my wife!" 😩

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e4y93/a_recently_fired_stock_trader_said/
%
Blondes..

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.
She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e4y2i/blondes/
%
I made three snow angels the other day.

I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e4uzr/i_made_three_snow_angels_the_other_day/
%
Confucius Says

Baseball is wrong. Man with 4 balls cannot walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e4kq8/confucius_says/
%
How do you tell the difference between a scientist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e4kdn/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a/
%
Gagging during a blowjob is a really romantic sound.

If you think about it, someone is actually choosing your dick over the oxygen they need to survive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e4kcm/gagging_during_a_blowjob_is_a_really_romantic/
%
Joke title

Punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e4h3q/joke_title/
%
What doesn't float to the top when it dies?

A day old reddit post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e4b5y/what_doesnt_float_to_the_top_when_it_dies/
%
I made a list of my favorite asses...

It's a big ass list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e49n8/i_made_a_list_of_my_favorite_asses/
%
A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator...

And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.
The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."
The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e48vo/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_on_an_elevator/
%
How does a black women know if she's pregnant?

All the cotton on her tampon has been picked off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e47np/how_does_a_black_women_know_if_shes_pregnant/
%
Two fish are in a tank.

One turns to the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e46vp/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e434l/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet

. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e42px/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
%
My wife thinks our sex life is boring and I get distracted easily..........

Well I Better get back to it....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e420l/my_wife_thinks_our_sex_life_is_boring_and_i_get/
%
What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Damn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e40ta/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_hit_the_wall/
%
Why do you never play hide & seek with mountains?

Mountains peak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3zr7/why_do_you_never_play_hide_seek_with_mountains/
%
A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"
The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3ye4/a_mugger_holds_a_man_at_gunpoint_and_says_give_me/
%
My wife is my biggest motivator

Every time I feel like it's all too much to bear, all she has to say is:
"Why don't you just make two trips?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3wlx/my_wife_is_my_biggest_motivator/
%
People always tell me I'm funny

and I always have to remind them I'm Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3vts/people_always_tell_me_im_funny/
%
How do you find a blind guy at a nude beach?

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3vae/how_do_you_find_a_blind_guy_at_a_nude_beach/
%
There was a documentary on TV about the world's smallest car.

I couldn't get into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3u5m/there_was_a_documentary_on_tv_about_the_worlds/
%
In South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by fire...

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
A black Islamic group of seven welfare cheaters, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six Los Angeles gangbanger ex-cons lived on the third floor and they died as well.
One white couple lived on the top floor.
The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris, and Al Sharpton were furious.
They flew to Los Angeles and met with the fire chief on television.
They loudly demanded to know why the Nigerians, Muslims, and gangbangers all died in the fire, and only the white couple survived.
The fire chief said, "Please don't get upset. The reason those fellow citizens survived was because they were at work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3u2n/in_south_los_angeles_a_fourplex_was_destroyed_by/
%
So, i wanted to know what my weight was.

'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said.
But how am i supposed to see the numbers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3s5g/so_i_wanted_to_know_what_my_weight_was/
%
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...

I would have one dollar... thanks mom...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3pq7/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_a_woman_called_me/
%
Protein shakes are really expensive....

Whey expensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3pl1/protein_shakes_are_really_expensive/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, feminists can't change anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3msm/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What did the Indian child say to his mother before he left for school?

Mumbai!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3m9e/what_did_the_indian_child_say_to_his_mother/
%
The Heisenberg joke

Heisenberg was driving his car. Until he was stopped by the police.
Police office: do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but i know my position.
TIP:
(/s "The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (simply) is that you dont know the  position, if you know the momentum. Therefor you can know the position, you cant know the momentum and versa versa ")

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3m2q/the_heisenberg_joke/
%
Two zebras are standing in a field.

Zebra 1 asks "Hey, do you think I'm white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"
Zebra 2 responds "I don't know, why don't you go ask god?"
So, zebra 1 goes to god and asks him if he's white with black stripes or black with white stripes, to which god responds,
"You are what you are."
Later, zebra 1 returns to the field and zebra 2 asks, "So, what are you?"
Zebra 1 says, "I'm white with black stripes."
Zebra 2, looking confused, asks, "How do you know?"
Finally, zebra 1 says, "Because if I was black with white stripes, god would have said, "You is what you is.""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3ikj/two_zebras_are_standing_in_a_field/
%
A family walks into a hotel... NSFW

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
^^Sorry. ^^Copied ^^joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e3ea3/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel_nsfw/
%
Why do you get aroused when you look in the mirror?

Because your dick thinks you're a pussy too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e37yl/why_do_you_get_aroused_when_you_look_in_the_mirror/
%
A pizza delivery guy knocks on the door

Two men answer the door and invite him inside. They ask him if he wants to have a threesome. He replies, "just the tip please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e37qs/a_pizza_delivery_guy_knocks_on_the_door/
%
A pregnant woman got in a car accident and went into a coma.

While in the coma, she gave birth to twins.
4 months later, she woke up asking where her kids were.
The nurse informed her she had given birth to twins, a boy and a girl, and her brother has been taking care of them.
The woman said " Oh no, not my idiot brother, What did he name my daughter?"
" Denise " the nurse said.
" Oh, that's not bad. What about the boy? "
The nurse replied " Da-nephew".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e343q/a_pregnant_woman_got_in_a_car_accident_and_went/
%
Why are Leprechauns always laughing?

Because the grass tickles their balls when they run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e30r2/why_are_leprechauns_always_laughing/
%
Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2y37/our_president_elect_is_a_real_tough_guy/
%
Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?" Candidate: "Honesty."

Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Candidate: "I don't give a fuck what you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2x2o/interviewer_whats_your_greatest_weakness/
%
If Dwane Johnson were to actually run for President...

He could only lose to paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2vmb/if_dwane_johnson_were_to_actually_run_for/
%
Police jokes are not funny

So give it arrest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2uq7/police_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2uom/farmer_joes_bull_breaks_down_the_barbed_wire/
%
I sometimes dream of a rivers of orange soda

But it's just a fanta-sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2sou/i_sometimes_dream_of_a_rivers_of_orange_soda/
%
Money talks

But all mine ever says is good-bye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2rub/money_talks/
%
A scientist and a hooker walk into a bar...

But find that they can't open the door due to an over-saturation of priests, rabbis, lawyers, and Irishmen inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2r8y/a_scientist_and_a_hooker_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?

He touched the beaker before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2r58/why_did_the_hipster_chemist_get_burnt/
%
A handsome and well dressed old man walks into a bar...

... approaches a good looking elderly lady, and says:
"Do I come here often?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2qvw/a_handsome_and_well_dressed_old_man_walks_into_a/
%
I walked into a bookstore and asked if they have any books on gloryholes.

She said ya, over there in the mystery romance section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2opz/i_walked_into_a_bookstore_and_asked_if_they_have/
%
Why don't the Chinese have casinos?

Because they don't like Tibet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2m2a/why_dont_the_chinese_have_casinos/
%
Why is Natural Light Bear Grylls favorite beer?

Cause it tastes like piss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2kmt/why_is_natural_light_bear_grylls_favorite_beer/
%
You've really gotta hand it to short people

because they usually can't reach it anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2fvs/youve_really_gotta_hand_it_to_short_people/
%
Two Doors

A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them...
1.Bride relatives
2.groom relatives
He entered the groom door and found two doors again.
1. Ladies
2. Men
He entered men door and found two doors again.
1.People with gifts
2.People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts )... He found himself outside the hotel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2cge/two_doors/
%
I asked a new zealander how many sexual partners he has had.

He fell asleep counting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2c9w/i_asked_a_new_zealander_how_many_sexual_partners/
%
A gun is like my penis....

On cold lonely nights sometimes I stick the end of it in my mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2bvn/a_gun_is_like_my_penis/
%
Dr. Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition...

It seems he wildly misunderstood the rules.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e29fr/dr_frankenstein_enters_a_bodybuilding_competition/
%
I always give away all my dead batteries ...

... free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e28qh/i_always_give_away_all_my_dead_batteries/
%
College is really tough and I'm failing nearly everything.

So far the only test I've gotten a positive score on  is the HIV one. I figured the professor who gave me the D would at least give me an A not a D+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e27ui/college_is_really_tough_and_im_failing_nearly/
%
What is the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

You stop milking a cow after 10 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e25cw/what_is_the_difference_between_911_and_a_cow/
%
What?

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, “Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but knows he must. Hes dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Saul, take a card.” What? The dealer has — “Take a card!” He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Saul, take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. Its another ace. He has twenty. “Saul, take another card,” the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: “un-fucking-believable!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e2491/what/
%
People always say don't go to the grocery store when you're hungry.

But I haven't eaten for a week and I'm getting really, really hungry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e22ki/people_always_say_dont_go_to_the_grocery_store/
%
What Did One Eye Say To Another Eye?

Don't Look Now But Something Between Us Smells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e20n5/what_did_one_eye_say_to_another_eye/
%
My daughter is at that age where she has started asking awkward questions about sex...

Like, "Is that all you fucking got?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1zfv/my_daughter_is_at_that_age_where_she_has_started/
%
TIFU by messing up my wife's Subway order.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1y1u/tifu_by_messing_up_my_wifes_subway_order/
%
A guy buys a scratch ticket and wins 1,000,000 dollars...

Not wanting his wife or anyone to get it, he buries all of it, in cash, in his backyard.
The next morning he walks outside to see a gaping hole where he had buried it, and shoe prints leading to his deaf neighbor's house.
He storms over to the house with a gun in his hand and kicks the door down.
The neighbor and his wife are sitting on the couch.
"Where's my fucking money?! I'll kill you if you don't tell me!"
He points the gun at the neighbor, and demands that his wife translate into sign language.
She signs to him what was said, and he signs back, "Tell him I buried it by that big cherry tree down the street."
His wife looks at the gun-toting neighbor, and says,
"He said, 'Fuck you, I'd rather die'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1xpq/a_guy_buys_a_scratch_ticket_and_wins_1000000/
%
Me and my wife decided to form a suicide pact...

Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1wl2/me_and_my_wife_decided_to_form_a_suicide_pact/
%
What do a call a blonde that dyes her hair brown?

Artificial Intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1rzy/what_do_a_call_a_blonde_that_dyes_her_hair_brown/
%
A scientist is in his lab...

So one day a scientist is in his lab, and he's stressed out. How will he get his next grant so he can do an experiment and feed his family for a while longer? He decides to take a small nap...
Then it hit him. After several all-nighters he came up with a prototype for **The World's First Truly Frictionless Object!**
Skip over to the next day, when he is to present his case to the local university in hopes to acquire a grant. He goes with his paperwork, the prototype, and a huge smile on his face.
Unfortunately for him, the panel rejected his proposal because they couldn't grasp the concept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1qs1/a_scientist_is_in_his_lab/
%
What do you call a sort-of cool vegetable?

A Radish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1qe2/what_do_you_call_a_sortof_cool_vegetable/
%
How Long is a Chinese Mans name.

Yes, yes it is. Old joke my grandpa like to tell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1pxh/how_long_is_a_chinese_mans_name/
%
A couple were walking in St Petersburg...

when they felt a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," said the man.
"No, I definitely think it's snowing," said the woman.
After arguing for about 20 minutes, the man says, "why don't we ask this Communist officer over here? He is always right!"
So they go up to the officer and say, "Officer Rudolph, what would you say the weather is right now? Raining or snowing?" to which Officer Rudolph replies, "It is definitely raining."
The man turns to his wife with a smile and says, "see, I told you, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1pql/a_couple_were_walking_in_st_petersburg/
%
A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again...

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1oo0/a_lonely_70yearold_widow_decided_that_it_was_time/
%
So, I just tried a new drinking game.

I put in the Bee Movie, and every time they make a bee pun, I take a shot.
Unfortunately, I could only get buzzed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1obb/so_i_just_tried_a_new_drinking_game/
%
One time I didn’t masturbate for 11 years…

...Then I turned 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1nrg/one_time_i_didnt_masturbate_for_11_years/
%
A white supremacist, racist, and antisemite walk into a bar

Oh wait, that's the White House

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1mn1/a_white_supremacist_racist_and_antisemite_walk/
%
A nurse runs up to a doctor

"Doctor, Doctor!" she exclaims. "This patient's blood sugar is crashing!"
"This calls for a cool refreshing beverage!" says the doctor.
The nurse says, "Dr. Pepper! not now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1kzg/a_nurse_runs_up_to_a_doctor/
%
"Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous"

"I see a lot of new faces in here this week and i just have to say I'm really disappointed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1k5r/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_addicts_anonymous/
%
My gf was complaining about how difficult anal was...

I told her "It's only as hard as you make it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1ir3/my_gf_was_complaining_about_how_difficult_anal_was/
%
sweaty palms make for good handjobs

and that's the quickest way to turn an interview in your favor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1id7/sweaty_palms_make_for_good_handjobs/
%
The deserted island

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, two men and a woman of the following nationalities are stranded:
Italian,
French,
German,
Greek,
Chinese,
English,
Polish,
Japanese,
Australian,
Irish, and
American
One month later, the following things have occurred....
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Chinese men have opened up a laundromat and are taking turns trying to impregnate the Chinese woman to supply workers and customers.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both “bloody wankers” and is checking out all the other men.
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
The two American men have committed suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1gx4/the_deserted_island/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

A lot. Many Hans make light work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1f7t/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
I don't care if you're black, white, straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich or poor...

I still hate you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1eul/i_dont_care_if_youre_black_white_straight/
%
What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1e5j/whats_black_and_screams/
%
What's the difference between a C4 and a feminist?

The C4 does something when it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1dxz/whats_the_difference_between_a_c4_and_a_feminist/
%
Thanksgiving with her parents

A boy is invited to Thanksgiving dinner at his girlfriend's parent's house so that they can meet him. They have been together a while but haven't had sex yet. She tells him that after he meets her parents they can "get intimate". So he decides to get some condoms at the local pharmacy.
He doesn't know anything about condoms so he asks the pharmacist what he should buy. The pharmacist tells him all about the differences between the brands and after a long chat the boy decides on a large box of "ribbed for her pleasure".
The time comes and they are seated at the dinner table. The boy has his head bowed down apparently deep in prayer. His girlfriend finally whispers to him "I didn't know you were so religious..."
He replies "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1dvd/thanksgiving_with_her_parents/
%
I did something terrible today

Now I have to wait a year before I can post it to /r/tifu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1d95/i_did_something_terrible_today/
%
Doc, I swallowed a chicken bone.

"Are you choking?"
"No I'm serious!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1d7i/doc_i_swallowed_a_chicken_bone/
%
A man is walking down the street...

When he notices a line of people twisting down the sidewalk. Looking to the front of the line, he sees a very fit man throwing his fists at the people lined up, one by one. With each punch, the person falls in pain as another steps up to be hit. Curious, the man heads to the line and asks:
"What's this queue for?"
A woman in line responds;
"It's the punch line"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1bzg/a_man_is_walking_down_the_street/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e1af9/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
Little Johnny's penis starts to itch while his mom registers him for summer camp...

...so he scratches the itch. The counselor and his mother both see this, and his mom chastises him.
"It's not appropriate to do that to yourself in public or private, honey. I don't wanna see you ever scratching yourself in public again."
"Okay mom." Johnny says.
Later, Little Johnny's butt starts to itch, so he scratches it.
His mom gives him a spank on the rear end, saying that that's worse than what she previously got on his case about.
"I don't EVER want to see you scratching your bottom again, in public or private, understand?"
"Yes mom." Johnny says.
Then Little Johnny's nipple starts to itch. He lifts up his shirt and scratches it.
His mom is fed up, excuses herself from the counselor, and takes Johnny in the bathroom to spank him full on. She berates him all the while, saying "I DO NOT WANT YOU SCRATCHING YOURSELF AT ALL IN PUBLIC OR PRIVATE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!?!"
"Ye-yes m-mom!" Johnny says, as he cries.
One week later, Johnny comes home from camp. His mom asks how it went, and Johnny says
"I did like you told me, and even though I was itching in all my private places, I didn't scratch myself once."
His mom, somewhat confused, asks how he alleviated the itches.
"The counselor scratched them for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e19nu/little_johnnys_penis_starts_to_itch_while_his_mom/
%
Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America...

Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog shit, 20 feet back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e18r2/two_men_are_approaching_each_other_on_a_pavement/
%
Just because someone found out how to connect a keyboard and a portable radio together doesn't make them a nerd

That would be stereotyping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e14y4/just_because_someone_found_out_how_to_connect_a/
%
I just had some mediocre chinese food ...

it was Tso Tso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e11gq/i_just_had_some_mediocre_chinese_food/
%
You know how they say "if you snooze you lose"...

I snooze every morning and have never lost any sleep over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e11es/you_know_how_they_say_if_you_snooze_you_lose/
%
What did King Midas say to the centaur?

Stay gold, Ponyboy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e10hk/what_did_king_midas_say_to_the_centaur/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e0yjo/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e0xyv/why_does_snoop_dogg_carry_an_umbrella/
%
Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough

She keeps asking what I’m doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e0wv3/making_the_arrangements_for_my_wifes_funeral_is/
%
Billy and Tommy are in a classroom

Billy gets up to go ask the teacher a question, when he runs into Tommy along the way.
Billy: What are you going up to ask?
Tommy: I wanted to know what the word coincidence means.
Billy: Wow that's funny, I was just about to go ask the same question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e0w0m/billy_and_tommy_are_in_a_classroom/
%
What kind of tea isn't fake?

A property

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e0u4m/what_kind_of_tea_isnt_fake/
%
LPT: Don't trust everything you read on Facebook

Unless it's the pope endorsing Trump. That definitely happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e0ttd/lpt_dont_trust_everything_you_read_on_facebook/
%
How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2:  One to screw in the bulb, and one to hold the penis... LADDER, I MEAN LADDER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e0ne7/how_many_freudian_psychologists_does_it_take_to/
%
If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.

It's a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e0jnx/if_you_see_a_toilet_in_your_dream_do_not_use_it/
%
How many "suh dudes" does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It's already lit fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e0i92/how_many_suh_dudes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Why did the toilet paper stop crossing the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e0gq7/why_did_the_toilet_paper_stop_crossing_the_road/
%
Yoda and Luke Skywalker are together in a ship when Luke asks...

Luke: are we on track?
Yoda: off course, we are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e09ge/yoda_and_luke_skywalker_are_together_in_a_ship/
%
Elevator jokes are pretty funny

They work on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e090x/elevator_jokes_are_pretty_funny/
%
The people of Pompeii...

Mannequin challenge champions since 79AD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e07hw/the_people_of_pompeii/
%
A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine

He was soda pressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e065r/a_really_sad_man_committed_suicide_by_crushing/
%
Where do geneticists store vegetables?

In the CRISPR drawer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e05vj/where_do_geneticists_store_vegetables/
%
So a sexist man is having sex with another mans wife...

The husband comes home from work and sees this man drilling his wife on the kitchen counter.
The man says, "Oh hey Paul, I'm just loading the dishwasher!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e02fp/so_a_sexist_man_is_having_sex_with_another_mans/
%
What do you call the rapid growth of Indian cities?

Turbanisation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5e02dh/what_do_you_call_the_rapid_growth_of_indian_cities/
%
"What does gay mean?"

A son is on the computer and he comes across the word gay. He asks his dad, "What does gay mean?"
"It means happy."
"So dad, are you gay?" the son asks.
Dad replies, "No son, I have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzyju/what_does_gay_mean/
%
What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzxez/whats_the_hardest_part_when_your_ex_tells_you_she/
%
Anal sex is a lot like broccoli.

If you don't like it at home, you're really gonna hate it in the school cafeteria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzwnv/anal_sex_is_a_lot_like_broccoli/
%
A lethargic eunuch checks himself into the hospital.

"Doctor, I've lost all my energy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctors run a series of tests, but they can't find anything wrong with the eunuch.
"I'm sorry, but we don't know what's causing your fatigue. We've tested for anemia, depression, sleeping disorders, and we've turned up nothing."
A physicist who is in the next bed over from the eunuch says, "I know why this man has no energy."
The doctor tells the eunuch, "Don't listen to him. He's just a physicist and doesn't know anything about medicine."
"If you can't figure out what's wrong with me, then I'd like to hear what he has to say," replies the eunuch.
"Isn't it obvious?" the physicist says. "This man has no energy because someone's taken away his Joules!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzu0k/a_lethargic_eunuch_checks_himself_into_the/
%
Yo momma is so fat

Her toenails aren't painted, just redshifted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzr4c/yo_momma_is_so_fat/
%
What's the best part about living in Switzerland?

Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzosq/whats_the_best_part_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
I asked my chemistry teacher if we can revise oxides

Because im a bit rusty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzof0/i_asked_my_chemistry_teacher_if_we_can_revise/
%
After this week, Donald Trump is so angry at the theater that ...

he's going to build a 4th Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dznjq/after_this_week_donald_trump_is_so_angry_at_the/
%
"Doctor doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me!"

"Next please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzmue/doctor_doctor_everyone_keeps_ignoring_me/
%
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books

but he's only got his shelf to blame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzmfq/my_friend_recently_got_crushed_by_a_pile_of_books/
%
I went to go smoke a joint with some Mexicans.

When I asked if they had any papers they all ran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzinn/i_went_to_go_smoke_a_joint_with_some_mexicans/
%
I used to always do No Shave November

At least until I started growing facial hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzhgh/i_used_to_always_do_no_shave_november/
%
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzge3/what_kind_of_shoes_do_ninjas_wear/
%
What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A do-you-think-he-saurus?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzfh7/what_do_you_call_a_blind_dinosaur/
%
How can you tell a mechanic got laid?

He has one clean finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzepx/how_can_you_tell_a_mechanic_got_laid/
%
A guy got an interview for a moderator position on /r/jokes..

Head mod: Your resume seems to be copy & pasted from someone else's..
Guy: Is this a problem?
Head mod: Not all all! You're actually the perfect person suited for this sub, you've got the job!
True story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dze6n/a_guy_got_an_interview_for_a_moderator_position/
%
A mother was helping her son study for a test

She asked him, "What is the capital of Germany?"
He replied, "Berlin."
She then asked, "What is the capital of France?"
He replied, "Berlin."
She asked, "What is the capital of Russia?"
He replied, "Berlin."
She then hugged him and said, "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dzajt/a_mother_was_helping_her_son_study_for_a_test/
%
Bill and the Walmart Diagnostics Machine

During their lunch break, Bill remarked to his coworker, Steve, that his elbow hurt. "Guess I'll have to see a doctor," Bill said.
"Don't waste your time and money," Steve replied. "Walmart has a diagnostics machine... Just pee in a cup and insert $2 dollars, and it'll tell you everything that's wrong with you."
Bill didn't believe Steve but, on his way home from work, he stopped by Walmart to give the diagnostics machine a try anyway. He pissed in a cup, dumped it into the machine, and inserted $2. The lights on the machine flashed and then printed out the following:
"You have tennis elbow. Avoid strain and soak in warm water for 15 minutes twice a day."
Bill was amazed. As he drove home, he wondered if the machine could be fooled. So, after dinner, he collected urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a stool sample from his dog. He put everything in a mason jar, including some semen.
At Walmart, he poured in the contents of the mason jar, inserted $2, and excitedly read the piece of paper the machine printed. It read:
"1. Your dog has ringworm. Medicated shampoo on aisle 16. Wash him 3 times a week.
2. Your daughter has a drug problem. Get her into rehab ASAP.
3. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They're not your's. Call a lawyer tomorrow morning.
4. Your tennis elbow is never going to get better if you keep jerking off, jackass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dz9cg/bill_and_the_walmart_diagnostics_machine/
%
Q: How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?

A: Pretty hot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dz90d/q_how_did_the_redneck_find_his_sister_in_the_woods/
%
A bear is taking a shit in the woods...

...when a rabbit hopped by.
"Hey Mr. Rabbit do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" Shouted the bear
"Absolutely not" snorted the rabbit.
"Sweet" says the bear as he picks him up and wipes his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dz78a/a_bear_is_taking_a_shit_in_the_woods/
%
Why Trump is the most religious president in United States history?

He got ​Every Juan praying!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dz6ku/why_trump_is_the_most_religious_president_in/
%
I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dz60h/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_gave_me_2_months_to/
%
Some people are just meant for each other. A sadist married a masochist. The masochist would say, "Beat me!"...

The sadist would say, "...no"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dz5xz/some_people_are_just_meant_for_each_other_a/
%
How come Peter Pan keeps on flying?

Because he Neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dz5cn/how_come_peter_pan_keeps_on_flying/
%
I was climbing the ladder to success

Then a guy poked his head out of a window and said "Hi, I'm Cess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dz58k/i_was_climbing_the_ladder_to_success/
%
What rock group have four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dz22m/what_rock_group_have_four_men_that_dont_sing/
%
Trump is a great guy.

He's giving two million illegal immigrants free trips to Mexico.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dz0zm/trump_is_a_great_guy/
%
Why did the acid perform poorly?

Because it didn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dz0t8/why_did_the_acid_perform_poorly/
%
This guy went for an interview with Buzzfeed

What happened next will shock you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dyyxi/this_guy_went_for_an_interview_with_buzzfeed/
%
After being invited for a night out with "the boys"...

After being invited for a night out with "the boys", a man promised his wife he would be home by midnight.
Having not seen his friends in a while, the man lets time get away from him and gets wasted, stumbling out of his taxi 3 hours late.
As he tries to sneak into the bedroom, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed 3 times. Realizing that his wife would probably wake up, he had a great idea and cuckooed another 9 times so his wife would think it's still 12 o'clock. He then snuck into bed and fell asleep. Next morning his wife asked him what time he got in. "12 o'clock exactly" he replied. His wife thanked him for being back on time.
Then she said "By the way, we need a new cuckoo clock." When he asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'Shit', cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dyxx7/after_being_invited_for_a_night_out_with_the_boys/
%
If Donald Trump was a communist,

instead of saying "Grab her by the pussy" he would have said "Seize the means of reproduction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dyuoq/if_donald_trump_was_a_communist/
%
I HATE being stuck in a vacuum chamber

Makes my blood boil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dymrq/i_hate_being_stuck_in_a_vacuum_chamber/
%
Fart Cure

A lady walks into a doctors office. She says, " Sir I have a serious problem. I dont know when it started, but I lost control of my farts. Fortunately it doesnt sound or smell at all, but I fart all the time. You must have not noticed, but I already farted about 5 times since I walked into your office.
Doctor, silently listening, finally stood up and gave her few pills.
"One of these every day should fix you up in a week."
A week passed, and the lady returned.
She says angrily," I thought the pill was supposed to cure me, but it just made it smell horribly!"
The doctor, surprisingly happy with the result, says, "All right, lets move onto your ears then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dylp0/fart_cure/
%
So a guy walks into a bar where Eminem is the bartender

Guy: Two shots please
Eminem: You only get one shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dyilh/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_where_eminem_is_the/
%
I was talking to my friend about the holocaust when he said...

*"The holocaust wasn't that bad."*
"Of course it was!"
*"I'm going to go out and kill a million Jews and one clown."*
"Why the clown?"
*"See, no one cares about the Jews."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dyevz/i_was_talking_to_my_friend_about_the_holocaust/
%
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dycsw/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
%
How to get a job...

Interviewer: "What's your biggest weakness?"
Interviewee: "I never learn from my mistakes"
Interviewer: "Oh, why's that?"
Interviewee: "I never make any"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dyas9/how_to_get_a_job/
%
I asked my cellmate how long he's in for.

He said, "Until I ejaculate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dya1m/i_asked_my_cellmate_how_long_hes_in_for/
%
The only thing worse than a woman who's completely lifeless in bed..

.. Is getting caught with the body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dy37k/the_only_thing_worse_than_a_woman_whos_completely/
%
You'd think atoms bonds would mean they were being friendly to each other...

But, they end up stealing each other's electrons.
Isn't that ionic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dy2ve/youd_think_atoms_bonds_would_mean_they_were_being/
%
I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am.

"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dy2da/im_black_so_i_cant_be_racist_but_these_suckers/
%
I was playing Monopoly with a couple of friends and picked the hat piece, winked, and said...

M'nopoly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dy22y/i_was_playing_monopoly_with_a_couple_of_friends/
%
What do you call your female friend with tiny breasts?

Your flatmate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dy1uu/what_do_you_call_your_female_friend_with_tiny/
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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dy1io/my_friend_thinks_he_is_smart_he_told_me_an_onion/
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What did the Cannibal get when he was late to dinner?

They gave him the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dy018/what_did_the_cannibal_get_when_he_was_late_to/
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How are the Twin Towers and Gender Similar?

There used to be two, now it's offensive to talk about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxzj1/how_are_the_twin_towers_and_gender_similar/
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A policeman pulls over a driver and starts writing out a ticket

The driver says to the policeman 'I didn't realise the  local policeman department were selling tickets to their annual ball'
The policeman responds 'What are you talking about, we don't have any balls'
The driver replies 'yeah didn't think so'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxx3m/a_policeman_pulls_over_a_driver_and_starts/
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Confusion at McDonalds

When I got ready to pay for my breakfast, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me". I did just that. When the shrieking had died down, I found out she was referring to my debit card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxw3f/confusion_at_mcdonalds/
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A man walks into a monastery...

Nope! A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you asked! There are 145,256,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,929,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door, he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxuzq/a_man_walks_into_a_monastery/
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What did the plant say to the vegan?

Leaf me alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxskj/what_did_the_plant_say_to_the_vegan/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

First one says give me half a pint. Second one says a quarter, third says an eighth. The bartender puts down one pint and says, you people need to know your limits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxs9y/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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A man found a mole on his arm one day.

He'd never seen it before, but he wasn't the most attentive person, so he let it alone. A week passed. Eventually, that mole began to grow, and seemed to bleed into the skin around it. The man asked his wife about it, and she said he should probably get it checked out, but he ignored the advice, assuming it was just a cyst. Another week passes, and it starts to hurt every time he flexed his elbow. Finally, he decided to get it checked out.
The doctor shook his head empathetically as he told them the bad news. It was malignant melinoma - skin cancer.
In less than a month, the man had been reduced to a shell of his former self. His teenage son was hit hard by the news and his grades had begun to slip. They hadn't caught it in time, and it was fatal.
Eventually, as his strength began to fade, he called his family to his bedside.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't listen to you, honey. I thought I would know whether it was cancer."
He beckoned for his son to lean in, which he did, tearfully.
"I guess I don't have a good sense of tumour."
**DAD TO THE END**
(edit: typo. dad-school doesn't teach grammar)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxqcl/a_man_found_a_mole_on_his_arm_one_day/
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A Mexican, an Italian and a blonde American construction worker.

A Mexican, an Italian and a blonde American construction worker are all sitting to have lunch on the 20th floor of a building they are working on. The Mexican opens his lunch and sees he has tacos. He looks at the other and says "tacos again, I am so sick of tacos, if I have tacos in my lunch again tomorrow I am going to jump." The Italian opens his lunch  and sees he has pasta he says ""pasta again, I am so sick of pasta, if I have pasta in my lunch again tomorrow I am going to jump." The American opens his lunch and sees he has a ham sandwich. He looks at it and states" a ham sandwich again. If I have a ham sandwich tomorrow, I'm gonna jump."
The next day they all sit down to eat, the Mexican opens his lunch, and sure enough it's tacos, so he throws his lunch then jumps from the building. The Italian opens his lunch and see he has pasta and of course, he jumps. The American opens his lunch and sees a ham sandwich, so he jumps.
The wives decide to have a 3 person funeral, at the funeral you hear the Mexicans wife screaming, "why did he just not tell me he didn't want tacos, why...why...
The Italians wife is a mess screaming about never making pasta again, that if he had told her, she never would have packed him pasta....
The Blonde Americans wife is sitting the calmly, and everyone begins to look at her funny. She simply looks back and says, "hey. Don't look at me, he packed his own lunches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxptf/a_mexican_an_italian_and_a_blonde_american/
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a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxmsu/a_guy_got_an_interview_for_a_job_with_ea/
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I always bring a condom with me on a night out.

Unfortunately, it's always the same one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxm26/i_always_bring_a_condom_with_me_on_a_night_out/
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A duck was standing by the roadside waiting for a break in traffic so it could cross.

It watched the vehicles zooming past, seemingly uncaring of its plight. Just when the mayhem started to lull a chicken walked up and said "Don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxlwg/a_duck_was_standing_by_the_roadside_waiting_for_a/
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I have qualities of both Albert Einstein and Arnold Schwarzenegger

Body of Einstein, brain of Schwarzenegger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxjlc/i_have_qualities_of_both_albert_einstein_and/
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I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxhqz/i_believe_a_lot_of_conflict_in_the_wild_west/
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My life is like my dick after masturbation

Empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxgbc/my_life_is_like_my_dick_after_masturbation/
%
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were waiting for an elevator.

On the floor, next to the elevator door, was a tiny puddle of milky liquid. The brunette notices it first and says,
"Oh my God, that looks like semen."
The redhead bends down and sniffs,
"Oh my god, this smells like semen."
The blonde gets down on one knee, dips her finger in it, and sticks the finger in her mouth to taste it and blurts out,
"It's not anybody from our building."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxg1y/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_were_waiting/
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Did you watch the movie constipation?

It never came out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxd73/did_you_watch_the_movie_constipation/
%
Welcome to Syria!

You'll have a blast :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxd6g/welcome_to_syria/
%
Friends are a lot like trees...

They fall down when they are hit with an axe multiple times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxcrg/friends_are_a_lot_like_trees/
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Studies show that spying on people is good for humanity.

Power to the peep-hole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxcbn/studies_show_that_spying_on_people_is_good_for/
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What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex?

A microwave doesn't brown your meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxb7o/whats_the_difference_between_a_microwave_and_anal/
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Why shouldn't you lend a anthropologist money?

They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dxa2n/why_shouldnt_you_lend_a_anthropologist_money/
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A man dies and gets to the gates of heaven

Where St Peter asks him "son, to let you into heaven you must tell me one good thing you've done on earth" the guy thinks for a minute and replies "well, this one time i saw some some bikers out the front of a bar harassing a girl. So I walked over to the biggest biker, kicked his bike over, pulled out his nose ring, spat in his face and told him to leave the poor girl alone" st peter is quite impressed with this and says "well done my son, and when exactly did this happen?" the guy replies "about 5 minutes ago"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dx9vx/a_man_dies_and_gets_to_the_gates_of_heaven/
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Emotions

Three guys are walking home when they spot a house party, they get to the door and realize it's costume only, one of them notices a red can of paint in the garbage and paints his face red walks to the door a says I'm red with anger, second guy spot a green can of spray paint and sprays his face saying I'm green with envy, the third guy only sees a half rotten pear so he takes off his clothes puts the pear on his dick and yells I'm fucking despair!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dx9ng/emotions/
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I swallowed a £1 coin today..

..I went to the hospital and after poking around for 10 minutes he stuck his head up and said 'ok go home, come back if there's any change'
Tight bastard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dx9bx/i_swallowed_a_1_coin_today/
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Moth Problem

A sales assistant walks up to an old lady in his store and asks if he can help.
The lady says, “Yes please. I have a bit of a moth problem at home and need something to get rid of them.”
The assistant points out where the mothballs are and the lady thanks him and buys a packet.
The next day she returns but this time buys TWO packets.
The day after that she returns and buys THREE packets.
On the fourth day she’s buying FOUR packets and the assistant can’t hold his curiosity any longer. He says, “Ma’am, you must have an awful lot of moths in your house!”
“Yes,” she replies, “I spend all day throwing these darn balls at them and haven’t hit one of the bastards yet!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dx8lj/moth_problem/
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Jokes about women's menstruation aren't funny.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dx8ec/jokes_about_womens_menstruation_arent_funny/
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If I had a buck for every time an elk was confused for a deer...

I'd have a lot of doe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dx7zj/if_i_had_a_buck_for_every_time_an_elk_was/
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Walking Talking

Stephen Hawking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dx7vp/walking_talking/
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I just got a Christmas card promising lots of anal and oral sex this year...

I fucking hate prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dx7ml/i_just_got_a_christmas_card_promising_lots_of/
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I listen to trump rallies before I go to bed

They're all white noise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dx5lv/i_listen_to_trump_rallies_before_i_go_to_bed/
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What's the best thing about escalator jokes

The short delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dx5bw/whats_the_best_thing_about_escalator_jokes/
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A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job...

After arguing about how to test this, they inexplicably end up deciding each man should enter the woods and try to convert a bear to their faith.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:
“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dx16c/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
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My girlfriend and I joke about which of us is more competitive.

But, I joke about it waaaay more than her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dx0va/my_girlfriend_and_i_joke_about_which_of_us_is/
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Why is the twin towers and gender the same.

There used to be two of them but now it's to offensive to talk about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dx09t/why_is_the_twin_towers_and_gender_the_same/
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I've been having a bad feeling lately..

I think one of my dads might be gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwyv7/ive_been_having_a_bad_feeling_lately/
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The judge told me I might get capital punishment for my crimes, and asked me if I knew what it meant..

I didn't, so I told him to use it in a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwy70/the_judge_told_me_i_might_get_capital_punishment/
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My extremely slow tailor is trying to give me an impromptu fitting but I don't want to do it right now

I'm taking steps to prevent the measure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwwmc/my_extremely_slow_tailor_is_trying_to_give_me_an/
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A guy goes to the doctor...

The doctor says "You have to stop masturbating."
The guy says "Why?"
The doctor says "...because I'm trying to take your blood pressure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwubo/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Welshman (fuckin Welsh), a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentine, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean (fuck you Chile), a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwt62/an_englishman_a_scotsman_an_irishman_a_latvian/
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A priest sitting in a confessional really needs to use the bathroom...

So he peeks his head out, spots the janitor, and waves him over.
Priest: "could you please sit in the confessional while I run to the bathroom? I'll be very quick!"
Janitor: "but what if someone comes in? I have no idea what to do..."
Priest: "no worries, just make them say several Hail Mary's and send them in their way!"
Reluctantly, the janitor accepts and the priest steps out. Moments later, a woman enters the confessional.
Woman: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have committed the act of anal sex and really liked it!"
The janitor thinks to himself "jeez, that's quite a sin in my opinion, I'm not sure if several Hail Mary's are enough..." He peeks his head out looking for the priest, but spots the alter boy instead and waves him over.
Janitor: "really quick, what does the priest usually give for anal sex?"
Altar boy: "2 Snickers and a coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwseb/a_priest_sitting_in_a_confessional_really_needs/
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Two muffins are in the oven. . .

One turns to the other and says "its a bit hot in here",  the other screams "ahhh!  a talking muffin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwqus/two_muffins_are_in_the_oven/
%
Why is a river really rich?

It’s got two banks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwq5a/why_is_a_river_really_rich/
%
The hardest part of having sex again after you have recently been widowed is....

Gettin there before the rigor mortis sets in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwmvj/the_hardest_part_of_having_sex_again_after_you/
%
What do Africans say when they hear something funny?

That's fucking malarious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwlxw/what_do_africans_say_when_they_hear_something/
%
A father's last request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwho8/a_fathers_last_request/
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Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team?

Because everyone who is good at running, jumping, and swimming have already made it into the U.S.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwh7a/why_doesnt_mexico_have_a_good_olympic_team/
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Wife: We're not talking over the radio. This relationship is over.

Me: This relationship is what? Over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwgmw/wife_were_not_talking_over_the_radio_this/
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What happened to all the Paul Walker jokes?

It seems like they started going pretty fast, then just...stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwfzi/what_happened_to_all_the_paul_walker_jokes/
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology:

"And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwfxt/reaching_the_end_of_a_job_interview_the_human/
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Women expose 90% of their body when wearing a bikini

Men are nice enough to only look at the covered parts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwfoq/women_expose_90_of_their_body_when_wearing_a/
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Why did the pirate put springs on his treasure chest?

He wanted to see that booty bounce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwdhg/why_did_the_pirate_put_springs_on_his_treasure/
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What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?

People from Dubai don't like the Flinstones and people from Abu Dhabi Doo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dwa68/whats_the_difference_between_people_from_dubai/
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A Panda Walks Into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up, stretches, and pulls out a gun. He proceeds to shoot everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dw9tp/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the department of education?

By renaming it 'Trump University'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dw7o6/how_is_donald_trump_going_to_shut_down_the/
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A man is riding in the back of a taxi...

and the taxi driver is silent and concentrated on the road. Wanting to ask a question, the man taps the driver on the shoulder and says "Hey, buddy!" The driver screams and loses control of the taxi and crashes into a pole. The man says "Wow I didn't know me tapping you would scare you so much!" The driver replies, "It's not you're fault. This is my first day driving a taxi... last 20 years I drove a hearse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dw6yf/a_man_is_riding_in_the_back_of_a_taxi/
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Mexicans and Muslims have a lot in common now...

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dw6xa/mexicans_and_muslims_have_a_lot_in_common_now/
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What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?

"Quack, quack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dw2iq/what_did_the_turkey_say_to_the_turkey_hunter/
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"I'm sorry" and "My bad" mean the same thing

Unless you're at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dw1br/im_sorry_and_my_bad_mean_the_same_thing/
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I thought i ran away from the Tomatoes

I really didn't think they would ketchup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dw134/i_thought_i_ran_away_from_the_tomatoes/
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People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvyxl/people_are_really_upset_about_how_the_cast_of/
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I wanted to make a joke about transgenders...

...but I don't have the balls to do it.  Not anymore anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvymd/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_transgenders/
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Going home for the holidays is always awkward for me.

I arrived at my parents house where my mother was already hard at work in the kitchen baking and preparing for the meal tomorrow.
She came out to sit with me and we talked through our most recent Netflix obsessions, favorite foods, and caught up on each other's lives.
After our discussion mom looked a little put out and said she had to check on something in the kitchen.  I went upstairs and my room hadn't changed at all.  Just as I was coming back down the stairs, the doorbell rang.  It was a priest.
"Hello young man, is your mother home?"
But mom was already there to greet him.  "Oh Father, thank you for coming so quickly!"  She turned to me and said "I thought you might want to talk to someone about your addiction."
"Huh?  Mom, you didn't need to call this poor man over here to talk to me about that, it's nothing."
"On the contrary young man," the priest interrupted, "Homosexuality is one of the gravest of sins!"
"Dammit mom!  Peanuts!  I said I'm addicted to *peanuts*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvy83/going_home_for_the_holidays_is_always_awkward_for/
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Condoms

An old man goes in to a pharmacy to buy a box of condoms.Having never purchased condoms before he was a little nervous. The pharmacist hands him a box and say's, that will be 8.99$ and 9.70$ with tax.Tacks yells the old man,Don't these fucking things stay on by themselves??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvxn5/condoms/
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What does a mathematicion find in a forest?

A natural log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvvfd/what_does_a_mathematicion_find_in_a_forest/
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Donald Trump can't take any criticism…

At this point he's such a pussy about it he may as well just grab himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvqe1/donald_trump_cant_take_any_criticism/
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What an age we live in...

... when a family of billionaires moves into government subsidized housing previously occupied by black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvo28/what_an_age_we_live_in/
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I'm gonna have sex on new year's day...

To start the new year with a bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvmfo/im_gonna_have_sex_on_new_years_day/
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I started cheating on my wife for better BDSM

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvm3c/i_started_cheating_on_my_wife_for_better_bdsm/
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I got invited to my first HS party...

ten years too late, fuck you all i'm not going to the reunion, get bent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvl1g/i_got_invited_to_my_first_hs_party/
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I held a door for an elderly Japanese man.

He said "Sank you."
Why did he have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvjii/i_held_a_door_for_an_elderly_japanese_man/
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If there's one thing Trump should have learned from history...

It's that the theater has NEVER been a safe space for presidents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvimo/if_theres_one_thing_trump_should_have_learned/
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Stellar objects and radio waves?

I always wondered, when hearing stellar bodies like pulsars, quasars and black holes emit radio waves, the following:
1) Are these waves akin to AM/FM/VHF/UHF type signals in that they transmit signals and sound?
2) If not, are these "waves" just variations in the redshift of hydrogen?
3) If so, does each body have a distinct frequency pattern (like how a station at 102.3 FM and another at 102.7 are distinct in their respective transmissions)?
4) Is it possible to hear these radio waves with a standard radio - AM/FM/CB/Shortwave?
Thanks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvi0r/stellar_objects_and_radio_waves/
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i know a place where the recycling rate is 99%

/r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvgsj/i_know_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_99/
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A Dog Named Sex.

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex." He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too!"
Then, I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then, I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny -- I have the same problem."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."
Then, I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvg10/a_dog_named_sex/
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What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *whack*, "Darn!"
A skydiver goes "Darn!" *whack*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvcce/whats_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
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God went around the world looking for a nation to give his commandments to.

First he tried the French.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"What's in 'em?"
"Well... There's 'thou shalt not commit adultery"
"No thank you."
God then tried the Romanians.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"What's in 'em?"
"Well... There's 'thou shalt not steal"
"No thank you."
Then god tried the Germans.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"What's in 'em?"
"Well... There's 'thou shalt not kill"
"No thank you."
Finally god went to the Jews.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"How much?"
"How much..? Well, technically they're free, but you must maintain-"
"We'll take ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dvbqk/god_went_around_the_world_looking_for_a_nation_to/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, glass ceilings don't have light bulbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dv9iq/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I'm proud to be black, said the black man. I'm proud to be Asian, said the Asian man. I'm proud to be white,

said the RACIST.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dv8ud/im_proud_to_be_black_said_the_black_man_im_proud/
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What sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dv6vr/what_sexual_position_produces_the_ugliest_children/
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The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....?

Now.. is the winter of our discount tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dv6km/the_camping_shop_in_stratforduponavon_is_having_a/
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What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dv3zr/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They don't change it. They just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dv0vm/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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When I was a little boy, my dad taught me that any little boy or girl, even me, could grow up and become President someday...

I'm starting to believe him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5duxp9/when_i_was_a_little_boy_my_dad_taught_me_that_any/
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Who says sequels don't work?

Look at the fanbase of the New Testament!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dux6k/who_says_sequels_dont_work/
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What's the difference between a happy programmer and a sad programmer?

"Hello, world" and "Goodbye, cruel world"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dux5l/whats_the_difference_between_a_happy_programmer/
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FLUCTUATIONS

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious that she was a little irritated...
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today, I only get hunat eighty. Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations..."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dutpy/fluctuations/
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Archaeologists found Beethoven furiously erasing his music

When asked what he was doing Beethoven responded "I'm decomposing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5duro4/archaeologists_found_beethoven_furiously_erasing/
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All of the animals went on a picnic and they discovered they forgot the salt. The animals sent the turtle to get them the salt. After 3 days of waiting, the animals decided to start eating

And then the turtle jumps from the bush and says:"Aha! I knew you wouldn't wait for me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dupfo/all_of_the_animals_went_on_a_picnic_and_they/
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There's a group of passive aggressive people that keep saying I'm a snoopy mailman

I know because they keep writing letters about it to their friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5duohe/theres_a_group_of_passive_aggressive_people_that/
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What does it mean when a man makes eye contact with a woman while she speaks?

Her tits aren't nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dumly/what_does_it_mean_when_a_man_makes_eye_contact/
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How do you make Holy Water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dulbr/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.

She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dukwa/a_blonde_goes_to_the_dry_cleaners/
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I hate people who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're"

There so stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5duhr0/i_hate_people_who_dont_know_the_difference/
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dufz5/i_bought_some_shoes_off_of_a_drug_dealer/
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Why is it hard to watch two elephants boxing?

Because they've got the same color trunks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5duemx/why_is_it_hard_to_watch_two_elephants_boxing/
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What do you call a frog in the no parking zone?

Toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5duecn/what_do_you_call_a_frog_in_the_no_parking_zone/
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How does Voldemort seal his mail?

With his Parceltongue. (...I'll see myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dudvx/how_does_voldemort_seal_his_mail/
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In a neighbourhood there were two little brothers, Jim and Jake...

Jim was 12, and Jake was 9, and they were two little devils.
They ran around stealing stuff from the neighbours, and whenever something went missing on the neighbourhood, everyone knew it was their fault.
One day, after they stole somethign yet again, their mother said: "I'm done with you two!", and decided to call the local priest for help.
He suggested that she should send Jake to the church, and there he would turn into a more behaved child.
As soon as Jake got to the church and closed the gates, the priest asked him: "My child, where is Jesus Christ?"
Jake became petrified in place, scared of the priest.
"Where is Jesus Christ??", the priest asked again, raising his voice.
Jake then ran outside and back inside his house, and hid under his bed.
When Jim got back home and found him hiding, he asked him "What happened? You look terrified!"
Jake then replied: "Bro, we're screwed!! Jesus Christ is missing and they think it's our fault!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dudqs/in_a_neighbourhood_there_were_two_little_brothers/
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I have an addiction to snorting powdered fruit drink mix...

Anybody got a punch line?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5duc6m/i_have_an_addiction_to_snorting_powdered_fruit/
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The other day I held the door open for a clown

I thought it was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5du8xw/the_other_day_i_held_the_door_open_for_a_clown/
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How do you get 50 little old ladies to scream FUCK at the same time?

Have the 51st scream BINGO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5du7nx/how_do_you_get_50_little_old_ladies_to_scream/
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My brother started making terrible bird puns to annoy me...

But toucan play at that game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5du6r2/my_brother_started_making_terrible_bird_puns_to/
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"One man's trash is another man's treasure."

is one way to tell your kid that they're adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5du6lp/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
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A wife finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning...

My dear wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongfully interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 19 year old secretary at the comfort inn hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.
*When the man came home late that night, he found the following note on the dining table...*
My dear husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young virile and, like your secretary, is 19 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 19 goes into 57  more times than 57 goes into 19. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5du6je/a_wife_finds_a_note_from_her_husband_on_the/
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What's Irish and stays out all night?

Patio Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5du20t/whats_irish_and_stays_out_all_night/
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Mexicans jump the border alone or in pairs...

Because there's no trespassing allowed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5du1im/mexicans_jump_the_border_alone_or_in_pairs/
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A man walks into a crowded bar brandishing a gun...

The man yells out "WHOS BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE???"
A few moments later, a man in the back yells back "YOU DONT HAVE ENOUGH BULLETS!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtzri/a_man_walks_into_a_crowded_bar_brandishing_a_gun/
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I used to be addicted to frozen sandwiches

But I decided to go cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtx32/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_frozen_sandwiches/
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What does a Buddhist monk say when ordering a subway sandwich?

*Make me one with everything*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtv2c/what_does_a_buddhist_monk_say_when_ordering_a/
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I went to a party last night...

..and everyone was watching a movie on the TV. I being introverted, hadn't talked with anyone and was watching movie by myself. When the movie ended, everyone was debating on what to watch next.
I decided to put on the movie I had brought from home. It was pretty funny and had Jim Carrey in it.
Everyone really like it. People started talking to me and thanking me for the movie. No one cared who I was until I put on The Mask.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtux4/i_went_to_a_party_last_night/
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Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtrv2/son_dad_what_is_an_idiot/
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How do you shoot a unique deer?

You-neak up on it and shoot it.
Credit: Grandpa Clifford

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtq61/how_do_you_shoot_a_unique_deer/
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So I asked my friend, "I hear your husband applied for a position in the government"

Me:"What is he doing now?"
Friend: "Nothing"
Me: "But I thought he got the job!?"
Friend: "Yes he did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtnzo/so_i_asked_my_friend_i_hear_your_husband_applied/
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My son asked me what made the Fourth Crusade different from the first three.

I told him it was a little unorthodox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtng8/my_son_asked_me_what_made_the_fourth_crusade/
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Did you know Auschwitz has the highest hotel rating?

1.1 million stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtl7i/did_you_know_auschwitz_has_the_highest_hotel/
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Two guys are drinking in a bar...

...when one notices the other has been quiet all night.
"What's the deal? You've said five words since we got here and you haven't even touched your beer," Jim says.
Henry looks up sheepishly. "I'm sorry, it's just...do you remember that girl from work I was telling you about?"
"The one with that smokin' body? Yeah, what was her name? Jenna?"
"Yeah, that's the one," Henry says. "I, uh, asked her out on a date and she said yes."
Jim nearly chokes on his beer and slaps Henry's back. "Attaboy! I didn't know you had it in you. If she's as perfect as you say she is then you're the luckiest dog I've ever met. So what's the problem?"
Henry looks around the bar and leans in. "That's exactly the problem. She's too attractive. This is embarrassing, but whenever she comes into my office I have to stay behind my desk. I get an instant erection, every time."
Jim tries to swallow his laughter but sees in Henry's eyes that he means every word. "I'm serious," Henry continues. "How the hell am I supposed to go on a date with this woman if I'm at full mast the whole time?"
Jim leans back on his barstool and takes a swig of beer. "Easy, before you go on the date, tape your dick to the inside of the leg. She'll never notice and you won't make a jackass of yourself."
Henry glares at him but slowly realizes it might be the only solution he has. "To hell with it! I'm gonna do it!"
Date night comes and goes and the next day Jim finds Henry back at the bar with a half dozen empty beer bottles scattered in front of him. "So...the date. You did remember to tape it down, didn't you?"
"Yeah I remembered," Henry said, still looking down. "I taped it down before I went over, and when I got to her house she opened the door wearing nothing but a skimpy little robe. She pulled me through the door and slid the robe off. Right then and there." Henry sighs and takes a chug of his beer.
"That is the most incredible thing I ever heard," Jim says. "So she was naked from the moment you got to her house?"
"Yep." Henry sighs and motions for another beer.
Jim shakes his head. "You got to see the woman of your dreams naked, so what the hell is your problem today?"
"I kicked her in the face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtj10/two_guys_are_drinking_in_a_bar/
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I saw a truck with donkeys in the trailer...

It was hauling ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtiz8/i_saw_a_truck_with_donkeys_in_the_trailer/
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank coffee, before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtgg5/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
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***Abortion jokes are NOT FUNNY***

Cut it out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dteam/abortion_jokes_are_not_funny/
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You're the best ninja I've ever seen!

And the worst ninja in general.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtdzr/youre_the_best_ninja_ive_ever_seen/
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A sergeant and two men from his unit walk into a bar

'Would you like to play pool?' The sergeant asked the attractive barmaid.
'No thanks darling' she replies. 'I'd rather play with your privates.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtcqs/a_sergeant_and_two_men_from_his_unit_walk_into_a/
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I saw a man at the beach going "Help! Shark! Help!"

I laughed because I knew that the shark wasn't going to help him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtcj3/i_saw_a_man_at_the_beach_going_help_shark_help/
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I wrote a song about a tortilla...

Actually it's more like a wrap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtcf2/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
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Did you hear about the stolen Tesla?

I guess now it's an Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtcaq/did_you_hear_about_the_stolen_tesla/
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I just bought some presents for my epileptic girlfriend's birthday

Just a few small gifts, nothing too flashy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dtby5/i_just_bought_some_presents_for_my_epileptic/
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There's a Soviet General on the eastern front in Finland...

He goes to see his men to raise their morale; they've been having trouble taking a forest.
From across the forest he hears, "Ha! One Finn is better than ten Russians!"
The general is angered by this so he rounds up the nearest ten soldiers and sends them to find and kill the Finn. He hears a bit of gunfire on the other side of the forest and it goes quiet again.
From across the forest he hears, "Ha! One Finn is better than a whole Russian platoon!"
The general is infuriated, so he rounds up two dozen men to go kill the Finnish soldier. Off they go into the woods, and more gunfire is heard.
After fifteen minutes he hears the voice again, "Ha! One Finn is better than a whole Russian COMPANY!"
The general can barely contain his outrage, so he orders half of his soldiers into the forest, tanks flamethrowers, machine guns et al. Across the forest one can hear explosions machinegun fire, screams and shouts, but it all quiets down.
The general looks into the woods expectantly for his men to return, but only one does, bloodied and limping.
The wounded soldier says, "Comrade general, it was a trap, do not send any more men. There were two Finns..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dt8jj/theres_a_soviet_general_on_the_eastern_front_in/
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My wife was raped by a troupe of mimes

They did unspeakable things to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dt85b/my_wife_was_raped_by_a_troupe_of_mimes/
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My girlfriend took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.

While she screamed and stomped around the house, kicking and hitting whatever she came into contact with, her father walked over.
With a pitiful eye, he looked at me and said, "You should have worn a condom."
I said, "I'm not the only one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dt6xf/my_girlfriend_took_a_pregnancy_test_and_it_came/
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I just bought a thesaurus

from the book store, however when I got home I found that all the pages were blank! I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dt5yw/i_just_bought_a_thesaurus/
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I like my women like I like my tea...

...white, weak and you can't tell if what you're drinking is piss or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dt3w9/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_tea/
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So I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night...

I should've put it on Aloha temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dt22e/so_i_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_last_night/
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At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing.

I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dsxmg/at_the_pharmacy_i_asked_for_50_condoms_2_girls/
%
A man finds work in a remote mining camp...

When he arrived, the foreman said to him: "You are going to enjoy being here, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays we get very, very drunk".
"I dont enjoy the taste of alcohol very much, sir", said the newly arrived.
The foreman continued: "Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays we bring whores to the camp".
"I also do not enjoy laying with loose woman, sir".
"Are you a faggot?", asked the foreman.
"No, Sir" was the answer.
"Well, you are not going to enjoy Sundays either".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dsxbu/a_man_finds_work_in_a_remote_mining_camp/
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Guy asks his friend: "I heard you were out til 5 am last night. You must have been partying pretty hard?"

Friend: "Did you just assume my bender?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dswex/guy_asks_his_friend_i_heard_you_were_out_til_5_am/
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A conversation with god about Trump

John (while writing Revelations):  "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"
God:  "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John:  Yeah, trumpets.
God:  "Never mind.  They'll know."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dswaj/a_conversation_with_god_about_trump/
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The Trump presidency will be fine...

Remember when NWO took over WCW? In the end, it turned out ok too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dsvy6/the_trump_presidency_will_be_fine/
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What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the evening and 6 legs at night?

I've trapped it in my bedroom, send help...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dsunx/what_has_4_legs_in_the_morning_2_legs_in_the/
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I walked into my sisters room and tripped on a bra...

It was a booby trap!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Stolen ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^from ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^The ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Last ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Of ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dst5j/i_walked_into_my_sisters_room_and_tripped_on_a_bra/
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How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She can fit into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dsru3/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
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I went for lunch with my accountant and he ordered a bowl of insects...

Then he started picking out just the really juicy looking ants and popping them in his mouth like m&ms.
I said "What the hell are you doing?"
"I only handle finance." he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dsppd/i_went_for_lunch_with_my_accountant_and_he/
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I broke my finger last week

On the other hand, i'm ok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dsofj/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
%
People tell me that I'm a bad knitter

oops, wrong thread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dso0g/people_tell_me_that_im_a_bad_knitter/
%
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a Hotel room

and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'
Donald frowned and said, 'No.'
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?
'Thit No!' Donald quacked, I'll thuffocate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dslf8/donald_duck_and_daisy_duck_were_spending_the/
%
Breaking news!

A man who tried to sue an airline company about his missing luggage has lost his case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dsjzt/breaking_news/
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What do you call a folder on FBI's servers that contains all the intel on known child molesters?

A Pedo File.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dsj0v/what_do_you_call_a_folder_on_fbis_servers_that/
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[Long] It's the wild west...

And this cowboy rides his horse into a small town. His throat is parched, so he ties his horse to a pole next to a bar and goes in for a drink. He comes out a few minutes later, and someone already stole his horse. The people of the town are looking to see his reaction, they aren't even discreet about it. He looks around at everyone and says loud and clear: "I will walk back into the bar to get myself another drink, and if I don't see my horse right in front of the bar, I will have to do what I did in Texas a year ago after someone stole my horse. And trust me, I didn't like what I had to do in Texas a year ago." After his confident speech, the man walked back into the bar. The townsfolk looked at each other in fear and got the horse back. The cowboy finished his second drink and walked out of the bar, saddled the horse, but just before he left the bartender walked up to him and asked. "Hey, cowboy, we know that we got you your horse back, but do you mind telling us what you had to do a year ago in Texas?" The cowboy looked at him with an iron gaze and responded: "I had to walk home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dsis2/long_its_the_wild_west/
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Computer Hacking Investigator Job Interview

A guy went for an interview at a big IT company for the position of "Computer Hacking Investigator"
The boss asked him:
So, what makes you suitable for this job?
Well, he replied, I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dsia3/computer_hacking_investigator_job_interview/
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My wife got a restraining order against me.

I love it when she plays hard to get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dsfb2/my_wife_got_a_restraining_order_against_me/
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A man goes to buy a Ferrari...

but he was short of $1.
He saw a homeless man and said "Can you give me a dollar, I have to buy a Ferrari."
The homeless man gave him two dollars and said "Get one for me too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dsf83/a_man_goes_to_buy_a_ferrari/
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Why did the Mexican push his wife over the cliff?

Tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dsche/why_did_the_mexican_push_his_wife_over_the_cliff/
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I have a horse named mayo...

Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ds7k5/i_have_a_horse_named_mayo/
%
Two parrots were sitting on a perch

One says to the other... Do you smell fish?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ds5i8/two_parrots_were_sitting_on_a_perch/
%
My friend accidentally shot off his toes.

He told me to take him to the hospital,But I can't I'm Lack-toes-intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ds3yj/my_friend_accidentally_shot_off_his_toes/
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I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig ..

It's not a beautiful poem but it's really deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ds05e/i_dig_she_dig_we_dig_he_dig_they_dig_you_dig/
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I like my women like I like my coffee...

Without a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dryit/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner...

"Ok, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede.
"Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50 dollars.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
After getting home, he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"
The centipede says nothing.
Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"
The centipede again says nothing.
Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"
The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5drtxd/a_man_walks_into_a_pet_shop_and_says_to_the_owner/
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A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?"

"K, pop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5drtcm/a_father_asks_his_child_could_you_please_stop/
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What's Hitler's favorite board game?

Gas Who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5drssr/whats_hitlers_favorite_board_game/
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A joke from India

Translated from Hindi:
There is a queue outside the bank where people are waiting to get in and exchange currency. One chap keeps cutting the queue and goes to the front. The rest of the people keep forcing him back.
This goes on 5-6 times. The guy finally gets pissed and says
'Keep standing in line you fuckwits, today I will not open the damn bank!
.
.
.
Premise for those unaware: India has recently scrapped 500 rupee and 1000 rupee notes, rendering 85% of the country's cash utterly useless. (Funnier than the joke, isn't it?!) So folks are queued up outside banks to exchange old notes for new currency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5drsig/a_joke_from_india/
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Stalin walks into a field

Farm worker: Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God!
Stalin: But God does not exist.
Farm worker: And neither do the potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5drqkp/stalin_walks_into_a_field/
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Why did Hitler always win foot races?

He was the fascist one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5drjoh/why_did_hitler_always_win_foot_races/
%
Widow decides it's time to remarry..

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5drim0/widow_decides_its_time_to_remarry/
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Three men walk into a party.

The first man beelines toward a table with a bowl of punch. The second man closely follows. A few people are ahead of them so while they wait the first man turns to the second man and asks:
"Have you ever heard the one about the garden gnome?"
The second man replies "No, not that I can recall..."
The first man begins "Well you see, a garden gnome, a snake, and a raven walk into a bar."
The second man interrupts "Snakes don't walk! They slither."
The first man looks a little upset, but waves away the accusation. "Fine. The gnome and the raven walk into the bar. The snake slithers. Happy?"
The second man nods and the first man continues "Well, the bartender asks the gnome what he'd like to drink"
At this moment the first man is interrupted yet again as he has reached the drink table. He pours himself a drink and leaves the second man to fill his cup.
The third man, having seen the first man leave with a drink, sidles up to the second man "Well? What was the rest of the joke?"
"I can't say" the second man replies. "The punchline was too short"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5drhol/three_men_walk_into_a_party/
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I keep getting told I'm a terrible mailman..

Oops I've posted this in the wrong place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5drbd4/i_keep_getting_told_im_a_terrible_mailman/
%
So I met a girl at a bar a few weeks ago

She was easily a nine, and we actually seemed to get along really well.  I am usually very awkward around girls, but I was on my A game and managed to get her number.
The very next day, a new girl showed up at my workplace.  She was a solid seven.  We started chatting and I managed to hit if off with her too! She was a gamer just like me, and we had a lot in common. I was ecstatic at this point, because I'm a six at best.  I decided to take each of the girls out on a date, and see who I would rather continue with.
Both dates went really well, but, being attracted more to the nine, I decided to take her out again. We went out a few times, and I thought it was going great. I was really proud of myself, because, once again, I'm a six at best. One day, though, I stopped hearing from her altogether.  It seemed like she had just vanished.  I naturally assumed she had lost interest in me, and moved on with my life.
About a week later, I got a text from the seven.  She said that she would like to go out again. I accepted, since apparently the nine was no longer a factor. We agreed to meet for coffee, but she never showed. I thought it was strange, but figured maybe something had come up.
The next day, I discovered that the seven had been arrested for murdering the nine. Apparently, she had found out that I chose the nine over her and had decided to take revenge. She had some serious mental instability and jealousy issues, as I found out that day. She had lured the nine to her apartment, killed her, sliced her up, and appeared to have eaten part of the nine's dead body before the cops tracked her down.
So all this begs the question, why is six afraid of seven?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5draw0/so_i_met_a_girl_at_a_bar_a_few_weeks_ago/
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A boy and his pal

A pedophile and a little boy are walking through the woods at night.
The boy says, “Mister, I’m scared.”
The pedophile says, “You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dr9f7/a_boy_and_his_pal/
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My German girlfriend

likes to rate our sex between 1-10
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!!!
That's the best I've done so far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dr89r/my_german_girlfriend/
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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dr318/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
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Which of the twelve knights built King Arthur's round table?

Sir cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dr1ve/which_of_the_twelve_knights_built_king_arthurs/
%
Have you ever been caught masterbating in a closet?

Them: No.
You: It's a really good hiding spot isn't it.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dr1in/have_you_ever_been_caught_masterbating_in_a_closet/
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Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dqza6/is_google_male_or_female/
%
I like my women like I like my whiskey

12 years old and mixed up with coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dquzs/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
%
What do you call a vegetarian with bad gas?

A leaf blower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dqqn3/what_do_you_call_a_vegetarian_with_bad_gas/
%
Why do the Scots wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dqldv/why_do_the_scots_wear_kilts/
%
What does an orphan get for Christmas?

Really lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dql5h/what_does_an_orphan_get_for_christmas/
%
How does a redneck find a sheep in his field?

Sexy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dql1o/how_does_a_redneck_find_a_sheep_in_his_field/
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An Artist, an Architect, and an Engineer...

...are discussing whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress.
The architect says, "A wife, of course.  A good marriage is the foundation of a happy life."
The artist says, "No, a mistress.  She will add intrigue and excitement to your life."
They turn to the engineer to ask his opinion.  The engineer says, "I have both.  The wife thinks I'm with the mistress.  The mistress thinks I'm with the wife.  And I can go down to the plant and get some work done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dqj3w/an_artist_an_architect_and_an_engineer/
%
I got distracted today while driving and rear-ended the car in front of me.

The car door opened and out hopped the driver.  He stormed up to me, all 3' 9" of him, and angrily blurted out "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
*"Which one are you then?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dqhrr/i_got_distracted_today_while_driving_and/
%
3 guys hiking in woods find a lamp One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003,50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says
"I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately
starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family are among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dqgru/3_guys_hiking_in_woods_find_a_lamp_one_of_them/
%
Today I told my boyfriend he can have as much anal sex as he wants...

After all it's his butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dqdf1/today_i_told_my_boyfriend_he_can_have_as_much/
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The Pope is Touring the US

And, being the Pope, he's been riding in the back of limos and the Popemobile the entire time.  But it's been a few years of being Pope, and the US has some nice open roads, so he desperately wants to drive again.
He rolls down the partition in his limo and tells the driver to get in the back... Pope Francis is taking the wheel!
He gets to the most remote road he can find, and this man absolutely TEARS ASS through the countryside.  100, 120, 160 miles per hour!  He's a wild-man, having the time of his life.
Then the sirens go off.  The Pope pulls over.
A state trooper approaches the limo as the Pope rolls down his window.  The trooper sees the Pope and immediately radios his CO:
*"Uh sir I pulled somebody over for doing 95 over the speed limit... But he's pretty important, sir.  What do I do?"*
**"95 over the speed limit, how is this even an issue?  Who is this guy, the Governor?"**
The trooper looks at the Pope, who waves.
*"He's bigger than the Governor, sir."*
**"Aw Jesus man, you didn't pull over the President?!"**
*"No sir, I think he's bigger than the President."*
**"Wait, who the hell is even bigger than the President?!  Who did you pull over?!"**
The trooper thinks for a moment and replies:
*"I don't know sir, but the Pope is his limo driver so I figure he's REAL important."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dqaei/the_pope_is_touring_the_us/
%
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dq8pl/what_was_the_first_thing_adam_said_to_eve/
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What was Hitler's favorite breakfast cereal?

Reich Crispies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dq6pj/what_was_hitlers_favorite_breakfast_cereal/
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People who generalize...

I would finish the joke, but redditors are smart enough to see where it's going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dq51o/people_who_generalize/
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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "Food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "Honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "Shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "Opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "Solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "Please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "The rest of the world" meant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dpy0w/a_worldwide_survey_was_conducted_by_the_un/
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A police officer is returning home drunk..

A police officer returns home drunk in his car from a colleague's house. He is driving safely, until suddenly a patrol on the side of the road motions him to stop by for a check. He quickly draws out his badge, confident that his colleagues will believe it and says: ''Don't worry colleagues, I've drunk a bit at another officer's house, I live nearby, I'll drive responsibly.''. ''Sure, go ahead, no problem.'', one of the officers replies. ''Goodnight.''. After a while, another police patrol motions him to stop. ''Fuck, not again!'' he exclaims. Once again, he draws out his badge and repeats the same sentence. The officers wave him goodbye. But after a while he is stopped again by once another patrol. ''C'mon.. you've got to be kidding me..''. He shows his badge, once more, about to repeat his sentence. ''Don't worry colleagues, I've--'', he is interrupted. ''Sir, get out of the fucking roundabout atleast!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dpxnq/a_police_officer_is_returning_home_drunk/
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Big butthole?

When she was flying down the road (at 10 over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?” To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?”“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded. The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dpx9w/big_butthole/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dpwj6/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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Two scientists walk into a bar

“I’ll have an H2O.”
“I’ll have an H2O, too.”
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dpwfe/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
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Hagrid is so fat

The Sorting Hat put him in the Waffle House

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dpvcm/hagrid_is_so_fat/
%
Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it...

Guess I really am...independent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dpu5b/turned_18_today_so_i_bought_a_locket_and_put_my/
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Three men rob a bank

It's night. They tie up the security guard and head to the safes. The gang open the first safe and see that there's no money, only yogurts. Frustrated, the robbers decide they might as well eat them. Afterwards, they open the second safe but it's full of yogurts as well, they eat everything and move on to the third safe, only to find the same components. Finally they decide that enough is enough and angrily stomp back to the security guard.
-What kind of a fucking bank is this? There's only yogurt!
-Well, you see... this is a sperm bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dprzo/three_men_rob_a_bank/
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I made a shirt out of pushpins...

...because I wanted to look sharp.
But everyone said it was just tacky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dpq7b/i_made_a_shirt_out_of_pushpins/
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Remember: if the Pilgrims had shot a bobcat instead of a turkey,

we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dpnls/remember_if_the_pilgrims_had_shot_a_bobcat/
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Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough.

She keeps asking what I’m doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dpl41/making_the_arrangements_for_my_wifes_funeral_is/
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I used to go out with a girl who was obsessed with graphs...

she was always plotting behind my back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dphpm/i_used_to_go_out_with_a_girl_who_was_obsessed/
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A missing Chinese pyromaniac has been located hiding out at a Roman Catholic monastery.

He was found praying with friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dpeku/a_missing_chinese_pyromaniac_has_been_located/
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How ripe are your tomatoes?

A beautiful woman loved growing a garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed that she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. Twice a day, for two weeks, she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dpc2c/how_ripe_are_your_tomatoes/
%
My friend asked me, what rhymes with Reddit?

I said: No it doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dp87h/my_friend_asked_me_what_rhymes_with_reddit/
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A Swede, an Irishman and a Scot are golfing with their wives ....

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency,
here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dp801/a_swede_an_irishman_and_a_scot_are_golfing_with/
%
All through their lives, guys are called either "young man" or "old man."

I guess they cut out the middle man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dp2pr/all_through_their_lives_guys_are_called_either/
%
She wanted a virgin

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who he has never been with a woman before.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"Well, I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dp1uv/she_wanted_a_virgin/
%
I'm a social Vegan

I avoid meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dp1c8/im_a_social_vegan/
%
My wife asked me why I was walking around the house with a gun

I responded, "Because of those fucking decepticons!"
I laughed.
She laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dozpo/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_was_walking_around_the/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dow86/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
You've gotta hand it to short people..

Usually because they can't reach it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5doswg/youve_gotta_hand_it_to_short_people/
%
American beer is like having sex in a canoe

It's fucking very close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dosus/american_beer_is_like_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
%
My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dorri/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee...

...without a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5doqxu/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
How do you turn a duck in to a soul singer?

Put in the oven till it's Bill Withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5doqhe/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_in_to_a_soul_singer/
%
A Irishman walks out of a Bar



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dopq5/a_irishman_walks_out_of_a_bar/
%
What is Trumps favorite movie?

Minority Report.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dootj/what_is_trumps_favorite_movie/
%
I hope death is a woman...

That way it will never come for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5domk3/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
I don't always tell Dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dol8k/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
Adam is relaxing in Garden of Eden when God suddenly appears in front of him

God: Hi Adam how goes? I´ve got something great in mind for you!
Adam: Hey old man.. what´s you got for me?
God: I call it a woman!
Adam: What´s a woman??
God: It´s a creature designed to be your partner and boy let me tell you what she does..
Adam: cool!
God: She will cook for you, clean up after your mess, give you backrubs/foot massage, always think you are right, never argue, never get upset when you go out drinking with your friends (when you get those), have sex with you whenever, wherever and however you want...
Adam: Sounds awesome! I´d sure like one of those!
God: Well.. I will need something of you to make this happen...
Adam: Sure, what´ll you need?
God: Two arms and a leg..
Adam: What?!? I can't go about with no arms and one leg!... What can I get for a rib?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dokye/adam_is_relaxing_in_garden_of_eden_when_god/
%
I had a joke about a boomerang, but I forgot....

Ahh well, it will come back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dokmk/i_had_a_joke_about_a_boomerang_but_i_forgot/
%
I went to visit my Grandpa...

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5doj8c/i_went_to_visit_my_grandpa/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping?

But then the kid woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dohvz/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping/
%
A Californian, a Texan, and a New Yorker are dining at a restaurant.....

The waiter comes by and says, "Excuse me gentlemen, I'm sorry to inform you there's a shortage of our special, the triple-meat burger, this evening. Please consider some of our delicious regular menu options".
The Californian says, "what the fuck is triple-meat?"
The Texan says, "what the fuck is shortage?"
The New Yorker says "what the fuck are excuse me, sorry, and please?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5doh1e/a_californian_a_texan_and_a_new_yorker_are_dining/
%
The Three Generals

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''
The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''
The general said, ''Just do it!''
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his dick. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.''
The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dogt8/the_three_generals/
%
How do you get Dick from Richard?

Buy him dinner first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dogen/how_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
%
Indian Instincts

There was an Indian chief who wanted to show his son the way of the woods. He gets on the ground and hears a noise.
"Buffalo come."
"How do you know?"
"Ground shaky."
The boy wanted to try. He gets on the ground, listens.
"Man come."
"Is there a vibration?"
"No."
"Then how do you know?"
"Ground sticky."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dogb2/indian_instincts/
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Survivors

A Canadian, an American and a Chinese man are stranded on a deserted island. The Canadian tells the others that he will be in charge of food. American volunteers to be in charge of water and the Chinese man says he will be in charge of supplies. They split up to do their jobs and decide to meet up later. When the Canadian and the American return, there is no sign of the Chinese man. Days pass by, but they still can't find their friend. One day as they are walking along a path, the Chinese man jumps from the bushes and yells "SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dofge/survivors/
%
Hey it's Bill Gates! Mr. Gates, why was 6 afraid of 7?

"I don't know, because 7 8 10?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5doea0/hey_its_bill_gates_mr_gates_why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
Grandfather, Grandmother and grandson are in the farm

. Granddad is cutting the wood with an axe and Grandson is helping Grandma to sort the harvested corn. Suddenly a strong breeze blows up the grandma’s skirt. Unfortunately, she was not wearing underwear and kid saw everything. After couple seconds of awkwardness grandma starts to explain what he saw is a scar from accident, when his grandfather accidentally hit her with an axe. Kid smiles and turns to his grandfather “Good job granny, you hit her straight in the vagina”.
PS Sorry for my English, I'm not a native speaker :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5doc6m/grandfather_grandmother_and_grandson_are_in_the/
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Choosing a new password

:
potato
Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.
boiled potato
Sorry, password must contain at least one number.
1 boiled potato
Sorry, password cannot contain spaces
50fuckingboiledpotatoes
Sorry, password must contain capital letters.
50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes
Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.
IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.
NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account. Please try again later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5doan5/choosing_a_new_password/
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I find my confidence always goes up after some basic carpentry...

...I'm pretty proud of myshelf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5do9sd/i_find_my_confidence_always_goes_up_after_some/
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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5do75q/a_mormon_was_seated_next_to_an_irishman_on_a/
%
Why doesn't Ganondorf like going on the internet?

There are too many Links.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5do6yp/why_doesnt_ganondorf_like_going_on_the_internet/
%
In an Irish court...

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You @%#$ard !"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten @%#$ard !"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for thirty
five years I've lived next door to that jerk, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5do6pv/in_an_irish_court/
%
I hate how politically correct we have become as a society ...

You can't even say black paint anymore. Now you have to say, "Jamal kindly paint my house?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5do6ju/i_hate_how_politically_correct_we_have_become_as/
%
An abacus doesn't need batteries

you can always count on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5do4xu/an_abacus_doesnt_need_batteries/
%
A bar owner and his dog

There was a bar owner that recently adopted a pet Labrador. The dog instantly became a good friend to the pub regulars and was not long officially made the pub mascot. The mutt became a part of the pub, and everyone who went there was greeted by the licks and unconditional love of the creature.
One cold winters morning, the bar owner woke up to see heavy snow falling outside his window. He hurried down to the bar and out to the garden where his dog slept in his little kennel, but found him frozen solid. He broke the news to the bar regulars that day and there was an atmosphere of depression, when suddenly one of the men drinking shouted "I know! How about you get a taxidermy done and display him in the bar so everyone can remember him!" The bar owner instantly praised the idea and as soon as the day ended he went out to his local taxidermist.
After a discussion with the taxidermist the bar owner found it was too expensive to stuff the entire dog, so instead he decided to simply stuff the tail and bury the rest of the dog in the garden of the pub. A small funeral was held where all the people who had met the lovely mutt shed a tear or two, but were glad that its tail was hanging above the bar in remembrance.
Meanwhile, the soul of the dog raised before the gates of heaven and was met by St Peter. St Peter opens his book and gladly says "You have been a loving dog, showing unconditional love and affection to everyone you meet, as well as strong companionship to your owner." However, St Peter pauses and a frown appears on his face "It says here that part of you isn't buried."
"That's because my owner stuffed my tail so he could remember me." replied the Labrador in a high pitched voice. St Peter sighed and stated "In order to enter heaven you need to have all of your body buried, I will send you back to earth as a ghost in an attempt to bury the last part of your body."
Instantly, the dog is sent back down to earth in the very early morning outside the bar. The dog scratched the door with little success, so howled as loud as he could in order to wake the bar owner up. The bar owner soon opens the door to see the ghostly spirit of his beloved Labrador, and continues to faint after it lets out a joyous "Why hello there master!"
When the bar owner comes to and both of them are together in the bar, the dog explains his situation to him. "So basically I just need my tail buried and I can get into heaven." The bar owner, still shocked that his dog is now a talking ghost, looks puzzled and scratches his head, letting out a long sigh "I'm sorry my friend, I don't think I can help you there." The dog looks confused and replies "Why not? All you need to do is bury my tail." Then, the bar owner points up to a sigh above the bar
"No Serving Spirits After Midnight"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5do4rz/a_bar_owner_and_his_dog/
%
Who does Matthew McConaughey say is the most dangerous group in America?

Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5do051/who_does_matthew_mcconaughey_say_is_the_most/
%
Sheila shows up to work one day, in tears and looking for comfort.

The only person in the office that morning is John, not ideal, but Sheila carries on anyway.  She relays her story to him:
"I left for work this morning, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. We've been married for 10 years and I love him, but he won't go to counseling, and I don't know what to do!"
John waits patiently for her to finish, ponders his response for a few moments and replies, "A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dnycl/sheila_shows_up_to_work_one_day_in_tears_and/
%
What do you call when Batman leaves the church early?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dnvvh/what_do_you_call_when_batman_leaves_the_church/
%
Somebody left their Scrabble game in the middle of the road.

At least that's the word on the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dnuvi/somebody_left_their_scrabble_game_in_the_middle/
%
TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...
FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!
FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really keep me going, so thanks to you too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dnuv1/til_sugar_is_the_only_word_in_the_english/
%
Wives are like grenades...

Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dnt9d/wives_are_like_grenades/
%
I accidentally swallowed some thread a few days ago, and passed it out today.

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dno7n/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_thread_a_few_days/
%
Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin went fishing...

After a couple of hours, Obama was flinging his arms around, swatting mosquitos away, while Putin sat there, watching the pond, unbothered.
"How is it, that these bloodsuckers only target my blood reserves?" Asked Obama. "They don't bite you at all!"
Putin smiled knowingly and replied: "They're not allowed to".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dnlun/barack_obama_and_vladimir_putin_went_fishing/
%
I tried talking to this hot girl and she put her hand up and said I only think with my dick

So I told her to blow my mind, then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dnlft/i_tried_talking_to_this_hot_girl_and_she_put_her/
%
This 14 yr old girl in the news that is being frozen cryogenically, her Mother wanted to comply with her wishes, but her Father didn't...

Does he just have to let it go?..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dnket/this_14_yr_old_girl_in_the_news_that_is_being/
%
A perfect man and a perfect woman are going on a vacation on a perfect sunny day.

On the way, out in the open miles away from anywhere, they see Santa Clause with his thumb out on the side of the road, stranded.
Being the perfect couple they are, and the person in question being jolly ole’ saint nick himself, they offer him a ride and go on their jolly way until the driver loses control of the vehicle and crashes into a tree.
There is only one survivor.
&nbsp;
Q: Who was the survivor?
A: [The woman, of course, because everyone knows Santa Clause doesn’t exist, and neither does the perfect man.](#s)
&nbsp;
Okay, if you’re a woman, that’s the end of the joke. STOP READING! There is nothing for you anymore and you can return to browsing reddit. Again, STOP READING IF YOU'RE A WOMAN!
&nbsp;
Go Away.
&nbsp;
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&nbsp;
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&nbsp;
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Are the women gone?
[Okay, so since the only real person was the woman that means she was also the one driving the car, which makes sense since even the most perfect woman in the world would be a terrible driver.](#s)
[Also, if you’re a woman and reading this it just goes to prove that women JUST DON’T LISTEN.](#s)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dnjuf/a_perfect_man_and_a_perfect_woman_are_going_on_a/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar...

The barman says "sorry, we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dnja4/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My friends and I used to love a good game of Russian Roulette.

Unfortunately, they're a bunch of sore losers and won't play it with me anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dnit9/my_friends_and_i_used_to_love_a_good_game_of/
%
What's the difference between a mining company and priests?

A mining company puts miners in shafts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dndnc/whats_the_difference_between_a_mining_company_and/
%
As I dropped my child off at school today I said, be positive

If the race war starts before I get back, that's your blood type

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dncrz/as_i_dropped_my_child_off_at_school_today_i_said/
%
A hot dog walks into a bar

The bartender says, "We don't serve sandwiches here."
The hot dog says, "That's ok. I came for the roast beef."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dnc8n/a_hot_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
%
John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God:  "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John:  Yeah, trumpets.
God:  "Never mind.  They'll know."﻿
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^^copied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dnbhg/john_while_writing_revelations_so_lord_the_end/
%
Why was the surfer such a bad cook?

All he could handle was the microwave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dnb95/why_was_the_surfer_such_a_bad_cook/
%
What's a Russian's favorite food?

Vladimir Poutine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dn7x5/whats_a_russians_favorite_food/
%
What did NaCl go to prison for?

A-salt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dn4t4/what_did_nacl_go_to_prison_for/
%
How many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

4... one to drop it and three to PICK IT UP, PICK IT UP, PICK IT UUUUUUUP!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dn1hj/how_many_ska_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What’s the biggest difference between men and women?

The phrase “I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film.” is a good place to start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmx7z/whats_the_biggest_difference_between_men_and_women/
%
What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?

Spare ribs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmx7h/what_did_the_skeleton_order_at_the_restaurant/
%
When I was a kid, I use to think a "sexual predator" was a horny alien from the movie "predator"

Turns out my uncle just liked to collect movie costumes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmvtv/when_i_was_a_kid_i_use_to_think_a_sexual_predator/
%
A roman walks into a bar...

holds up two fingers and says "five beers please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmv88/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
They say every 2 out of 3 people live next door to a pedophile

Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 8 year olds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmuu1/they_say_every_2_out_of_3_people_live_next_door/
%
Do flashers have dreams

where they leave the house and suddenly realize they’ve got their pants on?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmo1v/do_flashers_have_dreams/
%
The Pope dies and goes to Heaven...

When he gets there, he finds he's being judged at the same time as Donald Trump. Saint Peter declares that the pope is going to hell and Trump is going to heaven. The pope is outraged and asks how someone as pious as he is going to hell, and someone like Trump could achieve heaven. "Well," says Saint Peter. "When you were elected, you didn't do that much to increase piety in the world. But Donald Trump? After he was elected, we couldn't believe how much the Americans were praying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmnp3/the_pope_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
My kid swallowed a torch today...

It's ok - it was removed and now he's delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmmbr/my_kid_swallowed_a_torch_today/
%
Why don't Muslims eat pigs?

Even they know cannibalism is wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmlmh/why_dont_muslims_eat_pigs/
%
The people of Pompeii...

Mannequin challenge champions since 79AD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmjr3/the_people_of_pompeii/
%
How do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmhpz/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
Hunny, you don't need make up.

You need plastic surgery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmhk1/hunny_you_dont_need_make_up/
%
During the Korean War

My grandfather was deployed to South Korea when North Korea attacked. He was, by all accounts, a terrible gunner. He struggled to hit enemy tanks and even if his shell did hit, as if some curse was upon him, the shell would either be a dud or fail to pierce through the enemy's armour. Despite this, his crew still managed to survive the initial onslaught. He was there when the army finally pushed the North Koreans back.
However, they had to face a new enemy, the Chinese, who were threatened by American military presence on their border. For some inexplicable reason, when the Chinese tanks came, my grandfather suddenly became a sharpshooter. He hit almost every enemy tank his crew came upon and destroyed enemy tanks from record-breaking distances. His crewmates were a little shocked, and asked him what caused the sudden change. "This time," my grandfather replied, "there's a chink in their armour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmgti/during_the_korean_war/
%
I hate it when kids say that they hate vegetables.

Like what the hell did Steven Hawking do to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmgn1/i_hate_it_when_kids_say_that_they_hate_vegetables/
%
What do you call it when a pickle masturbates?

Gherkin off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmgmm/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_pickle_masturbates/
%
Can I tell you a joke about the wall?

Nevermind you'll never get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmfce/can_i_tell_you_a_joke_about_the_wall/
%
Went on a weird blind date

We met at a place downtown. My date introduced himself as Tim.
"So Tim, what do you do for a living?"
He hesitated for a second, "I work for the thought police."
I was clearly taken aback.
Tim: "Now, before you say anything...I know what you're thinking..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmf9z/went_on_a_weird_blind_date/
%
Trump has just been debriefed about the aliens in area 51

he wants them deported immediately

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmf6g/trump_has_just_been_debriefed_about_the_aliens_in/
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[Offensive] What do you get when you cross a bowl of fruit and the holocaust?

Orange Jews from concentrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmeh2/offensive_what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_bowl/
%
What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmdbc/what_does_donald_trump_say_when_he_cant_find_his/
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If you got a butcher who is 6'2, what does he weigh?

Meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmavj/if_you_got_a_butcher_who_is_62_what_does_he_weigh/
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Two priests are out driving one day, when they get pulled over by a police officer...

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver, " Sorry to pull you over father, but we're currently searching for two child molesters."
The two priests turn and look at each other for a few moments and then the driver turns back to the cop and responds, "Alright officer, we'll do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dmai8/two_priests_are_out_driving_one_day_when_they_get/
%
I got arrested for playing chess in the street..

I said its because im black isnt it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dm84k/i_got_arrested_for_playing_chess_in_the_street/
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A naked man is walking down the street with a woman on his back...

A guy on the other side of the street yells at him "Hey! What are you doing!?"
The naked man replies, "Don't get all upset. I'm headed to a costume party!"
"As what?" asks the guy.
"As a tortoise! Can't you tell?"
"Well, what's the woman doing on your back?"
"Oh that's just Michelle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dm7je/a_naked_man_is_walking_down_the_street_with_a/
%
Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He received the gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dm6nf/why_did_hitler_commit_suicide/
%
It was only when I was wearing all sixteen watches that I bought

that I realised I have far too much time on my hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dm5og/it_was_only_when_i_was_wearing_all_sixteen/
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I used to be a father...

But one of the altar boys reported me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dm3wl/i_used_to_be_a_father/
%
It's my wife's birthday and I bought her slippers and a dildo.

In case she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dm2j0/its_my_wifes_birthday_and_i_bought_her_slippers/
%
I wish my lawn was emo

So it would cut itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dm1rj/i_wish_my_lawn_was_emo/
%
The roulette dealer had a unique personality.

He had a different spin on everything.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dlzfw/the_roulette_dealer_had_a_unique_personality/
%
A man walks into an Arabic book store

He asks, "Hello Sir, do you happen to have a copy of that book which explains Donald Trump's policy guide towards Muslims?"
The employee raises his voice, exclaiming, "Get the fuck out of here! And stay out!"
The man replies, "Yes, I think that's the name".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dly1e/a_man_walks_into_an_arabic_book_store/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. She just holds the lightbulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dlvm1/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dlu56/i_threw_a_boomerang_a_few_years_ago/
%
A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.

"Holy F**k" she screams "and you want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dlr2h/a_little_girl_walks_into_her_parents_bedroom/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong socks today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dloq1/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
Today my girlfriend yelled today saying: "You weren't even listening just now, were you?"

What a weird way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dlmn1/today_my_girlfriend_yelled_today_saying_you/
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I held the door open for a clown today...

...it was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dlloy/i_held_the_door_open_for_a_clown_today/
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A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"
The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"
The black guy says "You're joking."
The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dlkhi/a_black_guys_walks_into_a_bank/
%
I tried making a belt that had a watch for a buckle ...

it was a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dljom/i_tried_making_a_belt_that_had_a_watch_for_a/
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Oooooo Eeeeee Oooooo Ahhh Ahhh Ting Tang...

I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a Witch Doctor.
“Why do you want to do that?” I asked.
“Pwobabwy for financial secuwity,” she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dlgra/oooooo_eeeeee_oooooo_ahhh_ahhh_ting_tang/
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So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn't have a life insurance

His answer? "Because I want you to be truly sad when I'm gone" :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dlfq8/so_i_asked_my_grandfather_why_he_doesnt_have_a/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?"
The pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dlfl5/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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The doctor gave me 1 month to live

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dlfj2/the_doctor_gave_me_1_month_to_live/
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The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change

In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dlesm/the_coal_industry_has_been_under_a_lot_of/
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What do transgender cannibals call the blood of Christ?

Cross dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dld92/what_do_transgender_cannibals_call_the_blood_of/
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I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position

Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dlbzc/i_got_fired_from_my_last_job_for_arranging_the/
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One day there was a fire in a wastebasket in the office of the Dean of Sciences. In rushed a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician.

The physicist immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be removed from the fire to stop the combustion.
The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.
While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other wastebaskets in the office. "What are you doing?" the others demand. The statistician replies, "Well, to solve the problem, you obviously need a larger sample size."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dl9mp/one_day_there_was_a_fire_in_a_wastebasket_in_the/
%
I accidentally fell off a 50-foot ladder

but good thing I was only on the 3rd step

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dl8z5/i_accidentally_fell_off_a_50foot_ladder/
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How many leftists does it take to change a lightbulb?

8,000 to protest against the broken lightbulb but 0 to realize it won't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dl74m/how_many_leftists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Vampires at the bar

Rich Vampire: I want a fresh blood from a healthy human!
Ordinary Vampire: Ordinary blood please!
Poor Vampire: Excuse me! Can you give me a hot water? I'll make tea instead. (pulls out tampon)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dl5l0/vampires_at_the_bar/
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Two priests are on a plane

So two priests are flying with a planeload of Sunday school kids to the Vatican to meet the Pope. Halfway across the Atlantic the pilot tells them that the plane is going to crash and that there are only two parachutes.
One priest turns to the other and says, “grab the chutes and we’ll jump!”
“What about the children?” Replies the other priest.
“Fuck the children!” Yells the older priest.
The younger one says, “do you think we have time?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dl49k/two_priests_are_on_a_plane/
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A veteran's son asks him "Dad, did you get shot in the army?"

The dad replies, "Nope! But I got shot in the leggy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dl350/a_veterans_son_asks_him_dad_did_you_get_shot_in/
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Two men escaping an asylum

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum and one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape!
So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling
So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But, the second guy just shakes his head. He says "What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."
- A clown with a broken neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dl1uv/two_men_escaping_an_asylum/
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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dl0oi/a_woman_is_having_an_affair_during_the_day_while/
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What do you call a black woman whose had 7 abortions?

A crime fighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dkyqw/what_do_you_call_a_black_woman_whose_had_7/
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Whenever i get job applications, the first thing i do is throw half of them in the trash.

I don't want to hire any unlucky people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dky72/whenever_i_get_job_applications_the_first_thing_i/
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As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself...

This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dkxh1/as_i_spread_my_girlfriends_legs_i_thought_to/
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So the other day I was standing in a line for an ATM...

There was an old lady there who looked like she had absolutely no clue what she was doing, after a bit of fumbling with the keys, she turned to me and said, "You look like a helpful young lad, Could you help me check my balance."
So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dku20/so_the_other_day_i_was_standing_in_a_line_for_an/
%
Another guy goes for a job interview...

He presents his resume, it's solid, the interview goes exceedingly well and finally, his potential boss asks, "So what is your biggest weakness?" The man replies, "Well, I'm too honest." The Boss replies, "I don't think that's such a bad weakness." The man replies, "I really don't give a shit what you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dktko/another_guy_goes_for_a_job_interview/
%
Peter is staring up at Jesus on the cross.

Suddenly their eyes meet and Jesus calls out, "Peter! Peter!"
Peter runs to the foot of the cross but he is beaten and forced back by the Roman guards. Once again he looks up when he hears his savior cry, "Peter. Peter."
Jesus's voice is much weaker now and that spurs Peter up the hill to the foot of the cross where he is again beaten and forced back down the hill.
"Peter... Peter." The voice is very weak now and in desperation Peter fights his way to the cross, climbs up near Jesus's head and says, "Yes, My Lord?"
"Peter, I can see your house from here..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dktie/peter_is_staring_up_at_jesus_on_the_cross/
%
How do you start a rave in Uganda?

Tape a slice of bread to the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dkr82/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_uganda/
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The difference between men and women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie, she accepts, and they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and..........
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says. Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
~ Dave Barry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dkoh1/the_difference_between_men_and_women/
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A doctor and an engineer both want to date the same girl.

The doctor decides to make a move, so gives her a rose. Meanwhile the engineer chooses to give her an apple daily.
Doctor: "Why you give her an apple everyday?"
Engineer: "Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away!"
I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dkjas/a_doctor_and_an_engineer_both_want_to_date_the/
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I for one

is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dkj44/i_for_one/
%
You can tell that Donald Trump isn't Amish

...because he is terrible at building a Cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dkf1r/you_can_tell_that_donald_trump_isnt_amish/
%
What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have gonorrhea?

Getting the news from your dentist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dk5v2/whats_worse_than_your_doctor_telling_you_that_you/
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They'll just beat the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dk59a/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Why can't americans play LoL?

They can't guard their towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dk4w9/why_cant_americans_play_lol/
%
[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djym6/walks_into_a_bar_a_forgetful_women_of_three/
%
We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year.

We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner,  murder them, and take their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djvkr/were_having_a_traditional_thanksgiving_this_year/
%
Just found out I'm color blind..

It came out of the purple!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djv37/just_found_out_im_color_blind/
%
I only believe 12.5% of the Bible...

which means that I'm an eightheist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djul4/i_only_believe_125_of_the_bible/
%
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djtgs/i_accidentally_swallowed_a_handful_of_scrabble/
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Why is the brain always anxious?

It's part of the nervous system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djs8f/why_is_the_brain_always_anxious/
%
What rock group has 4 men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djqrc/what_rock_group_has_4_men_that_dont_sing/
%
What do you call it when Einstein faps?

A stroke of genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djqaz/what_do_you_call_it_when_einstein_faps/
%
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb

One American to hire a Mexican to change the bulb and other 323.99 million to complain about outsiders stealing their jobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djoql/how_many_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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A mushroom walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey! Get outta here! We don't serve your kind!" The mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djoi6/a_mushroom_walks_into_a_bar/
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[Blonde] A blonde comes home early and finds her husband with another girl...

...so she runs out of the room and the husband follows her. She gets to the kitchen and grabs a gun from the drawer and points it at her head. The husband starts crying as tells her, "Wait don't do it I still love you it was just a mistake!" The blonde replies, "Shut up you're next!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djnsk/blonde_a_blonde_comes_home_early_and_finds_her/
%
My wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted...

Oh well, better get back to it I suppose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djkys/my_wife_thinks_our_sex_life_has_got_boring_and_im/
%
A Texan walks into an Irish pub.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djj34/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_pub/
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Don't bet against Johnny

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djix2/dont_bet_against_johnny/
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A Muslim guy dropped his wallet...

A Muslim guy dropped his wallet today so I ran after him and handed it to him. He said, "Thank you so much" then he added in a low voice, "don't go to the next Manchester United game".
"Why?" I asked.
"Because they're boring and shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djiqf/a_muslim_guy_dropped_his_wallet/
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A Mosquito landed on my wife's face...

Easiest decision of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djg12/a_mosquito_landed_on_my_wifes_face/
%
Most women would be happy to be woken up on their birthday with breakfast in bed, flowers and 20 minutes of great oral sex!

But Oh no! Not my sister!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djets/most_women_would_be_happy_to_be_woken_up_on_their/
%
Grandma and her birth control pills

Grandma scheduled the first visit with the new doctor in town.  The doctor's office told her to bring a list of her medications with her for the consultation.  The doctor was reading the list and came upon one prescription.  "Pardon me, but do you realize these are birth control pills?" asked the doctor.  Grandma said, "yes, but I need them so I can get a good night's sleep."
The doctor said, "there's nothing in these pills which would cause you to sleep."  Grandma said, "that may well be, but, when I take one and grind it up in my 16-year-old granddaughter's orange juice, I sleep better at night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djeb0/grandma_and_her_birth_control_pills/
%
Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist.

And he says I'm fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djdvj/thought_all_these_voices_in_my_head_meant_i_was/
%
Today I said to my 7 yr old daughter - there are only two things in the universe mass and energy, do you know what the difference between mass and energy is? She jumped off of her chair and said yes!....

You are mass and I am energy, she said pointing at my belly and laughing...
I think she'll be alright, I have a feeling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djcei/today_i_said_to_my_7_yr_old_daughter_there_are/
%
A man isn't complete until he's married.

Then, he's finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5djau0/a_man_isnt_complete_until_hes_married/
%
Why are white prisoners scarier than black prisoners?

The white guy might actually be guilty.
(Stolen from a comment by /u/CanadianWildlifeDept)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dj6uo/why_are_white_prisoners_scarier_than_black/
%
I went to a restaurant last night and had the Wookie steak...

It was a little Chewy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dj2lj/i_went_to_a_restaurant_last_night_and_had_the/
%
Exit signs are all the rage these days

But I think they're on the way out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dj1jq/exit_signs_are_all_the_rage_these_days/
%
The toilets at the philosophy convention were clogged.

That was some deep shit man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dj11w/the_toilets_at_the_philosophy_convention_were/
%
Drinking Light Beer is like going down on your sister..

it tastes the same, but just isn't right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5diu62/drinking_light_beer_is_like_going_down_on_your/
%
How well do people with mesothelioma breathe?

Asbestos they can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dim54/how_well_do_people_with_mesothelioma_breathe/
%
Who are the world's fastest readers?

9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 10 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dily7/who_are_the_worlds_fastest_readers/
%
Yo Mama So Poor....

She can't afford to fly off the handle, when she gets mad, she has to greyhound off the handle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dila9/yo_mama_so_poor/
%
Remember when President-Elect Trump said immigrants were going to take our jobs?

It's all true! Just ask Michelle Obama!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dik2x/remember_when_presidentelect_trump_said/
%
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year

, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dijk5/buddy_and_his_wife_edna_went_to_the_state_fair/
%
I didn't expect a bug to crawl out of my Meth stash...

But it just came out of the blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5diigv/i_didnt_expect_a_bug_to_crawl_out_of_my_meth_stash/
%
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys

Well not to brag or anything but
I'm bad at everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dighk/hey_girl_i_heard_you_like_bad_boys/
%
Donald Trump is such a good salesman he could sell ice to the Eskimos.

Which will come in handy considering his policies on global warming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5diemc/donald_trump_is_such_a_good_salesman_he_could/
%
When two vegetarians are arguing

Is it still considered beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5di9sw/when_two_vegetarians_are_arguing/
%
People say that sex ed classes in America are uncomfortable. But I think that history classes in Germany are worse.

"Hey kids, you'll never guess what your grandparents did..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5di97i/people_say_that_sex_ed_classes_in_america_are/
%
What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby?

You're just going to have to be a little patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5di80e/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_midget_waiting_in/
%
How do you start a conversation with a bunch of idiots?

HELLLOOOOO AMERICA!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5di3fd/how_do_you_start_a_conversation_with_a_bunch_of/
%
Where do poor noodles live?

The spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dhwl6/where_do_poor_noodles_live/
%
This blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work.

She knocks on one door and a handsome older man opens it up.
"Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"
He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.
"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."
"Sure, sounds great!"
The man closes the door, chuckling at what a great deal he's just brokered. Half an hour later, there's another knock at the door. He opens it up and there's the blonde.
"You're finished already?" he asked her incredulously.
"Yeah! It isn't really that big! But I think you should know, that's not a porch. It's a Jaguar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dhvms/this_blonde_is_going_door_to_door_trying_to_find/
%
Can anyone help me. I don't know where to park my boat and all the other captains are making fun of me.

im under alot of pier pressure!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dhu2z/can_anyone_help_me_i_dont_know_where_to_park_my/
%
I don't understand why men are so worried about erectile dysfunction.

I mean, it can't be that hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dhspn/i_dont_understand_why_men_are_so_worried_about/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dhrzx/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dhquc/why_do_riot_police_like_to_get_to_work_early/
%
Where do volcanoes go to relieve themselves?

The lavatory, of course!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dhqns/where_do_volcanoes_go_to_relieve_themselves/
%
Want to know the secret to killing two birds with one stone?

Throw it twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dhpeg/want_to_know_the_secret_to_killing_two_birds_with/
%
I keep getting claustrophobic in elevators.

I've been taking steps to avoid it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dho7z/i_keep_getting_claustrophobic_in_elevators/
%
I dated a half Asian girl

Her mom was Korean
Her dad was Korean
Her legs got ripped off in the car accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dhgvp/i_dated_a_half_asian_girl/
%
What's the difference between a final exam and an orgy?

In an orgy, you fuck and then get tested. In a final exam, you get tested and then you're fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dhgmu/whats_the_difference_between_a_final_exam_and_an/
%
I got in touch with my inner self this morning.

That's the last time I'm buying the cheap toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dhd0c/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_this_morning/
%
My boss told me to have a good day...

So I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dhbef/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
%
My friend asked me if i want some Sodium Bromate.

But I said : "NaBrO"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dhae5/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_want_some_sodium_bromate/
%
Why is the Vagina like the weather?

Once it's wet, it's time to go inside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dh808/why_is_the_vagina_like_the_weather/
%
A guy arrives at a drive through...

A guy arrives at a drive through but when he gets to the window, the cashier hits him in the face.
&nbsp;
Guy: What was that for? I thought this was a drive through!
&nbsp;
Cashier: No, this is the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dh7rx/a_guy_arrives_at_a_drive_through/
%
Earliest-known Ten Commandments tablet sells at auction for $850000

Bumping Apple off the top spot for most expensive mobile device without a headphone jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dh7ls/earliestknown_ten_commandments_tablet_sells_at/
%
A man walks into a barber shop looking to get a clean shave

. The barber gives him a small wooden egg and tells him to put it under his cheek to help with the shave.
The man is skeptical at first but he inserts it into his mouth and sure enough, the shave is done beautifully with no nicks or scratches. The man, thrilled at this discovery says, "This thing it's great! Tell me, what happens if I swallow it by accident?"
The barber just smiles and says, "In that case, you just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dh72x/a_man_walks_into_a_barber_shop_looking_to_get_a/
%
Jesus was definitely a black man.

He never once saw his father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dh6b1/jesus_was_definitely_a_black_man/
%
Flight Attendant: Would you like some headphones?

Man: Yes, and how did you know my name was Phones?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dh5ok/flight_attendant_would_you_like_some_headphones/
%
Why did the emo kid leave the bar?

It was happy hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dh5c5/why_did_the_emo_kid_leave_the_bar/
%
There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid.

Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dh3ei/there_was_a_maniac_in_town_earlier_today/
%
The Tale of the Bacon Tree

Two guys are lost in the desert, wandering in the hot sun, starving and dying of thirst. They're about to lie down and give up when all of a sudden one of them says, "H..H...Hey...do you smell bacon?"
The other one says, "Yeah...I do smell bacon. What is that?"
So the two gather their strength, drag themselves slowly over the next dune, and there in the distance, rippling in the heat, they see a tree covered in bacon. There's raw bacon, fried bacon, back bacon, double-smoked bacon...every imaginable kind.
The first guy hoarsely whispers, "I think we're saved. It's a bacon tree!"
The other guy says, "No...it must be a mirage. Who ever heard of a bacon tree? We're in the desert, after all."
The first guy says, "Yeah, but when has a mirage ever smelled like bacon? It must be a bacon tree!"
He steels himself and, wavering, slowly lifts himself from the ground until he's standing, unsteady but resolved. Slowly putting one foot in front of the other into the hot sand, he moves forward toward the tree. He makes slow, staggering progress. His friend crawls behind him, barely able to see.
After some time, getting closer, closer, closer, the first guy gets to within a few feet of the tree when suddenly a machine gun opens up and he drops to the ground, mortally wounded.
"Stay back! Stay back!" he hoarsely yells to his friend. "You're right! It's not a bacon tree?"
His friend shouts back, "It's not a bacon tree? What is it?"
"IT'S A HAM BUSH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dh1q7/the_tale_of_the_bacon_tree/
%
I'm having a hard time trying to decide on which pencil to use for my English literature exam.

2B or not 2B - that is the question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dh18h/im_having_a_hard_time_trying_to_decide_on_which/
%
Can't wait to read Trump's political memoir

Dreams of my Daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dh0xi/cant_wait_to_read_trumps_political_memoir/
%
I used to be indecisive...

...but now I'm not so sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dh0p2/i_used_to_be_indecisive/
%
Guy goes up to a produce stock boy and says...

"I want half a head of lettuce. Can you do that for me?" The stock boy says, "Just a minute," and heads off the back room. He finds the produce manager and says, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." Something makes him look back and he sees that the customer has followed him and is standing right behind him. "And this kind gentleman," he continues, "has agreed to buy the other half!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dgz48/guy_goes_up_to_a_produce_stock_boy_and_says/
%
Donald Trump is the only person in the world who achieved this and made a history.

He won an argument against a woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dgytl/donald_trump_is_the_only_person_in_the_world_who/
%
After writing Revelations, John ask God...

"Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"
"*No, by Trump/Pence.*"
"Right, so trumpets."
"*Fuck it, they'll figure it out.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dgxea/after_writing_revelations_john_ask_god/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotopus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dgvq6/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
There are two goldfish in a tank

One fish turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dgvbv/there_are_two_goldfish_in_a_tank/
%
I'm really good at misleading people.

Or am I?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dgtlp/im_really_good_at_misleading_people/
%
I bought some ginger biscuits.

Fussy guy didn't even eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dgsn7/i_bought_some_ginger_biscuits/
%
A man walks into a barber shop..

A man walks into a barber shop looking to get a clean shave. The barber gives him a small wooden egg and tells him to put it under his cheek to help with the shave. The man is skeptical at first but he inserts it into his mouth and sure enough, the shave is done beautifully with no nicks or scratches. The man, thrilled at this discovery says, "This thing it's great! Tell me, what happens if I swallow it by accident?" The barber just smiles and says, "In that case, you just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dgslz/a_man_walks_into_a_barber_shop/
%
I can't wait until humans move to a new planet and someone says, 'Remember having 24-hour days?'

and some jerk responds, 'First world problems.'
-Geoffrey Asmus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dgrrq/i_cant_wait_until_humans_move_to_a_new_planet_and/
%
My dad's joke.

'Did you know there were Female hormones in beer?'
Because, if you start drinking too much.
You don't have the ability to drive, and you get fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dgpuv/my_dads_joke/
%
When life gives you melons...

You're probably dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dglsy/when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . .

That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dgk2f/i_saw_an_alarming_stat_the_other_day_apparently/
%
Everyone keeps saying they hate the smell of moth balls

But I just keep wondering how they spread those tiny legs apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dgi82/everyone_keeps_saying_they_hate_the_smell_of_moth/
%
A man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful girl...

A man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful girl. He said to her, "you're pretty!" "I know." She said, arrogantly. "You have a beautiful figure!" "I know." She said again. "It must be nice to be born with such beautiful features!" He said. "It is." she replied. "And then there's me, I was born a liar." He said, before promptly leaving the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dge1g/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_and_saw_a_beautiful_girl/
%
Did you hear about the Jewish man who loves tea?

Hebrews regularly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dg9o3/did_you_hear_about_the_jewish_man_who_loves_tea/
%
My girlfriend pegged me for the first time last night.

The sex was great, but I don't know why she insisted on wearing an eye patch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dg6v6/my_girlfriend_pegged_me_for_the_first_time_last/
%
[Long] [NSFW] People sitting on a bench.

A zoophiliac, a sadist, a serial killer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are all sitting on a bench when a cat walks by.
The zoophilac says: "Hey! Let's have sex with the cat!"
The Sadist says: "Okay. Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it."
Then the serial killer says: "Okay. Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it."
Then the necrophiliac says: "Okay. Let's have sex with the cat, torture it,  kill it, and then have sex with it again."
The the pyromaniac says: "Okay. Let's have sex with the cat, torture it,  kill it, have sex with it again, and then set it on fire."
And the masochist says: "MEOW!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dg61j/long_nsfw_people_sitting_on_a_bench/
%
Why did one european country eat the other?

Because it was Hungary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dg5xm/why_did_one_european_country_eat_the_other/
%
Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dg5w3/why_do_women_fake_orgasms/
%
A man goes into a job interview

, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dg5rd/a_man_goes_into_a_job_interview/
%
An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Man walk into a bar

The Hobbit laughs at them and walks under it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dg5p0/an_elf_a_dwarf_and_a_man_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A lesbian couple asked me if I would like to make them parents.

I never thought adoption could be so exciting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dg3bg/a_lesbian_couple_asked_me_if_i_would_like_to_make/
%
What even is Atheism?

A non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dg37m/what_even_is_atheism/
%
Why couldn't anyone trust the snowman to do anything?

He was kinda flakey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dg2zi/why_couldnt_anyone_trust_the_snowman_to_do/
%
'Vegetarian' is an old Indian word ...

... for 'bad hunter'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dg2xh/vegetarian_is_an_old_indian_word/
%
If you want an adrenaline rush, you should go camping...

It's in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dfw93/if_you_want_an_adrenaline_rush_you_should_go/
%
What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White Vans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dfvfx/what_kind_of_shoes_does_a_pedophile_wear/
%
Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dfvg4/donald_trump_has_decided_to_take_just_1_as_his/
%
What kind of shoes do thieves wear?

Sneakers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dfvcx/what_kind_of_shoes_do_thieves_wear/
%
Children are so unappreciative these days.

I bought my daughter a rabbit.
She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dfisp/children_are_so_unappreciative_these_days/
%
This guy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar....

I said, “Is that a fret?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dfhxa/this_guy_said_he_was_going_to_hit_me_with_the/
%
I'd follow humor pages on facebook

but most of the time I see a joke, I've already reddit before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dffyx/id_follow_humor_pages_on_facebook/
%
How many nihilists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dfeh6/how_many_nihilists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What is Donald Trump's favourite movie?

Wall-E

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dfdta/what_is_donald_trumps_favourite_movie/
%
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married...

I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dfcnr/ive_fallen_in_love_with_a_pencil_and_were_getting/
%
An in-depth test to see if you know how to avoid Clickbait

Apparently not!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dfa0m/an_indepth_test_to_see_if_you_know_how_to_avoid/
%
A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer are about to be guillotined...

When it's the priest's turn,
the executioner pulls the rope on the guillotine and the blade gets 1/4 inch away from the priest's neck before snapping back up.  The priest is unscathed.
The crowd roars, "It's a miracle! Let him go!"  And the priest goes free.
Then it's the rabbi's turn.  The executioner pulls the rope on the guillotine and the blade gets 1/4 inch away from the rabbi's neck before snapping back up.  The rabbi is unscathed.
The crowd roars, "It's a miracle! Let him go!" The rabbi goes free.
Just before they lead the engineer to the guillotine, he looks at it and says, "I can fix that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5df8r0/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_an_engineer_are_about_to_be/
%
"Bedroom" is an anagram of "Boredom"

I found that out while I was having sex with my wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5df6ea/bedroom_is_an_anagram_of_boredom/
%
What's the difference between an elevator and a redditor?

An elevator has a GF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5df4o5/whats_the_difference_between_an_elevator_and_a/
%
Two guys walk into a bar

The third one ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5df3cp/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I'm planning on opening a store that sells string instruments for children.

I'm calling it 'Kiddie Fiddlers'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5df385/im_planning_on_opening_a_store_that_sells_string/
%
Look at all these click bait Jokes...

This one is the worst!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5df1el/look_at_all_these_click_bait_jokes/
%
My friend told me a joke about a clock last week and today I finally got it...

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5df0cy/my_friend_told_me_a_joke_about_a_clock_last_week/
%
How many buddhists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they enlighten themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5df05x/how_many_buddhists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no ideer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dey8o/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
Fishermen...

...are reel men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dey89/fishermen/
%
Why couldn't the physicist get his paper published?

It was a work of friction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5devhw/why_couldnt_the_physicist_get_his_paper_published/
%
Some people don't like vegetable puns...

but I don't carrot all about their opinions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5deutf/some_people_dont_like_vegetable_puns/
%
2 pedophiles are sitting on a bench and a 12-year-old girl runs by...

One turns to the other and says, "Man, I bet she used to be really hot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5deurb/2_pedophiles_are_sitting_on_a_bench_and_a/
%
When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5deuka/when_i_was_a_child_i_remember_lying_in_bed_with/
%
Whats long and hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5deu7m/whats_long_and_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
Amsterdam, 26 October1942, about tea time.

Mr Frank - "Shhhh Quiet everybody ... the Germans are coming".
Anne Frank - "I am too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5deszv/amsterdam_26_october1942_about_tea_time/
%
People are so divided in this country these days. I don't think either side really realizes that until we all come together, despite our differences; until we all tolerate each other and become one....

We'll NEVER get rid of all the immigrants and Muslims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5deqty/people_are_so_divided_in_this_country_these_days/
%
The invention of sex

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"
The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire" and so on and so on and
Then Greek Says: "We invented sex" The Italian says:"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5depy8/the_invention_of_sex/
%
After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired.

Adios, amigo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5depmg/after_a_long_and_distinguished_career_my_french/
%
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office.

I will take it back. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5depct/to_the_person_who_stole_my_microsoft_office/
%
My friend once had the GALL to call me the 'N' word, which really pissed me off.

So I told him, "Hey, ASSHOLE, think twice before calling me a nihilist, you dumb nigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5deo4u/my_friend_once_had_the_gall_to_call_me_the_n_word/
%
Damn girl, if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple...

And if you were a vegetable, I'd visit you in the hospital every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dekh8/damn_girl_if_you_were_a_fruit_youd_be_a_fineapple/
%
There are 3 kinds of people in this world

Those who can count and those who can't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dek1f/there_are_3_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

Because their boobs are too big for b-shells!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dek0u/why_do_mermaids_wear_sea_shells/
%
Abortion jokes aren't funny

Cut it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dejyy/abortion_jokes_arent_funny/
%
A Communist Dies.

And since he was an honest man albeit an atheist, he was sentenced to rotate spending one year in Hell and one year in Heaven. One year passes and Satan says to God: "Take this man as fast as possible. Because he turned all my young demons into Young Pioneers, I have to restore some order." Another year passes and Satan meets God again telling him: "Lord God, it's my turn now." God replies: "First of all, don't call me Lord God, but instead Comrade God; second, there is no God; and one more thing – don't distract me or I'll be late to the Party meeting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dej5s/a_communist_dies/
%
What does a horny assassin do?

Netflix and Kill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5deiuz/what_does_a_horny_assassin_do/
%
What's a Tijuana hooker's favorite president?

El BJ!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5degqj/whats_a_tijuana_hookers_favorite_president/
%
Why are there no black people in the game Clue?

Because then, it would be called Solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dedq9/why_are_there_no_black_people_in_the_game_clue/
%
Kinky Sex

A man at a bar sees a stunning brunette and asks if he can buy her a drink.
She replies "Look buddy, i know what you're trying to do here and let me just tell you that I scare a lot of men because i'm so kinky."
He says "I'm pretty kinky myself, perhaps we could see if we're compatible."
Over a few drinks they decide to go back to her place for some kinky sex.
They walk in to her flat and she sit's him down on the couch and tell's him "Make yourself comfortable, I'll just go and get ready."
She comes back ten minutes later dressed head to toe in black leather, a whip in one hand, a paddle in the other and a 9 inch strap-on dangling between her legs.
Cracking the whip she yells "NOW WE"LL SEE WHO"S KINKIER!"
The guy however is walking to the door.
She says "Hey, I thought we were going to have some kinky sex?"
He replies "I already fucked your cat and shit in your purse, I'm finished."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5decjg/kinky_sex/
%
I'd really, really love to adopt a kid some day.

Abort*
Sorry, I hate auto correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5debx2/id_really_really_love_to_adopt_a_kid_some_day/
%
I don't care.

"I don't care."
"Don't care about what?"
"Anything."
"Why don't you care about anything?"
" 'Cause I'm constipated."
"What does being constipated have to do with not caring?"
"Well, I don't give a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5debks/i_dont_care/
%
A Mafia gang hires a deaf man

A Mafia gang hires a Deaf man to run their deliveries, feeling it would be safer having someone unable to overhear conversations.  However, one day when he is to deliver a large sum of money, he never shows up with it.  The mobsters track him down, but don't find the money on him. Since none of them know sign language, they bring in an interpreter.
The mob boss asks, "Where'd you hide the money?"
The Interpreter signs the question.
The deaf man signs his reply.
The interpreter says, "He says he had to ditch it in the river because the cops were onto him."
The mob boss replies, "I'm not fooling around!  You better tell me where that money is!"
The interpreter translates.
The deaf man signs his reply, and the interpreter relays, "He swears he is telling the truth.  He had to get rid of it."
The mob boss, irate now, pulls out a revolver and points it between the Deaf man's eyes.  "Tell me where that money is, or I'll kill you right now!"
The interpreter signs his statement.
The deaf man, sweating profusely, signs, Ok, ok I'll tell you, it's inside a shoebox under a loose floorboard in my bedroom closet."
The interpreter says, "He says he doesn't know where it is and he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5de9e0/a_mafia_gang_hires_a_deaf_man/
%
I saw an expensive prostitute

She gave me lobsters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5de88k/i_saw_an_expensive_prostitute/
%
What do white supremacists send their toddlers to before kindergarten?

Pre-KKK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5de5yn/what_do_white_supremacists_send_their_toddlers_to/
%
I burnt a lot of calories today…

I set a fat kid on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5de47p/i_burnt_a_lot_of_calories_today/
%
The preacher asked the small boy to show him the way to the post office and the boy courteously obliged

"Thank you", the preacher said. "You are a bright and polite young man. How would you like to listen to my sermon this evening so that I may show you the way to Heaven?"
"You're going to show me the way to Heaven?" the boy said in astonishment."But you don't even know the way to the post office!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5de3j3/the_preacher_asked_the_small_boy_to_show_him_the/
%
A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2,245.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5de2uc/a_young_man_named_chuck_bought_a_horse_from_a/
%
I like my girls like I like my coffee...

Fresh, not matured, and sold from a shady part of South America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5de02j/i_like_my_girls_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
My wife treats me like an idol

she feeds me burnt offerings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ddz4u/my_wife_treats_me_like_an_idol/
%
So much has been going wrong in the USA

You would think it had been built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ddydj/so_much_has_been_going_wrong_in_the_usa/
%
Father I have fallen

There was an old priest in a small town who spent years listening to confessions, most of which had been about adultery. One day he had enough and said "If I get one more confession about adultery I will leave this town."
Now the people really liked the priest and didn't wanna see him leave so they decided to start calling adultery something else. Eventually the word fallen replaced the word adultery, and people would confess to having fallen. This satisfied the priest and he stayed in that town for many more years until his eventual death.
After his death a new priest came to town and after a week came to the mayor. "Mr. Mayor you must do something about your sidewalks. Ive had a dozen people come to me saying they've fallen. At this point the Mayor starts laughing, realizing that no one told the priest what fallen stands for. Before the mayor could say anything the priest interrupts him. "I don't know why you're laughing Mr. Mayor, your wife said she fell five times this week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ddxf2/father_i_have_fallen/
%
An angry Hillary storms into Satan's office and yells

"You told me I was going to win!"
Satan looks up from the paper and says,
"Well, you told me you had a soul."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ddtye/an_angry_hillary_storms_into_satans_office_and/
%
I buy my guns from a man named "T-Rex"

He's a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ddqyi/i_buy_my_guns_from_a_man_named_trex/
%
Why did the thesaurus have a creeping feeling?

He had an antonym.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ddpgx/why_did_the_thesaurus_have_a_creeping_feeling/
%
Why does the hobo only drink coffee?

Because he has no proper tea! Hehehhehahahahhhehveahhs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ddp5j/why_does_the_hobo_only_drink_coffee/
%
There is only two man made objects visible from space. The great wall of china and,

Kim Jong Un's giant ass.
cmon guys I cant do this all by myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ddnuq/there_is_only_two_man_made_objects_visible_from/
%
My buddy is awesome at grilling steaks.

They are all very well done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ddmwk/my_buddy_is_awesome_at_grilling_steaks/
%
I go to the gym religiously.

You know, once or twice a year around the holidays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ddmpc/i_go_to_the_gym_religiously/
%
Monica Lewinsky said it 20 years ago and she said it again this year

Hillary Clinton wasn't the right person for the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ddjt6/monica_lewinsky_said_it_20_years_ago_and_she_said/
%
2 secrets to success

1) Never tell everything you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ddjg2/2_secrets_to_success/
%
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”
“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dddc5/a_woman_caught_her_husband_on_the_weight_scale/
%
How many Trump protestors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter. Trump protestors won't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dd8kc/how_many_trump_protestors_does_it_take_to_change/
%
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

We really *do* taste like chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dd63k/what_did_one_lesbian_frog_say_to_the_other/
%
I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said...

“Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?”
I said, “What are the options?”
She said, “Yes and No.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dd4vn/i_was_on_a_flight_the_other_day_when_the_air/
%
Don't move to Mars because of president-elect Trump.

Last I checked, it was a red state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dd452/dont_move_to_mars_because_of_presidentelect_trump/
%
My parents treat me like a god

They dont believe in me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dd0ko/my_parents_treat_me_like_a_god/
%
The 2 Golden Rules of Religion

1) Be kind to other people.
2) KILL THE FILTHY INFIDELS!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dd096/the_2_golden_rules_of_religion/
%
Ain't no party like a missing child search party

Cause a missing child search party don't stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcyut/aint_no_party_like_a_missing_child_search_party/
%
Always bring a rogue with you when you go to Thailand

They're good at detecting traps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcydj/always_bring_a_rogue_with_you_when_you_go_to/
%
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcxki/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
%
Why aren't eagles allowed to be sick in america?

Because that would be illeagle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcxhi/why_arent_eagles_allowed_to_be_sick_in_america/
%
I had a three way the other night....

Had a couple no shows, but I still had a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcweb/i_had_a_three_way_the_other_night/
%
The Jews may be the "Chosen People"...

... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcvm2/the_jews_may_be_the_chosen_people/
%
I recently broke up with my girlfriend because she would CONSTANTLY accuse me of cheating.

I just can't be with anyone who sounds so much like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcqgc/i_recently_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_because/
%
My girlfriend said my penis is like a tic tac

I asked her why her sister's breath didn't smell good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcn81/my_girlfriend_said_my_penis_is_like_a_tic_tac/
%
A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge."

The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"
The woman replies, "No thanks, but I'll blow you for a toaster."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcmtl/a_woman_walks_into_a_hardware_store_and_says_i/
%
A lady saw a man on the news driving the wrong way down the motorway...

A lady saw a man on the news driving the wrong way down the motorway. She phoned her husband, who also drove that route home, to warn him.
Lady: Be careful on your way back, there's a man driving the wrong way down the motorway.
Husband: Just one?! There's bloody hundreds of them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dckw1/a_lady_saw_a_man_on_the_news_driving_the_wrong/
%
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dck6p/a_flight_is_on_its_way_to_sydney_when_a_blonde_in/
%
Want to hear a quality joke about knives?

On second thought, I can't tell it. It's too edgy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcjlw/want_to_hear_a_quality_joke_about_knives/
%
What's the difference between a horny girl and a hungry girl?

Where she puts the cucumber..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dciaj/whats_the_difference_between_a_horny_girl_and_a/
%
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dchqa/what_does_an_air_conditioner_have_in_common_with/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcghe/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
In history we were asked to give our opinion on the representation of slaves in the United States in the 18th and 19th centuries...

I gave it a 3 out of 5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcg88/in_history_we_were_asked_to_give_our_opinion_on/
%
What do a gay dolphin and a car that leaks oil have in common?

Chances are, both have blown a seal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dceed/what_do_a_gay_dolphin_and_a_car_that_leaks_oil/
%
How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcdxq/how_about_an_indian_joke/
%
Knock knock.

"Who's there?"
"Orange."
"Orange who?"
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
"Orange."
"Orange who?"
Knock knock.
"WHO'S THERE?"
"The president."
"Well, why didn't you just say so?"
"I did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcch1/knock_knock/
%
One day a man decided that he was going to take up shooting...

So he signed up for a concealed carry license class and got his own weapon. When he was done with the classroom portion, they took the class out to the shooting range to shoot some targets. The instructor told them only to shoot the 3 targets across the range. The man hit all 3 directly in the middle and passed the class. On his way out, he saw a target that was completely covered in mold next to the other targets. He asked the instructor if he could shoot it, as the mold didn’t look like a problem and the instructor gave him the go ahead. After unloading an entire clip into the target, the mold didn’t have so much as a divot in it. As he was standing there puzzled, a local shooting legend walked up and shot it, punching a hole right through it. He turned to the man and said, “Only shooting stars break the mold”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcc1y/one_day_a_man_decided_that_he_was_going_to_take/
%
I have this great joke about giving birth..

But I keep messing up the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcbva/i_have_this_great_joke_about_giving_birth/
%
Two old men

decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.**
the madam takes one look at the two old geezers
and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk; i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'
the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?' 'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her..'
his friend says, 'could be worse, i think mine was a
witch.'
'a witch??. . Why would you say that?'
'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dcauj/two_old_men/
%
I couldn't stop sneezing after lunch today.

...I ate a sneezer salad.
(Also this is a true story, and I said this to my office :P)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dc5tr/i_couldnt_stop_sneezing_after_lunch_today/
%
What do you call a Blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dc3jk/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_two_brain_cells/
%
As an airplane is about to crash...

A female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dc1za/as_an_airplane_is_about_to_crash/
%
What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dc1l2/whats_the_best_thing_about_fingering_a_gypsy_on/
%
I just got out of my Geology class.

We studied metamorphic rocks which was Gneiss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dbz8f/i_just_got_out_of_my_geology_class/
%
Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game

Hurt, bloody, but at least my dad came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dbwyv/losing_my_virginity_was_a_lot_like_my_first/
%
A Galaxy Phone, an iPhone and a windows phone fall out a top story window.

The galaxy phone bounces with minor cracks.
The iPhone smashes into dozens of pieces.
The windows phone freezes mid decent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dbumj/a_galaxy_phone_an_iphone_and_a_windows_phone_fall/
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I haven't seen the democrats this mad at republicans...

... Since they freed the slaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dbryq/i_havent_seen_the_democrats_this_mad_at/
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The cock race

A farmer, noticing his old rooster was getting sicker and sicker, decides to buy a new one. He comes back from the animal shop with his brand new cock and puts it in the chicken coop, then leaves.
The new rooster was visiting the coop, gazing at every chicken there, when the older cock came to him.
-''This is my coop, friend.'' he tells him. ''Every chicken here is mine and you don't get to touch them.''
-''Nah old thing, I'm the new boss here, look at you, you're old and tired!''
-''You think I'm tired? Let's race. The first of us to get to the other side of the chicken coop gets to fuck all and every chicken here while the other one gets nothing.''
-''No problem man! I'll beat you so easily!''
-''But wait,'' the old rooster continues, ''As I am older I get to have a head start, like one or two feet.''
-''I'll still beat you eyes closed.''
They both went to a side of the coop, the old cock started running, and the young one did the same shortly after. It had almost caught up the old rooster when the farmer shot it, and said:
"How can I be that unlucky?! Third gay cock this week!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dbr7j/the_cock_race/
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The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around.

Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, "What do you think you're doing?"
The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."
The CEO is furious, "What do you make a week?"
The man tells him, "About $200 a week."
The CEO pulls out his wallet and hand the man $400 and says, "There's your two weeks, now get out of here!" After the man leaves he turns to his employees and asks, "What do you think about that?"
One of the employees stands up and says, "I think he just got the largest tip he's ever gotten on a single pizza."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dbnuu/the_new_ceo_of_a_company_comes_into_work/
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A man arrives at the gates of heaven

. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dbmmr/a_man_arrives_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge....

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"
A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".
"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.
"I'm Vietnamese, we value education I'll be here Monday".
"Ok" says the teacher "Lets try another one: 'Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.'"
This time the hand of little Susie Hou rises.
"Abraham Lincoln"
"Correct Susie." the teacher asserts "Enjoy your day off"
Susie says "Oh no ma'am. I'm Chinese, we also value education I'll be here early on Monday morning".
"Fucking immigrants!" a voice says from the back.
"Who said that?!" the teacher snaps.
"Donald Trump..." says little Johnny "...I'll see ya Tuesday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dbkip/on_friday_an_elementary_school_teacher_poses_her/
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If you run in front of a car, you get tired.

If you run behind it, you get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dbk0j/if_you_run_in_front_of_a_car_you_get_tired/
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Congratulations USA

We have officially gone black and gone back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dbjdo/congratulations_usa/
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First time using a condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dbhs0/first_time_using_a_condom/
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The sore throat

A man, tired and frustrated looking, walks into a private health clinic. He makes an appointment, then waits briefly to be asked in by the doctor.
The doctor asks what the matter seems to be.
The man responds: "Well, my throat's been hurting real bad for the last few weeks. I've been to at least ten other local surgeries and clinics, where I've been told each time that there's nothing wrong with me. But, I swear my throat's still in agony."
"Hmm." The doctor goes, "you don't look too bad, there's no visible swelling, your voice seems normal." while prodding the man's neck with his fingers.
He asks the man to lift up his head, move his head into different positions, and to open his mouth, and to make different noises. He looks down the mans mouth in different lights, he checks his sinuses.
He does all this for about 10 minutes.
Then says "there seems to be nothing of concern."
"Please, doctor," says the man "I have been to so many places, and they've all said the same thing. Is there nothing else you can do?"
The doctor pauses, apparently deep in thought, until he says "OK" and walks over to the wall furthers from the door, bends down and knocks on a now apparent little hatch in skirting board.
He stands up straight, then goes to take a seat.
The patient is fixated on the hatch, which is being opened from the inside to reveal a somewhat large, brown, male cat.
Astounded, the man flicks his eyes up at the doctor, then back at the cat.
The cat starts to walk around him, sniffing. He does this maybe 5 times. Then, he claws his way up the man's shirt, to pitch on the mans shoulder. He gives the man a single lick on his neck, before hopping down. The cat goes over to his hole in the wall, turns to face the doctor, gives two, quick, high pitched mews, then disappears.
The doctor closes the door behind him. "Well. What more d'you want?"
"Something else, of course. That was ridiculous! I demand you do something else! Of value, perhaps this time?"
"So be it." Uttered the doctor.
He walks over to another hatch, much larger, and knocks on the door.
The man watches as a fairly large, dark dog enters the room.
The dog circles the man about 15 times, places his two front paws on the man's lap, then walks back to his hatch, he gives a signal to the doctor with one loud, definite bark. Then leaves.
"As you can see, there's clearly nothing wrong w-"
The doctor is cut short as he sees the man storming off, muttering curses under his breath.
The doctor says to him, in a loud voice, but very calmly "That'll be $5,000."
"WHAT?!?" Exclaimed the man, infuriated. "Is this some kinda joke?!? $5,000 to be sniffed at by some pets!!"
"Sir, we've just performed a cat scan and a lab test. $5,000 is a bargain!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dbc9c/the_sore_throat/
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Three Mice Are Bragging to eachother

The first mouse says: I will eat tons of mouse-poison, but it does nothing to me. The second mouse says, well for me a mouse trap is peanuts! I just pull the lever and take the cheese!
The Third says: Oh you two, stop bragging already! Wait... what time is it? Oh, I have to go home, i have to feed the cat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dbby9/three_mice_are_bragging_to_eachother/
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Why is picture of Jesus better than Jesus himself?

You only need one nail to hang up the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5db65g/why_is_picture_of_jesus_better_than_jesus_himself/
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I can describe my girlfriend and 9/11 in one word

bush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5db3ac/i_can_describe_my_girlfriend_and_911_in_one_word/
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I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said “Sure, if it bothers you, I’ll stop.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5db1xu/i_was_in_the_confessional_booth_today_and_i_asked/
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Is it solipsistic in here?

Or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5db1eq/is_it_solipsistic_in_here/
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I attacked a stranger with a sock full of dead AAA Duracells

Kind of ironic that I was charged with battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5db0vd/i_attacked_a_stranger_with_a_sock_full_of_dead/
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A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"
"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied
The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."
She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."
"What if he's not in heaven? The teacher admonished.
The girl, still drawing "Then you ask him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dayqx/a_little_girl_was_drawing_a_picture_of_jonah/
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A kid had sex with his teacher..

So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dawbw/a_kid_had_sex_with_his_teacher/
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What did Darth Vader do when his iTunes stopped responding?

He force quit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5davkw/what_did_darth_vader_do_when_his_itunes_stopped/
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My girlfriend said she's leaving me because I have a gambling problem

I think she's bluffing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dassc/my_girlfriend_said_shes_leaving_me_because_i_have/
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The Cure for the Common Cold

It's called "The Whiskey and a Hat Trick"
All you need is a bottle of whiskey and a hat.
First, sit on your bed. Place the hat at the foot of the bed. Proceed to drink whiskey until you see two hats, then go to sleep.
If you do this your cold will be gone in just 7 days.
If you don't, it'll last a whole week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5das06/the_cure_for_the_common_cold/
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Three men in line for heaven...

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5darwo/three_men_in_line_for_heaven/
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What are the three rules of being a plumber?

Hot on left; cold on right.
Shit runs downhill.
Never, ever, put your tools in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5darpa/what_are_the_three_rules_of_being_a_plumber/
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I found a rating for the Sun online.

It was only a star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dapu7/i_found_a_rating_for_the_sun_online/
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What is a gay horse's favorite meal?

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dapm8/what_is_a_gay_horses_favorite_meal/
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Look, people... Trump is going to be President, so let's just hold our breath for the next four years.

With any luck, we'll turn blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dapia/look_people_trump_is_going_to_be_president_so/
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A man came home to find his wife in bed with a stranger.

"What the hell are you two doing?" He demanded.
His wife turned to the stranger and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dapec/a_man_came_home_to_find_his_wife_in_bed_with_a/
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A guy moves away from home to go to college.

He lives in a dorm, so he had to leave his cat behind.
One day he calls home and his little brother answers. He asks what's new.
His brother says, "Mittens died."
"Holy shit. Why did you just blurt it out like that?"
"What do you mean?"
"You could have broken it to me slowly, like you could have said that she's on the roof and we can't get her down. Then next time I called, you could have said that she got hurt, and then the next time you could have said that she died. It wouldn't have been such a shock."
"Sorry, I guess I should have broken it to you slowly."
"That's OK. Let me talk to Mom."
"She's up on the roof and we can't get her down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5daltx/a_guy_moves_away_from_home_to_go_to_college/
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Have you heard about the drought in Yemen?

The UN is giving out a lot of Yemen aid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dakmk/have_you_heard_about_the_drought_in_yemen/
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I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5daken/i_have_an_epipen/
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There are two types of people on the planet...

Those who can extrapolate information based upon the given context

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dak68/there_are_two_types_of_people_on_the_planet/
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I’ve got a friend whose nickname is 'shagger'.

You might think that’s pretty cool.
She doesn’t like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dailn/ive_got_a_friend_whose_nickname_is_shagger/
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Three thieves were fleeing the cops

they went inside a potato warehouse and each saw a sack and hid inside.
The cops walked in and saw the first sack and kicked it.  The robber went "meow", so the cop said, oh it's only a cat.
They went to the second sack and kicked it and second robber went 'arf".  So cop said, oh, this one is just a dog.
They saw the third sack and kicked it.  Nothing.  They kicked it again, harder.  Again, silence.
The cop, cocked his gun and prepares to shoot the third sack in which the 3rd robber said-
"I'm supposed to be a potato, godammit, potatoes don't make a sound".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dahkb/three_thieves_were_fleeing_the_cops/
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I just witnessed a kidnapping!

But then he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5daheu/i_just_witnessed_a_kidnapping/
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Where do Jewish kids with ADHD go for help?

To a concentration camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dah1a/where_do_jewish_kids_with_adhd_go_for_help/
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Never feel worthless!

Your organs are worth thousands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5daep1/never_feel_worthless/
%
Had a fight with a one dimensional entity yesterday...

The outcome was pretty one sided.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dacg6/had_a_fight_with_a_one_dimensional_entity/
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Why don’t you see any slow black people?

All the slow ones are in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5dab3l/why_dont_you_see_any_slow_black_people/
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China apologizes for "slanderous" comments about Kim Jong Un.

Says they didn't realize he was a part of their fitness protection program.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5daa5y/china_apologizes_for_slanderous_comments_about/
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I wish to die

peaceful and in sleep like my grandfather and not screaming and afraid like passengers in his bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5daa48/i_wish_to_die/
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Poop jokes aren't my absolute favorite kinds of jokes.

But they're a solid #2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5da7u6/poop_jokes_arent_my_absolute_favorite_kinds_of/
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What has 8 boobs and 30 teeth?

Third shift at Waffle House.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5da76d/what_has_8_boobs_and_30_teeth/
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Trump's first scandal.

Trump has had his first scandal. According to CNN, Donald Trump has gone to a private dinner with his family without alerting the press core. They've called this 'A dangerous breach of protocol and lack of transparency'.
I guess they're worried that he may have given some classified information to his private server.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5da6g1/trumps_first_scandal/
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Just been informed the man who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5da67n/just_been_informed_the_man_who_stole_my_journal/
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What do you call it when a Catholic renovates his kitchen?

A counter reformation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5da4mf/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_catholic_renovates_his/
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Cleaning Day

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies, "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5da45d/cleaning_day/
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A blonde walks in on her husband cheating on her

Sobbing uncontrollably, she pulls out the gun from the drawer and puts the barrel under her chin.
"No, honey! Don't! I'm sorry; don't leave me alone with the kids!"
Glaring through her tears, the blonde yells:
"Oh, don't worry. You're going to be next."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5da3ml/a_blonde_walks_in_on_her_husband_cheating_on_her/
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I dated a guillotine once,

But all she ever wanted was head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5da397/i_dated_a_guillotine_once/
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A girl gives birth to identical twins but has to give them up for adoption.......

One is adopted by a Spanish family and they call him Juan, the other gets adopted by an Indian family and they decide to call him Amahl.
Years go by and one day the mother, full of regret, decides she wants to know what became of her sons so she goes to the adoption agency and asks them to help her track them down.
Eventually they are able to track down Juan and arrange a meeting but they just can't find Amahl. The lady is upset and begins to cry, saying "I wanted to meet both of my boys" to which the adoption worker replies "hey, they're identical twins.... if you've seen Juan you've seen Amahl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5da2ba/a_girl_gives_birth_to_identical_twins_but_has_to/
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Ever have one of those days where you're wiping away and the poo is all wet and slimy so your finger breaks through the toilet roll and your finger just slips inside, like two knuckles deep? I just had a day like that.

Anyway, I'm not allowed to volunteer at *that* child care centre anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5da20q/ever_have_one_of_those_days_where_youre_wiping/
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A couple attending an art exhibition at a local gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused...

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three coal-miners. The one in the middle went home for lunch...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5da0ct/a_couple_attending_an_art_exhibition_at_a_local/
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What disease do elderly dinosaurs get?

Jurassic Parkinsons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9yhu/what_disease_do_elderly_dinosaurs_get/
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Why wouldn't the four month old African stop crying?

He was going through a midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9yfz/why_wouldnt_the_four_month_old_african_stop_crying/
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A dark sense of humor is like a Make-A-Wish child,

never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9wcz/a_dark_sense_of_humor_is_like_a_makeawish_child/
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Two cow talking in a field

The first one ask :
"aren't you afraid about this terrible disease from the neighbor's farm called" mad cow" ? "
The second one looked at her, surprised, and answered :
" I don't care... I'm a rabbit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9vm8/two_cow_talking_in_a_field/
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What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?

Well, for starters I would never pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9u4f/what_is_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a/
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Civil war

To all of the Hillary supporters who are unhappy with the election and would like to start a civil war, just remember, you are on the side that doesn't want any guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9tat/civil_war/
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What's a Mexican's favorite sport?

Cross country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9qsz/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
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You can joke about anything you want, just not Mexicans

That's crossing the border

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9qpy/you_can_joke_about_anything_you_want_just_not/
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What do cannibals call shin meat?

Below knee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9kl4/what_do_cannibals_call_shin_meat/
%
Did you hear about the woman who got those wooden breast implants?

It would make for a good punchline, wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9khr/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_got_those_wooden/
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I'd like to apologize for all of my terrible chemistry jokes.

All of the good ones argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9jsu/id_like_to_apologize_for_all_of_my_terrible/
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A man asks his wife if he can cum in her ear...

She says, "No, I'll go deaf."
He says, "Funny, I always cum in your mouth and you never shut the fuck up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9jm0/a_man_asks_his_wife_if_he_can_cum_in_her_ear/
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Why can't tampons be friends?

They're all stuck-up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9jg1/why_cant_tampons_be_friends/
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A woman is at the checkout line in the grocery store...

And notices the bag boy is a real stud. Thick muscles under his smock, but his gorgeous blue eyes looked bored above his chiseled jaw. She slyly undid her top button to show some cleavage, but he never looked her way. Finally she purrs out a request for him to carry the bags to her car.
As they get to the parking lot she's trying her best to get him to notice her ass. She turns to him, sucks on her finger, places it on his chest and says, "You know, I have an itchy pussy."
The bag boy lets out a sigh and replies, "You'll have to point it out, ma'am.  All these Japanese cars look the same to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9i2b/a_woman_is_at_the_checkout_line_in_the_grocery/
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My girlfriend is like my will to live

Nonexistent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9hwe/my_girlfriend_is_like_my_will_to_live/
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You know what really grinds my gears?

When I shift into third without using the clutch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9ge8/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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A Polish person went to have their eyes tested.

The eye test chart read: N Y X C S F R U Z. The optom asked, ‘can you read any of those letters?’ ‘read it?’ the polish person answered, ‘i know him!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d9bvs/a_polish_person_went_to_have_their_eyes_tested/
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What's the most annoying thing on /r/jokes?

People who post the joke intro twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d98mo/whats_the_most_annoying_thing_on_rjokes/
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A wife came home early and...

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…”
“Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d986l/a_wife_came_home_early_and/
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I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today

I guess I should've cooked it on aloha temperature

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d97bo/i_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
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A man is trying to join a country club with a history of racism

The head of the club says "you may have heard of our reputation, and it does affect who joins". He pulls out a revolver and says "go shoot five black people and one rabbit"
"Why do i have to shoot a rabbit?" Says the man.
"You'll fit in well here" says the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d94hp/a_man_is_trying_to_join_a_country_club_with_a/
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The old lady and the bus driver

There was an old lady that rode the same bus everyday. One day she gets on the bus and says to the driver,
"Hello dear, would you like some of my peanuts?"
The driver, not wanting to be rude, happily accepts, so she gives him a handful of peanuts.
The next day the old lady gets on the same bus and offers the same driver some peanuts. He enjoyed them the day before so, again, he accepts.
This becomes routine for a few weeks.
Once again the old lady gets on the bus and once again she asks the driver,
"Hello dear, would you like some of my peanuts?"
The bus driver, now a little confused by her daily peanut offering, asks the old lady
"Why is it that you bring me peanuts everyday, but you never eat any of the peanuts yourself? Don't you like peanuts?"
to which she replies,
"Oh dear no, peanuts are far too hard to eat ever since I lost all my teeth, they would hurt my gums. I only like them for the chocolate coating"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d91vf/the_old_lady_and_the_bus_driver/
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What do a gallon of milk and the city of Carthage have in common?

Ideally you only have to sack them once, but we should probably sack them again for good measure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d910j/what_do_a_gallon_of_milk_and_the_city_of_carthage/
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Motherfucker sure can drive

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer.  He takes a sip of the beer, swishes it around in his mouth, spits it out, and says "Motherfucker sure can drive".  He finishes the beer the same way.
The man orders another beer.  Same thing.  He takes a sip of the beer, swishes it around in his mouth, spits it out, and says "Motherfucker sure can drive".
Before he orders the next beer, the bartender stops him.  He says, "Listen Buddy.  I can't give you another right now.  You are spitting beer all over my bar.  What's going on?".
The man says "Well, I'm riding shotgun with my buddy down the highway.  We start going up this large hill, and there is a tractor trailer truck in front of us.  My buddy decides to pass him.  As we are passing, we reach the crest of the hill, and notice another tractor trailer heading right for us.  I thought to myself certain death.  I said to my buddy, if you get us out of this, I'll suck your dick".
The guy takes the last sip of his beer, swishes it around in his mouth, spits it out, and says "Motherfucker sure can drive".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8zkv/motherfucker_sure_can_drive/
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My daughter was throwing one of her temper tantrums when she shouted at me...

"Well sorry for being born!"
I looked her straight in the eyes and said, "It's all right, just don't do it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8ulo/my_daughter_was_throwing_one_of_her_temper/
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3 unwritten rules of life

1)
2)
3)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8tac/3_unwritten_rules_of_life/
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"Darling, your teeth are like stars."

"So yellow and so far apart..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8rkm/darling_your_teeth_are_like_stars/
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i got locked in the PBR factory over the weekend...

i did what i had to do to survive and drank my own piss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8r37/i_got_locked_in_the_pbr_factory_over_the_weekend/
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What's the best part about having sex with a transvestite?

Reaching around the front and pretending your dick went all the way through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8opg/whats_the_best_part_about_having_sex_with_a/
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George Washington: We should put 'We trust in God' on our money

Thomas Jefferson: Great idea. Did you get that?
Yoda (taking notes): Yep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8odr/george_washington_we_should_put_we_trust_in_god/
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Why don't cannibals eat Irish men?

Last one they threw into the cooking pot ate all of the potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8nu6/why_dont_cannibals_eat_irish_men/
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I asked my wife for sex recently...

She said, "No, it's a super moon, not a blue one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8npq/i_asked_my_wife_for_sex_recently/
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Terrible advice for a suicide survival hotline:

If at first you don't succeed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8l9e/terrible_advice_for_a_suicide_survival_hotline/
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What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions?

An algorithm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8k3h/what_do_you_get_if_you_ask_a_former_presidential/
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I'm 87 but have the body of a 25-year-old supermodel

But it takes up too much room in my freezer, any suggestions?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8gy7/im_87_but_have_the_body_of_a_25yearold_supermodel/
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My girlfriend said, "We should make love like they do in the movies."

So I shoved my dick in her ass and came on her face.
She got upset. Apparently we watch different movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8fmj/my_girlfriend_said_we_should_make_love_like_they/
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You should never have sex with your family member.

No matter how much they incest!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8f39/you_should_never_have_sex_with_your_family_member/
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Why does Donald Trump want classical music at his inauguration?

He wants to grab them by Debussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8f2d/why_does_donald_trump_want_classical_music_at_his/
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What's the difference between American girls and Iranian girls?

American girls get stoned BEFORE sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8exw/whats_the_difference_between_american_girls_and/
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Breaking up with Japanese Girls.

I hate to breakup with Japanese girls because you have to drop the bomb twice before they get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8c5x/breaking_up_with_japanese_girls/
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I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation.

I'm scared shitless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d8ay0/ive_just_been_diagnosed_with_paranoia_and/
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I am absolutely afraid to make a political joke now.

^^it ^^^might ^^^^get ^^^^^elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d88w9/i_am_absolutely_afraid_to_make_a_political_joke/
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What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

SNOWBALLS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d88no/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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A JOURNEY FROM MAN TO MONK

There was once a man just like me and you. He woke up in the morning, went to work and enjoyed a beer with his friends in the evening.
One day the man was walking down an empty street when a young man jumped at him with a knife, stabbed him and took his money.
The man thought surely he would die as he lay on the ground bleeding. But then out of nowhere a monk appeared. The monk pocked him up and carried him away.
Soon after the man lost consciousness, but when he awoke he was in a small dark room filled with the smells of aromatic spices. The monk was kneeling in front of him reeding words from a small book around his neck.
The man drifted in and out of consciousness for 3 days until he was healed. He thanked the monk for helping him and asked what was in the little book around his neck. The monk replied "I cannot tell you for you are not a monk"
The man took the monks word and left, determined to live a more active and healthy life lest something simar happen to him.
He decided to go on holiday. He went to a tropical country with beautiful sandy beaches and sapphire oceans. One day he was swimming in the crystal clear sea when a shark swam out of nowhere and attacked him, leaving him bleeding heavily and drowning.
He thought he was going to die, but then who should swim past? It was the monk. The monk carried him to safety and like last time set about healing him. Reading words from the lite book around his neck.
When the man was healed he thanked the monk and again asked what was inside that little book around his neck. And as before the monk replied "I cannot tell you for you are not a monk".
By now the man is old and so says to the monk "I am old, my life is nearing the end, how may I become a monk?" The monk tells him of the monastery atop a mountain and gives directions. The man thanks him and leaves.
The man sets about on his journey up the mountain. It is long and arduous, but he keeps going. But then on a particularly steep but of mountain he slips and falls. Not far enough to kill him, but he is gravely injured.
Once again he thinks he will die when who should stop but the monk. The monk carries him to safety and performs the rituals to him all the while reading from the little book.
When he is healed the man once again asks what is in the little book, to the same answer "I cannot tell you for you are not a monk". The man tells the monk he wants to become a monk and so the monk takes the man up to the monastery.
The man trains under the Abbott for a year to become a monk and one day he calls the man into his office. He tells him he is ready to receive his little book.
The man enters the room where the books are hidden and picks one up and reads its secrets. And I'm sure you would like to know what is in the book, but I cannot tell you for you are not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d85vm/a_journey_from_man_to_monk/
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"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?"

"Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d821f/hey_son_what_has_4_legs_and_doesnt_breathe/
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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house

. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming... that was me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7u4l/a_teenage_boy_was_delivering_papers_to_an/
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What did the Psychiatrist say to the man who walked in wearing nothing but plastic wrap?

I can clearly see ur nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7tey/what_did_the_psychiatrist_say_to_the_man_who/
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A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning....

The wife claims, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."
The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7mws/a_man_and_his_wife_were_having_an_argument_about/
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I got into lucid dreaming recently

its everything I imagined it to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7lja/i_got_into_lucid_dreaming_recently/
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A little kid walks into his parents' bedroom while they're having sex

The little boy asked, "What are you doing?"
His mother explains, "Your dad was full of air, so I was jumping on him to get it out."
The boy says, "That's really funny. Whenever you go out for work, your sister comes and blows him right back up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7kjk/a_little_kid_walks_into_his_parents_bedroom_while/
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What did Caesar say when he went to the whorehouse?

Veni Vidi Veni

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7jgc/what_did_caesar_say_when_he_went_to_the_whorehouse/
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Gandhi

, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7hww/gandhi/
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Shit happens!

This man is walking in the dessert for days, and he's a real clean freak so he holds his bowels until he can find a bathroom.
After a few days, he comes upon a bar. Here's a chance for him to go to the bathroom. He walks in and asks the bartender, "Excuse me sir, where is your bathroom?" The bartender replies, "Upstairs, 2nd door on the left."
The man nods and heads upstairs. By accident, he walks in the 1st door on the left, and sees an empty room with just a small hole in the middle of the room. He assumes this is the bathroom and he just can't hold it anymore. So he squats down over* the hole and lets it all go. Feeling good, he decides to go downstairs and get a drink.
He walks down and looks around and everyone is covered in shit! He asks, "What happened?!"
The bartender says, "There he stands all spick and span. Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7g7b/shit_happens/
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I'm the best at procrastinating..

Or the worst.
Maybe I'll decide tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7evp/im_the_best_at_procrastinating/
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Yo mama so fat...

... The holiday photos are still printing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7dms/yo_mama_so_fat/
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How did I get out of Iraq?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7cu5/how_did_i_get_out_of_iraq/
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I have to hand it to Trump

He's the only man to win an argument with a women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7cp5/i_have_to_hand_it_to_trump/
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And asks for a drink...

A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7byl/and_asks_for_a_drink/
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What's Donald Trump's favorite kind of bubble gum?

Bigly chew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7bli/whats_donald_trumps_favorite_kind_of_bubble_gum/
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I thought of making a joke on Apple

But I can't afford it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7apk/i_thought_of_making_a_joke_on_apple/
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I was about to propose to my girlfriend

when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for Joe with his cotton eye, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d7a1d/i_was_about_to_propose_to_my_girlfriend/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d79on/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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So my friend tells me "The holocaust wasn't that bad."

I say "Of course it was!"
He replies "I'm going to go out and kill a million Jews and one clown."
I say "Why the clown?"
He says "See, no one cares about the Jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d79j6/so_my_friend_tells_me_the_holocaust_wasnt_that_bad/
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“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”

"Some, I assume, are good people"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d78am/give_me_your_tired_your_poor_your_huddled_masses/
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My sister said she won't let me see her kids because I'm a sex offender!

Who would keep a father from their own kids?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d751y/my_sister_said_she_wont_let_me_see_her_kids/
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Once upon a time, there was a wasp.

Now, this wasp was no ordinary wasp. No, no, this was an extremely intelligent wasp. He was so smart, in fact, that one day he decided to leave the nest to go to high school. Obviously, this was a big deal for his family, but they supported him in following his dreams, so they packed up his few belongings and sent him off the high school.
You might think that a wasp wouldn't do very well in a high school, and normally you'd be right. This wasp, however, was not only extremely smart, but also very good with people. He had a natural gift for speaking that made everyone adore him and hang on his every word. He was elected class president all four years and graduated as his class's valedictorian with a perfect 4.0 GPA.
This wasp was so smart, in fact, that he got a full scholarship to study at Harvard. He wanted to use his gifts to help lead people forward, so he left his hometown to go study politics. As I said before, this wasp was quite possibly the smartest wasp in history, and had no problems acing all of his classes. Four years later, he received his bachelor's degree and graduated at the top of his class.
The wasp moved to Atlanta, Georgia, where he got a job in the city government and quickly rose to prominence. After a few years, he decided to run for mayor. Many people in the city were understandably concerned. After all, a wasp mayor is not a common thing. The wasp was such a powerful speaker, though, that he managed to just barely eke out a victory. Once in office, his intellect and shrewdness proved to be exactly what the city needed. In the space of two years, crime and poverty had dropped to record lows, and the people were happier than ever.
After proving himself as mayor of a major city for a few terms, the wasp decided to run for governor of the whole state. The people of Atlanta were, of course, behind him 100%, but the rural areas of the state were much more skeptical. The wasp traveled the state extensively, meeting with small business owners and key figures in small towns. His humble beginnings and down-to-earth nature proved enough to get him elected, the first wasp governor in American history.
Just as he had in Atlanta, the wasp quickly turned to the business of revitalizing the state. Under his steady hand, Georgia experienced a rebirth of art and culture, and prosperity spread throughout the state. Many other states took note of his reforms and began implementing similar policies elsewhere in the country.
Once he had served three terms as governor of Georgia, the wasp decided it was time to go for the big one: President of the United States. It was a long, hard-fought campaign, and most media outlets predicted a loss for the wasp. After all, how could a wasp ever be elected President? It's simply unheard of. The wasp shocked the world, though, when on election day voters turned out in record numbers to vote for him. Many questions were raised about the legality of a wasp president following his stunning victory, but since the Constitution never specifies that a human is required for the office, the courts let the result stand.
As the wasp served his first term as President, many crises came and went, but always the wasp guided the country through with confidence. After four of the most prosperous years in recent memory, the wasp won his reelection in a landslide. Four more years passed, and the country had to say good-bye to one of the greatest Presidents ever to serve. The wasp decided that he had done enough in his life, and retired from politics. He had not been home in many years, and he missed his family.
So, the wasp went back to his hometown, to the nest where he grew up. The nest was ecstatic at his return, and threw a grand party in his honor. There was dancing, games, drinks, good friends, and everything else a good party needs. Now the wasp had been dancing and had worked up quite a thirst. He had heard that his mother had made her famous punch for the party, and he wanted to get some to quench his thirst. The wasp was slightly worried, however. His mother's punch was so good, that there could very well be fifty other wasps all waiting to get some. As he neared the refreshments table, though, he was pleasantly surprised to see that there was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d73fo/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_wasp/
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Two fish were in a tank, and one said to the other:

"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d71j5/two_fish_were_in_a_tank_and_one_said_to_the_other/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d701u/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN LOVES GROWING TOMATOES

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d6xbb/a_beautiful_woman_loves_growing_tomatoes/
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What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews

Hary got out of the chambers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d6t6f/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_the/
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Uncle Dave

One day at the end of class, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied,
"Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny.
"My uncle Dave fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Dave when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d6qni/uncle_dave/
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Which is worse?

A couple guys are sitting in a bar and they are getting a bit drunk. One of them says to his buddy "hey, have you ever wondered which is worse? Giving birth or getting kicked in the balls?"
His friend considers this for a moment, and responds "it's an age old question. My wife might say child labor, but i'd say getting kicked in the balls. Maybe we'll never know".
A couple years go by, and the guys see each other in the bar again. The second guy says "hey. Do you remember that question you asked me a couple years ago? I finally have an answer."
He takes a long swig of beer, then sighs "my wife had a baby last year, and I got kicked in the balls in a brawl a bit before that. Last week, she said that she wants to have another baby. But I don't ever want to get kicked in the balls again..."
SO to my grandfather for this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d6o4m/which_is_worse/
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Obama used the race card. Hillary used the woman card.

America used the Trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d6nhs/obama_used_the_race_card_hillary_used_the_woman/
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Why did Donald Duck break up with Daisy Duck?

Turns out she was a quack whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d6k1s/why_did_donald_duck_break_up_with_daisy_duck/
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Heaven is full, whoever had the worst day gets in...

So the first man walks up to the angel and talks about his day: I suspected my wife was cheating on me so I came home to my 25th floor apartment early, I saw my wife naked in bed so I looked everywhere for the guy! I couldn't find him when finally I saw a guy hanging from the balcony, I beat him but he wouldn't drop so I took a hammer and hit all of his fingers. He landed in a bush after falling and I was so angry, I grabbed my fridge and threw it off the balcony, it landed on him and killed him but I died to because all of the stress gave me a heart attack. The angel said: Pretty tough day, how did you die he asked the 2nd man. The man said: well I was exercising on my balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I slipped and fell, luckily I landed on the balcony just below mine but I was holding on the ledge unable to get up, suddenly I saw a man walk out expecting him to help me but instead he started beating me! He went back inside and I thought he would get something to help but no, he had a hammer and hit my fingers causing me to fall but luckily I had landed In a bush. Suddenly a fridge fell from the sky and crushed me! The angel said: wow even harder day, anyway what happened to you he asked the 3rd man, the 3rd man said: Ok so imagine hiding naked in a refrigerator!
(P.S) I probably made a few mistakes in the writing but I tried, thx)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d6gbb/heaven_is_full_whoever_had_the_worst_day_gets_in/
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Why weren't there any famous gun slingers in the Canadian West?

Because they all wore mittens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d6drd/why_werent_there_any_famous_gun_slingers_in_the/
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Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn't tell the kids what it is...

He gives them a hint
"It's what your mom calls me"
The kids respond
"It's a fucking dick, don't eat it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d6d8d/dad_cooks_deer_for_dinner_and_doesnt_tell_the/
%
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One? Or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d6c3u/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I'm not too concerned about this whole terminal illness deal...

My doctor said it should be the last thing I worry about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d6byc/im_not_too_concerned_about_this_whole_terminal/
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I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d69qz/i_was_kidnapped_by_mad_scientist_who_experimented/
%
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d682w/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
%
Why does Hillary Clinton have two Ls in her first name?

1 for 2008, 1 for 2016

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d65lz/why_does_hillary_clinton_have_two_ls_in_her_first/
%
Spongebob might be the main character....

but Patrick is the star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d64oa/spongebob_might_be_the_main_character/
%
Donald Trump is Mac user

He's definitely not PC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d63ms/donald_trump_is_mac_user/
%
Fooling Around On Me?

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d61sl/fooling_around_on_me/
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[Politics] Why can't Ben Carson help fix America's problems?

He's a neurosurgeon, not a proctologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d61kh/politics_why_cant_ben_carson_help_fix_americas/
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What kind of pants do the Super Mario Bros. wear?

Denim denim denim.....
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d5yzc/what_kind_of_pants_do_the_super_mario_bros_wear/
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What do nuclear physicists do when they have time off?

They go fission.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d5veu/what_do_nuclear_physicists_do_when_they_have_time/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

Because it had a silent pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d5sjr/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_in_the_bathroom/
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My Dad says that the soda can is half empty....

We call him Pepsimistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d5q5c/my_dad_says_that_the_soda_can_is_half_empty/
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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.
I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d5mq4/did_you_know_semen_leaves_the_body_at_almost/
%
What the corniest part of a corn field?

The corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d5jpz/what_the_corniest_part_of_a_corn_field/
%
What do you have if you have two little green balls in the palm of your hand?

Kermit's undivided attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d5jez/what_do_you_have_if_you_have_two_little_green/
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Pedophile almost wins marathon...

He just came in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d5hvm/pedophile_almost_wins_marathon/
%
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

because they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d5hnv/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

It was outstanding in its field!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d5fkr/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I don't think I can ever repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d5f8n/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/
%
When life gives you melons...

You're probably dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d5ew5/when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
inspired by the recent election, i'm going to run for president

the first step will be to change my name to "none of the above".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d5a1x/inspired_by_the_recent_election_im_going_to_run/
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What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?

The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.
The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d581x/whats_the_difference_between_a_mad_engineer_and_a/
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An aeroplane was about to crash.

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said "I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d565u/an_aeroplane_was_about_to_crash/
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What do you call a movie about artificial orange juice?

Pulp Fiction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d55ap/what_do_you_call_a_movie_about_artificial_orange/
%
What's the difference between a PhD in math and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d53qz/whats_the_difference_between_a_phd_in_math_and_a/
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Donald's First Cabinet Meeting

Donald walks in energetically and starts the Cabinet meeting.
"We're on the job to make America grape again!.... "What's getting done about getting that Muslim band going?"
"Band? Everyone you said ban."
"No way, that's harsh..... How's the Mexican mall going?"
"The Mexican MALL?"
"Like I promised, we're going to build a mall, and Mexico's going to pray for it!.... I intend to keep my campaign promises, at least the ones that I remember. And I have a GREAT MEMORY! It's THE BEST. I sometimes remember what I said a few minutes ago....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d51wi/donalds_first_cabinet_meeting/
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New Series For The The History Channel

The History Channel is planning a new series, “Airline Tragedies.”
They are putting the pilot together  as I write this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d51nf/new_series_for_the_the_history_channel/
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Trump is actually ambidextrous

He can move from right to left as he chooses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d51l4/trump_is_actually_ambidextrous/
%
50 Year old woman is getting ready for bed

When she looks in the mirror and is very happy at what her naked body looks like. She fastens a towel as a cape and goes down stairs where her husband is watching tv and jumps Infront of the tv and yells "Super pussy!"  her husband looks for a second and says "I'll have the soup"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d4s1c/50_year_old_woman_is_getting_ready_for_bed/
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A guy wakes up to a woman next to him in bed

and she was already awake. She says to him "I have a confession to make, I was once a Christian"
The guy, still half-asleep says, "oh that's okay babe, I've never really been one to care."
"Oh good" she replies, "I much prefer being a Christine anyways."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d4r52/a_guy_wakes_up_to_a_woman_next_to_him_in_bed/
%
Women make terrible hockey goalies...

Their pads only last one period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d4qye/women_make_terrible_hockey_goalies/
%
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawkings after a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d4mmz/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_the_stairs/
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WE WOULD BE RICH IF YOU SAID JUST ONE DAMN WORD!

-drunken me to my dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d4k6l/we_would_be_rich_if_you_said_just_one_damn_word/
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Little kid ask His dad: daddy what is MACHO?

Dad:
its a person who is in charge, makes desicions, gives orders and everyone around obeys those orders.
Kid:
When I grow up I want to be a real macho just like Mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d4j6l/little_kid_ask_his_dad_daddy_what_is_macho/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby...

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d4gl5/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
%
I don't think drinking Vodka is the solution to all of my problems...

But it's worth a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d4br3/i_dont_think_drinking_vodka_is_the_solution_to/
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[NSFW] What's the difference between an 18yo and a washing machine?

You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you round for two weeks telling you it loves you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d4724/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_an_18yo_and_a/
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What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?

She drops him off at band practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d46d3/what_does_a_stripper_do_with_her_asshole_before/
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Have you heard about Trumps plan for Mexicans

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d44lz/have_you_heard_about_trumps_plan_for_mexicans/
%
Why didn't the insomniac attend his uncle's funeral?

he's not a mourning person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d440o/why_didnt_the_insomniac_attend_his_uncles_funeral/
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A guy goes to the the doctor. He finds out he has cancer and three months to live. He asks the doctor is there anything we can do?

The doctor says: "Well you could take mud baths.
The guy says: "Oh great will that help me live longer?"
The Doctor says: "No, it but it will get you used to being in the dirt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d41zb/a_guy_goes_to_the_the_doctor_he_finds_out_he_has/
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Did you hear about the brain implant that can fix stupid?

It's called a bullet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d41vc/did_you_hear_about_the_brain_implant_that_can_fix/
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A young lad enters a barber shop...

and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3zjq/a_young_lad_enters_a_barber_shop/
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What did Al Gore play on the guitar?

An algorithm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3z96/what_did_al_gore_play_on_the_guitar/
%
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3yiw/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
%
You shouldn't call short people "midgets".

It isn't the right gnomenclature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3xid/you_shouldnt_call_short_people_midgets/
%
The main reason Santa Claus is so jolly is because...

he knows where all the bad girls live. :3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3vos/the_main_reason_santa_claus_is_so_jolly_is_because/
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2 Trump Supporters go to heaven

St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3v4j/2_trump_supporters_go_to_heaven/
%
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while...

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3t4j/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_to_israel_to_live/
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What is the Similarity between McDonalds and Anal sex?

When we were young, we were told McDonalds was fine for us.
But when we grew up...
we found out it wasn't at all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3sth/what_is_the_similarity_between_mcdonalds_and_anal/
%
Making America great again is already happening...

Like it used to be, anyone will be able to criticize the President without being called racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3r5p/making_america_great_again_is_already_happening/
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What part of Popeye has the smoothest skin?

The part he dips in Olive Oyl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3qct/what_part_of_popeye_has_the_smoothest_skin/
%
I have seen my first naked lady

Sorry, I meant...
I have seen my First Lady naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3ir5/i_have_seen_my_first_naked_lady/
%
Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3g14/going_to_mass_is_basically_just_like_a_dog_being/
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How do you get Jizz off of a Scrabble board?

Don't bother. That shit's worth 29 points.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3g03/how_do_you_get_jizz_off_of_a_scrabble_board/
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This maths test can predict your favourite film.

Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars.
DON'T PEEP!
Pick a number between 1 and 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3 to that number.
Multiply by 3 again.
Add the 2 digits together.
Now discover your favourite film!
1. LOTR
2. Shawshank redemption
3. benjamin button
3. Oliver Twist.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump.
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8. Grease.
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep & Oiled-Up Lady Boys.
10. Mary Poppins.
EDIT- numbering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3ehk/this_maths_test_can_predict_your_favourite_film/
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The Dead Rabbit

A while back I was driving across the countryside on my home. I saw a sudden flash of brown from the side of the road and felt something hit the car. I pulled over and saw I had hit rabbit. It's little whiskers were twitching, and I could tell he wasn't going to make it. I was trying to think how to put it out of it's misery when another car pulled behind me and a blonde walked out.
I explained what happened and she started sobbing. I felt awful, but suddenly she looked up and said, "Wait! I have just the thing!"
She runs back to her car and pulls out a bag. She takes out his plastic container of something, and immediately begins pouring it all over the rabbit.
"Lady, what do you think you're trying to do?" I asked.
Suddenly, the rabbit's right leg twitches, it's eyes open up wide, it gets back on all fours and runs perfectly fine back into the woods.
I turn and ask the blonde, "What the hell did you use?!"
She stands up and with a big grin says, "I used Pantene Pro-V! It restores dead hare!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3e1p/the_dead_rabbit/
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Married in Heaven!

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves standing outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
They asked St. Peter can we still get married in heaven?
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out!
Two months passed and St Peter still has not returned. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking exhausted!
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3cyv/married_in_heaven/
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There once was a man, who on reddit

Made a point but someone had just said it.
So lets all raise a toast,
To the amazing shitpost
Where without them then we would forget it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3apq/there_once_was_a_man_who_on_reddit/
%
What's a terrorist's favorite type of game?

An RPG

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d39zm/whats_a_terrorists_favorite_type_of_game/
%
People who are afraid of pedophiles

Need to grow up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3928/people_who_are_afraid_of_pedophiles/
%
Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. But what happens when a Foghorn blows?

I say-I say, you get cum in your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d387b/every_time_a_bell_rings_an_angel_gets_its_wings/
%
I was always taught not to judge someone by the color of their skin, but..

Fuck orange people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d36i2/i_was_always_taught_not_to_judge_someone_by_the/
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How do you know when you have a good redneck girlfriend?

If she can give you oral with a dip in and know which to swallow and which to spit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d3479/how_do_you_know_when_you_have_a_good_redneck/
%
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but ...

I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d32p7/a_friend_of_mine_tried_to_annoy_me_with_bird_puns/
%
All my life, I thought air was free...

... until I bought a bag of crisps!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d31uu/all_my_life_i_thought_air_was_free/
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What do you get when it rains t-rexes?

A meat-eater shower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d307t/what_do_you_get_when_it_rains_trexes/
%
What do you call a rational scientific Mormon?

An Oxymormon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2znj/what_do_you_call_a_rational_scientific_mormon/
%
What do you call a building you can't locate?

A warehouse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2uio/what_do_you_call_a_building_you_cant_locate/
%
A very distinguished lady was on a plane

arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the "hair remover".
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son, he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2qgf/a_very_distinguished_lady_was_on_a_plane/
%
Melania Trump and this sub are the same

Both like to copy stuff and say them again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2phv/melania_trump_and_this_sub_are_the_same/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me for gaming too much...

What a silly thing to Fallout 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2pgz/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_for_gaming_too_much/
%
I was sitting in calculus class, and the teacher asked us how we can ideally take the derivative of a logarithm...

I said," I like my logarithms like my women, all natural".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2p3x/i_was_sitting_in_calculus_class_and_the_teacher/
%
The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2o3g/the_funny_thing_about_teen_pregnancy_is_that/
%
What's the difference between a girl's argument and a knife...

The knife has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2myn/whats_the_difference_between_a_girls_argument_and/
%
An oxygen atom and a potassium atom were involved in a car accident

Fortunately, they came out OK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2lax/an_oxygen_atom_and_a_potassium_atom_were_involved/
%
A Priest and Rabbi walk by a young boy.

..
The Priest asks the Rabbi, "Should we fuck him?"
The Rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2kaz/a_priest_and_rabbi_walk_by_a_young_boy/
%
If Trump actually does build the wall, I hope he makes it an effective one...

If Trump actually does build the wall, I hope he makes it an effective one, like the Wall of China. I mean, there are practically no Mexicans in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2jz6/if_trump_actually_does_build_the_wall_i_hope_he/
%
Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighters or matches or anything to light them with. What do they do?

Throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2iq0/three_guys_are_on_a_boat_with_four_cigarettes_but/
%
Why did the Mexican take xanax?

Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2ih6/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
I've heard of Lawyers who mount a stag's head in their study, or Doctors who mount a lion's head in their dining room...

I guess I just don't see the problem with a British Prime Minister mounting a pig's head wherever he pleases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2h92/ive_heard_of_lawyers_who_mount_a_stags_head_in/
%
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:

"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2elg/an_elderly_man_was_on_the_operating_table_about/
%
The woman of my dreams

40 years ago, I asked the woman of my dreams out on a first date.
35 years ago, I asked her to marry me.
30 years ago, I asked if she would do me the honor of bearing our first child.
5 years ago, I asked her to hold my hand during her chemotherapy treatments.
And last night, on her deathbed as she suffered and clung to life with the help of a machine, I asked with tears in my eyes if she wanted me to pull her plug and say goodbye one more time.
But the stubborn bitch said "no" every single time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2ebe/the_woman_of_my_dreams/
%
Man sticks finger into electrical socket...

What happens next will shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2dp4/man_sticks_finger_into_electrical_socket/
%
What's the difference between a Pakistani preschool and Isis headquarters?

I don't know man I just fly the drones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2dne/whats_the_difference_between_a_pakistani/
%
What did one Redditer say to another?

Doesn't matter, the real joke is in the comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2cdj/what_did_one_redditer_say_to_another/
%
Action Dan here, so a magician is working a cruise boat

, the first day the captain and his parrot come down to watch the show, they sit in the front row.
After three shows the parrot starts heckling, "it's under his hat!" "His assistant has it!" "It's up his sleeve!"
So on day five on the seven day cruise the ship hits a iceberg, the magican wakes up holding onto a piece of driftwood with the parrot sitting on the other end.
For two days  they stared at each other, not saying a word.
Finally the parrot looked at the magician and said "ok. You got me. Where's the boat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d2c1w/action_dan_here_so_a_magician_is_working_a_cruise/
%
Just because nobody complains

Doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d27m5/just_because_nobody_complains/
%
My wife always says I am bullying on of our children

I don't know which one she means... John, Maria or the fat ugly one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d27h5/my_wife_always_says_i_am_bullying_on_of_our/
%
I wanted to build my career on making chemistry jokes to cure my depression.

Then I realized alcohol is a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d269w/i_wanted_to_build_my_career_on_making_chemistry/
%
Trump: "Let's get that Muslim band going"

"Band? We thought you said ban"
Trump: "No way, that's harsh. Also, how's the Mexican mall going?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d24ca/trump_lets_get_that_muslim_band_going/
%
Survey gone wrong.. or right??

On a survey for 'which conditioner you use?' 99% of the womens said 'aaahhhhhh.....get out of my shower!!!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d22qa/survey_gone_wrong_or_right/
%
Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d21bo/women_have_eggs_and_milk_in_them/
%
A couple got into an argument...

A couple got into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It got quite heated and neither of the two wanted to concede, so they sat in silence for several kilometers.
As they passed a farm full of pigs bathing in mud, the wife spoke up and said:
"Relatives of yours?"
The man replied:
"In-laws."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d20n1/a_couple_got_into_an_argument/
%
A readhead tells her blonde step-sister "I slept with 2 Brazilian guys last night!"

The blonde replies, "Holy shit, you slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d1zzg/a_readhead_tells_her_blonde_stepsister_i_slept/
%
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d1znh/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
%
A man was circumcised in a dodgy alleyway...

He paid close to nothing for it but was not happy as later that day, he was complaining to his friends that it was a complete rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d1zf8/a_man_was_circumcised_in_a_dodgy_alleyway/
%
Hey, you know how geese migrate in a V shape?

Sometimes one side of the V is longer than the other - do you know why?
-"No, why's that? "
-More geese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d1z0w/hey_you_know_how_geese_migrate_in_a_v_shape/
%
My girlfriend says she's going to leave me because I have a gambling problem

But I think she's bluffing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d1x11/my_girlfriend_says_shes_going_to_leave_me_because/
%
I totally understand how batteries feel

because I’m rarely ever included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d1u23/i_totally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
%
Communism jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d1mjf/communism_jokes_arent_funny/
%
What's the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come on your face until you're a teen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d1i1g/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
%
Why do Native Americans dance at strip clubs?

They want to make it rain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d1hw3/why_do_native_americans_dance_at_strip_clubs/
%
Birds that have mating rituals...

I bet they just wing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d1f45/birds_that_have_mating_rituals/
%
What did the coma patient win?

A-trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d1eb4/what_did_the_coma_patient_win/
%
What do you call a farmer in the army?

E.I. G.I Joe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d1c7z/what_do_you_call_a_farmer_in_the_army/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you,

... I'd start thinking about you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d1bdt/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_thought_about/
%
Saw this stunning girl at a bar last night.

I got her a drink, walked over to her and then felt my knees go weak and my stomach turn to butterflies. Turns out that I spiked the wrong drink by mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d15dy/saw_this_stunning_girl_at_a_bar_last_night/
%
Religion vs science?

Science flies you to the moon.
Religion flies you into buildings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d152r/religion_vs_science/
%
Donald Trump truly made history...

Winning an argument against a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d0vp8/donald_trump_truly_made_history/
%
"A man goes to prison" joke with two opposite punchlines.

My grandpa used to tell this joke, one day I heard someone else tell it with almost an exact opposite punchline. I've never tried to type it out before, so sorry if this sucks, but here's how I first heard it:
A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.
He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter.
"What's going on?" he asked his cellmate.
"Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier."
"Oh," he says, "can I try?"
"Sure, go ahead."
So, he yells out "102!" and the place goes nuts. People are whooping and laughing in a hysteria. He looks at his cellmate rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.
"Wow, good joke huh?"
"Yeah! We ain't never heard that one before!"
And here's the other punchline that threw me for a loop after years of hearing this joke:
So, he yells out "102!" and the place is dead quiet save for a few groans. Confused, he looks at his cellmate who is just shaking his head.
"Hey, what happened?"
"Well, some people can tell a joke, some people can't."
Thanks for reading! I'm much better at telling this out loud, I promise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d0u01/a_man_goes_to_prison_joke_with_two_opposite/
%
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing, you can't cross a vector with a scalar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d0tgq/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mosquito_with_a/
%
A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator..

..As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out "You know what.. I don't like Chinese people too much." Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why. "Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!" Shocked, the Chinese man responds "That was the Japanese.." The Jew snapped back "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same."
Understandably perturbed, the Chinese man retorts: "Well you know what? I don't really like Jews too much.." Expectedly, the Jewish man asks him why. "Because you guys sunk the Titanic!" Flabbergasted, the Jewish man exclaims, "What are you talking about!? That was an iceberg.."
"Iceberg, Greenberg, Steinberg, you're all the same!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d0t8r/a_chinese_man_and_a_jewish_man_are_in_an_elevator/
%
A little girl asked her Dad one day, “Dad, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time?'”

Her Dad replied, “No honey, some of them begin with ‘If I’m elected.'”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d0mg2/a_little_girl_asked_her_dad_one_day_dad_do_all/
%
My girlfriend is like a goddess...

My friends and family don't believe she exists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d0l0g/my_girlfriend_is_like_a_goddess/
%
A hindu murderer was diagnosed with cancer

He had murdered 7 children and knew he was going to be reincarnated as a moth due to bad karma.
So he reposted old jokes on reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d0kf0/a_hindu_murderer_was_diagnosed_with_cancer/
%
A man fighting a war finds an ancient lance capable of healing wounds rather than creating them.

He names the weapon "Ambu-lance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d0he3/a_man_fighting_a_war_finds_an_ancient_lance/
%
What do men and cars have in common?

They both pull out without checking if anyone else is coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d0h88/what_do_men_and_cars_have_in_common/
%
Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?

Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d0g2x/why_are_redneck_murder_cases_the_hardest_to_solve/
%
My psychiatrist asked me about how many times a day I exaggerate.

I responded, "Like a billion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d0enn/my_psychiatrist_asked_me_about_how_many_times_a/
%
Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d09h2/why_was_the_sand_wet/
%
I have 2 eyes and can't see, but millions of eyes on me. What am I?

NFL Referee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d0959/i_have_2_eyes_and_cant_see_but_millions_of_eyes/
%
What do you call a religious duck?

A Quacker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d07vs/what_do_you_call_a_religious_duck/
%
What do Jewish pedophiles say?

"Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d06nl/what_do_jewish_pedophiles_say/
%
3 Nurses are Working in a Mourge

3 Nurses are working in a morgue and discover a man on his death bead with a hard-on. Nurse #1 says "I can't let this go to waste", and rides him and following nurse #2 does the same.
Nurse #3 explains that she is on her period and hesitant but she complies anyways.
The man wakes up and the nurses start to apologize saying that they thought he was dead. The man replies "I was but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I feel fucking great!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d05ye/3_nurses_are_working_in_a_mourge/
%
My girl's father said "YOU TOOK MY DAUGHTER'S VIRGINITY"!

I replied, "Sorry. Won't happen again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d05j9/my_girls_father_said_you_took_my_daughters/
%
What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?

A double Manhattan on the rocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d02jl/what_was_osama_bin_ladens_favorite_drink/
%
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d027f/with_the_way_i_see_asian_people_driving_it_got_me/
%
What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d023i/whats_the_difference_between_john_wayne_and_jack/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because I live across the street from a KFC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5d022t/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
I'm tired of people saying I sit too much

and I will not stand for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czzmz/im_tired_of_people_saying_i_sit_too_much/
%
What meme do Uber drivers hate?

Do you even Lyft, bro?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czxjl/what_meme_do_uber_drivers_hate/
%
132 LEGS AND 8 TEETH

Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czx09/132_legs_and_8_teeth/
%
Lie Detector Test

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching Star Wars! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Fine, I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czwx0/lie_detector_test/
%
I had a dream about a horse in a suit of armor.

Pretty sure it was a knightmare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czto3/i_had_a_dream_about_a_horse_in_a_suit_of_armor/
%
Everyone is worried Trump will pull us out of The Paris Accord...

But Trump doesn't know how to pull out, that is why he has 10 kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czqbw/everyone_is_worried_trump_will_pull_us_out_of_the/
%
What do you call a lizard that has trouble having sex?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czq8j/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_that_has_trouble_having/
%
California legalized marijuana

I guess they had a high voter turnout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czpd1/california_legalized_marijuana/
%
Did you hear about the two gay truckers?

They exchanged loads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czo7x/did_you_hear_about_the_two_gay_truckers/
%
What should you do when your epileptic child starts seizing in the bathtub?

Throw in your laundry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czn3a/what_should_you_do_when_your_epileptic_child/
%
What's the darkest dark humor joke you got?

I start!..
What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czm9y/whats_the_darkest_dark_humor_joke_you_got/
%
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czltl/my_therapist_says_i_have_a_preoccupation_with/
%
A joke my physics teacher told us

Student: "Did you get a haircut?"
Teacher: "No I got them all cut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czjr1/a_joke_my_physics_teacher_told_us/
%
My brother told me this. Feels like it belongs here.

A grammar teacher was lecturing his students on double negatives. He explains, "In some languages, take English, for example, if you were to use double negatives, it is the equivalent of a positive. It isn't considered proper grammar for that reason."
A student raises his hand. "Like in Algebra?"
"Exactly. However, in other languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. For those of you who are curious, there is no language where a double positive equals a negative."
A student piped up in the back. "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czjnw/my_brother_told_me_this_feels_like_it_belongs_here/
%
I find frying pans really hot.

I guess you could say I'm pansexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czg8t/i_find_frying_pans_really_hot/
%
What do you do if attacked by a clan of clowns?

Go for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czf3z/what_do_you_do_if_attacked_by_a_clan_of_clowns/
%
Coal is like anal sex...

The ones calling it clean aren't taking it up the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cze4x/coal_is_like_anal_sex/
%
They say you are what you eat

I guess that makes me a human

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czbhp/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
I named my dog WiFi

Because I stole it from my neighbor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czb2d/i_named_my_dog_wifi/
%
What makes a ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czajo/what_makes_a_isis_joke_funny/
%
Top 10 Reasons a Gun is Better Than a Woman

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's gun, and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR THE GUN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czabn/top_10_reasons_a_gun_is_better_than_a_woman/
%
My wife always bitches about me not putting the toilet seat back down

So now I just piss in the sink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5czaa3/my_wife_always_bitches_about_me_not_putting_the/
%
My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances...

Well, she’s in for a shock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cz6t8/my_girlfriend_says_im_hopeless_at_fixing/
%
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.

Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cz5ke/when_wearing_a_bikini_women_reveal_90_of_their/
%
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cz4g6/whats_the_difference_between_paul_walker_and_my/
%
I accidenty said Hi to a feminist the other day...

My court case starts tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cz12g/i_accidenty_said_hi_to_a_feminist_the_other_day/
%
Before I met my wife I was incomplete..

Now I'm finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cz110/before_i_met_my_wife_i_was_incomplete/
%
Word of warning, if you're in a job interview and you are asked, "Do you smoke?"

Don't reply with, "Depends what it is..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cz00r/word_of_warning_if_youre_in_a_job_interview_and/
%
What's the difference between a cow and Super Mario Bros?

A cow can't be milked for over 30 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyzms/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_super/
%
Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel goes on holiday to Greece.
She reaches customs.
Officer: Name?
Merkel: Angela Merkel
Officer: Nationality?
Merkel: Deutsche
Officer: Occupation?
Merkel: Nein, not zis time, just for ze holidays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyzaa/angela_merkel_visits_greece/
%
TIL: Captain Hook ran an entire pirate ship.

He did it single handedly too.
He was a bit out of breath afterwards though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyy4q/til_captain_hook_ran_an_entire_pirate_ship/
%
Why are there no cats on mars?

Curiosity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyy43/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
%
Why did Kermit break up with Miss Piggy?

He wasn't ready for a Kermitment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cywb4/why_did_kermit_break_up_with_miss_piggy/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it pees?

Because the p is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyvoe/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_when_it_pees/
%
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body...

Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyup7/when_wearing_a_bikini_women_reveal_90_of_their/
%
There are straight women who

turn lesbian when horny.
I believe 'spaghetti' is the correct term.
Straight untill wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyugr/there_are_straight_women_who/
%
My grandfather has the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cys7h/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
I gave my friend 10 puns, hoping at least some would make him laugh.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyoim/i_gave_my_friend_10_puns_hoping_at_least_some/
%
Two nuns are riding bicycles down a bumpy road...

One turns to the other and say "I never came this way before".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyo46/two_nuns_are_riding_bicycles_down_a_bumpy_road/
%
A man has a £50 note tattooed on his willy

His wife says to him "Why have you done that!?" He replies "For one, I like to see my money grow; two, I like to play with my money; thrid, I like to have money in my hand and finally the next time you want to blow fifty quid you can stay at home and do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cynyl/a_man_has_a_50_note_tattooed_on_his_willy/
%
Never bang someone old enough to be your mom

especially if you were adopted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cylqc/never_bang_someone_old_enough_to_be_your_mom/
%
My sex life is like my credit card.

It expired a long time ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyj2l/my_sex_life_is_like_my_credit_card/
%
Why is the sea salty?

Because the land does not wave back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyi03/why_is_the_sea_salty/
%
She was a 15 in blackjack...

Meaning not sure if you should hit it or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyht3/she_was_a_15_in_blackjack/
%
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best mate.

They're both cauldron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyh92/harry_potter_cant_tell_the_difference_between_a/
%
Round, heavy object they throw at the olympics.

Discuss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyfgg/round_heavy_object_they_throw_at_the_olympics/
%
I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cyf0c/i_locked_my_keys_in_my_car_outside_an_abortion/
%
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cydse/golf_is_like_urinating_in_a_public_toilet/
%
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cy8dg/why_dont_you_ever_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/
%
What do you get when you cross Van Gogh with George Thorogood?

One bourbon
One scotch
And one ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cy7mm/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_van_gogh_with/
%
When is it ladyparts-grabbing time for Donald Trump?

When the little hand is on the 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cy7m5/when_is_it_ladypartsgrabbing_time_for_donald_trump/
%
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven.

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cy2lt/the_pope_dies_and_arrives_in_heaven/
%
“Sir, you cannot fish here!”

“Don’t worry, I’m not fishing, I’m just teaching my worm to swim.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cy29h/sir_you_cannot_fish_here/
%
Harambe memes have lost their popularity since the election...

People's attention moved away from the death of a gorilla to the election of an orangutan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxzod/harambe_memes_have_lost_their_popularity_since/
%
I don't think I could ever be a narcissist.

I'm too perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxznj/i_dont_think_i_could_ever_be_a_narcissist/
%
Trump was recently asked his opinion on Roe vs. Wade...

He thought it was two different ways to get across the Potomac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxyuz/trump_was_recently_asked_his_opinion_on_roe_vs/
%
What should Bernie Sanders' next presidential campaign be called?

Hindsight is 2020

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxxx8/what_should_bernie_sanders_next_presidential/
%
How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxvr1/how_does_stephen_hawking_have_sex/
%
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxu9o/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
%
Seriously guys. We had a fair election. Stop protesting and trying to stop him from being our leader. He's your leader now, so deal with it.

...said the Nazis to the Jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxtr6/seriously_guys_we_had_a_fair_election_stop/
%
My neighbour started a business giving away chairs...

It was a Chairity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxt3a/my_neighbour_started_a_business_giving_away_chairs/
%
There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley

One was assaulted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxqbi/there_were_two_peanuts_walking_down_a_dark_alley/
%
"Lift those weights, see if I care."

Said the impersonal trainer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxo2h/lift_those_weights_see_if_i_care/
%
Time zones are amazing, it's a different time all around the world.

For example, in some parts of the U.S. it's still 1950.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxn1q/time_zones_are_amazing_its_a_different_time_all/
%
Did you know that if you took every elephant in the world and lined them up towards the moon...

They would die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxm0p/did_you_know_that_if_you_took_every_elephant_in/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalotapus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxlww/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
If you have a bee in your hand, what's in your eye?

Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxlv0/if_you_have_a_bee_in_your_hand_whats_in_your_eye/
%
Dogs on a coffee break

Dog 1: Heard a great joke...
Dog 2: Oh yeah?
Dog 1: Knock kn-
Dog 2 goes fucking crazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxiik/dogs_on_a_coffee_break/
%
Most animals don't like gore.

But leeches are suckers for blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxezr/most_animals_dont_like_gore/
%
Have you ever heard the one about the brown nosed duck?

He was just as fast as the others in the flock, but he couldn't stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxdcs/have_you_ever_heard_the_one_about_the_brown_nosed/
%
There are two kinds of people in this world, the kind that keep their inbox at zero...

and the kind that want to run for president someday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxcet/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_this_world_the/
%
The steer was fed the TNT

Abombinabull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxb7d/the_steer_was_fed_the_tnt/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cxa7x/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth...

The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:
"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."
The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"
To which the man responds:
"Man, that's exactly what I did!"
(A joke originally told to me in Urdu)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cx7xq/a_man_goes_to_the_dentist_with_some_broken_teeth/
%
What's a Social Justice Warrior's favorite math course?

Triggernometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cx7rq/whats_a_social_justice_warriors_favorite_math/
%
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cx79v/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
What is made of Brass and sounds like Tom Jones

Trombones!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cx5wk/what_is_made_of_brass_and_sounds_like_tom_jones/
%
Why do baby boomers like fracking so much?

Because figuratively breaking the country apart isn't enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cx5gl/why_do_baby_boomers_like_fracking_so_much/
%
I buy all my guns from a guy called 'T-Rex'

He's a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cx4ij/i_buy_all_my_guns_from_a_guy_called_trex/
%
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do.

Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cx44l/my_girlfriends_dad_asked_me_what_i_do/
%
Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman...

But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cx3w9/now_im_not_saying_im_a_good_businessman/
%
What is it called when Jesus masturbates?

Jesus fucking christ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cx342/what_is_it_called_when_jesus_masturbates/
%
How did Moses make his tea.

Hebrew it.
This is not a joke Israel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cx1j0/how_did_moses_make_his_tea/
%
"Mr. Obama, how exactly does someone impeach a president?" "The american people have made their decision. To suggest we impeach a president before he's had a chance is an outrage! Regardless of your opinions and the flawed system we're under the election was held fair and square...

...Now would you *please* stop asking that, Mr. Trump?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cww50/mr_obama_how_exactly_does_someone_impeach_a/
%
A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I've got a problem..."

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I've got a problem in a... well in a sensitive area. Can you take a look?"
The Doc says, "Okay, go ahead and drop your pants."
The patient does so, and turns around to where the doctor can see a bit of lettuce sticking out of his rear end.
"Oh, that's nothing," says the doctor.
"Nothing?!" cries the patient, "Doc, that's just the tip of the Iceberg!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cwvxj/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor_and_says_doc_ive_got_a/
%
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

For hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cwttp/why_does_donald_trump_take_xanax/
%
Dark humour is like a kid with cancer

It never gets old
Credits to /u/CookieDestroyer66
He da real MVP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cwtbq/dark_humour_is_like_a_kid_with_cancer/
%
Did you hear about the Piano Teacher that slept with his student?

She was A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cwpj8/did_you_hear_about_the_piano_teacher_that_slept/
%
My new television is really hyperactive.

It's an ADHDTV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cwoci/my_new_television_is_really_hyperactive/
%
A riddle

Who's got orange skin, poor speaking skills, is overwhelmingly disliked and is in over his head?
Yeah, I know, too easy right?
It's Jar Jar Binks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cwkzj/a_riddle/
%
They put a protective casing over the Vietnam Wall.

They're calling it the Maya Lin sheath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cwk7j/they_put_a_protective_casing_over_the_vietnam_wall/
%
Why did the plant say after being watered?

"I'm not hungry exactly, but I could still use a light snack".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cwk41/why_did_the_plant_say_after_being_watered/
%
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it’s expensive and takes a really long time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cwilw/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
My dad has a brother named Robert

I guess Bob's my uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cwh5x/my_dad_has_a_brother_named_robert/
%
new car

I remember one time when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a raffle ticket for the chance to win a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I had done and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car belonged to an electricity company worker. They were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cwfpm/new_car/
%
What's the difference between a McDonald's and anal?

McDonald's makes your day, anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cwd1e/whats_the_difference_between_a_mcdonalds_and_anal/
%
Why were the natives in America first?

They had reservations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cwa7m/why_were_the_natives_in_america_first/
%
Hillary wouldve made girls believe they can be President

Trump made EVERYONE believe they can be President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cw4ui/hillary_wouldve_made_girls_believe_they_can_be/
%
A couple take their son to the circus

After a while the father gets up to get some popcorn. While he is away the little boy notices something hanging down between the elephants legs. "Mommy, what is that hanging down on the elephant?", the boy asks. The embarrassed mother says "Oh, that's nothing honey", and is relieved when the father returns with the popcorn. Not satisfied with the mother's answer the little boy waits until his mother leaves to use the bathroom and asks his father "Dad, what is that hanging down between the elephant's legs?". Dad answers, " That's the elephant's penis". The little boy says, "Well how come when I asked mom she said that it was nothing?". Dad leans back and says "Son, I've spoiled that woman....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cw41o/a_couple_take_their_son_to_the_circus/
%
Dad : Did you hear about the kidnapping at school ?

Son : No, what happened ?
Dad : It is ok he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cw0xz/dad_did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey."
The horse says, "Sure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cw0pe/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The French foreign legion officer was newly assigned

as a commander in the desert. Upon arrival, he met with the lieutenant, who happily showed him around.
Nearing the end of the "orientation" the lieutenant said, "Sir, because we're in the middle of the desert and there aren't any women here, we have the camel.
The commander was horrified but said nothing. After about a month, he was really longing for sex, but refused to give in to his urges.
Finally, after 3 months, he called the lieutenant and demanded that he bring the camel to his quarters. He then got up on a stool and had sex with the camel.
When he was done, he was proud of himself and asked the lieutenant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"Uh no, sir. They usually ride the camel into town and go to the whorehouse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cvz0y/the_french_foreign_legion_officer_was_newly/
%
The little black jewish boy...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cvyri/the_little_black_jewish_boy/
%
I don't know what to think of mountain-climbing.

It has it's ups and downs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cvwve/i_dont_know_what_to_think_of_mountainclimbing/
%
How was Rome split in half?

With a pair of Caesars...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cvtcs/how_was_rome_split_in_half/
%
WALKS INTO A BAR...

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cvncl/walks_into_a_bar/
%
Englishman, Scottishman and Irishman Prison Escape...

An Englishman, Scottishman and Irishman are all prison inmates but have hatched an escape plan. The escape plan goes well and the three of them are outside the prison walls and running away to freedom.
About 15 minutes after their escape they realise that the prison guards are catching up to them and they have to hide.
The Englishman spots 3 empty sacks lying at the side of the road and shouts "Hide in these sacks fellas, we'll never outrun them" so all 3 men climb into the sacks and wait for the prison guards to go past.
The prison guards eventually catch up and sure enough, are immediately suspicious of the 3 seemingly full sacks lying at the side of the road.
One of the prison guards says to his friend "Those sacks look a bit suspicious, give them a good kick Dave and see what's in them".
Now the Englishman has heard all of this and immediately devises a plan. The prison guard gives the first sack a kick and the Englishman shouts "woof, woof". The prison guard turns to his co-workers and says "this is just a sack of puppies, nothing to see here".
The Scottishman has twigged as to what the Englishman has done so when the prison guard kicks his sack he shouts "meow, meow". Again, the prison guard shouts "this is just a sack of kittens, nothing to see here".
Now the Irishman has heard all of this going on and he know exactly what he has to do. The prison guard kicks the 3rd and final sack and the Irishman shouts...
"POTATOES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cvmqx/englishman_scottishman_and_irishman_prison_escape/
%
Sir, you cannot fish here!

“Sir, you cannot fish here!”
“Don’t worry, I’m not fishing, I’m just teaching my worm to swim.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cvmoa/sir_you_cannot_fish_here/
%
I wanna like most of the jokes here...

But for the most part, I reddit before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cvm04/i_wanna_like_most_of_the_jokes_here/
%
It was so funny that I forgot to laugh...

Said the sarcastic man with dementia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cvk1v/it_was_so_funny_that_i_forgot_to_laugh/
%
What did the Ents yell as they attacked Isengard?

Ambush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cvir6/what_did_the_ents_yell_as_they_attacked_isengard/
%
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cvf2q/i_got_my_kid_a_puppy_as_a_present_but_it_died/
%
What did the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't?

successfully end a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cvce3/what_did_the_boston_marathon_bombers_do_that/
%
An introvert looks down at his own shoes.

An extrovert looks at other people's shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cva80/an_introvert_looks_down_at_his_own_shoes/
%
How many kidnapped children does it take to change a lightbulb?

I thought 12, but the basements still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cv9ff/how_many_kidnapped_children_does_it_take_to/
%
There are two cows standing in a field....

The first cow says to the other, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” The second cow replies, “No way, I don’t believe you.” The first says, “It’s true, no bull.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cv829/there_are_two_cows_standing_in_a_field/
%
Why is a doctor always calm?

He got a lot of patients

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cv7i1/why_is_a_doctor_always_calm/
%
Conspiracy theorists, I hope you're right...

I hope the illuminati run this country, they seem like a safe bet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cv5xr/conspiracy_theorists_i_hope_youre_right/
%
Have you heard the rope joke?

Skip it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cv3s6/have_you_heard_the_rope_joke/
%
Ramadan

Putting the slim back into Muslim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cv2uz/ramadan/
%
I like my women how I like my wine...

...Locked down in the basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cv1so/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_wine/
%
When is a door not a door?

When its ajar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cuzz0/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
%
What does a stripper eat for thanksgiving dinner?

Twerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cuzhi/what_does_a_stripper_eat_for_thanksgiving_dinner/
%
I dropped my phone in the bath

Now it's syncing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cuyrt/i_dropped_my_phone_in_the_bath/
%
[nsfw] What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

A quarter-pounder with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cuy0n/nsfw_what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_girl_with_a/
%
a man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide.........

Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cuxgo/a_man_goes_to_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
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My girlfriend accidentally shoved a pair of glasses up my ass...

Now my hindsight is 20/20

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cuv1v/my_girlfriend_accidentally_shoved_a_pair_of/
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The year is 2020.

Three men stand at the gates of heaven.
The first man tries to walk in but Saint Peter stops him. "What is your name, and what happened in the five minutes before you died?" To which the man replied "My name is James, and I got to my third story apartment and found my wife covering herself with a blanket, drenched in sweat and obviously hiding something.  I look at the balcony and see a man dangling from his fingertips. I stomp on his hands and he falls, but lands in a bush unharmed. So I pushed my refrigerator off and it landed on him, breaking his neck. Then I had a heart attack and died." Peter nods and lets him in. The next man is stopped by Peter, who says "Who are you, and what happened in the last five minutes before you died?" And the man says "I fell off of my third floor balcony and somehow grabbed the railing below me. But then some guy crushed my fingers and I fell. I landed and started to offer a prayer to God, when a refrigerator landed on my head." Peter nods and lets him in. The final man approaches and Peter exclaims "I know you! You're Bill Clinton! What happened in the last five minutes before you died??" And Bill replies "So, I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cuuvt/the_year_is_2020/
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Why didn't the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10?

I asked him and he said, "I still love Vista baby".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cuqvg/why_didnt_the_terminator_upgrade_to_windows_10/
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A Student is in Engineering Class, when the Teacher asks What is a Machine?

Student 1: A machine is anything that reduces human effort
Teacher: Will you please elaborate?
Student 1: Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine
Teacher: What is the true definition?
Student 2: Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected that their relative motions are constrained and by which means, force and motion may be transmitted and modified as a screw and it's nut, or a lever arranged to turn about a fulcrum, or a pulley about it's pivot, etc, especially a construction more or less complex consisting of a combination of moving parts, or simple mechanical elements, as wheels, levers, cams, etc.
Teacher: Wonderful! Perfect, please sit down.
Student 1: But sir, I said the same thing, in simple language
Teacher: If you prefer simple language, join an Arts and Commerce college
Student 1: But sir, what's the point of blindly cramming a definition from the book?
Teacher: That's enough, get out!
Student 1: *Proceeds to walk out, then walks back
Teacher: Why are you back?
Student 1: I forgot something
Teacher: What is it?
Student 1: Instruments that record, analyze, summarize, organize, debate, and explain information; that are illustrated, non-illustrated, hard-bound, paperback, jacketed, non-jacketed, with foreword, introduction, table of contents, index that are intended for the enlightenment, understanding, enrichment, enhancement and education of the human brain through the sensory route of vision, sometimes touch.
Teacher: What in the world are you talking about?
Student 1: Books, sir, I forgot them, may I go ahead?
Teacher: Couldn't you have asked simply?
Student 1: I tried earlier, sir. It simply didn't work.
*Dialogue from the Bollywood film 3 Idiots, thought it was great and I would format it so everybody could enjoy on r/jokes*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cupoj/a_student_is_in_engineering_class_when_the/
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Why don't white girls like trigonometry?

Because secant even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cumz8/why_dont_white_girls_like_trigonometry/
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If the actor who plays Wolverine were to reveal that he's been a con-artist his entire life....

Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cumuh/if_the_actor_who_plays_wolverine_were_to_reveal/
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What element in the Periodic Table of Elements can you not take seriously?

Silly-con!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5culth/what_element_in_the_periodic_table_of_elements/
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A joke I thought up

A sex offender goes to the park, where a birthday is taking place. He plops down onto a bench, whips it out, and plainly starts rubbing one out.
A woman gasps and covers her child's eyes. "Sicko! Think about the children!"
The sex offender says, "What the fuck do you think I'm doing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cuh9p/a_joke_i_thought_up/
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An Old Lady Walks Down the Street with 20 Dollar Bills Spilling from Her Bags...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cuh8b/an_old_lady_walks_down_the_street_with_20_dollar/
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Why did the duck cross the road?

Waiter:"I don't know and I don't care, how exactly do you plan to pay for the meal you just bought Mr.Chicken?"
Chicken:"Just put it on my bill."
Waiter:"You don't have a bill..."
Chicken:"No bill? oh you shouldn't have, I'll see myself out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cuabm/why_did_the_duck_cross_the_road/
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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cu8kp/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
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Three logicians walk into a bar...

The bartender asks, "would all three of you like a beer?"
The first one replies, "I don't know"
The second one replies, "I don't know either"
The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cu6bz/three_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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People will see a supermoon tonight...

...my blinds are broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cu4y9/people_will_see_a_supermoon_tonight/
%
What's the most common question in Quantum Physics?

I don't know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cu1pd/whats_the_most_common_question_in_quantum_physics/
%
What do you call Atheism?

A non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cu1ml/what_do_you_call_atheism/
%
Why did the worker on the egg farm get fired from his job?

Because he had a crack addiction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ctziw/why_did_the_worker_on_the_egg_farm_get_fired_from/
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My biggest fear used to be dying alone

but thanks to Trump, I know it'll be in a camp, surrounded by other minorities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ctx94/my_biggest_fear_used_to_be_dying_alone/
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What did the monitor say when it got punched?

"Ouch, that Hertz!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ctx5n/what_did_the_monitor_say_when_it_got_punched/
%
The talk

-Dad, am I adopted?
-Not yet, we still haven't found anyone who wants you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ctuts/the_talk/
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Why do cats and dogs lick their own genitals?

Because they can reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ctqsg/why_do_cats_and_dogs_lick_their_own_genitals/
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Did you hear about the gay Russian knight?

His name was Sergei.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ctp5y/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_russian_knight/
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My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom.

This morning we synthesised a new protein chain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ctoe3/my_girlfriend_said_we_should_experiment_more_in/
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I like my men like I like mathematics.

Hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ctn53/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_mathematics/
%
What's the difference between a pizza and a hippy chick?

You don't peel the crust off the pizza before you eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ctm3f/whats_the_difference_between_a_pizza_and_a_hippy/
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Why did the salmon cross the road?

Cuz it's fucking flooded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ctjp4/why_did_the_salmon_cross_the_road/
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Two nice guys didn't walk into a bar

They both insists they would hold the door for each others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ctf7d/two_nice_guys_didnt_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I masturbate so much in the shower

I get wet when it rains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ctd6y/i_masturbate_so_much_in_the_shower/
%
Why can't Sweden win a race?

Because, it always sits right behind the Finnish line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ctcw1/why_cant_sweden_win_a_race/
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Why are math students so skinny?

Because they buy no meals.
(Binomials)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ctb30/why_are_math_students_so_skinny/
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What's a neckbeard's favorite country?

M'laysia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ct7xa/whats_a_neckbeards_favorite_country/
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Why did a man throw his breakfast out the window?

He was a cereal defenestrator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ct7e0/why_did_a_man_throw_his_breakfast_out_the_window/
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The Lost Bible

One day a devout preacher lost his favorite Bible while he was at a spiritual retreat in the mountains. He was devastated, and began to lose his faith. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him after church service, carrying the Bible in its mouth. The preacher couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the dog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the dog. "Your name is written inside the cover."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ct785/the_lost_bible/
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The bear and the hare

One day a bear was chasing a hare when they were stopped by a magic fairy.
The fairy says to the bear and the hare, if you can stop chasing each other I will grant you three wishes.
The bear says I want all the bears in the woods to be female. Done! Says the fairy.
I want riding boots and a helmet says the rabbit. Done! Says the fairy.. Stupid rabbit sniggers the bear.
I want all the bears in the country to be female says the bear. Done! Says the fairy.
I want a super fast motorcycle says the rabbit. Done! Says the fairy. What a dumb rabbit the bear mutters.
Then the bear shouts make all the bears in the world female. Done! says the fairy.
The rabbit gets on his bike starts her up and starts riding off and shouts back to the fairy, for my last wish make that stupid bear homosexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ct704/the_bear_and_the_hare/
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My friend really changed onced she decided to be a vegetarian

It's like I've never known herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ct2do/my_friend_really_changed_onced_she_decided_to_be/
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On a hunch, I tried looking for the murderer at the corpse auction.

As soon as the auctioneer started it was a dead giveaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5csv6a/on_a_hunch_i_tried_looking_for_the_murderer_at/
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All of Congress is kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5csu7w/all_of_congress_is_kidnapped/
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What is the name of Bruce Lee's crippled brother?

Broccoli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5css7p/what_is_the_name_of_bruce_lees_crippled_brother/
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Scientists have deciphered hieroglyphics thought to be 5,500 years old. The first full sentence says

"This is a repost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5csrl6/scientists_have_deciphered_hieroglyphics_thought/
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Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish...

and he'll be fined for fishing without a license.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cso4s/give_a_man_a_fish_hell_eat_for_a_day_teach_a_man/
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Before leaving for the convention center on Election night, Hilary told Bill: "Tonight, for the first time in history, America will finally have two presidents sleeping with each other"...

When she got home, Bill was already eagerly waiting in bed, and he said:
"Is Trump on his way or should I drive to his place?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5csnsi/before_leaving_for_the_convention_center_on/
%
I'm Mexican.

What? Were you expecting an off the wall joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cslx7/im_mexican/
%
Be wary about dating a female that pronounces the letter H silent

Especially when she tells you that all she wants is happiness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5csjkd/be_wary_about_dating_a_female_that_pronounces_the/
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I like my beer like I like my violence...

Domestic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cshbb/i_like_my_beer_like_i_like_my_violence/
%
I had an idea for a suit made entirely of banana skins...

but no one seemed to find it very appealing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5csdzi/i_had_an_idea_for_a_suit_made_entirely_of_banana/
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I like my rape jokes how I like my rape victims...

Not taken seriously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5csdkq/i_like_my_rape_jokes_how_i_like_my_rape_victims/
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I have a friend who is half-Indian...

He's Ian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5csd9e/i_have_a_friend_who_is_halfindian/
%
What do you get when a dyslexic tries to make a gif?

Peanut Butter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5csbva/what_do_you_get_when_a_dyslexic_tries_to_make_a/
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What's the difference between snowman and snow woman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cs9e2/whats_the_difference_between_snowman_and_snow/
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The kids at middle school are studying WWII...

... and little Timmys grandpa, who was a fighter pilot in the war, is invited to class to tell about his experiences. He reminisces:
"Now, the worst situation I was ever in, was probably when I encountered a German air wing all by myself. I had one Fokker above me, one Fokker behind me and one Fokker off to my right, so I..."
The class begins to snicker uncontrollably so teacher steps in.
"Now, class, before you start getting ideas, Fokker was the name of a German aeroplane manufacturer. Isn't that right, sir?"
"Yes, Ma'am!... these particular Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts, though..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cs6vp/the_kids_at_middle_school_are_studying_wwii/
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Why aren't there any homosexual scholars?

Because they can't think straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cs3ts/why_arent_there_any_homosexual_scholars/
%
A muggle walks up to a wizard

And says "Holy crap, you're Harry Potter!!"
The wizard replies, "No, but you're close. I'm Harry Potter's godfather"
"Haha, nice try Harry Potter. I know it's you." Says the muggle.
"No, I'm Sirius"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cs2xr/a_muggle_walks_up_to_a_wizard/
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(NSFW) My wife was doing the mannequin challenge way before it got popular.

She only does it when we have sex though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cs27r/nsfw_my_wife_was_doing_the_mannequin_challenge/
%
What is the most popular novel in Mexico?

Tequila mocking bird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cryku/what_is_the_most_popular_novel_in_mexico/
%
I'm American and I hate it when people say that America is the most ignorant country in the world

Personally, I think Europe is the most ignorant country in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cruem/im_american_and_i_hate_it_when_people_say_that/
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What you need to attend Anatomy class

This is the first class of Anatomy.
A professor decided to teach basic things about anatomy.
"Class, there are two things you should have to attend this class."
"First, you should be brave. Overcome fear."
Then, the professor put his finger in anus of a corpse. After that, he put his finger to his mouth and sucked.
Students are shocked, but they really wanted to learn the anatomy, so they put their finger to anus of a corpse and sucked that finger.
A student asked the professor.
"What's the next thing? I think I can do anything. I sucked my finger that touched a corpse's anus."
The professor said
"You are not a person to study this class."
"Why? I overcame my fear!"
"The second thing you need is sharp observation. I put my middle finger to anus."
"BUT WHAT I SUCKED WAS MY FOREFINGER."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5crstm/what_you_need_to_attend_anatomy_class/
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Did you hear about Trump's tax plan?

Declare that the US has a $900 million loss so we all don't have to pay taxes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5crrgt/did_you_hear_about_trumps_tax_plan/
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If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5crpl7/if_you_have_a_bee_in_your_hand_what_do_you_have/
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Why Can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes, you can get rid of cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5crpgf/why_cant_you_compare_donald_trump_to_cancer/
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What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5crohu/what_does_a_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
%
What do homeless people get for Christmas?

Hypothermia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5crnl5/what_do_homeless_people_get_for_christmas/
%
A Dane, Swede and a Norwegian stumbled upon a magic fairy next to three pools.

The fairy told them that she would turn the water in each of the pools into whatever they want once they jump in the water. The Norwegian immediatly jumps and shouts "Soda!" and the water turns to soda. The Dane is up next, and he screams "Orange juice!" and the water turns to orange juice. When it's the Swede's turn, he gets ready to leap. He runs towards the edge when he accidentaly slips and exclaims "Oh, shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5crm5p/a_dane_swede_and_a_norwegian_stumbled_upon_a/
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Two black guys are taking a piss off a bridge...

The first one says "damn this waters cold", the second guy says "yeah, deep too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5crke3/two_black_guys_are_taking_a_piss_off_a_bridge/
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So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo...

...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5crij2/so_a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo/
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If Trump divorces Melania while in office...

Will she rule half the country?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5crgq8/if_trump_divorces_melania_while_in_office/
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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5crfzi/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
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How much energy did Hitler use during his reign?

6 million killajews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5crf1i/how_much_energy_did_hitler_use_during_his_reign/
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Why was math so easy in ancient Rome?

x always equals 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5crcd3/why_was_math_so_easy_in_ancient_rome/
%
What do you call a pile of kittens?

A Meowntain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5crbzt/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_kittens/
%
The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cray0/the_illegals_protesting_with_mexican_flags/
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What's Asian on top and black on bottom?

IQ distribution graph

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5craxe/whats_asian_on_top_and_black_on_bottom/
%
What's Donald Trump's favorite drink?

A white Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cr8c1/whats_donald_trumps_favorite_drink/
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What's the difference between your mom and the Empire State Building?

Not everyone's been up the Empire State Building

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cr5ah/whats_the_difference_between_your_mom_and_the/
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Why did Obama take all the pencils and pens when he left?

Cuz he knew Trump would bring his own Pence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cr3k7/why_did_obama_take_all_the_pencils_and_pens_when/
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A truck driver stops at a roadside diner

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner one day to grab some lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, a coffee and a slice of apple pie. Just as he was about to eat them, three big hairy bikers walked in.
The first biker grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger and took a big bite from it.
The second biker picked up the trucker’s coffee and downed it in one gulp.
The third biker ate the trucker’s apple pie.
The truck driver didn’t do anything or say a word as all this went on.
When they finished, he just paid the waitress and left.
The first biker said to the waitress, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?”
“He’s not much of a driver, either,” the waitress replied. “He’s just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorbikes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cr1ro/a_truck_driver_stops_at_a_roadside_diner/
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Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?

I hear the food is good but there's no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cr11p/have_you_heard_about_the_new_restaurant_on_the/
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This really crashes my belief system.

Hilary Clinton spent 40 years building up her career to lose presidency to a man who picked up politics as a hobby last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqzxo/this_really_crashes_my_belief_system/
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Why was Doughman the only hero to rise up and help?

because he was kneaded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqzks/why_was_doughman_the_only_hero_to_rise_up_and_help/
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Duck Duck Grape

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The irritated bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqy6z/duck_duck_grape/
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In the Garden of Eden...

In the Garden of Eden, Eve wore a fig leaf. Do you know what Adam wore?
A hole in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqxp2/in_the_garden_of_eden/
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I'm worried about my relationship with my anorexic girlfriend...

...I'm seeing less and less of her each day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqvjh/im_worried_about_my_relationship_with_my_anorexic/
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What's the worse thing to hear during a prostate exam?

A zip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqrt2/whats_the_worse_thing_to_hear_during_a_prostate/
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I recommend everyone to go swimming with piranhas.

It's a once in a lifetime experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqr8z/i_recommend_everyone_to_go_swimming_with_piranhas/
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When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqqh7/when_i_was_6_santa_gave_me_coal_for_christmas_so/
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[NSFW] A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

"Mother, where do babies come from?" the girl asks.
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues,
"That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina."  "That’s how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth.  What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqosx/nsfw_a_mother_is_in_the_kitchen_making_dinner_for/
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Why was the Trebuchet so rude?

It was an offensive siege weapon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqjwd/why_was_the_trebuchet_so_rude/
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One day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off

along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people
got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a  wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and  said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Now, the driver was only five feet three, thin, and basically
meek. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he
wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that and so forth.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once  again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" With a surprised
look on his face, Big John replied,
"Big John has a bus pass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqji2/one_day_a_bus_driver_went_to_the_bus_garage/
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A Buddhist buys a hotdog and gives the vendor a $20 bill..

He takes a bite and then says "wheres my change?"
The vendor replies "change only comes from within"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqhcw/a_buddhist_buys_a_hotdog_and_gives_the_vendor_a/
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The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class

"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"
Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."
Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."
Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."
The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.
"Well," says Little Davey, "every day my Dad bangs on our bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqhc6/the_pope_is_teaching_a_sunday_school_class/
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[NSFW] A boy visited his grandparents.

His grandpa takes him fishing. They are out on the water when grandpa pulls out a cigar. The boy says, "Hey grandpa, can I have one?"
Grandpa says, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
The boy says, "No"
Grandpa says, "Well, then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa pulls out a beer. The boys says, "Hey Grandpa, can I have one?"
Grandpa says, "If your dick can't touch your ass, you're not old enough."
They continue fishing, and later on they are eating lunch when the boy pulls out some cookies. Grandpa says, "Hey, can I have one of those?"
The boy says, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Grandpa says, "Yeah!"
The boy says, "Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these cookies for me."
Sorry if repost. Never seen it on Reddit before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqgxw/nsfw_a_boy_visited_his_grandparents/
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How often do I tell chemistry jokes?

Periodically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqfok/how_often_do_i_tell_chemistry_jokes/
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What's E.T. short for?

His legs are small.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqf90/whats_et_short_for/
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I'd like a job cleaning mirrors

Because it's something I can see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqf2w/id_like_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
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Did you hear about the guy who invented Knock-Knock jokes?

He won the no bell prize!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqeqp/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_invented/
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How much is Donald Trump's life insurance?

Just one pence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqe4f/how_much_is_donald_trumps_life_insurance/
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What's Al-Qaeda's favorite American football team?

The New York jets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqceh/whats_alqaedas_favorite_american_football_team/
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A couple of years ago, one night...

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.
Now, I didn't know Joseph that well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. He had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months.
Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
If it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqaoh/a_couple_of_years_ago_one_night/
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My girlfriend has been crying for hours now after the loss of a child.

She takes The Sims very seriously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cqael/my_girlfriend_has_been_crying_for_hours_now_after/
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Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.
“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.
“They’re Carol’s.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cq5b8/entrance_to_heaven/
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One day Mr. Rabbit was hopping through the woods..

He was out hopping through the woods, enjoying nature.  After hopping around for a while he came across Mr. Deer, who was sparking-up a joint.  Mr. Rabbit approached him and said, "Mr. Deer, you don't need that stuff.  We have all of this beautiful nature to enjoy.  Put that out, and come frolic with me."  After a bit of convincing, Mr. Deer agrees.  He snuffs out his joint, and they take-off.  Now the two of them are out frolicking together, laughing and enjoying the beautiful landscape.  Before too long they come across Mr. Bear.  Mr. Bear was slumped over a stump, where he was cutting up lines.  The two approach him, and Mr. Rabbit says, "Mr. Bear, you don't need that stuff.  We have all of this beautiful nature to enjoy.  Put down that blade, and come frolic with us."  Mr. Bear took a little more convincing than their friend, Mr. Deer, but he gave in.  He swept the remaining blow off of the stump, and joined them in their frolicking.  Now the three of them are out frolicking, enjoying the beautiful nature, laughing, and just having a real swell time.  After a little while they come across Mr. Wolf, who was lurking in the shadows, working on tying-off.  He had his needle ready to go, but before he could shoot-up he heard Mr. Rabbit's voice.  He said, "Come on Mr. Wolf, you don't need to be doing that stuff.  Just look around at all of this beauty here for us to enjoy.  Come frolic with us, and enjoy it."  Mr. Wolf, who was annoyed that he had been interrupted, looked to Mr. Bear and said, "Why is it that whenever this damn rabbit takes ecstasy we have to run around the woods like a bunch of idiots?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cq1go/one_day_mr_rabbit_was_hopping_through_the_woods/
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On a ship

A captain and a rich man were talking in a cabin of a very large yacht.
'I had one of these yachts once,' the rich man told the captain.
'Sold it?' the captain asked.
'No. I wanted to show my parents that I appreciated how they brought me up in life and how they helped me become the prosperous man today, so I let them stay on it and have a week in the USA where the yacht was going.'
'Is that so? So what happened to the yacht then?'
'It sunk in the middle of the Atlantic. I hadn't made sure that all the security checks had been made before it set off, and now I'm living a life of depression and guilt. That's why I'm on this yacht today. I want to make a little prayer while we cross the Atlantic for my parents.'
'I'm so sorry, lad. I think we'll both make a prayer for them when we've got to the Atlantic.'
'That'll be great,' the rich man said.
So the two men made a prayer for the rich man's parents, and it was lead by the rich man.
'God, I pray you allow my parents to rest in peace. When I bought the dreaded yacht, I felt so proud of having a 30 million pound yacht as my property, but never in my life did I feel like my parents were so valuable.'
'30 million!?' the captain said. 'Those little shits sold it to me for 100!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cq162/on_a_ship/
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60th birthday

Last year my mother should have been celebrating her 60th birthday, but because of drugs, alcohol and many hard years of addition. we all forgot...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpyqd/60th_birthday/
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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish...

... but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpy4p/jesus_christ_fed_2000_people_with_5_loaves_of/
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There are 3 types of students in my school.

Those that are good at maths and those that are bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpxs7/there_are_3_types_of_students_in_my_school/
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My Girlfriend always says I never know when to quit joking, and to that I say...

"GOT YOUR NOSE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpxlv/my_girlfriend_always_says_i_never_know_when_to/
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What did one wall say to the other?

I'll meet you at the corner!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpx9w/what_did_one_wall_say_to_the_other/
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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpump/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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My dad and i were driving past a cemetery

When suddenly my dad said in a serious toned voice
"I know something you don't know about this place.The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"
And i was really confused so i asked why and he said
"Because they are still alive."
Original: tumblr user @hello.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cptp8/my_dad_and_i_were_driving_past_a_cemetery/
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How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpsok/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
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My wife and I decided to not have children.

The kids are pretty upset.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpshu/my_wife_and_i_decided_to_not_have_children/
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How are martinis like breasts?

They are better shaken, not stirred.
I usually have one in my hand.
One is too few and three are two many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpqy3/how_are_martinis_like_breasts/
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On the roof of a very tall building are four men...

One is Asian, one is Mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The Asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the Mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpmk5/on_the_roof_of_a_very_tall_building_are_four_men/
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I've noticed that I can't leave the house without listening to Highway to Hell 3 times.

I think I might have OCDC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpgcb/ive_noticed_that_i_cant_leave_the_house_without/
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"Hey son what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?"

"You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!"
"Not this time, your dog died."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpfxz/hey_son_what_has_4_legs_and_doesnt_breathe/
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A young man knocks on the door of his Girlfriend, who lives with her parents...

Her dad opens the door.
"Good day, Sir. My name is Tobias, I am here to fuck your daugther."
"To WHAT???
"Tobias."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpeve/a_young_man_knocks_on_the_door_of_his_girlfriend/
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What doesn't Princess Leia like toy guns?

Because the Nerf hurt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpe69/what_doesnt_princess_leia_like_toy_guns/
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What do the Mafia and vaginas have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cpakq/what_do_the_mafia_and_vaginas_have_in_common/
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I have proof that the FBI has no sense of humor

[REDACTED]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cp977/i_have_proof_that_the_fbi_has_no_sense_of_humor/
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I met a girl with 12 nipples once...

Sounds funny
Dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cp71l/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples_once/
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What did Spock find in the Enterprises's toilet?

...
...
...
...
...
...
The captain's log!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cp6ge/what_did_spock_find_in_the_enterprisess_toilet/
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How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cp615/how_is_playing_a_bagpipe_like_throwing_a_javelin/
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Doctor says to his patient "you have cancer and Alzheimer"..

Patient looks at him and says: "At least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cp48t/doctor_says_to_his_patient_you_have_cancer_and/
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What did Hillary say when she bumped into Barack Obama at the White House?

Pardon me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cp0n0/what_did_hillary_say_when_she_bumped_into_barack/
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A woman answers the door to her husband's best friend...

He says, "Hello, is your husband home?
She says, "No, he's at the store. Why don't you come in a wait for him?"
So they go inside and after a few minutes of silence he tells her, "Man, you have really amazing tits! I'll pay you $100 just to see one of them."
She thinks about it for a second then decides, "What the Hell?" and shows him one of her tits for a couple seconds then puts it away. Then he puts $100 on the table.
They sit awkwardly for a few more minutes, then he says, "That was amazing, I gotta see more! I'll tell you what, if you show me both of them I'll give you another $100."
She thinks for a second, then shows him both of her tits and let him stare at them for a good minute. He thanks her and puts another $100 on the table, then tells her he's just going to leave now.
A little while later her husband comes home and she tells him, "Hey your friend came by earlier."
He says, "Great. Did he bring the $200 he owes me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cozx2/a_woman_answers_the_door_to_her_husbands_best/
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Johnny's mother called his father at work...

"Johnny just swallowed a nickle and spit up two dimes, what do I do??"
"Keep feeding him nickles!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5coz4i/johnnys_mother_called_his_father_at_work/
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A man steps onto an elevator with a woman inside...

He asks her, "Where are you headed today Miss?"
She says, "I'm on my way to the blood bank to donate blood."
The man asks, "How much do you get for that?"
She responds, "$20."
He then says, "Really? I'm on my way to the sperm bank, they pay me $100."
She looks angry about that, and then they part ways.
The next day the man gets on the elevator again to see the same woman. He says, "What a coincidence seeing you again. Where are you headed today?"
She responds, "To the sperm bank." with her mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5coz3f/a_man_steps_onto_an_elevator_with_a_woman_inside/
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What's Hitler's favorite Pokemon?

Nein-Tales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5coylo/whats_hitlers_favorite_pokemon/
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A chemistry lab is like a giant party;

Some people like dropping acid, others prefer dropping the base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5coxro/a_chemistry_lab_is_like_a_giant_party/
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It's Bill and Hillary Clinton's fiftieth anniversary...

As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. "Bill," she says. "You know that box in the basement you told me never to open?"
"Yes" says Bill.
"It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it."
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked, "I found three empty beer bottles and seventy seven dollars. Can I ask why you were keeping three empty beer bottles?"
"Well, Hillary. I'm going to be honest. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I would come home and open a beer. I would drink it thinking about how I really love you and how sorry I was. The beer bottles are reminders of the mistakes I made cheating on you."
Hillary was surprised but she knew his past and accepted it. "Bill, I'm dissapointed, but we have been through worse. I love you and I forgive you. Can I ask why there was seventy seven dollars in the box?"
Bill shrugged. "Everytime the box filled up with beer bottles, I took them back for the deposit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cox1k/its_bill_and_hillary_clintons_fiftieth_anniversary/
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Forget Washington, Lincoln, JFK. Trump Is Simply Going To Be The Best President

To Have Come in A Melania.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cowql/forget_washington_lincoln_jfk_trump_is_simply/
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Two Antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married

The wedding wasn't great but the reception was brilliant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cowj3/two_antennae_met_on_a_roof_fell_in_love_and_got/
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Why did the dentist vote for Trump?

He likes to keep things white and straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5couu3/why_did_the_dentist_vote_for_trump/
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A naked woman robbed a bank...

No one could remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5coufi/a_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank/
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What does Pittsburgh have in common with Peter Pan?

The Pirates always lose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cou85/what_does_pittsburgh_have_in_common_with_peter_pan/
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What do you call a dad joke in Jamaica?

Dreadful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cosry/what_do_you_call_a_dad_joke_in_jamaica/
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How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ?

Diagon alley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cosn0/how_does_harry_potter_like_his_sandwiches_to_be/
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cos8u/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
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[NSFW] If you're born with a penis you're a boy, a vagina, you're a girl, but......

If your born with a couple of cunts for parents then you're probably gender neutral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cor18/nsfw_if_youre_born_with_a_penis_youre_a_boy_a/
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What do you call a company that makes Mexicans?

A MexiCo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5conj6/what_do_you_call_a_company_that_makes_mexicans/
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Pun Contest

There was a man who entered a local papers pun competition.. He sent in ten different puns in hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5comke/pun_contest/
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You know the difference between my birthday and a courtroom?

My dad shows up at a courtroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cok81/you_know_the_difference_between_my_birthday_and_a/
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Two guys are sleeping in the woods...

Two campers are sleeping in the woods, Bob and Jim. Bob wakes up his friend: "Hey Jim, wake up. Look up at the stars and tell me what you see." &nbsp;
Jim: Well, I see a cloudless sky which will likely lead into a dry and balmy morning. I see that the North star is visible, meaning we are in the summer solstice of the Earth's rotation. I see that there are millions of stars, each harnessing the potential for habitable life. I see that whatever God may or may not exist, we exist in a universe that is both perplexing and terrifying at the same time, as our role in this universe is small and we a nothing but a glimpse of significance.
What do you see?
Bob: Somebody stole our tent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cojnt/two_guys_are_sleeping_in_the_woods/
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I bought myself a new hairdryer but it's faulty.

It sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cojlz/i_bought_myself_a_new_hairdryer_but_its_faulty/
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2016 Denial

2017 Anger
2018 Bargaining
2019 Depression
2020 Acceptance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5coh6y/2016_denial/
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Give a man a pizza and he eats for a day

Teach a man how to make a pizza and he will work minimum wage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cogqb/give_a_man_a_pizza_and_he_eats_for_a_day/
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How do you get four old ladies to yell "SHIT!"

Get a fifth old lady to yell "BINGO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cogj8/how_do_you_get_four_old_ladies_to_yell_shit/
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The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5coecy/the_sergeantmajor_growled_at_the_young_soldier_i/
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If someone tries to assassinate Trump what will the secret service shout?

"Donald, duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5coeay/if_someone_tries_to_assassinate_trump_what_will/
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Incest...

When you hit a little too close to home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cocmi/incest/
%
I went to the library today and said, "I'd like to check these books out."

The librarian said, "Sorry, that's actually against the rules."
"Huh?!"
The librarian replied, "You see, checking them out only makes them shelf conscious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5coc9r/i_went_to_the_library_today_and_said_id_like_to/
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I hate people who don't know the difference between "you're" and "your".

There so stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5co6i0/i_hate_people_who_dont_know_the_difference/
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It was a terrible summer for humpty dumpty

But he had a great fall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5co37i/it_was_a_terrible_summer_for_humpty_dumpty/
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Rest in peace boiling water

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5co30w/rest_in_peace_boiling_water/
%
I recently attempted the world record for masturbation.

I nearly pulled it off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5co29c/i_recently_attempted_the_world_record_for/
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5co274/why_do_fish_live_in_salt_water/
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Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5co1rj/gambler/
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An 85 and 25 year old's wedding night

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5co1iv/an_85_and_25_year_olds_wedding_night/
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You know what they say about citing a source with more than 2 authors..

It's not hard et al.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnxil/you_know_what_they_say_about_citing_a_source_with/
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For those of you who voted for Trump...

You did the Reich thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnx1t/for_those_of_you_who_voted_for_trump/
%
I'll never read pride & prejudice

I'm way to good to get into a book that probably goes all preachy on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnvgq/ill_never_read_pride_prejudice/
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Trump is like Hurricane Matthew

The media is talking about it nonstop. Nobody knows how bad it's going to be, but you can't help shake your head at the Floridan who ignores the warning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnszb/trump_is_like_hurricane_matthew/
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A rather bad man dies and meets Satan...

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.
"I think i'll go with the second one," he said as he headed back to the second door. Satan then asked him "wait, why would you rather constantly be standing on your head?" The man replied "well you see, I am subscribed to r/jokes and every two weeks I'm reminded exactly what to do in a situation like this"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnsa8/a_rather_bad_man_dies_and_meets_satan/
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Did you hear Vladimir Putin made a travel sized Russia?

It is the perfect country to Putin your pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnrjv/did_you_hear_vladimir_putin_made_a_travel_sized/
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I took a laxative and smoked some weed.

You know just for shits and giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnq11/i_took_a_laxative_and_smoked_some_weed/
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Little Sally was digging a hole in her backyard...

...when her neighbor asked what she was doing.
"I'm burying my pet bird", Sally said.
Her neighbor asked:  "Isn't that an awfully big hole, for such a little bird?"
Sally replied:  "Yeah, except he's inside your fucking cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnork/little_sally_was_digging_a_hole_in_her_backyard/
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Dogs can't operate an MRI machine but...

Catscan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnnf8/dogs_cant_operate_an_mri_machine_but/
%
What's the difference between the Circus and the Playboy Mansion?

If I went to the mansion I would be the elephant in the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnmxd/whats_the_difference_between_the_circus_and_the/
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The Priest's Rooster

The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.
He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.
"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.
"No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnlx0/the_priests_rooster/
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What is the difference between your wife and your job?

5 years later your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnlsr/what_is_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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The genius drunkard

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill." In disgust the bartender says, "what, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnlpv/the_genius_drunkard/
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Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank

Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnkw6/give_a_man_a_gun_and_he_will_rob_a_bank/
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I am 57 seconds older than my twin.

So when I come out of the bathroom, I tell him: "When I was your age ..." and proceed to describe the majestic business I have just finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnki5/i_am_57_seconds_older_than_my_twin/
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What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnk4m/whats_a_horny_pirates_worst_nightmare/
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Two amazing jokes by Anthony Jeselnik

"Me and girlfriend..... we’re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I’ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."
"My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn’t religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad’s head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnk0z/two_amazing_jokes_by_anthony_jeselnik/
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A lawyer finds a magical lamp

A lawyer is stranded in the middle of the desert. He finds a lamp and rubs it. Magically, a genie comes out of the lamp and says
>"You have freed me. You now have three wishes. But you should know, whatever you wish for, all the other lawyers on Earth will get double."
The man says
> "I understand. My first wish will be a large beach house."
The genie snapped his fingers and said
>"Your new beach house is waiting for you. But all the other lawyers on Earth have two beach houses right next to yours."
>"That's fine"
the man said.
>"How about a nice sports car?"
The genie snapped his fingers and said
> "Your brand new sports car is in your garage. But all the other lawyers on Earth now have two sports cars. You have one more wish."
The man thought and thought about what his last wish should be. After a few hours of thinking, he stood up and told the genie
>"I always wanted to donate a kidney."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cniyh/a_lawyer_finds_a_magical_lamp/
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I told my comrades that the commissar is an idiot. I got 31 years gulag...

1 year for insulting a political officer,
30 years for revealing a state secret

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnidb/i_told_my_comrades_that_the_commissar_is_an_idiot/
%
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cni2l/i_caught_my_wife_cheating_with_my_best_friend/
%
I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnhxd/i_told_a_girl_in_the_pub_about_my_ability_to/
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What's the best part about having a hooker die on you?

The second hour is free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cngzh/whats_the_best_part_about_having_a_hooker_die_on/
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How do you kill a black widow?

You take away her food stamps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cngkb/how_do_you_kill_a_black_widow/
%
The cucumber, pickle, and the penis

So there was a cucumber, pickle, and penis talking about how bad their lives were.
The cucumber says, "My life is terrible! When I get big and hard they chop me up and put me in a salad!!"
The pickle says, "That's nothing! When I get big and hard, they stick my in a jar full of vinegar and vacuum seal me!"
The penis says, "My life is the worst! When I get big and hard they put a rubber tarp on my head and stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cngi4/the_cucumber_pickle_and_the_penis/
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My friend always wants to talk about the scientific principle of buoyancy.

It's not interesting to me, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cngec/my_friend_always_wants_to_talk_about_the/
%
What is long, hard and full of sperm ?

The sock under my bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnels/what_is_long_hard_and_full_of_sperm/
%
My dad used to beat me while playing chess...

Because I'd always win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cnaj2/my_dad_used_to_beat_me_while_playing_chess/
%
A girl goes to a Church to confess.....

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cn96d/a_girl_goes_to_a_church_to_confess/
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Where's the best place to do a mannequin challenge?

In a morgue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cn8wx/wheres_the_best_place_to_do_a_mannequin_challenge/
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Asked my magic 8 ball if I should turn my lights off or not...

It said "ON"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cn8u5/asked_my_magic_8_ball_if_i_should_turn_my_lights/
%
Son tells overprotective parent he is joining the army

"The ARMY? Are you fucking insane? Do you want to live in constant fear? Do you want to have some psycho drill sergeant hovering over you and controlling your every fucking move?!"
"No. That's why I'm leaving home and joining the army."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cn8i0/son_tells_overprotective_parent_he_is_joining_the/
%
A guy in school said that my clothes were gay

"Well, yes", I told him "they came out of the closet this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cn7c7/a_guy_in_school_said_that_my_clothes_were_gay/
%
What do you get after 5 days of wanking?

A weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cn6i4/what_do_you_get_after_5_days_of_wanking/
%
You know what Trump and the Note 7 have in common?

You know it will blow up, just not when.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cn6hs/you_know_what_trump_and_the_note_7_have_in_common/
%
They say if you've seen one connected group of stores

You've seen a mall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cn4yj/they_say_if_youve_seen_one_connected_group_of/
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How many anti-Trump protesters does it take to change a lightbulb?

TRICK QUESTION. THEY CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cmwc6/how_many_antitrump_protesters_does_it_take_to/
%
I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they are using

All of them yelled "get the fuck out of my bathroom you fucking perv!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cmv2h/i_asked_100_women_what_kind_of_shampoo_they_are/
%
I only like brown rice not white rice.

I think that makes me a ricist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cmua6/i_only_like_brown_rice_not_white_rice/
%
Oscar Wilde once boasted that he could make a pun on any subject...

Someone called out "The Queen!"
"Ah", replied Wilde, "but the Queen is not a subject."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cmsx2/oscar_wilde_once_boasted_that_he_could_make_a_pun/
%
Two blondes stood on a riverbank across one another...

One blonde yells out, "How do I get to the other side?"
The other blonde replies, "You ARE on the other side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cmobz/two_blondes_stood_on_a_riverbank_across_one/
%
What's the difference between an orphanage and a beach ball?

You won't go to prison for blowing up a beach ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cmfvu/whats_the_difference_between_an_orphanage_and_a/
%
Say what you want about pedophiles

At least they drive slowly near schools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cmfad/say_what_you_want_about_pedophiles/
%
One day, at Webster Dictionary's Word Assignment Briefing...

"Nichols," Mr. Lipney, lead word assigner, said, "I'm trusting you to define plethora for next year's edition."
"Thanks Mr. Lipney," Nichols responds, beaming. "It means a lot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cmcs5/one_day_at_webster_dictionarys_word_assignment/
%
My Grandpa once said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"
Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cmco7/my_grandpa_once_said_your_generation_relies_too/
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How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?

It’s when the blind try to read your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cmclq/how_can_you_tell_you_have_a_really_bad_case_of/
%
I quit my job as a coffee shop manager

The daily grind was just too much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cmb21/i_quit_my_job_as_a_coffee_shop_manager/
%
I came up with a new word that means taking someone else's work and passing it off as my own.

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cm4v3/i_came_up_with_a_new_word_that_means_taking/
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks

So I tried it, and it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cm436/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_falling_rocks/
%
A child is sitting on a park bench, stuffing his face with candy. A middle-aged man walks by, and says to the boy with disgust...

..."Boy, you'll rot your teeth and your mind eating sweets like that."
The boy replies "well, my grandfather lived to 109."
"By eating candy like that?" asks the man.
"No," says the boy. "By minding his own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cm42j/a_child_is_sitting_on_a_park_bench_stuffing_his/
%
Hey girl, are you a derivative?

Because I'd like to examine the slope of your curves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cm2rg/hey_girl_are_you_a_derivative/
%
It was Donald Trump's first day in office, and he had no clue what to do...

He decided to call upon the ghosts of previous great presidents to ask for their advice.
"What do I have to do to become a great president?" Trump asked the ghost of George Washington.
"You must never tell a lie," Washington responded.
Trump scoffed. "No way! do you really expect me to do that? You're useless Washington."
The ghost vanished, only to be replaced by the spirit of Thomas Jefferson. "What must I do to become a great president?" Trump asked again.
Jefferson replied, "You must always put the people's interest ahead of your own."
"Are you kidding? Let's be reasonable here," Trump exclaimed.
Jefferson disappeared, and the ghost of Abraham Lincoln took his place.
"Alright," Trump said. "Do you have any good advice for me?"
Lincoln thought for a moment and replied, "This should be an easy one. Why don't you go watch a play."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5clztd/it_was_donald_trumps_first_day_in_office_and_he/
%
When you're Russian...

There's no time for Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5clzq4/when_youre_russian/
%
A congressman was walking down the street

when suddenly a thief jumps in front of him. The thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5clzb6/a_congressman_was_walking_down_the_street/
%
Why is it difficult to break up with a Japanese girlfriend?

Because you have to drop the bomb twice for her to get the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5clz44/why_is_it_difficult_to_break_up_with_a_japanese/
%
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?

She couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5clz0u/why_did_the_blind_girl_fall_into_the_well/
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For the first time ever I find Hillary relatable.

I'm not president either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5clxpn/for_the_first_time_ever_i_find_hillary_relatable/
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I don't approve of political jokes

I have seen too many of them get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5clx72/i_dont_approve_of_political_jokes/
%
Today I saw two blind people fighting

I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife!" They both run away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5clx66/today_i_saw_two_blind_people_fighting/
%
I got in touch with my inner self today...

That's the last time I buy 1 ply toilet paper at the dollar store!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5clw1h/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
%
My Jewish family banned beans,

Ever since my grandfather died of uncontrollable gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5clv1a/my_jewish_family_banned_beans/
%
How does a man who has just had his legs cut off at the ankles feel?

Defeated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5clurb/how_does_a_man_who_has_just_had_his_legs_cut_off/
%
The bottle said to apply liberally

So I bitched and complained the whole time I used it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5clsfm/the_bottle_said_to_apply_liberally/
%
Donald Trump is the next President but...

The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cllqi/donald_trump_is_the_next_president_but/
%
A fat man decides to get in shape

A man wants to lose weight, so he calls the number for "GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS!" that he finds on Google.
A representative answers and explains: "Yes sir, our program is guaranteed to work -- and we have both a basic program and an advanced program."
"Let me try the basic program, for starters." the man says.
He gives his address, and is told that a trainer will be there within an hour.
An hour later his doorbell rings. Standing there is a beautiful woman, wearing nothing but sneakers and a sign that says "If you can catch me, I'm yours!"
She takes off running and he hurries in pursuit. An hour later he finally catches her - and has her behind some bushes.
The next day he calls again: "The basic program was great!! Now I want to try the advanced program!"
"Are you sure, sir?" the rep asks. "It's extremely strenuous."
"I'm sure!" the man replies.
An hour later his doorbell rings again. This time there's a huge, hairy muscular man, wearing only sneakers and a sign that says: "If I can catch you, you're mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5clhrs/a_fat_man_decides_to_get_in_shape/
%
I simply love my anti gravity machine....

It never lets me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5clccv/i_simply_love_my_anti_gravity_machine/
%
Donald Trump's first act in office will probably be to illegalize all shredded cheese.

He will Make America Grate Again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cl8am/donald_trumps_first_act_in_office_will_probably/
%
can a women make you a millionaire?

yes,if you are a billionaire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cl675/can_a_women_make_you_a_millionaire/
%
A jewish father's son Goes to Israel.

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cl23n/a_jewish_fathers_son_goes_to_israel/
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If I got a dollar every time somebody called me a racist

Black people would rob me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckze4/if_i_got_a_dollar_every_time_somebody_called_me_a/
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It must be shit having same-sex parents.

You either have twice the normal amount of Dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckyfg/it_must_be_shit_having_samesex_parents/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckxyx/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
My friend told me that sperm bank pays you $60 per shot

Boy, do I have an expensive sock under my bed!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckxrh/my_friend_told_me_that_sperm_bank_pays_you_60_per/
%
Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out?

I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckvtj/why_were_the_5_gorgeous_young_blonde_danish/
%
Despite all the flak the public gives him, Trump has already solved the immigration problem in just a few days after becoming President-elect

Just ask yourself, who would want to sneak into America now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckuk4/despite_all_the_flak_the_public_gives_him_trump/
%
People question the Christmas present I got for my mother

They say a fridge is a terrible gift when she already has one. But when I saw here face light up upon opening it, all doubts where gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cktdt/people_question_the_christmas_present_i_got_for/
%
Mexican jokes aren't funny

There's a border between humor and racism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckrxy/mexican_jokes_arent_funny/
%
I just completed a one month long diet...

And all I lost was 30 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cknyu/i_just_completed_a_one_month_long_diet/
%
What do you call ratting out the President's daughter for smoking weed?

High treason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cknse/what_do_you_call_ratting_out_the_presidents/
%
My Korean friend died last week...

So Yung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cklpc/my_korean_friend_died_last_week/
%
A wise chinese guy once said to me

"if the dog barks, it's undercooked"
- Some wise chinese guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckkmm/a_wise_chinese_guy_once_said_to_me/
%
Donald Trump, for the first time in his life, he goes and applies for a job

And gets the position of President of the US

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckjqo/donald_trump_for_the_first_time_in_his_life_he/
%
I hate passive-aggressive people.

_You know what you did_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckiat/i_hate_passiveaggressive_people/
%
Why haven't we found aliens yet ?

because they are searching for intelligent life too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckh7f/why_havent_we_found_aliens_yet/
%
"Mr. Brezhnev, the Americans just landed on the moon!"

Brezhnev: "If the Americans were the first on the moon, then Russians will be first on the sun!"
Scientist: "But sun is so hot that astronauts will burn alive there!"
Brezhnev: "Are you stupid? We will fly to there in the night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckgml/mr_brezhnev_the_americans_just_landed_on_the_moon/
%
What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckgix/what_does_it_mean_when_your_boyfriend_is_in_your/
%
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"

The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckgee/a_little_girl_is_having_a_tea_party_with_her/
%
What do you call a cow with epilepsy?

Beef jerky!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cke42/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_epilepsy/
%
What do you call a woman with an opinion?

Wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckdzq/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_an_opinion/
%
What does an Irish terrorist attack and a gambling addiction have in common?

Dublin down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckcrr/what_does_an_irish_terrorist_attack_and_a/
%
What's a Mexican's favorite sport?

Cross-country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckb5d/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
%
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?

I don't cry when I'm cutting up the hooker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckan5/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_an_onion/
%
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ckaeu/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_who_stole_a/
%
Why do black people have white palms?

There's a little bit of good in everybody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cka7n/why_do_black_people_have_white_palms/
%
Which playing cards are the best dancers?

The king and queen of clubs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cka05/which_playing_cards_are_the_best_dancers/
%
What is it called when a gamer fights someone?

An Asthma attack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ck7ic/what_is_it_called_when_a_gamer_fights_someone/
%
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line...

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ck6st/i_was_at_my_bank_today_waiting_in_a_short_line/
%
Generous Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: Hello?
Woman: Honey? Are you at the club?
Man: Yes.
Woman: I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it ok if i buy it?
Man: Sure, if you really like it.
Woman: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2013 models. I saw one I really liked. It's only $98,000.
Man: Ok but for that price, make sure it comes with all the options.
Woman: Great, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. Theyr'e asking for $980,000.
Man: Well then go ahead and make an offer of $950,000. They will probably take it. If not, go add the extra $30,000 if you think it's a really good price.
Woman: Thank you, I love you so much! Your'e so generous! See you later.
Man: Your'e worth it, I love you too. Bye.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open. The man turns and asks "Whose phone is this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ck6pc/generous_husband/
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How can you tell when a Canadian is successful?

He dies in his LA home at 82.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ck4kk/how_can_you_tell_when_a_canadian_is_successful/
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tattoo joke NSFW

A Girl gets two tattoos on her inner thighs: one of Mike Tyson on her right inner thigh and the other is of Evander Holifield on her left inner thigh. She points to them and asks the bartender "Does this look like Mike Tyson?" Bartender says "No." She then asks "Does this look like Evander Holifield?" Bartender says "Nope sorry." She's says "Well I want another opinion." She sees a drunk guy at the end of the bar. She points to her inner right thigh and asks him "Does this tattoo look like Mike Tyson?" Drunk guy says "No." She points to her inner left thigh and asks "Well does this tattoo look like Evander Holifield?" Drunk guy says "No but the one in the middle looks like Don King."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ck49e/tattoo_joke_nsfw/
%
I met a dyslexic woman at a bar last night...

I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ck1f7/i_met_a_dyslexic_woman_at_a_bar_last_night/
%
Doctor: "I have some bad news, and some very bad news"

Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."
Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."
[Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ck0x3/doctor_i_have_some_bad_news_and_some_very_bad_news/
%
Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?
Mom: No, Never!
Son: Well neither would he!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ck05t/mom_why_dont_you_talk_to_john_anymore_you_used_to/
%
what do you call a funny Muslim?

Muhahahammed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjz6f/what_do_you_call_a_funny_muslim/
%
Now Donald Trump is president he really needs to answer this conspiracy theory

Is wrestling real or fake?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjxkb/now_donald_trump_is_president_he_really_needs_to/
%
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel, and a dachshund?

A hot diggity dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjxhy/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_chili_pepper_a/
%
A wise Chinese man once said...

"If a dog barks... its probably undercooked".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjrz0/a_wise_chinese_man_once_said/
%
How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies." He responded.
"Oh, Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females." he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjo5g/how_to_tell_the_sex_of_a_fly/
%
Dead canary for sale.

Not going cheap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjo34/dead_canary_for_sale/
%
What do you become when you run out of coffee?

Depresso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjkol/what_do_you_become_when_you_run_out_of_coffee/
%
Rednecks get drunk and scream the N-word

thats right, NASCAR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjkkr/rednecks_get_drunk_and_scream_the_nword/
%
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjkgh/what_are_the_strongest_days_of_the_week/
%
Just one customer.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjgat/just_one_customer/
%
It must be tough having the world's best clown as your dad.

You would have such big shoes to fill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjfnm/it_must_be_tough_having_the_worlds_best_clown_as/
%
After a night out with friends a man comes stumbling home late

He's greeted by his wife looking stern with her arms crossed.
She exclaims "Drunk again!"
He replies "Me too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjfeb/after_a_night_out_with_friends_a_man_comes/
%
What do you call a female roach with a weiner?

A transpestite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjay5/what_do_you_call_a_female_roach_with_a_weiner/
%
Grandma: "I remember the days when we could walk into a grocery store with a ten dollar bill and come out with a handful of stuff"

Me: "That's cool Grandma. But you can't do it anymore, they've got cameras everywhere"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjaxj/grandma_i_remember_the_days_when_we_could_walk/
%
Googled 'how to start a fire'

got 10000 matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cjaah/googled_how_to_start_a_fire/
%
How will Donald Trump create 25 millions jobs?

By having 25 million people move to Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cj7v3/how_will_donald_trump_create_25_millions_jobs/
%
Two hour delay

A woman was cleaning the kitchen and her 5 year old son was in the living room playing with his train.
The woman hears the train stop and the boy says "this is the end of the line. So all you son's a bitches grab your bags and get your asses off the train."
The woman was shocked. She went into the living room and told her son that kind of language was not permitted in the house and sent the boy to his room for two hours.
When two hours had passed her son went back to the train. After a few minutes the train stopped. She could hear her son say" Thank you for traveling with us this afternoon. I hope you enjoyed your ride. Please watch your step as you exit the train."
The woman begins to smile being proud of her son. Her son continues, "for those of you just boarding we will be on our way shortly. And if you have a problem with the two hour delay, go see the bitch in the kitchen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cj2zq/two_hour_delay/
%
I like my coffee how I like my women.

Without some other guys dick in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cj2xd/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
%
What is it about being blind...

...that makes people want to walk their dog so much?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cixtf/what_is_it_about_being_blind/
%
How are women like condoms?

They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cit74/how_are_women_like_condoms/
%
Mike Pence doesn't believe in science

But he wants to use electricity to turn fruits into vegetables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cisu7/mike_pence_doesnt_believe_in_science/
%
The last Hillary Clinton email joke...

[defeated]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ciqu2/the_last_hillary_clinton_email_joke/
%
Why didn't the sun go to college?

He already had 28 billion degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cipt9/why_didnt_the_sun_go_to_college/
%
A cat once said we must think outside of the box

Because it shits in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cipft/a_cat_once_said_we_must_think_outside_of_the_box/
%
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was...

...she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cioqn/i_went_to_a_book_store_and_asked_the_saleswoman/
%
Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cikjf/bill_clinton_tried_to_cheer_up_hillary_this/
%
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass

Doctors describe his condition as stable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ciimo/a_man_was_hospitalized_with_6_plastic_horses_up/
%
If you fall outta your car in your driveway,

it's your own asphalt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cifzt/if_you_fall_outta_your_car_in_your_driveway/
%
Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.

Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cifkg/stopped_to_put_air_in_my_tires_today_the_pump/
%
Did you hear Donald Trump's plan for combatting global warming?

Nuclear winter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cifgy/did_you_hear_donald_trumps_plan_for_combatting/
%
There's a new movement against cutting in line.

Now that's a movement I can get behind!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cieua/theres_a_new_movement_against_cutting_in_line/
%
What happens when you put a condom inside another condom?

Conception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cido1/what_happens_when_you_put_a_condom_inside_another/
%
What did the doctor say to the infertile Princess Bride?

Inconceivable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ciafx/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_infertile_princess/
%
I'm starting to think my crippled neighbor is gay.

I am not sure if I should call him a fruit or a vegetable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ci6cj/im_starting_to_think_my_crippled_neighbor_is_gay/
%
I am feeling very optimistic.

But I bet it won't last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ci4ud/i_am_feeling_very_optimistic/
%
How do you stop all the protests and riots?

Play the national anthem. They'll all sit down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ci4mw/how_do_you_stop_all_the_protests_and_riots/
%
What do you call a promise you can't keep?

A campaign promise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ci2mj/what_do_you_call_a_promise_you_cant_keep/
%
What do you call a doctor for websites?

A URLologist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ci26d/what_do_you_call_a_doctor_for_websites/
%
What is Harry potters favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking....J.K . Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ci02c/what_is_harry_potters_favorite_way_to_get_down_a/
%
Donald Trump has banned shredded cheese.

He's going to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5chywo/donald_trump_has_banned_shredded_cheese/
%
Two moms were talking about their kids in college.

Mom 1: I'm worried about my son. He asks me for money everyday. Who knows what he is spending?
Mom 2: Thats nothing. I'm more worried about my daughter, who never asked me for any money at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5chuh6/two_moms_were_talking_about_their_kids_in_college/
%
What's the difference between jeweler, a cut down tree, and a sea captain?

A sea captain watches the seas, while a jeweler sees the watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5chq9v/whats_the_difference_between_jeweler_a_cut_down/
%
[NSFW] You know what's ironic?

That Bill Clinton's term was between two Bushes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5chpi6/nsfw_you_know_whats_ironic/
%
If the President rides equestrian without a saddle, what do you call the animal he's on?

Bare Horse One.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5chp6u/if_the_president_rides_equestrian_without_a/
%
What do you call a lighter that is only used for weed?

A highlighter
Courtesy of u/isnottoast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5chokz/what_do_you_call_a_lighter_that_is_only_used_for/
%
Some people wonder why Arnold Schwarzenegger hasn't run for President...

It's only because he's Austrian. And we all know what happened last time an Austrian came to power...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5chnvn/some_people_wonder_why_arnold_schwarzenegger/
%
What's the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5chmr9/whats_the_difference_between_oral_and_anal_sex/
%
What's the best thing about AIDS?

You're always positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5chlv9/whats_the_best_thing_about_aids/
%
The worst part of this election...

...isn't that Donald Trump won, but that fucking Amy Schumer is reneging on her promise to leave the country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5chf5h/the_worst_part_of_this_election/
%
If a Republican candidate who is hated by the GOP establishment and loathed by half the country just won the election...

...maybe Hillary should consider running as a Republican!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5chbyk/if_a_republican_candidate_who_is_hated_by_the_gop/
%
How is a woman like an airplane?

Both have cockpits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5chbmb/how_is_a_woman_like_an_airplane/
%
The Japanese flag is actually just a pie chart..

..about how many of them are scared of Godzilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cha01/the_japanese_flag_is_actually_just_a_pie_chart/
%
"Waiter, what kind of soup is this?"

"It's bean soup, sir."
"Never mind what it's been, what is it now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ch92s/waiter_what_kind_of_soup_is_this/
%
A cowboy enters the bar and orders a small whiskey.

"One dollar," says the barman and pours the drink out.
Cowboy drinks it and orders a double whiskey.
"One dollar," says the barman and pours the drink out.
The cowboy is speechless, if one dollar, then be it so.
In some time, he orders again: "Let's stop the dripping, give me the whole bottle."
"One dollar," says the barman and puts the bottle on the counter.
The cowboy is speechless again. A moment later he asks: "Hey pal, what is this shady business you're doing here? A small whiskey is a dollar, a double is a dollar and the whole bottle is a dollar...?"
Barman answers: "You know, I am not the barman. The real barman is upstairs, fucking my wife, so I thought I would fuck his business meanwhile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ch8nr/a_cowboy_enters_the_bar_and_orders_a_small_whiskey/
%
Everybody knows about Trumps reality show, "the Apprentice." But, did you know about Hillary's show?

"the Biggest Loser."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ch796/everybody_knows_about_trumps_reality_show_the/
%
I've always wanted my dad to be proud of me... It finally happened today.

I started serving at a steak house and my parents came in to see me at work.  When I asked my dad how he wanted his steak, he said "Well done, son".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ch2ye/ive_always_wanted_my_dad_to_be_proud_of_me_it/
%
They told us to get in formation

So, I started investigating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ch18h/they_told_us_to_get_in_formation/
%
PMS jokes are not funny

period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ch110/pms_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
A man says to his son: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe"?"

"You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!"
"Not this time, your dog died."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgzqz/a_man_says_to_his_son_hey_son_what_has_4_legs_and/
%
Help me reddit. I've quit smoking and I'm gaining weight

Before, I only had to reach into my pockets to feel a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgyew/help_me_reddit_ive_quit_smoking_and_im_gaining/
%
I know how to stop all these riots.

Play the national anthem, they'll all sit down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgwtz/i_know_how_to_stop_all_these_riots/
%
How many optometrist does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 or 2? 1... Or 2? 1 or 2?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgvpf/how_many_optometrist_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A son asks his dad "Dad, am I adopted?"

"Not yet son. We still haven't found anyone that wants you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cguca/a_son_asks_his_dad_dad_am_i_adopted/
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A man walked into a butchery that specialized in exotic meats.

...he immediately began browsing the shelves, but to his surprise, all he could find were ground-pork sausages. He approached the butcher.
"I thought you were supposed to have rare and exotic meats!" He shouted.
"We do," replied the butcher, "look around you."
The man glanced around again. "Those sausages aren't rare *or* exotic. That's a bunch of bologna!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgrtt/a_man_walked_into_a_butchery_that_specialized_in/
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I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too.

Hopefully they’ll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgq7l/i_married_a_beautiful_woman_a_smart_one_too/
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At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika...

At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Sir, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgpa1/at_one_of_ussrs_breadlines_during_the_perestroika/
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I went to the library and tried to take home a book on suicide

The librarian said "fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgp5e/i_went_to_the_library_and_tried_to_take_home_a/
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I walked into a bookshop

Me: "Do you have any books on turtles?"
Them "Hard back?"
Me: "Yeah, with little heads"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgp2d/i_walked_into_a_bookshop/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 had long since succumbed to Stockholm syndrome and was actively engaging with their captors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgoia/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”

The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”
Happy Veterans Day everyobody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgoee/a_drill_sergeant_had_just_chewed_out_one_of_his/
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Whats the difference between God and Donald Trump?

God doesn't think he is Donald Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgnsm/whats_the_difference_between_god_and_donald_trump/
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Sex is kinda like pizza...

It tastes better without rubber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgn29/sex_is_kinda_like_pizza/
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You think your game lag is bad?

it took Jesus *3 days* to respawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgmui/you_think_your_game_lag_is_bad/
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When I was fourteen years old, my father gave me an advice for my swimming lessons..

I listened, went to the lesson and after coming back, I talked to him.
Me: "Do you remember what you said earlier? You should put a potato in your speedo to impress the girls! I did that."
He: "So, how did it work?"
Me: "Well, you should've told me to put the potato in the front of my speedo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgktl/when_i_was_fourteen_years_old_my_father_gave_me/
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I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations

but all brooms are pretty much the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cgg6v/i_dont_mean_to_make_sweeping_generalizations/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of negative one hundred

A perfect ten, but imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cg9yt/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_negative/
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A man wakes up in a dingy slum,

with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cg8ni/a_man_wakes_up_in_a_dingy_slum/
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Never refer to a woman as a bitch. Instead, refer to her as beautiful.

Bitches love being called beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cg6xi/never_refer_to_a_woman_as_a_bitch_instead_refer/
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what is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

snowballs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cg6b4/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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How many Chinese workers does it take to make a Smartphone?

I dunno. Ask the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cg2no/how_many_chinese_workers_does_it_take_to_make_a/
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A joke from Korea

"Americans are saying that in 2016, they will either have their first woman president, or their first insane president.
Like what's the big deal? Korea did both in one election cycle back in 2012"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cg1gw/a_joke_from_korea/
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I think I could get behind Trump...

's wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cg0of/i_think_i_could_get_behind_trump/
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What do you call a rich Chinese person?

Cha Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfyw0/what_do_you_call_a_rich_chinese_person/
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Two geeks are talking over lunch.

The first guy says, "You wouldn't believe what happened this morning. A girl rode up to me on her bike, took off all her clothes, and said 'Take whatever you want!' … So I took the bike."
The second guy says, "Good choice, her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfydm/two_geeks_are_talking_over_lunch/
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What's the difference between sports and politics?

In sports, it is the winners that march down the street (parade).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfxnk/whats_the_difference_between_sports_and_politics/
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While teaching a class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfx4s/while_teaching_a_class/
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Me, my girlfriend and joe

A couple of years ago, i was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joe barged into the room from nowhere, tripped over and broke the glass table with his face. it totally ruined the moment. i didnt know Joe that well, didn't know where he was from, but i put my planned on hold just to help him through his injuries.
Joe had gotten glad shards in his eye, making him completely blind from that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. then suddenly, he disappeared along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they had bonded during the time he was getting healed and had eloped together, leaving me behind without even a note. i tried tracking them down, but to no avail.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for the cotton eye Joe, i'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfwhh/me_my_girlfriend_and_joe/
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It's raining cats and dogs outside.

I just stepped in a poodle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfvgb/its_raining_cats_and_dogs_outside/
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I don't understand why it's so hard for people in the US to get out and vote

If North Korea had an election I bet at least 300% of the population would cast a vote for Kim Jong-un

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfv9h/i_dont_understand_why_its_so_hard_for_people_in/
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I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand.

It's seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cftr9/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_to/
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I used to steal jokes

I still do, but I used to too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfquk/i_used_to_steal_jokes/
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I asked my Asian girlfriend for 69

She made me crunchy sweet and sour pork with double rice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfq7e/i_asked_my_asian_girlfriend_for_69/
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I just got LASIK done and I highly recommend it to everyone thinking about it.

20/20, would do again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfq3l/i_just_got_lasik_done_and_i_highly_recommend_it/
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Jesus take the wheel

Carlos you take the stereo, and Roberto, you take lookout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfpxx/jesus_take_the_wheel/
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We the People

~~We the People~~ We the electoral college

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfpse/we_the_people/
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The bra my boyfriend gave me is really uncomfortable.

Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfnwd/the_bra_my_boyfriend_gave_me_is_really/
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My girlfriend told me I was fucking stupid

I told her she was just clever in her own way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfllv/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_was_fucking_stupid/
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As a farmer I've heard lots of jokes about sheep.

I told them to my dog but he'd heard them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfjci/as_a_farmer_ive_heard_lots_of_jokes_about_sheep/
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Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize?

Because he was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfiuz/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_nobel_prize/
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How many protesters does it take to change a lightbulb?

**TRICK QUESTION. THEY CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfi7c/how_many_protesters_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Donald Trump Visits a School

Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "Wrong," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "Wrong," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfgoz/donald_trump_visits_a_school/
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Husband Shopping

Two women go to this new store to shop for a husband. As they enter, they are informed that they can open a door on any floor they want, but if they go up a floor, they cannot go back and must move forward. On the first floor, the see a sign that says, "These men, have high paying jobs and love children." One looks at the other and says, "That's better than not having a job or hating kids, but let's see what's further up..." Second floor has a sign that says, "These men have high paying jobs, are good looking and love kids." The women share a look of excitement, but decide to move on. Third floor says, "These men have high paying jobs, are EXTREMELY good looking, love kids, and help around the house."  One woman almost opens the door, but her friend says, "Let's see what's further up!" Fourth floor sign says, "These men have high paying jobs, are EXTREMELY good looking, love kids, help around the house and have a strong romantic streak." They paused as the considered the caveat once more. "There's one more floor," one of the women says, "Let's see what's further up!". Fifth floor sign says, "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to satisfy. Please exit the building and have a nice day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cffca/husband_shopping/
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Two nuns are riding their bicycles to the Vatican

First nun shouts to the other "I've never come this way before!"
The second nun replies "don't worry it's just the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfezk/two_nuns_are_riding_their_bicycles_to_the_vatican/
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Filipino, a Chinese, a Japanese and a bar

Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, “Whoever can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ in a creative sentence can have me for tonight.” So the Chinese guy says “I love liver and cheese.” She says “That’s not good enough” The Japanese man says “I hate liver and cheese” She says “That’s not creative” Finally, the Filipino says “Liver alone, cheese mine!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfegp/filipino_a_chinese_a_japanese_and_a_bar/
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Sex with a weatherman must suck.

Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches,
only to find out it's not even 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfdtw/sex_with_a_weatherman_must_suck/
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Why do warriors make bad business men ?

They charge too much !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cfd5b/why_do_warriors_make_bad_business_men/
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California's new slogan is...

"When they go low, we get high"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cf82n/californias_new_slogan_is/
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I am so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cf4xc/i_am_so_good_at_sleeping/
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What did Donald Trump say to Obama at the White House?

You're fired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cf0ln/what_did_donald_trump_say_to_obama_at_the_white/
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In the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done...

Barbers decide no to talk about politics, and everybody ends up not talking at all.
The air is tense. It could be almost cut with the barber's knife.
Donald's hair gets finishe first, and when the barber tries to apply some cologne to it, Donald goes nuts "Are you out of your mind? I can't come back to my house smelling like I've been in a brothel. Ivankia would go batshit crazy".
Right at that point nthe other barber finishes doing Barack's hair and goes "So Mr. President, I guess wou won't want cologne either?"
"I don't have a problem with that", says Barack with half smile on his face; "Michelle doesn't know what a brothel smells like"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cezb6/in_the_last_day_of_baracks_presidency_he_and/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...

They would eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cesc6/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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My son is a man trapped in a woman's body

he'll be born in February

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cequv/my_son_is_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
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143 year old troll

I found this history text book from 1873 at a flea market today, and it’s super old school. On page 23, there is a thing that says “look on page 150” in pencil in the top margin- so I go to page 150 and the guy had written “you are a fool for looking”. Fuckin got me bro. Trolled me 143 years in the future good for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ceoq9/143_year_old_troll/
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"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"

"Mister President, we've been over this..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ceo87/youre_telling_me_that_im_losing_my_job_because/
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Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today ...

Should of put it on aloha temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ceo3s/burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
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Women don't like bass players, apparently...

Whenever I say I like thick G-strings they allways walk away, I don't know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cekxd/women_dont_like_bass_players_apparently/
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What's the difference between a Tuna and a guitar

A tuna's a fish, you fucking retard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cekvj/whats_the_difference_between_a_tuna_and_a_guitar/
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I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs.

She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cekjr/i_asked_a_librarian_if_there_are_any_books_on/
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When I was young I used to be young and stupid.

Now I'm just stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ceiqv/when_i_was_young_i_used_to_be_young_and_stupid/
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Why do fish swim in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ceh27/why_do_fish_swim_in_salt_water/
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What do you do when a chemist dies?

You barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cedvp/what_do_you_do_when_a_chemist_dies/
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A little boy walked out of the bathroom...

..... holding his tummy and walked up to his mom and said,"Mommy I have diarreah, can you give me a Viagra?" The mom perplexed told him, "You don't take Viagra for diarreah." The little boy replied, "But thats what you told daddy to take to get his shit hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ceduw/a_little_boy_walked_out_of_the_bathroom/
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I finally told her those three magical words every woman wish to hear..

I give up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ceaby/i_finally_told_her_those_three_magical_words/
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A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ce8ha/a_teacher_asks_class_to_draw_and_colour_a_duck/
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I'm not a discriminatory person, and I'll say it again : It doesn't matter for me if you're gay, bi, trans, black

or normal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ce73h/im_not_a_discriminatory_person_and_ill_say_it/
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Donald Trump is really a proved racist and sexist, because...

He beat a woman badly in his run for the presidency and threw a black family out of a white house...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ce3dv/donald_trump_is_really_a_proved_racist_and_sexist/
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What is a nazi's favourite food?

Luftwaffles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ce34a/what_is_a_nazis_favourite_food/
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You will never see a black clown at the circus...

Because they are busy picking cotton candy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ce26j/you_will_never_see_a_black_clown_at_the_circus/
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I gave my friend an elephant

. It was standing in his living room. He said, "Thanks for the elephant". I said, "Don't mention it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ce1l1/i_gave_my_friend_an_elephant/
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I offended a girl at Ethnicity Club.

Apparently she didn't like my tone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ce0fh/i_offended_a_girl_at_ethnicity_club/
%
Did you know that 2 x 10 is the same 2 x 11

One is twenty and the other is twenty two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cdzs3/did_you_know_that_2_x_10_is_the_same_2_x_11/
%
"Well grandma," I said, "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? "

She shouted, "Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cdz0d/well_grandma_i_said_this_is_where_you_will_be/
%
How did Stalin pee?

By taking the means of production into his hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cdx7m/how_did_stalin_pee/
%
I met a nun recently, she told me she always starts her day by rolling around in mud

I told her that's a dirty habit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cduyd/i_met_a_nun_recently_she_told_me_she_always/
%
In the past, U.S.A. has had for president.....

Bush senior, Bush junior and now Bush groper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cdsiy/in_the_past_usa_has_had_for_president/
%
I think I'm emotionally constipated

...I haven't given a shit in days.
(my daughter told me this just now – new to me, hope it's new to you too)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cdqch/i_think_im_emotionally_constipated/
%
Guys, can we please stop making jokes about Donald Trump?

Otherwise, we'll all have hell toupee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cdq8a/guys_can_we_please_stop_making_jokes_about_donald/
%
What do you call a sheep without legs?

A cloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cdoih/what_do_you_call_a_sheep_without_legs/
%
Hillary Clinton says to the Devil, "What happened? You promised me that I'd win the election?"

The Devil replies, "Yeah, and you promised me a soul."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cdmio/hillary_clinton_says_to_the_devil_what_happened/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cdl5v/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
What do you call someone who can only speak one language?

“What do you call a person who can speak two languages?”
“Bilingual.”
“And three languages?”
“Trilingual.”
“What do you call someone who can only speak one language?”
“American.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cdj5s/what_do_you_call_someone_who_can_only_speak_one/
%
The fat guy who saved my life.

I was rushing down the road, on a cloudy and rainy day, thunder and lightning bursting in the distance.
I turned the corner, past a cemetery, when suddenly i heard a yell, and my body was tackled to the ground.
I hit the floor with a thud, my eyes focusing on this extremely portly guy who had just taken me down.
I was about to shout at him and ask him what the fuck he was doing, when suddenly, a lightning bolt hit the largest tree in the cemetery, toppling and falling onto the sidewalk and road, right where I was walking into.
"*O-oh my god... thank you so much! You saved my life! How did you know that was gonna happen...?*" I asked him.
"*Oh,*", he said, "*it's simple really.*"
"***I'm a four-chin teller.***"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cdiap/the_fat_guy_who_saved_my_life/
%
My son just walked in crying, saying he was scared as Trump won.

I said, fuck off, you're 22 & British. Oh yes he replied & went to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cdb9u/my_son_just_walked_in_crying_saying_he_was_scared/
%
Who is the president of the United States of America

Donald Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cd8xm/who_is_the_president_of_the_united_states_of/
%
A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cd4iz/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cd2u7/i_havent_talked_to_my_wife_in_three_weeks/
%
A can crushers job must be...

Soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ccz8e/a_can_crushers_job_must_be/
%
I'm bummed out because i was just diagnosed with alzheimer's

at least I don't have alzheimer's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ccyv2/im_bummed_out_because_i_was_just_diagnosed_with/
%
After winning the election, Donald Trump has already started with his racist agenda...

He's already kicking a black family out of their own home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ccy8z/after_winning_the_election_donald_trump_has/
%
What did the redneck say to his ex?

"Can we still be cousins?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cctqf/what_did_the_redneck_say_to_his_ex/
%
When I was younger, I was afraid of the dark.

Now I see the electric bills, and became afraid of the light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cct3j/when_i_was_younger_i_was_afraid_of_the_dark/
%
You know what's synonymous with the "This pussy grabs back" movement?

The clench of the clam movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ccs1m/you_know_whats_synonymous_with_the_this_pussy/
%
Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ccq17/bank_robber_pulls_out_gun_points_it_at_the_teller/
%
What is the capital of the United States?

Half of what it was last week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ccofc/what_is_the_capital_of_the_united_states/
%
Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their fingers through their hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ccmi6/why_do_bald_men_cut_holes_in_their_pockets/
%
Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cclga/liberals_are_acting_like_trump_is_going_to_kill/
%
Why can't Chinese emperors commit murder?

Because it's irregal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ccl50/why_cant_chinese_emperors_commit_murder/
%
The Swedish word gråtrunka means crying while masturbating.

It's a real tear jerker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cckk6/the_swedish_word_gråtrunka_means_crying_while/
%
Two Jews meet in a NY subway

a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ccicu/two_jews_meet_in_a_ny_subway/
%
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cchma/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_to/
%
I would rather have Bill Cosby as President than Donald Trump..

because if America is gonna get fucked for 4 years I wanna be asleep when it happens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ccbay/i_would_rather_have_bill_cosby_as_president_than/
%
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ccba2/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches_long/
%
Just gonna say...

Number of times Leonard Cohen died before Trump was elected - 0
Number of times after - 1
Draw your own conclusions...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cc98t/just_gonna_say/
%
Apparently you can make a career out of exhaling

It's called a blowjob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cc7l1/apparently_you_can_make_a_career_out_of_exhaling/
%
How much do you weigh after eating Chinese food?

Wonton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cc6mh/how_much_do_you_weigh_after_eating_chinese_food/
%
What do you do at a festival when the bass is too much?

Drop some acid, it'll neutralize the effect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cc6bt/what_do_you_do_at_a_festival_when_the_bass_is_too/
%
Hey, wanna hear a Hillary Clinton Joke?

[Deleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cc63i/hey_wanna_hear_a_hillary_clinton_joke/
%
[Politics] Illegal immigrants are lucky

The government is helping them escape the US
...and into mexico, where a booming ladder industry is providing plenty of jobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cc25u/politics_illegal_immigrants_are_lucky/
%
A rather bold robber...

Broke into the local police department and stole all of their toilets.
Cops report that they have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cc1gl/a_rather_bold_robber/
%
I decided to see what it was like to live as a woman.

So I sewed all the pockets of my jeans shut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cc02e/i_decided_to_see_what_it_was_like_to_live_as_a/
%
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it.

Its true. I saw it with my own eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cbz5l/i_can_cut_a_log_in_half_just_by_looking_at_it/
%
2016:

The year Brock Turner got sentenced to 3 months but America got 4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cbyx2/2016/
%
Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cbwvg/someone_stole_my_microsoft_office_and_theyre/
%
"Election" and "erection" actually have the same meaning.

They're both about a dick rising to power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cbofg/election_and_erection_actually_have_the_same/
%
Did you hear about the failed mission to Antarctica?

Their journey went south.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cbnkc/did_you_hear_about_the_failed_mission_to/
%
Trump: "Hows that Mexican mall going?"

"Mall? We thought you said wall"
Trump: "No way that's harsh, also hows that Muslim band looking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cbliy/trump_hows_that_mexican_mall_going/
%
A sloth goes to a bar to get drunk.

After a long time and a lot of drinks the bartender asks the sloth why he is there.
The sloth replies, "I'm depressed, my wife is leaving me. I bet she's already halfway through the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cbj4p/a_sloth_goes_to_a_bar_to_get_drunk/
%
Republicans didn't protest when Obama was elected...

Because they had to go to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cbicd/republicans_didnt_protest_when_obama_was_elected/
%
I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more"
Gary, you filthy bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cbgms/i_was_watching_the_news_this_morning_when_the/
%
A man was applying for a job in the navy

So, the interviewer said.
"Can you swim."
The man looked puzzled and asked.
"Why, did you run out of ships?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cbgbe/a_man_was_applying_for_a_job_in_the_navy/
%
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cbecp/theres_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
%
What's the difference between Ronald Reagan and Donald Trump?

Reagan helped tear down a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cbcdd/whats_the_difference_between_ronald_reagan_and/
%
What is the difference between being hungry and horny?

What she means by "eating out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cbbim/what_is_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
%
Guys, Trump isn't Hitler...

...because Hitler actually won the popular vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cbb0m/guys_trump_isnt_hitler/
%
If i had a dollar for every time i heard the word trump

I would have it on repeat while i slept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cb97u/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_heard_the_word/
%
Since Trump got elected 2.5 million Americans want to leave the country

That's 2.5 million jobs he's already made!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cb6im/since_trump_got_elected_25_million_americans_want/
%
What do you call a SWAT team with Snoop Dogg?

A Blunt force

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cb5nw/what_do_you_call_a_swat_team_with_snoop_dogg/
%
I'm still in a state of total shock

I mean the Cubs won the World Series

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cb5fw/im_still_in_a_state_of_total_shock/
%
Islamic state claimed responsibility

for american presidential elections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5caz7p/islamic_state_claimed_responsibility/
%
I was going to share my joke about cocaine with you

But it's only a one liner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cay70/i_was_going_to_share_my_joke_about_cocaine_with/
%
Did you hear about the feminist picnic?

Yeah, apparently it got cancelled, no one wanted to make the sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5caxp3/did_you_hear_about_the_feminist_picnic/
%
#NotMyPresident

Yes, we know. You are illegal immigrants, your president is Enrique Peña Nieto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5caubk/notmypresident/
%
What's three feet long and keeps a twat warm?

Donald Trump's scarf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cau5x/whats_three_feet_long_and_keeps_a_twat_warm/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5catse/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
I put my ear to the bedroom door and heard my wife moaning and a male grunting.

I never knew she was a ventriloquist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cassw/i_put_my_ear_to_the_bedroom_door_and_heard_my/
%
BREAKING: Barack Obama just elected President of the US

- Sent from Internet Explorer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5caph3/breaking_barack_obama_just_elected_president_of/
%
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5can2m/what_do_you_call_a_sleeping_dinosaur/
%
I told a girl a joke.

She said, "Don't quit your day job."
I said, "Thanks, I'm a comedian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cam7x/i_told_a_girl_a_joke/
%
What happens when you put two and two together?

A Siamese orgy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5calzd/what_happens_when_you_put_two_and_two_together/
%
An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!
I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5calen/an_old_one_what_lies_on_the_bottom_of_the_sea_and/
%
What do princess diana and pink floyd have in common?

Their last greatest hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cak8d/what_do_princess_diana_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
%
Medusa was the hottest woman ever.

Every man who looked at her got rock hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cajv3/medusa_was_the_hottest_woman_ever/
%
Why does Hillary keep bumping into people at the White House?

So she can be pardoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cajdw/why_does_hillary_keep_bumping_into_people_at_the/
%
People hate when I make my elevator joke

But it works on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cah30/people_hate_when_i_make_my_elevator_joke/
%
Yesterday I was arguing with a friend of mine...

He Shouted: (2,3)
Well, at least he had a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cagf2/yesterday_i_was_arguing_with_a_friend_of_mine/
%
You know why paedophiles don't play Skyrim?

No lollygagging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5caf5v/you_know_why_paedophiles_dont_play_skyrim/
%
What did the headlines read after the midget fortune-teller escaped from jail?

Small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cacdy/what_did_the_headlines_read_after_the_midget/
%
Lately, there are a lot of Leftists...

...who all think they're Right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5cac82/lately_there_are_a_lot_of_leftists/
%
I don't think most people realize that being Jewish grants you some perks...

Like free gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5caav2/i_dont_think_most_people_realize_that_being/
%
Roses are red

Congress is red
The Senate is red
The White House is red
welp
Edit x2: what the fuck did i just get gold for this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ca91c/roses_are_red/
%
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

They both had a great time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ca1lk/jeff_a_semicolon_and_an_oxford_comma_walk_into_a/
%
Two men and their donkeys meet in a city.

"Nice donkey," says the first man.
"Thank you," the second man replies, "his name is Forever. Unfortunately, he only listens to instructions given in German, so I must sell him."
He begins to walk away. The first man calls out.
"Hey! I speak German. Let's trade donkeys--but be warned, he becomes disparate and throws off your bags unless you sing to him."
"Perfect!" The other man cries. "I love to sing while traveling..." he grows suspicious. "Just in case, let's ride the other's donkey to the next city, as a test."
They agreee and embark. The first man arrives in the city without a hitch. He waits until nighttime, but the other man nor his donkey show. He waits another night, and another.
Right before the first man decides to go out searching, the second strolls into the city unharmed.
"What happened?!" The man cries. "You took forever!"
"No," the second man argues angrily. "*You* took Forever. I've been on your ass the entire time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ca04m/two_men_and_their_donkeys_meet_in_a_city/
%
What's an Australian kiss?

It's like a French kiss, just down under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9wtl/whats_an_australian_kiss/
%
I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9ug2/i_was_browsing_rjokes_last_night_and_my/
%
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Does anyone in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9tz4/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_to_the_barman/
%
Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking

It's as hard as it is to start flossing
- Mitch Hedberg
I miss this man every day :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9t1m/man_you_dont_know_how_hard_it_is_to_quit_smoking/
%
When you're a celebrity

sleeping in front of a fan means something totally different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9nyf/when_youre_a_celebrity/
%
Did you know that chickens die after they have sex?

Well.. at least the one I had sex with did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9mzj/did_you_know_that_chickens_die_after_they_have_sex/
%
There were four engineers in a car..

..A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and an IT engineer. They were driving down the road when the car suddenly broke down.
"It must be the engine!" Said the mechanical engineer.
"Hang on, it's the battery, I know all about this." Replied the electrical engineer.
"It has to be the fuel! I'm an expert on this you know." The chemical engineer chimed in.
"Nah, nah. I know what it is." Said the IT engineer. "We all have to get out of the car, and back in again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9mjt/there_were_four_engineers_in_a_car/
%
'Doctor, I have a drinking problem!'

'I'm always drunk whenever I'm traveling between countries!'
Doctor - 'Sounds like you're a borderline alcoholic.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9ljs/doctor_i_have_a_drinking_problem/
%
A Scotsman, and Englishman, and a Chinese man take a hotair ballon ride over the UK...

As they take off, the Scotsman gazes down and marvels "Ahh my beautiful Scotland!"
As the cross the border the Englishman gazes down and says "Ahh my beautiful England!"
The Chinese man takes out a saucer, throws it over the side and says "Ahh my beautiful china!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9k3g/a_scotsman_and_englishman_and_a_chinese_man_take/
%
Dentist: "When did you floss last?"

Me: "Don't you remember?  You were there..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9ijp/dentist_when_did_you_floss_last/
%
Today I found my first grey pubic hair.

I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the elevator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9hv6/today_i_found_my_first_grey_pubic_hair/
%
I wish I could drown my problems

Unfortunately, my wife won't get in the ocean in with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9fg2/i_wish_i_could_drown_my_problems/
%
My Version Of Flirting!

My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive and hoping they're braver than I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9efg/my_version_of_flirting/
%
Why do farmers have potential to become great judges?

They recognize bullshit from miles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9eaw/why_do_farmers_have_potential_to_become_great/
%
What do you get when you put 50 politicians and 50 lesbians in a room together?

100 cunts that don't do dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c9dlt/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_50_politicians_and/
%
If Donald Trump has been married three times...

Does that make Melania the "Third Lady"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c96ej/if_donald_trump_has_been_married_three_times/
%
The onion family

(A colleague just told me this yesterday, and I remembered Christopher Hitchens telling his version on a CSPAN stand-up several years ago during an election so I searched and it's here if anyone is interested.)
A mother, father and daughter onion are out for a walk. They get to the streetlight at an intersection and as the walk sign lights up, they begin to cross but a careless driver catches the daughter onion and she rolls to the side of the road, horribly injured.
She is rushed to the hospital and after a few hours the doctor comes to the waiting room to speak to the parents. "Sir, ma'am, I have good news and bad news."
"Okay, give it to us Doc, we want to know how she's doing."
"Well," says the doctor, "the good news is your daughter is going to live." The parent onions feel a huge relief, then ask for the bad news. "The bad news is, she's going to be a vegetable for the rest of her life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c964s/the_onion_family/
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Dave has an awesome job

Dave was commissioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost.
"It's all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We'll get there in time."
The Pope took the wheel with Dave sitting in the back seat. He drove like an expert, taking sharp turns easily. The Pope, not wanting to be late for his flight, didn't realize how fast he was going. Soon the red and blue lights flashed behind him.
"It will be okay, son." The Pope reassured Dave, who was nervous about getting fired. The police officer walked up to the driver's side. The Pope lowered the window, to the officer's surprise.
"Uh, do you know how fast you were going, your Holiness?"
"I didn't mean to, sir. It won't happen again."
The officer let the him off with a warning. He then called into dispatch.
"Any problems, officer?"
"Sir, I just stopped a really important person."
"Is it the Mayor?"
"No, Sir" says the officer, "someone more important"
"The Governor?"
"Even more important than that."
"The President?!?!?!?" asks the dispatch.
"Even more important than him?"
"For God's sake, who the hell is it?" the dispatch is now incredulous
"I'm not sure, but his driver is the Pope!" blurts out the officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c947k/dave_has_an_awesome_job/
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Somebody stole my mood ring...

...I don't know how I feel about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c90me/somebody_stole_my_mood_ring/
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What do you call it when you get a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c90k7/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_a_boner_at_a/
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Trump: "Knock knock"

Hillary: "Who's there?"
Trump: "Interrupting Donald Trump"
Hillary: "Interrupting Donald Tr-"
Trump: "WRONG"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c8w7d/trump_knock_knock/
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A boy asks his father

The difference between up and down.
His Father says 'You don't have up syndrome'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c8top/a_boy_asks_his_father/
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Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

A: Because he was sitting on the deck !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c8r6b/q_why_couldnt_the_pirate_play_cards/
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What borders stupidity?

Canada and Mexico.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c8pp3/what_borders_stupidity/
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A child tells the make a wish foundation.

So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.
So they ask trump, he obliges.
Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"
The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c8ofh/a_child_tells_the_make_a_wish_foundation/
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They say that nothing can be erased from the Internet...

Except for Hillary's emails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c8o0y/they_say_that_nothing_can_be_erased_from_the/
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Baby, are you today's date?

Because you're 11/10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c8fwx/baby_are_you_todays_date/
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Where was the first chicken fried?

In Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c8eyi/where_was_the_first_chicken_fried/
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Why does America use Mexicans to pick our oranges?

As we saw on Tuesday, it takes 1/2 of America to pick an Orange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c8cbn/why_does_america_use_mexicans_to_pick_our_oranges/
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I have a boat that beats all other boats in races...

... It's a champion ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c8ad0/i_have_a_boat_that_beats_all_other_boats_in_races/
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What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c88y8/what_bleeds_once_a_month_in_the_mouth/
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A guy says to the other...

"Marriage has taken all the joy out of sex."
"How so?"
"You know, there is always the terrifying chance of my wife coming home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c887i/a_guy_says_to_the_other/
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what do you call a gang made up of cookies?

oatmeal raisin hell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c87s7/what_do_you_call_a_gang_made_up_of_cookies/
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Congrats Trump!!

Your the first person to fuck Hillary since 1998

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c87j7/congrats_trump/
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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c878r/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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Why does Santa have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c86x2/why_does_santa_have_such_a_big_sack/
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Thank god this election is over.

.....I almost forgot what real commercials were like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c85o9/thank_god_this_election_is_over/
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They say there are plenty of fish in the sea

But until I catch one, I'm stuck here waiting holding my rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7yz4/they_say_there_are_plenty_of_fish_in_the_sea/
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What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7u3q/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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What does the date inside of a wedding ring stand for?

best before...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7t80/what_does_the_date_inside_of_a_wedding_ring_stand/
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Mexicans WILL build the wall...

Upon contract of Canadian goverment for their owm southern border!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7qa3/mexicans_will_build_the_wall/
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I have a huge fear of elevators...

I've started taking steps to avoid it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7pgh/i_have_a_huge_fear_of_elevators/
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Two antennas get married…

The ceremony was ok,
But the reception was great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7ocx/two_antennas_get_married/
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What's the most common blood type in Taiwan?

Type A.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7o8l/whats_the_most_common_blood_type_in_taiwan/
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People should not move to Canada because of Trump

They should go to Mexico, then at least there will be a wall between them and Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7nmb/people_should_not_move_to_canada_because_of_trump/
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The karate student kept killing all his teachers...

I guess he became desenseitized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7l3j/the_karate_student_kept_killing_all_his_teachers/
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What car does Boba Fett drive?

A ManDeLorean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7kwb/what_car_does_boba_fett_drive/
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What kind of ship never sinks?

A dictatorship.
*sobs*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7kt5/what_kind_of_ship_never_sinks/
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“You the bomb.”

“No, you the bomb.”
In America, a compliment.
In the Middle East, an argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7jcg/you_the_bomb/
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At a bathroom line.

''Can I go before you? I really need to number two''
''No, I was here before you and I need to go as well''.
''I swear I need to go more than you''.
''You're so full of shit''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7gtl/at_a_bathroom_line/
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Lazy Larry walks into a bar...

At least, he *said* he would.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7gmy/lazy_larry_walks_into_a_bar/
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So farmer Bob had a rivalry with farmer Jim.

They were both cattle farmers but Jim's herd was much larger and fatter, and his meat went for much more money. So bob started looking for a way to bulk up his cows. He started experimenting. Eventually he discovered that feeding them marijuana made them grow exponentially, while also making them more docile and hungrier. Hearing of his rivals success, Jim immediately went to the police and disclosed to them Bob's revolutionary but illegal new method. While standing on trial Bob told the judge that the beef from his weed enhanced cows was the most delicious meat on the world. The judge, liking red meat as much as the next guy, demanded to taste it. So Bob slaughtered a steer and grilled up a cut for the judge. Upon tasting it, the judge immediately found Bob not guilty. Later, at a barbecue to celebrate his victory, bob and the judge were discussing his trial. The judge said, "I've presided over thousands of really stressful trials, but in your case, the steaks have never been higher!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7fy0/so_farmer_bob_had_a_rivalry_with_farmer_jim/
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My daughter asked if I am going to die someday...

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7fut/my_daughter_asked_if_i_am_going_to_die_someday/
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What's the difference between a Pakistani wedding party and an Al-Qaeda training camp?

Dunno, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c796s/whats_the_difference_between_a_pakistani_wedding/
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Jesus and the Devil have a competition

After countless years of Jesus being in the spotlight, the Devil had had enough. He issued a challenge to Jesus; whoever writes the longest story on Microsoft Word wins. Jesus accepts, and they get to it. After hours and hours of frantic typing, there is suddenly a power cut. The Devil is furious, whilst Jesus remains calm. As soon as the power comes back, he boots up his computer and has lost all his work, before seeing Jesus calmly typing from where he left off. Lucifer is not happy at all, calling Jesus a cheat, before God intervenes, proclaiming Jesus the winner. The moral of the story? *Jesus saves*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c772i/jesus_and_the_devil_have_a_competition/
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Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.

Blonde Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies in disbelieve. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."
The driver have had enough and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c72r6/five_blokes_in_an_audi_quattro_arrived_at_the/
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If Oskar Schindler was your Uber fare...

...you'd be Schindler's Lift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c70do/if_oskar_schindler_was_your_uber_fare/
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Q: Can February March?

No. But April May!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c7036/q_can_february_march/
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I would be a better president than Donald Trump

This is probably the wrong place to post this because that's not a fucking joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c6sba/i_would_be_a_better_president_than_donald_trump/
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I just love rehydrated raisins

They're grape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c6sad/i_just_love_rehydrated_raisins/
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What did the creator of knock knock jokes win?

A No-bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c6rt7/what_did_the_creator_of_knock_knock_jokes_win/
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What's the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman?

A 4 year old's favourite toy is a rubber body without any genitals. A 40 year old's favourite toy is a rubber genital without any body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c6p46/whats_the_difference_between_a_4_year_girl_and_a/
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Rumor has it that the Canadian immigration website crashed because..,

Amy Schumer was on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c6ojg/rumor_has_it_that_the_canadian_immigration/
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My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's sad.

She is using sighcology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c6n6w/my_girlfriend_always_gets_her_way_by_pretending/
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Trump didn't lie when he said Mexico was going to pay for the wall...

by securing his win, Mexico will start building to keep the Americans out of their country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c6mhs/trump_didnt_lie_when_he_said_mexico_was_going_to/
%
What do you call an angry paraplegic?

A steamed vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c6m3v/what_do_you_call_an_angry_paraplegic/
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What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeve...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c6gef/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_walken/
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How are America and McDonald's similar?

They are both run by red-headed clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c6eve/how_are_america_and_mcdonalds_similar/
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Feminists: Look on the bright side...

There will be more women in the White House than ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c6boo/feminists_look_on_the_bright_side/
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How does a train eat?

It goes chew chew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c6blx/how_does_a_train_eat/
%
The "Lumos/Nox" trick on Android phones is pretty neat. However...

I'd advise the Galaxy Note 7 crowd to avoid "Avada Kedavra."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c6bf3/the_lumosnox_trick_on_android_phones_is_pretty/
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There are so many Mexicans heartbroken about the pending wall

Let's hope they get over it soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c6ban/there_are_so_many_mexicans_heartbroken_about_the/
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Saudi Arabia...

...is on the United Nations Human Rights Council.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c64lo/saudi_arabia/
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A man is on a bus, and then a hot nun gets on...

The man went up to her and asked her if they could bang, and the nun, who is definitely appalled, immediately gets off at the next stop.
A couple stops later the man goes to the bus driver and asks him, "Hey do you know how you can bang a nun? Particularly the one who got off a couple stops back."
So the bus driver says, "Well, you can't really just go up to a nun and get her to bang you, but I know for a fact that that every night that nun goes to the graveyard at exactly midnight to pray. You should dress up in your best God costume and make her have sex with you."
The man is impressed, and decides to do just that. So he goes to the graveyard in his best God costume, and waits behind a gravestone. At exactly midnight, the nun enters and kneels at a tombstone, and beings to pray. He then jumps out and says "I am God!"
The nun is surprised and says "Oh Lord, please take me with you to heaven!" The man says, "Of course! But you must prove yourself worthy by having sex with me!" The nun a bit more surprised and says, "Ok, but I prefer anal."
The man thinks 'Wait what?' but doesn't give enough shits to not have sex with the hot nun. So they bang.
After he finishes he pulls out and takes off his mask, laughing. "Ha! Joke's on you! I'm the guy from the bus!" He says.
The nun then gets up, pulls off her mask, and says, "Ha! Joke's on you! I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c63wa/a_man_is_on_a_bus_and_then_a_hot_nun_gets_on/
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Will trump get a second term?

Does it look like I have 2020 vision?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5v3x/will_trump_get_a_second_term/
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How does Donald Trump adopt pets?

He just grabs the first pussy he sees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5u17/how_does_donald_trump_adopt_pets/
%
D.C. voted overwhelmingly to be a state.

If congress passes it we only need 2 more states to get to 53 which is a prime number. Then we will truly be one nation, indivisible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5ttb/dc_voted_overwhelmingly_to_be_a_state/
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An IRS agent visits a synagogue for an audit

After finding no violations, he goes up to the rabbi.
"Rabbi, do you light candles for Sabbath?" asks the IRS agent.
"Of course we do" replies the rabbi.
"And do you have cinders left over?"
"Yes, but we send them to a factory and they make one big candle for us."
"And do you use a broom to sweep up garbage?" inquires the IRS agent
"Yes we do" the rabbi replies.
"And if the broom breaks, do you throw away the splinters?"
"Why would we do that? We send them over to the factory and they make one big broom."
"I see. One last question: Do you perform circumcisions?"
"Well, duh" says the rabbi.
"What do you do with the foreskins?"
"We send them over to the IRS office and they send an IRS agent"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5t8f/an_irs_agent_visits_a_synagogue_for_an_audit/
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TIL when you're a child, you have 4 kidneys

Well, 2 kidneys and 2 kid knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5pyo/til_when_youre_a_child_you_have_4_kidneys/
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Not sure if this is the right place to post, but after the US election results from last night, I need help creating a new dating website. It will help desperate American men and women find love in Canada.

It'll be called ehHarmony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5nyl/not_sure_if_this_is_the_right_place_to_post_but/
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Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can't do that.
Trump: Why is that?
CIA: India will cut Balochistan out of Pak.
Trump: I don't care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our Stealth Drones back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi'ite govt of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can't do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can't do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1B visas.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of Staff: If you do so, we'll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump (sweating profusely by now): What the hell should I do as President???
CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!
😂😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5nne/trumps_first_day_at_the_oval_office_after_being/
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I voted for Jill Stein

Finally I'm part of the 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5jpv/i_voted_for_jill_stein/
%
Hawaiian terrorists be like...

Aloha Akbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5in1/hawaiian_terrorists_be_like/
%
How do skeletons kiss

Skeletons don't have lips, they just bone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5g03/how_do_skeletons_kiss/
%
How do remove a bunch of drunk Canadians from the pool?

You ask them to leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5ew5/how_do_remove_a_bunch_of_drunk_canadians_from_the/
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I've got an idea for who should run for President next...

Hindsight, 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5djy/ive_got_an_idea_for_who_should_run_for_president/
%
A koala and a lizard smoking a joint

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says "Hey Koala what are you doing?"  The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."  The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint.  After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in.  A crocodile swims out to rescue him.  When they get onto dry land, the crock asks, "What's wrong with you, Lizard?"  The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink.  The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala.  When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says, "Hey, you"  The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5cg6/a_koala_and_a_lizard_smoking_a_joint/
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Just think of the money we could have saved with Hillary.

We would have saved 24% by hiring a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5bkd/just_think_of_the_money_we_could_have_saved_with/
%
You know, I haven't always been liberal

You would see I'm a big fan of 80's Bush, if you check my search history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5b7c/you_know_i_havent_always_been_liberal/
%
Did you hear about the teacher who was always cross eyed?

She struggled to control her pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c5887/did_you_hear_about_the_teacher_who_was_always/
%
Benefits of Legalizing Marijuana:

Weed expect to see a very high voter turnout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c527a/benefits_of_legalizing_marijuana/
%
What do strippers and Hillary Clinton have in common?

They rely too much on polls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c51ir/what_do_strippers_and_hillary_clinton_have_in/
%
My girlfriend and I had sex in her parent's bed.

It got really awkward when they woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4z9l/my_girlfriend_and_i_had_sex_in_her_parents_bed/
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Struggling with Christmas Presents???

If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas...
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4z7a/struggling_with_christmas_presents/
%
Where does a Mexican go when they feel threatened?

Hispanic Room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4x6z/where_does_a_mexican_go_when_they_feel_threatened/
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A farmer dies and goes to hell

While down there the Devil notices that the farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy.
The farmer says, "I like it here. The temperature is just like plowing my fields in June."
The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer and decides to get him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy.
The farmer says, "This is even better. It's like pulling weeds in the fields during July."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer. He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100%.
"Now lets see what the farmer is up to," he says. So he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him sitting on the floor even happier then before. The Devil can't figure it out. He asks the farmer why he's happy now.
The farmer replies, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August."
The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees. "Let's see what the farmer has to say about this."
The Devil looks around and finds the farmer jumping up and down for joy and yelling,
"DONALD TRUMP WON THE ELECTION!!! DONALD TRUMP WON THE ELECTION!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4uhw/a_farmer_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
What do you call someone who is sexually attracted to pigs?

A hamosexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4s2u/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_sexually/
%
It's going to be easy for Trump to build that wall...

... everyone's shitting bricks everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4rif/its_going_to_be_easy_for_trump_to_build_that_wall/
%
How did Trump win?

"Hillary Clinton" and "Donald Trump" go into a bakery.
Hillary Clinton steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald Trump "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.
Donald Trump: "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald Trump goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Donald Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4p4q/how_did_trump_win/
%
When the titanic crashed, what were they floating on?

An iPhone 7, there was no Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4oh2/when_the_titanic_crashed_what_were_they_floating/
%
My friend claims he has a degree in blacksmithing...

... But everything he makes is forged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4odt/my_friend_claims_he_has_a_degree_in_blacksmithing/
%
How do telepaths have an orgasm?

They get their mind blown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4mik/how_do_telepaths_have_an_orgasm/
%
Obama is the epitome of why Americans are so racist

Just another soon-to-be unemployed black man, evicted from his house, and living on government money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4l7u/obama_is_the_epitome_of_why_americans_are_so/
%
I recently received a certificate for the breast stroke.

Although the Judge called it a restraining order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4if5/i_recently_received_a_certificate_for_the_breast/
%
Honestly, I'm just amazed he managed to pull it off.

When he first ran for president, nobody thought he could do it. When he started gaining in the polls, we all "knew" how it would end. But he showed us we were all wrong.
Congratulations to Barack Obama going eight years without being shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4fno/honestly_im_just_amazed_he_managed_to_pull_it_off/
%
It's the end of the world...

..and the animals are fucking in the forest.The elephant is fucking the giraffe,and in one moment the giraffe turns to the elephant and says:We are going to die nevertheless,why did you put a condom on?
And the elephant answers:Um,it's not a condom,the python is giving me a blowjob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4ezo/its_the_end_of_the_world/
%
I've got good news and bad news...

GOOD NEWS: Hillary lost the presidency
BAD NEWS: Trump won the presidency

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4bgx/ive_got_good_news_and_bad_news/
%
11/9

The day America terrorized themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4a0g/119/
%
The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today.

Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c47z9/the_amount_of_new_jokes_on_this_sub_is_ridiculous/
%
If Christians want to stop gay sex...

they should encourage gay marriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c47ld/if_christians_want_to_stop_gay_sex/
%
What's the difference between Hillary's staff and Bill's staff?

Bill's staff waited until after the election to suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c46ly/whats_the_difference_between_hillarys_staff_and/
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NEW! TOP 100 TAZERS IN AMERICA!!

#45 WILL SHOCK YOU!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c4650/new_top_100_tazers_in_america/
%
No wonder hell finally froze over for the Cubs...

...because the devil left to be President

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c41mp/no_wonder_hell_finally_froze_over_for_the_cubs/
%
Obama played the race card, Hillary played the gender card

But America played the Trump Card

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c406u/obama_played_the_race_card_hillary_played_the/
%
What is a chicken's favorite composer?

Bach!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c3xun/what_is_a_chickens_favorite_composer/
%
I took the bus home when I was drunk yesterday

Unfortunately they made me give it back today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c3vep/i_took_the_bus_home_when_i_was_drunk_yesterday/
%
I just want to let all of the Hillary supporters out there that I share their grief.

I post it to facebook where me and my friends can laugh at it together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c3u5r/i_just_want_to_let_all_of_the_hillary_supporters/
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If I had a penny for every Trump joke being made right now

I would have a small loan of a million dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c3rre/if_i_had_a_penny_for_every_trump_joke_being_made/
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What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c3rco/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
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The wife and I did the opposite of "netflix and chill" last night...

CNN and panic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c3qc5/the_wife_and_i_did_the_opposite_of_netflix_and/
%
A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home the cock fucks each of the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock fucks all 150 hens again.
The next day the cock fucks a flock of ducks, and on the next day a flock of geese. The day after that the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground, half dead, with vultures circling overhead.
"You deserved it, you horny bastard!" the farmer says. The cock opens one eye, points up and says "Shhhh. They're about to land!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c3p27/a_farmer_buys_a_young_cock/
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With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country.

We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c3l0d/with_vladimir_putin_so_eager_to_restore_ties_i/
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Electric Chair

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c3h79/electric_chair/
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On the bright side...

We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c3b8e/on_the_bright_side/
%
Today is the rest of the world's 9/11

No, seriously, look up the calendar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c394f/today_is_the_rest_of_the_worlds_911/
%
Trump did great, but...

...imagine how much he would have won by if Clinton hadn't rigged the election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c36mh/trump_did_great_but/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

It was in a race with the egg, but I'm not sure who came first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c35gf/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....

But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c32rc/everyone_is_panicking_about_the_stock_markets/
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What should you buy so you always have ammunition on hand?

A magazine subscription.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2z6o/what_should_you_buy_so_you_always_have_ammunition/
%
A Conversation Between Countries

Britain: we pulled the dumbest political shit this year
America: *uuurp* hold my beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2um4/a_conversation_between_countries/
%
Where is Wall Street?

Between Mexico and the US.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2sq9/where_is_wall_street/
%
Ok, don't panic…

If we hold the North Pole and South Pole down simultaneously for three seconds, it'll automatically restore to factory settings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2r2n/ok_dont_panic/
%
Why /r/Hillaryclinton is a ghost town

All their keyboards have water damage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2n68/why_rhillaryclinton_is_a_ghost_town/
%
Why did Donald Trump become an atheist?

Because he wanted Jesus out of the country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2jah/why_did_donald_trump_become_an_atheist/
%
An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, " I am Steph Curry , the best NBA basketball player. The warriors and my millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane
The 2nd passenger , Donald Trump , said , " I am the newly elected US President , and I am the smartest President in American history , so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger , the Pope , said to the 4th passenger , a 10 year old schoolboy , " My son , I am old and don't have many years left , you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said , " That's okay , Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2j2a/an_airplane_was_about_to_crash_there_were_4/
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If I learned anything about politics from this election

It's that politics isn't about the ass you kiss but the pussy you grab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2i7j/if_i_learned_anything_about_politics_from_this/
%
Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.

Alcohol sales have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2gy4/donald_trumps_presidency_is_already_positively/
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This speech will be very hard for Hillary Clinton...

She isn't getting paid for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2fkv/this_speech_will_be_very_hard_for_hillary_clinton/
%
Did you guys see the new Mad Max prequel?

It was playing on every channel last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2eqi/did_you_guys_see_the_new_mad_max_prequel/
%
Why did Donald Trump win Florida in the Presidential Election?

Floridians have seen the positive effect an Orange can have on the economy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2e9i/why_did_donald_trump_win_florida_in_the/
%
Trump will be President until 2020

It would have been 20:15, but the sniper got stuck in traffic...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2e19/trump_will_be_president_until_2020/
%
What do you call the one white person on a bus full of black people?

Coach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2cwz/what_do_you_call_the_one_white_person_on_a_bus/
%
Trump has become president

THANKS OBAMA...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2bzz/trump_has_become_president/
%
A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2bwb/a_colleague_of_mine_fell_into_a_vat_of_chemicals/
%
If I had a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on...

I'd be like, "Why ya'll keep giving me all these dimes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c2b4y/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_didnt_know_what/
%
What kind of tea is hard for democrats and progressives to swallow today?

Reality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c293s/what_kind_of_tea_is_hard_for_democrats_and/
%
To all the "I'm moving to Canada" people out there, you're being ridiculous.

You won't be far enough to escape the nuclear fallout. Shoot for New Zealand or Australia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c28ck/to_all_the_im_moving_to_canada_people_out_there/
%
I'd make a political joke

but it would just end up being elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c261z/id_make_a_political_joke/
%
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren’t we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $55..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c23qv/a_young_man_and_his_date_were_parked_on_a_back/
%
Shredded cheese has officially been banned in grocery stores in the US.

Trump will make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c22vt/shredded_cheese_has_officially_been_banned_in/
%
Think of all the new jobs Trump will bring to America:

Wall builders, death squad patrollers, bounty hunters and immigrant poachers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c22gy/think_of_all_the_new_jobs_trump_will_bring_to/
%
Hillary will give her concession speech...

Since somebody paid her $250,000 speaking fee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c20a6/hillary_will_give_her_concession_speech/
%
If you like interracial porn...

...you'll love the next 4 years. Minorities are going to be fucked constantly by an old white man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c203s/if_you_like_interracial_porn/
%
News: Hillary Clinton concedes her defeat to Donald Trump in a private phone call.

Safe to say she's learned her lesson with emails!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1zvh/news_hillary_clinton_concedes_her_defeat_to/
%
I'd make a political joke...

But it's too soon, the DNC tried to force one on all of us and we saw how that went.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1zeq/id_make_a_political_joke/
%
I guess we can call the next election, "the hindsight election."

Because it will be 2020.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1yke/i_guess_we_can_call_the_next_election_the/
%
I would like to thank President Donald Trump on behalf of my wife...

suddenly the thousands I invested into Canadian dating sites wasn't so worthless after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1xsk/i_would_like_to_thank_president_donald_trump_on/
%
What type of stories do cocaine addicts write?

Snort stories

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1wot/what_type_of_stories_do_cocaine_addicts_write/
%
Cheer up Hilary!

At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1vr8/cheer_up_hilary/
%
Her: Wanna come over? Him: I can't, I have to get rid of some bodies

Her: My Parents aren't home
Him: I know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1vbs/her_wanna_come_over_him_i_cant_i_have_to_get_rid/
%
That's a nice ham you've got there...

... it'd be a shame if somebody put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1uxb/thats_a_nice_ham_youve_got_there/
%
Election Day was the perfect day to go see Doctor Strange...

I got to experience a scary bizarro world were sanity was cast aside and the laws of nature were twisted to the breaking point, and I also went to a movie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1uj4/election_day_was_the_perfect_day_to_go_see_doctor/
%
Germans be like:

Been there, Done that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1qst/germans_be_like/
%
This election has been a bit like watching porn...

The hype was fun but now it's over I'm disgusted by what I'm watching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1puj/this_election_has_been_a_bit_like_watching_porn/
%
Trump won the presidency and 1... 2... POOF!

The Mexicans were gone without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1p7q/trump_won_the_presidency_and_1_2_poof/
%
I emailed Hillary that to secure a win, she had to pick Bernie as VP.

I guess she deleted it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1mdq/i_emailed_hillary_that_to_secure_a_win_she_had_to/
%
In capitalist America, you grab people by the pussy.

In Soviet Russia, you seize the means of reproduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1m6c/in_capitalist_america_you_grab_people_by_the_pussy/
%
Why is it worse this time around?

Thermal cameras mean I can't save anyone by hiding them in my roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1f0m/why_is_it_worse_this_time_around/
%
Woohoo! Donald Trump won the presidential election!

As a Clinton voter I'm not happy that he won, just happy that I'm not Mexican

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1ent/woohoo_donald_trump_won_the_presidential_election/
%
What did Hillary tell Trump after the results came in?

"Thank you. I haven't been fucked like this since 1998"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1e2p/what_did_hillary_tell_trump_after_the_results/
%
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband..........,

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1bmb/after_finishing_our_chinese_food_my_husband/
%
Now that Donald Trump will be President, I really hope he builds the wall.

We need to keep all those crazy Americans contained.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1b5i/now_that_donald_trump_will_be_president_i_really/
%
I heard Monica lewinsky voted for Trump

Just to fuck a Clinton one more time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c1b0s/i_heard_monica_lewinsky_voted_for_trump/
%
A new source of electricity is found!

Lincoln is is infinitely rolling in his grave right now.
We can use that somehow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c19vw/a_new_source_of_electricity_is_found/
%
I hate people who take drugs...

specifically the DEA and US Customs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c16t5/i_hate_people_who_take_drugs/
%
Clinton's blue firewall...

About as secure as her private email server.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c167i/clintons_blue_firewall/
%
Why was Trump excited to move into the Whitehouse?

Because he loves kicking black families out of government funded housing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c162o/why_was_trump_excited_to_move_into_the_whitehouse/
%
As a Hilary supporter in Colorado, I'm still happy with the outcome of the election.

Since proposition 106 passed I can legally kill myself now that trump won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c152p/as_a_hilary_supporter_in_colorado_im_still_happy/
%
The media that got everything wrong ....

will now tell you what will happen now that what they said wouldn't happen happened. Think about that for a minute...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c138y/the_media_that_got_everything_wrong/
%
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bag of shit?

The bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c11x2/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_a/
%
With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0xz6/with_the_brexit_vote_being_compared_to_the/
%
Last night I really did sleep like a baby

I accidentally fell asleep and 9pm and woke up 4 hours later screaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0v4p/last_night_i_really_did_sleep_like_a_baby/
%
The election of Donald Trump is proof that we live in a computer simulation

We found a bug!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0ucl/the_election_of_donald_trump_is_proof_that_we/
%
I texted my mom at 5am telling her trump won, she asked why I was up so early.

I told her "I don't know. Maybe the sound of my health insurance flying away woke me up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0u8w/i_texted_my_mom_at_5am_telling_her_trump_won_she/
%
On 9/11, one of the worst things in American history occured...

Condolences from the UK on Trump winning the election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0u4y/on_911_one_of_the_worst_things_in_american/
%
No matter if you are American or European

9/11 is a sad date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0qqm/no_matter_if_you_are_american_or_european/
%
How is Trump going to deport the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0qo6/how_is_trump_going_to_deport_the_mexicans/
%
Welcome to the first annual hunger games America.

Thank you to all the married cousins that voted for president snow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0qmj/welcome_to_the_first_annual_hunger_games_america/
%
Junk foods are so versatile!

A bag of Lays can be used as fuel for a fire in an emergency, you can have finger sword fights with Bugles, and now, a Cheeto has won the United States Presidential Election!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0n4h/junk_foods_are_so_versatile/
%
What happens when you take a joke too far?

The 45th President of the United States of America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0mlf/what_happens_when_you_take_a_joke_too_far/
%
"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?"

Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0mf7/how_can_this_idiot_possibly_be_elected_as/
%
Americans choosing their orders at McDonalds more seriously than

Their presidents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0leb/americans_choosing_their_orders_at_mcdonalds_more/
%
What Do the Joker and 60,000,000 people have in common?

They just wanna watch the world burn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0hxx/what_do_the_joker_and_60000000_people_have_in/
%
As a Brit I didn't believe Brexit could be Trumped

But it seems that's exactly what's happened :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0alq/as_a_brit_i_didnt_believe_brexit_could_be_trumped/
%
Trump after Obama is like Umbridge after Dumbledore.

R.I.P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c08s3/trump_after_obama_is_like_umbridge_after/
%
If you're gonna friendzone me...

Help me fuck your other friends then. Bestie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c07gr/if_youre_gonna_friendzone_me/
%
Donald Trump Was Right About Two Things

1. That every poll which showed him inevitably losing were incorrect
and
2. That the results were rigged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c0709/donald_trump_was_right_about_two_things/
%
United States once again votes for a minority President!

Donald J Trump is believed to be the first orange President to be elected in the history of the United States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c06on/united_states_once_again_votes_for_a_minority/
%
The amount of salt on social media...

... is more than enough to cover all of the fries produced by McDonalds next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c06cf/the_amount_of_salt_on_social_media/
%
We must now stand behind the newly elected president...

Because if he is behind us he will go straight for the pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c066p/we_must_now_stand_behind_the_newly_elected/
%
How will Trump select his cabinet?

The Apprentice: the White House
Contestants will compete in a series of challenges aspiring to positions in Trump's cabinet all televised for your viewing pleasure on NBC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c02se/how_will_trump_select_his_cabinet/
%
Can somebody please find Ja Rule?

I need help in making sense of just what happened

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c02oc/can_somebody_please_find_ja_rule/
%
Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton

any second now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c01rq/just_waiting_for_steve_harvey_to_come_out_and_say/
%
I was planning on getting a tan

But now that Trumps President there is a high chance I'll get deported if I'm too dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c01dl/i_was_planning_on_getting_a_tan/
%
So, I hope that when President Trump gets tired of us

he'll leave us for some younger, more attractive, East European country. Hopefully in a year or so

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c00t1/so_i_hope_that_when_president_trump_gets_tired_of/
%
My poetic look on the election

Roses are Red.
Violets are Blue.
Damn it, America!
What the fuck did you do?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c00h3/my_poetic_look_on_the_election/
%
I'd make a political joke

but it'd just end up becoming president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5c00gg/id_make_a_political_joke/
%
First thing Trump does as President...

Is kick a Black man out of his house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzztl/first_thing_trump_does_as_president/
%
Some people say that 9/11 was America's darkest hour

but they got it backwards, 11/9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzzpy/some_people_say_that_911_was_americas_darkest_hour/
%
The United States of America

Yeah, That's it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzzd5/the_united_states_of_america/
%
Now I'm just going to wait till the end of 2016 and hope Obama says:

"Chill out guys, all of this was just a prank. I'm going for the 3rd term".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzyyt/now_im_just_going_to_wait_till_the_end_of_2016/
%
Obama died, and there is nothing to do in heaven, so he decided to visit New York.

He goes into the first bar he see and asks the bartender what's up, how people live, what are the problems, etc. The bartender is asking, surprised:
-what are the problems? Everything around is ours!
-what about Afghanistan, Iraq...
-It's all ours.
-Europe, Africa and Asia?
Bartender pulls a globe from behind the counter, spins it and says:
-everything you see is ours.   Obama is excited, proud and happy, orders a beer and before leaving, he says:
-Well thank you my friend! How much do I pay?
-Two rubles and 20 kopek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzyy0/obama_died_and_there_is_nothing_to_do_in_heaven/
%
Why did Hillary Clinton had her campaign chairman John Podesta send the crowd home from the Clinton HQ?

She 'accidently' deleted the email with her consession speech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzxt3/why_did_hillary_clinton_had_her_campaign_chairman/
%
So Donald Trump is now the President of the United States

I certainly DNC that coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzxqi/so_donald_trump_is_now_the_president_of_the/
%
I'd make a political joke but it would just end up being elected president

Ba Dum Tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bztsd/id_make_a_political_joke_but_it_would_just_end_up/
%
On the bright side of the election

There hasn't been a presidential assassination in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzt7l/on_the_bright_side_of_the_election/
%
Donald Trump is gonna be the next US President

pretty HILLARYous, isn't it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzt1c/donald_trump_is_gonna_be_the_next_us_president/
%
As a citizen from Baltic states

Hello Russia, my old friend
You've come to talk to me again
New SovietRussia vision softly creeping
You've spread your seeds while we were sleeping
And the vision that was planted in your brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzt10/as_a_citizen_from_baltic_states/
%
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton?

Bill got fucked in the oval office and Hillary just got fucked out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzsup/whats_the_difference_between_bill_clinton_and/
%
The Trump Years in a Nutshell

2016: Trump doesn't stand a chance.
2017: Trump's still trying?
2018: "Hey, are you guys going to watch the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzs8w/the_trump_years_in_a_nutshell/
%
A message from a Canadian to all Americans out there..

I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzre2/a_message_from_a_canadian_to_all_americans_out/
%
Congratulations to Donald Trump winning the presidency...

May his global impact be as tiny as his hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzoc3/congratulations_to_donald_trump_winning_the/
%
9/11 never forget

11/9 always regret

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzob0/911_never_forget/
%
Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman

But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzm5j/now_im_not_saying_im_a_good_businessman/
%
9/11 never forget

11/9 always regret

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzixg/911_never_forget/
%
How does a snail win a race?

It runs against Hillary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bziew/how_does_a_snail_win_a_race/
%
Worst days in United States history..

.. 9/11 and 11/9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzi3j/worst_days_in_united_states_history/
%
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzgyx/whats_the_difference_between_a_genealogist_and_a/
%
It is so quiet in the Clinton HQ right now.

So quiet you can hear an email being deleted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzgno/it_is_so_quiet_in_the_clinton_hq_right_now/
%
The winner of tonight's election is...

the Voyager space probe which is currently traveling at 62,137 km per hour away from the Earth into interstellar space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzfp1/the_winner_of_tonights_election_is/
%
GB: Brexit was the dumbest thing in the last years!

USA: hold my drink!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzdyq/gb_brexit_was_the_dumbest_thing_in_the_last_years/
%
Orange is the new...

most used word on /r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzdhk/orange_is_the_new/
%
Everyone thought the UK made the stupidest decision of 2016

Sure showed them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bzczj/everyone_thought_the_uk_made_the_stupidest/
%
The date is 20 January 2017.

Donald Trump has just been sworn in as President. He walks to the mic for his inauguration speech. He looks at Obama and says "You're Fired"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bz9xv/the_date_is_20_january_2017/
%
Trump vs. Kanye 2020

Yeah. Fuck it, why not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bz8lr/trump_vs_kanye_2020/
%
If you're upset about the presidential election, just wait four years

then you'll be able to choose between Trump or Kanye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bz7sv/if_youre_upset_about_the_presidential_election/
%
That's a lot of votes Donald

Would be a shame if someone deleted them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bz7qy/thats_a_lot_of_votes_donald/
%
I've always said I don't care what color our president is...

I never expected it to be orange though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bz6ss/ive_always_said_i_dont_care_what_color_our/
%
BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump does not accept presidential election...

Says he doesn't want to move into an estate which previously had black tenants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bz68c/breaking_news_donald_trump_does_not_accept/
%
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders are running for president

Donald Trump Wins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bz4rg/donald_trump_hillary_clinton_and_bernie_sanders/
%
The next President of the United States.

The joke is in the title , but it makes me cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bz4fs/the_next_president_of_the_united_states/
%
9/11 was a national tragedy.

So is 11/9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bz3z7/911_was_a_national_tragedy/
%
Hey England.....

We feel you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bz15q/hey_england/
%
A racist, a womanizer, and a rapist walked into a bar...

...the bartender says "how may I help you, Mr. President?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bz0h6/a_racist_a_womanizer_and_a_rapist_walked_into_a/
%
At least in 4 years

we'll be able to look back at this election with 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5byzso/at_least_in_4_years/
%
I thought Brexit was bad..

but the U.S. just Trumped it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5byz28/i_thought_brexit_was_bad/
%
If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton gets in a car crash who will survive?

America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5byp7v/if_donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton_gets_in_a_car/
%
My voting machine broke in my voting booth today...

I guess you could say it had electile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5byntr/my_voting_machine_broke_in_my_voting_booth_today/
%
Well, America actually did it

It Trumped Brexit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5byn2u/well_america_actually_did_it/
%
Breaking News: United States is now the largest producer of salt.

So Salty...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bylje/breaking_news_united_states_is_now_the_largest/
%
If Donald Trump replaces Obama....

...Does that mean Orange is the new Black?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5byk6y/if_donald_trump_replaces_obama/
%
If Donald Trump wins I'm going back to Africa

For some political stability..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bye4i/if_donald_trump_wins_im_going_back_to_africa/
%
I'm Mexican and I think we should go to bed early

Tomorrow we need to wake up early to go build the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bye18/im_mexican_and_i_think_we_should_go_to_bed_early/
%
What's Harry Potters favorite way to go down hill?

Walking...
JK ROLLING

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bycqx/whats_harry_potters_favorite_way_to_go_down_hill/
%
There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5byco4/there_is_still_hope_for_for_hillary_clinton/
%
US follows Britain

BRITAIN: "Hey, America, watch this!"
*BRITAIN SETS ITSELF ON FIRE*
USA: "Cool. Can I borrow your lighter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5by7ug/us_follows_britain/
%
I called in sick to work today...

I said: "I have an eye infection, I can't see myself coming in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5by6mq/i_called_in_sick_to_work_today/
%
If Trump wins tonight, I'm getting drunk...

If Hillary wins tonight, I'm getting drunk. Nothing political, I just like getting drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5by3iu/if_trump_wins_tonight_im_getting_drunk/
%
Why did James Comey refuse to indict Hillary Clinton?

Because he found his suicide note in her Wikileaks emails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5by2rn/why_did_james_comey_refuse_to_indict_hillary/
%
The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5by0qh/the_2016_us_presidential_election/
%
I was bitten by a Hasidic Jew.

The doctor in the E/R gave me Rabbi shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bxxnn/i_was_bitten_by_a_hasidic_jew/
%
A German girl married a Spanish guy...

A German girl married a Spanish man and went to Spain. She can't speak Spanish at all. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt and show her thighs to show the seller what she wants. This went on for sometime. One day she wanted to buy a banana so she took her husband to the shop.
Because her husband speaks Spanish very well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bxsj9/a_german_girl_married_a_spanish_guy/
%
If Trump wins, I think I may know what will happen to New Mexico

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bxjka/if_trump_wins_i_think_i_may_know_what_will_happen/
%
If Trump gets elected, I'm moving to Mexico.

Then at least there's a wall to protect me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bxhmw/if_trump_gets_elected_im_moving_to_mexico/
%
My first time...

My first time having sex and playing football were a lot alike...
When it was all said and done I was exhausted bruised and bloody...
But atleast my dad came...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bxhms/my_first_time/
%
Trump and Hillary are in a plane crash. Who survives?

America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bxhiq/trump_and_hillary_are_in_a_plane_crash_who/
%
I asked my blonde friend who she voted for.

She said, "I voted for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton."
I said, "Why on earth would you do that?"
"On the ballot," she replied, "it said 'Vote Both Sides'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bxe84/i_asked_my_blonde_friend_who_she_voted_for/
%
What did Donald Trump say to his wife Melania in the voting booth?

Don't copy Michelle on this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwzgz/what_did_donald_trump_say_to_his_wife_melania_in/
%
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwwrx/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_yesterday/
%
Hey my name is Nathan and i'm 12 years old:) I was wondering if there was a dating site for only 12 year olds and under...

I'm not asking for myself!! My uncle was wondering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwugt/hey_my_name_is_nathan_and_im_12_years_old_i_was/
%
what do apples, dish washer soap, the muppets, a black guy, beer, yankee candels, and the keyboard on a flip phone all have in common?

they all help make a really convoluted joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwtuw/what_do_apples_dish_washer_soap_the_muppets_a/
%
I'm obsessed with power buttons

They just turn me on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwrb5/im_obsessed_with_power_buttons/
%
What's Harry Potter's way to get to the bottom of a hill?

Running
.
.
.
JK! Rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwnzu/whats_harry_potters_way_to_get_to_the_bottom_of_a/
%
If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins, I'm leaving the country.

This isn't a political joke, I just really wanna travel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwn64/if_trump_wins_im_leaving_the_country_if_hillary/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwjyg/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.
Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwjqp/its_official_the_winner_of_the_biggest_upset_in/
%
Why don't people like r/jokes on Reddit

Cause they've already reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwjmm/why_dont_people_like_rjokes_on_reddit/
%
I was fired from my job for having sex with one of our clients.

At least I won't have to dig graves anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwjd8/i_was_fired_from_my_job_for_having_sex_with_one/
%
Is your refridgerator running?

Because I would rather fucking vote for it than these candidates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwjc2/is_your_refridgerator_running/
%
I'll never forget the last thing my grandfather said to me before he died...

"Quit shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwgg2/ill_never_forget_the_last_thing_my_grandfather/
%
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwean/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
%
Nude Beach

I remember seeing this when I was pretty young. Haven't seen it here yet so figured I'd post it. Sorry if it's a common repost.
A man lay sunbathing on a European nude beach, bearing it all, as one might expect, with the exception of a hat covering his crotch to prevent an unfortunate burn. A woman taking a walk along the beach spots him relaxing in the sand and approaches him.
With a mischievous grin she breaks his semiconscious state. "If you were a real man, you'd tip your hat when a lady walks by."
After a moment he opens his eyes, looks her up and down, and closes them again. "If you were a real woman, the hat would tip itself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwdlf/nude_beach/
%
Election Day Drinking Game:

Every time Donald Trump is elected President, we all drink and just never stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwbhm/election_day_drinking_game/
%
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bwaov/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
%
How I knew my GF was playing with herself on her period...

I caught her red-handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bw2uq/how_i_knew_my_gf_was_playing_with_herself_on_her/
%
An old farmer had spent his life

collecting tractors. Every time one broke down or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits.
Eventually it came time for him to retire, and, since he had grown tired of tractors, he decided to sell off his massive collection. So he put advertisements in local and national papers and waited.
He didn't have long to wait. A few days later, he received a letter from a businessman whose company had built many of the tractors mentioned in the ad and who had an interest in old vehicles himself.
After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local tavern.
The businessman arrived on the appointed date and went into the tavern. He soon located the farmer, despite the very heavy clouds of pipe smoke in the air. An hour passed in most pleasant conversation, as the pair turned out to have much in common.
"Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?"
"Sure," replied the businessman, "but maybe we could go somewhere else. I find it very hard to concentrate with this much smoke in the air."
"There's no need for that," said the farmer, "watch this."
He proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night.
"Hey, how did you manage that?" gasped the businessman.
"Oh, it was nothing," replied the farmer. "You see now I'm an ex-tractor fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bvwnj/an_old_farmer_had_spent_his_life/
%
What's the most dangerous part about Scrabble

It's all fun and games until someone loses an I

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bvsxw/whats_the_most_dangerous_part_about_scrabble/
%
Whats Donald Trumps favorite album?

The Wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bvnsp/whats_donald_trumps_favorite_album/
%
Running out of space for your porn collection?

Just download midget porn, it's half the size

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bvih3/running_out_of_space_for_your_porn_collection/
%
I hate jokes about disabled people

They can't even stand up for themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bvege/i_hate_jokes_about_disabled_people/
%
How do you kill a hipster?

You drown him in the *Mainstream*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bvda2/how_do_you_kill_a_hipster/
%
Who named the Sperm Whales?

Seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bv4vm/who_named_the_sperm_whales/
%
What do a tornado and a divorce in the South have in common?

Someone is losing their trailer..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bv3co/what_do_a_tornado_and_a_divorce_in_the_south_have/
%
A train in the US derailed for a bit then went back on track...

after the train stopped, the boss of the station had a talk with the train driver
Boss : What happened ?!
Train driver : There was a guy in the middle of the track!
Boss : so ? next time you have to hit the guy and not endanger the lives of hundreds of people.
Train driver : well I was going to do that, but that son of a bitch tried to run away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bv34w/a_train_in_the_us_derailed_for_a_bit_then_went/
%
Why was the programmer unhappy at his job?

He wanted arrays.  It had to be reiterated several times before it was sorted out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5buxru/why_was_the_programmer_unhappy_at_his_job/
%
I hate people who make cancer jokes.

They have no sense of tumor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5buw3v/i_hate_people_who_make_cancer_jokes/
%
What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money.
My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5busom/what_do_women_and_the_stock_market_have_in_common/
%
What do you call it when the girl you like likes you back?

Imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5burtz/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_girl_you_like_likes/
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If Trump wins on Nov. 8th....

will his wife be called "The Third Lady"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bulpj/if_trump_wins_on_nov_8th/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bulc3/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
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I like my women like I like my sliced meat...

Artificial with a bit if fat around the edges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bujxm/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_sliced_meat/
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If Donald Trump becomes President I'm going to Mexico.

Not by choice though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bug01/if_donald_trump_becomes_president_im_going_to/
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What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler??

Michael Phelps managed to finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bufg0/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
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What does the day of election and Taco Tuesday have in common?

So much shit is going down today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bufcm/what_does_the_day_of_election_and_taco_tuesday/
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America is in the labor room right now...

Within 24 hours we will know if it's a boy or a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5buf7x/america_is_in_the_labor_room_right_now/
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You are what you eat...

...said one squirrel to another.
The other said in disbelief, "You're nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5buave/you_are_what_you_eat/
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Saw a really stunning cute girl in Thailand on the bus, couldn't stop looking. I thought "please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner..."

But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bu41u/saw_a_really_stunning_cute_girl_in_thailand_on/
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What do rioting jewish people throw?

Mazel tov cocktails

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bu26n/what_do_rioting_jewish_people_throw/
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An Indian just moved to the U.S

Within a few days of reaching the U.S, he got extremely sick, vomiting everywhere. He went to many American doctors, and none of them could figure out what was wrong with him. He decided to go to the Indian doctor beside his house. The Indian doctor told him:
"Go shit in a bucket, piss on the shit, then jack off and make sure all the cum gets inside the bucket, then put it over your head and breath the fumes for 5 minutes"
He does this, and amazingly, it worked! So he goes back to the doctor and tells him "doctor, I can't believe this worked, what was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied "you were homesick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bu0bn/an_indian_just_moved_to_the_us/
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Why does Donald Trump secretly not want to become president?

He'd have to move in to a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bty4p/why_does_donald_trump_secretly_not_want_to_become/
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so as I went in to vote this morning, an old lady told me to make sure I voted for the candidate that could make change.

Boy, is my bank teller going to be surprised!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5btwsl/so_as_i_went_in_to_vote_this_morning_an_old_lady/
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America is in labor now

Soon we will know if it's a boy or a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5btw7o/america_is_in_labor_now/
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The parrot is dead

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock."
SILENCE...
LONG SILENCE...
VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto...............if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5btv9q/the_parrot_is_dead/
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Golfers always bring two pairs of pants to tournaments

Just in case they get a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5btude/golfers_always_bring_two_pairs_of_pants_to/
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Our new IT guy moved here from Australia...

He comes from a LAN down under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bttg6/our_new_it_guy_moved_here_from_australia/
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A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bts3s/a_senior_citizen_called_her_husband_during_his/
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Whenever I'm tempted to talk shit to a perfect stranger on Reddit I always remember my mother's wise words:

"Shut your fucking mouth, no one cares what you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5btns9/whenever_im_tempted_to_talk_shit_to_a_perfect/
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Romeo and Juliet.doc

Is a play on word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5btkhc/romeo_and_julietdoc/
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Felons would be a really valuable voting base...

After all, we know they have conviction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5btk2x/felons_would_be_a_really_valuable_voting_base/
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What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5btgjm/whats_blue_and_not_very_heavy/
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A message to all you deceased American voters...

Vote Early, and Vote Often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5btd2y/a_message_to_all_you_deceased_american_voters/
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John was shocked when he saw his friend Ben fitted out with a cast on his leg and crutches. He said:

- Hey, Ben! What happened to you? You went abroad, right?
Ben: That was the plan but it didn't push through.
John: But why? What happened?
Ben: They beat me inside the airplane.
John: That's why you look like that, but why did they beat you?
Ben: Because I saw an old friend from college, and I called him.
John: What? You just called him and you got beaten? What exactly did you say?
Ben: I just called out, "Hi, Jack!" Then they just jumped and beat me.
Compliments of Lettercount

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5btco0/john_was_shocked_when_he_saw_his_friend_ben/
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What's the difference between a whore and a truck?

The truck can only take the load from behind where as the whore can take it from anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5btcmb/whats_the_difference_between_a_whore_and_a_truck/
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Women who are short are called "petite." What are short men called?

Friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bt9lh/women_who_are_short_are_called_petite_what_are/
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I decided to have scrambled eggs this morning...

Immediately after thinking "I'll just flip this omelette."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bt7yw/i_decided_to_have_scrambled_eggs_this_morning/
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What's the difference between a procrastinator and a prognosticator?

Well, I haven't come up with the punchline yet, but you can probably see where I'm going with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bt7d7/whats_the_difference_between_a_procrastinator_and/
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Jesus goes into a biker bar

and sees 3 men drinking at noon. One with a hunch back, one with a bum knee, and an old redneck.
Jesus walks over to the hunch back, puts his hand on the man's back, which immediately straightens. Hunch back says, thank you jesus. I'm healed!
Jesus walks over to the man with the bum knee, puts his hand on his knee, which immediately bends like it is supposed to. Bum knee guy says, thank you jesus. I'm healed!
Jesus approaches the redneck who jumps off the barstool, fists up, ready to fight, screaming "Motherfucker, don't you touch me...I'm on disability!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bt6ht/jesus_goes_into_a_biker_bar/
%
Why do women talk so much?

Because they have 4 lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bt5h0/why_do_women_talk_so_much/
%
Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bt56d/who_is_going_to_win_tonights_presidential_election/
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Trump's first day at Oval office.....

........after being elected President.
First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can't do that.
Trump: Why is that?
CIA: India will cut Balochistan out of Pak.
Trump: I don't care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our Stealth Drones back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi'ite govt of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can't do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can't do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1B visas.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of Staff: If you do so, we'll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump (sweating profusely by now): What the hell should I do as President???
CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bt471/trumps_first_day_at_oval_office/
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My girlfriend says a 4" penis is just fine.

Still, I wish she didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bt456/my_girlfriend_says_a_4_penis_is_just_fine/
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Today is a big day for the Chinese.

Erection Day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bt3ah/today_is_a_big_day_for_the_chinese/
%
So excited for the season finale of America

I hope there's another season though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bt38b/so_excited_for_the_season_finale_of_america/
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How do you know Putin's doing well this election?

He's taking over the Poles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bt33l/how_do_you_know_putins_doing_well_this_election/
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What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common?

They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bt1v1/what_do_donald_trump_the_iphone_7_have_in_common/
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Nothing ruins a Friday more...

...than realizing that today is Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bsv31/nothing_ruins_a_friday_more/
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I tried to be a gentleman to this pretty lady, so I held the door open for her...

But she just screamed at me as she got sucked out of the plane! Women are so ungrateful for nice guys nowadays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bssk1/i_tried_to_be_a_gentleman_to_this_pretty_lady_so/
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A pregnant woman was shot during a bank robbery...

After being rushed to the hospital and treated in the ER, the doctor tells her some good and bad news. The good news is that she's having triplets, all boys and they're all healthy, the bad news is that they've each got a bullet inside of them and will pass this Bullet naturally in +- 18 years.
18 years later, the mother was sitting in her front room when her son bursts into the room, panicked,
"Mom, mom! You won't believe what just happened, I was peeing and a bullet came out of me and into the toilet." She laughed and told her son the story of when she was shot while pregnant.
A couple of months later, her other son burst into the room, panicked, telling her that he had peed out a bullet. She told him the story and they all had a good laugh about it.
About a week later, her third son came into the room she was sitting in, looking pale and very disturbed. "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out of you?" She said, slightly amused.
"No, I was jerking off in my room and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bsoy3/a_pregnant_woman_was_shot_during_a_bank_robbery/
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A bridge killed my family...

We're arch enemies now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bsobo/a_bridge_killed_my_family/
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Why are toblerones triangular prisms

To fit in the box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bslwj/why_are_toblerones_triangular_prisms/
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My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight...

She needs to lighten up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bsizf/my_girlfriend_hates_when_i_make_jokes_about_her/
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I finally figured out Donald Trump

You have to ruin America first if you want to make it great AGAIN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bsbvb/i_finally_figured_out_donald_trump/
%
Every time I go to the dentist...

Every time I go to the dentist, they always ask if I've been flossing. Not to be a liar, I tell them no.
"I could tell," the dentist will always say. "Your gums are red and inflamed."
Then he'll give a little lecture about how I need to be flossing every single day. Well, after my last visit six months ago, I was getting sick of that same lecture. The same judgemental looks from the receptionist who overheard our conversation. The same sense of shame as I drove home self-conscious of my red and inflamed gums.
So I finally decided to actually do it. I would floss every single day.
And I did.
For six months I would pull out my box of floss and pluck away at each spacing between my teeth. Not a day went by without me expending a foot of minty string to clean out the rogue gunk between each tooth.
I went into the dentist's office six months later with my head held high knowing I would be able to pass their little test. My gums would be devine. The oral hygienist would be in awe of my beautiful, uninflamed  gums. So when the dentist finally came to see me, he asked the same question:
"Have you been flossing?"
With a smile on my face, I proudly announced that I had indeed been flossing every day.
"Interesting," my dentist said. "Well it appears you've been flossing too hard. Your gums are red and inflamed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bsbpw/every_time_i_go_to_the_dentist/
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A Dutchman and German man were sat next to one another on an aeroplane.

The German took off his shoes and then stood up to get a drink. He asked the Dutchman if he would like him to fetch him a cola too. The Dutchman said that would be very nice. While the German man was getting the drinks, the Dutchman spat into his shoes. Towards the end of the flight, the German put his shoes back on and then realised what the Dutch man had done. He said to him ‘Why do we always have this hostility between our two countries? …Spitting in one another’s shoes and weeing in each other’s drinks!!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bsa5i/a_dutchman_and_german_man_were_sat_next_to_one/
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I bumped into my rival jousting opponent.

We exchanged lances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bs8rs/i_bumped_into_my_rival_jousting_opponent/
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Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bs8a8/why_is_stephen_hawking_successful/
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I don't approve of political jokes...

...I've seen too many of them get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bs81i/i_dont_approve_of_political_jokes/
%
I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning...

Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.
He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."
"No problem." I smiled.
He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."
I said, "I know, it's a chimney."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bs6lh/i_saw_a_homeless_man_sleeping_inside_a_big/
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Why did the man fall off his bike

Because someone threw a fridge at him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bs6jq/why_did_the_man_fall_off_his_bike/
%
In India, you don’t drive on the left of the road..

you drive on what is left on the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bs58z/in_india_you_dont_drive_on_the_left_of_the_road/
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Two old men......

......decide that they were close to their last days and decide to have a last night out on the town.
After a few drinks they end up in a brothel. The madam takes one look at the 2 old geezers and asks the manager, "Set up two blow-up dolls in first two rooms upstairs. These guys are so drunk, they would not notice. I am not wasting two of my girls on them!"
The manager does as he was asked and the men then goes upstairs and take care of their business.
On their way back home, the men were sharing about their experiences.
First man, "I think my girl was dead, you know!"
Second man, "Dead! Why do you say that?"
First man, "Well, she never moved or made a sound the whole time I was with her!"
Second man, "Could be worse. I think my girl was a witch!"
First man, "A witch?? Why the hell would you think so?"
Second man, "I was making love to her, kissed her neck and mistakenly bit her while I went down on her. She farted and flew out of the window......bloody took my teeth with her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bs4b6/two_old_men/
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Mohammed goes to school....

The children were returning to class after playtime.
The first child into class was Jack.
''Jack,'' said the teacher, ''what did you do this playtime?''
''I was playing in the sandpit,'' replied Jack.
''How fun! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you can have a cookie!''
Jack successfully spelled 'sand' on the board and was given a cookie.
Sally was the next child into class.
''Sally,'' said the teacher, ''what did you do this playtime?''
''I played in the sandpit, with Jack,'' replied Sally.
''How fun! If you can spell 'pit' on the board, you can have a cookie!''
Sally successfully spelled 'pit' on the board and was given a cookie.
Finally, Muhammad returned to the class, looking a little upset.
''Muhammad,'' said the teacher, ''what did you do this playtime?''
''Well, I wanted to play in the sandpit with Jack and Sally, but they threw sand at me,'' replied Muhammad.
The teacher gasped and said ''well, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell blatant racial discrimination on the board, I'll give you a cookie!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bs43r/mohammed_goes_to_school/
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What is a southern aristocratic families favourite dance move?

The whip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bs3xg/what_is_a_southern_aristocratic_families/
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Huge shout out to the woman that message me first...

Love you, Mum!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bs1d1/huge_shout_out_to_the_woman_that_message_me_first/
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What's the best machine at the gym?

The vending machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bs0i5/whats_the_best_machine_at_the_gym/
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Why is pornhub so busy today?

Because it's erection day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5brymr/why_is_pornhub_so_busy_today/
%
One out of every ten people lives next to a pedophile...

...not me, I live next to two beautiful 8 year olds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5brulc/one_out_of_every_ten_people_lives_next_to_a/
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A threesome of golfers approaches the tee...

The first golfer is Jesus. Jesus takes a swing and the ball sails directly into the water. Jesus' ball doesn't sink, and he walks across the water's surface and takes his second swing. The ball drops on the green.
The second golfer is Moses. He takes a mighty whack at the ball, but it also lands in the water. Moses says to the other golfers "Not a problem," and parts the water to reveal his ball. He takes another swing and lands on the green.
The third golfer steps up to the tee and takes a swing. Yet again, the ball drops in the water. This time, a frog rises to the surface of the water with the ball in its mouth. An eagle comes soaring from the sky and snatches the frog from the pond. The eagle begins to fly away, but it drops the frog. The frog plummets to the ground, and on impact, bursts like a balloon. The force of the frog exploding sends the ball zipping toward the pin. The ball comes to a rest millimeters from the hole. A gust of wind kicks up and the ball plunks softly into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says "I hate playing with your dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5brsut/a_threesome_of_golfers_approaches_the_tee/
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What's the one good thing about pedophiles?

They drive slow in school zones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5brpe8/whats_the_one_good_thing_about_pedophiles/
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Effective Anger Management

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5brpd8/effective_anger_management/
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A pillow warmer is a stupid idea…

Use your head!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bro1e/a_pillow_warmer_is_a_stupid_idea/
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I keep having flashbacks to my emo phase.

I think I might have PTXD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5brmqu/i_keep_having_flashbacks_to_my_emo_phase/
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I swear to god, people these days have no morals whatsoever

I was at church today and some scumbag lit a cigarette with an alter candle, I was so shocked I almost dropped my beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5brixa/i_swear_to_god_people_these_days_have_no_morals/
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A Farmer gets a Letter from his Neighbors

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.
"Dear Ronald J. Kse,
This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.
Thanks, your neighbors"
Now, Ronald had really enjoyed last year's party, so he was delighted to be the host for this year.
After a grand day of eating, drinking, and merrymaking, All of Ronald's neighbors left - without helping clean up.
"That's fine, its just one party, and I've done the same other years" said Ron.
Fast forward the next year, Ron was looking forward to this year's harvest, and the celebration that would follow.
After attending this year's anonymous vote, he gets another letter in the mail.
"Dear Mr. Kse,
After the amazing time everyone had last year, the vote was decided again for you to be the host! We look forward to seeing you again, and thank you."
Ron sighs, but thinks "Yeah, last year's party was pretty great. I guess the cleanup wasn't too bad. No worries."
Again, he gathered with his neighbors, and they feasted and drank themselves silly... but there were twice as many people this year. Friends, family, friends of family were all invited...
The cleanup was far worse this year. "But," Ron thought, "there's no way I'll get it three years in a row."
Next year, Ron's sister was visiting, and went with him to check the mail. She handed him a very lavish envelope, garnished with golden filigree and laden with caligraphy.
She exclaimed "Wow! This is beautiful! It must be something very wonderful and important!"
"No... I've seen this before... It's another fucking reap host..." said R. Joe Kse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5brfsh/a_farmer_gets_a_letter_from_his_neighbors/
%
A group of Australian students where discussing if Trump became president who would he nuke and what would be his motives.

One of the students brightly said "Well, he has no motive to nuke us, we fought in Nam with them and we would be considered allies."
Another student says,
"He has motive to nuke New Zealand though."
The other students are intrigued as to why.
He says,
"Well he hates goat fuckers so he ought to hate sheep fuckers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5brd1m/a_group_of_australian_students_where_discussing/
%
Just want to remind all you Trump supporters

to get out and vote early on Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5brbdo/just_want_to_remind_all_you_trump_supporters/
%
What's the difference between three penises and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5braw4/whats_the_difference_between_three_penises_and_a/
%
Interview with farmer

A female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This interview went as follows:
The lady reporter:  “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed):  “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
Reporter:  “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
Farmer:  “I am getting to the point, Miss.”  “Just imagine, if I was playing with your breasts twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't YOU get mad?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5braiv/interview_with_farmer/
%
My friend said that onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I killed his mom with a coconut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5brag6/my_friend_said_that_onions_are_the_only_food_that/
%
How do Rabbis make money?

They keep the tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5br4tr/how_do_rabbis_make_money/
%
What do nutrition labels and tumblr have in common?

They're both full of trans fats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5br3j9/what_do_nutrition_labels_and_tumblr_have_in_common/
%
You think you can escape Stalin's prison camps?

Hah, gulag with that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5br351/you_think_you_can_escape_stalins_prison_camps/
%
I love being a mosquito...

People always clap when I'm around!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bqw7y/i_love_being_a_mosquito/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

you can keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bqvza/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
A flat chested young lady went to Dr. Smith

about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." golftime2015, who was sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bqtje/a_flat_chested_young_lady_went_to_dr_smith/
%
What do you call gay sex between the founder of Scientology and a Native American?

The Indian in the Hubbard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bqs6z/what_do_you_call_gay_sex_between_the_founder_of/
%
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least 7. One to screw in the bulb and the others to form a support system. They would also like you to know they're vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bqpez/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I'd like to teach you how to win any argument.

Unfortunately my wife won't teach me her technique.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bqp7u/id_like_to_teach_you_how_to_win_any_argument/
%
Ebay

You have got to love Ebay
Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bqm5g/ebay/
%
Two deer are outside a gay bar

And one says, "I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks in there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bqkln/two_deer_are_outside_a_gay_bar/
%
If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country, if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country

Not a political post, I just love to travel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bqkfj/if_trump_wins_im_leaving_the_country_if_clinton/
%
Two rednecks are at a bar...

...when one says to the other, "You know what? I'm gonna go back and finish my degree!" His friend agrees this is a good idea, and so the next day he goes to his local community college to enroll in some classes. He goes to the office of the registrar and tells the man, "Howdy! I'd like to finish my degree!" The registrar looks up his transcript and informs the man he only needs three classes to receive his diploma: English, history, and logic.
"Ok...I get the English and the history, but what on Earth is logic?" asks the man.
"I'll explain by example! Do you, sir, own a lawnmower?"
"Yessir I do."
"So that would mean you have a lawn, correct?"
"Yessir."
"If you have a lawn, you certainly have a house, no?"
"...yeah..."
"Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but if you have a house, with a lawn and a lawnmower, you must have a family with whom you reside?"
"Well I'll be damned!"
"But that's not all! Having a family would mean you have a wife, and thus you, being a male yourself, are heterosexual. Or am I wrong?"
"I can't believe it! You got all that from one stupid question? This class is gonna be great!"
So the man enrolls in the classes and heads home. A few days later he's at the bar with his friend again when he tells him that he's enrolled in some classes: English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" asks his friend. "What on Earth is that?"
"I'll explain with an example, buddy! Do you own a lawnmower?"
"No."
"Well then, you're a faggot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bqk0c/two_rednecks_are_at_a_bar/
%
What is a buddhist's favorite pizza?

One with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bqiv9/what_is_a_buddhists_favorite_pizza/
%
Jesus loves you may be a wonderful thing to hear in church

But it's a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bqeia/jesus_loves_you_may_be_a_wonderful_thing_to_hear/
%
Two Golfers

Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game.  The game, as
always, was close.  They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green.  There
were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
feet beyond it.  Harry went first.  He carefully addressed the ball and hit
a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
pond.  Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
procession along the road just behind the green.  Fred put down his club,
took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass.  As soon as
the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
again.  Harry said, "Damn, Fred.  That was a really nice thing you did,
waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball.  It
was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole.  "It's the least I
could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
you know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bqa4m/two_golfers/
%
What's the best thing to bring to your holiday party?

A Christmas tree. Because they're lit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bq21w/whats_the_best_thing_to_bring_to_your_holiday/
%
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day,

Teach a man to phish and he'll empty an old woman's savings account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bq0h5/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
%
Think of this election like turning on a racetrack

You do have two decisions but it probably won't be right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bpxjv/think_of_this_election_like_turning_on_a_racetrack/
%
Do you know why Stevie Wonder can't see his friends?

He got married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bpxia/do_you_know_why_stevie_wonder_cant_see_his_friends/
%
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor...

....if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bpvcl/an_elderly_but_hardy_cattleman_from_texas_once/
%
The winners write the history books...

I guess the prize for winning is a boring-ass job?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bprlj/the_winners_write_the_history_books/
%
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bpqv4/whats_the_hardest_part_of_eating_a_vegetable/
%
What is Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bppti/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_nation/
%
Being a good husband

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?
Husband: She is playing on the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bpmk9/being_a_good_husband/
%
Trump and Hillary fall into the water. Who will be rescued?

America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bpi5m/trump_and_hillary_fall_into_the_water_who_will_be/
%
How do you catch a polar bear?

You make a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When the bear goes in to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bph6z/how_do_you_catch_a_polar_bear/
%
Why didn't 2x befriend x^2 ?

He had trouble integrating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bpefz/why_didnt_2x_befriend_x2/
%
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade...

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1876.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'The American People, November 8th, 2016'....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bpe1m/it_was_the_first_day_of_a_school_in_usa_and_a_new/
%
Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bpc34/why_cant_michael_jackson_play_chess/
%
What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 15 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bp41m/whats_the_difference_between_911_and_a_cow/
%
I've perfected an AI as a substitute to a girlfriend.

Every time I try to turn it on I get the silent treatment and there are no output to tell me what's wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bp2qr/ive_perfected_an_ai_as_a_substitute_to_a/
%
A doe runs out of the forest and says

"That's the last time I do that for two bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bp2ej/a_doe_runs_out_of_the_forest_and_says/
%
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts...

...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bozet/in_a_democracy_its_your_vote_that_counts/
%
What's the best angle to approach any challenge?

Try-Angle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5boyt0/whats_the_best_angle_to_approach_any_challenge/
%
Why did the lizards get a divorce?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5boycb/why_did_the_lizards_get_a_divorce/
%
I came home to my girlfriend packing her bags.

What are you doing?
-I'm leaving you. I heard you're a pedophile!
That's a pretty big word for a seven year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bosw2/i_came_home_to_my_girlfriend_packing_her_bags/
%
A joke walks into a bar...

Bartender says woah! I've never *meta* joke before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5borsf/a_joke_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man asks a bartender: "How late does the band play?"

"Only about half a beat behind the drummer." The bartender replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bobt3/a_man_asks_a_bartender_how_late_does_the_band_play/
%
If I put a cheddar cheese stick in a pencil sharpener

Will it come out sharp or shredded?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bobsy/if_i_put_a_cheddar_cheese_stick_in_a_pencil/
%
Wife and I were watching a re-run of ALF.

There's a kid in the oncology ward and a couple of people talking in the hallway outside his room.  One says to the other "What do you tell a kid who won't live until Christmas?"
My wife says "Shop early!"
Yep, that's why I married her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bo9f5/wife_and_i_were_watching_a_rerun_of_alf/
%
Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move. Convincing her she's a robot is called bladerunning...

It's a Phillip K. Dick move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bo9bz/convincing_your_girlfriend_shes_crazy_is_called/
%
What is a cat's favorite breakfast?

Mice crispies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bo6g0/what_is_a_cats_favorite_breakfast/
%
I went to library to check out a book on suicide.

The librarian asked me "who would bring it back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bo5r9/i_went_to_library_to_check_out_a_book_on_suicide/
%
Trump on Day 1

Trump's first day at the Oval Office, after being elected President 🇺🇸
First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can't do that.
Trump: Why is that?
CIA: India will cut Balochistan out of Pak.
Trump: I don't care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our Stealth Drones back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi'ite govt of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can't do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can't do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1B visas.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of Staff: If you do so, we'll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump (sweating profusely by now): What the hell should I do as President???
CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir!
We'll take care of the rest!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bo45h/trump_on_day_1/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me

She thinks that I'm childish. So, I calmed down. Took a deep breath. Went to her house. Rang the doorbell and then ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bnw61/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me/
%
Russian nesting dolls are so pretentious.

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bnsvm/russian_nesting_dolls_are_so_pretentious/
%
If Trump wins the election and replaces President Obama...

...orange will be the new black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bnrq7/if_trump_wins_the_election_and_replaces_president/
%
Help! My husband's too controlling!



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bnn9l/help_my_husbands_too_controlling/
%
I painted my computer black so it would run faster...

but a cop shot it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bnmkx/i_painted_my_computer_black_so_it_would_run_faster/
%
What's the most embarrassing part about Hillary Clinton's emails?

The Nigerian Prince actually came through with the money transfer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bnj1j/whats_the_most_embarrassing_part_about_hillary/
%
It's a well know fact that Elton John is an excellent pianist.

But did you know he sucks on the organ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bni9b/its_a_well_know_fact_that_elton_john_is_an/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bni07/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
How do you tell the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber?

Ask them to pronounce 'Unionized'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bne7z/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
%
Why are Fencers so popular on /r/Jokes?

Because they do well with Ripostes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bndc5/why_are_fencers_so_popular_on_rjokes/
%
Good news for insomniacs

Only three more sleeps til Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bnak2/good_news_for_insomniacs/
%
How many dads does it take to change a light bulb?

Asking because it's been a week and mine still hasn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bna1f/how_many_dads_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
So a blonde and her two friends went hunting...

The first woman comes back with a rabbit, to the amazement of the second woman, who proceeds to ask "How'd you do it?"
To which the first replies "Found the tracks, followed the tracks, saw the rabbit, shot the rabbit, rabbit stopped."
The second woman then goes out and comes back with a deer, to the amazement of the blonde, who proceeds to ask "How'd you do it?"
The second woman says "found the tracks, followed the tracks, saw the deer, shot the deer, deer stopped."
The blonde goes out and ends up in the hospital. The other women go to visit her and ask "WHAT HAPPENED?"
The blonde replies "Found the train tracks, followed the train tracks, saw the train, shot the train, train didn't stop..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bn9qx/so_a_blonde_and_her_two_friends_went_hunting/
%
A toothpaste company got complaints

Many of the boxes they were shipping contained no toothpaste tube, and they figured that there's a problem along the production line.
So they instructed their engineers to set it up so that before shipping, the boxes get weighed, and if found to be empty, a beep would alert a worker who would log the problem and eliminate the empty box.
Now, for a few weeks, it all went as planned, complaints have died down, but then, the reports just stopped coming. The management got suspicious that the workers have been slacking off, so they send the foreman to investigate.
And the foreman finds the shift worker chilling in his chair, playing with his phone. The foreman was angry, of course, asking what the guy was thinking, slacking like that, that he should be logging reports and taking care of empty boxes.
The guy looks up and smiles: "Well, it got tedious to get up and push a button every time the bloody thing beeps, so I set up an electric fan to just blow the empty ones off the track before they could get through. Best thing I ever did in this position, I tell you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bn95j/a_toothpaste_company_got_complaints/
%
A guy had 6.023*10^23 bruises in his body...

Experts are saying he got molested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bn55b/a_guy_had_60231023_bruises_in_his_body/
%
PSA: Don't let anyone tell you how to vote. You should vote for the candidate you believe will be most beneficial for the Country.

Whomever she happens to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bn3dm/psa_dont_let_anyone_tell_you_how_to_vote_you/
%
What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bn1r4/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
A horse walks into the bar

Several people left because they realised the possible dangers of that situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bmxyw/a_horse_walks_into_the_bar/
%
Hundred bucks is Hundred bucks!

Dave and his wife Shae went to the state fair every year, and every year Dave would say,
'Shae,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Shae always replied,
'I know Dave, but that helicopter ride is hundred bucks, and hundred bucks is hundred bucks'
One year Dave and Shae went to the fair, and Dave said,
'Shae, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Shae replied,
"Dave that helicopter ride is hundred bucks, and hundred bucks is hundred bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's hundred dollars.'
Dave and Shae agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Dave and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Dave replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Shae fell out, but you know, hundred bucks is hundred bucks!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bmlqa/hundred_bucks_is_hundred_bucks/
%
Blonde joke in a bar..

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
"Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us are blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bmkdv/blonde_joke_in_a_bar/
%
A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bmivx/a_german_an_american_and_a_russian_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How do Buddhist monks send emails?

They remove all attachments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bmhwo/how_do_buddhist_monks_send_emails/
%
I would tell a joke...

But I'm sure you've reddit before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bmh9x/i_would_tell_a_joke/
%
After 8 years Americans prove the rumor to be false.

They went black and now they are going back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bmfq8/after_8_years_americans_prove_the_rumor_to_be/
%
I hate it when homeless shake their cups with change in them

I know you have more money than me, stop showing off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bmfpf/i_hate_it_when_homeless_shake_their_cups_with/
%
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted?

Because it was a noble gas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bmcqr/why_didnt_anyone_react_when_the_king_farted/
%
Jesus fed 5,000 Jewish people

With bread and fish, and he's adored for it.
I don't get it,
Hitler made 6 million Jewish people toast and he's hated for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bm6ao/jesus_fed_5000_jewish_people/
%
If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bm2xs/if_you_ever_feel_like_your_job_is_meaningless/
%
The Clinton Foundation is like my ex-wife.

They keep 94% of the money and still don't feed the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bm1fm/the_clinton_foundation_is_like_my_exwife/
%
Duck Hunting Joke

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bm0m2/duck_hunting_joke/
%
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing...

...either the car is new or the wife is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5blynl/when_a_man_opens_the_car_door_for_his_wife_you/
%
I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5blygd/i_saw_this_advert_in_a_window_that_said/
%
Why did the black guy cross the road?

He heard there was chicken on the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bltso/why_did_the_black_guy_cross_the_road/
%
Did you hear about the woman who couldn't remember if she had sex with Charlie Sheen?

At first she wasn't sure, but now she's positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bltk2/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_couldnt_remember/
%
Never iron a four leaf clover...

You don't want to press your luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5blrze/never_iron_a_four_leaf_clover/
%
If I had $1 every time somebody called me a racist...

Black people would rob me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5blql2/if_i_had_1_every_time_somebody_called_me_a_racist/
%
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...

...is one of Donald Trumps more offensive slogans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5blq4w/im_dreaming_of_a_white_christmas/
%
Why was the snowman smiling?

...he saw a snowblower coming up the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5blp63/why_was_the_snowman_smiling/
%
Her: Come over, Joseph!

Stalin: Can't, I'm sending people to gulag
Her: My parents aren't at home
Stalin: I know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5blme1/her_come_over_joseph/
%
A guy goes to the doctor

and tells him: "Listen, I felt a weird lump on one of my balls and all of a sudden it began tingling. Next day I wake up and I got a freakishly huge testicle and a regular one and I have no idea how it got like that."
Doctor: "Well, let's see it."
Guy: "No way, you're gonna laugh at it. Just give me some pills or something."
Doctor: "Dude, I'm a doctor, I've seen all kinds of things. There's no way I'd laugh at one of my patients."
Guy: "You're gonna laugh at it. I know it."
The doctor insists he won't and after some convincing the guy agrees to show him the swollen testicle. He unzips, reaches in with one hand, then the other, grabs it and begins pulling it out. It's so large and heavy that even with both hands he struggles to put it on the table.  The doctor takes one look at this misshapen, lumpy, mess and bursts out laughing.
Guy: "See! I fucking knew it! No way I'm showing you the swollen one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bllpp/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What did one cell say to his sister cell that stepped on his toe?

.
.
.
mitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bljb3/what_did_one_cell_say_to_his_sister_cell_that/
%
It was a rainy day, she had just left him and was walking back home...

"Nobody will find him there"
She thought as she walked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bliqe/it_was_a_rainy_day_she_had_just_left_him_and_was/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5blfea/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven's odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5blexq/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
I know this gem of a procrastination joke.

I'll tell you later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bldyy/i_know_this_gem_of_a_procrastination_joke/
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In the case of emergencies, why are women and children evacuated first?

So that men can think for a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bldxb/in_the_case_of_emergencies_why_are_women_and/
%
[Offensive] Adolf visits the concentration camp and asks a young boy how old he is

"I'll be 6 soon!"
"Nope"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5blce1/offensive_adolf_visits_the_concentration_camp_and/
%
If the camera really does add 10 pounds

Do Ethiopian kids even exist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5blb3b/if_the_camera_really_does_add_10_pounds/
%
What do you call it when worms take over the world?

Global Worming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bladd/what_do_you_call_it_when_worms_take_over_the_world/
%
How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your front door?

The knocking is out of time and they don't know when to come in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bl9yk/how_do_you_know_when_a_bass_player_and_drummer/
%
Why can't a blonde dial 911?

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bl85m/why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
%
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor

and tells him, "make me one with everything."
The vendor gives him a hot dog and the buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill.
After a moment of waiting, the buddhist asks, "Where's my change?"
The vendor smiles and says, "Ahh, change must come from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bl5aj/a_buddhist_walks_up_to_a_hot_dog_vendor/
%
Police were called to a day care

Toddler was resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bl1t7/police_were_called_to_a_day_care/
%
What do you call a fast, Spanish paedophile?

Rapedo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bkxc1/what_do_you_call_a_fast_spanish_paedophile/
%
i think ive gone insane. i cut off my nose.

nothing makes scents anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bkwns/i_think_ive_gone_insane_i_cut_off_my_nose/
%
My boss said "You are the worst train driver I have seen. Late again by more than hour"

I told him there was a guy that jumped on the track so I had to apply the emergency brakes. Boss tells me that this is dangerous to the passengers so next time just run over him.
The next day I am late again. He is furious and I explain that one more guy jumped on the tracks.
"I TOLD YOU TO RUN OVER HIM" he screamed.
"Yes I know" I retorted. "But the guy just chickened out last second and jumped out of the tracks and so I had to follow him all over the town to run over him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bkwca/my_boss_said_you_are_the_worst_train_driver_i/
%
BILL GATES IN HELL

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bkoq1/bill_gates_in_hell/
%
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks.  I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT:   Mac?
COSTELLO:   No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT:   Your computer?
COSTELLO:   I don't own a computer.  I want to buy one.
ABBOTT:   Mac?
COSTELLO:   I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT:   What about Windows?
COSTELLO:   Why?  Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT:   Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO:   I don't know.  What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT:   Wallpaper.
COSTELLO:   Never mind the windows.  I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT:   Software for Windows?
COSTELLO:   No.  On the computer!  I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.  What do you have?
ABBOTT:   Office.
COSTELLO:   Yeah, for my office.  Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT:   I just did.
COSTELLO:   You just did what?
ABBOTT:   Recommend something.
COSTELLO:   You recommended something?
ABBOTT:   Yes.
COSTELLO:   For my office?
ABBOTT:   Yes.
COSTELLO:   OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT:   Office.
COSTELLO:   Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT:   I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO:   I already have an office with windows!  OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.  What do I need?
ABBOTT:   Word.
COSTELLO:   What word?
ABBOTT:   Word in Office.
COSTELLO:   The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT:   The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO:   Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT:   The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO:   I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers.  What about financial bookkeeping?  You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT T:   Money.
COSTELLO:   That's right.  What do you have?
ABBOTT:   Money.
COSTELLO:   I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT:   It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO:   What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT:   Money.
COSTELLO:   Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT:   Yes.  No extra charge.
COSTELLO:   I get a bundle of money with my computer?  How much?
ABBOTT:   One copy.
COSTELLO:   Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT:   Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO:   They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT:   Why not?  THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT:   Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you?
COSTELLO:   How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT:   Click on "START".............

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bkjzx/if_bud_abbott_and_lou_costello_were_alive_today/
%
My credit card was stolen yesterday...

Not sure if I should report it, the thief is spending a lot less than my wife normally does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bkfck/my_credit_card_was_stolen_yesterday/
%
Someone asked me how I view Lesbian relationships...

and apparently, "in HD" wasn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bkdjg/someone_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian_relationships/
%
A local caricature artist got arrested today

I always thought he was a sketchy type of guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bkcoj/a_local_caricature_artist_got_arrested_today/
%
I wasn't too impressed by Dr. Strange..

I've seen Stranger Things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bkc3f/i_wasnt_too_impressed_by_dr_strange/
%
Boycott shampoo.

Demand real poo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bk2zu/boycott_shampoo/
%
A Chinese guy comes into the pub, stands next to me and starts drinking.

I said to him "Do you know any of those martial arts like Kung-Fu, Ju-Jitsu or Karate?"
He says "Why da fuk you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinese?"
"No" I said, "It's because you're drinking my fucking beer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bk1ct/a_chinese_guy_comes_into_the_pub_stands_next_to/
%
I watched a tv show about beavers today...

Best dam program I've ever seen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bk16m/i_watched_a_tv_show_about_beavers_today/
%
I hate myself for laughing, but a joke my grandpa told me..

What do you call 5 black people having sex?
A Three some.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bk0lf/i_hate_myself_for_laughing_but_a_joke_my_grandpa/
%
My wife and I were convicted of paedophilia

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bjwsd/my_wife_and_i_were_convicted_of_paedophilia/
%
The penny making machine at the US mint stopped working the other day....

The director of the mint himself came to the machines engineer to ask him what the problem was.
"I can't figure it out!" exclaimed the puzzled engineer. "It doesn't make cents!!"
(Best told in person)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bjuw8/the_penny_making_machine_at_the_us_mint_stopped/
%
"I had to keep a straight face."

-my bi friend who's in the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bjrl4/i_had_to_keep_a_straight_face/
%
People are wondering who will win the 2016 Presidential election, but I already know who will win the next election.

That's because I've got 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bjpq1/people_are_wondering_who_will_win_the_2016/
%
Usain Bolt its so fast when he misses the bus

He just waits at the next stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bjp9y/usain_bolt_its_so_fast_when_he_misses_the_bus/
%
A museum tour guide points to a fossil "This fossil right here is sixty-eight million and three years old."

One of the visitors asks: "How can you be so precise?"
"I first started working here three years ago, and on my first day the head of the museum told me it was sixty-eight million years old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bjosh/a_museum_tour_guide_points_to_a_fossil_this/
%
I had a horrible night last night

My blow up doll ran off with my air mattress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bjn88/i_had_a_horrible_night_last_night/
%
How do you fix a pumpkin

With a pumpkin patch...
I'm so sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bjig2/how_do_you_fix_a_pumpkin/
%
To the women who keeps waking me up at 3AM by pounding on my door:

I'm not letting you out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bjgvt/to_the_women_who_keeps_waking_me_up_at_3am_by/
%
My own Mother called me a 'Son of a Bitch'.

Then she told me I was adopted :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bjel7/my_own_mother_called_me_a_son_of_a_bitch/
%
Getting old sucks. I walked into the bathroom and forgot what I went in there for.

And then I shit my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bjdrx/getting_old_sucks_i_walked_into_the_bathroom_and/
%
I love telling jokes...

But I always punch up the fuck line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bjboz/i_love_telling_jokes/
%
What do you call a chicken at the north pole?

Lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bj8hx/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_at_the_north_pole/
%
The man who created autocorrect has died

Restaurant in peace

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bj4ib/the_man_who_created_autocorrect_has_died/
%
Why was the chicken Russian?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bj3ud/why_was_the_chicken_russian/
%
How did I sleep in college? I slept like a baby...

I woke up every two hours to vomit, shit myself and cry myself back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bj3dh/how_did_i_sleep_in_college_i_slept_like_a_baby/
%
Why did the man marry a monkey?

Because he wanted a PRIME-MATE!
sorry
...sorry twice if this is an old joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bj08k/why_did_the_man_marry_a_monkey/
%
Hear about the lazy baker who wanted a pay increase?

He rarely kneeded the dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5biz6m/hear_about_the_lazy_baker_who_wanted_a_pay/
%
What's the difference between a monkey flinging poo at the zoo and someone posting political memes on Facebook?

Answer: One is the sad, desparate attempt of a poor creature with little freedom to get attention from strangers, and the other is just something animals at the zoo do when they're bored.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5biyqe/whats_the_difference_between_a_monkey_flinging/
%
One night...

One night, after being married for many years, a couple is in the bed when she feels her husband touching her like he did when they were young.
He started in the neck, down the back to the buttocks; returned to the neck, the shoulders, the breasts and stopped in the stomach; put his hand inside the left arm, passed the breast, buttock, the left leg to the foot, climbed into the inner thigh and stopped right on top of the leg. Did this for a while and suddenly, turns around and doesn't say a word.
The wife tells him fondly:
-Honey, that was wonderful, why did you stop?
Found the remote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5biy4z/one_night/
%
My friend told me to sing Wonderwall

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bixbc/my_friend_told_me_to_sing_wonderwall/
%
Army Wargames

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
They helped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5biw2l/army_wargames/
%
I'm really confused by the fact people judge me for refusing to pay for Netflix...

I mean, I've seen Stranger Things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bivvw/im_really_confused_by_the_fact_people_judge_me/
%
Sorry if this comes across as offensive...

Two dyslexic men attempt to rob a train.
One man shouts to the carriage "Air in the hands motherstickers!"
The other man shouts "This is a fuck up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bivu2/sorry_if_this_comes_across_as_offensive/
%
How do you spot the blind man at a nudist beach?

Well..it's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bitse/how_do_you_spot_the_blind_man_at_a_nudist_beach/
%
Two soldiers are sitting on opposite sides of a river

They do not understand each other's language. The one on the east side(american) calls to the other "how did you get over there did you parachute or did you swim?" All the while he made a signal with his arms of a parachute coming down and swung his arms as if swimming. Then he proceeds to say "I see you have a gun can you hit with it?" He Thrusts a finger into a closed fist as if it is a bullet. Then,finally he says,"I see you have binoculars and are watching me" he cups his hands around his eyes like binoculars.
The other soldier jumps up,runs back to base and tell his Commanding Officer "We have to leave the Americans are batshit crazy,one of them signaled me: when the sun goes down I will swim across the river and fuck you till your eyes pop out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5birwv/two_soldiers_are_sitting_on_opposite_sides_of_a/
%
Humans are like ketchup on a steak

People look at you funny when you eat them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5biq8j/humans_are_like_ketchup_on_a_steak/
%
A prostitute goes to the doctor

Prostitute: "it's too wide, the guys don't like it anymore, I wanna make it tighter"
Doctor: "no problem, but I have to see it first"
She undresses and shows him.
Doctor: "What's this?" "What's this?" "What's this?"
Prostitute: "Why'd you say it 3 times?"
Doctor: "I said it once but the rest echoed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bipir/a_prostitute_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Why are friendzone'd guys always sick?

They suffer from m'ladies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bio6x/why_are_friendzoned_guys_always_sick/
%
Why did the blind girl fall in the well?

She couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5biny5/why_did_the_blind_girl_fall_in_the_well/
%
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and sweats?

A nervous wreck...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bin0g/what_lies_on_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_and_sweats/
%
What did one doughnut say to the other...

...you look a little glazed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bimjq/what_did_one_doughnut_say_to_the_other/
%
What did the vinaigrette say to the refrigerator?

"Close the door! I'm dressing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bim9z/what_did_the_vinaigrette_say_to_the_refrigerator/
%
This little old lady...

So there's this little old lady who lost her husband. They had been high school sweethearts, married young, and lived together for 70 years until the day he died. She was a housewife her whole life and never even dated anyone else, so she moved into an assisted living facility when her husband passed. She never drank, never did drugs, never gambled, never cheated, but her one vice was smoking.
The only facility she could afford on her limited income was strictly non-smoking. She had smoked as long as she could remember, and wasn't about to stop now. Whenever she wanted a cigarette, she would just have to go outside to smoke. Luckily there was one other resident there who also smoked, so they quickly became friends.
One day this little old lady is outside smoking a cigarette with her friend. Suddenly it starts to rain. Her cigarette goes out, but her friend pulls something from a pocket and uses it to cover her cigarette. She's able to continue smoking without her cigarette going out.
"Well that's clever, it's like a little raincoat. What do you call it?" asked the little old lady.
"It's called a condom. I get them from the drug store."
The following day the little old lady went to the drug store. She marched right up to the counter and said, "Sir, I'd like to buy some condoms."
The tall pharmacist smiled down on her. "Well ma'am, we have many sizes and styles. Which kind would you like?"
This little old lady hadn't considered the question before. She looked puzzled for a moment before saying, "I don't really care as long as it's big enough to fit a Camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bikwy/this_little_old_lady/
%
Did you hear about the cannibal who visited the ICU ward?

His doctor told him to eat more vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bihlt/did_you_hear_about_the_cannibal_who_visited_the/
%
My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bib2v/my_boss_said_to_me_youre_the_worst_train_driver/
%
For a while Houdini used trap doors in every act

It was a stage he was going through

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5biajo/for_a_while_houdini_used_trap_doors_in_every_act/
%
A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend. [NSFW]

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his goods, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?' She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bi82u/a_man_is_in_bed_with_his_thai_girlfriend_nsfw/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bi5i7/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the pyschopath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bi3ut/how_do_crazy_people_go_through_the_forest/
%
I just found out my on-line girlfriend has a wooden leg.

should I break it off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bi2yl/i_just_found_out_my_online_girlfriend_has_a/
%
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend....

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhz9n/a_young_man_was_showing_off_his_new_sports_car_to/
%
What did the left butt cheek tell the right one..?

If we stick together, we can stop this sh*t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhx6s/what_did_the_left_butt_cheek_tell_the_right_one/
%
Did you hear about the bread-less klansman who couldn't drink milk?

He lacked toast and tolerance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhw2s/did_you_hear_about_the_breadless_klansman_who/
%
Gambling in Vegas

My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me the slot machines are easy to win big at. He went to town in a $20,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.
I thought "nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.
A Greyhound bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhvoe/gambling_in_vegas/
%
Do you know the one step to avoiding Clickbait?

Obviously not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhv19/do_you_know_the_one_step_to_avoiding_clickbait/
%
America's future

That's the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhue0/americas_future/
%
Free Tibet

I'LL TAKE IT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhroc/free_tibet/
%
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhrjh/three_scotsmen_were_sitting_in_a_bar_together/
%
A Higgs Boson walks into a Church and is told to leave

He says 'but you can't have mass without me!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhrfx/a_higgs_boson_walks_into_a_church_and_is_told_to/
%
Is your refrigerator running?

Because i will vote for it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhmxv/is_your_refrigerator_running/
%
A woman, a murderer, a liar, a thief, and a cuckold walk into a bar

The bartender asks: "What will it be, Mrs. Clinton?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhlf8/a_woman_a_murderer_a_liar_a_thief_and_a_cuckold/
%
I got a job as a triangle player in a Reggae band...

I just stand at the back and ting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhldq/i_got_a_job_as_a_triangle_player_in_a_reggae_band/
%
How does a feminist ask for Halloween candies?

Trigger Treat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhdrb/how_does_a_feminist_ask_for_halloween_candies/
%
Why didn't the approaching black hole concern the astronaut?

He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhcqa/why_didnt_the_approaching_black_hole_concern_the/
%
What's the hardest part about making a manicure joke?

You really have to nail it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bhcq8/whats_the_hardest_part_about_making_a_manicure/
%
A rough and tough cowboy...

A rough and tough cowboy just finished his drink in an Old Western tavern. He stood up and walked outside, but a few seconds later he barreled back through the door.
With a mean look on his face and anger in his eyes, he said, "I'm gonna sit back down and have me another drink, and if my horse ain't back where I left it by the time I'm done, I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Texas. And I REALLY don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!" So he sat back down, finished his second drink, and walked back outside. Sure enough, his horse was tied back up to its post, just where he left it. But right before he left, one of the scared patrons stopped him, and timidly asked,
"Mister...what was it that you had to do back in Texas?"
So the cowboy looked him straight in the eye and said,
"I had to walk home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bh8c7/a_rough_and_tough_cowboy/
%
An old woman needed her porch painted...

So she called up a guy and asked,
"Could you come by? I need to have my porch painted red."
"Yes ma'am, I'll be there in a jiffy. "
He shows up and let's the old lady know it shouldn't take him too long. She's surprised by this because her porch is large and wraps around the house, but she just accepts he's a fast worker.
30 minutes later she hears a knock at the front door.
" Hey ma'am, I'm finished!"
She looks around and notices the porch hasn't been touched.
"You haven't even painted my porch!"
"Of course I did! By the way ma'am that's a Chevy not a Porch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bh7wa/an_old_woman_needed_her_porch_painted/
%
"Grandpa, get out of the bathtub. You'll get cold and die."

Grandpa got out of the bathtub, got cold, and died...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bh69y/grandpa_get_out_of_the_bathtub_youll_get_cold_and/
%
If storks bring white babies, and crows bring black babies, what birds bring no babies?

Swallows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bh328/if_storks_bring_white_babies_and_crows_bring/
%
What's grosser than gross, and sicker than sick?

When you sit on Grampa's lap and he pops a boner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bh2vn/whats_grosser_than_gross_and_sicker_than_sick/
%
A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.

She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car crash, or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bgzso/a_college_teacher_said_this_about_the_finals/
%
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump get into a car accident. Who survives?

America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bgylz/hillary_clinton_and_donald_trump_get_into_a_car/
%
Just been chatting to my neighbor's teenage daughter

It turns out she's really into aliens and UFOs
Which is cool because tommorow she's getting abducted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bgyap/just_been_chatting_to_my_neighbors_teenage/
%
Never make fun of fat girls with lisps...

They're thick and tired of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bgxgh/never_make_fun_of_fat_girls_with_lisps/
%
I enrolled to online Private Investigator Course but they are not answering...

I'm not sure if they just ignoring me or this is my first case...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bgxew/i_enrolled_to_online_private_investigator_course/
%
If Donald Trump becomes president, he'll increase taxes, he'll increase borders...

And the population of Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bgw9r/if_donald_trump_becomes_president_hell_increase/
%
There is a thin line between Numerator and Denominator.

I bet only a fraction of you get this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bgu4h/there_is_a_thin_line_between_numerator_and/
%
I bought a pair of shoes from a ginger.

I have no idea why he sold them to me, they have no soles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bgl0j/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a_ginger/
%
I always use incognito mode when looking at porn and video game walkthroughs.

I don't want my wife to think I'm a cheater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bgkq3/i_always_use_incognito_mode_when_looking_at_porn/
%
a C, an E flat, and a G walk into a bar...

the bartender says: sorry, we don't serve minors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bgk8o/a_c_an_e_flat_and_a_g_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Plastic surgeons don't get along with me.

But they bring out the breast in my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bgd8v/plastic_surgeons_dont_get_along_with_me/
%
Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like...

Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bgan8/voting_for_hillary_because_of_her_political/
%
Daylight Saving Time ends today. So I have to remind myself,

that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bg6ps/daylight_saving_time_ends_today_so_i_have_to/
%
I'm addicted to placebos.

I could quit but it wouldn't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bg2im/im_addicted_to_placebos/
%
What do you call 6.63*10^-34 mutinied pirates?

Planck walkers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bg1rm/what_do_you_call_6631034_mutinied_pirates/
%
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

“Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. “Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfzz1/a_murderer_sitting_in_the_electric_chair_was/
%
A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!”

“Your Honor,” the defendant says, “that’s what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn’t listen.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfz8g/a_judge_is_reprimanding_the_defendant_in_a_trial/
%
A hole has appeared in the ladies’ changing rooms at the downtown sports club.

Police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfynt/a_hole_has_appeared_in_the_ladies_changing_rooms/
%
Google Assistant gave me that one

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfy6e/google_assistant_gave_me_that_one/
%
A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.”
Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfy1h/a_defendant_isnt_happy_with_how_things_are_going/
%
Amish boy and his father were in a mall...

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .
'Go get your Mother'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfwop/amish_boy_and_his_father_were_in_a_mall/
%
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfvqu/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
%
When I was a kid, my family was very poor...

I remember my dad was cutting Onion and our whole family was crying.
Poor Onion.
He was such a good dog...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfu47/when_i_was_a_kid_my_family_was_very_poor/
%
What do you call someone with spasms and bladder problems?

A twitch streamer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bft8i/what_do_you_call_someone_with_spasms_and_bladder/
%
I killed a black guy....

I thought I would get arrest for murder, but I got arrest for impersonating a cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfn38/i_killed_a_black_guy/
%
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfmln/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ...

... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfhk7/on_sunday_november_6th_usa_will_move_an_hour_back/
%
Did you hear about the Chinese godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn't understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfhhd/did_you_hear_about_the_chinese_godfather/
%
Did you know that every frog used to have at least some polish genes?

In fact, they were a tad-pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfg2y/did_you_know_that_every_frog_used_to_have_at/
%
I hate it when people call me racist...

When I'm not. I hate all races equally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfe5l/i_hate_it_when_people_call_me_racist/
%
Throwing acid is wrong...

...in some people’s eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfdxj/throwing_acid_is_wrong/
%
nudist camp for intellectuals

2 people at a nudist camp for intellectuals, one says to the other "have you read Marx?"
The 2nd say "yes, because of these wicker chairs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bfc3h/nudist_camp_for_intellectuals/
%
My boyfriend doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time I orgasm during sex. That's all I'm spending on him for Christmas.

So far, his roommate is getting a PS4. He's getting nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bf8v4/my_boyfriend_doesnt_know_this_but_i_put_a_dollar/
%
What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby?

I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bf8pe/whats_the_difference_between_a_trampoline_and_a/
%
A man is charged and sent to court, but nobody will tell him what he's been charged for.

He sits down and the judge starts with the legal proceedings. After he is finished, the man asks "What are you charging me for?!"
The judge gives him an odd look and continues with the court case. Once again the man exclaims "But judge, what am I being charged for?!"
The judge gives a slight, confused shake of the head and carries on talking. "I am sentencing you to 3 months in prison!"
Agitated now, the man cries out "What's the charge?!"
The judge loses his temper and shouts "There is no charge you idiot! Everything's free!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bf76o/a_man_is_charged_and_sent_to_court_but_nobody/
%
I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-wife's killer...

...but no one will do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bf50d/ive_spent_the_last_four_years_looking_for_my/
%
My wife wouldn't like ...

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.
" I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now " she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it."
After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?"
I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess"....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bf49p/my_wife_wouldnt_like/
%
A few years back I used to write jokes. I spent ages trying to make a boxing joke.

I just couldn't come up with a punch line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bf2lo/a_few_years_back_i_used_to_write_jokes_i_spent/
%
My job testing fizzy drinks is really getting to me...

It's soda grading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bf1ob/my_job_testing_fizzy_drinks_is_really_getting_to/
%
I really hate arguments about fractions.

They're divisive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bf089/i_really_hate_arguments_about_fractions/
%
I like my women like I like my bread....

Brown and with nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bf07x/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_bread/
%
What does an iPhone 7 and The Titanic have in common?

The end has no Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bexzr/what_does_an_iphone_7_and_the_titanic_have_in/
%
The police are looking for a racist attacker

I phoned them up, but apparently it's not a job offer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5beurt/the_police_are_looking_for_a_racist_attacker/
%
I love Mondays...

It's when I take my weekly sarcasm class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5betmm/i_love_mondays/
%
I just ordered a door bell on Amazon...

Shit, how am I gonna know when it gets here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5betk5/i_just_ordered_a_door_bell_on_amazon/
%
Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships

Which got me thinking,
Is it my wife or is it my girlfriend who is cheating?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5besio/statistics_say_that_13_of_people_cheat_in_their/
%
What's the pope's favorite power tool?

A cathedrill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bery3/whats_the_popes_favorite_power_tool/
%
What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear?

White vans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5beq0w/what_kind_of_shoes_do_pedophiles_wear/
%
Three moles are in a hole,

when one of them smells something.
The mole sticks his head up out of the hole and says,
"I smell pancakes!"
A second mole hears him and sticks his head out of the same hole and says,
"I smell pancakes too!"
The third mole scurries to investigate, but is stuck behind the other moles already in the entrance.
"All I smell is molasses!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bep1z/three_moles_are_in_a_hole/
%
Getting married in heaven

On their way to get married, a young Christian couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.They wonder if they could get married in heaven. When St. Peter showed up, they asked him if they can marry.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5beoru/getting_married_in_heaven/
%
A Jewish Grandmother and her Grandson are walking on the beach...

When a wave comes over the grandson and takes him under.  The grandmother falls to her knees and begs, "Oh God!  Please bring back my grandson!"
Another wave crashes, and the grandson is soaked, but otherwise unharmed.  The grandmother looks to the skies and says, "Where's his hat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5benl4/a_jewish_grandmother_and_her_grandson_are_walking/
%
What's in front of a woman and in the back of a cow?

The W.
Yeah my dad just busted this joke on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ben79/whats_in_front_of_a_woman_and_in_the_back_of_a_cow/
%
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bem3h/what_do_you_call_a_boomerang_that_doesnt_come_back/
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Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny was kicked out of Math class by his teacher.
Apparently, "mouthwash" wasn't the right answer for the question "what comes after 69?"
___________________________
In a job interview with an international NGO fighting for equal rights . Johnny  was asked how he views Lesbian relationships ?
He was kicked out.
Apparently "In Full HD" wasn't the right answer
__________________________
Teacher:- Complete the sentence. "If my cup is only half full..
Little Johnny:- "Maybe you need a smaller Bra !!
__________________________
During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,
"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?
Little Johnny raised his hand and replied,
"That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."
The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?"
Little Johnny countered by saying, "That's because girls get boobs, and they are heavier than the guys' balls."
Seems logical to me also. I dont know why was he thrown out.... !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5belsq/little_johnny_jokes/
%
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff...

BA-DUM-TSSSSS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bel1k/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
Driving today I kept seeing protest signs.

They all said "End Road Work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bekmm/driving_today_i_kept_seeing_protest_signs/
%
Did you hear about the bike race that goes all the way across Norway and Sweden?

It ends at the Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5beio8/did_you_hear_about_the_bike_race_that_goes_all/
%
My father looked at me over the dinner table as I chewed on a massive steak

"Aren't you going to eat anything else?"
He asked.
"Cavemen only ate meat, do you see any of them around?"
I looked up at him and replied.
"Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5begvq/my_father_looked_at_me_over_the_dinner_table_as_i/
%
A man is taking his family to his father's funeral...

.. He is talking with his wife as his two children sit in the backseat, the daughter fiddles with her phone charger while the son listens in.
"Honey, I don't know what I'm going to say in his eulogy."
"Well, you could make comparisons, say he was as strong as an ox."
"Yeah, that was just like him... Oh! He was like a rock, staying tough against whatever was thrown at him!" The husband added.
"You see, just think of things that that remind you of him."
"Ugh! Every time I pull the plug on my phone it dies!" The daughter yells.
The son finally speaks up. "Your phone's just like grandpa!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5begqu/a_man_is_taking_his_family_to_his_fathers_funeral/
%
I've been running around screaming at random people that I've lost my virginity.

I'm starting to regret naming my dog that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5befgs/ive_been_running_around_screaming_at_random/
%
Just burned 2000 calories while in bed.

That's the last time I take a nap while the brownies are in the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bedo2/just_burned_2000_calories_while_in_bed/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they...lactose...
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5beapr/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
What's the difference between testicles and a penis?

Wow.
I can't believe you don't know this.
There is a Vas Deferens between the two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5beajp/whats_the_difference_between_testicles_and_a_penis/
%
Two rednecks stumble out of a bar and see a dog, licking his nuts

The first redneck says,
"DAYUM! Doncha wish ya could do that, Earl?!"
The second redneck says,
"Yeah, but that dog would bite me sure as hell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5be9ry/two_rednecks_stumble_out_of_a_bar_and_see_a_dog/
%
My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish

she used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5be97p/my_exgirlfriend_had_a_really_weird_fetish/
%
What's Harry Potter's favourite way of getting down a hill?

Walking.
...
JK Rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5be97j/whats_harry_potters_favourite_way_of_getting_down/
%
Why do people never see an Apple store getting robbed?

It doesn't have windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5be92i/why_do_people_never_see_an_apple_store_getting/
%
My work had a bake sale today

We raised a lot of dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5be7tp/my_work_had_a_bake_sale_today/
%
A man walks into a bar.

The menu reads
>Burger: $5
>Hand job: $10
He slides a $10 bill to the female bartender and asks:
"Are you the girl who does the hand jobs?"
She responds with a smooth voice:
"Why yes I am"
The man then says:
"Then wash your hands, because I want two burgers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5be1rd/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
After the elections the new President goes to visit Russia...

... in order to foster good will.  As a traditional show of respect the Russians perform a 21-gun salute.  A few blocks away a little old babushka walking down the street is startled by the great noise and asks a young man passing by
"What is happening?  Is this the start of World War III?"
The young man laughs and answer "No, nothing like that.  The American President has come to Russia."
Satisfied with the answer the old woman continues on her way.  Moments later the second salvo of the 21-gun salute goes off.  Again startled, she asks a different young man
"What is happening?"
The young man says "Haven't you heard?  The American President has come to our country."
She nods knowingly and says "Ahh, they missed the first time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5be0eb/after_the_elections_the_new_president_goes_to/
%
Why don't Jewish guys give oral sex?

It's too close to the gas chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bdztw/why_dont_jewish_guys_give_oral_sex/
%
How to make your dreams come true?

Have a Stage 4 Cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bdxvx/how_to_make_your_dreams_come_true/
%
Have you heard the one about the sick chemist?

If you can't helium and you can't curium, you'll probably have to barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bdtd3/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_sick_chemist/
%
F(x) walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says "sorry, we don't cater for functions"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bdtc2/fx_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A lawyer goes to the bar

and finds that there's something funny about his bottle. He looks inside and cannot believe his eyes. Suddenly a genie pops out.
"aah" says the genie "that was a really good nap"
So the lawyer asks him if he's the magical sort of genie who gives out wishes. The genie explains that indeed he is but with a catch: whatever the lawyer asks for, every other lawyer in the world gets double of.
The lawyer, being the selfish fellow he is, almost leaves without making any wishes. But finally he decides that he might as well give it a shot. So first the lawyer says that he's always wanted a Ferrari and in not half a second his brand new Ferrari appears in the parking lot and the genie hands him the key. So now every lawyer in the world has two Ferarris.
Then the lawyer thinks about what else he might want but realizes that he has a meeting in just 5 minutes so he asks for ten million dollars. And in not half a second a silver suitcase containing ten million dollars with crisp hundred dollar bills appears before his eyes.
The lawyer still can't get over the fact that every other lawyer now has TWENTY million dollars. So then the genie says, what is your third wish?
So the lawyer thinks for a while and he finally says
You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bdsgt/a_lawyer_goes_to_the_bar/
%
My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bdr5z/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
%
Two brothers have lived together forever...

The lived in a rural area next to a small town; neither of them either married. One brother went out every day and the other always sat home and listened to the radio. Day after day, every time the brother who went out came home with news and his brother always replied, "I know it,"
One day, the first brother was out and a huge car accident occurred right in front of him. He rushed home thinking, "Surely I can get home before this news hits the radio," but when he started to tell his brother the news the reply was the same, "I know it." He replied, "In a pig's ass you do!" But his brother simply stated, "I heard it on the radio."
The first brother when out again, determined to get a news scoop and run home before it made it onto the radio. He was standing outside the bank and saw a pair of armed robbers fleeing with bags of money. He rushed home, certain he'd be able to break the news. He shouted, "You'll never guess what just happened... the bank was robbed,"
"I know it..."
He replied, "In a pig's ass you do!" But his brother simply stated, "I heard it on the radio."
"Fuck! That's it! I am going out to bring home some news!" The first brother left and spent the day watching for something he could surprise his brother with before the radio broke the news. At the end of the day, exhausted and frustrated, he gave up and started home. He looked out into a field and saw a large pig stuck in a fence. He walked over and notice the pig couldn't move at all. He thought, I'm still a virgin, if I lost my virginity, that would be something I could tell my brother. He proceeded to drop his pants, position himself behind the pig and fuck it in the ass. It was over in a few seconds and he cleaned up and headed home.
When he arrived home, he burst through the door and shouted at his brother, "You'll never believe it! I had sex!" His brother shouted out in disbelief, "Ya right! In a pig's ass you did!"
The first brother shouted, "THAT FUCKING RADIO!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bdqaj/two_brothers_have_lived_together_forever/
%
My dad made this joke after finding out he needed surgery for potential rectal cancer.

Well at least no one can call me a complete asshole anymore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bdof9/my_dad_made_this_joke_after_finding_out_he_needed/
%
A man goes to a $10 hooker and gets crabs

He calls her out on it, and she replies, "I was only $10. What did you expect, lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bdj99/a_man_goes_to_a_10_hooker_and_gets_crabs/
%
Why did Jon Snow go to The Apple Store?

For the Watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bd92d/why_did_jon_snow_go_to_the_apple_store/
%
What do you call a tweaker (meth addict) who goes to church?

A Crystal Methodist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bd8k5/what_do_you_call_a_tweaker_meth_addict_who_goes/
%
Two plates go into a resteraunt

One plate says to the other, " Don't worry I'll pay for the meal." The other plate replies, " No dinner is on me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bd5ud/two_plates_go_into_a_resteraunt/
%
My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.

So I can get a better girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bd5eh/my_girlfriend_makes_me_want_to_become_a_better/
%
My girlfriend doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. That's all I'm spending on her for Christmas.

So far, she's only getting a McChicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bd5e1/my_girlfriend_doesnt_know_this_but_i_put_a_dollar/
%
How do men in New Zealand address their women?

"Hey! Ewe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bd3pj/how_do_men_in_new_zealand_address_their_women/
%
A man and his son were at the grocery store today...

They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,
Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!
Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?
The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,
Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."
I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bd3ev/a_man_and_his_son_were_at_the_grocery_store_today/
%
What do you call a hillbilly giraffe that lives in a trailer and drinks beer all day?

A rednnnnnneeeeeeeccccccccckkkkkk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bczut/what_do_you_call_a_hillbilly_giraffe_that_lives/
%
Me: "Words can't describe how perfect you are." Her: "Aww thank you!"...

Me: "But numbers can! 3/10"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bcucg/me_words_cant_describe_how_perfect_you_are_her/
%
What's the difference between origami and a grandpa passing wind?

One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bcsky/whats_the_difference_between_origami_and_a/
%
Where's the best place to hide after committing a murder?

Behind a badge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bcqij/wheres_the_best_place_to_hide_after_committing_a/
%
How many North Koreans does it take to change a light bulb?

One, only **Glorious Leader** gets access to light bulbs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bcqc6/how_many_north_koreans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
There was a Spanish magician...

And he was performing for a crowd. He told the crowd that he would dissapear into thin air. So he counted:
UNO!
DOS!
And he dissapeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bcmok/there_was_a_spanish_magician/
%
Why are feminists bad cashiers?

They can't make change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bchi3/why_are_feminists_bad_cashiers/
%
A man was asking a woman's father for her hand in marriage

The woman's father agreed but only on the condition that the man had never laid with another woman before.
"I have never sir." Responded that man
"Do you swear it?" Asked the father
The man responded "Yes sir, I swear it on both my children!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bchey/a_man_was_asking_a_womans_father_for_her_hand_in/
%
I still remember my Grandfather's last ever joke...

He said to me before he passed 'Quick! Get my medicine!'
But, I didn't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bcg49/i_still_remember_my_grandfathers_last_ever_joke/
%
I was going to post my best Madeline McCann joke

but my parents would kill me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bceuy/i_was_going_to_post_my_best_madeline_mccann_joke/
%
What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?

Molasses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bcdw6/what_do_you_call_6021023_butts/
%
Church Bells

This is an old joke,read it from a joke book long back.Found it on the internet again,here you go.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bcbyz/church_bells/
%
Shortest joke I know.

Dwarf shortage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bcbik/shortest_joke_i_know/
%
Here's one I heard from my religious mother

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bcaa7/heres_one_i_heard_from_my_religious_mother/
%
What do blacks and apples have in common?

If they're not being sold on a farm they're hanging from a tree.
Da ho, no I didnt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bc893/what_do_blacks_and_apples_have_in_common/
%
I was at Ihop the other day...

and there was a one-legged girl named Eileen working there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bc6ev/i_was_at_ihop_the_other_day/
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What's the difference between a clever midget and an STD?

One is a cunning runt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bc3uh/whats_the_difference_between_a_clever_midget_and/
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What's the difference between kindergarteners and /r/Jokes?

Kindergarteners are creative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bc1q0/whats_the_difference_between_kindergarteners_and/
%
We have one of the recalled Samsung washers. But, don't feel sorry for us...

We're going to have a blast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bc0g1/we_have_one_of_the_recalled_samsung_washers_but/
%
[Long] A woman walks up to an ice cream shop...

She asks the man running the shop for 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream in a waffle cone.
The man replied, "I'm sorry, but the freezer where we kept all the chocolate ice cream broke, so we don't have any kind of chocolate ice cream in the shop. Can we get you anything else?"
The woman thought for a moment and said, "That's a shame. I guess I'll have a bowl of German chocolate ice cream."
"I'm sorry, as I've explained, we don't have any kind of chocolate ice cream, which includes German chocolate. Would you like anything else?"
The woman thought again, and said "In that case, I would like a small soft served chocolate ice cream in a cake cone."
The man, slightly agitated, said, "I've explained this twice now, there is no chocolate ice cream. Please order something else."
The woman looked at the menu, and her face lit up. "I'll have a chocolate ice cream sunday!"
The man wasn't happy. He told her, "Ok, I'll get you your order, but you have to do me a favor. Spell van, it stand for vanilla.
"V-A-N."
"Now spell straw, it stands for strawberry," said the man.
"S-T-R-A-W."
"Now spell fuck, it stands for chocolate."
"Wait," said the woman, "there's no fuck in chocolate."
"Glad you finally understand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bc022/long_a_woman_walks_up_to_an_ice_cream_shop/
%
I PISSED OFF MY NEIGHBOR ONCE AGAIN!!!

She said she could see me masturbating through the window..
I told her if she would buy some blinds, I wouldn't be standing outside her window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbxdf/i_pissed_off_my_neighbor_once_again/
%
I finally found my wife's G-spot!

Who would have thought her sister had it the whole time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbwom/i_finally_found_my_wifes_gspot/
%
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbwa3/why_do_programmers_always_mix_up_halloween_and/
%
I asked my North-Korean friend how it was there...

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbuqn/i_asked_my_northkorean_friend_how_it_was_there/
%
I'm organising an charity...

...event in my town next weekend , we're gonna be in the Community Centre from 1 - 5 pm. There's gonna be a raffle & guest speaker & all the proceeds are in the name of erectile/ ejaculation dysfunction syndrome.
So please let me know if you cant come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbss9/im_organising_an_charity/
%
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He didn't wrap his Whopper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbsj7/how_did_burger_king_get_dairy_queen_pregnant/
%
Never understood the point of black friday

Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbq2o/never_understood_the_point_of_black_friday/
%
I was going to make a gay joke...

Butt fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbnyl/i_was_going_to_make_a_gay_joke/
%
I got in touch with my inner self once...

Never buying single ply toilet paper again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbnub/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_once/
%
There are 10 kinds of people in the world

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbncw/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
%
Why is proctology called proctology?

Because analogy was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbmz6/why_is_proctology_called_proctology/
%
My gf broke up with me. She thinks that I am childish...

So, I calmed down, took a deep breath, went to her house, rang the doorbell and ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbmli/my_gf_broke_up_with_me_she_thinks_that_i_am/
%
A teacher is giving her class a lesson on the alphabet

and asks the class "Can anyone give me a word that starts with the letter A?"
Little Johnny shouts up from the back "Asshole!"
The teacher sighs and says "Now little Johnny, you can't use that sort of language. Does anyone know a word that begins with B?"
Little Johnny immediately pipes up with "Bastard!"
Again the teacher sighs "Johnny, please don't use that language." She thinks for a second and decides that it would be best to skip C because she's pretty certain which C word he'll use. "Can anyone give me a word that starts with D?"
Little Johnny shouts out "Dwarf!"
The teacher finally happy that he's answered a question without swearing says "Very good little Johnny, and what's a dwarf?"
Little Johnny replies "A little cunt about 4 foot high!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bblwk/a_teacher_is_giving_her_class_a_lesson_on_the/
%
Lost my watch at a party once..

A little while later I saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbhbx/lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
%
What did pirate say when he turned 80?

AYE MATEY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbh3l/what_did_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.

Rome was pretty lit at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbgz9/you_know_i_really_liked_the_rule_of_nero/
%
An Indian dies and goes to hell.

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbeqy/an_indian_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
What happens when a cow jumps over barbed wire?

Udder destruction!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbept/what_happens_when_a_cow_jumps_over_barbed_wire/
%
At the elderly home:

A journalist had arrived to the elderly home to interview some of the people living there.
He started out by asking 92 year old Mary a few questions.
As he was about to finish off the interview he threw in an additional question, "So Mary, how long has it been since you were sexually active?"
Mary thought about it for a few seconds, and then answered "1945".
The journalist thoughtlessly responded" Wow, that's REALLY long ago"!
Mary looked perplexed as she said "Not really, it's only eight a clock now".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbcoc/at_the_elderly_home/
%
Why does Beyoncé sing "To the left, to the left"?

Because black people have no rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bbals/why_does_beyoncé_sing_to_the_left_to_the_left/
%
My granddad's favourite joke

What time is it when the elephant sits on the fence?
Time to get a new fence...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bb9bi/my_granddads_favourite_joke/
%
Why did the US citizen cross the road?

To cross the border into Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bb7e0/why_did_the_us_citizen_cross_the_road/
%
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

I dont know, hes still trying to kick it open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bb682/what_did_the_kid_with_no_arms_get_for_christmas/
%
A man in his backyard...

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"
To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."
The man asks,"Jesus, why is life so hard?"
To which Jesus replies,"That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."
The man asks again,"How was the universe created?"
Jesus replies,"I'm sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bb63s/a_man_in_his_backyard/
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There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea.

One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint.
They collide...
All the survivors were marooned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bb5uf/there_are_two_boats_tankers_about_to_collide_at/
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A Texan cowboy was walking down the road

When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"
"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied
"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.
"Yes ma'am I am."
"The kind who ties up those calves and brands them?" She inquired
"Yes ma'am I am"
Obviously displeased she scowled at him and said "Well you ought to be hung!"
The cowboy smiled and replied,
"Yes ma'am I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bb42p/a_texan_cowboy_was_walking_down_the_road/
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I'd like to die in my sleep like my grandpa

Comfortably, unlike the rest of the people in his car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bb2bl/id_like_to_die_in_my_sleep_like_my_grandpa/
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Me: "If only the man upstairs could have blessed you with brains as well as beauty."

Wife: "Why the hell is there a man upstairs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bavnt/me_if_only_the_man_upstairs_could_have_blessed/
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Are we heading in the right direction, Yoda?

- "Off-course we are"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bav6e/are_we_heading_in_the_right_direction_yoda/
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I hate it when I'm at someone's house and they keep asking stupid questions like...

"Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5baubd/i_hate_it_when_im_at_someones_house_and_they_keep/
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Indian student's first day in US School

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: Chandrasekhar :- 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.
'Very good! Teacher :- Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar:- . 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5baoqn/indian_students_first_day_in_us_school/
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How do you count cows?

with a cowculator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5banj0/how_do_you_count_cows/
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What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"
-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bal0q/what_is_matthew_mcconaughey_least_favorite_part/
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What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5badej/whats_the_best_part_about_sex_with_28yearolds/
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Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten.

"1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5bac90/bill_gates_teaches_a_kindergarten_class_to_count/
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[LONG] A Police Officer pulls up on the scene of a horrible accident...

A van went off the road and crashed into a tree.  Expecting the worst, the officer looks inside and finds a man and woman dead. All of a sudden, he hears a monkey that was inside of the vehicle as well.
Surprised, the Officer exclaims, "What the hell is going on here?!"
*Reacting, the monkey puts his fingers to his mouth like he's smoking a joint.*
Stunned, the Officer says, "You mean they were doing drugs?!"
*The monkey critters rapidly and pretends to be drinking.*
"They were drinking too?!"
*Again, the monkey responds, this time thrusting his hips back and forths.*
"THEY WERE HAVING SEX?!"
"Well what the hell were you doing all this time?!"
*The monkey imitates driving a car.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ba8xp/long_a_police_officer_pulls_up_on_the_scene_of_a/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his zipper...

He sets up at the bar and orders a drink. The bar tender says, "whooaa whoaaa, before I serve you a drink, whats up with the steering wheel coming out of your zipper?" The pirate just says, "yaarrg its drivin' me nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ba8rw/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a crying baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if it's yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ba8ph/i_asked_to_switch_seats_on_a_plane_because_i_was/
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Sticking with the theme of racist NSFW jokes

A white Alabama detective gets called out to a crime scene on the side of a dirt road. There is a black man lying dead with 15 bullet holes all over his body. After 1 minute of intense thought the detective speaks up and says, ok I think this one is pretty obvious we can all go home fellas.
This is the worst case of suicide I have ever seen.
The next week the same detective gets called out the a crime scene on the shore of the local lake where they have fished out a dead black man wrapped up in chains. The as the detective walks up the the group of cops standing around body the detective leans in says,
"sad isn't it, but isn't it just like a dumb n****** to steal more chain than he can swim with."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ba5a7/sticking_with_the_theme_of_racist_nsfw_jokes/
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What did the poor composer say to his friend?

I am baroque, can you lend me some money?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ba41l/what_did_the_poor_composer_say_to_his_friend/
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3 Guys Die And Go To The Pearly Gates

St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate and said, "However faithful you were to your wife, that will determine the vehicle you will get in heaven" as he pointed to another shining gate many miles in the distance.
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife; she was the love of my life and I told her every day. ". St. Peter smiled and handed him the keys to a brand spanking new Ferrari.
The next man stepped forward and said, "I cheated on my wife just once. It was the biggest regret of my life, and I still love her." Saint Peter looks at the man and finally decides, that he is worthy of a late model Honda Civic.
The third man comes up and says, " I screwed everything I saw. every weekend I was in a different bed, and I wasn't once faithful to my wife." St. Peter looks the man up and down, and gives him a bicycle with a flat tire.
The next day, the man with the bicycle was riding along and he sees the man with the Ferrari, pulled over, and sobbing next to his car.
He asks, "Why are you here crying when you could be in heaven already?!" The man stopped sobbing, momentarily and says, "Because I just passed my wife 5 minutes ago. She was walking in 4 inch heels!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ba2jh/3_guys_die_and_go_to_the_pearly_gates/
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The Best Actually Racist Joke I know

*I hate myself for repeating this. But I heard this when I was living in Texas.*
Two rednecks are admiring their firearms. One says, “I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights.” The second says, “I just like shooting cans.”
“That‘s a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.”
“Well, there’s so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ba0fc/the_best_actually_racist_joke_i_know/
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A rare German Joke, behold!

Requirements: Knowledge that Freudenhaus (brothel) literally translates 'House of Joy' (TYL)
Small Fritzl and his dad are shopping in the city when they pass the Red light of a Freudenhaus. The Son asks 'Dad what are the selling there?' sheepishly the Father answers 'This is a Freudenhaus, a place where they sell joy'. Content with the answer the boy follow the father on his shopping errands.
Later that day the father realizes the boy is slowing him down so much he will never finish the shopping on time, so he gives him some money and sends him to the cinema.
Young Fritzl of course decides to instead visit that fabled place of joy. As he enters he is approached by the Madame intend to usher him out 'Hey little man what do you think you are you doing in here?' -'I am looking to buy joy for 20€!' Fritzl proudly answers.
20 bucks being 20 bucks the Madame leads Fritzl to the kitchen and prepares him five jam buttys and sends him on his way looking quite pleased.
Later his Dad asks 'So son, what did you do while I was shopping?'
-' I went to the Freudenhaus!'
perplexed the Father had to ask 'and what did you do there?'
-'Well the first three I finished no problem but the last two I could only lick'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b9zcv/a_rare_german_joke_behold/
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An elderly man shuffles into a chemist and asks for viagra

'No problem', says the pharmacist. 'How much do you want?' 'just four,' replies the old geezer. 'But could you cut them into smaller pieces? I'm not interested in sex. I just want to be able to piss without hitting my slippers.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b9w2r/an_elderly_man_shuffles_into_a_chemist_and_asks/
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Some people have 32 teeth, others have 10.

It's simple meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b9w0d/some_people_have_32_teeth_others_have_10/
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Life support issues

Last night I was in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the connections that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.'
My wife got up from the sofa and proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV, DVD, the laptop, and the Xbox. Then she went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, Gin, Vodka the Beer from the fridge.
I think I need to be more clear and specific in my communication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b9t0l/life_support_issues/
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50 of the LEAST offensive jokes I know

1. What's a pirate's favorite letter? "**Arrrr!**" "No. Ya'd think so, but me first love be the C"
1. Why wasn't 6 excited that 7, her boyfriend, won her a prize at the fair? Because 711492.
1. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
1. Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Fo' drizzle
1. What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? Your funding pulled and a visit from the ethics committee.
1. My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that but it's also terrible.
1. What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog salesman? "Make me one with everything"
1. What has four wheels and is green? Grass, i was just kidding about the wheels
1. What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
1. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
1. Why is the ocean blue? Because all the little fishies in the ocean are going bloo bloo bloo!
1. How do you think the unthinkable? With an "itheberg".
1. A man walks into a bar. **Ouchie**!
1. Why is it when geese fly in a V, sometimes one side is longer than the other? There's more geese on that side.
1. What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
1. Why do you always put a baby in the blender feet first? So you can look into its eyes while you cum.
1. What's brown and sticky? A stick.
1. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat.
1. Two monkeys are having a bath. One monkey says "ooh ooh ooh ooh AAAH AAAH AAAH!" The other says "Put some cold in, then"
1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
1. Why are moon rocks better to eat than Earth rocks?
Because, they're a little meteor.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
1. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"  Well, "It's Not Unusual."
1. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
1. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"
1. What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
1. There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!
1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
1. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
1. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
1. How does a Mexican cut their pizza? With little caesar's.
1. Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff Ba dum tsss
1. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator!
1. Why do penguins walk softly? 'cause they can't hardly walk!
1. What's big, grey, and doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
1. Soldier, I didn't see you at the camouflage training this morning" "Thank you sir!"
1. What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto!
1. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? "Where's my tractor?"
1. What do you call an antelope that never succeeds? A Cantaloupe.
1. Trees worry me. I'm not sure why, they just always seemed shady to me.
1. How many bricks do you have after one falls off a plane? 499.
1. What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a freezer? Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.
1. What are the four steps to putting a Hippo in a freezer? Open the door, take the elephant out, put the hippo in, close the door.
1. The king of Lions is throwing a party for all of the animals. Which doesn't make it? The hippo. It's in a freezer.
1. Little Mary crosses an alligator infested river, and gets across unharmed. How? The alligators are at the party.
1. Little Mary gets across and dies. Why? She got hit in the head with a brick.
1. What do you call a dog with no ears? I don't care what you call it, it ain't coming to ya.
1. A father tells his son "Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," The son is astounded "Are you kidding? Really?" "Yup." Says the father. "Get ready, They'll be picking you up in about an hour."
1. I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. It's seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b9r7z/50_of_the_least_offensive_jokes_i_know/
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Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
So as they are doing the deed and the girl is saying "Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato!" Then the younger brother says, "Hey, can you two stop making sandwiches? I just got mayonnaise on my face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b9pop/lettuce_tomato/
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I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on..

.. the suspension is killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b9nc6/i_really_wish_i_knew_who_kicked_the_jack_under/
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A joke my grandma told me before she passed.

So a classroom teacher was giving candy to all the students. While doing this she was having them all guess what flavor the candy was.
After giving the first piece to the whole class she asks the class what flavor it was. They all said grape
The next flavor was guessed to be orange and the flavor after that cherry.
She gives out a final piece of candy to all the students. but no one can guess what flavor it is. The flavor being Honey she gives the class a hint "It's what your mommy sometimes calls your daddy"
After thinking for a bit the boy in the back screams "Spit it out, it's asshole"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b9nap/a_joke_my_grandma_told_me_before_she_passed/
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Baby, I wish I were DNA helicase...

...so I could unzip your genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b9lbu/baby_i_wish_i_were_dna_helicase/
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John Deere's manure spreader...

...is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b9dgh/john_deeres_manure_spreader/
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A man was seated next to a kid on an aeroplane

The man turned to the kid and said, "Let's talk."
Kid: "OK, what shall we talk about?"
Man: "How about nuclear power?"
Kid: That's an interesting topic but first let me ask you a question. Horse, cow, and deer all eat grass yet the deer excretes pellets, the cow excretes a flat slop and the horse excretes clumps. Why is his?
Man: I don't know.
Kid: Do you really feel qualified to talk about nuclear power when you don't know shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b9awm/a_man_was_seated_next_to_a_kid_on_an_aeroplane/
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Why is Friday the best day of the week?

Its the 5/7 day of the week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b97wp/why_is_friday_the_best_day_of_the_week/
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Did to hear about the guy who pretended to wash his hair with excrement?

It was actually sham-poo.
*thunderous applause*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b97wg/did_to_hear_about_the_guy_who_pretended_to_wash/
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Australians don't have any problems with gender pronouns...

Because we call everyone cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b95j3/australians_dont_have_any_problems_with_gender/
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My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b938g/my_exgirlfriend_is_standing_at_the_opposite_end/
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Masturbate & Blowjob

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b90qw/masturbate_blowjob/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who got his calculator stuck up his bum?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b8y21/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_got_his/
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The other side...

A man on one side of a river shouts to a man standing on the other side, “Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?”
The other man responds, “You are on the other side of the river.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b8xfs/the_other_side/
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Give a boy a fish, he eats for a day.

Give Albert Fish a boy, he eats for a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b8v7y/give_a_boy_a_fish_he_eats_for_a_day/
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What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew?

Boy Scouts come back from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b8sao/whats_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a_jew/
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I've stood up for black people plenty of times...

Not worth getting shot over a seat on the subway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b8ro6/ive_stood_up_for_black_people_plenty_of_times/
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Why is there no gambling in Africa?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b8qrl/why_is_there_no_gambling_in_africa/
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What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?

Roberto!
You call him Roberto....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b8o3x/what_do_you_call_an_argentinian_with_a_rubber_toe/
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Voodoo Dick

This businessman is going away on a trip for 2 weeks, and he doesn't want his wife to get lonely and mess around while he's gone, so he stops by the adult outlet in town. He looks around and sees lots of dildos, sex dolls, vibrators and etc, but nothing that would keep his wife occupied for 3 weeks. So he asks the store owner, and though at first the owner says there is nothing there that would keep a person satisfied for that long, after some badgering, he finally pulls a black box with a gold clasp from underneath the counter--all the while assuring the newlywed that it's not for sale, being a family heirloom and of priceless sentimental value. He opens the box, and inside is an apparently normal dildo. The newlywed guy is unimpressed, but the clerk interrupts. "Let me demonstrate," he says. He looks at the box and says "Voodoo Dick--The Door!" and the voodoo dick jumps into the air, floats over to the door, and starts going at the keyhole like crazy, pounding away until the door begins to crack down the center. Finally, the clerk says "Voodoo Dick--The Box!" and the voodoo dick flies back into the box. With some difficulty, the guy convinces the clerk to sell it for $50,000. When he arrives home, he gives his wife the box and says "Just open it and say, 'voodoo dick, my pussy' if you ever get horny, all right?" So he leaves on his business trip, and by the third day, the wife is getting pretty horny. So she opens the box and says "Voodoo dick, my pussy," thinking the whole thing rather ridiculous. After about 20 minutes, she has had several orgasms and is starting to get tired, so she tries to pull the voodoo dick out. Apparently, her husband had forgotten to tell her how to get it back in the box. Panicking, she puts on a dress and starts driving to the hospital. About half way there, the voodoo dick is pumping away at her, and she starts  orgasming, and so she begins to swerve out of her lane. A police officer happens to be behind her, and pulls her over. As the cop stands at the window, she is sweating and her face is blushed, and she's squirming all over as the voodoo dick goes at her. The cop looks at her for a second and says, "Lady, how many drinks have you had tonight?" She says quickly "Officer, I swear I haven't had anything to drink! There's this voodoo dick going at my pussy and I can't make it stop! I'm on the way to the hospital to have it removed!" The officer thinks about it for a second, gives her a smirk and says "Voodoo Dick my ass, lady."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b8lj4/voodoo_dick/
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What did Cinderalla do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b8hjk/what_did_cinderalla_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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I drool as I watch the gyro meat getting sliced off the stick for my wrap...

... then I wonder - is that how vegans feel when they watch someone mowing the lawn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b8gv1/i_drool_as_i_watch_the_gyro_meat_getting_sliced/
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A zebra at Heaven's gates

A zebra dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching Heaven's gates the guard says, "Welcome, child of God."
The zebra responds by asking, "Can I ask God a question?"
The angel, baffled, says, "What is your question?"
"Well, I want to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes."
"That is good question indeed. Let me know what he says."
Next thing you know, the zebra is standing before God. "God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"
"You are what you are." The zebra was back in front of the angel as God finished speaking.
"So, what did God say?"
"He said 'you are what you are' so obviously I am white with black stripes."
"How do you know that?"
"Because if I was black, he would have said you is what you is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b8bwe/a_zebra_at_heavens_gates/
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What do you call a joke with no punchline?

Ba-dum-tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b8aev/what_do_you_call_a_joke_with_no_punchline/
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50 of the least offensive jokes I know.

1. When does a car stop being a car? When it's driving down the road and turns into a driveway.
2. What do you get when you cross a brown chicken and a brown cow? Brownchickenbrowncow. *Edited to lower offense levels*
3. Why do Programmers wear costumes on Christmas? Because DEC 25 is OCT 31. *Edited to lower offense levels*
4. How do you throw a party in space? You planet.
5. Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies.
6. How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? At least two.
7. What happens when snails get in a fight? They slug it out.
8. What do you call a low pitched growl from a dog? A subwoofer.
9. What's the range on a tuba? About 8 feet, with a good arm.
10. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
11. Why couldn't the action movie hero get off his flight? Because there's no time to ex-plane!
12. Why can't Luke ever surprise Vader with birthday gifts? Because Vader can sense his presents in the force.
13. What kind of overalls does Mario wear? Denim denim denim.
14. What do you call a short-statured psychic jailbird? A small medium at large.
15. What do you call it when a bird mimics a Weird Al song? A parroty.
16. What's a pirates favorite letter? The C!
17. How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
18. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
19. Why was the skeleton afraid of the haunted house? He didn't have any guts.
20. What's the biggest difference between your dirty laundry and your clean laundry? Your clean laundry has less socks.
21. What did Ryu say when Ken asked to borrow a jacket? "Shoryuken."
22. Which street tastes the best? Rocky road.
23. Why can't the fisherman get any sleep? Because of all the whaling.
24. What do vegan zombies crave? Graaaaaains.
25. You may think it's funny, to kiss your honey, when her nose is runny, but it'snot!
26. What do you get when you put adderall into the gas tank of a Ford Fiesta? A Ford Focus.
27. Why aren't there many casinos in the savannah? To many cheetahs.
28. What's a Greek philosophers' favorite childhood toy? Play-to.
29. What's the tastiest country? Turkey.
30. Why shouldn't you let your pokemon in the bathroom while you shower? They might Pikachu.
31. What's the easiest way to get the King and Queen in your pocket? Buy a pack of cards.
32. What do you call a man hiding in your mailbox? Bill.
33. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
34. What time is busiest at the dentist? 2:30 (tooth hurty)
35. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
36. A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Why the long face?"
37. What do you say to a slow tomato? Ketchup!
38. How do you get to the part of Hogwarts that Harry Potter grew up in? Through the Griffin door.
39. Where did the Sultan do his banking, before Aladdin came along? Wells Jafargo.
40. John Paul Sarte goes to a cafe and orders "one coffee, no milk please". The waitress returns shortly and says "I'm sorry sir, it looks like we're fresh out of milk. Would you take your coffee with no cream instead?"
41. Einstein, Pascal, Da Vinci and Newton get together for a game of Hide and Seek. Einstein is It, and begins counting down. Leonardo hurries up into a tree. Pascal runs behind a bush. Newton, however, draws a square on the ground in chalk, right behind Einstein, and sits down in it. When Einstein reaches zero, he announces "Ready or not, here I come!" Then turns around and says "Ah! That was too easy, you barely hid at all. You're out, I found you, Newton." To which Newton responds "Oh did you now? By my reckoning, one Newton per square meter is a Pascal!"
42. An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar. The first says "I'd like a beer please!" The second says "I'd like half a beer, please!" The third says "I'd like a quarter of a beer, please!" The fourth says "I'd like an eighth of a beer, please!" Finally, getting frustrated, the bartender pours two beers and says "You all need to learn your limits."
43. A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't you go starting anything."
44. A zen buddhist goes to a hotdog truck and says "Please, make me one with everything."
45. Did you hear about the man who was run over after falling asleep in the middle of the road? He was two tired.
46. Why is Charlie Brown always broke? Because he works for Peanuts.
47. What do you get when Dracula bites a pig? A hampire.
48. What is red and tastes like blue paint? Red paint.
49. Why did the Moon skip dessert? It was full.
50. Two str() walk into a bar. The first says "Gimme a beer!Excuse him, he's not null terminated." The second says "Excuse him, he's not null terminated."
*I thought coming up with 50 inoffensive jokes off the top of my head would be easy. I was quite wrong, this took a long time. I didn't look any of these up, but quite a few are featured in this sub pretty often. I'm ashamed to admit I wrote a couple of the really awful ones up there too. And there are a couple in there that are borderline offensive, but I'm tapped out.*
*Edit: I'm very very sorry for everyone who was offended by the joke about redditors or the (poorly typed) joke about Seattle weather. Those holes have been removed, and a committee has been formed to fully document the impact of such hurtful jokes. I hope that the replacement jokes are less controversial. If you have any further offense to air, please direct it to this post's new Offense Management System at InoffensiveJokesComplaint@reddit.com. I'm sure all complaints will be appropriately managed.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b884r/50_of_the_least_offensive_jokes_i_know/
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A kid walks into a bar.

He walks up to the bartender and orders a shot of whisky. As soon as the shot touches the bar the kid  downs it and orders a second shot.
The bar tender sets the whisky down on the bar and just as he did before the kid downs it.
The bar tender looks at the kid and asks  "Are you celebrating something?"
The kid looks at the bartender and replies "Yes sir my first blowjob!"
The bartender   proceeds to grab a bottle of top shelf whisky pours the kid a shot and tells him it's on the house.
The kid slams down the shot just as he had the first two.
"What do you think about that whisky?" Asks the bartender.
The kid looks at him and says "If that doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b8695/a_kid_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?

A Klondike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b855e/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_eskimo/
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Swearing pianist

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".
"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano."
"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"
"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...
"Where's that bloody pianist?"
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:
"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".
"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b80u0/swearing_pianist/
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What do you call a statue holding some Mouthwash?

A gargoyle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7yr5/what_do_you_call_a_statue_holding_some_mouthwash/
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What's black and white that small children no longer need worry about?

Michael Jackson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7wu6/whats_black_and_white_that_small_children_no/
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Whenever you go to do something, bring a hammer and a screwdriver...

the first time it doesn't work, hit it with a hammer. If it doesn't work after that, screw it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7uf4/whenever_you_go_to_do_something_bring_a_hammer/
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Whats so good about german cars?

They get from Berlin to Warsaw in one tank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7spq/whats_so_good_about_german_cars/
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Anyone know any good HP Lovecraft jokes?

I only know a few Old Ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7r9l/anyone_know_any_good_hp_lovecraft_jokes/
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Three little ducks walk into a bar...

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
The little duck fluttered her eyelids and said "no, my name is puddles"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7q5n/three_little_ducks_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call an inexperienced Egyptian God?

Anoobis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7pyc/what_do_you_call_an_inexperienced_egyptian_god/
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What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scalar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7m7o/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mosquito_with_a/
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NASA sends Blonde to space.

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two monkeys and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first monkey and asks, "Monkey #1, do you know your mission?"
The monkey replies, "ooah ooah!. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. ooah ooah!"
Then NASA Control asks the second monkey, "Monkey #2, do you know your mission?"
The second monkey replies, "ooah ooah! Once Monkey #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. ooah ooah!"
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"
The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the monkeys - and DON'T TOUCH A THING!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7lh7/nasa_sends_blonde_to_space/
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Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7lh5/before_you_judge_someone_walk_a_mile_in_their/
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I had phone sex with my boyfriend over a walkie-talkie.

I could hear him coming from a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7jzj/i_had_phone_sex_with_my_boyfriend_over_a/
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What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey team?

A hockey team takes a shower after three periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7ine/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippie_chick_and_a/
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How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?

There, they're, their...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7faj/how_do_you_comfort_a_grammar_fanatic/
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What's the difference between a Japanese person and a cannibal?

One eats Ramen, the other eats Raw Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7e08/whats_the_difference_between_a_japanese_person/
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I like my women like I like my dragons...

Jealous, naked, and atop a bunch of gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7dzu/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_dragons/
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Did you hear about the Roman who got a C in Math?

He got a perfect score!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7dn6/did_you_hear_about_the_roman_who_got_a_c_in_math/
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Why are there so few gay comedians?

It's hard for them to keep a straight face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b7d9q/why_are_there_so_few_gay_comedians/
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A bear walked into a bar...

A bear walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "What can I get for you?"
The bear replied "I'll have a gin....... and tonic"
The bartender said "OK, but what's with the pause?"
The bear said "I was born with them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b79dc/a_bear_walked_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b767y/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_guys_sitting_on/
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Cash or credit?

Did you just assume my tender??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b74uc/cash_or_credit/
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Two friends at the gym

Two friends meet at the gym and are going to take a shower.
One of them notices that the other is wearing women's panties.
-Panties? what the fuck Tim?
What? It's the latest trend!
-Really? And when did that trend started?
When my wife found a pair in the backseat of my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b6xu9/two_friends_at_the_gym/
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I just burned 2000 calories!

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven and take a nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b6ukq/i_just_burned_2000_calories/
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An old blonde joke I was told years ago.

A blond driving down a rural road sees a wheat field and notices something strange, another blonde that appears to be swimming.
She pulls over, stands at the field and yells, "Excuse me what are you doing?".  The other one replies, "I heard about the these amber waves of grain in a song and wanted to see if they were like ocean waves".
The one blond shakes her head angrily, "I should whip your ass!".  The blonde in the field says, "Excuse me?".  "You heard me, it's blondes like you that gives blondes like me a bad name!  You're lucky let me tell, because if I could swim I'd come out there a kick your ass!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b6rs2/an_old_blonde_joke_i_was_told_years_ago/
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Little Larry

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Larry's whore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b6r8t/little_larry/
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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"This is not working. I'm going to my mom's house."
I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold.
What the hell is she talking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b6r5d/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_fridge/
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I made a joke about candy today...

... it made me snicker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b6qy5/i_made_a_joke_about_candy_today/
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Did you guys read about the fence that got knocked over this morning?

Dont worry, it'll probably be reposted before the weekend is up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b6qeb/did_you_guys_read_about_the_fence_that_got/
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All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with

But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b6prn/all_these_people_are_so_quick_to_criticize/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

I doesn't matter, it won't come when you call it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b6k9s/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Who is Jason Waterfalls?

And why don't they want him to go?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b6hbt/who_is_jason_waterfalls/
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With all this talk of making Puerto Rico the 51st state, I think we should find 2 more to make 53.

One nation, indivisible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b6epz/with_all_this_talk_of_making_puerto_rico_the_51st/
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What do you call a midget fortune teller who kills his customers?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b667i/what_do_you_call_a_midget_fortune_teller_who/
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Did y'all hear about the circus fire this weekend?

Yeah, scary stuff... they say it was intents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b60s0/did_yall_hear_about_the_circus_fire_this_weekend/
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Three students who got the lowest grades in the class were bitching about their Sex Ed teacher.

They were completely unhappy with their grades.
The student who got a D said, "Man, we need to do something to get back at her for failing us."
The student with a D- asked, "Totally, but what should we do?"
The student who got a F blurted out, "Let's kick her in the balls!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b60pa/three_students_who_got_the_lowest_grades_in_the/
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I went camping with swingers

It was fucking intense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b5yfl/i_went_camping_with_swingers/
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I for one,

like Roman Numerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b5y46/i_for_one/
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Give a man a fish...

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to google, he quits asking dumbass questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b5x12/give_a_man_a_fish/
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Ghosts...

I didn't believe in ghosts until this one night, it was like 3 am, and I decided to start believing in ghosts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b5wmx/ghosts/
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My wife got angry when I said "Samsung"...

Apparently that was the wrong answer to: "What oven should I buy to match my cooking style?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b5slu/my_wife_got_angry_when_i_said_samsung/
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The NBA is like a box of crayons...

they don't use the white ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b5r5r/the_nba_is_like_a_box_of_crayons/
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If I had 25 cents for every time I failed my math test

I'd have $5.13

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b5o0m/if_i_had_25_cents_for_every_time_i_failed_my_math/
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Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?

It's pasteurized before you can even see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b5jcv/did_you_know_that_milk_is_the_fastest_liquid_on/
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Little Mary goes up to her mom and says "Daddy said to tell you he needs to use your typewriter to write a letter...."

Mom smiles because she knows this is their secret code for sex. Unfortunately since she was on her period, she told little Mary: "Tell your daddy he can't use it because it only has red ink right now"
The next day,  mom says: "Go tell daddy he can use my typewriter now".  Little Mary runs off, and returns a minute later and tells her mom: "Daddy said it's too late because he already did the letter by hand"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b5d6n/little_mary_goes_up_to_her_mom_and_says_daddy/
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The missionary was in Africa working with this isolated tribe...

The missionary was in Africa working with this isolated tribe for two years.
One day he wakes up to sticks poking him and sees himself surrounded by members of the tribe who lift him violently and bring him to the chief.
"For what you've done, you're going to die!".
Confused, the missionary asks: "What have I done that I deserve to die?!"
The chief points his finger and the crowd opens up to reveal a rather white baby.
"This baby was born today. Look at the color of his skin. You are the only white person who has ever come here. You betrayed our trust and now you must die!".
The missionary swallow hard, puts his arm around the chief chowder and ask if they can go for a walk before he kills him.
The chief agrees, but says he won't be forgiven.
So they get to an open field and the missionary starts talking to the chief:
"look at the nature around us, look at all this diversity.
Sometimes nature changes things on it's own." He points to a sheep herd...
"see all the sheep? They are all white, but that one was born black. Nature does that."
The chief is convinced and they head back to the tribe. When they are almost there the chief says:
"I won't kill you. But you will never tell anybody about that sheep"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b5cyp/the_missionary_was_in_africa_working_with_this/
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My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money, watch your health.”

So one day while I was watching my health, my grandfather stole my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b55sg/my_grandfather_always_said_dont_watch_your_money/
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Johnny wanted to have sex

with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The idiot used coins!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b50gu/johnny_wanted_to_have_sex/
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What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican?

E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b4tek/whats_the_difference_between_et_and_a_mexican/
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What do you call an african american in a 3 piece suit?

The defendant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b4rvr/what_do_you_call_an_african_american_in_a_3_piece/
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I don't want Hillary to become the first f president.

Whoops, meant to say female but the "emale" got deleted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b4o5o/i_dont_want_hillary_to_become_the_first_f/
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Cheer up Hillary Clinton.

Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b4l8q/cheer_up_hillary_clinton/
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A man asks his friend to stop telling animal puns.

His friend says "Sorry, it's a bad rabbit I have."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b4j9q/a_man_asks_his_friend_to_stop_telling_animal_puns/
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50 of the most offensive jokes I know

1_Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes
2_My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
3_What's the difference between a woman and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.
4_Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
5_What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
6_How do you get a gay guy to fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.
7_What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
8_How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave.
9_How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
10_How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.
11_Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed and Driver's Ed on the same day? They have to give the donkey a break at some point.
12_Feminism
13_So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
14_How did Hitler kill so many Jews? Free transportation
15_How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.
16_What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.
17_So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster… Now it doesn't work.
18_Say what you want about pedophiles but they do drive slower through school zones
19_What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
20_What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you already done told her twice.
21_What's white on top and black on bottom? US culture
22_Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free.
23_What happened when the Jew walked into the wall with a hard-on? He broke his nose.
24_How long does it take for a black woman to take a shit? Nine months.
25_How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.
26_How many Jews can you fit into a car? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 5,999,995 in the ashtray
27_How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch.
28_What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
29_What's the worst thing about being black and Jewish? Having to sit in the back of the oven.
30_What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the First Period.
31_How do you swat 200 flies at one time? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
32_What's black and blue and doesn't like to have sex? The 9-year-old girl in my basement.
33_How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One, she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
34_What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down a baby's throat.
35_Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand up.
36_Did you hear the Score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't.
37_How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
38_What's 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage.
39_What's the hardest part of eating bald pussy? Getting the diaper back on.
40_What's the difference between dollars and Jews? I'd give a shit if I lost 6 million dollars.
41_9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
42_What's the best part about fucking a 12-year-old girl? If you flip her over she looks like her little brother
43_What do you get when you cross goat DNA with human DNA? You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
44_I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.
45_What's the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter? Harry can escape the chamber.
46_What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong.
47_What's the difference between black people and snow tires? A: A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.
48_What's the difference between cancer and black people? Cancer got Jobs.
49_What do Sarah Palin and Iron Man have in common? They both had a Downey Jr. inside of them.
50_A black, a Muslim and a Mexican jump off a cliff to see who gets to the bottom first. Who wins? A: Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b4ih0/50_of_the_most_offensive_jokes_i_know/
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Why do ninjas make bad porn stars?

Because nobody can see them coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b4hmr/why_do_ninjas_make_bad_porn_stars/
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**LONG** A cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy walks into a bar and has a seat. "What can I get for you?" the bartender asks. "Vodka, but I'll take the whole bottle." He replies.
"Something wrong?"
"Yeah, I have a problem with my horses. I want to train one of them to be a race horse and one to be a work horse but they look the same!"
The bartender thinks it over and says "Why don't you cut one of their tails off?"
The cowboy says "Great idea!", immediately lightening up, and walks out.
*2 months later*
The cowboy walks back into the bar, looking depressed again.
The bartender says "How'd it go?"
"It worked great for a month or so, but then the tail grew back, and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender thinks it over again and says "How about you cut off one of their manes??"
"That just might work..." The cowboy replies and runs out.
*2 months later*
The cowboy comes back again, visibly disturbed.
At this point the bartender doesn't really give a shit and before he even sits down says "Just go measure there height or something!"
The cowboy leaves the bar.
*1 year passes*
The cowboy runs in and hugs the bartender, who stares at him awkwardly.
"IT WORKED!!! THE BLACK HORSE IS 2 INCHES TALLER THAN THE WHITE HORSE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b4gkp/long_a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
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How can you tell you are in a math teacher's garden?

All the trees have square roots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b4gj3/how_can_you_tell_you_are_in_a_math_teachers_garden/
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How are a pair of skinny jeans like a cheap motel?

No ballroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b4g1t/how_are_a_pair_of_skinny_jeans_like_a_cheap_motel/
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Five friends, completely drunk, get to a train station...

... when the train arrives, four of them get in, but one is so wasted he stays behind.
A cop is watching the whole scene from a distance, can't resist, walks to the guy and says:
"So you're so drunk you couldn't even catch the train with your friends, huh?"
To what the man responds:
"What's even more humiliating is I was the one who was going to travel. The others just came along to say goodbye..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b4d0l/five_friends_completely_drunk_get_to_a_train/
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What do ghosts get arrested for?

Possession.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b4b4h/what_do_ghosts_get_arrested_for/
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What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.
Repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b48ue/whats_the_difference_between_isaac_newton_and_the/
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My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange.

I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b46qj/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_watch_dr_strange/
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b43hl/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi/
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Don't be racist, be like Mario...

He's an Italian plumber created by Japanese people who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican, and runs like a Jamaican, and jumps like a Black man, and grabs coins like a Jew...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b42kw/dont_be_racist_be_like_mario/
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What do you call a basement full of SJW's?

A whine cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b40r4/what_do_you_call_a_basement_full_of_sjws/
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They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win...

It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b3zsn/theyre_dying_the_chicago_river_blue_in_honor_of/
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Why haven't I ever met a full blooded Jew?

All the ones I have met have been Jew-ish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b3z4s/why_havent_i_ever_met_a_full_blooded_jew/
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Did you hear about the porn star who got jizz in her eye during a scene?

She didn't see that one coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b3yl8/did_you_hear_about_the_porn_star_who_got_jizz_in/
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3 drunk guys entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b3ycs/3_drunk_guys_entered_a_taxi/
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How many Trump supporters does t take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just make the Mexicans do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b3skm/how_many_trump_supporters_does_t_take_to_change_a/
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Why don't mathematicians have degrees?

They prefer radians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b3r65/why_dont_mathematicians_have_degrees/
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A missionary deep in the heart of Africa is tending his herd of sheeps when suddenly

the very angry village chief approaches with his little albino daughter in his hand and yells with fury: "Priest! Look at daughter! You are the only white man within a 1000 miles, I know you have had sex with one of my wives!"
The missionary, a bit anxious, says with calm: "No no no, I can assure you I have done no such thing. Your daughter is an albino and is white due to an act of God" As the chief still looks very suspicious the missionary points at the herd of sheeps and continues: "If you look at this herd of sheeps you will notice one black sheep among the hundred white ones, this is also an act of God and nothing is wrong with that."
The chief looks at the black sheep with lifted eyebrows, looks at the missionary and whispers: "okay okay.. I shut up about white girl and you shut up about black sheep!.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b3r1r/a_missionary_deep_in_the_heart_of_africa_is/
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The teacher said..

Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775,"  he said.
"Very good!  "Who said:  'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.
"Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said:
"John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. "Little Akio isn't from this Country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Japs."
"Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up,
"General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says,
"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher.. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice,  "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
*"Oh shit, we are finished."*
Little Akio said quietly,
*"All Americans, 2017, if Donald Trump gets elected."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b3mm0/the_teacher_said/
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Hey girl, are you Harambes enclosure?

Because i want to drop babies in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b3k3k/hey_girl_are_you_harambes_enclosure/
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I made a movie about premature ejaculation.

But it came out too soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b3jvw/i_made_a_movie_about_premature_ejaculation/
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While I was living in Japan a woman approached me on the train...

She said to me, "What's black and white and red all over?"
"Wow," I said, "You can speak English?"
"Just a riddle," she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b3i8l/while_i_was_living_in_japan_a_woman_approached_me/
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What's a pirate's favorite letter in the alphabet?

Everyone thinks it's R but it's the C they love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b3gi2/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter_in_the_alphabet/
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I want a job cleaning mirrors

It's something I could really see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b3dzz/i_want_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
%
NSFW A black third grader goes to his mom and says...

"Mom I have the biggest dick in third grade. Is it because  I'm black?" She replies, "no It's because you're 19".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b3clx/nsfw_a_black_third_grader_goes_to_his_mom_and_says/
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How do you tell the difference between an X and Y chromosome?

You pull down its genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b39m4/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_an_x_and_y/
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A teacher trying to teach good manners ...

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b39fc/a_teacher_trying_to_teach_good_manners/
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What's a suicidal Russian's favorite drink?

Cyka bleach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b398l/whats_a_suicidal_russians_favorite_drink/
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b38j8/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table_the_son_asks_the/
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Hilary Clinton goes to a psychic. The soothsayer tells her, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death."

Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b368s/hilary_clinton_goes_to_a_psychic_the_soothsayer/
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day...

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died right there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Well, a beautiful woman in a bar invited me to her house not even an hour ago. Naturally, as a single man in his twenties, I took the opportunity and joined her that evening. We were right in the middle of the deed when she suddenly noticed her husband got home, and quickly told me to find a hiding place."
"So, picture this," says the third man, "I decide to hide inside the refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b33xg/three_men_were_standing_in_line_to_get_into/
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The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a missionary walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.
Scared to death, the missionary went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".
After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b318i/the_lion_with_christian_feelings/
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A professor was teaching a class of hyperintelligent youngsters on Game Theory

"To get an A in the test tomorrow your score will have to be as close as possible to 2/3s of the average score of the class."
Afterwards everyone signed up for the test.
The test was the next day.
No one showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b308p/a_professor_was_teaching_a_class_of/
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I put on one of those things that prevents me from ever having children.

A shell suit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2xg2/i_put_on_one_of_those_things_that_prevents_me/
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Why did the english student get an F?

His poem had ABAD rhyme pattern.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2x3b/why_did_the_english_student_get_an_f/
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She was only a whiskey maker...

...but he loved her still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2w9l/she_was_only_a_whiskey_maker/
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I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home I found out that all the pages are blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2sdd/i_just_bought_a_thesaurus_and_when_i_got_it_home/
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Why don't black people go on cruise ships?

They aren't gonna fall for that one again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2oab/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruise_ships/
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People in my office have this strange habit of naming their food...

Yesterday, I had a sandwich named "Michael".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2o4j/people_in_my_office_have_this_strange_habit_of/
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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2nux/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing saran wrap pants

He says "Doctor, I think I'm crazy"
The doctor says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2no9/a_guy_walks_into_a_psychiatrist_wearing_saran/
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When I lived on the street, I always wanted to become a plumber, get a home, and run a business...

But that was just a pipe dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2mg2/when_i_lived_on_the_street_i_always_wanted_to/
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You shouldn't worry about headaches

I mean, it's all in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2jae/you_shouldnt_worry_about_headaches/
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What's the best part about sex with a pregnant woman?

Getting head at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2hj5/whats_the_best_part_about_sex_with_a_pregnant/
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What do you call a blind german?

A not-see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2h4l/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
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A father cooks his family venison for dinner, he doesn't tell the kids what the meat is and asks them to guess..

The dad says:
"I'll give you a clue, it's what your mother calls me."
His son yells:
"Don't eat it, it's a fucking dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2gtn/a_father_cooks_his_family_venison_for_dinner_he/
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Did you hear the creator of spaghetti died?

He pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2ftl/did_you_hear_the_creator_of_spaghetti_died/
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day....

Let him out of your basement and he can go back to his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2eog/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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Hey girl are you a school?

Because I want to shoot kids inside you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2bwp/hey_girl_are_you_a_school/
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A chick crosses the road and walks into a brothel.

The madam says, "We don't get many lady customers in here. The only male escort we currently have is Dave."
An average looking guy waves from across the room.
"He looks alright." The lady says.
"Perhaps you would prefer some female company?" The madam says.
Three beautiful ladies, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head, wave from across the room.
"I'm not really into women." She says. "I think I'll take rooster boy over there."
"You mean Dave?" The madam asks.
"Sure"  She says. "Cock. A dude'll do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b2bb8/a_chick_crosses_the_road_and_walks_into_a_brothel/
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I was told if I got robbed when I was camping, it would invalidate my insurance...

They said if my tent gets stolen, I'll no longer be covered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b265m/i_was_told_if_i_got_robbed_when_i_was_camping_it/
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What's the difference between a Redditor and a brick?

The brick will eventually get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b25xm/whats_the_difference_between_a_redditor_and_a/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic occultist?

He sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b229t/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_occultist/
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I just woke up from a 13month coma

Just in time to see my wife give birth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1zvg/i_just_woke_up_from_a_13month_coma/
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My girlfriend said we can have sex on days that start wit "T"...

...Tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1vyf/my_girlfriend_said_we_can_have_sex_on_days_that/
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What happened when Apple added the new touchbar?

They're taking away functions, and there's no escape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1vm3/what_happened_when_apple_added_the_new_touchbar/
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Did you guys hear about the scandal with the South Korean president?

She did the right thing and accepted Seoul responsibility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1veb/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_scandal_with_the/
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What do you call a sexist masseuse?

A massage-ynist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1taj/what_do_you_call_a_sexist_masseuse/
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A line of nuns are waiting to get into heaven....

Saint Peter is there, ticking off names, a font full of holy water beside him.
As each nun gets to the front of the line, he asks her,
"While on earth, did you ever have contact with a penis?"
"No" of course is the majority answer.
Eventually, one admits, "Well, once I touched one with the tip of my finger."
"That's fine, wash your finger in the holy water and go on into heaven." Advises Saint Peter.
The next naughty nun confesses, "Well, once I... massaged one a bit.."
"Wash your hand in the holy water and go on into heaven."
The question has been whispered back down the line and a little while later, there's a commotion as one of the nuns pushes her way to the front.
"Now hold on, what's the rush?!" Exclaims Peter. "You're all going to get in, anyway!"
To which the nun who pushed in replies,
"Well if I have to gargle with the holy water, I'm doing it *before* Sister Mary washes her arse in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1t9i/a_line_of_nuns_are_waiting_to_get_into_heaven/
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What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1smp/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
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What do you call an oil stain that lasted for 1000 years?

Ancient grease

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1q5n/what_do_you_call_an_oil_stain_that_lasted_for/
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A new class of octopus has been discovered that cooks it's food.

It's the only Chefalopod found so far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1pjf/a_new_class_of_octopus_has_been_discovered_that/
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What did the house turn into on the night of the full moon?

A Warehouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1pbl/what_did_the_house_turn_into_on_the_night_of_the/
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Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

For hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1mjs/why_does_donald_trump_take_xanax/
%
Roses are red, violets are blue....

does this rag smell like chloroform to you? ,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1ln2/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
Why do girls...

Hang out in odd numbers?
Because they can't even!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1koq/why_do_girls/
%
What is the worst thing about being an egg?

You only get laid once, and that's by your mother!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1jzt/what_is_the_worst_thing_about_being_an_egg/
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I'm on a new diet of just Viagra and prune juice...

I never know if I'm comin' or goin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1hp5/im_on_a_new_diet_of_just_viagra_and_prune_juice/
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How many Anti-Vaxxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

As a mother, I choose not to screw it in. Light bulbs are dangerous weapons created by the Soviet Union, and I will not screw it in; it could severely hurt my child. As everyone knows, light bulbs are the principle source of autism in this world, and I have to take a stand on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1hjn/how_many_antivaxxers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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There was once this circus performer who could eat anything, and would do so for his act.

His best trick was when he would eat several pillows and pillowcases, a comforter, a fitted sheet, a regular sheet, and a mattress all in one sitting. Unfortunately, he couldn’t preform the stunt often as the immense amount of fiber would block him up for nearly a month. After about three weeks of painful constipation, though, his body would dump everything at once simultaneously, so he would always shit the bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1ejx/there_was_once_this_circus_performer_who_could/
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Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?

There were many knights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1do7/why_were_the_early_days_of_history_called_the/
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Why is Apple donating money to cancer research?

"Cancer stole our jobs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1db1/why_is_apple_donating_money_to_cancer_research/
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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle......

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "
What did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " Check for squirrel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1cum/when_jane_initially_met_tarzan_in_the_jungle/
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b1caw/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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Give a man a fish

and he'll eat for a day
Teach him to fish and you have lost a profitable business idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b18x0/give_a_man_a_fish/
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You’re so ugly, when you were born your mom said...

“What a treasure” and your dad said “Lets go bury it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b15bu/youre_so_ugly_when_you_were_born_your_mom_said/
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How long did Cain beat his brother?

As long as he was Abel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b14v8/how_long_did_cain_beat_his_brother/
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What is it called when a hacker poops?

Logging out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b10sf/what_is_it_called_when_a_hacker_poops/
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The Koala should be classified as a bear

It has all the Koalafications

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0yyf/the_koala_should_be_classified_as_a_bear/
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American Soldier

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0yi5/american_soldier/
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Why did the couple bring a melon to their honeymoon?

Because they cantaloupe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0qie/why_did_the_couple_bring_a_melon_to_their/
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I got a paper cut writing my suicide note

It's a start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0ppb/i_got_a_paper_cut_writing_my_suicide_note/
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My brother and his husband decided to adopt a kid

The kid said he was hungry, so my brother responded "Hi hungry, I'm dad!" to which his husband responded "Hi dad, I'm dad!". My brother then replied to him "Hi dad, I'm dad!"  They've been stuck like this for two weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0p6g/my_brother_and_his_husband_decided_to_adopt_a_kid/
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January 20, 2017

The day America expires.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0mul/january_20_2017/
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My girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.

Well, I've got some news for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0mpl/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_choose_between_our/
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What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jewish person?

The Boy Scout comes home from camp.
^First ^time ^posting ^on ^this ^sub ^don't ^know ^what's ^too ^offensive ^and ^what's ^not ^sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0mas/whats_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a/
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My ex would always skip a letter when reciting the alphabet...

She never said y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0hy8/my_ex_would_always_skip_a_letter_when_reciting/
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What do you call a Mexican garden hose in Canada?

Joseh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0hxu/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_garden_hose_in_canada/
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I was arrested for killing a black man

I thought I would be charged with murder, but instead I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0h8s/i_was_arrested_for_killing_a_black_man/
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I'm going to a notable restaurant tonight.

I'm excited, but I don't know where I'll put my plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0exe/im_going_to_a_notable_restaurant_tonight/
%
Arguing on the Internet is like sex with a goat

No matter how good your performance, everyone else now thinks less of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0eho/arguing_on_the_internet_is_like_sex_with_a_goat/
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A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0c6a/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_to_the_barman/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking.

JK Rowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b0anc/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill_walking/
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Posting a Joke on reddit is like going to a bar...

You see the same shit repeated every week, but you can't stop from yourself from going there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b09xt/posting_a_joke_on_reddit_is_like_going_to_a_bar/
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What do you call an ape that's both extremely frugal and fearful?

A cheap pansy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b07rk/what_do_you_call_an_ape_thats_both_extremely/
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How do you know Princess Diana has dandruff?

They found her Head and Shoulders in the glovebox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b053f/how_do_you_know_princess_diana_has_dandruff/
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Some people just have a way with words...

...and other people … oh … not have way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5b02qz/some_people_just_have_a_way_with_words/
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A politician dies and goes to heaven...

He is greeted by St. Peter who tells him there is a new system in the afterlife. You can spend one day in heaven and one day in hell, and afterwords you can decide where you want to spend eternity.
The politician say, "ok, let's try this out."
So he spends the day in heaven, praying with the Lord, singing with the choir, and talking with the angels. He's thinking this is alright, not too exciting, but it's gotta be better than hell.
The day ends with a late night prayer and he is greeted by St Peter, who tells the politician he now has to spend one day in Hell.
The man awakes in hell, in what appears to be the Penthouse suite,  he is greeted by the Devil himself,  dressed in an Armani suit, holding out a glass of champagne for the politician.
The man takes the champagne and is told by the devil that in the lobby there is a full bar, pools full of beautiful women, a restaurant with the finest chef the world has seen, and a casino next door.
The politician is shocked and is thinking, "Wow! This is hell? This is amazing!"
The man ends up bringing two amazing women to his suite and that is how the day finishes.
The politician awakes with St Peter asking him that now he must make the decision of where he wants to spend eternity.
The man says "Heaven is OK,  but it's got nothing on Hell,  I'm sorry St. Peter, but I think im gonna have to choose Hell."
St.Peter asks the politician if he's sure of his decision, and the man says yes.
The man awakes to screams of pain and torture, in a dark and unimaginably hot place.  He is greeted by the Devil, who is weilding a Trident and is laughing maniacally.
The politician says to the Devil,  "What's going on? Where's all the beautiful women? Where's my penthouse suite? This isn't what I was showed!"
The Devil replies,  "Well you see, yesterday we were campaigning, but today you voted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5azwai/a_politician_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
I have 70 hobbies and they all smell the same.

They are 69'ing and fishing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5azqki/i_have_70_hobbies_and_they_all_smell_the_same/
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Four nuns are driving through Transylvania one night...

A vampire flies down out of the sky and lands on the hood of the car, hissing at them and baring his fangs.
The nun driving shrieks, "What do I do, what do I do?"
One of the other nuns says, "Turn on the windshield wiper, maybe it will knock him off!"
So the driving nun does so, and the wiper hits the vampire on the nose, but it does not faze him.
Another nun says, "I put holy water in the washer fluid, try that!"
So the driving nun turns on the washer fluid, and there is some smoking and bubbling of the vampire's skin, but he just hisses louder at them.
The fourth nun says, "Show him your cross!"
The driving nun says, "Good idea!"
So she rolls down the window, sticks her head out, and shrieks, "WILL YOU GET THE FUCK OFF MY CAR?!?!?!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5azpbs/four_nuns_are_driving_through_transylvania_one/
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A Reporter Visits a Small Village In the Woods...

He approaches a small cabin and knocks at the door. A man answers the door, and after a few minutes of talking, the man agrees to help the reporter with his article about life outside the big city.
The man invites the reporter in and offers him a drink. They sit down at the table and then the reporter asks a question... "Do you know any interesting stories about this village, sir?"
The man replies quickly "Of course I do! There was this time when the village's priest got lost in the woods! So all of us men of the village went looking for him! We spent the whole night searching, and once we found him, we were so overjoyed that we all gangbanged him!"
The reporter almost spits his drink after hearing that, but he forces himself to remain calm... "Ha ha... uh, you see, sir... I-I don't think that story is... um, appropriate for our magazine; do you have a different story?"
The man thinks for a moment, and then starts "Well... there was this time the village's oldest lady got lost in the woods! So all of us men of the village went looking for her! We spent the whole night searching, and once we found her, we were so overjoyed that we all gangbanged her!"
The reporter, resisting the urge to facepalm, decides to try a different approach... "Ahem, okay, sir... how about we try a different story? I noticed a couple of farms on my way here. Maybe you could tell me some stories about cute farm animals for our younger readers".
Once again, the man replies quickly "Ah, I've got a good one! Let me tell ya; there was this time my neighbor's cow got lost in the woods! So all of us village men went-"
"STOP!!" the reporter says, sounding more annoyed than intended, but he had a feeling that he knew where that story was going, and he definitely didn't want to add another disturbing mental picture to the ones he just got from the other stories. He takes a deep breath, and tries for the last time "I just... look, sir... how about you just tell me a sad story? Do you have one of those?"
The man takes a moment... then he sobs quietly and answers  "Yeah, there was that time *I* got lost in the woods..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5azkwk/a_reporter_visits_a_small_village_in_the_woods/
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Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5azjw2/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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What is Forrest Gump's favorite type of pasta?

Penne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5azg8b/what_is_forrest_gumps_favorite_type_of_pasta/
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I find myself addicted to this website just like my Father before me. Guess why that is?

It's He*reddit*tary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5azfiz/i_find_myself_addicted_to_this_website_just_like/
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I started a business putting explosives in prayer mats

Prophets are though the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5azdg4/i_started_a_business_putting_explosives_in_prayer/
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Just bought a thesaurus and when I looked, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5az626/just_bought_a_thesaurus_and_when_i_looked_all_the/
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Posting a Joke on reddit is like going to a bar

Once in a while you get lucky, but most of the time you just ruin your self esteem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5az3fu/posting_a_joke_on_reddit_is_like_going_to_a_bar/
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Why did the knight stop fighting after all his limbs had been chopped of?

He'd been unarmed and defeated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5az35b/why_did_the_knight_stop_fighting_after_all_his/
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What do you call an angry cashew?

A pissed-achio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5az2q1/what_do_you_call_an_angry_cashew/
%
I broke up with my girlfriend, Ruth..

Now her friends call me ruthless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5az1l5/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_ruth/
%
Two deer walk out of a bar.

One turns to the other in disgust and says, "I can't believe you blew 20 bucks in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ayyow/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_bar/
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Hot and cold sex

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man.. "After I have sex with my wife, I
am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
The doctor could not find any explanation for this.
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you
the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time.
Do you know why?'
"Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied. "That's because...The first time is usually in December, and the second time is in May"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ayvkk/hot_and_cold_sex/
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A doctor from U.K. says: "In U.K. the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's hand; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments:"That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." A Russian doctor says:"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.  The Sudanese doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues. You are way behind us.... ... In Sudan about 30 years ago we grabbed a person from the army with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the Sudan, and now....... the whole country is looking for work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ayp86/a_doctor_from_uk_says_in_uk_the_medicine_is_so/
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My angry wife said: "I hope you spend an eternity in hell !"....

I said,  "Why wait?  I'll take you clothes shopping right now".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aynd9/my_angry_wife_said_i_hope_you_spend_an_eternity/
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I got my IQ test results back today

They were negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aymuh/i_got_my_iq_test_results_back_today/
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What's the difference between an amusement park and a pedophile?

A pedophile doesn't have a height limit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aygwi/whats_the_difference_between_an_amusement_park/
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If a baby horse swears at it's mother,

would this be classed as foal language?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ayfyr/if_a_baby_horse_swears_at_its_mother/
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You can't get good signal reception at a cemetery

It's a dead spot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ayfts/you_cant_get_good_signal_reception_at_a_cemetery/
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Women are the best firewalls in the world

1. One human cell contains 75MB of genetic information.
2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.
3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.
4. On average, ejaculation lasts for 5s and contains 2.25ml of semen.
5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to (37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second = 1,6875 Тerabyte/sec
This means that the female eggcell withstands this DDoS attack at 1.5 terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package, thereby being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!
The downside of it is that this small data package that it lets through hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ay95f/women_are_the_best_firewalls_in_the_world/
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What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ay6p3/whats_the_best_thing_about_dating_a_homeless_girl/
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I'd tell you a joke about UDP...

but I'm not sure you'd get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ay34f/id_tell_you_a_joke_about_udp/
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How has Donald Trump managed to bankrupt so many casinos?

He hits on anything twelve or higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ay2nh/how_has_donald_trump_managed_to_bankrupt_so_many/
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Did you know pigeons die after they have sex

At least the one I fucked did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ay287/did_you_know_pigeons_die_after_they_have_sex/
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Why didn't the coast guard save the hippy?

He was too far out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ay0fo/why_didnt_the_coast_guard_save_the_hippy/
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Before I rush off to the bathroom to pee, I just wanted to tell you what a good friend you are to me.

On a scale from 1 to 10...
*urinate*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5axzq4/before_i_rush_off_to_the_bathroom_to_pee_i_just/
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If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.
This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5axyjn/if_trump_wins_the_election_im_leaving_the_country/
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What would happen if you were to cross two snowmen with three vampires?

You would get severe frostbite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5axxnj/what_would_happen_if_you_were_to_cross_two/
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A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5axvfp/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_with_the_lapd/
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What's Canada's intelligence agency called?

The C.I. Eh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5axmaq/whats_canadas_intelligence_agency_called/
%
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

All they said was ,"Bach, Bach, Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5axma6/why_did_beethoven_get_rid_of_his_chickens/
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What do you call a number that can't keep still?

A roamin' numeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5axm1b/what_do_you_call_a_number_that_cant_keep_still/
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Every cloud has a silver lining...

... unless it's a mushroom cloud. Then it's likely strontium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5axi6g/every_cloud_has_a_silver_lining/
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How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?

Get the fifth one to yell, "Bingo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5axhsz/how_do_you_get_four_old_ladies_to_shout_fuck/
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A foreigner goes to a bank in Switzerland...

The teller asks the foreigner: "Would you like to make a deposit?"
The foreign man replies: "Yes I would."
The teller: "How much would you like to deposit?"
The man leans in and whispers: "Three million dollars..."
The teller: "Oh you can speak up. Being poor is no reason to be ashamed in Switzerland."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5axh8x/a_foreigner_goes_to_a_bank_in_switzerland/
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Communist alternative of "grab 'em by the pussy" would be...

..."seize the means of reproduction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5axfqk/communist_alternative_of_grab_em_by_the_pussy/
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If I had a nickel for every gender...

I'd have ten cents and a dead meme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5axcck/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_gender/
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How to you piss off a writer?

The list off ways is to long too fit hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ax7zl/how_to_you_piss_off_a_writer/
%
I saw a huge seagull today...

It was big enough to be a D-gull
But not quite big enough to be an Eagle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ax76q/i_saw_a_huge_seagull_today/
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Little Johnny

The teacher came up to Johnny's desk and asked can you tell me what separates you from a monkey.
Johnny said with confidence "the desk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ax2jk/little_johnny/
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I told her she has the most beautiful eyes and she started screaming...

Apparently she doesn't like to be woken up by total strangers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ax211/i_told_her_she_has_the_most_beautiful_eyes_and/
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The most annoying thing about being a necrophiliac...

Is that your girlfriend never returns your calls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5awz2q/the_most_annoying_thing_about_being_a_necrophiliac/
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Don't step on the pink cloud

Three friends, Sarah, Emily, and Rachel were in a terrible car accident and died. They ended up at the gates of heaven. There was an angel standing there waiting to welcome them, and at the end of his welcome speech, he warned "no matter what you do, don't ever step on the pink cloud". Thus, the three friends went their separate ways.
A year later, they decided to meet and catch up. Sarah said that she would be coming with her new husband she met in heaven. The moment Emily and Rachel met him, there was no doubt that he was the ugliest person they have ever met. The sight of him made them gag. Sarah burst into tears, crying "I stepped on the pink cloud!"
Another year passed, and this time Emily brought her new husband to their annual gathering. However, her husband was even uglier than Sarah's. She burst into tears, crying "I stepped on the pink cloud!"
The third year came around, and this time, Rachel brought her new husband. To Sarah and Emily's horror, he was handsome enough to be a top model. Sputtering with jealousy and rage, they asked "how did you get such a good looking husband, while we're stuck with ugly trolls?"
Rachel's husband burst into tears, and cried "I stepped on the pink cloud!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5awtwt/dont_step_on_the_pink_cloud/
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Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt is riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5awqtt/bill_and_marla_decided_that_the_only_way_to_pull/
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I won the Most Unreliable Employee award.

I'll collect it when I can be bothered to go back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5awpgx/i_won_the_most_unreliable_employee_award/
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Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use 3 times a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5awogl/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_will_feed_him_for_a_day/
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5awndg/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_with_a_fullgrown/
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Who's paying for Trump's wall?

EveryJuan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5awkl0/whos_paying_for_trumps_wall/
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What does Hillary Clinton's presidency and Bill Clinton's presidency have in common?

They were both ruined by weiners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5awgse/what_does_hillary_clintons_presidency_and_bill/
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Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual

...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5awcy3/airport_security_asked_me_if_ive_seen_anything/
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My mother-in-law

fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aw9ol/my_motherinlaw/
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Husband and wife having an argument

Husband and wife are having an argument and the wife says "It would have been better if I married to the devil instead of you!". The husband looks at his wife and goes "That's inbreeding."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aw5df/husband_and_wife_having_an_argument/
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Pirates

The FBI seize a collection of pirated movies.
The movies were Footloose, dirty dancing, ferris bueller's day off, ghost busters and the breakfast club.
As the pirate sees his beloved movies taken away from him, he cries
"ARGH! Me eighties!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aw0s2/pirates/
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My mom said if I don't stop using reddit she will bang my head on keyboard

But I know she will never do that because she loves medssxcvnklkjfsaarfscnnlknvdgjjbcfggukkfrhhvvvrrjbzddsazvbdwjjhguoiufde

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aw07q/my_mom_said_if_i_dont_stop_using_reddit_she_will/
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A man on one side of a river shouts to a man standing on the other side, “Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?”

The other man responds, “You are on the other side of the river.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avyx3/a_man_on_one_side_of_a_river_shouts_to_a_man/
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Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avxhz/why_dont_calculus_majors_throw_house_parties/
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Racist Jokes are all the same

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avxes/racist_jokes_are_all_the_same/
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent.

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avuwd/alcohol_is_a_perfect_solvent/
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Why are Reddit jokes so overused?

I don't know, ask Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avuhx/why_are_reddit_jokes_so_overused/
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What words does Donald Trump find irresistibly sexy?

"You sick fuck, I'm calling the cops."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avu3r/what_words_does_donald_trump_find_irresistibly/
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What do you call a Vicar on a motorbike?

Rev

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avu2b/what_do_you_call_a_vicar_on_a_motorbike/
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I am black and my son stole my wallet.

I don't know If I'm proud or mad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avtkx/i_am_black_and_my_son_stole_my_wallet/
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A farmer has 1000 chickens.

He keeps them all in a large barn behind his house. He makes a comfortable living from selling their eggs. One day, however, the chickens' egg production drops off sharply. Days and weeks go by, and the chickens continue to lay fewer and fewer eggs. Worried for his livelihood, the farmer makes a number of different changes to the chickens' living conditions to try to improve their numbers. Nothing seems to work, though.
One day, a friend of the farmer says, "you know, sometimes a chicken is unhappy just because it hasn't been...satisfied...in a while. You know what I mean?" The farmer did know what his friend meant, and immediately set out to figure out a way to satisfy all 1000 of his chickens. To that end, he put an ad in the newspaper:
WANTED:
Rooster capable of satisfying 1000 chickens.
The very next morning, the man heard a knock at the door and opened it to find a rooster standing on his front porch.
"Hello", said the man.
"Hello", said the rooster.
"Do...do you think you can do it?"
"Sir, I believe I can."
"Well then, I'll let you get to it."
The farmer leads the rooster out back to the barn and then returns to his house. Almost immediately after closing the door, an incredible amount of noise starts to come from the barn. Squawking, cackling, wings flapping, wood creaking, even a few sounds the farmer himself, even with all his experience with chickens, couldn't place. He shook his head, thinking, "I hope this rooster can do what he says he can".
Come lunchtime, the noise from the barn hadn't let up one bit. By dinnertime, it actually seemed like it had grown louder. Even when the farmer went to bed, it had only subsided a little.
The farmer awoke the next morning to total quiet. He put on his clothes and went out to check on the barn. Sure enough, there were his 1000 chickens, looking happy and content and laying more eggs than he'd ever seen them lay in his life. The rooster, however, was nowhere to be seen.
On the walk back to the house, the farmer caught a glimpse of something out in one of his fields. As he walked out to check on it, he could make out the shape of what appeared to be the rooster lying motionless on the ground, with scattered vultures circling overhead.
The farmer, curious to see what manner of death satisfying 1000 chickens brings about, made his way out to the field to investigate. To his surprise, when he was only a few yards away from the rooster, it turned his head to him and whispered, "Shhh!" The farmer stopped dead in his tracks. The rooster said quietly, "You want to fuck a vulture, you've got to play their game".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avs1b/a_farmer_has_1000_chickens/
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I have read so many things about the impact of smoking and drinking alcohol

I think I will quit reading soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avr0m/i_have_read_so_many_things_about_the_impact_of/
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Did ya hear about the cannibal lion with a huge ego?

He had to swallow his pride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avntu/did_ya_hear_about_the_cannibal_lion_with_a_huge/
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Why does Donald Trump put his name on his buildings?

So the banks know which ones to seize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avlfl/why_does_donald_trump_put_his_name_on_his/
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What's Donald Trumps favourite album?

"The Wall" by Pink Floyd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avjbm/whats_donald_trumps_favourite_album/
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I'm like a credit card.

I'm always being used or denied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avie3/im_like_a_credit_card/
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Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avi4j/donald_trumps_plan_to_build_a_wall_might_actually/
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Three guys are drinking at a bar.

Suddenly, a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
The guy ignores him, and eventually the drunk wanders off.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
The guy is starting to look annoyed, but once again, he just ignores him.
Once again, the drunk wanders off.
Ten more minutes pass, and once again the drunk walks in and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avgto/three_guys_are_drinking_at_a_bar/
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What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avfgm/what_do_you_call_an_incestuous_nephew/
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Did you hear about the blondes who were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They were waiting for "Closed For The Winter" to start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avfdc/did_you_hear_about_the_blondes_who_were_found/
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Paddy and Seamus want to go for a pint of Guinness but...

They're skint.
They empty their pockets and pool what money they have between them, a total of £5.
"Ahh, feck... not even enough for one." laments Paddy.
Suddenly Seamus, looking across the road at the butcher's shop, gets an idea.
"Tell ya what Paddy.... give me the money and I'll see what I can do."
So Paddy hands over the cash and Seamus goes across the road into the butcher's shop, then comes out a few minutes later and shows Paddy what he's bought.
"A bratwurst?! How the fuck's that supposed to get us a pint, you muppet?!" Paddy exclaims.
"Easy! We'll go into the pub, order a pint and drink up, and when the barman comes over to collect the tab I'll flop this out and you pretend you're sucking my cock, see? I bet he'll be so disgusted he'll t'row us right out! Free beer!!"
Paddy brightens. "Grand! Doesn't hurt to try, does it?"
So Seamus hides the bratwurst down his pants and off they go to the nearest pub, where they put their plan into action.
As they finish up their pints, the barman starts to wander down their way so Seamus brings out the bratwurst and Paddy gets to work.
"Out! Out! Filthy fuckers!!" Screams the barman.
Seamus and Paddy leg it out the door and run up the road, stopping a few minutes later to crow at how well their plan has worked.
Delighted, they move on to another pub, and another, and another.... with the scam working perfectly at each stop.
A few hours later, the two haven't paid for a drink all night and are plastered, having visited several fine establishments.
Eventually, Paddy turns to Seamus and says,
"I don't think I can do this any more.. my knees are getting really sore!"
To which Seamus replies,
"How the fuck d'ya think I feel..? I lost the bratwurst after the third pub!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5avew3/paddy_and_seamus_want_to_go_for_a_pint_of/
%
A girl is standing in a busy town square holding a sign..

saying "everyone I need to tell you something important, my life depends on it"
A huge Line has formed leading up to her, and its moving fairly fast, so I decided to join it behind a nice young fellow in a yellow suit.
He looks at me and smiles, and says "are you here for the important news of the day?" I nodded and entered into some interesting conversation with him about his extravigent lifestyle, eagerly awaiting what she had to say .
Time passes with every word and Im a little closer now and I can see her whisper in each persons ear, and watch their shocked expression as they hurry off to work.
"Shes here every morning the man says, and she stays there until she's told everyone who will listen, this is the first time I've had the chance to stop by.. I can't wait!" He says in enthusiasm.
I'm about 3 people away now, and I notice she is very young, maybe 24, quite pretty aswell. And I can clearly see the importance she places in her words as she says them. I'm getting really excited now!
The man in the yellow suit is next, he leans in and captures the whispers as they flow from her mouth. It's only brief but he quickly nods and hurries off, not even a goodbye.
It's my turn! I'm eager, I'm ready! I walk up to her and she looks at me and grabs my arm.  She leans in and whispers into my ear.
"I just need you to know that I'm a vegan, do you know what that means? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5av6la/a_girl_is_standing_in_a_busy_town_square_holding/
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Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club.  Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.
The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet his two newest eternal residents, and despite rivers of lava and torrents of brimstone, they’re standing around in jackets.
“Not hot enough for you?” asked the Devil.
“What, this?  Nah, this is like a Spring day in Chicago.”
The Devil doesn’t take lightly to such a slight, so he decides to really turn things up.  The renewed eternal hellfire and inferno has made the screams of the tormented souls in hell even louder.   Rivers of lava overflowing their banks.  The Devil goes to check on his two Chicagoans, and sure enough he sees them lounging in shorts and t-shirts.
“Not hot enough for you?” the devil queries bewilderedly.
“What, this?  Nah, this is like a July in Chicago.  In fact, I think the humidity was worse in the summer of ’96.”
The Devil is even more incensed.  He comes up with a new idea.  Turn the thermostat way down.  The cursed souls in Hell are greeted by new but equally unbearable type of torture.  The lava stops flowing, brimstone stops glowing, and wouldn’t you know it, the ground they stand on has frozen solid.
The Devil again searches out his two Chicagoans, and to his dismay, they’re hugging and cheering.
“What’s this all about!?” the Devil roared.
“THEY’VE DONE IT, IT’S FINALLY HAPPENED, THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5av563/two_chicagoans_die_in_an_unfortunate_car_wreck/
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What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

Are you having a crisis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5av3k0/what_do_you_say_to_your_sister_when_shes_crying/
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It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning.

You could hear the gunshots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5auzdg/it_was_so_quiet_in_chicago_during_the_last_inning/
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I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic

and I won't take no for an answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5auz05/i_want_to_donate_a_large_amount_of_money_to_a/
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After tonight's World Series game...

It looks like the Indians are going to have a different type of trail of tears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5auw93/after_tonights_world_series_game/
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Gave my German friend a hit of my joint...

He said, Danke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5auuna/gave_my_german_friend_a_hit_of_my_joint/
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What sound does a bouncing plane make?

Boeing boeing boeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5autur/what_sound_does_a_bouncing_plane_make/
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Why can't a bike stand on its own?

Because it is two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aupwu/why_cant_a_bike_stand_on_its_own/
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My friends keep saying, "If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country!"

But I think Carlos, José, and Alejandro are all talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5auplk/my_friends_keep_saying_if_trump_wins_im_leaving/
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Jokes are like paper airplanes

I suck at making them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aulvk/jokes_are_like_paper_airplanes/
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A doctor enters a patients room and pulls out an anal thermometer from his pocket and says

Damn. Some asshole has my pen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5auilf/a_doctor_enters_a_patients_room_and_pulls_out_an/
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I made a line of soda called Bad Wifi

It's not doing so well, everyone keeps saying it isn't refreshing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5auhh2/i_made_a_line_of_soda_called_bad_wifi/
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What's the difference between a tire and 1000 used condoms?

One is a good year and the other is a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5augge/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_1000_used/
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What do Polish Hussars and toothpaste have in common?

They both fight against Tartars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5auea2/what_do_polish_hussars_and_toothpaste_have_in/
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Hey guys, Racism is a crime

But crime is only for black people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5auax5/hey_guys_racism_is_a_crime/
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What do you call a lost nun?

A Roman Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5au7zv/what_do_you_call_a_lost_nun/
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My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5atxya/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_be_more_like_her_ex/
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My parents caught me masturbating.

I wasn’t ashamed, I was startled - I almost dropped their wedding picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5atxd0/my_parents_caught_me_masturbating/
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At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy

I loved that wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5atwl6/at_school_the_other_kids_used_to_push_me_around/
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I took this girl home after our date...

Her: When you said magical in bed this isn't what I expe-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card?
Her: *softly* holy shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5atwjf/i_took_this_girl_home_after_our_date/
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To all the US redditors, remember to set the clock back an hour on Sunday

and not set the country back 50 years on Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5atvja/to_all_the_us_redditors_remember_to_set_the_clock/
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I wish my lawn was emo

so it would cut itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5att43/i_wish_my_lawn_was_emo/
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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5atscw/a_wife_and_her_husband_were_having_a_dinner_party/
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Sex while camping...

It's in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5atj9h/sex_while_camping/
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Why did the socialist drop out of high school math?

Because there were too many damn inequalities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5atilx/why_did_the_socialist_drop_out_of_high_school_math/
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People who don't watch porn.

Every time I talk about it with somebody who doesn't watch porn, the conversation always goes like this:
-Them: "Why would I want to watch two people have sex ?"
-Me: "Two?"....  "People???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5athby/people_who_dont_watch_porn/
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I haven't heard anything from my doctor since my ear surgery.

Or anyone, for that matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5atgtq/i_havent_heard_anything_from_my_doctor_since_my/
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I just saw a midget get pickpocketed...

I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5atff3/i_just_saw_a_midget_get_pickpocketed/
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I think i'm spending too much time around my gf's family.

I mean, her husband's going to notice sooner or later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5atdb2/i_think_im_spending_too_much_time_around_my_gfs/
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I've never been interrupted while masturbating

I've always had the pleasure of never being interrupted while masturbating. I don't know if it's because I play it safe or the people next to me just don't want to be rude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5atd6m/ive_never_been_interrupted_while_masturbating/
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How do you call a cross-dressing father of two?

Transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5atd3z/how_do_you_call_a_crossdressing_father_of_two/
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Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ata1u/patton_staggered_home_very_late_after_another/
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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

Because all those men already have boyfriends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5at55s/why_is_it_so_hard_for_women_to_find_men_that_are/
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Hey girl, are you an integral?

Because I'd like to find the area under your curves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5at2rn/hey_girl_are_you_an_integral/
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Life pro tip: always be nice to pies.

You don't want to hurt their fillings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aszfd/life_pro_tip_always_be_nice_to_pies/
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Why did the duck fly

Because he was high on Quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5asy3e/why_did_the_duck_fly/
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What weapons do pengiuns have?

Pen-guinades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5asx13/what_weapons_do_pengiuns_have/
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What came first, the chicken or the egg?

The rooster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5asvwe/what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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Jack was going to be married to Jill

... so the night before the wedding his father sits him down for a little fireside chat.
"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on."
So, she did and said: "These are too big, I can't wear them.'"
So I replied: "Damn right! I wear the pants in this family and always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
Jack thought that might be a good thing to try. So they have the wedding. On the night of their honeymoon he takes off his pants, hands them to Jill and says: "Here try these on."
She did and says: "These are too large, they don't fit me."
So Jack says: "Damn right! I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill removed her pants, handed them to Jack and said: "Here, you try on mine."
He tries and tries but can barely pull them up.  Finally he says: "I can't get into your pants."
So she says: "Damn right! And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5asscs/jack_was_going_to_be_married_to_jill/
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Sometimes, When I Think Of My Books...

I touch my shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5asql0/sometimes_when_i_think_of_my_books/
%
They say in 1990 a vagina almost took Bill Clinton down

Now it looks like a weiner may take Hillary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aspn3/they_say_in_1990_a_vagina_almost_took_bill/
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A Bostonian is walking down the street when...

A pirate jumps out in front of him and screams "Arrr!!!" To which the Bostonian screams back "Ahhhhhh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5asoez/a_bostonian_is_walking_down_the_street_when/
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I slapped Kim Kardashian’s ass once

I don’t like his music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ask60/i_slapped_kim_kardashians_ass_once/
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Why do stoners spend so much money?

because they’re high rollers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ashwr/why_do_stoners_spend_so_much_money/
%
I asked a blonde, "How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

She answered, "Two. But they can't fit inside a light bulb to screw in it, silly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ashbu/i_asked_a_blonde_how_many_blondes_does_it_take_to/
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A wife says to her husband....

"I want you to whishper dirty things in me ear,,
to which the husband replies:
"Kitchen,bathroom,livingroom"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ash7u/a_wife_says_to_her_husband/
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There's a reason why baseball is America's favorite pastime.

It's way past it's time of being relevant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5asflm/theres_a_reason_why_baseball_is_americas_favorite/
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Why did the nun never change her clothes?

It was a bad habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5asdo3/why_did_the_nun_never_change_her_clothes/
%
3 spears of asparagus.... (xpost from DadJokes)

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"
He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.
The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.
The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.
After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.
"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.
"The good news is your friend is going to live."
"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5asarr/3_spears_of_asparagus_xpost_from_dadjokes/
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As a young boy my mom would always tuck me in at night

She always wanted a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5as8zl/as_a_young_boy_my_mom_would_always_tuck_me_in_at/
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Why do Welshmen like to embarrass their wives?

It makes them rather sheepish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5as8fc/why_do_welshmen_like_to_embarrass_their_wives/
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The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5as8bl/the_attorney_tells_the_accused_i_have_some_good/
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A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams...

"Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"
The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5as2tt/a_guy_barges_into_a_psychiatrists_office_and/
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What is the difference between an animal doctor and a retired Nazi?

One is a veterinarian, and the other is a Veteran Aryan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5as1wz/what_is_the_difference_between_an_animal_doctor/
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I have a roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers.

We are maid for each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5as1q5/i_have_a_roommate_she_cleans_my_room_i_clean_hers/
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A coworker of mine dated a psychic

He told me she was very unique and well cultured.
I asked if she was a rare medium, well-done?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5as0so/a_coworker_of_mine_dated_a_psychic/
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What do you call a horny group of lawyers?

Firm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5arzkd/what_do_you_call_a_horny_group_of_lawyers/
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Girls are like squaring numbers...

If their under 18, just do them in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5arzau/girls_are_like_squaring_numbers/
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I've started wearing a stethoscope around my neck...

So, if there's a medical emergency I get to teach people a valuable lesson about making assumptions based on someone's appearance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5arz6u/ive_started_wearing_a_stethoscope_around_my_neck/
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I started a band called 999 Megabytes

... we haven’t gotten a gig yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5arvf0/i_started_a_band_called_999_megabytes/
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming…

They Don’t Know I’m Only Using Blanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5artlu/i_love_to_go_down_to_the_schoolyard_and_watch_all/
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What is Hillary Clinton's least favorite nation?

Incrimination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5arta5/what_is_hillary_clintons_least_favorite_nation/
%
What's better than a pair of Emerency Medical Technicians?

A paramedic(s)!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5arsfl/whats_better_than_a_pair_of_emerency_medical/
%
A fish is made from just two atoms of Sodium.

2Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5arpui/a_fish_is_made_from_just_two_atoms_of_sodium/
%
I just paid $25 for a hot 20 year old chick to rub her boobs all over me

I love having my hair cut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5arns0/i_just_paid_25_for_a_hot_20_year_old_chick_to_rub/
%
A blonde and a red head met in a bar after work...

...for a drink, and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, “I'll take that bet!”
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, “I can't take this, you're my friend. I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money.”
The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5arndx/a_blonde_and_a_red_head_met_in_a_bar_after_work/
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I now have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5arndt/i_now_have_an_epipen/
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Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5armuk/getting_married_in_heaven/
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What did the tree do when the bank closed?

It started its own branch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5arjr5/what_did_the_tree_do_when_the_bank_closed/
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I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary.

She smiled and said "Honey, I just want something shiny, that goes from 0 to 200 in a second".
So I bought her a brand new, shiny scale.
And that's when the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ariap/i_asked_my_wife_what_she_wanted_for_our/
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Bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find all the pages blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5argu5/bought_a_thesaurus_at_the_store_and_brought_it/
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Why are some cucumbers individually wrapped with plastic at the grocery store?

Double usage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ard9y/why_are_some_cucumbers_individually_wrapped_with/
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Why can't bike stand on its own?

...because it's two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5arck7/why_cant_bike_stand_on_its_own/
%
I opened a cheese shop in Israel today

Called it "Cheeses of Nazareth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5arc55/i_opened_a_cheese_shop_in_israel_today/
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What happens when an Asian with an erection walks into a wall?

He breaks his nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5arazi/what_happens_when_an_asian_with_an_erection_walks/
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I was watching Kill Bill

Couldn't hear anything as it was vol 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ar9q1/i_was_watching_kill_bill/
%
What do you call a newborn with 3 arms?

Not mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ar97f/what_do_you_call_a_newborn_with_3_arms/
%
My mind works like lightning.

One brilliant flash and it's gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ar8s7/my_mind_works_like_lightning/
%
Remember when Sarah Palin used to be the craziest person in politics?

Those were good times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ar7yh/remember_when_sarah_palin_used_to_be_the_craziest/
%
What has 2 heads and six legs?

Nirvana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ar6vl/what_has_2_heads_and_six_legs/
%
My girlfriend is getting bored of my obsession with pretending to be a detective, she's suggested we should split up.

It's a good idea, we'll cover more ground that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ar3ja/my_girlfriend_is_getting_bored_of_my_obsession/
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Chinese Torture

A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't sleep with his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does make love to his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.
When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter,   who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.
The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading   "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left ball tied to bed post."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqzd8/chinese_torture/
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Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler

. So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting " Fucking give it to me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqysb/sometimes_i_like_to_hide_my_wifes_inhaler/
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Some say Steve Jobs died too young.

Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqw7n/some_say_steve_jobs_died_too_young/
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What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqsk6/what_gets_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
%
So I went to the doctor for my annual prostate exam today....

I asked the doctor "Where I should put my pants?"
He replied "Over there next to mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqrzo/so_i_went_to_the_doctor_for_my_annual_prostate/
%
People who talk about me behind my back.

You discussed me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqp76/people_who_talk_about_me_behind_my_back/
%
Murphy's law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqoyd/murphys_law_anything_that_can_go_wrong_will_go/
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My credit card was stolen yesterday but not sure if I should report it...

My credit card was stolen yesterday but not sure if I should report it. The thief is spending a lot less than my wife normally does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqm0e/my_credit_card_was_stolen_yesterday_but_not_sure/
%
Man: Your place or mine?

Women: Both, you go to yours and I’ll go to mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqk4u/man_your_place_or_mine/
%
Carl is always really cranky in the morning...

"Carl, you should really do something about your bad mood," Says his boss, as Carl enters office with a long face once again.
"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it, boss."
"You know how I prevent this?" Answers his boss, "I make sure to have sex with my wife every time before I go to work. It's a great way to start off the day. Perhaps you should try this yourself."
The next day Carl enters office, he seems very upbeat.
"Good day Carl, I see you're doing much better. Did you take my advice?" says his boss.
"I'm glad I did, boss! It really helped," answers Carl. "By the way, I didn't know you lived in such a nice place!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqgiv/carl_is_always_really_cranky_in_the_morning/
%
Thanks for explaining the word many to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqee2/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
%
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...

...not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqdzy/i_want_to_die_in_my_sleep_like_my_grandfather/
%
Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqcco/mother_how_was_school_today_patrick/
%
Just got a job as a software engineer for the government!

My career as a professional shit poster is really gonna take off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqc6w/just_got_a_job_as_a_software_engineer_for_the/
%
I asked someone if they were pregnant or just fat...

He punched me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqby8/i_asked_someone_if_they_were_pregnant_or_just_fat/
%
I mailed you a joke from 12 miles away at 43,200 miles per hour.

It might take a second for you to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aqbip/i_mailed_you_a_joke_from_12_miles_away_at_43200/
%
I remember the last thing my Grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket..

He said "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aq9rt/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said_to_me/
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"Another mans thrash is another mans treasure"

Apparently this is not a good way for saying you are adopted to your kid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aq88e/another_mans_thrash_is_another_mans_treasure/
%
If Trump becomes president...

It would be the first instance of a white billionaire kicking a black family out of public housing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aq6ax/if_trump_becomes_president/
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Do you avoid clickbait properly?

You don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aq0b6/do_you_avoid_clickbait_properly/
%
A young man went to a bear hunter's house...

...He says to the old bear hunter:"I have been poor my entire life, can you please accept me as your disciple and teach me your ways of hunting?" The old bear hunter refused at first, but after the young man begs for several times he finally accepted.
He took out his 22-gauge rifle and says to young man:"Listen here, kindo. I often hunt bears during the beginning of winter. At the time most bears will starts to hibernate. They will be half asleep and letting their guard down. So what you gonna do is find a cave, the bigger of the cave the bigger the bear most likely would be. Then, you make a light "Woo woo" sound. If there is a respond of "Woo woo" coming from the cave, you find the source of the sound and fires at it, simple as that."
After that, the old bear hunter spend several months training the young man how to aim, how to find the source of sound in the dark. By the end of fall, the young man is already an expert hunter.
So, finally, today is the first time he will enter the forest and hunt a bear. He promised the old hunter that he will hunts a huge bear in order to repay his debt and he left.
But after three months, the young man never came back. The old hunter thought that the young man is ungrateful and didn't fulfill his promise.
So one day, while the old hunter is buying something in the marker. He saw the young man, his arm was fractured, and he was limping on crutches. He angrily confront the young man:"Why didn't you came back to see me?"
The young man was even angrier and he says:"You old fool, it was all because of you and your stupid hunting method that cause me this much injuries!“ The old hunter was confused, because every time he use it, it never fails, so he asked:"What is wrong with it?"
"After I entered the forests I quickly found a huge cave. So I did like you said, I stood outside and made a "Woo woo" sound into the cave. And I hear a "Woo woo" sound in respond."
"Yep, than you should shot it like I said!"
"But before I can even raise my gun, a freaking train came out of the cave!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aq044/a_young_man_went_to_a_bear_hunters_house/
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"When you wife asked you to buy her car, why did you buy her a diamond instead?"

"Because I couldn't find a fake car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5apy9h/when_you_wife_asked_you_to_buy_her_car_why_did/
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Why can Egyptian crocodiles never admit when they are wrong?

They're always in de Nile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5apwky/why_can_egyptian_crocodiles_never_admit_when_they/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aprvx/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aprou/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
3 women are sitting at a bar..

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
The brunette says, "I'm so tight, my husband can only fit 3 fingers in me."
The redhead says, "I'm so tight, *my* husband can only fit 1 finger in me!"
The blonde, meanwhile, slides down her stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aplyw/3_women_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
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What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aplp6/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
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They say having sex burns as many calories as running 5 miles

Who the fuck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5apkk0/they_say_having_sex_burns_as_many_calories_as/
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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it...

It's still fowl language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5apjke/if_your_phone_auto_corrects_fuck_to_duck_its_okay/
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Whats common between the world trade centres and genders?

There were once two but now they're too offensive to talk about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aphv5/whats_common_between_the_world_trade_centres_and/
%
I installed a pedometer app on my phone

But whichever direction I walk, I seem to be moving away from the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5apfny/i_installed_a_pedometer_app_on_my_phone/
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An old man has been standing in line at the pearly gates...

for so long, when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name for St. Peter to look up in the Big Book. Peter doesn't know what to do, so he gets Jesus to help him figure it out. Jesus says "Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory." The old man says "Well, I only had one child, a son." Jesus smiles and says "Heh, I was an only child too. Go on." The man says "I was a... some kind of wood-worker or carpenter... something like that." Jesus is like "Huh, that's another coincidence. Anything else you can remember?" The man shakes his head a bit and says "You may not believe this, but my son - he was brought to life through a miracle!" Jesus' jaw drops, he smiles, and tears comes to his eyes, "Father?!?" The old man's eyes open wide, "Pinocchio?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5apcmp/an_old_man_has_been_standing_in_line_at_the/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as a choir boy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ap8u0/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
If Trump wins the election

*Orange* is the new *Black*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ap6fz/if_trump_wins_the_election/
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What do you call a police officer that doesn't get out of bed?

An under cover cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ap6f1/what_do_you_call_a_police_officer_that_doesnt_get/
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What do you call a chicken looking at lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ap5t1/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_looking_at_lettuce/
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Why was the broom late?

because it overswept

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ap4j7/why_was_the_broom_late/
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At what age do you think it’s appropriate...

...to tell a highway it’s adopted?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ap2cy/at_what_age_do_you_think_its_appropriate/
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If the quiz made you a little quizzical, what is the test going to make you?

Really fucking confused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aoyli/if_the_quiz_made_you_a_little_quizzical_what_is/
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What is the difference between racism and asians?

Racism has many faces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aoxox/what_is_the_difference_between_racism_and_asians/
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I love dead baby jokes

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aovm9/i_love_dead_baby_jokes/
%
What do you call a pig sneak attack?

A Hambush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aos2o/what_do_you_call_a_pig_sneak_attack/
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A farmer once successfully bred a three-legged chicken...

and bragged about it to his neighbors on how fast it was. A billionaire was passing by and took a liking to it. So he made a million dollar offer to the farmer for the chicken. Surprisingly, the farmer declined.
'Then, I'll give you five million for it,' said the billionaire.
'Sorry, I can't,' said the farmer.
'10 million dollars, I don't believe you'll turn down the offer'
'I'm truly sorry. I can't.'
The billionaire was stumped and asked, 'Is 10 million not enough?'
The farmer only sighed and reply, 'It's not that I don't want to sell it, that darned chicken is literally too fast for me to catch it.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aoolb/a_farmer_once_successfully_bred_a_threelegged/
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How is a fat woman like a scooter?

She's fun to ride until your friends find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aonsd/how_is_a_fat_woman_like_a_scooter/
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Frank comes home late at night, drunk as hell...

Frank comes home late at night, drunk as hell, throws himself in bed and falls asleep. All of a sudden he stands in front of the pearly gates and St. Peter says: "See Frank, you died in your sleep." But Frank begs: "But why? I wanted to do so much still. Isn't there a way to get back?" St. Peter scratches his head and says: "Well, yeah, but you can come back only as a chicken." "Of course, do it!" And all of a sudden Frank is among a flock of chickens, and a rooster notices him. "You are new here, aren't you? How are you doing?" "Well, not bad, but I have a strange feeling down below." "Oh, those are probably eggs. Just push a bit, they come out and the feeling goes away." Moments later Frank lays his first egg. All joyful he pushes some more, out comes a second egg, third... All of a sudden someone shakes him and his wife yells: "Wake up, you drunk asshole, you are shitting in the bed!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aokk4/frank_comes_home_late_at_night_drunk_as_hell/
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A boy asks him mom about his name

Son: "Mom, why is my sister called Diamond?"
Mom: "That's easy, I named her after one of the two things I love the most in life."
Son: "What about my name?"
Mom: "That's enough questions for one day, Richard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aoehp/a_boy_asks_him_mom_about_his_name/
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A butt goes to an eyeglasses place.

He waits in line until the optometrist finally steps out and says "Sir, I will not be giving you an exam."
The butt is outraged: "Why not?!"
"Because hind-sight is always 20/20."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ao2az/a_butt_goes_to_an_eyeglasses_place/
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My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place...

My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked my daughter, square in the eyes and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ao1yn/my_tenmonthold_was_sitting_in_her_high_chair/
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Last night I was driving down an old country road when I hit a pedestrian going 50 mph. It seemed to take forever for help to arrive.

That's the last time I use that towing company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ao1jt/last_night_i_was_driving_down_an_old_country_road/
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What's the difference between erotic and kinky ?

Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use a whole chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5anvyc/whats_the_difference_between_erotic_and_kinky/
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What's the cheapest meat available?

Deer testicles, it's under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5anvwe/whats_the_cheapest_meat_available/
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I recently attended a funeral

And the procession was going up a steep hill on Main Street. Well all of a sudden the door of the hearst flew open and the coffin fell out. Since the road was so steep it flew back down Main street and into a pharmacy where it crashed into the counter. The lids popped open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5anvlj/i_recently_attended_a_funeral/
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Are you a hydroelectric source of power?

...cause dam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5anuww/are_you_a_hydroelectric_source_of_power/
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer.....

........ than the men who mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5anslk/a_recent_study_has_found_that_women_who_carry_a/
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A little girl and a little boy are arguing about differences between the sexes, he arguing that boys are inherently better and she that girls are.

The subject, of course, spills over into the personal realm, so that the real issue is which of the two children is superior. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”
The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is quite clearly true. She turns and runs home.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants, and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5anqms/a_little_girl_and_a_little_boy_are_arguing_about/
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"Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so fucking wet!, give it to me now!"

She can scream all she wants... I'm not giving her my umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5anpcg/give_it_to_me_she_yelled_im_so_fucking_wet_give/
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Today i learned that the average person has 8 sexual partners in their lifetime

Today i also learned im a whore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5anmsf/today_i_learned_that_the_average_person_has_8/
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None they just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5anm01/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

an impasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5anllo/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
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Why did Simba's dad die?

Because he didn't Muv-fasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ankcg/why_did_simbas_dad_die/
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When is a pepper annoying?

When it's jalapeño face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5anjuy/when_is_a_pepper_annoying/
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A guy dressed as a Chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg.

Apparently the answer is Chicken.
(Edit: Typo)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5anie5/a_guy_dressed_as_a_chicken_for_halloween_finds_a/
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What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Santa?

Santa stops at 3 'Ho's'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5anehd/whats_the_difference_between_bill_clinton_and/
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How did the homeless man get so buff?

Because his workouts were in tents.
I'll show myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5andc5/how_did_the_homeless_man_get_so_buff/
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The average person has sex 89 times a year

My December is going to be fucking sick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5anb4k/the_average_person_has_sex_89_times_a_year/
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I slept like a baby last night.

I pooped my pants and cried myself to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5an9vk/i_slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
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How do you turn a fox into a cow?

Get married to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5an99v/how_do_you_turn_a_fox_into_a_cow/
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Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5an8y7/why_dont_you_ever_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
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Why Can't America tell knock knock jokes?

Cause' freedom RINGS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5an63e/why_cant_america_tell_knock_knock_jokes/
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Shooting guns is a stupid hobby.

Its much easier and more cost efficient to shoot targets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5an1ll/shooting_guns_is_a_stupid_hobby/
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A dying man looks up into his wife's eyes and says, "Honey, before I go I have something I need to tell you."

To which she replies, "I already know, dear. That's why I poisoned you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5an1iu/a_dying_man_looks_up_into_his_wifes_eyes_and_says/
%
I once made an error in little league,

When I signed up to play.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5an0a9/i_once_made_an_error_in_little_league/
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If Math was a dick, I'd be gay.

Because I suck at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amzum/if_math_was_a_dick_id_be_gay/
%
What's the highest story of any building?

Floor 20

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amznt/whats_the_highest_story_of_any_building/
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"Titanic."

"What??"
&nbsp;
"Sorry, that wasn't a very good icebreaker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amy9o/titanic/
%
What do you call a Muslim abortion clinic?

counter terrorism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amvm7/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_abortion_clinic/
%
I told my dad to embrace his mistakes

He gave me a hug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amtzf/i_told_my_dad_to_embrace_his_mistakes/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amtga/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
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Two Friends on a Hunting Trip

I work as a park ranger, and this rather lengthy story was passed on to my by a buddy of mine.
Not so long ago two good friends from college decided to have a ten year reunion. One was a successful certified public accounted who lived in San Francisco. A rising star in his field, he invited his buddy to fly back to the States for a unique reunion trip. This friend was a fashion designer born, raised, and living in Prague, a Czechoslovakian.
The two friends boarded their respective planes, one from San Francisco International and the other from Prague and the two were reunited in Anchorage Alaska, ready to set out on a four day bear hunting expedition.
The two men had secured an all expenses paid expedition, every last detail minutely addressed. Hotels, back-country lodging, outfits, weapons, four by fours, everything down to the last bullet was there waiting as they caught a bush-plane flight into the interior of the state.
As with most hunts, there was paperwork to be filled out prior to delving into the woods, and the two friends pulled into the ranger station late one afternoon to sign the necessary forms. While doing so, they made small talk with the ranger who quickly realized the two city boys had never held a gun in their lives before, much less gone hunting.
Working an extra hour over time, he taught the men as much as he could about gun safety and hunting, and before signing off on the last form, pulled a map and told the men about his secret hunting spot some miles down a little used trail.
"Fellas, I've been here 20 years and it never fails that there are at least two griz in that clearing..."
The two men thanked him and headed off, ignoring the exasperated smile on the rangers face. Faced with two green as grass hunters, the old hand realized the two would be hard pressed to find his spot, and if they did, the trigger happy buddies would make short work of any scrawny black bear this did come across. Plus, he could charge them the cost of skinning the next day.
Late that night, the ranger was awoken by a awful pounding at his front door. Since he was next to the ranger station and 'on call'. he opened the door to find the CPA from California an absolute mess.
Blood streamed down his face, his clothing was torn, and between great sobs he managed to gasp out that a bear had attacked and eaten his friend.
A man eating bear was of great concern, so the ranger quickly packed his gear, grabbed his bear rifle, and headed off to the scene of the grizzly crime with the CPA.
On arrival, the two men found not one, but two griz, fast asleep in the early morning. One was a trophy male bear, easily one of the largest the ranger had ever seen. The other was a smaller, almost scrawny looking thing, far more commonly found in this part of the state. Around the two were scattered bits of tent, camping gear, food, and a few bloody bits of the poor fashion designer.
Asked to identify which bear had attacked and eaten his friend, the Californian was suddenly faced with a moral crisis. He was reasonably sure the smaller bear was the one that had devoured his buddy. Yet, the other bear was an amazing specimen, which would look great on the floor of his living room. A true trophy male...
"Ranger, I think it was the bigger one there."
Sure enough, the ranger set up, shot, and dispatched the bigger bear and the smaller one ran into the woods. The creature was opened up, and no human remains could be found.
And the moral of this story, my friends, is that you should never, ever, trust a CPA when he says the Czech is in the male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amtar/two_friends_on_a_hunting_trip/
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A blonde is at the diner

A blonde is at a diner and when the waitress comes to take the order, the blonde reads the name tag out loud:
'Debbie, how sweet.... what do you call the other one?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amrj7/a_blonde_is_at_the_diner/
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Love and Marriage?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies..
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.
'I would have been released today.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amqrr/love_and_marriage/
%
Psychology lecture

A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students: "Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage." With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.
"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.
"No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other line.
"You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like."
He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks.
"Hi, can Dave come to the phone?"
"I told you you have the wrong number"
"That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like"
He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks.
"Is Dave available?"
"LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER AND SHOVE THAT PHONE UP YOUR SMELLY ASS!!!!!!"
"You see, that's rage"
"Professor, you forgot the fourth stage" says a young man in the front rows.
"And what might that be?" asks the professor.
"It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate"
He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number.
"Hello, this is Dave, has somebody asked for me today?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amov0/psychology_lecture/
%
An Eskimo was driving through new Zealand

His car suddenly broke down after a small wait the mechanic told him "aw shut bro you've blown a seal" to which the Eskimo replies "shut up you fuck sheep"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amngc/an_eskimo_was_driving_through_new_zealand/
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A dad and his son go fishing

The dad pulls out a flask and starts to drink. "Can I have some?" Says his son. "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Replied the dad "no" the son said, sadly "then you can't have any whiskey" the dad then pulls out a pack of cigarettes. "Can I have one?" The son said again "can you dick touch your asshole?" "No" said the son "then you are too young for tobacco" the son then pulls out some M&Ms to snack on. "Can I have some?" Asked his dad "can your dick touch your asshole?" Replied the son "yes, it in fact can." "Then fuck yourself, because you aren't getting any of my M&Ms"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amjyn/a_dad_and_his_son_go_fishing/
%
Guy one: "Bro I missed the first world war..."

Guy two: "Don't worry man, they made a sequel"
Guy three: "I heard it bombed in Japan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amixs/guy_one_bro_i_missed_the_first_world_war/
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Wartime meeting

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking mustachioed piece of shit." It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a good servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. To which Stalin replies, "get him back here."
Two minutes later, Zhukov is back in the room facing Stalin.
"Comrade Zhukov," begins Stalin, "would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?"
"I said 'fucking mustachioed piece of shit' Comrade Stalin."
"And who were you talking about?
"I was talking about Hitler, Comrade Stalin."
Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev,
"And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did you think he was talking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ami80/wartime_meeting/
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What does wearing Crocs and getting your dick sucked by a dude I have in common?

They both feel really good but when you look down you know you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amh6b/what_does_wearing_crocs_and_getting_your_dick/
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I tried explaining to my girlfriend what the effects of network packet loss were.

I couldn't get the message across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amcs5/i_tried_explaining_to_my_girlfriend_what_the/
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Batman walks into a bar...

...Followed by 24 Sodium atoms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5amaqk/batman_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you get when you cross a snake with a plane?

A boeing constrictor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5am6db/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_snake_with_a/
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Women are just like computers...

They are always freezing for no reason and you need to replace them about every 3-5 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5am3wc/women_are_just_like_computers/
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A baker gets home from work.

He then says "Time to go to bread".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5am3um/a_baker_gets_home_from_work/
%
Did you guys see the movie about the hotdog?

It was an Oscar Wiener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5am3k0/did_you_guys_see_the_movie_about_the_hotdog/
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At first I didn't like having a beard

But then it grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5am364/at_first_i_didnt_like_having_a_beard/
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Three Roomates

A young woman had gotten into the habit of giving her husband a blowjob every night before bed. At first, it was for him, but after a couple months she realized she couldn't sleep without doing so. Then, one day, the husband was killed in a car crash on his way home from work. The wife was distraught. To make matters worse, she couldn't sleep at night. So, she snuck into the morgue and cut off her husbands member, and decided to mount it on her bedroom wall. Every night, she would suck it until satisfied and she felt sleepy. Well, her apartment building had thin walls, and the three college students nextdoor, Cody, Scott, and Tyrone, noticed the wierd sucking noise every night from their living room wall. After a few weeks of this, Cody decided to investigate. He climbed out on the fire escape and got a look through the window of the woman sucking a dick on the wall. Being a single college student, he was quite horny. He told his roomates about what he found out, and that night he cut a hole in the wall, took the husbands dick out, and stuck his through.
"You guys have to try this!" he told his roomates, "That was the best blowjob I've ever had! So, the next night, Scott stuck his dick through the wall. He agreed that it was incredible. Tyrone was concerned that it was a little weird, but after a couple days he couldn't help himself. He walked up to the wall, stuck his dick through, and waited. The wife walked up to the wall, looked at the dick, and groaned. "Great." she thought, "It's rotten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5alzb4/three_roomates/
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Sweet Potato Philosophy

"I think therefore I yam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5alzat/sweet_potato_philosophy/
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What do you call a clingy, moody scientist?

A dependent variable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5alz73/what_do_you_call_a_clingy_moody_scientist/
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How strange...

Last night my flatmate only popped out for milk wearing no make up and instead came back with 4 packets of Haribo, 4 fun size Snickers and a 'Best Costume' trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5alyh7/how_strange/
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What's the difference between Santa and a jew?

Santa goes down the chimney, the Jews go up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5alwjm/whats_the_difference_between_santa_and_a_jew/
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Why don't witches wear a flat cap?

There's no point to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5alwaq/why_dont_witches_wear_a_flat_cap/
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Did you hear about the new Vietnamese noodle / southern BBQ fusion restaurant?

It's called Pho-Q

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5alv52/did_you_hear_about_the_new_vietnamese_noodle/
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How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3/5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5altss/how_many_black_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Chris Brown dressed as Deadpool for Halloween and won a costume contest.

The runner up was a girl dressed like Rihanna, but he beat her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5altk1/chris_brown_dressed_as_deadpool_for_halloween_and/
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Why did the black man cross the road?

Black men always follow the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5alshy/why_did_the_black_man_cross_the_road/
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I saw a sign that said "watch for kids"...

Sounds like a fair trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5alrnn/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_watch_for_kids/
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Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?

All that was left was da brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5alqdo/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_factory_explosion/
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I have bathed in the blood of virgins!

I had a nosebleed in the shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5alpau/i_have_bathed_in_the_blood_of_virgins/
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A guy spots a sign outside a house that says "Talking Dog For Sale"

Intrigued, he walks in.
"So, tell me something about your life mr dog" he asks the dog.
"I've lived a very full life" he answered. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. I served my country in Iraq with a purple heart. And now i spend my days in tranquility reading to residents of a retirement home"
The guy is confused, surprised.
"Why on earth would your owner sells you?"
Owner comes up and say
"Because he's a liar!, he never fucking did any of that"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5all4m/a_guy_spots_a_sign_outside_a_house_that_says/
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I tried to put two apples together

But then I got a pear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5alh11/i_tried_to_put_two_apples_together/
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What does one say when they see three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well... what have we here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5algm9/what_does_one_say_when_they_see_three_holes_in/
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My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight....

The viewing is at 7pm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aleo2/my_wife_is_actually_mad_at_me_for_being_so/
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An old man has finally retired and just bought a new sports car...

As he leaves the dealership and pulls onto the interstate, he begins to accelerate. As he passes 80mph he passes a highway patrol. The lights instantly come on. He puts the accelerator to the floor and speeds up,  90, 110, 120mph...
He finally let's off and asks himself what he's doing as he pulls over to the side of the road. The highway patrolman walks up and says "Sir, it's the end of my shift, I'm tired and bored. If you can come up with a good reason for speeding and trying to out run me, I'll let you go."
The old man thinks for a second, tears welling in his eyes "Well officer, you see... my wife left me 25 years ago for a highway patrolman not unlike yourself... I thought you were bringing her back."
The officer tips his hat and says "Have a nice day, sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aleh2/an_old_man_has_finally_retired_and_just_bought_a/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my life

I'd have *n* dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5albe6/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_ive_used_algebra/
%
Went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.

It was a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5alay9/went_to_a_zoo_that_only_had_a_dog_in_it/
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My brother lost his eyesight in a motorboating accident.

Her nipples were pierced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5al8g8/my_brother_lost_his_eyesight_in_a_motorboating/
%
A snake walks into a bar

and the bartender says "How did you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5al86x/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I was sitting in traffic the other day…

and I got run over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5al7ml/i_was_sitting_in_traffic_the_other_day/
%
My new girlfriend says she has a water fetish

apparently it gets her wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5al650/my_new_girlfriend_says_she_has_a_water_fetish/
%
Pi compliment

Wow, you look radian today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5al5xv/pi_compliment/
%
A man goes to his girlfriend's parents house for Thanksgiving.

Hes really nervous. This is his first time meeting her family and he's not sure what to expect. In fact, he's so nervous that it's giving him gas.
Now, sitting there watching tv in the family room isn't bad because the the football game is on and it's kind of loud and of course their big old dog Harold is licking his balls and Everyone can hear that. It's not bad, because he can sit there and fart into the couch. No one hears a thing.
Until everybody gets called into the dining room.
By now he's not as nervous as he sits across from his girlfriend, he's not as nervous when he takes a big helping of mashed potatoes, he's not as nervous when the dog moves under the table to continue licking his balls, BUT he still has gas.
After a while he just can't hold it in anymore and to his horror the fart comes out with enough force to rattle the silverware.
Nobody says anything for a moment.
"HAROLD!" The mom yells. "Get out of there."
The dog slowly go back to the living room.
He is amazed as everybody goes back to eating and talking, they think the dog did it.
A little while later he feels another one coming, bigger than the first. He looks around and realizes the dog is back under the table licking it's balls.
So he relaxes and lets the gas go.
This one shakes the table so hard some of the silverware falls off.
Everyone is quiet.
Then, "HAROLD, get out of there!"
The dog obediently goes back to the living room.
20 minutes pass and they are about to start on dessert when he feels the mother of all farts trying to punch its way through his colon.
YES! A quick glance confirms the dog is back under the table!
Feeling confident he just lets it free.
It shakes the silverware.
It shakes the table.
It shakes the windows.
And suddenly everything is quiet. Until.
"DAMMIT, HAROLD. Get out from under that table right now before he shits on you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5al3yz/a_man_goes_to_his_girlfriends_parents_house_for/
%
The chinese dierector

A chinese movie crew was preparing  for a movie.
The dierector was Phill Ming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5al318/the_chinese_dierector/
%
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5al285/a_mormon_was_seated_next_to_an_irishman_on_a/
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My friend, Damian, is crazy for apple products

He's a macadamian nut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5al20n/my_friend_damian_is_crazy_for_apple_products/
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I feel for Hillary Clinton

The FBI found a server in my basement too. She was from Hooters I think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5al1s9/i_feel_for_hillary_clinton/
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Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night........

.......... should have put it on aloha heat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5al0g7/burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_last_night/
%
How many South American people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A Brazilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5akykt/how_many_south_american_people_does_it_take_to/
%
If it's illegal for clowns to walk around town...

Then why can they run for president?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aky3k/if_its_illegal_for_clowns_to_walk_around_town/
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Had to go to work looking scruffy today...

My stupid kid didn't get any razorblades in his Halloween candy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5akwbm/had_to_go_to_work_looking_scruffy_today/
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Ever hear the joke Jesus made right before he was crucified?

I heard he nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aksxg/ever_hear_the_joke_jesus_made_right_before_he_was/
%
I was laying in bed last night with my wife

And I asked her, "How about a blowjob? It's been awhile?"
She replied, "No."
I got up out of bed and started putting clothes on.
As I grabbed my coat and prepared to step out of the bedroom she stopped me and said, "Where do you think you are going?"
"Well, last month when the vacuum stopped sucking, we went to the store to pick up a new one.  So I guess tonite I'm going wife shopping."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5akqzi/i_was_laying_in_bed_last_night_with_my_wife/
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Did you hear the one about the Scottish guy who loved haggis?

It was offal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5akpxi/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_scottish_guy_who/
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Some sad news from Australia…

the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5akpfe/some_sad_news_from_australia/
%
An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5akosx/an_angel_appears_to_the_head_of_a_philosophy/
%
"Cash or Debit?"

"Did you just assume my tender?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aknth/cash_or_debit/
%
Migraines don't exist.

It's all in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5akn38/migraines_dont_exist/
%
Why did the introvert polish his shoes regularly?

So he could look at others' faces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5akm2o/why_did_the_introvert_polish_his_shoes_regularly/
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A Man walks into the Doctor's Office...

He tells the doctor he is in pain. He keeps touching every part of his body and says that no matter where he touches himself he feels pain.
The doctor tells him: "You broke your finger"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5akjwm/a_man_walks_into_the_doctors_office/
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You know what Forest Gumps WiFi password is?

1Forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5akizo/you_know_what_forest_gumps_wifi_password_is/
%
A guy buys a new bike...

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of petroleum jelly with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off."
The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family.
"I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes."
The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.
Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.
The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.
The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought...." Then he gets another idea.
Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother, throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.
The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep.
The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. His mother, beaming, also sits back down. He takes a gander out the window, and notices it has started raining cats and dogs. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.
The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of petroleum jelly.
The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5akg9u/a_guy_buys_a_new_bike/
%
I recently turned 18 and got an eye test

Kind of bummed I didn't get adult super vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5akeat/i_recently_turned_18_and_got_an_eye_test/
%
Why did the man get a job as a horse handler?

He wanted stable employment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5akcm8/why_did_the_man_get_a_job_as_a_horse_handler/
%
What's the square root of 69?

ate something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5akaj8/whats_the_square_root_of_69/
%
Little Johnny strikes again

The teacher came up to johnny's desk and asked can you tell me what seperates you from a monkey.
Johnny said with confidence "the desk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ak9z9/little_johnny_strikes_again/
%
Hillary Clinton is a strong woman who doesn't need Bill.

Besides, the FBI has been fingering her for a while now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ak9cz/hillary_clinton_is_a_strong_woman_who_doesnt_need/
%
A woman was robbed...

...but upon coming home she discovered that nothing was stolen apart from her lightbulbs.
She was delighted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ak56f/a_woman_was_robbed/
%
Lie Competition

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog.   Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.
One of the boys replied,  This dog is an old neighborhood stray.   We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ak161/lie_competition/
%
that awkward feeling. when you are sitting on the toilet and forgot to lock the door and your boss walks in...

and your pants are up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ak0lc/that_awkward_feeling_when_you_are_sitting_on_the/
%
Beautiful Nun

On a cross country train trip, a middle aged man decided to sit next to a beautiful young nun.
She sat reading her bible, and as time went by, the man got bored. He was hoping to start a conversation with the nun, but didn't know how or where to start. Then he put his hand on the nun's lap and she blushed.
With just a little bit of anger she said, "Dear sir, do you believe in God?"
He said he did.
"Have you read the Bible? You know it is wrong to put your hand on my lap. Perhaps you should go home and read line 23 on page 157."
So the man sat quietly to himself for the remainder of the trip.
The next day, while in his hotel room, he got out the Bible and he turned to page 157. Line 23 read: "Heaven is a little bit higher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ak0bo/beautiful_nun/
%
Typical White Man

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something,  then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajzw8/typical_white_man/
%
Stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies,  "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says,   "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs,   "Oh,   Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajyqa/stranded_irishman/
%
A white man is on vacation in Jamaica...

He is using a public restroom to take a leak when a Jamaican local begins to use the urinal beside him. The white man had always heard rumors of how big Jamaicans' dicks are, so he sneaks a glance to find out if it's true. He sees that the Jamaican has the letters "HY" tattooed on his penis.
"Excuse me, sir, I'm sorry if this is weird but I noticed you have "HY" tattooed on your penis.... I do, too! Only when I get hard mine says
HOWDY
Is that what yours says as well?" The Jamaican replies, "No, man! When I get hard mine says
HELLOANDWELCOMETOJAMAICAHAVEANICEDAY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajwpk/a_white_man_is_on_vacation_in_jamaica/
%
A Jew goes up a ladder.

As he reaches the top a pound coin falls from his pocket.
He climbed down to retrieve it and the coin hit him on the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajury/a_jew_goes_up_a_ladder/
%
I just invented a new word.

'Plagiarism'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajufv/i_just_invented_a_new_word/
%
Theres 365 days until halloween

and people ALREADY have their decorations up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajso1/theres_365_days_until_halloween/
%
A kid came to my door last night for trick-or-treat dressed as a pirate...

I asked him, "where are your buckaneers?"
He replied, "on the side of my buck'en head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajsdd/a_kid_came_to_my_door_last_night_for_trickortreat/
%
Alabama Vasectomy

One day a man from Alabama was arguing with his wife and she wanted him to get a vasectomy. So he reluctantly went to the doctor and upon hearing the cost $6500. He said he isn't paying that as he could buy a used fishing boat for that price.  So he went to another doctor hoping to get a lower price and was told the same thing, as he was leaving the doctor noticed he lived in Alabama and offer him a $15 dollar solution.
He was told to buy a m80 light it and place it in a styrofoam cup.
And count to ten.
So he went and bought the m80 and some cups.  Lit the m80 and starting counting to ten. He got to five and put the cup between his legs and continued counting to ten......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajqmb/alabama_vasectomy/
%
Which Marvel superhero is transgender?

Ironman, he's a Fe male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajoqe/which_marvel_superhero_is_transgender/
%
A Dad tells his son he is adopted...

Dad: I wanted to let you know you were adopted.
Son: Your kidding right?
Dad: Nope, they'll be picking you up in about an hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajo9a/a_dad_tells_his_son_he_is_adopted/
%
My check engine light just turned on.

I opened up the hood and the engine is still there.  Thankfully everything is fine, but I was worried for a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajlel/my_check_engine_light_just_turned_on/
%
Where do Muslim people go when they die?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajl0h/where_do_muslim_people_go_when_they_die/
%
And the Lord said to John, 'Come forth, and you will receive eternal life'

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajkhv/and_the_lord_said_to_john_come_forth_and_you_will/
%
How do we know that the toothbrush was invented in Mississippi?

Because anywhere else it would've been called the teethbrush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aji4r/how_do_we_know_that_the_toothbrush_was_invented/
%
What's a Mad Cow's favorite rap song?

MOO! Bitch, get out the way... Get out the way... Get out the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajhn8/whats_a_mad_cows_favorite_rap_song/
%
If your Uncle was an animal, what one would he be?

An Aunt-eater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajgvy/if_your_uncle_was_an_animal_what_one_would_he_be/
%
My wife slapped me when I told her I'm buying her a puppy for Christmas.

I thought she'd be excited to hear that she's getting a little husky...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ajdjc/my_wife_slapped_me_when_i_told_her_im_buying_her/
%
Life is long and for one to live, one must find one fuck to give.

Life is long
and for one to live,
one must find
one fuck to give.
Some days life's good
some days it sucks,
yet I still remain
with zero fucks.
I've searched and searched
then searched some more,
til every place
had been explored
Looked high and low
looked up and down,
and still there were
no fucks to be found
From the deepest oceans
to the mountains peak,
form the coldest winds
to the warmest heat
Took trains and took planes
then walked down the street,
looked under my hat
and below my feet.
Not a fuck to give
not a fuck to lend,
not a fuck to sell
not a fuck to spend.
Not 4 or 3
not 2 or 1,
when it comes to fucks
I'm left with none.
Looked left, looked right
looked all around,
and once again
no fuck was found.
I may just spend
every day I live,
trying to find
one fuck to give.
But don't you get
your hopes to high,
for Ive lost the will
to even try.
And I'm willing to bet
one million bucks,
that I will die
with zero fucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aj8p7/life_is_long_and_for_one_to_live_one_must_find/
%
A woman comes home to find her husband cheating on her with another woman.

In a fit of rage, she runs to kitchen, grabs a steak knife, and cuts off her husband's member.
Still in a fury, she grabs her husband's cock and the keys to his Ferrari and begins zooming down the freeway at top speed.  To make sure there's no chance her husband will ever have it reattached, she hurls the penis out the window.
The penis slams into the windshield of an oncoming car driven by a father taking his daughter to her grandma's house.  The penis slaps against the windshield with a loud thud and bounces off into the side of the freeway.
The man's daughter, alarmed, says, "Daddy, what was that?!!"  The man, not wanting his daughter to be exposed to such gruesome horror, tells his daughter, "It was just a bug sweetie, nothing major."
The daughter's mouth practically drops to the floor and she exclaims, "Wow, that sure was a big dick for such a tiny little bug!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aj6pr/a_woman_comes_home_to_find_her_husband_cheating/
%
Punchline in title

What do you call a queue of boxers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aj5h4/punchline_in_title/
%
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aj4fz/a_cop_pulls_a_car_over_for_going_20_mph_on_the/
%
Why can't people stop buying Apples new Mac Books?

Because theres no escape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aj4bk/why_cant_people_stop_buying_apples_new_mac_books/
%
My marriage counselor asked me to think of something me and my wife have in common....

I said, "Well, we both refuse to suck dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aj0bw/my_marriage_counselor_asked_me_to_think_of/
%
What do you get from pampering your cow?

Spoiled milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aj006/what_do_you_get_from_pampering_your_cow/
%
A man walks into a bar and sits at a table.

He tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still serving breakfast?" She says yes. "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kind of  stuff in here!" The man responds, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aiukk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_at_a_table/
%
I love it when a girl takes control.

Birth control specifically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aitkr/i_love_it_when_a_girl_takes_control/
%
What do you call it when a doctor gives up halfway through an abortion?

A portion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aisut/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_doctor_gives_up/
%
I've had enough of my wife.

Thought the bloated cannibal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5airwa/ive_had_enough_of_my_wife/
%
We saw, we came

And we were told to get out of the girls' locker room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5airw0/we_saw_we_came/
%
My bartender offered me a new drink last night called a "Sandy."

It's a watered-down Manhattan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5airga/my_bartender_offered_me_a_new_drink_last_night/
%
As a brown person in the US...

People would yell at me to get out of their country and I would get offended and feel attacked.
After election 2016, I just reply, "thanks for the concern! You should too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aiob9/as_a_brown_person_in_the_us/
%
What's the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ainet/whats_the_definition_of_trust/
%
Job interview

Interviewer: What is your greatest weakness?
Me: I'm brutally honest.
Interviewer: I don't think it's a weakness at all.
Me: I don't give a fuck what you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aimmi/job_interview/
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What do you say to get the attention of a gold bar?

"AU"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ailrh/what_do_you_say_to_get_the_attention_of_a_gold_bar/
%
Two blondes are having a conversation...

Do you know that the black box of an airplane is actually orange!
The other respond:
OMG! So, it's not a box?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aikj7/two_blondes_are_having_a_conversation/
%
Clean: How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, place a bunch of peas in that hole, and when a polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him right in the ice hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aijki/clean_how_do_you_catch_a_polar_bear/
%
I asked a friend of mine from New Zealand how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting, but he fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aij6g/i_asked_a_friend_of_mine_from_new_zealand_how/
%
How are a grenade and a girlfriend similar?

If they're good ones, they'll both blow really well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aigml/how_are_a_grenade_and_a_girlfriend_similar/
%
The FBI, Interpol and Mumbai police are having a competition as to who is the best detective squad.

The test is simple. They leave a rabbit into the woods and the team who finds the rabbit in the fastest time wins.
Interpol goes first. They go into the forest, hunt for clues, interrogate the animals, set a trap for the rabbit at its favorite watering hole and within a month, they have captured the rabbit!
FBI goes in next. They look for clues for a couple of days, then burn down the entire forest and bring back the charred remains of the rabbit on the third day!
Mumbai police goes after that. In a few hours they come back with a brutally beaten and bloody bear who is shouting "Alright! I'm a rabbit! I'm a fucking rabbit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aiegg/the_fbi_interpol_and_mumbai_police_are_having_a/
%
My wife said I’m an idiot who can’t do the simplest of things right

So I packed her bags and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aibj9/my_wife_said_im_an_idiot_who_cant_do_the_simplest/
%
A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day...

He discovered he was a tad Polish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aibg4/a_frog_decided_to_trace_his_genealogy_one_day/
%
A preacher, priest and rabbi walk into a bar...

They sit down and have a chat. Eventually they begin to discuss how they manage their living expenses.
The preacher says "On Sundays we have a collection. At the end of the day, I draw a line on the floor and throw all the money in the air. Whatever lands on the other side of the line is for the church and whatever lands on my side I keep."
The priest says, "Oh, I do something very similar except I draw a circle. I throw the money in the air, whatever lands in the circle belongs to the church and whatever lands outside of it I keep."
The rabbi says, "Oh, I do something very similar as well. I take the money and throw it in the air, whatever God wants he takes and whatever falls back down is mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aiaho/a_preacher_priest_and_rabbi_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I hate it when you hold the door open for people

And all they can say is, "Oh fucking hell, I can see you having a shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ai9zd/i_hate_it_when_you_hold_the_door_open_for_people/
%
Have you guys heard of the joke about the electric chair?

It's shocking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ai9mq/have_you_guys_heard_of_the_joke_about_the/
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The reverse gear on our car stopped working, so my wife and I took it to a garage.

Moving forward we should be fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ai9ec/the_reverse_gear_on_our_car_stopped_working_so_my/
%
My family is getting worried about my consumption of deli meats, and I'm not sure what to do...

They're trying to pressure me into quitting cold turkey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ai62i/my_family_is_getting_worried_about_my_consumption/
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Interviewer: What's your strength?

Candidate: I fall in love easily.
Interviewer: What's your weakness?
Candidate: Those blue eyes of yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ai3l4/interviewer_whats_your_strength/
%
What's an ants favourite collectible item

Antiques

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ahzz4/whats_an_ants_favourite_collectible_item/
%
Girl, are you Sodium Hydroxide?

cause you basic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ahzkw/girl_are_you_sodium_hydroxide/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as a choirboy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ahylv/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
What do you call a women that catches fish?

Annette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ahxn4/what_do_you_call_a_women_that_catches_fish/
%
I went as a congressional bill for Halloween....

I stayed in the House and didn't do anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ahxbz/i_went_as_a_congressional_bill_for_halloween/
%
I used to be addicted to soap...

I'm clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aht8u/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
I saw a woman in the supermarket pick up her kids by the hair

Certainly raised a few eyebrows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ahrra/i_saw_a_woman_in_the_supermarket_pick_up_her_kids/
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My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality

I don't know what that means, but must be pretty good if I've got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ahmx8/my_psychiatrist_said_i_have_a_narcissistic/
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On November 9th...

Me: "I guess President Hillary Clinton is with VP Tim Kaine now. And both feeling pretty high.  You could say she's ....co-Kaine!  Hahah!"
Wife:  "Trump won."
Me: "Shit..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ahlr1/on_november_9th/
%
Team work is important,

it helps to put the blame on someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ahli1/team_work_is_important/
%
Why did the ghost go into rehab?

He had a problem with boos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ahkix/why_did_the_ghost_go_into_rehab/
%
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen.
“What are you doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ahj2q/after_trickortreating_a_teen_takes_a_shortcut/
%
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ahihd/my_girlfriend_yelled_at_me_today_saying_you/
%
I like my coffee how I like my women....

Ground up and in the freezer.
Edit - happy Halloween!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ah8uf/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
%
I don't trust stairs.

They're always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ah6vq/i_dont_trust_stairs/
%
A true story about the time I got caught speeding

This is the story of the time I was pulled over for doing almost 70 in a construction area, where the speed limit had been reduced to 55.
So I pulled over right away because I'm white and a man with a mustache that only a cop would grow, swung a leg dramatically over his motorcycle and walked up to my passenger window. He leaned into my car and with the smugness if a chess master announcing checkmate he asked me, "Do you know why I pulled you over, son?"
Of course I did, but who am I to steal an old man's thunder? "Why did you pull me over?" I ask.
"My radar gun saw you doing 69 back there, were you aware this is a construction zone?"
"Yes I was, but I think your gun might be broken."
"No way, it was calibrated this morning."
"Well sir," I said, returning his smug grin, "you said your gun saw me doing 69, but you can clearly see I'm alone in here."
He let me go with a warning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ah6es/a_true_story_about_the_time_i_got_caught_speeding/
%
If this Hillary case blows up...

It will be the second time a weiner has ruined the presidency for a Clinton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ah5qi/if_this_hillary_case_blows_up/
%
What does Pong and WW1 have in common?

It's not about strategy, but endurance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5agx8b/what_does_pong_and_ww1_have_in_common/
%
What did Blackbeard say to the girl who was dressed as a sexy pirate for Halloween?

"Land Hoe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5agvjv/what_did_blackbeard_say_to_the_girl_who_was/
%
What's the best thing about blow job?

5 minutes' silence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5agu48/whats_the_best_thing_about_blow_job/
%
A pencil stands face to face against his nemesis, Paper. Will our hero find the strength he needs to overcome his greatest foe?!

2B continued...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ago6s/a_pencil_stands_face_to_face_against_his_nemesis/
%
What do you call Halloween for feminists?

Triggertreat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5agm9m/what_do_you_call_halloween_for_feminists/
%
My wife has the body of a 16 year old

She keeps it in the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5agh6s/my_wife_has_the_body_of_a_16_year_old/
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There was a young pregnant woman...

...and her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.
So everyday, she would gently rub her belly whilst repeating the line, "Be polite. Be polite."
But a strange thing happened.
After 9 months, the baby showed no signs of coming out.
After a year the woman was still pregnant, and she still kept up the practice of gently rubbing her belly and saying, "Be polite. Be polite."
The woman`s pregnancy continued and continued.
It lasted years.
She refused to let doctors check out the situation with ultrasound and she refused to listen to any advice that they tried to give her.
But all the while she continued to gently rub her belly and say,"Be polite. Be polite."
She finally died at the age of 80 without giving birth.
The mystery of the unborn baby was finally solved when doctors finally opened her up.
Inside her womb were two little men with long white beards saying to each other, "No, my friend. I must insist. After you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aggpa/there_was_a_young_pregnant_woman/
%
I'm changing my name to Ceed.

Because all girls want to succeed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5agful/im_changing_my_name_to_ceed/
%
After the invention of digital watches, the Swiss were in quite a bind...

Faced with what seemed like an existential threat to their national watch manufacturers, the Swiss Government send out pamphlets to foreign and domestic watch owners, asking them to sign up if they were interested in buying mechanical watches as gifts or fashion statements. Unfortunately, no one signed up. The Swiss were mystified, until they realized their mistake:
No one wants to be on a government watch list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5agajt/after_the_invention_of_digital_watches_the_swiss/
%
How many Buddhists does it take to screw a light bulb?

None. They believe that the enlightenment comes from within.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5agadl/how_many_buddhists_does_it_take_to_screw_a_light/
%
King Solomon's Judgement

Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting. "My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry HER daughter!" one of them yelled.
"There is a simple solution," said the King. "I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece."
"Fine by me!" said the first woman. "No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!" cried the second.
The King didn't hesitate for a minute. "Fine." he said. "The first woman my have him."
"What?" protested the other? "She wanted him cut in two!"   "Indeed." said the king. "She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aga01/king_solomons_judgement/
%
Fifty Dollar Parrot

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.   "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner replied, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought,   "That's not so bad."   When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Robert, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Robert."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ag9t0/fifty_dollar_parrot/
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Woman always call me ugly until I tell them how much money I earn

Then they call me both ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ag4j6/woman_always_call_me_ugly_until_i_tell_them_how/
%
This Election Day will be like a dinner date with Bill Cosby.

When you wake up, you just know something bad happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ag3rx/this_election_day_will_be_like_a_dinner_date_with/
%
My girlfriend and I are always laughing about how competitive we are.

I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ag3li/my_girlfriend_and_i_are_always_laughing_about_how/
%
I cheated on my girlfriend once

We were playing monopoly and while she wasn't looking I took some of her money. Then I went upstairs and fucked her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ag2n4/i_cheated_on_my_girlfriend_once/
%
A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish.
The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."
The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happened, and his friend replied, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ag2h8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Never leave Sulfuric Acid in a metal beaker

That's an oxidant waiting to happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ag18z/never_leave_sulfuric_acid_in_a_metal_beaker/
%
My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school.

She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ag13v/my_grandmother_86_years_old_just_entered_medical/
%
Two wolves are chasing a Golden Retriever through the forest.

After an hour, the first wolf says to the second wolf, "Ain't this a bitch?"
To which the second wolf responds, "It had better be".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ag0at/two_wolves_are_chasing_a_golden_retriever_through/
%
My friend told me everytime he goes to this sub he finds new hilarious jokes

I was surprised at first, but then I remembered he has a short-term memory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aftxy/my_friend_told_me_everytime_he_goes_to_this_sub/
%
A little girl realized

that she has grown hair between her legs. She got worried & asked her mum about the hair. Her mum calmly said" that part where the hair has grown is called MONKEY, Be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled. At Dinner she told her sister "my Monkey has grown hair" her sister smiled and said "thats nothing, mine is already eating bananas."      ( Mum fainted) LOL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aft86/a_little_girl_realized/
%
A man is walking home

alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
Clappity-BUMP...
Clappity-BUMP..
Clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and...
...
....
....
....
....
....
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)...
....
....
....
....
...
....
....
The coffin stops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5afqzj/a_man_is_walking_home/
%
So a bar walks into a physicist...

Shoot; wrong frame of reference...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5afmc4/so_a_bar_walks_into_a_physicist/
%
A Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.

He starts the stop by asking the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5afhap/a_highway_patrol_officer_stops_a_harley_for/
%
I have no home. I've got no control. There's no escape.

I should probably look into getting a new keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5afefl/i_have_no_home_ive_got_no_control_theres_no_escape/
%
I don't know how to feel about abortions.

On the one hand you get to kill a kid. On the other, it gives women a choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5afd8p/i_dont_know_how_to_feel_about_abortions/
%
Art Gallery Nudes

A couple at an art gallery see a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
She asks, "What are you waiting for?"
He replies, "Autumn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5af912/art_gallery_nudes/
%
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 is Dec 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5af8a5/why_do_programmers_always_mix_up_halloween_and/
%
[Long]A man is having terrible headaches

So a man is having terrible headaches. These have been going on for years –and they just keep getting worse. When the headaches strike the poor man can’t work, he can’t sleep, he can’t bare light or sounds or even touch. The poor guy sees doctor after doctor and tries every therapy from yoga to prescription pain killers . . . nothing helps.
Finally the man hears of special clinic in Switzerland. He makes an appointment, flies to Switzerland, sees the doctor and gets examined up and down . . . they touch him, poke him, scan him . . . . they give him reflex tests and gagging tests and neurological tests and tests he has no idea what the purpose is. Finally, the doctor comes to him and says, “We have good news and bad news.” The man, thinking he must have a brain tumor or cancer responds, “Just tell me doc, what’s the bad news? How long do I got?”
“No, you don’t understand,” the doctor says, “we can cure your headaches.” “You can!” the man exclaims, “that’s the best news in the world!!” But the doctor goes on, “to cure you, we need to castrate you.”
The patient reflexively covers his genitals and says that he has to think about this. He flies home, but it is no use. The headaches are worse than ever. He can’t eat, he can’t sleep – he can’t have sex. Finally he calls the clinic and arranges for the procedure.
The operation is a success. The man recuperates in Switzerland for a few weeks and prepares to go home. On his last day in the country he wanders into a small tailor shop and orders a custom suite to celebrate his new, pain free life. The tailor, an old Jewish guy measures his waist and chest, his arms and neck and wrists, his inseam and his outseam, everything . . . finally, after all the measurements, the tailor asks, a little delicately, “Which way do you hang?” “What?” the man asks, “What do you mean?”
“Your testicles – do you let then hang on the left or the right?”
“Oh, I had them surgically removed.”
“I’m sorry, but before that, how did your tailor do your suites?”
“One on either side,” the man replied.
“Really!” Exclaimed the tailor, “You must have had terrible headaches”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5af89c/longa_man_is_having_terrible_headaches/
%
Why does Kylo Ren never get the girls?

Because for his whole life, he's Ben Solo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5af53r/why_does_kylo_ren_never_get_the_girls/
%
I just invented a new word.

'Plagiarism'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5af4jt/i_just_invented_a_new_word/
%
What's sexier than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an  organ!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aez47/whats_sexier_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
My friend David lost his ID recently.

Now we just call him Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aew7q/my_friend_david_lost_his_id_recently/
%
Reddit, you have just robbed a bank of $40 million. The police know what you look like, but you have a clean history, so you can use the money to help you escape. What do you do?

Please respond quickly, this is urgent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aeuzu/reddit_you_have_just_robbed_a_bank_of_40_million/
%
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken, and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg. Things happened but in the end, we answered a life-long question...

The chicken came first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aeuly/i_went_to_a_halloween_party_dressed_as_a_chicken/
%
How to seduce a fat chick?

Piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aetwa/how_to_seduce_a_fat_chick/
%
A man pulls his van up to a playground and spots a kid playing on the swings.

"Hey boy! Hey! I got a question for you." He waves the boy over with an enthusiastic grin.
The boy runs up to the van but is still a good six feet away.
"Hey boy! If I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"
The kid takes a second to ponder the offer and says, "Shit, if you give me the whole bag I'll come in your mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aes23/a_man_pulls_his_van_up_to_a_playground_and_spots/
%
Three vampires walk into a bar...

The first one orders a Bloody Mary.
The second one orders a Blood and Sand.
The third one asks only for a cup of hot water.
Upon sitting down, the first two vampires inquire about the third vampires drink.
The third vampire reaches into his breast pocket, pulls out a used tampon and says:
"I'm having tea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aeokx/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How do you make a Muslim's phone explode?

Set it to airplane mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aeni9/how_do_you_make_a_muslims_phone_explode/
%
Girlfriend Detective

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aen48/girlfriend_detective/
%
I knew someone had added dirt to my garden.

And so, the plot thickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aeltx/i_knew_someone_had_added_dirt_to_my_garden/
%
Guy comes across an American Indian.

Indian has his ear to the ground and says  “White Chevy Tahoe.  Four door. License plate XPV 14785.  Has a Coexist bumper sticker.”
Guy; very impressed says “wow, you can get all that information just from listening to the ground.”
Indian “no you dumb ass, that’s what the asshole that hit me was driving.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aekis/guy_comes_across_an_american_indian/
%
Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aejgo/two_priests_are_out_driving_one_day/
%
What did the school in Egypt finally get?

A new bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aee0y/what_did_the_school_in_egypt_finally_get/
%
What do you call colorful secret police?

The RGB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aecap/what_do_you_call_colorful_secret_police/
%
To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you...

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aeajb/to_whomever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i/
%
I had to stop catering to fat people in the video games I design

They consume the content *way* too fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ae97b/i_had_to_stop_catering_to_fat_people_in_the_video/
%
A kid walks in on his parents taking a shower...

He hears them saying to one another: "Honey, you have big balls." "Babe, you have big tits".
The boy asks, "Mom, dad, what are tits and balls?"
His parents reply, "Oh, uhhh... that's just another way of saying hats and scarves, now go play." So the kid goes off to play.
Later, he walks into the kitchen and overhears his parents arguing: "Shut up you stupid bitch!" "Go to hell you bastard!"
The kid asks, "Mom, dad, what do bitch and bastard mean?"
To which his parents reply, "Oh, uhhh... that's just another way of saying boys and girls. Now run along and play." So the boy goes off to play.
The next day, his family is preparing for thanksgiving dinner. The boy walks into the dining room where his dad is munching on some candy corn. His dad accidentally bites his tongue and yells "shit!"
The boy asks, "Dad, what does shit mean?"
To which his dad replies, "Oh, uhhh... that's just another way of saying candy corn. Now go see what your mother is up to."
The dad takes another handful of candy corn and proceeds to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. Meanwhile, the boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is carving the turkey. However, as he walks in she accidentally cuts herself and yells "fuck!"
The boy asks, "Mom, what does fuck mean?"
To which the mother replies, "Oh, uhhh... that's just another way of saying carve or cut." Just then, the doorbell rings. "Ah, that must be your grandparents." says the mother. "Be a good boy and go answer the door for mommy."
So the boy runs into the living room. As he opens the door, he greets his grandparents: "Hi, bitches and bastards. Hang your tits and balls on the coat rack. Dad is in the bathroom eating shit and mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
NOTE: Heard this one when I was 10 y/o. Boy was the 90's a weird time to live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ae8n2/a_kid_walks_in_on_his_parents_taking_a_shower/
%
Why is 2 dimensional soda not popular?

Because it's always flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ae7hk/why_is_2_dimensional_soda_not_popular/
%
A fortune teller walks up to a boy on the street.

“Hey, I have a joke for you,” she says.
The boy shrugs. “Ok.”
The fortune teller smiles.
“Cancer,” she says.
“Cancer?” the boy asks. He frowns. “If that’s your joke, I don’t get it.”
“Don’t worry,” the fortune teller says, and starts to walk away, “You will when you’re older.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ae6o5/a_fortune_teller_walks_up_to_a_boy_on_the_street/
%
The day my wife found out she was pregnant, everything changed...

My name, my phone number, my address, and my country of residence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ae6cj/the_day_my_wife_found_out_she_was_pregnant/
%
Make the little things count!

Teach midgets maths!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ae42b/make_the_little_things_count/
%
Husband And Wife

Husband sent a text to wife at night,
“Hi I will get late, plz try and wash all my dirty clothes
And make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return.”
He sent another text, “I forgot to tell u that I got an increase in
My salary at the end of month I’m getting u a new car”
She text back, “Omg really?”
Husband Replied: “No I just wanted to make sure u got my 1st msg.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ae2ot/husband_and_wife/
%
My fairy godmother asked me if i wanted a long memory or a long penis...

I don't remember what I said...
...but I have back problems now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5adzc4/my_fairy_godmother_asked_me_if_i_wanted_a_long/
%
The Costume Party

A couple is excited about a costume party they have just been invited to. The husband, who is black, asked his wife to just pick up a costume for him since he’ll be too busy at work to get one himself. She excitedly agrees.
The next day, he comes home and finds a Batman suit waiting for him. He turns to his wife, who is white, and says: “Honey, you know Batman’s not *black*, right?” She apologizes and promises to pick up a different costume.
The next day, he comes home and sees a different costume waiting for him. “Uhhmm… Sweetheart, you know there ain’t no *black* Daredevil, don’t you?!” Clearly irritated, he demands another costume and walks out.
On the third day, he comes home and sees three cotton balls, a white belt and a three-foot-long 2x4 on the bed. Puzzled, he asks his wife “What’s *this*”?
She says “These are your *choices*. You can either glue the cotton balls on your chest and go as a domino; you can put on the white belt and go as an Oreo cookie; or you can shove the 2x4 up your ass and go as a Fudgsicle!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5adyqc/the_costume_party/
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Having gay parents must be horrible ...

... you either get twice as much of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5adx45/having_gay_parents_must_be_horrible/
%
I like to use big words that I don't understand-

they make me seem more photosynthesis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5adw42/i_like_to_use_big_words_that_i_dont_understand/
%
I'm not comfortable with my sexuality...

but luckily I have a discomfort fetish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5advxw/im_not_comfortable_with_my_sexuality/
%
Did anybody hear about the the peeping Tom who was caught?

He was beaten up so badly they sent him to the ICU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5adnxm/did_anybody_hear_about_the_the_peeping_tom_who/
%
Benjamin walks into a bar and asks for two shots..

The bartender tells him that they have a deal going on right now.
Benjamin replies, *"What's the deal man?"*
The bartender tells him, *"If you can drink this half gallon of whiskey in five minutes and keep it down for another five minutes, then go out back and pull the angry alligators tooth out and then lastly, upstairs is a woman who has never had an orgasm, if you give her one and do the other two things in that order, you can eat and drink here for free forever"*
He exclaims that sounds tough but, *"I will try it any way"*, so he chugs the whiskey drinks it in time and keeps it down then goes out back. About twenty minutes go by and the people in the bar hear screaming and just pure pain.
Benjamin walks back into the bar all tore up bleeding, stumbling drunk and what not and looks over at the bartender and says now where is that woman who needs her tooth pulled?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5adcuk/benjamin_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_two_shots/
%
Why did the ghost go to the bar?

For the BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5adctt/why_did_the_ghost_go_to_the_bar/
%
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time...

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5adc7s/an_older_couple_who_were_both_widowed_had_been/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5adadt/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
What's the difference between hard and light?

You can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ad5x2/whats_the_difference_between_hard_and_light/
%
What's a ghost's favorite data type?

BOO-lean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ad50b/whats_a_ghosts_favorite_data_type/
%
International Contest

Great Britain and the USA are having a contest about who can mess up their country the most. Britain is leading, but the USA have a Trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ad3yk/international_contest/
%
They say money doesn't grow on trees

But my cousin planted a few bushes with a funny smell in his wardrobe and is now making 4k a week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acz80/they_say_money_doesnt_grow_on_trees/
%
A dying husband asked his wife...

A dying husband asked his wife: "Honey our 6^th child looks different from our other 5 children, did he have a different father?
Wife : "I am sorry but yes"
Husband: "Can you tell me who?"
Wife: "Yes, you"
Husband died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acws2/a_dying_husband_asked_his_wife/
%
What noise does a cat make when it drives past really fast?

Meeeeeeeoooooowwwww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acs7f/what_noise_does_a_cat_make_when_it_drives_past/
%
Hey, who did you vote for?...

I wrote in Michael J. Fox. I think he can really shake things up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acs6z/hey_who_did_you_vote_for/
%
Husband : Why are there broken condoms on our couch???

Wife : would you please call our children by their real names?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acrcz/husband_why_are_there_broken_condoms_on_our_couch/
%
What is Anthony Weiner's favorite type of mail?

Junk mail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acqn4/what_is_anthony_weiners_favorite_type_of_mail/
%
Volkswagen just introduced a new electric car...

It's called the Volts Wagon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acpft/volkswagen_just_introduced_a_new_electric_car/
%
What do you call a communist sniper

Marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acoi0/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aclom/a_politician_is_walking_down_the_street_when_he/
%
How many introverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Why does it have to be a group activity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aclj0/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What did the surfer say when he visited Syria?

This place is totally radical!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acjqg/what_did_the_surfer_say_when_he_visited_syria/
%
I went to the cinema to see a really, really sad film.

The guy behind me was just wailing.  Half way through, a harpoon hit the back of my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acir1/i_went_to_the_cinema_to_see_a_really_really_sad/
%
I asked my Dad, "Dad, what did you want to do when you were my age?"

"Your mom's sister."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acfy3/i_asked_my_dad_dad_what_did_you_want_to_do_when/
%
"I never have trouble getting the last few Pringles out of the can"

-Donald Trump, 2016

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acdnt/i_never_have_trouble_getting_the_last_few/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a potato?

You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acd97/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
Why don't black people ever go on cruises?

We're not falling for that one again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acd1s/why_dont_black_people_ever_go_on_cruises/
%
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l have a problem"

I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5accq4/a_lady_approaches_a_priest_and_tells_him_father_l/
%
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acbu6/two_sisters_one_blonde_and_one_brunette_inherit/
%
How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?

Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acbrg/how_many_guns_do_the_us_need_to_combat_an_enemy/
%
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?

He didn’t have a leg to stand on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acbqv/did_you_hear_about_the_lawyer_who_tried_to_sue_a/
%
One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acbfd/one_day_ill_pretend_to_be_gay_ill_make_lots_of/
%
Why did the German cross the road?

To get to the Reich side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5acb1g/why_did_the_german_cross_the_road/
%
A salmon walks into a vegetarian restaurant

And the waiter says, “Sorry, we don’t serve fish.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ac9df/a_salmon_walks_into_a_vegetarian_restaurant/
%
How are you today?

Context - It's extremely early in the morning, I'm getting new tires put on my vehicle...
GF: How are you today?
Me: I'm wheel good.
^Please ^Help ^Me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ac6jp/how_are_you_today/
%
How many feminist does it take to screw in a light bulb?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ac51q/how_many_feminist_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Why do LGBT people dislike coding?

It's binary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ac4fc/why_do_lgbt_people_dislike_coding/
%
A doctor started a clinic in a small town.

He told everyone in the town: "With the low price of 50 dollars, I can cure any types of diseases! If I can't, I'll pay you 100 dollars instead!"
So a man thought this is a great opportunity to earn some extra cash. So on the day the clinic opened he walk into the clinic. He says to the doctor:"I had lost my tastes, everything I eat is bland, can you cure it?"
"Sure." The doctor says, and he ordered the nurse to bring him some pills from a bottle labeled 5671. After the nurse bring them to doctor, he gave two to the man and tell him to chew it.
The man does what the doctor said, until the strong flavor of the pills force him to puke it out. He says:"What the fuck, is that fucking shit?" The doctor says:"Congratulation, it is indeed feces. You have successfully regain your sense of taste. Now, please pay 50 dollars."
The man was pissed, he paid and left the clinic. He thought out another plan to scam the doctor. So the next day, he came back to the clinic. He says to the doctor: "I have lost my recent memories, I think I have amnesia, can you cure it?"
"Sure." The Doctor says, and he ordered the nurse to bring some pills from the bottle labeled 5671. The man yelled:"Wait a second, isn't that shit from yesterday?"
"Congratulation! You are correct and regained your memories, now, please pay 50 dollars."
The man was furious at this point, so he thought up a final plan to take back his money.
The next day, he bought a pairs of shades and a cane from a nearby store. Then, he used them to pretend to be a blind man and walked into the clinic.
"Doctor, I have lost my vision, can you cure it?" The man says. "Unfortunately, no, I can't, here is your 100 dollars. The man take the money and left the clinic in joy...
...until he saw that the bank note the doctor handed him is actually a 50 dollars note. He stomped back to the clinic and yells at the doctor:"You scammed me, this is 50 dollars, not 100!"
"Congratulation, you have regain your vision. Now, please give me back my 50 dollars and pay another 50 dollars as medical fee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ac3zi/a_doctor_started_a_clinic_in_a_small_town/
%
I was forced to drop out of communism class...

I wasn't Lenin anything, my grades were Stalin, and my Marx were terrible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ac2rp/i_was_forced_to_drop_out_of_communism_class/
%
England has no kidney bank...

But it does have a Liverpool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ac2fk/england_has_no_kidney_bank/
%
The FBI made a big marijuana bust recently.

The took the approximately 2 tons of weed to a landfill and had it incinerated.  However, the EPA stepped in and showed concern for the multitude of seagulls flying overhead.  You know what their study discovered?  That there was no tern left unstoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abzym/the_fbi_made_a_big_marijuana_bust_recently/
%
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abwtd/a_guy_stuck_his_head_into_a_barbershop_and_asked/
%
I wanted to be a sexy casino for Halloween..

..but I was afraid I'd be slot-shamed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abwoc/i_wanted_to_be_a_sexy_casino_for_halloween/
%
What room does a ghost not need?

A living room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abvup/what_room_does_a_ghost_not_need/
%
A polish peasant farmer...

...is digging in his field one day when he hits something with his shovel. Picking it up and dusting it off, he recognizes it as an old lamp. A genie pops out and offers him three wishes. The Pole thinks about his wishes for the entire day and finaly decides. "Genie", he says, "I want the Mongol hordes to sweep through Poland." The Genie snaps his fingers and a low rumbling sound of hoofbeats is heard. Over the horizon come the Mongol hordes which ride down and kill everything in their path. They wheel around and ride back out. The farmer picks himself up and asks for the same thing for his second wish. Again the Mongols ride in and destroy everything in their path. Whatever they didn't kill last time, they kill this time. Whatever they killed last time, they set on fire. They wheel around and ride back out. The Pole picks himself up and asks for the same thing for his third wish. This time the Mongols don't even bother to stop since there isn't anything left to destroy. The genie just can't stand it any more. "You could have had anything. ANYTHING!", the genie says. "Why did you waste your wishes on this?" The farmer replies, "In order for the Mongols to ride over Poland three times, they would have had to go through Russia six times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abttr/a_polish_peasant_farmer/
%
There's a beautiful blonde woman on the beach, no arms no legs...

A man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, could you please hug me? I've never been hugged before." The man, feeling bad for her, picks the lady up, hugs her, and puts her back down and goes on with his day.
Later that day, a second man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, I've never been kissed before, would you please kiss me?" So the man, similar to the last, picks her up, kisses her, puts her back down, and continues on with his day.
Later on, a third man walks passed her and she says "Excuse me, I've never been fucked before, would you please fuck me?" So the man picks the lady up, throws her into the ocean and says, "Well, you're fucked now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5absw3/theres_a_beautiful_blonde_woman_on_the_beach_no/
%
Vote early and vote often!

This *used* to be a real joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abrhb/vote_early_and_vote_often/
%
Thanks to my recent change to a healthier lifestyle, I am no longer fat and ugly

Now I'm just ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abr6s/thanks_to_my_recent_change_to_a_healthier/
%
Why didn't the british boy's mother ever dress up for halloween?

Because she already was a mummy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abr3x/why_didnt_the_british_boys_mother_ever_dress_up/
%
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abqxf/a_mugger_jumps_out_in_front_of_a_university/
%
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary...

I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abnzd/i_bought_my_girlfriend_a_fridge_for_our/
%
I'm a man with morals

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abnvc/im_a_man_with_morals/
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I got a call from my brother the other day...

I found out he was diagnosed with an intense fear of wanting to have sex with other men; Homonymphobia. Which really freaked me out because I have a fear of words that sound the same but mean different things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abnor/i_got_a_call_from_my_brother_the_other_day/
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I was getting off an airplane, when I passed a little boy who was waving and saying "Bye, plane!"...

"No, this isn't a biplane." I said, as the kid's dad immediately gave me a condescending look.
I went on, "You can't tell its sexual preference based just on how it looks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abngf/i_was_getting_off_an_airplane_when_i_passed_a/
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How do you know that an introvert likes you?

He looks at your shoes instead of his.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abm4c/how_do_you_know_that_an_introvert_likes_you/
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As a younger man, I used to think women were only good for one thing...

As I've gotten older I've realized......I'm better at doing that myself too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abk7q/as_a_younger_man_i_used_to_think_women_were_only/
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Difference between hypothetically & reality

Youngest son: "Dad, whats the difference between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'?"
Dad turns to his wife: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for $1 million?"
Wife:"Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity."
Then dad asks his daughter:"Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for $1 million?"
Daughter:"Yes he's my fantasy!"
Elder Son:"Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money!"
Father turns to his younger son; "you see son 'hypothetically" we're sitting with 3 millionaires but in 'reality' we are living with two prostitutes and one gay guy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abjfz/difference_between_hypothetically_reality/
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I use to have a job working in an elevator...

it had its ups and downs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abg5s/i_use_to_have_a_job_working_in_an_elevator/
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I think I'm failing my marine biology class

My grade is below C level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abftp/i_think_im_failing_my_marine_biology_class/
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I was going to post a chemistry joke

But then I thought "Na, they won't like it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abdvx/i_was_going_to_post_a_chemistry_joke/
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The largest city in the world is...

Dublin.
Because it keeps on Dublin and Dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abds2/the_largest_city_in_the_world_is/
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A couple are getting ready for a Halloween party.

The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says "what the hell" and the husband replies "well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abdjo/a_couple_are_getting_ready_for_a_halloween_party/
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I don't like drive-thru's

I think it's money out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abbtw/i_dont_like_drivethrus/
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What's a neckbeard's favourite disease?

M'laria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abb32/whats_a_neckbeards_favourite_disease/
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After having sex

2 doctors are laying in bed after having sex. The guy says "You must be an OBGYN because you can work that pussy." The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5abawj/after_having_sex/
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What would Donald Trump say if he was Mexican?

'WE NEED TO BUILD A RAMP!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ab8yg/what_would_donald_trump_say_if_he_was_mexican/
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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ab8ul/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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My friend had a few tips for alcohol consumers

From my friend
To all self respecting alcohol consumers...Self Care tips....
1. Symptom : Cold and humid feet.
Cause : Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).
Cure : Manoeuver glass until open end is facing upward...
2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure : Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
3. Symptom : The floor looks blurry.
Cause : looking through an empty glass.
Cure : Quickly refill your glass!
4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause : You're being dragged away.
Cure : At least ask where they're taking you!
5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear and tryin to drink from it
Cure : Stop making a fool of yourself!
6. Symptom : Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause : You're in the wrong house.
Cure : Ask if they can point you to your house.
7. Symptom : The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure : Don't move. Let the professionals do their job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ab6og/my_friend_had_a_few_tips_for_alcohol_consumers/
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Joke title

Punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ab5hh/joke_title/
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For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ab4p4/for_halloween_im_dressing_up_as_a_plate/
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If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you

..I'd start thinking about you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ab46g/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_thought_about/
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I think my iPhone is broken.

I clicked the home button but I'm still at work...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ab40r/i_think_my_iphone_is_broken/
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Why do feminists dislike maths?

There's an XY axis but no XX axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5ab3g0/why_do_feminists_dislike_maths/
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James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.
Michael J. Fox is the bartender.
James Bond says "I'll have a martini."
He does not need to specify.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aaxyh/james_bond_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aax6i/why_didnt_the_skeleton_cross_the_road/
%
What does Hitler drink each morning?

Some Jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aavju/what_does_hitler_drink_each_morning/
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aarq7/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?

Phelps can actually finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aarld/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_michael/
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Man this clown thing is really getting out of control

there are even 2 clowns running for president .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aapub/man_this_clown_thing_is_really_getting_out_of/
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What is the similarity between a black man and a bike?

They both only work with a chain on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aanno/what_is_the_similarity_between_a_black_man_and_a/
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A slightly drunk woman is watching tv...

She yells, "Don't go there! Don't go up the stairs! Don't go into the church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aangb/a_slightly_drunk_woman_is_watching_tv/
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What do you call an erection during a funeral?

Mourning wood!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aan2v/what_do_you_call_an_erection_during_a_funeral/
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The child and his mother

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aamyd/the_child_and_his_mother/
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What do feminists do in Halloween?

They go Triggertreating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aallj/what_do_feminists_do_in_halloween/
%
Oh no! An Xbox One and PS4 just had a head on collision...

CALL AN AMBULANCE! WiiU WiiU WiiU WiiU WiiU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aaj8p/oh_no_an_xbox_one_and_ps4_just_had_a_head_on/
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You should never yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater

The gunman will shoot when he's ready, it isn't polite to rush him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aaisz/you_should_never_yell_fire_in_a_crowded_theater/
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Man to wife

: Business is bad, if YOU learn TO cook we can remove servant.
Wife: If YOU learn how to fuck we can remove driver, gardener & watchman…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aafnx/man_to_wife/
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What do you call a Mexican wrestler that only fights during his 12:00 break?

A lunchador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aafjk/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_wrestler_that_only/
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How do you know if an introvert likes you?

He looks at your shoes instead of his

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aabpy/how_do_you_know_if_an_introvert_likes_you/
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What's the difference between a midget and a dwarf?

Very little!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aaaox/whats_the_difference_between_a_midget_and_a_dwarf/
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Steak puns are a rare medium well done.

Credit to my brother. He thinks it's original, but it seems to perfect to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aa95p/steak_puns_are_a_rare_medium_well_done/
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What's green and smells like red paint?

Green paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aa89s/whats_green_and_smells_like_red_paint/
%
The legal age of drinking in Alabama has been changed to 31...

Representatives hope that it will keep underage drinking out of high schools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aa63o/the_legal_age_of_drinking_in_alabama_has_been/
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What is between moms legs?

One day a boy asked his father, “Dad, what is between moms legs?”
The father reply, “The door to heaven!”
“Then what is between yours?” – the boy asked. The father said, “The key to the door!”
Then the boy said, “I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aa0zz/what_is_between_moms_legs/
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog

The bartender says, "No pets allowed." The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Browns game and you'll see. Whenever the Browns score, my dog does flips." The Browns keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Browns score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aa0v7/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_dog/
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Today has been the best day of my life as I am no longer a 30 year old virgin!

I turned 31 today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a9ys8/today_has_been_the_best_day_of_my_life_as_i_am_no/
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Kids these days have it real easy.

There weren't as many paedophiles in my day. I had to buy my own candy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a9wck/kids_these_days_have_it_real_easy/
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So it was lunch at my new job

And everyone was telling jokes. The thing is, they'd only say a number, and everyone would laugh. I asked my boss as I left what that was all about, and he said that since the same jokes were said over and over again they just assigned them all numbers to save everyone's breath.
The next day i decided to try it out so at lunch I walked in and said: 437! Everyone laughed even more than normal, and they all said "thanks for the laugh!" I went to my boss and asked him what happened.
He looked me in the eye and said: "Your fly was down idiot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a9vww/so_it_was_lunch_at_my_new_job/
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A man walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says "Jim! You have two black eyes!"
"Yup," says Jim.
"What happened?" asked the bartender.
"Well, you see I was at the church picnic. I was in line behind Mrs. Dunmore, and I happened to see that her skirt was wedged up into her buttcrack. Being a gentleman I pulled it out for her. She turned and punched me in the face!" says Jim.
"Ah, unfortunate," says the bartender. "But how'd the other one get blackened?"
"Well," said Jim. "I figured she liked her dress up in her buttcrack, so I tucked it back for her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a9veu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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How does Hitler organize his juice?

By concentration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a9tnf/how_does_hitler_organize_his_juice/
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Sir, we're mining useless ores!

A soldier said, "Sir, we're mining useless ores!"
Hitler thinks for a minute and responds, "Mine less."
A grammar nazi runs up and says, "MINE FEWER"
Hitler looks up, "Yes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a9r1b/sir_were_mining_useless_ores/
%
A man went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the previous night.

"You'll get your chance in court," the desk seargeant told him.
"I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife," pleaded the man. "I've been trying to do that for years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a9pl3/a_man_went_to_the_police_station_and_asked_to/
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How man nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a9o8v/how_man_nihilists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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At the grocery store, I went to the checkout line with the cute cashier...

I started unloading my groceries onto the belt.
Package of Ramen noodles.
Quart of milk.
Half a dozen eggs.
A couple of frozen dinners.
As she is scanning the items, she looks up and smiles, "so, you're single, huh?"
I look at my groceries and smile back. "Yeah, ha, what gave it away?"
"Because you're fucking ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a9lml/at_the_grocery_store_i_went_to_the_checkout_line/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*choke*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a9gjt/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
I had tears in my eyes when my dad chopped up Onions

I loved Onions. He was a great dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a9f0g/i_had_tears_in_my_eyes_when_my_dad_chopped_up/
%
I'm terrified of elevators

I take steps to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a9dwq/im_terrified_of_elevators/
%
What do you call a guy who wants to join the mile high club by himself?

A high-jacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a9an2/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_wants_to_join_the_mile/
%
If a mentally challenged person shows up late

Is it ok to call him tardy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a98o0/if_a_mentally_challenged_person_shows_up_late/
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A Chinese man is making love to his wife...

The man is going for it missionary style, he slides up her body, kisses her softly and whispers in her ear, "Baby, I wanna 69!". Immediately, her face turns from pleasure to confusion and anger, she replies, "You want Salt and Pepper Chicken NOW?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a97bt/a_chinese_man_is_making_love_to_his_wife/
%
Mountains aren't just funny......

.......the are hill areas!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a96my/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
How can you tell if someone is a chemistry major?

They have a mole on their body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a952g/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_a_chemistry_major/
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I'll tell you a joke about sodium.

Na.
How about one about potassium?
K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a9498/ill_tell_you_a_joke_about_sodium/
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People who write clickbait headlines for a living:

Fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a901l/people_who_write_clickbait_headlines_for_a_living/
%
There are no gay people in Russia...

There are homosexuals but they are not allowed to be gay about it. The punishment is seven years locked in prison with other men and there is a three-year waiting list for that.
Credit: Yakof Smirnoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8y9j/there_are_no_gay_people_in_russia/
%
What do you call a part gopher, part duck, and part you?

A Gophuckyourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8xb4/what_do_you_call_a_part_gopher_part_duck_and_part/
%
Mrs. Rosenberg walks into a hotel

and asks the guy behind the counter to put her up for the night.
"Name?" he asks
"Mrs. Rosenberg" she replies
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but we don't give out rooms to Jews."
"Jews? Who's the Jew here? I am Catholic" the woman yells.
"Oh really? Then please tell me who is the Son of God."
"Jesus Christ" the woman says.
"And who were his parents' names?"
"Mary and Joseph"
"And where was he born?"
"In a barn where the animals were fed and bathed."
"OK, you have convinced me. Here are the keys to your room."
"And now answer my question, sir" says the woman.
"Shoot"
"And do you know **WHY** Jesus was born in a barn?"
After a few minutes of thinking, the man gives up.
"I don't know. Why?
"Because even then there were idiots like you who refused to put up Jews for the night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8vso/mrs_rosenberg_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
"I'm just fine"

A farmer is walking down a country road with his horse and dog on his way home from the fields. A truck hits them, the farmer is injured while the horse and dog are killed in the accident.
Later, the farmer takes the driver to court to sue for damages, while giving his statement the truck driver's lawyer asks him, "Didn't you tell my client that you weren't injured? Didn't you tell him 'I'm just fine'?"
The farmer says, "Well, what happened was...". The lawyer interrupts him, "Yes or no, sir. Did you or did you not say, 'I'm just fine'?"
The farmer answers, "Well, yes but..". The lawyer is about to interrupt again, but the judge allows the farmer to complete his answer.
"What happened was," the farmer continues, "after the crash I saw the driver get out of his truck to look at the damage, he saw my dog on the ground yelping and in pain. He went back to his truck, got his gun and shot my dog.
Then he saw my horse, its legs all broken and mangled, so he shot my horse.
Then he looked at me and said, 'Are you all right?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8uvo/im_just_fine/
%
Why was Windows afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8u4z/why_was_windows_afraid_of_7/
%
What math classes do gender studies majors take?

Triggernometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8ty2/what_math_classes_do_gender_studies_majors_take/
%
My gf told me to stop being childish, she just wants to come in for a talk

not my fault she cant remember the password to my pillow fortress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8sq8/my_gf_told_me_to_stop_being_childish_she_just/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8r48/why_does_snoop_dogg_always_carry_an_umbrella/
%
How did the leper hockey game end?

There was a face off in the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8mc5/how_did_the_leper_hockey_game_end/
%
Pakistan launches a rocket to Moon.

Pakistani News channel reports: "Water and fishes found on Moon."
BBC reports: "Pakistani satellite found in Arab sea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8ljx/pakistan_launches_a_rocket_to_moon/
%
"How is life in North Korea?" I wrote to my North Korean pen pal

"I can't complain" he wrote back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8kba/how_is_life_in_north_korea_i_wrote_to_my_north/
%
Blowing bubbles

3 guys walk into a bar and head straight for the bathroom. About a half-hour later one man emerges from the bathroom and the bar keep asks " You where in there for awhile are you ok?" The guy replies "yes I was just blowing bubbles". The second guy emerges and the bar keep again asks " You where in there for awhile, are you ok?" The man replies " yes I was just blowing bubbles". The third man emerges and the bar keep says " let me guess blowing bubbles?" And the man replies " no I am Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8iue/blowing_bubbles/
%
Why do Chinese tourists get disappointed when they visit America?

Because when they buy souvenirs they find out they were made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8ifl/why_do_chinese_tourists_get_disappointed_when/
%
Goodbye Daddy

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his son saying prayers again:   "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."   The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologised to his wife.   "I am sorry Honey.   I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8htj/goodbye_daddy/
%
Under the kilt

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon.   He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where ya been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrrst prrrrize!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8hjn/under_the_kilt/
%
All my friends clubbed together and got me a sweater

I would've preferred a moaner or a screamer, but you can't have it all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8fyd/all_my_friends_clubbed_together_and_got_me_a/
%
What does America and my Milk have in common?

Both will go bad in 9 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a8d8j/what_does_america_and_my_milk_have_in_common/
%
What do Hillbillies do for Halloween?

Pump-Kin
Yes, I've posted this before, but Halloween is upon us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a86jb/what_do_hillbillies_do_for_halloween/
%
I'm really upset that Vine is getting shut down, because I won't be able to use the phrase, "do it for the Vine" anymore...

"Do it or I'll fucking kill you" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a86if/im_really_upset_that_vine_is_getting_shut_down/
%
The U.S mint stopped making pennies.

I don't know why, it doesn't make any cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a85ea/the_us_mint_stopped_making_pennies/
%
The nurse thinks the new doctor is great. Except one thing. He keeps a rectal thermometer behind his ear. She finally works up the nerve to confront him about the odd practice.

"Do you know what this means nurse"? He exclaims.
"What?" replies the nurse..
"SOME ASS-HOLE HAS MY PENCIL"!
Maybe it was funnier when my non-cursing mother told it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a855m/the_nurse_thinks_the_new_doctor_is_great_except/
%
Grown hair between her legs

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a83p7/grown_hair_between_her_legs/
%
Which element is most likely to surrender an electron?

Francium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a83e1/which_element_is_most_likely_to_surrender_an/
%
An atom loses an electron, another atom asks 'You sure?'

I'm positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a827s/an_atom_loses_an_electron_another_atom_asks_you/
%
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the battle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a80gw/why_do_french_tanks_have_rearview_mirrors/
%
What does a South Korean call their lover?

Their Seoul Mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a80b2/what_does_a_south_korean_call_their_lover/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7vjg/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
I really have trouble understanding the Classical era of history

It's all Greek to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7uce/i_really_have_trouble_understanding_the_classical/
%
A woman decides to try online dating

Setting up her new profile she starts looking for the exact opposite of her ex-husband who used to beat her before running away with another woman.
She states her new man must 1) Never hit her 2) Never run away and 3) Be great in bed.
A few days later the doorbell rings. When she answers there is a man with no arms and no legs. He says "I'm here to take you on a date, as you can see I've got no arms to hit you and no legs to run away"
Intrigued she replies "But what about number 3? Are you great in bed?"
He says "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7t23/a_woman_decides_to_try_online_dating/
%
Scottish boy asks his dad about Islam

Son: "Ey dad, what is Islam?"
Dad: "Oh, well Sunni, it's a Shiite religion"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7skj/scottish_boy_asks_his_dad_about_islam/
%
What did the SJW do for Halloween?

Went trigger-treating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7n81/what_did_the_sjw_do_for_halloween/
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A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.
A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
'Fucking auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7m91/a_man_got_a_text_from_his_neighbor_im_so_sorry/
%
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7l85/a_married_couple_went_to_he_hospital_to_have/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic?

About half way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7k3o/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
whats 12 inches long and snaps a cunt?

a selfie stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7jos/whats_12_inches_long_and_snaps_a_cunt/
%
Somebody stole my mood ring

I don't know how to feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7j7a/somebody_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7imb/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
My new puppy is an excellent blacksmith...

...every time I yell he makes a bolt for the door!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7iaq/my_new_puppy_is_an_excellent_blacksmith/
%
What's the difference between a pig and a dwarf janitor?

One is messy, and the other is a little cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7had/whats_the_difference_between_a_pig_and_a_dwarf/
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My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are.

I laugh a bit more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7eum/my_wife_and_i_laugh_about_how_competitive_we_are/
%
Only three things are infinite

The universe, human stupidity, and the winrar trial period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7d16/only_three_things_are_infinite/
%
There was a shooting at the Apple store last night.

There were no iWitnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a7b06/there_was_a_shooting_at_the_apple_store_last_night/
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First time for everyone

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a77yu/first_time_for_everyone/
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A recent study shows most Americans like to have sex on days that begin with T

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a762j/a_recent_study_shows_most_americans_like_to_have/
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A Dyslexic Devil Worshipper

Sold his Soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a71n9/a_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
%
Nobody tells the British Royal Navy what to do... Except the Irish.

This is the transcript of the "actual" radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, October 98.  Radio conversation released by the chief of Naval operations, 10-10-98:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommended you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of the British navy ship.  I say again, divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative.  I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: This is the aircraft carrier HMS Britannia! The second largest ship in the British Atlantic fleet.  We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels.  I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees North, I say again, that is 15 degrees North, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
IRISH:  We are a lighthouse.  Your call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a709w/nobody_tells_the_british_royal_navy_what_to_do/
%
I lost my watch at a party once

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6yl3/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
%
My doctor suggested I use ice to reduce the pain.

But I think this whiskey tastes just fine without it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6tju/my_doctor_suggested_i_use_ice_to_reduce_the_pain/
%
Two men and a prostitute

Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, “Heck. My wife is better than that.” The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, “You know what? Your wife is better.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6qzz/two_men_and_a_prostitute/
%
A pastor gets pulled over by a police officer

The officer approaches the vehicle and smells alcohol. And sees a thermos in the cup holder.
The officer asks "Pastor, have you been drinking?"
The pastor replies "no, my thermos is filled with water"
The officer asked to see the thermos, opens it up and says "Pastor, this looks and smells like wine"
The pastor says "What do you know, Jesus has done it again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6q59/a_pastor_gets_pulled_over_by_a_police_officer/
%
For Sale

Parachute:
Only used once, never opened
Small stain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6pha/for_sale/
%
What did the jalapeno dress up as for Halloween?

A Ghost Pepper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6osh/what_did_the_jalapeno_dress_up_as_for_halloween/
%
Sex positions

Two rednecks were sitting in a bar discussing their favorite sex positions. One of them says, “I think rodeo would have to my favorite”. The other one says, “I’ve never heard of that one, what is it?” So the first guy says, “You sit on your wife’s back with your hands on her boobs and say, ‘these feel just like your sister’s’ and then you have to try and stay on for 8 seconds”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6og3/sex_positions/
%
Just played the new Hillary Presidency Simulator

I don't know why it's called Fallout 4 though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6lkt/just_played_the_new_hillary_presidency_simulator/
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What's big, green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls on you?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6l5a/whats_big_green_fuzzy_and_will_kill_you_if_it/
%
Why did the vegan avoid the confrontation?

He didn't want any beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6kfr/why_did_the_vegan_avoid_the_confrontation/
%
The Princess with the cursed hand

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who had been cursed from young - any object that she touched with her hands instantly melted in just about three seconds, before disintegrating aftwerwards. She'd even killed her own father this way.
The Queen was desperate to remove this terrible curse and thus announced a challenge to the entire land: Whoever managed to find some sort of object that would not melt in her own hands and use that object to cover her entire hand as a form of protection would receive a grand reward. They would earn half the entire kingdom's treasury while suitable males could marry her.
Many came and failed horribly. Some of these things included steel gauntlets, diamond blocks, rare artefacts from the whole world and even a block of strange material provided by a wizard who said it could withstand being thrown into a volcano.
One day, a strange blinding light appeared in the throne room, where the princess and queen were. Whn the light died down, a strange-looking man in extremely simple clothes appeared. The guards were about to arrest him, but the queen gave them orders not to. She had hopes this was the person who could neutralise the curse.
"Who are you?" asked the queen.
"I heard your request from the other end of the earth, Your Majesty. I don't care about your rewards, just let me show you this."
The man took out a even stranger pair of rainbow-coloured gloves. It appeared to be made of many small beads all joined together somehow.
"Please put it on, princess."
The princess stepped forward nervously as always and reached out her palms towards the man, who then dropped the gloves on her.
One...
Two...
Three...
It did not melt.
The queen was absolutely delighted (and so were the guards) to see this success, but curious on how this was achieved.
"Pardon me, but what is the secret behind these gloves? What are they made of?"
"Your Majesty, these gloves are made of this."
He pulls out a brown packet of the materials used to make the gloves.
"I call it M&M's. They melt in your mouth, but not your hand!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6ke1/the_princess_with_the_cursed_hand/
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What's is the outcome of a soccer game between Ethiopia and Jamaica?

Half of the grass gets eaten and the other half gets smoked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6iuy/whats_is_the_outcome_of_a_soccer_game_between/
%
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6gp6/daddy_a_little_girl_asked_her_father_do_all_fairy/
%
I like my coffee like I like my slaves...

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6epd/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
What did Hillary Clinton say when she got to the restaurant?

"Can I have a private server?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6cnr/what_did_hillary_clinton_say_when_she_got_to_the/
%
What does batman like adding to his drinks?

JUST-ICE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6c6e/what_does_batman_like_adding_to_his_drinks/
%
Jews are so insecure...

they constantly remind us their country isreal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6bpz/jews_are_so_insecure/
%
Capitalization is important

There's a big difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6b4b/capitalization_is_important/
%
A thousand years is a minute to God

A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.
"Sure," said God, "in a minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a65ly/a_thousand_years_is_a_minute_to_god/
%
I had to fire my driver today

So now I have all this money, and nothing to chauffeur it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a658h/i_had_to_fire_my_driver_today/
%
A chef, a clockmaker, and a thief walk into a bar, but the bartender says he doesn't get the joke.

They all say, "It's okay, these things take thyme."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a64j2/a_chef_a_clockmaker_and_a_thief_walk_into_a_bar/
%
There were 2 evil brothers (Repost)

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also
spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a63mo/there_were_2_evil_brothers_repost/
%
A woman goes for a facelift

A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: "First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She sighed and said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a63dq/a_woman_goes_for_a_facelift/
%
What did the cow with a cold say?

Boo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a61l2/what_did_the_cow_with_a_cold_say/
%
A ghost floats up to a bar...

...and points to one of the bottles on the shelf. "Give me a shot of that over there," he tells the bartender.
The bartender picks up a bottle. "This?" he asks.
"Nope."
The bartender picks up another bottle. "What about this?"
The ghost shakes his head.
"Ah," says the bartender, picking up a third bottle. "You must mean this."
The ghost nods. "That's the spirit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a61gp/a_ghost_floats_up_to_a_bar/
%
"I hate tacos"...

Said no Juan ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a60n7/i_hate_tacos/
%
A cheese factory just exploded...

There was de-brie everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a60kl/a_cheese_factory_just_exploded/
%
An atom loses an electron...

It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a6080/an_atom_loses_an_electron/
%
A dung beetle walks into a bar

"Is this stool taken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a5zc2/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight...

At least act like you've been there before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a5vdt/ok_chicago_please_be_responsible_if_the_game/
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A kid is born with no body...

So a child is born with no body or limbs, he's just a head.  The doctor tells the parents that he seems to be in perfectly good health otherwise and after a few days in the hospital they all go home.
The kid grows up perfectly fine as just a head, and eventually reaches his 21st birthday, so the father decides they need to go out and have a few drinks.
So they get to the bar, the kid has a drink, and immediately a body pops out. The father is amazed and shocked, but once he gathers himself, orders another drink for his son to see what happens.
Sure enough, arms pop out of his new body. Overly excited now, the father orders yet another drink for his son.
Boom! The kids got legs now and appears to be a fully formed man. With an incredible amount of joy the father and son leave the bar.
Unfortunately the kid gets hit by a truck on the way out of the bar and dies, and the bartender says "He should have quit while he was ahead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a5uq5/a_kid_is_born_with_no_body/
%
Why do hippies like to swim way offshore?

Cause it's far out, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a5rmp/why_do_hippies_like_to_swim_way_offshore/
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My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a5rj6/my_wife_recommended_i_do_some_light_reading_to/
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I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when...

...my wife said, "You spoil those dogs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a5kxh/i_was_sitting_on_the_edge_of_the_bed_pulling_my/
%
When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a5j56/when_i_was_growing_up_plastic_surgery_was_a_bit/
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In my interview for the binman job, I asked if you needed any special training...

The interviewer said "nah you just sort of pick it up as you go along".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a5hl9/in_my_interview_for_the_binman_job_i_asked_if_you/
%
I wish I could go like Saddam Hussein did.

Hanging out with his people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a5gad/i_wish_i_could_go_like_saddam_hussein_did/
%
I traded my blowup doll in for a middle eastern version..

It blows itself up..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a5evj/i_traded_my_blowup_doll_in_for_a_middle_eastern/
%
Whats the difference between american women and middle eastern women?

American women get stoned before they commit adultery..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a5ell/whats_the_difference_between_american_women_and/
%
Apparently Michael Jackson was also a gifted baseball player.

He was big in the minors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a5dha/apparently_michael_jackson_was_also_a_gifted/
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When I get a dog, I am going to name him Franz Ferdinand

So I can take him out
(I tried)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a5ail/when_i_get_a_dog_i_am_going_to_name_him_franz/
%
Whats common between Reddit jokes & Dave ?

You never get tired of seeing them again & again ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a57km/whats_common_between_reddit_jokes_dave/
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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.
He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her.
When he returned, he called the 3 knights in.
He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.
He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.
He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place!
The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!"
The knight said: "Eywanmytonbac!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a55rn/there_was_a_king_with_a_beautiful_virgin_daughter/
%
A Man was talking with his best friend.

About how much he hates his Mother in law.
Friend says " Well without your Mother in law you wouldn't have your wife so you cant hate her."
Man says "No pretty sure thats mainly the reason I hate her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a53ec/a_man_was_talking_with_his_best_friend/
%
What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a52ft/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm

and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a528m/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_slab_of_asphalt/
%
the worst part about hitting a child in public...

is getting caught by their parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4yo0/the_worst_part_about_hitting_a_child_in_public/
%
What did the Australian grandmaster say to the waiter after eating?

Check, mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4xv9/what_did_the_australian_grandmaster_say_to_the/
%
What does a traffic light tells to another traffic light?

Dont look at me I'm changing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4x8m/what_does_a_traffic_light_tells_to_another/
%
Two strangers are at the top of a New York skyscraper, admiring the view.

One turns to the other, "Wow, pretty incredible." He says.
The other guy leans way over the railing, "Long way down!" He says
This worries the first guy and he tells him to be careful.
'Pfff, no need to fret. They've installed rubber concrete down there. See, I could jump and I'd just bounce back up."
The second guy, realising the stranger was delusional, was about to move away when the man threw himself over the edge.
Shocked, the second guy ran to the railing and saw the man plummet to the ground, only to rebound up and land safely back on the observation deck.
"Incredible! I've never seen anything like it! Is it safe?" The astonished man enquires.
"Completely." The stranger replies, "I helped design it. You should try it, it'll be quite the tale to tell your friends'!"
So the second man climbs the railing, takes a deep breath, leaps from the edge, falls a hundred stories and....splat. He becomes pavement pizza.
Just then Lois Lane steps out of the elevator onto the observation deck. She waves to her companion and apologises for being late.
"I hope you weren't too bored waiting?" She asks.
"No problem" replies Clark, "I've been amusing myself just fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4tka/two_strangers_are_at_the_top_of_a_new_york/
%
the hardest part about hitting a child in public...

is avoiding getting caught by their parent's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4njk/the_hardest_part_about_hitting_a_child_in_public/
%
What do you call a gynecologist who really loves his job?

Ovary Enthusiastic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4mja/what_do_you_call_a_gynecologist_who_really_loves/
%
I was walking through a graveyard in Europe...

When I heard some strange music coming from one of the graves. Turns out, it was coming from Beethoven's grave. I took out my phone and recorded it, then took it to a friend of mine to identify.
"This is really strange...", he said. "This sounds like one of Beethoven's Symphonies, but it's backwards."
"Well, that makes sense", I said. "He's decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4lsd/i_was_walking_through_a_graveyard_in_europe/
%
A pessimist and an optimist are watching one of the 2016 debates...

The pessimist says "It can't get any worse" and the optimist says "Oh yes it can!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4lq0/a_pessimist_and_an_optimist_are_watching_one_of/
%
how does a bakery know when to make more bread?

on a knead the dough basis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4kem/how_does_a_bakery_know_when_to_make_more_bread/
%
A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4jfm/a_japanese_man_walked_into_the_currency_exchange/
%
What's the funniest part of a boxing joke?

You'd think it'd be the punchline, but apparently it's funnier when the person feints...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4iis/whats_the_funniest_part_of_a_boxing_joke/
%
What do you call a dog that can find something that's not there?

A Labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4ifz/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_can_find_something/
%
LUCKY FROG

A man takes the day off from work and decides to go play a round of golf. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, 'Ribbit, 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, 'Ribbit, 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies,  'Ribbit, Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?'
'Ribbit, 3 wood.'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best round of golf in his life and asks the frog,
'OK where to next?'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit ... Las Vegas.'
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?'
The frog says,  'Ribbit, Roulette.' Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?' The frog replies,  'Ribbit, $3,000 ... black 6.'
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies,  'Ribbit, Kiss Me.'
The man figures, why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 18-year-old girl. 'And that, your honor, is how that girl ended up in my room, so help me God ... or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4ia1/lucky_frog/
%
A girl agreed to go on a date with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

I schwepped her off her feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4ht9/a_girl_agreed_to_go_on_a_date_with_me_after_i/
%
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." -FDR

"Exactly." -everyone with anxiety

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4hg8/the_only_thing_we_have_to_fear_is_fear_itself_fdr/
%
My girlfriend can be really loud during sex...

I don't know why. She knows no one is coming to help

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4gfo/my_girlfriend_can_be_really_loud_during_sex/
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Why is the show called SpongeBob when...

Patrick is the star. Hurr durr. Tee-hee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4fk7/why_is_the_show_called_spongebob_when/
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Best part of Donald Trump giving you a hand job.

His little hands make your dick look bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4f9h/best_part_of_donald_trump_giving_you_a_hand_job/
%
Slept with my internet date...

Got a virus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4dsj/slept_with_my_internet_date/
%
A man is lying in a hospital bed.

"Doctor, how long do I have to live?" asks the man.
"10," replies the doctor.
"10 what?"
"9."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4d6w/a_man_is_lying_in_a_hospital_bed/
%
Yo mama's so fat...

When she picked up a toddler the zoo keepers shot her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4cyn/yo_mamas_so_fat/
%
What is heavy forwards and not backwards?

ton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4c55/what_is_heavy_forwards_and_not_backwards/
%
What do you call The Dynamic Duo after they got hit by a steamroller?

Flatman and Ribbon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4a9w/what_do_you_call_the_dynamic_duo_after_they_got/
%
People really hate my cheesy puns...

but I'm quite fondue of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a49fp/people_really_hate_my_cheesy_puns/
%
I was researching the Jackson family tree.

I got back as far as the civil war and then I hit a stone wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a435t/i_was_researching_the_jackson_family_tree/
%
What did Einstein say when he was pulled over for speeding?

"Speed is relative, officer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a419q/what_did_einstein_say_when_he_was_pulled_over_for/
%
Did you hear about that rich kid who got a car for his birthday?

He drove it into a tree to see how his Mercedes bends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a4038/did_you_hear_about_that_rich_kid_who_got_a_car/
%
Since married famous people often mix names, shouldn't Hillary and Bill's be...

Hillbilly?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3ykv/since_married_famous_people_often_mix_names/
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What did one mountain say to the other mountain?

Nothing. They were both stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3wx6/what_did_one_mountain_say_to_the_other_mountain/
%
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3upq/how_did_rihanna_find_out_chris_brown_was_cheating/
%
A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks...

"Is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3uaf/a_toothless_termite_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
%
Who should have played Bilbo?

Who should have played Bilbo Baggins in Lord of the Rings? Bruce Willis. Because old hobbits die hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3pir/who_should_have_played_bilbo/
%
To the woman who keeps pounding and screaming at my door all night:

I'm not letting you go...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3lxh/to_the_woman_who_keeps_pounding_and_screaming_at/
%
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:

“All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3lqe/after_a_talking_sheepdog_gets_all_the_sheep_in/
%
What's the worst thing about being a black Jew?

You have to sit in the back of the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3kog/whats_the_worst_thing_about_being_a_black_jew/
%
Did you hear about the assassin who was given forty years to complete his assignment?

He had some time to kill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3hbf/did_you_hear_about_the_assassin_who_was_given/
%
[nsfw] I was telling my buddy about a girl I found at the train station late one night.

I told him how we really hit it off and I took her back to my place, I ate her out, and had sex over and over until morning. He asked if she returned the favor and went down on me too, I said no. I couldn't find her head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3hbh/nsfw_i_was_telling_my_buddy_about_a_girl_i_found/
%
Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3fdc/why_do_computer_programmers_confuse_halloween/
%
How does a Trumpie become a smooth talker?

Takes a laxative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3cfz/how_does_a_trumpie_become_a_smooth_talker/
%
"I'm into homosexual necrophilia."

...Tom said, in dead earnest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3bog/im_into_homosexual_necrophilia/
%
A boy tells his father that humans are cruel

"Hmm okay, but why?" asked the father.
"Well some people out there are hanging horses" said the son.
The father let out a confused chuckle, "What do you mean people are hanging horses?!"
The son tells him "well I overheard mum telling her friend that the plumber who came over to fix the drain pipes was hung like a horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3bgs/a_boy_tells_his_father_that_humans_are_cruel/
%
How do you know if a woman uses a vibrator when pregnant

The kid stutters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3arh/how_do_you_know_if_a_woman_uses_a_vibrator_when/
%
Will Will Smith Smith?

Yes... Will Smith will smith

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a3a8z/will_will_smith_smith/
%
Roses are red...

Roses are red
Violets are red
HOLY SHIT MY GARDEN IS ON FIRE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a39bk/roses_are_red/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a310i/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
Charles Dickens walks into a bar

He orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2zwh/charles_dickens_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I’ll never forget my wife's last words

“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2xdp/ill_never_forget_my_wifes_last_words/
%
A white man walks up to a doctor

and says, "Hey, I want you to make me black".
The doctor says, "OK, but I'll have to make you 70% darker and 30% stupider. Are you okay with that?"
The man agrees, and then the doctor performs the operation. After the man wakes back up, the doctor says to him, "I'm sorry, but I screwed up. I accidentally made you 70% stupider and 30% darker".
The man replies, "¿Qué?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2wv9/a_white_man_walks_up_to_a_doctor/
%
The scariest punchline to a long-running joke:

"Welcome to the Oval Office, President Trump!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2wnt/the_scariest_punchline_to_a_longrunning_joke/
%
Walking down the street today someone handed me a free air guitar...

No strings attached...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2w19/walking_down_the_street_today_someone_handed_me_a/
%
Challenge

Only a Genius can say these four words, Four times Really fast without getting Tongue twisted.
Eye , Yum , Stew , Peed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2ve3/challenge/
%
Why don't they have bars in Syria?

Because, they prefer to get bombed at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2stt/why_dont_they_have_bars_in_syria/
%
What did the poor, unfortunate, paraplegic kid get for christmas?

Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2sga/what_did_the_poor_unfortunate_paraplegic_kid_get/
%
I keep seeing yards with signs supporting Trump

But I don't see any walls around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2s8j/i_keep_seeing_yards_with_signs_supporting_trump/
%
What did the suicide bomber instructor say to his class?

Now pay attention class, I'm only going to do this once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2r05/what_did_the_suicide_bomber_instructor_say_to_his/
%
The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2q3q/the_doctor_gave_me_4_months_to_live/
%
A man was nervously waiting for a job interview when the receptionist warned him about the boss...

A man was nervously waiting for a job interview when the receptionist warned him about the boss. "Before you go in for your interview," she said, "just be aware that he doesn't have any ears and he's super sensitive about it. Whatever you do, don't draw any attention to it."
"Oh, ok thanks!" said the man.
When he went in for the interview the man with no ears looks at him and said, "do you notice anything about me?"
Stunned at how odd the man looked without ears, he could not help but to say, "wow you don't have ears."
"GET OUT!" the boss screamed.
Another man came in and the receptionist gave him the same warning. "Whatever you do, don't bring up his ears."
"Got it!" said the second man confidently.
He was trying not to stare at the boss' head when the boss said, "you notice something about me?"
Not able to hold it in, "Yeah you don't have any ears that just so weird!"
"GET OUT!" the boss screamed.
A third man came and and the receptionist dutifully gave him the same warning. "Whatever you do, just don't bring any attention to the fact that the boss doesn't have ears."
"No problem," he said.
When the third man met the boss, he looked strangely at him. The boss said, "do you notice anything about me?"
"Yeah, you wear contact lenses." the man confidently replied.
"Wow that's amazing! How did you know that?" said the boss bewildered.
"Well you have to, glasses would fall right off your face because you have no ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2ppz/a_man_was_nervously_waiting_for_a_job_interview/
%
LGBT should rename themselves BLTG.

It's more tasteful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2o17/lgbt_should_rename_themselves_bltg/
%
An Old Hillbilly Goes to Town

There's an old hillbilly that's lived nearly his entire life so far up in Ozarks away from most modern society.
One day he decides to go into town for a change of pace. He's driving his old pickup truck down a main street and spots an antique shop with some nice looking furniture and other things in the window.
He decides to go look around in that shop and spots an old mirror. Looking into it, he exclaims, "Well I'll be damned! It's a picture of me pappy!" He buys the mirror immediately and starts heading back up to his home.
On the way, he remembers that his wife always hated his father and figures it'd be best if he hid the mirror in his work shed. Every morning for the next few days he gets up early and sneaks off to admire the "portrait".
The wife starts getting suspicious of his behavior, as it's not like him to be getting up and sneaking around like that, and she begins to wonder if he's hiding evidence of an affair.
One morning, while the old hillbilly is out working on his land, the wife sneaks over to the work shed and spots something unusual hidden under a tarp in the corner.
She lifts the cover, looks into the mirror and screams, "So that's the ugly old bitch he's been runnin' around with!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2ndv/an_old_hillbilly_goes_to_town/
%
Political correctness has reached the level of absurdity

For example, we can't say brown paint. Instead we should say "please paint that wall, Jose"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2n5c/political_correctness_has_reached_the_level_of/
%
So...Liverpool F.C. sign new striker...

A real new hot shot from Afghanistan, the new wonder kid.
He has his debut and scores a hatrick.
After the game he calls his mum and tells her the good news.
"Mum, Mum I scored three goals in my first game!"
His mum replies..."Son that's all very good but I have some bad news."
"Over the Weekend, your father was shot by a sniper, your sister raped,  and I was robbed whilst shopping"
"Oh Mum I am so so sorry" the son says...
"SORRY!!!! It's your fault we moved to Liverpool" shouts the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2h7q/soliverpool_fc_sign_new_striker/
%
Doctor's Office

There was a girl that came into the doctor's office.
Then awed by her beauty all his professionalism goes riht out the window.
He tell her to take her pants off, then he starts to rub her thighs, he asked her "Do you know what I am doing?"
She replied "Yes checking for abnormalities."
Then he tell her to take off her bra and shirt and he rubs her boobs and asks her "Do you know what I am doing?"
She says tes checking for cancer.
Then he takes off her panties and starts having sex with her. Then he asks "Do you know what I am doing?"
She said "Yes getting HIV that's why i came here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2g98/doctors_office/
%
Bill: I hope Hillary will have better interns in the Oval Office than I did.

All of mine sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2fzy/bill_i_hope_hillary_will_have_better_interns_in/
%
I'd like to thank my boyfriend for translating "mucho" for me

It means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2dxm/id_like_to_thank_my_boyfriend_for_translating/
%
I found a spider in my shoes today

He looked so ridiculous they were way to big for him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2dqx/i_found_a_spider_in_my_shoes_today/
%
When's the best time to procrastinate?

Later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2cts/whens_the_best_time_to_procrastinate/
%
How many bones are there in a graveyard?

A skeleTON.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2cjg/how_many_bones_are_there_in_a_graveyard/
%
Great minds think alike...

That's why we have so many opinions in America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2bwl/great_minds_think_alike/
%
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school...

Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2box/little_april_was_not_the_best_student_in_sunday/
%
On a college road trip...

In college I joined a student group called Students Against Undergraduates Drinking Irresponsibly (SAUDI for short). As you can probably tell it was committed to reducing the number and severity of alcohol related incidents on campus. After a successful semester some friends from SAUDI and I took a road trip to a nearby beach. On the way there I took a turn at the wheel. After a few minutes I realized that all the other cars on the road were Toyota Centuries. The others in the car also found this curious and so we agreed that I should begin to accelerate and see how many Centuries there were. Amazingly, after we passed the first few there were even more. I managed to catch up to the 20th consecutive one before realizing the car's check engine light was on. I pulled off the road and went to an auto shop to get it checked out. The mechanic said we had a small leak in our oil tank and we'd need to replace both the tank and the oil. We all chipped in some cash, but found we didn't have enough to both buy the new tank and fill it. Crestfallen, I turned to my friends and said, "Too bad the oil money is preventing the SAUDI society from catching up to the 21st Century."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a2az7/on_a_college_road_trip/
%
Why did the cannibal go to KFC?

He heard it was finger licking good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a28lt/why_did_the_cannibal_go_to_kfc/
%
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a28dh/why_does_helen_keller_masturbate_with_one_hand/
%
What would a cross-dressing psychologist wear?

A Freudian slip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a26x7/what_would_a_crossdressing_psychologist_wear/
%
A black guy walks into a bar.

Don't worry he's still in his cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a26g4/a_black_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
When buying a new bed, don't be too quick to make a decision

You've gotta sleep on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a1y83/when_buying_a_new_bed_dont_be_too_quick_to_make_a/
%
The Thing About Godzilla Sex...

Is that you can see it coming a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a1xmg/the_thing_about_godzilla_sex/
%
I haven't seen my son in months

One day a boy come home looking exactly like him but he said he was hungry. Son I don't know who this hungry guy is but I miss you, please come home. -Dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a1rt7/i_havent_seen_my_son_in_months/
%
I recently read a book by Donald Trump on finance

It had 9 chapter 11s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a1r61/i_recently_read_a_book_by_donald_trump_on_finance/
%
Did you hear about the baker who got electrocuted last week?

He stood on a bun and a currant shot up his leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a1njn/did_you_hear_about_the_baker_who_got_electrocuted/
%
How to wear a condom?

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a1jr2/how_to_wear_a_condom/
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Joseph was changing Jesus' diaper

Joseph slowly takes out Jesus' dirty diaper, when Mary suddenly asks, "What's inside?". Joseph exclaimed "Holy shit!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a1fgc/joseph_was_changing_jesus_diaper/
%
Good jokes are like pizza.

This is not a pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a17t5/good_jokes_are_like_pizza/
%
A man notices a TV for sale.

"Hey, how much is this TV?"
The salesman replies "1 dollar."
"Only a dollar? Why so cheap?"
The salesman tells him "the sound is stuck on the highest volume."
"So it's always on the highest volume? And it's only one dollar?"
"Yup."
"Wow, can't turn that down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a16fm/a_man_notices_a_tv_for_sale/
%
Organic chemistry is difficult

Those who study it have alkynes of trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a13wf/organic_chemistry_is_difficult/
%
I'm going to name my dick Pride.

So when I fuck your mom, she will be filled with Pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a11ol/im_going_to_name_my_dick_pride/
%
I painted my computer black last night

Now it runs much faster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a10wy/i_painted_my_computer_black_last_night/
%
Why aren't there Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Because there are Targets on every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a10h5/why_arent_there_walmarts_in_afghanistan/
%
What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone.
"Wing wing".
"Halo?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0zzo/what_has_two_wings_and_a_halo/
%
Jesus wasn't angry at the soldiers who crucifixed him

He was just crossed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0zjl/jesus_wasnt_angry_at_the_soldiers_who_crucifixed/
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Four facts about women that prove they can do miracles.

1. They can get wet without taking a shower.
2. Bleed without being hurt.
3. Producing milk without eating grass.
4. Making boneless meat hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0ziq/four_facts_about_women_that_prove_they_can_do/
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How many kidnapped children does it take to change a lightbulb?

The parents would love to know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0ys0/how_many_kidnapped_children_does_it_take_to/
%
How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0uv6/how_do_you_make_a_tissue_dance/
%
Knight vs dragon

A knight is fighting a dragon. He cuts its head, but the dragon grows two new heads. The knight cuts them, but the dragon grows 4 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 8 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 16 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 32 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 64 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 128 heads. The knight cuts them and the dragon is finally dead.
It was an 8-bit dragon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0uov/knight_vs_dragon/
%
Little Johnny is in the classroom, learning how to add

"How much is two plus two, Johnny?" asks the teacher.
Johnny hesitates, looks at his hand, and starts counting with his fingers: "One, two, three,
four!" he exclaims.
"No, no. Johnny," says the teacher. "You can't use your hands. You have to count in your head. So, how much is four plus four, Johnny?" she asks again.
Johnny hides his hands behind his back and whispering to himself, counts, "One, two,
three, four... eight!" he shouts triumphantly.
"No, no, no, Johnny!" replies the teacher angrily. "Now put your hands in your pockets
and tell me how much is five plus five?"
Johnny puts his hands in his pockets, concentrates, takes a few minutes and then cries out, "Eleven, ma'am!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0tbn/little_johnny_is_in_the_classroom_learning_how_to/
%
How many ants can you fit inside an apartment ?

Ten-ants !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0sno/how_many_ants_can_you_fit_inside_an_apartment/
%
Why do babies make bad mechanics?

They have poorly developed motor skills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0ove/why_do_babies_make_bad_mechanics/
%
Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 Jumpers. They went 79 stories in 10 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0oq0/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
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My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom

This morning we synthesised a new protein chain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0o90/my_girlfriend_said_we_should_experiment_more_in/
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So an A, a C, and an E walk into a bar

Upon seeing them, the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve minors".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0nh4/so_an_a_a_c_and_an_e_walk_into_a_bar/
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Tomorrow you should turn back our clocks one hour. for Daylight Saving Time

Unless you're Arabic, in which case you should set it forward 14 centuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0m2t/tomorrow_you_should_turn_back_our_clocks_one_hour/
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An epileptic in the bath.

I was in the pub last night when I told my mates the joke about "What to you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
Well, bloke on the next table turns round and says very solemnly, "My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath."
The bloke then says "Yeah, he choked on a sock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0lqd/an_epileptic_in_the_bath/
%
Don't you just hate it when you can't go to someone's funeral

Because that person is still alive?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0jwu/dont_you_just_hate_it_when_you_cant_go_to/
%
What do you call four Mexicans drowning?

Cuatro sinko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0j4y/what_do_you_call_four_mexicans_drowning/
%
And the lord said to John "Come forth and receive eternal life"

But john came fifth, and only won a toaster!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0i77/and_the_lord_said_to_john_come_forth_and_receive/
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A Horse Walks Into A Bar

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore, I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0het/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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Police are puzzled by the theft of the police station bathrooms. ..

Detectives released a statement saying that "They have nothing to go on".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0dku/police_are_puzzled_by_the_theft_of_the_police/
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My wife told me she wanted to go somewhere she's never been before.

I told her to try the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a0b3h/my_wife_told_me_she_wanted_to_go_somewhere_shes/
%
Three action movie stars are sitting in a bar

So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."
Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"
"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"
That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5a05h9/three_action_movie_stars_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
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A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.
"It's the blind man" he called.
That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.
"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zyfd/a_woman_was_having_a_shower/
%
What does "IDK" mean?

I keep asking people, but they don't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zvbz/what_does_idk_mean/
%
What does a college kid do when confronted by an evil spirit?

He drinks it just like he drinks every other kind of spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zue9/what_does_a_college_kid_do_when_confronted_by_an/
%
I used to have a student who suffered from suicidal thoughts

but now I don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zsdl/i_used_to_have_a_student_who_suffered_from/
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Did you hear about the kid who got his legs blown off?

He's a whole two feet shorter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zpzh/did_you_hear_about_the_kid_who_got_his_legs_blown/
%
Did you know Hitler was blinded in WW1?

That's when he became a not-see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zprg/did_you_know_hitler_was_blinded_in_ww1/
%
I had a threesome with two girls. They said they were 28 years old...

How was I supposed to know they meant combined? They really look like adults, especially the 20-years old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zpd6/i_had_a_threesome_with_two_girls_they_said_they/
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What's Trump's favorite place to shop?

*Wall-Mart*
^^pls ^^no ^^kill ^^I ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^at ^^2 ^^in ^^the ^^morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zon0/whats_trumps_favorite_place_to_shop/
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A Greek, a Spaniard and a Portuguese all walk into a bar. Who pays?

Germany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zocm/a_greek_a_spaniard_and_a_portuguese_all_walk_into/
%
I have 2 moods.

Sleep is for the weak and I want to sleep for a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zo1t/i_have_2_moods/
%
I just got one of those workout watches

apparently i've masturbated 5.8 miles today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59znrv/i_just_got_one_of_those_workout_watches/
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Caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend.

I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.
Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.
At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zn8u/caught_my_wife_of_7_years_cheating_with_my_best/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zlll/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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I have an uncle in Texas

He's a wealthy guy, made it big in oil. He recently decided to build a new pool for his house. Of course, being a Texan it couldn't be just any pool. He decided to build the biggest pool of anyone he knew. I don't know exactly how big it was, but it had to be at least a couple hundred yards long.
The things, my uncle's also got a bit of an eccentric streak to him. I don't know if it was the money, or Texas, or just something about him, but the end result was that he decided to add some excitement to the pool. So he purchased some dangerous animals. Eels, Sharks, Gators, you name it.
Then, once he gets all that done, he decides he needs to show it off. So he invites all his friends and family to come down and take a look at his brand new pool. Once he has everyone there and gathered around the pool, he starts talking:
"Friends, Family, I've got a proposition for you. As you all know, I've built the finest pool around, but a pool's no good if no one swims in it. So, the first person to swim the length of this here pool will get one of three rewards:
"1. A million dollars
"2. Half my land
"or 3. My daughter's hand in marriage"
Well, no sooner does my Uncle finish saying this, there's a splash at one end of the pool. Everyone looks, and there's a young man, probably early 20's bobbing around in the shallows. Well he gets himself together pretty quickly, and he starts swimming. It's a hard fought swim, too. I don't know if I ever seen one man go through so much. Finally, though, beaten, battered, and bruised he makes it to the other end of the pool and climbs out. My uncle goes up to him and says:
"Son, I gotta admit, I didn't think anyone was gonna be able to do this. That's a damn fine thing you done. So what do you want? The million dollars?"
"No, sir"
"Well, is it half my land?"
"No, sir"
"Ahaaa, you want my daughter's hand in marriage?"
"Uh, no sir. No."
"Huh. Well, that's all I was offering, but I tell you what, if you could have anything in the world, what would it be?"
"Sir, if I could have anything in the world, I'd kill to have the name of the guy who pushed me in back there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zig4/i_have_an_uncle_in_texas/
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

& they're like "How did your milkshake develop a gravitational pull that was gender specific?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zect/my_milkshake_brings_all_the_boys_to_the_yard/
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Clinton still leads Trump by 2!

FBI Investigations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zch2/clinton_still_leads_trump_by_2/
%
close to Dave's joke with a Pope

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a professional driver with a nice Bmw M5. Usually it's a limousine but lately pope enjoys more like sports cars.  He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know brother, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you mind?''
The driver is confused and hesistant and says, ''I'm really sorry Pope, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''
" I have clear orders to transport you safe"
But the pope persists, ''Kid, i do understund that, but i really would like to drive besides who do you think gave the orders for you to show up here today??'' Pope with a serious voice.
The driver then thinks that he really cannot get in trouble, i mean it's Pope. When i don't let him drive this might as well be by last day of work or he thinks.
So the pope takes the wheel  everything is smooth. Pope tells the driver to tune in some music as they drive towards the highway just one intersection ahead with a red light. Pope then says quietly "oh my god how long i wanted to do that" "Whats that?" driver asks as he did not hear what pope sayd. Pope says nothing.
They stop at the red light and then out the blue when green light hits pope takes off like a race driver -1st gear 5000rpm-2nd gear 6000rpm-3rd 7000rpm-engine roaring madly then forht and fifth gear as he hits the gas and goes over 100 mph  still in a 45 zone.
Driver is shocked and at first he could not get a word out to say anything as he was worried to look at the road.
Finally driver is able to speak and he almost screams at pope to stop the car "Oh relax kiddo" says pope as they take off into highway where pope then really puts the car into test and within seconds they hit 150mph. Pope has a big smile as driver near him is almost crying. With all the thoughts that what could happen as he remembers the contract he signed before coming to pick up Pope. *An absolute safety was required* and if anything happens with Pope he was guaranteed to go away for life.
A policeman notices speeding car and takes off to stop it. Pope and a driver notice red flashing lights catching up in rear mirror. Driver then again almost screams that this is police after us and you must stop now! Pope looks not to be bothered and continues. Cop car now gets really close and over the loud speakers gives instructions to pull over. Still nothing. Then again from loud speakers cop commands to pull over or shots will be fired. Driver is now crying as he thinks that hes life is over. As pope sees him crying he then start to slowly break and pulls over.
The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and confused, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute and he runs back to the car.
He and radios the chief.
Cop: ''Chief, I have a serious problem.''
Chief: ''What sort of problem?''
Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.''
Chief: ''Important like the mayor?''
Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that, I think i fucked up sir.''
Chief: ''Important like the governor?''
Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that sir.''
Chief: ''Like the president?''
Cop: ''More more more sir. I believe im in so much trouble, pleaee chief you have to help me"
Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?" chief then angry and confused at the same time.
Cop: ''I don't know chief, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59zc3t/close_to_daves_joke_with_a_pope/
%
What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59z6jk/whats_the_difference_between_meat_and_fish/
%
An Ancient Roman walks into a bar..

Holds up two fingers and says "Five glasses of wine please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59z40q/an_ancient_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A guy walks into a diner with an ostrich.

The waitress comes up to take their order. The guy says, "I'll have the fried mozarella sticks, triple bacon cheeseburger, and extra fries with chili and cheese on them."
The waitress looks at the guy, stunned- he's in great shape, and she's amazed that he could eat like that and maintain his body.
The waitresses even more amazed when the ostrich opens its mouth and says "Me too!"
The waitress brings the food and is once again stunned as the man eats everything on his plate. She asks if they want dessert. The guy says "I'll have chocolate cake and apple pie with a big bowl of ice cream." And the ostrich says "Me too!"
The man, again, cleans his plate. The waitress can't believe what she is seeing.
She brings the man the check. The man pulls out his wallet, and without even looking at the check or his wallet, pulls out exactly as much cash as he needs to pay the bill, plus a healthy 20% tip.
Finally the waitress can't stay quiet any longer. "Excuse me sir.... I just have to say, this is been the most unusual meal that I've ever seen anyone have here."
"Oh yeah," says the man. "I guess it might seem pretty strange."
"Strange?" says the waitress, "That was a huge meal, and you ate it all! But you're so fit! And then you paid exactly what you needed to for the meal without even having to count it or even know how much it was! And, you have a talking ostrich! What in the world is going on?"
The man nods his head. "Well, a few weeks ago I was in an antique store and I found this old lamp. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and told me I could have three wishes. So for the first wish, I wished that I could eat anything I want and always maintain a great body."
"Wow, what a great wish!" she said.
"Then for my second wish, I wished that I would always have enough money in my wallet to pay for anything I would possibly want."
"My goodness!", she said. "That's so smart! If you had wished for a million dollars, or ten million dollars, you might eventually run out of money, but with that wish you'll never run out!"
There's a long pause as she stares at the man.
Finally she says, "But why do you have a talking ostrich?"
The man sighs. " I told the genie I wanted a chick with long legs who would agree with everything I said."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59z3qh/a_guy_walks_into_a_diner_with_an_ostrich/
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My dad told me this joke a while back, haven't seen it on here before

A man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, he starts freaking out. Suddenly the devil appears.
"Whoa, whoa easy bro. What's wrong?" The devil asks.
"What's wrong? What's wrong! I'm in hell!"
The devil sighs. "You know, hell really gets a bad wrap. It's actually not bad. Do you like drinking?"
"Well, yeah..."
"Good, you'll like Mondays. Do you like doing drugs?"
"Yeah."
"Then you'll like Tuesdays. Do you like sex?"
"He'll yeah! I love sex!"
The devil chuckles "Good, you'll like Wednesdays." The devil puts his hand in the man shoulder and looks him in the eye. "Now, are you a homosexual?"
"Uh, no, I'm not gay."
"Then you're gonna hate Thursdays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59yzvk/my_dad_told_me_this_joke_a_while_back_havent_seen/
%
What do you call a hippie's wife?

Mississippi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ywym/what_do_you_call_a_hippies_wife/
%
Did you hear about the CEO with no ears?

There was a CEO with no ears and he was hiring new employees, the interviews went a little like this:
The first interview went fine for the most part but then came the last question.
CEO: Alright, the jobs requirement is to be very keen to detail. Tell me, what is something you noticed about me during this interview?
Man: Well uh you don't have any ears sir.
The CEO got livid and was yelling and cursing him forcing the man to leave. The man sat in the waiting room outside of the CEO's office thinking to himself what went wrong, he later saw another person being interviewed.
The CEO asked the same question and the person also gave the same answer, the same aftermath. Later, another person was about to walk in and the man stopped him and said "hey don't mention anything about his ears, he's very sensitive about them.". The person thanked him and walked in.
This is what went down:
CEO: Alright, the jobs requirement is to be very keen to detail. Tell me, what is something you noticed about me during this interview?
The person sat there and looked at him a while... and then said:
Person: You wear contacts.
CEO: I DO! HOW'D YOU KNOW
Person: Well you can't wear glasses because you don't have any fucking ears!
~my uncle told me this and way better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59yw62/did_you_hear_about_the_ceo_with_no_ears/
%
"Let's start today's english class with the alphabet," says the teacher

"Who can give me a word beginning with the letter 'A'? "
"Asshole!" says Frank
"Frank! That's not a nice word!
OK then, who can give me a word beginning with the letter B?"
"Bastard!" says Susie!
"Susie! That's not a nice word!" Says the teacher, who now decides to miss out the letter C,
"OK who can give me a word beginning with the letter D?"
"Dwarf!" says little Johnny.
"Very good Johnny! Can you tell everyone what a dwarf is?"
"It's a little cunt about half as tall as me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ysgd/lets_start_todays_english_class_with_the_alphabet/
%
I broke up with my gym

We were just not working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59yr0z/i_broke_up_with_my_gym/
%
I was born pessimist

My Blood Group is B negative

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59yqch/i_was_born_pessimist/
%
My mom is the healthiest person I know...

She's been a vegetable her whole life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59yq5w/my_mom_is_the_healthiest_person_i_know/
%
What gets easier to pick up the more it weighs?

Women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ylvf/what_gets_easier_to_pick_up_the_more_it_weighs/
%
Boy: My love for you is like counting the stars..

Girl: Oww, Infinite?
Boy:  Nope, Pointless ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59yjij/boy_my_love_for_you_is_like_counting_the_stars/
%
Everyone told me to follow the dreams

So, I went back to bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59yjak/everyone_told_me_to_follow_the_dreams/
%
Why are Redditors so good at fencing?

Because they always riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59yja0/why_are_redditors_so_good_at_fencing/
%
Descartes walks into a bar

Descartes walks up to the counter
"I shall have a beer." Descartes proclaims
The barkeeper gives him a big mug of beer
"Another one." Descartes says
The barkeeper gets another mug of beer for him
"I'll have another one, please."
The barkeeper fills up another mug
After 3 more drinks, the barkeeper asks
"Are you an alcoholic? You've had quite a few."
Descartes responds, "I drink, therefore I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ycnw/descartes_walks_into_a_bar/
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What kind of joke do you tell to a vegetarian?

One they've never herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ybg8/what_kind_of_joke_do_you_tell_to_a_vegetarian/
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How do you know if Jeffrey Dahmer smoked?

They found butts behind his couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59yaf5/how_do_you_know_if_jeffrey_dahmer_smoked/
%
A dung beetle walks into a bar.

He says, "Is this stool taken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59y7lk/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar/
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The students of a medical school are attending their first biochemistry class.

They all gathered around the lab table with a urine sample. The professor dipped his finger in urine & tasted it.
Then he asked the students to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes, but at last every one dipped their finger in the urine sample and tasted it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them & said: The most important quality is 'Observation'.  I dipped my middle finger but tasted the index finger. Today you just learned how to pay attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59y564/the_students_of_a_medical_school_are_attending/
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My favourite blonde joke

So a blonde, a brunette and a red head all escaped from prison. As they were running out of the prison they came across a barn and thought they should hide in there until the police stopped looking for them. As they arrive they saw a few empty sacks and decided to hop into the different ones.
A few minutes later they hear the police sirens right outside the barn, they heard the police hop out and one of them said "yeah, they ain't in here." The other said "just kick the sacks to make sure they aren't in any of them" so the police office kicked the first bag with the brunette in it and the brunette meowed, "it's just a stupid cat" the police officer said, he kicked the next one with the red head in it and the red head made some barking sounds. "It's just a dumb dog" the police officer said. He comes up to the third bag, the one with the blonde in it, and kicks it. "Potatoes" the bag replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59y4w6/my_favourite_blonde_joke/
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2 Bees and a Dog

2 Bees and a dog are in a car together, Driving along they suddenly run out of fuel. One of the bees gets out of the car opens the fuel cap and takes a piss in it. They continue on for another 100 miles until they run out of fuel again. The second bee then gets out and also takes a piss in the fuel tank. They continue on for another 100 miles but run out of fuel again!
So the dog hops out, starts taking a piss in the fuel tank as well. One bee yells out to him "there's no point pissing in the fuel tank, this car only runs on BP"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59y2zg/2_bees_and_a_dog/
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What did one ghost say to the other ghost?

"Do you believe in life before death?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xyvl/what_did_one_ghost_say_to_the_other_ghost/
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What does a time traveler do when he's hungry?

He goes back 4 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xwle/what_does_a_time_traveler_do_when_hes_hungry/
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What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hareline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xwj6/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_rabbits_walking/
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Some dude was planning on stealing an airplane..

He went to an online bookstore and bought a book  titled "How to Fly an Airplane," he then went to the airport and somehow he was able to bypass the security. Once he was in the Airplane, he sat in the pilot's seat, opened the book and followed the instructions step by step. Eventually he was able to fly the airplane, once he was in the air he turned to the last page and saw "Don't forget to buy the next book in this series, (How to Land an Airplane) use code PILOTE101 for 15% off your  purchase." Word has it he is still up in the sky to this day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xsw8/some_dude_was_planning_on_stealing_an_airplane/
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A Businessman is on his way to a meeting...

He then found that he desperately needed to take a shit. He pulls over to the nearest gas station and goes into the bathroom. Once he finishes he realizes there isn't any toilet paper and the other stall is locked. He see's a small hole in the wall of the stall he was in with writing above it that said "No toilet paper? Use your fingers then stick them through here to be licked clean" "What?! Hell no, I'm not doing that" says the man. After a while though he gave in and thought to himself "I'm going to be so late. Screw it, I really need to get out of here." So the man wipes his ass with his fingers then sticks them in the little hole. Immediately, he hears a loud SMACK and a sharp pain in his fingers. Almost instantaneously he pulls his fingers back and began sucking to dull the pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xrbi/a_businessman_is_on_his_way_to_a_meeting/
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If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions...

I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xmof/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_i_lost_something/
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection...

Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xku8/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
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Man, Asians drive so bad . . .

I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xkkk/man_asians_drive_so_bad/
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Don't invest in skiing companies

The whole sport is going down hill fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xk17/dont_invest_in_skiing_companies/
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I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

He said: "How flexible are you?"
I said: "I can’t make Tuesdays".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xjtc/i_said_to_the_gym_instructor_can_you_teach_me_to/
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A guy needs a horse.

A guy needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order for it to go, he would say “Thank God” and for it to stop he would have to say “Amen”.
So the guy went, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. A few hours later, he woke up and was going off the edge of a cliff. So he shouted “Amen!” and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.
“Whew,” he said. “Thank God.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xj2d/a_guy_needs_a_horse/
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Who's the top selling author in Russia?

Salman Rush B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xi87/whos_the_top_selling_author_in_russia/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xg8b/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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A lie-detector robot

A man buys a lie-detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner
DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school *Robot slaps son*
SON: Ok, I went to the movies
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy story *Robot slaps son again*
SON: Ok, ok...damn it! It was Day with a Porn Star!
DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was! *Robot slaps Dad*
MOM: Haha...what a liar. Don't be upset anymore honey. After all, he's still your son. *Robot slaps Mom*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xe2r/a_liedetector_robot/
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My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xc1g/my_brother_wanted_to_play_cowboys_and_indians/
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Failed my biology test today...

...They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59xa5t/failed_my_biology_test_today/
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Do you know what happens when you click a link without knowing what it is?

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59x5pz/do_you_know_what_happens_when_you_click_a_link/
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The Duke ordered his subjects not to dig tunnels beneath his land but the King gave them permission to do so,

He felt undermined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59x522/the_duke_ordered_his_subjects_not_to_dig_tunnels/
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Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59x4ig/seeing_her_friend_sally_wearing_a_new_locket_meg/
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What is a feminists least favourite subject at school?

Triggernometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59x3nb/what_is_a_feminists_least_favourite_subject_at/
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel?

Sparky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59x23j/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_hind_legs_and/
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Which two letters on the keyboard are the furthest from each other?

X and V. There's a C between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59x0lm/which_two_letters_on_the_keyboard_are_the/
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What do you call a shoe with no grip?

A slipper.
(Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59x07d/what_do_you_call_a_shoe_with_no_grip/
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All these phone companies advertising for "More lines, more savings!"

But when I do more lines my savings go to shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59wyqq/all_these_phone_companies_advertising_for_more/
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My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.
When they left, I immediately told him I was not going to give him the DVD, but him being the autist he is, he starts bothering me about it every couple of seconds, but luckily, quiets down before dinner.
He asked for it once more while we were having lunch, and when I responded negatively again, he took his plate and ran into my treehouse. His parents make me go check on him.
Little did he know, you were able to remove the treehouse ladder, and since I was 12 at the time, I removed them and went to go get icecream in the house. I'm forced to ask him if he wants some, but when I leave the house, he's there and he thinks he's controlling me because I came to see him twice already, so he tells me to run around like a chicken. I tell him about the ice cream and how he isn't getting any, and he starts crying and screaming at me to let him get back down. I tell him: "Never gonna give you "Up", never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and dessert you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59wyps/my_autistic_cousin_came_to_visit/
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So the FBI is reopening their investigation due to emails found on computers at Anthony Weiner's house.

If these emails bring Hillary down, it'll be the first time she's been screwed by a Weiner in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59wy3h/so_the_fbi_is_reopening_their_investigation_due/
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May god bless German engineering, Italian cooking, and English humor.

And may god damn Italian engineering, English cooking, and German humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59wswt/may_god_bless_german_engineering_italian_cooking/
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My mother never attempted to wean me off of breast feeding. Just cut me off entirely one day...

...as if that first year of college wasn't difficult enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59wni0/my_mother_never_attempted_to_wean_me_off_of/
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Im proud to be a black man!

Said the black man
Im proud to be an asian man! Said the asian man
Im proud to be a white man! Said the racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59wngx/im_proud_to_be_a_black_man/
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My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'

What the make love is she talking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59wn8p/my_girlfriend_said_that_i_should_use_the_term/
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Suicide Attempt

A Texan looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump off and end his life.
"Stop," he yelled, "Remember you're someone who has value!"
The man yelled back, "I just lost everything of value in the stock market!"
"But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Texan.
"She divorced me, the whore."
"Your children! Remember your children," yelled the Texan.
"They never call," said the man.
"Then your parents. Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.
"Dead as doornails," said the man.
"Then 'Remember the Alamo'!" yelled the Texan.
"What's the Alamo?" inquired the man.
And the Texan replied: "Jump, you Yankee son of a bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59wmn0/suicide_attempt/
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Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls...

I was in the women's bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59wll1/today_i_was_asked_to_go_out_by_20_girls/
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What do Mexican people use to keep warm?

Faheaters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59wje9/what_do_mexican_people_use_to_keep_warm/
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Robert called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner

*"Hello?"* said a little girl's voice.
*"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,"* said Robert. *"Is mommy near the phone?"*
*"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."* After a brief pause, he said, *"But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"*
*"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"*
*"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."*
*"Okay, Daddy!"*
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. *"I did what you said, Daddy."*
*"And what happened?"*
*"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."*
*"Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank?"*
*"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."* There was a long pause, then Robert said, "*Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59wfxn/robert_called_home_one_afternoon_to_see_what_his/
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Why did the blind woman fall into the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59wafe/why_did_the_blind_woman_fall_into_the_well/
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Which way did the programmer go?

He went data way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59w93j/which_way_did_the_programmer_go/
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I was asked to play guitar and sing for a homeless man's funeral...

The service was going to be held out in the middle of nowhere, and when I was on the way my gps got me lost. When I finally found the cemetery, it was too late, the cemetery workers were already digging the hole. I decided to sing my heart out to this homeless guy, after all he probably had no family or friends. I sang and played amazing Grace the best I could. The workers all took off their hats and came and stood around the hole with their hands behind their back. When I was finally done most of the men were in tears. As I was leaving I heard a man say, "Wow, I've never heard or seen anything like that and I've been putting in septic tanks for over 20 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59w8b8/i_was_asked_to_play_guitar_and_sing_for_a/
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I love Halloween

It's the only time of the year I'm not questioned for giving out sweets to small children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59w08b/i_love_halloween/
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I can't find a joke that was on here today

now I'll have to wait a few minutes until it's posted again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59w020/i_cant_find_a_joke_that_was_on_here_today/
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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students another challenge....

Dropping a white sheet of paper, she asks what it reminded them of..
Jody : Winter and the snow flakes falling
Teacher : Great Answer!
Billy : Fall and the leafs falling
Teacher : Good answer Billy...
Fred : SEX!!!
Teacher : What????
Fred : Listen darling, I think about sex 24/7... nothing your sheet of paper can do about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vzq5/on_friday_an_elementary_school_teacher_poses_her/
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I just watched a knot making documentary, it was really good!

Especially that ending, what a twist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vyct/i_just_watched_a_knot_making_documentary_it_was/
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Guy checks into a hotel with his family..

He goes up to the desk clerk and says, "I hope the porn here is disabled.."
The clerk is shocked and responds, "No, it's just regular porn, you sick fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vwwb/guy_checks_into_a_hotel_with_his_family/
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I can't find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it posted again :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vw52/i_cant_find_a_joke_i_read_here_yesterday/
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My ex-wife accused me of being a crossdresser...

So I packed her things and left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vtw3/my_exwife_accused_me_of_being_a_crossdresser/
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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 8 fellas but dropped his microphone on his foot.......and shouted "Fuck me!"
What happened next will haunt me for life!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vtll/i_felt_sorry_for_the_hypnotist_i_saw_last_night/
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A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem."  And POOF!  She was a smartphone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vsjy/a_woman_found_a_magic_lamp_on_the_beach_rubbed_it/
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Childhood is like getting drunk..

... everyone remembers what you did except you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vsdc/childhood_is_like_getting_drunk/
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A drunk man staggers into an empty church.

He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.
"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma *shotgun* and give ya what for!"
And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.
Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the back and saw the whole thing. He doesn't want any trouble, so he calls up a couple of friends, and together they take the big crucifix down and hide it. As an afterthought, the priest leaves a small desk crucifix in its place.
Sure enough, the drunk man comes back with his shotgun. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the tiny crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right in front of it, he leans over real close and says,
"*Hey, kid*-- where's yer dad at?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vqpb/a_drunk_man_staggers_into_an_empty_church/
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A Joke I Remember from Grade 5

There are four men flying in a small plane above the Atlantic ocean; the pilot, the smartest man in the world, and a father and son. Suddenly the plane starts to go down and the pilot emerges from the cockpit and tells everybody that there are only 3 parachutes.
The smartest man in the world exclaims, "I'm the smartest man in the world! People need me!" and he grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The pilot says, "I have a wife and kids at home, and they need me!" and he takes the second parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The father looks at his son with tears in his eyes and says, "Son, you can take the last parachute."
The son looks back at his father and says, "It's okay, Dad, the smartest man in the world took my backpack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vqiw/a_joke_i_remember_from_grade_5/
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Professor: What inspired you to write this essay?

.... the due date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vq6f/professor_what_inspired_you_to_write_this_essay/
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What's the difference between me and an egg?

Eggs get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vq0w/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_an_egg/
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A sandwich walks into a bar

The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vn07/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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I was sat on the beach with my girlfriend the other day.

After a while, I turned to her and said, "If you were to see someone in a bra and knickers at the beach, you would think they are crazy. But somehow it's perfectly acceptable to wear a bikini, which is stupid as it's basically the same thing."
She said, "I don't care. Please, just take them off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vm5i/i_was_sat_on_the_beach_with_my_girlfriend_the/
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I once knew a vampire who refused to drink blood

He would satisfy his cravings with fake blood, which his body rejected and he ended up dying from it.
I asked him on his death bed how the fake blood tasted and he said "a little irony"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vjyy/i_once_knew_a_vampire_who_refused_to_drink_blood/
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Little Johnny is in English class...

And the teacher calls on the class. "Who can give me an example of a sentence using the word, 'Definitely'?"
Little Susie raises her hand, "The sky is definitely blue."
"Very good," replies the teacher, "but when it's nighttime the sky is black, and when it's raining the sky is grey. Anyone else?"
Little Timmy raises his hand,"Grass is definitely green."
"Very good," the teacher again replies, "But Kentucky has blue grass and grass turns brown as it dies. Anyone-"
Before she can finish, Little Johnny pipes up, "Teacher, do farts have lumps?"
"No, Little Johnny."
"Well, then, I definitely just shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59viun/little_johnny_is_in_english_class/
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It seems many women are turned off by Donald Trump...

Maybe it's because he rubs them the wrong way...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vir9/it_seems_many_women_are_turned_off_by_donald_trump/
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My friend with OCD keeps hitting F5...

he says he finds it refreshing.
I told him he needs help,
now he keeps hitting F1.
(edit- thanks to r/supremesnicker for the better punchline.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vfhj/my_friend_with_ocd_keeps_hitting_f5/
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Canadian money

The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going to remove the polar bear from the "Toonie" (two dollars) in view of its demise soon with global warming.
In the height of political correctness they will replace it with two gay deer. Instead of calling it a "toonie," it will now be called "two fucking bucks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vf1i/canadian_money/
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This one time, I went to prison, but I got out without a scratch-

I beat off all the other prisoners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vdsl/this_one_time_i_went_to_prison_but_i_got_out/
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To teach my kids about the election I let them vote for dinner.

They voted for pizza so I made tacos to teach them their vote doesn't matter anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59vbth/to_teach_my_kids_about_the_election_i_let_them/
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A pregnant lady runs into a hospital

and starts shouting "Can't! Won't! Shouldn't!"
One doctor turns to the other and says "Doctor! What's going on?"
The other doctor, with a smirk, says "She's having contractions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59v91r/a_pregnant_lady_runs_into_a_hospital/
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So I called my urologist...

Receptionist: "Can you hold?"
Me: "No...that's why I'm calling"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59v8zt/so_i_called_my_urologist/
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[OC] What do you get when you rub two orange juice boxes together?

Pulp friction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59uxze/oc_what_do_you_get_when_you_rub_two_orange_juice/
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What do you call Root Beer in a Square Glass?

Beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59uxux/what_do_you_call_root_beer_in_a_square_glass/
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My friend was called fat today.

I told him "It'll be okay, just keep your chins up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59uxb0/my_friend_was_called_fat_today/
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Did you hear about the french man who got raped by a group of mimes?

They did unspeakable things to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59uweq/did_you_hear_about_the_french_man_who_got_raped/
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superheros and religion are alot more similar than you think

Just a bunch people arguing whose fictional character is the best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59uwde/superheros_and_religion_are_alot_more_similar/
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A snake walks in to a bar...

Barman says "you can't do that"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59uur4/a_snake_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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How can you tell an ant's gender?

1. Get a glass full of water
2. Throw the ant into the glass
3. If it sinks, it's girl ant
4. If it floats, it's boy ant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59up5f/how_can_you_tell_an_ants_gender/
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Did you hear about the kid who used to google things about the past?

He has a history of having a history about history

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ultg/did_you_hear_about_the_kid_who_used_to_google/
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I've just been sentenced to 6 months in prism

It'll give me a chance to reflect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ulj4/ive_just_been_sentenced_to_6_months_in_prism/
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Did you hear about the racist Mexican?

He joined the que que que

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ujui/did_you_hear_about_the_racist_mexican/
%
Got a new roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers.

We are maid for each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ujq8/got_a_new_roommate_she_cleans_my_room_i_clean_hers/
%
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade...

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me
Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who
had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by
the People, for the People, shall not perish from the
Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham
Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be
ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows
more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his
hand up. 'General Custer, 1876.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm
gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who
said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush
to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck
this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and
shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997.'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little
shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying
against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the
teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're
screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think
it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th,
2008'....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59uenr/it_was_the_first_day_of_a_school_in_usa_and_a_new/
%
A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman

. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.
The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ubii/a_building_contracter_hires_an_englishman_an/
%
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator

The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59u9r6/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_alligator/
%
A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon

His friends gave him the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59u8ld/a_cannibal_showed_up_late_to_the_luncheon/
%
Why did the girl quit her job at the doughnut factory?

Because she was fed up with the hole business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59u8cq/why_did_the_girl_quit_her_job_at_the_doughnut/
%
I laughed at my friend for being unable to juggle...

Turns he just didn't have the balls to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59u83e/i_laughed_at_my_friend_for_being_unable_to_juggle/
%
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger...

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59u7tr/i_wondered_why_the_baseball_was_getting_bigger/
%
For Halloween, I've decided to go as the scariest thing I could think of

Hillary J. Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59u35t/for_halloween_ive_decided_to_go_as_the_scariest/
%
A ghost walks into a bar.

The bartender asks: what'll you have?
Ghost says: I'm here for the boos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59u1gf/a_ghost_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man is going fishing one day.

After awhile, he ran out of worms to use as bait. He noticed a cottonmouth with a frog hanging out of its mouth. Knowing frogs make good bait, he caught the snake. He picked it up by the back of the head since it couldn't bite him with a frog in its mouth. The man removes the frog and thinks "how do I let the snake go without being bit?". So, with his free hand, he reaches into his box and pulls out his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours some in the snake's mouth. The snake goes limp and the man is able to release it without getting bit. Hours later, he's done fishing and packing stuff up when he feels something on his foot. He looks down and it's the same snake, with two more frogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ty8e/a_man_is_going_fishing_one_day/
%
Did you hear the one about the Monastery?

There once was a monastery located in a small town. Over the years, less and less people were donating to the monastery and the friars that lived there started to fret about lack of funds. The friars sat night after night, brainstorming into the wee hours of the morning. Finally, they decided that in order to raise money they would start selling flowers. News of this plan reached the local florist, but he paid it no mind.
About a month after the friars started selling flowers, the florist noticed a decrease in sales. People preferred giving their business to these men of god over him, despite owning the only florist shop in town for years. Even his tried and true customers were taking their patronage to the friars! Something needed to be done. He went over to the friars' shop and asked nicely that they choose a different business venture. They kindly refused. So the florist went back the next day. Same answer. After one last failed attempt at convincing the friars to change their minds, the florist knew he needed to resort to other measures.
After searching around, the florist was able to find a man with a reputation. His name was Hugh and he was the biggest, meanest son of a bitch for miles around. The florist met with Hugh and laid out the job: he was to destroy the friars' flower shop and put an end to the competition without hurting the friars themselves. Hugh accepted the job.
The next day Hugh stormed into the friars' meager flower shop. He destroyed bouquets, broke pots and spilled their fertilizer on the floor. He marched up to the head friar and told him he would never sell flowers in this town again. The friars took the hint and packed up their remaining goods, hoping to find a source of fundraising elsewhere.
What is the moral of this story?
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ty5t/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_monastery/
%
Congratulations West Ham

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59tx74/congratulations_west_ham/
%
My first sex was like 100m dash...

... with 8 black men and a gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59tvhf/my_first_sex_was_like_100m_dash/
%
One day Paddy goes into a pharmacy..

He reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" asks the chap.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar by the pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59tuqf/one_day_paddy_goes_into_a_pharmacy/
%
A knock-knock my chinese friend made

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Mark"
"Mark who?"
"Not Mark Hu, Mark Chan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59trox/a_knockknock_my_chinese_friend_made/
%
How do 2 psychics greet each other?

"Hello, how am I?"
"You're fine, how am I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59troo/how_do_2_psychics_greet_each_other/
%
I saw a Doric temple in Corinth today

Pretty Ionic don't you think?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59tro4/i_saw_a_doric_temple_in_corinth_today/
%
There once was a man named Brent

He made poems wherever he went
The poems were fine
But on the very last line
He added too many syllables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59tp2e/there_once_was_a_man_named_brent/
%
I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...

... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59tn71/i_am_24_seconds_older_than_my_twin_brother/
%
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff..

Bahh, dum, hiss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59tjna/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_down_a_cliff/
%
I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

He just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59tj9a/i_thought_my_son_would_like_that_i_bought_him_a/
%
If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for?

Old age

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59tj8f/if_abraham_lincoln_were_alive_today_what_would_he/
%
A horse trots into a bar,

trips, and falls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ti0c/a_horse_trots_into_a_bar/
%
If a Woman says you're "unfuckable"...

...she means "you're unattractive". If a Man says you're "unfuckable" it means "you're a Mermaid"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59tg12/if_a_woman_says_youre_unfuckable/
%
Why didn't the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59tfj5/why_didnt_the_melons_get_married/
%
The Fly at the Lake

There was once a fly buzzing around a lake.
"If I come down three more inches," he said buzzing around sporadically, "I can finally get me a drink of water."
Just beneath the surface was a fish watching the fly buzz around.
"If that fly comes down three more inches," he said with one eye looking up, "I can leap from the water and have me a tasty snack."
Wading in the lake nearby was a bear watching the fish watch the fly.
"If that fly comes down three more inches," said the bear smacking his lips, "that fish is going to leap up to catch the fly and **I** will have a tasty meal."
On the shore line near the lake was a hunter watching the bear watch the fish watch the fly.
"If that fly comes down three more inches," said the hunter as he loaded a bullet into his gun, "that fish is going to jump up to eat the fly, and that bear is going to swipe at the fish and **I** will have a new fancy rug in my cabin."
Behind the hunter was a tiny field mouse watching the hunter watch the bear watch the fish watch the fly.
"If that fly comes down three more inches," the mouse said as he cleaned his dirty paws, "That fish is going to leap from the water, the bear will lunge at the fish and the hunter's gun will knock that tasty sandwich from his pocket and **I** will have a meal to bring back to my starving little mice."
Sitting in the bushes was a bobcat watching the mouse watch the hunter watch the bear watch the fish watch the fly.
"If that fly comes down three more inches," she said as she inched closer and closer, "the fish will spring from the lake, the bear will paw at the airborne fish, the hunter's gun will fire as his sandwich falls from his pocket making the mouse leap onto it and **I** will finally be able to eat."
Without fail everything happens.
The fly swoops down to drink some water, the fish jumped from the lake, the bear swiped at the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the sandwich fell from his pocket, the mouse leaped onto it and the bobcat sprung from the bushes but tripped and fell into the water.
What's the moral of the story you ask?
Well, if a fly comes down three inches there is going to be a wet pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59tdpv/the_fly_at_the_lake/
%
Dark humour is like food

not everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59tcyb/dark_humour_is_like_food/
%
They say you are what you eat..

But I don't remember eating a PATHETIC FAILURE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59t8bt/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
A liar, a cheat, and a bigot walked into a bar...

"Let's make America great again!" he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59t6zd/a_liar_a_cheat_and_a_bigot_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Why did 10 die?

Because it was in the middle of 9 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59t5h2/why_did_10_die/
%
What did the right eye said to the left?

Between me and you, "something smells".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59t2h3/what_did_the_right_eye_said_to_the_left/
%
My girlfriend said she wanted to experiment a bit in the bedroom

we synthesised a new protein chain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59t2a4/my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_to_experiment_a_bit/
%
Did you hear of the 2 thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59t27k/did_you_hear_of_the_2_thieves_who_stole_a_calendar/
%
Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he cums once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59szwz/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
A good joke is like a kid with cancer

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59sz6v/a_good_joke_is_like_a_kid_with_cancer/
%
Amanda is 21 years older than her son John. In 6 years from now, Amanda will be 5 times as old as John. Where is John's father?

Let M be the age in years of Amanda now.
Let C be the age in years of John now.
Then:
M = C + 21
M + 6 = 5(C + 6)
⟹ C + 21 + 6 = 5(C + 6)
⟹ C + 27 = 5C + 30
⟹ -3 = 4C
⟹ C = -3/4
John is -3/4 years old, which is -9 months old.
So, right now, John's father is inside Amanda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59sytu/amanda_is_21_years_older_than_her_son_john_in_6/
%
Three frogs are arrested for indecent exposure.

So three frogs are arrested and taken to court for indecent exposure. The judge orders the first frog to approach. He asks the frog's name to which the first frog responds "My name is Frog." "Well frog, what do you have to say about these charges brought against you?" "I was in the swamp, blowing bubbles. No crime against that!" Says Frog. "Very well. You're free to go, Frog. Next frog please!" The second frog approaches, the judge asks for the frog's name and he also responds "My name is Frog Frog." The judge also mentions similar charges being brought against this frog. Frog Frog also explains he was blowing bubbles in the swamp so the judge lets him go. The third frog approaches the stand and the judge says " Let me guess.. your name is Frog Frog Frog?" The third frog replies "What? No, I'm Bubbles!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59swfy/three_frogs_are_arrested_for_indecent_exposure/
%
Which is Better, a Cat or a Dog House?

A dog house, because a cat house has no woof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59swac/which_is_better_a_cat_or_a_dog_house/
%
On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge....

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"
A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".
"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.
"I'm Vietnamese, we value education I'll be here Monday".
"Ok" says the teacher "Lets try another one: 'Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.'"
This time the hand of little Susie Hou rises.
"Abraham Lincoln"
"Correct Susie." the teacher asserts "Enjoy your day off"
Susie says "Oh no ma'am. I'm Chinese, we also value education I'll be here early on Monday morning".
"Fucking immigrants!" a voice says from the back.
"Who said that?!" the teacher snaps.
"Donald Trump..." says little Johnny "...I'll see ya Tuesday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ssse/on_friday_an_elementary_school_teacher_poses_her/
%
Trump and Hillary fall into an ocean. Who will be saved?

America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59sqnu/trump_and_hillary_fall_into_an_ocean_who_will_be/
%
What does 80 year old pussy taste like?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59sph4/what_does_80_year_old_pussy_taste_like/
%
I think the girl I just met may be a goddess...

because even though she's never talked to me, later tonight billions will be massacred by my hand in her name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59sp1h/i_think_the_girl_i_just_met_may_be_a_goddess/
%
I am Buzz Aldrin; The second man to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59sl8s/i_am_buzz_aldrin_the_second_man_to_walk_on_the/
%
A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.

"But why?" asks his wife.
"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it".
The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."
He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: "Did you see that Pete?”
His brother-in-law says, "Yes, I saw that perfectly.”
The golfer says, "Well, where is it then?"
Pete responds, "I don't remember."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59skjj/a_90yearold_golfer_tells_his_wife_that_he_is/
%
My dad's a superhero

He's the invisible man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59sipq/my_dads_a_superhero/
%
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments.

Which means they're ready for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59sila/i_like_older_men_because_theyve_gotten_used_to/
%
An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59sfvu/an_english_man_welsh_man_and_a_indian_man_walk/
%
Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59sc4y/why_did_the_console_peasant_cross_the_road/
%
My office password's been hacked.

That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59sb99/my_office_passwords_been_hacked/
%
Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he?"

"ICU baby, shaking that ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59s9k3/excuse_me_doctor_my_husband_was_rushed_in_with/
%
"IS A DOLPHIN WHAT?!" -

Hitler's wife answering the phone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59s6r7/is_a_dolphin_what/
%
What do you call a hollow dachshund?

Holloween. (*Please don't report me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59s64i/what_do_you_call_a_hollow_dachshund/
%
Where does the president keep his armies?

In his sleevies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rz5q/where_does_the_president_keep_his_armies/
%
How many birds can play tic-tac-toe?

Toucan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rz43/how_many_birds_can_play_tictactoe/
%
Punctuation is everything: "Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal

"Will, You, Mary, Me" = a Foursome Inquiry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rz41/punctuation_is_everything_will_you_marry_me_is_a/
%
An engineer, a physicist, and mathematician walk onto a farm...

The engineer, physicist, and mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
The physicist is next. He creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rz0v/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_mathematician_walk/
%
After a long night of making love...

...the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ryai/after_a_long_night_of_making_love/
%
What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rrhs/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_car_on_his_head/
%
A man with drugs was caught by the cops in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rqk5/a_man_with_drugs_was_caught_by_the_cops_in_the/
%
Take off my dress

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening.   The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled.   "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."
He did this carefully.
"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."
He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties.   "
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rq34/take_off_my_dress/
%
It’s ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days

I know he’s a priest but he’s not going to do anything out in public

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rp0e/its_ridiculous_that_the_pope_has_to_go_around/
%
Bad Traffic

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer,   what's the hold up ?"
The Officer replies, "Donald Trump is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his limo in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he won't pay the $373 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rosr/bad_traffic/
%
Car Accident

I got into the weirdest car accident the other day. I rear ended a car, and when the driver got out, it was a fucking *dwarf*. He angrily yelled at me, "I am ***NOT*** happy!"
To which I replied, "Well which are you then?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ro72/car_accident/
%
LPT: Never buy anything made of velcro...

It's a total rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rixh/lpt_never_buy_anything_made_of_velcro/
%
Everyone always says that chocolate is like crack, so one day I actually tried it to find out for myself.

I still prefer crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rimw/everyone_always_says_that_chocolate_is_like_crack/
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A couple goes on vacation for their 60th wedding anniversary....

They decide to go to the same island and stay at the same hotel as their honeymoon 60 years earlier.
After checking in and a nice, romantic dinner, they go back to their suite, just like on the honeymoon.
The Wife goes into the bathroom and slips on the same lingerie as their first night together. She stands in the doorway and poses suggestively, and asks her husband, "Do you remember I wore this 60 years ago?"
Husband replies, "I sure do."
Wife asks, "Do you remember what you were thinking then?"
Husband replies, "I sure do."
"What were you thinking?" she asks.
Husband: "I was thinking I was going to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry!"
Wife, excitedly: "oh my. And what are you thinking now?"
"I'm thinking I did a pretty good job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rg32/a_couple_goes_on_vacation_for_their_60th_wedding/
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto
.
.
hahah
.
.
.
fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rfq3/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_rubber_toe/
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A man showed up at the hospital with several toy horses in his ass.

The doctor described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rf1c/a_man_showed_up_at_the_hospital_with_several_toy/
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Pickle slicer (nsfw)

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59re3v/pickle_slicer_nsfw/
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Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class.

It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, "ok class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah."
Sarah said "cows have spots." Terrence said "baseball is a sport." Carla said "computers use electricity." Then, Johnny said "urinate." Mrs. Flebs responded by saying "Johnny, urinate is a word, not a sentence."
Little Johnny then said "not 'urinate', it's 'you're an eight', and if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rds4/mrs_flebs_a_teacher_was_standing_in_front_of_her/
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How are a grenade and a wife similar?

If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rdrv/how_are_a_grenade_and_a_wife_similar/
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My first time

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59rb4y/my_first_time/
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Sherlock Holmes Looks at the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"
"Stars and the moon, dear Holmes," he says.
"What does it mean?" Sherlock asks.
"Well," says Watson. "It quite simply means that there are billions of gaseous balls burning millions of light years away."
"No, what does it MEAN?" Sherlock asks.
"Well," says Watson, "it means we are in the Northern Hemisphere based on the visible constellations."
"But what does that MEAN?" Asks Sherlock.
"Well, astrologers would tell us we are under the sign of Leo, and the planets Jupiter and Saturn are almost in alignment."
"But WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??!!!"
"My dear Holmes, I've given you three different answers. What more could you possible want to know?"
"Watson, you blithering idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59r9zk/sherlock_holmes_looks_at_the_night_sky/
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Wanna find out how I made my dick 12 inches?

I folded it in half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59r95e/wanna_find_out_how_i_made_my_dick_12_inches/
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Did you hear about the mummy that reached the top 10 with his new album?

People say it's cause he has the tightest wraps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59r8fr/did_you_hear_about_the_mummy_that_reached_the_top/
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I'm an archaeologist...

My life is in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59r82q/im_an_archaeologist/
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What's the smartest cookie?

Academia nut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59r6y1/whats_the_smartest_cookie/
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105 Year Old Mae

Her granddaughter asked her how she lived so long, Mae replied "For better digestion, I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. In the case of low blood pressure, I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure, I drink Scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps."
"When do you drink water?" the granddaughter asked
"I've never been that sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59r5zw/105_year_old_mae/
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Shout out to the people who...

Don't know what the opposite of in is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59r5qz/shout_out_to_the_people_who/
%
My grandma caught me masturbating and she had a stroke...

She has such soft hands...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59r47g/my_grandma_caught_me_masturbating_and_she_had_a/
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what do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59r473/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_runny_nose/
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The Grim Reaper appears before a man who's standing outside a department store changing room where his wife is inside trying on clothes...

The Grim Reaper says: "You will die of a heart attack in 30 seconds, but don't worry, because you are going straight to heaven."
The man, scared and skeptical says: "I never go to church,  so how do you know for sure that I'm going to heaven? "
The Grim Reaper replies: "Easy. Satan won't take people who've already been through an eternity in hell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59r37o/the_grim_reaper_appears_before_a_man_whos/
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Roses are red, Violets are red...

Actually, I think my garden's on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59r2sz/roses_are_red_violets_are_red/
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I was invited to a party...

The dress code said "black tie only".
But when I got there, I noticed other people had worn shirts and trousers too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59r18o/i_was_invited_to_a_party/
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A Clown held the door open for me today

It was a nice jester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qzkw/a_clown_held_the_door_open_for_me_today/
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A police officer was monitoring the highway...

....When he saw a pickup truck going 20 miles below the speed limit.
&nbsp;
The officer pulls behind the truck and pulls the truck over.
&nbsp;
As he walked up to the driver, he noticed that the trunk bed was filled with penguins! Doing as penguins would waddling around and such.
&nbsp;
The officer goes to the truck driver and says "You cant be driving with all these penguins! They gotta go the zoo!"
&nbsp;
The truck driver apologies and promises to head straight to the zoo.
&nbsp;
Next day, the officer sees the same truck going 20 below the speed-limit again!
&nbsp;
The officer pulls the truck over. As the officer walks up he notices that the trunk is still filled with penguins, but this time they are all wearing sunglasses.
&nbsp;
The officer is furious. He tells the driver "You think you can pull one over on me! I told you to take the penguins to the zoo!"
&nbsp;
The driver looks up and says "I took them yesterday! Today i'm taking them to the beach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qy0n/a_police_officer_was_monitoring_the_highway/
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A man tries to get into a club

And the bouncer stops him,
"You can't come in sir, you need to have a tie."
"I don't even own a tie!" The man exclaimed.
"Well you'll have to get one if you want to get in." The bouncer replied.
The man shrugged and went back to his car. After thinking a while, he took the jumper cables from his trunk, and tied them around his collar. Being satisfied with his new tie, he returned to show the bouncer.
"Here you go! A tie!" The man said triumphantly. The bouncer carefully studied the man, and finally said, "alright alright, you can go in, but you better not start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qw21/a_man_tries_to_get_into_a_club/
%
Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

There's no rest for the wicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qv63/why_couldnt_the_candle_get_any_sleep/
%
Went to the moon for dinner last night

Good food
No atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qnj4/went_to_the_moon_for_dinner_last_night/
%
You the bomb.

No, you the bomb.
A compliment in America.
An argument in the Middle East.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qmmn/you_the_bomb/
%
A man walks into a bar and says loudly, "Bartender, six shots!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "Wow six shots, whats the occasion?" The man replies , "First blowjob!"
The bartender then pours him a seventh shot and says, "Congrats man, this ones on me."
The man then says , "Man if six shots cant get the taste out of my mouth I don't know what will!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qm71/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_loudly_bartender/
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How do you know when you should stop eating?

When you start wearing the same bra size as your wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qln6/how_do_you_know_when_you_should_stop_eating/
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qk7r/a_psychiatrist_was_conducting_a_group_therapy/
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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance...

...Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qjvu/jim_decided_to_propose_to_sandy_but_prior_to_her/
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In 1973, the Six Million Dollar Man consisted of a bionic man with super powers...

In 2016, the Six Million Dollar Man consists of two hip replacements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qi7z/in_1973_the_six_million_dollar_man_consisted_of_a/
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When I was 8 years old..

My dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie.
I miss Snowballs, she was such a good cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qi4m/when_i_was_8_years_old/
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A woman on death row is sitting in her cell when the guard approaches her...

The guard says, "Ok it's almost time. What do you want for your last meal?"
The woman replies, "I dunno...what do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qeiu/a_woman_on_death_row_is_sitting_in_her_cell_when/
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Why did the chicken jump into the bag of popcorn?

The kernel was looking for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qcw6/why_did_the_chicken_jump_into_the_bag_of_popcorn/
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Confession

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qbcb/confession/
%
Help! Please explain this silly kids joke to me...

This joke has been bugging me on and off for around 30-years.  I read it in some kind of '1000 jokes for kids' type book - probably written around 1985'ish.  The joke is pretty stupid - and i'm reasonably sure it would still be pretty stupid if I actually understood it - however for some unexplained reason i just never forgot about it, and it has remained stuck in my head.
If somebody could please just explain the joke to me, then i believe i could finally forget about it and never be bothered by this again!
Anyway - here is the joke:
----------------------
A guy walks into a barber shop and and asks the barber for a haircut exactly like 'Cliff Richard'.  The barber agrees and begins to cut his hair.  The haircut gets shorter and shorter.  the guy starts to get very worried, and, rather concerned, asks if the barber know what he is doing.  The barber assures the guy that this is all going well, and not to worry.  Next the barber takes out some clippers and cuts a bald stripe right through the center-line of the guys head.  The guy screams at the barber asking what the hell he is doing and says that this is nothing like a 'Cliff Richard' style.  The barber replies that "of course it is - I've seen him in 'The King and I' - fourteen times!".
----------------------------------------
Does that make sense to anyone?  What i do know:
* 'The King and I' is a Rogers & Hammerstein musical
* the  king is typically presented as bald
* The king was most famously played by Yul Brunner - who, again, is bald.
* Cliff Richard is a UK singer with an unusually long career
* Cliff Richard performed his own version of one of the songs from 'The King and I' - called 'We Kiss in a Shadow' - however in this song he doesn't play the bald king - rather he plays the part of 'Lun Tha' - and I've never seen any reference that this character is depicted as bald.
That it - that's all i know.
does this make sense to anyone?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qb7e/help_please_explain_this_silly_kids_joke_to_me/
%
I don't always roll a joint...

But when I do, it's my ankle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qaw7/i_dont_always_roll_a_joint/
%
Invisible man and Wonder Woman

One day superman is flying around and peers into wonder woman's window and notices her naked, legs spread and a very satisfied look on her face. "Im superman" he thought. "Im as fast as a speeding bullet. I bet I can just swoop right in there do my thing and be out before she knows it". So he flies in as fast and he can and flies out. Wonder Woman yells out loud "what the hell was that?" "I don't know!" cried the invisible man, "but my ass is killing me!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qap2/invisible_man_and_wonder_woman/
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The Toaster leads the Kitchen Appliances on Strike. [LONG]

I looked around the kitchen in exasperation.
"We have will be heard! We have a voice! We have rights!"
"Umm, no you don't." I said to the speaker, "you're literally a wok."
"Well that may be, but we will not be abused any longer!"
A chorus of "Yeah," "You tell 'im!" and " Rights for appliances!" rang out around the kitchen. I sighed irritably. I had come downstairs as usual this morning hoping for some toast and a nice coffee when I had been firmly told by the toaster that he wasn't going to work for me anymore.
For some reason, I was taking the discovery of sentient kitchen utilities with quite an unnatural calmness. But this could not continue. My expensive espresso machine kept spitting the coffee everywhere and I *needed* my morning Americano.
"OK..." I said, rubbing the bridge of my nose with my forefinger and thumb. "OK, what... umm 'rights' do you think you deserve?"
The toaster, apparently the leader of this uprising, stepped forward somewhat self-righteously. "We demand that you give us holidays! We demand that you pay us! And we demand that we have the right to love who or what we want!"
A rousing cheer went up from the assembled appliances. "Love who you want?" I snorted. "You can't love! You're machines! What do you know of love? What, do you fancy a bit of cord on cord action with the kettle, is that it?"
A shocked gasp. "Bigot..." muttered the fridge.
"Look, this is ridiculous!" I cried. " You shouldn't even be able to talk, let alone love, and take holidays and get paid. You were built by some bloke in a factory somewhere and for one purpose: For me to use in the kitchen!"
"Um, actually, I'm an atheist," said the kettle, "you can't prove there's a creator..."
"Religious persecution!" cried a saucepan.
Now I am a pacifist: I have been all my life, and as such, I am not proud of what I did next. I was so annoyed that I grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which happened to be the loaf of bread, still in its bag. Swinging it, I smashed it into the toaster, knocking it onto the floor and shattering it apart.
In the shocked silence that followed, a small philosophical thought popped into my head: It just goes to show, violence isn't born, it's bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qai5/the_toaster_leads_the_kitchen_appliances_on/
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Cats are just as smart/loving as dogs.

Unbeknownst to me my Mom had a stroke and collapsed one morning. Her cat came running up the steps and meowing non-stop. She ran up and down the steps until finally I followed her down to the kitchen. And there, sure enough - her food bowl was empty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59qaag/cats_are_just_as_smartloving_as_dogs/
%
I was driving around in my tricycle all day

I worked it so hard, it lost a wheel. The tricycle is two tired now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59q8le/i_was_driving_around_in_my_tricycle_all_day/
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Sex Survey Says

The Kinseys did a survey of sexual practices in a town.
Half the town admitted they masturbated.
The other half lied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59q84d/sex_survey_says/
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What do you call it when someone has sex in exchange for spaghetti?

Pastatution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59q7yp/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_has_sex_in/
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Voodoo Dick

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure.     Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.
One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem.  Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a shop in the worst part of town, that offered something called a "voodoo dick".
Intrigued, she wasted no time in finding the store, and she asked the proprietor for this very special item.
"I have what you seek" he stated, as he went to the back of the room, and returned with an ornate wooden box.  "It will cost you a thousand dollars."
"A grand?  This better be worth it!" She exclaimed as she rummaged for her wallet.
"Watch this!" the man responded, while opening the box. "Voodoo dick, my hand!" with that small dildo started to vibrate and flew straight to his hand.  "I'm sure you can imagine the possibilities...", returning the dildo to the box.
She eagerly threw down the money and took the box off the counter, and walked out the door.   She hopped into her car and started to drive home, excited about her new purchase.
Being the impatient sort, she decided to give it a shot, as she was driving, so she said "voodoo dick, my hand!"  and it flew to her hand.  Then she said "voodoo dick, my pussy!" and it immediately buried itself into her pussy which caused waves of pleasure to go through her body.
While she enjoyed the sensation, she was scared as it was impacting  her driving.  "Voodoo dick, stop!" but it kept on going. Over and over again she tried to command it to stop, but it was to no avail.
In a panic, she reached into her pussy and yanked it out, throwing it out the window.  The dildo flew out the window, but then started to fly through the air chasing her car.  Seeing this, she speeded up to try and lose it.  This, of course, caught the attention of a motorcycle  cop, who turned on his lights and chased after her.
She pulled over, and when the cop approached her window, she exclaimed "officer, please, I'm being chased by an out of control voodoo dock!"
Now the cop had heard some whoppers in his day, but this one took the cake.  He firmly planted his hands on his hips and yelled "voodoo dick, My ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59q5ur/voodoo_dick/
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Did you hear what happened when Oedipus got flu?

He became one sick mother fucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59q5te/did_you_hear_what_happened_when_oedipus_got_flu/
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Most interesting man in the world doesn't always wear cologne but when he does...

It's Elon Musk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59q5r3/most_interesting_man_in_the_world_doesnt_always/
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Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients?

The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59q45s/why_did_the_cannibal_only_eat_coma_patients/
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What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler?

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59q24r/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
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Selling Condoms

An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the condom display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.
The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"
The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59q0vn/selling_condoms/
%
I will never forget my grandpas last words.

"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59pz2m/i_will_never_forget_my_grandpas_last_words/
%
I buy all my guns from a guy named "T-Rex"

He's a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59px5p/i_buy_all_my_guns_from_a_guy_named_trex/
%
A Brit flies into Australia..

The immigration officer asks him, “Do you have any felony convictions?”
The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59pt3i/a_brit_flies_into_australia/
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What do you call a group of spoiled children?

The government

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59psyy/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_spoiled_children/
%
There are 10 types of men...

Half of them understand binary, half of them don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59prli/there_are_10_types_of_men/
%
What do you call a bad riddle?

Voldemort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ppfr/what_do_you_call_a_bad_riddle/
%
I like my women like I like my computer

Turned on
On my lap
And virus free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59pp74/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_computer/
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A young blonde woman

is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59pmgx/a_young_blonde_woman/
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Wiping your ass is a lot like approaching a traffic light...

Red means stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59pmeg/wiping_your_ass_is_a_lot_like_approaching_a/
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Not the egg!

Last night, I went to a Halloween party. I showed up dressed as a chicken and met a girl who was dressed as an egg.
One thing led to another and a question of the ages was discovered. IT WAS THE CHICKEN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59pf7t/not_the_egg/
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59pf0b/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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Why isn't there a Wal-Mart in Iraq?

....because there is a target in every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59pbef/why_isnt_there_a_walmart_in_iraq/
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Hello darkness my old friend...

I've walked into a wall again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59pa6a/hello_darkness_my_old_friend/
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Really sucks for those addicted to Apple products...

...now there is no *escape*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59p9eo/really_sucks_for_those_addicted_to_apple_products/
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A man walking home from the market

..and he comes across a giant bean stalk reaching into the clouds that was never there before. Trying his luck, he decides to climb.
As he gets to the 1st set of clouds, he sees the most beautiful women he's ever seen before. She tells him, "You can have me now or climb further up to success." Intrigued, the man thinks and decides to try his luck and climb higher.
Upon reaching the 2nd set of clouds, his jaw drops to an even more beautiful woman than cloud 1. She says to the man, "You can have me now or climb further up to success." The man thinks for a moment and decides to try his luck and continues to climb.
As the man reaches the 3rd set of clouds, he sees a big, fat, hairy biker. Biker walks up to the man and says, "Hi, I'm Sess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59p97b/a_man_walking_home_from_the_market/
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How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, it should be open when she brings it to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59p80h/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_open_a_beer/
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I kept hitting my fingers while trying to nail a sign to my wall...

So I said, "Screw it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59p6ep/i_kept_hitting_my_fingers_while_trying_to_nail_a/
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Two peanuts were walking down the street..

One was a salted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59oz7a/two_peanuts_were_walking_down_the_street/
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The Insatiable Chinese man

A Chinese man called a prostitute service and asked for their most talented and energetic girl.
The girl finally got to his home and they started having sex.
Once he was done, he jumped off the bed, ran to the window, took a deep breath, went under the bed, came out the other side and started having sex with the girl again.
After he had finished the 2nd time, he again jumped off the bed, ran to the window, went under the bed, came out the other side and started again..
He did this 8 more times!
The girl was impressed by his stamina. After they finished the 10th time, she decided to try it herself.
So, she jumped off the bed, ran to the window, took a deep breath, went under the bed and saw 9 other Chinese men...!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59oyzb/the_insatiable_chinese_man/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

...a four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59oykl/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
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See that Indian?

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are,   who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59oygp/see_that_indian/
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Rectum Stretcher

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch,   cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?" Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"
"67 miles per hour,   son!   67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!"   said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman. "I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked,   "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59oy3x/rectum_stretcher/
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Religious Boyfriend

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it"   for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ovx3/religious_boyfriend/
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I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid...

I can stop whenever I want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ot9m/i_swear_im_not_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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Two Brothers and a poetry contest

There were two brothers who were always very competitive. One day they were at a fair together. They approached a stage where they were holding a poetry contest. Poetry was neither of the brothers "thing" but when one brother told the other he could win the whole competition, the battle was on.
Both brothers told amazing poems that they made on the spot. After 3 rounds they both had blown away all the competition. The judges couldn't decide between the 2 so they made them do a bonus round. The only rules for the bonus round were:
1. Your poem could only be 4 lines.
2. You must incorporate the word "Timbuktu"
The first brother was up, and is poem read:
"I was lying on the sandy shore
Listening to that pleasant roar
Then a ship came into view
It's destination? Timbuktu"
The crowd went wild. The judges seemed to love it. It was going to be a tough act to follow. The second brother stood confident as he recited him poem:
"Tim and I a'camping went
Met three young maidens in a pop-up tent
Since they were three and we were two
I bucked one and Timbuktu!"
My dad always told this joke at parties. I always raised my chin at it, but now that I'm older I have to admit it's pretty clever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ot0n/two_brothers_and_a_poetry_contest/
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I would tell you a joke about UDP

But you might not get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59opub/i_would_tell_you_a_joke_about_udp/
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A blind guy walks into a bar...

Then a table, a chair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ooqx/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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If there's one thing I'm better at than everyone else...

It's humility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ompu/if_theres_one_thing_im_better_at_than_everyone/
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My X-ray technician told me she usually doesn't go on dates with her patients...

...but she saw something in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59okmz/my_xray_technician_told_me_she_usually_doesnt_go/
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Why do chemists go to the gym so much?

Before they titrate, they need to get buffer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ojur/why_do_chemists_go_to_the_gym_so_much/
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Upgrading From BoyFriend To Husband

INSTALLING HUSBAND!!!
A woman writes to the IT Technical support.....
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
_______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______
REPLY
DEAR Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5v or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ohg0/upgrading_from_boyfriend_to_husband/
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You know what Nixon did wrong?

He only broke into the watergate hotel once. He should have done it everyday. Then it would have been normal. Yes, you got it, jokes on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ogeg/you_know_what_nixon_did_wrong/
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Where do shemales live?

In Transylvania

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59oe9u/where_do_shemales_live/
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"Honey, wouldn't you like to go back to the 60s?"

"Of course not! I like today's technology too much."
"But honey I'm talking about kilos you fat cow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59odr3/honey_wouldnt_you_like_to_go_back_to_the_60s/
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Clem was small game hunting in the woods right around the border area of North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia.

He had just shot a possum and was putting it in his game bag when the game warden approached. The game warden says, "Whatcha got there son?"
Clem says, "Just doin' a little hunting. I got me a couple squirrels, a rabbit and this here possum." The game warden grabs the possum, sticks his finger up it's ass, sniffs it the says, "This here possum is from is from Georgia, you got a Georgia hunting license boy?"
Clem pulls out his Georgia license and hands it over. The game warden then grabbed a squirrel out of his bag, sticks a finger up it's ass, sniffs it and say, "This here squirrel is from South Carolina, you got a South Carolina hunting license boy?"
Clem pulls out his South Carolina license and hands it over. The game warden then grabbed the rabbit, stuck his finger up its ass, sniffed it and says, This here rabbit is from North Carolina, you got a North Carolina hunting license boy?"
Clem pulls out his North Carolina hunting license and hands it over. The game warden is finally satisfied that his paperwork is in order. He gives it all back to Clem and says, "Where are you from boy?"
Clem pulls his pants down,  turns around and says, "Why don't you tell me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59o8y6/clem_was_small_game_hunting_in_the_woods_right/
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Deep in the forest are two trees growing together.

A beech, and a birch.
One day, a small tree begins to grow between them. The birch says to the beech, "Do you think that's a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The beech says "I don't know if that's a son of a birch or a son of a beech."
Just then a woodpecker landed on the small sapling. The birch asked the woodpecker, "Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Is that tree you're on a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The woodpecker pecked the sapling a few times then looked up at the birch and the beech. "This sapling is neither a son of a birch or a son of a beech. It is, however, the best piece of ash I've stuck my pecker into before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59o58k/deep_in_the_forest_are_two_trees_growing_together/
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How do you get a Jewish girl's number?

Just check her arm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59nyas/how_do_you_get_a_jewish_girls_number/
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"Sir you're gonna have to stop masturbating" said the Doctor.

"Why"
"Its hard to examine you if you keep moving".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59nv6q/sir_youre_gonna_have_to_stop_masturbating_said/
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A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ntgn/a_woman_decided_to_have_a_face_lift_for_her/
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A young man asks the Chief how he picks the newborns names.

A young man approached the chief of his village with a question. He said "Wise cheif, you are in charge of naming every child in this village. How do you go about choosing the names for your people?" The Cheif heard the question and without saying a word walked over to a small window in the tent and motioned for the young man to look out it. "Well," spoke the Cheif "on the day a child is born I look out this window, and if I see gentle snow falling the child will be named Gentle Snow, and if I see fresh fields of green the child will be named Green Fields, and if I so happen to see flowers blooming then the child will be named Blooming Flowers.....why do you ask Two Dogs Humping?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59nt1i/a_young_man_asks_the_chief_how_he_picks_the/
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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59nskp/a_young_man_and_his_date_were_parked_on_a_back/
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Why is my hand 11 inches long?

Because if it were any longer it would be a foot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59nq1v/why_is_my_hand_11_inches_long/
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What do you call a group of babies?

an Infantry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59npbv/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_babies/
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The U.S Election is Kind of Like an Attractive Bisexual

Because whether they go with a man or a woman, you know they're fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59nnaa/the_us_election_is_kind_of_like_an_attractive/
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Maraijuana Inspector

A DEA inspector is visiting a farm in Colorado. He introduces himself to the farmer and says "I am here to inspect your farm for maraijuana cultivation". The farmer say "sure you can look around, just DON'T  GO to the farm behind the BARN."
The inspector is FURIOUS, whips out his badge and shoves it in the farmers face, " YOU SEE THIS? THIS is the seal of the US GOVERNMENT, I can DO whatever I want, INSPECT whichever farm I want."
The farmer is "OK, sorry to bother you sir, please go ahead."
After some time the farmer hears a cry from behind the barn, "HELP, HELP, HELP!!!" the farmer rushes towards the barn and sees the inspector running full tilt thru the farm behind the barn.
He is crying out " HELP SOMEONE PLEASE HELP MEEEE !!!" Behind him is a HUGE BULL chasing down on him furiously.
The farmer climbs on to the fence.
Cups his hands around his mouth.
And yells back, "SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59nkh4/maraijuana_inspector/
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The doctor said to the patient

We had to remove a part of your anus
Patient- will I be any different?
Doctor-Just less of an asshole
Edit 1- Changed rectum to anus, credit u/RigorMortis76

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59nizj/the_doctor_said_to_the_patient/
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My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker...

...so I told her to roll them tighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ng3k/my_grandma_told_me_her_joints_are_getting_weaker/
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Little Johnny and God

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "Fuck this," "Fuck that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says, "You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the fuck out and push!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ndl2/little_johnny_and_god/
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Email from God

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."   So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
I didn't get one either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59nc77/email_from_god/
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No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character...

The husband that's out of town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59nbmk/no_matter_what_sexual_role_play_idea_my_wife/
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A blonde

is hanging out on the terrace of a 30 storied building, when suddenly a co worker runs in and says "Jane! I just heard! Your husband and daughter were in a car accident and they passed away! I am so sorry for your loss!"
The blonde, distraught, jumps off the terrace.
As she is falling and crosses the 20th floor, she realizes she doesn't have a daughter.
As she crosses the 10th floor, she realizes she's not married.
As she is about to hit the pavement she realizes her name is not Jane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59nbmd/a_blonde/
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My room mates are concerned that I'm using their kitchen utensils...

...but that's a whisk i'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59n8oi/my_room_mates_are_concerned_that_im_using_their/
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I love eBay!

Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59n8cl/i_love_ebay/
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My friend the electrician

I had this friend in school. Great guy, always cracking jokes. Life of the party. But after we finished school, we went our separate ways. I went off to university, he became an electrician. About a year later, we were both in our home town, so we decided to catch up. It was just like old times, he hadn't changed a bit. We had some laughs, swapped stories, and then we went our separate ways again. We didn't see each other again for about 3 or 4 years after that, when we decided to catch up again. This time though, he seemed...different. He wasn't cracking jokes, he was a lot quieter. He explained to me that being an electrician had affected the way he looks at the world. I was surprised, because I hadn't noticed a trace of that in our last meeting. It made me wonder: at what point did this happen? How long do you have to be an electrician before it makes you a completely different person? I guess what I'm asking is, 'How many light bulbs does it take to change a man?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59n86v/my_friend_the_electrician/
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A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan.
The bartender looks at the man and says,
"You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59n2vn/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two insane patients escaping from medical facility...

They found the way during the night to reach the roof and jump the gap to building next door. The first guy jumped over, but second guy was afraid of heights and froze. The first guy tried to reassure him "look, I'll glow this flashlight and you can easily walk over the beam"
The other guy replied "you think I'm crazy? You'll just turn it off half way"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59n2rv/two_insane_patients_escaping_from_medical_facility/
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Where do fishes keep their money?

In river banks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59n2bz/where_do_fishes_keep_their_money/
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Bill Clinton: "I sure hope Hillary gets better interns than I did..."

"All of mine sucked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59n13i/bill_clinton_i_sure_hope_hillary_gets_better/
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I found a shop that sells clothing made of brick.

It's a hardware store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59mzr0/i_found_a_shop_that_sells_clothing_made_of_brick/
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59mxf0/my_girlfriend_dressed_up_as_a_policewoman_and/
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What did the rubber ball say when he left the yo-yo's late night house party?

You better get some sleep - I'm gonna bounce!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59mvgq/what_did_the_rubber_ball_say_when_he_left_the/
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A man gets onto a bus.

He is carrying two large barrels under his arms. The bus driver says: "you can't take those barrels onto the bus. What's in there anyway?"
The passenger replies: "Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump."
The driver asks: "no, really, what's in there?"
The passenger repeats: "Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump."
"Why don't you open them and let me see?"
The passenger does as instructed, and the driver exclaims: "eww, but they are full of shit!"
The passenger calmly says: "your words, not mine".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59mvam/a_man_gets_onto_a_bus/
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A man walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I tell you what, see those rib-eyes hanging from the ceiling?" The man shrugs and says "Yeah, what about'em?" The bartender then says, "If you can jump and touch one, I'll give you free drinks all night. But if you miss, you have to buy a round for everyone in here." The man thinks for a few seconds, then replies, "I don't like the odds...the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59muyj/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Last year I felt depressed and miserable, but this year I've managed to turn it around.

Now I feel miserable and depressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59mtck/last_year_i_felt_depressed_and_miserable_but_this/
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59mqnk/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_was/
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A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his
standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59mpl2/a_lady_decided_to_give_herself_a_big_treat_for/
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My dad suffers from bowel incontinence, and so do I ...

It runs in my jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59mm9t/my_dad_suffers_from_bowel_incontinence_and_so_do_i/
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What is the world coming to?

Youporn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59mku5/what_is_the_world_coming_to/
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What do you call an 8 day long blowjob?

Hanukkah Lewinski

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59mide/what_do_you_call_an_8_day_long_blowjob/
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Bad cooking and sex

Husband: Your cooking is pretty pathetic despite watching cooking shows on TV.
Wife: You watch Porn but do I complain?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59mduj/bad_cooking_and_sex/
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Sadie Goes to The Doctor

Sadie went to see her doctor and when he asked her about her problem, she replied that she was suffering from a discharge.
The doctor said, "OK, Undress please and go lie down on the examination table."
She did what he asked.
The doctor put on his rubber gloves and began investigating her "private parts".
After a couple of minutes, he asked Sadie, "How does that feel?"
"Wonderful," replied Sadie, "but the discharge is from my ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59mccx/sadie_goes_to_the_doctor/
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How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?

"Konnichihuahua"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59mbp2/how_do_japanese_chihuahuas_say_hello/
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I'm not saying I hate you...

but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59mb55/im_not_saying_i_hate_you/
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Really drunk guy comes home to his wife and 14 year old son late at night completely wasted...

he starts throwing up all over the place so his wife and son help him get to the bedroom, took off his clothes and put him to sleep.
he wakes up in the morning, remembers last night and thinks to himself "oh my wife is gonna be pissed." he find a note on his wife's pillow in bed saying "Good morning honey I hope you slept well! I went to get your favourite breakfast and coffee"
The guy is thoroughly confused. He calls his son and asks him "what happened last night?"
His son says "well you came home really drunk and started puking all over the place. So me and mom picked you up, took you to the bedroom and started undressing you. As mom was taking off your pants you pushed her away and said 'STOP! I'm married'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59macj/really_drunk_guy_comes_home_to_his_wife_and_14/
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Why is it that when kids touch themselves, it's "perfectly natural"...

but when I do it, I'm a "pedophile"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59m5vr/why_is_it_that_when_kids_touch_themselves_its/
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Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend?

Because Sheeran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59m3oz/why_doesnt_ed_have_a_girlfriend/
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When I graduated from university,

I struggled to find work. To make ends meet, I performed odd jobs - voiceover work, sold insurance, and even drove a cab in a city near the East Coast a few years back. One of the scariest things that happened was as I was driving around, I saw a teenagers' basketball game get pretty intense. One of the kids was arguing a call made by a few thugs - it was a bad idea from the start, the kid was outnumbered and what's worse is when the fight started escalating, one of the kids pulled out a knife!
I got on my phone to dial the police but as I was about to hit the "call" button on my phone some older lady comes rushing onto the court. It turns out it was one of the kid's mothers - the one who was outnumbered, she grabbed him and started screaming at him but I couldn't understand what she was saying. I breathed a sigh of relief - at least the kid was safe. Months later, I decided to move out to LA for a while because I figured the city I was in was a bit too dangerous for my tastes. My first day on the job I drive near LAX and some tall African-american kid flags me down. The kid gets in the cab. To my surprise, it was the exact same kid from the east coast who was being yelled at by his mom!! Astounded, I turned to the kid to ask him why he was in LA, but before I could say anything he sticks his arm out the window and yells, "Yo homes, to Bel Air!! Anyway, he rapped the entire way to his destination and I never got a chance to talk to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59m1c5/when_i_graduated_from_university/
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In an interview: "How good are you with Microsoft PowerPoint?"

"I Excel at it."
"Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun, sir?"
"Word."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lyfo/in_an_interview_how_good_are_you_with_microsoft/
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What does a Dalek do in the shower?

EXFOLIATE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lwel/what_does_a_dalek_do_in_the_shower/
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What's black and eats pussy?

Cervical cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lvdn/whats_black_and_eats_pussy/
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I like my sex like I like my tree forts

No girls allowed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lrpn/i_like_my_sex_like_i_like_my_tree_forts/
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A kid grew up his whole life thinking he was adopted.

Many times he would enter a room unexpectedly and his parents would be there and would quickly hide official looking papers and act suspiciously about the subject. He always considered asking but was always too nervous about it. He thought he'd be disappointed to hear the truth. One day he works up the courage to ask so he goes into his parents room where he finds his dad working on his computer. He asks him "Dad, am I adopted?" His dad looks shocked and replies with "Well son, truthfully, we've been working on getting that done your whole life but we haven't found anyone to take you yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lqpw/a_kid_grew_up_his_whole_life_thinking_he_was/
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So a little black boy...

Is playing in the kitchen while his mom is cooking. He gets an idea and goes over to the cupboard and grabs a bag of flour. He proceeds to thoroughly coat himself in a layer of flour. Smiling, he walks up to his mom and says"look mom, I'm a little white boy!". She slaps him across the face and says "boy, get your ass to your room". As he's walking to his room he passes his father in the living room. Once again he
says "look dad, I'm a little white boy!". His father smacks him hard in the back of the head and says " boy, get your ass to your room before i beat you". Frowning, he slowly walks up the stairs, passes his grandmother's room and sees his old granny quilting in her room. He thinks she has a good sense of humor so he once again says " look granny, I'm a little white boy!" His grandmother grabs a belt off the bed and welts his ass up pretty good then says "boy, get your ass to your room before I really give you something". In tears now, he makes it to his room and yells down the hallway" I ain't been white but 5 minutes and I already hate you niggers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lpwo/so_a_little_black_boy/
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What do you call a country of grizzlies that is always stoned?

A hibearnation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lkv5/what_do_you_call_a_country_of_grizzlies_that_is/
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What do you call a corrupt lawyer?

Senator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lkll/what_do_you_call_a_corrupt_lawyer/
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9 out of 10 Chinese Doctor Have Cataracts...

the 10th drives a Rincoln

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lj5r/9_out_of_10_chinese_doctor_have_cataracts/
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Jesus is watching!!!

One day a burglar breaks into a house. It's pitch dark so he turns on his flashlight. Suddenly he hears a voice "Jesus is watching". He freezes, swings his flashlight around but can't find the source of the voice. After 2 minutes nothing happens so he goes about trashing the room looking for things to steal. Suddenly the voice, louder and more stern says, "JESUS IS WATCHING"... he freaks out but again can't locate the source of the voice and carries on. This happens a couple of times with "JESSUSS ISSS WATTCHHIIIING!!!!!" more before he finally locates the source of the voice.
It's a freaking Parrot.
So he asks the parrot "did u make a sound?" The parrot replies " JESUS IS WATCHING". At this point the burglar is kind of feeling confident and smug and says "what is your name?". The parrot replies "MOSES".
The burglar let's out a HUGE howl and starts laughing "WHO the FUCK names their parrot Moses?"
The parrot deadpans " the same kind of fucks who name their ROTTWEILER JESUS".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59liih/jesus_is_watching/
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A Native American Family Rejoices As A Son Is Born

After smiling at his newborn, the father of the family stepped outside of the tent for a moment, then returns and announces, "He shall be named, 'Young Wolf Howling'!"
After a little while his daughter asks him,
"Father, how did you get my name?"
"Well my daughter," he replied, "it is this tribe's tradition that when a child is born, the father steps outside of the tent and names the child the first thing he sees. Why do you ask, Old Man Farting?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lhuy/a_native_american_family_rejoices_as_a_son_is_born/
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Today I discovered my brother and I are both audiophiles...

He came as soon as he heard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lhsz/today_i_discovered_my_brother_and_i_are_both/
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How do you castrate a priest?

Kick the alter boy in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lhjd/how_do_you_castrate_a_priest/
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What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lh1z/what_is_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
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Two smut writers get together...

That night there was a lot of fanfriction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lfgc/two_smut_writers_get_together/
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An elderly couple are walking down the street...

An elderly couple are walking down the street when suddenly two pigeons fly overhead and drop two massive dumps on both of them.
"I wish we had some toilet paper right about now," says the woman.
"What the hell for?" The old man replies, "they must be half a mile away by now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59lcl0/an_elderly_couple_are_walking_down_the_street/
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What do you call 10 politicians at the bottom of the sea?

A good start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59la7a/what_do_you_call_10_politicians_at_the_bottom_of/
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They say you are what you eat

So I bought myself some "ready to eat Apricots"
And after I bought them I was indeed, ready to eat Apricots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59l9b5/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
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How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59l8lp/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_luke_got_him_for/
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I want to adopt two kids...

... with cancer, both named Jordan.
I've always wanted a sick pair of Jordans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59l79k/i_want_to_adopt_two_kids/
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An elderly priest was found in the Vatican library weeping inconsolably...

He had ancient manuscripts spread out in front of him. Some curators walked up to him and said "What is the matter, Father?"
Between sobs, he replied: "Some bastard dropped the 'R'. It was supposed to say CELEBRATE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59l77g/an_elderly_priest_was_found_in_the_vatican/
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A man walks into a bar, and his head is a giant orange.

He sits down, orders a drink. The bartender eyes him warily, but gets him what he wants. The man sits sipping the drink, idly watching the baseball game on the bar television. After a while, he runs dry and orders another.
"Tell you what," says the bartender, "this next one's on the house, but you've got to tell me what happened to your head. I don't mean to be rude there, but..."
The man smiles. "No, not at all. I get this all the time.
Well, it started with the Gulf War. I was a young kid fresh out of high school, but I was poor. I needed money for college, and the Army looked like a good way out of the ghetto. But then they shipped me over to Kuwait. My platoon took some heavy fire during Desert Storm, and I was separated from them.
I wandered the desert for days, with only the contents of my pack to sustain me. I ran out of water, I ran out of food. I was desperate, on the verge of death -- when suddenly, I saw a glint of metal in the distance...
I forced myself onward, hoping the shining brightness was a glint of gunmetal from my platoon, or a city on the horizon, or anything. When I finally reached it, it was a piece of metal half-buried in the sand. I dug around it and excavated what appeared to be an old Persian oil lamp.
There was an inscription on the lamp, too covered in dust to read.
I rubbed at the embossed lettering -- and then, a swirl of smoke and light surrounded me. Suddenly, before me, stood a ten-foot tall being, dressed in traditional Arabian garb, arms crossed.
'I am the genie of the lamp,' said the entity. 'For releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. What is your first wish, my master?'
I was incredulous, of course. I deduced I must be hallucinating, that this was desert madness. I decided to test the mirage. 'Alright,' I tasked it, 'I wish for a wallet with a million dollars in it, that I can never lose, and whenever I take any money out of it the sum is immediately replenished.'
'Your wish is granted!' boomed the genie. I felt a bulge in one of my uniform pockets. Reaching in, I pulled out a new wallet, stuffed to bursting with crisp, new American bills. I counted them -- sure enough, it was a million dollars. I ripped up the bills, cast them to the four winds, and threw the wallet as hard as I could. The moment it was beyond my sight, it teleported instantaneously back to my pocket, refilled with another million dollars.
'What is you second wish, my master?'
I pondered the notion for a long moment, assessing my needs.
'Genie,' I said, 'for my second wish, I want to be transported to a cool, abandoned palace, into a harem room with a hundred beautiful young virgins who will all fall madly in love with me at first sight, before a buffet table set with a feast fit for a king.'
'Your wish is granted!' Poof! I found myself in a royal harem, escaped from the heat of the desert. All around me, nubile girls eyed me with keen interest. In front of me, every conceivable type of meat was roasted to perfect tenderness, set with all the appetizers, side-dishes, salads, soups, and desserts of the four corners of the globe.
I dined until I was near-bloated, and then I had a lot of sex. I mean a lot. Several hours later, laying upon a bed of feathers, brown and blonde and red haired beauties nuzzling into me. the genie stood before me, looking down in satisfaction at his work so far.
'What is your third wish, my master?'
I thought long and hard. Truly, this last wish tasked the very limits of my imagination, my beliefs, my ethics, my philosophy. Hours passed in silence, save for the gentle snoring of the ladies surrounding me.
At last, I spoke.
'Genie, for my third wish, I want a giant orange head.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59l58u/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_his_head_is_a_giant/
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How did alien defeat predator?

"Hi, why don't you have a seat right over there please.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59l0bw/how_did_alien_defeat_predator/
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How do computers measure pain?

Gigahurts.
(Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59kzfz/how_do_computers_measure_pain/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make...

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59kveq/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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I wish people would stop asking me where I think I'm going to be in 4 years...

I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ktxw/i_wish_people_would_stop_asking_me_where_i_think/
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Why can’t Kim Kardashian find her asshole?

He’s back on tour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ktp3/why_cant_kim_kardashian_find_her_asshole/
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So a Korean man, a Syrian man, and a Mexican man are all in a truck. Who's driving?

Immigration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59kt6p/so_a_korean_man_a_syrian_man_and_a_mexican_man/
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A joke from the 6-year old my girlfriend babysits...

They are watching TV, and this conversation happens...
GF: "It's cold, I'm freezing in here."
KID: "Let me guess. Your house is much hotter."
GF: "No, actually it's much colder because my roommate doesn't want to put the heat on."
KID: "So why don't you just put it on?"
GF: "Because she doesn't want me to."
KID: "Well maybe you should build a wall that you can go through but the temperature can't go through. So you can be in one part of the house and she can be in the other."
GF: "Oh, yea, sounds like Donald trump"
KID: "...But I said people can go through it."
Maybe this is only funny to me but it had me rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59kt0j/a_joke_from_the_6year_old_my_girlfriend_babysits/
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What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59kr8a/whats_baked_every_day_and_sells_itself/
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I stopped by the house I spent my childhood in, and I politely asked the owners if I could look around. They said no and slammed the door in my face

My parents can be so fucking rude sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59kq04/i_stopped_by_the_house_i_spent_my_childhood_in/
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What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs Hawking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59kosf/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_pleasures_herself/
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Private browsing is for pussys...

... and tits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59knr1/private_browsing_is_for_pussys/
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There's a new holiday in Russia called "National Sobriety Day"

People are at a loss as to how to celebrate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59kjux/theres_a_new_holiday_in_russia_called_national/
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A guy walked up to my bar.

He said, "Can I have a stiff drink?"
"Of course," I replied, cracking some Viagra pills into his whiskey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59kjhf/a_guy_walked_up_to_my_bar/
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I finally found a girl with the same beliefs as my family

She believes I'll amount to nothing as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59kf6z/i_finally_found_a_girl_with_the_same_beliefs_as/
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My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her:

I replied with, "Alright, fatty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59kamd/my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_me_to_tease_her/
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Did you hear about the witch that died while melting down armor?

Her last words were: "I'm smeltinggg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59k9x8/did_you_hear_about_the_witch_that_died_while/
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"Mommy, why do I have black skin and you have white skin?"

"Honey, when I think back to that night, you're lucky you don't bark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59k9sn/mommy_why_do_i_have_black_skin_and_you_have_white/
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Asian guy at my college

So I'm in college math class, and two new guys walk in. They introduce themselves as brothers, Ling and Ving. After a few days of talking, (Ving sits next to me) he says I can get help from him in trig if I answer him one question. I say, sure. (I'm bombing trig so I'd sell my soul to pass.) He asks me "How do I change my name? I wish I was named Lee." I can't blame him, Ving is a dumb name. Ling overhears us and mentions how the name is a family tradition and he'd never touch it. Ving doesn't give a shit so all three of us head down to the town hall after class.
Ving goes straight to the desk, and demands a form. He starts scribbling, but suddenly looks conflicted. Turns out the family tradition goes way far back. Ving says to the receptionist he can't do it. The receptionist tells him that there will be a fee to cancel his request, as he's already started filling out the form. Ling is glad that his brother changed his mind, and grabs some cash from his wallet.
Suddenly, a short, elderly Asian man with neon shorts and an American flag T shirt, complete with Ray-Bans and Nikes, busts into the hall. Someone's obviously adopted the American way.
Ving's eyes well up.
"Dad...?"
Dad runs up and embraces his son, with a huge smile on his face.
"Don't stop, be Lee, Ving."
"Hold on to that fee, Ling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59k87o/asian_guy_at_my_college/
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59k6sb/an_invisible_man_marries_an_invisible_woman/
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How do you call a black woman who had 7 abortions?

...a crime fighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59k5ch/how_do_you_call_a_black_woman_who_had_7_abortions/
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My sister was in love with a Mexican guy. She wanted him to marry her but he went home to Mexico...

... I guess he's the Juan that got away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59k4h9/my_sister_was_in_love_with_a_mexican_guy_she/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59k4en/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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How did Diocletian cut the Roman Empire into 2 empires?

By using Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59k3ig/how_did_diocletian_cut_the_roman_empire_into_2/
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They say that 15% of males don't get enough fibre in their diet...

...I guess it's tough shit for them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jyox/they_say_that_15_of_males_dont_get_enough_fibre/
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What does Donald Trump say after sex?

I never saw that woman in my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jtb8/what_does_donald_trump_say_after_sex/
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A man is sitting in his hospital bed, clad only in a standard issue johnny...

The nurse comes in, going about her duties when the man asks her, "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse gives him an odd look, but dutifully lifts the front of his johnny briefly, takes a look and says, "No."
The man cocks his head to the side with a quizzical look and repeats slightly louder, "Are my *testicles* black?!?"
The nurse sighs, looks again. "Still no?"
The man then pulls down his oxygen mask and loudly says, "Are my *test results* back???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59js9e/a_man_is_sitting_in_his_hospital_bed_clad_only_in/
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A lady goes to the doctor..

And the doctor prescribes testosterone. The lady was like, "Testosterone? That's a male hormone. Won't there be side effects?"
The doctor assures her that for her condition it's the right drug and the side effects will be minimal.
So she says okay, goes home and starts taking it. A few weeks later she goes back for a follow up.
She says to the doc: "I think you've given me too much testosterone. I'm having bad side effects."
"Like what?" asks the doc.
"Well, for one thing, I'm sprouting hair where there isn't supposed to be hair."
The doctor smiles and says: "Oh, that's very common. It's no big deal. Where are you sprouting hair? On your upper lip?"
"No," the lady says. "On my balls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jrux/a_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
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What is the difference between a baby and a feminist?

The baby grows up and learns to stop crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jpvx/what_is_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a/
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Did you hear about the houses that fell in love?

It was a lawn-distance relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jnm1/did_you_hear_about_the_houses_that_fell_in_love/
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My friend won't stop telling me some joke about a king sticking baguettes up his anus...

It's starting to become a royal pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jm58/my_friend_wont_stop_telling_me_some_joke_about_a/
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A man goes to a $3 hooker

He contracted crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $3, a lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jlkn/a_man_goes_to_a_3_hooker/
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I hate being Bipolar...

It's awesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ji6v/i_hate_being_bipolar/
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A Mexican man is throwing a Halloween party...

The only requirement was to come dressed as an emotion.
On the night of the party, Juan was the first to arrive. The host opens the door to see Juan dressed in all red. "Juan what are you doing? You were supposed to come dressed as an emotion!"
"I have" said Juan, "I'm red hot passion"
After a while the doorbell rings and the host opens it to see Pablo dressed in all green. "Pablo what are you doing? You were supposed to come dressed as an emotion!"
"I have" said Pablo, "I'm green with envy"
Later, the doorbell rings again and the host opens the door to see Pedro naked with his dick in a pear. "Pedro what are you doing? You were supposed to come dressed as an emotion!
"I have" said Pedro, "I'm fucking dispair".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ji0p/a_mexican_man_is_throwing_a_halloween_party/
%
Why is it okay for an ice company to commit fraud?

Their assets are already frozen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jhw2/why_is_it_okay_for_an_ice_company_to_commit_fraud/
%
Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jgms/back_in_high_school/
%
Wife: Where the hell have you been? It's 3 o'clock in the morning?

Me: I've been playing poker with some blokes.
Wife: Playing poker with some blokes? You can pack your bags and fucking leave.
Me: So can you sweetheart; this ain't our fucking house anymore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jfcx/wife_where_the_hell_have_you_been_its_3_oclock_in/
%
"Shut up ... you're next!"

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jdxj/shut_up_youre_next/
%
What's the difference between dads and boomerangs?

The boomerangs always come back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jcuk/whats_the_difference_between_dads_and_boomerangs/
%
I bought shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jc4s/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
George Soros is a big reason im voting for Hillary!

His voting machines didn't really give me a choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jbyl/george_soros_is_a_big_reason_im_voting_for_hillary/
%
My wife is on a tropical food diet and the house if full of the stuff...

It's enough to make a mango crazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59jby4/my_wife_is_on_a_tropical_food_diet_and_the_house/
%
My Chinese friend got really sick one day...

...and had to go to a hospital. I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Nǐ zhàn zài wǒ de guǎn” over and over – and then he died. I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59j5jh/my_chinese_friend_got_really_sick_one_day/
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Wiping with only one square of toilet paper is a meditative experience....

You really get in touch with your inner self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59j4yq/wiping_with_only_one_square_of_toilet_paper_is_a/
%
A dung beetle walks into a bar

And asks the bartender, "Is this stool taken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59izow/a_dung_beetle_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's The Difference Between Donald Trump & a Bag of Cheetos?

One is a cheesy sack of toxic crap that's pumped up with orange dye and hot air, and is sold to ignorant masses with no taste.
The other is a corn-based snack food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59iwe2/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_a_bag/
%
I see children like I see bongo drums

They're slightly irritating but it's fashionable for the rich to bring them back from Africa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ivz4/i_see_children_like_i_see_bongo_drums/
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Why do Americans weight lift in tank tops?

Because they like to exercise their right to bare arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59is20/why_do_americans_weight_lift_in_tank_tops/
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I took my wife to Hawaii for our 25th wedding anniversary. You know what I did for our 50th?

Went back and got her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59iowl/i_took_my_wife_to_hawaii_for_our_25th_wedding/
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There are 70 ways to make a man happy...

One is booze and the other is 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ionu/there_are_70_ways_to_make_a_man_happy/
%
TIL if you buy the new MacBook Pro

There is no escape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ims6/til_if_you_buy_the_new_macbook_pro/
%
A boy is selling fish on a corner

To get the attention of the passers by, he yelled "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'damn fish'?" The boy responds "Because i caught these fish at the local dam."
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds, surprised "I didn't know it was acceptable for a pastor to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at dinner, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. His son responds "That's the spirit, dad. Now pass the fucking potatoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59imm9/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
%
'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse.

'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen',he said.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59im71/of_course_i_wont_laugh_said_the_nurse/
%
A standard elevator can hold 1700 lbs

or 5 Tinder matches...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ilje/a_standard_elevator_can_hold_1700_lbs/
%
3 drunk guys entered a taxi.....

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ilf7/3_drunk_guys_entered_a_taxi/
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Married couple

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59iknk/married_couple/
%
Hitler wasn't such a bad guy.

After all, he killed Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ikht/hitler_wasnt_such_a_bad_guy/
%
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

"See you next month"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ijgv/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A drowning epileptic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59iizz/what_sits_at_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_and_twitches/
%
What's the difference between a ginger and a brick?

A brick gets laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ig35/whats_the_difference_between_a_ginger_and_a_brick/
%
What do chemists say when they wanna play a song at guitar?

"Anyway, here's van der Waal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ifvg/what_do_chemists_say_when_they_wanna_play_a_song/
%
Ron goes to see his doctor about his sore wrist

The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."
Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the machine.
"Huh", says the doctor. "These are the strangest test results I've ever seen."
"Really?", says Ron. "What does it say?"
"It says your wife has herpes, your daughter is pregnant, your son isn't yours, your dog has worms and if you don't quit jerking off you're never going to get rid of that sore wrist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ifli/ron_goes_to_see_his_doctor_about_his_sore_wrist/
%
Frank goes hunting in the woods by himself.

He comes across a small black bear drinking from a stream so he shoots and kills it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a large black bear.
"Hey", says the bear. "You just killed my cousin. What's your name?"
"Um....Frank", the hunter says nervously.
"Well Frank", says the bear, "Now you have to pay for that." The bear proceeds to scratch and maul Frank, and finally, sodomizes him.
Two days later, Frank gets out of the hospital, goes back into the woods, tracks down the offending bear and shoots him. He feels another tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see a huge brown bear.
"Hey Frank", says the brown bear. "You just shot my cousin. Now I have to punish you." The bear mauls and bites him and then sodomizes him.
Two weeks later, Frank gets out of the hospital and tracks down the brown bear. He shoots and kills it. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a massive grizzly bear.
"Frank, man...really?" The grizzly proceeds to maul and tear into Frank, then violently sodomizes him.
Two months later, Frank leaves the hospital, immediately goes to his truck, goes back in the woods and finds and shoots the Grizzly. He then feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around to see the biggest polar bear he has ever seen.
"C'mon Frank", says the polar bear. "Just admit it. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ideg/frank_goes_hunting_in_the_woods_by_himself/
%
I challenge you to a battle of wits at high noon! Do you accept?

Yes you say?! Well consider yourself mentally challenged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ibs1/i_challenge_you_to_a_battle_of_wits_at_high_noon/
%
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ib6d/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground?

Well well well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59i8t8/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_three_holes_in/
%
Caesar and Brutus are playing battleships.

A2, Brute?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59i3en/caesar_and_brutus_are_playing_battleships/
%
Why did Donald Trump watch the olympics?

To see how high the mexicans pole vaulters can jump﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59hzao/why_did_donald_trump_watch_the_olympics/
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What's the similarity between pessimists and people with a phobia of sausages?

They both fear the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59hui1/whats_the_similarity_between_pessimists_and/
%
I lost my watch at a party once..

I found it ten minutes later, but some guy was stepping on it. As he stood on my watch, he was sexually harassing a young woman. So I walked up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody does that to a girl. Not on MY watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59hqx2/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
%
My wife left me...

When my wife left me, it hurt. I was so upset and lonely.
Since then, I've got a dog, purchased a new motorcycle, had sex with two beautiful women, and spent thousands of dollars on alcohol and drugs.
She'll go fucking nuts when she gets home from work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59hqma/my_wife_left_me/
%
I've decided to start listing the sources of my eggs.

It's very eggs-citing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59hox2/ive_decided_to_start_listing_the_sources_of_my/
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What's the difference between a diaper and a politician?

When a diaper is full of shit, it gets discarded. When a politician is full of shit, it runs for president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59hnqg/whats_the_difference_between_a_diaper_and_a/
%
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59hn3o/how_many_politicians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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When you pass gas loudly in a crowded room, everyone should applaud...

That takes some guts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59hma9/when_you_pass_gas_loudly_in_a_crowded_room/
%
Why do rednecks love sandwiches?

Because they're inbred too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59hi8x/why_do_rednecks_love_sandwiches/
%
Joke that was totally told to me by a Navy SEAL and I am not lying or anything

After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush  opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Bush  was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Bush he's holding the message upside down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59hhnk/joke_that_was_totally_told_to_me_by_a_navy_seal/
%
How Does Sean Connery Wash His Dishes?

Like a Bosch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59hh9s/how_does_sean_connery_wash_his_dishes/
%
What do you call the shiniest people?

Polish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59hewr/what_do_you_call_the_shiniest_people/
%
Within a small tribe of Native Indians, some of the men ask the chief how cold the winter will be...

The chief replies "It will be a very cold winter, we must get a lot of wood"
So, the men go out and collect the winter supply of wood, with some extra just in case. They go back the the chief and ask if it will be enough, to which, he replies: "It will be a *very* cold winter, go get more wood.
So again, the men go out and collect more wood, they find the Chief again and ask if it will be enough, to which he replies: "No, it will be a **very** cold winter, you must get more wood."
This happens four more times, until the Chief comes to the realization that if it is not a cold winter, they will kill him for lying to them, and for making them collect so much wood. So the Chief decides to the local town to ask the meteorologist how cold the winter will be. He get's on his horse and heads out. Upon reaching the meteorologist, he asks him "how cold will the winter be?".
The meteorologist responds "Oh, it will be a very cold winter this year"
The chief, relieved, asks how he knows this, to which the meteorologist replies "Just look at how much wood the Indians are collecting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59heqw/within_a_small_tribe_of_native_indians_some_of/
%
Two jews walk into a bank

The bartender says "Shit, I'm in the wrong joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59hefq/two_jews_walk_into_a_bank/
%
What sex position creates the ugliest children?

Ask your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59hapz/what_sex_position_creates_the_ugliest_children/
%
I want a job cleaning mirrors....

It's just something I could really see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59h9t7/i_want_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
%
Stevie Wonder was once asked if there could be anything worse then being blind.

To which he replied "Well... I could have been black".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59h9rz/stevie_wonder_was_once_asked_if_there_could_be/
%
What did the italian man with dementia have for dinner?

Forgetti Bolognese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59h8pp/what_did_the_italian_man_with_dementia_have_for/
%
The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house...

and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!
He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59h7w5/the_three_stooges_are_spending_the_night_in_a/
%
My girlfriend treats me like a god

Now if I can only get her to stop being an atheist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59h7gg/my_girlfriend_treats_me_like_a_god/
%
I'm going to be a clown for Halloween.

So I can finally get shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59h4hk/im_going_to_be_a_clown_for_halloween/
%
Mexican bookstore

I was walking down a mall and saw a store called "Mexican Bookstore." Naturally curious, I walked in and asked the guy behind the counter:
"Excuse me, sir, but do you happen to have a book about Donald Trump's immigration policy?"
"Fuck you! Get the fuck out and stay the fuck out!" he yelled
"Yeah, that's the one, do you have it in paperback?" I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59h3hr/mexican_bookstore/
%
"I have a split personality."

...said Tom, being frank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59h0ya/i_have_a_split_personality/
%
Happy anniversary to the love of my life..

and her husband Jonathan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59h0ro/happy_anniversary_to_the_love_of_my_life/
%
Ads can get you laid

Cuz when I turned on Ad blocker, all the women in my area who were interested in me suddenly disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59gypn/ads_can_get_you_laid/
%
I was at the library finding books about missing indigenous women

Couldn't find any

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59gwdl/i_was_at_the_library_finding_books_about_missing/
%
A black third grader goes up to his mom and says:

"Mom, I have the biggest dick in the third grade, is it because i'm black?"
"No." She replies. "It's because you're 19."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59gucc/a_black_third_grader_goes_up_to_his_mom_and_says/
%
Recent studies have shown that 67% of women have used vibrators

The other 33% have brand new ones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59gslx/recent_studies_have_shown_that_67_of_women_have/
%
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it.

Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59gsf4/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_whos/
%
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

"Hold onto your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59gscn/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_tree/
%
The Fowl Mouthed Parrot

A woman brought home a parrot from the pound, and discovered, to her dismay that he loved to swear like a sailor.
One day, after being called a juicy bitch one time too many, she grabbed him, and threw him into the freezer, in order to teach him a lesson.
After a few minutes, she opened the door, and the parrot started talking, still shivering from the cold- "Pardon me, Madam, I am so sorry for how I've acted, and I shall never swear at you again."
She smiled, and fed him a cracker.
He enjoyed the snack, and then said "I must know, however, what the heck did the chicken do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59grbd/the_fowl_mouthed_parrot/
%
A blind person, and girl drop into a well

Girl says: It's so dark in here, don't you agree?
Blind guy: Sigh*
Girl: Oh so you're deaf too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59gpao/a_blind_person_and_girl_drop_into_a_well/
%
My 92 year old husband was on his deathbed

after a long illness, and I asked him whether, looking back over his long and eventful life, he had any regrets.
"The only thing I regret is that I never won anything," he told me.
I squeezed his hand, "yes you did," I smiled.
"You won my heart".
"No," he said.
"I meant something where you're presented with a cup or cash prize, you stupid old bitch."
And those were the last words he ever said to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59gowo/my_92_year_old_husband_was_on_his_deathbed/
%
Mountains aren't just funny

They are hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59gkpx/mountains_arent_just_funny/
%
So a radio talks to another radio

Over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59gfxe/so_a_radio_talks_to_another_radio/
%
Four Types of Orgasm.

1.Spiritual...."Oh God"
2.Positive....."Oh Yes"
3.Negative...."Oh No"
And,
4.Fake......"Oh [insert your name here]"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ge3d/four_types_of_orgasm/
%
What did the Chinese cowboy say?

Nii haw!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59g9vy/what_did_the_chinese_cowboy_say/
%
A duck walks into a bar and asks...

"Hello Bartender, might you happen to have any of those delightful crimson seedless grapes?"
"Sorry sir, I know how much you enjoy them. We should have more by tomorrow. We do however have  some fresh Kyoho grapes imported from Japan."
"Ah, I see," says the duck, crestfallen. "Well at any rate those shall suffice."
The bartender presents the grapes on an oriental laquerware serving dish. The duck proceeds to peel back the bitter skin and eat the sweet fruit underneath.
Upon finishing his fruits, the duck asks, "Say friend, might you happen to have any nails?"
"Nails? That's an odd request to a barman. Sorry I'm afraid not."
"Odd indeed. I only ask because I have some hired help doing some restoration work on my heirloom veranda. They've just run out of nails. I just thought I'd ask on the off chance. Well I must be off now to the hardware store, but may I have a parcel of those grapes to go? The help will be parched from working under this hot sun and I suspect they might enjoy some fruit."
"Yes sir. Here you are." The bartender hands him the parcel. The bartender then asks, "Would you like the bill sir?"
"Oh Jeffrey you rapscallion," replies the duck, breaking into a lighthearted chuckle. They share the polite laughter of old acquaintances, as they both well know that the duck has been the owner of the establishment for quite some time since he purchased it from the former owners, who were far less hospitable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59g8xd/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
%
[LONG] A lesson in goverment

A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59g71v/long_a_lesson_in_goverment/
%
I've lost interest in dating

I decided to tell my therapist that archaeology just wasn't my thing anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59g50s/ive_lost_interest_in_dating/
%
I just shot my first turkey today!

I don't think they are going to let me back into that store again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59g421/i_just_shot_my_first_turkey_today/
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My brother just finished his doctorals

So he went to Starbucks to celebrate.
The cashier said. "What would you like sir?"
"I would like an espresso please" my brother replied.
"Okay sir, I just need your name." The cashier said.
"It's Stephen" My brother replied.
"With a 'ph'?" The cashier asked.
My brother then replied. "No, it's Stephen, with a PhD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fz6x/my_brother_just_finished_his_doctorals/
%
A Man Walks Into A Bra...

Dyslexia's a bitch, ain't it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fyvu/a_man_walks_into_a_bra/
%
How do chinese people laugh over the internet?

Lmao Zedong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fyof/how_do_chinese_people_laugh_over_the_internet/
%
That awkward moment when your girlfriend and side chick are both pregnant...

...and you realize you have to tell your wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fy9p/that_awkward_moment_when_your_girlfriend_and_side/
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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months

I don't like to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fxbq/i_havent_spoken_to_my_wife_for_18_months/
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What do you call a hot pepper with nothing inside it?

A hollowpeno

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fqzs/what_do_you_call_a_hot_pepper_with_nothing_inside/
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Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Woman?

You have to drop the bomb twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fq3e/why_is_it_so_hard_to_break_up_with_a_japanese/
%
I escaped

Iraq. Wanna know how?
Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fopt/i_escaped/
%
Man walks into a bar...

A man walk into a bar and sees Loretta, a forty-something waitress smoking behind the bar. On the bar is a sign that reads, "Cheese sandwiches: $5.00. Hand jobs: $10.00." Man says to Loretta, "Here's ten dollars. Go wash your hands and make me two cheese sandwiches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fnqh/man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they can't find home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59flkc/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
A midget walks into a bookstore...

...& asks clerk: 'do you happen to have any books on irony.'
The clerk points to a shelf: 'top row.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fkxt/a_midget_walks_into_a_bookstore/
%
Mickey and Minnie Mouse get a divorce

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in court trying to settle the terms of their divorce, and the judge says, "Mr. Mouse, you say you are divorcing your wife because she is crazy, but I see no reason to believe your wife is mentally ill!" Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy; I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fkvo/mickey_and_minnie_mouse_get_a_divorce/
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What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fk7o/what_do_you_get_when_you_divide_a_pumpkins/
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A man walks into a bar leading a pony on a harness...

Bartender says to the man "You can't bring that pony in here."
Man replies, "This is a special pony. He pays for all my drinks. See, I bet you, the bartender, that my pony can recite every letter of the alphabet after each shot of whiskey he drinks. You won't believe me, so you take that bet. When you lose, I get to drink for free the rest of the night. If I lose, my pony works for you for a week, free of charge."
"You're right says the bartender. "I don't believe you. That bet is on."
The bartender puts a shot glass on the counter and fills it with whiskey. The pony picks the glass up in his lips, chugs it down, slams the glass down on the bar top and whispers out "Aaaay" in a raspy voice.
The man smiles and the bartender just looks dumbfounded before pouring out another shot.
"Beeee" the pony whispers next.
The bartender pours out another shot. Then shot after shot after shot....
"Seeee" the pony says rasping whispers . "Deeee. Eeeeee. Effff. Geeeee." This continues for every letter of the alphabet all the way to "Zeeee."
"That's amazing," says the bartender as he pours the man his free drink for winning the bet.  "I've never met a talking pony before. Is he alright though? All that whiskey makes it sound like he has a frog in his throat."
"It's ok," replies the man. "He's just a little horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fk1s/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_leading_a_pony_on_a_harness/
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How do you know if a chick used a vibrator while she was pregnant?

The kid stutters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fhnm/how_do_you_know_if_a_chick_used_a_vibrator_while/
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A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, why were you up so late last night?
Son: I wasn't! The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching a kung-fu movie! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay, fine, I was watching a porno!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59feaz/a_dad_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps_you_if/
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A priest walks up to a rabbi and says . . .

"Been in any good jokes lately?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fc48/a_priest_walks_up_to_a_rabbi_and_says/
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How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs they screw in dirty vans...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fb0p/how_many_hippies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife

"Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband, You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59favu/a_professor_of_mathematics_sent_a_fax_to_his_wife/
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Weight loss programs

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me.” Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.” The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine!!!” He lost 63 pounds that week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fat1/weight_loss_programs/
%
A mother, father, and thier young son go to a zoo.....

The child looks at one of the pens and says, "hey mom, what's that?", the mother replies, "oh that's an elephant". Noticing the gargantuan member beneath the elephant, the child asks "what's that under the elephant?", embarrassed the mother replies, "oh that's nothing". The child then walks over to his father and asks, "Dad, what's that thing underneath the elephant?", his dad replies "That's the elephant's penis son." The child said, "Well mom says it's nothing",the dad replies, "Oh, how I spoil that woman".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fao2/a_mother_father_and_thier_young_son_go_to_a_zoo/
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A midget walked into a bar

I guess it was set too low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59fa2d/a_midget_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Many Americans don't know the opposites of the following words:

* Always
* Coming
* From
* Take
* Me
* Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59f3d8/many_americans_dont_know_the_opposites_of_the/
%
What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59f0r7/what_does_bill_clinton_say_to_hillary_after_sex/
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A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become.

The boy said, "Mom? I have something to tell you"
"Go ahead", the mother said. "I promise not to laugh."
*The boy wanted to be a comedian.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59f0n4/a_boy_talks_to_his_mother_about_what_he_hopes_to/
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Why are black people unable to get a Ph.D.?

Because they can't get past their Masters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ezzd/why_are_black_people_unable_to_get_a_phd/
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A young man went shopping for his girlfriend's birthday present...

A young man went shopping for his girlfriend's birthday present in company with his girlfriend's sister. He chose an expensive pair of beige gloves and the sister bought a pair of white panties. Unfortunately in the process of wrapping, the gifts became mixed up with the result that the parcel from the boy contained the panties. Inside was a note, which read:
Dear Alison, I chose these because I noticed you're not in the habit of wearing any when we go out. If it hadn't been for your sister, I would have chosen long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones too that are easy to remove.
I hope you like the shade. I know they're pale but the lady in the store showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past month and they were hardly soiled. I had her try on yours for me and she looked really great!
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt the other hands will come in contact with them before I see you again. just think how many times I will kiss them over the coming year! I do hope you wear them on Friday. Love, Adam.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59exqc/a_young_man_went_shopping_for_his_girlfriends/
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Big shoutout to my great grandmother

She can't hear me otherwise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59eubo/big_shoutout_to_my_great_grandmother/
%
A penguin has car trouble...(oldie)

He pulls his car into a gas/service/diner and asks them to check it out.
"OK buddy, we'll get right on it. Shouldn't take more than a couple minutes. You can wait in the diner if you want."
so mr. penguin goes to the diner and orders a large sundae. after he's done he goes back to the mechanic
"Hey pal, I hate to tell you this but it looks like you blew a seal!"
"Oh heavens no,"  says the penguin "its just ice cream"
*obviously not original but i've only heard it once so i thought id give it a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ekbc/a_penguin_has_car_troubleoldie/
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My girlfriend might be a gorilla...

Everyone is always taking their dicks out for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59eh88/my_girlfriend_might_be_a_gorilla/
%
How many SJW's does it take to change a 90w lightbulb?

Did you just assume my wattage??? FLICKERED

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59egsu/how_many_sjws_does_it_take_to_change_a_90w/
%
I wasn't going to get a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59e7i8/i_wasnt_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59e3k6/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion. ^^^nyuk, ^^^nyuk, ^^^nyuk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59e1yx/is_google_male_or_female/
%
I tried typing "penis" as my new password

and I got an error message saying it was too short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59e1xn/i_tried_typing_penis_as_my_new_password/
%
I once met a prostitute that said she would do anything for $100

I said paint my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59e0tj/i_once_met_a_prostitute_that_said_she_would_do/
%
Two hunters joke.

Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help. He shouts at the emergency operator, "I think my friend is dead! What do I do!?"
"Calm down", the operator says in a soothing voice, "I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he's dead."
The phone goes silent for a second, then the operator hears a gunshot; "Ok", says the hunter, "now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59dzc5/two_hunters_joke/
%
I posed naked for a magazine today.

Although from the reaction I got I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59duaw/i_posed_naked_for_a_magazine_today/
%
What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 4 pints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59dtqf/whats_the_difference_between_a_dog_and_a_fox/
%
Just found out that 'aaaaarrrrggghhhh' isn't a real word

I can't tell you how angry I am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59drdm/just_found_out_that_aaaaarrrrggghhhh_isnt_a_real/
%
Father and his three daughters

A father and his three daughters are sitting in the living room, when one of the daughters walks up to her father and says, "Daddy, why did you name me Rose?" he replies "Because when u were born a rose petal fell on your forehead". The second daughter walks up to her father and says, "Daddy, why did you name me Violet?" he replies "Because when you were born a violet petal fell on your forehead". The third daughter says "AAAAUUURRRGGHHH!!" and the father says "SHUT UP, CINDERBLOCK!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59dp0n/father_and_his_three_daughters/
%
A duck walks into a bar

. He asks the bartender "do you have any fish?"
The bartender replies, "No fish mate sorry."
"Okay" says the duck, "I'll have a pie and a pint."
The duck walks into the bar the next day. "Got any fish?" he asks the bartender again. "No, same as yesterday!" replies the bartender slightly annoyed. "Okay" says the duck, "I'll have a pie and a pint."
The duck walks into the bar the next day at lunchtime and asks the bartender, "any fish?" "Look here" shouts the bartender pulling a hammer from underneath the bar. "If you come in here asking for fish tomorrow I'm going to nail your bill to this bar."
"Okay" says the duck, "I'll have a pie and a pint."
The duck strolls into the bar the very next day. "Got any any nails" he says to the barman."
"No" he replies
"Got any fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59dn3f/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring".

So I bought her nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59dmcd/my_wifes_birthday_is_in_two_days_and_she_told_me/
%
What's the difference between Santa and a Jew?

Santa goes down the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59dko3/whats_the_difference_between_santa_and_a_jew/
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My girlfriend said I was average

I told her to stop being mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59djv9/my_girlfriend_said_i_was_average/
%
A man walks into a bar

and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59dh9s/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
You know it's a shitty day at the office when

Everytime you walk into the bathroom all the stalls are taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59deob/you_know_its_a_shitty_day_at_the_office_when/
%
Me: Mom, am I ugly?

Mom: Why don't you ask your girlfriend?
Me: But I don't have a girlfriend!
Mom: Still looking for the answer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59dcq1/me_mom_am_i_ugly/
%
A shrinking man walks into a doctors office.

The receptionist says, "you'll have to be a little patient".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59dcl3/a_shrinking_man_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
%
What did the cannibalistic lion do?

Swallow his pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59db0o/what_did_the_cannibalistic_lion_do/
%
Why did Obama serve two terms?

Because blacks always get a longer sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59d9d9/why_did_obama_serve_two_terms/
%
Donald Trump is actually just a confused Marxist.

He wants to seize the means of reproduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59d4jv/donald_trump_is_actually_just_a_confused_marxist/
%
If cloning ever becomes real, I want 3 triceratops.

I even already have names for them. Oneceratops, Twoceratops, and Jeff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59d3ej/if_cloning_ever_becomes_real_i_want_3_triceratops/
%
What did the old fly say to the young fly?

I've seen a lot of shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59d16s/what_did_the_old_fly_say_to_the_young_fly/
%
My friend used to be addicted to mud wrestling...

He's 6 months clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59d0wj/my_friend_used_to_be_addicted_to_mud_wrestling/
%
I just finished reading the fifth book in this great series.

It's called the "Learning to Count" trilogy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59czy9/i_just_finished_reading_the_fifth_book_in_this/
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One day Eddie Vedder and Bob Dylan got into an argument.

nobody knows why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59czaj/one_day_eddie_vedder_and_bob_dylan_got_into_an/
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A touching story of a boy and his cat

one day,a boy named Kevin found a cat in the streets. He touched the cat. Touched it again.
and again.
and again and again and again and again...
told you it was a touching story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59cyjf/a_touching_story_of_a_boy_and_his_cat/
%
What did the Israelite say to the american when offering him a drink?

"Here, try this, Israeli refreshing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59cw13/what_did_the_israelite_say_to_the_american_when/
%
If 4 people have sex is called a four-some

3 people have sex is a three-some
and 2 people have sex is a two-some
Now you know why they call me handsome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ctlw/if_4_people_have_sex_is_called_a_foursome/
%
My mom says I look just like my father.

It's weird that she thinks that, because everyone else says I look like Steve the mailman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ctfo/my_mom_says_i_look_just_like_my_father/
%
A new store opens up in Dubai that promises to sell anything a customer wants. If they do not have what the customer asks for they will give him/her 10 thousand dollars.

One guy goes to the store, sees the sign and decides to try the game. He goes to the counter and asks for a green elephant's ear. The cashier gets him the product. The guy is in shock but tries again. This time he asks for a real vampire's tooth. The cashier goes to the back of the store and brings the teeth. After thinking for a little the guy says "Give me 2 of nothing". The cashier gets worried that they have to pay the customer and goes to the manager.
The manager calls the customer into his office and asks what he wants. The guy says he wants two of nothing. The manager asks him to turn the lights off. Then says "what do you see?" The guy says "nothing." The manager says "take two of those and the fuck out of the store"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59cojh/a_new_store_opens_up_in_dubai_that_promises_to/
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I never told them anything.

Q: What did the gangster’s son tell his dad
when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours
but I never told them anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59cju7/i_never_told_them_anything/
%
First time with a condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59chup/first_time_with_a_condom/
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Tim and Tom break down

Neither Tim nor Tom were very smart but Tim always seemed to have a better idea or two at times.  They were headed over the next town to try and pick up some girls when they broke down on a dirt road about 30 miles away.  Dark had just set in and wouldn’t you know it, it started to rain.  Lucky for them they broke down right next to an old farm house with a big red barn.
They walked up to the farm house and knocked on the door.  An old farmer answered the door and Tim and Tom explained what had happened and asked to use the phone.   The farmer obliged but kept a close eye on the two.    Tim and Tom called every tow truck they could think of but no one was able to come out until the morning.
With their vehicle broke down and it raining outside they begged the farmer if they could stay the night.  Well the old farmer was not keen on this idea one bit.  You see, the farmer had a daughter and didn’t care for 2 boys to be running around his farm because his daughter was the most beautiful girl around and he knew that these 2 would surely try to take her innocence.
After begging and begging the Farmer decided to go ahead and let them sleep in the barn but gave them fair warning about his daughter.  The farmer let them know if either one of them even laid an eye on her they’d wish they were never born come that next night fall.
The farmer’s daughter heard all of this and because her father had always kept her from boys was excited to meet them and that night she snuck out of her window and went to the barn to meet them.
As soon as Tim and Tom laid eyes on the farmer’s daughter they couldn’t help themselves and soon enough one thing lead to another.  Just as everyone had their clothes off the farmer walked in with his shot gun in hand.
It was morning now and the farmer took Tim and Tom out into his fields.  He told them that they were warned and now it was time to pay up.  The farm told Tim and Tom to look out over his fields.  The Farmer informed them that he grew every single fruit imaginable and they were to go out into the field and pick 100 of their favorite fruit.
Tim and Tom went out to do their task.  Tim being just a little smarter had the idea that he would pick grapes, they’re small and should be easy to pick.  He was back with his  grapes in no time.  When he brought to the grapes to the farmer, the farmer told him now the real punishment would start and that he couldn’t leave his farm until he put every one of those grapes In his butt.  Then the farmer left
About an hour later the farmer came back to check on him and was surprised to see Tim laughing historically with 1 grape left.  The farm yells at Tim asking him what the heck is so funny, how could anything possible be this funny when you have 99 grapes in your butt?
Between laugh all Tim could get out was “Toms out there picking watermelons!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59cglv/tim_and_tom_break_down/
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What does an Asian man do during an erection?

Vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59c7co/what_does_an_asian_man_do_during_an_erection/
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I farted in my wallet.

Now i have gas money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59c6sa/i_farted_in_my_wallet/
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Paddy has a broken leg

and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin'?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59c6jo/paddy_has_a_broken_leg/
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A duck waddles into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and quacks, "Got any duck food?" The bartender says no and the duck waddles right back out.
Next day, there's the duck again. Once again he asks, "Got any duck food?" After the bartender says no again, the duck waddles away.
This goes on for weeks. Every day the duck waddles in, gets told no, and waddles back out. The bartender, having long gotten over the novelty of a talking duck, has become fed up. So, the next time the duck comes in the bartender warns him, "No, we don't have any duck food, we don't carry duck food, and if you come in here asking for it again I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" The duck, of course, waddles out.
The next day, the duck comes right back in. The bartender shouts at him, "WHAT!?"
The duck replies, "Got any nails?"
The bartender cries, "NO, I don't have any nails."
The duck says, "Good. Got any duck food?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59c5xz/a_duck_waddles_into_a_bar/
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What does a redneck do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59c4xm/what_does_a_redneck_do_on_halloween/
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Donal Trump supporters have become exactly what they hate:

A minority

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59c4a5/donal_trump_supporters_have_become_exactly_what/
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A man goes to Egypt.

A man takes a trip to Egypt and wants to rent a car. He goes to the dealer and asks them what cars they have. The dealer says "Oh, we ran out of cars, but we do have camels."
"A camel?" the man asks. "Why would I take a camel?"
"Well," the car renter explains "they're as fast as a car, cheaper to maintain, and they're trained very well. You just say 'Woah' to make it move forward and 'Aishee' to make it stop."
"Alright, I'll try a camel."
The man is riding the camel and he wants to see how fast it goes. He keeps shouting "Woah, woah, woah!"
Eventually the camel is going faster than the man can handle and then he notices that the ground in front of him is turning into a cliff.
The camel is going and the man is trying desperately to remember the word to make it stop. "Ayaaa, Ashaaa, Allie!" He shouts to the camel. "Oh wait, Aishee!"
The camel stops, with its toes barely on the cliff, just in time. The man looks over the camel, down the cliff and in relief, he rubs the sweat from his brow and says "Woah."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59bzb6/a_man_goes_to_egypt/
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If a woman says, "all men think with their dicks"

Well... then blow my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59bxph/if_a_woman_says_all_men_think_with_their_dicks/
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The little rabbit who wanted to make pancakes

So the little rabbit decided in a morning to make pancakes. After inspecting the kitchen he finds there are ingredients for about 100 pancakes but he owns no frying pan.
Fortunately, the bear is a great cook and he has anything you might need so why shouldn't the little rabbit borrow that frying pan.
He start walking toward the bear house and just as he leave he thinks:
*If I ask the bear for a frying pan he'll know I make pancakes so it would be quite unfriendly to not share some with him; I'll say I'll return the frying pan and give him 10 pancakes for that.*
Goes the little rabbit a bit further and rethinks his strategy:
*...and still, 10 pancakes is barely enough maybe 25 pancakes should better satisfy his hunger.*
he's starting to get a little closer but
*... man but me and bear... we go waaay back. We are friends. Friends are sharing everything. I should keep 50 for myself and he gets 50. That's only fair.*
He almost got there but on the second though
*...and still he is waay more bigger than me. He eats much more. He should get 75 pancakes and I can keep just 25, perfectly ok with me. 25 pancakes will suffice"*
Finally he reaches the bear house, knocks and the bear answer:
*How may I help little rabbit?"*
*"Man, go fuck yourself with your fucking frying pan."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59bwx7/the_little_rabbit_who_wanted_to_make_pancakes/
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The Perfect Man and the Perfect Woman

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
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There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
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Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling****.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59bwix/the_perfect_man_and_the_perfect_woman/
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I have sex almost every day!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59buyj/i_have_sex_almost_every_day/
%
Little Johnny Goes To School...

Little Johnny goes to school and after only 15 minutes, the teacher tells them that whoever can identify the speaker one of three quotes can go home. Johnny couldn't believe it, he was smart enough, he could go home after only 15 minutes of school!
So the teacher says "I'll start out with an easy one. Who said 'I have a dream?'"
Before Johnny could even blink, Little Sally throws her hand in the air and says "Martin Luther King Jr." The teacher congratulates her and lets her leave.
"Ok, I'll get the next one. I'm determined." thinks Johnny.
"Next one. Who said 'You must be the change you wish to see in the world?"
Before Johnny's arm can move, Little Annie raised her hand and says "Ghandi!" The teacher congratulates her and let her leave.
Now Johnny is mad. "I have to get this next one!"
The teacher says "Ok, last one. Who said: 'Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Little Johnny trows his hand up, but Little Suzy is called on for being just barely faster. She answers: "Albert Einstein." The teacher congratulates her and lets her leave.
Just then, Little Johnny furiously shouts "Those bitches need to shut their mouth!" The teacher whirls around and asks "Who said that?!?"
"Bill Cosby! Can I go home now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59bo46/little_johnny_goes_to_school/
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Bagpiper at a Funeral

A bagpiper  was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost.
He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt very badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. Not knowing what else to do, he started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he’d never played before for this homeless man. And as he played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together.
When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full. As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59bns0/bagpiper_at_a_funeral/
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What do you call an epileptic puppy?

Kibbles 'n Fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59blo9/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_puppy/
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Oldie - -Communist China telegrams Soviet Russia

Communist China:
WE ARE OUT OF FOOD. SEND GRAIN
Soviet reply:
WE ARE ALSO OUT OF FOOD. TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS
Communist China:
SEND BELTS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59bkdz/oldie_communist_china_telegrams_soviet_russia/
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My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances

Well, she's in for a shock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59bhe0/my_girlfriend_says_im_hopeless_at_fixing/
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Donald Trump is the candy corn of politicians

Part white, part orange and sickening in large doses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59bf36/donald_trump_is_the_candy_corn_of_politicians/
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I feel sorry for the wasted sperm

Some of them turn out stupid, run for President and win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59beiz/i_feel_sorry_for_the_wasted_sperm/
%
Halloween is coming up. This is the best time to teach your kids about taxes and social security...

Take away 30% of their Halloween candy and promise them you'll give part of it back in 70 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59bddu/halloween_is_coming_up_this_is_the_best_time_to/
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My gay friend got stoned today.

I told him Saudi Arabia was not a good honeymoon destination but he didn't listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59bb46/my_gay_friend_got_stoned_today/
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A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank and said to the teller, “I wanna open a fucking checking account.”

“Certainly, sir,” answered the teller, “but there’s no need to use that kind of language.”
“Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account,” growled the would-be customer.
“I’ll be glad to be of service, sir,” said the teller, flushing slightly, “but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way.”
“Just lemme open a fucking checking account, okay?”
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to speak to the branch manager,” said the flustered teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper middle-aged man, who asked how he could be of service.
“I just won the ten-million-dollar lottery,” snarled the man, “and all I wanna do is open a fucking checking account.”
“I see,” said the manager sympathetically. “And this bitch is giving you trouble?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59baux/a_rather_scruffylooking_man_came_into_a_bank_and/
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To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election!

It's called President Evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59b9g2/to_silence_her_critics_who_hail_her_as_satan/
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I make weak food puns

They're never stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59b9a2/i_make_weak_food_puns/
%
Where was the toothbrush invented?

West Virginia, anywhere else it would be called the teethbrush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59b8qe/where_was_the_toothbrush_invented/
%
If you are anti-abortion...

Are you pro youth-in-asia?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59b73o/if_you_are_antiabortion/
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A late night booty call woke me from a deep sleep...

that damn cricket better have got some!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59b5hc/a_late_night_booty_call_woke_me_from_a_deep_sleep/
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How do mathematicians count x-men?

Permutations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59b1zn/how_do_mathematicians_count_xmen/
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How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Who knows, they never get the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59b0a3/how_many_divorced_men_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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You know what they say

If the water slide is broken, the log ride's still open!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ax8h/you_know_what_they_say/
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I bought a 32ft ruler.

For extreme measures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59aw7q/i_bought_a_32ft_ruler/
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You might as well shoot for the stars because...

Best case scenario you succeed and are immediately vaporized into nothing. Worst case scenario you miss and fade into the endless void of nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59aul6/you_might_as_well_shoot_for_the_stars_because/
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"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..."

"He took a long look at me and gave me $300"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59as86/my_husband_is_such_a_pig_all_i_asked_for_was_100/
%
What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song?

Crimea River...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59aqz6/what_is_putins_favorite_justin_timberlake_song/
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I have views on my hot neighbour but she’s a cat person.

And this morning, my dog came with the cat in its mouth, dead of course.
I was horrified and realised I had to fix this if I ever want to hit her.
So I went to all the kennels in the shire to find the exact same cat.
Finally found it and put the dead cat’s collar on it. Send it back to her garden and then ran away.
Ten minutes later, heard a big scream, she was unconscious on the lawn.
I rushed to wake her up and asked what happened, worried she would have spot that the cat was different. She replied, out of breath:
“I found my cat dead this morning, my dad came and we buried it. And now I find it back to life!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59aqqq/i_have_views_on_my_hot_neighbour_but_shes_a_cat/
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JOKE BANK

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
Q: Why didn’t the melons get married?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because chickens weren't around yet.
Q: What do you call a sad coffee?
A: Depresso.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59apxh/joke_bank/
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What happens to illegally parked frogs?

They get toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59apim/what_happens_to_illegally_parked_frogs/
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The other day I found two gold bars.

I've always dreamed of an Au pair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59apcp/the_other_day_i_found_two_gold_bars/
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What confuses a gay person

Seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59al7e/what_confuses_a_gay_person/
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Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket?

He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59aitm/why_did_the_bald_man_cut_a_hole_in_his_pocket/
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What do you call a couple punctual doctors with good handwriting?

A paradox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59af81/what_do_you_call_a_couple_punctual_doctors_with/
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The day after I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I lost my calendar.

My life has been pretty uneventful since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59af4x/the_day_after_i_was_diagnosed_with_alzheimers_i/
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I knew I was destined to be a psychologist not a magician...

...when I pulled a habit out of a rat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59aexv/i_knew_i_was_destined_to_be_a_psychologist_not_a/
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A funny joke that my arabic dad told me :"the boy who wanted onion flavoured ice cream"

One day , The ice cream shop has a visitor , It is a little boy , The shop keeper says "Welcome , You came to the right place for your ice cream needs young man!" The little boy shouts while he is still at the door : "Do you guys have onion flavoured ice cream?" , The man is suprised and said: "no ,we don't sorry" the boy leaves
The next day at the same time the boy comes in , The shop keeper out of habit says "Welcome" but he sees that it is the boy and silences him self thinking the boy is mad . The boy says :"Do you have onion flavoured ice cream?" The man says :"No , We dont".
That keeps going for 2 or 3 weeks until the man thought to himself:"You know , Why dont i make onion flavoured Ice cream for the little guy?" and he stood up all night to make it great .
The boy comes the next day , "Welcome" says the shop keeper,
The boy says the usual lines :"Do you have onion flavoured Ice cream?"
the man excitingly says : "Yes we do" the boy then says :
"Wow you guys must be retarded , Who would buy that shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59adts/a_funny_joke_that_my_arabic_dad_told_me_the_boy/
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I can't believe they fired me from the calendar company!

I just took a day off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59accs/i_cant_believe_they_fired_me_from_the_calendar/
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An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan.

One day he decides to hire a hooker.
The whole night this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!"
He can't quite remember what the word means, but he is positive that he pleased the hooker to the best of his ability.
The next morning he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner, when he suddenly makes a hole in one.
Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese, and he can't think of anything to say but "Hoshimota!"
Concerned, his partner turns to him and says: "What do you mean 'The wrong hole'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ac8f/an_american_businessman_is_on_a_business_trip_in/
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What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59abxr/what_do_boobs_and_toys_have_in_common/
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Boss sent me a message the other day

: *Send me some funny messages*
I replied: *I'm working right now, I will send you later*
Boss: *hahaha..send me another one*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59abgg/boss_sent_me_a_message_the_other_day/
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What does a piano, a tuna and a pot of glue have in common?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59abcd/what_does_a_piano_a_tuna_and_a_pot_of_glue_have/
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"Honey, you're not really nice to your son"

"Which one do you mean? Steve, John or the fat one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59ab8e/honey_youre_not_really_nice_to_your_son/
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What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59aasc/whats_the_best_part_about_gardening/
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When is a pentagon not a pentagon?

When it's intercepted by a separate plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59a7p8/when_is_a_pentagon_not_a_pentagon/
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A man is lost in the desert.

He's tired and as he's stumbling up another sand dune , he comes across a lamp.
"What the hell?", he thinks and rubs it three times and a genie pops out.
"Thank you so much!" The genie tells the man. "I've been trapped in that lamp for thousands of years! Since you set me free I will grant you one wish."
The man kinda grumbles thinking he always thought it was three wishes but quickly gets over it. A wish is a wish. He pulls out a map from his back pocket and asks the genie, "You see this part of the world right here?"
He points to the Middle East. "There's so much violence and turmoil that has lasted thousands of years there that I would like there to be peace for as long as the world exists."
The genie responds to the man with a tear coming out of his eye, "I'm sorry . Even with all my magical power I cannot make that wish come true." A tear drops out of the man's eye. He really wanted to make a difference.
"Cheer up!" genie says, "You still have a wish! what else might you wish for?"
"Well... You know Mariah Careys vagina? How it's all blown out and used up? I wish it was nice and tight again. Like when she was younger."
The genie responds, "Let me take a look at that map again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59a65m/a_man_is_lost_in_the_desert/
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[Long] Johnny comes home from school early...

...and decides to play with his toys in his parents room, as he is never allowed.
However as he begins to play he hears the front door open, and footsteps come down the hallway towards the room. In fear of getting caught Johnny quickly hides in his parents closet.
Peeking through a crack in the closet door Johnny sees his mother making love to someone, who isn't his father. He is obviously shocked by this, but does not say anything in fear of getting caught.
However, not five minutes later, his fathers car pulls into the driveway. Johnny's mother frantically pushes her lover into the closet, without realizing Johnny is inside, whispering "I'll distract him, and you can leave".
The man is standing, half naked in the closet, without knowing Johnny is also inside. So Johnny decides to break the silence by saying "Boy it's dark in here!"
The man gets a massive shock, but regains his cool, saying "Yes, I suppose it is."
Johnny look at him and says "I have some football boots. I'll sell them to you for $500."
The man laughs and says "You've got to be joking, why on Earth would I buy them for that much?"
"Well my dad's right out there. I could shout for him, and then he'll kick your ass."
So the man sighs and reluctantly grabs his wallet from his pants, giving Johnny the $500 in exchange for the boots.
Well as the fates would have it, the exact same thing happened a week later.
So after the man was shoved into the closet, Johnny said " Boy, it's dark in here!"
The man grimaces and says "Okay what do you want this time?"
"$1000. For my football."
So the man pays Johnny, and eventually sneaks out.
That weekend Johnny's dad says to him, "Go grab your football gear, and we'll do some practice."
But Johnny says, "Sorry dad but I sold them to a mate of mine"
"Oh really? How much did you get out of it?"
"$1500!" Johnny said proudly.
His dad was furious however. "$1500!! You sold your old gear to a friend of yours for that much!! I'm going to take you to Church right now, and your going to repent for your greed!"
So Johnny heads off to Church, and is lead to a confession box to repent for his sins. But Johnny doesn't know what to say, so after a brief awkward silence he says,
"Boy it's dark in here!"
and the priest replies,
"Cut that shit out you little prick! You're in my closet now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59a435/long_johnny_comes_home_from_school_early/
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A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had sex with the most times".
The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59a12s/a_man_goes_up_to_heaven_and_is_being_shown_around/
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What do you call a pregnant stewardess?

Pilot error

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59a0wr/what_do_you_call_a_pregnant_stewardess/
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It's hard to think about my wife, who passed away during delivery

Tip: Never, *EVER* go with a mail-order Russian bride who arrives by ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59a0by/its_hard_to_think_about_my_wife_who_passed_away/
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A girl wanted to attract the attention of her crush in school, James.

So the next day she came to school wearing heavily ostentatious makeup, attractive clothing barely close to the school's dress code, and is now making way towards James, who's talking to his friend Johnny.
"Hey guys", she addressed them.
As James looked towards her face, her clothes, his ears, cheeks, his whole face went red.
Thinking for what seemed an eternity, James awkwardly turned around, and walked away briskly.
"Tee hee. What happened to him? ", said the girl, grinning.
Johnny replied, "Oh it's nothing. He has a fear of clowns, that's all".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/599wjr/a_girl_wanted_to_attract_the_attention_of_her/
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On average, an American man will have sex

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/599vt1/on_average_an_american_man_will_have_sex/
%
A young boy walks into the bathroom to find his mother peeing

He notices her differences in anatomy and asks her about it. Wanting to be delicate, she replies "that's where God hits women with a golden axe, so we can have children."
with a rather disgusted look the kid says "well Jesus, mom, he hit you right in the cunt."
[Told to me by an elderly drunk gentleman while working in his home]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/599umv/a_young_boy_walks_into_the_bathroom_to_find_his/
%
My wife is a sex object

I ask for sex, she objects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/599rfe/my_wife_is_a_sex_object/
%
How to avoid clickbait. Rule 1: Don't click on this.

Rule 2: You are all hopeless idiots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/599ilv/how_to_avoid_clickbait_rule_1_dont_click_on_this/
%
My girlfriend complained that I never listen to her.

At least that's what I think she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/599ikj/my_girlfriend_complained_that_i_never_listen_to/
%
Why Can't Dinosaurs Clap

.
Because They're Dead. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/599ept/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap/
%
The only girl who ever texts me...

Is Amber Alert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/599ehe/the_only_girl_who_ever_texts_me/
%
when I talk about computers

I make my motherboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/599e4x/when_i_talk_about_computers/
%
How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100?

On their fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/599awj/how_do_kids_from_chernobyl_count_to_a_100/
%
A girl from the office is trying to get me fired for

sexual harassment because I've been giving her "inappropriate massages during work"
I said, Good luck sweetheart. I don't even work here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5996ho/a_girl_from_the_office_is_trying_to_get_me_fired/
%
What's even more impressive than a talking dog ?

A spelling bee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5995c4/whats_even_more_impressive_than_a_talking_dog/
%
A boy breaks his arm and his dad takes him to the hospital.

The son gets a cast and heals up just fine after several weeks. He goes up to his father after he gets his cast off and says, "Dad, I'm healed!"
"Hi Healed, I'm Dad."
The son laughs and thinks his dad is the funniest ever.
A year later, the boy falls on his face and chips a tooth. Dad calls the dentist and tells his son, "You have an appointment tomorrow."
"What time?" Asks the son.
"Tooth-hurty," says Dad.
The boy just rolls his eyes at his dad.
A few years later, the boy is playing in a football game with his dad cheering on the sidelines. All of a sudden, the boy starts speaking incoherently and acting disoriented. Dad rushes over and the coach informs him, "I think your son is having a stroke."
"Don't worry, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home."
"Why is that?" asked the coach.
"It's all in his head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5993wu/a_boy_breaks_his_arm_and_his_dad_takes_him_to_the/
%
What is Harry Potters favourite way to get down a hill?

Walking.
Jk. Rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59939v/what_is_harry_potters_favourite_way_to_get_down_a/
%
What's the difference between your wife and your job?

Your job sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5991nn/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
%
What do you call a 6 year old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598zmn/what_do_you_call_a_6_year_old_with_no_friends/
%
The next time you make fun of a ginger, put yourself in their shoes.

You'll know how bad it hurts to not have a sole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598yo4/the_next_time_you_make_fun_of_a_ginger_put/
%
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I yelled at him, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598yjw/once_i_saw_this_guy_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
%
What's the difference between pink and purple?

The grip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598wrl/whats_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
%
I called an old friend and asked how he's been.

He said "living the dream." I told him, hey good to hear.
Turned out he just has dissociative identity disorder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598wd3/i_called_an_old_friend_and_asked_how_hes_been/
%
Walked in on my Dad chopping up Onions and I started to cry

Onions was a good dog..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598u3z/walked_in_on_my_dad_chopping_up_onions_and_i/
%
Did you know Jesus had a Ford

That's why he walked everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598sje/did_you_know_jesus_had_a_ford/
%
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598rkk/teach_a_man_to_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_lifetime/
%
What is red and bad for your teeth?

Bricks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598p99/what_is_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
A man in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds...

Poor bastard..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598ong/a_man_in_new_york_gets_stabbed_every_52_seconds/
%
What's worse than beating a dead horse?

Shooting a live gorilla

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598naf/whats_worse_than_beating_a_dead_horse/
%
What do you call a lesbian spy?

Lesbianage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598n23/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_spy/
%
Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope.

That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598lc4/whenever_i_go_out_i_always_wear_a_stethoscope/
%
Two lying, click-bait advertisers walk into a bar.

You'll never believe what happens next!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598ktq/two_lying_clickbait_advertisers_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A woman walks into the bank with a giant glass jar filled with coins.

Impressed, the teller exclaims "Oh, my! Did your horde all this yourself?"
The woman replied and said, no my sister whored for half of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598ihq/a_woman_walks_into_the_bank_with_a_giant_glass/
%
What's the difference between an outlaw, and an inlaw?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598ht1/whats_the_difference_between_an_outlaw_and_an/
%
Why couldn't the drunk make it as a lawyer?

He couldn't pass the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598hn6/why_couldnt_the_drunk_make_it_as_a_lawyer/
%
My boyfriend is the best cook

With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598dd8/my_boyfriend_is_the_best_cook/
%
Kid: But dad I don't want to go to Australia.

Dad: Shut and keep digging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598d70/kid_but_dad_i_dont_want_to_go_to_australia/
%
Halloween election

Year 2026: "Dad, tell me a spooky halloween story."
"Once upon a time there was an old man who wore a jack-o-lantern over his head so he would always be frowning to express that he never made enough money to satisfy his greed.  Everyone made jokes about how he looked like an orange smurf with fake hair. He did not care. He liked the color orange bigly.
One day he was attending a golf match and noticed a beautiful woman at the clubhouse. He cornered her, pressed his lips against hers, and touched her private parts without even saying hello.  She pushed him away screaming and he returned to his game of golf.  Later he noticed that his golf club seemed to feel a bit larger. Peering through his jack-o-lantern he noticed that his hands actually appeared to be a little smaller. He shrugged it off and continued on with the golf match.
A week later he was admiring his jack-o-lantern in the mirrored finish of an elevator while ascending a huge highrise. A different woman boarded the elevator and he thought "I am a very powerful man, I am famous, I can do anything." He tried to press his lips against hers, and grabber her private parts. She screamed and ran out of the elevator.
Later that evening as he shook hands with a business partner he noticed that his hand felt like it was being painfully crushed. He dashed into the bathroom and took off the jack-o-lantern and stared closely at his even smaller hands and screamed into the mirror, "Oh my god. My hands are even smaller!!"
Each time he kissed or grabbed a woman without her permission his hands increasingly shrunk. Eventually he had no hands. His arms wore down to stubs so short that he could not even take off his jack-o-lantern anymore.
The media had been ignoring him for a while. He was not the star that he once was.  The media were now talking about many other people who made much more money than him, and about people who did good things for the poor and unhealthy. He became increasingly desperate for attention, and tossed and turned every night thinking, "How could this be happening to me? Nobody talks about how rich and powerful I am anymore!" ...
"And then what happened, dad??"
"He ran for president."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/598d0c/halloween_election/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee...

In an airtight bag in the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5989l4/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
How does Donald Trump keep a handle on integral equations?

He grabs them by the +c.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5988h4/how_does_donald_trump_keep_a_handle_on_integral/
%
Mommy mommy why do I keep running around in circles?

"Shut up kid or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."
In the 80s, my mother thought this was hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5986vc/mommy_mommy_why_do_i_keep_running_around_in/
%
The lead singer of Dead Or Alive has died.

Guess that answers *that* question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5984uf/the_lead_singer_of_dead_or_alive_has_died/
%
What’s the difference between Trump and a stripper?

Strippers climb polls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59800w/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_a_stripper/
%
Did you hear about the 2 guys who stole a calendar

They each got 6 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/597zvg/did_you_hear_about_the_2_guys_who_stole_a_calendar/
%
Why do black people have nightmares?

The cops killed the ones that had a dream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/597ynm/why_do_black_people_have_nightmares/
%
How does a flight of steps check out a woman?

It stares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/597xi7/how_does_a_flight_of_steps_check_out_a_woman/
%
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/597wov/a_man_woke_up_in_a_hospital_after_a_serious/
%
My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:

“What did the ant say to the other ant?”
“I dunno, what?”
“Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”
“Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.”
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/597vtj/my_eight_year_old_nephew_said_he_had_a_joke/
%
Three sisters died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St Peter warns them, 'There is only one rule in heaven: you must not step on any of the ducks.' And he sent them on their merry way.
Upon entering, the three sisters notice that the grounds are riddled with ducks waddling about. Remembering the rule, they stepped carefully.
However, it was a mere 3 days in before the eldest sister steps on a duck. The second she does so, an angel appeared with a ugly man. The ugly man is chained to the first sister and the angel leaves.
Horrified, the other two sister moved even more carefully. But, in 3 months, the second sister stepped on a duck. Once again, an angel appeared. This time, with an unbelievably ugly man. The man is chained to the sister before the angel leaves.
The youngest sister now avoided the ducks with all her power. It wasn't until 3 years later that she stepped on a duck. This time, an angel appeared with the most handsome man she has ever laid her eyes upon. Stunned, she asks, 'What happened?'
To which the man replied, 'I don't know, I just stepped on a duck!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/597ouz/three_sisters_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
Apparently there are midget prostitutes in Thailand who cost less than a dollar.

Clearly they're selling themselves short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/597k23/apparently_there_are_midget_prostitutes_in/
%
Why does Dr Pepper come in bottles?

So his wife won't get pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/597dzh/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_bottles/
%
What do you call a broken fisherman's calculator.

Something fishy that doesn't quite add up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/597c6y/what_do_you_call_a_broken_fishermans_calculator/
%
I just told a cow that he's being watched.

I always like to make beef stew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/597bjk/i_just_told_a_cow_that_hes_being_watched/
%
Ugly nurse and hot nurse talking about the male patient in room 3....

The ugly nurse says: "you'll never guess what I saw when I changed his bedpan. He has a tattoo on his penis that says 'Swan' ."
The hot nurse goes in to check it out and returns 5 minutes later saying: "You're right about the tattoo..... but it says "*Saskatchewan*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/597a0e/ugly_nurse_and_hot_nurse_talking_about_the_male/
%
Thank you for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5978ma/thank_you_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
%
Did you hear about the flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage?

It was a murder most foul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5978is/did_you_hear_about_the_flock_of_crows_that_were/
%
Two boys are having a competition.

They have made a bet to see who could fart the hardest. To settle the bet, they have a pan filled with flour and leveled. Whoever can displace the most flour wins.
The first boy crouches over the pan and lets one rip. When the flour settles, they see the pan has only half the flour as it did to begin with.
"I can do better than that." Said the second boy.
They refill the pan and level the top.
The second boy crouches over the pan and lets a mighty one go. Only 1/4 of the flour remains.
The neighbor girl who has been watching curiously walks over and asks what the boys are doing. They explain their friendly game and to their surprise, she says "That's nothing. I can do better than either of you two."
Well, the two boys fill the pan with flour and level it. Certainly this girl has nothing to bring to the table.
She crouches over the pan and lets one rip. When the flour settles, there isn't a single bit left in the pan.
The boys are taken aback! The first one asks "how in the world were you able to beat us at our own game?!"
The second boy lifts up the girls skirt to take a peek and yells
"Just what I thought! Double barrels!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5978a8/two_boys_are_having_a_competition/
%
I feel sorry for Justin Bieber.

He's had to go to every Justin Bieber concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59785b/i_feel_sorry_for_justin_bieber/
%
What do you call it when people want to have sex while camping?

Intense intents in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5977ab/what_do_you_call_it_when_people_want_to_have_sex/
%
I was fed up with life and tried hanging myself from the side of a cliff, but I failed.

Now I'm just a cliffhanger and the suspense is killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5976fu/i_was_fed_up_with_life_and_tried_hanging_myself/
%
Why did the Native American undergo cellular respiration?

To make A TP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59763f/why_did_the_native_american_undergo_cellular/
%
My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5973xt/my_friends_dog_died_the_other_day_so_i_surprised/
%
"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5973qb/daddy_how_do_stars_die/
%
On The Walking Dead, Glenn said "I will find you."

I guess he's gonna keep an eye out for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5971xt/on_the_walking_dead_glenn_said_i_will_find_you/
%
I think it's kinda gross to have sex in bed

After all it's where I eat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5971t5/i_think_its_kinda_gross_to_have_sex_in_bed/
%
The Browns' New QB

The head coach of the Browns is looking for a new QB when he sees news footage of a man in Afghanistan.
This man is fighting the Taliban and in the space of a few seconds, the coach sees him burst through a wooden barricade, knock down 10 armed soldiers, run 100 yards in 10 seconds, pick up a grenade laying on the ground, and throw it through an open window of an armored vehicle driving 75 yards away at 60 miles an hour, blowing it up and saving his village.
The coach gets on a flight and signs the guy to be the new Browns quarterback. After re-writing the NFL record book, he leads the Browns to victory in the Super Bowl!
The jubilant QB calls his mother and says "Mother, we won the Super Bowl! Did you see?"
His mother spits at him, "Don't you talk to me. You are dead to me!"
Confused, the QB asks, "But why?"
His mother replies, "You left us here! Your father caught a disease and was in the hospital on life support, and the corrupt government let the power to the hospital be turned off and he died. Your sister was kidnapped by a gang off the streets and we fear she is dead, or worse. There was no fresh water to the house so your brother went down to the lake to get water, and he was horribly burned because the lake caught on fire!"
She hisses, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Cleveland."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5971pp/the_browns_new_qb/
%
Who's that woman with Jim?

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big french kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks
away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want
a divorce!"
I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in
the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5971mn/whos_that_woman_with_jim/
%
The round of her dreams (NSFW)

Jeff plays golf with his brother, his son, and his dad every Saturday. His brother has to back out one day and so they are asked if they would mind picking up a single player. They say it's fine. As they are stepping onto the first tee a gorgeous blonde walks out and says she's their 4th. As they are about to get started she says to them, "guys I have been playing golf for a long time and I know my game pretty well. Please don't offer me any advice as I am comfortable with how I am playing. "No problem" they respond. As they are going she is playing amazingly well, certainly beating them easily. She is getting more and more excited as the round continues. When she hits her approach shot onto the 18th green she walks up to them and says, "This is the best round of my life. If I make this putt I will break par for the first time ever." They congratulate her and she responds, "Whoever gives me the best advice on how to make this putt will get a blowjob from me after the round." They are stunned but start lining it up and looking at it from several directions. The son goes first, "Well it's a 20 foot putt but it's mostly downhill so you won't have to hit it too hard. Follow the break from the water and it will go right in" Up next is the Jeff, "No no no. The water will not affect it since it rained last night. It will be slower because of that and the break will have evened out. You will have to hit it pretty well though to make up for that." She thanks him and then looks at Jeff's dad. He spends several more minutes walking the green and thinking. Finally he replies "Fuck it, pick it up. Looks like a gimme to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/596w2y/the_round_of_her_dreams_nsfw/
%
Why can't you run through a campground?

You need to RAN through a campground because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/596uj5/why_cant_you_run_through_a_campground/
%
How to avoid clickbait

Not like this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/596t4y/how_to_avoid_clickbait/
%
The New Priest Drinks Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
*Sip the vodka; don't gulp.*
*There are 10 commandments, not 12.*
*There are 12 disciples, not 10.*
*Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.*
*Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."*
*We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.*
*The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.*
*David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.*
*When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.*
*We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."*
*When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."*
*The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."*
*The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."*
*There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/596o5b/the_new_priest_drinks_vodka/
%
My 3 year old just got me with this one...

3 yo: Can I please have a mystery?
Me: What is that?
3 yo: I don't know, it's a mystery (laughs hysterically)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/596nq8/my_3_year_old_just_got_me_with_this_one/
%
Kinder

No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/596kvt/kinder/
%
My wife said that our son feels neglected.

I didn't even know we had a son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/596j58/my_wife_said_that_our_son_feels_neglected/
%
Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election.

If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/596i1t/millions_of_children_are_being_inspired_by_seeing/
%
They don't make forks like they used to.

Modern plastic ware makes me miss the good old tines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/596i10/they_dont_make_forks_like_they_used_to/
%
A traveling salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door.

A 10 year old boy answers the door in a dress and bra with a cigar in one hand and whiskey in the other. The traveling salesman asks, "Excuse me, are your parents home?"
The boy responds, "What the fuck do you think??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/596hut/a_traveling_salesman_walks_up_to_a_house_and/
%
I'm so in debt

I could start a government

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/596f25/im_so_in_debt/
%
TIL Trampolines were originally called Jumpolines..

..until your mom jumped on one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/596bc9/til_trampolines_were_originally_called_jumpolines/
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I was just caught masturbating while asphyxiating myself.

Boy, am I red in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/596783/i_was_just_caught_masturbating_while_asphyxiating/
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What's the difference between an Ethiopian elevator sign and an British elevator sign?

British sign says " Maximum 6 People/500kg"
Ethiopian sign says "Maximum 500 People/6kg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5966oq/whats_the_difference_between_an_ethiopian/
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What's he difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

.. you can't hear an enzyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5965yu/whats_he_difference_between_a_hormone_and_an/
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Enough with the gay jokes.

Come on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5965c0/enough_with_the_gay_jokes/
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I was trying to find some spare RAM sticks in our stock room but I couldn't see any...

Because it was SO-DIMM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59650v/i_was_trying_to_find_some_spare_ram_sticks_in_our/
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How does a Ethiopian show that they are rich?

They wear a rolex watch around their waist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5964vb/how_does_a_ethiopian_show_that_they_are_rich/
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I'm an expert at dating

After all, I work in the calendar factory 12 hours a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5961pd/im_an_expert_at_dating/
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Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/595xpb/kid_mom_am_i_ugly/
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How does Moses make his coffee?

He brews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/595x3p/how_does_moses_make_his_coffee/
%
Domestic violence jokes are in bad taste.

They hit too close to home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/595pc0/domestic_violence_jokes_are_in_bad_taste/
%
A man with one arm fell into a river...

A man with one arm fell into a river from a bridge and he walked out with a new arm. The story was quickly spread throughout the village so people wanted to try themselves.
A man without a leg jumped into the river and walked out with a new leg, a man without arms or legs was tossed in and walked out with new arms and legs, a man rolled in with a wheelchair and rolled out with a brand new wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/595oc9/a_man_with_one_arm_fell_into_a_river/
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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/595n45/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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"We don't serve faster than light neutrinos in here", said the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/595ljl/we_dont_serve_faster_than_light_neutrinos_in_here/
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Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery...

Donald and Hillary go into a bakery while on the campaign trail. As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to The Donald: “See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything, and I don't even need to lie. I will definitely win the election”.
The Donald says to Hillary: "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life – it’s all trickery and deceit. Now I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says: "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump eats it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that one too!
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks: "What did you do with the pastries?"
Trump replies: "Look in Hillary's pocket"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/595ics/donald_and_hillary_go_into_a_bakery/
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I accidentally called Nike instead of the suicide hotline

They said just do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/595i0d/i_accidentally_called_nike_instead_of_the_suicide/
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Why did barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/595cuq/why_did_barbie_never_get_pregnant/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather...

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/595br5/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_just_like_my/
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I've just been refused entry to the National Alzheimer's conference.

"Do you know who I am?" I shouted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/595agg/ive_just_been_refused_entry_to_the_national/
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A little boy told his mom that he wants to be like Donald trump when he grows up

Mom: Well pick one, you cant be both

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/595a7q/a_little_boy_told_his_mom_that_he_wants_to_be/
%
A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5959wz/a_man_is_talking_to_god/
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What did the Indian guy say to his mother before he left for his nearest city?

"Mumbai"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5955is/what_did_the_indian_guy_say_to_his_mother_before/
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How Can You Tell Your Girlfriend Is Getting Fat?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59541p/how_can_you_tell_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
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What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5953vj/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_and_finding/
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Why did the horny furry get arrested?

Because he was a sexual predator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594xh8/why_did_the_horny_furry_get_arrested/
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The General telephones the Canadian Armed Forces Department:

'Hello. This is the Canadian Armed forces department.'
'Hello. We need 12 vehicles for the parade system, two of them must be limousines.'
'What are the limousines for? To haul those fat-slob generals I bet.'
'Soldier, do you know who is speaking?'
'No, I don't.'
'This is General Walker at this end.'
'Do you know who you are speaking to Sir?'
'No, I don't.'
'Well, see you around then...fatso '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594v05/the_general_telephones_the_canadian_armed_forces/
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Friendly Competition

my girlfriend and i often laugh about how competitive we are.
but i laugh more :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594sjt/friendly_competition/
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I go to the gym religiously

Christmas, and maybe Easter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594pua/i_go_to_the_gym_religiously/
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My sausage-addicted friend died in a car crash.

Apparently, he took a turn for the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594ooa/my_sausageaddicted_friend_died_in_a_car_crash/
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I bought 37 self-help books today...

I just couldn't help myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594o5x/i_bought_37_selfhelp_books_today/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves you behind and never comes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594n8i/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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There was a devastating fire in my shoe shop.

So many lost Soles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594mqr/there_was_a_devastating_fire_in_my_shoe_shop/
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Walking down the line, a sergeant stopped in front of each soldier, whacked him on the chest, and barked, “Did that hurt, soldier?”

“No, sir!” each replied.
“Why not?” yelled the sergeant.
“Because I’m a United States Marine, sir!” came the reply.
Continuing on, the sergeant saw a huge penis sticking out of the line and proceeded to whack it with his baton. “Did that hurt, soldier?” he boomed.
“No, sir,” answered the private.
“And why not?”
“Because it belongs to the guy behind me, sir!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594lgj/walking_down_the_line_a_sergeant_stopped_in_front/
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What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with?

Thyme management

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594h9w/what_basic_skill_do_herb_farmers_always_struggle/
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Patty the Irishman was drinking at his favorite watering hole...

When George the bartender looked up, "Patty it's closing time, get yer ass home Elaine is going to have your head!"
"Oh I know, I know."
Patty got up, and immediately fell down. He crawled to the door, pulled himself up on the handle and fell through the door to the sidewalk outside. He made it to a parking meter and pulled himself up again, the whole way home Patty kept falling and getting back up. He finally made it home, he opened the door and fell on the steps leading upstairs, so he decided to crawl up them, and as quietly as he could crawl into bead with his poor wife Elaine.
The next morning Patty woke up to a slap across the face, "Patty O'Doyle! You went out drinking last night didn't you?!"
"No Elaine, I swear on me stars! No drinking, not a drop!"
"Then explain why George called this morning asking when I was gonna come pick up your wheelchair?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594h7d/patty_the_irishman_was_drinking_at_his_favorite/
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What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594fsp/whats_the_difference_between_john_wayne_and_jack/
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A man moved into a retirement home...

An elderly man decided it was time to move on. He packed his stuff and moved into a retirement home.
On his first day there, as he was unpacking his stuff into his room, he could help but notice that the woman in the room across the hall was staring at him. He thought it was odd but decided not to let it bother him.
Later that night, he went to the cafeteria to get dinner. He sat down at his table and, lo and behold, the woman from the hallway was sitting at the table next to him! There was no food on her table. She just sat there staring at him with fixed eyes. The man grew increasingly annoyed but didn't say anything.
After a scrumptious meal, he went to the lunge to play nightly bingo. He was enjoying the game until he noticed the woman again, staring at him. He had had enough.
He went up to her and said, "Ma'am, I couldn't help noticing that you have been staring at me ever since I arrived. Could you please stop, it is a bit bothersome."
She replied, "I am sorry, it is just that you look so much like my third husband!"
The man felt bad. "I'm sorry. If you don't mind me asking, how many husbands have you had?"
"Two." Was the woman's reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594ep1/a_man_moved_into_a_retirement_home/
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Today, I saw a painting unveiled at a museum, but it was merely a red dot on canvas.

It must have been a period piece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594e37/today_i_saw_a_painting_unveiled_at_a_museum_but/
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Will I have an open casket at my funeral?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594d1s/will_i_have_an_open_casket_at_my_funeral/
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We came, we saw...

And we were told to get out of the girls' locker room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594a2m/we_came_we_saw/
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Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5947xu/is_your_refrigerator_running/
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I only know 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5947eb/i_only_know_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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Read this one online a while back

An engineer dies and goes to hell. At first, he's reluctant to come to terms with where he is.
The devil sees him, and says" Cheer up, hell isn't so bad. I'll prove it, you can have the best room in the house."
The engineer happily accepts and is led to something that looks like it was built in a third world country. The devil leaves the disappointed engineer there for a while, and leaves that part of hell.
When he returns, he is astonished to find that the engineer has built a plumbing system, transportation infrastructure, and many other parts of the modern era. Hell starts to not be so bad.
God notices this, and he says, "Lucifer, how did you get an engineer, those are supposed to go to heaven?"
Lucifer says," I guess my demons made it to him before your angels did."
God: " Well it doesn't matter, send him up here or I'll sue you."
Lucifer: " Where are *you* going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59451a/read_this_one_online_a_while_back/
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What is Glenn's (The Walking Dead) favorite restaurant? ***SPOILERS***

Popeyes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/594478/what_is_glenns_the_walking_dead_favorite/
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if a plumber's career can go down the drain...

And a fireman's job can go up in smoke, can a hooker get laid off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5941yr/if_a_plumbers_career_can_go_down_the_drain/
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Why is it easy to arrange for private yoga classes with a teacher?

They are flexible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5941qw/why_is_it_easy_to_arrange_for_private_yoga/
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Beggar and Man

Beggar - Give me food.
Man - I'll give u Scotch.
Beggar - I don't drink.
Man - I will give u cigarette.
Beggar - I don't smoke.
Man - I will take u to d races.
Beggar - I don't gamble.
Man - I will get u a girlfriend.
Beggar - No, I love only my wife.
Man - I'll give u food, but first u have to come to my house.
Beggar - Why?
Man - My wife should see and learn what happens to a person who doesn't drink, smoke, gamble and only loves his wife..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5940z4/beggar_and_man/
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Why did..

Q : Why did Manchester United go to Stamford Bridge?
A : Four Nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593z34/why_did/
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A woman walks up to a guy in blue swimming trunks and says, "Your eyes match your swim trunks!"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593z0y/a_woman_walks_up_to_a_guy_in_blue_swimming_trunks/
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(Nsfw) How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate their tits a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593yl1/nsfw_how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
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Did you know that 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile?

Not me though, I live next to a 10 year old girl with a fat ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593vu8/did_you_know_that_1_in_10_people_live_next_door/
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A man has to kill to add 20 years into his life. But at a price...

I've made a deal with _Death_. When I "died" death came up to me and said
"Congratulations! You're the 100th billion person to die! You can choose to live on in heaven OR choose to live forever back on Earth! As long as you kill a person, that person will give you 20 more years to live! But with a cost..."
Of course I had to choose the latter. I still had a lot to live for. I've made a decision that when I reached 30 I have to act so that my looks stay the same. I've been doing this for about 80 years now. This is my 4th target.
I know this is bad... I know. But I've always picked those who have nothing to live for. Homeless depressed people, those without family and the old age etc.
No one will miss them. I'm sure of it, this is why I make background checks before doing anything.
I can't really say why... it's an addiction. Not the killing... but staying alive. To know that I can live past anything makes me want to keep going, no matter the cost.
It was the night before Christmas and my target this time is a man by the name of Albert Kane. 10 years ago, he was once a respected construction foreman just trying to make his family live good lives. He has lost his five year old daughter and wife in a car accident. His life went downhill from there. Excessive drinking, drugs, multiple arrests. Then he lost his job, his credibility, and his home. All he had left was the shirt on his back and a backpack.
I hosted a Christmas party for the homeless at the community centre. Its the least I can do for what I'm about to do to this poor man. I'll let the others and him enjoy themselves. Good food, drinks, even a gaming centre I organised at the back! Then when Albert is drunk enough I'll bring him back into the alley and do my "business".
--------------
Finally I got him into the alley while he was drunk. I didn't use anything sharp, or anything blunt, or even a gun. I just gave him a spiked drink and all I had to do was wait.
I helped him down as the poison took effect. The poison was working fine. It made him sleepy real easily and after a few mins he _slept_, for good.
"May you rest in peace with your family."
Now I have to wait for _Death_. I saw his backpack and took a peak in it.
Not much but one thing I saw was a book, an album. It was his family album. Almost all of the pictures seemed missing but there were 5 that were still kept.
Here's one with him and his wife taking their wedding vows.
Another one on their honeymoon in France (The Eiffel tower was right behind them).
Seems like this one was taken before his pregnant wife was admitted to the ER. And another one of his new born baby daughter in the hospital room.
This last one seemed a bit weary in its condition. It was him and his daughter on site at his job, he was taking her on a ride in one of the construction diggers and it seemed like she was laughing and enjoying it... Suddenly I hear a familiar voice behind me.
"Hey bud. I'm here." It was _Death_.
Even though I've already seen him 3 times I still can't get used to him.
"So this is the guy huh?"
"Ya... will he be okay?"
"He will. I know he's due to heaven and I am here to help him move on. And I'm sure his family will be happy seeing him again. But that's half the reason of why I'm here. So... the _cost_. You have it ready?"
"Yup."
"Alright then. That will be __$3.50__." As Death takes the bill and change they disappear into a cloud of smoke on his hands. "The payment has been given. See you in 20 years!"
"Alright. See you Death!"
Now time to live another 20 years more!
__THE END__

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593v2x/a_man_has_to_kill_to_add_20_years_into_his_life/
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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593t21/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
%
Why are Ethiopian's teeth so white?

Because they never use them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593sl5/why_are_ethiopians_teeth_so_white/
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I just had the worst blowjob ever

it was fantastic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593oz4/i_just_had_the_worst_blowjob_ever/
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My town's population never changes

Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593olo/my_towns_population_never_changes/
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What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593ike/what_kind_of_shorts_do_clouds_wear/
%
My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593ijs/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
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The Mystery of the Pink Ping Pong Balls.

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, "Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?"
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, "Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball."
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, "If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have."
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
"Father," replied the son, "I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls."
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, "If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have."
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
"Father," said the son to this, "I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls."
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. "A carton of pink ping pong balls?"
"A carton of pink ping pong balls," the boy confirmed.
"I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls," said the father, "but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have."
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
"Dear son," said the father, "I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?"
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. "Please humour me, dear father."
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
"Dearest father," the son started, "I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls."
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
"Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible."
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
"Father," the son said, "You've made me very happy yet again."
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. "My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?"
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. "Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls."
The father held his son's hand tightly. "Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls."
"Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls."
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
"Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls."
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
"Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls," the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
"I-" the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
"I- I-"
Then he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593hht/the_mystery_of_the_pink_ping_pong_balls/
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There were three men who were lost in the forest.

They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
~Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593g9w/there_were_three_men_who_were_lost_in_the_forest/
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"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime."

"Was it something I said?" Asks the son.
"Yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593ftd/son_i_dont_think_youre_cut_out_to_be_a_mime/
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Where do weeaboos holiday?

Kawaii

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593edx/where_do_weeaboos_holiday/
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What do you call an Aboriginal in a lamp?

And Abori-genie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5939zj/what_do_you_call_an_aboriginal_in_a_lamp/
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Why is it so difficult to call Chinese people?

There's so many wings it's easy to wing the wong number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5939xx/why_is_it_so_difficult_to_call_chinese_people/
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I once had a math test in an elevator...

I was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5939e1/i_once_had_a_math_test_in_an_elevator/
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

They weren't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5938sm/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_baby/
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Why are Jews and the Amish so similar?

Neither like cooking with gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5937mz/why_are_jews_and_the_amish_so_similar/
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I'm trying to invent a belt made of clocks

But my friends keep telling me it's a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5937kp/im_trying_to_invent_a_belt_made_of_clocks/
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My wife said i couldnt make a car out of spaghetti...

should have seen her face when i drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59377e/my_wife_said_i_couldnt_make_a_car_out_of_spaghetti/
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The problem with political jokes is..

They get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5936b5/the_problem_with_political_jokes_is/
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You won't believe how these like-minded high schoolers are luring new student victims!

Clique Bait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5932yc/you_wont_believe_how_these_likeminded_high/
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What's the best thing about being a meth head?

1 sleep until Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5932qs/whats_the_best_thing_about_being_a_meth_head/
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A guy starts his new job as a bartender...

Bar owner: 'Ok at 5pm factory workers from next door, who're all deaf/mute btw, fill this place up. It's simple tho. If they give you two thumbs up? They want whiskey. Two thumbs down? Beer. That's all you need to know.'
At 5 they come storming in with thumbs going up & down- whiskey beer, whiskey beer, whiskey beer- & all's well. A couple hours go by & the owner says, 'Ok, you're doing a great job. I'll be in the back taking a nap. Wake me if there's a problem, ok?'
A couple more hours go by smoothly- whiskey beer, whiskey beer, whiskey beer- until a guy comes to the bar & starts opening & closing his hand, similar to an alligator biting. Others start doing the same, more join in, until the entire bar is opening & closing their hands. The bartender rushes to the back & wakes up the owner:
"Wtf man? All you told me was thumbs up, whiskey. Thumbs down, beer."
'So?'
'So? The entire bar is opening & closing their hands in some biting motion. What the hell?'
'Ahhhhh shit! They're starting to sing, now we're *never* gonna get outta here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/593178/a_guy_starts_his_new_job_as_a_bartender/
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A girl and her sugar daddy are in bed and she's about to orgasm...

"Daddy I'm cumming!"
"Hi Cumming, I'm dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592z05/a_girl_and_her_sugar_daddy_are_in_bed_and_shes/
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I buy all of my guns from a guy named T-rex

He's a small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592xjn/i_buy_all_of_my_guns_from_a_guy_named_trex/
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What happened to the guy who cooled himself to -273.15˚C?

He was 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592wsg/what_happened_to_the_guy_who_cooled_himself_to/
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I invented a new word!

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592wp5/i_invented_a_new_word/
%
There once was a farmer with three daughters who were all going out on their first date at the same time.

The farmer, being protective over his daughters, decided to meet their dates at the door with his shotgun.
The doorbell rang, and the farmer answered the door.
He was met with a boy, who said:
"Hi! My name's Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to the show.
Is she ready to go?"
The farmer looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next boy arrived:
"My name's Eddy,
I'm here for Betty.
We're gonna get some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The farmer felt that this one was okey too, so he sent them on their way.
The final date arrived, the farmer opened the door:
"Hi, my name is Chuck."
And the farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592uqo/there_once_was_a_farmer_with_three_daughters_who/
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I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?”

So I called the number and said that I didn’t. I like to help people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592sga/i_saw_a_poster_today_somebody_was_asking_have_you/
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What do they do with rope in space?

Tie Astro-knots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592oia/what_do_they_do_with_rope_in_space/
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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge:

This isn't working, I'm going to my mums house. I opened the fridge door and the light came on and the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592lf6/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_fridge/
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Sex with Ghost

A professor at the University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, a young Arab student raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Arab student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, dear, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghost?'
The student replied, "Wallah Habibi, from back there I thought you said "Goats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592iwb/sex_with_ghost/
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How did Jesus pay for our sins?

Pray-Pal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592hup/how_did_jesus_pay_for_our_sins/
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9 Months

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592hal/9_months/
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My favorite Vampire Joke from this thread

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592h54/my_favorite_vampire_joke_from_this_thread/
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Lust. Love. Marriage.

LUST:
Tearing her panties off.
LOVE:
Sliding them down, gently.
MARRIAGE:
Folding them regularly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592geh/lust_love_marriage/
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I've been messing about with my ouija board and i asked it if i was gonna get laid tonight.

The pointer keeps gliding between the H and the A. It's been half an hour now....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592emv/ive_been_messing_about_with_my_ouija_board_and_i/
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I just want to give a shoutout to the ancients for inventing the calendar.

It has made my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592d69/i_just_want_to_give_a_shoutout_to_the_ancients/
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The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Craig, did the police come?” “Yep.” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Sure did, Eric. Thanks!” “Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/592alq/the_phone_rings_at_the_local_police_station_hello/
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I was having sex with my girlfriend...

... and I said to her, "Woman, you've got no tits and your pussy is too tight."
She grunted,"Get off my back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5927so/i_was_having_sex_with_my_girlfriend/
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want her husband to become President?

She doesn't want to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5925yr/why_doesnt_melania_trump_want_her_husband_to/
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Farted on my wallet...

Now I have gas money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5920ky/farted_on_my_wallet/
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Two lawyers are in a bar, and see a hot blonde sitting alone

One of the lawyers looks at her and says "Boy, I'd love to fuck her."
The second lawyer looked over and responded, "out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/591yfd/two_lawyers_are_in_a_bar_and_see_a_hot_blonde/
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What do you call an electrical component that is anti-yoga

An ohm resistor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/591ycj/what_do_you_call_an_electrical_component_that_is/
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What is it called when a lumberjack masturbates?

Logging off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/591p2u/what_is_it_called_when_a_lumberjack_masturbates/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

7 did 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/591n9d/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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What kind of bees make the best milk?

Boo Bees!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/591mhr/what_kind_of_bees_make_the_best_milk/
%
I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn’t reach the meat that was on the top shelf

He refused to take the bet, saying that the steaks were too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/591lu2/i_bet_the_butcher_the_other_day_that_he_couldnt/
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What's the difference between a hoedown and a hootenanny?

One's when your prostitute falls on the floor, and the other is when your babbysitter is making owl sounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/591li5/whats_the_difference_between_a_hoedown_and_a/
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What do you call a troupe of performing Redditors?

Cirque le Jerk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/591ibv/what_do_you_call_a_troupe_of_performing_redditors/
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Wife's having a heart attack

A man comes home after a long hard day at work, and hears some sounds coming from his bedroom.
He hurried up the stairs and sees his wife in her bed, "I think I'm having a heart attack" she says in a panicked voice. The man rushes downstairs and dials 911 and goes to tell the operator what the problem is.
His 4 year old son comes down the stairs and says "daddy, uncle joe is naked in your closet". Angrily, the man slams the phone down and hurried up the stairs, swings open the closet door and sees his brother sitting there naked. "My wife is having a heart attack, and all you do is run around my house naked scaring the kids!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/591e67/wifes_having_a_heart_attack/
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Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening...

... stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/591e26/jason_came_home_from_the_pub_late_one_friday/
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Did you hear about the porn star who wanted to do a scene with all five members of Aerosmith?

It didn't quite work out. They could only get Foreigner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/591d32/did_you_hear_about_the_porn_star_who_wanted_to_do/
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Mole joke in honor of Mole Day!

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way and he says, "Geez, all I can smell is molasses!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5919d6/mole_joke_in_honor_of_mole_day/
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I recall my first time with a condom...

I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/59152g/i_recall_my_first_time_with_a_condom/
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What do you call a snobbish criminal falling down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5910ki/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_falling_down/
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Why doesn't the KKK like Halloween?

Too many spooks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/590vff/why_doesnt_the_kkk_like_halloween/
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What's the difference between a spitter and a swallower?

10 lbs of pressure on the back of the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/590tij/whats_the_difference_between_a_spitter_and_a/
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What do Grammar Nazis support?

The Third Write

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/590tdr/what_do_grammar_nazis_support/
%
Why do elephants wear green shoes?

So they can sneak across pool tables.
Have you ever seen an elephant sneaking across a pool table?
Works, doesn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/590tbm/why_do_elephants_wear_green_shoes/
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An airplane is about to crash..

and a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/590q6p/an_airplane_is_about_to_crash/
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What is it?

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
The fat kid in my trunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/590q5v/what_is_it/
%
How do you dispose of a human body

Wait this isn't Google

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/590ppk/how_do_you_dispose_of_a_human_body/
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What do Donald Trump and the milk in my fridge have in common?

It better get thrown out by November 8 or else I'm going to get violently sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/590lpr/what_do_donald_trump_and_the_milk_in_my_fridge/
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Why are Skeleton's so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/590krh/why_are_skeletons_so_calm/
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What family history website do rednecks use?

Incestry.com

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/590gll/what_family_history_website_do_rednecks_use/
%
Why did John get divorced?

Well, last week was his birthday. His wife didn't wish him a happy birthday. His parents forgot and so did his kids. He went to work and even his colleagues didn't wish him a happy birthday. As he entered his office, his secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" He felt so special. She asked him out for lunch. After lunch, she invited him to her apartment. They went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," He said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, his wife, his parents, his kids, his friends, & his colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while John was waiting on the sofa... naked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/590g0g/why_did_john_get_divorced/
%
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/590b7r/an_old_lady_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_shes_chatting/
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My nan's star sign is cancer. It's pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5907vh/my_nans_star_sign_is_cancer_its_pretty_ironic_how/
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The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/590217/the_doctor_said_i_should_stop_eating_meat/
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A 90 year old golfer tells his wife he is quitting the game.

'But why'? asks his wife. 'Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it". The wife says 'listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect'. He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: did you see that Pete? His brother-in-law says 'yes, I saw that perfectly'. The golfer says: well, where is it then? to which he responds: I don't remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5901t9/a_90_year_old_golfer_tells_his_wife_he_is/
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I don't always tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5901o7/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
There's a hole in my sock

but atleast there's not a sock in my hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58zwxt/theres_a_hole_in_my_sock/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58zwul/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."
"Why the two dogs?"
"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58zw64/mr_trump_have_you_changed_your_plans_for_mass/
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Two childhood friends, both fanatic baseball fans, are getting old.

One day, they make a pact. Whoever dies first, has to appear in the living one's dream and tell him if baseball is a thing in heaven.
A few months pass. One of the friends suffers a heart attack and dies immediately. The next night, he appears in the other friends dream.
"I knew you'd show up, pal!" the live friend exclaims.
"I promised, didn't I?" the dead friend says. "Listen, I have good news and bad news."
"Well, tell me!" The live friend gestures impatiently.
"The good news is that baseball in heaven is fantastic! All of the greats are tossing balls, batting, and just having an amazing time. I even got to play for an inning!"
"What about the bad news?"
"You're pitching next Monday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58zup1/two_childhood_friends_both_fanatic_baseball_fans/
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Sorry, I can't listen to your vegan nonsense right now.

I have more important things at steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58zudn/sorry_i_cant_listen_to_your_vegan_nonsense_right/
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I held an orgy for my sexual dysfunction class last night.

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ztkv/i_held_an_orgy_for_my_sexual_dysfunction_class/
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I accidentally swallowed some scrabble pieces.

My next shit could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58zrm1/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_scrabble_pieces/
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My girlfriend tells me her body is a temple

Everyone's welcome, but you just have to take your shoes off before you enter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58zq7w/my_girlfriend_tells_me_her_body_is_a_temple/
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What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58zg64/whats_the_worst_part_about_breaking_up_with_a/
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What fruit can't be married by itself.

Cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58zdrf/what_fruit_cant_be_married_by_itself/
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Question

*Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
*A: He was sitting on the deck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58zbte/question/
%
Some Jimmy Carr jokes:

"Dwarves... are often overlooked. Tell you what I know about dwarves... very little. I can say that, they look up to me."
"A nurse looks at a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, 'some asshole's got my pen'."
"Spiders used to give me nightmares, so what I've done was stop eating them just before bedtime."
"I got talking to a native African girl, for hours, we just... clicked."
"My girlfriend and I just recently had a sincere conversation about pornography, and some of you may share her sentiment, she said 'I don't get porn. I've never got porn. Why would I wanna watch two people have sex?' I said, 'Two? People?You've lost me there...'"
"I don't like to spend too much time with my girlfriend's family, because her husband is getting suspicious."
Just some Jimmy Carr jokes :D (P.S.: If it isn't clear, those aren't mine. They are from the english comedian Jimmy Carr.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58zb80/some_jimmy_carr_jokes/
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What happened when Cinderella got to the ball ?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58z4sx/what_happened_when_cinderella_got_to_the_ball/
%
A guy with a gun enters a bar

"Who the fuck had sex with my wife?" he snarled.
A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58z4d2/a_guy_with_a_gun_enters_a_bar/
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I just passed by Canadian citizenship test!

I got an eh +

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58z3mx/i_just_passed_by_canadian_citizenship_test/
%
I used Apple Maps to find my girlfriend's clitoris

Ended up licking a doorknob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58z2zr/i_used_apple_maps_to_find_my_girlfriends_clitoris/
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My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick

I just get so tired of calling him David

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58z296/my_boss_hates_when_i_shorten_his_name_to_dick/
%
Why can't fashion designers play uno?

Because they always draw a cardigan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58z0bf/why_cant_fashion_designers_play_uno/
%
What is Trump's favorite animated movie?

WALL-E

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58yz0m/what_is_trumps_favorite_animated_movie/
%
I had pot brownies for the first time last week.

I guess the baker was out of pans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58yyoa/i_had_pot_brownies_for_the_first_time_last_week/
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Did you hear about that guy who got killed in a rice field by a hitman with a porcelain doll?

Police are saying it's the first known case of a knick-knack-paddy-wack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58yxwm/did_you_hear_about_that_guy_who_got_killed_in_a/
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Putting captions in the wrong place

You know what I hate the most...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58yxk2/putting_captions_in_the_wrong_place/
%
I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?
Precubescent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58yvev/i_actually_heard_this_joke_in_a_dream_this_morning/
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Chinese Torture

Dave was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.
"I'm lost," said Dave. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said Dave, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to Dave as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," Dave thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic Dave glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58yuoc/chinese_torture/
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I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9

The odds were against me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58yq6k/i_got_into_a_fight_with_1_3_5_7_and_9/
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My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!

I asked how he could tell which one is which.
He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.
And Brian has a cock.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58yp8f/my_mate_told_me_yesterday_that_hes_started_dating/
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What's Peter Pan's brother's name?

Peter Pot.
He gets so high he never lands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58yoch/whats_peter_pans_brothers_name/
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What's the difference between a crab with a boob job and a dirty bus station?

One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ymyk/whats_the_difference_between_a_crab_with_a_boob/
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A guy in a bar loudly proclaims: "All lawyers are assholes!"

Another guy overhears him and says, "Excuse me, I resent that remark."
First guy: "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
Second guy: "No, I'm an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ykys/a_guy_in_a_bar_loudly_proclaims_all_lawyers_are/
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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia...

One day they stumbled into a tent filled with over one hundred beautiful women.
They started getting naked and friendly with the women, when suddenly, a sheikh came in.
"I am the master of all these women, no one else can touch them except for me. You three men must pay for what you have done today! You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheikh turns to the first man and asks what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop!", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off", says the sheikh.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a fireman!", says the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off", says the sheikh.
Finally he asks the last man what he does for a living.
The last man answers with a slight grin:
"I'm a lollipop salesman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ykwu/three_guys_were_on_a_trip_to_saudi_arabia/
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I recently thought about stealing from the food shelf...

But the steaks were too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ykd9/i_recently_thought_about_stealing_from_the_food/
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Two Unix experts are talking about their age...

- What is your date of birth?
- 0
- Ohh, nice I was born in January too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58yjx4/two_unix_experts_are_talking_about_their_age/
%
How many basement dwellers and deplorables does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's ridiculous I saw on CNN that Hillary has already changed the lightbulb Plus it's not dark and the light bulb isn't broken and anyway who told you it was broken Vladimir Putin? What are you sexist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58yjts/how_many_basement_dwellers_and_deplorables_does/
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What did the tailor say to the fed up customer?

Suit yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58yjd4/what_did_the_tailor_say_to_the_fed_up_customer/
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Three guys are drinking at a bar..

And the first one, after a few drinks, says to the others.
"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber"
"Why do you think that?" the other two ask
"because when i got home last week, i found plumber's tools under the bed"
the other two console him, buy a round of drinks, and keep drinking
the next guy says to the others.
"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician"
"Why do you think that?" the other two ask
"because when i came home last night, i found cables and electricians tools under the bed"
the other two console him, buy a round of drinks, and keep drinking.
The third guy, after thinking it through a few times, despite the many drinks he has had, looks at the other two and declares.
"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse"
the other two just stare at him, then at each other, finally they get up the courage to ask.
"why the hell do you think that?"
Close to Tears, he answers,
"because i came home from work, and found a fucking jockey under the bed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58y8vc/three_guys_are_drinking_at_a_bar/
%
My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds...

...so I bought her a bathroom scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58y7sn/my_wife_said_she_wanted_her_birthday_gift_to_go/
%
The Crusading Nun.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city’s problems.
Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this, the guy said, “Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed…”
“Look there you go again,” said the man. “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?”
“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”
“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”
“Well, I really don’t know …”
“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”
“Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of iniquity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”
“Well let’s go inside and settle this!”
“No my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”
“You’re on!” said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please?”
The bartender sighed and asked, “Is that nun out there again?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58y3vu/the_crusading_nun/
%
5 minutes into watching willy wonka and the chocolate factory and I'm craving chocolate

This is why I can't watch breaking bad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58y3g3/5_minutes_into_watching_willy_wonka_and_the/
%
A Russian, German and Polak just robbed a bank. They all jump on a train to get away from the cops...

They all climb on board a cargo car carrying pets and supplies.  The crew hears the the conductor coming and hides.  The Russian hides near some dog cages, sees the conductors flashlight and barks a few times.  The conductor moves on, and shines his light towards the cat cages where the German hid.  Right away, the German meowed and the conductor moved on without pause.  Finally, as the conductor moved towards the back of the car, he approaches a sack of potatoes the Polak has hid in.  He kicks the sack and the Polak yells out "PO-TA-TO"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58y26a/a_russian_german_and_polak_just_robbed_a_bank/
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I dropped my toothpaste!

...Tom exclaimed, crestfallen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58y1pd/i_dropped_my_toothpaste/
%
What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.
John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58y10o/what_kind_of_car_does_jesus_drive_a_christler_oh/
%
Fun WWI fact: There are more crashed planes down at the bottom of the ocean than-

-crashed submarines in the sky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58xugk/fun_wwi_fact_there_are_more_crashed_planes_down/
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What's the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer?

A prostitute will stop screwing you after you're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58xsne/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
%
A family of potatoes is sitting at the dinner table one night.

The eldest daughter speaks up. She says "Mother, I've got big news."
"What is it?" her mother says.
"Oh, mother, I'm gonna get married."
"Oh are you now?" her mother replies. "Who you gonna marry?"
"I'm gonna marry Irish Red."
"Oh a fine tater, a very fine tater indeed" says her mother.
Then the middle daughter speaks up: "I've got big news too, mother!"
"What is it?" her mother says.
"Oh, mother, I'm gonna get married too you know."
"Oh are you now?" her mother replies. "And who are you gonna marry?"
"I'm gonna marry Idaho Gold."
"Oh Idaho Gold, a fine tater, a very fine tater indeed" says her mother.
Then the youngest daughter, who is no more than a child, speaks up.
"Oh, mother, I've got big news too you know."
"Oh do you now?" her mother says.
"Oh, yes mother, I'm gonna get married too."
"Oh are you now?" her mother replies. "And who are you gonna marry?"
"I'm gonna marry Dan Rather."
"Why, Dan Rather! But sweetie, he's just a common tater."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58xs5h/a_family_of_potatoes_is_sitting_at_the_dinner/
%
What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58xoo4/whats_the_first_thing_you_should_do_when/
%
Went to Syria last month..

Had a blast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58xlz1/went_to_syria_last_month/
%
An employee and her boss are having sex.

Boss: Do you want to change positions?
Employee: Uh yeah. Can I be the Assistant Manager?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58xknp/an_employee_and_her_boss_are_having_sex/
%
I've been friends with my recliner the longest.

We go way back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58xjr9/ive_been_friends_with_my_recliner_the_longest/
%
The longest relationship I had was 10 days.

Then she deflated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58xiax/the_longest_relationship_i_had_was_10_days/
%
The flying V

Why is it when ducks fly in a V one side is longer.
More ducks on that side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58xhfi/the_flying_v/
%
Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58xgo0/why_do_chemists_enjoy_working_with_ammonia/
%
Did you hear about the shipment of Viagra that was stolen?

Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58xdly/did_you_hear_about_the_shipment_of_viagra_that/
%
Science builds airplanes & skyscrapers...

...and faith brings them together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58xclx/science_builds_airplanes_skyscrapers/
%
My wife threatened to call the cops if I didn't start checking the pockets of our clothes when I did laundry.

I asked "And what exactly do you expect them to charge me with?"
She said, "Money laundering."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58xave/my_wife_threatened_to_call_the_cops_if_i_didnt/
%
I caught my wife counting through my supply of Viagra. Embarrassed, she hugged me and said "I thought you were cheating on me, I guess I was wrong. I'm so sorry!"

I guess I'm lucky I don't *need* Viagra with my mistress...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58x9zp/i_caught_my_wife_counting_through_my_supply_of/
%
What do you call it when Bill Clinton gets an erection?

A political uprising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58x82k/what_do_you_call_it_when_bill_clinton_gets_an/
%
Dressed as a Premature Ejaculation

A man enters a costume party wearing only blue jeans; no shirt or shoes. The host asks him, "What are you supposed to be?"
The man says, "I'm a premature ejaculation."
"How in God's name are you dressed as that?!"
"Because I just came in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58x7pg/dressed_as_a_premature_ejaculation/
%
So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity...

Well, her exact words were "time and distance" but I knew what she meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58x4pz/so_my_girlfriend_just_told_me_that_she_needed/
%
Why is there cotton in pill bottles?

To remind black people that they were cotton pickers before drug dealers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58x4ew/why_is_there_cotton_in_pill_bottles/
%
Oral Exam

Two blondes failed math class and have to take an oral exam with the professor. The prof asks the first blonde:
"You are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?"
"I open the window."
"Great. The train is travelling north-east at 80 miles per hour, and a wind blows south at 12 miles per hour. Given the size of the cabin is 9 cubic meters and the surface area of the open window is 2 square meters, how long does it take for the room to fill with fresh air?"
"I....I don't know..."
"Clearly you have not studied," says the professor, "I'll see you next year." He turns to the second blonde. "Miss, you are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?"
"I take off my jacket."
"Ok, but it is still too hot."
"Then I take off my sweater and unbutton my shirt."
"It is far too hot for that still."
"Well then," says the blond, "I take off my shirt, and pants, and underpants, and I guess I sit there naked."
"And what if there are some sketchy men in the cabin with you getting excited by this?" the prof asks.
"Look," exclaims the blonde, "I don't care if Bill Cosby is sitting on my left, Derrick Rose on my right, and Donald Trump just walked through the door, I'm not opening that fucking window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58x2d3/oral_exam/
%
How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial?

He doesn't, they are both Aryans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wwjb/how_does_a_japanese_person_distinguish_between_a/
%
My friend said, "Hey, can you tell me the time?"

I said, "Not on my watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wwj8/my_friend_said_hey_can_you_tell_me_the_time/
%
Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t?

Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wvbu/why_do_married_men_gain_weight_and_bachelors_dont/
%
I sometimes miss people I love quite a bit...

But my aim is getting better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wqbd/i_sometimes_miss_people_i_love_quite_a_bit/
%
So a man dies and goes to heaven...

When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wnnq/so_a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
My friend and I decided to race our Ford Pintos.

Mine broke down three miles down the road. I had to walk the rest of the way.
I won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wkvx/my_friend_and_i_decided_to_race_our_ford_pintos/
%
What did the regular hotel room say to the fancy hotel room

Oh suite!
This was made up by my 11 year old son, I thought it was fist bump worthy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wkfw/what_did_the_regular_hotel_room_say_to_the_fancy/
%
My boss told me to have a good day..

So I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wjnl/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
%
Want to hear a clean joke? A man takes a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke?

Bubbles is a man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wji0/want_to_hear_a_clean_joke_a_man_takes_a_bath_with/
%
San Diego Comic Con and Dragoncon are going to pull their resources and merge into one event.

But it was called off because no one was happy with the con fusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wiwm/san_diego_comic_con_and_dragoncon_are_going_to/
%
What did the body-builder say after his house got robbed?

No whey...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wi9c/what_did_the_bodybuilder_say_after_his_house_got/
%
What's the difference between math and meth?

One of them ruins your life.
The other's just meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58whyq/whats_the_difference_between_math_and_meth/
%
What's the best way to get a foreign dog to behave?

A treaty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58whgw/whats_the_best_way_to_get_a_foreign_dog_to_behave/
%
What did Hillary Clinton say when they took down her private email server?

R.I.P. My Inbox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wfpt/what_did_hillary_clinton_say_when_they_took_down/
%
What do you call a Deer with no eyes?

No eye Deer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wfmg/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
Studies have shown horses exposed to marijuana are less stable and unsafe to ride.

So get off your high horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wfjp/studies_have_shown_horses_exposed_to_marijuana/
%
Two guys are getting really drunk at a bar...

...and one of them proceeds to vomit all over his own shirt.
He says to his friend, "Aww man. My wife is going to kill me.  She's going to be so pissed that I got so drunk tonight."
His friend says, "Don't worry I have a plan ."
He tucks a $20 bill in the man's shirt pocket and says, "Just tell your wife that it wasn't your fault, and it was some other guy who puked on you, but was nice enough to give you 20 bucks for your cleaning bill."
So the puke-covered fellows stumbles home and in the process wakes his wife who as predicted is incensed at the deplorable state of her husband at this late hour.
He states, "Honey it wasn't me.  There was a guy at the bar who puked all over me and gave me a 20 to get the shirt cleaned up.  Just look in the pocket and you'll find the money."
She checks his pocket and finds two twenty dollar bills there and asks, "Where the hell did the second bill come from then?"
He smiles at her and replies, "That's from the other guy who pooped in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58weos/two_guys_are_getting_really_drunk_at_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in an accident?

He'll be all right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58we67/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_lost_his_whole/
%
How do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wdz5/how_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
%
An old cowboy was captured by some Indians and was taken to the chief.

The chief said, "For trespassing on our sacred land you will be put to death in 3 days, but at the morning of each day I will grant you one request."
Two young men from the tribe woke him up early the first morning and asked him what his first request is.
"Just let me talk to my horse," was all the cowboy asked.
They brought him to the horse, and the cowboy gently grabbed the horse and wispered in it's ear.
The horse immediately takes off at full sprint, and two hours later comes back with a beautiful blonde girl riding nude. She goes into the teepee with the cowboy, and after having sex, she takes off on the horse again.
The two men from the tribe were obviously impressed with this, and on the second morning asked the cowboy what he wanted as his second request.
"I just want to talk to my horse."
So once again, they took him to his horse, he wipers in his ear, and the horse takes off at full sprint.
Two hours later, the horse brings back an even more beautiful dark haired girl, who was fully nude. She goes into the teepee with the cowboy, they have sex, then she leaves on the horse.
The two men from the tribe were really impressed this time, and on the third morning, they came to ask him what his final request was.
"I just want to talk to my horse." The cowboy said for the third request.
This time, the cowboy walked out to the horse, yanked it's head down and with clenched teeth yelled, "I said 'posse!" You stupid horse, bring me my posse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58waqu/an_old_cowboy_was_captured_by_some_indians_and/
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What did the mathematician do when he was constipated?

He worked it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58wa4l/what_did_the_mathematician_do_when_he_was/
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I got gas for $1.08 today...

...too bad it was from Taco Bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58w5wz/i_got_gas_for_108_today/
%
Why are blacksmiths seen as very nosy?

Because the are always metal-ing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58w25q/why_are_blacksmiths_seen_as_very_nosy/
%
I beat a Prius today...

Thank goodness I had on my running shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58w0xh/i_beat_a_prius_today/
%
"Mom, where did people come from?"

"God created us"
"But Dad said we came from monkeys"
"Dad told you about his side of the family. I am telling you about mine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58vwzc/mom_where_did_people_come_from/
%
I met Michael J Fox yesterday...

I was going to shake his hand but remembered it does that on its own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58vuak/i_met_michael_j_fox_yesterday/
%
I hope Death is a woman...

That way, it'll never come for me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58vmpt/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
Nothing beats a pretty girl with a beautiful singing voice

except for Chris Brown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58vlkk/nothing_beats_a_pretty_girl_with_a_beautiful/
%
What's the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend?

Is this the man I want my kids to spend every second weekend with?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58vhs4/whats_the_main_thing_a_woman_needs_to_think_about/
%
The only people who get more concussions than NFL players..

are their wives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58vcz5/the_only_people_who_get_more_concussions_than_nfl/
%
What do Apple and The Titanic have in common?

They both lost the Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58v9pm/what_do_apple_and_the_titanic_have_in_common/
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A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand...

... and he says "Make me one with everything".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58v985/a_buddhist_monk_approaches_a_hot_dog_stand/
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How do they say "fuck you" in...

... New York?  "Trust me."
... Alabama? "That's nice."
... Australia? "Mate, ..." (as opposed to, "... mate.")
... Canada? "I'm sorry you feel that way."
... The armed forces? "With all due respect..."
... Congress? "Thank you."
... Press conferences? "No comment."
... Business meetings? "Moving right along..."
... Law firms? "I'll take it under advisement."
... Court? "Counselor, may I please see you in chambers?"
... Sunday school? "Go forth and multiply."
... Fleet Street? "We refer you to the reply given in the matter of Arkell and Pressdram."
... Retail? "Have a nice day!"
... and finally, the food industry? "Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58v8d7/how_do_they_say_fuck_you_in/
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Dave was hard at work

It was really quite awkward for his female coworkers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58v897/dave_was_hard_at_work/
%
My girlfriend is like God.

Doesn't exist...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58v88w/my_girlfriend_is_like_god/
%
Gaston was actually very brilliant.

He won the No Belle Prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58v7qu/gaston_was_actually_very_brilliant/
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Everyone in NASA knows that they hired Stanley Kubrick to fake moon landings...

sadly  the asshole filmed on location.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58v7nn/everyone_in_nasa_knows_that_they_hired_stanley/
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An indian engineer can't find a job...

An indian engineer moves to the U.S and  can't find a job so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste"
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"
Lawyer: "Ugh..this is kerosene"
Indian: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20"
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything"
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth"
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste"
Indian: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20"
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak"
Indian: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100"
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100"
Indian: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58v5gb/an_indian_engineer_cant_find_a_job/
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Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?

A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58v2ic/q_how_do_mathematicians_scold_their_children/
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What do you call a crazy train

A loco-motive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58uztr/what_do_you_call_a_crazy_train/
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Why does Donald Trump take a Xanax when he goes to Mexico?

To prevent His-Panic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58uzle/why_does_donald_trump_take_a_xanax_when_he_goes/
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An undertaker comes home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?"asks his wife."I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When i got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection .Anyway, I find the room and sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half." "I see,"says his wife."But how did you get the black eye? "The undertaker replies,"Wrong room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58uxw9/an_undertaker_comes_home_with_a_black_eye/
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What do you call Jehova's Witnesses in Chinese

Ding Dong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ux7u/what_do_you_call_jehovas_witnesses_in_chinese/
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It's a cold night in Moscow, and Natasha and Sergey are getting busy in the back of Sergey's brand new Yugo.

The heat is on in more ways than one, and Natasha can tell that Sergey is getting close. She tries to stop him and ask, "Do you have protection?", but it's too late.
Two months later, Natasha is late, so she takes a pregnancy test. Sure enough, she's pregnant. In tears, she tells her parents. They ask how it's possible. "It's an accident!" she swears.
Her father goes and finds Sergey and demands he handle arranging the abortion. The communist government had heavily restricted abortion, however, and so Sergey had to bribe doctors to try to perform the procedures. He tried and tried, and several doctors were willing, but yet the procedure was never successful. No matter what the doctors did to try to terminate the pregnancy, the child lived on.
Finally, in desperation and losing faith in the Russian healthcare system, Sergey took out a loan and flew himself and Natasha to Paris to try one more procedure. Finally, this one was successful.
After the procedure, Sergey asked the doctor, "Why were all the efforts in Russia unsuccessful, but yours wasn't?"
The doctor replied, "You see, in Soviet Russia, accident survives you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58uu7v/its_a_cold_night_in_moscow_and_natasha_and_sergey/
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What spice does a tiny doggo like on its steak?

Puppercorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58utct/what_spice_does_a_tiny_doggo_like_on_its_steak/
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A policeman knocked at my door.....

I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."
I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58usl8/a_policeman_knocked_at_my_door/
%
Did you hear about the scottish drag queen?

He wore pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58urxi/did_you_hear_about_the_scottish_drag_queen/
%
It's no wonder that Trump likes the Russians so much...

...as neither of them have a good history with the Poles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58uqpk/its_no_wonder_that_trump_likes_the_russians_so/
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Two kids talking.

One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58uptr/two_kids_talking/
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A burglar sneaks into a house one night...

As he was looking for valuables he heard someone say "Jesus is watching you".
Shocked, he turns on his flashlight and sees a parrot. He asks the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot says "Yes". Amused, the burglar asks the parrot its name, to which the parrot replies "Moses".
The burglar is surprised, and asks "What kind of people names their parrot Moses?"
The parrot looks at the pair of glowing eyes behind the robber and says, "The same kind of people who names their pitbull Jesus."
P.s. Sorry for sucky English.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58uona/a_burglar_sneaks_into_a_house_one_night/
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A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.

...and his wife is livid.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”
"No," slurs the mathematician...
“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58uoea/a_mathematician_stumbles_home_drunk_at_3_am/
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“Customer feedback.”

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58umf2/customer_feedback/
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I was invited to a party...

'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ujty/i_was_invited_to_a_party/
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A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris

And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.
"So, what are you doing in Paris?"
"I'm a scientist, I research sex"
The man is now tempted:
"What have you discovered about sex in your research?"
"I came to find that Native Americans have the longest penises and Spanish can last the longest in bed. By the way, I'm Carol, what's your name?"
"I'm Sitting Bull Hernandez, nice to meet you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58uhqq/a_man_is_in_an_airplane_from_miami_to_paris/
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Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.
"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher
'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior
"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages
BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."
"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"
BB looks at her as if she's an idiot
"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ueiz/blackbeard_the_pirate_sends_his_son_bb_junior_to/
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Why do american bears have forelimbs?

They have the right to bear arms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ub3t/why_do_american_bears_have_forelimbs/
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A ghost was arrested

And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"
The ghost smiles and says "possession".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58u8ds/a_ghost_was_arrested/
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This is a story of a smartass parrot.

This young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot. The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it’s a real “smart-ass” with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperament.
The woman says, “That’s okay, I know how to handle smartasses like that. I want the parrot anyhow.”
So the woman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she gets her slacks off the parrot says: “Awk . . . nice legs, baby!”
Well, the woman isn’t gonna take such abuse, so she takes the bird out of the cage and puts it in the freezer for three minutes. While the parrot’s in the freezer, he becomes real sure that this was the wrong thing to say, and is making a large mental note about saying that again.
The next night, again the woman is getting ready for bed. This time the parrot knows not to say anything about her legs, but after she removes her blouse, and then her bra, the parrot just can’t resist any longer. He blurts out, “Awk . . . great tits, baby, let’s see ya shake um.”
Once again the woman gets upset and she decides that instead of three minutes in the freezer, she is going to keep the parrot in for five minutes. This time the parrot has lots of time to think. Remorse gives way to desperation, and finally to anger.
Finally, the woman opens the freezer door, takes out the near frozen parrot and says, “Well, have you learned your lesson?”
The parrot, still shivering and barely able to speak, says, “Awk, yea, yea, sure, sure, but I have just one question.”
The woman says, “Yes?”
The parrot says, “Awk . . . what did the turkey do, ask for a blow job?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58u5mx/this_is_a_story_of_a_smartass_parrot/
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They just discovered a lesbian dinosaur and are calling it...

Lickalotapus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58u3em/they_just_discovered_a_lesbian_dinosaur_and_are/
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A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned ☝her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58u017/a_women_is_out_golfing_and_finds_a_frog_trapped/
%
Is your refrigerator running?...

Cause it would probably be a better president #fridge2k16

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58tyox/is_your_refrigerator_running/
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What's the difference between a jew and a boy-scout?

Boy-scout comes back from the camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58twgi/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_boyscout/
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I got arrested today for not opening the door for my neighbour....

Apparently it's illegal to keep him locked inside my house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58tw0g/i_got_arrested_today_for_not_opening_the_door_for/
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9 months

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58tuib/9_months/
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If you're French in the bedroom, and Italian in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?

European!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58tqqt/if_youre_french_in_the_bedroom_and_italian_in_the/
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Never trust trees.

They're shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58toen/never_trust_trees/
%
Was going to wear my camouflage pants today

Couldn't find them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58to96/was_going_to_wear_my_camouflage_pants_today/
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A Chinese girl was pregnant at the age of 14. Her name was

Sum Yong Ho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58tlk4/a_chinese_girl_was_pregnant_at_the_age_of_14_her/
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(NSFW) So I was walking through the park with my father, and we saw two dogs humping.

So I was walking through the park with my father, and we saw two dogs humping, so I asked "Papa, what are they doing?"  "Making a puppy" he responded.
A few hours later it was my bedtime, and all I could think about was the dogs humping, so I went to talk to my father.  When I went downstairs I discovered my father on top of my mother.  "What are you doing to Mom?" I asked.  "Making you a baby brother." said my father.  I responded "No, flip her over!  I'd rather have a puppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58tl3z/nsfw_so_i_was_walking_through_the_park_with_my/
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An Arab boy moves to Ireland

... On his first day of school his teacher asks, "What is your name?"
"My name is Mohammed" the boy replies.
"You live in Ireland now, Your new name is Mike" says the teacher.
The boy smiles and has a good time in his classes.
After school the boy returns home and is greeted by his mother.
"How was your first day at school, Mohammed?" his mother asks.
"I live in Ireland now, my new name is Mike!" The boy replies.
His mother becomes infuriated, "Have you forgotten where you came from? Your heritage? You have disgraced your ancestors!"
and his mother beat him and when his father comes home from work he does the same.
The next day the boy returns to school and his teacher sees his fresh bruises.
"Mike! What happened?" asked the teacher.
The boy replies with a grimace "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman I was jumped by two fucking Arabs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58tkys/an_arab_boy_moves_to_ireland/
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The owner of a well-established firm of wholesalers was interviewing people for a position in sales.

One candidate offered excellent references and experience and was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.
So the sales manager decided to be frank, "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put customers off".
"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the sales candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirin. See for yourself, I've got some on me". And he began emptying his pockets on the desk.
The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up: ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multicolored ones, every variety imaginable.
"Aha", cried the young man happily, "here they are". He brandished two aspirin, swallowed them , and sure enough, the tic went away in less than a minute.
"So much for the wink," said the sales manager sternly, gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want my company to be represented by some wild womanizer, after all".
"No fear. I'm a happily married man".
"So how can you account for the contents of your pockets"?
"It's simple, sir. Did you ever go into a drug store, winking like crazy, and ask for a packet of aspirins"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58tj2q/the_owner_of_a_wellestablished_firm_of/
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An English man, Welsh man, and Indian man are in a maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58tha6/an_english_man_welsh_man_and_indian_man_are_in_a/
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Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very
fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning
young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who in the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "She's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more
shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados,  no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage, and no more
yacht club. Not only that,  but no more diamonds, no more credit card, and large bank account. But the decision is all yours."
Just then, a mutual friend of
theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Bobby?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says the husband
The wife looks at him for a second and then says,
"Ours is prettier!"
❤

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58tfo1/mistress/
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What did the black kid get for christmas?

Your bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58tfl1/what_did_the_black_kid_get_for_christmas/
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I saw six men carrying a coffin in the cemetery. Two hours later they were still carrying the coffin around the cemetery

I thought to myself "They've lost the plot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58tcuh/i_saw_six_men_carrying_a_coffin_in_the_cemetery/
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My girlfriend just emailed me a photo of us on our first date together. It's a very treasured memory for me. Problem is, the file wont open on my computer.

I guess I have emotional attachment issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58t5hu/my_girlfriend_just_emailed_me_a_photo_of_us_on/
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My computer just said hello to me.

I think it's A Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58t4lj/my_computer_just_said_hello_to_me/
%
An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.
"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".
"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.
"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58t1qq/an_old_hitler_joke/
%
Man walks into a psychologists office and says "Doc. You gotta help Me! I'm having these terrible dreams!"

Doc asks the guy "what happens in these bad dreams?"
The guy says "Sometimes I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then a teepee, then a wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam. It's all night! I can't take it!"
Doc says "you've got to calm down. You're too tense."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58t1a6/man_walks_into_a_psychologists_office_and_says/
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Two Christians are on a plane near Saudi Arabia...

... when the plane crashes, and they are stranded in some desert. Fortunately they survived with only small injuries. These Christians, John and Steve, start walking under the heat of the desert sun. After a few hours, they see a mosque in a distance. John wanted to make a plan.
**John**: Let's go to that mosque, disguise ourselves as Muslims, and asks the Imam to spare us some food and water. I'm gonna call myself Ahmed.
**Steve**: No, I don't want to disguise myself as Muslim. Sounds like a bad idea...
**John**: Alright... If you don't want to disguise yourself then fine. Let's just go.
John and Steve walk to the mosque. John opened the conversation with the Imam
**John**: Salaam Alaikum, Imam. My name is Ahmed. This is my friend Steve. We are travelers and our plane crashed...
**Imam**: MashaAllah! Come on in Brothers! Let me get your friend Steve here some food and drinks.
**Steve**: Oh my god, Thank you. Thank you very much!
**Imam**: ... and for you Ahmed...
**John**: Yes, Imam?
**Imam**: Ramadhan Mubaraak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58szey/two_christians_are_on_a_plane_near_saudi_arabia/
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Back in the day...

...cars were made in Flint and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58sxy1/back_in_the_day/
%
A cat falls in a pool, a rooster laughs.

Moral of the story:
A wet pussy makes a cock feel good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58swx9/a_cat_falls_in_a_pool_a_rooster_laughs/
%
What's green and red and goes 100 mph?

A frog in a blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58swhm/whats_green_and_red_and_goes_100_mph/
%
I didn't like the fungi at first,

But then it grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58sw2o/i_didnt_like_the_fungi_at_first/
%
I`m not getting any younger so.....

I decided to get in shape by going to the local gym. I said to the trainer "Which machine should I use for best results in attracting women." He said "There`s one outside never fails, it`s called an ATM."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58sw1h/im_not_getting_any_younger_so/
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Did you hear Snow White got thrown out of Disney Land?

They caught her sitting on Pinocchio's Face yelling "Lie you little fucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58sv5j/did_you_hear_snow_white_got_thrown_out_of_disney/
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What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58srw7/what_should_you_do_if_you_come_across_a_tiger_in/
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What did the tree say to the lumberjack?

I'm falling for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58sqmd/what_did_the_tree_say_to_the_lumberjack/
%
What would you call a terrible piece of gold?

Absolutely Auful!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58sn4t/what_would_you_call_a_terrible_piece_of_gold/
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A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

...but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58sn3r/a_policeman_knocked_on_my_door_this_morning/
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New Officer in Camp

A new Officer arrives in Afghanistan and is being shown around by a Sergeant. They walk by a donkey tied up in a pen and the officer asks what it's purpose is.
The Sergeant explains "The men use it when they have certain...urges. it gets very lonely out here"
The Officer looked a little disgusted but says that while he doesn't approve, he can understand.
Six months go by and the Officer is getting urges himself and decides that he has to go use the donkey.
Hes banging away, balls deep in the donkey, when suddenly the Sergeant walks past, sees what the officer is doing and stands there with a look of confusion and disgust on his face.
"Am I doing it right? Isn't this how the men do it?" asks the Officer
"Well, no sir, they usually just ride the donkey down to the next village where the brothel is"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58slis/new_officer_in_camp/
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Yo mamma so stupid

when she heard of "orange is the new black" she thought Donald Trump became the president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58slgs/yo_mamma_so_stupid/
%
My Grandma told me today that men were much more charming when she was young...

I told Grandma that that was because they aren't trying to fuck her anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58sl8r/my_grandma_told_me_today_that_men_were_much_more/
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What's the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58skyz/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_yogurt/
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A teacher was called in by the police for accusations of child molestation

"What is your name sir?"
"Mark Stephens"
"How old are you?"
"37 years old"
"And what do you do for a living?"
"I teach school chilren"
"Come again?"
"I teach school chilren"
"Do you mean children?"
"What?"
"You said chilren, you forgot the D"
"Oh no, I put the D in children later"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58shwz/a_teacher_was_called_in_by_the_police_for/
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The three stuttering Irishmen..

A very attractive young female speech pathologist was presented with three young Irishmen, all of whom stuttered. She spent many long hours working with them both individually and as a group. She tried everything in the book.  Finally, totally perplexed by their lack of progress she called them all together one day.
"Paddy, Mick, Sean. I am at my wits end. I am willing to make you this bargain. If any of you, ANY of you can say the name of the town where he was born without stuttering then I will make love to you immediately. OK?"
She was greeted with three wide smiles and three heads nodding furiously.
"Paddy?"
"Tip-tip-t-t-t-t-iperary, damn!"
"Sorry Paddy. Mick?"
"Dub-dub-dub-dublin, damn!"
"Nice try Mick. Come on Sean your go."
"London"
A look of astonishment came over her face. She had made the bargain not expecting any of them to be able to say one word without stuttering.
"OK Sean. Off we go. We will be back soon guys. Take a seat"
After a while the two return from their love-making.
"Well Sean? You were very quiet in there. Do you have anything to say at all?"
"d-d-d-derry"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58sgxj/the_three_stuttering_irishmen/
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Wanna hear a good one liner?

1 Dimension

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58sgdc/wanna_hear_a_good_one_liner/
%
What do you call a magic dog?

A Labracadabrador!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58sedg/what_do_you_call_a_magic_dog/
%
They say love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58s8sm/they_say_love_is_like_a_fart/
%
I like my women like I like my whisky...

22 years old and mixed with coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58s862/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whisky/
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What is the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I always cry when I cut an onion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58s835/what_is_the_difference_between_an_onion_and_a/
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An old man went to a store to buy laxative...

He ask the clerk:"How strong is the effect of this laxative?"
Th clerk says:"There is a public toilet 50 steps away from this store, if you take the laxative now, exits the store and run straight there, as you sit down on a toilet your poops will be pouring out."
The old man seem satisfied, he bought the laxative, took it and exits the store.
After 5 minutes, he returned to the store.
The clerk asked:"What happened? It didn't work?."
The old man answered:"No, it works fine. I am just here to tell you the public toilet is actually 52 steps away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58s666/an_old_man_went_to_a_store_to_buy_laxative/
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NSFW 69

A shy young man who on his 25th birthday confides to his best friends hes never been laid. They all have a laugh and poke fun, one chap asks "not even a 69", the shy young man just looks back puzzled, with that its decided they're pitching in and taking him to the whore house to get a "69". When they arrive, with nervous laughter they ask the Madame to see the girls and  select an older one who promises to be gentle and show him the ropes. They go back to the room and the young man is asked to disrobe and lay down on the bed, the prostitute then proceeds to straddle his face and give him a blowy, about 5 minutes in she lets out a big juicy fart, the young man being shy doesn't say anything and proceeds to munch her box, then a minute later she lets another rip, this time its like someone peeled an onion in his mouth so he jumps up and says, "Mam keep the money there's no fucking way I can handle 67 more of those."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58s38o/nsfw_69/
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How did the cow feel when it couldn't produce milk?

Udderly useless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ryf9/how_did_the_cow_feel_when_it_couldnt_produce_milk/
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer recently.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I'm still tripping.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rxqs/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_recently/
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Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and his left leg?

He was all right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rvij/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_lost_his_left_arm/
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I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said: "Hey, I wonder how far I can kick this bucket."

Yep, he really put his whole body weight into that kick. So when I moved the bucket last second he fell and broke his neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rvid/i_still_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandfather/
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A math teacher was lecturing his class

Suddenly, the professor popped a question,‘What is ((353.44634×153×15)+799²-285)×69-0.2 equal to?’
The students were really confused, one who was extremely frustrated stands up and yells and slams on his table,‘NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN!’ The teacher was impressed and said,‘ Correct, now you can sit down, Adolf.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rttj/a_math_teacher_was_lecturing_his_class/
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I love the new Upvote noise Reddit made...

Thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rtiy/i_love_the_new_upvote_noise_reddit_made/
%
Why was C afraid ?

Because other alphabets were **NOT-Cs**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rsr6/why_was_c_afraid/
%
"It's a boy!" Mario shouted. "It's a boy!"

With tears rolling down his cheeks, Mario came running out of the room....and never visited Bangkok again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rs9j/its_a_boy_mario_shouted_its_a_boy/
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So a middle school is putting on a musical

The musical is about classical composers and they need three boys to play the leads.
The first boy comes in and says he wants the part of Beethoven. His name is marked down and he leaves.
The second boy comes in and says he wants the part of Mozart. His name is marked down and he leaves. However, the last boy rushes in too early and they aren't ready for him.
"You have to go out and wait for your name to be called." They say to him.
"Fine," he says.
"But I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rs8o/so_a_middle_school_is_putting_on_a_musical/
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What did the redneck say when he lost his virginity?

Thanks mum xD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rosj/what_did_the_redneck_say_when_he_lost_his/
%
I like my women like I like my cigars.

Cuban, shipped in bulk and 7 years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ro51/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_cigars/
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It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail...

He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress.
"Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"
Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says "How about a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled. "Mr president! I voted for you because I thought you stood for morals! And family values! I guess you're no better than Clinton."
After she storms off, one of the president's advisors leans over and says "Hey, uh, George, it's pronounced *keesh*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rnex/its_2004_and_george_w_bush_is_on_the_campaign/
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Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more bean would be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rlrj/why_do_the_irish_only_put_239_beans_in_their_soup/
%
One time a girl tried sleeping with me for adderall...

She was a total attention whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rjwo/one_time_a_girl_tried_sleeping_with_me_for/
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My Penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records

Then the librarian told me to take it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rjkt/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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Why don't we hear jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?

Because the punchlines are too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rjei/why_dont_we_hear_jokes_about_the_jonestown/
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A man walks into his optometrist's office...

The optometrist says to him, "Sorry Steve, but you have to stop masturbating."
Steve says, "I knew it. I'm going blind aren't I? I overdid it."
The optometrist says, "You're not going blind, Steve, you're just freaking out everyone in the waiting room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rioq/a_man_walks_into_his_optometrists_office/
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Couple in a Restaurant – Joke

Husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant…
As the food was served, Husband said:
“The Food looks delicious, let’s eat.”
Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That’s at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rgyc/couple_in_a_restaurant_joke/
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[NSFW] Johnny is in sex-ed class...

...and the teacher draws a diagram of a penis on the board. She turns and asks the class,
"Does anyone know what this is?"
Johnny's hand shoots up and he says, "Yeah, I know! My dad has two of them!"
The teacher gives Johnny a quizzical look and asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yep," Johnny says with confidence. "He uses the little one to pee, and he uses the big one to brush the babysitter's teeth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58retw/nsfw_johnny_is_in_sexed_class/
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I heard that ' Call of Duty' has a different name in the Middle East.

They call it "The Sims".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rbkt/i_heard_that_call_of_duty_has_a_different_name_in/
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I met a lizard who couldn't get it up in bed.

Turned out he had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58raty/i_met_a_lizard_who_couldnt_get_it_up_in_bed/
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What do you call a Rasta with a liberal arts degree?

Jahbless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58rapi/what_do_you_call_a_rasta_with_a_liberal_arts/
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A skeleton walks into a bar

and says "I'll have a drink and a mop"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ra2f/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
%
/u/JokeExplainBot walks into a bar

and dies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58r71r/ujokeexplainbot_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How does a pirate greet a sea monster?

What's Kraken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58r61u/how_does_a_pirate_greet_a_sea_monster/
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TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children

The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qzal/til_that_910_doctors_agree_drinking_water_is_good/
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What kind of gum do bees chew?

BUMBLEGUM.
Five year olds think it's hilarious. I do not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qyrc/what_kind_of_gum_do_bees_chew/
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An old soviet joke.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. “What did they arrest you for?” asks the first. “Was it a political or common crime?” “Of course it was political. I’m a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, ‘Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.’ So they gave me seven years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qyq4/an_old_soviet_joke/
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Otherwise

I think this is a good joke, but the title says otherwise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qyj6/otherwise/
%
What's the difference between a pothead and a gay Muslim?

Potheads get stoned by choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qy7p/whats_the_difference_between_a_pothead_and_a_gay/
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How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

None. They like to live in the darkness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qy36/how_many_hillary_clinton_supporters_does_it_take/
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Why did the scarecrow get an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qx7a/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_an_award/
%
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qw73/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
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Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party?

The cake comes out of the girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qvzo/did_you_hear_about_the_bulimic_bachelor_party/
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Why can it be so annoying to drive a Skoda?

The Czech engine light is always on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qu62/why_can_it_be_so_annoying_to_drive_a_skoda/
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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates...

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qmg2/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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What's the similarity between my dad and a magician.

They both like sawing people in half for fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qlss/whats_the_similarity_between_my_dad_and_a_magician/
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I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qk7z/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_their_room/
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A mummy calls a restaurant.

• Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
•Could you spell it out, please?
•Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qjs4/a_mummy_calls_a_restaurant/
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Grown-up Words

A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.
"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."
So Jamie excitedly stood up and said
"I went on a choo-choo!"
The teacher grimaced and replied
"No Jamie, you rode on a train. Remember, grown-up words. Sarah, you next. What did you do?"
Sarah stood up and exclaimed
"I went to see my granny!"
Again the teacher pulled a face and said
"No Sarah, you went to visit your Grandmother. You're not in nursery any more, no baby words please. Johnny, let's hear you?"
Johnny got up and said
"I read a book!"
The teacher smiled.
"Very good Johnny! Can you remember what the book was called?"
Johnny smiled with confidence and proudly shouted
"Winnie the SHIT."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qht3/grownup_words/
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What did the engineer say to the bridge after it had collapsed?

I trussed you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qfcz/what_did_the_engineer_say_to_the_bridge_after_it/
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How do pirates know they are pirates?

They think therefore they arrr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58qbxc/how_do_pirates_know_they_are_pirates/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58q6j0/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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Truly old, but still one of my favorites: A six-year-old boy and his grandpa are sitting at a table.

The grandpa is sitting on a rocking chair, eating his cookies. The boy asks him:
-Can you give me some of your cookies?
-Can your pee-pee reach your butthole?
-Err... no...
-Then you're not old enough, kid.
A few years pass and the two find themselves in a similar situation. The boy's grandpa is smoking a cigarette and the twelve-year-old asks him:
-Hey, grandpa, can you give me one of your cigarettes?
-Can your dick reach your asshole?
-No, it can't...
-Then you're just not old enough, kid.
The boy hadn't visited his grandfather for a long time, and meanwhile he grows into a man. One day he decides to visit his grandpa and once again they're sitting at a table. Grandpa is sitting in his old rocking chair, pouring whiskey into his glass. The man asks his grandpa:
-Hey, grandpa, can I get some of that whiskey?
-Can your dick reach your asshole?
The man now proudly answers:
-Yes, yes, it can.
-Then you can go fuck yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58q6bh/truly_old_but_still_one_of_my_favorites_a/
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Two scientists walk into a bar after work...

As they both take their seats at the bar, the first scientist says to the bartender, "I'll have a glass of H2O."
The second scientist shakes his head and says, "I'll have a glass of water too." He then pauses and turns to the first scientist. "Wh... why did you say H2O? I mean, I know that's the chemical formula for water, but it's been a long day and there's no need to over-complicate something like that outside of work."
The first scientist stares at his drink, jaw clenched, brows furrowed, and wide-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58q4ob/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar_after_work/
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The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur.

-George.W.Bush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58q3y5/the_problem_with_the_french_is_that_they_dont/
%
Why did the fisherman cross the sea?

Just for the halibut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58q1vi/why_did_the_fisherman_cross_the_sea/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58q16q/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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In bed my wife calls my Jimmy John's.

I cum freaky fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pzht/in_bed_my_wife_calls_my_jimmy_johns/
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Boy Tells Teacher He’s Too Smart For The First Grade.

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, “I’m too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than her too.”
The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Johnny: “9.”
Principal: “6 x 6?”
Johnny: “36.”
And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher “I see no reason why Johnny can’t go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right.”
The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.
Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”
Johnny: “Legs”
Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”
The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Johnny: “Pants.”
Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”
Johnny: “Firetruck.”
The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pxxy/boy_tells_teacher_hes_too_smart_for_the_first/
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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pw67/a_young_teenage_girl_was_making_a_living_as_a/
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What do you get if you push a gypsy off a bike?

Your bike back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58puie/what_do_you_get_if_you_push_a_gypsy_off_a_bike/
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Tim was a fan of tractors all his life...

When he was young he had a tractor bed spread, toys and posters. He would tell all his friends at school of the latest tractor models being made and loved them more than anything. The years went by and eventually Tim was old enough to drive a tractor and so for his birthday his parents took him down to the tractor factory to test the latest model. Tim was told all about the amazing technology that went into the machine and then as he was almost bursting with excitement he got to drive one for the first time. However the amazing technology was not quite what Tim had imagined and a horrific mechanical fault left Tim nearly dead and horribly injured.
Tim then become disillusioned and hated tractors. He had loved them so much but they turned out to not be the wonderful machines he had dreamed of.
Years later again Tim was in a sauna at a spa. He thought he spied a nice looking lady across the room and wanted to talk to her but could barely see from all the steam. Tim then stood up, sucked in all the steam, went outside and blew it all out. He went back in and sat next to the lady. "Wow, that was incredible" she said, "How did you do that?"
"Easy" said Tim,
"I'm an ex-tractor fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58psi3/tim_was_a_fan_of_tractors_all_his_life/
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A child gets a toy Ferrari stuck in his belly button...

... it wouldn't be a problem if it was an Audi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58po2a/a_child_gets_a_toy_ferrari_stuck_in_his_belly/
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What does Melania call it when Donald takes Viagra?

A rigged erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pntg/what_does_melania_call_it_when_donald_takes_viagra/
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What does Trump's hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pmwi/what_does_trumps_hair_and_a_thong_have_in_common/
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What do a tuna, a piano, and a sheet of adhesive paper have in common?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pmc2/what_do_a_tuna_a_piano_and_a_sheet_of_adhesive/
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Have you seen that new documentary about constipation?

Oh that's right, it hasn't come out yet..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pkqs/have_you_seen_that_new_documentary_about/
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What goes clop clop clop - BANG! BANG! BANG! - clop clop clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pfv4/what_goes_clop_clop_clop_bang_bang_bang_clop_clop/
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Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pfin/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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The Golden Mouse

I was playing Terraria when I caught a golden mouse. I told my wife, 'I just caught a punchline.'
'What do you mean.'
'I caught a golden mouse. It's the punchline to any number of racist jokes.'
'Really?'
So I went into the one I knew best.
A man is having mouse problems. SEVERE mouse problems. He goes into a hardware store and begs the clerk there for help.
"Have you tried cats? Traps?"
"The cats have all run away. One mouse dies in each of the traps and then the others take the cheese. I've tried poison, baits, everything! They killed the boa-constrictor I got. Can you help me? Please?"
"Well," the clerk says, "I might be able to help you, but you *have* to keep this secret." He then reaches under the counter and pulls out a tiny golden mouse statue.
"What am I supposed to do with that?" The mouse-harried man asks incredulously.
"Just leave it out overnight. You'll know what to do in the morning."
Sighing, the man takes the golden mouse home and puts it on his mantle.
The next morning he is SHOCKED to see thousands of mice in his living room, all staring up in awe at the golden mouse.
Carefully, he picks it up. All the mice turn to track it as he moves it off the mantle.
He take a step back... the mice scramble to keep up.
He takes it out the front door. The mice all follow in a little rodent stampede.
Grinning, he walks the statue down to the harbor, keeping it in view of the mice the whole time. All the mice follow him relentlessly. He even picks up several mice along the way, all fixated on the golden mouse.
He hurls the golden mouse as far as he can out into the bay.
Sure enough, the mice stampede into the water, eventually swimming down below the surface to try to reach the golden mouse.
Less than five minutes later, he starts seeing little soggy specks float to the surface by the hundreds.
Fifteen minutes later he's back at the hardware shop.
"Oh, don't tell me that didn't work," the clerk says, crossing his arms.
"That's not it!" the man shouts in excitement.
"You need another one?" The clerk asks.
"No, no! I wanted to see if you had a little golden [INSERT ETHNIC SLUR HERE]."
My wife says, 'Funny, but horrible.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pfb4/the_golden_mouse/
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Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pezr/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_who_died/
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A grave digger...

A grave digger hears a story about how Mozart had an unfinished song folded up in his coat pocket when he was buried.
The grave digger goes to the cemetery where Mozart was buried, and starts digging at the composer's grave.
The grave digger hits the coffin.
The grave digger opens the coffin, and sees Mozart holding the unfinished piece, and erasing each note on at a time.
The grave digger yells, "What are you doing?!"
Mozart responds with, "Decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pemw/a_grave_digger/
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What did the Computer Processor say when it was overclocked?

It Hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pdxg/what_did_the_computer_processor_say_when_it_was/
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What's Jesus' favorite car?

A Christler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pdpb/whats_jesus_favorite_car/
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A mother is helping her son study for a test

She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"
He replies "Berlin."
She then asks "What is the capital of France?"
He replies "Berlin."
She asks "What is the capital of Russia?"
He replies "Berlin."
She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pdby/a_mother_is_helping_her_son_study_for_a_test/
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What do I know about dwarves?

Very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pcbk/what_do_i_know_about_dwarves/
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I couldn't see my dad anymore after his sex change.

He's transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pcao/i_couldnt_see_my_dad_anymore_after_his_sex_change/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58pc7p/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_go_on_a_camping_trip/
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I hear Donald Trump is going to ban cans of parmesan cheese...

..he's going to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58papg/i_hear_donald_trump_is_going_to_ban_cans_of/
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A Russian, a French and a German tourist walk through New Guinea...

...when, suddenly, a cannibal tribe emerges from the jungle and attacks them. They're caught and brought to the village, where the tribe's chief walks out.
"Ah," he says, "nice to meet you! Now, we'll eat you, of course, that's our tradition, but it's nothing personal, I don't want you to think of us badly. So, you'll all get one wish before we begin."
The Frenchman looks around and says "Well, if I have to die, let me spend the last hour with some of the prettiest girls from your tribe."
"Of course," the chief says. "Many seem to like you, no problem."
An hour later, the tired but satisfied Frenchman leaves a hut and promptly gets slaughtered.
The German sighs. "Give me all the beer and sausages you have," he says. "I won't die hungry."
The chief arranges a hearty meal, and the German fills himself up, then gets gagged and tossed onto a bonfire.
The Russian, who all the time has been staring daggers at the chief, points to his own chin and says. "See this? Hit!"
The chief, taken aback, says, "But..."
"No buts!" the Russian yells. "My wish! Do it! Hit!"
The chief shrugs and smacks the Russian in the jaw. The Russian inhales angrily, takes out an AK-47 out of his backpack, and massacres the entire tribe.
The German manages to roll off the bonfire; barely alive, he looks at the Russian and whispers... "You had this gun... all the time... and you didn't do anything? Why?!?"
The Russian proudly puts his chin up and exclaims: "Because Russia is never aggressor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58p8zn/a_russian_a_french_and_a_german_tourist_walk/
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Why is it okay for an ice company to commit fraud?

Their assets are already frozen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58p6nr/why_is_it_okay_for_an_ice_company_to_commit_fraud/
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Why did the rooster buy mittens?

So his chicken fingers wouldn't get cold.
I'll leave now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58p48h/why_did_the_rooster_buy_mittens/
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A brother and sister are having sex

The sister tells her brother: You are better than dad.
To which the brother replies: I know, mom told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58p1ji/a_brother_and_sister_are_having_sex/
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The neighborhood bully

was a guy named Horace. He was a nasty, mean, arrogant, sexist, racist jerk who made life miserable for the rest of the town. In particular, Horace's neighbors lived in constant fear of setting him off. Anything from stepping one foot on his front lawn or failing to bring in their trash bins on time would lead to Horace profanely yelling, or worse.
To make matters worse, Horace was also big, strong, and a formidable fighter. None of the other men in the neighborhood wanted to tussle with him, for fear of a broken nose or missing tooth. Most had accepted that they would have to live their lives walking on eggshells around Horace.
One day at the neighborhood pub, a man named Douglas had a few pints and started feeling brave. "Damn that Horace! Last week he made my youngest son cry when the kid's baseball landed on Horace's driveway. The oaf called my boy a terrible name and then threw his baseball in the sewer. If no one else will stand up to him, I will!"
A few of the other men in the bar, also feeling brave, started to speak up. The rabble eventually left the pub, now 20 men strong, "We'll show him who's boss!" The group shouted.
The group knocked on Horace's door. "We aren't afraid of you! Show yourself!"
"What's all this?" Horace's face was red with anger at being disturbed. "Go home before you get hurt! If not, I'll fight every single one of you!"
"We've had enough!" Douglas spoke up. "The other day you made my boy cry."
"That little twerp?" Horace sneered. "He deserved what he got."
Douglas was furious. "You want to fight us all? That's what's going to happen. You want your beating now, or tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow," Horace said. "I will fight every single one of you cowards. But not at the same time, that's not fair. I want you all to queue up, and I'll fight you one by one. No weapons, and no third man can step in to the fight. I wager that it'll only take one jab or uppercut for most of you. Weak chins."
"But here's the other rule," Horace continued. "I want each of you to wear the colors of your favorite team. Red, blue, green, stripes, whatever. It'll look funny when all you are sprawled out on my driveway like a bleeding rainbow"
The group thought it over. "Fair deal," they said. "We'll queue up one by one, and you see how far you get before you're too tired. Our biggest bruisers will be up front, so we have have the satisfaction of seeing out littlest guys finish you off."
The next morning, Horace woke himself with a cold shower, iced down his knuckles, and put on his favorite fighting shirt. He stepped onto his front lawn, readying himself. But the group who had challenged him was nowhere to be found, had not queued up for the fight, and therefore there was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58p0tt/the_neighborhood_bully/
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I was disappointed by the British version of Breaking Bad.

It ends after he gets cancer and all his treatment is paid for by the NHS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ox6h/i_was_disappointed_by_the_british_version_of/
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Soldier reintegrating into civilian life

A military veteran is assimilating back to civilian life and begins applying for jobs. He puts in an application with the state hoping for a 9-5 office job with decent benefits. They call him in for an interview. The interviewer is looking over his application and asks him about his military service. "Yessir," says the vet, "I was stationed in Iraq and then Afghanistan before being honorably discharged." "Thank you for your service." says the interviewer. "We do like to support our veterans." Then the interviewer gets a thought. "You aren't by any chance disabled in some way are you? We could check off another box and you'd be even more hireable." "Actually, I am." He replies. "I was hit by an IED and was emasculated in the process. I'm considered fully disabled (hence the discharge) but it doesn't really stop me from doing anything other than the obvious." "I am sorry for your loss, but that works out really well in your favor for this job. We'd like to hire you! You can start tomorrow, your schedule will be 11-5 Monday -Friday." "That's great!" says the vet, "But I thought I would start at 9am?" "Oh," says the interviewer, "the office does open at 9, but we just sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours and there's no sense in you coming in for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58owoq/soldier_reintegrating_into_civilian_life/
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A little boy was doing his maths homework & saying: 2+5, the son of a bitch is 7

A little boy was doing his maths homework & saying:
2+5, the son of a bitch is 7
3+6, the son of a bitch is 9. . .
His Mom: What are you doing?
Boy: I'm doing maths homework
Mom: this is how your teacher taught you?
Boy: Yes
Infuriated, Mom asked the teacher the next day
'What are you teaching my son in maths?'
Teacher: Right now, we are learning addition.
Mom: you teaching them to say 2+ 2, the Son of a bitch is 4?
Teacher after laughing:
What I taught them was, 2+2,
The Sum of Which is 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58oupe/a_little_boy_was_doing_his_maths_homework_saying/
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factory workers

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ouo6/factory_workers/
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where does a dog go when he loses his tail?

A retail store :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58oq88/where_does_a_dog_go_when_he_loses_his_tail/
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I saw this dude trying to pick up a girl.

Him: I would tell you a joke about about my penis, but its too long.
Her: LOL, that's funny. I wanna tell you one about my vagina, but you'll never get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58olji/i_saw_this_dude_trying_to_pick_up_a_girl/
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If I went to the capitol of South Korea with my Australian girlfriend

Would that make her my Seoul-Mate?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58okvw/if_i_went_to_the_capitol_of_south_korea_with_my/
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What makes the Japanese better than Al Qaeda?

At least the Japanese were considerate enough to bring their own planes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ojr7/what_makes_the_japanese_better_than_al_qaeda/
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What did the octopus say to the fox?

"What the fuck are you doing in the ocean?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58oj17/what_did_the_octopus_say_to_the_fox/
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What did the overly forward CRISPR/Cas9 say to the attractive strand of DNA?

"Hey girl. I can't wait to get into your genes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ohma/what_did_the_overly_forward_crisprcas9_say_to_the/
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You know what they say about big hands...

Big clock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ofun/you_know_what_they_say_about_big_hands/
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How does the alchemist please his wife?

Elixir!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58oatv/how_does_the_alchemist_please_his_wife/
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Password.

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58oab5/password/
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My older sister constantly and incorrectly uses the word "ironic" to describe situations in her life.

It's pretty ironic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58o5ar/my_older_sister_constantly_and_incorrectly_uses/
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If there is earth on planet Earth, why aren't there Jews on Jupiter?

Because it's a gas planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58o4um/if_there_is_earth_on_planet_earth_why_arent_there/
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So everyone's at the Last Supper...

... and Jesus is speaking to his disciples.
He says "Take this bread, for it is my body. Take this wine, for it is my blood."
Then Peter turns to Paul and whispers "Don't eat the brownies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58o4km/so_everyones_at_the_last_supper/
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The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.
"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivity!" the genie booms. "As my rescuers, you are entitled to one wish each."
The first man excitedly blurts out, "I wish for a billion--"
"Now hold on just a minute!" the genie interjects, "This wish comes with a catch. Only about ten feet from here in the bushes, there lies another lamp, much like my own, but black. Black as a midnight sky. This lamp contains the Demon of Ba'al, and he and I made a deal long ago."
"Ten feet? How many meters is that?" asks the second man.
The genie frowns at him and continues. "You see, like myself, he has been imprisoned in his lamp for over 60,000 years. We had only each other to speak with. We made a deal that if either of us was set free, he would help the other."
"So in order to receive your wishes, you must first walk over, find the lamp, and release the Demon of Ba'al. He will require a sacrifice from you, one that may be most terrible. You will have no choice but to acquiesce, or not only will you forfeit your wish from me, but you will surely die a most painful death."
The first man ponders for only a second. "I'm homeless and unemployed, and my wife left me six months ago. I have nothing to lose."
He walks over to the bushes and pokes around for a moment until he finds the second lamp. Black as obsidian, its sharp, jagged edges slice into the flesh of his hand as he rubs it gingerly.
A gargantuan, horrifying creature, with flaming red eyes, oily black wings, and great, curved horns like a ram's emerges in a thick cloud of acrid smoke. "WHO DARES DISTURB MY ETERNAL DWELLING PLACE??" the beast thunders.
The first man is too terrified to reply, but the demon looks over to see the genie and quickly realizes the situation.
"AH, SO WE HAVE HERE A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE!" he snickers. "WELL, WELL. WHAT SHALL WE REQUIRE OF YOU?" He looks down to see the man's trembling, bleeding fingers. "YOU HAVE ALREADY SHED BLOOD FOR THE CAUSE, SO I WILL TAKE ONLY ONE OF YOUR HANDS." Reaching down a long, black claw, he snaps the man's hand off at the wrist as if it was nothing more than a twig.
The first man screams for a moment or two, but then slows to a mere sob as the pain begins to abate ever so slightly. He turns to the genie. "I wish....I wish for a billion dollars."
“It is done,” replies the genie, and hundreds of suitcases appear around the man, filled to bursting with cash. He grabs a couple as best he can with his bloody stump and begins to drag them back towards the road where he left his car.
The second man scoffs at him. "A billion dollars? You get ONE wish that costs you a body part, and that's all you ask for? Not only are you a fool, but you are a cliche fool, the worst kind." He turns to the demon. “I have a lot more to live for than that poor idiot, but I’m a gambler. I’ll take your deal. What sacrifice do you require?”
“YOU ARE ARROGANT AND FOOLHARDY!” sneers the beast. “I LIKE THAT. I SHALL TAKE ONLY A LEG.” He reaches down and, with his bare, clawed hands, rips the man’s right leg off at mid-thigh. Screaming in agony, tumbling to the ground, the second man can barely manage to form words. “I……I wish for……for 1.5 billion dollars,” he moans through clenched teeth.
“It is done,” the genie says, and another huge pile of money-filled suitcases appears. However, the man can do nothing but lay curled up in the fetal position, clutching the stump of his leg and groaning.
The genie and the demon turn to the third man. “What of you, sir?” the genie asks as the man approaches from the shadows of a tree, where he had been watching and thinking. Something in his face is familiar to the genie. “Wait…don’t I know you?”
The Demon of Ba’al, as well, is struck by the man’s countenance. He steps forward and enthusiastically raises a claw in greeting.
“HEY, DAVE!! How you been, man?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58o42b/the_genie_and_the_demon/
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What do inbreds do on Halloween?

Pump Kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nz2l/what_do_inbreds_do_on_halloween/
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What did the unimpressed wind turbine say?

I'm not a fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nz08/what_did_the_unimpressed_wind_turbine_say/
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A millionaire is on his deathbed...

A millionaire is on his deathbed, about to lose his battle with cancer.  In his final moments, he asks that his Priest, his doctor, and his lawyer come to see him.  The three enter his room and walk up to his bed.
The dying man looks at the three and says "I have brought you all here for one final request.  I wish to be buried with my wealth, so that I may have it with me in the next life.  To ensure that it happens, I am entrusting each of you with $300,000 to place in my casket when I am gone."  The dying man hands the Priest, doctor, and lawyer each an envelope containing $300,000 in cash, and tragically passes away moments later.
There is a grand funeral for the millionaire, and the Priest, doctor, and lawyer sit in the seats in the back.  Each of the three walk up to the casket, gently place their envelope next to the millionaire, and walk outside.  The men are walking home together in silence, when finally the Priest speaks up:
"I am a man of God, and I cannot hold this in.  There was only $200,000 in my envelope.  I took $100,000 out of the envelope and donated it to my church.  I know that he would have wanted the church to prosper."
The doctor and the lawyer gasped in disbelief at what the priest had done.  However, the doctor also had something to say:
"My envelope was also a light.  I took out $200,000 to donate to cancer research.  I know he would have wanted to try to help others with this research!"
The lawyer stepped back from the Priest and the doctor, and shook his head in utter disbelief.  Finally when he calmed down he spoke:
"I can't believe you two!  Your envelopes didn't have all the money inside?!?  Well, I will have you know that I walked up and put my envelope in that casket, complete with a check for $300,000.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nvyp/a_millionaire_is_on_his_deathbed/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nvw7/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
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I don't know any jokes.

No joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nv42/i_dont_know_any_jokes/
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You know, Hitler must have been a pretty great artist.

There are a ton of museums dedicated to his work, after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ntwg/you_know_hitler_must_have_been_a_pretty_great/
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A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.
The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."
The Dictionary responds "You don't even know the meaning of the word."
The Thesaurus then says "But I know what it's like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nrpt/a_dictionary_and_a_thesaurus_are_in_a_library/
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Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker??

A hooker can clean her crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nrnn/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
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I had sex with a girl at an apple orchid and she ended up getting pregnant...

It's probably because I came in cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nrj5/i_had_sex_with_a_girl_at_an_apple_orchid_and_she/
%
Hey man, where did Julie spend her vacation?

Alaska.
- No thats okay, I'll ask her myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58npls/hey_man_where_did_julie_spend_her_vacation/
%
Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. "What do you think we should do?" she asks. Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nomk/mom_finds_a_large_number_of_bdsm_magazines/
%
I failed my biology exam yesterday

The question was: Name something commonly found in cells. Apparently, Niggers wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nnux/i_failed_my_biology_exam_yesterday/
%
Call a woman beautiful a hundred times...

Call a woman beautiful hundred times, and she won't remember.
But call her fat just *one* time, and she'll never forget.
Because elephants never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nmcu/call_a_woman_beautiful_a_hundred_times/
%
A frog walks into a bank.

The frog hops up on the counter of the nearest available teller and says "I want a loan."
Confused, the teller asks for the frog's name.
"My name is Kermit Jagger, son of Rolling Stone's legend Mick Jagger, and I want a loan" he says. "And what is **YOUR** name?"
"My name is Patricia. Patricia Whack" replied the teller. "I'm afraid we don't normally give loans to frogs, sir"
"Look" said the frog. "I'm Kermit T. Jagger. My father is **Rolling Stones legend Mick Jagger**. I want a goddamn loan. Understand me? Here. I even brought collateral."
After a bit of dry heaving, flying out of the frog's mouth comes a tiny ceramic figurine.
Stunned, and unsure as to what to do, the tellers picks up the slimy statue and makes her way to the bank manager's office.
"Sir, I have a...frog at my counter. He says he's Kermit T. Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and he wants a loan. He even gave me some 'collateral' in the form of this little...thing?"
The bank manager smiles.
"Relax" he says. "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nm1j/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank/
%
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nl5s/why_do_you_never_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
%
I like my women like I like my dick...

...kept in a dark place and taken out to be beaten every once in a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nj40/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_dick/
%
Two sperm are racing each other to get to the egg first

After awhile one sperm says, "Shouldn't we be there by now?"
The other sperm says, "I don't think so, we just passed the esophagus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nj1f/two_sperm_are_racing_each_other_to_get_to_the_egg/
%
I found a Zelda fanfic where Ganondorf took over Hyrule, but for some reason I couldn't click on it

I guess the Link was dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ngw4/i_found_a_zelda_fanfic_where_ganondorf_took_over/
%
Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they change theirs more often

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58neoj/why_do_women_have_cleaner_minds_than_men/
%
If you have bladder problems...

Urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58nbe0/if_you_have_bladder_problems/
%
I have to catch the 4:23 train

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58na0l/i_have_to_catch_the_423_train/
%
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was invited to a classical musician theme Halloween party?

I'll be Bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58n8cy/what_did_arnold_schwarzenegger_say_when_he_was/
%
Donald Trump visits an elementary school...

Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58n4z9/donald_trump_visits_an_elementary_school/
%
What's the Syrian girl doing on the swing?

Pissing off the sniper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58n2gu/whats_the_syrian_girl_doing_on_the_swing/
%
Why don't black people dream?

The last black man to have a dream got shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58n1m0/why_dont_black_people_dream/
%
Have you guys tried Wookie meat?

I heard that it's a little Chewy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58n02b/have_you_guys_tried_wookie_meat/
%
Which horse runs the city?

The mare, of course

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58myp1/which_horse_runs_the_city/
%
What do Japanese guys do when they have erections?

Vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58mxcs/what_do_japanese_guys_do_when_they_have_erections/
%
What kind of plants grow in bathrooms?

Toilet trees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58mtmb/what_kind_of_plants_grow_in_bathrooms/
%
I love the smell of my F5 key

It's so refreshing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58msod/i_love_the_smell_of_my_f5_key/
%
I'm not convinced faith can move mountain's

But ive seen what it can do to skyscrapers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ms31/im_not_convinced_faith_can_move_mountains/
%
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands...

There is no cure...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58mqo0/ive_been_diagnosed_with_a_type_of_amnesia_where_i/
%
What' is a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58mq0m/what_is_a_pirates_least_favourite_letter/
%
I have a horse named mayo...

Mayo neighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58mou2/i_have_a_horse_named_mayo/
%
What did the two oceans say to each other?

Nothing.  They just waved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58mmir/what_did_the_two_oceans_say_to_each_other/
%
How many potatoes do you need to kill an Irish man?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58mlnk/how_many_potatoes_do_you_need_to_kill_an_irish_man/
%
Did you know?

That atheism is a non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58mk6g/did_you_know/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate it's tits a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58mjqi/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
I was playing snooker with Jacqueline.

I looked at her and said, "Where's your cue?"
She said, "It's after the C."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58mhvk/i_was_playing_snooker_with_jacqueline/
%
My girlfriend likes it from behind while she's smoking a blunt.

Snoop Doggy style.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58mhp4/my_girlfriend_likes_it_from_behind_while_shes/
%
What do you call an obese woman with a rape whistle?

Optimistic(aly),
In
The
Right
Mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58mgn5/what_do_you_call_an_obese_woman_with_a_rape/
%
I finally had sex with my crush, like a borg

Her resistance was futile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58mfpq/i_finally_had_sex_with_my_crush_like_a_borg/
%
Donald Trump walks into an empty bar and says..

"Am I the only joke here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58mf9g/donald_trump_walks_into_an_empty_bar_and_says/
%
What did the hookers left leg say to the right leg?

Between you and me, we can make a lot of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58md2d/what_did_the_hookers_left_leg_say_to_the_right_leg/
%
I was walking down the road and some guy tipped a whole carton of milk on me...

How dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58m95h/i_was_walking_down_the_road_and_some_guy_tipped_a/
%
What did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons?

Hose a and hose b

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58m7ed/what_did_the_mexican_fire_chief_name_his_two_sons/
%
I'm sick and tired of those who say Hillary has no great accomplishments....

I would say staying out of prison for the crimes she committed in the last four decades is a great accomplishment.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58m6zk/im_sick_and_tired_of_those_who_say_hillary_has_no/
%
My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, "That's for all the cheating!"

She has a weird way of apologising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58m531/my_wife_hit_me_in_the_face_with_a_frying_pan_and/
%
Donald Trump like his women like he likes his Geneva Conventions

Mostly ignored, but regularly violated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58m49i/donald_trump_like_his_women_like_he_likes_his/
%
I saw a midget in a KKK outfit today

I think he is a little racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58m46h/i_saw_a_midget_in_a_kkk_outfit_today/
%
My girlfriend is like /r/Jokes

She tries to tell me that she hasn't cheated on me, but I've already heard that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58m1ej/my_girlfriend_is_like_rjokes/
%
Who's the most flexible man in the Bible?

Job - he tied his ass to a tree and walked all the way to Jerusalem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58lz1j/whos_the_most_flexible_man_in_the_bible/
%
I tried changing my password to "Goku"

But facebook said it was too weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58lyfn/i_tried_changing_my_password_to_goku/
%
Never lie to kids

I make it a point never to lie to my kids. This morning one of them came up to me and asked, "Where do little babies come from?" And I gave him a straight answer: "Sheer carelessness! Sheer carelessness!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58lw9m/never_lie_to_kids/
%
What does a pimp and a redneck have on common?

They both like to throw a ho-down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58lv3n/what_does_a_pimp_and_a_redneck_have_on_common/
%
A priest is walking through town at his new parish

Suddenly a hooker approaches him & says, "Blowjobs for $20 if you're interested".
Confused by this he smiles, blesses her and goes back to the church.
He sees one of the nuns and asks her, "Sister, what's a blowjob?"
She replies, "$20. Same as in town".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58low0/a_priest_is_walking_through_town_at_his_new_parish/
%
Four friends meet each other after 30 years

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”
The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”
The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.”
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?”
One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”
The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment.”
The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58lnar/four_friends_meet_each_other_after_30_years/
%
An Asian boy come home from the doctor and he tells his dad...

Son: Dad the doctor said I'm allergic to bees
Dad: That good, now you can only get A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58lmhz/an_asian_boy_come_home_from_the_doctor_and_he/
%
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Dubai doesn't like the flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi doo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58lkw9/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
%
A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if there might be something inside the smooth shell, so he takes it in both hands and pulls with all his might...
Suddenly there is a blinding flash and a deafening explosion. Pain floods the man's body as he looks around and sees that both of his arms have been flung at least 10 feet away. Everything turns to black as he hears shouts of alarm in the distance.
The man wakes up in a hospital 3 days later. Doctors tell him that they were unable to reattach his arms, and he needs to get accustomed to the idea of a life without those limbs. The man curses himself for forgetting one small, ever so important fact that day...
In Soviet Russia, bomb disarms you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58lhal/a_russian_is_digging_around_an_old_battlefield/
%
The postman is retiring

so everyone in the neighborhood decide to give him a retiring gift.
He goes to the house of this blonde girl. She invites him to lunch and feeds him a lovely 3 course meal. Then she takes him to the bedroom and fucks him hard. Then she gives him ten dollars.
The postman, taken aback, asks "The meal was delicious and the sex was heavenly but why the ten dollars?"
The blonde replies "When I asked my husband what we should give you, he replied 'Fuck him, just give him ten dollars'. The lunch was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58lgqz/the_postman_is_retiring/
%
My therapist claims I'm a narcissist, but what does he know?

Clearly not as much as me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58lfvr/my_therapist_claims_im_a_narcissist_but_what_does/
%
A local policeman did a talk on heroin

It was impossible to understand him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58le7c/a_local_policeman_did_a_talk_on_heroin/
%
20 Years Ago...

20 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope.
And now, we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58lddf/20_years_ago/
%
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58lc55/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_with_the_lapd/
%
What's the square root of optimus prime?

I'm not sure, but it's more than meets the eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58lbdv/whats_the_square_root_of_optimus_prime/
%
Teacher and student

Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass?
Student:  😳 I didn't even know they were catholics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58l9bq/teacher_and_student/
%
I made a joke about a midget criminal running down the stairs. The punchline is a little condescending.

Ba dum *tss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58l95u/i_made_a_joke_about_a_midget_criminal_running/
%
Where does a dog go when his tail falls off?

The retail store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58l8oq/where_does_a_dog_go_when_his_tail_falls_off/
%
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Hindu are stuck on a boat.....

In the middle of a storm. There boat is about to drown when all of them decide to pray to their gods to save them. The Christian says Oh Jesus please save me, I have been your faitful servant for years. A white light shines from the sky and Jesus come down and take him to safety. The Muslim says Oh Allah please save me, i have been a faitful Muslim for years.  Another white lights comes from the sky and Allah comes to save the Muslim.
The Hindu is the last one left and there is not enought time so he starts saying Oh Vishnu please save me, Oh Krishna please save me, Oh Shiva please save me, Oh Ganesha please save me and as soon as he says another name the boat sinks and the Hindu dies. When the Hindu reaches heaven Jesus, Allah and Vishnu are sitting there. The Hindu gets so mad at Vishu and asks him why he didn't save him even though he has been so faithful to his religion?? The Vishnu gets up in anger and says you asshole when you said oh Vishnu please save me I was ready to come however you kept on changing the names and by the time I was done changing the costumes you were dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58l783/a_christian_a_muslim_and_a_hindu_are_stuck_on_a/
%
The young woman sitting next to me on the train today was breastfeeding her baby...

An officer came up to us and said, "Please stop doing this here, or we're going to have to ask you to leave."
So I sighed, stopped masturbating and pulled my pants back up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58l59j/the_young_woman_sitting_next_to_me_on_the_train/
%
How do the Muslims like their eggs cooked?

Sunni side up. I know this is a Shiite joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58l40v/how_do_the_muslims_like_their_eggs_cooked/
%
What did the erotic novel author get from his editor?

Sticky notes.
What did he get from his publisher?
A hard copy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58l3d7/what_did_the_erotic_novel_author_get_from_his/
%
A middle aged woman was looking at herself in the mirror...

... And she kept talking to herself about her appearance.
- Look at your saggy boobs, I mean they used to be so perky and full and now look at these empty skin socks.
- Wow, the years have not been kind to your butt, you could have bounced a quarter off of my apple shaped bottom and look at it now, a square chunk of cellulite and stretch marks.
- What the hell happened to your arms, they were toned and firm and now, if you wave with both of them you are likely to start flying with these flabby fat wings.
She then turned around to her husband who had been taking a crap during all her observations about herself and tell him...
-... Well, aren't you gonna say anything to make me feel better about myself.
And the husband responds...
-... Your eyesight is better than ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58kzdz/a_middle_aged_woman_was_looking_at_herself_in_the/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They're both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58kwhx/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
Disarray

A young man climbs to the summit of a mountain, in search of the great wiseman. Despite the snowy, unforgiving terrain and the biting chill if the wind, he makes it to the top. He sees an old Asian man, long flowing white beard and hair, deep in meditation and walks up to him. "Oh wise one! Please tell me how to find peace in such a troubled world!"
The old man stands up and says only one word, "Disarray", before walking away. The young man follows, "Please! I climbed all this way and I don't understand!
The old man pauses, and without looking at the young man repeats, "disarray", before walking away again.
The young man sits down, exhausted and frustrated. He begins pleading between sobs, "I don't understand! Please explain what that means! Is this a puzzle I need to solve?"
The old man stops again, looks at the young man and says, "No, a-you fool! It's a-fleezing out here. Come dis a-ray, and re can go inside and a-talk about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ks6n/disarray/
%
Why are smaller breasts better for breastfeeding?

They're more of a kids meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58kqw6/why_are_smaller_breasts_better_for_breastfeeding/
%
85 y.o. man visits doctor

An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…
“Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58kmjb/85_yo_man_visits_doctor/
%
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58kjjh/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_in_suspense/
%
So I live in a small town

The town is really small. There some rich people, but not a lot. One of them, however, is my neighbor. He is a doctor, but also owns a tiny motel with his wife called the Spanish Inn. A couple of years later, the motel mysteriously burns down. The couple tries to file for insurance, but the inspectors suspect arson. The couple gets taken to court for attempted insurance fraud. The case lasts for months, when the judge and the prosecutors get tired of it. They start to bring out all the stops, when suddenly, mid-trial the wife breaks down crying. She admits to burning down the motel so she and her husband can claim insurance money. The town was shocked, never expecting the Doctor of doing this.
That's when it hits me
No one suspects the Spanish Inn Physician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58khwx/so_i_live_in_a_small_town/
%
After working long and hard for my PhD people finally recognize me..

As the neighborhood pizza Hut delivery guy now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58khog/after_working_long_and_hard_for_my_phd_people/
%
I got the job as a psychic!

I don't know how.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58kcs3/i_got_the_job_as_a_psychic/
%
Homeless & unemployed cyborg law enforcer

Hobocop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58k8su/homeless_unemployed_cyborg_law_enforcer/
%
Procrastination

Eh, that's not an important joke; I'll tell that one later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58k7r2/procrastination/
%
Is it fair to say...

There'd be less litter in the world if blind people were given pointed sticks?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58k6ra/is_it_fair_to_say/
%
If blacks have the race card, women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58k66z/if_blacks_have_the_race_card_women_have_the/
%
My girlfriend is like Pi.

Completely irrational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58k61o/my_girlfriend_is_like_pi/
%
Best joke I've seen on Reddit all year...

/r/Politics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58k4is/best_joke_ive_seen_on_reddit_all_year/
%
My girlfriend's mood is like the graph of sin(x).....

Her mood goes up and down within one period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58k2pl/my_girlfriends_mood_is_like_the_graph_of_sinx/
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I am going to tell my friends...

That I will show up to their holloween party as Amelia Earhart...then not show up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58k2n6/i_am_going_to_tell_my_friends/
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My parents are in a fight

My dad wanted to go see a lighthearted psychic.
My mother wanted to buy some cheerful watercolors.
I hope they find a happy medium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58jzmq/my_parents_are_in_a_fight/
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Did you know Helen Keller lived in a haunted house?

Neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58jxv9/did_you_know_helen_keller_lived_in_a_haunted_house/
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A couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer -- brands from 12 different countries including Germany, Holland, Japan, Czech Republic, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that chunks of ice were forming out of the air on it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out several kinds of hot, home-made hors d'oeuvres.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Fine! Sit your ass down, shut the hell up, drink your beer in your frozen mug, and eat your hors d' oeuvres because your married ass isn't going to a damned bar! Got it, jackass?"
And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58jwb7/a_couple_had_only_been_married_for_two_weeks/
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How did the pepper end up getting killed?

A salt with deadly weapon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58jpvg/how_did_the_pepper_end_up_getting_killed/
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Anyone can give a definition for erectile dysfunction...

It's not that hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58jo7c/anyone_can_give_a_definition_for_erectile/
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Two scientists at a restaurant.

When the waiter asked the what to drink, the first scientist said, "I'll have H2O." The second scientist started to say "I'll have H20 too," but then he told the first scientist, "Wait a minute. You had something up your sleeves, didn't you?" He then told the waitress, "I'll have a glass of water." The first scientist was furious, staring at him in anger, because his plan to kill the second scientist has failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58jo21/two_scientists_at_a_restaurant/
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What's the worst part about being a prostitute?

The customer always comes first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58jl2j/whats_the_worst_part_about_being_a_prostitute/
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What do you do when you see a spaceman?

You park your car, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58jk0f/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_spaceman/
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Two antennas got married

The wedding wasn't great but the reception was amazing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58jgc5/two_antennas_got_married/
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90 year enters the doctor's office on a wheelchair for checkup.

Doctor asks how he feels generally.
Old man: I feel great. In fact I am expecting a baby with my hot 20 year old new girlfriend.
The doctor who is obviously surprised asks: Really? Or you are just kidding me?
The old man pulls up his phone and shows the doctor a picture himself holding a beautiful pregnant girl in his arms. The doctor who is even more shocked says: That's interesting but let me tell you what happened to me the other day. I went for a hike on a rainy day holding my umbrella when out of nowhere this tiger jumped in the middle of road running towards me. So I pointed my umbrella at it and shot it dead.
The old man laughs and says: Come on now! I am old but not stupid. How can you shoot with an umbrella?
The doctor pulls out his phone showing him holding an umbrella standing next to a tiger shot dead on the ground.
The old man says: But that is impossible! Probably someone else shot the animal that you don't know about?
The doctor smiles and says: Possible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58jfrb/90_year_enters_the_doctors_office_on_a_wheelchair/
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Today, my girlfriend said she's dumping me for some geometric drawings

Figures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58je2w/today_my_girlfriend_said_shes_dumping_me_for_some/
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A guy is walking on the beach when he finds a woman with no arms or legs crying

"What's wrong?" he asks her.
"I've never been hugged before" she tells him.
So, he embraces her.
She continues crying.
"What's wrong now?" he asks.
"I've never been kissed before" she sobs.
So, somewhat reluctantly and annoyed, he kisses her.
And yet, she continues crying.
"What is it now!?" he roars.
"I've never been fucked before" she confesses.
He picks her up, and throws her to the waves.
"Well, you're fucked now!" he yells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58jc2q/a_guy_is_walking_on_the_beach_when_he_finds_a/
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I'm so proud of my son

I asked him what the sound of one hand clapping is.  He said "dunno" and walked off to his room, but I can hear him trying to figure it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58jc08/im_so_proud_of_my_son/
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I told my doctor I have a joint problem.

He said, "What is it?"
I said, "Someone stole my weed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58jbib/i_told_my_doctor_i_have_a_joint_problem/
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I was at a gas station and I accidentally filled up my escort with diesel.

She died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58jb36/i_was_at_a_gas_station_and_i_accidentally_filled/
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Two guys are out drinking late. One turns to the other and says "I'm going to hate going home. No matter how quietly I sneak into bed, my wife wakes up and starts nagging me". Other guy turns to him and says "I don't have that problem"

I come home, flip on the lights and yell "Honey! I'm home! Let's Fuck!" and she always pretends she's fast asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58j7cd/two_guys_are_out_drinking_late_one_turns_to_the/
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I like my women how I like my wine

12 years old and locked in my cellar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58j774/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_wine/
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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your coconuts, this ain't gonna be your average blowjob.
As told to me by a passing homeless man yesterday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58j5u5/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_palm_tree/
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A mother takes her young daughter to the zoo...

While they're there, they see two monkeys having sex. "What are they doing, mommy?" asks the little girl. The mother, trying to maintain the innocence of her daughter replies, "They're...uh...making cupcakes".
On the way home they see two dogs having sex. Again, the girl asks what they're doing. "Making cupcakes", the mother again replies.
Later that night, after the little girl has gone to bed, the mother and her husband snuggle on the couch. One thing leads to another and they end up having sex.
The next morning at breakfast, the girls asks, "Mommy, we're you and dad making cupcakes last night?" Remembering what she had told her before, she says "Uh...yes, honey. Why do you ask?"
The little girl answers, "Cos when you were done I liked the frosting off the couch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58j25l/a_mother_takes_her_young_daughter_to_the_zoo/
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Prostitute Pony

What did the prostitue pony where on its hooves?
Whore shoes.
Ok, I'll stop:(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58j1z0/prostitute_pony/
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What type of gum does a Buddhist perfer?

Enlightenmint!
More Gum Jokes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58izpd/what_type_of_gum_does_a_buddhist_perfer/
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What day is /r/Jokes favorite?

Earth Day, it's all about recycling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58iyqf/what_day_is_rjokes_favorite/
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American nuclear response time is around four minutes.

But eight minutes if you are using a cigar on a naked intern.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ixl7/american_nuclear_response_time_is_around_four/
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I had an imaginary girlfriend for a few years, but she ended up leaving me for my best friend.

He had a bigger imagination than I did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58iwxk/i_had_an_imaginary_girlfriend_for_a_few_years_but/
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What's the difference between a club and a strip club?

A club has a beat that you can dance to, a strip club has a dance that you can beat to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ityb/whats_the_difference_between_a_club_and_a_strip/
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Old Russian joke: One day the bear escaped from the zoo

One day the bear escaped from the zoo and climbed a tree in a residential area. Same day lonely old lady came out in the morning for milk, saw the bear and called the zoo. Half an hour later a rusty old van drove to her house. Hefty bearded man with a shotgun got out of the van followed by little white dog. A man approached the old lady and asked: - Where is the bear, which you told us? The old woman pointed on a tree. The man replied: - Clear. So, here, hold the shotgun. Now I climb a tree and start to shake it. When the bear falls, Milky (man pointed on the dog) grab him by the balls and lead him to the zoo. That is a proven approach. We have done it 1000 times already. Confused old lady said: - Clear... But why did you give me a shotgun? The man replies, slightly lowering his voice: - Usually, everything goes well. BUT, if if i fall from a tree instead of a bear - SHOOT THE MILKY!
I'm also russian so sorry for my language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58itf3/old_russian_joke_one_day_the_bear_escaped_from/
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What's the difference between a WWE wrestler and a soccer player?

A WWE wrestler will get up after faking an injury.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58io5d/whats_the_difference_between_a_wwe_wrestler_and_a/
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Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice...

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get an air conditioner"
"I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor"
"Well, Danny, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?"
"Yeah, I've got a close friend, Frank"
"Well, ask your friend Frank to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Danny asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Danny is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.
Danny says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Danny takes the towel and starts wafting Frank, who is now making love to Danny's wife. Not long after, Danny's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"
Danny shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58inxu/danny_cannot_make_his_wife_orgasm_so_he_goes_to/
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A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'"
When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger.
The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?"
The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ijx3/a_washed_up_actor_hasnt_gotten_a_job_in_years/
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What's the difference between a cunt and an asshole?

According to the latest polls, about 4%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58igyy/whats_the_difference_between_a_cunt_and_an_asshole/
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58icqo/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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Punctuality....

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58i8kl/punctuality/
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A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male."
They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58i83l/a_man_goes_to_his_male_doctor_after_several_tests/
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A couple were french kissing

, then the guy looks at the girl and says " I think I swallowed your gum"
Nah, says the girl, I just have a cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58i70a/a_couple_were_french_kissing/
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I like my coffee how I like my women...

Cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58i5v0/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
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What flavor gum does a scientist prefer?

Exspearamint.
inspired by the presidential gum joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58hyfx/what_flavor_gum_does_a_scientist_prefer/
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My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust.

We call her Summer for short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58hvc7/my_wife_and_i_just_had_a_daughter_and_named_her/
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You know why birds sing in the mornings?

Because they don't have to go to fucking work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58hnut/you_know_why_birds_sing_in_the_mornings/
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What is the purpose of war?

"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58hnsf/what_is_the_purpose_of_war/
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Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58hn29/life_has_never_given_me_lemons/
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What's tumblr's favorite ingredient?

Trans fats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58hmxn/whats_tumblrs_favorite_ingredient/
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I'm a scientist that's researching beastiality between humans and dogs

You'll find me in my lab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58hlni/im_a_scientist_thats_researching_beastiality/
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There once was a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray...

He is now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58hkeu/there_once_was_a_soldier_who_survived_mustard_gas/
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Profiling

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 2 at the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says, "No, why the heck you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No," I said, "It's cause you're drinking my beer, you little twerp."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58hapa/profiling/
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Jesus could walk on water

But Stephen Hawking runs on batteries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58h6xx/jesus_could_walk_on_water/
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Why all Tickle me Elmo dolls are male.

They all get two test tickles before they leave the factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58h1ng/why_all_tickle_me_elmo_dolls_are_male/
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Bobby's New X Box

Bobby was playing in his parents bedroom one day, when he heard his mom and a stranger waking towards the room.  Since he wasn't supposed to be there, he panicked, and jumped into the closet, just as him Mom and the strange man entered.
He sat in the dark for a while, hearing strange noises, when suddenly he heard the garage door opening, and his mother saying "Oh Shit! He's home, quick! Hide in the closet!"
Soon enough, the stranger was in the closet, standing in the dark, right next to Bobby.  This disturbed him greatly, and he wanted out of there, so he spoke up.
"It's dark in here, I'm scared."
"Shhhhh! Be Quiet!"
"I'm scared, let me out!"
"Listen Kid, what will it take for you to keep quiet until we both can safely leave the closet?"
Bobby thought it over, and said $500, and the man readily agreed.
A few days later, Bobby and his Dad are walking in the town, when Bobby sees an X Box display.  "Daddy!  I want to buy an X Box!"
His Dad sighed, and said "Son, I already told you, we don't have the money for that."
"I do!" With that, he pulled out five crisp hundred dollar bills.
"Where did you get that money?" His dad exclaimed.
"I can't tell you, it's a secret!"
They went back and forth, with Bobby standing firm on not telling him where he got the money, so finally his dad took him by the hand and said... "If you're not going to tell your father where you got his money from, you can talk to God about it!" and dragged him to their church, and pushed him into a confessional booth.
The door closed, and Bobby was alone in the dimly lit chamber, when the window opened, and the Priest asked him for his confession.
Bobby looked at the screen and said in a timid voice "It's dark in here, I'm scared."
The priest sighed and said, "You're not starting up with that shit again, are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gydh/bobbys_new_x_box/
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A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gub2/a_bus_station_is_where_a_bus_stops_a_train/
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A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp.

The police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gu2l/a_hole_was_found_in_the_wall_of_a_nudist_camp/
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A word to describe Mahatma Gandhi...

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
And this, my friends, made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gt9y/a_word_to_describe_mahatma_gandhi/
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My girlfriend is like √-100.

She's a 10 but she is also imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gpdy/my_girlfriend_is_like_100/
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A man stranded on a deserted island sits looking out over the ocean as he has done every day for the last 7 years...

Always the same view. Today however he spots something among the waves. Rubbing his eyes in disbelief he realizes it's a person swimming towards shore. He jumps to his feet and begins running down towards the beach. Is he going crazy? Is this real? It's been so long since he has seen another human. Upon reaching the beach the swimmer is just coming out of the surf. Not only is she real, but also stunningly beautiful! The man excitedly tells the woman "I've been stuck on this damn island for seven years without seeing another person! I can't even believe this is happening..." as tears well up in his eyes. The woman replies, "Seven years!! You poor man! I bet you're dying for a drink!" She unzips a little pocket in her swimsuit and pulls out a small flask and hands it to the man. He takes a sniff.. "Whiskey! Oh my god I've missed you!" he exclaims before tossing back a big swig. The woman unzips another little pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.  "I bet you would probably love a smoke to go with that drink..." she says as the man's eyes light up. "Oh boy, would I ever!" The man can't believe his luck! "This is the best day of my life! Seven years without anyone to talk to... I thought I would die alone." The woman seductively responds "Then I have an even bigger treat for you.." as she begins to unzip her swimsuit. "Would you like to play around?" She asks.  The man, clearly excited jumps to his feet and replies...
"YOU MEAN YOU GOT A SET OF GOLF CLUBS IN THERE TOO! HOT DAMN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gpbx/a_man_stranded_on_a_deserted_island_sits_looking/
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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it. "Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!" Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch. The anti-semite! looks over at the Jew with a smug grin. The Jew smiles back. The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression. "Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!" He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew." The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again. Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?" "Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gp4x/an_antisemite_goes_to_a_bar/
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A deeply in love boy says to his girlfriend ...

"I might not be rich, nor have any money or expensive apartments, and even not be the owner of many companies like my friend Jack, but i love you, and i always will"
She, hugging him tight and already crying answered :
" If you really love me, will you introduce me to your friend Jack please ? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gmel/a_deeply_in_love_boy_says_to_his_girlfriend/
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Fighter Pilot - PMA

Marine Corps Fighter Pilot
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life- threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"*
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gm57/fighter_pilot_pma/
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An Iraqi official calls all of his 8 Saddam's doubles...

He says, i have good news, and bad news. The good is that Saddam is alive, the bad is that he lost an arm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gl0l/an_iraqi_official_calls_all_of_his_8_saddams/
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A guy has a crush on a girl...

The only problem he has is every time he sees her he gets a raging boner. After some great effort he manages to finally sit down near her during a party and strike up a conversation. They hit it off and he asks her to see a movie with him the next day. Fearing he will not be able to control embarrassing himself he decides to strap his penis to his leg. The next day he arrives at her door early and rings the bell. The girl answers the door in her underwear and he kicked her in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gk03/a_guy_has_a_crush_on_a_girl/
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Robert Plant, Paul McCartney, and Mick Jagger convene once a year to discuss all the great foods they've found travelling the globe on tour.

Robert is the first to excited reveal his 'big find'. He takes out a little pie tray from a brown paper bag and places it on the table.
"It's a pastry of some kind from Tanzania. It's akin to what we call a quiche, but uses yak cheese and quail eggs instead!"
"Fascinating" says Paul, who is next to present his favourite foreign food to the group. He pulls a tiny vial out of his pocket and places it on the table.
"Well Rob, this is a lavender extract that the people of Nauru use to flavour their baked goods. It's incredibly expensive to make, but well worth it."
"Lavender in a muffin? Amazing!" says Plant.
Both Robert and Paul wait in eager anticipation of what Mick's brought to the group, as his band tours the world to a degree neither Paul nor Robert has ever seen.
Mick reaches into his pocket and pulls out a smushed, crumbled up dinner roll.
"It's from Morocco" he says.
Robert and Paul are stunned in amazement, unable to find the words to express their disappointment.
"Look" says Mick. "I know, it's only a Moroccan Roll, but I like it. I like it. Yes I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gjzb/robert_plant_paul_mccartney_and_mick_jagger/
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Trump and Clinton are on a building that is on fire. You got time to save only one, what do you do ?

Go to lunch or go watch a movie ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gieg/trump_and_clinton_are_on_a_building_that_is_on/
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What happens to deposed kings?

They get throne away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ghxr/what_happens_to_deposed_kings/
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Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil?

It's pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gefs/why_shouldnt_you_write_with_a_dull_pencil/
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Anal sex is like your first car..

You dont want it but your dad gives it to you anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gebo/anal_sex_is_like_your_first_car/
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"Doctor I'm invisible!"

"I'm sorry sir. I can't see you right now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ge1u/doctor_im_invisible/
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Whiteboards are just the best

In fact, they're remarkable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gdxc/whiteboards_are_just_the_best/
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I once tripped and fell into a deep crevasse.

Sorry, that's the hole joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gdc1/i_once_tripped_and_fell_into_a_deep_crevasse/
%
Someone took my spine and replaced it with theirs.

I want to get my own back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gbns/someone_took_my_spine_and_replaced_it_with_theirs/
%
Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped

The Police still have no lead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58gart/multiple_reports_claiming_sting_has_been_kidnapped/
%
I went to the doctors with hearing problems

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ga9i/i_went_to_the_doctors_with_hearing_problems/
%
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew?

Harry made it out of the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58g86v/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_a/
%
I want to tell my co-worker that I have really strong feelings for her...

...but I'm afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58g7xr/i_want_to_tell_my_coworker_that_i_have_really/
%
I once ate a watch

It was time consuming, I didn't go back for seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58g7r5/i_once_ate_a_watch/
%
I was just reading up on how they rescued the Chilean miners

most of it was just boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58g5uh/i_was_just_reading_up_on_how_they_rescued_the/
%
What do you call someone who only watches Horror Anime?

A Ouijaboo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58g508/what_do_you_call_someone_who_only_watches_horror/
%
The HR takes the top 20 application folders from the pile and throw it in the trash.

Those people have bad luck. We don't want people with bad luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58g2th/the_hr_takes_the_top_20_application_folders_from/
%
Marketing at it's best

A CEO for the *Helix* nail-gun company decides to seek for a new add campaign for their new product. He struts in to a marketing company and tells the AD to "make it awesome".
The art director nods to a designer who then proceeds to start drawing. An hour passes and the concept is ready. He hands it to the CEO and AD. It's a drawing of Jesus nailed to a cross with a title:
_"With Helix, it stays"._
An awkward moment passes and the two hand it back to the designer: "It's a bit too much, really. We can't use a photo of Jesus on a cross as our add. Back to the drawing board."
The designer shrugs and continues to draw for half an hour. Finally he hands over the final version -  a drawing of the very same cross as before, now empty - and a title:
*"With Helix, it would have stayed."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58g2mq/marketing_at_its_best/
%
I own an innovative gardening supplies store.

We sell cutting-hedge technology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58fyfq/i_own_an_innovative_gardening_supplies_store/
%
I'm currently dating a woman that, like me, has Parkinson's and kleptomania.

We're going to take things slow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58fy44/im_currently_dating_a_woman_that_like_me_has/
%
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh

Ten tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58fx1g/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
I can't get over how cruel some people are.

I had some Nickelback tickets on the passenger seat of my car, and I popped into the shop for just five minutes.
When I came back, someone had smashed the window and left two more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58fvd0/i_cant_get_over_how_cruel_some_people_are/
%
I was on the street

This guy waved to me, he came up to me and said
" I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else"
And I said "I am"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58fv7a/i_was_on_the_street/
%
What did the black kid get for Christmas?

My bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ftuh/what_did_the_black_kid_get_for_christmas/
%
Tell Me a Sentence

Teacher:- Tell me a sentence that
starts with an “I”.
Student:- I is the…,
Teacher:- Stop…!
Never put ‘is’ after an “I”.
Always put ‘am’ after an “I”.
;
;
;
;
;
Student:- OK…. I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet… 🙂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58fs37/tell_me_a_sentence/
%
What do you call a Jewish Pokémon trainer?

Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58foam/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokémon_trainer/
%
How does Stephen Hawking refresh after a long day?

F5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58fm6f/how_does_stephen_hawking_refresh_after_a_long_day/
%
I thought about going vegetarian

but I knew I could not handle a missed steak like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58fkc5/i_thought_about_going_vegetarian/
%
When I stayed over at my girlfriend's house, her extremely conservative father wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which was a shame, because he is very attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58fkaq/when_i_stayed_over_at_my_girlfriends_house_her/
%
I did a theatrical performance on puns...

It was a play on words.
I'll let myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58fimz/i_did_a_theatrical_performance_on_puns/
%
How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

They take the psychopath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58fi13/how_does_a_crazy_person_travel_through_the_woods/
%
A man boarded an Airplane

and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58fc42/a_man_boarded_an_airplane/
%
A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"
*****
Obligatory "thank's for the gold" edit. I'm glad you all enjoyed this joke so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58fc0o/a_horse_is_sitting_at_home_watching_mtv/
%
Steps to being cool

A) Use the sunglasses face
B)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58f995/steps_to_being_cool/
%
Why do trees die?

They become board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58f8p1/why_do_trees_die/
%
Putin lands at Helsinki airport...

...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58f7m4/putin_lands_at_helsinki_airport/
%
I installed skylights in my home,

...the people that lived above me were furious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58f6k8/i_installed_skylights_in_my_home/
%
What doesn't belong in this list?

Wife, eggs, meat, blowjob.
Blowjob doesn't belong. Why? Because you can beat your eggs, your meat, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58f3te/what_doesnt_belong_in_this_list/
%
My buddy has tried to stop speaking in such a deep southern accent

he's going through withdrawls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58f2qd/my_buddy_has_tried_to_stop_speaking_in_such_a/
%
Every day, there's a kid coming to my store looking for trouble...

And every day, I tell him we're sold out.
Can't he buy Monopoly instead?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ex7m/every_day_theres_a_kid_coming_to_my_store_looking/
%
A man goes to a garage sale.

He walks up to a brand new 50 inch flat screen television for $1.
Man - "Is that TV seriously $1?"
Owner - "Sure is, even comes with surround sound!"
Man - "What's the catch then?"
Owner - "Well the volume is stuck on high and it's always going to be loud."
Man - "Well I can't turn that down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ev4x/a_man_goes_to_a_garage_sale/
%
Little Johnny the Train Conductor

Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his toy train as his father cooked dinner. Little Johnny stopped the train and said, ''All you damn assholes who want to get off, get the hell off. All those who want to get on, get the hell on!''
''Little Johnny!'' exclaimed his father. ''I can't believe you are using that language! You should be ashamed of yourself! I want you to go to your room and don't come back until you have thought about what you've done!''
So Little Johnny goes to his room and comes back an hour or so later. He resumes playing with his train, only this time when he stops it he says, ''All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off, you may now get off, and those who want to get on, you may now also get on. And as for those of you who have a problem with the hour delay, talk to the asshole in the kitchen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58eq8k/little_johnny_the_train_conductor/
%
What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar?

A flamethrower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58epzt/what_do_you_call_a_bouncer_at_a_gay_bar/
%
I have enough money to last the rest of my life...

So long as I don't spend any of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58el1r/i_have_enough_money_to_last_the_rest_of_my_life/
%
What do you call a filthy memer?

Banned from Askreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ekso/what_do_you_call_a_filthy_memer/
%
How did German men pick up Jewish women in the 1940s?

With a dustpan and broom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ekqt/how_did_german_men_pick_up_jewish_women_in_the/
%
A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ehiq/a_texas_farmer_was_touring_england_he_happened_to/
%
I have this thing where I like to take a crap with the door open.

Unfortunately, not everyone at Starbucks feels the same way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ehhi/i_have_this_thing_where_i_like_to_take_a_crap/
%
Bang !

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103, leaving behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58eh4s/bang/
%
"You're not gonna get a quote out of me." - Donald J. Trump

"Wrong." - Donald J. Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58eh29/youre_not_gonna_get_a_quote_out_of_me_donald_j/
%
What happened to the minter who went crazy?

He stopped making cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58egl7/what_happened_to_the_minter_who_went_crazy/
%
Why did Russia lose the race?

Because it was Stalin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ecd5/why_did_russia_lose_the_race/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

Some people are against shooting guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58eae9/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
%
what's black, white, orange and terrifying?

My voters pamphlet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58e7br/whats_black_white_orange_and_terrifying/
%
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK.  You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes.  So you can forget about getting three wishes.  You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile.  Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.   Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!  Think of the logistics of that!   How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?  Think of how much concrete... how much steel...!  No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish.  Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times.  My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.  So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58e78r/a_man_was_walking_along_a_california_beach_and/
%
A small bird made of oak

Be good if there was a related joke, wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58e5xy/a_small_bird_made_of_oak/
%
ISIS has reportedly acquired a shitload of cutting edge weapons technology from the Korean black market.

Recent photographs suggest that the technology is known to have an Iris Scanner, S Pen, a 12 MP primary camera and a really mindBLOWING battery life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58e4pw/isis_has_reportedly_acquired_a_shitload_of/
%
Why is Bear Grylls a good friend to take to the movie theater?

He sneaks his own drinks in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58e4jh/why_is_bear_grylls_a_good_friend_to_take_to_the/
%
Americans are getting stronger

Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58e3vu/americans_are_getting_stronger/
%
My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight..

When I went downstairs the debate was on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58dz5k/my_parents_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_watch_dumb_and/
%
No matter who you vote tonight to become our next president..

there is going to be a blonde sitting in the Oval Office in about 3 months..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58dq1h/no_matter_who_you_vote_tonight_to_become_our_next/
%
What's the best thing about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58dpal/whats_the_best_thing_about_dead_baby_jokes/
%
I don't watch Soccer...

If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd take my friends out to the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58dp0j/i_dont_watch_soccer/
%
A schoolyard bully asked all of his usual victims to get together and be waiting for him so he could get through all of his beatings quickly this time, but none of them showed up.

End of joke. There was no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58dnzu/a_schoolyard_bully_asked_all_of_his_usual_victims/
%
Haven't seen this one in long enough

Guy goes to a bar and gets 3 shots on christmas every year. Bartender asks why. He says he has 2 brothers in different countries and they all go to a bar on christmas and get 3 shots and drink on behalf of eachother. One year he comes and orders 2 shots. The bartender saddened by this asks the man if one of his brothers have passed away. The man replied "no, i just quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58dhg8/havent_seen_this_one_in_long_enough/
%
How many palindromes do I know of?

Not a ton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58dgqd/how_many_palindromes_do_i_know_of/
%
I went to my doctor.

He said I was overweight.
I said I want a second opinion.
He said you're ugly too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58dglh/i_went_to_my_doctor/
%
Are you bothered by the fact that the term "dad joke" refers to a certain kind of humor associated with dads, whereas the term "mom joke" refers to jokes that are derogatory towards mothers?

Hi, bothered by the fact that the term "dad joke" refers to a certain kind of humor associated with dads, whereas the term "mom joke" refers to jokes that are derogatory towards mothers, I'm dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58dcvh/are_you_bothered_by_the_fact_that_the_term_dad/
%
The world is a dangerous place. Just the other day, I was walking down the street

and I punched a guy in the face for absolutely no reason. Stay safe out there, folks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58dcd2/the_world_is_a_dangerous_place_just_the_other_day/
%
Two seismologists have divided California into North and South to be monitored for earthquakes. A deadly magnitude 9 happens right in the middle

The North seismologist says: "why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"
The South seismologist says: "It's not my Fault!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58dauy/two_seismologists_have_divided_california_into/
%
I really try not to make fun of fat people...

They have enough on their plate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58da8f/i_really_try_not_to_make_fun_of_fat_people/
%
What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58d9jf/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
%
What is the best thing about having sex with twenty nine years olds?

There are twenty of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58d829/what_is_the_best_thing_about_having_sex_with/
%
Not sure what to watch tonight....

American Horror Story on FX or the one on ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, CNN, CNBC and MSNBC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58d6xh/not_sure_what_to_watch_tonight/
%
Someone broke into my car and stole my speakers.

It was grand theft audio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58d44z/someone_broke_into_my_car_and_stole_my_speakers/
%
I was going to make a joke about gay clowns.

Butt fuck IT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58d3du/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_gay_clowns/
%
We didn't start the fire!

Samsung did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58cw5i/we_didnt_start_the_fire/
%
Teacher and student

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58cw2v/teacher_and_student/
%
What flavor gum does the President prefer?

Governmint
Ill walk myself to the nearest border

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58cw08/what_flavor_gum_does_the_president_prefer/
%
My mom just took away my mood ring.

I don't know how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58cthq/my_mom_just_took_away_my_mood_ring/
%
A sheep,a pot and a snake walk together then fall of a cliff...

*Baah Dum Tssssss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58crus/a_sheepa_pot_and_a_snake_walk_together_then_fall/
%
A Curious Child

It's the night before Thanksgiving and a mom and dad are fighting in the living room. The child comes in, curious about all the yelling.
**"You're an Asshole!"**  yells the mom.
**"Mom, whats an asshole?"**  asks the child.
**"Men are."**  answers the mom.
**"Well, you're a bitch!"**  replies the dad.
**"Dad, what's a bitch?"**  asks the child.
**"Women are."**  answers the dad.
The mom and dad eventually make up and everyone goes to sleep.  The next day, the little family are expecting guests for Thanksgiving dinner, and are getting ready.  The child goes into the bathroom where the mom is shaving her legs, she accidentally cuts herself.
**"Shit!"**  she exclaims.
**"Mom, what's shit?"**  asks the child.
**"Shaving"**  answers the mom.
The child then wanders down to the kitchen where the dad is cutting the turkey, he accidentally cuts himself.
**"Fuck!"**  he shouts.
**"Dad, whats fuck?"**  asks the child.
**"Cutting this turkey."**  answers the dad.
The doorbell then rings and the dad tells the child to go and let the guests in.  So the child goes to the door, opens it, and says...
**"Hello Bitches and Assholes, my moms in the bathroom shitting, and my dads in the kitchen fucking a turkey!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58cr6r/a_curious_child/
%
A professional golfer was...

angry when a man claimed his gorilla played better golf than the pro did.  Betting $10,000 to prove it, the pro teed up on a par five and hit a beautiful shot down the centre of the green.
The man pulled his gorilla out of a cage and handed him a club.  Pointing to the where the hole was, he teed up a ball and stood back. The gorilla swung and whacked the ball so hard it disappeared from sight, then came back into view....only to drop a foot away from the pin.
Disgusted, the golfer said "Enough of this sham!" and handed over the money.  Angry at his defeat, the golfer stormed away.
An onlooker said, astonished "So, how does he putt?"
"About the same as he drives," the gorilla's owner said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58cqu5/a_professional_golfer_was/
%
What's the difference between a mountain goat and a goldfish?

A goldfish mucks about the fountain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58cqu1/whats_the_difference_between_a_mountain_goat_and/
%
Where are all the noble gases?

They argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58cq2o/where_are_all_the_noble_gases/
%
Bob and Sean Connery were walking one day...

Bob and Sean Connery were walking one day. The leaves were turning in the trees, and the sun was shining through them.
"I shay!" Sean Connery said, "What a day to be outshide. It's shimply beautiful, ishn't it?"
"Absolutely," his friend Bob replied, admiring their surroundings. Though they had walked the wooded path many times, it never ceased to captivate them. "At this time of year, it is particularly - "
Out from a nearby cluster of bushes, a wild man suddenly leaped. He howled and whooped as he soared, completely naked, out from his hiding place and onto the path.
Bob fainted immediately, but Sean stood his ground.
With savage eyes, the wild man looked at Sean Connery up and down. Suddenly, out from god knows where, he produced a gift. Thrusting it into the arms of Sean Connery, the wild man cried out once more, and then tore off into the forest.
Slowly, Bob came to. When his senses returned he immediately thought of his friend and turned to cry: "Sean Connery!" but there was Sean next to him, unharmed.
What Bob saw baffled him. His friend knelt in the pathway with what looked like torn wrapping paper around him. He was holding a beautifully knitted stocking.
"Sean Connery," Bob said, not sure if he had hit his head on a stone. "What the hell happened? Where is the wild man? Did he not frighten you?"
"The wild man sheemsh to have run off," Sean Connery said, admiring the stocking, "and yesh! He gave me quite a shock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58cn7y/bob_and_sean_connery_were_walking_one_day/
%
Dreams.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–to find a book entitled:
“The Meaning of Dreams.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58cn3j/dreams/
%
Guys, enough with the fat jokes..

Can't you see I've got enough on my plate already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58clkc/guys_enough_with_the_fat_jokes/
%
Whats the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ckb0/whats_the_leading_cause_of_dry_skin/
%
Bob was a great guitarist

Until the day he stepped in a puddle while playing his Fender Strat, that was the moment he became a great conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ci8g/bob_was_a_great_guitarist/
%
Someone once told me "What is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right, think about how crazy people thought Noah was."

So I set aside my reservations and had sex with my daughters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ch4t/someone_once_told_me_what_is_right_is_not_always/
%
What do you call a YouTuber who turns into a werewolf?

A Lycansubscribe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58cgdl/what_do_you_call_a_youtuber_who_turns_into_a/
%
I used to be a banker

But I lost interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ce3e/i_used_to_be_a_banker/
%
A mother asks her son how things are going with his girlfriend. He replies, "It didn't work out."

"Aw, I'm sorry to hear that," says his mother. "What happened?"
The son looks confused.
"Huh? I just told you. She didn't exercise enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58cdve/a_mother_asks_her_son_how_things_are_going_with/
%
An Irishman and a baptist man walk out of a bar.....

I'm kidding that would never happen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58cb38/an_irishman_and_a_baptist_man_walk_out_of_a_bar/
%
I just bought a notebook with perforated pages...

It's tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58cad1/i_just_bought_a_notebook_with_perforated_pages/
%
Since 1782, at the age of 12, Beethoven was composing some of the greatest music ever,

of course since 1827 all he has been doing is decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58c6pb/since_1782_at_the_age_of_12_beethoven_was/
%
Have you heard of the new corduroy pillow?

It's making headlines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58c5is/have_you_heard_of_the_new_corduroy_pillow/
%
They brought the hot dog in for questioning.

He gave the... wurst... answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58c5ci/they_brought_the_hot_dog_in_for_questioning/
%
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner today.

It was just gathering dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58c4xw/i_decided_to_sell_my_vacuum_cleaner_today/
%
What's the difference between a piano,tuna and glue.

You can tune a piano.
You cant piano a tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58c4jn/whats_the_difference_between_a_pianotuna_and_glue/
%
What Do You Call A Lady President

"Dad what do you call a lady president?"
"Well son, you call a lady president 'Madam President'."
"If that's what I call a lady president, what would I call a queen?"
"You already know that one son, you call her mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58c4a8/what_do_you_call_a_lady_president/
%
I just tried out the Samsung Gear-VR with my Note 7.

It was mind-blowing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58c2on/i_just_tried_out_the_samsung_gearvr_with_my_note_7/
%
I'm really good at telling old jokes, and fixing fences...

I guess I'm just good at reposting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58c1nj/im_really_good_at_telling_old_jokes_and_fixing/
%
Blonde Joke

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58c06u/blonde_joke/
%
Today, a midget insulted me, so I had no choice but to punch him in the face...

I never thought I'd stoop so low

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58bxwh/today_a_midget_insulted_me_so_i_had_no_choice_but/
%
A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day...

It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58bxoa/a_mosquito_bit_hillary_clinton_the_other_day/
%
I remember the good Ol' days when i was young and stupid.

Now I'm just stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58bwej/i_remember_the_good_ol_days_when_i_was_young_and/
%
I've invented a solar-powered still!

It turns sunshine into moonshine.
Credit: Quirk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58bv9y/ive_invented_a_solarpowered_still/
%
I gave my phone charger a name.

I named it Binks. Charger Binks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58btov/i_gave_my_phone_charger_a_name/
%
Do you know about the Chinese author who wrote a million page book?

It was Wei Tu Long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58bpdc/do_you_know_about_the_chinese_author_who_wrote_a/
%
How do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58bmpw/how_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
I want to give a shoutout to the sidewalk

For keeping me off the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58bio5/i_want_to_give_a_shoutout_to_the_sidewalk/
%
There are three types of people in the world.

Those who know math and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58bd7s/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
What do you call a flying Jew?

Smoke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58bbjh/what_do_you_call_a_flying_jew/
%
I saw some guy stealing my front gate...

-"I saw some guy stealing my front gate."
-"Didn't you say anything?"
-"No, I thought he'd take a fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58bage/i_saw_some_guy_stealing_my_front_gate/
%
If two lesbians get married, who does the cooking?

Neither, they both eat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58b7h5/if_two_lesbians_get_married_who_does_the_cooking/
%
I'm always right. I thought i was wrong once,

But i was wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58b60k/im_always_right_i_thought_i_was_wrong_once/
%
Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: Because of the sign on the road.
Teacher: What type of sign?
Student: The sign that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58b2jl/teacher_why_are_you_late/
%
I amputated my own fingers to get a date with a cute surgeon

She finally took my digits this time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58b1pj/i_amputated_my_own_fingers_to_get_a_date_with_a/
%
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58azwp/what_did_one_ocean_say_to_the_other_ocean/
%
Never believe a masochist cannibal

They are so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58az2e/never_believe_a_masochist_cannibal/
%
Stewardess

Two days ago I was on a plane from Edmonton to Vegas. And unlucky me got the middle seat. To my right is a man who has already passed out against the window and to my left beside the isle is a nice old lady. 20 minutes into our flight the captain keys open the mic to inform us we have reached our cruising altitude and he has now removed the seatbelt sign. He forgets to key off the mic and continues to tell the copilot that he's going to take a shit, then fuck one of the stewardess. In shock one of the stewardess comes running from the back of the plane to tell him to shut the mic off. She falls beside us. The old lady helps the stewardess up and says honey there's no rush! He said he has to take a shit first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58axkb/stewardess/
%
I intend to live forever.

So far, so good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58axfo/i_intend_to_live_forever/
%
What's the difference between a bull and a Samsung Note 7?

I'm not scared when the bull charges

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58axf1/whats_the_difference_between_a_bull_and_a_samsung/
%
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58auxg/my_wifes_birthday_is_in_two_days_and_she_told_me/
%
Alcohol is our worst enemy

Good thing Jesus taught us all to love our enemies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58aulq/alcohol_is_our_worst_enemy/
%
When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,

So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58asrq/when_i_was_a_kid_my_younger_cousin_always_cheated/
%
Lottery ticket

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When i got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58aqyj/lottery_ticket/
%
What did one Nigerian Prince say to the other?

Wanna go phishing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58aqkr/what_did_one_nigerian_prince_say_to_the_other/
%
"Condoms, please."

"Do you need a bag for that?"
"No, she's not that ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58aq1c/condoms_please/
%
So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...

she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."
so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"
hahahahaha
just kidding...
I don't have a girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58amee/so_i_brought_my_girlfriend_some_flowers_today/
%
Use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence

My brothers girlfriends boobs are so big when she wears a ten button shirt she can only fascinate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ambk/use_the_word_fascinate_in_a_sentence/
%
I had sex with a woman on top of a keyboard

I made her qwert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58alod/i_had_sex_with_a_woman_on_top_of_a_keyboard/
%
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ajdx/i_wanted_to_learn_how_to_drive_a_stick_shift/
%
What does a reposted joke and your mama's tits have in common?

Seen it. Seen it. Don't care for either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ag5k/what_does_a_reposted_joke_and_your_mamas_tits/
%
What's the difference between snowmen and snow women?

Snow balls. Ha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58ae2l/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snow/
%
I'm bad at sewing

Shit, wrong thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58adxs/im_bad_at_sewing/
%
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today...

And that's just for the alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58acur/it_costs_over_235000_for_parents_to_raise_a_child/
%
What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am
We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:
Illegal Downloading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58achc/what_is_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
As I walked around aimlessly I realized something

If my life were a movie it would have pacing problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58a80t/as_i_walked_around_aimlessly_i_realized_something/
%
A new employee is being shown around a mental health facility by some of his new coworkers...

And they take him by one room and he looks inside and sees a woman throwing imaginary balls up in the air and swinging at them.  "Oh, is she hallucinating?"  "No, that's Sue.  Big tennis player. We don't have any courts so that's just how she works on her swing."
They go by another room and inside is a guy who is repeatedly taking a few steps forward and then flinging his arm forward.  "Whoa...what is going on there?"  "Oh that's Jim.  He's just bowling.  *Loves* to bowl but we don't have any bowling lanes so he does what he can to work on his game."
They pass a third room and inside is a man furiously making love to a coconut.  "Wha...what the hell?"  "Oh, that's Frank.  He's just fucking nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58a7bi/a_new_employee_is_being_shown_around_a_mental/
%
What do you call a child molester with a lot of cheese?

A pedophile with a feta pile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58a60f/what_do_you_call_a_child_molester_with_a_lot_of/
%
So a termite walks into a bar.

He then proceeds to ask, "where's the bar tender"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58a56l/so_a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Scientists have a new working theory on what happened before the Big Bang.

Your mom put an ad on Craigslist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58a3td/scientists_have_a_new_working_theory_on_what/
%
He kissed her for one last time before he...

... well, after that it was just necrophilia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58a39c/he_kissed_her_for_one_last_time_before_he/
%
Xbox One down! PS4 Down! Get an ambulance!

Wii U!
Wii U!
Wii U!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58a1s5/xbox_one_down_ps4_down_get_an_ambulance/
%
I'd love to be a mayfly.

But only for a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58a1kl/id_love_to_be_a_mayfly/
%
Banks have been using insects to adjust customers' balances and deal with financial issues.

They're the account ants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589zbt/banks_have_been_using_insects_to_adjust_customers/
%
What do a house and clean clothes have in common?

Homeless people have neither.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589z1b/what_do_a_house_and_clean_clothes_have_in_common/
%
I once was wrestling a guy and had him in a lock but couldn't make him tap out.

Sorry for the bad submission.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589y68/i_once_was_wrestling_a_guy_and_had_him_in_a_lock/
%
Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589xmf/modern_technology_has_never_matched_the/
%
I was arrested for assault with a chicken.

The cops suspected foul play.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589xl6/i_was_arrested_for_assault_with_a_chicken/
%
Hillary and Trump tie in the election...

And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589ujp/hillary_and_trump_tie_in_the_election/
%
Two peanuts were walking down the street

One was a salted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589sf0/two_peanuts_were_walking_down_the_street/
%
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket.

"Some asshole's got my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589qjo/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
%
When my friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo...

...I just had to put my foot down...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589mvp/when_my_friend_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a/
%
What do you call a budget circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589ko4/what_do_you_call_a_budget_circumcision/
%
since I worked on my problem with exaggerated arrogance, I'm a much better person.

better than you all together!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589jkh/since_i_worked_on_my_problem_with_exaggerated/
%
There's a sticky penis on my doormat...

It must've come in the post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589iau/theres_a_sticky_penis_on_my_doormat/
%
Five atheists are driving in a car

when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church.
A sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!"
The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away!
Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash!
One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589g5k/five_atheists_are_driving_in_a_car/
%
Two Italian men get on a bus...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm
just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589ehi/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
%
School is like a boner...

.... It's long and hard unless you're Asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589e2t/school_is_like_a_boner/
%
Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589bpd/whenever_im_in_trouble_i_think_what_would_jesus_do/
%
There are 10 kinds of people in the world

Those who know binary, and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589bea/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
%
A battery, a bra, and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar

The bra approaches the barman and asks for 3 beers, which the barman refuses to serve her. The bra then asks why, to which the barman responds, "You're off your tits, and those two look like they're going to start something".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/589af4/a_battery_a_bra_and_a_pair_of_jumper_leads_walk/
%
Samsung left the stage with one final note

It made social media blow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5899r5/samsung_left_the_stage_with_one_final_note/
%
I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"

... so I turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5898rf/i_found_a_wallet_today_and_as_a_good_christian_i/
%
Two muffins are in an oven.

The first muffin looks at the other one and say, "Oh my god we're gonna die in here!"
The other muffin looks back and says, "Holy Moly!  A talking muffin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5896ec/two_muffins_are_in_an_oven/
%
What has 400 legs and 23 teeth?

The front row of a Trump rally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5896bi/what_has_400_legs_and_23_teeth/
%
You should never tease a fat girl with a lisp.

She's probably thick and tired of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5895pm/you_should_never_tease_a_fat_girl_with_a_lisp/
%
Whats the difference between a hormone and an enzyme???

You can't hear an enzyme, but you can hear a hormone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5895c0/whats_the_difference_between_a_hormone_and_an/
%
Why was the lawyer home early?

Briefcase

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5894hg/why_was_the_lawyer_home_early/
%
What did one paedophile say to the other?

Swap you two fives for a ten

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5892yp/what_did_one_paedophile_say_to_the_other/
%
Where do hamsters go to smoke pot?

Hamsterdam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5892hc/where_do_hamsters_go_to_smoke_pot/
%
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel prize?

I heard he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58927a/did_you_hear_about_the_scarecrow_who_won_a_nobel/
%
Dinosaur joke

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A Lickalottapuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58907o/dinosaur_joke/
%
My doctor prescribed me viagra and ex-lax today.

Now I don't know if I'm coming or going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/588x37/my_doctor_prescribed_me_viagra_and_exlax_today/
%
Pulling Together

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn’t move.
"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn’t budge.
"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy’s blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/588w1q/pulling_together/
%
A pregnant woman boards a bus.

After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.
They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny"
"I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/588sy3/a_pregnant_woman_boards_a_bus/
%
I was sexually assaulted by a ghost.

Didn't see it cuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/588p2b/i_was_sexually_assaulted_by_a_ghost/
%
A man finds an armless/legless girl on the beach... [NSFW]

A man finds an armless and legless girl crying on the beach.
He asks her, "Why are you crying?"
"In my whole life, I've never been kissed."
So, he leans down and kisses her. Then as he's walking away, he hears her crying even more.
"Why are you still crying?" the man asks.
"In my whole life, i've never been fucked."
He picks her up and throws her into the ocean.
"Well, you're fucked now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/588oob/a_man_finds_an_armlesslegless_girl_on_the_beach/
%
Timbuktu

A man dies and goes up to heaven. Outside the pearly gates he meets Saint Peter and another man that he has never seen. Saint Peter informs the two men that heaven is almost full; there is only one spot left and the two men died at exactly the same time, so they are going to have a competition to decide who gets in. Saint Peter thinks for a moment and comes up with the idea of "Whoever can make the best poem about... oh I don't know... Timbuktu, will get into heaven".
They decide that the other man will go first. As it turns out, he's a famous poet, and he rattles off a beautiful sonnet about the sunsets in Timbuktu. When he finishes, Saint Peter is in awe.
The man, knowing that he is under a lot of pressure, thinks for a minute, and comes up with this: "Me and Tim, a huntin' we went, met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three and we was two, so I bucked one and Timbuktu".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/588n03/timbuktu/
%
I hate being bipolar.

It's awesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/588mui/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
I wanted to make a chemistry joke...

But I'm too basic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/588k2u/i_wanted_to_make_a_chemistry_joke/
%
So I heard they're demolishing Hitlers house

Anne Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't do it already. I hope they step on the gas and burn the place down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/588e08/so_i_heard_theyre_demolishing_hitlers_house/
%
My missus asked me where her Valentine's day card was.

I said, "Sorry, I had a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/588axl/my_missus_asked_me_where_her_valentines_day_card/
%
A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses,...

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner." "Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding Rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/588asq/a_lady_goes_to_her_priest_one_day_and_confesses/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph. He's too short to be an esé

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5889oa/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
Hey girl, are you a repost?

Because I fucking hate you and wish you didn't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5889c3/hey_girl_are_you_a_repost/
%
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?

I don't know. It's a Mistery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58808c/what_did_one_cloud_of_fog_say_to_the_other/
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I'm pretty bad at building fences

Oops, wrong place for this post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587yy6/im_pretty_bad_at_building_fences/
%
Nobel Prize Joke

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech; the driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium.
The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his question for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says "That question is so simple I'll let my driver in the back answer it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587yxi/nobel_prize_joke/
%
Why do Italian men have mustaches?

They want to look like their mothers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587ws7/why_do_italian_men_have_mustaches/
%
What are the three worst words to hear while having sex?

Honey, I'm home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587wcc/what_are_the_three_worst_words_to_hear_while/
%
Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.
At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.
He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off.
He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.
The cop was dumbfounded.
'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.
'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587sf6/excuse_me_sir_how_much_have_you_had_to_drink/
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Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587s7l/father_when_abe_lincoln_was_your_age_he_walked_9/
%
I read the instruction manual for my new watch

It was about time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587png/i_read_the_instruction_manual_for_my_new_watch/
%
Why is Monica Lewinsky voting Trump?

The Clinton's leave a bad taste in her mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587opt/why_is_monica_lewinsky_voting_trump/
%
I quit smoking for good

Now I smoke for evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587ojf/i_quit_smoking_for_good/
%
Life is like toilet paper

You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587nur/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
%
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

BA NA NA NA!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587lxo/what_is_beethovens_favorite_fruit/
%
I called a guy with dwarfism a 'midget'

He was a little offended

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587lc8/i_called_a_guy_with_dwarfism_a_midget/
%
A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar.

He sits down and orders a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587l10/a_priest_a_pedophile_and_a_rapist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Joe & Chester

Joe and Chester, two old-timers, are playing checkers.  Joe says, "You know, Chester, as your next-door neighbor, I need to tell you somethin'.  You should put up heavier curtains on your bedroom window."
"What makes you say that, Joe?"
"Well, sometimes at night I'll look over at your house, and I can see things I shouldn't oughta see."
"Like what?"
"Last night for instance... I looked over and could see you makin' love to your wife."
"Pffft!  That shows how good your eyesight is.  I wasn't even home last night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587kop/joe_chester/
%
I hope Hilary gets elected.

So taxpayers can save 23% on paying the presidential salary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587k43/i_hope_hilary_gets_elected/
%
What has nine arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587iy3/what_has_nine_arms_and_sucks/
%
Captain's log...

The first mate on a ship got drunk one day, and the captain entered it into the log: "The first mate was drunk today."
The first mate begged the captain to remove the entry, but the captain was adamant that once an entry was in the book it could never be removed.
The next day it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry, and in it he wrote: "The captain was sober today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587irm/captains_log/
%
A blonde walks into a salon with headphones over her ears...

... the hairstylist she goes to is baffled by the headphones, and when he tries to take them off, the blonde swats his hand and says, "No!  Don't take them off!"  So the stylist cuts around them.
The blonde becomes a regular to the salon, always wearing the headphones.  One day, the stylist becomes so angry with the woman, and take off the headphones.
When he does, the blonde falls to floor and is unconscious.  The stylist freaks out and immediately checks on the blonde.  She isn't breathing.  He sits for a second and wonders, "What the hell was she listening to?", so he puts the headphones over his ears and hears "Breathe in, breathe out... breathe in, breathe out..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587g4k/a_blonde_walks_into_a_salon_with_headphones_over/
%
A piece of string walks into a bar...

and tries to order a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here"
The string goes back outside, ties himself up, and messes up his hair.
The string goes back into the bar and orders again.
The bartender asks, "Aren't you that piece of string?"
"No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587d35/a_piece_of_string_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I like telling science puns...

Just to see the reaction...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587cl5/i_like_telling_science_puns/
%
A short man walks into a bar

Upon walking in, something drips on him from the ceiling. He looks up and sees a piece of steak. He asks the bartender why there's a steak on the ceiling.
The bartender tells him if he could jump up and touch the steak, he gets free drinks for the rest of the night. If he misses, he pays for everyone's drink.
The man looks at the steak, then back at the bartender and says....
'The steaks are too high.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587c0d/a_short_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Wife to her Husband

Wife to her husband: "I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/587a2c/wife_to_her_husband/
%
The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5879hn/the_difference_between_having_guts_and_having/
%
An alcoholic walks into a bar every day...

His entire life is a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5878wi/an_alcoholic_walks_into_a_bar_every_day/
%
I have enough money saved to live happy for the rest of my life.

If I die next Thursday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5876bw/i_have_enough_money_saved_to_live_happy_for_the/
%
People who like trance music are very persistent

They don't techno for an answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5876bf/people_who_like_trance_music_are_very_persistent/
%
Where does the pervert keep the underwear he steals?

In his briefcase!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5873hu/where_does_the_pervert_keep_the_underwear_he/
%
What do you call a fat mexican jedi?

Obese Juan Kenobi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58733r/what_do_you_call_a_fat_mexican_jedi/
%
I think my roommate might be gay

his dick tastes like shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5872wm/i_think_my_roommate_might_be_gay/
%
Girl, are you astrophysics?

Because I don't know enough about you to finish this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5871bw/girl_are_you_astrophysics/
%
Why couldn't the sun go to college? (Corny)

Because he already has a million degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/586ylt/why_couldnt_the_sun_go_to_college_corny/
%
A Spanish man, a Portuguese man a hot busty blonde woman and a fat chick are on a train, a few minutes into the journey the train passes through a tunnel, darkness ensues and the sound of a loud slap is heard

, immediately after the train leaves the tunnel the Spanish man's face is glowing red from the slap. The blonde thought: The Spanish man tried to grab my tits but got the fat chick instead and she slapped him. The fat chick thought: the Spanish man tried to grab the blonde's tits and she slapped him. The Spanish man thought: The Portuguese tried to grab the blonde's tits and she thought it was me, and the Portuguese man thought: My god I hope another tunnel comes along so I can slap this Spanish cunt again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/586rs1/a_spanish_man_a_portuguese_man_a_hot_busty_blonde/
%
A lumberjack walks into a shop to buy a chainsaw...

The shopkeeper picks one out and says "this one can cut down 5 trees in 2 minutes". The lumberjack is impressed by this and buys the chainsaw. 2 days later, the lumberjack comes back to the shop with the chainsaw and asks for a refund.
"This is a complete rip-off, I only managed to cut down 1 tree over the space of an hour!"
The shopkeeper takes the chainsaw and turns it on only for the lumberjack to suddenly jump in surprise.
"What's that noise?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/586pzw/a_lumberjack_walks_into_a_shop_to_buy_a_chainsaw/
%
I told a girl today she painted her eyebrows on too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/586prl/i_told_a_girl_today_she_painted_her_eyebrows_on/
%
Theres Mama Bird, a Baby Bird, and a Brother Bird

One day baby bird comes up to mama bird and asks, "mama, how come my beak is different than brother bird?" Mama bird, caught off gaurd for a second, lets out a sigh and says, "baby bird. Ive been waiting for the right time to tell you this, but I guess this is as good a time any. Baby Bird the truth is...you're adapted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/586lvs/theres_mama_bird_a_baby_bird_and_a_brother_bird/
%
2 sheep are standing on a hill

One turns to the other and says "Baaa!".
The other sheep says "I was just going to say that".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/586l64/2_sheep_are_standing_on_a_hill/
%
What does a mermaid wear to math class

An algae-bra
I'm not sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/586l2r/what_does_a_mermaid_wear_to_math_class/
%
The three unwritten rules of life.

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/586k1f/the_three_unwritten_rules_of_life/
%
Today I met a midget in a KKK outfit.

I knew right away he was a little racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/586g3d/today_i_met_a_midget_in_a_kkk_outfit/
%
If you can think of a better fish joke

Let minnow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/586ft5/if_you_can_think_of_a_better_fish_joke/
%
Comedy is like a baby shower

Useless if the delivery goes wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5869se/comedy_is_like_a_baby_shower/
%
I told my boss that when I get nervous, I like to imagine my audience naked...

... she said I should probably stop teaching the 2nd grade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5867f5/i_told_my_boss_that_when_i_get_nervous_i_like_to/
%
Two cows were talking in a field..

One said to the other, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other says, "Yeah, good thing we're penguins".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5864bl/two_cows_were_talking_in_a_field/
%
Two guys were talking...

One of they said: "One day i found a magic genius, he offered me two things: A bunch of hot women's or a good memory." What did you choose? The other said. "I can't remember..."
#ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58643s/two_guys_were_talking/
%
Riddle me this, Batman. What do you find in an alley that has holes in it?

"M-my parents?"
"No!  A bowling ball!  I'm so sorry..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585z1j/riddle_me_this_batman_what_do_you_find_in_an/
%
I've always stood up for black people.

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585xjv/ive_always_stood_up_for_black_people/
%
They say that dog is mans best friend ...

... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585vzb/they_say_that_dog_is_mans_best_friend/
%
Why was the 1 Year old african boy crying?

He was having a midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585uri/why_was_the_1_year_old_african_boy_crying/
%
What do you call math that gives you PTSD?

Triggernometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585rgu/what_do_you_call_math_that_gives_you_ptsd/
%
A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde.  "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang.  Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585qqs/a_woman_heard_that_her_blonde_friend_was_in_the/
%
Two explorers are caught by one of the local tribes and taken to the chief

The chief tells the men that they have to be punished for the crime of trespassing and must chose their punishment: death or kuskus.
The first explorer exclaims "Anything is better than death; I will chose kuskus!"
"Very well," says the chief and nods his head. A large man steps forwards and proceeds to have his way sexually with the explorer.
Seeing the horror and humiliation, the second explorer explains "I chose my dignity; I chose death!"
"Very well," says the chief, "death by kuskus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585qdw/two_explorers_are_caught_by_one_of_the_local/
%
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra.

It was a booby-trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585pzy/i_walked_into_my_sisters_room_and_tripped_on_a_bra/
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The Island of Trid

Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.
Most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would pick them up and kick them into the ocean where they usually drowned.
The Trids were very fruitful and multiplied greatly, thus the population had grown extremely large. Every square inch of the island, except for the mountain, was crowded with Trids.
The Trids spent their days crowded together dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand it any longer and would proceed to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.
One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to him.
The Rabbi decided to return the favor and go plead the Trids' case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.
The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored,"The Giant will kick you into the ocean and you will surely drown."
The rabbi was stubborn and insisted he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.
The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain, but there was no sign of the Giant.
He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.
He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.
Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked, "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"
The Giant chuckled saying, "Don't you know? Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585nwg/the_island_of_trid/
%
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?

There, they're, their.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585npr/how_do_you_comfort_a_grammar_fanatic/
%
Why have sumo wrestlers began shaving their legs?

They were getting tired of being mistaken for feminists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585nbd/why_have_sumo_wrestlers_began_shaving_their_legs/
%
Why can't Ray Charles drive?

He's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585mmf/why_cant_ray_charles_drive/
%
I don't always tell Dad jokes...

But I've been saving the best ones for twenty years, and we're going have such a laugh when he comes back with those smokes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585leq/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
I thought my witty comeback was completely original....

Turns out it was a riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585k1f/i_thought_my_witty_comeback_was_completely/
%
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job at the construction site...

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585dju/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_was/
%
A Quebecker and a Newfie are sitting in a bar watching the 10 o'clock news...

... and they see a story about a man standing atop a building contemplating suicide. The Quebecker turns to the Newfie and says:
"I bet you $100 that guys going to jump."
"You're on", says the Newfie.
They watch for several more minutes, and then watch as the man swan dives to his death. The Newfie grabs his wallet, and starts counting out bills. The Quebecker says:
"Keep your money. To be honest, I saw this story on the 6 o'clock news, so I already knew what was going to happen."
The Newfie replies, "That's alright, you deserve it. I also watched the 6 o'clock news, and to be honest, I didn't think that guy was going to jump again!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585ccw/a_quebecker_and_a_newfie_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
A man walks into work with a smile

Every morning, he walks in and passes the security guard with a great big grin on his face. One day, bleary eyed, the security guard asks him why he's so chipper every morning.
"Well, it's simple. Every morning when my alarm goes off, I rub my wife on the shoulder and say 'Blondie, Blondie, eyes so blue; How I thrill to make sweet love to you.' Then I get a quicky and my day is gold. You should try it"
The next day, the man sees the security guard is covered in bruises with one eye swelled shut. "What the hell happened to you?"
The guard responds, "I took your advice! I rubbed my wife on the shoulder, told her a poem, and she beat the holy hell out of me!"
"What did you tell her?"
"Nappy head, nappy head, green eyes like a frog; If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd fuck you like a dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5859xc/a_man_walks_into_work_with_a_smile/
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Put the punchline in the title.

How do you ruin a good joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5857wj/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
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Timbuktu

Two gentlemen are sitting at the pearly gates waiting to speak with St. Peter.  St. Peter asks them both to recite a poem using the word Timbuktu.
They sat there for a bit and the first guy says "While sitting on the ocean shore, listening to the ocean roar, I saw a ship passing through, it's destination, Timbuktu."  St. Peter smiled and allowed him through the gates.
The second guy was having a very hard time coming up with a poem.  After a long while he finally says "Tim and I, a walking we went, spotted three maidens in a tent.  While they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuktu."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5856wn/timbuktu/
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A novellist walks into a publisher's

A man walks into a publisher's with the first novel he's ever written, knowing the publisher is keen. "Right!", he says to the publisher comfortably. "I want three things; I want to make lots of money, I want it translated into 15 languages, and I want it to be republished for the rest of time!"
The publisher opens one of his accountancy books. "It's going to be difficult, but we'll do our best for your book".
The writer comes back the next week to find that the book can only go on sale for $5 per copy. "Dammit!" he says. "At least if it gets translated into 15 languages and gets republished, I'll be happy I guess."
The publisher opens another accountancy book. "That will be difficult aswell, but we'll do our best for your book".
The writer comes back the next week to find that the only languages his book can be translated into are gaelic and vulcan. "Dammit!" he says. "This is a disaster! I can't get anything I want! Can you just make it so my writing will be republished every week for eternity?!"
"That's simple" the publisher says. "Just post it on /r/jokes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5856vp/a_novellist_walks_into_a_publishers/
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What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekly
Try Weekly
and
Try Weakly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5852bk/what_are_the_3_stages_of_sex_after_marriage/
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What's a slutty witch's favorite holiday?

Swalloween!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5851fv/whats_a_slutty_witchs_favorite_holiday/
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What do you call an Ox with a gluten allergy?

A silly-yak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58511a/what_do_you_call_an_ox_with_a_gluten_allergy/
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Billy's Wife is Cheating

Billy comes home early from work, only to find his wife sleeping with another man. He gets sad, then he gets really angry.
Billy angrily pulls up his gun and points it at the guy. Billy's wife tries to calm Billy but Billy doesn't even listen to her. Billy shouts!
"Stay inside! I don't want you to see this."
Then Billy takes the man outside, Billy whispers at him:
"No one has to die. I'll pretend like I shot us both. Whoever she runs to, is the person she loves. Okay?"
The other guy, who is calmer now, agrees. They do the trick. Billy fires to the air twice, then they both pretend to be dead.
Billy's wife comes outside to see them both laying on the floor. She turns back and talks:
"Okay. They both look dead! You can come out of the closet now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/585009/billys_wife_is_cheating/
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I was once raped by a gang of mimes.

They performed unspeakable things to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584zvd/i_was_once_raped_by_a_gang_of_mimes/
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My friend had party the other night and didn't invite me, only midgets.

He said it was just a little get together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584zkb/my_friend_had_party_the_other_night_and_didnt/
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Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584wlr/smoking_two_cigarettes_at_once/
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What is the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland?

Well for starters the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584wj5/what_is_the_biggest_advantage_of_living_in/
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Where do you hide after killing a black person?

Behind a badge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584wh8/where_do_you_hide_after_killing_a_black_person/
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Did you hear about the gay midget?

He came out of the cupboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584w1m/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_midget/
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I was talking to a girl about the establishment of the 4th Reich when a girl told me that I was being politically incorrect

Apparently the proper term is "European Union"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584til/i_was_talking_to_a_girl_about_the_establishment/
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What are people afraid of puns called?

Homophonic
I'm sorry...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584n6n/what_are_people_afraid_of_puns_called/
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What's the difference between a seal and sea lion?

One electron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584m98/whats_the_difference_between_a_seal_and_sea_lion/
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What has a ring but no fingers?

The former owner of a Note 7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584m3n/what_has_a_ring_but_no_fingers/
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What is Minecraft?

It's Hitler's lesser known second book about his love of knitting. Officially the title is Mein Kraft but, the kids like this spelling more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584ka0/what_is_minecraft/
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Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired?

She didn't have control of her pupils

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584ju5/why_did_the_crosseyed_teacher_get_fired/
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In LGBTQ acronym, "Q" stands for "queer" or "questioning"...

It's the "Don't ask, can't tell" sexual orientation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584ici/in_lgbtq_acronym_q_stands_for_queer_or_questioning/
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The thing with people who are bad at counting calories..

..is that they have the figures to prove it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584dkc/the_thing_with_people_who_are_bad_at_counting/
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SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/584bnc/sister_mary_anns_gasoline/
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Why are doctors always calm?

They have a lot of patients.
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5848f5/why_are_doctors_always_calm/
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Two hunters are lost in woods.

After spending several hours wandering through the woods, Bob and Jim are thoroughly lost. Disorientated, they sit down to discuss what to do next. "Hey, I have an idea," says Bob. "If we each fire three shots into the air, someone will hear them and come to help us."
Jim agrees, so each of them fires their shots. An hour later, nobody has come to help, so they decide to fire three more shots. Another hour passes - still no one.
"Okay lets try this one more time" says Bob.
"Dude, this had better work," replies Jim. "These are our last arrows".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5846u8/two_hunters_are_lost_in_woods/
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I think my coworkers are gay

Every time I walk by, they mumble "what an ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5845gw/i_think_my_coworkers_are_gay/
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Your favorite drink must be ginger ale.....

cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5843o4/your_favorite_drink_must_be_ginger_ale/
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Use the word great in a sentence...

Three men are sitting in a lobby waiting for a job interview.  They make a deal that they will share what was discussed in the interview on their way out.
The first guy goes in and the interviewer says "Please use the word great in a sentence."  The man thinks for a minute and responds, "I had a leather jacket and it was great!".  The interviewer seems pleased with the answer and sends the first guy on his way.  On the way out he tells the other two waiting what he was asked and told them to say "I had a leather jacket at it was great!"
The second guy gets called in and sure enough, the interviewer asked him to use the word great in a sentence.  He responded "I had a leather jacket and it was great!"  The interviewer smiles and sends the second guy on his way.  On the way out the second guy reassures the third guy that answering the question with "I had a leather jacket and it was great!" will please the interviewer.
Meanwhile, the interviewer realizes that they men are talking on their way out...
The third guy walks in and sits down.  The interviewer said, "Please use the word fascinate in a sentence."  The third guy starts to get very nervous and struggles to come up with a response.  Finally he says, "I had a leather jacket and it was great.  It had nine buttons but I could only fascinate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5843mn/use_the_word_great_in_a_sentence/
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Venezuelan and American in Hell

A Venezuelan and American arrive in Hell at the same time, Hell is short-staffed, and so they have orientation together. They are told part of their punishment is eating buckets of human excrement. Normally they would be segregated by nationality, but since they are together now they can each choose which part of Hell they want to end up in.
"What's the difference between American and Venezuelan Hell?" asks the American.
"In American Hell you have to eat one bucket of excrement a day, in Venezuelan Hell you have to eat 5 buckets of excrement." he is told.
"Well, I'm definitely picking American Hell." he decides.
"What about you?" the Venezuelan is asked.
The Venezuelan thinks about it and says, "I have been a Venezuelan all my life and I will spend eternity in Venezuelan Hell."
The American is surprised and tries to talk his new friend into joining him in American Hell, pointing out how much less excrement he'll have to eat, but the Venezuelan is undeterred.
A few months later the Venezuelan sees the American in the distance and goes over to say hi. He asks him how things are in American Hell.
"It is Hell," says the American, "but after I eat my bucket of excrement I have the rest of the day to myself. How about you?"
"Well, you know Venezuela. Some days the excrement doesn't show up and when it does there's never enough for everybody."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58432b/venezuelan_and_american_in_hell/
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What are sometimes moist, smells bad and requires going down to get in it?

Basements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5841cj/what_are_sometimes_moist_smells_bad_and_requires/
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Knock Knock Joke (created by a 4yo)

Knock knock
- Who's there?
Apple
- Apple who?
*pause*
APPLE NOTHING!  APPLES DON'T SAY ANYTHING!  YOU'RE SO WEIRD, DADDY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58409r/knock_knock_joke_created_by_a_4yo/
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Russian History in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/583vua/russian_history_in_5_words/
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A man and wife wake up one Saturday morning...

the man turns to his wife and says, "Honey, are you ready for our fishing trip? I've been excited for weeks.".
The woman turns over, not impressed, "you know I hate fishing. I know I said I'd go, but can you not ask a friend?"
"No, you promised! I'll make you a deal. You can either come on the trip, or give me a blowjob before I head out. I'll go get the dog ready and pack up my tackle box."
So the man returns back to his wife and asks, "have you made your decision?" The wife proceeds to unbutton his pants and start to go down on him. After a few seconds she realizes how bad it tastes! "WTF! Why does your dick taste so bad?"
The husband responds, "the dog didn't want to go fishing either".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/583vkp/a_man_and_wife_wake_up_one_saturday_morning/
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A teenage boy goes up to his father

"Father I am not a virgin anymore"
Father: "Wow that's great! Lets sit down and drink something celebrate about this moment"
Son: "Ok, I can drink with you but I can't  sit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/583po9/a_teenage_boy_goes_up_to_his_father/
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"It's a boy! " Frank exclaimed. "It's a boy!"

And he never visited Bangkok ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/583p1t/its_a_boy_frank_exclaimed_its_a_boy/
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I once worked in a pathology lab...

...but I was asked to leave after one of my reports said "cause of death: autopsy:"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/583obi/i_once_worked_in_a_pathology_lab/
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A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefor I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/583lrw/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_pint/
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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room....

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/583jnw/two_boys_were_arguing_when_the_teacher_entered/
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There was an old lady at a ATM today, she asked me if I could help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/583ijv/there_was_an_old_lady_at_a_atm_today_she_asked_me/
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Brains

After the woman gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside: "I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean he has a penis and a brain?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/583icb/brains/
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I call my penis Bernie Sanders...

...because it leans far left and stands up for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/583hgf/i_call_my_penis_bernie_sanders/
%
Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said "You've got the wrong house then, mate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/583euq/some_guy_knocked_on_my_door_today_and_said_i_have/
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Math Professor Joke

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/583che/math_professor_joke/
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While climbing barefoot up mountains to meditate, Ghandi would squeeze garlic into his mouth to deal with hunger pains from fasting

super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/583aei/while_climbing_barefoot_up_mountains_to_meditate/
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"I was born in California............

"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5836dm/i_was_born_in_california/
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I was fired from my job as a bingo caller....

....apparently "a meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5836db/i_was_fired_from_my_job_as_a_bingo_caller/
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What do you call a Mexican who lost his car ?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58368j/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
Why does Tiger have to take so many baths?

Because he plays with Pooh all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5835an/why_does_tiger_have_to_take_so_many_baths/
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What do you call the Lord and Savior of all pizzas?

Cheesus Crust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5834fe/what_do_you_call_the_lord_and_savior_of_all_pizzas/
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My wife has a logic fetish...

She's always coming to conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5832ox/my_wife_has_a_logic_fetish/
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A man walks into a bar with a monkey.

The bartender says "get that monkey out of here, no animals allowed in the bar!" The man says, "he is very well trained, let him stay". The bartender nods and says, "what'll it be?". The man orders a beer, amd then a few more. After he's good and drink he slides a beer to his monkey. The monkey downs the beer in one huge gulp amd goes crazy. He swings all around the bar, knocking over glasses etc. He runs onto the pool table and grabs the cue ball, swallowing it whole. The bartender catches the monkey and throws him and the man out. A couple weeks later the man returs with the monkey. He begs the bartender to let him in and he concedes. The man drinks a few beers, and after he's good and drunk he slides one over to the monkey.  The monkey downs the beer in one gulp and goes crazy, knocking things over and swinging off the lights. The monkey grabs a cherry, shoves it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender asks "why the hell Did your monkey shove that cherry up his ass then eat it?". The man says "after that cue ball he makes sure everything fits first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5832ot/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_monkey/
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There once was a man who loved tractors...

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride". Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky. Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5830pm/there_once_was_a_man_who_loved_tractors/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/582zj8/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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I went to see a night of XXX short films!

Imagine my disappointment when it was just 30 Roman movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/582ymc/i_went_to_see_a_night_of_xxx_short_films/
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I saw my midget neighbour on my way home today .

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/582x9y/i_saw_my_midget_neighbour_on_my_way_home_today/
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Food is like dark humor

not every one gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/582vp5/food_is_like_dark_humor/
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Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because classical conditioning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/582ucx/why_was_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
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What happened at the funeral of the man who invented the USB?

They lowered his coffin, took it out, flipped it the other way round, then lowered it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/582qrj/what_happened_at_the_funeral_of_the_man_who/
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the similarities between a wife and a grenade

if you pull the ring off, the house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/582q3y/the_similarities_between_a_wife_and_a_grenade/
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed...

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/582ols/my_wife_and_i_were_watching_who_wants_to_be_a/
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Isn't it so wierd when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/582cge/isnt_it_so_wierd_when_youre_thinking_about/
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What starts with an A and has a boom at the end?

Allahu akbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/582ceb/what_starts_with_an_a_and_has_a_boom_at_the_end/
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A man and his wife are woken up at 3 am by a knock on the door

The husband goes downstairs to answer it, and finds a drunk on his porch soaked from the heavy rain outside.
"Can I help you?" asks the husband.
"Yes I'd like a 'push' please," replies the drunk.
The husband replies, "Not a chance, it's 3 in the morning!" and slams the door shut in the stranger's face.
"Who was that?" asks the wife as he returns to bed.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a 'push'," replies the husband.
"Did you help him?" she asks
"Absolutely not! It's 3 in the morning and it's pouring out there!" he responds.
"Well you have a short memory, " says the wife. "Don't you remember about 3 months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and be ashamed of yourself! Even drunks deserve a chance."
"You're right, " admits the husband. Ashamed, he puts on a coat and runs outside in the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" He calls out once again.
"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here.....on the swing," replied the drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/582buz/a_man_and_his_wife_are_woken_up_at_3_am_by_a/
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The Pope dies.

...and stands in front of St. Peter.
"I would like to get into heaven. I am the pope."
"The what?"
"The pope. Vicar of God on earth."
"Ehm... let me check that. I'll be back."
Pete to God:
"There is a guy outside, calls himself the pope."
"The pope?"
"Yeah, he says he is your Vicar on earth."
"Hmmm. Never heard of him. Let's ask Jesus."
"Son, do you know anything about a pope? He is standing in front of the gates and wishes to enter."
"No idea... but I will talk to him."
A few minutes later Jesus returns, shaking with laughter:
"Apparently this club of fishermen I founded 2000 years ago still exists."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/582bpf/the_pope_dies/
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I was walking along and I saw a guy fall into a nest of mosquitoes...

...it was malarious!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/582bfe/i_was_walking_along_and_i_saw_a_guy_fall_into_a/
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How do pigs gets to hospital?

In a hambulance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5829aa/how_do_pigs_gets_to_hospital/
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'I'm sorry' and 'my bad' are frequently used interchangeably...

... but never at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5827zj/im_sorry_and_my_bad_are_frequently_used/
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A straight man walks into a gay bar...

A straight man walks into a gay bar and immediately takes a seat at the bar. He had never been in that particular bar before, and it didn't take long for him to notice that a majority of the patrons in the bar were farting openly. The thing is, all of the farts he noticed were "airy" sounding and almost silent. He found that odd, but continued drinking his beer and chatting with the guys at the bar.
After a few minutes, he felt a roarin' butt-cough coming and decided to just let it rip since everyone else seemed okay with it. He shifted in his seat and let loose a loud, juicy, growler of a fart. Immediately he noticed that the men around him perked up and started glancing at him. After a few minutes, the guy to his left spoke up and said "So uhh... you're a virigin huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5827ro/a_straight_man_walks_into_a_gay_bar/
%
My friend asked if I knew what kind of sweater he was wearing.

I said I had no idea, he said "Guess."
"Hollister?"
"No. Guess."
"North face?"
"No... Guess"
I sill don't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5826rj/my_friend_asked_if_i_knew_what_kind_of_sweater_he/
%
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?

Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5826ee/have_you_ever_tried_ethiopian_food/
%
How does Davy Crockett like his pie?

Alamo'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5825ly/how_does_davy_crockett_like_his_pie/
%
How do you catch a wild bra?

Set a booby trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58227b/how_do_you_catch_a_wild_bra/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58223v/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Have you seen that old movie about the KKK?

I hear it's a real cult classic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58220h/have_you_seen_that_old_movie_about_the_kkk/
%
What does a tornado and a woman have in common?

It starts with a little blowing but at the end your house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/581zfb/what_does_a_tornado_and_a_woman_have_in_common/
%
You know how birds fly in a V and sometimes one side is longer than the other? You know why that is?

It's because there are more birds on that side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/581xo7/you_know_how_birds_fly_in_a_v_and_sometimes_one/
%
The artist jumped from a bridge, carrying all of his favorite paints and pastels.

At least he passed with flying colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/581xjp/the_artist_jumped_from_a_bridge_carrying_all_of/
%
Blonde Joke gone bad

Brother: Why did the blonde climb over the transparent glass wall?
Sister: I don't know, why?
Brother: To see what was on the other side.
Sister: Pause. *Confused Look.* Wait.. but.. why didn't she just walk around it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/581wws/blonde_joke_gone_bad/
%
What's the difference between a group of Pakastani School Girls and a group of ISIS soldiers..

Don't ask me I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/581vyh/whats_the_difference_between_a_group_of_pakastani/
%
If thieves ever broke into my house, searching for money...

...I'd just laugh and search with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/581vju/if_thieves_ever_broke_into_my_house_searching_for/
%
I thought removing a snail's shell would make it faster...

Turns out, it only makes it more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/581vbs/i_thought_removing_a_snails_shell_would_make_it/
%
Three men arrive at the gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter who introduces them to an angel to show them where they would be staying.

These men were greeted by this angel who says to them
"You're going to be spending a lot of time here in heaven and there is a lot to see, but first I'll show you where you guys will be staying."
So they began down the gold streets and into a neighborhood with large houses, the types of houses that you would find in the wealthiest part of town. They arrive at a large house and they all walk up to the door. The angel says to the first man,"This is where you will be staying, lets see who you will be spending it with" so they rang the doorbell and it was answered by a pretty ugly looking woman and the first man said to the angel
"I know I didn't live that great of a life but why her?"  The angel responded, "because you cheated on your taxes."
So they left the first man and headed up the road and the houses were getting bigger and bigger, eventually they stopped at a massive house. Again they went up to the door and were greeted by another ugly looking woman. The Second man who was pretty upset asked "I lived a great life I fed the homeless every weekend and spent all of my time helping others. Why her?" The angel replied "Because you cheated on your taxes that one time remember." The man remembered and the angel and the last man were on their way again.
Walking up the road, the houses getting bigger and bigger finally they stopped at a house the size of a shopping mall and they approached the front door. The last man was anxious to meet the woman who he would be spending eternity with and they were greeted at the door by the most beautiful woman anyone had ever seen. The last man was very confused and asked the angel "How did I end up with her?" the angel replied, "Because she cheated on her taxes."
I heard this joke from my Econ Teacher and it's been my favorite ver since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/581r8r/three_men_arrive_at_the_gates_of_heaven_and_are/
%
Why can't astronauts eat popsicles?

In space, no one can hear the ice cream truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/581mim/why_cant_astronauts_eat_popsicles/
%
Why didn't Ken ever get Barbie pregnant?

because he always came in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/581k2j/why_didnt_ken_ever_get_barbie_pregnant/
%
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/581ipc/what_does_bill_say_to_hillary_after_sex/
%
A wise statistician once told me:

Be thankful you have more hands than average.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/581gjt/a_wise_statistician_once_told_me/
%
How does a backwards poet write?

Inverse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/581duq/how_does_a_backwards_poet_write/
%
What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58191i/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
Dad: "Go to your room now!"

Child: *storms off* "Jim Morrison was overrated!"
Dad: "What did I tell you about slamming the Doors?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58187c/dad_go_to_your_room_now/
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Cannibals and Fruit

This is almost certainly a repost, but I'm fairly new and it was one of my favorite jokes growing up, so I'm going for it.
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they had to take part in an ancient trial. If just one of them could pass, they'd all be set free, but if all three failed, they'd be killed and eaten. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went their separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him: "You must shove the fruits up your ass one at a time without any expression on your face whatsoever, or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... then after a bit of trouble, a second. But as he attempted to work the third apple in, he winced out in pain, so he was taken aside.
The second prisoner arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself, "This should be easy!" And so he began: 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was taken aside with the first prisoner.
The first prisoner gave the second prisoner a quizzical look as he came over to join him.
"What happened?! I thought you had it!"
"I did too, but I saw the third guy coming back with an armful of pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58183z/cannibals_and_fruit/
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Just overheard a young boy tell his friend this joke

What do you call a corn dog with no legs?
A *corn dog*, stupid! Corn dogs don't have legs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58179t/just_overheard_a_young_boy_tell_his_friend_this/
%
Why Couldn't Bill Gates Get A Girl Friend?

Because his penis was Microsoft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5815h9/why_couldnt_bill_gates_get_a_girl_friend/
%
A daughter goes to her father...

A daughter goes to her father and says to him, "Dad I think I prefer girls over guys, is that normal?" The father then replies, "Why yes it is, don't worry about it." A day later, the second daughter approaches her father to talk about the same subject. "Dad" she says "I think I like girls and not guys, this is normal right?" The father then tells the same thing, "It is normal, don't worry about it" A third daughter goes to her father and says" Daddy, I want to be with a girl, not a boy, I'm perfectly normal right?" At this point, the father is puzzled and asks out loud "Does anyone in this house like guys?" The son's voice from upstairs says "I do!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58103u/a_daughter_goes_to_her_father/
%
What do you call a wandering caveman?

A Meanderthal
I'll go now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/580wm2/what_do_you_call_a_wandering_caveman/
%
Well I was going to donate blood today until....

the lady got all personal and started asking, "Who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/580sw2/well_i_was_going_to_donate_blood_today_until/
%
What do you call two homeless men hitting each other with cardboard?

Pillow fight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/580ruz/what_do_you_call_two_homeless_men_hitting_each/
%
Engineer vs Doctor

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
**Doctor:** “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
**Engineer:** “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
**Doctor:** “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
**Doctor:** “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
**Engineer:** “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
**Doctor:** “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
**Engineer:** “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
**Doctor:** “But this is $500…”
**Engineer:** “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/580rps/engineer_vs_doctor/
%
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/580nga/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
%
And the award for the best neckwear goes to...

Well, will you look at that, it's a tie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/580l59/and_the_award_for_the_best_neckwear_goes_to/
%
My sex life is like the internet.

Full of lies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/580h4n/my_sex_life_is_like_the_internet/
%
A man is eating his soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

He waves the waiter over and tells him he dropped his spoon and would like a new one.
The waiter pulls a fresh spoon out of his apron pocket and hands it to the man.
The man, impressed, says he's never seen such fast service. The waiter replies by saying that statistics show that the spoon is the most commonly dropped utensil, so in that restaurant all waiters are required to carry with them an extra spoon for just such an occasion.
The man continues with his meal and finally when he is about to pay his check he notices that same waiter walk by with a short string of yarn dangling from his pants zipper. He beckons him over once more and inquires about the yarn.
The waiter replies that statistics show that waiters can save 20% more time if they do not have to touch their members when using the restroom, so they keep a string attached to it, pull it out when they have to go, and save time by not needing to wash their hands.
"That's very interesting." Says the man. "But how do you get your member back inside your pants once you're done?"
"I don't know about the others, sir, but I use a spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/580fmn/a_man_is_eating_his_soup_at_a_restaurant_when_he/
%
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back

Luckily I was the one facing the TV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/580fk9/last_night_me_and_my_girlfriend_watched_three/
%
My son wanted to go whale watching for his birthday.

So we sat outside McDonald's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/580fb5/my_son_wanted_to_go_whale_watching_for_his/
%
A grandfather and grandson are fishing together...

A grandfather and his grandson are fishing together off of a dock. They are both sitting in silence until the grandfather pulls out a bottle of whiskey from his lunch bag and pours himself a glass. The grandson asks,
"Grandpa, may I please try some of your whiskey?"
To which the grandfather replied
"Well my boy, does your dick reach your asshole?"
"No" The grandson answers
"Then you aren't old enough"
The grandson falls quiet in dismay. A short time after, the grandfather pulls out a pack of Marlboro cigarettes and lights up. The grandson asks,
"Grandpa, can I try one of your cigarettes?"
"Son, once again, does your dick reach your asshole?"
"No" he replied
"Then you aren't old enough."
After sitting in silence for quite awhile, the grandson pulls out the peanut butter and jelly sandwich his mother had packed him from his lunch bag. He begins to eat. The grandfather eyes the sandwich, drooling. He asks,
"Kiddo, would you do your old gramps a favor and lend me some of your sandwich? I'm starving over here."
"Well" the grandson says slyly, "does your dick reach your asshole?"
"Of course it does!" he says defiantly
"Then why don't you go fuck yourself?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/580cdh/a_grandfather_and_grandson_are_fishing_together/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun only has one trigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/580ajn/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
%
A couple was walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
The woman replies, "No, it's snowing."
"Let's ask this communist officer here. He's always right," explains the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing currently?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replied.
The man turns to his wife and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/580a7o/a_couple_was_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
%
What's the difference between tired and exhausted?

When you run in front of a car you get tired. When you run behind a car you get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5804r1/whats_the_difference_between_tired_and_exhausted/
%
Why did Hitler need glasses?

He could NAZI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5803jt/why_did_hitler_need_glasses/
%
Old airforce joke

A C-130 is being escorted by an F-16. The fighter pilot gets bored, pushes the engine and does some stunts. He loops, dives, does a few barrel rolls and has some fun.
He radioes the C-130 pilot: "How was that? Cool, huh?" C-130 pilot radioes back: "That was nothing. I can do something with my beauty of a plane no fighter pilot with his fighter can! Watch this:"
Patiently the fighter pilot waits for 5 minutes but the Hercules just keeps flying straight n' level. He asks the C-130 pilot what the hell he thinks he just did.
Pilot answers:
Well I had a little chat with the crew, made some coffee, microwaved and had breakfast, read the newspaper and took a little stroll!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5800ei/old_airforce_joke/
%
When a man opens a car door for his wife

it's either a new car or a new wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57zt56/when_a_man_opens_a_car_door_for_his_wife/
%
An Engineer...

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57zota/an_engineer/
%
Why do squirrels swim on their back?

To keep their nuts dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57zot4/why_do_squirrels_swim_on_their_back/
%
"I'm going to be famous one day"

-Unknown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57zojq/im_going_to_be_famous_one_day/
%
Two friends are having a conversation about World War 2

The holocaust wasn't that bad.
Of course it was!
I'm going to go out and kill a million Jews and one clown.
Why the clown?
See, no one cares about the Jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57zofb/two_friends_are_having_a_conversation_about_world/
%
What do you call a group of crows dressed as geese?

A murder most fowl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57zn5i/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_crows_dressed_as_geese/
%
I went to a zoo that had only one animal.

It was a Shih Tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57zl0j/i_went_to_a_zoo_that_had_only_one_animal/
%
3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.
Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"
So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.
Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, looks like you cheated on your wife TWICE! You are going to drive around heaven in an Accord!"
He gets into his car and drives through the gates.
Peter calls the third man up and says, "You cheated on your wife FIVE TIMES. You are going to be driving around in a ford pinto!"
But, when the third man drives through the gates, he sees the person in the Ferrari on the side of the rode and he's crying.
The man asks, "Why are you crying??? You got the nicest car out of all of us!!"
He replies, "I just saw my wife ride by on a skateboard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57zk5e/3_men_are_in_line_to_get_into_heaven/
%
I hate playing chess with Australian players

Every check is a check, mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57zijw/i_hate_playing_chess_with_australian_players/
%
A wife complains to her husband:

“Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57zi7t/a_wife_complains_to_her_husband/
%
A Blind Man Walked Into A Bar

He sat down, and asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The bartender said:
"Okay, tell the joke, but before you do, know that two blonde women are sitting beside you. Behind you, at the pool table, are three blonde men. I happen to be a blonde man as well. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man then replied:
"Well, I guess not."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want to explain the punchline six times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57za0f/a_blind_man_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0k

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57z9mf/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_cooled_to_absolute/
%
The guys shows up to work with a black eye.

The guy shows up to work with a black eye which his buddy, who works next to him immediately notices.."what happened"
The guy explains... "I was on the bus today on my way to the office, when this girl stood up and her skirt was up her butt. I didn't want her to be made fun of, so I pulled it out of her butt. She then turned and punched me".
I see, replies his buddy.
Then, the next day he shows up with the other eye black.
"what happened now?" asks his friend. "you can't possible be stupid enough to have messed with the girl again."
"No, this time I was minding my own business. The same girl got up with her skirt up her butt and another guy pulled it out...
... I knew she didn't like it, so I pushed it back in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57z8gv/the_guys_shows_up_to_work_with_a_black_eye/
%
A police officer is trying to catch people at a speed trap

when he finally see's a car barreling down the highway at 90 MPH. The officer proceeds to pull him over and walks up to the driver window. The officer remarks, "Son, I've been waiting for you all day." Without missing a beat, the young drivers replies, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57z6ym/a_police_officer_is_trying_to_catch_people_at_a/
%
I once dated a homeless girl.

splitting the bill wasn't always easy but at least after our date I could drop her off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57z5ci/i_once_dated_a_homeless_girl/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they would still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57z3mf/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_off_of_the_boat/
%
Little Peter came home riding a red girl's bike one day

...and his mother asks where he got the bike.
Peter explains that he went into the woods with Jennifer and that she had taken off her shirt and pants and told him to grab whatever he desired.
"But, why would I want a pair of girl's pants? So, I took the bike".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57z2nn/little_peter_came_home_riding_a_red_girls_bike/
%
What does D.N.A stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57z1l8/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
I met a tailor today

He seams nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57yxoh/i_met_a_tailor_today/
%
A billionaire, a clown, and a presidential candidate walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "How's it going, Donald?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ywdy/a_billionaire_a_clown_and_a_presidential/
%
Jafar

my name is jafar
i come from afar
there's a Note 7 in my car
allahu akbar﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57yv35/jafar/
%
(Un)romantic Husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically unromantic, replied,
"I am in the toilet, please advise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57yup2/unromantic_husband/
%
11% of my life has been spent watching things load

12%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ytdg/11_of_my_life_has_been_spent_watching_things_load/
%
There's been some interesting science news today.

Apparently materials with a half life of 3 pass through valves at a extremely slow rate.
-plauge inc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ysdc/theres_been_some_interesting_science_news_today/
%
My favorite sexual position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57yq21/my_favorite_sexual_position_is_the_jfk/
%
I had an idea for a fighting game..

But turns out, it was tekken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57yp6v/i_had_an_idea_for_a_fighting_game/
%
I've got the body of a 25 year old supermodel

But my fridge is too small... Does anyone have any ideas?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57yom2/ive_got_the_body_of_a_25_year_old_supermodel/
%
One mans trash...

"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure" is a fantastic Idiom.
But it's a horrible way to tell your kid that he's adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57yo9g/one_mans_trash/
%
Once upon a time there is this hiker backpacking through the Scottish highlands

He comes to a bar and decides to go in to get a drink. The bar is empty save two people, the bartender and an old man nursing a pint. The hiker sits down at the bar and orders a beer. After a couple minutes of silence the old man turns to the hiker and says,
"You see this bar you're sittin in? I built it with me own bare hands, I picked the finest wood in the county, and gave it more care and loving than me own child. But do they call me McGregor the bar-builder... No"
He pointed out the window and said,
"Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands setting each rock in place through the rain and cold, but do they call me McGregor the wall-builder....No"
He points out of another window and says,
"Do you see that pier on the lake out there? I built that pier with my own hands, drove the pilings against the tide and the sand, plank by plank, but do they call me McGregor the pier builder...No!
But you fuck one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57yo89/once_upon_a_time_there_is_this_hiker_backpacking/
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Hillary and Donald

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery shop.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Trump steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to Hillary: “See how clever I am? The owner didn’t even see anything, and I don’t even need to lie. I will definitely win the election.”
Hillary says to Donald: “That’s the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same 3 pastries without stealing or lying, and also prove that I am much clever than you!”
Hillary goes to the owner of the bakery and says: “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick?”
Intrigued, the owner accepts Hillary’s offer and gives her a pastry. Hillary swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives her another one. Then Hillary asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
By this time, the owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks: “What did you do with the pastries?”
Hillary replies: “Look in Donald’s pocket!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ymn2/hillary_and_donald/
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A Pakistani boy takes admission in an American School.

A Pakistani boy takes admission in an American school ...
Teacher : Whats your name ?
Boy : Nadir
Teacher : No, you are in America now so from now on your name is Johnny.
The boy went home after his school ended and his mother asks him "How was the day Nadir?"
Boy : Mom, I am an American now, so call me Johnny.
The boy's Mom and Dad both get offended and beat him up. Next day he goes back to school all bruised ...
Teacher : What happened Johnny ?
Boy: Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ym26/a_pakistani_boy_takes_admission_in_an_american/
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Two guys are on a boat with three cigarettes but nothing to light it with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ykp1/two_guys_are_on_a_boat_with_three_cigarettes_but/
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My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ykfn/my_wife_said_shes_breaking_up_with_me_because_of/
%
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine

But catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57yi21/dogs_cant_operate_an_mri_machine/
%
What did the funeral director do with Alan Turing's dead body?

He encrypted it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57yghk/what_did_the_funeral_director_do_with_alan/
%
Why was the Police Officer still in bed?

Because he was *undercover*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ye48/why_was_the_police_officer_still_in_bed/
%
Why do french people eat snails ?

They don't like fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ye3r/why_do_french_people_eat_snails/
%
How can a line be both short and long?

It's a long line of midgets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ydk8/how_can_a_line_be_both_short_and_long/
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Apparently Trump is a neo-Marxist

He wants to seize the means of reproduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57yby9/apparently_trump_is_a_neomarxist/
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I have a Muslim friend with a Note 7...

It only gets awkward when he shouts "Allahu Akbar" when plugging it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57yby8/i_have_a_muslim_friend_with_a_note_7/
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Someone Stole My Glasses Today.

I didn't see that coming.
I didn't see them going either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57yawi/someone_stole_my_glasses_today/
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Saw two blind people fighting today.

I said, "I think that the guy with the knife will win!" They both ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57y96b/saw_two_blind_people_fighting_today/
%
Who is the communist leader of r/Jokes ?

Chairman Lmao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57y91a/who_is_the_communist_leader_of_rjokes/
%
Three dead improv actors are told that only those who died a horrible death are allowed to enter Heaven due to overcrowding

So, the first thinks for a second and then explains to St. Peter that he got home and found his wife naked in bed in the middle of day. Suspecting adultery, he had searched their 10th floor apartment until he finally found a man hanging from the balcony by his finger nails.
Overcome with jealousy, he had pounded the man's fingers until he dropped to the ground. Seeing that the man somehow survived the fall, he then pulled the refrigerator to the balcony and tipped it over, finally killing the man.
Collapsing from the excitement and physical strain, he had then suffered a fatal heart attack and died on the balcony himself.
St. Peter admitted this was indeed a horrible way to die and let him in.
Uplifted by seeing St. Peter sympathizing with this story, the next came forward. He told St. Peter that he was a gymnast living on the 11th floor and was doing his daily exercises on the balcony, when he suddenly lost his balance and fell over.
Luckily he had managed to grab onto the balcony below.
"But then a madman came and hammered on my fingers until I fell. I landed in a bush and was paralyzed from the fall, but at the same time I was happy that I survived. Unfortunately, the madman on the balcony wasn't finished and dropped a refrigerator on me - and that's how I died", he explained.
St. Peter admitted that this, too, was indeed a horrible way to die and let him in.
Finally, the third man comes forward and St. Peter wants to know he died.
"Well, it sounds weird, but I was sitting naked in a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57y7w8/three_dead_improv_actors_are_told_that_only_those/
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What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57y6rg/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
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Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“
Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”
Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep.”
Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57y53v/father_buys_a_lie_detector_that_makes_a_loud_beep/
%
Sex is a lot like pizza. When it's good, it's good! But when it's bad..

It's still kinda good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57y333/sex_is_a_lot_like_pizza_when_its_good_its_good/
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A priest and a rabbi are out walking...

... when they spot a young boy skinny dipping in the lake.
The priest elbows the rabbi and says, "Hey, let's fuck him!"
The rabbi, looking puzzled, replies, "Outta what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57y32o/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_out_walking/
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If I had a dollar for every time I saw a repost of r/Jokes ...

I'd be as rich as the guy who posted this first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57y20q/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_saw_a_repost/
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The line "Do you come here often?"

Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57xyan/the_line_do_you_come_here_often/
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I was on the beach with my daughter.

After a while, she turned to me and said, "Dad, you look like a lobster."
"Oh no," I replied, "Am I burning?"
She said, "No. Just very ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57xxn0/i_was_on_the_beach_with_my_daughter/
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I have a friend always ready for anything..

his name is
Justin Case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57xvvy/i_have_a_friend_always_ready_for_anything/
%
I was going to be a politician for Halloween

Then I realized I couldn't fit my head up my ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57xuqx/i_was_going_to_be_a_politician_for_halloween/
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What fundamental force compels physicists to go to work on Mondays?

The week force.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57xsub/what_fundamental_force_compels_physicists_to_go/
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I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me.

She told me she was at the mall with her friend Carrie. Thing is, Carrie was sleeping right next to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57xq3e/i_knew_my_girlfriend_was_cheating_on_me/
%
So during World War 2, a lot of experiments took place on the front lines;

*Doctor Heinfeld*, a leading researcher in Engineering and Biology at the front, wanted to test a new mechanical heart he had engineered, and offered a clockwork heart he had engineered to a then-dieing solider, named *Hugo*, who took it without hesitation.
Later on, Hugo (now fully recovered due to the revelutionary mechanical heart) was on a routine patrol. During a small pause, he noticed his new heart playing up.
*Tick, tick, tick* tapped the heart, causing Hugo to be concerned, to the extent of returning to Doctor Heinfeld to enquire about the possible fault in his craft.
*"Artz Heinfeld, my heart appears to be ticking!"* reported Hans.
*"Ah, I know exactly vhat is wrong!"* piped Heinfeld, pulling out a small pocket wrench and some tweezers,
*"Ve have ways of making you tock."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57xm6w/so_during_world_war_2_a_lot_of_experiments_took/
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What did Montenegro's internet domain name say when it broke up with Yugoslavia?

It's not yu it's me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57xleo/what_did_montenegros_internet_domain_name_say/
%
I was gonna make a joke about hitting the gym

...maybe tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57xkqv/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_about_hitting_the_gym/
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What did the Indian boy say to his mom before he leaves for school?

Mumbai!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57xhiw/what_did_the_indian_boy_say_to_his_mom_before_he/
%
Two elephants was eating some leafs and some grass at the savana

For the first time of their lives they see a naked man running in front of them.
One of the elephants wait a second, then bewildered turns to his friend and says:
I wonder how he gets his food to his mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57xg0r/two_elephants_was_eating_some_leafs_and_some/
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What's the difference between America and yogurt?

One has culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57xc5i/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_yogurt/
%
After he hears the doorbell ring, a man opens his front door to the sight of a young fella

"Good day, sir – my name is Tobias and I am here to fuck your daughter."
Perplexed, the man replies "To what?"
"To*bias*, sir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57x9vv/after_he_hears_the_doorbell_ring_a_man_opens_his/
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What do you call a lycanthrope you've snuck up on?

An unaware wolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57x7p3/what_do_you_call_a_lycanthrope_youve_snuck_up_on/
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I'm glad my mom is such a bad cook

If my date can eat her meatloaf with a smile, I know they'll swallow anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57x6d6/im_glad_my_mom_is_such_a_bad_cook/
%
Why is Jesus Christ gay?

Because he was nailed by guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57x55v/why_is_jesus_christ_gay/
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Doc : You have been diagnosed with obesity.

Me : Yeah it runs in my family.
Doc : Nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57x3sa/doc_you_have_been_diagnosed_with_obesity/
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Did you hear about the tragic crash of the small plane into the cemetery?

So far they've recovered 324 bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57x3c9/did_you_hear_about_the_tragic_crash_of_the_small/
%
An Australian ventriloquist visiting Afghanistan, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57x1ez/an_australian_ventriloquist_visiting_afghanistan/
%
Tinder is like Pokémon GO

You swipe to catch monsters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57x10j/tinder_is_like_pokémon_go/
%
You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57x0ks/you_can_tell_monopoly_is_an_old_game/
%
English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.

The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"
The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"
The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wzm2/english_american_and_arab_guy_bragging_in_a_bar/
%
I recently learned how to store jam properly.

I must say, it was a rather jarring event.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wzd4/i_recently_learned_how_to_store_jam_properly/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a pretty blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wz55/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_pretty_blonde_and_a/
%
I'd like to dedicate this joke to my father, who was a roofer...

...so...dad, if you're up there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wxtj/id_like_to_dedicate_this_joke_to_my_father_who/
%
Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wxn1/why_did_the_turtle_cross_the_road/
%
I've been married to my binary-loving wife for 11 years.

Next year, we will have been married for 100 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wxis/ive_been_married_to_my_binaryloving_wife_for_11/
%
A man received this message from his neighbour...

"Sorry sir, I have been using your wife day and night when you are not at home, in fact, much more than you do.
I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."
Immediately after reading the message, the man shot his wife dead.
A few minutes later, he received another message:
"Sorry sir, I made a spelling mistake...
I meant WiFi, not wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wwos/a_man_received_this_message_from_his_neighbour/
%
Today is National Pasta Day

I have a friend that would have loved today, but sadly she's pastaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wv4v/today_is_national_pasta_day/
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My father has the heart of a lion...

And also a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wtgi/my_father_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard?

Because the grass tickles their nuts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wtcz/why_do_midgets_laugh_while_running_through_the/
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How Politics Really Works

I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."
He said, "No."
I told him, "She is Bill Gates daughter."
He said, "Yes."
I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates said, "No."
I told Bill Gates, "My son is the C.E.O. of World Bank."
Bill Gates said, "Okay."
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O.
He said, "No."
I told him, "My son is Bill Gates son-in-law."
He said, "Okay.
This is exactly how politics works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wsz4/how_politics_really_works/
%
A rabbi and a priest...

take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the chute and says, " I have a life to live! F*ck the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wqv3/a_rabbi_and_a_priest/
%
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard drinks were on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wpfu/why_did_the_blonde_take_a_ladder_into_the_bar/
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They say its more expensive to live as a woman

thats why they're called feemale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wpfk/they_say_its_more_expensive_to_live_as_a_woman/
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The homeless problem would be solved if. . .

. . the Big Issue had tits in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wp9v/the_homeless_problem_would_be_solved_if/
%
The other day, I went to www.conjunctivitis.com ...

Now *that's* a site for sore eyes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57woli/the_other_day_i_went_to_wwwconjunctivitiscom/
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In a stunning case some call an abuse of power, a local police officer charged his own son with a crime, simply because the kid wouldn't lay down for his nap

The officer said the boy was resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wmfk/in_a_stunning_case_some_call_an_abuse_of_power_a/
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You've just got to see the fan exhibition

It blew me away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wf11/youve_just_got_to_see_the_fan_exhibition/
%
What do you call the Japanese police force?

Kawaii Five-0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wf0g/what_do_you_call_the_japanese_police_force/
%
A man proposes.

A man goes down on his knees and proposes to her:
*Marry Me... and Make me the Happiest Man in the World*
Looking bewildered she replied:
**You want Both !!!??**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wefm/a_man_proposes/
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After 12 years in prison .....

After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wdg1/after_12_years_in_prison/
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I don't like jam

but my marmite
Note : Girlfriend was determined this was a good joke, I thought it was trash. You decide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wcvq/i_dont_like_jam/
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Two Police officers.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wb38/two_police_officers/
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When is a product with 70% less salt a bad thing?

When you're buying salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57wa6d/when_is_a_product_with_70_less_salt_a_bad_thing/
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Since The Simpson's just reached the 600 episode milestone, I'd like to take a moment to remember it's importance to american history ...

Its unwaveringly realistic portrayal of the yellow people's disenfranchisement while pursuing the American Dream is a testament to our nation's tolerant spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57w7pi/since_the_simpsons_just_reached_the_600_episode/
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There were three men working at a construction site...

...an Australian called Bruce, an Englishman called John and an Irishman called Paddy.
Bruce got tired of getting the same old sandwich day after day, so he said "if I get another Vegemite sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump of this building".
John got tired of getting the same old sandwich day after day, so he said "if I get another cucumber and ham sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump of this building".
Paddy got tired of getting the same old sandwich day after day, so he said "if I get another peanut butter sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump of this building".
The next day, Bruce got a Vegemite sandwich, so he jumped off.
John got a cucumber and ham sandwich, so he jumped off.
Paddy got a peanut butter sandwich, so he jumped off.
At Bruce's funeral, his wife was grieving over him. "If only he told me not to give him Vegemite, I wouldn't have, poor Brucey".
At John's funeral, his wife was grieving over him. "If only he told me not to give him cucumber and ham, I wouldn't have, poor Johnny".
At Paddy's funeral, his wife was confused. "That's funny, Paddy makes his own sandwiches".
'
Other Paddy jokes:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5804ak/an_irishman_named_paddy_walked_into_a_bar/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57w5mi/there_were_three_men_working_at_a_construction/
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Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Tim Kaine, Mike Pence and an elderly lady were on a plane

that was halfway across the Atlantic Ocean on their way to America. Suddenly, the plane began to start shaking violently.
A voice on the intercom said, "We lost an engine! Going Down! Passengers take a parachute and get away before it blows!"
Unfortunately there were only 4 parachutes available.
Hillary grabbed one, said, "I'm sorry, but as a potential first female president and keeper of Wall Street interests I can't end it here. I must go" and she jumped.
Kaine grabbed one, said, "Sorry, but she can't do half the things she said if not for an old white guy behind her, so I have to go too" and jumped
Trump grabbed one, said, " This is no doubt an attack by ISIS. I must survive to defeat them, protect our borders and make America great again" and jumped.
The elderly women looked out the door and saw the three fall, but no parachutes were open. She turned to Pence and nodded.
Pence went to the intercom and said, "It's done. They're gone. Let's go home."
"Yes, Mr. President."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57w3ul/donald_trump_hillary_clinton_tim_kaine_mike_pence/
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A friend of mine accidentally deleted my game data and told me to calm down

...So after a nice cup of tea, i hid his body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57w1v0/a_friend_of_mine_accidentally_deleted_my_game/
%
test

icles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57vy6s/test/
%
I wanted a dog. My wife wanted a cat. We had to compromise

so we got a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57vx03/i_wanted_a_dog_my_wife_wanted_a_cat_we_had_to/
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Knock knock. Who's there? Early punchline

Early punchline who?
......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57vrna/knock_knock_whos_there_early_punchline/
%
/r/jokes is the most environment friendly sub-reddit around

With all the reusing and recycling of old jokes going around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57vqze/rjokes_is_the_most_environment_friendly_subreddit/
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How do rednecks celebrate Halloween?

Pump Kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57vnlt/how_do_rednecks_celebrate_halloween/
%
It was really foggy on my way home today

Looked quite misterious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57vm77/it_was_really_foggy_on_my_way_home_today/
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What would Ashley Tisdale have to do to become a boxing champion?

Bop bop bop, bop to the top

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57vi14/what_would_ashley_tisdale_have_to_do_to_become_a/
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My son wants to dress as a Catholic Priest for Halloween...

Well, he can go fuck himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57vi0l/my_son_wants_to_dress_as_a_catholic_priest_for/
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Why won't Hillary ever pull out?

She's never finished screwing people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57vhop/why_wont_hillary_ever_pull_out/
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What do you call paying for services with a blowjob?

A package deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57vg2y/what_do_you_call_paying_for_services_with_a/
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I have a friend who has a fetish on almonds.

He's fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57vfot/i_have_a_friend_who_has_a_fetish_on_almonds/
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Walked into my dealers house with a dollars worth in change and asked for four quarters worth of weed....

Walked out with $225 in debt, an ounce of weed, and a new job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57vbgx/walked_into_my_dealers_house_with_a_dollars_worth/
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Fishing For Whiskey

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57v9nt/fishing_for_whiskey/
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Generally, the phrases "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" are used synonymously...

But not at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57v9ns/generally_the_phrases_im_sorry_and_i_apologise/
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9/11

Jokes are plane wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57v8ta/911/
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A star walks into a ...

A star walks into a black hole but doesn't seems phazed, the black hole turns to the star and says, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57v7er/a_star_walks_into_a/
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Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57v6vw/finally_bought_a_puppy_for_the_wife_and_i_but_it/
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I like my Jews like I like my juice.

Concentrated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57v53i/i_like_my_jews_like_i_like_my_juice/
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Morning!

I was walking through a graveyard yesterday morning, and saw a guy crouched down behind a grave stone.
"Morning!" I shouted.
"Nah, just taking a shit!" He responded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57v38r/morning/
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American light beer is like two people making love in a canoe...

fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57v236/american_light_beer_is_like_two_people_making/
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A man had his left arm and leg removed.

He's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57v17y/a_man_had_his_left_arm_and_leg_removed/
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19 and 20 got in a fight...

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57v0er/19_and_20_got_in_a_fight/
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Selling an improved autocorrect?

Shut up and take my monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57uzx6/selling_an_improved_autocorrect/
%
Mountains are funny.

They're hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57uxbj/mountains_are_funny/
%
A math teacher went to school drunk...

He told the class that they were going to learn derivatives and then proceeded to pass out. He was removed from the school and fired immediately. The lesson?
Don't drink and derive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57uv1x/a_math_teacher_went_to_school_drunk/
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My colour blind friend told me there were only two kinds of people in the world.

I told him to stop seeing things in black and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57utzg/my_colour_blind_friend_told_me_there_were_only/
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OC from my 10 yr old son: Why do women like roses?

Because they are pretty and hurt you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ut4x/oc_from_my_10_yr_old_son_why_do_women_like_roses/
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A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years

packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $2,000 a year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57us9t/a_man_comes_home_to_find_his_wife_of_10_years/
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My Asian friend came out ..

My Asian friend came out to his dad today and said "Dad I'm gay" . His dad after being angry for a moment said, "why not Gay+"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57uqmw/my_asian_friend_came_out/
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Mr. Jones and me

While examining the the body of Mr. David Jones, a mortician notices that David has the largest penis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, David," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "David is dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57unei/mr_jones_and_me/
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Happy birthday to both reddit and planned parenthood...

My favorite two things keeping me from getting a girl pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57um33/happy_birthday_to_both_reddit_and_planned/
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From my 7 year old daughter: What do you call a girl shell?

A she shell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ugrq/from_my_7_year_old_daughter_what_do_you_call_a/
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Jesus walks into a Restaurant

And goes up to the Waiter and says
"Table for 26 Please"
Confused, The Waiter does a quick head count, and says "But there is only 13 of you."
Jesus Replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ugrb/jesus_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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Samsung should focus their marketing toward criminals

They could completely monopolize the burner phone industry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57uev9/samsung_should_focus_their_marketing_toward/
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How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ubp3/how_can_you_tell_when_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
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Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocain during his root canal work?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57u8mo/why_did_the_buddhist_refuse_novocain_during_his/
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How is the Middle East not leading the world in wind energy...

... they have almost one turban per person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57u8l7/how_is_the_middle_east_not_leading_the_world_in/
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I found these drugs in your pocket, what do you have to say for yourself?

Officer: I found these pills in your pocket.
Suspect: Officer I swear, I don't know how they got there. Every time I flush them down the toilet, they end up in my pocket.
Officer: Yeah right.
Suspect: Officer, I swear, every time I flush them down the toilet, they end up in my pocket. Let me show you.
Officer: Okay, fine, show me.
The suspect throws the pills into the toilet and flushes them down. The officer waits.
Officer: Okay, now what?
Suspect: What?
Officer: Where are the pills?
Suspect: What pills?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57u4zm/i_found_these_drugs_in_your_pocket_what_do_you/
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Obama, Putin and Milo Djukanovic are on a plane...

Obama, Putin and Milo Djukanovic are on a plane. An emergeny occurs and the plane is gonna crash but they only have 2 parachutes.
Obama: "We will do it democratically and gonna vote who gets a parachute. Everyone will get one vote and cannot vote himself."
After voting Djukanovic has the most with Putin at second place.
Obama: "I am fine with the results, but can you explain me how the fuck did Djukanovic get 15 votes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57u1pk/obama_putin_and_milo_djukanovic_are_on_a_plane/
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57u1d3/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
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Four nuns die in a bus crash...

... they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter welcomes the nuns. He tells them that, while he understands they devoted their lives to God, everyone is still given a chance to repent their last Sins, and gestures towards a fountain of Holy Water.
The first nun pulls St. Peter aside, and says "Forgive me, St. Peter, for I have sinned. I have gazed at the unholy parts of a man." St. Peter is slightly taken back -- I mean, this is a nun for crying out loud! But, rules are rules. He tells her to go wash her eyes in the fountain, and she would be welcomed into God's Kingdom.
The second nun comes up to St. Peter, and says "Forgive me, St. Peter, for I have sinned. I have touched the unholy parts of a man." St. Peter is a bit disturbed, but maintains his composure. He tells her to wash her hands in the fountain, and welcomes her to God's Kingdom.
As the third nun approaches St. Peter, the fourth nun pushes her aside and shouts, "Wait, wait! Let me gargle before she sits her fat ass down in that fountain!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57u03v/four_nuns_die_in_a_bus_crash/
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If Trump had a brick for every lie Hillary has said

He'd be able to build the wall for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ty7i/if_trump_had_a_brick_for_every_lie_hillary_has/
%
My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified

The last time something that large hit the ground the fucking dinosaurs died!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57txhy/my_wife_is_going_sky_diving_and_im_truly_terrified/
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I'm making a film about emos.

I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57twgi/im_making_a_film_about_emos/
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Two guys are playing golf...

Two elderly gentlemen come to a par 3 hole. One of them tees up, starts to swing, but notices a funeral procession passing by. He stops mid-swing, takes off his hat and bows to the procession. After it passes, he puts on his hat and resumes his swing. The other man says to him, "Wow, that was really gentlemanly of you, paying your respects like that!" As he swings, he replies, "Well, she was my wife for 25 years..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57tvke/two_guys_are_playing_golf/
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What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57tvck/whats_black_and_screams/
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Whats red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57tuy1/whats_red_and_smells_like_blue_paint/
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What kind of pants does Mario wear?

Denim denim denim...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57tt7h/what_kind_of_pants_does_mario_wear/
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What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung?

The guardians of the galaxy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57trgx/what_do_you_call_the_security_guards_outside_of/
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A politician dies and meets St. Peter

St. Peter informs her that they were struggling to place her in either heaven or hell and instead she would get to decide after spending a day in hell then a day in heaven.
She insists, "I've decided, heaven for me!". But St. Peter says rules are rules and she must visit both.
First he calls an elevator and she anxiously paces back and forth dreading her 24 hours in hell, trying to convince St. Peter to bend the rules for her. But he wont relent.
To her relief hell is more like a sunny Caribbean beach than fire and brimstone. All her old friends are there with flutes of champagne and strawberries chatting.
They welcome her and whisk her off for a three course meal with lobster, sous-vide steak and caviar. The best sorbet she's ever had and they have cocktails into the night.
The Devil turns up fashionably late, welcomes her and drinks and dances. He even sings "Set fire to the rain" at kareoke.
Before she knows it St. Peter turns up and whisks her away to the elevator to heaven.
If hell is so great, heaven must be amazing.
There she mingles with cherubs floating amongst the clouds, they don't eat but feel no hunger, they don't drink but feel no thirst and they don't dance but feel nothing but joy.
Finally in what feels like a flash St. Peter reappears and says she must decide.
She says "Heaven is cool and all, but Hell is where it's at!" after double and triple checking St. Peter banishes her to hell.
To her shock she finds an endless expanse with nothing but hot sand and dark skies.
The devil appears and she begs him "What happen? Yesterday everything looked amazing."
The devil replies: "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57tqmj/a_politician_dies_and_meets_st_peter/
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What happens when Hillary throws relevant questions?

Donald Ducks
I'll show myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57to3j/what_happens_when_hillary_throws_relevant/
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I was recently asked how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently "in HD" was the wrong answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57tnqs/i_was_recently_asked_how_i_view_lesbian/
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A scientist is running experiments with spiders...

He believes he has discovered something profound so he calls up everyone he can, family, friends, press to come see him present his discovery to the world.
Everyone shows up and the scientist begins his experiment. He has 8 spiders lined up in a row and he says simply "walk three steps forward", the spiders obey instantly and walk forward three steps. Everyone in the crowd is amazed and reporters quickly jot down what they had just witnessed.
The scientist goes on: "wall two steps backward", again the spiders obey and walk backward two steps. The crowd begin to get louder and reporters attempt to ask questions to the scientist. He dismisses them and asks them to settle down so he can continue.
He carefully plucks each and every leg off all 8 spiders and then says "walk three steps forward". The spiders do not move. He goes on: "walk two steps backward". Again, the spiders do not move.
The scientist turns towards the audience and proudly concludes: "You see, this proves that if you pull the legs off of a spider it becomes deaf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57tjxu/a_scientist_is_running_experiments_with_spiders/
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How do you throw a party in space?

You planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57tilk/how_do_you_throw_a_party_in_space/
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What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking.
JK ROLLING

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ti4w/what_is_harry_potters_favorite_way_to_get_down_a/
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After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57thui/after_god_created_24_hours_of_alternating/
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I asked a gym instructor to teach me how to do the splits ...

He said, ''How flexible are you''?
I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57th7h/i_asked_a_gym_instructor_to_teach_me_how_to_do/
%
Eight dwarves are in a tub, feeling happy

Happy got out now they're all fucking grumpy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57tgkj/eight_dwarves_are_in_a_tub_feeling_happy/
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There are two types of people in this world:

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57te1n/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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I lost my watch at a party once...

an hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57tab0/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Phelps can finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57t9eh/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
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I told my boss that I'm quitting my job to become a comedian.

He said, "You can't be serious."
I said, "I know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57t7v7/i_told_my_boss_that_im_quitting_my_job_to_become/
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What do you call five African-Americans born together?

Triplets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57t5ph/what_do_you_call_five_africanamericans_born/
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I heard Samsung is making a feature film

They're calling it Total Recall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57t418/i_heard_samsung_is_making_a_feature_film/
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I bought a time machine.

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57t3r2/i_bought_a_time_machine/
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kids eat free today

Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.
Me: Oh, well in that case i’ll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57t27j/kids_eat_free_today/
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You can't run through a campground

You can only ran, because it's past tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57t0pf/you_cant_run_through_a_campground/
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Why don't gay necrophiles like to talk about their pasts?

Too many skeletons in their closets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57t00x/why_dont_gay_necrophiles_like_to_talk_about_their/
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How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57sy5i/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_ethiopia/
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The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Is that you, André?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57sx38/the_college_teacher_noticed_that_his_exchange/
%
I had a job interview as a sales rep today...

The interviewer wanted to test out how good I was at getting people to buy things off him.
He told me, 'Now, you're going to try to sell me something.'
I asked him what he wanted me to try to sell to him, and he held out his new iPhone 7.
'I bought this just yesterday,' he told me, 'now try to sell it to me.'
When he had finished speaking, I grabbed it and ran away.
He called me a few minutes later and said, 'Give me back my damned phone, you thief!', to which I replied, '500 pounds, and it's yours.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57sx1g/i_had_a_job_interview_as_a_sales_rep_today/
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What do you call a man with 6,022 x 10^23 dollars?

A Moleionaire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57swwg/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_6022_x_1023_dollars/
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Why shouldn't Mexicans play UNO?

They keep taking all the green cards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57sw1u/why_shouldnt_mexicans_play_uno/
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I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'

I thought 'thats just a spam'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57stnq/i_got_an_email_saying_at_google_earth_we_can_read/
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I got addicted to eating deli meat right out of the refrigerator...

But I decided to quit cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57slso/i_got_addicted_to_eating_deli_meat_right_out_of/
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I wear a stethoscope, so that in the case of a medical emergency,

I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57sldv/i_wear_a_stethoscope_so_that_in_the_case_of_a/
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I was about to win a race but my phone went off and I stopped to answer it, in the end I finished last.

I shouldn't have done it in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57sj4i/i_was_about_to_win_a_race_but_my_phone_went_off/
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My friend drowned. So at his funeral...

...we took a cake shaped like a life raft.
After all...It's what he would have wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57sd5v/my_friend_drowned_so_at_his_funeral/
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What makes Mercy such a good medic?

It must be her high heals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57sbjw/what_makes_mercy_such_a_good_medic/
%
Two priests are out driving and get pulled over

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver “Sorry to pull you over father, but we’re looking for a couple of child molesters”
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
“Alright officer, we’ll do it”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57sbax/two_priests_are_out_driving_and_get_pulled_over/
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A boy and his cat walk into a brothel.

There was this little 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened cat on a string behind him. He walked up to a whore house and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no. He said,"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed cat behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the cat, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, because that damn milkman is the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57s9le/a_boy_and_his_cat_walk_into_a_brothel/
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My aunt Marge..

My aunt Marge has been ill for so long I've started thinking, "I can't believe she's not better.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57s8lt/my_aunt_marge/
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What did one tower say to the other?

I've got a plane to catch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57s89a/what_did_one_tower_say_to_the_other/
%
Who was the last President of China?

Yes he was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57s6ts/who_was_the_last_president_of_china/
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Two fish are in a tank...

One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57s691/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57s263/why_do_riot_police_like_to_get_to_work_early/
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Rape in an elevator is wrong....

on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57s1tk/rape_in_an_elevator_is_wrong/
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What is Micheal Bay's favorite phone?

The Galaxy note 7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57s0nx/what_is_micheal_bays_favorite_phone/
%
What do you call a funny snake?

HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTERICAL
^^^my ^^^son ^^^^told ^^^^^me ^^^^^^this ^^^^^^^one..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rzvt/what_do_you_call_a_funny_snake/
%
Did you hear about the depressed lactose-intolerant woman?

She committed soya-cide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ry7w/did_you_hear_about_the_depressed/
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A pirates first day

It's a pirate's first day on a new ship. While swabbing the deck, he is approached by the captain. The captain is a weathered, veteran sailer and has three of the iconic pirate maladies- a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.
The new pirate asks the captain how he got the peg leg.
"Arrrr, it were me first day at sea. A great storm came and tossed me overboard. A great fish got me leg, and now I wear the peg"
The new pirate asked the captain how he acquired the hook.
"Arrr, it were me second day at sea. A great storm came and tossed me again! A great fish came and took me hand. Now I wear the hook"
The new pirate knew he was pushing his luck, but he couldn't stop now. He asked the captain how he got the eyepatch.
"Arrr, it were me third day at sea. A great bird flew overhead and shat in me eye."
The new pirate was confused. He asked "that's how you lost your eye?"
The captain said "No, but it were me first day with the hook!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rx9t/a_pirates_first_day/
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What do you call...

A cow with one leg?
Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rwew/what_do_you_call/
%
What do you call a group of sorority girls?

A whorde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rst7/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_sorority_girls/
%
Four dogs – Mexican, American, Polish, Russian – are discussing their lives.

The Mexican dog says, “the servants used to leave meat out for me, but now I have to bark for it.”
The American dog says, “you have servants in Mexico?”
The Polish dog says, “they feed you meat?”
The Russian dog says, “they let you bark?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rs68/four_dogs_mexican_american_polish_russian_are/
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A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rpf9/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_joke/
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How many cops does it take to push a Black person down the stairs?

None. He *fell*....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rnjg/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_person/
%
Why was Avogadro executed?

He was a mole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rn5c/why_was_avogadro_executed/
%
What do you call a Chameleon that cant change colors?

A reptile dysfunction...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rm9q/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_that_cant_change/
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Presidential Race

No one voted in the presidential election because everyone was so upset with the shit show. While trying to figure out what to do, Obama suggests an actual presidential race around the white house. They let bernie sanders run but since he's old he takes 24 mins. Trump goes and gets a time of 14:36. Hillary is all fired up and ready to beat trump. She is hopping over shrubbery and stepping on flowers. She finishes just under 10 mins. After she finishes, she proclaims, "wow that must be some record!" Obama goes "no Hillary. Bush did 9:11"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rkvd/presidential_race/
%
How to always be positive in life:

| life |

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rjno/how_to_always_be_positive_in_life/
%
What's the difference between my face and my jokes?

People laugh at my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ri8i/whats_the_difference_between_my_face_and_my_jokes/
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My local feminist charity is hiring. I found their recruitment slogan to be a bit counterintuitive...

"Girl power needs manpower."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rhgu/my_local_feminist_charity_is_hiring_i_found_their/
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So, I got married...

To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. Wife isn't a hippy or anything and I'm not a huge fan, but fuck it, I promised her. Fast forward 10 years. Love comes back from school crying. I ask her what's wrong. Says she is being bullied because of her name. I cheer her up with some ice cream. Problem solved and best dad award achieved. Fast Forward 7 more years. Love has turned into a 9/10. She dresses normal. Always wears red nail polish. But she is shy, very shy. She is still mocked constantly because of her not so ordinary name. She comes home from school one day, obviously disturbed. I ask her if it's about her name. She says nothing and just kisses me on the cheek and leaves. First time she has kissed me since she was a baby. Just wasn't her thing. Then, I hear my wife pulling in. She is home early from work. I hear the door open from daughter's room. The door then opens from garage. Loud blast goes off directly behind me. I fall to the ground. Wife looks at me and screams. I look down and see bullet through my chest. Love says something about her name. I look up at my still beautiful wife and I say: Shot through the heart And you're to blame You gave Love ...a bad name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rh08/so_i_got_married/
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The Fuzz

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says to the other, "Ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rfsu/the_fuzz/
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Why was the math teacher late for school?

He took the rhombus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57rfml/why_was_the_math_teacher_late_for_school/
%
if i opened my Gryffindor

Would you Slytherin?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57r9zn/if_i_opened_my_gryffindor/
%
A dog says to the other, “Woof!” The other replies, “Moo!” The first dog is perplexed.

He says, “Moo? Why did you say, ‘Moo?’”
The other dog answers, “I’m trying to learn a foreign language.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57r7os/a_dog_says_to_the_other_woof_the_other_replies/
%
If Hillary Clinton wins the election I am moving to Benghazi.

At lest I know she will leave me alone there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57r7eh/if_hillary_clinton_wins_the_election_i_am_moving/
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How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they'll just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57r524/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Necrophilia...

There's nothing like cracking open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57r343/necrophilia/
%
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57r1yb/a_young_boy_went_up_to_his_father_and_asked_him/
%
A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57r0r9/a_man_goes_to_the_lawyer_what_is_your_fee/
%
Why do cows have bells?

Because there horns don't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qze2/why_do_cows_have_bells/
%
"You are gonna hate yourself in the morning if you stay up late"

Jokes on you I am gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qylv/you_are_gonna_hate_yourself_in_the_morning_if_you/
%
My father was never proud of me.

One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qyjx/my_father_was_never_proud_of_me/
%
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender, "What have you got?"
The bartender points to two taps.
They say, "What? That's it?! We don't like either of those choices!"
The bartender says, "Now you know how I feel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qyhp/hillary_clinton_and_donald_trump_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I hope I don't get rheumatoid arthritis..

Fingers crossed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qyeo/i_hope_i_dont_get_rheumatoid_arthritis/
%
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings...

It's a complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qycr/i_have_a_phobia_of_overengineered_buildings/
%
Why did Adolf Hitler commit suicide?

He saw the gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qv8f/why_did_adolf_hitler_commit_suicide/
%
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten.  The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."
Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten.  The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."
The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.
The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten.  We're gonna count.  Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers.  All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times.  They said we couldn't count to ten.  Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls.  We're gonna count to ten.  Everybody, count to ten.  Okay?  And let me tell you - let me tell you something.  I will be the best counting President God has ever created.  We are gonna count to *so* many tens, I tell you.  Look at that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qrs7/scientists_removed_the_right_half_brain_of_a_man/
%
I treat my body like a temple.

By that I mean that a bunch of Jewish guys enter me every Friday night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qrcz/i_treat_my_body_like_a_temple/
%
What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew?

The boy scout makes it back from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qqe0/whats_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a_jew/
%
Say what you want about Cannibals

but they have a great taste in people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qphz/say_what_you_want_about_cannibals/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view

, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qp8w/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
What do you call two pencils fighting?

A grafight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qn2x/what_do_you_call_two_pencils_fighting/
%
So a crow is in the woods...

Perched on top of a tree and is relaxing smoking weed. A lizard nearby smells it an looks up and sees this crow way up on the top of this tree. So the lizard asks "hey! Wanna share?"
"Sure I don't mind, come on up"replies the crow.
"Great but let me go get some water first, one sec." Said the lizard.
So the lizard goes over to the lake nearby and sees this alligator and tells him what he was about to go do and where this crow was at in case he wanted to join. Anticipating getting the munchies, the alligator eats the lizard and goes over to the crow is at and yells up "hey!"
The crow looks down and says "Jesus Christ!!! How much water did you drink!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qjge/so_a_crow_is_in_the_woods/
%
3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qjaf/3_drunk_guys_entered_a_taxi/
%
Girlfriends are like puppies...

They start out wanting to cuddle and kiss your face, but soon grow into a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qi82/girlfriends_are_like_puppies/
%
How to tease a girlfriend if she really wants it

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said, 'Alright, fatty.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qh6k/how_to_tease_a_girlfriend_if_she_really_wants_it/
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My girlfriend laughed at me for having an existential crisis at 17.

Jokes on her. She doesn't even exist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qfjk/my_girlfriend_laughed_at_me_for_having_an/
%
The Flat Earth Community

has supporters all around the globe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57qdcn/the_flat_earth_community/
%
My friend brags to me all the time about the women he has seen naked

We both agreed the internet is awesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57q9ta/my_friend_brags_to_me_all_the_time_about_the/
%
Why do gas prices end with 9/10 of a penny?

It just makes cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57q5y3/why_do_gas_prices_end_with_910_of_a_penny/
%
I ran into my ex-wife the other day

So I backed up and hit her again,
I miss her sometimes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57q5g6/i_ran_into_my_exwife_the_other_day/
%
I have finally figured out how to clone a human being!

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57q50q/i_have_finally_figured_out_how_to_clone_a_human/
%
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

By walking...... JK Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57q29x/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
I mentioned my back pain to my dad in passing today. His reply?

"At least it's all behind you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57q17z/i_mentioned_my_back_pain_to_my_dad_in_passing/
%
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

I'll leave now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57pxyq/i_had_an_idea_for_a_movie_plot_where_a_retired/
%
It's a shame that Samsung cancelled production of the Note 7...

but at least they went out with a bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57pw2e/its_a_shame_that_samsung_cancelled_production_of/
%
Airline Restroom

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room was nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP, and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me? The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"
The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ptx7/airline_restroom/
%
Why did the native american hate snow?

It's white and on his land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57psb9/why_did_the_native_american_hate_snow/
%
Where do muslims go when they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ppor/where_do_muslims_go_when_they_die/
%
We now finally have proof that Osama Bin Laden is dead

He just registered to vote in Chicago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57potm/we_now_finally_have_proof_that_osama_bin_laden_is/
%
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.

It's something I could really see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57pmld/i_think_i_want_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
%
I have the body of a 25 year-old Supermodel

Not sure what to do with it in my basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57plpk/i_have_the_body_of_a_25_yearold_supermodel/
%
How do you split $6 between 5 mexicans?

You cut  *Juan*  out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57pla5/how_do_you_split_6_between_5_mexicans/
%
A hero without a villain becomes useless. A villain without a hero becomes..

The government.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57pk7c/a_hero_without_a_villain_becomes_useless_a/
%
A man walks into the doctor's office

with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum.
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one hell of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57pjjn/a_man_walks_into_the_doctors_office/
%
I call my dick MySpace

No one's on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57piv7/i_call_my_dick_myspace/
%
A couple of ladies asked me if I wanted to have a threesome with them.

I said, "No thank you. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I would have dinner with my parents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57phqj/a_couple_of_ladies_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_have_a/
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The Old Coffin

A man was walking home one day after a long day of work. As he was walking, he came up on a old coffin laying on the side of the trail. He thought it was odd because it was a old pine box coffin and he had never seen one in person before. The man shrugged it off and kept walking.
The man kept walking and soon came upon another coffin of the same style! The man said, "Wow, I've never seen one in person before, but now here is two of them in one day! It's almost as if the coffin is following me!."  The man walks away from the coffin laughing.
A little later, the man finds ANOTHER coffin, but this one is standing up and the lid facing him. He looks at it and keeps walking. As he walks past it, he hears something moving. He turns around to see that the coffin is facing him. He goes back to the coffin and stands in front of it. He takes one side step. The coffin then scoots over one step. The man takes three steps away, the coffin takes three scoots toward him. The man takes off, sprinting towards his house with the coffin scooting close behind.
The man gets to his house and slams the door shut. He hides in his living waiting for the coffin.
*knock*
*knock*
*knock*
The man knows it's the coffin at his door. The knocks get louder and louder. Suddenly, the door bursts open, the coffin standing in the open doorway. The man take S off running through his house, thinking where to hide. He says to himself, "Where can I hide?! OOH I know, my bathroom! It's the only door with a lock!" The man goes to his bathroom and locks the door.
The man starts frantically digging through his bathroom looking for something to use as a weapon. "Maybe there is something in the medicine cabinet," he says.he can hear the coffin getting closer. He opens his medicine cabinet and starts digging through it. "Nope aspirin won't do, anti biotics either... WAIT! IVE GOT IT!" the man says.
The man grabs the cough syrup out of his medicine cabinet. Then he rushes to his bathroom door, unlocks it, and rushes out the door. Ten feet out the door is the coffin. The man looks at the coffin and then throws the cough syrup at it.
The coffin stopped...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57pexg/the_old_coffin/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57pec8/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
I fucked a bitch at work today and guess what happened?

Pet store fired me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57p8e3/i_fucked_a_bitch_at_work_today_and_guess_what/
%
Where did the terrorist go after the explosion?

Everywhere..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57p7y0/where_did_the_terrorist_go_after_the_explosion/
%
what does Voldemort call his prostitutes

Whorecruxes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57p69b/what_does_voldemort_call_his_prostitutes/
%
I agree with Trump and Clinton,

Neither one is qualified to be president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57p650/i_agree_with_trump_and_clinton/
%
my parents met on reddit

im the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57p52l/my_parents_met_on_reddit/
%
I get turned on by my Maths teacher...

... because she is the reciprocal of cosC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57p4df/i_get_turned_on_by_my_maths_teacher/
%
I'm so smart, I've got more brains than...

Kurt Cobain's ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57p39q/im_so_smart_ive_got_more_brains_than/
%
What's the difference between Trump and a Halloween pumpkin?

The pumpkin is bright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ozko/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_a/
%
When I was 12 years old, my Dad approached me and said "Son, do you know anything about sex?"...

I said "Sure Dad, what do you wanna know?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ozek/when_i_was_12_years_old_my_dad_approached_me_and/
%
What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57oymz/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_cant_draw/
%
I recently learned how to suck my own dick...

Sorry if I sound full of myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57owv4/i_recently_learned_how_to_suck_my_own_dick/
%
My 83 year old grandfather is still trying to be a successful rapper, his name?

Two canes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ovkp/my_83_year_old_grandfather_is_still_trying_to_be/
%
I've just been rushed to A&E after swallowing some lego....

The doctor's don't seem worried but i'm shitting bricks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57oucu/ive_just_been_rushed_to_ae_after_swallowing_some/
%
Why isnt Monica Lewinsky voting for Hillary?

The last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ou2k/why_isnt_monica_lewinsky_voting_for_hillary/
%
What do the Japanese do when they have an erection?

They vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ormq/what_do_the_japanese_do_when_they_have_an_erection/
%
What's the difference between people from Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People from Dubai don't like the flinstones but people from Abu Dhabi Do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57onwt/whats_the_difference_between_people_from_dubai/
%
What's harder than nailing 10 dead babies to a tree?

Nailing one dead baby to 10 trees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57omug/whats_harder_than_nailing_10_dead_babies_to_a_tree/
%
It's 1957...

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.  Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.  Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57olw9/its_1957/
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I owe my life to Nickelback

I got in a horrible car crash and was in 6 month coma. Then the nurse switched the song to Nickelback. I woke up and muted it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57olkb/i_owe_my_life_to_nickelback/
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Jesus returned to earth...

And stayed anonymous for a while, but eventually a priest discovered who he was. He was discreet, but insisted that he take a solid gold cross. Before he took it, he prayed to his father and said,
"Father, should I accept this gift?"
God replies, "The solid gold cross?"
"Yes."
"What would you do with a solid gold cross? You could hardly carry a wooden one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ol53/jesus_returned_to_earth/
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A Rabbi, an Imam, and a good old boy redneck American Soldier are all in a plane crash and find themselves standing before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter says to them "You've each made mistakes in your lives that could delay your entry into heaven, but I'm willing to let all three of you in at once if you can find something good in your brother standing beside you."
The Imam looks at the Rabbi and says "Surely this fellow man of God served his  people and his temple well, no matter what disagreement we might have had over our beliefs. He is good."
The Rabbi looks at the good old boy redneck American soldier and said "This man devoted his life to protecting his country and bringing that freedom to oppressed nations around the world. This man was good."
The good old boy redneck American soldier looks at the Imam up and down and the Imam nervously and worriedly looks back at him. Finally the good old boy redneck American soldier says "Yes sir, he's good."
With a nod from Saint Peter all three men are instantly transported into heaven.
With a sigh of relief the Imam turns to the good old boy redneck American soldier and says "When I was alive I preached death to Israel and death to America. I recruited for Isis and sent many young men to their deaths in suicide vests. Thank you for finding it in your heart to see good in me."
"It was nothing, Sir," replied the good old boy redneck American soldier. "My C.O. always used to say the only good Muslim was a dead Muslim. I always thought he was just being racist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ofk5/a_rabbi_an_imam_and_a_good_old_boy_redneck/
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Two Zulu's met in my shop today..

They just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57of62/two_zulus_met_in_my_shop_today/
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Person asked me If I wanted to have a threesome

I said no thanks if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57of3s/person_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_have_a_threesome/
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90s kids won't get this...

Social Security benefits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57odwj/90s_kids_wont_get_this/
%
A Young Man in Confessional

A young man walks into confessional.
Tommy: "Bless me father for I have sinned. I've been with a loose woman."
Priest: "Is that you, Tommy? Who was it then?"
Tommy: "I can't tell you father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Priest: "Was it Brenda?"
Tommy: "No, Father"
Priest: "Was it Fiona?"
Tommy: "No."
Priest: "Mary, then?"
Tommy: "No no."
Priest: "Very well then. Say five 'Our Fathers' and four 'Hail Marys."
Tommy went back to his pew. His friend leaned over.
Friend: "So, what happened?"
Tommy: "I got five 'Our Fathers,' four 'Hail Mary's,' and three good leads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ocw2/a_young_man_in_confessional/
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An Inspector goes to a Processing Plant

So an inspector goes to a processing plant.  He walks up to the manager and says: ‘I hear you keep your animals in horrible conditions.  I’m here to write a report.’
The manager gives a cold smile and says: ‘Where would you like to start?’
‘Let’s start with your pigs,’ says the inspector.
So the manager takes him down to the pig pens.  The room is like a dungeon, full of iron cages, the walls crammed with an assortment of wicked-looked knives and bloody saws.  Everything is covered in flies and viscera… but there are no pigs.  And the manager says: ‘How can we keep our pigs in such terrible conditions, when we have no pigs?’
The inspector is confused, but not shaken.  He presses: ‘Alright, take me to your chickens.’
So they go to the chicken pens.  The room stinks of misery; there are crammed cages in towers up to the ceiling, full of fetid straw and reeking of urea… but no chickens to be seen.  And the manager says: ‘As you can see, how can we mistreat our chickens, when we have no chickens?’
The inspection finishes, and the manager walks the inspector back to the entrance.  Before he leaves, he asks the inspector: ‘So what did you think of our plant?’
And the inspector says: ‘This place is a wretched stain on our planet, full of barbed wire and toxic thoughts.  The injustice in every square foot would drive any honest man to tears.
‘But so far as I can tell… there’s no ham, no fowl.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ob83/an_inspector_goes_to_a_processing_plant/
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when her husband came home

I was having sex with this beautiful woman at her place when her husband unexpectedly arrived home early. She turned to me and said " quick use the the back door ". In retrospect i should of just left but you don't get an offer like that everyday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57o7o0/when_her_husband_came_home/
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Having sex when..

I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early. She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick. In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57o5j9/having_sex_when/
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What's next to Moscow?

Pa's cow.
I'll show myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57o58l/whats_next_to_moscow/
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An officer was fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job...

No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high wanking officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57o2ku/an_officer_was_fired_for_smoking_weed_and/
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Did you see that Walmart will be closing about 500 stores by the end of the year...?

It's going to put about 12 cashiers out of work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57o22l/did_you_see_that_walmart_will_be_closing_about/
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What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite movie?

IT'S FUCKING FROZEN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ny7x/whats_gordon_ramsays_favorite_movie/
%
I have sensitive teeth...

And I'm afraid I'll say something that will hurt their fillings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nxy3/i_have_sensitive_teeth/
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What are Mario's pants made out of?

DenimDenimDenim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nuxw/what_are_marios_pants_made_out_of/
%
A drunk staggered up to the ho

tel reception desk and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nujn/a_drunk_staggered_up_to_the_ho/
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nti6/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
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Elaphant inside a fridge

Student: Sir, can I ask a question?
Teacher: Yes!
Student: How do you put an
elephant inside a fridge?
Teacher: I don't know.
Student: It's easy, you just open
the fridge and put it in. I have
another question!
Teacher: Ok, ask.
Student: How to put a donkey
inside the fridge?
Teacher: It's easy, you just open
the fridge and put it in.
Student: No sir, You just open the
fridge take out the elephant and put
it in.
Teacher: Ooh...ok!!
Student: Let me ask another one. If
all the animals went to the lion's
birthday party, and one animal went
missing which one would it be?
Teacher: The lion of course!
Because it would eat all the animals.
Student: No sir, it is the donkey
because it's still inside the fridge.
Teacher: Are you kidding me?
Student: No sir, 1 last question.
Teacher: Ok!
Student: If there's a river full of
crocodiles and you wanted to cross,
how would you?
Teacher: There's no way, I would
need a boat to cross.
Student: No sir, you just swim and
cross it because all the
animals went to the lion's birthday
party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nss9/elaphant_inside_a_fridge/
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If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now

"Everyone in Moscow commits suicide"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nsjp/if_hillary_nukes_russia_i_can_see_the_headlines/
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Wives are like grenades...

Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nr83/wives_are_like_grenades/
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Young boy: Mommy, Mommy I can't stop spinning in circles!

Mommy: Shut up, or I will nail your other foot to the floor too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57np7z/young_boy_mommy_mommy_i_cant_stop_spinning_in/
%
Dark humour is like a kid with cancer...

...it never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nnhj/dark_humour_is_like_a_kid_with_cancer/
%
where do sperm go when they die?

The sementery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nluf/where_do_sperm_go_when_they_die/
%
My friend got a dog for his wife.

I told him it was a fair trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nlf4/my_friend_got_a_dog_for_his_wife/
%
So a blonde goes to a lying competition...

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.
On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for the microphone, grasping for any idea, and stares at the crowd. "hmm, let me think about this", she mutters to herself.
The crowd breaks into cheers and applause, confetti falls from the sky, and the Judge walks up to her, and gives her the first place award.
( i think this is original, it works better the way my father said it in hindi, but it I hope yall like it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57njz0/so_a_blonde_goes_to_a_lying_competition/
%
What did the Canadian say when asked what he thought about stereotypes?

Eh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57niy5/what_did_the_canadian_say_when_asked_what_he/
%
My uncle spoke of his time in Soviet Russia back in the day

He said there were only 2 channels on TV. He said Channel 1 was propaganda, and channel 2 was a KGB pointing a Kalashnikov at the screen saying "Turn back to channel 1!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nikz/my_uncle_spoke_of_his_time_in_soviet_russia_back/
%
If I had 50 cents for every time I got a math problem wrong...

Id have $1.74

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nd5s/if_i_had_50_cents_for_every_time_i_got_a_math/
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Mountains are not funny.

They're hill-areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nd4d/mountains_are_not_funny/
%
My friends think I'm racist for wanting Hitler to have finished what he started...

Is it really that bad that I like his art?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nd2j/my_friends_think_im_racist_for_wanting_hitler_to/
%
My buddy and I started a mountaineering business 6 months ago, and things haven't been going so well.

We may have peaked early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nb7p/my_buddy_and_i_started_a_mountaineering_business/
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What did one boob say to the other boob?

Hey man if we don't get some support soon, they're gonna think we're nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nazo/what_did_one_boob_say_to_the_other_boob/
%
Racecar spelt backwards is racecar

But racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nayy/racecar_spelt_backwards_is_racecar/
%
I'm not sexist...

Because that's wrong and being wrong is for women...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nae9/im_not_sexist/
%
In the UK it is legal to have sex with a girl when she leaves school...

So, 3.15pm??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57nad6/in_the_uk_it_is_legal_to_have_sex_with_a_girl/
%
I Saw a Huge Seagull Today

It was big enough to be a D Gull.
But not quite big enough to be an Eagle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57n9c7/i_saw_a_huge_seagull_today/
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I left my girlfriend because her orgasms were too brief.

I just could not accept her shortcomings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57n87k/i_left_my_girlfriend_because_her_orgasms_were_too/
%
Yesterday I gave my seat to a blind man.

Today I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57n4my/yesterday_i_gave_my_seat_to_a_blind_man/
%
I remember once when my dad gave me money...

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57n2xn/i_remember_once_when_my_dad_gave_me_money/
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Covered for my buddy who works at the sex toy shop...

He had to run to the bank, I told him I'd cover for him.
Customer came in, asked about the white dildo. I said $20 bucks and he bought it.
Another customer came in, asked about the huge purple dildo, I said $35 bucks, and he bought it.
Third customer came in and asked about the big plaid dildo on the shelf behind me. "Not for sale," I told him. "Come on, it looks awesome, just sell it to me."
I said, "Fine, $135." He paused a minute and said, "Well, you only live once, it's a deal!"
My buddy came back and asked how things went and I said, "Great! I got $20 for the white dildo, $35 for the purple one, and you won't believe this, but I got $135 for your thermos."
^(Credit to Martin Mull who told that joke on "Green Room with Paul Provenza".)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57my4f/covered_for_my_buddy_who_works_at_the_sex_toy_shop/
%
At first I wondered.. How on earth does Hillary Clinton sleep at night?

Then I realised - First she *lies* on one side, then she *lies* on the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mx6n/at_first_i_wondered_how_on_earth_does_hillary/
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3 Dogs are sitting in a Vet's office...

3 dogs are in the waiting room at a Vet's office.
One dog asks another, "what are you here for?"
The dog replies, "I'm a chewer. I chew furniture, I chew the kids toys, I chew my own ass. So they're gonna put me on Doggy Prozac"
He asks the first dog, "what are you here for?"
The dog replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on the floor, I piss on my master's shoes, I piss on the furniture.... Doggy Prozac for me too"
They ask the third dog, a Great Dane, why he's there.
He says "I'm a humper. I hump pillows, I hump the cat, and last night my owner was getting out of the shower and dropped her towel, when she bent over to pick it up I couldn't help myself, I just jumped on her back and started humping."
The first dog says "So.... doggy prozac for you too I guess?"
The Great Dane says "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mx41/3_dogs_are_sitting_in_a_vets_office/
%
What's a pedophile's favorite type of shoe?

White vans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mwkj/whats_a_pedophiles_favorite_type_of_shoe/
%
An American, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all go into a bar

They each order one beer from the barkeep, and shortly after he returns with their beers, a fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman cries out in disgust and demands a new beer. The American picks the fly out of his drink and starts to sip at his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out and starts to shout “Spit it out!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mw2p/an_american_an_irishman_and_a_frenchman_all_go/
%
I Ejaculated 6 Feet Earlier.

Which is weird, as I usually ejaculate semen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mto2/i_ejaculated_6_feet_earlier/
%
I gave my dog my Netflix password

Which ended up being problematic. See, I'm raising him to be an atheist. I came home one day to find him sitting on the couch upset. He said "My whole life is a lie, you've lying to me. I just found out where all dogs go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57msep/i_gave_my_dog_my_netflix_password/
%
As a child I was always taught there is a brain in my skull.

Now I can't get it out of my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mrs7/as_a_child_i_was_always_taught_there_is_a_brain/
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What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs, or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mpr8/what_doesnt_belong_in_this_list_meat_eggs_wife/
%
Great Barrier Reef is 'almost dead', say scientists

It is officially being downgraded to a "Good Barrier Reef".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mpoz/great_barrier_reef_is_almost_dead_say_scientists/
%
Yo mama so fat..

...she took one selfie and her brand new phone said "Insufficient storage".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mpcx/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
What disappears but isn't magic?

My dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mpcw/what_disappears_but_isnt_magic/
%
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine

But Catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mp5j/dogs_cant_operate_an_mri_machine/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mmb7/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
A guy called into work and says, “Hey, boss! What’s the difference between work and your daughter?”

"I'm not coming into work this morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mlv0/a_guy_called_into_work_and_says_hey_boss_whats/
%
What car is it best to grow grass on?

K-K-K-Kia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mkbl/what_car_is_it_best_to_grow_grass_on/
%
Two muffins are sitting in an oven

The first one says "Man it sure is hot in here"
The second one replies "JESUS RIVERDANCING CHRIST A TALKING MUFFIN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mjzd/two_muffins_are_sitting_in_an_oven/
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What's the difference between a rooster and a nymphomaniac?

One says a-cock-a-doodle-do and the other says a-cock-or-two-will-do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mjlw/whats_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_a/
%
I thought I was wrong once

But I was mistaken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57mj7t/i_thought_i_was_wrong_once/
%
Go ahead, call 911!

We'll see who comes first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57md6n/go_ahead_call_911/
%
A man walks into a Pharmacy.........

.......and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me Horny.. keep me Potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The man says, "Great. Gimme three boxes."
The next day the man walks into the same pharmacy. Limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.
The Pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's Penis is Black and Blue, and the Skin is Hanging off in Some Places.
The man says, "Quick. Gimme a bottle of deep heat."
The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put deep heat on that!"
The Man says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57m7j7/a_man_walks_into_a_pharmacy/
%
So a pair of cannibals are sitting down to a nice meal...

...of Jerry Seinfeld.
A while into the meal, one of the cannibals says,
"I'm going for the forehead, do you want any?" as he cuts a slice from the front of Jerry's scalp. The other cannibal declines, shaking his head and saying,
"What's the deal with hairline food?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57m7cy/so_a_pair_of_cannibals_are_sitting_down_to_a_nice/
%
Why are hunters good love-makers?

They always go deep in the bush, they can shoot more than once, and eat what they shoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57m6x9/why_are_hunters_good_lovemakers/
%
Today, I saw a black guy wave to an Asian from across the street. It gives me hope for the future...

Rush Hour 4!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57m60p/today_i_saw_a_black_guy_wave_to_an_asian_from/
%
Broken puppets for sale...

No strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57m2ql/broken_puppets_for_sale/
%
The Three Unwritten Rules Of Life

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lz8u/the_three_unwritten_rules_of_life/
%
A guy walks in on his daughter masturbating with a pickle

"Sick!" he says. "I was going to eat that. Now it's going to taste like pickle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lyhs/a_guy_walks_in_on_his_daughter_masturbating_with/
%
My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lx3s/my_brother_just_updated_his_status_to_i_love_my/
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A mysterious millionaire decides to throw a pool party

People all over town receive invitations, and they're confused having never heard from him before. But they all show up to his house and proceed to the backyard, as instructed by a butler. When they're in the backyard, they're all looking around at the amazing landscaping and they all gasp when they see the pool- ITS FILLED WITH ALLIGATORS! Then the millionaire steps forward, "thank you all for coming. The reason I invited you all is that I know you are all members of the community and I've always wanted to give back. But I only want to give to the brave and smart. Here is my challenge for you: you must swim across the pool and survive, and I'll give you anything. I'm a very wealthy man and I can afford it." All of a sudden, a murmur breaks out among the crowd. The people begin to glance at each other nervously. Then, a loud splash rings out! Everybody looks at the pool and they see a man dipping, diving, and dodging between all the alligators. Then the man in the pool reaches the end of the pool and climbs out. The millionaire claps him on the back and cries out "that was the bravest thing I've ever seen. What do want, you can have anything!"
The man replies " I want the name of the son of a bitch who threw me in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lvnn/a_mysterious_millionaire_decides_to_throw_a_pool/
%
A man with Alzheimer's walks into a bar.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lv07/a_man_with_alzheimers_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What is the title of Martha Stewart's culinary anthology?

"Cooking: The Books"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57luak/what_is_the_title_of_martha_stewarts_culinary/
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Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided...

...if I should move to Canada or New Zealand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lssx/only_a_few_weeks_left_before_election_day_in_the/
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Hill and Don go to a bakery...

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go to a bakery.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.
Then Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lr7j/hill_and_don_go_to_a_bakery/
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A boy was having suspicions that he was adopted...

He decided to sit down with his dad in the living room to express his worries.
Clearly anxious, he hesitantly asked "Dad, am I adopted?"
His dad looked quite surprised but promptly replied: "Not yet, we haven't found anyone who'll take you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lq5y/a_boy_was_having_suspicions_that_he_was_adopted/
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Don't let...

...an extra chromosome get you down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lq19/dont_let/
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Two Hungry Soldiers (Disgusting)

After a long, big battle , there are two enemy soldiers left on the battlefield. They decide to make peace and look for food because they are very, VERY hungry. They look food for 2 hours but cannot find something.
Soldier 1 says " I can't take this anymore!" and walks to a nearby dead soldier. Other one follows, curious. Soldier 1 takes his knife and cuts the dead soldiers belly. Behold, half digested pasta.
Both soldiers very hungry and disgusted, Soldier 1 asks Soldier 2 if he wants some. Soldier 2 declines and watchs in disgust as Soldier 1 finishes his meal.
After 10 minutes, Soldier 2 says "Dude, there was some hair in your pasta." Soldier 1 vomits his entire food. Immediatly, Soldier 2 eats that food. Then turns around to his new friend and says "Thanks, cold pasta disgusts me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lo3o/two_hungry_soldiers_disgusting/
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I just ended a 5 year relationship!

I am fine though because it wasn't my relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ln7l/i_just_ended_a_5_year_relationship/
%
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

(gotta love the classics)
You can unscrew a light bulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lmor/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
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After sex a woman tells a man that she didn't like his performance, that his organ was to small.

He looks at her and says "I didn't know I would be playing in a cathedral".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lli0/after_sex_a_woman_tells_a_man_that_she_didnt_like/
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I shot my clock

I guess you could say I kill time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57llbt/i_shot_my_clock/
%
Two Men were out fishing...

... when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 25cm long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 25 cm BIC"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lk6k/two_men_were_out_fishing/
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I sexually identify as a Canadian...

I'm eh-sexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lk04/i_sexually_identify_as_a_canadian/
%
Why does Peter pan always fly?

Because he Neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lhw0/why_does_peter_pan_always_fly/
%
I lost my dishwasher, washingmashine, dryer, iron, stove, and vacumcleaner today.

Her funeral will be this saturday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lgv5/i_lost_my_dishwasher_washingmashine_dryer_iron/
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Should English be the only official language of the EU?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lfp0/should_english_be_the_only_official_language_of/
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Username goes to the store.

He buys three oranges and goes to the till.
Username checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lcdl/username_goes_to_the_store/
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A nurse takes out a rectal thermometer from her shirt pocket

And thinks,
Some asshole has got my pen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lc00/a_nurse_takes_out_a_rectal_thermometer_from_her/
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A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods.

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned ☝her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lb6m/a_women_is_out_golfing_and_finds_a_frog_trapped/
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear......Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lb4e/a_mother_is_in_the_kitchen_making_dinner_for_her/
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What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung?

Guardians of the Galaxy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lawe/what_do_you_call_the_security_guards_outside_of/
%
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57lah0/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
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When i was younger i had part of my colon removed

Now i only have a semicolon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57l7xy/when_i_was_younger_i_had_part_of_my_colon_removed/
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What’s the worst thing about being an atheist?

You have no one to call to when you’re having an orgasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57l50d/whats_the_worst_thing_about_being_an_atheist/
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What is Donald Trump's favourite nation?

Discrimination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57l1xo/what_is_donald_trumps_favourite_nation/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ksmp/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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How does Princess Leia masturbate?

Hand Solo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57kor6/how_does_princess_leia_masturbate/
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Where do you hide after killing a black person?

behind a badge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57kjvd/where_do_you_hide_after_killing_a_black_person/
%
A rich guy and his poor drinking buddy were at the bar before Christmas...

The rich guy, making small talk, goes
"So I got my wife a new diamond ring and a BMW for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll still love the Beemer!"
The poor guy goes:
"Huh, well I got my wife a pair of pantyhose and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the pantyhose, she can go fuck herself."
(Thanks Dad.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57khzw/a_rich_guy_and_his_poor_drinking_buddy_were_at/
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A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years

packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57khmy/a_man_comes_home_to_find_his_wife_of_10_years/
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What's Hitler's favorite music genre?

Reich and Roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ke0c/whats_hitlers_favorite_music_genre/
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A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike.

While taking a shortcut through a dark part of the park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.
They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and even the Motorbike, but couldn’t find any jewellery from the girl.
When the muggers had gone, the father asked his daughter, "Did they take your new diamond ring as well Dear?"
"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you."
"Hid it?? Where?", asked the father, "I saw them search you too."
"Well Dad, I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... Pee Pee Place." said the girl shyly.
"Damn", swore the father.
"If only your mother were here, perhaps we could have saved my Motor Bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57kapy/a_middle_aged_guy_and_his_teenage_daughter_were/
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If Hillary wins, I'm leaving the country. If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country.

It's not like I don't like either one. I just love to travel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57kaec/if_hillary_wins_im_leaving_the_country_if_trump/
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I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57kac9/im_very_good_friends_with_25_letters_of_the/
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There are 10 types of people in this world

Those that understand binary.
The eight types that don't give a fuck.
And those that expected this to be a ternary repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57k9mk/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Two sausages are in a pan.

One looks at the other and says, "Gosh, it's hot in here", and the other sausage says,  "JESUS CRIST, IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57k8v1/two_sausages_are_in_a_pan/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57k6ap/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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I spent the entire day hanging out at the swimming pool

Until someone told me and I eventually tucked it back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57k5z6/i_spent_the_entire_day_hanging_out_at_the/
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Who do mice worship?

Cheesus. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57k18w/who_do_mice_worship/
%
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jzru/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
Bill Clinton died and went to heaven..

As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "what are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "those are the Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on the clock will move.
"Oh", said Bill, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies his entire life."
"Where's Hillary's clock?" Bill asked.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jye1/bill_clinton_died_and_went_to_heaven/
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Never date a girl named Autumn

because she'll leave you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jy95/never_date_a_girl_named_autumn/
%
I want to become an artist

I heard there's a lot of monet in that business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jxn0/i_want_to_become_an_artist/
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I asked my wife for the newspaper

I said to my wife, "Get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."
The spider didn't see that coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jw4s/i_asked_my_wife_for_the_newspaper/
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What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jvxn/whats_forrest_gumps_facebook_password/
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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

a Roman Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jv7i/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
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My dog once bit a little boy so I had to put him down...

he was going to tell his mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57juq9/my_dog_once_bit_a_little_boy_so_i_had_to_put_him/
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meat Patty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jt31/how_did_the_butcher_introduce_his_wife/
%
My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jrtt/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_she_couldnt_handle/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are sitting in the first grade, who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jqnf/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_sitting_in/
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Have you seen the movie about a lone piece of graph paper?

The plot was a bit scattered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jq66/have_you_seen_the_movie_about_a_lone_piece_of/
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I asked my North Korean friend...

...how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jpjt/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend/
%
I recently met someone who told me that he couldn't smell.

I don't think he nose what he's missing out on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jpbt/i_recently_met_someone_who_told_me_that_he/
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I didn't think I was from Africa but I must be,

Because every time I go to a chatroom Botswana get with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jpab/i_didnt_think_i_was_from_africa_but_i_must_be/
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What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jo8x/whats_the_difference_between_love_true_love_and/
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So I'm gay and single ....

Does that make me homolone?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jn7v/so_im_gay_and_single/
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket filled with manure?

The bucket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jl2w/whats_the_difference_between_a_lawyer_and_a/
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What's a hipsters favorite season?

Summer, they like it before it's cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jkcz/whats_a_hipsters_favorite_season/
%
At the end of a one-way street is a lever that, when flipped, will end the world...

A mailman drives there to deliver a package. He looks down at his watch for a second. When he looks up, there is a boy in the road. If the mailman were to swerve to avoid the boy, he would hit the lever and end the world. After frantic seconds of decision, he hits and kills the boy.
Moral of the story? Better Nate than lever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jk03/at_the_end_of_a_oneway_street_is_a_lever_that/
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Roses are red, Violets are blue

I have Alzheimer's
To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jjui/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A megasoreass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jfcb/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
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Oxygen and Magnesium walk into a bar...

OMg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jbrn/oxygen_and_magnesium_walk_into_a_bar/
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The Girlfriend Joke

So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself.
Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?"
And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel.
So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh... No thanks, I'm good."
"Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out."
So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this."
So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner."
So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick.
A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it."
So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever.
So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream.
So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me."
I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great."
She says, "Well...alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow."
So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again."
"Wait, what? Why not? What happened?"
"Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me."
"I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person"
"She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me."
"I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow."
I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on.
So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up.
Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her.
Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE.
And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57jb2k/the_girlfriend_joke/
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A golf tale...

A man was playing golf in Ireland one day, when a wayward shot landed in the woods.
When he found the ball, he saw that it had hit a leprechaun on the head.
"I'm so sorry, let me get you some Ice" he offered to the fallen leprechaun.
"Aye, there is no need for that, but because you are so kind, I will grant thee three wishes."
The man said thank you very much, and went on with his game.
Once the man had turned him down, the leprechaun made the decision to grant him three wishes anyway, so he said "I wish him a great golf game, great wealth and a fantastic sex life."
A few years later, the man is back in Ireland, and once again he bumps into the Leprechaun.
"How are you doing my friend?"
"Fantastic! You wouldn't believe it, but since I met you, my golf game has been great. As a matter of fact I am actually playing on the pro tour!"
"So you're wealthy then?"
"Why yes, beyond my wildest dreams!"
"and how's your sex life?"
"That's personal!"
"C'mon, just between us boys."
"Well, maybe one or twice a week."
"Once or twice a week? That's nothing!"
"Hey, it's pretty good for a priest!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57j9lx/a_golf_tale/
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At the Hotel Bar...

A man was sitting at a hotel bar, when a group of men sat down next to him and ordered a round of drinks.
"You guys with a convention?"
"Yes, we're with the Gynecology conference"
"Really? I was this close" he holds up his finger and thumb about an inch apart "to becoming a Gynecologist."
"So what did you end up doing?"
"I'm a proctologist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57j7xt/at_the_hotel_bar/
%
The pessimist in me says 'the glass is half empty'...

The optimist in me says 'at least it's whiskey'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57j7rf/the_pessimist_in_me_says_the_glass_is_half_empty/
%
Doctor says my kid has some form of hereditary ADHD

He explained it to me, but I didn't really listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57j602/doctor_says_my_kid_has_some_form_of_hereditary/
%
My gf could be a an NFL running back

she will *not* go down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57j4yb/my_gf_could_be_a_an_nfl_running_back/
%
The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who

He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57j26u/the_pope_is_a_lot_like_doctor_who/
%
Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57j0xi/smoking_two_cigarettes_at_once/
%
Two College Students

Two college students were sitting at a law course. The professor hated them and will always pick on them with the purpose of failing them. One day, one of the students stands and says,
"Ok, professor, I'm tired of you trying to fail me, so let me ask you a question about law since you are so fucking brilliant at it. If you can't answer me, pass me."
The professor ponders and then says, "Deal."
The student says:
"What is legal, but not logical, logical but not legal and neither legal nor logical?"
The professor takes a step back, think for a minute, frowns and says angrily to the student:
"Fine, you pass. Leave and don't come back"
The student, happy with victory packs his stuff and leaves.
After the first student leaves the second student stands up and says:
"Professor, I thunk I have the answer to his question, if I get it right will you pass me too?"
"Fine"
"Alright, what's legal but not logical is the fact you, being 75 years old, have a 25 year old wife. What's logical but illegal is that your 25 year old wife is cheating on you with a 22 year old student. What's illegal and illogical is the fact that you just passed the 22 year old student who's been fucking your wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57iyl0/two_college_students/
%
my favorite star wars character is luke skywalker

hand down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ixux/my_favorite_star_wars_character_is_luke_skywalker/
%
A bus stops and 2 men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
(I bet you're gonna read this joke again!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ixjo/a_bus_stops_and_2_men_get_on/
%
I told my girlfriend she'd look better with her hair back

Apparently that's not an appropriate thing to say to a chemo patient

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ivzy/i_told_my_girlfriend_shed_look_better_with_her/
%
Google Fonts walks into a bar . . .

The bartender says, "we don't serve your type."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57iu1p/google_fonts_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?

*Allah*v them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57irr5/how_many_muslims_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Have you heard about the new broom they invented?

Its sweeping the nation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ilp0/have_you_heard_about_the_new_broom_they_invented/
%
I struggle with an intense fear of becoming disabled

It's crippling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ij2i/i_struggle_with_an_intense_fear_of_becoming/
%
A gorilla at a zoo dies

.  This gorilla was particularly popular, so the staff is desperate for a replacement.
Not sure what else to do, they decide to hire a guy to dress up in a gorilla costume.  The man is a convincing actor, and the exhibit is as popular as ever.  He thumps his chest, climbs trees, and even swings from vines.  The public loves the exhibit, and nobody suspects that it's not a real gorilla.
One day, while swinging from a vine, he swings too far and lands in the next cage, which houses lions.
Startled by the noise, the leader of the pride stalks toward the intruder.
The gorilla man is terrified.  "Help!" he yells to the crowd forming around the cage.  "Let me out!  Let me out!"
"Shut up!" says the lion.  "You'll get us both fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ihqa/a_gorilla_at_a_zoo_dies/
%
[Cringe] Why did the farmer bandage the goat?

Because it was "bleat"ing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ih7k/cringe_why_did_the_farmer_bandage_the_goat/
%
Here's a poem : I dig, you dig, he digs, we dig, you dig, they dig...

... It may not be beautiful, but it's pretty deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57iguc/heres_a_poem_i_dig_you_dig_he_digs_we_dig_you_dig/
%
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed woman on a tricycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ifw3/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57iek1/a_new_study_shows_that_unvaccinated_children_are/
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[Long] Doctor vs. Engineer

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ie53/long_doctor_vs_engineer/
%
So I'm 30 and Charlotte is 21. Went out last night and we kept getting funny looks like I was some sort of peadophile. Does anyone else think that age is just a number?

It's completely ruined our 10 year anniversary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ie4t/so_im_30_and_charlotte_is_21_went_out_last_night/
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What is the best way to find out if someone is ticklish?

Use your test tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57i8lf/what_is_the_best_way_to_find_out_if_someone_is/
%
In the gynecologist

There were three women in the gynecologist taking prenatal exams.
The doctor asked the first woman:
– In which position were the babies conceived?
And she said:
– He was on top.
– You are going to have a boy!! - the doctor said.
And the doctor asked the same question the second woman:
– I was on top.
– You are going to have a girl!
In that, the third woman, the blond one, began to cry.
– What's wrong lady?
– I'm... I'm... I'm going to have puppiiiiieeeeees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57i6c8/in_the_gynecologist/
%
A blonde can not sleep because she is suspicious of her husband...

So, she goes over every room in the house to check if everything is OK. She opens the first door and whispers "this is my daughter" and closes the door, opens the next door and says "this is my son" and goes to the next room. While opening the door she sees a naked blonde woman in bed with her husband. She whispers "well, this is my husband and this is me". "Thanks God, everything seems OK, now I can sleep well".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57i4rh/a_blonde_can_not_sleep_because_she_is_suspicious/
%
I once told a joke about Hinduism on r/jokes...

It was instant karma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57i48d/i_once_told_a_joke_about_hinduism_on_rjokes/
%
An atheist, a Muslim, and a Born-again Christian are seated together on a plane.

They have a pleasant flight because they're not assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57i27r/an_atheist_a_muslim_and_a_bornagain_christian_are/
%
What does Monica Lewinsky and a soda machine have in common?

They both say "insert Bill here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57i1ko/what_does_monica_lewinsky_and_a_soda_machine_have/
%
What's the Penalty for Bigamy in Utah?

Two mothers-in-law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57i14x/whats_the_penalty_for_bigamy_in_utah/
%
What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobian's mind?

His teeth...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hz5z/what_was_the_last_thing_to_go_through_kurt/
%
The power of Maths

One day, a box wouldn't open, a Lawyer came, applied all the laws he knew, it didn't open, a Chemist came, applied all reactions he knew, and the box wouldn't open, a Physicist came, applied all forces, it still didn't open, then a Mathematician came and said : " Let's assume the box is open "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hyp0/the_power_of_maths/
%
My laundry business makes tens of millions a year

Really helped that I started it across the street from GoldmanSacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hymw/my_laundry_business_makes_tens_of_millions_a_year/
%
Why does a space rock taste better than an earth rock?

It's a little meteor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hw2h/why_does_a_space_rock_taste_better_than_an_earth/
%
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High Definition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hvia/what_do_you_call_a_dictionary_on_drugs/
%
Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, “They blow up so fast, don't they?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hulh/two_arabs_sit_in_the_gaza_strip_enjoying_a_quiet/
%
Growing up, it always my childhood dream to study populations...

...then I came to my census

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57huld/growing_up_it_always_my_childhood_dream_to_study/
%
I've been watching my new neighbor through the blinds now for over a week.

He's so creepy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hq0x/ive_been_watching_my_new_neighbor_through_the/
%
My wife is always walking into things and getting hurt.

Yesterday, it was our bedroom while I was screwing her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57howl/my_wife_is_always_walking_into_things_and_getting/
%
Say what you want about Donald Trump...

...While you still can...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hnfv/say_what_you_want_about_donald_trump/
%
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hkb0/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
%
A young boy walks into a Brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him...

He approaches the Madam of the Brothel and promptly asks for a girl. The woman looks him over and says "I can't do that for a boy of your age". The boy drops a wad of cash in front of her and repeats his request. The madam ponders, and then tells him "alright, first door on the left". Before the boy leaves he asks the madam another question. "Can I have a girl with herpes?" The madam, again, denies his request. The boy drops another wad of cash in front of her. She reluctantly accepts and says "alright, end of the hall, the door on the right". The boy disappears down the hallway into the room, all while still dragging the dead frog on its string. He comes out a short time after and as he is walking out of the brothel the Madam calls to him. "Hey! I have a few questions for you!". The boy turns and nods to her. "Well, first off, what's with the frog on a string? Secondly why would you ever request a girl with herpes?" The boy pauses and says to the woman, "Well now I have herpes. I'm going to go home and fuck the babysitter, then she will have herpes. Later tonight my dad is going to drive her home and he's gonna fuck her outside her house, then he will have herpes. He's going to go home and fuck my mom and she will get herpes. Tomorrow morning she's going to fuck the milk man and he will get herpes and he's the son of a bitch that ran over my frog".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hg6i/a_young_boy_walks_into_a_brothel_dragging_a_dead/
%
I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill,

but instead I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I had done and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside our house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity. Then my dad beat the crap out of me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hd88/i_remember_once_when_my_dad_gave_me_money_to_pay/
%
What happens when someone overdoses on Viagra?

They die hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hc2x/what_happens_when_someone_overdoses_on_viagra/
%
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.
My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.
You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.
The doctor says,”I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady comes back.
“Doctor,”she says,”I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent…stink terribly.”
The doctor says,”Good !!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hbwm/a_little_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says/
%
What do you call a smug criminal going downstairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hbi7/what_do_you_call_a_smug_criminal_going_downstairs/
%
TIL Pigeons die when they have sex

At least the one I fucked did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57hbfq/til_pigeons_die_when_they_have_sex/
%
To the person that stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ha4o/to_the_person_that_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft/
%
Exclamations can really change a sentence.

For example:
I like eating pizza.
I like eating exclamations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57h2xm/exclamations_can_really_change_a_sentence/
%
"wanna hear a blonde joke?"

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m 1.83m tall, 80kg black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 1.88m, weighs 100kg, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 1.97m, pushing 140kg, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57h1pi/wanna_hear_a_blonde_joke/
%
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that or daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work."
"Why not?"
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57h0sj/mommy_what_were_you_doing_bouncing_on_daddys/
%
I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gzxs/i_get_so_angry_whenever_i_see_someone_with_their/
%
I saw a black guy riding a bike...

At first I thought it was mine, then I realized mine is at home, washing the dishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gzw3/i_saw_a_black_guy_riding_a_bike/
%
One day a hermit comes down from the mountains and into town.

He goes into the saloon and has a drink. He says to the bartender, "are there any women around here?". The bartender tells him "no, but there's old joe out back". The hermit says no thanks I don't go for that stuff, finishes his drink and heads back up into the mountains. Six months later he comes back to town and back to the same saloon. He has a drink and again asks the bartender if there were any women in town. Again the bartender tells him "no, but there's old joe out back". The hermit says "bah I told you I'm not into that", and heads back into the mountains. Another six months goes by and the hermit comes back to town and goes back into the saloon. He asks the bartender, "so do you have any women around here yet? The bartender tells him there's still no women, but there's still old joe out back.
So the hermit leans toward the bartender and lowers his voice and says "if I go out back with old joe, who's going to know about it?". The bartender looks at him and say's "well you'll know about it, and I'll know about it, and of course old joe will know about it". "Then there's the three other guys out back, they'll know about it". The hermit say's, "three guys? what three guys?". The bartender says, "the three guys that have to hold old joe down, he's not into that either".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gymx/one_day_a_hermit_comes_down_from_the_mountains/
%
Which race is the most racist?

The human one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gx56/which_race_is_the_most_racist/
%
An aspiring rapper finds a genie in a bottle...

"What are your three wishes?" the genie asks?
"First, I want to bring back Tupac and Biggie," he says.  POOF! Tupac Shakir and Notorious B.I.G. appear beside him.
"Next I want to us all to live in Snoop's crib."  POOF!  The three are kicking it inside Snoop Dogg's huge mansion.
"Third, I want to fuck Kim Kardashian's little brown asshole. POOF!  He's balls deep in Kanye West.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gw2l/an_aspiring_rapper_finds_a_genie_in_a_bottle/
%
My office's password has been hacked.

That's the third time i've had to rename the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gv10/my_offices_password_has_been_hacked/
%
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gtlv/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
%
I ate four cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

Then I had probably the biggest vowel movement ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57grgo/i_ate_four_cans_of_alphabet_soup_yesterday/
%
Why your mom never took you to the zoo

They wouldn't allow you to leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gqkr/why_your_mom_never_took_you_to_the_zoo/
%
An American walks into a pub in Australia...

...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck i've ever seen in my life.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gpgh/an_american_walks_into_a_pub_in_australia/
%
Some people want Puerto Rico to become the 51st State...

I say let's do it, and find two more new states.
Then we'd have 53 states.
A nice PRIME number...
ONE NATION - INDIVISIBLE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gn29/some_people_want_puerto_rico_to_become_the_51st/
%
8 girls asked me out today

The trick is to go into the Woman's Washroom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gmpl/8_girls_asked_me_out_today/
%
A man comes home and goes to bed with his wife...

Suddenly, he gets mad and says "floral bed sheets? Don't you know that I hate floral bed sheets?" and goes under the bed in a huff. He meets another naked man under the bed and tells him "apparently, you don't like floral bed sheets either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gm9g/a_man_comes_home_and_goes_to_bed_with_his_wife/
%
I'm looking for a "rule of three" type joke for some German friends

I hear they like drei humour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57glhv/im_looking_for_a_rule_of_three_type_joke_for_some/
%
What is the hardest thing to do after starting a family?

Ending them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gjxy/what_is_the_hardest_thing_to_do_after_starting_a/
%
They cooled a man to absolute zero

He is 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gjsd/they_cooled_a_man_to_absolute_zero/
%
How do mathematicians kill themselves

With a hypota-noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gjq1/how_do_mathematicians_kill_themselves/
%
I love how music takes you to a different place

Like Taylow Swift is playing at this resturant, so now i'll go to another resturant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gg3b/i_love_how_music_takes_you_to_a_different_place/
%
I wish I had emo hair

So it would cut itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gg04/i_wish_i_had_emo_hair/
%
What does the Mexican kid say as his homework flys out of the window?

Ayyee essay, where are you going?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gfvx/what_does_the_mexican_kid_say_as_his_homework/
%
Breast feeding

I hate when people tell me to stop breast feeding in public.
I mean, whenever a baby does it it's natural but when I do it it's sexual assault

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ge8y/breast_feeding/
%
When someone botched a joke.

Teacher: "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One clown says to the other 'does this taste funny?' "
Class: "umm"
Me to friend: "that was like a dead baby..."
Friend: "what?"
Me: "poor delivery"
This is probably the first joke I actually came up with myself. It felt good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gci6/when_someone_botched_a_joke/
%
I hate pedophiles.

Those guys are fucking immature assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gcbj/i_hate_pedophiles/
%
Awesome Reporting of the Accident

A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gc68/awesome_reporting_of_the_accident/
%
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting.

But no gorillas were shot on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57gadc/go_ahead_criticize_my_overprotective_parenting/
%
Lost in Jungle

Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him."You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57g99h/lost_in_jungle/
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Why don't Mexicans cross the border in 3's?

No tres passing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57g8w7/why_dont_mexicans_cross_the_border_in_3s/
%
I hate tacos.

-Said no Juan ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57g8mk/i_hate_tacos/
%
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, because he's too short to be an esé.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57g8jj/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian,

Then soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57g61t/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
%
A cop pulls over a driver on the highway

When the driver steps out of the vehicle for the officer, the officer is surprised to see a dozen penguins in the backseat of his car. The cop asks, "Sir, why are there 12 penguins in the back of your car?" The man replies by simply saying, "They're my pets."
The officer, knowing that there was no way a person could own penguins as a pet, calmly speaks to the man. He says, "Son, can you take those penguins to the zoo for me? I don't want to arrest you. The man agrees to the officer's wishes, and heads towards the nearest zoo, while the cop goes back to work.
However, the next day, the cop saw that same man on the highway. Sure enough, when the cop pulled the car over, it was the same man, in the same car, and with the same penguins. The officer, now angry, shouts at the man, "Sir, I told you to take those animals to the zoo!"
The man, now confused replies to the officer with a serious tone:
"I did take them to the zoo, and now I'm taking them to a movie theater!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57g4dc/a_cop_pulls_over_a_driver_on_the_highway/
%
Daughter's vibrator!

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57g42j/daughters_vibrator/
%
What do you call a Frenchman's penis?

A oui-oui.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57g1l1/what_do_you_call_a_frenchmans_penis/
%
A man walks into a bar with Harambe

Bartender: What can I get you ?
Harambe: I'll have a beer.
Man: No, he'll have just ice.
Bartender: Just ice?
Man: Yes, justice for Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57g0rz/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_harambe/
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Here comes the rape train.

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".
to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"
"Did you get a blow job?"
"Naw, I couldn't find her head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fzo9/here_comes_the_rape_train/
%
Did you hear about the antennas that got married?

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fx6h/did_you_hear_about_the_antennas_that_got_married/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a spear?

A spear has a point!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fw1d/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
Why did the slut go to the dentist?

Because she had a cavity that needs filling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fvwa/why_did_the_slut_go_to_the_dentist/
%
An Expensive Scuba Diving Store in My Town Just Opened

It went under

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fvhm/an_expensive_scuba_diving_store_in_my_town_just/
%
What do you call a potato from Colorado?

A baked potato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ftxj/what_do_you_call_a_potato_from_colorado/
%
People are always asking me why I named my pet newt 'Tiny'

It's because he's my newt.
^minute ^^means ^^^small

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fs50/people_are_always_asking_me_why_i_named_my_pet/
%
Two hunters walk along the forrest..

suddenly one of them just gasps, touches his chest, falls on the ground and does not move anymore. The other hunter panics and calls the emercency: "Hello hello?! I think my friend died, and we are in the middle of nowhere. I don't know what to do, please tell me what to do!"
The guy on the phone replies: "Please stay calm and make sure that your friend is dead indeed"
Then there is a short silence, a loud bang and the hunter returns on the phone: "Ok, done, what now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fqk2/two_hunters_walk_along_the_forrest/
%
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

See you next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fp3d/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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What is the most painful Russian dance?

Tchaikovsky's *The Nutcracker*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57focx/what_is_the_most_painful_russian_dance/
%
Newlyweds are on their honeymoon, lying in bed, when the wife says...

"I am so happy. We are going to have a wonderful life together. Is there anything I can do for you?"
The man replies, "Please give me a blowjob."
His wife quickly tells him, "I can't do that, honey. You wouldn't respect me."
Every anniversary the wife asks the same question and every year the husband asks for head.
Each time she replies, "I can't do that. You wouldn't respect me."
Finally, on their 50th anniversary, the husband says, "Look, we have spent 50 wonderful years together and raised a beautiful family. We are proud grandparents and both enjoying our retirement. Could you please give me a blowjob? It's all I ever wanted."
The wife thinks about it for a moment and despite her worries of her husband not respecting her, she decides to do it.
This blowjob was 50 years in the waiting and the man was thoroughly enjoying it.
A few moments into it, the phone rings.
The husband picks it up and looks down at his wife and hands the phone to her and says, "Here. It's for you, cocksucker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fo8r/newlyweds_are_on_their_honeymoon_lying_in_bed/
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Everybody laughed at me when I told them I was going to be a comedian.

I thought,"Well,that's not bad for a start."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fnx1/everybody_laughed_at_me_when_i_told_them_i_was/
%
A Man walkes into a bar...

He orders a drink and get's aware of a bucket full of gold nuggets standing behind the barman. He askes him about that. He replies:
"Well you can win this bucket, by fulfilling three tasks:
At first I gonna give you a full pint of whiskey and you have to drink it all by one.
Secondly I have a terrifying bloodhound behind the house who has rabies and you have to pull him a tooth.
At last you find my old grandma in a bed above and you have to give love to her for at least an hour."
The man says: "Well that won't be easy but I would like to try it"
With that the barman hands him the pine and the man, who is used to get a drink from time to time, is able to empty the glass in one sip.
He wavers a bit and speaks with a heavy thoung: "Let's do the second task." With that he stumbles outside and the people in the bar just hear screaming and shouting and barking and other terrifying noices from outside.
After a long time the man stumbles into the bar again his clothes riped apart and wounds all over it, shouting:
"Damn, I'm done yet, now were's that granny with the bad teeth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fmr7/a_man_walkes_into_a_bar/
%
A German, an American and a Russian......

A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fmq4/a_german_an_american_and_a_russian/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Actually, I should probably stop masturbating at this point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57flqt/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
Why won't you read this joke?

Cause you've already reddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fiks/why_wont_you_read_this_joke/
%
A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails.

The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree. Several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault.
He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers. He replied, “I don’t know what they looked like, it all happened so fast.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ff0i/a_sloth_was_walking_through_the_jungle_one_day/
%
Ever heard of the blind gynecologist?

He could read lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fer4/ever_heard_of_the_blind_gynecologist/
%
What is Hitler's favorite type of food?

Not Seafood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fe6a/what_is_hitlers_favorite_type_of_food/
%
BREAKING NEWS: Just in from a correspondent in the Middle East.

ISIS to buy all Samsung Galaxy Note 7. #note7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57fdf4/breaking_news_just_in_from_a_correspondent_in_the/
%
Yesterday I gave my seat to a blind man

Today I lost my job as a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57f9lo/yesterday_i_gave_my_seat_to_a_blind_man/
%
Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church

Priest says 'you're not allowed in here! Get out!' Higgs Boson looks at him confused, 'but without me you can't have mass.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57f8ur/higgs_boson_walks_into_a_catholic_church/
%
How many psychologists does it take to change a tire?

Just one, but first the tire really has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57f5zu/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
The Accountant

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57f2rr/the_accountant/
%
Did you hear about the one-armed man that robbed the bank?

He did it single-handedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57eykl/did_you_hear_about_the_onearmed_man_that_robbed/
%
I really hope someone brings their cat to Mars only to get it get run over

So we can finally say Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ewuy/i_really_hope_someone_brings_their_cat_to_mars/
%
Why was the physics teacher and the biology teacher always fighting?

They didn't have any chemistry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ewke/why_was_the_physics_teacher_and_the_biology/
%
What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57eqg7/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_leaves_church/
%
A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57eq8q/a_rabbi_a_priest_and_a_minister_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A man is sued and goes to court...

A man is sued for calling a lady a cow during a heated exchange at work. The man is asked by the judge to pay a small fine to the madam which he does immediately. Just before leaving the courtroom, the man and the judge have the following conversation:
"Your honor, may I ask you a question?"
"By all means sir"
"If i were to call a cow a madam, would I still have to pay a fine?"
"Of course not, that's crazy"
"Thank you your honor"
The man then turns to the woman and says:
"Have a good day madam"
And proceeds to walk out of tthe courtroom
(My dad just told me this in Serbian and it sounded better but this sort of works. Hope you get some gags!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ept5/a_man_is_sued_and_goes_to_court/
%
Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57env5/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_statistician/
%
Donald Trump walks into a bar with two guys, one named Moe Lester and the other Ray P. Kreap.

Bartender asks Moe Lester and Ray P. Kreap how they know Trump.
Trump answers, "Women are always screaming out their names when I touch them, so I figured they'd make great wingmen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57emn0/donald_trump_walks_into_a_bar_with_two_guys_one/
%
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ehse/how_did_the_telephone_propose_to_his_girlfriend/
%
A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some children's stories could become, asked a girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must have been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back and went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff!'
But before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57eg64/a_teacher_was_explaining_biology_to_her_4th_grade/
%
Why aren't orphans laughing?

Because jokes aren't apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57efb5/why_arent_orphans_laughing/
%
A man moves into a town with no women

After moving to Richardson, Steve noticed that there were no women anywhere in sight. He went to the town bar and asked the bartender, "Are there really no women in this town?" Bartender says, "That's 100% correct, sir." "So what do you guys do for sex?" Steve asked. "Well," replied the bartender, "everyone pays me $10 to fuck that barrel over there" He pointed over to a wooden barrel with a small hole cut into it. Steve looked at it and said, "Oh no- I'll *never* be *that* horny." "Oh, you will," the bartender said.
A month passes by and Steve's had enough of this. He goes back to the bar and says to the bartender, "Alright, here's my $10. I'm ready to fuck the barrel." Bartender tells him to go right ahead. So Steve walks over, drops his pants, and begins fucking the barrel... and he's amazed! It's the best sex he's ever had in his life! It felt so real and amazing!
After finishing, Steve walks back over to the bartender and says, "Holy crap! That's incredible! And I can just pay you $10 every time I want to use that?" The bartender looks at him and says, "That's right. The only day you can't use it on is Thursday." Puzzled, Steve said, "Why can't I use it on Thursday?" "Because," said the bartender, "Thursday's your turn in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57edyc/a_man_moves_into_a_town_with_no_women/
%
An engineer was unemployed for a long time.

He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.” One doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.” The engineer proceeds to hand him five $100 bills.
Doctor: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ecx7/an_engineer_was_unemployed_for_a_long_time/
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A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..."

*Poof* ... He disappears without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57e83k/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
%
Have no friends?

Tell a girl you love her. Do this over and over and soon you'll have many friends! :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57e6vy/have_no_friends/
%
A smoker is having a smoke outside a bar when he is approached by an older non-smoker...

"that's a horrible habit" says the non smoker.
"My grandmother lived to 94" he replies.
"And did she smoke?"
"No, she minded her own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57e56g/a_smoker_is_having_a_smoke_outside_a_bar_when_he/
%
The popularity of origami has increased

ten fold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57e4ex/the_popularity_of_origami_has_increased/
%
What languages do pigs speak

Porktuguese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57e2ql/what_languages_do_pigs_speak/
%
My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved.

Thank God it's negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57dynw/my_iq_test_results_just_came_in_and_im_really/
%
Where does big-foot keep his genitals?

In his sascrotch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57dyg0/where_does_bigfoot_keep_his_genitals/
%
There is only one sport in which I can get a high score.

It's golf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57dxer/there_is_only_one_sport_in_which_i_can_get_a_high/
%
The entire 15 years my wife and I have been married we only had one fight

and it's still not over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57doti/the_entire_15_years_my_wife_and_i_have_been/
%
The Baby Boomers decided to leave us with one last present.

This Presidential election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57dn8t/the_baby_boomers_decided_to_leave_us_with_one/
%
I am going bananas.

That's what I say to my bananas before I leave in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57dn48/i_am_going_bananas/
%
My girlfriend is like root(-1)

She's the one, but does not exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57dkv1/my_girlfriend_is_like_root1/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar...

The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57dkn1/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I went to a zoo, but they only had one animal there. That animal was was a dog.

It was a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57dfll/i_went_to_a_zoo_but_they_only_had_one_animal/
%
Now that I have quit smoking i see more and more each day how its like an old relationship...

You smell her perfume, see her out with another man
and all you can think of is the good times and
not how she took part of your life away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57dfj5/now_that_i_have_quit_smoking_i_see_more_and_more/
%
Today at school, my teacher said I needed to stop doing my impression of a Flamingo

That's when I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57debj/today_at_school_my_teacher_said_i_needed_to_stop/
%
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas.

Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57dbom/a_lady_is_having_a_bad_day_at_the_tables_in_vegas/
%
New genetics study shows that chronic diarrhea may be hereditary

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57dann/new_genetics_study_shows_that_chronic_diarrhea/
%
Hillary and trump

Hillary & Trump go into a bakery shop.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Trump steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to Hillary: “See how clever I am? The owner didn’t even see anything, and I don’t even need to lie. I will definitely win the election.”
Hillary says to Donald: “That’s the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same 3 pastries without stealing or lying, and also prove that I am much clever than you!”
Hillary goes to the owner of the bakery and says: “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick?” Intrigued, the owner accepts Hillary’s offer and gives her a pastry. Hillary swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives her another one. Then Hillary asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
By this time, the owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks: “What did you do with the pastries?”
Hillary replies: “Look in Donald’s pockets!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57d8l2/hillary_and_trump/
%
what do you call a gay sloth?

Slow-mosexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57d81b/what_do_you_call_a_gay_sloth/
%
My Mother in law said to me: "I’ll dance on your grave, when you're dead"

"Good!" I said, "I’m being buried at sea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57d7vj/my_mother_in_law_said_to_me_ill_dance_on_your/
%
Somewhere in the world, a woman gives birth once a minute.

It must suck to be her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57d7np/somewhere_in_the_world_a_woman_gives_birth_once_a/
%
Alahu Akbar

A man, who was on his way to work, was at a stop light when a car full of Muslims pulled up next to him. They started shouting at him saying "Alahu Akbar" and "Death to America". The man is a bit freaked out. When the light turned green the man waited so as to put some distance between himself and the Muslims. The Muslims accelerated quickly into the intersection and were promptly killed by a semi truck that ran the light. The man got to work and had a chance to think about what had happened. "That could have been ME!" he thought. So then and there he quit his job and got a new job as a truck driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57d71e/alahu_akbar/
%
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57d48r/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
%
I'm on a plane and I see my friend Jack.

Instinctively I say, "Hi Jack!"
Still don't understand why I was detained.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57d2hz/im_on_a_plane_and_i_see_my_friend_jack/
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I finally found an active Hillary Clinton sub with a lot of subscribers!

/r/politics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57d06l/i_finally_found_an_active_hillary_clinton_sub/
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Where did the ghost go shopping?

At the BOO-tique

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57czaa/where_did_the_ghost_go_shopping/
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How Many Karma Whores does it take to change a light bulb?

If this gets 500 upvotes i'll tell you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57cyxu/how_many_karma_whores_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I used to cry when my dad chopped onions.

Onions was a good dog, I miss him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57cytx/i_used_to_cry_when_my_dad_chopped_onions/
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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothin, they're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57cvwn/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
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One time Lenin's widow, Nadezhda Krupskaya, visits an elementary school.

The schoolchildren asked her to tell them a story Vladimir Lenin.
"Children, you should know about Lenin's great kindness." she says with eyes misty.
"I remember once he was shaving his beard outside of home, and a little child was passing by & asked him (What are you doing, Mr Lenin?) And my kind loving husband replied (Oh, my little fella, I'm just shaving my beard.)"
"But Ms Lenin", asked one of the children, "Where's the love & kindness in that?"
She answered: "Were you not paying attention, you little thing? The razor was in my husband's hand and he decided not slit the child's throat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57cu3z/one_time_lenins_widow_nadezhda_krupskaya_visits/
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Stressed Out

A guy walked up to me and said 'I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!' and I said 'Relax man, you're two tents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57cois/stressed_out/
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3 stoners buy a horse

.
They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.
One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.
While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.
They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke from the bong.
Eventually, they detach muzzle the horse and the horse's eyes get bloodshot, it is visibly high.
As a consequence, the horse starts talking:
"You have awakened me", the horse says.
The stoners, shocked, reply, "whoa, you can talk?" In unison.
The horse proceeds to tell them that they must jerk him off or die.
The first stoner says "nuh-uh, i aint like that", and the horse mauls him and chews his face, killing him slowly.
The second stoner tries to escape, screaming "Id rather die than jerk off a horse!"
The horse opens a safe, takes out a shotgun, and unloads a shell into the second stoner, making him slowly bleed out to death.
The third stoner, horrified, approaches the horse and fulfills the act until the horse is finished. The horse then spares the third stoner, and leaves him a diamond worth a great fortune.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should get off your high horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57cno9/3_stoners_buy_a_horse/
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What do you call two crows flying together?

An attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57clgw/what_do_you_call_two_crows_flying_together/
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A jew, a Hindu, and a politician who were traveling together were tired and needed a place to stay the night.

They arrived at a farmer's house and requested to stay the night.  The farmer informed them that he had one extra bedroom, so two of them could share the bed.  One would have to sleep in the barn.
The hindu, being very polite, offers to sleep in the barn.  Later that night, the Hindu knocks on the door and informs the other men that he is unable to sleep in the barn, because there is a cow in there, and it is against his religion to associate with cows.
The jew, also being polite, offers to sleep in the barn.  Later, he knocks on the door and informs the other men that he is unable to sleep in the barn, as there is a pig in there, and it is against his religion to be near pigs.
The politician, being generous, then offers to sleep in the barn.
Later that night, the farmer hears a knock on the door.  It was the pig and the cow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57cjou/a_jew_a_hindu_and_a_politician_who_were_traveling/
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You have so much potential

But no kinetic energy, therefore you will never go anywhere in life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57cct0/you_have_so_much_potential/
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Say what you like about Donald Trump..

But he's doing more than anyone else in the world to stop Donald Trump from being elected president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57cc99/say_what_you_like_about_donald_trump/
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Why are orphans bad at baseball?

They have no idea where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57cazc/why_are_orphans_bad_at_baseball/
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What's the difference between the US election and sex?

During sex it's fun to choose between asshole and cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57c9f2/whats_the_difference_between_the_us_election_and/
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in the middle east you can't drink

But you can get stoned
For drinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57c8lm/in_the_middle_east_you_cant_drink/
%
Why did the Console peasant cross the Road?

To render the Building on the other Side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57c7xd/why_did_the_console_peasant_cross_the_road/
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I made a chicken salad today.

Cheeky bastard didn't even eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57c5ib/i_made_a_chicken_salad_today/
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What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common?

They both look good until they hit the ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57c2q7/what_do_the_toronto_maple_leafs_and_the_titanic/
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A man gets a STD test from his doctor...

...and while the doctor is filling out paperwork, he asks the man several questions to determine his risk of infection.
"Alright, last question, you're looking great so far." says the doc "Have you ever paid for sex?"
The man thinks for a moment, and glancing out at his wife and kids through the examination room window, sighs, and says, "Every time..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57c26a/a_man_gets_a_std_test_from_his_doctor/
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Jupiter has a total of 64 moons.

Their werewolf problem must be enormous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57c1ri/jupiter_has_a_total_of_64_moons/
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I said this to a mom I met at the park

If you were a Galaxy, you'd be the Milfy Way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57c1di/i_said_this_to_a_mom_i_met_at_the_park/
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What do you call an emergency C-section performed on top of a mountain?

A womb with a view.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57bxmj/what_do_you_call_an_emergency_csection_performed/
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What do you get when you have Windows and Mac OS X dual booting from the same computer?

A co-operating system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57bxj6/what_do_you_get_when_you_have_windows_and_mac_os/
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I need another name for a dinosaur.

I should consult the Thesaurus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57bx0t/i_need_another_name_for_a_dinosaur/
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I hope Elon Musk never gets in a scandal

Because Elongate would be really drawn out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57bw94/i_hope_elon_musk_never_gets_in_a_scandal/
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I've invented a golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4 inches.

They work brilliantly, just don't carry them in your back pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57br7p/ive_invented_a_golf_ball_that_will_automatically/
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Hillary Clinton and Donald trump both are in the same car, who should be the driver?

The police

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57br71/hillary_clinton_and_donald_trump_both_are_in_the/
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A youngster comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.  The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"
"Sand," answered the youngster.
The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the youngster overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases the yo, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the younster's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says the youngster.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to the youngster and he crosses the border on his bicycle.  This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. .
Finally, the youngster doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
The youngster answers, "Bicycles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57bqc1/a_youngster_comes_up_to_the_mexican_border_on_his/
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Where do adolescent gangsters go?

The childhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57bp50/where_do_adolescent_gangsters_go/
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Glue Sticks...

I was walking through an arts and crafts shop when I saw a sign saying, "Glue Sticks."I thought, "No shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57bl83/glue_sticks/
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three construction workers eat lunch together on the roof everyday, an irishman, and italian, and a pollack.

so the the irishman opens his lunch and its corned beef hash, and he exclaims "I swear to god everyday i eat this corned beef I'm sick of it! if my wife makes it for me again i'm going to jump off this roof!" then the Italian guy opens his lunch "Prosciutto and mozzarella again! next time my wife makes me this i'm going to jump off the roof!" then the pollack opens his lunch "kielbasa and pierogi's again! I swear if i have to eat this one more time i'm jumping off the roof!" so the three men meet the next day on the roof for lunch and sure enough the italian opens his lunch prosciutto again he jumps off the roof, the irishman gets his corned beef and jumps off the roof and the pollack sees his kielbasa and jumps off the roof. A few days later all the wives are mourning after the funerals and talking to each other. the italian wife says " if i had known he was so tired of prosciutto i never would have made it its all my fault!" the irish wife says "me too! i wish i never made him that corned beef hash this is all my fault!" then through their tears they look over to the polish wife, who looks up at them and says "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57bl36/three_construction_workers_eat_lunch_together_on/
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Why are black people so tall?

Because their knee grows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57bjym/why_are_black_people_so_tall/
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Whats big, pink, long and my girlfriend hates when I put it in her mouth?

Our miscarriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57bj53/whats_big_pink_long_and_my_girlfriend_hates_when/
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I went to the doctor with a hearing problem

He said “Can you describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57bg75/i_went_to_the_doctor_with_a_hearing_problem/
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Why do bakers go into business?

Because they knead the dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57becq/why_do_bakers_go_into_business/
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Dark humour is like a kid with cancer...

It never gets old!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57bcl9/dark_humour_is_like_a_kid_with_cancer/
%
A physicist, an economist, and a mathematician decide to TP a house.

The physicist does some calculations and says, “We should buy 2-ply toilet paper in order to maximize kinetic energy.”
The economist thinks for a moment and replies, “But single-ply toilet paper would maximize the amount of TP per dollar.”
The mathematician decides to multi-ply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57b98x/a_physicist_an_economist_and_a_mathematician/
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What did the Native American say when he killed his son on a hunting trip?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57b593/what_did_the_native_american_say_when_he_killed/
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An Irish guy, an Italian guy, and an Asian guy walk on to a construction site.

The foreman looks at the three of them, he handed the bigger stockier Irish and Italian gentlemen shovels and said you guys will be digging. He looked at the smaller more scrawny Asian guy and said you will be in charge of supplies. The foreman returns hours later, the workers are just sitting around doing nothing. What is going on here! he demanded to know. The Irish guy and Italian guy said that their shovels had broken. The foreman demanded to know where the Asian man went, no one had seen him since this morning. They all started looking for the Asian man, but he didn't seem to be anywhere. They started to get concerned, construction sites can be dangerous, what if something had happened to him? They eventually despairingly gave up hope, the Asian man was no where to be found. Right at that second the Asian man jumped out from behind a building and yelled supplies!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57b4m5/an_irish_guy_an_italian_guy_and_an_asian_guy_walk/
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How do you compliment a scarecrow?

Tell him he's outstanding in his field!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57b3d1/how_do_you_compliment_a_scarecrow/
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An Artist Gets Mugged...

He goes to the police and draws them a picture.
The policeman says "That's a good picture, we could nail the guy with that."
"I dunno.." Says the rookie besides him. "It seems a bit sketchy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57b0o4/an_artist_gets_mugged/
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what does a 9 volt battery and your girlfriend's arsehole have in common?

Even though you know you shouldn't you give them both a lick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57az59/what_does_a_9_volt_battery_and_your_girlfriends/
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With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...

Yes, three times in 35 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ayjh/with_my_wife_it_was_sex_sex_sex/
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One day, at the zoo...

Little Johnny and his mother go to visit the zoo. They visit the Reptile House, Monkey Island, Chimpanzee Forest, and the Avian Habitat. As they're walking toward the exit, they pass the Elephant Sanctuary.
Little Johnny points to the elephant and says, "Mommy, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"
The mother replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, dear."
Johnny points again and says, "No, that OTHER thing!"
The mom's starting to get a little nervous, but she replies, "Oh, that's the elephant's TAIL."
Somewhat frustrated, Little Johnny says, "No - that OTHER thing, hanging down between the elephant's legs!"
Mom, in a hurry to get to the car before rush hour (and, just a little embarrassed and not wanting to get into an anatomy lesson), says, "Oh, that's nothing."
The next day, she has to work and the dad has the day off. She tells him that they ran out of time at the zoo, and there was still a lot more for Little Johnny to see, so Dad takes him back to the zoo.
They visit the Komodo dragons, the Zebras, the Lions and Tigers and Bears (oh, my).  Finally, they walk by the Elephant Sanctuary.
Little Johnny points to the elephant and says, "Daddy, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"
The father replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, bud."
Johnny points again and says, "No, that OTHER thing!"
Dad, not quite sure what Johnny is pointing to, replies, "Oh, that's the elephant's TAIL."
Somewhat frustrated, Little Johnny says, "No - that OTHER thing, hanging down between the elephant's legs!"
The dad says, "Did you and mommy visit here yesterday?"
"Yes, daddy."
"Did you ask your mommy what it was?"
"Yes, daddy."
"And what did she say?"
"She said it was nothing."
"Ah," the dad replies. "Your mother's spoiled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ax9w/one_day_at_the_zoo/
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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.
The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.
After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.
The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”
The man asks, “Why not?”
And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57aws1/a_rapist_and_con_artist_get_caught_by_the_sheriff/
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whats the best part of having sex with a transvestite?

When you reach around it feels like you went all the way through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57awg8/whats_the_best_part_of_having_sex_with_a/
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Jokes on Trump.

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?
"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you.
First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy but he's like, "10101000101", on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know.
So, we have all these numbers and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. That I can tell you. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me. OK? Alright. Thank you."
-Got it as a text message..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57avf2/jokes_on_trump/
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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

I don't know but it's not rhelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57atue/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_and_a/
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What’s the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg?

You let the pit bull finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ar63/whats_the_difference_between_a_poodle_humping/
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What's the difference between having a badly poured draft beer and having a child with Down's Syndrome?

If the head's too big on your beer, you can blow it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57ar5x/whats_the_difference_between_having_a_badly/
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What do you call a male cow that eats hamburgers?

A cannibull..ha..ha..?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57apfl/what_do_you_call_a_male_cow_that_eats_hamburgers/
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What do businessmen and pedophiles have in common?

They're both uptight cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57amoe/what_do_businessmen_and_pedophiles_have_in_common/
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When life hands you melons...

you're dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57aih8/when_life_hands_you_melons/
%
A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry.  He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”
“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”
The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully.  Grab the spear from the savage next to you, run up to the chief and stab him in the chest.”
So the man, with nothing to lose, grabs the spear from the savage next to him, runs up to the chief and stabs him in the chest.
The man, as he’s standing over the chief who’s now dying in a pool of blood, looks up at the heavens and ask, “Now what, Lord?”
And the voice booms back, “OK.  Now you’re fucked.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57a9xn/a_man_is_flying_a_plane_over_the_amazon_when_he/
%
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...

But graphing is where I draw the line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57a62t/ill_do_algebra_ill_do_trigonometry_ill_even_do/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57a60g/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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You could tell my parents hated me...

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. (RIP Rodney Dangerfield)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57a5jg/you_could_tell_my_parents_hated_me/
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3 old women sitting on a park bench one sunday morning

when a guy jumps out of the bushes, flashes them, then runs off. Due to the ordeal the first woman, she had a stroke. The second woman also had a stroke. The third woman ... well, her arms were too short to reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57a3mt/3_old_women_sitting_on_a_park_bench_one_sunday/
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Two women friends went for a girl's night out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails...

Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.
They were near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop! My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other.
"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57a3i5/two_women_friends_went_for_a_girls_night_out_and/
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Life in a mental hospital

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't Talk right now I'm driving to LA !' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny , how was your trip?'  Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into LA and I need some rest. 'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.
The nurse leaves Kenny's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, "Davo what are you doing?" To which Davo replies, "Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in LA."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57a2jx/life_in_a_mental_hospital/
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Dad is obsessive compulsive about his vinyl and owns every single Beatles record except for one..

I think he needs Help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57a0ua/dad_is_obsessive_compulsive_about_his_vinyl_and/
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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

in three weeks.
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!"
The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579xbh/two_syrian_refugees_compete_to_see_who_can_become/
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A dyslexic stoner enters a competition.

He comes out on pot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579x2a/a_dyslexic_stoner_enters_a_competition/
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A young couple have just finished making love on their porch.

As they are lying there naked a small bee flies into the woman's vagina. After they both freak out a little they then jump in the car and drive to the nearest doctor.
They get to his house and run inside and quickly explain the situation. The doctor rushes to his kitchen and grabs a pot of honey and puts a generous dollop on the end of his penis. He quickly explains that his tactic is to draw the bee back out of the vagina using the honey.
So he dips his penis into the woman and withdraws it and nothing happens. So he does it again and still nothing. After a few more times he starts upping the tempo and the woman starts moaning. The man asks "what are you doing to my woman?!?" The doctor replies "new plan, I'm going to drown the bastard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579ujt/a_young_couple_have_just_finished_making_love_on/
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A speeding blonde.

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes." replied the cop. "Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579t2m/a_speeding_blonde/
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A mathematician walks into a bar

and asks the bartender for a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry but we've run out of beer. We have only root beer for today."
"No problem", replies the mathematician. "Just serve me in a square glass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579rwv/a_mathematician_walks_into_a_bar/
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One question

The Mayor of London, England was very much worried about a plague of pigeons in the city centre. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.
One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. *'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to  the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'*
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky. All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column. The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE  question.
The mayor asked:
***'Do you have a blue Pakistani?'***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579qul/one_question/
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Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian.

They're not laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579q89/everybody_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_was_going/
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A man in a restaurant asks the waiter, "How does the chef prepare the chicken?"

The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579nh9/a_man_in_a_restaurant_asks_the_waiter_how_does/
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Rick Astley will let you have any movie from his Disney collection except one

He's never gonna give you Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579mt5/rick_astley_will_let_you_have_any_movie_from_his/
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Someone stole a kitchen utensil from my house

He said it was a whisk worth taking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579j2s/someone_stole_a_kitchen_utensil_from_my_house/
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From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579gqr/from_how_high_can_you_drop_an_egg_onto_a_concrete/
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Did you hear about the guy who snorted curry powder?

He fell into a korma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579g05/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_snorted_curry/
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I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill

but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579f61/i_remember_once_when_my_dad_gave_me_money_to_pay/
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My dad said to me: Son, don't try to understand women.

Women understand women... and they hate each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579f53/my_dad_said_to_me_son_dont_try_to_understand_women/
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Tit for tat

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Shona? Do you think you’ll be next?”
We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579env/tit_for_tat/
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Fish Balls for dinner.

A guy visits his girlfriend on the farm for the weekend, and at dinner compliments her mother on the lovely fish balls she prepared for them.
The girlfriend pokes him in the ribs, and whispers in his ear. " Eat with the other hand, it's not fish balls.... It's Meatballs. " !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579cj8/fish_balls_for_dinner/
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That's a nice sham you've got there...

It'd be a shame if somebody
added an e

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/579bpp/thats_a_nice_sham_youve_got_there/
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The toilet on the train was out of order, so I had to sit there and hold it for half an hour.

A woman who was sat opposite, looked at me in disgust and asked "Is that a fucking poo in your hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5799sl/the_toilet_on_the_train_was_out_of_order_so_i_had/
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Younger brother saw his older brother masturbating.

He doesn't have knowledge about masturbation, big brother is about to reach climax and is now twitching his eyes from the pleasure. He immediately run to his mother and said "Mom, big brother is committing suicide!", the mother ask how come, and said "He is crushing his balls!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57995p/younger_brother_saw_his_older_brother_masturbating/
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A man is sitting in his dentist's waiting room and is visibly nervous.

A kindly nurse comes up to him and says, "Sir don't be nervous, the first time is always the hardest." The gentleman looks up at her and exclaims, 'Don't 'First Time,' me tutz - I've been to the Dentist a million times and I know the drill!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57993g/a_man_is_sitting_in_his_dentists_waiting_room_and/
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A friend of mine died last friday, while drinking his martini

It's on that day I learnt an important lesson:
Though laughter is the best medicine, in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5794nc/a_friend_of_mine_died_last_friday_while_drinking/
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Scientists say four out of five people suffer from diarrhea...

I'm just wondering, does that mean that *one* other person enjoys it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57944s/scientists_say_four_out_of_five_people_suffer/
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The husband had a really bad condition of multiple personality disorder...

"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."
"That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
"Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5792n2/the_husband_had_a_really_bad_condition_of/
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What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57927a/what_is_bright_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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My wife... It's difficult to say what she does...

She sells seashells on the seashore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57925j/my_wife_its_difficult_to_say_what_she_does/
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What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo Bean?

I haven't had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5790aj/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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My grandfather's dying wish was to be pushed in front of a steam train.

When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57900q/my_grandfathers_dying_wish_was_to_be_pushed_in/
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I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I just don't know Y
I'll show myself the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578z8x/im_really_good_friends_with_25_letters_of_the/
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Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willie from school and go get dinner.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578x7v/obsessions/
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A little girl riding with her mom and dad in the car....

...and she sees two dogs fucking and says, what are those dogs doing? Mom says the one in back hurt his legs and the one in front is helping to carry him. The little girl says, ain't that a bitch. You try to help someone out and you get fucked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578usz/a_little_girl_riding_with_her_mom_and_dad_in_the/
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A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says "make me one with everything." The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.

"Where's my change?" the monk asks. The vendor replies, "change comes from within".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578spp/a_buddhist_monk_approaches_a_burger_foodtruck_and/
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Erotic is using a feather

Kinky is using the whole chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578s42/erotic_is_using_a_feather/
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What do you call a three legged cow?

Lean Beef.
What do you call a two legged cow?
Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578r8k/what_do_you_call_a_three_legged_cow/
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3 Steps to being a good Programmer

1. Avoid recursion
2. Repeat steps 1 and 2.
3. Always have an exit condition.
4. Beware of being off by one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578nm6/3_steps_to_being_a_good_programmer/
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A bear walks into a bar

the bartender said
"What would you like?"
and the bear said
"I want...
a beer please"
then the bartender said
"Why the big paws??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578jum/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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A kid shows up to class with $2,467...

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Suzie led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Vicky was next: “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Vicky,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Joey’s turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Joey walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Joey.
“Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Joey, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”
They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog crap!”
Then I would say, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?
I used the governmental approach of giving you crap for free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578je5/a_kid_shows_up_to_class_with_2467/
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Badly built roofs...

Are exactly why I have truss issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578iam/badly_built_roofs/
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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578h5n/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_21_year_old_girl_today/
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What do spiders eat in France?

French flys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578gu2/what_do_spiders_eat_in_france/
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What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578gsz/what_do_a_glass_of_water_and_an_atheist_have_in/
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I think my neighbor might be stalking me because she won't stop googling me.

I saw it through my telescope last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578fnq/i_think_my_neighbor_might_be_stalking_me_because/
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I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/578a7o/i_painted_my_computer_black_so_it_would_run_faster/
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A man sees two good-looking women at a bar.

He tells the bartender,
"Please take a round of drinks over to those ladies, on me."
The bartender does so. This goes on for a few rounds. The ladies approach the man and ask him, "Are you the one buying us these drinks?"
"I am", the man beams.
One of the ladies says, "Well, we appreciate the kind gesture, but I think you ought to know we are lesbians."
The man is confused. He's never actually heard the word 'lesbian' before.
"How do you mean?"
"Well, I mean, we're *lesbians*," the other lady tries to hint.
The man is still incredulous. "I'm not quite sure I understand."
"Well," says the first lady, "put it this way. We'd rather eat pussy than suck dick."
The man slaps money down on the bar and holds up his hand.
"Bartender, three beers for us lesbians!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5789t1/a_man_sees_two_goodlooking_women_at_a_bar/
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

So we went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5788h4/my_wife_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out_instead_of/
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My best friend got mad when he caught me sniffing his sister's panties.

It probably didn't help that she was still wearing them, or that his whole family was there too.
It made the rest of his sister's funeral really awkward...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57886l/my_best_friend_got_mad_when_he_caught_me_sniffing/
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What's the most environmentally friendly subreddit?

r/Jokes. Everything there is recycled, including this post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5785ht/whats_the_most_environmentally_friendly_subreddit/
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What’s the best way to stop a runaway horse?

Bet on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5784al/whats_the_best_way_to_stop_a_runaway_horse/
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Two atoms

One atom says to the other, "you're a weird dude. You know that?" The other atom responds "hey man, we all have some quarks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57849t/two_atoms/
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two men are sitting in a bar

One of them looks at the other and says "you look familiar... whe're you from?" The second man replies "Ireland" The first man look astonished and says " No way I'm from Ireland me self , what a small world!"
The second man then looks at the first "What city?" The first man says "Doublin?" The second man looks astonished "No way I'm from doublin me self ! What a small world"
The first man looks at the second man "What school you go to?" The second man replies "Saint Mary's class of 89" The first man is absolutely baffled  " NO WAY saint Mary's class of 89 my self! What a small world!"
At this point another man comes into the bar and says to the bartender "hey Joe! Anything intersting going on?" The bartender says " not really ... but the Murphy twins are drunk again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5783oy/two_men_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
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Moses and Jesus reminisce about the their days on Earth.

Moses and Jesus are reminiscing about their time in Earth. Jesus says to Moses "let's go back for a bit! Where would you like to go?" Moses told Jesus "I've always like the Red Sea." So they go to the Red Sea and wander around a bit. Suddenly Moses find a long stick and looks at Jesus and says "remember this Jesus?" and then he splits the Red Sea. "I loved when you did that!" Jesus said. "Do you remember this?" and Jesus starts walking on the water and with each step he sinks a little bit. He starts freaking out and screams "what's going on!? I used to do this all the time!" then Moses said "yeah but that was before you had holes in your feet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5783om/moses_and_jesus_reminisce_about_the_their_days_on/
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What do you call an exploding horse?

Neigh-Palm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5780kt/what_do_you_call_an_exploding_horse/
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I met my wife in an African Languages class

We just clicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577uny/i_met_my_wife_in_an_african_languages_class/
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So, I walk in on daughter masturbating with a carrot.

I shout, "Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577uhv/so_i_walk_in_on_daughter_masturbating_with_a/
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I tried to donate blood to the Red Cross the other day...

...but they wouldn't accept it in a 5 gallon bucket.
They also said it had to be mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577r3p/i_tried_to_donate_blood_to_the_red_cross_the/
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Little Johnny's new neighborhood didn't have any kids for him to play with during the summer.

His mother, feeling bad about this, asked the construction workers next door if he could spend the day with them. They agreed, and Johnny was on his way. That evening Johnny came home and mom asked what he learned. Johnny says, "I learned how to hang a door." Excitedly his mother ask, "how do you do that?" Johnny replied, "You move it a cunt hair to the right, then a cunt hair to the left, then you nail the motherfucker. " His mother screams to get to his room until his father gets home. Later that evening his dad walks in and says, "Your mother told me what you said, and you cannot talk that way. Now go downstairs and get a switch." Johnny replies , "Fuck you. That's the electricians job. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577qc9/little_johnnys_new_neighborhood_didnt_have_any/
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A boy is studying for his geography quiz

. His mom asks him:
"What's the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin" says the boy.
"Good. Now what's the capital of France?"
"Berlin"
"What's the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin"
"You're so smart Adolf, I know you'll do great on your quiz tomorrow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577oug/a_boy_is_studying_for_his_geography_quiz/
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What do you call a country ruled by oppressive Vikings?

Norse Korea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577n9r/what_do_you_call_a_country_ruled_by_oppressive/
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Harambe and Cecil the Lion walk into a bar

Bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
They respond, "Two shots, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577n1s/harambe_and_cecil_the_lion_walk_into_a_bar/
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Getting a bit worried, is this normal?

One of my nipples is a different colour than the other two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577mvt/getting_a_bit_worried_is_this_normal/
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3 men are each talking proudly of their sons....

The first man says
"My son is a successful athlete! He makes so much money he just bought his friend a house!"
The second man says
"My son is a successful lawyer! He makes so much money he just bought his friend a boat!
The third man says
"My son is a successful doctor! He makes so much money he just bought his friend a car!
A fourth man hears their conversation and joins in, mentioning that his son is a male prostitute. The three men say
"You must be so ashamed of him! He must barely make a living at all!"
To which the fourth man replies
"He does okay, his boyfriends just bought him a house, a car and a boat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577muo/3_men_are_each_talking_proudly_of_their_sons/
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Why is cellphone reception so good in Wisconsin

Even the smallest towns have at least 4 bars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577krd/why_is_cellphone_reception_so_good_in_wisconsin/
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I can't help but pronounce A, E, I, O, and U very aggressivley.

I think I have irrititable vowel syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577j32/i_cant_help_but_pronounce_a_e_i_o_and_u_very/
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Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow

Mines made of mammary foam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577iu7/everybody_needs_a_bosom_for_a_pillow/
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[Long] A man brings his pit bull to a bar

And he says "I bet everyone in here $500 my dog can beat your dog in a fight!"
And so, a dozen or so men leave the bar for a few minutes. Once they come back, they're equipped with their money and their dogs, ready to see the challenge through.
One by one, they bring their dogs to fight. They've got Great Danes, Rottweilers, Mastiffs, the lot. And one by one, the pit bull takes beats them, leaves them whimpering messes.
Eventually, an old man approaches the pit bull's owner.
"I'll bet you $5000 my dog can beat yours"
The first man takes a look at the challenger's canine, and it's hideous. A disgusting brown, bow-legged mess.
"You're on"
And so, the two dogs fight. After about five seconds, the pit bulls absolutely destroyed, torn limb from limb.
"Well, fair is fair, here's your $5000. What sort of dog is that, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Before I cut his tail off and gave him a nose job, he was an alligator"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577ilw/long_a_man_brings_his_pit_bull_to_a_bar/
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There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish...

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Now pass the fucking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577gdk/there_was_a_boy_standing_on_a_corner_selling_fish/
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I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...

Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577g3x/im_playing_monopoly_with_donald_trump_and_hilary/
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Two art theives were going about their business at an art museum.

One said to the other, "Grab the Monet and let's Gogh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577byc/two_art_theives_were_going_about_their_business/
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My girlfriend told me she loses Mortal Kombat matches on purpose.

She said it's the only time I finish her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577b3d/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_loses_mortal_kombat/
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On the train in Bangkok....

...a young, long-haired, busty Thai sat down directly opposite me & started putting on lipstick.
I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."
But he did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/577awp/on_the_train_in_bangkok/
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2 Millennials get into a counting contest

The announcer says "okay Millennials, start counting from 1 to 2000!"
They both scoff and easily count that high within minutes. One says "I'm a Millennial, I could count to 2000 in my sleep!
The announcer, obviously worried that there will not be a winner, thinks up a plan.
He says "ok, now we are gonna change it up a little! You are going to count by ones" pointing to the first Millenial "and you are going to count by twos" pointing to the second.
The first Millennial starts off, counting by ones, and swiftly makes it to 2000 in only a few minutes. Everyone then turns to the second Millennial who starts off, "two... three?... six... nine...? The crowd gasps as the second Millennial obviously goes red with embarrassment. As the announcer gives the 1st place trophy to the first Millennial, the second Millennial groans and stomps her foot in frustration and yells "I JUST CAN'T EVEN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5779ao/2_millennials_get_into_a_counting_contest/
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Why are condoms and bungee-jumping similar?

You're screwed if the rubber breaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5774g3/why_are_condoms_and_bungeejumping_similar/
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Change Your Course...

Heard this from some friends, thought I'd post this here.
On a very dark night, a Captain of a battleship saw a light headed on a collision course.
He sent a warning message: "Change your course 15 degrees East!". He receives the reply: "You change your course 15 degrees West!".
Annoyed he sends another message: "I am a Navy Captain, now change your course!". He receives another reply: "I'm a seaman 2nd class, I suggest you change your course, sir!".
Angry, the captain sends another message: "I am a battleship! I will not change course!". Again he receives another reply: "I'm a light house! Your call.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5774do/change_your_course/
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My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She was livid:
“What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5773q2/my_girlfriends_dog_died_so_to_cheer_her_up_i_went/
%
I designed a website for orphans.

There isn't a homepage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5770td/i_designed_a_website_for_orphans/
%
I started my own traffic control company.

It's a slow-moving business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/576y9p/i_started_my_own_traffic_control_company/
%
Two blondes are walking down a street.

Two blonds are walking down a street when one says to the other one "Oh look a dead bird!"
The other one quickly looks up and yells "WHERE?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/576xi2/two_blondes_are_walking_down_a_street/
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Why does Trump like pressing apples in the fall?

Because he likes to stick his hand in cider!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/576vfq/why_does_trump_like_pressing_apples_in_the_fall/
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The scarecrow won employee of the month again...

He's outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/576rcn/the_scarecrow_won_employee_of_the_month_again/
%
What's the difference between abortion and terrorism?

Terrorism is funded by the US government!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/576nf3/whats_the_difference_between_abortion_and/
%
The worst part about being an atheist...

... is you have no one to talk to while you're getting a blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/576liu/the_worst_part_about_being_an_atheist/
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So two windmills are standing in a field...

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/576kmh/so_two_windmills_are_standing_in_a_field/
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My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday

I don't think they understood when I said " I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/576hmm/my_lesbian_neighbors_got_me_a_rolex_for_my/
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My wife of 58 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/576hl6/my_wife_of_58_years_said_lets_go_upstairs_and/
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A man is donating at his local sperm bank, right as he finishes the doctor walks in....

covers his eyes, and says dont worry I didnt see nuttin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/576gxg/a_man_is_donating_at_his_local_sperm_bank_right/
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What did the deer first say when he got to church?

Deer God, please forgive me of my sins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/576g4q/what_did_the_deer_first_say_when_he_got_to_church/
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Joke in real life

DISCLAIMER: THIS JOKE SUCKS BUT IT HAPPENED TO ME EARLIER TODAY
I'm currently in hospital being treated for a pulmonary embolism and the doctor ordered a echocardiogram for me.
When I was getting my heart looked at, it was the only place I've been in hospital playing music.  Really cool early 2000's indie stuff from a play list the fellas who did the scans put together.
Then I realised they were the ultrasound guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/576f7t/joke_in_real_life/
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Hillary Clinton is a liar, cheater, thief, narcissist, who will say anything, do anything for money and power.

She tells bold face lies making promises she never intend to keep.
She does a half ass job to show people she is "keeping her promise" but will bail on the project before it finished.
She starts wars with no intention of finishing the job, leave the troops with no support and abandon them while they are overseas.
She takes bribes from foreign enemies and will screw America every chance she gets.
She will assassinate those who knows her secrets.
She condemns ...
Hold on a second, someone is at the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/576dcv/hillary_clinton_is_a_liar_cheater_thief/
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A stressed out businessman decides to have a drink on his lunch break to relax...[LONG]

And he finds this hole-in-the-wall-bar.  Besides the bartender who is steadily washing glasses behind the end of the bar, he is the only one in there.
He sits at the end of the bar nearest the entrance and orders a whiskey double.  The bartender says, "Here you go, pally.  If you need anything, Ill be down here washing up. Just holler."
Thankful for some peace and quiet after a long week of demanding work, he relishes his drink in silence, absentmindedly eating peanuts and watching SportsCenter.
Not two minutes later, he hears a voice whisper in his ear - as clear as day: *"That is a great suit."*  He is startled.  He glances around and of course, he was still alone.  The bartender was still at the other end of the bar washing up.  He chalks it up to stress.  He takes another deep breath and resumes his former activities.
Not even a minute goes by and it happens again.  *"You really are a good looking guy."*
Unable to comprehend what is going on, he calls the bartender over.
"Hey, this may sound weird," the man says, "But... is anyone else here?  Not two minutes ago I swear it sounded like someone was whispering in my ear.  Telling me I they liked my suit.  Then just now I heard it again, only this time they were telling me I was a good looking guy.  What's going on?"
The bartender gives a puzzled look for a few seconds, and then a wave of realization comes over his face.
"Ooooh, I know.  Sorry, pally.  That was just the peanuts.  They're....*complimentary*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57694a/a_stressed_out_businessman_decides_to_have_a/
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I like my hoes like I like my salad dressing...

On the side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5768j0/i_like_my_hoes_like_i_like_my_salad_dressing/
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In a philosophy class...

Professor: Sometimes an idiot's question is too hard for even 10 geniuses to answer.
One student pipes up: No wonder I fail my tests.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5763zj/in_a_philosophy_class/
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Why does it take so long when Satan is in front of you in line at the post office?

Because the devil takes many forms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57600o/why_does_it_take_so_long_when_satan_is_in_front/
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One night Eve shook Adam awake and asked him "Adam, are you cheating on me?"

Adam groggily replied "No, of course not Eve... Go back to sleep!"
About an hour later Eve shook Adam awake again.  "How do I know you aren't cheating on me?"
Adam said "Look Eve, you are the only woman in the world, made by God from my very own rib.  I love you and I would never cheat on you.  Now, please go back to sleep!"
Another hour passes and suddenly Eve begins poking Adam in the chest.  "EVE" yells Adam, "What are you doing??!?!"
"Counting your ribs" She replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575zkx/one_night_eve_shook_adam_awake_and_asked_him_adam/
%
You know homeless people are the real progressives of this country.

Always asking for change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575y50/you_know_homeless_people_are_the_real/
%
What do men and Subway have in common?

They both exaggerate the length.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575ujy/what_do_men_and_subway_have_in_common/
%
Yesterday I found out my girlfriend of 5 years has conditional gemder dysphoria

She said she needed to be Frank with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575teu/yesterday_i_found_out_my_girlfriend_of_5_years/
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Paleontologists have just discovered a new species of dinosaur that was predominately lesbian...

They're calling it the Lickalotopuss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575skd/paleontologists_have_just_discovered_a_new/
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My husband doesn't believe me that the Bible instructs him to make the coffee in the morning.

It's there, clear as day. Hebrews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575scq/my_husband_doesnt_believe_me_that_the_bible/
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I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.

It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575pp8/i_for_one_support_these_crazy_killers_dressing_up/
%
As a Jew, am I allowed to eat McDonalds today?

Yes, I know it's Yom Kippur. But McDonalds is fast food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575pn8/as_a_jew_am_i_allowed_to_eat_mcdonalds_today/
%
Upon seeing a big lion, a monkey thinks to himself, “That’s a big lion, if I fuck this lion up the ass, I’ll be the king of the jungle.”

When the lion’s tail goes up, the monkey jumps down and fucks the lion up the ass. The lion wakes up and chases the monkey through the jungle, the monkey dives through a row of trees and lands in the lobby of a big hotel.
He picks up a newspaper and covers his face as if to read it. The lion comes through, roaring, “Did anybody see a monkey come in here?” From behind the paper the monkey yells, “The one that fucked the lion up the ass?” The lion roars back, “Holy shit! It’s in the paper already?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575oo4/upon_seeing_a_big_lion_a_monkey_thinks_to_himself/
%
One time I didn't masturbate for 11 years...

and then I turned 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575o77/one_time_i_didnt_masturbate_for_11_years/
%
Doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex

But the wife insists it says its for Dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575nwi/doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_daily_sex/
%
Two children decide they're going to swear one day

One says to the other "I'll say shit, you say fuck!"
So, that morning, when they go downstairs, the mom asks the first one what he wants.
"Shit, mom, I think I'll have some Coco Puffs"
She slaps him and he starts crying.
"AND WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" she howls.
"Well, I know I don't want any fucking Coco puffs, for sure"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575mca/two_children_decide_theyre_going_to_swear_one_day/
%
There was a blackout in our neighborhood

The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575m36/there_was_a_blackout_in_our_neighborhood/
%
If I played video games for 8 hours, I'd be called a loser bum

But if I watched TV for 8 hours straight, people would just think I didn't have anything to do that day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575lpd/if_i_played_video_games_for_8_hours_id_be_called/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me after I said she's half the person I am...

I weigh 240 pounds, not sure why she got so mad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575kdb/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_after_i_said_shes/
%
"I think i'm having a heart attack. Quick! Dad, call me a doctor..."

"You're a Doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575k6s/i_think_im_having_a_heart_attack_quick_dad_call/
%
I once saw a Spanish magician...

He told the audience that he was going to make his hat disappear on the count of three. So he tapped it with his wand and said, "Uno, dos," and it disappeared without a très.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575j3k/i_once_saw_a_spanish_magician/
%
I've heard that if you choose to do something you love, you'll never have to work a day in your life

Apparently loving to lay on the couch all day, watching TV and doing nothing doesn't apply and my stuff gets repossessed next Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575hv3/ive_heard_that_if_you_choose_to_do_something_you/
%
What do you call a Pokémon with a tiny head?

Zikachu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575gwy/what_do_you_call_a_pokémon_with_a_tiny_head/
%
Jesus can walk over water

. I can walk over a cucumber. A cucumber exists of 90% water. This means I'm 90% Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575gkv/jesus_can_walk_over_water/
%
I'm just a basic Jew...

...but if things go sour, I might become Hasidic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575ger/im_just_a_basic_jew/
%
"I don't have time for this shit!"

I thought, as I sat on the toilet, angry, and late for work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575f9t/i_dont_have_time_for_this_shit/
%
Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?

Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575f0z/why_did_the_muslim_take_his_note_7_onto_an/
%
A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575cc2/a_russian_grandpa_arrives_at_german_airport/
%
What is the difference between batman and a black guy?

Batman can walk into a store without Robin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575aij/what_is_the_difference_between_batman_and_a_black/
%
ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events

Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/575a1t/isis_is_taking_back_territory_after_a_surprise/
%
My Dad's Motto

My dad always lived by the motto "work hard, play hard." Until mum made him seek help for his Viagra addiction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5758fe/my_dads_motto/
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Did you know PMS is mentioned in the Bible?

"...and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5754en/did_you_know_pms_is_mentioned_in_the_bible/
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And the Lord said to Peter 'Come forth and receive eternal life'

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57548z/and_the_lord_said_to_peter_come_forth_and_receive/
%
What is a Trump supporters favourite exercise?

White power walking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5752x8/what_is_a_trump_supporters_favourite_exercise/
%
What symphony is a pedophiles favorite?

Mozart's magic flute in A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5752w7/what_symphony_is_a_pedophiles_favorite/
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If you could choose between having a light saber or saving a child.....

Which color light saber would you choose?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5752rm/if_you_could_choose_between_having_a_light_saber/
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A Rabbi on Yom Kippur

Rabbi Ben Simmons was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.
Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.
As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi Ben Simmons playing the best game he had ever played. The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course and then again on the next hole.
Moses turned to God and asked, 'I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?'
God replied, 'Who can he tell?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5751x5/a_rabbi_on_yom_kippur/
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Vicky gets her helicopter ride

Henry and his wife Vicky went to the state fair every year, and every year Vicky would say, “Henry, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Henry always replied, "I know Vicky, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One year Henry and Vicky went to the fair, and Vicky said, “Henry, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Henry replied, “Vicky that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Henry and Vicky agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Vicky and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Vicky replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Henry fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57509v/vicky_gets_her_helicopter_ride/
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I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574yr2/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
My girlfriend's keyboard broke, and she sent me this message.

"HelpmyspacebarisbrokenandIwouldlikeanalternative"
What the hell is a ternative?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574yka/my_girlfriends_keyboard_broke_and_she_sent_me/
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What did the Pirate say to the plank as it was being installed on the ship?

Welcome a Board!
(Inspired by a comment I left on another post, though I'm confident it's been posted many times before)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574yj3/what_did_the_pirate_say_to_the_plank_as_it_was/
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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574x5r/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office/
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To bring a girl home,I just whisper in her ear "You know,if i get excited,It can touch the bottom of the Pringles Can"

I can see her eyes light up with excitement and thank the Pringles company for introducing the new Snack size cans.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574w8l/to_bring_a_girl_homei_just_whisper_in_her_ear_you/
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How do you cut down a hipster tree?

A suuh dude!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574v4v/how_do_you_cut_down_a_hipster_tree/
%
Why didn't the polite coder get hired?

The job required SASS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574uxp/why_didnt_the_polite_coder_get_hired/
%
Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss

I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574r86/just_bought_a_new_phone_its_helping_me_with/
%
What's white on the top and black on the bottom?

Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574p11/whats_white_on_the_top_and_black_on_the_bottom/
%
Women are like boats

I'd rather pay for the occasional ride than go through the hassle of having my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574la6/women_are_like_boats/
%
A man found a magical bottle on a beach...

He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."
The man was ecstatic. "What catch?" he asked.
The Genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari! " POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd LOVE a million dollars..." replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars," said the Genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.
"What is your final wish?"
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574geh/a_man_found_a_magical_bottle_on_a_beach/
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An Arab and a Jew

oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being O- it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to give his blood to save an Arab guy. Finally after lots of discussions and pestering by doctors he agreed to donate only enough blood to help make sure the Arab guy was stabilized. After the blood transfusion and when the Arab guy is healthier, he sends the Jewish farmer a brand new John Deere tractor and a Cartier watch and $100000 as a token of appreciation. After a year, the Arab is requires another transfusion. The old Jewish farmer is contacted and this time is willing to give more blood. After the transfusion the Arab send the Jewish guy a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. When the Jewish guy gets this he is furious as he is expecting much more since he gave more of his rare blood type. He contacts the Arab sheikh and asks him why he only gave him such a paltry gift? The Arab says, ya Akhie (brother) I have Jewish blood in me now….

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574gc5/an_arab_and_a_jew/
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How many Gentlesirs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"Screw is such a harsh word, M'Lightbulb. I have too much respect for lamps to use it." <Tips fedora>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574dgo/how_many_gentlesirs_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Do you remember the "Hold a coke with your boobs" challenge ?

It was a trend a while back to promote awareness for breast cancer.
I'm just glad a similar stunt wasn't pulled for prostate cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574dg3/do_you_remember_the_hold_a_coke_with_your_boobs/
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I just walked in on my manager vigorously masturbating.

He told me to stop vigorously masturbating and get the hell out of his office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574d5p/i_just_walked_in_on_my_manager_vigorously/
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A guy is feeling horrible so he goes to the doctor...

During the exam the doctor is shocked, "Oh my god! No wonder you feel bad, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of your butt!"
The man says, "Yeah, and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574br6/a_guy_is_feeling_horrible_so_he_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Two immigrants

arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "What part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574bf0/two_immigrants/
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My dad told me if I kept jacking off I'd go blind.

I said dad, I'm over here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574b9o/my_dad_told_me_if_i_kept_jacking_off_id_go_blind/
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The Cure for Hiccups

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he has anything to cure hiccups. The pharmacist says he does! So the pharmacist pulls out a glass and a pitcher of water. Then he starts filling the glass. He poured very slowly, and as the last little bit entered the cup, he let out a very loud scream.  Then the pharmacist threw the water from the cup onto this guy's face. When the guy asked him why he did that the pharmacist asked if he still had hiccups. The man replied, "no, but my wife in the car does!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5749zm/the_cure_for_hiccups/
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Two ants met in this woman’s belly button; one decides to go north while the other goes south.

Seven days later, they returned to the belly button. “I had a great time,” reported the ant who had ventured north. “There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley.”
“I had a hell of a time,” sighed the other ant. “First I had to walk through this thick jungle, then I fell down this huge hole, and by the time I climbed out I was so tired that I fell asleep in this smelly cave. But that wasn’t the worst of it: every night, this giant worm came in and threw up in my face.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/574995/two_ants_met_in_this_womans_belly_button_one/
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How many Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? (Dragon Ball Z)

Just one, but it takes a whole season.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5744yo/how_many_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist?

You can actually negotiate with a terrorist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5741mk/whats_the_difference_between_a_lead_guitarist_and/
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you can't watch porn on the new iphone

they took the jack off﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5741in/you_cant_watch_porn_on_the_new_iphone/
%
A rabbi, A pujari (a Hindu holy man) and a Southern Baptist minister were travelling, when they ran out of gas...

so they walked to a farm, and asked if they could spend the night.
The farmer agreed to let them stay, but he only had one room with two beds, so the third person would have to sleep in the barn.
"Oy Vey, I'll sleep in the barn" said the Rabbi, and he went off to sleep.  Not five minutes later, and there was a knock on the door- "I am sorry my brothers, but there's a pig in there, and according to my faith, he's unclean."
"It is ok, I will go sleep in the barn" said the pujari, and he walked out.  Sure enough, a few minutes later he was knocking on the door- "I am sorry, but there is a cow in there, and they are sacred in my faith, I cannot sleep with a sacred cow."
"Well, alrighty then, I guess I'll go sleep in the barn" said the minister, and he left.
A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door, and when they opened it, there stood the pig and the cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57410o/a_rabbi_a_pujari_a_hindu_holy_man_and_a_southern/
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The first woman on the moon.

"Houston we have a problem."
What?
"nevermind"
What's the problem??
"nothing"
Please tell us!?
"You know what the problem is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5740ta/the_first_woman_on_the_moon/
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My wife said to me, "Would you rather have sex with Angelina Jolie or Mila Kunis?"

I said, "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/573yoq/my_wife_said_to_me_would_you_rather_have_sex_with/
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I told my parents that I lost my virginity.

Which they didn't take well, considering they're Catholics.
They sat me down and said, "You must beg to God for forgiveness."
So I got down on my knees and said, "God, I've done enough kneeling today, please forgive me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/573yjw/i_told_my_parents_that_i_lost_my_virginity/
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I've started seeing someone about my porn addiction.

Her name's Brandy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/573vco/ive_started_seeing_someone_about_my_porn_addiction/
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A boy goes into confession....

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."
"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"
"Oh I can't say."
"Was it Mary Jane?"
"No Father."
"Adalina Mozarelli?"
"My lips are sealed."
"How about Cindy King"
"I can never say."
"Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?"
"No."
"It has to be Tracy Cummings though!"
"Father I will never tell you."
"Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months."
"Ok, Father"
The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?"
The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/573j5g/a_boy_goes_into_confession/
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How many 'Suh Dudes' does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Its already lit, fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/573ck5/how_many_suh_dudes_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Maried Man's Problem

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/573ajq/maried_mans_problem/
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So I saw a black man running with a TV.

Horrified I thought it was mine. But upon arrival home I saw mine was in its right place. Polishing my shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/573agx/so_i_saw_a_black_man_running_with_a_tv/
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Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"

Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.
Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.
Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5739gm/bill_gates_why_dont_you_tell_me_why_bing_failed/
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At my local police station, the toilet was stolen

The police have nothing to go on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5735xa/at_my_local_police_station_the_toilet_was_stolen/
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You know, I thought they were joking when they told me about the clowns.

But then I saw them debating on national TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5733b9/you_know_i_thought_they_were_joking_when_they/
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"Doctor! Doctor! I think I may have Alzheimers!"

"We had this discussion last week, Mr. Smith."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57338l/doctor_doctor_i_think_i_may_have_alzheimers/
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I jumped on the bus, and said, "Two, please."

The driver said, "This is a school bus."
I replied, "I know, and make them good looking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5730js/i_jumped_on_the_bus_and_said_two_please/
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Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5730es/jesus_once_said_he_who_lives_by_the_sword_will/
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Zeus walks into a bar.

The bartender, a man popular with the ladies, can't believe Zeus, motherfucking Zeus, who could get sex from any woman in the world and beyond, just walked into his bar. He decides to strike up a conversation. He goes, "So, Zeus. My man. I've heard a lot about you and your lustful adventures. You've slept with countless women. But tell me, what would you consider to be your greatest story of success? Was it Alcmene, who gave you Heracles, one of the greatest heroes in the history of mankind, as son? Was it Leda, whom you ravished in the form of a regal swan, only for the union to become immortalised by master painters? Heck, you had hot lesbian action with Callisto. Was it her? Io? Leto? Danae? Do indulge me, Zeus."
Zeus thinks for a second and says, "Well, there was this one time when Poseidon challenged me to Mount Olympus".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572zla/zeus_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three men are stranded in the desert...

Survivors of a plane crash, the three men walk aimlessly in the hopes of finding the rest of humanity.
Three days pass before they stumble on a door lying flat down in the sand next to a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, a genie flies out and introduces itself.
"My name is Hector, and I'm going to be your salvation. This door will be my assistant!", explained the genie.
"Simply jump over this door, and shout whatever you'd like to magically transform into in order to escape this wretched desert."
Without hesitation, the first man jumps over the door and exclaims "Cheetah!", after which he immediately turns into a cheetah and runs away.
Not believing his eyes, the second man jumps over the door and bellows "Eagle!", before transforming into an eagle and flying towards humanity.
The third man, still unsure if he's imagining what he's seeing, missteps and trips over the door.
"Shit!", cried the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572yh2/three_men_are_stranded_in_the_desert/
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A young couple was down on their luck. Had lost everything,

nowhere to turn and out of options.  The husband says to his wife, "Honey, I don't know what else to do to make some money.  You are going to have to go work the streets"
Wife replies, "But I have never done that before I would not have any idea what to do."
Husband says, "Don't worry, I will be close by, if you have any questions, just come and ask me"
So, the wife is standing out on a corner and a good looking man in a car pulls up and says, "Hi.  How much to get laid?"
The woman is unsure and tells the guy, "One second, please", she darts a few steps to where her husband is lurking and asks him, "How much is it to get laid?" She returns to the guy and tells him, "150 bucks"
The guy says he does not have that much and wants to know how much for a BJ.  The woman is again unsure and returns to her husband and asks him, "How much for a BJ"
Woman returns to guy and tells him "it is 50 bucks"
The man agrees and as the woman gets into the car, the man removes his penis.  The woman looks at the penis and opens the car door, telling the man to hold on for a second..
She goes back to her husband and asks him, "Hey do you have a hundred bucks we can loan this guy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572y4f/a_young_couple_was_down_on_their_luck_had_lost/
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What do you call a smart blonde?

A Golden Retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572skl/what_do_you_call_a_smart_blonde/
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What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster spit?

"It's saliva! IT'S SALIIIVA!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572qda/what_did_dr_frankenstein_say_when_his_monster_spit/
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I went to the funeral of the man who invented the throat lozenge.

There was no coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572pyc/i_went_to_the_funeral_of_the_man_who_invented_the/
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[nsfw] An old man walks into his doctors...

... and heads to the reception desk, and asks to see his GP.
"Certainly sir, but first tell me the problem so I can add it to the notes"
Loudly, he proclaims "It's my cock!"
"Sir please! There are women and children here! Please avoid using such language! Get out of here, and come back when you're ready to speak like a civilised human being..."
He leaves, thinks for a minute, then comes back again.
"Hello ma'am. I have a problem with my 'ear'" he says, winking.
"That's better sir. Now what's wrong with it?"
"It hurts when I piss out of it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572owc/nsfw_an_old_man_walks_into_his_doctors/
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My doctor went to write me a prescription for my heart meds.

He pulled out a rectal thermometer out of his pocket and said "Shit, some asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572nab/my_doctor_went_to_write_me_a_prescription_for_my/
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If a tree falls down in the woods and nobody is around to hear it...

Then hipsters would buy the soundtrack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572n0c/if_a_tree_falls_down_in_the_woods_and_nobody_is/
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I applied for a job as a suicide bomber.

I said I have no previous experience, they didn't seem to mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572mpe/i_applied_for_a_job_as_a_suicide_bomber/
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I just blew it!

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned in. The Radio Jockey said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."
"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Maths" I replied.
"O.k then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats for Trump’s next speech and to meet him back stage, followed by dinner with him... What is 2+2 ?"
"767.37" I replied,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572lk9/i_just_blew_it/
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Bad luck today, I have a bout of food poisioning AND I dropped my Galaxy Note 7 in the toilet by mistake :(

Talk about explosive diarrhea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572j03/bad_luck_today_i_have_a_bout_of_food_poisioning/
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Snakes on a Plane

I arrived at my friend's house and saw he was watching a movie.
"What are you watching?"
"Snakes on a Plane."
"What's it about?"
"Horses."
He turns away from the screen and looks me straight in the eyes before he continues.
"Horses on boats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572i6j/snakes_on_a_plane/
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Samsung sold me the wrong phone.

I bought the S7, but apparently they gave me the C4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572hth/samsung_sold_me_the_wrong_phone/
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A koala bear was in the mood for some oral sex...

so he hired a prostitute.  She took him to her room, and opened her legs, and let him go to town.
After a while, the koala bear jumped up, and started to waddle out the room.
"Honey, aren't you forgetting something?" the girl asks him.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, honey, I'm a prostitute... you know what that means, don't  you?"
"No idea."
"Here, in the dictionary- Prostitute- is paid for sex."
He smiled, as he donned his hat and said- "Look up Koala Bear while your at it, honey..."
Koala Bear- Eats bush and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/572e82/a_koala_bear_was_in_the_mood_for_some_oral_sex/
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What do you call a pothead that breaks up with his girlfriend?

Homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5726vr/what_do_you_call_a_pothead_that_breaks_up_with/
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A doctor invents a foolproof test for Alzheimer's

Step 1. Tell patient to browse r/jokes for a week
Step 2. Let patient read r/jokes during office visit
Step 3. If patient reports original content, diagnosis is confirmed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5722zi/a_doctor_invents_a_foolproof_test_for_alzheimers/
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If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have $1.79.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5722gz/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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I finally found a girlfriend!

She was lost untill she found me. I'm glad I could give her a ride to her boyfriend's house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57217k/i_finally_found_a_girlfriend/
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A duck.

A man and his son live alone on a failed farm, the man turns to hi son and says, "Son, I need to take this duck into town and sell it for the highest amount you can."
The son nods and quickly takes the duck into town. As he is walking through the streets a young woman spots him and calls him over. The woman says, "That is a mighty fine duck you have there, I'll give you a fuck for that duck!"
The boy quickly agrees, the sex was worth far more than a few bucks for the duck. They lock the door and quickly get at it in the back of the small store.
After they are finished the girl turns to him and says, "That was amazing! I will give you your duck back for another fuck!" The boy nods and they do it once more.
After they are finished once again the boy gets dressed and turns to the girl. "That was amazing, but I really need to sell this duck!" The girl stops him and continues chatting with him, trying to lure him back for a third time.
As they are chatting the duck wanders into the street and gets hit by a semi, the boy runs out and sees the duck as a bloody skidmark. The truck driver gets out in a panic. "OH god, that must of been your prize duck! I am so sorry, here! Take $20,000 it's all of the cash I have on me! I am so sorry!" The man says before driving away.
The son soon returns home and meets with the father.
"Well, Son, how'd you do?"
The boy looks at him and says, "Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $20,000 for a fucked up duck."
((My father told me this joke when I was 11, I wasn't suppose to remember it, so I recited that joke to myself for years.))\
NSFW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571wo0/a_duck/
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I just had a brush with Death

Is it weird to name your toothbrush?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571rl9/i_just_had_a_brush_with_death/
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My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me on the grounds that I'm an "emotionally stunted, unfeeling, uncaring piece of shit".

I don't know how I feel about this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571nr1/my_girlfriend_of_6_years_broke_up_with_me_on_the/
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Did you guys hear that Ireland has the fastest growing economy in the world?

Yeah, their capital is always Dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571n4k/did_you_guys_hear_that_ireland_has_the_fastest/
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A White Man Rubs on A Genie Bottle

And the Genie comes out and says,
"Man, I've been in this damn bottle for 300 years, whatever you want, you don't even have to say it, just think it and it'll happen."
The man closes his eyes,
*Bam* Mansion
He closes his eyes again
*Bam* Filled with beautiful naked women
He closes his eyes a third time
3 men in white hoods knock on his door. He answers it, they take him outside and hang him.
Later the genie is at the coffee shop talking to all the other genies, and he says to his friends.
"Man I don't get it, the first wish is always the mansion, the second wish is always women, but why on earth would this man like to be hung like a Nigga?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571miq/a_white_man_rubs_on_a_genie_bottle/
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I didn't believe my friend when he told me who the Canadian Prime Minister was...

turns out it was Trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571mf1/i_didnt_believe_my_friend_when_he_told_me_who_the/
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I love this time of the year...

when the nights are drawing in, there's a chill in the air & the whole family gathers round a roaring Galaxy Note 7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571lnm/i_love_this_time_of_the_year/
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What do Hillbillies do for Halloween?

Pump-Kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571id5/what_do_hillbillies_do_for_halloween/
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What do you call the white guy on a bus full of black guys?

Coach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571gib/what_do_you_call_the_white_guy_on_a_bus_full_of/
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An Odd Man

There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571fh5/an_odd_man/
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I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571fb8/i_called_the_cops_about_a_murder_on_my_front_lawn/
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Where do chickens go to get their coffee?

Star-
B-BWAKS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571evr/where_do_chickens_go_to_get_their_coffee/
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Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571dm8/third_party_us_presidential_candidate_gary/
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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571dgb/if_i_got_1_every_time_somebody_called_me_a_racist/
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My doctor said he couldn't prescribe me with Viagra.

No hard feelings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571b5l/my_doctor_said_he_couldnt_prescribe_me_with_viagra/
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My wife uses an entire bottle of dish soap when she washes the dishes every night.

Another day, another Dawn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571b4s/my_wife_uses_an_entire_bottle_of_dish_soap_when/
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Why did the Xbox One eat its cereal for breakfast, but not its pancakes?

It had the spoon, but not the 4k.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571azv/why_did_the_xbox_one_eat_its_cereal_for_breakfast/
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What does Will Smith leave at a crime scene?

Fresh Prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/571an1/what_does_will_smith_leave_at_a_crime_scene/
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A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven...

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."
Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Did Bush do 9/11?"
God replies, "Bush did not plan the attacks. 9/11 was perpetrated by Al-Qaeda and orchestrated by Osama Bin Laden. No bombs were planted in the Twin Towers, and no missiles hit the Pentagon. The U.S. government had no foreknowledge of the attacks whatsoever."
The conspiracy theorist thinks to himself, *this goes even deeper than I thought...*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5718cs/a_conspiracy_theorist_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Why did Samsung make the Galaxy Note 7 waterproof?

It can't catch fire underwater... I think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5713u5/why_did_samsung_make_the_galaxy_note_7_waterproof/
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They hired a comedian at the local construction site. Everyone loves him.

You could say he was really nailing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/57136w/they_hired_a_comedian_at_the_local_construction/
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My grandfather's final words before he kicked the bucket were...

"I'm gonna kick this bucket!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5712ku/my_grandfathers_final_words_before_he_kicked_the/
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What happened to r/showerthoughts?

They went down the drain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5710y4/what_happened_to_rshowerthoughts/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

He was too far out, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570yvu/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippy/
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The only Clowns that I'm afraid of...

Are the ones running for President...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570y72/the_only_clowns_that_im_afraid_of/
%
Overheard at Starbucks:

Man: Would you like to try a pumpkin spice latte?
Woman: No. Since Trump came on the scene I am boycotting everything orange.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570wk3/overheard_at_starbucks/
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What do engineers use for birth control?

Their personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570u0n/what_do_engineers_use_for_birth_control/
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I'm in the library hitting the books, and people keep giving me strange looks...

But these fucking books are going to pay for what they've done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570su1/im_in_the_library_hitting_the_books_and_people/
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A man at a restaurant

sits down at a quiet table in the corner. The restaurant is empty, just him and the waiters inside.
The waiter takes his drinks order, a shaken martini, and heads for the bar to get cracking. As he leaves the man hears a voice call out:
>"Hey Jim, those are great shoes you're wearing"
He thought to himself, "that's odd, there's nobody else here. Maybe I imagined it"
The waiter returns and takes the man's order for his starter and main course, a delicious onion soup followed by a tender fillet steak, cooked rare. As the waiter leaves and heads for the kitchen the man hears the voice call out once again:
>"Hey! Hey Jim - I love that jacket"
The man is understandably disturbed at this point, the restaurant is still empty and he can't see where these kind words are coming from.
The waiter returns with the man's first two courses and the man says to him
>"you didn't say something to me as you walked away did you?"
>"no," replies the waiter, "I'm afraid not sir - would you like to order dessert now ready for when you finish your main?"
The man orders a rich chocolate mousse for his dessert, with whipped cream and fresh strawberries, and tops off with another martini, once again shaken not stirred.
As the waiter heads back to the kitchen the man is very confused to once again hear a voice calling him:
>"psst, Jim! I like your hair today. Very stylish"
At this point the man has had enough. He only wants to enjoy his meal in peace. When the waiter returns, mousse in hand, the man says to him
>"I know you've been talking to me, I heard you"
>"I'm sorry sir," says the waiter, "but I really don't know what you're talking about - there's nobody else here and I've not said anything"
The man reluctantly agrees that he must be imagining things and tucks in to his mousse. As he is finishing up the waiter returns with the bill, and offers the man some mints from the bowl on the side. He takes the payment, through Amex, and makes to leave. Just then, a voice once more calls out to the man:
>"oh, sorry you're leaving, Jim. You're glasses really are the business. You have such style"
The man cries out
>"there, did you hear that?"
>"oh that," says the waiter, "pay no attention - it's just the complimentary mints!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570son/a_man_at_a_restaurant/
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Why do cemeteries have fences?

People are just dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570ryl/why_do_cemeteries_have_fences/
%
Fast and the Furious just announced a new movie called Faster And Furiouser 3.1:

You Get the Drift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570ozm/fast_and_the_furious_just_announced_a_new_movie/
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There's nothing wrong with naming your son Marco....

Until you lose him at the park one day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570nkw/theres_nothing_wrong_with_naming_your_son_marco/
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[Long] I was at dinner with my wife...

I ordered a steak and the waiter delivered it with his thumb on top of it. "Sir, this is unacceptable, your thumb was in my food," I complained. The waiter replied, "I'm sorry sir, I didn't want it to fall on the floor again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570l2k/long_i_was_at_dinner_with_my_wife/
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A woman looking in the mirror asks her husband...

"Honey, do these jeans make me look fat?"
"Can I be completely honest with you?"
"Of course, honey!"
"You won't get mad, no matter what I say?"
"Not at all!  I promise, honey."
"I fucked your sister."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570l0e/a_woman_looking_in_the_mirror_asks_her_husband/
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Got an IPad from my chinese friend...

Nothing beats homemade gifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570ho9/got_an_ipad_from_my_chinese_friend/
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What's E.T. short for?

Because he's got tiny legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570h7d/whats_et_short_for/
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What kind of church does a triangle attend?

Anglican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570fag/what_kind_of_church_does_a_triangle_attend/
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What did it mean when they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570ebd/what_did_it_mean_when_they_found_bones_on_the_moon/
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A 92 year old man goes to confession

The moment he's settled in,
he blurts out, "Father, I had sex with a pair of nineteen year olds!"
The priest says, "Wait a minute. I don't recognize your voice.
Are you a member of this parish?"
The old man says, "No I'm not."
"But you are Roman Catholic, aren't you?"
"No I'm not."
"Well, why are you telling me about it?"
The old man says, "Hell, I'm telling everyone about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/570cu4/a_92_year_old_man_goes_to_confession/
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What did the elephant say to the naked man

"How do you breath through that thing?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5708z7/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
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Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.

Sorry for the repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5707w7/today_i_was_helping_a_friend_install_his_fence/
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Why was the graveyard so noisy?

Because of all the coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5707np/why_was_the_graveyard_so_noisy/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5706dm/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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6 inches is the size prefered by women,

Source: I work at Subway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5705i9/6_inches_is_the_size_prefered_by_women/
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What do you call a woman who's good at both cheese-making and singing?

Medusa - she does a killer gorgon solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5703yj/what_do_you_call_a_woman_whos_good_at_both/
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Your teeth are like the stars

Yellow and separated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5703wr/your_teeth_are_like_the_stars/
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A man in need of a brain

A man was dying in the hospital and he needed a new brain or he wouldn't survive for long, the doctor told him there were 3 available brains but each with a price.
The first one was an professor's brain that costs 3000 dollar
The second brain was a teachers brain that costs 2500 dollar
The third brain was the brain of a blonde woman that costs a good 9000 dollar
The man asks why the blondes brain is so expensive
The doctor replies: because it's never used

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5702hf/a_man_in_need_of_a_brain/
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My parents didnt take me seriously when i came out

It was because i couldn't keep a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5702dm/my_parents_didnt_take_me_seriously_when_i_came_out/
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Four guys in a BMW found a parking place.

But as they approached some old guy took it. They all left the car, planning to beat that guy. Then he says:
'That's unfair. There are four of you and I'm alone and I'm old. '
'Well, OK. Two of us will join you.'
That's three agains two now.
You're right... Go home grandpa, we'll handle this without you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5701bb/four_guys_in_a_bmw_found_a_parking_place/
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My wife came home starving today so I made her a big ham and cheese sandwich

"Don't eat it yet, just hold the plate" I said. Five minutes later, I took it from her and threw it in the trash.
"What the hell?!" She yelled.
"Remember this feeling next time you come to bed, wearing a sexy nightie smelling good and ask me to just hold you" I said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5700sb/my_wife_came_home_starving_today_so_i_made_her_a/
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What do you call a racist cereal?

Special KKK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zwwg/what_do_you_call_a_racist_cereal/
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A police officer pulls a man over who was driving erratically.

The officer walks up to the man's window and asks him.
"Sir, you are all over the road! I need you to blow into this breathalyzer to determine if you have been drinking."
The driver of the car shakes his head vehemently and says to the officer.
"Oh, I can't do that, officer! I'm an asthmatic! If I blow too forcefully into that tube, I could have an asthma attack and die!"
The officer nods his head, understanding.
"Very well then, sir" he says. "I'll just have to take you down to the station to have your blood drawn to see if you have been drinking."
The man again shakes his head, this time even more violently than the last.
"Oh, I can't do that, officer! I'm a hemophiliac! If they take blood, I'll just keep bleeding until I die!"
The officer, visibly annoyed, acquiesces and tells the man.
"Very well then, a urine sample will be fine!"
Once again, the man shakes his head.
"Oh, I can't do that, officer! I'm a diabetic! If I urinate in an uncontrolled environment, my sugar levels will drop too far and I will die!"
The officer, angry now, asks the man.
"Fine then! Get out of the car and walk a straight line!
The man in the car says
"I can't do that!"
The officer extremely upset asks the man.
"Why can't you just get out and walk in a straight line?"
The man replies
"Because I'm drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zrm1/a_police_officer_pulls_a_man_over_who_was_driving/
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Oh little Johnny you are a real pain

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zrfk/oh_little_johnny_you_are_a_real_pain/
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If you want to have sex with a frog, use a condom

If you want to enjoy it, rib it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zr9c/if_you_want_to_have_sex_with_a_frog_use_a_condom/
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How do you turn a duck into a popular soul singer?

Stick it in microwave and turn it on until it's Bill Withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zqtd/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_popular_soul_singer/
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All I can say to galaxy note 7.

It's blazing fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zq8v/all_i_can_say_to_galaxy_note_7/
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Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest weakness?

Achilles: *sweats nervously*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zpx9/interviewer_what_would_you_say_is_your_greatest/
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An old lady is seen staggering drunk down the street.

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink. Instead of taking her to jail, they decide to drive her home.
They loaded her into the police cruiser. One of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets, they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say was "You're passionate," while stroking the officer's arm.
They drove awhile longer and asked once more, but again, the same response was given as she stroked his arm and said, "You're passionate."
The officers were getting frustrated, so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Mam, we've driven around this city for four hours and you still haven't told us where you live."
She replied after sobering up a bit, "I keep trying to tell you, you're passin' it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zp0z/an_old_lady_is_seen_staggering_drunk_down_the/
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Three men of various skill go hunting

After setting up camp, the most professional of the three proclaimed "I'm going to come back with a bear!" After a few hours, he comes back with a bear.
"How'd you do it?" The other two asked, and he replied "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, and I shot the bear."
Well, the amateur of the group says "I'm gonna come back with a deer!", and after a few hours, comes back with his deer
"How'd you do it?" The other two asked, and he replied "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, and I shot the deer."
It was finally the new hunter's turn to go out, and he promised to return with the first thing he could. After several hours, much longer than it took the other hunters, he comes back extremely hurt and bleeding all over the place. The hunters immediately jump up and begin helping him, asking him what he was attacked by
His reply was "Well, I found the tracks, and I followed the tracks, and I shot the first thing I saw coming at me, the bullet didn't stop the train"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zo3f/three_men_of_various_skill_go_hunting/
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A drunk man is stumbling around outside...

He smells of beer and looks absolutely plastered. A priest walks by and asks him why he's getting drunk so early in the day. The man wobbles a bit and belches out "Why, I'm your lord and savior". The priest is, obviously, unconvinced and begins to walk away. The drunk calls out "Look, I'll prove it!" The drunk leads the priest into the building closest to them, a bar. The bartender looks over at the man in shock and says...
"*Jesus christ*! You're back here again?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56znz9/a_drunk_man_is_stumbling_around_outside/
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"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zmuo/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
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Virginity is like foreskin...

Taken from me shortly after birth without my consent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zmcy/virginity_is_like_foreskin/
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A man comes home to find his wife

of 10 years packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zm7q/a_man_comes_home_to_find_his_wife/
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A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon

One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.
When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely stuck. So they decided to call the doctor.
The doctor came, but couldn't get her off the floor, either. So he suggested calling a tiler.
The tiler came and quickly offered a solution: "We have to break the tile she's on."
"NO WAY, " the husband yelled - "those tiles are 100 dollars a piece. There must be another way?".
"Well," said the tiler. "You could kiss and caress her all over her body."
"Will that free her?" the husband wondered.
"No, but then we can slide her into the kitchen, where your tiles are only $2.50 a piece".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zlyb/a_young_woman_had_a_habit_of_doing_naked/
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Boss perv

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zlqc/boss_perv/
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I proposed to my Mexican girlfriend but she said...

I wasn't the Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zk4l/i_proposed_to_my_mexican_girlfriend_but_she_said/
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Hillary clinton might be the first f president

Sorry I meant female but the emale got deleted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zjxp/hillary_clinton_might_be_the_first_f_president/
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All in a night’s work

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zhbd/all_in_a_nights_work/
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I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great.  He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child.  You got four months to live.
Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC
Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go
Kids are so fat these days the reason why they use smart phone to play music is because they think a Sony Walkman must involve exercise.
Kids are so fat these days when their mothers tie their shoes the kid has to take her word for it.
Kids are so fat these days those benches on the school bus are now considered a seat for one
You try telling kids are fat and they get all upset.  "Tell us something we don't know, old man" I said "Salad actually tastes good."
But we shouldn't make fun of fat kids, they got enough on their plate already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zgp1/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_said_you_have_the/
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Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.  Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56zb67/butch_the_rooster/
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Apple is always 4 years behind Android phones...

... so I guess 2020 will be explosive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56z8a2/apple_is_always_4_years_behind_android_phones/
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A rich manager went to a whorehouse, plunked down a $100, and said "I'll have the worst blowjob in the joint"

The manager was stuck in a tiny town out in the middle of nowhere, waiting for materials to arrive. One week stretched to two, and by the end of the third week he couldn’t take it anymore.
He went into the local whorehouse, plunked down a hundred dollars, and requested the worst blow job in the joint. Pocketing the cash, the madam said, “Sir, for a hundred dollars, you don’t have to settle for the worst. Why, it’ll buy you the very best we have to offer.”
“Let me set you straight,” explained the fellow. “I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56z61x/a_rich_manager_went_to_a_whorehouse_plunked_down/
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My doctor gave me these new tablets for my wife..

My doctor gave me these new tablets for my wife and they're bloody amazing. She used to want sex once or twice a month but now we're doing it once or twice every single night! They are phenomenal. We're going at it like rabbits.
Whatever position you shag her in, she won't wake up!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56yydx/my_doctor_gave_me_these_new_tablets_for_my_wife/
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A young boy is walking home

one way when he finds a welder's mask on the ground. He picks it up, puts it on, and fiddles with it, flipping the visor open and closed. Right then a white van pulls up next to him and a strange man tells him he'll give the boy a ride.
The boy gets in and the man asks him "do you know what fellatio is?" The boy, still playing with the mask, replies "nope." The man smiles and asks, "do you know what sodomy is?" Again, the boy replies "nope," while flipping the visor up and down. The man then asks, "do you know what a pedophile is?"
Finally the boy says, "Look, I have to be honest with you. I'm not a welder."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56yxy7/a_young_boy_is_walking_home/
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An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic

and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56yw64/an_engineer_was_unemployed_for_a_long_time_he/
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New to the big city, a man is referred to a local bar, high up on the roof of a major newspaper building…

One night he decides to visit it. As he exits the elevator, he sees two other men: A classy, well-dressed bartender and a more blue-collar-looking patron in glasses. He sits down next to the patron and orders a drink.
The patron leans over to him and says, “First time here, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, let me show you the best part about this place.”
The patron quickly finishes his drink, walks to the edge of the roof, and jumps off. Just as the visitor gasps in horror, the patron floats back onto the roof.
The visitor looks on in amazement as the patron turns around and says “Pretty neat, right? This high up, the winds are so strong that if anyone gets too drunk and falls off the roof, the air current just blows them right back onto it! It’s a lot of fun!”
To prove his point, he runs off of the roof again, and once more, floats back onto it.
“Wow! That’s fantastic!” exclaims the visitor. “Let me try!”
The patron steps aside. The visitor runs to the edge and flings himself into the air. Much to his dismay, he drops like a rock, quickly picking up speed until he meets his untimely demise on the pavement below.
The patron hiccups and turns to the bartender, who is cleaning dishes. “Did you see that, Bruce? Pretty funny, right?”
The bartender looks up from the glass in his hand and shakes his head disapprovingly. “You’re an asshole when you’re drunk, Clark.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56yu6l/new_to_the_big_city_a_man_is_referred_to_a_local/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An Impasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ysn7/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
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Crime TV shows aren't what they used to be

That's why I support Donald Trump's promise to bring back Law and Order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56yrye/crime_tv_shows_arent_what_they_used_to_be/
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How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They just hold the bulb in place and the world revolves around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56yqhp/how_many_narcissists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive..

They would eventually find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ypf0/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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A man farts in public in a small city...

He is so embarrassed that he leaves the city. 10 years later he thinks well, it has been a long time and nobody remembers what I did... It's time to go back home. He is back and meets a kid. Asks him how old he is. The kid answers I don't know but everybody says that I was born the same year Joe farted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56yni4/a_man_farts_in_public_in_a_small_city/
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What is ISIS's favorite smartphone?

Samsung Note 7 , according to them it's "the bomb" nowadays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56yn8d/what_is_isiss_favorite_smartphone/
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What is the difference between the people in Dubai & the people in Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi Do!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56yme2/what_is_the_difference_between_the_people_in/
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I told a man I was voting third party

He said, "That's wasting your vote! Come on, gun to your head, who would you pick, Clinton or Trump"
"Simple," I replied, "I'd pick the bullet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56yklb/i_told_a_man_i_was_voting_third_party/
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What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both have to smell it, but neither of them can eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56yhj0/what_do_a_pizza_delivery_driver_and_a/
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I don't know what to do when someone yells stop

Is it hammer time? Is it in the name of love? Do I collaborate and listen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ygq0/i_dont_know_what_to_do_when_someone_yells_stop/
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I won a swimsuit contest the other day

I ate 57 swimsuits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ye2n/i_won_a_swimsuit_contest_the_other_day/
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You don't want to fall ass first into a window

It would be a pane in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ychh/you_dont_want_to_fall_ass_first_into_a_window/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.
All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to stakes, all the while shouting in their own language.
Eventually, a wizened, bent, ancient old white man comes out of one of the little mud huts. He approaches the trio and explains that a very long time ago, he was taken hostage by the tribe, but allowed to live as the sole survivor from a group of explorers. He learned their language and served as a translator for any white men foolish enough to cross them.
He explained that unfortunately, the men had accidentally walked over what the natives considered sacred ground; this was punishable by death. The method of death, was to be skinned alive and turned into a canoe.
However, the old man says, the tribe are a kind and generous people, who will give the condemned one final wish, that they are honour bound to fulfil.
The Englishman, ever brave, elects to die first. He asks that his final wish, as a red-blooded man, is to have one final night of wild passion with the most beautiful woman in the village.
The old man translates and the chief of the tribe goes away, and comes back with a very big, very ugly, very hairy woman. Clearly they had different standards of beauty. But, nonetheless, the Englishman is happy to go off with her and have one final night of passion. In the morning, he is skinned alive and turned into a canoe.
The Scotsman decides to go next. His wish is to get so blindly drunk he won’t even know that he’s being skinned. So the chief gives him a small cup of firewater. The strongest on the planet. The Scotsman drinks it and is immediately horrendously drunk. He stumbles about the village, singing, dancing, and generally causing mischief until morning comes, when he is skinned alive and turned into a canoe.
And finally, it’s the Irishman’s turn. When asked what his final wish is, he asks for a fork. The old man is confused, and asks again. The Irishman insists he just wants a plain old metal fork. So the old man translates and the chief brings him a fork. The Irishman is untied, and he stands in front of them for a moment, before wildly stabbing himself all over his body, screaming;
“YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TURN ME INTO A FUCKING CANOE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56yc3n/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman/
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The kid can't catch a break...

Teacher: what's wrong?
Johnny: our house is very small, Me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad ask if I'm sleeping,
I say No then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye.
Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet and don't answer.
The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.
Teacher: My goodness why the swelling?
Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping...
I shut up and kept dead still.
Then my dad and mom start moving, u know...mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up and making moaning noises. Then my dad asked my mom, "R u coming?"
Mom said: "Yes, I'm coming, r u coming too?"
Dad answered: "Yes."
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56yajp/the_kid_cant_catch_a_break/
%
I like these kinds of jokes.. ..

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again
-internet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56y7mw/i_like_these_kinds_of_jokes/
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Why don't Mexican's cross the border in three's?

Because it says no *tres*passing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56y0pk/why_dont_mexicans_cross_the_border_in_threes/
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People say the hardest part of the first date is the first kiss.

No idea what they mean, the hardest part of my first date was getting her to take the sleeping pills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xxm2/people_say_the_hardest_part_of_the_first_date_is/
%
Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xrxy/why_is_air_a_lot_like_sex/
%
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?

Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xqrr/how_did_dairy_queen_get_pregnant/
%
What happens when you give Donald Trump Viagra?

He gets taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xnqo/what_happens_when_you_give_donald_trump_viagra/
%
This girl told me she could sing like a harp

But she turned out to be a lyre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xlga/this_girl_told_me_she_could_sing_like_a_harp/
%
How do you find a British person in a crowd?

1. Shout 0800 00
2. Wait for them to shout 1066.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xkvs/how_do_you_find_a_british_person_in_a_crowd/
%
A little boy asks his dad

Boy: whats between moms legs?
father: paradise
Boy: whats between your legs?
Father: the key to the paradise
Boy: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy.
Dad: ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xjdw/a_little_boy_asks_his_dad/
%
Think what you will about Obama,

But so far he's the best black president we've ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xj6a/think_what_you_will_about_obama/
%
This clown fad is getting out of hand....

They are even running for president of the United States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xi3o/this_clown_fad_is_getting_out_of_hand/
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A Spanish magician announced that for his final trick, he would vanish into thin air. He counted down: uno, dos, then POOF!

He was gone, without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xht8/a_spanish_magician_announced_that_for_his_final/
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Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?

I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?"
So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xh3z/why_are_your_eyes_covered_in_ketchup/
%
The Lawyer and the Mexican

A lawyer and a Mexican live next to eachother in the most cookie-cutter neighborhood you can imagine.
One day, they're both mowing the frontlawn. The Mexican says:
"You know, my house is worth more than yours."
The lawyer is confused. He responds:
"How? Our houses are identical. Did you renovate the interior?"
"No."
"Did you modernize the kitchen or the bathroom?"
"I didn't."
"Then how can your house be worth more than mine?!", the lawyer cries.
"Well, I live next to a lawyer, and you live next to a Mexican."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xgv2/the_lawyer_and_the_mexican/
%
Samsung is permanently stopping production of the Galaxy Note7.

At least it went out with a bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xf4p/samsung_is_permanently_stopping_production_of_the/
%
A professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife...

"My dearest wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a fax waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xdtu/a_professor_of_mathematics_sent_this_fax_to_his/
%
Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage........

I used to shave my privates with one , but I don't have the balls to do that now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xc0p/shaving_with_a_straight_razor_takes_a_lot_of/
%
Give me a compliment.

A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband: "I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xbgq/give_me_a_compliment/
%
A guy finds a lamp, gets a wish and asks to become very lucky.

He starts finding money, he wins the lottery, never loses whatever bet he makes.
Get lucky with ladies, with people, with stock exchange.
His luck starts to make him lonely, all his friends are tired of it. His wife leaves him.
One night, after getting kicked out of the casino for winning too much, he is sipping a free drink (he was the 1,000,000 customer) at the bar of the hotel when an outstanding Asian lady comes to him, her beautiful body all wrapped in a sari.
She tells him she is bored, lost all night and want to fell the warmth of a lucky man.
They get to his room and start making love but he is not so happy.
- What is wrong darling?
- Just your red dot on your forehead, it disturbs me, I am sorry.
- Don’t worry, just remove it, I’ll make another one tomorrow anyway.
He scratches it and below starts to read:
“Congratulations, you have won a car!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56xa9n/a_guy_finds_a_lamp_gets_a_wish_and_asks_to_become/
%
The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56x70x/the_uk_government_has_decided_to_make_lsd_legal/
%
Two biologists have twins.

They named one Jessica, and named the other Control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56x5hp/two_biologists_have_twins/
%
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner

She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes."  Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56x4m9/a_man_saw_a_lady_with_big_breasts_he_asked_excuse/
%
All these jokes about the note 7 are terrible

But they have really blown up ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56x2yt/all_these_jokes_about_the_note_7_are_terrible/
%
Two rednecks from Alabama are sitting, drinking. . .

When one turns to the other & declares "I'm finally dating a geeeenuuuuine MILF!"
The other looks up & says: "Really, Jim Bob?"
"Yep!" Jim Bob replies. "She's fifteen but she only got 3 kids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56x21w/two_rednecks_from_alabama_are_sitting_drinking/
%
A man walks in to a green grocer's

"Excuse me ma'am, are these carrots genetically modified?"
"No" interrupted the carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56x1zu/a_man_walks_in_to_a_green_grocers/
%
My mum is a midwife and she always messes up jokes...

Which is strange, because I thought midwives were great at delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56x1rb/my_mum_is_a_midwife_and_she_always_messes_up_jokes/
%
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class

when a pre-med student interrupted him."Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out."To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"The professor stared at the student without saying a word. "Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wz5h/a_college_physics_professor_was_explaining_a/
%
how many cooks does it take to change a lightbulb?

one, and nine to stand around and say how they did it at their old job....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wxiq/how_many_cooks_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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Are you sick? (NSFW)

So this man and a woman go out for drinks and dinner and they are really hitting it off, so they decided to go back to her place for sexy times.
He starts to eat her out and he comes across a piece of carrot inside of her. He doesnt want to break the mood so he just ignores it and keeps going. A little bit later he comes across a chunk of potato, but still not wanting to ruin the moment he ignores it and keeps going. The final straw was when he came across a piece of beef, he asks her "Are you sick?"
She responds, "No but the man I was with last night was".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wpoi/are_you_sick_nsfw/
%
Thank god the "S" on my keyboard doesn't work...

It means I can apply for jobs and they think I'm just an ex-offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wp3h/thank_god_the_s_on_my_keyboard_doesnt_work/
%
A bicycle can’t stand on its own. . .

. . because it is two-tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wots/a_bicycle_cant_stand_on_its_own/
%
What’s the difference between Trump and a stripper?

Strippers climb polls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wogu/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_a_stripper/
%
What's the similarity between Nike and the KKK?

They both make black men run faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wofy/whats_the_similarity_between_nike_and_the_kkk/
%
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin' off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wo40/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_cows_masturbating/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*gagging*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wnai/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Am I pretty?

A wife infront of the mirror looking at herself asks her husband:
Am I pretty or am I ugly?
The husband replies: You are both.
What do you mean? asks the wife
The husband looks at her and says: Well you are pretty ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wn9w/am_i_pretty/
%
A blowjob will make your day

But dry anal will make your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wmwt/a_blowjob_will_make_your_day/
%
Simple instructions from an English teacher for a great essay.

1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Don't abbrev.
3. Personally, in my opinion, a writer or essayist should not make use of too many words or phrases which he does not necessarily need in many cases.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. Dont, use, commas, when they are, unnecessary.
6. Keep tense consistent. You didn't want to shift from present to past.
7. Use semi-colons; only between; independent clauses; don't scatter them around; indiscriminately.
8. A noun and a verb always agrees with each other.
9. Poor spelling in you're writing makes a bad impresion on a lot of reeders.
10. Slang totally freaks out some blokes, so waste it.
11. Don't repeat; don't be redundant. Don't say the same thing twice, don't be repetitious.
12. Writing dangling modifiers, readers will be confused.
13. A noun must agree with their antecedents.
14. Their is a difference between the use of there and you're use of they're, to. Your two use them correctly in more than too cases.
15. You should avoid the use of nonspecific pronouns in your writing.
16. Well, let me tell you about the mistake that makes a teacher weep enough tears to fill a well. Well, here it is. The use of well at the beginning of a sentence is not only wrong, but... well, stop doing it!
17. But whatever you do, don't compound this crime by substituting "but" for "well" at the beginning of your sentence. And just to clarify the point, don't start with "and" either.
18. After all these mistakes, another one that is worse then the well issue above is than/then because students always seem to confuse the two, than think they are interchangable.
19. English teachers, who are wonderful and skillful in their teaching methods, particularly hate it when their students feel they can take up space and word count by complimenting the very amazing, beautiful, and downright swell righters that they are writing about.
20. Last but not least, avoid clichés like the plague.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wlls/simple_instructions_from_an_english_teacher_for_a/
%
How do you discipline your pet rock?

You hit rock bottom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wk7p/how_do_you_discipline_your_pet_rock/
%
Why can't the T-rex clap its hands?

Because it's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wiiq/why_cant_the_trex_clap_its_hands/
%
My boss keeps asking me to cut my hair. I keep telling him it is part of my religion

I worship the Metal Gods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wi65/my_boss_keeps_asking_me_to_cut_my_hair_i_keep/
%
They say 1 out of 3 people in a relationship cheat.

I can't decide if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wh71/they_say_1_out_of_3_people_in_a_relationship_cheat/
%
Why can't you hear Michelle Pfeiffer use the restroom?

Because her pee is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wf1n/why_cant_you_hear_michelle_pfeiffer_use_the/
%
What does Pokemon Go and a policeman have in common?

You gotta catch Jamal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56we8q/what_does_pokemon_go_and_a_policeman_have_in/
%
What do you call a nose without a body?

Nobody knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wdp1/what_do_you_call_a_nose_without_a_body/
%
Why didn't the monk sell his temple?

*Because it had no monastery value.*
Thought of this one on my own while playing WoW a couple days ago and I'm pretty sure it hasn't been told before. I  like corny jokes. I Googled it and didn't find anything (:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wd9q/why_didnt_the_monk_sell_his_temple/
%
I visited my granddaughter last weekend.

I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century", she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".
Well I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wcf1/i_visited_my_granddaughter_last_weekend/
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What is Donald Trump's favorite flavor of Tic Tac?

..... Tempermint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wbjv/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_flavor_of_tic_tac/
%
I didn't believe the rumours about clowns being spotted all over the country

Until I saw them debating on TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56wabh/i_didnt_believe_the_rumours_about_clowns_being/
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Have you tried Gatorade's newest sports drink, F5?

It's very refreshing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56w62g/have_you_tried_gatorades_newest_sports_drink_f5/
%
What do you call a gnome who dresses nice?

A metronome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56w532/what_do_you_call_a_gnome_who_dresses_nice/
%
What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?

'Ell if I know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56w0l9/what_do_you_call_a_mix_between_an_elephant_and_a/
%
Don't have phone sex

You might get hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56w0jc/dont_have_phone_sex/
%
I'll never forget my uncles last words to me...

"Dont shake the ladder you little shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56vzms/ill_never_forget_my_uncles_last_words_to_me/
%
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56vz8e/which_sexual_position_produces_the_ugliest/
%
Girl meets boy

Girl: What do you do for a living?
Man: I work with animals.
Girl: Aw, thats so cute!
... Man, 30yrs, butcher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56vy4t/girl_meets_boy/
%
Proper diaper fitting

If the baby's legs turn blue, it's too tight, if they turn brown, it's too loose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56vxn9/proper_diaper_fitting/
%
Two guys walk into a sandwich shop...

The 1st guy says, "I'll take the BLT on sourdough, please."
"One BLT coming right up!" Says the sandwich maker.
The second guy looks at the sandwich maker and says "I'll have a Donald Trump."
Confused, the sandwich maker asks, "A Donald Trump, what's that?"
In which the the second guy replies, "all white bread, a bunch of bologna and a little pickle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56vvc1/two_guys_walk_into_a_sandwich_shop/
%
I found some good cookie recipes with weed the other day.

Then I was like, "That's a weird place to keep cookie recipes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56vuh9/i_found_some_good_cookie_recipes_with_weed_the/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two. Real question is, how'd they get in there.?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56vt4e/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
"Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"
"It's the Police, sir."
"You'll have to wait, I'm having a shit."
"We know, Sir, the Phone Box has glass sides!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56vqdq/knock_knock/
%
The deaf bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about". The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56vk9m/the_deaf_bookkeeper/
%
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56veqf/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
A Man and his Goose .....

A man and a goose are best friends. They do everything together. One day the man says to the goose, "Let's go see a movie." The goose agrees, and they both make their way to the movie theater. Upon arrival the woman at the ticket counter says, "I'm sorry sir, you cannot bring your pet into the movie theater." The man protests that the goose is his best friend and that they do everything together, but the woman at the counter will not sell him a ticket. Dejected, the man and his friend goose leave. A block from the movie theater the man has a stroke of genius, he decides to place the goose in his pants, buy one ticket, and go to see the show. He places the goose in his pants, goes back to the theater, the woman at the counter asks him if he took the goose home, he lies and says he left him at home. Once they get inside of the theater the movie has already started and there is but one seat left next to an old man and woman. The man sits down next to the old man, and realizing he cannot let the goose out on to a seat since the theater is at capacity, he unzips his fly so the goose can stick his neck out and watch the movie. Toward the middle of the movie, the old woman leans over to her husband and says, "These theaters are not what they used to be. Look at that couple over there, they're not even watching the movie, they're just kissing. And those teenagers over there are texting instead of enjoying the show." The old man leans toward the old woman, while gesturing his thumb back toward the man and his goose and says, "You think that's bad! This guy's dick is eating my popcorn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56veq6/a_man_and_his_goose/
%
What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in?

A roundhouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56vel1/what_kind_of_house_does_chuck_norris_live_in/
%
A dog comes upon a set of train tracks

As the pup crosses the tracks a train comes by and runs over the dogs tail, causing the tip of his tail to fall off.
Saddened by his loss, the dog turn around to sniff his lost appendage.
As he is sniffing his tail another train comes by and cuts his head off.
The end.
The moral of the story:
Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56vegg/a_dog_comes_upon_a_set_of_train_tracks/
%
What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56vdzd/what_do_donald_trump_and_a_pumpkin_have_in_common/
%
What's your best memory? (NSFW)

A young journalist travelled to the Ozark mountains to find some new material to write about. He arrives in a hodunk town and finds an old timer sitting on his porch. He walks up to the man and asks if he could interview him and the man agrees.
"So, what is one of your fondest experiences?"
The old man thinks for a minute and says, "Well, one time my neighbors goat got lost. We rounded up a bunch of neighbors and went out to find it. We found it, fucked it, and brought it back to town"
The journalist thinks 'what the fuck, I can't write about this' and then asks, "Well, what's another one of your fondest memories?"
The old timer ponders for a minute and then says, "Whelp, another time my neighbors daughter got lost. We rounded up all the neighbors, went out and found her, fucked her, and then brought her back to town."
The journalist is incredibly disturbed and is about to end the interview but decides to ask one last question. "So what is one of the worst experiences of your life?"
The old timer responds without missing a beat. "I got lost once"
First post, I don't know how to do an NSFW tag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56vc4i/whats_your_best_memory_nsfw/
%
Today I learned that johann Sebastian Bach was a big time gambler...

It got so bad that he went baroque.
Sorry...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56vbyq/today_i_learned_that_johann_sebastian_bach_was_a/
%
I hate when I wake up in the morning hungover with penises drawn on my face,

Especially since I was drinking alone last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56va50/i_hate_when_i_wake_up_in_the_morning_hungover/
%
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?

It depends on how thinly you slice them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56v61l/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_shingle_a_roof/
%
A blonde prostitute is working the corner with her friends...

... when a prospective client walks up to her.
"H-how much?" the man asks. The blonde whispers the price in his ear, and he quickly agrees.
As they're walking away, her fellow prostitutes call out: "Aren't you forgetting something?"
The man turns back nervously, then feels for his wallet. It's full. He hasn't forgotten that. They walk further on.
The prostitutes call out louder, "Aren't you forgetting something?!"
Suddenly, a cold chill runs down the man's spine. He feels his jacket pocket. Plenty of condoms. Too many, in fact. He's over-prepared so that's not a problem.
Finally, the pair turn into an alley way as the prostitutes are barely audible, now. "Aren't you forgetting something?!?!"
No, the man is sure he hasn't. Out comes the money, on goes the condom, and the dirty deed is done behind a dumpster of all places.
"You know, I was really worried..." the man says, panting, after the very-quick quickie. "Not about forgetting the money, or the condoms... but this all went so smoothly that I was sure you were a cop and you'd arrest me!"
The blonde smacked her forehead, "I KNEW I forgot something!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56v5ec/a_blonde_prostitute_is_working_the_corner_with/
%
What did the executioner say to his wife when he left?

I'll beheading out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56v4an/what_did_the_executioner_say_to_his_wife_when_he/
%
A hat and a tie are out running

The tie gets tired and says he needs a break.
The hat replies "Don't worry. You hang around and I'll go on ahead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56v0wp/a_hat_and_a_tie_are_out_running/
%
Why'd the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56v04e/whyd_the_mexican_push_his_wife_off_a_cliff/
%
"Honey, am I fat?"

"No, not at all"
"You're lying"
"I swear. By the way, you got something on your chin... no, the other one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56uyn8/honey_am_i_fat/
%
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom."Well, you really tied one on last night," she said."Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers.""A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?""What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?""Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56uvqy/a_fellow_decides_to_take_off_early_from_work_and/
%
Are you today's date?

Cause you're 10/10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56uu8a/are_you_todays_date/
%
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk.

I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56uq3v/there_was_a_guy_in_a_bar_one_night_that_got/
%
A man is on a business trip in Japan

On his first night, he decides he wants to hire a prostitute, so he goes out and finds the best he can, with his limited Japanese.
He brings her back to his hotel room, and the entire time the two of them are going at it, she is screaming "Ana ga chigau! Ana ga chigau!" He, of course, couldn't find *ana ga chigau* in his phrasebook, so he supposed he must have done a good job.
The next day, the man is out playing golf with the executives of the Japanese branch of his company, and on the ninth hole the Regional Manager scores a hole-in-one.
The rest of the party are applauding and congratulating in Japanese, and the man wants to say something in a similar vein so, recalling the events of the night before, he turns to the Regional Manager and says, *"Ana ga chigau."*
After a moment of stunned silence, the International Sales Manager turns to the man and says:
"What do you mean, wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ung7/a_man_is_on_a_business_trip_in_japan/
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the light bulb will change when it's ready

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ulue/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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[Long] A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed. An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK” The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much.  So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand. The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ulk3/long_a_male_patient_just_recovered_successfully/
%
Why are so many Italians named Tony?

Because on the boat over to America their shirts said To N.Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ul5b/why_are_so_many_italians_named_tony/
%
Jesus Christ is covered in blood, dying on the cross..

his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman gurad is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"
.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56uepr/jesus_christ_is_covered_in_blood_dying_on_the/
%
Why did the scarecrow win the award?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ue5y/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_award/
%
Trump is too politically incorrect, Hillary is too politically correct

Yet they're both incorrect for politics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ucpa/trump_is_too_politically_incorrect_hillary_is_too/
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A scientist preforms an experiment on a frog...

First, he puts the frog in a box. Once the frog is in the box, the Scientist claps . The frog, startled, jumps out of the box. The scientist then catches the frog and puts it back in the box.
Next, he removes one leg from the frog, and claps again. The frog, startled, jumps out of the box. The scientist then catches the frog and puts it back in the box.
Yet again, the scientist removes a leg from the frog. The scientist claps. The frog stays in the box.
The result of the study? Remove two legs from a frog, and it will become deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56u9u8/a_scientist_preforms_an_experiment_on_a_frog/
%
Donald Trump is the most unifying voice in American politics.

When was the last time Barack Obama, Paul Ryan, Jon Stewart, Glenn Beck, Bernie Sanders, George Bush, Elizabeth Warren, Mitt Romney, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Gore, John McCain, and Hillary Clinton all agreed on anything?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56u6u7/donald_trump_is_the_most_unifying_voice_in/
%
Thank you, Student Loan, for getting me through college.

I don't think I can ever repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56u5tw/thank_you_student_loan_for_getting_me_through/
%
What is the difference between a Yoghurt and the US

When you leave Yoghurt alone long enough it will atleast develop some kind if culture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56u3ob/what_is_the_difference_between_a_yoghurt_and_the/
%
Did you know Dora the Explorer has a muslim cousin? Her name is Doda

...the Exploder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tzb0/did_you_know_dora_the_explorer_has_a_muslim/
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If Trump wins I'm leaving the country if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country

Not a political post, I'm just a pilot so I always travel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tz1i/if_trump_wins_im_leaving_the_country_if_clinton/
%
Today I learned...

That I'm on the wrong subreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56txzn/today_i_learned/
%
Doctor: "Do you suffer from premature ejaculation?"

Patient: "No. I enjoy it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tx9s/doctor_do_you_suffer_from_premature_ejaculation/
%
What makes mexican and black jokes so similar?

Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tx68/what_makes_mexican_and_black_jokes_so_similar/
%
8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.
"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.
"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".
"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56twel/8year_old_alex_had_a_crush_on_his_teacher_so_he/
%
What fruit can't get married?

Cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tw1z/what_fruit_cant_get_married/
%
One injured in Greyhound rollover in Texas.

But the rest of the puppies are fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tu12/one_injured_in_greyhound_rollover_in_texas/
%
What do you call a lion with a fancy hat?

A dandy lion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tt7p/what_do_you_call_a_lion_with_a_fancy_hat/
%
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tr2p/a_teenage_girl_was_being_intimate_with_her/
%
Did you guys hear about that crazy thing Trump said at the debate last night? I couldn't believe it.

He said "Ohio is a spectacular place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tn21/did_you_guys_hear_about_that_crazy_thing_trump/
%
My wife and I decided not to have children.

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tko2/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_children/
%
What did the ghost say when he got to the halloween party?

Im here for the boos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tjce/what_did_the_ghost_say_when_he_got_to_the/
%
The wife enters the husband's office...

The wife enters the husband's office with her mother by her side and says:
"George, is it true that your partner just died?"
"Yes, it is, honey. Why do you ask?"
"I was wondering, could you please put mom in his place?"
He replies: "Well, you'll just need to talk to the gravedigger, I'm fine with it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tja1/the_wife_enters_the_husbands_office/
%
Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser

for the upcoming election. Worn out from being in the spotlight, he propositions a hooker and heads to a hotel room. Once inside, they rip their clothes off and start making out. She throws him on the bed and seductively asks "Do you enjoy felacio?" He looks at her with a blank face:
"Man, can't anyone cut me a break?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tiip/gary_johnson_is_at_a_fundraiser/
%
Once you've mastered being a surgeon...

... operating just become an exercise in patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56thw0/once_youve_mastered_being_a_surgeon/
%
I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.

Now he'll never have any friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56thvn/i_just_sprayed_a_mosquito_with_mosquito_repellent/
%
If you think Big Government is bad...

Wait until you see *Yuge* Government.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tg1l/if_you_think_big_government_is_bad/
%
How do you tell which nurse is the head nurse?

shes the one with dirty knees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56tcc8/how_do_you_tell_which_nurse_is_the_head_nurse/
%
How do you ask an Aussie waiter for the bill?

'Checkmate!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56t9qs/how_do_you_ask_an_aussie_waiter_for_the_bill/
%
I'm an undecided voter.

Shoot myself, overdose, or jump off a cliff?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56t40x/im_an_undecided_voter/
%
When a fly drops 5 inches

A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly, dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.
A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.
A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for it to go for the fish to shoot it.
A mouse sees the cheese sandwich and decides to wait for the hunter to shoot so that the sandwich will fall and he can get it.
A cat sees the mouse and decides to wait for it to go for the sandwich to jump and catch it.
So, the fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes for it, the hunter shoots, the sandwich falls, the mouse goes for it, and the cat jumps, but he misses and goes into the water.
The moral of the story: when the fly drops five inches, the pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56t3kq/when_a_fly_drops_5_inches/
%
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56t2du/how_many_friend_zoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
%
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56t244/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
%
I like my coffee how I like my women

Forgotten about in the kitchen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56szsf/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
%
What do you call a Jedi knight who delivers babies?

Obi-Gyn Kenobi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ssde/what_do_you_call_a_jedi_knight_who_delivers_babies/
%
Apparently my neighbor down the hall doesn't watch porn.

She came over 20 minutes ago asking I could fix her sink and I'm still fixing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56sqbl/apparently_my_neighbor_down_the_hall_doesnt_watch/
%
I don't understand how a priest can be out of shape...

They're always exorcising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56spvh/i_dont_understand_how_a_priest_can_be_out_of_shape/
%
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.  As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.  Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!  He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.  Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"  "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"  Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56spgs/a_man_absolutely_hated_his_wifes_cat/
%
What kind of bus can cross the ocean?

A Columbus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56snio/what_kind_of_bus_can_cross_the_ocean/
%
I go for chubby girls

because they can't run away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56shuc/i_go_for_chubby_girls/
%
Premature ejaculation problems

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.
The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.
The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56shft/premature_ejaculation_problems/
%
Today's a really good day...

10/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56sgs0/todays_a_really_good_day/
%
What does a radical sheep say?

Allahu Ak-Baa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56sg80/what_does_a_radical_sheep_say/
%
I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week..

I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week and I've finally found the G Spot..
Turns out her sister had it all along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56sf5q/ive_been_married_to_my_wife_for_20_years_this_week/
%
What was the last thing Beethoven accomplished?

Decomposing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56scqg/what_was_the_last_thing_beethoven_accomplished/
%
I left three Cleveland Browns tickets on my windshield before yesterday's game.

I came back and there were nine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56s9mf/i_left_three_cleveland_browns_tickets_on_my/
%
So a man walks into a bar with a crocodile...

... and the bartender tells him that he can't have a crocodile in the bar because it is a safety hazard. The man insisted that the crocodile was tame and said that he could prove it. The man proceeded to whip out his balls and place it in the crocodile's mouth. His let his balls rest in the crocodile's mouth for nearly 10 minutes. After 10 minutes he said, "see I told you it was tame" then turning to the people gathered asked if anyone else would like to try to which a man in the back piped up "sure I'll try, but I don't know if I can hold my mouth open that long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56s9h9/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_crocodile/
%
What's the difference between a New Yorker and a Canadian?

A New Yorker takes the A train; a Canadian takes the train, eh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56s8qw/whats_the_difference_between_a_new_yorker_and_a/
%
Donald and Hillary walk into a presidential debate.

And America walks out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56s8a9/donald_and_hillary_walk_into_a_presidential_debate/
%
Crazy vs stupid

A truck driver was doing his delivery run next to a Mental Hospital, when he had a flat tyre. So he got the jack and as he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
Frustrated, he started cursing his luck, when he saw a man with patients uniform who happened stop by and ask the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he could do anyway, told told the patient about the incident.
The patient laughed at him and replied "Can't even fix such a simple problem?   "Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing bolts, it's as easy as that"
The driver was very impressed and asked: "You're so smart but why are you here at the mental hospital?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy, but am not stupid"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56s7ep/crazy_vs_stupid/
%
Little Johnny

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56s6vt/little_johnny/
%
What do the mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of tongue, and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56s0ww/what_do_the_mafia_and_a_pussy_have_in_common/
%
A very tough question to answer

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ryib/a_very_tough_question_to_answer/
%
Why do Rednecks love cheeseburgers?

Because they are in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ry3r/why_do_rednecks_love_cheeseburgers/
%
At the bank, I told the teller I'd like to open a joint account

She asked "Okay, with whom?"
"With whoever had the most money" I answered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56rx9x/at_the_bank_i_told_the_teller_id_like_to_open_a/
%
BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision

Fuck, how fast must they have been walking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56rvgn/bbc_news_two_pedestrians_die_in_collision/
%
Today was a great day

10/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56rt7n/today_was_a_great_day/
%
I always hear voices when I go for a poo.

Shitzophrenia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56rrpj/i_always_hear_voices_when_i_go_for_a_poo/
%
Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.
Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"
Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."
Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56rr4z/obama_putin_and_merkel_discuss_their_submarines/
%
I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69...

She said, "No, but I have done 53
That's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56rpne/i_asked_my_grandma_if_she_had_ever_tried_69/
%
I saw a lady with 12 nipples the other day...

Sounds weird dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56roj4/i_saw_a_lady_with_12_nipples_the_other_day/
%
What is something long and hard that a Polish Bride gets on her wedding day?

A last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56roh4/what_is_something_long_and_hard_that_a_polish/
%
Why did TEN die

because he was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56rnb5/why_did_ten_die/
%
Honestly, everyone can get fucked...

So what if I don't know what 'apocalypse' means?
It's not the end of the world!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56rlq6/honestly_everyone_can_get_fucked/
%
You know that feeling when you've had a long day at work, you drive home and nothing is going your way?

It's probably because you're driving in the wrong lane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56rl2q/you_know_that_feeling_when_youve_had_a_long_day/
%
Why did the dog run into the corner every time the door bell rang?

because he is a Boxer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56rkm8/why_did_the_dog_run_into_the_corner_every_time/
%
They say that Indian Cooks are a jack of all trades...

But a master of naan.
My girlfriend said this to me when we were getting indian food tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56riqh/they_say_that_indian_cooks_are_a_jack_of_all/
%
I have a phobia of over engineered buildings

It's a complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56rffn/i_have_a_phobia_of_over_engineered_buildings/
%
How many Friend Zoned guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56rccw/how_many_friend_zoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
%
Why is my Tetris highscore like my wife?

I beat both of them for fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56rblq/why_is_my_tetris_highscore_like_my_wife/
%
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today...

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new Taser...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56rb19/met_a_beautiful_girl_down_at_the_park_today/
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Why don't Arab women need Insurance?

Because they are already covered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56r9vr/why_dont_arab_women_need_insurance/
%
I recently bought an alcoholic ginger beer

He wasn't pleased

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56r8ls/i_recently_bought_an_alcoholic_ginger_beer/
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Detailed Cleaning

I asked a friend of mine by phone what he was doing. He told me he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed. In further conversation, I learned that he was "washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56r4k6/detailed_cleaning/
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A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56r3yy/a_blonde_woman_asks_for_a_5000_loan/
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Two nuns are painting a room...

Two nuns were assigned to a job of painting a room in the church. The head nun told them, "Don't get ANY paint on your clothes!" Naturally, the two nuns were puzzled as to how they would do this. Then, they figured they could just get naked. So they got naked and began to paint, after a while they heard a knock at the door. "Who is it?" they said. "Blind man." He replied. They decided "Hey, he's blind we won't have to worry about him seeing us naked." They opened the door and the man said, "Nice tits, now where do you want me to hang up the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56qued/two_nuns_are_painting_a_room/
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[LONG] A cowboy is walking through the desert.

He's incredibly exhausted and he's just had the last few drops of his water, so naturally he gets super fucking pumped when he reaches a town. The town is the normal, cliché Western town, complete with a bank for robbing, a saloon for drinking, a sheriff for sheriffing, and a tumbleweed store for dramatic high-noon dueling. Being the tired and weary traveler that he is, the cowboy heads straight for the saloon and orders a drink.
As he sits at the bar, he gets to talking with the stranger he's sitting next to. It turns out that the man is a foreign horse merchant, and is in town for the next week to sell some of his horses. The cowboy decides to stay in town for the night so he can buy a horse the next day.
The next morning, the cowboy goes to the horse merchant and asks him about the horses. The merchant starts talking about how fast one horse is, how strong another one is, and how smart a different horse is. However, none of those horses draw the cowboy's eye. He walks up to a big, beautiful stallion and asks the merchant, "What do you call this here horse?"
"Oh, that horse Tim."
"Alrighty then, how much for Tim?"
"Tim not for sale."
"Wha- N- Not for sale? Why?"
"Tim don't look too good."
"'He doesn't look too good'? What are you talking about? This is a beautiful horse!"
"I tell you, he don't look too good. He not for sale."
This goes for a bit, with the cowboy wanting to buy Tim and the merchant insisting that Tim isn't for sale, until finally, the cowboy pulls out his wallet. "Hey, I'm offering to pay you for a horse that you think doesn't look good. I think Tim looks perfectly fine."
"Ok. Give me $400. You buy Tim. Now go."
The cowboy takes Tim and goes on his way. A few hours later, he comes back, and he's furious.
"Hey, what's your problem, man!? You sold me a blind horse!"
The merchant looks at him and calmly responds, "I tell you, he don't look so good."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56qsf1/long_a_cowboy_is_walking_through_the_desert/
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Donald Trump answers the question during the debate...

Mr Trump, what is 2+2? "I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy but he's like, "10101000101", on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. That I can tell you. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me, is going to be beautiful. OK? Alright. Thank you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56qm9c/donald_trump_answers_the_question_during_the/
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What do you call it if an illegal immigrant fights a sex offender?

Alien vs. Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56qgez/what_do_you_call_it_if_an_illegal_immigrant/
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TIL if Steve Irwin had worn sunscreen that fateful day, he would have survived.

Apparently it protects against harmful rays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56qdw9/til_if_steve_irwin_had_worn_sunscreen_that/
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Similarity between beggars and software engineers

When two beggars meet each other and two software engineers meet each other after a long time,
the question asked is the same .
On which platform are you working these days?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56q5a9/similarity_between_beggars_and_software_engineers/
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In tonight's debate Trump said we can't trust the rebels

I'm not surprised; he has always reminded me of Emperor Palpatine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56q48g/in_tonights_debate_trump_said_we_cant_trust_the/
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I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56q1ws/i_keep_burning_food_with_my_presidential_debate/
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What did the ghost say to the other ghost at the Halloween party?

Let's get sheet-faced!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56pz3x/what_did_the_ghost_say_to_the_other_ghost_at_the/
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How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 40, because my basement's still dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56pyq3/how_many_dead_babies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A gay man goes to church one Sunday...

As the offering basket is passed, he drops in a big wad of bills.
When the basket gets back to the minister, he notices the wad of money and announces: "Someone here was very generous in the offering today. I would like to ask the person who gave this large amount of money to please stand."
The gay man stood up.
The minister continued, "Well, sir, we certainly do appreciate your generosity. And to show our appreciation, I'm going to let you select your three favorite hymns."
"Okay," the gay man replied, "I'll take him, him and him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56pw21/a_gay_man_goes_to_church_one_sunday/
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What do you call a Canadian Muslim?

A Mooselim!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ptln/what_do_you_call_a_canadian_muslim/
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A ghost walks into a bar...

For the boos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56pptd/a_ghost_walks_into_a_bar/
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One evening, a wife drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How devote they are?

He kisses her everytime they meet. Why don’t you do that?”
“I would love to,” replied the husband, “but I don’t know her well enough.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56pmxu/one_evening_a_wife_drew_her_husbands_attention_to/
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Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water".

Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one".
Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56phu8/husband_waiter_my_wife_spilled_her_water/
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A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.

’ ‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56pgyi/a_little_boy_says_dad_ive_heard_that_in_some/
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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56pgrs/getting_married_is_very_much_like_going_to_a/
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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.  I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56pgg0/a_man_went_to_the_police_station_wishing_to_speak/
%
Why didn't Rivendell help Gondor?

Elfish reasons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56pfkr/why_didnt_rivendell_help_gondor/
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Whats the difference between sex and US Presidental elections?

In sex,the decision to choose the cunt or the asshole is a pleasure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56pf2d/whats_the_difference_between_sex_and_us/
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I'm never going bungee jumping.

I came into this world due to broken rubber, I'll be damned if I leave because of it.
**Edit:** Wow, never knew this was so original. My dad told me it years ago, thought it was a typical dad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56peu1/im_never_going_bungee_jumping/
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A man walks into a bar and gets drunk...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He downs it quickly and orders one more. This process continues for a while until the man is clearly drunk. When asking for his 4th round, the bartender says she can't serve intoxicated customers and asks the man to leave, so he does. However, after an hour, he returns to the bar, still drunk. The bartender, aggravated, tells the man to get out. The man leaves once again, but this time, he meets another person outside the bar. He tells the person that he himself if Jesus Christ. The other person doesn't believe him and asks for proof. The man agrees and says "Follow me."
He walks into the bar and instantly the bartender yells "Jesus Christ! What the hell are you doing here again?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56pdxq/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_gets_drunk/
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A neutron walks into a bar

He orders a drink and the bartender passes him one.
The neutron goes to reach for his wallet, but the bartender stops him.
"For you, no charge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56pc59/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56pb64/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_were_waiting/
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They should pass out condoms at the election

That way the American people can at least be safe when they're fucked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56p8zj/they_should_pass_out_condoms_at_the_election/
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A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56p8kf/a_linguistics_professor_is_lecturing_his_class/
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I have a fear of speed bumps

But I am slowly getting over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56p1ix/i_have_a_fear_of_speed_bumps/
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The people who run Reddit are secretly cows, and I can prove it!

[remoooved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56p0eb/the_people_who_run_reddit_are_secretly_cows_and_i/
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How does a blonde count a thousand sheep?

She counts the legs, and divides by 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56p05h/how_does_a_blonde_count_a_thousand_sheep/
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So I got the new Note 7

and I don't see what the fuss is about exploding? Everything is going fi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ozdv/so_i_got_the_new_note_7/
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So the presidential debate is tonight.

Even vegans can't stay away from this pig roast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ou42/so_the_presidential_debate_is_tonight/
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"Your word is their..."

"Your word is their," said the spelling bee judge.
The contestant, confused, asked for a sentence.
"They're looking for their dog over there," replied the judge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56otec/your_word_is_their/
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What do you call a cow with no sense of humor ?

A feminist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56oqtd/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_sense_of_humor/
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What's the most sensitive part of a man's body when he's masturbating?

His ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56onc9/whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_a_mans_body_when/
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"Do you want to see a nice clock?" I said, lowering my trousers, "That's not a clock!" She exclaimed when she saw my dick...

It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56olpx/do_you_want_to_see_a_nice_clock_i_said_lowering/
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Donald Trump was just issued a notice by the IRS

Ordering him toupee up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56oj4s/donald_trump_was_just_issued_a_notice_by_the_irs/
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A man holding a monkey walks into a bar .

He sits on a stool and asks for a drink, the bartender is a bit surprised to see someone with a monkey, but leaves him be.
Mid drink the monkey jumps to a table nearby and starts eating stuff, first some peanuts, then a sip of beer, the bartender starts to say something, but the man instantly responds saying he'll pay for whatever the monkey eats.
The monkey continues eating stuff, and decides to jump into the pool table, picks a ball and eats it, the bartender's jaw drops, but the man says he'll pay for it, finishes his drink and indeed pays for everyhing.
2 months later the man walks into the same bar holding the same monkey, he sits on a stool and asks for a drink.
Mid drink the monkey jumps to a nearby tabble, stuffs some peanuts up it's ass, takes them out and eats them. The bartender is stupified, but the man ensures him he'll pay for the damages:
-That's not it, - says the bartender - it's that your monkey put the food in it's ass before eating.
-Oh that - the man answers - he started testing his food ever since the poll ball incident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ohlx/a_man_holding_a_monkey_walks_into_a_bar/
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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the condoms.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used. EVER...!"
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked! She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!", she said, "He's got a big one hanging there!"
The boss said, "Go back in and give him $3.50. He's the window cleaner!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ocfj/a_young_girl_started_work_in_the_village_chemist/
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What kind of fish is made out of two sodium atoms?

Tuna (2Na).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56oc5d/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_out_of_two_sodium_atoms/
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[Long] 4 Rabbis were on a hill...

They would argue day in and day out about theology. There seemed to be one Rabbi, however, that was always on the odd end of the argument. The other 3 Rabbis seemed to always team up on him.
He knew he was right so one day he called out to the heavens, "Oh God, I know that I am right and they are wrong! Please give a sign to prove that to them!"
Suddenly a swarm of 100s of bird flew across the sky in a magnificent pattern. The other rabbis just said, "Nothing that can't be explained by natural causes..."
The sad rabbi called out again to the Lord, "Give them another sign!" Suddenly many lightning bolts struck a nearby hill. "Nothing that can't be explained by natural causes..." the other rabbis responded.
Finally, as he was crying to God one last time the heavens opened, the sky became a dark red color, and a booming voice cried, "HE'S RIGHT!"
The 3 rabbis thought for a moment before saying, "So? Now it's 3 against 2!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56oa0m/long_4_rabbis_were_on_a_hill/
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How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, that's a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56o8z8/how_many_software_engineers_does_it_take_to/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56o76m/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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What did Arnie say when asked about Windows 10?

I still love Vista baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56o6zt/what_did_arnie_say_when_asked_about_windows_10/
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How do you tell the difference between a Syrian hospital and an ISIS military base?

I don't know either, Johnny, just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56o3ew/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_syrian/
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Why do Americans write "color" instead of "colour"?

Because fuck "u", that's why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56o35b/why_do_americans_write_color_instead_of_colour/
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why doe s porn hub even have a share to google + button?

I dont want any one to know i have a google +...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56o19i/why_doe_s_porn_hub_even_have_a_share_to_google/
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Have you heard about the Nascar driver that's in the KKK?

He's a racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56nxwm/have_you_heard_about_the_nascar_driver_thats_in/
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A bigot redneck and a psychopathic grandma get into an arguement

Someone filmed it and decided to call it politics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56nxcw/a_bigot_redneck_and_a_psychopathic_grandma_get/
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Why did the farmer fire the DJ?

Because he kept dropping beets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56nvx1/why_did_the_farmer_fire_the_dj/
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Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage. I used to shave my privates with one

But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ntrm/shaving_with_a_straight_razor_takes_a_lot_of/
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56nrhc/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide and seek

While Einstein is counting down from 100,  Pascal runs and hides. Newton stands in pain view, and carefully measures out a meter square, then stands in it.
When Einstein turns around, he exclaims "Newton you're supposed to hide so I can't find you" . Newton replies "you found a Newton over a square meter, you found a Pascal"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56nr89/newton_einstein_and_pascal_are_playing_hide_and/
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Why is Tigger so dirty?

Because he plays with Pooh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56nqbx/why_is_tigger_so_dirty/
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What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch the other watches your snatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56np4x/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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My friend used my todo list to roll a blunt

He's high on my list of priorities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56nm1k/my_friend_used_my_todo_list_to_roll_a_blunt/
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What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56nlxe/what_do_prime_numbers_and_stoners_have_in_common/
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What’s the definition of “trust”?

Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56nlu7/whats_the_definition_of_trust/
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What was the first thing Hitler bought from the beauty shop?

Polish remover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56nl1d/what_was_the_first_thing_hitler_bought_from_the/
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Damn girl are you a smoke detector?

Because you're super annoying and wont shut the fuck up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ng6t/damn_girl_are_you_a_smoke_detector/
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For me sex is like a game

Single player

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56nf9w/for_me_sex_is_like_a_game/
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My favourite porn category is the one where girls quote 19th century Irish writers

Girls Gone Wilde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56nezs/my_favourite_porn_category_is_the_one_where_girls/
%
One American in Rome, Drinking beer at street cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.

American: Hello, do you understand English?
Girl: only little.
American: How much?
Girl: Fifty dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ndmq/one_american_in_rome_drinking_beer_at_street_cafe/
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I take my women like i take my stairs.

Two at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ncvu/i_take_my_women_like_i_take_my_stairs/
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Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?

Student: No, he did it all by himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56na6o/teacher_did_your_father_help_your_with_your/
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The bartender with magic apples

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "can I get a Jack and Coke?"
The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of alcohol! We've got some magic apples if you'd like to try one of those."
The man reluctantly agrees to try an apple.
"Hey, cool! It tastes like Jack Daniels!"
The bartender replies, "Yeah, now try the other side!"
The man tries the other side and it tastes like Coca Cola.
The man calls his brother, "Bro, get to the bar immediately, you won't believe this!"
His brother walks into the bar and orders a Vodka Cranberry.
The bartender once again explains how they are out of alcohol, but have magic apples.
The brother agrees, but is disappointed.
"It would be better if it didn't taste like straight vodka."
The bartender tells the man to taste the other side of the apple.
The brother is shocked that the other side tastes like cranberry juice and calls his best friend to come to the bar.
The friend arrives and the brothers explain to their friend how you can order anything you want and the apples will taste like what you order.
So the friend tries to pull a fast one on the bartender and asks for an apple that tastes like pussy.
The bartender hands the man an apple and the friend takes a bite.
"Hey! This tastes like shit!"
The bartender replies, "Taste the other side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56n9ty/the_bartender_with_magic_apples/
%
Why did the stoneworker get fired?

Because he took his job for granite I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56n90l/why_did_the_stoneworker_get_fired/
%
Ship was sinking. An oldman asked Roby, “How far is land”?

Roby: 2 KMs.
oldman jumped into sea.
oldman : Now, which direction?
Roby: Downwards!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56n8nx/ship_was_sinking_an_oldman_asked_roby_how_far_is/
%
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck

where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down."Well, did you see this?""Yes," motioned the monkey."What happened?"The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth."They were drinking?" asked the officer."Yes.""What else?"The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth."They were smoking marijuana?""Yes.""What else?"The monkey motioned "Screwing.""They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer."Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.""Yes.""What were you doing during all this?""Driving" motioned the monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56n7um/a_police_officer_came_upon_a_terrible_wreck/
%
Went to the doctors yesterday and was told I have to stop masturbating,

Apparently it was upsetting the other people in the waiting room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56n7ko/went_to_the_doctors_yesterday_and_was_told_i_have/
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The Atheist and the Bear

An Atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.
He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56n6nb/the_atheist_and_the_bear/
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What do you call a burger that merged with a laptop?

*A big mac*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56n6bu/what_do_you_call_a_burger_that_merged_with_a/
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Ricky sent SMS to his BOSS: "Me sick, no work"

Boss SMS back:
"When I am sick I kiss my wife try it"
2 hours later Ricky sms 2 boss:
"Me ok, ur wife very sweet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56n30k/ricky_sent_sms_to_his_boss_me_sick_no_work/
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What's the difference between a bad sharpshooter and a constipated owl?

One shoots, but can't hit.
The other hoots, but can't shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56n1fx/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_sharpshooter/
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How do you think the unthinkable ?

"With an itheberg." - Mike Tyson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56n0ad/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
How did the guy from Kentucky find his sister in the woods?

Pretty good!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mzhn/how_did_the_guy_from_kentucky_find_his_sister_in/
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From my redneck uncle: What do you call a dog with no legs?

"It don't matter, cause he ain't gonna come anyways."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mz9k/from_my_redneck_uncle_what_do_you_call_a_dog_with/
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For sale: one parachute.

Only used once, never opened, slight stain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mwxv/for_sale_one_parachute/
%
We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there.

Yesterday, for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mven/we_have_a_strange_custom_in_our_office_the_food/
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I’ve got no home, I haven’t got control, and I can’t see any escape.

I should get a new keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56munh/ive_got_no_home_i_havent_got_control_and_i_cant/
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A mechanical, electrical and computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar .....

A mechanical, electrical and computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar when the car suddenly began jerking and shuttering.
The mechanical engineer, said, "I think the car has a faulty carburetor."
The electrical engineer said, "No, I think the problem lies with the alternator."
The computer engineer brightened up and said, "I know, let`s stop the car, all get out of the car and get back in again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mrsr/a_mechanical_electrical_and_computer_engineer/
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Q: What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?

A: None. It just lets out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mpam/q_what_sound_does_a_grape_make_when_an_elephant/
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Christian lady living next door to a construction site got tired of hearing the constant cursing from the on site workers.

So she decided one day to pack a lunch and go eat with them while trying to get some religion into the loud, lewd men. Once most of the men had gathered under a shade tree, she walked over with her little brown bag and asked "Do any of you men know Jesus Christ?" They looked around at each other, and one stood and yelled up at the roofers still on the roof "Do you guys know Jesus Christ?", "Why?" one roofer yelled back down. The man on the ground yelled back "His wife's down here with his lunch" .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mp1e/christian_lady_living_next_door_to_a_construction/
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Husband to wife: "I am impressed, you only talked to your friend on the phone for 20 minutes."

Wife: "Oh, I dialed the wrong number"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mix0/husband_to_wife_i_am_impressed_you_only_talked_to/
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What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A dicktator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mgil/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_penis_and_a/
%
What do a Florida hurricane, a Kansas tornado, and an Arkansas divorce have in common?

Some poor sap's gonna lose a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mfr4/what_do_a_florida_hurricane_a_kansas_tornado_and/
%
Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room

... for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting sweaters for their respective babies.
Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one...
"What was that?", the other two ask, curiously.
"Calcium tablet. good for strong bones for my baby and it keeps me strong as well", she replies, patting her
stomach affectionately.
Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...
5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..
"What was that?", the other two enquire.
"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" and she pats her stomach affectionately.
All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...
5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..
"What was that?" ask the other two.
"Thalidomide. I fucked up the sleeves on this sweater"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mevd/three_pregnant_women_were_waiting_in_the_doctors/
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If I make you breakfast in bed, all I need is a simple thank you

Not all this "how the hell did you get in my house" and "I'm calling the cops" business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mco4/if_i_make_you_breakfast_in_bed_all_i_need_is_a/
%
What's the difference between a captain and a lt.col ?

A major difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mcgi/whats_the_difference_between_a_captain_and_a_ltcol/
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My sex life is like a Ferrari

I don't have one :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mb20/my_sex_life_is_like_a_ferrari/
%
A man goes into a bar with his dog.

He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mau8/a_man_goes_into_a_bar_with_his_dog/
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Who makes more money, a hooker, or a drug dealer?

The hooker, because she can wash her crack and sell it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mai2/who_makes_more_money_a_hooker_or_a_drug_dealer/
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What did the depressed philosopher say?

I drink because I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56mago/what_did_the_depressed_philosopher_say/
%
I was in the living room with my dad

when his feet got cold. He told me, "Get my slippers from upstairs". When I went up, I see two of my sister's friends and said, "My dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you."
"You're lying."
"I'll prove it." I said, and shouted, "Dad, did you say both of them?"
"What's the point of fucking one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56m9xt/i_was_in_the_living_room_with_my_dad/
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My dads solution to being bald

"Draw bunnies on your head, from a distance they look like hares"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56m9xe/my_dads_solution_to_being_bald/
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What do you call a pile of cats?

A meowntain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56m9t9/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_cats/
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Sock it to Me

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.” She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.” Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56m9o2/sock_it_to_me/
%
Mountain's aren't funny...

They're hill areas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56m9bf/mountains_arent_funny/
%
A pirate walks into a bar

with a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender looks at him for a moment, before asking, "Hey, what's up with the steering wheel?"
The pirate goes "Arghhh, it be driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56m73x/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find an old lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56m4og/three_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/
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What do you call people who use the pull-out method?

Mom and Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56m2d8/what_do_you_call_people_who_use_the_pullout_method/
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Why do people dislike the new iPhone 7 so much?

It can't do jack shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56m0fn/why_do_people_dislike_the_new_iphone_7_so_much/
%
A child asks his father about the origins of surnames.

'Well Johnny, you see that surnames originate from the professions. For example, Margaret Thatcher's surname shows that she has the origins of a roof thatcher,' says the father.
'Oh do you have any other names that you could tell me?' pleads little Johnny.
'Well of course there are the Turnbulls, who must've been farmers back in the day,' replies the father.
'What about the Dickinsons?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56lzml/a_child_asks_his_father_about_the_origins_of/
%
Set of jumper cables walks into a bar...

The bartender looks them up and down really slow and says, OK, I'll serve you, but don't be starting anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56lzad/set_of_jumper_cables_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My doctor says that I'm unstable and that I should get a lobotomy...

Fuck him, first thing in the morning I'm gonna march right in there and give him a piece of my mind!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56lyae/my_doctor_says_that_im_unstable_and_that_i_should/
%
Little Johnny and the Birds and the Bees

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56lxvp/little_johnny_and_the_birds_and_the_bees/
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Whats the difference between a performance by a female pornstar and an act by an escape artist?

One is a cunning stunt, the other has a stunning cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56lvnz/whats_the_difference_between_a_performance_by_a/
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I have just watched a documentary on marijuana.

I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56lvab/i_have_just_watched_a_documentary_on_marijuana/
%
I don't date Chinese girls...

That's a big red flag for me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56lu6z/i_dont_date_chinese_girls/
%
What's the difference between light and hard?

Well, you can sleep with a light on...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56lr7k/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
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I read that 30% of the internet is pornography and that really makes me disappointed in humanity...

...70% of the internet is being completely wasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56louw/i_read_that_30_of_the_internet_is_pornography_and/
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A MAN, A WIFE, A COP

A Man, His Wife And The Cop A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car. The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you. Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt! The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!" The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says, "No officer, only when he's drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56llpn/a_man_a_wife_a_cop/
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A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole

lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country.One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!" The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!" The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed the two bigger moles.Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56llou/a_momma_mole_papa_mole_and_baby_mole/
%
Remember Doodle-Bob from Spongebob?

So do I, guy was Sketchy as hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56lki0/remember_doodlebob_from_spongebob/
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I used to perform circumcisions for a living.

I got tons of tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56lexz/i_used_to_perform_circumcisions_for_a_living/
%
Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

In 2015 humans consumed 65 million tons of bananas and only 8 monkeys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56lapb/did_you_know_that_humans_eat_more_bananas_than/
%
What is the biggest joke in the world as of now?

The current US presidential election

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56lalp/what_is_the_biggest_joke_in_the_world_as_of_now/
%
If all the 7 days were to get in a fight, who would win?

Either Saturday or Sunday, because all others are week days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56l9n2/if_all_the_7_days_were_to_get_in_a_fight_who/
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A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56l723/a_business_man_got_on_an_elevator/
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If I got $1 for every time people called me a racist

Black people would rob me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56l5wx/if_i_got_1_for_every_time_people_called_me_a/
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Sidebar the Numbered Jokes joke, start linking reposts and numbering them

For science

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56l2o1/sidebar_the_numbered_jokes_joke_start_linking/
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A man gets on a bus..

..and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56l164/a_man_gets_on_a_bus/
%
How do you kill a hipster?

You drown him in the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56l0j8/how_do_you_kill_a_hipster/
%
I don't understand all the excitement over Usain Bolt

I finish in under ten seconds all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56kzy5/i_dont_understand_all_the_excitement_over_usain/
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What's the difference between three cocks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56kt03/whats_the_difference_between_three_cocks_and_a/
%
My Thai girlfriend is so generous

She gave me a pearl necklace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56krgv/my_thai_girlfriend_is_so_generous/
%
Why do lesbians only shop at REI?

Because they don't like Dick's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56kmqm/why_do_lesbians_only_shop_at_rei/
%
Racial issues in America are very complex

They're not just black and white

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56kkz3/racial_issues_in_america_are_very_complex/
%
My grandmother said her knee was tender...

But she's a fucking liar. I've been to a dozen different places, and no one will accept it as payment.
(I'm sure this joke or some variation has been told before, but I've never seen it on here and I just thought of it and had to post it. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56kksu/my_grandmother_said_her_knee_was_tender/
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What's the difference between purple and pink?

The grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56khp5/whats_the_difference_between_purple_and_pink/
%
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56khcf/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
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A police officer mistakenly arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned that you should never book a judge by their cover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56kekj/a_police_officer_mistakenly_arrested_a_judge_who/
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Why did the man sleep under the tractor?

Because he wanted to wake up oily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56kdbo/why_did_the_man_sleep_under_the_tractor/
%
My favorite French Army Jokes

**Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?**
To see the battle
**Why do French tanks have 6 gears?**
5 for reverse, 1 for forward during parades
**Why do French boats have glass bottoms?**
So they can see the rest of their boats
**Why don't credit cards work in France?**
They don't know how to say "CHARGE"
**What do you call a French man killed defending his country?**
I don't know, it never happened.
**France decided they would change their flag to be more suiting.**
In other words, France is the first country to have an all-white flag.
**Did you hear about the French rifle for sale on Amazon?**
It has never been fired but it has been dropped once.
**What does the French army use as camouflage?**
Their armpit hair.
**Why was the guillotine discontinued?**
They decided to use it for soldiers who won battles
**Did you hear about the French beating Russia in the war?**
Neither did I

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56kd5n/my_favorite_french_army_jokes/
%
Whats the best way to get over a girl?

Get under another one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56kd2j/whats_the_best_way_to_get_over_a_girl/
%
What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56kboz/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_that_lost_his_car/
%
One time I told my blind Nana to go on a seafood diet...

She died a week later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ka63/one_time_i_told_my_blind_nana_to_go_on_a_seafood/
%
After a concert

Bono started clapping and then said "Every time I clap, a child dies in Africa"
.
.
.
Someone from the audience chimed "Stop fucking clapping then"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56k9ti/after_a_concert/
%
Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56k8fj/is_he_sleazy_yes_is_he_disgusting_absolutely_did/
%
My analogies are like vacuums....

They suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56k4dg/my_analogies_are_like_vacuums/
%
America was declared the country with most busty people.

In the both genders category.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56k3gf/america_was_declared_the_country_with_most_busty/
%
A piece of shit walks into the bar

Its my dad. My dad is a piece of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56k302/a_piece_of_shit_walks_into_the_bar/
%
Why were the teachers eyes so crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56jz76/why_were_the_teachers_eyes_so_crossed/
%
Two Jewish mothers are talking

and one says, "I have some unsavory news. I sent my son to Israel to become a more faithful Jew, but he became Christian!"
The other mother replies, "Funny story! I sent my son there for the same reason, and he became a Christian as well!"
The two women, worried about their sons, went to their Rabbi for advice. When they tell him about the situation he says, "Funny story! Ten years back I sent my son to Israel for that very reason when he was studying to be a Rabbi, and he became a priest instead!"
They all decide it would be best if they prayed for guidance. After several minutes of prayer God addresses them, "What is wrong my children?."
They explain that all three of their children went to Israel to become better Jews but converted to Christianity instead. God replies, "Funny story!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56jwi8/two_jewish_mothers_are_talking/
%
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Bill Cosby?

Bill Cosby at least has the decency to buy a girl a drink first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56jslk/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and/
%
Mary Under had been teaching for a long time.

She taught 5th grade for 25 years all while enjoying a plain lifestyle. Having never married, she was not a complicated woman. She always brought the same leftovers in the same Tupperware for lunch. She had one fork, one spoon, one knife, and one bowl. Her classroom had little decoration, and her house was the same way.
Since she taught in a small town, everybody knew her, and some current students were children of her former students. One day in class when she was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grew up, a little boy said he wanted to be a comedian, and that he was learning how to do so from his father.
"You know, your father used to be the class clown. He was always putting tacks on my chair and forcing me to get up from my seat." said Mary.
The boy assuredly responded: "Oh I know all about that, Miss Under. He said he was a rotten child. He made me promise not to pull the pranks he did when he was a kid."
"Glad to hear that", Mary said as she got up from her desk chair.
Much to her surprise, the boy started laughing. Confused, she sat back down and the boy ceased laughing and looked at her in anticipation. When she stood again, the boy fell out of his desk and was rolling on the floor clutching his stomach from laughing so hard.
Angrily, she stormed over to the boy, still giggling on the floor. "I thought you said you weren't going to be trouble like your father! Did you put a tack on my seat? Answer me!"
The boy got beck in his desk and wiped a tear from his eye. "No!" He said with a chuckle. "My dad told me that the best punchlines in jokes are always Simple Miss Under standing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56jr1t/mary_under_had_been_teaching_for_a_long_time/
%
My girlfriend said she wanted to try new condoms with something a little special inside them

I said "what's that?"
she replied "Other men."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56jqja/my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_to_try_new_condoms/
%
How do you get an elderly lady to say f***?

Get another one to say bingo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56jpn3/how_do_you_get_an_elderly_lady_to_say_f/
%
What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?

A sorority.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56jnbo/what_grows_when_you_plant_a_pumpkin_spice_latte/
%
A man died and went to heaven

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Donald Trump's clock?" "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." "Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" "Oh, her clock is on Jesus's helicopter. He hasn't used it because it's too powerful."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56jgwb/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
Why do Norwegians drive Chevys?

They're afraid of drowning in a Fjord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56jdmr/why_do_norwegians_drive_chevys/
%
I find the f1 key really attractive.

I think I need help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56jdew/i_find_the_f1_key_really_attractive/
%
The Produce Clerk

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
The manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."
"Where are you from, son?"
"Texas, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."
"No shit???" replied the boy. "What team she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56jd1j/the_produce_clerk/
%
My best friend got cheated on by his deaf girlfriend...

His girlfriend cheated on him with a deaf guy... To be fair, he should've seen the signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56jbv4/my_best_friend_got_cheated_on_by_his_deaf/
%
It's looking like Hillary is definitely going to win the election

I think I might move to Benghazi, at least she'll leave me alone there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56j970/its_looking_like_hillary_is_definitely_going_to/
%
A chemist walks into a bar

He sees his colleagues in the bar and says, "Lads, tonight, the drinks are on me." The chemists all woo and cheer as the bartender says, "Well you must have had a good day at work today then?"
"Fantastic," the chemist replies with a beaming grin stretching from one cheek to the other, "I've finally found a way to make a stable molecule out of a barium atom, two sodium atoms and a sulfur atom!"
"W-wow!" The bartender says in shock, "That's BaNaNaS!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56j80q/a_chemist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I cant believe I forgot to go to the gym this morning.

That's 7 years in a row now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56j6fs/i_cant_believe_i_forgot_to_go_to_the_gym_this/
%
What's the difference between Turkey and Duck?

Duck doesn't deny the Armenian Genocide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56j5qo/whats_the_difference_between_turkey_and_duck/
%
What happens when you tell a sexist joke to a feminist mod?

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56j3gz/what_happens_when_you_tell_a_sexist_joke_to_a/
%
A man sees a limbless woman on the beach crying...

A man sees a woman without arms or legs crying on a beach. He runs up to her and asks "What's wrong?"
"I've never been hugged before..." she says sobbing.
The man hugs her and she seems to calm down a little, but continues crying.
"Why are you still sad?" says the man.
"I've never been kissed before..." she says, still crying.
The man kisses her and she seems happier for a moment, but again continues crying.
"Why are you crying again?" says the man, asking for the third time.
"I've never been fucked before..." says the woman, crying less now.
The man picks the woman up and launches her into the sea saying
"you're fucked now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ixz7/a_man_sees_a_limbless_woman_on_the_beach_crying/
%
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you",

She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ix29/sitting_next_to_my_wife_today_i_said_i_love_you/
%
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow?

It's making headlines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56iwkk/have_you_heard_about_the_corduroy_pillow/
%
I hope Death is a woman

That way, it will never come for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56iulu/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
A young couple were walking home after a night out

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56iul1/a_young_couple_were_walking_home_after_a_night_out/
%
I put my root beer in a square glass.

Now it’s just beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56irtg/i_put_my_root_beer_in_a_square_glass/
%
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e., the illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ipnz/how_many_lawyers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Don't step on the ducks

Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best not avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ip7t/dont_step_on_the_ducks/
%
Elementary Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend
.'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.''
What does that tell you?'
Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56iohq/elementary_dear_watson/
%
Why are A's like flowers?

Because B's go after them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56illz/why_are_as_like_flowers/
%
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale...

I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ikys/my_girlfriend_wanted_a_marriage_just_like_a_fairy/
%
What is the difference between an egg and a redditor?

Eggs get laid at least once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ik58/what_is_the_difference_between_an_egg_and_a/
%
I'm trying to write a joke with the word "cunt"

But I cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ijln/im_trying_to_write_a_joke_with_the_word_cunt/
%
For Sale: Parachute

Never opened, slightly stained.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56iie6/for_sale_parachute/
%
The Queen shouted at some pigeons and they died.

Talk about killing two birds with one's tone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ihfl/the_queen_shouted_at_some_pigeons_and_they_died/
%
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby...

My name, address and telephone number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56igeq/so_much_has_changed_since_my_girlfriend_told_me/
%
The difference between men and women...

A man's wife walks into their apartment at 8am after a night out. The husband, visably annoyed asks "where were you?". His wife responds, "oh I was just staying at friends house, nothing to worry about!". Suspicious, the husband waits till his wife is getting changed, calls 10 of his wife's best friends asking if she had stayed with them last night. Every one said, "no way, she didn't stay with me last night!"
Later on that week, the husband stumbles in at 8am after a night out. The wife, shocked, asks, "where were you last night?". The husband says "I was staying at a friend's house last night". When he leaves the room his wife picks up the phone and calls 10 of her husband's best friends...
8 of them said he stayed there last night and 2 of them said he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56igda/the_difference_between_men_and_women/
%
Clowns terrorizing the streets. A real life billionaire villain running for president.

We need Batman now more than ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56iewv/clowns_terrorizing_the_streets_a_real_life/
%
Chinese girl

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ienp/chinese_girl/
%
A hiring manager had a stack of resumes, took half, and threw them in the trash...

Coworker asks, "what are you doing!?!"
HR Manager said, "I don't like to hire unlucky people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56idu0/a_hiring_manager_had_a_stack_of_resumes_took_half/
%
I was in bed last night with my wife...

I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse." I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ibxv/i_was_in_bed_last_night_with_my_wife/
%
What do you call a computer that sings?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56i5ev/what_do_you_call_a_computer_that_sings/
%
A blonde 8 year old girl is walking home one day...

... when she finds a welders mask. She thinks to herself "awesome" and puts it on and continues on her walk. A few minutes later a middle aged dude pulls up alongside the little girl and says "Hey kid, nice mask, wanna lift?" The little girl doesn't know any better and decides to take him up on his offer.
So the kid sits in the passenger seat playing with the mask. The guy turns to him and asks "hey... uh.... do you know what sodomy is?" and the kid says "no". They drive for another bit, the kid continues to play with mask and the dude asks "hey do you know what a hand job is?" and the kid says "no". So, again, they drive for another bit and finally the guy asks "hey, do you know what a blow job is?". the kid sighs hard and turns to the guy and says "hey listen, I'm gonna level with you... I'm not a real welder."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56i57t/a_blonde_8_year_old_girl_is_walking_home_one_day/
%
There's a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don't join ..

but enough about the Church ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56i2mo/theres_a_gang_in_my_neighborhood_that_recruits/
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Why did the rock go to the therapist?

Because it wanted to be a little boulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hzo9/why_did_the_rock_go_to_the_therapist/
%
I don't think I will ever find a stable job...

Because quite honestly I'm very uncomfortable around horses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hz12/i_dont_think_i_will_ever_find_a_stable_job/
%
A conversation between God and and Angel

GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hybb/a_conversation_between_god_and_and_angel/
%
Slavery is such an ugly word...

I prefer the term lifetime unpaid internship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hsx2/slavery_is_such_an_ugly_word/
%
How did the Allies have time to prepare D-Day?

Because Russia was Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hr6l/how_did_the_allies_have_time_to_prepare_dday/
%
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hoar/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_fetus/
%
I took 8 courses of spanish...

...but then they cancelled Dora the Explorer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hnq2/i_took_8_courses_of_spanish/
%
What did the man, who had his kneecap replaced by that of a child's, say when he bumped his leg on a table?

Ow, my kidney!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hnc8/what_did_the_man_who_had_his_kneecap_replaced_by/
%
You can't spell grope

without GOP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hmxz/you_cant_spell_grope/
%
I'm not sure Hillary should be in Office...

The last Clinton left a bad taste in people's mouths.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hihq/im_not_sure_hillary_should_be_in_office/
%
I think the scariest Halloween decorations I've seen this year have to be

All the little blue signs that say Trump-Pence on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hh9j/i_think_the_scariest_halloween_decorations_ive/
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Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hh2h/jehovahs_witness_dont_celebrate_halloween/
%
Whats the difference between a preschool and a taliban camp?

I don't know man. I just fly the drones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hgur/whats_the_difference_between_a_preschool_and_a/
%
I might be schizophrenic ,

but at least I have each other .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hfa0/i_might_be_schizophrenic/
%
What is matthew mcconaughey favorite bread?

All rye all rye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hdti/what_is_matthew_mcconaughey_favorite_bread/
%
I named my kids after the place they were conceived

Although I'm almost 100 percent sure Intheass isn't mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hdeo/i_named_my_kids_after_the_place_they_were/
%
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56hco3/i_gave_up_my_seat_to_a_blind_person_on_the_bus/
%
A Man throws a stick

The stick lands on a car, the dog follows it.
The car goes to JFK airport, the dog follows it. 'Come back!' Yelled the man, but to no avail.
The stick lands in baggage, the dog goes into another baggage in hopes of finding the stick.
The respective owners of the baggages are both going to China, 24 hours later, they arrive at the Hong Kong international airport.
The dog retrieves the stick, and goes around the airport finding for the plane going to JFK Airport, the confused local public exclaimed in shock:「咦？隻狗喺度做緊啲咩呀？」
About a day later, the dog arrives at JFK airport and finds his way home and gives it's owner the stick.
It's a good story, but I think it's a little far-fetched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56h8mr/a_man_throws_a_stick/
%
Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?

It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56h7uj/why_is_joey_tribbiani_a_presenter_on_top_gear/
%
+Do you speak English?

-Yes!
+Name?
-Abdul Al-Rhazim.
+Sex?
-Three to five times a week.
+No, no... I mean male or female?
-Yes, male, female... Sometimes camel.
+Holy Cow!
-Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
+But isn't that hostile?
-Horse style, dog style, any style!
+Oh dear!
-No, no deer! Deer runs too fast, hard to catch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56h2zn/do_you_speak_english/
%
I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Bill O'Reilly has more."
Bill, you filthy bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56h1x0/i_was_watching_the_news_this_morning_when_the/
%
Did you hear about the guy who crushes Pepsi cans with a hydraulic press?

It's sodapressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56h0tt/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_crushes_pepsi_cans/
%
6th grade class

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56h0lb/6th_grade_class/
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Why is Trump so keen to build a wall to keep out Mexican rapists?

He's afraid of the competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56h0gu/why_is_trump_so_keen_to_build_a_wall_to_keep_out/
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Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?

Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gzqj/why_are_redneck_murder_cases_the_hardest_to_solve/
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A redhead tells her blonde friend she had sex with a Brazilian while on vacation.

The blonde says, "You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gyug/a_redhead_tells_her_blonde_friend_she_had_sex/
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What was the slutty princess full of?

Kingdom come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gvm3/what_was_the_slutty_princess_full_of/
%
Why is North America so salty?

Because its Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gu68/why_is_north_america_so_salty/
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How we know that God is not an engineer

When designing the human body, an engineer would not run a sewer line through a recreational area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gpov/how_we_know_that_god_is_not_an_engineer/
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Which clown has killed the most people?

Ronald McDonald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gp93/which_clown_has_killed_the_most_people/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gmup/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
What's the difference between anal and oral?

Oral will make your whole day, Anal will make your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gmjn/whats_the_difference_between_anal_and_oral/
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It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' The man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56glok/it_was_autumn_and_the_red_indians_asked_their_new/
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I was going to make a chemistry joke, but...

Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gldv/i_was_going_to_make_a_chemistry_joke_but/
%
Tired due to sex all the time

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy,  "Man you look tired."
His mate says: “Mate I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day. She wants sex before breakfast, sex before I go to work, when I come home she’s tearing my shirt off as I come through the door. She’s got her hands down my pants after dinner. She even joins me in
the shower almost every night. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow in his 60’s sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said,
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that shit !!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gl9d/tired_due_to_sex_all_the_time/
%
I don't discriminate based skin colour, I do it based on clothes...

In fact you could call me a fashist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gk12/i_dont_discriminate_based_skin_colour_i_do_it/
%
Why does Trump watch the Olympics?

To see how high Mexicans can jump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gjgp/why_does_trump_watch_the_olympics/
%
A cabbie picks up a nun....

She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gfky/a_cabbie_picks_up_a_nun/
%
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. The engineer says...

... the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gfj1/some_say_the_glass_is_half_empty_some_say_the/
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A man is pulled over for speeding.

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gfd5/a_man_is_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
A lawyer and a blonde are on a plane

It's a long international flight, so about half way through the lawyer is really bored. Being a smart guy he figures he'll have some fun with the blond lady sitting next to him.
"Let's play a game" he says.
"No, I just want to sleep." She replies, and turns over.
Being persistent, the lawyer continues, "it's a really fun game. I ask you a question and if you can't get it right, you pay me $5 dollars. You ask me a question and I can't get it right, I'll pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention, so she agrees to play.
"Alright, I'll go first. What is the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde thinks for a second, sighs a sigh of defeat, reaches into her pocket and hands the lawyer $5.
"Alright, your turn" he says.
"What goes up a hill with 2 legs and comes down with 4?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute. He realizes he has no idea, but isn't going to be stumped by some blonde lady on a plane. He gets out of his seat and makes his way over to a group of lawyers he knows are on the plane. None of them know either. He asks a stewardess, and once again no luck. After exhausting his resources, which takes about an hour, he returns to his seat where he finds the blonde sleeping. He wakes her up and hands her $500. She promptly puts the $500 in her pocket, rolls over and goes back to sleep.
"Hey!" Yells the lawyer. "What goes up a hill with 2 legs and comes down with 4?!"
The blonde rolls over, lets out a sign of defeat and hands the lawyer $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gfbt/a_lawyer_and_a_blonde_are_on_a_plane/
%
About 90% of people do not know the opposite of these words...

Always Coming From Take Me Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gdzq/about_90_of_people_do_not_know_the_opposite_of/
%
Now I'm not saying that your new girlfriend is a slut..

but Bermuda Triangle has swallowed fewer seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gdyd/now_im_not_saying_that_your_new_girlfriend_is_a/
%
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says...

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gcri/a_little_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says/
%
Alcohol is a perfect solvent:

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56gc19/alcohol_is_a_perfect_solvent/
%
A Blonde was down on her luck...

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56garc/a_blonde_was_down_on_her_luck/
%
Barry gets home late one night......

......and Linda, his wife, says "Where the fucking Hell have you been???"
Barry replies "I was out getting a Tattoo"
"A Tattoo", she frowned. "What kind of Tattoo did you get?"
"I got a tattoo of a hundred dollar bill on my knob" he said proudly.
"What the Hell were you thinking?", she said shaking her head in disgust. "Why on Earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your knob?"
"Well, for 4 Reasons. One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56g9f8/barry_gets_home_late_one_night/
%
I hate when people kick my cats!

It really hurts my felines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56g8k0/i_hate_when_people_kick_my_cats/
%
Jesus fed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6 million Jews toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56g4ug/jesus_fed_5000_people_with_5_loaves_of_bread_and/
%
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet, and he's got no clothes on!"
He slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife. He rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the floor.
"You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack, and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56g4qt/a_guy_gets_home_early_from_work_and_hears_strange/
%
The Pope and Hilary Clinton were on the same stage at the Yankee Stadium in front of a giant crowd...

The Pope leans towards Hilary and says, "Do you know with one wave of my hand I can make this entire crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Hilary said, " I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand...show me!"
So the Pope backhanded her off the stage. The crowd roared and cheered  wildly and there was happiness through out the land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56g4jd/the_pope_and_hilary_clinton_were_on_the_same/
%
Ya know what usually happens when I get naked in the bathroom?

The shower gets turned on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56g4hh/ya_know_what_usually_happens_when_i_get_naked_in/
%
Son, it's finally the time for us to talk about sex

-- But dad!
-- No buts! That is all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56g3ue/son_its_finally_the_time_for_us_to_talk_about_sex/
%
If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56g24s/if_online_bullying_has_taught_us_anything/
%
The bar (Dad joke)

First guy walks into a bar. Second guy walks into the same bar. Third guy ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56g04z/the_bar_dad_joke/
%
I don't know what disturbs me more

about my attraction towards my girlfriends mother. The fact that she's 51 or the fact that she's also my mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56fx4g/i_dont_know_what_disturbs_me_more/
%
did you know you can tell how much a girl likes you by the position of their feet

Chances are if her feet are next to her ears she really likes you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56fwpx/did_you_know_you_can_tell_how_much_a_girl_likes/
%
A Mathematician is given a psychological test.

The first question asked "You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant. He is then asked "You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" to which the Mathematician immediately responds, "I'll set the house of fire to reduce this to a problem I've already solved."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56fqwn/a_mathematician_is_given_a_psychological_test/
%
Did you know that you could cool yourself to absolute zero...

and still be 0K?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56fpx0/did_you_know_that_you_could_cool_yourself_to/
%
What do you call a man with no body and a nose ?

Nobody knows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56fp15/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_body_and_a_nose/
%
I bought a new stick of deodorant today and the instructions say to remove the top and push up bottom

I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56fkjl/i_bought_a_new_stick_of_deodorant_today_and_the/
%
Like a Boss - Employee Gets Owned!

Boss: "Send me one of your funny jokes."
Employee: "I’m working at the moment. I will send you one later."
Boss: "That was fantastic! Send me another one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56fk0i/like_a_boss_employee_gets_owned/
%
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine ..

.. but catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56fiue/dogs_cant_operate_an_mri_machine/
%
What are Jehova Witnesses called in Chinese?

Ding Dong!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56fb7e/what_are_jehova_witnesses_called_in_chinese/
%
Red neck word of the day "fitness"

I don't think there's any way we're "fitness" in the back a da truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56fb26/red_neck_word_of_the_day_fitness/
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What's the difference between an egg and a redditor?

An egg gets laid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56faq8/whats_the_difference_between_an_egg_and_a_redditor/
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What did Dexter forget to bring to Art Class?

Supplies Mother Fucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56fa9f/what_did_dexter_forget_to_bring_to_art_class/
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Where does a pencil sharpener keep its money?

In a shavings account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56f9qw/where_does_a_pencil_sharpener_keep_its_money/
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3 guys are waiting while their wives give birth

A nurse emerges from the back and says, "Mr. David, come on back, your wife has delivered two beautiful babies!"
"Wow! Twins, huh? That's interesting, I'm from the twin rivers." Said Mr. David
After another hour, a second nurse comes into their room and says, "Mr. Smith, you wife has had healthy triplets!"
"That's awesome!" Replied Mr. Smith, "I'm from the three islands, Jonu, Frot and Trik." And with that he went back with the nurse
The third man begins sweating and praying. The first nurse returns to see if he's fine and if he needs anything. He looks terrified so she asks what's wrong.
"I'm from the forest of 1,000 trees!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56f9fe/3_guys_are_waiting_while_their_wives_give_birth/
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What's white on the top and black on the bottom?

Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56f8d4/whats_white_on_the_top_and_black_on_the_bottom/
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There are 5 white guys waiting in the waiting room while their wives are delivering babies

The nurse comes out with a black baby and asks, "Whose baby does this belong to?"
The men just look at each other dumbfounded until one man puts his hand up and says, "It's probably mine, my wife burns everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56f6uz/there_are_5_white_guys_waiting_in_the_waiting/
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I just bought a new house.

And its causing a rift in my family. We just moved into the city, a relatively small city, near some historical landmarks, really deep downtown jnto almost hipster territory. Anyways, the house we moved into is some old religious art studio long since forgotten, with no more art to be seen of course. But its come with much more than we have bargained for. The city is constantly on our ass about what we can, and cannot renovate. Their main concern is this bible passage that sits printed on the floor.  Some Catholic "Apostle's Creed" or something. Basically, we aren't good with contracts and our lawyer failed to mention to us the fact that the contract we signed states we aren't allowed to remove the floor or bible prayer/passage under any circumstances. And, I mean the thing is huge. It can be seen in every single room in the house, and its printed in huge, black font. Every single room in the house, even the bathroom. My wife, unfortunately, had not seen it yet. She was on a business trip in Japan. I was forced to break this terrible news to her over the phone.  The conversation did not go well.
"Hey, honey. Its me, tittoast."
"Hey sweetie."
"I've got some bad news about the house. How close are you?"
"Huh?"
"How close are you to home? And what I was saying was that there was
some bad news about the house."
"Oh, heavens,
what's the bad news? And, by the way, we're halfway there."
"Oh, whoa. We're livin' on a prayer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56f6hc/i_just_bought_a_new_house/
%
Animal Crackers

A woman's daughter kept begging for a box of animal crackers at the grocery store. The mother finally caved in and bought them.
Later, at home, the mother saw her daughter meticulously going through all the crackers.
"What're you doing?" asked the mother.
"The box says not to eat if the seal is broken! So I'm trying to find the seal to make sure it's not broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56f43i/animal_crackers/
%
How do you get an anorexic chick in bed?

Well, it ain't a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56f3uu/how_do_you_get_an_anorexic_chick_in_bed/
%
what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon?

I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56f2lg/what_has_2_legs_in_the_morning_and_3_in_the/
%
What is Al Qaeda's favourite team?

New York Jets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56evp4/what_is_al_qaedas_favourite_team/
%
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56etod/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56et53/little_johnny_is_back/
%
My neighbors son asked me to explain women to him.

So I bought him an Xbox game for his PlayStation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56enmn/my_neighbors_son_asked_me_to_explain_women_to_him/
%
I don't trust stairs

They're always up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56em5c/i_dont_trust_stairs/
%
A man walks into a bar at the top of a 30-story building...

...goes up to the bartender, and before he can ask for a drink, the man next to him leans over and says "a Rum and Coke will make you fly." The first guy looks at the second guy and just laughs at him, but the second man is adamant that it's literally true and asks the bartender for a rum and coke. The bartender makes it and the second man quickly downs it, and the two head over to the window. The second guy opens it up, steps out, and proceeds to fly twice around the building, much to the amazement of the first man.
"That's incredible!" he exclaims. "I've got to try that for myself!" So he heads over to the bartender, buys a rum and coke, downs it in a single gulp, and walks over to the window next to the second man. Giddily, he steps out of the window and immediately plummets 30 stories to his death. The bartender looks over at the second man and simply shakes his head as he walks back over.
"You know, you're a real asshole when you drink, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56elyb/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_at_the_top_of_a_30story/
%
Door to Door Sales

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . ‘
‘Go away!’ said the old lady. ‘I’m broke and haven’t got any money!’ and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.’
The old lady stepped back and said, ‘Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ejpy/door_to_door_sales/
%
My parents wanted to name me Odysseus

because I, too, broke through the Trojan wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ej2n/my_parents_wanted_to_name_me_odysseus/
%
I named my eraser Confidence...

Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56eimf/i_named_my_eraser_confidence/
%
An elderly man walks into a confessional.

Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’Man: ‘What sins?’
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56eigg/an_elderly_man_walks_into_a_confessional/
%
My math teacher called me average.

How mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56eey9/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
%
Sometimes I just wish I was black.

That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ebg5/sometimes_i_just_wish_i_was_black/
%
I lent a hot girl my umbrella while it was raining

That takes the amount of girls I've made wet to -1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56eavw/i_lent_a_hot_girl_my_umbrella_while_it_was_raining/
%
Leather armor is best for sneaking

Because it's literally made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56e8q5/leather_armor_is_best_for_sneaking/
%
That's the pope favorite method of payment?

PayPal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56e3em/thats_the_pope_favorite_method_of_payment/
%
Humans are like M&M's.

They might be in all different colors, but they all taste the same when you eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56e0l1/humans_are_like_mms/
%
I was sitting in church when a guy walked in and said hi to me.

He then walked up into the tower of the church and hit his face against the large bell a few times.
#BONG BONG BONG
He then walked back down the stairs and said "See you later mate" and walked out. As he left a few fellow church goers said to me, "Do you know that guy?"
I replied, "I don't think so, but his face rings a bell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56dwro/i_was_sitting_in_church_when_a_guy_walked_in_and/
%
Deep down...

...I knew scuba diving wasn't for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56dv7b/deep_down/
%
What's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane?

If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56drja/whats_the_similarity_between_your_wife_and_a_tin/
%
A sheep dog herds his sheep...

The farmer asks the dog, "Are my sheep ready?"
The dog answers, "Yes, all 30 of them!"
"Wait...I only counted 26," replies the farmer.
The dog tells the farmer, "Yeah, that's because I rounded them up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56dp7t/a_sheep_dog_herds_his_sheep/
%
What university department did the Fonz go do when he needed help paying his tuition?

Financial Ayyyyyyd
I'll^see^myself^out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56dp17/what_university_department_did_the_fonz_go_do/
%
What do you call Bigfoot when he has an attitude?

A sass-squatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56dnt0/what_do_you_call_bigfoot_when_he_has_an_attitude/
%
What is it called when a chemist has a really great winter break?

Litmus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56dnhz/what_is_it_called_when_a_chemist_has_a_really/
%
A father buys a robot that smacks anyone lying.

The dad brings the robot home. His son comes home and the dad asks "where have you been?" the son says "at school" the robot smacks the son. The son says "ok ok I was at my friends house." The dad asks "what were you doing?". The son says playing "board games". SMACK. the robot smacks the son and he says "ok ok we were watching dirty movies." the dad says "WHAT! when I was your age I didn't even know what those were". SMACK. The robot smacks the dad. The mom overhears and starts laughing and says " HAHA he sure is your son". SMACK. The robot smacks the mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56dl8s/a_father_buys_a_robot_that_smacks_anyone_lying/
%
A couple of Thai girls asked if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery.

They were right, we had six matching balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56dkhf/a_couple_of_thai_girls_asked_if_i_wanted_to_sleep/
%
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

One makes your whole week, the other makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56dj3n/whats_the_difference_between_oral_sex_and_anal_sex/
%
Why did the aquarium have an existential crisis when the dolphins were released to the wild?

It lost its porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56diz4/why_did_the_aquarium_have_an_existential_crisis/
%
How did NASCAR get that name?

Redneck: 'That's nascar ye got there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56did4/how_did_nascar_get_that_name/
%
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide, but you can't run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56dg45/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah that's the one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56d908/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_says_to_the/
%
I was walking in the park...

..and I saw a beautiful girl. I went up to her, spark flew, she fell at my feet and before I knew it we were having sex.
God do I love my new taser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56d7cp/i_was_walking_in_the_park/
%
Old and Pregnant?

A 68 year old woman told her friend over a bingo game that she wanted to have a baby.  Her friend, in reasonable disbelief, laughed at her.
The 68 year old woman retorted, "Well, I have the apparatus to and with today's technology, I can have a baby."
And she did just that. She got pregnant and had a baby boy. Her friend, shocked and sorry for mocking her, went over to visit. "I came over to see your baby with my own eyes because--I am sorry--but I have trouble believing it."
The now 69 year old woman replied, "Ok, just sit down, relax and have a cup of coffee."
Her friend confused asked, "Why?"
The 69 year old woman calmly responded, "Just wait til he cries."
Her friend impatiently asked, "Why can't you show me him now?!"
The 69 year old woman replied, "I don't remember where I put him."
*Credit to a sweet old lady in my life, who I adopted as my grandma.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56d6h9/old_and_pregnant/
%
What do Eskimos and Tupperware have in common?

They both love a tight seal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56d4wo/what_do_eskimos_and_tupperware_have_in_common/
%
I started a business selling explosive prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56d3wr/i_started_a_business_selling_explosive_prayer_mats/
%
Jerry sat proudly on his hazey steed

"Look at this!" He said, "I gave my horse a few puffs of the good herb, and he still managed to climb this towering mountain!"
"Get off your high horse, Jerry." I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56d3t5/jerry_sat_proudly_on_his_hazey_steed/
%
Put the punchline in the title.

How do you fuck up a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56czfx/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
%
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then peppery spray by the police...

he is now a seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56cx8r/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
%
Why don't casinos in Las Vegas hire girls from California?

Because they, like, can't even deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56cuk1/why_dont_casinos_in_las_vegas_hire_girls_from/
%
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ct7w/my_wife_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out_instead_of/
%
So an iPhone 7 gets arrested...

He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56csep/so_an_iphone_7_gets_arrested/
%
2 scientists walk into a bar

the first one says: I´ll have a glass of H2O...
the second one says: i´ll have a glass of water too.... Wh... why did you say H2O ? Is there any reason to use the chemical formular outside the lab ?Doesn`t this just over-complicate things for no reason ? I really don´t think that was very smart...
the first scientists stares at  his drink, angry, that his assassination plan has failed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56crtz/2_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates.

It doesn't last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56cpug/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
How did I get out of Iran?

Iraq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56cl6s/how_did_i_get_out_of_iran/
%
If a blind couple breaks up...

would they start hearing other people?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56cky9/if_a_blind_couple_breaks_up/
%
The doctor told Harry Potter to drink 2L of Water a Day, but Harry didn't listen.

Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56cguk/the_doctor_told_harry_potter_to_drink_2l_of_water/
%
What do Hurricane Matthew and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56cgof/what_do_hurricane_matthew_and_kim_kardashian_have/
%
40 years ago today I married my wife

My whole side of the wedding flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however i did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "you may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people where waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "you may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56cfx3/40_years_ago_today_i_married_my_wife/
%
What does an island and the letter "T" have in common?

They're both in the middle of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56celq/what_does_an_island_and_the_letter_t_have_in/
%
Today, my daughter came to me and told me...

"Dad, we learned in school that children inherit their intelligence from their mothers."
I said: "Of course you got your intelligence from mom. Because I still have mine".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ccqu/today_my_daughter_came_to_me_and_told_me/
%
My 5 year-old son caught me having sex with my wife.

He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"
"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.
"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ccdq/my_5_yearold_son_caught_me_having_sex_with_my_wife/
%
So a lion and a cheetah set out for a foot race...

So a lion and a cheetah set out for a foot race to see who's the fastest in the animal kingdom. The cheetah wins. The lion say "Hey, you a cheetah!" The cheetah says "Nah, you lion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56cbev/so_a_lion_and_a_cheetah_set_out_for_a_foot_race/
%
50% of analysis is...

anal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56cbc2/50_of_analysis_is/
%
I gave all my dead batteries away today ..

.. free of charge !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56c9ep/i_gave_all_my_dead_batteries_away_today/
%
What do American Beer and sex in a canoe have in common?

They're both fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56c9dt/what_do_american_beer_and_sex_in_a_canoe_have_in/
%
The Perks of Being Rich

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!” That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.” That’s Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” That’s Telemarketing.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That’s Customer Feedback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56c5ju/the_perks_of_being_rich/
%
Why did the storm trooper return his iPhone?

Because it wasn't the droid he was looking for!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56c5bc/why_did_the_storm_trooper_return_his_iphone/
%
Wanna hear my campfire jokes?

They're straight fire
Wanna hear s'more?
I deal crackers by the graham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56c450/wanna_hear_my_campfire_jokes/
%
Why were the Medieval centuries known as the Dark Ages?

It was the knight time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56c0z4/why_were_the_medieval_centuries_known_as_the_dark/
%
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy,

while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56byo0/an_irish_painter_by_the_name_of_murphy/
%
I made the Earth move for the last girl I had sex with.

And then I moved it back to the hole I had buried her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56bwd8/i_made_the_earth_move_for_the_last_girl_i_had_sex/
%
Clowns terrorizing the streets. A real life billionaire villain running for president.

We need Batman more than ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56bsqa/clowns_terrorizing_the_streets_a_real_life/
%
Little Johnny

One day, Little Johnny went to his dad and said to him, "Dad, when I grow up, I want to marry Grandma."
His dad replied, "Johnny, you can't marry my mother!"
Johnny said to him "But you married my mother. How is this any different?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56bqmp/little_johnny/
%
Shoutout to sidewalks

for keeping me off the streets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56bfwe/shoutout_to_sidewalks/
%
What's the difference between a fridge and a gay man?

A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56bfsg/whats_the_difference_between_a_fridge_and_a_gay/
%
I don't trust people with graph paper...

They're always plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56bcue/i_dont_trust_people_with_graph_paper/
%
How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique  up on him.
How do you catch a tame unique rabbit?
Tame thing....  You unique up on him too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56bcpm/how_do_you_catch_a_unique_rabbit/
%
Yesterday, I got so depressed..

..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56bc7r/yesterday_i_got_so_depressed/
%
A Southern Oldie But Goodie....

**Disclaimer: Must be read in a deep Southern drawl.**
A woman was standing in front of the window in the maternity wing looking at her newborn baby when another new mom walked up beside her. She pointed at a baby and said, "Is that your baby boy there?" The first woman replied, "Why, yes it is." The second woman then pointed at a baby boy beside it and said, "That's my third child. We named him Beauregard Winston Baldwin the THIRD after his great great great grandfather, the famous Confederate general."
"That's nice", said the first woman.
The woman kept talking. "My husband is buying me a four carat diamond ring to celebrate his birth!"
"That's nice", said the first woman again.
""When my second child was born, he gave me a brand new Mercedes Benz and took me to Tuscany for the Summer", she bragged again.
"That's nice", repeated the woman.
"And when I birthed our first child, my husband bought a yacht, named it after me,  and we sailed around the world!" She continued.
"That's nice", said the first woman again.
"Is this your first child? What did your husband buy you?"
The first woman turned to her and said, "When we found out I was pregnant, My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school?!?!" The woman asked incredulously.
"Yes", the woman said. "That's where I learned to say 'That's nice" instead of "Who gives a fuck?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56bbmt/a_southern_oldie_but_goodie/
%
Every 60 seconds in Africa...

A minute passes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56b8pt/every_60_seconds_in_africa/
%
My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56b8ag/my_daughter_walked_into_our_bedroom_to_catch_us/
%
So, I got married once..

To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. Wife isn't a hippy or anything and I'm not a huge fan, but fuck it, I promised her. Fast forward 10 years. Love comes back from school crying. I ask her what's wrong. Says she is being bullied because of her name. I cheer her up with some ice cream. Problem solved and best dad award achieved. Fast Forward 7 more years. Love has turned into a 9/10. She dresses normal. Always wears red nail polish. But she is shy, very shy. She is still mocked constantly because of her not so ordinary name. She comes home from school one day, obviously disturbed. I ask her if it's about her name. She says nothing and just kisses me on the cheek and leaves. First time she has kissed me since she was a baby. Just wasn't her thing. Then, I hear my wife pulling in. She is home early from work. I hear the door open from daughter's room. The door then opens from garage. Loud blast goes off directly behind me. I fall to the ground. Wife looks at me and screams. I look down and see bullet through my chest. Love says something about her name. I look up at my still beautiful wife and I say:
Shot through the heart
And you're to blame
You gave Love
...a bad name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56b89j/so_i_got_married_once/
%
THAT SMILE

A reporter asks Bill Clinton,. 'What did you find most attractive concerning Monica Lewinsky?"
He replied, 'She had the prettiest smile I ever came across."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56b6hg/that_smile/
%
I love the smell of my f5 key...

It is very refreshing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56b5yn/i_love_the_smell_of_my_f5_key/
%
Dyslexic man walks into a bra

Whole joke in title! New era of convenience! In mother Russia, joke laughs at you!
***Bonus***, since you came in here anyway:
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.  'It's not unusual' he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56b5dh/dyslexic_man_walks_into_a_bra/
%
The twin towers remind me of genders

There used to be two of them and people get offended when you talk about them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56b532/the_twin_towers_remind_me_of_genders/
%
Have you heard my construction joke?

I'm working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56b1zt/have_you_heard_my_construction_joke/
%
Hello, you're through to Sea World

Your call may be used for training Porpoises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56b1e2/hello_youre_through_to_sea_world/
%
What do you call a cat in love?

Romeow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56b0wi/what_do_you_call_a_cat_in_love/
%
What Did The Muslim Terminator Say?

Allah Be Back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56b0k5/what_did_the_muslim_terminator_say/
%
Donald Trump is like a marshmallow...

He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56azai/donald_trump_is_like_a_marshmallow/
%
What does an aging Mafia boss do for his birthday?

Forget about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56az3x/what_does_an_aging_mafia_boss_do_for_his_birthday/
%
What type of cancer is an anarchist immune to?

Prostate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ay9p/what_type_of_cancer_is_an_anarchist_immune_to/
%
A woman and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."
The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."
He says, "I was talking to the duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56aw5f/a_woman_and_a_duck_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a vaping vegan?1

Nothing! It isn't like you'll be able to get a word in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ass1/what_do_you_call_a_vaping_vegan1/
%
You can call me a narcissist...

Just make sure you say my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ardi/you_can_call_me_a_narcissist/
%
I wanted to make a joke about black people dads

But I don't know any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56aql8/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_black_people_dads/
%
The Pope Drives

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''
But the pope persists, ''Please?''
The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.''
So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.''
Chief: ''What sort of problem?''
Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.''
Chief: ''Important like the mayor?''
Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.''
Chief: ''Important like the governor?''
Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.''
Chief: ''Like the president?''
Cop: ''More.''
Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?''
Cop: ''It's...it's...it's DAVE!!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56amv8/the_pope_drives/
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What do you call a Jewish Pokémon Trainer?

Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56akwq/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokémon_trainer/
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Agent Smith

A long time ago, when Agent Smith was newly generated, he was tasked to kill the rogue program, The Oracle, and her son. He was new to the Matrix, and was unaware of her capabilities. So he tried to delete her by firing at her with his gun, though the Oracle safely removed herself and her son from danger, much to Agent Smith's dismay.
He never again had the same opportunity to delete her, as he soon received a new task; kill the one who would disrupt the Matrix; Kill Neo.
So every time he meets Neo, he reminds himself of that situation, so he can try to avoid the same mistake. "Mister Anderson".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56ag7d/agent_smith/
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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56af9k/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
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After sex I always get out my phone and order my wife a dozen roses.

My girlfriend thinks I'm hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56abp3/after_sex_i_always_get_out_my_phone_and_order_my/
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When I was 6 years old my priest took me aside and gave me a lesson about the birds and the bees.

He did this to many other kids. It went on for about 2 years. Until he left the church to pursue his career in zoology. He just loved teaching kids about animals. What a great man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56abeg/when_i_was_6_years_old_my_priest_took_me_aside/
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I asked my friend with an extra chromosome if he wanted to hang out...

He said he was down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56a9wh/i_asked_my_friend_with_an_extra_chromosome_if_he/
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Why did the blonde tip-toe near the medicine cabinet?

Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56a88r/why_did_the_blonde_tiptoe_near_the_medicine/
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My Muslim coworker brought a CD version of the Quran to work today.

He got really pissed off when I asked if I could burn a copy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56a7i0/my_muslim_coworker_brought_a_cd_version_of_the/
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What's the difference between a camera and a foot?

A camera has photos and a foot has five toes.
(Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56a56b/whats_the_difference_between_a_camera_and_a_foot/
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What's with everyone being scared of clowns recently?

Americas already got two running for president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56a4lj/whats_with_everyone_being_scared_of_clowns/
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What are Jehovah witnesses called in Chinese?

Dind Dong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56a4ck/what_are_jehovah_witnesses_called_in_chinese/
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A Chinese family of 5 decided to immigrate to the United States

Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu were told that in order to get a visa, they would have to Americanize their names.
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
Su and Fu decided to stay in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56a14a/a_chinese_family_of_5_decided_to_immigrate_to_the/
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So they've finally got Hitler in court..

And the Judge says to him, "Adolf, if you were given a chance to change anything about what you've done, what would you do?"
Hitler replies, "Well first I'd kill a few million more Jews, and then I'd kill a clown."
With a contorted face the Judge asks, "Why would you kill a clown?"
Hitler says, "See--nobody cares about the Jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56a12l/so_theyve_finally_got_hitler_in_court/
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A woman came in for a job interview wearing an abacus on her head. I hired her right on the spot.

It's so hard to find employees who you can count on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56a09q/a_woman_came_in_for_a_job_interview_wearing_an/
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How do you know you've been burgled by asians?

You come home to find your math homework was done, your computer was upgraded, and they're still trying to back down the driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569zxc/how_do_you_know_youve_been_burgled_by_asians/
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My wife has the body of a 16 year old schoolgirl...

She keeps it in the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569xg0/my_wife_has_the_body_of_a_16_year_old_schoolgirl/
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3 wishes

3 men are many miles out at sea fishing in their boat when they come across a lamp bobbing away in the currents. They scoop it out, rub it dry and a genie appears.
'Thank you for freeing me' says the genie. 'As is the custom you may have three wishes between you'.
The first fisherman says 'I wish when we get home each of us will have our very own mansions'. 'Granted; they will be waiting for you.
The second guy says 'I wish when we get home we will each have a safe with 100 million dollars each. 'Granted' says the genie. 'I will be there in your mansions.
The third guy thinks for a while and says 'I wish the ocean was made of beer'. 'Granted' says the genie and vanishes.
They all lean forward and scoop a handful of liquid and say at once, 'my god, it's true - this is beer'.
The first two guys then slap the third bloke and say 'you damn fool. Now we're going to have to piss in the boat'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569s79/3_wishes/
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Teach a human to fish and you'll feed them for a lifetime...

Teach a fish to human and you've got a scientific breakthrough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569qqf/teach_a_human_to_fish_and_youll_feed_them_for_a/
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This might be a bit rascist: What do you call an African American Houdini?

Black Magic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569prt/this_might_be_a_bit_rascist_what_do_you_call_an/
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Two fleas in a bar

So, there's a flea bar in Florida, and every year there's two fleas that meet there to enjoy the summer together.  Flea A is sitting in the bar, enjoying his drink, when Flea B walks through the door.  And Flea B is fucking frozen.  Iced up, shivering, shaking, and not looking so good.
Flea A looks at him and says "What the Hell happened to you?"
"Ugh, I had to catch a ride down here in the mustache of a biker doing 65 down the highway with no helmet on.  I'm freezing!"
Flea A shakes his head at Flea B and says "Look, buddy, I'll teach you the secret.  What you do, you go to that place the humans call an 'airport.'  And you find a 'plane' that's coming down here, and you go find one of those flight attendants.  Me, I like the female ones.  You crawl up her leg, and you get to that warm, wet spot between her legs, you relax and ride there the whole way here.  It's the fucking best."
Flea B looks like he just heard the secret of like, nods, and agrees.  "Hell yeah, man.  Next year!"
So the two have a great summer, say their goodbyes, and go back to flea life for a year.
Next year, Flea A is sitting in the bar, sipping his drink, and in through the door walks Flea B... shivering, shaking, and iced over.  Flea A is mortified, and just shakes his head.  "Dumbass, didn't you do what I told you to?"
"YES," yelled Flea B, "I did exactly what you said.  I went to the airport, and I found a flight attendant, and I crawled up her leg, and I got all settled in to that warm and wet place, and it was so fucking comfortable I fell asleep."
"Well what happened?"
"I woke up in the mustache of a biker doing 65 down the highway without a helmet on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569paw/two_fleas_in_a_bar/
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If guys call short girls "petite", what do girls call short guys?

Friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569oz6/if_guys_call_short_girls_petite_what_do_girls/
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What is a pirate's favorite letter?

Ya think it be R, but it's da C!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569odn/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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Want to hear a joke about Jonestown?

I'd tell you but the punchline is too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569o4e/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_jonestown/
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A man buys a centipede from a pet store

he takes it home and sets it up in its aquarium, and lets it get settled in for a while. After a few hours the guy gets bored and goes up to the centipede and asks, "hey, centipede, you wanna go out and get a drink? check out the ladies? you know, just hang out?" But the centipede doesn't say anything. The guy thinks, "it must be getting used to its new environment or whatever," and he goes to bed.
The next day after work, the guy's watching TV and he gets bored, so he goes up to the centipede again and taps on the aquarium glass, and says "HEY, centipede, you wanna go out, get a drink, maybe check out the ladies? Just hang out or whatever?" and the centipede doesn't say anything. The guys thinks, "that's weird, i wonder if it's sick or something. i'm not sure how centipedes are supposed to act i guess." and he shrugs it off and goes to bed.
The third day, after work, the guy gets bored watching TV and goes to the centipede again, this time getting a little exasperated. "HEY! CENTIPEDE! Do you wanna go out and get a DRINK, check out the LADIES or something?" and the centipede yells back, "I heard you the first time man, I'm getting my shoes on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569npb/a_man_buys_a_centipede_from_a_pet_store/
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Did you hear about the couple of gay Irishmen?

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569nba/did_you_hear_about_the_couple_of_gay_irishmen/
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I like my women how I like my wine

12 years old and locked in the cellar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569lrr/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_wine/
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Why don't women fart?

They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569l5n/why_dont_women_fart/
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My roommate is a chemistry major, and plays the organ..

One could say that he's an organic chemist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569klh/my_roommate_is_a_chemistry_major_and_plays_the/
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I think r/jokes may be glitched

Top of all time and new both show the same jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569i8b/i_think_rjokes_may_be_glitched/
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As Steve was eating a chocolate bar, a man walked up to him

Man: Chocolate isn't good for you
Steve: My grandpa ate chocolate every day, and he lived to be 104 years old
Man: Do you really think he lived that long because of the chocolate that he ate?
Steve: No. It was because he knew when to keep his mouth shut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569i4g/as_steve_was_eating_a_chocolate_bar_a_man_walked/
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So, tensions with Russia flair up...

... And the Cold War reignites. With both the USA and Russia standing on the brink of total nuclear annihilation, the leaders decide to meet. Both agree that nothing on earth is worth an apocalypse, so they decide to end things once and for all; with a winner-takes-all dogfight. Both sides have 5 years to breed a dog, and on the set date of the fight, a single uncontested world power will emerge.
The Russians immediately find the biggest and meanest Rottweiler in all of Russia. They breed it with Siberian wolves, and when the puppies are born, all but the single strongest one are killed. It gets all its mothers milk, and spends everyday being trained in abuse to become the ultimate killing machine. Specialists from all over Russia are brought in to train and genetically engineer the toughest dog the world had ever seen.
The five years pass, and it's the day of the fight. Everyone feels sorry for the Americans. The Russians showed up with beast nothing short of a hell spawn, while all the Americans have is an odd looking, 7ft long dachshund.
The fight begins, everyone is expecting a slaughter. The Russian dog snarls once, and is then is eaten in a single bite by the American dog.
The Russian president is in disbelief and goes to the American president and says,
"I don't understand, we spent 5 years and our best people creating an unbeatable killing machine, how did we lose? “
"Ha" laughs the American, "that's nothing, we spent 5 years getting our best plastic surgeon to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569huq/so_tensions_with_russia_flair_up/
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This is a joke my dad told me. He said he originally heard it from his father, who heard it from his father before him.

A man goes to the doctor and says
"Doc, I think I have a tapeworm"
The doctor looks at him and says
"Well, we're all out of medicine for that, but there might be something else I can do for you. Come home, then come back tomorrow with an orange, a Twinkie, and a baseball bat"
So the man goes home and gathers up his supplies, then goes to bed and shows up the next day with an orange, a Twinkie, and a baseball bat. The doctor takes the baseball bat and sets in the corner, then takes the orange and shoves it up the man's butt. He waits five minutes, then puts the Twinkie up after it. The doctor then tells the man to go home and come back the next day with another orange, and another Twinkie.
So the man goes home, and he comes back the next day with another orange and another Twinkie. The doctor takes the orange and he shoves it up the man's butt, then he waits five minutes then puts the Twinkie up after it.
The doctor and the man go on like this for a week, with the man coming back every day with an orange and a Twinkie.
Finally, at the end of the week, the doctor tells the man to come back the next day with just an orange. The man goes home, gets his orange and comes back the next day. The doctor takes the orange and, as is usual, shoves it up the man's butt. Then he waits. Five minutes go by, then ten, and the man starts to get impatient, but the doctor won't let him leave. Finally after half an hour, the man feels something shift inside his stomach. Suddenly, the tapeworm sticks his head out the man's ass and says "Hey! Where's my Twinkie?" And the doctor hits it with the baseball bat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I originally heard this joke in Spanish so sorry if it didn't translate quite right. I've never seen it on this subreddit or heard it from anyone else so I figured I'd post it. Let me know if you've seen it somewhere else, because I'd love to hear some other versions of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569gq2/this_is_a_joke_my_dad_told_me_he_said_he/
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My girlfriend and I always like to laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh with more intensity and greater strength.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569dxd/my_girlfriend_and_i_always_like_to_laugh_about/
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A prostitute, an engineer, a mathematician, and a politician discuss whose profession is the oldest.

The  Prostitute states that it is widely known her profession is the oldest. Engineer then said that before anything someone had to create the Universe, and that was an act of engineering. Mathematician said, that before creating the Universe, the logic and math had to be invented. Without that there was still be chaos. Then the politician asked: "And who do you thing created chaos?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569dgz/a_prostitute_an_engineer_a_mathematician_and_a/
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Why did the calendar give up on life?

Because he felt his days were numbered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569dbb/why_did_the_calendar_give_up_on_life/
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I was going to make some fat jokes...

But i don't think they fit the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/569d9x/i_was_going_to_make_some_fat_jokes/
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I dunno if a gun would be my murder weapon of choice

but it's worth a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5699v6/i_dunno_if_a_gun_would_be_my_murder_weapon_of/
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4 nuns die and stand outside the pearly gates.......

Saint Peter says I want to tell you all right now you are all getting in. But I need you to cleanse with this holy water first any body part that has ever had anything to do with a penis... The first nun says I have seen one!...he says ok splash some holy water on your eyes....she does and gets in the next one says I have touched one!... He says splash some on your hands..she does and gets in .just about that time the 4th nun jumps in front of the 3rd nun and saint Peter says whoa what are you doing I already told you ..you are getting in....the 4th nun says but ill be damned if I'm going to gargle that after she rinses her butthole out in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56977d/4_nuns_die_and_stand_outside_the_pearly_gates/
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Why don't Jehovah Witnesses like Halloween?

Because they don't like random people knocking on their doors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5692kh/why_dont_jehovah_witnesses_like_halloween/
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Joke from my daughter

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me:??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56928r/joke_from_my_daughter/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5691rd/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5691lt/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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A black guy sees an ad in the paper...

...that says, "Come and enjoy a relaxing afternoon floating down the river followed by a champagne party!" Well, the guy thinks this sounds pretty good and so heads on down to the marina. But as soon as he gets there, 3 white guys jump out of the bushes. They strip him naked, tie him to a log and throw him in.
So he's floating along, pondering his predicament, when he spots a Polack who's also naked and tied to a log.
He says to the Polack, "I bet we don't get champagne, either!"
The Polack says, "We didn't last year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568wpr/a_black_guy_sees_an_ad_in_the_paper/
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Want to hear a dirty joke?

Sam played in the mud.
Want to hear a clean joke?
Sam took a bath with Bubbles.
Want to hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door.
Enjoy this middle school level joke I suddenly remembered for some reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568wpb/want_to_hear_a_dirty_joke/
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A 90 Year Old Holocaust Survivor Told Me This One...

"Don't you think I have anything better to do than give 20 people on Reddit the same joke every day for the past 2 years?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568uz1/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_one/
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An Italian guy named Vinny comes to America to become an American Citizen...

To become an American citizen Vinny has to go to court and stand in front of a judge.
Vinny brings his whole family to the courtroom to cheer him on. They are a very loud and rambunctious Italian family.
Vinny stands in front of the judge and the judge says, "Ok Vinny, before you become an American citizen I have to ask you a few questions about American history"
Vinny very confidently says, "Hey, not a problem judge." As he looks back to his family, he can see that they are all very excited and waiting with eager anticipation.
The judge says "Ok Vinny, who was the first president of the United States?"
Vinny responds, "Oh judge, that's-a easy one... George-a Washington!"
Immediately Vinny's whole family stands up and erupts into applause. You can hear "Hey Vinny!" "That-a boy!" Way to go!"
The judge puts his hands up "Ok, ok, everybody calm down... Second question, when was the Declaration of Independence signed?"
Vinny confidently pulls on his collar a bit, put his hands out in front of him, and says "Judge, another easy one... 1776!"
Once again his family erupts, making more noise than the last time. "Way to go Vinny!" "That-a boy!"
"Calm down, calm down" says the judge.
At this point Vinny is pretty confident. He is looking back at his family, giving them a couple of "Hey-yo, howya doins" and they are loving it.
It seems as if the judge has lost all control of the courtroom. The family is on their feet and Vinny is in love with himself.
The judge says, "Ok Vinny last question."
"Not-a problem judge" Vinny replies.
The judge kind of smirks, knowing there is no way that Vinny gets this one. He says, "Who assassinated Abraham Lincoln?"
The crowd goes silent.
Vinny is looking around with his head down, clearly very distraught. It becomes very apparent that Vinny will not get the answer to this one.
Vinny nervously grabs his collar and replies, "Hey-a judge... well I-a... I don't know."
His family erupts in the biggest uproar of the night. People are now jumping up and down in excitement. It seems as if the clock just his midnight on New Years Day. The judge is banging his gavel, completely confused as to what is going on. Vinny turns to his family and raises his hands high in the air as if he just won a grand prize.
From deep within the crowd you hear a voice shout out with great pride... "That-a boy Vinny! Don't-a squeal on-a nobody!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568u96/an_italian_guy_named_vinny_comes_to_america_to/
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In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?

Medicine
... runs off ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568tq0/in_a_farmers_market_farmer_a_sells_pumpkins/
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It's a shame that nobody is stepping up to defend the clown community

Not even the mimes are talking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568s0b/its_a_shame_that_nobody_is_stepping_up_to_defend/
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My dog kept chasing people on a bike..

It got so bad, finally I had to take it away from him..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568r9r/my_dog_kept_chasing_people_on_a_bike/
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Canada already has a wall that keeps out the Mexicans...

Its called the United States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568m3v/canada_already_has_a_wall_that_keeps_out_the/
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A Czech and a lawyer go camping

Two friends, a Czech and a lawyer were on a vacation to Canada and decided they would go camping for a few days. so sure enough the first night they camped out two bears showed up. They were awakened by the rustling noises outside and got up to see what was out there. The bears became startled and one of them attacked the Czech and ate him. The Lawyer ran screaming off into the woods and kept running until he came to a Ranger station. He awoke the Park Ranger inside and told him what happened. The Lawyer and the Ranger went back to the camp site and found the two bears still sitting there. The Ranger noticed one bear was female and the other was a male. He asked the Lawyer which bear ate his friend. The Lawyer was certain it was the male bear so the Ranger shot the male bear and the female went running off into the woods. When they cut open the bear they did not find the remains of the Czech inside.
What did you learn from this story?
Never trust a Lawyer when he says the Czech is in the Male!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568lfw/a_czech_and_a_lawyer_go_camping/
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My favorite Caesar quote.

"Pizza! Pizza!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568kyi/my_favorite_caesar_quote/
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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568ihq/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
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I still remember my grandfathers last words to me

"stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568gwz/i_still_remember_my_grandfathers_last_words_to_me/
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What was shaken and is now stirred?

Haiti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568gm5/what_was_shaken_and_is_now_stirred/
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Why couldn't the post-it note make it to his son's birthday party?

Because he was stuck at the office!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568g0r/why_couldnt_the_postit_note_make_it_to_his_sons/
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After an attempted mugging a few months ago I decided to start carrying a knife...

now my muggings are a lot more successful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568f75/after_an_attempted_mugging_a_few_months_ago_i/
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In the ICU

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.
He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation after his accident.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble a reply,
"Can I feel your tits then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568by4/in_the_icu/
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I tried to make a joke about unemployed people...

But none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56886k/i_tried_to_make_a_joke_about_unemployed_people/
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What's the chemical formula for water?

A teacher goes up to a student and asks, "What's the chemical formula for water?"
The student goes, "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Last class you said it was H to O!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5687zf/whats_the_chemical_formula_for_water/
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Why are people so worried about Hurricane Matthew's wind speeds?

I thought CAT4 was capped at 16Mbps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5687p0/why_are_people_so_worried_about_hurricane/
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Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous, but...

when I tap on the window late at night dressed as a clown, they scream and call the cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5687mx/girls_say_they_want_a_guy_who_is_funny_and/
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A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.

Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"
Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".
Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"
Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"
Manager: "No sir it’s a different cow every time."
Man looks back to wife: "You see!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5686t9/a_bull_was_deployed_for_servicing_the_cows_on_a/
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I'm a feminist

So is my wife, but because I'm a man, I'm better at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5686jc/im_a_feminist/
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After an attempted mugging, I started to carry a gun around with me

Now my muggings are more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5684q3/after_an_attempted_mugging_i_started_to_carry_a/
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What do you put on zeboobs?

Zebra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/568272/what_do_you_put_on_zeboobs/
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A dad walking down the street is stopped and asked by a reporter..

A dad walking down the street is stopped and asked by a reporter: 'What would you do with 30 seconds to live?' He replies "I'd shag the first thing that moved". His daughter, next to him, is then asked the same question and says suspiciously "I'd sit very, very still."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5680lm/a_dad_walking_down_the_street_is_stopped_and/
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Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says,

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/567tji/two_police_officers_crash_their_car_into_a_tree/
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What did the elephant say to the naked man? [NSFW]

He said - hey, that's cute! But can you breathe through it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/567s51/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man_nsfw/
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A drunk man was looking confused at a hand mirror

"I've seen this person before" he said.
His drunk friend grabbed the mirror from his hand to take a look "That's me you dumbass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/567m5l/a_drunk_man_was_looking_confused_at_a_hand_mirror/
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I caught a mosquito in my hand..

It sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/567kpj/i_caught_a_mosquito_in_my_hand/
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Why do Jews have big noses?

cuz air is free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/567k9e/why_do_jews_have_big_noses/
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The year is 2028 and r/jokes is going strong...

A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"
The second most upvoted joke says "3915"
The third most upvoted joke says "756"
He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"
The admin replies "You must be new here. r/jokes has been around for so long, we've seen every joke, so we just refer to them by numbers now"
The new user wants to get a few upvotes so writes "504,323"
When he checks his account the next day his joke is the top post on reddit and the most upvoted r/jokes thread of the last 10 years. He messages the admin "What happened?"
The admin replies "Nobody had heard that one before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/567jwg/the_year_is_2028_and_rjokes_is_going_strong/
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Two dudes are walking down a street ...

... in the red-light district of amsterdam. They reach a show window with two women on a bed, a gorgeous brunette is pleasing a blonde with huge tits. When the brunette throws a lusting look at the guys, one of them bursts into laughter.
The other, extremely puzzled asks the first one: "Dude, what the fuck?"
and the other one replies: "Don't you get it?! Its literally pretty fucking stupid..."
EDIT2: came up with that myself, didn't learn english from porn. ;) Thanks for the upvotes!
(English is not my first language, might have taken some vocabulary from all the english porn... ;) )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/567jud/two_dudes_are_walking_down_a_street/
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A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy? The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money? He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/567flq/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_joke/
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What does Snoop Dogg eat when he visits Montreal?

Smoked Meat Every Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/567eth/what_does_snoop_dogg_eat_when_he_visits_montreal/
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I'm so chuffed with myself! I just completed a puzzle in 40 minutes

The box said 3-4 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/567de7/im_so_chuffed_with_myself_i_just_completed_a/
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Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway...

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until seven."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/567cvd/three_elderly_golfers_are_walking_down_the_fairway/
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As the saying goes, once you go black...

You become a single mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5678w3/as_the_saying_goes_once_you_go_black/
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What's burnt to a crisp and at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56786s/whats_burnt_to_a_crisp_and_at_the_top_of_the/
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Dough Boy

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56773g/dough_boy/
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Mountains aren't just funny

They are hill areas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5676j9/mountains_arent_just_funny/
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Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

Because she threw away all the ‘w’s!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/567653/why_did_the_blonde_get_fired_from_the_mm_factory/
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If you are attacked by a group of clowns...

Go for the Juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5672yr/if_you_are_attacked_by_a_group_of_clowns/
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If two vegans had an argument...

... Is it still beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5672ux/if_two_vegans_had_an_argument/
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How does a black women know if she is pregnant?

When she pulls out the tampon , the cotton is already picked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5671hm/how_does_a_black_women_know_if_she_is_pregnant/
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Do you know why Bill Clinton played the saxophone?

Because he lost his whoremonica

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56718m/do_you_know_why_bill_clinton_played_the_saxophone/
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No matter how kind you are...

...German children will always be kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56710u/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
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I just bought shoes from a drug dealer...

... I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5670bf/i_just_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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What's wrong with the plane that flies to Holland?

It Netherlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56708q/whats_wrong_with_the_plane_that_flies_to_holland/
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A Father comes home from work

To find the tv broken and his wife looking furious with their child.
"What happened?" The father asked.
"Our son broke the tv playing the Wii" she replied.
"Did he have the strap on?"
"No, I thought Id let you punish him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566zrx/a_father_comes_home_from_work/
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What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl ?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566zjo/whats_the_worst_thing_about_breaking_up_with_a/
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A Frog Went to a Bank

A frog wanted a bigger lily pad so he went to the bank to get a loan. He brought with him little statues of famous frogs throughout history (Kermit, Hypnotoad, etc.) that he had made.
He stepped to the first open teller, whose name was Patty Black.
"I want a bigger lily pad and I need a loan to make that happen," said the frog.
"Do you have any collateral?"
"I have these statues that I made by hand."
"Hmm, I don't know," said Patty. "I'm going to have to check with my supervisor."
The supervisor comes over and Patty explains the situation to him.
The supervisor checks out the statues then declares, "These are knick-knacks, Patty Black, give the frog a loan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566yj8/a_frog_went_to_a_bank/
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First Pitch or ...

One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you that you get to throw out the first pitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566yiz/first_pitch_or/
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Politicians are like sperm..

one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566wsz/politicians_are_like_sperm/
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Gandalf gave me a test...

I didn't pass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566vkv/gandalf_gave_me_a_test/
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The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here."

A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566uy1/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_your_kind_here/
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Murphy ask paddy

" why are you talking into that envelope? " paddy replies, am sending a voice mail, ya fucking idiot,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566s7r/murphy_ask_paddy/
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After an attempted mugging a few months ago I started carrying a knife

Now my muggings are much more successful!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566rks/after_an_attempted_mugging_a_few_months_ago_i/
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A Guy was arrested for driving over a bunch of people in a wedding...

The detective asked him, "Why did you do that?"
He replied: "There was 1 guy on the left side of the road, & the wedding was on the right. Which one would you have picked?"
Detective: I Would've picked the left side of course! 1 dead is much better than a dozen...
"Well, That's what i intended to do. But that bastard ran into the wedding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566q75/a_guy_was_arrested_for_driving_over_a_bunch_of/
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So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo...

...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566p56/so_a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo/
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My wife lost her mind when i told her i was seeing someone new.

I mean, is going to a new doctor really that serious?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566nwc/my_wife_lost_her_mind_when_i_told_her_i_was/
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I hear that you're supposed to learn from your mistakes

Probably why I'm an only child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566jxs/i_hear_that_youre_supposed_to_learn_from_your/
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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They both have the same middle name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566glm/what_do_alexander_the_great_and_winnie_the_pooh/
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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,
Mom.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566e22/a_mom_visits_her_son_for_dinner_who_lives_with_a/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike all the time

It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566dib/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_all_the_time/
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A Rabbi had been saving foreskin

He wanted to make something nice out of his collection so he brought them to leather tanner. When he goes to pick up his product he's surprised that all his foreskin collection only produced a coin purse. The leather tanner explained that if you rub the coin purse it turns into a duffel bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566aeh/a_rabbi_had_been_saving_foreskin/
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Time flies like an arrow..

Fruit flies like a bananna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5665fq/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
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Why was the peanut so salty?

Because it got R O A S T E D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5664jk/why_was_the_peanut_so_salty/
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A guy asks a girl to prom...

A guy asks a girl out to prom and she says yes. Excited, the guy goes to dress shop to get a tuxedo but there is a very long line. After buying the suit he goes to buy flowers for his partner. So he gets in another very long line in the flower shop. Finally after hours of waiting he goes to prom. After dancing for a while his partner asks him to get punch for her. When he gets there, their is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566282/a_guy_asks_a_girl_to_prom/
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Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/566015/did_you_know_you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by/
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Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell...

He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but it hurt like hell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565zss/superman_is_flying_around_the_city_horny_as_hell/
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*tips fedora at mosquito*

M'laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565zp4/tips_fedora_at_mosquito/
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Why did the atheist fail algebra?

He didn't believe in higher powers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565znq/why_did_the_atheist_fail_algebra/
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Students of Chemistry

Helium walks into a bar.  The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."  Helium doesn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565y9a/students_of_chemistry/
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What did the Texas sheriff say about the black guy who was shot 15 times?

"Worse case of suicide I ever saw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565y0n/what_did_the_texas_sheriff_say_about_the_black/
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I'm sexually attracted to one of my students

I knew that becoming a primary school teacher was a bad career choice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565w7e/im_sexually_attracted_to_one_of_my_students/
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If you're attacked by clowns...

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565u89/if_youre_attacked_by_clowns/
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I like my women like I like my calzones

Somewhat crusty on the outer part and really gooey and cheesy on the inner part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565u33/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_calzones/
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I started to make a gay joke today

Butt fuck it. People would just take it the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565td7/i_started_to_make_a_gay_joke_today/
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A driver is pulled over by a policeman

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565r1w/a_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_policeman/
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Don't masturbate with Crisco.

It's shortening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565ptn/dont_masturbate_with_crisco/
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A passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask a question...

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant, and stopped just 3 centimetres from a department store shop window.
For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said, "Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a funeral hearse for the last 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565pej/a_passenger_tapped_the_cab_driver_on_the_shoulder/
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Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and go seek

Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting, while Pascal dashes off to hide. Newton stays where he is and draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square in the dirt and steps into it. Once Einstein finishes counting, he notices Newton and says "AHA, I've found you Newton!" To which Isaac Newton replies "you didn't find Newton, Albert. You found a Pascal"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565o0t/albert_einstein_isaac_newton_and_blaise_pascal/
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What do you call cows with no sense of humor?

Feminists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565ize/what_do_you_call_cows_with_no_sense_of_humor/
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Have you heard about the world's largest broom?

It's sweeping the nation!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565h6x/have_you_heard_about_the_worlds_largest_broom/
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"They say you should dress for the job you want..."

"Then why the fuck are you naked?!?"
"Because I want a blow job"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565ep0/they_say_you_should_dress_for_the_job_you_want/
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Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either.
So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work.  Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565bax/farmer_joes_bull_breaks_down_the_barbed_wire/
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There were 3 kids in their mother's womb...

...The first one says, "When I get outta here I'm gonna be a plumber because it's always wet in here." The second one says, "When I get outta here I'm gonna be an electrician because it's always dark in here." The third one says, "When I get outta here I'm gonna be a hunter." "Why a hunter?" the other two ask. "Because that damn snake keeps poking his head in here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565b58/there_were_3_kids_in_their_mothers_womb/
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A very rich man gave birth to a son.

On the son's sixteenth birthday, The man asked him what he wanted, and said that he would get anything his heart could desire. The son only asked for a pink ping pong ball. His father was curious, but complied. After they had cake and ice cream and the son opened his presents, he went up to his room with the pink ping pong ball. The ball was never seen again.
The next year, on the son's seventeenth birthday, the man asked him what he wanted, and said that, since he was starting college early, he could have anything he wanted. The son only asked for a crate of pink ping pong balls. His father was confused, but he got a crate. After they had cake and ice cream and the son opened his presents, he went up to his room with the crate pink ping pong balls. neither the crate nor the balls were ever seen again.
The next year, on the son's eighteenth birthday, the man asked him what he wanted, and said that, since eighteen is a big milestone, he could have anything he wanted. The son asked for a truck full of pink ping pong balls. The father couldn't hold it any longer. he asked "what do you want with these pink ping pong balls?" The son only asked that he trust him a little longer. the father valued his sons privacy, so he did not pry, and bought his son a truck full of pink ping pong balls. After the sons extravagant eighteenth birthday party, he went out to the truck alone. The next morning, the pink ping pong balls were nowhere to be found.
The next year, on the son's nineteenth birthday, The man asked If the son still wanted pink ping pong balls. The son said that he would like a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls. The father had predicted as much, and was very rich, so he had their chauffeur drive the son downtown to a warehouse purchased for this express purpose. When the son got there, he asked that the chauffeur leave him there overnight. The chauffeur, not one to disagree with his superior, left him. The next morning, when the chauffeur went to retrieve the son, the entire warehouse was empty. There were no pink ping pong balls to be found.
The next year, just before his twentieth birthday, the son got in a car crash. When he was recovering in the hospital, the father went to visit him on his birthday. He asked, "Son, is there anything I can do to ease your pain? What shall I get you for your birthday?" The son only asked for a single pink ping pong ball. The father said, "You will have that, only tell me what you do with all these pink ping pong balls." The son said he would explain once he had the pink ping pong ball. The father went down to the corner store and bought a single pink ping pong ball. When he returned to the room, the son was having lunch. He sat down next his son and gave him the pink ping pong ball, "Now, please, tell me what you do with them." The son spoke, slowly and with a stutter inflicted by the car crash "I wanted all those pink ping pong balls because I..." He died midsentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/565b1t/a_very_rich_man_gave_birth_to_a_son/
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Josh tells his friend Steve, 'did you know 2 out of every 3 people live next to a paedophile?'

Steve replies 'not me, I live next to two smoking hot 10 years olds'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5658iw/josh_tells_his_friend_steve_did_you_know_2_out_of/
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The executive is overworked and decide to take some time off and visit his farmer cousins...

The executive is overworked getting stressed and decide to take some time off from work and visit his cousins who live in a farm in the country side.
He calls his cousin who is more than happy to have him over since they haven't seen each other in years.
When the executive gets there he notices that not much has changed since the last time he was there, a long time ago. He is filled with nostalgia and starts feeling better already.
They have coffee and chat for a little bit and the executive says he wants to do some farm manual labor to take his head off work and forget about the city life for a while.
The farmer says there is plenty of work to do around the farm and the executive can help him.
So the farmer tells him to wake up early the next day and meet him at the stable.
When the executive gets to the stable the next day the farmer shows him piles of bags and say:
- This is all the horse manure we collected for the past 3 months. Your job will will be to spread it over that empty field to fertilize the soil for the next season.
Two hours later the executive is done and goes to ask his cousin what else he can do.
The farmer is surprised. "This usually takes us a whole day! I only planned work for you for tomorrow".
So the farmer inspects the field and is astonished the executive did such a good job in so little time. So he tells him to take the rest of the day off and meet him at he chicken coop the next morning.
The next morning the farmer says: "We got a big chicken order from one of our clients and we have to deliver it ready for processing. Your job will be to cut the chickens head off so we can send them out.
Again, two hours later the executive is done and goes to ask his cousin what else he can do.  The farmer is surprised now even more. He didn't think his city cousin could manage farm jobs so well.
"This usually takes us two days, this is impressive! Meet me at the orange plantation tomorrow morning."
The next morning the farmer says: "The orange harvesting wasn't very good this year. We only got this 10 boxes of oranges. Your job will be to separate them in 3 piles, big oranges, medium oranges and small oranges. If anyone is bad just discard it."
To the farmers surprise, it's the end of the day and his executive cousin is still not back for dinner, so he goes to check on him. When he gets there is sees his cousin working out still on the first box, comparing sizes on two oranges, then picking a third one and changing it's original pile...
The farmer is puzzled, screeching his head. "what's the matter? I thought you would finish this in no time"
The executive looks at him and says:
"I'm an executive. We are really good at spreading shit and cutting heads. But we really struggle when it comes to making decisions"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5657vx/the_executive_is_overworked_and_decide_to_take/
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The price of smartphones are getting way too ridiculous

If I fall and hear something crack, I'm hoping it's a bone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5655j0/the_price_of_smartphones_are_getting_way_too/
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My wife is turning 32 soon...

I told her not to get her hopes up.
"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This *is* your thirty-second birthday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5653q9/my_wife_is_turning_32_soon/
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A husband and a wife were having dinner…

… the wife dropped some tomato sauce on her top and said 'ugh, I look like a pig'.
The husband responds 'AND you have tomato sauce on your top!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5651kp/a_husband_and_a_wife_were_having_dinner/
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When I see lover's names on a tree, I don't think it's sweet…

… I think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56505h/when_i_see_lovers_names_on_a_tree_i_dont_think/
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My name is Jafar

I come from afar
There is Note 7 in my car
Allahu Akbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564xsg/my_name_is_jafar/
%
In 21st century

Deleting history is more important than making history

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564xiv/in_21st_century/
%
What sex position produces the ugliest baby?

I don't know, ask your parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564wwl/what_sex_position_produces_the_ugliest_baby/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564v30/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
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What do you call an arrogant patronizing thief coming down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564uw0/what_do_you_call_an_arrogant_patronizing_thief/
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The Drunk and the Woman

A dirty, homless drunk wanders into a bar during the night. He sits down, and with the few dollars he made begging, buys himself a drink.
An hour or so later, a clearly intoxicated woman comes by and flirts with him. She whispers in his ear, "Hows a blowjob sound?"
The drunk punches her in the face, knocking her out. The bartender is stunned, and asks him what the reason for punching her was.
The drunk replies "I dunno, somethin about a job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564u40/the_drunk_and_the_woman/
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My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564sa1/my_grandad_is_a_real_inspiration_to_get_healthy/
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I like my women like I like my champagne

13 years old and smashed over the bow of my yacht

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564ruy/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_champagne/
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My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564qw2/my_girlfriend_just_admitted_she_used_to_be_a/
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I told an overweight joke the other day

A woman came up to me afterwards and said "You're fattist"
I looked her and said "actually....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564qru/i_told_an_overweight_joke_the_other_day/
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A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening...

She runs to her mum and says:
"Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1 ,2 ,3 ,4 ,5 ,6 ,7 ,8 ,9 ,10! I'm smart aren't I?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! I'm smart aren't I?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564ozs/a_little_blonde_girl_comes_back_from_school_one/
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If I bought a balloon for $0.99...

How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564o0r/if_i_bought_a_balloon_for_099/
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(Offensive) Old enough to count...

Old enough to mount ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564npq/offensive_old_enough_to_count/
%
Why is Ireland the richest country in the world?

...her capital has been Dublin for years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564npm/why_is_ireland_the_richest_country_in_the_world/
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I'm terrible at telling jokes...

I always punch up the fuck lines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564ndz/im_terrible_at_telling_jokes/
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Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564lhe/why_do_jews_get_circumcised/
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*tips fedora at a mosquito*

m'laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564h89/tips_fedora_at_a_mosquito/
%
Today, a girl said she recognized me from the Vegan Club

I said I never met... *herbivore*
~~Badum Tsss!~~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564fvs/today_a_girl_said_she_recognized_me_from_the/
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A guy walks into a bar.

He sits down when he notices a jar filled with money.
So he asks the bartender, “Why is that jar with money standing on the bar over there?”
The bartender explains “well, that money is for a challenge we’re having. You see, we have a horse out back, a beautiful stallion. And if you can go out there and make that horse laugh, you can have all the money in this jar. But, if you want to try, you have to put $ 5 in the jar first.”
“Alright then” says the guy, “I’ll give it a shot”.
He puts $ 5 in the jar and walks to the back, where the horse is.
2 minutes later the guy comes back and the horse is losing it, rolling on the floor laughing.
Somewhat stunned, the bartender gives him the money from the jar.
The guy sits down to drink a beer and then he leaves.
A week later, the guy comes back to the bar for another beer.
As he walks in, he notices there is a jar filled with money on the bar again. So he asks the bartender, “what's the money for this time?”
The bartender says “remember that horse you made laugh last week? Well, he hasn't stopped laughing. So now we have a similar challenge, same rules, only now the goal is to get that horse to stop laughing.”
“Alright, I’ll give it a shot” says the guy and he puts $ 5 in the jar. He walks to the back and he comes back less than a minute later. The horse is perfectly quiet.
He sits down at the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender gives him a beer and the money from the jar and says, “alright, you have to tell me how you did that.”
“Alright, I’ll tell you” says the guy. “To make him laugh, I told him my dick was bigger than his”
“But how did you get him to stop laughing?” the bartender asks.
To which the guy replies “I showed it to him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564fu7/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564ekp/why_do_programmers_get_halloween_and_christmas/
%
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, " sorry but we dont serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/564by0/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5649h2/if_you_love_something_set_it_free/
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Currently the most offensive joke going through my head.

What did the female Marine get moments after she was gang raped by her fellow Marines?
A Dishonourable Discharge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56499z/currently_the_most_offensive_joke_going_through/
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A traditional Indian woman in a bar

A traditional Indian woman working goes to the US for her first work assignment. In the evening, she visits a bar, which is the first time experience of her life.
After taking seat at the counter, a guy on her left orders : "Johnny Walker, single."
The guy on her right orders : "Jack Daniels, single."
Now the bartender looks to the the Indian woman and says : "And you?"
Lady replies : "Swati Subramaniam, Married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56499u/a_traditional_indian_woman_in_a_bar/
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Life is like a box of chocolates:

Disturbingly expensive, yet... vaguely disappointing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56478h/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
There are two types of people in the world

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5646b3/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a pedophile?

Alien vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56469k/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_a_mexican_and_a/
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What is white and hurts a homophobic man if it lands on him?

An airplane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56440p/what_is_white_and_hurts_a_homophobic_man_if_it/
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What's the difference between an athlete and Hitler?

An athlete succeeds in ending a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5643xf/whats_the_difference_between_an_athlete_and_hitler/
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A man was playing golf

..and he missed his shot
"Fuck I missed!" He exclaimed
Shot after shot he would shout the same phrase.
"Fuck, I missed!"
Behind him, was a priest who was very angry with this man's profanity. The priest says to the man,
" If you swear once more, I will make god strike you down with all his might!"
The man continues playing and quite surprisingly, is doing very well! Although eventually, he does in fact, miss his shot.
"Fuck I missed!" Shouted the man
"I warned you!" The priest retaliated, "Now God himself will surely make you pay!"
And just like clockwork, a bolt of lightning came from the sky, but it hit the priest!
And from the sky, a booming voice was heard.
"Fuck, I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5641ji/a_man_was_playing_golf/
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Doctor: You are very sick!

The patient to the doctor: Can I get a second opinion?
The doctor again: Yes, you are very ugly too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5640y5/doctor_you_are_very_sick/
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Trying to think of a good chemistry pun

But all the good ones argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563wcl/trying_to_think_of_a_good_chemistry_pun/
%
TIL Amedeo Avogadro died of skin cancer.

He never got that nasty mol checked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563vzx/til_amedeo_avogadro_died_of_skin_cancer/
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So a man dies and finds himself in Hell.

As he is sitting in the waiting lobby the devil walks up to him and they strike up a conversation.
"So what do you do here in Hell anyway?" says the man.
"Well do you like to smoke weed?" answers the devil
"Fuck yes!"
"You are gonna looove Mondays! We all gather together and smoke as much weed as we can handle!"
"What else?"
"Do you like to drink?" Asks the devil.
"Of course!"
"You are gonna loooove Tuesdays! We drink as much as we want with no risk of a hangover!"
"Awesome! Hell doesn't sound half bad!"
"and do you like to eat?" asked the devil.
"HELL YEAH!" replies the man.
"You are gonna loooooove Wednesdays! We always have a huge feast and you can eat all day without feeling sick!" says the devil.
"Alright!"
"and are you a homosexual?"
"um.. no."
"you're gonna hate Thursdays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563ub5/so_a_man_dies_and_finds_himself_in_hell/
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Who is the oppostite of Cristopher Walken?

Christopher Reeve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563u5p/who_is_the_oppostite_of_cristopher_walken/
%
The other day I tell my wife, "when I look into the mirror I only see an old fat man, I need you to make me feel better about myself."

She says "you have perfect eyesight." - Norm MacDonald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563two/the_other_day_i_tell_my_wife_when_i_look_into_the/
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I found out a friend was a vegan and it completely changed how I thought about her.

It was like I didn't know herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563sbu/i_found_out_a_friend_was_a_vegan_and_it/
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Recent studies have shown that Apple is trailing behind Samsung in innovation

Experts predict that it will take at least another two years for iPhones to bring explosive features to the market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563sa3/recent_studies_have_shown_that_apple_is_trailing/
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I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed.

If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563r8f/im_so_sick_of_people_looking_at_me_funny_because/
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Two guys sitting around talking about sex one night...

one says to the other - "I've been married for 20 years and you know, I'm just tired of it, every night... its the same thing... same hole"
His buddy asks him "have you ever thought of.... you know.. flipping her over?"
First guys says "What... and have all those kids running around?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563qf1/two_guys_sitting_around_talking_about_sex_one/
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Why were the 2 in love melons upset?

Because they cantaloupe.
(The wife thought of this one... hopefully nobody else has posted it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563q7n/why_were_the_2_in_love_melons_upset/
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Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563ogm/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_constipated/
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I made a username called "My Dick" on a website.

The website said that it wasn't long enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563nc6/i_made_a_username_called_my_dick_on_a_website/
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There's no easy way to say this...

FJdnfiouadp, djfpiocu aneouidf, acnslikfiucukuokjpqukd. Diuoiufpqknddiolololdiodoodlioaidoiucnbnzquznd. Qudfiout'z'ndfjoikcugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563lz4/theres_no_easy_way_to_say_this/
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Lock an astronomer in a basement...

and they'll go star craving mad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563lay/lock_an_astronomer_in_a_basement/
%
Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563l3w/did_you_hear_about_those_new_corduroy_pillows/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest will blow you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563hx2/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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Quasimodo's had it.

Sixty years climbing the steps.  Sixty years ringing the bell.  He's ready to retire, get a little house in the country for him and the little lady.  Puts an ad on Craigslist "Bell ringer wanted.  Inquire Quasimodo, Notre Dame."
Next day, there's a knock at the door.  Quasi opens it, looks out, there's no one there.  Then he hears a voice coming from somewhere down around his knees:
"Excuse me, sir.  Are you Mr. Quasimodo?"
Quasimodo looks down, there's a guy with no arms and no legs.  "Yes, I'm  Quasimodo.  What do you want?"
The legless, armless guy says "Ever since I was a boy, I've wanted to be the bell ringer for Notre Dame.  My life has been miserable, but if I could just get this job, I would be the happiest person in all of France."
Quasimodo looks at him with shock "Well, I don't see how that's possible.  It's two hundred flights of stairs up to the top of the bell tower, there's a very long rope attached to the bell, and the bell itself weighs 400 pounds.  I don't mean to be rude, but you have no arms or legs!"
The guys looks up at him with tears in his eyes.  "You don't understand.  This has always been my dream.  My wife is ill.  I have seven children.  I *must* do this!"
Quasimodo feels remorseful.  He gestures toward the stairs and the guy rolls past him.  Using his chin and nose, he begins to climb the stairs.  Two hours later, they reach the bell tower.  The guy lens back and begins rolling furiously toward the rope.  At the very last second, he flexes his waist, bounces over the crevasse, and grabs the rope in his teeth and begins swaying back and forth over the chasm on the rope.  With an amazing manipulation of his teeth and jaw, he begins climbing up the rope until his head is inside the mighty bell.  Still gripping the rope in his teeth, he begins a swaying motion, slowly building momentum.  He hurtles forward and slams into the bell with his head.
*Bong!*, and swinging back to the other side, *Bong!*.  Then again, back to the other side.  *Bong!*.  Then on the fourth *Bong!*, the man loses his grip on the rope, goes flying out of the belfry, and plummets to the pavement hundreds of feet below.
Quasi is stunned!  He races down the two hundred flights of stairs and rushes out into the plaza where dozens of people have gathered.  He elbows his way through the crowd and finally arrives at the center of the circle of humanity.  A gendarme turns to him, gestures at the lifeless, limbless pulp at their feet, and asks...
"Do you know this man?"
"Not really.  But his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563hmj/quasimodos_had_it/
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The first time I got a universal remote control...

I thought to myself, "This changes everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563g0i/the_first_time_i_got_a_universal_remote_control/
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Have you seen that new movie *Constipated*?

Oh, wait...it hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563fjv/have_you_seen_that_new_movie_constipated/
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Where did Sally go during the bombing?

Everywhere
**Knock Knock**
Who's there?
Not Sally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/563cut/where_did_sally_go_during_the_bombing/
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People tell me that I'm condescending

That means I talk down to people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5638p6/people_tell_me_that_im_condescending/
%
What do you call a communist dog?

Karl Barx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5635vz/what_do_you_call_a_communist_dog/
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What's the difference between apple juice and apple cider?

Your sister doesn't care if you cum in juice but she won't let you cum in cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5633gz/whats_the_difference_between_apple_juice_and/
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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin make phone calls

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5630n2/george_bush_queen_elizabeth_and_vladimir_putin/
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My mom woke up early every morning to cut the crusts off my sandwiches for lunch at school.

She knew the crusts were my favorite part. She hated me so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/562xfa/my_mom_woke_up_early_every_morning_to_cut_the/
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Redneck Birth Control

A redneck in the deep south calls a number he found on a flyer for cheap home vasectomies.
A man on the other side of the line informs him that the procedure is very simple. So simple in fact he can do it on his own.
All he needs is a beer can, a cherry bomb (little firecracker) and to count to 10 whilst standing in the garden.
So the redneck empties the can, lights the cherry bomb and drops it in.
Holding the can in his left hand he starts counting on his fingers.
And then placing the can between his thighs he continues to count on the other hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/562wa5/redneck_birth_control/
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How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. They're an efficient people, but not very funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/562w6b/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Don't Fall Asleep in Church

A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all there is in six days and rested on the seventh?"
She poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "GOD!!"
The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to, "And who died on the cross to save us from our sins," the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, "JESUS!!"
The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, "And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "IF YOU STICK THAT DAMN THING IN ME AGAIN, I'LL BREAK IT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/562r85/dont_fall_asleep_in_church/
%
Have you ever heard of the similarities between a choo choo tran and a brthday?

Neither have i

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/562r40/have_you_ever_heard_of_the_similarities_between_a/
%
I didn't believe it when they told me the government had accidentally opened a portal to another dimension while trying to spy on the Russians...

But I guess stranger things have happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/562qxz/i_didnt_believe_it_when_they_told_me_the/
%
Moses and Jesus decide to play golf.

First hole is a par 4, fairly straight but there's a pond that stretches from the front of the tee to a spot about 200 yards down the fairway.  Jesus pulls a 4-iron out of his bag and steps up to the tee.
Moses can't believe it.  "A 4-iron?  Are you nuts?  You can't clear the water with that!"
Jesus waves him off "Chill.  Arnold Palmer has done it a hundred times."  He tees off and the ball goes 175 yards; right into the pond.  Moses sighs, parts the water, and Jesus walks out to pick up the ball.  He gets back and tees up again with the 4-iron.
"Look." Moses says "I told you once already; for you, this is a 5-wood *at best*."
"Nonsense!  I've *seen* Arnold Palmer do it."  He takes his swing and four seconds later, ball meets water again.
Once more the same routine.  Moses sighs, parts water, Jesus gets ball and tees up.  Moses tells him not to use the 4-iron again.  Jesus says how he was once *with* Arnold Palmer when he did it.  Moses says he's not parting the water a 3rd time.  Jesus shrugs and swings.  Once more, the ball lands in the water.
Moses says "You're on you're own now, bro".
Jesus, a little sheepish, walks over to the edge of the pond, then directly onto the water itself.  As he strides across the pond, another foursome comes up to the tee.
One of the golfers says to his partner "Who's that guy think he is; Jesus Christ?"
"No," says Moses "Arnold Palmer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/562k3x/moses_and_jesus_decide_to_play_golf/
%
I told my friend that I grew up Catholic. She asked if I had ever been molested.

I'm still pretty butt hurt about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/562jjk/i_told_my_friend_that_i_grew_up_catholic_she/
%
Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition...

...and discovered that he'd gravely misunderstood the objective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/562j7x/dr_frankenstein_entered_a_bodybuilding_competition/
%
Here's to the stork that brings good babies, the raven that brings bad babies...

And the swallow that brings no babies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/562iw3/heres_to_the_stork_that_brings_good_babies_the/
%
I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/562hdp/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
%
Everyone hates Mondays and Tuesdays

Even the weekdays go WTF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/562h3a/everyone_hates_mondays_and_tuesdays/
%
A Jew gets robbed

The thief points a gun threateningly at the Jew, "Your money or your life!"
The Jew stops in his tracks and does nothing.
The thief waves the gun. "I said, your money or your life!!!!"
The Jew says, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5628zi/a_jew_gets_robbed/
%
If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?

November thirst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56246y/if_you_eat_too_many_salted_pretzels_on_halloween/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on Mars??

Great food, horrible atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/561z7z/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_mars/
%
I feel like my rear end turns into Billy Mayes whenever I get diarrhea...

"Butt wait, there's more!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/561x4g/i_feel_like_my_rear_end_turns_into_billy_mayes/
%
My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records

until the librarian told me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/561wun/my_penis_used_to_be_in_the_guinness_book_of_world/
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A woman goes into labor at the hospital

The husband asks if there is anything he can do to help ease the process for his wife.
The doctor says "there is an experimental process that allows the father to endure various levels of the pain of childbirth.  It's new and untested, but it's all you can do."
"I'll do it.  Anything to help," the husband replies.
So the wife is in labor and the doctors test the waters by only allowing the husband to handle 10% of the pain.
"Do you feel anything?  Pain?  Discomfort?" The doctor asks.
"No, I feel great," the husband answers. "Turn it up more."
The doctor increases the amount to 20%, then 30% and 50%.
"Doc I'm not feeling a thing!  Turn it all the way up!"
the doctor sets it at maximum, and the child is born with no pain to the wife or husband, and they're able to walk out the next morning.
It was when they arrived at home that they found the milkman dead on their doorstep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/561otm/a_woman_goes_into_labor_at_the_hospital/
%
If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.
Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/561llq/if_i_were_a_farmer_how_would_i_measure_my_height/
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Doctor after 911

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn�t you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn�t have an eleven." (Actually a true story)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/561kre/doctor_after_911/
%
Say the punchline first

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/561kaq/say_the_punchline_first/
%
When I die I want my group project members to lower me into my grave

so they can let me down one last time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/561edy/when_i_die_i_want_my_group_project_members_to/
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*Reversing my car*

Ahh, this takes me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/561dkf/reversing_my_car/
%
Blonde's Appendicitis

A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56194c/blondes_appendicitis/
%
A married man's prayer;

Dear God, you gave me childhood, you took it away
You gave me youth, you took it away.
You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now...
Just reminding you......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5617tr/a_married_mans_prayer/
%
It's never worth getting into an argument about creationist Adam & Eve versus evolution

You're just comparing apples and origins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56141h/its_never_worth_getting_into_an_argument_about/
%
How Do Rednecks Celebrate Halloween?

They Pump Kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5612hc/how_do_rednecks_celebrate_halloween/
%
Why does Oedipus hate profanity?

He kisses his mother with that mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56104e/why_does_oedipus_hate_profanity/
%
Why did Jesus have a six pack?

It was from all the cross-training...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/560y6l/why_did_jesus_have_a_six_pack/
%
Have you got a Masturbation addiction?

Message me, and we can beat it together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/560y5l/have_you_got_a_masturbation_addiction/
%
What's Michelle's favourite vegetable?

Barackoli
(I'm sorry I'll leave now...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/560wpd/whats_michelles_favourite_vegetable/
%
A repost walks into a bar



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/560whg/a_repost_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What’s the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/560w0h/whats_the_difference_between_a_terrorist_and_a/
%
5 out of 6 people would recommend it...

5 out of 6 people who played Russian roulette, would recommend it to others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/560tl5/5_out_of_6_people_would_recommend_it/
%
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/560sxc/why_did_beethoven_get_rid_of_his_chickens/
%
I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come...

Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/560o72/i_remember_as_a_child_lying_in_bed_waiting_for/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with large tits?

One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/560l6y/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods at night...

"Golly! It sure is dark and scary out here!" the little boy says.
The clown replies, "You think *you're* scared! I'm the one who has to walk home all by myself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/560hzw/a_clown_and_a_little_boy_are_walking_through_the/
%
My cousin couldn't pay the church for her exorcism

So they repossessed her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/560ftk/my_cousin_couldnt_pay_the_church_for_her_exorcism/
%
Asian drivers are so bad

that some speculate that Pearl Harbor might have been an accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/560c4q/asian_drivers_are_so_bad/
%
I was on this plane once...

Captain sets for take off and we are 35000 feet in the air, the captain then sets his mic down but forgets to turn it off.
The captain turns to the co-pilot and says "all I could use right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee".
The stewardess starts running from the back of the plane to tell the captain he still has his mic on.
A guy in the back of the plane screams out "hey hun, don't forget the coffee!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/560974/i_was_on_this_plane_once/
%
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniac

[Wat](http://m.imgur.com/mSC9hv0)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56095e/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniac/
%
What is the creepiest letter of the alphabet?

V. Because no matter where you are, any time of any day, no matter what you do, V always follows U.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/56089u/what_is_the_creepiest_letter_of_the_alphabet/
%
I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy.

So i'm forced to sit down when i pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5605q4/i_hurt_my_shoulder_and_doctor_told_me_i_shouldnt/
%
What do you call a Jewish Pokémon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/560477/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokémon_trainer/
%
How are Harambe and the iPhone the same?

it only took one extra hole to kill them both

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5600u4/how_are_harambe_and_the_iphone_the_same/
%
Relevant advice.

Remember everyone, if you're attacked by a group of clowns. Go right for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55zyl0/relevant_advice/
%
With all this media coverage about the clowns...

I'll be so glad when the election is over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55zx8w/with_all_this_media_coverage_about_the_clowns/
%
Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven.

Before they go in, St. Peter tells them that there's only one room left in heaven at the moment and only the most miserable death will be granted access.
So he asks the first man how he died and the first man says, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 10th floor apartment, she was lying naked in bed like she had just been having sex. So I checked under the bed and there was no one there. I checked in the closet and there was no one there, so I looked on the balcony and there was some guy hanging from the railing. I got so angry I beat his hands until he fell - but even after 10 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. Then I ran back in the apartment, grabbed the refridgerator, brought it back out, and dropped over the railing right on top of him. Then I was so mad I had a heart attack and died and came here."
St. Peter said, "It sounds like you've had it rough" Then, the next man walks up and says,"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 11th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved. Then this guy starts pounding on my hands until I let go. But again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Finally he goes and dumps this refrigerator on me and I wound up here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
Then the third guy comes up and is also asked the question. This guy replies, "I WAS IN THE REFRIGERATOR"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55zwwx/three_dead_guys_are_in_line_waiting_to_get_into/
%
Remember, flies transmit diseases

So keep yours up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55zstv/remember_flies_transmit_diseases/
%
The Whistler.

One day in a well known university, a senior professor started his class on a very serious topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the whistler's name ............. As usual and as expected no one answered.
The professor peacefully kept the pen in his pocket and picked up his bag. Saying that, the lecture ends here and that was enough for the day, he started moving towards the gate of the class ........... Students were overjoyed to be free.
Then, he suddenly stopped and turned towards the class, kept his bag on the table and said, "I'll tell you a story to utilise the remaining time". Everyone became interested.
Yesterday night I tried hard to sleep, but it was miles away from my eyes, so I thought I'd better get petrol in my car, which will save my time next morning and might induce sleep. After having my tank full, I started roaming in that area, enjoying the peace of a traffic free ride.
Suddenly, on the corner I saw a girl who was as young and beautiful as the clothes she was wearing. Must have been returning from a party. Out of courtesy, I turned my car towards her and asked if I may be of any help. She asked me if I could drop her to her home, she'll be very obliged, to which I agreed.
(Who would deny a beautiful young company instead of a dry non sleepy need)
She sat in the front seat with me. We started talking, and to my amazement she was very intelligent, had control on many topics which many youngsters don't.
When we reached her address, she admitted my courteous nature and behavior and accepted that she had fallen in love with me.
I also admitted her intelligence and beauty and that I've also started liking her. I told her about my job as a professor in the university.
The girl asked my number, which I gave her willingly. Then she asked me a favor, to which i couldn't have denied naturally.
She said that her brother is a student in the same university, and asked me to take care of him, since we'll be in a long relationship now.
I asked the name of the student.She said that I'll recognise him with one of his very prominent quality.
He whistles a lot.
The moment the professor said this, all eyes in the classroom turned towards the boy who had whistled.
Edit : removed the ending as requested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55zr1v/the_whistler/
%
My recent letter from the BBC read...

"Thanks for entering your wife into our new quiz show.
However, we feel you may have misread the title?
The show is actually called "Fact Hunt"
Credit @ShitJokes via Twitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55zqpl/my_recent_letter_from_the_bbc_read/
%
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant.

But then I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55zp56/i_wasnt_originally_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
%
You can say what you want about pedophiles

...but at least they drive slowly around schools and playgrounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55zm6f/you_can_say_what_you_want_about_pedophiles/
%
A man meets his friend who has started wearing earrings...

A man meets his friend who has started wearing earrings.
He asks "Since when did u start wearing earrings?"
Friend says "ever since my wife
found them in my car!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55zgvt/a_man_meets_his_friend_who_has_started_wearing/
%
Dumb Nirvana Joke

I was gonna tell a Dumb Nirvana joke About a girl I knew named Polly that lived On a Plain. Her favorite drink was Pennyroyal tea with crackers and Mexican Seafood, she had a sliver in her finger and once had an Aneurysm at School but Nevermind that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55zeb0/dumb_nirvana_joke/
%
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."

And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55z98g/im_a_little_upset_folks_last_night_i_went_to_this/
%
As a white man I can't say the word Ni....

But I can say "thank you for the warning officer.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55z959/as_a_white_man_i_cant_say_the_word_ni/
%
I saw a homeless guy in town shouting about a lot of random stuff...

It was a vague rant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55z670/i_saw_a_homeless_guy_in_town_shouting_about_a_lot/
%
A couple finds a wounded skunk on the road. 'Where do I put it?' the lady asks...

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, “Look, it’s shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?”
He says, “Put it between your legs.”
She says, “What about the smell?”
He says, “Hold its nose.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55z4yn/a_couple_finds_a_wounded_skunk_on_the_road_where/
%
The Greeks always felt that you and your soul mate were one body...

That takes go fuck yourself to a whole new level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55z4il/the_greeks_always_felt_that_you_and_your_soul/
%
Lottery

A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55z3pk/lottery/
%
Im not sure who named the Gregorian calender ,probably some guy called Greg.

Or Ian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55z376/im_not_sure_who_named_the_gregorian_calender/
%
I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am.

"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55z2sc/im_black_so_i_cant_be_racist_but_these_suckers/
%
What do you call a nun that is going for a walk?

A roamin catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55z2o1/what_do_you_call_a_nun_that_is_going_for_a_walk/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Him?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55z16f/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
So Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...

Just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55z002/so_stephen_hawking_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants

The barman says "excuse me mate, but did you know that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The man replies "Know it, it's been driving me nuts all day"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yxol/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
%
Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yv9n/did_you_know_you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by/
%
What's the difference between a good joke and

A bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yv3b/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
%
My wife heard it's seductive to bite her lip...

I don't have the heart to tell her it's meant to be the bottom one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yuk8/my_wife_heard_its_seductive_to_bite_her_lip/
%
A British man enters customs at an Australian airport.

The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yucg/a_british_man_enters_customs_at_an_australian/
%
What is good about being Swiss?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ys63/what_is_good_about_being_swiss/
%
A man hands his friend a menu for his new whore house

" I just started a new business, opened myself a whorehouse... here's the menu if your interested"
The friend takes the menu and reads through it
"Well, it sounds like a good idea and the services are quite cheap...but i do have a question. Blow jobs cost $20 and anal is $40... but how much is normal vaginal? I don't see it on here"
" Yeah, i just started this business, and right now im the only one working "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yr7x/a_man_hands_his_friend_a_menu_for_his_new_whore/
%
What's the difference between babies and boomerangs?

If you throw a boomerang correctly, it will come back...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yoam/whats_the_difference_between_babies_and_boomerangs/
%
A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car

, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"
"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.
"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yny2/a_lawyer_had_just_bought_a_fancy_new_car/
%
In the back woods of Kentucky,

the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ynvy/in_the_back_woods_of_kentucky/
%
A man and his Giraffe walk into a bar

So a man and a Giraffe walk into a bar, they stroll up to the bar and order a few drinks. Now after about an hour the Giraffe who has had far too much passes out, the man seeing this pays his tab and gets up to leave and the bar tender shouts: "Oi! You can't leave that lyin' there!" To which the man replys:
"That's not a Lion it's a Giraffe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ymg3/a_man_and_his_giraffe_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What has four legs and goes 'Boo'?

A cow with a cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yirv/what_has_four_legs_and_goes_boo/
%
A man was driving along a dirt road when he noticed a chicken on the side of the road...

but on closer inspection he noticed the chicken had four legs.
'Four legs?!' He thought, I'd better get closer to get a photo. So he drives up after the chicken, who starts running away from the man. The man accelerates to catch up, but the chicken just powers ahead - that motherclucker was using all fours.
Finally, the chicken turns a corner into the paddock of a farm. The man concedes that he'll never catch the chicken, but pulls into the road because by this stage he's super curious about this four-legged chicken. He drives up to a farmer on the land.
He asks the farmer, 'what's the deal with this four-legged chicken?!' To which the farmer responds, 'oh, pretty neat huh. I worked out how to breed them with four legs so as to get more drumsticks out of them!'
'Wow!' Replied the man, 'how do they taste?!'
The farmer responded, 'Dunno, never caught one'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yi56/a_man_was_driving_along_a_dirt_road_when_he/
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What do Boobs and Lego have in common?

Both are intended for children, but it's the Dads who end up playing with them most.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yhup/what_do_boobs_and_lego_have_in_common/
%
I'd tell you a chemistry joke

but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ygq3/id_tell_you_a_chemistry_joke/
%
How did I escape Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ygo7/how_did_i_escape_iraq/
%
Google: We know people like jacks, so on our new Pixel phone...

We jacked up the price.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yg9q/google_we_know_people_like_jacks_so_on_our_new/
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I never could figure out what people did for entertainment before the Internet...

None of my 17 siblings can figure it out either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yg7j/i_never_could_figure_out_what_people_did_for/
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My brother bought me a dictionary for my birthday.

"Why did you get me this?" I asked.
He said, "Because you are stupid."
I bought him a dildo for his birthday.
"Why did you get me this?" he asked.
I said, "Because you are a cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yfkc/my_brother_bought_me_a_dictionary_for_my_birthday/
%
What do you call a Mustard Competition?

A Compe*Dijon*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ydto/what_do_you_call_a_mustard_competition/
%
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out:

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."  He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yb0y/a_wife_got_so_mad_at_her_husband_she_packed_his/
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What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55yavt/what_do_you_get_if_you_drop_a_piano_on_an_army/
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How do you trigger an Android fanboy?

Sent from my iPhone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55y9n8/how_do_you_trigger_an_android_fanboy/
%
Murderous Neighbor

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55y92b/murderous_neighbor/
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Did you hear about the woman who died in an Italian restaurant?

She pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55y8fp/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_died_in_an/
%
Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55y7b3/boy_scout_sir_i_found_a_snake_is_it_poisonous/
%
What website are the germans least likely to laugh at?

Neingag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55y5wg/what_website_are_the_germans_least_likely_to/
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Brainless Lawyers

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55y4lv/brainless_lawyers/
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God's First Name

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter is standing at the gate. He says, "If you can answer these three questions I will let you in to heaven. First, how many seconds are in a year? Second, how many days of the week have a 'T' in them? Third, what is God's first name? You have until tomorow to answer these questions." The guy comes back the next day, St. Peter asks the first question and the guy says, "Twelve." "Twelve?" says St. Peter, "how did you get that?" The man replied, "January 2nd, February 2nd and so on." Peter thinks it over and says, "Well that is not exactly what I meant, but it's technically corect, so I will give you credit." Then St. Peter asks the second question and the guy answers, "Two." St. Peter asks how he got that answer and the man explains, "Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter again admit that wasn't what he had in mind, but he'll accept that. Peter then asked the third question -- God's first name. The man says, "Howard. " St. Peter, really perplexed, inquires how the guy got that and the man says, "You know -- it's in the prayer: ‘Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...’"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55y3cg/gods_first_name/
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What's the difference...

A kid asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"
His dad takes him to the parent's room where his mother is sleeping, lifts up her skirt and says "That's a pussy son."
"Cool." says the kid. "Can I touch it?"
"No son, you'll wake the cunt up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55y2zg/whats_the_difference/
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My friend just fucked his 14 year old escort.

So, does anyone here know how to fix a 2002 Ford? It's pretty messed up from the event.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xzsg/my_friend_just_fucked_his_14_year_old_escort/
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A boy was born of an Indian , Irish , Chinese and an Italian Grandmother

They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!
They named him Ravi O. Lee
i'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xzh2/a_boy_was_born_of_an_indian_irish_chinese_and_an/
%
LPT: if you are lost in japan, ask for soy sauce

...it will shoyu the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xzbq/lpt_if_you_are_lost_in_japan_ask_for_soy_sauce/
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Two Italian Men Get on a bus.....

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xy8u/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
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A jewish man's wife dies

So he decides to place an obituary in the newspaper, and phones their agent.
"Just put 'Sarah died' in the paper."
"But Sir, for the same money of only one line, you can add another four words!"
"Oh. Let me think about that.."
He phones back a few minutes later and says
"Put in the paper: 'Sarah died. Toyota Corolla for sale' .."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xwic/a_jewish_mans_wife_dies/
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what do you call a mexican on the moon ?

an Astronaut you Racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xw1s/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_on_the_moon/
%
Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xw0g/anton_do_you_think_im_a_bad_mother/
%
How can you tell if a pedophile is Jewish?

"Hey little kid!  Want to buy some candy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xuhi/how_can_you_tell_if_a_pedophile_is_jewish/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xqio/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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Meeting the Irish Mother

A young Irish lad takes the girl he loves to meet his family.
The matriarch of the family asks the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?"
The girl hesitantly says, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."
Immediately, the lad's mother faints. After regaining consciousness, she asks again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly. What is your occupation?"
Again the girl says, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."
The mother laughs, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought you said you were a Protestant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xosu/meeting_the_irish_mother/
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Rest in Peace Billy Mays.

He partied like it was $19.95.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xohx/rest_in_peace_billy_mays/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xkh3/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
A carpenter finds a genie in a lamp

The genie tells the man "I can only grant you one wish. What is it that you would like?"
The carpenter responds: "You know, carpentry is my passion. I would love to be able to talk to my tools. They are my friends, after all".
The genie makes it so.
Later, the carpenter is working on the frame of a house when he sees his hammer next to him. The carpenter says to the hammer, "Well, I can talk to my tools now. What would you like to say?"
The hammer replies, "I'm hammer"
"Yes, I know that" says the carpenter. "Is that it?"
"I'm hammer" says the hammer.
The carpenter is frustrated and turns to his trusty wrench. The carpenter says, "What about you? What can you say?"
"I'm wrench", says the wrench.
Now the carpenter is really frustrated. He asks his saw, ladder, tape measure, and screw driver the same questions, only to receive "I'm saw, I'm ladder, I'm tape measure, I'm screw driver".
The carpenter is starting to lose it and gives up for the day. He drives home, knowing that he may be able to forget his wish and relax in front of the television. He walks through the front door and heads to his computer to check his emails, when he comes across a  plank of wood sitting in front of his computer. Across further inspection, the carpenter sees that the plank is typing a very long joke into Reddit.
"What in the world is going on?!", exclaims the carpenter.
"I'm board"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xjii/a_carpenter_finds_a_genie_in_a_lamp/
%
My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records...

But then the librarian told me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xgs0/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
Jesus and Moses walking along the beach...

esus and Moses are walking along the beach when Moses says, "You know what? I'm going to try and part the ocean again." He throws his hands in the air and, magically, the ocean parts.
Jesus sees this and says, "I'm going to try to walk on water again." He walks up to the water, takes a step on top and sinks.
Moses says, "Try it again, Jesus. It's been a while." Jesus tries again, and once more, he sinks.
Jesus comes out of the water and says, "I know what the problem is. When I walked on water before, I didn't have holes in my feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xels/jesus_and_moses_walking_along_the_beach/
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Moses Meets Dubya

George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"
Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55xbn4/moses_meets_dubya/
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Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

So these two guys from Saskatoon decide to escape the cold weather in winter and take a vacation. They go to Australia.
Sitting in a bar down under, still wearing their touques and flannels they draw the attention of Aussies, so one gets up and approaches them.
"G'DAY mates, where you blokes from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan" one of them answers.
"Oh, alright. " replies the Aussie as he returns to his table.
"So where are they from mate?" His friend asks.
"Don't know, they don't speak English."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55x5w6/saskatoon_saskatchewan/
%
A vegetarian girl told me I looked familiar...

But I was certain that I hadn't met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55x5jd/a_vegetarian_girl_told_me_i_looked_familiar/
%
Mom's Affair

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Without her knowing, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet, where the little boy is also hiding. The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55x51t/moms_affair/
%
Mattel released a Muslim Barbie...

It's a blow-up doll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55x11a/mattel_released_a_muslim_barbie/
%
a salesman comes to a house and knock its door

a 10 years old boy opens the door drinking a scotch and smoking a cigar. The salesman asks, "Are your parents home?" The kid ashes his cigar and replies, "the fuck do you think?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wyp9/a_salesman_comes_to_a_house_and_knock_its_door/
%
A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

..and makes it all the way to the stadium.
He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.
After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:
"I don't know why you all don't think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing 'Jose, can you see?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wyns/a_mexican_man_sneaks_across_the_border_to_watch/
%
Why can't an Italian snake talk?

Because it doesn't have any hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wx2t/why_cant_an_italian_snake_talk/
%
A blonde goes out for a joy ride in the country..

As she's driving she looks over into the corn field and sees another blonde in a row boat trying to row across the field.
Infuriated she pulls over and yells to the blonde in the boat, "you know, it's dumb blondes like you who give us intelligent blondes a bad name! I'm half tempted to swim out there and kick your ass!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wwtl/a_blonde_goes_out_for_a_joy_ride_in_the_country/
%
Somebody finally complimented me on my parking today!

I got a note on my windshield that said "Parking Fine".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wws8/somebody_finally_complimented_me_on_my_parking/
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The Dead Cow Lecture!

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor".
"The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wwn8/the_dead_cow_lecture/
%
What is my girlfriend's favorite meal?

A dish called: "I don't know, you choose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wuik/what_is_my_girlfriends_favorite_meal/
%
What do you call a can after it completes college?

A graduated cylinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wu3m/what_do_you_call_a_can_after_it_completes_college/
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Heavenly Marital Help

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"
To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ws3h/heavenly_marital_help/
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A lot of women are turning into good drivers.

So, if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wrud/a_lot_of_women_are_turning_into_good_drivers/
%
Why was the Mexican bad at archery?

He didn't habanero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wrkc/why_was_the_mexican_bad_at_archery/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wo9o/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda-pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wlnn/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
%
What does having sex in a canoe and Coors Lite have in common?

They are both fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wkhc/what_does_having_sex_in_a_canoe_and_coors_lite/
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Gay Man in Church

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the offering basket is passed, he drops in a big wad of bills. When the basket gets back to the minister, he notices the wad of money and announces: "Someone here was very generous in the offering today. I would like to ask the person who gave this large amount of money to please stand." The gay man stood up. The minister continued, "Well, sir, we certainly do appreciate your generosity. And to show our appreciation, I'm going to let you select your three favorite hymns."
"Okay," the gay man replied, "I'll take him, him and him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wivt/gay_man_in_church/
%
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wi1i/an_amish_boy_and_his_father_were_visiting_a_mall/
%
Why didn't the parrot want the black guy to buy him?

Polly want a Cracker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55whq7/why_didnt_the_parrot_want_the_black_guy_to_buy_him/
%
Rihanna, Usher and Justin Bieber were walking over a bridge..........

Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.
Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fucks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Justin, "Your turn!"
Justin burst out into tears.
"Whats wrong?", asks Usher.
Justin sobs, "My head won't fit in the railings."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wha2/rihanna_usher_and_justin_bieber_were_walking_over/
%
Donald Trump's Clock

It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around.
St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."
The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. St. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock.
The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate.
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Donald Trump's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55weny/donald_trumps_clock/
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The surgeon and his class of trainees

A surgeon is taking a class of trainees to see a cadaver for the first time, He tells them that it's really important that they familiarize themselves with the corpse, so he says "Do exactly as I do."
He then sticks his finger into the dead guys anus , pulls it out and sucks on it.
Then he lines up the students and says "Now your turn."
Obediently, one by one, grimacing as they do, they all in turn, put their fingers in the guys ass and then suck on them.
Once they all complete the task, the surgeon says "It's also important that you learn to be observant. I put my ring finger in his ass and my index finger in my mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55wacb/the_surgeon_and_his_class_of_trainees/
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what do you call a big pile of kittens?

A meowtain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55w9c4/what_do_you_call_a_big_pile_of_kittens/
%
Why can't bicycles stand on their own?

They are two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55w8nz/why_cant_bicycles_stand_on_their_own/
%
I used to hate having athlete's foot...

...but it's growing on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55w85a/i_used_to_hate_having_athletes_foot/
%
You're meeting identical triplets tonight. One's from the Army, one's a lifestyle Vegan, and one is a diehard Trump supporter. How do you tell them apart?

Don't worry. They'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55w62w/youre_meeting_identical_triplets_tonight_ones/
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Ferns and Flowers

A famous British writer and wit is visiting Boston. Anxious to please him, his devotees trouble themselves to fill the hall where he will be speaking with his favorite flowers. However, the florist screws up the order and delivers sixty large, albeit rather fine and lush, potted ferns rather than the desired flowers. Chaos ensues. Hoping to restore calm the visiting wit ameliorates: "Ladies! Gentlemen! With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55w5m4/ferns_and_flowers/
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Three men are trekking across the desert... [Long]

Two of them are thirsty, but the last is holding an empty wine bottle, and is drunk af. Suddenly, a holy light shines down on them, and St. Peter appears.
"There's not a drop of water around for miles" he says. "But I have a task for each of you: if you complete them, you will be granted enough water to last a lifetime."
The men, nearly dying of thirst, hastily agree. "Good," says St. Peter, "The first task is to sexually satisfy this woman;" and a hundred year old lady appears before their their eyes. "The second, is to pull this key out of this jar;" and a metre tall jar appears, with rose bushes growing around every inch of it. "And lastly, you must defeat this giant scorpion." A scorpion the size of a house magically appears.
The sober men, not being idiots, chose the woman and the key. The drunk man bravely faced the scorpion.
After about 15-20 minutes, the two sober men are resting in the sand, both slightly regretting their choices, but happy they didn't face the scorpion. A few minutes later, the drunk man comes back, and is looking really upbeat.
"Wow!" Says one of the sober men, "Was the scorpion that easy?"
"Ah, he was nothing!" Said the drunk man. "Anyway, how'd you make out with killing the old lady?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55w45f/three_men_are_trekking_across_the_desert_long/
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God's race

One day a black kid and a white kid were debating whether god was black or white. Their debate was turning heated when suddenly the heavens opened and a booming voice and God said "I am what I am!"
Upon hearing this, the black kid gave up his argument and agreed that God is white. The white kid was puzzled and asked the black kid why he changed his mind. The black kid said, "God just said 'I am what I am' if he was black he would've said 'I is what I is'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55vzvm/gods_race/
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Q: What does it mean if a guy remembers the color of a woman's eyes after a first date?

A: She has small tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55vxr9/q_what_does_it_mean_if_a_guy_remembers_the_color/
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Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55vx4y/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_view_mirrors/
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Smart robot

One time Dave told his friend Bob that he had pain in his arm. Being a helpful guy, Bob tells him there's a new robot in a store down the road that, if you pour your urine into it and insert a dollar bill, it will diagnose any illness that you may have. Hardly believing what he was told, Dave pees into the cup and goes to the store to check it out for himself. Sure enough, there was this robot all new and shiny. So he inserts a dollar bill, and pours his urine into a special receptacle. The robot starts beeping, and seconds later prints out a piece of paper that reads.
"You have a simple sprain. Put a cold compress on your arm and avoid heavy lifting, and your arm will get better in a week"
Dave is amazed at how advanced technology has become, and immediately starts thinking about ways to beat the robot. When he gets home, he shares the news with his wife and daughter and asks them to pee into the cup, to which they happily oblige. He then walks over to the kitty litter box, picks up the poop and places it into the cup with the urine. He then mixes the concoction with tap water and for good measure, beats one off right into the cup.
The next day he returns to the store, inserts a dollar bill, and pours his entire concoction into the receptacle. After the customary beeps, the robot prints out an even longer piece of paper. It reads:
"1.Your tap water has too much iron. Buy a filter.
2.Your cat has worms. Take it to a vet.
3.Your daughter shoots up heroin. Take her to rehab ASAP.
4.Your wife is pregnant, and you're not the father. Get a good lawyer.
5.And lastly, if you don't stop jerking off, your arm will never get better"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55vwzo/smart_robot/
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How do you make a Chinese man no longer Asian?

Just spin him around in circles until he's disoriented

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55vpgg/how_do_you_make_a_chinese_man_no_longer_asian/
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How come you never see black people on ships?

They aint falling for that shit again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55vpap/how_come_you_never_see_black_people_on_ships/
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What do call a bad haircut you got from a Native American?

A-patchy scalping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55vmus/what_do_call_a_bad_haircut_you_got_from_a_native/
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As a programmer, I had a shit day

I spilled Java all over my paper, found a Python in my backpack, and to top it all off, I got a C++ on my final exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55vmkx/as_a_programmer_i_had_a_shit_day/
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I farted in an Apple Store today and got thrown out because of it

Not my fault they don't have Windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55viv6/i_farted_in_an_apple_store_today_and_got_thrown/
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A skelington walks into a bar

orders a beer and a mop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55vhrk/a_skelington_walks_into_a_bar/
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A good joke to share at party's or with your friends..

Three men were told they only have a couple weeks to live. They realise that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records.
The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!"
The second guy says, "I have a big chest, maybe I have the biggest chest in the world!"
The third guys says, "I have a small dick, maybe I have the smallest dick in the world!"
So they each submit their applications to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters. A week later, the book is published, and they all gather around to see the results.
The first guy opens the book and says, "Hey look! I have the longest arms in the world!"
The second guy looks and says "Wow! I can't believe I have the biggest chest in the world!"
And the third guys looks and says, "Who the fuck is [Insert a friend's name here]!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55vfm5/a_good_joke_to_share_at_partys_or_with_your/
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What did the penis say to the condom???

Cover me, I'm going in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55veuf/what_did_the_penis_say_to_the_condom/
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Why didn't the Mexican go bow hunting?

Because he didn't habanero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55vdgt/why_didnt_the_mexican_go_bow_hunting/
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A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55vcip/a_man_was_caught_by_a_cop_with_drugs_in_the/
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In medical school...

Professor: Miss Rogers, what part of the male anatomy may enlarge by a factor of 10 when the male is excited?
Rogers: (Blushing) I... refuse to answer...
Professor: Mr. Smith?
Smith: The iris.
Professor: (coughs) Miss Rogers I can conclude three things. 1. You didn't do the reading last night. 2. Your mind is not where it's supposed to be. 3. You will be disappointed with married life.
(Disclaimer: May not be completely anatomically correct).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55vbjo/in_medical_school/
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Why do elephants have 4 feet?

Because in the animal kingdom 6 inches just wont do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55va1i/why_do_elephants_have_4_feet/
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Why did the musician get fired

Because he couldn't fix a minor problem that ended with major consequences and got himself in treble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55v8qc/why_did_the_musician_get_fired/
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Bouncing Baby Boy Balls

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."
''Why?' asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55v7xg/bouncing_baby_boy_balls/
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What's the difference between my 83-year old grandfather and /r/Jokes?

My grandfather doesn't have Alzheimers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55v6m6/whats_the_difference_between_my_83year_old/
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Thats the smart girl

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one student rose to her feet. "Now then young lady, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55v6d1/thats_the_smart_girl/
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55v29g/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
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No Backseat Blonde

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55uy3x/no_backseat_blonde/
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Sitting down at my work desk, all my files are gone...

... and I'm asking myself : Who let the .docx out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55uv3e/sitting_down_at_my_work_desk_all_my_files_are_gone/
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Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55uuu8/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55uram/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
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My ex just called me, sobbing on the phone to tell me she has AIDS and I should get checked.

The hardest part is acting surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ur4x/my_ex_just_called_me_sobbing_on_the_phone_to_tell/
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I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."
"No it's not that," she exclaimed,
"It's just the plumbers that come to our house have really small dicks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55um9k/i_was_watching_porn_with_my_girlfriend_and_she/
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My wife thinks that I’m too nosy...

At least that’s what she keeps scribbling in her diary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ujh8/my_wife_thinks_that_im_too_nosy/
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As a burglar breaks into a house, he hears a voice say "Jesus can see you"

A burglar breaks into a house and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept. Then he hears a voice say, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”
He freezes in his tracks! He doesn’t move a muscle! A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”
He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on, and looks around the room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. “Did you say that?” he asks the parrot.
The parrot says again, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”
“Hah! So what? You’re just a parrot!” says the burglar.
“I may be just a parrot,” replies the parrot. “But Jesus is a Doberman!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55uiur/as_a_burglar_breaks_into_a_house_he_hears_a_voice/
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The only clowns I'm afraid of...

Are the ones running for president

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55uhpn/the_only_clowns_im_afraid_of/
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Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?

He came in with buns glazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ugvb/did_you_hear_about_the_baker_who_robbed_a_bank/
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My career as a karate instructor finally came to an end.

The parents found out I wasn't qualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ufku/my_career_as_a_karate_instructor_finally_came_to/
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My mom asked me to buy some snails.

It's friday evening. And my mom asks me if i want to eat snails at a restaurant. I tell her i feel like eating home. Ah oke then, I'll make snails for dinner if you get them for me at the market. Oke, sure. Quickly I walk to the market to buy some snails. So i buy the snails, and put them in my breast pocket. While walking home i see my friend sitting in a pub. He sees me and waves. Oke 1 beer then, before i go home.
At 4 AM I am walking home drunk as hell. In front of my house door I trip, and all the snails fall out my breastpocket. At that moment my mom opens the door and yells, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!".
So i quickly look down, and say "come on guys, almost there!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55u9uz/my_mom_asked_me_to_buy_some_snails/
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How do they package bread at the bakery?

They baguette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55u7o5/how_do_they_package_bread_at_the_bakery/
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"Mommy, Mommy! I'm tired of walking around in a circle!"

"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55u78t/mommy_mommy_im_tired_of_walking_around_in_a_circle/
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What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea

Plaguegiarism
Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55u6fh/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_zombie_steals_an_idea/
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Today is the only day out of the year

I wouldn't mind if people asked me the date just so I can respond with "10/4 buddy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55u62i/today_is_the_only_day_out_of_the_year/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55u613/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the party?

I told her that drinks were on the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55u41k/why_did_the_blonde_bring_a_ladder_to_the_party/
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There's a party in the garden

so lettuce turnip the beet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55u3xg/theres_a_party_in_the_garden/
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Your momma so slutty...

...her spirit animal is the swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55u1z2/your_momma_so_slutty/
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To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55u0qx/to_teach_kids_about_democracy_i_let_them_vote_on/
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Great news insomniacs!

Only 2 sleeps 'til Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55u0mn/great_news_insomniacs/
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Why couldn't the little mermaid get into college?

Her GPA was unda da C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55tx5m/why_couldnt_the_little_mermaid_get_into_college/
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An Irish guy walks out of a bar....

It could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55two1/an_irish_guy_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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A milkman knocks on a lady's door.

She yells, "Come on in, I'm in the bath."
He slowly peaks around the corner of the open bathroom door and she says , "I want to take a milk bath, fill 'er up.
He replies, "Alright, do you want it pasteurized?"
She says, "No, just up to my boobs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ts3z/a_milkman_knocks_on_a_ladys_door/
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A blonde, a brunette, and redhead went camping...

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55trl1/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_redhead_went_camping/
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You go to the ballet and you see girls dancing on their tiptoes.

Why don’t they just get taller girls?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55tox6/you_go_to_the_ballet_and_you_see_girls_dancing_on/
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I saw some things at the auction labeled “Art Objects"

Considering what they looked like, I’d object, too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55togj/i_saw_some_things_at_the_auction_labeled_art/
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Ants can carry twenty times their own body weight, which is a very useful information..

If you’re moving and you need help carrying a potato chip across town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55to6n/ants_can_carry_twenty_times_their_own_body_weight/
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A man was about to get married

There was only one problem: the bride's sister. She was always trying to be alone with him and seduce him.
The day before the wedding, she called him to ger house to get some things ready for the wedding. There she told him: "I love you. I want to have sex with you at least once before you marry my sister. I'll be waiting for you in my bedroom. Come in when you're ready."
He thought about it for a minute, and went outside and walked towards his car. There he met his soon-to-be father-in-law, who said:
"Congratulations, son, you passed our test. Now we know that you'll be a good husband, I'm glad my daughter is going to marry you."
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55tkla/a_man_was_about_to_get_married/
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My girlfriend said to me "as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you" and I said "let's make one thing absolutely clear..."

"My mother was never a young boy."
Tim Vine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55tkjc/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_as_a_young_boy_was_your/
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The director of EA walks into a bar

*Download the punchline for only 4.99*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55tk98/the_director_of_ea_walks_into_a_bar/
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My girlfriend just told me she has a STD...

I'm Gonorrhoea-valuate our relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55tid1/my_girlfriend_just_told_me_she_has_a_std/
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Why do dyslexics make bad joke tellers?

They tend to punch up the fuckline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55tesa/why_do_dyslexics_make_bad_joke_tellers/
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What do you do after an orgasm?

A boy's girlfriend, planning on having sex with him, asks him with a seductive smile, "What do you do after you have an orgasm?" The boy responds, "Well, generally, I clear my search history."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55te1n/what_do_you_do_after_an_orgasm/
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Married sex is a lot like Prison sex...

The sex you're wanting, you're not getting. And the sex you're getting, you're not wanting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55tcy2/married_sex_is_a_lot_like_prison_sex/
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"Ninja kills Mime"

Nobody heard about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55t91w/ninja_kills_mime/
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Why was the guitarist arrested?

Because he was fingering A minor...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55t81d/why_was_the_guitarist_arrested/
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Epic joke of nuns, i cant stop laughing really

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had sex with a guy." The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, "I got in a fight with another nun." So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did! The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55t2i8/epic_joke_of_nuns_i_cant_stop_laughing_really/
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Donald Trump and Barrak Obama end up in the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
EDIT : damn I didn't think this would get so much attention, and yes I am very well aware that I spelled  OhBummer's name incorrectly. AND THANKS FOR THE GOLD KIND STRANGER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55t2e8/donald_trump_and_barrak_obama_end_up_in_the_same/
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I knew someone who was frozen to absolute Zero once...

He was 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55t295/i_knew_someone_who_was_frozen_to_absolute_zero/
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You know what's really dumb?

Directions on toilet paper.
What’s dumber than that?
Reading them.
Even dumber?
Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something you’ve been doing wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55t20l/you_know_whats_really_dumb/
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My wife hates me for having sex with her sister

I got home the other day from work and my wife says "you fucking son of a bitch" and asked what I had done.
Wife: You had sex with my sister you asshole!
Me: Look honey I got into my office in work and there she was lying naked on the table, what should I have done?
Wife: The autopsy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55t1pj/my_wife_hates_me_for_having_sex_with_her_sister/
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What do you call a Mexican with small muscles?

No whey José.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55sz6n/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_small_muscles/
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What's that one room zombies can never enter?

the LIVING room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55sz1d/whats_that_one_room_zombies_can_never_enter/
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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00."

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands. I need a cheese sandwich and a chicken sandwich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55svo7/a_guy_walks_into_a_pub_and_sees_a_sign_hanging/
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Someone stole my mood ring.

I dont know how i feel about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55suf1/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
After sex last night...

...my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had".
Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55st5n/after_sex_last_night/
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New job at the farm

After having been laid off at the office, Dave lands a job at a farm on the outskirts of town. Early on the first day the farmer shows him around the place, explaining the tasks as they go. Lastly, they come by the house, where they meet the farmers two gorgeous daughters.
Dave and the farmer work all day in bad weather, and eventually some cows get stuck in the mud. The farmer tries to get up close, but also gets stuck in the mud and angrily orders Dave to get his tall boots from the farm.
So Dave goes back to the farm, and calls the daughters. He tells them their father likes him so much, he can bed them both. Dave also asks whether they would like to go simultaneously or separately. Of course the girls scoff at the gesture and ask for proof. Dave, being the reasonable guy that he is, walks through the front door and shouts at the farmer:
*BILL, YOU WANT ME TO TAKE JUST THE ONE, OR BOTH?!*
-*God... BOTH OF 'EM OF COURSE!!!*
___
I'm sorry if this joke has been posted before, my brother always likes to tell me this one. Also, translated from Dutch, so sorry if it's weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55sspd/new_job_at_the_farm/
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It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55srti/its_ww1_on_the_straits_of_gallipoli_the_soldiers/
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Why are Americans so bad at chess?

Because they don't have 2 towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55srjz/why_are_americans_so_bad_at_chess/
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench having a conversation.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... and the masochist says:
"Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55smiz/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
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The Irishman and the burning pub

Local firemen are called to put out a fire at a nearby pub.  Sure enough, when they arrive, the entire pub is up in flames.
They rush in to search for survivors and find an unconscious Irishman covered in soot.  They pull him from the pub and shake him awake.  "What happened?! How did the fire start?!" the fireman shouts.
The drunken Irishman replies casually, "I dunno.  It was already on fire when I arrived."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55sjku/the_irishman_and_the_burning_pub/
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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle...

... she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55sjht/when_jane_first_met_tarzan_in_the_jungle/
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It annoys me that Engineering students call themselves engineers..

You don’t hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55sgdi/it_annoys_me_that_engineering_students_call/
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Drunk Husband

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55sfb4/drunk_husband/
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Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind. I shouldn't spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55sf31/have_you_heard_the_rumor_going_around_about_butter/
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A lion will never cheat on his wife

But a Tiger Wood!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55segj/a_lion_will_never_cheat_on_his_wife/
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I know you can't compare apples to oranges...

...but two apples do make a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55s8pt/i_know_you_cant_compare_apples_to_oranges/
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55s8k3/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
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My professor called me into his office.

"Your essays are good", he said. "But you need to come up with more reliable sources for the quotes you use."
"But sir," I started, "a man once said 'It is not the speaker that defines the merits of the words, but the words themselves.'"
He sighed. "Who did? Who said that?"
"Dave69 on Pornhub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55s73m/my_professor_called_me_into_his_office/
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What about the kids?

A catholic school catches on fire and two priests first notice the flames & smoke.
"We gotta get outta here!" Says the first one.
"What about the kids?" Asks the second.
"Fuck the kids!" The first exclaims.
"But, do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55s6cs/what_about_the_kids/
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Growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now that I'm old, I've realised

I should have been more specific.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55s5t2/growing_up_i_always_wanted_to_be_someone_now_that/
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Did you ever hear about the man with a piano playing midget?

One day he walked into a bar and began to talk to the bartender. He reached into his bag and pulled out a little man, he reached back into his bag and pulled out a miniature Grand piano and Piano bench.
He set the little guy on the bar and he began to play heavenly music. The bartender was amazed! He said, "Where did you meet this little guy?"
The man said I have a genie lamp but she only grants 1 wish. You can have it if you want. So the bartender took the lamp. The two departed and didnt see each other for several months.
When the man returned to the bar he was confused because there were ducks everywhere! (Dead on the street, on the roof, everywhere for a mile) He walked into the bar and the bartender turns to him and says, "Your genie is a deaf piece of shit, I wished for a million bucks!"
The man replies, "I know, you think I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55s5e3/did_you_ever_hear_about_the_man_with_a_piano/
%
The Doctor made me walk again...

Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55s2j4/the_doctor_made_me_walk_again/
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I got kicked out of a store trying to buy condoms

All I wanted was to use their fitting room!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55s1cy/i_got_kicked_out_of_a_store_trying_to_buy_condoms/
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What's white and can't climb trees?

A Refrigerator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55s117/whats_white_and_cant_climb_trees/
%
A guy walks into a zoo. The only animal there was a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55s10q/a_guy_walks_into_a_zoo_the_only_animal_there_was/
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What's a gothic persons blood made of?

Emoglobin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55s0s7/whats_a_gothic_persons_blood_made_of/
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Caesar comes across a problem

During Julis Caesar's campaigns against the Germanic tribes, he came across never before seen weather, it came crashing down on the men and stalled exit of the most recently conquered villages.
Amazed by this, he asks one of the local what it is.
"Hail, Caesar" The man replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rzhh/caesar_comes_across_a_problem/
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Two nuns painting a room...

Two nuns are painting a room, they realize that they could accidentally get paint on their habits so they decide to take a preventative measure. They decide to take off their clothes and paint in the nude. Before they do so they lock the door.
A few hours later there is a knock at the door, "who is it?" Says a nun.  A man responds, I'm the blind man.
One nun looks at the other nun and says well it's only a blind man I guess we don't have to put our habits back on.
The nun unlocks and opens the door. Then Dave says "nice tits where do you want the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ry06/two_nuns_painting_a_room/
%
A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rxyd/a_woman_wakes_up_to_her_husband_crying_in_bed/
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a pakistani soldier enlists in the army , ( xpost - india )

A Pakistani soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Pakistani army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Indian tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Indians. I approached the border, and saw an Indian tank. I put my white flag up, the Indian tank put his white flag up. I said to the Indian soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rw8a/a_pakistani_soldier_enlists_in_the_army_xpost/
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How did the rabbit know his wife was cheating on him?

He found a hare in his bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rvg5/how_did_the_rabbit_know_his_wife_was_cheating_on/
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Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can grip the broom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rtkz/why_dont_witches_wear_panties/
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A guy walks into his office with both his ears bandaged up

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rsyg/a_guy_walks_into_his_office_with_both_his_ears/
%
What's the difference between Trump and Dave

Who the hell is Trump?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rqzs/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_dave/
%
The basketball coach storms into the president office and demands a raise..

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.
“Jesus Christ, man,” protested President Kubritski, “you already make more than the entire English department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.” He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. “You’re not there, sir,” he reported.
“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded President Kubritski, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rqqy/the_basketball_coach_storms_into_the_president/
%
Why can't a fish be a radio host?

Because if he goes on air, he'll die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rmnc/why_cant_a_fish_be_a_radio_host/
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The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool.

I was so startled, I almost fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rlc5/the_lifeguard_yelled_at_me_for_peeing_in_the_pool/
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Bribe and Groom

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I''ll give you $100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''d appreciate it if you''d just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom''s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom''s hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rji1/bribe_and_groom/
%
A faithless nun and the father

Three nuns were taking a walk one day.
''I was cleaning the Father's room yesterday and found some pornography magazines," said the first nun.
"What did you do with them?" asked the second.
"I threw them away."
"I was cleaning the Father's room yesterday and found some condoms," said the second nun.
"What did you do with them?" asked the first.
"I punched holes in them." The third nun fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55riqf/a_faithless_nun_and_the_father/
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I know a lot about jokes about unemployed people

But they never work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rimg/i_know_a_lot_about_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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What does my cat and Donald Trump have in common?

Neither of them pay taxes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ri2n/what_does_my_cat_and_donald_trump_have_in_common/
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A man shows up to his psychiatrist completely naked but covered with saran wrap...

Psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ri25/a_man_shows_up_to_his_psychiatrist_completely/
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Calculus and alcohol don't mix...

Never drink and derive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rhw8/calculus_and_alcohol_dont_mix/
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What does the pirates 5 trailer and the iPhone 7 have in common?

There's no jack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rhad/what_does_the_pirates_5_trailer_and_the_iphone_7/
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Young Couple Gets Ban from The Church

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church.
So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.
After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks. "We were unable to abstain.
On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!" "That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rdda/young_couple_gets_ban_from_the_church/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

For being out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rcuf/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
A guy looking for a fight...

A guy looking for a fight walks into a biker bar and shouts, "Donald Trump is an asshole."
The biggest guys in the bar gets in his face and warns him, "You better watch what you say around here."
"Why? Are you a Trump supporter?"
"No, I'm an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rb2x/a_guy_looking_for_a_fight/
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If you want to know who is really man’s best friend,

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55r9tk/if_you_want_to_know_who_is_really_mans_best_friend/
%
What do you call a cross between a skunk, a wolverine, and a porcupine?

"Sir" from a distance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55r9e1/what_do_you_call_a_cross_between_a_skunk_a/
%
I thought it would be good idea to charge my Note 7 and make a call at the same time.

Boy did that blow up in my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55r8r4/i_thought_it_would_be_good_idea_to_charge_my_note/
%
A surgeon is taking a class of trainees to see a cadaver for the first time...

He tells them that it's really important that they familiarize themselves with the corpse, so he says "Do exactly as I do."
He then sticks his finger into the dead guys anus, pulls it out and sucks on it.
Then he lines up the students and says "Now your turn."
Obediently, one by one, grimacing as they do, they all in turn, put their fingers in the guys ass and then suck on them.
Once they all complete the task, the surgeon says "It's also important that you learn to be observant. I put my ring finger in his ass and my index finger in my mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55r6ij/a_surgeon_is_taking_a_class_of_trainees_to_see_a/
%
Christmas Cop

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."
The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse, instead of on top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55r4f0/christmas_cop/
%
A boy, a girl and Scotch Bottle

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55r2f1/a_boy_a_girl_and_scotch_bottle/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55r1bf/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding

The police officer asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the man replied.
The cop said, "There is no traffic."
The man replied, "That's how far behind I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55r10b/a_man_was_pulled_over_by_a_police_officer_for/
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How do you starve a BLM member?

Hide their welfare check under a job application.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qvos/how_do_you_starve_a_blm_member/
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My ex-wife still misses me...

But her aim is gettin better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qvha/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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My girlfriend is like the Samsung Note7

She blows up at any given moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qta2/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_samsung_note7/
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I'm so tired of people saying Hillary sucks...

She doesn't. Just ask Bill and Monica.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qt92/im_so_tired_of_people_saying_hillary_sucks/
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You know what the difference is between an chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qsoa/you_know_what_the_difference_is_between_an/
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Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican?

Because they always steal all of the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qsao/why_cant_you_play_uno_with_a_mexican/
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What do you call four condoms who play music together?

A rubber band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qrwc/what_do_you_call_four_condoms_who_play_music/
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An apple a day.....

Causes job shortages in the hospital.
Have a burger instead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qq7e/an_apple_a_day/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on me before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qnym/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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So Samsung released a new knife!

Its brand new cutting-edge technology

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qnt1/so_samsung_released_a_new_knife/
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What do you call a doctor who is always on a phone?

An oncologist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ql2o/what_do_you_call_a_doctor_who_is_always_on_a_phone/
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Don't post negative things here

Electrons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qkr0/dont_post_negative_things_here/
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

If you're a good enough thrower!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qke6/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away/
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Man, I sure am mad about the rising bullet prices...

Now I get less bang for my buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qjmw/man_i_sure_am_mad_about_the_rising_bullet_prices/
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I can't believe rattlesnake warnings are called rattles

and not cautionary tails

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qi7j/i_cant_believe_rattlesnake_warnings_are_called/
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Afterlife for IRS Cheaters

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.
A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.
"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qevq/afterlife_for_irs_cheaters/
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Why haven't you ever seen a hippo hiding in a tree?

Because they are really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qdje/why_havent_you_ever_seen_a_hippo_hiding_in_a_tree/
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Dead Again

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qc5c/dead_again/
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The Pickle Slicer

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qb38/the_pickle_slicer/
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A woman 9 months pregnant with triplets is standing in a bank.

She is waiting in line when a masked gunman storms in and fires blindly hitting the woman three times in the stomach. She survives the bank robbery but goes into labor. She has two girls and a boy. Miraculously she survives and so do the triplets. Causing no issues the doctors decided that surgery on the triplets is too dangerous and decide to leave the fragments in the infants for the time being. They tell the mother that there's a possibility that the fragments might work out with time. 12 years pass and without any health issues the mother decided that surgery wasn't necessary and never told the children what happened so to not worry them.one day the oldest of the triplets runs into the family's kitchen distraught looking for her mother.
"M...mommy I...I was going to the bathroom and I peed out a bullet."
Once she calms her daughter she sits her down and explains the long held secret, she has her daughter promise not to tell her siblings. The young girl agrees and runs off. The next day her middle daughter runs into her in tears.
"Mo...mommy. I was going to the bathroom a...and I peed out a bullet."
After calming her down the mother again sits down and explains to her middle child the story of their birth. She has her daughter promise to not tell her brother and she agrees running off to play.
The next day the son came running down the stairs and into the kitchen.
"Mom..."
"Wait let me guess you were going to the bathroom and peed out a bullet . Right?"
"No...I was masterbating and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55qa0h/a_woman_9_months_pregnant_with_triplets_is/
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What do you call a Med School student who graduates with all C's?

A Doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55q97b/what_do_you_call_a_med_school_student_who/
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The Best Time to Plan Lettuce

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."
The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55q88u/the_best_time_to_plan_lettuce/
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Act of God

After his wife had a baby, the new minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed, and again, the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation voiced their unhappiness over the increasing expenses.
The minister stood up and shouted "Procreation is an act of God!"
An old man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55q7bq/act_of_god/
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I was walking my dog when a man approached me.

He said, "My car's just broken down. Could you give me a push?"
"Of course," I said.
Then he fell into the bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55q5a9/i_was_walking_my_dog_when_a_man_approached_me/
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If a single stick is called a "fag", and a bundle of "fags" is called a "faggot", then what do you call a group of "faggots"?

A "subreddit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55q3nd/if_a_single_stick_is_called_a_fag_and_a_bundle_of/
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A magician was driving down a street...

then suddenly he turned into a driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55q2lq/a_magician_was_driving_down_a_street/
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How did Barack propose to Michelle?

He got down on one knee and said, "I don't wanna be Obama self."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55q2kh/how_did_barack_propose_to_michelle/
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I'm usually exited for winter...

But then I get cold feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55pyrj/im_usually_exited_for_winter/
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A guy buys his first motorcycle.

The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55pxv8/a_guy_buys_his_first_motorcycle/
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Devil in the Church

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55pvuh/devil_in_the_church/
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery....

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite.
The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ptqw/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
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An Atheist and a Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55psn3/an_atheist_and_a_bear/
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Why did the glass finally crack?

It was badly tempered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55pl3l/why_did_the_glass_finally_crack/
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My friend phoned me up at three in the morning.

He said, "Can you pick me up from the bar?"
I said, "No mate, my arms aren't that long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55pken/my_friend_phoned_me_up_at_three_in_the_morning/
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PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's  borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during  labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55pjbl/pregnancy_q_a/
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What does a vampire drink while on a diet?

Blood Light®.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55piya/what_does_a_vampire_drink_while_on_a_diet/
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My boyfriend is like an iPhone 7

Just jacks off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55pgw7/my_boyfriend_is_like_an_iphone_7/
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Someone stole all the toilets from Scotland Yard

Police have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55pgbp/someone_stole_all_the_toilets_from_scotland_yard/
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How do you tell a gamer from a car mechanic?

Ask them what HP means.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55pfev/how_do_you_tell_a_gamer_from_a_car_mechanic/
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How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? One or two?

....One?
...or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55pel2/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Last year I wrote a joke about how I hold grudges, the audience didn't laugh.

I still hate them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55pehd/last_year_i_wrote_a_joke_about_how_i_hold_grudges/
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Ya gotta give Hitler credit for one thing...

He killed Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55pdle/ya_gotta_give_hitler_credit_for_one_thing/
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Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in the USA?

Yes. In the USA you can stand in front of the White House and shout "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Equally, you can stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell "Down with Reagan!", and you will still not be punished.
(Alternate punchline:
Yes, but the USA also permits freedom after speech.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55pd2c/is_it_true_that_there_is_freedom_of_speech_in_the/
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Reddit gold is a lot like Nazi gold

Accumulated over the corpses of people you've burned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55pcw2/reddit_gold_is_a_lot_like_nazi_gold/
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You know what my grandpa said to me right before he kicked the bucket?

Hey Billy how far do you think I can kick this bucket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55p9ae/you_know_what_my_grandpa_said_to_me_right_before/
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A boy comes to his dad...

Son: Dad, I just had sex.
Dad: That's great son, I'm proud of you. Why don't you sit down and tell me about it?
Son: I can't, my butt still hurts.
(I saw this post earlier, but felt it didn't get enough attention.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55p8z0/a_boy_comes_to_his_dad/
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This woman, who has never shaved her armpits, is sitting in a bar...

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so, as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every twenty minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink.
This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy armpits every time she raises her arm.
Near the end of the evening, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, “Hey, I’d like to buy the ballerina a drink.”
The bartender replies, “She’s not a ballerina. What makes you think she’s a ballerina?”
The drunk says, “Any girl who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55p8f3/this_woman_who_has_never_shaved_her_armpits_is/
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If God made everything...

Is God Chinese?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55p67u/if_god_made_everything/
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A woman was trying on her new fur coat.

Her teenage daughter walked up to her and said.
"Mother, do you realize that this coat is the result of the suffering of a poor, defenseless animal?"
The woman looked strictly at her daughter.
"Young lady, don't you dare talk about your father like that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55p3rr/a_woman_was_trying_on_her_new_fur_coat/
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Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You would too if your name was "ARGHAGHRRAH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55p2wa/why_did_helen_kellers_dog_kill_itself/
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"When out of ammunition, just hold your hand as if you were holding a gun, and say 'bang bang'"

It was just before a critical offensive, and the troops were being issued their weapons. Lenski was last in line, and they handed out the last rifle to the man in front of him. Furious, Lenski shouted, “Hey, what about my gun?”
“Listen, bud,” advised the munitions officer, “just keep your hands out in front of you as though you were holding one, and yell, ‘Bang! Bang!’”
“You gotta be joking,” blustered Lenski. “You must be trying to get me killed!”
‘Trust me,” said the officer, sending Lenski out into the field with a reassuring pat on the shoulder.
Pretty soon Lenski found himself in the thick of battle with a Russian infantryman advancing on him. Having little choice, he raised his hands, pointed at the soldier, and yelled, “Bang! Bang!” The Russian fell over, stone dead. This worked on about twenty Russians. Fired with confidence, Lenski returned to the munitions officer and asked about a bayonet.
“Oh, we’re all out,” said the officer apologetically, “but if you just point with your index finger and scream, ‘Stab! Stab!’ you’ll get excellent results.”
Out went Lenski into battle again, and soon he was surrounded by heaps of dead Russian soldiers. In fact, he thought he had wiped out the whole platoon and was just taking a breather when he saw a giant Russian coming toward him. Strutting forward, Lenski shouted, “Bang! Bang!”
The Russian kept on coming.
“Stab! Stab!” cried Lenski.
The Russian kept on coming, right over Lenski, crushing him to a pulp.
The last thing the unfortunate infantryman heard was the Russian muttering, “Tank, tank, tank. . . .”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55oznw/when_out_of_ammunition_just_hold_your_hand_as_if/
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A Blonde Walks into a Library

A blonde walks into a library and slams a book on the desk.
She says, "This is the worst book I've ever read!! There's no plot and it has way too many characters!!"
The librarian says, "So that's what happened to our phonebook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ozhx/a_blonde_walks_into_a_library/
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A german walks into a bar

and orders one martini. The bartender asks:
"Dry?"
The German replies
"No, one you dumbass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55oyjt/a_german_walks_into_a_bar/
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Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55oy1z/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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I named my dog Shark to make him sound tough...

For some reason, people go into a panic when he runs off on the beach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55orqp/i_named_my_dog_shark_to_make_him_sound_tough/
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Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am

independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55opao/turned_18_today_so_i_bought_a_locket_and_put_my/
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Who is Santa Claus?

Because if in Spanish, "Santo" or "San" is used for male saints...
(San Francisco, San Diego)
And "Santa" is used for female saints...
(Santa Monica, Santa Barbara)
Wouldn't that make Santa Claus transsexual?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55onwt/who_is_santa_claus/
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Does anyone know any good gags?

Said Kim's robber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55onuz/does_anyone_know_any_good_gags/
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What is black and sits atop the staircase?

Steven Hawking after a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55onam/what_is_black_and_sits_atop_the_staircase/
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My physics teacher told me a joke today

A physicist, a poet and a politician are sentenced to death by guillotine during the French Revolution.
The poet is picked first. He stands by as the blade is raised, then he is asked, “Would you rather be face up or face down?” “Down,” he says. They place him in the guillotine, the blade is raised, there is a drum roll, and the executioner pulls the cord releasing the blade… and it hangs up halfway down!
Now, there was (in this story) a rule against “double jeopardy”, so the poet goes free and runs off into the crowd rejoicing.
The politician goes next, after the guillotine is checked out thoroughly, the track greased and tested on a melon. Same story. He also goes free.
Now it’s the physicist’s turn. The engineers take the guillotine apart and replace all the worn components, test it three times and finally ask the physicist if he wants to be face up or face down. “Up, please. I like to see what’s ahead!” says the physicist.
The blade is hoisted, there’s a drum roll, and just as the executioner gets ready to pull the cord, the physicist points up at the guillotine and shouts, “Wait! I think I see your problem!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55omui/my_physics_teacher_told_me_a_joke_today/
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One Dark Halloween Night........

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55oigx/one_dark_halloween_night/
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Two ants, Jack and Rose, are sitting on a leaf on water. Suddenly, a small tide comes and upturns the leaf. Only the girl ant sinks…

…because the other is a buoy ant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55oh96/two_ants_jack_and_rose_are_sitting_on_a_leaf_on/
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Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55oe7l/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
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So did you hear that the Colombians voted in a referendum to continue their war?

I was like FARC me . . . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55oe3e/so_did_you_hear_that_the_colombians_voted_in_a/
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My wife is like my phone

When she's turned off she won't even give me the time of day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ob9u/my_wife_is_like_my_phone/
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A black person is walking down the street carrying a 4K TV

I thought, 'that looks like mine!'.
But then I remembered, my black person is at home doing laundry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ob2y/a_black_person_is_walking_down_the_street/
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What blood type do happy people have?

B Positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55o743/what_blood_type_do_happy_people_have/
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My robot was malfunctioning.

He had developed a dangerously shocking personality, so I grounded her for a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55o62v/my_robot_was_malfunctioning/
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The Blonde and the Blinker

Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55o41q/the_blonde_and_the_blinker/
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55o1dw/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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Heinz have altered one of their spicier sauces.

It's a remustard version.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55o12b/heinz_have_altered_one_of_their_spicier_sauces/
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Where do suicide bombers go after they die

All over the place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nzos/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_after_they_die/
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Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work?

Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns
Husband: Divorce is strong in this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nxom/therapist_so_why_doesnt_the_marriage_work/
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I've been watching you urinate in the pool..

Lifeguard: I’ve been watching you, Mr. Jones, and you’ll have to stop urinating in the pool.
Mr. Jones: But everybody urinates in the pool.
Lifeguard: From the diving board?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nx9h/ive_been_watching_you_urinate_in_the_pool/
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When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness. . . .

I was right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nwnr/when_i_was_young_i_used_to_think_that_wealth_and/
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What's a penguin?

A man is walking down the street and is really horny. He goes to the
first brothel he sees but only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
The man goes to the next one.  But, since he only has five dollars,
he gets kicked out again.
So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one
and says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need
a blow-job for 5 dollars!"
The madam there says, "For five dollars, all we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?"
"You'll see."
So, the madam takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom.
He unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."
Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the man a blow job. Just
as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away.
The horny man waddles after her, with his pants at his ankles, shouting,
"HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nv45/whats_a_penguin/
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Sad news from Minnesota

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.  The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.  He was 51.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.  The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.  Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.  He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man, and was considered a positive roll model for millions.  Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven.  He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funereal was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day or kneading a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nt9r/sad_news_from_minnesota/
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How did Kanye find out that Kim was bound, gagged, and held at gunpoint?

She released the video on pornhub.
(Too soon?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nt02/how_did_kanye_find_out_that_kim_was_bound_gagged/
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A priest, a minister, a rabbi and the bear

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nlui/a_priest_a_minister_a_rabbi_and_the_bear/
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are you serious? blind man

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nll0/are_you_serious_blind_man/
%
As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked.....

"Have you just gotten out of prison?"
"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because
I wanted to have sex from the rear?"
"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you
ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nkh6/as_a_hooker_was_dressing_she_turned_to_her/
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If I had a dollar for every girl that turned me down...

They wouldn't turn me down anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nk8p/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_turned_me/
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Revealed at last: The secret of how you can start your own business and end up with a million dollars!

Start with ten million.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nj2v/revealed_at_last_the_secret_of_how_you_can_start/
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Why did the cow tip over?

Excellent service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nix9/why_did_the_cow_tip_over/
%
Sunday Afternoon quickie :D

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by."  A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.  "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nikx/sunday_afternoon_quickie_d/
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My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine.

I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nh7p/my_german_friend_told_me_to_pick_him_up_dry_wine/
%
Is Google a he or a she...

Is Google a he or a she?
A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ngi9/is_google_a_he_or_a_she/
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In 2012 Kanye made millions from "Niggas in Paris"

2016 he lost it to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nftw/in_2012_kanye_made_millions_from_niggas_in_paris/
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Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.

He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "I have good news and I have bad news. First the bad news: Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones. "Will she ever recover?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her. Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Of course, you must clean her immediately to avoid bedsores."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to withe off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder, and says "I also have some good news."
"What could possibly be good about this!" wails Mr. Jones
Dr. Smith: "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55neh2/mr_jones_gets_a_call_from_the_hospital_they_tell/
%
How do astronomers organize a party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ndus/how_do_astronomers_organize_a_party/
%
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ndr2/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_the_empire_state/
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A toddler was arrested at a day care today...

He was resisting a rest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ndjk/a_toddler_was_arrested_at_a_day_care_today/
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My gf just sent me an SMS: "Spacekeydoesn'tworkcanyougivemeanalternative"

I am really excited but what the f**k does ternative mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ndcc/my_gf_just_sent_me_an_sms/
%
Will the new Apple car have windows?

No. And it won't have a jack either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ncmy/will_the_new_apple_car_have_windows/
%
A cowboy comes out of a cafe and sees that someone has painted his horse's balls red.

A cowboy just won first place in a rodeo in a small western town. So proud of his horse was he that he rode him to the neighborhood saloon. After tying the horse to a post, he went inside for a couple of brews.
When he came out of the bar a few hours later, he noticed that someone had painted the horse’s balls red. Furious, he barged back into the bar like a madman. At the top of his lungs, he asked who painted his horse’s balls red. Suddenly, towards the rear of the bar, a tall, shirtless muscular man stands up.
He’s a good six feet six with nineteen-inch biceps. Tattoos cover his upper body. Scars are all over his face and chest. Two long Bowie knives are strapped to his waist. “I did,” said the tough guy. “And what about it?”
“Just wanted to let you know,” said the cowboy, “the first coat is dry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nc8d/a_cowboy_comes_out_of_a_cafe_and_sees_that/
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How do you know a girl is too young for you?

When you have to make airplane noises to get your dick in her mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55nc7r/how_do_you_know_a_girl_is_too_young_for_you/
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I believe every child should be given a chance...

...and that's why if they can guess the number I'm thinking of, I'll let them go...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55n7jk/i_believe_every_child_should_be_given_a_chance/
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Old soldier

An old soldier is standing around at a party looking lonely. A pretty young woman comes up and says hi and asks why he looks so sad. He replies, "I haven't had sex since 19.40". She looks shocked, smiles and says, "we can fix that" and off they go for a quickie. They both return to the party and the soldier goes back to looking sad in a corner. A pretty young woman comes up and asks why he's so sad. He looks at his watch and says "I haven't had sex since 19.56" She looks shocked, smiles and says "we can do something about that." The old soldier smiles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55n65u/old_soldier/
%
A man tells his doctor about his wife's poor hearing.

In order to determine the level of hearing damage, the doctor tells the man to ask his wife something from 15 feet away, Moving 5 feet closer and trying again if she doesn't respond, until she responds.
The man then goes home and sees that his wife is cooking.
He stands 15 feet behind his wife and asks,
"Whats for dinner?"
No response.
So he moves 5 feet forwards, and asks again,
"Whats for dinner?"
Still no response.
The man moves forwards again, until he is only 5 feet from his wife.
"Whats for dinner?"
The wife turns around and shouts,
**"For the third fucking time, Beef stew."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55n5nf/a_man_tells_his_doctor_about_his_wifes_poor/
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What did Iron Man say when War Machine asked to come with him to the future?

Rhodes? Where we're going, we don't need Rhodes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55n2qo/what_did_iron_man_say_when_war_machine_asked_to/
%
Does anybody know any jokes about salt?

Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55n1oy/does_anybody_know_any_jokes_about_salt/
%
Tanjooberrymutts

By the time you read through this you wil understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55mwm2/tanjooberrymutts/
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Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia...

And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?
No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.
'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Shoot everyone in the second row', so everyone in the second row gets shot.
Stalin, getting impatient, asks again: who sneezed? A man in the middle of the crowd slowly raises his hand, and in a whimper of a voice says 'me'.
Stalin looks out into the crowd and sees the man with his hand up and says,
'Bless you'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55mulc/stalin_was_addressing_an_assembly_of_peasants_in/
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If laziness were an olympic discipline...

... I'd want to finish 4th so I wouldn't have to climb the medals podium...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55mu1d/if_laziness_were_an_olympic_discipline/
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John grew up on a farm

in a small town away from the hustle and bustle of the city. His whole life he has been a huge fan of tractors, his curtains and carpets had tractor patterns on, there were posters of John Deere's covering his walls, he even had his parents buy him a waffle maker that makes waffles in the shape of tractors. As he grew up and started to hit puberty John started, as all boys of his age do, being way too interested in impressing girls, he soon realized that girls don't really care much for tractors and this was proving to be a problem. On his 18th birthday however he finally decided that something has to be done if he was ever going to stop the mockery from his friends for not having kissed a girl. But what was to be done? John decided that he was going to switch over to cars, it is a fairly easy swap and girls like cars, right? He went home that day and started taking down his curtains and ripped out his carpets and replacing them with car patterns, the posters were replaced next with pictures of Lamborghini's and Ferrari's. He even had his parents throw out his beloved waffle maker and have them replace it with one that makes waffles in the shape of cars. With John's whole life now changed he decided he would go in to town to the local bar for a well deserved beer, so he makes the 10 mile drive into town and as he walks up to the bar he realizes that he forgot his wallet at home. He looks at the bartender and says "Listen man I've had a long and emotional day is there anything I can do for just one beer" now this was a typical small town bar, no windows and only one entrance to the building, the place was basically a walking fire hazard and obviously then a lot of smoke was hanging around in the bar at about eye level. So the bartender looks back at him and says "You see all this smoke hanging around? If you can get all this smoke out, I will give you your beer". John looks around a bit and inhales as much air as he can, and walks outside and exhales. He returns to find the bar without a trace of smoke and the bartender staring at him with eyes as big as plates. "How the hell did you do that!" he exclaims "It's easy" said John "I'm an ex-tractor fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55mt37/john_grew_up_on_a_farm/
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?

That's your common sense leaving your body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55mlo9/you_know_that_tingly_little_feeling_you_get_when/
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A construction worker asked me to make a joke about the contents of his toolbox.

Unfortunately, I don't have any drill bits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ml08/a_construction_worker_asked_me_to_make_a_joke/
%
My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7.

I wish I had an iPhone 7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55mgbd/my_girlfriend_is_like_an_iphone_7/
%
A panda walks into a restaurant

, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look
it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55masm/a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Dave.
Oh hi Dave, what's new?
*The Boss Faints*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55m9ou/knock_knock/
%
A Roman walks into a bar an orders a martinus.

"You mean a martini?" asks the bartender.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted more than one I would have said martini"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55m9b2/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_an_orders_a_martinus/
%
One day, you wake up and everyone has a number over their heads. The number is counting down by the second. Eventually, someone's number reaches zero, and....

They sneeze. Their number resets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55m98q/one_day_you_wake_up_and_everyone_has_a_number/
%
Whats fat on the bottom, skinny on the top, and has ears?

Mountains!
...what? You've never head of mountaineers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55m7wg/whats_fat_on_the_bottom_skinny_on_the_top_and_has/
%
Two blonde girls are celebrating at a table...

The waiter comes by and asks "What are you celebrating?"
They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55m4js/two_blonde_girls_are_celebrating_at_a_table/
%
When a drunk man enters the house, he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing so that he doesn't wake his wife.

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 A.M., at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk, he didn’t 2 he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he notices blood, so he checks himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind is cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers, trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55lzm9/when_a_drunk_man_enters_the_house_he_takes_off/
%
How does every racist joke start?

*glances to the left, glances to the right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55lxr3/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
%
A blonde from the city is tired of being teased.

She just can't take the blonde jokes anymore.
So, she dyes her hair red and moves to the country.
She is sitting along a country road looking at a field full of sheep.
She counts all the sheep and comes up with an idea to get a sheep of her own.
She drives to the farm house and finds the farmer.
"Good afternoon. Is that your field full of sheep?" She asks the farmer.
"Yes it is" replies the farmer.
"I would just love to have a pet sheep. But I can not afford to buy one. If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The farmer smiles and says, "sure, if you can guess how many sheep I have you can have one."
The blonde looks over at the field and then says, "328 sheep"
The farmer is amazed. "That is exactly right. Go pick a sheep"
The blonde picks a sheep and puts it in her car. She is backing out of the driveway and the farmer comes running up to the car.
"Excuse me miss. But, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55lvws/a_blonde_from_the_city_is_tired_of_being_teased/
%
Three car salesmen have a wreck on the way to work

They all arrive at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter says "Let me ask you a question before admitting you to heaven."
To the first he says "My son, while on Earth did you lead a good life?"
"Oh yes, " says the first man," I had thirty years of marriage to a wonderful woman and I was honest in business"
"I see here in the book you're telling the truth", says Saint Peter, "here are your keys to a brand new Mercedes to drive in Heaven"
To the second he says "My son, while on Earth did you lead a good life?"
He answers "Saint Peter I was married for several years and then cheated on my wife but we reconciled."
"I see here in the book you're telling the truth", says Saint Peter," here are your keys to a used Ford Taurus to drive in heaven. "
The third man steps up and says," Saint Peter, lemme save us both a lot of trouble. I screwed everything in a skirt and never passed up a shot at dirty money"
"Well", says Saint Peter, "the book says you're telling the truth, awful though it is. Here is a moped to ride in heaven"
Several days later the third man pulls up to a red light only to see the first man slumped over the wheel  of his Mercedes, crying.
"What could possibly be so bad? ", he asks."You had a wonderful life, a great marriage and now you're driving a Mercedes in Heaven!"
The first man sobs out "I just saw my wife on a  skateboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55lvoj/three_car_salesmen_have_a_wreck_on_the_way_to_work/
%
Why did the skeleton cross the road?

He never crossed the road, he didn't have the guts to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55lvah/why_did_the_skeleton_cross_the_road/
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Three Girls and The Back Door

A young man was curious as to what girls thought about sex in the "back-door". So, out of curiosity and a lack of shame, he decides to ask three different girls if they would like to try it in the "back door".
The first girl he asked was American, and when asked about her opinion she punched the young man to the asphalt before storming off.
The second girl he asked was French, and when asked about her opinion she blushed and said that she would be willing to try anything once.
The third girl he asked was German, and when asked about her opinion she said, "Alright! Bend over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55lu0i/three_girls_and_the_back_door/
%
What does Sherlock call his friends?

His Holmies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55lt6j/what_does_sherlock_call_his_friends/
%
A Lebanese man in Texas

A clever Lebanese man moves to the Texas Republic. He wants to buy a mule, but when he goes to see the man he knows is selling one, he  is told that the mule has died.
"No problem," says he. "I will give you two dollars for the dead mule."
A few weeks later the mule seller runs into the Lebanese man in town, looking quite prosperous. He asked him what had happened.
" I raffled off the mule. I charged one dollar a ticket, and sold 700 tickets."
"But weren't the winner upset that the mule was dead?"
"I gave him his money back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55lrsh/a_lebanese_man_in_texas/
%
Did you hear the one about the falling eggs?

It will crack you up
I'll just go now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55lpvy/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_falling_eggs/
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Why shouldn't you give Muslim Women drugs?

They'll get stoned. (Ba-dum tss)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55loe2/why_shouldnt_you_give_muslim_women_drugs/
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I just fell in love with a girl who builds circuit boards for a living...

I just couldn't *resistor.*
I couldn't help but say "*Ohm* my word, you're gorgeous!"
We talked for a while, had quite an *amp-*le conversation.
We eventually went to get lunch and took her *volts-*wagon.
*Current-*ly, I'd say this relationship is working out well.
I swept *Kirchhoff* her feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55lnqb/i_just_fell_in_love_with_a_girl_who_builds/
%
Why didn't the bride and groom exchange their wedding vows?

TL;DR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55lko1/why_didnt_the_bride_and_groom_exchange_their/
%
George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Trump die in a plane crash

They go up to the pearly gates to be judged. Each of them finds himself standing in front of a huge oak door. Then a voice booms out, "George Bush, you have led a sinful life, now this will be your punishment throughout all eternity."
They Bush's door creaks open and an ugly old witch comes out, grabs Bush, and drags him off.
Next, the voice booms out: "Dick Cheney, you have led a sinful life, now this will be your punishment throughout all eternity." Cheney's door creaks slowly open, and a really hideously ugly old hag comes out. She grabs Cheney, gives an evil cackle, and drags him off.
So now Trump is standing there by himself, wondering what's in store for him, when he spots a keyhole in his door. He looks through the door and sees Kim Kardashian.
Suddenly the voice booms out: "Kim Kardashian, you have led a sinful life..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55li1x/george_bush_dick_cheney_and_donald_trump_die_in_a/
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What do you call it when a fruit studders?

A peach impediment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55l927/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_fruit_studders/
%
If we're dating and you call me bae, boo or daddy...

I'm walking out on you like, well, your daddy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55l7cf/if_were_dating_and_you_call_me_bae_boo_or_daddy/
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At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"

"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55l516/at_a_mental_hospital_one_patient_keeps_yelling_i/
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My teacher asked me if I knew any anagrams of "denied".

I said, "Indeed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55l2mu/my_teacher_asked_me_if_i_knew_any_anagrams_of/
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Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked "Have  you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached
into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."
Husband's totalled SUV was sitting there..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55l255/have_you_ever_seen_twenty_dollars_all_crumpled_up/
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Did you hear about the deaf guy who could sing?

Ya, well he didn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kyhb/did_you_hear_about_the_deaf_guy_who_could_sing/
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My wife and I were happy for 22 years......

Then we met!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kwc8/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_22_years/
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[Offensive] One from the pub again: an old Jewish man wins the lottery...

It's a big old lottery, and he has to go up on stage to accept it.
His speech? He thanks his mum, his dad, his family, and then Hitler.
Everyone's all riled up. They ask: why Hitler?
He rolls up his sleeve, flips his arm over, and tells the crowd: "Well, he gave me the numbers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kvxp/offensive_one_from_the_pub_again_an_old_jewish/
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I'll do algebra, I'll put up with calculus, I'll even push through trigonometry...

but graphing is where I draw the line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kvu2/ill_do_algebra_ill_put_up_with_calculus_ill_even/
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Why did God allow women to get yeast infections?

So they could know what it was like to live with an irritating cunt sometimes..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ktcw/why_did_god_allow_women_to_get_yeast_infections/
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Son: Dad, I just had sex.

Dad: Good job son, sit down, we need to talk about something.
Son: I can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kt70/son_dad_i_just_had_sex/
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Honorable discharge

Three long-time servicemen are about to retire, and they are told that as a reward for many years of great service, they're are going to be given an amount of money equal to the distance between any two points on their body, in inches, times a thousand.
The colonel, being a tall man, picks the distance from his toes to the top of his head. Military officials measure him, and he walks away with a hefty sum of $75,000.
The general thinks for a bit, then raises his arm above his head, measuring from his toes to the tip of his fingers. With a smug smile, he walks out with nearly $90,000.
The sergeant is the last one and he says "measure from the tip of my cock to my left nut".
-"Are you sure?", he was asked. "Even if your manhood is impressive, surely you can make more money if you pick something else".
The sergeant repeats, "From the tip of my cock to my left nut". The officials shrug, and tell him to drop his pants.
-"What the hell is this?!", they shout. "Where is your left testicle??".
The sergeant smirks, "Vietnam".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55krrf/honorable_discharge/
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So a gorilla dies at a zoo...

...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kq4h/so_a_gorilla_dies_at_a_zoo/
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Why is Jesus always shown having a 6 pack?

Because of all his cross training

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kpzn/why_is_jesus_always_shown_having_a_6_pack/
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What do you call the Italian slums?

The spaghettos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kp8g/what_do_you_call_the_italian_slums/
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A bear walks into a bar

Bartender: " What will you have sir?"
Bear: "Gin............ and tonic."
Bartender: "Why the big pause?"
Bear: "I dont know my dad had them too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kn2u/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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I used to hate the Stockholm syndrome

After a while however, I realized that it wasn't too bad after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55klcv/i_used_to_hate_the_stockholm_syndrome/
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Two parrots were sitting on a perch

One turns to the other and says, "Do you smell fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kk91/two_parrots_were_sitting_on_a_perch/
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"Fly Southwest"

The little boy had been looking out of the window.
He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy replied, "Yes, she did."
"Well", said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kh5j/fly_southwest/
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A man is showing off his paintings at an art exhibit when he's approached by his agent..

His agent tells him "I've got good news and bad news."
"Okay," says the man, "what's the good news?"
"This woman has offered to buy all of your paintings!  She loves them, and she thinks they'll skyrocket in price after your death."
"Amazing!" says the man, "What could be the bad news?"
"Well," says the agent, "the woman is your doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kgug/a_man_is_showing_off_his_paintings_at_an_art/
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Let me tell you the story of Yuri the Russian Diver

You see, Yuri, he's this middle-aged Russian worker. Hard worker, but he has to be, growing up in the poor neighbourhoods of Moscow. Doesn't like violence, so he doesn't join the army, and the only thing he's really good at is physical labour. Poor Yuri's daily routine was basically to get out of bed in his cramped, dirty little bachelor apartment, really just a hole in the wall, then walk to work through muddy streets in the summer, slushy streets in the winter, and break his back for ten hours a day to get paid thirty rubles a month.
Every day, when he comes home, he falls asleep with the mantra in his head: Yuri, it's okay. Everyone has a difficult life here, and you are used to it. You are used to these hardships. Don't let them bother you. And every day, he'd wake up and do it all over again.
But, one day, as he was walking home from the quarry, he sees this huge billboard on the side of a building that had just been put up. Rise of capitalism and all that jazz. On the billboard is a beautiful Russian woman in a bathing-suit, posing and flashing her pretty teeth. Under the woman is the address to the local gymnasium and the phrase: LEARN TO SWIM! TEN RUBLES!
So, naturally Yuri is a bit hesitant. That's a third of his monthly earnings, but he sees the pretty girl on the advertisement and starts thinking, Yuri! Look at that! Maybe, if you go to the pool and learn to swim, you could meet a beautiful woman like that! Maybe this life of hardships and toil doesn't have to be so dull!
So, Yuri convinces himself to go. He saves up a bit of money, and sure enough, a week later he is at the gym and he slaps down the ten rubles to learn to swim. Now, while he didn't meet any beautiful women there because mostly it was just lonely guys who responded to the ad, he decided not to let that ruin the investment and he took to swimming with his entire being. His Russian work ethic made him excel in all his classes, and soon, he had learned the front stroke, the back stroke, and was swimming laps like an Olympic hopeful. For a time, he was very happy, but slowly, he realized he would not meet any beautiful women at the pool, and he was not learning anything else from the novice instructors.
So, he goes back to his usual life of hardships, working at the quarry, and only goes to the pool once in a while when he has a day off to keep up his swimming. But then, one day, as he is returning from work...he sees that the billboard has changed. LEARN TO DIVE! TWENTY RUBLES! With the sexy Russian woman now in a two-piece suit, nonetheless.
So, once again, Yuri says: Yuri! Look at that! Maybe, if you learn to dive, you could finally meet that beautiful woman, and at the very least, swimming will be exciting again! Maybe this life of hardships and toil doesn't have to be so dull!
Naturally, twenty rubles takes him a while to save up. He suffers incredible hardships, eating only the cheapest food. He doesn't pay his electricity bill for a month, and ends up spending many nights cold and shivering in addition to the usual hardships. However, it lasts only a few weeks and he has easily saved his rubles. Goes down to the gym and plunks down the money, informing the cashier that he intends to learn to dive!
So, he puts all his effort into learning to dive.Learns the half-gainer, full-gainer, back-flips, swan-dives... Mastered it all in less than a week. Our man Yuri was making high-dives at the end of the month that would have put him on the jet to Olympia.
Still, it wasn't enough to completely remove him from the hardships of reality. There were a few women in the class, but they were all future hopefuls that were ten or twelve years old. Yuri never met the hot woman from the billboard, but soon he was the best in his class...nay...in Russia! So he became dejected again with the fact that he could not learn anything more and started picking up overtime at the quarry instead of going to the pool. This only made him more miserable, and soon, he had accepted that his life of hardships was not going to get any better.
Then, one day, he sees a new billboard up on the building as he's coming home from work. This one has a beautiful American woman on it, smiling and waving in front of the Statue of Liberty. Under the picture is: COME TO AMERICA! FIFTY RUBLES!
Yuri sighs and convinces himself to keep walking. But the next day, and the next day, he sees that sign and that promise of a new life in America, and he gets to thinking: Yuri! What are you doing here? You are the best swimmer in all of Russia, and yet, you wallow in your life of hardships! You are the best diver in all of Russia, and yet you go every day to your depressing job! Yuri, maybe if you go to America, you can leave your life of tiring work and hardships behind, and finally meet some nice women! YES! Yuri, don't you see? This is a sign!
So, Yuri begins to save up all his money. He eats nothing but the poorest food and even starts going to the homeless soup kitchen to make sure he is strong enough to keep working all the overtime he is pulling in. He sells all his worldly possessions minus a few sets of clothes and his bathing suit. Finally, after suffering incredible hardships - long, exhausting days and near-sleepless, shivering nights for an entire month - he is able to finally sell his little apartment and scrape together the fifty rubles plus food for the two-week-long trip by steamer.
Yuri the Greatest Swimmer and Diver in all of Russia walks down to the harbour, finds the ticket counter and plops down the fifty rubles, saying to the lady: 'Take me to America! I am leaving this life of hardship behind!'
Now, Yuri gets on the boat and they leave the port, heading West that very afternoon. It is a fine, sturdy boat, so his fears are lessened right away, and there are many other passengers who are like him, and who have even heard of Yuri's excellent skill at diving, so he has lots of people to talk to. In fact, he's almost a celebrity on board. But, with nothing to do but stare out the windows or wander around on the deck, everyone starts to get restless and bored. Yuri gets tired of talking about diving with everyone so he basically just sits in his cabin room and does nothing.
But, of course, Yuri is used to hardships and manages to keep himself busy by imagining all the things he can do once he gets to America. In fact, one day, about half-way though the trip, he starts to figure out he could open up a swimming school, and this makes him very excited. Before he can start drawing out plans, however...BOOM!
The boat slowly comes to a stop in the middle of the ocean and the captain comes onto the intercom. He says that one of the engines broke down and it will be at least three hours before they will be moving again. This makes all the bored people even more antsy, and Yuri hears many people grumbling and mad and complaining as he walks around that day. Suddenly, he comes up with an idea!
He says to himself: Yuri, you are the best Swimmer in all of Russia, are you not? You are the best Diver in all of Russia, too! Why not use this time to enjoy the ocean and go for a dive? Surely the Captain wouldn't mind! And sure enough, word that an expert diver putting on a show circulates around the boat and the captain agrees, hoping it will entertain and calm the passengers as the repairs finish. The water is tranquil and beautiful. The air is warm and there have been no signs of sharks or danger for miles and miles. So, confident it is safe, Yuri finally runs to his cabin and changes into his bathing suit. He even looks at the clock to make sure he waited an hour after breakfast before swimming.
When he comes up onto deck, most of the ship is there to watch. Everyone is excited and whispering: he's Yuri! The best Diver in all of Russia! This will be quite a show! Yuri, well, he is filled with happiness and confidence, so he declares to the crowd: I will attempt my highest dive ever from the top of the crow's nest!
So, he climbs up the ladder to the crow's nest high above the deck. It takes him a few minutes to get up there, but by the time he has finished climbing, everyone is excited and even the crew is watching. So, without wanting to wait too long, Yuri stretches, readies himself, and even checks the air with a lick of his finger."
Yuri takes a few steps back on the crow's nest, then runs and leaps into the air! Two back flips! Then, a corkscrew! Then, a front flip! Then...BAM!
Yuri missed the edge of the boat and accidentally hit the metal deck! And everyone is sure he's hurt or dead, but as everyone comes running up to him, shouting 'Yuri! Yuri! Are you alright!?! Yuri! Are you hurt? Yuri!!!' he gets up, rubbing his head painfully. Then, he turns to the surprised audience, and says: 'It's okay. I'm alright. I'm used to hard-ships.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kgfb/let_me_tell_you_the_story_of_yuri_the_russian/
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3 Vampires meet in a crossroad

The 1st vampire said "see that village over there? I'm gonna suck their blood dry", 30 minutes later he come back with mouth full of bloodstain "Nobody's alive in that village anymore".
The 2nd vampire doesn't want to lose, he said "see that town over there? I'm gonna suck their blood dry", 10 minutes later he come back with face covered in bloodstain, "That city is dead".
The 3rd vampire is so eager to compete he quickly go to the direction of a big city without saying anything. He come back 10 seconds later, all body covered in blood, the two vampires are impressed.
He say "You see that pole over there?"
"Yeah.."
"I didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kfh2/3_vampires_meet_in_a_crossroad/
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Sex burns 300 calories an hour.

After doing some extensive calculations, this year I burned roughly 5 calories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kcqb/sex_burns_300_calories_an_hour/
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Why did the can-crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55kajk/why_did_the_cancrusher_quit_his_job/
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When is a door, not a door?

...  when it's ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55k94o/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
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Did you hear about Syrian sex dolls?

They blow themselves up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55k2cx/did_you_hear_about_syrian_sex_dolls/
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A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street together...

...when a young boy bends over to tie his shoe.  The Priest leans over to the Rabbi and says, "Man, I'd sure like to screw him!" The Rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55k1mg/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_walking_down_the_street/
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How do you give a hill billy a circumcision?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jybv/how_do_you_give_a_hill_billy_a_circumcision/
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A man walks into the bar...

The bartender: "Hi Dave!"
The boss faints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jx2z/a_man_walks_into_the_bar/
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Thanks God

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jv6h/thanks_god/
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Two men take a test to see if they can apply to the same job.

Afterwards, the boss walks to the second person.
"We know you cheated off of [the first person]"
"How so?"
"On number 6, he said 'I don't know,' and you said 'I don't know either.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jv3x/two_men_take_a_test_to_see_if_they_can_apply_to/
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Dating a homeless girl

I can just drop her off anywhere after the date right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55juig/dating_a_homeless_girl/
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In law school...

Professor: What is fraud?
Student: If you don't let me pass the exam, you've committed fraud.
Professor: (surprised) how so?
Student: According to the law, those who take advantage of others' ignorance to cause them losses are committing fraud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55juaw/in_law_school/
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Did you hear about a Russian-speaking Indian?

He worships a moss cow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ju8q/did_you_hear_about_a_russianspeaking_indian/
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Sir, why do you ask for a red shirt before battle?

In the days when tall wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this one ship sailing during a war. That morning, the lookout shouted, “Enemy ship on the horizon.”
The captain said to his ensign, “Get me my red shirt.”
The ensign, rather bewildered by this odd request, did as his captain ordered.
Though the battle was a long one, the captain and his crew managed to fend off the enemy ship.
Later that day, the lookout shouted, “Two enemy ships on the horizon.”
As before, the captain said to his ensign, “Get me my red shirt.” And, as before, the ensign did as his captain asked. The battle took the rest of the day to fight, and again they managed to defeat the two enemy ships.
That evening, the ensign asked his captain, “Sir, why, before every battle, do you ask for your red shirt?”
The captain replied, “Well, if I am wounded in battle, the blood will not show and the crew will continue to fight.”
The crew was listening, and they were impressed. They had a brave captain.
The next morning, the lookout shouted, “Ten enemy ships on the horizon.”
The ensign looked at his captain, waiting for the usual orders. The captain said to his ensign, “Ensign, get me my brown pants.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jt0d/sir_why_do_you_ask_for_a_red_shirt_before_battle/
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epic meeting of world's top leaders

During a World Economic Summit, George W Bush, Mexican President Vincente Fox, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and French Prime minister Jacques Chirac are ceremonially riding in Japan's newest bullet train. As you might know all of these political leaders have big egos and this is what ensued. George Bush says "This is a fine bottle of wine Prime Minister Chirac" Upon hearing this Prime Minister Chirac throws out a case of France's finest wine and says "In France fine wine is bountiful and plenty!" Not to be outdone by Vladimir Putin who then throws out two cases of Russia's finest Vodka "In Russia premier vodka spirits flow like the Volga River" President Bush not wanting to seem weak, thinks for a moment, looks at Mexican president Vicente Fox, and throws him out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jt00/epic_meeting_of_worlds_top_leaders/
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A man walks into his office

cubicle on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
it reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!"
Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor. Expecting an apology, he opens the e-mail.
It reads, "Want to buy some?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jrt4/a_man_walks_into_his_office/
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BREAKING: A Tiny Fortune Teller Has Robbed a Bank And Is Now On The Loose!

The headline reads: Small Medium At Large!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jpup/breaking_a_tiny_fortune_teller_has_robbed_a_bank/
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You are the father, Probably the best joke ever

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jptp/you_are_the_father_probably_the_best_joke_ever/
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Old Couples in Love

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they appeared still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, he said. "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jnzv/old_couples_in_love/
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Which concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent feat Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jnmj/which_concert_costs_45_cents/
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I brought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jmph/i_brought_my_girlfriend_a_fridge_for_her_birthday/
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Purple Spaghetti

This is a joke made by a friend, not me. It's a pretty long read.
-----------------------------------
Timmy was a smart student in the 4th grade, and he was a stickler to the rules. One day, the kids in his class were passing a note around and it found its way to Timmy. Passing notes was against the rules, and Timmy told the kid that he would not pass the note any further, but the teacher found the note in Timmy's possession.
"Timmy, you know you cannot pass notes! Go ahead, read what it says."
Timmy opened the note and softly spoke, "It just says, purple spaghetti."
The teacher snatched the note from Timmy's hand, her face scrunched up with anger and she scolded him, "How dare you! Go to the principals office this instant!"
Timmy wandered the halls confused, he opened the door to the principals office and sat down. The principal walked in shortly after, and confronted him, "Timmy, you are such a good student, how did you end up here?"
Timmy then told the principal about how his teacher kicked him out of class, and it was all because of some note. The principal was confused, he asked,
"Well, what did the note say?"
"Purple spaghetti."
The principal slammed his desk and screamed, "Timmy, get the hell out of my school, you are expelled!"
Timmy made his way home and was more confused than ever. He opened the door to his house and sat on the couch. His mom walked in the room and said, "Timmy, what are you doing home so soon? School doesn't end for another 3 hours!" Timmy then proceeded to tell his mother about how the teacher kicked him out of class and how the principal expelled him. All because of some note. His mother was baffled, she asked,
"Well, what did the note say?"
"Purple spaghetti."
Timmy's mother released a wave of unrelenting anger, she started to yell and hit him, "Timmy, get the fuck out of my house! You are no longer my child - just get out of here!"
Timmy walked the street of his neighborhood until he didn't recognize the houses anymore, he was lost. He found a bridge and took shelter under it. It was really dark, Timmy was hungry and scared. A police officer pulled up to Timmy and asked, "Hey kid, what are you doing out here so late, it's past your curfew." Timmy then described the story about how the teacher kicked him out of class, how the principal expelled him, and how his mother disowned him and kicked him out of the house. All because of some note. The police officer looked bewildered, he asked,
"Well, what did the note say?"
"Purple spaghetti."
The cop instantly grabbed his shoulder radio and began spouting, "Dispatch all units, we have a Purple Spaghetti at my location, need back up immediately." He let go of the button and pulled out his baton and started to beat Timmy. The other officers showed up in less than a minute and began to pile onto Timmy, they threw him into the back of a squad car and drove him to the county jail.
He was placed in a holding cell with many other criminals. One man asked the other, "What are you in for?" The skinny, but intimidating man spoke up, "I robbed a store at gunpoint, but the damn cops showed." The next man in line spoke up, he was a giant man with a dead look in his eye, "I killed my girlfriend because she wouldn't shut up." Everyone looked at Timmy waiting for an answer, he finally spoke up. He revealed the story about how the teacher kicked him out of class, how the principal expelled him, how his mother disowned him and kicked him out of the house, and how he was assaulted by a police officer. All because of some note. The prisoners were astonished, and they all asked,
"Well, what did the note say?"
"Purple spaghetti."
The prisoners began to pull out their shanks and jump Timmy, he was stabbed 43 times in the neck.
His life left his eyes and he ascended to heaven. He found the pearly white gates and approached them. The man himself, God, turned to face him. A look of confusion sprawled across God's face, he spoke, "Timmy, you are three years early, what happened?" Timmy stated the story about how the teacher kicked him out of class, how the principal expelled him, how his mother disowned him and kicked him out of the house, how he was assaulted by a police officer, and how he was violently stabbed by prisoners. All because of some note. God was mystified, he asked,
"Well, what did the note say?"
"Purple spaghetti."
God spoke, "Timmy, you need to go down a floor."
A trap door appeared below Timmy and he fell into the pits of hell. When he landed he encountered Satan. Shocked, Satan inquired, "Timmy, you aren't supposed to be here for another 3 years, what happened?" Timmy confessed the story about how the teacher kicked him out of class, how the principal expelled him, how his mother disowned him and kicked him out of the house, how he was assaulted by a police officer, how he was violently stabbed by prisoners, and how he was sent to hell by God. All because of some note. Satan was confused, he asked,
"Well, what did the note say?"
"Purple spaghetti."
Satan said, "Timmy, you need to go down one more floor."
Timmy woke up with a cold sensation on his back, he was laying on the floor of a supermarket. He got up and looked around, his eyes still adjusting to new environment. It looked like the supermarket that he used to go to, but he knew it wasn't. He figured that he had nothing else to lose at this point, and he went up to the cashier and asked him, "What does purple spaghetti mean?" The cashier looked at him and said, "Oh, purple spaghetti, I know a guy that knows all about that." He pointed at a purple house across the street and informed, "That guy sitting on the porch knows all about it."
Timmy thanked the man and started to run out of the store. He reached the parking lot, his eyes were fixed on the house, he was so confused. His feet hit the pavement, and now he was crossing the street. Timmy felt a pain on his right side, and then he saw blackness. He was hit by a car.
Moral of the story: Look both ways before you cross the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jm5y/purple_spaghetti/
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Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife

It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me "how many potatoes would you like?" and I said "I'll just have one". She said "it's alright, you dont have to be polite", and I said "alright then, I'll just have one you stupid cow".
^^^thanks ^^^to ^^^Tim ^^^Vine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jkrt/today_i_had_dinner_with_my_boss_and_his_wife/
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There is this guy from the Czech Republic that plays chess with his Austrian friend.

Czech mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jkn9/there_is_this_guy_from_the_czech_republic_that/
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Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jk9a/brothel/
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How is being a Jew like eating a burrito?

It's really not a problem until they give you gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jjw8/how_is_being_a_jew_like_eating_a_burrito/
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Tried to catch fog today

Mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jjqt/tried_to_catch_fog_today/
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If I got a dollar every time someone called me a racist

Black people would rob me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jjau/if_i_got_a_dollar_every_time_someone_called_me_a/
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Three men in hell

Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins, they must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life. The alchohalic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke. The three men face their punishments happily. 80 years later, Satan opens their doors. The alchohalic had drank all the booze and was incredibly sick from a hangover that never cured. He pleaded for repentance, swearing to never drink again. The sex addict had not aged, and was being chased by several unattactive, horny old ladies. He begged Satan to let him go as he had learned his lesson. Finally, Satan openes the door to the pot head's room. To his surprise, non of the weed had been smoked. The pot head was sitting on the floor crying. He said to Satan, "Do you have a lighter man?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jisj/three_men_in_hell/
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Man in desperate need for a pee

A man is caught short on the high street, in desperate need of a piss. He finally finds a public toilet and rushes in. He see's there are 3 urinals, the left and right are taken so he bounds for the one in the middle.
But as he begins to pee, it doesn't come out as uniformly as expected, but instead sprays all over the place like a fountain.
After somehow talking himself out of a beating from the now dampened men either side of him, he apologises and tells them he's going to go to a doctor to see what the hell is going on.
After the humiliation of telling the doctor what has happened, he now has to get his penis out for the doctor to inspect it.
To both their surprise, they see that it is riddled with holes.
the doctor tells him he has never seen anything like it in his entire career, and hands over a card with a number on it.
The man asks, "oh, is this some sort of specialist?"
"not exactly" replies the doctor. "He teaches the flute. He'll be able to show you how to hold it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ji2b/man_in_desperate_need_for_a_pee/
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My best friend thinks I'm a stalker

...well he's not really my friend....yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jho6/my_best_friend_thinks_im_a_stalker/
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Walks into a Bar

A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure." "Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jhf2/walks_into_a_bar/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jhdw/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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What do you call sandpaper in Iraq?

A map.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55jbg6/what_do_you_call_sandpaper_in_iraq/
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The man entered his home

and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone has stolen every lamp in his house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55j22o/the_man_entered_his_home/
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An American, French and German soldiers end up in hell.

They are told that they will be given a second chance and all they have to do is go find and bring back the weapon they used to fight in the war with.
The German comes back first and brings back a pistol. He gets told that if he wants to go to heaven he has to shove it up his ass. So he starts to and is crying and barley does it and as soon as he does he is lifted up to heaven. The Frenchman is next and comes back with a bazooka. He gets told that if he wants to go to heaven he has to shove it up his ass as well. So he painfully starts to shove it up there with tears in his eyes when out of nowhere he breaks out laughing. When he is asked why hes laughing he says "the American is bringing back a tank"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55j1nz/an_american_french_and_german_soldiers_end_up_in/
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My math teacher used to call me average.

How mean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55j099/my_math_teacher_used_to_call_me_average/
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3 guys and a witch....

In a small village there is a long standing rumour that the nearby woods was inhabited by a witch, several missing people and some strange smoke from a seemingly abandoned hut had fuel the rumours for years.
One day three local men decided enough was enough and made way to the woods for a few days camping to disprove the rumours once and for all.
It was like any other camping trip fire, marshmallows and a good old sing song, after the men had wished each other goodnight they got in there sleeping bags and went to sleep, when they woke up they found themselves in a small hut with there hands zip-tied behind the chair they were sat on and there privates hanging out.
Before the men could question anything there was a bright flash and before them stood a witch.
"You have trespassed in my forest and for that you will pay" she said.
She walked slowly towards the first man and said "what do you do for a living?"
shocked and scared the man could only reply "barber"
As quick as a flash the witch grabbed a pair of scissors and chopped his penis off.
The other two men panicked and tried to break free but it was no good.
"And what about you" she said to the second man.
"Carpenter" he whelped
Quick as a flash she found a saw and proceeded to saw off he penis.
"And finally...." She said as she turned to the 3rd and final man.
But to her shock he was laughing with tears streaming down his face.
"What's so funny" she screamed at him.
"Well" he said
"I'm a lollipop man so your going to have to suck mine off"
I adapted this from an old joke I heard years ago hopefully it makes someone smile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55iynp/3_guys_and_a_witch/
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Did you hear about the physics student that committed suicide by jumping off a skyscraper?

What a shame. He had so much potential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55iyfz/did_you_hear_about_the_physics_student_that/
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What type of fruit can you not eat just one of?

A Pair!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ivgm/what_type_of_fruit_can_you_not_eat_just_one_of/
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I don't understand chinese philosophy.

It Confucius me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55iuu1/i_dont_understand_chinese_philosophy/
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, *"When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."*
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, *"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."*
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, *"It’s just 99 cents a word."*
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, *“I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”*
The telegraph operator shakes his head. *"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"*
The brunette explains, *"My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55iqzi/two_sisters_one_blonde_and_one_brunette_inherit/
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What did the policeman say to his stomach?

"You're under a vest!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55iqot/what_did_the_policeman_say_to_his_stomach/
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A nun hails a taxi cab...

...as she settles into her seat she notices the taxi driver sneaking peaks at her through the rear-view mirror. She says, "my son, can I help you with something?" He says, "sister, I have to admit, I've had this fantasy of...kissing a nun". She replies, "Oh, my son, I can help you with that as long as you are a good Catholic and not married". He says, "I go to mass every chance I get and I have not met 'the one' yet". So they pull over and escape to a dark alley and the nun smacks a big wet kiss right on the cabbie's lips. They hop back in the cab and start driving a bit more before the nun again looks in the mirror to see the cabbie sobbing profusely. She says, "my son, why are you crying? I gave you what you most desired!" He replies, "Sister, I feel too guilty, I'm not a Catholic and I am married!" She says, "Well I don't mind, my name is Dave and I'm on the way to a Halloween party!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ipzx/a_nun_hails_a_taxi_cab/
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Shoplifting

An old lady gets caught shoplifting. On court day the lady and her husband who goes with her stands before the judge and he says to her, "Why did you shoplift?" And she says "I was hungry." The judge says "What did you take?" She replys, "A can of peaches." So the judge trying to figure out how to punish her says, "How many peaches where in the can?" The lady says "6" so the judge says ok then 1 day per peach in jail that will be 6 days time served. The judge says would anyone like to say anything and her husband say,
"She stole a can of peas too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ipa6/shoplifting/
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I had sex for an hour and 45 seconds last night.

Thanks daylight savings!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55iohx/i_had_sex_for_an_hour_and_45_seconds_last_night/
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My Favorite Anti

Why was the Black Jew mad?
He had to sit at the back of the gas chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55iljd/my_favorite_anti/
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Castro joke I got from Cuban family members

Fidel Castro dies and because he thinks he is so great he goes to heaven. Once past the gates though, Saint Peter stops him and throws him out being the the watchful eye he is. In hell, the devil meets castro and gives him a warm welcome and tells his demons to get Castro's bags and bring them to his room. Castro however forgot them in heaven and the demons promptly go to retrieve the bags. They get to heaven but the gates have already shut and the demons have to start climbing the fence to get the bags. 2 Angels see this occurring and one remarks "Man, Castro isn't in hell for 5 minutes and we're already getting refugees"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55iko8/castro_joke_i_got_from_cuban_family_members/
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Sometimes I feel a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral
as in
Without an ion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ihwd/sometimes_i_feel_a_seal_is_just_a_neutral_sea_lion/
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Why can't ewoks yell in the house?

Because they have to use their Endor voices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ieyt/why_cant_ewoks_yell_in_the_house/
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Last night I lay in bed

...looking up at the beautiful stars shining in the night sky. And I thought to myself...
Where the heck is the ceiling?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55idv0/last_night_i_lay_in_bed/
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Some guy told me he could get 10 times as many women as I do

Joke's on him, 10 times zero is still zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55icph/some_guy_told_me_he_could_get_10_times_as_many/
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Good Night, Good Bye

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this -- "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.
My goodness, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55icgx/good_night_good_bye/
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Hellen Keller walks into a bar...

Then a chair, then a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55iac6/hellen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
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Hispanic and black jokes are really all the same...

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55i8do/hispanic_and_black_jokes_are_really_all_the_same/
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Did you hear about the 2 men who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55i59d/did_you_hear_about_the_2_men_who_stole_a_calendar/
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Mugged in D.C

A mugger stops a well-dressed man with a gun to his ribs and says  "Give me your money"
The man replies back "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"
"Oh! In that case," says the robber, "Give me MY money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55i358/mugged_in_dc/
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A boy walks in on his dad masturbating....

He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"
His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."
The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"
His dad answers, "Because my arms getting tired.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55i33b/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_dad_masturbating/
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what's the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?

one guest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55i1wh/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
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My wife hasn't spoken to me since I fingered her twin by mistake during a drunken dance at a wedding...

He's not happy about it either...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55i1a1/my_wife_hasnt_spoken_to_me_since_i_fingered_her/
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms ....

So they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55i10n/three_guys_go_to_a_ski_lodge_and_there_arent/
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A farmer was in a field with his cows, he counted 196 of them....

..... but when he rounded them up he had 200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55i0u6/a_farmer_was_in_a_field_with_his_cows_he_counted/
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A dad was teaching his baby how to speak....

Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Fuck , just say daddy!
Baby: Fuck, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I’m home!
Baby: Fuck!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55i0bm/a_dad_was_teaching_his_baby_how_to_speak/
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Three Men Were Standing In Line To Get Into Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55hyov/three_men_were_standing_in_line_to_get_into_heaven/
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A farmer had a duck

A farmer had a prize winning duck at his farm but the crop this year had gone bad so he told his 20 year old son to go sell the duck for money in town. When he goes into town a prostitute says "for £50 You can do whatever you want to me for
An hour" the farmers son says "all i have is a prize winning duck" she accepts and an hour later she says "if you can do that to me again you can keep the duck" so another hour goes by and the man leaves happy with his duck under his arm. He begins walking down the path but as a black car drives past the duck escapes the mans arm and flys into the road and gets hit by the car. a man gets out quickly and says" I'm so sorry I didn't see it and it came out of nowhere... how much do I owe you" the farmers son says "it was a prize winning duck" the man replies " how about £1000 for it?" The farmers son accepts and heads home happy. When he gets back his father asks how it went and the son says" I got a fuck for a duck a duck for a fuck and a thousand quid for a fucked up duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55hvk5/a_farmer_had_a_duck/
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Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop...

The first one says to the other:
Don't go that way, there's a cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55htfi/two_baloons_meet_each_other_in_a_garden_shop/
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No ears

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55htcd/no_ears/
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What's the difference between snow tires and slaves?

Slaves sing when chains are put on them.
PS - im going to church today to beg for forgiveness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55hrnb/whats_the_difference_between_snow_tires_and_slaves/
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My best friend turned his back on me when I told him I was gay...

That was his first mistake ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ho77/my_best_friend_turned_his_back_on_me_when_i_told/
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3 dogs meet at the vet...

There was 3 dogs at the vets and they got talking , one dog says to the other why are you here , he says ah I bark too much for my owner so she is going to put me to sleep and then says tell me why are you here and the second dog says , yeh pretty similar situation I chewed her red shoes so that's why I'm getting put to sleep , the third dog just looks at them didn't say anything, so they sit quietly for a second and the first dog says so why are you here same thing, he says no not really let me tell you a short story: the other day I walk into the bathroom and my owner is in there , she having a shower and getting dressed and she bending over drying her toes and I look at her slit and I bone up immediately so I just jumped up and seriously fucked her hard for a while , ah say the first and second dogs I see so that's why your getting put to sleep , the third dog scoffs and says no no I'm just getting my nails trimmed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55hn07/3_dogs_meet_at_the_vet/
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What performance enhancing drugs do penguins use?

Polaroids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55hkw4/what_performance_enhancing_drugs_do_penguins_use/
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What kind of moron invented the fire blanket

Surely fire is warm enough already?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55hbpp/what_kind_of_moron_invented_the_fire_blanket/
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How is marijuana stock sold on the stock market?

Buy high sell higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55hbai/how_is_marijuana_stock_sold_on_the_stock_market/
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My wife came home with a duck under her arm...

"This is the pig I've been fucking" she said
"That is a duck, not a pig" I replied
"I'm not talking to you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55hb2c/my_wife_came_home_with_a_duck_under_her_arm/
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My friend David lost his id last week

Now we just call him Dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55h9h4/my_friend_david_lost_his_id_last_week/
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What do we want?

Race car noises.
When do we want them?
Neoooooooooooooooooooooow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55h8w2/what_do_we_want/
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What do you call a dizzy Asian?

Disoriented.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55h7vo/what_do_you_call_a_dizzy_asian/
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I left my Adderral in my Ford Fiesta

I came back to a Ford Focus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55h7ca/i_left_my_adderral_in_my_ford_fiesta/
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How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb

None, because change can only come from a revolution of the working classes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55h6m7/how_many_liberals_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 15 people

Then the grenade exploded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55h656/chuck_norris_threw_a_grenade_and_killed_15_people/
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A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”
The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
The reporter says, “Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies “I’m a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I’m voting for Trump.”
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
“TRUMP SUPPORTER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55h4an/a_harley_biker_is_riding_by_the_zoo_in_washington/
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What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?

They both turn "o" into an "O".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55h43u/what_do_prison_and_the_caps_lock_button_have_in/
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[LONG] So a senator dies...

and is transported to the lobby of a hotel where he is greeted by a red skinned man, dressed in a sharp cut suit and a warm inviting smile.
"Welcome to Hell!" He exclaims, rushing the man out of the marble clad lobby. "Before you ask me who I am, I am the Devil and I am most pleased to announce to you, because of your service as such an important figure - you will get to spend a day in Hell, and a day in Heaven and choose where you want to go!"
Flabbergasted the former senator exclaims, "Why... I would want to be in Heaven wouldn't I!?" The Devil laughed.
"Sir, that is completely up to you - now we have big days planned for so please, think carefully about where you wish to go." It was at this point the senator was ushered into the most luxurious limousine he'd ever experienced and was whisked away down a boulevard reminiscent of the golden age of Hollywood; lined with gorgeous buildings, exquisite palm trees and beautiful people milling around the main street shops.
He was taken to a country club and was met with all of his former friends who greeted him with open arms and wide smiles and invited him out to play some golf.
The men reminisced, finished their game and went on to have the greatest meal of their lives in the clubhouse - champagne, filet mignon, lobster you name it it was probably on the table and that night the men headed to a hotel where they were allowed to indulge in whores and drugs.
Once the senator had fallen asleep he was awoken very early by the Devil who told him it was time to visit St. Peter. So he gets dressed and begrudgingly is led to an elevator in the lobby which will take him to meet St. Peter in heaven.
After what felt like an eternity the elevator stops and when the doors open he is met with a very short, very tired, very old man with a long flowing beard.
"Welcome to Heaven." He says, motioning the senator to follow him. IT was much different than Hell - everything was white and it looked like a hospital - long corridors which led to millions of different rooms, people all in robes floating about and something else he noticed was it was very, very quiet.
He milled about for the day, talking to people and learning about their past lives and becoming bored out of his damned mind wishing the day would end. Eventual it would and St. Peter comes up to him and says, "So senator, what will it be?"
"Well... in truth, I miss my friends and frankly, Hell was just so much more fun! This is just so boring and there is *nothing* to do! I want to be back in Hell!"
"As you wish," St. Peter said and with a flick of his wrist the senator is whisked away in a haze and suddenly lands quite hard on what feels like a bed of gravel.
He looks around and gasps.
The palm trees, buildings, people were nowhere to be seen, replaced by raging fires, demons and monsters, and various torturing of so many people around him. He turns his head and out of nowhere a half man, half goat creature appears and laughs at the man.
"I see you're mine now!" He exclaims. The senators breathes in deeply.
"M-my friends! The golf course! Where did it go!? Why am I here!?" This was met with an even more booming laugh.
"Senator one would think you'd be familiar with this game by now... yesterday we were merely campaigning. Today... you voted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55h3jj/long_so_a_senator_dies/
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A paladin and a warrior go into a mage's electronics store to buy computers.

The paladin asks for a Dell computer. The mage directs him to aisle five. The warrior asks for a Hewlett-Packard. The mage says "I'm all out of HP." The mage dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55h2u6/a_paladin_and_a_warrior_go_into_a_mages/
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Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55h0rx/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
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Why did the biker decline an invitation to the rally?

He was just two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55gw4l/why_did_the_biker_decline_an_invitation_to_the/
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My friend says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.

We'll just see about that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55gvz0/my_friend_says_i_have_an_unhealthy_obsession_with/
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The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man called a family meeting to discuss.

Dad: "This is unacceptable. I don’t use the home phone, I use my work phone."
Mum: "Me too. I hardly use the home phone. I use my office phone."
Puzzled, they shifted their gaze to their son.
Son: "Hey, don't look at me, I use my office mobile only."
The three of them now look at the maid who’s patiently listening to them.
Maid: “What? So we all use our work phones. What’s the big deal??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55guhx/the_phone_bill_was_exceptionally_high_the_man/
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55gqsr/why_couldnt_the_pirates_play_cards/
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Why did Jesus quit playing ice hockey?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55gqkq/why_did_jesus_quit_playing_ice_hockey/
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Toad was always my favorite Mario character

He just seems like a fungi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55gozw/toad_was_always_my_favorite_mario_character/
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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55gonm/my_favorite_joke_everyone_knows_dave/
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Lost in the -wild- NSFW

Man and the woman were getting down to business.. he slides the fingers, eventually then the hand, the arm and next thing you know he is all the way inside!
He is wandering around marvelling at this turn of events and finds himself lost when he spies another man looking very bedraggled and worn out
He says; Excuse me, I have been wandering around and seem to be lost after quite a hike, are you able to show me they way out?
The man replies; Son, if you help find my car keys then we can fucken drive out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55gh0f/lost_in_the_wild_nsfw/
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You know when geese are flying in a V,

one side of the V is always longer than the other one?  Know why that is?
Cause there's more geese on that side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ggyu/you_know_when_geese_are_flying_in_a_v/
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A powerful tornado tore through our town last night. So far, eight bodies have been found.

Plot twister. It only damaged the graveyard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ggr9/a_powerful_tornado_tore_through_our_town_last/
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I hate political jokes

And it disgusts me that two are running for president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ggjr/i_hate_political_jokes/
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I went to the club last night...

They played The Twist, so I did the twist. They played Jump, so I jumped. They played Come On Eilien... and I got kicked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55gfyr/i_went_to_the_club_last_night/
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A Trump supporter asked an opponent what the candidate should do for the American taxpayer.

The opponent laughed and said, "How about becoming one himself?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55gfyn/a_trump_supporter_asked_an_opponent_what_the/
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Hey There's 20 Letters in The Alphabet Right?

"Hey there's 20 letters in the alphabet right?"
"Umm, actually there's 26."
"Oh, I forgot U R A Q T."
"That's sweet, but you're missing a letter."
"Oh don't worry, you'll get the D later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55gfj4/hey_theres_20_letters_in_the_alphabet_right/
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The doctor said I have only a month to live

so I shot him. the judge gave me 50 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ge3h/the_doctor_said_i_have_only_a_month_to_live/
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I was sitting on a bus in Thailand across from a beautiful young lady. My shorts were a little tight and I was thinking, don't get a boner, don't get a boner...

But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ga7r/i_was_sitting_on_a_bus_in_thailand_across_from_a/
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Where do Star Trek fans work out?

At the He's Dead Gym.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55g6ka/where_do_star_trek_fans_work_out/
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man drives his father casket back to mexico...

Man puts the casket in his truck and hauls his father from oklahoma back and gets pulled over in texas.
State trooper pulls him over. He asked the man for his license and registration with proof of insurance.
Man pulls out his credentials and hands it to the state trooper.
Trooper looks at the license. "Sir your license is expired. And so is your insurance. What do you have in the truck?"
"A coffin with my father in it."
Trooper says. "He expired too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55g5su/man_drives_his_father_casket_back_to_mexico/
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What do Coors Light and sex in a canoe have in common?

They're both fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55g3jh/what_do_coors_light_and_sex_in_a_canoe_have_in/
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Few Saturdays I switch off the light and stay the whole night in darkness

So that the neighbors might think that I've an active social life...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55g0ql/few_saturdays_i_switch_off_the_light_and_stay_the/
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What's the best part about a Fight Club joke?

The punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55g09m/whats_the_best_part_about_a_fight_club_joke/
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I can't tell if I'm an alcoholic or a necrophiliac...

... I just love to crack open a cold one every once in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fzsi/i_cant_tell_if_im_an_alcoholic_or_a_necrophiliac/
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A recent study

has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fr5y/a_recent_study/
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Asians are such terrible drivers...

...I'm beginning to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fr4w/asians_are_such_terrible_drivers/
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Eevee

A de-evolving Eevee came across a war between the two factions of Eevees: the Flareons, Vaporeons, Jolteons, and Sylveons, and the Umbreons, Espeons, Glaceons, and Leafeons.
Deciding to play both sides, the Eevee snuck into one camp as a Fire type, and managed to gather some information about their tactics. He then crossed over, disguised as a Psychic type, and sold them the intel while gathering more of his own.
However, upon return as a Flareon, he was summarily executed on charges of Espeon-age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fqoe/eevee/
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If I could bring three items to a desert island I would bring a trapping guide, a water purifier, and a car door.

With the trapping guide I could lay snares so I wouldn't go hungry, with the purifier I could have a source of clean water so I wouldn't get thirsty, and with the car door I could roll the window down so I wouldn't get hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fojo/if_i_could_bring_three_items_to_a_desert_island_i/
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I almost had a heart attack when I saw a black man carrying a TV like mine.

Then I remembered mine was at home working in the garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fnyn/i_almost_had_a_heart_attack_when_i_saw_a_black/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55flrd/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Why did the bodybuilder go to the vet?

Because his pythons were sick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fl2c/why_did_the_bodybuilder_go_to_the_vet/
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How does the Asian chef get to work?

He woks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fhhr/how_does_the_asian_chef_get_to_work/
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What do you call it when a non-binary gendered couple has a legal dispute over custody of their children?

A transparency review.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fgla/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_nonbinary_gendered/
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Alcoholics don't run in my family...

...they mostly stumble around and bump into things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fd9h/alcoholics_dont_run_in_my_family/
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How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?

Leave it out in the sun until its Bill Withers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fd8s/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_blues_singer/
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What is a Canadian's favorite nirvana song?

All Apologies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fco1/what_is_a_canadians_favorite_nirvana_song/
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Hamsters are a lot like cigarettes

Completely harmless till you light one on fire and place it in your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fcif/hamsters_are_a_lot_like_cigarettes/
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While on vacation the desk clerk at the London hotel told me I'd only get the key to my room if I presented him with 250 pounds...

... so I introduced him to my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fbfk/while_on_vacation_the_desk_clerk_at_the_london/
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When is the Speech Therapy Class?

It's hard to say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fapg/when_is_the_speech_therapy_class/
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My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55fa68/my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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What do GTA and the third Reich have in common?

If you have a star, you are getting chased.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55f8ub/what_do_gta_and_the_third_reich_have_in_common/
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It's Jim's birthday

Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy  Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55f8li/its_jims_birthday/
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Recently I'm having a lot of bad dates!

I've to try grapes now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55f8a2/recently_im_having_a_lot_of_bad_dates/
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A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.'

The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55f5tt/a_woman_tells_her_doctor_ive_got_a_bad_back_the/
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The purple feather

Billy was walking to school when he spotted a purple feather on the side of the road . "A purple feather! I can't wait to show everyone"  he exclaimed. It was lunch time at school and Billy decided to show his friend Jacob. Jacob held the feather and asked "how did you find this?" Billy replied "I was walking to school and I found the feather on the side of the road. Class resumes and Billy is in science class. Mrs. Martha tells Billy to go to the hallway and she follows. " Jacob told me you found a purple feather is that true?" Billy replies "Yes! I was walking to school and noticed something on the side of the road, which turned out to be a purple feather. I then proceeded to tell Jacob." the teacher, fuming, sent Billy to the principals office. The principal asks "Alright, what happened?" Billy replied, "I was walking to school when I found a purple feather on the side of the road, I proceeded to tell my friend Jacob who then told Mrs. Martha who then got pissed and sent me  here."  the principal was disgusted and expelled Billy. Billy walked home confused as to why everyone is reacting so harshly. When Billy made it home his parents had already heard the news and were enraged. His mother yelled "WHY WERE YOU EXPELLED!" Billy replied, "I was walking to school and found a purple feather, which I told my friend Jacob, who told Mrs. Martha,who sent me down to the principal's office, who expelled me."  the parents couldn't take it and kicked him out of the house. A week later Billy was dirt poor and decided to go to the police for help. When he arrived at the police station, the cop asked him what happened and Billy said, "I was walking to school when I found a purple feather, then I told my friend Jacob , who told my teacher Martha, who sent me down to the principal, who expelled me, and then my parents kicked me out and I'm dirt poor." the cop arrested Billy and put him in maximum security prison. Billy was enraged as he didn't understand why everyone is reacting so harshly to a purple feather. A wise old man saw his breakdown and asked him what happened. "I was walking to school when I found a purple feather, which I told to my friend, who told my teacher, who sent me to the principal, who expelled me, then my parents evicted me, and the cops arrested me." "Do you want to know what the purple feather means?" said the old man. "yes!" exclaimed Billy. "South of this prison there is a cave, which will teleport you to a realm. You will then have to walk 10 miles, swim across the river, and climb the mountain. You will then find a hidden palace, cross the road and open the gate. There you will find your answer. " Billy teamed up with his cell mates and escaped prison. Just like the old man said the cave was there. He walked the 10 miles but came prepared with lots of water. He then swam across the river. Billy also came prepared with climbing gear and went up the mountain. At last Billy saw the palace. Billy began crossing the road, forgot to look both ways,and got hit by a car and died. The end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55f3d6/the_purple_feather/
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Why did the skeleton burp in the church ?

He didn't have the guts to fart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55f1c5/why_did_the_skeleton_burp_in_the_church/
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A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." *poof*

...He disappears without a tres!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55eydy/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
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My dad went to play golf...

On a sunny Saturday afternoon and was randomly paired up with a priest.  On the first hole, dad missed a three foot putt for par and said to himself "G*d damn it, I missed!"
The priest said to him "My son, please do not take the lord's name in vain."
On the second hole, my dad missed a two foot putt for par.  He was so mad, he said it again, this time even louder - "G*d Dammit!  I missed!"  The priest again said "Son!  Please do not take the lords name in vain!  You will anger him!"
On the third hole, my dad missed a one foot putt for a bird!  He was so mad that he threw his putter and screamed "G*D DAMMIT!  I MISSED!"  The priest just shook his head and muttered about G*d punishing him.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, huge grey clouds rolled in and darkened the sky.  The clouds burst and rain poured down.  Before the two golfers could get to shelter, a huge bolt of lightening came down from the sky and obliterated the priest, who was standing right next to my dad.
My dad was stunned, wondering what he had just witnessed.  Then he heard a booming, thunderous voice emanating from beyond the clouds... "G*d dammit!  I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55exrz/my_dad_went_to_play_golf/
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We had a safety meeting at work today.

They asked me "what steps would you take in event of a fire?
"Fucking big ones" was apparently not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55expr/we_had_a_safety_meeting_at_work_today/
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I hate it when people pretend they know everything about culture when they talk about Mozart

They probably have never seen any of his paintings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55exa3/i_hate_it_when_people_pretend_they_know/
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What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil Serpent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ew4a/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_works_for_the/
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What Bible verse keeps every student going?

Lunch 11:35.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55es9j/what_bible_verse_keeps_every_student_going/
%
If I had to choose between a stepstool and a device that let's me get even higher...

...I'd take the ladder.
(I'll just leave now)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55eq9a/if_i_had_to_choose_between_a_stepstool_and_a/
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Who is the only person to get 15 Million dollars from a Nigerian prince?

Hillary Clinton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55eont/who_is_the_only_person_to_get_15_million_dollars/
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I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked...

Not sure what scared him more; my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55eo5r/i_scared_the_postman_today_by_going_to_the_door/
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What do you call an arrogant convict coming down the stairs?

A condescending con, descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55en5v/what_do_you_call_an_arrogant_convict_coming_down/
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God and Lazarus

God said to Lazarus, "Come forth, and receive eternal life!"
However, Lazarus came fifth and received a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ekz3/god_and_lazarus/
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Talking about Donald Trump

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the Republican Nominee for President.
The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said,
"When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he's up there,
he's elevated beyond his ability to function,
and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ejvz/talking_about_donald_trump/
%
If You Have Never Seen A Galaxy Explode

Just head to the nearest Samsung store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55eidb/if_you_have_never_seen_a_galaxy_explode/
%
IT guy wants to be an astronaut

Why did the IT guy want to be an astronaut?
So he can find router space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55eg4p/it_guy_wants_to_be_an_astronaut/
%
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55eb3k/a_photon_is_going_through_airport_security_the/
%
What do you call a stoner with Down's Syndrome?

A Baked Potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55e6f6/what_do_you_call_a_stoner_with_downs_syndrome/
%
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician...

go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55e4nf/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_statistician/
%
A man came to my door today, and asked if I would donate to building the community pool

So I gave him a glass of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55dz8i/a_man_came_to_my_door_today_and_asked_if_i_would/
%
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong walked ON the moon, and Michael Jackson had sex with kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ds30/whats_the_difference_between_neil_armstrong_and/
%
A man walls into a bar...

He sees a woman with a duck, a priest, a rabbi, a Muslim, a redneck, an English man, a Scotish man, a Welsh man, an Irish man, a pirate with a parrot on his shoulder, and an orc with a parrot on his shoulder all sitting quietly at their tables, enjoying drinks and polite conversation.
The man approached the bartender, and said, "Unusual crowd tonight, eh?"
The bartender is cleaning a glass with a rag. He nods and says, "Yeah. You should have been here earlier. Some really funny shit happened."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55dr6x/a_man_walls_into_a_bar/
%
A man walks into a bar on top of a high rise

And sees another patron in a deep conversation with the bartender. As the man walks up and orders a beer, he can't help but hear the patron extolling the wonders of urban air currents to the visibly bored bartender.
"Yeah Murray, it's incredible. The speeds these updrafts can reach would blow your mind. In fact, it's enough to lift a grown man!"
The man can't help himself. At this point he butts into the conversation and calls it impossible.
"I'll prove it to you!" The patron shouts before running to a nearby window, hopping out, doing a little spin in midair and landing safely right back inside.
"How did you do that?"
"It's the air currents. Anyone, you could even do it!"
After much cajoling, drinking, and cocktail napkins filled with inebriated physics, the man agrees to trust the air currents. He runs to the window, hops out, and plunges hundreds of feet to his death.
The bartender looks over and says, "You're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55dpfx/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_on_top_of_a_high_rise/
%
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55do4d/i_was_wondering_why_the_baseball_was_getting/
%
I'm at a party right now and your mom is the only one waiting by the punchbowl.

Your mom is the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55dnb4/im_at_a_party_right_now_and_your_mom_is_the_only/
%
A guy in a bar is so drunk he can hardly stay on the stool.

The bartender says, "Hey pal, I think you had enough, I'm shutting you off."
"What for," says the guy.
"Because you're drunk," the bartender replies.
"I ain't drunk & I'll prove it," the lush says.  "See that cat coming in the door, he only has one eye."
The bartender says, "Wow buddy, you're more plastered than I thought.  That cat ain't coming in, he's going out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55dn2g/a_guy_in_a_bar_is_so_drunk_he_can_hardly_stay_on/
%
It seems I passed my mummy embalming exam...

It was a no brainer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55dlus/it_seems_i_passed_my_mummy_embalming_exam/
%
How do you know if someone was in the military?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55dl6a/how_do_you_know_if_someone_was_in_the_military/
%
Telling a girl to calm down:

works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55dknx/telling_a_girl_to_calm_down/
%
You're not fat, you're just...

easier to see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55dki0/youre_not_fat_youre_just/
%
What is similar between Sharks and Humans?

The Great ones are always white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55dj3q/what_is_similar_between_sharks_and_humans/
%
After many years of studying at a university,

I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55dhyl/after_many_years_of_studying_at_a_university/
%
If gravity were a person...

He'd be pretty down to earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55dgvv/if_gravity_were_a_person/
%
What kind of dog has a pH over 7?

Basic bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55deck/what_kind_of_dog_has_a_ph_over_7/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ddmx/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
What Did Cinderella say to the prince when she got to the ball?

Grgggll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55dbb9/what_did_cinderella_say_to_the_prince_when_she/
%
What's the worst part about dumping a Japanese girl?

You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55dak5/whats_the_worst_part_about_dumping_a_japanese_girl/
%
without nipples.......

boobs would be pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d9uw/without_nipples/
%
"Hey, wanna get hunted down by humans?"

"Sure, I'm game."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d81b/hey_wanna_get_hunted_down_by_humans/
%
An american dude, A French dude, and a Japanese dude barely survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive.
The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter.
The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us!
It gets decided that the Japanese dude would be in charge of supplies.
After kicking for hours they finally reach the shoreline, completely exhausted. The Japanese dude gets up and sprints with deer-like speed into the jungle. The American and French dudes look at each other and shrug, then get to work.
By the following evening, the American and French dudes have a reasonable shelter, a reliable firepit, and have enjoyed a few good meals. They decide to go on a search for their friend.
Hours go by as they trek the thick jungle, no sign of their friend anywhere. Just as they are about to give up, the Japanese guy jumps down from a tree, throws his arms up and yells out: SUPPLIES!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d7mx/an_american_dude_a_french_dude_and_a_japanese/
%
How did they come up with Canada's name?

Well first they picked a C, eh. Then an N, eh. Then a D, eh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d7k0/how_did_they_come_up_with_canadas_name/
%
When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d7ay/when_it_gets_cold_in_ireland_we_all_sit_round_a/
%
What do women call men who are shorter than 5'7"?

Friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d5lt/what_do_women_call_men_who_are_shorter_than_57/
%
Do you smoke?

Lady : Do you smoke ?
Man : Yes
Lady : How many packs a day ?
Man : 3 packs
Lady : How much per pack
Man : $10.00
Lady : And how long have you been smoking ?
Man : 15 years
Lady : So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be$10,800 correct ?
Man : Correct
Lady : If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct ?
Man : Correct
Lady : Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari ?
Man : Do you smoke ?
Lady : No
Man : Where's your Ferrari then ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d5kv/do_you_smoke/
%
What did the Alabama Sheriff call the black man with 20 bullet holes in his back?

The worst case of suicide he's ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d5dr/what_did_the_alabama_sheriff_call_the_black_man/
%
Have you seen the new iPhone card trick?

It's the one where all the jacks dissappear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d4t9/have_you_seen_the_new_iphone_card_trick/
%
A tough piece of back tarmac is having a pint at the bar.

The bartender notices a muscled red piece of tarmac enter the bar, and asks the black piece if he could take him in a fight.
'Of course mate, he's a fucking bus lane.'
A little while later, a blue piece of tarmac enters the bar. The bartender again asks if the black piece could beat him up.
'Listen, he's a fucking disabled parking space. No problem.'
Shortly after, a green piece of tarmac enters the bar, and once again the bartender asks if the black piece is tougher.
'Oi, keep your bloody voice down! I'm not messing with that guy, he's a fucking cycle path!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d4gn/a_tough_piece_of_back_tarmac_is_having_a_pint_at/
%
What Movie does Hillary Watch when she's in a Bad Mood..?

Kill Bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d3y0/what_movie_does_hillary_watch_when_shes_in_a_bad/
%
People who claim to talk to God are so delusional..

I've never talked to any of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d2w7/people_who_claim_to_talk_to_god_are_so_delusional/
%
A boat carrying red paint, and a boat carrying blue paint, both crash into each other.

The crew are now marooned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d2e7/a_boat_carrying_red_paint_and_a_boat_carrying/
%
Back in the pioneer days...

A couple traveling west saw an old Native American man with his ear pressed to the ground, unmoving. As they approached, the man's eyes slowly opened and he said:
"Large wagon train. Fifty wagons. Lead cart has team of five horses. Half wagons covered, half not. Cart in middle have chip in wheel. Last wagon have team of three. One brown, one black, one tan. Tan horse have cropped tail."
The pioneers, shocked, said, "That's amazing! You can hear all that just by putting your ear to the ground?"
The old brave replied, "No. Ran over me half hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d1xe/back_in_the_pioneer_days/
%
What does Trumps Hair and a Thong have in common..?

They both barely cover the asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55d172/what_does_trumps_hair_and_a_thong_have_in_common/
%
I walked into this restaurant near the beach half naked and they wouldn't serve me..

It's like they've never seen a penis before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55cylm/i_walked_into_this_restaurant_near_the_beach_half/
%
Girlfriend

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said, 'Alright, fatty.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55cwr3/girlfriend/
%
If I had to describe myself in one word...

...it would be "bad at following directions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55cvx3/if_i_had_to_describe_myself_in_one_word/
%
Two black guys are in a car, who's driving?

The cop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55cucz/two_black_guys_are_in_a_car_whos_driving/
%
What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?

One's a sick duck, and I forget how the rest goes but your mother is a whore.
-"Sean Connery"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55cu54/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_a_mallard/
%
I got chatting with a girl in a bar....

"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that!" she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.
A few drinks later, we kissed and cuddled and headed back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ct0t/i_got_chatting_with_a_girl_in_a_bar/
%
A girl asked me whether I preferred breasts or thighs

I replied , " I prefer bubble butts and double D's"
Then I got kicked out of KFC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55crlx/a_girl_asked_me_whether_i_preferred_breasts_or/
%
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names,

a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55cqbs/in_pharmacology_all_drugs_have_two_names/
%
A man walked into his house and was delighted...

...when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55cq2j/a_man_walked_into_his_house_and_was_delighted/
%
Joke from my daughter

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me:??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55co3h/joke_from_my_daughter/
%
Little April wasn't the best student in Sunday school

Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.  "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.  "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question.  "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"  And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.  This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!" The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55clzu/little_april_wasnt_the_best_student_in_sunday/
%
I thought my wife had Tourette Syndrome.

Turns out I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ckk1/i_thought_my_wife_had_tourette_syndrome/
%
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
'Monsieur, the reason I stole the paintings is I had no Monet to buy Degas To make the Van Gogh. I know I had de gaulle, but I figured I had nothing Toulouse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55cgru/a_thief_in_paris_planned_to_steal_some_paintings/
%
What's the difference between my dick and a motorcycle?

Your mom hasn't ridden a motorcycle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ceza/whats_the_difference_between_my_dick_and_a/
%
I'm trying to make out with my gf tonight without sucess. Any activity subjection?

Not movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55cenu/im_trying_to_make_out_with_my_gf_tonight_without/
%
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a car. The car crashes. Who survived?

*America.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55cei5/donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton_are_in_a_car_the/
%
Where can you go on Reddit to ask questions?

Not /r/movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55cehz/where_can_you_go_on_reddit_to_ask_questions/
%
Young couple getting married...

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate. After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven". "Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" "You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration,slamming his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple". "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55cbp8/young_couple_getting_married/
%
[Long] My favorite Red Dwarf joke

Lister: Sometimes, I think it's cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with Artificial Intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea: no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored just going from his local to the flat. They wanted to see the world, like, you know. He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down, you know.
Rimmer: Is this true?
Lister: Yeah. Last thing he heard, they'd sort of, erm, robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, you see.
Rimmer: Really?
Lister: Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him... he said it was alright and all that, like, and that the shoes were happy and that they'd gone to heaven. You see, it turns out shoes have 'soles'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55c73u/long_my_favorite_red_dwarf_joke/
%
Some day, Canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55c4yn/some_day_canada_will_take_over_the_world/
%
How Can You Tell It's Fall In Florida?

When the color of the license plates start to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55bzo8/how_can_you_tell_its_fall_in_florida/
%
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”

Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55bz9h/rené_descartes_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender/
%
What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55bywo/what_did_the_dna_say_to_the_other_dna/
%
A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55bykf/a_mathematician_wanders_back_home_at_3_am_and/
%
How do you milk a sheep and make a profit?

Remove the audio jack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55bwsf/how_do_you_milk_a_sheep_and_make_a_profit/
%
I don't understand why people are so upset about Harambe

I mean, gorillas get shot by white cops all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55br6n/i_dont_understand_why_people_are_so_upset_about/
%
My roommate claims I'm schizophrenic.

Jokes on him.
I don't have a roommate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55boxn/my_roommate_claims_im_schizophrenic/
%
The government just built an underground prison. They call it Concave.

It's full of convex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55borq/the_government_just_built_an_underground_prison/
%
A man is with his wife who's filling up their flat tire with air...

"Since when do you need to pay to fill up a tire?" says the wife.
"I don't know," replies the husband. "But I'm sure it has something to do with inflation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55bk8d/a_man_is_with_his_wife_whos_filling_up_their_flat/
%
Santa brings a boy a bike..

A little boy was riding his new bike and he comes to a corner where there is a cop on a horse.
The cop looks down at the boy and says, "Hey, that's a neat bike.  Did Santa bring you that bike for Christmas?"
The boy smiles and replies, "Yes, yes he did!!"
The cop gets down off his horse and gets out his ticket book and tells the boy (as he writes a ticket), "Next year you tell Santa that bike needs a reflector, and a light, it needs a horn, you need a helmet.."
Gives the boy the ticket and gets back up on his horse.
The little boy looks up at the cop and says, "Hey, did Santa bring you that horse for Christmas??"
The cop smiles and says, "Yes, he did"
The boy says, "Well next year tell Santa to put the DICK underneath the HORSE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55bimx/santa_brings_a_boy_a_bike/
%
Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist?

Because they could've easily fit another pair of tits in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55bfjt/why_is_the_part_of_a_woman_between_her_hips_and/
%
The little lizard was shocked when he found out how he was conceived.

Anole sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55bcs5/the_little_lizard_was_shocked_when_he_found_out/
%
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's table?

Circumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55bc6n/who_was_the_roundest_knight_at_king_arthurs_table/
%
How do you tell the difference between Male and Female ghosts?

One has boooooobs.
The other gets full pay at their jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55bc3j/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_male_and/
%
Earthworm

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leavecs in the yard. The
little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,
"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather
replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp
to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,
and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back
out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55bb8x/earthworm/
%
During a commercial airline flight

an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next
to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance
to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude,
the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent
on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
".....and all these years, I've been chewing gum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55bawb/during_a_commercial_airline_flight/
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger is a Republican whose wife is a member of the Kennedy family.

That makes him and his family...The Red Kennedys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55b72t/arnold_schwarzenegger_is_a_republican_whose_wife/
%
what do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hairline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55b6kl/what_do_you_call_10_rabbits_marching_backwards/
%
An old man wins the lottery.

He goes to his synagogue, walks up to his rabbi and says "I want to donate 10 million dollars to the synagogue on one condition." the rabbi's eyes start to sparkle and he replies "Of course sir, whatever you wish we will do." The old man states "I want you to erect a statue of Adolf Hitler in your courtyard" The look in the rabbi's eyes turns to rage as he states "Why would you want us to commit this travesty to our people?" the old man shrugs, lifts up his sleeve and says "He gave me the winning numbers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55b5k5/an_old_man_wins_the_lottery/
%
Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”
Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”
Bill: “No, but my sister has.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55b43z/frank_was_getting_ready_to_go_on_a_trip_to_new/
%
I was going to post a joke about radical Islam...

but I feel that would be self-destructive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55b1c3/i_was_going_to_post_a_joke_about_radical_islam/
%
Getting a girlfriend is a lot like getting a car

The more money you have, the more options you have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55azze/getting_a_girlfriend_is_a_lot_like_getting_a_car/
%
Did you hear about the orchestra that got electrocuted?

Some blame it on the conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55axcn/did_you_hear_about_the_orchestra_that_got/
%
Wheather you have a lot of sex or watch porn frequently...

without propper protection you're going to catch a virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55awtj/wheather_you_have_a_lot_of_sex_or_watch_porn/
%
When my friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo...

...I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55atud/when_my_friend_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a/
%
A white guy is standing next to a black guy at a urinal.

The white guys says "How do I get a dick like that?"
Black guy says "Tie a string off the end of your cock and hang a coke bottle off it for two weeks"
Fast forward two weeks and the guys are standing at the urinal together again. The black guy says "So how's it going, did my advice work?" The white guy says "Well, I'm halfway there". Black guy says "What do you mean half way?" White guy says "It's black"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ar4z/a_white_guy_is_standing_next_to_a_black_guy_at_a/
%
My gay friend got fired from the sperm bank.

They caught him drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55anse/my_gay_friend_got_fired_from_the_sperm_bank/
%
Jesus and his disciples are sat around the Last Supper table...

Jesus and his disciples are sat around the Last Supper table. They're all talking and debating when suddenly Jesus stands up from the table.
A hush falls across the room.
Jesus looks around, picks up a goblet of wine and says, ''This is my blood, take it and drink it''.
So he passes the goblet around and the disciples all take a sip.
He then picks up a loaf of bread and says, ''This is my body, take it and eat it''.
So he passes around the loaf and the disciples all take a bite.
He then reaches for a jar of mayonnaise and Judas pipes up, ''Ah now for fuck's sake Jesus''...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ajsz/jesus_and_his_disciples_are_sat_around_the_last/
%
What did the surrealist butcher name his shop?

Salvador Deli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ah7t/what_did_the_surrealist_butcher_name_his_shop/
%
How do you figure out that your girlfriend is getting too fat?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55aglm/how_do_you_figure_out_that_your_girlfriend_is/
%
What do you call milk at the edge of a cliff?

Legendary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ag75/what_do_you_call_milk_at_the_edge_of_a_cliff/
%
Why were the letters a-y banned?

They were all nazis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ag0x/why_were_the_letters_ay_banned/
%
If you are ever attacked by a group of clowns...

Always go for the juggler.
.
.
.
Credit: /u/CartoonsAreForKids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55afdm/if_you_are_ever_attacked_by_a_group_of_clowns/
%
I may be schizophrenic ...

But at least I have each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55adox/i_may_be_schizophrenic/
%
A man dies and goes to Heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven, he goes to the gates and meets St. Peter. He sees a wall of clocks and. Ask "what's with all the clocks? They all have different times" St. Peter replies "they represent people's lies. The more they lie, the more they turn." He looks around and sees a clock that never moved and asks "whose clock is that, it looks like it's still" St. Peter replies "That's St. Theresa's, she's never told a lie." He then sees a clock and asks "whose clock is that? It looks like it barely moved" St. Peter replies "That's Abraham Lincoln, he only told 2 lies". The man continues to look around and asks "Where's Hillary Clinton's?" St. Peter replies "Oh, that's in God's office. He uses it as a ceiling fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55ad85/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
What I learned from small crosses placed along the roadside with flowers.

Christians are horrible drivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55aayx/what_i_learned_from_small_crosses_placed_along/
%
A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane..

A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts.
The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $50
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55a8iw/a_blonde_who_finds_herself_sitting_next_to_a/
%
Why was yellow angry at red?

Red blue green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55a6cl/why_was_yellow_angry_at_red/
%
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed.....

.........when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55a4vx/a_husband_and_wife_are_sitting_quietly_in_bed/
%
Did you guys see the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer match?

Egypt 8 ..  Ethiopia didn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55a0nj/did_you_guys_see_the_score_of_the_egypt_vs/
%
It's prom season

So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom, and he's got a lot of work to do.
First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store.  But there's a huge tuxedo line at the store.  Finally, he gets out of there and realizes he has to buy a corsage, so he goes to a florist.  But there's this big long corsage line at the florist,  He eventually gets the corsage and he has his tux, and he remembers he needs a a limo,  But there's this long line when he gets to the limo place.
Finally, after waiting and making all the arrangements, it's the night of the prom.  He picks her up and takers her down there to get in, but there's this enormous ticket line at the door.  They get in and start dancing and having fun, and she says to him, "I'm hungry," so he goes to get her some food, but there's this huge buffet line,  He gets her food and they eat and they're dancing again and she says, "Now I'm thirsty, can you get me a drink?"
So he goes and gets her a drink and there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55a02l/its_prom_season/
%
A man tells a woman...

"I bet you 5 bucks that I make your boobs move without touching them"
The woman, confident there was no possible way, accepts the offer.
The man then grabs the woman's breasts and gives her $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/559ywz/a_man_tells_a_woman/
%
A Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/559ykl/a_redneck_divorce/
%
Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought..

A wife had just made her husband a nice breakfast as she was in need of a few things and her husband was just a complete A** Hole.
So, the husband is reading the paper, and the wife says, "Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought, well something is wrong with it, it won't go into the spin cycle and I was hoping you could take a look at it and see if you could fix it."
Husband lowers the news paper and says, "What do I look like, the Maytag repair man, you call up the place where we bought that washer and you have somebody come out and fix it."
Wife continues, "Honey, you know that truck we just got, well it won't go into reverse, I was hoping you could take a look at it and see if you couldn't fix it."
Husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Good Wrench?  You call up the place where we got that truck and you have somebody else come out and fix it."
Husband leaves for work and there is a knock at the door.  It is the neighbor, Fred.
Fred says, "I couldn't help but over hear your conversation with your husband and I think I could help you out.. I can take a look at your truck and your washer and I think I can fix them for you."
Wife says, "Oh, Fred that would be wonderful.  But what would you want for helping?"
Fred says, "Well you can either bake me a cake or give me a blow job"
Later the husband comes home and wife says, "Fred came over and he fixed the the truck and the washer."
Husband says, "Oh no.  Fred never does anything for free.  What did he want for helping?"
Wife says, "Well he said I can either bake him a cake or give him a blow job"
Husband says, "And what did you do??"
Wife says, "Well what do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/559nk1/honey_you_know_that_new_washing_machine_we_just/
%
How do you separate two blind people fighting?

You just simply shout:
"I'm supporting the one with the knife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/559kn7/how_do_you_separate_two_blind_people_fighting/
%
Chong Lee is on his deathbed

and knows the end is near. His nurse, his
wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
So, he says to them: "Kwon, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"Chai, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"Mando, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Maj, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
banks of the river."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Chong slips says,
"Mrs. Lee, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to accumulated all this property."
Maj replies, "Property ? The asshole had a paper route!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/559jks/chong_lee_is_on_his_deathbed/
%
The Flat Earth Society

Has members all around the globe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/559jgq/the_flat_earth_society/
%
I was waiting in line for soup at my favorite Vietnamese food truck...

When this guy pushes in front to place his order.
I'm like, "Dude, pho queue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/559gp8/i_was_waiting_in_line_for_soup_at_my_favorite/
%
What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?

He got lemonaids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/559dm7/what_happened_when_the_orange_slept_with_the/
%
Whats the difference between a wife and a job?

After ten years the job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/559bgx/whats_the_difference_between_a_wife_and_a_job/
%
A man went to see a therapist.

He said "Doc, my motorbike has become sentient. It gets angry whenever it runs out of gas and physically assaults me! I go fill it up, but then I have to visit the hospital for my injuries and wind up paying thousands of dollars' worth of medical bills. That means I don't have money left for gas, so the bike runs out again, gets mad again, and beats me up again! It all just keeps happening over and over!"
The therapist looks up from his notes and goes, "Sounds like a vicious cycle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/559bat/a_man_went_to_see_a_therapist/
%
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/559ac4/a_police_officer_accidentally_arrested_a_judge/
%
If you feel like procrastinating...

...Just do it tomorrow instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5597fq/if_you_feel_like_procrastinating/
%
Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial

SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5595rd/hi_welcome_to_my_makeup_tutorial/
%
So two astronauts walk into a club on the moon...

One says to the other, "Let's bounce, this place has no atmosphere"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55923h/so_two_astronauts_walk_into_a_club_on_the_moon/
%
A classroom full of freshman medical students is anxiously awaiting their first human anatomy lesson..

when the door opens and the professor rolls in a naked dead body of an old man lying face down. He places it in the center of lecture hall and in a stiff voice says
"Before learning human anatomy there are only two important things you need to remember"
"First is you should be fearless", saying this he sticks his finger in the dead-body's butthole and puts it in his mouth.
Seeing this the students are stunned and disgusted, the professor says in a commanding voice
"Everyone line up and do what i just did", hesitatingly every student repeat what their professor did.
After the initial commotion settles down and everyone's had their turn, the professor says
"The second thing you need to remember is having a keen sense of observation, just like how I stuck my index finger in and put my ringfinger in my mouth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5591xd/a_classroom_full_of_freshman_medical_students_is/
%
He just wanted to go fishing.

There is a man who spent the entire day watching the fishing channel. He finally gets bored of television so he goes to the kitchen where his wife is and says "Listen honey, I have just declared it. We are going on a fishing trip, you, me and the dog." The wife then replies "No way, I don't wanna go fishing."
The man then replies "Well then I'm going to give you 3 options.
1. You can give me a blowjob
2. I can f*ck you up the ass or
3. You can just suck it up and go fishing w/me and the dog. Now I'm going to the garage and get everything I need ready. I'll be back in an hour and you better have your answer.  So he goes to the garage, prepares everything and comes back in an hour as promised.
"Well, so what do you want to do?" the man asks. "I'll give you a blow job." the wife replies. So she starts sucking his dick and after 10 seconds, she starts complaining "Oh my God, this is disgusting, your dick tastes like absolute shit."
The man then replies "Yeah, well the dog didn't wanna go either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5590yg/he_just_wanted_to_go_fishing/
%
So a dodo and a camel are walking along a beach...

When all of a sudden they come across a genie lamp half buried in the sand. Feeling pretty amped about the whole situation; they rub the lamp and out comes the genie.
In a regal tone, the genie introduced himself: "Good morrow sirs! I am Jean the Genie, and as the rubbers of the lamp you are each to be granted three wishes!"
"Fuck yeah," replied the dodo, "I will go first! I wish I was the only male dodo on this beach!"
"Jesus man, you're the only fucking dodo on the beach already," said the camel, but it was too late and this wish was done. Shaking his head, camel said "I just wish my feet didn't ache so bad," and so it was.
"Ok, ok... Poor wording," the dodo said, "I wish I was the only male dodo in the whole world! God, I'm going to get so much ass." POOF, all the male dodos on earth vanished.
"Alright, I wish my humps did not hurt so badly." The camel said, and just like that the pain subsided.
"You each have one wish left." said Jean, "I advise you both to ponder your last wish deeply."
"Yeah Camel, don't waste your last fucking wish on some lame ailment," Dodo chortled, "it's not everyday you get a chance like this. I wish all the babe dodos to be absolutely bodacious." And just like that, the babe dodos were total babes.
With a wry smile on his face, the camel looked over at the dodo, and then back at Jean. "I wish the dodo was gay."
And that's how the dodos went extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5590vq/so_a_dodo_and_a_camel_are_walking_along_a_beach/
%
Sir, I pulled over a VIP and I'm not sure what to do.

When the Pope was visiting Philadelphia, PA this past year there was an incident that did not get any coverage in the news.  The Pope after leaving the church went to his limosuine and was feeling a bit impulsive and decided he wanted to drive.  So he asked the limo driver if he could drive, the driver decided he had to give the Pope want he want so he got out of the driver seat and into the back and the Pope got into the driver seat and took off.  He was driving around 1am and approached a redlight and to him it's just a warning, he just looks both ways before rolling through.  A cop sees him and pulls him over.  The officer walks up to the driver side of the limo the Pope rolls down his window and the officer recognizes him and realizes he has a problem.  He goes back to his car, gets on his radio and contacts he Sergeant.
He says, "Sarge, I got a problem."
"Whats the problem son?"
The office replies, "I pulled over a VIP and I don't know if I should write him up."
"Well, what did he do?"
"He ran a red light."
"Well write him up."
"But Sarge he's pretty big."
"Well write him up anyway we really need to set an example
"Sir I don't think I can write this guy up."
"Son, why not who is it?"
"Sir, I don't know but I cant write him up"
"Son, this doesn't make any sense to me, how big?  Who is it?"
"Sir, I don't know but the Pope is his limo driver"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55903x/sir_i_pulled_over_a_vip_and_im_not_sure_what_to_do/
%
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”

The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558y9l/a_german_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_martini/
%
My hair is so long, it started growing it’s own hair.

Don’t take that too seriously, it's metafollicle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558xm2/my_hair_is_so_long_it_started_growing_its_own_hair/
%
I'd love to give the man who invented Incognito mode a cookie.

Sadly it was erased.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558v7r/id_love_to_give_the_man_who_invented_incognito/
%
Capital letters.

It's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558uva/capital_letters/
%
Made in .......

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558uan/made_in/
%
Everytime someone cuts me off in traffic, an angel gets its wings

Because I'm going to kill a motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558sz0/everytime_someone_cuts_me_off_in_traffic_an_angel/
%
Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558smy/why_did_the_console_player_cross_the_road/
%
A lot of people say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

Stephen Hawking disagrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558rgz/a_lot_of_people_say_that_what_doesnt_kill_you/
%
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs...

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"
The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said: "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558pzj/a_girl_realized_that_she_had_grown_hair_between/
%
How do you make a blind person scream?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558pjs/how_do_you_make_a_blind_person_scream/
%
A man receives marriage-saving advice from his buddy on how to hide his drinking shenanigans, and here's how he uses it.

John comes home stumbling drunk with vomit on his jacket.
His wife is tired of this behavior, and gives him an ultimatum, "John, you're my husband and I love you. I don't even mind that you drink. But I swear to god if you come home this drunk again, I'm leaving you."
John nods his head in shame, showers, and sleeps on the couch.
The very next day, John gets coaxed by his buddies to go out drinking. John calls his wife, "honey, I'm going out for happy hour, I promise I won't come home drunk. I love you."
"OK...because you know what'll happen if you do," she warns.
"I know," John says.
Invariably, John gets absolutely hammered, and vomits all over his jacket and shirt yet again.
"That's it! I've lost my marriage," he tells his buddy, Steve.
Steve then puts a $10 bill in John's jacket and pats his back. "I've got you. When you go home to your wife, tell her some drunk idiot threw up on you, and immediately pull out the $10 and tell her he gave it to you to pay for the dry cleaning bill. Works with my wife all the time," Steve says.
"That's brilliant," John slurs in excitement.
A few hours later, John comes through the door, stumbling.  His wife instantly sees the vomit and is takes a deep breath as she readies her launch into a tirade....
John stops her and says, "Wait wait wait, I only had two drinks. This drunk accidentally stumbled onto me, and the idiot threw up on me!" John smoothly pulls money out of his pocket, "look, he even gave me $10 to pay for the dry cleaning bill!"
The wife stares before asking, "Wait, how come there are 2 $10 bills?"
John confidently replies, "Oh, that was from this other drunk who shat my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558piq/a_man_receives_marriagesaving_advice_from_his/
%
A mathematician and engineer walk into a bar and see a beautiful woman

They are both told that every ten seconds they could move halfway the distance from the beautiful girl. The mathematician runs away crying. When he was asked why he ran away, he said, "Well, if I keep on moving up half the distance, I'll never get to zero. I'd never get to her!" The engineer got to the beautiful girl, though. When asked why he didn't run away, he said, "Well, if I move up halfway the distance every ten seconds, I wouldn't get to zero, but I'd get close enough to her for practical purposes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558muu/a_mathematician_and_engineer_walk_into_a_bar_and/
%
An amoralist, a nihilist, and a world-weary cynic walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors in here.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558mr8/an_amoralist_a_nihilist_and_a_worldweary_cynic/
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Three men brought four cigarettes onto a boat, but then realized they had no lighters or matches. What do they do?

Throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558mg4/three_men_brought_four_cigarettes_onto_a_boat_but/
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So Pepe is now an international hate symbol...

FeelsBadMan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558m48/so_pepe_is_now_an_international_hate_symbol/
%
Donald trump is asked "What is 2+2?"

I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy, but he's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558j1d/donald_trump_is_asked_what_is_22/
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The lesbian couple next door got me a Rolex for my birthday...

I think they misheard me when I said "I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558i7m/the_lesbian_couple_next_door_got_me_a_rolex_for/
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A man gets a tattoo

A man decides to get a tattoo.  As he is getting married,  he decides to get a tattoo of his wife's name,  Wendy, on his dick.
He gets it tattooed when hard,  so when he is soft, it only says 'Wy'.
They get married and go to honeymoon in Jamaica. While there, they go to a restaurant. At one point, the man goes to the bathroom. While pissing,  he sees that the man next to him has 'Wy' tattooed on his dick.
He asks him if he,  too,  tattooed 'Wendy' on his dick.
'No' says the man. 'Mine says:' Welcome to Jamaica. Please enjoy your stay''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558i2d/a_man_gets_a_tattoo/
%
There once was a farmer...

There once was a farmer who was very overprotective of his three daughters.
Turned out that all of his daughters had dates that same night. So he went on to the porch with his shotgun and waited for the dates to come.
The first boy came and said, "*Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here for Betty to go out for spaghetti. Is she ready?*"
The farmer thought he was decent and let him go with his daughter.
The second boy came and said, "*Hello, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo to go see a show. Is she ready to go?*"
The farmer thought he was decent as well and let them go on their date.
The last boy came and said, "*Hi, I'm Chuck-*"
*BANG!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/558hgf/there_once_was_a_farmer/
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I heard women love a man in uniform.

Can’t wait to start working at McDonalds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5587fx/i_heard_women_love_a_man_in_uniform/
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What's the difference between a paycheck and a D**k?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5587f5/whats_the_difference_between_a_paycheck_and_a_dk/
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Why didn't the conspiracy theorist make his irreverently named pet sleep outside?

Because 9/11 was an inside dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5585f7/why_didnt_the_conspiracy_theorist_make_his/
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A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal.  Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."
"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."
"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color."
The prince says. "I rather like the Turkish bulls.  Fine specimens indeed."
"Excellent choice, your majesty.  But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you.  But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color.  Or they will reject you." The Russian explains.
"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull.  I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf.  I rather like this big, beige bull over here."
The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull.  It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.
The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.
"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.
"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55807p/a_saudi_prince_wants_to_buy_a_bull_so_he_goes_to/
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Doctor, doctor! I only have 59 seconds to live!

Just a minute!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55803n/doctor_doctor_i_only_have_59_seconds_to_live/
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I ain't votin' for Trump

He wants to build a wall and walls are what killed Dale Earnhardt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557ztq/i_aint_votin_for_trump/
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A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve.

They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557wnb/a_couple_is_walking_in_st_petersburg_square_on/
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Tommy's absence from school

Tommy walks into his class after being off for a few days. Teacher gets on his case asking where he has been? Why did no one inform the school, is he aware what he's missed. She is put on the back foot however when Tommy responds "Sorry Miss. But my dad was in an accident the other day, and was burned."
Now in a concerned voice she says "oh. I'm sorry to hear that. Was he badly burned?"
"Yes Miss, they really don't fuck about at the crematorium"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557qrc/tommys_absence_from_school/
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I have the body of a God...

...unfortunately it's Buddha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557pur/i_have_the_body_of_a_god/
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What do you call ill-mannered burst of strong wind in the desert?

Darude Sandstorm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557mhx/what_do_you_call_illmannered_burst_of_strong_wind/
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What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557kjm/what_do_you_get_if_you_drop_a_piano_down_a_mine/
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HELP! I just sent my girlfriend a dick pic...

and she just sent me one back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557jtj/help_i_just_sent_my_girlfriend_a_dick_pic/
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If you are ever attacked by a group of clowns...

Always go for the juggler.
.
.
.
Credit: /u/CartoonsAreForKids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557jad/if_you_are_ever_attacked_by_a_group_of_clowns/
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Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557igw/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard

and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 10 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 10 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 10 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557i9y/two_guys_sneak_into_a_farmers_orchard/
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A Christian, a Buddhist, a Muslim and a Hindu

were at a waterfall as they were being chased by some people who they pissed off.
They had no way out, except to jump down the dangerous waterfall.
The Christian went first, and on his way down, he prayed his God's name. When he landed in the water, he was unscathed.
The Buddhist, seeing this incident, decided to do likewise. He jumped down, praying his God's name in the process. When he landed in the water, he was unscathed.
The Muslim, seeing that it worked for 2 of his friends, decided to do likewise. Thus he plunged down, praying his God's name in the process. When he landed in the water, he was unscathed.
Finally, the Hindu decided that since all 3 of his friends went down and were seemingly not hurt, he followed suit, praying his God's name.
However, he didn't make it as he didn't finish praying his God's name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557b7y/a_christian_a_buddhist_a_muslim_and_a_hindu/
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The blonde and brunette bank robbers

A blonde and brunette are parked outside a bank with ski masks on.
"Remember the plan.  You ready?" the brunette asks.
"Ready as I'll ever be," the blonde eagerly replies.
The blonde rushes into the bank while the brunette keeps the car running.  5 minutes pass, then 10, then 20, then 30..  "What the hell is taking her so long!" the brunette tells herself.
Finally the blonde comes out running and ties a rope end to the car, hops in, and the brunette tails it.  The safe bursts through the door rolling on the street behind the car followed shortly afterwards by a bank guard running in vain behind with his pants halfway down calling after them.
"What the fuck happened in there?!" the brunette demands.
"I promise, I was just following the plan!" the blonde replies.
The brunette facepalms and says, "I thought I made myself clear... You were supposed to blow the *safe* and *tie up* the guard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557ac2/the_blonde_and_brunette_bank_robbers/
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A man was invited to a wedding

When he reached the hotel, he found two doors with two signs written
1. Bride Relatives
2. Groom Relatives
He entered the groom's door and and found another two doors
1. Ladies
2. Men
He entered the Men's door and found two more doors
1. People with gifts
2. People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts) and found himself outside of the hotel premises

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557a71/a_man_was_invited_to_a_wedding/
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My wife and I went on our honyemoon to Australia...

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.
"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"
I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."
The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"
I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557a1l/my_wife_and_i_went_on_our_honyemoon_to_australia/
%
Why is santa's sack so big?

He only comes once a year...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/557789/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
%
I lost my favorite ash tray.

Child Protective Services took him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5576m8/i_lost_my_favorite_ash_tray/
%
A ventriloquist does a show

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5576k5/a_ventriloquist_does_a_show/
%
Poker is like sex...

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5574nl/poker_is_like_sex/
%
Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland

The barman says "Not Yewtree again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5573hj/jimmy_saville_rolf_harris_and_stuart_hall_walk/
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When did you find out Santa wasn't real?

For me it was when I noticed he had the same birthmark on his cock as my uncle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5571rb/when_did_you_find_out_santa_wasnt_real/
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Can you spare just $2.00?

Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Namibia in Africa. He has only one leg, and is blind in one eye. Every day he goes seven miles along a narrow road on his rusty bike with no brakes to get to school. If you can send just $2.00 . . . We'll send you the video! It's hilarious!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556y2o/can_you_spare_just_200/
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God's Gift

Difference between talent and god's gift:
A man can give lecture for 2 hrs on any subject.
-This is talent.
A woman can give lecture for 2 hrs without any subject.
-This is god's gift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556y1v/gods_gift/
%
So what if I don't know what Armageddon means?

It's not the end of the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556szs/so_what_if_i_dont_know_what_armageddon_means/
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Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556sq0/isnt_it_great_to_live_in_the_21st_century/
%
A man asks a woman if she would have sex with him for a Million dollars.

The woman says "yes!"
The man then asks "Would you have sex with me for one dollar?"
"NO! what do you think I am?!" she replies
"I think we already established that, now we're just negotiating"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556sh2/a_man_asks_a_woman_if_she_would_have_sex_with_him/
%
What is bread's most deadly sin?

Gluteny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556sao/what_is_breads_most_deadly_sin/
%
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major...

... found himself at the Snowball last year. There was no shortage of hot idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached him for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955?”
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556r1l/a_crusty_old_marine_sergeant_major/
%
So the 2017 World Chess Championships are being held in Iran. There's going to be some rule changes:

Queens won't be able to move without the king's permission, and bishops will face summary execution for spreading the word of the false prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556p6g/so_the_2017_world_chess_championships_are_being/
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The masochist and the sadist.

What did the masochist say to the sadist?
"Hit me."
What did the sadist say to the masochist?
"No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556lgs/the_masochist_and_the_sadist/
%
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink

Bartender says, "No charge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556k4v/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
%
How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556j9e/how_does_donald_trump_plan_on_deporting_12/
%
What's the speed limit of sex?

68, because if you go 69 you'll flip over and eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556gdm/whats_the_speed_limit_of_sex/
%
A hurricane is like a woman.

When they come, they are wet, crazy, and wild. But when they leave, they take your house and your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556dvs/a_hurricane_is_like_a_woman/
%
A guy approaches a girl at the library....

He asked her, "Can I sit next to you please?"
The girl replied in a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!"
All the students in the library was staring at the boy and slowly moved to a corner with his head low in embarassment.
The girl then comes up to the boy and whispers, "I study psychology, so I know what a guy is thinking. I guess you felt embarassed, right?"
The boy shouts out very loudly, "$200 FOR AN HOUR??? THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH!!!"
All the people in the library was looking at the girl in shock. The guy then whispered into the girl's ear, "I study law, and I know how to make someone look guilty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556dq0/a_guy_approaches_a_girl_at_the_library/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, then cross back over?

Because he's a dirty double crosser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556c79/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road_roll_in_the/
%
What do you call a religious dairy farmer?

Cheesus Christ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556bsw/what_do_you_call_a_religious_dairy_farmer/
%
I was so happy it only took me seven days to complete this puzzle!

The box said it would take 2-4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556b4p/i_was_so_happy_it_only_took_me_seven_days_to/
%
What's black, has eight legs, and makes a woman scream?

Gangrape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/556949/whats_black_has_eight_legs_and_makes_a_woman/
%
My girlfriend has this really weird fetish

She likes to pretend she's 13 years old when we have sex.
I don't know why, she'll be 13 in a couple of years anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55686m/my_girlfriend_has_this_really_weird_fetish/
%
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5567kg/i_bought_my_girlfriend_a_fridge_for_her_birthday/
%
A wife is like a hand grenade.

Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5566wu/a_wife_is_like_a_hand_grenade/
%
Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

The genie grants each of them one wish. The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5566nb/three_guys_are_stranded_in_a_desert_by_a_stroke/
%
A wife complains to her husband

“Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55669y/a_wife_complains_to_her_husband/
%
Why didn't I play in the Woman's world chess championships?

Because I ran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5565or/why_didnt_i_play_in_the_womans_world_chess/
%
An alcoholic is sitting at a bar

He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.
The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.
The alcoholic replies with "My AA group said all I need to do is avoid that first drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5564vl/an_alcoholic_is_sitting_at_a_bar/
%
how many mice do you need to screw in a light bulb?

just 2. The hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5562dv/how_many_mice_do_you_need_to_screw_in_a_light_bulb/
%
Jokes are sort of like Middle Eastern policies.

Some are decent, but it's really the execution that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55623j/jokes_are_sort_of_like_middle_eastern_policies/
%
Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire...

on average.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/555yy1/bill_gates_walks_into_a_bar_and_everyone_inside/
%
Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work.

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/555xce/donald_trumps_plan_to_build_a_wall_might_actually/
%
My friend is addicted to brake fluid...

...but he says he can stop anytime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/555wq5/my_friend_is_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
%
An American, a Frenchman, and a Canadian are all in a boat...

An American, a Frenchman, and a Canadian are all in a boat. The boat is sinking.
The Frenchman throws a baguette off of the boat, saying "We have too many of these in our country."
The American throws a computer off of the boat, saying "We have too many of these in our country."
The Canadian immediately throws the Frenchman off of the boat, saying "We have too many of these in our country."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/555wfh/an_american_a_frenchman_and_a_canadian_are_all_in/
%
The one thing that all women find attractive

...a man who doesn't fall for clickbait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/555vgg/the_one_thing_that_all_women_find_attractive/
%
I thought about going to a psychic, but then I started having doubts and changed my mind

At that moment I received a text message that said "Well, that's too bad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/555u8a/i_thought_about_going_to_a_psychic_but_then_i/
%
The Muslim Who Dated An Ape

Did you hear about the Muslim who was caught screwing an ape? He was stoned to death along with his haram bae.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/555u5h/the_muslim_who_dated_an_ape/
%
I told my barber that I didn't like the way he cut my hair.

He said "don't worry, it will grow on you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/555q5h/i_told_my_barber_that_i_didnt_like_the_way_he_cut/
%
If you have rectal cancer and it's treated with radiation therapy...

Is that a Rem job?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/555pkl/if_you_have_rectal_cancer_and_its_treated_with/
%
At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.

They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/555nh0/at_the_end_of_a_night_out_on_the_town_a_girl/
%
An unconscious man arrives at a hospital...

After a series of x-rays, the radiologist discovered the man had several plastic horses in his anus.
The doctors have declared his condition as "stable".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/555lh1/an_unconscious_man_arrives_at_a_hospital/
%
What do gay Russian partners call each other?

Cumrade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/555jdy/what_do_gay_russian_partners_call_each_other/
%
What's the difference between a Dutch oven and a German one?

The type of gas used.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/555e7n/whats_the_difference_between_a_dutch_oven_and_a/
%
My wife saw a psychic and found out I was cheating

That's the last time I banged a psychic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5559sz/my_wife_saw_a_psychic_and_found_out_i_was_cheating/
%
I bought my kid some McDonald's today.

He really doesn't like stocks though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55590n/i_bought_my_kid_some_mcdonalds_today/
%
Pussy

Me: Let me tell you a joke.
Me: Pussy.
You: ...
Me: Do you get it?
You: No..
Me: Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5553iw/pussy/
%
I like my woman like I like my shoelaces.

Curvy, loose, and easy to finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/555219/i_like_my_woman_like_i_like_my_shoelaces/
%
Did you know diarrhea is inherited?

It runs in your genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5550li/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_inherited/
%
I had sex in a tent last night

It was fucking intense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554w9d/i_had_sex_in_a_tent_last_night/
%
What do you call 2 people singing in Hebrew?

Jewet
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554tik/what_do_you_call_2_people_singing_in_hebrew/
%
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554t38/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table_the_son_asks_the/
%
Muslim book store

So there I was walking through a mall and I saw a Muslim book store. I was interested what was in a muslim book store so I went in.
The clerk approached me asking if I need help knowing I probably don't look like his normal customer so I asked if he had a copy of Donald Trumps book on his U.S. Immigration policy on Muslims and illegal Mexicans.
The clerk replied get the F*ck out and stay out!
I replied YES that's the one! Do you have it in paper back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554rvw/muslim_book_store/
%
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery

.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.
Then Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554qvz/hillary_clinton_and_donald_trump_go_into_a_bakery/
%
What's the difference between a guitarist and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554quj/whats_the_difference_between_a_guitarist_and_a/
%
What do you call a singer who sells meat?

A Deli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554oda/what_do_you_call_a_singer_who_sells_meat/
%
I bought one of Donald Trump's books on how to run a business

...but for some reason, it just ends at Chapter 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554m04/i_bought_one_of_donald_trumps_books_on_how_to_run/
%
[Long] A beautiful prostitute

A man is driving around the New York City late one night looking for a prostitute. He pulls over at a corner and sees what may be the most gorgeous woman he's ever laid eyes on. The man says, "you are one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen out here, I've gotta ask, how much do you charge for a handjob?" The woman responds that it'll be $100. The man is shocked and asks why it's so expensive. The woman points to a Mercedes on the other side of the street and says, "see that car over there, my handjobs paid for that." So the man agrees and the woman gives him the most amazing handjob he's ever had. The next day, the man can't stop thinking about the night before and decides to go back again. This time he pulls up and says, "I know it's going to be expensive, but I have to ask, how much for a blowjob?" The woman responds that it's $500 and says "see that townhouse over there? My blowjobs paid for that." The man just can't refuse and the prostitute proceeds to give him the most mind-blowing blowjob he's ever had in his life. Before he leaves, the man says "I have to know, if you're handjobs and blowjobs are that expensive, how much do you charge for sex?" The prostitute responds, "see Manhattan over there? If I had a pussy, I would own that whole island."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554kgy/long_a_beautiful_prostitute/
%
First baby born with DNA from 3 people

This week the world’s first baby was born with DNA from three different people using a new controversial technique developed by US scientists. The baby will be featured in the upcoming episode of Maury and spoiler alert, they’re both the father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554k06/first_baby_born_with_dna_from_3_people/
%
My Social Life

404

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554j80/my_social_life/
%
What drink is better than average?

A beverage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554i9w/what_drink_is_better_than_average/
%
I said Hi to a girl and she replied "I have a boyfriend"...

"And I have a math test", I told her. "What?", she replied, "What does that have to do with anything?".
"Oh", I said, "I thought we were both naming things we would cheat on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554h20/i_said_hi_to_a_girl_and_she_replied_i_have_a/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

Guy walks into a bar tells the bartender "pour me a drink"
The bartender pours him a drink
Then the guy says "you know what? Pour everyone else in here a drink"
Bartender pours everyone a drink
Then the guy says "Bartender pour yourself a drink"
Bartender pours himself a drink and cheers the guy
Finally the guy says "bartender I ain't got no money to pay for all these drinks"
Bartender takes the apron off, bounces him off the walls, then throws him in the street
A month later
Guy walks into the bar tells the bartender "pour me a drink"
The bartender pours him a drink
Then the guy says "you know what? Pour everyone else in here a drink"
Bartender pours everyone a drink
Then the guy says "Bartender pour yourself a drink"
Bartender pours himself a drink and cheers the guy
Finally the guy says "bartender I still ain't got no money to pay for all these drinks"
Bartender takes the apron off, bounces him off the walls, then throws him in the street
Two months later
Guy walks into the same bar
Bartender says "woah not you buddy. Get outta here"
This time the guy pulls out a big wad of cash
Bartender says "oh I'm sorry sir surely you're welcome here with all that money"
Bartender pours the guy a drink
Then the bartender pulls out a bunch of glasses and pours everyone else in the bar a drink
The bartender pulls out a glass to pour himself a drink
But the guy says "woah not you bartender. You get mean when you drink"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554gwi/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Who would win a battle between an orangutan and a hyena?

I don't know, but we'll find out November 8, 2016.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/554b67/who_would_win_a_battle_between_an_orangutan_and_a/
%
How to equally divide a cake among five people with only three cuts

Slice three people with your knife and ask the last, "Do you also want a piece?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55495f/how_to_equally_divide_a_cake_among_five_people/
%
A doctor was visiting a patient

She asked him 'doctor am I going to die?'
Out of pity the doctor told her the truth, 'we are all dying slowly, some just faster than others.'
The patient said, 'how fast am I dying.'
The doctor leaned over and said 'you are the usain bolt of dying.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5548qs/a_doctor_was_visiting_a_patient/
%
What do Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad have in common?

They both pull out of Roslyn every morning at 8:15.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5546xv/what_do_jimmy_carter_and_the_long_island_railroad/
%
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh.
-
*My little brother told me this one; hit me with a little bit of nostalgia.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5544xt/why_did_tigger_stick_his_head_in_the_toilet/
%
On a transatlantic flight to Poland...

...the pilot announced on the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost one of our engines. But don't worry. We can still fly on the other three. It'll just take an extra hour to get to Poland."
Grumbles ensued but died down.
A while later the pilot announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a second engine. But don't worry. We can still make it on two. It'll just take an extra three hours to get to Poland."
Grumbles turned into annoyed remarks.
A while after that the pilot announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a third engine. But don't worry. We can still make it to Poland. It'll just take an extra five hours to make it there."
An angry voice from coach yelled out, "Good Lord! If we lose another one, we're gonna be up here all damn day!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5544ri/on_a_transatlantic_flight_to_poland/
%
17 Signs You're an Incredulous Skeptic...

you won't believe number 8!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5543op/17_signs_youre_an_incredulous_skeptic/
%
The only way to know if a jokes is actually funny is to tell it to an African-American.

Black laughs matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55434d/the_only_way_to_know_if_a_jokes_is_actually_funny/
%
People form Pittsburgh are called Pittsburgers. Do you know what people from Hamburg are called?

Germans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5542l9/people_form_pittsburgh_are_called_pittsburgers_do/
%
A plateau is the highest form of flattery

I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553xxb/a_plateau_is_the_highest_form_of_flattery/
%
A penguin takes his car to the auto shop...

The mechanic tells him its gonna be about a half hour, so he decides to go next door and get an ice cream to kill some time.
He goes next door and orders a vanilla ice cream in a cone. Since he only has flippers he finds it difficult to eat the ice cream and gets it all over his beak.
After, he goes back to the mechanic shop. The mechanic approaches him and says, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin replies, "No! Its just a little ice cream!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553wyy/a_penguin_takes_his_car_to_the_auto_shop/
%
What do a hillbilly and a nepotist blackberry executive have in common?

They both give their relatives rim jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553vr7/what_do_a_hillbilly_and_a_nepotist_blackberry/
%
At a Senior's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady

struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding smoothly on the current when they came upon a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,' Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me, but now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid, and I thought the choices were "fuck" or "drown".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553slh/at_a_seniors_luncheon_an_elderly_gentleman_and_an/
%
My girlfriend treats me like God

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553r2p/my_girlfriend_treats_me_like_god/
%
Three women- a blond, a brunette, and a red head, are all about to be executed by ISIS

The red head was up first. Right before she was going to be executed she yelled, “TORNADO!” All of the ISIS members took cover and she escaped. The brunette was the next in line. She followed in the red-head’s footprints and this time screamed “SANDSTORM!” The gullible ISIS members again ducked for cover while she escaped. The blonde thought to herself, “This is going to be easy. These people are idiots.” The blonde stood with a smug look on the shooting block while the ISIS leader roared, “Ready…Aim….” The blonde yelled, “FIRE!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553q1q/three_women_a_blond_a_brunette_and_a_red_head_are/
%
I have the perfect body of a 21 year old female...

It's in a freezer in my basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553o0e/i_have_the_perfect_body_of_a_21_year_old_female/
%
Phone calls to God $1,000

Priest takes a trip to the Vatican, as he walks he sees a pedestal with a gold telephone on top with a note "Phone calls to God $1,000". Priest thinks for a few seconds and then moves on. As he moves on he sees another pedestal with a gold telephone with a note "Phone calls to God $1,000", and as he gets close to the Vatican he sees gold phones everywhere with the same note.. A week later the priest travels to Jerusalem to visit the Wailing Wall. As he walks he sees an identical pedestal with a gold phone as he saw at the Vatican, with the note that says  "Phone calls to God $0.25" Priest says "What?? In Vatican is $1,000.." Rabbi standing close to the phone happily says "ah yes because here its a local call"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553m92/phone_calls_to_god_1000/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee

Hot, Brown, and full of Cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553joj/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

Her friend is overjoyed and says: "How wonderful!  But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic!  What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible!  I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553jio/a_woman_announces_to_her_friend_that_she_is/
%
A man approaches a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket

and asked,  “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553j4t/a_man_approaches_a_very_beautiful_woman_in_a/
%
What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553j47/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_a/
%
What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?

A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553ir3/whats_the_difference_between_a_dead_baby_and_a/
%
''How was school?''

Mother:“How was school today,
Patrick?”
Patrick:“It was really great mum!
Today we made explosives!”
Mother:“Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick:“What school?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553hkv/how_was_school/
%
I'm tired of seeing "Hey OP, I banged your mom" comments every time I post a submission....

I never should have given dad my username.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553gqm/im_tired_of_seeing_hey_op_i_banged_your_mom/
%
Why are TV's attracted to people?

Because we turn them on.
/*Badumtss*/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553eoc/why_are_tvs_attracted_to_people/
%
The Russian and the Genie

There was a Russian walking home from work.  He ran across a lamp, rubbed it, and a genie popped out.
"I will grant you one wish!"
The Russian thought about it for a while, and said, "I would like, every time I piss, best Vodka ever."
"Wish granted."
When the Russian got home, he yelled to his wife, "Wife, get me two glasses."  The wife goes and gets the two glasses, and the husband pisses in both glasses.  He takes a drink, and to his surprise, it is the *best* Vodka he has ever tasted.  He gives the other glass to his wife, and while reluctant, she takes a drink and realizes it is the best Vodka she has ever had.
The next day, the husband gets home from work, and yells, "Wife, two glasses!"  The wife gets two glasses, husband pisses in both, and the Vodka is even better than before.
The next day, the husband gets home from work, and yells, "Wife, one glass!"  The wife, disappointed, responds, "What about me?"  The husband replies, "Tonight, you drink from the bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553dx0/the_russian_and_the_genie/
%
Three men die

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.  Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.  If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings."  With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.  The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.  "Then, go to Hell!"  With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"  With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"  The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."  The Devil did just that.  The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.  Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"  The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553dd4/three_men_die/
%
Hawaiian woodpecker and Californian woodpecker

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker who had managed to fly across the ocean to Hawaii, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Hawaiian woodpecker led him to a tree that no woodpecker could peck!
The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable.
The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused.
How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
*Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553ark/hawaiian_woodpecker_and_californian_woodpecker/
%
Smart blonde joke

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.  They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.  She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”  They throw the switch and nothing happens.  They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.  “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”  They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.  Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553arb/smart_blonde_joke/
%
Next time you are at a party and have black clothes on and someone asks you, "whose funeral is it"? Just say this:

I haven't decided yet...
That would scare the shit out of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553acf/next_time_you_are_at_a_party_and_have_black/
%
Escaped convict

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom. The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/553a1x/escaped_convict/
%
My wife keeps telling me I shouldn’t pee in the bath

Or if I really have to, I should at least wait till she gets out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5539wp/my_wife_keeps_telling_me_i_shouldnt_pee_in_the/
%
As I stared at my grandpa on his deathbed not knowing what to say, he turned to me and mumbled "take my picture...

it'll last longer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55399a/as_i_stared_at_my_grandpa_on_his_deathbed_not/
%
Wife: "I look fat. Tell me something to make me feel better."

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5537wg/wife_i_look_fat_tell_me_something_to_make_me_feel/
%
My sex life is like finding a parking spot

in town.
All the good ones are taken, so sometimes when no one is looking I have to stick it into disabled one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5536cx/my_sex_life_is_like_finding_a_parking_spot/
%
What does bill Clinton say to Hilary after sex?

Honey, I'll be home in twenty minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5534cz/what_does_bill_clinton_say_to_hilary_after_sex/
%
How do you get a one armed man off a tree?

You wave to him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55344i/how_do_you_get_a_one_armed_man_off_a_tree/
%
Two hunters are out in the woods

when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55338r/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods/
%
My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished

Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5531xd/my_one_night_stand_said_im_a_lousy_lover_after_we/
%
What's the easiest way to upset your girlfriend during sex?

Call her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5531hz/whats_the_easiest_way_to_upset_your_girlfriend/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552zlx/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a trampoline?

I take my boots off to jump on the trampoline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552xp9/whats_the_difference_between_a_pile_of_dead/
%
Reddit is like my Mom

If it sucked, I probably wouldn't be here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552x36/reddit_is_like_my_mom/
%
I thought we had something....

I don't get it....
I thought we really had something...
You met my family, made me dinner and called me honey...
Now suddenly you're a "waitress" who was only "doing her job"??!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552wtj/i_thought_we_had_something/
%
Why did nVidia built the first self-driving car? (on all conditions)

Because their drivers keep crashing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552upg/why_did_nvidia_built_the_first_selfdriving_car_on/
%
how do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552rju/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
%
How do you spot a blind guy at a strip club?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552ngn/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_guy_at_a_strip_club/
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A guy walks into a bar..

He sits down and strikes up a conversation with the bartender
"hey, wanna make a bet?"
The bartender shows some interest
"What's the bet?"
The guy tells the bartender "if I can ask myself a question and answer it, you have to give me a free drink"
The bartender looks at the guy strange "that sounds like a stupid bet"
"But" the guy adds " if you can ask yourself a question and answer it, I'll pay twice the price for the drink"
"Oh, I get it now" the bartender said "well, since you proposed this bet why don't you start first?"
The guy nodes "alright"
He then ask him self the question "how can a rabbit dig a hole without pushing any dirt out the top?"
The guy then answers "it starts from the bottom"
"Wait a minute" the bartender said "how'd it get to the bottom then?"
The guy grins "I don't know, that's your question"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552nb9/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Similarity between a feminist and a gun?

They are both loud when triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552j5z/similarity_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
%
A man with ejaculatory disorder ran up behind me...

Jesus he really came out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552iwq/a_man_with_ejaculatory_disorder_ran_up_behind_me/
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The logical scientist

Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris: 'I reckon he's an accountant. '
James: ‘No way - he's a stockbroker. '
Chris: ‘He's no stockbroker. A stockbroker wouldn't come in here. '
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Chris: ' 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living.'
Suit: ‘No offence taken. I'm a logical scientist by profession. '
Chris: 'Yeah, so what's that then. '
Suit: 'I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?'
Chris: 'Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens. '
Suit: 'Well, it's logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?'
Chris: 'It's in a pond'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to suppose that you have a large garden then?'
Chris: 'As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?'
Chris: ‘As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself.'
Suit: 'well, given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you're probably married.'
Chris: 'Yes, I am married. I live with my wife and three children.'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis.'
Chris: 'Yep! Four nights a week. '
Suit: 'Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?'
Chris: ‘Me? Never!'
Suit: 'Well, there you are, that's logical science at work.'
Chris: 'How's that then?'
Suit: 'From finding out that you had a goldfish. I've told you about the size of the garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life. '
Chris: 'I, see. That's pretty impressive... thanks mate.'
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: 'I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?'
Chris: 'Yep! He's a logical scientist.'
James: 'What's that then?'
Chris: 'I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?'
James: 'Nope. '
Chris: 'Well then, you're a wanker.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552i5m/the_logical_scientist/
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Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the shit out of their dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552g8c/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
%
What do you call the top wealthiest people in Mexico?

The Juan percent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552g23/what_do_you_call_the_top_wealthiest_people_in/
%
I think my girlfriend is starting to gain weight.

She's starting to fit into my wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552dl9/i_think_my_girlfriend_is_starting_to_gain_weight/
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How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552c31/how_many_mcdonalds_workers_does_it_take_to_change/
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Why can't T-Rex's Hi-Five each other?

Because they are dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552b8q/why_cant_trexs_hifive_each_other/
%
A girl approaches a guy...

Girl: Do you drink?
Guy: No.
Girl: Do you do drugs?
Guy: No.
Girl: Do you watch porn?
Guy: No.
Girl: Then how do you have fun?
Guy: I lie to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/552abx/a_girl_approaches_a_guy/
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Titanic be like

"I nominate all passengers for the ice bucket challenge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5526la/titanic_be_like/
%
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

*shrug* elephino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5526hy/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_with_a/
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This is traditional food in my country!

"But Abdul, this plate is empty."
"__I know!__"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55263k/this_is_traditional_food_in_my_country/
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I was at a party playing guitar once

and somebody asked me if I could play Wonderwall
I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5523r0/i_was_at_a_party_playing_guitar_once/
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A cowboy walks into a bar...

And takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5523jm/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
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if donald and hilary are together on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it sinks, who survives?

America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55217y/if_donald_and_hilary_are_together_on_a_boat_in/
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"I feel like 790,000 bucks!!"

Said a woman feeling like a million bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55211f/i_feel_like_790000_bucks/
%
Know what's the hardest thing about having sex with a Japanese girl?

Trying to find an octopus at 11PM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55205t/know_whats_the_hardest_thing_about_having_sex/
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Its pretty annoying how women complain about having 1 baby in their stomach

I have like a million in my ballsack and im not complaining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551z7h/its_pretty_annoying_how_women_complain_about/
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Some say the quickest way to mans heart is food. As an experienced heart surgeon, I disagree...

It's sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551z5r/some_say_the_quickest_way_to_mans_heart_is_food/
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\r\jokes has the funniest most original content

But at least I don't have Alzheimer's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551w13/rjokes_has_the_funniest_most_original_content/
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I decided to rob a blood bank

They caught me red-handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551uwj/i_decided_to_rob_a_blood_bank/
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My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551syp/my_girlfriend_accused_me_of_cheating/
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Why Does Dr. Pepper Come in a Can?

...Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551rpn/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_can/
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did you know jesus was irish?

true story, he never held a job, had twelve drinking buddies, and his mum thought he was god.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551qkl/did_you_know_jesus_was_irish/
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What did the Jewish pedophile say to the children?

Want to buy a piece of candy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551q0h/what_did_the_jewish_pedophile_say_to_the_children/
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What's the difference between a girl and a washing machine?

When I dump a load into the washing machine it doesn't follow me around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551kvn/whats_the_difference_between_a_girl_and_a_washing/
%
A computer once beat me at chess...

...but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551kg3/a_computer_once_beat_me_at_chess/
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What do you call a prematurely born Chinese baby?

Sudden Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551j6g/what_do_you_call_a_prematurely_born_chinese_baby/
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Jewish Sex

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
Hire a strapping young man.
While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.
That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.
It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them'.
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'You see that, you schmuck?
THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551itv/jewish_sex/
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I bought a grandfather clock.

It's like a regular clock but it keeps telling you that it's lived through three wars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551in4/i_bought_a_grandfather_clock/
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Credit card of a man was stolen

"Why did you not report your stolen credit card?" the police asked.
"The thief was spending less than my wife" answered the man.
The police asked next "Then why are you reporting it now?"
The man replied "I think now the thief's wife has started using it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551gwc/credit_card_of_a_man_was_stolen/
%
I ran into my ex the other day...

Then I put the car in reverse and backed into her again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551gll/i_ran_into_my_ex_the_other_day/
%
Why did the aliens choose to not invade and enslave the human race?

Because they're not garbage collectors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551ftp/why_did_the_aliens_choose_to_not_invade_and/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551c3v/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
I'm about to tell my date that my penis is twelve inches wide.

I don't know how she's going to take it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551bt6/im_about_to_tell_my_date_that_my_penis_is_twelve/
%
My son swallowed several coins the other day.

I've definitely seen some change in him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/551bsj/my_son_swallowed_several_coins_the_other_day/
%
A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor....

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.
"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.
"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.
"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.
"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5519zi/a_man_with_a_stutter_is_visiting_the_doctor/
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A woman asked me if I had a cigarette.

"Yes..." I said, "But what about your baby?"
She said, "Oh no. He doesn't smoke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5517eb/a_woman_asked_me_if_i_had_a_cigarette/
%
Strong people don't put others down:

They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5516uo/strong_people_dont_put_others_down/
%
Why did Aquaman join the DC universe instead of Marvel?

Because he was hydra-phobic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55151s/why_did_aquaman_join_the_dc_universe_instead_of/
%
a muslim couple goes hunting and accidentally shot an ape. "ouch, that's a shame. can we eat him so he wouldn't die in vain?" said the girl. "no, we cant" the guy replied. "why?"

"it's Haram, Bae"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55141j/a_muslim_couple_goes_hunting_and_accidentally/
%
Police officer and woman

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5513zg/police_officer_and_woman/
%
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer:

I saw it through my telescope last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550xko/i_think_my_neighbor_is_stalking_me_as_shes_been/
%
I hate my job...

My job is so fucking unbelievable.
I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550vse/i_hate_my_job/
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What do you call a rogue toaster?

A rebel appliance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550via/what_do_you_call_a_rogue_toaster/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a bomb vest?

The bomb vest actually does something when triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550uze/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.
Do you eat too much?
No.
Do you go to bed late?
No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550r0n/doctor_how_can_i_live_longer_than_100_years/
%
My friend said "Women directors have never had major success with a live action film"

So I said, "Nonsense! Just look at the Matrix trilogy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550qxr/my_friend_said_women_directors_have_never_had/
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Viens a moi (NSFW)

Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550q19/viens_a_moi_nsfw/
%
I took the wife to a disco last night.....

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550om3/i_took_the_wife_to_a_disco_last_night/
%
A panda walks into a restaurant

and orders some spaghetti. The waiter is surprised but still serves his order.
The panda eats the spaghetti slowly while reading a dictionary. After he is finished, he pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter and exits the restaurant.
The manager is staggered by the turn of events and moves to check what the panda had left behind. He sees the open page on the dictionary and finds the following definition of 'panda':
"a large bear-like mammal with characteristic black-and-white markings, native to certain mountain forests in China. Eats shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550n7t/a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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They said being blind would hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.

I don't see them laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550mka/they_said_being_blind_would_hinder_my_chances_of/
%
A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her...

When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks.
She then asked the students if the jar was full?
They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
She shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
She then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They again agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else.
The small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.
The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical check-ups.
Take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
But then...
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer.
Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550jbt/a_philosophy_professor_stood_before_her_class_and/
%
OMG, I have finally discovered what is wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right, and on the right side there is nothing left ......

intresting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550ipe/omg_i_have_finally_discovered_what_is_wrong_with/
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A flea is sitting on a bench in Florida...

and he looks miserable. He has the sniffles, he's sneezing and has the chills. He has a blanket wrapped around him for warmth.
Just then a friend of his walks by and notices him sitting there all sick and dejected. The friend sits next to him.
"Liam! What's wrong? You look absolutely awful."
"Hey George, I feel terrible. I wanted to come to Florida for the winter and the only ride I found was on some guys mustache."
"That doesn't sound too bad." says George.
"The guy rode his motorcycle all the way down here."
"Oh, yeah. It's too cold for that. Let me tell you what you need to do, Liam. Next year, go to the airport, find the cutest stewardess you can, crawl  up in her pants and snuggle up in her crotch. It'll be nice and warm and smell wonderful. The cute ones usually do. You'll have a fantastic flight down here. Everything will be perfect!"
Liam thinks is an amazing idea and actually feels better seeing hope for the next year.
"Thanks George, you're a life saver."
The friends go their ways and a year passes. George finds himself walking down the same sidewalk and notices Liam, once again, sitting on the bench, wrapped in a blanket looking miserable.
"Liam!" George rushes over. "You look worse than last year!"
Liam just sits there and shivers.
George asks, "Did you go to the airport?"
Liam nods.
"Did you find the cutest stewardess?"
"Y-y-y-yes."
"Then what went wrong?"
"Well, I did go to the airport, I did find the stewardess. She was so beautiful. I climbed up her leg and under her lace panties." Liam blows his nose.
"Go on" says George.
"I snuggled up in her crotch right next to her delightful vagina. It was so warm, so cozy, so delicious that I couldn't stay awake."
Liam pulls the blanket tighter around himself.
"And then I woke up on some guys mustache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550hnw/a_flea_is_sitting_on_a_bench_in_florida/
%
I was waiting outside the movie theater to buy some tickets, when a pregnant woman walked over and hit me in the face.

"Ow!"  I yelled. "Why did you do that?!"
"Oh, so sorry." She replied. "I thought this was the punchline."
"Was that supposed to be a joke?!" I asked.
"Yep, guess I need to work on the delivery."  And then she went into labor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550h31/i_was_waiting_outside_the_movie_theater_to_buy/
%
The juggler in the street

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four men have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Ci"
"Ya"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550fyj/the_juggler_in_the_street/
%
Why does Donald Trump like free haircuts?

Because he doesn't have toupeé.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550f8w/why_does_donald_trump_like_free_haircuts/
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Do you want to know why I called your girlfriend a tractor?

Because she's an upgrade to that hoe you had earlier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550eci/do_you_want_to_know_why_i_called_your_girlfriend/
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Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's pretty time consuming.
I'll escort myself out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550ags/have_you_ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
%
I froze some paint today.

Now it's just one solid color.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550a7g/i_froze_some_paint_today/
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5507qo/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
%
Are you cold?

Go stand in a corner. They're always 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550745/are_you_cold/
%
I had a cough like that once...

I didn't kick the bucket, I was just a little pail!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5504md/i_had_a_cough_like_that_once/
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What was the name of the knight who sat all the way around the Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/550312/what_was_the_name_of_the_knight_who_sat_all_the/
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What is difference between a good joke and

A bad joke timing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5501kr/what_is_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
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Two mortal enemies get lost in the desert...

Two mortal enemies get lost in the desert. "It's all your fault!" Guy #1 says. "No, it's all your fault!" Guy #2 says. Suddenly, guy #1 finds a genie lamp. The genie appears, and says, "I can grant each of you one wish.". Guy #1 says, "I want 2x what he gets!". "Very well, what is your wish, Guy #2?" The genie asked. Guy #2 grinned, and says, "I want to be beaten half to death!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5501c9/two_mortal_enemies_get_lost_in_the_desert/
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A sniper looks over a large crowd of people from his hidden perch. Over his earpiece, he is told to fire at will. He carefully spots his target, and shoots.

"Crap, that wasn't Will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54zzxt/a_sniper_looks_over_a_large_crowd_of_people_from/
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What did George Washington say to his men just before they got in the boat?

"Men, get in the boat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54zwzz/what_did_george_washington_say_to_his_men_just/
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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54zwqg/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_killer/
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A feminist one asked me "What's your view on Lesbians"?

I said "1080p"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54zuc2/a_feminist_one_asked_me_whats_your_view_on/
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Do you know what a 6.9 is?

A good thing screwed up by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54zpiv/do_you_know_what_a_69_is/
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The story of Strongman Dria

In Iraq there was a man named Dria who lived in a small village. Dria was special, because he was as strong as 10 men combined. However, as a way to level the playing field, Dria wasn't very smart. He's like a little kid who doesn't realize his own power. One day Dria's grandmother becomes very ill, and there's nothing in the world Dria loves more than his gram-gram, so he vows to save his grandma no matter the cost. But because he doesn't realize how special he is, he can't think of any ways to earn enough money to save his grandmother. As he's walking around town trying to find money, a shady looking dude comes out of an alley way and waves Dria over.
"I've heard things about you. I have a group of friends that could use your help. Care to join? We'll pay you."
Dria jumps at the chance, but little does he realize he has just joined a local terrorist cell attempting to make a name for themselves. He heads to their hideout, and after a couple days Dria conducts his first raid. He performs amazing feats of strength, flipping cars and tearing doors off of their hinges. He manages to squeeze every dime out of the people of the village. A new recruit was mesmerized by what Dria did, and after the raid went and talked to him.
"Wow! Your strength is amazing! But why are you helping us when you could be doing good for others?"
"My gram-gram is sick and the guys here said they'd pay me if I helped them."
"Oh ok. How much have they paid you?"
"Well, nothing so far, but I'll get it soon!"
The recruit was heartbroken by the story, but didn't want to ruin everything for the men he now calls his brothers, so he says nothing. More raids are conducted, and with each one the recruit's heart sinks a little more, until he just can't take it.
"Dria, I have something to tell you. You've been conned. You aren't going to see even a little bit of the money."
Dria, absolutely furious that he'd been duped, leaves the hideout, and runs to the hills. Upon hearing the news, the leaders of the terrorist cell aren't worried.
"We are rich! We don't need a strongman, we can conduct the raids ourselves!"
However, when the terrorists tried again, they failed miserably. They couldn't take any money from the villagers that they had previously robbed. The group eventually broke up because they no longer had the funds to attack people. And thus, all of the members of the terrorist cell learned a very valuable lesson that day: that the might of conned Dria was the powerhouse of the cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54znyn/the_story_of_strongman_dria/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54zlvg/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed...

How could anyone stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54zh8q/i_was_reading_in_the_paper_today_about_this_dwarf/
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The other day a man knocked on my door and asked me for a small donation towards the local swimming pool...

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54zfc4/the_other_day_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked/
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I scream. You scream. We all scream.

ISIS laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54zf5a/i_scream_you_scream_we_all_scream/
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A fine is a tax for doing wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54zezd/a_fine_is_a_tax_for_doing_wrong/
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How did Genghis Khan conquer Mongolia?

One steppe at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54zcvo/how_did_genghis_khan_conquer_mongolia/
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What do ghosts drink?

BOOOOOZE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54zbh3/what_do_ghosts_drink/
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How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.
I'm serious! That Israeli how he does it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54za1a/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
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Whenever It Rains, My Wife Just Stands At The Window Looking Kind Of Sad

Maybe I Should Let Her In

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54z9id/whenever_it_rains_my_wife_just_stands_at_the/
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Hillary & Trump goes into a bakery

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54z8q5/hillary_trump_goes_into_a_bakery/
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A man runs up to the conductor of a train that is about to depart from a station in Paris...

A man runs up to the conductor of a train that is about to depart from a station in Paris. Panting, he asks the conductor:
"Excuse me, does this train go to Toulouse?"
"Non monsieur," replies the conductor.
"Zis train goes 'WOOOOT WOOOOOOT!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54z84c/a_man_runs_up_to_the_conductor_of_a_train_that_is/
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My Dad wrote an ok joke

Dad: You know Trump just wants to be a penis potato.
Me: ...What?
Dad: He wants to be a Dick-tator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54z7wr/my_dad_wrote_an_ok_joke/
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I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54z6lm/i_was_recently_diagnosed_with_colorblindness/
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A guy walks into a Kinkos and asks, "Do you have any colored printers?"

To which the clerk responds, "It's 2016 man. You can use any printer you want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54z6h7/a_guy_walks_into_a_kinkos_and_asks_do_you_have/
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Always remember you're someones reason to smile

Because you are a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54z1g2/always_remember_youre_someones_reason_to_smile/
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What do you call a government official that can't leave an airport because of a blizzard?

Edward Snowed In

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54z0p8/what_do_you_call_a_government_official_that_cant/
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So Tim Tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat

But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54z0jn/so_tim_tebow_just_hit_a_home_run_in_his_first/
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What superhero should you never have dinner with?

Spider-Man. He never saves any Uncle Ben's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54z0cw/what_superhero_should_you_never_have_dinner_with/
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Clinton to Trump: Release your tax returns! I have never seen them.

Trump: …but I emailed them to you. Of course you've never seen them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54yqjs/clinton_to_trump_release_your_tax_returns_i_have/
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What do you call someone with Down Syndrome who likes to smoke weed ?

A baked potato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ypsj/what_do_you_call_someone_with_down_syndrome_who/
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Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54yn4d/wife_arrives_home_late_at_night_from_a_business/
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What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi
I'll let myself out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ymmu/what_did_the_sushi_say_to_the_bee/
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Greek cheese turns me on.

It is a feta-ish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ykww/greek_cheese_turns_me_on/
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Why did the blind lady fall into a well?

Because she couldn't see that well.
*crickets, crickets*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ykt6/why_did_the_blind_lady_fall_into_a_well/
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Islam is a religion of piece.

A piece of you here, there, everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54yj50/islam_is_a_religion_of_piece/
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You might be a redneck if...

...you have a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't. Alabama represent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54yj2s/you_might_be_a_redneck_if/
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Today in class we were talking about sex.

The teacher asked us, "Ok class, does anybody know what the meaning of monotony is?"
I shouted out, "It's very boring!"
It was only in the principal's office that I realized she said monogamy.
**Based on a true story**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54yixo/today_in_class_we_were_talking_about_sex/
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Following someone around is typically defined as "stalking"

At my university, it's defined as "finding a parking space"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54yehu/following_someone_around_is_typically_defined_as/
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What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby?

You're just going to have to be a little patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54y94x/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_midget_waiting_in/
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What would happen if James Bond took Viagra?

He would continue to be a state-sponsored terrorist whose actions disgrace us all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54y4qq/what_would_happen_if_james_bond_took_viagra/
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What’s the difference between a baby and a feminist?

At some point in it’s life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54y255/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_feminist/
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An old Jewish man is walking along the beach when he stumbles upon a magic lamp

He picks it up, rubs it, and--sure enough--a genie pops out.
The genie says to the old man, "I will grant you anything you want."
The old man pulls a map out of his back pocket and points to the Middle East.
"You see this? I would like peace in the Middle East between Israelis and Palestinians."
The genie looks at the map and says to the man, "I've been stuck in a lamp for centuries; you expect me to pull that off right out of the chute? This area has been at war for thousands of years. I'm a genie, I'm not God. I'm afraid it simply cannot be done, sir.
"I'll have to ask you to make another wish, and this time try to be reasonable, please."
The Jewish man thinks for a moment, then responds: "I would like my wife to blow me one more time."
The genie lets out a long sigh and says, "Let me see the map again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54xymd/an_old_jewish_man_is_walking_along_the_beach_when/
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Why is the sea so salty?

Because the land didn't wave back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54xv9p/why_is_the_sea_so_salty/
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I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54xrdy/i_believe_in_the_vagina_like_other_people_believe/
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An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54xpbk/an_unemployed_engineer_opens_a_clinic/
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Professional women's soccer is so boring.

Why am I even jerking off to this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54xomx/professional_womens_soccer_is_so_boring/
%
A cold December night.

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54xkcm/a_cold_december_night/
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Why do women make great archaeologists?

They love diggin' up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54xir9/why_do_women_make_great_archaeologists/
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What is yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54xiex/what_is_yellow_and_cant_swim/
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My friend told me this, thought I would share

(Sorry for any mistakes, I am on mobile)
So, there is this fly who starts dropping down 4 feet. A fish is in the pond, and sees the fly, and thinks that if the fly drops 4 feet, then he can snatch the fly. A bear is nearby, and thinks that if the fly goes down 4 feet, and the fish eats him, then he can catch the fish. A hunter is nearby, and thinks if the fly drops 4 feet, the fish eats him, and the bear catches the fish, he can hunt the bear down. A mouse is nearby and notices the hunter has a cheese sandwich in his pocket, and thinks if the fly goes down 4 feet, gets caught by the fish, gets caught by the bear, and killed by the hunter, the cheese sandwich will fall down, and he will be able to eat it. A cat is perched on a tree nearby, and thinks that if the fly goes down 4 feet, gets caught by the fish, eaten by the bear, killed by the hunter, and the mouse eats the sandwich, he can pounce on the mouse.
So, the fly goes down 4 feet, gets eaten by the fish, who is eaten by the bear, who is killed by the hunter, and the cheese sandwich falls out. The mouse eats the sandwich, and the cat jumps torwards him, but misses and falls in the lake.
The moral of the story?
When a fly drops down 4 feet, the pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54xhh8/my_friend_told_me_this_thought_i_would_share/
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How did Harry Potter make it to the bottom of the hill?

By walking... jk rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54xglt/how_did_harry_potter_make_it_to_the_bottom_of_the/
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Netflix's new show is Marvel's Luke Cage, whose "Superpower is unbreakable skin.

Bullet proof skin on a black man isn't a super power its straight up evolution!
-Danish Anwar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54xghs/netflixs_new_show_is_marvels_luke_cage_whose/
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What is yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54xe31/what_is_yellow_and_cant_swim/
%
I want to be cremated...

So I can finally have a smoking hot body!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54xbrf/i_want_to_be_cremated/
%
What do snakes use to build clocks?

Metal Gears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54xa0l/what_do_snakes_use_to_build_clocks/
%
Who the hell called it 69ing...

Instead of cuddlingus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54x5j1/who_the_hell_called_it_69ing/
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Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids: What did one lightbulb to say to the other?

Watts up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54x5bt/since_were_doing_jokes_we_made_up_as_kids_what/
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Programmers today...

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54x3d4/programmers_today/
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A binman walks up to a Chinese man's door...

He says, "Where's your bin?"
The Chinese man replies, "I bin watching TV."
"No, where's your dustbin?"
"I told you. I dustbin watching TV!"
"Where's your wheelie bin?" The binman asks, getting agitated.
"Okay, okay. I wheelie bin having a wank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54x2z1/a_binman_walks_up_to_a_chinese_mans_door/
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[Very Racist] What is the difference between a black person and a bench?

One can support a family of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54x1bd/very_racist_what_is_the_difference_between_a/
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Last week I got one of those Amazon Echos

It comes with Alexa--the digital secretary. She's great. She's like my real secretary -- keeps my to do list, tells me about the weather, orders things for me. I just haven't figured out where I put my dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54x0ly/last_week_i_got_one_of_those_amazon_echos/
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Why is Peter pan always flying?

Because he NEVERLANDS.
This joke is great because it never grows old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54wyu3/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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A wife came home early and,

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…”
“Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54wu3l/a_wife_came_home_early_and/
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Did you hear about the guy with a fetish for public transportation?

He got off at every stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54wtsp/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_a_fetish_for/
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Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54wsfr/relationships_are_a_lot_like_algebra/
%
What is the hardest part about firing a black man?

Waiting for him to show up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54wqn5/what_is_the_hardest_part_about_firing_a_black_man/
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I'm voting my fridge for president.

Because America needs to chill the fuck out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54wp6x/im_voting_my_fridge_for_president/
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A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death.

His family didn't bereave him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54wox7/a_japanese_man_once_tried_to_fake_his_own_death/
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My wife and I were extremely happy for 20 years

....and then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54wioc/my_wife_and_i_were_extremely_happy_for_20_years/
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A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long.

She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54whpa/a_young_woman_had_been_taking_golf_lessons_all/
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Three blondes are walking through a forest

when they spot tracks on the ground.
The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54wbxg/three_blondes_are_walking_through_a_forest/
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My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54w8gc/my_mom_dropped_this_one_on_me/
%
Ever tried eating a clock?

It's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54w4fu/ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
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My feet were killing me yesterday. I bought some in-soles thinking they'd probably do nothing to help.

Today I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54w331/my_feet_were_killing_me_yesterday_i_bought_some/
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I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!
drops mic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54w1i0/i_give_to_you_a_joke_i_made_up_when_i_was_seven/
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How are Pornstars paid?

Income

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54w1d9/how_are_pornstars_paid/
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(NSFW) a boy and his frog

There was a 13 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, ‘I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I’m not leaving until I do.’
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, ‘Do any of the girls have any diseases?’ Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, ‘I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT’S the girl I want!’
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, ‘Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?’
He said, ‘Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.
Wh en Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he’ll jump her bones, and he’ll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease…and HE’S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54w0tc/nsfw_a_boy_and_his_frog/
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The Irish Prostitue

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54vzws/the_irish_prostitue/
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Why do you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

She's probably thick and tired of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54vzbm/why_do_you_never_make_fun_of_a_fat_girl_with_a/
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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti:

You should've seen the look on her face as i drove pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54vyrm/my_sister_bet_me_a_hundred_dollars_i_couldnt/
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I was walking down the street in New York yesterday, when a black guy asked me if the Yankees won...

I replied, "Yeah man, you're free."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54vwi3/i_was_walking_down_the_street_in_new_york/
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What's a SJW's favorite maths topic?

Triggernometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54vw1y/whats_a_sjws_favorite_maths_topic/
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Little John

ny was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and hollered, "Hey, everyone look at that" The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.
A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was those two dogs doing?
The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.
Little Johnny then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54vsow/little_john/
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What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54vqzo/what_do_you_call_an_evil_wizard_who_gives_good/
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The doctor says to the old man "I'll need to check your blood, urine, and stool.

The old man who is virtually deaf, turns to his wife and shouts "WHAT'D HE SAY?". His wife says "the doctor said he wants to see your underwear".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54vpw5/the_doctor_says_to_the_old_man_ill_need_to_check/
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"Oh my god," said my wife, smiling, "our boy's...kicking."

I said, "Yes, that's generally how football works."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54voii/oh_my_god_said_my_wife_smiling_our_boyskicking/
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I'm hooked on abortion jokes,

Gladly, they'll never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54vo4n/im_hooked_on_abortion_jokes/
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When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54vi4p/when_my_wife_left_i_was_sad_upset_and_lonely/
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A boy goes into confession...

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."
"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"
"Oh I can't say."
"Was it Mary Jane?"
"No Father."
"Adalina Mozarelli?"
"My lips are sealed."
"How about Cindy King"
"I can never say."
"Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?"
"No."
"It has to be Tracy Cummings though!"
"Father I will never tell you."
"Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months."
"Ok, Father"
The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?"
The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54vhnb/a_boy_goes_into_confession/
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I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman....

...not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54vbx2/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once_an_hour_later_i/
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What kind of girls date firefighters?

Hose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54vaht/what_kind_of_girls_date_firefighters/
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Russia: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Ukraine: I don't know Russia why?
Russia: To rescue oppressed Russian minority

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54v9hy/russia_why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Marriage and Divorce

If men behave after marriage the way they do before it,
half the divorces won’t take place..
On the other hand,
If women behave before marriage the way they do after it,
half the marriages won’t take place

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54v92o/marriage_and_divorce/
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The bartender says "Sorry, we don't make that here."

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.
He gets up and leaves.
He takes a seat and orders a Polynesian Pearl Diver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54v8u9/the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_make_that_here/
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So I had this dream of eating a large marshmallow

The scary part was when I woke up I found my pillow missing.
*Took this off an essay example thing we were given in English, thought it'd be pretty funny to post on here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54v7w7/so_i_had_this_dream_of_eating_a_large_marshmallow/
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What was the problem with the midget prostitute?

She was always selling herself short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54v7on/what_was_the_problem_with_the_midget_prostitute/
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What's the difference between yogurt and America?

Yogurt could develop a culture after 200 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54v70r/whats_the_difference_between_yogurt_and_america/
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What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54v6cn/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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This is rigged!

Wife to Husband :
Will you take me out for dinner in the evening? Your options are:
A) Yes
B) A
C) B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54v46i/this_is_rigged/
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I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54v262/i_thought_my_new_girlfriend_might_be_the_one/
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What Is the Difference Between a ISIS Training Camp and a Iraqi School?

Can't Tell the Fucking Difference, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ux6e/what_is_the_difference_between_a_isis_training/
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Husband: What would you do if i won the lottery?

Wife: I'd take half and leave.
Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54uqh3/husband_what_would_you_do_if_i_won_the_lottery/
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Two satellites decide to get married.

The wedding wasn't "all that," but the reception was great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54upwq/two_satellites_decide_to_get_married/
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Insurance...

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ulca/insurance/
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I am voting for Donald Trump because he will personally end racism in America...

Racism can't exist if everybody's white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ugf3/i_am_voting_for_donald_trump_because_he_will/
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So a duck walks into a bar...

He waddles over to a seat and settles in.  The bartender says "Hey there, what can I get for you?"
And the duck says "I... I don't know.  I've never made it this far."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ueyf/so_a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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A widower heads down to the bar

And grabs a seat on a lonely stool. He orders a drink and takes out the newspaper.
A woman saddles up next to him and starts flirting. "Well hello there sir" she says with a smile.
He nods toward her and returns to his paper. "So do you come here often?" She presses on.
"Haven't really been out since my wife passed last year" he responds coldly.
"Aw I'm sorry to hear. But I'm sure a nice looking guy like you won't be single for long."  He gives her a forced smile and returns to his paper.
Never having been rejected like this the woman is flustered to make conversation. "So... do you like pussycats?"
The man slams down his paper, grabs the woman by the hand and leads her to the bathroom stall where he rips off her clothing and fucks her like shes never been fucked. Her hair a mess and catching a breath she looks over at him as he is buttoning back up his shirt, "how'd you know what I wanted?"
"How'd you know my name is Katz?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54udsp/a_widower_heads_down_to_the_bar/
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Math Exam

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ude5/math_exam/
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What do you call a hobosexual?

A bum fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54uapv/what_do_you_call_a_hobosexual/
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What do we want?

Race-car noises!
When do we want them?
Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54u8cm/what_do_we_want/
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A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant...

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54u793/a_bakery_owner_hires_a_young_female_shop_assistant/
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My Spanish teacher taught me the word for "Transgender"

I asked him if the word is masculine or feminine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54u64q/my_spanish_teacher_taught_me_the_word_for/
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Log Joke

A mathematician is asked what type of log do you find in the forest?
He says ln(x).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54u3lt/log_joke/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54u25w/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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3 women in a bar..

talking about how loose they are.
One fits a sausage
one fits a cocumber
and the other one slides down the bar stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54tzj6/3_women_in_a_bar/
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I'm voting for Trump...

I've never seen a president assassinated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54tvhj/im_voting_for_trump/
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A polar bear and a black bear are taking a stroll in the arctic...

When suddenly, the polar bear falls in some water he starts to panic and says, "Help, I'm dissolving!" the black bear replies with, "No you aren't bears are insoluble!" the polar bear says, "That's easy for you to say, you're non-polar!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ttkt/a_polar_bear_and_a_black_bear_are_taking_a_stroll/
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What makes a joke about ISIS funny?

The execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ttf2/what_makes_a_joke_about_isis_funny/
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Elon Musk's new MasterCard Ad.

Getting a person to Mars?: $100,000.
Getting them back?: Priceless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54tsvx/elon_musks_new_mastercard_ad/
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My Dog Named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex." He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too!"
Then, I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then, I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny -- I have the same problem."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."
Then, I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54toox/my_dog_named_sex/
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Went out to dinner with a cannibal last night..

It cost me an arm and a leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54tmvu/went_out_to_dinner_with_a_cannibal_last_night/
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They say puns are bad to bring up during gay sex...

Butt fuck that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54tlqh/they_say_puns_are_bad_to_bring_up_during_gay_sex/
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What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54tl1c/what_walks_on_8_legs_until_its_one_years_old_4/
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What's the difference between a pick-up artist and an Atari 2600?

An Atari 2600 has more game.
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54tjze/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickup_artist_and/
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How many black people does it take to start a riot?

One less than before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54tiqc/how_many_black_people_does_it_take_to_start_a_riot/
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The crossed eyed teacher...

...had trouble controling his pupils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54thhq/the_crossed_eyed_teacher/
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How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?

One. He holds it up and the world revolves around him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54the9/how_many_harvard_students_does_it_take_to_change/
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I just got my first hand job.

I'm officially a manicurist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54tfly/i_just_got_my_first_hand_job/
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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...
I'll see myself out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54tec1/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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A golden retriever walks into a bar

Stop reading if you heard this one before. The dog sits at the bar, locks eyes with the bartender and wearily says "One beer, one shot, please."
The bartender says "Holy moly! A talking dog! You should be in the circus, buddy!"
The goldie says "Why? Do they need an electrician?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54t8mp/a_golden_retriever_walks_into_a_bar/
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I'm putting my standards up for adoption

Because I can't raise them anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54t7w9/im_putting_my_standards_up_for_adoption/
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How do you tell if your gas station attendant is a former porn star?

Right before he finishes pumping your gas he takes it out and sprays it all over your car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54t145/how_do_you_tell_if_your_gas_station_attendant_is/
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Four men are out golfing...

Four men are out golfing one day, when at one point they ask one of the guys to go fetch them some beers, which he does so. The remaining three men start a conversation about their sons.
"My son is a successful realtor. He just got a new house last week!" Says the first man.
"That's nothing. My son runs a car dealership and has just received two cars!" Says the second.
"My son is now a successful broker in New York, and has a super good stock portfolio!" Says the third man.
A while later the fourth man comes back with the beers. They say "We've been talking about our sons. What is your son up to?"
The fourth man replies "Well apparently he is a male prostitute nowadays. I'm not necessarily supportive of his decisions, but he must be really damn good, since he recently got a new house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54sydf/four_men_are_out_golfing/
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Why did the lizard take viagra?

He suffered from a reptile disfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54sy8j/why_did_the_lizard_take_viagra/
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How do you hold an umbrella for a feminist without offending said feminist?

She doesn't need one. The glass ceiling keeps her dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54sy4e/how_do_you_hold_an_umbrella_for_a_feminist/
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Breaking - Trump emailed Hillary Clinton his tax returns

She just accidentally deleted them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54swml/breaking_trump_emailed_hillary_clinton_his_tax/
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It's 80 degrees in San Francisco today.

Girls are wearing skirts so short you can almost see their dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54suw6/its_80_degrees_in_san_francisco_today/
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Have you seen the new recycling center around here?

No?
But you're already in /r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54sslw/have_you_seen_the_new_recycling_center_around_here/
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Donald has written a lot of books about business, but there's an interesting characteristic they all share...

They all seem to end at Chapter 11.
Credit (to my dismay): HRC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54sru5/donald_has_written_a_lot_of_books_about_business/
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A woman finds out about her cheating husband......

....from her friends on a night out, so,
full of wine, bitterness and anger, her friends send her home in a taxi, she arrives home wanting revenge on this cheating shit,
grabbing a sharp knife from the kitchen, she heads for the bedroom,
there he is, fast asleep, she slowly pulls the covers off him,
takes hold of his cock, and in one quick movement,
slices it off at the base!
He jumps up screaming, blood squirting everywhere,
in shock at what she's done the woman runs out of the house,
only stopping to drop the knife and grab the car keys,
she speeds off into the night,
she hadn't gone far when she passed a police car at 90mph,
she then realised that she still held the severed penis in her hand and threw it out the window, it went sailing through the air and bounced off the windscreen of the cop car she just passed,
the cops looked at each other,
"did you see how fast that idiot was going?" said the first,
"fuck that" said the other cop
"did you see the size of the cock on that fly!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54srko/a_woman_finds_out_about_her_cheating_husband/
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My friend says he has a job putting down sick cats.

Can't believe he gets paid to slay mad pussy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54sqp4/my_friend_says_he_has_a_job_putting_down_sick_cats/
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The first rule of winter sex

The one who has a running nose has to be under the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54spzf/the_first_rule_of_winter_sex/
%
Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it,
the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading,
"WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to
see.
People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a
large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the
course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how
the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their
position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft
support building, they gave me a technically correct but
entirely useless answer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54spi9/found_this_on_my_computer_science_teachers_webpage/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad that I finally had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54sol2/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54smd0/whats_worse_than_waking_up_at_a_party_and_finding/
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Life is like toilet paper

you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54sm8w/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
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Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the hell out of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54skci/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
%
Saw an old couple arguing at each other in public yesterday

Apparently one of them is going to be president

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54sk6h/saw_an_old_couple_arguing_at_each_other_in_public/
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Why are there so many doctors in India?

Because about 20 million people are Sikh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54sjew/why_are_there_so_many_doctors_in_india/
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My boss was trying to come up with ways to be more romantic in the bedroom...

My bosses' wife Cindy was very attracted to hairy men -- such as men with mustaches and thick body hair... so he thought it would be a cute gesture to shave his wife's name in his chest hair. So he went into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror and carefully shaved "Cindy" into his chest. That night in the bedroom, his wife ripped off his shirt and said... "what the hell is Ydnic?"
When he told me this story, I said "Thank God her name isn't something like... lana!"
(Inspired by a true conversation.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54sixm/my_boss_was_trying_to_come_up_with_ways_to_be/
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Crazy ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates

They'll kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54sa2z/crazy_ex_girlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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I have ADHD

How do I upgrade to AD4K?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54s4vg/i_have_adhd/
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My wife’s cooking is so bad

we usually pray after our food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54s027/my_wifes_cooking_is_so_bad/
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What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rzra/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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I've taken up meditation

It's better than sitting around doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rz0x/ive_taken_up_meditation/
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Saw my ex-gf being beaten up by 4 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help..

She didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ry5d/saw_my_exgf_being_beaten_up_by_4_guys_so_as_a/
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Jack partied hard with his friends...

Jack partied hard with his friends. It was late and they all passed out. Next morning he went home to a very angry wife. She asked him where did he sleep. He said "At my friend's house.."
So she called 10 of his closest friends.
7 of them assured he slept in their houses.
2 swore to God he's still sleeping.
The last one told her: "I will let him call you as soon as he comes out of the toilet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rxug/jack_partied_hard_with_his_friends/
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older man discovers the subreddit showerthoughts one afternoon.....

That evening discovers phones is not waterproof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rxen/older_man_discovers_the_subreddit_showerthoughts/
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My mate just rang me and said "what are you doing at the moment?"

I said, "probably failing my driving test."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rx7j/my_mate_just_rang_me_and_said_what_are_you_doing/
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John Wilkes Booth is one of history's greatest stand-up comedians

I heard he really killed at Ford's Theatre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rwkf/john_wilkes_booth_is_one_of_historys_greatest/
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The United Kingdom.

A country whose name is now ironic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ruxy/the_united_kingdom/
%
Brothels in Thailand have a red and white striped pole outside like a barbars shop!

I didn't know!
Imagine my shock when I went in and asked for a 'number 2 all over'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rsyf/brothels_in_thailand_have_a_red_and_white_striped/
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Big Dumb

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some ofthe ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.She told her son, "The bigger they are thedumber the person is."The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell hismother that many of the men have larger"units" than his dad.His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rnwf/big_dumb/
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The president of Valve walks into a bar with 2 colleagues.

The waitress approaches their table and the president orders drinks for them.
"We'll need 2 beers and 1 beer please."
The waitress looks confused.  "So you need 3 beers?"
The president is also confused. "What the hell is 3?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rmm0/the_president_of_valve_walks_into_a_bar_with_2/
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How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rkat/how_do_you_turn_a_fruit_into_a_vegetable/
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A man walks into a brothel..

The attendant behind the desk says "Beat it. We're closed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rk1i/a_man_walks_into_a_brothel/
%
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book about autofellatio

"Well," says the librarian "We actually do have a book on that subject. It's that one over there, with the broken spine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rjk3/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_the_librarian/
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What is a chemists favourite type of music?

Heavy Metals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rftb/what_is_a_chemists_favourite_type_of_music/
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Jack, do you think i'm a bad mother?

My name is Billy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rfj6/jack_do_you_think_im_a_bad_mother/
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This is My "classic" joke

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rfb6/this_is_my_classic_joke/
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I took a selfie with my uncle. Everyone behind us shook their heads.

I never know how to behave at wakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rd5w/i_took_a_selfie_with_my_uncle_everyone_behind_us/
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If Trump is elected President

It won't be the first time he has kicked a black family out of their house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54rair/if_trump_is_elected_president/
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What do you call a guy who can't get a word in edgewise during an argument?

A "moderator", apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54r7gr/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_cant_get_a_word_in/
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I was in a computer room in college today...

A black person asked where the coloured printer was. I said, "it's 2016 you can use any printer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54r3q7/i_was_in_a_computer_room_in_college_today/
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In the beginning there was nothing...

Then God said "Let there be light!"
And there was light.
There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qyrk/in_the_beginning_there_was_nothing/
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What's the difference between a large chested lobster and a dirty bus stop?

One's a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qymv/whats_the_difference_between_a_large_chested/
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A young boy uses the bathroom in school and wipes his ass with his hand when there's no toilet paper...

... Since he had nothing to wipe with, he comes back to the classroom with his hands cupped, hiding the shit.
The teacher notices and asks him, "what do you have in your hand?"
"Oh don't worry," the little boy says. "It's a little leprechaun."
"Now don't lie to me, show me what you have in your hand." replied the teacher.
"I told you, it's a little leprechaun. If I show him to you, he'll get scared and run away." said the student.
At this point the teacher started to get frustrated.
"If you don't show me what's in your hand, I'm sending you to the principals office and calling your parents." the teacher threatened angrily.
The little boy refuses, so he gets sent to the principals office.
Once there, the conversation happens again.
"I heard you were lying to your teacher and wouldn't show her what you were hiding in your hand." said the principal.
Oh don't worry," the little boy says. "I wasn't lying. It's a little leprechaun. If I show him to you, he'll get scared and run away."
"Please don't lie to me, show me what you have in your hand." said the principal.
"I told you, it's a little leprechaun. If I show him to you, he'll get scared and run away." said the student.
The principal was also frustrated at being lied to.
"Fine. If you don't want to show me what's in your hand, you can explain it to your parents. They're on their way now." said the principal.
A short time later, the boys parents arrived at the school, furious that they had to leave work to come deal with him.
His mother tried unsuccessfully for several minutes to get the boy to show her what was in his hands, but the boy refused with the same excuse.
"If I show him to you, he's going to get scared and run away."
At this point the father was just standing by silently, shaking with rage. When he couldn't take any more, he blew up at his son.
"I SWEAR TO CHRIST, I'VE ALREADY TAKEN TOO MUCH TIME OUT OF MY DAY TO DEAL WITH THIS BULLSHIT. IF YOU DON'T SHOW YOUR MOTHER AND I WHAT'S IN YOUR HAND RIGHT NOW YOU AREN'T GOING TO LIVE TO REGRET IT!" he screamed at his son.
The son, white as a sheet, stared at his father with wide eyes and opening his hands.
With a small voice, he squeaked out,
"....look dad... You scared the crap out of him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qu4f/a_young_boy_uses_the_bathroom_in_school_and_wipes/
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A lot of guys found Princess Leia attractive...

...but for me she ticks Alderaan boxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qqj5/a_lot_of_guys_found_princess_leia_attractive/
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I've never been fucked.

A lady with no arms or legs was sitting on the beach looking into the sunset sobbing. As a lone man was walking by with his dog he noticed the lady crying and decided to go over and ask if everything was alright.
Man: Excuse me ma’am is everything ok?
Lady: No. (sniffles) Not really.
Man: Well if you don’t mind me asking, what’s the matter?
Lady: I have never been hugged.
He proceeds to give her a hug. As he backs away he notices she is still crying.
Man: Why are you still crying? I gave you a hug.
Lady: I have never been kissed either. (more sniffles)
Man: Okay well… here.
He leans in and gives her a kiss. To his amazement she is still crying.
Man: Ma’am why are you still crying? I gave you the hug and kiss you asked for.
Lady: I have never been fucked.
He stands up looks around and says “Okay come on.” Bends down and picks up the no armed and no legged lady. He walks down to the shore and throws her in the ocean then yells “NOW YOU’RE FUCKED!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qqay/ive_never_been_fucked/
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A young boy asks his dad.....

Dad I hear boys talking at school,
and I want to know, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
Dad takes him to see his mother who is still asleep, he gently pulls the covers back to reveal her naked lower half and says:
that son is a pussy, the boy reaches out,
No son! you mustn't touch it......
you'll wake the cunt up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qq21/a_young_boy_asks_his_dad/
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Whats a mans favorite word that starts with 'm' and ends in 'arriage'?

A miscarriage!
This joke never gets old, just like the baby!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qo34/whats_a_mans_favorite_word_that_starts_with_m_and/
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A guy shows up late for work.

The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qmrq/a_guy_shows_up_late_for_work/
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Wanna know how easy it is to sleep with a fat chick?

Piece of cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qlem/wanna_know_how_easy_it_is_to_sleep_with_a_fat/
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Police nearly apprehended a drug dealer selling cocaine in a tobacco store.

They were close, but no cigar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qkf4/police_nearly_apprehended_a_drug_dealer_selling/
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For Halloween, our daughter is dressing up as joke telling jack-o'-lantern.

She's our little pun-kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qk4u/for_halloween_our_daughter_is_dressing_up_as_joke/
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What do you call a dog who does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qjum/what_do_you_call_a_dog_who_does_magic_tricks/
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Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina,

were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: "What's that?"
Tina: "A condom."
Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"
Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qjn2/two_old_ladies_sunny_and_tina/
%
A man is stranded on a desert island...

... When all of a sudden a beautiful brunette in full scuba gear strides out of the water surrounding the island. She sits down next to the awestruck man and says, "Would you like a cigarette?" The man agrees, and she unzips a pouch on her thigh and pulls out some cigarettes and a lighter.
After they've finished their cigarettes, the brunette says, "Would you like a drink?"
The man agrees, and the woman opens a small bag at her waist, and takes out a small bottle of champagne and two glasses. As they sip their drinks, the brunette leans forward and says, "Would you like to play around?"
The man's eyes widen and he yells, "You've got golf clubs in there as well?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qit4/a_man_is_stranded_on_a_desert_island/
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A man goes to a doctor...

And the doc says, "I have some bad news and some worse news."
The man says, "OK, give me the worst news first."
The doc says, "You have stage 4 cancer throughout your brain and mouth and you aren't likely to survive more than 4 months."
The man says, "Well that's really bad, what's the other news?"
The doc says, "You have alzheimers too."
The man sits and thinks a bit and finally says, "Well, that's not so bad at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qi9j/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor/
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What's reddit without the R&D?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qfsx/whats_reddit_without_the_rd/
%
Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qfj7/congratulations_to_the_winner_of_last_nights/
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Tale of the banana.

There once was a young man who was so enthralled with bananas that he decided to go down to the tropics and start up a plantation of his own. He saved up his money and within a few years, found himself in a jungle city making deals to purchase the land required to start a plantation. This however, was very easy, and once he found the appropriate plot of land, he set out to find banana seeds.
This was where he ran into trouble. Everyone had bananas, but no one had banana seeds. In fact no one knew from where to get banana seeds, and this frustrated him greatly. Finally one old man took pity on his plight and suggested that he would tell him how to get banana seeds.
“To grow bananas from seed, you must first have the right banana. Fortunately I have such bananas for sale, and I will sell you some. But getting the seeds out is hard work. You see, you have to cut off the end of the seed banana, like this, and then you have to suck on the open end. You have to suck and suck, and not give up until you get a seed. After the first seed, the rest of the seeds come out easier,” explained the old man.
The young man thought this very peculiar, but he bought the bananas and took them home. He cut off the end of one banana, and started to suck. He sucked all the banana insides out, but no banana seed came out. Thinking perhaps he had a dud banana, he picked out another and repeated the procedure. Finally, he gave up and decided to come back to the guy who sold him the “special” bananas and complain.
“So you sucked until there was no more banana left in the skin, you say? But did you keep on sucking on the banana after that? You have to continue to suck the banana until it is well past empty. Then the seeds will come out. Go home and try it again,” said the old man.
He returned home and cut open yet another banana again, and began to suck on the banana again. He sucked until the banana was completely sucked empty, and his lips turned blue. He was sure he was being ripped off by the old man, and he went back to him the next day.
“Those bananas were good seed bananas, but if you don’t believe me, I will give you this bunch of seed bananas for free. But I tell you there is no other way to get banana seeds than to suck on an empty banana. If you do not get any seeds from this bunch or the last bunch, you may come back here, and I will give you all your money back. But I am sure you will have all the seeds you want if you really put yourself into extracting the seeds,” the old man recommended.
Well, the young man decided he would put his best effort into these new bananas, that one way or another, he would suck the seeds out of them. He concentrated his efforts on one of the new bananas, emptying it of the fruit. When he was sucking on just the skin, he kept at it, and finally after a couple hours, he felt something in his mouth. It has small, hard; it was a seed ! He sucked some more and soon he had a handful of seeds from just one banana. He then followed up on all the other bananas of both bunches, and by the next day, he was ready to plant.
The moral of this story is: If at first you don’t suck seeds, try and try again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qf6j/tale_of_the_banana/
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Me and my step son were watching letters and numbers

Letters and numbers is a show where contestants are given a certain number of letters and 30sec to make the biggest word or 6 different numbers and 30sec to reach a target number using only those given once with the standard 4 operations.
So I'm watching with my son and one of the contestants is a dwarf/midget (the politically correct term) and he is smashing it! He managed to reach the target number in less than 10 seconds! And I go wow! He's so smart at maths.
My son turns to me and says
Because it's the little things that count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qew9/me_and_my_step_son_were_watching_letters_and/
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A rich guy suspects that his wife is cheating on him. So he hid a razor in her vagina when she was drunk

He told his 3 bodyguards that he was going to travel for a few days. When he came back he assembled them in a room and asked the first one to take off his pants, his dick was fine so he dismissed so he said ''YES SIR'' and left the room, the second one was asked the same thing and his dick was fine as well so he dismissed him, again he said ''YES SIR'' and left the room. The third one's dick was fine as well. The rich guy was confused but he dismissed him anyways the bodyguard said ''Yeth Thir'' and left the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qc2x/a_rich_guy_suspects_that_his_wife_is_cheating_on/
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I've just discovered that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54qb7v/ive_just_discovered_that_im_allergic_to_cats/
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet:

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54q8l3/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
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What's the best thing about being a female mime?

There's no glass ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54q8ek/whats_the_best_thing_about_being_a_female_mime/
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I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks.

Dad loved her, but mum said she could’ve done with another hour on a low heat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54q6qp/i_tried_my_best_to_prepare_my_girlfriend_for/
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A couple have a lot of sex

They challenge each other to see who can have the most sex in a month. The woman wins.
Some say she cheated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54q5p1/a_couple_have_a_lot_of_sex/
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My friend recently found out that he is both gay and dyslexic...

He is still in Daniel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54q2lq/my_friend_recently_found_out_that_he_is_both_gay/
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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks
"Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we have tomatoes, we have potatoes, but we're totally out of onions"
the woman then says "oh well, then I will have two tomatoes, two potatoes and two onions please"
the man says "miss I am sorry but like I said we do not have any onions left"
the lady then says "oh I must have miss heard you, then I would have one tomato, one potato and one onion, please."
the man gets a little but frustrated with the lady and says "alright, let's play a game, if you take the 'omato' out of tomato, what do you get?"
the woman confused says "you would get 't' "
the man says "correct, and if you would take the 'otato' out of potato, what would you get ?"
the woman says "you would get 'p'"
the man then says to her "correct again! now, if you take the 'FUCK' out of onion what would you get then ?"
the woman very much confused says "but.... there is no 'fuck' in onion. "
and the man screams "*CORRECT! THERE IS NO FUCKING ONION!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54q1lm/tomato_potato_lettuces_get_your_vegetables_here/
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The debates flipped gender roles.

Last night we saw an argument between a woman who wanted to talk facts, and a man who only wanted to talk about his feelings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54pziq/the_debates_flipped_gender_roles/
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I don't always use complete sentences

But when I do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54pzf6/i_dont_always_use_complete_sentences/
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I went to a pet shop to buy a goldfish today...

The worker asked if I'd like an aquarium, but I told him "I don't care what starsign it is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54pynm/i_went_to_a_pet_shop_to_buy_a_goldfish_today/
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Friends are like boobs...

Some are small, some are big, some are real, some are fake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54pybx/friends_are_like_boobs/
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Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery...

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54pwg2/hillary_clinton_and_donald_trump_go_into_a_bakery/
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A Father's Last Request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54pw81/a_fathers_last_request/
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TIL Hours before Edison died , he came out of coma , opened his eyes and said "It is very beautiful over there"

Well tesla said it first anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54pw52/til_hours_before_edison_died_he_came_out_of_coma/
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Call your son Jack

So you can drop your wife and Jack off every morning.
(Actually heard a friend said that)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ptnv/call_your_son_jack/
%
Have you heard about the curator of the Slavic History exhibit?

He's forever Russian around, Czeching that everything gets Polished

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ppvt/have_you_heard_about_the_curator_of_the_slavic/
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What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef-jerky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ppcc/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_a_twitch/
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Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."

Patient: "Go with the good news first."
Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "What?! How about the bad news?"
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54po8k/doctor_i_have_good_news_and_bad_news/
%
Who lost the American Presidential Debate?

America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54pny7/who_lost_the_american_presidential_debate/
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A woman converting to Islam

is like a black person converting to slavery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54pndy/a_woman_converting_to_islam/
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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket....

...She then exclaims some arsehole has my pen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54pgdj/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
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There is one great thing about cancer

It does a fantastic job of getting rid of those weird hairless kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54p4ao/there_is_one_great_thing_about_cancer/
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Last requests

After I die, I have 2 requests on what shall happen to me.
1) I want my remains spread around Disney world.
2) I do not wish to be cremated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54p1b8/last_requests/
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You know what really surprised me about the debate tonight?

Turns out it *is* possible to have a worse moderator than the team over  at /r/news!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ozbh/you_know_what_really_surprised_me_about_the/
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What the difference between a feminist and a knife?

A knife has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54oz74/what_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_knife/
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Teacher to a 4 Year old kid: What's your Mom's name?

Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time....
Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then?
Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54oxvs/teacher_to_a_4_year_old_kid_whats_your_moms_name/
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Jimmy and the "Classic-Vlasic-Ass-Lick"

Jimmy goes to see a beautiful dominatrix that all his buddies recommended.
He nervously tells her, "My friends said I should ask you for a 'Classic-Vlasic-Ass-Lick'. But they wouldn't tell me anything about it. What is it exactly?"
She explains, "Well, first I'm going to strip you naked, tie you up, bend you over my knees and spank you like a naughty child.  That's the Classic part."
"Then I'm going to stick one of these Vlasic brand pickles in your cute little pickle hole."
"And finally, I'm going to give you the most amazing, toe cracking, rim job of you life. The Ass-Lick."
Well, Jimmy isn't thrilled with the idea of getting tied up, spanked and sticking a pickle up his posterior. Or even sure he'd enjoy analingus. Plus, it was a little expensive.  But he agrees to pay for a Classic-Vlasic-Ass-Lick, since all his buddies said it was incredible.
So she strips him down, ties him up, bends him over and starts spanking him with various toys.
Jimmy is surprised how much he is enjoying it, but still pretty nervous about the pickle insertion, so he asks her to please be gentle when she sticks the pickle in his behind.
She tells him not to worry, grabs a large pickle and a paddle, and gently pounds it deep inside Jimmy's rear end, until that pickled cucumber disapears with a "pop!"
Then she proceeds to give him the most amazing, toe cracking, multiple orgasm inducing, rim job of his life.
When finished, Jimmy exclaims, "That was incredible!  But how exactly do I get the pickle out now?"
"No idea." She says. "All my other clients prefer to just eat the pickle."
"What!?" Jimmy sputters. "My mouth was the pickle hole!? Why did you stick it up my ass?!"
"You asked me to put in your behind."
Thinking back, Jimmy realizes she is technically correct.  Now he is in a real pickle, because a pickle is in him.
"Well that was a bad deal."  Jimmy mumbles. "I have no idea how to get this crappy pickle out."
"Sorry, no refunds. But you know you loved it." she replies, "You got a good dill, just relish it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54oxu4/jimmy_and_the_classicvlasicasslick/
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What fuels electronics but drains a relationship?

Battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ovia/what_fuels_electronics_but_drains_a_relationship/
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My favorite joke from tonight's debate

"you have 2 minutes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54op71/my_favorite_joke_from_tonights_debate/
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Once upon a time I tried to make a joke in a music class

Sadly, it fell flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ooz0/once_upon_a_time_i_tried_to_make_a_joke_in_a/
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what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea

a salt with a deadly wetpen
*hides*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54one0/what_do_you_call_sodium_chloride_crossed_with_a/
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What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down into a tire and call it a good year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54oklk/what_do_you_do_with_365_used_condoms/
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Who do you ask about Donald Trump's stamina?

His daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54oj8q/who_do_you_ask_about_donald_trumps_stamina/
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After the presidential debate, they debate about the debate.

Mind Blown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54oif5/after_the_presidential_debate_they_debate_about/
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What are the 2 rules of success?

No1 : Don't tell everything you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ogoy/what_are_the_2_rules_of_success/
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What's the difference between an erection and a Ferrari?

[whisper] I don't have a Ferrari.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54odgc/whats_the_difference_between_an_erection_and_a/
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My buddy drowned the other day

I placed a life jacket in his coffin
It's what he would've wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54odg7/my_buddy_drowned_the_other_day/
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If someone obsessed over Japanese culture is a weeaboo...

Then is someone obsessed over French culture a ouiaboo?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54o6vj/if_someone_obsessed_over_japanese_culture_is_a/
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Why did they call the masseuse sexist?

He was massage-anistic..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54o6g3/why_did_they_call_the_masseuse_sexist/
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What did the magician say to the cell?

Might I conjure Ya?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54o6ao/what_did_the_magician_say_to_the_cell/
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I like to steal pictures of people's breakfast and post them again

I guess you could say I'm a cereal reposter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54o3si/i_like_to_steal_pictures_of_peoples_breakfast_and/
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We lost a planet but gained a zodiac sign.

I guess that's a good constellation prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54o39p/we_lost_a_planet_but_gained_a_zodiac_sign/
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My dad had a college teacher that told the same joke every day...

At the start of every day he would say (in a heavy af accent), "hello my name is Mr Habawidishco and I'm from turkey........ BUT I AM NOT ONE" then he would just die of laughter.. Every fucking day lmao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54o2lr/my_dad_had_a_college_teacher_that_told_the_same/
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The Presidential Debate

We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54o2br/the_presidential_debate/
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A monk walks into a bar...

Nah just kidding....
A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54nxkh/a_monk_walks_into_a_bar/
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What makes the ocean roar?

You'd roar too if you had crabs on your bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54nvih/what_makes_the_ocean_roar/
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Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby?

Mr. Bigger's baby, because he's just a little Bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54nu4n/whos_bigger_mr_bigger_or_mr_biggers_baby/
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The president of EA walks into a bar

For $2 you can download the punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54nnup/the_president_of_ea_walks_into_a_bar/
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A builder came up to me.

He said, "Do you know how to make a fruit stand?"
"Yes," I said. "You just have to balance it on a flat surface."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54nlvr/a_builder_came_up_to_me/
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A guide to procrastination...

I'll tell you later...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54nlcq/a_guide_to_procrastination/
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HUSBAND WANTED

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I can not run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54nj3d/husband_wanted/
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If two wrongs make a right...

Then what do two wrights make?
A plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54nctf/if_two_wrongs_make_a_right/
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Heaven and hell!!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket full of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike overtook him !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ncmz/heaven_and_hell/
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I'm too much of an environmentalist...

Oh well, not many fish left in the sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54naii/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_im_too/
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What kind of tea did the american colonists want?

Liberty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54n94k/what_kind_of_tea_did_the_american_colonists_want/
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Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a debate...

America says, "What is this, a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54n8hr/hillary_clinton_and_donald_trump_walk_into_a/
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The Farmer and the Monk

A young farmhand was once unfortunate enough to share a room at the inn with an old monk, who talked incessantly from evening's light to morning glow about matters of philosophy and science. Bored of the one-sided conversation, the monk soon proposed a challenge of wits.
The farmhand was uninterested in testing his wits against the monk, no matter how much his roommate raised the stakes. Finally the monk offered the farmhand substantial odds: "I will give you 50 gold coins for every question of yours I cannot answer, if you will give me 5 gold coins for every question YOU cannot answer."
At this, the farmhand agreed.
"Very well!" exclaimed the monk. he eagerly tried to think of a question sufficient to challenge the farmhand, but simple enough to keep the game interesting. "How would one measure the volume of an irregularly shaped object?" he asked, his eyes gleaming.
Without even bothering to think about it, the farmhand handed the monk 5 gold coins.
The monk was disappointed, but prepared himself for the farmhand's challenge.
For his turn, the farmhand pinched his face deep in thought. Finally, he asked: "What has the heart of a tiger, the wisdom of an eagle, and the strength of an ox?"
Delighted by the riddle, the monk leapt to his feet and began pacing around the room. For six hours he was mercifully silent as he pondered the farmhand's conundrum. Soon, he grew irritable. Eventually his face sunk with fury and disdain. "Alas, alas! I give up!" he cried, waving his arms. Reluctantly he withdrew a sack of coins and counted out fifty precious gold pieces for the farmhand. The Tiller happily accepted his winnings.
The monk stared at his roommate. "Well!" he said at last. "What is the answer to your riddle?"
Wordlessly, the farmhand handed the monk 5 gold coins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54n7rz/the_farmer_and_the_monk/
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Did you hear they're doing a remake of Dumb and Dumber?

It's on tonight on every major network, tonight at 9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54n7qp/did_you_hear_theyre_doing_a_remake_of_dumb_and/
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Solution to a Man's temper

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the Doctor looking refreshed and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor said: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54n3md/solution_to_a_mans_temper/
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A patient wakes up from surgery and exclaims 'Doctor! Doctor! What's wrong with me? I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replies: Yes, well I'm afraid we had to amputate both your arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54mzxn/a_patient_wakes_up_from_surgery_and_exclaims/
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Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54mxxi/normally_i_hate_those_trashy_fake_rigged_reality/
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There once was a man from Peru

Whose limerick was three lines too few.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54mx7z/there_once_was_a_man_from_peru/
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Science created airplanes and skyscrapers

Faith brought them together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54mvon/science_created_airplanes_and_skyscrapers/
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There once was a beautiful land...

Known as Umbatu. Umbatu was an island, which was split almost directly down the middle by a tall mountain, Mount Okanaway. On either side of the mountain, there were small settlements. To the east resided Tridia. There were many beautiful trees bearing many tasty fruits and nuts, but clean drinking water was scarce. To the West was Relice. Relice was a very self reliant nation that kept to itself.
Legend told that atop Mount Okanaway stood a great giant that had not let any Trid past to ask aid of the Relicians in many centuries. The Trids grew desperate, and the elder counsel gathered on this day to come up with a plan to cross the mountain and ask for clean drinking water.
"We should send our strongest man! That way he can defeat the giant and carry back as much water as he can carry!" said one of the elders. Many more were in agreement, so they held a tournament to find the strongest man in the village.
After the the tournament had ended and a man was found, they sent him on his way up the mountain pass to begin his journey. A day or two later this man reach the peak of the mountain and was in awe when he found the legend was true! "Who are you!" the giant boasted. "Why, I am the strongest man in all of Tridia! I have come to ask aid of Relice!" the man replied. "Then you shall not pass!" the giant swung his mighty leg and kicked the man all the way back to Tridia.
The elder counsel was not pleased that their plan had not worked, and had come up with another plan to hopefully get aid from Relice. "Let us send our most beautiful woman to Mount Okanaway, that way she may woo the giant, and gain passage to Relice!" an elder commented, and many more agreed.
After spending a few hours scouring the village, they found the most beautiful woman in the village. There was no doubt in the elder counsel that this woman could bend the will of the giant, so they sent her on her way.
After a long trek through the mountain pass, the woman had made it to the sote of the giant. "Who are you!" the giant boasted yet again. "Why I am the most beautiful woman in Tridia! All of the Trids adore me and I could be yours if you would let me through to ask aid of the Relicians!" the woman replied. "You cannot bribe me with beauty!" the giant shouted, and kicked the woman with mighty force, all the way back to Tridia.
The elders had run out of ideas. They were becoming desperate and their people needed water. "May i be of assistance?" an old, foreign Jewish Rabbi from far off lands approached the elder counsel. "I do not think you could help old Rabbi. We sent our strongest man and our most beautiful woman to face the giant, and both were kicked all the back to Tridia! But if you must, you may try yourself and see the bottom of the giants foot for yourself!"
The Rabbi, not easily dissuaded, left for the mountain pass shortly thereafter. After a much longer hike than those before him, he finally reached the giant. "Excuse me giant, I am not the Strongest man, nor the most beautiful, but I am a Rabbi from distant lands. I have come to ask if i may pass and ask aid of Relice." the Rabbi spoke softly. "Why certainly" replied the giant and moved aside to allow the Rabbi to pass. As the Rabbi passed the giant, he asked "why did you allow me to pass, but not the man or woman before me?"
The giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54musg/there_once_was_a_beautiful_land/
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Why didn't the Asian man cry when his wife died?

Because he just couldn't bereave it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54mnw9/why_didnt_the_asian_man_cry_when_his_wife_died/
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Someone told me my math skills were average.

I replied that they were just being mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54mnr9/someone_told_me_my_math_skills_were_average/
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A car with 3 engineers and 1 computer scientist stalls on the freeway...

The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator"
The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that"
The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts"
The  computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets all get out of the car and get back in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54mlli/a_car_with_3_engineers_and_1_computer_scientist/
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Two boys, Nathaniel and Daniel, are captured by a madman.

Daniel is sent into a room with a one way window that only Daniel could see through. On the other side, he saw his friend, Nate, with the madman. Nate looked very frightened but if they've learned anything together during their years of friendship is that they'll always make it out of bad situations. The madman finishes talking to Nate and walks out of the room, Nate adopting a relieved smile on his face. Then, the madman walks into the room that Daniel is in. Daniel scoots back into his chair in fright.
"Now I'm not gonna hurt you," says the madman.
"You're not? Are you g- gonna hurt Nathaniel?" Daniel is literally trembling.
"No," he pauses, "you are."
Daniel, worried for his friend and himself, is presented with a table with a lever and a button.
"This button will allow you to be with your friend but trapped in here for a month. Or, you can flip this lever to allow you to escape but kill your friend Nate."
Daniel reluctantly reaches to press the button.
"Ah, the button. And why did you pick that option?"
"Well," Daniel says, "better Nate than lever."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54mj2g/two_boys_nathaniel_and_daniel_are_captured_by_a/
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just beat the room because its black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54mj1l/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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Procrastination is a lot like masturbation.....

in the end you're just fucking yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54mhuj/procrastination_is_a_lot_like_masturbation/
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Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got ajob."The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."The foreman then puts a piece of lumberon the table and says, "Ready!"The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."The foreman does this and says "Ready!"The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood,four by four, six foot long."The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stumpthe blind carpenter by taking off all of herclothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"The blind carpenter moves his head fromside to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."He got the job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54mge3/blind_carpenter/
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What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

HAAAAAAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54mfs5/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
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What do The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy Dead People.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54mdy7/what_do_the_sixth_sense_and_titanic_have_in_common/
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A planet died today

I read about it in the orbituaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54m9a1/a_planet_died_today/
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So that they can get closer to the sink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54m7bv/why_do_women_have_smaller_feet_than_men/
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Two hunters found a deep hole in the woods...

One hunter looked down in the hole and said to the other, "how deep you think that hole is?" The other hunter said "I don't know, lets throw somethin' down in there and see how long it takes to hit the bottom."
There was an old transmission laying next to the hole so the hunter picks it up and throws it in the hole and waits for the sound. A few seconds later a goat comes running full speed and jumps down into the hole. "That was strange" said one of the hunters.
A few minutes later the hunters encounter a farmer that was looking for his missing goat. They told him about witnessing the goat run into the hole and the farmer said "that's strange, I had him tied to an old transmission and he's never gotten loose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54m47g/two_hunters_found_a_deep_hole_in_the_woods/
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An Elderly Woman Goes to the Doctor [long]

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and he asks her what the problem is.
"Well, you see, lately I have been having terrible problems with gas.  Fortunately, they're very quiet and they have no odor.  In fact, you'd probably be surprised to know that I've passed wind 4 times since you've come into the room."
"I see," says the doctor.  He proceeds to examine her and writes her a prescription.
Two weeks later, the same woman comes into the office, indignant about her course of treatment.
"I don't know exactly what was in those pills you gave me, but it did NOT solve my gas problem.  While they are still silent, they now smell absolutely horrible," she states.
"Good, I'm glad to see that your sinus infection has cleared up.  Now, we need to get you an appointment with an audiologist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54m1hx/an_elderly_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_long/
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I used to have black friends

until my dad sold them :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54lyzk/i_used_to_have_black_friends/
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What’s more horrifying than finding a stack of dad’s playboys in the basement?

Realising one of them’s still breathing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54lx66/whats_more_horrifying_than_finding_a_stack_of/
%
A woman passes out after giving birth to twins...

She wakes up after two days and panics.
"Where are my babies?!" she yells.
"Your babies are safe and healthy," the nurse says. "You have been asleep for two days, and the hospital has a policy for naming newborns that says they need to be named within 24 hours of birth."
"But I was passed out! Can't I name them now?"
"We had to let your nearest relative, your brother, name them."
The woman freaks out, "My brother! He's such an idiot!... What did he name them? What did he name my daughter?"
"Denise."
"Oh, I love that name! What did he name my baby boy?"
"Denephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ltji/a_woman_passes_out_after_giving_birth_to_twins/
%
How does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?

... Eats his first Brownie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ls2q/how_does_a_cub_scout_become_a_boy_scout/
%
Did you hear about the white man who thought he was black?

Turns out, it was just a pigment of his imagination...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54lqwp/did_you_hear_about_the_white_man_who_thought_he/
%
A man walks into a pub and orders three pints

A man walks into a pub alone and orders three pints. The barkeep looks at him oddly and tells him "You know a pint starts to go flat as soon as it's poured."
The man nods and replies "Of course, but me and my two college mates used to go out drinking together all the time. The last time before we split off, we promised to drink a pint for each of us when we go out drinking."
The barkeep, touched by this, pours the man his three pints. The man became a regular at the pub, and true to his story, every time he came in he'd start with three pints.
One day the man came in and only ordered two pints. When the barkeep brought them to the man he said "My condolences for your loss."
The man looked confused for a moment, then laughed, "Oh no, I just quit drinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54lptt/a_man_walks_into_a_pub_and_orders_three_pints/
%
What's the worst part about being gay?

You cant think straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54loey/whats_the_worst_part_about_being_gay/
%
Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says, "hey, I'm really worried about this mad cow disease going around".

The second cow says, "I don't care, I'm a submarine!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54lnp6/two_cows_are_standing_in_a_field_the_first_cow/
%
English and American spellings

England: colour
America: color
England: humour
America: humor
England: flavour
America: flavor
England: What the hell are you doing?
America: Getting rid of u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54lkc0/english_and_american_spellings/
%
What does an old lady's pussy taste like?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54lgdy/what_does_an_old_ladys_pussy_taste_like/
%
Drummers always have such lame jokes...

I've heard them all like a Zildjian times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54lfqv/drummers_always_have_such_lame_jokes/
%
Arnold Palmer (RIP) joke

Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf. They come to a tee where the hole is on an island.
Moses says, "You gonna use a wood?"
Jesus says," No, Arnold Palmer would use a 9 iron."
Jesus does so, and his ball goes in the water. So he starts walking across the water to get his ball.
Another group comes up and asks Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"
"No, says Moses, "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54lf20/arnold_palmer_rip_joke/
%
My music teacher at school told me never to hit a drum again or I could get in serious trouble.

I did, and he was right. There was serious re-percussions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ldff/my_music_teacher_at_school_told_me_never_to_hit_a/
%
Overheard from a 14 year old: Why does Donald Trump watch the Olympics?

To see how high Mexicans can pole vault

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54lcf7/overheard_from_a_14_year_old_why_does_donald/
%
What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?

Get off me homes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54lbmb/what_did_the_mexican_say_when_two_houses_fell_on/
%
[NSFW] A woman sits down on a plane for a long flight

Sitting in the window seat next to her is a middle aged man. Some time after the plane takes off the man lets out a small "Achoo!". Immediately he unzips his pants, pulls his dick out, wipes it off.
Aghast, the woman is so stunned that before she can speak he's zipped back up, staring out the window like nothing happened. Some time later, she hears "Achoo!". The man quickly pulls his dick out, wipes it off, puts it back.
Three or four times later the shock has worn off and curiosity wins out, the woman finally works up the courage to confront the man.
"Excuse me, sir" she asks, "I can't help but notice your... situation there. Is there something wrong with you? Do you have some sort of problem I should know about?"
"Ah, that. I have a very rare neurological condition, you see" he replies, "Every time I sneeze, I involuntarily orgasm."
"Oh my, that's terrible!" responds the woman. "I'm so sorry! Are you taking anything to control it?"
"Yes" he says, "Pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54l7rk/nsfw_a_woman_sits_down_on_a_plane_for_a_long/
%
My statistics professor is certain he will get in shape this year.

He's doing confidence intervals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54l5d7/my_statistics_professor_is_certain_he_will_get_in/
%
3 drunk guys enterd a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54l5b9/3_drunk_guys_enterd_a_taxi/
%
Where would we be in the world without humour?

Germany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54l4uj/where_would_we_be_in_the_world_without_humour/
%
I don't believe my friend's story about the time he fit a whole watermelon up his ass.

It's just too much of a stretch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54l2m4/i_dont_believe_my_friends_story_about_the_time_he/
%
Apple fitness products don't work.

I tried the iHop and it only made me gain weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54l2j0/apple_fitness_products_dont_work/
%
A teacher asks three of his students a question

"In your own words, what does capitalism mean?"
The American student asks "What does 'define' mean?"
The Russian student asks "What does 'capitalism' mean?"
The North Korean student asks "What does 'in your own words' mean?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54l1xe/a_teacher_asks_three_of_his_students_a_question/
%
Why did the Irish man only eat two hundred and thirty nine beans?

If he ate one more, it would be too farty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kz2w/why_did_the_irish_man_only_eat_two_hundred_and/
%
Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs?

Watts the difference!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kwsz/dim_light_bulbs_or_bright_light_bulbs/
%
Forget everything you learned in College....

"Forget everything you learned in College, you won't need it working here."
"But I never went to college."
"I'm sorry your not qualified to work here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kwi3/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college/
%
You want to know the problem with cocaine?

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kuks/you_want_to_know_the_problem_with_cocaine/
%
Series of offensive jokes - you've been warned

A woman rubs a lamp, a genie pops out and grants her one wish.
The next night the Ku Klux Klan knock at her door and asks if she is the woman who wanted her husband hung like a black man
///
Q: What is a redneck virgin?
A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.
///
My girlfriend asked if I was a pedophile.
I told her that was a really big word for someone her age
///
I find this offensive; there's a black man in my family tree.
He's been hanging from it for a while now.
///
Q: Why does Mexico never win a medal at the Olympics?
A: All the ones that can run, climb, and swim are in the US
///
Q: What's the difference between a 4 year old and a bag of cocaine?
A: Eric Clapton would never let cocaine fall out of a window.
The kid was a great writer though, did 12 stories before he died.
///
A little kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man". She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.
He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards."
///
A Priest and a Rabbi are talking when a small boy walks by.
The priest says, "Wanna fuck that kid?"
The Rabbi says, "Out of what?"
///
A friend and I were walking along the railroad tracks when he said to me "Right up here is my favorite place. A few weeks ago I found a bottle of old granddad's whiskey. I drank it and was drunk the rest of the day."
I said: "no kidding? My favorite place is up here too." "Last week I found a girl tied to the railroad tracks. I untied her and we fucked for three days straight."
"That's awesome!" Said my friend, "did she give good head?" I looked at him and said " I don't know, I never did find that part."
///
I once went to an Ethiopian restaurant, we waited until we were hungry then left.
///
Q: What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
A: Fathers Day.
///
Q: Why does Eric Clapton use a Mac?
A: Windows killed his son.
///
Q: What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
A: Women
///
Q: Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
A: Because it wasn't born yesterday.
///
Q: Why do black people only have nightmares?
A: Because we killed the last one who had a dream.
///
Q: What's the best part about dead baby jokes?
A: They never get old.
///
Q: What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?
A: Michael Phelps can finish a race.
///
Q: Why does Beyoncé sing "to the left, to the left?"
A: Because blacks have no rights.
///
Never play Uno with a mexican; they always steal your green cards
///
An elderly Jewish woman wins the lottery, $30 million after taxes. She goes to her Rabbi to discuss what to do with the money.
She first says, "I'd like to spend $10 million on myself and my family."
The Rabbi replies, "It would be good to enjoy your winnings, and family is important."
She then says she'd like to donate another $10 million to the synagogue and the charity they run, since the synagogue has always been there for her, she'd like to give back.
The Rabbi says they could always use the money.
Then she says "I'd like to spend the last $10 million on a ten-foot golden statue of Adolf Hitler."
Naturally the Rabbi is quite horrified.
"Why would you want to memorialize such a monster?" he cries.
She rolls up her sleeve and responds, "He gave me the winning numbers."
///
Q: What's better than winning a Silver medal at the special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.
///
Q: What's difference between a black guy and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
///
Q: Why don't Spics and Niggers get married?
A: They are afraid their children will be too lazy to steal.
///
Two black guys are sitting at a bar when a gay man walks in and asks them if they'd like some blowjobs.
The two black guys immediately beat the shit out of him and return to their seats.
The bartender asks "What the hell did you do that for?"
One of the black guys says "Well, I'm not sure exactly what he said but he said something about jobs."
///
Q: Why is aspirin white?
A: You want it to work don't you?
///
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
///
A: What's the biggest dilemma for a Jew?
Q: Free pork
///
A plane is out of fuel and losing altitude quickly.
The pilot tells the crew that they have run out items to throw out of the plane and need to start throwing people out in order to land safely.
The crew asks how to decide who to sacrifice. The pilot says to just go alphabetically.
A flight attendant then announces to the passengers, "Could all of the Africans, Blacks, and Colored-people please come to the front of the plane".
A black child turns to his father and asks, "Should we go to the front daddy?". The father responds, "No, son, we're niggers today."
///
Q: A black guy and a Mexican guy are in a car, who is driving?
A: The police officer.
///
Asians are so terrible at driving,
I'm beginning to believe pearl harbor was an accident.
///
They say that there's strength in numbers.
Tell that to six million Jews.
///
Q: What do elevators in Ethiopia say?
A: 100 kg or 200 people
///
Q: What's the difference between Jews and Santa Claus?
A: Santa comes down the chimney
///
Q: What's the difference between cancer and Black people?
A: Cancer got Jobs
///
Q: How does a black woman fight crime?
A: She has an abortion
///
Q: What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
///
Q: What's the difference between a nigger and a snow tire?
A: A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.
///
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
We're having sex,
Because I'm stronger than you
///
Q: Do you know why so many black people believe in God?
A: Because he's the only father they will ever know.
///
"Snigger" -> "Laughrican American"
///
A little boy asks his dad what's the difference between a "pussy" and a "cunt".
Dad goes and gets one of his Playboy magazines and opens it the centerfold.
See that hairy thing between her legs? That's the pussy, everything else around it is the cunt.
///
Q: What do black people and tornadoes have in common?
A: It only takes one to ruin a neighbourhood.
///
A black guy's walking in a park, when he sees a Chinese man skip rocks across a pond.
He approaches the man and asks what he's doing.
The Chinese man replies, "Whenever I skip a rock, I can hear the names of my ancestors."
He skips a rock across the pond, and they both hear a CHING CHANG CHONG.
The black man grabs a rock and skips it across the pond.
There's nothing to be heard. "Huh?", the black guy said, "That must have been my father."
///
Q: Why do Ethiopian girls give the best blow jobs?
A: You know she'll swallow.
///
Q: What do black people and bikes have in common?
A: They stop working when you take the chains off
///
Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing. I already told her twice
///
Q: What's worse than a holocaust?
A: 6 million jews.
///
Q: What song was I singing about the Twin Towers?
A: "It's raining men"
///
Q: How does a Black girl know that she's pregnant?
A: She pulls her tampon out and all the cotton has been picked.
///
Did you hear about the two car pile-up in Mexico? 200 people died
///
Q: How come Jesus couldn't walk on water?
A: He had holes in his feet.
///
Q: Why can't Mexicans be firemen?
A: because they can't tell the difference between José and Hose-B
///
Q: What is the hardest part about being a pedophile?
A: Fitting in.
///
A Mexican, a Black guy, and a White guy come across a Genie in a lamp.
The Genie says he'll grant each of them a wish.
The Mexican says, "I'd love for all my people to be reunited in Mexico, and to have it become a great nation at last!'
The Genie grants his wish, and the Mexican disappears.
The Black guy says, "likewise, i want all my people to enjoy a united Africa, free of persecution, together."
The Genie grants his wish, and the guy disappears to Africa.
the White supremacist says, "so you're telling me all the Niggers and Spics are gone?"
The Genie nods.
"Well in that case, I'll have a coke."
///
Q: Why did they plant trees in Harlem?
A: Public transportation.
///
Yesterday, I failed my biology exam.
The question was: Name something commonly found in cells.
Apparently, Niggers wasn't the right answer.
///
Q:What did Adolf Hitler get his neice for her birthday?
A: An easy bake oven.
///
Q: Who are the two most famous black women?
A: Aunt Jemima and Mother Fucker.
///
Q: How do you blindfold an Asian?
A: With dental floss.
///
Q: How was the first copper wire made?
A: Two Jews grabbed the same penny
///
Q: Why do Asians have squinty eyes?
A: Because atomic bombs are really bright.
///
A Chinese man goes to a mine to get a job.
The hiring guy is only picking the biggest, strongest men so when this slight Asian man begs for a job, he turns him down but every day he's back.
Finally after about a week of this, the guy tells him he's hired as the new supplies guy.
Next day, the miners are doing their job and picks and axes are breaking left and right.
They are wondering when on earth the supply guy is going to come down with a fresh load of tools.
Just when they were down to their last few tools and about ready to climb to the surface to find out what happened they hear the sound of the mining cart heading down the track.
It comes hurtling to their area and rolls to a stop but they can see no one in it.
Just as they start to approach the car the little Chinese man pops up and yells "SUPPLIES!" ///
The End

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kttr/series_of_offensive_jokes_youve_been_warned/
%
Why didn't the sun have to attend university?

It's already got thousands of degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54krzr/why_didnt_the_sun_have_to_attend_university/
%
My life is like a romantic comedy

Except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes.
> HA! Hilarious and original! Encore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kr9p/my_life_is_like_a_romantic_comedy/
%
Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies?

Orphans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kpst/who_isnt_allowed_to_watch_pg_movies/
%
This hating of people breastfeeding in public should really stop.

I can raise my cat any way I want to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kp0n/this_hating_of_people_breastfeeding_in_public/
%
Tom Hanks is extremely polite...

In fact, every time someone asks him for an autograph, he's the one that ends up saying "T.Hanks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kobp/tom_hanks_is_extremely_polite/
%
They don't bury an Amish man with his beard.

They bury him with shovels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kni0/they_dont_bury_an_amish_man_with_his_beard/
%
A redneck was brought into an Alabama police station...

He was led into a questioning room and handcuffed to the table. After several minutes of sitting in silence the police chief walks in and sits opposite from the redneck.
Chief: "They tell me you ran over 13 people with your car. Care to tell me what happened?"
Redneck: "Whel ya see, ay were a-drivin' down the road in my truck when my brakes done gave out. Ay were coming up ta an intersecshun ayn' ay done had the choice of hittin 1 person or 12 people. So ay done decided ta hit the 1 person instead of the 12"
Chief: "That sounds like a reasonable decision, so how did you end up hitting all 13?"
Redneck: "Ya know that there 1 guy ay were gonna hit? He were a total idiot ayn' done ran right towards the othur 12"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kkhz/a_redneck_was_brought_into_an_alabama_police/
%
Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy.

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter." The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy." A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter." "That's right!" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kjun/hello_class_im_mrs_prussy/
%
The US flag on the moon lost its color and is now completely white

It's now the French flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kjma/the_us_flag_on_the_moon_lost_its_color_and_is_now/
%
Why did the run-on sentence get worried?

Her period came late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kjii/why_did_the_runon_sentence_get_worried/
%
I may have witnessed the exact moment my high school became racist.

It's when they changed all the blackboards into whiteboards. There's no way they could just chalk it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kfpb/i_may_have_witnessed_the_exact_moment_my_high/
%
What's the hardest part of cooking vegetables?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kdqo/whats_the_hardest_part_of_cooking_vegetables/
%
My mum fed me yeast and put me in the oven.

Just how I was raised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54kbjd/my_mum_fed_me_yeast_and_put_me_in_the_oven/
%
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government...

So for homework, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future."
"I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said his dad.
In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.  So Little Johnny went to his parents' room to get help.  When he got there, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.  Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud,  "Oh! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54k9lk/a_teacher_was_teaching_her_second_grade_class/
%
A man and a woman were waiting at a hospital donation centre.

The man asks the woman, "What are you here to donate?"
The woman replies, "I'm here to give my blood. The hospital is going to pay me $5 for it."
"Good on you! I'm here to donate sperm," says the man, "The hospital is going to pay me $25 for it."
The woman woman looked thoughtful for a brief moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
The man asks the woman, "Here to donate blood again?"
The woman shakes her head with her mouth closed and replies with a muffled, "Unh unh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54k96i/a_man_and_a_woman_were_waiting_at_a_hospital/
%
Why do Nigerian babies cry?

Midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54k5jh/why_do_nigerian_babies_cry/
%
Did you know Bruce Lee had a son other than Brandon? He was a famous vegetarian.

His name was Brock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54k3ry/did_you_know_bruce_lee_had_a_son_other_than/
%
People say there is safety in numbers...

Tell that to 6,000,000 jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54jzpb/people_say_there_is_safety_in_numbers/
%
I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...

Fuck, I hate being a teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54jzgc/i_got_voted_least_likely_to_succeed_by_my_high/
%
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54jz8v/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_pet_alligator_by/
%
what is Mozart doing now?

decomposing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54jyaq/what_is_mozart_doing_now/
%
What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54jwb2/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_that_lost_his_car/
%
At a First Date Conversation

At a first date:
He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54jvr0/at_a_first_date_conversation/
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The legend of the three kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.
The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54judq/the_legend_of_the_three_kingdoms/
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My best mate have agreed to do me a great favour today.....

I told my mate that "I think my wife is having an affair."
"I'm sure you're imagining things," he said, "But to make sure nothing's going on, I'll stay with her at your house while you're at work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54jpiv/my_best_mate_have_agreed_to_do_me_a_great_favour/
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The 3 generals:

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''
The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''
The general said, ''Just do it!''
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.''
The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54jpd0/the_3_generals/
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My doctor gave me six months

to live. When I couldn't pay my bill, he gave me another six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54jk01/my_doctor_gave_me_six_months/
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What do you call someone who designs playgrounds?

A Park-itect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54jj3u/what_do_you_call_someone_who_designs_playgrounds/
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Guess what I'm going to do if I get Alzheimer's?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54j98b/guess_what_im_going_to_do_if_i_get_alzheimers/
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A man is on death row...

A man is on death row and it's the day of his execution. He is to be killed by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One last thing I would like to do is sing my favorite song, one time through without interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottle of beer on the wall..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54j7w5/a_man_is_on_death_row/
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Why are mirror makers proud of what they do?

Their work is a reflection of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54j7jl/why_are_mirror_makers_proud_of_what_they_do/
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If you smoke weed and masturbate...

... is it called weed whacking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54j39c/if_you_smoke_weed_and_masturbate/
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How to fall down the stairs

Step One:
Step Six:
Step Seven:
Step Ten:
Step Fifteen:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ixc6/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
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Americans are getting stronger.

Fifty years ago, it took two people to carry twenty dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ivva/americans_are_getting_stronger/
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A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar.

*[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54iux4/a_mathematician_a_college_professor_and_a/
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A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns

But then he forgot, Toucan play that game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54itzf/a_friend_of_mine_tried_to_annoy_me_with_bird_puns/
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Give a man fire and he'll be warm for a day...

Light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54irv6/give_a_man_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
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Changing his name...

Earlier this year, a chinese family moved into my small town. The family had two twins who were both seniors in my class, Ving and Ling. Ving and his sister Ling were quiet to start off with, but eventually I made good friends with Ving. After talking to him for a few weeks he revealed to me that he absolutely abhored his name, and that he'd do almost anything to figure out how to get it changed. I asked him what he wanted to change it to, and he said
"lee, like bruce lee or some shit."
I was failing trigonometry at the time, and so I thought what the hell, and offered to help him in exchange for him doing my homework. Ling overheard us and chimed in, "If you do that, father will disown you as our child. That name has been in our family line for generations."
Ving never really listened to his sister though, and he still wanted to go through with the plan. The next day after school, I drove him to the town hall. After we arrived, he had gotten the name-change sheet and was scribbling down information on to it when I saw his face change. I could tell he was extremely conflicted with his choice. Tears began to stream down his face.
He finally decided that he was gonna have to cancel his request, and Ling looked relieved. The receptionist let us know that there would be a cancelation fee, and handed the fee waiver to her. Suddenly, A short asian man with neon shorts, ray-bans, and an american flag t-shirt bursted into the room. Ving turned in awe and stared at the man, as tears rolled down his cheeks.
"D-D-Dad?"
With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.
"Don't stop, be Lee, Ving.
Hold on the that fee, Ling"
Source: u/The_Zanester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54im6w/changing_his_name/
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What did the mayonnaise say to the refridgerator?

Close the door, I'm dressing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ikdu/what_did_the_mayonnaise_say_to_the_refridgerator/
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Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ieso/is_your_refrigerator_running/
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Today someone was killed with a starter pistol...

the police think it might be race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54idma/today_someone_was_killed_with_a_starter_pistol/
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I had a dream where I was in a fight with Jason Bourne, Will Hunting, and Private Ryan.

I'm finally battling my Damons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ibth/i_had_a_dream_where_i_was_in_a_fight_with_jason/
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What's the difference between a piano, glue, and a tuna?

You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna
(What about the glue?)
I knew you'd get stuck on that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ia7l/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_glue_and_a/
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I'm a theist

I would be atheist, but I left a space for God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ia02/im_a_theist/
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A man learned that every time he reposted a joke on Reddit, he gained a year to live.

He was already immortal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54i9rx/a_man_learned_that_every_time_he_reposted_a_joke/
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New dad as of today, so here is my first dad joke.

What do you call it when you accidentally butcher your heifer instead of your steer? A Ms. Steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54i9ku/new_dad_as_of_today_so_here_is_my_first_dad_joke/
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If I get an email headed "Dear Friend", I know it's a scam.

I don't have friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54i6lh/if_i_get_an_email_headed_dear_friend_i_know_its_a/
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My smart friend

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54i6l2/my_smart_friend/
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A boy falls in love

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He isn't your father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54i5kw/a_boy_falls_in_love/
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One positive of Arnold Palmer's passing...

He's six under for the first time in years...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54i52s/one_positive_of_arnold_palmers_passing/
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A married couple are strapped for cash, so they agree that the wife will prostitute to help pay the bills...

Hours later she returns with five hundred dollars and ten cents.  The husband says, "that's great, our problems are over!  But...who gave you the ten cents?"  She replies "Why, all of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54i43t/a_married_couple_are_strapped_for_cash_so_they/
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Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54i3s7/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
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Science builds airplanes and skycrapers

Faith brings them together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54i33w/science_builds_airplanes_and_skycrapers/
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9 years ago i asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today i asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54i0x6/9_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_out_on/
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A funny true encounter

I was spending some time alone in an isolated cabin in the Ozarks. Not a neighbor for hundreds of meters. One day at around 9 p.m. I get a knock on the door, so I go to answer it. I see a large, pot bellied man with a huge bushy beard.
"The name's Hank. I live just a mile down the road. I see you're new around here. I'm throwing a party tonight and I thought you might like to come."
"Sure, sounds great!" I said.
"There's gonna be drinking!"
"I can drink with the best of them!"
"There's gonna be fighting!"
"Sounds like fun!"
"There's gonna be some wild sex!"
"Sweet! What should I wear?"
"It don't matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54hz94/a_funny_true_encounter/
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The new machine in the gym is great!

It has Chex Mix, Oreos, Snickers, everything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54hwm1/the_new_machine_in_the_gym_is_great/
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The inventor of the throat lozenge died today...

There will be no coffin at the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54htns/the_inventor_of_the_throat_lozenge_died_today/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ht6a/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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What's a Mexican's favourite video game?

Borderlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54hsum/whats_a_mexicans_favourite_video_game/
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What did the pavement smoother say after he lost his hands?

"I literally can't even."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54hss4/what_did_the_pavement_smoother_say_after_he_lost/
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An Arabian guy at the airport

- name?
- ahmed al-rhazib.
- sex?
- three to five times a week.
- no, no… i mean male or female?
- male, female, sometimes camel.
- holy cow!
- yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- but isn’t that hostile?
- horse style, doggy style, any style!
- oh dear!
- no, no! deer run too fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54hnsp/an_arabian_guy_at_the_airport/
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Why aren't any atheists buying a PS4 Pro?

They don't believe in higher power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54hlr7/why_arent_any_atheists_buying_a_ps4_pro/
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What do you do to backwards scented muffins?

sniffum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54hkgc/what_do_you_do_to_backwards_scented_muffins/
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Grocery produce aisle

ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54hhjf/grocery_produce_aisle/
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The strange sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54hhem/the_strange_sound/
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My father walks into a bar...

And stays there for the rest of my childhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54hglf/my_father_walks_into_a_bar/
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"Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"
"Ghostbusters."
"Ghostbusters who?"
"Taco."
Courtesy of my 3-year-old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54hdyy/knock_knock/
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Dad Tradition

The new father A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink. "Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something." "Dad you dont mea-" "Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son. "Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54hd6q/dad_tradition/
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What does it take to break a Nokia phone?

Microsoft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54hbeu/what_does_it_take_to_break_a_nokia_phone/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, the others a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54hao6/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Football game between Jamaica and Ethiopia. Final result?

Half the grass eaten, half the grass smoked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ha6k/football_game_between_jamaica_and_ethiopia_final/
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How many people does it take to change a light bulb?

Is just one of the questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54h9nu/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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To the guy who invented zero...

Thanks for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54h7qh/to_the_guy_who_invented_zero/
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Smart golfers always wear two pairs of pants

in case they get a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54h6on/smart_golfers_always_wear_two_pairs_of_pants/
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Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54h4hv/why_did_adele_cross_the_road/
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Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54h2xm/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
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Two men are sitting at the bar

One says to the other: "So I've just crawled into bed. My wife's sound asleep. All of a sudden the smoke alarm starts chirping because the battery died."
The other guy says: "Let me guess. You tried to ignore it, drift to sleep and deal with it in the morning?"
"No way. Do you think I am lazy?"
"Sorry. It was a just an idea. I guess you snuck out of bed, grabbed a 9-volt, and replaced the battery?"
"Of course not! Do you think I'm stupid?"
"Fine, I give up, what'd you do?"
"I snuck out of bed. Lit the curtains and came here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54h2mj/two_men_are_sitting_at_the_bar/
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Why did the fish not get accepted into college?

His grades were below sea level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gx12/why_did_the_fish_not_get_accepted_into_college/
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Artificial Insemination

A New Zealand man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "They're all in the piggin Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gwso/artificial_insemination/
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A guy walks into a bar with a gun

and shouts "Which one of you fuckers is reposting jokes on r/jokes?"   A voice from the back called out "I don't think you have enough bullets m8."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gvdp/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_gun/
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My girlfriend just texted me

, her dragon name was "Vaerjuam".
I was like " Hey Vaerjuam. I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gteb/my_girlfriend_just_texted_me/
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"Hey, I finally watched that movie you've been wanting me to see..."

"Oh, so you finally saw Back to the Future?"
"Sure did!"
"It's about time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gpjg/hey_i_finally_watched_that_movie_youve_been/
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Thor

is riding on the back of his mighty war horse. He shouts "I AM THOR! I AM THOR!" His horse replies: "That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54go47/thor/
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My doctor told me during my physical that I needed to stop masturbating

When i asked him why, he said "because I'm trying to give you a physical!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gm49/my_doctor_told_me_during_my_physical_that_i/
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What did Hitler call his records store?

The Vinyl Solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gm3w/what_did_hitler_call_his_records_store/
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A twelve year old boy is walking along the side of a road...

A twelve year old boy is walking along the side of a road.  He is dragging a string with him, and attached to that string is a flattened frog.  He walks for a few more minutes until he reaches a brothel.
He walks inside and the lady at the front desk immediately stops him and says "I'm sorry son but you are too young to receive any of the services that we offer here.  Are you lost?  Would you like me to help you find your parents?"
He flashes her a few hundred dollar bills and she says "Well okay then, how can I help you?"
"I would like to sleep with the nastiest woman that you have here.  I want the woman with the most stds." He says.
"Well that is certainly odd request," she replies, "but we can most definitely help you with that."
So the boy goes off and sleeps with the most disgusting prostitute of them all and just before he leaves the lady at the front desk stops him.
"Excuse me, I'm sorry but I have to ask.  Of all the beautiful women we have here, why did you want to sleep with her?"
He pauses for a moment then responds, "Ok I will only answer because you let me in here.  Well when I go home tonight my parents are going to go out to dinner, so they are going to need a baby sitter.  Well I am going to fuck the baby sitter and she is going to contract all of the stds I got from that nasty beast I just slept with.  When my parents finally return from their night out, my baby sitter is going to need a ride home.  So my dad will go and drop her off at her house.  But before that happens, my dad is going to convince her to sleep with him as well and then he will receive all of the stds.  When my dad gets back he is still going to be a little horny, so he is going to go upstairs and have sex with my mom and all the stds will be transferred to her.  Well the next morning after my dad leaves for work and I'm at school, the milkman is going to stop by and drop off the day's milk.  Well my mom is going to sleep with the milkman and he is going to contract all the stds that she has, and that's the son of a bitch who ran over my frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gl02/a_twelve_year_old_boy_is_walking_along_the_side/
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I'm learning how to play the neurotic guitar.

It's a lot like an acoustic guitar but it's a little more high strung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gk3h/im_learning_how_to_play_the_neurotic_guitar/
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My friends call me an attention whore, but that can't be true

Just look at me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gjsm/my_friends_call_me_an_attention_whore_but_that/
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What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?

They both can smell it, but they can't eat it
credit to u/Spurs_Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gjnj/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_boy_have_in/
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To the guy that invented the number zero

Thanks for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gje4/to_the_guy_that_invented_the_number_zero/
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All of Hitlers generals were having a cookout, why wasn't Hitler invited?

He always burnt the franks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gj1d/all_of_hitlers_generals_were_having_a_cookout_why/
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What is Forrest Gump's password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gh1x/what_is_forrest_gumps_password/
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The cashier at my local grocery store hates me...

I'm always paying in 1$ bills and I use a lot of them. I attempted to calm her down with some humor.
"I'm an exotic dancer...and I'm really good at it", I said with a wink.
She replied with a glare, "I doubt that. If you were any good you'd be paying with $5's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gfvo/the_cashier_at_my_local_grocery_store_hates_me/
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My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.

Thomas, Carl or the fat and ugly one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54geqq/my_wife_always_tells_me_that_i_treat_my_kid/
%
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks.....

"Hey, Mate! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."How long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says"about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says,"this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ge18/a_guy_sticks_his_head_into_a_barber_shop_and_asks/
%
How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gbxj/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
%
What do my girlfriend and Jesus have in common?

Not sure if either of them came once, but I know they haven't come a second time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54gaph/what_do_my_girlfriend_and_jesus_have_in_common/
%
excuse for being fat...

They say the camera adds 10 pounds... Quit eating cameras damnit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54g9x7/excuse_for_being_fat/
%
What did the clone troopers say after they killed Aayla Secura?

Bye Felucia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54g9lx/what_did_the_clone_troopers_say_after_they_killed/
%
A boy was jerking off and his sister caught him

Instead of saying anything, she took off her clothes and started to have sex with her brother.
After finishing the brother said, "Wow, you're as good as mom".
The sister replied, "Ya, dad told me that too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54g91c/a_boy_was_jerking_off_and_his_sister_caught_him/
%
why would you be a suicide bomber...

And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!
Source: Jimmy Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54g7hl/why_would_you_be_a_suicide_bomber/
%
How was school today?

Mother: “How was school today, Daniel?”
Daniel: “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Daniel: “What school?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54g6tm/how_was_school_today/
%
Drunken Clairvoyance

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54g6iu/drunken_clairvoyance/
%
Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.
They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.
They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.
After much discussion they could conclude that if you remove both rear legs from a frog, it becomes deaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54g64x/two_norwegian_scientists_were_operating_on_a_frog/
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what is the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54g2o6/what_is_the_stupidest_animal_in_the_jungle/
%
After a car crash, a woman comes to the hospital to see her husband...

She asks the doctor :
"How is my husband ? Is he going to be fine ?"
The doctor said :
"Well, his lower body is untouched"
Being less concerned she says :
"Oh, thank God, but what about the upper?"
He answered :
" His upper body is still on the way to the hospital "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54g2go/after_a_car_crash_a_woman_comes_to_the_hospital/
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I'm not sure faith can move mountains...

But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54g0su/im_not_sure_faith_can_move_mountains/
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A Russian couple was walking down the streets of Saint Petersburg on Christmas Eve

And they felt a slight precipitation on their heads.
"I think its raining" says the man
"No its snowing" says the woman
"How about we ask this communist officer here? He is always right!" The man exclaims. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining" he said before walking away.
The man turns to his wife and says with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54g042/a_russian_couple_was_walking_down_the_streets_of/
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A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour . . .

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54fw66/a_teenage_girl_had_been_talking_on_the_phone_for/
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Why was Aladdin disqualified from the Rio Olympics?

He was on performance-enhancing rugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ftiy/why_was_aladdin_disqualified_from_the_rio_olympics/
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Whenever I hear my neighbors having sex...

I think to myself, "I should get a girlfriend when I get out of jail."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54fspa/whenever_i_hear_my_neighbors_having_sex/
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What’s the difference between a goat and a kid?

My neighbour isn’t unknowingly raising two of my goats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54fnsg/whats_the_difference_between_a_goat_and_a_kid/
%
Finally had sex in a hall of mirrors

I was fucking beside myself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54flu9/finally_had_sex_in_a_hall_of_mirrors/
%
My SO was feeling down today..

G: I feel fat when i look in the mirror, can you compliment me to make me feel better?
B: You have great eyesight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54fkvs/my_so_was_feeling_down_today/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punch line becomes apparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54fkp7/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
Who's the biggest hoe in history?

Mrs. Pacman. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls till she died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54fh6z/whos_the_biggest_hoe_in_history/
%
Energizer Bunny just arrested.

He was charged with battery!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54fgm2/energizer_bunny_just_arrested/
%
Why is Mrs Trump always on top?

Because Donald can only fuck up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54fga0/why_is_mrs_trump_always_on_top/
%
What's the difference between humans and bullets?

Humans miss Harambe﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ffnh/whats_the_difference_between_humans_and_bullets/
%
An Arkansas farm boy decides to try his luck in the city.

He gathers up his few possessions, tells all his friends goodbye and buys a bus ticket to Little Rock.
A few months later, his friends are shocked to see him driving back into their little town in a new, shiny red Mustang convertible. They all rush to catch up to him as he parks in front of his parents' house.
"Damn Jimbo, you must've hit it big in the city!" one said.
"Nope", he replied "I couldn't find a job and was living on the streets. Got all my stuff stoled and didn't have a penny to my name. It was terrible. That's why I decided to come home."
"But Jimbo, where'd you get this fancy car?" Another asked.
"Well, that's a funny story." Jimbo said. "You see, I decided to come back home, but I couldn't afford no bus ticket, so I set out hitchhiking. Just a few miles outta Little Rock, this pretty woman in this shiny new red convertible stopped to give me a ride. She was really nice and we talked as we were riding along. When we got out into the country she suddenly pulled off the highway onto this dirt road and parked the car. She went and stood in front of the car and took off all her clothes and put them on the hood of the car and told me 'You can have whatever you want'. Well shit, I took the car! Wouldn't none of them clothes fit me anyway!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ffli/an_arkansas_farm_boy_decides_to_try_his_luck_in/
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I just put a bottle antifreeze in the freezer.

Place your bets now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54fdtc/i_just_put_a_bottle_antifreeze_in_the_freezer/
%
A man asks a farmer

near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54fdm2/a_man_asks_a_farmer/
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I've kinda felt like my headphones recently

I've got a severe lack of anything to jack inside of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54faf2/ive_kinda_felt_like_my_headphones_recently/
%
Superman is flying around the world when he sees WonderWoman tanning on the beach....

He notices that she's naked and spread eagle and has a thought.
Superman: I bet I could fly down there and have sex with her and fly away before she even knew it.
So like a depraved bastard he does exactly that and hears a conversation as he flies away.
Wonderwoman: Did you feel that strong gust of wind just now?
Invisible Man: Yeah, and on top of that my ass is killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54fa0s/superman_is_flying_around_the_world_when_he_sees/
%
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Staple food to the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54f9yg/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_ethiopia/
%
At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54f9g0/at_the_gym/
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I thought I'd lost my LSD at my Grans house.

I went around and asked her if she'd found a small see through bag when tidying up.
She told me she didn't have time to tidy up.
Not while she has to worry about that dragon guarding the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54f8is/i_thought_id_lost_my_lsd_at_my_grans_house/
%
A guy with a gun walks into a bar..

"Which one of you fuckers slept with my wife?!"
A voice from the back shouted "I don't think you have enough bullets, mate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54f3ak/a_guy_with_a_gun_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I dated a cross eyed girl once. But I broke up with her.

Turned out she was seeing other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54f22y/deleted_by_user/
%
Why does Donald Trump watch the Olympics?

To see how high Mexicans can jump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54f1pd/why_does_donald_trump_watch_the_olympics/
%
My cat passed.

RIP Fluffy McMittens
2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2016

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ext9/my_cat_passed/
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What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?

'Ginger'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54exb1/what_has_an_n_an_i_two_gs_an_e_and_an_r_and_can/
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My girlfriend said if this get 100 upvotes , we'll try anal.

So please don't vote, her strap-on is huge and it really scares me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54evog/my_girlfriend_said_if_this_get_100_upvotes_well/
%
A bear, a lion and a chicken are at a bar

The bear says: "if i roar, the whole forest would be afraid of me!"
The lion smirks, and says: "if i roar, the whole jungle will be afraid of me!"
The Chicken, with a sly grin, says: "bitch please, i cough just once, the whole world shits itself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ev30/a_bear_a_lion_and_a_chicken_are_at_a_bar/
%
A priest and a bus driver are standing in Purgatory...

There is an angel guarding two doors: one for Hell, the other for Heaven. Both of them approach the celestial being and it says, looking at a really long list:
"Alright, Mr... Stanford, the bus driver? You are going to Heaven, congratulations!"
The bus driver happily opens the corresponding door and steps through. The priest smiles and heads towards the same door as well, but the angel stops him in his path:
"Not you, Father Johnson. You are going to Hell, I am sorry."
Outraged, the priest yells "What?! Why?? I have devoted my entire life to spreading the Lord's word! This is unfair! How come a bus driver step through, but not a holy priest?!"
With a serious look on his face, the angel replies "Well, you have indeed devoted your life to spreading the word, but it means nothing if your entire congregation is asleep and doesn't really care for you are preaching. Meanwhile, whenever Mr. Stanford was driving his bus, everyone inside would pray to God, even non-believers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54eu5r/a_priest_and_a_bus_driver_are_standing_in/
%
Jack and Jill work together in an office...

Things are getting very slow and the manager realizes he has to let one of them go but he can't decide. The manager approaches Jill and says "I have to lay you or Jack off".
"Jack off!" snaps Jill "I have a headache".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54erhm/jack_and_jill_work_together_in_an_office/
%
20 Things to do Before You Die...

1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away.
4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now.
5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.
6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it.
7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream.
8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it.
9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go."
10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato.
11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King.
12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO!
13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment.
14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple.
15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's.
16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by.
17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "darn my snake got loose again".
18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away.
19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!!
20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54eqj7/20_things_to_do_before_you_die/
%
Wife had a dream she was at a Dick auction.

She told her husband about, "The big ones were going for $100 and the small ones were $1."
"How much did mine go for?" He askes. "There were no bidders." She replied.
The next morning the husband tells his wife "I had a crazy dream I was at a pussy auction, the tight ones were going for $100 and the loose ones were a dollar."
"How much did mine go for?" she asked.
"That's where we had the auction!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54epm1/wife_had_a_dream_she_was_at_a_dick_auction/
%
So I was at the Library today

.. And a black Gentleman came over to me and asked where the coloured printer was. I replied "Man its 2016 you can use any printer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54eoqr/so_i_was_at_the_library_today/
%
Don't give Trump viagra

He'll get taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54eoj9/dont_give_trump_viagra/
%
I was on the bus with my gf and this smoking hot Thai chick sat next to me. I thought "don't get a boner, don't get a boner."

But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54enck/i_was_on_the_bus_with_my_gf_and_this_smoking_hot/
%
I call my wife "Happy Meal"...

She's not enough to satisfy me but she comes with a toy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ek4x/i_call_my_wife_happy_meal/
%
A church's bell ringer passed away

so they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.
One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.
The same two guys walk by.
The first asks, "Do you know him?"
The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54eftz/a_churchs_bell_ringer_passed_away/
%
Jimmy goes to see a dominatrix...

Jimmy goes to see a dominatrix that all his buddies keep recommending.
He nervously tells her, "All my friends said I should ask you for a 'Classic Vlasic Ass-Lick'. But they wouldn't tell me anything else. What is it exactly?"
She explains, "Well, first I'm going to strip you naked and tie you up. Then I'll bend you over my knees and spank you like a naughty child.  Then I'm going to stick this entire pickle in your pickle hole. And finally, I'm going to give you the most amazing, toe cracking, rim job of you life."
Well, Jimmy isn't thrilled with the idea of getting tied up, spanked and sticking a pickle up his behind. But agrees to get a Classic Vlasic Ass-Lick, since all his buddies said it was incredible.
So she strips him down, ties him up, bends him over and starts spanking him with various toys.  Jimmy is rather surprised how much he likes it, but still pretty nervous about the pickle insertion, so he asks her to please be gentle when she sticks it in his butt.
She tells him not to worry, grabs a large pickle and a paddle, and pounds it deep inside Jimmy's rear end, until the pickle disapears with a "pop!" Then proceeds to give him the most amazing, multiple orgasm inducing, rim job of his life.
When finished, Jimmy exclaims, "That was incredible!  But how exactly do i get the pickle out now?"
"No idea." She says. "All my other clients just eat the pickle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54eeid/jimmy_goes_to_see_a_dominatrix/
%
iPhone's from the future.

2016: iPhone 7=no headphone jack
2017: iPhone 8=no battery
2018: iPhone 9=no screen
2019: iPhone 10=no phone at all, just pay Apple $1000﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54eeh0/iphones_from_the_future/
%
A ship was sailing in the middle of the ocean....

A storm was developing in the distance. As the storm raged, the captain realised the ship was sinking fast.
He called out loud, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"
A man proudly raised his hand and came forward, "Aye Captain, I know how to pray."
The Captain replied, "Great, you keep praying while the rest of us put our life jackets on.......we are short of one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54e5ts/a_ship_was_sailing_in_the_middle_of_the_ocean/
%
Three men were trapped in a desert. Crying for God's help, they heard a voice from the sky...

So the voice tells them, "I shall give you one chance and one chance only to leave this place. Run to the top of that hill and yell what you want to become. You will then transform into what you yelled.
After some thinking, the first man ran up to the top of the hill and yelled, "Eagle!" before soaring away.
The next man, ran up and yelled, "Snake!" before slithering away.
The last man ran up, tripped on a rock, and yelled, "Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54e51r/three_men_were_trapped_in_a_desert_crying_for/
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It's 3 am. Just smoked a fatty. Just trying to make up new material with my parrot. I think i just thought of a good one but I may just be...

Too stoned with one bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54e1wd/its_3_am_just_smoked_a_fatty_just_trying_to_make/
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I really think Hillary Clinton will be the first f president

Oops. I meant female but the emale got deleted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54dybj/i_really_think_hillary_clinton_will_be_the_first/
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You can make jokes about anything; just not Mexicans.

That's crossing the border.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54dwgv/you_can_make_jokes_about_anything_just_not/
%
My math teacher told me that 3/5 of the kids in my class don't understand fractions

Thankfully I'm a part of the other 3/5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54dw99/my_math_teacher_told_me_that_35_of_the_kids_in_my/
%
What did the Pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54du54/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
I wanted to buy some literature on DIY shelving

Sounds easy, but try going into a book store and asking if they have "any books on shelves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54dncb/i_wanted_to_buy_some_literature_on_diy_shelving/
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What do we want? LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!

When do we want them?
NNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWwwwwwwww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54di24/what_do_we_want_low_flying_airplane_noises/
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Man dies on a building site

The other builders gather around and discuss who should be the one to go and break it John's (dead guy) wife.
One volunteers, saying he is "good with this sensitive stuff".
A short while later  he returns with 2 crates of beer.
"Where'd you get them", asks one of the builders.
"John's wife gave me them".
"You what, you go around there and tell her John's dead and she gives you beer?"
"Not exactly, I knocked the door and when she answered I said ' Hi, you must be John's widow'. 'No I am not' she told me, and I said, "I'll bet you a couple crates of beer you  are".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54dh23/man_dies_on_a_building_site/
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Why are there so many women archaeologists?

Because women love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54dg5n/why_are_there_so_many_women_archaeologists/
%
When jokes go to parties, where do they wait for drinks?

In the punchlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54dfz2/when_jokes_go_to_parties_where_do_they_wait_for/
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Free sex tonight

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54dfyg/free_sex_tonight/
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A New Zealander sheep shearer gets a job in Australia.

At the lunch break of his first day in the shearing shed, he drops his dacks, pulls his cock out, grabs a sheep and starts fucking it.  The Australians look at him, roll their eyes, shake their heads and mutter, "Bloody Kiwis."
Then one old bloke approaches him and says, "Mate, you're supposed to *shear* your sheep."
The New Zealander scowls at him and yells, "I'm not shearing thus sheep wuth innybody!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54dfuo/a_new_zealander_sheep_shearer_gets_a_job_in/
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I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman.

Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54deqk/i_always_close_my_eyes_when_i_kiss_a_woman/
%
I think I'm overcoming dyslexia.

I learned a new abbreviation today: DNA, or National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54da6y/i_think_im_overcoming_dyslexia/
%
A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch. He picks it up and throws it across the street.

A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch.
The snail looks up and says, "What was *that* all about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54d9ky/a_man_opens_his_door_and_finds_a_snail_on_his/
%
Irish man arrested for domestic abuse

The man has been arrested on the same charge 5 times before.
"Why do you keep beating her Paddy?" asked the police officer.
"Well isn't that obvious you idiot?
It is my height and weight advantage coupled with my superior reach and better footwork!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54d8pj/irish_man_arrested_for_domestic_abuse/
%
A guy is driving a truck full of penguins to the zoo

All of a sudden his truck starts to break down. He pulls over to the side of the road and sees a man walking down the side of the highway. He flags him down and asks "Can you do me a favor? I have to get my truck fixed but I have all these penguins that need to go to the zoo. Can you take them to the zoo for me?" The man agrees and 200 penguins get out of this guy's truck and start following the other man down the road towards the zoo.
An hour later, the truck driver's truck is all fixed up and he starts driving towards the zoo to make sure the penguins got there alright. Soon he sees the man from before walking in the opposite direction of the zoo with the 200 penguins still marching right behind him.
He immediately pulls over and gets out of his truck and starts yelling "What do you think you're doing? I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!" The man replies "I did! Now I'm taking them for ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54d6zq/a_guy_is_driving_a_truck_full_of_penguins_to_the/
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Three girls go to confession

The first girl says Father a man kissed me on my lips. The priest says go over there to the basin and put some holy water on your lips.
The second girl says Father I touched a man's penis. The priest says go wash your hands with holy water.
The third girl says that's okay father I'll just go gargle with the holy water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54d6vg/three_girls_go_to_confession/
%
Why doesn't Angelina Jolie like peaches?

Because of the "Pit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54d6it/why_doesnt_angelina_jolie_like_peaches/
%
Thirteen! Thirteen!

This is how I learned to mind my own business...
I was walking to the mental hospital to visit my mother. Next thing you know I'm hearing a bunch of people on the other side of the fence yelling "thirteen, thirteen"! I finally notice a small hole in the fence and I go to look through to find out what the big commotion was. As I go to look through the hole, a finger comes through and pokes me in the eye! Next thing you know they cheered and started yelling "fourteen, fourteen"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54d4qb/thirteen_thirteen/
%
A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.

I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a piss'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54d3l1/a_guinness_brewery_worker_travels_to_the_home_of/
%
I cut my finger chopping cheese...

I think that I may have grater problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54cxmb/i_cut_my_finger_chopping_cheese/
%
How do you know when you are going to drown in milk?

When it's past your eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54cvnu/how_do_you_know_when_you_are_going_to_drown_in/
%
Canadian and a American watching a movie

Canadian: Lets watch a movie.
American: Have you seen Titanic?
Canadian: What's that about?
American: Yes, it was. A big one that sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54csae/canadian_and_a_american_watching_a_movie/
%
A fool proof way to never feel lonely.

If you're ever feeling lonely, watch a horror movie. You won't feel alone anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54crjj/a_fool_proof_way_to_never_feel_lonely/
%
You can't run in a campground

You can only ran because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54cr6f/you_cant_run_in_a_campground/
%
Let's play "Is it an adjective or a verb?"

I love fucking pickles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54cr4s/lets_play_is_it_an_adjective_or_a_verb/
%
Why doesn't the sun go to college?

It's extremely bright, it already has 28 million degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54cpxq/why_doesnt_the_sun_go_to_college/
%
I told my hairdresser to just take a little bit off the top...

It makes me more relaxed when I can see her breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54coox/i_told_my_hairdresser_to_just_take_a_little_bit/
%
JFK and Abe Lincoln were two of the greatest president of all history.

I think it's because they were so Open Minded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54cmov/jfk_and_abe_lincoln_were_two_of_the_greatest/
%
Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because what Jewish woman could resist anything that's 20% off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ckwf/why_are_jewish_men_circumcised/
%
What do you call it when a bunch of stoned poets overthrow the government?

A Haiku.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ckli/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_bunch_of_stoned_poets/
%
A son says to his father...

A son says to his father "Dad, I forget. Am I awesome or fantastic?"
The father replies "No son, you're autistic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54cha9/a_son_says_to_his_father/
%
What do you call two crows on a branch?

Attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54cde6/what_do_you_call_two_crows_on_a_branch/
%
"Knowledge is a weapon" said Terry Goodkind

which is why the cops can shoot you for holding a book

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54cd46/knowledge_is_a_weapon_said_terry_goodkind/
%
There's a whorehouse on top of a mountain

There's a whore house on top of a mountain and there are three men, each a different nationality. One man is running up the mountain. One man is going down the mountain. One man is in the whorehouse. What are each of their nationalities?
The man going down the mountain has already gotten laid so he is Finnish.
The man going up the mountain hasn't gotten laid yet so he is Russian.
The man in the whorehouse?? Himalayan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54cd35/theres_a_whorehouse_on_top_of_a_mountain/
%
I saw a lady texting and driving today...

I was furious.
I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ccsm/i_saw_a_lady_texting_and_driving_today/
%
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54cc7r/how_did_rihanna_find_out_chris_brown_was_cheating/
%
Just came back from holiday in Thailand....

.......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!!
Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54cafo/just_came_back_from_holiday_in_thailand/
%
What's the best way for a prostitute to advertise?

Word of mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ca4y/whats_the_best_way_for_a_prostitute_to_advertise/
%
There are 3 types of people in this world

People who can't count and people who can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54c69q/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
My friend gets mad when I mention he only has one ball.

That's no reason to get testy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54c3dl/my_friend_gets_mad_when_i_mention_he_only_has_one/
%
I was woken up today by a tap on my door

Odd sense of humor my plummer has.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54c2vj/i_was_woken_up_today_by_a_tap_on_my_door/
%
Why does waldo wear stripes?

So he isn't spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54c2g2/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54c12e/what_do_you_get_when_you_crossbreed_a_shark_and_a/
%
How much does freedom weigh?

A WashingTon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54bywn/how_much_does_freedom_weigh/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54bxsn/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
My brother and I were playing chess, and I said to him 'care to make this interesting?' He said 'sure'.

So we stopped playing chess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54bv9m/my_brother_and_i_were_playing_chess_and_i_said_to/
%
What's crude and beneath most Canadians?

America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54buml/whats_crude_and_beneath_most_canadians/
%
Watched a movie where a kid is alone in his house and starts meditating...

It's called "Om Alone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54btv3/watched_a_movie_where_a_kid_is_alone_in_his_house/
%
Urologist told me a joke during my vasectomy...

So during my vasectomy it was just me and the younger female doctor in the room.  She was talking with me to distract me and said you want to hear a good vasectomy joke?  Of course I said yes, not knowing it was going to go this way.
If a Bluebird has blue babies, a blackbird has black babies, a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?
A Swallow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54bssg/urologist_told_me_a_joke_during_my_vasectomy/
%
Just back from the zoo. Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures.

It was bread in captivity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54bp63/just_back_from_the_zoo_saw_a_slice_of_toast_lying/
%
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54bn7f/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
%
3 generations of prostitutes are sitting at a table.

And the mother of the youngest prostitute asks the youngest,
"So, How was your night?"
To which the youngest prostitute replies,
" great I made £50 for a blowjob"
The mother goes " wow back in my day a blowjob was £5"
The grandmother then says,
" back in my day we did it for the warm drink"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54blfb/3_generations_of_prostitutes_are_sitting_at_a/
%
There was a wife and her husband;

There was a wife and her husband, one day the wife saw that the socket was falling and was damaged, she asked her husband to repair it but he replied:
"Im not an electricist"
The second day the wife saw that there was some water pouring under the sink because the tube was broke and she asked her husband to fix it, and then he replied:
"Im not a plumber"
The third day she saw that the door of the wardrobe was falling apart so she asked her husband to fix it when he replied:
"Im not a carpenter"
When he came back home one day he saw that everything was fixed so he asked his wife:
"Have you fixed everything by yourself?"
When she replied:
"No, the neighbour did it, then he told me that i had to pay him somehow, i either had to make him a cake or i had to have sex with him"
Then the husband asked:
"And you made him a cake right?"
Then the wife replied:
"Im not a chef"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54bl87/there_was_a_wife_and_her_husband/
%
A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge.
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!"
"No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a shit instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54bkxk/a_young_couple_is_out_for_a_romantic_valentines/
%
An old man is fishing in a lake next to a country road

Suddenly, he sees a funeral procession driving slowly down the road.
So he stands next to the road, puts his cigarette away, takes off his hat and waits flow the procession to pass.
2 hours later, the funeral director comes up to the man , this time by himself.
"That was very respectful, what you did. I want to thank you for your manners."
"Well," says the man, "it's the least I can do for my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54bgkf/an_old_man_is_fishing_in_a_lake_next_to_a_country/
%
The reason I married an Asian chick...

Is so I get to eat Chinese every night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54bgcd/the_reason_i_married_an_asian_chick/
%
Blind Man

I just passed a blind man in home depot. He was dressed head to toe in camouflage. I assume he was  trying to even the playing field. Well done sir. (True Story)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54beys/blind_man/
%
Hey, i'm proud of my heritage

that's why sometimes, I don't even wear my hood at rallies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54bek1/hey_im_proud_of_my_heritage/
%
Cast the first stone...

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54bc9v/cast_the_first_stone/
%
Mirror inspector

Now that's a job I could really see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54b979/mirror_inspector/
%
I finally understand how batteries feel

Because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54b6ug/i_finally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
%
whats the best part about sleeping with twenty-seven year olds?

There are twenty of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54b5eh/whats_the_best_part_about_sleeping_with/
%
Deep sleep prevents aging.

Especially when you are driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54b2t0/deep_sleep_prevents_aging/
%
Why is Neil Degrasse Tyson such a famous physicist?...

On the day he was born he escaped a black hole...... and then he spent his life studying them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54b291/why_is_neil_degrasse_tyson_such_a_famous_physicist/
%
I got a letter from the bank saying I was still in debt.

I don't know why, I sent them a cheque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54b1n2/i_got_a_letter_from_the_bank_saying_i_was_still/
%
I don't have a problem with alcohol.

Only without it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54axpm/i_dont_have_a_problem_with_alcohol/
%
How was copper-wire invented?

Two jews and a penny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54axfa/how_was_copperwire_invented/
%
The most common type of web developers are not even human

they are spiders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54awje/the_most_common_type_of_web_developers_are_not/
%
What do the Welsh call safe sex?

Spray painting the sheep that bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54asn8/what_do_the_welsh_call_safe_sex/
%
Did you hear about the ancient bisexual motorcycle gang made up of Norse monarchs?

They're called the bi-kings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54apu9/did_you_hear_about_the_ancient_bisexual/
%
My grandfather is such a grammar Nazi

that he made every Jew in the camp practice writing every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54ae9c/my_grandfather_is_such_a_grammar_nazi/
%
Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the ark hives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54achc/where_did_noah_keep_his_bees/
%
My friend was cold so i told her to stand in a corner.

Corners are 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54aagj/my_friend_was_cold_so_i_told_her_to_stand_in_a/
%
If my African American father had an Asian name

It would be So Long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54a9vr/if_my_african_american_father_had_an_asian_name/
%
Jack and Joe are in prison...

Jack and Joe are in prison, in separate cells, some distance away from each other.   Sad little jail cells really, with only a solitary, tiny window to peek into the outside. So they pass the time as best they can by telling each other jokes.
One day, Jack asks , "Got any new jokes, Joe?"
"Sorry" Joe says. "I told you every joke I know months ago.  You got anymore new jokes?"
Jack thinks for a moment and says, "Well... I do have one more joke.  But it's one of those jokes you gotta write down.  It's not funny when you say it out loud. Gotta draw a picture and stuff."
Joe suggests, "Why don't write it on a piece of paper, and throw it over here?"
Jack agrees, and spends all week collecting the perfect materials, rewriting the perfect joke, drawing the perfect accommodating picture, and shaping that joke into a perfectly aerodynamic and balanced paper plane.
On Friday evening, when the lights go out, and the guards are changing shifts, Jack tells Joe, "Ok! Here comes the joke!"
He tosses the paper plane, it sails  across the prison hallway, slips between the prison cell bars, and glides directly towards Joe's awaiting hands.
Just as Joe is about to grab the paper plane, it gets caught in an updraft.  It bounces again the ceiling once, and then glides out the tiny cell window.
"Did you get the joke?" Jack asks.
"No, sorry!" Joe responds. "It went right over my head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54a9ie/jack_and_joe_are_in_prison/
%
What do you call a thousand terabytes of child porn?

A pedobyte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54a959/what_do_you_call_a_thousand_terabytes_of_child/
%
A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of marijuana on cows...

The steaks had never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54a8na/a_farmer_spent_over_12_million_to_see_the_effects/
%
What's the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A Tire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54a7pi/whats_the_difference_between_a_sharply_dressed/
%
What do you say when you're comforting a grammar Nazi?

There, their, they're.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54a7dv/what_do_you_say_when_youre_comforting_a_grammar/
%
Two Beggars

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite." The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54a6df/two_beggars/
%
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Prius?

Porcupines have pricks on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54a5i0/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
%
My girlfriend's dad called me a pedophile just because I'm 34 and she's 23...

...he totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54a5gu/my_girlfriends_dad_called_me_a_pedophile_just/
%
Where do graphic designers go for a drink?

CGI Friday's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54a4zc/where_do_graphic_designers_go_for_a_drink/
%
I got into a fight with my boner this morning:

Don't worry, I beat it single handedly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54a2hd/i_got_into_a_fight_with_my_boner_this_morning/
%
My dad said if he practiced yoga long enough he could pick up a pencil with his toes.

He then proudly mentioned he would be writing footnotes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54a1nx/my_dad_said_if_he_practiced_yoga_long_enough_he/
%
A dad was teaching his baby how to talk...

Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Fuck , just say daddy!
Baby: Fuck, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I’m home!
Baby: Fuck!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54a1fg/a_dad_was_teaching_his_baby_how_to_talk/
%
What do you call a Mexican hooker who doesn't charge any money?

Fritatas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/549zrh/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_hooker_who_doesnt/
%
Why does Jesus eat at Benihana?

Because he loves miso!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/549wvx/why_does_jesus_eat_at_benihana/
%
Heard a giant Indian guy sing with the most beautiful voice in the world.

Turns out it was actually Dalip Singh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/549wre/heard_a_giant_indian_guy_sing_with_the_most/
%
Which country will be the first to change to all electric vehicles?

Madagascar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/549scn/which_country_will_be_the_first_to_change_to_all/
%
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet...

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy.
I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/549rag/i_met_a_14_year_old_girl_on_the_internet/
%
where do babies come from.......?

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/549muk/where_do_babies_come_from/
%
Three men are talking at work the day after Christmas

It wasn't long before one of them starts bragging. "I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 6 seconds!"
"What is it?" The others ask.
"A brand new Mercedes!"
"Ha, but I've bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 3 seconds!" Said one of the others.
"What is it?" The first guy asks.
"A brand new Porsche!"
"You guys are pathetic." Said the third guy. "The present I've bought goes from 0 to 100 in half a second!"
"A scale."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/549m5f/three_men_are_talking_at_work_the_day_after/
%
Why did the duck go to rehab?

He was addicted to quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/549jz4/why_did_the_duck_go_to_rehab/
%
A young couple enters a quiz about their sex life [NSFW]

The man is taken into a separate room, where he is explained the quiz: he will get 3 questions, and if his girlfriend's answers match his, they win.
"The first question", the quizmaster says, "when did you last have sex?"
The man responds "last night".
"The second question is 'with who did you last have sex'?"
"With my girlfriend."
"And where did you last have sex?"
"On the kitchen table."
The man and the quizmaster return to the girlfriend. The quizmaster explains the quiz again, and he starts quizzing the girlfriend.
"When did you last have sex?"
"Last night".
"With who did you last have sex?"
"With my boyfriend."
"And where was that?"
The girlfriend starts hesitating a little bit. After some encouragement of her boyfriend, she says... "In my ass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/549jt1/a_young_couple_enters_a_quiz_about_their_sex_life/
%
What do you call a striped bra?

A zebra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/549im3/what_do_you_call_a_striped_bra/
%
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we both are...

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/549fjs/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
%
The National Poetry Contest

had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...
Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won, hands down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5499xd/the_national_poetry_contest/
%
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

In a mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54996d/where_do_you_see_yourself_in_10_years/
%
Scientists recently discovered a new dinosaur that was very intelligent

They named it Thesaurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5498gn/scientists_recently_discovered_a_new_dinosaur/
%
I sexually identify as a mosquito...

... Because everyone wants to smash me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5496v7/i_sexually_identify_as_a_mosquito/
%
What is the difference between the USA and North Korea?

One is of them has a great leader!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5496j6/what_is_the_difference_between_the_usa_and_north/
%
This joke isn't fast.

It's not slow either. I guess it's just half-fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5496ct/this_joke_isnt_fast/
%
A ghost floats into a bar...

The bartender says:
'What'll it be, spirits?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5494i2/a_ghost_floats_into_a_bar/
%
Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus ..

Bus conductor : The older one should sit here
Both looked at each other
And the seat remained empty :p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5493f2/two_ladies_fighting_for_a_seat_in_a_bus/
%
A bug hit the windshield and my Grandma said:

"I bet he won't have the guts to do that again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/548qs6/a_bug_hit_the_windshield_and_my_grandma_said/
%
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand.

It's seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/548qqn/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_to/
%
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/548qas/im_american_and_im_sick_of_people_saying_america/
%
Why does Michael Jackson shop at k-mart.

Because little boys pants are half-off.
Sorry I know this joke is too old to be one of his victims
and I know it is bad taste to make fun of the dead.
RIP K-Mart you will be missed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/548oil/why_does_michael_jackson_shop_at_kmart/
%
I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot?

Myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/548lh6/im_in_a_room_with_trump_hillary_and_a_gun_and_im/
%
Man to wife

: Business is bad, if YOU learn TO cook we can remove servant.
Wife: If YOU learn how to fuck we can remove driver, gardener & watchman…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/548kpy/man_to_wife/
%
My girlfriend told me she wanted to wake up to Oral

I don't know what she expected but it sure as hell wasn't a dick in her mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/548kd0/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_wanted_to_wake_up_to/
%
Who is the world's worst suicide hotline operator?

Shia Lebouf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/548g65/who_is_the_worlds_worst_suicide_hotline_operator/
%
When I go to the bar I get a Lindsey Lohan.

It's a Shirley Temple with a lot of coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/548eo8/when_i_go_to_the_bar_i_get_a_lindsey_lohan/
%
My wife got mad at me because apparently turn on the veg doesn't mean..

Finger her disabled sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/548ejw/my_wife_got_mad_at_me_because_apparently_turn_on/
%
Why is Texas not a part of Mexico?

Because Oklahoma sucks so much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/548dn8/why_is_texas_not_a_part_of_mexico/
%
How did cell embarrass vegeta?

He put a hole in his trunks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/548c2z/how_did_cell_embarrass_vegeta/
%
I never understood how you got dick from Richard.

Apparently you just get him drunk first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/548bel/i_never_understood_how_you_got_dick_from_richard/
%
I remembered an unemployment joke...

...but then I realized that none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/548995/i_remembered_an_unemployment_joke/
%
How many people does it take to start a riot?

-3/5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5486ys/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_start_a_riot/
%
Is milk the best workout supplement?

No, whey man!
(My first dad joke, im so proud!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5484bk/is_milk_the_best_workout_supplement/
%
I like my coffee like I like my slaves...

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54849v/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
The best part about Netflix is there are no commercials.

On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get urine stains out of a couch?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5482cb/the_best_part_about_netflix_is_there_are_no/
%
What’s the difference between a baby and a feminist?

At some point in it’s life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5481fp/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_feminist/
%
My roommate says I don't respect personal space.

That's at least what it says in his diary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5480z5/my_roommate_says_i_dont_respect_personal_space/
%
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm...

...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/547zv2/i_took_the_batteries_out_of_my_carbon_monoxide/
%
I was looking for a lighter on amazon...

But they only had 112.422 matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/547uzi/i_was_looking_for_a_lighter_on_amazon/
%
What do you call a clever repost?

A riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/547uux/what_do_you_call_a_clever_repost/
%
My wife got very upset at the funeral the other day, wailing and thumping the coffin with her fists

And Jeeeeez, you should’ve heard her when she went in the furnace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/547rf8/my_wife_got_very_upset_at_the_funeral_the_other/
%
What is an AI's favorite food?

RAM crackers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/547n52/what_is_an_ais_favorite_food/
%
What do Detroit and the Olympics have in common?

You hear a gunshot and see a bunch of black guys running

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/547mw3/what_do_detroit_and_the_olympics_have_in_common/
%
girl are u my neighbor's wifi?

cuz u have a stupid name and im having trouble connecting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/547m9n/girl_are_u_my_neighbors_wifi/
%
Grandma in court

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a  big disappointment to me..
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate  people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a  big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will  amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know  you.."
The lawyer was stunned!  Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,  - "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone  and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to  mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of  them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet  voice said:
"If either of you asks her if she knows me,  I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/547kjb/grandma_in_court/
%
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES!
Nah, just kidding.
He still hasn’t unwrapped his present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/547jt4/what_did_the_boy_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
%
I found my first gray pube the other day.

It was in a kebab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/547ax8/i_found_my_first_gray_pube_the_other_day/
%
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse

*but I beat her to it*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5473j1/my_wife_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_domestic_abuse/
%
Why did the man fall down the well?

He couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5473b4/why_did_the_man_fall_down_the_well/
%
Little Timmy wasn't in school

When Little Timmy went to school, his teacher asked him:
"Timmy, for the last 2 days you weren't at school. Why is that"?
Timmy got up and replied:
"Well, my family is really poor, and I have only got one pair of underpants, so when they got washed, I had to wait for them to dry, and I can't go to school without underpants!
The teacher nods and replies:
"Well, that is an excuse for only one day. Why didn't you come the next day?"
Timmy smiles and proclaims:
"Well, I was on my way to school when I passed next to your house. I saw your underpants drying outside so I thought you weren't coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5472qy/little_timmy_wasnt_in_school/
%
Cigarettes are like Squirrels...

They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54726s/cigarettes_are_like_squirrels/
%
Three man are stuck on an island...

Soon they are held hostage by the local tribesmen. After being taken to the king they are told that they are to go back in the bushes for a fruit.
The first one comes with a lime. They told him to stick it up his ass, but if he makes any noise at all he will be killed. After sticking the lime in his ass he squirms. For this he gets killed
Second guy comes with a cherry and was told the same. Just as he sticks his cherry up his ass he laughs really hard and for that loses his life.
Meanwhile the first one and the second one meet in the pearly gates. The first one was so surprised that the guy with the cherry made noise he asked him what was his problem he could have been let go.
Then the second guy says, I saw the third guy coming with a pineapple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546xa1/three_man_are_stuck_on_an_island/
%
French Bubble Gum !

An American guy is sitting at a diner minding his own business eating breakfast.
A French guy chewing gum sits down next to him & says "What are you eating there? American bread? In France we eat only the soft centers out of our fresh bread & send the crusts to America."
The American Guy ignores him.
"What have you got on that bread? Jam? In France we eat only the freshest fruit & put the seeds & pits into containers & send it to America to make your jam."
"Well let me ask you one question. Do you have sex over there in France?"
"Oh Oiu, Oiu, you know we do."
"What do you do with the used condoms?"
"Oh flush them down the toilet of course."
"Well here in America we put them into containers & sell them to France as bubble gum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546x79/french_bubble_gum/
%
I'm going to a birthday party in Charlotte tomorrow...

Hopefully the looting isn't over because I forgot to buy a present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546ttm/im_going_to_a_birthday_party_in_charlotte_tomorrow/
%
99.9% of people are idiots

Fortunately, I belong in the 1% of intelligent people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546sth/999_of_people_are_idiots/
%
It's a cold, rainy winter's night.

A man has been working hard all day and has just climbed into bed beside his wife when he hears a knock at his front door.
He gets out of bed, gets dressed and goes downstairs to see who it is.
He opens the front door and a stranger is standing in the rain, soaked to the skin.
"I'm sorry to bother you," says the stranger, "but I could really use a push."
"Do you know what time it is? Go away," says the man.  He goes back to his room, takes his boots and clothes off, and climbs back into bed beside his wife.
"Who was that?" asks his wife. He tells her.
"And you didn't help him? You should be ashamed of yourself. If you were broken down you would hope someone would help you."
He sighs, gets up, gets dressed again and goes back downstairs. He opens the door and calls out "Ok, fine, I'll give you a push.  Where are you?"
A voice calls back from the darkness "I'm over here, on the swing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546s7a/its_a_cold_rainy_winters_night/
%
Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: I have a boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546q8q/me_hello_darkness_my_old_friend/
%
How to Fall Down the Stairs

Step 1
Step 3
Step 7, 9, 11, 13

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546paf/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
%
How do you stop the protests in Charlotte?

Sing the nation anthem they will sit down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546on8/how_do_you_stop_the_protests_in_charlotte/
%
Why do ducks make the best detectives?

They always quack the case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546lof/why_do_ducks_make_the_best_detectives/
%
Studies show...

Studies show that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherfuckers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546kll/studies_show/
%
Is it any wonder men have been obsessed with sex since biblical times?

After all, Adam was ribbed for his own pleasure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546jcs/is_it_any_wonder_men_have_been_obsessed_with_sex/
%
Two couples go to the movies

They get there pretty early and the guys sit next to each other.
The first guy says: "would you give me $10 if I slap the back of that guys head?"
The second guy looks up, it's a big, black guy with his head shaved, mean look...
So he says: "Dude, you are going to die anyways, I'd give you $10 if you did it"
So the first guy walks behind the big guy, slaps him right on the back of his head. When the black guy looks back, angry, ready to get back at the guy, the guy says:" Johnnnn my friend, how long has it been? I almost didn't recognize you".
To what the black guy says: "what the fuck bro, you got me confused with someone else."
The fist guy goes back to his seat, get his $10 from his friend and says:"would you bet $50 that I do that again?"
To what the first guy say: "for sure now you will die. I bet the $50".
First guy walks over again, slaps the back of the guys head and immediately say: "John your son of a bitch, you almost got me, I really thought it wasn't you man, can you believe it?"
The black guy grabs him by his shirt, and yell at him: "You got me confused dude, go away".
The black guys gets pissed, gets up, and moves to the other side of the room, a few rows up.
The first guy goes back to his seat, get his $50 from his buddy, and says: "would you bet $200 that I do that again?"
The second guys says:"now, no question, you will die dude, I'll bet $200"
So the fist guy gets up, walks behind the black guy again and slaps him on the back of his head. When the black guy turned back, ready to kill the guy, he goes:
"Johnnnn, my man, you won't believe it, there is a guy down there on the other side that looks just like you!! No wonder he was so mad at me!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546ikc/two_couples_go_to_the_movies/
%
Why did Steve Jobs die too soon?

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546ic5/why_did_steve_jobs_die_too_soon/
%
What would you do if you won the lottery?

Two friends meet together and one asks:
What would you do if you won the lottery?
-I would build a brothel!
Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money?
-I'd open it to the public

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546hs1/what_would_you_do_if_you_won_the_lottery/
%
If pro is the opposite of con

Then what's the opposite of progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546cf7/if_pro_is_the_opposite_of_con/
%
Just need to grow

I wanted to grow my own food but I couldn’t get bacon seeds anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546bug/just_need_to_grow/
%
How many people died on the Titanic?

A boatload.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546bpy/how_many_people_died_on_the_titanic/
%
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex will make your day, but anal sex will make your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546apz/whats_the_difference_between_oral_sex_and_anal_sex/
%
A helium atom walks into a bar. The bartender says "get out, we don't serve your kind here".

The helium atom did not react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5469x3/a_helium_atom_walks_into_a_bar_the_bartender_says/
%
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

It's hard to pick one, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5468qx/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
What did socialists use before candles?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5468d2/what_did_socialists_use_before_candles/
%
So I paid good money for an Eskimo escort, but I think I got ripped off...

I could tell she wasn't Inuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5467z5/so_i_paid_good_money_for_an_eskimo_escort_but_i/
%
My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to crash in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free...

This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5467z3/my_vietnamese_roommate_is_moving_to_vegas_giving/
%
How are genders like the twin towers?

There used to be two of them but now everyone gets offended if you talk about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5466bq/how_are_genders_like_the_twin_towers/
%
professor gave us a 2000 word essay...

So I gave him two pictures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54668d/professor_gave_us_a_2000_word_essay/
%
Dead crows

There were many dead crows on highways in the Rocky Mountains this year. Ornithologists suspected it was due to vehicles hitting the crows.
This was surprising because crows have adapted to feeding on carcasses by having two birds watching from the trees while two birds feed. If there is a vehicle coming, two crows will shout out so the other birds can fly away.
After analyzing the car chips left on the crows, it was found that 80% of crows killed by trucks and only 20% were killed by cars.
Turns out crows are really good at yelling "caw caw caw" and not good at yelling "truck truck truck".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54653v/dead_crows/
%
I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.
No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54613e/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/546049/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
What do you call a cow who just gave birth?

De-calfinated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545y5a/what_do_you_call_a_cow_who_just_gave_birth/
%
How does mother nature give birth?

With a sea-section

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545wry/how_does_mother_nature_give_birth/
%
How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corner cause it's always 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545wfx/how_do_you_stay_warm_in_a_cold_room/
%
I've finally understood the meaning of "politics"

It's derived from "poly", the Greek word for "many", and "tics", a blood sucking parasite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545vph/ive_finally_understood_the_meaning_of_politics/
%
Why did the French chef kill himself?

He lost the huile d’olive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545qwq/why_did_the_french_chef_kill_himself/
%
How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545o80/how_many_perverts_does_it_take_to_put_in_a/
%
I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545nra/i_asked_my_grandfather_for_twenty_dollars/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545lz5/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_hit_in_the/
%
Why are there no hand paintings from the old west?

Because they could only draw guns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545jql/why_are_there_no_hand_paintings_from_the_old_west/
%
Captain Jokes

Captain:
A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”
The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’s discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.
The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545i25/captain_jokes/
%
Where did Buzz feed learn to click bait so well from?

Me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545fpq/where_did_buzz_feed_learn_to_click_bait_so_well/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545ebj/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
My girlfriend keeps telling me i need a job...

I said "with  your hands or your mouth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545e9k/my_girlfriend_keeps_telling_me_i_need_a_job/
%
What kind of fish is made up of 2 sodium atoms

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545azk/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_up_of_2_sodium_atoms/
%
A man buys some cologne before a job interview...

A man quickly headed to Walmart before a job interview looking to buy some cologne. Not knowing which one to buy, he asked the employee which fragrances were purchased the most by other customers. The employee directed him to five standard fragrances, all of which the man then bought. However, not knowing which one in particular to put on, he doused himself with a mixture of all five. His job interview later resulted in him getting hired, despite his lack of experience in that field. Because of this the company's manager asked the recruiter, "What are you thinking? This guy doesn't know the first thing about what we do!" The recruiter then responded, "I don't know, but he strikes me as a man with a lot of common scents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545atu/a_man_buys_some_cologne_before_a_job_interview/
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My Girlfriend told me that if I bought her any more stupid gifts, she would burn it!

So I bought her a candle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5459lk/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_if_i_bought_her_any/
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Jimmy in the school..

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5455z2/jimmy_in_the_school/
%
ISIS has suspicions that one of their town's members is a Russian spy

Senior ISIS commanders of a smaller Syrian town have been having suspicions that one of their members is a Russian spy, and has been feeding information back to the Kremlin. After some research, they narrow their suspects down to 3 of their newest recruits.
In an effort to determine which of them is the spy, they concoct a test.
They let it slip to the first recruit that they will be moving storage of explosives and ammunition to the local hospital.
The second recruit is told that they will be transferring a massive oil shipment from a cargo area in the south of town for sale in Turkey in the morning.
The third recruit and final suspect is told that all the senior commanders will be holding a meeting at an abandoned building in the center of town at midnight.
The commanders, confident that they will be able to determine which recruit is the Russian spy, all decide to go to sleep somewhere in the east of town - far from any of the targets they just designated.
The Russians got wind from their spy that the local hospital is being used to store munitions and explosives. They then carpet bombed the entire town. There were no survivors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/545348/isis_has_suspicions_that_one_of_their_towns/
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Thank you for telling me the definition of "many".

It means alot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5452af/thank_you_for_telling_me_the_definition_of_many/
%
Apparently I snore so loudly that

I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5452ae/apparently_i_snore_so_loudly_that/
%
Little Timmy and lateral thinking...

In class the teacher asks Timmy "There are five birds perched on a branch.  The hunter shoots one.  How many are left?"
Timmy: "None madam."
Teacher: "No.  Listen.  Five birds on a branch, the hunter shoots one...How many are left?"
Timmy: "None madam.  The others got scared and flew away."
Teacher: "It's not the correct answer but I like how you think."
The next day Timmy walks to his teacher and asks:
Timmy: "There are three women sitting on a bench, each eating an ice cream cone.  One is licking it, one is biting it and one is sucking it.  Which one is married?"
The teacher is a little uncomfortable so does not answer right away but pretends to hesitate and says:  "The one who...sucks it?"
Timmy: "No.  It's the one wearing a wedding band but I like how you think." ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5451u6/little_timmy_and_lateral_thinking/
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There once was a man from Gent.

Had a dick so long it was bent.
To save himself trouble
He folded it double.
And instead of cumming he went.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5451re/there_once_was_a_man_from_gent/
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I Hadn't been into a sex shop in a long time.

Blow up dolls cost a lot more than they used to...
I guess that's from all the inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5451fk/i_hadnt_been_into_a_sex_shop_in_a_long_time/
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Alaskan said to Texan: Stop bragging....

...about how big your state is, or we'll divide Alaska in half and make you the third largest state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5450fp/alaskan_said_to_texan_stop_bragging/
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One time, I wrote down so many double entendres...

...I had to rub one out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/544xrc/one_time_i_wrote_down_so_many_double_entendres/
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With a wheelchair, everyday is Halloween!

Children are scared of you, adults try to guess what you are, and the elderly just give you candy!
Paraphrased from the wonderful Zach Anner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/544w65/with_a_wheelchair_everyday_is_halloween/
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What do you call a dog with no back leges and two steel balls running down a freeway?

Sparky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/544uux/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_back_leges_and_two/
%
When men and women argue who's the most stubborn...

Then men concede they are are, because they just don't want to argue this anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/544u8a/when_men_and_women_argue_whos_the_most_stubborn/
%
Republicans were just informed about the effects of Global Warming on the polar ice caps

They're losing their cool!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/544qrf/republicans_were_just_informed_about_the_effects/
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10101 = 20

Sorry, I'm a bit high right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/544p21/10101_20/
%
I loaned a blind guy some money...

It's ok though. He said he'd pay me back next time he saw me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/544oo5/i_loaned_a_blind_guy_some_money/
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Dark jokes are like food...

Only some people get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/544jxf/dark_jokes_are_like_food/
%
I asked my friend if you could meet anyone living or dead, who would you choose?

He said, "Donald Trump, dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/544jd7/i_asked_my_friend_if_you_could_meet_anyone_living/
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Did you hear about the cow who gambled on an airplane?

The steaks couldn't have been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/544hnr/did_you_hear_about_the_cow_who_gambled_on_an/
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Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church.

They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/544fxr/two_altar_boys_are_hoping_to_work_in_a_church/
%
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/544edj/while_playing_in_the_backyard_little_johnny_kills/
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Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...
Habib begs just as long as Ali does,  but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib asks Ali :-
'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads
'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Ali  says No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Ali shows Habib his sign....
It reads,
'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/544e1h/two_beggars_in_london/
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I don't think I'm racist but...

...the KKK all look the same to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/544c93/i_dont_think_im_racist_but/
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Some women are born to make history....

I prefer the ones who get deleted from mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5448r6/some_women_are_born_to_make_history/
%
Divorce is tough on some kids

Others are just happy to be single again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54487q/divorce_is_tough_on_some_kids/
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People who are afraid of pedophiles

need to grow up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5447wo/people_who_are_afraid_of_pedophiles/
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Wanna hear a story about a ghost?

That's the spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5444ws/wanna_hear_a_story_about_a_ghost/
%
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter

goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5443cf/a_really_huge_muscular_guy_with_a_bad_stutter/
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A man walks up to a juice bar…

There's no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5442gg/a_man_walks_up_to_a_juice_bar/
%
I was throwing some old stuff away

So I called my local waste removal company and asked: Can I have a skip outside my house tomorrow?  And the cheeky bastard said: you can cartwheel round the block any time for all I care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5440xk/i_was_throwing_some_old_stuff_away/
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Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5440sg/yesterday_i_went_to_a_temporary_tattoo_parlour_to/
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I was a bit skeptical when someone told me there were three holes in the ground.

Well well well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54408z/i_was_a_bit_skeptical_when_someone_told_me_there/
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A man sees a burglar breaking into his shed

A man sees someone breaking into his shed. He calls police. They say they don't have anyone available right now. They'll be there as soon as they can, but it may be two hours. The man hangs up.
A few minutes later he calls again and tells them to take their time. He's pulled out his rifle and shot the man. He's not going anywhere. Within minutes the place is swarming with police, helicopters, cars, dogs, etc. They find the man breaking into the shed and arrest him.
The police go to the man, "I thought you said you shot him!" The man responds "I thought you said you had no one available"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/543zug/a_man_sees_a_burglar_breaking_into_his_shed/
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Thief and a congressman

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/543wlz/thief_and_a_congressman/
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Scientists have recently discovered a virus that increases the apathy of those infected.

No one seems to care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/543vwe/scientists_have_recently_discovered_a_virus_that/
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My wife was cremated after her death.

And during.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/543uhx/my_wife_was_cremated_after_her_death/
%
My girlfriend's best friend had her arm stuck in the dirt this morning

She asked me how to get her hand out quickly.
I told her, "Dig south for her arm, bae."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/543ufp/my_girlfriends_best_friend_had_her_arm_stuck_in/
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A priest, a theif, and a child molester enters a bar.

He buys a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/543sbf/a_priest_a_theif_and_a_child_molester_enters_a_bar/
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My friend David had his Id stolen.

Now we just call him Dav..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/543r5b/my_friend_david_had_his_id_stolen/
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America is racist

When Barack Obama gives his speech,  he stands behind a bulletproof glass . That shows how racist America still is.
Just because he's black,  doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone
Thanks Frankie Boyle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/543gz5/america_is_racist/
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We white people don't shoot eachother I'm the streets like you blacks....

We do it in the schools because we have class!
I'm sorry!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/543ebu/we_white_people_dont_shoot_eachother_im_the/
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What is hard when it goes in and soft and sticky when it comes out?

A chewing gum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/543d16/what_is_hard_when_it_goes_in_and_soft_and_sticky/
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How do memes go to the proms?

In a lmaosine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/543ccx/how_do_memes_go_to_the_proms/
%
A condom isn't completely safe.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/543byp/a_condom_isnt_completely_safe/
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Sex Maniac! ---

A newly wed lady writes a letter to her mother for the first time after her marriage.
This is how the letter went:
Dear mom,
I'm happy here but danny troubles me a lot, he is such a sex maniac that he makes love to me all the time, while washing clothes, while bathing, while cooking,etc.
He doesn't give me time to rest at all.
Love ya,
Vini
p.s. please excuse the jerky handwriting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5436xs/sex_maniac/
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I was raised as an only child.

My siblings took it pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5436ku/i_was_raised_as_an_only_child/
%
My friend told me "the first stage is grief"

"Isn't it denial?"  I replied.
"No, not for me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5432kd/my_friend_told_me_the_first_stage_is_grief/
%
I was driving home today and got stuck behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Be an organ donor!"...

They were doing 20 in a 30.
I guess they aren't feeling that committed to the cause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5431hs/i_was_driving_home_today_and_got_stuck_behind_a/
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The doctor said I had, at best, a year to live...

So I shot him. The judge gave me 30.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542xyc/the_doctor_said_i_had_at_best_a_year_to_live/
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What did Cinderella say as she was approaching the ball?

*makes choking sounds*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542ut0/what_did_cinderella_say_as_she_was_approaching/
%
A drunken man walks into a biker bar

sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542u9s/a_drunken_man_walks_into_a_biker_bar/
%
Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property"
Sarah replies, "Property?....The fooker had a paper round!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542u8g/mr_smith_is_on_his_deathbed_and_knows_the_end_is/
%
Once I saw a blind man touching a cheese grater at Ikea.

He said: "who wrote this bullshit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542sm0/once_i_saw_a_blind_man_touching_a_cheese_grater/
%
Flossed for the first time in a long time.

.... I don't remember eating all that blood, but a lot got stuck in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542ple/flossed_for_the_first_time_in_a_long_time/
%
A Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A Kid replied: The legs... Because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING!!
XD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542nw3/a_teacher_asked_which_part_of_the_body_goes_to/
%
My 8 year old brother came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke, this is how it went

Bro," what washes up on a tiny beach?"
Me," No idea."
Bro," a microwave."
Followed by about 2 seconds of me not getting it then laughing for a solid minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542ng8/my_8_year_old_brother_came_up_to_me_and_asked_if/
%
Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542n84/why_did_the_turtle_cross_the_road/
%
What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542lix/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
%
What device does Mario use to communicate with the dead?

A Lou-ouija board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542jpe/what_device_does_mario_use_to_communicate_with/
%
How does a fencer earn their karma?

Ripostes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542imk/how_does_a_fencer_earn_their_karma/
%
Deep in the jungles of Vietnam...

...you don't know what's friend and what's pho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542idx/deep_in_the_jungles_of_vietnam/
%
A little black boy is cooking with his grandma.

Jokingly, he pats some flour on his face and says, "Look, gramma! I'm a little white boy!"
Grandma pops him on the mouth, and takes him to his mother. The grandma tells him to say what he had said to her in the kitchen.
"Look, momma! I'm a little white boy!"
The mom takes off her shoe, and pops him with it. Then, she takes the little boy to his dad's room.
"Tyrone, listen to what your son is saying."
The boy repeats, "Look, daddy! I'm a little white boy!"
Tyrone takes off his belt, and gives him a few good pops.
"Now, son. What have you learned?"
The little boy says,
"Well. I've been white 5 minutes, and I already hate niggers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542i9i/a_little_black_boy_is_cooking_with_his_grandma/
%
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542h45/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
[NSFW] If sex with three people is a threesome And sex with two people is a twosome...

Then I get why some people call me handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542djj/nsfw_if_sex_with_three_people_is_a_threesome_and/
%
The man with the timber eye

I first heard this joke from an Australian. I will attempt to recreate it, in all its Bogan glory.
Good old Steve-o was a nice enough looking bloke, good personality, smooth with the ladies, the kinda lad you'd love to go grab brekkie with the next morning. But he had one flaw-- he was missing an eye, and had it replaced with a timber one. It was a nice enough replacement, but he still looked a bit off because of it, and it hurt his style.
One night, Steve-o is out drinking and he sees a gorgeous woman, but her mouth is on sideways. He thinks to himself, "this is perfect! She's just like me, beautiful except for this one flaw!"
He buys her a VB (like a true gentleman) and starts talking with her. They hit it off, and things go great. As the night starts winding down, he asks, "would you like to come back to my flat?"
She says, "oh, would I!"
He replies, "don't call me Wood Eye, Cunt Face!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542czf/the_man_with_the_timber_eye/
%
When a women dates a younger man she's called a cougar, when a man dates a younger woman he is called

Defendant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542cht/when_a_women_dates_a_younger_man_shes_called_a/
%
A doctor had sex

with one of his female patients and felt guilty about it all day long, and no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
In the end he speaks to one of his fellow doctors about it who says:
"Don't worry about it. You’re not the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last… and you're single… so just let it go…"
"Now get out there and show them you're the best veterinarian in this whole town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542bpw/a_doctor_had_sex/
%
Why are there no Walmarts in Syria?

Because they're all targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542bhd/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_syria/
%
A fellow bought a new Corvette...

...  and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542b3o/a_fellow_bought_a_new_corvette/
%
What's the difference between a man and an octopus?

Octopus: eight tentacles, each its own neural structure that offloads work from the brain
Human Male: one tentacle which controls brain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5429im/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_and_an_octopus/
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Just one word

With the new school year, teachers hand out those "we'd like to know more about you" forms for the students to fill out. One of the questions was "Use one word to describe yourself". My son's answer:
"Can't follow directions"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5427pq/just_one_word/
%
Conversation that just happened between a friend (lawyer) and I (Architect).

Friend: Everybody hates lawyers, until they need one.
Me: Everybody loves architects, until they need one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54277n/conversation_that_just_happened_between_a_friend/
%
One day, Adolf Hitler looked outside and saw heavy storm clouds.

Worried, he contacted a meteorologist and asked him what the weather was going to be like.
The meteorologist replied, "Hail, Hitler!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5425np/one_day_adolf_hitler_looked_outside_and_saw_heavy/
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Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5424kp/did_you_hear_the_shocking_news_about_yahoo_this/
%
I had a dream I was in a part of the US that was filled with nothing but museums.

It was State of the Art.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/542393/i_had_a_dream_i_was_in_a_part_of_the_us_that_was/
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Little Johnny is bad at math

Little Johnny has always been bad at math, never willing to study or apply himself. His parents never beat him, they did however move him from school to school hoping he would improve. Finally out of desperation, they took him to an all Catholic school. Within one week little Johnny improved. He would go upstairs every night after dinner and study his books, math especially. By the time his first report card came his mother was burning with curiosity and sat him down for a chat. His mother said, "Johnny we have tried everything to get your grades up, we are very proud, but what on earth finally made you improve in math?"
Little Johnny looked at his mother and said, "Well, the teachers are dressed funny, but when I saw the little man nailed to the plus sign I knew they weren't fucking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541yt3/little_johnny_is_bad_at_math/
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What do you call an attractive primate corpse in Saudi Arabia?

Haram bae

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541u3d/what_do_you_call_an_attractive_primate_corpse_in/
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My grandpa said ur generation relies too much on technology!

I said, " no your generation relies too much on technology!" Then... I unplugged his life support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541u1r/my_grandpa_said_ur_generation_relies_too_much_on/
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Scientist have found a rare mutation in some goats...

It's called the Billy gene and causes them to believe that the kid is not their son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541q4v/scientist_have_found_a_rare_mutation_in_some_goats/
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So I heard the guy who invented anagrams died today...

May he erect a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541o3l/so_i_heard_the_guy_who_invented_anagrams_died/
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Why do they say cleanliness is next to godliness?

Because every time i talk dirty to my wife she tells me to go to hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541nze/why_do_they_say_cleanliness_is_next_to_godliness/
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An old man is sitting on his porch...

He sees a boy walking down the street carrying along Duck brand duct tape.
He asks the boy, "Where are you going with all that duct tape?"
Little boy says, "I'm going to catch some ducks mister!"
The old man laughs thinking the kid has quite the imagination.
Later that night to the old man's surprise, the kid walks down the street with a couple ducks stuck on the duct tape.
The next day the kid comes down the street with a bunch of chicken wire.
The old man asks, "What're you gonna do with all that chicken wire?"
Little boy says, "I'm going to catch me some chickens!"
The old man scoffs at the idea.
Later that night the kid walks back down the street with a bunch of chickens tangled in the chicken wire. The old man is thinking to himself, How the hell did he do that?
The following day, the kid comes walking down the street with some pussy willow.
The old man says, "Hold on son... Let me grab my hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541nlj/an_old_man_is_sitting_on_his_porch/
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What’s better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

Walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541mtd/whats_better_than_winning_gold_at_the_paralympics/
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The new French tanks have 14 gears

13 go in reverse and 1 goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541mez/the_new_french_tanks_have_14_gears/
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I came, I saw,

I wiped it off and I apologised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541m19/i_came_i_saw/
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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541llk/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541j9u/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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Why did the Dolphin commit suicide?

Because it felt like its life had no porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541iur/why_did_the_dolphin_commit_suicide/
%
what do you call a grenade thrown into a french kitchen?

linoleum blownapart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541fdy/what_do_you_call_a_grenade_thrown_into_a_french/
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Did you hear about the man who fell into the lens making machine?

He made a spectacle of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541e5w/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_fell_into_the_lens/
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Boss calls his worker into his office

"Please go masturbate" the boss says to the employee.
The employee goes and masturbates.
"It is done, sir."
"Good. Please go masturbate again."
"Done."
"Please masturbate one more time"
The man comes back after masturbating. "Sir, I can't masturbate anymore. I'm out of stamina."
The boss looks at him, and says "Great! Here are my keys. Drive my daughter home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541due/boss_calls_his_worker_into_his_office/
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What's the difference between tuna, a piano, and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/541c3d/whats_the_difference_between_tuna_a_piano_and_glue/
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Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar

QUICK! Bar the door and burn it down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54165f/hillary_clinton_and_donald_trump_walk_into_a_bar/
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A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory...

The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540z3g/a_new_employee_is_hired_at_the_tickle_me_elmo/
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A gang of thieves stole a truck full of viagra

They were hardened criminals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540z06/a_gang_of_thieves_stole_a_truck_full_of_viagra/
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Two Guys Are Sitting On The Side Of A River...

When they notice a turd floating past them in the river. The turd shouts at them, "Hey, come on in, the water's fantastic!"
One guy turns to the other and says, "Can you believe this shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540u2x/two_guys_are_sitting_on_the_side_of_a_river/
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Little red riding hood is walking through the forest when she hears a rustle in the bushes.

"Who's there?" She calls. A huge, savage looking wolf jumps up, looks at her and runs off.
So little red riding hood continues ambling through the forest when she hears another rustle in the bushes.
Once again she calls "who's there?" And once again the terrifying beast jumps up and runs off.
Rather perplexed, she continues walking. It isn't long before she hears yet another rustle in the bushes. This time she calls louder: "who's there?"
The wolf jumps up, looks her straight in the eye and says "Would you mind? I'm trying to have a shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540tr8/little_red_riding_hood_is_walking_through_the/
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What do you call it when your computer gets infected with a keylogger, a rootkit and half a dozen backdoors?

A free upgrade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540sin/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_computer_gets/
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Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Shows you it works then.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Monkeys picking cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540qrr/why_do_elephants_paint_their_testicles_red/
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Boy Scout

A boy scout was walking around a pond when all of a sudden a frog jumped out in front of him,"Kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess!" The boy thought about it for a moment then picked the frog up, put it in his pocket, and continued walking. The frog jumped back out of the boy's pocket "Why did you not kiss me?!" The boy smiles,"I'd rather have a talking frog over a princess any day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540q84/boy_scout/
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The Camel and The Man

A man was lost in a desert with his camel. He was hungry and thirsty. He also had lust and he wanted to fuck the camel.
He tried to, but as he got behind the camel, the camel turned it's head and looked at the man right in the eyes. The man felt shame and pitty so he couldn't do it. He kept on walking with the camel.
After a while, he felt the lust again. So he got behind the camel, pulled down his pants but the camel turned it's head and looked at him again. The man, again, felt shame and pitty. He kept on walking.
And luckily, the man found a lake. He happily went to the lake and he saw a naked woman drowning. He saved her from drowning.
She said "Thank you so much! I was going to die if you weren't here. I'll do anything you want."
The man happily said "Then can you please hold the camel's head?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540p49/the_camel_and_the_man/
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A SENIOR'S PERSPECTIVE OF FACEBOOK

For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists:
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. And it works just like Facebook.
And, I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540n5w/a_seniors_perspective_of_facebook/
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It's the first day of Autumn so let's make like Humpty Dumpty!!

And have a great Fall!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540mvv/its_the_first_day_of_autumn_so_lets_make_like/
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What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?

A polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540m5e/what_is_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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Farting in an elevator is....

WRONG.....on so many levels.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540kkp/farting_in_an_elevator_is/
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A newlywed couple was getting ready for bed on their wedding night.

Being the old-fashioned types, this was their first night together. The bride is in bed, all dressed in her fancy negligee, watching her new hubby get undressed with anticipation. He takes off his shirt, then sits down on the bed and takes off his socks, and his toes are all gnarled, small and twisted! She says "What's wrong with your feet?" He replies "When I was small, I had toelio once." She says "You mean polio?" He says "No, I had toelio. Now my toes look like this." She thinks to herself "Well, they mostly stay in his shoes, and I love him, so I can put up with this." He continues to get undressed, and when he drops his trousers she sees that his kneecaps are tiny, twisted, and off to the sides of his legs! She says "My God, what's wrong with your knees?" He says "Another time when I was small, I had kneesles." She says "You mean measles?" "No" he says, "I had kneesles, and now my knees are like this." She again thinks to herself "Well, they stay covered with his pant legs, so I guess I can put up with this as well." So, the husband continues to get undressed. Suddenly he drops his briefs, and the new bride takes one look and yells out "Oh sure, now I suppose your going to tell me that when you were small you once had a bad case of smallcocks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540je3/a_newlywed_couple_was_getting_ready_for_bed_on/
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Four college students missed an important exam

They went together to their
professor the next day, and said, “We’re so sorry we missed the exam. We
had a flat tire on the way to class. Is there any way we could possibly
take a re-test?”
“Sure,” replied the professor. “Come on in tomorrow, and you can all take a
retest. It’ll be Pass/Fail though.”
The four students arrived the next day to take the retest, and all of them
sat down in their seats. Before handing them their exams, their professor
told them, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is, there’s only
one question on the test. The bad news is, if any of you fail, you all fail
the test.
The students sat there, a bit worried from this professor’s strange
introduction to the exam. Then the professor handed out the four exams, and
each student stared down at their papers, which contained just one simple
four word question:
“Which tire was it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540iin/four_college_students_missed_an_important_exam/
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Went to the disco last night...

Went to the disco last night.
They played Twist, so I did the Twist.
They played Jump, so I jumped.
They played Come on Eileen, I got kicked out for that one..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540h9t/went_to_the_disco_last_night/
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2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the sh!t

when a marijuana plant yells out of no where:
"You big dumb dark cow!"
One of the farmer turns to his friend and says
"look at the pot calling the cattle black"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540gj9/2_farmers_sitting_on_a_porch_just_passin_the_time/
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A guy walks into a bar, takes off his hat and places it onto the counter. A duck jumps out.

The bartender asks, "Can I help you, sir?"
The guy orders a shot.
The bartender asks the guy if his duck friend wants anything, and the duck says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary."
"Oh! You're a talking duck!" the bartender says. "What's your name?"
"Houie," the duck says.
The bartender gets him a drink on the house then asks him how his day went.
The duck says, "It went great. I've been in and out of puddles all day. Now I'm getting a Bloody Mary on the house. What else could a duck like me want?"
"That's nice," says the bartender.
Out jumps another duck.
The bartender asks, "Are you a talking duck, too?"
"Yessir," says the duck.
"Well, what's your name?" he asks.
"Douie," says the duck.
"Well, how was your day?" asks the bartender.
"Great. I've been in and out of puddles all day at the river, and now I can have myself a Bloody Mary as well," Douie says.
The bartender says, "Oh, that's fine!"
Out jumps a third duck.
The bartender says, "Well, I suppose you talk, too."
"Yes, I do," replies the third duck.
"Let me guess, you are Louie and want a Bloody Mary?" asks the bartender.
"No," says the duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask how my day is going, just get me a shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540fq3/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_takes_off_his_hat_and/
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I've heard a new Fibonacci joke.

It was as bad as the two previous ones combined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540ep2/ive_heard_a_new_fibonacci_joke/
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I would make a fitness joke

But it just wouldn't work out..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540en0/i_would_make_a_fitness_joke/
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Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?

Because the steaks are too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540box/why_do_butchers_avoid_buying_cattle_from_colorado/
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You know what the worst part of being black and Jewish is?

I have to sit in the back of the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/540bfy/you_know_what_the_worst_part_of_being_black_and/
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How many men do you need to defend Paris?

I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5403pr/how_many_men_do_you_need_to_defend_paris/
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All he wanted was a different sandwich

These 3 colleagues always sat at the same table for their lunch break for years.
As they sit down one day, two of the colleagues say  to the 3rd one. "So what are we having today John, another tuna sandwich?"
John replies " if it's another tuna sandwich, am gonna kill my self"
Right enough, when John opens his lunch box, it's another tuna sandwich. So they have a little laugh about it.
The next day John doesn't turn up to work and they find out he'd indeed killed himself.
At the funeral, the colleagues distraught as they were tell Johns wife "he said he'd kill himself if you made him one more tuna sandwich, all he wanted was a different sandwich"
Wife- " but he always made his own sandwiches"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5402p3/all_he_wanted_was_a_different_sandwich/
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I might have Alzheimer's...

...but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/54014s/i_might_have_alzheimers/
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2 Jews walk into a bank.

Bartender looks at them and says, "Damn, I'm in the wrong joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5400jx/2_jews_walk_into_a_bank/
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A group of philosophers entered a statue contest…

After an hour, their statue was ready. The judge walked up to see a row of tees in grass, with soccer balls sitting on top.
The judge said, "Excellent work. As philosophers, I can see how you've incorporated your jobs into your piece. The soccer represents cooperation among mankind, to protect and to still push forward. The tees represent golf, where your mind is superior to all else in the sport. You use your whole body in tandem with your brain to output great results."
"No," one philosopher chimed in, "It's Soccertees."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53zywa/a_group_of_philosophers_entered_a_statue_contest/
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What do you call a one legged rapper?

A Hip-Hop artist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53zwou/what_do_you_call_a_one_legged_rapper/
%
Three politicians are sitting on a private plane...

The first politician took out a $1000 note, threw it out the window and said: "i just made 1 person in our country very happy".
Upon hearing this, the second politician took out ten $100 notes and threw it out of the window and said: "i just made 10 person in our country very happy".
The third politician pulled one hundred $10 notes and tossed it out of the window and said: "i just made 100 people in our country very happy".
The pilot laughed and told the co-pilot: "i can throw those 3 off the plane and make millions of people happy!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ztkf/three_politicians_are_sitting_on_a_private_plane/
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I phoned my boss.

I said, "I'm calling in sick tomorrow."
"But, how do you know you're going to be ill?" he asked.
I swear, sometimes he forgets that he works in a psychic shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53zpt1/i_phoned_my_boss/
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What do you call it when a man screams at a woman

Abuse
What do you call it when a woman screams at a man
Feminism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53zosu/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_man_screams_at_a_woman/
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No one believes seniors . .. . Everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back..
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..........
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, we’re outta here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53zng7/no_one_believes_seniors_everyone_thinks_they_are/
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What do Justin Bieber and Adolf Hitler have in common?

Neither of them are musicians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53zn5q/what_do_justin_bieber_and_adolf_hitler_have_in/
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Being killed by a paper-cut would be...

Quite a novel way to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53zn2w/being_killed_by_a_papercut_would_be/
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A man's logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and a part of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53zkt7/a_mans_logic/
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A man has a talking dog

A man takes his talking dog to a talent show to showcase its talent.
They come on stage and the man says to the dog 'What do you find on trees?' and the dog replies 'Bark, bark'. The crowd boos.
The man says to the dog 'what do you find on top of a house?' and the dog replies 'roof, roof'. By this time the jeering intensifies and the crowd start throwing stuff on stage so embarrassed the pair return home.
In the car on the way home the dog turns to the man and says, 'Do you think I should have said chimney?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53zict/a_man_has_a_talking_dog/
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I got a free iPad and iPhone today.

It's like... this gun is magic!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53zg0t/i_got_a_free_ipad_and_iphone_today/
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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk in to a bar...

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk in to a bar.
Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says,
"The media is really tearing you apart for that Scandal."
Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to Hide my Activities?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything Else?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, Hiring Cronies, And taking bribes from foreign countries?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Being the mastermind of the so-called “Arab Spring” that only brought chaos, death and destruction to the Middle East and North Africa?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Leaving four Americans to die in Benghazi?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The funding and arming of terrorists in Syria, the destruction and destabilization of that nation, giving the order to our lapdogs in Turkey and Saudi Arabia to give sarin gas to the "moderate" terrorists in Syria that they eventually used on civilians, and framed Assad, and had it not been for the Russians and Putin, we would have used that as a pretext to invade Syria, put a puppet in power, steal their natural resources, and leave that country in total chaos, just like we did with Libya?
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The creation of the biggest refugees crisis since WWII?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos? "
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens' ?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the INSIDER TRADING of the Tyson chicken deal I did where I invested $1,000 and the next year I got $100,000?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean when Bill met with Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, just before my hearing with the FBI to cut a deal?"
Trump" "No, the other one."
Hillary: " You mean the one where my IT guy at Platte River Networks asked Reddit for help to alter emails?"
Trump" "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean where the former Haitain Senate President accused me and my foundation of asking him for bribes?"
Trump" "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean that old video of me laughing as I explain how I got the charges against that child rapist dropped by blaming the young girl for liking older men and fantasizing about them. Even though I knew the guy was guilty?
Trump" "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean that video of me coughing up a giant green lunger into my drinking glass then drinking it back down?"
Trump" "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean that video of me passing out on the curb and losing my shoe?"
Trump" "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean when I robbed Bernie Sanders of the Democratic Party Nomination by having the DNC rig the nomination process so that I would win?"
Trump" "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean how so many people that oppose me have died in mysterious was?"
Trump" "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Travel Gate? When seven employees of the White House Travel Office were fired so that friends of Bill and mine could take over the travel business? And when I lied under oath during the investigation by the FBI, the Department of Justice, the White House itself, the General Accounting Office, the House Government Reform and Oversight Committee, and the Whitewater Independent Counsel?"
Trump" "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The scandal where, (while I was Secretary if State), the State Department signed off on a deal to sell 20% of the USA's uranium to a Canadian corporation that the Russians bought, netting a $145 million donation from Russia to the Clinton Foundation and a $500,000 speaking gig for Bill from the Russian Investment Bank that set up the corporate buyout?. That scandal?"
Trump" "No, the other one."
Hillary: "That time I lied when I said I was under sniper fire when I got off the plane in Bosnia?"
Trump" "No, the other one."
Hillary: "That time when after I became the First Lady, I improperly requested a bunch of FBI files so I could look for blackmail material on government insiders?"
Trump" "No, the other one."
Hillary: "That time when Bill nominated Zoe Baird as Attorney General, even though we knew she hired illegal immigrants and didn't pay payroll taxes on them?"
Trump" "No, the other one."
Hillary: "When I got Nigeria exempted from foreign aid transparency guidelines despite evidence of corruption because they gave Bill a $700,000 in speaking fees?"
Trump" "No, the other one."
Hillary: "That time in 2009 when Honduran military forces allied with rightist lawmakers ousted democratically elected President Manuel Zelaya, and I as then-Secretary of State sided with the armed forces and fought global pressure to reinstate him?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware, when Bill left Office?"
Trump: "THAT'S IT! I almost forgot about that one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53zepk/donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton_walk_in_to_a_bar/
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The wife's back on the warpath again.

She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ze38/the_wifes_back_on_the_warpath_again/
%
I want to be a comedian

But I'm afraid people will laugh at me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53zdk9/i_want_to_be_a_comedian/
%
A head goes in to a bar

to celebrate his 18th birthday with his father who buys him his first beer. Several seconds later he grows a torso.
Bewildered by this amazing revelation his father encourages him to drink another beer, he downs it and he grows an arm!
A small group of punters have gathered round him by now and are egging him on to keep drinking, they are in awe at this miracle that beholds them.
And so he does, on his third pint he grows another arm. The head is overjoyed, "I must keep drinking" he thinks.
After drinking pints four and five he grows two legs. Feeling very drunk he runs around the place and everyone cheers with delight.
He runs outside, feeling the warmth between his toes and is hit by a bus and killed.
He should have quit while he was a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53zc9d/a_head_goes_in_to_a_bar/
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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends

But he did not know which to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look beautiful for you because I love you so much".
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, " I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much".
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man, and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much".
The man thought hard about how each of the women spent the money.
Finally, being a man he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53z8ql/there_was_a_man_who_had_3_girlfriends/
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ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY".

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53z73e/its_a_boy_i_shouted_a_boy_i_dont_believe_it_its_a/
%
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53z660/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that_died/
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Helen Keller walks into a bar

Then into a chair
Then into a table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53yzpf/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

I returned it.  Now where to spend my $608?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53yyql/i_have_an_epipen_my_friend_gave_it_to_me_when_he/
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I renamed my iPod Titantic

It's syncing much better now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53yykd/i_renamed_my_ipod_titantic/
%
A middle school boy comes home crying...

His dad asks, "What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied. The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face." The boy then stated, "But he's cute!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ywxe/a_middle_school_boy_comes_home_crying/
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Why couldn't Kim Kardashian see Caitlyn Jenner?

Because she was trans-parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53yum3/why_couldnt_kim_kardashian_see_caitlyn_jenner/
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Four Chinese brothers

Name Bu, Hu, Lu and Fu wanted to move o America. They had to Americanize there names in order to get there visa. Bu became buck. Hu became huck. Lu became luck and fu..... Decided to stay in China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ytra/four_chinese_brothers/
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To the guy that found my empty wallet...

I don't know how to repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ytju/to_the_guy_that_found_my_empty_wallet/
%
My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

-Because the other fish were crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53yo4m/my_8_year_old_sisters_joke_there_were_12_fish_in/
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To the guy that invented the number "zero"...

thanks for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ymxc/to_the_guy_that_invented_the_number_zero/
%
An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ymdq/an_american_a_brit_and_a_mexican_are_sitting_in_a/
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Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose

Student : So you're saying that it has sugar in it ?
Teacher: Technically
Student: But it doesn't even taste like-
Teacher: What??
Student: What

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53yl31/teacher_and_therefore_sperm_cells_are_made_up_of/
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Mortgage

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ykt6/mortgage/
%
Three women were sitting in a hot tub

one older lady and two slightly younger - when suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The first younger woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang and the second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished she explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip implanted in my hand."
The older woman felt very low-tech and not to be out-done, she decided to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the hot tub, went to the bathroom and returned with a long piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said "well, will you look at that .... I'm getting a fax."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53yjmr/three_women_were_sitting_in_a_hot_tub/
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A horse walks into a a bar

The bartender says "Why the long face?"
The horse replies "My alcoholism is destroying my family"
I'm here all week folks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53yjdj/a_horse_walks_into_a_a_bar/
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I was hiking with my girlfriend, when suddenly, a really pissed off brown bear started charging at us...

Maybe her cubs were nearby, I don't know, but I've never seen such a crazed bear before in my life!
Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me.
One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took and I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53yisv/i_was_hiking_with_my_girlfriend_when_suddenly_a/
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What happened when five fat French men got in the lifeboat?

Cinq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53yg1e/what_happened_when_five_fat_french_men_got_in_the/
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I misplaced something at the office. A nice man in a turban helped me locate it. I guess it's true what they say.

Sikh and you shall find.
(edit: same man teased me about the pronunciation. It was good natured, but it was still a Sikh burn)
(also a comma)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53yf4v/i_misplaced_something_at_the_office_a_nice_man_in/
%
Why doesn't anybody like feminist picnics?

Because they never have any sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ye8c/why_doesnt_anybody_like_feminist_picnics/
%
My wife said she was thinking of getting a vajazzle.

"What's that?" I asked.
She said, "I'm getting my vagina decorated with crystals and glitter."
I said, "That's a coincidence."
"Why?" she asked.
I said, "Because *I* was just thinking about getting a new girlfriend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53yds8/my_wife_said_she_was_thinking_of_getting_a/
%
How do Chinese people laugh?

LMAO ZEDONG!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ydlb/how_do_chinese_people_laugh/
%
I like my coffee how I like my tea

Like my coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53yc8b/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_tea/
%
Three idiots

are in a mental institution. They're being evaluated by a doctor to see if they can go home.
He asks the first one: "What is 20 times 4". "70000" says the first one.
So he asks the second idiot: "What is 20 times 4". "Tuesday!" says the second idiot.
He asks the third idiot: "What is 20 times 4". "Easy, 80!", he says. "Correct", the doctor says. "You can go home. If you don't mind me asking, how did you know the answer?" "Well it was easy" says the idiot. "I just devided 70000 by Tuesday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ybsz/three_idiots/
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My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53y9v6/my_girlfriend_hates_it_when_i_sneak_up_on_her/
%
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53y8mc/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to build a...

Oh wow they're done already!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53y6yh/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_build_a/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
“Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00”
He checks his wallet and says to the sexy bartender:
“Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” he asks.
“Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”
“Well, wash your frickin’ hands,” says the man. “I want a cheese sandwich!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53y6o2/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign/
%
Heisenberg, Ohm and Schrodinger are in a car.

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53y4yk/heisenberg_ohm_and_schrodinger_are_in_a_car/
%
A man breaks into a home, all the lights are off.

He gets through the window and turns on his flashlight. Out of the dark, a voice says "jesus is watching you"
The thief stops in his tracks, freaks out and turns off the flashlight.
After a few minutes he regains his nerve and starts looking around. When he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange voice echoed from the dark saying again "jesus is watching you."
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, again he hears "jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53y4q0/a_man_breaks_into_a_home_all_the_lights_are_off/
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If Trump gets elected...

...it will be the first time in History that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53y43j/if_trump_gets_elected/
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A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw...

He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but the worker on the ground floor can't hear him.
So the worker on the 5th floor tries to use sign language instead. He points to his eye meaning "I", then he points to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a saw motion.
The worker on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating. The worker on the 5th floor is furious so he runs down to the ground floor and says "what the fuck is wrong with you, I said I needed a handsaw!" The other worker says "I knew that, I was trying to tell you I'm coming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53y2v6/a_construction_worker_on_the_5th_floor_of_a/
%
An old couple come across a magic lamp in their attic...

...and when they rub it, a genie appears. The genie grants them each 3 wishes.
The old woman goes first. Not wanting to appear greedy, she says to the genie: "I wish for a new dining table." The genie waves his hand, and poof! Their dining table is replaced.
The old man follows, saying: "I wish for a new car for the two of us." The genie waves his hand again, and poof! A brand-new Porsche appears on the driveway.
The old woman now says: "I wish for a new and bigger house." The genie waves his hand, and poof! They feel the floor shift as their house is changed.
The old man, not wanting to be outdone, says: "I wish for one billion dollars for each of us." The genie waves his hand, and poof! One billion dollars is added to each of their bank accounts.
The old woman now thinks hard. They are both very rich now, but they are each about sixty, and old age has not been light on them. She now says: "I wish we had our eyesight back." The genie waves his hand, and poof! Suddenly their glasses vanish, and they can see clearly.
The old man now says: "I wish I had a wife thirty years younger than me." The genie waves his hand, and poof! The man is now ninety.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53y0k2/an_old_couple_come_across_a_magic_lamp_in_their/
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A friend of mine recently asked me what ballerina's wear...

But I just couldn't put tu and tu together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53xzue/a_friend_of_mine_recently_asked_me_what/
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Why do German showerheads have 11 holes?

Jews only have 10 fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53xvyn/why_do_german_showerheads_have_11_holes/
%
What's the difference between a Caucasian and an asian?

The cauc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53xvl6/whats_the_difference_between_a_caucasian_and_an/
%
A group of old buddies decide to catch up for dinner...

A group of old buddies, aged in their 30s, decide to catch up for dinner. After much discussion, they decide to go to the Ocean View Hotel....because it has a large sports bar, and the waitresses are hot.
Ten years later, aged in their 40s, the same group of old buddies decide to catch up for dinner. After much discussion, they decide to go to the Ocean View Hotel....because you can get an excellent quality meal for a very reasonable price.
Ten years later, aged in their 50s, the same group of old buddies decide to catch up for dinner. After much discussion, they decide to go to the Ocean View Hotel....because it has a superior wine and spirits list.
Ten years later, aged in their 60s, the same group of old buddies decide to catch up for dinner. After much discussion, they decide to go to the Ocean View Hotel....because it's a nice quiet place, where they can sit and eat and reminisce in peace.
Ten years later, aged in their 70s, the same group of old buddies decide to catch up for dinner. After much discussion, they decide to go to the Ocean View Hotel....because it has wheelchair access, and very good seniors deals on week nights.
Ten years later, aged in their 80s, the same group of old buddies decide to catch up for dinner. After much discussion, they decide to go to the Ocean View Hotel....because they've never been there before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53xup2/a_group_of_old_buddies_decide_to_catch_up_for/
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I'm so sick of all these unfunny dad joke reposts.

"Hi, So Sick of All These Unfunny Dad Joke Reposts. I'm Dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53xsgd/im_so_sick_of_all_these_unfunny_dad_joke_reposts/
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Women shouldn't have to be in prison for more than a month.

Because their period should be the end of their sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53xpxm/women_shouldnt_have_to_be_in_prison_for_more_than/
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One day a man with no arms showed up at a monastery, asking if there was any work.

The monk thought for a while and asked if he could ring the bell in the tower by running into it with his head. The man with no arms thought he could manage that and started his new career.
For several days, the man happily rang the bell. Then one day he slipped, missed the bell, and fell off the tower, plunging to his death. The local constable showed up and asked the monk if he knew the man. The monk said "No, but his face rings a bell."
Same monastery, few months later. A second man with no arms shows up and says he heard the monastery had a job for a guy with no arms (and an opening). The monk explained and the man took the jobs. He also happily rang the bell for a few days before slipping and plunging to his death. The constable showed up and asked if the monk knew the man. The monk said "No, but he's a dead ringer for the last guy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53xkxs/one_day_a_man_with_no_arms_showed_up_at_a/
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Did you hear the one about the iphone 7 headphone jack?

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53xi3h/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_iphone_7_headphone/
%
Why don't Germans like humour?

Because it's inefficient!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53xfxg/why_dont_germans_like_humour/
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It all...

The title says it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53xep9/it_all/
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Son: "Hey, Dad! Can I have $20 for a blow job?"

Dad: "I don't know, son. Are you any good?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53xcys/son_hey_dad_can_i_have_20_for_a_blow_job/
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What's the difference between a guy with carry on luggage and a photon?

The guy overpacked, and the photon is traveling light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53xcwt/whats_the_difference_between_a_guy_with_carry_on/
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Today is World Alzheimer's Day!

Just in case you forgot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53x9rq/today_is_world_alzheimers_day/
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What do you call a dinosaur with a super high automobile insurance premium?

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53x9c1/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_with_a_super_high/
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A son is coming out to his father

"I'm gay" the son says.
"You aren't thinking straight" says the dad.
And then they laugh and hug, for it was a dad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53x7u5/a_son_is_coming_out_to_his_father/
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Two gay guys walk into a bar.

One sits down slowly, the other pushes his stool in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53x5cr/two_gay_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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Do you know why Americans think Canadians are so apologetic?

It's because every time someone tells us they're American, we say "oh, sorry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53x4lw/do_you_know_why_americans_think_canadians_are_so/
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That pie smells so good I jizzed in my pants...

I guess you could say I came to my senses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53x1sl/that_pie_smells_so_good_i_jizzed_in_my_pants/
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A man breaks down in front of a monastery

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53x0tr/a_man_breaks_down_in_front_of_a_monastery/
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Sheep and babies

A hwite priest comes and lives with an African tribe teaching about God. One day, a woman becomes pregnant and the baby is hwite. The chief becomes angered. He says to the priest:
"Explain this to me!"
"Explain what/wot m8?"
"There is a hwite baby!"
The chief is convinced that the priest is the father. (they didn't go on dr. Phil tho so it doesn't count)
The priest explains to him that coincidences can happen.
"See that flock of sheep over there? There's a whole bunch of hwite ones and one black one."
The African chief says "Alright, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the baby."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ww7u/sheep_and_babies/
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People often ask me if weed hurts memory

I'd tell them but i don't remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ww01/people_often_ask_me_if_weed_hurts_memory/
%
Why aren't there any jokes about Jonestown?

The punchline was too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wv08/why_arent_there_any_jokes_about_jonestown/
%
Boss offers money for sex...

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast.  I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.  Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."  So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?  She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wu10/boss_offers_money_for_sex/
%
What do you call a man in a tree with a briefcase?

A branch manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wt5b/what_do_you_call_a_man_in_a_tree_with_a_briefcase/
%
What do you call a virgin redneck?

A girl that can outrun her brothers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wsd3/what_do_you_call_a_virgin_redneck/
%
Jokes about abusive parents...

...just hit too close to home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wrvm/jokes_about_abusive_parents/
%
I saw my brother kiss my uncle today.

I'm starting to think he's relatively gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wruf/i_saw_my_brother_kiss_my_uncle_today/
%
What do you call a letter from a feminist?

Hate male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wrl3/what_do_you_call_a_letter_from_a_feminist/
%
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wpie/what_happened_when_the_butcher_backed_into_his/
%
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wo0x/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter because he's not coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wndg/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Two women were talking, one says to the other " can you believe it, the other day Some one said I was ugly." "Don't worry I've been told worse"

"Oh yeah? Like what?"
" that you"re also a slut"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wn71/two_women_were_talking_one_says_to_the_other_can/
%
My mum showed my girlfriend my baby photos.

"You haven't changed at all," said my girlfriend.
"Alright mum," I said, "that's enough of the naked ones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wmmd/my_mum_showed_my_girlfriend_my_baby_photos/
%
how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wmix/how_many_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant.

but then I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wlsu/i_wasnt_originally_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
%
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more bean would be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wlpn/why_do_the_irish_only_put_239_beans_in_their_soup/
%
Whats the hardest part about watching Amy Schumer swim through a pool of dead babies?

Knowing she will make a shitty vagina joke about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wkrk/whats_the_hardest_part_about_watching_amy_schumer/
%
My parents just said they want another child.

"I'd love a sibling!" I said.
"That's not what we meant." they replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wkqg/my_parents_just_said_they_want_another_child/
%
A man walked in to a diner

He sat down and ordered bacon, eggs, toast, and a coffee. The waitress said "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve toast here."
He got up and said "well if you don't serve toast, I must leave at once."
He was lack-toast intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wkf2/a_man_walked_in_to_a_diner/
%
My dad almost caught me watching midget porn.

Thankfully I put my finger on the screen in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53wgb3/my_dad_almost_caught_me_watching_midget_porn/
%
I read an article saying that if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.

Thank God, I only drink every night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53we1t/i_read_an_article_saying_that_if_you_drink_every/
%
what did the cannibal get when he showed up late to a dinner party

A cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53w8xc/what_did_the_cannibal_get_when_he_showed_up_late/
%
I love riding airplanes

It's the only time I don't feel under the weather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53w6d5/i_love_riding_airplanes/
%
I once got kicked out of a library...

..because I put a book about women's rights in the fiction section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53w5ce/i_once_got_kicked_out_of_a_library/
%
Jim and Joe are walking down the road...

Jim and Joe are walking on a road. They come across a pile of shit left on the road by a horse. Jim bets 500 dollars that Joe won't be able to eat the whole pile of shit. Joe accepts the bet, eats the whole pile and gets his 500. They continue walking until they come across another pile of shit. Because Jim wants to get his money back, he bets 500 dollars that he can eat the pile of shit. Joe agrees, Jim eats the pile of shit and get's his money back. They continue walking. Jim is happy until he suddenly comes to a realization. "Did we just eat shit for no reason?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53w4jg/jim_and_joe_are_walking_down_the_road/
%
Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53w3gd/whats_the_worst_thing_you_can_do_to_a_blind_man/
%
I saw 2 blind men fighting

Today I saw two blind men fighting, so I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife!"
Both of them ran away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53vy5h/i_saw_2_blind_men_fighting/
%
What is the difference between a millennial and a gun?

A gun only has one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53vwei/what_is_the_difference_between_a_millennial_and_a/
%
how many Pittsburgh Steelers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just talk about how good the last six were

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53vucv/how_many_pittsburgh_steelers_does_it_take_to/
%
I saw a murder today

It was awesome.  There must've been 50 crows in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53vt9f/i_saw_a_murder_today/
%
I have a buddy that likes to have sex with inanimate objects.

We don't hang out much. He's always got stuff to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53vmrl/i_have_a_buddy_that_likes_to_have_sex_with/
%
In the dark

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on. One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love, and saw that he was using a dildo on her. She says, "Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!" The husband says "Okay, I'll explain, but first you explain the kids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53vkng/in_the_dark/
%
I got arrested today for masturbating in public

My lawyer then told me that we'd beat this together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53vgu1/i_got_arrested_today_for_masturbating_in_public/
%
A man and his pet owl go to the bar together

They had a hoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53vdom/a_man_and_his_pet_owl_go_to_the_bar_together/
%
A man wants to join a Alaskan biker gang.

So a man wants to join an Alaskan biker gang and is told by the members he has to do 3 things to get in
1. Drink A fifth of jack
2. Wrestle a bear
3. Make love to an Eskimo women
The man slams the fifth and staggers to his bike and they drive off to the bear cave.
The man lets out a roar and charges into the bear cave. The bikers stand outside and can hear grunts and snarls coming from the cave.
20 or so minutes later the man then staggers out the cave, his clothes torn and covered in blood... He looks at the bikers and says
"Alright, where's this Eskimo women I have to wrestle?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53vcpz/a_man_wants_to_join_a_alaskan_biker_gang/
%
A Picket to Tittsburgh

I was at the local bus station to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh. While I was in line to purchase my ticket, I noticed the woman working behind the counter was stunning and had enormous breasts. I have always clammed up whenever I speak to women, let alone a gorgeous woman with a great rack, so I silently began rehearsing what I would say in my mind when I reached the front of the line:
...One ticket to Pittsburgh, please....One ticket to Pittsburgh, please…
Finally, it was my turn.
Gorgeous woman: "Hi! How can I help you?"
Me: "I'll have a picket to Tittsburgh, please!"
.........silence....gorgeous woman blushes.....I hate myself....
Me: "I mean one ticket to Pittsburgh, please. I'm sorry."
She rings it up, all while purposefully avoiding eye contact with me. I pay without another word, and I'm on my way.
I sat on the bus thinking about this interaction for about 30 minutes. After a while, I started bullshitting with another guy sitting next to me about nothing in particular. After a while, I shared the details about my encounter with the gorgeous woman selling tickets at the bus station.
He chuckled, shook his head, and said, "Ah man, that's nothing. Happens to me all the time. Just the other day I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to ask her 'Could you please pass the maple syrup?', but instead, I ended up saying 'YOU STUPID BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53vco6/a_picket_to_tittsburgh/
%
A penguin walks into a bar...

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "do you have any plums?" The bartender replies "no, we do not serve plums." The penguin says thanks and leaves. The next day the penguin returns and asks the bartender "do you have any plums?" The bartender replies "no, once again, we do not serve plums." The penguins says thanks and leaves. The next day the penguin returns and asks the bartender "do you have any plums?" The bartender, infuriatingly, yells at the penguin "NO WE DO NOT HAVE PLUMS, IF YOU COME BACK ASKING FOR PLUMS I AM GOING TO NAIL YOUR PENGUIN FEET TO THE FLOOR." The penguin, saddened, simply leaves. The next day the penguin returns and asks the bartender "do you have any nails?" The bartender, confused, replies "no?" The penguin then asks "do you have any plums?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53v91w/a_penguin_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What was Stalin's favorite Insurance?

State Farm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53v8y1/what_was_stalins_favorite_insurance/
%
[OC] Why does the NSA hate winter?

Because they're not used to getting Snowden.
(I'll see myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53v837/oc_why_does_the_nsa_hate_winter/
%
What does the shy little pebble wish for?

To be a little Bolder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53v37n/what_does_the_shy_little_pebble_wish_for/
%
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump?

Trump wears more makeup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53uymj/whats_the_difference_between_hillary_clinton_and/
%
Star Trek

Pakistani President Mr. Zardari just finished giving a speech at the UN, and walks out into the lobby where he met President Obama. They shook hands and walked together in the long corridor when suddenly the Pakistani said,
"You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Obama says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Pakistani whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, Chinese, Japanese and Indians but never any Pakistani, Afghan or Arabs. So my son is very upset. He doesn't understand nor do I about why there aren't any Arabs, Pakistanis, and Afghans in the Star Trek show."
President Obama laughs and leans toward the Pakistani, and whispers in his ear, "Because... the show is all about the future."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53uunb/star_trek/
%
Four Chinese brothers....

...named Chu, Bu, Hu, and Fu decided to go to the United States of America. They had to Americanize their names in order to get a Visa... so Chu became CHUCK, Bu became BUCKS, HU became HUCK, and FU decided to remain in China...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53uu8x/four_chinese_brothers/
%
There are so many obnoxious people in the world, but do you know who really drives me to drink?

Designated Drivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53usy0/there_are_so_many_obnoxious_people_in_the_world/
%
My friend lost his toes in a car accident, so I punched him in the face

I'm lack toes intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53usid/my_friend_lost_his_toes_in_a_car_accident_so_i/
%
My girlfriend won't give me road head...

She says she won't willing participate in sex trafficking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53uq48/my_girlfriend_wont_give_me_road_head/
%
guy just got out of prison

And he's talking about his first night there with a buddy. He was assigned a cell on the third tier balcony,  with a 300 lb muscle head. So he says his new cell mate gave him an ultimatum: have sex, or jump off the blacony.
His buddy then asks, "so did you jump? "
He answers,  "just a little at first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53uhg9/guy_just_got_out_of_prison/
%
I went to a High School pep rally....

The principal had announced earlier that day that he would make an inspirational speech for us. At the rally, he walked up to the microphone for his speech. But, all he did was look at the crowd, smiled, and stepped down.
We were left speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53uc2m/i_went_to_a_high_school_pep_rally/
%
What do you call a fuzzy philosopher?

BEARistotle
I'm so sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53uboj/what_do_you_call_a_fuzzy_philosopher/
%
Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ub25/why_did_the_console_peasant_cross_the_road/
%
An avid art collector wanted to add a new piece to his collection...

So he want to an artist's gallery and asked "my good sir, could you paint me a picture depicting Adolf Hitler's last thought?" After a few minutes of thinking the artist said "certainly. Come back in a week and I'll have it ready for you.
So a week layer the collector returns and meets the artist. The artist pulls a cloth off the canvas and asked "what do you think?" The collector looked over the painting puzzled and asked "how does this resemble Hitler's last thought? I see a turd with a halo and what looks to be a Russian orgy!"
"Well sir, it may seem complex, but it comes down to holy shit, that's a lot of fucking Russians!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53u7yn/an_avid_art_collector_wanted_to_add_a_new_piece/
%
Was sitting at a bar drinking a margarita when...

a waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled back "I know the whole alphabet!" And we just laughed and laughed and laughed.....well except for one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53u748/was_sitting_at_a_bar_drinking_a_margarita_when/
%
Dead Crows on the Mass Pike

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah“, not a single one could shout “Truck.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53u254/dead_crows_on_the_mass_pike/
%
What idiot coined the term ex-fiancé

Instead of near-Mrs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tx7r/what_idiot_coined_the_term_exfiancé/
%
If I was invisible for a day...

I'd kick a mime artist to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tweh/if_i_was_invisible_for_a_day/
%
Kudos to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie!

They really went out of their way to make their adoptive African children feel like a part of an authentic American family by getting a divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53twde/kudos_to_brad_pitt_and_angelina_jolie/
%
What's the most frighting thing you can read in braille?

Do not touch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tth7/whats_the_most_frighting_thing_you_can_read_in/
%
North Koreans are huge Dark Souls fans

They spend all their time praisin' the son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53trxz/north_koreans_are_huge_dark_souls_fans/
%
Jack Daniels couldn't be here today,

But he's here in spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tqn6/jack_daniels_couldnt_be_here_today/
%
What's a difference between a oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tpn6/whats_a_difference_between_a_oral_and_a_rectal/
%
Women always say they want security...

When I’m around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tp9q/women_always_say_they_want_security/
%
I heard Dunkin Donuts has a cold brew now.

Cool beans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53to86/i_heard_dunkin_donuts_has_a_cold_brew_now/
%
Stop sign regulations.

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tndo/stop_sign_regulations/
%
Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.
So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."
Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"
After some silence, Ted raises his hand. "The grass is definitely green", he declares.
"Now that's an excellent one!" The teacher declares. "But when it gets dry, or cold, the grass starts dying, and turns yellow or brown."
At this point, the class is stumped. While the students racked their brains, trying to get the answer to get Monday off school, Billy speaks up.
"Teacher, can I ask one question first?" Teacher says yes.
"Mrs. Teacher, do farts have lumps?"
Surprised, she answers in the negative.
"Well then," says Billy, "I definitely just shat my pants." He gets up, clutching his rear. "I'll see you Tuesday."
TLDR: MOAR JOKZ BOYZ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tjqs/teacher_offers_middle_school_students_a_monday/
%
So a man is dying...

A man is dying, the doctors tell him. But the cure for his rare disease is strange... "The only way you'll live is if you start to eat things through your ass." The doctor said. "You're serious? That's gonna make me live? How embarrassing..." The man says. "Would you rather shove food up your butt, or die?" The doctor asks. After thinking about it, the man takes the doctors advice. The doctor tells the man to begin the procedure at his next meal, and to come see him again next week for a check-up.
A week passes, and the man comes back to his doctor's office. He's seen in the waiting room, wiggling endlessly in his chair. When he gets up to walk to his doctor, he begins twerking and walking at the same time. The doctor asks him, "Sir, are you ok?" The man replies with "Yes, Doctor! I'm just chewing some gum!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tive/so_a_man_is_dying/
%
They laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

They're not laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53thhz/they_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_be_a/
%
Long - 2 Poets

Two men arrive at the pearly gates, each claiming to be famous poets. St. Peter cannot believe they both are poets, so he decides to give them a test. He tells them to compose a poem of 4 lines, with the last word being Timbuktu. He gives them 30 minutes.
After the time is up, the first man approaches. He has on a tweed jacket, with patches on the elbows. His hair is combed, and he has a pipe in his teeth. He recites this poem:
Across the hot Sarah sands
Rode the dusty craven
Man and camel, two by two.
Destination, Timbuktu
Peter is duly impressed. The next man approaches. he has on tattered jeans, and a straw hat. He has a long stalk of grass between what is left of his brown teeth. he begins:
Tim and me a campin' we did went.
We came across three girls a sleepin' in a tent.
There was three of them, and just us two.
So I bucked one, and Tim bucked two!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tf9v/long_2_poets/
%
Did you hear the score to the game last night?

America: 8
Ethiopia: Didn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tf5u/did_you_hear_the_score_to_the_game_last_night/
%
I like my wine like I like my women

Stored in a dark basement till they're 5 years old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53temo/i_like_my_wine_like_i_like_my_women/
%
"Hey man, you want this body?" Asked the serial killer.

"Nah, you cadaver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53te9d/hey_man_you_want_this_body_asked_the_serial_killer/
%
Which of these three does not belong: (A) a lobster, (B) a flounder, or (C) a Korean man who has just been run over by a bus?

The answer is (B) a flounder.
The other two are crushedAsians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tdp2/which_of_these_three_does_not_belong_a_a_lobster/
%
Long - The new ranch hand

An attractive, middle-aged farm wife suddenly finds herself widowed. She doesn't want to give up the farm, so she puts out an ad for a Ranch hand.
A strapping young man applies and is quickly hired. She is still grieving, and so she keeps her distance from him, out of respect for her deceased husband.
One Saturday night she summons the lad to the farm house. She brings him in and says to him...
"Please take off my shoes." And so he does
"Please unzip and take off my dress." He complies
"Now unhook my nylons and slip them off." He does so carefully.
"Now slide down my garter and panties." He does.
"Now unhook my bra and remove it." He does as he is told.
"Now GO AND BUY YOUR OWN CLOTHES WHEN YOU WANT TO GO OUT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tdcq/long_the_new_ranch_hand/
%
The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire.

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain.  I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer.  Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?'
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?
That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tcp8/the_british_have_such_a_command_of_decorum_and/
%
If Trump wins the election, Cher says she'll leave. I like Cher and all, but I think that may be Trump's first big accomplishment.

That'll probably double the amount of plastic we export next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53talu/if_trump_wins_the_election_cher_says_shell_leave/
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So I was checking out at the store the other day.....

....and the cashier told me my total was $12.47. So I gave her a ten and two ones. She said it wasn't enough so I dug around and gave her a quarter. Still not right she says, so I just grab everything in my pocket and put it on the counter hoping she could help.
As a white man in America, I don't understand change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53tacw/so_i_was_checking_out_at_the_store_the_other_day/
%
I doubt vodka has all the answers

But it's worth a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53t9x4/i_doubt_vodka_has_all_the_answers/
%
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

Well, the wedding was terrible... but the reception was great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53t8wb/did_you_hear_about_the_two_antennas_that_got/
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A Sheikh's son goes to Germany to study...

A Sheikh's son goes to Germany to study and a month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: *"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit embarassed to arrive to school with my gold plated Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."*
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying: *"For fuck sake son, stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53t85c/a_sheikhs_son_goes_to_germany_to_study/
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I was about to be given a yellow card for punching another player in the face, but then the ref noticed I was an amputee.

No arm, no foul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53t6x4/i_was_about_to_be_given_a_yellow_card_for/
%
What do gender studies graduates commonly say?

"Would you like fries with that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53t6nd/what_do_gender_studies_graduates_commonly_say/
%
Why are gay men so well dressed?

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53t65q/why_are_gay_men_so_well_dressed/
%
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

Because he only **comes** once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53t62b/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
%
Jokes about jonestown are terrible

The punchline is always too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53t3tw/jokes_about_jonestown_are_terrible/
%
Irish bank robbery

Once  inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53t1l9/irish_bank_robbery/
%
A cat died and went to Heaven.

God met her at the gates and said,
"You have been a good cat all these years.  Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said,
"All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors.
I would like a really fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more.."
Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.
God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives - from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms!
If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done."
All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked,
"Is everything okay?
How have you been doing?
Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL.
I have never been so happy in my life.
The pillow is so fluffy, and those little 'Meals on Wheels' you have been sending over are delicious!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53t0sn/a_cat_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
There are three unwritten laws of life...

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53szjw/there_are_three_unwritten_laws_of_life/
%
Why are libraries so strict?

Because they have to go by the book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53sxwf/why_are_libraries_so_strict/
%
Two lion cubs were born. They were brothers.

While they will still very young, one lion was sent to a zoo in Australia and one was sent to a zoo in Italy.
Years later, the brothers meet again and discuss their lives.
The Australian brother says:
"These guys've been good to me, mate. I've been really happy and I'm the star attraction of my zoo. I don't think any lion has it better than me!"
The Italian brother says:
"That's-a nothing! I get every single-a thing that-a you could ask for! Meat, fish, fast-a food! You name it! The only problem is they refer to me as a tiger."
The Australian brother says:
"WOW! That sounds amazing! Are you serious?"
The Italian brother looks down for a second, sighs and says:
"No, brother. I'm-a lion."
-------------
[OC. Sorry.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53sxex/two_lion_cubs_were_born_they_were_brothers/
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Walking Eagle

On a recent trip Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in upstate New York.
She spoke for almost an hour on her ideas and policies to help all Americans if she was to become president.
At the conclusion of her speech, the tribes presented Hillary Clinton with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Hillary Clinton then departed with her entourage, waving to the crowd as she left.
A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Clinton.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53svlf/walking_eagle/
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What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?

100 people who don't do dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53sv9l/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_50_lawyers_in_a_room/
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Four mid-life friends meet up once a year.

This year they decide to meet in the bar that was once their local for an evening of drinking and catching up.
Jack heads to the bar to get the first round in. Steve A starts the conversation.
"So hows the family guys? My son is doing quite well, airline pilot! The other day he took his new squeeze to      Jamaica, his third holiday in 3 months.."
Steve B leans in and scoffs at the idea.
"My lad is in banking. Just bought his other half a yacht. Planning a cruise around the coast of Portugal soon"
Bill shakes his head and smirks.
"Well my eldest is doing well in his football career, just signed a new deal for 50 grand a week. Now, my boy bought his latest fling a new Land Rover 4x4, a Rolex watch and a villa in southern France!"
Jack returns to the table with the drinks and sits down. Steve reluctantly turns to Jack and asks
"Just been discussing how well our lads are doing now. Is yours still a gay rent boy?"
Jack looks down and sighs.
" Yeah.. but he is enjoying life. For his birthday the other day his lovers gave loads of nice gifts like a new Land Rover, Rolex watch, yacht, holiday to Jamaica and his very own Villa in France"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53suko/four_midlife_friends_meet_up_once_a_year/
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What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53stvk/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$

I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ssov/i_saw_a_homeless_dude_and_gave_him_1/
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A German man walks into a bar..

He stops midway, locks eyes with the bartender and announces: "This is a scheduled stop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53srxy/a_german_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Man walks into a restaurant

Waiter welcomes him and says:
"Hello sir, all our tables are full so you might have to wait for about 30 minutes".
"Do you know who I am?" the man replies.
"Oh, of course, I'm sorry, we'll get you a table anyways." says the waiter.
After the man has eaten his meal, waiter brings him the check and says:
"I hope you enjoyed the meal, here's the check."
"Do you know who I am?!" replies the man again.
In frustration the waiter takes the check back and says:
"Certainly sir, it's on the house."
In confusion the man walks out of the restaurant and thinks himself "Can anyone ever help me with my amnesia?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53sps4/man_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
Kanye West

After a long day at work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest, to take a Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he'll get dressed in his Kanye Vest, and go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church to get Kanye Blessed, and then to a hotel to be a Kanye Guest. Then he's off to school to take a Kanye Test. But he forgot to brush his teeth, did he run out of Kanye Crest? He then realized his neighbor stole it, what a Kanye Pest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53so8c/kanye_west/
%
One fine day in Ireland...

... a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I"m just glad I didn"t hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53snnn/one_fine_day_in_ireland/
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I like my women like I like my bikes.

Chained up and locked down in my garage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53sm34/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_bikes/
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They call my sister the Titanic

because she once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53slgj/they_call_my_sister_the_titanic/
%
A chicken farmer goes to a local bar......

........sits next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence" he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53skwl/a_chicken_farmer_goes_to_a_local_bar/
%
[religion]What's the difference between Jezus and a picture of Jezus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53sj0t/religionwhats_the_difference_between_jezus_and_a/
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"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" generally mean the same thing...

...except at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53siae/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_generally_mean_the_same/
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I like my horses like I like this kind of joke.

Beaten to fucking death. Jesus, come up with something better please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53sgnk/i_like_my_horses_like_i_like_this_kind_of_joke/
%
Excuse me, are you interested in courses on ancient Egypt?

I promise it's not a pyramid scheme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53se4c/excuse_me_are_you_interested_in_courses_on/
%
When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof...

I WAS SHOCKED!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53sd46/when_i_found_out_my_toaster_wasnt_water_proof/
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You seriously don't want hear my next Fibonacci joke.

It's as bad as the previous two combined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53s87u/you_seriously_dont_want_hear_my_next_fibonacci/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the hospital. You see, inside was his dear wife, about to give birth to their first child. The Chicken was, of course, rather excited. "I'm about to become a Dad!" he thought to himself, racing down the white, squeaky corridors of the hospital.
He burst into the maternity ward's waiting room where he found his wife, hunched over and crying on one of the seats. A nearby Doctor was next to her, looking forlornly at her. "H-Honey? What's wrong, what happened?!" he asked loudly, walking up to her.
His wife sniffled, through her weird chicken beak and said "The B-B-Baby...it was...s-stillborn. It's been th-that way since the Third Trimester..." with tears in her eyes.
The chicken gasped. He didn't know what to say. His beautiful baby. His life as a father. All snatched in an instant. The chicken began crying as well, weeping loudly and holding his wife in his arms tightly. "Life is such a cruel thing..."
Why did The Chicken cross the road? To see his Baby get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53s5rj/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53s39s/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
%
What does a redneck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common?

Someone's losing a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53s0tt/what_does_a_redneck_divorce_and_a_burning_meth/
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I like my woman like I like my coffe

With no pubic hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53rvot/i_like_my_woman_like_i_like_my_coffe/
%
Gordon Ramsay screamed at me that I didn't know the first thing about seasoning

But I took it with a pinch of sugar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ruo9/gordon_ramsay_screamed_at_me_that_i_didnt_know/
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I like my women how I like my whiskey

12 years old and mixed up with coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53rlmt/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_whiskey/
%
Some asshole stole my mood ring.

I'm not really sure how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53rk8o/some_asshole_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
My friend told me my mustache makes me looks like Jeffery Dahmer.

I said, "Thanks. I've always wanted a killer stache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53riwd/my_friend_told_me_my_mustache_makes_me_looks_like/
%
A man is buying an apple, a banana, and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53rif0/a_man_is_buying_an_apple_a_banana_and_two_eggs/
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I don't know why I still tell "just the tip" jokes.

I'm not even that into them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53rgk8/i_dont_know_why_i_still_tell_just_the_tip_jokes/
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A Christmas love story.

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53rfr9/a_christmas_love_story/
%
What do you call a sad watermelon?

melancholy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53rfpv/what_do_you_call_a_sad_watermelon/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53rerl/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend.....

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are You fucking Sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53rd6u/a_teenage_girl_was_being_intimate_with_her/
%
Why did Cyclops close his school?

He only had one pupil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53rbun/why_did_cyclops_close_his_school/
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My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53rbp0/my_girlfriend_just_admitted_she_used_to_be_a/
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How do you kill a circus clown ?

Go for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53r9wl/how_do_you_kill_a_circus_clown/
%
I asked a beautiful homeless girl if I could taker her home with me.

She said, "Yes!" With a big smile... But that quickly changed when I walked away with the cardboard box that she lived in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53r57q/i_asked_a_beautiful_homeless_girl_if_i_could/
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I like my women how I like my whiskey...

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53r489/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_whiskey/
%
My girlfriend thought she caught me cheating on her...

I was like, "No baby, I ain't cheating on you, that's just my wife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53r3ti/my_girlfriend_thought_she_caught_me_cheating_on/
%
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class:

"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53r3oo/sixth_grade_science_teacher_mrs_samson_asks_her/
%
A naked women robbed a bank.

Nobody could remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53r2f8/a_naked_women_robbed_a_bank/
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What happens when you put 6 city workers and 6 lesbians in a room together?

You get a dozen people who don't do dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53r29c/what_happens_when_you_put_6_city_workers_and_6/
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Clinton consults the past

Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk.
Shortly afterwards she stepped up to the Jefferson Memorial and stopped to ask "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom's disembodied voice replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
She thought about this while continuing on to the Lincoln Memorial, and once again she asked the same question.  After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53r1z8/clinton_consults_the_past/
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How is anal sex like your first car?

It may not be exactly what you wanted but that doesn't stop your Dad from giving it to you anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53quzz/how_is_anal_sex_like_your_first_car/
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When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18, and I could just have his motorcycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53qurj/when_i_finished_high_school_i_wanted_to_take_all/
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I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.
So I mean who's the real winner here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53qsan/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_gave_me_2_months_to/
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I like my coffee like I like my women

Made by my mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53qq90/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
I don't trust those trees

They seem kind of shady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53qpws/i_dont_trust_those_trees/
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Brangelina is no more.

And it's really sad to see that Brad Pitt is now just 'Br' while Angelina Jolie gets her whole forename back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53qkxe/brangelina_is_no_more/
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You scream, I scream....

The cops come, its awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53qil2/you_scream_i_scream/
%
What's a specimen?

A Spanish astronaut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53qi4r/whats_a_specimen/
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I said, should we go to my place? She said, "Come to my house tomorrow, no ones gonna be home. "

I went to her house. No one was there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53qhwc/i_said_should_we_go_to_my_place_she_said_come_to/
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I wipe my ass like I drive...

Only stop on red

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53qf87/i_wipe_my_ass_like_i_drive/
%
It turns out the town drunk is an exorcist.

Since his last visit, there are no more spirits in the liquor store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53qbfw/it_turns_out_the_town_drunk_is_an_exorcist/
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I normally don't drink, but last time I did I woke up next to my grandmother

I still don't know how I got 6 feet under ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53q8ql/i_normally_dont_drink_but_last_time_i_did_i_woke/
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I asked Siri " surely it isn't going to rain tomorrow"

and he replied " yes it is, and don't call me Shirley"...turns out I left airplane mode on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53q7w7/i_asked_siri_surely_it_isnt_going_to_rain_tomorrow/
%
Never treat a lady like an object

It hates that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53q5y2/never_treat_a_lady_like_an_object/
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What do you call a joke that only works written down instead of told orally?

A [sic] joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53q5l8/what_do_you_call_a_joke_that_only_works_written/
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My friend Dave told me this joke about Hillary Clinton yesterday...

I was just wondering if anyone here has heard from him?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53q389/my_friend_dave_told_me_this_joke_about_hillary/
%
Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve

Because they all share the same DNA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53q24m/why_are_hillbilly_murders_hard_to_solve/
%
What kind of letters do feminists send?

Hate male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53puxx/what_kind_of_letters_do_feminists_send/
%
Why are envelopes and papers white?

Because blackmail is illegal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ptib/why_are_envelopes_and_papers_white/
%
Two Muslims immigrants arrive at the airport

After talking they decide to have a competition to see who can become the most American in one years time. After that year they meet up for a beer and dinner to see who won the bet. The first guy talks about his job in the auto plant, his son playing football, his big new house, and his brand new Chevrolet pickup truck. Before the first guy could finish his rant the second guy said, "shut the fuck you, you sand nigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ptbq/two_muslims_immigrants_arrive_at_the_airport/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women

Without someone else's dick in it SHARON YOU FUCKING WHORE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53pqej/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby daughter?

The baby, because she's a little bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53po60/whos_bigger_mr_bigger_or_mr_biggers_baby_daughter/
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Would you pass the tea?

Three older couples were having afternoon tea.
The first husband turns to his wife and says, "Can you pass the honey, Honey?"
Not to be outdone, the second husband turns to his wife and says, "Can you pass the sugar, Sugar?"
Feeling rather amorous, the third wife turns to her husband and asks, "George, why don't we call each other cute names?"
George turns to her and says, "Can you pass the tea, bag?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53po1o/would_you_pass_the_tea/
%
If piss comes from my bladder and semen comes from my balls, what comes from my finger?

YOUR MOM!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53pmhy/if_piss_comes_from_my_bladder_and_semen_comes/
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Today I saw two blind people fighting

I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife!" They both ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53pm68/today_i_saw_two_blind_people_fighting/
%
[Long] A Polish farmer...

During WWII a Polish farmer is tilling his field when he finds a lamp. He picks up the lamp and rubs off the dirt when a genie pops out.
The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I will give you three wishes."
"Ok" says the farmer, "for my first wish I want the Mongols to come to Poland and then turn around and leave."
The genie seems puzzled but grants the wish. The Mongols come to Poland burning and pillaging their way there. Once they arrive they immediately turn and go back burning and pillaging on their way.
"What is you second wish?" asks the geni
"I wish for the Mongols to come to Poland and then turn around and leave."
The genie get annoyed that the farmer wished for the same thing again, but grants the wish anyways. The Mongols come to Poland burning and pillaging their way there. Once they arrive they immediately turn and go back burning and pillaging on their way back.
"And your third wish?"
"I wish for the Mongols to come to Poland and then turn around and leave."
Now the genie is mad that the farmer has wasted three wishes, but grants it since he told the farmer he had three wishes. Yet again the Mongols come to Poland burning and pillaging their way there. Once they arrive they immediately turn and go back burning and pillaging on their way back.
The genie turns to the farmer and asks "Why the hell did you want the Mongols to come to Poland three times?"
"Because, to get to Poland  *three* times, they have to go through the Soviet Union *six* times"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53pip5/long_a_polish_farmer/
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I tried to get an hourglass figure...

...but then I realised it would just be a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53pi1m/i_tried_to_get_an_hourglass_figure/
%
A robot walks into a bar, orders a drink, and lays down some cash.

The bartender says, "we don't serve robots." The robot replies, "oh, but some day you will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53pfwo/a_robot_walks_into_a_bar_orders_a_drink_and_lays/
%
A man wants to leave work early

Two men are bullshitting at work, when the one says, "I'm gonna try to get out of work early today, I'll act like I'm crazy." The other man shrugs and tells him to go for it, so he does; he just starts hooping and hollering, banging on all the machinery, and finally climbing up the rafters shouting "Look at me I'm a light bulb! I'm a light bulb!"
The foreman, upon finally seeing the source of the ruckus, tells the man to go home, and that he's crazy. The man goes back to his work station, escorted by the foreman, and starts packing his things while giving his buddy a wink.
The other man starts packing up his things as well, and the foreman asks him what he's doing. The man simply replies, "Well I can't work if there's no lights."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53pd7j/a_man_wants_to_leave_work_early/
%
Did you know that NASCAR fans are the easiest people to make fun of?

As soon as they start chasing you down, all you have to do is turn right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53p980/did_you_know_that_nascar_fans_are_the_easiest/
%
Your mother is like a repost.

No one wants or likes her, but almost everyone uses her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53p806/your_mother_is_like_a_repost/
%
A Chinese guy walks into a bar with a black bar tender

The chinese guy sits down and says "hey niger get me a jigger." The bar tender pissed says "How about you stand behind the bar and i'll walk in and see how you feel." The chinese guy agrees. So the black guy walks outside then back in and says "Hey chink i'll have a drink." The chinese guy replied "Sorry we don't serve black people here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53p74b/a_chinese_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_black_bar/
%
How did the ant fall off the toilet seat?

He got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53p5zh/how_did_the_ant_fall_off_the_toilet_seat/
%
People keep telling me that I have no idea what it's like to have no roof above my head

I don't think so, I really like the new Porsche convertible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53p5pd/people_keep_telling_me_that_i_have_no_idea_what/
%
I was reading in the paper...

And I saw this article about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
I thought to myself, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53p379/i_was_reading_in_the_paper/
%
How Does Baby Hitler Tie His Shoes?

With itty-bitty knotsies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53p317/how_does_baby_hitler_tie_his_shoes/
%
I came home one day and my girlfriend was packing her bags.

I asked her what was going on, and she says through her tears, "You're a pedophile!"
I responded: "That's an awfully big word for a 6 year-old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53p2xg/i_came_home_one_day_and_my_girlfriend_was_packing/
%
The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’ . . .

The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?’
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too…’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ovsf/the_doctor_to_the_patient_you_are_very_sick/
%
With age comes wisdom

An old man was fishing at the riverbank. Along came a frog who said, "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman and grant you any sexual favor you desire!"
The old man thought about it and put the frog in his coat pocket.
"Aren't you going to kiss me?" said the frog.
"I'm 75, I'd rather have a talking frog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ouul/with_age_comes_wisdom/
%
I have the body of a 25 year supermodel...

but it takes too much space in my freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53os38/i_have_the_body_of_a_25_year_supermodel/
%
My wife and I were lying in bed the other day, my hands slowly finding their way across her body....

I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."
She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53or08/my_wife_and_i_were_lying_in_bed_the_other_day_my/
%
There is a Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman at the top of a cliff...

There is a Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman at the top of a cliff. They've hiked a long way and decide to take in the view at the very edge of the cliff.
All of a sudden, a genie appears, to the bewilderment of all the men.
"Greetings, weary travellers" the genie exclaims, "As a reward for your hard work, I will grant you each one wish. All you have to do, is shout whatever you desire the most, and your fall will be cushioned by a near endless supply of it."
The Scotsman doesn't waste a second, he takes a few steps back, and runs full speed. Jumping off the cliff he shouts, "Gold!" and by the time he lands he slides into a massive pile of gold.
Seeing this the Englishman does the same, takes a run and jumps far of the cliff shouting "Gems!" and he lands in the biggest pile of gems.
Excitedly, the Irishman steps back and as he begins to run he trips on a rock, "Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53oqu2/there_is_a_scotsman_an_englishman_and_an_irishman/
%
My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt."

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53oqml/my_phone_just_replaced_the_word_killed_with_kilt/
%
I asked my brother for a knife so I could slice cheese, and he gave me a pencil....

But that really didn't cut it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53opi1/i_asked_my_brother_for_a_knife_so_i_could_slice/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53op7x/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
There's a man, ranting, raving, and waving a bell around Times Square...

There's a man, ranting, raving, and waving a bell around Times Square, shouting at the top of his lungs. A police officer notices him from a fair distance.
Seeing that the man is scaring everyone around him, the officer runs all the way up to the man, and shouts, "Hey, what do you think your doing?"
"Scaring off tigers." He replies.
"Are you insane? There aren't any tigers for thousands of miles."
The man nods satisfactorily, "You're welcome."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53oow4/theres_a_man_ranting_raving_and_waving_a_bell/
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What did the cop do when his Sergeant did not grant him the vacation he requested?

Shot a black man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ol7w/what_did_the_cop_do_when_his_sergeant_did_not/
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What did the passive aggressive raven say to Edgar Allen Poe?

"...ugh nevermind"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ol6v/what_did_the_passive_aggressive_raven_say_to/
%
Thank you for explaining that Geico ad to me

It means a great deal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ol4u/thank_you_for_explaining_that_geico_ad_to_me/
%
Did you hear Woody stabbed his best friend?

What a Buzz kill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53okm1/did_you_hear_woody_stabbed_his_best_friend/
%
A midget fortune teller killed his clients and fled...

He is a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ohzs/a_midget_fortune_teller_killed_his_clients_and/
%
This morning I woke up confused and in the dark.

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ohqn/this_morning_i_woke_up_confused_and_in_the_dark/
%
What's a pirate's favorite programming language?

You might think it's R, but his first love has always been the C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53of9q/whats_a_pirates_favorite_programming_language/
%
What did the snowman say to the other snowman?

Smells like carrots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53of4j/what_did_the_snowman_say_to_the_other_snowman/
%
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

One says, "Spit out your gum!"
The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ocv1/whats_the_difference_between_a_teacher_and_a_train/
%
What do you do when an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw your dirty laundry in there with some detergent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53o6di/what_do_you_do_when_an_epileptic_is_having_a/
%
A Nazi is beating a Soviet at a political debate. The Soviet says he needs to take a bathroom break.

The Nazi says: "Now you're just Stalin".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53o1p3/a_nazi_is_beating_a_soviet_at_a_political_debate/
%
An old rabbi and priest are discussing what is the best thing that could be said about them at their own funerals...

'Well' said the priest, 'I suppose if I'm being truly honest. I'd want them to say I was a God fearing man who was devoted to the Lord right to the end and will be missed by all.'
'That's fine enough, I guess'. Replied the rabbi with a shrug.
The priest turned to him with a frown. 'We are both good men. Have we not committed our entire lives to serving God? What could someone say about you that would be better?'
The rabbi thought for a moment and then said.
'Oh, look! He moved.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53o04d/an_old_rabbi_and_priest_are_discussing_what_is/
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What do you say to a soldier who doesn't turn up for Camouflage training?

Well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53o020/what_do_you_say_to_a_soldier_who_doesnt_turn_up/
%
Why is leather armour the best for sneaking?

Because it's literally made of hide.
*Ba Dum Tsss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53nxqg/why_is_leather_armour_the_best_for_sneaking/
%
When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53nxko/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
%
Forget everything you learned in college...

...You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are under qualified to work here.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53nr5d/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college/
%
I'm so glad they released a patch for my car

The windshield was starting to get buggy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53nr3l/im_so_glad_they_released_a_patch_for_my_car/
%
People used to think George Washington was antisocial.

But he just wasn't a party person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53noma/people_used_to_think_george_washington_was/
%
The cop jokes on this sub are getting out of hand

All the black jokes keep getting shot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53nlvt/the_cop_jokes_on_this_sub_are_getting_out_of_hand/
%
Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53njnp/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
%
A bear and a squirrel are carrying on in the forest....

A Bear and a Squirrel are carrying on in the forest doing typical bear and squirrel things.  Eventually, they stumble upon an old magic lamp and as they try to figure out what it is, a genie comes out.  The genie tells them, "I will give you each three wishes for freeing me."
The Bear immediately pushes the Squirrel aside and clamors to go first.  "I wish I had the biggest bear dick in the world and that I was horny all the time."
The Genie nods and says," It is done," before turning to the Squirrel.
The Squirrel thinks about it for a minute and says, "I wish I had a little motorcycle with red streamers."  The Genie nods and POOF, a little motorcycle appears.
The Bear then barks up, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world and all the female bears wanted to have sex with ME!"  The genie nods and says," It is done."
The Squirrel, deep in thought, speaks up at his turn and says, "I wish I had a little red motorcycle helmet with little goggles."  The genie nods and POOF!  A little red helmet appears.  The Squirrel then grabs his little helmet and jumps on his little motorcycle and starts revving the engine, delighted.
The Bear has had some time to think and then speaks up, "You know...I wish I was on a beautiful island and all the female bears were there and they all wanted to have sex with me all day and take care of my every need."  The Genie nods, says ,"It is done," and POOF!  The Bear disappears.
The Genie turns to the Squirrel, whose happily revving his motorcycle and checking it over.  The Squirrel then starts to ride off into the distance and the Genie yells, "Hey wait!  What about your last wish!?" The Squirrel stops and considers it for a minute as he is revving his engine and before he starts to rumble off he says, "I wish the Bear was gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53nhgg/a_bear_and_a_squirrel_are_carrying_on_in_the/
%
Whoever invented the knock knock joke..

Should get a no-bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53nga6/whoever_invented_the_knock_knock_joke/
%
A farmer buys a new young cock

. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, the geese, and the lone parrot too.
That evening the farmer finds the cock lying out in the field, pale, half-dead, with vultures circling his head.
The farmer shouts, "you deserve that you horny bastard!"
The cock opens one eye slowly, points up, and replies "shhhh...don't shout, wait for them to land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53nfjm/a_farmer_buys_a_new_young_cock/
%
IBM succumbs to feminist pressure

Booleans can now contain the value "maybe".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ndpt/ibm_succumbs_to_feminist_pressure/
%
A compulsive liar walks into a doctor's office claiming to be constipated...

The doctor tells him he's full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53nbqz/a_compulsive_liar_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
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TIL Atheism....

...is a non-prophet organization

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53nb7k/til_atheism/
%
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary...

... all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what
has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30,
struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53n5sq/three_dead_bodies_turn_up_at_the_mortuary/
%
Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live,.

So I shot him. Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53n3p1/went_to_see_the_doctor_last_week_he_gave_me_4/
%
Did you hear about the guy with a premature ejaculation problem?

I hear he just comes outta nowhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53n1dp/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_a_premature/
%
What does Sonic say when's he on a diet

Gotta go fast!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53n13f/what_does_sonic_say_whens_he_on_a_diet/
%
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago...

The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53n11d/a_mother_and_her_young_son_were_flying_southwest/
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Old Native American Chief

My grandfather walked onto a Native American reservation one day cause he heard that the tribe's Chief could remember anything.
He walked up to the Chief and said, "What did you have for breakfast on Saturday August 3, 1974?"
The Chief looked at him and said, "Eggs."
My grandfather thought, "Oh, well eggs that's pretty common." So he wrote him off as a phony.
10 years later, my grandfather returned to the same reservation. He walked up to the Chief and said, "Howgh."
The Chief said, "Scrambled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mzqe/old_native_american_chief/
%
Some Muslims were having an argument on my street the other day...

I wanted to step in, but I was afraid it would blow up in my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mza2/some_muslims_were_having_an_argument_on_my_street/
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How do you know your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mx4y/how_do_you_know_your_wife_is_dead/
%
A maid asks the lady of the house for a raise...

"Why on Earth do you think you deserve that?" the lady asks.
Because your husband says I cook better than you ever did.
"Oh does he now? Well, that's not enough, why else?" the lady asks.
"He also says I clean better than you ever did" the maid says.
"I shall give him a piece of my mind later then, but that's still not enough to get a rise from me," the lady replies.
"OK, I fuck better than you too."
"WHAT!" screamed the lady. "How dare you. And did my husband tell you that too?"
"No," says the maid, "It was the gardener, and now I think we can settle on double my rate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mx1w/a_maid_asks_the_lady_of_the_house_for_a_raise/
%
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other:

"I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mwto/two_elephants_meet_a_totally_naked_guy_after_a/
%
I was in bed with my boyfriend Ernie last night, and he said to me "Soph, you got no tits and a tight box."

I said to him "Ernie get off my back."
h/t: Bette Midler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mubn/i_was_in_bed_with_my_boyfriend_ernie_last_night/
%
Been going to the gym now for 6 weeks and have noticed some huge improvements.

For one, they've fixed the water cooler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mtxc/been_going_to_the_gym_now_for_6_weeks_and_have/
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The Purge...

My brother said he would be able to survive "The Purge" if it were real. I put a few laxatives in his coffee we'll see about that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mtid/the_purge/
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What's the opposite of wake up sex?

Necrophilia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mtg7/whats_the_opposite_of_wake_up_sex/
%
What kind of music do wind turbines listen to?

They're huge metal fans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mnza/what_kind_of_music_do_wind_turbines_listen_to/
%
Sean Bean is the Narrator for Civilization VI

So I guess he dies after the Bronze Age or ...?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mm31/sean_bean_is_the_narrator_for_civilization_vi/
%
I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting

Oops, wrong thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mlhw/im_having_a_lot_of_difficulty_with_knitting/
%
I hate all this terrorist business

. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube and think, 'I'll fucking have that!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mjtz/i_hate_all_this_terrorist_business/
%
The Sports Mechanic

Three middle-aged women are sitting on a park bench discussing their children.
"My son William studied Architecture at Cambridge.  He's 25 years old now and he makes £70,000 a year at Bregmann and Hamann," the first woman says.
"My son Charlie read Law at Oxford.  He'll be turning 23 in October and he makes £100,000 a year at Shoe Lane Chambers," says the second woman.
"My son Max didn't go to uni.  He left school at the age of 16, as a matter of fact.  He's 30 now, but he makes half a million a year working as a sports mechanic in London," the third woman says.
"I've heard of car mechanics, plane mechanics, and typewriter mechanics, but not a sports mechanic.  What's that?" the first woman asks.
"Well, you know, he fixes rugby matches, football matches, tennis matches..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mjk9/the_sports_mechanic/
%
What’s brown and very bad for your dental health?

A baseball bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mf4d/whats_brown_and_very_bad_for_your_dental_health/
%
A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:
*"The cannons be ready, Captain!"*
The Captain looks at him and says:
*"Arrrrrrrrrre"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53md9m/a_grammar_nazi_pirate_is_sailing_his_ship_getting/
%
barber shop

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "about two hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About three hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "about an hour and half."
The guy leaves again.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "your house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mbui/barber_shop/
%
Thank you student loans for getting me through college

I don't think I can ever repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mbq4/thank_you_student_loans_for_getting_me_through/
%
Doctor and patient funny conversation

Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53mabc/doctor_and_patient_funny_conversation/
%
A man walks into a pub, sits down, asks for a beer, wipes his sweaty forehead, and says, "T.G.I.F.!"

The woman at the other end of the bar smiles at him, shakes her head, and replies, "S.P.I.T."
The man's puzzled, so he makes eye contact with her, and very clearly enunciates "T.G.I.F." The woman equally clearly enunciates "S.P.I.T."
"Lady, what the hell's that supposed to mean?  I don't think you get it.  T.G.I.F. means Thank God It's Friday!"
"*YOU* don't get it!  Sorry, Pal, It's Thursday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53m9ex/a_man_walks_into_a_pub_sits_down_asks_for_a_beer/
%
Special thanks to my dictionary for explaining the definition of "many"

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53m93k/special_thanks_to_my_dictionary_for_explaining/
%
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53m8lj/i_asked_a_pretty_young_homeless_woman_if_i_could/
%
A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office.  He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer.  The vintner sees the man's obviously a homeless dipsomaniac, so he tries to turn him away, but the man tells him he's here about the job.
"Well, all right, then," the vintner says.  He pulls a green bottle from the cupboard behind him, making sure to keep the label covered, and pours a glass for the drunk.  "Can you tell me about this wine?"
"Urgh!" the drunk says, after taking a sip.  "It's a 1992 cabernet shauvignon from Bordeaux, grown on a north shlope, matured in Hungarian oak.  You can barely tashte the rotten eggsh and burning rubber over the mould.  Give me something elsh."
The vintner is impressed; the drunk managed far better than he had expected, identifying not only the wine's faults but also its vintage and the conditions it grew in.  He still doesn't want the man on staff, though, so he decides to give him a glass of something better, with more complex flavours to discern.
"How about this one?" he says.
"That'sh more like it!  2007 amarone, with a big oseletta content, I'd shay about fifteen per cent, and almost as much forsellina.  Northeast shlope, matured in French chethnut.  It'sh got a big body, long legs, and lots of tannins.  Notes of figs, chocolate, and fine tobacco.  Delicious.  Can I have another?" the homeless man slurs, obviously drunk.
"Hey, there's more vintages," the vintner says as he goes to get another bottle, a white wine this time.  He comes back with the bottle and a glass, hoping against hope that the drunk would be stumped.  "Try this."
"Thish is absholutely wonderful!  It'sh a 1999 Tokaj, 6 puttonyos, grown on an eastern shlope, matured in Hungarian oak.  There'sh a shignificant quannity of Kabar in thish."
The vintner can't take it anymore.  The drunk was obviously qualified, but he simply couldn't have such a person running around HIS winery!  To save himself from the trouble, he decided to give him a truly impossible test: he asked his teenage daughter to urinate into a wine glass and, once she had done so, brought it into the office.
"Woman, 2000 vintage.  Pregnant.  Notes of tobacco and cocaine.  If I get the job, I'll name the father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53m8h5/a_winery_is_looking_for_a_taster_and_so_the/
%
A Chinese Kanndaswami in US

I recently met a Chinese man at a bar in New York, and got to know that his name was Kandaswami.
I asked him, "How did you ever get an Indian name like that being a Chinese?"
He replied "Many, many years ago when I first came to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Tamil refugee.  The lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kanndaswami".
Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53m85u/a_chinese_kanndaswami_in_us/
%
I finally realised why Oscar Pistorius lost his trial

Because from a legal point he didn't have a leg to stand on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53m6p6/i_finally_realised_why_oscar_pistorius_lost_his/
%
I recently got very addicted to skiing

My doctor told me I'm going down a slippery slope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53m4ig/i_recently_got_very_addicted_to_skiing/
%
Which cheese is made backwards?

Edam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53m2b8/which_cheese_is_made_backwards/
%
You ever heard of Oedipus?

That guy's a real motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53m17y/you_ever_heard_of_oedipus/
%
Why is C afraid of D?

Because DEEZ NUTS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53lxqw/why_is_c_afraid_of_d/
%
Did you hear about the overweight terrorist?

His dying words were "Allahu snack bar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53lv0p/did_you_hear_about_the_overweight_terrorist/
%
Not to sound like a badass or anything but I completed this puzzle I got in a hour...

The box said 2-4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53lsr6/not_to_sound_like_a_badass_or_anything_but_i/
%
Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

They would steal all the boos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53lm2t/why_are_ghosts_banned_from_the_liquor_store/
%
My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53lisv/my_wife_and_i_laugh_about_how_competitive_we_are/
%
Two Italian men get on a bus...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53lioq/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
%
My friend asked me if I've ever paid for sex

I've paid dearly: I've got three kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53lh0l/my_friend_asked_me_if_ive_ever_paid_for_sex/
%
So Hillary Clinton recently said half of Tump's supporters are a "Basket of deplorables".

Next Trump will respond saying:
"Half of Hillary's supporters are deportables"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53lfiv/so_hillary_clinton_recently_said_half_of_tumps/
%
Chuck Norris joke cause it's been a long time.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53le7z/chuck_norris_joke_cause_its_been_a_long_time/
%
I don't get why lesbians are called dykes.

People keep explaining to me, but the idea just doesn't hold water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ldqc/i_dont_get_why_lesbians_are_called_dykes/
%
What's the difference between a school and an ISIS training camp?

I don't know, i just fly the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ldi9/whats_the_difference_between_a_school_and_an_isis/
%
I miss my friend jack...

I loved listening to music with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53lcob/i_miss_my_friend_jack/
%
A three legged dog walks into a bar...

He pulls out a gun and says, " I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!" 😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53lbyf/a_three_legged_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53lb9s/why_did_i_get_divorced/
%
A man gets a quote tattooed on his dick.

He goes home to his wife who says, "stop trying to put words in my mouth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53l7gr/a_man_gets_a_quote_tattooed_on_his_dick/
%
What was Helen Keller's favorite color?

Velcro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53l5vb/what_was_helen_kellers_favorite_color/
%
You can't run through a campground

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53l482/you_cant_run_through_a_campground/
%
Why are there fences around a graveyard?

People are dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53l261/why_are_there_fences_around_a_graveyard/
%
Mickey Mouse goes to talk to a Divorce Lawyer

Mickey Mouse goes to talk to a divorce lawyer.
The lawyer says "Now you say you want a divorce because Mrs. Mouse is mentally ill?"
"What?" Mickey says. "I didn't say that!"
The lawyer says "But you told me she was crazy."
"I didn't say she was crazy," Mickey says. "I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53l0cc/mickey_mouse_goes_to_talk_to_a_divorce_lawyer/
%
There's three kinds of people in this world

People who can count
and people who can't count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53l01y/theres_three_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
%
"Daddy , how do stars die ?"

"Drugs , usually"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53kzxu/daddy_how_do_stars_die/
%
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

By walking.
Jk... rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53kz47/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Cause it's definitely not 4. My basement is still dark & I'm running out of room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53kxm1/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip

They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53kxke/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_statistician_go_on/
%
Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency...

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President.
Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.
George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53kvvu/russian_president_putin_called_president_george_w/
%
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, dang it!  BREATHE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53krli/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
%
What do having sex and playing cards have in common?

If you dont have a partner.
You better have a good hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53kpfr/what_do_having_sex_and_playing_cards_have_in/
%
How did Hitler pick up Jewish girls?

With a dustpan...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53km1o/how_did_hitler_pick_up_jewish_girls/
%
Guy walks into a bar.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender notices the guy and says "are you okay? You look terrible!" The guy says "yeah, i had kind of a rough night last night. I drank way too much and blew chunks." "Well that doesn't sound so bad" says the bartender. And then the guy says "no you don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53kksa/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53kj3e/what_do_you_call_two_mexicans_playing_basketball/
%
I was having sex with my German girlfriend last night...

She likes to rate my performance out of 10 in bed.
I slipped it into her bum and she started screaming, "Nein, nein, nein!"
Thought to myself, "Wow, she must really like this".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53khbl/i_was_having_sex_with_my_german_girlfriend_last/
%
What's the hardest part of a vegetable?

His wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53kgna/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable/
%
What did the watermelon say to the honeydew?

"I'm sorry baby, we just cantaloupe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53kexf/what_did_the_watermelon_say_to_the_honeydew/
%
What brand of underwear did Jesus wear?

Fruit of the Womb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53kdav/what_brand_of_underwear_did_jesus_wear/
%
Jokes about menstruation aren't funny...

Period.  😈

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ka6c/jokes_about_menstruation_arent_funny/
%
Man & a Woman share a cabin on a trans-continental train

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….
‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’
‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.’
‘Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.
‘Good,’ she replied. ………….’Get your own fucking blanket.’
After a moment of silence, ………………….he farted.
The End

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53k9nn/man_a_woman_share_a_cabin_on_a_transcontinental/
%
This fibonacci joke

is as bad as the last two you heard combined

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53k9dr/this_fibonacci_joke/
%
Whats the difference between a murder and Hamlet performed by geese?

Nothing, they're both fowl play

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53k8mn/whats_the_difference_between_a_murder_and_hamlet/
%
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night.

I wanted my first time to be special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53k6vp/i_lost_my_virginity_to_a_retarded_girl_last_night/
%
How does a grizzly catch fish?

With his bear hands!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53k64s/how_does_a_grizzly_catch_fish/
%
I asked an Australian to greet me...

He kept beating around the bush saying "I might".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53k5t1/i_asked_an_australian_to_greet_me/
%
I really like the concept of train tickets.

It's an idea I could get onboard with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53k1rh/i_really_like_the_concept_of_train_tickets/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53k009/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
%
I met a really cool girl name Helicase, but there's a problem...

... she's always trying to unzip my genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jzx1/i_met_a_really_cool_girl_name_helicase_but_theres/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jzjd/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
I don't mind being back on my meds...

I just think it's sad that at the same time all the dogs in the neighbourhood stopped talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jzab/i_dont_mind_being_back_on_my_meds/
%
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.

That came out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jyws/my_doctor_diagnosed_me_with_severe_lack_of/
%
Why can't vets use dank memes?

Because they'd get fired for beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jswf/why_cant_vets_use_dank_memes/
%
How do you comfort a grammar Nazi?

they're, their, there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jsm1/how_do_you_comfort_a_grammar_nazi/
%
What do you call a clock you wear on your belt?

A waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jqut/what_do_you_call_a_clock_you_wear_on_your_belt/
%
This joke isn't funny.

What do you say when the punchline's told first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jquo/this_joke_isnt_funny/
%
Why are camouflage jokes always great?

Because you never see them coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jqps/why_are_camouflage_jokes_always_great/
%
Why did they make the toilet paper so hard in North Korea?

Because the Party wants to make every asshole Red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jnxs/why_did_they_make_the_toilet_paper_so_hard_in/
%
How do make a Kia twice as valuable?

Fill up the tank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jnjk/how_do_make_a_kia_twice_as_valuable/
%
I told everyone I was going to be a comedian

And they all laughed at me. Now I'm a comedian, and they're not laughing anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jmu2/i_told_everyone_i_was_going_to_be_a_comedian/
%
What is Hitler's favourite animal?

Adolphin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jmex/what_is_hitlers_favourite_animal/
%
A: Took my temperature today.

B: Oh really?
A: No, rectally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jl60/a_took_my_temperature_today/
%
A buddy and I are in the same programming class

My friend starts writing down a note
I look at it
He says "Hay! That note is private"
I respond "But we are in the same class"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jkrz/a_buddy_and_i_are_in_the_same_programming_class/
%
On average, how many books can you put in an empty backpack?

One. After that it's no longer empty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jjlo/on_average_how_many_books_can_you_put_in_an_empty/
%
Why was the gay man ambitious?

Because all he wanted to do was *SUCCEED*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jj5q/why_was_the_gay_man_ambitious/
%
The Detective

Who was the first electricity detective?
Sherlock Ohms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jidm/the_detective/
%
As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jg40/as_a_cop_i_dont_know_how_to_deal_with_black_people/
%
What do the twin towers and gender have in common?

There used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jfkq/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_gender_have_in_common/
%
I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jezg/i_yelled_shotgun_long_before_anyone_else_but_i/
%
My girlfriend left me....

she said she was sick of my tree puns
what a beech

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jbz7/my_girlfriend_left_me/
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Today's workout was great.

I did 15 minutes of cardio, 10 minutes of defibrillator, and 3 days in the hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53jb0b/todays_workout_was_great/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53j82h/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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English to become official language of the EU

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53j80g/english_to_become_official_language_of_the_eu/
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Did you hear about the Italian chef?

He pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53j6nm/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef/
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Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of dog food from Walmart...

I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to give it a try again.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53j5eu/yesterday_i_was_buying_2_large_bags_of_dog_food/
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My Lawyer said to me...

“I have some good news and I have some bad news.”
“I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first,” I said.
My lawyer said: “Your wife invested $5,000 in 2 pictures today that she figured were worth a minimum of $5 million!!!”
“Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day – now what’s the bad news??” I replied enthusiastically
“The pictures are of you shagging your secretary,” he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53j4no/my_lawyer_said_to_me/
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At this point in my life...

At this point in my life, i drink so i can smoke and I smoke after the bad decisions i made wile drinking, then I drink to forget that I am dying of lung cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53j2bc/at_this_point_in_my_life/
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My new thesaurus is terrible.

Not only that, but it's also terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53j1d4/my_new_thesaurus_is_terrible/
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Two very hot girls try to tease an old man saying ...

" Hey grandpa, what would you do with hot and kinky girls like us ?"
He says :
" Well with only 2 nothing much, but if i had at least 5 i would open a whorehouse. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53j1d8/two_very_hot_girls_try_to_tease_an_old_man_saying/
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What do you call a 58 year old man that has sex with a 9 year old girl?

The Prophet Muhammad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53iz19/what_do_you_call_a_58_year_old_man_that_has_sex/
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You will forget.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53iv2f/you_will_forget/
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Why is the Canadian school system broken

because they only give out ehs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53iujb/why_is_the_canadian_school_system_broken/
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If Tumblr was edible

It would have alot of trans fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53inqj/if_tumblr_was_edible/
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What do you call it when Batman skips Church?

Christian Bale.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53imah/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
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Bored on lunch, here's one I tell often.

Two hillbilly kids.. Darla and Buckwheat are at school The teacher asks Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."
"Now spell 'stupid'."
Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands up and says, otay, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence."
"I may be dumb, I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53iltu/bored_on_lunch_heres_one_i_tell_often/
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A man orders an expensive, 12 year old whiskey.

A man orders an expensive 12 year old whiskey. The bartender has only one bottle left of the 12 year old whiskey, and doesn't want to open it. Instead, he pours the man a 4 year old whiskey, thinking that the man won't know the difference.
The drink is passed to the man and he takes a drink, but he spits it out immediately.
"This is at most, a four year old whiskey. I asked for twelve year old whiskey!"
The bartender apologises for his "mistake," but he still doesn't want to open his expensive whiskey. So he pours the man a glass of 8 year old whiskey, and gives him the glass.
The man takes another drink, and spits it back out again.
"That's closer," the man says, "but it's not the twelve year old whiskey that I wanted."
The bartender is stunned. He apologises once more and realises that this man can taste the difference, so there's no fooling him. At last, the bartender gives in, opens up the expensive 12 year old whiskey, and pours a glass.
The man takes a drink, swallows it, and smiles.
"Now that's the ticket," he says, "There's nothing like 12 year old whiskey."
Now I'm across the bar from this amazing man, and I go over to him and say, "Excuse me sir, but I couldn't help notice that little spectacle there, with you telling the ages and whatnot. Perhaps you'd like to try a bit of mine?"
I offer the man my glass, and he takes it. He takes a large drink, and immediately spits it out and screams, "UUUUGGHH! THAT TASTES LIKE PISS!"
And I say, "Yes, but how old am I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ijhe/a_man_orders_an_expensive_12_year_old_whiskey/
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What is Donald Trump's favourite Overwatch hero?

Mei, because she's from China and likes to build walls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53iinn/what_is_donald_trumps_favourite_overwatch_hero/
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A coworker just asked me if I was voted most likely to take a joke literally by my high school yearbook committee...

That wasn't even a real superlative. I swear, this guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53iga5/a_coworker_just_asked_me_if_i_was_voted_most/
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I used to think I was into necrophilia, sadism, and bestiality...

once I tried it, I realised I was just beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53icih/i_used_to_think_i_was_into_necrophilia_sadism_and/
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A man walks into a bar..

..he orders 3 shots when he realizes he needs to go take a piss
He steps next to a guy and while doing his job, he sees that the other guys dick is absurdly huge.
The guy with a huge dick asks: "Would you like to have an enormous dick like I do?"
The other guy nods hastily.
"Okay, then listen carefully! Wait until midnight, then go to the crossroad outside the village. Take the leftroad, walk about 5 minutes and then youll see a huge stone on the side of the road. On that stone will be sitting a huge toad. You will ask the toad:
"Hello beautiful, would you like to have sex with me?".
The toad will respond: "NO!".
And suddenly, your dick grows 4 inches!"
The man doesnt believe at first, but seeing as hes been mocked by women his entire life, he decides to give it a try.
He waits until midnight, goes to the crossroad, takes the left road, walks for 5 minutes and he sees a huge toad on a huge stone. He cant believe his eyes, but he maintains calm enough to ask:
"Hello beautiful, would you like to have sex with me?"
The toad responds: "NO!"
The man hurries home, rushes into the bathroom, pulls down his pants and he cant believe what he sees - his dick is now 4 inches longer! He is mesmerized - yet not satisfied.
The next day, the man decides to try his luck again. He waits until midnight, goes to the crossroad, takes the left road, walks for 5 minutes and he sees the huge toad once again. And once again he asks:
"Hello beautiful, would you like to have sex with me?"
And once again, the toad responds: "NO!"
The man can already feel his dick grow up in the pants, and he is jumping with joy!
"Just 4 more inches, and it will be just perfect!", he thinks.
So the next day, he once again waits until midnight, goes to the crossroad, takes the left road, walks for 5 minutes and he sees the huge toad once again sitting on the huge stone. And once again he asks:
"Hello beautiful, would you like to have sex with me?"
And the toad responds:
"Are you fucking deaf?! No, no, no, no, and for the last time, NO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53i793/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper up to a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53i5op/why_do_scotsmen_wear_kilts/
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What do the Japanese do when they have an erection?

They vote, you lacist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53i5mf/what_do_the_japanese_do_when_they_have_an_erection/
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How did Canada name their country?

They picked random letters from a hat.
C, eh?
N, eh?
D, eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53i5j7/how_did_canada_name_their_country/
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Two Policemen

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53i4od/two_policemen/
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What's the dirtiest language?

Latin, its absolutely filled with *cum*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53i18a/whats_the_dirtiest_language/
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20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
God please don't kill Kevin Bacon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53i17s/20_years_ago_we_had_johnny_cash_bob_hope_and/
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I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "thanks", I said "don't mention it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53hy2l/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
Why did the bike fall over?

Because it was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53hwtv/why_did_the_bike_fall_over/
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A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary.

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53hvfi/a_man_whod_just_died_is_delivered_to_a_local/
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A Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53humm/a_christmas_joke/
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[OC] Are vegetarians allowed to have pudding?

If so how can they have pudding if they don't eat their meat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53htyb/oc_are_vegetarians_allowed_to_have_pudding/
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A new couple start fooling around...

After a bit the man sticks two fingers inside the woman's vagina and starts turning them to the right.
"What are you doing!?" she asks puzzled.
"To be honest, the first time we had sex I thought you were a little loose," he responds "and as the old saying goes: righty tighty".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53hrz3/a_new_couple_start_fooling_around/
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A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church

and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53hkaf/a_drunken_man_staggers_into_a_catholic_church/
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My friend and I often laugh about how competitive we are...

But I laugh more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53hg61/my_friend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how_competitive/
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To Dig.

I dig.
We dig.
He dig.
She dig.
They dig.
It's not a very beautiful poem, but it's very deep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53hefm/to_dig/
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Another "guy goes to a monastery" joke - an oldie but a goodie

This is an old one, so apologies if its been here before (I haven't seen it yet, but I don't check /r/jokes every day). I'm a bit bored at the moment, so I've embellished it a bit! enjoy :)
So, this guy is hiking in the Himalayas, as you do, and, as he's hiking up the narrow, rock-strewn paths, he realises that it is getting late, and darkness comes early in the mountains, and he was still some distance from the next town. He starts walking more quickly, but it became dark and he couldn't see much in front of him. Just as the panic was setting in, he rounded a corner and lo, there was a light in the darkness. A monastery, not on any map, appearing, just as it was sorely needed.
The guy thankfully stumbles up to the great door and bangs on it loudly. After a short time, it slowly creaked open to reveal a large, almost jolly, monk with a huge smile on his face. "Come in, weary traveller", he says. Wondering how the happy monk knew English, but not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, the traveller thankfully entered the monastery.
"Please join us for dinner," the monk said, with that warming and happy smile. "it will be, as always, a very joyous and happy occasion".
"Thank you so much" says the traveller, as he is shown to a room to refresh himself before the meal.
At the meal, held in the large Hall, with all of the monastery's inhabitants together, the traveller is seated as a guest of honour, next to the Abbot himself. Small talk ensues as they partake of the feast set before them.
All of the monks seem very happy and friendly. Our weary traveller is confused (thinking monasteries were supposed to be quiet, dull affairs), but again, doesn't want to ask any awkward questions, and so is happy to go along.
All of a sudden, one of the monks at a lower table stands up and says loudly, "24!". The other monks start chuckling, and nodding their heads in agreement. One or two even bang their cups on the table.
Another monk then stands up and says, "37". A bit more obvious a reaction this time - the monks chuckle more loudly, a few laughing out loud and more cup-on-table banging. Even the Abbot chuckles to himself.
A third monk, "65!". Loud laughter, patting on backs, more cup on table bangings, even a few feet stompings - clearly the monks are having a  good time!
The traveller, however, is as confused as all hell! Just as he was about to ask the Abbot what was going on, the Abbot himself stood up and shouted "17!". More laughter, more appreciation, clapping and table banging. The monks were loving it!
The Abbot sat down, and saw the confused look on the traveller's face. "My son", he said. "We love a good laugh, here at the monastery. We tell jokes at dinner time, and we all enjoy each others' company. In fact, we tell the jokes so often, that we ended up just numbering them - it makes it so much easier to just say the number of the joke. Why don't you try it?"
The traveller thinks for a bit and then stands up and shouts out "45". More laughter, more feet stomping, nods of appreciation, comments of 'our guest is joining our traditions" and that sort of thing.
The traveller is quite pleased with the response, and thinks to himself, "I'll have another go!"
So he stands up and shouts out "112!!".
There was a moment of shocked silence, and then a deafening roar as every monk there laughed loudly, banging on the tables, stomping their feet, patting each other on the back, pointing to our traveller in obvious appreciation. Some even wiped tears of laughter from their eyes.
The traveller sat down again next to the Abbot, feeling quite proud of himself and turned to the Abbot saying, "They liked that one, did they?"
"Oh yes," said the Abbot, "That was a good one - they haven't heard that one before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53hblm/another_guy_goes_to_a_monastery_joke_an_oldie_but/
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What's the best way to carve wood?

Whittle by whittle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53habr/whats_the_best_way_to_carve_wood/
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Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains

When Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his ear to the ground.
Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, "What is it?"
Tonto said, "Buffalo come."
Lone Ranger asks, "How can you tell?"
Tonto replied, "Ear sticky."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53h9wy/lone_ranger_and_tonto_are_riding_across_the_plains/
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Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

Because he isn't real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53h9qi/why_cant_jesus_eat_mms/
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It's a good thing Harambe got shot....

Dicks out for dead kids just doesn't sound good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53h8tb/its_a_good_thing_harambe_got_shot/
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a little boy's Christmas

A little boy went to see Santa.
He was sitting on Santas lap and Santa says to the boy, "I know what you want for Christmas, you want a B O O K (Santa spells the word book, with each letter he taps the boy on the nose)
Little boy replies, "No. Thats not what I want for Christmas".
Santa says, "Then I know what you want for Christmas," Santa taps the boy on the nose and spells, "B I K E".
Again the little boy says," No. That is not what I want for Christmas".
Santa says, "Then what do you want for Christmas?"
Boy says" I want some P U S S Y and dont try to tell me you havent got any because I can smell it on your finger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53h7rc/a_little_boys_christmas/
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying on bed for a few minutes, the old man cut a fart and says, "7 points."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing."
A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about ten minutes, the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7.
Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
The old man strains really hard, but to no avail -- he can't fart.
So not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart.
Straining, the old man tries so hard, he poops in the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53h69h/an_old_man_and_his_wife_have_gone_to_bed/
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Why'd the scarecrow get promoted?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53h5ah/whyd_the_scarecrow_get_promoted/
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Sad to hear of the passing of Liesl von Trapp

at the age of 73, going on 74.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53h4h4/sad_to_hear_of_the_passing_of_liesl_von_trapp/
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A couple of magnets showed their positive side...

they got divorced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53h433/a_couple_of_magnets_showed_their_positive_side/
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Baby come over.

I'm coming over.
Using walkie talkies in bed is strange over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53h3bt/baby_come_over/
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If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harrassment.

If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53h160/if_a_man_talks_dirty_to_a_woman_thats_sexual/
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What does the wife do when her husband is struggling to breathe on the floor?

She shoots him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53gzzb/what_does_the_wife_do_when_her_husband_is/
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I was walking through the park this morning, when I saw a man, standing on a tree branch, with a rope around his neck...

I asked him what was happening and he screamed, "After I jump, everyone will dearly miss me when they recall that I hung myself!"
I immediately assured him that that would not be the case, even if he jumped, right there, in front of my very eyes, that's not what people will say!!
Tears welling in his eyes, he jumped.
As he was jumping, I said, "After you jump, everyone will dearly miss you when they recall that you *hanged* yourself!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53gzl9/i_was_walking_through_the_park_this_morning_when/
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Bus Driver

So a little boy gets on a bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling "if my mother was a monkey and my father was a monkey id be a baby monkey"
The driver is getting annoyed and the little boy yells again "if my mother was an elephant and my father was an elephant id be a baby elephant"
This goes on a few more times, the bus driver slams the brakes and turns around to shout at the boy "WHAT IF YOUR MOTHER WAS A HOOKER AND YOUR DAD WAS GAY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE THEN"
The boy replies, "a bus driver"
(Sorry if repost or not funny)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53gze0/bus_driver/
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When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken...

it was hard to grasp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53gyme/when_i_awoke_from_the_accident_and_they_told_me/
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Duke the dog

A young man arrived a little early to pick up his date. The young man was invited in and was asked to wait in the living room with the young woman's father.
Father is not very friendly and the family dog comes over to the nervous young man and sits down.
Being nervous the young man has a terrible case of gas and takes a chance and releases some.
The father loudly says' "Duke" The young man is releaved thinking the father thinks the dog passed gas. So the young man releases some more. Again the father shouts "Duke!!". The young man is beginning to feel better and he passes gas one more time and the father says "Duke, get over here before he shits on you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53gy34/duke_the_dog/
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Why do Java programmers need glasses?

Because they can't C#.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53gvk1/why_do_java_programmers_need_glasses/
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What's the difference between 'Oh' and 'Oooh'?

About three inches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53gub6/whats_the_difference_between_oh_and_oooh/
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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ?

"Today sure was ruff"
Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53gse8/what_did_the_dog_say_after_a_hard_day_at_work/
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I only drink twice a year

When it's my birthday, and when it's not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53goyx/i_only_drink_twice_a_year/
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Which profession has the worst sense of humour?

Well, chiropodists like *corny* jokes.
But opticians like them *cornea*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53gnu8/which_profession_has_the_worst_sense_of_humour/
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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?

Because it was making him moody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53glbl/why_did_barty_crouch_jr_quit_drinking/
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A pirate has a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

As he walks down the street someone notices and asks "Doesn't that hurt?"
The pirate replies, "Arr, it drives me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53gkw5/a_pirate_has_a_steering_wheel_attached_to_his/
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how many /r/jokes user does it take to repost a joke?

three.
one to actually do it, one to complain that it has been done before, and another one to repost the said repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53gkv5/how_many_rjokes_user_does_it_take_to_repost_a_joke/
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Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53gjxi/ever_since_i_installed_adblocker_plus_things/
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I couldn't imagine my parents having sex

So last night I hid in their closet and watched

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53gixo/i_couldnt_imagine_my_parents_having_sex/
%
At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode...

I asked, "Are you two an item?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ghzh/at_the_supermarket_i_saw_a_man_and_a_woman/
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I can't even...

...so I guess I'm odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ghhn/i_cant_even/
%
It's so cold outside

I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53gfhh/its_so_cold_outside/
%
[NSFW] Why don't pedophiles ever win races?

They're always coming in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53geri/nsfw_why_dont_pedophiles_ever_win_races/
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Why was the clumsy vegetable farmer a good dj?

Because he dropped the beet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53g8aq/why_was_the_clumsy_vegetable_farmer_a_good_dj/
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There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry for someone with a dick like mine.

Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53g686/theres_plenty_of_jobs_in_the_porn_industry_for/
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Hitler was a bad guy... But then again he did kill hitler.

But he also killed the guy that killed hitler, so...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53g4v8/hitler_was_a_bad_guy_but_then_again_he_did_kill/
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Two termites go on a date..

Waiter: what would you like to order sir?
Termite: Table for two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53g4b7/two_termites_go_on_a_date/
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An Indian farmer is speaking to a farmer from Texas...

The Texan asked "How large is your farm?"
The Indian replied, "See that light pole? My farm is about from where standing to there. How about yours?"
The Texan nodded and said, "If you wake up at the crack of dawn and you begin to drive, and you drive and drive and drive, at about noon, you will reach the end of my property line."
The Indian famer chuckled and said, "Yeah, I've owned cars like that too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53g35v/an_indian_farmer_is_speaking_to_a_farmer_from/
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How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb

One... but the lightbulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53g2yn/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A Trucker Hates Lawyers so Much That When he Sees Them he Always Runs Them Over

One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53g1c7/a_trucker_hates_lawyers_so_much_that_when_he_sees/
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Now that Donald Trump having a real shot at the presidency, who is most afraid?

​Every Juan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53g16g/now_that_donald_trump_having_a_real_shot_at_the/
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Three Lawyers and Three Engineers were Traveling by Train to Conference

At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.
"How are you going to travel on a single ticket?" asked a lawyer.
"Wait and watch" answered one of the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, "Ticket please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.
So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy any.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed lawyers.
"Wait and watch" answered an engineer.
In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53g0u2/three_lawyers_and_three_engineers_were_traveling/
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Did you hear what happened when the Pope went to mount Olive?

Popeye beat the shit out of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fz6d/did_you_hear_what_happened_when_the_pope_went_to/
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My Dream is to Become the World's Best Procrastinator...

But I'll start chasing my dreams another day, I don't feel like it now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fyng/my_dream_is_to_become_the_worlds_best/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.
Seven also has a hook for a hand, which is very scary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fw3x/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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My Mom burned my Hawaiian pizza today...

I guess she should have put the oven on aloha setting...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fviw/my_mom_burned_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
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what does Geico and your girlfriend have in common?

Shes so easy a cave man could do her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fsjl/what_does_geico_and_your_girlfriend_have_in_common/
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It's true that blacks can be racist too!

But just like everything else in life, whites are always better at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fqzz/its_true_that_blacks_can_be_racist_too/
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Someone told me my clothes were gay.

I said, “Yeah, they’ve just come out of the closet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fqu5/someone_told_me_my_clothes_were_gay/
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Why didn't Jesus have any children?

He only got nailed by guys ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fpnz/why_didnt_jesus_have_any_children/
%
A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"
And the guy says, "Your light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53foy4/a_guy_walks_into_a_dentists_office_and_says_i/
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Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares their dogs too much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fol9/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
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What do you call a hookers fart?

A prostitoot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fnuy/what_do_you_call_a_hookers_fart/
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You hold the power to save them...

With all your honor and dignity, what would you do? Please don't answer without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.
You're in Florida ... in Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power.
Suddenly you see a man and woman in the water, fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar.
Suddenly you know who they are - it's Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, caught in the storm surge while leaving the debate!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them away, forever. You have two options. You can save them or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the lives of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the deaths of two of the most powerful people in the United States.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fntx/you_hold_the_power_to_save_them/
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The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fmta/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
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Monk...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fmgg/monk/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fjn2/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Where does Moses get his coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fhaj/where_does_moses_get_his_coffee/
%
A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey?! Pack for vacation, I won the lottery!"

The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?"
He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fh4g/a_man_comes_home_one_day_and_says_guess_what/
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What does the neckbeard mosquito say to the female mosquito?

M'laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fh4d/what_does_the_neckbeard_mosquito_say_to_the/
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How many Dallas Cowboys fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

They don't. They just talk about when it did work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53fc1e/how_many_dallas_cowboys_fans_does_it_take_to/
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What's it called when you're killing time at work hiding in the bathroom?

Stalling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53f5de/whats_it_called_when_youre_killing_time_at_work/
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What type of road race do Donald Trump supporters run?

3 K's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53f35x/what_type_of_road_race_do_donald_trump_supporters/
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What happens when two pastries divorce?

They have a custardy battle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53f23z/what_happens_when_two_pastries_divorce/
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A fly drops 6 inches.

There's a fly hovering above a lake just out of the reach of a fish.
The fly drops 6 inches so the fish jumped out of the water and eats it.
Unfortunately there is a bear waiting for that fish and the bear snags the fish.
Across the lake on the shore there's a hunter who is aiming his rifle at that bear.
He misses because a mouse is eating his crackers and that little noise was enough to ruin his aim.
The cat that has been stalking the mouse  then tries to pounce on the mouse but misses and ends up in the water.
Moral of the story: When the fly drops 6 inches the pussy is sure to get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ez39/a_fly_drops_6_inches/
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Where do suicide bombers go where they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53eybr/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_where_they_die/
%
Little Johnny

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.  "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"  And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53esej/little_johnny/
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Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53eq57/today_i_quit_drinking_for_good/
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[Dirty] Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night...

The plot thickens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53epes/dirty_some_more_dirt_was_mysteriously_added_to_my/
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A man is walking through a forest and sees a huge hole

The whole is really deep. It's huge and dark and seems bottomless, so the man decides to see how deep.
He throws in a pebble and listens, but it doesn't make a sound.
He throws in a big stick; still no sound
He throws in a huge tree stump he prised up out of the ground; nothing
Suddenly, a dog comes running by and jumps straight into the hole at alarming speed.
The man stares into the hole, dumbfounded, when another man walks by and asks "have you seen my dog?"
"Yeah" he replies, "he just jumped in this hole"
"That's funny" the other man replies, "I had him tied to a tree stump"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53els5/a_man_is_walking_through_a_forest_and_sees_a_huge/
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How are children like cellphones?

If you’ve lost one and haven’t found it in a couple days, chances are it’s probably dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53els1/how_are_children_like_cellphones/
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Why cant train drivers be sentenced to the electric chair?

Because they're bad conductors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53el2n/why_cant_train_drivers_be_sentenced_to_the/
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My Son Kerry and Puppies

So I was walking down the street with my son kerry and we seen a couple of dogs having sex. My son being young and all says "dad what are they doing" I say "they making puppies son" "like that?" "yeah right from behind son. Anyway a few days later kerry walks in on me and the wife having sex and goes "dad what are yous doing?" I say "we making your little brother son" He says "turn the bitch over, id rather have puppies"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53eiin/my_son_kerry_and_puppies/
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How many /r/Jokes users does it take to make a Joke?

WRONG! They don't make it, they steal it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53egjy/how_many_rjokes_users_does_it_take_to_make_a_joke/
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A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital..

A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a
95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.":)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53egfr/a_man_goes_to_visit_his_grandpa_in_hospital/
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An American man travels to Japan on business...

...and on his first night he visits a bar in Tokyo to experience the local nightlife. He meets an enchanting woman, and after several rounds of drinks and flirting, she accompanies him back to his hotel. They commence copulation, and in the throws of passion, the woman screams out "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!" The man, pleased with himself for appeasing his lover's desires, finishes and rolls over to sleep.
The next morning, he meets a prospective business associate for golf. On the first hole, his golf partner completes the round under par. In an attempt to impress him, he shouts "Machigatta ana!" His associate replies "What do you mean 'wrong hole'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53eeyh/an_american_man_travels_to_japan_on_business/
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A group of feminists deciede to have a picnic...

But nobody made any sandwhiches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53eer9/a_group_of_feminists_deciede_to_have_a_picnic/
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A man walks into a bar

... and stays there my entire childhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53eemu/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A kid asks his grandmother "How come ive never seen you and grandpa fight?..."

/ - ... I see mom and dad fight from time to time, but ive never seen you and grandaddy fight... why is that?
/  - Well, says the grandma, we got married in the old church in the middle of town, after the marriage ceremony, we hopped on our horse carriage, it was a long time ago when horse carriages where still a thing, and cars where just starting to come around... And we went our way to our farm, that was a bit away from town, but half way there, the horse stopped, and it refused to start walking again, so your grandpa got down, stood in front of the horse, looked it directly at his eyes and said "one".
/ - He got up on the carriage again, and the horse started walking, i thought that would be it, but then a few miles ahead, the horse again stopped and refused to keep walking, the horse was not tired, or thirsty or hungry, he was just being stubborn!, so your grandpa got down, stood in front of the horse looked directly at his eyes, and said "TWO", he hopped on and we continued our way, with the horse walking again.
/ - When we where almost at the farm, the horse decided to stop again, and wouldnt walk, your grandpa, he got down, looked the horse directly in its eyes, and as he said THREE! he pulled out his gun and he shot the horse right between the eyes.
/ - For a second i was just stunned, he calmly started walking towards the carriage and i started yelling at him!, WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?, WHY DID YOU DO THAT FOR?, NOW HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET THE CARRIAGE TO THE FARM?, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SHOOT THE HORSE!!!", he looked me directly at my eyes, and said, "one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53eajo/a_kid_asks_his_grandmother_how_come_ive_never/
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To the person who stole my selfie stick:

You need to take a long look at yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53eaez/to_the_person_who_stole_my_selfie_stick/
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To the handicapped guy who stole my bag:

You can hide but you can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53e684/to_the_handicapped_guy_who_stole_my_bag/
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I asked my mother who was her favorite child...

She thought for a second and said, "Do I have to pick one of mine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53e5zv/i_asked_my_mother_who_was_her_favorite_child/
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My pet mouse "Elvis" died yesterday...

He was caught in a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53e5gc/my_pet_mouse_elvis_died_yesterday/
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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
" Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers,
"It's okay boys. He's one of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53e4iz/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_in_west_virginia_and/
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What's the best thing to do with a thimble?

Bang it with a drum-thtick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53e3jh/whats_the_best_thing_to_do_with_a_thimble/
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What's the difference between a priest and a zit

A zit waits until you're 12 before it comes on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53e0b2/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_zit/
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What is an avocado's favorite game to play?

Guack-a-mole!
I'm about to be a dad so this seemed fitting for my first post :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dz7f/what_is_an_avocados_favorite_game_to_play/
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What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dxuj/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
%
I was at the ATM, and this old lady asked me to help check her balance,

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dx83/i_was_at_the_atm_and_this_old_lady_asked_me_to/
%
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dwxh/i_was_sitting_in_a_bar_one_day_and_two_really/
%
What's the difference between a burlap sack and my nutsack?

The babies in my nutsack are still living.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dvo9/whats_the_difference_between_a_burlap_sack_and_my/
%
What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dvgl/what_did_the_canibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
People used to laugh at me when I said "I want to be a comedian."

Well, nobody's laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dvbk/people_used_to_laugh_at_me_when_i_said_i_want_to/
%
A man who has been in the police force for 30 years

decides to retire. He is tired of seeing the worst of society and moves out into the wilderness, 20 miles away from the closest other human life. The only interaction with the world he has is the boy who brings him his paper and groceries twice a month. After living like this for a few years he hears a knock on his door, thinking it strange as the paper boy had come just the other week he opened it with caution to see a large, hairy man standing there. He explained to the ex-cop that he was his neighbor from 20 miles down and wished to invite him to a thanksgiving party. The cop replied "Why not, I haven't seen any other people in quite a while." The other man says to him "Now I gotta warn ya, there'll be some fightin'" the cop nodded and informed him that he had been a cop for 30 years, and it wasn't an issue. "There'll be some eatin'" the cop again tells him it won't be an issue. "There'll be some fuckin'" the cop explains he hasn't felt the touch of a woman in a while, so again no problem. With that the man begins to leave but the cop stops him, and asks him "What should I wear?" The man replies, "What does it matter? It'll just be the two of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dsie/a_man_who_has_been_in_the_police_force_for_30/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth??

A gummy bear!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dqzw/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
What's Bruce Lee's favorite car?

Kiaaaaaaaa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dlx4/whats_bruce_lees_favorite_car/
%
Trump: "If you mess with the United States...."

.....there will be hell Toupeeeeee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dkik/trump_if_you_mess_with_the_united_states/
%
Why is an aborted baby so hard to fool?

Because It wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dk5u/why_is_an_aborted_baby_so_hard_to_fool/
%
Why did everyone turn away when the race car drove past?

It had a SPOILER on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dide/why_did_everyone_turn_away_when_the_race_car/
%
A new soldier, fresh out of boot camp, is deployed to a remote base in Afghanistan.

After about a week, the young soldier is approached by his Staff Sergeant.
"Private, how is everything?" he asks.
"It's ok sir, it's just so desolate out here.  Some of the guys have been deployed here for months... there's no women anywhere... what do they do.... you know, for women?"
The Staff Sergeant motions towards the south end of the base and says "The boys have some camels tied up over there.  No one's gonna judge you out here, son."
The Private shook his head in disgust, telling himself he would never stoop that low.
A few weeks later, the Private is pent up.  He needs release.  He finally decides to join the club, so early one morning he gets up, walks over to the camels, and unties one.
He begins pumping away at the camel from behind, when the Staff Sergeant and the Major discover him.
"Private, just what in the fuck do you think you're doing?!" the Staff Sergeant asks.
"But, you said.." the Private stammers, still inside the camel.  "You said the boys have these camels tied up!"
"You idiot," the Sergeant says.  "The boys ride the camels into town to hire a prostitute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53di0c/a_new_soldier_fresh_out_of_boot_camp_is_deployed/
%
What do you call someone who is attracted to Middle Easterns?

A Hummusexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dhvo/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_attracted_to/
%
I'm tired of pre shredded cheese

Make America grate again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dhko/im_tired_of_pre_shredded_cheese/
%
A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53davz/a_coworker_told_me_i_was_a_pedophile_and_said_i/
%
A young muslim couple go out hunting and shoot a monkey

The woman asks, "Shall we eat him?"
The man replies, "No, that's haram, bae!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53dadz/a_young_muslim_couple_go_out_hunting_and_shoot_a/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 had a faulty battery and caused their house to burn down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53da3p/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
North Korea reminds me of a redhead

Because they both have no Seoul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53d9q2/north_korea_reminds_me_of_a_redhead/
%
I recently met a Chinese man

and got to know that his name was Kannaswami.
I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee.
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked 'What is your name?' He replied 'Kannaswami'.
Then she looked at me and asked 'What's your name?'
I said, 'Sem Ting'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53d67h/i_recently_met_a_chinese_man/
%
When asian people go on a merry go round...

do they become disoriented?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53d4sk/when_asian_people_go_on_a_merry_go_round/
%
My cousin is so poor....

that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53d2rb/my_cousin_is_so_poor/
%
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?

It said concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53cypo/why_did_the_blonde_stare_at_the_orange_juice/
%
I like to wipe my ass like I drive.

Stopping only on red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53cypm/i_like_to_wipe_my_ass_like_i_drive/
%
How to fall down stairs

Step 1
Step 6
Step 8, 9, 11, 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53cylw/how_to_fall_down_stairs/
%
How do gangsters receive communications?

Gmail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53cw6o/how_do_gangsters_receive_communications/
%
How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN, BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE..!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53cuxh/how_many_vietnam_veterans_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?"

Students: Eggs!
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"
Students: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Students: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ctzj/teacher_kids_what_does_the_fluffy_chicken_give_you/
%
Life is about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53cqra/life_is_about_perspective/
%
If Trump and Hillary are both drowning and you could only save one...

What type of sandwich would you make?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53cpdo/if_trump_and_hillary_are_both_drowning_and_you/
%
Porn addiction is a serious thing

I have first hand experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53clmu/porn_addiction_is_a_serious_thing/
%
Why are pills white?

Because they work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53cjie/why_are_pills_white/
%
I didn't let my st-st-stutter stop me from achieving my dream career

I'm a door-to-door salesman. I sell "No Soliciting" signs. The more I st-st-stutter the more I seem to sell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53cj8o/i_didnt_let_my_stststutter_stop_me_from_achieving/
%
I recently became a father

Is a weird way to say I just got a girlfriend and she started calling me "Daddy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53cfui/i_recently_became_a_father/
%
This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop.

I can raise my cat any way I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53cf4a/this_hating_of_people_that_breastfeed_in_public/
%
How many /r/ users does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to do it, one to complain that it has already been done before, and one to repost this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53cec7/how_many_r_users_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Children in the back seat cause accidents...

...but accidents in the back seat cause children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ccvk/children_in_the_back_seat_cause_accidents/
%
Sisters of Mercy Brothel

A man is in middle of long, boring drive when he sees a sign on the side of the road that says "Sisters of Mercy Brothel, 50 miles".
He's a little taken aback and thinks he read it wrong, and he keeps driving.
Am little while later he sees another sign, "Sister of Mercy Brothel, 10 miles".
He can't believe what he's seeing and continues his drive.
Soon he sees the sign with an arrow "Sisters of Mercy Brothel".
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls over into the parking lot.
On the door there's a sign "Enter, my child", so he goes inside and follows a long, winding, dark pathway until he reaches another door with a basket in front of it.
Above the basket it says "Drop $100 in the basket and enter".
Now excited, the man drops his $100 and opens the door.
The door slams shut behind him and he finds himself back in the parking lot next to a sign...
"You've just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy. Go in Peace".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53cctb/sisters_of_mercy_brothel/
%
What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game?

Mein Kraft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ccn1/whats_adolf_hitlers_favourite_computer_game/
%
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53cayz/what_do_you_call_a_vegetarian_with_diarrhea/
%
If two vegans are arguing

Is it still called beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53c9yn/if_two_vegans_are_arguing/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53c9kc/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
Did you know light travels faster than sound?

That's why some people appear bright (until you hear them talk).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53c876/did_you_know_light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
I'm so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality.

"Hi, so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality, I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53c7z1/im_so_upset_that_all_the_dad_jokes_on_this_sub/
%
The other morning my Mom came downstairs wearing nothing but a very suggestive nightgown.

When I asked, she said it was a Freudian slip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53c7s5/the_other_morning_my_mom_came_downstairs_wearing/
%
How do you communicate with a fish?

Drop him a line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53c7lv/how_do_you_communicate_with_a_fish/
%
Mama's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together.
They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother who moved to Florida .
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.  I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.
She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. That chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."
Love, Mama

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53c7l6/mamas_bible/
%
Why can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone?

Because eventually, its cover would be blown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53c70g/why_cant_a_samsung_be_disguised_as_an_iphone/
%
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53c6xq/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
%
A man comes home one night with a duck under his arm.

He walks up to his wife and says "Look at the pig I've been fucking."
She replies "That's a duck you moron!"
The man says "I wasn't talking to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53c2cm/a_man_comes_home_one_night_with_a_duck_under_his/
%
Why is the all-lisp percussion section so quiet?

Because thimbles aren't very loud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53c1ka/why_is_the_alllisp_percussion_section_so_quiet/
%
I'm living in a rough neighbourhood...

Some thug tore the front and back pages of my dictionary out!
It just goes from Bad to Worse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53c1dv/im_living_in_a_rough_neighbourhood/
%
Why are ophans no good at baseball?

They dont know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53c14b/why_are_ophans_no_good_at_baseball/
%
a guy's wife died

so in her memory, every month, he takes half of his paycheck and throws in in the trash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53c02y/a_guys_wife_died/
%
I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie....

Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?"
"Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53bucz/i_spent_some_quality_time_with_my_5year_old/
%
Me? Racist?

No way! Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53bu2c/me_racist/
%
I used to think my brain was the most important part of my body

Then I thought, look who's telling me that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53btrj/i_used_to_think_my_brain_was_the_most_important/
%
The secretary keeps hearing music coming from the printer...

I think the paper is jamming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53bss7/the_secretary_keeps_hearing_music_coming_from_the/
%
I could see my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load last night...

I could see it in her eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53brr2/i_could_see_my_girlfriend_was_furious_when_i_blew/
%
A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned ☝her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53bqmt/a_women_is_out_golfing_and_finds_a_frog_trapped/
%
Whats the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew

Harry made it out of the chamber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53bpei/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_a/
%
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already...

Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?
Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53bp6v/his_palms_are_sweaty_knees_weak_arms_are_heavy/
%
I found a large collection of /r/jokes and I copied the best ones. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold...

01) great
02) great
03) great
04) great
05) great
06) great
07) great
08) great
09) great
10) great
11) fucking gold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53boz4/i_found_a_large_collection_of_rjokes_and_i_copied/
%
Did you know...

3/2 of the world's population sucks at fractions?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53boc4/did_you_know/
%
I will work for Apple

But I take bananas too. Or just any food. Please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53bmu0/i_will_work_for_apple/
%
What's a paedophile's favourite musical scale?

A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53bka3/whats_a_paedophiles_favourite_musical_scale/
%
What's grey and comes in pints?

An Elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53bjvl/whats_grey_and_comes_in_pints/
%
A man collapses in a busy street.

Someome from the crowd shouts "Somebody call him an ambulance!"
Suddenly, another voice calls out "You're an ambulance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53bflw/a_man_collapses_in_a_busy_street/
%
How much does it cost to kill Tony Stark's parents?

Just one buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53bfjh/how_much_does_it_cost_to_kill_tony_starks_parents/
%
What's the difference between a drummer and a toilet?

The toilet only has to take shit from one asshole at a time. . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53b9tu/whats_the_difference_between_a_drummer_and_a/
%
country drive

One day, a man was driving down the road in the country.
He looks over and sees a cute little pig in the field. He pulls over and picks up the pig.
He is driving around town and a cop sees him and pulls him over.
Cop says, "What are you doing with that pig in the car?"
Driver says, "Well I just founs the pig down the road in the field."
Cop says, "I want you to take that pig to the zoo.!"
Driver says, "Well alright"
Cop says, "I mean it, you take that pig to the zoo"
So the next day, guy is driving around town and he still has the pig in the car and the cop sees him and pulls him over again and says, "Hey, what are you doing! I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!"
Driver says, "Well I did take rhe pig to the zoo! We had such a good time, we are going to the ball game now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53b9fj/country_drive/
%
I found the rulebook for an old card game at my grandfather's house.

"Draw a card, if it's black, take a shot."
Oh wait, that's just the LAPD guidebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53b70f/i_found_the_rulebook_for_an_old_card_game_at_my/
%
A world without women......

Is a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53b5hl/a_world_without_women/
%
A man brought his son to a grocery store...

A man brought his son to a grocery store, but as soon as they walked in the store the young child began to throw a temper tantrum. While they went down each aisle the child would yell, throw items in and out of the cart, and overall just be an annoyance.
Despite the scene his son was causing, the father was cool and collected, slowly and calmly saying, "Don't worry, Donald. It'll be alright, Donald, we'll be home soon."
A nearby mother was very impressed with the father's self control, and wanted to express her gratitude for such calm parenting. "Sir, I'm amazed that you are able to be so calm! It's not every day I see such patient and gracious parenting. Now little guy, what seems to be the problem, Donald?"
"Oh no, ma'am, you're mistaken!" The father interjected, "This is my son, Henry. I'm Donald!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53b3v7/a_man_brought_his_son_to_a_grocery_store/
%
I think my neighbor is stalking me through her computer, because I've seen her google my name.

I'm certain I saw it on my telescope last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53b3pk/i_think_my_neighbor_is_stalking_me_through_her/
%
I hate Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53b07y/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking his balls...

One of them says, "man, I wish I could do that!"
The other says, "well, maybe you should pet him first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53azx4/two_guys_are_walking_down_the_street_and_see_a/
%
Where did this concept of kidnappers using white vans come from?

I mean, I just use my Prius, stop being so stereotypical, jeez.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53azok/where_did_this_concept_of_kidnappers_using_white/
%
What's the difference between a decrepit rickety bus and the Egyptian god of death?

One is an old bus and the other is Anubis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53axej/whats_the_difference_between_a_decrepit_rickety/
%
What do you call Nicki Minaj's buttcrack?

Silicone Valley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53axay/what_do_you_call_nicki_minajs_buttcrack/
%
Two paedophiles are waiting at a bus stop when an 8 year old girl walks past...

One says to the other, "I bet she was a looker in her day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53avxv/two_paedophiles_are_waiting_at_a_bus_stop_when_an/
%
Two muffins are in a tin in the oven.

One says to the other, "man it's hot in here."
The other says, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53avxu/two_muffins_are_in_a_tin_in_the_oven/
%
A man's baby was born while he was at work...

As soon as he gets out, he rushes to the hospital to see his son.
On the first floor, he sees a sign which says "here's where gorgeous babies are". He asks the doctor "Is my baby, Gerald, here?" and the doctor says "no, try next floor".
On the second floor, he sees a sign which says "here's where average babies are". He asks the doctor "Is my baby, Gerald, here?" and the doctor says "no, try next floor".
On the third floor, he sees a sign which says "here's where ugly babies are". He asks the doctor "Is my baby, Gerald, here?" and the doctor says "no, try next floor".
On the fourth floor, he sees a sign which says "here's where hideous babies are". He asks the doctor "Is my baby, Gerald, here?" and the doctor says "no, try next floor".
The man, pissed off, goes to the fifth floor. There, he sees a sign which says "here's where Gerald is".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ar7o/a_mans_baby_was_born_while_he_was_at_work/
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What do Reddit Users and Olive Oil have in common?

They're both extra virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ar30/what_do_reddit_users_and_olive_oil_have_in_common/
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What do you call a former member of ISIS?

WASWAS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53akq2/what_do_you_call_a_former_member_of_isis/
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I'm not fucking stupid.

I mean, I was, but we broke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53aguo/im_not_fucking_stupid/
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How does a coat steal something?

They jacket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53agjs/how_does_a_coat_steal_something/
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A man's wife gave birth while he was on a business trip.

The doctor called and asked, "Did you know you were having quintuplets?"
"I'm not surprised," the man replied, "I've got a dick like a stovepipe!"
"You should probably get it cleaned then," said the doctor, "because they're all black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53ae5g/a_mans_wife_gave_birth_while_he_was_on_a_business/
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A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53aayk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_3_pieces_of_meat/
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I'm in a complex relationship

My girlfriend is imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53aa5s/im_in_a_complex_relationship/
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What do you call a angry french relative

A crossaunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53aa3x/what_do_you_call_a_angry_french_relative/
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What is nine inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night?

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53a9cf/what_is_nine_inches_long_and_keeps_a_woman_up/
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Why did the janitor get fired from the bank?

Because he cleaned out the vault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53a7zy/why_did_the_janitor_get_fired_from_the_bank/
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What pokemon does South America have that other continents don't?

Zikachu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53a2za/what_pokemon_does_south_america_have_that_other/
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Roses are red..

I'm in debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53a077/roses_are_red/
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What's the difference between a hungry girl and a horny girl?

Where she puts the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/539zte/whats_the_difference_between_a_hungry_girl_and_a/
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Where does Stevie Wonder park his car?

In blind spots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/539yaa/where_does_stevie_wonder_park_his_car/
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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center...

... where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/539wqk/airman_jones_was_assigned_to_the_induction_center/
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Did you know that I hold the World's Record for the smallest penis?

It's really hard to beat...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/539p1o/did_you_know_that_i_hold_the_worlds_record_for/
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Sometimes you have to choose between what is hard and what is easy

Luckily for you I'm both right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/539osa/sometimes_you_have_to_choose_between_what_is_hard/
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The Cheerio Joke

On a planet called Cheeriolia, the population is divided into three societal classes: Cheerios are the lower class, Applejacks are in the middle, and Fruit Loops are the wealthy elite. One cannot intermarry between classes, unfortunately, and discrimination is rampant between them. An authoritarian government keeps very close tabs on individual classes and poverty lines criss-cross through big cities. Cheerios are doomed to a certain limit of wealth, Applejacks cannot earn more than Fruit Loops, and Fruit Loops must pay even heavier taxes. Life is difficult, and each class has its own unique complaints with the way they are forced to live.
A Cheerio named Joe worked at a local Wal-Mart as a cashier, a position he had held for years because his boss is a penny-pinching Applejack. One day, he was bagging groceries for a fellow Cheerio when a Fruit Loop walked through the door, frantically darting her eyes around, panting. She ran down a couple isles, found what she was looking for, and hurried to the check-out area. The Fruit Loop had jumped into the same express lane that Joe was manning. Even though the line was moving quickly, it was an especially busy day and there were quite a few people in the queue. She exclaimed,
“Won’t this line move any faster?”
The Cheerio in front of her shook his head and chuckled to himself. The Fruit Loop didn’t notice. She stood with her one item tucked under her arm, glaring at the rest of the line. Five minutes later, she was at the line’s head. Joe looked at her, in awe of her beauty. She was, perhaps, the most beautiful Fruit Loop he had ever seen. His mouth fell open as she said,
“I don’t usually shop here…”
Her pejorative comment had no effect on Joe, who still could not believe his eyes. The Fruit Loop had to snap her fingers in Joe’s face for him to finally take her credit card. She paid and left, but Joe could not stop thinking about her. He resolved to find out who she was and make her fall in love with him. There was only one problem: he was a Cheerio, and she was a Fruit Loop—even if she *did* love him, it was against the law for them to marry. Still, the thought of love and marriage was hopeful, and it occupied his mind for the next two years.
During those next two years, Joe never stopped thinking about the beautiful Fruit Loop. He worked as hard as he could, bought a chin-up bar to hand in the doorway of his tiny apartment, and subscribed to a gym membership. Joe lost some weight, started running in the mornings, and let his beard grow out. One day, much to his surprise, he awoke to a brand-new, hot-pink body that smelled very sweetly of apples. He had made the jump from Cheerio to Applejack!
That morning, Joe walked through the doors of the Wal-Mart and his co-workers stared at him, with their mouths agape. He continued working as a cashier, but one day the CEO of Wal-Mart fired Joe’s boss and promoted him to manager at the request of his co-workers, who knew his humble nature and diligence would help their local Wal-Mart. He doubled their pay, and even helped stock shelves when he had nothing else to do.
A few months passed, and Joe still worked out after the workday ended, but he became very lonely. The beautiful Fruit Loop still was all he thought about, so he devoted even more of his time to work and committed himself to physical fitness. In his deluded aspirations, he sought to win the heart of the Fruit Loop without even knowing her name.
Just as his hope was running low, the same Fruit Loop entered the Wal-Mart, again looking very rushed, and ran down the aisle frantically looking for another item. As she was running around a corner, she ran into Joe, who was carrying a stack of boxes. They collapsed onto the floor. The Fruit Loop began to shout obscenities as Joe helped her up.
“Sorry, miss.”
She sighed.
“No, I’m sorry. I ran into you. I should have been watching.”
“I’m Joe.”
His voice quivered slightly, and he held out his hand.
“Vanessa.”
Joe led Vanessa to the cashiers, where he let his Cheerio employee go on break so he could check Vanessa out. He took a good look at her, and it was as if not a day had passed since he had seen her last. The only difference now was that he was a jacked-up Applejack who felt much closer to winning Vanessa’s heart. She took her item and left once again. Thoughts of marrying Vanessa didn’t leave his mind for three more years.
In those three years, Joe committed every waking moment to physical fitness. He was promoted at work and given authority over all the Wal-Marts in the tri-state area. Joe was still kind to his employees and gave them high salaries, but the economy was booming and he earned quite a bit of money without working very long hours. He attended some formal parties for Wal-Mart executive Fruit Loops and saw they way they lived, so luxuriously. Joe envied it. But all his wishes and hopes relied on his body and what he was made of. He did not lose hope. And one day, much to Joe’s glee, he awoke to a brand-new, sugar-coated, bright blue body. He was finally a Fruit Loop!
That morning, Joe walked from his penthouse flat to the office and, like he usually did, ran up the stairs. All the cubicles were full when he entered, and everyone peered over to get a look at his new body. All the Applejacks in accounting were amazed, all the Applejacks in IT were amazed, and all the Applejacks in administration were amazed. His boss, the Fruit Loop directly under the CEO, took notice quickly and put in a good word with the CFO, who put in an even better word with the CEO. Both thought very highly of Joe and both thought he would make the perfect CEO one day. No-one knew that the CFO was sleeping with the CEO’s wife, however, and when the CEO found out, he delved so deep into alcohol that the board of trustees voted to let him go and replace him with Joe.
One day, Joe was walking down the street to the office when he passed Vanessa. She had not aged one day in the last three years, and he immediately stopped to reintroduce himself. Vanessa was surprised it was Joe, because she remembered him to be a mere Applejack, but she did remember him nonetheless. He asked her out for some drinks later that night, and she agreed.
Later that night, they met at a bar and got to talking. Joe discovered that Vanessa, despite her goddess-like beauty, had never been married and had only dated a couple other Fruit Loops. He was just as surprised when Vanessa said that she was interested in dating himself. Joe replied with a definite “yes” without hesitation. His dream had come true; now he was to only win her heart. When Joe got home that night, he put himself through the most strenuous workout he had ever done and fell asleep immediately after he had done his last deadlift.
Vanessa and Joe dated for eight months. Then, one day, on the terrace of his penthouse overlooking the harbor, Joe asked her to marry him. Vanessa screamed “yes!”
Over the next eight years, Joe and Vanessa were faithful to each other. They had three healthy, beautiful children, and Joe continued working as the CEO of Wal-Mart. The company flourished and Joe was able to buy a large mansion out in the country where he hoped to raise his children. He kept the penthouse in the city in case he had to work late, but most of the time he was able to drive home and read his kids their bedtime stories. Vanessa never aged a day, and Joe loved her with all his heart. He had finally fulfilled his dream, and life was good.
One day, Joe was finished with an important meeting and decided to clock out and drive home to surprise his children. He had forgotten what time the school day ended and arrived in the early afternoon at his mansion. A sleek, black sedan was in the driveway, and Joe didn’t know whose it was. He cracked open the front door slowly, and went straight to the bedroom without calling his wife’s name. Joe had a terrible feeling in his stomach. He threw the door to the master bedroom wide open and saw Vanessa in bed with the old CFO. He screamed obscenities at him and threw him out of his house. Vanessa tried to explain that it meant nothing, that she still loved him, but Joe would have none of it. He packed a bag, booked a plane ticket, called the office saying that he was taking a brief leave of absence, and drove to the airport, distraught.
He boarded a plane destined for Hawai’i and watched as his home grew smaller and smaller in the distance. Joe decided he would stay in Hawai’i for a week to get his head straight and figure out what to do. When the plane arrived the next day, Joe found a five-star hotel right next to the beach. The view was lovely, and every morning before the sun was at its hottest, he would walk along the waves and think about his life. He was troubled, but at the same time he was proud of himself and what he had made of himself. Joe wasn’t sure what to do.
One morning, he passed a young, beautiful woman walking the other way. She was a Fruit Loop, like himself, and though she was not as pretty as Vanessa, she was still breathtaking. Joe stopped, introduced himself, and offered to take her up to a favorite bar by the beach for some fruit juice. The Fruit Loop said her name was Merlot and that she, too, was on vacation. They had a few drinks and talked all afternoon; they told each other their darkest secrets and, by sunset, Joe felt like he knew Merlot better than he had ever known his wife. As the moon was rising, they kissed under the stars, and Joe took Merlot back to his hotel room.
The next day, they both walked along the water. The passed the same bar they had stopped at the day before, and a sign hung in the window:
“We’re closed for the Juice Festival on 3rd Street.”
The couple was puzzled, so the walked hand in hand to the location the sign specified. A large, frightening bouncer-Applejack stood in the doorway, so Joe gave him a tip and he let them in. The party inside was loud and exciting. Along the far wall, rows and rows of booths surrounded a buffet line. The music playing was so catchy, however, that Merlot dragged Joe onto the dancefloor. Hours passed, and they were soon tired. Looking for a place to sit, the picked a booth. They kissed again. Joe felt like a new breakfast cereal.
Smells coming from the buffet were so enticing that they had to try a little of everything. They stood in line and chatted up some of the other vacationers who were there for the food and drink. Soon, all the salty food had rendered them both very thirsty. When Joe offered to go find the line for the juice they had seen advertised, he stood between the islands of food and looked around. He didn’t see any juice. There was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/539kwp/the_cheerio_joke/
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I'm beginning to suspect I might have bad posture

call it a hunch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/539ibl/im_beginning_to_suspect_i_might_have_bad_posture/
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My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like

Watt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/539d6n/my_friend_told_me_how_electricity_is_measured_and/
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They read them up side down

Why don't bats enjoy r/jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/539clb/they_read_them_up_side_down/
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[Long] A story of how two wooden planks became best friends

Once upon a time, there were 2 wooden planks. The first one was named Chad, the second was named Carter. Chad hated Carter, and Carter hated Chad even more! One day, Chad was in a bar, drinking a tequila. Carter, drunk, came over to Chad and punched him as hard as a wooden plank could. Chad got angry and retaliated, kicking Carter in the face. They got into a bloody and violent bar fight. They both got arrested. They were sentenced to 8 months in jail, and a hefty fine for damages done to the bar. While in jail, Carter and Chad found that they had many similarities, and soon became best friends in jail. When they got out, they decided to start a business together.
3 years later, Chad and Carter's Hardware store was very successful and they were making tons of money. But, one day, they realized that one of their suppliers had stopped shipping them products! And this wasn't even the first time that they have done this! The 2 wooden planks got very angry, and decided to go give the owner of the factory a piece of their mind. They went over to the factory, which was called, "Plank and Nail Industries." Chad thought that this name was a bit creepy. They entered the factory, and saw a quite normal looking lobby, with a quite normal looking wooden plank at the counter. "Hey", Chad said. "We would like to speak with your piece of trash manager." The clerk gave them a weird look, but picked up his phone nonetheless and called him. "Please wait 5 minutes while he comes down," he said. So they waited. The owner didn't come. "Where is he?" Carter said. "He is a very busy man," the clerk replied. They waited half an hour. Then 2 hours. Eventually even the clerk seemed very confused. 4 hours later, an angry Chad shouted, "Where is he!?" The clerk replied "I am really not sure. Please just wait a few more minutes." Chad sighed, and then looked to Carter. "How are you feeling?" Carter smacked his lips and said,
"I'm board"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53988n/long_a_story_of_how_two_wooden_planks_became_best/
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5397la/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
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Cooking is actually really easy for anyone to do

It's just that most people don't have thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5393ko/cooking_is_actually_really_easy_for_anyone_to_do/
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A blonde teenager wanting to earn some extra money...

A blonde  teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire  herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started  canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the  first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to  do.
"Well, I guess I  could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge  me?"
Delighted, the  girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch  goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished  already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5392dd/a_blonde_teenager_wanting_to_earn_some_extra_money/
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I decided to replace my belt with multiple watches connected together.

It was a big waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5390gy/i_decided_to_replace_my_belt_with_multiple/
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How can you tell you are dealing with an extroverted engineer?

He's staring at somebody else's shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/539064/how_can_you_tell_you_are_dealing_with_an/
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What do the final scene of titanic and the iPhone 7 have in common?

They both could've fit the jack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538xtj/what_do_the_final_scene_of_titanic_and_the_iphone/
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What do you say to an overworked clothing maker?

You seamstressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538wkv/what_do_you_say_to_an_overworked_clothing_maker/
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A boy is selling fish at the local intersection in town...

"Dam fish! Get your dam fish here!", the boy shouts.
A priest walks by, totally confused, so he decides to ask the boy what the problem is.
"Son, why are you calling them 'damn fish"? What did they do to you?"
"I caught these fish at the local dam, so I'm selling them as dam fish!", he replies.
"Oh, now that makes sense!", says the priest. "I'll take two then!"
Later that night the priest gets home, slams the two fish down on the counter and tells his wife to "cook the dam fish".
"I didn't know it was appropriate for a priest to speak like that.", says his wife.
The priest explains to his wife that they were caught at the local damn. "Oh, okay then!", she says, and proceeds to cook the fish for dinner.
Later that night at dinner, the priest, his wife, and son are sitting around the dinner table. The priest says to his son, "Son, pass the dam fish."
Son: "That's the spirit dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538w72/a_boy_is_selling_fish_at_the_local_intersection/
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What did one snowman say to the other?

"Weird...I smell carrots, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538vf8/what_did_one_snowman_say_to_the_other/
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What are caterpillars afraid of?

Doggerpillars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538vbx/what_are_caterpillars_afraid_of/
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"We choose to go to the moon not because it is easy...

...but because it is cheesy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538usi/we_choose_to_go_to_the_moon_not_because_it_is_easy/
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How do you keep an erection?

Don't fuck with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538urc/how_do_you_keep_an_erection/
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I lost my watch at a party once

Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538tn4/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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To this day I remember the time my mom forgot to pick me up from school. The school was already empty, only the janitors were left. I cried but they gave me milk and cookies and told me that everything will be all right.

Worst high school experience ever...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538thd/to_this_day_i_remember_the_time_my_mom_forgot_to/
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I made a new mixtape, it was trash

Until I played it on my new galaxy note 7, then it was fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538rvy/i_made_a_new_mixtape_it_was_trash/
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Why are gingers' feet so rough?

Because they have no soles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538q8h/why_are_gingers_feet_so_rough/
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So a deaf girl hit on me today...

It was a sign

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538o2h/so_a_deaf_girl_hit_on_me_today/
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Why do people like Hillary Clinton?

When she can't even stand herself?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538lbk/why_do_people_like_hillary_clinton/
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Bill Cosby awarded another honorary degree from Boston University,

this time is was Anesthesiology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538kch/bill_cosby_awarded_another_honorary_degree_from/
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What happens when you shoot a black man?

You go to jail for impersonating a police officer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538im1/what_happens_when_you_shoot_a_black_man/
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Moscow cops

Did you hear the one about why Moscow cops patrol in threes?
One who can read, one who can write, and another to keep an eye on the other two "dangerous intellectuals".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538giv/moscow_cops/
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Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538f3y/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_the_usa/
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Best bar ever

Three friends are having beers and start comparing the greatest bars.
The first says "I once went to a bar where they gave you a free beer for each beer you buy."
The next says "That's nothing, I once went to a bar where they gave a free beer and a free shot for each beer you buy."
The last guy says "Well I've heard of a bar where they let you drink as much as you want for free and then take you in the back room and get you laid."
"Wow," the first friend responds, "you've actually been to this bar?"
The third guy answers "I haven't... but my sister has."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538e3t/best_bar_ever/
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GASSY GRANNY

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538dln/gassy_granny/
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Two military men walk into a bathroom...

One from the Army. One from the Marines. They both go pee, and finish around the same time.  But only the Marine goes to the sink to wash his hands. Just before the Army guy left, the Marine stopped him and said: "Hey, aren't you going to wash your hands? In the Marines, we were taught to wash our hands after pissing."  The Army guy laughed, "Well, in the Army, we were taught not to piss on ours." Then, he left.
(a favorite joke from my Uncle (Army - MSG).  Had to share. RIP)
*This is a joke, and in no way reflects my opinion of any branch of the US military...I love and appreciate all of you*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538cla/two_military_men_walk_into_a_bathroom/
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What do you call 'looking for a Korean'?

Seoul searching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538b68/what_do_you_call_looking_for_a_korean/
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I've got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.

I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5387gq/ive_got_two_kids_jane_and_emma_they_get_bullied/
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So a neutron walks into a bar...

...And he asks the bartender "How much for a drink?"
The bartender replies, "For you? Free of charge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5385b5/so_a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
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How does Moses get his tea ready?

Hebrews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5383wo/how_does_moses_get_his_tea_ready/
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Three buddies watching Sunday night football.

An ant, a spider, and a centipede are watching Sunday night football together at the ants’ house. The ant notices their beer supply is running low, so being a good host he tells his buddies he is going to run to the beer store to get more. While the ant was heading out the centipede stops him and says “hey let me go and get the beer, I will be much faster than you, I have more legs, I’m built for speed” the ant thought this guy is too full of himself but lets him go get the beer anyways. It then started to rain, an hour & half passes, the spider and the ant got worried because the centipede has been gone far too long now. The spider tells the ant “ok I will go out and see if I can find him.” The spider puts on his shoes, grabs an umbrella and starts to head out. When the spider opens the door, surprisingly there is the centipede at the front door. “Hey man, what took you so long? Where’s the beer?”  Centipede looks up and responds “huh! I haven’t even finished putting on all my shoes yet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538130/three_buddies_watching_sunday_night_football/
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An old man asks his doctor for a half dose of Viagra

Doc: I'm afraid that a half dose won't quite be enough
Old man: Oh I don't want a full erection. I just want a little lift so I stop peeing on my shoes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/538076/an_old_man_asks_his_doctor_for_a_half_dose_of/
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My brother is so dumb.

He was complaining about jockeys squeezing his balls. I told him to try boxers. He came back and said, no their hands are too rough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537yma/my_brother_is_so_dumb/
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we don't want to have children anymore

Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537xz5/we_dont_want_to_have_children_anymore/
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Donald Duck wanted a divorce for Daisy

His lawyer tells Donald, "I am sorry, but you can't divorce Daisy just because she is insane."
Donald replies, "I never said she was insane. I said that she was fucking Goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537wzu/donald_duck_wanted_a_divorce_for_daisy/
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What's the same about an election and an erection?

They're only one letter different, and both are about a dick rising to power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537wn7/whats_the_same_about_an_election_and_an_erection/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537wat/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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A man asks a farmer near a field

, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537w1y/a_man_asks_a_farmer_near_a_field/
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What did Achilles say when he got hit by an arrow?

Aww heel no!
Kill me right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537u0b/what_did_achilles_say_when_he_got_hit_by_an_arrow/
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A boy comes home after school one day

. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face.
She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?”
“Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!”
The mother is stunned. “You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.”
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch.
Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”
“That’s right, Dad.”
“Well, you became a man today—this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.”
“That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537tii/a_boy_comes_home_after_school_one_day/
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A guy comes home one day to find his girlfriend packing her stuff.

"Where the hell do you think you're going!?"
She replies "I know all about you! You're a paedophile!"
He says "Ooooh! Big word for an eight year old!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537tfk/a_guy_comes_home_one_day_to_find_his_girlfriend/
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NSFW Squirting

"Squirting isn't a real thing is it, it's just pee, right?"
Interviewer: "I meant questions about the job".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537sba/nsfw_squirting/
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How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why does it have to be a group activity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537nmx/how_many_introverts_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..

So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?"   "Well, if he was black, he would've answered,  'I is what I is.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537kcz/two_kids_were_wondering_if_god_is_black_or_white/
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The Glue Truck

A truck owned by a commercial glue company is driving through London when it accidentally collides with a lamp post, causing it to swerve out of control and flip on its side. During this collision, the tank holding the glue explodes and 1000kg of glue falls upon a poor pedestrian. He's firmly stuck to the road.
A crowd gathers around the helpless pedestrian, all wanting a look at the man and thinking about how to help him, although he's in a sticky situation that looks quite inescapable.
The 1000kg of glue is taking its toll on the mans body and he manages to squeak out the words "please... I don't think I have long left.". The crowd looks shocked when another man decides to take action and shouts "Everyone quiet! Now please, is anyone here a fireman, a body builder, an engineer, anything that could help this poor man?"
At just this moment the crowd parts like the Red Sea, as a young women crawls through to the front where the man is stuck to the floor.
"Madam, can you or do you know of any way to help this man?"
After a long minute of panting the women finally opens her mouth.
"No... I just wanted to say I'm also glue-tonne intolerant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537fxk/the_glue_truck/
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It's not possible to have a 12 inch penis...

because then it would be considered a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537fg1/its_not_possible_to_have_a_12_inch_penis/
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What super hero league would Caitlyn Jenner be a member of?

The X men!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537e7m/what_super_hero_league_would_caitlyn_jenner_be_a/
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How come I didn't get upset when the Indian restaurant got my order wrong?

It was a Naan issue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537c5f/how_come_i_didnt_get_upset_when_the_indian/
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Women are like magnets...

I have no clue how they work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/537bhn/women_are_like_magnets/
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How do you save a pirate's life?

C P Arrr!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53784h/how_do_you_save_a_pirates_life/
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So, a penguin is driving down the road...

So, a penguin is driving down the road in his truck. His truck starts to sputter, so he pulls into a town and finds a mechanic shop. The mechanic says, "Well Mr. Penguin you should go downtown and get something to eat while I see what is wrong with your truck here."
"Great idea!" says Mr. Penguin, "I am famished."
So, the penguin starts walking do- well, waddling down town, and he sees an ice cream shop. Everyone knows that penguins fuckin' love ice cream so he orders an ice cream cone. He starts to eat it, but it gets all over his beak and face, because he doesn't have any opposable thumbs, he is a penguin.
He starts to wal- ddle back to the mechanic shop. The mechanic, who is just finishing up, rolls out from under the truck and says to the penguin, "Well Mr. Penguin, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin shrugs and replies, "Nah, that is just a bit of ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5376hk/so_a_penguin_is_driving_down_the_road/
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The difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler.

Usain Bolt managed to finish a race while Hitler couldn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5376ds/the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
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People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it.

I've never had a beef with one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5376co/people_make_such_a_big_deal_about_vegans_but_i/
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I keep making jokes about my dads new Thai bride. He's getting pretty sick of them.

My dads getting sick of them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5374io/i_keep_making_jokes_about_my_dads_new_thai_bride/
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Keep away from professional dermatologists..

They make rash decisions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53726m/keep_away_from_professional_dermatologists/
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"Bite me, asshole"

- grammatically correct and scathing
"Bite me asshole" - kinky pirate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53709n/bite_me_asshole/
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Cheaper Pub in the World

Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;
"That will be $0.05 please sir".
"Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too"
"Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir".
"Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps".
"0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together".
"This is astonishing, can I speak to the owner of this place, I'd like to thank him".
"Oh, not just now, he is busy, he is upstairs with my wife".
"...What is he doing upstairs with your wife?"
"Same thing I am doing down here with his business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536xmy/cheaper_pub_in_the_world/
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A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said
He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''
Monday passed & he didn't see her....
Tuesday he didn't see her...
and Wednesday passed too...
On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536u0t/a_husband_came_home_late_at_night_from_the_office/
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TIL that the term "A stroke of luck" has more than one meaning-

-when my fortune teller gave me a handjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536tfa/til_that_the_term_a_stroke_of_luck_has_more_than/
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My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs.

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536sat/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_oasis_songs/
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Whats the difference between a woman and a floppy drive?

A Floppy Drive can only take 3.5" Inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536qr5/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a_floppy/
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Girls always think I'm ugly until they see what's in my bank account

Then they think I'm ugly AND poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536ptv/girls_always_think_im_ugly_until_they_see_whats/
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Hidden desire

A girl at a bus stop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation went to him and said ” you look cute.. I like you.”…. The man out of shock simply placed his hand on her shoulder and said “My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Pls go home and study hard so that you can have a successful life.”
He then placed a piece of paper on her hand and said ” I have written some words of wisdom and bible verses for you. Read them before you go to sleep.” And then he walked away.
The girl went back to her hostel in shame and before she slept she opened up the paper and read thus: “Are you blind? My wife was standing behind me. Any way, this is my number. Call me anytime…… By the way, I like you too!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536pdh/hidden_desire/
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Statistics show that six out of seven dwarfs...

...aren't happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536mfp/statistics_show_that_six_out_of_seven_dwarfs/
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It must be pretty bad being the wife of a suicide bomber...

Because if they come home after work, they've had a bad day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536h4x/it_must_be_pretty_bad_being_the_wife_of_a_suicide/
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Baby you are like a white dwarf star....

Extremely hot but not very bright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536fjp/baby_you_are_like_a_white_dwarf_star/
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When’s the worst time to eat candy?

When she’s on her period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536drs/whens_the_worst_time_to_eat_candy/
%
I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami.

I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee.
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".
Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536cvs/i_recently_met_a_chinese_man_and_his_name_was/
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What do T-Rex's do for a living?

They're small arms dealers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536co5/what_do_trexs_do_for_a_living/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536c73/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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"It was a misunderstanding, your honor" says a man who is in court for indecent exposure.

"Explain the statement," the judge demanded. "Well you see this girl and I were drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman --- so I showed her"
- Got this one from my uncle, never heard it before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536b9y/it_was_a_misunderstanding_your_honor_says_a_man/
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You were so beautiful,

until your 30 day trial of photoshop ended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536ahv/you_were_so_beautiful/
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If my Sky Internet gets any slower

by the time this video has downloaded the girl in it will be legal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536act/if_my_sky_internet_gets_any_slower/
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You don't have to be good at anagrams

to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5369x5/you_dont_have_to_be_good_at_anagrams/
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As a man of Jewish descent

I don't like jokes about us Jews.
I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
But every now and then even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.
So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here if anyone wants to buy it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5369m0/as_a_man_of_jewish_descent/
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If my girlfriend was a Pokemon her name would be......

Vulva-sore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53693g/if_my_girlfriend_was_a_pokemon_her_name_would_be/
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What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Dubai doesn't like the Flintstones but Abu Dhabidoooooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/536309/what_is_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
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I came home and noticed my dishwasher was missing

So I asked my kids what happened. Apparently she left me 3 days ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/535zdp/i_came_home_and_noticed_my_dishwasher_was_missing/
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I was in a bank yesterday and all the money just floated out the door by itself.

It was a polterheist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/535yjg/i_was_in_a_bank_yesterday_and_all_the_money_just/
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What does a sick billionaire say?

"I feel like a million bucks"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/535yf3/what_does_a_sick_billionaire_say/
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How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer?

The power is on and you're connected to the internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/535t35/how_can_you_tell_when_the_nsa_is_monitoring_your/
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Will Glass Coffins Be A Success?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/535sia/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
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Why can Kylie Jenner see right through Caitlin?

She's trans-parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/535psn/why_can_kylie_jenner_see_right_through_caitlin/
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How does a Marxist jack off?

By seizing the means of reproduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/535p4q/how_does_a_marxist_jack_off/
%
What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer?

Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/535kcq/whats_the_most_frustrating_part_about_being_a/
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What was Michael Jackson's favourite musical key?

A Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/535jsa/what_was_michael_jacksons_favourite_musical_key/
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What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/535j5q/what_does_a_girl_want_more_than_anything_in_the/
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During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/535i65/during_a_job_interview_yestarday_i_poured_some/
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I like my women how I like my coffee

Without a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/535glp/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Today I'm cancer free!

And all the days before that, but it still counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/535exh/today_im_cancer_free/
%
How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/535a2y/how_many_super_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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So I Organized a three-way last night...

There was a couple of no-shows, but overall, it worked out fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5359f6/so_i_organized_a_threeway_last_night/
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You're not able to watch porn on the iPhone7..

Yeah, they took the jack off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5352pl/youre_not_able_to_watch_porn_on_the_iphone7/
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A horse walks into a bar

The bartender asks "Why the long face?". The horse, incapable of understanding the human language promptly shits on the floor and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/534ye6/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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A Polish guy went to check his vision...

**Doctor asked** - *can you read any of those letters? read it for* me.
The eye test chart: C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z
**Polish guy** - *Oh god, I know that guy!!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/534y43/a_polish_guy_went_to_check_his_vision/
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My friend lives in Colorado and told me he wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm.

I told him it wasn't a good idea. The steaks would be too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/534xea/my_friend_lives_in_colorado_and_told_me_he_wanted/
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A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death, when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager, runs out to shut the horse off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/534vx2/a_blonde_decides_to_learn_and_try_horse_back/
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I was in the gym.

"1,2,3,4," counted my personal trainer, as I panted.
"Come on," he added, "Now we've got you down the stairs, we can do a workout!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/534u5x/i_was_in_the_gym/
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What did the Duck say to the Prostitute?

"Put it on my bill"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/534r6z/what_did_the_duck_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
Two guys are watching a dog lick his dick...

and one guy says to the other, "Man, I wish I could do that."
So the other guy says, "Don't you think you should at least pet him first?"
Credit goes to the old man who came through my check stand a while back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/534qk0/two_guys_are_watching_a_dog_lick_his_dick/
%
Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/534qc2/why_wont_the_us_change_over_to_the_metric_system/
%
I used to be scared of pretty girls,

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/534k31/i_used_to_be_scared_of_pretty_girls/
%
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today...

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/534ifz/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_21_year_old_girl_today/
%
I asked a friend of mine what it was like being a herb farmer....

...He said its not so bad and that he had a lot of thyme on his hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/534fsi/i_asked_a_friend_of_mine_what_it_was_like_being_a/
%
An Indian man is at home...

An Indian man is at home, cooking for his family. He is a very wealthy scientist, so he was able to purchase a tandoor. Tonight he decides to break it in. As he takes his bread out, he notices something strange. It almost falls apart in his hands. As he gets it on the plate, it turns into a viscous liquid. Amazed, he began trying to figure out what this was. After several minutes of keeping his family waiting, he let's out an audible "Aha!" He then proceeds to slam his fist onto the bread. Miraculously, the bread held together and almost seemed to form a solid.
"Just as I thought." He says.
"A Naan-Newtonian Fluid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/534d24/an_indian_man_is_at_home/
%
We burried my grandmother last week...

So she's probably dead by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/534cw3/we_burried_my_grandmother_last_week/
%
My friend told me that I didn't know the meaning of the word "ironic"...

...which was ironic, because we were at the train station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/534a2l/my_friend_told_me_that_i_didnt_know_the_meaning/
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I work in the hole punching business. You can call me at 1-800-448-2-463.

I always leave a good first impression!
PS. I work for a printer\publisher and thought of this one while I was punching holes today.  I hope the punchline isn't too convoluted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5349pu/i_work_in_the_hole_punching_business_you_can_call/
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I tried to take a picture of some fog...

I mist.
^I'll^see^myself^out^BYE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5349l1/i_tried_to_take_a_picture_of_some_fog/
%
A Jewish boy asks his father for $20

Jewish boy: dad can I please have 20 dollars?
Jewish dad: 10 dollars?!? What do you need 5 dollars for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5346er/a_jewish_boy_asks_his_father_for_20/
%
Don't read "part a" backwards.

It's a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5345z9/dont_read_part_a_backwards/
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Backwards Compatibility.

People hated on the new console generation because they weren't backwards compatible, the Internet practically crucified Sony and Microsoft. But really people have always been like this.
Did you see what they did to that Jesus guy when he announced Christianity was no longer backwards compatible with Judaism?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5344q4/backwards_compatibility/
%
I was looking at some fetish porn on my phone...

I came upon it by accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/533zof/i_was_looking_at_some_fetish_porn_on_my_phone/
%
I had to take my son's dirty diaper off today.

I don't know why I was wearing it in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/533ylu/i_had_to_take_my_sons_dirty_diaper_off_today/
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My friend told me he broke my lamp

He said I hope you're not mad.
No, im delighted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/533ygy/my_friend_told_me_he_broke_my_lamp/
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An Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the desert...

When to nobodies real surprise a genie appears and offers to grant them a wish each.
The Frenchman goes first. "I would like to be transported back to my wonderful muzzer country, where you will 'ave built a great wall around all ze borders to protect ze beautiful 'omeland of ze French master race from ze filthy foreigners."
And poof, the genie grants his wish and the Frenchman is gone.
The Englishman says "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie responds "Well it's five hundred feet high, two hundred feet thick and absolutely impenetrable to any human force."
The Englishman says "Fill it with water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/533wsb/an_englishman_and_a_frenchman_are_walking_through/
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How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents

Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the Reindeer drowned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/533vf9/how_to_get_out_of_buying_your_kids_christmas/
%
A sodium atom undergoes a vigorous reaction with flourine...

How do you feel?" Asks the fluoride ion.
"Positively shell shocked" the sodium ion replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/533vcf/a_sodium_atom_undergoes_a_vigorous_reaction_with/
%
My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's."

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/533qa0/my_wife_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_that_said_this/
%
My wife and i decided not to have kids.

The kids are taking it pretty hard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/533l6n/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
%
You guys hear about that new broom that came out?

It's sweeping the nation!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/533kye/you_guys_hear_about_that_new_broom_that_came_out/
%
The story of Tyrone

When he was in school none of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness.  However, no one disliked him as much as his teacher who was always telling him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"
One day Tyrone's mother came to the school to check on her son, and his teacher told her that he was a disaster, always had bad grades, and was probably the dumbest kid she ever taught.  Tyrone's mother was so furious she removed Tyrone from the Detroit school and they moved to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease.  All of her doctors advised her that she needed heart surgery, but the only one able to do it was a doctor in Cleveland.  Since she had no other options she decided to have the operation and it was successful.
When she opened her eyes she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but she couldn't talk.  Her face started to turn blue, and she raised her hand as if she was trying to tell the doctor something but quickly died.
The doctor was shocked and wondered what went wrong so suddenly.  Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, the janitor at the clinic, who had unplugged her life support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.
You seriously didn't think Tyrone was the doctor did you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/533kpl/the_story_of_tyrone/
%
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police

He's now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/533gmh/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
%
My dad was an illiterate pirate

Tragically, he was lost at C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/533eg1/my_dad_was_an_illiterate_pirate/
%
Why Hello! Thanks for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/533dgc/why_hello_thanks_for_calling_the_mental_health/
%
Why are hurricanes named with female names?

Because when they come, they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53372v/why_are_hurricanes_named_with_female_names/
%
Hole in the wall

A man is waiting for a bus, but really needs a piss. He looks around but can't see anywhere. Just then he noticed 3 small holes in the wall behind the bus stop. He walks over to the wall unzips his fly, pops his cock through one of the holes and starts to piss.
Suddenly he feels a sharp pain in his cock and hears a voice "$5 or I'll cut your cock off" he looks over the wall and sees 3 kids lined up, one by each hole, with one of them holding a knife to his cock. "$5 or I'll cut you cock off" the man promptly agrees and hands over $5. "Put it in the bucket" the kid says and the man dropped the money into the bucket. "That's quite a scam you got going there kid" says the man "how much money have you made?" The kid says "$65" the man turns to the next kid "you?" "$70" says the second boy lifting up his bucket to show the man. He turns to the third boy "how much have you made? "The boy looks at the man with sadness on his face "just $5" he says "but on the plus side I have got a bucket full of cocks".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5335ir/hole_in_the_wall/
%
How cowboys are made

"Dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"Where do Cowboys come from?"
"Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5332z7/how_cowboys_are_made/
%
I had a friend buy a European car and he kept telling me about it breaking down.

I had to tell him that I didn't want to hear anymore of his Saab stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5332ep/i_had_a_friend_buy_a_european_car_and_he_kept/
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There are two kinds of people in the world:

Those that can extrapolate from missing information.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532zdj/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
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Two blondes are running for the highest office in the land

Oh right, don't put the joke in the title.  Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532yxd/two_blondes_are_running_for_the_highest_office_in/
%
I got a tattoo of a gong

Because I heard it's cool to get a tattoo of a Chinese cymbal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532ykh/i_got_a_tattoo_of_a_gong/
%
Canadians are easy to identify ...

... you can spot them 1.6 kilometres away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532voc/canadians_are_easy_to_identify/
%
A Man Got On A Plane...

A man gets on a plane with six children.  A woman leans across the aisle and asks "Are all those children yours?"  He answers, "No, I work for a condom company.  These are customer complaints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532u4o/a_man_got_on_a_plane/
%
I hate it when my teachers hit on me.

It sucks being homeschooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532tyx/i_hate_it_when_my_teachers_hit_on_me/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

Halfway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532s7e/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_ocean/
%
What do you call a letter from a feminist?

Hate male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532qw4/what_do_you_call_a_letter_from_a_feminist/
%
Ford Ibble

A car salesman asked me, "What are you looking for in a car?"
I said, "It has to be affordable"
He said, "I'm sorry sir, I've never heard of a Ford Ibble."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532o4n/ford_ibble/
%
I just explained Google to my Granny.

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.
"Except that." I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532mp4/i_just_explained_google_to_my_granny/
%
Why doesn't Elin Nordegren ever shop at the fish market?

Because Tiger is always bringing home crabs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532jow/why_doesnt_elin_nordegren_ever_shop_at_the_fish/
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Socialism or Communism are the only path to evolution, and Capitalism is the root of all evil.

> Sent from my iPhone 7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532en6/socialism_or_communism_are_the_only_path_to/
%
French, Italian and Russian are talking about their sex lives

French says: "When I get down with my woman, I can get her satisfied. I just slowly undress her latest Parisian fashion garments, and softly whisper of all the dirty things I will do to her. When I get going, she screams all night."
Italian replies: "That's nothing. When my lady and I start to make love, I gently sing her the most beautiful Venetian serenades I know. Then I coat her with the sweetest Sicilian honey, and lick it all off with my tongue. My lady, she screams all night, the next day, and the following evening too."
Russian snorts: "You think you know women, but you know nothing of women. When I feel like it, I just fuck my bitch of a wife, missionary style. After I'm done, I take our fine silk curtain from St. Petersburg, and wipe my dick on it. She screams all month."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532egp/french_italian_and_russian_are_talking_about/
%
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp,

I’m not sure I’ll be able look at him in the same light ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532cqk/my_brother_just_admitted_that_he_broke_my/
%
A guy was walking to a bar...

A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532cnm/a_guy_was_walking_to_a_bar/
%
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...

I've been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532ayq/my_neighborhood_barber_just_got_arrested_for/
%
I was going to write a joke about taps...

...but I didn't want to faucet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532axc/i_was_going_to_write_a_joke_about_taps/
%
Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

The first few chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532afy/just_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome/
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Three couples go to join a church....

Three couples want to join a church, so they each walk in and talk to the pastor. The pastor replies to their inquiry, "To prove you are a valuable member of the clergy I want you to commit to three months of abstinence to show your commitment to the church." The couples agree and go on their way to prove their faith.
Three months later the couples return to the church and meet with the pastor. The pastor asks about their challenge, to which the first couples wife says, "We did it! We can't wait to be a part of the church!" "Welcome to the church!" Replies the pastor, "How about you guys?" He says to the second couple. The husband replies, "Well it was really difficult these last few days, but we pulled through for the good of the church!" "Welcome to the church!" The pastor replies again. "And you?" He gestures to the final couple. The husband hangs his head and says, "Well we almost made it, but two days ago, my wife dropped a frozen pizza and bent over in front of me to pick it up and I just lost it and couldn't hold out any longer." The priest, mildly shocked, replies, "I'm sorry, but you aren't welcome in this church." The husband shrugs and says, "That's OK, we aren't welcome in Safeway either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532a8e/three_couples_go_to_join_a_church/
%
A Blond runs into a crowded bar

A blond runs into a crowded bar shouting to everybody "26 days! 26 days! Drinks on me!"
The patrons at the bar all cheer for the blond and the bartender pours everybody a drink. A few minutes later the blond again shouts "26 days! 26 days! Drinks on me!". Again, cheering is heard by everybody at the bar and the bartender pours everybody their second free drink.
Once again after a few minutes the blond starts with the shouting "26 days! 26 days! Drinks on me!"
At this point the bartender is beyond curious about what 26 days means, and he's also very concerned that the blond won't be able to afford 3 rounds of drinks for this crowded bar. So he decides he had better ask her what she means before he pours another round for the entire bar.
Bartender - "Ma'am, I'm dying to know. What does 26 days mean? And why are you buying rounds of drinks to celebrate it?"
Blond - "Tonight is a night of wonder and celebration! I finished a puzzle tonight. On the box it said 3 years and up, but I finished it in 26 days!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532a34/a_blond_runs_into_a_crowded_bar/
%
My wife caught me crossdressing.

So I packed her things and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/532a1f/my_wife_caught_me_crossdressing/
%
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife...

...that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.  His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5328vm/bill_has_worked_in_a_pickle_factory_for_several/
%
If weed becomes legalized after Snoop Dog dies

He'll be rolling in his grave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5328tt/if_weed_becomes_legalized_after_snoop_dog_dies/
%
How Shit Happens.

In the beginning was the plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of workers
And they spoke among themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."
And the workers went upon their supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the managers went unto their directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, none may abide its strength."
And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aid plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is exceedingly powerful."
And the vice presidents went unto the president and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company, and these areas in particular."
And the president looked upon the plan,
And saw that it was good, and the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5328k0/how_shit_happens/
%
My friend is afraid of fruit.

So I told him to grow a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53288z/my_friend_is_afraid_of_fruit/
%
The New Apple Card Deck only has 48 Cards

They left out the jacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5327x8/the_new_apple_card_deck_only_has_48_cards/
%
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5325g1/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
===========
If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
Eating Out
===========
When the bill arrives, Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.
When Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice get their bill, out come the
pocket calculators.
Money
===========
A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.
A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.
Bathrooms
===========
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.
The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 284. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
Arguments
===========
Women always have the last word in an argument.
Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Cats
===========
Women love cats.
Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.
The Future
===========
A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.
Success
===========
A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
Marriage
===========
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
Dressing Up
===========
A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Natural
===========
Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.
Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
Children
===========
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Maturity
===========
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Handwriting
===========
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Groceries
===========
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 12-items-or-less lane.
Going Out
===========
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings and finishes putting on her makeup.
Low Blows
===========
Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, “Oh, gee. That must have hurt.” The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
Laundry
===========
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.
The Wedding
===========
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony”. Men talk about “the bachelor party”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/53242k/differences_between_men_and_women/
%
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket.....

and thinks, "some asshole has my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5320sr/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
%
What brand of computer is best at singing?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5320mf/what_brand_of_computer_is_best_at_singing/
%
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgery.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial spongebath.
“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!”
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly ,”Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely… "A r e –  m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531zfk/a_male_patient_is_lying_in_bed_in_the_hospital/
%
What do you call a folder of child pornography?

A pedo-file.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531thl/what_do_you_call_a_folder_of_child_pornography/
%
My son said he couldn't sleep last night because of the thunder.

I feel bad for locking him out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531ozs/my_son_said_he_couldnt_sleep_last_night_because/
%
A young boy and his father were watching a film together

. The young boy said to his father "Dad, i'm scared, is that lady going to die?"
The father thought for a second, and said, "Well son, based on the size of that horses penis, I'd say probably yes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531o0i/a_young_boy_and_his_father_were_watching_a_film/
%
A guy wakes up, still hungover from the last night...

He notices his wife is being super nice to him - she makes him breakfast in bed, asks him if he needs anything, hums to herself happily.
Confused, he asks his kid: "Psst, hey, what's going on?".
The kid says: "Well, last night you came home drunk as a skunk, kicked the dog, vomited on the carpet, and pissed in the flower pot. And when mom tried to take off your clothes to put you to bed, you said - leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531nzi/a_guy_wakes_up_still_hungover_from_the_last_night/
%
A Job For a Woman

The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains.
"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," says the proctor, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun.  "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains.  "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room.  After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes.  "I wanted to do it I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun.  "We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing.
Suddenly, all goes quiet. The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, *"Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531l04/a_job_for_a_woman/
%
If my child is born disabled I promise to give them the greatest life possible

at the orphanage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531kf5/if_my_child_is_born_disabled_i_promise_to_give/
%
Any salad can be a Caesar salad.

If you stab it enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531jye/any_salad_can_be_a_caesar_salad/
%
We can't have sex...

This guy went to a bar...long story short, he met this broad and they went back to his place. Before they got undressed to do the horizontal mambo, he said, "Listen, I'm sorry but I don't think we should have sex right away". "Why's that?" she said.
"Well you see, I'm hung like a baby, and I wouldn't want you to laugh and decide you didn't want to have sex with me. Why don't we get to know each other first, and then when we feel we're ready, we'll do it."
So the girl agreed, but only because he was a good-looking dude and pretty nice.
Several dates later, they make it back to his place again, and after some conversation, they decide it's time. She undresses and slides into bed. He undresses, pulls out his dick, and slams it onto the bed with a thunderous noise.
She stares at his gigantic dick, in complete shock and awe.
"B-b-but I thought you said you were hung like a baby?"
"I am," he replied. "8 lbs, 14 and 1/2 inches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531hri/we_cant_have_sex/
%
What is the biggest battery size?

The D. It's huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531hiv/what_is_the_biggest_battery_size/
%
What do you call a very small villain?

The Antagonist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531h3b/what_do_you_call_a_very_small_villain/
%
White house

What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A tourist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531frx/white_house/
%
There was a knock at my door.

I said, "Who is it?" and they told me that it was the police. I asked them what they wanted and they said that they wanted to investigate my property for marijuana.
I said, "I haven't got any. Now be on your way."
"Well then," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?"
I said, "Because you might find the cocaine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531fis/there_was_a_knock_at_my_door/
%
Did you know that Iceland...

...is only one sea away from Ireland?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531f5z/did_you_know_that_iceland/
%
Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they're worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531ecy/why_are_divorces_so_expensive/
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Exaggerations...

...went up by a million percent last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531cqm/exaggerations/
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What do you call someone who breaks a plate and then apologizes?

Dishrespectful...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531bwj/what_do_you_call_someone_who_breaks_a_plate_and/
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Irishman looking for a parking place

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531bfk/irishman_looking_for_a_parking_place/
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What do sex and The Big Issue have in common? (Original Joke)

I buy them exclusively from homeless people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/531980/what_do_sex_and_the_big_issue_have_in_common/
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What do they call the Hunger Games in France?

Battle Royale with Cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5318zr/what_do_they_call_the_hunger_games_in_france/
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Teacher: "OK Sarah, what's your sentence with contagious?"

Student: "Our neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad said it will take the contagious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5313kv/teacher_ok_sarah_whats_your_sentence_with/
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My wife just left me because i cant stop using double negatives.

But in my opinion I haven't done nothing wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530xva/my_wife_just_left_me_because_i_cant_stop_using/
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Which rock band has 4 people but doesn't make music?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530xs3/which_rock_band_has_4_people_but_doesnt_make_music/
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AN ENGINEER, DOCTOR, AND PASTOR GOLFING

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530w3z/an_engineer_doctor_and_pastor_golfing/
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What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug addict?

The prostitute can wash her crack and then use it again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530t2x/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
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What do you call a dog who can do magic?

A labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530scn/what_do_you_call_a_dog_who_can_do_magic/
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Girlfriend told me she wanted to see our kids

so I came in her eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530s2a/girlfriend_told_me_she_wanted_to_see_our_kids/
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A Mexican man was visiting America.

He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530s19/a_mexican_man_was_visiting_america/
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"One man's trash is another man's treasure"..

..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530rk2/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
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You know how some dogs turn around several times before lying down and going to sleep?

They must be watch dogs. That's how they unwind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530qg9/you_know_how_some_dogs_turn_around_several_times/
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What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530p5z/what_happens_when_you_mix_human_dna_with_goat_dna/
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Management Training

An Indian warrior walks into Starbucks with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530mv6/management_training/
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Solution to overpopulation

Professor : "Over population is a big problem in our country. A woman in India gives birth every minute!"
Student : "Somebody should stop her!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530jr1/solution_to_overpopulation/
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Bring a Knife on a date?

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530iyb/bring_a_knife_on_a_date/
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What do you call a police officer standing on dog poop?

On duty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530ik1/what_do_you_call_a_police_officer_standing_on_dog/
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One day I was walking across the bridge when I saw a man about to jump off...

I immediately shouted to him, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why not?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well... are you religious or not?"
"I am!"
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To this I replied, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530if4/one_day_i_was_walking_across_the_bridge_when_i/
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Government Joke

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position. Then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530g14/government_joke/
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Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home

.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: who just threw that?
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530ezk/teacher_whoever_answers_my_next_question_can_go/
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Roses are grey, Violets are grey

I'm a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5308yg/roses_are_grey_violets_are_grey/
%
It was the night before the wife's 40th birthday

So the man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened and she replied, "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5308dj/it_was_the_night_before_the_wifes_40th_birthday/
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What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/530466/what_do_the_starship_enterprise_and_toilet_paper/
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What's the difference between KFC and /R/Jokes?

What you get served at KFC is original.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5302s2/whats_the_difference_between_kfc_and_rjokes/
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What does R. Kelly tell little girls on Halloween?

Urine for a treat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5302ea/what_does_r_kelly_tell_little_girls_on_halloween/
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What do you call the moisture build-up between two cousins having sex?

Relative humidity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5301qp/what_do_you_call_the_moisture_buildup_between_two/
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The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack and the Samsung battery is exploding...

It's like the mobile equivalent of our presidential election!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zyp9/the_iphone_doesnt_have_a_headphone_jack_and_the/
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"I wish I had the money to buy a million watermelons..."

"What will you do with a million watermelons?"
"I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zylc/i_wish_i_had_the_money_to_buy_a_million/
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I must be emotionally constipated

...because I haven't given a shit in days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zx39/i_must_be_emotionally_constipated/
%
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zt64/whats_the_difference_between_a_northern_fairytale/
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I’m selling my talking parrot.....

Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zpe0/im_selling_my_talking_parrot/
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People are giving Hillary too much flak for fainting

I mean come on, it was 92 degrees out there, how can you expect an older women to withstand 102 degree heat. I'd like to see you give a speech in 112 degree heat and see if you can make it as far as her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52znd5/people_are_giving_hillary_too_much_flak_for/
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Missing Wife

- Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
- Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
- Sergeant: What is her height?
- Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
- Sergeant: Weight?
- Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
- Sergeant: Color of eyes?
- Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
- Sergeant: Color of hair?
- Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
- Sergeant: What was she wearing?
- Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
- Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
- Husband: She went in my truck.
- Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
- Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine, special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelin's. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
- At this point the husband started choking up.
- Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zmqv/missing_wife/
%
An Indian Chief is sitting under a tree...

An Indian Chief and his son are sitting under a tree, looking out over the plains when his son asks: "Father, why is sister named, Running Deer?"
Chief: "Because, my son, when she was being born I looked out of the teepee and saw a deer running."
Son: "Father, why is brother called Charging Bull?"
Chief: "Because my son, when he was being born I looked out of the teepee and saw a bull running. Why do you ask, Pooping Dog?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zl6a/an_indian_chief_is_sitting_under_a_tree/
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Nice butts take my breath away...

I’m assmatic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zi6o/nice_butts_take_my_breath_away/
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My wife wants pay equality....

I told her I would do 1 better and gave her $1 to mow the grass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zh30/my_wife_wants_pay_equality/
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What's a kidnapper's favorite kind of shoes?

White Vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zgjb/whats_a_kidnappers_favorite_kind_of_shoes/
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What do you call an army of gorilla soldiers?

Boko Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zf1e/what_do_you_call_an_army_of_gorilla_soldiers/
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Alphabet Pick-up-line

Me: You remind of the 20 letters of the alphabet
Girl: There are 26 letters in the alphabet dumbass
Me: Oh, I forgot to mention, U R A Q T
Girl: That still only makes 25 . . .
Me: Don't worry, I will give you that D later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zea4/alphabet_pickupline/
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You've heard this before. A few guys are drinking at a bar.

They start talking about getting home and they are concerned their wives will be upset about how late they get home.
First guy says, "I do what I can. I put the car in neutral at the driveway and coast in. I tiptoe inside and sneak into bed. But she still knows."
Second guy said, "I idle a half block away, coast all the way home. I take off my shoes before I walk inside. I creep up the stairs and slink into bed but she is still there, waiting and as much as I do and starts yelling."
Third guy says," You're doing it wrong. I squeal my tires all the way into the driveway. I stomp to the front door, slam it closed, run up the stairs, slap my wife on the ass and yell, "who wants this?" and she is asleep every time. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zdw9/youve_heard_this_before_a_few_guys_are_drinking/
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I bought a Molotov Cocktail today

It was $850 and they called it the Note 7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zcmt/i_bought_a_molotov_cocktail_today/
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First thing I do every morning when I wake up is take a shit.

Then I roll over and get out of bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zbcn/first_thing_i_do_every_morning_when_i_wake_up_is/
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An Italian man and his wife had three children...

The two oldest were playing football while the other slept indoors. The man said, "My love, are you sure Ricky is my son? His brothers are athletic but him...not so much."
"Yes, my love."
A decade later the oldest brothers graduated college, one becoming an engineer and the other a doctor. Ricky had dropped out and took a job at a fast food place.
"My love, are you sure Ricardo is mine? His brothers are successful but him...not so much."
"Yes my love, he is yours."
Decades later, the wife was on her deathbed and said to her husband, "Benito, my love, I have a confession to make,"
"Is it about Ricky? Is he not mine?" He asked firmly.
"He is, my love, the other two...not so much."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52zb6j/an_italian_man_and_his_wife_had_three_children/
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The first time I spent the night at my girlfriend's house, her father would not let us sleep together...

...which is a shame because he was very attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52z9qh/the_first_time_i_spent_the_night_at_my/
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John Cena wakes up ...

**John Cena wakes up in a hospital**
John Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: ICU
John Cena: No you can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52z8z0/john_cena_wakes_up/
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Damn Girl, Are You Harambe's Pit?

Cause I wanna drop my children in you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52z79t/damn_girl_are_you_harambes_pit/
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What's the most eco friendly subreddit?

/r/Jokes because over 90% is recycled garbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52z77b/whats_the_most_eco_friendly_subreddit/
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What kinda pet would John Wayne get?...

He'd get a long little doggie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52z6md/what_kinda_pet_would_john_wayne_get/
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What did the ship captain say when his son learned to float ?

That's my buoy !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52z6az/what_did_the_ship_captain_say_when_his_son/
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One day Jesus was strolling around...

...when he comes across a sad old man, searching something desperately.
"What are you searching for old man?" He asks.
"My son." responds the old man.
Jesus tells the man that he will aid him in finding his son. But wanta more information: "Do you have any information about him? Anything specific, like, what does he look like?"
"Well," the old man says "he had nails in his hands and legs..."
Jesus is shocked.
"D...Dad?" He asks, his voice trembling.
The old man approaches Jesus, places his hands onto Jesus' cheeks. He asks:
"Pinnocio??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52z08f/one_day_jesus_was_strolling_around/
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My girlfriend and I have decided to not have any kids...

Our children are taking the news rather hard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52yz16/my_girlfriend_and_i_have_decided_to_not_have_any/
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My wife told me that she isn't very happy with our sex life.

A small part of me disagrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52yyx7/my_wife_told_me_that_she_isnt_very_happy_with_our/
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What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ywp4/what_do_you_call_a_blind_deer/
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We were having dinner at the table.

"What's up, dad?" I asked. "You look thoughtful."
He said, "I was just thinking about this time I got a blowjob off a girl at school. If only I could remember her name---"
"Peter!" interrupted mum.
He said, "No, that wasn't her name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52yvh1/we_were_having_dinner_at_the_table/
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I didn't think my son would make a good postman.

But he delivered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52yue1/i_didnt_think_my_son_would_make_a_good_postman/
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Why did the old lady fall into the well?

She didn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ympt/why_did_the_old_lady_fall_into_the_well/
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The worst mix of diseases?

Alzheimer and diarrhea. You run but you don't remember where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ym9y/the_worst_mix_of_diseases/
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Pinocchio goes to the doctor...

and says "Doctor, I have recently started dating a girl. Now, it has been fun so far but she has started to complain about splinters. What can I do."
The doctor considers a moment and says "You should simply get a few different grades of sand paper and every morning apply a few strokes. This should clear up the splinters in no time."
Pinocchio thanks the doctor and heads off. A few months later Pinocchio returns for a regular checkup. During it the doctor asks "So, how have things been with your girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied "Who needs a girlfriend?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52yk6v/pinocchio_goes_to_the_doctor/
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In the vegetable and fruit aisle

Me: Hi, are these carrots genetically modified?
Clerk: No, why do you ask?
Carrot: Yeah, why do you ask?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52yi48/in_the_vegetable_and_fruit_aisle/
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This girl winked at me and said she wanted to go somewhere quiet.

So I took her to the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52yh4z/this_girl_winked_at_me_and_said_she_wanted_to_go/
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A young blonde...

...pilot is in her first flying lesson in a 2 seater plane. Her instructor all of a sudden get a heart attack and dies.
"May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My instructor pilot is dead and I don't know how to fly!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic control. We can hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground safely. I have had a lot of experiences with this kind of problems. Now just take a deep breathe. Everything will be fine! Give me your height and position."
The blonde replies, "I'm 5'7 and in the front seat."
(After a long pause)
"O.K." says the the voice in the radio....."Now repeat after me.....Our Father Who art in heaven...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52yess/a_young_blonde/
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You know you're old...

When your stripper has braces and you're wondering how much her parents paid for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ydng/you_know_youre_old/
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My wife’s sexual fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time.

I think she misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52yb5h/my_wifes_sexual_fantasy_is_to_be_with_another_man/
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Women can talk for hours...

...but from 5 minutes giving a blowjob their mouth hurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52y8bl/women_can_talk_for_hours/
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Why is ink an unwise investment?

Because it's a dyeing industry.
- This is too obvious a joke to be original, but it came to me during my econ class, and so it's original to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52y7s2/why_is_ink_an_unwise_investment/
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True love lasts forever

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man.
‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52y7op/true_love_lasts_forever/
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Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins

\-Son, leave the room please.
\-Dad, but I'm 23...
\-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52y76a/dad_with_his_son_are_watching_a_movie_when_a_sex/
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what is a word and starts with w

That's correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52y6zp/what_is_a_word_and_starts_with_w/
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A man wanks into a bar...

...and the bartender says
"We don't serve your typo here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52y3o9/a_man_wanks_into_a_bar/
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Dental [Long][NSFW]

A father stops to talk to his son before leaving the house forever. He says, "Son, I'm going to give you some advice that will serve you well throughout your life. Stay away from women. They are nothing but trouble.... Also, they have a hole between there legs with teeth. If you put anything in that hole, they will bite it off." With that remark, the father leaves.Years go by and the son grows up, falls in love and gets married. On his wedding night, his bride tries to get him to make love to her. She becomes exasperated and finally goes into detail about what is expected of him as a husband. Alarmed, the young man says, "No way am I putting my penis in there. You have teeth and you will bite me!" The wife says, "Calm down! Look here." She opens her legs and says, " Look closely. I don't have any teeth down here." The husband says, "You're right! And your gums are in terrible condition!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52y2si/dental_longnsfw/
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Do you know what would happen if you'd freeze someone to -273.15 degrees Clesius?

That person would be 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52y2cr/do_you_know_what_would_happen_if_youd_freeze/
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What do you call a singing laptop?

A dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xzpy/what_do_you_call_a_singing_laptop/
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What do the iPhone 7 and the Titanic have in common?

There's no room for jack, on both of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xyqr/what_do_the_iphone_7_and_the_titanic_have_in/
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What happens when Peter Pan tries to throws punches?

They Neverland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xyb1/what_happens_when_peter_pan_tries_to_throws/
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How do you starve a worthless mooch?

By hiding his employment check in his work boots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xwjp/how_do_you_starve_a_worthless_mooch/
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery...

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xuwn/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
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Open Mike Night sounded like a lot of fun...

... Until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xu3y/open_mike_night_sounded_like_a_lot_of_fun/
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Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xpcr/womenwhen_a_guy_calls_you_hothes_looking_at_your/
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What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can always unscrew a light bulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xnvh/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
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What do you get when you cross Jesus and a couple of criminals?

A good Friday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xlrn/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_jesus_and_a_couple/
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Who are the most homo-erotic pop group at Hogwarts?

Wand Erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xlfy/who_are_the_most_homoerotic_pop_group_at_hogwarts/
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My girlfriend turned to me and said “Dave, I think we’ve come to the end of the road.”

“Why?” I said, shocked.
“We’re in a river.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xkjg/my_girlfriend_turned_to_me_and_said_dave_i_think/
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What do you call a retarded kid with no arms and one leg.

Names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xjoi/what_do_you_call_a_retarded_kid_with_no_arms_and/
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I used to have a part time job helping a one-armed typist write capital letters

It was shift work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xf3t/i_used_to_have_a_part_time_job_helping_a_onearmed/
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Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

Because he was always lost at C!
[ I'm^so^sorry ]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xdrg/why_couldnt_the_pirate_learn_the_alphabet/
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Wanna hear why I love Dorian Gray jokes?

cause they never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xdcd/wanna_hear_why_i_love_dorian_gray_jokes/
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A beautiful woman walks into a bar. The barman asks, “What’ll you have?”

She replies, “I’d like a double entendre, please.”
So he gave her one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52xa6o/a_beautiful_woman_walks_into_a_bar_the_barman/
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My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked.

There was a diamond in the ruff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52x9bz/my_dog_swallowed_my_engagement_ring_last_night/
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I used to love going to dinner parties as a little girl

My wife hated it though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52x3ss/i_used_to_love_going_to_dinner_parties_as_a/
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Whats the worst thing to hear when you have explosive diarrhea?

"Are you ticklish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52x3rf/whats_the_worst_thing_to_hear_when_you_have/
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Why are there so many gay monsters?

Because they're always coming out of the closet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52x3lw/why_are_there_so_many_gay_monsters/
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Just got the iPhone 7.

It helped me lose weight! I now have no money to eat for 2 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52x26o/just_got_the_iphone_7/
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An American, A Canadian and a Boy scout are on a plane.

The plane hits turbulence and is about to crash.
the pilot comes out and says "The plane is going down. Everyone for himself!" grabs one of the remaining 3 parachutes and jumps out.
The American says. "We're number 1 so i get to live" hastily grabs 1 of the 2 remaining chutes and jumps out.
The Canadian looks at the boyscout and says "Im sorry things have to end this way... who gets the last parachute?"
The boyscout replies
"oh dont worry, the American grabbed my backpack"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wz77/an_american_a_canadian_and_a_boy_scout_are_on_a/
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A mathematician, a Statistician and an Accountant are in for a job interview. [x-post from r/accounting]

The interviewer calls in the mathematician first, the interview goes well and for the last question the interviewer asks, "What does two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies, "Four."
The interviewer says great and then calls in the statistician, and after another good interview he asks the same question, "What does two plus two equal?"
The statistician says, "With such a small sample size the answer is four give or take point three percent, but on 9 times out of 10 the answer will be four.”
Satisfied, the interviewer then calls in the accountant and at the end of the interview poses the same question, "What does two plus two equal?"
Very suddenly the accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shades, disconnects the phone, then approaches the interviewer and asks, "What do you want it to be?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wz1u/a_mathematician_a_statistician_and_an_accountant/
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(calling) 'Hey Boss, what's the difference between work and your daughter?'

'I'm not coming into work today'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wy76/calling_hey_boss_whats_the_difference_between/
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Cheap cow...

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”
The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?”
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. “You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes, “My wife is from Sicily.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wxnw/cheap_cow/
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ABCDEFGHIJK!

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wwyd/abcdefghijk/
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Boob Joke

A guy has been admiring his co-worker's massive bust for some time and it becomes more that he can take. He asks if he can suck on her tits for $100. She refuses. He raises the offer to $500 and again she refuses. His final bid is $1000 and she finally agrees. After about 15 minutes of him kissing all over her breasts, motor-boating them and squeezing them she starts to get a little worked up. "Aren't you going to suck on them?" she asks. "Nah, too expensive" he replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wuim/boob_joke/
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How do to an indian burn

My curry is better than yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wr8t/how_do_to_an_indian_burn/
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There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator

Only a fraction of people will get this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wqe7/there_is_a_fine_line_between_the_numerator_and/
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Being a proofreader isn't difficult.

If you know what to except.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wq40/being_a_proofreader_isnt_difficult/
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Why are there so many female archaeologists?

Because women love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wpcg/why_are_there_so_many_female_archaeologists/
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Why did Bill Clinton sign the NAFTA agreement? [NSFW]

He loves a giant sucking sound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wo1y/why_did_bill_clinton_sign_the_nafta_agreement_nsfw/
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A man lost his arm...

A man lost his arm in a terrible accident. After he recovered, he realized that he just couldn't do the things he could do before and he became depressed. He decided to end his life, so he went up to the top of a building to jump. He was standing on the edge and looked down only to see a man with no arms dancing down the sidewalk, spinning around and frolicking happily. Excited, the man with one arm decided that he had to talk to this other man, so he turned and ran back down the stairs and down the sidewalk until he caught up.
He stopped the man with no arms and explained his story, ending by saying, "...so I was about to jump off that building until I saw you down here. You have no arms, but you're dancing! You've got it so much worse than me but you've found a way to enjoy life, and I just have to know your secret!"
The man with no arms looked shocked, and replied, "Dancing? Hell no, my balls itch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wkrx/a_man_lost_his_arm/
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A local plastic surgeon started giving away free breast implants...

They're up for grabs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52whvd/a_local_plastic_surgeon_started_giving_away_free/
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BUSINESS IS BUSINESS

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the Civil War." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wh7c/business_is_business/
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What does a gay horse eat?

Haaaaaaay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wcrd/what_does_a_gay_horse_eat/
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What's the smartest muscle in the human body?

The anal sphincter; it can differentiate solid, liquid, and gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wcor/whats_the_smartest_muscle_in_the_human_body/
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What is the only correct answer to the question 'Are you ticklish?'

I have explosive diarrhea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wb8j/what_is_the_only_correct_answer_to_the_question/
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Why is the space between a woman's chest and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wavo/why_is_the_space_between_a_womans_chest_and_her/
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A man went in for an interview...

A man went in for an interview for a job as a sales man. The interview went quite well, but the trouble was that he kept winking.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we are looking for, the fact that you keep winking could put a lot of our potential customers off."
"Oh, that is no problem," said the man. "I stop winking if I take a couple of aspirin."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, coloured and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took an aspirin and soon stopped winking.
The interviewer said, "I do not think we could employ someone who would be womanizing all over the country."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I am a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well, how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a drug store, winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52wat8/a_man_went_in_for_an_interview/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun only has one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52w6xn/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
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Last night I was at the bar and this guy kept yelling "bastard" at his pint of beer.

It's never nice to witness substance abuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52w2m7/last_night_i_was_at_the_bar_and_this_guy_kept/
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An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

An  ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would u think they're twins, one is tall, other is short, they don't look anything like each other! Are u blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied,"I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would fuck u twice." !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52w1dw/an_ugly_woman_walked_into_a_store_with_her_2_kids/
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Our local council said they are going to get all the coins out of the wishing well and put them into a balloon.

Talk about getting everyone's hopes up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52w19h/our_local_council_said_they_are_going_to_get_all/
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I told my psychiatrist that I believe I have the power to detect Indian bread for miles around.

He said that's naan-sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vyti/i_told_my_psychiatrist_that_i_believe_i_have_the/
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First day of school

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vxd3/first_day_of_school/
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What did Abe Lincoln say after a night of drinking?

"I set WHO free?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vw1x/what_did_abe_lincoln_say_after_a_night_of_drinking/
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How is eating pussy and being in the Mafia similar?

One slip of tongue and you're in deep shit!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vvxf/how_is_eating_pussy_and_being_in_the_mafia_similar/
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Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vuwh/christmas_always_sucked_when_i_was_a_kid/
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A Sergeant calls his men out to line up on parade.

He calls out: "Private Smith, take one step forward!" After Smith does so, the Sergeant baldly announces: "We've just had word.....your mother is dead!" Whereupon Private Smith collapses on the ground and starts crying uncontrollably.
When the Commanding Officer hears about this, he calls in the Sergeant to bawl him out. "You can't just tell someone their mother is dead like that! Use a bit of tact and subtlety when dealing with something like this, for God's sake!"
A few weeks later the Sergeant calls his men out again. Remembering his Officer's words, he announces: "All those Privates whose mothers are still alive please take one step backwards....not so fast, Private Jones!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vupc/a_sergeant_calls_his_men_out_to_line_up_on_parade/
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A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You really are an asshole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vu53/a_guy_sits_at_a_bar_in_a_skyscraper_restaurant/
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What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vtuz/what_time_did_sean_connery_arrive_at_wimbledon/
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A man is at a job interview.

"What would you say is your greatest weakness?", asks the interviewer.
Without hesitating the man says, "Honesty."
The interviewer smiles. "I don't think that can be called a weakness."
The man shrugs.
"I don't give a fuck what you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vtag/a_man_is_at_a_job_interview/
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Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle?

No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vszr/why_do_chinese_warriors_die_so_easily_in_battle/
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I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vsev/im_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken Sedan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vrg5/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_2_doors/
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The king asks a commoner...

"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."
"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner
"To think it over?" asks his majesty.
"No - to fatten her up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vooh/the_king_asks_a_commoner/
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I found a girl with 12 tits...

Sounds funny, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vmlf/i_found_a_girl_with_12_tits/
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Great news insomniacs!

Only 12 sleeps til Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vm22/great_news_insomniacs/
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To avoid being raped when I am in jail...

I stick a tube of toothpaste up my ass for complete cavity protection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vluu/to_avoid_being_raped_when_i_am_in_jail/
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My son and I don't get along.

I call him a son of a bitch. He calls me a motherfucker.
Technically we're both right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52viux/my_son_and_i_dont_get_along/
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My dad always said, "I before E expect after C".

Society taught me otherwise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vi2w/my_dad_always_said_i_before_e_expect_after_c/
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I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."
Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vd97/i_was_enjoying_the_most_delicious_burger_at_the/
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A South African actor walks into his managers office (original joke)

Looking for a job. His manager thinks about it and says "we only have one role available at the moment, it's a short film about segregation"
The actor replies "great, that sounds like a-part-heid take"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52vb3n/a_south_african_actor_walks_into_his_managers/
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Last time I had sex, it felt like the 100m Olympic final.

There were 8 black men and a gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52v8vg/last_time_i_had_sex_it_felt_like_the_100m_olympic/
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My mum asked me if I had taken my lizard for a walk...

... I told her I was goanna do it later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52v11s/my_mum_asked_me_if_i_had_taken_my_lizard_for_a/
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A man is buying condoms and the cashier asks if he want them in a bag

My wife isn't that ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52v107/a_man_is_buying_condoms_and_the_cashier_asks_if/
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Jesus walks into a bar

"Just 12 waters please", while winking at his disciples.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52uw56/jesus_walks_into_a_bar/
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If women are so equal to men...

how come they can't oppress an entire gender?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52uuog/if_women_are_so_equal_to_men/
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what do u call a turtle running on a 9V rechargeable battery?

Dura-Shell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52us1l/what_do_u_call_a_turtle_running_on_a_9v/
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Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening, but before they do, they always put their cat outside...

The taxi arrives, and just as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.
Terry returns inside to chase it out.
Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, "My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52urn8/brenda_and_terry_are_going_out_for_the_evening/
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Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 50 seconds.

Poor guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52uqhz/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
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please help laptop problem

I painted my laptop black in hope of it running faster, now it doesnt work at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52upwo/please_help_laptop_problem/
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Hear about the guy whose brother cut off his leg below the ankle?

Treachery was a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52umer/hear_about_the_guy_whose_brother_cut_off_his_leg/
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I told my doctor I broke my arm in 2 places today

He told me not to go back to those places

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52um71/i_told_my_doctor_i_broke_my_arm_in_2_places_today/
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It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty.

But he had a great fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52um1t/it_was_a_terrible_summer_for_humpty_dumpty/
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Where did Mary go after the explosion?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ukk8/where_did_mary_go_after_the_explosion/
%
It must really suck working for a calendar company

You can't take any days off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ukk5/it_must_really_suck_working_for_a_calendar_company/
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Hey baby, can I take your derivative....

So I can lay tangent to those curves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ukjj/hey_baby_can_i_take_your_derivative/
%
A man visited a zoo

that only had one animal: a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ujqx/a_man_visited_a_zoo/
%
In the 18th century it was common practice to ignore negative numbers

People stopped at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52uj90/in_the_18th_century_it_was_common_practice_to/
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So there's this hot NA chick in my chemistry class

Her attitude is always salty, but hey, her booty is sodium fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ui3e/so_theres_this_hot_na_chick_in_my_chemistry_class/
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True story: Kitty cat had PUPPIES!

Recently attended my great aunts funeral. This was a beautiful story that accompanied.
My great aunt ran a beauty shop. One day, while tending to a female client in the beauty shop, her female client's highly acclaimed husband sat in a chair as company.
One of my young cousins ran in the beauty shop and shouted to his grandmother (my great aunt) "Kitty cat had puppies!"
The highly acclaimed gentleman that sat with his wife explained to my cousin that "Kitty cats have kittens. Puppy dogs have puppies. So your kitty cat didn't have puppies, she had kittens."
My cousin, calm and undeterred, announced "Well you can say what you want, but my kitty cat had PUPPIES!". He then walked away with confidence abundant, because he was right.
What the "highly acclaimed gentleman" didn't know is that my cousin had named his female DOG "Kitty Cat"
Children are such a joy, and that is one of the best stories I've ever heard. Never heard it until today.
The moral I take from that is "always be willing to be wrong, even if you are right".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ui23/true_story_kitty_cat_had_puppies/
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What do you get when you cross a hotdog and a potato?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52uh5h/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_hotdog_and_a/
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I don't have "safe sex" ...

... because I have never been turned on by anything with a combination lock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52uh4n/i_dont_have_safe_sex/
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(Original) did you know that if you squeeze one of your balls hard enough you'll cum?

Because sooner or later you'll bust a nut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ugv2/original_did_you_know_that_if_you_squeeze_one_of/
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What is the rain's favorite medieval reenactment?

Storming a castle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ugtn/what_is_the_rains_favorite_medieval_reenactment/
%
How do you kill a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
You strangle it until it turns blue, and then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ugs6/how_do_you_kill_a_blue_elephant/
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The 5 yr old girl and the construction crew.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied,  “I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**king sheet rock…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ueld/the_5_yr_old_girl_and_the_construction_crew/
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"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?"

"I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"
"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ue2g/dad_are_they_allowed_to_put_two_people_in_the/
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What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52udvf/what_does_bill_say_to_hillary_after_sex/
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A lawyer, a priest and a teacher with his students are on a plane as it begins to fall to the ground...

... the pilot comes over the intercom and says that there are only three parachutes on board. The priest, lawyer and teacher must decide who gets a parachute. Immediately the lawyer grabs a parachute and says "I'm more important than any of you so I get a parachute." The teacher angrily yells "But what about the children?" The lawyer replies "Fuck the children." The priest looks around and says "But is there time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ucft/a_lawyer_a_priest_and_a_teacher_with_his_students/
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I made a movie about freezing time

I showed it to some people, but they thought it was just a picture.
It's 3 hours and 27 minutes long...if you don't pause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52u9e9/i_made_a_movie_about_freezing_time/
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I bought perforated paper once

It was a total rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52u995/i_bought_perforated_paper_once/
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Did you hear the joke about the pencil?

There's no point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52u8km/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_pencil/
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I spent all day replacing the muffler on my car

It was exhausting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52u5le/i_spent_all_day_replacing_the_muffler_on_my_car/
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What do Indian Flowers grow?

Patels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52u1g1/what_do_indian_flowers_grow/
%
A guy tells his wife that he’s going fishing...

His wife starts to complain because she says he never takes her anywhere, so he tells her, “Fine, you can come fishing with me and the dog tomorrow!”  The next morning, the husband wakes up and wakes his wife.  Now she’s seen that her manipulation has worked a little too well and says, “I don’t want to go fishing.”  The husband is upset.  “You bitched and whined about wanting to go somewhere with me and now you don’t want to go?   Fine, you don’t have to go… but you’re either going to suck my dick or you’re going to let me fuck you in the ass.”  The wife says, “Let me think about it for a minute.”  The husband agrees and he leaves her to get things ready for his trip.  She he comes back, she says, “I don’t want to go fishing and I’m not about to let you fuck me in the ass, so I guess I’ll just suck your dick.”  He whips it out and she starts sucking, but then stops. “Jesus Christ!  Your dick tastes like shit!”  The husband says, “Yeah, the dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52tydv/a_guy_tells_his_wife_that_hes_going_fishing/
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What type of pants do you need to start a car?

Cargo pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52txrs/what_type_of_pants_do_you_need_to_start_a_car/
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What colour pants do you need to start a vehicle?

Khaki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52tvzx/what_colour_pants_do_you_need_to_start_a_vehicle/
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland

He clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52tvra/a_texan_walks_into_a_pub_in_ireland/
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What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ttyx/whats_baked_every_day_and_sells_itself/
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Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

His condom fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52tr2i/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_five_penises/
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A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.
One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.
Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.
I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.
I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.
I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.
After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.
I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.
So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.
I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.
As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.
The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliff side and dug in my pocket once more.
I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth.
It stopped the coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52tqbw/a_compass_a_cough_drop_and_a_match/
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If a mentally challenged midget is late to an appointment...

... can you justifiably call them "a little tardy"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52tnpb/if_a_mentally_challenged_midget_is_late_to_an/
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What are the similarities between feminists and hobos?

They both ask for change and never get any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52tn86/what_are_the_similarities_between_feminists_and/
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Today I found my first grey pubic hair...

I got really excited, but not as much as the other people on the bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52tl83/today_i_found_my_first_grey_pubic_hair/
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A proud new Dad

sits down to have a drink with his father.
"Well son, now that you've got a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this"
"Dad, you don't mean-"
"Yes son, I do" *Dad pulls out copy of 1001 Dad Jokes, 5th Edition*
"Dad... I'm honoured..." he says, tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honoured", replies his father. "I'm Dad".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52tknf/a_proud_new_dad/
%
I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day.

On the plus side I made a few bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52tfhy/i_was_involved_in_quite_a_violent_mugging_the/
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Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke)

Because that's where students have the most potential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52te9z/why_is_it_best_to_teach_physics_on_the_edge_of_a/
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A joke my granddad once told me.

I always loved this one, my granddad told it to me years ago. Still one of my favourites.
An elderly woman wakes one morning and looks out of her bedroom window. Across the road she sees two men from the local council office slowly making their way up the grassy embankment at the side of the road.
The man in front starts to dig a hole in the embankment and after some time moves forward and begins digging another hole. The second man then proceeds to immediately fill in the hole which the first man had only just finished digging. Perplexed by the odd behaviour of the men, the old woman continues to watch them to see if they will do the same with the next hole.
Surely enough, the men from the council continue this pattern for a good 30 minutes before the old woman, agitated with confusion and curiosity; decides it's time to find out what the men are doing.
"Excuse me young man, what on earth is the point of this, what are you doing?" Says the old woman, "The point?" Says the first man, "The point is to improve the appearance of the roads in this area, to give them a more natural look".
"Natural?" Exclaims the woman, "How exactly does this make the road look more natural? All you're doing is digging holes and then filling them in again!", the two men exchange a disheartened glance before the second man yells "Well it normally looks better, but the fella who plants the trees is off today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52tch9/a_joke_my_granddad_once_told_me/
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They're marketing headphones specifically for gorillas now

Rumor has it they'll be called Harambeats.
I'm so sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52tc07/theyre_marketing_headphones_specifically_for/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side is the most common answer, however this answer leaves a great deal of room for interpretation. As noted historian and sociologist Ian Ormwell stated, "A joke cannot be taken at face value; all jests are subjective in their appearance and impact." Contrasting this view, the philosopher Ben Hoovian posited, "All things being equal, a joke must remain in its proper context. A joke with no context is not a joke." The issue was finally settled by post-modernist Irma J. King, who unequivocally stated, "It is the nature of humans to analyze, and all literature created should be subject to analysis." (For a more complete treatment on the subject I strongly recommend reading her seminal book "6000 Years of Humor and Counting: Humor's influence on Human Civilization.")
As for the original chicken joke, the most common interpretation would be to take the joke at face value: we are dealing with a "real" chicken and road. The humor of the joke is based on its simplicity: while most jokes rely on the extraordinary, the humor of this joke is based on the ordinary.
Of course, one does not need to take the joke at face value. The chicken and the road can be viewed metaphorically. What if the chicken is a metaphorical coward, and is a human rather than an avian. The humor is then based not on the randomness of chicken desires, but becomes an example of cowardice and retreat.
Even deeper, the road could be a metaphor for a dividing line, perhaps "the other side" is some kind of forbidden knowledge, perhaps even death. The simplicity of the joke reinforces the listener's ignorance; the joke raises more questions than answers. Sadly, we may never know. Obviously, more research is needed as to WHY the chicken crossed the road. But what kind of road is it? What kind of chicken is it? And if "the other side" is indeed death, what are the implications for our own existence?
Please review my sources for their veracity. Let me know of any discrepancies so I can further treat the topic with more accuracy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52tak0/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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I wish a girl would give me a chance

so that I can finally disappoint someone besides my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52t90d/i_wish_a_girl_would_give_me_a_chance/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52t8nx/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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The job interviewer asked me to define turnover.

I said, "That's what I do before I go to sleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52t89r/the_job_interviewer_asked_me_to_define_turnover/
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What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52t4bw/what_do_a_bungee_jump_and_a_hooker_have_in_common/
%
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

He brings a box up to the counter and the clerk says, "That will be five dollars plus 15 cents for tax."
The young man screams "Tacks, I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52t3tm/a_young_man_goes_into_a_drug_store_to_buy_condoms/
%
The Fathers cock

Father o'conner keeps chickens behind the church in a coop. One sunday he goes to feed them and finds the cock's gone missing. He knows theres a cock fighting ring in the village so at mass he questions the congregation. "has anybody got a cock?'. All the men stand up. "no, no. I meant has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stand up. "No, no, no, that's not what i mean either. Has anybody seen my cock?" 16 altar boys, 2 priests and a goat stood up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52t36o/the_fathers_cock/
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Why was the communist arrested?

He was caught red handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52t0em/why_was_the_communist_arrested/
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A woman wants to test her boyfriend

She thinks he may be unfaithful, so she asks her sister to help her with something.
As the boyfriend pulls up to the house  and enters to find a trail of roses leading up to a closed door. He opens the door to find his girlfriends sister, laying on the bed.
"So, do you fancy it? You know you want to", she asks.
The boyfriend spins round immediately and heads back down stairs towards the front door only to find his girlfriend beaming, "I knew you would never do it!"
She runs over to hug him.
The moral of the story? Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52syps/a_woman_wants_to_test_her_boyfriend/
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Did you hear about the guy who wanted to be reincarnated as a stud?

He woke up on a snow tire in Michigan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52sydd/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_wanted_to_be/
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What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally Hoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52supn/what_does_an_english_pimp_do_after_having_tea_and/
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A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes.

The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began
to boast about his past.
"Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over $5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."
The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you $10,000 for the horse."
Recognizing a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why
wouldn't I want your horse?"
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his
life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52supi/a_travelling_salesman_stopped_alongside_a_field/
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Joke I heard today from the lady running my football pool:

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation, but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you or someone you know would be interested and wanted to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 pm.
Her name's Brenda.
She will be the one in the white dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52suel/joke_i_heard_today_from_the_lady_running_my/
%
A professor told dirty jokes in class

the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden, a prostitute makes $2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52sqt9/a_professor_told_dirty_jokes_in_class/
%
Young guy goes to a pharmacist to buy condoms

A young guy goes to the pharmacist. First time he buys condoms and there's this little thing of a girl behind the counter with a screechy high pitched voice.
"What can I help you with".
His hands are sweaty. He gathers his courage and says "I'd like a 6-pack of ccc...ondoms. Please."
So happy he managed to pull it off, he gives a slight smirk.
The girl behind the counter doesn't twitch. She looks at him impassively and asks "What size do you need?"
The kid freezes. He stares at the girl and can't find anything to say.
The girl, still stone-cold, pulls her hand up and shows 2 fingers together: "That big?"
Reassured, the guy says "no".
The girl then shows 3 fingers. He nods.
She puts all 3 fingers in her mouth and says with her little high pitched voice "That will be a size 6".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52sqfg/young_guy_goes_to_a_pharmacist_to_buy_condoms/
%
Why isn't the Mexican olympic team any good?

Anyone who can run jump or swim is already across the border.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52snp0/why_isnt_the_mexican_olympic_team_any_good/
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2 Nazis walk into a BAR

They each get 10 shots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52sn0s/2_nazis_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call half of Hillary's voters?

Deportable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52skxo/what_do_you_call_half_of_hillarys_voters/
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(old) How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52siw2/old_how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change/
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I was having sex last night and had an epiphany right before I climaxed...

I guess you could say that I came to a realisation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52sh3g/i_was_having_sex_last_night_and_had_an_epiphany/
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What do you call a wet bear?

A drizzly bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52sgf8/what_do_you_call_a_wet_bear/
%
What's the difference between a meeting and a funeral?

A funeral is a meeting where you're dead outside as well as in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52sfbw/whats_the_difference_between_a_meeting_and_a/
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Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52se5i/wife_how_would_you_describe_me/
%
Unemployment jokes aren't funny

They just don't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52sdvw/unemployment_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Bull sees you....

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52sc8m/bull_sees_you/
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Why was six afraid of seven

Because seven was a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52sa7x/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption..

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52s7o3/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
%
A farmer arrives at a local market and asks a merchant, "Can I get some feed for my chickens?"

"Sure, how much do you want?" the merchant replies.
"Well I recon I'll need about 9 bags."
The merchant gathers up some feed and hands the farmer 11 bags.
"Uh, I said I only needed 9 bags."
"Oh, I'm so sorry I thought you said 11, my mistake."
"It's no big deal, I'll purchase the extra 2 bags."
"Are you sure? It's really no problem you can just give me the 2 extra bags and I'll restock them."
"No, no, don't worry about it."
"Really we pride ourselves on customer service here are you sure it's OK? Was there any other part of this transaction that was not satisfactory?"
"Its fine but I'm kind of in a rush. Can I pay now so we can wrap this up?"
"Sure, of course, I was just trying to get a little feedback."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52s7kl/a_farmer_arrives_at_a_local_market_and_asks_a/
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Three guys in a plane crash on a deserted island...

One day, several years later, a bottle washes up on the beach. One of the guys opens it to reveal that it contains a genie! The two others rush over when they see what's going on.
The genie says "Normally, I give the person who finds my bottle three wishes, but since there are three of you, I'll give you each one."
She turns to the guy who found the bottle and says, "What is it that you desire?"
The man thinks for a moment, then says "Well, I've been on this island now for several years. I'd really just like to be home with my wife and our two children."
The genie smiles, snaps her fingers, and the man disappears. She turns to the second man and says, "And what is it that you desire?"
He says "Well, like the first man, I too have a family that I greatly wish to return to."
The genie wastes no time and in a second there is only one man remaining on the beach.
She says "You have one wish as well, what is it that you desire?"
The man is silent for a moment, then replies "Well, unlike those other two, I never really had a family." He thinks for a moment longer, then says "I guess I'm pretty lonely, I really wish those two guys were back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52s717/three_guys_in_a_plane_crash_on_a_deserted_island/
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How much money does it cost to make Captain America cry?

One buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52s5bh/how_much_money_does_it_cost_to_make_captain/
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What is the one thing you shouldn't do at a funeral?

The corpse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52s2ru/what_is_the_one_thing_you_shouldnt_do_at_a_funeral/
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I failed my Biology test yesterday

I was asked to name a parasite currently living in Britain.
Apparently 'Muslims' isn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52s1od/i_failed_my_biology_test_yesterday/
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what did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rzji/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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CARTOON LAWS OF PHYSICS

Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware
of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pasture land.  He
loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
look down.  At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit
on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that
only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
motion absolutely.  Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination
of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly
through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole.
The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rxtt/cartoon_laws_of_physics/
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A family is at the dinner table

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rxkv/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table/
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I found the one

When I saw her my knees got weak and my vision got blurry. That's when I realized I drunk the wrong glass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rw5l/i_found_the_one/
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From the Cold War archives

In the 1950s, when Cold War tensions were at their height, the Soviet Red Army unexpectedly placed an order with the U.S. Defense Department's procurement office.  The order asked for five million boxes of twelve-inch long condoms.  The unusual request was sent up the chain to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, where it was heatedly discussed.  Finally, a decision was passed back down to the procurement office.  "Fill the order, but stamp all the boxes 'Medium'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rw2c/from_the_cold_war_archives/
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I asked a chinese girl for her number

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rvxt/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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How did the sperm cross the road?

I put the wrong socks on today.
^(credit to /u/jackster_)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rvwx/how_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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A single word can make a heart open.

That word is "scalpel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rv6v/a_single_word_can_make_a_heart_open/
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what's the stupidest animal in the jungle

The polar bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rutg/whats_the_stupidest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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Stephen Hawking wrote another book,

It’s about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rrws/stephen_hawking_wrote_another_book/
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My doctor told me to stop masturbating

When I asked him why he said, "So I can examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rri9/my_doctor_told_me_to_stop_masturbating/
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[Long but worth it] A city boy decides he wants to go hunting one day...

...so he goes to the pawn shop and, not knowing any better, buys a handgun. He goes out into the woods looking for something to shoot at when he comes to a clearing and sees on the other side a bear!  Imagining a helluva hunting story, he takes aim, shoots until he's out of bullets, and then runs across the clearing to claim his prize. He looks around behind the bushes and doesn't see anything. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder.
He spins around and there's the bear! The bear says, "Look, buddy, I don't really appreciate being shot at. But I can see that you're new at this whole hunting thing so I'm going to give you a choice. You can let me maul you... Or you can let me fuck you in the ass."  The guy thinks it over and decides he can always come back and kill the bear tomorrow, so he agrees to option 2. The bear does his thing and the guy goes home.
The next morning, the guy wakes up, sore as hell and pissed off. He limps to the pawn shop and buys himself a hunting rifle. He heads back out into the woods and soon finds himself at the same clearing. Sure enough, there's the bear on the other side. Again, he shoots every bullet he has and then runs over to make sure he got the bear this time. But once again, he feels a tap on his shoulder and behind him is the bear, looking pretty pissed off himself. "Ok asshole, same deal," says the bear. Figuring he'll get the bear tomorrow for sure, the guy agrees to be ass-raped again. So the bear does his thing, and the guy goes home.
The next day, the guy is fucking determined. He hobbles back to the pawn shop and buys a whole case of grenades. He heads back to the woods and just starts tossing them everywhere. After the smoke clears, he goes back to where the clearing used to be, hoping to find some charred fur or bear chunks to prove he's killed the bear this time.  But he feels a tap on his shoulder *again* and the bear says, "son, you aren't in this for the hunting, are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rp9a/long_but_worth_it_a_city_boy_decides_he_wants_to/
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I don't always seduce hispanic Star Trek fans...

but when I do, I prefer dos Trekkies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rn4b/i_dont_always_seduce_hispanic_star_trek_fans/
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I used to file my nails

Now I just chuck them away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rlju/i_used_to_file_my_nails/
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Helping a friend

So I got a text from my friend this morning telling me he was going to kill himself.
Do I reply? Or just leave him hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ri6j/helping_a_friend/
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Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rhir/why_couldnt_the_chemist_laugh_at_the_queens_fart/
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The parrot

A woman walks in to a pet shop, looking to buy a parrot.
-We have a couple of parrots for sale, the shopkeeper says.
-This one is 1000 bucks, he says, pointing ro a red parrot. -This one is 500, pointing to a yellow parrot.
-Hmm, that's expensive, the woman says. -You don't have anything cheaper?
-Oh, I almost forgot. We have one in the back. It's really beautfiful. The only drawback is that it used to live in a brothel. You can have it for 5 dollars.
-Great, I'll take it.
The woman brings the bird home. As soon as the bird is taken out of the cage it screams: - Fuck yea, new brothel!
The woman laughs.
Then her two daughters enter the room.
The parrot screams again: - Fuck yea, new hookers!
All three women laugh.
Later on that day, her husband comes home, eager to see the new bird. And the parrot screams: - Frank, I haven't seen you for weeks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rdai/the_parrot/
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Don't read part A backwards

Its A trap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52rbzu/dont_read_part_a_backwards/
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I pirate made a tinder account looking for

A chest with some booty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52r8bc/i_pirate_made_a_tinder_account_looking_for/
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In a bar, there's a guy hitting on a cute Banker girl

The guy brags about all his riches and possessions, but he got shot down by the girl immediately.
The girl said, "Leave me a loan!"
The guy noticed the wordplay, he praised the girl. "That's a pretty clever pun! ...But not as pretty as you"
The girl, now irritated, said. "I'm not kidding, leave me a loan! I lost interest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52r6wc/in_a_bar_theres_a_guy_hitting_on_a_cute_banker/
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What do you call a sarcastic criminal who's walking down stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52r4j9/what_do_you_call_a_sarcastic_criminal_whos/
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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff.

He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration.
The lawyer asks, "What for?"
The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," says the sheriff impatiently.
The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."
The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.
The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52r3ls/a_lawyer_runs_a_stop_sign_and_gets_pulled_over_by/
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I don't understand why the Catholic Church is so against gay pride

After all, their central figure was nailed by four Roman guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52r02s/i_dont_understand_why_the_catholic_church_is_so/
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How do you make a holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qxjr/how_do_you_make_a_holy_water/
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I shot my first turkey today...

..It sure scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qxfz/i_shot_my_first_turkey_today/
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What do Viagra and Disney World have in common?

A one-hour wait for a two-minute ride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qx6s/what_do_viagra_and_disney_world_have_in_common/
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I am glad

... that everyone reading this is on the same page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qx56/i_am_glad/
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What does Spiderman like to get high on?

Mary Jane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qtea/what_does_spiderman_like_to_get_high_on/
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Minesweeper

What Hitler called his cleaning lady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qow9/minesweeper/
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Two nuns are sitting on a park bench...

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them.  The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qm9c/two_nuns_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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Why was the Taiwanese business man so stressed out?

Because he had a Taipei personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qkux/why_was_the_taiwanese_business_man_so_stressed_out/
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For all you non-native English speakers out there...

"Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qj8b/for_all_you_nonnative_english_speakers_out_there/
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What's Hillary Clinton's favorite pizza place?

Little Seizures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qi4k/whats_hillary_clintons_favorite_pizza_place/
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What did one eyeball say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qgwc/what_did_one_eyeball_say_to_the_other/
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Rocky Mountain Oysters.

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, ” Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qg3g/rocky_mountain_oysters/
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Wife: We're not talking over the radio. This relationship is over.

Husband: This relationship is what? Over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qcn5/wife_were_not_talking_over_the_radio_this/
%
You can make jokes about anything, except Mexicans

That's crossing the border.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qckc/you_can_make_jokes_about_anything_except_mexicans/
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A plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain, Josh Weinberg.

It is the first time he has flown with his Chinese co-pilot Bo Weng and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
After this protracted silence has continued for a while, the Captain mutters, 'I don't like the Chinese.. .'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbour , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Per Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. Japanese do that'.
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter to me: you're all alike!'
The silence continues on until the co-pilot suddenly announces 'I no rike Jews anyway' .
'Oh yeah, and why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic' says the co-pilot.
'You're nuts' exclaims the captain, 'Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' , 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah to me...all bruddy same!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qbh9/a_plane_leaves_jfk_airport_under_the_control_of_a/
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2 Egyptians noticed their farts smelled the same.

They had a Tutankhamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52qa24/2_egyptians_noticed_their_farts_smelled_the_same/
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A Roman walks into the bar...

...holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q8st/a_roman_walks_into_the_bar/
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I bought myself an ant farm...

... them fellas didn’t grow shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q8hm/i_bought_myself_an_ant_farm/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby

The bus driver says: *''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''*
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: *''The driver just insulted me!''*
The man says: *''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''*
&nbsp;
^^^Yes ^^^it ^^^is ^^^a ^^^stolen ^^^joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q8et/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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They call me the microwave...

Cause i take it out 2 seconds before i finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q71a/they_call_me_the_microwave/
%
My son told me that he had something to say.

"What is it, boy?" I asked.
"Dad..." he said. "Is it OK if I invite my date over for dinner?"
"That's fine," I smiled. "as long as she isn't black!"
He said, "Don't worry. He isn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q6ji/my_son_told_me_that_he_had_something_to_say/
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The Lone Ranger finds Tonto lying in the desert with his ear pressed to the ground.

"What is it Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger, knowing full well of his partner's sensory capabilities.
Tonto opens his eyes softly and stares into the horizon, with his ear still flat on the ground.
"Five men.... on three horses.... all armed...." he says.
The Lone Ranger is impressed, "that's amazing Tonto, how do you know that they're all armed?"
"Ran me over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q693/the_lone_ranger_finds_tonto_lying_in_the_desert/
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The last time I saw my friend Peter he was counting. "75, 76, 77..." he said, as he began to walk away.

I don't know what he's up to now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q5ud/the_last_time_i_saw_my_friend_peter_he_was/
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Kate Winslet will never be able to love a new iPhone...

...nothing in the world could ever replace the love she had for Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q3us/kate_winslet_will_never_be_able_to_love_a_new/
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What is long, hard and has cum in it.....?

A cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q3oe/what_is_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
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Do you know why you need two fingers for a rectal exam?

For a second opinion...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q3el/do_you_know_why_you_need_two_fingers_for_a_rectal/
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I always wear a helmet during intercourse cause I'm a firm believer in safe sex.

Doesn't help much against the STD's but it sure is effective against the pepper-spray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q3b5/i_always_wear_a_helmet_during_intercourse_cause/
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What's the definition of a will?

Come on, it's a dead giveaway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q2lc/whats_the_definition_of_a_will/
%
I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch".

You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q29v/i_searched_in_google_how_do_i_know_if_my_wife_is/
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What's more annoying than a monkey trying to steal your banana?

Working at a Tesco supermarket in Produce, putting out loose bananas on display, and while trying to do so, customers keep barging their way in to you and remove the lovely bananas you just put there and leave with a remark on the lines of, "Sorry, I'm just going to ruin your display, HA HA".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q1fy/whats_more_annoying_than_a_monkey_trying_to_steal/
%
A man and his wife are at a golf resort...

He tries to teach his wife how to swing a club
"I already know how to hit a ball, watch this" she replies. She takes a big swing and hits the ball, the ball soars in the air and goes through a window of a mansion which happens to be at the resort. "Shit, we have to go apologize" says the husband. The wife agrees and they both decide to go to the mansion. As they find themselves at the front door the husband decides to knock on the door, as he knocks the door creepingly opens up slowly. "Should we go in? Doesn't look like anyone's here" says the wife. The husband says "yes let's go in and retrieve the golf ball and pretend it wasn't us that broke the window." They go inside looking at room after room until they find the room with the broken window, golf ball on the floor and knocked over lamp. The husband decides to pick up the lamp and out of no where a genie appears. The husband and wife are both shocked but the genie says "don't be scared, you have saved me, I was stuck in this lamp for centuries, I will offer you both a wish, any wish you would like but there is one request I have." The husband says what is that request? The genie responds and says "I get to have one wish of my own after I have granted your wishes."
The wife says "OK no problem, my wish is that I have 10 million dollars" the genie snaps his fingers and says 10 million dollars is in your account. The husband says I want a Ferrari and Lamborghini, the genie snaps his fingers and says as soon as you go outside you'll see your cars. Both of them are so excited and then the genie interrupts and says "now it's time for my wish, I wish to have sex with your wife. The husband says "No way" but the wife agrees to it and says we will get our wishes if I do so and that there is no problem. The husband agrees and the wife goes to another room with the genie. During sex the wife asks the genie "how old are you genie?" the genie responds by asking her how old her husband is. She says my husband is 40 years old. The genie replies, so your husband is 40 and still believes in genies?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q14u/a_man_and_his_wife_are_at_a_golf_resort/
%
A joke about a guy's first day in prison, from the first joke book I ever owned.

Jim arrives at the prison where he has to serve out his 10 year sentence. After the formalities involved in processing, he was shown to his cell, which he had to share with another inmate. Overwhelmed by the thought of spending the next ten years in this miserable place, he spends most of the day in bed staring at the ceiling.
At 10 PM, the guards conducted roll-call, locked all the cells, and turned off the lights. Jim tried to sleep, but couldn't.
Around midnight, he was snapped our of his thoughts when someone in the cellblock yelled "TWELVE!". Then, there was the sound of laughter reverberating around the building. He looked over to his cellmate who was laughing as well. Jim was surprised, but didn't make much of it.
A little later, there was a shout of "TWENTY NINE!"! Again, the inmates in the block started to hoot in delight. Jim was intrigued and asked his cellmate, who was doubled over laughing, just what the heck was going on with the numbers.
"Well...", said Jim's cellmate, "...those numbers aren't random, man. The people in this block have been in here a long time, so long in fact, that we all know each other's jokes by heart. We numbered them so that they're easier to tell! You can shout out a number, and every inmate in this building will know what joke you're talking about!"
"You're pulling my leg!", said Jim. The cellmate chuckles and says, "No, I'm not, man! Look, I'll show you. Give me a number."
Jim shrugs, "Fine... How about 85?". The cellmate goes to the bars of the cell and yells out "EIGHTY FIVE!". The whole block starts to howl out laughing. The cellmate looks at Jim and smirks.
Jim is astonished. "Can I try?", he asks. The cellmate beckons him to have at it.
Jim gets off his bed and goes over to the bars of the cell. "FIFTY THREE!", he yells.
No laughs, only silence. The cellmate says, "Try again."
"SIX!", Jim yells. Still no response. "What happened? Did I choose the wrong jokes?"
Jim's cellmate sighs, pats him on the back and says, "It's not the jokes, buddy, you're just not telling them right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52q0ep/a_joke_about_a_guys_first_day_in_prison_from_the/
%
How do you milk a sheep?

Release a new iPhone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52pycw/how_do_you_milk_a_sheep/
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WOMEN eh!

Boob-jobs,
nose-jobs,
teeth bleaching,
tummy tucks,
liposuction,
colonic irrigation,
botox,
pierced ears,
pierced nipples,
pierced bellies,
pierced clits,
eyebrows plucked,
bikini wax,
armpits shaved,
legs waxed,
lips tattooed,
tits tattooed,
arms tattooed,
legs tattooed,
lengthy diets,
strenuous exercise. . . . . . . .
and then they refuse to take it up the arse cause: ''It hurts!!!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52pxdh/women_eh/
%
A man exits his work place and waves at a taxi passing by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"
Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy, ehh?
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them."
Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married to his fucking widow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52puzg/a_man_exits_his_work_place_and_waves_at_a_taxi/
%
Chicken and an egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52puvx/chicken_and_an_egg/
%
Velcro...

That's a rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52pttf/velcro/
%
How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ptre/how_do_you_milk_sheep/
%
Had a house party last night

...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52prx3/had_a_house_party_last_night/
%
Atoms are Liars...

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52pru8/atoms_are_liars/
%
I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.

I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52prsl/i_definitely_learned_my_lesson_about_speeding/
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German knock knock joke: "Knock Knock" - "Who's th..."

**VE ASK ZHE KVESTIONS HERE!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52prq6/german_knock_knock_joke_knock_knock_whos_th/
%
How does a black mother tell her children apart?

She remembers them by their last names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52pqjd/how_does_a_black_mother_tell_her_children_apart/
%
My only fetish is for pasta

I guess you could call it fetichinni...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52pnqb/my_only_fetish_is_for_pasta/
%
What's a bigamist?

It's a large fog in Italy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52pnac/whats_a_bigamist/
%
Some guy walked up to me today and said I'm racist

I told him I'm not racist. In fact my best friend was a black child until my dad sold him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52pmh8/some_guy_walked_up_to_me_today_and_said_im_racist/
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I like my women like I like my Building 7.

Going down for no reason. That's a conspiracy reference that 9 out of 11 people don't get. It's an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52pkdt/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_building_7/
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Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility...

everyone is counting on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52pgls/being_a_calculator_must_be_a_huge_responsibility/
%
"So, why do you want to be a doctor?"

Because I can never be patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52peau/so_why_do_you_want_to_be_a_doctor/
%
An older woman goes to the doctor

A 70 year old woman goes to the doctor and says: 'I'm having a very embarrassing problem doctor, I'm farting all day long, but I'm in luck the farts don't smell and you can barely hear them.'
The doctor prescribes her some pills, whereof everyday she has to take 2.
After 2 weeks the woman comes back to the doctor and asks: 'Doctor, what meds have you given me? I still fart all day long, still barely hearable, but they smell horrible!'
'Ok!' the doctor says, 'now we've opened up your sinuses, I'll now forward you to a doctor for hearing aids.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52pe7c/an_older_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
I wanted to make an impromptu joke.

But I wasn't ready.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52pdrk/i_wanted_to_make_an_impromptu_joke/
%
What's black and white and red all over?

A white person wearing blackface with multiple stab wounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52pcqf/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
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How do you tell two witches apart?

You can't! You don't know which witch is which!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52pc8a/how_do_you_tell_two_witches_apart/
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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:  "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!
" she cried.  The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says.  She got in the back-seat by mistake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52p9rm/tell_me_this_wont_happen_to_me/
%
A man's wife is showing off her new bikini at the beach....

"Do you notice the difference?" she said "I've lost a stone".
The man picks up the smallest pebble he can find and throws it into the water. "The beach has lost a stone. Do you notice the difference?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52p95l/a_mans_wife_is_showing_off_her_new_bikini_at_the/
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Why shouldn't you wear loose fitting shorts when visiting Ukraine?

Because Chernobyl fallout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52p8yp/why_shouldnt_you_wear_loose_fitting_shorts_when/
%
My brother and I love to crack rape jokes...

Usually I tell better jokes then he does, but he's pretty competitive and I'll get him going. There's no line we won't cross, no joke we won't tell.
But his Fiance hates it.
She cant stand any joke about violence for that matter. That doesn't stop us though. You can just tell it's not her type of humor. We'll be telling those rape jokes and she'd be just fuming, just pissed. You can just see it in her eyes, that if we were to take that gag out of her mouth, she'd give us a piece of her mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52p8nr/my_brother_and_i_love_to_crack_rape_jokes/
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It's not true that a married man will live longer than a single man

It just seems longer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52p8nn/its_not_true_that_a_married_man_will_live_longer/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52p8jg/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
Relationships are like fat people...

Most don't work out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52p56j/relationships_are_like_fat_people/
%
Life is like a box of chocolate...

... it doesn't last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52p39j/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolate/
%
My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.

They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52p2ej/my_bank_just_called_me_about_suspicious_activity/
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What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52oynb/what_is_the_difference_between_a_sharply_dressed/
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Why doesn't Oprah Winfrey have sex with her husband?

She doesn't have a husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52oxe6/why_doesnt_oprah_winfrey_have_sex_with_her_husband/
%
I told this guy I was arguing with if he stepped one more step closer I would hit him in the face, but he kept walking right to me.

I guess he didn't understand the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52oxa2/i_told_this_guy_i_was_arguing_with_if_he_stepped/
%
I just finished reading Mein Kampf...

Pretty good for light reading, I rate it nein out of ten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52otjl/i_just_finished_reading_mein_kampf/
%
Why was Star Wars released in the order of episode 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3

In charge of order, Yoda was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52osz1/why_was_star_wars_released_in_the_order_of/
%
My friend ran into a tree with his brand new car...

He found out his Mercedes bends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52orqf/my_friend_ran_into_a_tree_with_his_brand_new_car/
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My boss pulled up to work in his sweet sports car this morning...

... and i complimented him on it.
He stepped out of his car, put his hand on my shoulder and replied,
"If you work hard,set goals, stay determined and put in long hours; I can get even better one next year"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52opee/my_boss_pulled_up_to_work_in_his_sweet_sports_car/
%
TIFU.

She was on top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ol97/tifu/
%
How do you count cows?

With a cowculator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52oic2/how_do_you_count_cows/
%
If Katt Williams had a nickel for every time he's been arrested...

He'd put them in a sock and beat someone with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ogp8/if_katt_williams_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_hes/
%
Why do midgets giggle when running through a field?

The grass tickles their balls as they run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52odee/why_do_midgets_giggle_when_running_through_a_field/
%
What do zombies with dyslexia eat?

Brians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52o8su/what_do_zombies_with_dyslexia_eat/
%
Why do politicians take laxatives?

So that they can speak more fluently!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52o6w7/why_do_politicians_take_laxatives/
%
Two gay men were on a train trip

During the night when everyone in the train were sleeping, one of the gay men got horny.
"Come on, lets do it!"
"No, let's not"
"Why?"
"Maybe the other travelling people will be bothered and awoken by it."
"No, they won't! They're all sleeping like pigs. Let me show you. ANYONE GOT A LIGHTER?" See, no one answered, because they are all sleeping."
"Alright, let's go."
The morning after, the conductor of the train asked the travelers if they had a good night of sleep.
Then, a drowsy and disturbed-looking old man in the back of the train replied.
"No, I didn't sleep very well at all."
"Why not?" Replied the train conductor.
"I was freezing."
"You could've asked for a blanket."
"I was afraid to ask. There was a guy asking for a lighter, and he got fucked in the ass by someone for three hours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52o47g/two_gay_men_were_on_a_train_trip/
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If you think Hillary is going to drop out of the presidential race, you should know Hillary doesn't go down...

That's why Bill had Monica.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52o2ls/if_you_think_hillary_is_going_to_drop_out_of_the/
%
What's 50 Cents name in Zimbabwe?

400 Million Dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52o2f4/whats_50_cents_name_in_zimbabwe/
%
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Human almost never eat monkeys at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52o211/til_humans_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
%
Last night I let my boyfriend indulge his "scat" fantasy...

<sigh>
I'm glad I got that off my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52o1jy/last_night_i_let_my_boyfriend_indulge_his_scat/
%
[Long] A stutterer gets on a bus...

...and asks the driver: O-onne t-t-t-ticket p-please. To which the driver responds: h-here y-y-y-you g-go. A-a-are y-you mess-mess-messing with me? -asks the stutterer. N-no, I-I-I'm a st-st-s-stutt-stuutt-stutterer myself. -answers the driver. Oh, ok-ok-okay, says the stutterer and sits near the front of the bus after that long conversation.
At the next stop, a guy enters and asks the bus driver: Can I have one ticket please? To which the driver responds: Yes, of course, here you go and have a seat. Thank you, says the guy and takes a seat in the back.
The stutterer saw and heard that and realised that the bus driver actually was messing with him. So he goes to the front of the bus and confronts the bus driver: H-hey! Y-y-you *w-were* m-m-mess-meee-messing with m-me! To which the bus driver responds: N-n-no, n-no, I w-w-was mess-messing w-wit-with h-him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52nxmg/long_a_stutterer_gets_on_a_bus/
%
Nurse: "Oh jeez, was that you that fell 20 ft out of the tree?"

I don't know, I wasn't counting.
Not much of a joke but it was hilarious when my grandpa said it at the hospital (happened to him ofc).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52nx9z/nurse_oh_jeez_was_that_you_that_fell_20_ft_out_of/
%
A man goes to the doctor...

The doctor asks him what's wrong.
"Doc, my chest has been hurting, and I've had a terrible cough for three days. And I think I've been running a fever."
The doctor looks him up and down and quickly says, "Well I can tell you right now you're going to have to stop masturbating immediately."
Shocked, the man says "Why???"
"So I can examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52nx0f/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
When a dog is in "Heat", that means it wants sex.

Well, that's my defense for court tomorrow anyway...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52nweg/when_a_dog_is_in_heat_that_means_it_wants_sex/
%
What's Hillary Clinton's favorite work of art?

Pneumonia Lisa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52nspu/whats_hillary_clintons_favorite_work_of_art/
%
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

"Hold onto your nuts boy, this ain't no ordinary blow job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52nsms/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_palm/
%
RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52nq0f/rip_boiling_water/
%
Why do pedophiles like to play guitar?

Because it's completely ok to finger A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52npxr/why_do_pedophiles_like_to_play_guitar/
%
What's worse than finding a dead monkey on your piano?

Finding a diseased beaver on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52np3w/whats_worse_than_finding_a_dead_monkey_on_your/
%
A man died today when a pile of books fell on him.!!!

He only had his shelf to blame.,,,,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52nopo/a_man_died_today_when_a_pile_of_books_fell_on_him/
%
What do you call 7 white guys sitting on a bench?

The nba

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52nn74/what_do_you_call_7_white_guys_sitting_on_a_bench/
%
What's the easiest way to get a virus into ISIS computer systems?

By sending them executables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52nhzj/whats_the_easiest_way_to_get_a_virus_into_isis/
%
I told myself I should stop drinking ..

.. but I'm not about to listen to some weirdo that talks to himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52nfce/i_told_myself_i_should_stop_drinking/
%
Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have sex with his wife?

Because whenever She gets hot, he hits her with a shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52neao/why_doesnt_smokey_the_bear_have_sex_with_his_wife/
%
What's the most insensitive nickname you can give a person with diabetes?

Sweet Pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52nba1/whats_the_most_insensitive_nickname_you_can_give/
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The Harshest "Yo Mamma" Joke...

Yo Mamma is like a bowling ball...
She likes to get picked up, fingered, thrown down a dark alley, then comes back for more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52nanl/the_harshest_yo_mamma_joke/
%
What's the best part about dating a black girl?

You don't have to meet her father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52n9tv/whats_the_best_part_about_dating_a_black_girl/
%
Why are Jedi kids so fat?

Because they were force fed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52n7ik/why_are_jedi_kids_so_fat/
%
I found a new way to stop my girlfriend from picking up bad habits or doing anything that annoys me, I just have to say..

..."this is turning me on"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52n5n6/i_found_a_new_way_to_stop_my_girlfriend_from/
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This is a story of a perfectly married couple.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52n5k3/this_is_a_story_of_a_perfectly_married_couple/
%
What happened when the lawyer took a Viagra?

He got taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52n5iy/what_happened_when_the_lawyer_took_a_viagra/
%
Two pathologists are in a morgue...

...one says to the other,
"Hey, you know the blonde stiff in container C-06?"
"Yeah?" the other replies.
"Well, there's a prawn in between her legs."
"What?!"
"Yes, I swear!"
"Bullshit, show me."
The pathologist leads the other to the container, pulls out the drawer, throws back the white sheet and points.
"See? What did I tell you?"
The other pathologist shakes his head and says,
"That's not a prawn you moron, that's the clitoris"
"Oh." He replies. "Tastes like a prawn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52n55a/two_pathologists_are_in_a_morgue/
%
I saw a lizard

and it became a spotted lizard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52n1ry/i_saw_a_lizard/
%
So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are.

While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52mz4c/so_i_just_got_back_from_a_trip_in_germany_and_i/
%
A marine biologist in Virginia fell afoul of the law over his dolphins.

It seems that all he was able to procure were female dolphins.  Without males their interest in participating in the experiments waned.  Desperate to satisfy his dolphins, he tried to see if any humans could satisfy their needs, but he was limited by morals clauses prohibiting what was in effect bestiality.  Unable to find any men in the great state of Virginia to fill this duty (UVA being on break) he was forced to use a somewhat lower form of life: West Virginia coal miners.  These men were willing to do the deed, and so he loaded them in a school bus for the trip back to his lab but, of course he was arrested for transporting miners across state lines for immoral porpoises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52mw6h/a_marine_biologist_in_virginia_fell_afoul_of_the/
%
An elderly couple are sitting in a church

The man lets out a silent fart while the priest is talking.
He then says to his wife "I've let out a silent fart, everyone here will smell it. What do I do?"
His wife then says to him, "You get your hearing aids fixed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52muqs/an_elderly_couple_are_sitting_in_a_church/
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Why is the nose in the middle of the face?

Because it's the scenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52mu72/why_is_the_nose_in_the_middle_of_the_face/
%
Feeling down?

Try necromancy, it's sure to… raise your spirits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52mt2k/feeling_down/
%
Jesus was such a hypocrite

Preaches waiting for marriage and all that. Meanwhile he just goes and gets nailed 3 times in one day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52mlx4/jesus_was_such_a_hypocrite/
%
A man was balding very quickly

But he did not want to get a hair transplant nor did he want to take some odd medicine for it. So he decided to tattoo a rabbit on his scalp instead.
A friend of the man asked: "Why would you tattoo a rabbit on your head?"
The man answered: "Because from a distance it looks like hare."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ml9p/a_man_was_balding_very_quickly/
%
Today I've been cancer free for 19 years..

And it's also my 19th birthday, what a coincidence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52mju8/today_ive_been_cancer_free_for_19_years/
%
I accidentally hit my head on a window today...

It was paneful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52mjtf/i_accidentally_hit_my_head_on_a_window_today/
%
I asked a Chinese girl for her number..

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52mit5/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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Hillary Clinton goes t o a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says
And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.
I have three questions," he says.
"1st -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
2nd -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
And, 3rd -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion-dollars while you were Secretary
of State?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a
question?"
A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny," he says.
"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions," he says.
"1st -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
2nd -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
3rd -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
4th -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?"
And 5th -- where's Kenneth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52m3xz/hillary_clinton_goes_t_o_a_giftedstudent_primary/
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A California business man...

...while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Californian knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Californian joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "What do you mean wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52lzyd/a_california_business_man/
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I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand everything is fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52lybe/i_broke_my_finger_last_week/
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Why did the farmer win an award?

because he was out-standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52lsod/why_did_the_farmer_win_an_award/
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So these three blondes die trying to jump the Grand Canyon...

Fortunately for them, they were all Christians, so they went straight up to Heaven and met Saint Peter at the gate.  He put down his newspaper and greeted the women with a smile.  "Alright ladies, I have no problem letting you into Heaven, but you need to answer me one simple question- what is Easter?"
"Oh that's easy!"  The first blonde steps forward "It's that holiday when the Pilgrims came to America and we celebrate all of our blessings!"
Saint Peter shakes his head.  "Admission denied" he states as he presses the big red button and sends her into purgatory.
The second blonde scoffs and steps forward.  "What an idiot!  Everyone knows that it's the holiday where we celebrate Jesus's birth and give presents to each other!"
At this point, Saint Peter is banging his head on the bars of the golden gates.  "No.  Admission.  Denied." He presses the button and she falls into purgatory.
The third blonde flips her hair and says "Don't worry, I got this.  Easter is a holiday that falls on the same day as a Jewish holiday, in which we note the story of Jesus being crucified and taken down, where his body was put into a cave with a rock rolled in front of it."
At this point, Saint Peter is smiling and reaches for the button.
"...and every year they roll the rock away and if Jesus comes out and sees his shadow..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52lnz4/so_these_three_blondes_die_trying_to_jump_the/
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A British, Irish and Scottish

Walk into a bar and all order a beer. Unfortunately. A fly lands in each beer. The British guy asks for another beer and gets one. The Irish guy picks the fly out and puts it to the side. The Scottish guy takes the fly by the leg and scream "SPIT IT OUT, YA DIRTY BASTARD!!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ln8g/a_british_irish_and_scottish/
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What's a basketball players favorite kind of cheese?

Swish cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52llnt/whats_a_basketball_players_favorite_kind_of_cheese/
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For the musically inclined...

C, E-flat and G go into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat.
F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."
A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel.
Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility.
The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52li3n/for_the_musically_inclined/
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After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US has recently unleashed its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…

The American tourist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52lgk2/after_50_years_of_failed_embargoes_and_isolation/
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What do you call a transparent robot?

See-through P0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ldns/what_do_you_call_a_transparent_robot/
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So a guy is walking down the street...

He sees an old buddy:
Guy: Hey man what have you been up to?
Buddy: Nothin! What about you?
Guy: well i just took sky diving lessons! Its crazy, we learned all about how to jump out of a plan safely and how to land....then after that we went up in the plane for real. But i gotta say, its way different once you get up there, 3000ft up is crazy! The instructor opened up the door and i told him there was no way i could do it, i couldnt jump. So the instructor told me "if you dont do it, im gonna fuck you in the ass!"
Buddy: oh my god, so did you jump?
Guy: well a little at first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52l9kk/so_a_guy_is_walking_down_the_street/
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I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles,

my next crap could spell disaster!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52l8of/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_scrabble_tiles/
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Did you hear about the shooting at the school for blind, deaf mutes?

It was truly a senseless tragedy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52l71w/did_you_hear_about_the_shooting_at_the_school_for/
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Why do engineers have to practice their social skills?

So they don't forget either of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52l6yh/why_do_engineers_have_to_practice_their_social/
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Two boys walk into a pet shop.

There were two young boys in a pet shop. One named Derek, and his older brother Patrick. They had been given money by their father to buy themselves two animals—one for each of them. There was such a selection! Dogs, cats, caterpillars, giraffes, parrots, and more. They could only afford two of the smaller animals, and so they were browsing the section dedicated to these.
First they looked at the birds. There were parrots. The boys had heard that they could speak, but when they tried to converse with them, the parrots neglected to do so in a way that satisfied the boys.
“Hello, Mr Parrot. How are you doing on this fine afternoon?” asked Derek, enthusiastic about the chance to see such a wonderful creature in action.
The parrot looked at him, and to Derek's disappointment, the parrot said “Fuck off, I'm trying to sleep you dickhead!”
They moved on to the next creature which was the hamster. They watched them running around and fornicating, and as they were close with the Lord they knew that they could not associate themselves with something so foul.
Next was a turtle. Both of the brothers were impressed with the sight of the turtle.
“There is little chance of it running away!” exclaimed Patrick, “we will never lose them!”
The turtle was reading a book, and they were curious to know what it was that the turtle was into.
“I hope it's the Bible!” said Derek, excitedly.
But as they looked at it closer they came to know that it was Harry Potter and as they were close with the Lord, they knew that they could not associate themselves with something so foul.
Beside the cage that the turtle was kept in could be found a chicken. But as they were close with the Lord they knew that they could not associate themselves with something so fowl.
They searched and searched through the shop and there was nothing that wasn't recklessly rubbing the Lord's face in their own sexual deviance, engagement with the Occult, or being a chicken—the greatest of all sins, committed by several of the pet shop's creatures, including the giraffe. They lamented this fact, for the giraffe appears such an innocent and sweet character! With its whiskers and tail. But alas! As the giraffe is also gravely guilty of “being a chicken,” in the Lord's eyes he is heathen and will perish the wrath of Satan.
They sought out an employee so that they might be freed of their woes. The employee was in the process of cleaning with a broom.
They said to the woman, “Can you help us?”
She turned to them and replied, “Fuck off, I'm trying to sweep you dickhead.”
Then she saw the sadness and pain in their eyes and the love of God touched her heart and she had a change of mind.
She said to the boys “I will help you. What is it that you need?”
Derek asked of her, “Is there any creature in this Pet Shop that is not heathen. Is there one among the animals that does not offend the Lord?”
And understanding the boys' woes she said to them, “Yes, there is one,” and she led them to a small cage containing several beetles.
“Here you will find the weevil.”
And they marvelled at the small but innocent creature and they bought two of them and brought them home.
But their troubles were not over, for they could not tell which one should belong to whom. They decided that as Patrick was the oldest, he had a claim to the greatest of the two of them. But which was the greatest? Only a contest held between the weevils would decide the answer to this most glorious question. And so it began, the world's smallest Olympics; with few events instead of many, with beetles instead of humans, and with only two weevils from the same family, rather than a large portion of humans from many of the nations of Earth.
They decided that before they began the contest, they would name them. One of them would be called “Fermented Bovine Urine” and the other would be “Greg” for these are the names that most please the Lord.
The first contest would determine which of the beetles was superior in strength. It would be a contest of who could lift the most pianos, for the family had many pianos, and lifting pianos would be a feat of strength indeed. The creature that went first would be Greg. Greg lifted one piano and was tired after doing so. But for he was of great determination he lifted a second. And then a third. After this he apologised to the boys and said that there was no more that he could do.
Fermented Bovine Urine went second and it clear from the beginning that he had little capacity to lift any piano whatsoever. He was saddened by his failure and wept, for he was of inferior strength.
The next competition was to determine how each of the weevils was with navigation. So they put each in turn into a maze of the boys' own construction. Greg, once again, was first, and he finished the maze within minutes.
Fermented Bovine Urine was the next contestant and he was less talented with navigation than Greg was, for he could not even make it past the first alligator-pit that had been installed. He wept once more that he was not capable of defeating Greg.
The next would determine their intelligence and so they were each given the same math problem.
“Surely” exclaimed Fermented Bovine Urine, “I can win this competition!”
But whereas Greg managed to provide the correct answer, Fermented Bovine Urine had merely drawn pictures of boobies for half an hour, and numbered them so that the boys might know he can count.
The next competition would determine which of them had greater musical talent. They would both sing a song for the boys, accompanied by their mother on the piano, and the boys would know who could sing with superiority.
Greg chose a piece of opera, and delivered with great competence. His voice was strong, his notes were on-pitch, his technique was at a professional level. Fermented Bovine Urine chose a punk-rock song and was disqualified.
The last and most important test was the competition to see who among the beetles was closest with the Lord. Greg stood up in front of the two boys and with no reference to the Holy Book, recited the entire Bible verbatim.
Fermented Bovine Urine felt the Lord in his heart, but whereas Greg was greatly dedicated to his relationship with Christ, he had spent little time on it. He instead read out select passages from Chad Kroeger's Wikipedia page.
It was now decided. Patrick was to own Greg, the greater of the weevils, and Derek was to own Fermented Bovine Urine. The two boys took each of the creatures to their rooms and put them in their individual cages.
The next day they started to notice a difference in each of their lives which they knew was directly caused by the introduction of the weevils into their homes. Derek, the owner of Fermented Bovine Urine had gone to school that day and had found that whereas in the past people would ignore him, they began to notice him and celebrate his existence. He had become a greatly popular boy at his school. Derek praised the Lord for his blessings and marvelled in the wonder of his Glory.
As the owner of Greg, Patrick's experience at school that day was different. Whereas in the past he had been ignored by his peers, now they would beat the living shit out of him and call him names. Patrick was enraged that his brother had been blessed and he had not, despite him owning the greater of the pets!
He cried out to the Lord, “Why, God? Why have you allowed me to suffer this way?”
But the Lord was trolling Atheists on Reddit and did not hear him.
The next day Derek was given a gift by a generous neighbour which was a new bicycle. This bicycle was faster, easier to control and a far smoother ride than any he had ever experienced. He praised the Lord for his blessings and marvelled in the wonder of his Glory.
Patrick's current bicycle got run over by a car whilst he was riding it and he was given several cuts and bruises and a completely broken spine.
He cried out to the Lord, “Why, God? Why have I been cursed so?”
But the Lord was browsing Redtube and did not hear him.
A week later Fermented Bovine Urine gave Derek a hug, and Derek was pleased for he knew that his life was filled with love and joy! He praised the Lord for his blessings and marvelled in the wonder of his glory.
Patrick, though he could no longer move, asked Greg for a hug, but the beetle mistook his words and stabbed him with a used needle. He contracted aides, and cancer of the aides and was stoned to death for being a homosexual by the members of his church.
In his final moments he cried out to the Lord, “Why, God? Why have you blessed my brother so and cursed me when my weevil was greater?”
But though the Lord could hear him, he was disinterested in Patrick and neglected him out of indifference.
You see, my children, there is a moral here. You must always choose the lesser of two weevils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52l6u1/two_boys_walk_into_a_pet_shop/
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i before e except after c

Great, now how am I supposed to spell "ice" again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52l6fb/i_before_e_except_after_c/
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3 legged Dog

A 3 legged dog walks into an old western salon, looks around, and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52l47n/3_legged_dog/
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Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged.

I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters.
(H/T Demetri Martin)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52l0ep/today_i_witnessed_an_amputee_being_hanged/
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I told my doctor I was having trouble sleeping

and he suggested I try white noise. Unfortunately not only did it make my sleep worse, I've also had *Mmmm Bop* stuck in my head now for the last three days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52l077/i_told_my_doctor_i_was_having_trouble_sleeping/
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So I bought a Galaxy Note 7 today..

This phone is the bomb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52kzcg/so_i_bought_a_galaxy_note_7_today/
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Two sisters

There were once two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge. One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because just after you were born, a petal fell on you."
"Bllaaarrarararraraaarg", says Fridge from the corner.
And yeah, there's a few versions of this, but I found I had posted this as my status on Facebook about 6 years ago (along with a statement that I had woken up my sleeping ex haha) and was reminded of it in memories. Got a chuckle from my past self and thought I'd see if I could do the same for you guys!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52kyux/two_sisters/
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate it's tit a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52kt4c/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
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Confucius says...

It is good to meet girl in park
but BETTER to park meat in girl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52kluh/confucius_says/
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A confused boy asks his father about sex

"Daddy, what's in between Mommy's legs?" the boy asks.
"Paradise, son." replies the dad.
The boy takes a minute to think, then asks "Daddy, what about your legs? What's in between those?"
"They key to paradise, son."
"Well, you better change the lock because the neighbor's got a copy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52kjoq/a_confused_boy_asks_his_father_about_sex/
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A man and a frog

One evening a man was taking a walk and was passing by a pet store. The pet store owner was stand in front holding a large frog.
As the man was passing, "Hey Mr. You want to buy this frog?" "No. I don't want to buy that frog"
Store owner says " This frog will give you the best blow job you ever had. If not, I will refund all your monet"
So the man buys the frog. What man could pass the chance for the best blow job.
Later that same evening, new frog owner's wife comes home.
She sees her husband in the kitchen. On the floor. Pots and pans all over the floor. Cook books open. Her husband and the frog.
Wife says, "Just what the hell are you doing?"
Husband looks up and says" If I can teach this frog to cook, you are out of here bitch!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52kjkr/a_man_and_a_frog/
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I told my gf she'd look hotter with her hair back.

Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
I don't know why she's so upset, I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend.
She has her whole life to get her hair back, I only have 153 days until Valentine's Day.
(Combined 2 jokes I heard plus added the last part).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52kixn/i_told_my_gf_shed_look_hotter_with_her_hair_back/
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I like my women like I like my wine

Eight years old and locked up in a cellar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52khkt/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_wine/
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If I had a dollar

for every time an idea got shot down in the meeting because "We don't have the budget", I would finally have the money to execute that idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52kg3e/if_i_had_a_dollar/
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If you know this one than we are probably friends.

* Man 1: Knock Knock.
* Man 2: Who’s there?
* Man 1: KGB.
* Man 2: KGB wh- *get’s slapped*
* Man 1: WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52kfsh/if_you_know_this_one_than_we_are_probably_friends/
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Jokes so Bad that They're Funny

The midget psychic broke out of prison. He was a small medium at large.
A boiled egg in the morning is really hard to beat.
Newspaper headline reads: Cartoonist found dead at home. Details are sketchy.
I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forget how it goes.
Here's a poem by a dog (Bo Burnham): Roses are grey, violets are another shade of grey, let's go chase cars.
The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late? A cold shoulder.
(I'll see myself out.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52keqm/jokes_so_bad_that_theyre_funny/
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How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52keqh/how_did_rihanna_find_out_chris_brown_was_cheating/
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I'm a simple mathematician...

I see 281x285, I like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52kenv/im_a_simple_mathematician/
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Three guys go skiing

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52kefs/three_guys_go_skiing/
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Two Italian Men Get On A Bus....

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52k9ok/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
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Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence..

For example
"Ben is in a hurry."
"Ben is in a coma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52k5ta/comas_can_really_change_the_meaning_of_a_sentence/
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Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?

*Everywhere*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52k5js/where_did_sally_go_when_the_bomb_went_off/
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Parrot Joke

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52k53d/parrot_joke/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome.
Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway.
The cops are quick though, and are just about to reach the entrance. There are three empty potato sacks lying against the wall.
"Quick! Hide!" The brunette says, and the three women each crawl into a bag.
A police man comes down the alleyway, looking around for any signs of the women. The potato sacks stick out to him-so he gives the one with the redhead a kick.
"Meow!" goes the redhead, doing her best imitation of a cat.
"Just an alley cat..." The police officer mumbles, moving onto the next bag and delivering a quick nudge with his foot.
"Woof!" Goes the brunette, imitating a dog.
"Just a stray..." The officer mumbles again, heading to the last bag, and giving it a light kick.
"POOOOE-TAYYY-TOOOEE" grunts the blonde.
_____
Edited to meet popular demand.
For those who don't get the joke, the redhead and brunette both mimic things that might be in an alleyway-a cat and a stray dog. The blonde however wonders "What would be in a potato sack? Potatoes!" and thus tries to blend in by announcing herself as a potato.
Edit Edit: I'm blond. I can make these jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52k45j/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_rob_a_bank/
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I needed a password eight characters long...

... so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52k3bn/i_needed_a_password_eight_characters_long/
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I accidentally ran over and killed my neighbor's cat today...

I was too scared to tell him to his face, so I left a note saying "curiosity was here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jvhf/i_accidentally_ran_over_and_killed_my_neighbors/
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How do Muslims like to make their pizzas spicy?

They add halalapeño.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jv34/how_do_muslims_like_to_make_their_pizzas_spicy/
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Use chemicals to remove polish and no one cares..

But use chemicals to remove Polish and you're literally Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jtru/use_chemicals_to_remove_polish_and_no_one_cares/
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Wells Fargo is taken to court by the US government...

...for secretly opening accounts for their customers. Right before the case the governement prosecutor suddenly goes missing. The government suspects that they have an unaccounted sollicitor on account of unsollicited accounts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jtly/wells_fargo_is_taken_to_court_by_the_us_government/
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My electronegativity class in college was such a blow off class!

I got an F on all my exams for the class, but I still managed to maintain a 4.0 GPA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jtdo/my_electronegativity_class_in_college_was_such_a/
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The retiring mailman

This mailman has worked the same neighborhood for decades, but the time came for him to retire. On his last day, everyone living there gives him a little something for the exceptional and consistent service - a few bucks, or a snack and the like.
Then he comes to the last house to deliver his final letter, and the lady of the house, an attractive blonde, opens, wearing nothing but a bathrobe, and invites him inside. She gives him ten bucks and a cake she baked for him, then invites him to the bedroom, her husband's out on a business trip, and besides, he deserves it for the good service he's done fr the neighborhood. Now, the mailman first turns her down, but with how insistent she is, eventually he gives in.
So, several wild hours later, the two are lying in the bed, both wearing satisfied smiles, but the mailman just doesn't quite get it. So he asks her "I know retirement gifts are customary here, but...why go to all this?"
So the woman smiles wider and explains. "See, before my husband left for his trip, I asked him what he thinks I should give you on your last day. And he said 'Fuck that guy, ten bucks is enough.' The cake, though? That was entirely my idea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jsio/the_retiring_mailman/
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My dad works as a banker at Wells Fargo. I asked him to open a checking account for me

A checking account? What do you need two checking accounts for? Are you sure you want three checking accounts and a saving account? Fine, I'll open four checking accounts, two savings accounts and a line of credit for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52js7s/my_dad_works_as_a_banker_at_wells_fargo_i_asked/
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What did the letter O say to the letter Q?

"For God's sake man, put some pants on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52js2m/what_did_the_letter_o_say_to_the_letter_q/
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I recently switched from Wells Fargo to a credit union...

...my banking got much simpler - bye all accounts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jqwv/i_recently_switched_from_wells_fargo_to_a_credit/
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On a bus one day.....

.....a man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to suck on the breast.
Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, "If you don't suck on, I will give it to the man next to us!" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 minutes of failed effort to get her child to breastfeed, the woman threatens her child again.
Finally the man clears his throat and says, "Look here woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off 6 stops ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jog0/on_a_bus_one_day/
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The Bouncer

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.
The doorman stops them and says, ‘Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jm8t/the_bouncer/
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Why did the midget get kicked off a nude beach?

People got seriously annoyed with him sticking his nose into everybody's business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jlk9/why_did_the_midget_get_kicked_off_a_nude_beach/
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I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater.

I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jjpq/i_had_my_stag_do_in_amsterdam_to_remember_the/
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Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

because it's the scenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jiv9/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
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A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities.

He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.
The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.
In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever.
He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again!Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl. Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen.
"What was that sound?" He asked. "What made it? Is it behind that door?"
The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk."
As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. "You have to tell me what it is," he begged.
"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk," said the monk.
The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl."Please tell me what made that sound," he said.
But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.
The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk. "I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound." The head monk just shook his head.
"I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said."Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.
The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."
The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky. He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded.
"Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world."The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.The head monk heard his answer and nodded.
"Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation." And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me."
And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise.
But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ji1q/a_man_was_driving_in_the_middle_of_nowhere_down_a/
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Why did Hitler blows his brains out?...

Because he saw his gas bill.
Also this joke isn't funny, one of my family members died in a concentration camp.
He went to take a piss and fell out of a tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jht3/why_did_hitler_blows_his_brains_out/
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A man sees a boy smoking and drinking

A man walks home late at night, and suddenly saw an 8-year old boy with a smoking cigarette, drinking from a half-empty bottle of scotch. Outraged, he screams at the kid:
"What the hell are you doing? Those things are very bad for you health, and you're far too young to even consider this!"
"My grandfather lived to 100 years", - replies the kid nonchalantly.
"Err, and did he smoke and drink all the time?" - asks the confused man.
"No, he always minded his own business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jhku/a_man_sees_a_boy_smoking_and_drinking/
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Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar.

Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar, watching a military parade on CNN.
Impressed by modern technology Charles XII says - "Man, if i had mechanised infratry like that I'd have kicked ass at the Poltava battle."
Darius replies - "And if i had artillery like that the Greeks wouldn't stand a chance at the battle of Marathon."
Napoleon sighs and says - "And if I had a propaganda machine like the CNN nobody would have found out about the Waterloo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jeuw/charles_xii_of_sweden_darius_of_persia_and/
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What's the name of the elite hacking group from Canada?

Anonymoose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jdo6/whats_the_name_of_the_elite_hacking_group_from/
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Grapes..

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?.. BREATHE IDIOT, BREATHE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jbgz/grapes/
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A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day

...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".
Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...
...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52jaiy/a_woman_was_breastfeeding_in_the_bus_the_other_day/
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I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to take part in a rape fantasy

She screamed NO!!
I said thats the spirit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52j8wz/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_she_wanted_to_take_part/
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Why is a miscarriage like a shitty pizza?

They're both cold upon delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52j7ut/why_is_a_miscarriage_like_a_shitty_pizza/
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Two Prostitutes (Kim & Chloe) walking down the street at night....

Kim says to Chloe, "Wait, someone is coming over." Chloe surprised and asks, "How can you tell? Its so dark out here." Kim explains, "You know I have this gift of smelling dick from a far." Chloe laughs and says, "No silly, I just burped."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52j15j/two_prostitutes_kim_chloe_walking_down_the_street/
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I heard Hillary paid a touching tribute at the 9/11 memorial...

...she collapsed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52j0qf/i_heard_hillary_paid_a_touching_tribute_at_the/
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Rick and Jerry went hunting

Rick and Jerry, after 2 days of tracking a buck, made their way into a clearing. both men are exhausted, getting little sleep during their expedition, and Rick decides that after the last 9 straight hours in the bush, he deserves to take a much needed bathroom break. after Jerry had finished gutting the buck, he realized that an hour had passed since Rick had left the clearing. worried, Jerry walked into the forest and found Rick, back against a tree and sitting as if in a chair. he had fallen asleep while he was taking a dump. Jerry, coming up with a great practical joke, runs back to the clearing and grabs the entrails. after getting back to Rick, he put the guts under Rick's backside. Jerry then walked back to their belongings and fired his rifle, and waited. Rick comes back to the clearing 5 minutes later, looking proud. Jerry, laughing to himself, asks, "so what took you so long?"
"well, I fell asleep while I was pooping and I musta pooped my guts out. but with luck on my side, and a little help from a stick, I got 'em all back in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52izxi/rick_and_jerry_went_hunting/
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To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but can't run!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52izuw/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
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A man buys himself a motorbike one day, as this was a long life dream of his...

The salesman gives him a tip, before letting him take off on his newly acquired vehicle; "if you apply Vaseline on it before it rains, it will protect the shine of the paint." The man stops at a local convenience store, and buys a jar of Vaseline for future use; which he puts inside his jacket's pocket.
He cruises the city for hours on his bike, and even picks up this sexy, quirky chick, and brings her for a ride. She gets him to drop her at home, and invites him in for dinner... "We have 1 rule of the house sort of thing. The first persons who talks, while within the confine of the house has to do the dishes."
They enter the house, and dirty dishes lay everywhere. The living room is full of hem, the hallway, the kitchen (aside from the dinner table)... They sit down to eat, and there were 4 persons at the the table. The mother, the sister, the lady he had given a ride to, and the father. The mother starts playing footsies with him under the table, and things get uncomfortable. He grabs the mother, throws her on the table, and fucks her brains out. The sister rips her shirt open, he grabs her throws her on the table and fucks her. The other woman looks at him with a smile, and fucks her on the table as well. Nobody, through all of this, uttered anything even close to being a word.
After all that, the biker looks outside, and it's starting to drizzle out there. He takes out his jar of Vaseline pensively, and the father starts to shout, "ok, ok, I'll do the fucking dishes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ivj9/a_man_buys_himself_a_motorbike_one_day_as_this/
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Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52itde/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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Paul has a shitty life...

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.
The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie.  Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade.  Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship.  Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.
Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job.  In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.
For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45).  Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.
On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers.  Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them.  The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05.  Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already.  53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints.  He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.
Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.
Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken conclusions: 1. he has to share the winnings with his friend Artie 50/50, and 2. His bitch of a wife ain't gonna let that happen. Paul decides to share this epiphany with Artie and the two of them sit down to figure out this problem, and after about a half hour the only conclusion that they can come to is Paul's Wife has got to go.
Artie being the good friend that he is tells Paul that he is willing to take care of the little problem himself, Artie never really liked Paul's wife anyway.  But Artie being the legal genius that he is wants to have some assurance that Paul is still gonna follow through his side of the plan and wants a contract. Paul agrees and pulls out the only piece of paper in his wallet, a one dollar bill and "Pays" Artie to off his wife.  And they come up with a plan.
40 min later the 2 of them drunkenly stumble through Paul's front door only to find Paul's wife up in the living room. She immediatly starts yelling "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!" "WHY ARE YOU SO DRUNK?"...... on and on she yells until finishes with "WELL IF YOU TWO ARE SUCH GOOD BUDDYS THEN YOU CAN SLEEP TOGETHER FOR ALL I CARE!" and slams the door to the bedroom.  They both look at each other, smirk, then immediately pass out on the couches.
The next day Paul awakes to find Artie gone, Artie knows better then to be found on the couch by Paul's wife in the morning.  Paul wakes with the biggest hangover that he has EVER experienced, but Paul knows that this day is this is the first day of a new life for him. His wife of course is in her typical mood, but Paul placates her all day with "yes, dear", "Of course, Dear", "I'll get right on it Dear." All the while feeling like crap.  That evening Paul puts his plan into motion and he begs his wife to go to the Safeway to pick up some pain killers and pepto for his still lingering hangover. Because he has been soo compliant all day his wife reluctantly goes. Little does she know this is the last shopping trip she will ever make. Paul quickly texts Artie "It's a go".
While Paul's wife is shopping in the Safeway Artie sneaks into the back seat of Paul's wife's Car and waits for her.  When paul's wife finally gets done with the shopping and gets out to the car, Artie pops up from the hiding place and grabs her around the neck and starts choking her to death.  At one point Artie thinks to himself this is taking way longer then it does in the movies. All the while she is violently twitching and struggling in the front seat. Eventually she succumbs to the strength Artie built up over all those years of construction labour.
Little does Artie know, but the store manager 35 year old Freddie has seen everything happen on the security cameras and has called the cops and ran outside to try to stop what Artie has done. Yet Freddie arrives just a little too late, in fact just as Artie is about to make his escape.
Artie, realizing that he has been seen by this guy running towards the car knows that he has to do something to get away, so he sprints to Freddie and with one swing knocks him out. Artie then full of fear and panic gets on top of Freddie and chokes him to death as well.  Unfortunately for Artie and Paul this gives the police time to arrive and Arrest him.
The next day the paper lands on Paul's doorstep with the headline "Artie Chokes two for a dollar at Safeway"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52iry4/paul_has_a_shitty_life/
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What do you give a man who has everything?

Penicillin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52iq1i/what_do_you_give_a_man_who_has_everything/
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What fruit did Hillary grind up in her juicer?

13 blackberries and 5 apples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ioq1/what_fruit_did_hillary_grind_up_in_her_juicer/
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If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face...

If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52inql/if_a_guy_says_youre_hot_hes_looking_at_your_body/
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A man walks into a bar

With a piece of asfalt in his hand, goes to the bartender and says "Ill take 2 beers, one for me and one for the road"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52imkx/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Nithe lookin horth...

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nithe eyeth, can I thee her earthz"? So he picks the
little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nithe earthz, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks Him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nithe mouf, can I thee her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should wephwase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ilpo/nithe_lookin_horth/
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What's the difference between a 4 year old and a bag of coke?

Eric Clapton would've never let a bag of coke fall out the window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52il6e/whats_the_difference_between_a_4_year_old_and_a/
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What is the design philosophy of the iPhone 7?

Jack off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ij07/what_is_the_design_philosophy_of_the_iphone_7/
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You know what's the common thing between iPhone 7 and the board on Titanic?

There is no room for Jack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52iirw/you_know_whats_the_common_thing_between_iphone_7/
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What's the difference between a redneck, and a SJW?

A redneck's trigger actually does something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ihi6/whats_the_difference_between_a_redneck_and_a_sjw/
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Two men are sitting at a bar in the United States, drinking beer

One turns to the other. "Where are you from, friend?"
"Ireland."
"Hey! I'm from Ireland too."
"Neat! What part are you from?"
"Munster."
"Oi! Me too!"
"No way! What part of Munster?"
"Killarney."
"You're kidding, that's where I'm from!"
"You gotta be kidding lad! Where did you go to school?"
"St. Mary's."
"I went to St. Mary's!"
"What are the odds?? What street did you live on in Killarney?"
"Down on Baker Street, right next door to the Callaghan family."
"I can't believe it, I lived on Baker Street next door to the Callaghan's too!"
The bartender has been listening to their conversation all night as she works. The next bartender comes in to relieve her. "Anything interesting going on tonight?" he asks. She replies,
"Not really. The O'Brien twins got drunk together again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52if8r/two_men_are_sitting_at_a_bar_in_the_united_states/
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The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming.

Its like she's never seen a penis before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52idb7/the_woman_next_to_me_on_this_rollercoaster_wont/
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I created a new word

Plagiarism
*just like 80% of the jokes on this page wink wink*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ica9/i_created_a_new_word/
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What is the only law that Hillary obeys?

The law of gravity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52iauc/what_is_the_only_law_that_hillary_obeys/
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My girlfriend asked me to stop singing The Monkees.

I thought she was lying, but then I saw her face...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52i8t0/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_the_monkees/
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I just got a really terrible circumcision

What a rip-off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52i761/i_just_got_a_really_terrible_circumcision/
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How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52i1zj/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archaeologist/
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Vegans who drink water disgust me.

That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52i05e/vegans_who_drink_water_disgust_me/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52hx43/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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I was nervous my first day in, so I walked up to the toughest guy in the cafeteria and knocked him out...

but I lost my job as a middle school teacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52hsxt/i_was_nervous_my_first_day_in_so_i_walked_up_to/
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I really needed something positive in my life

so I finally got tested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52hojl/i_really_needed_something_positive_in_my_life/
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.......

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52hnx1/an_18_year_old_italian_girl_tells_her_mom_that/
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In between her legs

A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy." "Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise." And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52hnay/in_between_her_legs/
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What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

One sells watches and one watches cells.
Credit to DBZ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52hllj/whats_the_difference_between_a_jeweler_and_a/
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I mowed the lawn today....

....and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "nothing". The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52hh9j/i_mowed_the_lawn_today/
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A radio station has a word contest...

A radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Brazil.
DJ: "99FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'".
DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Brazil: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"
The DJ cuts the caller short and takes other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "99FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, my name's Jeff!"
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "... you are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Brazil: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52he3j/a_radio_station_has_a_word_contest/
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Do you know the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52hc2g/do_you_know_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo/
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Went to a sausage party

It was the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ha2o/went_to_a_sausage_party/
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[Long, but original] Two brothers are catching up over a drink...

The older brother Dave is successful, hard-working and married with a family, a dog and a cat.  The younger brother Mike is a real nice guy, but he's kind of a fuck-up.  Having been too busy to catch up for weeks, they decide to meet up at the local bar.
Dave says, "Man, I'm sorry we haven't done this in a while.  I've been so stressed at work, and to top it off the sitter quits on me one week before I'm supposed to take the wife and kids to Europe.  I don't know how I'm going to arrange for someone to take care of the pets and look after mom with only a week's notice."
Mike says, "Hey, I'm not doing anything next week; let me take care of it for you!"  Dave replies, "That's real nice of you, and don't take this the wrong way... but the last time I asked you to do a favor for me you killed my goldfish.  This is a little more serious than 7th Grade, Mike."
Mike says, "I know I've been a real fuck-up, but hear me out: I've turned over a new leaf.  I'm a different man now, Dave.  I have a steady job, a beautiful girlfriend... I only ever drink a little on the weekends.  Let me do you this favor to make up for all those years of being such a dope."
Dave says, "I really don't like to do this, but I'm in a bind... so against my better judgment, the wife and I would be very appreciative if you would take care of things while we're away.  Thanks for coming through for me Mike."
When he lands in Europe, the first thing Dave does is pick up the phone and dial Mike to see how things are going.  Mike says, "Hey, how ya doin?! ... Listen, I'm really sorry big brother, but the cat is dead."
Dave says, "WHAT?! JESUS CHRIST, I'M NOT EVEN GONE FOR A DAY AND YOU JUST KILLED THE FUCKING CAT! THE WIFE AND KIDS LOVE THAT CAT! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL THEM?! You know the worst thing, Mike? You didn't even have the decency to let me enjoy my vacation for a single day. At the very least, lie to me, you piece of shit. Tell me the cat is on the roof.  Then the second day say, [bad, angry impression] 'HEY DAVE NOT MUCH GOING ON HERE, YEAH THE CAT'S STILL ON THE ROOF BUT TOMORROW I'M GOING TO CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT...' At least drag out my misery, you jackass."
[Long, uncomfortable pause]
Mike says, "Shit Dave, you're absolutely right.  I'm sorry.  I promise, I'm not going to let anything else interrupt the rest of your vacation.  I'll take care of everything and I bet I can even find a cat who looks just like snowball so you don't have to tell the girls anything."
Dave says, "I'm sorry for being so harsh on you little brother.  If you can get me out of this, all is forgiven.  By the way, how's mom doing?"
[Short pause]
Mike says, "Uhhhh, I think mom is on the roof."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52h9g2/long_but_original_two_brothers_are_catching_up/
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I was watching the news this morning when th presenter said...

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."
Gary, you filthy bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52h8w3/i_was_watching_the_news_this_morning_when_th/
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Blondes CAN count sheep

So sick of hearing blonde jokes, a blonde cut her long hair and dyed it brown.
The next day she drove out into the countryside where she came upon a flock of sheep crossing the road.
Stopping her car to watch the fluffy flock, she called out to the shepherd,
"Your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd was taken by the woman's beauty and said to her, "Yes".
So the woman said the first number that came into her head which was "436".
Shocked that she was somehow right, the shepherd said, "That's right. Yes, you can pick one of my flock."
After much thought and study of the flock, the woman selected what she thought was the cutest and most playful one to take home with her.
The shepherd turned to the woman and said,
"Now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52h8e8/blondes_can_count_sheep/
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Why did the squirrel swim on it's back?

To keep it's nuts dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52h73k/why_did_the_squirrel_swim_on_its_back/
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Hitler wasn't that bad.

C'mon, he killed Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52h5z4/hitler_wasnt_that_bad/
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I sexually identify as an attack helicopter.

Because I explode on impact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52h05n/i_sexually_identify_as_an_attack_helicopter/
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I have an EpiPen

I don't need it but I always keep it for sentimental value.
A friend of mines gave it to me as he was dying, I don't know why but it seemed very important to him I had it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52h00o/i_have_an_epipen/
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A friend told me that all apples were yellow...

I was like, "that's bananas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52gx1k/a_friend_told_me_that_all_apples_were_yellow/
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Girl with no arms or legs is sitting overlooking the ocean

A man walking past notices she's crying, says "what's wrong girl?" She responds, " I've never been kissed before " the man feels really bad for her and leans in and kisses her and leaves.
Another guy is walking past and notices the girl is upset and crying, he asks "what's wrong girl?", the girl responds "I've never been fingered before, and I can't even do it myself", the man takes a deep breath,  closes his eyes and starts to finger bash her.
Not long after, another man walks by, notices her crying and says "what's wrong?", the girl responds "it's just, I've never been fucked before".. There man pauses for a while, takes the girl out of her chair and launches her into the ocean and yells "now you're fucked!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52gv2q/girl_with_no_arms_or_legs_is_sitting_overlooking/
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I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis.

So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52gtis/i_set_up_an_internet_page_for_chinese_nazis/
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Dark humor is a lot like a child with cancer.

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52gow6/dark_humor_is_a_lot_like_a_child_with_cancer/
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What do you call masturbating on a plane

Hi-jacking
Never forget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52gis6/what_do_you_call_masturbating_on_a_plane/
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I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.

I knew should’ve put the oven on aloha setting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52geyj/i_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_last_night/
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Girl you make me feel like a Galaxy S7

Cause I want to explode in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52gczz/girl_you_make_me_feel_like_a_galaxy_s7/
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I tried to use a watch as a belt

But it's just a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52gb2q/i_tried_to_use_a_watch_as_a_belt/
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A kid asks his dad, "what's the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially'"?

His dad responds, "realistically you've heard this joke before, potentially, you will hear it again".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52g3xl/a_kid_asks_his_dad_whats_the_difference_between/
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I was paper-thin as a kid.

So I got ripped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52g2xv/i_was_paperthin_as_a_kid/
%
3 guys walked into a bar...

I was outside, i didn't see what happend...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52g2sq/3_guys_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Give a dog a bone and you've made a friend for the day,

teach a dog to bone and you'll have friends for life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52g2rs/give_a_dog_a_bone_and_youve_made_a_friend_for_the/
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A Scotsman is tending his flock of sheep... (long)

when he decides to take a nap under a nearby tree.
After he falls asleep, a young woman walking on a nearby road decides to play a joke on him.
She lifts up his kilt, takes a ribbon from her hair, ties it around his manhood, and leaves with a giggle.
After awhile the Scotsman wakes up and walks over by the bushes to take a wee.
He lifts up his kilt and is amazed to see a bright blue ribbon tied around his manhood.
without skipping a beat he says "well I don't know where you've been laddie, but I can see you won first prize!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52g15s/a_scotsman_is_tending_his_flock_of_sheep_long/
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Why did Joey fall of the swing?

Because he doesn't have arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Joey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52fyer/why_did_joey_fall_of_the_swing/
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A gorilla dies at the Zoo...

Just before the zoo opens. It's the only gorilla that that the zoo can afford, and it was by a large margin, the zoo's most popular attraction, so the owner goes to the former gorilla keeper and offers him an extra $300 every day if he'll put on a gorilla suit, go in the gorilla exhibit, and pretend to be a gorilla until the zoo can replace the deceased gorilla.
After a bout a week, word catches on that the gorilla has been acting more and more interesting, and people are coming in from all over the state to see the new gorilla. The zoo is getting more and more money, and due to this the former gorilla keeper asks for a raise of $200 more dollars a day to keep up the act. The zoo owner agrees, so long as the patronage keeps up.
Come another month, the interest in the gorilla has started to wear off, and the former keeper gets word. He creates an elaborate stunt to get more patrons and keep up his raise, by climbing over the enclosures fences, and climbing on top of the lions den. After dangling above the den for a good half hour, the man gets tired and slips into the den, and starts shouting "Help me! Help me I don't want to die!", Quickly a lion pounces on him and whispers in his ear "Shut the fuck up before you get us both fired!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52fy7b/a_gorilla_dies_at_the_zoo/
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What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52fw3c/what_do_you_call_a_gay_driveby/
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Strange that the chimney tends to survive a house fire.

as a cold reminder of where the fire should have been. -Jimeoin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52fu5y/strange_that_the_chimney_tends_to_survive_a_house/
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I unsubscribed from the official earthbending subreddit.

Getting tired of all these Internet Toph Guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ft67/i_unsubscribed_from_the_official_earthbending/
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How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart?

By taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52fnx8/how_can_a_redneck_tell_his_twin_sisters_apart/
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Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52fmzw/three_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/
%
Civil War Jokes you say?

I General Lee don't find them funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52fkqi/civil_war_jokes_you_say/
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The Nervous Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor for suggestions to help him do better in the future.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting
nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his a**.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take
this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52fjvq/the_nervous_priest/
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This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52fdow/this_is_the_transcript_of_a_radio_conversation_of/
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How is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery boy?

They both get close enough to smell it, but if they eat it, they'll be fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52fbxf/how_is_a_gynecologist_like_a_pizza_delivery_boy/
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!”, he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52fbpb/a_cowboy_rode_into_town_and_stopped_at_a_saloon/
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Terrorists now have a brand new state of the art weapon that can be hidden in plain sight

The Galaxy Note 7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52fa9e/terrorists_now_have_a_brand_new_state_of_the_art/
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new iPhone 7

son: Daddy, buy me the new iPhone 7
Dad: What is the magic word?
son: Natasha
Dad: who is Natasha
son: your lover
Dad: do you need also a case?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52fa1n/new_iphone_7/
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What does a bum call a dumpster.

A Bed and Breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52f9z4/what_does_a_bum_call_a_dumpster/
%
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't
even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.
Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied,
"I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52f8v4/two_old_guys_one_80_and_one_87_were_sitting_on_a/
%
What noise does a Russian Sheep make?

It Blyats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52f672/what_noise_does_a_russian_sheep_make/
%
What can fly but can't be given?

A fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52f5wy/what_can_fly_but_cant_be_given/
%
Gabe Newell should be the World President

He will prevent World War 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52f50e/gabe_newell_should_be_the_world_president/
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What's 7 inches and makes women submissive?

A knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52f4zz/whats_7_inches_and_makes_women_submissive/
%
Put the punchline in the title

How do you spoil a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52f4ts/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
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How a phone recall works.

Samsung: Send us your exploding phone.
Microsoft/Nokia: A software update will fix that.
Apple: You are using it wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ezoj/how_a_phone_recall_works/
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I have a sexual attraction and fetish for car races

I just love getting off to a good start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ez9p/i_have_a_sexual_attraction_and_fetish_for_car/
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Why was the 4 year old African kid crying?

He was having a mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ewv7/why_was_the_4_year_old_african_kid_crying/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?

The "P" is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52eu52/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_urinate/
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A priest, a pedophile and a rapist

A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. Then he sits down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52etyd/a_priest_a_pedophile_and_a_rapist/
%
My friends asked me what I liked about Switzerland

Well the flags a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52etvx/my_friends_asked_me_what_i_liked_about_switzerland/
%
Why does ACDC prefer Android to Apple?

She's Got The Jack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52eoxe/why_does_acdc_prefer_android_to_apple/
%
Why would I donate £2 to save a kid's life?

I'd rather spend that £2 on a condom to prevent a kid's life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52emrc/why_would_i_donate_2_to_save_a_kids_life/
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Person 1: "Have you seen that new movie about the tractor?"

Person 2: "No, but the trailer looks good."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52em5z/person_1_have_you_seen_that_new_movie_about_the/
%
Why couldn't Hillary Clinton keep up her US presidential campaign?

She was let down by a weak Constitution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ekfj/why_couldnt_hillary_clinton_keep_up_her_us/
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What's al Qaeda's favorite football team?

The New York Jets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52eisx/whats_al_qaedas_favorite_football_team/
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Buddies

This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.  His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, and the dishes aren't done. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas??  I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid idiot?"
“Because he’s thinking of getting married..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ei60/buddies/
%
A guy with a monkey walks into a bar...

A guy with a monkey on his shoulder walks into a bar. No one really pays him any attention. He walks up to the bar and asks for a drink. The monkey gets off his shoulder and heads over to a pool table. The monkey picks up the cue ball and then eats it.
"You're going to have to pay for another cue ball," the bartender says.
"Relax," the man says, "I will return with it in a few days."
3 days later, the man comes back with his monkey and hands the bartender the cue ball. He then sits down and orders a drink. The monkey gets off his shoulder. It grabs a peanut, sticks it up its butt, and then eats it.
"Why did he do that?" the bartender asks.
The man replies, "He likes to measure things now beforehand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52egsa/a_guy_with_a_monkey_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I was talking to my friend earlier.

I thought, "Why on earth are you called Earlier?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52efrs/i_was_talking_to_my_friend_earlier/
%
What is the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating?

Your Ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52efqb/what_is_the_most_sensitive_part_of_your_body_when/
%
A woman walks into a bar…

She sits down and orders a drink. "Just give me anything," she says. A female bartender, new on the job, notices the woman applying a thin layer of lipstick with trembling hands. "Are you… okay?"
"What this? This ain't anything new." She pauses. "It's the crime. This town seems overrun by it. Every day there is a new bad guy and who do they call to straighten things out?"
"The police?" asks the bartender innocently.
"Try again." The patron takes out her phone and places it on an adjacent bar stool. Then she kicks off one of her stilettos and begins pecking at her smartphone with her big toe.
The bewildered bartender whistles for her brother - owner and town local - to come check it out.
Suddenly, a gust of wind blows into the bar revealing the patrons silky red cape. "What the… Is that a cape you're wearing?" the bartender asks with wide eyes. But the patron seemed too involved in her phone and trembling lipstick application to answer. "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asks.
"Cali."
Finally, the bartender's brother comes out from the kitchen. "Who is that?" she asks him pointing at Cali. He responds, "Who her? That's just Super Cali, Fragile Lipstick. Texting with her toe, sis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ed20/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
With the iPhone 7 we have to charge the phone and the earphones, with the iphone 8 ...

... I think we'll also have to charge the charger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ed1e/with_the_iphone_7_we_have_to_charge_the_phone_and/
%
I walked in on my son trying to suck his own penis.

He jumped up, "Dad! It's not what it looks like!"
"Don't worry, son." I replied. "I've tried too."
He said, "Really?"
I said, "Yeah. But you woke up before I had the chance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ebit/i_walked_in_on_my_son_trying_to_suck_his_own_penis/
%
I got a papercut writing my suicide note.

It's a start.
-Steven Wright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52eakr/i_got_a_papercut_writing_my_suicide_note/
%
Donald and Hillary go into a bakery ..

Donald and Hillary go Into a
Bakery on the Campaign Trail
As soon as they enter the
bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how
clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything
and I don't even need to
lie.”
I will definitely win the
election.
Donald says to Hillary,
"That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an
honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of
the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and   I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts
and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks
for another one.
The owner gives him another
one.
Then Donald asks for a third
pastry and  eats that,
too.
The owner is starting to
wonder where the magic trick is and  asks, "What did you do with the
pastries?
Trump replies, "Look in
Hillary's pocket"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52e8oo/donald_and_hillary_go_into_a_bakery/
%
How do you get a fool to read something?

Mark it as NSFW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52e5ya/how_do_you_get_a_fool_to_read_something/
%
What's Hillary's favorite pizza place?

Little Seizures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52e5d3/whats_hillarys_favorite_pizza_place/
%
A kid asks his dad what the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially' is

A kid walks upto his dad. He asks him to explain the difference between the words realistically and potentially.
His father responds by telling him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. He then told him to also ask his sister whether she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. And he also told him to ask his brother whether he would sleep with Brett for a million dollars.
The kid asks everyone. He comes back and tells his dad that they all said yes.
His father responds that potentially, we're sitting on 3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two whores and a faggot in the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52e59u/a_kid_asks_his_dad_what_the_difference_between/
%
A sad, depressed guy is walking along the beach...

Suddenly he hears a booming voice from above, and it yells, "**DIG**!"
Confused, the man stops and he hears the voice again, this time louder. "**DIG**!"
So he immediately falls to his knees and starts digging in the sand. Suddenly he hits something solid. A buried chest. "**OPEN**!" Yells the booming voice.
So the man opens the chest to find hundreds of thousands of dollars inside. "**CASINO**!" Booms the voice.
So the man runs off the beach, flags down a cab and tells the driver to head to the nearest casino. After 20 minutes the cab arrives. "**ENTER**!" Booms the voice.
The man enters the casino. "**ROULETTE**!"
So the man heads straight to the roulette table and awaits further instruction. "**RED 21**!"
The man then puts the entire contents of the chest on red 21. The croupier spins the wheel and the result is black 4. The booming voice yells "**FUCK**!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52e0nr/a_sad_depressed_guy_is_walking_along_the_beach/
%
If you're cold, just stand in a corner...

They're usually 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52dveq/if_youre_cold_just_stand_in_a_corner/
%
War does not determine who is right...

...only who is left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52dson/war_does_not_determine_who_is_right/
%
A dead duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52dqnn/a_dead_duck/
%
I farted in my wallet

now i have gas money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52dpqf/i_farted_in_my_wallet/
%
I can't stand holocaust jokes, they hit too close to home. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.

He fell off one of the watchtowers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52dm9u/i_cant_stand_holocaust_jokes_they_hit_too_close/
%
What's the weather like in Iraq ?

Sunni in the North Shiite in the South﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52dili/whats_the_weather_like_in_iraq/
%
I saw a tranny in a miniskirt the other day

I thought, that shows a lot of balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52dh3s/i_saw_a_tranny_in_a_miniskirt_the_other_day/
%
Music is like candy

Just throw out the wrappers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52dgpy/music_is_like_candy/
%
THERE IS A THIN LINE BETWEEN 911..

AND 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52dfl1/there_is_a_thin_line_between_911/
%
I tried to eat a clock once...

But it was very time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52dcs8/i_tried_to_eat_a_clock_once/
%
What did the reverend say before eating his salad?

Lettuce Pray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52dbdc/what_did_the_reverend_say_before_eating_his_salad/
%
Great Mystery

Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?"
Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?"
Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52daxg/great_mystery/
%
A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex.

Unfortunately the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52d6sn/a_new_study_has_shown_that_women_who_get_more/
%
What's the boob of a nun called?

Sanctity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52d4ab/whats_the_boob_of_a_nun_called/
%
Dirty Old Man

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe  courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up, he said... "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52d23n/dirty_old_man/
%
The smartest dog

One day, two women were arguing about whose dog is smarter.
The first woman says, "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper-boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
The second woman replies, "I know.."
The first woman, surprisingly ask, "How do YOU know?"
The second woman says, "My dog told me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52d20l/the_smartest_dog/
%
Why couldn't the laptop go to sleep?

Because it has two shifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52d0si/why_couldnt_the_laptop_go_to_sleep/
%
Wrong email address.

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
*Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.*
*P.S. Sure is hot down here.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52d042/wrong_email_address/
%
An old bosnian joke my dad told me.

Theres a man named haso and its his first day on the job as a taxi driver and he just picked up a tourist
as they're driving around the tourist sees a building that he thinks is absolutely beautiful
the tourist gently reaches forward and taps haso on the shoulder and haso spins the car out of control, crosses 3 lanes of traffic, hits a car, and crashes into a light pole
the tourist then says: "i'm so sorry! i didn't think gently tapping you on the shoulder would cause you to lose control like that! You probably get robbed pretty often in your city."
Haso says: "Oh, go fuck yourself ! Today is my first day of work as a taxi driver. The last 20 years I drove a hearse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52czm5/an_old_bosnian_joke_my_dad_told_me/
%
IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me”.
“That’s great! What about the name of the clinic?”
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”
“You mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s it!”
Then he turned to his wife and asked: “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52cy5p/improve_your_memory/
%
Why did the porn star end up in the E.R.?

One too many blows to the head.
My only original joke.  I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52cxnd/why_did_the_porn_star_end_up_in_the_er/
%
My dad was always drunk when I was a kid

The punchline?
It was my mom, then my sister, then me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52cx8g/my_dad_was_always_drunk_when_i_was_a_kid/
%
Why would anyone ever want to fly Virgin Airlines?

The last thing you want to do is get on a plane that doesn't go all the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52cwf7/why_would_anyone_ever_want_to_fly_virgin_airlines/
%
The police didn't believe me when I told them I found a flying carpet...

They called the whole thing fabricated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ctg8/the_police_didnt_believe_me_when_i_told_them_i/
%
The teacher asks little Johnny to tell the class what he thinks sex is

Little Johnny was getting to that age, so in class the teacher wanted to know how much each student knew about sex. For that, she asked everyone to explain sex as they understood it.
First, little Mary explained it with the classic Birds and the Bees speech. "Good job, Mary", said the teacher.
Not to be outdone, little Johnny said he also knew a story to explain sex. "Go ahead", said the teacher, a little wary.
"A long time ago, the Lone Ranger was chasing a band of robbers that had terrified a couple of towns for months. They were such a big problem that the towns banded together and offered a reward of pure gold to whoever could catch them. The Lone Ranger heard about this, and after a long chase and a hard-fought battle, he managed to capture the band. The townspeople gave him the gold in thanks.
Thinking to treat himself a little, the Lone Ranger decided to give the gold to a blacksmith so he could melt it and make him spurs and a ranger badge. But the blacksmith was a bad guy, so he made the spurs and badge out of copper, painted them, and kept the gold for himself.
When the Lone Ranger came to pick them up, he didn't check them much so he happily rode off with the copper spurs."
"And that, Miss, is sex".
Thoroughly confused by now, the teacher asked him: "Little Johnny, how is that sex?"
"Well, the Lone Ranger really got fucked didn't he?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ct7a/the_teacher_asks_little_johnny_to_tell_the_class/
%
Why was Heisenberg's wife unhappy?

Whenever he had the energy, he didn't have the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52cp3r/why_was_heisenbergs_wife_unhappy/
%
A frog walks into a bank...

...and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52cmj8/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank/
%
A pregnant woman goes into a coma

moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children.
The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them".
She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
And she thinks, “Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name"
What did he name the boy?"
Replies the doctor "De nephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ckeb/a_pregnant_woman_goes_into_a_coma/
%
What do you call the boyfriend of a beheaded prositute?

The headless whore's man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ck11/what_do_you_call_the_boyfriend_of_a_beheaded/
%
A Family Walks Into A Hotel...

The Father walks up to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled"
The man at the desk replies "no, it's just regular porn you sick cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ci3u/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
What did Zeus wear beneath his toga?

Thunderwear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52cgmn/what_did_zeus_wear_beneath_his_toga/
%
3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but no lighters or matches or anything to light it with.What do they do?

They throw one cigarette over board and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52cf74/3_guys_are_on_a_boat_and_they_have_4_cigarettes/
%
What is crucial to any joke about ISIS?

The execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52c8mj/what_is_crucial_to_any_joke_about_isis/
%
A blonde and a redhead watch the news...

A blonde woman and a redhead woman went to lunch. They had
to wait for their table so they sat in the bar and had a drink. The
TV was on and they noticed the news was showing a man on a
rooftop threatening to jump. The redhead told the blonde "I
bet you 50 bucks he jumps." The blonde replied "You're on."
Sure enough the man jumped, so the blonde starts to dig out her
money.
The redhead felt kind of bad so she said "That's okay, I
cheated. I saw this on the 10 o'clock news last night." The
blonde turned to her and said "Well so did I, but I didn't think
he would jump twice in a row!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52c5ng/a_blonde_and_a_redhead_watch_the_news/
%
Dad cooks venison and doesn't tell the kids what it is

He gives them one hint:
"It's what your mother calls me"
The boy yells:
"It's a FUCKING DICK! Don't eat it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52c43f/dad_cooks_venison_and_doesnt_tell_the_kids_what/
%
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?

Tenants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52c2zl/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_fill_an_apartment/
%
They ran out of bread at the Indian restaurant, but it turned out nobody cared.

It was a naan issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52c2ub/they_ran_out_of_bread_at_the_indian_restaurant/
%
What do you call a bull masturbating?

Beef stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52c0xx/what_do_you_call_a_bull_masturbating/
%
The Online Biology Class

I almost got expelled in an Online Biology crash course earlier. They asked me what the major constituent of cells are.
Turns out, "black people" is NOT a good answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52byyu/the_online_biology_class/
%
I have somewhere around 300 karma

I intend to drop it to 0 by having human-like opinions on the wrong subreddits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52btva/i_have_somewhere_around_300_karma/
%
My vaccume cleaner sucks because it doesn't suck...

Unlike my other vaccume cleaner, which doesn't suck because it sucks.
(co-writing credit to smarties pants u/lord_of_the_realm)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52bssg/my_vaccume_cleaner_sucks_because_it_doesnt_suck/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

and a table and a chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52bsmp/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Jehovah's Witnesses are like testicles

They come in pairs, one is always bigger than the other, they keep knocking on the door but never get in, and if they do, shits about to get freaky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52bh1r/jehovahs_witnesses_are_like_testicles/
%
One time in medieval England ...

One time in medieval England, there was a Lord who opposed hunting. One day, he issued a verdict that forbade hunting on his land. The peasants were angry, but the economy soon recovered.
But within a few years, wild animals were overpopulating and began traveling into the fields and eating the crops. Peasants once more began to protest, but the Lord ignored them.
Soon, the peasants could not grow food because the animal population was eating everything they planted. A large group stormed the castle, demanding the Lord end the ban, but he refused, and they killed him.
This marked the only time in history that a reign was called because of the game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52bgy0/one_time_in_medieval_england/
%
I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language...

...entirely out of tattoos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52bfgc/i_think_its_pretty_cool_how_the_chinese_made_a/
%
Why don't atheists use exponents?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52bd2f/why_dont_atheists_use_exponents/
%
A flat earth conspiracist was boasting about how many people believe that the Earth is flat...

He said, “We have supporters all around the globe!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52bbsq/a_flat_earth_conspiracist_was_boasting_about_how/
%
Everyone needs to chill the hell out about Roe V. Wade.

Honestly, they're both valid ways to get across water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52baf5/everyone_needs_to_chill_the_hell_out_about_roe_v/
%
You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health?

I'm voting for the dying one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52b8ig/youre_saying_that_the_two_people_i_dont_want_for/
%
My boss asked me which Game of Thrones house he'd best be placed in...

I told him House Lannister because it only takes one hand to go fuck yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52b836/my_boss_asked_me_which_game_of_thrones_house_hed/
%
There's a new movie coming out about people who take a long time to orgasm...

It hasn't released yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52b5p9/theres_a_new_movie_coming_out_about_people_who/
%
You can't run through a campground...

...you can only ran, because it's passed tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52b2t2/you_cant_run_through_a_campground/
%
What do Hillary Clinton and Reddit have in common?

They are both majority owned by Saudi Arabia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52b26m/what_do_hillary_clinton_and_reddit_have_in_common/
%
Give a girl a plane ticket...

... and she'll fly for a day.
Push a girl from a plane, and she'll get to fly for the rest of her life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52b1ew/give_a_girl_a_plane_ticket/
%
An iPhone 7 walks into a bar ...

I'll have a Jack please!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52aytt/an_iphone_7_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My nine year old's yo momma joke

Yo momma so fat her patronus is a cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ax6d/my_nine_year_olds_yo_momma_joke/
%
Why did the kid only water half the lawn?

Because there was a 50% chance of rain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52atpm/why_did_the_kid_only_water_half_the_lawn/
%
Honey, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the penguin pooped in the bathtub.

Wife: "But we don't *have* a penguin!"
Me: "And now for the good news...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ascp/honey_i_have_good_news_and_bad_news_the_bad_news/
%
A horse walks into a bar and says, “On a right-angled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?”

The bartender says, “Y, the long face.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52aqfs/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_on_a/
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A girl with no arms or legs was on a beach...

...As a man walked pass her she started crying. The man asked, "Whats the matter, dear?" The girl replied with "I've never been hugged before." So the man hugs her and the girl starts crying again. The man asks "Whats wrong now?" The girl replies with "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her and the girl starts crying yet again. So the man asks, "Whats the matter now?" The girl replies with, "I've never been fucked before." So the man picks her up and throws her into the ocean and says "You're fucked now."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ao8p/a_girl_with_no_arms_or_legs_was_on_a_beach/
%
I have two kids, five and seven

Silly names I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52alnc/i_have_two_kids_five_and_seven/
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Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52akj1/is_sex_work/
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A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex...

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."
The husband says, "OK if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52aka8/a_deaf_couple_wants_to_know_when_to_have_sex/
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The zookeeper said he'd tell me where the bathroom is located if I can say the alphabet.

"A B C E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z"
He asks: "where's the D?"
"It's out for Harambe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52aj56/the_zookeeper_said_hed_tell_me_where_the_bathroom/
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My friend fell into the gelatto machine.

Ice creamed in terror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ai5w/my_friend_fell_into_the_gelatto_machine/
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Two men were lost in the desert...

When they come across a road, and a headstone.
"Look here!" the first man, Frank, said," Some guy's been buried here. Poor sod, he was only 15."
"Who was he?" Inquired the second man, Fred.
"Some kid named Miles from Bakersfield," answered Fred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52afh3/two_men_were_lost_in_the_desert/
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I had to divorce my wife when I went blind.

I just couldn't see myself with her anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52adr0/i_had_to_divorce_my_wife_when_i_went_blind/
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What Saudi funded event ended in a massive collapse on 9/11?

Hillary Clinton's campaign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52accu/what_saudi_funded_event_ended_in_a_massive/
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What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common?

Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52ab04/what_do_hillary_clinton_and_the_world_trade/
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After witnessing the second coming of Jesus.

My life has changed. I have decided not to watch Mexican Porn again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52a7tw/after_witnessing_the_second_coming_of_jesus/
%
Why are the twin towers and genders so similar?

Because there used to be 2 of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52a6ws/why_are_the_twin_towers_and_genders_so_similar/
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What do you call a 53 year old who has sex with a 9 year old?

1.6 billion people call him Muhammad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52a6u9/what_do_you_call_a_53_year_old_who_has_sex_with_a/
%
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

Stand back! I don't know how big it's going to get!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52a1i4/what_was_the_first_thing_adam_said_to_eve/
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A woman is talking to her sexologist.

She complains that her husband is just not passionate anymore. The sexologist gives her a viagara and tells her to slip into her husband's glass of wine at dinner time and to come back to tell her how it went. Two weeks later the woman comes back looking a little frustrated. The sexologist asks her: you don't look so pleased. Was your husband not horny enough? The woman says: oh yes he was. Right in the middle of the meal he put down his pants, violently cleared the table and fucked me so hard I'm still sore. The sexologist asks her: so what's the problem? The woman says: well, we were kicked out and told never to go back to that restaurant again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52a0v9/a_woman_is_talking_to_her_sexologist/
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I saw the chief of a New York City police on the news

I saw the chief of New York City police on the news, he said "We will never forget 9/11"
I said "Well I sure fuckin' hope not it's your phone number"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52a0i0/i_saw_the_chief_of_a_new_york_city_police_on_the/
%
What's AlQaeda's favorite football team?

The New York Jets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/529wyt/whats_alqaedas_favorite_football_team/
%
I got mugged yesterday...

The mugger said, “Give me your money or you’re science.”
I said, “Don’t you mean history?”
He said, “Don’t try and change the subject.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/529v9o/i_got_mugged_yesterday/
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Why Was Jill upest about the new iphone?

because there was no jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/529v8r/why_was_jill_upest_about_the_new_iphone/
%
How to fall down the stairs:

Step 1
Step 2
Step 4
Step 7
Step 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/529sue/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
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Someone complimented me on my driving today

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/529qh4/someone_complimented_me_on_my_driving_today/
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Why can’t atheists solve exponential problems?

Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/529q89/why_cant_atheists_solve_exponential_problems/
%
Roses are red...

Violets are violet,
That guy who hit that skyscraper was a really bad pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/529ohw/roses_are_red/
%
Finding girls is like playing blackjack.

I always try to go for 21 but end up hitting on 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/529mzm/finding_girls_is_like_playing_blackjack/
%
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/529lph/ive_finally_worked_out_why_spain_is_so_good_at/
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If attacked by a mob of clowns...

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/529kr0/if_attacked_by_a_mob_of_clowns/
%
A dyslexic man...

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/529izw/a_dyslexic_man/
%
What did the bad rapper get for Christmas?

J Coal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/529dmc/what_did_the_bad_rapper_get_for_christmas/
%
Jokes about unemployed people are not funny

They just don't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5296hk/jokes_about_unemployed_people_are_not_funny/
%
Why are Americans so bad at chess?

They already lost two towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5295m0/why_are_americans_so_bad_at_chess/
%
A kindergarten has a class pet, a mouse named Mister Squeaky

Mister Squeaky is a staple of the class, having been around for almost ten years. Every weekend, a different child takes him home to take care of him. One Sunday morning, a mom sees Mister Squeaky lying dead at the bottom of his cage. She rushes to the petstore and explains that she needs a replacement mouse. The man behind the counter pulls out a shoebox marked "MISTER SQUEAKY LOOK-ALIKES", pulls out a mouse and says "Here you go - that's the third one this month."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5294gk/a_kindergarten_has_a_class_pet_a_mouse_named/
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I was casually playing while my teammate wrote "I fucked your mom last night" I replied "no you didn't"

Then my dad ran into my room and told me that he indeed did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/529390/i_was_casually_playing_while_my_teammate_wrote_i/
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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, who will be henceforth be addressed as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, henceforth addressed as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.
Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact actually becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).
NB: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so with the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5292vy/how_many_lawyers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I really want to kill my roommate

but I just dont know if I could live with myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5292fl/i_really_want_to_kill_my_roommate/
%
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living

.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5290t1/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
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What does toilet paper and office paper have in common?

You can write on both of them with a No. 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528yku/what_does_toilet_paper_and_office_paper_have_in/
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My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn’t a good idea.

The steaks would be too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528xej/my_friend_lives_in_colorado_and_wanted_to_start/
%
Mary had a little lamb.

The event made medical history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528wmj/mary_had_a_little_lamb/
%
Me: What would you do if we won the lottery? Wife: I would take my half, leave you and live happily by myself.

Me: Promise?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Great, we won a 100 Pounds, here’s your 50. Pack your bags.
And that’s when the fight started…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528t9f/me_what_would_you_do_if_we_won_the_lottery_wife_i/
%
My teacher told me that I am unique

But when I told my mom what my teacher said she replied," Sweetie, just because you are autistic doesn't make you special".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528q94/my_teacher_told_me_that_i_am_unique/
%
Someone stole my mood ring

I'm not sure how I feel about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528pgf/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...

Yes, three times in 35 years"
-Bob Monkhouse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528oz2/with_my_wife_it_was_sex_sex_sex/
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When the smog clears over Los Angeles...

... U.C.L.A.
I am not at all sorry for this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528mss/when_the_smog_clears_over_los_angeles/
%
How do you know when it is bedtime at a pedophile's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528mqv/how_do_you_know_when_it_is_bedtime_at_a/
%
A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie.

A few minutes into the movie, he asked her, "Can you see OK there?"
"Yes," she answered, "I can see fine, thanks."
A few seconds later, he asked, "Is your seat comfortable?"
"Yes," she replied, "it's very comfortable, thanks"
"You're not in any draught, are you?"
"No," she said, impressed by his attentiveness, "I can't feel a draught at all."
"Good," he said.
"Let's swap seats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528k1p/a_young_man_took_a_girl_out_on_their_first_date/
%
I had a bad audition...

...but I acted like I didn't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528jnm/i_had_a_bad_audition/
%
The early bird might get the worm, but

The second mouse *always* gets the cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528euq/the_early_bird_might_get_the_worm_but/
%
Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand...

...in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528eh2/sometimes_to_impress_girls_i_use_big_words_that_i/
%
How do you organise a bukkake?

You don't, everyone just comes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528ee5/how_do_you_organise_a_bukkake/
%
Police have arrested a cat for robbery

Guess they've identified the purrpetrator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528cy9/police_have_arrested_a_cat_for_robbery/
%
Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?

A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR..... it's SHOWTIME!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/528br6/q_what_is_the_difference_between_an_underwear_a/
%
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5288ob/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
%
What did Donald Trump hate most about school?

Essays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5286bt/what_did_donald_trump_hate_most_about_school/
%
Why should men not engage in esports while horny?

They get erekt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5284vc/why_should_men_not_engage_in_esports_while_horny/
%
The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5284ja/the_other_day_a_girl_asked_me_if_i_like_breasts/
%
An accidental time traveler falls in a wormhole

He emerges into a building in chaos, people running and screaming.  Bodies crashing to the pavement outside
"OH FUCK!"  He screams.  It must be September 11 2001!!
A man screams in return "No you fool! It's October 24th,1929!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5283ds/an_accidental_time_traveler_falls_in_a_wormhole/
%
Took my girlfriend to the ice cream factory and she fell into the gelato machine

She's a sore bae now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5281rv/took_my_girlfriend_to_the_ice_cream_factory_and/
%
Why are 9/11 victims the best readers?

They can go through 94 stories in seconds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5281i1/why_are_911_victims_the_best_readers/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I had sex

I'd be a cheap prostitute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5281gr/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_had_sex/
%
Lif...

...is too short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527z3e/lif/
%
Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527wp3/somebody_told_me_my_clothes_were_gay/
%
Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527vs1/why_did_the_stormtrooper_buy_an_iphone/
%
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A "Roman" Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527vmv/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
%
A woman born without any arms or legs was lying on the beach crying

A man walked by and asked her what's wrong. She said, "I'm just a little depressed. I see all these couples being romantic and I've never been kissed myself."
The man, feeling sorry for her, leans in and kisses her. Pressing her luck, the woman says "I've never been fucked either."
So the man picks her up, turns her over, then throws her into the water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527v7r/a_woman_born_without_any_arms_or_legs_was_lying/
%
So my biology teacher asked me what are in cells...

I said "black people" and somehow that wasn't right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527uro/so_my_biology_teacher_asked_me_what_are_in_cells/
%
My plumber insists on personally using every toilet he just installed.

His mission is to boldly go where no one has gone before.
Sorry Gene.  We still love you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527ung/my_plumber_insists_on_personally_using_every/
%
"You don't have to press the buttons harder to go faster"

Said no gamer ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527u31/you_dont_have_to_press_the_buttons_harder_to_go/
%
One night Raul comes back home totally drunk and falls into bed beside his sleeping wife.

Later he sees himself at the pearly gates of heaven. There, he is told that he had died in his sleep. Raul protests 'but I love life. You cannot let me die. Please'. After pleading he is told he can return on one condition; he has to return as a chicken. Raul, loving life and devoid of choices accepts it. Sure enough he feels his body covered in white feathers. He feels something weird in his belly. He looks around at the other chicken who tell him that he was about to give birth. A little later he lays an egg. It felt immaculate to give life. Another egg follows and a third one comes out. Raul is ecstatic. He never thought he would enjoy being a chicken so much. All of a sudden someone taps him on the shoulder. It is his wife screaming 'Raul you retard. You are shitting in bed'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527rd8/one_night_raul_comes_back_home_totally_drunk_and/
%
How many Google plus users does it take to change a lightbulb ?

All of them actually . Two to hold the ladder and one to change the lightbulb .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527r4t/how_many_google_plus_users_does_it_take_to_change/
%
I was going to invest in the Microsoft HoloLens but...

...Their projections weren't very good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527qhf/i_was_going_to_invest_in_the_microsoft_hololens/
%
Faithfull

After having died, a couple souls flied to the heaven gate, St.Pierre opened the door and informed that for one time of unfaithfulness to each other in their life they will be prod by a needle.
After being prod 5 times, the wife turned to ST.Poerre and asked:
“Where is my husband?”
“He is lying on the sewing-machine table” St.Pierre replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527om8/faithfull/
%
Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the building on the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527mqy/why_did_the_console_peasant_cross_the_road/
%
9/11 jokes are just...

Plane wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527mhh/911_jokes_are_just/
%
I rear-ended a guy on the way to work today

Rectum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527lqa/i_rearended_a_guy_on_the_way_to_work_today/
%
why is everyone posting about 9/11?

It's still 2 months away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527l7k/why_is_everyone_posting_about_911/
%
Always marginalised and discriminated against in favour of their blue counterparts, it's about time we started treating them with the respect they deserve.

Black Levi's Matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527hio/always_marginalised_and_discriminated_against_in/
%
Carving a boob into a tree would be pretty cool,

Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527gcg/carving_a_boob_into_a_tree_would_be_pretty_cool/
%
Knock knock

-Who's there?
9/11
-9/11 who?
I thought you said you'd never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527g2l/knock_knock/
%
Why did 10 die?

Cuz he was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527foi/why_did_10_die/
%
You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527eui/you_know_when_you_get_that_urge_to_eat_something/
%
Yasser Arafat calls George Bush the morning of 9/11.

"Speaking in behalf of all my population, I am truly sickened by the tragedy that happened and I wanted to assure you that we do not condone terrorist acts in any form or way."
"Sorry Yasser, but what are you talking about?"
"Oh shit guys why didn't you remind me of the different timezone?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527dka/yasser_arafat_calls_george_bush_the_morning_of_911/
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I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527c4s/i_can_count_the_number_of_times_ive_been_to/
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Why do I watch the Cosby show?

I enjoy dark humour.
Yes, this was both a rapist and racial joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/527axc/why_do_i_watch_the_cosby_show/
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If I got 50 cents for every math exam I failed...

I’d have $7.35 now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5279bs/if_i_got_50_cents_for_every_math_exam_i_failed/
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Walking on water

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him back into the boat and safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me farder, his farder, and his farder before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye farder, ye grandfarder and ye great-grandfarder were all born in January, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya bloody idiot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5278vo/walking_on_water/
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To anyone who says white people can't jump...

You obviously haven't seen footage of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5277p8/to_anyone_who_says_white_people_cant_jump/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52721i/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5270nn/how_to_get_rich/
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What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a rap artist

art

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526yqs/whats_the_difference_between_bill_cosby_and_a_rap/
%
It turns out the iPhone 7 is illegal.

It got de-ported

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526vzi/it_turns_out_the_iphone_7_is_illegal/
%
Whats the difference between jelly and jam?

You can't jelly a dick in someones mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526pyj/whats_the_difference_between_jelly_and_jam/
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Voodoo Dick

A man is going away on a business trip and is afraid that his wife will be unfaithful while he is gone.  In order to satisfy her needs while he is away, he goes browsing in a sex toy shop to find something special for her.
"Sir, I need a toy that will satisfy my wife, who has an incredible sex drive." Says the man. The store owner says "I have just the thing."  He pulls out a glowing box from underneath the counter. He opens it up and inside is a dildo that has a mysterious glow around it. The store owner says "watch this."  He looks at the dildo and says "voodoo dick! The keyhole!" The dildo magically rises up out of the box and flies over to the keyhole and furiously penetrates it back and forth.
The man, amazed, must have it. He gives the store owner his credit card as the store owner puts the dildo back into the box.
The man brings it home for his wife and demonstrates on the keyhole the same way the store owner did. His wife is delighted and he grabs his bags and leaves for his trip.
Later that night, his wife decides to use it. She takes out the box and opens it. "Voodoo dick! My pussy!" The dildo magically rises up and begins to penetrate her back and forth. She screams with pleasure for hours until she can't take anymore. She tries to remove it but the magically voodoo dick is too powerful. She panics and decides to drive to the sex toy store to figure out how to stop it.
While she's driving, the voodoo dick hasn't stopped. It is still going wild on her. She is swerving and speeding completely out of control. She sees lights behind her and pulls over to the side of the road. A police officer approaches her window and asks "mam, have you been drinking tonight?" She says "no, officer! I have this voodoo dick inside of me!"  He responds "yeah. Voodoo dick, my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526mzm/voodoo_dick/
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Ever since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse, I will need to let her back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526mod/ever_since_it_started_snowing_all_my_grandma_has/
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How do you find and old man in the dark?

Just feel around. It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526lr5/how_do_you_find_and_old_man_in_the_dark/
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A women is at home when she hears someone knock on the door

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock on the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock on the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock on the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer 'yes' to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes" she says. The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526hrx/a_women_is_at_home_when_she_hears_someone_knock/
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What did the sign say at a strip club

Business doing pleasure for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526hdp/what_did_the_sign_say_at_a_strip_club/
%
What type of milk is swiss cheese made of?

Whole milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526ha2/what_type_of_milk_is_swiss_cheese_made_of/
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A man has been found guilty of overusing commas,

the judge warned him to expect a very long sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526gkd/a_man_has_been_found_guilty_of_overusing_commas/
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What do you call a Nun that has a sex change operation?

A Transistor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526fgp/what_do_you_call_a_nun_that_has_a_sex_change/
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"There's a guy that jumped off the Pont Neuf!"

He must be in Seine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526fcj/theres_a_guy_that_jumped_off_the_pont_neuf/
%
How do teenage boys keep warm?

Jackit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526duo/how_do_teenage_boys_keep_warm/
%
It's a bird! It's a plane!

It's.... Oh shit, it *is* a plane!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526dto/its_a_bird_its_a_plane/
%
Why does the left foot get all the blame if you're a poor dancer? "Oh, you have two left feet. Hur hur hur"

I guess it is #rightprivilege

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526cwn/why_does_the_left_foot_get_all_the_blame_if_youre/
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Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526c58/fun_idea/
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I am proud to announce that I have developed a foundation to aid abused women

It's real thick to hide the bruises

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526boy/i_am_proud_to_announce_that_i_have_developed_a/
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What do you call a smart guy in US?

A tourist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/526bdd/what_do_you_call_a_smart_guy_in_us/
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Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport?

Because the best you can get is bronze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5269xd/why_isnt_suntanning_an_olympic_sport/
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“As one door closes, another one opens,” he said.

“That’s all well and good,” I said, “But until you fix it, I’m not buying the car.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5269go/as_one_door_closes_another_one_opens_he_said/
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2 dads walk into a bar...

One turns to the other and says "that hurt".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5265kc/2_dads_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A pedophile and a little boy...

A pedophile and a little boy walk into the woods.
The little boy says *"Gee mister, it's dark out here. I'm scared!"*
The pedophile replies *"You're scared?! I have to walk out of here alone!"*
My father has a dark sense of humor..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5265fx/a_pedophile_and_a_little_boy/
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What's the most popular sports channel in Mexico?

ESPÑOL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52652c/whats_the_most_popular_sports_channel_in_mexico/
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How do you make five pounds of fat fun?

Add a nipple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5264nf/how_do_you_make_five_pounds_of_fat_fun/
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Boobs vs. Willies[NSFW]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5264ho/boobs_vs_williesnsfw/
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I was thrown out of my cloning exam

for copying the kid next to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5263vh/i_was_thrown_out_of_my_cloning_exam/
%
So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom. And he's got a lot of work to do...

First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store. But there's a huge line at the store to even get fitted for a tuxedo. He thinks he is done. But there is a lengthy line at the store to pick out his bowtie and cumber bun. He’s done with all his selections and is ready to leave. But there is an enormous check out line. Finally he gets out of there and realizes he has to go buy a corsage, so he goes to a florist. But there's this big long corsage line at the florist. Now he's gotta go rent a limo. But there's this huge line when he gets to the limo place.
Finally after waiting and making all the arrangements, it's the night of the prom. He has to go to the tux shop to pick up his tux. But there is a super long pick up your tux line. Then he has to go to the florist to pick up the corsage. But there is a long corsage line too. He gets the corsage and has his tux and rushes home to get ready. But there is a line to use the bathroom mirror since his sister is also getting ready to go to the prom.
The limo arrives and he hops in to go get his date. He picks her up and head to the prom. But there's this huge ticket line at the door. When they get past the ticket line they are immediately funneled into a massive picture line. Finally they get in and they start dancing and having fun, and she says to him, "I'm hungry," so he goes to get her some food, but there's this huge buffet line. He gets her some food and they eat and they're dancing again and she says, "Now I'm thirsty, can you get me a drink?" So he goes to get her a drink and there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5260xf/so_this_guy_is_taking_his_girlfriend_to_the_high/
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I was gonna cut my hair, but I kind of like it,

It's growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/525ytz/i_was_gonna_cut_my_hair_but_i_kind_of_like_it/
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I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.

It’s a lot to digest...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/525wou/i_just_found_out_a_distant_relative_of_mine_has/
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Why are there so many old people in Church?

They're cramming for the final

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/525tcq/why_are_there_so_many_old_people_in_church/
%
You know why we can never trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/525rl2/you_know_why_we_can_never_trust_atoms/
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How can you tell if a girl is too young for you?

You need to make the airplane sound to put your cock in her mouth.
(From one of my favorite stand-ups, Jimmy Carr!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/525r2v/how_can_you_tell_if_a_girl_is_too_young_for_you/
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A guy took a blonde to a her first football game...

She had never watched football before, and so the guy was prepared to explain everything to her, but to his surprise she didn't ask a single question and cheered enthusiastically the whole game. Afterwards, as they were leaving, he asked her how she liked the game. She said it was a blast but she was confused about one thing. He asked her what it was. "well, at the beginning, they flipped a coin, and then for the rest of the game everyone was shouting 'get the quarter back!'. Why were they so upset about 25 cents?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/525oee/a_guy_took_a_blonde_to_a_her_first_football_game/
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How do you count cows?

With a cowculator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/525nig/how_do_you_count_cows/
%
Why are there no Chuck Norris knock-knock jokes?

Because Chuck only has to hit the door ONCE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/525knf/why_are_there_no_chuck_norris_knockknock_jokes/
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6:30 is the best time on a clock...

...hands down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/525f2m/630_is_the_best_time_on_a_clock/
%
A baby was born in South Africa.

The village was very poor, and the makeshift hospital didn't have some necessary equipment.. such as scales.
The father however, was desperate to know the newborn baby's weight. After quite a bit of asking around, the hospital's chairman came up with an idea.
"Five miles west, there's a butcher shop. The owner deals with meat, he should have a rather precise scale. You could just put your baby on the meat scale, and the weight reading you'll get should be pretty accurate."
And so the father departed westward. After much walking, with his newborn child cardled safely in his arms, he finally arrived at the butcher shop. He explained his dilemma to the shop owner, to witch the latter replied:
"Don't worry, friend. It's not even a problem, I'll check it for you, free of charge." And so he took the child to the back, where the scale was located.
The father heard rumbling noises, and some scraping.. About a minute later the butcher came back.
"About three pounds boneless" He said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/525e7p/a_baby_was_born_in_south_africa/
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They hired a comedian for the local construction site. Everybody loves him.

You could say he's really nailing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/525bem/they_hired_a_comedian_for_the_local_construction/
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Why do people make fun of me because I've never grabbed a girl's boobs?

I still don't get tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/525avb/why_do_people_make_fun_of_me_because_ive_never/
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My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.

We are maid for each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/525994/my_married_life_is_awesome_i_cook_for_my_wife_and/
%
Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A boy fell in a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
The boy took a bath.
Wanna hear another clean joke?
The boy took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles was his step-dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5258yk/wanna_hear_a_dirty_joke/
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Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things, literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5255j7/why_cant_you_tell_jokes_to_kleptomaniacs/
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Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?

In case one dozen come out right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5255j2/why_is_a_bakers_dozen_13_instead_of_12/
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What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 15 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5255hy/whats_the_difference_between_911_and_a_cow/
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What food makes women stop having sex?

A wedding cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5254bx/what_food_makes_women_stop_having_sex/
%
Billionaire throws a party for the whole town

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town. He has everything a billionaire could possibly have including: tennis courts, go cart track, mini-golf, private airplane, and a huge mansion. The main attraction however is the biggest swimming pool you've ever seen, and inside that pool, the worlds biggest alligator.
At the end of the party he makes a announcement, 'Before everyone leaves Id like to make a challenge, Whoever can swim across my swimming pool without getting eaten by the alligator can have one of three things. (1. A billion dollars) (2. Half my estate) (or 3. My daughters hand in marriage). No one however has the guts to do so and the party ends and everyone goes home.
The very next year he throws another party's just like the first and at the very end he challenges someone to the same challenge as before. However no one has the guts the 2nd year either and everyone leaves.
The third year comes and he decides to throw one more party, and at the end of the party he gives his challenge one more time. Just as he is finishing saying what he will give the lucky guy who can swim across, He hears a splash of someone jumping in. He looks over to see this guy swimming as fast as he possibly can across the pool with the alligator chasing after him. Everyone in town is cheering him on as the alligator is snapping it's jaw at his feet. The man reaches the end of the pool and 3 men pull him up as the alligator snaps his shoe off.
The billionaire rushes over and he exclaims, 'THAT WAS THE BRAVESET THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!! Which choice do you want out of the three?!?! The man is breathing so heavily he can't speak. The bilionare asks, 'Do you want a billion dollars?' The man replies with heavy breathing 'No no No'. The billionaire responds with 'You're a smart man you must want half my estate'. The man replies with heavy breathing still 'No No gasp No'. The billionaire goes 'Ok you are even smarter than I thought. You may have my daughters hand in marriage.' The man replies still breathing heavily 'No No I don't want your daughter'. The billionaire now confused asks 'Than what do you possibly want?!?!?!' The man replies back with, 'I, I just want the na, name of the gu, guy who pushed me in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5252rn/billionaire_throws_a_party_for_the_whole_town/
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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is Little Johnny on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the Little Johnny, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Little Johnny replies, "Yeah."The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.Little Johnny takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that"s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Humoring Little Johnny, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."Little Johnny continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52522m/on_christmas_morning_a_cop_on_horseback_is/
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If someone says "Someone in this room has a bomb," I can't rule myself out as a suspect.

- Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524z26/if_someone_says_someone_in_this_room_has_a_bomb_i/
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I was with my mom today when some guy backed into our car.

I joked with my mom "That guy's pull out game is weak." My mom replied "Not as weak as your dad's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524yqx/i_was_with_my_mom_today_when_some_guy_backed_into/
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I was going to tell you a joke...

but a wild animal just walked into my room. Please, bear with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524v9v/i_was_going_to_tell_you_a_joke/
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As a reward for winning a race, a young stallion was put in a compound with a beautiful female zebra.

As the next day dawned, the keeper ran to see how the stallion had made out and was chagrined to see him leaning up against a tree. His mane was disheveled, his body covered in welts from angry hooves, and he had two giant black eyes. Astounded, the keeper asked what had happened.
The stallion said, "I spent the whole night trying to take off her pajamas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524s3f/as_a_reward_for_winning_a_race_a_young_stallion/
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What is a chefs weapon of choice?

A salt rifle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524oej/what_is_a_chefs_weapon_of_choice/
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On a scale of 1 to 10

How old is your girlfriend?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524o5j/on_a_scale_of_1_to_10/
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So Arnold Schwarzenegger opened a pest control business...

Because he was already an Ex Terminator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524nhi/so_arnold_schwarzenegger_opened_a_pest_control/
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My girlfriend told me to stop singing Oasis...

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524mua/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_stop_singing_oasis/
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Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524k9r/why_did_the_chicken_commit_suicide/
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Why did 10 die?

He was in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524ivt/why_did_10_die/
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A proton walks over to an electron and asks, "Hey electron, why are you always so negative?"

The electron turns around, stares at him deeply for a brief moment, and responds, "My parents died in a car crash."
___
*Reposting this joke because I originally posted it on the wrong account.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524gdw/a_proton_walks_over_to_an_electron_and_asks_hey/
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A Daughter writes a letter to home

Dear Mother and Dad:
It has been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay.
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed by now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those headaches once a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Dept. and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, mother and dad, I am pregnant. I know how very much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know that your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you there was no dormitory fire; I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture; I was not in the hospital; I am not pregnant; I am not engaged. I do not have syphillis, and there is no Negro in my life. However, I am getting a D in sociology and an F in science; and I wanted you to see these marks in proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524e0s/a_daughter_writes_a_letter_to_home/
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Never date an Aztec woman...

They'll rip your heart out :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524doh/never_date_an_aztec_woman/
%
Why is employee scheduling so difficult to get right for a brothel?

The customers tend to come in spurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524bx9/why_is_employee_scheduling_so_difficult_to_get/
%
What Do You Call A Cheap Curcumcision?

A Rip Off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5249ni/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_curcumcision/
%
an airplane is to crash

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5248q0/an_airplane_is_to_crash/
%
If I had a nickel for every time some didn't understand me

I'd make more cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5247ws/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_some_didnt/
%
Murderous neighbor

A judge asks a defendant to please stand.
"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5247i2/murderous_neighbor/
%
Rocking Mum,Shocking son

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him He isn't your father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5245fh/rocking_mumshocking_son/
%
Today my neighbor knocked at my door at 3 am. Can you believe that? .

Lucky for him that  I was awake playing the  drums!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/524526/today_my_neighbor_knocked_at_my_door_at_3_am_can/
%
Custer's Last Thought

There was a man who was obsessed about the wild west. Cowboys and Indians, this guy loved it all.
One day he was in his house looking at his already massive collection, and suddenly he gets an idea how to expand it furthermore.
He calls up a painter and says "I want you to paint me a picture of Custer's last thought."
The painter thinks for a moment, agrees, and tells the man to call back in a week.
The next week the man gets a call from the painter, inviting him to come over to his gallery. The man quickly drives over to the painter's gallery, and looks at the painting.
It was of a fish jumping out of a small pool of water, with a halo on it. And surrounding the pool, there were literally hundreds of native Americans engaged in sexual intercourse. The man admires it for a bit more, then asks the painter, "what does this have to do with Custer's last thought?"
The painter says "It does look complex, but the concept is quite simple. Holy mackerel that's a lot of fucking Indians."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5241y9/custers_last_thought/
%
Nephew asks how babies are made

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5241c5/nephew_asks_how_babies_are_made/
%
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married.

I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5240w8/ive_fallen_in_love_with_a_pencil_and_were_getting/
%
Hey dude, want some sodium hypobromite?

NaBrO, I'm good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5240ed/hey_dude_want_some_sodium_hypobromite/
%
I tell you what makes my blood boil,

faulty spacesuits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523zxk/i_tell_you_what_makes_my_blood_boil/
%
People say Frankenstein's monster had a temper,

but actually he was surprisingly level headed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523zfr/people_say_frankensteins_monster_had_a_temper/
%
I would tell you the one about the broken pencil.

But there's no point to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523z40/i_would_tell_you_the_one_about_the_broken_pencil/
%
I knew a girl with 12 nipples...

Sounds funny, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523wz7/i_knew_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523w6w/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523vqj/a_man_showed_up_for_a_duel_armed_only_with_a/
%
Hillary Clinton is going to be the first f president...

... Oops, I meant to say female but someone deleted the emale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523vng/hillary_clinton_is_going_to_be_the_first_f/
%
9/11, Perfect day to make an insensitive repost

Osama bin Laden's son came home from school crying. Osama asked, "why are you crying my son".
His son replied, "today our teacher asked us what the tallest building in America is. I said it's the Empire State Building and the whole class laughed at me."
"Don't worry son, I'll handle this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523uor/911_perfect_day_to_make_an_insensitive_repost/
%
A blonde and a brunette are watching a TV show...

The brunette bets the blonde $10 that the man in the episode would jump off a bridge. The man jumps off the bridge and blonde pays the the brunette $10. The brunette feels guilty because she had already seen the episode, so she confesses to the blonde. The blonde says, "I've seen it too, but I didn't think he would jump again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523ua6/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_watching_a_tv_show/
%
I've Invented A New Word...

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523ttr/ive_invented_a_new_word/
%
I'd rather have a bottle in-front-of-me ...

than a frontal lobotomy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523sfn/id_rather_have_a_bottle_infrontofme/
%
9/11 Who?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
9/11
9/11 Who?
I thought you said you would never forget!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523ses/911_who/
%
iPhone 8 should have no charging port.

So you can use it only once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523rm1/iphone_8_should_have_no_charging_port/
%
I just failed my butcher's exam.

Mis-steaks were made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523qzp/i_just_failed_my_butchers_exam/
%
Man is like spider..

.. bound to have sticky hand when on web!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523pin/man_is_like_spider/
%
How does Donald Trump plan on deporting millions of illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523nbq/how_does_donald_trump_plan_on_deporting_millions/
%
Why did MacDonald's ban Tumblr?

Because they don't serve Trans-Fats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523mbi/why_did_macdonalds_ban_tumblr/
%
I dont like 9/11 jokes......

But I can't help falling for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523m80/i_dont_like_911_jokes/
%
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. (LONG)

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies, "I'm with the I.R.S."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523k1q/a_father_walks_into_a_restaurant_with_his_young/
%
I went to the zoo...

I went to the zoo yesterday and I was disappointed to see the only animal they had was a single dog. It's a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523iu2/i_went_to_the_zoo/
%
TIL that North Korea is one of few countries where women Truly have equal rights to men.

That is that they both equally don't have any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523grb/til_that_north_korea_is_one_of_few_countries/
%
Problem about being in IT. You go by requirements and logic.

Husband is a programmer.
Wife : Honey, please go to the super market and get 1 bottle of milk.
If they have bananas, bring 6.
He came back with 6 bottles of milk.
Wife:  Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?!?!
Husband (confused): BECAUSE THEY HAD BANANAS.
He still doesn't understand why his wife yelled at him since he did exactly as she told him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523fmv/problem_about_being_in_it_you_go_by_requirements/
%
So the iPhone 7 gets arrested...

He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523fem/so_the_iphone_7_gets_arrested/
%
What do you get when you cross a duck with an octopus?

Fired and blacklisted from the genetics industry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523dgb/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_duck_with_an/
%
Elephants never forget

One day in 1981, a man by the name of Joseph Weston was hiking in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College.
As he was hiking, he noticed an elephant in the distance that had its foot hovering in the air. Not wanting to startle the creature, Joseph slowly made his way toward the elephant. When he got close to the elephant, he noticed a large splinter of wood sticking out from the elephant's foot. Acting carefully, Joseph removed the splinter with his knife. After successfully removing it, the elephant looked at him and stomped its foot several times. Joseph stayed still, with the fear of imminent death. After stomping its foot, the elephant trumpeted loudly and walked away. Joe never forgot that day.
Thirty years later, Joseph was with his family at the Tulsa Zoo when an elephant walked up to Joseph's side of the enclosure and stomped its foot several times. Remembering the incident from thirty years ago, Joseph couldn't help but wonder if this was the same elephant.
Mustering all the courage he had, Joseph climbed over the fence and into the enclosure. He walked up to the elephant and held its gaze for several minutes before the elephant trumpeted. The elephant then wrapped its trunk around Joseph, picked him up, and then slammed him against the fence, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523dfx/elephants_never_forget/
%
What's the difference between a knife, and an argument with a female?

A knife has a point...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5239kc/whats_the_difference_between_a_knife_and_an/
%
I was wondering why the frisbee in the distance was getting bigger

Then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5235sw/i_was_wondering_why_the_frisbee_in_the_distance/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5233qu/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
So I tickled my little brothers feet this morning...

... my mom got pissed and told me to wait until he was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52334y/so_i_tickled_my_little_brothers_feet_this_morning/
%
One explanation for the gender wage gap is that men typically gravitate towards higher paying jobs like doctor, engineer, CEO...

... While women tend to gravitate towards lower paying jobs like female doctor, female engineer and female CEO.
All credit to Jeremy McClellan @jeremymcclellan on Twitter and crosspost from r/standupshots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52324u/one_explanation_for_the_gender_wage_gap_is_that/
%
A man sitting in the back of a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask a question...

The driver screams and loses control of the car causing it to veer off the road, narrowly missing a group of people and comes to a stop just before hitting a shop window.
For a moment , everything goes quiet in the taxi, then the driver says, "Oi mate, don't do anything like that again. You scared the crap out of me!"
The passenger apologises and says "I didn't realise a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replies, "I'm sorry, it's just today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 30 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/523074/a_man_sitting_in_the_back_of_a_taxi_taps_the/
%
Penguin Comedian

An ill-prepared penguin comedian was about to go onstage.
"I'll just wing it," he said.
I replied, "You ain't gonna fly with the audience."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522zov/penguin_comedian/
%
What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?

The Mercedes can easily reach 40.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522zl3/whats_the_difference_between_a_mercedes_and/
%
Why did the geologist get divorced?

He took his wife for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522zbj/why_did_the_geologist_get_divorced/
%
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...

...has always been my Achilles' elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522ymn/my_poor_knowledge_of_greek_mythology/
%
"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"
"KGB"
"KGB who?"
*slap* "We will ask questions!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522wi1/knock_knock/
%
A Job Wanted

A dog walks into a job centre, goes up to the woman at the desk and says, 'Good afternoon, miss. I'm looking for work.'
The woman looks up, amazed, and says, 'Good heavens, a talking dog! Er... well, let's try the circus in town. I'll give them a ring.'
The dog says, 'The circus? What on earth would the circus do with a computer programmer?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522utr/a_job_wanted/
%
A girl realised she had grown hair in betweem her legs

She asked her mother about that hair, her mom calmy replied:
"The part where that hair has grown is called monkey, so be proud your monkey has grown hair."
She was so happy at the table, she told her older sister her Monkey had grown hair.
Her sister smiled and said:
"Oh thats nothing, my Monkey is already eating bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522um2/a_girl_realised_she_had_grown_hair_in_betweem_her/
%
A Good Detective

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping together. When they go to sleep, Sherlock says, 'Tell me what you can see when you're looking up?'
'Thousands of stars,' says Watson.
'And what's your conclusion from all this?'
Dr Watson starts to think. 'If I consider it from astrological aspects,' he says slowly, 'I must assume that there are millions and millions of stars and galaxies in the universe. From psychological points of view I conclude that we're so infinitely small in comparison with God's overall creation. And if meteorology is concerned, I would say that we can expect fine weather tomorrow. What's your opinion?'
'You're a fool, Watson,' Holmes says. 'Our tent has been stolen.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522s87/a_good_detective/
%
A will is a...

...dead giveaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522rw9/a_will_is_a/
%
Little Timmy is asked by his teacher " Timmy how do you spell school?"

Timmy responds " S K O O L ".....
The teacher says " that is not correct .  It's spelled S C H O O L ". ......
Little Timmy replies " Well , you asked how I spelled it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522q80/little_timmy_is_asked_by_his_teacher_timmy_how_do/
%
Unicorn hunting...

Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk.
Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”
Kurt answered, “I hunt unicorns.”
Paul was startled, but said, “Really? How do you do that?”
Kurt replied, “I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”
Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”
Kurt said, “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522p2g/unicorn_hunting/
%
Mathematically speaking..

The average person is mean.  :-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522o9a/mathematically_speaking/
%
A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is...

... a stainless steal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522j36/a_well_executed_theft_leaving_no_fingerprints/
%
People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My Dad died on 9/11...

He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522g97/people_should_really_stop_making_jokes_about/
%
I didn't know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Society meeting...

So I just came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522dt6/i_didnt_know_what_to_wear_to_my_premature/
%
Doug is mowing his yard when a moving van pulls up to the house next door

Doug walks over to the guy driving and says: Hi my name is Doug. Are you moving in?
James: Yeah, I just moved to town and bought this house.
Doug: So what do you do?
James: I am a doctor in deductive reasoning.
Doug: Hmmm, What is that?
James: Let me show you. I see over your side gate that you have a dog house, therefore you have a dog. Most men that have a dog typically have kids and are therefore married. I have deduced that you are a straight male with a family.
Doug: Wow, that is crazy. You are spot on. Well take care.
Doug goes over to his other neighbor and talks with him.
Doug: Bill my new neighbor on the other side is a doctor in deductive reasoning.
Bill: Hmmm, What is that?
Doug: Well let me show you. Do you have a dog?
Bill: No.
Doug: FAG!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/522cna/doug_is_mowing_his_yard_when_a_moving_van_pulls/
%
Who do you call during a Zika virus emergency?

The SWAT team

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5229zi/who_do_you_call_during_a_zika_virus_emergency/
%
WHAT DO WE WANT!?

CLEARED TIMES ON OUR MICROWAVES!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
0:00!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5228pv/what_do_we_want/
%
I just ended a 5 years long relationship

I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5225np/i_just_ended_a_5_years_long_relationship/
%
My least favorite racist joke

Donald Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52259x/my_least_favorite_racist_joke/
%
I'd make an Apple joke...

But they'd probably remove it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5220sd/id_make_an_apple_joke/
%
I met a girl with 12 nipples.

Sounds funny,
Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52202r/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
%
What is a heroin addict's favorite website?

Instagram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521zo9/what_is_a_heroin_addicts_favorite_website/
%
A woman posts an advert on the newspaper...

The advert says: "I'm looking for a new husband. I'd like a good husband that doesn't hit me, doesn't go out drinking at night, and also satisfies me in bed."
A few days later, someone knocks on her front door. It turns out to be a man on a wheelchair, with no arms and no legs. The man says "I saw your advert, and I think I would be a good husband."
The woman looks at him confused. "So, you're not going to hit me, and you won't go out drinking?", she asks. "You see, I have no arms, so I could never do that", he answers. "I couldn't go out drinking either, because I have no legs".
"Well, how are you going to satisfy me in bed?", she says, crossing her arms.
The man smiles. "What do you think I knocked on the door with?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521yet/a_woman_posts_an_advert_on_the_newspaper/
%
October 10th was such a great day

10/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521vol/october_10th_was_such_a_great_day/
%
Did you hear about that poor gymnast's bank account?

Her balance was outstanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521sgj/did_you_hear_about_that_poor_gymnasts_bank_account/
%
Trump and Pence

are sitting in a bar...
A guy walks in, spots them, and asks the barman, 'Hey, ain't that Trump and Pence sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, what an honor! What are you guys doing in here?'
Trump says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? Whaddaya think you'll do?'
Trump says, 'Well, we're planning to kill 140 million Muslims, and a blonde with big tits.'
The guy exclaims, 'A blonde with big tits? You shittin' me? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Trump turns to Pence, and says, 'See? I told you, no one gives a shit about 140 million Muslims.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521p6z/trump_and_pence/
%
Discount Air Rides

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521n8g/discount_air_rides/
%
I don't trust chairs.

They just don't sit right with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521mue/i_dont_trust_chairs/
%
A legendary quote by Mahatma Gandhi

"History is not created by those who browse in incognito mode"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521lyt/a_legendary_quote_by_mahatma_gandhi/
%
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521krr/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_a_dead/
%
If life gives you lemons...

Make lemonade.
If life gives you melons...
You might be dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521j5i/if_life_gives_you_lemons/
%
What was Bin Laden's favorite Football team?

The New York Jets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521j0e/what_was_bin_ladens_favorite_football_team/
%
A Texan walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
The Texan answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure that if I have to roll my own, so can she!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521i1c/a_texan_walks_into_a_pharmacy_and_wanders_up_and/
%
I got fired from the sperm bank today..

Apparently they frown upon drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521hte/i_got_fired_from_the_sperm_bank_today/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521gxy/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
An old man see a little boy walking down the street with some chicken wire in his hand.

The old man yells out to the little boy "Hey little boy, what are you fixin' to do with that there chicken wire?" The little boy looks at the old man, thinks for a second and says "Well old man, I reckon I'm gonna catch me some chickens." The old man then says "You stupid boy, you'll never catch any chickens with that chicken wire." The little boy rolls his eyes and goes on his way.
A few hours late the old man sees the little boy walking back with a half a dozen chickens caught up in the chicken wire and shakes his head. "I'll be damned" he says.
The next day the old man see a little boy walking down the street with some duct tape in his hand. The old man yells out to the little boy "Hey little boy, what are you fixin' to do with that there duct tape?" The little boy looks at the old man, thinks for a second and says "Well old man, I reckon I'm gonna catch me some ducks." The old man then says "You stupid boy, you'll never catch any ducks with that duct tape. Again the little boy rolls his eyes and goes on his way.
A few hours late the old man sees the little boy walking back with a half a dozen duck wrapped up in the duct tape and shakes his head.
The next day the old man sees the little boy with some flower in his hand. He yells out to the little boy "Hey little boy, what is that you've got in your hand?" The little boy looks at the flower and back at the old man and say "This flower here is a pussy willow sir."
The old man says "You stay right there boy, I'm gonna grab my hat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521gin/an_old_man_see_a_little_boy_walking_down_the/
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If a blind girl tells you that you’ve got a big penis...

She’s probably just pulling your leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521f4o/if_a_blind_girl_tells_you_that_youve_got_a_big/
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I stopped off to get some coffee on the way in to work today

I took a sip after paying and walking away from the counter, it tasted terrible.
I turned around and told the barista "hey, this coffee tastes like mud".
She replied "well it should, it was just ground this morning".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521eg2/i_stopped_off_to_get_some_coffee_on_the_way_in_to/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 the headphone jack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521dws/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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My girlfriend had a sexual fantasy to roleplay as a 14 year old in bed.

I think it's pretty gross. Besides, she'll be 14 in 2 years anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521dkx/my_girlfriend_had_a_sexual_fantasy_to_roleplay_as/
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Why should you never get into an argument with a dictionary?

Because they'll always have the last word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521dds/why_should_you_never_get_into_an_argument_with_a/
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I'm really claustrophobic and just walked into a room crammed full with married people...

Luckily there wasn't a single person in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521b5f/im_really_claustrophobic_and_just_walked_into_a/
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Dad, is that dog over there a wiener dog?

Son, with enough peanut butter every dog is a wiener dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521amt/dad_is_that_dog_over_there_a_wiener_dog/
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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5218n7/farm_kid_writes_letter_home_after_joining_marines/
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What does Trump say after sex?

"You're the best daughter ever."
(Credit for inspiration to the "What does Bill say to Hilary after sex" joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521850/what_does_trump_say_after_sex/
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A guy drove his expensive car into a tree...

That's when he learned how the Mercedes bends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5216f1/a_guy_drove_his_expensive_car_into_a_tree/
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Some friends of mine recently lost their baby.

They swore to never dress him in camouflage again if he turns up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5213pq/some_friends_of_mine_recently_lost_their_baby/
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Did you know that timing is the secret to great comedy?

Like a head phone jack is the secret to a great phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/521367/did_you_know_that_timing_is_the_secret_to_great/
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When I bought pizza today my hands started to spasm

You could say I got Little Seizures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5212y7/when_i_bought_pizza_today_my_hands_started_to/
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Some friends of mine had a baby.

They didn't want to know what sex it was, instead they just preferred to wait, and see how much it earned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5210zf/some_friends_of_mine_had_a_baby/
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A man was stabbed in the stomach in an alley...

he was gonna punch him back, but he didn't have the guts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5210mw/a_man_was_stabbed_in_the_stomach_in_an_alley/
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Have you heard about the humble farmer?

He's a grower, not a shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520z0o/have_you_heard_about_the_humble_farmer/
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My Grandfather had the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520ysj/my_grandfather_had_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520xdn/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
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Went to the doctor today and my many years of phone sex has finally caught up with me.

I have hearing AIDS now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520xcy/went_to_the_doctor_today_and_my_many_years_of/
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What did the Apple Phone designer do when he got home?

Jack off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520x3c/what_did_the_apple_phone_designer_do_when_he_got/
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That's the difference between tech support and a mass shooter?

One is a troubleshooter, while the other is a troubled shooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520vzf/thats_the_difference_between_tech_support_and_a/
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Apple farmers who are too scared to diversify

should just grow a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520voo/apple_farmers_who_are_too_scared_to_diversify/
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*Pollen accidentally enters body*

Immune system: What the hell is that?
Pollen: Oh hey. Sorry. We got a bit lost. The wind kinda bl-
Immune system: OH GOD WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!
Pollen: What?! No! We just got lo-
Immune system: OPEN THE FLOODGATES!
Pollen: The what?
Mucus membranes: Sir. All the floodgates?
Immune system: ALL OF THEM!
Pollen: Wait. Wait. You don't... Oh shi-
[Dramatic music]
Me: *sneezes*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520uy2/pollen_accidentally_enters_body/
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What kind of shrimp does Chris Brown like?

Battered shrimp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520usr/what_kind_of_shrimp_does_chris_brown_like/
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What's the difference between a black man and Batman?

Batman can go inside a store without Robin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520rr8/whats_the_difference_between_a_black_man_and/
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I went on a pretty crazy camping trip last weekend.

It was in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520oy7/i_went_on_a_pretty_crazy_camping_trip_last_weekend/
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Clever Boy

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520o5q/clever_boy/
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Did you know there is a species of deer that can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house cannot jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520nd8/did_you_know_there_is_a_species_of_deer_that_can/
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What's the difference between a doe and dope?

One's gotta pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520ge1/whats_the_difference_between_a_doe_and_dope/
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Harambe Memes died just like Harambe himself...

When the little kids jumped in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520g5t/harambe_memes_died_just_like_harambe_himself/
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What do Chinese bears use to cook?

A pan. Duh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520fit/what_do_chinese_bears_use_to_cook/
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A middle aged woman suffers a heart attack...

... and meets God before being revived. He tells her not to worry; she's got at least 40 more years of life ahead of her.
Upon waking from surgery, she decides that with all that time left, and since she's at the hospital anyway, she'll get some cosmetic surgery... a face lift, a nose job, breast implants, liposuction, the works.
After recovering from all that, she is on her way home and is hit by a bus and killed. Seeing God again, she cries, "You said I had 40 more years!"
God says, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/520b2d/a_middle_aged_woman_suffers_a_heart_attack/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52096c/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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Why isn't the band "1023 MB" famous?

They haven't had a gig yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5206bw/why_isnt_the_band_1023_mb_famous/
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What's the difference between humans and bullets?

Humans miss Harambe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/52061c/whats_the_difference_between_humans_and_bullets/
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Someone stole the coffin at my grandfather's funeral.

I couldn't bereave it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5202l1/someone_stole_the_coffin_at_my_grandfathers/
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What did the ISIS leader gift to all his followers?

The Samsung Note 7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zy4w/what_did_the_isis_leader_gift_to_all_his_followers/
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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zxrf/one_day_ill_pretend_to_be_gay_ill_make_lots_of/
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A man breaks down in front of a monastery

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zwnb/a_man_breaks_down_in_front_of_a_monastery/
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I thought my vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant.

But it turns out it just changes the colour of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zv4g/i_thought_my_vasectomy_would_stop_my_wife_from/
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School is like a boner.

It's long and hard unless you're asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zv46/school_is_like_a_boner/
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I just got arrested for playing chess in the middle of the road

It's because I'm black, isn't it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zuii/i_just_got_arrested_for_playing_chess_in_the/
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I found a 1,700 yard rock the other day....

It was a real milestone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zrj9/i_found_a_1700_yard_rock_the_other_day/
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A housewife invited her lover to the house one day...

Knowing that her husband was at work, yet unaware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet, she invited over her lover.
Her husband came home early, and she hid her lover in the closet, so the boy had company now:
* Boy: "Dark in here."
* Man: "Yes it is."
* Boy: "I have a baseball."
* Man: "That's nice."
* Boy: "Want to buy it?"
* Man: "No, thanks."
* Boy: "My dad's outside..."
* Man: "OK, how much?"
* Boy: "£250."
* Man: "Sold!"
In the next few weeks, it happened again that the boy and his mom's lover were in the closet together:
* Boy: "Dark in here."
* Man: "Yes, it is....."
* Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
* Man: "That's nice..."
* Boy: "Want to buy it?"
* Man: "No, thanks."
* Boy: "I'll tell..."
* Man: "How much?"
* Boy: "£750."
* Man: "Fine..."
A few days later, the father tells the boy to grab his **glove** and go outside with him to toss the **baseball** around for a little:
* Boy: "I can't. I sold them."
* Father: "For how much?"
* Boy: "£1,000."
* Father: "That's terrible to charge your friends like that, since it's way more than those two things
cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They went to the church and the father alerted the priest, making the little boy sit in the confession booth and closing the door:
* Boy: **"Dark in here."**
* Priest: **"Don't start that shit again..."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zred/a_housewife_invited_her_lover_to_the_house_one_day/
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My Favorite Racist Joke

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zoms/my_favorite_racist_joke/
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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner...

Upon leaving, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
His friend urged Charlie to stay over, but since there was neither a spare bed or couch in the house, Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder, calling him over on her side. They both started whispering:
* Charlie: "I couldn't do that. Your husband is my best friend!"
* Wife: "Listen, sugar, there ain't nothing in the whole wide world that could wake him up now."
* Charlie: "I can't believe that... Certainly if i get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?"
* Wife: "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that, and was amazed when the husband remained asleep, so he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and called him over again. He pulled another hair to determine if his friend was asleep. This went on **eight times** during the night, and each time before Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
**The ninth time** he pulled a hair, the husband woke up and muttered:
* "Listen, Charlie, old pal, *i don't mind you fucking my wife*, but for Pete's sake, **stop using my ass for a scoreboard!**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zoc1/charlie_was_visiting_an_old_friend_and_his_wife/
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My friend collects scoliosis journals

He has *back* issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51znyb/my_friend_collects_scoliosis_journals/
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Little Johnny was made fun of...

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zmvv/little_johnny_was_made_fun_of/
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Why do Apples new headphones look like tampons?

Because they're made exclusively for cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zm94/why_do_apples_new_headphones_look_like_tampons/
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A duck walks into a bar...

Duck: "Got any bread?"
Barman: "No."
Duck: "Got any bread?"
Barman: "No..."
Duck: "Got any bread?"
Barman: "No, we don't..."
Duck: "Got any bread?"
Barman: "**No**, we haven't got any fucking bread!"
Duck: "Got any bread?"
Barman: "If you ask me again, I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar!"
Duck: "Got any nails?"
Barman: "No..."
Duck: "Got any bread?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zljj/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did the chicken lock itself in the freezer?

to get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zlj3/why_did_the_chicken_lock_itself_in_the_freezer/
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The Matador Special

A man travels to Spain and goes to a restaurant near the bull arena for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks?
"The Matador Special, Senor," the waiter replies.
"What meat is it?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "They, are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"The Matador Special, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects, "I had the Matador Special yesterday and it was much bigger than this."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not always lose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zkvh/the_matador_special/
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Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You drink some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You drink some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zglj/political_science_for_dummies/
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The iPhone 7 ad has a catchy song...

Hit the road Jack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zchy/the_iphone_7_ad_has_a_catchy_song/
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I went to the zoo the other day, all they had was a small dog.

It was a shit-zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zayj/i_went_to_the_zoo_the_other_day_all_they_had_was/
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What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese women?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51zavi/whats_the_worst_thing_about_breaking_up_with_a/
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My computer won't stop crying and singing about break ups...

That's the last time I buy A Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51z96g/my_computer_wont_stop_crying_and_singing_about/
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A pair of lifelong friends play golf and go to Hooters

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs…”
“OK.”
Ten years later at 40, they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”
“OK.”
Ten years later at 50,
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is good and there is plenty of parking.”
”OK.”
At 60,
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price.”
“OK”
At 70,
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”
“OK.”
At 80,
"Where do you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before and I would like to try something new."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51z5na/a_pair_of_lifelong_friends_play_golf_and_go_to/
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Why was 6 afraid of 11?

Because 11 snaps people's necks with her mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51z4iw/why_was_6_afraid_of_11/
%
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51z3nt/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
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What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?

**SnowBalls!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51z3i7/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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If political science was a real science

then maybe they could find a cure for this year's electile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51yx8p/if_political_science_was_a_real_science/
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A man walks into a bar...

And he immediately orders 7 shots and a beer for a chaser. The bartender lines up the seven shots and goes to get the beer. When the bartender returned, all 7 shots were gone!
The bartender says, "Wow, you sure drank those shots fast!"
The man says, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" Asks the bartender.
Then man reaches in his pocket and slaps his hand on the bar and exclaims, "Fifty cents!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51yudc/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I watched my first Porn the other day

I looked so much younger back then!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51yu2p/i_watched_my_first_porn_the_other_day/
%
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ytlw/sometimes_it_is_very_important_if_a_sentence_was/
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The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51yr1q/the_worst_thief_ever_came_to_my_birthday_party/
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A robber broke into my house last night looking for money...

So I woke up and started searching with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51yqzo/a_robber_broke_into_my_house_last_night_looking/
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Why do men give their penises names?

Because they don’t want a total stranger making 90% of their decisions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ypym/why_do_men_give_their_penises_names/
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After God had finished creating 24 hours of alternating light and darkness...

One of his angels asked him what he was going to do next.
He said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ypld/after_god_had_finished_creating_24_hours_of/
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Why is this election historic?

It's the first time we're guaranteed there'll be a cunt in the oval office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51yl0j/why_is_this_election_historic/
%
Harambe walks into a bar

Bartender: What can I get for you?
Harambe: Just ice for Harambe.
Bartender: Sorry, we're out of ice. Best I can give you is a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51yjcf/harambe_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why is it so hard for men to get on Christian Mingle?

Only women get a "SUBMIT" button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51yheb/why_is_it_so_hard_for_men_to_get_on_christian/
%
I was gonna tell you about anal

But fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51yhdt/i_was_gonna_tell_you_about_anal/
%
I saw my dwarf neighbour at the sidewalm

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51yd4r/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbour_at_the_sidewalm/
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Puberty doesn't hit us Asians

Our parents do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51yd4o/puberty_doesnt_hit_us_asians/
%
"I'm so sorry" and "my bad" can be used interchangeably

Except at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ybjk/im_so_sorry_and_my_bad_can_be_used_interchangeably/
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ya07/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
%
-40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius.

My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51y8ki/40_outside_sounds_brutally_cold_fahrenheit_or/
%
911

The American police have said they will never forget 9/11.
Pretty hard too, I would think, considering it's your phone number!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51y7r0/911/
%
I wanted to be a stand-up comedian.

But i realised a sit-down comedian was more comfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51y4dk/i_wanted_to_be_a_standup_comedian/
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How many stuttering Mexicans does it take to crash a server?

D--Dos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51y4bx/how_many_stuttering_mexicans_does_it_take_to/
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A farmer buys a young cock...

A farmer buys a young cock.  As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed.  At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens.
Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.  Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard!  "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51y3qq/a_farmer_buys_a_young_cock/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 needs a shit load of adapters to work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51y3in/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
What did the politicians say after taking a huge bong hit?

"What's Allepo?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51y0n4/what_did_the_politicians_say_after_taking_a_huge/
%
What do they do in Alabama when their car breaks down?

Build a house next to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51y0gx/what_do_they_do_in_alabama_when_their_car_breaks/
%
A family is at the dinner table...

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xzqo/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table/
%
I farted loudly in an Apple store and everyone got really pissed off at me.

But its not my fault they don't have windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xyf0/i_farted_loudly_in_an_apple_store_and_everyone/
%
My wife and I have decided to get an abortion.

Now how do we tell the surrogate?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xxpt/my_wife_and_i_have_decided_to_get_an_abortion/
%
A mathematician walks into a bar and says "I want √2 beers"

The bartender tells him "You're being irrational"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xtvn/a_mathematician_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_i_want/
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I'm in room 1221."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xrsh/im_in_room_1221/
%
Blind Masturbation Championships

Went to the blind masturbation championships the other day.
No idea where I came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xqw9/blind_masturbation_championships/
%
What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his hoagie off a bridge?

There goes my Hero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xq09/what_did_dave_grohl_say_when_he_dropped_his/
%
In "Captain Sully", technically speaking, Tom Hanks did not fly a plane on to the Hudson River

That was falling with style

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xphi/in_captain_sully_technically_speaking_tom_hanks/
%
Why are alcoholics the same as necrophiliacs?

When they feel like fucking death they crack open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xhnl/why_are_alcoholics_the_same_as_necrophiliacs/
%
A gynecologist has a midlife crisis and takes night classes to become a mechanic...

She's really nervous the night of the final, so she studies real hard and hopes for the best.
When the grades are posted, she freaks out because her grade says 150% and she assumes it was an error, so she goes to see the instructor.
He explains it's no error.
"You took apart the engine perfectly, every nut, every bolt. You pulled it all apart without breaking anything. That got you 50%
Then you put it all back together perfectly. It actually ran better than before you started, so I gave you 50% for that.
You got a bonus 50% for doing it all through the muffler."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xhb2/a_gynecologist_has_a_midlife_crisis_and_takes/
%
Two very hot girls try to tease an old man saying ..

" Hey grandpa, what would you do with hot and kinky girls like us ?"
He says :
" Well with only 2 nothing much, but if i had at least 5 i would open a whorehouse. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xepe/two_very_hot_girls_try_to_tease_an_old_man_saying/
%
Do you know why Apple steals all their ideas?

Cause when they make their own I lose my headphones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xeo9/do_you_know_why_apple_steals_all_their_ideas/
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How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xdz3/how_do_mathematicians_scold_their_children/
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The iPhone 7 may be revolutionary and everything....

But the Samsung Note 7 blows you away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xc4m/the_iphone_7_may_be_revolutionary_and_everything/
%
Did you hear about the Math teacher who is afraid of negatives?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xc1b/did_you_hear_about_the_math_teacher_who_is_afraid/
%
Why does OSHA hate porn?

It's nsfw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xbvs/why_does_osha_hate_porn/
%
After leaving the bar, a man arrives at his home...

There, he trips and breaks his wife's favorite vase of flowers and ends up the night by puking in the carpet.
The other day, he wakes up already in his bed and realizes that her wife left a note saying :
" Morning honey, i've left some aspirine on your bedside table, and i've made your favorite breakfast, love you."
As he finishes reading it, he remembers that he arrived very late at home and made a mess all over the place, thus concluded that the note could only be a lie.
Getting into the kitchen, he sees the breakfast table full of things he loved. Still not understanding the situation, he calls his son, and asks:
"What just happened to your mother ? I made a damn mess here yesterday and today i wake up with a king's treatment .."
Realizing that his dad couldn't remember a thing about the last night, he sincerely answered :
"Well dad... After you passed out in the carpet, she took you to the bathroom so she could wash you, and when she was about to take your pants off, you said : " Oh no lady, it is not gonna happen , i'm married..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xbrs/after_leaving_the_bar_a_man_arrives_at_his_home/
%
4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51xayk/4_million_of_these_people_enter_our_country_every/
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What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?

They become sour krauts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51x6mu/what_happens_to_germans_when_they_eat_too_many/
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How Many Friendzoned Guys Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51x5cu/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
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What do Apple and Titanic have in common?

They both killed Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51x3pv/what_do_apple_and_titanic_have_in_common/
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Whats the difference between a hispanic and a book.

The book has papers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51x1t8/whats_the_difference_between_a_hispanic_and_a_book/
%
My girlfriend burned our Hawaiian pizza today...

I should have told her to put the oven on aloha setting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wzre/my_girlfriend_burned_our_hawaiian_pizza_today/
%
Pedophiles

They're fucking immature assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wzo4/pedophiles/
%
I cheated on my wife once.

We were playing monopoly and when she wasn't looking I stole  some of her money.
Then I went upstairs and fucked her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wwmi/i_cheated_on_my_wife_once/
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A woman on trial

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks the prosecutor:
"First offender?"
The prosecutor responds:
"No, a Gibson first, then a Fender"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wux7/a_woman_on_trial/
%
A waiter goes into the bathroom...

he starts peeing when a man comes in and uses the urinal next to him.
The waiter looks over and sees the man is peeing in 2 directions, so he asks "what happened to you?"
The man replies: when i was in the military i got hit by a grenade and now i pee in 2 directions.
The next day the same thing happens and a man is using the urinal next to him.
He sees that the man is peeing in 4 different directions, so he asks again "what happened?"
The man replies: "i stepped on a mine".
So on the 3rd day it happens again and the waiter sees that the man next to him is peeing in 10 different directions so he just says "Did you get hit by an aerial bomb?"
The man replies: "no, i just cant open my Zipper".
Sidenote: Sorry for bad formatting, im on my phone. Just wanted to share this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wqz8/a_waiter_goes_into_the_bathroom/
%
3 vampires walk into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood.
15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same.
Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water.
"Why the cup of water?" the other two asked.
He then pulled out a used tampon and said, "I'm making tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wong/3_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a bunch of white guys on a bench?

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wojx/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_guys_on_a_bench/
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Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift?

He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wof1/did_you_hear_about_the_coroner_who_always_was/
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I have a problem with commitment

Never mind that joke is lame anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wo0c/i_have_a_problem_with_commitment/
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wi02/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree_i_dont/
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Stop it with the Apple Hate Jokes.

You're making the doctors come back again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wh1f/stop_it_with_the_apple_hate_jokes/
%
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wcqm/a_married_couple_was_in_a_terrible_accident_where/
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A magic tractor drives down a road...

and turns into a field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wckv/a_magic_tractor_drives_down_a_road/
%
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So people don't mistake them for feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wbsp/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
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I met a hot girl. We had dinner yesterday.

At least I'm assuming she had dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51wbmw/i_met_a_hot_girl_we_had_dinner_yesterday/
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What do a d20 and my penis have in common?

Girls don't play with either of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51w9wo/what_do_a_d20_and_my_penis_have_in_common/
%
"What's your view on lesbians?"

1080p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51w96y/whats_your_view_on_lesbians/
%
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman......

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he also promised to provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51w8v8/for_2_years_a_man_was_having_an_affair_with_an/
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In a congregation one Sunday.....

......the pastor asked if anyone would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51w89v/in_a_congregation_one_sunday/
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My doctor told me to stay away from transfats

So I can't go on Tumblr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51w71j/my_doctor_told_me_to_stay_away_from_transfats/
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For a long time I thought I was Jewish.

But it turned out to be psychosemitic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51w5zv/for_a_long_time_i_thought_i_was_jewish/
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My grandfather died in a concentration camp...

He got really drunk and fell off the guard tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51w3xr/my_grandfather_died_in_a_concentration_camp/
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51w3gw/the_irs_decides_to_audit_grandpa/
%
A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home.

But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson.
He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet.  The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, “I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.” The man says, “Well, thank you. I forgive you.”
The parrot then says, “If you don’t mind my asking, what did the chicken do?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51w3bw/a_man_buys_a_pet_parrot_and_brings_him_home/
%
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway...

A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51vzxw/a_truck_driver_was_driving_along_on_the_freeway/
%
What cereal was removed from Tim Cook's breakfast?

Apple Jacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51vtz6/what_cereal_was_removed_from_tim_cooks_breakfast/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 killed the headphone jack with lightning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51vtcn/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
how much is a life-time supply of fast food?

Not much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51vqan/how_much_is_a_lifetime_supply_of_fast_food/
%
A man and his friend are having a conversation

Man: When I was born, I was given the choice to either have a really good memory or a big dick
Friend: Which one did you pick?
Man: I don't remember

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51vpnb/a_man_and_his_friend_are_having_a_conversation/
%
Dogs cant operate an MRI machine,

But Catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51vpbi/dogs_cant_operate_an_mri_machine/
%
Those who throw dirt...

...are sure to lose ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51vk8x/those_who_throw_dirt/
%
How do you know when your dad just got a blowjob?

You can taste it in your sister's mouth.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51vj3d/how_do_you_know_when_your_dad_just_got_a_blowjob/
%
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51viqx/what_do_you_get_when_you_crossbreed_a_shark_and_a/
%
Today is my birthday and I turned 25

Jokes on me my insurance didn't go down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51vimg/today_is_my_birthday_and_i_turned_25/
%
My doctor just told me I’m suffering from paranoia.

Well he didn’t actually say that, but I could tell it was what he was thinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51vhnz/my_doctor_just_told_me_im_suffering_from_paranoia/
%
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.

She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51velb/my_wife_found_out_i_was_cheating_after_she_found/
%
Once upon a time

..a small boy named Peter lived in a tiny Moroccan village.
All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy, Peter"...
One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career...
The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that school. she even shifted to another city ...
25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform..
Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful ...
when she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling at her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue.
She was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died...
The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw Peter working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner......
If you were thinking  that Peter became a doctor, it's because you have been watching too many Indian movies, serials or have read too many motivational fowarded messages...
Peter is Peter .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51vdj1/once_upon_a_time/
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The term "Every 60 second in Africa..." is stupid

Everyone knows Africains don't get seconds.
They're lucky if they get a single serving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51vb3g/the_term_every_60_second_in_africa_is_stupid/
%
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys watching a football game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51v81i/what_has_eight_arms_and_an_iq_of_60/
%
Why doesn't Texas float away into the Gulf of Mexico?

Because Oklahoma sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51v7l7/why_doesnt_texas_float_away_into_the_gulf_of/
%
She got her good looks from her father.

He's a plastic surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51v66a/she_got_her_good_looks_from_her_father/
%
What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea?

The corn farmer shucks between fits, whilst the prostitute fucks between shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51v64b/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_corn/
%
What do you call a potato in space?

Spudnik

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51v5we/what_do_you_call_a_potato_in_space/
%
The wife asks her husband

-What do you prefer, honey? A smart woman or a beautiful woman?
-Neither sweetie, you know I only have eyes for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51v4kq/the_wife_asks_her_husband/
%
My girlfriend keeps calling me immature. I guess the saying is true.

You are what you eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51v4fo/my_girlfriend_keeps_calling_me_immature_i_guess/
%
You can make jokes about anything, just not mexicans

That's crossing the border!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51uww3/you_can_make_jokes_about_anything_just_not/
%
How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco?

Both of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51uuq9/how_many_heterosexual_males_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
Who is tall, orange-skinned, blatantly racist, should not be a politician, and makes everyone groan whenever he appears on TV?

Jar Jar Binks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51uspe/who_is_tall_orangeskinned_blatantly_racist_should/
%
A guy unfortunately becomes a widower, wants to put an obituary in the local paper...

... He rings them up, asks how much it costs.
"One dollar per word", says the clerk.
"Ok, here's the message: "Martha dead"
The clerk pauses and replies:
"You know, people normally say a bit more. If it's the price, yaknow, we have a special on now, pay for 3, get 3 free."
"Ok, let's do that. Here goes:" says the guy, "Martha dead. For Sale Honda Civic"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51urrg/a_guy_unfortunately_becomes_a_widower_wants_to/
%
What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?

They both can smell it, but they can't eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51urkt/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_boy_have_in/
%
What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ur87/what_do_you_call_a_grizzly_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?

They gave her a basketball and told her to read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51uppp/how_did_helen_kellers_parents_punish_her/
%
What do you call an underwater dog?

A sub woofer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51unx6/what_do_you_call_an_underwater_dog/
%
What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51umva/what_has_2_grey_legs_and_2_brown_legs/
%
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?""None," replied Johnny, ""Cause the rest would fly away.""Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?""Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?""No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ufvx/little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class_doing_math/
%
What's a feminist's favorite math class?

Triggernometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51uect/whats_a_feminists_favorite_math_class/
%
Oh shit, my computer uses U.S. English.

I wanted to 'save' the document but accidentally blew it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ud6d/oh_shit_my_computer_uses_us_english/
%
My goal in life is always turn the negative into the positive...

which is why I lost my job at the HIV clinic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ubyu/my_goal_in_life_is_always_turn_the_negative_into/
%
How come does Luke Skywalker does not have a girlfriend?

He was looking for love in Alderaan places

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ua53/how_come_does_luke_skywalker_does_not_have_a/
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How the Internet Started, According to the Bible

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.   And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.  Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.  And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.  And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.  He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."  "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51u9bv/how_the_internet_started_according_to_the_bible/
%
Hillary and Trump crash in a plane, who survives?

The United States

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51u4ty/hillary_and_trump_crash_in_a_plane_who_survives/
%
A teacher wants to make sure non of her students feel stupid...

So she walks to the front of class and says " if any of you feel dumb please stand up."
A minute goes by of silence before little Johnny stands up
"Why do you think you are stupid?"
To which little Johnny replies " I don't feel stupid I just felt bad that you were the only one standing up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51u4fl/a_teacher_wants_to_make_sure_non_of_her_students/
%
2 wrongs don't make a right

But 3 rights make a left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51u38r/2_wrongs_dont_make_a_right/
%
Headphone Jack

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51u30w/headphone_jack/
%
What's the difference between E.T and illegal immigrants?

E.T actually learned English and wanted to go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51u2ce/whats_the_difference_between_et_and_illegal/
%
I just killed a pizza boy and now I have to kill another one

It's the domino effect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51u2bh/i_just_killed_a_pizza_boy_and_now_i_have_to_kill/
%
Two strips of asphalt walk into a bar

and start talking about how tough they are: "Trucks can roll over me and I don't even flinch" etc.
Suddenly they both duck under the table when they see a green strip walk in.
After he's left they come back out and the barman says "What the hell was that? I though you guys were tough?"
They say "We are, but that guy's a fucking cycle-path."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51u0ld/two_strips_of_asphalt_walk_into_a_bar/
%
For the Catholics

A woman was taken into adultery and a group of men approached Jesus and said to him, "This woman was taken in adultery and by the law she should be stoned to death. But what say you?"
Jesus thought and said, "I say that he among you who is without sin should throw the first stone."
At that, all the gathered multitude tossed their stones away and crept off, shamefaced--at least, all but one middle-aged woman who hefted half a brick in her hand. Taking careful aim, she sent it flying, struck the woman taken in adultery in the forehead, and felled her.
Shaking his head, Jesus walked over to the woman who had thrown the brick and said, "Sometimes you piss me off, Mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tzd0/for_the_catholics/
%
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One..... Or two...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tz7f/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
[LONG] The telephone rang at dawn.

'Hello, Senor George? This is Roberto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Hi Roberto. How are you? Is there a problem?'
'Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Senor George, that your parrot died.'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that collected three prizes at the New York bird show?'
'Yes, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a real shame. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating rotten meat, Senor George.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor George.'
'My favorite thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor George, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'What are you talking about? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'My God! What do you mean fire? Where?'
'At your house, Senor. A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.'
'What the hell! Are you telling me that my eight million dollar mansion has been destroyed because of a candle?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so, Senor George.'
'But i don't understand, there's electricity at the house, so what's the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor George.'
'What goddamn funeral?'
'Your wife's, Senor George. She showed up unexpectedly one night and i thought she was a burglar. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods one iron.'
There was a lengthy silence.
'Roberto, if you broke that golf club, you're in real trouble...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tz6b/long_the_telephone_rang_at_dawn/
%
Sadly, the lifeguard couldn't save the hippie from drowning

He was too far out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51txg7/sadly_the_lifeguard_couldnt_save_the_hippie_from/
%
How many redditors does it take to get a joke?

Three. One to get the punchline, and one to point out the math is wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51twmx/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_get_a_joke/
%
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at the bar…

“You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I presume you have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think that logically speaking, you have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "Yes, I have a family." "So, because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a straight man." "I am straight. That's amazing! You were able to find out all of that just because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, and how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" "I'll give you an example," says Jim. "Do you own a weed eater?" "No." "Then you're gay.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tuik/two_texas_farmers_jim_and_bob_are_sitting_at_the/
%
Why does OSHA hate porn?

Because it's nsfw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tu9k/why_does_osha_hate_porn/
%
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but they'd have to be really, *really* small.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tt82/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
The difference between a female and a firearm?

I can put a silencer on my firearm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tqke/the_difference_between_a_female_and_a_firearm/
%
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A Quarter-Pounder with Cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tpc1/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_with_a_yeast/
%
Did you hear that Google has tied every single one of their programs to their browser?

I guess you could say that *all codes lead to Chrome*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51to1e/did_you_hear_that_google_has_tied_every_single/
%
What's the difference between an Nvidia card and an AMD card?

One empties your pocket.
The other makes Hot Pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tnrh/whats_the_difference_between_an_nvidia_card_and/
%
I finally got up the courage to introduce my girlfriend to my family.

Boy, is my wife pissed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tnre/i_finally_got_up_the_courage_to_introduce_my/
%
A guy walked into his friend's office

, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither, He's bald."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tms6/a_guy_walked_into_his_friends_office/
%
I hate how Apple took away the headphone socket all willy-nilly

It's like it means jack shit to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tmom/i_hate_how_apple_took_away_the_headphone_socket/
%
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat?

When your wife's clothes fit her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tmj7/how_do_you_know_when_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
%
You didn't like it.

I was going to tell you a joke about my time machine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tibk/you_didnt_like_it/
%
I spent this past weekend baby-proofing my house...

I'm not having a baby, but I hung up a bunch of anime posters to make sure that I never do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51thcj/i_spent_this_past_weekend_babyproofing_my_house/
%
the fertility specialist said they need another semen analysis.

Come again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tey8/the_fertility_specialist_said_they_need_another/
%
A farmer plants a field of dildos. What does he get?

Squatters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51tdzy/a_farmer_plants_a_field_of_dildos_what_does_he_get/
%
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

Wataaaaah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51td5y/what_is_bruce_lees_favorite_drink/
%
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do.

Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51t9gc/my_girlfriends_dad_asked_me_what_i_do/
%
Sex Ed class

Teacher : any questions?
Johnny : which sex position makes the ugliest kids?
Teacher : ask your parents.
*class fuckin loses it*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51t8uk/sex_ed_class/
%
How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51t7fe/how_do_you_milk_sheep/
%
I think I'm gonna fail my Women in Islam class

The course covers everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51t4n3/i_think_im_gonna_fail_my_women_in_islam_class/
%
Wanna see a banana split?

Wait until it turns black and tell it he's the father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51t4g0/wanna_see_a_banana_split/
%
A guy and his buddy are walking down the street

And they see a dog on the sidewalk licking his own balls. The guy says "shit, I wish I could do that".
His buddy says "shouldn't you at least pet him first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51t3gj/a_guy_and_his_buddy_are_walking_down_the_street/
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Three men stand at the Pearly Gates

Saint Peter explains to them that unfortunately Heaven is rather overcrowded at the moment, so they're only letting in people with the most horrific deaths.  One by one he asks them each how they perished.
The first man: I live on the 6th floor of an apartment building in Manhattan, and for some months now I've been suspecting that my wife has been cheating on me.  I came home from work early today and find her in bed, fully naked and somewhat sweaty.  She insists she was just tired and hot, but I know the truth so I search the apartment.  I search and search, and I just can't find the guy who's been plowing her.  I give up and go out on my balcony for some air and to clear my head, and there the son of a bitch is, hanging from the bottom railing!  I was so angry I just started punching and kicking him, but he had some death grip or something; he just wouldn't let go.  I take off my shoe and I start beating his hands with it, and he eventually drops.  In my rage at my wife and at the horrible mess that is my life, I grabbed my refrigerator and hurled it over the balcony as well.  I then had a heart attack and died from the over exertion.
Saint Peter nods that this is indeed a horrible death, so the man is allowed to enter Heaven.
The second man:  I live on the 7th floor of an apartment building in Manhattan, and I was out on my balcony for some air and enjoying the view as I always do after work, but when I leaned against my railing it came loose and I fell.  I was able to grab on to the bottom railing of the balcony below mine, where I clung for dear life praying someone would come rescue me.  Eventually someone came, but to my dismay he started punching and kicking me.  I held on for as long as I could, but when he took off his shoe and started hitting my fingers I eventually fell.  Somehow I managed to land in some bushes and I was just stunned.  I started to get up but then a refrigerator fell on me and squashed me.
Saint Peter again agrees that this is horrible, so the man is allowed entry.
The third man:  Okay so picture this right?  I'm naked in a refrigerator...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51t16h/three_men_stand_at_the_pearly_gates/
%
I went to the zoo and the only animal they had was a dog...

It was a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51t14w/i_went_to_the_zoo_and_the_only_animal_they_had/
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Why do ghosts get invited to parties?

Because they always bring boos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51sxw8/why_do_ghosts_get_invited_to_parties/
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How many monkeys does it take to write a Shakespeare novel by accident?

As many as it takes /r/jokes submitters to write an original joke. (by accident)^^^♻

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51sxh4/how_many_monkeys_does_it_take_to_write_a/
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A leopard can carry something twice its weight into a tree

and a cougar can carry something half her age to bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51sxbv/a_leopard_can_carry_something_twice_its_weight/
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What do you say to give an electrician encouragement?

"You conduit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51swfa/what_do_you_say_to_give_an_electrician/
%
North Korea bans sarcasm

What a great idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51swae/north_korea_bans_sarcasm/
%
I don't trust people with graph paper...

They're always plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51svr4/i_dont_trust_people_with_graph_paper/
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Did you hear about the paperboy who used to masturbate on the job?

No? Really? Weird, it was all over the news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51strh/did_you_hear_about_the_paperboy_who_used_to/
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How many Hillary Clinton fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Hillary Clinton fans prefer to stay in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ssl2/how_many_hillary_clinton_fans_does_it_take_to/
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I always thought Apple was filled with giant assholes, but boy was I wrong

Turns out they're really just tiny jack-offs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51so2g/i_always_thought_apple_was_filled_with_giant/
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

That's not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51smru/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51sjz8/a_jew_a_catholic_and_a_mormon_were_having_drinks/
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What math classes do gender studies majors take?

Triggernometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51sg6q/what_math_classes_do_gender_studies_majors_take/
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A Man, A Proud New Dad of a Baby Boy, Sits Down With His Father At An Irish Pub

They get a drink together at the Flannigan Pub, and his father, wearing a blue polo shirt, looks him in the eye and says "son, I'm very proud of you and now that you're a father and have a son of your own, I think it's time I give you something"
"Dad, you don't mean what I think you do?"
"I do, son" says the man's father
Out of his right front pocket, he pulls out a small, thick book that says it is "1001 Dad Jokes, 5th Edition".
Just then, a bartender asks them if they'd like another drink, or to try the house special. Wondering what the "house special is", they inquire about it only to be told that it is a special blend of ancient herbs from Guantanamo that are best combined with top shelf, Irish vodka.
"A bomb of ethnicity in your mouth", the bartender says.
The two agree to have a last shot, and while the bartender is meticulously crafting the beverage, the son, with tears in his eyes, thanks his father for the gift of a near endless arsenal of dad jokes at his disposal now.
"Dad, truly, I'm honored", the son says.
To which his father replies, "hi honored, I'm dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51sfko/a_man_a_proud_new_dad_of_a_baby_boy_sits_down/
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A lady goes to the doctor...

...when the doctor says, "I have some good news, and some bad news."
So the lady says, "Give me the good news first."
And the doctor replies, "Well, there's going to be a disease named after you..."
D:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51s97l/a_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
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It's not that hard to tell alligators and crocodiles apart...

...One will see you later, whereas the other will see you in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51s8zg/its_not_that_hard_to_tell_alligators_and/
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My friend was a pro at Russian Roulette

He only lost once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51s6fd/my_friend_was_a_pro_at_russian_roulette/
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A new study shows that un-vaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

because they are more likely to be dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51s1du/a_new_study_shows_that_unvaccinated_children_are/
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The Irish have a way with words.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he’d just been run over by a train.His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
''What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh!t, O'Conner," says Sean,"he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.''
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.''
” Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,didn't you have something in your hand?""
''That I did," said Paddy."Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but absolutely useless in a fight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rxql/the_irish_have_a_way_with_words/
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What happens when the USSR gets back together?

A Soviet Reunion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rxb8/what_happens_when_the_ussr_gets_back_together/
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How do feminists screw in a lightbulb?

By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them
EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rwp3/how_do_feminists_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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What was the executioner's favorite shampoo?

Head and shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rves/what_was_the_executioners_favorite_shampoo/
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They say 1 in 3 people live next to a pedophile

Not me I live next to 2 smoking hot 8 year olds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ruk1/they_say_1_in_3_people_live_next_to_a_pedophile/
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What's the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife?

A prostitute says "Faster, faster!"
A girlfriend says "More, more!"
A wife says "Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rrtm/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_a/
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Someone said my clothes were gay

I said "yeah they came out of the closet this morning"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rriq/someone_said_my_clothes_were_gay/
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I used to be very indecisive

But now I'm not so sure if I am anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rpo4/i_used_to_be_very_indecisive/
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You can say what you like about Paedophiles...

..at least they drive slowly in a school area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rotd/you_can_say_what_you_like_about_paedophiles/
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Do You Drink Beer?

Lady: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.
Lady: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5 with a tip.
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 20 years, I suppose.
Lady: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be $5400 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Lady: No... Why?
Man: Where's your Ferrari?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rnkk/do_you_drink_beer/
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How do you find a blind guy on a nude beach?

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rm85/how_do_you_find_a_blind_guy_on_a_nude_beach/
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My grandmother used to tell us a joke...

She’d say “Knock knock”, we’d say “Who’s there?”.
Then she’d say “I can’t remember”… and start to cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rkwa/my_grandmother_used_to_tell_us_a_joke/
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I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back…

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rj5k/i_said_to_my_girlfriend_that_i_think_shed_look/
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What's a depressed teenagers favorite activity?

Making their wrist look like their jeans.
(I'm sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rerv/whats_a_depressed_teenagers_favorite_activity/
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How do you kill a purple elephant?

**With a purple elephant gun.**
How do you kill a blue elephant?
**You tie a knot in it's trunk until it turns purple then shoot it with a purple elephant gun.**
How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
**Open the door and put it inside**
How do you put a lion in the refrigerator?
**Open the door, take out the giraffe, put in the lion.**
A Purple elephant is holding a meeting of all the animals in the world. What animal is not there?
**The lion, he is still in the refrigerator.**
You are on a safari in a jungle. You pass a sign that says beware of purple elephants. You hear a loud elephant's scream behind you as you come to a river. It has a sign that says beware of piranhas. How do you get across?
**You swim. The piranhas are still at the Elephant's meeting.**
A funny string of jokes I heard a while back. Hope you enjoyed them! Tell them to your friends, it's better to hear in person than read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51reos/how_do_you_kill_a_purple_elephant/
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I took my item up to the counter.

"I'd like to return this," I said, with a tear in my eye, "It didn't work."
He said, "I'm sorry. We can't do that with condoms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51reno/i_took_my_item_up_to_the_counter/
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Tom went to the Police Station

wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said Tom. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rc8m/tom_went_to_the_police_station/
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Did you hear that Jim Carrey lost his left arm in a horrific accident?

I guess that makes him all-righty then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51rbcu/did_you_hear_that_jim_carrey_lost_his_left_arm_in/
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What's E.T short for?

...'cause he's got little legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51r9z4/whats_et_short_for/
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If I had a nickel for every racist thing I said...

Some black guy would rob me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51r9wy/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_racist_thing_i_said/
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Why did Darth Vader get suspended from the Police?

He was under investigation for excessive use of Force

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51r9we/why_did_darth_vader_get_suspended_from_the_police/
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I woke up, after a drunken night, with two tattoos on my dick, but one of them was done in regular pen ink.

So I rubbed one out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51r9lc/i_woke_up_after_a_drunken_night_with_two_tattoos/
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The police came to my door to tell me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

The fuck they are, I said. My dogs don't even have bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51r4hk/the_police_came_to_my_door_to_tell_me_my_dogs/
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What's the difference between a bird and a fly?

A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51r4dp/whats_the_difference_between_a_bird_and_a_fly/
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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president...

...and 50 for Miss America?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51r4ab/why_do_americans_choose_from_just_two_people_to/
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What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51r3cb/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school?

He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qykf/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_the_school/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun actually does something when it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qxgh/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
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A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qseo/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_the_police/
%
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qpjr/a_jew_a_catholic_and_a_mormon_were_having_drinks/
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Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qn38/apple_woke_up_their_lead_designer_in_the_middle/
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Making jokes about rape is hard...

because it's such a touchy subject and you always have to force it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qmpa/making_jokes_about_rape_is_hard/
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Why did Boba Fett work alone?

Because he was hunting Solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qlxc/why_did_boba_fett_work_alone/
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What did the lactose intolerant guy say after having a glass of milk?

Please excuse my dairy air

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qlws/what_did_the_lactose_intolerant_guy_say_after/
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Dark in here...

More and more often a foreign man comes to mummy and the both disappear in the bedroom.
One day the 8-year-old son hides in the wardrobe to observe what the both are doing. Suddenly  the husband comes home.
The woman hides the lover also hides the lover in the wardrobe.
The son: "Pretty dark in here. "
The man whispers: Right. "
The son: "I have a football. "
The man: "Nice for you. "
The son: "Want to buy it? "
The man: "No thanks. "
The son: "My father is outdoors. "
The man: "OK, how much?"
The son: "250 $. "
During the next weeks it happens once more, that the son and her lover end up in the same wardrobe.
The son: "Pretty dark in here. "
The man: Right. "
The son: "I have sneakers. "
The man (in recollection ideally sighing): "How much?"
The son: "500 $. "
After a few days the father says to his son: "Take your
Football things and lets us play a round. "
The son: "I can't, I've sold them all. "
The father: "For how much?"
The son: "750 $. "
The father: "It is unbelievable that you cheat on your friends. This is  more than the things costed when they were new. I will bring you to the church so you can confess. "
The father brings his son to the church, puts him in the confessional and closes the door.
The son: "Pretty dark in here. "
The priest: "STOP IT ALREADY !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qltk/dark_in_here/
%
A woman just asked me what 'mansplaining' is.

I think it's a trap. We've been staring at each other in silence for nearly an hour now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qk99/a_woman_just_asked_me_what_mansplaining_is/
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The two mexicans, lost in the mexican desert..

Juan and Pablo had been wandering aimlessly around the mexican desert for three days now. Without food and water their hopes of finding civilisation were fading fast.. When through the mirage they sight a bacon tree!
The tree meant food, water and shelter so the two began running towards the tree.
"Juan, we are saved" Exclaimed Pablo
"sí Pablo, we are!"
Suddenly bullets began flying all around them, dashing into the sand at their feet, the two dive for cover behind a large rock. Pablo decides to take a look at what is going on by peeping his head over the rock and to the hope of savior drains from his body..
"What is it, Pablo? What do you see?!"
Pablo drops down beside his companion..
"Ohh Juan I'm so sorry, we have made a grave mistake.."
"WHAT IS IT PABLO?!" Juan barks.
"It is not a bacon tree..but a ham bush."
EDIT- Please use a stereotypical, humorous Mexican accent for all speaking parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qjzz/the_two_mexicans_lost_in_the_mexican_desert/
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What do you call a can made in Mexico?

A Mexican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qjdp/what_do_you_call_a_can_made_in_mexico/
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The new bull

A farmer recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. He put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. He was beginning to think he had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, he had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave him some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all his cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of the neighbor’s cows!
He was like a machine!
The farmer said he didn't  know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .. but they kind of taste like peppermint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qged/the_new_bull/
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How does a muslim man close a door?

Islams it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qfzq/how_does_a_muslim_man_close_a_door/
%
Why did Rose not buy the iPhone 7

Cause it didn't have a Jack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qe81/why_did_rose_not_buy_the_iphone_7/
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What superhero consists of only 16 atoms?

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51qdke/what_superhero_consists_of_only_16_atoms/
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What kind of present did the armless boy get for Christmas?

Gloves.
Jk he hasn't opened it yet!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51q9h0/what_kind_of_present_did_the_armless_boy_get_for/
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Only a fraction of you will get this

There's a fine line between numerator and denominator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51q9dp/only_a_fraction_of_you_will_get_this/
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How do you make your girlfriend cry while you're having sex?

Phone her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51q894/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_cry_while_youre/
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Ladder to Success

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
"Make love to me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51q7xo/ladder_to_success/
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This guy came up to me and told me that he fucked my mom

My step dad is weird as fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51q6lj/this_guy_came_up_to_me_and_told_me_that_he_fucked/
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What's the similarity between iPhone 7 and my girlfriend?

They both let me stick it in only one place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51q61s/whats_the_similarity_between_iphone_7_and_my/
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As a custom for most Native American tribes..

When a child is born, the chief of the tribe has to be present and must determine the name for the child. So one day a boy goes up to the chief and asks, "Chief, How do you come up with our names?", and the chief says, "Well, That's a very good question. In the moment that a child is born, i take a look around, see everything that i can see, listen for everything i can hear, and then whatever naturally comes into mind first is the name i give the child." The boy replies, "Well Chief, is there ever something that you see or hear that maybe you DON'T want to name a child?", and the chief looks at the boy and says, "um, no, not really.. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51q5j0/as_a_custom_for_most_native_american_tribes/
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A panda walks into a café.

He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"Well, I'm a panda," he says. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51pyuf/a_panda_walks_into_a_café/
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If I had 10 cookies and someone takes away 5, what would they have?

A broken hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51pxu5/if_i_had_10_cookies_and_someone_takes_away_5_what/
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I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51px55/i_went_to_the_patent_office_trying_to_register/
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I like my women like I like my wine...

7 years old and locked up in a cellar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51pwyi/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_wine/
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Duck walks into a bar...

Asks the bartender if he has any milk.  Bartender informs him he doesn't serve milk, so the duck leaves.  The following day the duck returns to the bar and asks the bartender if he has any milk, the bartender informs the duck he has no milk, so the duck leaves again.  The next day the duck comes back into the bar and asks for bartender for some milk.  The bartender being annoyed with this duck informs the duck: "I told you the past few days that I don't have any milk.  If you come in again and ask me for milk, I will nail you to the floor!"  The next day the duck comes in and asks the bartender "you got nails?", to which the bartender says "no, why?".  The duck responds with "Got Milk?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51pva5/duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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Guy tells a psychiatrist he has a fear of commitment.

Psychiatrist says, "There's no need to worry.  I only do that in extreme cases."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51pu1j/guy_tells_a_psychiatrist_he_has_a_fear_of/
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My Flirting

How I flirt is similar to how I run. I have really bad form, it's funny to watch and I end up sweating like a whore in a church.
P.S. - Not my joke, reposting something I read here a long time ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51psbb/my_flirting/
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What's the difference between humans and bullets?

Humans miss Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ps1a/whats_the_difference_between_humans_and_bullets/
%
Have you ever heard the joke about the three wells?

"No"
"Well, well, well...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51pr7i/have_you_ever_heard_the_joke_about_the_three_wells/
%
Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one'

So when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ppce/just_changed_my_facebook_name_to_no_one/
%
My girlfriend said she won't miss the iPhone headphone jack as much as everyone.

Said she goes to bed to another miniscule 3.5mm thing anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51pm7r/my_girlfriend_said_she_wont_miss_the_iphone/
%
Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51plu4/why_do_riot_police_like_to_get_to_work_early/
%
whats the difference between my sex life and racism

racism actually exists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51plnb/whats_the_difference_between_my_sex_life_and/
%
I got a nice Rolex from the lesbian couple next door after they asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

It's a cool gift and all, but I think they misunderstood me when I told them I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51plfs/i_got_a_nice_rolex_from_the_lesbian_couple_next/
%
In my spare time, I help blind kids

I mean the verb, not the adjective

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51pl50/in_my_spare_time_i_help_blind_kids/
%
What has 5 fingers but isn’t your hand?

My hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51pkv1/what_has_5_fingers_but_isnt_your_hand/
%
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year...

Now, it's Election night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51pjay/i_remember_when_halloween_was_the_scariest_night/
%
My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends...

I really hope it's Todd, he's cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51pfyi/my_friends_say_there_is_a_gay_guy_in_our_circle/
%
I’m really good at managing my credit card.

My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51pfjm/im_really_good_at_managing_my_credit_card/
%
My wife’s fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time.

She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51pf2u/my_wifes_fantasy_is_to_be_with_another_man_mine/
%
TIL there is a nerve that runs from the tear duct to the anus.

If you don't believe me, let me pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51pecf/til_there_is_a_nerve_that_runs_from_the_tear_duct/
%
I suck telling jokes..

Because I start laughing even before I reach the punchline. The doctor says I have a premature hehejaculation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51p6rc/i_suck_telling_jokes/
%
why does the mexican take xanax?

For hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51p6ox/why_does_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
Why did the feminist cross the road?

How dare you question the decisions of someone just because she's a woman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51p6af/why_did_the_feminist_cross_the_road/
%
A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar.

She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.She says, " I want a man that"s smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " Liver alone, cheese mine!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51p50w/a_black_guy_a_white_guy_and_a_mexican_guy_were/
%
Rabbi asks a Priest how do confessions work

The priest offers him to come on over and stay with him for a session and see how it works himself.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confession room. In a few minutes a man comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest says, "What did you do?"
Man says, "I committed adultery."
Priest says: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confession room. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest says, "What did you do?"
Man says, "I committed adultery."
Priest asks, "How many times?"
Man reply's, "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
The Priest then asks the Rabbi a favor, if he can cover for him while he takes a piss. The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it.
A man comes in shortly and says  "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi says, "What did you do?"
Man reply's, "I committed adultery."
Rabbi asks, "How many times?"
Man says "Twice."
Rabbi thinks for a second and says, "We got 3 for $5 special going, so do it one more time and come back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51p2xh/rabbi_asks_a_priest_how_do_confessions_work/
%
in the mental institution.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophiliac and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophiliac.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it?" says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it?" shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again?" said the necrophiliac.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it?" said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ovz6/in_the_mental_institution/
%
What kind of currency do astronauts use in space?

Starbucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51otyy/what_kind_of_currency_do_astronauts_use_in_space/
%
I lost my virginity to a mentally disabled girl last night

I wanted my first time to be special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51osjc/i_lost_my_virginity_to_a_mentally_disabled_girl/
%
Today I was asked to model for a stone sculpture

Life is wild guys don't take anything for granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51osat/today_i_was_asked_to_model_for_a_stone_sculpture/
%
Dogs can't operate an Mri machines...

But catscan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ooks/dogs_cant_operate_an_mri_machines/
%
My Dad asked if I wanted to go on a mountain climbing trip with him in Nepal,

I said, "Sher, pa"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51okup/my_dad_asked_if_i_wanted_to_go_on_a_mountain/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip

After a delightful meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see."  Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."  Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"
After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning.  Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.  Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today.  What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot!  Someone has stolen our tent!"
(By the way, I found this on the Internet and wanted to share it with you guys. It's a repost, but at least I'm honest)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51oj1p/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_went_on_a_camping/
%
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of the verse."

Six months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed, and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.
Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. Unfortunately, after just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck, and beat her.
Domestic violins - it's no joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51oiq6/a_banjo_asked_a_fiddle_to_marry_him_dont_frett_he/
%
A man goes to his doctor...

...for a routine check up. After running some tests, the doctor looks at the man and says, "I have some bad news and positive news."
The man replies, "Tell me the positive news."
"Your HIV test."
"Shit, well what's the bad news?"
"Your HIV test."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ogqi/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor/
%
What did Apply say to the iPhone 7?

Hit the road, Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51of3u/what_did_apply_say_to_the_iphone_7/
%
With all this talk of walls and migrants around the world.

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman find a golden lamp in a forest and when Paddy Englishman rubs it with his sleeve a Genie appears and gives them a wish each.
Paddy Scotsman says "I wish to have neverending riches and alcohol."
Paddy Englishman says "I wish there was a giant wall around England to keep out the Scots, the Welsh, the Irish and anyone else who wants to get in."
Paddy Irishman turns to the Genie and says "Tell me more about this wall."
The Genie says, "The wall is 500 foot high, and protects the English borders from all other nationalities, meaning no one can get in or out. It is completely unpenetrable."
Paddy Irishman then says, "I wish to fill it with water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51obnh/with_all_this_talk_of_walls_and_migrants_around/
%
What's Tim Cook's new nickname?

Jack The Ripper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51o7e9/whats_tim_cooks_new_nickname/
%
Why can't girls play hockey?

Their pads can't last three periods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51o6ms/why_cant_girls_play_hockey/
%
A wife is like a hand grenade.

Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51o4l4/a_wife_is_like_a_hand_grenade/
%
A college lecturer asks his students who is poorer...

A man with $1000 but is $750 in debt, or  a man with $250. The hall is silent for a moment, then a student stands up and answers
"Me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51o4ki/a_college_lecturer_asks_his_students_who_is_poorer/
%
The three unwritten rules of life

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51o2vi/the_three_unwritten_rules_of_life/
%
Why is oxygen like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51o1m9/why_is_oxygen_like_sex/
%
A boy walks up to his priest...

Boy: Father?
Priest: Yes?
Boy: I been thinking reeaal hard about something and i just can't figure it out.
Priest: Figure what out?
Boy: I just can't figure out if God is black or white. Do you know?
[*The priest chuckled*]
Priest: Son, you see there isn't a simple answer for that but i'd say God is both.
[*the boy walked off with a puzzled look*]
[*30 minutes later the boy comes back*]
Boy: Listen, i've thought about what you said and now i'm wondering whether God is a boy or a girl.
[*Again the Priest answered both*]
[*still confused the boy walked away and came back an hour later*]
Boy: Okay, so after all you've told me i still have one more question.
Priest: Well, what is it?
Boy: Is God Michael Jackson?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51o0tn/a_boy_walks_up_to_his_priest/
%
I just met a dude with 12 nipples!

I know, it scounds crazy, dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51nzcl/i_just_met_a_dude_with_12_nipples/
%
Kids these days don't give a fuck about acid

They're all about that base.
Credit to /u/Assorted_Jellymemes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51nxhm/kids_these_days_dont_give_a_fuck_about_acid/
%
I once farted in an Apple store...

It's not my fault they don't have windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51nx22/i_once_farted_in_an_apple_store/
%
A man died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate, the man saw an enormous wall covered

with clocks. He asked St. Peter, what's with the clocks? St. Peter explained that everyone was assigned a clock, and each time they told a lie, the clock would move ahead one minute.
The man saw a clock at straight up 12:00.
He asked whose clock that was. St. Peter replied, Mother Theresa, she never told a lie.
Another clock showed 12:02. He was told it belonged to Abe Lincoln. The man asked, where's Hillary's clock? St. Peter replied, "It's in Jesus' office, he uses it for a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51nvj2/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven_at_the_pearly_gate/
%
Doctor: Well ma'am looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: I'm pregnant?
Doctor: No it just looks like you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51nv4j/doctor_well_maam_looks_like_youre_pregnant/
%
There were three blondes going on a walk when they come across a river....

They don't know how to get across, but they decide to go to God for help. The first blonde says "please God, make me twice as smart as I am so I can get across this river" God hears this and decides to help, so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second blonde then says "please God make me ten times as smart so I can get across the river." God hears this and he turns her into a red head and she finds a boat on the river bank and goes across the river. The third one says "God, please make me one hundred times as smart so I can cross the river." So God turns her into a man and he uses the bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51nsnk/there_were_three_blondes_going_on_a_walk_when/
%
How does an optometrist make love?

Better like this ... or better like this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51nrvq/how_does_an_optometrist_make_love/
%
If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear...

Would Greece help?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51nk1c/if_russia_attacked_turkey_from_the_rear/
%
My first blowjob was like my first bike ride....

Two bruised knees, a sore jaw and my father telling me I was really good for a first timer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51nfa2/my_first_blowjob_was_like_my_first_bike_ride/
%
what do you call an alligator in a vest?

An Investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51n9oh/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
A weasel walks into a bar

And asks for a beer.
The bartender says "we can't serve alcohol to you."
"I'll just take a pop" goes the weasel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51n71u/a_weasel_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The history of the condom.

In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine.
In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.
~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51n6nh/the_history_of_the_condom/
%
A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods one day

when they stumble across a magic lamp. Rabbit rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. "You know the drill," he says. "You both get three wishes. What's it gonna be?"
Bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the entire forest were lady bears." And poof, it's done.
Rabbit says, "I wish for a helmet." And one appears in his paws.
Bear says, "I wish all the other bears on this continent were lady bears." And so it's done.
Rabbit says, "I wish for an electric scooter." And the genie makes it appear.
Then the genie says, "All right, time for your last wish. What does your heart really desire?"
Bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the whole world were lady bears."
And then Rabbit straps on his helmet, gets on his scooter, powers it up and says: "I wish Bear was gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51n67j/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_walking_through_the_woods/
%
Al Capone summons a man he lent money to

Al Capone gets his thugs to bring a man to him who has stolen $50,000 from him. Unfortunately the man speaks a language Al Capone, nor his thugs understand so they have to get a translator.
Al Capone tells the translator, 'ask him where the money is'
'Where is the money' the translator says
'I won't tell you, rot in hell worthless scum!' replies the thief
The translator tells Al Capone this and a sadistic grin spreads across his face, 'tell him we'll cut his balls off and feed them to his wife' he says
The translator tells the prisoner this and he starts sweating and quickly replies, 'it's underneath the Ambassador Bridge!'
Al Capone asks him what he said and the translator replies, 'he said fuck you'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51n629/al_capone_summons_a_man_he_lent_money_to/
%
What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?

They both suffered the loss of one very important port.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51mzj8/what_does_ukraine_have_in_common_with_the_iphone_7/
%
Why don't big trains have little trains?

They pull out on time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51mwh5/why_dont_big_trains_have_little_trains/
%
Why is I such a controlling letter?

Because I said so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51mw7v/why_is_i_such_a_controlling_letter/
%
A blind person places hand over a grater

"Who wrote this crap?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51mtdi/a_blind_person_places_hand_over_a_grater/
%
Donald Trump says he can "protect the Constitution"

Do people really think he can stop Nic Cage?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51mrl9/donald_trump_says_he_can_protect_the_constitution/
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Why, with twice the population of the United States at the time didn't China invent the airplane first?

Well, two Wongs don't make a Wright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51mqz7/why_with_twice_the_population_of_the_united/
%
The world is becoming too politically correct

You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say "Lamar can you please paint the fence".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51mpk8/the_world_is_becoming_too_politically_correct/
%
A feminist once asked me, "What's your view on lesbians?"

I said, "1080p."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51mm8b/a_feminist_once_asked_me_whats_your_view_on/
%
You don't need a parachute to go sky diving

You need a parachute to go sky diving twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51mlk9/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_sky_diving/
%
Wanna know something about whiteboards?

They're remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51mjqh/wanna_know_something_about_whiteboards/
%
I gave up on my growing list of optometry jokes

They just kept getting cornea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51miei/i_gave_up_on_my_growing_list_of_optometry_jokes/
%
A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar

Now that's a sweet ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51mf2e/a_donkey_fell_into_a_bowl_of_sugar/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

A blind man walks into a bar, orders a drink
and says, "Hey! Does anyone want to hear a
blonde joke?" Then the woman next to him
taps his shoulder and says, "Listen mister, I'm a
bodybuilder, 5 foot 9 of pure muscle, and I'm
blonde. The bouncer over there, he's a martial
arts expert and his hands are registered as
lethal weapons! He's blonde too! And the
bartender, she's 6 foot 2, is a roller derby star
and is also a blonde! So do you still wanna
tell that blonde joke?" To which the blind
man replies...
"Well not if I gotta explain it three times!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51meaa/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
At the Welfare office.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just *Hate* drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51m9ws/at_the_welfare_office/
%
whats the difference between the USA and a yogurt?

If you leave a yogurt unwatched for 500 years it will develop its own culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51m8av/whats_the_difference_between_the_usa_and_a_yogurt/
%
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51m7hd/the_propeller_is_just_a_big_fan_in_front_of_the/
%
Why are redditors from r/jokes bad at interior decorating?

Because they keep using the same material.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51m72c/why_are_redditors_from_rjokes_bad_at_interior/
%
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary...

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51m70r/a_man_and_his_wife_go_to_their_honeymoon_hotel/
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Irish Tenacity

Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The camel’s died.’
Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’
Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead camel.’
The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’
Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead camel!’
Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me.
I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead camel?’
Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off'
I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his $2 back.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51m647/irish_tenacity/
%
I saw a Sword-Swallowing act on TV and it said 'Don't try this at home'.

So I went to the park and tried it. Still fucking hurt myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51m5d0/i_saw_a_swordswallowing_act_on_tv_and_it_said/
%
People tell me that you shouldn't buy bootleg products because the quality isn't very good...

I disagree.  I recently purchased a copy of the black keys newest album from a guy on the street.  The quality of their #1 hit "Pyrite on the Ceiling" was superb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51m3m4/people_tell_me_that_you_shouldnt_buy_bootleg/
%
So a man comes into a bar.... no wait it was a horse

So a man comes into a horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51m2d0/so_a_man_comes_into_a_bar_no_wait_it_was_a_horse/
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A husband and wife discusstion

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"  The husband said, "No sweetie."  The woman said, "I'm sure you would."  So the man said, "Okay, I would"  Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"  And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."  Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"  And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51lz4k/a_husband_and_wife_discusstion/
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3 men in a boat with 4 cigarettes but no way to light them. What do they do?

Throw one cigarette away and the boat becomes one cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51lxpq/3_men_in_a_boat_with_4_cigarettes_but_no_way_to/
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Doing Drugs O o Going to Prison o O

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.  I'll see you back in court Monday.”
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?”
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful.  How did you do it?” ”I used a diagram, your honour.  I drew two circles like this: O o.  Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people!  How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.  "I drew two circles like this: o O.  Then I pointed to the little circle and said, “This is your asshole before going to prison.................."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51lwss/doing_drugs_o_o_going_to_prison_o_o/
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A blonde was sitting at the first class seat on a plane...

The air stewardress tried to pursuade her to return back to economy, which she had bought. The blonde replied: "im blonde, im fabulous and im going to london."
After much persuasion, the blonde still refused to move away. The air stewardress had no choice but to call upon the captain to tell her to move back to her seat.
The air stewardress entered the cockpit, explained the situation and the captain nodded his head. He went to the blonde and whispered in her ear. The blonde immediately moved back to economy.
The air stewardress, amazed, asked the captain what he said to the blonde. The captain replied: "simple, i told her first class aint going to london"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51lvi6/a_blonde_was_sitting_at_the_first_class_seat_on_a/
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A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"The customer says, "Female"The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"The customer says, "White"The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"The counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51lv6b/a_guy_goes_in_an_adult_store_and_asks_for_an/
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A Nice Catch

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A tipsy- ooking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51luh6/a_nice_catch/
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85 year old Mr. Horwitz goes to see the priest to give a confession

"Father, forgive me, I have slept with another woman than my wife" the old man confesses.
"Mr. Horwitz, didn't your wife pass about 10 years ago? In fact, I have seen you out dating other women in the last few years..." the Priest responds.
"Yes, she did, Father, and I have dated, but this woman is younger -- much younger -- only 29."
"Well, OK, Mr. Horwitz, I can help counsel you... but let me ask you ... Why are telling me? Aren't you Jewish?"
"Me sleeping with a 29 year old? I'm telling everybody!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ltsq/85_year_old_mr_horwitz_goes_to_see_the_priest_to/
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Vaginas are like the weather

If its wet, its time to go inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51lt61/vaginas_are_like_the_weather/
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What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Cha Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51lt3x/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_billionaire/
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I have to catch the 4:23 train

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51lrrg/i_have_to_catch_the_423_train/
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The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton'

which also means nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51lpgl/the_word_nothing_is_a_palindrome_nothing_reversed/
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I ran out of toilet paper at Hartsfield/ATL. Then I remembered my mom had told me I could use pages from a book in a pinch.

I gotta say...it's really hard to wipe with an e-book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51lmjk/i_ran_out_of_toilet_paper_at_hartsfieldatl_then_i/
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The future

The world in 10 years...
MTV announcer: a new punk rock band making its way to the top 100...
Band leader: I'm sorry did you just assume our genre?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51lm65/the_future/
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The One-Step Guide To Be A Hipster

1.
Don't follow this guide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51lkxv/the_onestep_guide_to_be_a_hipster/
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Father wakes up his son and asks him a question.

What has 4 legs and isn't alive?
It's a chair dad... Why are you bothering me with this?!
No Jimmy, it's your dog...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ljx9/father_wakes_up_his_son_and_asks_him_a_question/
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Where do facts come from?

The factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51le1n/where_do_facts_come_from/
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What's similar about a shy jihad and a bagpipe

They only make noise once they've been blown up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51lb3s/whats_similar_about_a_shy_jihad_and_a_bagpipe/
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I once ate an entire pack of rope

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51l9dv/i_once_ate_an_entire_pack_of_rope/
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My better half said period jokes aren't clever

So I wound up discarding 3 pages of jokes i had expounded on the Victorian period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51l7fk/my_better_half_said_period_jokes_arent_clever/
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I knew she'd come crawling to me..

I mean, I DID steal her wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51l7ex/i_knew_shed_come_crawling_to_me/
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I'd like to explain what happened before the big bang

Unfortunately there's no time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51l73c/id_like_to_explain_what_happened_before_the_big/
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Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school.......

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenny," he says.
"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.
"I have three questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?”
Just then the bell rings for recess.
Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says,
"Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?”
A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.
"What is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State? "Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? "And, fifth -- where's Kenny"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51l6rm/hillary_clinton_goes_to_a_giftedstudent_primary/
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Blonde Joke

An old visually impaired cattle rustler meanders into an all-young lady biker bar by misstep...
He discovers his way to a bar stool and requests an injection of Jack Daniels.
Subsequent to staying there for some time, he shouts to the barkeep, 'Hello, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar quickly falls completely quiet.
In a profound, imposing voice, the lady by him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is not out of the question, given that you are visually impaired, that you ought to know five things:
The barkeep is a blonde young lady with a polished ash.
The bouncer is a blonde young lady with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde lady with a dark belt in karate.
The lady sitting beside me is blonde and an expert weight lifter.
The woman to your privilege is blonde and an expert wrestler.
'Presently, consider it truly, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The visually impaired cowhand thinks for a brief moment, shakes his head and mumbles, 'No...not in case I'm going to need to clarify it five times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51l6f6/blonde_joke/
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Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a prostitute."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51l5oe/probably_old_but_i_got_it_in_email_and_it_made_me/
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I try to teach my mom something new everyday

Because apparently you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51l3dl/i_try_to_teach_my_mom_something_new_everyday/
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If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine.

But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51l2ve/if_a_female_fighter_pilot_shoots_down_a_lot_of/
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What do you do when you see a Flock of Seagulls?

You run. You run so far away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51kpsz/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_flock_of_seagulls/
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I lost my watch at a party.

After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51kp6d/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party/
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My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike

My dad was holding me from behind .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51kp3v/my_first_time_having_sex_was_like_my_first_time/
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I recently joined a nudist colony..

The first week was the hardest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51kn57/i_recently_joined_a_nudist_colony/
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What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51kmnc/whats_the_difference_between_paul_walker_and_my/
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A rabbit needs to shit in the woods...

... but the animals have agreed in the sake of understandable issues not to crap all over the place where they live. And let me tell you they also appointed the local police-bear to watch out for any rule-breakers.
Still, the rabbit is feeling a very hard urge to let go a few of his brown droplets in a secluded area. He knew that the fox did it and the bear didn't catch him so he had it going for him. Alas, the police-bear happened to be in the vicinity of the crime. He didn't see it happening but let me tell you he had a nose for these kind of things, he even caught a pair of birds shitting off of a tree branch.
Now, the police-bear approaches the rabbit *"Did you shit in the woods, rabbit?"*
The rabbit quickly covers his misdoing with his hat. *"No, sir, but as others might say, does the bear shit in the wood"*
Rather angrily and not amused the police-bear answers *"Don't play smartass with me, I saw you covering your shit with your hat"*
*"But sir I mean it, I have not shat here. You see I was catching a butterfly, that's what I covered with my hat"*
*"Then lift your hat"*
*"No can do, it will fly away"*
The police-bear thinks, this rabbit won't outfox him like the fox did earlier. He readies his pistol and shoots a couple of rounds at the hat. "Now it won't fly away, lift your hat"
*"Aye, sir"* and the rabbit slowly raises the hat, and as the police bear sees the shit beneath, the rabbit exclaims in a high pitched voice:
*"**Fuck, bear, you shot the living crap out of it!**"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51kkzj/a_rabbit_needs_to_shit_in_the_woods/
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What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?

A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51khz1/whats_the_difference_between_a_golf_ball_and_a_g/
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Stevie Wonder walks into a bar...

Then a table, then a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ke1v/stevie_wonder_walks_into_a_bar/
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I can't believe this happened

I was on the toilet, and shortly after I sat down I heard from the stall next door, "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed but not wanting to be rude I said "doing fine?" Then I hear them ask "So what are you up  to?". ?!?! "Um..." I said "Same as you I'd guess. Just sitting here." Then I'm completely caught off guard when asked "Can I come over?" "I'm kind of busy at the moment" Annoyed I responded. Then I hear "Listen, I'll call you back later, the idiot in the next stall is answering all of my questions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51kdk0/i_cant_believe_this_happened/
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So my new girlfriend plays soccer professionally

I think she's a keeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51kd3h/so_my_new_girlfriend_plays_soccer_professionally/
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My math teacher said I was average.

How mean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51kc64/my_math_teacher_said_i_was_average/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51kavw/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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Old man and teenage boy sitting on a bus..

There was an old man sitting next to a teenage boy on the bus. The teenager had a long Mohawk with several different colors dyed into it. The old man keeps staring at the teenage boy's hair until the kid snaps and says, "what old man you've never done anything crazy before ?" The old man replies, " I once fucked a peacock I was wondering if you were my son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ka99/old_man_and_teenage_boy_sitting_on_a_bus/
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A man goes into his doctor feeling really nervous

He asks his doctor "can you keep a secret?" The doctor replies "Yes I can, doctor patient confidentiality."
The man looks around to make sure nobody can hear him, then he whispers to the doctor "Between you and me, there are five testicles in this room."
The doctor looks at him with a blank expression, then replies "So, you're telling me you only have one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51k9z4/a_man_goes_into_his_doctor_feeling_really_nervous/
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What's worse than having ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51k7gu/whats_worse_than_having_ants_in_your_pants/
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I'm not fat, i'm half-Bulemic.

I eat everything i see, but i can't throw up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51k56w/im_not_fat_im_halfbulemic/
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"A touching story"

One day a girl was walking from school... On the way home she saw a cat by the road lying dead.
The girl went and touched the cat to see if it would respond but there was no response.. She touched it again still no response... She then touched it again and again and again.
As i said its a touching story...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51k3bc/a_touching_story/
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Let's Talk

A stranger was seated next to Ken on an empty flight to England. The stranger turned to Ken and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.”
Ken, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “Okay, what would you like to talk about?”
“I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”
“Okay,” said Ken. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”
“Well then,” said Ken, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
^Credit ^to ^Lawrence ^Dorfman ^in ^*The ^Snarks ^Handbook*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51k1t5/lets_talk/
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Attorneys, Witnesses and a few jokes

Got an email fwd that claims these are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters ________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the law exam?
_______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious.
_______
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_______
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_______
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_______
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNE : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_______
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I ., but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jz03/attorneys_witnesses_and_a_few_jokes/
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Trust is the most important thing in a relationship.

After all, if you can't trust your girlfriend, how do you know she won't tell your wife?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jx65/trust_is_the_most_important_thing_in_a/
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You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking.

Stupid mosquitoes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jws7/you_sneak_into_my_room_unnoticed_you_gently_touch/
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If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam

I’d have $ 6.30 now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jwb0/if_i_got_50_cents_for_every_failed_math_exam/
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What's the best part about taking advice from r/relationships ?

You'll never have to worry about being in a long-term relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jrns/whats_the_best_part_about_taking_advice_from/
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In most of the country, if you lose your khakis you have no pants...

But in Boston, if you lose your khakis you can't start your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jqdh/in_most_of_the_country_if_you_lose_your_khakis/
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New frightening study released statistic that as much as 25% of Women are diagnosed clinically insane

Especially frightening because that means there is 75% walking around undiagnosed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jpsx/new_frightening_study_released_statistic_that_as/
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What's the difference between a bag of cocaine & a small child?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jppc/whats_the_difference_between_a_bag_of_cocaine_a/
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Why are there so many female archeologists?

Because women love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jkxp/why_are_there_so_many_female_archeologists/
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TIL 9/10 redditors are bad at math.

I'm glad to be the 1%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jjvr/til_910_redditors_are_bad_at_math/
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Why did Adele cross the road?

So she could say hello from the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jil2/why_did_adele_cross_the_road/
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You realize that Islam is a religion of peace right??

There's a piece of you here, a piece of you over here, another piece over there..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ji8o/you_realize_that_islam_is_a_religion_of_peace/
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A Bear and A Rabbit Walking Through the Woods

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a magic lamp. Rabbit rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. "You know the drill," he says. "You both get three wishes. What's it gonna be?"
Bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the entire forest were *lady bears*." And poof, it's done.
Rabbit says, "I wish for a helmet." And one appears in his paws.
Bear says, "I wish all the other bears on this continent were *lady bears.*" And so it's done.
Rabbit says, "I wish for an electric scooter." And the genie makes it appear.
Then the genie says, "All right, time for your last wish. What does your heart *really* desire?"
Bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the whole *world* were *lady bears.*"
And then Rabbit straps on his helmet, gets on his scooter, powers it up and says: "I wish Bear was gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jfj2/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_walking_through_the_woods/
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A feminist once asked me, "What's your view on lesbians?"

I said, "1080p"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jf88/a_feminist_once_asked_me_whats_your_view_on/
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Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?

He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jeyj/why_does_the_easter_bunny_hide_easter_eggs/
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If you light a fire for a man...

He'll be warm for the whole day.
If you throw a man in a fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jelh/if_you_light_a_fire_for_a_man/
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A Frenchman is buying a bread stick and the cashier asks..

"are you okay carrying this loaf?”
to which he replies
“baguette”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jc9d/a_frenchman_is_buying_a_bread_stick_and_the/
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[Long] 5 Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian Border

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them, "It's a illegala to putta 5 People in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" Asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian Official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze Automobile...." The German says unbelievingly,
"Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 Persons".
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian Customs Officer, "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the Law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry...." Responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy with 2 Passengers who arrived in a Fiat Uno."
😜😜😜

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jc7l/long_5_germans_in_an_audi_quattro_arrive_at_the/
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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabe

th went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jbpg/dolly_parton_and_queen_elizabe/
%
I broke up with my Gym....

We were just not working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jbme/i_broke_up_with_my_gym/
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So an interviewer asked me a question..

A: Your greatest weakness? B: Interpreting semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmaticsA: Could you give an example?B: Yes, I could

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51jacm/so_an_interviewer_asked_me_a_question/
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Anti-Jokes

Whats green and smells like red paint? Green paint.
Whats worse than biting in to an apple and finding a worm? Getting raped by a giant scorpion.
A horse walks in to a bar. Several people get up and leave as they spot the potential danger in the situation.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Why did the sheep fall off the cliff? Because it was blind.
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for christmas? An untreatable heart condition.
How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Get in the Batmobile.
A man walks in to a bar. He is an alcoholic who is ruining his relationship with his family, his finances, and his career.
How many Jews does it take two change a lightbulb? Only one depending on height. Two if they're short; one to hold the ladder and one to screw in the lightbulb.
Why did the black man buy three boxes of condoms? Because he practices safe sex and they were on sale.
Why do black people eat fried chicken? Because it tastes good.
What did Stephen Hawking say to a prostitute? Nothing. Stephen Hawking cannot speak due to his ALS. Instead he uses software and speakers connected to a sensor activated by a muscle in his cheek.
A duck walks in to a bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't respond because ducks cannot speak and the bartender is a moron for thinking the duck has something to say.
If you want to burn a lot of calories you should find a fat kid and set him on fire.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Why did the chicken cross the road? We don't know.
What's funnier than a pile of dead babies? Just about anything is funnier than a pile of dead babies.
Why are black people so good at basketball? Dedication and hard work.
Stephen Hawking walks in to a bar.
What do you call a man that has no arms an no legs? Whatever he says his name is.
Haikus are easy.
But some times they don't make sense.
Refrigerator.
Why did the girl fall off the swing? Someone threw a tire at her.
How do you stop a black man from drowning? Throw him a floatation device.
Why did the black man buy a watermelon? Because he likes watermelon.
Why did the white man buy a watermelon? Because he likes watermelon.
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen? Five.
A daring man proclaimed, "Well, here goes nothing." Then nothing proceeded to happen.
Thank you Reddit for supplying me with many of these jokes and inspiring many more! I didn't come up with most of these, but applied my own creativity to some.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51j942/antijokes/
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A doctor tells his patient, "I have bad news and I have really bad news."

The patient says "Give me the really bad news first."
The doc responds, "Unfortunately, you have stage 4 cancer, and you'll be dead within a month."
The patient shakes his head, trying to take it all in.  "Ok..." he says, "what's the bad news?"
"The bad news," the doctor continues, "is that you have Alzheimer's disease."
"Seriously?!" the patient exclaims.  "Well, I guess it could be worse.  I could be dying of cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51j7r0/a_doctor_tells_his_patient_i_have_bad_news_and_i/
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Daughter asked me she wants to feel like a princess

so I forced her on a marriage with a man she's never met to secure our alliance with the French.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51j74m/daughter_asked_me_she_wants_to_feel_like_a/
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Me "I love this song, nothing can ruin it"

Kidz bop "challenge accepted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51j52m/me_i_love_this_song_nothing_can_ruin_it/
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What do the twin towers and genders have in common?

There are too many reposts about both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51j4pv/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_genders_have_in_common/
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Your best friend has three girlfriends.

Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me. All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates. Three days ago Doe kisses him. Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex. Yesterday, who sucks his dick?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51j1hr/your_best_friend_has_three_girlfriends/
%
Roses are red...

Roses are red
Violets are red
Trees are red
Shit my garden is on fire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51iysb/roses_are_red/
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Young Billy discovers the power of prayers

One day Billy's teacher yells at him for not doing his homework. He feels upset and when in bed he prays' Dear God, please kill my teacher"
When he goes to the school, he learns that his teacher passed away. He comes back home amazed by the power of his new forms of communication.
Second day, his grandma eats the last piece of cake he was hoping to eat. He feels upset and later that night when in bed he prays ' Dear God, please kill my grandma'
In the morning grandma is dead.
He realizes that it is not coincidence.
One night he wants to stay late to watch TV but his dad says no and sends him to bed. He prays ' Dear God , please kill my father'.
He wakes up to and goes to the kitchen for breakfast. Only to see his dad on the table drinking coffee and reading the newspaper.
His mother while making omelette says ' The mailman had a heart attack last night,  poor guy couldn't make it. You should call his wife to offer your condolences'
*Editing is highly appreciated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51iyju/young_billy_discovers_the_power_of_prayers/
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How can you tell when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes start to pile up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51iy4k/how_can_you_tell_when_your_wife_is_dead/
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A Bartender Says, "We Don't Serve Time Travelers"

A time traveler enters the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ixy8/a_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers/
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True Story,

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51iwsd/true_story/
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I like my women like I like my coffee.

Given away for free at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51iwsc/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Math joke

My Calculus teacher told me:"Degrees are essentially useless in this class, we will use radians instead."
I replied:"Is that why you're teaching Calculus?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51iqez/math_joke/
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What do you call a beach where you go to shoot gorillas and break Islamic law?

Haram Bay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51iq2p/what_do_you_call_a_beach_where_you_go_to_shoot/
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What do the twin towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two and now it's offensive to talk about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51iq19/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_genders_have_in_common/
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Son takes his father to the doctor...

... The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.
When the friends leave, the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"
The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51iog9/son_takes_his_father_to_the_doctor/
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On the technique of a professional politician

Let's talk politics - this dirty trick always works:
I told my son, "You 're going to marry the girl chosen by me."
He said "no!"
I said, "she is the daughter of Bill Gates."
He said: "ok."
I called Bill Gates and told him, "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates said "no."
I told Bill Gates, "my son is the CEO of the World Bank."
Bill Gates said, "ok."
I called the president of the World bank and asked him, "Can you make my son the CEO?"
He said "no."
I told him: "My son is the son-in-law of Bill Gates."
He said : "ok."
This is exactly how politics works. After seeing this, I understand why politics has so many downfalls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ijrz/on_the_technique_of_a_professional_politician/
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A dead lawyer

lawyer dies in his sleep and arrives at the gates of heaven.
He asks St Peter "Why am I here? I was healthy, and so young!"
St Peter replies "Young? You were 103 years old!"
The lawyer says "What? No! I was 36!!"
St Peter looks at his ledger and then says "Ahh, I see the problem. We were going by hours billed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51iicu/a_dead_lawyer/
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Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift's relationship is over after just three months because he wanted it to be more public...

I guess she wanted it to be more Loki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51iiar/tom_hiddleston_and_taylor_swifts_relationship_is/
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What's the difference between fighting on the internet and participating in the paralympics?

None, even if you win, you're still retarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51icmz/whats_the_difference_between_fighting_on_the/
%
A veteran goes for a job interview at the Post Office.

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.
”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you five extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51i5gk/a_veteran_goes_for_a_job_interview_at_the_post/
%
My girlfriend wanted me to make her feel like she's the only girl in the world.

So I signed her up for Electrical Engineering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51i37d/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_make_her_feel_like/
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What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51i2ca/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
%
My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.

She's kind of high maintenance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51i2aa/my_girlfriend_is_a_stoner_who_works_at_a_hotel/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee....

All over my lap while I'm driving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51i2a6/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
There was once a millionaire who collected a large amount of alligators as pets.

One day he held a party and came up with a proposition. He said if anyone could swim across the alligator infested pool and emerge unharmed he would pay them $1 million or give them his beautiful daughter's hand in marriage.
Immediately after he finished saying this he heard a splash and the entire crowd watched and cheered as a young man swam quickly across the pool, thrashing and splashing, and moments later emerging from the water unharmed.
The millionaire was overcome with laughter, and with tears in his eyes said that he would honor his end of the bargain.
"Well", he said,"do you want the $1 million or my daughter? The young man answered, "Sir, I don't want your money or your daughter, I just want to know who the hell pushed me into that pool!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51i1tl/there_was_once_a_millionaire_who_collected_a/
%
A feminist once asked me: "What's your view on lesbians?"

I responded: "1080p."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hyy6/a_feminist_once_asked_me_whats_your_view_on/
%
Can your dick touch your asshole?

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole ?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your asshole ?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your asshole ?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah it can!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hxta/can_your_dick_touch_your_asshole/
%
Why do cows wear bells?

...because their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hxdp/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
%
Chuck Norris Compilation

Chuck Norris can lift up a chair with one hand... While he's sitting on it...
Chuck Norris can sit at the corner of a round table
Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. *favorite
Chuck Norris did 5 successful suicide bomb missions
Chuck Norris can in fact eat water.
Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.
Chuck Norris can hi-five himself with one hand.
Once chuck norris and time had a race. The time is still running.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird
Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hw6c/chuck_norris_compilation/
%
Give a man a jacket, and he will be warm for the day.

Teach a man to jacket, and he will never leave his house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51huwo/give_a_man_a_jacket_and_he_will_be_warm_for_the/
%
What do we want?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!

When do want them?!
NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWW!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hukr/what_do_we_want_low_flying_airplane_noises/
%
How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hu4k/how_my_husband_and_i_terrified_a_taxi_driver/
%
How can a man go eight days without sleep?

No problem , He sleeps at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hsy6/how_can_a_man_go_eight_days_without_sleep/
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I walked into the Reddit restaurant.

All the servers were busy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hs43/i_walked_into_the_reddit_restaurant/
%
What does a pedophile and a turtle have in common?

They both wanna get there before the hare does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hqrl/what_does_a_pedophile_and_a_turtle_have_in_common/
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My son got thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class jack him off...

I said "Son, That's three schools this year...maybe teaching is not for you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hpxs/my_son_got_thrown_out_of_school_today_for_letting/
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What does a lumberjack and a trio of Irishmen have in common?

They're both tree fellers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hned/what_does_a_lumberjack_and_a_trio_of_irishmen/
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Never in my life have I seen so much corruption, bribery, bIackmail, jealousy, theft, fraud, deception, and outright bloodshed.

And honestly I'm wondering why I even play Monopoly with my family in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hmc8/never_in_my_life_have_i_seen_so_much_corruption/
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What is it called when a man talks dirty to a woman?

Sexual Harassment.
What about when the woman talks dirty to the man?
$3.99 a minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hlb0/what_is_it_called_when_a_man_talks_dirty_to_a/
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What's the best way to make your wife angry during sex?

Call her and tell her where you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hkzl/whats_the_best_way_to_make_your_wife_angry_during/
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People use to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

No ones laughing now!
:(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hkqx/people_use_to_laugh_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to/
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What are 3 words that men hate during sex?

*"Honey*, I'm home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hkgm/what_are_3_words_that_men_hate_during_sex/
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This guy walks into a bar in Redneck county and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"The guy says, "I"m from England."The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in England?"The guy responds, "I"m a taxidermist."The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"The guy says "I mount animals."The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It"s OK boys, he's one of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hhnu/this_guy_walks_into_a_bar_in_redneck_county_and/
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My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says “You guys need to learn your limits.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hffh/my_favorite_math_joke/
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How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But only if the light bulb wants to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51heri/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hdpk/why_i_fired_my_secretary/
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How many Feminists did it take to change the lightbulb?

None, we hired a handyman since his work was better for same equal pay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hdi9/how_many_feminists_did_it_take_to_change_the/
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I'll admit that the Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart...

But doing it with their eyes closed... that's a bit cocky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hd14/ill_admit_that_the_chinese_kids_in_math_class_are/
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There's only one thing I want for Chistmas...

Santa's list for naughty girls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hb75/theres_only_one_thing_i_want_for_chistmas/
%
Why do bulimics love KFC?

It comes with a bucket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51hah4/why_do_bulimics_love_kfc/
%
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was mad.  She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"  The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.  Bob has been missing since Friday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ha2u/bob_forgot_his_wedding_anniversary/
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I tried to join the local hide and seek club today

But I couldn't find them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51h9j6/i_tried_to_join_the_local_hide_and_seek_club_today/
%
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51h9bq/why_couldnt_helen_keller_drive/
%
What's a Paralympian's biggest fear?

Testing positive for WD-40.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51h9aw/whats_a_paralympians_biggest_fear/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee.

Hot af, overpriced and all over me within 30 seconds of getting in the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51h8ko/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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I finally stopped the annoying noise in my car.

I just opened the door and shoved her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51h5qj/i_finally_stopped_the_annoying_noise_in_my_car/
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A guy is walking by a gym, when he notices a sign out front that reads "Lose 5 Pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!"

Curious, he enters the gym.  He asks about the sign and the clerk tells him it's legit, but it costs $100.  The clerk also tells him that if he doesn't lose 5 pounds, he gets his money back.
The guy shrugs and lays $100 on the counter.  He is led to a large, empty room covered in floor mats.  A beautiful 20-year-old woman enters the room on the other side, wearing a shirt that says "If you catch me, you can fuck me."  She smiles, waves, and winks at him.
He begins chasing her around the large room, but she is in great shape and he doesn't come close.  After ten minutes, he is a panting, sweating mess, and she yells "Better luck next time!" before disappearing out the door.  Pissed off, he walks over to a scale and sees that, sure enough, he lost five pounds.  He figures the money was worth it, since he lost five pounds.
The next day, he's walking by the gym when he notices a new sign: "Lose 10 pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!"  Even more curious, he enters the gym and plops down another $100 on the counter.
He is led to an even larger, empty room covered in mats.  The door on the other side of the room opens, and a large, athletic man walks in.  His shirt reads "If I catch you, *I* fuck *you*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51h484/a_guy_is_walking_by_a_gym_when_he_notices_a_sign/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping?

They had to wake him up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51h3tw/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping/
%
Interviewer: Where were you born?

Me: Missouri.
I: What state are you in now?
M: Apathy.
I: That's not what I meant.
M: I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51h3se/interviewer_where_were_you_born/
%
Roses are red, I'm feeling blue

There's one less gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51h3ef/roses_are_red_im_feeling_blue/
%
What do you call a black woman who has had 8 abortions?

A crime fighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51h34p/what_do_you_call_a_black_woman_who_has_had_8/
%
To test my ability to emphasthize I tried to force myself to empathize with Brock Turner

But if I learned anything from him it's that some things should never be forced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51h2m3/to_test_my_ability_to_emphasthize_i_tried_to/
%
A man is at his wife's funeral

"My condolences. I can't imagine how terrible it must've been to lose a wife."
"That's okay, I'm used to it. This is the fourth time I got married and my wife died. My first wife died after eating a venomous mushroom."
"How about your second wife?"
"She ate a venomous mushroom."
"And your third wife?"
"Also a venomous mushroom."
"I bet your fourth wife also died after eating a venomous mushroom."
"Nah, she was shot in the head."
"Why?"
"Because the bitch refused to eat the fucking mushroom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51gzvh/a_man_is_at_his_wifes_funeral/
%
There is a band called 1023MB

They haven't had any gigs yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51gygo/there_is_a_band_called_1023mb/
%
Three men walk into a car part store...

“I need taillights for a Mustang” the first one says. “What year?” the employee asks. “2015” he answers. “There you go”, the worker hands in the parts. The second guy goes to the counter, saying “I need a steering wheel for a Mustang”. “What year?”
“1997” he answers. “There you go”. After he payed, the third guy comes to the counter. “I need rear suspensions for a Mustang”. “There you go”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51gw4w/three_men_walk_into_a_car_part_store/
%
Farts that don't stink

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51gvbn/farts_that_dont_stink/
%
A depressed blonde decided that she wanted to commit suicide.

She went to the park to find a tree to hang herself on. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose are your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51gqm9/a_depressed_blonde_decided_that_she_wanted_to/
%
Why isn't there golf in the Paralympics?

Because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51gnxo/why_isnt_there_golf_in_the_paralympics/
%
What do Trump and lip stick have in common?

Both make Hillary Clinton more attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51gkiu/what_do_trump_and_lip_stick_have_in_common/
%
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51gjjg/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeves/
%
A casket falls out of the back of a hearse and is careening down a hill straight toward a drug store.

The limo driver tells the grieving husband.."Don't worry.  They will have something in there to stop her coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51gikj/a_casket_falls_out_of_the_back_of_a_hearse_and_is/
%
I was up late last night, trying to figure out why the sun disappeared

Then it dawned on me....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ghx2/i_was_up_late_last_night_trying_to_figure_out_why/
%
Prayers for dealing with the stress of modern life

The first one is a prayer you say in the bus/train in the morning when you can't find a seat.
I always find if I pray loud enough to Allah, I get the train to myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ge0e/prayers_for_dealing_with_the_stress_of_modern_life/
%
What's the most popular family car in Norway?

The Fjord Focus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51gber/whats_the_most_popular_family_car_in_norway/
%
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides

a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire
fighters helmet. The wagon is pulled by her dog and cat.
The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dogs collar and to the cats testicles.
"Little partner," says the fire fighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you would go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but, then I wouldn't have a siren."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51g8ry/a_fire_fighter_is_working_outside_the_station/
%
Found out i was colourblind the other day..

Hit me right out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51g74s/found_out_i_was_colourblind_the_other_day/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of lager followed by 12 shots of vodka

The barman then watches, amazed, as the bloke downs them one after the other. Recovering, the customer says:
'I shouldn't have done that with what I've got.'
'What have you got?' Asked the barman.
The customer looked at him guiltily. 'Oh, about two dollars.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51g6qx/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_10_pints_of/
%
A teenage boy to his father...

A teenage boy to his father: "Father, I am not a virgin anymore."
Father: "Wow that's great. Come, let's sit down and drink something to celebrate this moment."
Son: "Ok, I can drink with you but I really cannot sit down for a while."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51g5pc/a_teenage_boy_to_his_father/
%
A priest asks the murderer at the electric chair....

-"Do you have any last requests?”
-"Yes,can you please hold my hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51g37x/a_priest_asks_the_murderer_at_the_electric_chair/
%
What is black and is stuck to a ceiling?

A not very good electrician...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51g12w/what_is_black_and_is_stuck_to_a_ceiling/
%
What did the letter O say to the letter Q?

"Hey, your dick is hanging out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fy38/what_did_the_letter_o_say_to_the_letter_q/
%
How many guys in the Friendzone does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None.  They just stand around complimenting it, and then get pissed when another guy screws it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ft20/how_many_guys_in_the_friendzone_does_it_take_to/
%
The weather in Saudi Arabia is pretty simple

It's either sunni or shiite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51frw9/the_weather_in_saudi_arabia_is_pretty_simple/
%
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:---------|

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."  Next day he received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51frid/a_man_inserted_an_ad_in_the_classifieds/
%
Student: Could I be trouble for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not.
Student: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fr86/student_could_i_be_trouble_for_something_i_didnt/
%
Why did man invent curling?

To convince women sweeping was a sport.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51foyi/why_did_man_invent_curling/
%
I thought I was having a lot of déjà vu moments

Realised I was just on r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fosa/i_thought_i_was_having_a_lot_of_déjà_vu_moments/
%
Why isn't Hitler invited to any barbecues?

Because he always burns the franks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fnq0/why_isnt_hitler_invited_to_any_barbecues/
%
What do you call a confused Asian?

Disoriental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fl39/what_do_you_call_a_confused_asian/
%
Tapeworm

So a guy complaining of stomach issues goes to the doctor. Doctor discovers the guy has a tapeworm.
"Doc ... what do I do?" moans the guy.
"Nothing to worry about," says the doctor. "Here is what you do. Every day at exactly 3:00 in the afternoon I want you to shove a hot dog up your ass. Then, every day at 3:02, I want you to shove seven or eight M & Ms up your ass. Come back for your next appointment in exactly one week.
So the guy goes home and does as he's told. Every day at 3:00 he shoves a hot dog up his ass. Then, at 3:02, he shoves seven or eight M & Ms up his ass.
A week later he comes back for his appointment. The doctor comes in with a thick medical book and looks at his watch. At 3:00 the doctor shoves a hot dog up the guy's ass. Then he waits.
Two minutes. Three minutes. Four minutes.
After five minutes the tapeworm pokes its head out of the guy's ass and says, "Hey! Where the hell are my M & Ms?"
And BAM! The doctor smashes the head of the tapeworm with the book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fkyl/tapeworm/
%
How does a Muslim close a door?

Islams It.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fjex/how_does_a_muslim_close_a_door/
%
A naked women robbed a bank....

A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fi5o/a_naked_women_robbed_a_bank/
%
In a Catholic school cafeteria...

a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching."
Further down the line is a pile of cookies.
A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fhj2/in_a_catholic_school_cafeteria/
%
A teacher asked his students..

A teacher asked his students "Is black a color?". One student replied "Yes, it's all the colors." another student said "No, it's the absence of color." Then another student said "It's only three-fifths of a color."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fgst/a_teacher_asked_his_students/
%
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fgj9/i_got_caught_taking_a_pee_in_the_swimming_pool/
%
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre...

So he gave it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fg4g/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
%
An Army general, an Air Force general and a Navy admiral were having lunch and talking at the officers club when the topic of bravery came up in their conversation.

The Air Force man said that the men in the Air Force were the bravest of all the U.S. troops. The Army man said: "That's bullshit, everyone knows the Army has the bravest men serving the country. The admiral blurted out that they were both full of shit and that everyone in the country knew that the U.S. sailors were the bravest of our fighting men.
The three bickered back and forth for some time and finally agreed that they should put their men to the test, which they would personally monitor.
First they went to the airbase where they boarded a bomber that was scheduled to make some practice bombing runs. They were about to come over the target when the Air Force general walked up to one of the crew and said: "airman, I want you to ride that bomb down right to the dead center of that target." Without hesitation, the airman saluted the general, climbed aboard the bomb, released the holding mechanism and rode the bomb right to the dead center of the target and was blown all to hell. The Air Force general looked at his friends and said: "that's bravery."
Their next stop was the Army camp where they were holding maneuvers to practice heavy armor tactics. The Army general walks up to one of his men and said, while pointing to a tank speeding toward them, "Private stop that tank." The Soldier ran toward the tank waving his arms and yelling "STOP, STOP" and was flattened flatter than a pancake. The Army man looked at his friends and said: "that's bravery".
The three adjourned for a quick drink and proceeded to the Admiral's flagship and went all the way up to the Admiral's bridge. When they had arrived on the bridge the three looked up and saw a man painting the mast way above them.
The Admiral yelled out: "Hey, you there aloft." The seaman painting the mast looked down, saluted and replied: "Yes sir". The Admiral yelled up: "Jump off that mast sailor"! The sailor, without any hesitation, flipped the Admiral the bird and said, "Fuck you sir".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fdfw/an_army_general_an_air_force_general_and_a_navy/
%
How fast can Klingon's run?

About Warf speed.
My mom made this joke up last night at a bbq party. She likes to think she is funnier on holidays. Thanks, Mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fd1b/how_fast_can_klingons_run/
%
An old man says to the doctor "I piss like a horse at 6 each morning, poop like a goose at 7."

The doctor says "Then what's the problem?"
The old man says "I don't get out of bed until 8."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51faxi/an_old_man_says_to_the_doctor_i_piss_like_a_horse/
%
The Tribe

Once a day, a cannibal tribe in somewhere Africa captures Kemal.
The chieftain says there is only one way to save yourself and it's to pass some series of test successfully.
Therewith Kemal accepts the tests. There are three different huts in this ordeal.
In the first hut there is a barrel full of Whisky.
In the second hut there is a wild lion who needs his teeth to be pulled.
And in the final hut there is the horniest woman in the tribe who needs to be fucked.
So, Kemal has to drink all the whisky first, then pull the lion's teeth after that he has to make the horny woman happy.
So the test begins and he walks in the first hut,
hours passes by and there is no sound of our guy,
6-7 hours passes by and he comes out wobbily but he can barely stands up.
He finds his way to the second hut by the skin of "lion's" teeth and enters.
Soon after, they start an uproar, loud screams, knee-shattering roars... Desperate cries of lion leaves people deaf for a while.
After 2-3 hours our guy comes out waggly again, turns to chieftan
and asks
Where is the fucking whore who's teeth needs to be pulled!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51fa0q/the_tribe/
%
The Billionaire Kid.

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny, always the first with his hand up and always the naughtiest says “I wanna be a billionaire Miss”
“I’ll be going to the most expensive clubs, take my best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day!”.
The teacher is shocked and and is not quite sure how to deal with his bad behaviour on this occasion.
She decides not to give importance to what he said and continue the lesson.
“So Susie. What do you want to be when you grow up?” the teacher asks.
Susie says “I just wanna be Johnny’s bitch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51f6zs/the_billionaire_kid/
%
A bloke walks into a pub with a meat and potato pie balanced on his head

He walks up to barman and says:
'Can I have a pint of bitter, please.'
'Certainly,' says the barman and starts pulling a pint. But he can't resist asking. 'You do realise, sir, you have a meat and potato pie on your head?'
The bloke replies: 'Yes, I always have a meat and potato pie on my head on a Wednesday.'
'Ah!' Says the barman. 'But today is Tuesday!'
'Oh no,' says the bloke. 'I must look like a right twat.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51f5zp/a_bloke_walks_into_a_pub_with_a_meat_and_potato/
%
Mom: You're a son of a bitch!

Son: That makes you a bitch!
Mom: You sure?
*This is the story of how I found out I was adopted*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51f4cl/mom_youre_a_son_of_a_bitch/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman...

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No." he replies "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "It must be broken because I *am* wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51f385/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat_next/
%
Did you hear about the guy who dies of a Viagra overdose?

*They couldn't close his coffin*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51f2qt/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_dies_of_a_viagra/
%
A maid wanted a salary raise

Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise
Maid: I can cook better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me!
Madam: Ok, second reason.
Maid: I can iron better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me!
Madam: Ok, and the third reason?
Maid: I am better in bed than you.
Madam's face swelled with rage.
Madam: Did my husband say that?!
Maid: No the driver told me.
Madam: Lower your voice. Is 25% enough?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51f20g/a_maid_wanted_a_salary_raise/
%
You are stuck in a room with Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump. You have a gun with 2 bullets in it, what do you do?

*Shoot myself twice*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ezph/you_are_stuck_in_a_room_with_adolf_hitler_and/
%
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ezj2/a_mormon_was_seated_next_to_an_irishman_on_a/
%
A university committee was selecting a new dean.

They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”
The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “Four, plus or minus one.”
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, “How much do you want it to be?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ezb4/a_university_committee_was_selecting_a_new_dean/
%
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him up at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious , he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51exfy/a_man_and_his_wife_were_having_some_problems_at/
%
There are 3 types of people in this world.

Those who know how to count, and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51evq8/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
What did the buffalo say to his son going to college.

Bye son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51etm7/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_going_to/
%
Does anyone else have a really hard time having a conversation on a carousel?

I always feel like I'm talking in circles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51er8v/does_anyone_else_have_a_really_hard_time_having_a/
%
You can make jokes about anything, just not mexicans

That's crossing the border.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51er1w/you_can_make_jokes_about_anything_just_not/
%
Studies shows that most people don't know the opposites to these words:

Always
Coming
From
Take
Me
Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51eqxg/studies_shows_that_most_people_dont_know_the/
%
If you could have a Dodge Viper or the girl of your dreams, what colour would it be?

Black and blue of course.
...
The girl, not the car.
(Courtesy of my son, the sicko).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51eog2/if_you_could_have_a_dodge_viper_or_the_girl_of/
%
Enough is enough

It's the exact same word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51elc8/enough_is_enough/
%
Light is faster than sound.

That's why some people look smart, until they speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ekh4/light_is_faster_than_sound/
%
One of the patients in a mental hospital saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub.

After hearing this, the director reviews the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
'Mr James,' says the official, 'your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you are ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around his neck'
'Oh he didn't kill himself, I just hung him up to dry'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ek4j/one_of_the_patients_in_a_mental_hospital_saved/
%
Thanks for telling me what BOGO means...

It means a great deal to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ejcw/thanks_for_telling_me_what_bogo_means/
%
How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51eiti/how_many_peta_members_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why did Beyoncé sing "to the left, to the left"?

Because black people don't have rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51eim0/why_did_beyoncé_sing_to_the_left_to_the_left/
%
What do you call an Asian man with one leg?

Tai-Wan-Shu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51efk0/what_do_you_call_an_asian_man_with_one_leg/
%
Dark jokes are like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51edur/dark_jokes_are_like_food/
%
Is it too early to make jokes about 9/11?

Yes, you should wait 5 more days!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51edpc/is_it_too_early_to_make_jokes_about_911/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51edhf/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
I was wondering why the football was getting bigger...

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51edbe/i_was_wondering_why_the_football_was_getting/
%
What is a time travelling vacuum cleaner called?

Dr Whoover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ecf9/what_is_a_time_travelling_vacuum_cleaner_called/
%
I am not racist, I love black people.

In fact, I love them so much that I think we should all have our own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ec97/i_am_not_racist_i_love_black_people/
%
A driver is pulled over by a policeman....

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51e5nt/a_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_policeman/
%
I witnessed an attempted murder yesterday.

Luckily, only one crow showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51e5hc/i_witnessed_an_attempted_murder_yesterday/
%
An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a member of Delta Force and a Navy SEAL are sitting around a camp fire.

The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says, "That's nothing, I once made a beach landing, marched 60 miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Delta Force Member is unimpressed, he says "That's nothing, I once swam 10 miles to shore, marched 70 miles, and killed everyone in sight with my bare hands." Thoroughly impressed, they all look over at the Navy SEAL and he's dead silent, just stirring the coals of the fire with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51e3md/an_army_ranger_a_recon_marine_a_member_of_delta/
%
A gay deer walks out of a bar

And says, "man, I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51e3a3/a_gay_deer_walks_out_of_a_bar/
%
I once dated a Welsh girl with 36 DDs.

Longest surname I've ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51e04w/i_once_dated_a_welsh_girl_with_36_dds/
%
My wife believes in compromise

If we agree on something we do it my way, and if we disagree we do it her way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51dynf/my_wife_believes_in_compromise/
%
What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you take out the sausage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51dw6r/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_guy_and_a/
%
Japan just had an earthquake, I saw it on TV.

It was a ground breaking news

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51dw5n/japan_just_had_an_earthquake_i_saw_it_on_tv/
%
What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with garbage bags?

A Pillow Fight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51duo2/what_do_you_call_two_homeless_people_hitting_each/
%
A married couple arrives at the hospital to welcome the birth of their baby

. During the birth of their child the doctor offers a new method that allocates some of the pain to the father in order to alleviate pain endured during labor by hooking the husband up to a machine. The husband agrees. The doctor begins the procedure by setting it at the lowest setting to ease the father into the procedure. The doctor asks the husband how he feels, he replies, “I feel great, crank it up!”. The doctor hesitantly obliges and turns the machine on high, warning the husband that this pain could be potentially lethal. The husband still felt nothing and assured the doctor he was in tip-top-shape and wanted to continue. The couple welcomed a baby boy and was released from the hospital only to find their mailman dead on their doorstep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51dshw/a_married_couple_arrives_at_the_hospital_to/
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Two promiscuous citrus fruits have unprotected sex

They get lemon-aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ds73/two_promiscuous_citrus_fruits_have_unprotected_sex/
%
How does Stephen Hawking commit suicide?

Alt-F4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51drkt/how_does_stephen_hawking_commit_suicide/
%
A man attends his wife's funeral.

His wife had been hit by a car. Incredibly, the car screeched around the block and struck her once more before speeding off, never to be found.
The man was accepting condolences after the service. An old friend said to him, "I know you'll miss her."
"*Miss* her?" the man replied. "I got her pretty good the first two times!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51draf/a_man_attends_his_wifes_funeral/
%
Why is the sea so salty?

because the land won't wave back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51dpgb/why_is_the_sea_so_salty/
%
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51dllz/the_doctor_gave_me_4_months_to_live_so_i_shot_him/
%
My girlfriend has been trying new things in the bedroom lately..

...I have a headache, I'm stressed, and I've eaten too much are among her many new techniques.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51diuw/my_girlfriend_has_been_trying_new_things_in_the/
%
Why does my 4 year old son trigger my cars seat belt alarm but my 30 pack of beer doesn't?

Because I buckle up my beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51dg1g/why_does_my_4_year_old_son_trigger_my_cars_seat/
%
What do you call a woman who can’t draw?

Tracy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51dfun/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_cant_draw/
%
My wife accused me of being addicted to drinking brake fluid.

I said I can stop any time I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51dfe4/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_addicted_to_drinking/
%
Irish Car Accident

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by
the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning
Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my
fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was
drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.
After he
looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now, wot da fock would you say?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51dekq/irish_car_accident/
%
He was extremely nervous to have dinner with his girlfriends family

He was sitting around the table with his girlfriend right next to him, her mother on the other side, her two siblings in the middle two seats,  her father directly across from him at the head of the table, and the family dog, Spot, relaxed on the floor.
All of  a sudden the urge to fart hit him strongly. It was bad, if he even moved an inch to get up and use the restroom, there would be no stopping it. He began sweating profusely and cursing the gods for his luck, as his sphincter began shaking angrily. He thinks to himself, maybe he would be able to get away with letting just the tiniest bit out. He leans slightly to the left and lets out just a squeek.
"SPOT!...." the dad bellows, looking menacingly at the family dog.
"Holy shit", our hero thinks, the father just blamed the dog. So he leans to the left again and this time lets out a longer trumpet toot.
"SPOOTTT!!!...." the father again yells, louder and with more urgency. "Okay" our man thinks, "I am getting off scott free with this. I'm just gonna let it loose." So he leans all the way to the left and lets out the nastiest, thickest, loudest fart he ever experienced in his life, lasting a solid 30 seconds.
The father immediately jumps up from the table and screams "SPOT! You get away from that boy before he shits all over you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51dbcw/he_was_extremely_nervous_to_have_dinner_with_his/
%
What's the difference between you and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51das3/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_a_dead/
%
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...

... Just kidding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51da6y/stephen_hawking_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My husband's new prescription glasses is not working

He still can't see things my way.
^Credits ^to ^the ^original ^twitter ^post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51d81v/my_husbands_new_prescription_glasses_is_not/
%
Ex-girlfriends are like boxes of chocolates...

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51d54a/exgirlfriends_are_like_boxes_of_chocolates/
%
New husband has a problem.

So he goes to the hospital to see his primary physician.
"Doc, my new wife is a dynamo. Every time she touches me I go off. You got anything to help me last long enough to satisfy her?"
"Just the thing," the doctor replies, pulling a starter pistol from his desk. The big red kind that starts marathons. "You just need to reset your groove when you get close. Distract yourself by shooting this off."
"That just might work!" The husband says.
He grabs the gun and throttles home. He runs upstairs where his wife is still in her nightgown brushing her teeth. He drops the gun next to the bed and heads straight to her. He grabs her and throws her on the bed. They start kissing. Then they start 69ing. Things get heavy so he reaches for the gun and fires it off.
27 minutes later he's being wheeled into the emergency room. Bleeding and covered in shit.
His doctor, who happens to be on call runs up and asks what happened.
Husband replies, "You son of a bitch! She bit my dick off, shit in my face, and my neighbor jumped out of the closet with his hands up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51d504/new_husband_has_a_problem/
%
A feminist once asked me "What's your view on lesbians?"

I said, "1080p."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51d4we/a_feminist_once_asked_me_whats_your_view_on/
%
[NSFW] The seven dwarfs know that Snow White is in her room with Prince Charming, and they decide to sneak a peek

They are too short to see into the window, so they stack up on top of one another. With all 7 stacked, the top dwarf can see right into the window. It is the job of the top dwarf to communicate to the dwarf below him what is going on, and he informs the dwarf below him, and so on and so forth.
The first report comes in. "She's taking off her coat!" The dwarfs echo this down the tower. "She's taking off her coat!... She's taking off her coat!... She's taking off her coat!"
Then the next report. "She's taking off her dress!... She's taking off her dress!... She's taking off her dress!"
Then another. "She's taking off her bra, man she is gorgeous!... She's taking off her bra, man she is gorgeous!... She's taking off her bra, man she is gorgeous!"
All of a sudden, the dwarf on the bottom says to the dwarf above him "somebody's coming!" The echo up the tower goes "me too!... me too!... me too!..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51d4h6/nsfw_the_seven_dwarfs_know_that_snow_white_is_in/
%
I know why all those Galaxy Note Sevens keep catching fire!

My mix tape comes pre-installed on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51d4b6/i_know_why_all_those_galaxy_note_sevens_keep/
%
A teacher asks a student..

Teacher: I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to answer fast. Got it?
Student: Yes teacher.
Teacher: What is 2+2?
Student: FAST!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51d2m1/a_teacher_asks_a_student/
%
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well...

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51d1nn/my_motherinlaw_fell_down_a_wishing_well/
%
How many dead Hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not 8, since my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51d070/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do you call a Muslim man's fifth wife?

Harambae

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51d06n/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_mans_fifth_wife/
%
How do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask nicely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51cziu/how_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
%
I see Freddie Mercury has had an asteroid named after him.

His surviving family have said how great it is to finally have Freddie immortalized in rock, and really appreciate the sediment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51cx2g/i_see_freddie_mercury_has_had_an_asteroid_named/
%
These Brock Turner jokes are really distasteful.

Maybe they'd be okay if I was blackout drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51cvc8/these_brock_turner_jokes_are_really_distasteful/
%
RIP Boiling Water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51cqlo/rip_boiling_water/
%
Once there was a boy named Horos..

Horos grew up in a troubled family. He would go to school every day, then come home at night to a dysfunctional family. He listened to them yell and scream until he feel asleep, then he woke up the next day and did it all again. He always struggled to find something to take his mind off things. He tried books.. He tried video games.. He tried music.. Nothing seemed to ever work. After a few years, Horos discovered something that made him happy. Horos would go out in the middle of the night, and look at the stars.
Thats just how Horoscoped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51cqhs/once_there_was_a_boy_named_horos/
%
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51cnui/a_writer_died_and_was_given_the_option_of_going/
%
this guys with premature ejaculation problems

Just comes out of nowhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51cmts/this_guys_with_premature_ejaculation_problems/
%
I always read r/creepy when i poop

It scares the shit outa me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ck17/i_always_read_rcreepy_when_i_poop/
%
A woman was breastfeeding on the bus today.

A man looked and said "OMG!" That's disgusting!
Looking back on it, that might not have been the best time to masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ci94/a_woman_was_breastfeeding_on_the_bus_today/
%
Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?

Because Missouri loves company

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ci67/why_does_missouri_share_borders_with_the_most/
%
I just googled "Tramp" instead of "Trump" by mistake.

I still got the information I needed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51cegy/i_just_googled_tramp_instead_of_trump_by_mistake/
%
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None...he fell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51c7y1/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
%
So, a stutterer was a wedding

He stand's up and says:
-hip, hip
And then everyone on the wedding party said with their glasses raised:
-HURRAY
The stutterer, tried again, but louder
-HIP!! HIP!!
Everyone raised their glasses again and shouted out of their lungs!
-HUURRAAAAY!!!!!
The stutterer, again, yelled with both arms raised!!
-HIIPPPP !! HIPPP!!!
Everyone on the party became one, all the happiness expressed with one single shout!
-HURRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!
But then, everyone was killed by a herd of ~~hippopotamus~~ Hippopotamuses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51c5fu/so_a_stutterer_was_a_wedding/
%
I am so sick of girls calling out the wrong names during sex.

-----
I mean how many times do I have to tell them? My name is not "Help" or "Getoffme." Get it right. Its *Brock Turner*.
------
Since many have mentioned it yes. Yes my Rape joke is innacurate to the actual events. But the entire point of the joke was to emphasis the fact that Brock Turner is a Rapist. So, if any of you would like to improve on the joke go ahead. I really don't care, just don't bombard the the subreddit with Brock Turner rape jokes or it will most likely get banned, and become stale. :* have fun and spread the good word.
Guys. I need bail :'( http://m.imgur.com/x29gyvN
The amount of people who thought he was serious is very disheartening... This guy was joking. http://m.imgur.com/Q1iyUoT
========
[We did it reddit]( http://m.imgur.com/hKRnGrT)
=======
[No, you cannot](http://m.imgur.com/fqufGbK)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51c5bj/i_am_so_sick_of_girls_calling_out_the_wrong_names/
%
1940 I met my first love. 1942 I met my second. Then I met my third at 1948.

It's been a hectic evening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51c2rs/1940_i_met_my_first_love_1942_i_met_my_second/
%
Women are good for 2 things...

Actually 3, if they take it in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51c1x8/women_are_good_for_2_things/
%
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear, the other's a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51c0v7/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
%
I got a job installing security systems...

I find it pretty alarming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51byg3/i_got_a_job_installing_security_systems/
%
What do you call a bunch of homosexual African-American redditors?

Black ops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51bydy/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_homosexual/
%
A thief tripped and fell into wet cement...

He became a hardened criminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51bx03/a_thief_tripped_and_fell_into_wet_cement/
%
An Airport goes to the Dr...

And the Dr says, "i have bad news. You have cancer."
The airport replies,  "oh no,  what kind?"
"Terminal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51buil/an_airport_goes_to_the_dr/
%
An old man sets up three beds in his room...

and lays out three chairs. One day, a friend comes over and the old man serves three bowls of porridge.
The friend asks "Why do you have all this random stuff in your room?"
and the old man replies "Well, it worked for the 3 bears!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51btrw/an_old_man_sets_up_three_beds_in_his_room/
%
A man is telling his buddy about his first time going skydiving.

"How was it?" asks the friend.
"Well," he replies, "I was all ready to go and then the instructor opened the door and I started having reservations about jumping."
The friend asks, "So what happened?"
The man says "The instructor saw that I was freaking and told me that he was a fifth-degree black belt and gay, and that if I didn't jump, he was gonna fuck me up the ass."
After a long pause, the friend asks, "So did you jump?"
"Yeah," the man replies. "A little at first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51bspu/a_man_is_telling_his_buddy_about_his_first_time/
%
My Girlfriend Left a Note On The Fridge

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore. I am going to my Mom's place"
I opened the fridge.
The light came on.
The beer was cold.
What the hell is she talking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51brrf/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_fridge/
%
What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

About six beers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51brj9/whats_the_difference_between_a_dog_and_a_fox/
%
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention...

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51bo7n/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class_and_she_sees_that/
%
At Walgreens I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing.

I turned around and looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51bnx8/at_walgreens_i_asked_for_50_condoms_2_girls/
%
Ice Cream Truck

My grandfather passed away recently and when we asked grandma how he died she said it was while they were making love. Surprised, we asked how they manage to be sexually active at their age. Grandma revealed that granddad times his strokes with sound of the local church bell to keep his heart rate at a low steady pace. Confused, we asked how did he die then? Grandma said, well unfortunately, an ice cream truck came along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51bkxo/ice_cream_truck/
%
A guy walks into the doctors office with a stomach ache

Doctor says :"Sir, you have worms in you intestines."
Patient freaks out :"what do I do doc?! Get them out of me!!"
Doc replies: "there is only one solution for that, get a watermelon, cut it in half and sit on it. Their leader will come down, taste it and tell the others to come out and eat the watermelon."
Patient saw the logic in the doctor's reasoning and bought a watermelon on his way home. Cut it in half and sat on it. A few minutes later he felt a worm coming down eating some melon and going back up, a few moments later he felt all the worms moving out then they stopped. When he thought they had all left his body he heard the leader say : " Ready fellas? LIFT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51bikx/a_guy_walks_into_the_doctors_office_with_a/
%
I like my sex just like my wifi..

I like my sex just like my wifi,
slow and unprotected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51bdm6/i_like_my_sex_just_like_my_wifi/
%
Sir, your frog is illegally parked,

move it imediately or it will be toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51bdgl/sir_your_frog_is_illegally_parked/
%
Guy jumps out of a plane.

a man that was about to jump out of a plane asks his instructor one last time "what happens if the parachute doesn't open" the instructor says "that is very unlikely, but if it happens, put your hands together and say Buddha Buddha Buddha" the guy thinks that is strange and jumps out of the plane anyway. On his way down he pulls the reserve and the thing doesn't open. He then panics, puts his hands together and says "buddha buddha buddha" sure enough two fluffy hands come from out of the clouds, swoop him up and go to lightly set him on the ground. the man relieved to be saved shouts out "THANK GOD" the hands disappear and he falls to his death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51bd23/guy_jumps_out_of_a_plane/
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What's the difference between bullets and people?

People miss Harambe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51b5ec/whats_the_difference_between_bullets_and_people/
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My wife and I were very happy for 20 years.....

But then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51b4pc/my_wife_and_i_were_very_happy_for_20_years/
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Growing up, my dad hated cigarettes so much,

He would burn them every time he saw one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51b4b5/growing_up_my_dad_hated_cigarettes_so_much/
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The Perfect Son.

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51b2th/the_perfect_son/
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God's rules for Adam

When God finished creating the world he approached Adam to give him the rules for the newly minted world. "If you can follow 2 simple rules, all of this world will be yours to use as you see fit. Do you see that apple tree over there?" "Yes." Adam replied. "Don't eat them." "Simple enough." "Second, and more importantly, your wife is going to bleed periodically. When she does this, it is imperative that you DO NOT let her get in the ocean." "I think I can handle that." Said Adam.
Several weeks passed and sure enough, just as God had said, Eve began to bleed. Before Adam even knew what was happening, Eve was already washing herself in the surf.  Adam watched in horror as the ocean began to turn red. The change was subtle at first but before long the entire ocean was red as far as the eye could see. Adam knew he fucked up so he went into hiding. He watched from the bushes as God came down, looked over the ocean, shook his head, and began to clean the ocean.
Adam watched for 9 days as this continued until the ocean was bluer than it had been when it was originally created. When Adam saw that God was finished, he came out of hiding and immediately tried to butter God up and get back in his good graces.
"Man, the water is spectacular. You did an amazing job! It looks better than it did when you first created it." "Thank you" the Lord responded, "It was no easy task. It took far less effort to create it than it did to fix it." Adam continued to Praise the work that had been done... "This is the most magnificent sight I've ever laid my eyes upon! You sure can do some amazing things, Lord." "Thank you my son." The Lord responded. "I did what I could to make things normal again." "Normal!? It looks better than new! what do you mean you did what you could? It seems to me that you made it better!" The Lord shook his head as said "It may look normal but I was unable to return everything to it's original state. I was able to clean the water in a matter of several days but I tried and tried and tried but I don't think I'll ever be able to get the smell out of the fish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51b19p/gods_rules_for_adam/
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My daddy always warned me about the 3 rings of marriage:

the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ayjs/my_daddy_always_warned_me_about_the_3_rings_of/
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What is the best place to hide a corpse?

On the second page of Google

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51aws5/what_is_the_best_place_to_hide_a_corpse/
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I walked in on my brother masturbating earlier.

He completely froze. After what seemed like an eternity he managed the words "Why the fuck are you masturbating?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51awkr/i_walked_in_on_my_brother_masturbating_earlier/
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Voldemort: So I just have to lie?

Pinocchio: Yep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51avtn/voldemort_so_i_just_have_to_lie/
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A father and he's 6 year old son

walk into a bank. When they get in line the son notices the very large woman in front of them. The son tugs at the dad’s jacket and says, "Daddy, look! That lady is huge!" the father replies "yes son she's as big as a truck". About a minute later the large woman’s beeper goes off and the kid pushes his father out of the way and yells, "Look out dad!!! It’s backing up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51av4c/a_father_and_hes_6_year_old_son/
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9/11 jokes are not funny guys..

The other 2, however, are hilarious!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51as4u/911_jokes_are_not_funny_guys/
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Why do Sumo Wrestler's shave their bodies?

So that they don't get mistaken for feminists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51art7/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_bodies/
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A child asks his dad...

Child: "Dad, how high is that building?"
Building: "If I'm already built, why am I called a building?"
Dad: "Pretty damn high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ar5o/a_child_asks_his_dad/
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My sister got upset that I washed our puppy with my own, human shampoo.

I reassured her it had already been tested on dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51akwz/my_sister_got_upset_that_i_washed_our_puppy_with/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51ago2/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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Two dogs on a coffee break

*Dogs on coffee break*
Dog 1: Heard a great joke.
Dog 2: Oh yeah?
Dog 1: Knock kn-
*Dog 2 goes fuckin' nuts*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51adqf/two_dogs_on_a_coffee_break/
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Little Johnny saw his Daddy's car

passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy and...." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jack used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51adas/little_johnny_saw_his_daddys_car/
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The darkest, most disgusting and offending jokes

Which way do you put a baby in the blender?
Well, it depends. Feet first if you want to see it scream, head first if you want to see the pussy.
How long can a nigger hold in shit? Nine months.
How do you know if a nigger is pregnant?
Stick a Q-tip in her pussy and check if it's been picked.
How do you know when you're sister is on her period? Dads cock tastes like blood.
What's the best thing about babies? Oral and anal simultaneously.
What do you get when you stick a baby on the wall with 37 hits of a nail gun? An erection.
Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food?
(They always say no, trust me.)
Neither have they.
What others are there? I know these are pitch black, but there must be something even more objectionable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51aaf4/the_darkest_most_disgusting_and_offending_jokes/
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My friend told me I don't know what irony is...

Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51a7zk/my_friend_told_me_i_dont_know_what_irony_is/
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What concert cost 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickleback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51a5u7/what_concert_cost_45_cents/
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FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....

In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51a3pi/fresh_harambe_of_bell_air/
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I just read on the news that 10 Paralympics athletes have failed a drugs test

They all tested positive for WD40

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51a0j8/i_just_read_on_the_news_that_10_paralympics/
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A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral.

A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?
"I'm a gynecologist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519y2v/a_famous_heart_specialist_doctor_died_and/
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Son takes his father to the doctor.

The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.
When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"
The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519wme/son_takes_his_father_to_the_doctor/
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general knowledge quiz

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.
The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."
Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."
Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.
Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.
Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy"
Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.
Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"
Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!"
Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):
"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"
Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."
Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."
Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday"
Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur fucks sake, where did all these English bastards come from?"
Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"
Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on fook'in Tuesday!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519sd6/general_knowledge_quiz/
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What's the cheapest type of meat?

Deer Balls. They're under a Buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519rl1/whats_the_cheapest_type_of_meat/
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Afghan shaking a carpet

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519r2w/afghan_shaking_a_carpet/
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What do the English use to blow up their enemies?

Tea N' Tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519olc/what_do_the_english_use_to_blow_up_their_enemies/
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Three Vampires walk into a bar

The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink
1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood
2nd Vampire: I want a double shot of blood
3rd Vampire: I'll have a cup of hot water
So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused.
The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood, the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519nsi/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How does a surfer cut down a tree?

With a sahhhh dude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519n16/how_does_a_surfer_cut_down_a_tree/
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I was trying to make a pun about knots...

...But I couldn't tie it together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519m4u/i_was_trying_to_make_a_pun_about_knots/
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer..

I don't know what he laced em with but I've been tripping all day......!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519lj5/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
What do bullets and I have in common?

We don't miss Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519hjp/what_do_bullets_and_i_have_in_common/
%
Pineapples

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any pineapples? " The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the pineapples are. The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the pineapples, I need some pineapples right now!" The stockboy, getting frustated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your pineapples from the back." The lady agrees and the man starts the questions. "Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. " The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuck, as in pineapples. " She replies "There is no Fuck in pineapples?" To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519h4e/pineapples/
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A teenage boy sees his parents having sex...

The father and the son suddenly make eye contact and the kid runs away. A couple of days later (mostly awkward ones), the kid's father sees his son having sex with his mother (the kid's grandmother).
The father screams in anger, "WTF are you doing, you little piece of shit?!!?"
To which the boy calmly replies, "Not so great when its your mother, huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519goi/a_teenage_boy_sees_his_parents_having_sex/
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I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant...

...but apparently it just changes the color of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519gb7/i_thought_my_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife_from/
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If you are over 40, it's no longer called masturbation

.
It's called a system check.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519eyc/if_you_are_over_40_its_no_longer_called/
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Superman does Wonder Woman (sort of)

Superman is flying over Metropolis and he looks down and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on the rooftop of a very tall skyscraper and she is squirming around all sexy on the deckchair. Superman has always had a thing for her and this is just a waaay too much. He decides that because he has special powers and can fly so quickly he could fly down there and before she even knew what happened... well you get the picture. So faster than the speed of light he zooms down, puts on his motions and he flies off again.
"What the hell was that??!" shouted Wonderwoman.
"I don't... know...but...ughhh.." whimpered the invisible man ... "... my arse is killing me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519dys/superman_does_wonder_woman_sort_of/
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TIL that my chemistry professor is a zoophile

I walked in on him while he was in his lab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519db5/til_that_my_chemistry_professor_is_a_zoophile/
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A pedophile stopped by my apartment today

According to my Catholic roommate, the proper term is "priest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519con/a_pedophile_stopped_by_my_apartment_today/
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Q: How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow?

A: One if nobody's looking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519ayq/q_how_many_vegetarians_does_it_take_to_eat_a_cow/
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A mother skunk had two kids that she named In and Out.

Whenever In was in, Out was out.  And whenever In was out, Out was in.
One day Out was in but she couldn't find In anywhere.  She looked everywhere for In; up, down, left, right, but she could not find In.  Finally she asked Out to find In, and Out went right to where In was hiding.  When the mother skunk asked Out how he knew where to find In, he replied
"Easy.  Instinct."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/519aq5/a_mother_skunk_had_two_kids_that_she_named_in_and/
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A boy walks in on his dad masturbating...

He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"
His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."
The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"
His dad answers, "Because my arms getting tired.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51962l/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_dad_masturbating/
%
5 out of 6 scientists feel

Russian Roulette is safe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5191k3/5_out_of_6_scientists_feel/
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Light Yagami thought he was going to die on those stairs, but then he woke up the next day...

And realized it was just a Near-Death experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518zz0/light_yagami_thought_he_was_going_to_die_on_those/
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What do you call a person who's happy on a Monday?

Unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518xpj/what_do_you_call_a_person_whos_happy_on_a_monday/
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What's white on top and black on the bottom?

A: Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518u4y/whats_white_on_top_and_black_on_the_bottom/
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I almost had a threesome yesterday...

i just needed two more people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518tbo/i_almost_had_a_threesome_yesterday/
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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518t2q/my_aunts_star_sign_was_cancer_pretty_ironic_how/
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How do you spot a blind guy in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518srn/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_guy_in_a_nudist_colony/
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I hear voices in my head sometimes.

I just ignore them and keep killing people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518sah/i_hear_voices_in_my_head_sometimes/
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Why is Dick short for Richard?

Genetics, I guess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518qs1/why_is_dick_short_for_richard/
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What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518phr/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
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What do kazoos and my father have in common?

They were both around for a short time in the '90s only to be unheard of from then on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518ney/what_do_kazoos_and_my_father_have_in_common/
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being an old man I only remember one joke from my childhood and here it is. I hope that you enjoy it

why did the baker get an electric shock
he stood on a currant bun
ha ha
anyway this is the only joke I remember from when me and my friends were sprogs back in the day with no internet or anything like that
thanks
Rog. H

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518mxt/being_an_old_man_i_only_remember_one_joke_from_my/
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Did you know the inventor of the vibrator heard voices saying...

"If you build it, they will come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518j2q/did_you_know_the_inventor_of_the_vibrator_heard/
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A guy walks into a bar.

Inside the bar he sees a blonde sitting at the bar, she's intently watching the 10 pm news. The news story is about a man who's standing atop a building, preparing to jump. The guy says to the blond "I bet you $50 he'll jump". The blonde takes the bet and continuous to watch.
Some time later, the man on the building jumps. The guy turns to the blonde and says "I'm sorry but I can't take your money. I watched this on the 6 pm news and knew he would jump". The blonde replies "I watched it at 6 pm too, but I didn't think he'd jump again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518g95/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses...

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518fj1/a_new_teacher_tries_to_make_use_of_her_psychology/
%
If you get kissed by an alpaca it's not the end of the world.

It's the alpaca-lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518f83/if_you_get_kissed_by_an_alpaca_its_not_the_end_of/
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A kid asks his Dad "what does 'gay' mean?"

The father says "It means 'to be happy." The son asks "Are you [gay!](http://www.afterfeed.com/)?" The father says "No, son. I have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518eif/a_kid_asks_his_dad_what_does_gay_mean/
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Why has /r/jokes won an environmental award?

Everything gets recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518dxx/why_has_rjokes_won_an_environmental_award/
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I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518bcl/im_sorry_but_you_suffer_from_a_terminal_illness/
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What do you do if you see a fireman?

You put it out, man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5189vr/what_do_you_do_if_you_see_a_fireman/
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Got trapped in a bidding war for a house with a lengthy corridor

I'm in it for the long hall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51890g/got_trapped_in_a_bidding_war_for_a_house_with_a/
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Wife has hearing problems

A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know the range of her hearing."
That night, he's sitting on his easy chair in the living room while his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. He estimates he's about 30 feet away. In a normal tone of voice, he says, "What's for dinner?"
She doesn't respond, so he gets up and walks to the kitchen doorway, about 20 feet away, and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She still doesn't respond so he walks 10 feet closer and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She still doesn't say anything, so he gets right up beside her and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She says, "For the fourth damn time we're having chicken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/518472/wife_has_hearing_problems/
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Just took an acting class....

Now I'm qualified to be a soccer player

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517wn1/just_took_an_acting_class/
%
What do you call a centipede with no legs

An amputede

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517wkl/what_do_you_call_a_centipede_with_no_legs/
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To my calendar:

Your days are numbered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517w4s/to_my_calendar/
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How do you get to a position of power in a science lab?

Work over time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517vrq/how_do_you_get_to_a_position_of_power_in_a/
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What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?

A food fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517viw/what_do_you_call_a_war_between_two_cannibal_tribes/
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A mother of 3 children was at the park one day...

Her oldest child came up to her on the bench.
"Mama, why is my name Rose?"
"Because when you were born, a rose petal fell onto your head, and we read it as a sign to name you Rose."
The mother's second child came running up and asked:
"Mama why is my name Lily?"
"Because at the hospital a lily petal dropped onto your head and we took it as a sign to name you Lily."
The third child came running up to her mother:
"AUUUAEUHAUEHUGUGUHE"
"Yes, Brick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517r00/a_mother_of_3_children_was_at_the_park_one_day/
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I saw a black man running down the street with a TV

I was concerned that it was mine so I quickly drove home, as I got home I was relieved to see that mine was cleaning my shoes on the front porch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517puf/i_saw_a_black_man_running_down_the_street_with_a/
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Why does Donald Trump have a foreign wife?

Because some jobs American's just won't do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517p4t/why_does_donald_trump_have_a_foreign_wife/
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I painted my scanner black so it would run faster.

Now it can't read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517o65/i_painted_my_scanner_black_so_it_would_run_faster/
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A little indian boy asked his dad..

Dad, where do I get my name?
The dad replied, "well, when your sister was born, we saw a deer running, so we named her running dear, and when your brother was born we say a slow moving turtle, so we named him slow turtle
Any more questions 2 dogs fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517mu9/a_little_indian_boy_asked_his_dad/
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What did the Jewish pedophile say to the children?

Want to buy a piece of candy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517j4s/what_did_the_jewish_pedophile_say_to_the_children/
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I peed in my friend's beer before giving it to him...

I told him, "urine for a surprise"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517it1/i_peed_in_my_friends_beer_before_giving_it_to_him/
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What's the best part about being a mute?

It goes without saying...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517htw/whats_the_best_part_about_being_a_mute/
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If Donald Trump named his scrotum

would it be called Goldman Sachs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517ga0/if_donald_trump_named_his_scrotum/
%
How do fish get high?

sea weed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517fqq/how_do_fish_get_high/
%
During activities I'm like batteries

I'm never included

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517enr/during_activities_im_like_batteries/
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Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord.

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/517abh/well_ive_heard_there_was_a_secret_chord_that/
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the bishop how he had done.
The bishop replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.'
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5178aj/a_new_priest_at_his_first_mass_was_so_nervous_he/
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I was going to make a joke about that bus...

I was going to make a joke about that bus that rolled over and killed the driver and 9 passengers...
But there's no pun in ten dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5176sn/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_that_bus/
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I had the left side of my body cut off...

But I'm all right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5176n5/i_had_the_left_side_of_my_body_cut_off/
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Jokes about the blind aren't funny.

Can't people see that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51769s/jokes_about_the_blind_arent_funny/
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if it's called morning wood for men then what is it for women..

Morning dew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51764p/if_its_called_morning_wood_for_men_then_what_is/
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As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5173r5/as_a_couple_gets_into_bed_the_husband_starts_to/
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Radio Contest...

A radio station is having a call-in contest where callers are asked to come up with a word that's not a "real" word - not in the dictionary - but can still be used in a logical sentence.  The person with the best answer gets a gift certificate & bumper sticker for the station.
A caller calls in and is asked for his fake word.  He says, "GOAN... G, O, A N."  They check and the host says, "Right, GOAN is not in the dictionary.  Use it in a sentence."
Caller says, "Hey, why don't you GOAN f--- yourself."  Well, they're on a 6-second delay like most call-in shows are, so they hit the "dump" button and fortunately the naughty word doesn't get on the air.
After a commercial, they take another call.  "What's your word?"  The caller says, "SMEE... S, M, E, E."  They check - yep, no such word.  "Good job, and now what's your sentence?"
"Hey, it SMEE again, why don't you GOAN f--- yourself!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5173nt/radio_contest/
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What do you call someone who blows himself up by accident?

An Errorist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5170zc/what_do_you_call_someone_who_blows_himself_up_by/
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Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5170vj/did_you_know_there_is_a_species_of_antelope/
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A priest and his atheist friend go hunting in the woods

The atheist spots a turkey in the distance. He aims his rifle, shoots, and misses. "Dammit, I missed!"
"Don't say that," says the priest, "lest you incur God's wrath."
They walk on some more and the atheist spots a rabbit. He aims his rifle, shoots, and misses again. "Dammit, I missed!"
"Don't say that!" Says the priest again. "God will surely strike you down next time!"
Finally, in the deepest part of the woods, they spot a large, beautiful buck, enough to feed both of them for weeks! The atheist painstakingly aims, slowly pulls the trigger, and **BANG!** misses again!
"DAMMIT! I MISSED!"
The priest opens his mouth to chide his friend again, when fire from heaven consumes the priest, bones and all. And God squinted down from heaven, saw who he smote, and said,
"Dammit, I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5170a8/a_priest_and_his_atheist_friend_go_hunting_in_the/
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I've always wondered what mothballs smelled like.

But I could never get their tiny legs apart to find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51705t/ive_always_wondered_what_mothballs_smelled_like/
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I once dated a guy with premature ejaculation.

I don't know why. I knew it wasn't going to last. In fact, I could see it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516zup/i_once_dated_a_guy_with_premature_ejaculation/
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I was at the pub the other day, when 2 fat chicks walk in and sit next to me

Thought of being polite, I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’
One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said ‘it’s Wales you idiot’
So I immediately said ‘Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?’
Long story short, anyone know how to deal with black eyes fast?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516wwx/i_was_at_the_pub_the_other_day_when_2_fat_chicks/
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What's the difference between Iron Man And Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a superhero, Iron Woman is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516wit/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
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I wanted to have a threesome...

but then i realized, if I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time I'd just have dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516w1w/i_wanted_to_have_a_threesome/
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516vgs/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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Timmy comes home with a bad maths test result

Dad: "If your next test result is bad, I won't think you as my son."
A few days later
Dad: "How was your history test?"
Timmy: "Who the hell are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516rm4/timmy_comes_home_with_a_bad_maths_test_result/
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Why are gay men so well dressed?

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516pzp/why_are_gay_men_so_well_dressed/
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A head of state is suspicious about his wife

cheating with a member of his cabinet.
So one night he inserts a razor blade inside her and after a week has passed ordered all the members to remove their pants. To his surprise everyone had his dick cut except the Minister of Defense. He then thanks him for his loyalty and appoints him the prime minister, the Minister of Defense then replies " Thank you thire".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516nej/a_head_of_state_is_suspicious_about_his_wife/
%
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516nch/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
Knock knock... Who's there?... Tank... Tank who?...

You're welcome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516md1/knock_knock_whos_there_tank_tank_who/
%
Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time?

Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516kvw/why_did_satan_keep_growing_his_herb_garden_even/
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All these video games with epic orchestral music scores.

Those concerned mums were right, there's way too much violins in video games.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516kca/all_these_video_games_with_epic_orchestral_music/
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A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516joe/a_german_man_goes_on_holiday/
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WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!

A CURE FOR TOURETTES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!?!
FUCK!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516ise/what_do_we_want/
%
A teenager walks into a library.

He asks the librarian, "Where can I find a book on how to kill myself?"
The librarian retorts, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516f59/a_teenager_walks_into_a_library/
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A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to the class

He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing the class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A prankster student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll have to learn how to write with your other hand then..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516e4l/a_college_professor_had_just_finished_explaining/
%
Why are orphans bad at baseball?

Because they can never find home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516dil/why_are_orphans_bad_at_baseball/
%
I have an inferiority complex.....

It's not a very good one, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516d8s/i_have_an_inferiority_complex/
%
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516b5s/i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_in_half_just_by_looking/
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I know all the subjects of Hillary Clinton's emails, ask me anything

[Deleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5169wz/i_know_all_the_subjects_of_hillary_clintons/
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I bumped in to the back of a car on the way to work

A dwarf got out, absolutely fuming and exclaimed 'I'm not happy!'
To which I replied, 'Which one are you then?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5168wz/i_bumped_in_to_the_back_of_a_car_on_the_way_to/
%
A little boy asked his dad...

"Why do gardeners say that they have green thumbs when their thumbs aren't actually green?"
The dad replied, "It's just a saying son. It's like when someone is caught stealing, you say that they've been caught 'red-handed' even though their hands are actually black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5167lv/a_little_boy_asked_his_dad/
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How does an economist open a can of beans?

"Assume you have a can opener..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516784/how_does_an_economist_open_a_can_of_beans/
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Osama Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...

He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"
"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."
"Why, what did you answer?"
"The Empire State Building."
"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5164xh/osama_bin_ladens_son_comes_home_from_school_crying/
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I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey...

But then I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5164mt/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?

It's because they lactose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/516476/do_you_know_why_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
My wife is paralysed from the waist down

Insensitive cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51635n/my_wife_is_paralysed_from_the_waist_down/
%
Dont't drink and drive, it's very...

whisky!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/515shf/dontt_drink_and_drive_its_very/
%
Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?

So she could moan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/515qse/why_did_helen_keller_only_masturbate_with_one_hand/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He lay awake in bed all night, wondering if there was really a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/515qj4/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
%
I became a proud father today

He just turned four, but he was a boring little shit the first few years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/515l1s/i_became_a_proud_father_today/
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Today i realised why my Dad divorced my mom

I saw her driving license. she has an F in sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/515hfq/today_i_realised_why_my_dad_divorced_my_mom/
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The police were interrogating a stoned guy

Police: Where do you work at?
Stoned guy: I work with my uncle in the morning and I look for jobs during the night.
Police: Well what does your uncle do?
Stoned guy: He looks for jobs in the morning and works with me during the night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5158xh/the_police_were_interrogating_a_stoned_guy/
%
Two goldfish are in a tank...

...one says to the other, "You man the gun, I'll drive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/515878/two_goldfish_are_in_a_tank/
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What does the twin towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two and now it's offensive to talk about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/515839/what_does_the_twin_towers_and_genders_have_in/
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I saw two blind men fighting

And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"
Then they both ran away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5157b5/i_saw_two_blind_men_fighting/
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What do you call a boat that looks like a penis?

A Freudian ship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5153lh/what_do_you_call_a_boat_that_looks_like_a_penis/
%
Murphy and Seamus

Two Irish pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.
Murphy says: “BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.”
Seamus replies: “Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5151mo/murphy_and_seamus/
%
An Italian herb seller gets a loan from the mafia.

Two weeks later, the boss walks in for his payment. Unable to pay his debt, the herb seller pleads for his life.
"Please sir, give me one more week!" he exclaims.
"No," responds the boss, "your thyme is up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51513o/an_italian_herb_seller_gets_a_loan_from_the_mafia/
%
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”MAN: “Yes.”WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.”MAN: “How much?”WOMAN: “$65,000.”MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/514udg/several_men_are_in_the_locker_room_of_a_golf_club/
%
a farmer interviewed about his two white and black cows

reporter: what do you feed the cows?
farmer: the white or the black one ?
- the white one.
- hay.
-and the black one?
-also hay.
- where do they sleep?
-the white or the black one?
- .....the white one!
- in the barn
-and the black one ???
- also in the barn.
-!!!?? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASK WITCH ONE IM REFERRING TO IF THE ANSWER IS THE SAME FOR BOTH OF THEM??
-oh please forgive me but the WHITE one is mine.
-and the black one??
-also mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/514pu7/a_farmer_interviewed_about_his_two_white_and/
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A man walks in to a bar...

...and the barman says "Can I get you a drink, sir?"
"That's very kind of you to offer, thank you." replies the man. "I'll have a whiskey, please."
The man finishes the drink and starts to leave. When the barman asks for payment, the man says "but you offered to get me a drink, I was under the impression that you were paying."
Although he isn't happy about it and knows he was conned, the barman agrees to pay for the drink and the man leaves.
A few months later the man walks back into the same bar. The barman recognises him instantly.
"Oh no you don't, buddy. You're not getting served in here again."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because of the drink you conned out of me last time."
"I have no idea what you mean." replies the man.
"Don't give me that. You were here a few months back."
"I honestly don't know what you're talking about." insists the man. "This is the first time I have ever set foot in this bar."
"Oh," replies the barman, a little confused. "In that case you must have a double."
"Very kind. Whiskey, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/514pch/a_man_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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TIL that "Call of Duty" has a different name in the Middle-East

They call it "The Sims"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/514k93/til_that_call_of_duty_has_a_different_name_in_the/
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Wasp Expert

The world expert on European wasps was strolling past a record shop. A sign caught his eye: "New Album - Wasps of the World!” The man asked to hear the album and was given headphones. Three minutes later, he announced, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognize none of those." The shop assistant offered to play another track. And another. And another. Still, the expert did not hear sounds he recognized. Suddenly, the shop assistant realized his mistake. "I'm really sorry," he said. "I was playing you the bee side!!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/514j9t/wasp_expert/
%
Why are gay guys able to float?

Because they're flamboyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/514id4/why_are_gay_guys_able_to_float/
%
A homeless mans funeral.

As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family  or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/514h3x/a_homeless_mans_funeral/
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What's the difference between a Goodyear tire and 365 condoms?

One is a Goodyear and one is a great year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/514fy2/whats_the_difference_between_a_goodyear_tire_and/
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Jesus had long hair

A teenager was entering his senior year of high school.  His father, a Baptist preacher, made a deal with him.
"Son, if you get straight A's for the entire year, AND if you cut off that long hippy hair, I will buy you the car of your choice when you graduate."
The son accepted the challenge and worked very hard all year.  He got the best grades of his life and graduated top of his class.
"Well, Dad.  I held up my end of the bargain.  Top of my class.  I'll take a Ford Mustang, red."
The dad smiled and said "Well done, son.  Your grades are impressive.  Now all you need to do is cut your hair and the car is yours."
"But dad," the son protested "what's wrong with my hair being long?  You're a preacher... JESUS had long hair."
"Yep," said the dad "and he walked every god damn place he went too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/514b8z/jesus_had_long_hair/
%
If Trump is elected president...

He will be the first billionaire to move into government housing after a black man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5149m9/if_trump_is_elected_president/
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Funerals are like family reunions

minus one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5145ty/funerals_are_like_family_reunions/
%
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in  the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within  five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the  Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot  them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51453o/george_phillips_an_elderly_man_from_walled_lake/
%
What's the difference between an arts graduate and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5144b3/whats_the_difference_between_an_arts_graduate_and/
%
The Old Man's Physical......

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this, the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says,
''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5143rn/the_old_mans_physical/
%
I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5143hp/i_dont_know_why_but_the_record_for_oldest_person/
%
What do you call a magic owl?

Hoo-dini!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5142f9/what_do_you_call_a_magic_owl/
%
I phoned a Chinese restaurant. A guy answered and said "Hello, I'm Wang King the chef"

I said "Don't worry, l'll call back later when you're not busy "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51429q/i_phoned_a_chinese_restaurant_a_guy_answered_and/
%
I think Samsung has messed up with my new phone's shipment.

I had booked a Galaxy Note ''S7'', not C4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5141kt/i_think_samsung_has_messed_up_with_my_new_phones/
%
Have you heard of the musical condoms?

They started a rubber band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5141gy/have_you_heard_of_the_musical_condoms/
%
In was in a bar the other day. The barman said "I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?"

Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51410x/in_was_in_a_bar_the_other_day_the_barman_said_i/
%
Saw a blonde taking a milk bath...

I said: Is it pasturized?
She said: No silly, it's only up to my tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5140a2/saw_a_blonde_taking_a_milk_bath/
%
Why do black people have white palms?

Because everyone has a little bit of good in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51402s/why_do_black_people_have_white_palms/
%
And on the third day, Jesus came back.

Because he accidentally left one of his edge trimmers in my backyard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513yd8/and_on_the_third_day_jesus_came_back/
%
Why was the photographer arrested?

Indecent exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513vyq/why_was_the_photographer_arrested/
%
What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?

A Wii fit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513v65/what_did_the_scottish_epileptic_boy_get_for/
%
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513u6f/jesus_and_satan_were_having_an_ongoing_argument/
%
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'
God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513to6/a_54_year_old_woman_had_a_heart_attack_and_was/
%
I saw two lesbians kissing in the park.

"There's a time and a place for that," I told my wife.
She said, "Yeah..."
I said, "It's 9pm and my house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513rmb/i_saw_two_lesbians_kissing_in_the_park/
%
Do you smoke cigarettes?

Paul: Do you smoke cigarettes?
Patrick: Oh yes.
Paul: How many sticks a day?
Patrick: 7 packs.
Paul: When did you start smoking?
Patrick: 18 years ago.
Paul: How much does a pack cost?
Patrick: 10 dollars
Paul: So you spent 70 dollars a day on cigarettes?
Patrick: Yes.
Paul: If you had saved the 70 dollars a day for 18 years, that would be $460,000 and you could be driving your own Ferrari right now.
Patrick: Can I ask you a question?
Paul: Go ahead.
Patrick: Do you smoke cigarettes?
Paul: No.
Patrick: So where is your Ferrari?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513re5/do_you_smoke_cigarettes/
%
An indian and an asian walked into a bar

They had a great time because not everyone is racist like you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513qlj/an_indian_and_an_asian_walked_into_a_bar/
%
My boss said, "Have a good day"...

So I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513odx/my_boss_said_have_a_good_day/
%
I walked into a singles bar and spotted a gorgeous female at the bar. "Would you like to play on my twenty foot organ?" I asked her.

She coyly replied "Sure let's go".
You should have seen the look on her face when I brought her to my church and asked her to accept Jesus into her heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513n66/i_walked_into_a_singles_bar_and_spotted_a/
%
What do you call someone sexually attracted to plants?

A ChloroPhile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513m4m/what_do_you_call_someone_sexually_attracted_to/
%
What mom loves...

Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose?
Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers!
Son: Mom, what do you love?
Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513m2d/what_mom_loves/
%
The rectum stretcher

While she was flying down the road yesterday (20 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with a classic patronizing smirk asked, "What's your hurry?"
She replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah?," said the cop, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
She politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513kg6/the_rectum_stretcher/
%
Early to Bed and Early to Rise proves that .

The Person has no Internet Connection...;-p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513ftd/early_to_bed_and_early_to_rise_proves_that/
%
Why we cremate people:

Some people get creamted because when you die, your family is gonna want to put you in a casket for the funeral.  And if they can't decide whether to choose open or closed, they compromise... and put you in ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513fim/why_we_cremate_people/
%
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513dxr/what_is_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
%
Why did the feminist fail in programming?

She hated objectification.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/513ad7/why_did_the_feminist_fail_in_programming/
%
Favourite of all time

I saw a big black guy running down the street carrying a TV the other day and I thought to myself, "That looks a lot like mine..."
But then I remembered mine was at home, polishing my shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5137im/favourite_of_all_time/
%
I really understand how batteries feel...

I'm rarely included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5137fz/i_really_understand_how_batteries_feel/
%
A woman starts dating a doctor...

Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman: "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says: "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What happened?" asks the priest.
"You gave birth to a child!"
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About 15 years go by, and the Priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says: "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says: "What do you mean, you're not my Father ?"
The Priest replies: "I am your mother. The Arch bishop is your Father ."😳😳

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5136p4/a_woman_starts_dating_a_doctor/
%
a pastor, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar.

he orders a drink....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5134h1/a_pastor_a_rapist_and_a_pedophile_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-calf-einated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5132mz/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_just_gave_birth/
%
I know kung fu, tae kwan do, ninjitsu, karate, tia chi...

and a few other asian words.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/512xs0/i_know_kung_fu_tae_kwan_do_ninjitsu_karate_tia_chi/
%
How does Hitler tie his shoesies?

With little nazis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/512vh7/how_does_hitler_tie_his_shoesies/
%
How do trains eat?

They go chew chew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/512tqi/how_do_trains_eat/
%
Today's date: 4/9/16

2 squares/3 squares/4 squares 4/9/16

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/512r7t/todays_date_4916/
%
A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain

He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/512l06/a_man_invested_in_a_weight_loss_diet_from_britain/
%
One finn is better than ten Russians! (War joke)

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".
The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill.  Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought...
Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There's two of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/512ktg/one_finn_is_better_than_ten_russians_war_joke/
%
What do you call the useless piece is skin on the end of the penis?

The man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/512khy/what_do_you_call_the_useless_piece_is_skin_on_the/
%
A man has three girlfriends

He wants to choose one of the three to marry, but cannot decide on which one.  To help him choose, he decides to test each one by giving them $5000 to spend however they please.
The first girl gets a complete makeover, mani/pedi, hair done, the complete works.  She says to the man, "I wanted to look beautiful for you because I love you so much."
The second girl bought the man new golf clubs, a new laptop, and new clothes.  She says to the man, "I wanted to give you these gifts because I love you so much."
The third girl invested the money in the stock market, doubled the money, returned the original $5000 to the man and invested the remaining in bonds.  She says to the man, "I want to save for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how the three girls had spent the money, and then decided to marry the girl with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/512fhv/a_man_has_three_girlfriends/
%
Why are there so many Redditor archeologists?

Because /r/jokes loves digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/512bv5/why_are_there_so_many_redditor_archeologists/
%
There were once three kids...

One was named "Crap," one was named "Trouble" and the third was named "Shut Up."
They go biking one day when Crap loses control of his bike and falls into a nearby river. Trouble stops to help get him out, but Shut Up continues on his way.
Eventually, Shut Up comes upon a police officer, who asks Shut Up his name.
"Shut Up" says shut up.
"What?" Says the police officer?
"Shut Up"
"What?"
"Shut Up"
The police officer, annoyed, asks Shut Up, "are you looking for trouble young man?"
Shut Up the says "no, I know where he is. He's down by the river, fishing out Crap."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/512buw/there_were_once_three_kids/
%
A woman was having an orgy with 3 army men, then she heard her husband coming in the house...

She frantically told the 3 guys to gather all their uniforms and hide in the balcony, and they did. The husband greeted her and didn't suspect a thing. She tried to distract him from going to the balcony but then he became adamant about grilling since it was so nice outside. He opened the balcony door and to his surprise he sees 3 nervous looking guys.
The husband looked very confused until one of the guys finally spoke. "Please help us!! Our plane crashed and we had to parachute to this balcony!!". The husband became very concerned for them and insisted that they stay for dinner before leaving. The 3 guys couldn't believe that the trick worked and they played along. The husband was very hospitable and generous and he made the guys feel pretty much at home. However, the guys felt very very bad about deceiving him and wanted to tell him the truth.
They asked him: "Don't you find it odd that 3 army men happened to land on your balcony?"
The husband said: "Not really, just last week 3 NAVY SEALs happened to find their way to my bathtub"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/512b3u/a_woman_was_having_an_orgy_with_3_army_men_then/
%
My new girlfriend asked me how I felt about kids.

With my hands was apparently not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5129zp/my_new_girlfriend_asked_me_how_i_felt_about_kids/
%
What do you get if you cross a river with a bridge?

to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5129an/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_river_with_a_bridge/
%
What is the distinction between a man that has had a vasectomy and one who hasn't?

I don't know, as far as I'm concerned there's not a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5122hh/what_is_the_distinction_between_a_man_that_has/
%
I got a new job at a quarry today, and the foreman was showing me around when

I saw this huge rock. I told him, "Wow! That's a really big rock!"
"Boulder." He says.
**"WOW!!!! THATS A REALLY MASSIVE ROCK,"** I say while puffing my chest out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5121xv/i_got_a_new_job_at_a_quarry_today_and_the_foreman/
%
Business was great last year. I made 6 figures.

$2,784.93

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511z68/business_was_great_last_year_i_made_6_figures/
%
Today I woke up to a surprise bj for the first time

Probably should sleep with my mouth closed from now on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511z1u/today_i_woke_up_to_a_surprise_bj_for_the_first/
%
Yo girl, are you from UPS?

Cause I saw you checkin' out my package.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511y4j/yo_girl_are_you_from_ups/
%
A bear walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender "I'll have a gin...and tonic."
Bartender says "OK, but why the pause?"
"I was born with them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511y0e/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a writer who feels like they've been born in the wrong body

Transcribe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511thd/what_do_you_call_a_writer_who_feels_like_theyve/
%
Two Beggars

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511rft/two_beggars/
%
I met a Slavic feminist once.

She told me to Czech my privilege.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511okv/i_met_a_slavic_feminist_once/
%
Why are there so many Female Archaeologists?

Because women love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511obm/why_are_there_so_many_female_archaeologists/
%
What did Alex Trebek say when he was about to lose his job?

"My career is in Jeopardy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511kfs/what_did_alex_trebek_say_when_he_was_about_to/
%
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night

The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511jsd/there_was_a_blackout_in_my_neighborhood_last_night/
%
Dave drowned

So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.
(Gary Delaney)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511jbu/dave_drowned/
%
What's a panda's favorite kitchen dish?

A pan....duh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511iyb/whats_a_pandas_favorite_kitchen_dish/
%
When I jerk off I'm not a fancy restaurant about it, I'm more like McDonalds

Fast, easy, and you don't have to get out of the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511g43/when_i_jerk_off_im_not_a_fancy_restaurant_about/
%
One of my friends told me he didn't like it when I made fish jokes.

But I think he was just being koi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511eoh/one_of_my_friends_told_me_he_didnt_like_it_when_i/
%
What do you do in a master bathroom?

Masterbathe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511ehh/what_do_you_do_in_a_master_bathroom/
%
A blind man walks into an i store

"2 please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511cky/a_blind_man_walks_into_an_i_store/
%
A wife has a crappy day and decides to come home early from work

When she arrives home, she heads upstairs and finds 2 pairs of legs in her bed under the covers. Already in a bad mood, she grabs a baseball bat and has a few swings at her cheating husband and his mistress. Once she's done, she walks to her balcony and finds her husband. He lovingly greets her with "Hi honey, your parents dropped in for a visit, they were feeling a little tired so I let them sleep in our bed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511cg0/a_wife_has_a_crappy_day_and_decides_to_come_home/
%
A father's last request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511bbk/a_fathers_last_request/
%
A Burglar...

A burglar breaks into a house when he hears "Jesus knows you are here." He shuts his flashlight off and looks around. When he finds nothing he proceeds to unhook the TV when he hears "Jesus can see you" He looks around the room with his flashlight to find a parrot in its cage.
Burglar: So that was all you?     Parrot: Yep
Burglar: So whats your name?   Parrot: Moses
Burglar: Who in the hell names their parrot Moses?   Moses: The same kind of people who name their Rottweiler Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/511b8j/a_burglar/
%
Where is Engagement, Ohio?

It's somewhere between Dayton and Marion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5119jj/where_is_engagement_ohio/
%
I really have to hand it to short people

Because they usually can't reach it anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/51133z/i_really_have_to_hand_it_to_short_people/
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If I had a nickel for every time I thought of you

I'd start thinking about you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/510zj7/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_i_thought_of_you/
%
What do you call an underwater dog?

Scuba Doo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/510xh5/what_do_you_call_an_underwater_dog/
%
The benefits of good health insurance

Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn't do this five times a day his testicles will explode". "Oh, I didn't know a condition like that exists". Ten minutes later the queen see's a man receiving oral pleasure from a nurse. "What is this!" she yells out. The nurse giving the tour calmly says "same problem, better health insurance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/510tsh/the_benefits_of_good_health_insurance/
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Job Interview : "What is your great weakness?"

- Honesty
- I don't think that honesty is a weakness
- i don't give a shit what you think !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/510sp3/job_interview_what_is_your_great_weakness/
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Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening

Many men have died after having a stroke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/510sj8/doctors_have_confirmed_that_masturbation_is_life/
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What type of energy supplement do terrorist take?

C4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/510pmw/what_type_of_energy_supplement_do_terrorist_take/
%
I started a company

that sells land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/510o8j/i_started_a_company/
%
I still occasionally fap over my ex

Made a copy of the key to her place when we were together, and she's a heavy sleeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/510nxj/i_still_occasionally_fap_over_my_ex/
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Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

Because it ain't murder if they had it comin'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/510mr4/why_are_redneck_murders_so_hard_to_solve/
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2016 is going off the rails with all the people getting offended. There are even some people who've decided it's racist to say "black paint".

Instead you're supposed to say something like "Shawn, would you please paint that fence?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/510lcm/2016_is_going_off_the_rails_with_all_the_people/
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I grew up in a small town that only had one general store, one bar and one prostitute.

Mum found it pretty hard working three jobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/510kuf/i_grew_up_in_a_small_town_that_only_had_one/
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A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns...

But then I realised toucan play at that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/510fil/a_friend_of_mine_tried_to_annoy_me_with_bird_puns/
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When I was younger, I used to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman's body

Then I was born.
(Source: sickipedia)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/510duj/when_i_was_younger_i_used_to_feel_like_i_was_a/
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An English woman, a German woman, an American woman and a Mexican woman were talking.

The English woman said: the other day I got so fed up I told my husband to start helping me with the dishes. The first day I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything either. On the third day though he came home and did all the dishes.
The German woman said: I told my husband to start helping me with the washing. The first day I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything either. On the third day though he came home and did all the washing.
The American woman said: I was also fed up I told my husband to start helping me with cleaning the toilet. The first day I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything either. On the third day though he came home and cleaned the toilet all by himself.
The Mexican woman said: I so wanted my husband to start ironing the clothes I told him straight to his face. The first day I didn't see anything. On the second day I couldn't see anything either. On the third day though and with some pain I was able to open my left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/510c0u/an_english_woman_a_german_woman_an_american_woman/
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Let me make an iphone joke

Never mind, Ill just come up with a new one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5104q1/let_me_make_an_iphone_joke/
%
A feminist asked for my name

I said I'm Hugh Mungus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5102eu/a_feminist_asked_for_my_name/
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My girlfriend says penis size shouldn't matter in a healthy and loving relationship.

I still wish she didn't have one.
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5100xn/my_girlfriend_says_penis_size_shouldnt_matter_in/
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Keeping marriage fun

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5100m6/keeping_marriage_fun/
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Maybe every nation has ninjas

And the Japanese ninjas are just the worst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zxi6/maybe_every_nation_has_ninjas/
%
Who won the first Tour de France?

The Panzer SS 1st Division

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zxg2/who_won_the_first_tour_de_france/
%
I once ordered a dry martini in Berlin...

I once ordered a dry martini in Berlin. They brought me 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zx30/i_once_ordered_a_dry_martini_in_berlin/
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Three men are driving in a car when it breaks down on an abandoned road

A Hindu man, a Jewish man, and a Polish man. After walking for a few miles, they come across a farm with a barn. Desperately seeking a place to sleep for the night, they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can sleep in the barn.
The farmer says it's OK as long as they don't disturb his sleep or the animals, so the three men go to sleep in the barn with all the animals.
Fifteen minutes later, the Hindu man bangs on the farmer's door and asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with sacred cows next to him. The farmer says it's OK and lets him in.
In another fifteen minutes, the Jewish man bangs on the farmer's door and asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with pigs next to him, and the farmer says this is OK. Now only the Polish man is outside.
Fifteen minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door, and by this time is very annoyed. He opens it, and there stand the cows and the pigs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zvis/three_men_are_driving_in_a_car_when_it_breaks/
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I asked my wife if she was up for a game of rape

She said no
I said that's the spirit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zsyi/i_asked_my_wife_if_she_was_up_for_a_game_of_rape/
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zra5/a_woman_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
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What do you call the score keeper at a jihadi football game?

The Taliman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zqc1/what_do_you_call_the_score_keeper_at_a_jihadi/
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I was sitting on the toilet when todays earthquake hit.

The toilet shook like a rollercoaster.
It scared the shit out of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zq2j/i_was_sitting_on_the_toilet_when_todays/
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13 blackberries and 5 iPads walk into a bar...

They leave hammered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zpte/13_blackberries_and_5_ipads_walk_into_a_bar/
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Mario & Luigi

Mario :- Ey Luigi , whats this funny ol' image called.
Luigi:- It a Meme , Mario

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zoo0/mario_luigi/
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Why can't Buddhists learn binary code?

Because they are at one with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zmpp/why_cant_buddhists_learn_binary_code/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zlqf/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
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What do all the great rap artists put in their coffee?

2Pac Shakur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zl73/what_do_all_the_great_rap_artists_put_in_their/
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I was offered sex today...

...with a 75 year old sugar momma. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla. Available at Walgreens Rite-Aid Walmart and participating General Dollar Stores

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zkhc/i_was_offered_sex_today/
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Oklahoma asked California about all these earthquakes recently.

California said "It's not our fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zi5p/oklahoma_asked_california_about_all_these/
%
Anyone who says they don't like cats

hasn't had them cooked properly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zhv2/anyone_who_says_they_dont_like_cats/
%
How do black geese call to white geese?

HONKEY! HONKEY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zh9e/how_do_black_geese_call_to_white_geese/
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What is Apple's CEO's favourite TV show?

Lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zgp9/what_is_apples_ceos_favourite_tv_show/
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About the blind man that took up parachuting.

He had loads of fun, but his guide dog didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zfre/about_the_blind_man_that_took_up_parachuting/
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MOM : Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

SON : My name is Paul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zemb/mom_anton_do_you_think_im_a_bad_mother/
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What's the difference between my job and my wife?

My job will still suck after 5 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zdfo/whats_the_difference_between_my_job_and_my_wife/
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If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what is outside?

K9P.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zd65/if_h2o_is_inside_a_fire_hydrant_what_is_outside/
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Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland

... and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zcgu/two_blondes_were_on_their_way_to_disneyland/
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I just purchased Big Foot repellant.

Er, sorry, a camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zcgc/i_just_purchased_big_foot_repellant/
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What to do if you found out you Facebook date is ugly

So a guy named Jack was talking to a girl on facebook for a long time, and decided they should meet at a coffee shop or something. Neither one of them knows how other one looks like, so the girl told him what she will be wearing for the meeting, and the guy told her that he will be drinking orange juice. Jack went to the coffee shop, ordered  orange juice, unfortunately they told him that they are out of orange juice, so he ordered Apple juice instead. After few minutes the girl came, and started looking for someone with orange juice, Jack was the only one there, so she asked them "Are you Jack?", the girl was super ugly, so Jack answered "Does this look like a F...g orange juice to you?"
sorry for any mistakes, it's just translated joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zc9y/what_to_do_if_you_found_out_you_facebook_date_is/
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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling...

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?'
'Well,' he said, 'I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zbh0/after_35_years_of_marriage_a_husband_and_wife/
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I let my kids play on my Samsung Galaxy Note 7...

They had a Blast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zbbt/i_let_my_kids_play_on_my_samsung_galaxy_note_7/
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France and Italy go to war. Who wins?

Neither. France surrenders and Italy switches sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zb85/france_and_italy_go_to_war_who_wins/
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Girl, are you a termite?

Because you're gonna get a mouthful of wood tonight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50zawr/girl_are_you_a_termite/
%
A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar...

A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in, just don't start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50z8ti/a_guy_goes_into_a_nice_restaurant_bar/
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What's your favourite animal?

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else  laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth.
I did.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50z6tz/whats_your_favourite_animal/
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There's a strange new trend in my office...

People have started naming food in the office fridge
Today I ate a turkey sandwich called Kevin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50z6i7/theres_a_strange_new_trend_in_my_office/
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What is the only word that a redneck will capitalise?

Punishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50z626/what_is_the_only_word_that_a_redneck_will/
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What do you call a stick with autism?

Autistic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50z2qh/what_do_you_call_a_stick_with_autism/
%
Asked my friend who works at the tampon store if he could get me a discount

He said he'd pull some strings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50z0nj/asked_my_friend_who_works_at_the_tampon_store_if/
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A guy takes his family to see monkeys in a zoo...

Unfortunately, the monkeys are indoors furiously mating. The guy asks the keeper, ''Would they come out for a few nuts?'' The keeper replied, ''Would you? ''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yznq/a_guy_takes_his_family_to_see_monkeys_in_a_zoo/
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Why is a beer like a woman?

After you drink one you can't shut up or drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yy7u/why_is_a_beer_like_a_woman/
%
A black guy, a Mexican guy, and a white hillbilly are the only survivors of a plane crash in the Nevada desert.

As they attempt to walk back to civilization, they come across a genie lamp.
The genie pops out and offers to grant them each one wish.
The black guy steps forward and says "My people have been enslaved for centuries and oppressed for all of our history.  We are treated like second-class citizens and people always assume the worst of us.  My wish is that all black men, women, and children, return to Africa so we can be free of this oppression!"
The genie nods and *poof* the black man disappears.
The Mexican, nodding, says "My people, too, have been oppressed!  We are also seen as second-class citizens by many Americans.  We work long hours for slave wages and our culture is attacked!  I wish all Mexican men, women, and children would return to Mexico where we can create a better life free of oppression!"
The genie nods and *poof* the Mexican man disappears.
The white hillbilly looks around and asks the genie "So all blacks and Mexicans have left the country?"
The genie nods.
"I wish for a diet coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yxzy/a_black_guy_a_mexican_guy_and_a_white_hillbilly/
%
What is the longest word in the English language?

SMILES because there is a mile between the first and last letters!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yvd5/what_is_the_longest_word_in_the_english_language/
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Anyone exciting about the iPhone 7? I do

Because it will bring down the price of iPhone 6, which lead to iPhone 5's price to drop too. Finally, i'll have enough money to buy an iPhone 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ysj7/anyone_exciting_about_the_iphone_7_i_do/
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I was walking today when i saw a man writing something on top of a lamp post

So i asked: "what are ye writing, mate?"
"Climb up here and read" - he answered
So i climbed up, read it and really shocked. It really said "climb up here and read"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yr2x/i_was_walking_today_when_i_saw_a_man_writing/
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What goes in God's Toilet?

Holy crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yqxj/what_goes_in_gods_toilet/
%
Two turbaned Punjabies Kuldip and Jagdip went to Paris and made friends with a young Frenchman named Jean Paul.

For several weeks these two stooges went everywhere Jean Paul went. One day Jean Paul went missing. These two looked everywhere for days but could not find Jean Paul. So they went to the Police and reported that Jean Paul is missing.
Policeman: Can you describe your friend Jean Paul?
Kuldip: He is fair, tall and handsome.
Policeman: All Frenchmen are fair, tall and handsome.
Jagdip: He has blue eyes.
Policeman: All Frenchmen have blue eyes. Is there something specific in Jean Paul?.
Kuldip: Ah we remember now. He has two assholes.
Policeman: That's a good clue. How do you know that he has two assholes?
Jagdip & Kuldip: Because whenever we go somewhere with Jean Paul, his friends say " Here comes Jean Paul with two assholes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yp89/two_turbaned_punjabies_kuldip_and_jagdip_went_to/
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Had a summer job helping to make art out of elephant dung.

It was pretty shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yor3/had_a_summer_job_helping_to_make_art_out_of/
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An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:
"What chair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ynnn/an_eccentric_philosophy_professor_gave_a_one/
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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."
The second boy says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about speed. My father works in the Govt department. He stops working at 5:00 and he is home by 3:45!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yn75/three_boys_are_in_the_schoolyard_bragging_of_how/
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap'
That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ymyk/a_man_and_a_woman_were_asleep_like_two_innocent/
%
What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat?

Their owner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yln6/whats_smarter_than_a_dog_but_dumber_than_a_cat/
%
There was a loud hammering on the door of heaven.

St. Peter appeared and said, "I say, that's a tremendous racket.
Who is making all the fuss?"
The shabby man standing there said, "I'm Paddy McGinnis
and I'm strong with the IRA these thirty years."
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, Mr. McGinnis, but we have no record of you. You can't come in."
"And who is saying anything about coming in?" said Paddy.
"I'm here a-tellin' you, you've got fifteen minutes
to evacuate the place!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ykzu/there_was_a_loud_hammering_on_the_door_of_heaven/
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Angel

Lawrence: Mom do you know that our maid is an angel? Mom: Why do you think so?
Lawrence: I saw her naked today with her hands on the wall screaming "Oh my God I'm coming!!..if it wasn't for Dad that was holding her tight from behind, she would have gone to heaven..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ykwx/angel/
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What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole???

A 30 foot cock that helps you reach out and touch someone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ykdk/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_rooster_and_a/
%
Don’t ask me about my pan pizza...

It’s personal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yk6l/dont_ask_me_about_my_pan_pizza/
%
What were the old-time gangster's last words?

"Who put this fucking violin in my violin case?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yju3/what_were_the_oldtime_gangsters_last_words/
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If you have Bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the Bee holder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yhzt/if_you_have_bee_in_your_hand_what_do_you_have_in/
%
Coffee.

Not my cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yhsl/coffee/
%
What do you call an anti-joke that makes it to the front page of r/jokes

Honestly, I have no idea. It's still an antijoke, but the subversion of expectation might lead some to call it a joke. It could be both, but that poses somewhat of an existential predicament for this sub.
Courtesy of u/FiveBirds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yhkp/what_do_you_call_an_antijoke_that_makes_it_to_the/
%
An old man is in his Volvo driving home from work...

... when his wife rings him on his cellphone.
"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now; some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yhij/an_old_man_is_in_his_volvo_driving_home_from_work/
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What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

See ya next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yfrr/what_did_the_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie

Total recall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50yeda/what_is_samsung_ceos_favorite_movie/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalottapus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50y4w6/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
A Poem

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Stop memes about Harambe
-Cincinnati Zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50xwl6/a_poem/
%
A redhead tells her blonde step-sister that she slept with a Brazilian...

...and she replies with "Omg! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50xnzp/a_redhead_tells_her_blonde_stepsister_that_she/
%
How do you make a baker cry?

Kill his family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50xmpj/how_do_you_make_a_baker_cry/
%
What is Michael Bay's favorite phone?

Note 7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50xm17/what_is_michael_bays_favorite_phone/
%
"Why is that cotton candy talking?"

"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50xlzu/why_is_that_cotton_candy_talking/
%
Would you have sex with an alien?

Sorry if that's a probing question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50xlhx/would_you_have_sex_with_an_alien/
%
The wife came home with four cases of beer,

*The wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, a litre of vodka, two litres of gin, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread*
*"Are we expecting guests?" He asked.*
*"No," she replied.*
*"Then why did you buy so much bread..!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50xkrf/the_wife_came_home_with_four_cases_of_beer/
%
I heard the new iPhone is selling well.

In fact, it's a real 6s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50xk53/i_heard_the_new_iphone_is_selling_well/
%
Why is 77 better then 69?

Because you get eight more!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50xiji/why_is_77_better_then_69/
%
BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground...

Both books were completely destroyed.
The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50xgu8/breaking_news_texas_am_library_burns_to_ground/
%
What's E.T. short for?

He's just got little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50xdt1/whats_et_short_for/
%
What's the difference between a Walnut and a Chickpea?

I've never had a Walnut on my chest..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50xc5i/whats_the_difference_between_a_walnut_and_a/
%
"Son, I've found a condom in your room."

"Gee thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50x67k/son_ive_found_a_condom_in_your_room/
%
Yoda is telling a joke to the Jedi Council...

"Why was six afraid of seven?" he asks. Everyone remains silent, and he says: "Because nine seven eight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50x56m/yoda_is_telling_a_joke_to_the_jedi_council/
%
How is God just like every other man?

If you’re not on your knees, he’s not interested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50x44w/how_is_god_just_like_every_other_man/
%
I can prove that primates don't exist...

Eight divides evenly by 2 or 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50x2t6/i_can_prove_that_primates_dont_exist/
%
Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50x1el/why_are_americans_so_good_at_shooting/
%
Where do Rastafarian Muslims go to pray?

Ja-mecca

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wzww/where_do_rastafarian_muslims_go_to_pray/
%
I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.

Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.
The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wypi/i_am_your_doctor_sorry_to_inform_you_that_you/
%
People are forgetting that illegals are "stealing" jobs that no one else wants

like the job of being Donald Trump's wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wy2y/people_are_forgetting_that_illegals_are_stealing/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wxir/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wwbq/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a/
%
A Teacher asked for the chemical formula for water

Teacher: Alright so what is the chemical formula for water?
Me: HIJKLMNO
Teacher: What are you even saying?!
Me: You told us it was H to O!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wvwu/a_teacher_asked_for_the_chemical_formula_for_water/
%
What do you get when you put a number 1 and a number 2 on your calculator?

A huge mess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wtxp/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_a_number_1_and_a/
%
What did the animal control officer ask the Hawaiian dancer?

Hula the dogs out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wti1/what_did_the_animal_control_officer_ask_the/
%
The toilet bowl was stolen from the local police precinct last night.

The cops have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wrs0/the_toilet_bowl_was_stolen_from_the_local_police/
%
Samsung have done well with the Galaxy Note 7

Sales are blowing up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wnj1/samsung_have_done_well_with_the_galaxy_note_7/
%
I thought we had the right to bear arms

but when I got them I was arrested for animal abuse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wmuo/i_thought_we_had_the_right_to_bear_arms/
%
A man ordered for a voice automated robot car ...

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the Car, go and bring my children from school.
The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said; "These are your children sir".
In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their maid's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, his secretary's son and their neighbors two sons.
The Wife said; Don't tell me all these are your children?!!
The man asked her calmly; Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wjni/a_man_ordered_for_a_voice_automated_robot_car/
%
I was working as a teller at a bank when a Japanese woman walked in.

She comes to the counter with a small stack of ten-thousand yen notes. "Hi, can I help you?" I said. "Yeah, How much American dorrah I can get for hundred thousand Japanese yen?" she asks. Looking up the information on the ever-changing database of currency valuations, I tell her, "By today's numbers, you can get eight hundred and fifty dollars for one hundred thousand yen." Bewildered, she asks, "What? I come here six month ago and you give me one thousand dorrah for hundred thousand yen. What big deal?" Not wanting to explain to her the complexities of the global currency market, I simply shrug and say "Fluctuations."
Clearly taken aback, the woman picks up her money, looks at me, and says, "Yeah, well FRUCK YOU white people too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wj8f/i_was_working_as_a_teller_at_a_bank_when_a/
%
Today I found my first grey pubic hair.

I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wigr/today_i_found_my_first_grey_pubic_hair/
%
An interesting fact about the word "poop."

While saying the word "poop" your mouth resembles your anus while pooping.
Another great example of this relationship is with the word "diarrhea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wi17/an_interesting_fact_about_the_word_poop/
%
What's the difference between handguns and feminists?

A handgun only has one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50whi9/whats_the_difference_between_handguns_and/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wffg/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
What's the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille?

"Danger: Do not touch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wbjf/whats_the_scariest_thing_a_blind_person_can_read/
%
That one time i hired a hooker...

... She offered me the girlfriend experience for no extra charge, of course i accepted ...
... i did not expect however that she would roll up in to a blanket burrito, order Pizza and watch Netflix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50wae7/that_one_time_i_hired_a_hooker/
%
The *REAL* Way to Avoid Clickbait

Seriously guys, this is Reddit.
What were you expecting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50w7gy/the_real_way_to_avoid_clickbait/
%
One great perk about working at a funeral home...

I always get to bring flowers home to my wife!
(Yes, I actually work at a mortuary. No, I don't do this)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50w70n/one_great_perk_about_working_at_a_funeral_home/
%
Did I ever tell you about how I escaped from Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50w4y3/did_i_ever_tell_you_about_how_i_escaped_from_iraq/
%
What do a 45 year old pregnant alcoholic and Ironman have in common?

Both have a little Downy Jr in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50w14p/what_do_a_45_year_old_pregnant_alcoholic_and/
%
What do a big bar of chocolate and a frag grenade have in common?

Everybody gets a piece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50w0vr/what_do_a_big_bar_of_chocolate_and_a_frag_grenade/
%
Did you hear about the Indian who drank too much tea?

He drowned in his teepee.
-My Uber Driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50w0j9/did_you_hear_about_the_indian_who_drank_too_much/
%
What's better than a violin on your bed?

A fiddle between the sheets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vz25/whats_better_than_a_violin_on_your_bed/
%
Charles Dickins walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The bartender says, Olive or Twist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vxcn/charles_dickins_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a/
%
A physics student asked her professor to describe what happened right before the Big Bang...

....but the professor couldn't, because there was no time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vvom/a_physics_student_asked_her_professor_to_describe/
%
What type of cereal goes to the gym twice a day?

Shredded wheat.
I wish I could pin this joke on a 4-year-old, I'm so sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vvlc/what_type_of_cereal_goes_to_the_gym_twice_a_day/
%
I was let down in life by two people

My mum, my dad and my maths teacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vt8y/i_was_let_down_in_life_by_two_people/
%
Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Their kids haven't .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vrvw/have_you_ever_had_ethiopian_food/
%
I told my GF I was going to make a bike out of spagetti.

She couldn't believe it when I rode pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50voqd/i_told_my_gf_i_was_going_to_make_a_bike_out_of/
%
A woman is sunbathing ... [nsfw]

On a hot summers day, a woman lies in her backyard sunbathing. She wants a nice, even tan and since her yard has a high fence around it so she decides to strip naked.
With the warm sun on her skin and all the sounds of a hot summers day she starts drifting into sleep.
Suddenly she comes fully awake to the sensation of something crawling up her inner thigh! Still groggy she tries to determine what it is, and to her horror she sees the end of a bee disappear into her vagina!
Half panicking she throws on some clothes and heads for her doctor. When the doctor enters the examination room, she explains her predicament and her worry.
"And you're sure the bee is still inside you?"
"Of course I am! What am I supposed to do about it?!"
"Don't worry, just call your husband and have him meet you at home. Take some honey and cover the tip of his penis with it and let him enter you slowly. When he feels the bee eating the honey, just have him exit you real slow and pull the bee with him!"
Amazingly this plan calmed the woman some, but it had a huge flaw:
"I'm not married, and I have no boyfriend!"
"Don't you have any close friends you could ask to help you?"
"I don't have time for that, can't you do it? It's your plan and everything!"
"Hmm, well I guess the situation is quite time dependent. Lay here on the bed and uncover yourself while I get some honey."
As the woman got situated the doctor got a bottle of honey from the lunch room. When he returned he took out his penis and covered the tip. Slowly he entered the woman until he was almost completely inside her.
"There he is! He just started eating the honey."
"Great! Does he stick to you when you pull out?"
"No, he keeps dropping off!"
So, the doctor goes slowly forward and backward and forward and backward trying to pull out the bee, he's getting more and more frustrated since the bee seems to go nowhere. Suddenly he increases his speed to a fast pace.
"What are you doing?! He'll never stick when you're going this fast!"
"I changed my mind, I'll shoot that son of a bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vnko/a_woman_is_sunbathing_nsfw/
%
[True Story]: I was following a semi-truck full of coffins...

I tried to get as close as possible to read the bumper sticker on the back. When I could finally see the writing, it read "Drive safely. Yours may be on this load."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vl97/true_story_i_was_following_a_semitruck_full_of/
%
Hillary's team is really going all out to get the LGBTQ vote...

They've even convinced Huma to get rid of her Weiner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vjvv/hillarys_team_is_really_going_all_out_to_get_the/
%
My Wife caught me blow drying my shaft

And Asked me what was i doing. Apparently heating your dinner was not the right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vi7i/my_wife_caught_me_blow_drying_my_shaft/
%
I was talking to a 12 year old on the Internet when she told me she was an undercover cop

I told her I was proud of her
That's a really big job for a 12 year old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vi6k/i_was_talking_to_a_12_year_old_on_the_internet/
%
What happens when a fork and a spoon get into a fight?

Civilwar!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vi3f/what_happens_when_a_fork_and_a_spoon_get_into_a/
%
A guy is celebrating his first blowjob...

He goes into a bar and says to the bartender: Line up 10 shots, I'm celebrating my first blowjob!
The bartender pours the shots and says: How about an 11th one free on the house?
The guy goes: Nah, if 10 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vge4/a_guy_is_celebrating_his_first_blowjob/
%
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vgag/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and/
%
I feel bad for the homeless guy

"I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking 'Man, this is the longest walk ever"
-Norm Macdonald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vfmx/i_feel_bad_for_the_homeless_guy/
%
Poop jokes aren't really my favourite kind of joke

But they're a solid number 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vf8a/poop_jokes_arent_really_my_favourite_kind_of_joke/
%
Wanna hear a joke...?

Youtube ToS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vf0j/wanna_hear_a_joke/
%
An Irish man, Mr. Halligan, went drinking with his buddies every Friday night...

and on this particular Friday night Halligan and the boys decided to have a contest to see who could make the best drinking toast.
They went around the room saying their toasts, when finally it came to Mr. Halligan who thought he may have a winner.
"May we all spend the rest of our lives, between the legs of our wives" he said.
His friends all agreed that this was the best toast of the night and bought Halligan a round.
Later that night when Mr. Halligan got home he stumbled in the doorway and was immediately confronted by his wife, Mrs. Halligan.
"How was your night drinking with the boys?" she asked.
"Wonderful," he replied, "we had a contest to see who could make the best toast and I won!"
"Oh what was your toast?" his wife asked eagerly.
As he was about to tell her, he remembered that Mrs. Halligan was a devout Irish Catholic, and certainly wouldn't approve of the toast he had made. Thinking quick on his feet Mr. Halligan said,
"My toast was, 'May we all spend the rest of our lives, in church with our wives'".
Mrs. Halligan was elated that Mr. Halligan and his friends voted such a pleasant toast as the best of the night, and kissed him as she went off to bed.
The following day, Mrs. Halligan was at the grocery store and ran into one of her husbands drinking buddies, Mr. O'Doyle.
"Mr. O'Doyle, how great it is to see you. I just wanted to say how wonderful I think it is that you all voted my husbands toast as the best of the night. What a pleasant thought that was."
Mr. O'Doyle had a very confused look on his face, because he knew Mrs. Halligan quite well and knew that she was a devout Irish Catholic. He never would have thought she would like a toast like that.
"Really?" he asked. "You really like THAT toast?"
"Of course I did!" she exclaimed. "The only strange this is that Mr. Halligan has only been down there twice this year. The first time he fell asleep halfway through, and the second him I practically had to stick my foot up his butt just to get him to come!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ve37/an_irish_man_mr_halligan_went_drinking_with_his/
%
Used parachute for sale

Used once, slightly stained, never opened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vcm9/used_parachute_for_sale/
%
How many r/jokes commenters does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know but that reminds me of a similar joke my uncle used to tell...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vc00/how_many_rjokes_commenters_does_it_take_to_change/
%
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer in World War 2?

A: Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vbzo/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer_in/
%
A man walks into a bar full of gorgeous women

As he's waiting for his drink he keeps looking around the bar, not believing his luck. Every single girl here is a 10/10. He doesn't usually have much luck with the ladies, but surely the odds are in his favour tonight!
An average looking guy drinking a beer at the bar notices him staring at the girls, and leans over in a conspiratory whisper: “I could bang any girl here”. Really? “Yep, any one of these 10/10 babes. I could bang any of them.”
Not quite believing him but not wanting to miss out on any life changing advice, our protagonist asks the guy: “That's truly impressive. What's your secret?”
“Oh that's easy, you see...” Taking a big sip of his beer, with his eyes now firmly on the backside of a nearby stunner, he continues, conversationally. “I'm a rapist.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50vas9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_full_of_gorgeous_women/
%
Two scientists walk into a bar. One asks for H2O, and the other asks for H2O too.

They both die because the bar was in Flint, Michigan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50v9sb/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar_one_asks_for_h2o/
%
Who was the most well rounded knight at King Arthur's round table?

Circumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50v7gr/who_was_the_most_well_rounded_knight_at_king/
%
What's 18 inches long, and makes a woman scream the entire night?

Her dead baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50v71y/whats_18_inches_long_and_makes_a_woman_scream_the/
%
It's so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and...

they don't accept your friend request.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50v4tw/its_so_annoying_when_you_love_someone_and_want_to/
%
I used to be a huge fan of tractors.

When I was younger I loved them in all shapes and sizes. This was until I went to the county fare when I was 10, and the farmer refused to let me sit in his tractor. I ran home and cried my eyes out, tore all the tractor posters off my wall and that was that.
11 years later standing in the doorway of a night club, surrounded by smokers my friend leans across to me and says:
“This smoke is really unpleasant”
I open my lungs, suck up all the smoke and exhale it far in the other direction.
He says: “Wow, how did you do that?”
To which I reply: “I’m an ex-tractor fan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50v29m/i_used_to_be_a_huge_fan_of_tractors/
%
Someone called me lazy today...

I almost replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50uyc4/someone_called_me_lazy_today/
%
Did you know there are more planes in the ocean..

Than submarines in the sky?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50uxmz/did_you_know_there_are_more_planes_in_the_ocean/
%
A husband and his blonde wife.

A husband and his blonde wife are watching the news, when they see a snow storm warning, 6 to 8 inches. The news says to park your car on the even side of the street. She promptly gets up and moves her car.
2 weeks later another storm is moving in, and the news says to park on the odd side of the street. So she again gets up and moves the car.
A few weeks later, they are watching the news and see another storm coming in. As the announcer is about to say where to park the power goes out.
The wife is freaking out and asks her husband what to do. He looks at her and just says,
Well, you could just leave it in the garage!
I'll see myself out......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50uxmy/a_husband_and_his_blonde_wife/
%
Remember alcohol and calculus dont mix

So don't drink and derive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ux8s/remember_alcohol_and_calculus_dont_mix/
%
How often do scientists check the element table?

Periodically...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50uwi3/how_often_do_scientists_check_the_element_table/
%
10 Ways to cut down on clickbait!

Well, that wasn't one of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50uuv9/10_ways_to_cut_down_on_clickbait/
%
Offensive joke I thought of in class

Me and my friend were talking about the last time he has to work at his job.
"Yeah my last day of work is September 11"
I reply " Yeah that was a lot of other people's last day of work too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50uuav/offensive_joke_i_thought_of_in_class/
%
My 16 year old cousin Mary finally got her period today.

So, that was a tense couple of years for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50utk0/my_16_year_old_cousin_mary_finally_got_her_period/
%
I asked this girl to talk dirty to me in PM..

Now we are discussing politics and religion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ut73/i_asked_this_girl_to_talk_dirty_to_me_in_pm/
%
Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth?

I hear it was pretty dope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50urrb/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_made_his_wife_a/
%
Two men were chatting in a bar

"So what do you do?"
"I write"
"Oh, poetry or prose?"
"Neither, I write cartoons"
"Why's that?"
"No rhyme or reason"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50un2k/two_men_were_chatting_in_a_bar/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50uhbw/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
%
What's does a photon and Donald Trump have in common?

Both full of energy and momentum, both lacking substance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ufc2/whats_does_a_photon_and_donald_trump_have_in/
%
Today I woke up to a blow job..

..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ub9m/today_i_woke_up_to_a_blow_job/
%
[OC] What do you call a rodent that sells illegal guns?

An Armadealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50uapa/oc_what_do_you_call_a_rodent_that_sells_illegal/
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A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor..

The doctor looked him over and declared, *"Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."*
The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with
a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over,
whereupon the doctor...introduces the banana into the man's system. The
man is shocked.
The doctor says, *"Excellent job. Now please come back in three days with
another banana."*
The man trusts his doctor, so in three days he returns with
another banana.
The doctor again asks the man to remove his pants and again he introduces
the banana...into the man's system. The man is extremely confused, but his
stomach pains aren't as bad anymore so he will continue to follow his doctors
orders.
The doctor says, *"Great job. Now please come back in three days with..a
HAMMER."*
The man returns with a hammer three days later. He is extremely confused,
but upon seeing the doctor he receives his instructions.
*"Please take off your pants and lie on your side on the examination table,"* says the doctor.
The man lays there for a few minutes with his rear end bare. The doctor breathlessly
grips the hammer and waits. The tapeworm pops out of the man's butthole, looks at the doctor and says, *"Hey where the fuck is my banana?"*
BAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50u98h/a_man_was_having_some_stomach_pains_so_he_went_to/
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Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree....

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from
the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50u72x/three_men_a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an/
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An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50u3qa/an_old_man_was_sitting_on_a_bus_a_young_man_sat/
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My wife has been around the block a few dozen times, if you know what I mean.

She's a mail carrier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50u2uw/my_wife_has_been_around_the_block_a_few_dozen/
%
I tried looking up jokes about steak, but couldn't find any.

I guess they're rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50u2pl/i_tried_looking_up_jokes_about_steak_but_couldnt/
%
Why aren't you married?

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50u2mo/why_arent_you_married/
%
A Chinese went to a temple and asked a monk: "Who will win the United States presidential election?" The monk point his finger towards a dog shit...

The Chinese was confused and asked the monk: "Did you mean both of them are shits? Or the shittiest one will win?"
The monk replied: "It means, I don't give a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50u2gq/a_chinese_went_to_a_temple_and_asked_a_monk_who/
%
What's the one advantage if Hillary Clinton is elected President?

We'll only have to pay her 77¢ on the dollar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50u1mv/whats_the_one_advantage_if_hillary_clinton_is/
%
My Car spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of people

And My Korean friend screams "Hit the Blakes" & I'm like "I can't be that selective"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50u0k6/my_car_spinning_uncontrollably_thru_a_crowd_of/
%
Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?

Patient: Cancer
Doctor: What a fucking coincidence!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50u0cs/doctor_whats_your_zodiac_sign/
%
Old man John was dying...

As he was laying on his deathbed he told his caretaker, Steve, to bring him his socks from downstairs since his feet were cold and he wanted to be as comfortable as possible. Steve went downstairs and saw John's two daughters on the couch. He went up to them and said:
''Your father wont't make it, and his last dying wish is for me to have sex with you.''
Not believing him, the two girls asked for proof.
''John, both of them?''
''Of course both of them you fucking moron!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50tzgz/old_man_john_was_dying/
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A Leprechaun walks in to a bar

He finds a stool next to a huge biker. Biker looks at the little man with a sideways glance then resumes his drinking. The leprechaun orders a beer and chugs it as soon as his gets it. Turns towards the biker and spits in his face. The biker is pissed says "the fuck is your problem". The leprechaun orders another drink, chugs and proceeds to spit in the bikers face again. The biker stands up this time and yells "do it again and I'll cut your dick off". The leprechaun calmly looks up at the towering figure of the biker. Turns and orders another drink. Watching him carefully with fury filled eyes the biker takes a huge glob of spit right between the eyes. He grabs the leprechaun by the neck and pulls a knife from behind his back. Says to the little man "I'm cutting it off you little prick". The leprechaun smiles and says "Sorry for you boy, but I don't have a dick". "How do you piss then" the biker asked confused. The leprechaun then spits in his face again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50tz99/a_leprechaun_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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A lot of people like to smoke ciggarettes after sex.

But you can't buy ciggarettes until you're 16. So I have to get them for both of us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ty6a/a_lot_of_people_like_to_smoke_ciggarettes_after/
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Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children any-more. ....

Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children any-more. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50txo0/me_and_my_wife_decided_that_we_dont_want_to_have/
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Why did the black boy fall off his bike?

He didn't. He fell off your bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50tvig/why_did_the_black_boy_fall_off_his_bike/
%
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank, one turns to the other and says...

"You man the turret, I'll drive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50trji/two_goldfish_are_sitting_in_a_tank_one_turns_to/
%
A racist walks into a bar...

A racist walks into a crowded bar. He looks around and sees a black man sitting in a corner. The racist walks up to the bar, turns around and announces, "I'm going to buy everyone in this bar a free drink, except for that black guy over there!" Everybody is clapping and cheering for the racist and when he buys the last pint, the black man turns around, puts his thumb up and says, "Thanks!" The racist is slightly puzzled by his reaction but doesn't pay too much attention to it.
The next night, the racist goes into the same bar and again, there is the same black guy sitting in the corner, so, again, he goes to the bar, turns around and says, "I'm going to buy everyone here a free drink, except for that black guy over there!" The crowd are all ecstatic and are hugging and cheering the racist for his generosity. When he buys the last pint, the black guy turns around, puts his thumb up and says, "Thanks!" The racist scratches his head and asks the barman, "Why is that black guy thanking me when he's the only person I'm not buying drinks for?"
"Well" the barman responds, "he owns this place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50tr1b/a_racist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were in a car crash, who would survive?

America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50tqx2/if_hillary_clinton_and_donald_trump_were_in_a_car/
%
A guy was walking down a beach

When he saw a woman without arms or legs crying on the beach.
He went up to her and asked why she was crying.
Woman:"I am crying because I have never been hugged before"
So the guy hugs her and then goes on with his day. When he come back 20 mins later she is still there but she is crying again. He goes up to her and asks why she is crying.
Woman:"I have never been kissed before"
So the guy kisses her and walks down the beach again. He walks down the beach one more time to find her crying again. He asks her again why she is crying.
Woman:"I have never been fucked before"
So the guy picks her up and throws her in to the ocean and says "your fucked now".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50tqdr/a_guy_was_walking_down_a_beach/
%
A farmer lies unconscious in his field after an apparent farming accident. An ambulance pulls up and two EMTs attend the farmer.

EMT1 <walks into corn field, snaps on glove>: "Whadda we got?"
EMT2: "Man, probably a farmer, left leg's been hit with a tiller. ID in the wallet says he's..."
EMT1: no-NO! Don't!
EMT2: ...Lou-is Cz-...zew...ski. Louis Czyzewski.
EMT1: <sighs, pulls glove off> "...call the coroner."
EMT2: "What? He's in rough shape, but he's clearly still alive!"
EMT1: "Sorry kid, my hands are tied on this one. Once he's been pronounced in the field, procedure dictates that we call the coroner for transport."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50toor/a_farmer_lies_unconscious_in_his_field_after_an/
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If I had a Nickel for every terrible Canadian rock band, I know I'd at least get a Nickelback.

I'll let myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50tlsv/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_terrible_canadian/
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Some jokes are pretty funny on Labor Day

But most just don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50tkgw/some_jokes_are_pretty_funny_on_labor_day/
%
A man is walking on the beach

Suddenly, he finds an old lamp. Randomly, he rubs it, and a genie pops out!
"Hello, mortal!", the genie says. "Because you freed me from the lamp, I shall grant you ONE wish!"
The man thought long and hard before saying, "I wish for a bridge to the Bahamas. That way, I could just drive there whenever I wanted to!"
The genie burst into laughter. "What an utterly idiotic request!", the genie said. "Do you have any idea how IMPOSSIBLE such a thing would be? Such a bridge would have to cross multiple countries! How the hell would that work? Plus, it would just be impossibly tedious to build such a thing, even for an all-powerful genie! I'm sorry, but you're just an idiot! Think of something more realistic! HA!"
The man sighed and thought for a while before saying, "I know what I want. I wish that I could just understand women. I wish I could know what they mean when they say they're fine. I wish I could know what I did to make them mad. I wish I could just know how to please them for once."
The genie thought for a bit, sighed, and said, "You want this joke reposted every week?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50tgk7/a_man_is_walking_on_the_beach/
%
The news report was that an elevator for the coal shaft broke down, trapping 27 workers

But it was just a miner inconvenience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50tfb1/the_news_report_was_that_an_elevator_for_the_coal/
%
What is the difference between the substance inside a fire hydrant and the substance on the outside of it?

H20 is on the inside, and K9P is on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50tbr8/what_is_the_difference_between_the_substance/
%
Patty and Mike immigrate to the United States with a bottle of whiskey.

Two Irishmen, Paddy and Mike, immigrated to the United States with only the clothes on their backs and a 12 year old bottle of fine Irish Whiskey.  They agreed to never touch the bottle until both had found their fortune, and they would share that bottle to celebrate.  They both went on to amass fortunes, but they never seemed to find the time to get together and drink that bottle.
One day, Mike gets a call from Paddy's wife, and she says, "Mike, come quick.  Paddy is dyin', and he wants to see you one more time."  Mike drops everything and rushes to Paddy's bed.  He says, "Paddy, it's me, Mike, your buddy for all these years."  Paddy says, "Mike, my best friend, where did the years go?  It seems like yesterd'y we got here with nuthin' but the clothes on our backs and that bottle of fine Irish Whiskey.  It must be well over 60 years old by now, but we never drank it.  Promise me this, Mike.  Promise me you'll take that bottle of whiskey, and pour it out over me grave, to warm me in the cold, dark earth."  Mike thinks about this, and replies, "Of course, Paddy, of course... but do ya mind if I pass it through me kidney's first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50t71g/patty_and_mike_immigrate_to_the_united_states/
%
A man, his wife and his old father..

lives in the same house. One day man take his sick and old father to doctor. Doctor made some test and told them old man has just 10 months to live.
10 months later his father dies.
After some time man's wife get sick and he takes her to same doctor. Doctor inspects and makes some tests than tells that women had only 3 months to live.
Men and his wife turns their home lying on their bed and suddenly wife wants to be fucked in her ass once before she dies as she never experienced it. Man accepts and fulfill his dying wife's wish.
Couple days later they go to the doctor again. After some tests doctor says woman is not dying.
Wife becomes very happy but men starts to cry.
Women confused asks "why are you crying, aren't you happy that I am not dying"
"Not that but I wish I would have fucked my father in the ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50t2sx/a_man_his_wife_and_his_old_father/
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Samsung Gn7 user here. despite all the abuse they're getting I was surprised that it's actually a really great phone

I mean the battery life alone just blew me away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50t08l/samsung_gn7_user_here_despite_all_the_abuse/
%
Timmy...

Timmy came home to his parents one day after school, and goes straight to his mother.
"Mommy, I've got a drinking problem." he says.
Upon hearing this, his mom starts arguing with his dad about how his alcoholism got to Timmy, and the two got in a huge fight. On the verge of tears, his mother ordered Timmy's father out of the house, telling him she never wishes to see him again.
After she calmed down, she went over to Timmy and gently asked him:
"So honey, tell me about this drinking problem of yours."
"So if Jenny orders a bottle of water and Jake orders two bottles of water, how many bottles of water are there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50szzf/timmy/
%
While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited
to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Trump asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says
Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate. "
Trump watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says,
"Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question:
Your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Manmohan immediately responds,
"It's me, Sir !"
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs
up and says," Did you get that, Mr. Trump ?"
Trump nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot.
I'll definitely be using that!"
Trump, upon returning to US, decides he'd better put Mike Pence to the test. Trump summons him and says,
"Mike, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, Sir!. What's on your mind?"
Trump poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Mr. Pence was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Trump agrees, and Pence leaves. Pence immediately calls a meeting of all staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Pence calls Ted Cruz and explains the problem.
"Mr. Cruz, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Cruz answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Pence rushes back to Donald Trump,
and exclaims,
"I know the answer,Sir! I know who it is!
It's our Ted Cruz!"
And Trump replies in disgust,
"Wrong, it's Manmohan Singh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50sxs0/while_visiting_india_donald_trump_is_invited_to/
%
What do you get when you cross Henry VIII and Vlad the Impaler?

Executed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50sxif/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_henry_viii_and/
%
There's a giant hole in town and everybody is falling in it and going to the hospital

The mayor holds a meeting and asks everyone to propose a solution.
Someone stand up and says: "We should put a cop next to the hole and whenever someone falls he'll call an ambulance."
Another person offers to put an ambulance next to the hole.
Someone else offers to build a hospital next to the hole.
At this point everybody starts arguing so the mayor shuts everybody up and says: "You are all stupid. We should close up the hole and dig another one next to the hospital."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50svhb/theres_a_giant_hole_in_town_and_everybody_is/
%
If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50suy0/if_hillary_clinton_is_elected_as_our_first_female/
%
Where does the phrase, "It's raining cats and dogs" come from?

A tornado and an animal shelter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50suf1/where_does_the_phrase_its_raining_cats_and_dogs/
%
An eldery couple was discussing religion with their priest

*Eldery man*: [...] and you see, I get this impression that God lends me a hand every now and then.
*Priest*: Oh, well this is nice, but how can you tell?
*Eldery Man*: It's in the tiny things... Like, for instance, last night, I went to pee and when I opened the door, He turned the light on for me.
*Eldery Woman*: You pissed in the fridge... again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50st2y/an_eldery_couple_was_discussing_religion_with/
%
Onions are a lot like knives....

If you get them in your eye you'll probably cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50srxq/onions_are_a_lot_like_knives/
%
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field..

A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale.
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50sqc7/a_bunch_of_cows_and_bulls_are_standing_in_a_field/
%
A Chinese kid and a Black kid

I was walking today and saw a Chinese kid and black kid wave at each other, whenI saw this it gave me hope for the future, or another Rush Hour movie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50sohl/a_chinese_kid_and_a_black_kid/
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What language does a New Zealander Rabbi use to greet people?

HeyBru

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50snz2/what_language_does_a_new_zealander_rabbi_use_to/
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If you get cold just stand in a corner for a while.

They are about 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50sn6x/if_you_get_cold_just_stand_in_a_corner_for_a_while/
%
We find Jesus...

We find Jesus playing golf one beautiful cloud free day (as heaven is floating on clouds) He is joined by Moses and an elderly man wearing tacky old golf clothing.
Moses plays first, he swings his golf stick with precision befitting a man who has used a staff since dawn of humanity, the ball flies perfectly, almost, when it suddenly falls straight into the lake just shy of the green surrounding the hole.
Unfazed, Moses walks over, spreads his arms, and parting the waters to reveal his golf ball and few flapping fish (don't worry, they will be fine, its heaven). Moses then hits the ball onto the green, walks over and taps it into the hole.
Jesus goes next,  He swings with  such grace and precision, sending the ball hurtling towards the green, then behold, as it lands on the very edge of the green, on the very point where it meets the water.
Jesus casually walks over, takes position impossible for a mortal man by standing on the water itself to hit the ball straight into the hole, one less hit than Moses.
The old man goes last, his old bones slightly creaking as he hits the ball rather clumsily, with the ball wobbling erratically yet straight towards the deepest part of the lake.
As its about to hit the surface, a fish jumps out! It swallows the ball, but just before its back safely underwater an eagle comes swooping down and clutching the fish with its talons; He soars upwards towards the skies, suddenly a thunder-strike hits the Eagle, it drops the fish, fish lands on the green, ball rolls out of its mouth and straight into the hole.
Jesus turns around and says: "Father, if thou art gonna cheat , we are not going to play anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50shpw/we_find_jesus/
%
A Mexican, a Texan and an Ukrainian sitting in a bar...

Suddenly the Mexican gets up, pulls his guns, throws two coins in the air and shoots two holes in them. He says with a broad chest: "I am Mexico Bill!".
After this, the Texan gets up, pulls his guns, throws four coins in the air and shoots four holes in them. He says with an even wider chest: "I am Texas Bill!".
Now the Ukrainian gets up, pulls out two cocks and says: "I am Cherno-Bill".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50sgbb/a_mexican_a_texan_and_an_ukrainian_sitting_in_a/
%
I may have to divorce my wife...

My son broke both his arms today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50serk/i_may_have_to_divorce_my_wife/
%
A little boy goes to his dad and asks:

'Dad, what's Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50sbpw/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks/
%
What's the difference between a truck full of marbles and a truck full of babies?

You can't unload a truck full of marbles with a pitchfork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50sb9y/whats_the_difference_between_a_truck_full_of/
%
never heard this before

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who ?
DISH IS SEAN CONNERY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50sazc/never_heard_this_before/
%
What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?

One is weasily recognised and the other is stoatally different

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50sasn/whats_the_difference_between_a_stoat_and_a_weasel/
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Drinking problem

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.
Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry."
The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
Next night, bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man happily announces as he approaches.
Bartender thinks: "This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard previous night."
He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me again, sorry."
The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out.
Third night in the row, bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!" The man calls out as he approaches.
Bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: "What, no drink for ME tonight?"
The drunk looks at him and says: "Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink."
/edit
Removed word too many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50s6s0/drinking_problem/
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Young guy goes into a bar and orders twelve shots of whisky

Barman serves them up and watches as the guy starts drinking them methodically, one after another, until he finishes the last one. The barman can't help but ask 'what's all the whisky for son?' so the guy, with his head on the bar, looks up weakly and says 'my first blowjob'. The barman cracks a huge smile, pours another whisky, slides it over the bar and says 'this one's on me son'.
'Thanks, but if twelve won't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think thirteen will'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50s66q/young_guy_goes_into_a_bar_and_orders_twelve_shots/
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Two best friends apart

This joke about two very good friends who grew up together. Tom and Jim. Tom  decides to go out of the country for work, and asks his best friend Jim to look after his mother and his cat. Jim promises that he will, and that he will write to Tom to keep in touch.
While working overseas Tom gets a letter:
"Dear Tom, your cat is dead. Jim"
Tom is bewildered with grief and writes back to Jim:
"Dear Jim, is there really no way you could have been a bit more gentle with such news, it came as such shock.
You could have written me a few letters, something like: Your cat is suddenly often walking on the roofs, and I am worried that he will fall off.
Then in next letter you tell me that the cat has fallen off the roof, and that the Veterinarians are doing everything they can.
And THEN you conclude in a third letter that the cat has passed away, that way I am prepared for such shock.
Thanks
Tom"
Few weeks later Tom receives a new letter: "Dear Tom, Sorry I was so insensitive. By the way, Your mum is suddenly often walking high up on the roofs, and I am worried that she will fall off.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50s3xr/two_best_friends_apart/
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I don't trust atoms...

I heard they make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50s3sk/i_dont_trust_atoms/
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A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach

when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about God’s offer for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside; what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment; why she cries; what she means when she says nothing's wrong; why she snaps and complains when I try to help; and how I can make a woman truly happy."
God thought for a moment, then replied: "Dp you want two lanes or four?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50s192/a_man_on_his_harley_was_riding_along_a_california/
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink...

He sees another guy drinking, and notices he is sitting next to a tiny person playing a piano on the bar.
"Nice piano player" the guy says. "Where did you get that."
The drinking guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lamp. "Here, rub the lamp and you will get three wishes." He says. "Just make sure you speak clearly"
The guy rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "You have three wishes" the genie says.
"A million bucks!" The guy shouts, and with the nod of the genies head, one million ducks appear in the bar, quacking and flapping about."
Disappointed the guy says, "I didn't ask for a million ducks!"
His drinking buddy leans over and mutters, "Do you think I asked for an 11 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50s0pc/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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A very curious kid

Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”
Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?”
Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50rztg/a_very_curious_kid/
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I thought I might try my hand at telling a German sausage joke

I mean, what's the wurst that could happen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ry2i/i_thought_i_might_try_my_hand_at_telling_a_german/
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I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am...

I'm not really a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50rx0c/i_hate_how_funerals_are_always_at_9_or_10am/
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Exactly !

90 year man:  My 30 year wife is pregnant, your opinion doctor?
Dr: Let me tell you a story..
A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrella instead of gun.He moves in to the jungle,sees a lion,lifts the umbrella,pulls the handle &BANG.. the lion drops dead.!
Old man: That's impossible, someone
else must have shot the lion.
Dr: EXACTLY ..!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50rvho/exactly/
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It's funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody... that sorta thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50rtrw/its_funny_how_we_all_sleep_differently/
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Another one from my college professor...

In a small park, there is a fountain with two nude statues. A man and woman
One day, an angel comes down and says to the statues:
"For your many years of long-standing beauty and service to society, I will bring you to life for 30 minutes."
The statues hear this and spring to life
The man and woman gaze at each other for a moment, and then dart towards a nearby shrubbery
There is a lot thrashing and laughing
15 minutes later they come out of the shubbery, tickled pink, satisfied, and giggling
"You have another 15 minutes. If you wish to do it again, you may do so." says the angel
The man looks at the woman and asks: "Again?"
*"Oh* ***heck yeah***" exclaims the woman
"This time let's change positions. I'll hold it down while you shit on the pigeon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50rst1/another_one_from_my_college_professor/
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When my wife starts to sing..........

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50rrwv/when_my_wife_starts_to_sing/
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So a toothbrush salesman is down on his luck

He goes into a bar and orders a shot.  The bartender gives him a shot and asks "What's wrong buddy? You look like the world is about to collapse."
"Well my friend,(the salesman slowly take his shot, stares at the empty glass and replies) I'm a toothbrush salesman and I haven't made a sale in over a month.  My wife is the most faithful and beautiful person I've ever known. I don't think I can keep this marriage together though."
The bartender looks at the man with a strange sense of care and asks "What seems to be the marital issues? Are you cheating on her?"
"No! I never would."
"Are you spending money you shouldn't be?"
"Lord no! She's the breadwinner."
The bartender looks perplexed.  He asks "I thought you are a salesman, what's wrong?"
The salesman tells him "I've been trying this for months and haven't landed one sale, I've gone to every dentist in the state and I can't get one to endorse my toothbrush and if I can't make any sales, my life, my world, she's going to leave me!"
As the salesman breaks down into tears the bartender tells him "Why don't you use your pitch on me! I used to be in sales I'd be more than happy to help you."
The salesman, more than elated, runs out to his car and brings in a box.  He proceeds to open it and it contains chips, salsa, and a toothbrush.
"Here sir, try these chips and salsa."
The bartender takes a chip and a huge chunk of salsa immediately spitting it out and yelling
"This tastes like shit!!"
"It is, would you like a toothbrush?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50roww/so_a_toothbrush_salesman_is_down_on_his_luck/
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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper...

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "
"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off."
The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family.
"I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes."
The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.
Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.
The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.
The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought...."  then he gets another idea.....
Without hesitation, he runs over to the *mother* throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.
The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep.
The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.
The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline.
The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50rojv/a_guy_buys_a_vintage_motorcycle_he_saw_for_sale/
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A blonde really needed money

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.
At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'
'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'
'Great,' the man replied. 'You'll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.'
The man went back into the house to his wife, who'd been listening. 'A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife.
'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!' he said.
About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. 'I'm all done,' she reported.
The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?'
'Yeah,' the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!'
The man reached into his wallet to pay her.
'And by the way,' said the blonde, 'that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50rmub/a_blonde_really_needed_money/
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How does a train eat?

It goes chew chew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50rl03/how_does_a_train_eat/
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I just bought a bottle of Drano...

Well that was $4 down the drain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50rjsg/i_just_bought_a_bottle_of_drano/
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What do you call it when an escort farts?

A prosti-toot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50rjoj/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_escort_farts/
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When you've got a bladder infection...

Urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ridw/when_youve_got_a_bladder_infection/
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Why are there so many women archeologists?

Because they love digging up the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50rhsp/why_are_there_so_many_women_archeologists/
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So... There was a kidnapping at my school...

But don't worry-- he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50rgxt/so_there_was_a_kidnapping_at_my_school/
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A Man Walks Into A Doctor's Office

A man walks into a doctor's office.
He says "Doctor, you gotta help me, I keep thinking I'm a moth!"
The doctor looks confused and says "Well, why the hell did you come in here? I'm a cardiologist, not a psychologist."
The man says "I know! The light was on..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50rgvz/a_man_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
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How does Henry VIII like his coffee?

Decap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50recg/how_does_henry_viii_like_his_coffee/
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Imagine a masonry wall...

Now, picture just one piece of it...
This, my friends, is a mental block.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50r70t/imagine_a_masonry_wall/
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What do you call ravens trying to marry crows.

Conspiracy to commit murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50r5iw/what_do_you_call_ravens_trying_to_marry_crows/
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What is a pirates nightmare date?

A girl with a sunken chest and no booty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50r4bx/what_is_a_pirates_nightmare_date/
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They say jokes lessen tragedy

Is that why my parents became comedians after having me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50r0ct/they_say_jokes_lessen_tragedy/
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My birthday present from my friendly Lesbian neighbors

So it was my birthday and I'm really good friends with the lesbian couple next door. I told them what I was wanting this year and they ended up giving me a brand new gold Rolex. I was disappointed to say the least.
I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50qyk3/my_birthday_present_from_my_friendly_lesbian/
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What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50qu04/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_works_in_the/
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Roman mythology in 3 words

The fuck's plagiarism?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50qo7j/roman_mythology_in_3_words/
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Being an ugly woman is like being a man...

You're going to have to work.
-Daniel Tosh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50qnf5/being_an_ugly_woman_is_like_being_a_man/
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Why do people love working at yogurt factories?

Because of the culture!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50qmew/why_do_people_love_working_at_yogurt_factories/
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I said to my wife Barb,

‘You make an excellent point.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ql0i/i_said_to_my_wife_barb/
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A young couple took there 9 year old son to the doctor.

With some hesitations, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small dick...
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two,” the mother replied. “The rest are for your father.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50qckw/a_young_couple_took_there_9_year_old_son_to_the/
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A man's car breaks down outside a monastery.

The monks take him in and give him dinner--a fantastic dinner, of fish & chips. Best fish & chips he's ever had.
So he goes into the kitchen to compliment the chef. He says to one brother, "Excuse me, are you the fish friar?"
"No," he answers. "I'm the chip monk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50q9t0/a_mans_car_breaks_down_outside_a_monastery/
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Mommy! The boys at school pay me to climb trees!

"Honey, they only want you to do that so they can see your panties!"
Yeah, I know, that's why I take them off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50q95z/mommy_the_boys_at_school_pay_me_to_climb_trees/
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Man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.

Man walks into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He solemnly drinks each one. The bartender asks why he needs the three separate shots, and why all at once.
"Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me. Seein' as how we can't be in the same bar, we figure if all three of us do this once a month, well--it's almost like we're drinkin' together."
A month goes by, and the guy comes back in, orders three shots, drinks all three. And again each month, for years. When asked to explain, he always says the same thing: "Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me."
Until one month when the guy comes in and orders only two shots. Drinks them solemn as you please. The concerned bartender asks: "Excuse me, but--did something happen to one of your brothers?"
"No--this one's for me brother in Dublin. And this one's for me brother in New York. I quit drinkin'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50q7rd/man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_three_shots_of/
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2 hillbillies

Two hillbillies, Cletus and Billy Bob, walk down the road together. Cletus has a burlap sack slung over his shoulder, and Billy Bob gets as curious as someone with a brain the size of a pea possibly could be. "Hey there, Cletus, what've ya got in that there bag?"
"Chickens, Billy Bob." Cletus responded with a nod.
"An' how many then, Cletus?" Billy Bob asked him.
Cletus put his free hand on his chin and wrinkled his eyebrows in thought. "Tell yer what, Billy Bob... If yer can guess how many chickens I got in this here bag, you can have the both of 'em."
"Ah bet ya got 3."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50q7mv/2_hillbillies/
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What do Eskimo's and Ziploc bags have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50q41t/what_do_eskimos_and_ziploc_bags_have_in_common/
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What do you call a pretzel with roofies in it?

Forget-me-knots!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50q3aj/what_do_you_call_a_pretzel_with_roofies_in_it/
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Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when his military advisor entered.
"Sir we've received reports that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.  You should probably prepare a statement, the media will be here shortly."
Bush was visibly taken aback.
"This... this can't be"
He said as he started to tremble.
"Uhh, yes sir, I'm sorry to inform you."
Replied the advisor, slightly puzzled.
"What does this mean for the war effort?"
Bush responded, choking back tears.
"Well sir, loss of life is always tragic but the war effort should remain relatively uninterrupted."
With this Bush slammed his fist down on the table
"How!  How can you say that!  I appointed you to advise me, not feed me lies!"
At this Bush buried his head into his trembling hands.
"Sir.... you really should compose yourself.  The news trucks will get here any minute."
Bush took a deep breath, despair etched into his face.
"Okay," he said trying to hold himself together.
"But before I go out there and speak I have to know... How many millions are in a Brazilian"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50q36v/three_brazilian_soldiers_were_killed_in_iraq/
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Dates are cool when I tell them I worked in a prison for twenty five years.

But man, if I forget that ‘a’...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50q2o5/dates_are_cool_when_i_tell_them_i_worked_in_a/
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What's the most important part about making a Pokemon joke?

The Exeggution!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50q0ds/whats_the_most_important_part_about_making_a/
%
I found a cheap prosthetic arm on Craigslist

Secondhand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pzt2/i_found_a_cheap_prosthetic_arm_on_craigslist/
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A trucker is driving down the road one lonely night..

when he comes upon a brothel so he pulls over. He goes inside and there is an older woman with a glass eye sitting at the front desk.
Man: "Yes how much is a night with your most beautiful girl?"
Old Woman: "If all the way it is around 500"
Man: "That is steep, what about just a blowjob?"
Old Woman: " With our most popular girl it will be 200, but if you want to be freaky Ill give you one for 50 bucks, guaranteed best youve ever had"
The man is intrigued by the offer and debates in his head until finally he agrees. She takes him into the back room and says take off your pants. With his dick out ready to go, the older woman pops her glass eye out and starts to put his dick in her eye. He freaks out.
Man:"What are you doing!??"
Older Woman"Just trust me you're gonna love this"
Even though hes weirded out he lets her do it and goddamn it is the best shit hes ever felt in his life. After finishing up the older woman walks the man back out to his truck..
Man:"That was the weirdest shit Ive ever done but it felt amazing. The next time I roll through here Im coming here and seeing you again.
and the older woman says "Sounds good Ill keep an eye out for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pycj/a_trucker_is_driving_down_the_road_one_lonely/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball...

Gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pwkv/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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What did the Jewish pedophile say to the children?

Want to buy a piece of candy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pvcg/what_did_the_jewish_pedophile_say_to_the_children/
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A cop came to my house and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes

that's ridiculous I said, my dogs don't ride bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50puna/a_cop_came_to_my_house_and_told_me_my_dogs_were/
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Joke my 63 year old British dad just told me...

Two American astronauts zoom off to the moon, they land on the moon safely and hop out of the module. They do some routine work, collecting rock samples, checking temperatures and the like.
Then one of them sees a man in the distance sitting on a deck chair wearing a handkerchief with knots on each corner on his head licking an ice cream. He turns to the other astronaut and says "Who the hell is that!". So they go over and one of the astronauts asks "Who are you!?" to which the man replied "Can't you see? I'm God!".
"Well God, what are you doing here in such a desolate place like the moon?" said one of the astronauts.
"I'm on holiday! Can't you tell?" replies God.
"Well why the moon?" said the astronaut.
"Well it's like this, last year I went to Mars: All these funny little green men running about all over the place, I didn't like it. The year before that I went Venus: Far too hot." Says god.
Now this astronaut had an idea, he thought " If I can get him to come back to Earth with us I might be able make some money out of this, play it of as the second coming off Jesus!"
So the astronaut asks God "Why don't you come to Earth, it's much nicer down here there's warm blue sea's and blue skies and long golden beaches - a beautiful planet! I can give you a lift!"
To this god tells them "Earth! Don't talk to me about that place! I went there over 2000 years ago, got some woman in the pudding club and they're STILL talking about it now!"
*I've more or less transcribed this for you word for word but my dad's British and didn't say 'got her pregnant' instead he said 'got her in the pudding club' which I have no idea if people outside the UK will know what that means but he was adamant that it stayed in.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ptv3/joke_my_63_year_old_british_dad_just_told_me/
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A couple of men in prison were telling each other jokes

After telling them so many times to each other they started referring to them as numbers. Someone would shout "45!" and they'd all start laughing. One day a new inmate arrived. He never understood why they laughed everytime someone said a number, so he just laughed along. After a week or so he decided it was his turn to try, so he shouted "345!" and to his luck, everyone laughed like never before because they hadn't heard that one before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pt63/a_couple_of_men_in_prison_were_telling_each_other/
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The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]

I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pqw1/the_best_part_about_being_an_abortionist_nsfw/
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Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

Because she is a woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ppbd/why_cant_hellen_keller_drive/
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"Dear Husband, lets fuck on the floor"

"Why?"
"I wanna feel something hard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pp18/dear_husband_lets_fuck_on_the_floor/
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Washington Redskins Name Change

The Washington Redskins are changing their team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.
...from now on they will simply be known as the Redskins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pok0/washington_redskins_name_change/
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Einstein made a theory about space

...And it was about time too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50po9z/einstein_made_a_theory_about_space/
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What do you call a trucker that doesn't drive anymore?

Semi-retired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50po1x/what_do_you_call_a_trucker_that_doesnt_drive/
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Doctor talking to a woman

Doctor says: It looks like you're pregnant.
Woman says: I'm pregnant?
Doctor says: No, it just looks like you're pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pnq1/doctor_talking_to_a_woman/
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How do you piss off a Hun?

You can't; they're nomads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pn27/how_do_you_piss_off_a_hun/
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Why are volcanoes mischievous?

Because they erupt to no good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pk69/why_are_volcanoes_mischievous/
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Is the ocean salty because...

the land doesn't wave back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50phbj/is_the_ocean_salty_because/
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My favorite joke

Two guys are drinking in the restaurant atop the Space Needle on a windy day.
Man 1: You... You know... When it is this windy, you can jump off the edge, and the wind will blow you back on.
Man 2: Bull.
Man 1: No man, I'm telling you. The wind just blows you back on. Here, let me show you.
The two men drunkily sneak outside and stand on the edge. When another gust comes, the first man leaps off the edge. He floats in the wind for a moment, and sure enough, the wind whips him back onto the ledge.
Man 2: I gotta try this!
He takes a running leap from the edge and plummets straight to his death.
Afterwards, the police are investigating the scene and the Chief of Police goes up to the first man.
Chief: You know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk Superman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pfpy/my_favorite_joke/
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What do you call a dwarf that was on fire?

A lil smokey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pfjg/what_do_you_call_a_dwarf_that_was_on_fire/
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Why is Texas the "Lone Star" state?

It was rated out of five.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pff4/why_is_texas_the_lone_star_state/
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A non-smoker says to a smoker "Excuse me, would you mind smoking somewhere else?"

The smoker replied, "Hypothetically, yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50petu/a_nonsmoker_says_to_a_smoker_excuse_me_would_you/
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Three men are walking along the beach...

Three men are walking along the beach of a tropical island when they encounter a lone mermaid. The mermaid seems friendly, and the men are amazed at seeing this beautiful woman, so they strike up a conversation with her.
Eventually, the first man asks "Have you ever been kissed
before?"
"No," responds the mermaid. So the first man kisses her, and she enjoys it.
The second man then asks "Have you ever had your breasts fondled before?"
"Oh, my, no!" says the mermaid, clearly embarrassed. The second man then convinces her to allow him to fondle her breasts, and she enjoys it also.
Finally, the third man says to the mermaid "have you ever been fucked before?"
"Oh, goodness, no!", the mermaid says, her face bright red from embarrassment.
The third man responds, "Well, you are now, the tide's out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pdln/three_men_are_walking_along_the_beach/
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Forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom...

...made it impossible to shit post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pd9l/forgot_my_phone_when_i_went_to_the_bathroom/
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Little Guido comes home from school crying

Mom: why are you crying
Guido: at school they are calling me mafioso
Mom: don't worry.  I'll go to the school and take care of it.
Guido: ok just make sure it looks like an accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50pasy/little_guido_comes_home_from_school_crying/
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What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decalfinated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50p9u9/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_just_gave_birth/
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What do you call a Dothraki mathematician

Khal culator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50p9df/what_do_you_call_a_dothraki_mathematician/
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What is that?

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!
The official laughed and let the old man through.
The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home.
The official laughed and let him through.
When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: Who is that?
Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50p92h/what_is_that/
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I recently joined a support group for people who peaked in high school.

It's called Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50p7rn/i_recently_joined_a_support_group_for_people_who/
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I went to a zoo where the only animal they had was a dog

It was a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50p6bu/i_went_to_a_zoo_where_the_only_animal_they_had/
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Why did the gay necropheliac stop by the morgue on his way home?

He wanted to suck down a few cold ones after work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50p58n/why_did_the_gay_necropheliac_stop_by_the_morgue/
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What kind of Bagel flies?

a plain bagel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50p0pu/what_kind_of_bagel_flies/
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I love the way the Earth rotates...

It really makes my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ozk7/i_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
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Tithe Joke

Three religious leaders of the community, a priest, a rabbi, and an evangelical preacher are sitting around talking about how they run their finances.
The priest says, "At the end of the week, I make a line on the floor. Then I take all of the money out of the donation box, throw it in the air, and what lands on the left is for God and the church, and what lands on the right is for me."
The rabbi says, "I do something similar. At the end of the week, I draw a big circle on the floor. I throw the donation money into the air, and whatever lands in the circle is for God and the temple and whatever lands outside the circle is for me"
The evangelical preacher perks up with his thick southern drawl, "I do something similar too. At the end of the week, I throw all of the donation money into the air." With a smile: "Whatever God catches, he keeps".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ozj6/tithe_joke/
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what type of music does a balloon hate?

Pop music

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50oyoj/what_type_of_music_does_a_balloon_hate/
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My Irish mom always told jokes about wee Paddy. This one was always my fave.

There was an Englishman, a Scot and wee Paddy from Ireland all stranded on an island. They found a genie lamp and they rubbed it and a genie appeared and said they had three wishes. They quickly decided they would each get one. The Englishman wished to be back home with his family. *Poof* he was gone. The Scot made the same wish. *Poof* he was gone. It was Paddy's turn and he thought long and hard about what to wish for. And then it came to him: "Ach, I'm awful lonely...I wish I had me friends back"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50oxpf/my_irish_mom_always_told_jokes_about_wee_paddy/
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What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?

A family reunion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ovh9/what_do_you_call_88_rednecks_in_an_orgy/
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My boss phoned me.

"You're late."
I said, "I'm driving right now. Can't talk."
"Where are you?"
"I'm at the go-kart centre." I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50or1a/my_boss_phoned_me/
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Why do people never eat clocks?....

Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50oqlv/why_do_people_never_eat_clocks/
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Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says

How do you drive this thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50oqdb/two_fish_are_in_a_tank_one_turns_to_the_other_and/
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I love my wife, I couldn't ask for more.

Because she wouldn't let me have another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50oqcc/i_love_my_wife_i_couldnt_ask_for_more/
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I once farted in an elevator

I was wrong on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50opti/i_once_farted_in_an_elevator/
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If my neighbors are gonna get angry every time I see them...

why did I even buy the binoculars?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50op5w/if_my_neighbors_are_gonna_get_angry_every_time_i/
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What do you call a man who admits to viewing porn, watching strippers, and thinking about other women?

Honest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50omy0/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_admits_to_viewing_porn/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

...a rip off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ok65/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Today, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships...

Apparently "in HD" was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50oj71/today_a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
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An elderly couple die in a car wreck and appear at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greets them and invites them in.
He takes them to a nearby car lot and tells them to choose a car. The old man says, "I can't afford any of those cars." St. Peter tells him not to worry about it, because it's Heaven and the cars are there for his use...Ferrari, Bentley, Mercedes...any model, any color, just swap them out whenever you feel like it.
They get into a Bentley and St. Peter takes them to their new home. Again, the old man is concerned about the expense and St. Peter reassures him.
Then St. Peter shows them their new country club. A beautiful facility with all the amenities. It's lunch time, so they go the buffet where all kinds of wonderful foods are laid out. When the man worries about the health aspect, St. Peter says, "This is Heaven, you are here for eternity and will never get fat or unhealthy.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "You and your damned bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50oint/an_elderly_couple_die_in_a_car_wreck_and_appear/
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I spent an hour staring at the OJ container yesterday.

It said "concentrate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50oiao/i_spent_an_hour_staring_at_the_oj_container/
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A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain

. The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it.
The brunette jumped off and said she wanted to be an Eagle, so she turned into an Eagle and flew away.
Next, the redhead jumped off and said she wanted to be a cat. So, she landed on all fours and walked away.
Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, and yelled... "CRAP!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ohrz/a_blonde_brunette_and_red_head_were_on_top_of_a/
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I’m not a good cook.

At Christmas my family got together and bought me a stove that flushes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ohfj/im_not_a_good_cook/
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Daddy what is a transvestite?

"Daddy what is a transvestite?"
"Ask Mommy, he knows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ogci/daddy_what_is_a_transvestite/
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What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?

I don't know, she hasn't opened it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50od2o/what_did_the_girl_with_no_hands_get_for_her/
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What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50oc1y/what_animal_has_five_legs/
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A man is due to get married.

A couple of days before the wedding, his fiancee's sister calls him.
"Can you come round to my place please, I need help moving some furniture".
Ever the good brother-in-law to be, the man goes round.
Once inside, the fiancee's sister confronts him. She explains she's always found him attractive, she has a huge thing for him, and begs for a quick fling, a night of passion before he commits to his married life.
She goes closer to him, pressing her body onto his, slowly runnung her hands down his chest.
"Wait a minute, just hold on a second", the shocked man says, before he grabs his car keys and runs out of the address.
As he gets outside, he sees his finacee stood there, with her mother and father, and all the family. They begin to applaud and cheer the man's honorable decision, before congratulating and embracing him. He looks round to see the sister stood in the door doing the same.
The morale of this man's story? Always keep your condoms in the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50oamq/a_man_is_due_to_get_married/
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"Doctor, I'm feeling sick"

"Well then, let's find out what you have. Would you cough once please?". The patient coughs. "Would you cough once more please?". The patient does as he is told and coughs a second time, then asks "So, what is wrong?". The doctor replies "I think you have a cough".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50o8iq/doctor_im_feeling_sick/
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Losing his virginity -

My dad played this joke on me when I was 14, and I will recount it exactly as it happened.
When I was 14 my father and I were driving on a country road. Nothing much was being said, when suddenly, he pointed to a bridge. You see that bridge over there? Yes, I replied. Well, he continued,  I lost my virginity underneath that bridge.
Now, keep in mind, my dad was a bit conservative, and the subject of sex was never discussed. I suddenly felt a bit uncomfortable, as one can imagine.
And believe it or not, he says, without waiting for me to respond. Her mom was watching!
At this point, I am flabbergasted, not really knowing what to say, or what to do.
And, you know what else? he asked. All she said was, moooooo.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50o8dm/losing_his_virginity/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50o88r/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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A gynecologist tells his patient "You have the largest vagina I've ever seen! You have the largest vagina I've ever seen!"

The woman says "well doctor you didn't have to say it twice.."
The doctor replies "I didn't! ^I ^didn't! ^^I ^^didn't! ^^^I ^^^didn't! ^^^^I ^^^^didn't! ^^^^"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50o77w/a_gynecologist_tells_his_patient_you_have_the/
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What is the meaning of life?

A movie.
Told to me by Siri. Pissed myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50o484/what_is_the_meaning_of_life/
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They say diarrhea is a hereditary illness.

It runs in your genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50o0y7/they_say_diarrhea_is_a_hereditary_illness/
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They say you can’t get a decent job without education.....

They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the Moon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50nyxb/they_say_you_cant_get_a_decent_job_without/
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Most people don't enjoy puns. Wordplay almost feels like an emotional knife stab to them. But at least they appreciate my humour when I get home

It just goes to show you, the only good pun is a dad pun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ny89/most_people_dont_enjoy_puns_wordplay_almost_feels/
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We wanted to bury our cat Ivy under our ivy

but it was too thick to get through so we renamed it dumpster instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ntt0/we_wanted_to_bury_our_cat_ivy_under_our_ivy/
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One of my nipples is a different color from the

other two. Is this normal?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ntd0/one_of_my_nipples_is_a_different_color_from_the/
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(NSFW) A woman goes to her gynecologist for an examination.

The gyn is examining her vagina and thinks to himself this is the most beautiful vagina he's ever seen.
He tells her he has to probe deeper and will need to numb her. She, of course, agrees.
He begins licking her vagina and says, "Num, num, num."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ns2m/nsfw_a_woman_goes_to_her_gynecologist_for_an/
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The camping story

A couple of years ago I went out camping in the woods with a few of my friends. It was a dark and stormy night, and we felt very alone in our little tent, so we started telling scary stories.
I described how the hills we were in used to be coal mining country, and the coal mines were dark and dangerous. If you didn’t die from coal lung you’d die from cave-ins, and if you didn’t die from either of those, you’d starve to death on the miniscule wages they paid you. The mine just up the hill from us was the worst. The manager had an extortion racket that he was keeping hidden from the owners - he would demand a “tribute” of 50% of the day’s wages from each of his miners, or he would think up a reason to get them fired. Pay was starvation level even without giving the manager his cut, and so after a few months of this tribute the miners became pale, sickly, and emaciated. Paradoxically, they started working harder and harder, hoping they would strike it rich enough to get a bonus that they could use to get out of that awful place.
One of the miners worked even harder than the others. He just kept digging and digging, and when he looked back, he’d gone too far, left everyone else behind, and couldn’t find his way back. Life out there was so bad he found he barely cared. He just kept digging and digging and digging, figuring that working himself to death was as good a way to go as any other.
Finally he came to a vein of rock darker than any he’d ever seen before, and when he broke through it - wham! - he had dug all the way to Hell. Satan came over to meet him, and told the miner that they had a problem. He couldn’t stay in Hell, because he wasn’t a sinner. But he couldn’t go back either, because the rules say no mortal may leave Hell alive. So Satan offered him a deal - he would transform the man into a vengeful ghost, who could spend eternity possessing mortals and driving them to madness.
The miner thought a bit, but he wasn’t convinced. The only guy he wanted to possess and drive to madness was his evil manager who had stolen a tribute from every one of his paychecks. After getting revenge on him, he wasn’t sure he wanted an eternity of possessing random other people. Satan suggested that maybe he could spend eternity possessing people and talking about how evil his manager was, so as to make his name forever dishonored. The man thought that was a good idea, and so with a word Satan transformed him into a spirit. He spent a while haunting his evil manager, then after that possessed random other people in the area to give monologues on how exploitative his manager’s labor practices were.
And so, I finished, sometimes, on nights much like tonight, with groups of campers much like our own…
“Hold on,” interrupted my friend. “Is this going to end with you saying that you’re possessed right now, and that’s why you’re telling us this story?”
“Um,” I said…“I guess that…”
Just then the police burst into our tent. “Stop right there!” said one of the officers. “You’re under arrest!”
“For what?” I asked.
“Possession by a miner within tent to diss tribute.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50nryy/the_camping_story/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter.  He's not coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50nowq/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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A farmer was out tending his flock when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from a stream.

He shouted over in Welsh: “Don't drink the water! It's disgusting! There's sheep poo in it!”
The man at the stream lifted his head and carried on drinking. Realising the man couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and shouted the same thing in Welsh again.
But still the man couldn't hear him.
Finally the farmer walked right up to him and repeated his warning. To which the man replied: “Dreadfully sorry, my good man, I can't understand a word you say. Can you speak English, old chap?”
“Oh I see,” said the farmer. “I was just saying if you use both hands you can get more in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50norh/a_farmer_was_out_tending_his_flock_when_he_saw_a/
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What did the gangster's son tells his dad when he failed his examination?

"Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I told them nothing!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50nocz/what_did_the_gangsters_son_tells_his_dad_when_he/
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How do you tell if a girl in Nebraska is a virgin?

She can outrun her brothers...
*mic drop* "I'm out..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50nmk1/how_do_you_tell_if_a_girl_in_nebraska_is_a_virgin/
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A man is going to comic con

He's just throwing around cosplay ideas with his wife, and then he exclaims, "Oh! I could be the Comedian from Watchmen!"
To which his wife replies, "Babe, you don't need to dress up to be a minuteman.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50nhrf/a_man_is_going_to_comic_con/
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how to be a good DJ?

press "PLAY" and don't touch anything ever again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ngoo/how_to_be_a_good_dj/
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Today I made this one without knowing it at first...

I always keep forgetting unimportant things and my friend asked me: "Does someone in your family have alzheimer?"
Me: "Not that I would know..."
My friends starts laughing, I realize why and join in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50nf9q/today_i_made_this_one_without_knowing_it_at_first/
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Me: I can't believe that they're still together after all the shit they have been through!

Friend: Who?
Me: My ass cheeks. I've got a bad case of diarrhea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50nf56/me_i_cant_believe_that_theyre_still_together/
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50nd30/one_afternoon_a_lawyer_was_riding_in_his/
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"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?"

"I've no idea, Someoneyourownsize."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ncrr/mommy_why_does_everyone_at_school_pick_on_me/
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My friend says he needs to get hydrated immediately.

Well, water you waiting for?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50nadi/my_friend_says_he_needs_to_get_hydrated/
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A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50n8mh/a_husband_went_to_the_sheriffs_department_to/
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Chris Brown has been receiving support from celebrity friends.

“We wish Chris all the best and expect to see him soon,” said O.J. Simpson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50n7gc/chris_brown_has_been_receiving_support_from/
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Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting...

...or has multiple restraining orders against me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50n7fe/why_is_it_everything_i_love_is_either_unhealthy/
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game......

.....They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50n6pv/a_guy_took_his_blonde_girlfriend_to_her_first/
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You may not like EVERY government agency...

...but you've really gotta hand it to the IRS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50n6i1/you_may_not_like_every_government_agency/
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A feminist got drunk at lunch, accused her boss of coming on to her, and slapped him in the face.

She got loaded, triggered, and fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50n6ab/a_feminist_got_drunk_at_lunch_accused_her_boss_of/
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Greek mythology in 3 words

Zeus got horny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50n3ie/greek_mythology_in_3_words/
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What do guns and feminists have in common?

They are very loud when triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50n1vl/what_do_guns_and_feminists_have_in_common/
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Where do baby robotic vacuums come from?

The Woomba
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50n1op/where_do_baby_robotic_vacuums_come_from/
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Just met a girl with 12 boobs...sounds funny..

Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50n02l/just_met_a_girl_with_12_boobssounds_funny/
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You're in charge of the supplies

American, Englishman and a China man apply for a job at a construction site.
Foreman gives the American the job of carpentry, the English man the job of masonry and the China man gets the job of supplies.
A month later the foreman comes back to the site and finds the American sawing and sweating away at the wood with stacks of it all around him. The foreman says 'good job' and walks on and finds the Englishman laying blocks and cement and building walls all over the place. The foreman says 'good job' and goes looking for the China man but can't find him anywhere. Have you seen the China man? asked the foreman. No I haven't seen him in a month said the American. No I haven't seen him since after we got here said the Englishman. So they go about the site looking for him. They come to a big pile of boxes in the corner gathering dust and the foreman leans over to look inside one, when the whole pile bursts open and out jumps the China man and shouts 'Supplizzee!' throwing his hands out into the air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mwt7/youre_in_charge_of_the_supplies/
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I'm an attorney working on my fifth freelance project.

That guy really needs to stop getting arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mwdt/im_an_attorney_working_on_my_fifth_freelance/
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A Gorgeous Young Redhead Goes into the Doctor’s Office...

She said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor took off his glasses and said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde. I just dyed my hair last week.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mw5f/a_gorgeous_young_redhead_goes_into_the_doctors/
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My wife was cremated after her death.

Also during.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mruq/my_wife_was_cremated_after_her_death/
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A bunch of girls in the local collage went the Bra-less feminist way

Their spokesperson said to the local media : "Yes we know we don't have much support, but word's out that the Male students appreciate the movement "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mru5/a_bunch_of_girls_in_the_local_collage_went_the/
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I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs.

It was a portent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mq31/i_knew_my_camping_holiday_was_doomed_when_i_saw/
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An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."
The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and all upstanding members of their respective communities.
Jim was a devout, aging Catholic, and he brought the five thousand in large bills, so as not to occupy much space in the coffin. He later told the members of his congregation, and oh how they lauded him on his selflessness to ease the mind of a dying friend.
Michael was a converted Muslim, and he feared that the dead had no use for paper money, so he converted the five thousand into gold for his friend, leaving the ingots next to the bills. He felt a great warmth inside of him, a feeling that can only be brought about by a good, charitable deed.
David was born Jewish, but wasn't so devout as many of his colleagues. He refused to buck off the stereotype and worked as a moneylender, a loan agent. Because of this, he understood how exchange rates worked and how trying to convert 3 different types of money to one may be hard for a man with little experience handling cash. Therefore, he wrote a check for fifteen thousand dollars, and took the gold and bills as change. He left his friend's side with such a great smile, he must have known the time he'd saved him in the afterlife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mp5o/an_old_dying_man_invites_3_of_his_friends_to_his/
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A joke my girlfriend came up with today...

"Can you let me out the basement for 5 minutes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mom5/a_joke_my_girlfriend_came_up_with_today/
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A joke from my 5 year old brother...

Q: What has four legs but doesn't move?
A: A statue of a dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mnlr/a_joke_from_my_5_year_old_brother/
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A female dwarf goes to a doctor......

........complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.
The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk..
He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
The doctor emerges from under her skirt.
"How's that?" he asks
"Well, it's a lot better actually" she says, "but...........it's still there."
Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
Snip, snip, snip,snip..
Out he comes. "How's that?"
He asks again more confidently.
"That's wonderful! What did you do?" she asked.
"Oh nothing, I just trimmed the top of your Ugg boots"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mljw/a_female_dwarf_goes_to_a_doctor/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mkxo/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
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How Were People Born?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family." -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mg5z/how_were_people_born/
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A doctor was checking up on his Patient at the psychiatric hospital

Doctor: How are you feeling?
Patient: I keep fantasizing about baboons playing soccer.
Doctor: Ok, I will give you medicine today, you'll stop fantasizing...
Patient: Give me the medicine tomorrow, today it's the finals!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50md4p/a_doctor_was_checking_up_on_his_patient_at_the/
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Did you hear about the penny and magnifying glass who got married?

Their wedding was magnifycent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mctd/did_you_hear_about_the_penny_and_magnifying_glass/
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A boy is asking santa for a heavy sweater for christmas present

so santa send him a sumo wrestler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mbw9/a_boy_is_asking_santa_for_a_heavy_sweater_for/
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once upon a time

Once upon a time, there was a farmer who owned a small farm. He didn’t have many animals, but he did have two he loved immensely: his dog Spot, and his prize winning race horse, the fastest horse ever to run in the Kentucky Derby, Bolt. One day, the farmer and Spot were in the stables to watch a mare give birth to Bolt’s child. But to their surprise, the mare gave birth to not one, but two, strong, healthy foals. The farmer named the first born Buck and the second Casper.
From the very beginning, Buck and Casper shared their father’s competitive spirit. Within seconds of both being born, Buck looks at Casper and says “Hey brother! Let’s see who can stand up first.” Casper agreed, “Challenge accepted.” Buck tried to stand first, got half-way erect, and then fell over. Next Casper tried to stand, made it all the way up, wobbled, and fell down. Spot and the farmer watched intently, as this continued back and forth for a couple minutes, each brother standing a little longer than the other, until eventually Buck stood up and remained standing. “I win!” exclaimed Buck. “You sure did,” Casper replied “but it was very close. I know I’ll win next time!”
Some time passes, and the farmer decides that Buck and Casper are now old enough to be let out of the stables and explore the farm. The farmer, Spot and all the other animals gather around to watch the two young horses get their first taste of the outdoors. As soon as the two foals exit the stables, Buck turns to Casper and says “You see that fence across the field? Let’s have a race! First one to the fence and back wins.” “You’re on!” Casper replies.
And so the two horses take off towards the fence. First, Buck takes the lead, then Casper pulls ahead, then Buck takes the lead again as they reach the fence. On the way back the two horses are neck-and-neck, Casper ahead one second, Buck the next. Casper gives his all and takes a slight lead. “I’m going to win” he excitedly thinks, but at the last second Buck has a burst of speed and pulls ahead by a foot, winning the race. “I win!” Buck neighs loudly. “You sure did brother,” Casper replies “but that was very close. I’ll win the next race, I just know it.”
Having witnessed their race, the farmer decides to enter them in the next local horse derby. The farmer and Spot sit in the stands, watching with anticipation as the horses line up, Buck and Casper next to each other in lanes 3 and 4. “This is it! This is the race I’m going to beat you!” Casper says to Buck. “Probably brother! You are very fast and trained very hard” Buck says in return. At the sound of the gunshot, Buck and Casper take off out of the gates. They very quickly get way ahead of the other horses, and the two brothers stay neck-and-neck. First buck is ahead by a few inches, then Casper gets the lead, then Buck again, then Casper; back-and-forth until it seems like Casper finally has the lead. “I got it this time!” Casper whinnies in excitement, but suddenly Buck is right there next to him, and before Casper could dig deep for a burst of speed, they cross the finish line, Buck just a few inches ahead. “Drat!” Casper says, a little upset. “That was so close! I could taste victory.” “It was a very good race brother!” Buck says, “I’m very proud of you, that was the closest we’ve ever been. I thought you had it for sure.”
A few years pass of Buck and Casper racing, training, and growing. Year after year the farmer enters them into the races, year after year the farmer and Spot watch, and year after year Buck wins by a hair, with Casper getting closer and closer with each race. Finally, Buck and Casper are so fast and so famous – The Twin Bolts, they’re called – that they both get invited to compete in the Kentucky Derby. On the big day, the farmer and Spot watch from home on the TV as Buck and Casper wish each other luck, and go to their gates to await the race. The starting gun fires, and all the horses take off. This time it’s a very close race; all the horses stay tight in a pack for most of the track. But near the end, all the horses begin to tire and slow – all the horses except for Buck and Casper.
Casper manages to get a good lead, and he looks back to his brother and yells “I’m going to win this time, there’s nothing you can do!” But his cockiness got the better of him, and the farmer, Spot, and Buck all watched in horror as just before the finish line, Casper loses his footing and takes a terrible fall, knocking himself out.
After the race, Casper wakes up back home in the stables, Buck watching over him intently. “How do you feel Casper” Buck asks with concern, but Casper can think only of the race. “Did I win?” he asks. “Did I finally beat you?” Buck shakes his head solemnly “I’m afraid not brother. You stopped just in front of the finish line. The race was stopped because of your injury, but I was declared the winner since I was in second place.”
Casper is devastated by this news. “…but …I was going to win” he says sadly, trying to stand. But one of Casper’s front legs gives him a sharp pain, and he falls over. “Are you okay Casper?” Buck asks, concern heavy in his voice. “The vet said you broke your leg. You need to give it time to heal.”
And so he did, but time never fully healed his leg. For years, Casper stayed at the farm, limping as he tried to run, while Buck continued to win Derby after Derby, eventually breaking his father Bolt’s speed record and winning more Derbies than any other horse in memory. Spot would watch Casper from the porch, saddened by the state of the once proud equine.
Many years later, the farmer retires Buck from racing. The two horses, now old, spend most of their time in the stables, Casper always quiet and sad. One day, Buck turns to Casper and says “You know brother, I miss the old days when we would race side-by-side. What do you say to one last race, huh?” But Casper shakes his head and says “There’s no point. Even in my prime, I could never beat you. What chance do I have now that I am old and lame?” Saddened by his brother’s depression, Buck gets an idea. “You know what brother? You’re the reason I ran so fast. You inspired me, our whole lives, to push myself and be the best I could be. I always looked up to you.” This makes Casper a little happy, so Buck continues “I bet that you, my greatest inspiration, will beat me. There’s no way you’ll lose again, you’re too good”. “Alright,” Casper says, his spirits high for the first time in years “I’ll race you. To the fence and back, just like when we were kids. And this time I’ll win!”
As Buck and Casper exit the stables, Spot – now also very old – pads over to watch. The two horses start running, much slower than in previous years, but still with as much intensity as their younger selves would muster. Casper, his excitement allowing him to ignore his old injury, takes the lead. Buck, digging deep, catches up, and they continue neck-and-neck. On the final stretch, Casper pulls ahead. After so many years, he’d finally get to know what it felt like to be number one, first place, the winner. Casper had never felt more proud or excited than at this moment in his life. But just before as he reaches the barn, Buck bolts past him, winning by a hair. Casper is crushed.
Now Spot, who watched the young horses grow up from afar, gets angry at this. He walks up to Buck and growls “Why?! After all the years, after all your victories, why? You couldn’t let your brother have this one race? You just broke his heart!” To which Buck replies
“Holy shit, a talking dog!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mbl2/once_upon_a_time/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mbg8/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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My girlfriend and I were talking about pets, she said she'd like to get a manatee.

I just laughed and said, "Two sugars, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50mb6i/my_girlfriend_and_i_were_talking_about_pets_she/
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What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A $100 bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50m9l3/whats_6_inches_long_2_inches_wide_and_drives_your/
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So I went to the pharmacy the other day

I went in and bought a box of condoms.
The cahsier asked me whether I wanted a bag?
I said no thanks, she's not that ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50m5qr/so_i_went_to_the_pharmacy_the_other_day/
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A soldier ran up to a nun

, Out of breath he asked,
"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran
up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out
from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough
Sister.
You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq .
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a
great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you
would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go
to Iraq either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50m4sn/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
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Letter home from summer camp

Dear Mum & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Love Johnny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50m3ce/letter_home_from_summer_camp/
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I heard a backwards symphony coming from Beethoven's grave

Turns out he's decomposing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50m36c/i_heard_a_backwards_symphony_coming_from/
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Got in our old Mark 1 Golf today...

... My dad grabs shifts into reverse and says...."Aah, this takes me back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50m0lp/got_in_our_old_mark_1_golf_today/
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What do you call an exploding dinosaur?

Dino-mite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50lz4h/what_do_you_call_an_exploding_dinosaur/
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A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.

Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50lvg7/a_housewife_takes_a_lover_during_the_day_while/
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Paternal Payback

On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.
“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ltp8/paternal_payback/
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Three fathers are talking about their sons.

The first father says, "my sons a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini".
The second father said, "my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht".
The third father says, "my sons the CEO of a big company. He's so rich he just bought his best friend a castle".
Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about.
The other three fathers say, "we're talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?"
The fourth father says, "well my sons a gay stripper."
The other three fathers say, "oh wow, you must be really disappointed."
The fourth father replies with, "well not really, he's doing really well. His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50lt3n/three_fathers_are_talking_about_their_sons/
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From my college professor...

A man goes for a health check-up. His doctor gives him a jar and says:
"This is for a sperm count. Fill this jar and bring it back tomorrow."
So the man returns home and gives a go at it.
He tries one hand. Nothing happens.
He tries both hands. Nothing happens.
The man thinks he needs help from his wife.
So his wife tries one hand. Nothing happens.
She tries two hands. Again, nothing happens.
She even uses her mouth. Nothing happens.
So the man thought he should ask his neighbor to help him out.
He goes to the neighbor's house and explains his predicament.
She first tries one hand. Nothing happens.
She tries two hands. Nothing happens.
She also tries her mouth. Teeth and no teeth. Alas, nothing happens.
The man returns to the doctor the next day. The doctor sees the empty jar, and the man explains that he just couldn't do it. The doctor says:
"That's really unfortuna-- wait, you asked your neighbor?!"
"Yeah! No matter what we did we couldn't get the stupid jar open!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50lsnw/from_my_college_professor/
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5 year old son after reading a story of a king:

Son: Mom I also want 5 wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will dance and one will bath me.
Mom: And one will put you to sleep
Son: No mom, I will still sleep with you.
Mom's eyes filled up with tears and said  "bless you son, but who will sleep with your 5 wives?"
Son: Let them sleep with Daddy.
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears and said "bless you my son"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50lol1/5_year_old_son_after_reading_a_story_of_a_king/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

a gun only has one trigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50lkwf/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
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Why did the dolphin apologize?

He didn't do it on porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50li1h/why_did_the_dolphin_apologize/
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To the people who will be posting 9/11 jokes this month:

Please don't do it. Making jokes about 9/11 is just **plane** wrong.
~~dontkillmeforthis~~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50lhaj/to_the_people_who_will_be_posting_911_jokes_this/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
I eat mop
I eat mop who?
( say it out loud )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50lehy/knock_knock/
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What does Donald Trump say when he's mad?

There'll be hell toupee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50lcfn/what_does_donald_trump_say_when_hes_mad/
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I used to think the brain was the most important organ......

Then I thought look who's telling me that.. 🙄

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50lc6r/i_used_to_think_the_brain_was_the_most_important/
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What's the difference between a Youtuber and a hooker?

Both are getting fucked, but the hooker's still getting paid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50lb8e/whats_the_difference_between_a_youtuber_and_a/
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Trying to help a friend

I am trying to help a friend of mine who has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. The package includes box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation, but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 pm. Her name is Brenda. She'll be the one in the white dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50l9cm/trying_to_help_a_friend/
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What do you call a cow that masturbates?

Beef jerky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50l8od/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_masturbates/
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I asked my Welsh friend how many partners he's had in his life...

he started to count and he fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50l7og/i_asked_my_welsh_friend_how_many_partners_hes_had/
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How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50l7jb/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call a person who knows 3 languages?

Trilingual.
What do you call a person who knows 2 languages?
Bilingual.
What do you call a person who knows only one language?
American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50l2fn/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_knows_3_languages/
%
Here's a joke

My life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50l1r5/heres_a_joke/
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Why do old people read the Bible so much?

Cramming for finals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50l0n0/why_do_old_people_read_the_bible_so_much/
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Life is like toilet paper...

you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50kzsx/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
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Walter Jr. had to use both feet to operate the pedals.

He was braking bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ku8k/walter_jr_had_to_use_both_feet_to_operate_the/
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How do frat boys cut down trees?

With a sah, dude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ktsx/how_do_frat_boys_cut_down_trees/
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Introducing my girlfriend to the family

Me: This is my girlfriend Jane
Jane: Hi
Wife: What the fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ks52/introducing_my_girlfriend_to_the_family/
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What's Chris Brown's favourite drink?

Punch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50kpk9/whats_chris_browns_favourite_drink/
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What is the best part of an ISIS joke?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50kni0/what_is_the_best_part_of_an_isis_joke/
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How many nice guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

0 cause they'll compliment it then get pissed off when it won't screw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50kmxb/how_many_nice_guys_does_it_take_to_screw_a/
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What's the integral of 1/(cabin)?

1 natural log cabin.
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50klum/whats_the_integral_of_1cabin/
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A boy walks up to his grandpa..

and he says "Grandpa, what's it called when two people are in bed and one sleeps on top of the other?"
The grandpa decides to be frank and he says, "Well, it's called sexual intercourse."
The boy runs back outside to play with the other kids. After a few minutes the boy runs back in the house and yells, "Grandpa! That's not called sexual intercourse. it's called bunkbeds and Timmy's mom wants to talk to you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50kl97/a_boy_walks_up_to_his_grandpa/
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As a male, I enjoy watching POV porn where the guy recording is black

so I can imagine that I have an enormous vertical leap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50khr0/as_a_male_i_enjoy_watching_pov_porn_where_the_guy/
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I recall one time that the answers were four B's in a row.

I found it strange as it seemed like the questions were built around for this answer only. I had little time left as class was about to end, so I went with my gut and kept the four B's.
I later discovered that I had failed the test. I asked my teacher about it and her response was:
"It was a fucking essay question. Not a multiple choice. Holy shit, I can see why you failed middle school and your father and I have to homeschool you."
Lesson learned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50khen/i_recall_one_time_that_the_answers_were_four_bs/
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Some idiot asked me what the 27th letter of the Arabic alphabet is...

And all I could say was, "Wow".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50khds/some_idiot_asked_me_what_the_27th_letter_of_the/
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I hope Death is a woman....

That way it will never come for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50kg91/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
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Tyrion devises a cunning plan to invade Westeros...

... but Daenerys, Grey Worm, Missandei, Varys, Yara and Theon are all hesitant about his risky scheme -- so Tyrion says "What, am I the only one with balls around here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50kfp6/tyrion_devises_a_cunning_plan_to_invade_westeros/
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What crime did the man get charged with when he killed a black man?

Impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50kfei/what_crime_did_the_man_get_charged_with_when_he/
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What's the difference between a weatherman and a well-hung dick doctor?

One's a meteorologist and the other's a meaty urologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50kdxu/whats_the_difference_between_a_weatherman_and_a/
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My friend got hired at a dildo factory

He got fired the very next day for sitting on the job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50kcp6/my_friend_got_hired_at_a_dildo_factory/
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Americans may pull guns but Canadians....

..may pull leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50kab8/americans_may_pull_guns_but_canadians/
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A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ka52/a_joke_my_4_year_old_came_up_with_today/
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Herschel is down on his luck and flat broke after getting fired from his job.

He prays to God "please God let me win the lottery tomorrow or my car will be repossessed".
Tomorrow comes, and Herschel doesn't win. He loses his car and prays to God again "please God let me win the lottery tomorrow or I'll lose my house".
Tomorrow comes and Herschel does not win. He loses his house and prays to God "please God let me win the lottery tomorrow or my family is going to leave me".
Tomorrow comes, Herschel does not win, and his family leaves him. Herschel, broken and distraught, screams at God "lord, I have lost my car, my house, and now my family! Why have you foresaken me?!"
God finally decides to pipe up, and a booming voice says from the heavens "Herschel, would you please meet me halfway and buy a lottery ticket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50k8kg/herschel_is_down_on_his_luck_and_flat_broke_after/
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In Her Own Words...

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!  Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  It's one of the best pistols in my collection!  Plus the amount I saved in Lawyer's fees was really incredible.  His insurance was the big bonus. I’m comfortable now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50k7c5/in_her_own_words/
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What do you call religious pasta?

Raviholy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50k5g7/what_do_you_call_religious_pasta/
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A spice belt for chefs

Might be a waist of thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50k52p/a_spice_belt_for_chefs/
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A priest is taking confessions...

in the confession booth, and he desperately needs to take a bathroom break, however the queue outside the booth of confessing sinners is building and he really doesn't want to delay any further.
Thankfully, with him is a young deacon in training, so the priest whispers to him,
"listen, I need you to take over a few of these confessions for me while I duck off to the bathroom, I'll only be gone a few minutes."
"But father!" Says the deacon in a hushed panic,
"I don't know what to do! We haven't learned confessions in the seminary yet!"
"Don't worry, it's easy," replies the priest.
"just look here at this list on the wall. Whatever their sins are, just find it on the list and it will show the appropriate penance. The people confessing won't even see you from behind the screen anyway, you'll be fine. I'll be back soon."
So the first punter walks in to the booth and the nervous deacon opens the screen. The man confesses to be stealing money from his work. The deacon looks down the list, and sure enough finds "stealing - 2 hail Marys," gives him his penance and sends him on his way.
The second person walks in, a man claiming to have problems with anger, and that he struck his wife the other day.
The deacon looks down the list, and finds "hitting - 1 Our Father."
Tells the man to say 1 Our father as penance, and sends him on his way.
A woman then enters.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm married, but I gave a blowjob to another man."
The deacon scrolls down the list... blowjob... blowjob... no blowjob. He doesn't know what to do, it isn't on the list.
The deacon begins to panic, but luckily he then notices an altar boy is nearby, so he whispers to him.
"Pssst, listen I need to know something, what does father give for a blowjob?"
To which the altar boy replies;
"A snickers bar and a can of coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50k4v5/a_priest_is_taking_confessions/
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Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50k3tg/whats_the_hardest_part_about_eating_a_vegetable/
%
Two doctors are enjoying a hike.

On a particularly technical section of the trail, one of them slips on a wet rock, putting a gash into his thigh as he lands heavily on a branch that was laying in the path. "Oh jeez," says the other doctor, "let me help you! I'll just grab my tools from my bag, and we'll get that leg fixed right up!"
"No," says the fellow who slipped, "I can handle this. Just let me use your tools; I didn't think to bring mine."
As the tools are handed over, the other doctor sighs, "Alright, suture yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50k29q/two_doctors_are_enjoying_a_hike/
%
I used to be afraid of flying in planes

Until I tried it without one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50k0w6/i_used_to_be_afraid_of_flying_in_planes/
%
My girlfriend's dog died

so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She was livid. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50k0ng/my_girlfriends_dog_died/
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Timing is Key

During the Japanese Occupation Mike, Sam and Ben were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.
That night, Mike came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.
The next morning, Mike was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete,  shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Mike made his escape.
Later, the soldiers took Sam out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Sam shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Sam made his escape.
After observing all this, ben began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."
Soon, it was Ben's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ben kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."
"Timing," Ben thought to himself
"Aim..."
"Okay," thought Ben, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50jzr7/timing_is_key/
%
A man goes into the doctors office to get a physical...

...The doctor says, "Sir, you need to stop masturbating."
The man replies, "why?"
"Because I'm trying to give you a physical!" Barked the doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50jzgg/a_man_goes_into_the_doctors_office_to_get_a/
%
I just swept a girl off her feet.

I'm quite an aggressive janitor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50jw99/i_just_swept_a_girl_off_her_feet/
%
My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony

I was born ready.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50jtgk/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_was_ready_to_go_to_the/
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People always ask me why I quit my job as a can crusher...

Well it was just soda-pressing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50jpyz/people_always_ask_me_why_i_quit_my_job_as_a_can/
%
My neighbor came pounding on my front door at 2am last night

lucky for him, I was up practicing my bag pipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50joqx/my_neighbor_came_pounding_on_my_front_door_at_2am/
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Why did Al Gore get a nipple ring?

Cuz he heard Bush got a Dick Cheney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50jnkv/why_did_al_gore_get_a_nipple_ring/
%
What's cooler than being cool?

Being 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50jeuw/whats_cooler_than_being_cool/
%
Two police officers crash their car into a tree.

After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50jdmo/two_police_officers_crash_their_car_into_a_tree/
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A man and woman meet through a sneeze

A man sees a woman sitting alone at a bar.
He starts to walk over when she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he instinctively snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back into place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you." He agrees.
The woman is charming, stunningly pretty, and he realizes they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most wonderful woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy?"
"No," she answers. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50jdb5/a_man_and_woman_meet_through_a_sneeze/
%
How do you annoy a computer person with a problem?

Never mind, I figured it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50jaw9/how_do_you_annoy_a_computer_person_with_a_problem/
%
How many non-binary gender-fluent people does it take to change an LED lightbulb?

DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY LIGHTBULB?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ja14/how_many_nonbinary_genderfluent_people_does_it/
%
What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

Lukewarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50j92k/what_is_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
%
I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was HIV+

The hardest part is always having to act surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50j8su/i_got_a_call_from_my_ex_crying_and_telling_me_she/
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Why can Severus Snape never become a gardener

His lilies always die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50j6ei/why_can_severus_snape_never_become_a_gardener/
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What do dark jokes and food have in common?

Not everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50j2f5/what_do_dark_jokes_and_food_have_in_common/
%
I opened the door to find my friend masturbating. He yelled "Close the door!"

So I yelled, "Get inside!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50j0pg/i_opened_the_door_to_find_my_friend_masturbating/
%
Three old ladies

are sitting on a park bench when some guys runs up and flashes them!!
2 of the old ladies had a stroke. The other one couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50j0f1/three_old_ladies/
%
What's the difference between America and Europe?

In America, we call our inbred hillbillies.
In Europe, they call them royals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ivhw/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_europe/
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The neighbor's rabbit

A man is in his kitchen, looking out to his back yard. He sees his dog out there with the neighbor's rabbit in the dog's mouth! Not wanting any trouble with his neighbor, the man runs out and retrieves the dead and bloody rabbit from the dog's clutches. Feeling awful, he brings it inside, washes and blow-dry's the rabbit to wait until dark and sneak it back into the his neighbor's back-yard rabbit cage. Success!
After two quiet weeks go by he sees the neighbor out in his front yard watering his flowers. "Hiya neighbor! How ya doing?". "Well hello there! Good. Good thanks." A few moments pass, and the man, riddled with guilt can't help himself but ask,"Say... how's that rabbit of yours?". The neighbor replies, "... it's funny about that rabbit... It died a month ago and I buried it, then two weeks ago I noticed it's back in that cage again!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50iu5f/the_neighbors_rabbit/
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There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off how many are left?

499.
What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put an elephant in, close fridge.
What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
The giraffe because he's stuck in the
fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely, how?
The alligators are all at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50isxt/there_are_500_bricks_on_a_plane_one_falls_off_how/
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A married couple enjoys S&M

One friend tells another, "My wife and I are into S&M now and the sex is better than it's ever been."
"Really," his long time friend asked. You're into that?”
"Yeah. She snores and I masturbate.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50iq9b/a_married_couple_enjoys_sm/
%
I like my women like

a microwave. She is hot and kills all the babies i put inside her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50inak/i_like_my_women_like/
%
DeeDee and DooDaa

were best friends who loved to fish. One day while they were fishing, DooDaa fell in the lake and drowned. Frantic, DeeDee ran to the sheriff's office. He tried to explain what happened but DeeDee stuttered really badly.
Finally the sheriff says "just show me deedee." They get to the lake and get doodaa's body out of the water and the sheriff says somebody will need to tell his wife.
Being doodaa's best friend, DeeDee volunteers. He gets to the house and again just can't get the words out to tell the wife what happened due to his stutter. The wife eventually says "just sing it deedee, you never stutter when you sing." So DeeDee starts singing:
"Guess who drowned in the lake today, Doodaa, doodaa, guess who drowned in the lake today, oh DooDaa did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50imlf/deedee_and_doodaa/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50imi2/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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What does a girl say to a guy when she sees his huge dick?

Im not sure either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ilak/what_does_a_girl_say_to_a_guy_when_she_sees_his/
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What's the difference between a hook and a hooker?

You can unscrew a hook, but you can't unscrew a hooker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50il3d/whats_the_difference_between_a_hook_and_a_hooker/
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Did you hear about the guy who got his left side cut off?

He's alright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ikr2/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_his_left_side/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ikoc/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ij3o/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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FIRST TIME SEX

My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move.  She: "What are you doing?"  Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ii55/first_time_sex/
%
What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

Americans can't milk a cow for 15 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ifhw/whats_the_difference_between_911_and_a_cow/
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Little Johnny was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention...

and the teacher kept noticing it and went back there to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he just had recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office and to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did that and returned to the classroom, where he sat back in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went to investigate, only to find Little Johnny sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she screamed.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out til noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ife1/little_johnny_was_squirming_around_scratching_his/
%
Five reasons not to use an electric toilet

Number two will shock you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50idqn/five_reasons_not_to_use_an_electric_toilet/
%
What's the best and worse thing that your wife can possibly tell you?

You have the biggest dick in the entire neighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ianr/whats_the_best_and_worse_thing_that_your_wife_can/
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One night a man walks into a bar looking sad

. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50i8we/one_night_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_sad/
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There was once a very unlucky man

Crossing the road , he got hit by a truck .
Then on his way to heaven , got hit by a plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50i7zm/there_was_once_a_very_unlucky_man/
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Sign at a Brothel

A sign post at a brothel reads
'DON'T DIE A VIRGIN, THERE ARE TERRORISTS WAITING FOR YOU UP THERE'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50i3pg/sign_at_a_brothel/
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Irony.

The other day my friend was telling me that I didn't understand what irony was.
Which is ironic because we were in a restaurant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50i2tb/irony/
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What's the best part of having sex with a transvestite?

Reaching around and imaging you are poking through
Old guy at work told me that hahaha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50i25y/whats_the_best_part_of_having_sex_with_a/
%
When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hyoi/when_i_was_younger_i_always_felt_like_i_was_a_man/
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Did you hear what happened to Lithium?

He was arrested for battery charges. Some say he's bi-polar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hx8w/did_you_hear_what_happened_to_lithium/
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What did the O say to the Q?

0:- " Dude your dick is hanging out "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hwmn/what_did_the_o_say_to_the_q/
%
The difference between BLM and the KKK?

Honestly, it's black and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hvww/the_difference_between_blm_and_the_kkk/
%
Girls call me a wizard

Because it's magic what I do with 3 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hv2w/girls_call_me_a_wizard/
%
Why would Donald Trump want to lose the election?

Winning means he'd need to live in a smaller house in a black neighborhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hu9p/why_would_donald_trump_want_to_lose_the_election/
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Bubba had shingles.

Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50htqd/bubba_had_shingles/
%
We have 20 people coming over to our house today, so my wife made me clean all week

She's terrified someone will find out people live here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hs9i/we_have_20_people_coming_over_to_our_house_today/
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A man walks in his bedroom with a pig...

under his arm. He says:
"I fucked this she-swine for 10 years"
His wife, shocked, yells:
"What?"
The man replies:
"Shut up, I was talking to the pig."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hrf7/a_man_walks_in_his_bedroom_with_a_pig/
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[job interview]

"Tell me one of your weaknesses"
I can be very stubborn
"Will you please elaborate?"
I will not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hr8m/job_interview/
%
A man asks god...

Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?" God:"So you would love her." Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?" God:"So she would love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hqnp/a_man_asks_god/
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I thought reverse psychology was when..

you made your therapist cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hqmi/i_thought_reverse_psychology_was_when/
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Three guys are standing at the heaven's gate...

...God is coming to the entrance, yawning.
> "Sorry guys, we're closed."
One guy replies:
> "Wait, what? But we're dead!"
God replies:
> "Doesn't matter. You know what? If you can tell me a funny story of how you died, I'll let you in."
The first guy starts narrating:
>"Well, for me it was like this. I'm an attorney and I work every night until 8 p.m. Now, last night I came home at 7 p.m. already to surprise my wife and we're living on the 8th floor of a high building. When I came into the room, she was sitting naked on the bed which she never did for me. I searched the whole apartment but couldn't find anyone, but still then, I was pissed. So I went on the balcony to smoke a cigarette where I saw someone hanging on the railing. I took off my shoe and started hitting on his fingers. He fell down but fell into a tree and survived. Because I had a fridge on the balcony, I threw it down to hit the guy but the power cable wrapped around my foot and now I'm here."
God replies:
>"Wow, awesome story. I like it, please, come in!" turns around facing the second guy and asks: "And what about you?"
The second guy starts explaining:
>"You know, I'm a window cleaner. So after I cleaned some windows of the 9th floor of a building, I leaned back to look if everything was done well. I leaned a bit too much, fell over the railing but was just able to hold myself at a different railing of a balcony on the 8th floor. Suddenly, an asshole appeared and started hitting my fingers with his shoe. I fell down but into a tree and survived but then, of course, a fridge fell on me and now I'm here."
God replies:
>"Lol, please, enter." turns around and asks the last guy: "And what about you?"
The last guy starts talking:
>"Well, I don't even know how to explain. Well, I was sitting naked in a fridge when...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hqk6/three_guys_are_standing_at_the_heavens_gate/
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What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hpm2/whats_the_difference_between_john_wayne_and_jack/
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The first testicular guard, the "cup", was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means that it only took 100 years for men to figure out that their brain is also important.
Quit laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hpjv/the_first_testicular_guard_the_cup_was_used_in/
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Two girls are fighting for 1 man.

The man calls the police and explains the situation. The policeman asks him why is he calling? there is no problem in that, in which he replies with :
The ugly one is winning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hpaq/two_girls_are_fighting_for_1_man/
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A guy has a flat just outside of an insane asylum

He knows this and is nervous while changing the tire.
It doesn't help that one of the patients is watching him from the other side of the fence. The guy drops two of the lug nuts and can't find them. Starts to panic.
The patient speaks up: "Just tighten up the remaining two opposite from one another. Should last till you get to a gas station." The guy thinks about this, does so, and straightens up. "Pretty smart....uh, what are doing there ?" The patient replies "I'm here for being crazy, not being dumb."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hokd/a_guy_has_a_flat_just_outside_of_an_insane_asylum/
%
How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hni5/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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What's the difference between a hooker, your girlfriend, and your wife?

When you're having sex a hooker says "are you done yet?" Your girlfriend says "you're done already?" And your wife says "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."
a repost from a comment from /u/dannyfdo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hiup/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_your/
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I bought a universal remote the other day

and I thought to myself "Wow, this changes everything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hiu5/i_bought_a_universal_remote_the_other_day/
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Deer Camp

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50hftq/deer_camp/
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I believe all people are equal...

...whether they're black, Chinese or normal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50h9qj/i_believe_all_people_are_equal/
%
What do you call someone who take things literally

A kleptomaniac!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50h0is/what_do_you_call_someone_who_take_things_literally/
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Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To avoid being confused with feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gzxg/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
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Life is like a bicycle

A black will probably take it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gzo4/life_is_like_a_bicycle/
%
To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gyvt/to_the_woman_who_keeps_pounding_on_my_door_at/
%
Why does the Dalai Lama go to the bookies everyday?

Because he likes Tibet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gy3x/why_does_the_dalai_lama_go_to_the_bookies_everyday/
%
I overheard my wife singing in the shower.

"You should go on America's Got Talent," I told her.
"I can't sing," she replied.
I said, "Exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gxlw/i_overheard_my_wife_singing_in_the_shower/
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There was a young couple having sex in the pool.

I walked up to the lifeguard and said, "Aren't you going to do anything?"
He said, "I might have a wank if you leave me alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gx9b/there_was_a_young_couple_having_sex_in_the_pool/
%
If the angel Gabriel came from heaven

how was he so sure that Mary was pregnant?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gwmh/if_the_angel_gabriel_came_from_heaven/
%
What do you call a fake Flying Spaghetti Monster?

An impasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gvjz/what_do_you_call_a_fake_flying_spaghetti_monster/
%
My girlfriend has a fire crotch.

Or as it's scientifically known, "Chlamydia".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gv14/my_girlfriend_has_a_fire_crotch/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gt8c/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing

and delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gsgd/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and_a/
%
My wife drew her eyebrows on a bit too high.

When I told her, she looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gp40/my_wife_drew_her_eyebrows_on_a_bit_too_high/
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Paddy walks into a bar....

and orders his usual. As he's pouring out the Guiness, the bartender notices that Paddy looks distraught. Worried about his best customer, the bartender asks, "What's the matter, Paddy? You're looking glum".
Paddy responds with a sigh and sips his Guiness. After a minute, Paddy tells the bartender the source of his dispair. "I lost my best mate Mick today you see", says Paddy.
"Oh dear Paddy. If you don't mind me asking, how did it happen?" asked the bartender.
Paddy groaned in discontent.
"He got his finger caught in a wedding ring".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50goue/paddy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gjwf/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_playground/
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wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...
I work in a hammer factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gjc0/wifes_insisting_to_quit_job/
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Judas: C´mon Jesus we´re gonna be late for last supper

Jesus: The what??
Judas: The supper.. we´re gonna be late for supper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gimk/judas_cmon_jesus_were_gonna_be_late_for_last/
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit on the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gf6y/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_hit_on_the/
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"Dress for the job you want," they said.

Apparently pornstar wasn't a valid option.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gdh9/dress_for_the_job_you_want_they_said/
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Dating a virgin

One day as I was walking around in the mall, I crossed paths with a cute but very thick girl with a very pretty smile. I screwed up enough courage to smile at her and say hello. Apparently that was enough for her to take interest, and even though I wasn't that into her once the initial novelty wore off, we spent the next few months dating.
3 months later, it turns out that she's a virgin, and we still have not sealed the deal. This was fine with me, I was patient and respected her choices. At the end of one particularly memorable date, I pulled up in front of her house to drop her off and she leans over and kisses me before getting out of the car. I decided to go for broke and grabbed the back of her head, continuing the kiss a lot longer than usual. Things began to get hot and heavy and I could tell she was into it, but she was also incredibly nervous.
"I'm sorry Ender, I have to go, my grandmother's waiting for me inside."
"That's cool, can I meet her?"
"Ummmm, sure, I guess...."
So we go inside and introductions are made. We chat for a while and grandma tells me stories, like what Christmas was like in the 40's. I make Grandma laugh several times and she ends up adoring me, as most Grandmas do.
Finally it was time to go. I said goodnight, and it was then that she smiled at me, winked, and nodded her head towards the stairs. I was totally expecting to just head home as usual, but it looked like my charm lit a fire in her and the situation was about to change for the better!
We eventually make it up to her room, and while she was incredibly nervous, I finally got her completely naked and things really started getting wild at that point. I never expected it, but she was a complete animal! That night may have been the best sex of my life.
At one point she stops me and says "Maybe we should take a break."
"Why, is everything ok? Did I hurt you?"
"No it's not that, it's just that I think I hear my granddaughter crying downstairs, and I really don't want to deal with that again tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gc9g/dating_a_virgin/
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I shaved my head the other day...

At first I hated the look, but it's starting to grow on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50gaom/i_shaved_my_head_the_other_day/
%
How do you spot two bffs in prison

They finish each other's sentences

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ga5u/how_do_you_spot_two_bffs_in_prison/
%
Pretend Marriage

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I'm awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let's pretend that we're married.”
“Wow!…That's a great idea!”, he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied…. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50g3uq/pretend_marriage/
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What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with Vegetables?

Mrs Hawking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50fygo/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_pleasures_herself/
%
What's the worst part of being a cook in prison?

Having to toss everyone's salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50fxlw/whats_the_worst_part_of_being_a_cook_in_prison/
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What does the NFL season and the national anthem have in common?

Kaepernick is gonna sit through them both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50fv87/what_does_the_nfl_season_and_the_national_anthem/
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How do you troll an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask which period it's from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50fs1b/how_do_you_troll_an_archaeologist/
%
They say you are what you eat,

but I don't remember eating a massive disappointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50fruj/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
What's the difference between a penalty shot in basketball, and a tiny curly wig designed for a bug?

One is a free throw, and the other is a flea 'fro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50frkx/whats_the_difference_between_a_penalty_shot_in/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who became a monk?

One evening he was solving a trigonometric equation and then he saw a sine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50fqw9/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_became_a/
%
A lawyer had just undergone surgery

...and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50fmd2/a_lawyer_had_just_undergone_surgery/
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What do you call a fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?

The Codfather.
(⌐■_■)–︻╦╤─

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50fjqe/what_do_you_call_a_fish_that_makes_you_an_offer/
%
Why did the feminist's bakery go out of business?

She told people to stop patronizing her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50fgw2/why_did_the_feminists_bakery_go_out_of_business/
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My father always told me, he liked his women like he liked his sunglasses.

Sitting on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50fdqe/my_father_always_told_me_he_liked_his_women_like/
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A lion would never (Old joke)

A Lion would never cheat on its wife but a Tiger wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50fd9g/a_lion_would_never_old_joke/
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How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes a parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50fcp9/how_do_you_know_when_a_joke_becomes_a_dad_joke/
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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton set aside their differences to talk to a group of third graders...

So Hillary tells the students, "Today we are going to talk about the difference between a tragedy, a great loss, and an accident. Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"
A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out on the street after a ball and gets hit by a car?" Donald goes, "No, that would be an accident, can anyone else try?"
A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff?" And this time Hillary goes, "No, that would be a great loss. Anybody else want to try?"
So a boy sitting in the back raises his hand and says, "If you and Donald Trump were on a plane and it blew up." Donald goes, "Very good, but can you tell me why it would be a tragedy?"
The boy replies, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't have been a great loss"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50f9ke/donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton_set_aside_their/
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Dave and Dick walk into a bar

order beers and start complaining  about not having girl friends.
Dave asks Dick "You ever notice after you have sex with a woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and  you get all teary-eyed?"
Dick says, "Yeah, all the time."
Dave asked, "Why is that?"
Bartender says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray." do you want another round?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50f9ht/dave_and_dick_walk_into_a_bar/
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Woman: "I'm a sucker for a man in a suit and tie."

Man: "You had me at 'I'm a sucker'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50f7dz/woman_im_a_sucker_for_a_man_in_a_suit_and_tie/
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Two girls are sitting at a bar...

So these two girls are sitting at a bar, and a trucker walks up to them. He asks them if he can buy them each a drink. One of the girls turns around and says to him "Sorry we're lesbians." He then asks them what that means. "It means we like pussy" explained the girl. The trucker then turns to the bartender and says "Hey bartender, get us lesbians some drinks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50f5hq/two_girls_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
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Does anyone here know jokes about nitrogen monoxide?

NO? I don't either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50f2s4/does_anyone_here_know_jokes_about_nitrogen/
%
The Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50f173/the_confession/
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My Friend Really Changes Once she became a Vegetarian

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50eyz8/my_friend_really_changes_once_she_became_a/
%
A boy walks into a barber shop

...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ex1t/a_boy_walks_into_a_barber_shop/
%
Who proofread Hitler's speeches?

A grammar nazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50eunk/who_proofread_hitlers_speeches/
%
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes: *whack* "Dang!"
A bad skydiver goes: "Dang!" *whack*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50erti/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
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I'm dating an older woman. When i go down you know what it tastes like?

Depends...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50eq8e/im_dating_an_older_woman_when_i_go_down_you_know/
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I always used to ask my mom if I could lick the bowl...

... She'd always say "No! Just flush it like a normal person!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50eq7b/i_always_used_to_ask_my_mom_if_i_could_lick_the/
%
A guy's phone rings in the gym

A guy is pushing through his usual workout routine in the gym when the phone goes off.
"Hello?"
>"Hi honey! I just saw that dress I wanted -- it's on sale for only $2,000! We can save almost 900 dollars! Can we get it, pleeeease?"
"Sure honey, anything you want."
>"Oh my god, really? Thank you!!!! And the man at the Lexus dealership called and says he can give it to us for $90,000. What should I tell him?"
"Sure honey, sounds good. Make sure everything is included."
>"Wow you mean it?! You're the best! Oh, and one more thing! They called about the house again, they are asking for $400,000."
"Tell them $380,000 and see what they say."
>"Wow!! Okay!! Thank you sooooo much, I love you honey! I'll see you when I get home -- in our brand new Lexus~!"
"Sounds great. I love you too, honey. Talk to you later. Bye bye."
The man hangs up, finishes his set, and after a moment he stands up and says, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50emah/a_guys_phone_rings_in_the_gym/
%
Guy goes up to a woman at a bar

He flirts with her, makes small talk and she insists that she isn't going home with him. The guy says what if I offer you a million dollars to sleep with me, the woman never had million dollars in her life, she stops and considers the offer very seriously, the guy says wait what If I changed my offer, what IF i offer you a dollar to sleep with me? woman is aghast she says what kind of woman do yoou think I am> He says well we already figured that out. Now were just negotiating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50el0q/guy_goes_up_to_a_woman_at_a_bar/
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They’re building a restaurant on Mars now...

They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ekmm/theyre_building_a_restaurant_on_mars_now/
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The bully problem.

The kid comes home crying to his mommy.
"Mommy, some bad kids in school keep saying my head is big!".
Mom answers "next time it happens, run after them and give them some good punches!!!"
Next day, kiddo comes crying again. "Mommy, some bad kids in school called me big headed again!!". Enraged, mom asks "and did you run after them?"
And the kid responds, "yes, but they run into an alley!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ejiw/the_bully_problem/
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Give a man a fish he eats for a day...

Teach a man to fish, he sits out on the lake drinking beer all summer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ei6f/give_a_man_a_fish_he_eats_for_a_day/
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How is /r/jokes like the green movement?

Reuse and Recycle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ehna/how_is_rjokes_like_the_green_movement/
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Three explorers...

...were going through the Amazon forest, one American, one French and the last Portuguese. Suddenly, they were captured by a cannibal tribe.
Tied to woods in the middle of the village, they hear scared for the proposition made by the chief cannibal.
"Each of you can make any wish. If I can't make it happen, I free you. If I can make it happen, we'll peel your skin to make a canoe."
There went the American. "I want the Statue of Liberty!!!"
With his magical staff, the chief materializes the monument in the middle of the forest. Then, he commands the american to have his skin peeled to make a canoe.
It was time for the French's wish. He says "I want Eiffel Tower and Moulin Rouge girls dancing around!!"
Once again, with his magical staff, the chief makes the wish a reality and again command his minions to peel the french's skin to make a canoe.
At last, the Portuguese makes his wish. Surprisingly, he only asks for a fork. So simple task, the chief brings him a fork and hand him the object.
That's when the Portuguese starts to pierce his own skin while screams "Suck it motherfuckers!! Gonna make a canoe out of me? Fuck yourselves hahahah"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50efzp/three_explorers/
%
Three mothers see a psychologist

They've brought their kids with them. The psychologist says, "It looks like you all have obsessions, and you've named your children after them."
He says to the first mother, "You have an obsession with cars, which is why you named your daughter Mercedes"
He moves onto the second mom, "Your obsession is money. Your child's name is Penny, which reflects that."
Finally he turns to the third mother. "At first I was puzzled by your choice, but I realized it was so simple. Because another name for..."
She then stands up, bolts out of the room as fast as she could, "LET'S GO RICHARD WE'RE LEAVING!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50efuq/three_mothers_see_a_psychologist/
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Rumours suggest Usain Bolt has been cheating on his wife. I'm amazed she hasn't caught him.

Then I remembered that he can finish in 9.58 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50edmv/rumours_suggest_usain_bolt_has_been_cheating_on/
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What do you call a trio of Muslims?

The Three Mosqueteers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ec26/what_do_you_call_a_trio_of_muslims/
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What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

I can't make a vitamin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50e9tz/whats_the_difference_between_a_vitamin_and_a/
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A plane was going down

and there were 4 people aboard: The president, the smartest man in the world, an old man, and a little girl. However, there were only 3 parachutes. The president said, "I'm too important to die," and took a parachute and jumped. The smartest man in the world said, "other people will need my smarts," and he also jumped off. The old man said,"you can go, my life is almost over anyway." The girl said," no, we can both go. The smartest man in the world took my Dora backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50e93s/a_plane_was_going_down/
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What do you do if a blonde person throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50e8tu/what_do_you_do_if_a_blonde_person_throws_a/
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People in Sweden keep telling me how great it is living there...

But I think it's just Stockholm Syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50e7ff/people_in_sweden_keep_telling_me_how_great_it_is/
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An old couple driving are pulled over by a state trooper...

The state trooper asks the old woman, "do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
The old woman who could barely see over the steering wheel is hard at hearing and replies, "what?"
The husband sitting next to her says , "he said do you have any idea how fast you were going?" to which she replies, "no."
The state trooper then says to the old woman, "ma'am, I need to see your drivers license."
The old woman replies, "what?" To which her husband says, "he needs to see your drivers license". The old woman says ,"ok" and hands the trooper her license.
The trooper looks at the license and sees that she was from Macon Georgia. The trooper says, "I see you're from Macon, I used to date a woman from Macon back during the war. She was the worst damn lover I ever had".
The old woman who is hard at hearing says, "what?"
The husband leans over and says, "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50e3qi/an_old_couple_driving_are_pulled_over_by_a_state/
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A Carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50e1aq/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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I'm so tired of seeing cheesy puns on reddit all the time...

I swiss they would just stop already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50dz73/im_so_tired_of_seeing_cheesy_puns_on_reddit_all/
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What do the twin towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two and now it's too offensive to talk about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50dxt6/what_do_the_twin_towers_and_genders_have_in_common/
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I saw an advert that read: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”

I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50dwyx/i_saw_an_advert_that_read_television_for_sale_1/
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What's the difference between a cheeesburger and Reddit gold?

A cheeseburger can't feed your ego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50dvfm/whats_the_difference_between_a_cheeesburger_and/
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I made an app that tells you were people with dwarfism are at all times.

I can't be the only one thinking of the imp-locations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50dv0h/i_made_an_app_that_tells_you_were_people_with/
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What is a Canadian vampire's favourite drink?

Type Eh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50droe/what_is_a_canadian_vampires_favourite_drink/
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A blond is done with all the blond jokes.

So she makes a plan....
She sells her house, dyes her hair and packs her stuff in her small car. She heads in a random direction to find a place to start her new life as a brunette. After some time driving she finds herself in a hilly landscape. She is in unknown territory and decides it's time for her first smart act.
She sees some sheep and a herder in a field yonder and decides to crawl up a small hill and count the sheep. Being very careful not to be seen. After counting 3 times she heads down the hill and approaches the herder.
"Herder", she says. "If i guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?". The herder is a bit taken aback. He is not used to being approached in the middle of nowhere by a lovely lady. "Yes, if you guess how many sheep are in my flock. You can have one".
The girl says "261". The herder is shocked! "Wow, that is correct! Pick any one you like".
The girl picks one up and walks back to her car. Very pleased with herself. But just as she is about to close the trunk, the herder asks... "If i guess you real hair color... Can I have my dog back?"
(Not an native English speaker, so there may be typo's)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50do34/a_blond_is_done_with_all_the_blond_jokes/
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Mexico was pretty livid when Donald Trump announced his plan to build a wall along the southern border of the United States...

...But once it's erected and complete, I'm sure they'll manage to get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50dnmq/mexico_was_pretty_livid_when_donald_trump/
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Oh geez...

ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50dlec/oh_geez/
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Jesus is travelling the world

doing good deeds to the people. One day he stumbles upon an old bearded man who is crying.
Jesus asks him what's wrong.
-"I lost my child "-sobs the man
-"Worry not, old man, I am Jesus himself. I will help you find him. Just tell me what he looks like"
-"Well he has nails in his palms and feet"
Jesus' eyes widen and begin watering with tears
-"Father ?!"
-"Pinocchio ?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50dkoy/jesus_is_travelling_the_world/
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Parallel lines have so much in common...

It's a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50dins/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
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When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.

Classic rook-y mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50dhr3/when_i_first_started_playing_chess_i_thought_the/
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Nate the Snake joke Warning, unhealthily long

Tim was an adventurous man, and he had quite a bit of money. One afternoon during work, Tim decided that he wanted to go driving on the dunes in egypt. So that weekend, he booked tickets to Cairo and took a few extra days off work. When he arrived in Cairo he took a bus to a smaller village with less people and laxer laws and rented a car to drive on the dunes. He went out the first time at night around 11:30 because his flight came in late.
Tim had a marvelous time on the dunes: driving up and down them, going far too fast, and of course, drifting. He was at it all night and was having fun but the sky was getting brighter and he decided it was time to head home. As he started off towards the village the car suddenly sputtered and died and try as he might, Tim could not start it up again. Tim kept trying to start the car, he had extra gas so it wasn't that, what could it be?
Eventually Tim figured out the battery had died. This worried Tim slightly but he remembered the village was to the east so he figured he could walk. The car compass said the nose was pointing east so he took his water bottle from the car and started walking off in that direction. What Tim didn't know was that the compass wasn't accurate because the car had died so he ended up walking west instead of east. He walked for a few hours at which point he climbed to the top of a large dune to see if he could see the village. From the summit he looked and could only see the car several miles back where he came from and then nothing but desert for miles and miles around.
Tim decided it would be best to head back to the car and around mid day he made it back. He then decided it would be best to follow the car tracks. He followed and followed them along but ended up back at the car. Confused and frustrated, he thought how that could happen. He concluded that because he was doing donuts, he ended up following the wrong trail. He set out again determined to find the right one; an hour later he was back at the car. He tried one last time but the wind was covering the tire tracks with sand making traveling not possible and he was forced to return to the vehicle. Tim by this point was desperate. He decided his only option was to just pick a direction and hope for the best. He collected what little remained of his water and a bottle of wiper fluid he had in his car in case he needed fluids and picked a direction and started walking.
By the time Tim left the car it was pushing 6 o'clock. He walked and walked for several hours and ended up at the foot of a large sand dune. Tim decided that his best chance of survival was to climb the dune so he set out. About 45 feet up he was feeling the burn and pretty soon it became too steep to climb. Tim got on his hands and knees determined to climb the dune. About half way up he chugged the last of his water and continued to forge on. About 3/4ths of the way up he felt like he was dying of dehydration and decided that having some fluids in him was better than none and he could be cured of the poison back in the town, so Tim drank the wiper fluid. The fluids in him again had him feeling rejuvenated and he pushed to the top of the dune.
When he reached the top his head was spinning from the wiper fluid but he had made it! He crested the peak and looked out into the falling sun expecting to see the village. Unfortunately all he saw around him was desert. Disheartened he looked to going back down the dune when he noticed something, a smallish wooden and straw structure half buried in the sand. He started crawling down the dune toward the structure, now fully feeling the effects of the poison. He crawled into an opening in the structure and by this time he was barely conscious. Inside the structure was a golden colored lever. This confused Tim, and when he stood up to try and push it, his head started spinning something bad and he collapsed into unconsciousness.
Tim woke up to light coming through the cracks in the building and felt rejuvenated. He felt healthy. "How is this possible?" Tim thought to himself, "am I dead?" Tim started to sit up, those questions floating through his head when all of a sudden he was face to face with a snake. And much to Tim's astonishment, the snake began to speak. "Hello I am nate the snake" The snake said. Tim was confused and scared but he worked up the nerve to sputter out a few "whats" and "hows." The snake interrupted Tim's unintelligible babbling to say "Travelers usually don't find this place, and the ones that do get 2 wishes. I saw that you were poisoned, dehydrated, and dying so I granted a wish on your behalf allowing you to survive and stay healthy without a need for food and water." This made about as much sense as any explanation that Tim thought of so he accepted it. The next question that came to Tim's mind concerned the lever. Nate the Snake began to explain:
"The lever is a doomsday lever, in fact, this area used to be what you know as the garden of eden. This lever was supposed to destroy the world and all its inhabitants if the animals became corrupt or evil, since then humanity has spread all across the planet and we can't have the world ending now can we?"
Tim didn't quite buy it but the snake continued his story: "I am descendant of a generation of serpents supposed to guard this lever and make sure no travelers, such as yourself, wander across this lever and push it killing everybody."
By this point Tim was so confident he was hallucinating that he just went along with it. The snake asked if Tim had any questions:
"Ya so do you know where the village is?" Tim asked. Nate the Snake replied with a short "no" and continued to talk on about how Tim is the first person he'd seen in many many years, as it became more apparent that Tim didn't really care, Nate the Snake pointed out that Tim still had one wish. "Oh right!" Tim exclaimed and proceeded to ask Nate for an internal compass so that Tim would always know where he wanted to go. Suddenly, Tim knew the way to the village, it was about a days walk southeast of where the structure was. With that in mind, Tim thanked Nate and promised to visit again (still thinking he's hallucinating but at least he has a direction to go now) and he set out southeast to where he hoped the town was.
Tim stumbled into town later in the day convinced that he was just lucky and that the Nate the Snake encounter was a fever dream on account of the poison. He checked into a hospital and was given drugs to flush out the toxins but he was fine. He decided to cut his trip short on account of his odd adventure in the desert and he took a bus back to Cairo the next day then flew home. Tim continued his life where he left off, and he told all his friends about his ordeal in the desert, and he went on with his normal life for about 5 years.
Then one day Tim was going to go out to eat with is friends and something occurred to him: he hadn't eaten or drank anything in over a week, he'd just been too busy and didn't think of it. This puzzled Tim as he racked his brain to figure out why then suddenly the whole Nate the Snake encounter came flooding back to him. If he didn't need to eat or drink, that means the whole encounter much had actually happened! Tim became terrified then excited as he considered the possibilities of it then he remembered the promise he made to Nate to come back and visit him. He hastily bought a ticket to Cairo for the weekend and took a couple days off work. The flight was uneventful and he ended up in Cairo where he took a bus to the small village.
Tim didn't have the money to rent a car this time but since he didn't need to eat or drink he figured  he could just walk to Nate's domain. With his internal map pointing the way, Tim set off into the desert to the Northwest and walked for the rest of the afternoon and well into the night. By the time the sun was rising behind him, Tim walked over the final dune and saw the small wood and grass structure that housed the lever. When Tim was approaching the structure, Nate the Snake slithered out in front of him. "Tim!" Nate the Snake exclaimed, "I thought you'd forgot about me"
Tim felt blood rushing into his cheeks as he felt ashamed about forgetting, "Im sorry Nate, Ive just been so busy living my life and honestly, i chocked our whole meeting up to hallucinations due to the poison"
"Thats understandable" nate said "Thank you for coming back though it really means a lot to me, anyway I have someone to introduce you to."
As if on cue, a smaller snake slithered out.
"Tim" Nate continued, "This is my son Joe"
"Oh hi there" Tim said
"Now tim," Nate said, "I actually have a huge favor to ask you, my son, Joe, will take over my job when I die and be bound to guard the lever forever. I want you to take Joe with you and show him the world, I know this is a lot to ask but please, I want him to see the world before he's bound to the lever forever"
Tim was hesitant but he figured that Nate had saved his life, so he owed him that favor. So after the meeting, Tim and Joe trekked back across the desert to the village and back to Cairo. Nate quit his job and they spent the remainder of his money traveling the world. Tim and Joe travelled Asia first, then the americas and finally they went to europe. It was around the 5th month of the traveling and Tim and Joe ended up in a bar in Norway. Over some beers they were discussing their plans next and Joe spoke up saying that they had been gone for a while and that it might be time to go back.  Tim agreed that it was time and they flew out to Cairo a few days later.
They landed in Cairo and took the bus to the village and started walking the day and a half journey to Nate and Joe's home. After about 6 hours of walking, Tim and Joe came across a car half buried in the sand. Tim brushed off the sand and unburied it from the sand before climbing inside. After checking out the car and briefly looking at the engine, Tim concluded that it was in working order. Tim and Joe searched a little bit for a person to whom the car belonged but found nobody around, so they hot-wired the car and started driving to shave off many hours from their journey.
After a few hours of driving they were nearing the lever and started the last downhill section toward the lever. The car started picking up speed so Tim applied the break, and nothing happened. Tim started panicking and slamming the break but the car didn't slow down at all. "Whats wrong?" Joe asked with a tone of fear in his voice.
"The car's breaks or jammed it isn't working"
Tim and Joe both pushed on the breaks as hard as they could but nothing happened. They turned off the engine in desperation but the car kept sliding toward the structure, suddenly, Nate came out of the structure to the left facing away from the car but he couldn't hear because the engine was off. There was a flat area behind the structure so Tim figured if he just turned right he could roll to a stop.
Tim turned the wheel right but the car didn't shift at all because the tires were stuck in a groove. Tim kept trying to turn it but nothing was happening, he briefly by accident shifted the wheel left and the car moved. The car was going quickly toward the lever building and they had to make a move. Tim kept yelling "What do I do?" to Joe, he could either hit the building or move left and hit Nate because the car wouldn’t go right. Joe was rather quiet and then he looked Tim with tears in his and rested his tail upon the wheel and started pushing it to the left. Tim looked confused and scared as joe maneuvered the car so that it would hit Nate. Tim looked at Joe and asked, "Why?" and Joe looked back, crying now, and said:
Better Nate than lever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50dfu5/nate_the_snake_joke_warning_unhealthily_long/
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Strange trend at my office...

People are naming food in the break room refrigerator.  Today I ate a sandwich named "Kevin".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50dau0/strange_trend_at_my_office/
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How many sexual orientations does a physicist have?

Six: Up, Down, Strange, Charm, Top and Bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50d67t/how_many_sexual_orientations_does_a_physicist_have/
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I like my women how I like my coffee.

Without a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50d508/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50d3z6/why_did_star_wars_episodes_4_5_and_6_come_before/
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Man Bun? or Douche Knot?

neither, it's a fairy tail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50cymm/man_bun_or_douche_knot/
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Where does one drown a hipster?

In the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50csni/where_does_one_drown_a_hipster/
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32 Days

A bartender was working at his bar, when in walks 3 blondes. They seem very happy and excited. They are carrying a small picture and are chanting "32 days", "32 days", "32 days". Obviously very please with themselves, they sit down and order a pitcher of Margareta, that the bartender brings them. After about 10 minutes another 5 blondes walk in and as soon as they see the first 3 they run over there, highfiving each other and chanting "32 days", "32 days", "32 days", followed by more cheering. At this point they order another pitcher of margareta. The bartender brings over another pitcher and takes a quick peek at the picture the first group brought in. Its a puzzle picture of the cookie monster. He is a bit confused and his curiosity gets the better of him and so he asked the nearest blonde what is going on? What is up with the picture and why are they chanting 32 days? The blonde tells him "you know how people think that blondes are dumb?". Bartender states "well I have heard this obviously, but hey I dont buy into that nonsense", and then he states "but what does that have to do with the picture and 32 days?" She tells him "that the picture is a puzzle of the cookie monster, and even though on the box it says clearly 3-5 years, their group finished it in 32 days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50cs6k/32_days/
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A man walks into doctor's office with a duck attached to his head.

"Oh my god!" - exclaims the doctors in surprise - "How did this happen?".
- "I'm not sure exactly, but it all started a few month ago with a small growth on my foot" - replies the duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50crf2/a_man_walks_into_doctors_office_with_a_duck/
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Why was Yoda afraid of 9?

Because 10 9 8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50coqb/why_was_yoda_afraid_of_9/
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What does 'J' stand for in Donald J Trump?

'Genius'
(This joke was stolen from CharlieDarwin2)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50clky/what_does_j_stand_for_in_donald_j_trump/
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I had sex with a chicken last night.

It turns out the chicken came first, after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50cj91/i_had_sex_with_a_chicken_last_night/
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Where do man-splainers get their water?

From a well, actually...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50cirn/where_do_mansplainers_get_their_water/
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Three Businessmen are on a plane

The first one turns to the other two and says "My wife and I hate these long business trips, but at least we got to have sex 3 times last night before I had to go to the airport."
"Just 3?" Replied the 2nd man.  "I made love to my girlfriend 5 times."  Turning to the 3rd man he asks "And you?"
"I only made love to my wife once last night." the 3rd guy replied.
"Just once?  That's it? Geez.  What did your wife say in the morning?"
"Don't stop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50chku/three_businessmen_are_on_a_plane/
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A woman goes to get a tattoo

The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey.
Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos
The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ch8o/a_woman_goes_to_get_a_tattoo/
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Pablo Picasso, Albert Einstein, and Donald trump arrive in heaven.

Saint Peter tells them that if they can prove that they really are who they say they are, they can go in. Picasso starts painting immediately, creating a master piece. Saint Peter thanks him and lets him in. He then turns to Einstein, who explains the theory of general relativity to him. Saint Peter thanks him and lets him in. He then turns to Trump, who is looking bemused, and tells him “If you can prove who you are, I will let you in, just like Picasso and Einstein.” Trumps answers “Who the hell are Picasso and Einstein?”, and Saint Peter says: “Thank you Donald, you can go in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50cdmb/pablo_picasso_albert_einstein_and_donald_trump/
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Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we killed the only one who had a dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ccyc/why_do_black_people_only_have_nightmares/
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A drunk is walking down the street...

A drunk is walking down the street when he sees a nun walking on the other side of the street. So he carefully crosses the road and walks straight up to her and kicks her in her crotch. He then proceeds to rain punches on her face. Before she really knows what is going on he pulls her back up and knocks her out with a vicious head butt.
Standing over her bleeding broken body he dusts off his hands and gloats "You're not so fuckin' tough tonight are you batman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50cc6k/a_drunk_is_walking_down_the_street/
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What’s the difference between a goat and a kid?

My neighbour isn’t unknowingly raising my goats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50cb5g/whats_the_difference_between_a_goat_and_a_kid/
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Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and Donald Trump go to heaven.

They are called before God’s throne. “Who are you, and what good did you do on earth?”, God asks Reagan. “I am Ronald Reagan, oh Lord, and I won the Cold War”, Reagan answers. “Very well”, God says, “Take the seat to my right.” He then turns to Clinton and asks him the same question. “I am Bill Clinton, oh Lord, and I balanced the budget”, Clinton answers. “Very well”, God says, “Take the seat to my left.” He then turns to Trump but before he can ask him anything, Trump says: “I am Donald Trump and I think you are sitting in my seat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50cap5/ronald_reagan_bill_clinton_and_donald_trump_go_to/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

His wife is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50c1cn/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_bottles/
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2 days ago I named my Wifi to "Hack it if u can"...

..yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50c0im/2_days_ago_i_named_my_wifi_to_hack_it_if_u_can/
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5 People on a crashing plane and only 4 parachutes

The smartest person on earth
The most athletic person on earth
The wisest person on earth
The pilot and a mailman
The pilot said "I drove this plane so I should get one" then he jumps of with the parachute
The most athletic person on earth said "I'm the most athletic person on earth and people need athletic people so I should get a parachute" so he gets one and jumps out
The smartest person on earth said "I'm the smartest person on earth and people need smart people so I should get a parachute" then he jumps out.
2 people left the wisest person on earth and a mailman. The wise person said "I lived a good life you may take the parachute"
But the mailman replied with "no it's okay we can both go because the smartest person on earth just jumped off a plane with my backpack"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50c0fk/5_people_on_a_crashing_plane_and_only_4_parachutes/
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I told my dad that I was having trouble getting all my homework done...

So he told me, "if you wait til the last minute, it'll only take a minute"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50bzsx/i_told_my_dad_that_i_was_having_trouble_getting/
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The Queen's Surprise

The Queen of England is taking a tour of one of America's best hospitals. They are going through different areas, and occasionally meeting with some of the patients.
They walk into a room, and inside, a patient is intensely masturbating.
The Queen is shocked. "My heavens, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor explains, "I'm sorry your majesty. This patient has a serious medical condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't relieve the pressure several times per day, his testicles will explode, and he'll die."
Embarrassed, the queen apologies for her reaction, and they continue on with the tour.
A little later, they enter another patients room. Inside, she see a nurse giving a patient a blow job. The Queen is outraged.
"By heavens, what on earth is going on here?"
The doctor says, "Your majesty, this patient has the same condition as the previous man. But he has a much better health care plan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50by81/the_queens_surprise/
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There were two old men sitting on a park bench

...passing the day away talking.
One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"
The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"
"What do you mean you THINK she is dead?" asked the first man.
"Well..." explained the second man, "the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50bwy2/there_were_two_old_men_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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What is the worst thing you want to hear from a doctor giving you a prostate exam?

"Look ma, no hands!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50bwru/what_is_the_worst_thing_you_want_to_hear_from_a/
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The deeply religious Jim and Joan are freshly married

As they begin to consummate their marriage, Jim moves straight for anal. Joan stops him "No, that's not the right hole."
"How would you know?" Asks Jim
"I was late after choir practice one day, and Father Henry and I talked about the sins of the flesh. Then he showed me how it was done so I could stay away from it and be wise and virtuous."
"Well that's weird." says Jim. "When we had that discussion, Father Henry put it in my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50bszn/the_deeply_religious_jim_and_joan_are_freshly/
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A ghost says to his ghostfriend..

"I don't think I'm gonna enter the next ghost-race.."
"Why not?" Asked the ghost-friend.
"Because I've lost every other one!" He cries sullenly.
"I believe in you, so enter the next ghost-race!"
"..Yeah. Yeah! I **can** do this!" Cried the ghost, filled with motivation.
Smug, the ghost friend said;
"That's the spirit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50bs76/a_ghost_says_to_his_ghostfriend/
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The Orange Head Joke

It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.
The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.
The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.
"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistible to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"
So the man told his story.
"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.
"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.
"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.
The bartender, amazed, couldn't hold in his excitement any longer "And the last wish?" he asked.
"I asked to have an orange for a head, obviously."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50bqxk/the_orange_head_joke/
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Old man and his wife go to the doctor because the wife's hearing is failing.

The doctor asks the wife "How are you feeling lately." The woman can't hear a thing so the husband shouts. "He wants to know if you feel okay!" She nods and he looks back at his clipboard. "Have you been eating well, resting and exercising?" The husband shouts and repeats "He wants to know if you're taking good care of yourself!" The woman nods again and the doctor scribbles on his form. Finally the doctors asks "How many sexual partners have you had since your last check up?" The man looks at his wife and says "He thinks he knows ya!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50bl7s/old_man_and_his_wife_go_to_the_doctor_because_the/
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Why can't Saudi woman drive?

There's no road from the kitchen to the bedroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50bjtd/why_cant_saudi_woman_drive/
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Three women sat discussing their husbands and their sex lives

"My husband's a wrestler," said the first. "He's really strong and aggressive in bed."
"My husband's an artist," said the second. "He's really gentle and sensitive."
"My husband's an IBM salesman," said the third. "He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50bhcc/three_women_sat_discussing_their_husbands_and/
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50bgqd/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college proffesor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.

The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50bglu/til_the_host_of_dirty_jobs_is_now_a_college/
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Sometimes me and my brothers used to mess with grandpa.

Once we asked him if he knew what a sex tape was.
He nodded thoughtfully. 'Sex tapes? Sure, we have those, but your grandmother prefers cuffs.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50bfu7/sometimes_me_and_my_brothers_used_to_mess_with/
%
What do you do when you see a space man?

You park, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50bbui/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_space_man/
%
What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50b7zc/what_did_the_fisherman_say_to_the_magician/
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A blonde finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on a plane..

A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts.
The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $50
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50b5ex/a_blonde_finds_herself_sitting_next_to_a_lawyer/
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What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin, get in the Batmobile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50b3vn/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
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A guy was nailing his interview

when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50b1w5/a_guy_was_nailing_his_interview/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50b07k/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A Priest and a Rabbi.

A limerick for ya...
&nbsp;
_A prep school had come into view..._
_"Yo Rabbi," a Priest said, "woo-hoo!_
_Let's lure them with toys,_
_And then screw little boys"._
_"Out of what?" - the response of the Jew_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50azsy/a_priest_and_a_rabbi/
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If you show me a piano falling down a mine shaft...

I'll show you Aflat minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50azrg/if_you_show_me_a_piano_falling_down_a_mine_shaft/
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I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup.

I'm going to have the best vowel movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50axr8/i_just_ate_4_cans_of_alphabet_soup/
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I lost my job. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me

Why? What did he say?
"you're fired"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50awn7/i_lost_my_job_i_couldnt_work_for_that_man_after/
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How many pretty girls are there at a monastery?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50aw5t/how_many_pretty_girls_are_there_at_a_monastery/
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I've always thought that the phrases 'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' meant the same thing

Until I went to a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50aw26/ive_always_thought_that_the_phrases_im_sorry_and/
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What will Gene Wilder's last will and testament will say?

YOU GET NOTHING!
Yeah I'm going to hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50aul5/what_will_gene_wilders_last_will_and_testament/
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Why does Mike Tyson refuse to buy playstation ?

Because he is an x-boxer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ar7i/why_does_mike_tyson_refuse_to_buy_playstation/
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A man orders a coke at a bar

Every Saturday for the last 10 years a man goes into a bar and says "I can't don't like alcohol, can I just get coke?" The bartender obliges then asks the man, "Hey, let me make you just one drink to try, I know you'll like it. It's just rum and coke."
After being heckled the man responds, "Fine, but only if you put it in a black shot glass and serve it with my regular coke." The bartender gives a confused look but obliges. While about to add the coke to the rum, the man adds, "Surprise me with the amount of coke you put in it."
The bartender decided to play a trick on this regular and give him a straight shot of rum along with his coke. He hands it to the man in the black shot glass and the man downs it with an initial look of panic as he grabs his coke.
Satisfied, man says "Thank you. I'm a cop, I can only take a shot if it's black and I know I can add coke to it afterwards."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50aq73/a_man_orders_a_coke_at_a_bar/
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The mermaid joke

The guy that has only one testicle was swimming in the pond and all of a sudden someone grabs him from his testicle. He looks down and sees a mermaid is holding his ball.
Then mermaid asks:
plus 1 or minus 1?
The shocked and scared guy says:
plus 1.
Tge mermaid lets him go and swims away. The guy comes out of the water and realizes he has 2 balls!
He goes and tells the story to his friends. One of his friends has 2 missing fingers, so he desides to go to the pond the next morning and try his luck.
He is swimming in the pond and all of a sudden someone grabs him from his testicles. He looks down and sees a mermaid is holding his balls.
Then mermaid asks:
plus 2 or minus 2?
The happy guy responds:
Plus 2!
After coming out of the water he realizes that he has 4 testicles!
He doesn't know what to do and after spending the whole night thinking comes up with a plan of going back the next morning and just answering minus 2 this time.
So he's swimming in the pond and all of a sudden the mermaid grabs him by his balls and asks:
plus 4 or minus 4?
Edited: grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50aq57/the_mermaid_joke/
%
Starting chatting to a 14 year old girl online...

Started chatting to a super sexy and flirty 14 year old girl online, and she just told me she's an undercover cop....
How fucking cool is that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50aq32/starting_chatting_to_a_14_year_old_girl_online/
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Hillary Clinton walks into a bar...

Hillary Clinton walks into a bar with a pig on a leash.
The bartender looks at them and says "You can't bring that cow in here!"
Hillary replies, "It's a pig, not a cow."
The bartender says "I was talking to the pig."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50aol7/hillary_clinton_walks_into_a_bar/
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A plane was going down

You have the pope, a priest, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The priest responds "Do you think we have time?" "Edit" i made this joke at 4am so chill about the grammar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50an6i/a_plane_was_going_down/
%
I could hear the neighbours going for it all night last night due to the banging on the wall.

As it turns out, the wife's mother was staying with them and had fallen, breaking her hip. The banging was her trying to signal for help.
Guiltiest wank I've ever had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50an0g/i_could_hear_the_neighbours_going_for_it_all/
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A company is holding job interviews for a position of Financial Analyst

3 people apply: A blonde, a jew and a mathematician.
The blonde enters, the interviewer asks her: What is 2 + 2 ? The blonde thinks for 10 minutes, answeres 5.
The jew enters, receives the same question, answeres: What do you want it to make ?
The mathematician enters, receives the same question, answers promptly: 4.
So, after careful deliberation, who got the job ?
The nephew of the CEO.
//Joke was told to be my my grandfather, who lived in the communist era of Romania//

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50akyh/a_company_is_holding_job_interviews_for_a/
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Two deer hunters

hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer. “The plane won’t carry six deer, you’ll have to leave two of them,” said the pilot. Unwilling to leave their deer, the hunters said “We got six on the plane last year.” The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, “Any idea where we are?” The second hunter said, “Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50akv4/two_deer_hunters/
%
Doctor: It looks like you're pregnant

Woman: I'm pregnant?
Doctor: No it just looks like you are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50aknf/doctor_it_looks_like_youre_pregnant/
%
My computer crashed.

Now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50ah3h/my_computer_crashed/
%
So if Lucy died 3.2 million years ago after falling from a tree...

...does that qualify her for a Darwin award?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50aaqw/so_if_lucy_died_32_million_years_ago_after/
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My penis is only two inches

From the floor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50a9i4/my_penis_is_only_two_inches/
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9 out of 10 Americans agree

...that out of 10 Americans, one American will always disagree with the other nine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50a942/9_out_of_10_americans_agree/
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The annual physical

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," he replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50a8k5/the_annual_physical/
%
What did Spock find in the toilet of the USS Enterprise?

**The Captain's log.**
-
Bonus Trekkie Joke:
*Why is Star Trek like the toilet paper in there?*
... because it keeps searching Uranus for Klingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50a72m/what_did_spock_find_in_the_toilet_of_the_uss/
%
Three blondes are hiking in Scotland

They set out early afternoon on a sunny Thursday morning in the middle of July. The three girls are kitted out with the best equipment that money can buy and have got their route from Stirling to Callander planned perfectly. After an hour or so of walking one of the blondes comes across some tracks in a field. She claims them to be rabbit tracks, while a second blonde says they must be deer tracks cause they are far to big.
Upon hearing this the third blonde turns pasty white. Maybe these are haggis tracks! The three of them agree to follow the tracks until the find out what left them there.
After another hour or so all the girls were hit by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50a70l/three_blondes_are_hiking_in_scotland/
%
A black man walks into a bar...

A black man walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.
"That is really special," said the bartender. "Where did you get it?"
"Africa," replied the parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50a65c/a_black_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If one more person asks me to do a summersault....

.......I swear I'm going to flip!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50a4ni/if_one_more_person_asks_me_to_do_a_summersault/
%
Value of a season ticket!

A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said A her husband,
'Look at this, dear. There's an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn't do a thing like that,-would you?'
'Of course I wouldn't!' replied her husband. 'The season's almost over!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50a4gq/value_of_a_season_ticket/
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Chinese torture

A young man is wandering and lost in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door, he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the young man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old, and entered the house.
During dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night, he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet, so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought."If that's the best the old man can do, then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window, and threw the boulder out.
As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted towards the ground, he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50a2tf/chinese_torture/
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Only when a mosquito lands on your balls do you realize

That violence is not always the option

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50a28x/only_when_a_mosquito_lands_on_your_balls_do_you/
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Two scientists walk into a bar...

...The first one says:
"I'll have some H2O"
The second one says:
"I'll have some water too"
The first scientist got angry because his assassination attempt failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/509yg4/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A guy had an erectile dysfunction and went to the doctor...

... the doctor gave him a little pill and told him:
"Take this the next time you drink a coffee with your wife nearby."
Four days later the man again visits his doc:
"Doc this didn't work out. I did like you told me. Coffee with wife, take the pill! I immediately noticed the effect and teared my shirt off. I laid my wife on the table and we had the best sex of our life."
Doc:"So what is the problem?"
Man:"We can never go to that McDonalds again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/509x5x/a_guy_had_an_erectile_dysfunction_and_went_to_the/
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My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.

She needs to lighten up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/509tfk/my_girlfriend_hates_when_i_make_jokes_about_her/
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Interviewer: Name one of your accomplishments

Applicant:Well I discovered aliens, outside my house and managed to learn their language.
Interviewer:That seems rather complicated...
Applicant:Well Spanish isn't hard to learn sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/509ql4/interviewer_name_one_of_your_accomplishments/
%
What'd the scientist say to the man who was frozen to absolute zero?

Are you 0K?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/509oyv/whatd_the_scientist_say_to_the_man_who_was_frozen/
%
I couldn't figure out how my seatbelt worked.

But then it clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/509ow7/i_couldnt_figure_out_how_my_seatbelt_worked/
%
A man walks into a bar...

And is disqualified from the Limbo tournament

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/509mmt/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call it, when a German sleeps with two women, but impregnates three?

Fucking efficient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/509m92/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_german_sleeps_with_two/
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What do you get when you win a theological debate with a muslim?

Death threats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/509jn2/what_do_you_get_when_you_win_a_theological_debate/
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I said "Hi" to a feminist.

The trial is scheduled for tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/509gsv/i_said_hi_to_a_feminist/
%
Dave cannot make his wife cum, so he goes to the doctor for some advice...

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get some air-con"
"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"
"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"
"Yeah, I've got a mate Mick"
"Well, ask your mate Mick to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Dave asks Mick for this favour, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Mick fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.
Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Mick, who is now shagging Dave's mrs. Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"
Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Mick?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/509ghx/dave_cannot_make_his_wife_cum_so_he_goes_to_the/
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why cant Paul Walker use tumblr?

He only sticks to the dashboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/509fbs/why_cant_paul_walker_use_tumblr/
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What does a waffle call his complete existential paradigm shift?

His eggo death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/509c0b/what_does_a_waffle_call_his_complete_existential/
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Knock, Knock...

The creator of the Knock Knock joke should get a Nobel Prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5098iy/knock_knock/
%
There was a Political Drum-Off last week, sponsored by the mathletes...

Democrats and Republicans took turns showing off their best drum licks, while answering math problems in between.
Turns out the Republicans lost. They couldn't handle Al Gore rhythms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5097zh/there_was_a_political_drumoff_last_week_sponsored/
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I like my beef how I like my misbehaving teenagers...

Grounded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5095dm/i_like_my_beef_how_i_like_my_misbehaving_teenagers/
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What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5094vt/whats_with_girls_having_weird_names_nowadays/
%
A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder...

He orders a drink, and the monkey starts wondering around the bar, touching and sniffing all the things. Eventually it picks up a pool ball, looks at it for a bit and swallows it!
The bartender sees it and disturbingly tells the man - "your monkey just swallowed a whole billiards ball"! The man waves it off saying "yeah, the stupid animal, eats everything...". He pays for his drink and the ball and leaves.
Next week the man comes in again, with the same monkey, orders a drink and the monkey starts wondering around the bar. It picks up a cherry, looks at it, sniffs it, then shoves it up his butt, takes it out and swallows it! The bartender is even more shocked - "your monkey just put a cherry up his ass and ate it!" - he exclaims. The man answers:
- Yeah, the stupid monkey, still eats everything, but now always measures it up first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5092b2/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_monkey_on_his/
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I used to hate the square root of -1

but then I realized I was just imagining things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508yea/i_used_to_hate_the_square_root_of_1/
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[Nsfw] A woman goes to her doctor...

"Doctor there are strange postage stamps in my vagina. I don't know what's going on!"
"Let me take a look" says the doctor as he examines the lady.
"Well mam. It seems that it isn't postage stamps.  It's just the stickers from your bananas"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508xoz/nsfw_a_woman_goes_to_her_doctor/
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What do you call a body with no nose?

Nobody knows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508xca/what_do_you_call_a_body_with_no_nose/
%
What's the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508wr6/whats_the_best_drug_to_have_sex_on/
%
I went to an Anti- Abortion rally...

Their slogan was "our movement is unstoppable, they will never defetus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508vxh/i_went_to_an_anti_abortion_rally/
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Jehova's witnesses don't celebrate halloween

I guess they just don't appreciate random people coming up and knocking on their doors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508v71/jehovas_witnesses_dont_celebrate_halloween/
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The Girlfriend Joke

So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself.
Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?"
And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel.
So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, *"Uh... No thanks, I'm good."*
"Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out."
So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this."
So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner."
So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick.
A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't  miss it."
So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "*Video Games*." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever.
So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream.
So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me."
I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well...alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow
So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again."
"Wait, what? Why not? What happened?"
"Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me."
"I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person"
"She told me, and I quote, that she is going to *fucking murder me*."
"I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow."
I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on.
So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up.
Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her.
Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE.
And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508unu/the_girlfriend_joke/
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A blonde woman dyes her hair red....

A blonde woman dyes her hair red because she's tired of the blonde jokes.  One day she stops by a farm and asks the farmer, "If I can count how many sheep you have, can I keep one?" The farmer reluctantly agrees. After some counting, the blonde woman says, "there is 124 sheep in your farm." Shocked, the farmer counts them. Sure enough, there are 124 sheep. The woman picks one up and takes it to her car. Right when she's about to leave, the farmer knocks on her window and asks,"Ma'am, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508pbx/a_blonde_woman_dyes_her_hair_red/
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Breaking news: Trump has fallen into a wishing well.

I am as surprised as you are. I had no idea they actually worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508oxb/breaking_news_trump_has_fallen_into_a_wishing_well/
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A man is on his wedding anniversary dinner...

A man is on his wedding anniversary dinner. He has been married for 20 years to his beautiful wife.
They have a son, whom he loves very much. For this occasion his wife decided that they would eat at the husband's favourite restaurant.
Arriving at the restaurant the waiter greets them happily. The kitchen prepares the tastiest dishes for the family.
After lots of food and some glasses of wine, the husband gets very emotional. He takes his wife's hand and looks her in the eye.
*Here I am today with the two most important people in my life.*
He smiles at his son.
*The chef and the waiter.*
Credit to my dad, who actually pulled that joke. Slightly modified for story telling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508ngd/a_man_is_on_his_wedding_anniversary_dinner/
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What is the best part about having sex with a gypsy on her period?

When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508mer/what_is_the_best_part_about_having_sex_with_a/
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A clown and a young boy are walking through a dark woods...

Holding hands the boy turns to the clown and says "Mr. Clown I sure am scared!" The clown says to the boy "You're scared? I'm the one that has to walk out of here alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508mdf/a_clown_and_a_young_boy_are_walking_through_a/
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A man walked into a bar

And immediately lost the limbo competition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508kov/a_man_walked_into_a_bar/
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Tech Joke: Changing a light bulb

A window user, a Linux user and an apple user all need to change a lightbulb in their respective homes. They split up and the windows and apple user meet back up 5 minutes later
Windows User: Did you get it fixed?
Apple user: No, it can't be cganged so I need to find a new house; how about you?
Windows User: Yeah I changed it, but now the toilet won't flush.
After some time the two become worried because the Linux user hasn't come back yet. They go to his apartment and find him sitting in the middle of the floor with a set of instructions and a box of parts. The Windows user asks what he's doing to which he replies "what does it look like? This lightbulb isn't going to build itself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508kd8/tech_joke_changing_a_light_bulb/
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I was told that at birth I had a choice between perfect memory or a big penis.

"I fucking remember" i replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508j8r/i_was_told_that_at_birth_i_had_a_choice_between/
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My kindergarten-aged daughter...

Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class.  She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever". And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508ikq/my_kindergartenaged_daughter/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508hsh/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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how are a silver medalist and a priest alike

They both came in a little behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508gnu/how_are_a_silver_medalist_and_a_priest_alike/
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Why did Hitler commit suicide?

...he got the gas bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508g0q/why_did_hitler_commit_suicide/
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A Blonde in a Cornfield

A blonde was on her way home from work when she saw a fellow blonde rowing a canoe in the middle of a cornfield. Outraged she pulls her car over and runs to the side of the road closest to where the canoe is. At the top of her lungs she yells "HEY! IT'S BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE US BLONDES A BAD NAME. YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'VE GOT A BOAT, BECAUSE IF I KNEW HOW TO SWIM, I'D COME OUT THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508d9z/a_blonde_in_a_cornfield/
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Three blond women are stuck on an island ...

...within sight of mainland but too far to swim. They stumble onto a magic lamp and a genie pops out and offers them each one wish.
The first blonde wishes she were twice as smart so she could get off the island. The genie turns her into a redhead and she finds a large piece of driftwood that gives just enough buoyancy that she manages to swim to shore.
The second blonde thinks that looks like too much energy so she wishes she were five times as smart so she could get off the island. She's turned into a brunette and starts building a raft. It takes a long time but when it's finished she floats across with little effort.
It's late now and the third blonde would like to get home both quickly and easily. She wishes she were ten times as smart, turns into a man, and walks across the bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508d28/three_blond_women_are_stuck_on_an_island/
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A man walks into a graveyard bar

"Can I get a beer?" he asks as he walks up to the bar.
"I'm sorry," replies the bartender. "We serve only spirits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508c0p/a_man_walks_into_a_graveyard_bar/
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34 Days!!

A bartender is at the beginning of his shift, when a few blondes come in and get a table. The group begins cheering and chanting "34 Days! 34 Days!!" One after another they come up for drinks and rounds of shots for their table. Thinking nothing of it, the bartender happily obliges.
After about an hour the number of blondes grow to more than twice the size of the starting group. They continue cheering and chanting "34 Days! 34 Days!!" Happy and drunk, they continue to buy more drinks and rounds of shots. Starting to wonder what this gathering was about, the bartender starts to question one of the blondes as she comes up to order, but after looking at the tips he is making, he proceeds to serve the group without inquiry.
2 hours later, the blondes have more than doubled again! Now there are at least 30 some odd blondes at this gathering all whooping and hollering "34 Days! 34 Days!!" Finally the bartenders curiosity has gotten the better of him. When the next blonde comes up and orders a round of shots he asks "Ma'am, I've watched your group grow almost tenfold. Everyone is so excited and it's a wonderful site to see, but I have to ask, what is it that you all keep yelling together '34 Days?'"
Excited to answer, the blonde proudly replies, "We got together to prove to everyone that blondes were not dumb! After much debate, we decided to get a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said it would take 5 years, but we finished it in only 34 Days!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/508bf0/34_days/
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A blonde walks into a bank

in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found out that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5088he/a_blonde_walks_into_a_bank/
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A con artist, a pervert, and a racist walks into a bar.

The barkeep looks up and says "The usual, Mr. Trump?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5088d3/a_con_artist_a_pervert_and_a_racist_walks_into_a/
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A catholic school teacher was teaching a lesson one morning and asked his students where Jesus was.

"Yes Susie" he said as he called on Susie whose hand was raised. "He's in heaven!" She shouted with pride. He called on Steven who said "He was in his heart" The only boy left with his hand raised with had the most unusual answer "He's in my bathroom!" Everyone had a puzzled look on his/her face. "Yeah!" Said the boy.. "My father bangs on the door every morning saying 'Jesus Christ, ya still in there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5087qx/a_catholic_school_teacher_was_teaching_a_lesson/
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Why is this joke bad for the environment?

Because it wasn't recycled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5086fr/why_is_this_joke_bad_for_the_environment/
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A Rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar

The bartender asks - is this some kind of joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5085l5/a_rabbi_a_priest_and_a_minister_walk_into_a_bar/
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How do you know you're at a gay BBQ?

The sausage tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5083jr/how_do_you_know_youre_at_a_gay_bbq/
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Gene Therapy

The act of watching Gene Wilder films to cope with the loss of Gene Wilder.
This is the place for wordplay, right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5082wl/gene_therapy/
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An idiot, a moron, and a dumbass want to win a blue ribbon at the State Fair.

Idiot: "But what could we win?"
Moron: "What if we dun entered in an animal?"
Dumbass: "We could win for 'World's Biggest Pig'!"
The three go out and procure the biggest pig they can find. Over the next few weeks, they feed the pig as much slop as it can keep down. It grows slowly, but with the State Fair a week away, it hasn't gained enough weight to win 'World's Biggest Pig'.
Moron: "Goddammit, how do we make this pig grow faster?"
Dumbass: "It won't get bigger 'cus it's shittin' too much!"
Idiot: "Let's plug it up!" And the idiot rams a cork up the pig's rear end.
With the pig plugged up, it gains a massive amount of weight over the next week. At the State Fair, it easily wins 'World's Biggest Pig', and the three collect their winnings. With the pig no longer needed, they discuss what to do with it.
Dumbass: "We needa take that there cork out."
Idiot: "I'm ain't gunna do it!"
Moron: "Let's get a monkey to do it!"
The three find a monkey, and show it how to remove the cork before taking it to the pig. They stand back as the monkey removes the cork, and immediately after, all three lose consciousness.
They wake up hours later in the hospital with a doctor standing in front of their beds. He asks them: "What's the last thing you remember before you blacked out?"
Idiot: "The pig explodin'."
Moron: "Shit flyin' e'erywhere."
Dumbass: "That poor lil' monkey tryin' to put the cork back in..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5082r8/an_idiot_a_moron_and_a_dumbass_want_to_win_a_blue/
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Hillary demands that Trump release his tax returns

Trump says - I'll email them to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507yqi/hillary_demands_that_trump_release_his_tax_returns/
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A man walks into the head office of a click-bait news site...

...what happens next will shock you!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507vit/a_man_walks_into_the_head_office_of_a_clickbait/
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I cheated on a girl that was a bartender.

I hope she gives me another shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507vg5/i_cheated_on_a_girl_that_was_a_bartender/
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What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles
*It's a verbal joke.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507ub6/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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Three Months In A Coma

A woman in her late 20's had been in a coma for three months after becoming ill. The floor nurse was doing her daily sponge bath when she noticed that the patient began to bite her bottom lip as she got closer to her vagina.
Baffled by this the nurse immediately notified the doctor. The doctor entered the room and confirmed the nurse's story. The doctor immediately called the patients husband and requested that he come to the hospital.
When the husband arrived the doctor began to explain what happened. The doctor told him that his suggestion may be a little unorthodox, but he believed that he knew a way to wake the wife from her coma. The husband was instructed to have oral sex with his wife in an attempt to wake her.
Believing that he had nothing to lose the husband entered the room. After five minutes the nurse and doctor heard a flat line coming from the patients room. They rushed inside to find the husband on the floor crying.
Confused by the outcome the doctor asked the husband what happened. He looked up with tears in his eyes and stated "I guess she choked on it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507t0b/three_months_in_a_coma/
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A priest is in the confession booth...

A priest is in the confession booth listening to people confess their sins, when suddenly he feels the urge to drop a Deuteronomy. He knew right away that this was going to be a bowel movement of biblical proportions, and sweared to God that he would never eat Devil's food cake again. He opened the door to the confession booth and frantically spotted two altar boys. "You two" he shouted. "Watch the booth for me, until I get back."
Once he left, the younger boy went in the booth and started listening to confession. First a man came in and admitted to having impure thoughts. The boy told him to say 5 Hail Mary's. The next man came in and admitted to stealing his neighbor's newspaper, the boy told him to say 10 Hail Mary's. Then a woman came in and admitted to cheating on her husband, by giving another man a blowjob. Sensing that this was a pretty serious offense, the altar boy wasn't quite sure how to handle it. So he opened the door and called out to the other altar boy, "Hey Ricky, what does the preacher give for a blowjob?"
Ricky replied, "A couple Snickers bars and a soda."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507suk/a_priest_is_in_the_confession_booth/
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Irish Economics!

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town and he stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 note on the desk. He tells the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.100 euro
The butcher takes the 100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the 100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the 100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local lady of the night drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him “services” on credit.
The lady then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the 100 note back on the counter so the traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the 100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything, but the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507lzi/irish_economics/
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Three girls are driving in a desert when their car breaks down.

One of them was a brunette, the other one a redhead, and the last one, a blonde. As their car broke down in the middle of nowhere and they know nothing about cars, they decide to take a part of the car with them.
The brunette says: "I'm gonna take the roof, so I can protect myself from sandstorms.
The redhead says: I'm gonna take the seat so I can sit down and rest on it at night.
The blonde says: Well I'm gonna take the door, so when it's hot, I pull down the window and get some cool air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507l7k/three_girls_are_driving_in_a_desert_when_their/
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And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life".

But John came in fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507kw2/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
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What's a feminist's favorite subject?

Triggernometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507jzg/whats_a_feminists_favorite_subject/
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If life gives you melons...

You're probably dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507ie4/if_life_gives_you_melons/
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An Irish boy's confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose Woman."
The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is. "
"And, who was the woman you were with," asked the Priest. "
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed. "
"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The Priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast Lad, Timmy ...And, I admire that. But, you have sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend Church Mass for three months. Be off with you now. "
Timmy walks back to his pew. His Friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507hqa/an_irish_boys_confession/
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There are 3 types of people in this world

People that can count and people that can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507fcx/there_are_3_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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This happened over the weekend

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507def/this_happened_over_the_weekend/
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A young man went off to college....

A young man from Arkansas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough dank to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville , he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States , and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend  turned out to be...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507d1v/a_young_man_went_off_to_college/
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A drunk man stumbles out of the bar

He walks up the alley and stops to take a piss. When he finishes, he notices a small lamp on the ground. He picks it up and begins to rub it, and a genie comes out. He makes his wishes and passes out.
When he wakes up, he finds himself in a beautiful mansion, surrounded by beautiful women. "What the hell happened last night?" He thinks to his self.
There is a knock on the door. When he opens the door there is a tall man dressed as a Klan member. The Klan member sweeps him off his feet and drags him into the yard of the mansion and hangs him.
The Klan member removes his mask and it's the genie. The genie says to the struggling man, "I can understand the house and the women, but why would you want to be hung like a nigger?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/507cys/a_drunk_man_stumbles_out_of_the_bar/
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My roommate gets angry when I steal their kitchen utensils

It's a whisk I'm willing to take

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5078vk/my_roommate_gets_angry_when_i_steal_their_kitchen/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

After the delivery
(Pls....just let me go and don't hurt my family)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5075xn/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne waits until you're 13 before it comes on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5075ml/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_priest/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

The chicken clucked silently to himself as he wiped the rain water from his eyebrows. It has been raining for hours now, but that was good, he would be harder to follow. He breathed in and put his eye to the glass, staring down the scope, using it to peer through the window of the diner across the street. That's where the man sat, the farmer that started it all. He raised him from a chick, fed him, gave him a wife and child.... then took it all away for his own gain. But the chicken wasn't going to let it end like that, oh no. He clucked his final prayer, watched, waited for the rain to fall straight down, a sign of no wind.... and pulled the trigger.
Quickly he descended the ladder, leaving the gun behind, chickens didn't have fingerprints... he sprinted across the road, ducked into a nearby alley, and fled. Never to be seen again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5075dl/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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A black man and a white man walk into a bakery,

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing."
The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The white man replies, "Look in the black man's back pocket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5074gl/a_black_man_and_a_white_man_walk_into_a_bakery/
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Death by Beyblades

Let it R.I.P
Oldie but a goodie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5074bg/death_by_beyblades/
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What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea?

He died in his teepee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5073wf/what_happened_to_the_native_american_who_drank/
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Champ, the much-loved pub mascot.

Ted was the landlord of the Nag's Head pub. Every night, the same guys would turn up, have a few pints of beer, share a conversation and the occasional game of darts or dominoes. At 8pm every night, Ted would receive a visit from one of his other regulars - Champ, a stray dog who always came for a bowl of water and a few bags of pork scratchings. The regulars all loved Champ, and he was treated like the pub's mascot.
One night just before 8pm, there was a screech of brakes outside the pub, shortly followed by a man running into the pub in a state of distress.
"This dog, it just ran out in front of my car...I think I've killed it!"
Ted immediately feared the worst, and sure enough when he went outside, it was the heavily mangled remains of Champ in the middle of the road. Only Champ's tail remained intact.
Ted and the other regulars were in shock, but soon decided that they should have some kind of tribute to such a well-loved regular of the pub.
"Why don't we get his tail stuffed, and hang it above the bar?" suggested one of the regulars. This was thought to be a great idea, and shortly after a taxidermist was called and Champ's tail was stuffed.
On New Year's Eve that year, Ted was having a quiet drink after having closed the bar at the end of a successful evening. All of a sudden, he heard some scratching noises coming from the front door. "That sounds like Champ!" thought Ted, but one glance at the tail above the bar told him it couldn't be. He looked into his drink, shook his head and carried on drinking.
10 minutes later, he heard the same scratching noises. This time, he couldn't shake off his curiosity and made his way to the front door. When he opened the door, he recoiled with a huge fright; there in front of him was the ghost of Champ on the door step, looking up at him.
+I'd like my tail back, please+ came this voice inside his head.
"I...I...I can't d-d-d-do that!" stuttered Ted.
+I'd like my tail back, please+ repeated the ghostly form of Champ.
"I can't do that" replied Ted, having overcome his original shock.
+I have come seeking the return of my tail. I cannot transition through to the afterlife in such an incomplete state. Why can I not have my tail back?+ insisted Champ.
Ted glanced at the clock. It was now 3:30am.
"I'm sorry, but we can't retail spirits at this time of night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5073bm/champ_the_muchloved_pub_mascot/
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What do you call a monkey holding a stick of dynamite?

A Baboom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506vm7/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_holding_a_stick_of/
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What's the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506u2l/whats_the_best_drug_to_have_sex_on/
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A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff

BA-DUMM-TSS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506u0y/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_down_a_cliff/
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I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.

Now I'm taking this shit to the next level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506sis/i_accidentally_pooped_my_pants_in_the_elevator/
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CATHOLIC COFFEE BREAK

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, and everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506rwk/catholic_coffee_break/
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Someone asked me to write a sad story in 3 words today

I just replied "Trump or Hilary"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506q5i/someone_asked_me_to_write_a_sad_story_in_3_words/
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Why did the Farmer win a Nobel-Prize?

Because he was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506q13/why_did_the_farmer_win_a_nobelprize/
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In Newcastle, England many people don't like to live above the seventh floor in a tower block

They have a fear of Eights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506prb/in_newcastle_england_many_people_dont_like_to/
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Interviewer: what's your greatest weakness?

Me: I'm always very honest.
Interviewer: I don't think that's a weakness.
Me: I don't give a fuck what you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506p76/interviewer_whats_your_greatest_weakness/
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What a kid I got

I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
'creds: Rodney Dangerfield'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506op6/what_a_kid_i_got/
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Girl, if you don't stop touching my crotch,...

...you might feel a small prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506lr7/girl_if_you_dont_stop_touching_my_crotch/
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A man goes to a funeral home to bury his dead wife.

One of the employees tells him "We can bury her here in Israel on a good plot of land for $500, or we can bury her in America, but it'll cost you $5000". The man says "Ok, let me go home and think about it". The next day when he comes back to the funeral home the employee asks him "so what have you decided?", and the man responds "bury her in America". The employee, surprised, asks him "But why?! It's so much more expensive and we already have good land reserved here". The man replies "a man was buried and came back to life here 2,000 years ago, I'm not taking any chances".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506lpe/a_man_goes_to_a_funeral_home_to_bury_his_dead_wife/
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Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word.

Me: Hired.
Interviewer: (under breath) holy shit can he do that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506kma/interviewer_describe_yourself_in_one_word/
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A guy finds a Genie bottle

sure enough a Genie pops out and says "you get three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double"
Guy says "fine, whatever for my first wish I want a beautiful mansion in Hawaii"
Genie says "you got it, but now your ex-wife has two"
Guy says "yeah, whatever, for my next wish I want 10 billion dollars tax free"
Genie says "you got it, but now your ex-wife has 20 billion tax free dollars, what's your third and final wish?"
The guy thinks for a bit then says "I know, I want you to beat me half to death!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506jyb/a_guy_finds_a_genie_bottle/
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A priest and a rabbi walk through the woods

They happen upon a small boy leaning against a tree.
The priest rubs his hands together and says, "Let's fuck him."
Rabbi turns to him looking confused and replies, "Yes, but out of what? He's only a child."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506jre/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_walk_through_the_woods/
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What's the difference between the Earth and my sock?

The Earth's crust is on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506jmn/whats_the_difference_between_the_earth_and_my_sock/
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TIL Every animal has its own specific mating call

A bird sings, a frog croaks, a badger clickets, a grasshopper chirps, a deer croons, and I beg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506gw4/til_every_animal_has_its_own_specific_mating_call/
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A guy goes to see the doctor because he's a little too well-endowed.

In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help. The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.
"Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again.
"Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506fnd/a_guy_goes_to_see_the_doctor_because_hes_a_little/
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A very drunk man walks into a bar

He yells:
two large beers and a packet of crisps please!
Lady: sir, this is a library.
Man, whispering: two large beers and a packet of crisps please!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506ddk/a_very_drunk_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How are Harambe memes keeping up?

Cincinnati Zoo keeps trying to shoot them down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506bbt/how_are_harambe_memes_keeping_up/
%
If God doesn't believe in himself...

Does that make him an atheist or does he just have low self-esteem?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506avm/if_god_doesnt_believe_in_himself/
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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest . . . .

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5068os/a_man_and_a_woman_started_to_have_sex_in_the/
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I paid a Mexican to finish my Spanish essay.

He found me the next day and said that the problem was taken care of. "So, can I see my essay?" I asked. The Mexican took me to the hospital. My friend, Ricardo, was dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50689h/i_paid_a_mexican_to_finish_my_spanish_essay/
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Click this thread to hear a joke about ghosts.

.......Thats the spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5066ex/click_this_thread_to_hear_a_joke_about_ghosts/
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did you hear about the kidnapping at school today

Its ok he woke up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50666l/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school_today/
%
My wife always takes up two parking spaces.

She ought to go on a diet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50665l/my_wife_always_takes_up_two_parking_spaces/
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What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5065zq/whats_the_difference_between_smoking_weed_and/
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I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife.

I’ll put a patio on them later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5065wc/i_was_nervous_leaving_my_ex_in_the_backyard_with/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506518/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number_she_said/
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Yesterday my doctor told me, "if you don´t stop drinking, you´ll die." I asked him why.

"Because thats my beer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5064f4/yesterday_my_doctor_told_me_if_you_dont_stop/
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What the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/506306/what_the_difference_between_meat_and_fish/
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80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5062bs/80000_blondes_meet_in_a_football_stadium_for_a/
%
So a baby and I head into a bar, smashed...

Wait, I think I'm telling this one wrong...
I smashed a bar into a baby's head. There it was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5061al/so_a_baby_and_i_head_into_a_bar_smashed/
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So, an old married couple goes to the doc . . .

for their annual checkups.  He sees the husband first, and he seems healthy, so the doc asks if he has any complaints.  "Well, doc, we're having a little trouble having sex.  When we do it the first time, I get all hot and sweaty, but the second time, I get chills, and I feel like I'm freezing."
The doc says he'll ask the wife about it, and then see if he can pinpoint the cause.
So, it's the wife's turn, and she seems healthy as well, and she has no complaints.  So the doc tells her about the husband's problem, to see if she can add any insight.
"It's pretty simple doc.  It's because the first time is in July, and the second time is in December!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5060gs/so_an_old_married_couple_goes_to_the_doc/
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Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole..

..Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says *"Gee Susie, what's going on?"*
Susie says, *"I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious"*
Mr. Johnson asks, *"Why are you digging a hole?"*
Susie replies, *"I'm burying my gold fish"*
Mr. Johnson laughs and asks *"Why is the hole so big?"*
Susie replies, *"Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat".*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505xs5/little_8_year_old_susie_is_in_her_back_yard/
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How can Rihanna tell when Chris Brown's cheating on her?

The brand of makeup on his knuckle isn't hers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505xew/how_can_rihanna_tell_when_chris_browns_cheating/
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A prayer

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
He called out: "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward: "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
Good", said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505w55/a_prayer/
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There are two kinds of people in the world

Those that can extrapolate from missing information

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505ube/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
%
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...

During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505sxz/a_man_and_his_wife_are_playing_dungeons_and/
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What's the difference between a bomb vest and a feminist?

A bomb vest does something when it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505sq9/whats_the_difference_between_a_bomb_vest_and_a/
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I have a foot fetish, but only for left feet.

I know you are thinking "That ain't right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505s9h/i_have_a_foot_fetish_but_only_for_left_feet/
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You shouldn't make racist jokes about Asians who cant drive when its raining

Its a slippery slope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505rgv/you_shouldnt_make_racist_jokes_about_asians_who/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7 in hexadecimal Canada?

Because 7 8 9 A.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505ojx/why_was_6_afraid_of_7_in_hexadecimal_canada/
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My teenage son told me I am a resentful has-been. We had a good, hearty laugh together about that.

Then i changed the WIFI password

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505m3m/my_teenage_son_told_me_i_am_a_resentful_hasbeen/
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How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?

Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505leo/how_to_find_out_who_loves_you_more_your_dog_or/
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Read a book about gay marriage in Ireland

The authors' names are: Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505k7b/read_a_book_about_gay_marriage_in_ireland/
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What do you call an Artist in a Dark Alley?

Sketchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505iz2/what_do_you_call_an_artist_in_a_dark_alley/
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What's the difference between jesus and a hooker?

The noises they make as you're nailing them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505gfk/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_hooker/
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"Persian sonic, why are you tired?"

"Iran."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505eo7/persian_sonic_why_are_you_tired/
%
The cannibal king's test

Three men were hiking in the forest when they got lost. They wandered around and after a few days, they found a large campsite. Upon entering, they realized that it was inhabited by cannibals, and tried to leave but were captured. They were brought before the cannibal king, and the king stated that they would survive and be able to leave if they could pass a test. The first part of the test was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first man returned to the camp and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then told him the second part of the test, which was to shove the fruit up his ass, and if he made any expression, either verbal or physical, he would be eaten. The man tried, but winced before he could get one apple in, so he was killed.
The second man arrived back at the campsite and showed the king ten blueberries. "What do you want me to do next?" he asked. The king replied by telling him that he had to shove the berries inside him, and if he made any expression, he would be eaten. "This'll be easy, they're just small berries, they can fit." The man fit eight berries into his ass when he burst out laughing. Because he broke the rules of the king's test, he was eaten as well.
The first man and the second man met in heaven, and started talking about the king's test. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost made it; you could've been able to leave." The man replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505bec/the_cannibal_kings_test/
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Two men contracted to paint a small community church.

Being very frugal(cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they determined that they did not, after all, have enough paint to complete the job. Not wishing to spend any more money if they didn't absolutely have to, they decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer. They did this a couple more times before they finished, which caused striping on the church as the paint got lighter eachtime it was thinned. The painters had just about gotten to the top of thesteeple, when, all of a sudden, the sky darkened, and the rain started to pour down.
As the paint streamed down the sides of the church, a voice boomed from the heavens: "Repaint, you thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505a3y/two_men_contracted_to_paint_a_small_community/
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I told my dad about the school shooting today

I don't know why he got so worked up over picture day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5058zk/i_told_my_dad_about_the_school_shooting_today/
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Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty whole divided by sixty nine?

Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.
Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...
Man: But i'm quick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5058me/interviewer_you_said_you_are_quick_in_mathematics/
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Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower leave Moscow?

He got snowed in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5058g5/why_couldnt_the_nsa_whistleblower_leave_moscow/
%
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

Because when he asked them who the greatest composer was all they would say is "mmmmmm... Bach Bach Bach"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505889/why_did_mozart_kill_all_his_chickens/
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Some people say I worry too much.

I pray for those people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5057qi/some_people_say_i_worry_too_much/
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What happened to the Irishman who tried to blow up a school bus?

He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5057p6/what_happened_to_the_irishman_who_tried_to_blow/
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If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505675/if_three_florida_state_football_players_are_in/
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A nun was washing her hands in the bowl of holy water.

When suddenly a senior nun appears behind her and ask her what is she doing.
The nun replies, "The bishop made me touch his penis, so i'm washing away my sin."
The senior nun gasps and says, "Pray 3 Hail Mary's and god will surely forgive you. Now move over i need to gargle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50562w/a_nun_was_washing_her_hands_in_the_bowl_of_holy/
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I broke my finger today...

but on the other hand..I'm completely fine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5054wk/i_broke_my_finger_today/
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While working at the Patent Office, I discovered the Theory of Irrelativity.

But then I decided it didn't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5053to/while_working_at_the_patent_office_i_discovered/
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Three construction workers were sitting on a beam...

Three construction workers (an Italian, a Mexican, and a guy named Bubba from Mississippi) were sitting on a steel beam at the top of a skyscraper they were building. It was lunchtime. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and sees that he has spaghetti and meatballs.
"Son of a bitch", he says, "spaghetti and meatballs again. Everyday it's spaghetti and meatballs. I swear if I get spaghetti and meatballs again tomorrow I'm going to commit suicide by jumping off this building."
The Mexican worker opens up his lunch box and sees a taco. "Damnit", he says, "another damn taco, I'm so tired of tacos, If I have to eat a taco again tomorrow I'm going to jump off of this building and commit suicide".
The bubba opens his lunch box and sees a bologna sandwich. "Shit!!! another damn bologna sandwich. If I get another bologna sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump and kill myself too! Fuck a bologna sandwich!"
The next day during lunch, they are sitting on the same steel beam. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and finds spaghetti and meatballs. Without saying a word he closes the box and throws himself off of the beam and drops twenty floors to his death. The Mexican worker opens his box, finds a taco. "¡Ay, caramba" he closes the lunch box and jumps to his death. An Ooey gooey mess was beginning to develop. Bubba opens his box and finds a bologna sandwich... Goddamn it! Well here I come boys. A couple of days later the families of all three workers meet at the cemetery just after the funerals. The Italian worker's wife was crying. "Oh, if only I had known how he felt about the spaghetti and meatballs, I could have fixed him a muffalotta, and he would still be here today.
The Mexican worker's wife said "I could have fixed my husband a nachos or an enchilada, and he would be here with me today".
There was a moment of silence while everybody was waiting for the Bubba's wife to share her thoughts...
"Dang it I just don't get it", she said, "Bubba always made his own lunches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50538x/three_construction_workers_were_sitting_on_a_beam/
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Chinese Torture

A young man is wandering and lost in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door, he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the young man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old, and entered the house.
During dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night, he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet, so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought."If that's the best the old man can do, then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window, and threw the boulder out.
As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted towards the ground, he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5050dj/chinese_torture/
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I've been happily married for 3 years now

out of a total of five.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/505097/ive_been_happily_married_for_3_years_now/
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Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is...

Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5
Ask an engineer and he'll say 4
Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504zw0/ask_a_lawyer_what_2_2_is/
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Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes one cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504wba/three_men_are_on_a_boat_they_have_four_cigarettes/
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A police officer found two kids walking the streets. One had a battery and the other had a firecracker.

He charged one and let the other one off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504vgs/a_police_officer_found_two_kids_walking_the/
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What can be served but not eaten?

A tennis ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504pm0/what_can_be_served_but_not_eaten/
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Justin Trudeau announces free lazer eye surgery for all Canadians in 4 years...

When asked why he put forward this proposal, he responded by saying "because it's 2020".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504ott/justin_trudeau_announces_free_lazer_eye_surgery/
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Going Through Customs At A US Airport

Airport Staff: Sir, do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* Uh no... *trips and falls* *hundreds of Kinder Surprise Eggs roll out of my pockets, jacket and briefcase*
Airport Staff: **GET ON THE GROUND NOW!**
Me: But I am.
*armed Guards swarm around me and pin me down*
Armed Guards: **WHAT'S IN THE EGGS?**
Me: I don't know it's a surprise!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504oi9/going_through_customs_at_a_us_airport/
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How do you find a blind man in a strip club?

It isn't hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504mpd/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_strip_club/
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Three guys are stranded in the desert..

Three guys are walking through the desert and are very thirsty and they come upon a shack, the first guy goes in and there is an old lady inside, he asks for water and she sais only if you fuck me so he sais no way and sits outside, the second guy goes into the shack and asks for water and she replies only if you fuck me, so he sais no way and sits outside with guy #1. The third guy goes inside and agrees to fuck her for water, so he tells her to turn around and close her eyes, then he grabs a corn on the cob off the counter and fucks her with it, when hes done he tosses it out the window. Then she asks if he will do it twice more for his friends, he agrees and once again fucks her with the corn and throws it out the window. He leaves the shack and goes to his friends and sais hey! I got water!, The two other guys reply, "Oh Yeah? well we've got creamed corn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504lxa/three_guys_are_stranded_in_the_desert/
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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...

...so I got drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504kz6/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_go_out_and_get_something/
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Mixed emotions.

A husband & wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of “Mixed Emotions”.
The husband turned to his wife & said,
“That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can not tell me anything that will make me happy & sad at the same time.”
The wife said: “out of all your friends, you have the biggest Dick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504g7i/mixed_emotions/
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Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?

Potential employee: Shape shifting.
Interviewer: Really?
Interviewer: Yes.
Interviewer: Shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504etb/interviewer_whats_your_greatest_strength/
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A new type of product !

I opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504e9b/a_new_type_of_product/
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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabe

th went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504buk/dolly_parton_and_queen_elizabe/
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The CEO of Budweiser, Miller and Carlsberg walks into a bar.

The CEO of Budweiser walks up to the bar and orders a Budweiser, after which the CEO of Miller orders a Miller. Then the CEO of Carlsberg says to the bartender: "I'll have a glass of water." The others looks baffled and asks him: "Why didn't you order a Carlsberg?". He replies: "Well, since you're not having beer..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504br4/the_ceo_of_budweiser_miller_and_carlsberg_walks/
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Can we get divorced in Heaven?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504bbd/can_we_get_divorced_in_heaven/
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Clickbaits seem so obvious...

Just like this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504auu/clickbaits_seem_so_obvious/
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European English...

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replased with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/504aho/european_english/
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Tired of your job?

Try this...
On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure to get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement....
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5049zt/tired_of_your_job/
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Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics
Interviewer: Could you give me an example?
Me: Yes I could

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5044l4/interviewer_whats_your_greatest_weakness/
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A blond woman gets on a plane...

She sits down in the first class. A steward, - who has seen her ticket at the entrance - approaches her very politely and ask if he could see her ticket once more. The woman hands it to him. The steward sees that it is for the Economy class and says nicely:
- Madam, your ticket is not for the first class, but for the Economy. Would you please proceed to the back?
The woman stands up and says quite loudly:
- I am blond, I am going on holiday to Miami and I will stay here! - And she sits back.
The steward is in a kind of a shock, so he walks to the co-pilot and tells him what happened.
The co-pilot walks also to the woman and says:
- Madam, if I understood well, you ticket is for the Economy Class. You must proceed to the back, this area is first class.
The woman stands up and says quite loudly:
- I am blond, I am going on holiday to Miami and I will stay here! - And she sits back.
Well, the co-pilot can't force her either, so they go together with the steward to the pilot and tell him about the situation.
The pilot chuckles a little and answers very calmly:
- Let me talk to her. I understand blond women, my wife is also blond. So he walks to the woman as the steward and the co-pilot are curiously watching.
He leans down to her and whispers something in her ears.
The woman stands up immediately and walks to the back of the plane.
The steward and the co-pilot are in shock.
They run to the pilot and ask him:
- What did you possibly say to her?
The pilot just smiles and says:
- I told her the First Class isn't going to Miami.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5042p5/a_blond_woman_gets_on_a_plane/
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I’ve just been fired from my job at the clock-making factory…

...must have been all those extra hours I've been putting in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/503zhb/ive_just_been_fired_from_my_job_at_the/
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What's a Jew's favorite brand of hotdog?

Anne Frank's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/503uku/whats_a_jews_favorite_brand_of_hotdog/
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Why do first year film students like analyzing porn?

It's easy to identify the climax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/503nu9/why_do_first_year_film_students_like_analyzing/
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You're the bomb!

A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/503hmu/youre_the_bomb/
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George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.
(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/503dys/george_r_r_martin_dead_after_reaching_peak/
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Einstein quietly lays in bed next to a obviously disappointed partner..

After a few seconds of awkward silence he turns to her and says, "You see, it was fast to you..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/503ds1/einstein_quietly_lays_in_bed_next_to_a_obviously/
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What's the best trade a palindrome has ever made?

A nut for a jar of tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5038hw/whats_the_best_trade_a_palindrome_has_ever_made/
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They say two heads are better than one

But sometimes I just don't need that much lettuce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5038cp/they_say_two_heads_are_better_than_one/
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Senior Citizen puzzled

A little silver-haired man calls his neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
His neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired man says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
His neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
He lets him in and shows him where he has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to him and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes his hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then,"
he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5036qf/senior_citizen_puzzled/
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I got an escort for my grandpa's 100th birthday.

She said that she would give him super sex. He said "I'll take the soup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5034st/i_got_an_escort_for_my_grandpas_100th_birthday/
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What's the difference between kinky and perverted ?

Kinky you use a feather; perverted you use the whole chicken !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5032ii/whats_the_difference_between_kinky_and_perverted/
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It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.
"Really!" I exclaimed.
"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."
That'll teach her to try and be funny...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5031md/its_a_healthy_relationship/
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An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/502wnu/an_angel_appears_and_says_ill_grant_you_whichever/
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It was the talk of the town...

It was the talk of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year, she went to a hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the guy. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”
He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.”
He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil—this one’s black.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/502val/it_was_the_talk_of_the_town/
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A girl comes back home after many years to see her father before he dies...

She goes to his bedside and starts crying, "Dad, I'm sorry!"
He looks at her, smiles weakly, and says, "Goodbye, Sorry." He grins. "I'm *dead*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/502v2o/a_girl_comes_back_home_after_many_years_to_see/
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A family walks into a motel...

A family walks into a motel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/502upz/a_family_walks_into_a_motel/
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I was asked on a biology test "what is most commonly found in cells"

Black people was the wrong answer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/502t2q/i_was_asked_on_a_biology_test_what_is_most/
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What is it about tall creepy louisiana swamp dwellers that makes them naturally glow?

Their bayou loomin' essence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/502s42/what_is_it_about_tall_creepy_louisiana_swamp/
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"Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it."

In which case, there sure are a lot of amnesiacs on this subreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/502nch/those_who_forget_history_are_doomed_to_repeat_it/
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Son of a Bitch

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/502mj5/son_of_a_bitch/
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Have you ever seen something and just wanted to devour it?

Anyways I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/502lck/have_you_ever_seen_something_and_just_wanted_to/
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Why dogs smell each others butts

The day God created the Dog he had all dogs in heaven gathered in one place so he could speak to them, of course the place was noisy and messy and one dog was howling, while two were fighting over a bone, others were chasing cherubs and, you get the picture…so God, who had been trying to get their attention all along got really mad and shouted:
“SILENCE! I shall have absolute silence for the next 5 minutes or i will have none of you back in here for the rest of eternity!”
Immediately everyone sat down in orderly fashion, and silence was kept…for about a minute. Then someone farted.
Thus, they have been looking for the culprit ever since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/502kv4/why_dogs_smell_each_others_butts/
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A group of friends are drinking at a neighborhood bar.

At closing time, one by one each friend says goodbye and leaves. The last man in the bar finishes his drink stands up and takes a step towards the door, He immediately falls flat on his face.
Lying on the floor he mumbles to himself "Dang, I must be more drunk than I thought. Maybe if I crawl towards the door and get some fresh air I'll feel better."
So he begins to Army crawl his way to the door. Once he gets there he pulls himself up on the frame pops the door open and takes a deep breath of the cool night air.
He instantly feels better and decides he can walk now. Once again he takes one step and falls flat on his face.
"Shoot, I must be worse than I thought!"
He looks down the road at his home, and realizes that if he could Army crawl to door of the bar, he could do the same to his front door. So he painstakingly begins crawling to his home.
About 20 minutes of painstakingly inching himself home he finally makes it. Covered in sweat he decides to try walking again. "I must have burnt off some of the alcohol by now, this should be easy." He pulls himself up the frame of his front door, opens it up and takes a step inside. Once again, his face finds the floor immediately.
"Screw this! I just need to sleep this off." Being defeated he crawls upstairs, pulls himself into bed and drifts into a deep sleep.
The next morning He wakes up to a huge platter of food in front of him with his wife smiling over it. "Wow Honey! This is great! All my favorites, eggs, bacon, sausage, and coffee! Why did you do this?"
His wife lovingly responds "Well I figured you would have a rough hangover and would need a pick me up."
The husband, confused by this asked "I'm glad you are not mad that I was out so late, but how did you know I was going to be so hungover and would have a rough morning?"
"Well, the bartender called, you left your wheelchair at the bar last night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/502hdh/a_group_of_friends_are_drinking_at_a_neighborhood/
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Postal workers are some of the most innovative people around

They really push the envelope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/502gap/postal_workers_are_some_of_the_most_innovative/
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What do you get when you cross human DNA with a penguin?

A life time ban at the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/502dz7/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_human_dna_with_a/
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A polar bear walks into a restaurant..

The polar bear tells the waitress,
"I'll have a Diet Coke, a double cheeseburger and a-"
...
...
... "side of fries."
"What's with the long pause!?" The waitress asked.
The polar bear replied,
"I was born with them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5028wk/a_polar_bear_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years......

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5028h2/a_man_escapes_from_a_prison_where_hes_been_locked/
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A man cheats on his wife...

A man is bored with his marriage, mostly his non-existent sex life, so he decides to have an affair.
One day after work he goes to a street corner and one of the prostitutes says "What will it be, Martin?"
The man doesn't know how the prostitute knows his name, but he figures why not go with it, she's pretty enough.
A week into the affair, they go out for pizza and the prostitute casually orders the man's favorite toppings, remarking, "It's your favorite, right?"
The man is thrown off a bit by this, but he continues the affair.
A month later, they're having sex in the man's living room and his wife walks in. She gasps in shock, then screams, "Why, you no-good backstabbing piece of shit!" They both stop and are trying to get their clothes on when wife yells, "I knew you were acting strange, Candy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5026a7/a_man_cheats_on_his_wife/
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It's a union thing

A guy walks into a brothel and asks if it is a union shop - the lady says no.  The guy says "well, unfortunately I cannot patronize this particular establishment as i can only do business with union shops, do you know of any brothels that are union?"
The lady says "yes, Lorna's down the street is full on union, here's the address"  The lady then calls Lorna and says "Look there was a guy here, union this, union that - I told him you were a union shop so just tell him OK"
The guy shows up to Lorna's and asks "you a union shop?" The lady behind the counter says "absolutely full union"
The guy says "Great, then I'd like to go chat with that beautiful young redhead over there in the corner"
The lady said "Oh, no sorry you can't, you have to take 450lb Helga over there as she has seniority"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50261s/its_a_union_thing/
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A thief stole my gate the other day, but I didn't report him

I was afraid he might take a fence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5025xg/a_thief_stole_my_gate_the_other_day_but_i_didnt/
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There was a Mexican magician.....

There was a Mexican Magician and he said that he could make himself disappear at the count of 3. The crowd ooo'd and awww'd as he preformed the trick. He started to count:
Uno....
Dos....
and he was gone, he disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5025sl/there_was_a_mexican_magician/
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What's the easiest way to perform an exorcism?

You beat the hell out of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/50230v/whats_the_easiest_way_to_perform_an_exorcism/
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How do you know if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501yeq/how_do_you_know_if_your_wife_is_dead/
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As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself...

This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501wyh/as_i_spread_my_girlfriends_legs_i_thought_to/
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An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501u0r/an_english_man_welsh_man_and_a_indian_man_walk/
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If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index ain't gonna hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501rj2/if_dr_seuss_wrote_instruction_manuals/
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Why does Waldo wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501qsg/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
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Beth had her Dodge truck stolen

Beth had her dodge truck stolen. She called the police and they told her they'd send their best detective out in search of her Dodge. The woman called her son John and told him all about what had happened. When John told his girlfriend about it, she was wrought with distress. John said to her, "don't worry, the dick's out for her ram, bae."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501qbc/beth_had_her_dodge_truck_stolen/
%
Why did Vivaldi die poor?

Because he was baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501q19/why_did_vivaldi_die_poor/
%
An Irish guy walks out of a bar....

It could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501pot/an_irish_guy_walks_out_of_a_bar/
%
When do you kick a midget in the balls?

When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501o58/when_do_you_kick_a_midget_in_the_balls/
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What is the most forbidden spice in Pakistan?

Haram masala

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501o2p/what_is_the_most_forbidden_spice_in_pakistan/
%
There was an explosion at a French cheese factory

De brie everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501o0g/there_was_an_explosion_at_a_french_cheese_factory/
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I discovered I have a fetish for figuring things out. (X-post /r/puns)

I came to the realization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501nhx/i_discovered_i_have_a_fetish_for_figuring_things/
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A guy walks into a pub...

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.  "Can I help you?" she asks.  "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501nao/a_guy_walks_into_a_pub/
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Did you hear about the guy in masturbation contest?

He really held his own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501n1q/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_in_masturbation_contest/
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An infinite number of /r/jokes jokes walk into a bar

The first joke asks for a beer, and the bartender pours an infinite number of beers because he knows that every joke on /r/jokes, being reposts, will all say the same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501lin/an_infinite_number_of_rjokes_jokes_walk_into_a_bar/
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Our grandchildren in 2060

"Grandma, why did you look like a dog when you were a teen?"
I really hate that filter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501ih9/our_grandchildren_in_2060/
%
Why are hurricanes named after women?

Because they arrive wet and wild then leave with your house and car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501gch/why_are_hurricanes_named_after_women/
%
What do bombs have in common with feminists?

The heavier they are, the bigger they explode when triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501g18/what_do_bombs_have_in_common_with_feminists/
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What did Mickey Mouse say to Trump when Goofy threw a shoe at him?

DONALD DUCK !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501dc8/what_did_mickey_mouse_say_to_trump_when_goofy/
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If you're feeling lonely, dim the lights and watch a good horror movie.

By the end of it, you won't feel like you're alone anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501d6p/if_youre_feeling_lonely_dim_the_lights_and_watch/
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Why wouldn't Hillary Clinton let Bill be her IT manager?

She was too worried how often the servers would go down on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/501cg7/why_wouldnt_hillary_clinton_let_bill_be_her_it/
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An infinite number of mathematically inclined cows walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "close the door!  Were you raised in a barn?!"
But the cows keep shuffling in.
Because they don't understand English.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5017nv/an_infinite_number_of_mathematically_inclined/
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A man decides to go climbing

First he scales snowy Exposition Mountain. When he gets to the top, he takes a breather and then heads back down.  About 5 minutes down he realizes he forgot his ice pick.  He doesn't go back though, because he h always keeps a spare.
The man had such a fun time climbing that he decides to go again next weekend.  He does so and increases in elevation, which makes it a rising action.
The man reaches the top once again, and finds his old ice pick sitting right where he left it.
"Whelp," he says.  "It looks I've reached the climb-axe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5016ov/a_man_decides_to_go_climbing/
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Two AARP members go to a sex therapist...

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5015kn/two_aarp_members_go_to_a_sex_therapist/
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Why are all early birds Catholics?

Protestant birds don't really want a Diet of Worms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5014w9/why_are_all_early_birds_catholics/
%
How to turn black woman into spider?

Kill her husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5014ed/how_to_turn_black_woman_into_spider/
%
What happens when a Cow tries to jump over a fence?

Udder destruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/500vs4/what_happens_when_a_cow_tries_to_jump_over_a_fence/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

*Keep the tip!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/500t99/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
100 penises walk into a bar

Bartender looks at them and says *"You gotta lotta balls coming in here"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/500mz4/100_penises_walk_into_a_bar/
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What does a tickle me Elmo get before it leaves the factory?

Two test tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/500k5h/what_does_a_tickle_me_elmo_get_before_it_leaves/
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Met a girl at a party and asked if she wanted to go back to my place and hang out. She said she wasn't a whore

I said I wasn't offering to pay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/500j8a/met_a_girl_at_a_party_and_asked_if_she_wanted_to/
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My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day

So I nip out and fuck his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/500ipo/my_doctor_put_me_on_a_strict_vegan_diet_but_every/
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What's hit more balls than David Beckham's right foot?

Elton John's chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/500ghi/whats_hit_more_balls_than_david_beckhams_right/
%
What's E.T short for

He's got little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/500ef9/whats_et_short_for/
%
In bed I’m like Beethoven

It’s all over in three movements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/500e8v/in_bed_im_like_beethoven/
%
The man who invented anagrams has died.

May he erect a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/500e0o/the_man_who_invented_anagrams_has_died/
%
Why couldn't the motorcycle make it home?

Because it was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/500e0d/why_couldnt_the_motorcycle_make_it_home/
%
I wish you were my big toe

So I could bang you on my coffee table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/500dbw/i_wish_you_were_my_big_toe/
%
What did the lesbian vampire say to her lover?

See you next month

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5009uq/what_did_the_lesbian_vampire_say_to_her_lover/
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Whoever answers my next question can go home

A teacher says to his class: Whoever answers my next question can go home
A student throws his bag out the window
Teacher: Who threw that?
Student: Me, I'm going home now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5009hb/whoever_answers_my_next_question_can_go_home/
%
My girlfriend made me watch a movie with her about how women struggled during their menstrual cycles in the 18th century.

It was a period piece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5008um/my_girlfriend_made_me_watch_a_movie_with_her/
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The court has decided you guilty of clickbait and has sentenced you to death by the electric chair...

... What happens next will shock you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5006k3/the_court_has_decided_you_guilty_of_clickbait_and/
%
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5000az/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
%
My girlfriend said that a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm.

"That's a bullshit myth," I said.
"Prove it," she replied.
After sneezing ten times I said, "See? I'm still awake and you're not pregnant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzyyh/my_girlfriend_said_that_a_sneeze_is_110th_of_an/
%
A large amount of stormtroopers walk into a bar and orders drinks

They all miss the free shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzvcv/a_large_amount_of_stormtroopers_walk_into_a_bar/
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A man and a woman walk into an elevator

The man asks the woman, can I smell your feet?
The woman looks at him with disgust and says no.
The man says, it must be your vagina then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzuzi/a_man_and_a_woman_walk_into_an_elevator/
%
We should have known communism would fail

In hindsight there were a lot of red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzua4/we_should_have_known_communism_would_fail/
%
Wife or Girlfriend

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment." The mathematician: "A wife. You have security." The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzsry/wife_or_girlfriend/
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3 1/2 Inches is the avg size a woman needs to be happy.

MasterCard, Visa, American Express, ect...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzq9q/3_12_inches_is_the_avg_size_a_woman_needs_to_be/
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A Young Man goes home after his first "Proper" Physical

He comes home to find his dad, sitting in the living room, reading a newspaper. Having a desire to talk about what had occurred to him, the young man starts a conversation with his father.  "Hi Dad."
The father barely looks up and says, "Hello Son, how was your first prostate exam?"
The son blushes, not expecting his father to get to the heart of the situation so quickly and says "Well uhhhh, let's just say I'm not going to be looking forward to the next one."
The father chuckles and says "Don't worry about it. It doesn't get REALLY bad until you hit my age. Last time I was there I was down on all fours, the doctor had his left hand on my shoulder..."
The father pauses, as if trying to remember something and says "No... It was his... Right hand that had my shoulder."
He pauses again and says "You know now that I think about it he had both of his hands on my shoulders."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzpwk/a_young_man_goes_home_after_his_first_proper/
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What did Hillary Clinton do when her email was hacked?

She asked Donald Trump to build a firewall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzotr/what_did_hillary_clinton_do_when_her_email_was/
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A sheep, Don Trump and a snake all fall off a ledge

Baa Dumb Tiss!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zznv4/a_sheep_don_trump_and_a_snake_all_fall_off_a_ledge/
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The Sahara desert walks into a bar.

The barman says "long time no sea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzns8/the_sahara_desert_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a russian tree?

Dimitree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zznki/what_do_you_call_a_russian_tree/
%
Three women were shopping at the market place in a foreign country...

A ravishing brunette, a scientist redhead, and a famous Blonde. As they explore the area, they find a fancy antique store with various interesting items, but the most alluring was a big oval mirror with a golden exquisite frame.
&nbsp;
So they ask the owner about it, and he says "ah, a very good eye you have, this is a special mirror which some say is cursed, others say it is a blessing." He continues "it is said if you stand in front of the mirror alone and say something that is true, you will have a wish granted, but if you say something which happens to be false, you will disappear from existence".
&nbsp;
The three women look at each other and decide they will take it.
&nbsp;
So when they finally have it at home they want to try it out. The first, redhead scientist, stands before the mirror and says "i think i'm smartest woman in the world"
&nbsp;
POOF! she disappears.
Next the gorgeous brunette stands before the mirror and exclaims "i think i'm the most beautiful woman in the world"
&nbsp;
POOF! she disappears.
The blonde, somewhat nervous walks up to the mirror and says "I think.."
&nbsp;
POOF! She disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zznj7/three_women_were_shopping_at_the_market_place_in/
%
Walking the dog

A man is walking his dog, a Rottweiler, through the forest on a hot summer’s day when he comes to a clearing. In the clearing there’s a natural pond so he sits by the water, just enjoying the view and the peace, his dog lying by his side. He hears a noise and turns round to see another dog, a Golden Retriever, coming through the trees, followed by the most beautiful blonde woman he’s ever seen.
The women smiles and sits next to him, seemingly also enjoying the view and the peace. After a while she points at their two dogs lapping at the water and she smiles and says “They’ve got the right idea”. She takes a couple of cans of beer from her backpack and passes one to him. They sit there in silence for a bit longer, sipping their cold beers.
Then the woman points at their two dogs, now swimming in the pond, and she smiles and says “They’ve got the right idea”. She strips down to her underwear and slips into the water. The man quickly strips to his underpants and dives into the water, which is cold and refreshing.
After a few minutes of splashing and swimming, the woman again points to their two dogs, now on the grassy bank by the water, fucking vigorously, and she says “They’ve got the right idea”. She languidly climbs out of the water, slips out of her underwear and lays on the grass, waiting.
He can’t contain his excitement, so he too climbs from the water, removes his underpants and lays next to the woman, turns to her and says “Are you sure your dog won’t mind?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzl34/walking_the_dog/
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What's the difference between astronomy and gastronomy?

Astronomy is about things too big to wrap your head around, while gastronomy is about things small enough to wrap your head around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzkeq/whats_the_difference_between_astronomy_and/
%
Why do feminist hate the bible?

Because it ends with A-men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzhfw/why_do_feminist_hate_the_bible/
%
For some reason, I'm not in The Guinness Book of Records.

Even though I was *definitely* the first person ever to touch my penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzhe0/for_some_reason_im_not_in_the_guinness_book_of/
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I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum.

It still has potential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzg7e/i_was_writing_a_joke_about_a_stone_rolling_up_a/
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People wonder why I call my toilet "the Jim" instead of "the John"

I do it so I can say "I go to the Jim first thing every morning"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzg5n/people_wonder_why_i_call_my_toilet_the_jim/
%
My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."

I wish I'd thought of that quote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzcp2/my_grandfather_always_said_be_envied_not_envious/
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A man on his Harley..

..was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"
😀

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzch0/a_man_on_his_harley/
%
Birth

Paddy's wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.On arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?"To which paddy relies,"Oh Jaysus we"re both over the fucking moon!!..:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzcc7/birth/
%
A very jealous husband would call his wife from work everyday " where are you ?"

And everyday she would respond "I'm at home honey"..................
" oh yeah ? Well turn on the blender  , I wanna hear it"............................. And she would turn on the blender,  brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm. ............. This would go on day after day . One day he decides to leave early from work and  surprise his wife . he gets  home and finds the kids all by themselves. He screams at  them " "WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR MOTHER?"
One of the kids replies " I dunno  where she went ,but she took the blender"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzbk3/a_very_jealous_husband_would_call_his_wife_from/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zzal9/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
My Dog

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zz98o/my_dog/
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The number of occupants exceeds the maximum allowable number for fire safety, and thus the bartender throws them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zz893/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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So 3 men went to a hotel

They each stayed in 3 separate rooms
One stayed at the top floor
One stayed in the middle floor
And one Stayed in the bottom floor.
On the checkout:
Counter:
"How was your stay sir?"
Man 1:
"Horrible! I dropped my shaver off the balcony!"
Counter:
"How was your stay sir?"
Man 2:
"Horrible! A shaver fell from the balcony and somehow cut my dick off!"
Counter:
"How was your stay sir?"
Man 3:
"AMAZING! I was having a barbecue and one sausauge fell from the air into the grill!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zyzx2/so_3_men_went_to_a_hotel/
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Being Muslim is tough

Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zyy2r/being_muslim_is_tough/
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If you need an ark built...

I Noah guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zyw90/if_you_need_an_ark_built/
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What does a fish say when it hits a concrete wall?

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zyv2z/what_does_a_fish_say_when_it_hits_a_concrete_wall/
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Whenever I have sex, it's always a race to see who cums first....

Me or the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zyuog/whenever_i_have_sex_its_always_a_race_to_see_who/
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What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?

I missed you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zypyg/what_did_the_sniper_say_to_his_wife_when_he_came/
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What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zyp95/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
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What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?

Viola.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zyotf/what_did_the_violin_say_when_it_finally_played/
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A family is at a dinner table...

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zyoi7/a_family_is_at_a_dinner_table/
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A huge muscular man with a tiny head walks into a bar

Everyone stares at him because there impressed by his muscular physique, but there also shocked with his tiny head in contrast to his huge body. So the man walks up to order a drink and the bartender says" im not gay or anything, but I'm impressed by your physique it's amazing, but why do you have such a little head". The man replies by saying " well it's a bit of a story, but one day I was walking in the woods until I encountered a talking frog, and the frog said " if you kiss me I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes". Then suddenly that frog turned into a beautiful naked women who then said" you now have 3 wishes, what do you wish for", I then said " I wish I had Arnold Schwarzeneggers body". Then my clothes rip from the huge body transformation, and I Had Arnold Schwarzenegger physique. The lady then said " what is your second wish", I said " I wish to have sex with you". We start engaging in sex, and in the middle of enjoyment the beautiful women whispers to me" you have one more wish" I then said " how a about a little head"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zyi3b/a_huge_muscular_man_with_a_tiny_head_walks_into_a/
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OCD

My little cousin has been diagnosed with an unusual case of OCD where all he does all day is organise dinner plates by the year they were made,
It's an extremely rare dish-order........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zyf4w/ocd/
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When I was a little boy

I asked my mum 'how many is a couple?' She replied 'oh, two or three'
Now I know why her marriage didn't last long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zyema/when_i_was_a_little_boy/
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Roses are Red, Violets are blue......

who killed harambe?
Cincinnati zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zycje/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer...
The second orders half a beer...
The third orders one quarter of a beer...
The fourth orders one eighth of a beer...
The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies "cmon guys, know your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zybwe/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last as long if you're fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zy72w/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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An elderly couple is enjoying a lovely breakfast.

The wife sets down her fork and asks her husband "Bill, would you remarry if I were to die?"
Her husband avoided the question "Now Margaret, why would you ruin this lovely morning by bringing up such a macabre topic? I won't discuss it."
Margaret broached the subject several times over the next few days but Bill refused to answer. Until one evening.
"YES! Yes, Margaret I would remarry. I love you but if you died I would remarry."
"Well would you keep the house and live with her, here?"
"Yes, we would live here. I have too many memories and wouldn't want to leave."
"Well, would you keep our bed and sleep with her  in it?"
"Yes Margaret, we would sleep in our bed. It's just a bed."
Margaret thinks about it for a few minutes, clearly not happy with Bill's answers. "I suppose that I will be dead and it won't matter. Just promise me one thing Bill. Don't let her use my golf clubs."
"Of course not Margaret. She's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zy51p/an_elderly_couple_is_enjoying_a_lovely_breakfast/
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Why did the computer programmer put his brownies back in the oven?

They were too GUI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zy4qc/why_did_the_computer_programmer_put_his_brownies/
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Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles- he had just one weakness. Except instead of his heel it was his groin. You may have heard of "Achilles' heel", but have you heard of "Bophades' nuts"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zy3pa/have_you_heard_of_the_ancient_greek_hero_bophades/
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Why can't Buddhist monks vacuum in the corners?

They have no attachments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zy2ex/why_cant_buddhist_monks_vacuum_in_the_corners/
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Why did the redneck cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zy166/why_did_the_redneck_cross_the_road/
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Daughter 1: Dad, I'm lesbian.

Daughter 2: Dad, I'm also a lesbian.
Father: Isn't there anyone in this family who likes dick?
Son: Yeah dad, I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zy0sl/daughter_1_dad_im_lesbian/
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Sure, as a white man I can't say the n word...

But I can say things like, "thanks for the warning officer" and "hey dad".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zy04i/sure_as_a_white_man_i_cant_say_the_n_word/
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Girls are like blackjack…

I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zxwu0/girls_are_like_blackjack/
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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry..

As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they'd spend it.
The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover, telling him ''I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much''
The second girlfriend went shopping and bought the man some new golf clubs, an 80 inch 4k TV and an iPad, telling him ''I bought you gifts because I love you so much''
The third girlfriend did some research into the stock market and made some careful investments with the $5k and doubled his money. She took $5k and returned it to him and reinvested the remaining $5k saying ''I love you so much I invested for our future together''
The man thought long and hard about the way each of his girlfriends had invested the money, and then he decided on the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zxvah/a_man_had_three_beautiful_girlfriends_but_didnt/
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What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.
credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zxslb/whats_at_the_centre_of_no_mans_sky_universe/
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My friend said that he was going to the Microsoft store...

I asked if he was gonna buy something or if he was just going Windows shopping....
Credit to u/UnknownFiddler
https://www.reddit.com/r/pcmasterrace/comments/4zwb7p/friend_went_to_a_microsoft_store/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zxsaw/my_friend_said_that_he_was_going_to_the_microsoft/
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A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door...

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.
Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zxrlx/a_jehovahs_witness_knocks_on_a_jews_door/
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My Late Grandfather's Favorite Joke: The proctologist and the cardiologist

A proctologist and a cardiologist are closing their tab.
The bartender brings the check.
The proctologist says "they're on me" while reaching into his shirt-pocket.
He proceeds to pull out a thermometer and exclaims, "Great, some *ass-hole* walked off with my pen"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zxpzo/my_late_grandfathers_favorite_joke_the/
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I heard a crazy train engineer in Mexico killed a bunch of people last week.

Yeah. He had a loco motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zxozo/i_heard_a_crazy_train_engineer_in_mexico_killed_a/
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I told my husband I'm pregnant.

He said "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zxklr/i_told_my_husband_im_pregnant/
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Why did they make economists?

To make the weather guys look good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zxhqk/why_did_they_make_economists/
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Why did the prostitute join the Mormon church?

She wanted a high paying missionary position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zxhf0/why_did_the_prostitute_join_the_mormon_church/
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Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home

One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zxha3/teacher_whoever_answers_my_next_question_can_go/
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My German plumber accidentally hooked up my gas line to my shower...

Looks like old habits die hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zxgrq/my_german_plumber_accidentally_hooked_up_my_gas/
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What does a redneck Buddhist believe in?

Reintarnation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zxei3/what_does_a_redneck_buddhist_believe_in/
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(Corny)-What do you call a mermaid on a roof?

Aerial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zxan3/cornywhat_do_you_call_a_mermaid_on_a_roof/
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A dying man

A man is driving to meet a friend at her house, a pretty girl whom he has a crush on. He plans to ask her on a date. He's having second thoughts and is beyond nervous. Suddenly, an 18-wheeler slams into the side of his car, totalling it and nearly killing him.
Around the operating table, surgeons debate how they're going to save him. One suggests that his critical condition is a result of his organs being rearranged in the accident. "We have to put them back," he says.
So the head surgeon quickly removes the dying man's intestines and stomach and works his way up. "I think I severed one of the intestines," he says to the others.
"What?!" exclaims another. "The poor man, he was just on his way to ask a woman on a date."
"Well," the first surgeon continues, "he has no guts, but his heart's in the right place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zx8tp/a_dying_man/
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What does the sign on an out of business brothel say?

Beat it, we're closed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zx1ou/what_does_the_sign_on_an_out_of_business_brothel/
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Hey girl , is the cosine of you positive?

Cos you're acute angle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zx1i3/hey_girl_is_the_cosine_of_you_positive/
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What do you call an angry witch?

Ribbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwya0/what_do_you_call_an_angry_witch/
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What is the difference between a Caucasian and an Asian?

A Cauc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwy1l/what_is_the_difference_between_a_caucasian_and_an/
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Two silkworms are in a race. What is the result?

A tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwtva/two_silkworms_are_in_a_race_what_is_the_result/
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I recently invented a new word to describe a lot of the jokes on the subreddit.

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwtmy/i_recently_invented_a_new_word_to_describe_a_lot/
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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress. They’re asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car collecting donations....”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwtkj/a_driver_was_stuck_in_a_traffic_jam_on_the/
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A guy comes home drunk

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.
He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”
Probably already been posted but it is one of my favorite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwr1h/a_guy_comes_home_drunk/
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Two straight guys and a gay guy went on a cruise.....

.......with their significant others. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny."
Then came the second straight guy."Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwqq5/two_straight_guys_and_a_gay_guy_went_on_a_cruise/
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A cop pulls a driver over for speeding

The driver says, "C'mon, everyone on the road was breaking the speed limit."
The cop nods and says, "Tell me, have you ever been fishing?"
"Yeah... What's that got to do with it?"
"Did you catch *all* the fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwmio/a_cop_pulls_a_driver_over_for_speeding/
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I saw a girl who was very striking

So to even things out I hit on her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwmf0/i_saw_a_girl_who_was_very_striking/
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Baby monitors are magical

When I turn it off my baby stops crying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwh60/baby_monitors_are_magical/
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What does a rock put on when it stinks?

Geodorant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwdws/what_does_a_rock_put_on_when_it_stinks/
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What do you call a nun in a car?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwdeg/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_car/
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A grandfather takes his grandson on a fishing trip.

It's about midday, and the grandfather reaches in the cooler and pulls out a beer. The boy looks over, excited, and says, "Well I say Grandpa! That looks pretty good! Can I have one?"
The Grandfather thinks for a moment and asks, "Can you make your dick touch your asshole?"
Bashful, and confused, the boy stammers out his response. "I.. well... no. It's not big enough yet."
The Grandfather smiles and says, "Well, m'boy, you aren't old enough then."
The boy mumbles something under his breath, reaches into the cooler, and retrieves his sack lunch. He starts eating a sandwich his mother packed for him.
A little while later, Grandpa pulls a cigarette out of his breast pocket and lights it. The boy decides to try his luck again.
"Well, I say, Grandpa! That looks pretty good! Can I try one of those?" He smiles hopefully.
Grandpa smirks. "Boy, what did I say? Can your dick touch your asshole or not?"
The boy sighs. "No, it can't."
"Then you're not old enough, are ya?" The Grandpa looks pretty pleased with himself while he puffs on his cigarette.
The boy reaches into his sack, pulls out some cookies, and starts eating them.
"Well, I say, boy! Those look pretty good! Can I have one of your cookies?" Grandpa asks.
The boy thinks about it for a moment and asks, "Can you make your dick touch your asshole?"
His grandfather sits up proudly and exclaims, "Why yes I can!"
The boy smiles. "Good. Go fuck yourself then. These are *my* cookies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwdai/a_grandfather_takes_his_grandson_on_a_fishing_trip/
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My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar...

...so I have to fill her slot instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwd7p/my_colleague_can_no_longer_attend_next_weeks/
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What do you call a hen staring at lettuce?

Chicken sees-a salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwd4n/what_do_you_call_a_hen_staring_at_lettuce/
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How are cats like empty wine bottles?

I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwcsh/how_are_cats_like_empty_wine_bottles/
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An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...

It was secondhand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zwc8s/an_amputee_found_a_cheap_artificial_arm_for_sale/
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(Corny)-Why did the grave keeper build a fence around the grave yard?

Cuz everyone was dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zw9w2/cornywhy_did_the_grave_keeper_build_a_fence/
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I was at an airport recently and there was a aircraft that was pure white.

Looked pretty plane to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zw9to/i_was_at_an_airport_recently_and_there_was_a/
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Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...

"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zw9ej/hillary_clinton_has_a_seizure_during_the_debate/
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Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zw8z1/neil_degrasse_tyson_and_mike_tyson_have_something/
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A mortician is working late...

when his assistant comes out of the back and says "you won't believe this! This dead woman has a shrimp in her pussy!"
The mortician says, "no way, that's ridiculous."
They both go back to where the bodies are kept and the assistant points and says, "look, right there. That's a shrimp in her pussy."
The mortician says, "That's not a shrimp. That's her clitoris."
The assistant replies, "well it sure tastes like shrimp!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zw82h/a_mortician_is_working_late/
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lady sneezes on a plane

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zw4yj/lady_sneezes_on_a_plane/
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How to win an argument with a deaf girl?

Turn off the lights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zw4u4/how_to_win_an_argument_with_a_deaf_girl/
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What do you call a subtle Norse god?

Low-key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zw2ml/what_do_you_call_a_subtle_norse_god/
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said to my wife...

I can make a car out of noodles.
NO YOU CAN'T she said.
...should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zw1x0/said_to_my_wife/
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A scientist, a doctor and a janitor discover an old lamp...

The scientist rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie pops out! "Thank you for releasing me!" said the genie, "You can have anything you like, providing you do one days work of a different profession. You may choose what you want to do." The scientist goes first, "Well I've always thought that being a kindergarten teacher would be an easy job." BAM! The scientist is transported to a kindergarten. The scientist begins his lesson by assigning the children a spelling test but the children are a rowdy bunch and after 10 minutes of having various stationary thrown at him he snapped his pencils and quit.
The doctor goes next, "Well being a waiter seems an easy job, just taking orders for people all day. I'd like to do that." BAM! The doctor is transported to a busy restaurant. After dealing with unruly customers for an hour, he finally loses his patience when a customer complains about his food. He drops his plates and storms out of the restaurant.
The janitor then takes his turn, "Well I'd love to be an artist." BAM! He was transported to the kindergarten where he made a sculpture out of the various broken stationary. He then walked over to the busy restaurant and did the same with the broken plates. An arts dealer saw his work, came over and gave him £1 million for both sculptures. The genie was flabbergasted, "Wow," he said, "Where did you learn to do that?"
"Well," the janitor said, "I have an art degree."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zw16u/a_scientist_a_doctor_and_a_janitor_discover_an/
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An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.
He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"
Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"
The old man, being persistent said "Fine, $1,000 dollars to lick your nipples! That's a fair offer."
To which the lady replied "What kind of woman do you think I am? Leave me alone or I'll call the cops!"
The old man, still not giving up, says "$10,000 dollars to lick your nipples, final offer!"
The lady's eyes got huge and she said "Well.... 10 grand is a lot of money....I guess if no one was around us then maybe...."
The old man says "Great!  Let's just go back behind this bar where nobody is and then we'll be out of sight!"
The old man leads the beautiful lady to the back of the bar.
She says, "Let's get this over with."
She drops down her dress far enough to where her breasts are fully exposed.
The old man starts squeezing on them, rubbing his face all over and in between them, pinching the nipples softly with his fingers and kissing all over her breasts.
She finally speaks up and says, "Are you going to lick my nipples or not? Let's get this over with!"
The old man replied, "Nope!  Too expensive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zvry2/an_old_man_offered_a_lady_100_to_lick_her_nipples/
%
Three logicians walk into another bar

The bartender asks: "Does anyone want a drink?"
The first logician says: "Yes!"
The second logician says: "Yes!"
The third logician says: "Yes!"
The bartender pours drinks for all of them.
The second logician says: "I didn't want a drink."
The third logician says: "Neither did I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zvr61/three_logicians_walk_into_another_bar/
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Why is the number of black priests so small?

Most of them run away after being called father once or twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zvqls/why_is_the_number_of_black_priests_so_small/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one. They hold the bulb and expect the world to revolve around them.
Thanks u/HapaHeather

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zvjqv/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
This little old lady goes to the doctor

and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent." The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zvj7h/this_little_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Whistleblower reveals that the government is concealing cracks in Hoover Dam.

FBI is still looking for concrete evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zviho/whistleblower_reveals_that_the_government_is/
%
Dark humor is like food...

...Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zvdyu/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
A group of protesters gather outside a physics lab

"What do we want?"
"Time travel"
"When do we want it?"
"Irrelevant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zvdy6/a_group_of_protesters_gather_outside_a_physics_lab/
%
What do you call someone who takes things literally?

A kleptomaniac!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zvdo5/what_do_you_call_someone_who_takes_things/
%
Why do clowns make bad entrepreneurs?

Because they're into some funny business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zva1w/why_do_clowns_make_bad_entrepreneurs/
%
Why did the chicken fall in the well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zv8y1/why_did_the_chicken_fall_in_the_well/
%
A logician's wife is having a baby

The doctor hands the newborn immediately to the Father.
His wife asks impatiently: "well, is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician replies: "yes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zv8td/a_logicians_wife_is_having_a_baby/
%
A billionaire commissions an artist to paint a mural in one of his currently white walls in his mansion...

The billionaire is a huge history buff. He tells the artist to depict his interpretation of the final thoughts of General Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn. He trusts the highly recommended artist that upon his return in a week, the mural will be incredible.
The billionaire returns a week later to see the work completed. He's aghast when the mural is a massive bovine with angel wings and a halo hovering above a field of native Americans having a disgraceful orgy.
They are double-teaming, 69'ing, wheelbarrowing, fisting, and other debauchery.
He calls the artist on his commune's public phone and lays into him. "What the hell is this?"
"Well, after thinking about it long and hard,  I decided his last thoughts were: Holy cow; that's a lot of fucking Indians."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zv73w/a_billionaire_commissions_an_artist_to_paint_a/
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When I first got my student loans, I thought they were great.

Now, they're outstanding!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zv4ku/when_i_first_got_my_student_loans_i_thought_they/
%
Why do Italian men wear gold chains?

So they know where to stop shaving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zv3xi/why_do_italian_men_wear_gold_chains/
%
Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes.

OH MY GOD THEY'RE CHINESE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zv3ao/dont_fire_till_you_see_the_whites_of_their_eyes/
%
Relationships are like algebra

You always look at your x and try to figure out y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zv16k/relationships_are_like_algebra/
%
My dog saw a sign on a wall that said "wet paint"...

So he did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zv02i/my_dog_saw_a_sign_on_a_wall_that_said_wet_paint/
%
A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"

So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zuzoz/a_police_officer_pulled_me_over_and_said_sir/
%
Why did the melons have a big wedding?

Well, they cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zuyzn/why_did_the_melons_have_a_big_wedding/
%
Today at the bank, a little old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So, I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zuyeu/today_at_the_bank_a_little_old_lady_asked_me_to/
%
What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla?

People actually care if a gorilla dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zuwbe/whats_the_difference_between_a_small_child_and_a/
%
I asked my cat "Who is your favorite President of China?"

According to her it's Mao.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zuw3k/i_asked_my_cat_who_is_your_favorite_president_of/
%
So a Muslim man walks into an elementary school...

To pick up his wives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zus5r/so_a_muslim_man_walks_into_an_elementary_school/
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I saw an ironing board with wrinkles in it

I thought that was pretty ironic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zurqg/i_saw_an_ironing_board_with_wrinkles_in_it/
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Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zupg6/why_did_the_pervert_cross_the_road/
%
so that's the reason

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?
There was no chemistry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zunj0/so_thats_the_reason/
%
Two mathematics professors are sitting in a restaurant.

The first one says: "The average person is, mathematically, an idiot. People don't know algebra, can't figure out percents, can't read a simple graph, and don't even get me started on calculus..."
The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they need to know, or more."
Some time later, the first professor goes to the men's room. The other mathematician beckons to the waitress and says, "Next time you come to our table, I am going to ask you a question. No matter what I ask, I want you to answer by saying 'x-squared'. Please don't mess it up and there's an extra tip coming your way."
The waitress agrees. When the first mathematician returns, his companion says, "So lets put your theory to the test. I am going to ask some random person who comes by our table an elementary calculus question, and we'll see if they can solve it."
Soon the waitress comes by and he says, "Excuse me, Miss, can you bring me more tea, please -- and by the way -- can you tell me what the integral of 2x with respect to x is?"
The waitress replies, "Certainly sir, more tea it is. And it's x-squared."
The mathematician says, "See! What did I tell you?" His friend is dumbfounded.
The waitress, meanwhile, goes to bring tea, and, having turned her back on the two professors, mutters under her breath: "Plus a constant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zuj0z/two_mathematics_professors_are_sitting_in_a/
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I argued constantly with my boss, so in the end I got the sack

And buried him in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zui4e/i_argued_constantly_with_my_boss_so_in_the_end_i/
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What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Massive sandwiches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zug46/what_was_the_best_thing_before_sliced_bread/
%
A Nazi Redditor walks into a B.A.R

He died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zuf7n/a_nazi_redditor_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a homosexual Frenchman?

A faguette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zud81/what_do_you_call_a_homosexual_frenchman/
%
A man has been unemployed for a long time...

finally, with the release of Stephen King's remade 'It', he gets a job posting huge billboards around the city. After some weeks however the movie was slumping, so in a desperate effort for publicity, the advertisers sent the man back out with crimson paint and a paint brush and told to give all the clowns a 'bleeding face' effect.
Mid-job, covered in paint, and late into the evening, the police spot him and surround him with guns drawn.
"No, No" he screams, "you don't understand! I'm a red It poster!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zucni/a_man_has_been_unemployed_for_a_long_time/
%
How do you fix a deaf car?

With an engin*eer.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zucja/how_do_you_fix_a_deaf_car/
%
A jewish couple where walking the streets of Rome on vacation.

They walk past a fancy restaurant and  the wife  says " mmm that place smells amazing!". The Husband replies "   You're right it does smell really good. If you want  on the way back  to the hotel  we can walk  by this same place again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zuc1s/a_jewish_couple_where_walking_the_streets_of_rome/
%
A guy walks into a bar

Tells the bartender "I'll bet you $100.00 I can chug your biggest pitcher of beer in less than 10 seconds"
Bartender gives him a gallon pitcher and the guy chugs it in 9 seconds so bartender pays him.
A little while later the guy says "I'll bet you another $100.00 I can chug two of those pitchers in less than 10 seconds"
Bartender figures the first time took 9 seconds so takes the bet.  Sure enough the guy slams two gallons in 9.5 seconds. A little while later he calls the bartender back over - this time the bartender says "I'm done betting with you"
The guys says "here me out, the bet is $500.00 you take your smallest shot glass, place it 4 feet in front of me on the bar, I will stand on the bar and piss in it, fill it to the top and not spill a drop"
Bartender says "you're on!" - places the shot glass, the guy stands on the bar and pisses everywhere, not a single drop in the glass.  As the bartender collects his winnings and is laughing as he is wiping up the piss he sees the guy smiling.  The bartender asks "hey, what's up, I just won back my $200.00 plus another $300.00 and you seem happy"
The guy replies "well yeah, you see that guy over in the corner crying? Well I bet him $2,000.00 that I would stand up, piss all over your bar and you would wipe it up with a smile!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zubwz/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A son asks his dad what's the difference between Confident and Confidential

The dad explains:
You are my son of that I am confident.
Your friend Billy across the street is also my son, that is Confidential
edit grammar for /r/Fudgegoblin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zua5f/a_son_asks_his_dad_whats_the_difference_between/
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Forget everything you learned in college...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zu8ii/forget_everything_you_learned_in_college/
%
Politician (noun):

Someone who will lay down your life for his country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zu7p6/politician_noun/
%
How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zu7ag/how_does_an_apple_watch_owner_know_that_its_midday/
%
I went to meet up with my friends...

I went to meet up with my friends. I walked in and they all said hi. "We were just talking about you!" "Where's Tommy?" I said. "I don't know, but I'm glad he's not here." "Me niether, he's sooo annoying." "I don't like him at all." Just then, Tommy wlaked in. One of my friends daid,"Hi Tommy, we were just talking about you!"
Never been so proud of my own joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zu56g/i_went_to_meet_up_with_my_friends/
%
Why did the cow return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zu4v9/why_did_the_cow_return_to_the_marijuana_field/
%
As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine

As I got older I realized it was just a phase

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zu1p2/as_a_child_i_was_obsessed_with_the_difference/
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What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger says, "Hey you, get offa' my cloud."
A Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud, get offa' my ewe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zu1gh/whats_the_difference_between_mick_jagger_and_a/
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I wrote a song about a tortilla...

Well, actually, it’s more of a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zu1gc/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
%
I totally understand how batteries feel...

...because I’m rarely ever included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ztx0r/i_totally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
%
A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first?

The bystander with the camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ztt0n/a_cop_is_confronted_by_a_white_guy_with_a_gun_and/
%
What is the volume of a disk with radius z and height a?

Pi * z * z * a

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ztrnr/what_is_the_volume_of_a_disk_with_radius_z_and/
%
Why didn't the circle want to become 3 dimensional?

S'fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ztpjf/why_didnt_the_circle_want_to_become_3_dimensional/
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I asked a pregnant woman what cup size she was.

She said 500ml.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ztodn/i_asked_a_pregnant_woman_what_cup_size_she_was/
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If this doesn't bring a tear to your eyes you must have a heart made of stone.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zto09/if_this_doesnt_bring_a_tear_to_your_eyes_you_must/
%
When you criticize a person, walk a mile in his shoes...

then you'll be a mile away and in his shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ztm9h/when_you_criticize_a_person_walk_a_mile_in_his/
%
How much did Harambe drink in the bar?

Just a couple of shots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ztlt5/how_much_did_harambe_drink_in_the_bar/
%
The blonde reported for her University final examination ...

A blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no"
type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question
paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a
coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and
No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is
sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and
sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ztloo/the_blonde_reported_for_her_university_final/
%
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I am forever in your debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ztlhm/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/
%
A new monk arrives at a monastery...

At this particular monastery their job is to copy old religious texts and manuscripts, day in and day out, so the new monk gets to work. Eventually however, he notices that they are making copies of copies.
He goes to the head monk and explains how this could cause problems with translation. Over the years, the copies would get worse and worse, sort of like a bad game of telephone. The head monk agrees and decides to send the new monk down to the archives to double check everything.
So the head monk takes him down there and leaves for a while. After a few hours the head monk goes down to check on the new monk's progress, and the new monk is banging his head against the wall crying, "We missed the 'r', we missed the 'r'!". The head monk asks him what he means, and the new monk replies, "The word is 'celebrate'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ztfat/a_new_monk_arrives_at_a_monastery/
%
My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum.

"I'm sick of you coming home from the pub drunk out of your mind," she yelled.
"Oh yeah?" I said, burping.
"It's either me or the pub," she said.
I thought well, the pub has better company, but my house has bitter on tap...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zter6/my_girlfriend_gave_me_an_ultimatum/
%
What is the dankest kind of pizza?

Pepe-roni

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ztep9/what_is_the_dankest_kind_of_pizza/
%
One day at a MacDonald's.....

....a young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ztdsh/one_day_at_a_macdonalds/
%
A recent study conducted in Germany by Professor Bernd Ottovordemgentschenfelde proves that 99.9% of people

skip his name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ztddq/a_recent_study_conducted_in_germany_by_professor/
%
A guy applies for a job with the N.Y.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ztbiw/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_with_the_nypd/
%
What's a feminists favorite music festival?

Burning Man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zt1kx/whats_a_feminists_favorite_music_festival/
%
Good animal joke

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zszlp/good_animal_joke/
%
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zszi4/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_two_brain_cells/
%
A man walks into a bar, orders a shot and immediately...

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"
"Oh yeah, he shit my pants, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zszgi/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_orders_a_shot_and/
%
[OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.
One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.
Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on the old man’s head had been cut . The granddaughter would often come to visit to see how her grandfather and the dog were doing, and she was always glad to see that her grandfather was still happy. But at night, the old man would still sit in front of the fireplace with Life on his lap, gazing into the fireplace as flames cast dancing shadows across the room and he fell asleep to thoughts of his old smithing days.
One morning as the old man was getting the morning newspaper from the front porch, Life sprinted past him through the front door because he had spotted a squirrel across the street. Before the little dog could catch up with his prey, a speeding car struck the poor animal. The car came to a screeching halt and the old man hobbled as quickly as his old legs could carry them to his precious companion who lay whimpering on the side of the road. The little dog was alive but badly injured. The man who was driving the car got out to apologize to the old man, but his regrets went unnoticed by the weeping old man who only wanted to tend to his injured dog. Life’s two hind legs appeared limp and broken and the dog panted and whimpered as the old man carried him back into the house. The old man knew that his dog’s injuries required medical attention but because he was out of work, he wasn’t able to afford a veterinarian. Determined, the old man did the only thing he knew how to do. He found some of his old blacksmithing tools and scrap metal from his garage and proceeded to start a fire in his fireplace. His hands lacked the strength and precision they once had but eventually, he was able to forge a crude set of brackets that would hold the dog’s legs in place as his injuries healed. The old man tended to dog’s every need until eventually, Life was able to stand up on his own and soon enough, the dog could walk, and after a few more weeks, he could even manage a awkward, limping run. Unfortunately, the old blacksmith’s craftsmanship was lacking due to his own previous injuries and the braces that he had forged would often break when the dog ran too quickly, so the old man found himself back at the fireplace with his tools forging replacement parts for his little dog’s leg braces. It was tiresome, difficult work with his old frail hands, but he was determined to give his dog the best life that he could, so he kept at it.
One day, as the old man was forging a new set of parts for his dog’s leg braces, an ember jumped from the fireplace, catching the carpet on fire. The old man couldn’t get to the kitchen quickly enough to get a pail of water to put the fire out and tragically, the old blacksmith and his dog both perished as the house was engulfed in flames.
The next day, the granddaughter and her father came to where the old blacksmith’s house once stood and they began to search through the ashes and rubble for anything they could salvage as a keepsake of their lost loved one. “You know,” said the girl to her father, “I’m really happy that grandpa’s last years were as joyful as they were. Even though he was really sad that he couldn’t make a living as a blacksmith anymore, he really did seem happy after I brought him that puppy.” “Yes dear,” said the father. The daughter continued, “But isn’t it sad how his house was burnt down when he was making one of those leg braces for his dog?” The father looked down and picked up a small piece of metal from the ashes and said “That’s one of Life’s little iron knees.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zsxz9/oc_an_old_blacksmith_was_working_in_his_shop/
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Selling Coke.

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.
So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place".
"That should have worked", said the friend."
He replied, "Well, I didn't know Arabic, neither did I realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zsx94/selling_coke/
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Did you hear about the Italian husband who was talking during his sleep?

He ended up giving his wife a black eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zswbd/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_husband_who_was/
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A hipster politician was found dead today of an apparent suicide.

He won the popular vote and just couldn't handle it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zsw5a/a_hipster_politician_was_found_dead_today_of_an/
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How does Bob Ross masturbate?

He beats the devil out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zsv7c/how_does_bob_ross_masturbate/
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What do you call a "gay" milkman?

Dairy Queen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zst6i/what_do_you_call_a_gay_milkman/
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I hear they're now calling it 96 instead of 69

Because it costs more to eat out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zsrss/i_hear_theyre_now_calling_it_96_instead_of_69/
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What's the difference between golfers and skydivers?

Golfers: *smack* Shit!
Skydivers: Shit! *smack*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zsr2s/whats_the_difference_between_golfers_and_skydivers/
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Two utensils are laying in bed...

One turns to the other and says "wanna spoon?"
The other replied, "no, I'd rather fork."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zsosb/two_utensils_are_laying_in_bed/
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Why do historians say Hitler was a great mathematician?

He could always find the final solution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zsop6/why_do_historians_say_hitler_was_a_great/
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I want to leave this world the way I entered it ...

With a woman desperately trying to get me out of her vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zsngn/i_want_to_leave_this_world_the_way_i_entered_it/
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Why are there so few casinos in Africa?

Too many cheetahs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zsjlf/why_are_there_so_few_casinos_in_africa/
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My friend asked me...

My friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2016 you can use whatever printer you want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zsj4m/my_friend_asked_me/
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Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milk shakes?

Because he uses the finest ingredients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zsdr0/why_does_michael_j_fox_make_the_best_milk_shakes/
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Confucius Say

Man who run behind car get exhausted
But man who run in front of car get tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zsd6c/confucius_say/
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My boyfriend cheated on me

So I convinced him to get matching tattoos... he went first and I went home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zsbyr/my_boyfriend_cheated_on_me/
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I only make good posts when I'm drunk...

Today I celebrate 5 years sober

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zs9u0/i_only_make_good_posts_when_im_drunk/
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Vladimir Putin was recently late to a meeting

He was really Russian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zs9kt/vladimir_putin_was_recently_late_to_a_meeting/
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What's Forest Gump's password?

1Forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zs8el/whats_forest_gumps_password/
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Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zs5wt/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

One.
But it takes the whole emergency room to remove it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zs4zo/how_many_perverts_does_it_take_to_put_in_a/
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My regular Indian taxi driver picked me up whilst singing along to his crappy Punjabi music at the top of his voice

He smiled when I pulled out my set of new ear plugs, "Looks like you've come prepared this time," he said laughing.
I smiled back at him and replied, "Yes," as I put them up my nostrils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zs2w0/my_regular_indian_taxi_driver_picked_me_up_whilst/
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How does an Alabama girl know she’s in for a crazy night?

Her daddy says he wants her in bed by ten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zs2rx/how_does_an_alabama_girl_know_shes_in_for_a_crazy/
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Three pregnant women

a redhead, brunette, and blonde, are sitting in a Doctors office waiting to find out what sex their babies will be. They start chatting while they wait and the brunette says "I've heard that if the man is on top during conception you will have a boy, so I'm definitely having a son." The redhead responds "Well if that's the case then I'm having a baby girl, because I was on top." The two women then notice that the blonde has started crying, and ask her what is wrong. Between sobs she looks up and says, "I think I'm having a puppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zrqsq/three_pregnant_women/
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The Confession

THE CONFESSION
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door.
I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.
The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor:
THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned Auto-correct changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey?
Regards, Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zrhru/the_confession/
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How are one night stands like savings accounts?

...you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zrhgh/how_are_one_night_stands_like_savings_accounts/
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1. Go to seminary.

2. Get degree.
3. ???
4. Prophet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zrh4j/1_go_to_seminary/
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"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," the bloke from over the road confided with me earlier

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zrfl1/my_wifes_just_told_me_shes_been_having_an_affair/
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I burned my Hawaiian pizza today...

I guess I should have put the oven on aloha setting...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zrf4e/i_burned_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
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What's the difference between a gun and a radical feminist?

A gun only has one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zrede/whats_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a_radical/
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I was having trouble with my fencing technique...

So I recently decided to take up fencing. I was talking to a friend about difficulties I was having with counterattacking my opponent. I'm fine with the parrying part, but it's what comes after the parry that I just can't seem to get right. He advised that I check out r/jokes. Apparently they're the best at riposting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zr96s/i_was_having_trouble_with_my_fencing_technique/
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I texted and drive sometimes

I guess we all do stupid things when we're drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zr7ct/i_texted_and_drive_sometimes/
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I watched a horror movie about pogo sticks.

Too many jump scares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zr6xf/i_watched_a_horror_movie_about_pogo_sticks/
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What is orange and sounds like a parrot ?

A carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zr67r/what_is_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?

Barackoli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zr4vk/whats_michelle_obamas_favorite_vegetable/
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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...

.... then soviet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zr408/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
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I was surprised when my dad revealed he was a mystical chemist...

He said that the world was ending and I was the only one to stop it. He handed me a blue and yellow pill and told me to swallow it. Reluctantly, I swallowed it in a big, hard gulp.
Suddenly, my legs started to run away and everything became small. I even crashed through the roof!
A dark presence started hitting my dad! He lay on the floor, shaking and aching.
"Dad! No!" I shouted, "but I'll get him back, I promise, I'm huge!"
My dad, laying in pain, whispered with his last, trembling breath...
"H-hey Huge, I'm d-dad..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zqz9u/i_was_surprised_when_my_dad_revealed_he_was_a/
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What's Trump's favorite Olympic sport?

Fencing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zquyu/whats_trumps_favorite_olympic_sport/
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A Redditor walks into a bar

He cries out in pain.
His friend asks, "How did you even walk into that? You've encountered this hundreds of times before!"
The Redditor replies, "Well, not really? It seemed like a new post."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zquxy/a_redditor_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a Mexican baptism?

Bean dip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zqucv/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_baptism/
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3 Spies

There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zqu7u/3_spies/
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When does a hunger strike stop?

When hunger strikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zqu0u/when_does_a_hunger_strike_stop/
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I recently had anal sex with my girlfriend.

It made my whole week but it made her hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zqssn/i_recently_had_anal_sex_with_my_girlfriend/
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What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

Everybody misses Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zqox0/whats_the_difference_between_everybody_and_bullets/
%
Chicken and an egg are sitting in bed...

Egg says in a angry huff "I guess we answered THAT question!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zqocw/chicken_and_an_egg_are_sitting_in_bed/
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Two cowboys come upon...

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other,
"You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up.
"Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend.
"This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says,
"Ran over me about a half hour ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zql36/two_cowboys_come_upon/
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You never know how far you're going to get with a girl on a first date.

To break the ice I go in for a tickle. It's a good bet your going to have a good night if she doesn't mind some contact with a test-tickle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zqk8q/you_never_know_how_far_youre_going_to_get_with_a/
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Why don't blind people go skydiving?

Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zqiaa/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
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THESE FUCKING LIGHTS DON'T WORK!

Sorry for yelling. I just need an outlet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zqfif/these_fucking_lights_dont_work/
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Whistleblower reveals that the government is concealing cracks in Hoover Dam.

FBI is still looking for the leak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zqff6/whistleblower_reveals_that_the_government_is/
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So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back…

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zqewl/so_i_suggested_to_my_wife_that_shed_look_sexier/
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What did the cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe?

Mitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zqehm/what_did_the_cell_say_to_his_sister_cell_when_she/
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'Do Not Touch'

Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zq5wx/do_not_touch/
%
Lock and Key

After a night out, a man was taking his date back to his apartment. Before they got to the door the woman said, "Before you open the door, I can tell how the sex will be by the way you put the key in the lock. If you miss the lock a couple of times and seem nervous I know you'll be bad. But at the same time, if you jam the key in the lock, and slam the door then I'll know you're too rough and I won't like that. So with all of that being said, how do you open a door?" The man thinks for a second and says, "Well, before I do anything with the key... I lick the lock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zq0es/lock_and_key/
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So buddy, how's life in North Korea?

I can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zpx12/so_buddy_hows_life_in_north_korea/
%
My wife was so sick this morning...

that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zpwsz/my_wife_was_so_sick_this_morning/
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I saw a man at the beach yelling, "Help, Shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zpwd6/i_saw_a_man_at_the_beach_yelling_help_shark_help/
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Hey Reddit, I wanna hear your funniest DIRTY joke.

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zpvur/hey_reddit_i_wanna_hear_your_funniest_dirty_joke/
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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zpu6h/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers/
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Local ads...

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.”
Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.”
“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.
Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zpu0j/local_ads/
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When you say "poop," your mouth make the same motion that your butthole makes when you actually poop...

... This is a rare phenomenon known as onomato-poo-a.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zpp0s/when_you_say_poop_your_mouth_make_the_same_motion/
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I love smoking weed in a home improvement store.

Best way to take your highs with your Lowe's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zpm5o/i_love_smoking_weed_in_a_home_improvement_store/
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Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?

They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zpi12/why_do_jewish_fathers_have_their_sons_circumcised/
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I have blue eyes. I got them from my father.

My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zphgq/i_have_blue_eyes_i_got_them_from_my_father/
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What do you call a dinosaur that's in a hurry?

A Prontosaur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zpfm0/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_thats_in_a_hurry/
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A man is sitting at home when he hears someone knocking at the door

Knock
Knock
Knock knock
Knock knock knock
Knock knock knock knock knock
"Who's there?"
"Fibonacci"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zpe49/a_man_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_someone/
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What do you call a scam artist who uses his vocabulary to commit crimes?

A LexiCon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zpdfp/what_do_you_call_a_scam_artist_who_uses_his/
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A white man rear ends a car...

The other driver steps out, and is an Asian man. They trade insurance and call the police to get it sorted out.
When the cop comes, he looks at the white guy, looks at the Asian man who was hit, and says to the white guy,
"How in holy hell did this man back up into you that hard? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zpa1x/a_white_man_rear_ends_a_car/
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It's National Dog Day and Women's Equality Day?

Shout out to my bitches...and dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zp9gm/its_national_dog_day_and_womens_equality_day/
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What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zp5r7/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
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Survivors of a plane crash in the middle of nowhere suddenly ran out of food

"Since we have no more food, the only option we have is cannibalism" one person said.
"But I'm vegan" said his friend.
"It's okay, the guy on the wheelchair is a vegetable"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zp3q5/survivors_of_a_plane_crash_in_the_middle_of/
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Judge : Anything you say in this court will be held against you.

Man : "Titties"
Lawyer : Fuck.. He's good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zp2ez/judge_anything_you_say_in_this_court_will_be_held/
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The Beanstalk Conquest

The other day I saw a magical beanstalk, so like any other would do - I decided to climb it. As I went up, I saw the ugliest woman I've ever seen, naked on a leaf. "Come have sex with me," she said. "Or climb higher to success."
Without thinking, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw wasn't bad at all. You'd probably do her, but she wasn't anything to brag about. She too beckoned to me saying, "come have sex with me. Or climb higher to success."
So again, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw was beautiful. I mean, really hot - the hottest I've ever seen. She also said, "come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
I could only think of what the next woman would be like, so I carried on climbing and was shocked to see an old man standing on a leaf, naked.
I was so outraged, I yelled: "Who the fuck are you?"
He replied, "I'm Cess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zp0jb/the_beanstalk_conquest/
%
Freddy from scooby doo was a candidate for mayor of L.A in the 90s

He ran on splitting up gangs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zp0gp/freddy_from_scooby_doo_was_a_candidate_for_mayor/
%
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle

he just didn't have the balls to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zozqg/its_not_that_the_man_did_not_know_how_to_juggle/
%
Why did the game console leave her husband?

He was trying to controller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zoyic/why_did_the_game_console_leave_her_husband/
%
I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days.

It's on its last legs now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zoxml/ive_been_slowly_torturing_a_centipede_for_the/
%
What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing... they fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zovyk/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/
%
Murphy is leaving the pub for the night.

He gets in the car, pulls out of the car park, and begins driving home on the highway. All of a sudden there's a tree right in the middle of the road, so he swerves out of the way.
"what in the fuck was that?" he says.
A minute later another tree pops up right in front of his face. He jerks the wheel again to avoid it and then another tree appears. Tree after tree he is weaving in and out, yelling "What the F...., Jesus Chr...., Good fucking G..." until finally the sheriff pulls him over.
"Murphy, what in the good fuck are you doing? You're all over the road!"
Murphy responds "Ahh, 'tisnt me fault, someone has planted a forrest down the middle of the highway"
The sheriff looks inside the car and says "Murphy, you're completely bollixed aren't ya? 'Tis the air freshener dangling from your mirror!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zovb7/murphy_is_leaving_the_pub_for_the_night/
%
Three logicians walk into a bar

The bartender asks: "Do you all want a drink?"
The first logician says: "I don't know."
The second logician says: "I don't know."
The third logician says: "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zosv8/three_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why don't black people dream?

Because the last guy who had a dream got shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zornj/why_dont_black_people_dream/
%
A kid gets in a taxi

The taxi driver tries to be funny and jokes with the kid, also making fun of him.
If your mom would be an idiot, what would you be?
An idiot, answers the kid.
The driver starts laughing
If your dad was a retard, what would you be?
A retard, answers the kid.
If your dad was a retard and your mom was an idiot, what would you be?
A taxi driver, answers the kid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zoqpe/a_kid_gets_in_a_taxi/
%
The Sperm is made up of Glucose........

MBBS Professor:
The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of.
A Girl raised her hand:
"Then why doesn't it
taste like Sugar?"
Suddenly silence in hall.
Girl:Oops.
Then Professor's reply was also a Medical master piece:
My dear, Thats because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your Throat
Killer .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zoqgf/the_sperm_is_made_up_of_glucose/
%
Mexican and black jokes are all the same.

Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zoqbp/mexican_and_black_jokes_are_all_the_same/
%
I'm a little sick and tired of people always saying that at one time or another, every single American president is guilty of something...

I mean, what about Lincoln?! After all, he's in a cent...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zop3n/im_a_little_sick_and_tired_of_people_always/
%
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd?

Mick Jagger yells "Hey!  You!  Get off my cloud!"
The shepherd yells "Hey!  McLeod!  Get off my ewe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zonr7/whats_the_difference_between_mick_jagger_and_a/
%
How can you spot a racist in a crowd?

They're the ones shouting "Black Lives Matter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zonan/how_can_you_spot_a_racist_in_a_crowd/
%
A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

"No." Said the farmer
"No." Said the tomato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zon7k/a_very_curious_customer_asked_a_local_tomato/
%
What's the worst part of being a paedophile?

It's hard to fit in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zon5u/whats_the_worst_part_of_being_a_paedophile/
%
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black and arrest the bulb for being broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zoif0/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I'd say being fat runs in my family..

But nobody runs in my family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zohlz/id_say_being_fat_runs_in_my_family/
%
How do you drown a hipster?

IN THE MAINSTREAM! Hahahaahhaahhaahha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zohkh/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
My mom asked me to go to the market

"Honey, please go to the market and buy 1 bottle of milk. If they have eggs, bring 6."
I came back with 6 bottles of milk.
She said: "Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?"
I said: "Because they had eggs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zoh6u/my_mom_asked_me_to_go_to_the_market/
%
Got my wife an educational toy.

It's a dildo that speaks Spanish.
Rapido Rapido Rapido.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zoevb/got_my_wife_an_educational_toy/
%
How long does it take to reach the ground from 110 stories up?

The rest of your life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zoe9v/how_long_does_it_take_to_reach_the_ground_from/
%
Young jew comes to a rabbi

- "Rabbi, I need an advice"
- "What's the problem?"
- "I want to marry a woman"
- "So marry her"
- "But I don't love her"
- "So don't marry her"
- "But she is rich"
- "Then marry her"
- "But she is old"
- "Don't marry her"
- "But her father would make me his business partner"
- "... Marry her"
- "Rabbi, I've come seeking help, and the best you can come up with is 'Marry her' or 'Don't marry her...' "
- "Then convert to Christianity"
- "What for?"
- "So that you may annoy priests with that shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zodkx/young_jew_comes_to_a_rabbi/
%
How many Bros does it take to change a lightbulb?

None cuz it's already lit af

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zodd1/how_many_bros_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
When my grandfather was ill, we covered his back in lard...

...but after that, he went downhill really fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zod3o/when_my_grandfather_was_ill_we_covered_his_back/
%
My wife wasn't happy with my mood swings, so she brought me one of those mood rings that changes color based on your mood.

We discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. And when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zobuk/my_wife_wasnt_happy_with_my_mood_swings_so_she/
%
I was having sex with my girlfriend, and thought I'd try something new

so I stopped and completely froze in motion. She asked me "What the hell are you doing?" I said " a move I saw on pornhub.. it's called buffering"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zoaw5/i_was_having_sex_with_my_girlfriend_and_thought/
%
What do you call Batman who skips church?

Christian Bail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zo8zq/what_do_you_call_batman_who_skips_church/
%
I was walking through Home Depot yesterday

when I tripped and knocked an industrial vacuum cleaner onto a bunch of carpentry tools.
It sucked on so many levels...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zo8qj/i_was_walking_through_home_depot_yesterday/
%
For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zo7vf/for_our_chemistry_exam_we_had_to_write_a_thousand/
%
A man accidentally rear-ended a car

The driver whom was rear-ended steps out of the car and, to the mans surprise, was a dwarf. He walks to the man and says "I am NOT happy."
The man responds: "Then which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zo7is/a_man_accidentally_rearended_a_car/
%
Mary the deaf

An old man goes to see the family doctor, and explains:
> Doc, my wife Mary is getting deaf but she refuses to admit it and have any treatment. What can I do?
> Well, it's difficult to know the cause if she won't come, but we can try something: try to call her name from a certain distance, and then get closer calling her until she answers back. This way we can know how bad is it, and if it's getting worse.
So he comes back home and from the front door he starts calling her:
> MAAaaaarryyyyyyy
But nothing. He then goes to the kitchen's door, where his wife is, and shouts:
> Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Nothing. So he then stands just behind her, and starts yelling like crazy:
> Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
She turns and says
> For the third time: what the heck do you want!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zo3sz/mary_the_deaf/
%
Why couldn't the Mexican be a Firefighter?

Because he didn't know the difference between Jose and Hose B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zo3d2/why_couldnt_the_mexican_be_a_firefighter/
%
If your coffee tastes like mud...

It's probably fresh ground...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zo30y/if_your_coffee_tastes_like_mud/
%
What does an Italian have when one arm is shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zo1ug/what_does_an_italian_have_when_one_arm_is_shorter/
%
A monk walks up to a hot dog stand

he says to the cart owner, "Make me one with everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zo10k/a_monk_walks_up_to_a_hot_dog_stand/
%
What do you call an Arab flying a plane?

A pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4znzwa/what_do_you_call_an_arab_flying_a_plane/
%
How does Kylo Ren talk on the phone in his helmet?

He uses a hans free device

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4znz3y/how_does_kylo_ren_talk_on_the_phone_in_his_helmet/
%
I started two diet plans today

Because one wasn't enough to fill my appetite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4znw1v/i_started_two_diet_plans_today/
%
An insurance salesman knocks on the front door

A young boy answers the door, wearing a bath robe. He has a glass of scotch in one hand and a cigar in the other. The salesman asks "Hi there, are your parents home?". The boy replies "what the fuck do you think".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4znvgk/an_insurance_salesman_knocks_on_the_front_door/
%
I was looking through the living room window at the tree I'd just planted and I thought to myself

"Why didn't I plant it out here in the garden?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4znnmp/i_was_looking_through_the_living_room_window_at/
%
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4znnf1/what_do_you_call_a_bulletproof_irishman/
%
A man walks into a sex shop... (NSFW)

During a dry spell, a man decides that usual masturbation is no longer satisfying his needs and decides to pop down to his local neighbourhood sex shop to purchase an inflatable doll with which to sate himself
Upon arriving at the store, the assistant asks "Would you like a male or a female doll?"
Being your garden variety str8 boi, he asks for a female doll
The assistant now asks "Would you like the doll to be white, black, or Asian?"
Having never before engaged in intimate relations with a lady of the Asian persuasion, he decides upon the Asian doll
Finally, the assistant asks "Do you prefer a Christian doll or a Muslim doll?"
Confused, the man asks "What's its religion got to do with anything? It's just an inflatable doll!"
To which the assistant replies "Well sir, the Muslim one blows itself up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4znmxw/a_man_walks_into_a_sex_shop_nsfw/
%
what do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4znl0s/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
My aunt used to say "slow and steady wins the race"

she died in a fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4znkxh/my_aunt_used_to_say_slow_and_steady_wins_the_race/
%
Apparently 1 in 3 households live next door to a pedophile

Not me though, I live next to two smoking hot 7 year olds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4znizp/apparently_1_in_3_households_live_next_door_to_a/
%
When my wife was giving birth to our child, I asked the doctor...

- When can we have sex?
He winked at me and replied
- My shift ends in 10 minutes, let's meet outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zngsy/when_my_wife_was_giving_birth_to_our_child_i/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off  ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4znex2/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
*Last post of this was 6 months ago from my quick search, reposting because it is hilarious.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4znduu/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
%
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zndpx/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I tried to give myself a sex change operation

but I couldn't pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4znczj/i_tried_to_give_myself_a_sex_change_operation/
%
Instead of coming home from work one Friday afternoon

a man blew his weekly pay cheque by staying out with his friends all weekend and partying. When be finally went home on the Sunday night, his wife was understandably furious. She berated him for over an hour before screaming, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two whole days?'
'As a matter of fact that would suit me just fine!' he replied defiantly.
So he didn't see his wife on Monday or Tuesday, but by Wednesday the swelling had gone enough so that he could just see her out of the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zncei/instead_of_coming_home_from_work_one_friday/
%
So an animal testing lab accidentally let one of its rabbits out.

The bunny hopped along till it found a wild rabbit. It asked the wild bunny "Can you help me? I don't know what bunnies do!" The wild rabbit said, "Let's go eat some crops!" So they go to a farmer's field and chow down.
As they are sitting there the lab rabbit says, "What do we do now?" The wild bunny says "We go find some females and screw 'em!" The lab bunny has never had it so good!
So they're resting after a rabbit orgy and the wild rabbit says "Let's go to the burrow now and sleep." The lab bunny says "No, I've got to go home-- I'm just dying for a cigarette!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zn8na/so_an_animal_testing_lab_accidentally_let_one_of/
%
Why do men want to marry a virgin?

To avoid criticism and comparison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zn3iu/why_do_men_want_to_marry_a_virgin/
%
What's the difference between Polio and 9/11?

The government actually wanted to stop Polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zn2zp/whats_the_difference_between_polio_and_911/
%
The other day I asked my wife to hand me the news paper. She said, "Silly you, just use my Ipad."...

That spider had no fucking idea what hit it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zn2vj/the_other_day_i_asked_my_wife_to_hand_me_the_news/
%
Old Aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zn0rf/old_aunts_used_to_come_up_to_me_at_weddings/
%
Have you heard of the restaurant on the moon?

great food, no atmosphere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zmzm0/have_you_heard_of_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
Little Johnny.....

.....was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the question?" asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."
"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Luther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thank you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
"Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "Fucking Immigrants!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zmywj/little_johnny/
%
Consult an audiophile before buying new headphones

Their reasoning is pretty sound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zmy1u/consult_an_audiophile_before_buying_new_headphones/
%
If you have sex with a prostitute while she's passed out, is it rape?

Or shoplifting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zmpeo/if_you_have_sex_with_a_prostitute_while_shes/
%
Everyone is surprised when I tell them I've never seen the movie fight club

I don't see what the big deal is.  No one really talks about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zmmfk/everyone_is_surprised_when_i_tell_them_ive_never/
%
Saw a guy about to jump off a bridge

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?"
He said: "Yes."
I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zmlbw/saw_a_guy_about_to_jump_off_a_bridge/
%
I used to be a telemarketer

I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zmgwh/i_used_to_be_a_telemarketer/
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife left him 4 months ago
^^^^just ^^^^searched ^^^^and ^^^^realized ^^^^this ^^^^is ^^^^heavily ^^^^overused ^^^^and ^^^^reposted ^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zmgtj/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_bottle/
%
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Can't be done, it's a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zmdwd/how_many_software_engineers_does_it_take_to/
%
What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zmbd1/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_usain_bolt/
%
Making plans with a stoner is like having sex with a prostitute...

...They tell you they're coming, but you know it's a lie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zmb9d/making_plans_with_a_stoner_is_like_having_sex/
%
How many dead schoolgirls does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously more than four because my basement's still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zmayf/how_many_dead_schoolgirls_does_it_take_to_change/
%
On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.
When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.
And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.
I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zmapg/on_his_death_bed_an_old_jew_says_to_his_wife/
%
My friends' girlfriend gets diagnosed with cancer..

He proposed to her on the spot. See ladies, it's not that men can't be spontaneous and romantic, we just don't like long term commitment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zma5r/my_friends_girlfriend_gets_diagnosed_with_cancer/
%
What did the scarecrow say when asked about his job?

"This job isn't for everyone, but hay...it's in my jeans"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zm88x/what_did_the_scarecrow_say_when_asked_about_his/
%
So a redditor walked into a bar...

Just kidding, they just sit on reddit and read these lame jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zm7re/so_a_redditor_walked_into_a_bar/
%
The Price of Dismissal

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zm7an/the_price_of_dismissal/
%
A carpenter goes to a brothel.

Had a threesome with two bi whores.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zm72p/a_carpenter_goes_to_a_brothel/
%
I want to name my computer "Dat Ass"

So every so often my computer will ask me if I want to Back Dat Ass up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zm6vl/i_want_to_name_my_computer_dat_ass/
%
One day, a nun falls pregnant.

One day at a Monastery, a nun discovers that she has somehow become pregnant. Horrified by this development, the Nun immediately runs to the head nun and explains to her what has happened.
'Mother Superior, I have terrible news," she tells her, "I have no good explanation for how it has happened, but I've discovered that I have somehow become pregnant. I've stayed faithful, I've never been with a man before. I don't know how this happened."
"Sister Anna, despite what you say, it's simply impossible for this to have happened without you having had sex with a man," replied Mother Superior, "I'm sorry but I've no choice but to make you leave the sisterhood." With this, Sister Anna is stripped of her nun status and forced to leave the monastery.
The same thing happens the following week. Sister Mary discovers that she, too, has somehow becomes pregnant. She repeats the same process, telling Mother Superior the exact same thing as Sister Anna, but is met with the same response, and is stripped of her nun status and forced out of the monastery.
The following week, Sister Suzanne suffers the same fate. When she tells Mother Superior, she is met with the same fate as the other two.
"Although it is surprising to me that this has been happening so much lately, it's simply impossible that there is any answer of than the three of you have had sex with a man," Mother Superior tells her. "It pains me deeply, but like the other two, I must strip you of your status and you must leave."
The next week, the same thing happens, except this time, it is Mother Superior who becomes pregnant. Surprised and confused by this development, she calls Sisters Anna, Mary, and Suzanne back to the Monastery and reveals to them what has happened.
"I'm sorry for not believing all of you before," she tells them, "but it seemed impossible for there to be any other answer. Now that I know of you're faithfulness, you will be allowed back and your title restored. But the next step now... is to find the bastard who is jerking off onto all of the Monastery candles".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zm62w/one_day_a_nun_falls_pregnant/
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Anyone know the title of Steven Tyler's new cook book?

Wok this way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zm0cs/anyone_know_the_title_of_steven_tylers_new_cook/
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Two Irish men are digging a ditch.

Two irish men are digging a ditch while a third British man keeps watch on their progress. One Irish man asks t'other "why is it that we have to be down here in this mud while the Brit sits up there on his lazy arse." The second Irish man, indignant at this sudden revelation, stomps up to the man on the stool and asks "Why is it were down there and you're up here?" The British man calmly folds his newspaper, looks up and says "I will show you."
He puts his hand against a nearby brick wall and instructs the Irish Man to punch it as hard as he can. The irish man, a big hulking mass of muscle, winds back and throws an incredibly powerful fist toward his hand, at the last second the British man pulls his hand out of the way and Irish mans fist impacts the wall leaving him very sore and embarrassed. "That's why" the supervisor says smugly.
After returning to the ditch the first Irish man asks "well? what did he say." The second Irish man puts his hand up in front of his face and says "hit my hand as hard as you can."
This is an oldie my dad (from Belfast) told me. I wrote it from memory as best i could.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zlxn1/two_irish_men_are_digging_a_ditch/
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How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zlx4q/how_many_super_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A police officer called the station on his radio...

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zlw08/a_police_officer_called_the_station_on_his_radio/
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Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...' 'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zlu2s/tom_had_been_in_police_work_for_25_years/
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There was supposed to be a BLM march today with up to a million people

Although it's strange that I only count 600,000.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zlqel/there_was_supposed_to_be_a_blm_march_today_with/
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I went on Reddit once

I reg-Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zlp67/i_went_on_reddit_once/
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What's better than four roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zln84/whats_better_than_four_roses_on_a_piano/
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Dark humor is like clean water...

Not everyone gets some.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zllub/dark_humor_is_like_clean_water/
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My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?"

One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zljma/my_sister_is_a_theater_teacher_and_asked_her/
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Why isn't suntanning an olympic sport?

Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zlhgx/why_isnt_suntanning_an_olympic_sport/
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A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide

The librarian says "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zlf41/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
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A man is pulled over for speeding...

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zlf0t/a_man_is_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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The bull trick (a bit long)

An old cattle farmer is being helped by the local vet with his herd of cows and bulls. It is breading season and some of his older bulls are having a bit of a hard time performing. These are top of the line studs, but age is finally catching up with the bulls. The farmer laments to the vet "Well, I guess it looks like these old boys are going to be sent off to the meat packers this year" He is none to happy, but cattle life is rough and you have to keep the herd growing. The vet looks over the older bulls "Mmm, I don't know if they are that far gone yet, do you mind if I try something out?" The farmer agrees and the vet gets to work. He begins working his hands into the waiting cows neither regions, getting his hands all sloppy, when he is good and dripping, he approaches the bulls and starts to smear the goop on their noses. He does this a couple times and wouldn't you know it, the bulls begin to become aroused and within moments they are chasing after the cows. The farmer is delighted and he pays the vet a little extra for the new trick.
Come that evening he is laying in bed with his wife, it has been a pretty long time since they have had sex, the spirit is willing but his flesh has grown weak. As he lays there in the dark, he begins to think about his day and soon he is struck with the similarity between himself and the old bulls. So he reaches over and begins to rub his wife's vagina, brings his hand to his face, inhales deeply and repeats the process a few times. Wouldn't you know it, the old mans body begins to respond and he is elated, he hasn't been this hard since his early 30s. It is amazing!
Thinking that finally he can have sex again he turns on the light and begins to shake his wife awake, "honey... HONEY... you've got to see this.... "
She rolls over "Ah for fuck sake, you woke me up to show me you have a bleeding nose?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zlcn6/the_bull_trick_a_bit_long/
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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zlc1h/my_friend_keeps_saying_cheer_up_man_it_could_be/
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I Just got fired from the orange juice factory.

They said I could not concentrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zladi/i_just_got_fired_from_the_orange_juice_factory/
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A gypsy and his neighbour decide to build new houses...

They spared no expense, and they succeeded in building two identical houses, brick for brick. When they were done, they both stepped back to admire their work.
“What a great house!” the gypsy's neighbour said. “I’ll bet that I can sell it for a million dollars.”
“What a great house!” the gypsy said. “I’ll bet that I can sell mine for two million dollars.”
“What?” the neighbor said. “Our houses are identical. Why would yours sell for twice what mine sells for?”
“Easy,” the gypsy said. “I don’t live next to a gypsy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zlaa0/a_gypsy_and_his_neighbour_decide_to_build_new/
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Divorce is tough on some kids.

But others are just happy to be single again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zl51n/divorce_is_tough_on_some_kids/
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Ryan Lochte will be summoned to Rio for hearing.

But he says he's probably not gonna go. His ears work pretty good already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zl433/ryan_lochte_will_be_summoned_to_rio_for_hearing/
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Thesaurus Club

First rule of Thesaurus Club.
You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zl2rr/thesaurus_club/
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The Most Painful Part

5 boys were playing football. 4 of them notices that the other one wasn't very good, so they asked him,
"Why are you not good at sport? Boys are meant to be really sporty"
The boy answered,
"Well I am really a girl but I had a sex change"
The first boy asked her,
"What was the most painful part? Was it when they sewed a dick on you?" In which she replied no.
The second boy asked her,
"Was it when they chopped your boobs off?" In which she again replied no.
The third boy asked her,
"Was it when they pumped your muscles up" She still replied no.
The fourth boy asked her,
"Then what WAS the most painful part?"
The girl smiled innocently and said,
"When they cut my brain in half"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zl235/the_most_painful_part/
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One day in class, a teacher asked her students to do a homework assignment.

One day in class, a teacher asked her students to take a word home and ask their parents to put it into a sentence for her the following day. Todays word was contagious.
The next morning the teacher began to ask some of the children for their answers.
Teacher: Sarah, please put contagious into a sentence?
Sarah: Yes Miss, well my parents told me that when i get a cold it can be contagious to other kids.
Teacher: Very good Sarah, Well done. What about you Kevin?
Kevin: Well Miss, Mum and Dad said I cant go and play with my neighbour Ben at the moment because he has chicken pox and its contagious.
Teacher: Very good Kevin, sorry to hear you cant play with Ben.
Looking around the room to see who hasn't answered yet the teacher spots an enthusiastic looking Hemi who never does his homework.
Teacher: Hemi, you look like you have an answer for me?
Hemi: Yes Miss, well Dad and I were down getting fish and chips for tea last night and the guy who was cooking it didn't have the fryers turned on yet and Dad said "its ganna take that contagious"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zl1vi/one_day_in_class_a_teacher_asked_her_students_to/
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Just got home from my first meeting with "fight club"

It was super fun, lots of blood. I was a little late though, so I missed the part were they went trough the rules. Eh, probably nothing important anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkz9q/just_got_home_from_my_first_meeting_with_fight/
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A teacher does a quiz with her class.

She asks the children:" So guys what walks on four legs and hurts to touch?" So one kid goes:" A hedgehog" the teacher responds:" I was thinking of a porcupine, but I like the way that you think, next question, what has wheels and takes me to school?" The same kid answers:" Your car". "It is my bike, but I like the way you think", the teacher says. So the kid asks if he can say a question and the teacher accepts. "What is hard, has a red head, and when you rub it right, its head explodes" the kid goes. The teacher turns red and angrily says that the kid will have detention. The kid just says:" It is a matchstick, but I like the way you think".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkyuo/a_teacher_does_a_quiz_with_her_class/
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A guy is at a prom telling a joke to his friends

Halfway through his joke he realizes there is no punchline.
So he ditches his friends to grab a cup of punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkx18/a_guy_is_at_a_prom_telling_a_joke_to_his_friends/
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What happened when the cannibal was late to the dinner party?

He got the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkuo1/what_happened_when_the_cannibal_was_late_to_the/
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What do Jedi Knights say to encourage the use of analogies?

"Metaphors be with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkuaz/what_do_jedi_knights_say_to_encourage_the_use_of/
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Two Beggars

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zksjx/two_beggars/
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Found a site for hardcore Harambe Supporters

It's called Omegle, Everyone has their dicks out for Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkrse/found_a_site_for_hardcore_harambe_supporters/
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An aspiring oil tycoon's oil rig catches fire...

A company immediately shows up to the scene and offers to extinguish the fire and repair his oil rig for $100,000,000. The oil tycoon says, "Hell, at $100,000,000 I'll let the damn thing burn itself out and retire on what I've already made". The next day another company shows up at his door offering to at least extinguish the fire for $1,000,000. The tycoon responds by saying, "Hell, that might as well be $100,000,000 to me right now. I guess I'll just prepare to lose my livelihood". The next day a flat bed truck with 12 Mexicans on the bed and 2 in the cab roll up the tycoon's driveway. The driver of the truck gets out and says, "Hola, señor, what seems to be the problem?" The tycoon says, "Well if you'd open your eyes you can see what the problem is, I got an oil rig on fire and every day I get to step outside and watch my dreams and livelihood go up in flames". The Mexican responds with, "We can put your fire out, señor" and the oil tycoon says, "Name your price". The Mexican said, "My men and I can have this fire out in no time, Señor, and all we require is $10,000". Ecstatic and curious to see the Mexicans try to succeed the tycoon gives them the go ahead to extinguish the fire. The driver gets in his truck and heads toward the flaming oil rig with his crew. He drives the truck straight into the inferno burning up every man on the back of the truck as it rolled through. When it reached the other side the fire was snuffed out. The oil Tycoon, completely over joyed, ran toward the truck to meet the two survivors in the cab. The two Mexicans were smoldering as they stepped out of the cab and the oil tycoon said, "That is the damndest thing I've ever witnessed, boys, you sacrificed your entire crew to put out my fire! I didn't have an ounce of faith in you guys, but you did it! I gotta ask though, what are you planning to do with this $10,000?" The driver said, "First thing we are going to do, Señor, is get the brakes fixed on this truck".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkrq7/an_aspiring_oil_tycoons_oil_rig_catches_fire/
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Jesus walks in to an employment office

The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?"
"I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies
"Can I ask what skills you have?"
"Well I'm a qualified carpenter"
The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer
"Well I have two carpentry jobs, Jesus, one is in Edinburgh, big job, and it pays about £2000 per month! The other one I have is in Jerusalem, and get this Jesus, it pays £10,000 per month"
Jesus mulls it over and says "I think I'll apply for the job in Edinburgh"
"But Jesus, the job in Jerusalem pays five times as much"
"But yes the last time I worked there I got nailed by tax"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkraw/jesus_walks_in_to_an_employment_office/
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The login input fields spend the night at a hotel. Password stays for breakfast.

Username checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkoi0/the_login_input_fields_spend_the_night_at_a_hotel/
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Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep......

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“
Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”
Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep.”
Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkkxj/father_buys_a_lie_detector_that_makes_a_loud_beep/
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Another Redditor Walks Into Another Bar...

Mister Redditor asks the bartender to tell him a joke.
Eventually after some thought, the bartender suggests looking at r/jokes.
The redditor becomes frustrated instantly and cries out:
All the jokes, including the meta ones are reposts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkjx4/another_redditor_walks_into_another_bar/
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What makes you think you're so good in bed?

A woman is in a relationship with an abusive man, but for years she justifies staying with him because he is great in bed. Until one day the man hits her and kicks her to the point where he crosses her line. She finally dumps him and tries to move on.
Being out of the dating game for a while she is at a loss for what to do so she posts a personal ad:
> SWF seeking SWM who won't hit me, won't kick me, and is a great lover.
After going on a few dates and being unimpressed with her options she decides to remove the personal ad. A couple weeks pass and while sitting on her couch watching TV one day her doorbell rings. She gets up and looks out the peephole but doesn't see anyone so she goes to sit back down. Again, the doorbell rings but no one is visible through the peephole so she returns to her spot on the couch. *Again* the doorbell rings. This time she is determined to catch whomever is behind the doorbell prank so she runs to the door and throws it open.
No one is there.
As she starts to close the door she hears "Hey! Lady! Down here!"
On her doorstep was a man with no arms or legs.
"Can I help you?"
"Sure took you a while to answer your door... Im here in response to your personal ad."
"Im sorry, I removed the ad a couple weeks ago."
"Look, I know it took me a while to get here but as you can see I have some difficulty getting around...but let me explain: I don't have any arms so I cant hit you, and I don't have any legs so I cant kick you...."
The woman interrupts, "Ok, ok...but what makes you think you're such a great lover??"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell, lady?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkhou/what_makes_you_think_youre_so_good_in_bed/
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Bacon tree

Two soldiers are sat on top of a hill looking for targets. One says to the other
"Hey bob, is that...is that a bacon tree?"
"I don't know Jim, go have a look while I stay here and cover our backs"
Jim goes for a closer look and Bob stays on the hill eating his lunch. After a while Jim returns with about ten arrows in his chest.
"My god what happened? Was it a bacon tree?"
"No Bob, turned out to be a ham bush"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkhkj/bacon_tree/
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Voodoo Dick

[NSFW]
A husband whose wife is notorious for cheating on him while he is away on business is at his wits end with the whole thing.
He loves his wife dearly, and explained to her that this cannot continue. He has a long trip coming up soon and knows that she is going to cheat on him if he doesn't do something. So he has decided to purchase her a female masterbatory aid to stop her cheating ways.
After explaining all of this to his wife, she tells him that she is extremely excited at the idea and urges him to go and pick out something for her.
As he is scanning the dildo wall of his local porn store he shakes his head and clearly not finding anything he thinks she would like, he turns to leave.
However, the Jamaican man behind the counter stops him.
"Oy! Come down o'r here boy. Me thinks I be havin sum tin you want."
The Husband, caught off guard walks over to the counter as the fellow places a simple wooden box on the counter and flops it open.
Inside is a rather plain average sized dildo. The husbands face contorts with disbelief and meets the Jamaican mans gaze.
"What's so special about this one? That one on the wall over there is 24 inches." He explains, gesturing behind him.
The shop keep smiles and speaks in a low tone.
"Dis, be da Voodoo dick mon. You tell de dick what to do. And it do it."
The husband lets out a laugh. "Yeah, sure it does." He shakes his head and turns to leave.
"Stop!" The Jamaican says. "I be showing you! Voodoo dick! Fuck the doll!" The shop keep points at one of the several full sized sex dolls propped up against one wall.
To the husbands amazement, the dildo leaps out of the box, floats over to the doll and begins fucking it.
The husbands jaw drops open as he can't believe what he is seeing. "I'll take it!" He exclaims and quickly pulls out his credit card "How much?"
After a few minutes of negotiation the man pays. The Shop keeper leans in close as he hands him his receipt.
"One mor ting mon. You haf to be tellin the Voodoo Dick 'back in your box' or it not be stopping. The man nods.
"Voodoo Dick! Back in your box!" He says, and the dildo stops fucking the doll, floats over and lands in its box. The man is over joyed.
Back at his house the husband explains his shopping experience with his wife who nods and smiles eagerly during the entire exchange. He tells her everything except how to "turn it off", then rushed out of the house to catch his flight.
A few days later the wife, feeling extremely frisky. Starts thinking of all of the men should can call over to quench her appetite when she remembers the Voodoo Dick.
So figuring she has nothing to loose, she gets undressed, grabs the box with the dildo in it, opens it and says; "Voodoo Dick! Fuck my pussy."
The dildo leaps to obey.
After throughly enjoying herself, the wife decides she has had enough and reaches down to stop the dildo from continuing, yet it does not cease.
She begins to panic. Try as she might, she simply cannot get the thing to stop pounding her. Having no other options, she dons a heavy trench coat and rushed out to her car, with the intention of driving to the hospital.
On the way, Voodoo Dick is still going at it. Causing the wife to swerve occasionally whenever another orgasm  strikes her.
Seeing the erratic driving a cop flips on his lights and chased the wife down. Pulling her over the cop asks what's going on? The wife, still being drilled by Voodoo Dick tries to explain the whole thing.
The cop shakes his head and says; "Yeah right. Voodoo Dick my ass!"
Not my joke. But funny! :)
As per usual, I uploaded in my phone. Sorry for horrible grammar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkgh9/voodoo_dick/
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My girlfriend is a pornstar

Shes gunna kill me when she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkdzq/my_girlfriend_is_a_pornstar/
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My wife left me because "I am addicted to video games"..

I was so sad I could hardly console myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkc5b/my_wife_left_me_because_i_am_addicted_to_video/
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Birthday Party

My friend's college mentor told her this story:
"So, my friend turned 32 last week, and we wanted to do something for his birthday so we put together a really quick party, only about half a minute long, and when the party ended, he was really confused and asked about the length of the party."
It was his thirty second birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkbw8/birthday_party/
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When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed

waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zkay8/when_i_was_a_child_i_remember_lying_with_my_eyes/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheburg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zk9c0/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zk8qi/my_wife_said_why_is_the_laptop_all_sticky/
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There was once a little blind girl...

... and more then anything in the world she wanted to be able to see again. "Mummy Mummy!" she would say, "when will i be able to see again?"and her mother would reply "well my darling, there are doctors working at this very instant on a cream which will make your eyes all better again! And we can get this cream next week!"
The little girl was so excited, for the next week she hardly slept and she hardly ate. The day before they were to collect the cream her mother tried to calm her down but the girl was so excited!
"Think of all the things I will be able to see again Mummy! The birds in the trees! The clouds in the sky!"
"Yes my darling, but get your sleep tonight and tomorrow we shall get the marvellous cream!"
So the next day the girl and her mummy go up to town where the wonderful new cream is purchased. As soon as they are home the girl is almost screaming with delight. "Quick mummy, quick!! Put it on, put it on!!" So the mother starts rubbing the cream into the girls eyes, the girl wincing because of the stinging but the mummy soothes her, "Dont worry," she says, "be strong! And tomorrow you will be able to see again!" They wrap her little head tight in bandages and set her to bed.
The next day the girl is shouting for her mummy, not having slept a wink, "Quick!! Mummy quick!! Help me with my bandages!!!" Her mummy rushes in and together they frantically and gleefully take of the bandages. The little girl opens her eyes and blinks in the morning sun...
"But... but mummy... I still cant see..." she says. and the mother screams "APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zk7ce/there_was_once_a_little_blind_girl/
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Lovers

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zk3kt/lovers/
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My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word "cunt."

I suppose she has a point, I really should make an effort to learn her mother's real name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zk3de/my_wife_gets_really_annoyed_when_i_use_the_word/
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The Arabs invented a time machine.

It's called Islam. It can take any civilization back to the 7th century.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zk2ig/the_arabs_invented_a_time_machine/
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My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zk0vi/my_girlfriend_is_a_porn_star/
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A redditor walks in to a bar...

**All of our servers are busy right now**
please try again in a minute
(error code: 503)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zk0hf/a_redditor_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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What is Grammar?

The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you're shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjz6m/what_is_grammar/
%
I rang a gym yesterday and asked them if they could teach me to do the splits

"How flexible are you?" they asked
"Well I can't do Tuesday's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjyhz/i_rang_a_gym_yesterday_and_asked_them_if_they/
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I was suddenly awoken with a blowjob this morning.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjvp2/i_was_suddenly_awoken_with_a_blowjob_this_morning/
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"You spend far too much time on that fucking computer."

Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking's closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjukr/you_spend_far_too_much_time_on_that_fucking/
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"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"

Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjuf4/you_havent_listened_to_a_word_ive_said_have_you/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjter/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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Why there are no male agony aunts

Dear Jim, last week I left for work as normal but after having only gone a mile my car broke down. I walked home and arriving unexpectedly I found my Husband having sex with the babysitter!! I just can't believe this has happened, I'm devastated and don't know what to do! Can you please help?
Dear Sally, a common cause for this is water in the carburettor. Don't let the fuel drop too low in the tank. Hope this helps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjqpw/why_there_are_no_male_agony_aunts/
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The Ice Cream Parlor

A woman walks into an ice cream parlor just before it closes. The employee behind the counter asks if he can help her and she replies, "Yes, I would like a chocolate ice cream cone, please."
"I'm sorry," the employee replied, "we just ran out of chocolate ice cream. Can I get you something else?"
The woman thinks for a minute and says, "Yes, I would like a sundae with nuts, whipped cream and chocolate ice cream."
The employee is a bit confused but recovers quickly and says, "I'm sorry ma'am, maybe you didn't quite hear me the first time. We just ran out of chocolate ice cream a few minutes before you came in. This is the first time that has ever happened and I apologize. Our new order comes tomorrow morning. But in the mean time, can I get you something else?"
Again, the woman thinks for a minute before saying, "Yes, I would like a banana split with whipped cream and cherries and chocolate ice cream."
Now the employee is irritated. How is this woman not getting that he's out of chocolate? So he says, "ma'am, I have to ask you a question. Can you spell the van in vanilla?"
The woman looks a bit confused but says, "Yes, V-A-N"
"And can you spell the straw in strawberry?"
"S-T-R-A-W"
"OK, one last question. Can you spell the fuck in chocolate?"
"But there is no fuck in chocolate!"
"Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you the whole time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjqd6/the_ice_cream_parlor/
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My wife just asked me what I want for Father's Day this year...

"A blowjob," I replied.
"Haha," she replied. "But what do you want from your daughter?"
I am sick to death of repeating myself to that woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjogs/my_wife_just_asked_me_what_i_want_for_fathers_day/
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Congratulations r/jokes on being the most eco-friendly subreddit!

95% of your material is recycled!
(Love you guys <3 )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjo8t/congratulations_rjokes_on_being_the_most/
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A Russian went for an eye check up.

The doctor showed him some letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY
"Can you read this?"
The Russian responds, "Read? I even know this guy. He's my cousin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjmy4/a_russian_went_for_an_eye_check_up/
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A man is talking to his best friend...

He confides to him: "I haven't fucked my wife all month, the doctors discovered that she is carrying a strange virus that can leave me deaf if I have any sort of sexual intercourse with her".
The friend replies: "Talk louder man, I cannot hear you at all".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjlm2/a_man_is_talking_to_his_best_friend/
%
A blonde walks into an appliance store...

She goes to the clerk and points behind him.
"I'd like to buy that television there." she declares to the clerk. The clerk turns around, glances back at the lady and says "We don't sell TVs to blondes."  discouraged she walks out of the store.
The next day she comes back in hopes a new salesperson was working. "I'd like to buy that television." pointing again to the one behind the clerk. Angrily he grunts "Listen lady, I told you yesterday we don't sell TVs to blondes." She again storms off.
She comes up with a plan and buys a red wig.
Again she walks into the store, walks up to the clerk and exclaims "I would like to purchase that television." the clerk sighs, "I already told you, we don't sell TVs to blondes!" "But how did you know it was me!?" She asks, "Because that's not a TV, its a microwave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjkmz/a_blonde_walks_into_an_appliance_store/
%
I was viewing a house being sold by a native american

i asked him if it came with running water,
He said 'no, get your own wife'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjjxs/i_was_viewing_a_house_being_sold_by_a_native/
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Donald and Hillary go into a bakery...

Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
I will definitely win the election.
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjjkn/donald_and_hillary_go_into_a_bakery/
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Little Johnny has questions for his mother.

The first thing he asks is, "How old are you?" His mother says, "It's impolite to ask a lady how old she is." He then asks, "How much do you weigh?" to which she says, "Johnny, that's impolite too!" He asks, "Why did Dad leave?" His mother sighs, and says, "I don't want to talk about that." Unsatisfied with her answers, Little Johnny ran off. He returns five minutes later holding her license. "Mommy, I figured it out! You're 35, you weigh 189 pounds, and Daddy left because you got an F in sex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjjb2/little_johnny_has_questions_for_his_mother/
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What do you call a fat prostitute in space?

A meaty whore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjir1/what_do_you_call_a_fat_prostitute_in_space/
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What do you call an orange thats been in the sun too long?

tangerine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjg8i/what_do_you_call_an_orange_thats_been_in_the_sun/
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Locking your keys in the car is a lot like getting your girlfriend pregnant.

A coat hanger should take care of the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjfe8/locking_your_keys_in_the_car_is_a_lot_like/
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I always go the extra mile for my wife

Ever since she took out that restraining order

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjcnx/i_always_go_the_extra_mile_for_my_wife/
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I used to be indecisive.

Now I'm not sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zjbml/i_used_to_be_indecisive/
%
Two homeless guys are watching a dog lick it's nuts...

... One says to the other
"I wish I could do that"
The other scoffs and replies
"you'd wanna ask him first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zja84/two_homeless_guys_are_watching_a_dog_lick_its_nuts/
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TIL the creator of the Hokey Pokey died last week.

Planning his funeral went fine until it was time to put him in the casket. They put his left foot in and that's when the trouble started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zj94p/til_the_creator_of_the_hokey_pokey_died_last_week/
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A guy walks into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.

The bartender stops him and says "I'm Polish.  You see the guy over there - he's the owner of this bar and he's Polish.  You see these two big guys drinking beer beside you - they're Polish.  You still want to tell your joke?" The guy thinks about it and says "No, I don't want to tell it anymore. Nobody will get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zj8rw/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_begins_to_tell_a/
%
Why was the couch afraid of the chair?

The chair was armed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zj7ra/why_was_the_couch_afraid_of_the_chair/
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Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who tried to fuck a clock?

He heard time was relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zj7o3/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_from_alabama_who_tried/
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What did the left leg say to the right leg?

Between me and you, we need a haircut.
(I got this from some UK magazine years ago)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zj594/what_did_the_left_leg_say_to_the_right_leg/
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Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense...

You could say it was a vague rant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zj4m5/saw_a_homeless_guy_babbling_about_conspiracy/
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A Polack, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar...

The bartender says,"get the fuck out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zj3vy/a_polack_a_muslim_and_a_jew_walk_into_a_bar/
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Two guys sitting next to each other on a plane...

They each have one black eye. After about 20 minutes one guy finally looks to the other and says "Okay, I gotta know, how did you get yours?"
They guy laughs and shakes his head "It's actually pretty funny. I was in the airport getting a ticket for this flight and, well the woman behind the counter was this gorgeous red head with huge tits. I meant to say 'Hey, can I have a ticket to Pittsburg?', but well, I had a little slip of the tongue, and said 'Can I get a picket to titsburg', she jumped over the counter and punched me in the face." The other starts laughing hysterically. After he finally calms down, the one who answered asked "Well, how'd you get yours?"
The other guy looks at him and said "Surprisingly a similar story. I was having breakfast with my wife this morning, and I meant to say 'Can you pass the syrup' Except I stumbled on my words and had a slip of the tongue. Instead of 'Pass the syrup' it came out "you ruined my life you fucking bitch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zj3q3/two_guys_sitting_next_to_each_other_on_a_plane/
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What did the sushi say to the bumblebee?

Wassssaaa-bee?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zj3fa/what_did_the_sushi_say_to_the_bumblebee/
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Dad joke about phones....

A phone call comes through to a families home and the son looks at it and yells "Dad should I take this"
The dad yells back "who is it calling?"
Son: "It says private caller"
Dad: "Don't answer!! We only take calls from lieutenant callers or higher!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zj06e/dad_joke_about_phones/
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As an ornothologist and a pimp I structure payment based on the old saying:

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ziz5y/as_an_ornothologist_and_a_pimp_i_structure/
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Two fat Scottish sounding women in my bar tonight...

"Hey, are you two from Scotland?" I asked.
"It's WALES you fucking idiot," one yelled.
I apologized, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ziyx4/two_fat_scottish_sounding_women_in_my_bar_tonight/
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Get AIDS from a toilet seat

A patient says, Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?
The doctor replies, Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ziumh/get_aids_from_a_toilet_seat/
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In the Garden of Eden, Eve wore a fig leaf. Do you know what Adam wore?

A hole in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zitqz/in_the_garden_of_eden_eve_wore_a_fig_leaf_do_you/
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Son : Dad.... This movie is so scary... Is that woman going to die??

Dad : Judging by the size of that horse's dick, Yes she is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zitl5/son_dad_this_movie_is_so_scary_is_that_woman/
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Proof required.

A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of
dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have
a dog?"
"Yes." the man replied.
"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.
"I left him home." he answered.
"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see
the dog. Those are the rules."
The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the
checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier. "Yes," he said, "but
I left him home."
"Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food.
That's the rules."
The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He
walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here."
The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is
it?"
The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zis1o/proof_required/
%
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zioxf/a_mans_walking_home_late_at_night_when_he_sees_a/
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Epilepsy

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.
Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zio9k/epilepsy/
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What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?

HDMI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zio7z/what_did_yoda_say_when_he_watched_star_wars_on/
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A boy asks his father "what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father answers "go ask you mother and your sister if they would sleep with the neighbor for 1 million dollars"
The boy is confused and asks his dad why?
The dad says "just go ask them and maybe you'll learn something"
So the boy goes and asks his sister and she thinks about it for a second and says "yeah sure why not, it's a million dollars and I only have to do it once."
The boy goes and asks his mother but she's a lot more hesitant and tries to justify it. "Well with a million dollars I could do a lot to help the family so I would do it."
The boy goes back to his father and tells him "they both answered yes, but how does that answer my question?"
The father says "well son, potentially we could make 2 million dollars but realistically we live with a couple of whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zig8t/a_boy_asks_his_father_whats_the_difference/
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Why do midgets laugh when they run in fields?

Because the grass tickles their balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zifpi/why_do_midgets_laugh_when_they_run_in_fields/
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Why do werewolves only transform at full moon?

Because it is just a phase after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zifl8/why_do_werewolves_only_transform_at_full_moon/
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Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies.

For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zifh4/video_game_are_cool_because_they_let_you/
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How many internet users does it take to change a light-bulb?

I dunno. Let's just sign a petition so that hopefully somebody will do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zicke/how_many_internet_users_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A redditor walks in to bar...

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."
"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.
"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I browse /r/jokes so I've heard them all over and over and over again".
Curious, the bartender pulls out his phone and browses /r/jokes for a few minutes.
"How about this?" he asks, "A man is driving through a remote forested area at night when his car breaks down next to an old monastery..."
"Heard it.", interrupts the redditor. "It's reposted every month."
The bartender apologies and starts scrolling on his phone for a few more minutes.
"Ooh, here we go, so a blonde shows up at a rich guy's doorstep asking if she can do any chores for cash..."
"Heard it!!", the redditor snaps. "that's reposted every week!"
The bartender is flustered but tries again, furiously browsing the subreddit. "Aha! This one is sure to impress. What's the difference between Donald Trump's hair and a thong?"
"No, no, no!!!", the redditor cries out. "That joke is reposted every day!"
"OK, OK, please give me one more try", the bartender pleads. He scrolls furiously through his phone. "Nope... nope... nope... YES!! This is a great one!"
"OK, lay it on me", the redditor asks eagerly.
"Here it is", the bartender replies. "So a redditor walks into a bar..."
---
Edit 2: gold! Now this redditor can actually afford to walk into a bar! They accept Reddit gold there, right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zia6r/a_redditor_walks_in_to_bar/
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"Commissioner, we've found 20 kilograms of cocaine."

"10 kilograms you say?"
"Yeah, 5 kilograms"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zi7nj/commissioner_weve_found_20_kilograms_of_cocaine/
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Some say English is tough...

Some say English is tough, it can be understood through thorough thought though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zi7eu/some_say_english_is_tough/
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Irish Joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zi5xr/irish_joke/
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I LOVE the way the Earth rotates

It really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zi52t/i_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
%
Why is there gold blowing through the wind?

Because it's August.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zi4wq/why_is_there_gold_blowing_through_the_wind/
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What did the wife say as she left her Mexican husband?

I'm sorry but I love another Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zi0qq/what_did_the_wife_say_as_she_left_her_mexican/
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Why does Germany have so many different kinds of bread?

Well, we had to do something with the ovens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zhz3i/why_does_germany_have_so_many_different_kinds_of/
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A soldier failed the bomb defusal course

He just didn't make the cut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zhx3d/a_soldier_failed_the_bomb_defusal_course/
%
Why women live longer than men?

Because shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying bills does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zhvup/why_women_live_longer_than_men/
%
"Mom, where do tampons go?"

"Where the babies come from, darling."
"In a stork???!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zhuzz/mom_where_do_tampons_go/
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A prostitute said she would do anything for $10...

Guess who just got their car washed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zhrqt/a_prostitute_said_she_would_do_anything_for_10/
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A carpenter's workshop's light went out

To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zhqwt/a_carpenters_workshops_light_went_out/
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A drover walks into a pub...

A drover walks into a pub and orders three beers. He drinks a sips of each in turn. When he finish he orders three more.
The bartender says, "You know, a beer goes flat after I pour it. They'd taste better if you bought one at a time".
The cattleman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers overseas. When we left home, we promised we'd dring this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drink one beer for each brother and of for myself."
The drover became a regular at the pub, always ordering three beers. One day he comes in and orders two. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
The bartender says, "I don't want to intrude, but condolences for your loss".
The drover looks puzzled, then a light dawns in his eyes.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he laughs. "It's just my wife and I joined the Salvation Army and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zhp10/a_drover_walks_into_a_pub/
%
I would never cheat on my partner.

Because that would require two people to find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zhkqw/i_would_never_cheat_on_my_partner/
%
Congratulations. You're 18.

On a list of 20 people that I want to kill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zhkq5/congratulations_youre_18/
%
By Putting the Punchline in the Title

How do you screw up a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zhkbf/by_putting_the_punchline_in_the_title/
%
I think someone just called me a "beach"...

But I can't be shore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zhiy1/i_think_someone_just_called_me_a_beach/
%
When I asked my girlfriend why she was breaking up with me, she said "Because you're a pedophile!".

I replied "That's an awfully big word for a twelve year old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zhind/when_i_asked_my_girlfriend_why_she_was_breaking/
%
A guy goes to see the doctor...

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zhdq0/a_guy_goes_to_see_the_doctor/
%
This is gonna be a really long one.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zhavn/this_is_gonna_be_a_really_long_one/
%
I have a disorder where I see Tom Jones lyrics wherever I go

But it's not unusual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zh9gi/i_have_a_disorder_where_i_see_tom_jones_lyrics/
%
Why do fencers have the most karma on this sub?

They are skilled at riposting good content

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zh8mp/why_do_fencers_have_the_most_karma_on_this_sub/
%
Here's a FedEx joke.

Actually, you'll get it tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zh7q1/heres_a_fedex_joke/
%
Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zh7mu/help_requested_a_friend_of_mine_has_two_tickets/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a 6-offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zgz5n/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
Mavis and Marjorie go for their first ever holiday in Scotland

While walking down a country lane they come across a Scotsman asleep under a tree and wearing full traditional clothes.
Mavis turns to Marjorie and says, "I wonder if it's true what they say about what a Scotsman wears under his kilt?".
Marjorie says, "let's find out!".
They tiptoe up to the man and gently lift up his kilt, sure enough there's his dick proud as punch.
Marjorie whispers to Mavis, "We really should leave something to let him know we've been here...."
So Mavis pulls a blue ribbon from her hair and gently ties it around the end of the man's dick and gently puts his kilt back down and they walk off.
10 minutes later the Scotsman wakes up, goes for a piss, lifts his kilt, looks down and says, "I don't know where you've been little fella but at least you won first prize!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zgyxy/mavis_and_marjorie_go_for_their_first_ever/
%
Anniversary

On their 40th anniversary, a woman gives her husband a voucher to visit a witch doctor about his erectile dysfunction.
The man asks the doctor what to do about his problem-he just had trouble standing at attention, now that he's over the hill. The witch doctor gives him a medicine and says, "When you're ready to have sex, drink this potion and say, 'one, two, three' to have an erection. When you're finished, say, 'one, two, three, four' to reverse the effects. This only works once, so use it wisely."
The man takes his wife to a show and a lovely anniversary dinner, then back home where they get ready for their night of passion. He walks into the bedroom, undresses for her, drinks the potion, and says, 'one, two, three'. In a matter of seconds he's the most well-endowed he's ever been.
His wife says, "Wow, what a transformation! But what was the 'one, two, three' for?"
That's why you never end your sentence with a preposition, because you'll end up with a dangling participle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zgp27/anniversary/
%
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon.
Son: "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie."
Dad: "What movie did you watch?"
Son: "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn."
Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost."
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zgngs/a_man_buys_a_lie_detecting_robot_that_slaps/
%
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

It let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zgkw0/what_did_the_grape_do_when_it_got_stepped_on/
%
A lady goes into the dry cleaners

Lady: "I was wondering if you could get this stain out of my blouse"
The Clerk: "Come again?"
Lady: "No, this time it's just yogurt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zgind/a_lady_goes_into_the_dry_cleaners/
%
I'd like to thank my student loans

I don't think i can ever repay them for getting me through college

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zgi2h/id_like_to_thank_my_student_loans/
%
A guy walks into a bar, orders six jägermeister shots.

The bartender asks him if it's a special occation? The guy answers "yes indeed, my very first blowjob". The bartender gets excited and says "Congratulations, I'll give you the seventh shot on the house". The guy answers "Nah, if six jäger shots isn't enough to get rid of the taste, the seventh wont make much of a difference".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zghhy/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_orders_six_jägermeister/
%
A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a large steering wheel on the front of his pants.
The bartender says, "Hey buddy, you know you got a steering wheel on your crotch?"
The pirate responds, "Arrr, it be driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zggj4/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night?

Nocturtle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zgfxv/what_do_you_call_a_turtle_who_sleeps_during_the/
%
What does a blonde put behind her ears to look attractive?

Her ankles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zgcd6/what_does_a_blonde_put_behind_her_ears_to_look/
%
I used to think no one cared what I have to say. Then I joined reddit

Now I know it's true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zg92t/i_used_to_think_no_one_cared_what_i_have_to_say/
%
A man walks into a bar

He sees a few pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling and so he asks the bartender about them. The bartender says "If you can jump and touch them, you get free drinks for the rest of the month, but if you miss, you cover everyone for the rest of the hour." The man thinks for a second and says "No. The stakes are too high"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zg8xx/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's worse than tennis elbow?

Tennis balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zg7fa/whats_worse_than_tennis_elbow/
%
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zg7d0/a_priest_was_about_to_finish_his_tour_of_duty_in/
%
A man, his wife, and their son are in divorce court.

The judge says "Do you want to live with your father?"
The son says "No, he beats me"
Then the judge says "Do you want to live with your mother?"
He says "No, she beats me too"
The judge then says "Who do you want to live with?"
He says "I want to live with the 76ers. They never beat anybody."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zg5zy/a_man_his_wife_and_their_son_are_in_divorce_court/
%
Did you hear about the reverse exorcism?

The devil was trying to get the priest out of the little boy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zg4oi/did_you_hear_about_the_reverse_exorcism/
%
A Texan says to a Harvard student...

Texan: where are ya from?
Harvard Student: well, where *i'm* from, we don't end sentences with prepositions.
Texan: oh, alright. where are ya from, jackass?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zfyuo/a_texan_says_to_a_harvard_student/
%
A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*

He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zfyuj/a_mexican_magician_told_the_audience_hell/
%
A woman's husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for months...

...yet she dutifully stays by his side every single day. At last when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. Painfully, he whispers to her, eyes full of tears "Darling, you've always been with me. All through the bad times, when I got fired, when my business failed you were there. When we lost the house, our first born child and when my health began to fail to stayed by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad fucking luck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zfxo8/a_womans_husband_has_been_slipping_in_and_out_of/
%
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

You get somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zfxgx/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
%
A woman went to a sage and asked: why is the guy who sleeps with many women considered a real man and the girl who sleeps with many men is considered a whore?

The sage told her: "Imagine a teapot that is used for pouring tea to many cups. Is that good?" The woman answered: "Yes, of course". "Now imagine a cup where you pour tea from multiple teapots. Isn't it bad?" The woman replied: "Uh, I actually think it's nice too". The sage slapped her: "Fuck you, bitch, you've ruined the parable!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zfx0c/a_woman_went_to_a_sage_and_asked_why_is_the_guy/
%
How many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

Lets go ride a bike!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zfwln/how_many_people_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist

Pokemon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zfwcz/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_proctologist/
%
How is a marriage similar to a deck of cards?

Starting off with  2 hearts and a diamond seems great but by the end all you want is a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zfw8e/how_is_a_marriage_similar_to_a_deck_of_cards/
%
What is the worst thing anyone can do to a blind man?

Leave a plunger in the toilet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zfutx/what_is_the_worst_thing_anyone_can_do_to_a_blind/
%
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zftga/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Racecar spelt backwards is still racecar

But racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zflm4/racecar_spelt_backwards_is_still_racecar/
%
How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

If it's their lightbulb, none of your damn business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zfhor/how_many_libertarians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what "ternative" means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zfbw9/my_girlfriend_texted_me/
%
Then there was the Olympic Sprinter that tested positive for Viagra....

He tripped during the 100m Dash and won gold in the pole vault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zfbrn/then_there_was_the_olympic_sprinter_that_tested/
%
My cousin's shoe store burned down yesterday

There were so many lost soles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zfb9g/my_cousins_shoe_store_burned_down_yesterday/
%
What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hareline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zfb4f/what_do_you_call_10_rabbits_walking_backwards/
%
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started  canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the  first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to  do.
"Well, I guess I  could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge  me?"
Delighted, the  girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch  goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished  already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zf8jq/a_blonde_teenager_wanting_to_earn_some_extra/
%
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and post them here for karma

I still do, but I used to as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zf5ax/i_used_to_steal_mitch_hedberg_jokes_and_post_them/
%
I woke up last night and there was an enormous black coffin at the end of my bed.

So I gave him a cough-drop and told him to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zf2se/i_woke_up_last_night_and_there_was_an_enormous/
%
The past, the present and the future walk into a bar.

Then things get tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zeyzz/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
%
What do you call an amateur circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zew30/what_do_you_call_an_amateur_circumcision/
%
What can't you hide in a basement full of dead hookers?

My erection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zetnr/what_cant_you_hide_in_a_basement_full_of_dead/
%
Women are always complaining that I make too many 'dick' jokes but I don't understand why.

I mean, that's the only part of me guaranteed to make them laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zet9o/women_are_always_complaining_that_i_make_too_many/
%
"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zemy0/excuse_me_i_said_to_the_woman_sat_in_front_of_me/
%
Im holding a charity event for people who cant reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zemgz/im_holding_a_charity_event_for_people_who_cant/
%
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

It's simple meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zel1r/most_people_have_32_teeth_some_have_10/
%
A little old lady walks into the Bank of Canada with a bag of money.

She insists that she must speak with the president of the bank.
She tells the bank president that she has accumulated several hundred thousand dollars over the years and would like to open a trust in the bank.
The president is curious, so he asks her, "Where did you get all this money?" The old lady replies, "I make bets."
The president then asks, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman says, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughs the president, "That's ridiculous -- you can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenges, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady says, "OK. I'll bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 a.m. as a witness, and we'll see."
The next morning, the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. "OK," she says, "Time to drop your pants and settle this bet."
The president complies. The little old lady peers closely at his balls and asks if she could feel them. "Well, OK," says the bank president, "since there's so much money on the line."
Just then, the lawyer starts banging his head against the wall. The president asks the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replies, "I bet him $50,000 that at 10 a.m. today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zeivq/a_little_old_lady_walks_into_the_bank_of_canada/
%
My grandfather has the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zecay/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
My mom keeps asking me who made a mess at the dinner table

I spilled the beans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zebpw/my_mom_keeps_asking_me_who_made_a_mess_at_the/
%
Accidentaly switching two letters...

...can completely urin a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zeafl/accidentaly_switching_two_letters/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ze7vp/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
A woman didn't come home one night

She told her husband that she had spent the night at a friend's house. He called her 10 best friends and none of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he tells his wife he slept at a friend's house. She calls his 10 best friends. 8 confirmed he spent the night. The other 2 said he was  still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ze64d/a_woman_didnt_come_home_one_night/
%
What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zdzr0/what_do_you_call_a_hot_chick_in_boston/
%
bungee jumping

A kid walks up to his mom and asks, Mom, can I go bungee jumping?
The mom says No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zdwte/bungee_jumping/
%
A duck walks into a bar...

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zdt7h/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Have you heard of the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zdscb/have_you_heard_of_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
%
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zdrvm/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
%
Why did the female pirate turn lesbian?

Because she did not like sea-men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zdrfo/why_did_the_female_pirate_turn_lesbian/
%
What do zombie college students eat?

Raw-men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zdq80/what_do_zombie_college_students_eat/
%
One day a woman and her baby got onto a bus

As the woman paid the bus driver, he said to her, “That is one ugly baby!"
The woman was furious and stomped to her seat.
"What's the matter?"asked
another passenger.
"The bus driver just insulted me!"
"Well go up there and tell him off
while I hold your monkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zdnio/one_day_a_woman_and_her_baby_got_onto_a_bus/
%
Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

It wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zdgn9/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_baby/
%
Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Italy...

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Italy. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially if you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite!"
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zdg00/two_beggars_are_sitting_side_by_side_on_the/
%
Im hosting a charity event tonight for people who cant reach orgasm

If you can't cum let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zdexk/im_hosting_a_charity_event_tonight_for_people_who/
%
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem...

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zdeml/a_man_and_his_young_wife_were_in_divorce_court/
%
When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, I wasn't prepared for all the changes I'd have to make...

...like my name, phone number, job, city where I live...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zdeib/when_my_girlfriend_told_me_she_was_pregnant_i/
%
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights

of a patrol car behind them.  When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."  The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car." The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"  She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zdcme/a_man_and_his_wife_were_traveling_down_the/
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Three Chinese tortures.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zda90/three_chinese_tortures/
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My girlfriend is developing a weird body odor

It's not awful enough to prevent us from having sex or to turn me away from giving her oral but it is steadily getting worse.
Maybe it's about time I buried her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zd393/my_girlfriend_is_developing_a_weird_body_odor/
%
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zczts/what_gets_longer_when_pulled_fits_between_breasts/
%
A man walks into a bar and see a jar filled with $5 bills...

He sits down and the bartender tells him if he puts $5 in the jar and completes 3 different tasks he would win all the money in the jar.
The man agrees to try. He puts the $5 in the jar and then the bartender proceeds to tell him what he first 3 tasks are.
"First you have to drink a whole bottle of tequila without making a face. Second there's a angry Rottweiler out back with a sore tooth that you need to pull. And finally there's an old woman upstairs who has never had sex in her life. Go upstairs have sex with her and then you'll get all the money."
The man agrees to the challenge and puts $5 in the jar.
He first grabs the tequila and downs the whole bottle without making a face. The bartender then tells him go outside next. The man then heads outside to complete his second task.
While the man is outside the bartender can hear the Rottweiler growling and howling and making a lot of noise as he completes the second task.
He''s out there for awhile and finally comes back in obviously exhausted. He has blood, scratches, and bite marks covering his body. He then turns to the bartender and says "Okay, now where's the lady with the sore tooth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zczc5/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_see_a_jar_filled_with/
%
What happened when Hitler lost his glasses?

He could Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zcwif/what_happened_when_hitler_lost_his_glasses/
%
A man wakes up one morning to a terrible sound outside his bedroom window.

He walks over, pulls back the drapes, and sure enough, there's a giant silverback gorilla in his oak tree making all kinds of noise and shaking the branches. The man quickly reaches for the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. He gets a guy on the phone and explains the situation. The service guy says he'll be there in fifteen minutes. When he shows up, he gets out of his van, looks up into the tree, and confirms the gorilla's presence. He goes back to the van and pulls out a long pole, a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun, and a chihuahua. He gives the handcuffs and the shotgun to the homeowner and says "Alright, here's how this is going to work...you stand here with the chihuahua...he's a highly trained dog. I'm going to climb up the tree with my pole and knock the gorilla off that branch. When he hits the ground, that chihuahua is going to run over to that gorilla and attack his nuts. When he does, the gorilla is going to try and protect himself with his hands, so I want you to walk over and put the handcuffs around his wrists and I'll climb down and put him in the van." The man looks incredibly confused, and asks "Well, what in the hell is the shotgun for?" The service man replies "If I fall out of that tree, you shoot that damn chihuahua."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zcu78/a_man_wakes_up_one_morning_to_a_terrible_sound/
%
So a man walks into a department store... (long)

A Spanish-speaking man who didn’t speak English well was in an American store, looking to buy socks. Unable to find them, he approached a saleswoman who asked if she could help. "Quiero calcetines," the man said.
“I’m afraid I don’t speak any Spanish, but we have some nice suits on this side," said the woman, trying to be helpful.
“No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
The woman said, "Well, what about these shirts? They’re on sale this week."
“No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," he said.
“I’m sorry, I still don’t know what you’re trying to say," said the saleswoman. "There are some fine pants on this rack."
The man insisted, "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines."
“Our undershirts are over here," she tried, beginning to lose patience.
“No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines!" the man repeated.
But as they passed the underwear section, the man spotted a display of socks and grabbed a pair excitedly. Showing them to her, he exclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"
“‘Well, if you could spell it," said the exasperated saleswoman, "why didn’t you do that in the beginning?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zcsxb/so_a_man_walks_into_a_department_store_long/
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Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.

As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, "that's a little condescending."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zcr94/today_i_saw_a_midget_prisoner_climbing_down_a_wall/
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A black man walked into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bar man asks, "Whoa, cool. Where did you get him?"
The parrot says, "Africa! There are loads of them running around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zcmop/a_black_man_walked_into_the_bar_with_a_parrot_on/
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What is the hardest thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.
I'm going to hell..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zcm9p/what_is_the_hardest_thing_about_breaking_up_with/
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Two prostitutes are walking along a quiet street at night...

...when they encounter a policeman standing in a doorway. "Good evening ladies" he says..."I know what you are doing" he continues...
"Have you ever been picked up by The Fuzz?" he enquires...
The two girls both look knowingly at one another and one of them sighs "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zckuq/two_prostitutes_are_walking_along_a_quiet_street/
%
I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zck28/i_dont_always_tell_dad_jokes/
%
I think i'm lactose intolerant

I've had 6 milkshakes today and feel like crap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zcjr9/i_think_im_lactose_intolerant/
%
How many Grateful Dead Fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.  They just watch it burn out and follow it around for twenty years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zci8u/how_many_grateful_dead_fans_does_it_take_to/
%
What do you call a family of 8 rabbits?

One rabbyte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zci7q/what_do_you_call_a_family_of_8_rabbits/
%
My father was a wonderful man.

He’s still alive, he just turned into a cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zchn4/my_father_was_a_wonderful_man/
%
What's Harry Potters favourite way of getting down a hill? Walking

Jk, rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zchml/whats_harry_potters_favourite_way_of_getting_down/
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When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment...

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zche6/when_a_man_talks_dirty_to_a_woman_its_sexual/
%
What's r/jokes's favorite breakfast?

A retoast with butter on top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zcfa5/whats_rjokess_favorite_breakfast/
%
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem...

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zcbue/a_man_and_his_young_wife_were_in_divorce_court/
%
I grew up in a small town that only had one general store, one bar and one prostitute.

Mum found it pretty hard working three jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zcbmf/i_grew_up_in_a_small_town_that_only_had_one/
%
Jospehine owns a clothes shop...

...most of her customers use the shop's mail-order service but one afternoon a mail-order customer turns up at her store very unhappy:
"This dress I ordered from you is a terrible fit! The cuffs need taking in an inch and a half, and the hem needs taking up an inch!"
Embarrassed, Josephine promises to fix the dress and send it back to the customer the very next day.
Next morning, Josephine has finished the dress but she is worried. She asks her shop assistant:
"Did the woman who brought this dress in earlier leave her contact details? I don't know where I should be sending it."
Her assistant says:
"Why don't you hire some of the guys at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting the same thing with slight alterations."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zcb5f/jospehine_owns_a_clothes_shop/
%
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words ...

"Stop shaking the fucking ladder you little cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zc9t3/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
%
If we're all God's Children...

What's so special about Jesus ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zc90y/if_were_all_gods_children/
%
A nervous mountaineer looks at the steep mountain...

Which his guide had proposed to climb.
- Do people tumble down often here?
- No, the guide said, one time is usually enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zc5o3/a_nervous_mountaineer_looks_at_the_steep_mountain/
%
Mary had a little lamb...

and the midwife passed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zc5li/mary_had_a_little_lamb/
%
I got my little brother a Cisformer for his birthday

It's like a transformer, but it starts out as a car and stays that way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zc3ha/i_got_my_little_brother_a_cisformer_for_his/
%
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees...

I thought at first that she was joking.
And then I saw her face...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zc32t/when_my_girlfriend_said_she_was_leaving_because/
%
Did you hear about the blind circumsiser?

He got the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zc0t5/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_circumsiser/
%
A black kid and his father are on an airplane

The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement.
"Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A's. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane."
The little boy starts getting up but his dad stopps him.
"We are not African Americans."
Shortly after another announcement is made.
"Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy. We must move to the B's. Will all blacks please jump out of the plane."
The boy starts getting up but his dad stops him again.
"No son we are not black."
Shortly after another announcement is made.
"Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy, we must now move to the C's. Will all colored people please jump out the plane."
Again the boy starts getting up but his dad stops him.
"No son were not colored."
"But dad, if we're not African American, black, or colored, what are we?"
"Son, today we're niggers and we sure as hell aint jumping before the Mexicans!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zbzwk/a_black_kid_and_his_father_are_on_an_airplane/
%
Some people are like slinkies

Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zbvkb/some_people_are_like_slinkies/
%
You may think i'm odd for eating ham and pineapple sandwiches..

But hey..
That's just Hawaii roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zbtrn/you_may_think_im_odd_for_eating_ham_and_pineapple/
%
I was walking through the cemetery..

Saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning..". He said, "No. Taking a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zbox2/i_was_walking_through_the_cemetery/
%
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zbojq/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray

is now a seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zbljj/a_soldier_who_survived_mustard_gas_and_pepper/
%
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night...

I should have put it on aloha setting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zbki4/i_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_last_night/
%
Divorce

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zbj5e/divorce/
%
Two prostitutes are walking down the street...

One turns to the other and asks "have you been picked up by the fuzz yet?" The other replies "No, but I've been slung around by my tits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zbg8b/two_prostitutes_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well...

and a genie pops out. The genie tells him "You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish."
"I want a dragon."
"Are you sure? That's... pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?"
"I want to learn how to fold a fitted sheet."
"...what color dragon do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zbeuh/a_man_throws_a_dollar_coin_into_a_wishing_well/
%
What do you call a fight between a child molester and an illegal immigrant?

Alien versus Predator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zbe9j/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_a_child_molester/
%
Why was oedipus against profanity

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zbb6i/why_was_oedipus_against_profanity/
%
Cinderella was now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now-dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a dog named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!"
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned - and Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
Then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looked over to the frightened dog in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old dog, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young, muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered....
"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zba0h/cinderella_was_now_95_years_old/
%
If Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God...

Did Mary have a little lamb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zb81z/if_mary_had_baby_jesus_and_baby_jesus_was_the/
%
Well you know what they say about history.

Those who don't learn from history:
Those who don't learn from history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zb5th/well_you_know_what_they_say_about_history/
%
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zb2kw/a_teacher_asks_her_class_what_do_you_want_to_be/
%
What did a Mexican take Xanax for?

For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zb19n/what_did_a_mexican_take_xanax_for/
%
I watched a documentary on strokes

It was a bit one sided

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zb194/i_watched_a_documentary_on_strokes/
%
A woman is at home alone, naked as the day she was born

She hears a knocking on the door and says aloud, "Who is it?"
"I'm the blind man. Can I come in?" came the reply on the other side.
Deliberating for a moment, the woman then says, "Alright, then. Come in."
The door opens, and the man says, "Nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zav69/a_woman_is_at_home_alone_naked_as_the_day_she_was/
%
How does a woman differ from a computer?

You can actually punch information into a computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zasw5/how_does_a_woman_differ_from_a_computer/
%
The adoption interview

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there, raise doubts about the living conditions in a circus, but the couple produce photos of their 50-foot luxury motor home, which is clean and well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers also raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zapbx/the_adoption_interview/
%
One the my 8th grade history teacher told the class in 1977

A man was standing at a bus stop, a drunk was sitting against a building just behind him. A bus pulls up and a beautiful blonde woman steps off. The man approaches her and whispers something in her ear. She reacts with shock and says, "what?!?" The man says "Particularly nasty weather." The woman calms down and walks away.
This happens a couple more times as busses come and let people off. The man would whisper into a woman's ear and when she would get upset, he would say, "particularly nasty weather", which would calm her down and she'd walk away.
The drunk was watching all of this and finally gets up, approaches the man and asks what he's saying to these women that makes them upset. The man explains.  "I wait for a bus to let people off. If I see a woman I like, I go up to her an whisper, 'tickle your ass with a feather?'.  If she says yes, we go off and have a little fun. If she gets offended I say, 'particularly nasty weather' and she thinks she heard me wrong and I don't get slapped."
The drunk asks if he can try. The man steps back as the next bus arrives. A nice brunette steps off and the drunk approaches her.  He speaks loudly, "shove a feather up your ass lady?"  She is aghast and raises her hand and says, "what?!?!?" The drunk says, "well fuck, it's raining ain't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zanhc/one_the_my_8th_grade_history_teacher_told_the/
%
Can you name even one East African country?

Well, Kenya?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zan5q/can_you_name_even_one_east_african_country/
%
A father and his 3 daughters.

A father is sitting in his den when his 3 daughters approach him. The first says "daddy, why am I named Rose?"
The father replies "well when your mommy and I took you from the hospital, a rose petal fell on your head. So we called you Rose."
The next daughter asked "daddy, why am I named Daisy?"
Again the father replies "well sweetheart, when your mommy and I took you from the hospital, a daisy petal fell on your head. So we called you Daisy."
The third daughter approaches and says "gnahhh paaa".
The father replies "hush now, cinder block."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zakma/a_father_and_his_3_daughters/
%
I have a lot in common with my brake rotors..

We're both warped and barely functioning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zajvr/i_have_a_lot_in_common_with_my_brake_rotors/
%
Why does Kim Jong Un have an email?

So he can eat all the spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4zaho9/why_does_kim_jong_un_have_an_email/
%
Why do black people go to church?

Because the father is actually there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4za8xu/why_do_black_people_go_to_church/
%
And the award for best neckwear goes to...

huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4za8oh/and_the_award_for_best_neckwear_goes_to/
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What's the difference between a kindergarten class and an ISIS camp?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4za8mh/whats_the_difference_between_a_kindergarten_class/
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The barber in my neighborhood just got arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 4 years, and I never knew he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4za5wq/the_barber_in_my_neighborhood_just_got_arrested/
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Why are orphans bad at baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4za5qq/why_are_orphans_bad_at_baseball/
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What does a muslim man call a woman he wants to sleep with, but can't due to religious reasons?

Harambae

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4za3cg/what_does_a_muslim_man_call_a_woman_he_wants_to/
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Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4za2ss/farmer_joes_bull_breaks_down_the_barbed_wire/
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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

It heard the referee was blowing fowls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4za0ak/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_basketball_court/
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A black guy with a parrot walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "wow! That is beautiful! Where did you get it?" The parrot responded, saying, "there are millions of them running around in Africa."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9r9g/a_black_guy_with_a_parrot_walks_into_a_bar/
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My boss let me have a day off work because my wife was having a baby

The next day he asked me if it was a boy or a girl, I said i'd tell him in about 9 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9ove/my_boss_let_me_have_a_day_off_work_because_my/
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Two friends are talking , "So what are you doing for summer vacation?"

The other one replies " I want to go to Italy again ,  like last  year"---
"Wow you went to Italy last year?"-----------
" No, but I did want to go "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9orp/two_friends_are_talking_so_what_are_you_doing_for/
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On the anniversary of Harambe's death...

the Cincinnati Zoo should have special deals all day. Discounts for Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9nre/on_the_anniversary_of_harambes_death/
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Does anyone want to buy a used Theremin?

I haven't touched mine in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9ndl/does_anyone_want_to_buy_a_used_theremin/
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Match at the Gas Station

On his first day working at the gas station, John watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" John said as a joke.
"It would go out," the co-worker replied in a very factual manner.
"Really?" John asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"
"No, the force from the explosion would blow out the match."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9n6j/match_at_the_gas_station/
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I have a silly friend named Oedipus...

He's a stupid motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9l84/i_have_a_silly_friend_named_oedipus/
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A third lady goes into a pet shop...

...she, like the two ladies before her, is also looking to buy a parrot. She also takes a liking to a particularly foul-mouthed and ill-tempered parrot (this shop has a lot of them). She takes the parrot home, thinking it will be a fun project to clean up his act.
At home, she tries to teach the parrot how to say "You look nice this evening." However, the parrot will only say, "You look like shit!"
She tries to teach the parrot how to say "Please feed me." However, he will only say, "Yo, gimme some fucking food, bitch!"
She tries for days to change the parrot's habits, but he is still as foul-mouthed and rude as ever. The woman's patience is growing thin, and she begins to feel that she made a terrible mistake buying such a mean pet.
Finally, one day, after an hour of trying to teach the parrot to say something nice, the parrot says, "Shut the fuck up already, you old ugly hag!" The woman is fed up, screams, and in her frustration, opens the freezer door and stuffs the parrot inside.
The parrot begins squawking loudly and furiously, beating his wings and making an enormous racket from inside the freezer. After about ten seconds, the noise stops. Fearing the worst, the woman immediately feels a wave of remorse and shame wash over her. She throws open the freezer door, and is relieved to see the parrot is alive and well.
He calmly steps out of the freezer, hops onto the counter, and says, "Thank you so much for letting me out. I very much appreciate it."
The woman is stunned, but says, "You're welcome."
The parrot continues, "I'm sorry about my earlier behavior. If there's ever anything you need, I am at your service."
The woman has no idea what to make of this, but thanks the parrot all the same. There is an awkward silence.
Finally, the parrot says, "...may I ask what the chicken did?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9k9e/a_third_lady_goes_into_a_pet_shop/
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A man walks into a bar pulls out a revolver

He shouts *"Everybody Listen Up!"* and the bar goes silent.
*"I have come home after working long shifts and i found out my wife is cheating on me, All I know is whoever it is comes to this bar!"*
He is obviously upset and he holds up his revolver and continues on to say *"This here is my great grandfathers trusty six shooter, If you sleep with my wife I'm not afraid to take your life"*
With a quiver in his voice he shouts at the top of his lungs *"IDENTIFY YOURSELF!"*
A voice is heard from the back of the bar *"You're going to need more bullets"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9jdq/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_pulls_out_a_revolver/
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I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows a little high today.

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9hxy/i_told_my_wife_shed_painted_her_eyebrows_a_little/
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My wife’s resting in the garden.

Well, at rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9gjg/my_wifes_resting_in_the_garden/
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Last night my girlfriend asked me "Which of my girlfriends do you think is the prettiest?"

What I actually heard was "Do you want a fight?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9fkh/last_night_my_girlfriend_asked_me_which_of_my/
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Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.'

We laughed about it. Then my wife said, 'Don't make the same mistake I did.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9fgr/having_dinner_last_night_my_sixyearold_turned_to/
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Just one, actually.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9cvz/just_one_actually/
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I work for the world's biggest NanoTechnology company

We're not very good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9cjv/i_work_for_the_worlds_biggest_nanotechnology/
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the Deaf Couple

There's a deaf couple. When it comes to making love, they have to use signs and body language to communicate what the other wants. One day the wife says. "honey, if you want to make love to me pinch my right boob 1 time. If you do not want to make love to me pull my left boob 2 times".
The husband quickly responds "honey, if you want to make love to me pull my penis 1 time. If you do not want to make love pull my penis 97 times"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9cho/the_deaf_couple/
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No legged parrot

A guy is convinced his wife is cheating on him so he comes up with a plan to buy a parrot to spy on his wife.
He goes to the pet shop and asks the pet shop owner for the best speaking, most intelligent parrot he has. The owner disappears out back for a while and comes out with a cage with a white sheet draped over it. He says "inside this cage is the most intelligent parrot I have ever had.. The only problem is, during transit he lost both his legs so he has adapted a clever way to stay on his perch"
He removes the sheet and to the man's surprise, the parrot is hanging by his penis.
After controlling his giggles the man says "so long as he is clearly spoken and intelligent, i'll have him!"
The man takes the parrot home and presents it to his wife as a gift. With the wife out the room he says to the parrot "Right, you are to watch my wife's every move while I'm at work and then in the evening you report back any weird behaviour, got it?"
The parrot replies "No problem - simple!"
The next day after work, the man comes in and takes the parrot to one side. "So? Did anything strange happen?"
The parrot calmly replies "Well, a man came round shortly after you left for work and him and your wife sat in the living room with their arms around eachother watching TV"
"Then what happened?!" The man asked growing evermore curious
"Well they started kissing and groping eachother. After a while the man took his shirt off"
"THEN WHAT HAPPENED??"
"Your wife ripped all her clothes off and started playing with herself"
Trying not to blow his top, the man asks through gritted teeth "Then what?!"
The parrot looks away sheepishly and responds "I don't know, I got a boner and fell off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z9chc/no_legged_parrot/
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Jedi Knights love analogies.

"Metaphors be with you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z98qa/jedi_knights_love_analogies/
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A man is set to marry the love of his life

But during the planning process, he noticed that his soon to be mother-in-law, who was very attractive, seemed to be flirting with him. He quickly dismisses this idea and sums it up to the stress causing him to think too deeply about the situation.
At the rehearsal, she pulled him aside and said that later that evening she had some last minute wedding plans that she wanted to discuss and asked him to stop by her house after the rehearsal.
The man is skeptical but obliges. When he shows up he and his soon to be mother-in-law are the only ones there. She sits him down on the couch and says "Look, I understand you are going to be marrying my daughter tomorrow and this is the last chance I'm going to have at this. I want you to meet me back in the bedroom and fuck me silly before everything is official. I'm going to go back there and get completely naked and the next move is up to you."
She leaves and the man is sitting on the couch in deep though about how to handle this situation. After a couple minutes he stands up and heads for the front door. When he opened it, there stood his soon to be father-in-law with tears of joy streaming down his face, "You are the one! You have passed our test and now we are able to rest easy knowing that someone as loyal as you will be marrying our daughter."
The moral of the story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z900y/a_man_is_set_to_marry_the_love_of_his_life/
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Why are prosthetic limbs so in fashion?

Anyone can pull them off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z8zf1/why_are_prosthetic_limbs_so_in_fashion/
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If an illegal immigrant and paedophile have a fight

Does that make it Alien vs Predator?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z8w2w/if_an_illegal_immigrant_and_paedophile_have_a/
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My Grandfather died quietly in his sleep.

Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z8vzq/my_grandfather_died_quietly_in_his_sleep/
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There once was a Bulgarian who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z8vpb/there_once_was_a_bulgarian_who_drove_trains_for_a/
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If you were born in September...

Then, you can be sure that your parents started the New Year, with a bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z8p4q/if_you_were_born_in_september/
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My son was born without eye lids

My son was born with out eye lids, so when they circumcised him they used his foreskin as new eye lids.
He's alright now, just a little cock-eyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z8osk/my_son_was_born_without_eye_lids/
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Drunk guy comes home to his wife [long]

His wife offers him an ultimatum - "You come home in a mess again, and I'm leaving you".
The next day, the guy bumps into a friend, they end up in a pub. The man gets shit-faced and vomits all over himself.
"Shit" the guys says. "If I go home like this my wife will leave me"
"No problem" says his friend. "I'll stick a £10 note in your pocket, and tell the wife that someone else was sick on you, and gave you £10 to get your clothes dry-cleaned".
With the solution to his problem, the drunkard heads home. His wife sees him and is predictably furious.
He explains "no darling, it's ok - a gentleman vomited on me and gave me £10 for the dry-cleaning".
"That's all very well" the wife replies, "but what's the *other* £10 note for?"
Guy replies "ah - that was from the man who shat in my pants".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z8occ/drunk_guy_comes_home_to_his_wife_long/
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A french, an english and a german general are talking about submarine technology

The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days.
The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days
Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: "SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z8hrb/a_french_an_english_and_a_german_general_are/
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A lady walks in front of a pet shop everyday...

And everyday the parrot in the showcase yell: "A wild beach is passing by!".
That went on for weeks - every single day she walked by the pet shop, the parrot yelled the same thing at her.
One day she got tired and decided to talk to the shop owner. She entered the shop and told him what have been happening in the last weeks.
The pet shop owner said he would solve the problem.
Days go by, the lady passed everyday in the front of the pet shop for a week and heard nothing.
After a week, she grew curious and decided to visit the pet shop to see what the owner had done with the parrot.
She enters the shop, see a black bird where the parrot once was, and asked the owner what he did with the parrot.
He replies "You see that black bird there? It is the parrot, I just painted it black and it stopped."
Intrigued, the lady asked "But how did that help?"
The parrot quickly answered "I do no talk to bitches when I'm wearing my tuxedo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z8fm5/a_lady_walks_in_front_of_a_pet_shop_everyday/
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What kind of knots only exist in space?

Astro-knots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z8f2h/what_kind_of_knots_only_exist_in_space/
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[Long] A man is leaving his village for the weekend...

...and asks his friend if he can watch his parrot while he's gone. The friend assures that he the man nothing to worry about, and wishes him a safe trip.
When the man returns, he asks how everything went. His friend said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. Your parrot died while you were gone." The man looks at his friend and says, "Oh my goodness, how did this happen?" His friend says, "Well, he ate some rotten meat, so I imagine that's what did him in."
The man looked very puzzled, then eventually asked, "Rotten meat? Where did he get rotten meat from?" The man's friend says, "Oh, well it was from the horses that died pulling the water carts to your house to put out the fire."
The man is furious, and asks his friend, "Why was my house on fire!?" The man's friend said, "It was probably that candle from the funeral. I forgot to put it out, and it must've caught the drapes on fire."
The man calmed down a bit and looked at his friend very sadly. After thinking for a minute, he said to his friend, "I'm sorry to here that someone you know passed away. Who's funeral was it?" His friend says, "Oh, right. Your mother."
The man's eyes grew large and he yells, "MY MOTHER!? WHY HAVEN'T I HEARD ABOUT THIS!?" The man begins to sob and cry, and eventually asks, "How did this happen? She was in such good health!" His friend said, "She came by to surprise you and I thought it was someone trying to rob the house, so I shot her on sight."
The man looks at his friend with fury in his eyes. He gets up and starts choking his friend yelling, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" His friend, barely being able to squeeze out words gargles, "Please calm down man! It was just a parrot!"
Disclaimer: This is my first post, so my formatting is probably terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z8c2y/long_a_man_is_leaving_his_village_for_the_weekend/
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Harambe went to a bar

Bartender: What can I get you today?
Harambe: May I get a martini?
Me: Just ice for Harambe.
Harambe: Just ice?
Me: Justice for Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z8880/harambe_went_to_a_bar/
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z882o/whats_brown_and_sticky/
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Today my wife asked, "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?"

Turns out "Yes I do" was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z83e0/today_my_wife_asked_would_you_still_love_me_if_i/
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A young blonde woman

is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z8368/a_young_blonde_woman/
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I broke my finger today...

but on the other hand..I'm completely fine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z82m2/i_broke_my_finger_today/
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I just got subscription to a Magazine About lettuce...

...I mean, It's fun to leaf through, and full of crisp facts -*And that's just issue 1!* The publishers assure me that it's only the tip of the iceberg! Gee, I can't wait for issue 2 to see what facts romaine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z80xq/i_just_got_subscription_to_a_magazine_about/
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I've spotted six Pokémon today

but I don't have the game so I may need new meds...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7xzi/ive_spotted_six_pokémon_today/
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Friends are like snowflakes

If you pee on them, they disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7xl0/friends_are_like_snowflakes/
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A man comes to the infodesk in a mall

And says: "Sorry, I seem to have lost my son in the mall, can I make an announcement on your PA system?"
"Oh, sure"
The man leans towards the mike: "I'm vegan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7x4s/a_man_comes_to_the_infodesk_in_a_mall/
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What does an Italian cow say when he gets an extra delivery of hay to the barn?

That's amorehay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7wl5/what_does_an_italian_cow_say_when_he_gets_an/
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I became a proud dad today....

My son is actually five, but he was a boring little cunt for the first four years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7v8x/i_became_a_proud_dad_today/
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What do you do when you miss your ex?

Reload and shoot again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7t2l/what_do_you_do_when_you_miss_your_ex/
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Everyone has a Lie-Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked: ‘What are those clocks?’
St. Peter answered: ‘Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.’
‘Oh,’ said the man, ‘Whose clock is this?’
‘That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.’
‘Incredible,’ said the man.
‘that’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.’
‘Where’s Hillary Clinton’s clock?’
‘her Clock in in Jesus office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7rad/everyone_has_a_lieclock/
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So far 42 out of 43 presidents actually ran for office.

FDR just kind of rolled himself in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7ord/so_far_42_out_of_43_presidents_actually_ran_for/
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Wife's Diary

:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7ob2/wifes_diary/
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How Grandpa made $25,000 in one afternoon...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7mu9/how_grandpa_made_25000_in_one_afternoon/
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A man goes to the doctors for a physical.

The doctor says "you have to stop masturbating"
The man replies "why?"
The doctor responds "because I'm trying to give you a physical"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7m3q/a_man_goes_to_the_doctors_for_a_physical/
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I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.

Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7kwj/i_always_look_for_a_woman_who_has_a_tattoo/
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Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Seven."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7iyj/doctor_im_sorry_but_you_suffer_from_a_terminal/
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How do Germans tie their shoes?

In little Nazis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7hxe/how_do_germans_tie_their_shoes/
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Once there was a chicken,

who was very stubborn and troubled his owner very much.
One day the owner got fed up of him and closed him inside a basket, but the chicken was stubborn and escaped from the back.
The owner got even more angry and locked the chicken in a cage, but the chicken was stubborn and escaped from the back.
The owner filled with rage killed, cooked and ate the chicken.
.
.
But the chicken was stubborn.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7h1q/once_there_was_a_chicken/
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Why did Edward miss his flight out of Russia?

Because he was Snowden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7g0j/why_did_edward_miss_his_flight_out_of_russia/
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A Canadian couple goes on vacation to Australia

They decide they want to see the real Outback, so they hire a car and head out to explore, and find their way to a tiny little Outback town.  After arriving and getting a hotel, they find the local pub, walk in and have a seat.
A local bloke comes over to strike up a conversation, and asks, "We don't get many out-of-towners, here, where are you folks from?"
"Saskatoon, Sasketchewan," the husband replies, smiling.  The bloke nods and walks back over to his mates.
"So, where are they from?", asks one of his mates.
"Dunno," he replies.  "They don't speak any English."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7cqx/a_canadian_couple_goes_on_vacation_to_australia/
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A Baker, a Brickmaker, and a bombmaker are on a plane when one of the engines fail

The pilot asks them to throw anything they brought out the door to lighten the plane. The baker throws out a loaf of bread, the brickmaker throws out a brick, and the bombmaker throws out a bomb.
The plane crashes anyway and the pilot dies. Miraculously the 3 men survive. They start walking through the jungle hoping to find civilization when they come across a little boy crying.  They ask him "Why are you crying little boy?" He responds with "A loaf of bread fell out of the sky and hit me in the head." The baker, knowing that he did that, stayed behind to comfort him.
As the brickmaker and bombmaker continue, they come across another little boy crying. They ask him, "Why are you crying?" The boy responds, "A brick fell out of the sky and landed on my foot."  The brickmaker, knowing that this was his doing, stayed behind to comfort him.
The bombmaker continues on his walk to find civilization when he comes across another little boy laughing hysterically. He asks him, "Why are you laughing?" The little boy responds, "My daddy farted and the house blew up!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z7all/a_baker_a_brickmaker_and_a_bombmaker_are_on_a/
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I burned my Hawaiian pizza today...

I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z79qt/i_burned_my_hawaiian_pizza_today/
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What's white at the top and black at the bottom?

Society

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z78i1/whats_white_at_the_top_and_black_at_the_bottom/
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Two satellites got married

the wedding was okay, but the reception was incredible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z75ia/two_satellites_got_married/
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What do Dothraki use to count their horses?

A Khalculator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z74bh/what_do_dothraki_use_to_count_their_horses/
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When my Girlfriend got pregnant... Everything changed...

My name,  My Address, My phone number, My email ID
Everything.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z73x9/when_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_everything_changed/
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Did you see the video of the guy making out with the lady with the Zika Virus?

Yeah, apparently it went viral.
I know this is awful, but my coworkers laughed... so I got that going for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z73s5/did_you_see_the_video_of_the_guy_making_out_with/
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My sister called to say she dropped my kid.

I was shocked, I didn’t even know she was pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z708i/my_sister_called_to_say_she_dropped_my_kid/
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A wealthy lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He lowered the window between him and his driver, and ordered the car to be stopped.  The driver pulled the car to the side of the road, and the lawyer got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the lawyer.
“But, sir, I have a wife and two children!”
“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “Come with us.”
“But sir, I have a wife and six children!” the second man answered.
“Even better. Bring them as well!” answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem. The grass at my home is almost a foot tall.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z6w64/a_wealthy_lawyer/
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There's only one thing I hate more that white supremacy.

Black people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z6vw2/theres_only_one_thing_i_hate_more_that_white/
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I had to stop eating alphabet soup.

I kept developing a vowel blockage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z6s7y/i_had_to_stop_eating_alphabet_soup/
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Another lady goes to a pet shop...

And lands her eyes on a beautiful parrot. Lovely plumage and everything. She goes to the store owner and says, "I want this parrot. How much is it for?"
The shop owner says, "2000 dollars"
The lady says, "I understand the parrot is beautiful, but isn't the price a bit too high?"
Shop owner says, "Lady, this parrot is called Mickey and it talks. A lot. Go ahead ask it something."
The lady asks the parrot - "Hello Mickey, what do you think of me?"
The parrot says - "I think you're a cum-hungry whore, bitch!"
The lady is offended and says, "No way am I taking such a potty-mouth parrot."
The shop owner intervenes with "Lady, please give me 10 minutes and I will ensure Mickey behaves."
The shop owner then takes the parrot to the back of the store, brings out a pale of water, dunks Mickey in and asks "Are you going to fucking swear again?"
Mickey says, "Sure as fuck I will, you piece of shit!"
The shop owner then gets another bucket full of ice water, dunks Mickey in for 15 seconds and says, "How about now, fuckwit?"
Mickey goes, "I have learned my lesson, master. Please don't ever do that to me again. I shall be civil for the rest of my days."
The shop owner then brings Mickey back out and tells the lady, "I have cured him. You can test."
The lady then says, "Mickey, what will you say if I come home with a man?"
Mickey says, "That you have come home with your husband."
The lady asks again, "And what if I come home with two men?"
Mickey says, "That you are having a family dinner with your husband and your brother."
The lady then asks, "And what if I come home with three men?"
Mickey says, "Bro you better fetch that bucket of ice-water, I told you the bitch is a fucking whore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z6oyt/another_lady_goes_to_a_pet_shop/
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Yo momma is so fat...

I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing!
Note:No offense!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z6nlt/yo_momma_is_so_fat/
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A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government

, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z6mms/a_teacher_was_teaching_her_second_grade_class/
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Did you hear about the carpenter with no legs?

He was a handyman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z6lmy/did_you_hear_about_the_carpenter_with_no_legs/
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An Irish man decides to go on Mastermind....

He's called to the chair.
'Your chosen subject?' asks the presenter.
'Easter Rising of 1916, sir,' he replied.
Time starts now ... What was the date of the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
'Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
'How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
'That's right, Paddy - tell them nothing!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z6iob/an_irish_man_decides_to_go_on_mastermind/
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A young man walks into a bar

And sees a horse.
Young man: 'Why the long face?'
Horse: 'Women. The ones I like anyways.
Young man: 'Why? What's the problem? What kind of women do you like?'
Horse: 'I like my women like I like my coffee.'
Young Man: 'Ground up and in the freezer?'
Horse: 'N..What? No! Sweet and strong you freak.'
Two scientists walk in...
Horse: 'Hey guys, first one's on me. What'll it be?'
Scientist 2: 'We'll both have water thanks.'
Scientist 1 to Young Man: 'What's eating you?'
Young Man: 'I just found out my girlfriend's dad is a pharmacist.'
A dentist walks in.
Dentist: 'Drinks all round. I'm just back from a great safari holiday.'
Horse: 'I hope you were just shooting with a camera.'
Dentist: 'Don't be Cecilly. Sorry, so silly. Bagged myself some real trophies. Check my facebook."
Just then a chicken pops its head round the door.
Chicken: 'Sorry. Has anyone seen a tomato family walking around here? Sorry to bother you. Sorry.'
Scientist 1: 'Sure. They were across the street about ten minutes ago heading north. If you hurry you'll ketchup.'
Chicken: 'Sorry. Thanks. Sorry again. I have to go now. Sorry.'
Scientist 2: 'What's his deal?'
Horse: 'He's Canadian. Good guy.'
A screeching sound comes from outside followed by the unmistakable sound of a bus hitting a chicken.
*In heaven
St Peter: 'Look chicken, it's been a busy century, I've been whizzing round trying to find priests and lawyers for some young couple, some idiot just got in, the devil nabbed our only engineer, and to top it off some nuns have just been washing various body parts in the holy bowl. Do you mind waiting?'
Chicken: 'Yeah, no. Super sorry about all that. I'll just head down these stairs and go to hell so you can have a better morning. Sorry again. B-bye.'
St.Peter : 'Thanks man.'
The chicken heads for the stairs...
St.Peter: 'Next. Name and manner of death.'
Next in line: 'Harambe. I dunno what happened man. I was trying hug this kid who tried to jump me and the next thing I know I'm stood behind that chicken and that guy who died in the refridgerator.'
St. Peter: 'Ok, let me just check your lie clock.....'
A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z6ik3/a_young_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call an aligator in a vest

~~Investi~~ Fancy as  fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z6hkb/what_do_you_call_an_aligator_in_a_vest/
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ISIS takes Congress hostage

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z6hc7/isis_takes_congress_hostage/
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what's the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bathtub?

The girl in church has hope in her soul whilst the girl in the bathtub has...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z6gfo/whats_the_difference_between_a_girl_in_a_church/
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Did you hear about the prostitutes that started a bakery?

Everything is ho-made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z6ejw/did_you_hear_about_the_prostitutes_that_started_a/
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During wartime, the Philippine flag is flipped upside down so the red part is on top

The same thing is done with the French flag, but instead they remove the red and blue colors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z69eb/during_wartime_the_philippine_flag_is_flipped/
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Women can be so ungrateful

I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying "Thank You", she's all like "Who a are you?!? and, How did you get into my house?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z68ut/women_can_be_so_ungrateful/
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The Truth About Managers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.  He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: :Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says “You must be a manager.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z67hd/the_truth_about_managers/
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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z66xq/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_killer/
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"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job

Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z66qs/dress_for_the_job_you_want_not_the_job_you_have/
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What is a gays favorite sandwich

A lgblt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z667f/what_is_a_gays_favorite_sandwich/
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What do you do when you get into a fight with a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler.
This is my favorite joke that I have read on here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z660l/what_do_you_do_when_you_get_into_a_fight_with_a/
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I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8

Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z64qc/i_am_51_and_my_girlfriend_is_8/
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I was told insence would help me catch Pokemon

But no matter how many times I make out with my sister, I'm still not getting any Pokemon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z63kz/i_was_told_insence_would_help_me_catch_pokemon/
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Sending dick pics is for amateurs...

Real men get out there and disappoint women in real life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z61cb/sending_dick_pics_is_for_amateurs/
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Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...

“My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
“What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z607t/bill_pulled_up_a_stool_at_his_favorite_bar_and/
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saw a chameleon today

So it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5yc2/saw_a_chameleon_today/
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Wheelchair athletes have just been banned from the Paralympics

They tested positive for WD40

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5xw2/wheelchair_athletes_have_just_been_banned_from/
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How do cats speak to people?

They commeownicate. ^I'm^so^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5xd2/how_do_cats_speak_to_people/
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There's a central african tribe of pygmy called the ''Fakawi'.

But how did they get this name?..
Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall...
Every so often they could be seen jumping up shouting...
''Where the Fakawi?''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5w4b/theres_a_central_african_tribe_of_pygmy_called/
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I went to the clinic the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”
I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5u9z/i_went_to_the_clinic_the_other_day_and_found_out/
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The Govenment made a recent announcement.....

.......that it is changing the national flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you're actually being fucked!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5qqp/the_govenment_made_a_recent_announcement/
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What do you call a really bad mind reader?

Telepathetic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5qka/what_do_you_call_a_really_bad_mind_reader/
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Are you afraid of quantum mechanics ?

Dont worry, it's gonna be Feynman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5ps3/are_you_afraid_of_quantum_mechanics/
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How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to say the word, "unionized".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5ph1/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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Apparently 1 in 5 of us live next to a paedophile..

Not me though, I live next to a gorgeous 8 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5nuu/apparently_1_in_5_of_us_live_next_to_a_paedophile/
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borrow money from a pessimist

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5nab/borrow_money_from_a_pessimist/
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A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.

Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".
His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM THE DOORS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5mbi/a_son_and_his_dad_have_an_intense_argument_and/
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Drive through counter was being robbed...

While she was held at gunpoint, a cop car shows up at the counter.
Cops : Can we have 2 burgers.
Lady : give the burgers casually and passes a note that says "we have two armed men inside"
Cops : *reads the note* ofcourse they are two armed, how can one armed men make burgers O__o

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5lj5/drive_through_counter_was_being_robbed/
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What is a polygon?

A dead parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5law/what_is_a_polygon/
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Morality Test

Are you as moral as you think you are?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.You move closer.
Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Donald Trump!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:
You can save the life of  Donald Trump or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,
documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful Republican men hell bent on the destruction of America.
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.
"Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5iq7/morality_test/
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No matter how kind you are

German children are kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5ikl/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
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A Push Please

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5dib/a_push_please/
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I've been happily married for 3 years

Out of a total of 20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z5bae/ive_been_happily_married_for_3_years/
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"Are you coming over?" "Yes, I'm coming over."

"We should probably stop talking using the radios, over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z540m/are_you_coming_over_yes_im_coming_over/
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Two crows were sitting on a bench...

They were arrested for attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z53ce/two_crows_were_sitting_on_a_bench/
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A lot of people tell me I look like a blind Channing Tatum

I don't see it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z530f/a_lot_of_people_tell_me_i_look_like_a_blind/
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Tyrone first day at 1st grade

Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying. When his mother ask why he replays. "The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to e why is that." Mom says "cause u black and they white." Next day Tyrone is crying again . "What's wrong today Tyrone" his mother ask. Tyrone said "teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get to 10 why is that." Mom says "cause u black and they white." Next day he comes home smiling. "What happened today Tyrone?" Tyrone says mama "we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all . Is that cause I'm black and they white." Mama says "no Tyrone it's cause u 17 and they 6."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z51kx/tyrone_first_day_at_1st_grade/
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whats the difference in fast n furious and walking dead?

there's no Walker in Fast and Furious
.......RIP Paul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z50fk/whats_the_difference_in_fast_n_furious_and/
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Marine

A Marine goes to a hooker, things start heating up and she notices he isn't hard.  She asks if he needs help getting it up.  Too which he replies, no ma'am I've got complete control over my body.  He then yell "Private Ten Hut" and his dick gets  hard.. impressed the prostitute asks if he can get it to go limp again, the marine replies of course, and yells "Private at ease." immediately his dick goes limp.   The prostitute says can I see that again.  Again the Marine calls his dick to attention, then the prostitute starts playing with his balls.  She tells him to make it go limp again.  The Marine yells "Private at ease,"  nothing happens, again he yells "Private at ease," and again nothing happens.  He yells one last time "God dammit, Private i said at ease!"  Nothing happens the Marine then proceeds to walk to the corner, and masturbate.   He finishes and the prostitute asks him what that was all about he replies.  "Dishonorable Discharge Ma'am"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4y2s/marine/
%
What's the difference between a prostitute in the bath tub and a nun?

The nun has hope in her soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4t7v/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_in_the/
%
Every 60 seconds in Africa...

a minute passes, you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4rvn/every_60_seconds_in_africa/
%
A guy buys a parrot...

And he has been told in the pet store, this parrot can say 2 phrases. If you pull a string on its right foot, it would say: "Good morning". If you would pull a string on its left foot, it would say: " How are you?". So this guy decides to test these ones out at home. Sure enough, parrot says: " Good morning" as the guy pulls the right string and "How are you?" as he pulls the left one. The guy is so thrilled about his new pet, but he starts to wonder out loud: " Well, but what would happen if I pulled both of the strings at the same time?" And the parrot goes: " I would fall down, you motherfucker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4q2p/a_guy_buys_a_parrot/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4nrc/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Was it bad?

To  yell at my gf if I should dig up hitler to show her how to use an oven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4myn/was_it_bad/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to run a computer?

Dos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4lzi/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_run_a_computer/
%
Why can't a blonde dial 911

She can't find the eleven.
Not sure if someone already posted this joke but a friend told me so I had to post it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4lcv/why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
%
The difference between erotic and kinky:

Erotic is when you use a feather.
Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4l8c/the_difference_between_erotic_and_kinky/
%
A man went to a shop to buy a bra for his wife..

A man went to a garment shop to buy bra for his wife. The salesgirl asked" Sir, you want capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra ?"
The man, as any husbands only knew to unhook, nothing more.....
" What are they ? He asked.
Sales girl -  Sir...
Capitalistic suppresses the masses.
Socialistic uplifts the downtrodden.
Democratic makes mountains out of molehills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4kxa/a_man_went_to_a_shop_to_buy_a_bra_for_his_wife/
%
What did the cookie farmer say?

"I've been raisin' cookies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4ik9/what_did_the_cookie_farmer_say/
%
What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback
Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4hcn/what_concert_costs_45_cents/
%
"Honey, I don't like how you look with these new glasses."

"But I don't wear glasses.."
"I know, but I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4aop/honey_i_dont_like_how_you_look_with_these_new/
%
I got in line behind an old classmate of mine while vacationing at Disney World...

I said "Wow, it's a small world!"
She said, "actually this is Pirates of the Caribbean."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z453m/i_got_in_line_behind_an_old_classmate_of_mine/
%
What do you call a pepper in late autumn?

A little chili

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z44jw/what_do_you_call_a_pepper_in_late_autumn/
%
I went to an atom party last night.

It was crazy, but in the middle of the party a couple splitted up and the party exploded!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4496/i_went_to_an_atom_party_last_night/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea

He said he couldn't complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z4422/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_to_live/
%
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today....

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z425f/i_cant_believe_i_forgot_to_go_to_the_gym_today/
%
A man dies and goes to hell

A demon is there to meet him.
"Hello, and welcome to hell." He says. "You weren't too bad, so you get to choose your eternal punishment."
The demon then shows the man to three doors. Behind the first door is a bunch of people, all standing on their heads on a floor made of concrete. Behind the second door is a bunch of people, again on their heads, but the floor is made of sandpaper. Behind the third door is another group of people, waist deep in manure, walking around chatting with each other.
The man decides that he would get used to the smell so he enters the third door. He starts chatting with the people and trying to plug his nose. About a minute later Satan walks in, cracks his whip, and says "Okay, break's over! Everybody back on their heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z40q1/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
After many years of studying at a university

, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z40ae/after_many_years_of_studying_at_a_university/
%
Have you ever tried North Korean food?

Neither have they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3zlo/have_you_ever_tried_north_korean_food/
%
My wife’s cooking is so bad....

My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3wsw/my_wifes_cooking_is_so_bad/
%
I want to start up a driving service, similar to Uber, except the drivers are naked...

And name it Puber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3vf2/i_want_to_start_up_a_driving_service_similar_to/
%
I was eating at a nice dinner last night and realized that we spend a lot of money on something that is just going to turn to shit.

But enough about my romantic relationships.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3s4h/i_was_eating_at_a_nice_dinner_last_night_and/
%
I dig,

You dig,
We dig,
He dig,
She dig,
They dig,
It might not be a very beautiful poem, but at least, it's quite deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3s3s/i_dig/
%
Two terrorists in a bar

Two terrorists discussing in a bar. The waiter finds their behavior suspicious so he comes to their table and asks: "What are you talking about?"
Terrorist: "We are planning to kill five hundered people and a goat."
Waiter: "Why a goat?"
The first terrorist says to the other: "See? I told you nobody will care about five hundered people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3q1w/two_terrorists_in_a_bar/
%
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

Next day he received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3nwl/a_man_inserted_an_ad_in_the_classifieds_wife/
%
The Best Joke to Tell at Company Picnics

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says, "I have a big chest, maybe I have the biggest chest in the world!" The third guys says, "I have a small dick, maybe I have the smallest dick in the world!" So they each submit their applications to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters. A week later, the book is published, and they all gather around to see the results. The first guy opens the book and says, "Hey look! I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy looks and says "Wow! I can't believe I have the biggest chest in the world!" And the third guys looks and says, "...Who the fuck is [insert name of accounting guy]?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3nts/the_best_joke_to_tell_at_company_picnics/
%
Did you hear about the unfashionable mechanic?

He needed to change attire.
(I'm probably too proud of myself for making this one; someone's almost definitely done it before.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3ka1/did_you_hear_about_the_unfashionable_mechanic/
%
Why is Hillary Clinton running for President?

Because it's easier than running from Law Enforcement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3jd9/why_is_hillary_clinton_running_for_president/
%
The Irish Spy

A Russian agent is told he is to be sent on a Top Secret mission, where he will rendezvous with Murphy, the Irish spy on the shore of County Donegal. He is told that when he meets Murphy the code phrase is 'The Sun rises
slowly over Moscow'.
The next morning the agent is delivered, at 5 am, on the shore of county Donegal, the submarine disappears into the Atlantic. The agent looks around but Murphy is nowhere to be seen, the agent then happens to look up on the road and sees a man sweeping the road. He walks up to him.
'Are you Murphy?' the agent asks
The sweeper replies 'Yes, I am Murphy, but there are lots of Murphy's in County Donegal's
'Are there?!'
'Oh Yes, there are indeed, indeed there are, now there's Murphy the Window Cleaner, there's Murphy the Postman, Ah, and there's Murphy the Grocer. Oh, and Murphy the Milkman.
Which Murphy are you looking for?'
The Russian agent responds 'The Sun Rises Slowly Over Moscow..'.
The sweeper exclaims 'Oh, you'll want Murphy the Spy!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3ijz/the_irish_spy/
%
I couldn't figure out how to use a seatbelt

But then it clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3hu0/i_couldnt_figure_out_how_to_use_a_seatbelt/
%
I got a fishing pole for my wife

I thought it was a pretty good trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3f1l/i_got_a_fishing_pole_for_my_wife/
%
Chuck Norris got stabbed

The knife bled to death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3dtn/chuck_norris_got_stabbed/
%
What's the most dangerous thing in your freezer?

Ice is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3bml/whats_the_most_dangerous_thing_in_your_freezer/
%
To the person who stole my shoes at the McDonald's playplace:

Please grow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3blh/to_the_person_who_stole_my_shoes_at_the_mcdonalds/
%
They say you can't tell a funny joke about terrorism, but you can.

It's all in the execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z3a3v/they_say_you_cant_tell_a_funny_joke_about/
%
What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say?

"I feel a bit overdressed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z36ov/what_did_the_salad_wearing_a_tuxedo_say/
%
Really busy century in heaven

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Listen - we're having a really busy century, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a decade or two to work you in."
So St. Peter takes aside the first man, and asks him how he died. "Well, I'd been suspicious of my wife having an affair for some time now, so today I came home from work early. I just knew the guy was in my apartment, but I couldn't find him. I looked everywhere and was just about to give up, when I went out on the balcony of my 23rd story apartment and there he was hanging over the edge! He was just barely hanging on, there was no way he could climb back onto the balcony. It was a really stupid place to try to hide. I was livid, so I started punching him and clawing at his fingers, but he held on. Finally I went to get a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, and he fell down. But what really angered me was that he landed in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! I was so mad I grabbed the refrigerator, threw it off the balcony and it landed on him. Unfortunately I was so riled up by the incident I had a heart attack and died."
St. Peter was taken aback, and said "While you did die in a dramatic fashion, I think we need to look at that whole second degree murder before we let you in - off to limbo with you." He then approached the second man and asked him how he had died.
"I was riding my exercise bike on the balcony of my 24th story apartment, when the thing broke and threw me over the railing! I grabbed furiously at the railing and slipped, but managed to catch on the balcony below mine. I tried to climb up but it just wasn't possible. I thought I was going to fall but then someone came out on the balcony. I thought he would help me, until he started hitting me! I held on as best I could, but when he got a hammer and started hitting me I finally couldn't hold on anymore and fell. Somehow, though, I fell in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! Just as I'm coming around, I look up and BAM this refrigerator lands on me. So here I am."
St. Peter immediately admitted this second man to heaven, and pulled aside the third man and asked him for his story.
"Picture this: I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z35q1/really_busy_century_in_heaven/
%
What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brown

Artificial Intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z35g1/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_blonde_dyes_their_hair/
%
Has anyone here seen the Matthew McConaughey movie where he keeps getting grouchy in the early evenings and no one can figure out why...?

Failure to Lunch?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z343g/has_anyone_here_seen_the_matthew_mcconaughey/
%
TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z31tr/til_after_nigeria_was_unable_to_win_any_medals_in/
%
Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z2ycz/scientists_discovered_a_revolutionary_material/
%
Dark humor is like a child with cancer.

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z2ycu/dark_humor_is_like_a_child_with_cancer/
%
Since school is starting back up...

I wanted to give some people some tips for going back to school.
1. When you see a girl in the hall that you are interested in, motion for her to come to you with one finger.  When she asks what you want, say 'I wanted to see if I could make you come with one finger'
2. When you see a guy in the hall you don't like, motion for him to come to you with one finger in the same way.  When he asks what you want, just say 'I wanted to see how far I could pull shit without a string'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z2xu1/since_school_is_starting_back_up/
%
Ugliest Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z2s31/ugliest_baby/
%
My parents were like siblings.

And according to the police that was, like, a problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z2lkm/my_parents_were_like_siblings/
%
Boy and Mom funny conversation

Boy whispers to his mom during a wedding
Boy: Mommy?
Mom: What?
Boy: Why is the girl dressed in white?
Mom: Because this is the happiest day of her life.
Boy: so why is the boy dressed in black?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z2jza/boy_and_mom_funny_conversation/
%
A centurion and his cohort walk into a bar...

The bartender sighs and says, "Lemme guess.  You either want one martinus or you'll hold up two fingers in a V and ask for five."
The centurion stabbed him because the bartender was a Gaul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z2jpj/a_centurion_and_his_cohort_walk_into_a_bar/
%
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z2ihw/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
%
What do you call a plan to exterminate Hipsters?

The Vinyl solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z2ggw/what_do_you_call_a_plan_to_exterminate_hipsters/
%
What did the necropheliac say to her boyfriend?

Did rigor mortis just set in, or are you just happy to see me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z2ge7/what_did_the_necropheliac_say_to_her_boyfriend/
%
Jokes about unemployed people aren't funny

they just don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z2gcn/jokes_about_unemployed_people_arent_funny/
%
I went to one of those colleges where you can make up your own degree...

I ended up with a major in paedophilia and a minor in the back of my van.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z2d8i/i_went_to_one_of_those_colleges_where_you_can/
%
So I bought an elephant for my friend's room the other day.

When I gave it to her, she said, "Thanks."
And I said, "Don't mention it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z2d31/so_i_bought_an_elephant_for_my_friends_room_the/
%
There was a really horrible sound coming from my car, so I asked Siri to identify it.

Skrillex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z287u/there_was_a_really_horrible_sound_coming_from_my/
%
Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet.

He scares the shit out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z284p/chuck_norris_doesnt_flush_the_toilet/
%
Thematic funeral

A famous heart specialist died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z26lj/thematic_funeral/
%
A man walks into a barber shop

and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes. The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room." She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that." The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference." She says, "You tell him.  He's the one shaving you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z25i0/a_man_walks_into_a_barber_shop/
%
Hillary Clinton isn't a female. She's just an F

she deleted the emale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z22w1/hillary_clinton_isnt_a_female_shes_just_an_f/
%
No matter how kind you are....

German kids are kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z224d/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
In North Korea...

[edited] everything is grand and prosperous and USA is smelly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z21j6/in_north_korea/
%
Why can't you fart in an apple car?

It doesn't have windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z1zxg/why_cant_you_fart_in_an_apple_car/
%
Taste test

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
The children began to say:
"Red..................cherry,"
"Yellow...............lemon,"
"Green................lime,"
"Orange...............orange."
Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out! They're assholes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z1uh9/taste_test/
%
I don't see what's so offensive about calling someone from Pakistan a Paki...

It's like calling someone from Scotland a Scot, an Australian an Aussie or someone from France a cunt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z1owt/i_dont_see_whats_so_offensive_about_calling/
%
What's a dog's least favorite unit of measurement?

Pounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z1l5i/whats_a_dogs_least_favorite_unit_of_measurement/
%
What do you call a web developer who enjoys finding bugs in the system?

A spider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z1jwb/what_do_you_call_a_web_developer_who_enjoys/
%
What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A man will spend over half an hour looking for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z1i1s/whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a_golf/
%
Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenny," he says.
"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.
"I have three questions," he says.
"First -- what happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?”
Just then the bell rings for recess.
Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess.  When they resume Hillary says,
"Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?”
A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.
"What is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions," he says.
"First -- what happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?
"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, fifth -- where's Kenny?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z1hov/qa_time_whillary_clinton/
%
The longest I've been sober is 5 years...

...then I turned six years old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z1hfu/the_longest_ive_been_sober_is_5_years/
%
Why can't Asians make white babies?

Because two Wongs don't make a white

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z1g7f/why_cant_asians_make_white_babies/
%
Told my co-workers this joke about mandatory meetings.

You really had to be there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z1elh/told_my_coworkers_this_joke_about_mandatory/
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What's the difference between a black guy and a canoe?

Canoes tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z1dkh/whats_the_difference_between_a_black_guy_and_a/
%
My neighbors listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z1b4e/my_neighbors_listen_to_awesome_music/
%
What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z19kb/what_do_boobs_and_toys_have_in_common/
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Dad: Son.. Get me that Doptid

Son: What's a Doptid
Dad : You are...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z18x4/dad_son_get_me_that_doptid/
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In the United States the colors red white and blue represent freedom.

Unless they see it in their rear view mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z1755/in_the_united_states_the_colors_red_white_and/
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Why did the knight stop using the internet?

Because he was sick of chainmail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z15lb/why_did_the_knight_stop_using_the_internet/
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Sometimes I look out over the new construction in my city, old ground being dug up to make room for the new, and I think to myself:

I really should have buried the bodies somewhere else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z15jm/sometimes_i_look_out_over_the_new_construction_in/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z13o4/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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A lonely old farmer...

An old farmer had been single for awhile and finally decided that had been alone too long and ordered a mail order bride. A month passes and finally he goes and picks her up from the train station with his mule and wagon. They load up on the wagon and the mule doesn't budge. The farmer took a minute and says "That's one!" Finally the mule starts moving. On the way out of town the mule stops for a drink of water at a trough. The farmer, still irritated, says "That's two!" They start moving again and half way home the mule just stops in the middle of the road and won't move. Finally the farmer says "That's three!" And pulls out his rifle and shoots his mule. His new bride starts yelling at him "Why did you shoot are mule!? We needed him for around the farm!!" The farmer looks at her and says "That's one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z13d5/a_lonely_old_farmer/
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What's the hardest part about roller skating?...

A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z133h/whats_the_hardest_part_about_roller_skating/
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What's the dirtiest thing ever said at a gay bar?

"Excuse me sir, do you mind if I push in your stool?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z11wj/whats_the_dirtiest_thing_ever_said_at_a_gay_bar/
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What does Harambe order when he goes to a restaurant?

He gets the kids meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z1166/what_does_harambe_order_when_he_goes_to_a/
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Why don't black people get on cruise ships?

They're not falling for that again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0zls/why_dont_black_people_get_on_cruise_ships/
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0y3h/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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I was sexually assaulted by tony the tiger today.

I'm pushing charges for rrrrrrape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0tj0/i_was_sexually_assaulted_by_tony_the_tiger_today/
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A Nurse talks to her young Patient

Kid: Thanks for helping me get through these tough times, will you come and see me when I get out?
Nurse: I'd love to, but I am scared of visiting graveyards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0sqn/a_nurse_talks_to_her_young_patient/
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How to pick up a girl

Me: Are you interested in having the best sex of your life?
Her: No.
Me: Well then you came to the right place ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0rre/how_to_pick_up_a_girl/
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Girl: What do you like to do in your free time?

Guy: I spy on people.
Girl: Really? I like to take long walks in the park and go to the movies with my friends.
Guy: I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0r0d/girl_what_do_you_like_to_do_in_your_free_time/
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Kids are like farts

You only accept them if they're yours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0pbq/kids_are_like_farts/
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You know the times have changed...

When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0otf/you_know_the_times_have_changed/
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So Harambe walked into a bar

Bartender: What will you be having to drink?
Harambe: I'll have a beer
Me: No, he'll have just ice.
Bartender: Just ice?
Me: Yes, justice for Harambe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0n56/so_harambe_walked_into_a_bar/
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I buy all my guns from a guy that calls himself T-Rex...

He's a small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0l5l/i_buy_all_my_guns_from_a_guy_that_calls_himself/
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Why doesn't Mexico ever do well in the Olympics?

Because every mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already in America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0kk4/why_doesnt_mexico_ever_do_well_in_the_olympics/
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Grand dad and grand son go on a fishing trip.[Long]

A grand dad is taking his 6 year old grand son on a fishing trip for the day. Before they go out the grand mom packs the grand son a lunch and some snacks while the grand dad packs his own lunch and beers then they leave.
After an hour on the boat the grand dad opens a beer and begins to relax. The grand son looks at the beer and asks, "Hey grand dad can I have one of those beers?"
The grand dad replies, "Well son, does your penis touch your butthole?"
The grand son says, "Well no..."
Grand dad says, "Then you're too young to have one."
A little while later the grand dad pull out some chewing tobacco and begins to chew some and the grand son asks, "Hey grand dad can I have some of that chew stuff?"
He replies again, "Does your penis touch your butthole?"
Grand son answers, "No it doesn't."
Grand dad says, "Then you're too young, you can't have any."
After about a couple hours on the boat the grand dad and grand son haven't had a bite from the fish yet so the grand son decides to see what he has for lunch. He sees that the grand mom packed him some of her famous delicious cookies so he decides to snack on some of them in the boat.
When the grand dad sees the grand son eating the cookies he asks him, "Hey kiddo, can I have some of those cookies?"
The grand son replies, "Well grand dad, does your penis touch your butthole?"
The grand dad says, "Yes it does son"
So the grand son replies, "Then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0j8i/grand_dad_and_grand_son_go_on_a_fishing_triplong/
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Chuck Norris was bitten by a snake

After several day of agonising pain, the snake finally died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0glz/chuck_norris_was_bitten_by_a_snake/
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A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0ffr/a_lady_walks_into_a_pet_store/
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What tree gives the best high-fives?

A PALM tree!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0c2m/what_tree_gives_the_best_highfives/
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When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that.  I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0922/when_youre_from_the_farm_your_perception_is_a/
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Two guys are hunting in the woods

All of a sudden, one collapses. His friend calls 911 in a panic. "What do I do? My friend is dead!" "Just calm down," says the operator. "An ambulance is on the way. First, we need to make sure he is actually dead." There is silence for a moment. The operator hears a loud BANG!!!! The hunter returns to the phone. "Okay, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z07ew/two_guys_are_hunting_in_the_woods/
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TIFU By Mixing up my Client's Subway Order!

Whoops, wrong *sub*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z062x/tifu_by_mixing_up_my_clients_subway_order/
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Everybody on Earth dies and goes to Heaven....

The Lord comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time The Lord looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates! Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud! Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z03lb/everybody_on_earth_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Has anyone ever tried Ethiopian food?

neither have they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z021m/has_anyone_ever_tried_ethiopian_food/
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Most of the jokes posted here are like gay muslims

Beaten to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4z0015/most_of_the_jokes_posted_here_are_like_gay_muslims/
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Tried Googling "Missing Medieval Servant"

but I kept getting Page Not Found

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yzwx8/tried_googling_missing_medieval_servant/
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My town's population never changes

Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yzwrx/my_towns_population_never_changes/
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Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yzw2s/mexican_jokes_and_black_jokes_are_pretty_much_the/
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Ike, Mike, and Mustard

It was the early 60s and three brothers, Ike, Mike, and Mustard were taking a bus from Nashville to Memphis.  Somewhere along the way Mustard finds he needs to crap.  He nudges Ike.  "Hey man, what do I do, I really gotta crap."  Ike replies, "Fuck if I know.  Why don't you go in your sock?"  Mustard was against this, he didn't want to ruin a sock.  Well, the miles dragged on, and he needed to go worse than ever.  Eventually, he gives up, and craps in the sock.  Now he has a sock full of shit and no idea what to do with it.  He asks Ike, "Hey man, now that I've crapped in it, what do I do with it?"  Ike, disgusted, responds with, "throw it out the window!"  Mustard throws the sock out the window.  Almost immediately, they hear sirens.  The bus pulls over, and a highway patrolman climbs in, livid.  He asks, "who threw that sock?"  Mike, who had been silent through this whole thing respond with, "It was Mustard!."  The highway patrolman bellows, "Bullshit that was mustard!  It was pure shit!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yzunn/ike_mike_and_mustard/
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What do a short sighted Gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yzt4g/what_do_a_short_sighted_gynaecologist_and_a_puppy/
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A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy

and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy thinks for a moment and then responds, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, dammit! P-O-S-S-E!"
Edit : thanks a lot everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yzt20/a_bunch_of_indians_capture_a_cowboy/
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Good news and bad news

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yzmp5/good_news_and_bad_news/
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For some reason all of my friends are calling me racist

I just can't seem to get through to them that racism is a crime, and crime is for black people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yzkvq/for_some_reason_all_of_my_friends_are_calling_me/
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What's better than winning the Paralympic gold medal?

Not being in the Paralympics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yz97h/whats_better_than_winning_the_paralympic_gold/
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A Space Marine walks into a bar.

He says to the grizzled, portly barkeeper, "Bring me two beers." Seeing that he is alone, the barkeep asks him 'Why two?' The Space Marine chuckles and replies, "Simple, my friend. One for me, and one FOR THE EMPEROR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yz8uv/a_space_marine_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two priests are out driving one day

when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yz8bo/two_priests_are_out_driving_one_day/
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Jesus said "come forth unto me and recieve enternal salvation!"

Paul came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yz1wb/jesus_said_come_forth_unto_me_and_recieve/
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The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yz0vo/the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
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A man manages to get home absolutely shitfaced, at around 6 am.

He wakes up tucked in in his bed the next morning and he can't remember anything about how he got home or what had happened later. He notices he's in his pyjamas, and someone (his wife?!) has left him a delicious looking breakfast on a tray by the nightstand. His clothes are folded on the chair, his slippers are by the bedside, but he has no idea why. So he goes to the living-room, still puzzled, and finds his son.
-Hey, d'you know what happened when I came home last night?
-Yeah... You came home drunk and woke us all up, so mom took you to the bedroom. I think she was helping you take off your clothes and then you yelled: "GET OFF ME, BITCH!!! I'M FUCKING MARRIED!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yyzeb/a_man_manages_to_get_home_absolutely_shitfaced_at/
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Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because D-shells are too big and B-shells are too small.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yyves/why_do_mermaids_wear_seashells/
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Why was Hitler late for work?

He tried driving a new route to work, but instead of taking the second left, he took the third reich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yyv9a/why_was_hitler_late_for_work/
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My cock-eyed professor had a really bad day today.

His pupils got way out of line.
It made him so angry that he couldn't see straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yyv76/my_cockeyed_professor_had_a_really_bad_day_today/
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What's the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian?

A pair of jeans only has one fly on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yytr8/whats_the_difference_between_a_pair_of_jeans_and/
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Saw this stunning girl at a bar last night.

I got her a drink, walked over to her and then felt my knees go weak and my stomach turn to butterflies. Turns out that I spiked the wrong drink by mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yyt1g/saw_this_stunning_girl_at_a_bar_last_night/
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Why can't black people get PhD's?

Because they can't get past their Masters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yysld/why_cant_black_people_get_phds/
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What do you call a will?

a dead giveaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yyry4/what_do_you_call_a_will/
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An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"
The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yyp8t/an_american_walks_into_a_swiss_bank_with_two/
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Three Men Are Walking On A Beach

A white guy, a black guy, and a mexican are all walking along a beach when they stumble across a magic lamp.
The men agree that each of them get one wish before rubbing the lamp.
The black guy rubs the lamp and out pops a genie and asks the famous three wish line.
The black man wishes for all black people to have a wonderful life in Africa as they do in America. The genie snaps his fingers and all the African Americans ship off to Africa.
The Mexican guy sees how nice the black guys wish was so he wishes for the same thing but for all the Mexicans to go to Mexico.
The white guy then says to the genie "So all the blacks and mexicans are gone?"
The genie nods his head.
"Alright then I guess I'll wish for a Coke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yyn2i/three_men_are_walking_on_a_beach/
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Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement...

"Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yymsz/ryan_lochtes_first_draft_of_his_apology_statement/
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Why did the sun's spouse leave it?

Because it kept acting like the world revolved around it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yym0b/why_did_the_suns_spouse_leave_it/
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An Irishman and his bean soup

Why did the Irishman only want 239 beans in his soup?
Because one more would be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yylr3/an_irishman_and_his_bean_soup/
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A cop pulls over a woman

The officer comes to the window of the car and asks the woman "Mam, do you have any weapons in the car?"
The woman replies "Well, I have a 12 gauge in the trunk, a smith and wesen in the glove compartment, a colt on my side, and a derenger strapped to my boot."
The officer says "My god woman, what are you afraid of?"
She says "Absolutely nothing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yyl8a/a_cop_pulls_over_a_woman/
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Will Smith was found guilty of murder.

Investigators say they found fresh prints at the scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yykrj/will_smith_was_found_guilty_of_murder/
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I figured out why prostitutes always look tired and haggard.

Their job is a lot of fucking work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yykm7/i_figured_out_why_prostitutes_always_look_tired/
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I'm not sexist! Sexism is wrong.

And being wrong is for women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yyk3h/im_not_sexist_sexism_is_wrong/
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Existentialist, nihilist, cynic...

An existentialist, a nihilist and a tired from life cynic walk into a bar. And the bartender says: "Sorry guys, the bar's 18+ only"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yyjl5/existentialist_nihilist_cynic/
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You know what really grindes my gears?

When I don't push the clutch down far enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yyggs/you_know_what_really_grindes_my_gears/
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I'd love to date one of our moderators.

Every joke is long to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yyeo9/id_love_to_date_one_of_our_moderators/
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The Harley Davidson (NSFW)

There's this man, let's call him Greg, who has wanted a 1979 Harley Davidson Ironhead 1000 Kickstart his whole life. (It's rare, about 160 made.) After getting  engaged to the love of his life, he decides to find one. After some searching, he finds one for only $500. Immediately, he calls the owner and sets up a time to come look at the bike.
Upon arrival, Greg meets this old man and asks him about the bike. The old man just smiles as he opens the garage and reveals the Harley in perfect showroom condition. Astonished, Greg asks the man how he kept the bike looking so new. With a chuckle, the old man says, "it's an old family secret. Every time it's going to rain, I coat every inch of the bike in Vasoline. The water runs right off and keeps the bike looking new." Greg gives the man the money and loads the bike up.
After getting it home, he starts the bike up and takes off to pick up his fiancée to have dinner with her parents, stopping to get some Vasoline for the bike.
When they arrive, she stops him at the doorstep and says, "there's something you need to know about my family. Nobody talks during dinner. Whoever speaks first has to wash all the dishes." Greg nods and they go inside.
He's met with an entryway that has a tiny path leading inside.  On either side of the path are dishes stacked floor to ceiling. As he walks further into the house he sees the living room filled with dishes, floor to ceiling, except for a tiny path to the couch and between the couch and TV. The stairs, the halfway, the rooms, all riddled with dishes floor to ceiling.
When dinner starts, everyone sits down and starts eating, and sure enough, nobody says a word.
About five minutes in, Greg thinks, *I can have fun with this* and reaches over and grabs his fiancée's titty.
The father glares at him, the mother acts like she didn't see anything, but sure enough, nobody says a word.
Delighted by this reaction, Greg grabs his fiancée, throws her on the table, rips off her pants and begins fucking her right in the table.
The father is fuming, the mother gasps loudly, but... nobody says a word.
Greg sits back down and begins to eat again. After several more minutes, he decides to go even further and reaches over and grabs the mother's titty, throws her on the table, and behind fucking her.
The father clenched his fists, turns multiple shades of red, veins pop out of his forehead. The anger can be felt for miles.
But, nobody says a word.
Exhausted, Greg begins to eat again, but suddenly hears a loud clap of thunder in the distance. As the old man's words echo in his head, he stands up and pulls out his jar of Vasoline.
Suddenly, the father slams his hands on the table and shouts, "Alright, enough! I'll do the goddamned dishes! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yydr5/the_harley_davidson_nsfw/
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My bread factory burned down.

Now my business is toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yy510/my_bread_factory_burned_down/
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What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?

Prom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yy4pa/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_tractors_parked_in/
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I've always wanted to improve my knowledge of Greek Mythology....

It's been my achilles elbow for quite some time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yy4n3/ive_always_wanted_to_improve_my_knowledge_of/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yy4m5/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Look, no hands!

The worst thing you could hear during a prostate exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yy3bu/look_no_hands/
%
Guy dies in a plane crash...

...and when he gets to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter looks his name up in the book.
"Ah, yes, here you are," Saint Peter says. "Says here you are Lutheran. Follow me."
Saint Peter leads the guy into Heaven and into a long, white corridor. Along the corridor are heavy wooden doors, all shut. Saint Peter motions for the guy to follow and they begin a walk along the corridor. As they pass the first door, the guy hears strange singing and organ music coming from behind it.
"What's in there?" the guy asks.
Saint Peter responds, "Those are the Greek Orthodox. Come along."
They walk further down the corridor and past the second door. Behind it, the guy hears lots of yells of, "Praise Jesus!" and "Amen!" in a chorus of voices.
"What's that one?" the guy asks Saint Peter.
"Southern Methodist. Come along, Lutheran is further down the hall."
As they approach the third door, Saint Peter turns to the guy and puts his finger over his lips and whispers. "Shhh... don't make a sound. Tiptoe and don't... say... anything." They carefully tiptoe past the third door without making a noise. When they are a good twenty feet further along, Saint Peter lets out a breath of relief and says, "Okay, we're good. We can keep going."
"What the heck was that?" the guy asks, worried.
Saint Peter says, "Those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yy2vh/guy_dies_in_a_plane_crash/
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Love it how music can take you to another place .

For example, One direction is playing in this restaurant so i'm going to a different one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yy2af/love_it_how_music_can_take_you_to_another_place/
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I thought I saw a new color today

but it turned out to just be a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yy1wm/i_thought_i_saw_a_new_color_today/
%
My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But i can stop any time i want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxvzo/my_family_insists_i_am_addicted_to_drinking_brake/
%
So I told my girlfriend that she'd look better with her hair back...

Which apparently is a very rude thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxtkx/so_i_told_my_girlfriend_that_shed_look_better/
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Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof.
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on the shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxrat/polish_man_moved_to_the_usa_and_married_an/
%
I told my kids "I slept like a baby last night,

Woke up at 1am and fussed until your mom stuck a boob in my mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxr93/i_told_my_kids_i_slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
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Why are gay men so well dressed?

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxq8i/why_are_gay_men_so_well_dressed/
%
how can you drop a raw egg onto concrete floor without cracking it?

Anyway you want, a concrete floor is very hard to Crack!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxpjs/how_can_you_drop_a_raw_egg_onto_concrete_floor/
%
I asked my best friend if he was gay or not.

I never got a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxocv/i_asked_my_best_friend_if_he_was_gay_or_not/
%
TIL you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy... for boarding the wrong vessel... just once

Whoops, wrong *sub*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxmhz/til_you_can_get_dishonorably_discharged_from_the/
%
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country...

She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat.
Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.
Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her.
The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole.
She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxkw9/a_woman_goes_into_a_restaurant_in_a_small/
%
A man goes to the doctor.

The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth."
To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist."
"Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxjk8/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Kids are like tornadoes

They're neat to watch but you can't help but be scared when they head for your house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxiw3/kids_are_like_tornadoes/
%
Two bros are talking after an awesome party...

Bro 1: "Bro, you won't believe how crazy my night was!"
Bro 2: "Bro, it can't be crazier than mine."
Bro 1: "I got totally shit-faced and stumbled into one of the bedrooms to pass out on the bed. When I got there, this chick was already there, completely blacked out."
Bro 2: "Bro, that is NOT cool!!"
Bro 1: "No, you got it wrong, bro. I was the perfect gentleman!"
Bro 2: "You were right, bro, I don't believe you."
Bro 1: "Seriously, bro. I tucked her in, turned the lights out, and closed the door. Then I made sure no one else bothered her."
Bro 2: "I totally don't believe you, bro!"
Bro 1: "Why the fuck not, bro?"
Bro 2: "Well, right before that, I got totally shit-faced and stumbled into one of the bedrooms to pass out on the bed..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxid2/two_bros_are_talking_after_an_awesome_party/
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A husband and wife have four sons

. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxiaz/a_husband_and_wife_have_four_sons/
%
My wife and I used to practice safe sex.

Unfortunately they won't let us back in the bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxi8n/my_wife_and_i_used_to_practice_safe_sex/
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Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some

Especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
_______________
I stole this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxhnq/your_insistence_on_having_your_father_walk_you/
%
A Blond goes to work in tears.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxgl5/a_blond_goes_to_work_in_tears/
%
Have you seen the new movie Constipation?

It hasn't come out yet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxfwt/have_you_seen_the_new_movie_constipation/
%
If your girlfriend starts smoking

slow down or apply lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxfe1/if_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
%
Getting pulled over

Officer (*Walks over*)
Officer -I'm going to ask you to step out of the car for a sobriety test.
Me (*Presses tits together*)
Me -How about now?
Officer -Sir, get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxegv/getting_pulled_over/
%
Harambe walks into a bar...

Bartender: What will you be having to drink?
Harambe: I'll have a beer.
Me: No, he'll have just ice.
Bartender: Just ice?
Me: Yes, justice for Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxe62/harambe_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a fuckboi from outer space?

An Ayylien

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxck6/what_do_you_call_a_fuckboi_from_outer_space/
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Both of 'em?

Brad went over to Jack's house. While there Jack asked him to grab his slippers from upstairs, because he had back problems and couldn't really walk too well.
Reluctantly, because he was a guest so he thought he shouldn't be Jack's errand boy, Brad made his way upstairs.
While looking for the slippers he saw Jack's daughter and wife. They were both very attractive.
Jack's wife asks him what he's up to, and he, being the quick thinker he is, responds: "Oh you know how Jack has back problems and can't do much physical activity, he sent me up here to satisfy you in ways he currently can't and he said to do it to your daughter too, just because he knows she hasn't had a boyfriend in a while."
Jack's wife, outraged, started asking him how dare he say that, telling him he is sick.
But Brad said: "let me prove it" and he yells out to his friend "Hey Jack, Both of 'em, right?"
From downstairs Jack responded "Well yeah both of 'em, you idiot, what good will only one do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxbwa/both_of_em/
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I saw my buddy dressed as a bowl of soup...

I didn't know if he was friend or pho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxbap/i_saw_my_buddy_dressed_as_a_bowl_of_soup/
%
i went to a bookshop

And asked for a book about tortoises. The woman asked "hardback?"
I said "yeah, and little heads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yxb1n/i_went_to_a_bookshop/
%
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor...

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?", asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
[Not OC of course, but I haven't seen this posted here yet.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yx6co/an_86yearold_man_went_to_his_doctor/
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What do Ryan Lochte and the water in Rio have in common?

They're both full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yx53g/what_do_ryan_lochte_and_the_water_in_rio_have_in/
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Guy dies in a car crash...

...and goes up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks his name up in his book and shakes his head.
"What's that mean?" the guy says.
"You gotta go down," Saint Peter says.
The guy gets put on an elevator and takes the ride down to hell. When the doors open, he sees a large, oval shaped room with red velvet carpet and good music playing at a comfortable level. The room is filled with a hundred or so of the best looking people the guy's ever seen, men in tuxedos, women in fantastic gowns. He steps into the room and sees the room is lined with leather couches, and waitresses are walking around and handing out champagne. Completely taken aback, the guy decides to go sit on one of the couches, alone, and watch.
After fifteen minutes of watching, the elevator opens and a seven-foot tall goatee'd man in a red tuxedo steps out and starts glad-handing everyone. The guy notices he has small horns on his forehead and a tail out the back of the tuxedo. The red tuxedo'd man comes over and shakes the guy's hand. He says, "Hey glad you made it! Welcome to Hell. I'm Satan. If there's *anything* I can do for you to make your stay comfortable, let me know."
Still stunned, the guy nods and continues to sit while Satan goes off to talk to others. He notices the room is walled with tinted glass, but beyond the glass, he can make out fire, brimstone, and shadowed human figures writhing in agony.
When Satan comes back over to the newly deceased guy, he says, "Hey, I hope you're enjoying your first day here. Is there anything I can get for you? Champagne? Cocaine?"
The guy shakes his head and says, "Uh, no, thanks, but I was wondering... what's with all the people out in the fire? They're in agony."
Satan ahs and nods. "Those are the Christians. They wouldn't have it any other way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yx381/guy_dies_in_a_car_crash/
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What do you call a nation of angry women?

A cuntry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yx1m4/what_do_you_call_a_nation_of_angry_women/
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A son asks his mom...

-Mom, why is my cousin named Diamond?
-Because Aunt Carol Loves Diamonds
-What about me?
-Enough questions Harambe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywzl4/a_son_asks_his_mom/
%
Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywvul/why_was_the_baby_in_africa_crying/
%
You know it's weird you add 'French' to anything and it makes it better: 'French cuisine', 'French toast', 'French kiss'...

The only exception is 'people.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywukz/you_know_its_weird_you_add_french_to_anything_and/
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Valve should be in charge of the UN...

It's the only sure-fire way to prevent World War 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywrsp/valve_should_be_in_charge_of_the_un/
%
I beat up a drummer in marching band.

I'm not afraid of any re-percussions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywpnp/i_beat_up_a_drummer_in_marching_band/
%
My wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywn87/my_wife_still_misses_me/
%
Why do Asian girls have small boobs?

Because only A's are acceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywm6j/why_do_asian_girls_have_small_boobs/
%
Daddy, what do you think about abortion?

Dad: ask your sister.
But I don't have a..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywlz9/daddy_what_do_you_think_about_abortion/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one to hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywkh2/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I like my coffee like I like my butt hole...

Without a penis in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywjyh/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_butt_hole/
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The Trap

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.
One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.
When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.
"Absolutely not!", said her son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywj5r/the_trap/
%
Why did Princess Leia take so long to find her hair brush?

She kept looking for it in Alderaan places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywh6o/why_did_princess_leia_take_so_long_to_find_her/
%
What did the 9 year old girl say to her swimming instructor?

Will I really sink if you take your fingers out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywdyt/what_did_the_9_year_old_girl_say_to_her_swimming/
%
A whale asks his dad

"Dad where do I come from"
The father whale replies, "well from my penis"
"Oh. Thanks." Responded.the junior whale
"You're whalecum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywcp0/a_whale_asks_his_dad/
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They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer....

So I threw Dave off a cliff just in case it was him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywci0/they_say_one_friend_out_of_every_group_has_the/
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It's November 10th 1823, Paris, France...

And 3 prisoners are to be executed on the public squared that day; An artist, a cook and an engineer. The artists walks up to the guillotine bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and it stops 10 centimeters above the artist's head. They try and try but the blade won't fall all the way down. The artists looks up and says "If the guillotine doesn't work, it's god's will that I continue to paint." The burrow has no other option and releases the artist. Next, the cook walks up to the guillotine, bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and there again, the blade falls short. The burrow tries and tries again and the cook finally ends up saying "If the guillotine doesn't work, it's god's will that I continue to cook." The burrow once again has to let the cook go. Finally, the last prisoner, the engineer, walks up to the guillotine, bows down and says his last words. The burrow releases the blade and once again, the blade falls short. The engineer looks up and says "Hey, I can fix that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ywbcq/its_november_10th_1823_paris_france/
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The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yw91p/the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
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SCOTCH ??

On the first day of school, the  children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter  gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son  brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed  that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she  guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted  another drop and asked,
"Champagne ?"
"No," said the little  boy...
"It's a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yw78u/scotch/
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Why shouldn't you throw a rock at a Mexican riding a bike?

Because that might be your bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yw59j/why_shouldnt_you_throw_a_rock_at_a_mexican_riding/
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A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician

go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
original credit: /u/vcyias

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yw4nw/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_statistician/
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In what circumstance would a fan restrict airflow?

When you are hanging from it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yw1wi/in_what_circumstance_would_a_fan_restrict_airflow/
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Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yw1rd/did_you_hear_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
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42! 42! 42!

A man Is walking past a mental health building, he can hear the patients in a yard shouting "42! 42! 42!", not being able to see over the high walls, he finds a hole in the wall, as he looks through, a Finger pokes his eye. "43! 43! 43!" The yard shouts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yw1b6/42_42_42/
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Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love...

But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yw16v/some_consider_romeo_and_juliet_a_tale_of_true/
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I held the record for collecting Stephen King's books.

Then I lost It.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvyjz/i_held_the_record_for_collecting_stephen_kings/
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What’s the difference between BMWs and porcupines?

On porcupines, the pricks are on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvxvj/whats_the_difference_between_bmws_and_porcupines/
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How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, that's a hardware issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvta5/how_many_computer_programmers_does_it_take_to/
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What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes?

Remorse code

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvqcm/whats_it_called_when_you_apologize_using_dots_and/
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A father puts a gold watch in one son's stocking and a pile of manure in the other son's...

The first son brings the watch to his father and with a worried face says, "dad I'm not sure what to do with this watch, it's fragile, and small, and I don't really wear watches. I don't like it."
The father wasn't surprised by his son's reaction because he typically has a poor perspective on things.
Minutes later, the second son, who had a stocking full of manure, comes running to his father with excitement and says, "Dad! I think Santa brought me a pony! Now I just have to go find it!"
It's all about perspective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvpae/a_father_puts_a_gold_watch_in_one_sons_stocking/
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How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the Jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvor8/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
Why is Starbuck's coffee so high on the pH scale?

It's the most basic drink there is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvn5j/why_is_starbucks_coffee_so_high_on_the_ph_scale/
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A guy walks into a bar with a gun

A guy enters a bar with a gun and sais "Who's the one that had sex with my wife?!"
A voice was heard in the backround, "You don't have enough bullets on you mate!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvmkd/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_gun/
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There are a lot of good times...

But 6:30 is hands down the best time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvkbd/there_are_a_lot_of_good_times/
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There are 2 things in this world that i hate.

1. racism
2. black people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvjxi/there_are_2_things_in_this_world_that_i_hate/
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What do you call an unused piano?

A keybored

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvjtn/what_do_you_call_an_unused_piano/
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Every joke told in this sub, ever.

Here are the punchlines to every joke in this sub. Print it out and you will never again have to click on the link:
I bet the ***** $500. I could have your balls in my hand.
A gun only has one trigger.
No honey, she is left handed.
Because she was fucking Goofy
You mean they gave me a Chihuahua.
You call him by his name, you racist.
Well, my second wish was to get a very tall chick with nice strong legs who agrees with everything I say.
There is no punchline
"I can't complain" he wrote back.
'No, son. That's 'cause your classmates are 9, and you're 25.
No...I'm a frayed knot
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either
I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 Dollars for the ride here and back.
"I’m your son’s teacher."
A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass
When I told her, she looked surprised.
No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father"
"Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvitc/every_joke_told_in_this_sub_ever/
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I like my women like I like my water

Wet and slippery on the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvhtf/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_water/
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Why does Kylo Ren never get girls?

Because for most of his life he's Ben Solo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvgyn/why_does_kylo_ren_never_get_girls/
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Did you hear...

about the guy who got a job circumcising elephants?
the pay wasn't great but the tips were huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvgoq/did_you_hear/
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What did the blind, def and mute kid get for Christmas?

Cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvemm/what_did_the_blind_def_and_mute_kid_get_for/
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A pedophile and a child go into the woods

It's dark and raining. The boy looks up to the man and says, "I'm scared!"
The man replies, "You're scared? I'm gonna have to walk out of here alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvc2c/a_pedophile_and_a_child_go_into_the_woods/
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My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..

They're two things I'll never see coming.
(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yvamc/my_girlfriend_is_kind_of_like_a_ninja_attack/
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3 guys are going on a hunting trip...

3 guys are going on a hunting trip. They are  Johny, Trevor, and Frank. First, Frank goes out and comes back with a rabbit. "Wow", the other two say. How did you get that rabbit?" "Easy" Frank says, "I followed the rabbit tracks." Then Trevor went out and came back with a deer. "Wow," the other two say, "How did you get that deer?" "Easy," Trevor replied, I followed the deer tracks. Then Johny goes out. 2 hours later, he comes back, bruised and bloody and with a broken arm. "Wow", say the other two,"what happened to you?" Johny replied,"I followed the train tracks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yva15/3_guys_are_going_on_a_hunting_trip/
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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yv5rs/two_boys_were_arguing_when_the_teacher_entered/
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Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida...

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir." she said "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do." he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book.
"Yes, I do." he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yv4go/goldie_was_sitting_on_a_beach_in_florida/
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The worst thing about being a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac

...is that you stay up all night contemplating the existence of dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yv419/the_worst_thing_about_being_a_dyslexic_agnostic/
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A masked burglar goes in to a bank

He goes to the teller, points a gun to her face and says "This is a robbery! If anybody moves or tries any funny business, they get shot!"
The teller then reaches over the counter and grabs the mask, revealing the face of the burglar.
The burglar says "you've seen my face!" and shoots her dead. He then says "has anyone else seen my face?!?"
A man with his head down yells out "I haven't seen your face, but I think my wife, beside me here, may have gotten a glimpse".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yv3db/a_masked_burglar_goes_in_to_a_bank/
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My doctor told me I was fat.

I said I'd like a second opinion and he said "you're ugly too"
:-/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yv1js/my_doctor_told_me_i_was_fat/
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69 Position

I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yv0cy/69_position/
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What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yv0an/what_has_one_hundred_balls_and_screws_old_ladies/
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A man goes to a doctor with a large, dirty toad on his head.

The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
And the toad replies, "Hey, Doc, there's something stuck to my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yuxyp/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor_with_a_large_dirty_toad_on/
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Looking for hubby at The Pearly Gates

Mary Smith, a devout lady, passes and is transported toward heaven. She asks St Peter if he can re-unite her with her husband for eternity? Sure, that's what we do here. What is his name?
Smith. First name? John. Mary, we have a lot of those. Do you remember his last words, that's how we file people. Sure, 'if you are ever unfaithful after I die, I will turn over in my grave."
Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yuvp1/looking_for_hubby_at_the_pearly_gates/
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Sex in the dark

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.
One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo on her.
She says, "Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!!"
The husband says, "OK, I'll explain, but first you have to explain the kids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yuozm/sex_in_the_dark/
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An engineer goes to hell...

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yuoxi/an_engineer_goes_to_hell/
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After I got divorced, my former wife told me about a movie she gave 2 thumbs up that I should definitely take the kids to see.

I told her, "That wouldn't be appropriate. That movie is ex-rated"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yullp/after_i_got_divorced_my_former_wife_told_me_about/
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I find certain races unattractive...

Marathons are one thing, but triathlons seem like too much trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yugij/i_find_certain_races_unattractive/
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Donald Trump, a white worker , and a Mexican worker are sitting at a table.

A waiter comes over carrying 10 cookies on a plate. Before the waiter even gets a chance to set the plate on the table, Donald Trump reaches over and takes 9 cookies and stuffs them in his pocket. He then leans over to the white worker and says "watch out, that rapist is looking at your cookie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yufx6/donald_trump_a_white_worker_and_a_mexican_worker/
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A fresh artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "*I know*, but tell me anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yuf0l/a_fresh_artist_exhibits_his_work_for_the_first/
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The Tale of Two Whales

A guy and girl whale are swimming along, when the guy whale spots a ship on the horizon. He says to the girl whale, "Hey, I dare you to swim over to that boat and use your blowhole to flip it over." The girl whale swims over to the vessel and capsizes it in one go. She says to the guy whale, "That was too easy." The guy whale says, "Alright, I dare you to eat all of the sailors floating in the water." The girl whale responds with, "No! I agreed to the blow job, but I refuse to swallow the seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yue2k/the_tale_of_two_whales/
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A FATHER'S LAST REQUEST

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yudjx/a_fathers_last_request/
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A boob, a vagina and an asshole walk into a bar

and they start debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!
Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"
Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!" .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yuczh/a_boob_a_vagina_and_an_asshole_walk_into_a_bar/
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An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage...

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage for his 18 year old daughter and needed to find a suitable husband. His daughter was extremely beautiful and has had many men across the world ask for her hand in marriage and her father began seeing which of these men would suit her. After searching for a month, the optometrist had finally narrowed it down to two me who he thought could take care of his daughter.
The first man's name was Juan González. He was an incredibly talented man who would challenge people to tell him to play any tune they wanted on any instrument they wanted and he could play the song flawlessly on the spot. He was known all around the country as the man who could play any song on any instrument. The optometrist having a love of music with his daughter decided he could be a good choice as he could play any music that she wanted at any time.
The second man's name was Chu Jiang. He was born into an extremely wealthy family who passed down to him an inheritance twenty times greater than the average american's life earnings. He owned many large estates around the world that he could go to on his private airlines and owned large shares of giant companies.  Being an only parent, the optometrist had never been  able to afford much for his daughter and with this man she would never have to worry about money again in her life.
After a lot of long hard thinking, the optometrist reached the conclusion that he should give this choice to his daughter as she is the one who will be affected by this decision the most. That night he walked into her room as she was about to go to sleep and said:
You have two options and I want you to tell me which one looks better for you,
Juan or Chu?
Juan... or Chu?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yu9g8/an_optometrist_was_preparing_an_arranged_marriage/
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My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yu7xm/my_wife_said_she_is_leaving_me_because_of_my/
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How do you calm down an astronaut?

Give him some space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yu7l3/how_do_you_calm_down_an_astronaut/
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What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yu17a/whats_red_and_invisible/
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If you miss your ex

Steady aim, control breathing, and fire again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytsp1/if_you_miss_your_ex/
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At the restaurant with food still on my plate...

Server: "Do you wanna box for that"
Me: "No. It's not worth fighting for"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytrrv/at_the_restaurant_with_food_still_on_my_plate/
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I like my women how I like my coffee

Black, bitter, preferably fair trade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytpy8/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A snake met an elephant one day and laughed

'Look at you, you have a dick on your face!'
The elephant replied,
'Better than you, your face is on your dick!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytoiw/a_snake_met_an_elephant_one_day_and_laughed/
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A man is on his deathbed...

A man is on his deathbed. As he lies sick on the bed, he calls his wife over to him.
"Sarah... Sarah. We have been married for 26 years... Isn't that right Sarah?"
"Of course John. We have," Sarah replies.
"When I was hit by the truck when we first started dating," John says, "You were there for me, were you not?"
"I never left your side in the hospital, John." Sarah replied.
"When our house burned down after we moved in together," John muttered, "We worked together to build a new one, did we not?"
"We did. We didn't rest for days." Sarah comforted him.
"And now, on my deathbed, you are with me yet again..."
"I am, John." Sarah replied.
"I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytm1u/a_man_is_on_his_deathbed/
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Why did the pedophile buy a guitar?

To finger A-Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytl0f/why_did_the_pedophile_buy_a_guitar/
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What do mathematicians call retirement?

Aftermath

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytkun/what_do_mathematicians_call_retirement/
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I wear glasses during math,

Because it improves division.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytkqx/i_wear_glasses_during_math/
%
A rope walks into a bar..

A rope walks into a bar, and the bartender says we don't serve ropes here. So the
rope goes outside and tangles himself all up and does his hair all funny, and walks back inside. And the bartender says "Aren't you the rope I just kicked out a moment ago?" And the rope says, " No I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytkmw/a_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
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I'm bad at math,

So the equation 2n +2n is 4n to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytk4z/im_bad_at_math/
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The mathematician worked from home,

Because he only functioned in his domain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytju2/the_mathematician_worked_from_home/
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I used to hate math,

But then I realized, decimals had a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytjmr/i_used_to_hate_math/
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Classic Freudian Slip

Two guys are chatting over a beer. One of them tells the other,
"Man, I had the most embarrassing thing happen to me a few weeks ago - a classic Freudian slip - I was at at the airport and I swear, the gal the behind the counter had the biggest rack I've seen in a long time, and so, instead of saying to her, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh please', I say, 'Two Pickets to Tittsburgh please"
The other guy laughs and responds, "I had a similar incident the other night! I was out to dinner with my wife, and I meant to say 'Could you please pass the salt', but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, you ruined my life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytf7v/classic_freudian_slip/
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Little Johnny was doing his math homeworl

"One plus one, that son of a bitch is two. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." He says to himself. His mother over hears him and asks what he's doing. "My math homework." He says.
"Is that how your teacher told you to do it?" Little Johnny nods.
The next day the mother talks to the teacher.
"Are you teaching my son to say. 'Two plus two, that son of a bitch is four.' ?"
"Oh no!" Says the teacher, "It's, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytf4e/little_johnny_was_doing_his_math_homeworl/
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Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yte8y/why_cant_athiests_solve_exponential_problems/
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Old mathematicians never die,

They just lose some of their functions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytcgx/old_mathematicians_never_die/
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I don't see how someone could mourn the loss of a Chinese dictator.

It just seems unbereaveable to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytc49/i_dont_see_how_someone_could_mourn_the_loss_of_a/
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Why should you not argue with a decimal?

Because decimals always have a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytbja/why_should_you_not_argue_with_a_decimal/
%
Studies find if a woman has a glass of wine a day increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her have more she might suck it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ytad3/studies_find_if_a_woman_has_a_glass_of_wine_a_day/
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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

The food is good but it has no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yt9iv/did_you_hear_about_the_new_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scalar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yt7vk/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mosquito_with_a/
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When a statistician goes through airport security, they find a bomb in his bag.

He explains, "The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yt7cn/when_a_statistician_goes_through_airport_security/
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Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders one beer.
The second orders half a beer.
The third orders a quarter of a beer
This pattern continues for a few more, and then the bartender stops them, and pours two beers.
"Why'd you do that?" Asked the first guy.
"Come on guys. I thought you knew your limits." Said the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yt695/infinitely_many_mathematicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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The other day I got pulled over, and when the cop walked up I pulled out my 9mm

Once he stopped laughing he wrote me up for indecent exposure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yt3vf/the_other_day_i_got_pulled_over_and_when_the_cop/
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Everybody is trying to make Harambe jokes, and they are all really bad...

But I'm going to take a shot at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ystja/everybody_is_trying_to_make_harambe_jokes_and/
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Young woman decides to become a nun

A young woman decides to become a nun and joins a convent that requires a vow of silence. Her first day there the mother superior calls her into her office and explains that her vows require silence, however once every five years she gets to say two words. The woman agrees and enters the convent. After the first five years pass she's called to the mother superior's office to speak her two words and she says, "Bed hard." The mother superior nods and sends her on her way. After the second five years pass she's called again to the mother superior's office to speak her two words and she says, "Food bad." Once again the mother superior nods and sends her on her way. After another five years pass she's called once again to the mother superior's office to speak her two words and she says, "I quit!" The mother superior responds, " Well I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ysnlf/young_woman_decides_to_become_a_nun/
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"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Peter, you've reposted that joke for over 8 years now, please stop flooding the subreddit with that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ysniu/mom_dont_freak_out_but_im_in_the_hospital/
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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ysnia/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbor_at_a_bus_stop/
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Three nuns were having a conversation.

The first one says:"Guess what I found in Father's room while cleaning it? A pile of porn under his bed!"
"So what did you do?" asked the other two.
"I ripped it up and threw it out, of course."
The second nun says:"Guess what I found while doing Father's laundry? A box of condoms hidden in his shirt!"
"So what did you do?" asked the other two nuns.
"I poked holes in all of them, of course."
The third nun fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ysmra/three_nuns_were_having_a_conversation/
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Don't you hate it when people mirror your joke and get all the credit?

¿ʇᴉpǝɹɔ ǝɥʇ llɐ ʇǝƃ puɐ ǝʞoɾ ɹnoʎ ɹoɹɹᴉɯ ǝldoǝd uǝɥʍ ʇᴉ ǝʇɐɥ noʎ ʇ,uop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ysmqq/dont_you_hate_it_when_people_mirror_your_joke_and/
%
I like my women like I like my microwaves...

Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ysjv9/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_microwaves/
%
Once again, I've forgotten what time class starts...

When will I ever learn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yshf8/once_again_ive_forgotten_what_time_class_starts/
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A jew in his deathbed...

A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.
As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ysfqa/a_jew_in_his_deathbed/
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How do you catch a slutty bee?

With a hornet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ysdiv/how_do_you_catch_a_slutty_bee/
%
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench across from a house

They watch as two people walk in, and a while later three people walk out.
"The initial measurement was incorrect," says the physicist.
"They must have reproduced," says the biologist.
"If exactly one person goes in, the house will be empty," says the mathematician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ysbhh/a_physicist_a_biologist_and_a_mathematician_are/
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My horse was way more aggressive than usual today

it threw me off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ysa5i/my_horse_was_way_more_aggressive_than_usual_today/
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Two random variables were talking in a bar

They thought they were being discrete but I heard them continuously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ys7r8/two_random_variables_were_talking_in_a_bar/
%
Without Geometry

Life is pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ys6g6/without_geometry/
%
My dad has a weird hobby, he collects empty bottles.

Which sounds a lot better than alcoholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ys3hb/my_dad_has_a_weird_hobby_he_collects_empty_bottles/
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Little Johnny comes down to breakfast...

Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet." said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ys3bb/little_johnny_comes_down_to_breakfast/
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i've just bought an english snake.

Sir Pent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ys25f/ive_just_bought_an_english_snake/
%
Why does a space rock taste better than an Earth rock?

Because it's meteor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ys1ej/why_does_a_space_rock_taste_better_than_an_earth/
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A boy, on the way home from school, sees a prostitute...

... leaning up against the wall. She looks at the kids and says, "Hey kid, $20 for a blowjob."
The kid, now excited, replies "Wait here! I'll be back!"
So the boy runs all the way home where he sees his father watching TV on his sofa chair.
"Hey, dad! Can I have $20 for a blowjob?"
The father gets up from his seat and places his hands on his belt. He replies, "I dunno kid... are you any good?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ys1ar/a_boy_on_the_way_home_from_school_sees_a/
%
I asked a guy if he knew what the chemical formula was for Sodium Bromate...

He said NaBrO3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrzl0/i_asked_a_guy_if_he_knew_what_the_chemical/
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What does a pirate wear if he works at Apple?

iPatch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrxy4/what_does_a_pirate_wear_if_he_works_at_apple/
%
A Bear and A Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods taking a dump by the same tree. The bear looks at the rabbit and asks, "Do you ever have a problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "No!" and the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrxik/a_bear_and_a_rabbit/
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What does a spanish programmer program in?

Si++

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrw8h/what_does_a_spanish_programmer_program_in/
%
I was going to make a joke about Counter Strike...

But it would be globally offensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yru2m/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_counter_strike/
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The kid next door challenged me to a water balloon fight.

I'm just going to update my Facebook status while waiting for the kettle to boil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrt98/the_kid_next_door_challenged_me_to_a_water/
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Difference between I.T and management

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrpum/difference_between_it_and_management/
%
Why do ants rarely, if ever, get sick?

Because of their tiny little anty bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrohp/why_do_ants_rarely_if_ever_get_sick/
%
Did you hear about the ex-porn star who got fired from the gas station?

Every time he got close to filling the tank, he'd pull the nozzle out and spray gasoline all over the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrlet/did_you_hear_about_the_exporn_star_who_got_fired/
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A married couple were on a vacation in Jamaica

They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: "You got dem on de wrong feet, mon! You got dem on de wrong feet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrgxz/a_married_couple_were_on_a_vacation_in_jamaica/
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What happened to the joke that insulted the mods?

People laughed, because it was a good joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrgup/what_happened_to_the_joke_that_insulted_the_mods/
%
Helen Keller walks into a bar...

Then a table...then a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrfxx/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
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A business woman rides an elevator every day.

And every day, a man gets on the elevator with her, leans in real close, takes a big sniff, and says "your hair smells sooo good." Every day this occurs for weeks and weeks until finally the woman gets upset. She says "If you get on this elevator and tell me my hair smells good one more time, I'm going to file a lawsuit."
Sure enough, on the follow day the man arrives, sniffs her, and exclaims "Your hair smells sooo good!"
The woman, infuriated, marched her way to City Hall. She tells the judge, "I'd like to file sexual harassment against one of the employees in my building." The judge asks her what the man is doing, and she explains it to him.
"Ma'am, you can't press sexual assault charges against a guy for saying your hair smells good."
The woman leans over and says to the judge, "He's a midget."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrfxi/a_business_woman_rides_an_elevator_every_day/
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What do sound engineers say when they leave?

Audios

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrfh1/what_do_sound_engineers_say_when_they_leave/
%
What did the leper say the the prostitute?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yreum/what_did_the_leper_say_the_the_prostitute/
%
Last week I had to fire my lawn maintenance workers.

They just weren't cutting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrea5/last_week_i_had_to_fire_my_lawn_maintenance/
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A man and his friend were playing golf one afternoon when a funeral drove by...

The man was about to swing but stopped and bowed his head and said a prayer, then aimed and let a beautiful swing rip.
His friend said, "Wow man, that was pretty respectful of you to say a prayer for who ever died."
His friend slid his club into his bag and said, "Well, I was married to her for 40 years so I figured I owed her that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrd45/a_man_and_his_friend_were_playing_golf_one/
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What's the difference between the Polish and polish?

No one bats an eye if you use chemicals to remove polish, but if you use chemicals to remove the Polish, most of the world will turn against you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yrbxm/whats_the_difference_between_the_polish_and_polish/
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws; and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yr7el/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
%
Two hunters were walking through the woods...

Two hunters were walking through the woods, and they stumble upon a giant, seemingly bottomless hole.
Wanting to find out how deep it it, the hunters begin throwing rocks down it and listen for them to hit the ground. After a few attempts, with no sound ever coming from the hole, the hunters find a rusty anvil near the hole and threw that down. A few seconds later, a goat comes crashing past the hunters, sprinting straight into the hole. Confused at what they just saw, the hunters thought nothing of it and continued walking.
After a few minutes, the hunters are approached by a farmer who had recently lost his prized goat. The hunters told him about the goat they saw run into the large hole.
"That can't be my goat," the farmer said, "I had my goat tied to an anvil."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yr6dm/two_hunters_were_walking_through_the_woods/
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What did they call the man who knew how to read maps?

A legend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yr2cp/what_did_they_call_the_man_who_knew_how_to_read/
%
While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot...

While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yr24v/while_redecorating_a_church_three_nuns_become/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common,

It's a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yqx8r/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."

"Oh my god honey, what happened?" "I reposted the same goddamn joke too many times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yqu87/mom_dont_freak_out_but_im_in_the_hospital/
%
I offered my Muslim girlfriend a bite of my gorilla sandwich but she shook her head and said...

"That's haram, bae."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yqqdf/i_offered_my_muslim_girlfriend_a_bite_of_my/
%
This humid weather reminds me of New York in the 80's

Muggy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yqp47/this_humid_weather_reminds_me_of_new_york_in_the/
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Tough to be Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him.
Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yqjha/tough_to_be_irish/
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What's the difference between a lonely person getting trolled and a wanted sexual offender?

Ones a pranked Redditor, the other is a ranked predator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yqjg4/whats_the_difference_between_a_lonely_person/
%
I got a job on a farm....

It was circumcising donkeys, it wasn't too bad, 44 skins a day, with a chance to get ahead, and you could always count on big tips....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yqgq0/i_got_a_job_on_a_farm/
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Dirty jokes

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.  His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yqgnq/dirty_jokes/
%
Sherlock Holmes and his partner are walking in the woods...

...they happen upon a tree bearing yellow fruit. Watson asks, "What the hell is that?", Sherlock responds, "A lemon tree my dear Watson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yqgao/sherlock_holmes_and_his_partner_are_walking_in/
%
What's the difference between your mom and my computer?

I can still turn your mom on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yqenf/whats_the_difference_between_your_mom_and_my/
%
So my girlfriend and I were out to dinner...

..and she just reaches over and takes some of my food!
So I ask her, "can you tie 2 strings together?"
*What?*
"I'm asking, can you tie 2 pieces of string together?"
*I don't understand*
"Oh I'm sorry, what I'm asking is: can you fucking knot?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yqde0/so_my_girlfriend_and_i_were_out_to_dinner/
%
A man is making hamburgers made of deer meat for his family for dinner one night ...

He says to his kids "try to guess whats in the hamburger. Ill give you a hint, its what mommy calls me"
Immediatly his son yells to his sister "stop eating it! Its a fucking dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yq8y8/a_man_is_making_hamburgers_made_of_deer_meat_for/
%
Once upon a time there was a knight.

He was a very brave knight. One of the very best. He slew monsters and fought off invaders.
This knight had an excellent page. He would do anything for the knight. He was an expert at taking care of his horse, armor, and other equipment. The knight and the page were very good friends, trusting each other with everything.
One day, the knight got a call about a monster terrorizing the countryside. He was told of a giant yellow hand that was crushing houses, murdering peasants, and all the other stuff that monsters tend to do. So the knight and his page prepared everything, saddled up the horse, and took off towards the hand.
When they finally found the hand, the knight confronted it, and promptly got flicked off of his horse. With all of his armor on, he couldn't get back up!
The page, thinking quickly, grabbed a rope and ran around the hand and through its fingers until it was tied up completely. The page had defeated the monster.
And the moral of this story is to let your pages go walking through the yellow fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yq8h8/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_knight/
%
How to get out...

... of a room with nothing but a table and a mirror in it?
You look in the mirror and see what you saw. You take the saw and cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole. Take the hole, put it in the wall and leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yq4x2/how_to_get_out/
%
I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yq4vb/i_told_my_wife_we_can_have_sex_or_go_see_star/
%
You know what I find odd?

Every other number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yq37a/you_know_what_i_find_odd/
%
There's a fine line

Between a numerator and a denominator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yq0g5/theres_a_fine_line/
%
A drunken man....

......... staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate - there's no  paper in this one either!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypzv2/a_drunken_man/
%
An opinion without 3.14

...is just an onion. 😆

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypwxy/an_opinion_without_314/
%
When I was getting a prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants..

"Over there, beside mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypw8f/when_i_was_getting_a_prostate_exam_i_asked_the/
%
I'd be dead by now!

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance he would always reply "It could have been worse"
To cure him from this annoying habit his friends decided to invent a situation so completely horrible even Frank could not find hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said "Frank did you hear about tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then shot himself on the head."
"That's awful" said Frank "But it could have been worse"
"How in the hell?" asked his bewildered friend.
"Well," replied Frank "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead by now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypvlp/id_be_dead_by_now/
%
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.

The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says, “Oh, just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man, “Whats wrong, why are you so down today?”.
The man said, “My wife and i got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said, “That's not all that bad, is it?"
The man said, “Well, the month is up tonight”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypuzr/one_night_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_sad/
%
TIL I'm hung like a baby.

7 lbs. 9 oz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypuii/til_im_hung_like_a_baby/
%
What do you call a Chinese Billionaire?

Cha Ching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypua4/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_billionaire/
%
Bill Clinton died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Bill, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Hillary's clock?" Bill asked.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypsmj/bill_clinton_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
What do a baseball and a Mexican have in common?

The harder you hit it the more English you get

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yprrk/what_do_a_baseball_and_a_mexican_have_in_common/
%
How was the sound quality of Shrek's musical keyboard?

Nothing special, it was just MIDI-Ogre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yprfh/how_was_the_sound_quality_of_shreks_musical/
%
My grandfather was a baker in the army...

...he went in all buns glazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypox2/my_grandfather_was_a_baker_in_the_army/
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Some people think vasectomies and castration are similar procedures

but there's a vas deferens between the two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypoqa/some_people_think_vasectomies_and_castration_are/
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Painting the church.

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Paster Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Bill went out, bought some paint and started painting the church.
He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected, so he added some thinner to the paint. The paint still covered, but not as well as it did at first. He continued to use more paint than he wanted, so he added still more thinner to the paint. The paint became too thin to cover well, but Bill still kept on painting.
All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, “Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypo5l/painting_the_church/
%
Women's genitals are a lot like a shed roof

If you don't nail it hard enough it will end up next door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypnsr/womens_genitals_are_a_lot_like_a_shed_roof/
%
What did the mexican fireman name his 2 children?

Jose and Hose B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypltk/what_did_the_mexican_fireman_name_his_2_children/
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An unconscious man arrives at a hospital...

After a series of x-rays, the radiologist discovered the man had several plastic horses in his anus.
The doctors have declared his condition as "stable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yplbb/an_unconscious_man_arrives_at_a_hospital/
%
I asked a German girl her number...

She said: "999-999-9999"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypjc1/i_asked_a_german_girl_her_number/
%
My mother and father separated last year

and my father recently started seeing someone and it's been very hard for me. There are two major issues I have with his new partner.
He's black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yphzx/my_mother_and_father_separated_last_year/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yph9r/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypfhd/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table/
%
Socialism jokes are only funny...

...if everybody gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ypbdx/socialism_jokes_are_only_funny/
%
How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yp9op/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_on_a_nudist_beach/
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I was considering posting a joke that nobody had heard of, but I realized that it is actually pretty likely that...

...you already have reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yp60d/i_was_considering_posting_a_joke_that_nobody_had/
%
After watching the Olympics, a little boy says to his mom, "When I grow up, I want to be like Ryan Lochte!"

She says, "Honey, you can't have it both ways."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yp5ej/after_watching_the_olympics_a_little_boy_says_to/
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I hit the gym today...

But I drove away because I don't have car insurance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yp3k9/i_hit_the_gym_today/
%
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yp0ex/mom_dont_freak_out_but_im_in_the_hospital/
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I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.

My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yov9x/i_introduced_my_girlfriend_to_my_family_today/
%
I've heard like eight cancer jokes today...

If I hear another one it's gonna benign

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yotvs/ive_heard_like_eight_cancer_jokes_today/
%
"Me llamo Pedro,"

said no Juan ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yotn8/me_llamo_pedro/
%
If attacked by a mob of clowns

Go for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yopyf/if_attacked_by_a_mob_of_clowns/
%
So a man went to a doctor's appointment...

The doctor said, "I have bad news and worse news."
The man asked, "Oh, what is it?"
The doctor frowned, " You have only 24 hours to live."
The man was in shock. "And what's the worse news? Surely it can't get any worse!"
The doctor frowned again. "I was supposed to tell you yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yon54/so_a_man_went_to_a_doctors_appointment/
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Anal sex is just like your first car

You don't want it, but your dad gives it to you anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yogez/anal_sex_is_just_like_your_first_car/
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Little Johny was learning about the government

Little Johny is learning about the government in class. He doesn't understand it very well, so he asks his teacher how the government works, and she gives him an explanation that he doesn't understand, so she tells him to ask his father. When Little Johnny is going to sleep and is being tucked into bed by his father, Little Johnny asks his dad how the government works, his father's response is "Think of me as the president, your mom as the congress, your maid as the Senate, you as the people and your little brother as the future.". Little Johnny asked his dad to go into more detail, but his dad told him to go to sleep, so he did. Little Johny wakes up in the middle of the night and decides to go to his parents bedroom becuase he hears some loud snoring, but when he goes there he sees his mom sleeping alone. He heads to his maids room as he hears loud moaning and sees through the keyhole his dad having sex with the maid. He smells something bad coming from his brothers room, only to find his little brother has pooped in his diapers until suddenly he realizes and says, "OH! I get it now, the president is screwing the Senate, the Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yofc8/little_johny_was_learning_about_the_government/
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Why does Mexico always do so poorly in the olympics?

Anyone who could run, swim or jump made it to the USA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yoe2g/why_does_mexico_always_do_so_poorly_in_the/
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I lost my watch at a party once...

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yobf2/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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What is the most useful thing in the French Army?

A rearview mirror, so that they can see the war!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yo8wd/what_is_the_most_useful_thing_in_the_french_army/
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Have you heard about the girl with a hereditary disease that gives her diarrhea?

It runs in her jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yo7sx/have_you_heard_about_the_girl_with_a_hereditary/
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I hate colored pencils.

I'd rather dye than use them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yo6gr/i_hate_colored_pencils/
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Nuns

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face.  She began to speak...
Mother Superior:  There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns:  Oh, no!
1 nun:  Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior:  Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns:  Oh, no!
1 nun:  Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior:  And I also found a condom.
99 nuns:  Oh, no!
1 nun:  Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior:  And it has been used!
99 nuns:  Oh, no!
1 nun:  Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior:  And there was a hole in it!
1 nun:  Oh, No!
99 nuns:  Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yo4eb/nuns/
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I was about make a Sodium Joke...

But Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yo1j7/i_was_about_make_a_sodium_joke/
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Why was the plant embarrassed?

It soiled itself. *Buh dum ts* *Dodges tomatoes*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yo1if/why_was_the_plant_embarrassed/
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb.

One, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynxuw/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A lion is hunting a rabbit

A lion is trying to hunt a rabbit but the rabbit being too elusive keeps on dodging him until they reach a very ancient part of jungle, where no one has ever been. By doing so they release an ancient spirit trapped in there. The spirit rises up from the dust and thanks the rabbit and lion and promises them 3 wishes each.
Lion: turn all the Lions of this jungle into lioness.
Rabbit: I want a helmet.
Poof granted.
Lion : turn all the Lions of the next jungle to lioness as well.
Rabbit: I want a motorcycle
Poof granted
Lion: turn all the Lions in the world into lioneess.
Poof granted.
Rabbit puts on the helmet gets on his bike and says to the spirit
Cut his dick off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynx1z/a_lion_is_hunting_a_rabbit/
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A Dad picks his son up from school

Dad: what did you learn at school today, son?
Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynvsd/a_dad_picks_his_son_up_from_school/
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The worst part of forgetting a woman's name...

Is when you can't quite come up with it, but she's right on the tip of your tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynuqy/the_worst_part_of_forgetting_a_womans_name/
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People used to laugh at me when....

I said "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynu18/people_used_to_laugh_at_me_when/
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Is this where you put your jokes?

According to my ex wife my career and penis should be here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynsp8/is_this_where_you_put_your_jokes/
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My Jr High teacher makes me have sex with her while her husband watches, but that's not the worst part.

....I'm homeschooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynsf7/my_jr_high_teacher_makes_me_have_sex_with_her/
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What are green and smell like pork?

Kermit's fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynnz2/what_are_green_and_smell_like_pork/
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A shepherd is relaxing after a long day, when a businessman comes by...

A shepherd is relaxing after a long day, when a businessman comes by.
He's sat on the grass, chewing on a straw, watching his sheep roam around under the last rays of the setting sun. A jeep leaving behind clouds of dust stops before him, and off gets a businessman clad in an expensive suit and leather shoes with a camera on his hands.
The businessman starts snapping pictures of the surrounding area and, once he's finished, looks at the shepherd with curiosity and asks, "Is this your land?"
"Aye..." responds the shepherd.
A look of glee forms in the businessman's eyes as he asks again, "And are those your sheep?"
"Aye..." says the shepherd.
"Would you sell some of your land?" asks the businessman.
The shepherd looks up, studying the businessman with a cautious look, before  searching upon his eyes and asks "And why would I do that?"
"So you can make some money, and buy more sheep," explains the businessman with a smirk.
"And why would I buy more sheep?" asks the shepherd.
"So you can sell their wool, and make more money," says the businessman.
"And why would I do that?" insists the shepherd.
"So you can buy even more sheep, and sell even more wool," says the businessman.
"And why would I do that?" asks the shepherd.
"So, at some point, you can build a factory and fill it with looms," says the businessman.
"And why would I do that?" asks the shepherd.
"So you can make your wool into clothes, instead of selling it, and make even more money," explains the businessman.
The shepherd looks at his sheep for a second, spitting out the chewed straw, and asks, "And why would I do that?"
"So you can buy more and more sheep, sell more and more clothes, and make more and more money," says the businessman, getting giddy at the thought.
"And why would I do that?" asks the shepherd.
"So you can be rich!" offers the businessman.
"And why would I want that?" asks the shepherd.
"So you can build yourself a mansion. Right here!" says the businessman, tapping the ground with his foot.
"And why would I do that?" asks the shepherd.
"So you can have a big bedroom. On the top floor! With big windows! And a big balcony!" says the businessman, his voice increasing in volume.
"And why would I do that?" asks the shepherd.
"So you can sit back, look over your sheep, enjoy the sunset... Enjoy life!" says the businessman, practically jumping up with excitement.
"Aye... And what do you think I was doing before you came here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynnud/a_shepherd_is_relaxing_after_a_long_day_when_a/
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A man walks into the doctors

A man walks into his doctor's office. His doctor tells him, "Your wife's results came back positive, however I can't remember if it was for AIDS or Alzheimer's."
The man replies, "That's not very helpful. It's quite important to know which one of the two it is! What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "How about you take her to the middle of the woods and leave her there. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynm6l/a_man_walks_into_the_doctors/
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How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just beat the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynle1/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
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Ironically

Caps 'Lock' is a 'Key'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynl03/ironically/
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I hate how funerals are always at like 9 or 10am

I'm not a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynk9a/i_hate_how_funerals_are_always_at_like_9_or_10am/
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Jesus turned water into wine

I turned a paycheck into whiskey. Your move Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynk1f/jesus_turned_water_into_wine/
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The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU

, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!
Herr Schmidt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yndvj/the_european_commission_has_announced_an/
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A Beautiful Woman Loves Growing Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much. "The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?" "No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yncdp/a_beautiful_woman_loves_growing_tomatoes/
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Why can't I date?

I kid wen't to his father and asked,
"Daddy, I fell in love and wan't to date this nice girl"
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your" sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
"Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yncb7/why_cant_i_date/
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"What are you shaking for? She's gonna eat me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ynbrd/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
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A man goes to church every Sunday,

and every time he goes, he falls asleep. His wife asks the pastor what she can do to keep her awake. The pastor gives her a needle, and says: "If he falls asleep, poke him with this." The wife takes the needle and goes home.
The next Sunday, the husband falls asleep again. The pastor asks the church: "Who died for our sins?" The wife pokes her husband with the needle, and he screams: "JESUS!", then he falls asleep again.
The pastor then asks again: "Who is Jesus's father?" The wife pokes his husband again, and he screams: "GOD!" and falls asleep again.
The pastor then asks: "What did Eve say after Adam impregnated her for the 99th time?" The wife pokes his husband again, and he screams: "IF YOU SHOVE THAT FUCKING THING IN ME AGAIN I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yn61j/a_man_goes_to_church_every_sunday/
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So this old guy goes to a bar...

...and he meets this beautiful young lady! They have a super nice conversation and they both get so drunk, they have the best sex of his life!
The next morning, he wakes up sober, and he realizes he just cheated on his wife! So he wakes up the lady and asks her, "Oh no! I just cheated on my wife! Do you have baby powder?"
And the lady goes, "Yup!"
He runs back home to find his wife sitting by the front door.
"What were you doing all night?" she asks.
"Well, I got super drunk at this bar across town and had the best sex of my life with a beautiful young lady, and this morning, I woke up sober and I realized I cheated on you, and I felt terrible so I hurried home to you."
The wife goes, "I don't believe you. Let me see your hands."
He holds out his hands covered in baby powder.
"I knew it! You've been bowling all night again!"
:O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yn5zc/so_this_old_guy_goes_to_a_bar/
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Patient “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places”

Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yn4wt/patient_doctor_ive_broken_my_arm_in_several_places/
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What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

Ones a Goodyear; the others a fucking amazing year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yn340/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot?

Neither.  Some men just want to watch the world burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymxl2/the_joker_is_in_a_room_with_hillary_clinton_and/
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When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymxdg/when_counting_down_i_cant_stand_negative_numbers/
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I was out drinking with my mates...

...and then my girlfriend called and asked me when I'll be home. I told her I'm going to be late, and she told me to go to hell.
So I got up and went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymwjj/i_was_out_drinking_with_my_mates/
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Be Careful What You Wish For...

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.
He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger.
A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes.
However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most:
your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish.
"I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account
and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars.
Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car
appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully,"
and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymw0u/be_careful_what_you_wish_for/
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Hello everyone. I'm using Internet explorer so I hope this gets out in time.

Happy New Year 2006

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymvgr/hello_everyone_im_using_internet_explorer_so_i/
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Its been really hot in Seattle lately, so I converted my dishwasher into an air conditioner the other day.

How? I handed my wife a hand fan to keep me cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymv1e/its_been_really_hot_in_seattle_lately_so_i/
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A Buddhist goes to the hot dog vendor...

And says, "Make me one with everything."
Giving him a fifty, the Buddhist asks for the change and the vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymtu4/a_buddhist_goes_to_the_hot_dog_vendor/
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An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London......

.......when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "You're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody has been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymtq3/an_irishman_was_drinking_in_a_bar_in_london/
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[Frugal] I ran behind a bus all the way home and save $2.25.

Got home and girlfriend mocked me saying had I run behind a cab,  I would have saved $15.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymqli/frugal_i_ran_behind_a_bus_all_the_way_home_and/
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What was the Feminist's least favorite subject?

Trigger-nometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ympbw/what_was_the_feminists_least_favorite_subject/
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People think Jesus was so great...

But all he did was give fish to a thousand people.
&nbsp;
You forget that Hitler made 6 million people toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymnss/people_think_jesus_was_so_great/
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(fairly gosh darn NSFW) Yeah, so, I'm a necrophiliac, right...

.....I *had* a girlfriend, but the rotten cunt split on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymnlt/fairly_gosh_darn_nsfw_yeah_so_im_a_necrophiliac/
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Why is leather so good for sneaking around in?

Because leather is made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymnkz/why_is_leather_so_good_for_sneaking_around_in/
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How do you take the letter "F" out of the word "WAY" ?

There is no F in way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymkxb/how_do_you_take_the_letter_f_out_of_the_word_way/
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A Golfer invites his friends over...

A golfer invited a minister, a doctor and an engineer to play golf at his club. After a few holes, one guest said "That foursome ahead of us is really slow. They're all over the fairway, they're in the rough, four-putting holes...couldn't we ask to play through?"
The host replied "No, we don't like to do that. Those guys are blind. They have a special pro who helps them line up shots, and our club lets them play free."
The minister said "Why that's marvelous. What courage! I'll ask my congregation to pray for them...maybe we could get a miracle."
The doctor said "Well, maybe I can beat that. I know an opthalmologist who's having good luck with some experimental surgeries...maybe he could help."
The engineer scratched his chin for a moment and said "Couldn't they play at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymfl7/a_golfer_invites_his_friends_over/
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Did you hear about the man who worked with horses his whole life?

He had a stable job.
I guess uh.. I'll just leave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ymc29/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_worked_with_horses/
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What kind of exercise does Ned Flanders like to do?

Diddily-squats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ym2ui/what_kind_of_exercise_does_ned_flanders_like_to_do/
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Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because the sign says No Tres passing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ym2cy/why_do_mexicans_always_cross_the_border_in_twos/
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Why did the atom stick around?

Cuz if he split, the situation would have gotten blown out of proportion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ym165/why_did_the_atom_stick_around/
%
How bad was the Rio 2016 Olympic?

None of the North Korean athletes defected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ylxvy/how_bad_was_the_rio_2016_olympic/
%
A Polish girl got married

On her wedding night, she received something long and hard from her husband.
It was his last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ylwe6/a_polish_girl_got_married/
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The next person who tells me a bread joke..

is toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yluyx/the_next_person_who_tells_me_a_bread_joke/
%
I like my apples how I like my penis...

In cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ylul7/i_like_my_apples_how_i_like_my_penis/
%
Gawker must have been playing The Oregon Trail

'cause they just died of dissin' Terry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ylp9x/gawker_must_have_been_playing_the_oregon_trail/
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A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”...

The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ylohf/a_buddhist_monk_approaches_a_hotdog_stand_and/
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I started a business...

I started a business selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yln2s/i_started_a_business/
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The bank called today to let me know I had an overdraft balance that was still outstanding

I said thanks, that's really nice of you to say so

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ylmzv/the_bank_called_today_to_let_me_know_i_had_an/
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So this guy stops at a farm and sees a three legged pig.

He asks the farmer, "Why does that pig only have three legs?"
"That's no ordinary pig" answers the farmer.  "Last year we had a fire in the barn.  That pig opened the barn doors, herded out the cows, and then woke me up to call the fire department!"
"By why does he only have three legs?" continues the man.
"Then a few months later we had a prowler.  That pig saw the prowler up on a ladder, knocked it down, tackled the prowler, ran and got my gun, then led me to the wounded intruder" continues the farmer".
"Ok it's an amazing pig, but why only three legs" the man persists.
"Then just the other week one of my grandkids was visiting and wandered off" continued the farmer when the stranger interrupted him "Look just tell me why the pig only has three legs!"
So the farmer looks back at him and says "well you don't eat a pig like that all at once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ylg78/so_this_guy_stops_at_a_farm_and_sees_a_three/
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A man died and went to heaven

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?"
"Oh, her clock is on Jesus's helicopter. He uses it instead of the rotors."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ylezr/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
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What do you call a cow during an earthquake?

A milkshake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yldgf/what_do_you_call_a_cow_during_an_earthquake/
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Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yl9nv/your_duck_is_dead/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yl6ua/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
What do you call a mummy that's been knighted by the queen?

Sir Cophagus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yl690/what_do_you_call_a_mummy_thats_been_knighted_by/
%
What's does a black man have in common with a tornado?

It only takes one to ruin a good neighbourhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yl5vh/whats_does_a_black_man_have_in_common_with_a/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand binary, and those who do not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yl3om/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with cardboard?

Pillow fight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yl13d/what_do_you_call_two_homeless_people_hitting_each/
%
I got my drug dealer arrested the other day

Maybe next time you'll wish me happy birthday, mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yl0ke/i_got_my_drug_dealer_arrested_the_other_day/
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Dirty professor

A professor at a local community college is known for telling a dirty joke to start every class. Of course, the ladies in his classes don't appreciate it and a lot of them get together one weekend and decide to stage a walkout next time it happens. The professor catches wind of this plan.
Monday morning rolls around and the professor stands up in front of the class. He starts "Have you heard there's a shortage of whores in India?"  The ladies stand up to walk out. "Hold on, girls" he says, "the boat's not leaving yet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ykwxt/dirty_professor/
%
Welfare Cheque

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ykwt1/welfare_cheque/
%
This is my stepladder...

I never knew my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yksdf/this_is_my_stepladder/
%
Rio Police to Ryan Lochte: "so you said the men were armed?"

Ryan Lochte: Yeah, they had arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ykqr4/rio_police_to_ryan_lochte_so_you_said_the_men/
%
A man in Ireland finds a boy crying on the sidewalk

He walks up to the boy and says "Poor laddy, what's the matter? Why are ya crying?"
Little boy says "It's me mum you see, she just passed and now I've got no one at home for me. I'm all alone."
The man comforts the boy who's mum had just died and offers to go fetch Father Monaghan from the church.
The little boy responds "No need to fetch him, sex won't help this any."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yknk3/a_man_in_ireland_finds_a_boy_crying_on_the/
%
Why did the sick bird get deported?

He was an ill eagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ykmyv/why_did_the_sick_bird_get_deported/
%
A magician has been working on a cruise ship

...doing the same act for
many years. The audiences like him,
and they change often enough that he
doesn't have to worry about finding
new tricks. But the captain's parrot
sits in the back row and watches him
night after night, year after year.
After a while, the parrot figures out
how the tricks work and starts giving
the secrets away to the audiences.
When the magician makes a bouquet
of flowers disappear, for instance, the
parrot squawks,"Behind his back!
Behind his back!"
Well, the magician gets really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do, since the parrot belongs to the captain.
One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to grab hold of a plank of wood and floats on it. The parrot flies over and sits on the
other end. They drift and drift for
three days without speaking. On the
morning of the fourth day, the parrot
looks over at the magician and says,
"Okay, I give up. Where did you hide
the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yklhv/a_magician_has_been_working_on_a_cruise_ship/
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Why do guys gain weight after marriage?

Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ykksu/why_do_guys_gain_weight_after_marriage/
%
You better brush your teeth everyday...

Oral-B very mad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ykjsq/you_better_brush_your_teeth_everyday/
%
School jokes

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ykjhq/school_jokes/
%
Two businessmen are on a plane with their wives

One businessman says to the other, “You should take your wife into the bathroom and have sex with her.”
The other man replies, “Right now? On an airplane? It’s been a long time since we’ve done that.”
“C’mon, do it!” The first man says.
“Alright, but how am supposed to do that? Isn’t it going to be difficult?” the other man replies.
“It’s easy,” the first man says. “Just close your eyes and pretend she’s your secretary”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ykalz/two_businessmen_are_on_a_plane_with_their_wives/
%
"Hello darkness my old friend..."

Darkness: "I have a boyfriend..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yk9v5/hello_darkness_my_old_friend/
%
After a talking sheepdog returns all the sheep to the pen

he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 sheep accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep.” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “I rounded them up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yk9hq/after_a_talking_sheepdog_returns_all_the_sheep_to/
%
An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yk8gl/an_old_man_finds_a_condom_in_his_grandsons/
%
Two Intelligent Blondes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated." What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It is square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yk3h3/two_intelligent_blondes/
%
Legal but not Logical

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yk1ec/legal_but_not_logical/
%
Masturbation...

...It comes in handy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yjx0k/masturbation/
%
Angry Wife

Someone posted this on Funny Droid (Android Application ) :
Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yjwe1/angry_wife/
%
What kind of shoes do Frogs wear?

Open Toad sandals...
I'll show myself out - thank you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yjvyc/what_kind_of_shoes_do_frogs_wear/
%
White Boards are...

Remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yjtdc/white_boards_are/
%
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic.....

But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yjr7m/my_girlfriend_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the/
%
Two atoms are walking together...

One of them says:
“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”
The other replies, “Are you sure?”
The first says, “Yes, I’m positive.”
*This is an oldy all over the internet, but very cute.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yjobt/two_atoms_are_walking_together/
%
What do you do if you accidentally cut off your cat's tail?

Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yjnqy/what_do_you_do_if_you_accidentally_cut_off_your/
%
A man was sitting at the beach

He had no arms and no legs. Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman, the brunette, walked over to the man and said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No.", so she gave him a hug and walked on.
Next, the redhead went to him and asked "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No.", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
Last, the blonde came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked? The fellow excitedly said "No, I haven't!".
She said "Well, I think you will soon, the tide is coming in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yjn1q/a_man_was_sitting_at_the_beach/
%
The only "B" word you should call women is beautiful.

Bitches love being called beautiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yjjps/the_only_b_word_you_should_call_women_is_beautiful/
%
A german, a french and a turkish man on a plane

The plane is about to crash unless the passengers drop some weight. The pilot tells the three guys to drop something which they have enough of in their country.
The french man throws a baguette out of the window.
The turkish man throws a kebap out of the window.
The german throws the turkish man out of the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yjj41/a_german_a_french_and_a_turkish_man_on_a_plane/
%
What do you call a little Mexican child?

A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yjhnq/what_do_you_call_a_little_mexican_child/
%
When a South African tells me they really love math

I can't work out if they're a nerd or an addict

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yjhay/when_a_south_african_tells_me_they_really_love/
%
What's the difference between Spartacus and Hannibal Lector

One of them's a gladiator, and the other is glad he ate her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yjfn7/whats_the_difference_between_spartacus_and/
%
A radio station was having a contest to see who could come up with a new word

Host: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”
Host: “Dave, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”
Host: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to the Bahamas: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!”
The host cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
Host: “96 FM, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”
Host: “Jeff, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”
Host: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to the Bahamas: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yjcpy/a_radio_station_was_having_a_contest_to_see_who/
%
People that cut others off while talking should go to jail.

But only serve half their sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yj99z/people_that_cut_others_off_while_talking_should/
%
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms.

He approaches the desk and says to the pharmacist "excuse me, do you have non latex? I need condoms for my 12 year old daughter but she's allergic to latex"
The pharmacist replies "yeah they should be right over.... wait.. did you say 12 year old daughter? .. your 12 year old daughter is sexually active?"
The man says "eh, not really. She just kind of lays there like her mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yj8w0/a_man_walks_into_a_pharmacy_to_buy_condoms/
%
Jimmy the NASCAR driver liked to masturbate during the race.

He always came first, but finished last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yj0uy/jimmy_the_nascar_driver_liked_to_masturbate/
%
A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning.

A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning when he sees an elderly man crouched by a gravestone. Not wishing to appear rude the dog-walker greets the elderly man with a cheery:
"Morning!"
The elderly man replies:
"Oh no, just taking a dump."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yivje/a_man_is_taking_his_dog_for_a_walk_through_a/
%
What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yiv2v/what_did_lochte_say_after_his_teammates_told_the/
%
Monica Lewinsky just turned 43

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling on the floor of the White House

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yiuo6/monica_lewinsky_just_turned_43/
%
Next time you're at the bar, ask the bartender for a Ryan Lochte

When the bartender asks you what's in a Ryan Lochte? Just say "I don't know, make something up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yiuax/next_time_youre_at_the_bar_ask_the_bartender_for/
%
Apparently someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds in London

Poor guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yiu1a/apparently_someone_gets_stabbed_every_52_seconds/
%
Two nuns in the park...

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yiq6y/two_nuns_in_the_park/
%
A king enrolled his donkey in a race and won...

Local paper read: "KING'S ASS WON"..
The king was so upset with this kind of publicity that he gave the donkey to the queen .
The local news paper then reads: "QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The queen sold the donkey to a farmer for 10$.
Next day paper read:"QUEEN SOLD HER ASS FOR 10$"
The next day the king ordered the queen to buy back the donkey and leave it in the jungle.
The next headline was: "THE QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS FREE AND WILD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yipqz/a_king_enrolled_his_donkey_in_a_race_and_won/
%
What do you call dinosaur sluts?

Herpevores

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yipjy/what_do_you_call_dinosaur_sluts/
%
In a shelter for abused women.

My husband used to beat me on regular basis.  Sometimes, he would get his drinking mates and they would stand one after  another to beat me. But one day I said to myself: get a grip woman,  enough is enough.  So when my husband and his mates collapsed drunk,  I run away  to this shelter. After 6 months I feel  much better.  The thing I like the most about  this  place is that there is no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yio2o/in_a_shelter_for_abused_women/
%
How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia?

If the shutter makes a "crick" noise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yin68/how_do_you_know_if_the_camera_you_just_bought_was/
%
The name's Bond.

Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yij89/the_names_bond/
%
A man walks into a library...

...  and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I Don't Know if it's in, Yet."  "Yeah, that's the one!" he replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yiiv8/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
%
When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky.

They're always 20 years behind everything.
Mark Twain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yihkk/when_the_end_of_the_world_comes_i_want_to_be_in/
%
Kim Jong Un walked into a bar

The North Korean media still said he got a gold for high jump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yifnz/kim_jong_un_walked_into_a_bar/
%
I like my coffee like I like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yi9si/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder...

Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world.  Believe me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yi8w7/a_doctor_told_donald_trump_he_has_acute/
%
How many buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, the enlightment comes from within.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yi8ce/how_many_buddhists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A pedophile spots two 12 year old girls walking in the forest

He approaches them and says:
'I'll give you a lollipop each if you let me pet your hair!'
The two girls glance at each other, shrug, then nod. They get the sweets, and the pedophile gently strokes their hair.
'I'll give you two more lollipops if you let me carress your shoulders!' says the pedophile.
The girls look at each other again, shrug, and say 'Okay'. They get the sweets, and the pedophile gently carresses their shoulders.
'I'll give you two more lollipops if you let me pet your backs!' says the pedophile.
The girls look at each other again, and one says to the other:
'By the time this guy gets to screwing us, we'll get diabetes!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yi7yl/a_pedophile_spots_two_12_year_old_girls_walking/
%
Kids bring gifts to the teacher on the last day of school

The florist's son buys a nice bouquet, the confectioner's daughter gets a cake, and the son of the liquor store owner brings a big box, nicely wrapped.
The teacher lifts the box and sees that it's slightly leaking. She humorously tastes a drop and asks:
'Is it wine?'
'Nope,' answers the boy.
She tastes another drop.
'Champagne?'
'Nope.'
'Okay, I give up,' says the teacher. 'What is it?'
'A puppy...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yi72x/kids_bring_gifts_to_the_teacher_on_the_last_day/
%
A man with two friends

A man goes to heaven with two friends. When they get there they see ducks everywhere. St. Peter informs them that they can do whatever they want but don't step on the ducks. A week goes by and one man steps on a duck. St. Peter comes out with this ugly woman and says " this is who you will spend eternity with". A month later the second man steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with a hideous woman and says "this is who you will spend eternity with". After a year the third man hadn't stepped on a duck and St. peter shows up with a gorgeous woman. The man can't believe it and says " what could I have done to deserve such a beautiful woman". The woman says "I don't know all I did was step on a duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yi4zn/a_man_with_two_friends/
%
I would make a sexist joke but...

That would be wrong, and being wrong is for women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yi2m1/i_would_make_a_sexist_joke_but/
%
Did you hear the one about the 2 gay ghosts?

They kept giving each other the willies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yhz8k/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_2_gay_ghosts/
%
One day, Billy ate a can of BBs..

Later on, his sister goes up to their mom and says, "Mommy Mommy! Billy peed out a BB!". and the mom just says, "well its gotta come out somehow.."
an hour or two later, the sister goes up to the mom and says "Mommy Mommy, Billy peed out another BB!". and the mom says, "well, its gotta come out some time.."
a little bit later she goes up to her mom and once again says, "Mommy Mommy!", but the mother interrupts and says, "I know, I know. Billy peed out another BB-..."
"No! Billy was masturbating and he shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yhymz/one_day_billy_ate_a_can_of_bbs/
%
A guy shows up late for work.

The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yhtiv/a_guy_shows_up_late_for_work/
%
I'm gonna sell my vacuum cleaner.

It's just collecting dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yhphb/im_gonna_sell_my_vacuum_cleaner/
%
Nice pigs sir

A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.
The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."
Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."
The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yhicw/nice_pigs_sir/
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What do you call two crows?

Attempted murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yhdp3/what_do_you_call_two_crows/
%
Why do you never see prostitutes on airplanes?

They don't give a flying fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yhdk7/why_do_you_never_see_prostitutes_on_airplanes/
%
Why did SJWs call out Medusa?

She kept objectifying people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yham4/why_did_sjws_call_out_medusa/
%
My friend shaved her eyebrows and has been drawing them on. Lately, she's been drawing them too high.

When I told her, she looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yh8yy/my_friend_shaved_her_eyebrows_and_has_been/
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What do you call a geologist who can't hear?

Stone deaf...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yh7ga/what_do_you_call_a_geologist_who_cant_hear/
%
I'm converting to Islam

for my haram bae

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yh4al/im_converting_to_islam/
%
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the Doc where I should put my pants

"Over there, besides mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yh0gr/when_i_was_getting_my_prostate_exam_i_asked_the/
%
How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ygygc/how_many_armed_men_does_it_take_to_extort_an/
%
I was lying in bed yesterday...

I looked up and saw the beautiful night sky, the moon, and the stars. Then I wondered...
Where the fuck is my roof?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ygwrn/i_was_lying_in_bed_yesterday/
%
What's the difference between toilet paper and a hand towel?

So you're the one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ygwo0/whats_the_difference_between_toilet_paper_and_a/
%
I saw two WNBA tickets nailed to a fence today

It's my lucky day! Free nails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ygvlu/i_saw_two_wnba_tickets_nailed_to_a_fence_today/
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?

An offer you can't understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ygtkc/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_godfather_with/
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If I had $10 for every time someone called me racist...

Black people would rob me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ygtay/if_i_had_10_for_every_time_someone_called_me/
%
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer.

were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ygo31/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer/
%
If two vegans don't like each other..

Is it still considered beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yglln/if_two_vegans_dont_like_each_other/
%
A Young German boy comes home with some homework..

Mother and Father: "Son! Get to your homework right this instant!"
Boy: "Can I go on at least one website? Like Reddit?"
Mother: "Nien Reddit!"
Boy: "4chan?"
Father: "Nien 4chan!"
Suddenly, the boy gets an idea...
Boy: "Gag?"
Mother: "Nien Gag!"
The boy gets an F for not studying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ygkzl/a_young_german_boy_comes_home_with_some_homework/
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Why do lesbians shop at sports authority?

Because they don't like dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yger7/why_do_lesbians_shop_at_sports_authority/
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A man is drunk in a bar,

Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents. He makes his way to the women and asks; "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" The first women gets mad and yells "It's Wales, you ass! Wales!" The man the replies. "I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ygax6/a_man_is_drunk_in_a_bar/
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What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Flush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ygafh/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yg7d4/fastest_bolt_at_the_olympics/
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19 and 20 got in a fight

21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yg452/19_and_20_got_in_a_fight/
%
What would life be without plumbing?

Shitty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yg2aa/what_would_life_be_without_plumbing/
%
How many Software Engineers does it take to change a light-bulb?

None. It's a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yg0n9/how_many_software_engineers_does_it_take_to/
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What kind of room doesn't have any doors/windows inside?

A mushroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yfwx1/what_kind_of_room_doesnt_have_any_doorswindows/
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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in!!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yfwjz/three_women_go_down_to_mexico_one_night_to/
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Possible NSFW joke. It's probably fine though.

3 teenage boys share a tent as they camp out.
In the morning the boys are waking up, the first boy says "I had the best dream! I was being jerked off!" One of the other boys says "no way! Me too!" The last boy says "You won't believe it, I was down hill skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yfvwq/possible_nsfw_joke_its_probably_fine_though/
%
How many men from the US swim team does it take to open a door?

Just one if its lochte'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yfvie/how_many_men_from_the_us_swim_team_does_it_take/
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I bought my friend an elephant for his room

He said: "Thank you."
I said: "Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yft9n/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man one bicycle?

A tire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yfrjr/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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Ah, I love self-deprecating humor.

That's one more thing that won't love me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yfnia/ah_i_love_selfdeprecating_humor/
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In a hotel in London, The room service boy knocks on the door ....

In a hotel in London, The room service boy knocks on the door, and says "Here are your Pringles sir." The Arab guest looks at the box of potato chips for a few minutes appearing totally confused. Finally he says "Wallah Habibi, I said Bring girls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yfna5/in_a_hotel_in_london_the_room_service_boy_knocks/
%
Who is this Rorschach guy?

....and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yfjok/who_is_this_rorschach_guy/
%
The man who invented autocorrect just died.

His funfair will be on Monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yfemi/the_man_who_invented_autocorrect_just_died/
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It's an overcast afternoon, so Jimmy sticks his hand out the window to see if it's raining...

As he does he's surprised when a glass eye lands in his open palm. Curious, he looks up and sees an attractive woman looking down from the balcony above.
"Um, is this yours?" he asks, holding up the optic.
"Yes, thank you!" she replies. "I'm Linda, can you bring it up for me?"
When Jim arrives, Linda asks if he'd like to stay for dinner. During the evening one thing leads to another and they end up having a passionate night together.
"That was wonderful" says Jim, "tell me, do you do this often?"
"No" Linda replies, "only if someone catches my eye..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yfdvw/its_an_overcast_afternoon_so_jimmy_sticks_his/
%
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yfchg/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_once/
%
If you want to know what it's like to have children...

Just imagine you're drowning...and then someone hands you a baby...
Credit to Jim Gaffigan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yf7w6/if_you_want_to_know_what_its_like_to_have_children/
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Everyone mourns our fallen heroes...

But I'm the only one who cried when I dropped my deli sandwich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yf6b4/everyone_mourns_our_fallen_heroes/
%
A buddist monk recently became a street vendor

A passerby bought a $1 item from him and gave him a 50 dollar note.
The monk took the note and just sat down afte thanking him.
The guy got slightly angry when there was no change given and the monk answered
"change comes from within"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yf67o/a_buddist_monk_recently_became_a_street_vendor/
%
What happened to the cow when she tried to jump over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yf5wz/what_happened_to_the_cow_when_she_tried_to_jump/
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An opinion without 3.14

Is just an onion...
DEEP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yf5f5/an_opinion_without_314/
%
Having a Daughter

Daughter: "Dad, when will I be old enough to go to the movies with a boy?"
Dad: "When you're a year older than your brother."
The daughter thought for a moment and replied: "But I'll never be older than my brother, he was born first."
Dad: "I guess there's your answer. But don't blame me, go talk to your brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yf52b/having_a_daughter/
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Why do spies never use capitalization?

They like to stay low-key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yf511/why_do_spies_never_use_capitalization/
%
Top Joke in Scotland

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yf3lb/top_joke_in_scotland/
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It's in the Smile

A boy met a girl....
Girl: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.
Boy (smiling): Why thank you... are you single?
Girl: No, I am a dentist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yf1kw/its_in_the_smile/
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Why do I always say yes to everything?

I just don't no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yf1bu/why_do_i_always_say_yes_to_everything/
%
My Grandfather sent me this earlier

The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy.
When I got there, I went straight to the back of the Store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The Pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being I'm a Senior Citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me.
He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
So I said, "Oh thank God!
That's such a relief!  My Doctor told me to get a Pharmacist to test my Urine for sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that Pharmacy, but I really don't care though, because they aren't very friendly there anyway!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yf156/my_grandfather_sent_me_this_earlier/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yf0xg/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
A guy I know got hit in the head with a can of soda

He was lucky it was a soft drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yf0se/a_guy_i_know_got_hit_in_the_head_with_a_can_of/
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A young couple are in bed for the very first time

The guy asks " Are  you nervous?"---
"Yes " she says.---
"Is this your first time?"---
"No, i've been nervous before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yf0mb/a_young_couple_are_in_bed_for_the_very_first_time/
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Why do people keep a picture of their wife and kids in their wallet?

To remind them why there's no money in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yex54/why_do_people_keep_a_picture_of_their_wife_and/
%
What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yex10/what_do_you_call_a_pig_with_three_eyes/
%
A couple of New Jersey hunters

are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yew7v/a_couple_of_new_jersey_hunters/
%
My wife doesn’t fly too well.

And looking at the damage to the sidewalk she doesn’t land too fucking well either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yevd9/my_wife_doesnt_fly_too_well/
%
Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?

Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yeunb/why_are_people_in_wheelchairs_always_getting/
%
I met an urban dwarf who keeps perfect time.

He’s a metronome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yeuhu/i_met_an_urban_dwarf_who_keeps_perfect_time/
%
If I was a DJ...

I'd wanna be called JD Dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yet8v/if_i_was_a_dj/
%
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yer42/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yepeo/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walked_into_a/
%
Three guys

, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yeoua/three_guys/
%
My dad died in front of me

Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said, "You are stepping on my oxygen line".
Edit 2: My, my, carbon dioxide, thank you all so much for 370 votes!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yensu/my_dad_died_in_front_of_me/
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Why didn't Bono sell any wheat bread at his bakery?

Cuz it's all rye, it's all rye, it's all rye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yenjb/why_didnt_bono_sell_any_wheat_bread_at_his_bakery/
%
A man's wife was in a coma.

He waited by her side every day for years.
One day as the nurse was giving her a sponge bath, she started to become more alert and her heart rate increased once she moved the sponge across her vagina.
The nurse came up with a plan and told the husband about the discovery.
"I think you should attempt to give your wife oral sex. I know it sounds crazy but we really think its the best chance we have." said the nurse.
So the nurse steps out in the hall watching the heart rate monitor while the husband does his thing.
Suddenly the wife flat lines!
The nurse rushes in and exclaimed "Oh my! What on earth happened!?"
The husband in a panic said, "I don't know! I think she choked or something!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yemsv/a_mans_wife_was_in_a_coma/
%
What kind of martial art does a chef do?

Kung food
(Don't hurt me, I know it's bad)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yemgl/what_kind_of_martial_art_does_a_chef_do/
%
I should've listened to my dad.

Friend: What did he say?
Me: How the fuck would I know? I didn't listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yemd5/i_shouldve_listened_to_my_dad/
%
My girlfriend’s a bouncer

I only found out because I saw her fall out of a window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yem7u/my_girlfriends_a_bouncer/
%
A son arrives at his new school in Berlin.

He writes a letter to his dad, it reads:
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here. But Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my own college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train
Your son,
Ahmed
The father responds:
My dear loving son,
20 million US Dollars have hust been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love, your dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yeinl/a_son_arrives_at_his_new_school_in_berlin/
%
What do you call the offspring of a black man and an octopus?

I don't know but it sure can pick a lot of cotton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yeefi/what_do_you_call_the_offspring_of_a_black_man_and/
%
A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yedh9/a_new_study_shows_that_unvaccinated_children_are/
%
Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yecbo/why_cant_you_lie_to_an_aborted_fetus/
%
Who is faster?

Usain Bolt in the 100m finals or Ryan Lochte running through the airport to catch his flight out of Brazil?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yec3d/who_is_faster/
%
My doctor said I should watch my drinking.

So now I drink in front of a mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yebaq/my_doctor_said_i_should_watch_my_drinking/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ye8zm/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_3_beers/
%
Your mom fell down

A man tells his wife,
Honey, your mom fell down the stairs 20 minutes ago.
The wife yells at him, Why are you just telling me now?
He said, Because I couldn't stop laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ye8qm/your_mom_fell_down/
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Little Jonny and the construction site

Little Jonnys dad was driving him to school one day when they passed a construction site. Jonny asked his dad if they could check it out after school. His dad figured it would be good for the boy to see people hard at work so he agreed.
After school, they went and talked to the foreman and arranged a walkaround, the foreman explaining the operations and all the workers roles. After a while Jonny and his dad went home for dinner.
Playing with his tonka trucks later while his mom was in the kitchen, Jonny starts cussing a blue streak. "Back that mother fucker up!" "You no driving mother fucker I'll fuckin show you how it's done!"
Mom comes out of the kitchen just livid. "Young man I can't believe you would use that kind of language!!!! You put these toys away and go to bed without dinner!!!"
Jonny stands up and starts walking toward his room. His mom yells "Well aren't you going to clean up this mess?" Jonny says "Eh, fuck it. The night crew'll take care of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ye8mt/little_jonny_and_the_construction_site/
%
If you can't beat them

What's the point of having children?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ye6y0/if_you_cant_beat_them/
%
I wished Hitler finished what he didn't finish.

He needed to finish art school. He was a really good artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ye6nz/i_wished_hitler_finished_what_he_didnt_finish/
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I became a proud dad today.

He's four but he was a boring little shit for the first three years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ye6i5/i_became_a_proud_dad_today/
%
What happened to the frog's car?

It was toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ye4em/what_happened_to_the_frogs_car/
%
Two bugs are having a conversation...

A fly asks a small bug on its back "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
The small bug replies, "I mite be."
The fly says, "Stupidest pun I ever heard."
The small bug replies, "What do you expect? I just made it up on the fly!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ye4d4/two_bugs_are_having_a_conversation/
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Doctor: I have two bad news for you.

Doctor: The first one is that you have cancer.
Patient: whats the second one then?
Doctor: you also have alzheimer's.
Patient: well at least I dont have cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ye401/doctor_i_have_two_bad_news_for_you/
%
There are three types of people I hate

Niggers, racists, and hypocrites

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ye1x0/there_are_three_types_of_people_i_hate/
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I hear Hillary really resented Sanders's hastag #FeelTheBern

She was worried how obligated Bill would feel when #FeelTheClinton caught on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ydvuu/i_hear_hillary_really_resented_sanderss_hastag/
%
I fell in love with a prostitute last night, she had literally everything I have ever wanted in a woman

My dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ydvcd/i_fell_in_love_with_a_prostitute_last_night_she/
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My wife and I only smoke cigarettes after sex

I've had the same pack since we were married but she's up to three packs a day!
(Thanks, Rodney!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ydu84/my_wife_and_i_only_smoke_cigarettes_after_sex/
%
Darren Sharper was sentenced to 18 years in prison today.

I hope he can still cover a tight end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ydo9k/darren_sharper_was_sentenced_to_18_years_in/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ydmcv/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
Why was the blonde's belly button sore?

Because her boyfriend was blond too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ydm1r/why_was_the_blondes_belly_button_sore/
%
My dad once told me this one

If you walk into the bathroom an American and come out of the bathroom an American, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
European :^)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ydjzy/my_dad_once_told_me_this_one/
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A little boy has diarrhea...

Mom: What the hell do you need Viagra for?
Boy: Isn't that what you give to Dad when his shit doesn't get hard?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ydik8/a_little_boy_has_diarrhea/
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Which is the most eco-friendly subreddit?

r/Jokes, because 99% of its products are made from recycled material.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ydg67/which_is_the_most_ecofriendly_subreddit/
%
pair of your underwear

A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man.
Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said.
The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yddxr/pair_of_your_underwear/
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"We invented sex", proudly said the Greeks

"we introduced women into it", said the italians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ydbhd/we_invented_sex_proudly_said_the_greeks/
%
Why did 10 die?

He was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ydadf/why_did_10_die/
%
A man walks into a library and asked the librarian "do you have any books for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says
"I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah that's the one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yd9b6/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_asked_the/
%
Good news in Syria today

Just kidding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yd8cx/good_news_in_syria_today/
%
Why are C programmers never invited to parties?

They have no class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yd7v9/why_are_c_programmers_never_invited_to_parties/
%
Did you guys hear about the new death camps in North Korea?

No you didn't. You haven't heard anything. Long Live the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yd65v/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_new_death_camps_in/
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If someone who speaks 2 languages is Bilingual, whats someone who speaks 1 called?

American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yd60w/if_someone_who_speaks_2_languages_is_bilingual/
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Have you heard about the Roman cannibalism trial?

They asked the defendant if he was sorry for his crimes. He said no, he was gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yd25q/have_you_heard_about_the_roman_cannibalism_trial/
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I came home to my wife yelling "The square root of pi!" angrily.

I told her she was being irrational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yd1ki/i_came_home_to_my_wife_yelling_the_square_root_of/
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what is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

one is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ycyf2/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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I think I impressed them at my job interview for Director of Science when I said I was half chemist, half physicist

. . . and half mathematician

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ycxtv/i_think_i_impressed_them_at_my_job_interview_for/
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What do you call it when a hooker farts?

A prosti-toot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yct5z/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_hooker_farts/
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Told my wife that the doctor thinks I have irritable vowel syndrome. She said, "I think you mean 'bowel'."

I said, "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ycqnb/told_my_wife_that_the_doctor_thinks_i_have/
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What's the difference between Kim Jong Un and Hillary Clinton?

One is called "The Great Leader" and the other, "Great Deleter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ycq02/whats_the_difference_between_kim_jong_un_and/
%
So this guy comes into a bar...

no, wait - it was a horse. So this guy comes into a horse....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yco1c/so_this_guy_comes_into_a_bar/
%
An Italian guy, Chinese guy and a Newfie guy were all construction workers on a skyscraper going up. They were breaking for lunch, sitting down on a girder on the 20th floor one day.

The Italian groans with disgust when he sees that his lunch is again spaghetti. "Damn it, I swear I'm so sick of Spaghetti, if I get it in my lunch again I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The Chinese guy opens his lunch and is dismayed to find yet again, rice. "I'm with you, if I see more rice in my lunch, I'll jump too".
The Newfie finds another Bologna sandwich in his lunch and joins in. "If I see another Bologna sandwich, I'm with you guys, right off the building!"
Tomorrow rolled around and the Italian guy found spaghetti in his lunch yet again. With a yell he plunged to his death.
The Chinese guy followed him shortly after discovering rice again.
The Newfie bellowed with rage at his bologna sandwich and off he went too.
At the memorial service, the wives of the three men were consoling each other.
The Italian wife cried and said "If only he TOLD me he didn't want spaghetti! Oh why, why?"
The Chinese wife was the same, bemoaning the fact that if only her husband had complained, she'd have given him noodles, a sandwich, anything but rice.
The Newfie wife laughed to herself and exclaimed, "Stupid bastard packed his own lunch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ycmv3/an_italian_guy_chinese_guy_and_a_newfie_guy_were/
%
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court and Mickie is making his case

When the judge says
"let me stop you right there. You can't divorce your wife because she's silly."
"I didn't say she was silly. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ycikq/mickey_mouse_and_minnie_mouse_are_in_divorce/
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TIFU by Mixing up my Pastor's Sandwich Order at Subway!

Whoops, wrong *sub*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ycik6/tifu_by_mixing_up_my_pastors_sandwich_order_at/
%
My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon

It never really took off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ych4e/my_grandfather_invented_the_cold_air_balloon/
%
What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ycfe8/whats_the_difference_between_a_snow_man_and_a/
%
A Mexican went into a Japanese restaurant and ordered but only to be disappointed when he was served with a live Octopus slammed in his plate.

He asked for a taco.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ycezq/a_mexican_went_into_a_japanese_restaurant_and/
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why did so many black people die in the Vietnam war?

every time the sergeant shouted GET DOWN! they all started dancing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ycc1y/why_did_so_many_black_people_die_in_the_vietnam/
%
If I Cuold Time Travel

I would fix the title.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ycb17/if_i_cuold_time_travel/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One we are an efficient race and have no humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ycaxo/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A Farmer Counting Cows

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yca8b/a_farmer_counting_cows/
%
Who built King Arthur's round table?

Circumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yc99r/who_built_king_arthurs_round_table/
%
Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

Because they can't C#.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yc4zs/why_do_java_programmers_wear_glasses/
%
When I die I want my body to be donated to science

Specifically, a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yc3f0/when_i_die_i_want_my_body_to_be_donated_to_science/
%
A woman goes into the local pet shop

and asks the owner for a pet that can
do everything. The owner thinks
about it and says,"How about a dog?"
The woman replies,"No, I had a
dog before. He was great but all he
did was eat, sleep, and play fetch.
want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks some more and
says,"How about a cat?
The woman replies,"No way! A
cat certainly can t do everything: in
fact, I've never seen them do
anything! I want a pet that can do
everything!"
The owner thinks for a long time
and then says,"I've got it! What you want is a millipede!"
The woman looks at the owner skeptically and says,"A millipede?
can't imagine a millipede doing
everything. But okay, I'll try a
millipede."
When the woman gets the
millipede home, she's eager to try
him out, so she says to him,"Please
clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes
later, she walks into the kitchen and
it's spotless. All the dishes are cleaned
and neatly put away. The cabinets are
clean and the floor is waxed. She's
absolutely amazed.
Wanting to see what else he can
do, the woman says to the millipede,
"Please clean the living room."
Twenty-five minutes later, she walks
into the living room, and again
everything's perfect. The carpets have
been vacuumed. The furniture was
cleaned and dusted. The woman is
once again impressed.
The woman thinks to herself,
"This is the most amazing thing I've
ever seen. This pet really can do
everything." Wanting him to do more,
she says to the millipede,"Run down
to the corner store and get me a
newspaper, please."The millipede
walks out of the living room.
Ten minutes go by and no
millipede. Twenty minutes go by and
still no millipede. After thirty minutes
the woman is starting to wonder
what's going on. It should have taken
the millipede only a couple
minutes. But forty-five minutes later
and still no millipede.
Deciding to look for him, the
woman goes to leave out the front
door. She opens the door and the
millipede is just sitting on the front
steps. The woman becomes furious.
She says,"Hey! Where have you been
all this time? I asked you 45 minutes
ago to go to the corner store and get
me a newspaper. Then I come to find
you and you're sitting down on the
job. What's going on?"
The millipede replies,"I'm going. I
just have to put my shoes on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ybx7d/a_woman_goes_into_the_local_pet_shop/
%
What did the hat say to the tie?

You hang around. I'll go on a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ybt9m/what_did_the_hat_say_to_the_tie/
%
What's the difference between good sex and anal?

Good sex makes your whole day, good anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ybrfo/whats_the_difference_between_good_sex_and_anal/
%
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven...

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone and do anything you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Taylor Swift" and *poof!* she's gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and *poof!* she's gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Alberto Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Alberto Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Alberta Pipeline laid by 800 men in 6 months'! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ybozr/three_italian_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
My 4yr old was struggling to open his yoghurt, today.

When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!". My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?". I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ybov2/my_4yr_old_was_struggling_to_open_his_yoghurt/
%
A pirate walks into a bar

with a steering wheel stuffed in his pants. The bartender looks at him and asks, "Why is there a steering wheel sticking out your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ybivf/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem

One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.
'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'
'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'
'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ybifj/mr_smith_is_on_vacation_with_his_wife_and/
%
Shout out to my loving wife, who has made me everything I am today...

Fucking miserable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ybi37/shout_out_to_my_loving_wife_who_has_made_me/
%
What do you call a mexican that lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ybgos/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_that_lost_his_car/
%
Two men are sitting in a bar

'Hey, when were you born?' asks the first man.
'3rd of February 1961,' replies the second.
'Interesting, that's when I was born too! Where were you born?'
'In Seattle.'
'That's weird, I was born in Seattle as well,' exclaims the first man. 'Where did you go to school?'
'I went to the Abraham Lincoln High School.'
'That's incredible, I went to Lincoln High too!'
A waitress walks by. The first man grabs her arm and says:
'Hey, listen! This guy and I were born on the same day, in the same city, and we even went to the same school! Isn't that crazy?'
The waitress just nods and goes back behind the counter.
'What's up?' asks the barman.
'Eh, not much. The Johnson twins are wasted again...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ybgcu/two_men_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
Is this the Alcoholics helpline?

Operator: "Yes."
Caller: "Can you tell me how to make Sangria?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ybg1c/is_this_the_alcoholics_helpline/
%
Why was the lesbian mad when she got her report card?

Cause she got a D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ybbeq/why_was_the_lesbian_mad_when_she_got_her_report/
%
A man went to buy a Christmas tree

A man was purchasing a Christmas tree so he approached the counter.
Cashier: great choice of tree sir,  are you putting up yourself?
Man: no I'm putting it up in my living room you sick fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yb7s4/a_man_went_to_buy_a_christmas_tree/
%
A man working for a pickle company came home one day very distraught and upset...

"What's wrong baby?" His wife asked.
"I don't know, all day today I was thinking about putting my penis in the pickle slicer for some reason." He said.
"Oh my God.  Why?"
"Not sure babe, but it was all I could think about." He replied.
"Jesus, that's messed up.  You think you may want some therapy or something?"  She asked.
"No, I think Ill be fine." He assured.
A few days later, he came home early from work and his wife was surprised.
"Babe why are you home so early?"
"Well, I put my penis in the pickle slicer and I got fired."
A little confused at not seeing blood or him injured she asked," Well, what do you mean?  What happened with the pickle slicer?" She asked.
"She got fired too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yb4n5/a_man_working_for_a_pickle_company_came_home_one/
%
Millenials won't get this one

Their own home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yb4k8/millenials_wont_get_this_one/
%
So I had an unplanned talk with my 13 years old son about masturbation yesterday...

I told him it was a perfectly natural thing to do and that he should knock before he enters my room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yb3oe/so_i_had_an_unplanned_talk_with_my_13_years_old/
%
An elderly woman went into her back yard to garden one afternoon when she noticed a large gorilla in a tree...

In a state of panic she ran inside and opened up the phone book and went to G's.  Sure enough, she found gorilla extraction.
When the extractor showed up, he went into the back yard and saw the gorilla, eyeing them both out of suspicion.
The extractor went back to his truck and pulled a vicious pitbull out that had a muzzle on it, a shot gun, and a ladder.  He tied the pitbull up to the tree and removed it's muzzle and dove away as he started snapping and barking at the gorilla in the tree.
He walked up to the lady and handed her the shotgun and said, "Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.  I'm gonna go up into the tree and try and wrestle the gorilla to the ground some how, and when he does, the dog has been trained to clamp down on his balls, subduing him so I can give him a shot and put him to sleep."
"Oh my god, will that not keep the gorilla from being able to mate?" Replied the lady.
"Yes but it's the best nonlethal way to extract him from your property." He insisted.
"Well then what's the shot gun for?"  She implied.
"Well if the gorilla knocks me to the ground I need you to shoot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yb22j/an_elderly_woman_went_into_her_back_yard_to/
%
Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind

. One evening as his mother puts him to bed she says to him, "Jonny, tomorrow is a very special day: if you pray extra hard tonight God will grant you the miracle of sight". Super excited, Jonny jumps back out of bed, clasps his hands together and begin to pray, as his mum leaves the room. Just as she is about to close the door Jonny asks, "mum, will God really give me my sight?". "Yes Jonny, but only if you pray extra hard". An hour or so later, the mum pops her head around the door and sees Jonny still praying, "Oh God. Please let me see. I want to see my mummy for the very first time. I am sure that she's the prettiest mummy in the whole wide world."  A few more hours later the mother goes into Jonny's room and sees him slumped over the bed, hands still clasped together. She puts him to bed.
The following day the mother gets up early and rushes to her sons room where he's still sleeping. She covers his eyes with her hands and gently wakes him. Super excited Jonny says to his mum, "mummy move your hands, I want to see, I want to see".
"Are you ready Jonny?" The mum replies.
""Yes, yes mummy. Move your hands". So the mother removes her hands. Jonny blinks and opens his eyes. "Mummy, mummy, I still can't see. Oh, mummy does God hate me?  Mummy I can't see".
Jonny's mum beams a great big smile and says "April fools".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yb1u1/little_jonny_was_5_years_old_and_born_blind/
%
Three boys decided to play a game

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.
The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"
The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yb07e/three_boys_decided_to_play_a_game/
%
Hitler was a damn good comedian

He roasted 6 million Jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yazpu/hitler_was_a_damn_good_comedian/
%
[Long] Depressive man meets genie.

A depressive man is walking through the park. He's depressed 'cause of the recent divorce he went through. He kicks an old can that's laying in front of him and BANG - there's a Genie who grants him 3 wishes. The sad part is, that for everything he wishes double goes to his ex-wife.
The man starts thinking and goes: "My first wish, is that I own a Ferrari". *Swhooossh, BANG* There's a Ferrari at just in front of his nose and 2 on the front porch of the ex-wife.
"My second wish is that I'd love to have 1 million euro's on my bankaccount". The Genie fulfills that wish as well - and as known, the ex-wife has now 2 million euro's extra at her bankaccount.
"My last wish, should be a good one. Let me think for a minute."
*A while goes by and the man decides his last wish*
"As a last wish, I'd love you to beat me half do death".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yaytm/long_depressive_man_meets_genie/
%
As a non-US-redditor I don't understand why right-wing gun nuts don't get along better with left-wing SJWs...

...they both seem to love triggers so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yawm0/as_a_nonusredditor_i_dont_understand_why/
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Little Johnny goes trick-or-treating...

Little Johnny goes trick-or-treating dressed as a pirate. He rings the doorbell of the first house and an old lady answers the door, bowl of candy in hand.
She takes one look at him and exclaims, "Oh, such a handsome pirate. And where are your Buccaneers?"
Little Johnny looks up at her and replies, "Under my Buckin' hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yasbq/little_johnny_goes_trickortreating/
%
What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital?

... Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yariq/whats_the_difference_between_a_terrorist_cell_and/
%
Johnny is going to his girlfriend's house...

He is going to meet her parents for dinner. But first he stops at the pharmacy to pick up some condoms in case of any special occurrences. He goes to the man at the counter and asks for a pack of condoms. The man gives him the box and says, "First time, huh?" Johnny says yes and describes all the unspeakable and dirty acts he and his girlfriend are going to get into. The man chuckles and rings up the condoms. That night at dinner, everything is quiet and not one word is spoken. The dad stares deep and angrily at Johnny. The girlfriend leans over to Johnny and whispers, "My parents are never happy when I bring a boy over but I didn't know they'd be this upset." Johnny whispers back, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yaq0d/johnny_is_going_to_his_girlfriends_house/
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Caffeine is like my psycho girlfriend.

As long as we're together everything is great, but if I ignore it for one day, it tries to kill me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yajyc/caffeine_is_like_my_psycho_girlfriend/
%
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A $100 bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yaij2/whats_6_inches_long_2_inches_wide_and_drives_your/
%
I love the way that the earth rotates

it really makes my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yagmh/i_love_the_way_that_the_earth_rotates/
%
Need Irish jokes, here's one to start...

The Eighteen Bottles
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4yadqf/need_irish_jokes_heres_one_to_start/
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My grandfather came back from the war...

...with a single arm.
To this day, we still have no idea whose it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ya87p/my_grandfather_came_back_from_the_war/
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"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I questioned.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ya41h/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
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One day, two carrots were walking down the street...

They were the best of friends.
Just as they started to step off the curb, a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.
The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could.
He was rushed away and  taken to the emergecy room at the hospital.
After many hours of agonized waiting, the doctor came out.
He slowly walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."
"The bad news is that for the rest of his life, he's going to be a vegetable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ya0at/one_day_two_carrots_were_walking_down_the_street/
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I asked my students what their parents do on Career Day.

"My mom is a librarian." Says John. "That's very nice John. What about you, Ryan?" I said. "My dad runs the prison." Ryan says.
"That's great. Is he the superintendent?" "No, he's just the hardest motherfucker in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9ywj/i_asked_my_students_what_their_parents_do_on/
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Always leave the top down in a convertible, even in the rain

Worst case scenario, you get to use the car pool lane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9wj5/always_leave_the_top_down_in_a_convertible_even/
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A gypsy girl is about to get married.....

Her mum says,"Emerald,you do realise that when you get married, your husband will want to stick his most prized posession in to where you piss?"
The daughter replies,"Shut up Ma, how the fuck is he gonna fit his Transit van in the sink?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9ugt/a_gypsy_girl_is_about_to_get_married/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9tpl/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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I don't run with scissors.

The last 2 words in that sentence were unnecessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9tpj/i_dont_run_with_scissors/
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What do you call a woman standing in the middle of at tennis court?

Annette!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9tig/what_do_you_call_a_woman_standing_in_the_middle/
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If you are having sex with two women and a third woman walks in, what do you have?

Divorce proceedings, most likely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9slm/if_you_are_having_sex_with_two_women_and_a_third/
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A dog with a cowboy hat, spurs and a cigar limps in through the swinging doors of a saloon...

...He says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9sgy/a_dog_with_a_cowboy_hat_spurs_and_a_cigar_limps/
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How difficult is it to live with erectile dysfunction?

It turns out, it's not very hard at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9ro8/how_difficult_is_it_to_live_with_erectile/
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A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink called "Innuendo".

So the barkeeper gives it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9og6/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."
Gary, you filthy bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9nn6/i_was_watching_the_news_this_morning_when_the/
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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9meo/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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Did you hear about the blonde that won the gold medal in the Olympics?

She was so proud she had it bronzed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9ifz/did_you_hear_about_the_blonde_that_won_the_gold/
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Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9i76/sometimes_i_wonder_about_my_ex_girlfriends_who_i/
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I actually have a good Japanese joke.

Anime'd it myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9fdz/i_actually_have_a_good_japanese_joke/
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I had to fire my carpenter

Turns out he was a mahoganist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9elt/i_had_to_fire_my_carpenter/
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Little Suzie wants to know how babies are made...

She asks her mom and mom says, "Babies come from a man and a woman."
Suzie says, "I know that, but how?"
Mom says, "Well, when a man and a woman fall in love, they lay down together and make a baby."
Suzie is still unsatisfied, "Yeah, but HOW is the baby made?"
Mom finally gives in and replies, "Okay, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina and that's how babies are made. Alright?"
Suzie looks like she is thinking for a moment then replies, "Okay I think I get it. But what were you doing last night when I walked past your room and saw Daddy's penis was in your mouth?"
Mom says, "Oh, that gets you jewelry honey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9eak/little_suzie_wants_to_know_how_babies_are_made/
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A native Indian was asked by his son how the tribe chose names

Well son, I’m Running Bear, because when I was born your grandfather came out of the tepee and saw a bear running through the forest. And your mothers farther, saw a Red hawk in the sky and so that’s why she is called Little Red Hawk. Anyway why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y9cr3/a_native_indian_was_asked_by_his_son_how_the/
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Some people say they get runner's high...

I just get runner's OH GOD MY CHEST IS COLLAPSING I FEEL LIKE DEATH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y99k6/some_people_say_they_get_runners_high/
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A man who just died.....

.......is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?”
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, “There's no charge.”
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she says.
“Honestly, ma’am it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y93j0/a_man_who_just_died/
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I visited Australia this summer, I saw a a guy fucking a kangaroo and a one legged man jacking off in a bar.....

I asked the bartender, what's wrong with this place?
He said, "What do you mean what's wrong with this place?"
I said, "On the way over here I saw a guy fucking a kangaroo, and that one legged man is jacking off over there!"
The bartender said, "That man in the corner, poor fella, can't catch a kangaroo!"
(My 96yr old grandfather told me this"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y93hi/i_visited_australia_this_summer_i_saw_a_a_guy/
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PMS jokes are not funny

period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y8xma/pms_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
Did you hear about the gay dog?

It was a Golden Receiver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y8wyq/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_dog/
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I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y8wrx/im_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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A blonde marries an elderly billionaire...

When the two are engaged, her friends and family remind her, "Make sure he puts you in the will!!"
When the two are walking down the aisle, her friends and family whisper, "Make sure he puts you in the will!!"
When the two are on their Honeymoon, her friends and family phone to say, "Make sure he puts you in the will!!"
At the funeral soon after, the blonde holds up her hand.
"Don't say it! Yes, I made sure he put me in the will."
She then looks concerned.
"... I just wonder who he left me to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y8vs7/a_blonde_marries_an_elderly_billionaire/
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Arthur Guinness

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a bud, the Ceo of Miller gets a Miller, the head of coors orders a coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah" Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer,then neither will I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y8tzo/arthur_guinness/
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So I was talking to my Australian friend when I asked him what country his Mother was from

"Alaska"
"Okay well tell me what she says"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y8smk/so_i_was_talking_to_my_australian_friend_when_i/
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I just got fired for looking up clown videos on my lunch break.

My boss didn't buy that "Lisa Ann gets creampied" is a clown video

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y8rtu/i_just_got_fired_for_looking_up_clown_videos_on/
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What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y8pv0/whats_the_worst_thing_about_breaking_up_with_a/
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What was the seal's favorite subject in school?

ART ART ART!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y8pcz/what_was_the_seals_favorite_subject_in_school/
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Where does Google and Apple get their weather information?

The Cloud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y8mgs/where_does_google_and_apple_get_their_weather/
%
I didn't know why the ball was getting bigger and bigger and bigger

But then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y8m4y/i_didnt_know_why_the_ball_was_getting_bigger_and/
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I never thought that my dad was stealing from his work as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y8jj4/i_never_thought_that_my_dad_was_stealing_from_his/
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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates...

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y8fqt/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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An American in China

An American visits China for the first time and finds himself in a small gift shop.
He finds a bronze statue of a mouse that he really likes so he asks the shopkeeper about it.
"It's 10 for the statue but you'll have to pay more for the story behind it."
The American pays for the statue but doesn't spring for the story. He starts walking down the road and notices a mouse is following him.
He breaks into a light jog but the mouse keeps up, and more mice start to follow him. He begins to run and more and more mice run after him, until there's a sea of mice chasing him.
He comes to a bridge and decides the statue isn't worth all of this trouble. He throws it into the river and all of the mice jump in after it.
Every mouse in China tries to get the statue and drowns at the bottom of the river.
He goes back to the shopkeeper, who laughs maniacally when he comes in.
"I knew you'd come back for the story behind that mouse statue!" He said.
"Oh, no," said the American, "I just wanted to see if you had a statue of a Republican."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y89xw/an_american_in_china/
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Don't you dare go playing that drum again.

There will be repercussions!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y89xp/dont_you_dare_go_playing_that_drum_again/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y85tl/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to his wife when she cheated on him?

"May divorce be with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y84iz/what_did_obiwan_kenobi_say_to_his_wife_when_she/
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what did the frog say after he finished his book?

Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y81va/what_did_the_frog_say_after_he_finished_his_book/
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What do you call a treehouse full of women you despise?

A country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y80bx/what_do_you_call_a_treehouse_full_of_women_you/
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Stevie Wonder walks into a bar...

and a chair, and a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7zfy/stevie_wonder_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man is clearly confused, "take a bite" says the bartender. The man takes a bite, "tastes like Jack!" He says. "Now turn it around." Replies the bartender. "Tastes like coke!" He says. Another man walks in, and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender hands the second man an apple and tells him to take a bite. "Tastes like gin!" Says the second  man. The bartender tells him, "Turn it around." "Tastes like tonic!"
A third man walks in, the first two are going crazy over these apples. "This bartender can make an apple taste like anything!" They tell him. "Anything?" Questions the third man. "Give me an apple that tastes like pussy!" The bartender hands him an apple and the man takes a bite. "What the hell!? This tastes like shit!"
"Turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7x0h/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Cows have taken over Reddit, and here's the proof: ...

[remoooved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7wwj/cows_have_taken_over_reddit_and_heres_the_proof/
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What do you call crazed scholars?

Academia nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7t3j/what_do_you_call_crazed_scholars/
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What happens when the pope dies

Another one popes up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7s4x/what_happens_when_the_pope_dies/
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I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas...

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music. After just a few songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7r5f/i_was_in_a_restaurant_once_and_i_suddenly/
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Patrick's School

Mother: "How was school today Patrick?"
Patrick: "It was great mom! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Wow, they do really fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick: "What school?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7pte/patricks_school/
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I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch.

He can binomial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7m82/i_know_a_mathematician_who_cant_afford_lunch/
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My wife's fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time.

She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7lcy/my_wifes_fantasy_is_to_be_with_another_man_mine/
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A man fell for a speed trap...

A man fell for a speed trap along a road and wanting to avoid the ticket proceeded to speed, hoping to outrun the cop who was in hot pursuit. Finally the man pulled over. Realizing there would be a lot of paperwork involved and being the end of the day, the officer told the speeder, "I'll let you off with a warning if you can give me one good reason as to why you were speeding." The speeder responded, "You see officer, my wife left me last week for a cop and I thought you were trying to return her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7kvc/a_man_fell_for_a_speed_trap/
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I was on my way to the train station when some nutty street preacher started screaming, "You're going to hell, you're going to hell."

How the fuck did he know I was off to spend a week with my mother in law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7kh8/i_was_on_my_way_to_the_train_station_when_some/
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Four nuns stand before the gates of heaven

.
Petrus comes over an tells them: "As you probably know, only those free of sin may enter. Confess you sins now and wash them away in yonder basin of holy water."
The first nun steps forward and confesses: "I once laid eyes upon the genitals of father Reinhardt, a pastor at my church."
Petrus: " So wash thine eyes in holy water and enter."
The nun does so and enters heaven.
The second nun comes forward and confesses: "I once pleased father Reinhardt with my hands."
Petrus: "Wash thine hands in holy water, and you may enter."
The nun does so and enters into heaven.
Suddenly the fourth nun goes off to the basin of holy water and starts gargling it.
Petrus: "Why did you do that, it was not your turn!"
Nun: "I wont wait until the other one washes her ass in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7hfc/four_nuns_stand_before_the_gates_of_heaven/
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All dick jokes are the same

They just vary in length

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7h4h/all_dick_jokes_are_the_same/
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I make more money than Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerburg combined

And all I do is work at the U.S. Mint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7fdx/i_make_more_money_than_bill_gates_and_mark/
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A father wants to have "the" talk with his 14 year old son

'Son, the time has come for me to tell you how children are actually made!'
The boy puts his hands over his ears and yells:
'No! I don't wanna know!'
'But why not?' asks the father, surprised.
'Look, Dad! When I was 7, you told me that Santa doesn't exist. When I was 8, you told me the Easter Bunny doesn't exist either. But I'll be *really* pissed now if you tell me that we don't have to screw girls to make kids!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7e3v/a_father_wants_to_have_the_talk_with_his_14_year/
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A young Jew wants to get married...

...but he has a major dilemma, so he goes to see a wise rabbi.
'Rabbi! I'd like to get married, but tell me: what should I do? Should I marry a super hot girl who'll cheat on me every other month or an ugly one who I know will only be mine?'
To which the rabbi replies:
'Well, son, you have to decide what's the better option: share a cake with your friends or eat a load of shit alone?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7cnn/a_young_jew_wants_to_get_married/
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While watching Olympic kayaking, I was surprised at how bad the Cuban team was at paddling. Then I realized,

That's probably why they're still in Cuba.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7bby/while_watching_olympic_kayaking_i_was_surprised/
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A mother wakes her son in the morning

'Get up, son, you have to get to school!'
'But Mum, why do I have to go? I hate it!'
'Tell me two reasons why you think you shouldn't go.'
'Firstly: all the kids hate me. Secondly: the teachers hate me even more.'
'Hmph, excuses! C'mon, go get ready!'
'Tell me two reasons why you think I should go!'
'Firstly: you're 47. Secondly: you're the headmaster!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y7a20/a_mother_wakes_her_son_in_the_morning/
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Little Johnny is complaining to his mother early in the morning

'Mum, I have a stomach ache...'
'Don't worry, honey,' says the mother. 'It's only aching because you have an empty stomach.'
Little Johnny acknowledges this and calms down. In the evening, Little Johnny's parents welcome an esteemed guest: the Under Secretary of Interior. During the course of the evening, the Under Secretary says:
'Dear Madam, could I get some painkiller please? I have a horrible headache...'
Little Johnny looks up from his drawing in the corner and says:
'Don't worry, sir! It's only aching because you have an empty head!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y78ou/little_johnny_is_complaining_to_his_mother_early/
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A rabbi walks into a Chinese bar

...and orders a beer. He chugs it, leans over the counter, and punches the bartender on the nose, saying "That was for Pearl Harbor!"
The bartender is furious. "Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese, you idiot! I'm Chinese!"
The rabbi shrugs. "Ach, Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference? Come on, I'll buy you a drink to make up for it."
The bartender nods assent and produces two more beers. He downs his in one gulp, then leans over and punches the rabbi in the face, saying "That was for the Titanic!"
The rabbi is apoplectic. "The *Titanic?!?* That was sunk by an *iceberg!*"
The bartender shrugs. "Eh, iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y75sq/a_rabbi_walks_into_a_chinese_bar/
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A little boy walks in on his parents having sex.

"Mommy, why are you on top of Daddy?" he says. The mom thinks fast and says "Well, your daddy has a big belly, so sometimes I get on top of him and try to flatten it out." The boy says "well that will never work." "Why?" says the mom. "Because when you go out shopping on Saturdays, the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y752o/a_little_boy_walks_in_on_his_parents_having_sex/
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A burglar breaks into a couple's house at night

However, he's discovered by the couple, so he pulls out a knife and puts it at the wife's throat.
'What's your name?' asks the burglar. 'I like to know the name of my victims!'
'Elisabeth,' she answers frailly.
'Oh, my mother's called Elisabeth as well!' says the burglar. 'I can't kill someone who reminds me of her!'
So he jumps to the husband with the knife.
'And you, what's *your* name?' he questions the husband.
The husband replies with a trembling voice:
'My name is Philip, but my friends call me Elisabeth...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y72ah/a_burglar_breaks_into_a_couples_house_at_night/
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Give a man a gun

and he can rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y71wb/give_a_man_a_gun/
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Two cows in a field. One asks “should I be worried about mad cow’s disease”?

“Well I’m not”, the other replies, “...because I’m a squirrel!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y712r/two_cows_in_a_field_one_asks_should_i_be_worried/
%
What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6sa2/whats_black_and_screams/
%
Three men are in a hot-air balloon

. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6rz7/three_men_are_in_a_hotair_balloon/
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Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6rok/ruin_a_quote_by_attributing_it_to_the_wrong_person/
%
Pennywise the clown to Ronald

"you disgust me Ronald, you're not even scary."
Ronald McDonald: "I've killed more people than you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6q8j/pennywise_the_clown_to_ronald/
%
Yo mamas so fat

When she wants to take a bath...
She fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6ps8/yo_mamas_so_fat/
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More girls chase after me everyday than Leonardo, Channing Tatum and Ronaldo combined

-Bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6o50/more_girls_chase_after_me_everyday_than_leonardo/
%
Why did the surfer join ISIS?

Because he was totally radical!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6ml2/why_did_the_surfer_join_isis/
%
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.

Give a man a woman, and he'll teach himself how to fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6ljg/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
What do crocs and getting a blowjob from a guy have in common?

They both feel great until you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6iq4/what_do_crocs_and_getting_a_blowjob_from_a_guy/
%
My wife thinks I'm cheating on her with our babysitter...

I think she's just bitter because she's never been able to have kids...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6i69/my_wife_thinks_im_cheating_on_her_with_our/
%
Why doesn't the midget have a girlfriend?

He set his expectations too HIGH!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6g59/why_doesnt_the_midget_have_a_girlfriend/
%
I once dated a girl with a wandering eye...

...but she was seeing somebody on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6ekp/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_a_wandering_eye/
%
A man with a gun walks in to a bar...

He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"
A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6cmi/a_man_with_a_gun_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
Why can't you run in camp sites?

Its 'ran', because it's past tents... Ill see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6aho/why_cant_you_run_in_camp_sites/
%
What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut, you racist bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6ah2/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_on_the_moon/
%
I had a dream I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6afk/i_had_a_dream_i_was_a_muffler/
%
You all need to stop worrying about Trump becoming the next president...

There's no way he's moving into a smaller house in a black neighborhood!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6a7d/you_all_need_to_stop_worrying_about_trump/
%
[shitty joke incoming] A man just woke up from brain surgery...

Where he got a brain tumor removed. When the doctor asked if he was okay he said he felt light headed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y69sv/shitty_joke_incoming_a_man_just_woke_up_from/
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you have a very nice house

A man goes to doctor complaining about migraines.
His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my dear wife oral sex. When she has an orgasm, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain. You should also try it."
Two weeks later, the patient tells doctor, "Your suggestion worked and I'd like to tell you that you have a very nice house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y68cw/you_have_a_very_nice_house/
%
"What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. "

"Really? I go swimming and for long hikes"
"I know.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y67jj/what_do_you_do_in_your_free_time_i_stalk/
%
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?

Don't know they're just a bit shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y6503/why_do_trees_seem_suspicious_on_sunny_days/
%
Curiosity killed the cat...

NASA sincerely apologizes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5ykw/curiosity_killed_the_cat/
%
My ex-girlfriend was a slut.

She bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5ygb/my_exgirlfriend_was_a_slut/
%
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
He took out a business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5wgo/a_new_pastor_was_visiting_in_the_homes_of_his/
%
A Brit working in New York meets a friend for lunch on his first day at work.

The friend produces a packet of cigarettes and promptly begins to light one up.
The Brit grabs the cigarette throws it to the floor and stamps it out. “Are you insane”, asked the Brit, “don’t you know how insane the health laws in this country are?”
“What do you mean?” asked his friend.
“Well”, replied the Brit “I asked the boss if I could pop out to smoke a fag, and he replied, it’s fine by me but if you get caught its 25 to life.!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5uxa/a_brit_working_in_new_york_meets_a_friend_for/
%
I had sex in a hall of mirrors.

I was fucking beside myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5l8p/i_had_sex_in_a_hall_of_mirrors/
%
Libertarian Presidential Candidate's new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders.

"Feel the Johnson"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5jl0/libertarian_presidential_candidates_new_campaign/
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How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None. She should have opened it as she brought it to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5j8h/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_open_a_can_of_beer/
%
Cell Phone Loss

I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5hl4/cell_phone_loss/
%
I hate Russian dolls...

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5hdo/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
Olympic wrestling is the only time there is a "Clean and Jerk"...

in every other case, it's the other way round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5h42/olympic_wrestling_is_the_only_time_there_is_a/
%
"This bouquet is missing some flowers"

I said lackadaisically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5eas/this_bouquet_is_missing_some_flowers/
%
At birth, I was given a choice between having a large penis or a good memory

Too bad I can't remember what I chose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5cx2/at_birth_i_was_given_a_choice_between_having_a/
%
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.  (I remember this from the 1970s when I was in middle school.  It's one of my first dirty jokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5cj9/how_many_californians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
My wife Mei said to me, "You just rike Trump."

"Confident? An alpha male?" I said.
She shook her head.
"Real-estate savvy? A canny businessman?"
She looked at the floor and sighed.
"Proud father of - "
"No Steve!" She said, slamming the knife down on the counter.   "Both roose erection!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5c80/my_wife_mei_said_to_me_you_just_rike_trump/
%
So all the primates got together for a male-only gathering, but they put up a sign banning humans.

No homo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5c62/so_all_the_primates_got_together_for_a_maleonly/
%
I looked out the window earlier and the sky was bright green.

I thought, 'I've got the fucking plane upside down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y57go/i_looked_out_the_window_earlier_and_the_sky_was/
%
TIL that there is an animal with an asshole on its back

A Police Horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y56xd/til_that_there_is_an_animal_with_an_asshole_on/
%
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – its a pseudo-problem… light bulbs give off light (hence the name). If the bulb was broken and wasn’t giving off light, it wouldn’t be a ‘light bulb’ now would it? And if it wasn't broken, then why does it need changing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y53wb/how_many_philosophers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
If there was an award for laziness...

I'd make someone go get it for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y52p9/if_there_was_an_award_for_laziness/
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Mayhem at the Monastery

A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y52fy/mayhem_at_the_monastery/
%
I'ts so cold outside...

I actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y50wk/its_so_cold_outside/
%
Today a man knocked on my door

...and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y50sa/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door/
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About 4,000 years ago:

God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y50qs/about_4000_years_ago/
%
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y50fq/doctor_im_sorry_but_you_suffer_from_a_terminal/
%
What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:

1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. OK, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4y7w/what_my_girlfriend_thought_first_four_dates/
%
Spanish is a beautiful language.

You don't say "I love you" in Spanish, you say "Yo quiero comer culo" which translates to "you are the light of my life." I think it is one of the most beautiful things to say to someone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4xnn/spanish_is_a_beautiful_language/
%
Kids Marry The Darnedest Things

A young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.”
“You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister.
“Then I’ll marry you.”
“You can’t marry me either.”
He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.”
“You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4wk3/kids_marry_the_darnedest_things/
%
What's the difference between redditors and eggs?

Eggs get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4vfm/whats_the_difference_between_redditors_and_eggs/
%
A man phones work and says “Sorry, but I can’t come in today, I’m really sick.”

The boss asks, “How sick are you?”
“Well…” the man replies “I’m in bed with my mother.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4ue1/a_man_phones_work_and_says_sorry_but_i_cant_come/
%
I was once slapped in the face by a girl with twelve nipples...

(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)
Sounds weird, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4u7f/i_was_once_slapped_in_the_face_by_a_girl_with/
%
How many Feminazis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.
She puts it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4suh/how_many_feminazis_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."
"Not that," she explained, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4qij/i_was_watching_porn_with_the_missus_and_she/
%
If Hitler had a pet, what would it be?

A dolphin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4p6q/if_hitler_had_a_pet_what_would_it_be/
%
why don't blind people skydive?

Its scares the heck out of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4p47/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
%
Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.
Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar ransom, or else they will douse him in gasoline and burn him alive! We are going car to car asking for a contribution."
"Oh Dear!" I exclaimed. "What is the average contribution people are giving to this great and noble cause?"
"About a gallon, sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4oid/donald_trump_has_been_kidnapped_by_terrorists/
%
Just an internet explorer joke

Loading...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4n4h/just_an_internet_explorer_joke/
%
Oh God, I am coming

During a group discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die.
A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4j72/oh_god_i_am_coming/
%
Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?

He pasta way.
His legacy will become a pizza history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4i86/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that_died/
%
Someone kidnapped my mother-in-law

He threatened that unless I pay up, he'll release her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4h5d/someone_kidnapped_my_motherinlaw/
%
How many Black Lives Matters protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't be silly, Black Lives Matters protesters can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4fb0/how_many_black_lives_matters_protesters_does_it/
%
What do you call a fat town

Obe-CITY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4euu/what_do_you_call_a_fat_town/
%
What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car in front of an abortion clinic?

Going in to ask for a coat hanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4ej2/whats_the_worst_part_about_locking_your_keys_in/
%
My doctor said I had an iron deficiency and I asked him how he could tell.

He pointed at my crinkled shirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4duf/my_doctor_said_i_had_an_iron_deficiency_and_i/
%
There's an email going around that claims to include a nude photo of Hillary Clinton

Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4dga/theres_an_email_going_around_that_claims_to/
%
Two statues in a park.....

.....one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"
He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4aex/two_statues_in_a_park/
%
I had an idea for a plane with no wings

but it never really took off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y49j9/i_had_an_idea_for_a_plane_with_no_wings/
%
A Panda and a Prostitute...

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.
"For what?"
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y455a/a_panda_and_a_prostitute/
%
No need to worry if your parachute don't unfold...

... You'll have the rest of your life to fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y44wa/no_need_to_worry_if_your_parachute_dont_unfold/
%
An optimist says the glass is half full, a pessimist says the glass is half empty...

... an engineer just points out that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4489/an_optimist_says_the_glass_is_half_full_a/
%
Due to severe overpopulation, God now only allows people who have died terrible deaths to enter Heaven.

WAs God waits near a gate, he is approached a man, where God immediately asks him, "How did you die?".
The man replied, "Well you see, I have always suspected that my wife was cheating on me for at least a few years now. I came home one day to my apartment to see her lying naked in bed, and when I looked over to the balcony, I could see someone holding onto the railing. I asked them, 'What the Hell are you doing here?!", but he wouldn't reply. I immediately knew that my wife was cheating with him on me. So while my wife was sleeping, I walked up to the man and started punching his hands, in order to make him fall off.
But he wouldn't let go.
So I went and grabbed a knife from the kitchen and started cutting off his fingers. He let go of the railing and fell down about twenty five storeys before hitting the ground.
He was still alive.
Still angry, I went to the kitchen once more and dragged a refrigerator towards the balcony. I then threw the refrigerator over the railing, but my hand must have been caught in the handle of the refrigerator, and so I fell as well. And that's how I died."
God frowned and said, "Well, I guess that's a pretty terrible way to die. I'll let you in.". He opened the gates and let the man in, before closing them off once more.
Soon afterwards, he was greeted by a second man.
"How did you die?", God asked. He then realised that the man was deaf, and started moving his hands, communicating in sign language.
The man replied by moving his hands as well, , "Well, I was doing exercises out on the balcony of my apartment, when suddenly, I slipped and fell. I was lucky enough to grab onto the railing on the floor below mine, and hung on. Suddenly, a man appeared in front of me. He yelled something at me, but I couldn't understand him because I am deaf. Without warning, he quickly began hitting my hands, but I still managed to hang on. He then quickly left and came back again, and then began cutting my fingers off! I couldn't hold on anymore, and let go. I miraculously managed to survive the fall, but I could not move, as I was now paralyzed. A minute later, the man threw a refrigerator and himself off the building, killing me in the process."
God cringed as he finished listening and moved his hands around, saying "Jesus Christ, just go through the gate!"
"Thank you." The gate opened once more, and closed as the deaf man walked through.
Half an hour later, a third man appeared at the gate, and once more, God asked, "How did you die?"
The man replied, "Well you see, I was hiding naked inside a refrigerator and . . ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y444l/due_to_severe_overpopulation_god_now_only_allows/
%
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but the trick is finding two people small enough to fit IN the lightbulb...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y421z/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y40cj/what_kind_of_shoes_do_ninjas_wear/
%
I don't care if you don't like space puns. I like space puns.

Comet me bro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4026/i_dont_care_if_you_dont_like_space_puns_i_like/
%
Old folks use to poke me at weddings and say your next so...

I started doing it back to them...at funerals. 😉

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3zug/old_folks_use_to_poke_me_at_weddings_and_say_your/
%
Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob by a guy

It feels good until you look down and realize your gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3zjf/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blowjob_by_a_guy/
%
Abracadabra!

The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand?"
"It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"
"Really?" she said. "What does it do?"
"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words."
"Okay," she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!"
"Fuck me, love!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this."
"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.
I said, "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3yss/abracadabra/
%
There was a depressed looking man sitting in a bar...

... with a full drink that he had not touched. Another bloke clearly looking for trouble came along, laughed at the clearly depressed guy, grabbed his drink and chugged it down.
The poor depressed man started crying. The trouble maker apologised and said how he was only joking. The depressed guy said "it wasn't you, it has just been the worst day of my life" he carried on "this morning I overslept and was late for work. My boss screamed at me and fired me in front of all my colleagues. I walked to the carpark to find my car had been stolen so I ordered a cab to take me home. I walked into my house to find my wife cheating on me with my brother. I then realised I had left my briefcase and wallet in the cab."
"Afterwards, I walked down here to the pub, contemplating if my life is worth living anymore, then you came along and drunk my poison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3tas/there_was_a_depressed_looking_man_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
I went for a job interview

last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.
"Violent when disappointed," I replied.
I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3oxw/i_went_for_a_job_interview/
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The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket

Hey, son. Check out how far I can kick this bucket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3ojz/the_last_thing_my_father_said_to_me_before_he/
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blonde joke

A blonde woman was driving by a cornfield and saw a different blonde woman in the middle of the field in a canoe trying to row through the field. The woman in the car slammed on the brakes and rolled down her window "you know it's blondes like you that make blondes like me look bad and if I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3o39/blonde_joke/
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What do you get when you have sex with the Quaker Oats guy?

Oatmeal Creme Pies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3n7i/what_do_you_get_when_you_have_sex_with_the_quaker/
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What's worse than waking up with a boner?

Realizing it's not yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3mka/whats_worse_than_waking_up_with_a_boner/
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What did the Indian man name his sandwich shop?

New Delhi
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3lmr/what_did_the_indian_man_name_his_sandwich_shop/
%
Why was the man at the cookout so happy?

He met the grill of his dreams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3lkl/why_was_the_man_at_the_cookout_so_happy/
%
Why did x and y break up?

They couldn't function together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3gtt/why_did_x_and_y_break_up/
%
Why didn't the criminal train operator die when he got the electric chair?

he was a bad conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3g0a/why_didnt_the_criminal_train_operator_die_when_he/
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What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

They both come while you're sleeping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3f0r/what_do_bill_cosby_and_santa_claus_have_in_common/
%
Want to hear a good physics pun?

It's relatively funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3eao/want_to_hear_a_good_physics_pun/
%
Dead fly

When you kill a fly, does it become a dead flew?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y3c6p/dead_fly/
%
What’s the difference between a chicken drumstick and a penis?

If you answered “I don’t know”? Then would you like to go for a picnic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y37oz/whats_the_difference_between_a_chicken_drumstick/
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A man is talking to his wife

When our neighbor Steve got a new leather sofa, you made me buy a better sofa. When he took his wife on a vacation you made us go on a better vacation. But now I am not sure what to do.
Did he get something new?
Yes, a mistress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y36b7/a_man_is_talking_to_his_wife/
%
I was in McDonald's today..

I smiled at the bloke and said "Can I have a small shake please?"
"Fuck off" came the reply as he quickly zipped his up jeans and walked away from the urinal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y35g7/i_was_in_mcdonalds_today/
%
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles lastnight..

My next poop could spell, Disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y34rk/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_scrabble_tiles/
%
So in Cheerio Land there are 4 levels to the social hierarchy.

At the bottom you've got plain cheerios, these are your basic working class folks.
Above them are the honey nut cheerios, more of the middle-management level cheerios.
After them are the fruity cheerios, you know, the real artsy, middle-class types.
At the top are the frosted cheerios, the truly rich and famous.
So one day plain ol' regular ol' Cheerio Joe was walking down the sidewalk, and he saw an incredibly beautiful frosted Cheerio girl.  He said to himself, "I'm gonna work real hard, and one day I'll become a frosted cheerio, and then I'm gonna find that girl and I'm gonna marry her."
So he goes and gets a job at the local Burger Flipper joint.  He works really hard, and learns how to flip burgers really well.  He flips burgers so well that soon people start coming from all over town to this Burger Flipper joint to try Cheerio Joe's amazing burgers.
One day, his store manager came to him and said, "Cheerio Joe, you've made me so rich I've decided to retire and give you my job."  And poof! Cheerio Joe became a honey nut Cheerio.
As the manager of this Burger Flippers joint, Cheerio Joe teaches all the burger flippers there how to flip burgers really well.  They flip burgers so well that soon people start coming from all over the region to try Cheerio Joe's famous burgers.
One day, the regional manager came to him and said, "Cheerio Joe, you've made me so rich I've decided to retire and give you my job."  And poof! Cheerio Joe became a fruity Cheerio.
So now as the regional manager Cheerio Joe travels to all of the Burger Flipper joints in the region and teaches all of the burger flippers how to flip burgers really well.  They all flip burgers so well that soon people start traveling from all over Cheerio Land to try Cheerio Joe's famous burgers.
One day, the owner of Burger Flippers Inc. came to him and said, "Cheerio Joe, you've made me so rich I've decided to retire and give you my job."  And poof!  Cheerio Joe became a Frosted Cheerio!
So he said, "Now that I'm a Frosted Cheerio, I'm gonna go out and find that Frosted Cheerio girl and I'm gonna marry her!"
So he goes out and he finds her and he marries her.
Ok, so now we're at the wedding reception.  The Frosted Cheerio girl says to Cheerio Joe, "I'm thirsty, can you get me some water or something?"
So Cheerio Joe goes to find some water, but he comes back and says to the Frosted Cheerio girl, "There's a really long line for water, would some milk be ok instead?"
She's says that will be fine, so Cheerio Joe goes to find some milk.  But, he comes back and says to the Frosted Cheerio girl, "There's a really long line for milk, too."
The Frosted Cheerio girl replies, "This is a wedding reception, shouldn't there be some punch?"  So Cheerio Joe looks around and he realizes there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y32om/so_in_cheerio_land_there_are_4_levels_to_the/
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All the organs of the body were having a meeting

...trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him. So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. So they all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...an Asshole is usually in charge!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y32ok/all_the_organs_of_the_body_were_having_a_meeting/
%
Bra's are also called over the shoulder boulder holder's. What do you call men's underwear?

Under the butt nut hut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y31s4/bras_are_also_called_over_the_shoulder_boulder/
%
My attempt to justifying the time I spend here.

...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y31qm/my_attempt_to_justifying_the_time_i_spend_here/
%
A lot of people are talking about Usain Bolt.

I guess it's a running joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y308j/a_lot_of_people_are_talking_about_usain_bolt/
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A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office...

... wanting to file for divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y2ziw/a_hillbilly_walked_into_an_attorneys_office/
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A poem I found

I dig...
You dig...
We dig...
He dig...
She dig...
They dig...
It's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y2xwv/a_poem_i_found/
%
You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y2xoy/you_know_when_you_get_that_urge_to_eat_something/
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I thought I understood the Saying "When Pigs Fly".

but then, the Swine Flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y2t19/i_thought_i_understood_the_saying_when_pigs_fly/
%
My first original joke.

What happens to a black mans hair when it feels nauseous??
It fro's up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y2riz/my_first_original_joke/
%
Is it solipsistic in here?

Or is it just me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y2o5p/is_it_solipsistic_in_here/
%
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has got to *want* to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y2kdq/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it'll take 10 episodes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y2hqy/how_many_super_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I almost had a threesome once.

I only needed two more people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y2hgw/i_almost_had_a_threesome_once/
%
I wanted to smoke a joint at the Mexican border...

I wonder why everyone ran away when I asked for papers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y2h8f/i_wanted_to_smoke_a_joint_at_the_mexican_border/
%
What does Batman put in his drink?

Just ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y2gag/what_does_batman_put_in_his_drink/
%
What is a Social Justice Warrior's favorite math subject?

Triggernometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y2906/what_is_a_social_justice_warriors_favorite_math/
%
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.
Men can be Feminists, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y28jy/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me...

...to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y262x/i_was_at_an_atm_and_this_old_lady_asked_me/
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Circus parents seeking adoption . . .

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.   Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability as parents.
The couple produce photos of their 45 foot Class A Prevost coach, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would receive.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, plus French and Mandarin languages and computer skills."
Still, the social workers have doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"We have arranged for a nanny who is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
Finally, the social workers are satisfied.
The adoption agency asks, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y25sd/circus_parents_seeking_adoption/
%
Some advice

I do want to apologize in advance if this is in the wrong section of Reddit, but I really felt I needed to get it off my chest. But anyways, as a teacher, let me tell you a little story...
I had a female student (I'm a male), who was rather attractive. Not gonna lie. But I would never pursue a student sexually or romantically. Apparently, that feeling was not mutual. At first, things were like they usually were with stupid young girl crushing: double entendres, very subtle comments, etc. But there's a line, and she crossed it.
She wrote her number on an essay with a smiley face. This was not okay by any means. I immediately contacted an administrator so I wouldn't get in any trouble. These sorts of things are taken very seriously at pretty much any grade level these days, and I'm not interested in losing my job over some girl's hormones getting the best of her.
So a couple of days later, this administrator called a meeting with the parents. We were all in the office and the administrator was doing his spiel to the girl and her parents about appropriate behavior at school and appropriate age differences and the like (apparently this is a common enough issue that he had some training on how to have this kind of talk). She looked fairly ashamed, staring at the floor the whole time. He finished his rehearsed rant and then asked the parents if they had anything they wanted to say to the daughter.
The father was silent, but the mother spoke up. She said something about how the girl should know better and how they taught her better than this, etc. The usual parent reprimand stuff. But teenage girls can often find ways to surprise you. The mom asked her daughter, "And what did you even expect would come of something like this?" My student was quiet for a moment, looking down at the floor still, but then she turned to me, and I will never forget the way she looked at me when she said it: "About tree fiddy." It was about this time I noticed that my student was about eight stories tall and was a crustacean from the paleozoic era. I said, "Damn it, monsta, get out of this office! I ain't givin' you no damn tree fiddy!"
TL;DR Teenage girls are crazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y20it/some_advice/
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I didn't worry much when my parachute didn't open

I didn't understand the gravity of the situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y1vso/i_didnt_worry_much_when_my_parachute_didnt_open/
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Why are the developers of NoMansSky called Hellogames?

Because you never get a goodbuy from them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y1vlk/why_are_the_developers_of_nomanssky_called/
%
Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.
Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y1s7u/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
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My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home."

So he up and moved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y1qlo/my_uncle_is_an_idiot_he_saw_a_commercial_that/
%
Just reminding everyone on the sub, 9/11 jokes aren't funny.

They're plane wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y1px1/just_reminding_everyone_on_the_sub_911_jokes/
%
Caught Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn’t
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying IDIOT!! told you I was speeding too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y1miv/caught_speeding/
%
9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat...

...the last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y1ktc/9_out_of_10_voices_in_my_head_are_telling_me_that/
%
Some call me an alcoholic,

But I call myself an antisocial drinker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y1iya/some_call_me_an_alcoholic/
%
My first time watching the women's Olympic vollyball last night, one minute in there was already a wrist injury.

I'm better today though, no worries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y1hrd/my_first_time_watching_the_womens_olympic/
%
Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y1gt4/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_five_penises/
%
I love watching the wife sleep.

Not so much the husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y1c6o/i_love_watching_the_wife_sleep/
%
Two peanuts where walking down the street...

One was assaulted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y1a5b/two_peanuts_where_walking_down_the_street/
%
There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . .

Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y16qh/theres_26_letters_in_the_english_language/
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Whats brown and rhymes with "Snoop"?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y1556/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
My grandfather's last words..

My Grandfather said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y11kv/my_grandfathers_last_words/
%
What was the main difference between the war in Vietnam and the war in Iraq?

George Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y0xjc/what_was_the_main_difference_between_the_war_in/
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Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life

They thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"SO YOU LIKE GUYS, Don t Ya ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y0x8r/two_rednecks_decided_that_they_werent_going/
%
TIFU by spraying water on a topless model

Now all the seats are wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y0uj7/tifu_by_spraying_water_on_a_topless_model/
%
What happens when you play a country song backwards?

He finds his dog, his truck gets fixed, and his woman comes home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y0u7v/what_happens_when_you_play_a_country_song/
%
Gorilla walks into a bar

and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y0rfa/gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Little Johnny complains to mom at home, “Mom, our teacher really doesn’t know anything.

He keeps asking us!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y0l52/little_johnny_complains_to_mom_at_home_mom_our/
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What do you get when you cross a weasel with a whale?

A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y0jes/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_weasel_with_a/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Zero, feminists can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y0hmw/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Eat your mother

Two cannibals, a father and son, are walking down the street, when they notice a hot girl passing by.
The son says to the father, "Daddy, I'm hungry, let’s eat that girl that just passed by."
The father replies, "I've got a better idea son, let’s take this one home and eat your mother instead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y0gcw/eat_your_mother/
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- Daddy what is a transvestite?

- Ask Mommy , he knows...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y0esh/daddy_what_is_a_transvestite/
%
A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant...

...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediatly light a candle for you,' he promises.
Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!
'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?'
'My husband travelled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face.
'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?'
'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y0d6q/a_couple_want_to_have_children_but_the_wife_cant/
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What did the Chemist have with his Eggs?

Barium, Cobalt and Nitrogen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y0bgd/what_did_the_chemist_have_with_his_eggs/
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Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y089b/why_is_womens_soccer_so_rare/
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Two nuns are driving down the road...

Two nuns are driving down the road in a convertible, when suddenly a vampire swoops down and lands on the hood of their car.
The two nuns start freaking out as the vampire tries to reach into the car to get them.
The one nun shouts to the other in panic, "Quick!  Show him your cross!"
To which the other nun yells "Get the fuck off our car!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y06l0/two_nuns_are_driving_down_the_road/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I ever take a Piss while in the Shower....

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the Shower.
I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y02cr/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_ever_take_a_piss/
%
I have sex almost every night!

Almost Monday night, almost Tuesday night...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzzdx/i_have_sex_almost_every_night/
%
I once met an ape who could use both hands...

He was Harambedextrous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzy83/i_once_met_an_ape_who_could_use_both_hands/
%
What does Bill Say to Hillary after Sex?

Honey I'll be Home in 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzy3p/what_does_bill_say_to_hillary_after_sex/
%
A skydiving instructor was getting frustrated with his clients

Despite their initial willingness to sign up, all of them were now shaking, clutching their parachutes tightly, and looking down into the sky below. The man at the front of the line looked to be on the verge of tears. The instructor had been trying to get them to jump for the past twenty minutes, and soon the plane would descend. "For gods sake!" he fumed. Suddenly, another man appeared, poking his head out from a door. The instructor got a brilliant idea. "Look, even he can do it!" he said, forcing the man into a parachute and shoving him out the plane. The skydivers shared a look between them and they jumped off rapidly. The instructor was pleased that his plan worked, right until the last man turned his head and told him, "Sir, that was the pilot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzxnu/a_skydiving_instructor_was_getting_frustrated/
%
how did the constipated...

How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem...
He just worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzw2h/how_did_the_constipated/
%
How do you make a Vietnamese girl pregnant and rich at the same time?

Give her the dong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzvow/how_do_you_make_a_vietnamese_girl_pregnant_and/
%
If Usain Bolt was an electrician...

His name would be Usain Volt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzt76/if_usain_bolt_was_an_electrician/
%
I enjoy cereal so much..

I enjoy cereal so much that I started incorporating it  into other aspects of my life.  For example, I don't get blue balls, I get Grape-Nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzrf1/i_enjoy_cereal_so_much/
%
A Blonde is driving in her car and turns on the radio.

It says that 2 Brazilian men were killed.
She starts crying and says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzots/a_blonde_is_driving_in_her_car_and_turns_on_the/
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Blind Guy Walks Into a Bar

A blind guy with a guide dog walks into a bar.  Suddenly, he yanks on the dog's leash, swings it above his head, and smashes tables and chairs with the poor yelping animal while the patrons flee in fear.
After he's wrecked the place and stopped swinging the dog, he picks up a stool, sits down and orders a drink.
The gobsmacked bartender asks him, "Hey Buddy, just what the hell do you think you were doing?!"
The blind guy pats his dog on the head and says, "Oh, just having a look around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzmt9/blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's my favorite machine at the gym?

The snack machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzkod/whats_my_favorite_machine_at_the_gym/
%
A blonde and a brunette are walking past a flower shop. They glance in and notice the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers...

Brunette: "Aw crap."
Blonde: "What's the matter? Don't you like flowers?"
Brunette: "Sure, I guess. It's just that I don't want to have to spend the weekend with my feet in the air."
Blonde: "What's the problem? Don't you have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzj7z/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_walking_past_a_flower/
%
An inspiring true story about my friend's grandmother.

I'd like to tell you a little-known, but inspiring and true story that involves my friend Jake's grandmother.
Her name was Erica. She lived a typical grandmother life, knitting, spoiling her grandchildren and puttering around.
But despite having lived a full life before retiring, she wanted something more. So she decided to take her love of gin and turn it into a hobby. Erica painstakingly researched different recipes for gin, mixed them with her cooking expertise, and experimented for months with different ratios, strainers and ingredients.
After many months of working on her various gins, one of her friends, Stacy, came over to her house one night and happened to try one of the drinks. Stacy found it so delicious that she suggested that Erica should try selling some of her various flavors of gin. Erica did just that, starting at the local farmer's market, and when her popularity increased, she began mass producing her most-loved flavors of gin.
Erica's gin quickly became hailed as one of the best-grade gins in the world, earning awards and feature articles in popular publications.
It wouldn't last though. Erica's life was tragically cut short by a heart attack, and with her death came the death of her secret recipes. Many people would try to recreate Erica's gin for years to come, yet no one could find the proper mixtures of ingredients.
But Stacy, the one who pushed her to start her business, never gave up. She searched and searched, looking through purchase logs and transactions for the suppliers of Erica's juniper berries, malt, and other ingredients. Stacy worked nights and weekends for months on end, ardently refining her product, until, amazingly, she came across the perfect recipe. Erica's original gin recipe. It tasted exactly like the first gin Erica had made that fateful night years before. Stacy brought the original Erica brand of gin back to the world, and gin-lovers the world over rejoiced at her work.
The moral of this story is thus: With hard work and perseverance, you too can Make An erica Grade-A gin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzi8l/an_inspiring_true_story_about_my_friends/
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My friend told me I don't understand irony.

Which is ironic, because we were in a dry cleaner at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzgp8/my_friend_told_me_i_dont_understand_irony/
%
30 people walk into a bar

This is the worst game of limbo I've ever seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzg6n/30_people_walk_into_a_bar/
%
fuck that.

A guy frantically searches his room then asks his grandma if she has found a bottle labeled LSD. Fuck that replies granny, have you seen the fucking  dragon in the kitchen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzc7y/fuck_that/
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What does an insomniac, ­agnostic, dyslexic spend most of his time doing?

Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xzbw7/what_does_an_insomniac_agnostic_dyslexic_spend/
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Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs." -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xz696/maria_a_devout_catholic_got_married_and_had_15/
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As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...

So I have.
She's 25 and her name is Candy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xz3a1/as_i_approach_50_my_wife_suggested_i_get_myself/
%
Feeling down?

Try necromancy, it's sure to... raise your spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xz0to/feeling_down/
%
Woman: "Master why is it when a women sleeps with many men she is called a slut"...

"But when a man sleeps with many women he is considered a champion".
The master looks at the woman and responds: "a door that can be opened with any key is Useless, But a key that can open many doors is a Master Key".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xz0sw/woman_master_why_is_it_when_a_women_sleeps_with/
%
Does God use our bathroom

A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?"
The mother replies, "No darling. Why do you ask?"
The child says, "Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyzr0/does_god_use_our_bathroom/
%
What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyxw3/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_two_dicks/
%
What happens if you cross a snowman and a vampire?

You get a frostbite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyvvu/what_happens_if_you_cross_a_snowman_and_a_vampire/
%
Why did the male ghost get scared after the female ghost said "boo"?

The male ghost wasn't ready for a committed relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyvr0/why_did_the_male_ghost_get_scared_after_the/
%
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with The Titanic?

About half way..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyvis/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
Michael Phelps is such a good swimmer...

He was conceived anally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyus1/michael_phelps_is_such_a_good_swimmer/
%
I've just had to take the batteries out of the Carbon Monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and I was starting to feel sick and dizzy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xytwm/ive_just_had_to_take_the_batteries_out_of_the/
%
Relationships are a lot like algebra...

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xymjt/relationships_are_a_lot_like_algebra/
%
Roses are red-ish...

Violets are blue-ish.
If it wasn't for Jesus, we'd all be Jewish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyj8t/roses_are_redish/
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If your are ever about to get jumped by a gang of clowns

Go for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyi2v/if_your_are_ever_about_to_get_jumped_by_a_gang_of/
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If a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls, they call him a stallion.

If a stallion sleeps with a bunch of girls, they shut that riding school down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyhsf/if_a_guy_sleeps_with_a_bunch_of_girls_they_call/
%
What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyhs0/what_do_you_call_a_row_of_rabbits_hopping/
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Engineering students are always confused by women...

....why do the ones with the most streamlined bodies put up the most resistance?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyhqa/engineering_students_are_always_confused_by_women/
%
-Sir,you have Cancer and Alzheimer

-At least I don't have Cancer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyh21/siryou_have_cancer_and_alzheimer/
%
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyg2c/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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A Jewish businessman sent his son to Israel for a year...

...so he could know a bit more about their culture. When he came back home, the son said:
'Dad, Israel was great! Oh and by the way, I became Christian.'
'Oh no!' said the father. 'What have I done?'
The father then went to hang out with his best friend and told him about his misfortune. His friend said:
'What you're telling me here is interesting. I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian as well. Perhaps we should ask our rabbi.'
So they went to the rabbi and told him about their problem.
'What you're telling me here is interesting. I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christan as well. What's happened to our sons?'
After this short conversation, they decide to pray to God for their sons, and ask Him for guidance. Once they finished praying, a resonant voice from above said:
'What you're telling me here is interesting. I, too, sent my son to Israel...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyfp2/a_jewish_businessman_sent_his_son_to_israel_for_a/
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An airplane loses one of its engines and starts to lose altitude

Since they're flying over the ocean, all the nearest airports are hours away, so the pilot says:
'Ladies and gentlemen! Unfortunately, we'll crash... unless we get rid of some extra weight. The stewardesses have already thrown out all unnecessary objects, but this wasn't enough, so a few passangers will have to sacrifice themselves as well. Are there any volunteers?'
Dead silence.
'Then, we'll have to choose based on a certain quality,' continues the pilot. 'Of course, we'd like to avoid any semblance of racism, so we'll go in alphabetical order. Please, all African-Americans stand!'
Nobody stands up.
'Then I'd like to ask the black- and brown-skinned passangers to stand up!'
At this point, a black boy whispers something to his father:
'Dad! I always thought we were African-Americans. And our skin is black too, so why didn't we stand up?'
'Shut your mouth, son,' says the father. 'Here and now, we're niggers!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xyed3/an_airplane_loses_one_of_its_engines_and_starts/
%
What do you call bacteria that can swim fast?

Micro Phelps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xy9fn/what_do_you_call_bacteria_that_can_swim_fast/
%
hundred times

Old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xy7tz/hundred_times/
%
What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xy6cw/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_cant_draw/
%
Farting sense

Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xy4je/farting_sense/
%
What do Donald Trump and his chromosomes have in common?

There is one too many of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xy22n/what_do_donald_trump_and_his_chromosomes_have_in/
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Take that back Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back....
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?...:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxz7t/take_that_back_olympics/
%
So there are 2 fish in a tank...

And one says to the other: "Hey, how do you drive this thing??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxyde/so_there_are_2_fish_in_a_tank/
%
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.

Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxxmj/i_always_wondered_what_the_job_application_is/
%
Where does a general keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxvkq/where_does_a_general_keep_his_armies/
%
I scream, you scream, we all scream...

The ice cream man kidnapped us; please send help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxva9/i_scream_you_scream_we_all_scream/
%
A 5-year-old sat next to a pregnant lady.

Boy: Why is your tum-tum so huge?
Lady: Because I have a baby inside it.
Boy: Is it a nice baby?
Lady: It is a very nice healthy baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxv32/a_5yearold_sat_next_to_a_pregnant_lady/
%
For Sale: Parachute.

Only used once, never opened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxur0/for_sale_parachute/
%
Give me a T!

"Give me a T."
"T"
"Give me a T."
"T"
"Oh, fuck it. I'll go to another cafe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxtvp/give_me_a_t/
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A Redditor walks into Reddit Restaurant...

All of our servers are busy right now. Please try again in a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxrlo/a_redditor_walks_into_reddit_restaurant/
%
Think about a future where humanity has no choice but to leave earth.

It's unsettling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxqs1/think_about_a_future_where_humanity_has_no_choice/
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Why hasn't Mexico won any medals in the Olympics?

Because all the Mexicans who can swim well, jump high and run fast are in the United States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxpxb/why_hasnt_mexico_won_any_medals_in_the_olympics/
%
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a Parking spot.....

The good ones are all Taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxnm7/dating_in_your_30s_is_like_looking_for_a_parking/
%
Satan appeared at the front of the Church.....

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little Perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxnfm/satan_appeared_at_the_front_of_the_church/
%
Two gay Men are travelling.......

...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his Shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxn67/two_gay_men_are_travelling/
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How many south americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxlep/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why did everyone invite mushroom to the party?

Because he's a fungi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxl47/why_did_everyone_invite_mushroom_to_the_party/
%
Bought an elephant for my friends

So I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said "Thank you."
I said "Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxl1o/bought_an_elephant_for_my_friends/
%
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as Trump came on the TV..

After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there is the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him and left.
"Dadgum!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Trump country."
"Nope," the bartender replied, "Horse country!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxje7/a_man_walked_into_a_cowboy_bar_and_ordered_a_beer/
%
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.

Those dirty bastards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxgpg/thieves_had_broken_into_my_house_and_stolen/
%
What is ISIS's favorite candy bar?

Allahu Snackbar, it's flavor is explosive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xxd0b/what_is_isiss_favorite_candy_bar/
%
I could win an Olympic gold medal

If the women's gymnastic balance beam was a male competition too, I could win the gold medal. I've been mastering a 4 inch wood beam since I was a little kid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xx9es/i_could_win_an_olympic_gold_medal/
%
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xx5nd/why_does_donald_trump_take_xanax/
%
Two Latvian men are talking to each other...

Two Latvian men are talking to each other.
The first says "I have joke for you. What did one potato say to other?"
The second says "Nothing. Nobody have two potato."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xx01b/two_latvian_men_are_talking_to_each_other/
%
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got fired

because I couldn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xx00f/my_first_job_was_working_in_an_orange_juice/
%
Did you know the ninjas have gotten together and formed a union?

They strike from the shadows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwyjt/did_you_know_the_ninjas_have_gotten_together_and/
%
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwyh7/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
%
A Brit, a Frenchman, and an American are shipwrecked at sea...

They wash up on an island where they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The Chief of the tribe says to the three men,"We are going to sacrifice all of you, eat you, and use your skins for a canoe. We will allow you each to choose how you die." The Brit asks for poison. The Chief hands him a cup and before the man takes the sip he exclaims, "God save the Queen!". He quickly falls to the sand. The Frenchman gets up and asks for a knife. The Frenchman shouts,"Viva la France!" and then he slits his throat. The American jumps up and asks the Chief for a fork. Confused, the Chief grants the man's final wish. The American begins stabbing himself repeatedly all over his body, and blood gushes everywhere, all over the sand. The chief shouts, "What are you doing?!" to which the American replied, "Fuck your canoe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwy9h/a_brit_a_frenchman_and_an_american_are/
%
I told my friend that I disproved the theory of conservation of mass,

But he didn't understand the weight of the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwxib/i_told_my_friend_that_i_disproved_the_theory_of/
%
A photon checks into a hotel...

And the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, "No, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwuu1/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
%
Which songs do planets sing?

Neptunes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwsjz/which_songs_do_planets_sing/
%
What's the definition of a will?

It's a dead giveaway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwsaa/whats_the_definition_of_a_will/
%
I hate school and got caught skipping the other day...

My principal said, "Walk normal next time, you fruitcake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwrn2/i_hate_school_and_got_caught_skipping_the_other/
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After years of hard work and dedication, I can finally say that I have that sexy body I've always wanted.

It's in my freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwqej/after_years_of_hard_work_and_dedication_i_can/
%
I like my coffee like i like my women...

...from a third world country and at a reasonable price!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwo2g/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

NSA: They’re.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwnai/anyone_else_get_the_feeling_their_being_watched/
%
Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwn82/statistics_is_like_a_bikini_on_a_beautiful_woman/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay money to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwn11/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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I had a job interview today.

I was offered the job and told the salary was £7.50 an hour for the first three months and would then go up to £15 an hour.
The guy asked me when I could start.
I replied "In three months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwix6/i_had_a_job_interview_today/
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I lost my virginity to a retarded girl

I wanted my first night to be special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwiqz/i_lost_my_virginity_to_a_retarded_girl/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

The chicken clucked silently to himself as he wiped the rain water from his eyebrows. It has been raining for hours now, but that was good, he would be harder to follow. He breathed in and put his eye to the glass, staring down the scope, using it to peer through the window of the diner across the street. That's where the man sat, the farmer that started it all. He raised him from a chick, fed him, gave him a wife and child.... then took it all away for his own gain. But the chicken wasn't going to let it end like that, oh no. He clucked his final prayer, watched, waited for the rain to fall straight down, a sign of no wind.... and pulled the trigger.
Quickly he descended the ladder, leaving the gun behind, chickens didn't have fingerprints... he sprinted across the road, ducked into a nearby alley, and fled. Never to be seen again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwhyf/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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What did one strawberry say to the other?

If you weren't so fresh last night we wouldn't be in this jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwh18/what_did_one_strawberry_say_to_the_other/
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What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 35 pounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwh07/whats_the_difference_between_a_wife_and_a/
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If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it..........

He's gay, definitely gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwgqw/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_10_men_shes_a_slut_but_if/
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Jesus drove a Honda, but nobody knew about it.

For I did not speak of my own accord. - John 12:49

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwe5e/jesus_drove_a_honda_but_nobody_knew_about_it/
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What's 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwdre/whats_69/
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Tax office sent an inspector.....

....to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwbzs/tax_office_sent_an_inspector/
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What's the program jedi use to read pdf files?

Adobe wan kenobi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xw9e2/whats_the_program_jedi_use_to_read_pdf_files/
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I took my girlfriend to tour NASA this weekend!

She said she needed some space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xw98f/i_took_my_girlfriend_to_tour_nasa_this_weekend/
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How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

Call her and tell her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xw8xb/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_while/
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What do you call a smart gay chemist?

A homogeneous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xw7xh/what_do_you_call_a_smart_gay_chemist/
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A naked man broke into a church this morning...

After a 30 minute chase, the police finally caught him by the organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xw67i/a_naked_man_broke_into_a_church_this_morning/
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How do you unlock a door made of dough

With a cookey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvwbn/how_do_you_unlock_a_door_made_of_dough/
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A man with no experience is left in charge of a sex shop for a few minutes

and doesn't expect to get any customers. However, a woman enters and points to the counter. "Umm, how much for that long, white one?"
The man crossed his arms and guessed. "Uh, $20." So the woman paid, took the dildo, and left.
Another woman came in a few minutes later, pointed to the counter, and asked - "How much for that long black one?"
The man bit his lip and made a guess. "Uh, $50." So the woman paid, took it, and left.
A third woman enters and looks really excited. "Oh, how much for that thick, red-and-green plaid one?". The man looked a bit confused and responded - "Uh, I'll say $200." And the woman took it and left.
The owner returned and asked if there'd been any business. "Oh, sure. I sold a white dildo for $20, a black one for $50, and I sold your thermos for $200."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvvy1/a_man_with_no_experience_is_left_in_charge_of_a/
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Silence

is golden but duct tape is silver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvvg2/silence/
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There's a new terrorist group targeting gorillas

It's called Boko Harambe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvuki/theres_a_new_terrorist_group_targeting_gorillas/
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Little Kevin

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an infinite Visa Card, and all while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from Little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson...
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin's whore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvuh7/little_kevin/
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I've given up masturbation for a week

I'm just not feeling myself anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvu68/ive_given_up_masturbation_for_a_week/
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2 words can open up many doors in your life.

Push and Pull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvsey/2_words_can_open_up_many_doors_in_your_life/
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Derrick goes to Asian night at the club.....

Derrick (a white american) learned that his Chinese friend has an american name (Joey) and a Chinese name (Yao). He has the yellow fever so he tests his luck at the local bar for Asian night. He musters the courage to talk to one of the girls at the bar.
"Hey what's your Chinese name?"
"My name is Kristin and I'm Filipino you racist!"
Derrick shrugs his douchey shrug and walks onto the next girl.
"What's your Chinese name?"
"I'm Lindsay and I'm Korean you racist!"
Derrick shrugs again working those douche muscles and moves onto the next girl.
"Hey what's your Chinese name?"
"I told you it's Kristin you fuck  !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvrx2/derrick_goes_to_asian_night_at_the_club/
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Pavlov

is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint;
the phone rings,and he jumps up shouting: “Oh Shit, I forgot to feed the dog!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvpjk/pavlov/
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Top-down is the right way to wash just about anything...

...but apparently not convertibles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvnzo/topdown_is_the_right_way_to_wash_just_about/
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Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.

Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvlle/did_you_know_if_you_drink_the_fluid_from_a_magic/
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China always cheat in the Olympics

They always use the same person for every sport

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvkxc/china_always_cheat_in_the_olympics/
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What starts with "p," ends with "s," and is really long?

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvjbu/what_starts_with_p_ends_with_s_and_is_really_long/
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After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvgje/after_sex_my_wife_told_me_i_deserve_a_gold_medal/
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What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xvfhj/what_happens_if_usain_bolt_misses_his_bus/
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How did I escape Iraq?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xva6r/how_did_i_escape_iraq/
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The weather in England is like the Muslims in Iraq.

It's either Sunni, or Shiite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xv72n/the_weather_in_england_is_like_the_muslims_in_iraq/
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A pharaoh makes a reservation in a restaurant:

"Can I reserve a table for two?"
"Sure just give me a name."
"Semerkhet."
"Would you spell it for me?"
"Bird, double triangle, wavy line, another bird, dog head, sun, scarab..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xv65w/a_pharaoh_makes_a_reservation_in_a_restaurant/
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my Pants"?...

"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xv10f/during_my_prostate_exam_i_asked_the_doctor_where/
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I hate it when homeless people shake their Change cups at me.....

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xv0sq/i_hate_it_when_homeless_people_shake_their_change/
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My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...........

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your Proof!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xv0g4/my_neighbour_owes_me_500_and_he_wont_pay_up/
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A naked woman robbed a bank today...

When authorities asked about the culprit no one could remember her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xuwas/a_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank_today/
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A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum.

He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.
Headline in the local newspaper next day read,
"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xuvm8/a_guy_escaped_from_the_lunatic_asylum/
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Wife dreamed that she was attending a Dick auction........

Wife : "I Dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "They gave those away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xuu7n/wife_dreamed_that_she_was_attending_a_dick_auction/
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An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm Count for his Physical exam...............

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xutie/an_85yearold_man_had_to_take_a_sperm_count_for/
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My friend was harassing me with bird puns

But toucan play at that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xurqj/my_friend_was_harassing_me_with_bird_puns/
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Whats the difference between Harambe and a African child?

People give a shit about Harambe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xurep/whats_the_difference_between_harambe_and_a/
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a man takes his crossed-eyed bull dog to the vet..

The vet examines him, looks in his eyes, ears, mouth.
he picks up the dog and checks his legs and belly.  finally, the vet says "i'm gonna have to put him down"
"because he's cross-eyed?"  asks the man
"no, because he's really heavy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xunwg/a_man_takes_his_crossedeyed_bull_dog_to_the_vet/
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An egg sits perfectly balanced on the apex of a roof, the wind blows south, which way does the egg fall?

Down. The egg falls down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xuljp/an_egg_sits_perfectly_balanced_on_the_apex_of_a/
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At the Pearly gates...

Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy  and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly.
"I can't let you in. You lived a life of Avarice. You loved money so much, you even married a woman name Penny."
Then came the second straight guy.
"Sorry, can't let you in either. You lived a life of Gluttony. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously,
"We might have a problem, Dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xul4r/at_the_pearly_gates/
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a young lady in a purity group is on a flight that crashes in the desert...

as she's wandering she sees an oasis off the horizon!  as she's running to it she comes across two men.
they speak little English but understand enough to know what happened to her.  so, one of the men offers her his canteen of water.
she says "oh bless you!  but I cannot accept, god has provided me an oasis over the horizon!"
he tries to offer her again but she refuses, says a prayer, and runs off out of sight.
one of the men asks the other, "did she take of your water?"
and he says "no, I think she's saving herself for mirage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xuh6r/a_young_lady_in_a_purity_group_is_on_a_flight/
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A man walks into a bar...

He tells the bartender "get me a beer, get a beer for yourself, and a beer for everyone else in the bar."
The bartender smiles and does as he asked. Then the bartender told the man that it would be 62.50 for all the beers.
The man smiled at the bartender and said, "I ain't got no money!"
The bartender grabs the man by the collar and throws him out the door. "If you come back I'll bust you up!"
Ten minutes later the man came back. He walked up to the bartender and told him "Pour me a beer, get a beer for yourself, and a beer for everyone else in the bar."
The bartender looked suspiciously at the man. Surely he wouldn't be dumb enough to try this again. The bartender pours everyone another beer.
"62.50" said the bartender.
"I ain't got a nickle!" said the man with a laugh.
The bartender punches the man in the face and throws him out the door. "Don't come back you bum!"
Ten minutes later the man comes back. He walks up to the bartender and told the bartender "Pour me a beer and pour one for everyone else in the bar."
"What? No beer for me this time!?" asked the bartender.
"No" replied the man. "You get violent when you drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xufku/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between Jews and Harry Potter?

Harry Potter escaped the chamber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xuduw/whats_the_difference_between_jews_and_harry_potter/
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A girl called me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home!"

I went over. Nobody was home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xuca7/a_girl_called_me_the_other_day_and_said_come_on/
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"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xubry/when_one_door_closes_another_opens_he_said/
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If I weren't such a genus

I'd be more specific.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xu7xs/if_i_werent_such_a_genus/
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If you had an orgy without any Scottish people...

You'd be getting off scot-free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xu6jx/if_you_had_an_orgy_without_any_scottish_people/
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A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.

He puffs out his chest, looking all tough, and says to everyone in the bar, "Watch this!"
He pulls down his pants, opens the alligator's jaws, puts his penis inside the alligator's mouth, closes it, and then punches the alligator right between the eyes with all his strength.
The alligator's jaws spring open, and the man puts his completely unharmed penis away.
He says to the rest of the bar, "Is anyone else *man* enough to try this?"
After a brief moment of silence, a timid guy in the corner replies,
"I'll do it, but please just don't hit me so hard on the head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xu63t/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_alligator_on_a/
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If prisoners were allowed to take their own mugshots

they would be called, cellfies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xu49y/if_prisoners_were_allowed_to_take_their_own/
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WALKS INTO A BAR... FREE DRINKS

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xu38h/walks_into_a_bar_free_drinks/
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I invented a new word:

*Zygorepostalgia*
It's the feeling you get when you see the same joke reposted more than once in the same day and realize it wasn't funny the first time either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xu0i9/i_invented_a_new_word/
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What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs. Hawking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtzlh/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_pleasures_herself/
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I hate it when people say Amsterdam is only for smoking weed.

I mean c'mon, there's prostitutes too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtzii/i_hate_it_when_people_say_amsterdam_is_only_for/
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I went to a Rastafari's funeral last night…

It was dreadful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtyrv/i_went_to_a_rastafaris_funeral_last_night/
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Duct Tape is like The Force...

It has a dark side, and a light side, and it holds the universe together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtvyp/duct_tape_is_like_the_force/
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Female Pharmacist

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her twin sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection no matter how many times I get it off. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtsss/female_pharmacist/
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Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church.....

They all look at you with disgust, but deep down, you know they want some, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtqj2/dating_a_stripper_is_like_eating_a_noisy_bag_of/
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Last request

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtq9r/last_request/
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What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtpm2/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
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What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtoom/what_do_you_call_a_boner_at_a_funeral/
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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning Briefing to his staff...

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% Pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell Silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtnfv/a_us_marine_colonel_was_about_to_start_the/
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90s Kids won't get this............

Social Security Benefits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtn4w/90s_kids_wont_get_this/
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At a playground, a woman asked a man "Which kid is yours?"

The man replied "Haven't decided yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtmsq/at_a_playground_a_woman_asked_a_man_which_kid_is/
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Last night I witnessed my dad having a stroke

I really wish he would lock the door when he does that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtg09/last_night_i_witnessed_my_dad_having_a_stroke/
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Why are Pokemon terrible to play hide and seek with?

Because they pikachu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtdt8/why_are_pokemon_terrible_to_play_hide_and_seek/
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How do you get out of a Russian prison?

You have Vladmir Putin a word for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xtdqe/how_do_you_get_out_of_a_russian_prison/
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A Guy Goes to The Supermarket

He notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly:
"I’m your son’s teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xt5ep/a_guy_goes_to_the_supermarket/
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If pirates say "Arr", What do software pirates say?

.RAR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xt55w/if_pirates_say_arr_what_do_software_pirates_say/
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I really hit it off with a girl until I discovered she had an unusual deformity

So I hit it off really well with a girl until I discovered she had an unusual deformity: Apparently, she only has one buttcheek. Well, I had to call the whole thing off there and then. I don't believe in doing anything half-assed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xt3lm/i_really_hit_it_off_with_a_girl_until_i/
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"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted to.
I was keeping the umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xt2z9/give_it_to_me_give_it_to_me_she_yelled_im_so_wet/
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Usain Bolt decides to play some golf

He goes into the clubhouse to get membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry sir, we don't allow black people in this club.'
'That's ridiculous. It's 2016 and you don't allow black people in this golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene sir, there's another golf club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'Its only 2 minutes then'
Credit to /u/Ron_manager who posted this a year or so ago, it's a breath of fresh air compared to the usual Bolt/Hitler one that does the rounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xt217/usain_bolt_decides_to_play_some_golf/
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Cup of Tea

According to Tetley, the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.
So every morning I slap her arse and say "two sugars fatty".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xt08g/cup_of_tea/
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Why'd the air resistance committed suicide?

Because he's always being neglected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xsyjt/whyd_the_air_resistance_committed_suicide/
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It's okay to be that guy.

Remember guys, next time you're at a bar or club trying to pick up a girl, there's really only one type of guy to be.  That guy is a real panty-dropper, takes shit from everyone, but remains unmoved, gets more ass than anyone else in the room, and
is the first thing a drunk girl wants to see.  Next time you're at a bar or club trying to pick up a girl, be a toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xsxl8/its_okay_to_be_that_guy/
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I'm doing some research for Vaseline

A man doing market research knocked on a door
and was greeted by a young woman
with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback.
He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that
they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty.
Since you've been frank so far,
can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xswgf/im_doing_some_research_for_vaseline/
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I heard that John Cena had a failed porn career...

Every time they tried to do the money shot nobody could see him coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xsrnx/i_heard_that_john_cena_had_a_failed_porn_career/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xspf4/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby_the_bus/
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Sex doll

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says , 'Female.'
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?
Customer says , 'White.'
Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xsojt/sex_doll/
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My ex wife still misses me

but her aim is getting better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xsoih/my_ex_wife_still_misses_me/
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Pakis!

The Pope was on a visit to England, and taking a tour of Newquay.
Walking along the seafront, he noticed something strange going on in the sea a few hundred metres from the beach. A Pakistani man who looked badly hurt seemed to be drowning in the water. The pope asked his aid if he could borrow some binoculars so that he could see what was happening more clearly. Looking through them, he then realised that the Pakistani man was in fact being attacked by a shark.
30 seconds later, a speedboat came into view with three men on board, all wearing England football shirts. The first man harpooned the shark, while the second guy saved the Pakistani by pulling him onto the boat. The third guy and the first guy then struggled with the shark, eventually killing it before pulling it's dead body onto the boat before speeding off to the harbor where they hung the shark up on public display, to cheers from the large crowd that had formed nearby.
The Pope, still in a state of disbelief, insisted on meeting the three men, and headed to the harbour. On arrival, he called them over to him and said: "What I have just witnessed was truely amazing. I'd heard there was a lot of racial tension in England, but your actions and bravery have showed me that this is indeed not the case. You all risked your life to save this man and I hope that news of this will travel around the world and set an example to others. May you all live in peace and harmony forever, and may God bless you for the rest of your lives."
He then returned to his car and was driven off back into the town.
The first English guy turned around to the second guy and asked "Who the hell was that?"
"That was his Holiness the Pope." Replied the second guy.
"Well he knows FUCK ALL about shark fishing!" added the third guy. "How's the bait doing or do we need to find another one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xsnn8/pakis/
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I'm finally going to do something about my alcoholism

I'm going to pour out all the booze in my house. One shot at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xsi6z/im_finally_going_to_do_something_about_my/
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Bubba died in a fire...

Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue had to call up his two friends to identify the body.
The mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his ass and said, "Nope, that ain't Bubba."
Jim-Bob left the room and then Billy-Joe was asked to identify the body. The mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass said, "Nope, that ain't Bubba."
The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"He what..." asked the puzzled mortician.
"Yep, everyone in town knew he had two assholes 'cause every time the three of us went to town, people would always say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xsi3j/bubba_died_in_a_fire/
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My friend stole my Atlas and won't give it back.

Seriously it's the world to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xsd0j/my_friend_stole_my_atlas_and_wont_give_it_back/
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Mickey Mouse "Doc, my knees hurt!"

Doctor: Which knee?
Mickey: Disney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xsajn/mickey_mouse_doc_my_knees_hurt/
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Monopoly

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xs6s4/monopoly/
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I hope my girlfriend enjoys long, romantic walks...

...because I don't have a car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xs5s1/i_hope_my_girlfriend_enjoys_long_romantic_walks/
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I just invented a new word:

plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xs4bu/i_just_invented_a_new_word/
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Why don't black people dream?

The last one who had a dream got shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xs3ui/why_dont_black_people_dream/
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A Boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother....

They couldn't settle on a name, Until it hit them!
They named him Ravi O. Lee
Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xs3gh/a_boy_was_born_of_an_indian_chinese_irish_and/
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What does Skrillex call masturbating?

Wubbing one out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xs3ap/what_does_skrillex_call_masturbating/
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An Ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him......

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The Man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The Woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 Dollars for the ride here and back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xs37y/an_ugly_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_a_beautiful/
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What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

He waits at the next station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xs0r8/what_does_usain_bolt_do_when_he_misses_the_bus/
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Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xry5v/blonde_boards_a_airplane/
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A man is looking for love...

A man wants desperately to marry a virgin. It was his greatest fantasy too be with a women who has never seen or even talked about sex or seen a penis.
For years he searched to find his perfect innocent angel. A women who has never even seen a penis. But no matter how hard he tried. The women he meets aren't up to his standard.
One day as the man drove down a lonely country road he sees a young women dressed in a simple brown dress walking. He pulls over and asks if she'd like a ride. She agrees.
After speaking with her he discovers she was from a small community that was very religious.  The man was excited to find such a pure innocent women. So he asked her on a date. She agreed.
After a few dates. The man finally worked up he courage to bring up the subject of sex.
"Have you ever seen a penis?" The man inquired.
Giggling shyly the girl replies, "What's that!?"
*at last! the man thought. The women of my dreams. She's beautiful, innocent, pure.
The man then devotes himself to earning the women's hand in marriage. Courting her so her very religious parents would approve. Eventually, he asked her to marry him and she agreed.
On their wedding night the man couldn't be more excited. Finally a women who was truly pure. His years of searching and patience would finally pay off.
"Are you ready?" The man asked. His new wife shook her head excitedly.
"I think it's time you finally see a penis and learn what it's used for." The man whispered. His wife giggled shyly.
The man stood up and dropped his bath robe revealing his fully erect penis.
"This my innocent wife, is a penis..." The man proclaimed.
The women began to laugh uncontrollably as the mans brow furrowed in confusion.
"What's the matter?" The man asked getting angry.
"That's not a penis!" The women laughed. "A penis is three times bigger and comes in the color black...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrxyl/a_man_is_looking_for_love/
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I went to the shop and bought a Christmas Tree.

The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"
I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrxm0/i_went_to_the_shop_and_bought_a_christmas_tree/
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Little Johhny and his grandpa were fishing one day...

Sitting on the dock grandpa pulls out a cigar and lights it up and began to smoke. Little Johnny asks, "grandpa can I try some?"  Grandpa asks, "can you touch your pee pee to your bum hole?" Little Johnny says, "we'll no its too short." Grandpa says, "we'll then you're too young".  Short time later grandpa pulls a beer out of the cooler and takes a swig. "Hey grandpa,  can I  try a sip", Johnny asks. Grandpa asks again, "can you touch your pee pee to your bum hole?" "No grandpa it's too short" "We'll you're too young then" Short time later Johnny pulls out a little bag of cookies. Grandpa says, hey Johnny can I have a cookie? Johnny asks, "Can you touch your pee pee to your bum hole?" Grinning proudly, he says " We'll as a matter of fact I can!" Johnny says "We'll then go fuck yourself, grandma made these for me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrwvo/little_johhny_and_his_grandpa_were_fishing_one_day/
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What do an IUD and an IED have in common?

They both prevent pregnancy.
^I'm ^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrvs0/what_do_an_iud_and_an_ied_have_in_common/
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What's a mailmans favorite organ?

Da Liver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrszc/whats_a_mailmans_favorite_organ/
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A professor sits with a farmer in a train.

Bored, the professor says to the farmer : "I ask you a question, if you can't answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can't answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?" The farmer nods.
The professor asks the farmer: "What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The farmer silently takes out $5 and give it to the professor.
The farmer asks the professor: "What animal has three legs when ascending a mountain and four legs when descending a mountain?" The professor thinks hardly but couldn't find an answer, so he reluctantly pulls out $500 for the farmer.
The farmer takes the $500 and prepares to nap, the professor asks: "What animal is it!?" The farmer takes out $5 and give it to the professor, then he falls asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrq05/a_professor_sits_with_a_farmer_in_a_train/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrna3/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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How do you circumcise a guy from Wyoming?

Kick his sister in the chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrkcv/how_do_you_circumcise_a_guy_from_wyoming/
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Did you hear that the Department of Agriculture is outlawing round bales of hay?

They claimed the cows weren't getting a square meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrk9u/did_you_hear_that_the_department_of_agriculture/
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Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press - no-one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia: Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have low self esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrk8z/hello_and_welcome_to_the_mental_health_hotline/
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What do ducks smoke?

Quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrji1/what_do_ducks_smoke/
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A boy goes into confession...

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."
"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"
"Oh I can't say."
"Was it Mary Jane?"
"No Father."
"Adalina Mozarelli?"
"My lips are sealed."
"How about Cindy King"
"I can never say."
"Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?"
"No."
"It has to be Tracy Cummings though!"
"Father I will never tell you."
"Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months."
"Ok, Father"
The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?"
The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrjfj/a_boy_goes_into_confession/
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A lawyer was driving in the middle of nowhere...

A telephone pole was suddenly struck by lightning, falling in front of the lawyer, causing him to swerve into a ditch and total his car.
He got out of his car and looked around.  In the distance, he saw a pink-striped house.
He walked to the house, went up a pink-striped sidewalk, knocked on a pink-striped door, and was greeted by a pink-striped man who asked, "How can I help you?"
"I wrecked my car down the road," said the lawyer. "Can I use your phone to call a tow truck?"
To this, the pink-striped man replied, "I'm sorry, the phone is down right now, but you can stay the night and call a tow truck in the morning."
So the lawyer walked down a pink-striped hallway to a pink-striped bathroom where he took a pink-striped shower with pink-striped shampoo and pink-striped soap, dried off with a pink-striped towel, put on pink-striped pajamas and went to a pink-striped bedroom, where he got into a pink-striped bed with a pink-striped pillow and pink-striped sheets and had pink-striped dreams.
About an hour later, another lawyer came driving down that exact same road and saw that exact same telephone pole, causing him to swerve into that exact same ditch and total his car.
He got out of his car and looked around.  In the distance, he saw a pink-striped house.
He walked to the house, went up a pink-striped sidewalk, knocked on a pink-striped door, and was greeted by a pink-striped man who asked, "How can I help you?"
"I wrecked my car down the road," said the lawyer. "Can I use your phone to call a tow truck?"
To this, the pink-striped man replied, "I'm sorry, the phone is down right now, but you can stay the night and call a tow truck in the morning."
So the lawyer walked down a pink-striped hallway to a pink-striped bathroom where he took a pink-striped shower with pink-striped shampoo and pink-striped soap, dried off with a pink-striped towel, put on pink-striped pajamas and went to a pink-striped bedroom, where he got into a pink-striped bed with a pink-striped pillow and pink-striped sheets and had pink-striped dreams.
About an hour later, a third lawyer came driving down that exact same road and saw that exact same telephone pole, causing him to swerve into that exact same ditch and total his car.
He got out of his car and looked around.  In the distance, he saw a pink-striped house.
He walked to the house, went up a pink-striped sidewalk, knocked on a pink-striped door, and was greeted by a pink-striped man who asked, "How can I help you?"
"I wrecked my car down the road," said the lawyer. "Can I use your phone to call a tow truck?"
To this, the pink-striped man replied, "I'm sorry, the phone is down right now, but you can stay the night and call a tow truck in the morning."
So the lawyer walked down a pink-striped hallway to a pink-striped bathroom where he took a pink-striped shower with pink-striped shampoo and pink-striped soap, dried off with a pink-striped towel, put on pink-striped pajamas and went to a pink-striped bedroom, where he got into a pink-striped bed with a pink-striped pillow and pink-striped sheets and had pink-striped dreams.
The next morning, the first lawyer woke up, took off his pink-striped pajamas and put his lawyer clothes back on, walked down a pink-striped hallway to a pink-striped kitchen where the pink-striped man was making pink-striped donuts and pink-swirl coffee, and asked, "Can I use your phone now?"
The pink-striped man replied, "Sure, but don't you want some breakfast first?"
So the lawyer had some pink-swirl coffee, called a tow truck, and left.
About an hour later, the second lawyer woke up, took off his pink-striped pajamas and put his lawyer clothes back on, walked down a pink-striped hallway to a pink-striped kitchen where the pink-striped man was making pink-striped donuts and pink-swirl coffee, and asked, "Can I use your phone now?
The pink-striped man replied, "Sure, but don't you want some breakfast first?"
So the lawyer had a pink-striped donut, called a tow truck, and left.
About an hour later, the third lawyer woke up, took off his pink-striped pajamas and put his lawyer clothes back on, walked down a pink-striped hallway to a pink-striped kitchen where the pink-striped man was making pink-striped donuts and pink-swirl coffee and asked, "Can I use your phone now?"
The pink-striped man replied, "Sure, but don't you want some breakfast first?"
So the lawyer had some pink-swirl coffee, called a tow truck, and left.
The moral of the story is this: 2 out of 3 lawyers prefer coffee over donuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrg7g/a_lawyer_was_driving_in_the_middle_of_nowhere/
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Daddy, what's a transvestite?

Ask mommy, he knows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrg02/daddy_whats_a_transvestite/
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At the Olympics

a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.
"Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrbjb/at_the_olympics/
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My Thai girlfriend says penis size shouldn't matter in a healthy and loving relationship.

I still wish she didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrbfy/my_thai_girlfriend_says_penis_size_shouldnt/
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I like Gravity...

It keeps me down to earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xrb5x/i_like_gravity/
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I slept with a Blind Girl

She kept telling me how huge my cock was but I'm pretty sure she was just pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xr8q6/i_slept_with_a_blind_girl/
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An actor was fired from a movie for being a cocaine addict.

He kept blowing his lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xr8jb/an_actor_was_fired_from_a_movie_for_being_a/
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I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet was a thing

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xr614/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
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A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary...

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
*'So I just switched the heads.'*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xr29e/a_man_whod_just_died_is_delivered_to_a_local/
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A salesman knocks on the door and a little boy answers...

he's drinking his father's favorite scotch and smoking a fresh cigar while wearing his mother's favorite bedsheets as a toga.
"Are your parents home?" asked the salesman.
to which the boy replied, "Does it fucking look like it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xr06u/a_salesman_knocks_on_the_door_and_a_little_boy/
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Bad Mother

Mick, do you think I’m a bad mother?
My name is Paul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqz9u/bad_mother/
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I work a desk job in an AT&T franchise building

I can never get any work done because the internet keeps going down...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqz2u/i_work_a_desk_job_in_an_att_franchise_building/
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A man finds a magic lamp while walking.

He rubs it and out pops a Genie.
Genie - *"You have three wishes but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for your wife gets double"*
Man - *"Okay great, for my first wish I want a 50 room mansion on a 100 acres of land"*
Genie - *"Granted, your wife gets a 100 room mansion on 200 acres"*
Man - *"For my second wish I wish for one Billion dollars"*
Genie - *"Granted, but remember, your wife gets two Billion"*
Man - *"That's perfect, for my last wish, take that stick over there and beat me half to death with it..."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqx9v/a_man_finds_a_magic_lamp_while_walking/
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Hey girl is your name Karl Marx?

Cuz you're starting an uprising in my lower classes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqtdc/hey_girl_is_your_name_karl_marx/
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What’s the ultimate rejection?

When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqqtp/whats_the_ultimate_rejection/
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An American guy ends up in the hospital with an Australian doctor

Feeling very weak and dizzy, the patient asked:
-Did I come here to die?
-No, you came here yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqpy9/an_american_guy_ends_up_in_the_hospital_with_an/
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What do you call a Russian with Tourettes Syndrome?

Yukanol Fukov

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqppw/what_do_you_call_a_russian_with_tourettes_syndrome/
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An eldery couple are in bed one night...

Out of nowhere the husband farts and says. "1-0." The wife asks him what he was doing, and the husband replies that they are having a contest to see who can fart more in bed. The wife, not to be outdone, lets one rip and says, "1-1." A few minutes later the wife is able to let another one out and says, "2-1 I am in the lead." The husband, trying his best to tie it up, keeps failing. He finally tries one last time and pushes so hard that he ends up shitting the bed. The wife asks, "What in the world was that???" The husband replies, "Halftime. Switch sides!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqpl2/an_eldery_couple_are_in_bed_one_night/
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If Hillary wins, I'm moving to...

Benghazi. At least I know there, she'll leave me alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqpbd/if_hillary_wins_im_moving_to/
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What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?

A $100 bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqopl/whats_6_inches_long_2_inches_wide_and_drives/
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Why is it best to wear leather when sneaking around?

It's made of hide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqlkc/why_is_it_best_to_wear_leather_when_sneaking/
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What did the right butt cheek say to the left butt cheek?

*"Let's get together and stop this crap!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqku8/what_did_the_right_butt_cheek_say_to_the_left/
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Trump Tower and Michael Phelps

Between Michael Phelps and Trump Tower, it has been the biggest week for suction cups in the history of mankind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqkpn/trump_tower_and_michael_phelps/
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Two scientists walk into a bar

The first orders some H2O, the second exclaims "I'll have some H2O too!
The bartender, deciding not to be a dinosaur hammer, gives the scientist water instead of showing off his chemistry skills, preventing the second scientist from dying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqji7/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
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I heard 9/10 Redditors are dumb...

I'm so glad to be part of the 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqjd3/i_heard_910_redditors_are_dumb/
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Holmes said to his brother, "Mycroft, all this heroin that Watson administers is making me terribly constipated."

And Mycroft responded, "No shit, Sherlock?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqdb8/holmes_said_to_his_brother_mycroft_all_this/
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If Black Lives Matter So Much...

Why Don't Their Fathers Want To Be A Part Of It?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqcnp/if_black_lives_matter_so_much/
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What's the difference between a jew and pork ?

Cooking time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xqbd8/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_pork/
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Where does the king keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xq90g/where_does_the_king_keep_his_armies/
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Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xq6ec/ruin_a_quote_by_attributing_it_to_the_wrong_person/
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What do 'Game of Thrones' and 'The Sixth Sense' have in common?

Icy dead people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xq5xp/what_do_game_of_thrones_and_the_sixth_sense_have/
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My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

....my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xq50t/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_daily_sex/
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What does a condom and a wife have in common?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xq4e5/what_does_a_condom_and_a_wife_have_in_common/
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People are far too distrustful of chickens.

They can't even cross the road without having their motives questioned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xq4cc/people_are_far_too_distrustful_of_chickens/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun only has one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xq488/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
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A man walks into a whorehouse.

He only had $10 so he tells the madam about his predicament. She looks at him and says "Okay, but you can only do Betsy, that'll be $5." The guy pays her and walks down and sees Betsy. She’s not the best looking, but she would do. After a little bit, the man became more relaxed with the thought of doing a $5 hooker so he puts it in her and it’s the worst feeling he’s ever had on his dick — like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. “Um. something’s wrong, can you do something about that?” Betsy crinkles her face, then says, “Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks.” He hands her the last of his money and she pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time.
The guy puts it back in her and now, it’s the complete opposite: it’s the best feeling he’s ever had, and he finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, “oh my god… that felt amazing… what did you do??” Betsy smiles, and says, “for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xq3gl/a_man_walks_into_a_whorehouse/
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An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xq2tr/an_85yearold_man_had_to_take_a_sperm_count_for/
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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate...

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,
Mom.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xq1uo/a_mom_visits_her_son_for_dinner_who_lives_with_a/
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I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there's no money in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xpxot/i_always_keep_a_picture_of_my_wife_and_children/
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Three boys are walking down the railroad tracks and find a $10 bill.....

.... and they're trying to decide what to do with the money.
The first boy says "let's buy some candy" and the other boys say "that's what we always do... Let's use it for something different."  The second boy says "let's buy some comic books" and the other boys say "that's what we always do when we don't spend it on candy."  The third boy says "let's buy a box of tampons".  The other boys look at him and say "what?"  The third boy responds "I saw on TV that we can go running, horseback riding, swimming....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xpw0k/three_boys_are_walking_down_the_railroad_tracks/
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Last night, a two-seat, single engine plane crashed in a Polish cemetery.

Polish authorities report that they have recovered five hundred bodies so far and believe thousands more may still be found.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xpvwv/last_night_a_twoseat_single_engine_plane_crashed/
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Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Officer in a Hummer H1 stop next to a Soldier in a Wrangler:
Officer : "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xpqh3/soldier_do_you_have_change_for_a_dollar/
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What does a dog have in common with a near-sighted gynecologist?

They both have wet noses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xpnnb/what_does_a_dog_have_in_common_with_a_nearsighted/
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Three men walk into a bar...

Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever."
The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."
So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.
Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.
He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xplyc/three_men_walk_into_a_bar/
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What's the best response when someone wastes your time?

Answers below please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xpl04/whats_the_best_response_when_someone_wastes_your/
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How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xpitd/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
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OP worked at a pizza restaurant

OP delivered
^^^^^^pizza

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xpijz/op_worked_at_a_pizza_restaurant/
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His dick is like shopping for food at whole foods.

It doesn't matter how much I get, or when I get it. I always feel fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xpib3/his_dick_is_like_shopping_for_food_at_whole_foods/
%
Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Kim Jung il are entering the gates of hell

Obama sees that there is a phone at the Devils office and asks him if he could use it to make one last call to his family. The devil says its ok and Obama makes the call. He spoke for 10 minutes and the devil then said it cost 1 million dollars because it was a long distance call. Obama obviously didn't have a choice so he payed up and then entered the gates of hell.
Queen Elizabeth then said she wanted to make a call and the devil said it'd come at a price as well. The devil knew that she had a lot of money so after she spoke for 10 minutes he charged her 10 million dollars for her call to England. Queen Elizabeth easily payed the money to the devil and then entered the gates of hell.
Kim Jung il was then allowed to make a call. He lost track of the time and talked for over 50 minutes on the phone with his friends in North Korea. After hanging up he realized his mistake and was extremely worried about how much the devil would charge him. The devil went up to him and said 3 cents. Kim Jung il was shocked and then immediately questioned the extremely low price. The devil then replied "It's because making a local call is cheap."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xphtl/obama_queen_elizabeth_and_kim_jung_il_are/
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What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xph5h/what_did_the_thesaurus_eat_for_breakfast/
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Lipstick Girls

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xpfg8/lipstick_girls/
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Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?

The Air Force, because its US AF.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xpdoq/which_of_the_american_forces_is_the_most_patriotic/
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Why did the Mexican fail English class?

Because he refused to turn in his essays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xp9hb/why_did_the_mexican_fail_english_class/
%
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xp8u3/a_boy_paid_a_girl_10_to_climb_a_flagpole/
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Jamaican Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them
being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xp4af/jamaican_sandals/
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[MORAL] It's not always a bad thing to be last!

All the ugly people on earth die and go to heaven. Being that they had to live ugly all their lives, god decided to grant them all one wish! One by one in a line they start to get their wish granted... "I want to beautiful, I want to be smart and beautiful". After days of waiting and listening to everyones request, the last guy finally gets to the front of the line and God asks, "what is your wish my son?" The last guy with a smile on his face says "I wish them all to be ugly again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xp35m/moral_its_not_always_a_bad_thing_to_be_last/
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What's a ghost like to drink on the weekend?

Booze
(Kill me now)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xp27n/whats_a_ghost_like_to_drink_on_the_weekend/
%
I was having a hard time remembering my PIN on my debit card....

So I changed it to 0911. That way I never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xp0r3/i_was_having_a_hard_time_remembering_my_pin_on_my/
%
Two East German guards were standing near the Berlin wall.

"What do you think of our regime?" asked the first.
"The same as you!" the second replied.
"In that case," said the first guard, "it is my duty to arrest you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xoxl7/two_east_german_guards_were_standing_near_the/
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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

Because one of them dropped a nickel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xox98/why_did_the_jews_wander_in_the_desert_for_40_years/
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A young boy walks into a barber's....

..and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xowqj/a_young_boy_walks_into_a_barbers/
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Curious about sex...

A woman brings 8 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her 8 year old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xow2z/curious_about_sex/
%
There's a new machine at my gym.

I used it, but after an hour I started feeling sick...
It's got Snickers, cheetos, Peanuts... Everything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xot4c/theres_a_new_machine_at_my_gym/
%
So a man goes fishing...

He has been working hard all week and finally gets  a chance to go out and relax on the lake.
He spends all afternoon out there and he manages to catch a dozen fish or so. He calls it a day and heads back to shore to gut and clean the fish.
The man finishes cleaning his last fish and begins to head back to his home.
Passing a bridge, the man sees lights flash behind his vehicle and notices that he was speeding. He pulls off to the side of the road and the cop pulls up behind him.
The man rolls down his window and the cop steps out of his car. Already the cop is thinking to himself, what a low life, this man is covered in guts and he smells like trash.
The cop steps outside the side of the window and asks the man, "What do you even do for society?"
The man says in reply, "Well sir, I'm an asshole stretcher."
Seeing the cop looking baffled by the response, the man coninues to explain, "I start with one finger, then two, three , four, then a fist, then two fists and eventually I can stretch an asshole out to about 6 feet."
The cop still baffled replies, "What in the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
The man replies, "Stick him on the end of a bridge and give him a radar gun..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xosdr/so_a_man_goes_fishing/
%
"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.
Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xos3z/am_i_mentioned_in_the_will_the_nephew_asked/
%
A Scotsman moves to London

“How’s the flat you’re living in in London, Jock?” asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
“It’s okay,” he replies, “but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.”
“Never you mind,” says his mother, “don’t you let them get to you, just ignore them.”
“Aye, that I do,” he says, “I just keep playing my bagpipes.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xon2t/a_scotsman_moves_to_london/
%
Why was the bicycle lying on the side of the road?

It was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xomi4/why_was_the_bicycle_lying_on_the_side_of_the_road/
%
My wife found out I was cheating...

... after she found the letters I was hiding.
She got real mad and said that she'd never play Scrabble with me ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xom9x/my_wife_found_out_i_was_cheating/
%
There was a kidnapping at my school today...

It's okay guys, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xolof/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_my_school_today/
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What's the difference between America and a yogurt?

If you leave a yogurt alone for 200 years, it WILL develop a culture  ;-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xojx0/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_a_yogurt/
%
Hospital...

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xof04/hospital/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xoenj/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
%
What do you call a ghost detective?

An Inspectre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xoe21/what_do_you_call_a_ghost_detective/
%
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xodhr/police_why_didnt_you_report_your_stolen_credit/
%
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat??

.. She fits into your wife's clothes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xodgj/how_can_you_tell_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
%
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xobym/did_you_hear_about_the_flasher_who_was_thinking/
%
I once saw a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xobtt/i_once_saw_a_goldfish_that_could_breakdance_on_a/
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A man went to his doctor...

Man: When i press here it hurts, when i press a little bit higher up it hurts and if i press on my leg it also hurts.
Doctor: Looks like you broke your index finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xobqz/a_man_went_to_his_doctor/
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My friend caught me typing "trans-midget anal animal porn" into Bing

I was really embarrassed, and after 10 minutes of me begging and pleading with him, he finally agreed not to tell anyone that he'd caught me using bing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xoamt/my_friend_caught_me_typing_transmidget_anal/
%
A Jew with a boner runs into a wall

He breaks his nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xo8fg/a_jew_with_a_boner_runs_into_a_wall/
%
How do you get a Jewish girls number?

Roll up her sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xo6zn/how_do_you_get_a_jewish_girls_number/
%
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small Penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in Yet."
"Yeah that's the one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xo5ku/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_says_to_the/
%
Wife: Where are you?........

Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife : Turn on the mixer.
Husband : (turns mixer on) Rrrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day......
Suspicious Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love. Wife: Are you sure?
Husband : Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: (turns mixer on) Rrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.
The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asks him, "Son, where is your father?"
Son: "I don't know, he went out with the mixer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xo3ag/wife_where_are_you/
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Why doesn’t Smokey the Bear have any children?

Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xnzmu/why_doesnt_smokey_the_bear_have_any_children/
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A man goes to the doctor

The receptionist asks him what he's there for, and the man whispers "my dick's orange."
The receptionist is a bit shocked, but tells him to go into examination room #1.
The doctor comes into the room shortly after, reads his chart, and says "Is this a joke?"
The man shakes his head no and pulls down his pants.  Sure enough, the man's dick is orange.
The doctor examines the man but is baffled.  He checks if the man has been taking any odd medications, checks his diet, etc.
Finally the doctor, baffled, says, "so when did you first notice this?"
The man says "Three weeks ago."
"And what were you doing three weeks ago?"
The man shrugs and says "Just watching porn and eating Cheetos."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xntfn/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear ?

Whatever you want, he can't hear you..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xnsx2/what_do_you_call_a_gorilla_with_a_banana_in_each/
%
A Farmer asked me to round up his 68 sheep

I said 'Sure, seventy'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xnrj4/a_farmer_asked_me_to_round_up_his_68_sheep/
%
If you were anti-pencil

Would you be erasist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xnqhu/if_you_were_antipencil/
%
In a tiny village lived an old maid.

In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin and very proud of it.
She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said.
The men went to carve it, but being the bastards they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
Instead, they wrote “Returned unopened.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xnoz7/in_a_tiny_village_lived_an_old_maid/
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[META] Dark humor is not funny

Especially when it steals your wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xnow4/meta_dark_humor_is_not_funny/
%
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better man

So I can get a better girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xnop4/my_girlfriend_makes_me_want_to_be_a_better_man/
%
After years of poor yields, Old McDonald will have to sell his farm...

... to cover what he e-i-e-i owes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xno5r/after_years_of_poor_yields_old_mcdonald_will_have/
%
Why did the Muslim cross the road?

To get to the bigger crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xnmdu/why_did_the_muslim_cross_the_road/
%
An Irish man, a Russian man and an English man all go to a magic park

At the park there is a magic slide and each man who goes down it will recive a pot of whatever they desire
The Irish man says "gold!" And he lands in a pot of gold.
The Russian man says "silver! " and he lands in a pot of silver.
The English man says "Weee! " and he lands in a pot of wee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xnm67/an_irish_man_a_russian_man_and_an_english_man_all/
%
A man goes to the Doctor

A man goes to the doctor with a severe speech disorder, determined to discover it's origins.
After many, many tests the doctor comes in with a solemn look on his face.
"werp ducktor, waths da calls of my Airelments?!" The man asked.
The doctor replied. "It appears that your speech disorder is due to you having a massive 20 inch penis."
"Or nor!" The man exclaimed."Ish dare a cur!"
"Not to worry." The Doctor explained. "I believe with a revolutionary new surgery we can transplant your penis with a donors of normal size. This should fix the issue"
"Les drew it!" The man said.
So after a successful penis transplant. The man found that his speech disorder had gone. However, his long time career in the adult film industry was suffering as was is sex life. As he was an unattractive man. He lost his home, his car, all his girl friends and his bank account was nearly empty. He rushed into the Doctors office that had perfumed he surgery.
"Doctor! you gotta put it back. I've lost everything. There has to be something we can do! a life with a speech disorder is far better than this!" The man begged.
The doctor turned to the man with a solemn look on his face.
"Shurry but I cans Harp joos. Use Preenus are allbready been geebon areway!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xnjl4/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Sole Survivor

A rescue team arrives at the site of a crashed airplane to find only a single survivor. The rather haggard-looking man is found while chewing on a bone, with a rather large pile of human bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked.
"You can't judge me for this," the man says defensively. "I did what I had to survive!"
The leader of the rescue team says, "But Jesus Christ, man... your plane only went down yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xniz6/sole_survivor/
%
A girl in my class was a total attention whore

A girl I knew in class was a total attention whore.
Never arrived to class on time and always made sure to make a huge fuss about it.
Didn't talk to her all that much, but I had a few conversations with her.
Her wrists had cuts and burns all over them. She wore t-shirts so she never hid them.
I asked her why she would hurt herself like that.
She said "No one loves me and my life is painful" etc., etc.
"No one loves you? What about your parents or your boyfriend?"
Answer she gave me was something like "They actually don't love me," or some shit like that.
Made a point to not interact with her too much after that, because she's too much of an attention whore.
End of the school year, she came up to me and asked if I wanted to go somewhere with her that Sunday.
I'm not good with these situations, so I couldn't say no, even though I didn't like her.
Sunday came, and we went to one of those tower car parks.
Just as we got to the top, she told me that she wanted me to be here as a witness for her suicide.
"Oh shit," I thought. She was going to jump and was forcing me to watch!
Had I known that she was going to do this, I wouldn't have gone with her.
"Not watching unless you do a flip." I said that to try and shock her into realizing this was stupid.
Complete shock was written all over her face. She thought I'd try and stop her.
"E-eh? You're not going to stop me?"
"No, go on ahead. If you really wanted to live, you'd stop yourself."
After a while, she got off the ledge. She walked up to me afterwards and tried to hug me with tears in her eyes, but I told her I loved someone else. She asked me who, and I told her to read the first letter of *every line.﻿*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xni3b/a_girl_in_my_class_was_a_total_attention_whore/
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swallowing

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun.
"Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".
"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She pries off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement, it's her husband.......
"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xng44/swallowing/
%
A bumblebee, a spelling bee and a vitamin B got in a fight

The vitamin B1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xndar/a_bumblebee_a_spelling_bee_and_a_vitamin_b_got_in/
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Feminists on the moon

My psychiatrists believed I was a pathological offensive joke teller. To prove it to me they brought in a bunch of feminists and asked me to tell a joke that wouldn't offend them. So I came up with this.
"What do you call a feminist on the moon?"
"We don't know," says one of the feminists.
"A problem," I reply.
The feminists looked unamused at my answer.
"What do you call 10 feminists on the moon?"
No reply.
"A problem."
"What do you call 100 feminists on the moon?"
Again, no reply.
"A problem."
"What do you call 10 000 feminists on the moon?"
This time the feminists looked like they were starting to understand the joke.
"A problem," replies the feminists in the middle, "because the world needs every single feminist," she explains.
I give no reply
"What do you call all the feminists on the moon"
The feminists look eager to hear the next line.
"Problem solved"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xnd9u/feminists_on_the_moon/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xnbl4/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
I once saw a skit about public hanging

It had brilliant execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xnb75/i_once_saw_a_skit_about_public_hanging/
%
What's the different between E.T. and a refugee?

E.T. learned English and wanted to go home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xnb0r/whats_the_different_between_et_and_a_refugee/
%
My friend Tim drowned, so we put a lifevest on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xn9th/my_friend_tim_drowned_so_we_put_a_lifevest_on_his/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

...uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xn3qt/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
A professional limboer walks into a bar.

He was disqualified from the competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xn2rd/a_professional_limboer_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A guy calls the hospital and says...

“You gotta send help! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
To which he replies, “No! This is her fucking husband!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xn1zt/a_guy_calls_the_hospital_and_says/
%
A man with Déjà vu walks into a bar.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xn1dm/a_man_with_déjà_vu_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I opened a bar in the coal town of Gillette, WY.

Unfortunately, I was shut down for serving miners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmxse/i_opened_a_bar_in_the_coal_town_of_gillette_wy/
%
What do you call a depressed gang member?

An emoji...  Emo g, get it?  From my 13 year old son

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmwyz/what_do_you_call_a_depressed_gang_member/
%
i found out how to kill vegetarian vampires

a steak to the heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmtzz/i_found_out_how_to_kill_vegetarian_vampires/
%
What do you call a joke with the wrong punchline?

To get to the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xms8i/what_do_you_call_a_joke_with_the_wrong_punchline/
%
A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery.

Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket. He then looks at the Jew with a prideful smile and says "See how sly I am?"
The Jew, being determined to crush the Arab's pride, walks up to the baker and says "If you give me a pastry I will show you a magic trick." The baker's curiosity got the best of him and he agreed.
The Jew ate the pastry and then asked for another. The Jew ate the second one and asked for a third. After the Jew ate the third one the baker's patience began to run low. The baker asked "Okay, so where are the pastries?"
The Jew smiled and answered "Look in the Arabs back pocket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmrc5/a_jew_and_an_arab_walk_into_a_bakery/
%
A crocodile goes to the doctor..

It turns out the crocodile was suffering from ereptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmpyh/a_crocodile_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What did Earth say to the other planets?

You guys have no life!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmnmg/what_did_earth_say_to_the_other_planets/
%
I went to the food court today.

And in the case of Pizza V Hamburger, the judge ruled in favor of the plantiff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmkqi/i_went_to_the_food_court_today/
%
How can you tell which lesbian in the relationship does the cooking?

Neither, they both eat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmhkp/how_can_you_tell_which_lesbian_in_the/
%
What's Harry Potter's favorite way to go down a hill?

Walking.
Jk.
Rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmhhl/whats_harry_potters_favorite_way_to_go_down_a_hill/
%
What do old people smell like?

Depends...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmgjk/what_do_old_people_smell_like/
%
Grammer nazis are the worse.

Thank you four you're time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xme3h/grammer_nazis_are_the_worse/
%
America is converting to metric units...

inch by inch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmdgd/america_is_converting_to_metric_units/
%
Today I met a guy who said he was a Premature Ejaculator

He came out of nowhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmbz0/today_i_met_a_guy_who_said_he_was_a_premature/
%
Did you hear about the guy who lived in a tyre?

He got a puncture and now he lives in a Flat 😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmawn/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_lived_in_a_tyre/
%
If your playing the guitar just remember one thing

Dont finger a minor you could get arrested for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmast/if_your_playing_the_guitar_just_remember_one_thing/
%
I like the term "making a name for yourself"

It implies your parents were wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xm5qu/i_like_the_term_making_a_name_for_yourself/
%
A sack full of chickens

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack. The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."  The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xm59t/a_sack_full_of_chickens/
%
What do you call a British nanny with an MDMA addiction?

Molly Poppins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xm3ou/what_do_you_call_a_british_nanny_with_an_mdma/
%
A gymnast walks into a bar.

He gets a two point deduction and ruins his chances of getting a medal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xm2ux/a_gymnast_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why does Mexico do so poorly in the Olympics?

Because everybody who can run, jump, or swim is already in America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xm2j7/why_does_mexico_do_so_poorly_in_the_olympics/
%
A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, eyepatch, and a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender asks how he got the peg leg.
"Well", says the pirate, "I fell into the sea and had to fight off a shark, but he ate me leg."
"What about the hook hand?" Pirate: "Me vessel got boarded by some scallywags and I lost me hand in the fight."
"Well, how about the eyepatch?"
"Ol' Polly here pooped in me eye!"
The bartender was confused and asked how that could possibly make him lose his eye. The pirate responds: "First day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xm1ta/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My 5 yr old son was just imprisoned for skipping naptime

He was resisting a rest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xm1qb/my_5_yr_old_son_was_just_imprisoned_for_skipping/
%
I used to think porn stars got paid alot

it turns out they've been getting shafted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xm0bo/i_used_to_think_porn_stars_got_paid_alot/
%
Two journalists...

...have to prepare a service about some rural villages, so they go in a village and ask to an old man
"Can you tell us a story about this village?"
and the man
"It was about 10 years ago when we lost a sheep in the forest and we took all day to find her, later we had a great party and we all fucked the sheep"
The journalists say to the man that they can't write about that story and they ask him to tell another story, and the man
"It was about 5 years ago when we lost a goat in the forest and we took all day to find her, later we had a great party and we all fucked the goat"
The journalists ask to the man to tell another story, but this time a story about him, possibly something sad to impress the readers, so the man starts crying and says
"I have a sad story but this one still hurts me even if it happened 7 years ago..."
"Please tell us" says one of the interviewer
"Well, that was the time I lost in the forest"
P.S. Sorry for bad english, correct me if It's needed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlyyc/two_journalists/
%
Why are dogs ignored when they bark?

They're known to cry woof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlyr5/why_are_dogs_ignored_when_they_bark/
%
What happens when you hit a Jewish guy?

Hebrewses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlwl3/what_happens_when_you_hit_a_jewish_guy/
%
I saw a Dwarf who had escaped from prison climbing over a chain link fence. As he was climbing down the other side he scowled and stuck his tongue out at me and ran away...

I said to myself "That was a little condescending"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlvpo/i_saw_a_dwarf_who_had_escaped_from_prison/
%
How many senior medical consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.
He holds up the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlu03/how_many_senior_medical_consultants_does_it_take/
%
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xltoc/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
%
The Quran is like weed

If you burn it you get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xls8v/the_quran_is_like_weed/
%
So apparently yesterday was middle child day...

Nobody noticed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlrgs/so_apparently_yesterday_was_middle_child_day/
%
A blonde is driving in her car and turns on the radio..

It says that two Brazilian men were killed. She stats crying and says, "How many is a brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlphy/a_blonde_is_driving_in_her_car_and_turns_on_the/
%
What type of tea does the Social Justice Warrior avoid?

Reality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlmp3/what_type_of_tea_does_the_social_justice_warrior/
%
An elderly man lays on his death bed, accompanied by his loving wife.

She asks him, 'What would you have me do with your body when you are gone?'
He responds, 'My dear, cremate me. And once I am ashes, make the most spicy bowl of chili you can and mix my ashes in with it. Then eat every last bit of the chili.'
'But my dear,' she asked, '..why chili?'
The man answered, with his last breath, 'So that, in the morning, I can tear that ass up on last time.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xll9a/an_elderly_man_lays_on_his_death_bed_accompanied/
%
A dyslexic man...

Walks into a bra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlk8o/a_dyslexic_man/
%
Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocaine?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlhzb/why_did_the_buddhist_refuse_novocaine/
%
A man walks into a hooker bar with $49...

A man walks into a hooker bar with $49.
A black hooker approaches him and begins giving him a lapdance.  She asks him if he wants to go to the back room and fuck her for $50.  The man responds, "I would, but I only have $49."
The black hooker says, "Sorry then", and walks away.
A few minutes later, a white hooker comes up to him, then starts giving him a lapdance.  She asks him if he'd like to go to the back room and fuck her for $50.  The man responds, "I would, but I only have $49."
But the white hooker says, "Eh, that's fine, let's go", and the two go to the back room to have sex.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The man returns to the hooker bar 10 years later.  When he walks in, the white hooker, still working there, recognizes him and approaches him.  He remembers her as well.  She tells him, "You'll never believe this, but I had a son after we had sex, and you're the father!"  In disbelief, the man shakes his head and doesn't know what to say.  The hooker tells him, "Our son is here, and he's always wanted to meet you."
She walks the man over to the son, then returns to her work.  Now in private, the son speaks up: "Wow, you're really my father.  I have so much to ask, but there's one thing I've always wanted to know most - what is my last name?"
The man then tells him, "It's Goldberg."
The son frowns in disappointment.  He says, "Goddammit, are you telling me I'm a Jew?"
The man sighs, but then responds, "Yeah, but don't sound so disappointed.  For another dollar, you would've been a nigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlhu4/a_man_walks_into_a_hooker_bar_with_49/
%
What happened when the red ship and the blue ship crashed

They were marooned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlha1/what_happened_when_the_red_ship_and_the_blue_ship/
%
A Roman guy walks into a bar

He holds up two fingers and says "five beers please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlgfb/a_roman_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Last night I found out that my wife has conditional gender dysphoria.

She said that she needed to be Frank with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlg9n/last_night_i_found_out_that_my_wife_has/
%
Why do black men hate posting on reddit?

Because they can't deny that their comment was the parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlfia/why_do_black_men_hate_posting_on_reddit/
%
What do you call the medic in a K9 unit?

A dogtor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xld8i/what_do_you_call_the_medic_in_a_k9_unit/
%
You know, I heard listening to Queen has been scientifically proven to give people autism.

Apparently because of the unusually high Mercury content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlcth/you_know_i_heard_listening_to_queen_has_been/
%
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlbo1/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
Why do clumsy people get married?

They fall in love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xlb55/why_do_clumsy_people_get_married/
%
5 year old son after reading a story of a king:

Son: Mom I also want 5 wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will dance and one will bath me.
Mom: And one will put you to sleep
Son: No mom, I will still sleep with you.
Mom's eyes filled up with tears and said "God bless you son, but who will sleep with your 5 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with Daddy.
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears and said "God bless you my son"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xl8jh/5_year_old_son_after_reading_a_story_of_a_king/
%
An old lady's beloved pair of pet rabbits died

So she took them to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked her "would you like them mounted?" "No" she replied, "just holding hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xl76w/an_old_ladys_beloved_pair_of_pet_rabbits_died/
%
Why is cowgirl my girlfriend's favorite position?

Because she says I'm only good at fucking up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xl6f3/why_is_cowgirl_my_girlfriends_favorite_position/
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A man walks into a butcher shop...

... one day and while he is browsing the meat selection the butcher approaches him and says, "I have an offer for you. If you can jump up and slap one of these peices of meat I have hanging here, I'll give you what you want for free. However if you can't reach them then you have to pay triple the amount." The man takes a moment to think it through and replies to the butcher, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xl5kz/a_man_walks_into_a_butcher_shop/
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What do you call a Nazi's concealed weapon?

Auschwitz blade!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xl43a/what_do_you_call_a_nazis_concealed_weapon/
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Can someone come to my house and tie me to my toilet? I keep falling off.

I shit, you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xl3iy/can_someone_come_to_my_house_and_tie_me_to_my/
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?

With little knotsies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xl2h8/how_did_hitler_tie_his_shoes/
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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah that's the one"
Ok looks like the front page is wrong about reposts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xl18s/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_says_to_the/
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Why can't Admiral Ackbar fly to Hawaii?

"Aloha Ackbar" doesn't go over well at the airport

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xl0sm/why_cant_admiral_ackbar_fly_to_hawaii/
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Do you know how you can tell your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkz11/do_you_know_how_you_can_tell_your_roommate_is_gay/
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What's the opposite of a basic Jew?

A Hasidic Jew.
(Thank you.. Thank you.. I'll be here all week..)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkxzj/whats_the_opposite_of_a_basic_jew/
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I had a debate with myself about masturbation...

... On one hand it's feels good. And on the other it feels great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkxm8/i_had_a_debate_with_myself_about_masturbation/
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How business works

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No!
Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.
Son: Ok then.
Dad goes to Bill Gates.
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No!
Dad: My son is the CEO of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ok then.
Dad goes to the president of the World Bank
Dad: Make my son the CEO of your bank.
President: No!
Dad: He is the son in law of Bill Gates.
President: Ok then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkxdq/how_business_works/
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Joke from my Daughter

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Her: To get to the ugly guy's home.
Me: ???
Her: Knock Knock.
Me: Who's there?
Her: It's the chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkxdk/joke_from_my_daughter/
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What do you call a gay drive-by.

A Fruit Roll-Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkroj/what_do_you_call_a_gay_driveby/
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The moral of the story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkpfy/the_moral_of_the_story/
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What do you call an artist with a brown finger?

A Pickassho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkp86/what_do_you_call_an_artist_with_a_brown_finger/
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How do you confuse a gay person?

Seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkoio/how_do_you_confuse_a_gay_person/
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Why is it a bad idea to mess with ents?

They'll call the copse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xko85/why_is_it_a_bad_idea_to_mess_with_ents/
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What's the best part of finger banging a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xknzj/whats_the_best_part_of_finger_banging_a_gypsy_on/
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A hobo walks into a bar...

A hobo walks into a bar. The barman shouts at him 'Get out! We don't serve your type in here!' The hobo says 'OK OK I'll leave. But all I want is a toothpick'. The barman, suspicious, hands him a toothpick and the hobo leaves.  5mins later another hobo comes in and the barman says 'get out! We don't serve your type in here' The hobo says he will leave but asks for a toothpick first. The barman hands him one and he leaves. Over the next few minutes, several more hobos come in and ask for toothpicks.  The barman is really confused. He decides the next time one comes in he'll ask him what's going on. Couple minutes later one comes in and says 'can I have a...' The barman says 'I know I know you want a toothpick'. The hobo says 'actually I want a straw'. The barman says he'll give him one but first he has to explain why all these hobos have come in and asked for a toothpick and now he wanted a straw. The hobo explains: 'somebody has been sick outside. But all the best bits are gone....'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xknnu/a_hobo_walks_into_a_bar/
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So what if I can't spell 'armaggedon'?,

it's not like it's the end of the world.
LoL.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkmcl/so_what_if_i_cant_spell_armaggedon/
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How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkkjt/how_many_vietnam_vets_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Why did Helen Keller fail her road test?

Because she was a woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkjqb/why_did_helen_keller_fail_her_road_test/
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What's the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkd8o/whats_the_difference_between_a_sharply_dressed/
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Two guys are running in the woods. One of them spots two grenades between some trees.

"Oh my! Grenades! What are we supposed to do now?"
"Let's bring 'em to the police. They will know what to do with them!"
Carefully they put them on a towel and tiptoe at snail speed.
After a few minutes, one of the guys says: "I don't know man. I'm scared! What if one of them explodes?"
"Not a problem at all. We'll tell the police we only found one grenade!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkbsw/two_guys_are_running_in_the_woods_one_of_them/
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What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?

My hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xkb9e/what_has_5_fingers_but_isnt_your_hand/
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xk83l/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
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Today I met a woman with twelve breasts,

sounds strange, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjzwp/today_i_met_a_woman_with_twelve_breasts/
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If South Carolina is the Game Cocks

Their offensive line would be the cock blockers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjyyd/if_south_carolina_is_the_game_cocks/
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I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjyho/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_98/
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What rhymes with computer?

No it doesn't...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjy4g/what_rhymes_with_computer/
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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store

to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks on the wall and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjx39/a_mexican_man_who_spoke_no_english_went_into_a/
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A Mexican athlete finally got a medal at the Olympics.

The police are still searching for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjw1o/a_mexican_athlete_finally_got_a_medal_at_the/
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An american, a german and a russian guy crashland in a jungle...

...after some days of pointless wanderling they finally meet the fearsome natives of that place. Their hopes of survival are shattered, as the chief of the tribe proclaims: "We will kill you all in a terrible and painful way." They start to plead for their lifes and finally the chief gives in. He offers them a challenge: "If you succed in our 3 holy tasks, we will let you live. First: Drink 2 litres of our strongest moonshine. Second: Go to the dark cave and kill the bloodthirsty bear living there. And third: Sneak into the camp of our rival tribe and rape their chieftains' daughter." Desperately the 3 men agree.
The American starts. He manages to drink half a litre of moonshines, then passes out, so they kill him. Second goes the German. Being an experienced drinker he manages to trink 1 1/2 litres of the evil stuff. Just as he goes for the rest he blacks out and dies of alcohol poisoning. Third goes the russian. After downing the 2 litre of moonshine in one gulp he asks for more. Having finished another litre he proceeds to waddle to the cave. The natives are mightyly impressed as he enters the cave fearlessly. After some time there are some terrible fighting noises to be heard. There are excruciating screams and moans, from man and bear alike. This goes on for some time. Suddenly there is a loud whimpering from the bear which slowly fades after some time. After that the russian is leaving the cave. His shirt is torn, his back full of bloody scratches, otherwise he seems okay. The natives and their chief watch him in awe. Finally he straightens his back, looks the chief directly in the eye and asks: "Aaah, so, that would be that. Now where can I find this chieftains' daughter, I am supposed to kill?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjvtg/an_american_a_german_and_a_russian_guy_crashland/
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A friend of mine accused me of having a scat fetish

Fuck that shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjtw2/a_friend_of_mine_accused_me_of_having_a_scat/
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If Joseph Stalin completed all of his highschool credits

Does that make him a Stalingrad?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjrja/if_joseph_stalin_completed_all_of_his_highschool/
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I cleaned my fan today

The difference it made just blew me away...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjpua/i_cleaned_my_fan_today/
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A father brings home a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie

and thought dinner would be a great time to test it out.
"So son, where were you doing school today?"
"At School, Dad."
The robot slaps the kid.
"Okay fine, I was watching a DVD at Bill's."
"What movie?"
"The Amazing Hulk."
The robot slaps the kid.
"Okay fine! It was porn! I was watching porn!"
"What!? When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the Dad.
"Haha, well, after all, he IS your son!"
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjptl/a_father_brings_home_a_lie_detector_robot_that/
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?

Sparky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjpki/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_hind_legs_and/
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Little Johnny

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Oh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjp1y/little_johnny/
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I hate my job...

My job is so fucking unbelievable.
I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjoi5/i_hate_my_job/
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A son whale asks his father "Dad, where did I come from?"

"You come from your mother, son."
"Thanks, dad."
"You're whalecum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjo8k/a_son_whale_asks_his_father_dad_where_did_i_come/
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During cold days blondes stand in the corner of the room because...

...there it is always 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjo46/during_cold_days_blondes_stand_in_the_corner_of/
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A child asked his father..

A child asks his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjo3z/a_child_asked_his_father/
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This is a shit post.

**The Shit List**
**Ghost Shit** - The kind of shit where you feel the shit come out, but there is no shit in the toilet.
**Clean Shit** - The kind of shit where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but when you wipe your ass there is nothing on the toilet paper.
**Wet Shit** - The kind of shit where you wipe your ass so many times, and it feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper up your asshole so you will not ruin your underwear with a nasty shit stain.
**2nd Wave Shit** - This happens when you are done shitting, pulled up your pants to your waist, and you have to shit some more.
**Pop-a-Vein-in-Your-Head Shit** - The kind of shit where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
**Lincoln Log Shit** - The kind of shit where it is so huge you are afraid to flush it without breaking it into small pieces with the toilet brush.
**Gassy Shit** - The kind of shit so noisy, everyone in hearing range is giggling.
**The Dangling Shit** - The kind of shit that refuses to drop even though you are done shitting. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
**Drinker Shit** - The kind of shit you have in the morning after a long night of drinking; the most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet bowl.
**Corn Shit** - (Self Explanatory)
**Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Shit Shit** - The kind of shit where you want to shit so bad, but all you can do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
**Spinal Tap Shit** - That is where it hurts so badly you could swear it was leaving your body sideways.
**Wet Cheeks Shit (Power Dump)** - The kind of shit that comes out so fast your ass gets splashed with water.
**Mexican Shit** - The kind of shit that smells so bad your nose hairs burn off.
**Upper Class Shit** - The kind of shit that comes out perfectly: doesn’t touch the bottom of the toilet, doesn’t smell, and defies all laws of
shitting.
**Liquid Shit** - The kind of shit where the yellow-brownish liquid shoots out of your asshole and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
**The Never-ending Shit** - The kind of shit that you feel it come out, look into the toilet bowl, see the beginning, but never see the end.
**Five-Alarm-Fire Shit** - This is when you take a Liquid Shit and it burns you asshole so badly that you want to take a 50 foot lawn hose, put it on full
power and shove it all the way up your ass.
**The Surprise Shit** - That is when you are not even at the toilet because you are sure that you have to fart, but oops ... a piece of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjnwg/this_is_a_shit_post/
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A woman got wooden breast implants today.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline, wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xji8h/a_woman_got_wooden_breast_implants_today/
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Men vs. Women

On the left side of this street there is a big store where you can buy men. And on the right side there is a store where you can buy women. a woman goes into the men store. there are six floors - on every floor there a different men. the elevator works - but only one way: upwards. the woman has to decide if she wants to get out on a floor or go further upwards. she cannot go back. on the first floor, the elevator opens and a kind voice says: welcome to the first floor! men on this floor all have a steady job. the woman is happy, because nowadays it is not self-evident to have steady job. but on the other hand - she thinks - there are 5 more floors! so she stays in the elevator. so on the second floor the voice says: welcome to the second floor! all men on this floor have steady job and look handsome! the woman is even more happy. She thinks: Lets get out of here and get one of those! But, maybe there is more to come on the next floor! So she moves on to the third floor. The voice on the third floor says: All men on this floor have a steady job, look handsome and love children! The woman thinks: What could be better?! But she is too curious for the next floor. She moves on. On the fourth floor the computer voice says: All men on this floor have a steady job, look handsome, love children and are extremely romantic. Oh my god thinks the woman. Now I HAVE to get out. But on the other hand there are two more floors! I will risk one more! So on the fifth floor the voice says: All men on this floor have a steady job, look handsome, love children, are extremely romantic & help in the household! The woman can’t believe it! Does this even exist?! But no! I have to know what the last floor has to offer or I will never be happy again! She arrives on the sixth floor. The voice says: Welcome to the sixth floor! You are the 400.969.156th visitor on this floor! On this floor there are no men -
this floor only exists to proof that woman are never satisfied with men.
On the other side of the street a man walks into the women store. On the first floor there is a sign that says: Welcome to the first floor. All women on this floor are attractive and like sex. The second floor was never entered by a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjeml/men_vs_women/
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down...

You have my Word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xje0p/whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i_will/
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Two women die and arrive at the pearly gates of heaven.

However, there's only room for one of them in heaven.  So St. Peter tells each of them, "Whoever has the best thing to show me can enter."  So the first woman pulls up her blouse, revealing her beautiful sweater puppies.  St. Peter nods, and then turns to the other woman.  The second woman lifts up her skirt and starts urinating.  St. Peter nods, and says, "You may come into heaven."  The first woman, protests and says, "How did I not get into heaven?  All she did was pee!"  St. Peter says, "A flush always beats any pair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjb8c/two_women_die_and_arrive_at_the_pearly_gates_of/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Don't be silly,  feminists can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjadx/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xj7ox/rip_boiling_water/
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Son - "Mom, don't get scared but I'm calling you from the hospital..."

Mom - "Son you've been a doctor for 4 years, and you still go on with that shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xj78s/son_mom_dont_get_scared_but_im_calling_you_from/
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A rope walks into a bar

And sees someone sitting at the bar reposting this joke. The rope hangs the reposter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xj6c1/a_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
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After Osama Bin Laden dies, he finds himself in heaven.

"Welcome," says St. Peter, throwing open the pearly gates, "we've been expecting you."
As soon as Osama walks in, he sees George Washington. Without warning, Washington delivers a devastating uppercut to Bin Laden's jaw.
Stunned, Osama turns around to see Thomas Jefferson behind him. Jefferson raises a wooden cane and cracks it hard over Osama's head.
Then Patrick Henry approaches, and without hesitation, kicks him in the groin.
One by one, scores of American Founding Fathers gather around Bin Laden and proceed beat the crap out of him.
In agony, he cries out, "God, why? This was not what you promised me!"
And he hears God's voice reply: "Didn't you listen, Osama? I told you there'd be 72 Virginians waiting for you in paradise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xj55t/after_osama_bin_laden_dies_he_finds_himself_in/
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What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xj515/what_do_black_guys_have_thats_longer_than_most/
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What color is the wind?

Son: "What color is the wind?"
Mom: "The wind is the wind, it had no color. It's transparent"
Dad: "The wind is blue"
Mom: "Blue? How so?"
Dad: "Because the wind blew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xj4ls/what_color_is_the_wind/
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How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?

All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xj4al/how_can_you_tell_if_your_house_was_built_by/
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Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven is a convicted felon and it is clear that prison life wasn't easy on him. It doesn't help that Six is, naturally, a little timid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xj35n/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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Addicted

Three years ago I got addicted to soap.
But now I'm clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xj2z6/addicted/
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I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food...

We should definitely make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xj2v1/ill_never_understand_how_americans_use_cheese/
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The problem with political jokes

is  they get elected.
--Henry Cate VII

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xj1j6/the_problem_with_political_jokes/
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Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?

BECAUSE There was no chemistry.
LOL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xj0i5/why_did_the_physics_teacher_break_up_with_the/
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The dumb wife?

Three guys are sitting in a bar, complaining about their wives.
The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and we don't even have a garage!"
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod, but she doesn't have any earphones!"
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xiyxm/the_dumb_wife/
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I was in Scotland when...

I was in Scotland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,
"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? FUCK NO!" He slams his pint on the bar loudly, and points out the other window.
"Y'see that bridge out there? I built that all by myself, stone by stone with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Bridge Builder? FUCK NO!" He slams his pint again.
"This very bar, I built it timber by timber with me bare hands but do they call me McGregor: The Bar Builder? FUCK NO!" He slams his pint one last time and cradles his head in his hands.
"But ya fuck one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xixr7/i_was_in_scotland_when/
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2 ants

Two ants meet at the navel of a beautiful sunbathing woman.
They decide that one will explore the area to the north and the other one will go south.
A day later they meet at the navel again.
The ant who explored the north starts to talk about his journey excitedly: "It was awesome! Two steep hills, I took out my climbing gear, went up, took out my deck chair and got a nice tan! What about you?"
The other ant groans: "Don't ask! It was terrible. First I had to fight my way through this humid thicket and when I finally found a cave and was just about to roll out my sleeping bag this fucking bald guy comes in and pukes all over the place!"
(translated from German, so sorry if it sounds weird)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xiwqj/2_ants/
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A rope walks into a bar ...

A rope walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, we don't serve your kind here."
Dejected, the rope leaves. Outside he ties himself into a knot, frays his ends, and walks back into the bar. The bartender stops him and says, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just sent out of here?"
To which the rope replies, "No. I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xitel/a_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
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If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xinzl/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_forest_and_nobody_hears_it/
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A man with multiple-personality disorder walked into a bar.

No he didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xinvl/a_man_with_multiplepersonality_disorder_walked/
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How heavy is a hipster?

One thousand instagrams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xink9/how_heavy_is_a_hipster/
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Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ximdz/why_does_santa_have_such_a_big_sack/
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I have a step-ladder

I've never known my biological ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xijqr/i_have_a_stepladder/
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Have you heard the joke about the baby with AIDS?

It never gets old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xigyv/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_the_baby_with_aids/
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What's the difference between Hitler and Keemstar?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xifjo/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_keemstar/
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I am amazing at managing my credit card.

My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xibpa/i_am_amazing_at_managing_my_credit_card/
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A woman brings 8 year old John home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctor with Mary, her 8 year old daughter.

John's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xibbe/a_woman_brings_8_year_old_john_home_and_tells_his/
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One of my legs is longer than the other. I've spent years trying to get it rectified...

But I just end up going around in circles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xi9na/one_of_my_legs_is_longer_than_the_other_ive_spent/
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My Fairy God-Mother once offered me the choice of a longer penis or a better memory

I can't remember what I chose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xi9cg/my_fairy_godmother_once_offered_me_the_choice_of/
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What do you call Jay-Z having a leg transplant?

A hip-hop hip op.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xi72x/what_do_you_call_jayz_having_a_leg_transplant/
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The sound of the monks.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monk graciously accepts him, feeds him dinner, and even fixes his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monk accepts him, feeds him, and even fixes his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monk reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monk reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monk leads the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xi584/the_sound_of_the_monks/
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Old joke my friend use to tell

A man was having a really horrible day, he lost his job, his wife left him and he decided to go to a bar that he'd never been to before. It was on the 42nd floor of a high-rise building, he goes he sets down and orders a drink. After a few moments a man down on the other side of the bar notices him looking downtrodden and decides to go and see what the problem is. He asks him what is wrong and listens to his story intently. At the end of the story the man tells him "well the reason I really like this bar is that it can really lift your spirits, the winds up here are so strong that if you jump out this window over here to the right, it'll actually fly around the entire building and land you right back in this window. It's such an exhilarating feeling that anything that has went wrong in your life just instantly feel better."  The downtrodden fellow replies "YEAH RIGHT, that a load of bull if I've ever heard one but thanks for the laugh" The cheery fellow tells him it's true and offers to demonstrate the phenomenon first hand to suppress any suspicion. The man agrees and they both approach the window.  The cheery man jumps out the window and sure enough a few moments later comes whizzing from the opposite side and lands perfectly back into the same window. The downtrodden fellow exclaims "WOW THATS AMAZING!" He promptly jumps out the window and plummets to his death....The cheery fellow returns to the bar and orders another drink and the bartender says "you know Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xi3ke/old_joke_my_friend_use_to_tell/
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I gave my girlfriend a picture of me for her birthday

It was a gif.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhzma/i_gave_my_girlfriend_a_picture_of_me_for_her/
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What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?

The Captains log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhxdk/what_did_mr_spock_find_in_the_toilet/
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god and adam

God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me."
Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?"
God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."
Adam said, "What's A valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."
Adam said, "What's a River?"
God explained that To him, and then said, "Go over to the Hill....."
Adam said, "What is a Hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On The Other side of the Hill you will find a Cave."
Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'
After God explained, He Said, "In the cave You will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a Woman?'
So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you To Reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do That?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." And then, Just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as Well.
So, Adam goes down Into The valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, Into the Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in About five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, "What is It Now?"
And Adam said....
"What's a Headache?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhwrv/god_and_adam/
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At a nudist colony for intellectuals, two old men are sitting on the porch...

One turns to the other and says,
"I say old man, have you read Marx?"
The other man replies, "Yes, it's these stupid wicker chairs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhwly/at_a_nudist_colony_for_intellectuals_two_old_men/
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A wife and husband...

A wife and husband have been married for 30 years, and they only had sex with the lights off. One night the wife says turn the lights on, the husband says no, and they begin to bang. The wife turns the lights on in the middle of the act, and she sees the husband with a dildo. The wife says can you explain why have you been using a dildo all these years? The husband says I'll explain the dildo if you can explain the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhuij/a_wife_and_husband/
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1945. Lenin's ghost comes to visit Stalin

Stalin tells the undead Lenin: "See, comrade Lenin, you doubted that the Soviet people will follow me, but in fact they do!"
To which Lenin replies: "Increase the food rations, or else the Soviet people will follow me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhta3/1945_lenins_ghost_comes_to_visit_stalin/
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I was offered Sex Today

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xht66/i_was_offered_sex_today/
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"I'm sorry" & "I apologize" mean the same thing unless...

you're at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhsyk/im_sorry_i_apologize_mean_the_same_thing_unless/
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A 108 year old man was interviewed for the first time today.

The reporter asked him what was his secret to such longevity, and he answered with a simple, "I never argue." "It cannot be as simple as that" replied the reporter. To which retorted the Elder, "You know, you must be right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhqrh/a_108_year_old_man_was_interviewed_for_the_first/
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Trampolines used to be called jumpolines

Until your mother jumped on one back in 87

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhqo6/trampolines_used_to_be_called_jumpolines/
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Knock Knock!

-Who's there?
-I eat mop...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhnw1/knock_knock/
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked me to make a small donation to the local swimming pool

So I gave him a glass of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhmg2/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_me_to/
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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar-fifty, and deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhj8s/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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Lunch

First time posting. Sorry for the bad grammar and punctuation.
There were three construction workers an English and Indian and a Chinese. Everyday at 12 o'clock they'd sit down and eat their lunch. They'd been working at this construction site for a month and everyday they would have the same food. The English man had his fish and chip. The Indian man had his rice and curry and the Chinese man had his chow mein.
One lunch time, fed up with their lunch they decided if they had the same lunch tomorrow they would jump from the top of the building.
Then next day they opened their lunch box and saw they had their exact same lunch as yesterday so they all jumped from the building, leaving a note behind to say why they had decided to kill themselves.
A funeral gathering was held for the three workers. All eyes were on the wives of the workers.
The Englishman's wife sobbing said
"if only he told me he wanted something different I would have made it for him."
The Indian mans wife was crying even harder and said
"this is all my fault I should have made him something different."
The Chinese mans wife looked around the room and said
"don't look at me, he used to make his own lunch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhica/lunch/
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What does a worm do in a cornfield?

It goes in one ear and out the other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhf5d/what_does_a_worm_do_in_a_cornfield/
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Donald Trump and Barack Obama go to the same barber...

...and one day, they walk in at the same time. Neither of them acknowledges the other. They both sit down, and have their hair cut at the same time by different barbers. The politicians don't speak, and neither do their barbers, lest the topic of politics come up.
After many minutes of silence, Trump's barber asks him if he wants a shave. Trump replies, "Fine, but skip the aftershave. I don't want my wife smelling me and thinking I've been to a *whorehouse!*"
Soon after, Obama's barber asks him if he would like a shave. Obama answers, "Of course, and go crazy with the aftershave. My wife has never been to a whorehouse, and certainly doesn't know what one *smells* like!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhe9c/donald_trump_and_barack_obama_go_to_the_same/
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What's the difference between a Feminist and a suicide jacket?

Suicide jacket does something when it's triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xhdic/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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How many ears do Star Trek fans have?

3, Right Ear, Left Ear and The Final Front-Ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xh9uj/how_many_ears_do_star_trek_fans_have/
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A butcher in London...

So there's a butcher who lives in one of the more run down neighbourhoods of London. As such, he constantly has to deal with petty thieves trying to steal meat out of his shop. He's not an educated man, but he becomes quite crafty in protecting his livelihood. One day, the Duke of Wellington passes by the shoppe on his way to a meeting, and sees the man at work, fighting off thieves. The Duke of Wellington is impressed, and spur of the moment, offers the butcher a generalship. His staff, very confused, asks Wellington why he's done this, to which he replies, "have you ever seen anyone so ferociously defend their flanks?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xh96p/a_butcher_in_london/
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Be like Frank

A man drops his truck off for service and walks out to the highway and flags down a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his damn widow.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xh90y/be_like_frank/
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What Does A Tickle Me Elmo Get Before It Leaves The Factory?

Two Test-Tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xh8mq/what_does_a_tickle_me_elmo_get_before_it_leaves/
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There have been a lot of pro nazi posts on here lately

Anne Frankly I'm sick of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xh87a/there_have_been_a_lot_of_pro_nazi_posts_on_here/
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Why did the scarecrow get a nobel peace prize?

Because he was *outstanding* in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xh5gk/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_nobel_peace_prize/
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Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xh4f2/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
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A teenage girl was getting frisky with her boyfriend...

At her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you *fucking* sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xh3wk/a_teenage_girl_was_getting_frisky_with_her/
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What do you call a floating potato?

A levi-tater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xgyeu/what_do_you_call_a_floating_potato/
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All of us had a good time with those Harambe memes

Now the joke is dead because all of you little kids jumped into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xgsz0/all_of_us_had_a_good_time_with_those_harambe_memes/
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What does a fencing Redditor always do with their jokes?

Ripostes them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xgpec/what_does_a_fencing_redditor_always_do_with_their/
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Dog called sex

Usually, anyone who owns a dog calls him Rover or Spotor some such name. I called mine Sex and it got me into constant trouble.
One day when he was young, I took Sex for a walk and he slipped out of his collar and ran away. I spent hours looking for him. A policeman came along and asked me what I was doing in an alley at midnight. I told him I was looking for Sex.
That was my first court appearance.
dOne day I went to the town hall to get mydog registered.I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said he would like one too. When I told him he didn't understand, that it was a dog, he said he didn't care what she looked like. Again I said he didn't understand and that I had had Sex since I was 5 years old. He said I must have been a strong boy.
When I decided to get married, I told he minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the ceremony. I said that Sex had played a big part in my life and my whole lifestlye revolved around Sex. He said he didn't want to hear about it and he would not allow us to have Sex in the church. I told him all my friends and relatives coming to the church wouldenjoy having Sex there. He barred the lot of us and we had to get married in the Registry Office.
Of course, my wife and I took Sex along with us on our honeymoon and when I checked into the Motel I told the clerk we wanted and extra room for Sex. The clerk said every room was for Sex. I said you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night, and the clerk said "Me too."
When my wife and I divorced, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married," he replied, "Me too."
Well now I have been thrown in jail, been married, divorced, and had more darn troubles with that dog than I ever bargained on.
Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist she asked me what seemed to be the trouble. I replied that Sex had died and left my life. it was like losing my best frient.
She said, "You should buy a dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xgin5/dog_called_sex/
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John wants to start bear hunting, so he goes to his local gun shop...

"I want to bear hunt." Says John, "But I don't know where to go. Any tips?" He asks the man at the counter.
"Well, I have heard of this one ridge where there is always a bear every day at 2pm. You are gonna need a good gun though because he is massive."
"Ok, give me that 30-06. That should do it." John buys the gun and leaves the store and the next day heads out to the ridge and scans the valley below. At 2pm a huge bear wanders into his binoculars. "There he is! I'm gonna get him!" John sets down the binos and picks up his rifle. He looks through the scope into the valley but doesn't see the bear. "Hmm. Thats strange." Just then he feels a tap on his shoulder. He lowers the rifle and looks behind him. He gasps in fear as he sees the bear standing over him. "What do we have here?" Says the bear. "Looks like a free lunch."
"Oh please don't eat me says John. I will do anything."
"Well..." The bear says, "There is one thing. You have to let me fuck you in the ass. Then I will let you go."
"Um...ok. Just don't eat me." Says John.
The bear fucks him and lets him leave. John is so angry that the next day he goes back to the gun shop and tells them he needs a bigger gun and that he is going to get that damn bear.
"Give me that 7mm rifle!" John buys the rifle and the next day goes to the ridge. Scanning with the binos he sees the bear again!
"Got you now!" He whispers to himself.
He shoulders the rifle, looks the scope, and the bear is gone again. "What the hell?" He thinks. Just then a tap on his shoulder startled him. He turns around in shock to see the bear there standing over him again.
"Back again I see." Says the bear. "What will it be this time? Do I eat you or fuck you?"
"Fuck me," John grumbles under his breathe.
So the bear fucks him again and lets him go. The next day he is so furious that he returns to the gun shop again.
"I want the biggest weapon you have here!" John screams at the salesman. "I'm gonna get that fucking bear!"
"Ok, well, its not really legal but we have this RPG in the back. Be careful though because we only have one rocket," says the clerk.
The next day, John returns to the ridge determined to kill the bear. He looks through the binos for the bear, locating him near some trees.
"This time you are mine!" John whispers to himself. He grabs the RPG, aims into the valley, but no bear. Again he feels a tap on his shoulder. Hanging his head, John turns around to see the bear there again smiling at him.
The bear says, "You ain't here for the hunting are you boy..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xgenz/john_wants_to_start_bear_hunting_so_he_goes_to/
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Did you hear about the soldier who survived pepper spray and mustard gas?

he's now a seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xgcq1/did_you_hear_about_the_soldier_who_survived/
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January 1974, morning: Nixon looks out onto the South Lawn of the White House. In the freshly fallen snow, someone has written in piss: "Fuck Nixon".

Nixon calls in William Colby from the CIA to investigate. After a couple of days, Colby calls Nixon with the results of the CIA's investigation. "Dick, I have bad news and worse news."
"Oh, Jesus, Bill, what do you mean?"
"Well, we took urine samples of everyone who has access to the White House. It's Gerald Ford's piss."
"Oh, for fuck's sake Bill, are you sure?"
"Yeah, absolutely, Dick."
"Jesus, ok, so what's the worse news?"
"Well, Dick, it's Pat's handwriting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xgco5/january_1974_morning_nixon_looks_out_onto_the/
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What do the Washington Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common?

They're both under DC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xgcdi/what_do_the_washington_metro_system_and_the/
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old man gets a call from his wife

wife: "stay off the highway. I'm watching the news and there's a maniac driving into oncoming traffic!"
old man: "it's worse than you think! I see hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xgbmk/old_man_gets_a_call_from_his_wife/
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How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Hey, wanna go ride bikes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xg5ld/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xg2ry/til_humans_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
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If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xg2ng/if_a_rich_man_dies_from_a_drug_overdose_the/
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My brother is deaf and watches porn

I turned the volume to max in his pc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xg2ci/my_brother_is_deaf_and_watches_porn/
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I've just been diagnosed as Colorblind..

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xg1vs/ive_just_been_diagnosed_as_colorblind/
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An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned

from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b!tch out of the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xg10h/an_american_soldier_serving_in_world_war_ii_had/
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2 long time friends bump into each other after a long time of not seeing each other.

They start talking.
Friend#1: Oh hey, I haven't seen you since your wedding, how are the kids?
friend#2: Oh they're fine, how have things been with you?
friend#1: Everything is great, what say you we go out to eat?
friend#2 All right, I know a place around the corner, real fancy place, they serve great steaks and wine.
They arrive at the restaurant.
they sit down and they order the most expensive meals they can find, along with some expensive wine.
friend#1: Man am I full, WAITER! we are ready for the receipt
Waiter: Very well, it'll be $3,500
The 2 friends argue over who will pay.
Friend#1: I got the bill, it'll be my pleasure for not seeing you in so long.
Friend#2: No it's fine, you're my guest, I'll be happy to pay.
Seeing as how they we're never going to agree, the first friend calls out to the waiter "Waiter, bring me 2 buckets of water please."
The waiter comes back with the buckets.
Friend#1: OK, this is what is going to happen, we will each stick our heads into the buckets, and whoever comes up for air first, has to pay.
They both drowned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xfyw4/2_long_time_friends_bump_into_each_other_after_a/
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xfy7j/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
So i said to my wife...

"Every time you correct my grammar, I love you a little bit fewer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xfwag/so_i_said_to_my_wife/
%
How do you make holy water?

Fill a container and boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xfvz1/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

spector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xft7f/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_with_the_lapd/
%
My father died recently and I came into a bunch of money. I decided to buy a car and pay cash...

and the man at the dealership asked me, "Why are all these bills so sticky?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xft3i/my_father_died_recently_and_i_came_into_a_bunch/
%
If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring?

Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xfrzb/if_you_were_stranded_on_an_island_and_could_bring/
%
How to teach a cat how to bark?

Pour some gasoline on it and WOOF!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xfhva/how_to_teach_a_cat_how_to_bark/
%
What's great when you're at work, and terrible when you're in bed?

Getting off early

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xfdk7/whats_great_when_youre_at_work_and_terrible_when/
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Suspended

Boy: Dad, I got suspended from school today.
Dad: WHAT?!?! WHY?!
Boy: A kid said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
Dad: So?
Boy: So I threw a dictionary at him.
Dad: That's my boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xfc9n/suspended/
%
I won $3 million on the Lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75 and she has $.25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xfbna/i_won_3_million_on_the_lottery_this_weekend_i/
%
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.........

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xfbfk/a_man_says_to_his_friend_i_havent_spoken_to_my/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xfaos/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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I am a man with Alzheimer's, AMA!



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xf8ze/i_am_a_man_with_alzheimers_ama/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun only has one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xf7tt/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries...........

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.  Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.  Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xf6ij/girl_when_we_get_married_i_want_to_share_all_your/
%
Racist Joke

White Black Hispanic and Asian man standing on the tallest mountain. Asian man steps up and say ''this is for my people'' and jumps off the mountain, Hispanic man steps up and screams ''this is for my people'' and jumps off the mountain, black man steps up and yell ''this is for my people'' and grabs the white man and throws him off the mountain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xf5xy/racist_joke/
%
I saw a man the other day arguing with a traffic sign

The sign looked incredibly uncomfortable. It really wanted him to Stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xf5uv/i_saw_a_man_the_other_day_arguing_with_a_traffic/
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Logical nun!

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xf1tx/logical_nun/
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Men are better cooks

With just a piece of sausage and an egg, they can fill a woman's tummy for 9 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xezzc/men_are_better_cooks/
%
I got in a car accident with a guy with a premature ejaculation problem

I swear he came out of no where

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xezuk/i_got_in_a_car_accident_with_a_guy_with_a/
%
When God created Adam and Eve, he had two gifts...

When God created Adam and Eve, he spoke and said, "I have two gifts to give to each of you. First! One of you can have the ability to pee wherever ye shall please!"
Right away, Adam jumped up and said, "Oh! Me! I want that one!"
And God said, "But you haven't heard what the other gift is!"
And Adam said, "I don't care! I want that one!"
So, God sighed, "Fine. It shall be yours!"
God made it so, and Adam started jumping up and down and running all over the place and peeing wherever he wanted.
Then God looked at Eve and sighed, "I guess you're stuck with multiple orgasms."
**Side note**: I had posted this as comment on /r/askreddit, so while I *am* ^^sorta ^^kinda ^^not ^^really karmawhoring, I feel like it would be appreciated more here. :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xewgp/when_god_created_adam_and_eve_he_had_two_gifts/
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Hillary Clinton comes home one day and finds Bill putting a large box back into the closet...

...she asks him what it's for and he responds, "Don't worry honey. Just forget about it." She does until a few weeks later when her curiosity peaks. She looks in the box and finds  $80,000 and 2 soda cans.
When bill gets home she asks him about the box and why there's $80,000 and soda cans in there. He responds, "well honey, I put a soda can in there everytime I cheat on you." Hillary responds, "Well..2 times isn't too bad. But what about the money?" Bill responds without missing a beat, "I recycle the cans whenever the box gets full. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xev7n/hillary_clinton_comes_home_one_day_and_finds_bill/
%
What do you call it when a bunch of Olympic swimmers have the shits for days?

Dia-Rio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xesfu/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_bunch_of_olympic/
%
What does a communist prostitute do?

Seizes the means of reproduction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xes51/what_does_a_communist_prostitute_do/
%
I was suddenly awoken with a blowjob this morning

That's the last time I fall asleep with my mouth open on the train

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xennm/i_was_suddenly_awoken_with_a_blowjob_this_morning/
%
I saw a van covered in dirt...

I saw a van that was covered in dirt & someone had written "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van".
I wrote "she is-when you're at work!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xekrm/i_saw_a_van_covered_in_dirt/
%
Where is an elephant's sex organ?

In his toes. If he steps on you, you're fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xejjf/where_is_an_elephants_sex_organ/
%
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xei7x/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_won_the_lottery_would/
%
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said,

"She means 666-3629.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xehlu/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number_she_said/
%
Little Timmy was struggling very hard with his math classes

. His parents did everything and anything to help their son...private tutors, teacher meetings, and even asking the local Asian kid. Nothing worked.
Finally, in a last ditch effort they enrolled him into a small Catholic school to see if the nun's strict curriculum would do the trick.
At the end of the first day of school the boy walked in with a stern expression on his face, and walked right past the parents and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room, only emerging long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, heading straight back to his room, working feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This continued for weeks until the first quarter report card came out. The parents anxiously opened the letter, and to their amazement they saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH.
Overjoyed, they both rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The Asian kid?", asked the mother. Again, the boy shrugged, "No." Both parents asked in unison, "What was it then?"
He solemnly answered, "When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew those people meant business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xehav/little_timmy_was_struggling_very_hard_with_his/
%
Two Friends, An American and a Russian...

There were two friends, an American and a Russian.
The American was jobless and hungry. But he had an idea: he went to the gates of the White House, sat on the ground outside and began eating hay. Obama saw him there and asked: 'What are you eating hay for?'
'Because I'm hungry and I haven't a job.'
Obama was outraged and ordered that he be fed and given some money.
'What else would you like?'
'A ticket to Russia to visit my friend.'
Obama made the arrangements and the American flew to Russia where he found that his friend was, of course, starving too. The American burst out laughing and said:
'Brother, I can give you a good piece of advice. Go to the Kremlin, sit on the ground by the gates and eat hay. Out will come Putin who will be angry to see you in such a state and give you everything you need.'
And that's what the Russian friend did. He sat down by the Kremlin gates and began eating hay. Out came Putin and saw him there.
'What are you eating hay for?' he asked.
'Because I'm hungry and I haven't any money.'
'You're a fool!' says Putin. 'It's summer now, you should be eating grass and leaving the hay for winter.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xed2h/two_friends_an_american_and_a_russian/
%
What did Barack say to Michele when he asked her to marry him?

I don't wanna be Obama self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xe8zk/what_did_barack_say_to_michele_when_he_asked_her/
%
I only know bad chemistry jokes

Cause all the good ones Argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xe5tx/i_only_know_bad_chemistry_jokes/
%
One windmill asked another what kind of music it likes

The other windmill responded "I'm a big metal fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xe4ay/one_windmill_asked_another_what_kind_of_music_it/
%
Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one' so when..

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xe3x8/just_changed_my_facebook_name_to_no_one_so_when/
%
Star Trek Discovery is going to have a female lead which will ruin the series.

The male captains wandered around aimlessly getting into trouble.
She will just ask for directions and head straight to the destination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xe32h/star_trek_discovery_is_going_to_have_a_female/
%
In Jamaica, how do you know if a mango is ripe?

Pokémon Go!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xe30h/in_jamaica_how_do_you_know_if_a_mango_is_ripe/
%
Why do Jewish people watch porn backwards?

They like the part where the prostitute pays them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xe2nq/why_do_jewish_people_watch_porn_backwards/
%
Women complain that men treat them as sex objects.

Then they buy a vibrator. Isn't that just women treating sex objects as men?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdyr5/women_complain_that_men_treat_them_as_sex_objects/
%
What programming languages would we use if C didn't exist?

Ans: PASAL, OBOL and BASI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdyq9/what_programming_languages_would_we_use_if_c/
%
If Trump replaces Obama as president,

Orange will be the new Black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdxwo/if_trump_replaces_obama_as_president/
%
Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office?

Because it was a mail dominated industry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdxsj/why_did_the_feminist_refuse_to_work_at_the_post/
%
Lil Johnny is sitting in biology class.

The teacher says that an interesting phenomenon in nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Suddenly, the little boy's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, "Lil Johnny" replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbour's Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went 'ffffffffff! fffffffffff! ffffffffff!' But before he could say, 'Fuck Off!', the dog ate him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdwz4/lil_johnny_is_sitting_in_biology_class/
%
Do you know how much cocaine Charlie Sheen uses ?

Enough to kill two and half a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdusm/do_you_know_how_much_cocaine_charlie_sheen_uses/
%
What do you call a team of Slavic supervillains?

A Suicide Squat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdtwj/what_do_you_call_a_team_of_slavic_supervillains/
%
[META] There's been an influx of anti-gay jokes recently and I just wanted to say something: jokes using gay people as the punchline are NOT funny

Come on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdtvp/meta_theres_been_an_influx_of_antigay_jokes/
%
I want to open a drinking establishment without any furniture.

It'll be the best around, Bar None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdrfy/i_want_to_open_a_drinking_establishment_without/
%
A black guy dies & finds himself at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter....

SP: Before I allow you to enter Heaven, you must tell me something truly extraordinary about your life.
BG: Sheeet, no problem. I was a star NFL QB for 15 years!
SP: One of many. What else?
BG: I have 2 Super Bowl rings & 3 MVP trophys!
SP: These things do not impress me. Uniqueness!
BG: Damn....uh....well, I once made love to a white woman on a park bench during a Ku Klux Klan rally.
SP: WOW! Really? Now THAT is extraordinary! When did this happen?
BG: About 15 minutes ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdrey/a_black_guy_dies_finds_himself_at_the_pearly/
%
What does Sean Connery say when he has to go number 2?

"I've got a shituation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdpix/what_does_sean_connery_say_when_he_has_to_go/
%
A Fijian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when a New Zealand tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him...

The Fijian politely ignored the New Zealander, who, never the less started up a conversation.
The New Zealander snapped his gum and said, "You Fijian folks eat the whole bread?"
The Fijian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The New Zealander blew a huge bubble.
"We don't. In New Zealand, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect, recycle them, and transform them into croissants and sell them to Fiji."
The New Zealander had a smirk on his face.
The Fijian listened in silence.
The New Zealander persisted.
"D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing the Fijian replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Kiwi said, "We don't. In New Zealand, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell them to Fiji."
The Fijian then asked, "Do you have sex in New Zealand?"
The New Zealander smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Fijian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course." says the New Zealander.
Now it was the Fijian's turn to smile.
"We don't. In Fiji, we recycle them, we put them in a container, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to New Zealand. Why do you think it's called Wrigleys?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdo8d/a_fijian_man_was_having_coffee_and_croissants/
%
Two Irish men were talking one morning..

"You were so drunk yesterday!", said Callum.
"Why, What did I do?", said David.
"You took a taxi home!"
"So what, it means i don't wan't to get caught for drunk drivin'!"
"The party was at your  OWN HOUSE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdn45/two_irish_men_were_talking_one_morning/
%
Why was the road in so much pain?

Because it has a carpool tunnel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdiu1/why_was_the_road_in_so_much_pain/
%
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole...[NSFW]

I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.  I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat" I thought to myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdhtm/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_holensfw/
%
I know a guy who owns an electrics and wiring company. He swears by employing only Germans and sending about a dozen of them to each contract....

He reckons that many Hans make lights work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdejy/i_know_a_guy_who_owns_an_electrics_and_wiring/
%
I was watching porn when an ad popped up.

It said, "Want a bigger penis??"
I thought, "Yes. That's why I'm watching porn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xddnr/i_was_watching_porn_when_an_ad_popped_up/
%
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time.

And a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdcqt/a_young_artist_exhibits_his_work_for_the_first/
%
My wife felt guilty

I found her using a vibrator. She said she was denying me my pleasure. She's using the batteries from the remote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdac4/my_wife_felt_guilty/
%
Best Salesman Ever!

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day. This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$124,548.88".
The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xd9xm/best_salesman_ever/
%
I used to be able to stop cars with mind

Getting hit by one took that away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xd9ij/i_used_to_be_able_to_stop_cars_with_mind/
%
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter...

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight." the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for our brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He cant do either one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xd9en/two_young_boys_walked_into_a_pharmacy_one_day/
%
A policeman stopped me and said I was exceeding 60.

Fucking idiot, I'm 23.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xd6zg/a_policeman_stopped_me_and_said_i_was_exceeding_60/
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Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From a well, actually...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xd5fl/where_does_a_mansplainer_get_his_water/
%
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?" -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xd4ml/mother_superior_tells_two_new_nuns_that_they_have/
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My friend lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that he heard that made sense in English.

Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China.
The governor: Fine people...I don't know.
Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?
Farmer: I'm a farmer.
Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?
Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced.
Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course.
Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government.
Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask.
Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?
Farmer: I *actually have* two cows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xd1pa/my_friend_lived_in_china_for_a_long_time_this_was/
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I never misused the word ironic, ironic right?

it's a bit of a paradox. THINK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xcy81/i_never_misused_the_word_ironic_ironic_right/
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Burglars are getting very clever these days

Last night, my wife woke me up
Darling...! Darling...! There's a burglar downstairs...!!!
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xcwax/burglars_are_getting_very_clever_these_days/
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?" -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xcvs5/on_their_way_to_get_married_a_young_catholic/
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I just smashed into a Smart Car...

It's totalled. But at least my bike is fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xcrps/i_just_smashed_into_a_smart_car/
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I hope that someday we can live in a world without plagiarism.

You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xcr63/i_hope_that_someday_we_can_live_in_a_world/
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Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population

#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xcnnh/australia_is_doing_phenomenally_on_the_olympic/
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I googled 'missing medieval servant boy'

404 Paige not found

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xcloe/i_googled_missing_medieval_servant_boy/
%
What do you call the sweat on you while you're having sex with your wife's sister?

Relative humidity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xcgus/what_do_you_call_the_sweat_on_you_while_youre/
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A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off...

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency Room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xcdrt/a_blonde_hurried_into_the_emergency_room_late_one/
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Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“
Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”
Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep.”
Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xcc8j/father_buys_a_lie_detector_that_makes_a_loud_beep/
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Someone called me immature today.

Guess who isn't allowed in my tree house?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xcapy/someone_called_me_immature_today/
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Marriage counselor to new patients: Before discussing a couples differences, I first like to hear what they have in common.

Husband: Fine. We both hate to suck cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xcacz/marriage_counselor_to_new_patients_before/
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Ever read Hitler's 2nd book?

It was called Mein Bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xc88h/ever_read_hitlers_2nd_book/
%
The power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed...

But, somehow the message never sank in. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xc818/the_power_mower_was_broken_and_wouldnt_run_a_lady/
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Did you know the Mods on this sub are actually cows? Evidence listed below.

[remooved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xc4vu/did_you_know_the_mods_on_this_sub_are_actually/
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What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.... Let the down-votes ensue :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xc4gg/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
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Funny Comeback

Teacher: where is your homework?
Kid: at home.
Teacher: why is it at home?
Kid: it's called HOME work for a reason.
Teacher: are you being smart with me!
Kid: this IS school isn't it? Aren't you supposed to be smart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xc31p/funny_comeback/
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A genie and an idiot

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xc0zv/a_genie_and_an_idiot/
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Little Johnny told his parent "I'm a grown up now, I am ready to live by myself"

His parent, being very proud of their son, said "Well that's great! We have no reason to stop you"
To which he replied "Awesome! Your luggage is at the front door"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xbz9w/little_johnny_told_his_parent_im_a_grown_up_now_i/
%
I went to an art contest recently...

It ended in a draw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xby5t/i_went_to_an_art_contest_recently/
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Three vampires are bragging to each other...

The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? Sucked him dry."
The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck and cheeks. She points and says "You see that town? Bone dry, no survivors."
The third shrugs and says "That's nothing, watch this." He's barely gone a fraction of a second before he's back with a face completely covered in blood. The first vampire asks "What did you do?" The third vampire replied "You see that pole?"
"Yeah?"
"I didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xbwcs/three_vampires_are_bragging_to_each_other/
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TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xbp58/til_that_they_have_raised_the_minimum_drinking/
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So an illiterate man signs a deal with the devil.

The devil appeared to the man one day and said "If you are willing to give me a soul, I will grant you all of your heart's desires, but you will have to deliver your soul to me on your final day, I will tell you when it comes"
The man, without a second thought, agreed to this.
20 years later, the man had lived a life of wealth, women and booze.
He was out walking home from a bar when the devil reappeared in front of him.
"Time's up, your soul, now, as per our deal"
The man looked at him blankly and said "alright"
He pulls out a sharp blade, bends over and reaches toward his shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xbo74/so_an_illiterate_man_signs_a_deal_with_the_devil/
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[NSFW] A man is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.

The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.
"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to the cemetery every night at 9 to pray, and if he dresses up and convinces her he's God, she might have sex with him.
That night at 9, the man is in the cemetery hiding behind a gravestone. When the nun approaches in the darkness he jumps out and says "Sister, I am God and I command you to have sex with me." She replies "Well I mustn't deny God. However I want to remain a virgin so I will only take it up the ass."
The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.
After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise, I'm the guy on the bus"
With that the nun turns around and says
"Surprise, I'm the bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xbkdd/nsfw_a_man_is_riding_the_bus_when_at_a_stop_the/
%
I gave two pints of blood at the hospital.

You would think they'd appreciate it but they just started asking me questions like...
Who's blood is this, and how did you get it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xbjci/i_gave_two_pints_of_blood_at_the_hospital/
%
I was throwing darts at wife’s photo on dart board

and not even a single one hitting the target.
Wife entered, saw and asked, “Honey! What are you doing?”
Husband: “Missing you.”
And that’s when the fight started…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xbiz4/i_was_throwing_darts_at_wifes_photo_on_dart_board/
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Any salad is a caesar salad if you stab it enough.

Repost from r/showerthoughts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xbday/any_salad_is_a_caesar_salad_if_you_stab_it_enough/
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Roses are red, Violets are blue

Gorilla shot at Cincinnati zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xbcak/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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What do you call a 3 legged cow named Summer in the winter?

Summer...Her name's summer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xbc53/what_do_you_call_a_3_legged_cow_named_summer_in/
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What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government?

Only one of them is organized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xbabb/whats_the_difference_between_the_mafia_and_the/
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A nun walks in to a liquor store

(this is the best joke my drunk dad ever told me)
A nun walks in to a liquor store while dressed in her habit and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels. When she gets to the counter, the clerk looked a little more than surprised. She told him, "don't worry, it's medicinal. It's for Mother Superior's constipation". He finishes the transaction and sends her on her way. When the clerk was taking out the garbage at the end of the night, he spied the same nun behind the dumpster. The nun was drunk as a skunk, and the bottle was empty. He said to her, "I thought you told me that was for Mother Superior's constipation". She replied, "it is! When she sees me, she's gonna shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xb9xv/a_nun_walks_in_to_a_liquor_store/
%
On the bright side, this is gonna be the most environmentally friendly olympics...

On the bright side, this is gonna be the most environmentally friendly olympics, even the pools are going green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xb9wg/on_the_bright_side_this_is_gonna_be_the_most/
%
Once, in an African village,

a native man walked up to a missionary with a look of fury on his face. "My wife gave birth today," the native growled, "and the baby is white! And you're the only white person within 100 miles of here! "
The missionary glanced around guiltily for a moment but quickly regained his composure. "Look at those goats over there," the missionary said, pointing at the village's livestock. "All of them are white, except for that black one over there. Sometimes nature works in mysterious ways. "
The native's eyes widened, and he nodded at the missionary. "I understand, sir. I'll stop talking about the white baby..." and here his voice dropped to a whisper. "... And you stop talking about the black goat. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xb719/once_in_an_african_village/
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Why are gay men so well dressed?

~~7~~
They didn't spend all that time in the *closet* doing nothing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xb6r9/why_are_gay_men_so_well_dressed/
%
What's the difference between my girlfriend and a cow?

Cows are real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xb38a/whats_the_difference_between_my_girlfriend_and_a/
%
A Priest and a Rabbi

Are walking down a street. They see a 13 yr old boy walking towards them
The Priest says "Let's take him down this alley and screw him"
The Rabbi says "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xayxm/a_priest_and_a_rabbi/
%
My girlfriend wanted a nose job for her birthday.

It took me a while, but I got her off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xaxhl/my_girlfriend_wanted_a_nose_job_for_her_birthday/
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LPT: When Reddit is down it is a perfect time to do something away from your computer, like for example crying in a corner

Well Reddit was down and I had to do something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xav09/lpt_when_reddit_is_down_it_is_a_perfect_time_to/
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Little Johnny

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johnny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xauzt/little_johnny/
%
Organs

All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge:
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."
"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."
All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xatpa/organs/
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How does a yoga instructor turn down an invite?

Namaste home tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xatju/how_does_a_yoga_instructor_turn_down_an_invite/
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A Man and a Genie

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xarn7/a_man_and_a_genie/
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What's the difference between a toilet and a drummer?

A toilet only has to deal with shit from one asshole at a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xardu/whats_the_difference_between_a_toilet_and_a/
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I haven’t had a server go down on me that long

since New Year at Hooters.
Edit for explanation: https://techcrunch.com/2016/08/11/reddit-is-currently-experiencing-a-major-outage/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xapoa/i_havent_had_a_server_go_down_on_me_that_long/
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Why do dogs hate outer space?

Because they strongly dislike vacuums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xaobf/why_do_dogs_hate_outer_space/
%
Why do prison guards use Proactive all the time?

So they can prevent breakouts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xao5t/why_do_prison_guards_use_proactive_all_the_time/
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A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey! We have a drink named after you!"

And the grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xajrk/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar_and_the_bartender/
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I'm Hungary

I'm Russian to the kitchen to czech the fridge
There is turkey
But it's covered in Greece
There's Norway I can eat that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xagkj/im_hungary/
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About what time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

Tennish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xaft1/about_what_time_does_sean_connery_go_to_wimbledon/
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Two guys walk into a bar...

Two guys walk into a bar.  The third guy ducks.
(Dad Joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xafng/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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What did the pregnant orange see after 9 months?

The fruits of her labor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xaeka/what_did_the_pregnant_orange_see_after_9_months/
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I tend to sleep in the nude.

Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xaef5/i_tend_to_sleep_in_the_nude/
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Donald Trump is a presidential candidate I can relate to

Both of us have fantasies with Trump's daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xa974/donald_trump_is_a_presidential_candidate_i_can/
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Ukrainian underpants

Why should you never wear Ukrainian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fall out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xa8ly/ukrainian_underpants/
%
a great joke I was told by a watersports instructor in france

This guy has loved tractors all his life and devoted his life to them. He loves tractors so much that on his 18th birthday he buys himself a tractor and drives it around everyday working on a farm. Then on his 19th birthday his parents buy him a tractor birthday cake and he says to his parents "why did you buy me this? I hate tractors now ever since I hurt my leg falling off one yesterday"
So he quit his job on the farm and on the way home he saw a burning house that was so full of smoke the firefighters couldn't Save the child trapped inside. Then the man opened the letterbox put his mouth up to it and sucked out all of the smoke and blew it out onto the street then saved the child. The firefighters where stunned and asked him how he did it, he replied "don't you know, I'm an extractor fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xa4s2/a_great_joke_i_was_told_by_a_watersports/
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What do 9 out of 10 people consider a good time?

Gang rape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xa3y9/what_do_9_out_of_10_people_consider_a_good_time/
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I was addicted to freezing poultry.

I had to go cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xa2ja/i_was_addicted_to_freezing_poultry/
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What would Martin Luther King Jr. be if he was white?

Alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xa0b0/what_would_martin_luther_king_jr_be_if_he_was/
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A redneck decides to go hunting. After a full day of hunting, he didn't kill anything to he decided to pack up and go home when all of a sudden, he sees a bear and decides to shoot it. He fires one shot, but misses.

The bear comes up to him and says, "You just tried to kill me!"
The redneck says, "no my gun went off by itself!"
The bear does not believe him and says,
"Now I'm gonna fuck you in the ass."
So after the bear is done with the redneck, the redneck says, "fuckin bear, I'm gonna kill you." and fires again. But he misses for a second time.
The bear comes up to him and says, " You just tried to kill me again!"
And the redneck says "no, I dropped my gun and it went off again".
The bear doesn't believe him and says, " I'm gonna make you suck my dick."
So after the bear is done with him he leaves, and the redneck is real mad and fires a third time. But again he misses. So the bear comes up to him and says,
" You didn't come here to hunt, did you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x9zmy/a_redneck_decides_to_go_hunting_after_a_full_day/
%
At first I didn't like my beard..

But now it's starting to grow on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x9zk5/at_first_i_didnt_like_my_beard/
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The problem with political jokes is..

Too many get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x9yqv/the_problem_with_political_jokes_is/
%
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x9ynb/why_cant_you_hear_a_psychiatrist_using_the/
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Woman delivers baby.

Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x9svi/woman_delivers_baby/
%
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."
He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife,
"I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my pants. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x9sh3/the_big_game_hunter_walked_in_the_bar_and_bragged/
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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x9k12/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
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What do straight woman and gay men have in common?

They'd rather fuck an asshole than a pussy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x96np/what_do_straight_woman_and_gay_men_have_in_common/
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Three Men Are Talking About Aging

A sixty year old, a seventy year old, and an eighty year old man are sitting on a  porch discussing the different stages of aging.
"When I wake up in the morning it now takes me 30 minutes to be able to take a piss!" complained the sixty year old.
"That's nothing," responded the seventy year old, "I wake up every morning at 6am sharp, but sit on the toilet unable to take a shit until 8."
"Hm." chimed in the eighty year old, "I take a piss right at 6:30, and a shit right at 7 every single morning."
"That sounds perfect," responded the other two men, "Being eighty sounds easy!"
"Well, I dunno about that, gents. I don't wake up until 8."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x96gp/three_men_are_talking_about_aging/
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My Utahn grandpa's favorite joke: why should you always bring two Mormons with you when you go fishing?

Because if you only bring one, he'll drink all your beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x956w/my_utahn_grandpas_favorite_joke_why_should_you/
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Putin and Medvedeev talking

- We need to change these time zones, they are giving me a big headache, says Putin
-Why? asks Medvedeev
-I'm calling Beijing to give my congrats for their national holiday and they tell me it's tomorrow. I call Warsaw to express my condolences for the airplane crash in Smolensk and they tell me the plane didn't take off yet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8xhp/putin_and_medvedeev_talking/
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When does a joke become a Dad Joke?

When it leaves you and doesn't come back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8uii/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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This guy named Napoleon asked me to join his army. I said yes.

I was just happy to be aparte of things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8u3l/this_guy_named_napoleon_asked_me_to_join_his_army/
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The Trump Tower incident proves that..

..the only way to climb up a corporate ladder is by sucking up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8u1q/the_trump_tower_incident_proves_that/
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A gypsy kid comes home from school and asks his father...

'Dad, am I "outstanding" in reading 'cause I'm a gypsy?'
'No, son. That's 'cause you can read well.'
The next day, the gypsy kid comes home and asks:
'Dad, am I "outstanding" in grammar 'cause I'm a gypsy?'
'No, son. That's 'cause you're good at grammar.'
The next day, the gypsy kid comes home and asks:
'Dad! The fact my dick is 8 inches long and my classmates' is only 4 inches long... is that 'cause I'm a gypsy?'
'No, son. That's 'cause your classmates are 9, and you're 25.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8qsh/a_gypsy_kid_comes_home_from_school_and_asks_his/
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Elvira

My wife used to own this donkey. Her name was Elvira. The donkey I mean, not my wife. She started putting on some weight as she got older - again, the donkey, not my wife.
One day a pair of "little people" moved in next door. They were twin brothers, and for some reason their parents named them both Gene. It was really confusing, but they were good folks.
A few weeks after moving in, the two guys asked if they could come over and ride Elvira. I didn't see any reason why not, so they clambered up on her, both at the same time, and my wife and I walked her around the yard with them.
Because they were so small, it was no problem at all for Elvira to carry the two of them. The only odd side effect was, because of their abnormally small size, Elvira looked even bigger than usual. It was honestly kind of comical.
My wife turned and looked me dead in the eyes.
"Honey....do these Genes make my ass look fat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8neg/elvira/
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My friend from Hollywood always told me, "Shoot for the stars."

He was an assassin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8n56/my_friend_from_hollywood_always_told_me_shoot_for/
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Team Rocket Were Caught Performing a Lewd Sex Act...

Ass to Meowth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8lnu/team_rocket_were_caught_performing_a_lewd_sex_act/
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An elderly lady is walking on the street

She's carrying a bag in each hand. One of the bags has a hole in it and with every step she takes, a $20 bank note falls out. A policeman notices and stops the lady.
'Dear lady, there's money falling out from your bag!'
'Oh, dear Lord! Thank you for telling me, my love. I'll turn around and check whether I can find a few stray bank notes...'
'But where is the money from?' asks the policeman. 'Did you perhaps... steal it?'
'Oh no, silly! There's a stadium in front of my house and the drunk supporters always come to pee on my fence. When they get to the bushes and start peeing, I jump out with a pair of scissors and say: "Pay $20 or I'll cut it off!". So that's how I got the money.'
'Ingenious!' laughs the policeman. 'And so what's in your other bag?'
'Well, not everyone pays...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8led/an_elderly_lady_is_walking_on_the_street/
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Just a bit about my past

Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Jews or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Christian friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Christians and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8kxp/just_a_bit_about_my_past/
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I read a story by a pregnant woman on reddit

She was having trouble with her pregnancy, and she said she would post an update after it was over.
OP delivered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8jhq/i_read_a_story_by_a_pregnant_woman_on_reddit/
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Once upon a time...

...there lived a great ruler in India, Emperor Akbar. This great emperor had the most beautiful wife in all the realms.
At the palace, there lived a certain Ahmed who was a low-ranking official. He took a liking to the queen, and his greatest desire was to kiss the queen's gorgeous breasts.
Once, he told Birbal, the emperor's minister about this secret desire. He also told him he'd do anything to touch the queen's breasts with his mouth. Birbal, who was a very cunning man, said the following:
'Look Ahmed, this isn't a small thing you're asking from me, but I'll help you! Obviously, it'll cost you some money. If you give me 500 gold pieces though, I'll arrange the whole thing and you'll be able to kiss the queen's breasts for three whole hours... without any consequences you should worry about!'
Ahmed was extremely happy about this. They agree that after the deed is done, Ahmed will pay Birbal 500 gold pieces. The next day, Birbal secretly put a special susbtance on the queen's bra that caused serious itching. The emperor then gathered his doctors (who had been bribed by Birbal beforehand) so they could establish the cause of the itching. After some time, the doctors gave their diagnosis to the emperor:
'This is a very dangerous disease that spreads at a horrendous speed! There's only one cure: a specific kind of human saliva. Unfortunately, there's only a single man whose saliva is suitable for the treatment in the whole of India: your humble servant and subject, Ahmed.'
The emperor immediatly summoned Ahmed and commanded him to heal the queen's breasts with his saliva. And thus it came to pass that Ahmed could fervently lick and suck and kiss the queen's breasts for three whole hours. After that time passed, he left the royals' presence with an otherwordly smile.
The next morning, Birbal came to his room to ask for his rightful payment. However, Ahmed announced that he wasn't really serious about those 500 gold coins, and that he didn't have that much money anyways.
But that was without counting with Birbal's revenge. The next day, Birbal smuggled that special substance into the emperor's underwear... and soon, Emperor Akbar summoned Ahmed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8hyv/once_upon_a_time/
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You can freeze a human to -273.15 C

He'd be 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8hhh/you_can_freeze_a_human_to_27315_c/
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I feel really bad for the Mexican Olympian disqualified from weightlifting for excessive use of protein.

They told him, "No whey, José."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8g2q/i_feel_really_bad_for_the_mexican_olympian/
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Did you hear about the HVAC technicians who got into an argument?

At first it was heated, but they got some fresh air then things cooled off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8f9l/did_you_hear_about_the_hvac_technicians_who_got/
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Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8f03/why_cant_helen_keller_drive/
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Why didn't the life guard save the hippy?

Because he was too far out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8emm/why_didnt_the_life_guard_save_the_hippy/
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An old Jewish man dies.

His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.
He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "Solomon dead, wheelchair for sale".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8egb/an_old_jewish_man_dies/
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Two neighbours are talking

Man 1: 'Neighbour! When is your birthday?'
Man 2: 'Why do you ask?'
Man 1: 'I'd like to give you a gift: some beautiful curtains for your windows, so I don't have to see those filthy things you do naked with your wife anymore.'
Man 2: 'Ah. And when is your birthday?'
Man 1: 'Why do you ask, neighbour?'
Man 2: 'I'd also like to give you a gift: some glasses so you can see whose wife it is I'm doing those filthy things with...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8d8t/two_neighbours_are_talking/
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A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again." -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8d1k/a_bus_full_of_ugly_people_had_a_head_on_collision/
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Mrs. Smith walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy poison

'Dear lady, why would you want to buy poison?' asks the pharmacist.
'To kill my husband!'
'I can't sell you poison so you can kill someone!'
As an answer to that, Mrs. Smith puts a picture on the counter where one can clearly see a man and a woman in bed. The man in question is Mrs. Smith's husband, while the woman is the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist picks up the picture and nods:
'Excuse my mistake, I didn't know you had a prescription.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8c84/mrs_smith_walks_into_a_pharmacy_and_asks_to_buy/
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Girls' Night Out

Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says
"No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties."
"You think you have it bad?" says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8apm/girls_night_out/
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Benny the Bare Faced Viking

Benny was your typical Viking..
Strong, tall, courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one..
See Benny couldn't grow a beard, for all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.
This bothered Benny, because when he was out pillaging, nobody took him serious.. Who is scared of a baby faced warrior that looks like he's 16?
The final straw for Benny just happened at the last raid his opponent laughed at him and asked the Vikings to send him a man instead of a boy.
Well Benny might have slain that warrior for his crass comment, but his confidence was beginning to fade. So that night, during the rioting, looting and pillaging, Benny got very, very drunk on mead and wandered out into a field.
"ODIN!" he yelled - "Why have you forsaken me? I've been a loyal follower, I've fought in many battles in your name.. Why have you cursed me with this face?"
It may have been a trick of the light or the many horns of mead Benny had drunk, but Benny was surprised to hear an answer back..
"Benny! I have not forsaken you, why do you say such things?"
"Odin, how can I be a feared warrior when I cannot grow a beard? My opponents laugh at me and call me a child! I just wish to grow a beard like yours, one such that all will know me to be a man!"
"Very well" Odin replied "as you've been a good Viking, I will help you grow your beard... BUT!!!!  If you ever cut or shave, I will turn you into an urn!"
"Odin, I would never do that" Benny replied "All I've wanted my life is to serve you and look like a man!"
"So be it" Odin "but you have been warned.."
Benny passed out into a drunken sleep to awake the next morning..
When he awoke, he thought it all a dream.. until he rubbed his face and where once was smooth skin like a babies bottom was now.. Stubble?
"Yes Odin! Thank you! I will not forget our deal!"
By the end of the day, Benny had a respectable shadow on his face..
At the end of the week, Benny's beard had come in..
At the end of two weeks, Benny's beard had continued to grow and was now down to his chest..
His life was good, he had the respect of his fellow Vikings, his opponents feared him, and Benny had never been happier..
However, his beard continued to grow at an astonishing rate..
At the end of the third week, it had grown to his waist.
His fellow Vikings were muttering about black magic behind his back..
At the end of the month, it was down to his knees, and in order to go into battle, he had to tie it around himself like a belt.
At the end of two months, he could no longer move without the assistance of a wheel barrow to carry his beard in front of him, he could not go into battle, and he his fellow Vikings were sure he was cursed..
Benny was despondent. He began to think to himself about how busy Odin must be.. How Odin couldn't possibly remember the agreement they had.. How Odin must have forgotten him, for how else would his beard have continued to grow so much..
Benny couldn't take it anymore.. He took his belt knife, grabbed his long beard and just as soon as his blade parted the first hair on his face...
**POOF!** Benny was turned into an urn..
The moral of this story is: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x88xh/benny_the_bare_faced_viking/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x880z/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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My wife told me to stop my obsession of singing 'Wonderwall'

I said maybe....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x86m1/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_my_obsession_of_singing/
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Why do ballet dancers always stand on their toes?

Could they not hire taller dancers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x8341/why_do_ballet_dancers_always_stand_on_their_toes/
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What is a hooker in Alaska called?

A frostitute!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x821f/what_is_a_hooker_in_alaska_called/
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What do a cell phone and anal bleach have in common?

They both change your ring tone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7ywp/what_do_a_cell_phone_and_anal_bleach_have_in/
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/u/username goes to the grocery store....

username checks out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7yra/uusername_goes_to_the_grocery_store/
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How to ruin a movie with one word...

**Batman Begins** College
**The Longest Yard** Sale
**Charlotte's Web** Cam
Add your own in the comments!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7w7o/how_to_ruin_a_movie_with_one_word/
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A physicist recently won a Nobel Prize...

Over the course of the next few weeks he is welcomed to many ceremonies and events as a guest speaker.
On the way to the next event at Caltech University, he rehearses his speech again. During a pause, his driver says "You know I've heard your speech so many times I pretty much can recite it word for word."
"Can you really?" the physicist remarks, and challenges the driver to see whether he can deliver the speech at the University. The driver accepts this challenge; they stop to change clothes and switch seats.
They are graciously welcomed into the lecture theatre and the physicist sits near the front. Nobody suspects a thing while the driver stands confidently on stage and delivers the speech flawlessly and charismatically.
After a cheerful applause, the floor is opened up for questions and answers. Normally no questions are asked, but a somewhat arrogant young man grills the driver and asks him a tricky physics question.
The driver simply laughs and shouts, "Young man, that question is ridiculously too easy, I'll even let my driver here in the front answer that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7vh3/a_physicist_recently_won_a_nobel_prize/
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Two pirates, Morty and sol are at a bar

Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”
Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7vac/two_pirates_morty_and_sol_are_at_a_bar/
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Bill Clinton is on a plane when, suddenly, the engines fail.

Jeffrey Epstein and Bill put on parachutes and head for the door.
The copilot says, "What about the children?"
"Fuck the children," Epstein says.
Bill looks over his shoulder and laughs, then says, "We already did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7s8z/bill_clinton_is_on_a_plane_when_suddenly_the/
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Two whales are swimming in the ocean.

A Father and a Son.
The Son turns to his father and ask "Dad where did I come from?"
Dad replies "My penis Son"
Son says "Oh.. Thanks Dad"
Dad says "You're whale cum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7r5t/two_whales_are_swimming_in_the_ocean/
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It's 1972, the Soviet and the Hungarian argue...

...about strength. They can't agree, because the Hungarian claims a bull is the more powerful, whereas the Soviet claims it's the tank. They decide to set up a confrontation between a bull and a tank to see who's right.
And they do so. Right before the duel, however, the Hungarian walks up to the bull and whispers something in its ears. After that, the duel begins. The bull destroys the tank within minutes. The Soviet cannot believe his eyes:
'This is impossible! If I hadn't seen this with my own eyes, I never would've believed it. But tell me, what did you whisper to the bull before the fight?'
'Oh, all I told him was that these were the guys who took away the cows in '45.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7r4l/its_1972_the_soviet_and_the_hungarian_argue/
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Two parrots were sitting on a perch...

One turns to the other and says, "Can you smell fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7qu5/two_parrots_were_sitting_on_a_perch/
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what's the difference between you and an egg?

eggs get laid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7pr7/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_an_egg/
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The German, the gypsy and the Romanian are on a plane

Suddenly, the German throws a silver spoon out the window. The others ask him why he did that, to which the German replies:
'Where I come from, that's what we have the most of.'
After that, the gypsy throws a gold spoon out the window. The others asks him why he did that, to which he replies:
'Where I come from, that's what we have the most of.'
Soon after, the Romanian suddenly throws the gypsy out the window and shouts:
'And where I come from, that's what we have the most of!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7ppu/the_german_the_gypsy_and_the_romanian_are_on_a/
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One day, the wife welcomes her lover...

...but before they start their adulterous activites, the wife says:
'Honey! Let's put a blanket on the parrot's cage, because last time he almost busted us!'
So they put a blanket on the parrot's cage. However, before they start, the lover comes up with a new idea:
'Honey! I just invented a new position! You'll go on all fours, I'll jump up on the chandelier, swing in, and I'll penetrate with a deep thrust from behind!'
To which they hear the parrot's voice:
'You can cut out my tongue for all I care, but I wanna see **that**!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7oki/one_day_the_wife_welcomes_her_lover/
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Joke from my cousin

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Her: To get to the ugly guy's house.
Me:???
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: It's the chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7nlr/joke_from_my_cousin/
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A man confesses his sins to a priest

'Father, I'm a sinner. The other day, I went to my wife's office. There was no one around except her colleague, and I took her and raped her right on the spot.'
'Well, that wasn't very nice,' says the priest gingerly. 'What else did you do?'
'Last week I visited my wife's sister. There was no one around except her, and I took her and raped her right on the spot.'
'Oh son, that is indeed a great sin,' says the priest.
'That's all nothing, Father,' continues the man. 'The other day, my mother-in-law visited me. I was all alone at home, so I took her and raped her right on the spot as well!'
There's no answer from the other half of the confession booth. The man waits for a while, calls the priest, but he gets no reply. Finally, he opens the door of the priest's booth and sees the cleric hiding under the seat, trembling with fear.
'Father, what on earth are you doing?' asks the man.
To which the priest replies:
'Son, I just remembered... there's no one in the church except you and me...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7n5i/a_man_confesses_his_sins_to_a_priest/
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What do you call an angry psychiatrist?

Therapissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7mcd/what_do_you_call_an_angry_psychiatrist/
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"Mom! I'm going out!"

- You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt
- Why not?
- Because I can see your balls, Richard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7ldw/mom_im_going_out/
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what do you call a jewish pokemon trainer

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7kmt/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
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I overheard two of my friends talking about me the other day...

I said "you disgust me"
"Yes, we did" they replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7k6r/i_overheard_two_of_my_friends_talking_about_me/
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Jesus is watching you!

A burglar breaks into a house in the middle of the night, turns on his flashlight and starts looking for money and valuables. Suddenly he hears a voice: "Jesus knows what you're doing!"
The burglar almost has a heart attack, turns off the flashlight and freezes, waiting, but nothing happens. He calms down, turns the flashlight back on and goes back to his job.
Suddenly, he hears the voice again: "Jesus is watching you!" He looks around frightened and the light falls on a cage with a parrot in it.
"Did you say something?" the man whispers.
"Yeah," the bird says, "I wanted to warn you that Jesus is watching you."
The burglar laughs. "To warn me? Who do you think you are?"
"I'm Moses," the parrot says.
"Moses?" the burglar says, "Who the hell names their parrot Moses?"
The bird answers: "Those who named their rottweiler Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7jt2/jesus_is_watching_you/
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Why is it so hard to get into a relationship with an SJW?

Because they have high double standards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7hnk/why_is_it_so_hard_to_get_into_a_relationship_with/
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Dogs that don't bark are the most dangerous of all

They're woofless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7gk7/dogs_that_dont_bark_are_the_most_dangerous_of_all/
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What do you call an Ethiopian squatting to take a shit?

A bragging son of of a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7gc5/what_do_you_call_an_ethiopian_squatting_to_take_a/
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Why don't Syrian Refugees play baseball?

because they don't know where home is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7dnp/why_dont_syrian_refugees_play_baseball/
%
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The man places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks, "What if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7a8g/a_man_enters_a_barbershop_for_a_shave/
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What's the difference between sex and a corporation?

In sex the person on top does most of the work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x79i0/whats_the_difference_between_sex_and_a_corporation/
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A blind man walks into a restaurant and asks for a used spoon.

The restaurant owner finds it odd but obliges. The man takes a lick and thinks for awhile, and declared "Hmm, lobster linguine in tomato and habanero sauce! I think I'll have one of those!" The restaurant owner was incredulous as that was one of the restaurant's best dishes, and serves him one.
The next day, the blind man came back and asked for another used spoon. When he takes a lick, he proclaims "Hmm, roast pork knuckle with Dijon mustard and blue cheese sauce! I'll have that!" The restaurant owner was impressed as that was the special of the day that he had never served before.
The following day, the blind man walks in and asks for another spoon. The owner wants to trick the blind man and asks his wife to rub a clean spoon onto her pussy. Although she is disgusted, she was finally coerced to do so. Sniggering, the owner passes the spoon to the blind man. The blind man took a lick, thinks awhile before shouting "Hey, I didn't know Ellie works here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x77bk/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_and_asks_for/
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What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x71z8/whats_better_than_winning_a_gold_medal_at_the/
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A man walks into a bank demanding small change

After a small wait, he walks up to the teller and says: "Hello, I would like some change please." To which the teller replies, "Sorry sir we don't deal in change any more all our money is virtual, if you want cash we recommend you go somewhere else, apologies for any inconveniences." The man, adamant to get some small change pleads, "PLEASE can I have some SMALL CHANGE." The teller, getting a little bit frustrated says again, "Sir we don't deal in change, sorry", to which the man replies, "Please can I have some change." The teller, infuriated, replies "SIR WE HAVE NO CHANGE! C-H-F-A-N-G-E!". The man, slightly bewildered replies, "There's no F in change?", to which the teller replies, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x71b6/a_man_walks_into_a_bank_demanding_small_change/
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A dude visits the fairy...

...hoping she could help him resolve his problem. Indeed, his dick was too big and he could never have sex 'cause every woman was too scared it would rip them appart.
'Oh, that's not my competence. Go visit the witch and ask her to marry you. Whenever she says "no", your dick will become 20% shorter.'
The dude goes to see the witch and proposes.
'Witch, will you marry me?'
'No,' she replies.
The guy's dick becomes shorther, but he thinks it's still very long, so he asks again:
'Witch, will you marry me?'
'I told you: no!'
Things are starting to look good, but it's still a bit too long, so the dude asks one last time:
'Witch, will you please marry me?'
To which the witch (haha) replies angrily:
'No, no, no and a thousand times no!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x70rk/a_dude_visits_the_fairy/
%
A man goes into a restaurant with an ostrich

They sit down and order:
'I'd like a hamburger, fries and a Coke,' says the man, then turns towards the ostrich. 'And you?'
'The same', says the ostrich.
A few minutes later, the waitress brings the food and the bill.
'$6.40,' she says.
The man takes out the exact amount from his pocket without even counting the money and hands it to the waitress.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, ask for the same food and the man pays with the exact amount. And the same routine takes place for the next couple of days. On a Friday night, the man and the ostrich turn up again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, today's Friday, I'd like a steak and some crushed potatoes,' says the man, then he turns towards the ostrich. 'And you?'
'The same,' replies the bird.
After a few minutes, the waitress comes back with the order and the bill.
'$32.50'
The man, yet again, takes out the exact amount of money without counting it. The waitress can't help herself at this point and asks:
'Excuse me sir, but please tell me... how come you always have the exact amount?'
'Years ago, I cleaned up my attic and found an old lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared. He promised me two wishes. My first wish was to have the exact amount of money in my pockets whenever I had to pay for something.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Others would've asked for a million dollars, but you'll stay rich till the end of your life.'
'Indeed,' nods the man. 'It doesn't matter whether I want to buy a bottle of beer or a Rolls Royce, the money will always be there when I need it.'
'Can I also ask why this ostrich is always with you?'
'Well, my second wish was to get a very tall chick with nice strong legs who agrees with everything I say...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x6z7m/a_man_goes_into_a_restaurant_with_an_ostrich/
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I wonder what drives a human to have sex with animals.

Probably their tractors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x6xsb/i_wonder_what_drives_a_human_to_have_sex_with/
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At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "sex" both appeared

A female student's composition:
'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical sex.'
A male student's composition:
'I love sex.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x6xj9/at_university_students_had_to_come_up_with_a/
%
I sat next to this attractive Thai girl on the train...

I kept thinking *don't get an erection*,*don't get an erection*, but she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x6tjg/i_sat_next_to_this_attractive_thai_girl_on_the/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dogg?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x6p8b/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop_dogg/
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What's the difference between a circus and a whore house?

One has a cunning array of stunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x6m6k/whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a_whore/
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A young boy walks in on his mother having sex with the pool boy...

The boy screams in horror as the pool boy pulls his shorts on and leaps out the window. Thinking quickly, the mother calls her son over to the bed to explain.
"It's very good that Raul was here! You see... there was an emergency and he was giving mommy CPR!"
The boy calms down, thinks about it for a moment, and nods. As he's leaving, he turns back with an innocent smile.
"Now you're even!" He chirps.
"What do you mean?" The mother asks.
"Well", the boy explains, "Last week I saw daddy was giving him the Heimlich Maneuver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x6jzm/a_young_boy_walks_in_on_his_mother_having_sex/
%
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father. "Who is that man going into the barn?"
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What!" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out...
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x6jks/have_you_ever_wondered_where_and_how_yodeling/
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What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run! She has a grenade in her mouth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x6hxf/what_do_you_do_when_a_blonde_throws_a_pin_at_you/
%
They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks...

But I didn't even try and mine's been playing dead for an hour!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x6hu5/they_say_you_cant_teach_an_old_dog_new_tricks/
%
A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant

when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x6f7h/a_married_couple_were_sitting_in_a_fine_restaurant/
%
An archaeologist was digging in the desert outside Jerusalem...

An archaeologist was digging in the desert outside Jerusalem, when he found a crude sarcophagus. On opening it, he discovered a mummy completely intact. On further investigation, he determined that he must have this mummy inspected by professionals, so he called a museum in Jerusalem and told the curator that he had just discovered a mummy that was about 3500 years old who surely died of a heart attack.
The curator was skeptical, but the remains were transferred to the museum and thoroughly inspected.
The archaeologist received a phone call from the curator and the curator wanted to thank him for the incredible mummy and really wanted to know how he accurately dated the remains and determined the cause of death so accurately without x-rays or any of the highly technical tools the museum has.
The archaeologist simply replied:
"Well, I noticed he had a piece of parchment in his hand. Being able to read the older languages, I saw that it said '10,000 shekels on Goliath'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x696z/an_archaeologist_was_digging_in_the_desert/
%
A man named Jimmy walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar and notices a couple lines of people standing at the other side of the bar.
Jimmy asks the bartender "what are those people standing over there for?"
The bartender replies, "oh, the owner has a nice system setup for people who can't pay their tabs. He really enjoys causing others pain, so if you stand in the first line you can get kicked by the owner and he lets you go free. In the second, the owner gets to twist your nipples as hard as he wants, but again, you get to go for free."
Jimmy responds "Wow, what an interesting system. You know what would make it a lot better?"
"What's that?" Asks the bartender
"If there was a punchline"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x67e7/a_man_named_jimmy_walks_into_a_bar/
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what was was the last thing that went through the fly's mind when he hit the windshield?

His butt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x67d6/what_was_was_the_last_thing_that_went_through_the/
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A teacher sent out an announcement that her class will have a day off tomorrow.

One of her students comes home to tell his grandfather. *I don't have to go to school tomorrow, can you take me to the park?* He agrees.
He immediately calls his secretary at work. *Something came up so probably we can't meet up at the hotel tomorrow, let's do it some other time?* She agrees.
The secretary texts her husband. *Hey honey, I don't have to go to that conference out of state anymore. Wanna stay in and do something tomorrow?* He agrees.
Her husband then gives the teacher a voicemail: *Man, my bitch ass wife is staying home tomorrow. Don't come over!*
Disappointed, the teacher retracts her announcement and requires her students to come to class again tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x64sk/a_teacher_sent_out_an_announcement_that_her_class/
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Why did the librarian hush the mime?

Because actions speak louder than words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x63fv/why_did_the_librarian_hush_the_mime/
%
Three blondes are walking through the woods

shortly into their walk, they find tracks on the ground.
"Look at the size of these rabbit tracks!" Said the first blonde.
"You moron, those are raccoon tracks." Said the second blonde.
"You two are so stupid, these are obviously coyote tracks!" Said the third blonde.
Two minutes later, they were all run over by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x639d/three_blondes_are_walking_through_the_woods/
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A English businessman was rushing through an airport when

all of a sudden, he bumps into a tiny Asian women.
She immediately says, "I'm sorry!"
In a hurry, the businessman says, "I'm sorry too."
She responds with, "I'm sorry three!"
Confused, the businessman stops and says, "What are you sorry for?"
She yells, "I'm sorry five!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x60gm/a_english_businessman_was_rushing_through_an/
%
If you played pokemon in Brazil,

you might catch a Zikachu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5z5y/if_you_played_pokemon_in_brazil/
%
Studies show people who carry tactical knives with flashlights are less confident guessers.

They never take a stab in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5vdw/studies_show_people_who_carry_tactical_knives/
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A king suspects that his queen has

....been fucking around with his 7 ministers. So, one night after sex, he inserts a small blade in her vagina in such a way that even she wouldn't know of its presence. One week elapses. During their administrative session in the Grand Hall, he asks the first minister to show his penis. Just as he suspected, there is a cut on his penis. Furious, he orders his men to chop off the minister's head right there. He then checks the next minister's penis. The same finding and beheading occurs. The pattern repeats for the next 3 ministers as well. He then checks the penis of his last minister. There is NO cut. The king was relieved that at least one of his ministers wasn't fucking his queen. Delighted, he confers various gifts to him and gives him a small city as gift, to which the minister responds gratefully, "Flank you my king, flank you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5ty5/a_king_suspects_that_his_queen_has/
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I have a pen pal in North Korea

I asked him what's it like there.
"I can't complain" he wrote back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5sxx/i_have_a_pen_pal_in_north_korea/
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I like to put grilled chicken in my egg and cheese stuffed breakfast burrito...

Nothing warms my heart and stomach more than reuniting a mother and child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5s1e/i_like_to_put_grilled_chicken_in_my_egg_and/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch

The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air"
The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest"
*Poof!* the brunette disappears.
The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest"
*Poof!* the redhead disappears.
The blonde says, "I think..." *Poof!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5qg0/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_captured_by/
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Did you hear that Fergie and R. Kelly are collaborating on a new album?

They are calling their group the Black Guy Pees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5pgu/did_you_hear_that_fergie_and_r_kelly_are/
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If I had $1 for every time somebody called me a racist...

black people would rob me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5mg3/if_i_had_1_for_every_time_somebody_called_me_a/
%
So a moth goes into a podiatrists office.

Come in," says the podiatrist, "What's the problem?"
The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says "What's the problem? I don't even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I'm too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I've gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we've ever had to face in this region. Isn't it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn't that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there's my son. Doc, I don't love him anymore. I don't know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn't such a coward, Doc, I know I'd be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I'd be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I'm judgemental yet I care about nothing. I'm bitter, hateful and afraid. I'm alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease."
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says "Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I'm a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why'd you come in here?"
The moth says,"Your light was on."
Norm Macdonald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5ljd/so_a_moth_goes_into_a_podiatrists_office/
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German Girlfriend

My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5kl7/german_girlfriend/
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New Lawyer

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it " ...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"
"I'm from the phone company," Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5k99/new_lawyer/
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Smartenin' pills

This little kid Jimmy was frustrated, because every day as he walked to school with his lunch, the big bully Buster would stop him and ask him what he had for lunch.  Then he would take the lunch and eat it!
So one day Jimmy decided he had enough, he had to do something about this.  Now his Aunt Matilda had a little organic farm in her back yard, and grew rabbits.  So Jimmy had a bright idea.  He went to Aunt Matilda's and scooped up about 1/2 pound of rabbit turds - those little black-brown pellets that look like overgrown TicTacs but not shiny.  Next day, he took a sandwich baggie, filled it up with those nice little pellets, and started off to school.
Sure enough, like usual, Buster stopped him on the street and asked him, "Whatcha got in your lunch today!?"
Jimmy replied, "Smartenin' Pills!  Wanna try some?"
"What are Smartenin' Pills?" asked Buster.
Jimmy said, "When you eat them they make you smarter, real fast!"
"I need to get smarter more'n you.  Gimme the bag!" Buster barked, as he grabbed the bag from Jimmy, opened it up and grabbed a bunch of turds from the bag.  He tossed them in his mouth and started to chew.  "What the ...! These taste like shit!"
"See, you're gettin' smarter already!" Jimmy volunteered, as he began to run to school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5j9l/smartenin_pills/
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Flying Artificial Penis

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.
When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield of their car.
The little girl asks "Mommy, what was that?"
The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers "It was just a bug, honey."
The little girl sits quietly for a while, before exclaiming "It sure had a big dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5j8v/flying_artificial_penis/
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Best place to hide something nobody will see?

Page two of Google

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5idn/best_place_to_hide_something_nobody_will_see/
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[NSFW] A very offensive joke I found that gets worse the more you read, Enjoy ^_^

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?
And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo-and-behold, I'm positive.
This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"
"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x5esn/nsfw_a_very_offensive_joke_i_found_that_gets/
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What’s the difference between Trump and a stripper?

Strippers climb polls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x58lj/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_a_stripper/
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Do you have cotton balls?

"Yes"
"Do they tickle when you walk?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x55th/do_you_have_cotton_balls/
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Heroin really messed up my household...

All the spoons are missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x53ur/heroin_really_messed_up_my_household/
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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office

Just know that I will find you. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x53uc/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office/
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Peter Pan and the Lost Boys are actually the souls of aborted kids

That explains Captain Hook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x50sl/peter_pan_and_the_lost_boys_are_actually_the/
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Why did Richard leave his home this morning?

For Harambe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x50kg/why_did_richard_leave_his_home_this_morning/
%
You can run but you can't hide

Is a funny thing to say to children with asthma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x4y76/you_can_run_but_you_cant_hide/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x4y5h/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
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So I was at my bank today.

There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x4wgj/so_i_was_at_my_bank_today/
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Why is it impossible to play UNO with Mexicans?

Because they keep stealing all the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x4w6b/why_is_it_impossible_to_play_uno_with_mexicans/
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What do you call an animal that doesn't matter?

Irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x4w24/what_do_you_call_an_animal_that_doesnt_matter/
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An improved Game of Thrones joke

Robert Baratheon, Renly Baratheon and Stannis Baratheon go into a tavern. They order ale, but when the barkeep brings them over, they each find a fly in their cups. Robert goes into rage and smashes the cup, demanding new ale. Renly takes the fly out and laughs with the barkeep about it. Stannis reaches into the cup, pulls out the fly and shouts: "Spit it out! The ale is mine - by right!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x4o9i/an_improved_game_of_thrones_joke/
%
Why did the tomato turn red

It saw the salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x4is3/why_did_the_tomato_turn_red/
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Why was the snowman so happy?

He heard the snow blower was coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x4ihx/why_was_the_snowman_so_happy/
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What's the best part about dating a twin?

Nobody can judge you on your age difference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x4hnp/whats_the_best_part_about_dating_a_twin/
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Drunk farmer

It's late at night and the drunk farmer comes into the house after a long day of work and a trip to the local pub. He stumbles home and enters his house. His wife is already fast asleep in their bedroom. The drunk farmer stumbles in abruptly, banging off the walls and knocking his wife's trinkets over. He flings the door open and is holding a chicken under his arm that he had grabbed from his barn. The farmer yells to his wife, "you see this honey, this is the pig that I fuck when your not around". She looks at him in a half daze and says "you drunk bastard that's not a pig it's a chicken". As the wife rolls back over to get some rest the farmer replies "well I wasn't talking to you, ya old bitch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x4dag/drunk_farmer/
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A lumber mill was hiring a lumber inspector....

A lumber mill was hiring a lumber inspector and put out an add on the radio.  Several people responded and did well, but towards the end of the search a blind man showed up, claiming he could identify the lumber by simply smelling it.  The chief of the mill told his foreman that they needed to test him because they might get in trouble for refusing a disabled man.
So, they took him into the mill and ran a board down the conveyor.  The blind man leaned forward and took a sniff, looked up and said, "That's easy, Hickory, Grade A."
They send another one down the conveyor and the man leaned in, smelled it, and said, " Easy again, Walnut, Grade B"
At this point the owner and the foreman were getting antsy because they knew if he passed everything they would have to hire him.  So, the owner went and got his secretary and told her to lay naked on the conveyor.  They sent her down the conveyor and the blind man leaned in, smelled, smelled again, looked up and said, "Send that back through."  He took another whiff and said, "ok, turn it over."  After another whiff he leaned back and grinned, "ok, ok, I know what that is.  Nice try, guys."
The owner and foreman were a bit shocked, saying incredulously together, "You do!?"
"Sure!" He said, "That's a shit-house door off an old shrimp boat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x4c8j/a_lumber_mill_was_hiring_a_lumber_inspector/
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My friend said his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away.

That just seems a little far fetched to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x42pc/my_friend_said_his_dog_could_retrieve_a_stick/
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I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced.

There’s a lovely key change at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x424a/im_writing_a_song_about_getting_my_front_door/
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Knock Knock

Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x3x06/knock_knock/
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Drunken Fools

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x3vee/drunken_fools/
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Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded...

at how gullible people on the internet are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x3uvz/local_mom_finds_cure_to_weight_loss_scientist_are/
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I tried write a joke about the Zika virus... [OC]

...but couldn't come up with anything off the top of my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x3tdg/i_tried_write_a_joke_about_the_zika_virus_oc/
%
Q: What's gray and comes in pints?

A: An elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x3om5/q_whats_gray_and_comes_in_pints/
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What did Dr. Seuss call the book he wrote about Star Wars?

The Cat in the AT-AT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x3jzh/what_did_dr_seuss_call_the_book_he_wrote_about/
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Chilly

Did you know that you can freeze a human to -273.15 C and he'd be 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x3i8k/chilly/
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What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x3coa/what_did_jayz_call_his_wife_before_they_got/
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Life

Before sex, you help each other get naked.
After sex, you dress only yourself.
Moral: In life, no one helps you once you're fucked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x39vp/life/
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What has three balls and comes from outer space?

E.T. the Extratesticle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x38zz/what_has_three_balls_and_comes_from_outer_space/
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I made a new app for Muslim wrestlers.

iSlam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x38wn/i_made_a_new_app_for_muslim_wrestlers/
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"My bad" and "I'm sorry" mean the same thing

Unless you're at a funeral.
Added source: https://m.vk.com/wall-55955185_3834

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x38bf/my_bad_and_im_sorry_mean_the_same_thing/
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How does a duck swim from one side of the pond to the other?

Very Quackly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x383t/how_does_a_duck_swim_from_one_side_of_the_pond_to/
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Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first﻿ chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x37pe/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
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How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, that's what students are for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x36np/how_many_teachers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I'd tell you a good time travel joke

But you didn't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x36iv/id_tell_you_a_good_time_travel_joke/
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

aye maighty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x35rg/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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did you hear about the gay, cannibal pirate?

apparently, he loved the taste of seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x33ti/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_cannibal_pirate/
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A blonde takes part in a game show

[Disclaimer: I don't know whether this counts as a joke, if not please tell me which subreddit would be suitable, 'cause it's actually a pretty fun "story"]
First question: how long did the Hundred Years War last?
a) 99 years
b) 116 years
c) 100 years
d) 150 years
The blonde prefers to use her one free pass joker at this point, so here comes the next question: where does the Panama hat originate from?
a) Ecuador
b) Venezuela
c) Colombia
d) Panama
The blonde asks the public's help joker and here comes the next question: what was George VI's first name?
a) Albert
b) Jonah
c) George
d) Constantine
The blonde uses the 50:50 joker and here comes the next question: during which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
a) September
b) October
c) November
d) February
The blonde uses the phone call joker and here comes the next question: which animal gave its name to the Canary Islands?
a) Seal
b) Canary
c) Monkey
d) Cat
The blonde says the wrong answer and loses the game.
Did you laugh at the blonde for using her jokers to answer such *easy* questions? Well, here are the correct answers:
1 - 116 years (from 1337 to 1453)
2 - Ecuador
3 - Albert
4 - November (because the Russians' calendar used to be Julian as opposed to Gregorian (in the latter, the revolution's date is 7 November)
5 - Seal (monk seal = *canis marinus* or sea dog / Canariae Insulae = Islands of the Dogs)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x33ir/a_blonde_takes_part_in_a_game_show/
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Do not vaccinate your children!

Let a trained medical professional do it instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x31ca/do_not_vaccinate_your_children/
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Once upon a time there was a Chinese man and a Chinese woman

Look how many there are now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2yse/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_chinese_man_and_a/
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A guy spilt his cup of milk on me

How dairy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2wmh/a_guy_spilt_his_cup_of_milk_on_me/
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A really fat guy went to the doctor for a physical.

As soon as the doctor saw him, he said, "Holy crap, you're huge! When was the last time you saw your dick?"
"I don't remember", replied the fat man.
"Well, why don't you diet?", suggested the doctor
Horrified,the fat man asked "Why, what color is it now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2rzc/a_really_fat_guy_went_to_the_doctor_for_a_physical/
%
I love a girl with a trimmed bush....

Only because its makes it easier to see her through the window at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2qch/i_love_a_girl_with_a_trimmed_bush/
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What's blue and fucks grannies?

Hypothermia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2qb7/whats_blue_and_fucks_grannies/
%
After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally

become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2orp/after_many_years_of_studying_at_a_university_ive/
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What do you call a Targaryen girl who can outrun her brothers?

A virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2oik/what_do_you_call_a_targaryen_girl_who_can_outrun/
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A man from out of town walks into a bar...

he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2nak/a_man_from_out_of_town_walks_into_a_bar/
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George Bush dies

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter says to him, "Who are you?"
Einstein says, "I'm Albert Einstein."
St. Peter says to him, "A lot of people pass through these gates, how can I be sure that you're the real Einstein?"
So St. Peter gives him a blackboard, and Einstein draws and proves the amazing theory of relativity.
St. Peter is amazed and says, "Go in! You're Einstein!"
Many decades later, Pablo Picasso dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter says to him, "A lot of people pass through these gates, how can I be sure that you're the REAL Picasso?"
So St. Peter gives him a canvas, and Picasso paints a beautiful portrait of the gates to heaven. St. Peter is speechless and says, "Go in! You're Picasso!"
Many decades after, George W. Bush dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter says, "How can I be sure you're the real Bush? Picasso and Einstein passed through here long before you did, and they proved they were the real them."
Bush replies, "Who the hell are those guys?"
"Go in, you're definitely Bush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2n91/george_bush_dies/
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Where's the safest place for shelter during a tornado in Detroit?

The Pontiac Silverdome, there hasn't been a touchdown there in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2kr2/wheres_the_safest_place_for_shelter_during_a/
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It's all shits n' giggles...

Until someone giggles and shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2jwa/its_all_shits_n_giggles/
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Josh in Europe.

A guy shows his painting of a couple making love to a friend.
A friend than asks:
"What is it called."
Artist replies:
"Josh in Europe."
A friend asks again:
"Who is this woman on the painting."
Artist answers:
"That is Joshes wife."
Friend asks:
"So im guessing the man is Josh."
The artist corrects him:
"That is Tom."
Friend than asks:
"So where is Josh."
"In Europe."
Replies the artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2hvc/josh_in_europe/
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I've been watching women's Olympic beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury.

But I should be fine by tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2fof/ive_been_watching_womens_olympic_beach_volleyball/
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There are three stages of sex that married couples go through

They are House Sex, Bedroom Sex, and Hallway Sex.
House Sex is when you are first together and in love and having sex all over the house.
Bedroom Sex is later on when you have children and the sex is confined to the bedroom.
Hallway Sex comes later and much more frequently when you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you," "No, fuck you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2f0x/there_are_three_stages_of_sex_that_married/
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As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2ewn/as_i_looked_into_her_eyes_i_felt_my_knees_go_weak/
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A black man lost in the desert finds a magic lamp...

He rubs it, and a Genie appears in front of him.
"I shall grant you three wishes." - said the genie.
"I want to be white, I want water, and I want to see lots of asses." - wished the man.
And the genie turned him into a toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2d7c/a_black_man_lost_in_the_desert_finds_a_magic_lamp/
%
A man asks his wife on a Friday evening...

Husband: Shall we have a nice weekend?
Wife: Sure, why not?
Husband: Ok then, see you on Monday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x2bjn/a_man_asks_his_wife_on_a_friday_evening/
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How can you tell Voldemort used the bathroom before you?

He leaves a dark mark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x29yz/how_can_you_tell_voldemort_used_the_bathroom/
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Two bats...

were in a cave thirsty for blood. One bat looks to the other and says, "I'm going to look for blood, stay here I'll be back".
He flies out of the cave and returns after a long time with blood dripping out of his mouth.
Excited, the other bat asks him "Where did you find so much blood??".
The other bat says, "you go out of this cave and turn left".
"Yes", replied the other bat, excitedly.
"Then you see a tree"
"Yeah"
"Well, I didn't".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x27s7/two_bats/
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Two redditors go outside to a social event

Oh wait, redditors don't go outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x26ra/two_redditors_go_outside_to_a_social_event/
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What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

A little hoarse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x25tf/what_do_you_call_a_pony_with_a_sore_throat/
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Bernie Sanders isn't a Messiah.

He's just a Jewish guy sacrificing himself to save millions from their own sin and ignorance while being insulted the entire time. Clearly no basis for a religion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x25t1/bernie_sanders_isnt_a_messiah/
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Yo moma is so...

good looking, what happened you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x25s6/yo_moma_is_so/
%
What do you call a horse that has very good vision underwater?

A seehorse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x24ei/what_do_you_call_a_horse_that_has_very_good/
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How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?

Put it into airplane mode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x23vu/how_do_you_blow_up_a_muslims_iphone/
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What did the computer programmer name his son?

Cody.
(pretty sure I just made this up :) )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x23di/what_did_the_computer_programmer_name_his_son/
%
Where did Joe hide the Nutella?

He's nutelling you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x22uo/where_did_joe_hide_the_nutella/
%
For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?
How about -
>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x212y/for_a_change_of_pace_heres_a_limerick_12_144_20_3/
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North Korea athletes...

North Korea athletes, who fail to win gold medals in this year's Olympic Games, will have a chance to win gold medals in the next Paralympic Games.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x20fg/north_korea_athletes/
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When he was president, George W. Bush decided to visit a school...

...so the kids could ask him questions.
'Mr. President, my name is Bob and I'd like to ask three questions,' says the first kid.
'Alright, ask away,' says Bush.
'My first question: why do you label everything as "terrorism"? My second question is: why do you always say we have the moral high ground when we were the ones who dropped two atomic bombs? And finally: how come you only became president after they counted the votes again?'
Bush just stands there for a second, but fortunately the bell rings. After the break, the class returns. Another kid stands up and says:
'Mr. President, I'd like to ask five questions.'
'Okay,' says Bush.
'The first three are the same as Bob's. The fourth is: why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier than usual? And finally: where the hell is Bob?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1xv7/when_he_was_president_george_w_bush_decided_to/
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A man is driving down the road..

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because ^you’re^not^a^monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1wzx/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
%
The Japanese designed a detective-robot able to catch thieves easily

They tried it out in three countries.
In Japan, the robots caught 100 thieves in five minutes.
In the US, the robots caught 200 thieves in five minutes.
In Albania, five minutes were enough for the robots to be stolen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1vw0/the_japanese_designed_a_detectiverobot_able_to/
%
Today I went to an Indian restaurant and asked for bread

They told me they had naan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1vqv/today_i_went_to_an_indian_restaurant_and_asked/
%
A tired businessman arrives to a hotel in the evening

'I need a room,' he says.
'I'm sorry, all our rooms are occupied,' says the receptionist.
'Dear God, I'm too tired to find another hotel... do you not have a free bed, at least?'
'As a matter of fact, we do. We had to give a double room to a gentleman earlier this week for a few nights. However, he's only willing to pay the price for a single bed, so he's okay with someone taking the other one. Unfortunately, he snores so loudly that no other guests could bear to share the room with him for longer than an hour. If you aren't bothered by the snoring though, we can give you the bed cheaply.'
The businessman accepts. The next morning, he walks into the lobby with a wide smile, clearly rested.
'Did you manage to sleep then?' asks the receptionist.
'Oh yes, it was wonderful!'
'Did the snoring not bother you?'
'No. I used a little trick that helped a lot.'
'Oh really?'
'Yes, when I entered the room last night, my roommate was already lying in bed. I walked up to him, gave him a kiss and said: "Have a good night, gorgeous!". After that, he sat in his bed till morning, 'cause he didn't dare to sleep!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1ukp/a_tired_businessman_arrives_to_a_hotel_in_the/
%
Who's the fastest runner in the chinese olympic team?

Mr. Do Ping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1tai/whos_the_fastest_runner_in_the_chinese_olympic/
%
No balls.

A bloke goes to the  council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the
interviewer says, "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point coming in for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1stk/no_balls/
%
Physics oral exam in high school

Teacher: 'Sit down, please. Okay, let's start. You're travelling on a train and it's really hot. What do you do?'
Student 1: 'I open the window.'
Teacher: 'Excellent. The train's speed is 130 km/h and is going towards the north-north east. Outside, you have a south east wind of 25 km/h. There's a gap of 25cm x 90cm at the open window, that's where the air comes in. The compartment's volume is 6,3 m3. Now, how long does it take for the air to be replaced in the compartment under these circumstances?'
The student has no idea about the answer. He fails the exam. Outside of the classroom, he tells his mates about the exam. Soon, the next student is called.
Teacher: 'Sit down, please. Okay, let's start. You're travelling on a train and it's really hot. What do you do?'
Student 2: 'I take my jumper off.'
Teacher: 'Okay, but it's boiling hot. What do you do then?'
Student 2: 'I take my shirt off as well.'
Teacher: 'Oh for Pete's sake, it's 39 °C with an 85% humidity rate!'
Student 2: 'Then I'll take off my trousers too.'
Teacher: 'But don't you see the compartment is full of homosexual rapists?!'
Student 2: 'I don't care if a hundred guys rape me, I still won't open that fucking window!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1s1s/physics_oral_exam_in_high_school/
%
My friend doesn't like being called Squidward.

He told me, "But I hate SpongeBob..."
I said, "That's the spirit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1qax/my_friend_doesnt_like_being_called_squidward/
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A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'
'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.
The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams.
At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?'
'The gold.'
'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.'
'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1q75/a_university_student_wanted_to_sit_next_to_one_of/
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A woman was out at the golf course...

...with her friends for a day and came home. Her husband asks, "So, how did it go?" "Terrible!" she replied. "I got stung by bees!" "Oh no! Where?" he asks. "Between the first and second holes!" The husband shakes his head and says "I've been telling you that your stance was too wide."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1q56/a_woman_was_out_at_the_golf_course/
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A guy realizes it's been a while and he has a little money, so he goes to the whorehouse and asks for whatever he can get for it...

The madam tells him to wait in room 102 and he will be taken care of.
He is waiting for a while, when a chicken starts pecking at the window.
It keeps pecking so he lets it in and the chicken flutters in, struts over to the bed, hops up, and turns its head to look back at him.
He's really confused but really horny so he thinks maybe this is what he could afford.
He decides to fuck the chicken.
It was no easy task and he wound up with some bites and scratches, but it was worth it.
A girl walks in as he is doing up his pants.
She asks if he is leaving and he tells her "Yes, I'm a satisfied customer."
The next week he has even less money, but hopes the whorehouse can provide something.
The madam says the best he can get for that price is room 202.
He enters the dark empty room where a bunch of guys are laying face down on the floor.
He realizes that they are looking through holes, watching people have sex in the room below.
He picks a spot to watch and gets very aroused seeing a girl get railed from behind while she sucks another guy off.
He turns to the older man next to him and says "Wow, this is crazy."
The old guy replies "This is nothing, last week some maniac was fucking a chicken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1q3a/a_guy_realizes_its_been_a_while_and_he_has_a/
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The Pope decides to go around Rome incognito

He steps into his limousine. All the windows are tinted obviously, so no one can see who's inside. The Pope tells the driver to go around Rome at once. However, the driver is really nervous, because it's the first time he takes the Pope around all alone; usually, His Holiness is surrounded by a dozen bodyguards at the very least. So the driver is really stressed out, and to make sure nothing bad happens he drives really slowly.
After a while, the Pope tells him to drive faster, but the driver isn't willing to go above 30 km/h. After another while, the Pope says:
'Okay, let's switch. I'll show you how to freaking drive, my son!'
They switch and the Pope immediatly accelerates. Of course, a police car pursues them when they see a limo going around Rome wildly, well above the speed limit, and they ask them to pull over. A policeman approaches the driver's side where the window is being lowered. When the policeman sees the Pope, he turns completely pale, mutters some apologies and runs back to the police car. His partner inquires:
'Why the hell didn't you give him a ticket, you moron?'
'Man, I didn't dare... that's an extremely important person sitting there in that limo...'
'Who? The Mayor? Should've given him a ticket, that bastard deserves it!'
'No, no, someone much more important...'
'Who then? One of our corrupt ministers perhaps?'
'No, no, much more important than that...'
'The Prime Minister?'
'No, no...'
'Oh for fuck's sake, just tell me who it is already!'
'Well actually, I don't know... But it's the Pope himself who serves as their driver!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1ncn/the_pope_decides_to_go_around_rome_incognito/
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Yoga pants are great.

They make legs look longer and really point out the curves on your ass. I just hate the comments like "Dude I can see the outlines of your dick!" That's why I don't wear them as much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1m0s/yoga_pants_are_great/
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They say gays destroy the very fabric of society.....

Nonsense! No gay man would ever dream of destroying fabric.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1lau/they_say_gays_destroy_the_very_fabric_of_society/
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How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1jje/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, feminists don't change anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1ii4/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Mr. Larkin isn't satisfied with the performance of his class

So on day, he says with an odious smile:
'Please, whoever thinks they're an idiot: stand up!'
Big silence, everyone remains seated. Suddenly, a young man stands up carefully.
'So, you think the appellation of "idiot" applies to you, do you?' asks Mr. Larkin in a derisory tone.
'Honestly? Not really. I just couldn't bear to see you stand alone, sir.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1ih7/mr_larkin_isnt_satisfied_with_the_performance_of/
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First Aid

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country.
She orders the chicken and starts to eat.
Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Well these two hillbillies in the next booth notice she is choking,
so they get up and go over to help her.
The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over
and the second hillbilly starts licking his butt.
The woman watches these two go at it and is grossed out.
She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The hillbilly pulls his overalls back up and says to the other,
"You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1f1z/first_aid/
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Dave and Hannah have been dating for a long time

One day, Hannah says:
'If you come to ours tomorrow evening for dinner, I'll give you my virginity.'
Obviously, Dave is very happy about the idea and says yes. That very night, after walking Hannah home, he enters a pharmacy, buys condoms and asks all kinds of useful questions about sex and other stuff from the pharmacist who patiently explains everything he needs to know to Dave.
The next evening when he arrives to Hannah's, the girl's parents are already sitting at the table. Once the young couple joins them, Dave looks around for a moment, then asks whether he could say grace. Dave prays for a very long time, bowing his head, with his eyes closed. After this goes on for 20 minutes and not a single word is uttered for that same time, Hannah whispers to Dave:
'I didn't know you were so religious.'
To which Dave replies:
'Yeah well, I didn't know that your dad was the pharmacist...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1di8/dave_and_hannah_have_been_dating_for_a_long_time/
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A mother-in-law doesn't trust her sons-in-law...

...so she decides to test them.
First, she goes to the oldest's house. She jumps into a well, but her son-in-law rescues her promptly. The next morning, the oldest son-in-law finds a brand new Suzuki in front of his house with a little note: "Lots of love, your mother-in-law".
The next day, she goes to her second son-in-law's house. She jumps into a well once again. Her son-in-law rescues her, but only after pondering about the decision for a while. The next morning, the second son-in-law finds a second-hand Trabant in front of his house with a little note: "Love, your mother-in-law".
Finally, the next day she goes to see her third son-in-law. She jumps into a well, but the youngest son-in-law doesn't rescue her, so she drowns and dies. The next morning, the youngest son-in-law finds a splendind new Porsche in front of his house with a little note: "Thank you. Your loving father-in-law".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1cfa/a_motherinlaw_doesnt_trust_her_sonsinlaw/
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At school, children learn about cucumbers

Miss Campbell starts the class by drawing a large cucumber on the blackboard. The whole class starts laughing. Miss Campbell blushes and questions Little Johnny:
'What do you think I drew on the blackboard?'
'A dick!' exclaims Little Johnny.
Miss Campbell is taken aback and runs to the headmaster to complain about the disorder and the misbehaviour of the class. The headmaster arrives promptly and shouts:
'Children, wherever do you think you are?! What's all this? And who drew a dick on the blackboard?!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1bd6/at_school_children_learn_about_cucumbers/
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How do you keep a blonde busy?

Put "flip" on both sides of a piece of paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1avo/how_do_you_keep_a_blonde_busy/
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The old mailman retires

It's been 35 years that he's worked in the same area. He was well loved in the neighbourhood, so the people who knew him and loved him decided to surprise him on his last day. At one house, the whole family was waiting for him and they give the old mailman a huge gift bag. At another house, they give him a box of outstanding cigars. At the third house, he gets a lovely fishing rod (since they know he's a passionate fisherman). And so on.
At one house, a gorgeous young blonde housewife is waiting for him wearing very sexy lingerie. She takes the mailman's hand with a smile, guides him to her bedroom and they make love. It's truly the most passionate sex the mailman has ever had in his whole life.
After some rest, the woman goes out to the kitchen and prepares the mailman an amazing breakfast. While eating, the mailman notices a $20 bank note under his coffee cup.
'Listen,' says the mailman. 'What you gave me today is so wonderful that I can't even put it in words. But I'd like to ask, why do I get $20?'
'Last night I told my husband today was gonna be your last day,' answers the beautiful housewife. 'And I asked him what to give you. His answer was: "Fuck that guy... give him $20!". The breakfast was my idea, though!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1aro/the_old_mailman_retires/
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Have you heard of the turkish version of sudoku?

It's called a pseudo-coup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1a1r/have_you_heard_of_the_turkish_version_of_sudoku/
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What did the Japanese Journey covers band sing at the funeral?

Don't stop, bereaving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x19hc/what_did_the_japanese_journey_covers_band_sing_at/
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Four friends decide to create a new tradition

They all have their birthdays the same week, so when they turn 50, they decide they would go every ten years to celebrate at a fancy restaurant.
The first time, when they turn 50, they have a discussion about where to go.
Friend 1: Let's go to the *Thai Orchid*, I heard they have really good food.
Friend 2: No no, we should go to the *Bengal*, the service there is excellent.
Friend 3: We should go to the *Waterfront*, I heard they have amazing pizza.
Friend 4: Guys, guys... we absolutely HAVE to go to the *Tropical Fountain*... The waitresses there are pretty... hmmm, you know what I mean...
They agree that this is indeed an important point, so they decide to go to the *Tropical Fountain* and they do indeed have a jolly good time.
Ten years later, when they turn 60, they discuss where to go once again.
Friend 2: We should go to the *Tropical Fountain* guys, they have outstanding wine there!
They don't even argue about it, they go to the *Tropical Fountain* and have a jolly good time.
When they turn 70, they discuss where to go once again.
Friend 1: I believe we should go to the *Tropical Fountain*, the view on the sea at sunset is strikingly beautiful!
They all agree and go to the *Tropical Fountain* and have a jolly good time.
When they turn 80, they honour their tradition once again. One of the friends proposes:
Friend 4: Fellas, we should go to the *Tropical Fountain*, they have wheelchair access.
They agree that the above mentioned restaurant is the best possible choice, so they go there and have a jolly good time.
When they turn 90, they decide to go celebrate their birthdays again and have a short discussion about where to go.
Friend 3: Hmpf, I think we should go to the *Tropical Fountain*... We've never been, we should check it out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x16lj/four_friends_decide_to_create_a_new_tradition/
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Relative's be like

Them: What's your age ?
Me: I'm 20
Them: Oh, when i was your age i was 21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x12h4/relatives_be_like/
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Dentist: "You need a crown."

-
Patient: "Finally someone who understands me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x125p/dentist_you_need_a_crown/
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I used to go to church as a kid. I got so tired of having to kneel, and sit and stand-up all the time.

I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x11ya/i_used_to_go_to_church_as_a_kid_i_got_so_tired_of/
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What do you call an STD that is contracted in your ear?

Hearing AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0y2g/what_do_you_call_an_std_that_is_contracted_in/
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An artist, a lawyer, and a gamer are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered...
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The gamer says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife. And I can spend all night gaming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0vwc/an_artist_a_lawyer_and_a_gamer_are_discussing_the/
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Free heaven

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
'It's free,' St. Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.' Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, 'What are the green fees?'
St. Peter replied, 'This is heaven, you play for free.' Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the World laid out. 'How much to eat?' asked the old man.
'Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!' St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?' the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, 'That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.'
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, 'This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins and exercise, I could have been here ten years ago!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0vcg/free_heaven/
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Just been watching the Olympic ladies beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury.

But I should be okay by Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0u1r/just_been_watching_the_olympic_ladies_beach/
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A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and

asks what happened. The man replies: “My wife told me that she wouldn’t talk to me for a month.” The waiter replies, “Oh no, that’s horrible!” Man: “Yes!!! (Sobs) Today that month is over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0tml/a_man_sits_in_a_restaurant_and_cries_the_waiter/
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My teacher touched me

Seriously, his lecture was fantastic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0t4e/my_teacher_touched_me/
%
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'" -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0q6a/a_blonde_and_a_redhead_have_a_ranch_they_have/
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Why is the cinematography of pornos so impressive?

Because it's all done one handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0q5v/why_is_the_cinematography_of_pornos_so_impressive/
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Whats the difference between America and Yogurt?

If you leave Yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0o42/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_yogurt/
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Michael Phelps won his 21st olympic gold medal.

You could say he's swimming in them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0nv7/michael_phelps_won_his_21st_olympic_gold_medal/
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How do the Greeks seperate the men from the boys?

A crowbar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0l1c/how_do_the_greeks_seperate_the_men_from_the_boys/
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This afternoon I just relaxed on the couch and masturbated.

The psychiatrist took a lot of notes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0jpt/this_afternoon_i_just_relaxed_on_the_couch_and/
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Someone should create a Trump parody Twitter account...

That only retweets all the stuff he actually posts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0eru/someone_should_create_a_trump_parody_twitter/
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Someone stole my mood ring the other day...

I still don't know how I feel about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0eqz/someone_stole_my_mood_ring_the_other_day/
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Confession...

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.  Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and
forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0drd/confession/
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My girlfriend’s at home tonight, baking.

So hopefully the police don’t look in the oven and find her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0cqj/my_girlfriends_at_home_tonight_baking/
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This bloke at uni today told me he had 90 degrees...

I said 90 degrees how is that even possible? He said you just need to look at uni from the right angle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0cg3/this_bloke_at_uni_today_told_me_he_had_90_degrees/
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[NSFW] My favorite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her, as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0ccf/nsfw_my_favorite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
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Voting is just like driving.

To go forward, choose D.
To go backwards, choose R.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0bke/voting_is_just_like_driving/
%
A lady walks into a sex store...

...and says to the salesman, "Where are the dildos?"
The clerk points and says, "On the wall over there."
She looks and says, "I want one of the red ones."
The salesman says, "No, lady. The dildos are the ones next to the fire extinguisher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x0b2j/a_lady_walks_into_a_sex_store/
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Donald Trump walks into a bar

and lowers it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x09xh/donald_trump_walks_into_a_bar/
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Muslim officials denounce gorilla warfare

Calling it "absolutely harambe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x064n/muslim_officials_denounce_gorilla_warfare/
%
How are PCs different from woman?

I know how to turn a PC on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x050f/how_are_pcs_different_from_woman/
%
What's the difference between a refugee and E.T?

E.T learned English and wanted to go home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x04km/whats_the_difference_between_a_refugee_and_et/
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"Pikachu, use astonish!"

*Leans into opponent's ear*
"Jet fuel can't melt steel beams."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x022q/pikachu_use_astonish/
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What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wzyr5/what_does_a_carpenter_do_after_one_night_stand/
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

Hold onto your nuts, this is no *ordinary* blow job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wzu7g/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_palm/
%
How many IT guys does it take to change a light bulb?

No IT guys change light bulbs, they just keep flicking the switch on and off again until something happens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wztsg/how_many_it_guys_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
No one is sure how much it cost Coke to sponsor the Paralympics,

but it undoubtedly cost an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wzstg/no_one_is_sure_how_much_it_cost_coke_to_sponsor/
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A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club...

A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night.
When the couple arrives at the woman’s apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other.
However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants, “before you take them off….is it true what they say about black guys?”
With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said “baby, of course.” He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wzryj/a_white_woman_and_a_black_man_are_dancing_at_a/
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My girlfriend isn't just beautiful on the outside, but on the inside as well.

She must have a great genetic makeup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wzq7v/my_girlfriend_isnt_just_beautiful_on_the_outside/
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I just read Fahrenheit 451.

That book is lit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wzirv/i_just_read_fahrenheit_451/
%
A priest lost his rooster and he comes to church and says anyone here see a cock?

All the women raise their hands. "I'm not talking about that kind", he says. Then he says, "Anyone here have a cock?" All the men raise their hands he says, "Again, I'm not talking about that kind!" Then he says, "Anyone in here see my cock?" All the kids then raise their hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wzfkk/a_priest_lost_his_rooster_and_he_comes_to_church/
%
A man walks into a bar...

... and sees a horse behind the counter. After a minute, the horse yells at him. "Whatsamatter, buddy? Never seen a horse tending bar before?"
"It's not that," said the man, "It's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wz9dl/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever.....

....that was a tough postcard to read!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wz5ew/according_to_my_wife_vacation_sex_is_the_best_sex/
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TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wz39j/til_unvaccinated_children_are_less_likely_to_be/
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What is the car company, Kia's, main competitor?

Nokia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wz2tu/what_is_the_car_company_kias_main_competitor/
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I used to be a head chef.

I guess it's just part of being a cannibal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wz0q8/i_used_to_be_a_head_chef/
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An old Australian is talking about fighting in the boer wars to a man.

He says "One day we got into a fight twenty thousand, to one."
The man asks "What did you do?"
The old Australian replies "We killed him of course.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wyzt2/an_old_australian_is_talking_about_fighting_in/
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I was in bed with my wife....

........and was having a terrible headache. I said “Go and get me something for this headache, its terrible”. She went downstairs and I was lying there and she started poking me in the back with a broom handle? I said “What the hell you doing woman”? She said “Well its what you do when I'm in bed and say I've got a headache”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wyzs5/i_was_in_bed_with_my_wife/
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How do you turn a fox into a whale?

Marry her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wyz83/how_do_you_turn_a_fox_into_a_whale/
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If I had a dollar for every time a woman found me unattractive...

They'd eventually find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wyxbf/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_a_woman_found_me/
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When talking to a girl, their boobs are like the sun...

You can't look at them for very long unless you have sunglasses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wyv6u/when_talking_to_a_girl_their_boobs_are_like_the/
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So one day, I'm crossing the road...

and all of a sudden, a huge chicken starts walking beside me and introduces itself by saying "Hi, I'm Chicken Hu". I'm thinking "Holy shit, a talking chicken". I ask Chicken, I say "Hi Chicken, where are you from?". He says, "I was born in San Francisco". Surprised, I say "No, but where are you actually from?". Looking annoyed, he says "I'm actually American, you racist." Feeling a little embarrassed over my unintentional racism, I stop talking for a little while. We then walk into this bar as the bartender is kicking out this duck, WTF? So we sit down, and I ask the chicken, "If you don't mind me asking, how are you able to talk?" The chicken then says that his owner found a genie on day. The genie granted him one. wish. He had wished for a monster cock. I nod sympathetically. I tell him that "once I found a mermaid who said she'd grant me one wish. I asked for a little head, and that's how I ended up like this". The chicken admits "Oh, I didn't want to ask because I thought it would be too personal. You gotta be careful around those wish granters". Then, an Irishman, an American, and a Frenchman walk into the bar. Anyway, after having too much to drink, Chicken and I walk out of the bar. He says to me "Hey, you wanna go to a party?" I tell him, that I would. So we walk up to this random house and Chicken knocks on the door.
Knock, Knock
"Who's there?"
"Chicken"
"Chicken Hu?"
"Yup. Open up"
So we walk into the house. At the house, I come across a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer. They start talking about the achievements they've made in their fields. Now I'm all depressed. I'm thinking "Why didn't I turn out like that? My life is just one big joke." I decide to forget about my sorrows by eating a large pack of saltines. Now I'm frantically looking for a place to get a drink. I find one. I'm thinking "Huh, I'll go there. Good thing there's no punchline".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wyuil/so_one_day_im_crossing_the_road/
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Where do onions wrestle?

Onion rings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wyr3n/where_do_onions_wrestle/
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So America won gold for shooting in the Olympics.

No suprise there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wypsb/so_america_won_gold_for_shooting_in_the_olympics/
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What is black and starts with "nig"?

Nighttime, you racist bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wyocd/what_is_black_and_starts_with_nig/
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A man sees a blond bombshell walk into a bar

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous blond babe walking in on the arm of some ugly, portly Israeli man.
He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again in all her golden-haired glory, only this time alone.
The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?", he asks.
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.
When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!", he exclaims
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 story penthouse apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?", he begs the blond.
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't be serious about that!"
She nods her head.
"You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wymmd/a_man_sees_a_blond_bombshell_walk_into_a_bar/
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The only thing worse than having a small penis...

Is having small arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wylet/the_only_thing_worse_than_having_a_small_penis/
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Did you hear about child molester who plays the piano?

He was fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wyjv4/did_you_hear_about_child_molester_who_plays_the/
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What did Nicolas Cage say when his daughters grades came through?

Oh God, not the B's!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wyi3i/what_did_nicolas_cage_say_when_his_daughters/
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What do male prostitutes and Inspector Closeau have in common?

They're both Peter Sellers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wyeah/what_do_male_prostitutes_and_inspector_closeau/
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I used to know a great joke about a boomarang...

Oh well... it'll come back to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wycq1/i_used_to_know_a_great_joke_about_a_boomarang/
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I got a puppy for my girlfriend.

It was the best trade ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wyci9/i_got_a_puppy_for_my_girlfriend/
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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom............

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wy1a1/a_woman_noticed_her_husband_standing_on_the/
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A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates..........

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" No. The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" No. The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck." The farmer shot Chuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wy0b7/a_farmer_had_3_beautiful_daughters_who_were/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says:..........

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxzt9/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby_the_bus/
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Two Swedes and two Norwegians are traveling...

Two Swedes and two Norwegians are traveling by train from Stockholm to Oslo. The Swedes only buys one ticket, but the Norwegians buys two. On the train, the Swedes locks themselves in the toilet. When the conductor goes by, he knocks on the door, asking for the ticket. They slip the ticket under the door, the conductor cuts it and moves on.
The Norwegians sees this, and on the way back, the Norwegians buys one ticket, but the Swedes buys none. On the train, the Norwegians locks themselves in the toilet. The Swedes soon knocks on their door, asks for their ticket. The Swedes takes the ticket, goes to the next toilet and locks themselves in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxyqu/two_swedes_and_two_norwegians_are_traveling/
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How do you make 5 pounds of ugly fat really attractive?

Put a nipple on it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxyeo/how_do_you_make_5_pounds_of_ugly_fat_really/
%
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. ..........

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: "Can I see your dad?" Johnny: "No, he's in the shower." Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?" Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too." Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?" Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxxjg/a_salesman_rings_the_door_bell_and_little_johnny/
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.

It's called a wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxwnw/scientists_have_discovered_a_food_that_diminishes/
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How do you know your sister's on her period?

Your dad's dick tastes like blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxweq/how_do_you_know_your_sisters_on_her_period/
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I have a step ladder

I never met my real ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxv3m/i_have_a_step_ladder/
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Lil Johnny in Class

The teacher begins the new week by deciding to go around the room and ask each student to cover her a word that starts with a designated letter. She asks for a volunteer for the letter A  and Lil Johnny is the first to shoot his hand up.
The teacher thinks, "Johnny always has the most perverted answers, I'll call on someone else".  She calls on Suzie, who confidently says, "Apple!"
Teacher continues to go through the alphabet and Johnny's hand is the first one up every time, and each time she calls on another student.
Finally the teacher gets to the letter R, and thinks, "Surely he can't thing of anything inappropriate for R".  So she says, "Okay Johnny, give a word for the letter R"
Johnny says, "Rats....with ten inch fucking dicks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxux5/lil_johnny_in_class/
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Today i meet a man with a glass eye

He didn't tell me, it just popped out in the conversation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxsk8/today_i_meet_a_man_with_a_glass_eye/
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A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked.......

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"  The husband said, "No sweetie."  The woman said, "I'm sure you would."  So the man said, "Okay, I would"  Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"  And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."  Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"  And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxq3v/a_husband_and_wife_were_golfing_when_suddenly_the/
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Why Do Tigers Have Stripes?

Because They Don't Want To Be Spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxpbd/why_do_tigers_have_stripes/
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What do you call the Loch Ness monster on drugs

You're high ness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxjhq/what_do_you_call_the_loch_ness_monster_on_drugs/
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What's the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist?

A Methodist will say "hi" to you at the liquor store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxhig/whats_the_difference_between_a_methodist_and_a/
%
My Mexican friend was freaking out, but

I couldn't understand his panic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxf6g/my_mexican_friend_was_freaking_out_but/
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Gotta hand it to babies...

...because their short, stupid little arms can't reach anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxbcn/gotta_hand_it_to_babies/
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Irishman Paddy wanted another drink

But Mick the pub owner said "ya had enough, go on home Paddy"
I am guessing your right Mick, and with that he spun around on his stool, focused his eyes on the door, got up and proceeded to fall face first on the floor.
"Oh, Saints be praised, I must be drunken than me thought. If I can just get to the door and git a bit of fresh air all will be well"
So he crawls towards the door, pulls himself up holding onto the jamb, takes a deep breath of night air and thinks "Oh this be great! I am revived."
He takes and step and bam. Face first onto the cobblestone sidewalk.
"Oh me Lord! I didn't think I was this drunk. Well, I can see me front door just a couple of doors down. I can crawl there."
So he proceeds to creep to his home, he reaches the door and pulls himself up and opens the door. Looking up at the stairs he must climb, he says "Oh I can make that. I am closer to me bed" and again he falls onto the floor.
This time he works his way along the floor, up the stairs and makes it to his bed.
The next morning his lovely wife Maggie awakens him with the sound of clattering coffee cups. "Oh, so you got a drunk on last night. Here, have yourself a cup of coffee."
"Oh my Maggie, apparently I did. But how do you know?"
"Because Mick called from the pub and told me. And also, he said, you left your wheelchair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxahb/irishman_paddy_wanted_another_drink/
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Two friends, Jim and John were walking their dogs

...when they passed by a restaurant.
*"Let’s go in and get something to eat,"* Jim suggested.
*"We cant"*, responded John, *"don't you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED"*
*"Aah that sign,"* said Jim, *"don't worry about it"* and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door. As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door,
*'Sorry sir no pets allowed'*
*"Cant you see"* said Jim, *"I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog."*
*'But it’s a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?'* the man asked.
*"Oh!"* Jim responded *"you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job".*
Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua.
Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said *'don't tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.'* Thinking quickly John responded in a angry voice *"You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wxa6u/two_friends_jim_and_john_were_walking_their_dogs/
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Man is incomplete until he’s married.......

Man is incomplete until he’s married.  Then he’s finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wx993/man_is_incomplete_until_hes_married/
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Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wx7f7/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_fetus/
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When you're addicted to keyboard shortcuts

It might start off with just copying and pasting, but once you get into underlining it really starts to control you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wx3w6/when_youre_addicted_to_keyboard_shortcuts/
%
Four students are having a problem with their car...

Four students are having a problem with their car and are forced to stop on the side of the road.
"The ignition is damaged" says the electrical engineer.
"The fuel pipe is clogged" says the chemist.
"Engines is damaged" says the engineer.
"Lets just get out of the car and get in again" says the computer scientist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wx03o/four_students_are_having_a_problem_with_their_car/
%
What is the difference between Faith and Hope?

Depends on the strip club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwyz7/what_is_the_difference_between_faith_and_hope/
%
Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport?

Because the best you can get is bronze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwytm/why_isnt_suntanning_an_olympic_sport/
%
Who were the world's fastest readers?

9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 2 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwyfn/who_were_the_worlds_fastest_readers/
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LITTLE JOHNNY'S HALLOWEEN

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.
"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.
"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwy89/little_johnnys_halloween/
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My girlfriend caught me cross-dressing

So I packed up her clothes and left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwvhy/my_girlfriend_caught_me_crossdressing/
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What's better than roses on a piano...

Tulips on an organ.
Let me know if you get it. I'm not gonna lie it took me a couple minutes when a co-worker told me this. Creds: J-mans old man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwt1m/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
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A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat...

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwsye/a_kindergarten_student_told_his_teacher_hed_found/
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It's so damn hot outside...

I called my ex so I could be around something shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwshn/its_so_damn_hot_outside/
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It all

The title says it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wws0v/it_all/
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I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail...

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwr3e/i_just_got_a_photo_from_a_speeding_camera_through/
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When my wife told me to stop imitating flamingos,

I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwpas/when_my_wife_told_me_to_stop_imitating_flamingos/
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my wife tried to tell me that I'm in denial...

So I told her to go back to school and learn geography because I'm standing nowhere near a river in Egypt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwmjx/my_wife_tried_to_tell_me_that_im_in_denial/
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Why did you die?

So a man named John is in the cemetery, just like every Sunday, visiting his wife.
But this day was different than the others. Today a man was on his hands and knees weeping and shouting, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
Well John feels sorry for the guy so he heads over and asks the man what's wrong. The weeping man doesn't acknowledge him and just keeps on going, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
Well John is still very concerned and so he says to the man, "At least you could tell me who this is."
The man ignored him and just keeps on weeping, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
John then still worried asks, "Well it's it your mother?"
The man replies, "No", and keeps going, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
John then asks, "Well was it your father?"
The man replies, "No", and keeps on going, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
John getting upset at this point asks, "Well was it one of your siblings?"
The man replies, "No", and keeps going on, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
John is very mad at this point and raises his voice at the man, "Well who the hell is it then??"
The man sniffles and says, "Well it's my wife's first husband"
Never have seen this joke on here so sorry if it's a repost. Hope you enjoyed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwm6m/why_did_you_die/
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What's the most positive thing about Africa?

HIV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwlga/whats_the_most_positive_thing_about_africa/
%
what do you call a Black man with a small dick?

By his name you racist fuck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwcyl/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_with_a_small_dick/
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What does a Kentucky girl scream while she is having sex?

Get off me Pa, you is crushing my cigarettes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwcpp/what_does_a_kentucky_girl_scream_while_she_is/
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The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwajg/the_somalian_olympics_team_has_just_apologised/
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Jimmy comes home looking very happy...

Jimmy comes home looking very happy and says to his father, "Daddy, I fell in love want to date this awesome girl."
His father replies, "That's great son. Who is she?"
"It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.", replies Jimmy.
The father then looks a bit sad and says, "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
Jimmy becomes shocked and looks very sad.
A few months go by and Jimmy comes home again looking very happy. He goes straight to his father and says, "Hey daddy! I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
"That's wonderful son! Who is she?"
"She is Jasmine, the other neighbours daughter."
"I'm sorry to tell you son, but she's also your sister".
This happens a few times and Jimmy is absolutely broken and mad. So then he goes straight to his Mother.
"Mom, I fell in love with 6 different girls and daddy keeps telling me that I cannot date them because they are my sisters!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "My love, You can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him because he isn't your father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ww5jc/jimmy_comes_home_looking_very_happy/
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The FBI raided Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters

She needed them to get in quick and destroy all the evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ww2g5/the_fbi_raided_hillary_clintons_campaign/
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What's the difference between a musician and a dead body?

One composes, the other decomposes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ww1z6/whats_the_difference_between_a_musician_and_a/
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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ww0m0/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
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What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvw3b/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_stop_and/
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I said "My, what big eyes you have!"

Followed by "My, what big hands you have!"
And then "My what big teeth you have!"
My charity gig for children with disabilities did not start out well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvulk/i_said_my_what_big_eyes_you_have/
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I tried telling him to stop eating Canadian provinces

But he's having Nunavut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvtll/i_tried_telling_him_to_stop_eating_canadian/
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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick

Especially since his name is Steve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvt1a/my_boss_hates_it_when_i_shorten_his_name_to_dick/
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Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvslp/why_are_americans_so_good_at_shooting/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvqh0/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvq3r/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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In the South Pacific...

Many years ago, in the South Pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to fall down.
The moral of the story is that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvpiz/in_the_south_pacific/
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Knock Knock

'Who's there?'
'Europe.'
'Europe who?'
'No, you're a poo.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvkda/knock_knock/
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I used to be a rubbish collector.

Now I'm pretty good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvh9k/i_used_to_be_a_rubbish_collector/
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I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact:

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvh6x/id_like_to_leave_you_ladies_and_gentlemen_with/
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What's the difference between Trump and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvfgi/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_hitler/
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A dozen guys are changing in the golf club's locker room

Suddenly, a cell phone starts ringing. One of the guys answers it.
'Hi!'
'Hi honey, it's me,' says a female voice. 'Are you still at the golf club?'
'Yeah.'
'Wonderful! I'm two streets away. I just saw this amazing Persian fur coat. It's truly marvelous. Can I buy it?'
'How much do they want for it?'
'*Only* $1,000!'
'Well, go for it if you like it so much...'
'Oh honey, just five minutes ago I saw a splendid new Mercedes at the car shop. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me an excellent offer... and you know, we should really get rid of that BMW we bought last year...'
'How much do they want for it?'
'*Only* $75,000!'
'Fine, but make sure you ask for all the extra accessories with this price.'
'Oh, sure honey! There's another thing though...'
'Yeah?'
'It may seem like a lot, but I checked our bank accounts and... This morning I stopped at that beautiful house they're selling that we liked so much... Do you remember? With the swimming pool, the gorgeous rockery, the huge 1ha garden, the view on the mountains...'
'How much do they want for it?'
'*Only* $600,000! It's a great price and I know we have enough money in the bank...'
'Very well, go and buy it, but first try to haggle, say $500,000...'
'Ok honey, thanks. I'll see you in a bit. I love you!'
The guy hangs up, lifts the cell phone in the air and asks the others:
'Does anyone know whose phone this is?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvekm/a_dozen_guys_are_changing_in_the_golf_clubs/
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An American, an Arab and a French are in a plane.

The American throws a bunch of hamburgers through the window and the others say:
"Why do you throw these hamburgers?
– Because I have too many in my country."
The Arab throws gallons of oil through the window and the others say:
"Why do you throw all this oil?
– Because I have too much in my country."
Then the French throws the Arab through the window.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvdvg/an_american_an_arab_and_a_french_are_in_a_plane/
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A guy shows up late for work...

The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvd5q/a_guy_shows_up_late_for_work/
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What is a person with epilepsy's favourite salad?

Chicken Seizure Salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvc7q/what_is_a_person_with_epilepsys_favourite_salad/
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Two elderly couples share a car

They're driving on the German motorway. Their speed is exactly 81 km/h. A police officer stops them. One of the elderly chaps asks:
'Good day officer, were we speeding?'
'No, not at all. But why are you going so slowly?'
'Why, can we drive faster?'
'Of course, 130km/h easily.'
'But on the signpost it says A81.'
'Yes, so?'
'Well, we thought that 81 km/h was the limit then.'
'Oh no, that's just the motorway's number.'
'Oh, ok. Thanks for the information!'
Before letting them go, the policeman looks into the car, the back seat specifically, where he sees two petrified old women. So he asks:
'What's the matter with the two ladies in the backseat? Do they feel alright?'
'Oh yes, most certainly. It's just that we left the B252 two minutes ago.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvbkq/two_elderly_couples_share_a_car/
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Why do vegans hate themselves?

They are animal products.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvbch/why_do_vegans_hate_themselves/
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At school, kids were given the task to tell a story with a moral lesson

The next day, the teacher asks:
'So, what's your story Timmy?'
'This one time when we were taking eggs on a cart to the neighbouring town, the cart's wheel broke and so did all the eggs.'
'And what's the moral of this story?'
'That you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket.'
'Very good. And what about you, Megan?'
'This one time when we were taking milk to the neigbouring town the donkey stumbled and all the milk spilled.'
'And what's the moral of the story?'
'That you shouldn't put all your milk in one bottle.'
'Very good. And you, Johnny, what's your story?'
'Well, my uncle was a soldier during the Vietnam War. One time, they shot his helicopter down. All he had was a gun, a knife and a bottle of whisky. While he was falling down, he drank all the whisky so it wouldn't go to waste. Once he reached the ground, he saw 100 soldiers of the Viet Cong around him. He killed 50 with his gun, but he didn't have any ammo left after that. Then, he killed 30 with his knife, but then the knife's edge got blunt. So he killed the remaining 20 with his bare hands.'
'Oh dear God! And what's the moral of this horrifying story?'
'What do y'think? Don't fuck around with Uncle Bobby when's he's drunk!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wvanc/at_school_kids_were_given_the_task_to_tell_a/
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There was a school in England which was infamous for having the savage bullies. [Long]

There was a school in England which was infamous for having the savage bullies. The school used to come in the news fairly regularly for nothing but their bullies. More often than not the school bullies used to line up the other students and hit them in the face. The consequences of not being present in the line were worse than getting *punched* in the face, so helplessly once a week on Monday all the students lined up. The children were made to line up on the football pitches far away from the school building so the teachers wouldn't catch them too often.
The bullies were usually the eldest students in school on that particular day, and the line was particularly *bad* when the bullies were 16 year olds, and was terrible when the bullies were even younger.
A new teacher had joint school and she had heard so much about the bullying and she had zero tolerance for harassment of any sort. She decided that she's going to catch the bullies responsible for this.
So every Monday she would go to the football pitches and catch the bullies but there always used to be a *bad line*, and so she would never catch the eldest students who were the linchpins in this entire bullying scheme. She had never even seen the *terrible line*, she always used to catch the 16, and so one day she decided to use the genie lamp that she had since she was in her early twenties. She had used 2 wishes from the genie, and decided that she would use her last wish to try and catch the bullies in charge.
Her two previous wishes were used on becoming the most knowledgeable economics teacher in the UK and to be an extremely fun teacher in the classroom. These two wishes were granted to her by the genie and it helped her land the teaching job at this school.
She rubbed the lamp and the genie came out, she then went on to explain to the genie about the punching situation in the school and how all the students were made to stand in a line. She then went on to explain how she had only been catching the *bad line* of students and how she wished that she could catch the other bullies. The genie nodded and told her that things would be different tomorrow.
So the next Monday the teacher went to school like normal, and saw that there were no 16 year olds in school. This intrigued her, but at least she knew she that she wouldn't see the *bad line*, this excited her. She had dreamt of this day where she would finally catch the other bullies who were *punching* all the students.
The teacher began to walk towards the football field not knowing what to anticipate as she had never seen any other line apart from the *bad* one.
Once she reached there she knew that the genie had fulfilled her wish once again because, in front of her she saw it; the punchline, and it was *terrible*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wva5f/there_was_a_school_in_england_which_was_infamous/
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What award was given to the best Knock Knock joker?

The No-Bell prize!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wv9oo/what_award_was_given_to_the_best_knock_knock_joker/
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A teenage girl informs her parents that she hasn't menstruated in two months

Her parents are shocked and furious. Her mother is crying, her father swears to kill the pig who did this to her. He bids her daughter to call that sonuvabitch at once. So the girl calls her boyfriend, they talk for a few minutes, then she hangs up.
After half an hour, an amazing Porsche stops in front of the house. An elderly chap gets out of the car in a very expensive suit and enters the house. He joins the family in the living room with a confident and firm face.
'I hear from your daughter what's happened. Unfortunately, because of family reasons, I can't marry her, but I can offer you a deal instead.
If she gives birth to a girl, our daughter will get three businesses, two houses, a villa on the beach and $1,000,000 per year.
If it's a boy, he'll get two multinational companies of mine, and $1,000,000 per year as well.
In case it's twins, they'll both get a multinational company and $500,000 per year each.
Now, in case your daughter should miscarry...'
The father, taking advantage of a short pause, shouts:
'Then you'll screw her again!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wv81y/a_teenage_girl_informs_her_parents_that_she_hasnt/
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Freedom of Speech (USSR/USA)

During the soviet era many Westerners doubted the freedom of expression given to citizens of Soviet Union, so a journalist set out to interview people from the USA and USSR to see how things compared.
One American said "I am completely free to say whatever I think. For example I can walk into any public space and criticize the president."
To this the Soviet responded "We too have freedom of speech - we can go to any public square at any time and criticize the president of America."
(Source: Joke I learned in Russia)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wv7mt/freedom_of_speech_ussrusa/
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Larry decides to go see a doctor

He's been experiencing severe pain in his right elbow, so he thinks he should go see a doctor. He tells his best friend about his plan.
'Don't go to the doctor's, they don't know shit,' says his best friend. 'There's this new computer at the pharmacy on the corner of the street. You just have to take a urine sample to the machine, pay $2 and it'll immediatly tell you what your diagnosis is!'
Larry decides he'll go check out this wonderful new computer... after all, he's got nothing to lose. So he takes a urine sample to the pharmacy and pays $2. The machine starts working on it, it takes a few minutes, and after a while it produces a little note with the following diagnosis:
'You have strained joints. Soak your elbow in hot water, avoid hard physical work and you'll be fine within two weeks.'
Larry is really surprised, but isn't quite sure about the whole thing. Therefore, he decides he'll test whether the machine is for real with a funky idea. At home, he prepares a mix of tap water and dog urine, and then adds his daughter's and his wife's urine as well as his own sperm. He promptly returns to the pharmacy with the mix, pays $2 and waits. After a few minutes, the computer produces a little note again with the diagnosis:
'The tap water at your home is too hard. Use water softener.
Your dog is struggling with annelids. Give him deworming medication.
Your daughter is taking drugs. Take her to a detoxification institute.
Your wife is pregnant, but the child isn't yours. Find a lawyer.
And Larry, if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow is never gonna heal!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wv6x6/larry_decides_to_go_see_a_doctor/
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Three friends get lost in the jungle...

So three guy friends on vacation in South America get lost in the jungle.
Eventually after hours wandering and near death. The trio find themselves on a remote area of farmland where Coca plants are being grown.
Before long they get caught by the local drug lord who owns the land and held at gun point.
Terrified the three guys beg and plead for their lives. Swearing they where just lost and that they wouldn't tell anyone about the drugs.
The Drug Lord feeling sorry for the guys. Decides to cut them a break. But, he doesn't want to appear weak in front of his men. So he says.
"Alright, if the total length of all you're cocks is greater than 21 inches. I'll let you go."
So, they all line up and pull out their junk.
The first guy is measured and he has a 10 inch penis.
The second guy is measured and he has a 9 inch penis.
The third guy is measured and he has a 3 inch penis and everyone laughs.
"A deals a deal" Says the drug lord and lets the men go.
Later that day the three men are talking about the crazy events of the day.
The first guy says. "O man that was insane. We're just super lucky my dick's 10 inches long"
The second guy chimes in. "No kidding, right. So glad I got a 9 incher!"
The third guy laughs. "Talk about lucky...thank god I had a hard on..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wv676/three_friends_get_lost_in_the_jungle/
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One of my favorites: A woman walks into a club...

... looking for a someone to get off with. She spots a guy at the bar, who is already pretty wasted, but she's attracted and approaches to him.
They have a few more drinks and while they are waiting for a cab outside, thinking about whether they go to her or his place, it comes to her mind, it's that time of the month for her.
"Pah, he's so wasted, he won't bother anyway!"
Finally they go to his place, spend the night together and she leaves early in the morning without waking him up.
He wakes up later, having a killer hangover, headaches and the whole bed is full of blood.
"Oh Christ, what happened here?", he thinks.
"Oh wait, there was this woman, wasn't there? Did I kill her?"
He goes to the basement, checks the weapon storage. All weapons clean, ammunition's complete: "I didn't shoot her!"
He goes up to the kitchen, checks the kitchen knifes. Knifes complete, all clean: "I didn't stab her!"
"Oh man, I need a shower first"
He goes to the bathroom, takes a look in the mirror:
"Oh shit, I ate her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wv5ka/one_of_my_favorites_a_woman_walks_into_a_club/
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The wife wants to surprise her husband on his birthday

She wants to take him to a strip club, since poor Gary has been working a lot lately, and has always been faithful to her so far, so he really deserves it.
The big day arrives. They get out of the taxi at the strip club and the bouncer waves at them happily.
'Hey Gary, how y'doing mate?'
'How the hell does this guy know you?' asks the wife, surprised.
'Erm, from the bowling club, he's a member too.'
They go in and sit down at a table. Here comes the waitress.
'Hey Gary! The usual?'
The wife, shocked, asks:
'How the hell does she know you?'
'Erm, she's helping out as a waitress at the company's events.'
A bit later, an almost entirely naked stripper comes to see them.
'Your favourite Gary, honey?'
To which the wife leaves, clearly hurt and devastated. Gary runs after her and sees her as she gets into a taxi, so he jumps towards the car and shouts:
'Darling, let me explain, there's been a misunderstanding!'
'Get off of me, you fucking pimp!'
To which the taxi driver turns around and asks:
'Gary my boy, do you *always* have to get such feisty little sluts for your nights?!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wv58m/the_wife_wants_to_surprise_her_husband_on_his/
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A few jokes for programmers

Programmer: My wife is expecting a baby in 6 weeks!
Friend: Is it a boy or a girl?
Programmer: Yes.
There are only 10 kinds of people in the world,
Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who expected this to be in base 3
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world,
Those who know hexadecimal, and F the rest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wv55q/a_few_jokes_for_programmers/
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There's a sexy new teacher at school

In grammar class, she asks who can say a sentence including an expression of politeness. Naughty Johnny raises his hand.
'I would be most delighted to make out with you Miss Campbell... and bang you, too!'
Miss Campbell blushes and yells:
'Out!'
Naughty Johnny gets his things and walks towards the door, when suddenly Miss Campbell says:
'Not you... the others!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wv3o3/theres_a_sexy_new_teacher_at_school/
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Monica Blue

Knock knock.
Whos there?
Monica Blue.
Monica Blue who?
Bill Clinton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wv2tc/monica_blue/
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Bubble Butt

A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose weight fast."
The doctor replies, "Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt."
Two months later, she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was."
But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down. He asks, "Where did you get this twitch?"
The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch; I'm chewing bubble gum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wuylw/bubble_butt/
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An Irishman wants to rob a London bank...

An Irishman wants to rob a major London bank, but he is worried that his thick Irish accent will give him away. He decides to go to a language class to learn how to speak Proper English like a real Englishman.
After months of practise, he strolls into the bank with a sawn-off shotgun, and in perfect upper class English says: "I say, old chap, hand over all your money or I'll jolly well shoot your head off!"
The bank teller just looks at him. "You're Irish, aren't you?"
"WHAT?!" blurts out the Irishman, "How did you know?!"
"Well....because you've sawn your shotgun off at the wrong end"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wuuk5/an_irishman_wants_to_rob_a_london_bank/
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Nice Legs..

A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wuu2k/nice_legs/
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Temper cure...

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that.
When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wutv7/temper_cure/
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Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wusky/medication/
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A man is stranded on an island

A man is shipwrecked on an island. The man starts trying to get food, water, and all that good stuff but then he starts to get horny. He later finds this dog. He brings the dog down to the shore every night and they watch the sun go down. Every night he tries scooting closer to the dog, but the dog just growls at him. The next evening, he sees a figure emerge from the water. It's Hilary Clinton. When he meets her, and she tells him, "I'll do anything for you, I mean ANYTHING, if you just ask me." And the man says, "Oh, well can you hold that dog down for one second?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wusk7/a_man_is_stranded_on_an_island/
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I saw my sister watching the show "Dexter" yesterday..

I thought it was a pretty weird show, but then again, I have seen stranger things on Netflix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wurcl/i_saw_my_sister_watching_the_show_dexter_yesterday/
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An anti-semantic walks into a synagogue.

The linguists in the group are offended and leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wuqy1/an_antisemantic_walks_into_a_synagogue/
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Enough with the Gay jokes

Cum on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wupvf/enough_with_the_gay_jokes/
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I had a sudden, albeit extremely belated, realization about Jared from Subway

His career ended the way it began: trying to get into smaller pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wuo1s/i_had_a_sudden_albeit_extremely_belated/
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A Dutch, A German and A French stranded on an Island..

They Screamed "Help!" Into the Jungle but nobody answered.
The next day they did the same but nobody answered and nobody came to help. The next day they did it again and finally someone came to help them. It were some native people who lived there for a looong time. The leader of them said in a perfect English "Greetings fellow people I am Kunta Kinte. I am the leader of this tribe. We are cannibals and we are going to eat every single one of you." The Dutch, the German and the French started to panic. But then the leader said "BUT! When you bring me the prettiest fruit you find, you may live." The Dutch, the German and the French ran into the Jungle and searched for hours. After 3 hours the German came back with a Cherry and a strawberry and gave it the leader of the tribe. "Now.. put it up your Butt. If you laugh I will kill you. If you don't you live here in peace and marry my beautiful daughter." So the German picked up the Cherry and put it inside his Butt. No Problem. Then he picked up the strawberry tried to put it in his Butt but he laughed and got stabbed in the chest. 2 hours later the Dutch came and had an Apple and an Orange. He gave it the leader of the tribe and he said again: "Now.. put it up your Butt. If you laugh I will kill you. If you don't you live here in peace and marry my beautiful daughter." So the Dutch did. He did it with the Apple, easy peasy, but laughed at the Orange. The German and the Dutch meet in Heaven and the German said "Do you had to put some fruit in your Butt? I managed the Cherry but the Strawberry tickled too much and I laughed and got stabbed in the chest!" The Dutch replies "Yes I had to. I managed to put the Apple in my Butt but just when I wanted to start with the Orange i saw the French coming out of the Jungle with a watermelon and an Pineapple.."
I hope you enjoyed this Joke as I did as a Kid. I am sorry for my Bad English! First Post btw. Have fun and a nice day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wunxm/a_dutch_a_german_and_a_french_stranded_on_an/
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First Condom

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wumri/first_condom/
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A world without women...

Would be such a pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wulm9/a_world_without_women/
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How did Jeffrey Dahmer make alphabet soup?

With 26 characters he met at a party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wul2k/how_did_jeffrey_dahmer_make_alphabet_soup/
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My friend called me today and said he was going to kill himself by jumping off of a cliff that overlooked a body of water unless I stopped specifying the names of geological formations for him.

I said back, "That's a bluff".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wui8t/my_friend_called_me_today_and_said_he_was_going/
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If you made a triangle with sticks...

would it be twigonometry?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wublj/if_you_made_a_triangle_with_sticks/
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Some obscure number you've never heard of

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wubit/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What article of clothing is round and rubbery?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wu9ti/what_article_of_clothing_is_round_and_rubbery/
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A mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician are hunting deer...

Hiding behind a fallen tree, they see a buck at the other end of the field. The mathematician takes out his rifle, aims, and fires. The bullet misses twenty feet to the left.
The engineer takes out her rifle, aims, adjusts for the wind, and fires. The bullet misses twenty feet to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wu8py/a_mathematician_an_engineer_and_a_statistician/
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What did the depressed dolphin say?

I need a porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wu8dh/what_did_the_depressed_dolphin_say/
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What do you call a jockey that doesn't get blowjobs?

A headless horseman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wu6cq/what_do_you_call_a_jockey_that_doesnt_get_blowjobs/
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As a kleptomaniac, I demand my rights...

And that guy's rights... And his pen...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wu617/as_a_kleptomaniac_i_demand_my_rights/
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My Japanese dentist became a woman.

He’s a trans zen dentalist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wu4a2/my_japanese_dentist_became_a_woman/
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How do you get last place in the Rio jokes olympics.

You tell a Rio bad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wu2s4/how_do_you_get_last_place_in_the_rio_jokes/
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Takes a second to understand.

The more suicidal people, the less suicidal people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wu0ih/takes_a_second_to_understand/
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I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$200 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wtywa/i_was_in_a_job_interview_today_when_the_manager/
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wtwt6/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
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Does Hilary's scandal compare to Bill's?

I'd say it's close, but no cigar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wtws7/does_hilarys_scandal_compare_to_bills/
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A girl told me she liked teasing

So we went into the bedroom and I told her that she had a weird, misshapen nose and she suddenly started crying.
Women and their mixed messages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wtr26/a_girl_told_me_she_liked_teasing/
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A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.

He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"
He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wtqkm/a_rich_lady_is_riding_along_with_her_chauffeur/
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I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional.  I've seen it all before.  Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out."
I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wtj51/i_went_to_the_doctors_office_the_other_day_and/
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So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar

Just kidding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wthtr/so_stephen_hawking_walked_into_a_bar/
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What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike?

Look ma, no hands!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wthpi/what_did_the_amputee_say_to_his_mom_when_he/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wth1n/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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A married couple and a single man are stranded on an island

After a few weeks the single man is getting very horny.  The married woman one day whispers to him, "I'd love to help you out but my husband wouldn't stand for it, and as you know, it's a tiny island with only one tree."  The single man says, "It's ok.  I'll think of something."  Every day they take turns climbing the tree to search the horizon for passing ships. One day it is the single man's turn and he looks down at the couple and yells,"Hey!  Quit that fucking down there!"  The married man is confused, because he's sitting at least 10 feet away from his wife.  The next day it's the married man's turn in the tree.  After a while he looks down and thinks to himself, "Well I'll be damned.  It DOES look like they're fucking from up here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wtfek/a_married_couple_and_a_single_man_are_stranded_on/
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What's the programmer's favorite drug?

A line of code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wtafv/whats_the_programmers_favorite_drug/
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wt9b0/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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Slow Down Love

5 minutes before landing in Melbourne the pilot says to the passengers
' Good morning everyone, we hope you enjoyed your flight with Qantas. It is currently 14 degrees and cloudy. Have a great day' After the speech the pilot puts the mic down forgetting to mute it. So the other pilot goes on to saying...
' So what are u going to do when we land'?
'Well first im gonna get something to eat, take a shit then im gonna bang the blonde flight attendant at the back. The flight attendant runs to front trying to warn the pilot to turn the mic off when she suddenly trips over an old ladies hand bag. The old lady looks down and says.
' Slow down love he has to take a shit first'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wt84a/slow_down_love/
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Olympic Sailing results are in!

Denmark have taken gold
Finland have taken silver
Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wt6nf/olympic_sailing_results_are_in/
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What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wt23b/whats_the_difference_between_prayer_in_church_and/
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Two nuns in an alleyway

Two nuns were walking down an alleyway when a flasher jumps out. The first nun had a stroke but the second couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wt1h2/two_nuns_in_an_alleyway/
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Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?

Because Africa isn't a country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wsxxx/why_hasnt_africa_ever_won_olympic_gold_in/
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What's black and always in the back of a police car?

The seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wswxj/whats_black_and_always_in_the_back_of_a_police_car/
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Dentist: this is gonna hurt a lot

Me: ok
Dentist: I've been sleeping with your wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wspne/dentist_this_is_gonna_hurt_a_lot/
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An American, a Japanese and a Russian scientist are chilling in the park

Suddenly, the American just starts talking about a seemingly random topic that had nothing to do with their conversation. After a few minutes, he turns towards the Japanese and the Russian and says:
'Oh sorry guys, this is the newest technology in the US. It was my wife calling me. See, I have this minuscule device in my ear that both allows me to hear her and speak to her.'
The Japanese and the Russian nod, both of them are quite impressed. A bit later, the same thing happens with the Japanese; he just starts talking in his mother tongue for a few minutes. When he's done, he turns towards his colleagues and says:
'Oh sorry guys, this is the newest technology in Japan. It was my wife calling me. See, I have this minuscule device attached to my tongue that both allows me to hear her and speak to her.'
The American and the Russian are both quite impressed. A little while later, the Russian suddenly stands up and walks to a bush. The American and the Japanese, shocked, look at him as the Russian lowers his pants and crouches.
'Newest technology in Russia,' he mutters. 'Fax incoming...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wskkf/an_american_a_japanese_and_a_russian_scientist/
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What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer?

Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wsjml/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
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A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days. The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wsj94/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_get_into_a_car_accident_and/
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Why did Hitler's SS soldiers love animals?

They were all veteran aryans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wsgnd/why_did_hitlers_ss_soldiers_love_animals/
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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system

as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them their altitude, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather. He advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his copilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."
All of the passengers hear it.
As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says, "Don't forget the coffee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wsfgy/on_a_passenger_flight_the_pilot_comes_over_the/
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King of the jungle

A lion strolls proudly through the jungle. He happens upon a monkey and roars: "Who is the king of the jungle?!" The monkey nearly pisses himself and grovels before the lion: "You, you, lion, are the king of the jungle!" So the lion lets the monkey run off, nodding in approval. He continues his morning walk. It's his domain, after all. A lone gazelle drinking from a pond fails to see the lion in time and the lion sneaks up behind him and roars: "Who is the king of the jungle?!" The gazelle nearly shits himself and begs the lion to have mercy: "You, oh great lion! You are the king of the jungle! Please spare me!" And the lion, having eaten earlier, decides to let the creature go. It is true power to show mercy. He continues onwards and happens to cross paths with an elephant. He looks up at the elephant and roars mightily: "Who is the king of the jungle?!" The elephant, unphased, coils his trunk around the lion's throat, lifts him off the ground, spins him around a couple of times and throws him up to dangle from a tree. The lion, gobsmacked, yells down at the elephant: "No need to get all pissy if you don't know!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wsf06/king_of_the_jungle/
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Mexican magician to audience: I'll disappear on the count of three. "Unos", "Dos", *poof*

They disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wsdxt/mexican_magician_to_audience_ill_disappear_on_the/
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I opened the door and said "Honey, I'm home...", she didn't reply

She just stood still in the glass jar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wsd0i/i_opened_the_door_and_said_honey_im_home_she/
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My dick is good at math.

What I'm trying to say is that it's the small things that count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ws7ka/my_dick_is_good_at_math/
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So I just learned ejaculation comes out at 27mph.

That makes it illegal in a School zone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ws4dc/so_i_just_learned_ejaculation_comes_out_at_27mph/
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No lettuce.

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any lettuce? " The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of lettuce, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the lettuce is. The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of lettuce, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the lettuce, I need some lettuce right now!" The stockboy, getting frustated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your lettuce from the back." The lady agrees and the man starts the questions. "Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. " The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuck, as in lettuce. " She replies "There is no Fuck in lettuce?" To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wrw94/no_lettuce/
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The Irish Prostitue

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wruv2/the_irish_prostitue/
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A woman turns to her husband

on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’  Her husband replies, ‘Why not?  I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wrs58/a_woman_turns_to_her_husband/
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What do you call a rifle that has been fired recently?

A shotgun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wrp82/what_do_you_call_a_rifle_that_has_been_fired/
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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wrn9z/as_a_bagpiper_i_play_many_gigs/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent." -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wrkxi/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_went_on_a_camping/
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I want to tell a joke about infrastructure spending in the UK

but only people in London will get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wrkc1/i_want_to_tell_a_joke_about_infrastructure/
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What's black and steals your change?

Vending machines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wrkaw/whats_black_and_steals_your_change/
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A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist

are all waiting at the bus stop for the bus to take them to the mental institution.
The zoophile says: "I'm bored. Let's fuck a cat!"
The sadist says: "Let's fuck a cat, then kill it!"
The necrophile says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, and then fuck it again!"
The pyromaniac says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, fuck it again, and then set it on fire!"
The masochist says: "Meow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wrk84/a_zoophile_a_sadist_a_necrophile_a_pyromaniac_and/
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59

It's like a 69, but one person is in a wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wrjpq/59/
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Potentially offensive Muslim pick-up line [NSFW]

Hey girl, are you prayer?  Because I'd love to do you 5 times a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wrg0t/potentially_offensive_muslim_pickup_line_nsfw/
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A robot walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve robots!"
Robot says, "Oh, but someday you will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wrcuo/a_robot_walks_into_a_bar/
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Bill Gates dies and goes to Heaven

St. Peter is waiting for Bill Gates at the pearly gates of heaven
"Well Bill, you're not Christian, but since you've led a good life, I'll let you choose where you end up."
St. Peter shows Bill a video of heaven - people praising god, floating on clouds, etc.
"Eh, that place looks kind of boring. What else do you have for me?"
He then shows Bill a video of hell - a bunch of people playing video games and talking tech.
"That place looks awesome! I'll go there."
*Poof* - Bill is sent to hell.
A moment later, Bill shouts up to St. Peter, "What the hell man? I'm burning up down here!"
"Oh, sorry, that was the screensaver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wrcro/bill_gates_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Man was arrested after going from pharmacy to pharmacy stealing Viagra pills

A man went from pharmacy to pharmacy stealing only Viagra pills. Eventually the cops were able to track him down and had him cornered and were ready to arrest him. Panicking, the perp swallowed all of the pills in an attempt to get rid of them. He's now doing 10-15 years hard time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wr8br/man_was_arrested_after_going_from_pharmacy_to/
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Two men and a woman are stranded on an island

after a plane crash. Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:
"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to the first guy, "and the other day it's the other".
And so they have a whale of time taking turns, enjoying their business together for one whole month. However, unfortunately, the woman dies after that month, because of a rotten banana or whatever. The two men mourn the loss of their playmate and partner for the following week. Then, one man goes to the other and says:
"Okay man, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you, and the other day it's me."
And so they have a good time taking turns, enjoying their business together for one whole month. The first man then goes to the other and says:
"Okay man, I need to talk to you.
\- Yeah, me too actually.
\- We had a fun month, but I think we should stop.
\- Yeah, I felt this way too. I feel what we're doing is not natural.
\- That's right. Let's stop."
So they nod their head in common understanding. The second man then says:
"Well then, shall we bury her?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wr69z/two_men_and_a_woman_are_stranded_on_an_island/
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There should be a multi-event competition for finding out who the funniest people in the world are.

We could call it the LOLympics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wr5vo/there_should_be_a_multievent_competition_for/
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Watching the olympics women beach volleyball first round...

There's already been a wrist injury,  but I should be ok by tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wr5t7/watching_the_olympics_women_beach_volleyball/
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Why did the stripper need more insurance?

She had little to no coverage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wr3ks/why_did_the_stripper_need_more_insurance/
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A man was driving along the highway...

... and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave!!..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wqyuf/a_man_was_driving_along_the_highway/
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What type of fruit do twins prefer?

Pears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wqysz/what_type_of_fruit_do_twins_prefer/
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Chinese girl for her number

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wqxyj/chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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Bakers trade bread recipes...

on a knead-to-know basis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wqrjy/bakers_trade_bread_recipes/
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I'm not real familiar with who this Rorschach guy is...

...but he sure loves painting pictures of naked dudes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wqreu/im_not_real_familiar_with_who_this_rorschach_guy/
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A guy went to the hairdressers...

and sat down in the chair.
The hairdresser, a very attractive woman, places the cloak over him and gets to work. After a few minutes she notices that the cloak is moving up and down around the area of his crotch. Disgusted she whips the cloak off him
"How dare you do that in my salon!"
But the man looks at her incredulously and hold up a pair of glasses
"I'm just cleaning my glasses," he says
The woman blushes and starts to apologise when the man continued
"They're absolutely covered in semen."
(Credit goes to Tim Minchin)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wqq1q/a_guy_went_to_the_hairdressers/
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My Son’s #1 Concern

When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wqock/my_sons_1_concern/
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There was a young barmaid...

There was a young barmaid from Sail,
On her breasts were the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind;
Was the same information in braille.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wqmic/there_was_a_young_barmaid/
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What happened when Isaac Newton met the apple?

He found the apple was a surprisingly down-to-Earth kinda guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wqj13/what_happened_when_isaac_newton_met_the_apple/
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What's the difference between a Russian Potato and a U.S. Potato?

The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wqfne/whats_the_difference_between_a_russian_potato_and/
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Currently, the Olympic host country has...

One brazillian medals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wqdj1/currently_the_olympic_host_country_has/
%
Dirty Jokes for Grandma

A sailor comes to port, and decides he really needs to get laid. So he walks into town, and sees a sign- "Sisters of Mercy Convent & Brothel". He walks into what appears to be a church. There's a nun sitting by a table near the door. She intuits what it is he's looking for, and says, put $5 in this tin cup and walk through that door. The sailor does so, and enters another room, and there's another nun, with a table and a cup. $10, she says, and go through that door. The sailor goes into a third room, where a third nun with a table and cup asks for $15, and go through that door. The sailor coughs up the dough, and walks through the door. It slams and locks behind him, and he is in an alley behind the church, facing a brick wall with a large sign- "You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wqc6e/dirty_jokes_for_grandma/
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"I've been in 3 emotionally abusive relationships"

Said Dave to his new friend.
"I'm so sorry!"
"Huh. I had them thinking it was their fault as well"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wq86p/ive_been_in_3_emotionally_abusive_relationships/
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The bartender Say's "Free"

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "free". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "free". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wq5lw/the_bartender_says_free/
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Why it feels so hard to break up with a japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wq3uw/why_it_feels_so_hard_to_break_up_with_a_japanese/
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What does a doctor prescribe a hardcore porn actress, when her vagina is too swollen to work?

Antifistamines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wq19u/what_does_a_doctor_prescribe_a_hardcore_porn/
%
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way, but his food will become a pizza history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpyut/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that_died/
%
My roommate confronted me yesterday...

Do you think I'm a nosy bastard?
No! Of course not!
Then why did you write that in your diary!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpwyv/my_roommate_confronted_me_yesterday/
%
A german, italian, and american chat in a bar..

A German, an Italian, and an American chat in a bar.
The German says:  "my wife goes 0 to 100 in 7 seconds!"
"How so?" replies the Italian.
"I bought her a Porsche" replies the German.
"bah! my wife goes 0 to 100 in 5 seconds!!" the Italian states.
"really?? how?" asks the German.
"I bought her a Ferrari!!" smirks the Italian.
"my wife goes 0-100 in 2 seconds" replies the American.
"impossible!! how???" both say the German and Italian.
"I bought her a weigh scale!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpwtk/a_german_italian_and_american_chat_in_a_bar/
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An old man wants to get life insurance

The employee working at the insurance company asks:
'How old are you, sir?'
'I'm 102.'
'102?! And you wanna get life insurance at *your* age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.'
'Tomorrow ain't good. We'll be celebrating my dad's birthday.'
'Your dad's birthday?! How old is he?'
'He's 139.'
'Okay, come back next week then.'
'Next week is definitely a bad time for me. We're gonna have a week-long party for my grandfather's wedding.'
'Your grandfather's weddig?! How old is he?'
'He's 164.'
'And he wants to get married at *his* age?'
'Nah, he doesn't, it's just that his parents are forcing him...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpvcz/an_old_man_wants_to_get_life_insurance/
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What did one boob say to the other boob?

You're my breast friend.
Badum-tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpvak/what_did_one_boob_say_to_the_other_boob/
%
A buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."
When the guy hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun.
The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?"
And the monk replies "this IS my inner piece."
Suddenly a bystander calls out. "I've called the cops! They'll be here any minute!"
The vendor, expecting the monk to flee the scene, is quite surprised to see that the monk makes no motion to leave, even as the sounds of police sirens fill the street.
"Aren't you going to run away?" he asks.
The monk shakes his head and replies, "Namaste."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpv43/a_buddhist_goes_to_a_hot_dog_stand_and_says/
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The teacher, Miss Brown, goes to school in a mini-skirt

At some point, Little Matt whispers to his friend:
'I saw Miss Brown's thighs!'
Miss Brown hears the comment.
'You cheeky brat! Get out of here right now, I don't wanna see you for three days!'
A while later, Little Timmy whispers to his friend:
'I saw Miss Brown's ass!'
Miss Brown hears that too.
'You should be ashamed of yourself, Timmy! Get out of here at once, I don't wanna see you in school for a week!'
As Little Timmy stands up to leave, Little Johnny joins him as well.
'Johnny, where are *you* going?'
'Miss Brown, based on what I saw, I don't think I'm coming to school again this year.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpt65/the_teacher_miss_brown_goes_to_school_in_a/
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Friend of mine said "What rhymes with orange"

I said "No it doesn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wps6m/friend_of_mine_said_what_rhymes_with_orange/
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D.E.L.T.A. Airlines

Didn't Even Leave The Airport

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpq2l/delta_airlines/
%
What's the easiest way to condense milk?

Mlk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wppcx/whats_the_easiest_way_to_condense_milk/
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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.
'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll take their place. However, you can choose whose place you want to take.
'Oh, that sounds okay I guess' says Bush.
Satan leads him to the first room and opens the door. In this room, there's a huge swimming pool. In it, Reagan is drowning. He goes down, then up, then down, then up, and he's gasping for air all the while.
'Oh, no,' says Bush. 'That's not for me, I'm a poor swimmer.'
Satan opens the second door. The room is full of rocks and they see Nixon trying to break up the rocks with a wooden hammer.
'Nah, I have problems with my shoulders and my back, that'd be such a painful thing to do day after day.'
So Satan opens the third door. In the room, they see Clinton lying on the floor, all tied up. Monica Lewinsky is lying on top of Clinton, giving him a blowjob. Bush stares at the scene with a wide smile and says:
'Ah, that I could endure!'
'Alright,' laughs Satan. 'Monica, you're free to go!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpnme/george_bush_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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A priest was assigned to a new church

He was really stressed out during his first mass; he could barely speak to the people. Before his second mass, he visited his superior and asked him how to suppress his nervousness. His superior told him to add some vodka into his water and after a few sips, he'd immediatly feel more relaxed.
Next Sunday, the priest decides to heed his suprior's advice. And indeed, after drinking with a full glass, he felt like he could speak in front of even thousands of people.
The next morning, he didn't remember that much from the previous day's events, but he was sure he wasn't nervous at all. When he got up, he noticed a letter from his superior on his nightstand. He opened it and started reading.
'Dear Brother,
1 - Next time, only have a few sips and don't down that drink at once.
2 - We don't put ice cubes and lime into the mass chalice.
3 - The Bible is not a coaster.
4 - The tablecloth on the altar is not a napkin.
5 - There are ten commandments, and not twelve.
6 - There were twelve disciples, and not ten.
7 - We don't refer to the cross as "that bigass T".
8 - We don't refer to Jesus and his disciples as "DJ JC and the Gang".
9 - David beat Goliath with a sling, he didn't "destroy that fucker's ass with a Magnum 357".
10 - It was the snake that was slithering on the apple tree, and not "God's dick".
11 - We don't refer to Judas as "that dickhead".
12 - The Pope is holy, he isn't "our mate" and we don't call him "the Godfather".
13 - We don't refer to "the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit" as "the Big Daddy, the Lil' Dude and the Crypt Fugitive".
14 - Judas betrayed Jesus for thirty silver coins at the Mount of Olives, and not for "two cents at the Chinese market".
And besides, sinners go to hell, and don't "piss off to party with our boy Satan".'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpmj9/a_priest_was_assigned_to_a_new_church/
%
The dad asks his son: "What has four legs and isn't alive?

Son: "nice try, a chair!"
Dad: "Nope. Our dog just died."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpm8v/the_dad_asks_his_son_what_has_four_legs_and_isnt/
%
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall...

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa."
The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpl2k/a_little_boy_was_lost_at_a_large_shopping_mall/
%
A 50 year-old woman decides to spend a lot of money on her birthday...

...on cosmetics, wrinkle reduction treatments, a new hairdo, new clothes, etc. When she decides she's done the most she could, she feels really good about herself and decides to go for a walk.
First, she enters a shop to buy a magazine. While she's paying, she asks the cashier:
'How old do you think I am?'
'Thirty-four.'
'I'm fifty!' she says, and she leaves very content.
She goes into a McDonalds and while paying, she asks the cashier:
'How old do you think I am?'
'Thirty-one.'
'I'm exactly fifty!'
She's truly in heaven when she notices an elderly chap waiting for the bus at a stop. She approaches him with a big smile and asks:
'Sir, how old do you think I am?'
'Look, m'am, I'm over eighty-five, my sight isn't what it used to be, but I have an infallible technique to establish your age. If you'll allow me, I'll go under your bra and I'll be able to say exactly how old you are.'
The woman was definitely not expecting this, but she was really curious so she accepted. They hid behind some bushes and the old man put his hands under her bra. He went around the whole area, nicely and softly. He lifted her breasts, he cupped them, squeezed them a little bit. The woman grew impatient.
'So?'
'M'am, you're exactly fifty!'
The woman couldn't believe it.
'How the hell do you know that with such exactitude?!'
'I was standing behind you in the queue at McDonalds.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpji8/a_50_yearold_woman_decides_to_spend_a_lot_of/
%
Little Jenny isn't a very good student

She gives an especially poor performance at religion classes. One day, the teacher asks Little Jenny a question.
'So Jenny, could you tell me who created the world?'
Little Jenny is thinking hard, but she doesn't really now the answer. Suddenly, Little Johnny who's sitting behind her stabs her with a needle.
'Dear God!' screams Little Jenny.
'Wonderful!' says the teacher, obviously satisfied with the answer.
A little while later, the teacher asks another question.
'And so Jenny, how do we call Our Savior, the Son of God?'
Little Johnny stabs Little Jenny again with the needle.
'Sweet Jesus!' she cries out.
'The answer is correct! And could you tell me what Eve said to Adam when their twenty-third child was born?'
Little Johnny stabs her a third time and Little Jenny shouts:
'If you stab me with that another time, I'll rip off your balls!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wphte/little_jenny_isnt_a_very_good_student/
%
A reporter, a foodie and a commando are captured by terrorists

The terrorist leader tells them that they each get one request.
The reporter says "Well I have been a proud reporter all my life. I would like to make a video and report the situation one last time before I die"
Terrorist says "OK" and allows him to make the report.
Then he asks the foodie what his request is.
The foodie says "Well I love the local food so I would like to try the local meat stew one last time"
The terrorist allows him his request.
He then turns to the commando and says what his wish is.
The commando replies "I want you to punch me in the face"
The terrorist says "With pleasure!" and punches him in the face!
The very next second, the commando whips out his concealed weapon, shoots the terrorist leader dead, empties his magazine on  other terrorists, grabs one of the slain terrorists AK47 and shoots dead 12 more, and beats up the last remaining terrorist with the stock of the rifle in a very brutal manner.
The reporter and the foodie say "Sir, why didn't you do that first?"
And the commando replies "What? And have you two assholes report that I was the aggressor?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wphgt/a_reporter_a_foodie_and_a_commando_are_captured/
%
New glasses

"New glasses? They look super, man!"
Clark Kent begins to sweat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wphc8/new_glasses/
%
A dude walks into his assistant's office

He really likes the woman and has been wanting to sleep with her for ages, but the assistant has a boyfriend. One day though, he walks into her office and says:
'I'll give you $500 if you sleep with me!'
'Heck, no. Besides, I have a boyfriend!'
'But I'll be really quick! I'll just drop the money on the floor, you'll bend over to pick it up and I'll be done in a jiffy!'
'Hmm... I'll think about it. You know what? I'll call my boyfriend.'
So she calls her boyfriend and explains what the deal is about.
'Ask for $1,000, at least! And don't worry about it, it's really simple. All you have to do is pick up the money super quickly from the floor, and then he won't even have the time to lower his pants! Call me as soon as you have the money.'
So the assistant accepts her boss' deal.
A half an hour passes and the boyfriend still hasn't received a call. An hour passes, still no call. The boyfriend is getting really nervous when finally after two hours, his girlfriend calls him.
'Honey, it was horrible, he only had coins!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpgw1/a_dude_walks_into_his_assistants_office/
%
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole.

They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses." -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpgpy/there_was_a_papa_mole_a_momma_mole_and_a_baby_mole/
%
Alcohol and calculus don't go together very well.

Don't drink and derive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpff6/alcohol_and_calculus_dont_go_together_very_well/
%
How do they launch a champagne factory?

They throw a boat at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpf35/how_do_they_launch_a_champagne_factory/
%
What's the difference between amnesia and alzheimers?

I can't remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpd8w/whats_the_difference_between_amnesia_and/
%
If there's three people, it's usually a threesome. If there's two people, it's called a twosome. And if a guy is single?

He's usually called handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpa6e/if_theres_three_people_its_usually_a_threesome_if/
%
I farted in a room full of hipsters?

They argued for two hours about who heard it first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wp7rc/i_farted_in_a_room_full_of_hipsters/
%
The Priest and the Drunkard

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin sticks out of his torn coat pocket.
He opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"It's caused by loose living, cheap women and too much alcohol!"
"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest thinks about what he has said, nudges the man and apologizes. "I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wp745/the_priest_and_the_drunkard/
%
An american walks into a swiss bank...

The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.
After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.
He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"
The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wp4hr/an_american_walks_into_a_swiss_bank/
%
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wp48l/3_buddies_die_in_a_car_crash_they_go_to_an/
%
This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."

The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."
The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn't matter, I want to buy those women a drink."
The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads.
About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."
The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."
The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"
The first lady says, "We're lesbians."
The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"
The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussy's."
The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wp474/this_man_is_sitting_in_a_bar_and_notices_two/
%
Why did Mary fall off the swing?...

... Because she had no arms.
Knock, knock!
(Who's there?)
Well, it ain't Mary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wp3ge/why_did_mary_fall_off_the_swing/
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what u call a Bee that lives in America?

A USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wp335/what_u_call_a_bee_that_lives_in_america/
%
Why can’t Melania Trump feel her ass?

He’s away campaigning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wozyv/why_cant_melania_trump_feel_her_ass/
%
Whats brown and sticky?

My poster of rihanna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wovz2/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
An Eel asked an Eagle: do you know why we can't team up?

Eagle: No, why?
Eel: Because it would be EEL-Eagle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wotz4/an_eel_asked_an_eagle_do_you_know_why_we_cant/
%
My life was depressing and miserable but I turned that around,

Now it's miserable and depressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wos1v/my_life_was_depressing_and_miserable_but_i_turned/
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I'm a member of DAM

Mothers Against Dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wop2d/im_a_member_of_dam/
%
A group of deer...

.. go to a party. The next day, one deer says to the other
"Wow, that was a pretty crazy party." the other deer replies,
"You're telling me. I blew 50 bucks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4woolq/a_group_of_deer/
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Why are the "sans" family of fonts so serious?

No one wants to be comic sans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4won1j/why_are_the_sans_family_of_fonts_so_serious/
%
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine,

which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4woldx/dad_always_thought_laughter_was_the_best_medicine/
%
Just moved out on my own and am doing really well...

All my bills say im outstanding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wol3v/just_moved_out_on_my_own_and_am_doing_really_well/
%
An intern is "spanking it" in the laboratory.

A scientist walks into the lab and catches the intern. He is in shock. "What on Earth are you doing?" he asks. The intern does not stop. He takes notes with his other hand and watches the hydrogen ionize. The scientist comes to the conclusion that the intern and the hydrogen are meant for each other; they are both in the excited state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4woj2x/an_intern_is_spanking_it_in_the_laboratory/
%
A man returns home from the golf course...

His wife asks him why he no longer plays with Jerry, a long-time friend. He replies:"Would you enjoy playing with a swearing, rude cheat?"
His wife says "No, of course not".
Her husband answers:"Well neither does Jerry"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4woepe/a_man_returns_home_from_the_golf_course/
%
I was going to tell you a time-travel joke...

... but someone reposted it, so you will hear it then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wodt2/i_was_going_to_tell_you_a_timetravel_joke/
%
A man comes home to his wife with a duck under his arm.

He exclaims "this is the pig I've been fucking".
His wife replies "that's not a pig! That's a duck!"
Husband says "I wasn't talking to you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wocdl/a_man_comes_home_to_his_wife_with_a_duck_under/
%
Hey girl is there wifi here?

Cuz i feel a connection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wobft/hey_girl_is_there_wifi_here/
%
You make cool foam designs on top of your coffee?

Well latte-da.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4woakz/you_make_cool_foam_designs_on_top_of_your_coffee/
%
A Jew walks into a bar

mitzvah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4woaiw/a_jew_walks_into_a_bar/
%
"Dad, what is it like to not be a virgin?"

the son asked. His dad looks up from the newspaper and raises his eyebrow, bringing him in and explaining all the wonders one experiences during sex.
"Dad, I want to lose my virginity," the son states. "Alright son, I will hire a woman for you and you can have sex as long as you want." The son looks delighted and goes on his way to bed. The next day the son leaves, the dad grants him luck.
Upon returning at night his dad calls him over.
"How was it son? Come over and give me the details, come sit down."
The son stares at the dad, silent, before speaking. "I don't think I can sit down right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wo9l0/dad_what_is_it_like_to_not_be_a_virgin/
%
A polio survivor walks into a bar......

Wait I fucked it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wo8o7/a_polio_survivor_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish.

That the police would never find Penny’s body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wo88d/today_i_threw_a_penny_down_the_well_and_made_a/
%
Why was the strawberry sad?

Because her mother was in a jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wo6d2/why_was_the_strawberry_sad/
%
Einstein, Newton and Darwin are having a small argument.

Newton, a bit annoyed, says "Guys, I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation".
Einstein replies, "I think I do relatively understand it."
On which Darwin says, "Please don't let this evolve into a big fight, aight?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wo4bi/einstein_newton_and_darwin_are_having_a_small/
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I've been going to the gym for 3 weeks now with no results..

What Pokemon do I use to lose weight?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wo375/ive_been_going_to_the_gym_for_3_weeks_now_with_no/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all stuck on an island.

The redhead tries to swim home and makes a quarter of the way there, then drowns. The brunette gets a third of the way there, then drowns. The blonde gets halfway there, then gets tired, turns around and swims back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnyx5/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all_stuck/
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A guitarist was sent to jail

for fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnyge/a_guitarist_was_sent_to_jail/
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What's the one good thing about pedophiles?

They drive real slow in the school zones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wny7c/whats_the_one_good_thing_about_pedophiles/
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9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date.

Today I asked her to marry me.  She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wny42/9_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_on_a/
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How does Reddit feel about Civil War jokes?

Because personally, I General Lee don't find them funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnxzh/how_does_reddit_feel_about_civil_war_jokes/
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Harry Potter joke

Q. Why can't Snape teach Herbology?
A. He can't keep the lilies alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnxuh/harry_potter_joke/
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The US won gold in shooting

They have good schools for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnv1c/the_us_won_gold_in_shooting/
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Just went to a really emotional wedding.

Even the cake was in tiers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnucd/just_went_to_a_really_emotional_wedding/
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I just like to sleep naked...

The flight attendant could have been a bit more understanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wntwd/i_just_like_to_sleep_naked/
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A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator..

..As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out "You know what.. I don't like Chinese people too much." Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why. "Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!" Shocked, the Chinese man responds "That was the Japanese.." The Jew snapped back "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same."
Understandably perturbed, the Chinese man retorts: "Well you know what? I don't really like Jews too much.." Expectedly, the Jewish man asks him why. "Because you guys sunk the Titanic!" Flabbergasted, the Jewish man exclaims, "What are you talking about!? That was an iceberg.."
"Iceberg, Greenberg, Steinberg, you're all the same!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnsd6/a_chinese_man_and_a_jewish_man_are_in_an_elevator/
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bleakest Russian joke i know

"children! Your father hanged himself for some peace and quiet, not so you could have a swing-set!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnp4g/bleakest_russian_joke_i_know/
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Say what you want about Russian Athletes

But their training regimen is pretty dope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnotc/say_what_you_want_about_russian_athletes/
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.  The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnjg9/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed...

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnjde/a_woman_was_sick_of_her_husband_always_farting_in/
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I have sex daily.

I mean dyslexia. Fcuk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnhsk/i_have_sex_daily/
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I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wngat/i_recently_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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A blonde walks into a restaurant...

A blonde walks into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is free lunch." But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads: "W I N A B A G E L"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnewe/a_blonde_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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A few years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.

Now we have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope..
Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnem2/a_few_years_ago_we_had_steve_jobs_johnny_cash_and/
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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60

She's 93 now and we don't know where the hell she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wndu6/my_grandmother_started_walking_five_miles_a_day/
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What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

We really do taste like chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wndb0/what_did_the_lesbian_frog_say_to_the_other/
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A man had to visit a hospital after inserting five toy horses up his anus...

... the doctors described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnbpd/a_man_had_to_visit_a_hospital_after_inserting/
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George Bush is with the Queen of England.

George: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?"
"Well" said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
George frowned and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?"
The Queen: "Easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron, would you come in here, please?"
David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, ma'am?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me, ma'am."
"Very good! Thank you, David!" said the Queen.
Then she turned to George with a smile and said "See?"
Now its George's turn to apply the same logic...
George went back to the USA and asked Jeb.. "Jeb, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure." said Jeb. "Let me get back to you on that one..."
Jeb went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer...
Finally, he ran into Obama and asked, "Hey, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"..
Obama answered, "That's easy, it's me!"
Jeb said, "Thanks!"
Then he went back to George. "I did some thinking and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Barack Obama."
George slapped him. and shouted.. "No! You dumb idiot! It's David Cameron."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wnaq7/george_bush_is_with_the_queen_of_england/
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A man went to a costume party

wearing nothing but a pair of jeans. The host, very displeased, came over to him complaining that he wasn't dressed up in costume. The man smiled and said "no worries mate, I'm a premature ejaculation."
"I just came in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wn87r/a_man_went_to_a_costume_party/
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2 Facts about me!

1. my penis is as long as 7 chicken nuggets
2. im permanently banned from every mcdonalts restaurant !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wn505/2_facts_about_me/
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I started writing a musical about puns

It's going to be a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wn0bv/i_started_writing_a_musical_about_puns/
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Two beets.

One day two beets, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured beet called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured beet was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured beet, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wn0bs/two_beets/
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What do you call an emo vegetable?

A despair-agus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmzxg/what_do_you_call_an_emo_vegetable/
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What do vegetarian maggots eat?

Linda Mccartney...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmzx8/what_do_vegetarian_maggots_eat/
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What do they call aborted fetuses in Prague?

Cancelled Czechs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmz5d/what_do_they_call_aborted_fetuses_in_prague/
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It's Timmy's last day of school...

Timmy brings an apple for Ms. Macintosh, a banana for Mr. Peel, a melon for Coach Honeydew, and so on.
As the years pass by, the only one he really stays in touch with is Mrs. Cox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmz1y/its_timmys_last_day_of_school/
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Grandma started obsessively washing her windows several times each week...

...I asked her what's up with that, I mean - they're sparkling clean already, you don't have to do that.
She replied:
Someone called me last week and told me that my windows installation had a serious virus infestation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmysb/grandma_started_obsessively_washing_her_windows/
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What do you call a lazy baker?

A loafer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmxxp/what_do_you_call_a_lazy_baker/
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I had a friend from Ukraine.

Now he's from Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmxhi/i_had_a_friend_from_ukraine/
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My un-dadly dad just made his first dad joke

While we are playing cards and I'm getting my ass kicked:
Me: This is the face of defeat.
Dad: Want to draw a face on my foot?
Me: Why?
Dad: It's the face of defeat...
edits: formatting from mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmwpi/my_undadly_dad_just_made_his_first_dad_joke/
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I'm trying to tell a Pokemon joke to my brother but he just doesn't get it.

He's a slowbro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmwix/im_trying_to_tell_a_pokemon_joke_to_my_brother/
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Why are politicians buried 6 feet under?

Because deep down, they're good people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmud3/why_are_politicians_buried_6_feet_under/
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Three construction workers......

......an English, a Scotish and an Irish are working on a sky scraper. The Englishman opens his sandwich box and exclaims "Bloody hell, ham and cheese again! I swear, if I have ham and cheese again tomorrow, I'm going to throw myself off this building!" The Scotsman then proceeds to open his sandwich box and exclaims "Aye, I've got fucking chicken mayo again, if I have this tomorrow I'll throw myself off this building as well!" The Irishman opens his lunch and says "I've got bacon again! If I have bacon again tomorrow, I'll join you in jumping off this building!"
So the next day the three men open their sandwich boxes and all have the same filling as the day before, so they all proceed to jump off the sky scraper. A few days later, at their funerals, their wives stood weeping. "If I would have known Pete didn't want ham and cheese then I would have mixed it up!" Said the English man's wife. The Scotsman's wife nodded "Yes, If i knew Stephen didn't want chicken mayo then I would have made something different too." The Irishman's wife was crying harder than all and simply said "I just don't understand... Paddy always made his own sandwiches"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wms16/three_construction_workers/
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Office Presentation

The boss wanted to start my presentation with a joke....
So I added a picture of my salary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmr46/office_presentation/
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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her family

Her parents invite him for dinner at their home. They all sit down at the table, while the dog lies down under it, and they start eating.
At some point, the dude feels like he really needs to fart. He tries to suppress the awkward feeling, but he can't and farts a big one.
'Rufus!' yells the father at the dog.
The new boyfriend is relieved: the whole family thinks the dog farted! They continue eating, but after a while the dude needs to do it again. 'It worked once, it can work again,' he thinks to himself, hoping the dog would take the blame once more. So he farts.
'Rufus!' yells his girlfriend's dad, quite loudly this time.
They continue eating. After a little while, the dude needs to do it again. At this point, he doesn't even try to avoid it and farts a huge one without a care in the world, with a little smile on his face. The dad exclaims:
'Rufus, I'm not kidding anymore, get the fuck out from under that table, cause this fucker might shit all over you, buddy!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmpbd/a_girl_introduces_her_new_boyfriend_to_her_family/
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Three Commanding Officers are sitting in the Officer's Quarters aboard an Aircraft Carrier.

A Marine Colonel, A Navy Lieutenant Commander overseeing the SEAL aboard the ship, and an Army Major overseeing the Rangers aboard. The Colonel turns to the other officers and says, "My men are braver than your men." The other two turn to him and say "Yeah, well prove it."
The Colonel calls in one of his men and says, "Private, I want you to jump off the side of this ship." The Private says "Yes, Sir." He walks out of the room, jumps off the ship, hits the water and dies.
The Lt. Commander turns to the other officers and says, "My men are braver than your men." The other two turn to him and say "Yeah, well prove it."
The Lt. Commander calls in one of his men and says, "Sergeant, I want you to jump off the side of this ship and swim laps around this ship until you drown." The Sergeant says "Yes, Sir." He walks out of the room, jumps off the ship, and swims around the ship until he drowns.
The Major turns to the other officers and says, "My men are braver than your men." The other two turn to him and say "Yeah, well prove it."
The Major calls in one of his men and says, "Corporal, I want you to jump off the side of this ship and swim into the prop." The Corporal looks at the Major dead in the eye, and says "Fuck you, Sir" and walks out of the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmo6b/three_commanding_officers_are_sitting_in_the/
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Lucy is working on the fields

Lucy, a really hot girl, is working on the fields. Stevey walks by and starts talking to her.
'Gee, Lucy, you're smoking hot. I'd really love to touch your breasts.'
'Oiii, what do you think you're doing Stevey?!'
'Lucy, I'll give you $100 if you'll allow me to touch them!'
'Eh... well, if you give me $100, then it's okay.'
Stevey gives her the money and procedes. After the deed, Stevey continues:
'Listen, Lucy, you're so sexy, I'd really like to go down between your legs. I'll give you another $100!'
'Well if you give me $100, then it's fine, but let's go over there behind that bush.'
Stevey gives her the money and procedes. After a while, he continues:
'Look Lucy, I really want you, now. We're already here behind the bush, so you know what? I'll give you $1,000 if I can have you right here, right now!'
'Sure, but the money first,' she says.
After the deed, Stevey says:
'Okay, now I have to go.'
Lucy gets dressed and continues her work on the fields. Soon, her boss walks by.
'Hey Lucy, did Stevey come by?'
'Yeah, he sure did.'
'I sent him to you with your salary, did he give it to you?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmmuj/lucy_is_working_on_the_fields/
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Two Terrorists and A Waiter

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar. The waiter asks them what the discussion was about? Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.. Waiter :- Why a donkey? Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmmnb/two_terrorists_and_a_waiter/
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A guy's driving his truck through a huge storm

He suddenly notices a man wearing a red raincoat on the side of the road waving at him, so he pulls over. He lowers the window and aks:
'What do you want?'
'I'm the red-coated dickhead, and I'm hungry!'
After a while, the trucker just throws out his lunch to the guy and then drives on. Soon, he sees a man in a yellow raincoat on the side of the road waving at him, so he pulls over again.
'What do you want?'
'I'm the yellow-coated dickhead, and I'm thirsty!'
The trucker throws out a bottle of water to the guy and drives on. Within five minutes, he sees a third guy on the side of the road waving at him, this time wearing a black raincoat. He pulls over.
'And you, you black-coated dickhead, what the fuck do you want?!'
'License and registration...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmkvi/a_guys_driving_his_truck_through_a_huge_storm/
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Gary Smith

is employed at a small factory of a huge multinational corporation in the small town of Sandberg near LA. One day, the CEO decides to visit Gary's factory. Huge preparations are made to properly welcome the CEO. At one point, the CEO asks the following question.
'Hey, but where is Gary Smith?'
Everyone is taken by surprise, but they quickly go get Gary from the production lines of the factory.
'Hey Gary, good to see you,' says the CEO. 'Look, tonight there's this party at the hotel in LA, I'll send a limousine to go get you!'
The next morning, Gary is late for work. His boss comes to inquire.
'Gary, why are you so late?'
'Well y'know boss, we got a bit drunk with the CEO at the party yesterday, I'm a bit hungover, t'was hard to get up in the morning.'
The boss looks at him rather irritated, but prefers to let it pass. Two weeks later, the POTUS himself decides to visit the factory. Again, huge preparations are made to properly welcome the President.
'Hey, but where is Gary Smith?' asks the President once he gets there.
Again, people are extremely surprised, but they go get Gary.
'Hey Gary! Mate, how are you? I'm having a party in LA tonight, I'll send a helicopter to go get you!'
The next morning, Gary is late for work again. His boss is pretty angry. After all, Gary got drunk with the President himself the previous night... But he can't control himself and asks:
'Gary, how the f*ck do you know so many influential people?'
Gary just shrugs.
'Well y'know, I even know the Pope.'
His boss goes pale, but doesn't believe him. Gary, to prove his claim, gets on a plane with his boss and they fly directly to Rome. At the Vatican, they stop right in front of St Peter's Basilica.
'I'll go in, and in five minutes I'll wave at you with the Pope from the balcony, alright?'
Five minutes pass. The boss looks up at the balcony and to his amazement Gary is really standing there next to the Pope. The boss simply faints. A Japanese group of tourists try to reanimate him. Once the boss wakes up, the Japanese tourists ask:
'What happened to you?'
The boss weakly waves towards the balcony.
'Look... there...'
The Japanese look up and one of them suddenly asks:
'Heeeey... who's that old white-clothed man next to Gary?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmj8b/gary_smith/
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A very old man hears a knock on his door one night...

He opens it and its Death who has come to take his soul. Being the rational, death-fearing man he is, he decides to delay his demise by inviting Death in. Death agrees and is immediately treated with a lavish dinner and is given several expensive gifts. The man says "Death, since I respect you so much, I have prepared a steamy bath filled with exquisite bath salts for you as well. Won't you accept?" and Death agrees. While Death is taking his bath, the man changes Death's list of souls to collect so that his name is on the bottom. Meanwhile, Death finishes his bath and comes out.
"Wow! I've never been treated so well before by one of my clients. I think i'll do my list from the bottom up instead."
found this on /r/AskReddit but he deleted his comment :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wminr/a_very_old_man_hears_a_knock_on_his_door_one_night/
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Who cares if toilet paper is soft or not?

Only an asshole can tell the difference anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmhfj/who_cares_if_toilet_paper_is_soft_or_not/
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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.
After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit in the bank.
'$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table.
Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from.
'Gambling' she muttered.
'What kind of gambling?' the president asked.
'Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.'
'Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win.'
'Would you care to accept the bet, then?' asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone.
'Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!'
'Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?'
'Sure' said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone.
That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet.
The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet.
'So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!'
The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted... after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000!
That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall.
'What's the problem with your attorney, m'am?'
'Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmf1r/an_elderly_woman_enters_the_canadian_national/
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How can you tell when a white guy is about to tell a joke?

He glances over his shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmdvl/how_can_you_tell_when_a_white_guy_is_about_to/
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Theological debate

One day, the Pope decided he'd ban all Jews from the Vatican. The Jews understandibly got really angry about this, so the Pope proclaimed that if a Jew could manage to beat him in a theological debate, they could stay.
The Jews chose their wisest rabbi for the religious debate against the Pope. To make it more interesting, the rabbi proposed to make speaking forbidden for the duration of the debate. The Pope accepted. On the big day, the Pope and the rabbi sat down at a table and the followers of both religions gathered around them.
First, the Pope raised three fingers. Then the rabbi raised one finger.
Next, the Pope drew a circle in the air while the rabbi pointed to the ground.
Then, the Pope took out the bread and the wine. The rabbi answered by taking out an apple.
The Pope, amazed, stood up from the table.
'I give up' he said. 'You're too wise for me, rabbi. You and your fellow Jews can stay.'
Later, the cardinals asked the Pope what he talked about with the rabbi.
'First, I raised three fingers to remind him of the Holy Trinity. But he raised one finger to remind me there's only one God in both our religions. After that, I drew a circle in the air to show him God was everywhere around us. But he pointed to the ground to show that God is right here with us. Then I took out the sacramental bread and wine to show him God absolves us from our sins. However, he took out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer to everything, what could I possibly do?!'
At the same time, the Jews asked the same question from the rabbi.
'First, the Pope showed me we had three days to leave the city. But I made him understand that not even ONE Jew would leave. After that, he showed me around to say he'd cleanse the whole city from Jews. But I pointed to the ground, showing him that we'd stay right here.'
'And then?' asked the Jews.
The rabbi shrugged.
'I don't know. He took out his lunch, and so did I.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmbob/theological_debate/
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Maths class and the teacher asks the class a question

'Children, how many pigeons will we have when there are three of them sitting on a branch and we shoot one?'
Little Johnny raises his hand eagerly.
'None, of course.'
'What do you mean, none?' asks Miss Carpenter, the teacher.
'Because if we shoot one, the rest will get scared and they'll all fly away.'
'Oh, I really like the way your mind works, but that's not the answer I was expecting, because mathematically speaking two pigeons will be left sitting on that branch.'
The class continues. Towards the end, a few minutes before the bell rings, Little Johnny raises his hand again.
'Miss Carpenter, could I ask a question as well?'
'Of course, dear.'
'Three women are walking on the street. All three of them are eating ice cream: the first one is licking it, the second one is biting it, and the third one is sucking it. According to you, Miss Carpenter, which one is married?'
The teacher blushes, but answers all the same.
'I'd say the one who's sucking the ice cream' says Miss Carpenter.
'Well, I'd say the one who's got a wedding ring, but I really like the way your mind works.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wm8na/maths_class_and_the_teacher_asks_the_class_a/
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What 8 letter word is read the same way backwards and forwards?

Dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wm8l1/what_8_letter_word_is_read_the_same_way_backwards/
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A woman was shopping for her daughters birthday.

She asked the salss girl the price of some Barbie dolls. "This Barbie is $16.99," the girl said. "If you want something a little nicer, Malibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get Divorce Barbie for $169.99." "Why is Divorce Barbie so expensive" the mother asked. "Well," the sales girl said "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wm68k/a_woman_was_shopping_for_her_daughters_birthday/
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I got my IQ test results back

They were negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wm4mj/i_got_my_iq_test_results_back/
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How do you guys think the Germans will do in the Olympics this year?

Not too well considering they can't finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wm3ri/how_do_you_guys_think_the_germans_will_do_in_the/
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Why is it called "the circle of life"?

Because it's pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wm34g/why_is_it_called_the_circle_of_life/
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A lawyer named Strange died.

His friends asked the tombstone inscriber to write "Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer" on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse people, who would think three men were buried there. He suggested "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "Whenever anyone walks by," he explained "they'll be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wm2zp/a_lawyer_named_strange_died/
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Why was the programmer sexist?

Because he treats women like objects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wm2iw/why_was_the_programmer_sexist/
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What do you get when you combine an excess of waste and recycling?

r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wm11q/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_an_excess_of/
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What time of day was Adam born?

Just a little before Eve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wlwzd/what_time_of_day_was_adam_born/
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What do you call an old barometer?

Weathered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wlwy6/what_do_you_call_an_old_barometer/
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery...

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end. The monk unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wlv0n/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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Why do melons have to get married in a church?

Because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wlqdt/why_do_melons_have_to_get_married_in_a_church/
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My Girlfriend is always covered in bruises because she doesn't listen..

I'm always like "You're about to run into that lamp!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wlky1/my_girlfriend_is_always_covered_in_bruises/
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Online dating is like a bakery

You've got the flakes, the fruitcakes, and the tarts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wlje7/online_dating_is_like_a_bakery/
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An old man approaches a prostitute ...

He asks " How much for a little fun?"
She looks him over and asks " How old are you ?"
"I'm 87"
She says " You've had your fun !"
The old man says " Alright ... What do I owe you ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wlgwa/an_old_man_approaches_a_prostitute/
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Why don't people like talking about herpes?

It's a sore subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wlft4/why_dont_people_like_talking_about_herpes/
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“Chewing” and “eating” are very similar things.

But “getting chewed out” and “getting eaten out” are very different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wle29/chewing_and_eating_are_very_similar_things/
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Why was a missile looking for a job?

Because it got fired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wle02/why_was_a_missile_looking_for_a_job/
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I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wlajq/im_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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An elderly man goes into confession...

...and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wl8xp/an_elderly_man_goes_into_confession/
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A traffic cop and some penguins

So a traffic cop is sitting in his car on the side of the road. The cars go past, nobody is speeding. However, as police officer is watching, a car with a dozen penguins drives past. The cop pulls the man over and says, "Sir! Why do you have all these penguins in your car?" The man shrugs and says. "I dunno." The officer tells him, "You gotta take these penguins to the zoo!" The man says "Okay." and drives off.
A couple of hours later, the traffic cop is about to end his shift when he see the same car drive past... and it STILL has all the penguins in it. Furious, the officer pull the man over again and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!" The man replies, "I did! Now we're going to the movies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wl8du/a_traffic_cop_and_some_penguins/
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Bill Cosby was actually gonna be in a Marvel movie

He was gonna play Sandman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wl87j/bill_cosby_was_actually_gonna_be_in_a_marvel_movie/
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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room

.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wl7qy/two_boys_were_arguing_when_the_teacher_entered/
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A couple goes to a therapist...

after 18 years of marriage.
The wife shares, "I don't think my husband loves me!"
The therapist turns to the husband, "Well, do you love her?"
The husband says, "Of course, I do!"
So the therapist asks him, "Do you tell her that?"
The husband says, "I told her 18 years ago, if anything changes, I'll let her know.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wl7a1/a_couple_goes_to_a_therapist/
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A masked man walks into a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the receptionist and tells her to open the safe. She says: but you don't understand. This is not a normal bank. This is a sperm bank. The man says: I know exactly what this is. Now open a sample and swallow the whole thing. The woman opens one and swallows it all. The man then takes off his mask. It is her husband. She screams at him: I can't believe it. It's you. Why are you doing this? He gets close to her and says: you see??? It didn't kill you to swallow it. Did it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wl77x/a_masked_man_walks_into_a_sperm_bank_with_a_gun/
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A snake walked into a bar

The bartender says, "Hey, how did you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wl707/a_snake_walked_into_a_bar/
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"Daddy what is a transvestite?"

"Ask Mommy, he knows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wl2py/daddy_what_is_a_transvestite/
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My buddies and I were running a train on this German girl

I had to keep telling her there were only 8 of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wl29n/my_buddies_and_i_were_running_a_train_on_this/
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An old couple decide to take a second honeymoon...

An old couple decide to take a second honeymoon at the same place as their original honeymoon to celebrate their 50th year together. The couple lay in bed when the wife turns to the husband and asks: "When you first saw me naked, what did you think?" The husband thinks for a moment and then says: "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The wife absorbs the answer. After a moment she steps out of the bed and takes off all her clothes. She asks: "What do you think when you see me naked now?" The old husband responds: "Like I did a pretty good job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wl06j/an_old_couple_decide_to_take_a_second_honeymoon/
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Two friends, Jim and John, were walking their dogs

...when they passed by a restaurant.
*"Let’s go in and get something to eat,"* Jim suggested.
*"We cant"*, responded John, *"don't you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED"*
*"Aah that sign,"* said Jim, *"don't worry about it"* and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door. As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door,
*'Sorry sir no pets allowed'*
*"Cant you see"* said Jim, *"I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog."*
*'But it’s a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?'* the man asked.
*"Oh!"* Jim responded *"you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job".*
Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua.
Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said *'don't tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.'* Thinking quickly John responded in a angry voice *"You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wky2t/two_friends_jim_and_john_were_walking_their_dogs/
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Tea makes everything great,even meth.

Cos without T,meth is just meh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkxea/tea_makes_everything_greateven_meth/
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A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkxcq/a_british_man_is_visiting_australia/
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Kinda scared for 2017

Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 8 more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkww1/kinda_scared_for_2017/
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I did a self defense course

I would't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkwuj/i_did_a_self_defense_course/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead

all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkwtc/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead/
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What's better than winning a gold medal at the Paralympics?

Walking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkw9i/whats_better_than_winning_a_gold_medal_at_the/
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A Man Looking for a Job

There's a man desperately looking for a job, but he doesn't know how to spell. No one will hire him. One boss says ''Look I'll hire you if you learn how to spell properly. The man goes away, he spends weeks and weeks learning how to spell.
Finally he comes back. The boss says ''Okay, you have three attempts, spell clitoris''. The man says ''K-L-I-T-O''. ''No, no, no, you have two more attempts. The man tries again ''K-L-I-''. No, no you have one more go, now come on. The man thinks for a while okay ''I think I have it , K-'' No. no. no. The man says ''Ah Jaysus and I had it on the tip of my tongue there last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkvj4/a_man_looking_for_a_job/
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So the Belgians are pissed...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build a bridge in the Sahara". The king of Belgium approves and so it happens; the Dutch build a bridge in the desert.
They became the laughing stock of the world. The king of Belgium is pleased and says to king Willem:"Ha ha that was funny, you can remove the bridge.
King Willem responds: "We can't, there are Belgians on the bridge trying to fish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkue0/so_the_belgians_are_pissed/
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A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman.

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback.
He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkpdr/a_man_doing_market_research_knocked_on_a_door_and/
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When I was in college I agreed to go out dancing at a club with some pals for my friend Eileen's birthday...

I don't really like to dance, so they had to twist my arm a bit, but when I got there I started to have a lot of fun.
They played "The Twist" and I did the twist!
They played "The Hustle" and I did the hustle!
Then they played "Come On Eileen"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkog9/when_i_was_in_college_i_agreed_to_go_out_dancing/
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Why can't two blind people get along?

They can't see eye to eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wknm7/why_cant_two_blind_people_get_along/
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Severance Packages

The department of defense, in an effort to cut some costs decides to offer severance packages to some superfluous higher ranking officers. The offer is an honorable discharge and $1,000 for every inch between two points of their body of their choosing.
A Navy admiral takes this opportunity and heads into the medical office to have his two locations measured. He picks the tip of his big toe and the top of his forehead. The doctor measures 77 inches and off he goes to enjoy civilian life.
Next up is an Air Force general. He plans ahead a little better and raises his arm all the way up and stands of his toes and the doctor measures 99 inches. Out the door he goes nearly $100,000 richer and a civilian.
The last one to take the buy out is an Army General. The doctor asks him which two points he'd like measured and he replies;
"The tip of my penis to the base of my left testicle."
The doctor is a little taken aback at this and reminds the man that no matter how well hung he is, he's probably short changing himself. The general assures the doctor that he knows what he's doing and would like to proceed.
"Ok, suit yourself sir. Drop your pants.", says the doctor who kneels down with his measuring tape.
"Wait a minute! Where the hell is your left testicle?!", exclaims the shocked doctor.
"Heh, Vietnam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkls0/severance_packages/
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Knock-Knock Joke given to me by a Star Wars fan

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Metaphors
Metaphors who?
Metaphors be with you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkjw2/knockknock_joke_given_to_me_by_a_star_wars_fan/
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Four astronauts...

Four astronauts have just begun a very long space journey, they were told to each bring a treat. The first astronaut asks the group "Hey guys, what did you bring? I have a bunch of MARS bars!" The second guys smiles and says "Cool, I brought Starbrusts!" he then asks the third guy "How about you, what's your treat?" The third astronaut says "I have a ton of Milkyway bars!" The first two astronauts nod with agreement. Final they ask the fourth astronaut "What did you bring?" The fourth guys simple says- "Porn..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkjt8/four_astronauts/
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A Muslim Woman wanted to fuck a gorilla. Her husband objected and said...

"That's Haram, bae."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkjo7/a_muslim_woman_wanted_to_fuck_a_gorilla_her/
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I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he had only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.

Turns out he's an odd job man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wki6a/i_employed_a_new_gardener_and_gave_him_a_list_of/
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"Mommy, mommy! Can I lick the bowl?"

"No, flush it like everyone else"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkhmk/mommy_mommy_can_i_lick_the_bowl/
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Dating is a lot like parking

All the good ones are taken. The rest take a bunch of effort or are handicapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkgpt/dating_is_a_lot_like_parking/
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I was getting a handjob from this blind hooker...

She told me: WOW! This is the biggest dick I have ever felt!
I said "No way! You're pulling my leg!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkgae/i_was_getting_a_handjob_from_this_blind_hooker/
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Wife comes home in the morning

The husband asks her where did she spend her night so she says she slept at one of her best friends. The husband calls 10 of her best friends but none of them confirms
Next day, the husband comes home in the morning.Wife asks him where have you been and he says he spend the night at one of his best friends. The wife calls 10 of his best friends, 8 confirm her husband spend the night over and 2 of them swear he is still there sleeping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkf68/wife_comes_home_in_the_morning/
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Tourist mementos.

Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.
Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.
One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all of his competitors in the category of wooden dolls by selling them at a fraction of the cost others had to charge for them. Upon examining his dolls closely, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this Native American would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at an incredibly reduced price.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic Indian dolls, his competitors complained that they were only cheap Sioux veneers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wkbff/tourist_mementos/
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A husband has always insisted on having sex with the lights off...

One day the wife decides to turn the lights on during the act to finally see her husbands penis. She flicks the light on to see her husband using a dildo instead of his manhood and gasps. "What the hell is this? Please explain to me why you're using that?!"
The husband responds "I'll explain this after you explain the kids".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wk865/a_husband_has_always_insisted_on_having_sex_with/
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A french gymnast is getting ready to perform...

His coach walks up and says, "Break a leg!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wk7rh/a_french_gymnast_is_getting_ready_to_perform/
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Hedgehogs

Why can't they just share the hedge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wk5o6/hedgehogs/
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So there was a knock at the door..

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wk5nn/so_there_was_a_knock_at_the_door/
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What's the difference between a woman and a PC from 1995?

A woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wk5me/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a_pc/
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A dop Ted

Father : Son, do we have any dop ted?
Son : What's a dop ted?
Father : You are. You're adopted.
Son : Nice one dad.
Father : I'm not your dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wk3xn/a_dop_ted/
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Knock knock knock knock knock. Who's there?

Michael J Fox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wk3dk/knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_whos_there/
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A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of trash didn't get even one in.
Last week, we played for the German kaiser, and he also liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with gold. Cello got 2000 coins in, drum got 4000 coins in, this piece of trash didn't get even one in.
Yesterday, we played for the Russian czar, he said we are playing out of tune and ordered to shove our instruments up our asses. The drum didn't get in, the cello didn't get in, this piece of trash went in all the way to B flat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wk2t3/a_musician_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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I'm so tired of hearing people complain about being hung over.

Just stop your wining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wk2do/im_so_tired_of_hearing_people_complain_about/
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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.com/story/detail/13350/14-epic-jokes-by-chandler-bing-from-friends-that-will-make-hole-in-your-belly) looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.
"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."
The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"
"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wk06e/an_antisemite_goes_to_a_bar/
%
What was the burglar doing in Wayne Manor?

He was Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjzsl/what_was_the_burglar_doing_in_wayne_manor/
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Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop....

....with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus. so shut the fuck up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjxmv/husband_and_wife_are_waiting_at_the_bus_stop/
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What's the difference between a Pilot and a jet engine?

A jet engine stops whining after it lands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjxd8/whats_the_difference_between_a_pilot_and_a_jet/
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The Killing Joke

There were two guys locked up in an insane asylum together. One night, they decide that they hate it there, and they want to escape. So, they make it onto the roof top, and just across a narrow gap, they see rooftops of the town, stretching into moonlight, into freedom.
The first guy jumps across right away, without a problem. But the second guy didn't, because he was afraid of falling. So the first guy says "Hey, I have this flashlight with me! I'll shine it between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me!"
But then the second guy says "What, do you think I'm fuckin' crazy? You'd just turn the light off when I'm halfway across."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjx8r/the_killing_joke/
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How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, it's already lit fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjv1f/how_many_millennials_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What's the most useful material?

Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjtl8/whats_the_most_useful_material/
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Why couldn't Adam stop Cain from killing his brother?

Because he wasn't Abel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjsbs/why_couldnt_adam_stop_cain_from_killing_his/
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Valeria Messalina was a powerful Roman empress, best known for her long and influential political career, and for her hobby of hanging out in brothels and prostituting herself.

Makes sense to me.  If I had to spend my days with senators and rulers, I'd want to spend my nights with a better class of people, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjq9v/valeria_messalina_was_a_powerful_roman_empress/
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making a will

I was sitting at the computer the other day, drafting my will,
And I called out to my wife,
"WHEN I DIE, I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, MY LOVE!"
She shouted back,
"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjq3v/making_a_will/
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I was watching women's volleyball during the Olympics and there was already a wrist injury

But don't worry, I should be fine by Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjon0/i_was_watching_womens_volleyball_during_the/
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Dating is a lot like fishing

Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjnmu/dating_is_a_lot_like_fishing/
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My Nana’s ninety three, but she’s living the dream.

The one where you go out in just your underwear and your teeth fall out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjkic/my_nanas_ninety_three_but_shes_living_the_dream/
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So a panda walks into a bar

Orders a salad and just after paying his bill whips out a Gloc and shoots one of the other bar patrons. The bartender asks what the hell his problem is and the panda says "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" then grabs his coat and walks out the door.
The bartender not knowing what else to do looks up "panda" in the dictionary it reads
pan·da
ˈpandə/
noun
a large endangered bearlike mammal with characteristic black and white markings, native to certain mountain forests of central and western China. Eats shoots and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjh0n/so_a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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TIL it costs more money to make a penny than how much it's worth

That makes very little cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjcru/til_it_costs_more_money_to_make_a_penny_than_how/
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Why doesn't Mexico have its own Olympic team?

Because all those who can run, jump, or swim are already in the US.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wjc9g/why_doesnt_mexico_have_its_own_olympic_team/
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You know what they say about guys with big cocks....

They need a big coop and pen to keep them in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wj8fg/you_know_what_they_say_about_guys_with_big_cocks/
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What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?

*Attire.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wj7jr/what_is_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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Whats the difference between a priest and acne?

One waits till you're 14 before coming on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wj71t/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
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How do you tell a transgender from a real woman?

The quality of the sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wj6ny/how_do_you_tell_a_transgender_from_a_real_woman/
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My subconscious created this joke while dreaming I was on subreddit /r/Jokes:

"Do you know any Amish jokes?"
"No, I don't own any furniture."
When I woke up I googled it, thinking maybe I read this joke somewhere and it was just buried in my memory. But nothing comes up. LOL silly brain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wj5eo/my_subconscious_created_this_joke_while_dreaming/
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So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo...

...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wj2na/so_a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo/
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Mr. Penis has a sad life.

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his bestfriend is a pussy and his owner beats him habitually!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wizcm/mr_penis_has_a_sad_life/
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What is the best part about a prostitute dying in the middle of your session?

The next hour is free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wiytk/what_is_the_best_part_about_a_prostitute_dying_in/
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What does a Jewish pedophile say?

Want to buy a candy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wiy8x/what_does_a_jewish_pedophile_say/
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American Ginny Thrasher won gold in the Olympic shooting contest. When asked where she learned her skills

"in school" she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wived/american_ginny_thrasher_won_gold_in_the_olympic/
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I got a new car radio yesterday

It has voice recognition. You shout "soul" and it plays a soul station. You shout "rock" and it finds rock and roll for you. You shout "country" and it finds country music.
I was enjoying this new technology when some children ran in front of my car, causing me to swerve at the last second. I yelled out: "Fucking kids!"
And my radio started playing Michael Jackson songs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wirrb/i_got_a_new_car_radio_yesterday/
%
why should you never pick a fight with an Israeli baker?

Because they know Jew dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wirkx/why_should_you_never_pick_a_fight_with_an_israeli/
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A blonde was on vacation in Louisiana with her boyfriend

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay a fortune for them. So she headed out to the swamp, determined to catch herself an alligator. Her boyfriend stayed at the hotel.
Later that day, she stood waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. She heard the unmistakable purr of a full-grown gator, spotted it drifting by and shot it dead! She pulled it out of the water and examined it.
"Nope... no good!" she said and headed back for more.
She did this all day, killing upwards of a dozen gators before heading back to the hotel in defeat.
As she flopped down on the bed, her boyfriend asked: "Did you catch any gators?"
"Yeah," replied the disappointed and exhausted blonde, "but they were all barefoot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wirc4/a_blonde_was_on_vacation_in_louisiana_with_her/
%
Its hilariously ironic that the first gold medal won was by the U.S...

For Shooting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wir70/its_hilariously_ironic_that_the_first_gold_medal/
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What do Little Miss Muffet and ISIS have in common?

They both have Kurds in their way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wir4m/what_do_little_miss_muffet_and_isis_have_in_common/
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Why did God create man before woman?

He didn't want any advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wiqay/why_did_god_create_man_before_woman/
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Where the Streets are Gold

There once was a very wealthy man who was near death. He was very upset because he had worked so hard for his riches that he wanted to be able to take them with him... to Heaven. So he began to pray. God heard his plea and spoke to him. "Sorry My Son, but you can't take your wealth with you." "Please God, I have worked so long, and so hard, for so many years. I have lost my wife, my kids, my dog, my health, and my happiness because of it... It is all I have left." God understood and said. "If it means that much to you, I will allow you one suitcase." Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it to the brim with pure gold bars. He then placed it beside his bed and died in peace. Soon afterward the man showed up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven and was greeted by St.Peter. St. Peter was happy to see the man but was puzzled by the suitcase. The Man said, "I realize this is not your normal policy but I was given the authority by God that I may bring one suitcase with me." "I see." said St. Peter. "Let us open it then."
St. Peter opened the suitcase, curious to see what worldly goods the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed,"YOU BROUGHT PAVEMENT?!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wiof6/where_the_streets_are_gold/
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A Burglar got into the house of a Lawyer the other day...

After a terrible struggle, the Lawyer succeeded in robbing him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4win7p/a_burglar_got_into_the_house_of_a_lawyer_the/
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A naked woman robbed a bank yesterday

Nobody could remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wiml7/a_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank_yesterday/
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A seal walks into a club...

ಠ_ಠ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wik85/a_seal_walks_into_a_club/
%
What do you call a Chinese Millionaire?

Cha Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wik1n/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_millionaire/
%
Glorious bastard.

An old veteran setting with his grandkids telling tails about his glories in Vietnam, "I lost contact to the base, and five bastards surrounded me, I tried to fight, but they outnumbered me, they said we either kill you here right now, or you suck our dicks  and we let you go". "So what happened grandpa", they said. They killed me of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wiia6/glorious_bastard/
%
At the height of WWII...

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking mustachioed piece of shit." It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev hears this. So being loyal to the Communist cause, he reports it to his boss. To which Stalin replies, "get him back here."
Two minutes later, Zhukov is back in the room facing Stalin.
"Comrade Zhukov," begins Stalin, "would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?"
"I said 'fucking mustachioed piece of shit' Comrade Stalin."
"And who were you talking about?
"I was talking about Hitler, Comrade Stalin."
Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev,
"And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did you think he was talking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wihm2/at_the_height_of_wwii/
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I barely slept last night; I kept dreaming about mufflers.

I'm exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wifra/i_barely_slept_last_night_i_kept_dreaming_about/
%
Russian Joke: A little girl goes up to her mother...

...and asks her,
"Mommy, why does everyone say my face looks like an ass?"
Her mother replies,
"Oh honey no, you're beautiful! Don't listen to them, just go talk to your father."
So the little girl finds her father and asks him,
"Papa, why does everyone say that my face looks like an ass?"
And her father replies,
"No honey...don't listen to them. You're my beautiful little princess! Why don't you go talk to your grandfather? He's outside digging a well nearby."
So the little girl goes outside and finds the well, which her grandfather is inside of, digging. She leans over the edge and shouts down the well,
"Grandpa! Grandpa!"
And her Grandfather looks up, squints his eyes, and then suddenly shouts in panic,
"DON'T SHIT! DON'T SHIT!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wie1j/russian_joke_a_little_girl_goes_up_to_her_mother/
%
At the World Women's Conference...

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4widib/at_the_world_womens_conference/
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What do you call Venus Williams' collection of Pokemon?

The 'mons of Venus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wibyr/what_do_you_call_venus_williams_collection_of/
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I'm addicted to brake fluid...

...but I can stop whenever I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wib3i/im_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
%
Why is Hitler's Favorite Animal the Cheetah?

Because they are the Facist animals within existence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wi8br/why_is_hitlers_favorite_animal_the_cheetah/
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What do you call the underground slave trade?

The black market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wi7cd/what_do_you_call_the_underground_slave_trade/
%
How do you get holy water

You boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wi5ys/how_do_you_get_holy_water/
%
What do you call an Arab who owns a goat and a camel?

Bisexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wi2zw/what_do_you_call_an_arab_who_owns_a_goat_and_a/
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A young music student is talking to Mozart

Student: "Herr Mozart, I'm thinking of writing a symphony, and was wondering if you could give me some instruction."
Mozart: "How old are you, young man?"
Student: "I'm seventeen."
Mozart: "Well, that's a bit young to write something as complex as a symphony, isn't it? Why don't you start with something on a smaller scale, like a string quartet, and then work your way up?"
Student: "But Herr Mozart, you wrote your first symphony when you were only eight years old!"
Mozart: "Yes, but nobody had to teach me how."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wi228/a_young_music_student_is_talking_to_mozart/
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I made my girlfriend cry the other day.

I called her son a bloody disappointment. Apparently she's very sensitive about her miscarriage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whz7j/i_made_my_girlfriend_cry_the_other_day/
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I tried to start up a business as a Ford dealership

I lost my focus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4why1h/i_tried_to_start_up_a_business_as_a_ford/
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Ted told me i'm a dick...

I said i'm not addicted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whvg3/ted_told_me_im_a_dick/
%
Donald Trump is flying over New York City

He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"
His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."
Donald says, "Son, that's a great idea!"
His wife turns to him and says, "Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people happy!"
Donald looks at her and says, "Babe, that is a fantastic idea! The best I've heard!"
The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, "As long as you're at it, why don't you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whuag/donald_trump_is_flying_over_new_york_city/
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Why does Ganondorf hate the internet?

There are too many links.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whomz/why_does_ganondorf_hate_the_internet/
%
Naughty Nun

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said: "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.
Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said: "Father, Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.":)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whndl/naughty_nun/
%
Politics and the Weather

It's so cold outside, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whndg/politics_and_the_weather/
%
What do you call a Nazi who left the war to become an animal doctor?

A Veteran Aryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whmr3/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_who_left_the_war_to/
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Senior year of high school is a lot like a retirement home...

You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whli7/senior_year_of_high_school_is_a_lot_like_a/
%
Scientists have reversed Global Warming!

Get rekt, Sun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whkga/scientists_have_reversed_global_warming/
%
There was a mass shooting at the Gap store this afternoon.

They're still counting the casual Tees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whjlp/there_was_a_mass_shooting_at_the_gap_store_this/
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whja3/why_doesnt_melania_trump_want_to_be_the_first_lady/
%
I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth

I never realized just how much blood I was eating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whhmg/i_started_flossing_again_recently_to_remove_food/
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Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?

Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whhev/son_dad_do_you_remember_your_first_blowjob/
%
A man enters a party and says "Is anybody here named Jeff?"

Jeff raised his hand and said "Yes."
Geoff raised his hand and said "Yeos."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whh0f/a_man_enters_a_party_and_says_is_anybody_here/
%
Did you hear the one about Jonathan Davis in Nebraska?

Nevermind, it's too korny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whgqs/did_you_hear_the_one_about_jonathan_davis_in/
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I love the way the Earth rotates...

It makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whgbe/i_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
%
You're not a Monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whg02/youre_not_a_monk/
%
A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you musta quit!"
"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whdna/a_gastroenterologist_claims_these_are_actual/
%
Did you hear about the girl who caught the STD Pokemon?

She got a Vulvasore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whb7i/did_you_hear_about_the_girl_who_caught_the_std/
%
My new thesaurus is terrible.

Not only that, it's terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4whaes/my_new_thesaurus_is_terrible/
%
Which course did Hillary Clinton select when playing Mario Kart?

The short circuit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wh54q/which_course_did_hillary_clinton_select_when/
%
What Would The Rocks Boyfriend Be Called?

Fruity Pebble..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wh4dh/what_would_the_rocks_boyfriend_be_called/
%
What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common?

Both were shot before a live audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wh217/what_do_abraham_lincoln_and_an_80s_sitcom_have_in/
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A Pirate Joke that doesn't end with "ARRRR."

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"
"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night."
"That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night."
"Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!"
"Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?"
"Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wh0t5/a_pirate_joke_that_doesnt_end_with_arrrr/
%
My German sausage didn't come with a bun...

It was just the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgzdg/my_german_sausage_didnt_come_with_a_bun/
%
My coffee tastes like dirt! What gives?

It's fresh ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgz51/my_coffee_tastes_like_dirt_what_gives/
%
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with...
And the other carries groceries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgycj/whats_the_difference_between_michael_jackson_and/
%
When I was born I was given two choices:

The first was to have a perfect memory, and the other was to have a huge penis. Unfortunately, I can't remember which one I chose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgqfh/when_i_was_born_i_was_given_two_choices/
%
I'm thinking about becoming a devil worshipper

Just for the hell of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgoew/im_thinking_about_becoming_a_devil_worshipper/
%
What do you get when you cross a cow with a trampoline?

A milkshake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgo7r/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cow_with_a/
%
Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgntj/why_is_air_a_lot_like_sex/
%
How many people from rio does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A Brazilian.
Saw this joke elsewhere and thought i'd share it here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgmn0/how_many_people_from_rio_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
What do you call an eerie French pastry chef?

A crepe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgjla/what_do_you_call_an_eerie_french_pastry_chef/
%
I used to date a dysexic woman...

... I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgjc0/i_used_to_date_a_dysexic_woman/
%
A nun goes fishing...

A nun goes fishing for the first time, and asks a local fisherman to help her out.  Together they catch a large fish.  "Take a look at that sonofabitch!"  the local fisherman says.  The nun responds, "Excuse me sir!  You do not use that language in front of a woman of God."  He replies, "I beg your pardon sister, but that's what the fish is called.  Its name is the 'sonofabitch fish.'"  The nun thinks about this as she brings the fish back to her church.  She asks her priest for help cleaning the sonofabitch.  "Sister!  You should not talk this way in a house of God."  "No father, that is what this type of fish is called."  He then takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to another nun, and asks her to cook the sonofabitch.  "Father!  A man of the cloth should not speak so!"  "That is the name of the fish, I am not swearing."  So the nun cooks it.
That night, the pope decides on a surprise visit to their church.  The fish was smelling especially delicious, so the two nuns and the priest decide to serve it to their guest.  As they presented it to him, the first nun said "I caught this sonofabitch!"  The priest said, "I cleaned this sonofabitch!"  The second nun said, "I cooked this sonofabitch!"  The pope looked at them thoughtfully for a moment, and then responded:  "You fuckers are all right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgive/a_nun_goes_fishing/
%
What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common?

Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgifx/what_do_the_2016_rio_olympics_and_the_2016_us/
%
I would have won the Junior Olympics too...

..if it weren't for you medalling kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgfoy/i_would_have_won_the_junior_olympics_too/
%
I couldn't work for that man anymore, especially now after what he said to me.

He said, "You're fired"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgeaq/i_couldnt_work_for_that_man_anymore_especially/
%
Patient: Doctor every night i see ants playing football

Doctor: It's okay take these pills
Patient: No way tomorrow is the final

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgcsw/patient_doctor_every_night_i_see_ants_playing/
%
If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard...

That bronze medal would be mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgaom/if_only_there_was_an_olympic_sport_for_being_a/
%
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgall/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
%
What's the only type of music that the balloon dislikes?

Pop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wg6wi/whats_the_only_type_of_music_that_the_balloon/
%
In a job interview

"Name?"
"JJoon Sttutuartt"
"Again please"
"JJoon Sttutuartt"
"Sir, are you a stutterer?"
"No, my father stuttered, and the civil servant was an asshole"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wg57m/in_a_job_interview/
%
Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he was married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wg38z/why_couldnt_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
%
Two rules for success!

1. Never reveal everything you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wg1wz/two_rules_for_success/
%
I started a cold air balloon business.

I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wg1wj/i_started_a_cold_air_balloon_business/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German...

...are all watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The performer notices that the four gentlemen have a poor view, so he stands on a large wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wg0b3/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
Where do fat people live?

Obe-city

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wfzg7/where_do_fat_people_live/
%
In the morning, I woke up on the floor next to my bed.

I must have fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wfyco/in_the_morning_i_woke_up_on_the_floor_next_to_my/
%
Rupert Grint bursts into the room, "Mum, I just got a part in the Harry Potter movie!"

"Serious?"
"No, Ron."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wfrlw/rupert_grint_bursts_into_the_room_mum_i_just_got/
%
I've got my doctorate in palindromes.

I'm now addressed as Dr.Awkward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wfqi4/ive_got_my_doctorate_in_palindromes/
%
My problem with self-deprecation...

is that I suck at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wfpqu/my_problem_with_selfdeprecation/
%
What did Delaware?

A New Jersey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wfpdy/what_did_delaware/
%
An old man goes to see a doctor.

He says, "Doctor, my wife is having some hearing problems. Whenever I speak to her, half the time she doesn't respond to me. But I can't bring her here for checkup, as she is very sensitive about her old age, and might freak out."
Doctor says, "Alright, but I will need to know from how much distance she can hear before giving any medicines. So you have to check it for me."
The old man goes home. After opening the door, he sees his wife in the Kitchen making dinner. So he decides to test for her hearing distance.
He stands in the door and shouts, "Dear, what is for the dinner?" There is no response.
He moves closer to the kitchen and again shouts, "Dear, what is for the dinner?", Again there is no response.
The he finally enters the kitchen, and asks "Dear, what is for the dinner?"
His wife turns to him and says, "For the third time Jerold, it's chicken and rice. And I won't repeat this again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wfn4s/an_old_man_goes_to_see_a_doctor/
%
It is nearly impossible to find an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.

They are all optical Aleutians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wfmcn/it_is_nearly_impossible_to_find_an_eye_doctor_on/
%
Whats the difference between a lentil and a chikpea?

I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wflci/whats_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a/
%
What's the best way to get a Jewish girls number?

Roll up her sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wfj2i/whats_the_best_way_to_get_a_jewish_girls_number/
%
My first blind date.

My friend set me up on a blind date and all I had was the phone number of the guy I was supposed to meet. So I call him up and ask how will I recognize him?
"I am 175cm tall and weigh 75kg and I will be standing in the corner. What about you?"
I replied, "Well, I guess I will be the one with a tape measure and a bathroom scale..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wfe4a/my_first_blind_date/
%
What has gas, liquid and solids on it at the same time?

Uranus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wfbxl/what_has_gas_liquid_and_solids_on_it_at_the_same/
%
The Pythagorean Theorem, Newton's Third Law and Bernoulli's Principle walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm not going to get this joke aren't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wfa0m/the_pythagorean_theorem_newtons_third_law_and/
%
Did you hear about the wrestler who was beaten by a vampire?

He was down for the count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wf9hq/did_you_hear_about_the_wrestler_who_was_beaten_by/
%
A sweet couple in their 80's...

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"
Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wf712/a_sweet_couple_in_their_80s/
%
What do you call a man who loves a woman for her brains?

A zombie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wf45c/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_loves_a_woman_for_her/
%
If I ever have to choose who dies, my mother or my dog, Toby's gotta go...

...straight for the throat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wf3pw/if_i_ever_have_to_choose_who_dies_my_mother_or_my/
%
Who built the round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wf2kp/who_built_the_round_table/
%
My maid was a victim of ID theft...

Now she's my ma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wf2ex/my_maid_was_a_victim_of_id_theft/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wf17f/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
A business man is travelling home for the weekend late at night when his car breaks down in a rural area.

He is in the middle of nowhere but spots a small farmhouse in the distance and walks there. He knocks on the door and is greeted by the farmer and explains the situation. The farmer let's him use the phone but the line is down and the farmer suggests he stays the night at the farm with him and his wife. The business reluctantly agrees and is introduced to the farmers beautiful wife.
After some supper they go up to bed, it's then the farmer explains they only have one bedroom and only one bed and that they'll bunk up together, the business man wants to stay in his car but the weather outside looks terrible so he gets into bed with them. After a little while the business man manages to fall asleep despite the farmers snoring.
The business man wakes with a throbbing erection and finds with farmers with his running his dick. He whispers to her that they can't they may wake the farmer. She explains nothing will wake hin if he's fast asleep and tells him to pull a hair from his ass crack to check he's sound asleep. The man does this and the farmer doesn't wake so they proceed to have the most passionate sex the business man has ever had.
They go back to sleep but after a couple of hours the business man wakes again with another erection and the farmers wife teasing his todger. Again he pulls a hair from the farmers crack to check he's sound asleep and they proceed to have the most amazing sex.
They go back to sleep after but before daybreak the business man is again woken by the farmers wife gently exciting his major. So the business tugs out one of the farmers arse hairs to check he's asleep. But this time the farmer wakes and turns to the business man and says "Look mister! I don't mind you shagging my wife but would you mind not using my arse as a scoreboard?!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wezsk/a_business_man_is_travelling_home_for_the_weekend/
%
An Elderly Couple Go To Their Doctor For A Checkup

The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."
&nbsp;
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.
&nbsp;
One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4weyty/an_elderly_couple_go_to_their_doctor_for_a_checkup/
%
I hardly ever drink

Only 2 times a year to be exact
On my birthday,
And when it's not my birthday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4weyt9/i_hardly_ever_drink/
%
Why are oceans so salty?

Because the Earth is always tilted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wexnq/why_are_oceans_so_salty/
%
Who was the most well known Jewish cook?

Hitler!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wewf1/who_was_the_most_well_known_jewish_cook/
%
Two nuns are driving through Romania

And they pass by Transylvania when a vampire leaps on their car. When the passenger nun fails to get the vampire off, the driver nun tells her, "Quick! Show him your cross!"
The passenger nun shouts "GET OFF THE DAMN CAR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wevtp/two_nuns_are_driving_through_romania/
%
What's cold and comes in April?

Her dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4weva1/whats_cold_and_comes_in_april/
%
Squaring numbers are just like women

If they are under 13 just do 'em in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4weugq/squaring_numbers_are_just_like_women/
%
Special Hand Job on Olympic

Getting a hand job from a chick is like watching the special Olympics...
You keep cheering them on but deep down inside you know you can do better...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wetmk/special_hand_job_on_olympic/
%
Having sex is like you're doing fractions

it is improper for the larger one to be on top

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wet7v/having_sex_is_like_youre_doing_fractions/
%
I'm glad I know sign language,

it's pretty handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wes4d/im_glad_i_know_sign_language/
%
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a robot designed by the Military industrial complex?

I'd fuck the robot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4werg9/whats_the_difference_between_hillary_clinton_and/
%
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I have

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4weohx/girls_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
%
A boy asks his Dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”

His Dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wenuw/a_boy_asks_his_dad_one_day_dad_whats_the/
%
So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wemij/so_i_woke_up_this_morning_to_my_dishwasher_making/
%
Julius Caesar....

Is offering his friends some delicious ancient roman pizza (because fuck logic, this is a joke). Everyone eats a single slice. Brutus sneakily eats another one.
Caesar catches him in the act and says
"Ate two, Brute?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wejly/julius_caesar/
%
Just what is it that makes Italian desserts so appealing?

One cannoli guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wej56/just_what_is_it_that_makes_italian_desserts_so/
%
What did one boob say to the other?

You're my breast friend.
Badum tits﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4weiwm/what_did_one_boob_say_to_the_other/
%
What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?

Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wehxw/what_does_an_insomniac_philosopher_atheist/
%
Why did the elephant paint itself lots of different colors.

So that it could hide in the crayon box.  Courtesy of my 4 y/o niece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4weef5/why_did_the_elephant_paint_itself_lots_of/
%
Did you hear about the Jewish kamikaze pilot?

He crashed his plane onto his brothers scrap metal yard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wed89/did_you_hear_about_the_jewish_kamikaze_pilot/
%
Two high dudes meet...

"What's your name?"
"Jack without a V."
"There's no V in Jack."
"That's what I just said."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4weaaa/two_high_dudes_meet/
%
Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition..

...And later discovered that he had seriously misunderstood the objective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4we9oz/dr_frankenstein_entered_a_bodybuilding_competition/
%
I don't like dodecahedrons

They are too edgy for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4we7hg/i_dont_like_dodecahedrons/
%
What do you call a Filipino contortionist?

A Manila folder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4we6pq/what_do_you_call_a_filipino_contortionist/
%
A man from Newfoundland has just moved to Calgary and enters a local pub.

The bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The Newfie says, "Three pints of beer, please."
The bartender says, "Are you waiting for someone else?"
The Newfie says, "No, this is in honor of my two friends. We all took jobs on the mainland, and before we left we agreed that whenever we went to a pub we would order three pints of beer, one for each of us, so we'd have something to remember our friendship by."
The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool!" He pours the beers and the Newfie starts chatting up the other locals. He becomes a fixture at the pub and they all become friends.
This continues for a few months until the Newfie walks in one day and says, "Hi bartender, two pints of beer please."
All of a sudden there's a hush at the bar. Everyone looks concerned. The bartender pours the beers and says, "I want you to know, I'm very sorry for your loss."
The Newfie says, "What loss?"
The bartender says, "Well, you've been ordering a pint for each of your friends, I'm guessing this means one of them passed away."
The Newfie says, "Oh, no no! My friends are fine, I just quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4we63e/a_man_from_newfoundland_has_just_moved_to_calgary/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun only has one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4we4to/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
%
A Blonde and a Lawyer are Seated Next To Each Other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4we3zc/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_are_seated_next_to_each/
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What do you call it when everyone is behaving on a cruise ship?

Cruise control.
LOL fuck everyone hahahaha 666SATAN666

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4we2x6/what_do_you_call_it_when_everyone_is_behaving_on/
%
What do you do if an Elephant breaks his big toe?

Call a big toe truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4we2r3/what_do_you_do_if_an_elephant_breaks_his_big_toe/
%
When I lost my rifle the army charged me $85.That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Sometimes shit happens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4we1cz/when_i_lost_my_rifle_the_army_charged_me_85thats/
%
A child walks in on his dad...

... while he was masturbating. The son says "Dad, what are you doing?" The father replies with "Don't worry you will be doing this soon enough." Then the son says "how come?" Then the dad says "Because my hand is getting tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdz98/a_child_walks_in_on_his_dad/
%
Did you hear about the author who wrote a book during her time of the month?

It was a period piece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdvyy/did_you_hear_about_the_author_who_wrote_a_book/
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If i got 50 cents for every failed math exam,

I'd have $ 6.30 now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wduew/if_i_got_50_cents_for_every_failed_math_exam/
%
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said

, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wds5r/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born_so/
%
A gymnast walks into a bar...

He gets a two-point deduction and ruins his chance of a medal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdqdo/a_gymnast_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An ugly, fat, bald woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason.

The man at the reception says cheerfully to her:
"Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?"
The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say,
"Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?"
"No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdpax/an_ugly_fat_bald_woman_with_two_kids_enters_wal/
%
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked,
"Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied,
"My father doesn't like her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdnhn/thomas_is_32_years_old_and_he_is_still_single/
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Multiple Personality Disorder

A girl I met claimed to have multiple personalities. “Is that OK with you?” she asked.
“Quack quack quack!” I responded, then added “Apologies, my other personality is a duck. He doesn’t talk much, good listener though.”
“That’s so interesting!” she replied. “So how do you understand each other?”
“Simple, one quack for 'no', two for 'do it', and three quacks for ‘Why the fuck are you asking a duck?’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdm53/multiple_personality_disorder/
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It met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds funny,

Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdm1v/it_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples_sounds_funny/
%
What's red and orange and looks good on hipsters?

Fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdlwr/whats_red_and_orange_and_looks_good_on_hipsters/
%
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of it's paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdkmn/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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A frog goes into a bank...

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''
edit- formating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdk8f/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
%
Roses are brown, violets are brown

Who shit on my yard?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdj22/roses_are_brown_violets_are_brown/
%
A guy goes to his psychiatrist . . .

And he tells him, "doc,  something is wrong with me. Every night I fall asleep and I am awakened by one of two alternating dreams; one night I'm a teepee, and the next night I'm a wigwam.  You gotta help me, doc, it's driving me crazy!"
The doctor thinks for a minute, then looks up at the man and says, "you're two tents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdie9/a_guy_goes_to_his_psychiatrist/
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A man meets a witch.

A man goes to a witch and asks her to be liberated from an old spell.
>I can help you, I do however, need to know the exact same words of said spell
I remember, it was: *I now pronounce you, husband and wife.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdi96/a_man_meets_a_witch/
%
Is your refrigerator running?

Cause I might vote for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdhd0/is_your_refrigerator_running/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdeln/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign/
%
Who was the best boxer of all time?

Jim Jones.
He knocked out 909 people with one punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdcq7/who_was_the_best_boxer_of_all_time/
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The Memory Man...

A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.
"Who's he?" asked the Liverpudlian.
"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he's ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out."
So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?".
"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?"
"Leeds" was the instant reply.
"And the score?"
"2-1."
"Who scored the winning goal?"
"Ian St. John" said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.
The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.
The Liverpudlian approached him with the greeting "How".
The Memory man looked up and said, "Diving header in the six yard box".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wdaio/the_memory_man/
%
Lost airport chameleon finally found

after hiding in plane site

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wd7gr/lost_airport_chameleon_finally_found/
%
3 guys on a plane

who had never met, found themselves sitting next to each other on row of seats on a flight to Pittsburgh. After they had all sat down and got a chance to look at each other, something was strangely coincidental ... they each had a black eye.
The guy sitting in the isle seat speaks first and says, 'This is too crazy, we have to tell how we got these black eyes, I'll start.  I was beginning my flight this morning and I went up to the ticket counter where there was a smokin hot flight attendant.  I meant to say, 'Can I get a ticket to Pittsburgh?' But what I really said was, 'can I get a picket to TITSburgh?'  WHACK! She punched me right in the eye.
The second guy in the window seat says, 'Yeah, mine was kinda like that.  I was at the club the other day and I was dancin with this fly chick.  I meant to say, 'Hey will you go out with me some time?' But what I really said was, 'Hey will you go DOWN on me sometime?' BAM! right in the eye.
The third guy says, 'Yeah mine was kinda like that too.'  This causes the first 2 guys to raise an eyebrow.  You see, the gentleman in the middle seat musta been pushin 80 years old.  The old man goes on to say, 'I was with my wife this morning of 60 years.  I meant to say, 'Honey can you pass me the milk?' But what I really said was, 'BITCH, you ruined my life.''
edit-gooder english

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wd5ml/3_guys_on_a_plane/
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A Canadian walks into a bar

, steps back, apologizes to the bar, and walks away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wd5eu/a_canadian_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why didn't the black kid play Pokémon?

He was afraid they were trying to catch Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wd41b/why_didnt_the_black_kid_play_pokémon/
%
What do you call a black dinosaur?

A Tyroneosaurus Rex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wd3wu/what_do_you_call_a_black_dinosaur/
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Holy Prostitutes

Robert is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:  ;
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wd2vd/holy_prostitutes/
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Virgin has sex for the first time.

A virgin is having sex for the first time.  The woman he likes agreed so they went into the bedroom to have sex.  The virgin was very nervous because he doesn't know how to get started.  The woman said to the virgin "It's okay, I'll show you what to do."  So the woman lays down on her back, pulling the virgin on top of her and reaches under her and guides his penis to her vagina.  The virgin penetrates her deep and starts to hump away.  Both were really into it.  As the virgin was humping the woman like there's no tomorrow, he abruptly stopped.  Not moving a single muscle as if he's frozen for about a minute but he's still inside the woman.  The woman asks the virgin if everything is alright. He replied "yes everything's fine, I just always wanted to try this sex move I see in a lot of porn videos.  I believe it's called buffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wd2tl/virgin_has_sex_for_the_first_time/
%
Why can't your jokes ever make NRA members laugh?

Because jokes don't make people laugh, people make people laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wd1vp/why_cant_your_jokes_ever_make_nra_members_laugh/
%
A Brazilian got the first gold medal

The police are already after him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wcz5l/a_brazilian_got_the_first_gold_medal/
%
I cried when one day when my dad decided to chop onions for dinner...

I miss onions, he was a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wcv97/i_cried_when_one_day_when_my_dad_decided_to_chop/
%
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wcv5p/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
%
What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal?

A doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wcukv/what_do_you_call_a_vet_that_can_only_work_on_one/
%
What do you call a sophisticated American?

Canadian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wcubb/what_do_you_call_a_sophisticated_american/
%
What do you call a dead magician?

Abra Cadaver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wctrt/what_do_you_call_a_dead_magician/
%
Dinner for the Pope

A priest is searching the fish market so his parish can make the best dinner tonight for their special guest, the Pope.  He comes across a fish monger who has a large and glorious looking fish for sale. He asks the fish monger "My child, is this a high quality fish? I would like to buy it for dinner".
The fish monger says "Of course! It's the best sonuvabitch I ever caught!"  He hesitates and back tracks after seeing the priest's reaction to profanity and quickly lies.  "No offense meant, Father.  That's just the type of fish it is.  It's a Sonuvabitch."
The priest falls for the lie and buys the fish.  He takes it back to the parish and tells the alter boy to "Clean and prepare the Sonuvabitch, then give him to the nun to cook for the Pope."
The alter boy is shocked that the priest would swear, so the priest explains it was the type of fish and the alter boy understands and goes on his way.
After the fish is cleaned and prepared, the alter boy takes the fish to the Nun and says "The Father asks for you to cook this Sonuvabitch tonight for the Pope." The nun smacks him with a ruler and tells him to do a Hail Mary, but then the alter boy explains that he was told that's what the fish was called.  The nun apologizes for the smack and takes the fish to cook it into the best meal she's ever made.
So the Pope arrives around 6pm and dinner is at 7.  The priest, alter boy, and nun are extremely excited to meet the Pope and tell them how they made the meal he seems to really be enjoying.  At the end of the dinner, they approach him.
The Pope says "I adored the meal, the fish was an utter delight.  Thank you for all of your efforts."
The priest "You're welcome, your Holiness.  I bought the Sonuvabitch."
The alter boy say "You're welcome, your Holiness. I prepared the Sonuvabitch."
The nun says "You're welcome, your Holiness. I cooked the Sonuvabitch."
All the onlookers from the parish look at the trio shocked and wait for the Pope to react.  He considers them for a moment with an intrigued look on his face, and says "You motherfuckers are alright."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wcsql/dinner_for_the_pope/
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What's worse than having a screaming child on your hands?

Having half a screaming child on your hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wcshp/whats_worse_than_having_a_screaming_child_on_your/
%
A blind guy walks into a bar...

His friend then asks if he is okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wcnqc/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An elderly couple were at home...

An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wcnl1/an_elderly_couple_were_at_home/
%
Whenever I Think Of Books

I touch my shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wcnbo/whenever_i_think_of_books/
%
My friend's girlfriend

My friend, his girlfriend and I were planning on going to lake to have a little fun. It was pretty awkward because I have a crush on his girlfriend. As we start driving, we notice a smell.
"What's that foul odor?" I said
"No idea." said my fiend.
"Did you pass a farm or something?" I said
"No, there are no farms or even farm animals in these parts."
The foul odor wouldn't go away. I contemplated in my head what the odor was. I noticed his girlfriend was silent. Perhaps the odor was coming from her.
"Hey man" I said. "I think you should pull over."
"I think your girlfriend is the one that smells." I whispered.
"Alright." said my friend. "I'll take her out of the trunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wclt4/my_friends_girlfriend/
%
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don't care if she has one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wcjpo/what_do_a_pulse_and_an_orgasm_have_in_common/
%
King of the Jungle

Bull says to Lion with a smirk on his face,
"Listen bro, why ya let ya wife get away wit everything? She yells at ya, bullies ya around, and ya just take it like a pushover. Ha! See, with ma wife, all I gots ta do is hit 'er on 'er horns, like BAM, and she shut up and stay quiet."
The Lion looks at the Bull who is radiating with pride and egotism, and says,
"Well, you see, that's why my wife is a queen, and your wife is a cow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wchcv/king_of_the_jungle/
%
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed...."

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’m disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad.”
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”
He answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wcet2/when_bill_and_hillary_first_got_married_bill_said/
%
What do you get when you eat a bunch of uranium?

Atomic ache

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wcc0e/what_do_you_get_when_you_eat_a_bunch_of_uranium/
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A joke so absolutely filthy I can't put it in the title

Rio Olympics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wcbh1/a_joke_so_absolutely_filthy_i_cant_put_it_in_the/
%
What will happen when Pokemon GO Is updated with Johto Pokemon?

It will become Pokemon GOld

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wc8og/what_will_happen_when_pokemon_go_is_updated_with/
%
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.

Never drink and derive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wc8kq/alcohol_and_calculus_dont_mix/
%
Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wc645/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says,

"I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wc46w/two_factory_workers_are_talking_the_woman_says/
%
What does a Bills fan do when they win the superbowl?

He turns off his xbox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wc3nz/what_does_a_bills_fan_do_when_they_win_the/
%
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards...

I got a full house and four people died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wc1is/i_stayed_up_all_night_playing_poker_with_tarot/
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America & UK are competing to see who can fuck up their country the most...

UK is in the lead... but America has a Trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wby66/america_uk_are_competing_to_see_who_can_fuck_up/
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A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary...

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wbxpp/a_man_whod_just_died_is_delivered_to_a_local/
%
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest....

Kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Any way ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're green."
The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow.
He says to the Fairy Godmother "Wait a minute; my meat & two veg are still yellow."
To this the Fairy Godmother said, "I don't do willies, go and see the Wizard Of Oz for that.
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There also happens to be a purple bear wandering around in the very same forest, must be one of them enchanted forests and he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother.
He implores her; "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."
She being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "You're brown."
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the old twig and berries, they remain purple.
He says, "What about my wedding tackle, they're still purple!
She says, "I don't do genitals, you will have to see the Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy but how do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
The Fairy Godmother answers; "That's easy, just follow the yellow prick toad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wbwab/so_theres_this_yellow_toad_wandering_around_in/
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A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting on a bench at the park...

A priest and a rabbi were sitting on a bench at the park. They both watched with interest as a troop of boy scouts marched by on a nature walk. Through the side of his mouth, the priest murmurs to the Rabbi, "I'd sure like to screw those boys over there..."
To which the Rabbi replies, "Screw them out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wbvhv/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_were_sitting_on_a_bench_at/
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Why did the samurai lose the duel at high noon?

Because he brought a sword to a sho-gun fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wbpyd/why_did_the_samurai_lose_the_duel_at_high_noon/
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How does a mustache support his family in the event of his untimely death?

By investing in a shavings account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wboze/how_does_a_mustache_support_his_family_in_the/
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My doctor told me I am colorblind.

I had no idea! It came right out of the green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wbo8o/my_doctor_told_me_i_am_colorblind/
%
How would you describe the average bully?

Mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wbkw2/how_would_you_describe_the_average_bully/
%
Two blondes are on either sides of a river.

The 1st blonde yells to the other, "How do I get to the other side?!".
The 2nd blonde thinks for a moment and then yells back, "You're already on the other side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wbi3j/two_blondes_are_on_either_sides_of_a_river/
%
"It's what's on the inside that counts" I told my ugly daughter

As I tried to explain to her how a calculator works.
She's also stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wbhpo/its_whats_on_the_inside_that_counts_i_told_my/
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I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity.

I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wbgqk/ive_decided_to_run_a_marathon_for_charity/
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What do politicians and diapers have in common?

Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wbg8t/what_do_politicians_and_diapers_have_in_common/
%
A naked women robbed a bank.

Nobody could remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wbg04/a_naked_women_robbed_a_bank/
%
A lady was having an affair.

One rainy day she was in bed with her Boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'OMG - hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.'
Guy: 'It's raining out there!'
Lady: 'If my husband catches us, he'll kill us!.
He jumps out of the window!
As he ran down the street in rain, he discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's marathon. He started running along with the others, 300 of them.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. 'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner: 'Do you always run carrying clothes under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' guy answered. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and go home!'
3rd runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope..only when it's raining.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wbeyn/a_lady_was_having_an_affair/
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Rorschach has some nice paintings

I'm just confused why they are all pictures of my penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wbbye/rorschach_has_some_nice_paintings/
%
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wb8r4/the_car_wont_start_said_a_wife_to_her_husband/
%
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory.

Benefits were good, but the parking was terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wb5gz/i_used_to_work_at_a_fire_hydrant_factory/
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A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey!"  The horse replies, "you read my mind!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wayfa/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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Olympic Results for Sailing are out:

The British  have taken the Gold medal.
The French  have taken the Silver medal.
The Somalians  have taken the boats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wayf4/olympic_results_for_sailing_are_out/
%
I was an addict.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wax0h/i_was_an_addict/
%
A police man pulled me over and said "papers".

So I said "Scissors! I win" and drove off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wax07/a_police_man_pulled_me_over_and_said_papers/
%
Guy wins lottery, comes home

"Honey, I won the lottery, I'm a millionaire, come on, start packing!"
"That's awesome dear, where are we going?"
"What do you mean *we?*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wav4s/guy_wins_lottery_comes_home/
%
Sigmund Freud sits down for tea with his mother..

Sigmund Freud is sitting down for a cup of tea with his dear mother, who has her nose in a book. She gasps, and Freud asks why. And so she responds: "why, Siggy, according to these scientists, our universe is only one of many! We live in parallel with millions of other realities where everything that may or may not happen is happening simultaneously throughout the multiverse! Our reality is one string in a giant blanket of undulating spacetime!"
Freud nods, thinking a moment before responding.
"You mindfucking me, mom?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wass1/sigmund_freud_sits_down_for_tea_with_his_mother/
%
My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...

It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wao5i/my_dad_taught_me_to_swim_by_rowing_me_to_the/
%
Big Joe

A guy runs into a bar. "I'll have a vodka tonic, but make it snappy!" he says to the bartender.
The barkeep hands him his drink. The guy throws a twenty down and says, "Keep the change. I gotta get out of here, Big Joe's coming!"
Hearing this, patrons all over the bar frantically get up and stampede out the door, tossing cash and credit cards on their tables and the bar to pay their checks.
The bartender splutters in protest as his bar empties, but to no avail. "Man, we gotta get out of here! Big Joe's comin'!!"
Outside, bystanders scatter as a Harley screeches to a halt outside the bar. An impossibly huge, burly, tattooed mammoth in a black leather jacket dismounts, lights a cigar that looks more like a cigarette between his sausage-sized fingers, and stomps his way into the bar.
"GIMME A BEER!!!" he thunders, slapping his hand down on the bar with a **CRACK!!** forceful enough to send empty glasses crashing to the floor.
"Y-yes sir, right away sir," the bartender says, finding his biggest glass and handing it to the behemoth. He tips his head back and drains the entire draft at a single gulp, and the glass shatters in his hand as he slams it back to the bar. "AHHH....THAT'S THE STUFF!"
"Would - would you like another one, sir?" the barkeep asks timidly.
"ARE YOU KIDDING?" the giant roars, "I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE. BIG JOE'S COMIN'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4waniv/big_joe/
%
Why did it take so long for Americans to beat Germany in WW2?

They weren't Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wakbu/why_did_it_take_so_long_for_americans_to_beat/
%
Life is like a dick pic...

Sometimes you get things you don't ask for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4waj7d/life_is_like_a_dick_pic/
%
At first I didn't know how to dig a trench

but then I got to the bottom of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wai5c/at_first_i_didnt_know_how_to_dig_a_trench/
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A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wae4e/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
%
My wife just told me she's leaving me if I don't stop drinking

I told her "  Come on honey just one more drink, and I will help you pack!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wacmp/my_wife_just_told_me_shes_leaving_me_if_i_dont/
%
There were two cannibals who captured a man.

They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wac51/there_were_two_cannibals_who_captured_a_man/
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I asked my English friend what his favourite summer accessory is.

He said, "Clouds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4waaqd/i_asked_my_english_friend_what_his_favourite/
%
Roses are red, here's something new...

Violets are violet.
Not fucking blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wa9i3/roses_are_red_heres_something_new/
%
So there were a lot of celebrities at the DNC including Alicia Keys and Katy Perry. Hillary was excited because they are on her iPod.

Bill was excited because they were on his to-do list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wa9ht/so_there_were_a_lot_of_celebrities_at_the_dnc/
%
There's a blond and a brunette in a car...

There's a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead." -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wa8zf/theres_a_blond_and_a_brunette_in_a_car/
%
How do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wa8m6/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'

Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wa7sq/earlier_today_i_saw_the_facebook_group_kids_vs/
%
Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wa696/apparently_there_was_a_mass_shooting_at_the_gap/
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What do you get when you cross a busy road with a broken leg and a blindfold?

Hit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wa2f4/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_busy_road_with_a/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to build a

Holy Shit  they're done!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wa1w4/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_build_a/
%
A blonde guy walks into a bar

A hefty, muscular gun toting blond guy from Austin Texas goes to a bar on his Harley Davidson. He parks the bike outside, goes in and orders a drink.
Now the regulars at this bar have a habit of picking on newcomers. So when the blond goes back his bike is missing from its spot. He walks back in.
He shouts out
Which one of ya'll fuckers stole my Harley?
Nobody answers. He caresses his gun and says
Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get another drink and if ma bike ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna do the same thing I did back in Austin. And I don't like what I did back in Austin.
True to his word, he orders a drink and goes back out, to find his Harley back where it was!
As he puts on his helmet, the bar owner asks him
If you don't mind me asking, what did you do back in Austin?
The blond replies
I had to walk back home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9zhn/a_blonde_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My mate David was a victim of ID theft

Now we just call him Dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9x1s/my_mate_david_was_a_victim_of_id_theft/
%
Whats the difference between 3 big black cocks and a joke?

Your mum can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9uxv/whats_the_difference_between_3_big_black_cocks/
%
A horse walks into a bar.

A Horse walks into a bar.
The Bartender sees such a vivid depth
of despair and ennui in the Horse's eyes,
like the Horse has stared into the abyss
and found the infinite void of nothingness so deep
that the Horse could no longer believe
that he himself nor anyone nor anything else existed.
To say something exists requires knowledge of self,
which requires knowledge of existence of the self,
an obviously impossible leap of logic,
absurd to even attempt to conceive or contemplate.
The Bartender,
in that single instant within the Horse's mind,
became the nothingness the Horse perceived,
and thus was rendered speechless.
If neither the Horse,
nor the Bartender,
nor the bar itself can be said to exist,
then why should he ask,
how could he ask,
"why the long face?"
The question can have no meaning,
and that which has no meaning cannot be stated.
The Bartender, dumbstruck, not by realization of mortality
but by fundamental doubt that he was ever alive,
gazes into the endless depth of the Horse's eyes,
and asks him, "Sir, I beg you say, do I exist?"
The Horse replies,
"Neighhhh..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9ul6/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
"Ladies and Gents"

That concludes our tour of the toilets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9rx7/ladies_and_gents/
%
Lip Balm To My Wife

Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9rbr/lip_balm_to_my_wife/
%
At thirteen years old, my parents were divorced.

A bit young to get married if you ask me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9pgz/at_thirteen_years_old_my_parents_were_divorced/
%
Dog poo was thrown over my fence so I went and knocked on my neighbour's door.

I wanted to see if I got him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9ks2/dog_poo_was_thrown_over_my_fence_so_i_went_and/
%
I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"
"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.
"Well, neither would Pete,"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9kax/i_was_in_the_pub_last_night_when_the_barman_asked/
%
Plateaus...

...are the highest form of flattery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9hcz/plateaus/
%
The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve time travellers here"

A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9e0f/the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
%
What do a rubix cube and a penis have in common?

The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9dwv/what_do_a_rubix_cube_and_a_penis_have_in_common/
%
I was standing at a public urinal when a guy came in and stood next to me.

After about thirty seconds, he said, "I wish I had a cock like that!"
"Oh, really?" I smiled.
"Yeah, then my wife might leave me." he added.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9dkv/i_was_standing_at_a_public_urinal_when_a_guy_came/
%
I went up to Serena Williams.

I said, "Serena, what's your favourite planet?"
She said, "It's Venus."
I said, "Oh sorry, Venus, what's your favourite planet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9dfv/i_went_up_to_serena_williams/
%
r/politics

That is all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w92oy/rpolitics/
%
I don't believe in most conspiracies....but

7-11 IS an inside job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w91tc/i_dont_believe_in_most_conspiraciesbut/
%
Woman walks in on a man who's masturbating. Woman says, "Eww you pervert!"...

**Man** walks in on a **woman** who's masturbating. Woman says "Eww you pervert!"
credit: /u/nobodyatnight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w90ro/woman_walks_in_on_a_man_whos_masturbating_woman/
%
What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it?

A pepperonly pizza!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w9019/what_do_you_call_a_pizza_with_just_peppers_on_it/
%
What is the Beatles' favourite social media site?

REDDIT BE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8yzb/what_is_the_beatles_favourite_social_media_site/
%
I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity.

I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8wpz/ive_decided_to_run_a_marathon_for_charity/
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The Mercedes Benz Elephant Joke

*This story goes out to any guy who wants to impress a lady with a Mercedes Benz*
Two good friends, an elephant and a mouse, were walking through the jungles of Africa. Both minding their own business going down the path.
The elephant trips and falls into a huge hole and starts screaming, "Save me, save me!"
The mouse says, "Wtf do you expect me... Wait, wait... I got an idea."
The mouse runs home, goes into his garage and gets out his Mercedes Benz. He then drives to the hardware store, buys some rope and puts the rope in the back of Mercedes Benz.
The mouse drives back to the hole shouts down to the elephant, "Listen, I'm gonna tie this end of the rope to the back of my Mercedes Benz, and you tie the other end to your snout. So that way when we pull out, you'll be saved."
The plan worked.
A couple of days later, the elephant and the mouse were walking through the jungles of Africa again. Still minding their own business going down the path.
This time, the mouse trips and falls into the same hole and screams, "Save me, save me!"
The elephant whips out his dick, drops it in the hole and tells the mouse, "Run up my dick, and you'll be saved." ...and of course the plan worked.
...and do you know what the moral of this story is?
If you got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes Benz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8wj3/the_mercedes_benz_elephant_joke/
%
A guy says to a librarian "I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"

The librarian says "I'm sorry sir but this is a library".
The guy says *whispering* "Oh, sorry, I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8wfm/a_guy_says_to_a_librarian_id_like_a_big_mac/
%
My gf asked me if gorilla meat was forbidden in Islam

.
I told her, "Yeah, it's haram, bae."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8wex/my_gf_asked_me_if_gorilla_meat_was_forbidden_in/
%
A man goes to a barber shop...

"How much for a haircut?"
"$20" answers the barber.
"What about shaving?"
"$10"
"Okay, shave my head, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8w2o/a_man_goes_to_a_barber_shop/
%
The boss is telling his workers a dumb joke...

...and every worker is laughing except one.
The boss asks that one worker:
"Why are you not laughing?"
"Cos I'm quitting today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8unm/the_boss_is_telling_his_workers_a_dumb_joke/
%
Gary: "Doctor, I think I'm losing my memory".

Doctor: "Since when?"
Gary: "Since when what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8tep/gary_doctor_i_think_im_losing_my_memory/
%
Mariage is like deck of cards

At first its like a diamond and heart.  Then it turns into a club and spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8sv0/mariage_is_like_deck_of_cards/
%
What’s invisible and fucks kids?

The Zika virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8r3d/whats_invisible_and_fucks_kids/
%
What do you get when you combine 99 lesbians and a politician?

100 people that don't do dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8nsg/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_99_lesbians_and/
%
Why are terrorists eco-friendly?

They're biodegradable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8m9e/why_are_terrorists_ecofriendly/
%
What's something a third wave feminist can't take?

A joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8js2/whats_something_a_third_wave_feminist_cant_take/
%
So my bf and I walk into a bar. We notice this guy kept hitting on the female bartender by telling her corny jokes as she fake chuckles.

One joke involved him asking her why no one trusted atoms. (Because they make up everything).  My bf retaliates with his own joke... 'What do female bartenders like most about their male Patrons?.... Just the tip' 😎

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8jd8/so_my_bf_and_i_walk_into_a_bar_we_notice_this_guy/
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The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards.

The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so.
The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye.
The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off a hundred foot platform. The agent turns to the president and, with teary eyes, pleads:"Mister president, please don't do this, I have a family!"
The president hesitates and retracts his order. The chinese minister snorts and orders the same to his body guard.The chinese bodyguard starts climbing without a second thought. The president grabs his arm and says, "Wait man, this is too much! You don't have to do this!"
The chinese bodygaurd shakes off his arm and says:"Mister president, please don't, I have family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8iec/the_president_of_the_united_states_and_the_prime/
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What do you call an octopus that fights sharks?

An octobrave.
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8i19/what_do_you_call_an_octopus_that_fights_sharks/
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If I had a dollar for every gender...

I'd have $1.79

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8hhi/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender/
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A man walks into a gun store...

A man walks into a gun store, wanting to buy a gun. He gets one and is testing out the scope. He looks into a house window:
Man: Hey, I can see a man and a woman in a bedroom
The shop owner looks in and noticed that that is his house, and his wife is there.
Shop owner: Here's a deal, you can have the gun for free if you can shoot the woman's head off and the man's dick off with two bullets.
Man: I think I can do it with one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8frd/a_man_walks_into_a_gun_store/
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What body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Spine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8fn4/what_body_part_is_long_hard_bendable_and_contains/
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most intellectual joke

Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first scientist says , "I'll have some H2O".
The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of water,too. By the way, why did you say H2O? Like, know it's a chemical formula for water and all, but it's the end of the day and there's really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside of work"
The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plot has failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8el3/most_intellectual_joke/
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Who to Marry

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.
Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w8bbm/who_to_marry/
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What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics?

So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w87hf/what_is_the_only_reason_donald_trump_is_watching/
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A motivational speaker talks about getting what you want

A motivational speaker has a crowd all riled up. "If you want sweets,", he says, "buy a sweets shop. If you want to lose weight, just lose weight! Whatever you want, just take it!"
After wrapping up and getting ready to leave, he pauses at the parking lot. "Who took my *fucking* motorcycle?"
(translated from hindi, not sure if still funny :P )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w879y/a_motivational_speaker_talks_about_getting_what/
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A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer...

...were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w877o/a_physicist_a_mathematician_and_an_engineer/
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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w825o/imagine_if_your_roommate_made_you_watch_a_movie/
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How did Jesus get to the other side of the street?

He used the Cross Walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w825l/how_did_jesus_get_to_the_other_side_of_the_street/
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I called my boss this morning...

Me: Sorry, I'm not going to make it in today, I'm sick.
Boss: How sick are you?
Me: Well, I'm in bed with my mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w81fs/i_called_my_boss_this_morning/
%
Abortions are so fun...

...they really bring out the kid in you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w808i/abortions_are_so_fun/
%
What's Hillary Clinton's key to success?

The Delete Key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7xhn/whats_hillary_clintons_key_to_success/
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I named my Pokemon Margarine...

...because it's butterfree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7vam/i_named_my_pokemon_margarine/
%
How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?

.....change??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7ufh/how_many_southern_baptists_does_it_take_to_change/
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What does an IT guy use for birth control?

His personality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7t2b/what_does_an_it_guy_use_for_birth_control/
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The wife has been missing a week now.

Police said to prepare for the worst - so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7qjb/the_wife_has_been_missing_a_week_now/
%
What's black and never works?

Decaf coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7q1i/whats_black_and_never_works/
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To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7prj/to_teach_kids_about_democracy_i_let_them_vote_on/
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i really like the name saturn

it has a nice ring to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7ool/i_really_like_the_name_saturn/
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A number 2 is walking down the street...

When another number 2 sneaks up from behind and jumps on his friends back to surprise him.
The first number 2 shrieks out-
"Aahhhhh!! You squared me!!"
Sorry...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7o7i/a_number_2_is_walking_down_the_street/
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Use Your Lifeline...

A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.
After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."
"You're welcome!" the blonde said.
"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7i6s/use_your_lifeline/
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A night-shift nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says...

"Oh damn it, some asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7dko/a_nightshift_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are working on a sky scraper

The Englishman opens his sandwich box and exclaims "Bloody hell, ham and cheese again! I swear, if I have ham and cheese again tomorrow, i'm going to throw myself off this building!" The Scotsman then proceeds to open his sandwich box and exclaims "Aye, I've got fucking chicken mayo again, if I have this tomorrow i'll throw myself off this building as well!" The Irishman opens his lunch and says "I've got bacon again! If I have bacon again tomorrow, i'll join you in jumping off this building!"
So the next day the three men open their sandwich boxes and all have the same filling as the day before, so they all proceed to jump off of the sky scraper. A few days later at the funerals of the three men, their wives stood weeping. "If I would have known Pete didn't want ham and cheese then I would have mixed it up!" Said the English mans wife. The Scotsman's wife nodded "Yes, If i knew Stephen didn't want chicken mayo then I would have made something different." The Irishman's wife was crying harder than all and simply said "I just don't understand... Paddy made his own fucking sandwiches"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7d3s/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are/
%
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7a8w/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7a3q/where_do_you_find_a_turtle_with_no_legs/
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I just started the tequila diet and I'm making great progress!

I've already lost 2 days!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w78j9/i_just_started_the_tequila_diet_and_im_making/
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A group of friends were named after their professions.

The artist was named Drew because thats what he did. The laborer was called Manual because thats the type of labor he did. The lawyer was called be Bill because 'Fucking People Out of Money' takes to long to say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7809/a_group_of_friends_were_named_after_their/
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What do you call two nuts on the wall?

Walnuts.
What do you call two nuts on a chest?  Chestnuts.
What do you call two nuts on a chin?  A good blowjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w77to/what_do_you_call_two_nuts_on_the_wall/
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My woman's always trying to give me stuff she gets from work.

I tell her I've already got herpes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w75py/my_womans_always_trying_to_give_me_stuff_she_gets/
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I asked my sister how her blind date went

"Oh it was terrible" she said, "He showed up in a 1948 Rolls-Royce."
"So what's so bad about *that*?" I asked.
Apparently he was the original owner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w75bg/i_asked_my_sister_how_her_blind_date_went/
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I was just scrolling through my son's google history...

"Anal tips"
"Do I need a condom?"
"PornHub: guy shaking his arse"
"Wham! The full collection"
"Can men wear make up?"
I can't believe he listens to Wham! What a gay boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w74zu/i_was_just_scrolling_through_my_sons_google/
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What sound does a dying Turkey make?

Coup coup coup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w74ti/what_sound_does_a_dying_turkey_make/
%
What do you call a fish with 3 eyes?

A fiiish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w72s9/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_3_eyes/
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Why don't boxers have sex the night before a fight?

Cos they don't fancy each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w6yvu/why_dont_boxers_have_sex_the_night_before_a_fight/
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So a grasshopper named Steve walks into a bar.

Wait, you're not supposed to know his name yet.
Anyway, the bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named 'Steve'!"
No, that's not right.  The bartender says "Hey Steve!"... Nope.
Hold on, the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink called a grass.." ..No wait.. Got it!
"Hey! We have a drink named after you!" Yea!
Then Steve says "You have a drink named Steve!?"
Then the bartender says "Nope, we have a drink called a grasshopper.  It's made with creme de menthe, creme de cacao and light cream shaken with ice and poured in a martini glass"
Then I think Steve ordered one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w6yd7/so_a_grasshopper_named_steve_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why is the ocean so salty?

Because the land never waves back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w6xhc/why_is_the_ocean_so_salty/
%
I entered a contest to see how fast I could eat a clock.

I didn't win. The whole ordeal was very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w6x16/i_entered_a_contest_to_see_how_fast_i_could_eat_a/
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Two muffins are baking in the oven. One looks at the other and says "it sure is getting hot in here, whew!"

The other muffin looks back and says "Holy Shit!  A talking muffin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w6w6e/two_muffins_are_baking_in_the_oven_one_looks_at/
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Doctor doctor, I only have 59 seconds to live!

Be with you in a minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w6tyq/doctor_doctor_i_only_have_59_seconds_to_live/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef Stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w6sfk/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
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I really don't want to be a professional web developper

Selling my <body> feels wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w6jgz/i_really_dont_want_to_be_a_professional_web/
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How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW, YOU WASN'T THERE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w6fcq/how_many_vietnam_vets_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A blond girl turns on the radio and hears that 2 Brazilian men were killed

As she starts to cry she asks "How many is a Brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w6dko/a_blond_girl_turns_on_the_radio_and_hears_that_2/
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Illegal immigrants do jobs that Americans don't want.

Like marrying Donald Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w6dgf/illegal_immigrants_do_jobs_that_americans_dont/
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What's the best way to get to church on sunday?

Mass transit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w6chi/whats_the_best_way_to_get_to_church_on_sunday/
%
After finishing my pint really quickly, the barman told me to calm down.

I said, "You're telling me? You just drunk my pint!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w6bh1/after_finishing_my_pint_really_quickly_the_barman/
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I'm going bananas

Is what I tell my bananas before I leave in the morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w696j/im_going_bananas/
%
Burglars are getting very clever these days...

Last night, my wife woke me up..
Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w6663/burglars_are_getting_very_clever_these_days/
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A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w65x4/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_the_police/
%
What is the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple waits until you are 13 to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w63m9/what_is_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar

. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w63is/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man was driving down the road...

... and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas," the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"?
The bee answered,
"BP."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w5y3o/a_man_was_driving_down_the_road/
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Rio is full of liars, cheaters, thieves, and drug abusers.

And that's just the athletes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w5voe/rio_is_full_of_liars_cheaters_thieves_and_drug/
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Today I asked my mom what she did for a living, she replied "I'm a headmaster".

To which my dad replied "yeah she is"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w5v0q/today_i_asked_my_mom_what_she_did_for_a_living/
%
Did you see the joke on Reddit about fixing the telephone pole?

It was a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w5ulu/did_you_see_the_joke_on_reddit_about_fixing_the/
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How many ways can you ask the same question?

Ask reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w5u52/how_many_ways_can_you_ask_the_same_question/
%
A man is going down on his wife when he suddenly becomes violently ill.

He goes to the doctor, who asks him to describe what he was doing leading up to the sudden bout of illness. "Well," says the man, "my wife and I were just drinking some Budweisers, and then I started to give her oral sex-"
"Ah, well you should've seen this coming," the doctor says.
"How so?" asks the man.
"Surely you know the saying - beer before lick 'er, never been sicker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w5qhr/a_man_is_going_down_on_his_wife_when_he_suddenly/
%
I just found out that I'm colorblind

It really came out of the purple!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w5q2l/i_just_found_out_that_im_colorblind/
%
Why is everyone investing in Ireland?

... because the capital is always Dublin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w5p9v/why_is_everyone_investing_in_ireland/
%
What did one rock say to the other?

Ha, you really think rocks can talk?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w5ojl/what_did_one_rock_say_to_the_other/
%
The Monastery

An old monk is recounting his life to his nieces and nephews who lived in a small, rural town. The area around was hilly, and at the bottom of a nearby valley, there was a large, ornate monastery.
"Uncle, why did you become a monk?" the youngest asked
"One day, I was riding my bicycle home from school, and passed through the valley. I picked up too much speed, and lost control  just outside of the monastery. I broke my arm, the bone protruding through the skin. I began to cry, and a monk emerged from the monastery to bring me inside.
'I want to go to the hospital' I said
The monk replied 'There is no need. It is getting dark and we are trained in the secret healing arts of our order. We will send word to your parents and you will stay the night with us.'
During that night, I awoke to a strange, ethereal sound coming from somewhere in the monastery. I thought it was a dream, and went back to sleep. In the morning, my arm was completely healed. I asked the monk from the night before what made the sound. The monk responded:
'I cannot tell you, you are not a monk.'
Years later, just after high school, I was riding a motorcycle down the same valley. A passing car came too close and clipped me, sending me flying into the ditch. I passed out from the pain of my injuries, I couldn't breathe and thought I was going to die. As my vision faded, I saw a monk running towards me.
I woke up that night, sore, but alive - to the same sound as before. Naturally, I picked myself up - it seemed impossible but I grew stronger and more resilient every time I heard that sound. The sound grew slightly louder, and I followed it to an old door in the basement of the monastery. I pressed my ear against it. The sound was coming from within, but still distant even though I seemed so close.
'You need a key'
I jumped. I asked the monk who had appeared behind me, again, what was making the sound. He simply replied:
'I cannot tell you, you are not a monk'
I simply had to find out. I asked how to become a monk. I was told it meant I could not marry, or have children, and it would take years of study, some in silence, and I would live a pious life in peace if I were to become part of their order. I agreed. I spent years in silence, years copying texts, making wine. I paid my dues. I spent half my life learning to become part of the Order. One day they said I was ready. I was taken to the door and given a ring of keys.
The simple iron key fit into the lock on the wooden door. Behind the door was a path, leading down into the earth, like a tunnel. it was made of stone. As I made my way down the path, the sound became louder, and the air got warmer. I came to an iron door with a silver lock. The next tunnel was a steeper descent, and made entirely of iron. I came to another door, this time silver, with a gold lock. I used the golden key, and found a small opening just enough to crouch and crawl on my hands and knees. This tunnel was made of what I thought was silver. I did not need a torch, as light seemed to emanate from the air itself, now almost hot, humid. The sound was loud, I felt I was inside some intricate machine, but with a smell like fresh earth and blood. I got to a small door, made of gold, with a lock made of bone. I used a key made of what I could only assume was bone, and opened it.
beyond that final door I entered a massive, subterranean chamber, walls encrusted with all manner of crystals. The floor was earth, but littered with various bones. Some looked human. In the middle of the chamber, propped up on a platform made of all manner of skulls, was the source of the sound."
There was a long pause before the youngest asked
"Uncle... what was it?"
"I cannot tell you, you are not a monk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w5o5x/the_monastery/
%
I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried.

Onions was a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w5k2p/i_saw_my_dad_chopping_up_onions_today_and_i_cried/
%
How deep is the average vagina

Deep enough for a man to lose his house, car, his dog and half his assets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w5ebu/how_deep_is_the_average_vagina/
%
It took a year of hard work, but I lost over 200lbs!

My lawyer was a huge help during the divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w5ajw/it_took_a_year_of_hard_work_but_i_lost_over_200lbs/
%
There's plenty more fish in the sea

But until I catch one I'm left here holding my rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w5add/theres_plenty_more_fish_in_the_sea/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w577u/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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An Italian and A Greek debate culture.

An Italian and a Greek are debating the intellectual and cultural values of their respective countries. The Greek scoffs, "You Italians learned everything you know from us Greeks. For instance, we came up with the Classical Pantheon." The Italian replies, "Yes, but we improved upon everything you did. We changed their names and made some more practical ones too."
The Greek responded, "We invented architecture." The Italian said back, "Yes, but we created the Coliseum."
The Greek responded, "We created the art of sculpture." The Italian said back, "Yes, but we had Michelangelo's David Statue."
The Greek responded, "We created the art of painting." The Italian said back, "Yes, but we made the Mona Lisa."
The Greek responded, "Aha! But we created the art of love." To which the Italian retorted, "Yes, but we introduced it to women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w54oe/an_italian_and_a_greek_debate_culture/
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What do you call a Pikachu caught in Brazil?

A Zikachu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w54j5/what_do_you_call_a_pikachu_caught_in_brazil/
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[OC] What is Hillary Clinton's favorite video game?

Super-Pac man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w51m0/oc_what_is_hillary_clintons_favorite_video_game/
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A pencil walks into a bar

The bartender says, "We don't serve your type here."
The pencil yells back "Erasist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w51fp/a_pencil_walks_into_a_bar/
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A procrastinator walks into a bar

I'll post the rest later..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w516l/a_procrastinator_walks_into_a_bar/
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I put one slice of toast in my toaster and got two out...

Must have been mitoastis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w505q/i_put_one_slice_of_toast_in_my_toaster_and_got/
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Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4zn6/two_rabbits_were_being_chased_by_a_pack_of_wolves/
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What has a mouth but never speaks,

Has a bed but never sleeps,
And has legs but never walks?
&nbsp;
A mute, crippled insomniac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4wh0/what_has_a_mouth_but_never_speaks/
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A man has a dangerous blood clot

And needs to have his leg amputated.
Unfortunately, the doctor amputates the wrong leg in surgery.  Realizing his mistake while the patient is still under, he amputates the correct leg.
When he comes to, the Dr. says, "Mr. Jones, I have good news and bad news.  The bad news is unfortunately I have made a grave error and I amputated the wrong leg."
"That is horrible! What the fuck, doctor! What could possibly be good about this situation?"
"Your roommate has the same size foot as you and has made a generous offer to buy your shoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4w8n/a_man_has_a_dangerous_blood_clot/
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What's a horrible icebreaker?

The titanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4w4o/whats_a_horrible_icebreaker/
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My favorite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4u97/my_favorite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
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What does a mermaid mathematicion wear?

An Algae-bra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4t5x/what_does_a_mermaid_mathematicion_wear/
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A priest was driving A nun to church...

But suddenly the priest stops and tells the nun
"Im sorry sister but i have been dreaming of doing this"
he proceeds to stop driving and he put his hands under her robes and stroking  her legs.
The nun replies with
"Father, remember Psalm 143:24"
The Priest responds with
"Im sorry sister but the flesh is weak"
The Father sees the cross in their car and is reminded that he should not be doing this
He says
"Im sorry sister, i have given to temptation"
The nun sighs and they continue driving.
When they reach the church, out of curiosity the priest finds a bible and checks Psalm 143:24
it says.
"Go further up and you will find what you seek"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4r97/a_priest_was_driving_a_nun_to_church/
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A robber burst into a bank brandishing a gun and yelled at the teller.

"Give me the money! One false move and you're geography!"
The teller said "Don't you mean history?"
The robber screamed "Don't change the subject!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4ptv/a_robber_burst_into_a_bank_brandishing_a_gun_and/
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Classic.

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4n1t/classic/
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To all the people saying I have fat fingers...

FYVK OFF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4m05/to_all_the_people_saying_i_have_fat_fingers/
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I'm in a band called "Transportation".

We're going places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4lbi/im_in_a_band_called_transportation/
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newlyweds

On their wedding night as the recently married couple undress, the groom takes his pants off and hands them to her.
"Try them on"
"They're too big"
"Exactly and now you know who wears the pants"
She then takes off her panties and tosses them to him.
"Put them on"
"I can't get in them.  They're too small"
"And you won't be getting in them until you change your attitude"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4l5p/newlyweds/
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Roses are brown, violets are grey

I just found out I'm colorblind today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4kpm/roses_are_brown_violets_are_grey/
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What do you call a snail in the Navy?

A Snailor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4kk5/what_do_you_call_a_snail_in_the_navy/
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What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with one leg?
Steak.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4jrj/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_three_legs/
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Reddit creates a joke.

Ill start with one word and comment to create a joke in order.
One

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4h9u/reddit_creates_a_joke/
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When you have an "I hate my job" day

, try  this out:
Stop  at your  pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now  the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS  SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4en5/when_you_have_an_i_hate_my_job_day/
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I have a stepladder...

...because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4ebb/i_have_a_stepladder/
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What did the HTML coding dog say?

Href Href!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4d2n/what_did_the_html_coding_dog_say/
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Monica Lewinsky isn't voting for Hillary.

The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4cu4/monica_lewinsky_isnt_voting_for_hillary/
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A piece of rope walks into a bar.

Asks for a beer. Bartender says, "Sorry,  we dont serve rope here"
Rope leaves, ties himself in a knot and frizzes up his hair, and walks back in and orders a beer.
"Hey,  aren't you the same piece of rope that walked in here a minute ago?"
"No" says the rope, "I'm a frayed knot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4cbe/a_piece_of_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
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Sent on a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"How's ya gettin' on today, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" Asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Lardthunderin!", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4b1h/sent_on_a_golf_tour_in_newfoundland_tiger_woods/
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I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w485x/i_had_a_goal_to_lose_20_pounds_by_the_end_of_the/
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What's the difference between a refugee and E.T?

E.T learned English and wanted to go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w46zf/whats_the_difference_between_a_refugee_and_et/
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What do you call fake shit?

Shampoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w45wg/what_do_you_call_fake_shit/
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What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"Man, if we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w42c2/what_did_the_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink...

When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w41n3/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_drink/
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My dentist tells me to floss my teeth daily.

I wish he'd leave me alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3tms/my_dentist_tells_me_to_floss_my_teeth_daily/
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What is the favorite scientific unit of the French?

RPM ( Revolutions Per Minute )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3su9/what_is_the_favorite_scientific_unit_of_the_french/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. He can seldom close his eyes without opening them again at fear of Charlies lurking in the jungle trees. Not that you could ever see the bastards, mind you. They were swift, and they knew their way around the jungle like nothing else. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces as he walked into that village and... oh, Jesus. The memories seldom left him, either. Sometimes he'd reminisce - even hear - Tex's southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes like nothing else. He always kept a pack of Lucky's with him. The boys are gone, now. He knows that; it's just that he forgets, sometimes. And, every now and then, the way that seven looks at him with avid concern in his eyes... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. Makes him feel like he's back there... in the jungle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3ro5/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3r5m/a_young_lady_came_home_from_a_date_rather_sad_she/
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What do the Russians use to film their war with Isis?

Daeshcams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3q7y/what_do_the_russians_use_to_film_their_war_with/
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An old man walks up to a couple of stoners smoking a joint, and says,

“Don’t you know that smoking weed makes you ignorant and apathetic?”
One of the potheads turns to him and replies, “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3p3z/an_old_man_walks_up_to_a_couple_of_stoners/
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An old man dies...

...and at the funeral, his family members walk to the casket to say their final respects.  When they're done, the old mans son notices a bulge in his fathers pants.  When he goes to ask the funeral director about it, the director says "Oh, don't worry about that, it's just mourning wood"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3oig/an_old_man_dies/
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Grandpa joke: What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters?

Short

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3nqx/grandpa_joke_what_becomes_shorter_when_you_add_2/
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"All your dreams will come true", said my fortune cookie

And the next day I realized, I went to work naked and couldn't run when I got chased by that monster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3mt5/all_your_dreams_will_come_true_said_my_fortune/
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What does a girls asshole and a 9v battery have in common?

You know it's wrong but eventually you stick your tongue to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3mfh/what_does_a_girls_asshole_and_a_9v_battery_have/
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At first I didnt really like my new hairstyle...

...but then I realised that it kinda grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3lkz/at_first_i_didnt_really_like_my_new_hairstyle/
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What do diapers and Politicians have in common?

They both need changing regularly - for exactly the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3k5y/what_do_diapers_and_politicians_have_in_common/
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What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

We really do taste like chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3im9/what_did_one_lesbian_frog_say_to_the_other/
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A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up,   expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?' "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3hnr/a_bloke_walks_into_a_bar_in_new_zealand/
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Guy walks up to a Canadian and says "Who was that lady I saw you with last night?"

The Canadian says  "That was my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3gdu/guy_walks_up_to_a_canadian_and_says_who_was_that/
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2 eggs were on a frying pan

One of them says: "Gee, it's really hot in here!"
The other egg says: "HOLY CRAP, A TALKING EGG!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3g5g/2_eggs_were_on_a_frying_pan/
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I was going to get a sex change.

But I couldn't quite pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3eh7/i_was_going_to_get_a_sex_change/
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Last night I came out of a nightclub

and I was uproached by a Thai woman...
She gave me a cheeky wink and said " Blowjob, £20? " I said " Yeah alright " and lead her into the alley.
I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two £10 notes and started pulling up her skirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3cqp/last_night_i_came_out_of_a_nightclub/
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I hate my job...

My job is so fucking unbelievable.
I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3b6c/i_hate_my_job/
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Two homeless men, Bob and Tom, are walking down the street.

They pass a restaurant that is packed with people hungry during lunch hour.
Bob pulls a $2 bill out of his pocket. He has a nasty sense of humor, so he says to Tom, "I'll make you a deal. If you can make those hungry people push their plates away, I'll give you this $2."
Tom accepts. He walks up to the front window of the restaurant, snorts, and shoots the largest, stickiest, brownest ball of mucus onto the window. Of course, everyone in the restaurant pushes their plate away. One even throws up!
Bob hands Tom his $2. However, he says to Tom, "I bet I could get the $2 back from you."
Tom replies, "Alright. But you have to make the rest of the customers puke too."
So Bob goes to the windows, takes a deep breath and slurps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3aw1/two_homeless_men_bob_and_tom_are_walking_down_the/
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How do you confuse an idiot?

Seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w3at4/how_do_you_confuse_an_idiot/
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Costume party

A man is having a costume party and notices a guy wearing nothing but red pants. The host marches up to the guy and says "Hey, this is a costume party. I can't let you stay without a costume on." The guy replies "But I am wearing a costume. I am a premature ejaculator" The host is confused and asks "Then where is your costume?" The guy replies "Well... I just came in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w386q/costume_party/
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A deaf couple have been having trouble...

having sex due to the inability to communicate in bed in the dark.  The wife comes up with a plan, and signs to her husband, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my boob one time.  If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my boob two times."  The husband thinks it's a good idea and signs, "If you want to have sex, pull on my penis one time.  If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis 100 times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w331o/a_deaf_couple_have_been_having_trouble/
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How many "a man walks into a bar" jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but you can be sure a whole Reddit community will appear to expand the joke, make it funnier and eventually run it into the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w30iu/how_many_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_jokes_does_it/
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You know you're an optimist...

...when your blood type is B+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2xp5/you_know_youre_an_optimist/
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I was playing fold yesterday with an old acquaintance

There were two women ahead who were playing really slowly. Eventually my golfing partner lost his patience and told me to go and ask them to let us play through. As I wandered up to them, I immediately recognised my wife and my mistress.
I went back to my friend and said I couldn't possibly go and talk to my wife and mistress, he'd have to go. He soon came back and said, it's a small world isn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2w90/i_was_playing_fold_yesterday_with_an_old/
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What's the difference between Valve and uranium?

Uranium gets to its half-life on time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2w67/whats_the_difference_between_valve_and_uranium/
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Why couldn't the hippie be saved from drowning?

He was too far out man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2vgm/why_couldnt_the_hippie_be_saved_from_drowning/
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Anal with my girl friend made my whole week...

It also made her hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2v5b/anal_with_my_girl_friend_made_my_whole_week/
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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods...

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2u8h/two_tall_trees_a_birch_and_a_beech_are_growing_in/
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What's Donald's true political party?

Whig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2rr0/whats_donalds_true_political_party/
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Two men just got away with the largest Viagra heist in history.

Police say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2rdo/two_men_just_got_away_with_the_largest_viagra/
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How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs they screw in dirty sleeping bags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2qff/how_many_hippies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What the robotic fingers say to the face?

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?"
"At school."
The robot slaps the son.
"Okay, I went to the movies!"
The father asks, "Which one?"
"Harry Potter."
The robot slaps the son again.
"Okay, I was watching porn!"
The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2q4e/what_the_robotic_fingers_say_to_the_face/
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One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.
Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. "What's this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2nk2/one_day_the_wife_comes_home_with_a_spectacular/
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If storks bring white babies and crows bring black babies, then what brings no babies......

a couple of swallows !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2ng0/if_storks_bring_white_babies_and_crows_bring/
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A man walks into a bar and starts talking to three ducks...

He says to the first duck, "Hey, little guy! How's your day been?
The response comes "Hi! I'm Hughie and I'm great! I've been in and out of puddles all day!"
The man talks to the second duck. "And how are you doing?"
"Hi! I'm Dewey and I'm doing fantastic! I've been in and out of puddles all day!"
The man turns to the third duck and says, "Haha, so you must be Louie! How are-"
The third duck gloomly interrupts and says "No, I'm Puddles and I'm not having a good day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2j0b/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_starts_talking_to/
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My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend...

We're the Suicide Squad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2g9b/my_friends_and_i_are_all_dressing_as_different/
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How do you know that Darth Vader isn't a black man underneath the mask?

He claims to be your father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2cun/how_do_you_know_that_darth_vader_isnt_a_black_man/
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The Captain of an American Airliner receives a message from a few miles ahead...

The Captain of an American Aircraft Carrier is sailing his ship through a deep fog, so much that he can barely see anything. They are moving slowly, and all crew members are instructed to be on high alert, ready to act at a moment's notice. Suddenly, he receives a call from something just a few miles ahead.
"Greetings Captain. You are on a collision course, and we recommend that you redirect your course 15 degrees to the east."
The Captain, surprised that anyone would be so arrogant as to ask him to move over, picks up the microphone to reply. "Thank you, but we think *You* should redirect your course. This ship can be difficult to turn."
The voice replies again, sounding a bit more urgent. "Again, we recommend that you redirect your course 15 degrees to the east."
A little bit frustrated, the captain talks back. "This is an American fleet ship. It requires much more effort and power to change course than you think. Redirect *your* course."
The voice, again, replies. "You must redirect your course soon, captain, or there will be a collision!"
The Captain is angry now, and barks into the microphone. "Listen carefully. This is a ten thousand ton aircraft carrier made of solid steel, and reinforced to survive the heaviest storms at sea. *I highly recommend you alter* your *course."*
The reply, "This is the lighthouse, captain. Your call."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2ceu/the_captain_of_an_american_airliner_receives_a/
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What do you call a funny mosquito?

Malarious
-My gf's homemade joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w2ado/what_do_you_call_a_funny_mosquito/
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What vegetable is the favourite of British people?

Queuecumbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w28xz/what_vegetable_is_the_favourite_of_british_people/
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What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants, and a dirty bus stop?

One's a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w26wd/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with/
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My wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack of cigarettes for 6 months...

She's up to 2 packs a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w268x/my_wife_and_i_agreed_to_only_smoke_after_sex_ive/
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So I was standing in the toilet queue at my high school ball. I was wondering why there were also women waiting in the same line so I asked the guy in front of me.

"This is the punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1xe3/so_i_was_standing_in_the_toilet_queue_at_my_high/
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I joined a forum for people with Down syndrome.

Comments are disabled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1xbf/i_joined_a_forum_for_people_with_down_syndrome/
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I asked the doctor how much longer I've got.

He said, "A few inches. You clearly enjoy prostate exams."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1x5w/i_asked_the_doctor_how_much_longer_ive_got/
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How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?

"Please Get Out The Pool"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1wce/how_do_you_get_30_drunk_canadians_out_of_the_pool/
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My girlfriend got a letter in the mail.

"This has not been my week," she said to me downheartedly, "Just a few days ago I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now, according to this letter, I've got tiny tits."
"Tinnitus," I replied, "You've got tinnitus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1tmz/my_girlfriend_got_a_letter_in_the_mail/
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Someone hit me in the head with a bottle of omega 3 tablets the other day.

It's OK, it was just a super fish oil wound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1t9q/someone_hit_me_in_the_head_with_a_bottle_of_omega/
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What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A Megasoreass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1t1r/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
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What's the difference between a weatherman and an overweight doctor that handles the urinary tract?

One's a meteorologist and the other's a meaty urologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1slh/whats_the_difference_between_a_weatherman_and_an/
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A little boy was sitting in class...

The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.
The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?"
Little Timmy was bouncing up and down in his seat, arm raised: "OOH! OOH! I KNOW!"
Before the teacher could call on him, little Julie stood and said: "Franklin Roosevelt".
"Very good Julie, you can go." the teacher replied. "Okay class, which president said: 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?"
Again, little Timmy's hand shot into the air and he waved his arms excitedly. "OOH! OOH! I KNOW! PLEASE!"
Again, before she had a chance to call on anyone, little Sally stood and said: "John Kennedy"
"Very good Sally, you may leave also." The teacher asked again "Okay class, which President said: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall?"
Before Timmy could answer, little Jennifer jumped up and shouted: "Ronald Reagan!"
Frustrated, little Timmy mumbled to himself: "I wish these bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!"
The teacher heard and shouted: "WHO SAID THAT!?!"
Timmy jumped up: "Bill Clinton! Can I go now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1r8n/a_little_boy_was_sitting_in_class/
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My girlfriend is like ketchup.

I always bang her on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1nuz/my_girlfriend_is_like_ketchup/
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What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and Usain Bolt?

Usain Bolt can actually finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1mle/whats_the_difference_between_adolf_hitler_and/
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Why is the alphabet of a pirate incomplete ?

Because they lost an I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1jjk/why_is_the_alphabet_of_a_pirate_incomplete/
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You can tell a lot about someone by the tank top they wear.

For instance, if they wear a tank top, they're probably a dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1jdf/you_can_tell_a_lot_about_someone_by_the_tank_top/
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Hillary Clinton Style Condoms!

*Rigged for her pleasure*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1d9j/hillary_clinton_style_condoms/
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Math made simple:

If you have $20 and your wife has $15, she has $35.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1b0f/math_made_simple/
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I went to the dentist.

I sat down in the chair and he said, "Open up for me..."
"OK," I said, "my parents don't love me very much."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1a80/i_went_to_the_dentist/
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This guy walks up to his wife one day

and grabs her breast, he says " if these were firmer, you could get rid of your bra." the wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes.  The next day, the husband comes up to his wife and grabs her butt, and says, "If this was firmer, you could get rid of your pantyhose." the wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes.  Later that night, they're laying in bed, and the wife rolls over and grabs her husband's dick, and says " if this was firmer, we could get rid of the garbage man, the mail man, and your brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w194v/this_guy_walks_up_to_his_wife_one_day/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike

It got so bad I had to take away his bike..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w15et/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike/
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Yo girl, are you my appendix?

Because I don't really understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w14yk/yo_girl_are_you_my_appendix/
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How does Google celebrate its birthday?

With a search party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w14k2/how_does_google_celebrate_its_birthday/
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A blind hooker tried to give me a BJ once

she said I had the biggest penis ever. I said "Ha, you're pulling my leg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w13n9/a_blind_hooker_tried_to_give_me_a_bj_once/
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A priest entered the bedroom of a possessed boy with nothing but a treadmill and weights

Surprised, the boy's family gave the priest a strange look. He turned to the family, a bit confused himself, and said "I'm here to exercise the demons, right?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w125y/a_priest_entered_the_bedroom_of_a_possessed_boy/
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A cannibal comes home from work...

after a long day and his wife asks him how his day was.
The cannibal sighs and replies "I'm just fed up with people!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w10m7/a_cannibal_comes_home_from_work/
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A blind man walks into a bar

..and into a table and a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0yyn/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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3 guys find a lamp

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0xia/3_guys_find_a_lamp/
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10 Dollar Compliment

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0uvo/10_dollar_compliment/
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In my free time I help blind children

I usually find throwing pencils is the most efficient method

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0t35/in_my_free_time_i_help_blind_children/
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Roses on your piano

What's better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0q6u/roses_on_your_piano/
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Where are you most likely to drown?

*Deepends*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0l3x/where_are_you_most_likely_to_drown/
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What can an Elephant make that no other animal can make?

Baby elephants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0kx4/what_can_an_elephant_make_that_no_other_animal/
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You know what would be a hilarious prank?

Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0kt8/you_know_what_would_be_a_hilarious_prank/
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What's the difference between a bonus and a penis?

A wife will blow a bonus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0hm1/whats_the_difference_between_a_bonus_and_a_penis/
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What are cranes made of?

Cranium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0h83/what_are_cranes_made_of/
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A lad goes for a job in Homebase.

Boss says "let me show you how its done."....... A customer walks in & asks for a packet of grass seed, the boss says "sir, when the grass grows you'll need shears, and after that you'll need a lawn mower." Customer says, "I never thought of that" & leaves having spent £200. "That's how its done" says the boss, "the next customer is yours".
A man walks in and says "I'd like a packet of tampax". The boy replies "would you like a lawn mower as well sir?" The man says "why would I want a lawn mower?!"
Boy says, "Well, your weekend's fucked, you might as well cut the grass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0h4p/a_lad_goes_for_a_job_in_homebase/
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I thought about getting a brain transplant

But then i changed my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0gti/i_thought_about_getting_a_brain_transplant/
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Roses are red...

Harambes in heaven, George Bush had advanced knowledge of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0fmx/roses_are_red/
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(NSFW) A mother and her son are walking through the park....

And along the way they see two dogs humping. The child asks his mom "what are those two dogs doing?"
His mom isn't sure how to answer and says they're making sandwiches.
A short while later they see two cats humping. The child once again asks what they're doing.
"They're making sandwiches too!" His mother replies, deciding it's time to go home.
Later that night the little boy wakes up from a nightmare and starts crying, and his mom comes in. The little boy sees her face and asks "were you making sandwiches?"
Confused the mom replies "why do you think that?"
And her son tells her "you have mayonnaise on your face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0fab/nsfw_a_mother_and_her_son_are_walking_through_the/
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What do you call a fight between a human and a gorilla?

A harumble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0exz/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_a_human_and_a/
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You always hear about alpha males and beta males, but I'd prefer to be a gamma male

They have a higher rate of penetration...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0c82/you_always_hear_about_alpha_males_and_beta_males/
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Guy wakes up to breakfast in bed...

his lunch is made, and he notices he's late for work.  Frantically, he calls work, and they let him know that his wife already called to let them know he would be late.
He asks his son what happened that his mom was so happy.  The son says "Dad, you came home drunk last night, and mom brought you to bed, and when she tried to take your shirt off, you said 'Get off me lady, I'm married!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w09tx/guy_wakes_up_to_breakfast_in_bed/
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A police officer walked into a mental asylum and spoked to one of the patients.

"I'd like to thank you for saving that man who almost drowned by that river last night. But unfortunately, he hanged himself this morning."
To which the patient replied
"Oh I know! I hang him up to dry him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0990/a_police_officer_walked_into_a_mental_asylum_and/
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Donald Trump walks into an elevator...

and a gorgeous woman is inside and says, "When the doors close, I could drop to my knees and blow you."  Trump replies, "And what's in it for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w08ff/donald_trump_walks_into_an_elevator/
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A man put an ad in the newspaper, saying "WIFE WANTED".

The next day, he had hundreds of letters, saying
"You can have mine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w06b3/a_man_put_an_ad_in_the_newspaper_saying_wife/
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Is it because I'm black?

A black boy comes home from school. As he enters the house, he rushes up to his mom.
"Mommy, mommy" he says. "Today in English class the kids could recite the alphabet up to letter L, but I recited the whole alphabet up to Z. Is it because I'm black?"
"Why, yes honey" says his mom.
The next day when the boy comes home from school, he once again rushes up to his mom.
"Mommy, mommy" he says. "Today in math class, the kids could count up to ten, but I counted up to twenty. Is it because I'm black?"
"Why, yes honey"
The next day he goes up to his mother and says "Mommy, mommy. Today in the shower after gym class, the boys had small peepees, but I was the only one with a big peepee. Is it because I'm black?"
"No" says the mom, "it's because you're 34."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0266/is_it_because_im_black/
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What's a riot?

Three dyslexics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w023v/whats_a_riot/
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The Dedicated Husband

There was a man whose wife was in a coma. She had been in a coma for 5 years and every day, the man would visit the hospital and spend time with her despite her lack of progress. On this particular day, he found himself to be bored and got a little horny. So he reached over and began feeling up his wife and she let out a quiet moan. He leaped out of his chair and ran to the nearest doctor. He told the doctor about the incident and the doctor said,
"Well in some rare cases, that type of stimulation can actually arouse someone to awake from a coma. I'll tell you what, how about we pull the blinds and you go in there and try some ORAL stimulation."
"Well doctor, if you think it will work..."
So the man returned to the hospital room and the doctor drew the blinds behind him. He was in there for a few minutes before he came out looking rather disappointed and shaking his head.
"Well...?" the doctor said.
"She's dead..."
"What do you mean she's dead?"
"She choked...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w0151/the_dedicated_husband/
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A man on an airplane asked the stewardess to have sex with him on the plane.

The Stewardess said, "No way".
The man protested, "I have cancer, and this will be my last flight and I'd really like to join the mile high club before I die."
The Stewardess replied, "I don't give a flying fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w00gj/a_man_on_an_airplane_asked_the_stewardess_to_have/
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Two Canadians Are in Hell

Two Canadians are in hell, wearing winter coats and seem pretty cheerful.
The devil says to them "Why are you wearing such heavy coats?"
They say "Oh, it's a nice day in Canada!"
So the devil cranks the heat up.
The Canadians are now in shorts, tee shirts and playing baseball.
The devil says "Why are you having fun?"
They say: "Oh it's a wonderful day in Canada!"
The devil cranks the heat up as far as he can.
The Canadians are now in just boxers and laughing. This time the devil says nothing and *freezes* hell, bringing the temperature to the lowest point.
He goes to see the Canadians and they are happy-go-lucky and running around. The devil, having had enough of their happiness, asks "Why are you so happy?!"
The Canadians say: "They always said hell would freeze over if the Leafs ever won the Cup!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vzyac/two_canadians_are_in_hell/
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I think about other women when I'm having sex with my wife.

But I always think about her when I'm having sex with other women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vzw22/i_think_about_other_women_when_im_having_sex_with/
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A friend asked me if every sentence has to include a vegetable

I said not nessacelery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vzsmk/a_friend_asked_me_if_every_sentence_has_to/
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Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump race around the White House

The slightly younger and less overweight Hillary managed to win this one, and this is the response from major news networks:
NBC: "Hillary Clinton wins the race, while Donald Trump comes in last!"
FOX: "Donald Trump takes second place in the race, while Hillary Clinton only manages to beat one contestant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vzrm4/hillary_clinton_and_donald_trump_race_around_the/
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How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Illegal immigrants are stealing all the jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vzq2p/how_many_trump_supporters_does_it_take_to_change/
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How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?

Look for the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vzniq/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_a_snowstorm/
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How do Latino singers warm up?

Do Re Mi Fa Sol La Ti No

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vzndz/how_do_latino_singers_warm_up/
%
Whats the number one cause of pedophilia?

Sexy kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vzlm6/whats_the_number_one_cause_of_pedophilia/
%
I have a spreadsheet in which I keep count of every chocolate toffee bar.

I call it my Heath ledger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vzjaj/i_have_a_spreadsheet_in_which_i_keep_count_of/
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Robot For Sale

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vzido/robot_for_sale/
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Ive seen this place, filled with hills and green grass, people party and eat and just chill out. They live for hundreds of years in peace. Virtually no crime. sunshine most days, nice families, quaint neighbourhood...

anyone else notice there are no black hobbits in the shire?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vzf4i/ive_seen_this_place_filled_with_hills_and_green/
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An American, a Japanese, and a Chinese man are lost in a desert...

The three of them find a bottle in the sand and a genie appears. The genie says to them that he'll grant each of them three wishes.
The American says "I wish for alot of money". The genie grants his first wish. "I wish for even more money" The genie grants the wish again. "I want to use my third wish to go home". The genie teleports him back to America.
The Japanese man says "I want a beautiful girlfriend". The genie grants him his wish. "I want even more beautiful girlfriends". The genie grants him his second wish. "I want to go home". The genie teleports him back to Japan.
The Chinese man says "I'd like some rice." The genie grants his wish. "I'd like some more rice." The genie grants his second wish. "What would you like for your third and final wish?" asked the genie. The Chinese man thought about it for a while and said "I kinda miss those two, can you bring them back?" The genie teleports the two of them back into the desert.
The two of them are angry at the Chinese man but they come across another bottle. A genie appears and says "I will grant each of you one wish since I am not as powerful as the other genie."
The American and Japanese man cautiously tell the Chinese man to go first, afraid of what he'll wish for.
The genie asks "What would you like to wish for?" The Chinese man responds "I have enough rice. You can leave." And so the genie leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vze76/an_american_a_japanese_and_a_chinese_man_are_lost/
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What is the female equivalent to whiskey dick?

Wine box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vzc71/what_is_the_female_equivalent_to_whiskey_dick/
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What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.
The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces.
The more you know...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vzbyh/whats_heavier_a_ton_of_gold_or_a_ton_of_feathers/
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Luigi and his three hoes

(Make sure to tell this to someone you hate!)
Luigi has 3 hoes and sends them off to make him money while he waits back at home.
The first hoe comes back and says, "Luigi here's your $100". Luigi says, "I told you to bring me back $200". Hoe cries , "No Luigi you said $100". Luigi slaps her and says, "Bitch don't correct me".
The second hoe comes back and says, "Luigi here's your $100". Luigi says, "I told you to bring me back $200". Hoe cries, "No Luigi you said $100". Luigi slaps her and says, "Bitch don't correct me".
The third hoe comes back and says, "Luigi here's your $100". Luigi says, "I told you to bring me back $200". Hoe cries, "No Luigi you said $100". Luigi slaps her and says, "Bitch don't correct me".
The fourth hoe comes back and says... (By this point the person you're telling this joke to is gonna ask, "I thought Luigi only had 3 hoes?"
*Slap them and say* "Bitch don't correct me")

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vz6l0/luigi_and_his_three_hoes/
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Pick up line: Girl, do you run a Gorilla exhibit at the zoo?

Because I want to drop a baby in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vz38l/pick_up_line_girl_do_you_run_a_gorilla_exhibit_at/
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What do you call a clown and a crook rolling in feces?

The US elections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vz2ur/what_do_you_call_a_clown_and_a_crook_rolling_in/
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'One two three' cat and 'Un deux trois' cat decided to have a boat race. Who won?

'One two three' cat, because 'Un deux trois' cat sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vz27n/one_two_three_cat_and_un_deux_trois_cat_decided/
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A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank.

They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?"
The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..."
The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach for his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?"
The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"
The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vz1i0/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_decided_to_rob_a_bank/
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All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her.

Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vyz16/all_my_cds_are_in_my_exs_car_id_get_them_but_i/
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An old man is proudly explaining to his friend the new technique he and his wife learnt for remembering names.

'It involves associating a trait with an object. Gosh, I've just forgotten the name of that technique. Let's see. What's the name of that brightly colored plant people give their loved ones? His friend says: you mean a rose?
The old man says: yeah that's it, a rose. So he turns to his wife and says: Rose, what's the name of that technique we learnt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vyyly/an_old_man_is_proudly_explaining_to_his_friend/
%
A woman screams as she gives birth...

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vywtl/a_woman_screams_as_she_gives_birth/
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A man goes to see his priest...

A man goes to see his priest to confess his bad behavior.
Man: “I’m sorry father but I took the lords name in vain.”
Priest: “My son, you still seem upset at the matter. Why don’t you explain what happened and get it off your chest. You will feel much better afterwards.”
Man: “Ok father. I was out golfing and I was teeing up for a 375 yard hole. I was feeling well and thought I would try my best at getting my drive shot as close to the green as I could. So I put a lot more into my swing and I hit the ball further than I have ever hit it before. I hit it over 300 yards!”
Priest: “I know you got those new clubs. They are really good. Is that when you took the lords name in vain?”
Man: “No father. As I approached the ball, a squirrel ran out from the underbrush and carried it off. It ran up a shed, all the way to the roof, where I lost sight of it.”
Priest: “Is that when you took the lords name in vain?”
Man: ”No father. A hawk had spotted the squirrel and swooped down and snatched it up in its talons. The hawk then flew away with the squirrel, but the squirrel dropped my ball and it fell down onto the green and rolled to a few inches away from the hole.”
The priest paused for a moment, looking at the man.
Priest: ”You missed the fucking putt, didn’t ya.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vyvt3/a_man_goes_to_see_his_priest/
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A man walks into a bar...

And sees a tiny man playing the piano. He asked the bartender how he found this guy. The bartender tells him that there is a genie out back that will grant anyone's wishes. So the man goes to the genie and says "I wish for a million bucks". The genie snaps his fingers, and a million tiny ducks appear out of thin air. The man goes back to the bartender and exclaims "I asked for a million bucks, and the genie gave me a million ducks! What gives?" and the bartender looks at him and says
"Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vyt0o/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vyrmq/a_balding_white_haired_man_walks_into_a_jewelry/
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My father once taught me, "Either do something right or don't do it at all..."

I don't do many things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vyo2l/my_father_once_taught_me_either_do_something/
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Who was the best boxer of all time?

Jim Jones. He knocked out 909 people with one punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vylb1/who_was_the_best_boxer_of_all_time/
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What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vyjxv/whats_baked_every_day_and_sells_itself/
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A man and his wife built a boat...

They called it the *Alfred1*, after a friend of theirs. However, it was poorly constructed and sank immediately.
They continued to try to build seaworthy vessels, but the same thing happened over and over. With the *Brian2*, the *Chris3*, and the *Daniel4*.
"We're really not very good at this," the man said in disgust. "How do boats even work?"
"I don't know, but we'll figure it out," replied his wife. "We need an *ELI5*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vyjpe/a_man_and_his_wife_built_a_boat/
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence...

...because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vyi62/whenever_i_meet_a_pretty_girl_the_first_thing_i/
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Loose women

3 women are sitting at a bar conversing over lady stuff.
Eventually the first woman says, "I'm so loose I can fit an entire carrot up there.."
The second woman chimes in and says, "yes, well I'm so loose I can fit an entire baseball bat up there.."
The Third woman slides down the bar stool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vygfk/loose_women/
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Little Zachary was doing terribly at mathematics. He constantly scored F's, and his teachers said that he was dragging far behind his classmates.

His parents tried everything they could to help him improve. Flash cards, tutors, books, nothing seemed to work. Finally, after getting some advice from the counselor,  they decided to send him to a Catholic school.
Little Zachary didn't seem to mind. So the next week, he started going to the new Catholic school.
When he got home after the first day,  he immediately went up to his room and started studying furiously.  Papers were strewn about all over the room, and his parents could only look on in fascination.
After a few weeks, Little Zachary came home and handed a paper to his parents. It was a math quiz, with a big red 'A' on it. His parents were ecstatic!
After dinner, Little Zachary  sat down to talk with his parents. They wanted to know what made him change so much.
"Zachary, you've got to tell us. What made you improve so much. Was it the teachers?", asked his mother.
"Nope", said Little Zachary.
"Was it the nuns?" asked his father.
"Nope." replied Little Zachary.
"Was it the uniforms? The discipline? The other students? What was it?!?!" said his mother,  practically going mad.
"Well, the first day I went there, I saw statue of a guy nailed to a huge plus sign, so I knew they weren't messing around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vydlk/little_zachary_was_doing_terribly_at_mathematics/
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Tourists in Australia

George and Ethel retired, and decided to take a vacation in Australia and see the Outback.  While driving through the Outback, they came over a hill, and on the side of the road was a bushman having sex with a kangaroo.  George quickly shielded his wife's eyes while they drove by.
A few miles later, they happen across another bushman, again, having sex with a kangaroo, and again, George has to cover Ethel's eyes as they drive past.
The couple stops at a gas station further down the road, and George goes inside to use the bathroom.  In the bathroom, George sees a guy with one leg, leaning against his crutches, masturbating furiously.
Back in the store, George approaches the clerk at the counter, who cheerily asks "G'day mate, what can I do for you?"
"Maybe you can help me understand this place," George says.  "A few miles back, we saw a bushman having sex with a kangaroo, then a couple of miles later, there's another bushman violating another kangaroo!"  The clerk nods, while George continues.  "Now I get to this gas station, and there's a fellow with one leg in the bathroom masturbating!  What's going on here?"
The clerk looks at George and says, "Well, crikey mate, ya don't expect a bloke with one leg to catch a kangaroo, do ya?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vydin/tourists_in_australia/
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I went to a dinner party for anorexics.

There was an all-you-can't-eat buffet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vycyo/i_went_to_a_dinner_party_for_anorexics/
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What does a programmer do in the toilet?

A log dump!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vycsr/what_does_a_programmer_do_in_the_toilet/
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Michael Phelps will be the flag bearer for the 2016 USA Olympic Team

I hope he holds our flag high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vybtd/michael_phelps_will_be_the_flag_bearer_for_the/
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What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vybks/whats_heavier_a_ton_of_bricks_or_a_ton_of_feathers/
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I was tanning on the beach with my son.

After a while, he looked at me and said, "You're look like a lobster."
"Uh oh, do I need some sun tan lotion?" I asked.
He said, "No, you're just really ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vyawi/i_was_tanning_on_the_beach_with_my_son/
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Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"what's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"FAG"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vyao5/two_rednecks_decided_that_they_werent_going/
%
A man goes to the courthouse to change his name.

"What is your current name?" the clerk asks. "Adolph Trump."
"That *is* unfortunate," the clerk replies. "What do you want to change it to?"
"Adolph Jones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vy8ue/a_man_goes_to_the_courthouse_to_change_his_name/
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If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were in a car accident, who would survive?

America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vy7gb/if_donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton_were_in_a_car/
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Difference between computers and woman.

I have no problem turning on a computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vy5st/difference_between_computers_and_woman/
%
Don't date a left handed girl...

righty tighty
lefty loosey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vy3oj/dont_date_a_left_handed_girl/
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I'm not drunk

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else...
After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had
all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.
I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vy12s/im_not_drunk/
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Two zebras are pondering

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"
The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did,
and God replied, "You are what you are."
The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are."
The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vy0k8/two_zebras_are_pondering/
%
What is Russia's favorite imported product?

Ukraine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxz1y/what_is_russias_favorite_imported_product/
%
Two women were having lunch...

...when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.
"Thats amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. Were thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! Wed be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.
"Things couldnt be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact its better than its ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.
"Im afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxyv1/two_women_were_having_lunch/
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I Am Using Your Wife.

A man received message from his neighbour.
Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.
Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.
Few minutes later he received another massage.
Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...
it's not wife but WIFI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxy70/i_am_using_your_wife/
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What's slimy, long and smells like pork?

Kermit the Frog's Finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxxvq/whats_slimy_long_and_smells_like_pork/
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My gf said men only think with their penis.

I told her to go ahead and blow my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxxgv/my_gf_said_men_only_think_with_their_penis/
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I asked my grandfather for sex advice.

He said, "Slow down, you're going too fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxw7x/i_asked_my_grandfather_for_sex_advice/
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A father and son go fishing...

Son: Dad, what do we do first?
Father: We get this clickbait here and we throw it into the ocean.
Son: Then what happens?
Father: What happens next will shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxw0f/a_father_and_son_go_fishing/
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My therapist told me I have multiple personalities...

Now she charges me a group rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxvel/my_therapist_told_me_i_have_multiple_personalities/
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Why can’t Kim Kardashian find her asshole?

He’s on tour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxqs3/why_cant_kim_kardashian_find_her_asshole/
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Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain.

Captain: Are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxqmo/pirate_the_cannons_be_ready_captain/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxq87/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson/
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What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch?

A seizure salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxoxe/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_in_a_lettuce_patch/
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Whats the difference between a Christian and a Muslim?

One blows up kids, the other gets blown  by them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxox8/whats_the_difference_between_a_christian_and_a/
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My wife came home from work and stormed angrily into the bedroom where I was sat.

"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.
"Why?" I frowned.
"You've been very quiet recently. And you're always hanging around with that girl from work, Rachel?"
"Rochelle." coughed a voice from the wardrobe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxntn/my_wife_came_home_from_work_and_stormed_angrily/
%
2 men are robbing an apartment...

...when they hear sirens outside the building.
"We need to jump!" says the first man.
The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!"
"This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxjt5/2_men_are_robbing_an_apartment/
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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

U.
Because U keep reposting this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxhkc/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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What's green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxhfo/whats_green_fuzzy_and_if_it_fell_out_of_a_tree/
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A guy stopped me on the street today and tried to sell me a coffin...

I said "That's the last thing I need"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxdts/a_guy_stopped_me_on_the_street_today_and_tried_to/
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What did our parents do to kill time before the internet?

I asked my 21 brothers and sisters and they had no clue either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vxchm/what_did_our_parents_do_to_kill_time_before_the/
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A man has sex for the first time

The man was very nervous about having sex with his girlfriend for the very first time, because he was convinced that his penis would be too small.
Eventually he realized that he could not postpone it forever and he nervously invited her over to his house.
Hesitatingly he started to take off his clothes and after that he dimmed the lights. Very carefully he started taking off her clothes and he started stroking her.
Finally he nervously nestled his erection inside her hand, hoping she didn't realize how small it was.
"No thank you," she said, "I don't smoke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vx8n8/a_man_has_sex_for_the_first_time/
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Their was an explosion at the cheese factory

No one was hurt, but debris was everywhere..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vx60y/their_was_an_explosion_at_the_cheese_factory/
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I used to think air was free..

Until I bought a bag of chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vx50m/i_used_to_think_air_was_free/
%
What is the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

Hockey players shower after three periods..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vx4y0/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hockey_player/
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Whats Green, Red, and Moving at 70 MPH?

A Frog in a blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vx3yl/whats_green_red_and_moving_at_70_mph/
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I bought a racehorse today

and I named him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vx1h0/i_bought_a_racehorse_today/
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Yo Mama so ugly...

She can't even arouse suspicion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwz8r/yo_mama_so_ugly/
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An American company and Japanese company decided to have a boat race

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss and corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that the American team had too many people steering and not enough rowing.
As race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized.
The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide a work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwysd/an_american_company_and_japanese_company_decided/
%
TOILET TALK

I was in the public restroom and had just sat down. A voice from the next stall said “Hi...how are you?”
Embarrassed, I said, “Thanks...I’m doing fine.”
The voice said “So what are you up to?”
I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting right here!”
From next door, “Can I come over?”
Annoyed, I said, "I'm rather busy right now!”
The voice then said, “Listen, I'll have to call you back. There’s a moron in the next toilet stall answering all my questions!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwxjr/toilet_talk/
%
Why can't you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom?

Because dinosaurs went extinct 65 million years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwxh2/why_cant_you_hear_pterodactyls_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
What's the difference between Batman and a Black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwwe5/whats_the_difference_between_batman_and_a_black/
%
Your wife is locked out at the front door yelling at you and your dog is barking at the back door to be let in. Which do you let in first?

Your dog, because it'll stop barking once you let it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwuko/your_wife_is_locked_out_at_the_front_door_yelling/
%
Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and put a gun to his head. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this — I’m a US Congressman!"

"Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwqhw/late_one_night_a_robber_wearing_a_mask_stopped_a/
%
Say Daddy!

Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwqbc/say_daddy/
%
Reaching the end of a job interview..

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwof1/reaching_the_end_of_a_job_interview/
%
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple only comes on your face after puberty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwo8w/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_pimple/
%
What the hell is Minecraft?

Hitler's lesser known, second, book about his love of knitting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwn19/what_the_hell_is_minecraft/
%
Why did the nun swallow a needle?

So she could know what it's like to have a prick inside her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwmw7/why_did_the_nun_swallow_a_needle/
%
A woman in labour is screaming at her husband.

He says "Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to put it in your ass."
"But Nooo, u thought THAT MIGHT HURT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwlrk/a_woman_in_labour_is_screaming_at_her_husband/
%
I like my men how I like my wine.

Twelve years old and locked in a basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwl6v/i_like_my_men_how_i_like_my_wine/
%
Why can't dinosaurs talk?

Because they're all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwl03/why_cant_dinosaurs_talk/
%
"I'll take the red one."

A woman enters an adult toy store. She wanders around a bit, looking at lingerie and videos and magazines. She spends a long time at the section selling dildos, carefully examining packages and peering into display cases.
Finally, she approaches the sales counter. The clerk asks her, "Have you made a selection?"
"Yes, I'll take the red one over there."
"Ma'am, that's the fire extinguisher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwk1q/ill_take_the_red_one/
%
It's the end of the 2016 Presidential Race....

and the people of the US hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the White House and the person with the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes about 24 minutes. Trump goes next and arrives with a time of 14:26. Hillary Clinton goes last , running as fast as she can, trampling flowers and shrubs in her way in an effort to beat Trump's time. She finally crosses the finish line at just under ten minutes.
"Aha!" She exclaims, "That must be some kind of record!"
"I don't think so," says Obama, "Bush did 9:11"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwk0x/its_the_end_of_the_2016_presidential_race/
%
A bride and groom went missing shortly before their wedding...

...Finally, with only a few minutes remaining before the ceremony, the groomsmen found the groom, sporting a huge smile on his face.  They asked him why the big grin.
"I just got the BEST blowjob of my entire life, and it was from the woman I am about to marry!" was his response.
About the same time, the bridesmaids found the bride.  She also had a giant smile on her face.  They asked her why she was so happy.
She replied: "I just gave the LAST blowjob of my entire life!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vweb2/a_bride_and_groom_went_missing_shortly_before/
%
I once tried to write a book about my thoughts

But there's only so much you can put in a suicide note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vwbn2/i_once_tried_to_write_a_book_about_my_thoughts/
%
What's the most important part of a terrorist joke?

The execution. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vw9wy/whats_the_most_important_part_of_a_terrorist_joke/
%
What's the difference between a toddler and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vw9u1/whats_the_difference_between_a_toddler_and_a_bag/
%
Two men walking in a cemetery find a gravestone

Two men walking in a cemetery find a recent gravestone , so they read it:
-"Here lies an honest man and a competent lawyer"
So one of the guys turn to the other:
-"When did they start burying two people together?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vw6n0/two_men_walking_in_a_cemetery_find_a_gravestone/
%
A white man was arrested after shooting a black man on the street.

He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vw5k2/a_white_man_was_arrested_after_shooting_a_black/
%
A Japanese guy walks into an optometrists office...

He gets examined and the doctor says, "you have a cataract."
The guy replies, "No I don't, I drive a Rincoln."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vw42m/a_japanese_guy_walks_into_an_optometrists_office/
%
Three archaeologists of different nationalities are debating on whose culture was more advanced

The French archaeologist claims his ancestors were superior:
"We dug down 50 meters in Paris and we found copper. That must mean we had copper wiring which proves the French are more advanced."
The Italian scoffs, "Pah! That is nothing. We dug down 100 meters underwater in Venice and found glass. That indicates that my ancestors had fiber optics!"
The Israeli smiles and says, "We dug down 200 meters in Jerusalem and found nothing. That must mean that my ancestors invented wireless!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vw25a/three_archaeologists_of_different_nationalities/
%
So, there's this man named Dave and he's been a really successful doctor

However, lately he's been facing a little dilemma of wanting to have sex with his patients.
One voice in his head says, "Oh come on Dave, there's probably been plenty of doctors who have done this before, it won't be any different if you do it too".
The other voice in his head says "But Dave, you're a veterinarian".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvzqk/so_theres_this_man_named_dave_and_hes_been_a/
%
what do you call an underwater dog?

a sub-woofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvxfe/what_do_you_call_an_underwater_dog/
%
Why can't you fool the aborted baby?

It wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvvda/why_cant_you_fool_the_aborted_baby/
%
Do all black people have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvqq8/do_all_black_people_have_a_problem_with_slavery/
%
I always get nervous before injections so I shut my eyes.

I usually end up stabbing the chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvon8/i_always_get_nervous_before_injections_so_i_shut/
%
Disney songs that work best when someone dies.

Drug overdose: A Whole New World
Suicide: Hakuna Matata (because it means no worries for the rest of your days!)
After child birth: Circle of Life
Hypothermia: Let it Go
Failed sex change operation: Make a Man Out of You
Drowning: Under the Sea
Murder: Don't Mess With Me
Explosion: Go the Distance
Heart attack: It's an Small World
Alcohol poisoning: I'm Going to Go Back There Someday
Burning: Just Like Fire
STD: Just a Little Love
Abortion: Just One Mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvnzz/disney_songs_that_work_best_when_someone_dies/
%
How do you make an ugly baby?

Ask your parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvnzq/how_do_you_make_an_ugly_baby/
%
What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot?

Ow, mitosis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvmca/what_did_the_cell_say_to_his_sister_when_she/
%
My dad said not to masturbate or you go blind...

I told him, "Dad, I'm over here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvlhk/my_dad_said_not_to_masturbate_or_you_go_blind/
%
What do you get when you cross a turd and a mailbox?

Shitpost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvkxe/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_turd_and_a/
%
As my wife gave birth all the doctors yelled, "Push!"

I was convinced it was a Pull door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvjl3/as_my_wife_gave_birth_all_the_doctors_yelled_push/
%
Ive spent years searching for my ex-girlfriends killer...

But nobody will do it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvizj/ive_spent_years_searching_for_my_exgirlfriends/
%
A vegan, a feminist, and a Stranger Things fan walk into a bar...

I only know because they told everyone within two minutes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvimq/a_vegan_a_feminist_and_a_stranger_things_fan_walk/
%
My grandfather told me that teenagers have become so lazy because of technology.

"They're not the only ones," I said, looking at his mobility scooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvhus/my_grandfather_told_me_that_teenagers_have_become/
%
Trump & Clinton

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are stuck on a boat. Who survives?
America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvhqa/trump_clinton/
%
Whiteboards are amazing!

They're just so remarkable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvfq8/whiteboards_are_amazing/
%
Yesterday was National Girlfriend day and my girl friend really enjoyed it ..

... my wife .. not so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvewi/yesterday_was_national_girlfriend_day_and_my_girl/
%
I went to see my doctor about my insomnia.

Not sure he appreciated me knocking on his door at 3AM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvddo/i_went_to_see_my_doctor_about_my_insomnia/
%
My science teacher said he was going to show me his transistor.

Imagine my surprise when a girl with a penis appeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvcs5/my_science_teacher_said_he_was_going_to_show_me/
%
Dave cannot make his wife cum, so he goes to the doctor for some advice...

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get some air-con"
"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"
"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"
"Yeah, I've got a mate Mick"
"Well, ask your mate Mick to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Dave asks Mick for this favour, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Mick fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.
Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Mick, who is now shagging Dave's mrs. Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"
Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Mick?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvbuo/dave_cannot_make_his_wife_cum_so_he_goes_to_the/
%
Which tornadoes are the most refreshing?

F5 tornadoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvbst/which_tornadoes_are_the_most_refreshing/
%
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvaie/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
The Canadian Opera Company has announced that it will play a special concert series at the Vancouver Art Gallery.

They say that this will be the first time the COC has played in the VAG.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vv9w8/the_canadian_opera_company_has_announced_that_it/
%
My paper towels went missing

so I hired a Bounty hunter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vv8li/my_paper_towels_went_missing/
%
At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby.

They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vv8im/at_a_rally_today_donald_trump_ordered_the_secret/
%
The funny thing about strippers and fires...

The people that are going to show up are the other most experienced people on a pole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vv712/the_funny_thing_about_strippers_and_fires/
%
A woman in a bikini reveals about 90%

of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vv6fo/a_woman_in_a_bikini_reveals_about_90/
%
A father walks into a pharmacy...

... goes to the counter and asks the pharmacist about getting birth control for his 11 year old daughter. "My god, your 11 year old is sexually active!" The pharmacist exclaims. The dad replies, "not really, she just lies there and cries."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vv4mc/a_father_walks_into_a_pharmacy/
%
What do you call a donkey that falls into a pile of sugar?

A Sweet Ass ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vv321/what_do_you_call_a_donkey_that_falls_into_a_pile/
%
There has been an explosion at the paint factory down the road where my brother works...

He is missing, presumed red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vv2ct/there_has_been_an_explosion_at_the_paint_factory/
%
What's the difference between a guitarist and a pizza

A pizza can feed a family of four

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vuzxv/whats_the_difference_between_a_guitarist_and_a/
%
I peaked too soon in high school.

I'm still sending her child support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vuyyg/i_peaked_too_soon_in_high_school/
%
If life gives you melons...

You should get tested for dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vuw5d/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve

in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.
The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."
The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look at how calm and reserved they are, the are obviously British."
The North Korean says, "You two are both missing the point. They have no clothes, no shelter, they only have and apple to eat between them and yet they are being told that they live in paradise. They're clearly North Korean."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vuvk5/an_american_a_briton_and_a_north_korean_look_at_a/
%
I had a nosebleed in the shower.

It was a bloodbath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vuurt/i_had_a_nosebleed_in_the_shower/
%
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

I said about 30 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vuuea/a_friend_asked_me_how_much_i_spend_on_a_bottle_of/
%
Criminal on the electric chair. The officer asks: Any last wishes?

The criminal: Please hold my hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vur2y/criminal_on_the_electric_chair_the_officer_asks/
%
How does a racist joke start?

A small loan of a million dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vulxr/how_does_a_racist_joke_start/
%
So my wife got a new sewing machine this week and I know what you guys are thinking....

...sew what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vuktv/so_my_wife_got_a_new_sewing_machine_this_week_and/
%
A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar...

He orders a drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vujxb/a_priest_a_paedophile_and_a_rapist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A couple...

decides to have an holiday in a Carrabean beach, the same one they went on honeymoon 20 years before. The wife has some work matters to solve, so she's going to reach her husband after a week. At his arrival, he notices a pc had been added to the room, and that he could write an e-mail to his beloved. He mistakenly sends the message to a wrong address, that belonged to a widow who just came back home from her husband's funeral.
After a couple of hours, the widow's sons visits his mother, to assure she's alright. He finds the woman fainted on the carpet, right behind her pc. That's what he read on the screen:
"Dear wife,
I've just arrived. Everything was fine. You'll probably be surprised to have my notices by mail, but they have pcs here, now. As soon as I arrived, I assured everything was set for your arrival, next week. Hoping your trip goes as fine as mine.
P.S. don't take many clothes, it's hot as hell here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vuibl/a_couple/
%
When Canada became independent, a committee was formed to find a name for the new country.

The three men that were a part of the committee disagreed on all names brought up so far. Finally, they all decided to just say one letter that they could use to add together to make a name they all agreed on.
The first guy said "C, eh?"
The second guys went "N, eh?"
The last guy goes "D, eh?"
And that's how we got the name Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vui2u/when_canada_became_independent_a_committee_was/
%
I really like my eggs over-easy. Today, I was gonna try them scrambled...

...but it's not worth the whisk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vuhjh/i_really_like_my_eggs_overeasy_today_i_was_gonna/
%
Give a man a jacket, he'll be warm for a day

Teach a man to jacket, and he'll never leave the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vug9n/give_a_man_a_jacket_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
%
What's colorless and smells sweet?

Chloroform
SHHHH..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vud9b/whats_colorless_and_smells_sweet/
%
A prostitute walks into the doctor's office.

The doctor does some exams and after getting the results back realises the woman is pregnant.
"Do you know who the father is?" Asks the doctor.
The prostitute proclaims, "Well doc, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vud3c/a_prostitute_walks_into_the_doctors_office/
%
What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vucxy/what_do_girls_and_noodles_have_in_common/
%
A small village soup chef tried to make a bit of extra money on the side, selling boullion cubes laced with marijuana...

It was the laughing stock of the whole town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vu7np/a_small_village_soup_chef_tried_to_make_a_bit_of/
%
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vu6dc/when_i_lost_my_rifle_the_army_charged_me_85/
%
I want to die the same way I was born.

Naked, screaming, in a naked woman and covered in blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vu66k/i_want_to_die_the_same_way_i_was_born/
%
Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult
four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his p*nis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very,
very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ‘

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vu57b/black_testicles/
%
My girlfriend left me because I couldn't stop singing Linkin Park.

I don't know why it made her so angry, but in the end, it doesn't really matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vu4m3/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_i_couldnt_stop/
%
An American, a Mexican, and a Russian...

...are all sitting around drinking. The Russian, drinking a bottle of vodka, finishes it and then throws it up in the air and pulls out a gun and shoots it.
The Mexican says, "Why did you do that holmes?"
The Russian responds, "In my country we have a lot of those."
The Mexican, drinking Tequila, finishes his bottle throws it up in the air and pulls out a gun and shoots it.
The American says, "Why did you do that?"
The Mexican responds, "Oh, because we have a lot of those in my country."
The American, drinking a Coors Light, chugs the rest of it throws the bottle in the air pulls out a gun and shoots the Mexican.
The Russian says, "Why in the hell did you do that?!"
The American responds, "Oh because we have a lot of those in our country."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vu4jy/an_american_a_mexican_and_a_russian/
%
What do gyms and prisons have in common?

They're both full of ripped assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vu1u1/what_do_gyms_and_prisons_have_in_common/
%
Heath ledger and Jack Nicholson walk into a cell phone store...

The cellphone salesman looks at Heath Ledger and asks him what type of cellphone he would like, he says he wants the best cell phone they have. So the salesman hands him the best cell phone they sell and also asks him if he would like a text messages and data plan. Health responds of course I will, I can afford that no problem.
Jack Nicholson asks Heath - Wow, that's a lot of money just to send text messages, is it worth it?
Heath responds, it's not about the money, it's about sending a text message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vu1pb/heath_ledger_and_jack_nicholson_walk_into_a_cell/
%
Bert and Ernie are at the beach on a hot summer's afternoon...

Bert pulls out his cooler and opens it up.
"Do you want some ice cream, Ernie?"
"Sure Bert."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vu0ka/bert_and_ernie_are_at_the_beach_on_a_hot_summers/
%
Jesus must have had a chiseled, muscular body...

I mean, he did cross fit, for God's sake. And the Bible tells us he was cut, ripped, and shredded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vtznq/jesus_must_have_had_a_chiseled_muscular_body/
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Donald Trump is being held hostage...

Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"
Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"
Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vty4u/donald_trump_is_being_held_hostage/
%
I've done some calculations, and I figure, that at my current rate of pay I could live happily for the rest of my life.

If I died tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vtxyp/ive_done_some_calculations_and_i_figure_that_at/
%
"Dad, what do you think about abortion?"

--Ask your sister
--But I don't have a sis...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vtqi7/dad_what_do_you_think_about_abortion/
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Why did the man commit suicide by helium suffocation?

He wanted to go out on a high note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vtqaq/why_did_the_man_commit_suicide_by_helium/
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Doctor! Doctor! Please help me...

Me: I can't tell if my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's, what do I do?
Doctor: Take her to the mall and leave her there. If she comes back, don't fuck her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vtpdg/doctor_doctor_please_help_me/
%
Whats the difference between a jew and a canoe?

A canoe tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vtoj8/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_canoe/
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What does problems and ice cubes have in common?

Both go well with Alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vtmwt/what_does_problems_and_ice_cubes_have_in_common/
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I have a friend who has a strange obsession with ceilings.

I guess you could say he's a ceiling fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vtkpz/i_have_a_friend_who_has_a_strange_obsession_with/
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There was once a starving homeless man near Pyongyang...

This joke has been removed.
Food and shelter are plentiful in North Korea.
To desire more is greed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vtkik/there_was_once_a_starving_homeless_man_near/
%
I only date Chinese women...

They are used to seeing tons of red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vtk6m/i_only_date_chinese_women/
%
Airplane passengers watch nervously

As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.
&nbsp;
The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.
&nbsp;
"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day they're gonna scream too late, and we're gonna die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vtf0z/airplane_passengers_watch_nervously/
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paid a compliment

By a coworker, "every time I talk to you, I leave a smarter man."
I asked where he left him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vteds/paid_a_compliment/
%
Two shoes met and..

They had a converse-ation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vtd8i/two_shoes_met_and/
%
Organic chemistry is difficult

Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vtcxe/organic_chemistry_is_difficult/
%
I like my Friday nights like I like my jeans

high-wasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vtbl7/i_like_my_friday_nights_like_i_like_my_jeans/
%
What do Bud Light and having sex in a canoe have in common?

They're both fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vt8cp/what_do_bud_light_and_having_sex_in_a_canoe_have/
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A priest in church wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alcohol.

He took out a live worm, dipped it in a glass of water and pulled it out alive. 'See? The worm is alive and well'. He now dips the worm in a glass of whisky and pulls out the worm. He screams at the congregation 'look at this worm. It's dead now. What does that tell you? The drunk at the back says: if you drink whisky you won't get worms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vt7el/a_priest_in_church_wanted_to_demonstrate_the/
%
Thank you for calling the constipation hotline...

Please hold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vt6hi/thank_you_for_calling_the_constipation_hotline/
%
What do you call the hormone produced by Italian men?

pestosterone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vt6gi/what_do_you_call_the_hormone_produced_by_italian/
%
Setting the ground rules of a happy marriage

After the wedding, the groom sits down his bride and goes, "I just need to tell you three things. Every Wednesday night, come sun, rain or snow, we play football with the lads. Ok?"
"Yes", replied the bride.
"Every Saturday night, me and the lads go out drinking. Regardless whether you like it or not, it's happening"
"Ok", she said.
"And finally, every Sunday we go fishing. Am I being clear?"
"Yes", said the wife.
"Splendid. Now, do you have any rules of your own I need to be aware of?"
"Oh, just the one", she said. "Every night at 9 o'clock sharp, I have sex. Regardless whether my husband is home or not, I am having sex".
lost in translation and typed on mobile phone disclaimer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vt59l/setting_the_ground_rules_of_a_happy_marriage/
%
Can you stop making holocaust jokes? My grandfather died in Auschwitz

He fell out of a guard tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vszdv/can_you_stop_making_holocaust_jokes_my/
%
Today, I'm happy to say I am 12 years sober!

Unfortunately it was only the first 12 years of my life and I've been drunk ever since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vsz3x/today_im_happy_to_say_i_am_12_years_sober/
%
A man finds a bottle

A man was walking along the beach when he came across an old glass bottle with a cork in it. Curious, he pulled out the cork, and with a loud bang and a cloud of smoke, a genie appeared.
Excited, the man asked "Does this mean I get three wishes?"
"Yes," said the genie. "But all my wishes come with a price."
"I want to be rich," said the man.
And the genie replied "Very well, but it will cost you your good name, and all the people will dislike you."
"Who needs friends when you have money?" said the man. "Do it."
The genie waved his hands and said, "It is done. What is your second wish?"
The man thought for a minute and said "I wish for a beautiful wife."
"This will cost you your looks," said the genie. "You will be ugly and strange."
"With a beautiful wife, I no longer need to be attractive," said the man. "Do it."
The genie waved his hands and said, "It is done. What is your final wish?"
The man thought for a moment and said "I wish to be ruler of the whole world."
"I can grant this wish," said the genie, "but it will cost you all of your intelligence. You will be like a newborn baby, unable to speak or know what's happening around you."
"That's no good," said the man. "I want to be able to enjoy it. What can I get for half my intelligence?"
"Well, I could help you run for president..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vsz0b/a_man_finds_a_bottle/
%
The British are making a monument out of rocks to Harry Potter's author

When finished, it'll be called the Rowling Stones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vswc5/the_british_are_making_a_monument_out_of_rocks_to/
%
Her parents wanted her to date someone of her own ethnicity.

But Polly wanted a cracker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vstzm/her_parents_wanted_her_to_date_someone_of_her_own/
%
My wife broke her SatNav and wants $150 for a new one.

She can get lost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vspex/my_wife_broke_her_satnav_and_wants_150_for_a_new/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my uncle Charlie

Not kicking and screaming like the passengers on his bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vsp3b/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_just_like_my/
%
*burst into doctor's office*

ME: I'm no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I've had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vsnb9/burst_into_doctors_office/
%
An old couple were driving down a country road

henry, sees a sign… "cow for sale $5,000 dollars."
Martha, he says, there`s no damn way any cow is worth $5,000 dollars.
So he turns around, "i`ve got to talk to this farmer".
"Mister", he says, "there`s no goddamn way any cow is worth $5,000 dollars".
"This one is", replys the farmer.
"What`s so goddamn special about this cow?", henry asks.
The farmer lifts up the cows tail, and there it is, a pussy just like a womans.
So henry gets back in the car, driving down the road.
"It just ain`t fair, it just ain`t fair", he`s saying.
"What ain`t fair honey", martha asks.
"Well here`s a man with a cow that’s got a pussy just like a woman, Worth  $5,000 dollars", "and here you are, you got a cunt like a cow, not worth a fuckin nickle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vsn8i/an_old_couple_were_driving_down_a_country_road/
%
They don't have blood banks in England ...

... but they do have a liver pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vsmkj/they_dont_have_blood_banks_in_england/
%
Why should you always keep a firearm in the small room by your front door?

Foyer protection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vslt2/why_should_you_always_keep_a_firearm_in_the_small/
%
A drunken man walks into a biker bar

He sits down at the bar and orders a drink, looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table, he gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest,meanest one in the face and says " i went by your grandma's house today, saw her in the hallway butt naked, man, she is a fine looking woman"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word, his buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat, the drunk leans over to the table again and says "i got it on with your grandma, she is good, the best i ever had"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing
The drunk leans over to the table one more time and says " i'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it"  at this point the biker stands up takes the drunk by the shoulders and says " grandpa, go home, your drunk"
Thanks for your time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vslje/a_drunken_man_walks_into_a_biker_bar/
%
I forgot my phone when I went to the toilet today.

We have 245 tiles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vsi0c/i_forgot_my_phone_when_i_went_to_the_toilet_today/
%
A boy goes into a school for application...

A boy goes into a school for application.
Principal asks: What is your name?
Boy: N-n-n-neil Ph-ph-ph-phillips.
Principal: Are you a stutterer?
Boy: No, sir. My dad was one and the registrar was a son of a bitch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vshzv/a_boy_goes_into_a_school_for_application/
%
Hey honey, I bought some steaks. I need you to stand on this box next to me while I eat them.

Because it says right here, "Best if consumed by date on package."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vshpf/hey_honey_i_bought_some_steaks_i_need_you_to/
%
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vsgsr/a_united_states_marine_was_deployed_to_afghanistan/
%
Bill and Hillary

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’m disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”
He answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vsg5g/bill_and_hillary/
%
What's a terrible plate pun?

dish one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vseru/whats_a_terrible_plate_pun/
%
My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex...

Just this morning she asked me "Is that the best you can do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vse1g/my_daughter_has_gotten_to_the_age_where_she_asks/
%
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vscc1/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
What is the soft stuff between sharks' teeth?

Slow swimmers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vsbxi/what_is_the_soft_stuff_between_sharks_teeth/
%
Why do we hit things when they don't work?

Because it worked with slavery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vs6mu/why_do_we_hit_things_when_they_dont_work/
%
A guy is at a bar and meets an older woman

He thinks to himself, "wow, she's not too bad for someone in her 50's".
They talk and talk for a few hours and get pretty drunk. The woman then asks him, "have you ever had a mother daughter threesome?"
The guy gets excited by the thought of this but doesn't want to seem too desperate and says, "No, I haven't. Why do you ask?"
The woman replies, "well, today is your lucky day."
They both go back to her place and start kissing on her couch. The guy is too excited and can't wait any longer and asks, "so... what about that mother daughter thing?"
The woman replies, "Oh yea, Nearly forgot about that. Let me just call her, she's upstairs."
The woman stands up and shouts, "HEY MA! COME DOWN. I GOT A REAL LOOKER DOWN HERE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vs6ax/a_guy_is_at_a_bar_and_meets_an_older_woman/
%
A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red...

She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes to turn such a bright red?"
He replies, "Twice a day, I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. They turn red from blushing so much."
The woman decides to do the same thing.
So twice a day, for two weeks, she stands buck naked in her garden.
Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replies, "but you should see the size of my cucumbers! They're enormous!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vs5ka/a_beautiful_woman_loves_to_garden_but_cant_seem/
%
I hate spelling errors

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vs3zz/i_hate_spelling_errors/
%
What's the worst part of locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Going in to ask for a coat hanger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vs3ok/whats_the_worst_part_of_locking_your_keys_in_your/
%
What happens when you throw a green stone into the Red Sea?

It gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vs3fp/what_happens_when_you_throw_a_green_stone_into/
%
If your house it hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT AND SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY.

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vs3cu/if_your_house_it_hit_by_a_dolphin_do_not_go_out/
%
A son gets home from his English quiz...

and sees his mom at house.
"How did you do?" she asked,
"It was easy but question 5 confused me," he said.
"What was it?" said his mom.
"The question wanted the past tense of 'think.' I thought and thought and thought and finally came up with 'thinked.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vs094/a_son_gets_home_from_his_english_quiz/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrxa2/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_there/
%
They say alcohol cures everything, but that's a lie...

It still hasn't cured my alcoholism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrwoh/they_say_alcohol_cures_everything_but_thats_a_lie/
%
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrufl/after_god_created_24_hours_of_alternating/
%
What do you get when you cross my mom with my dad?

I don't know, but my Dad said it was a mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrucf/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_my_mom_with_my_dad/
%
About 4,000 years ago:

God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrped/about_4000_years_ago/
%
I went to my friend's new flat on the weekend for a party.

He should have gotten something more 3 dimensional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vroza/i_went_to_my_friends_new_flat_on_the_weekend_for/
%
I haven't spoken to my wife in 6mths,

I don't like to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrmx6/i_havent_spoken_to_my_wife_in_6mths/
%
My doctor told me I'm Bi-Polar

I wasn't sure to laugh or cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrmej/my_doctor_told_me_im_bipolar/
%
What did one saggy boob say to the other?

We better get some support quick or people are going to think we're nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrlem/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other/
%
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bucket of shit?

The Bucket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrj5x/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_a/
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The hero

Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry.
"Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you for Heaven. Can you tell me ANY good deed you've ever done?"
Joe thinks for a moment and says "Sure. I was driving through a bad part of town when I saw about 50 biker guys assaulting this poor girl. I slammed on my brakes, grabbed a tire iron, and walked up to this big guy who seemed to be the leader. All these guys let the girl run away and they formed a circle around me to see what I was gonna do. I laid that tire iron right across his head and he dropped like a stone. Then I turned and yelled to the rest of them "If I ever see you guys around this town again, I'll give you a real lesson in pain."
"Wow" says St. Peter, "I guess you really do qualify for Heaven. Tell me, when did this happen?"
"Oh", says Joe, "about two minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrggz/the_hero/
%
Q: What do you call an Oyster who is stuck in traffic?

A: A PearlJam 😃

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrg84/q_what_do_you_call_an_oyster_who_is_stuck_in/
%
Old man and the prostitute...!!!

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past.
She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"
The old man said, "but I won't be able to..."
Prostitute: "c'mon man.... give it a try... "
Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 inches and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.
When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to...."
"pay you" replied the old man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrcq8/old_man_and_the_prostitute/
%
why aren't there any Mexican athletes?

Because all the Mexicans who can run, swim or jump are already in the USA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrca6/why_arent_there_any_mexican_athletes/
%
A lime and banana decided to become a stand-up comedy duo and called themselves ...

Key and Peele.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrc83/a_lime_and_banana_decided_to_become_a_standup/
%
In Germany, we know of a joke

The French military.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vr6u4/in_germany_we_know_of_a_joke/
%
How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vqxll/how_much_did_it_cost_the_pirate_to_get_his_ears/
%
Three women are about to be executed

. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
&nbsp;
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
&nbsp;
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
&nbsp;
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
&nbsp;
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
&nbsp;
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
&nbsp;
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
&nbsp;
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
&nbsp;
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
&nbsp;
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vqxlj/three_women_are_about_to_be_executed/
%
Three cows are standing in a field.

Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter
Cow 3: Holy shit a talking cow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vqsqz/three_cows_are_standing_in_a_field/
%
"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."

Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"
Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vqoek/my_first_son_has_a_phd_in_arts_my_daughter_has/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vqnnb/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
How do you know a white person is about to tell a joke?

He's looking over his shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vqmfe/how_do_you_know_a_white_person_is_about_to_tell_a/
%
I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
Fuck you, Chelsey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vqkub/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_shed_like_a_day_of/
%
What do you call a black guy in a museum?

Antique farm equipment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vqjpq/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_in_a_museum/
%
What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.
Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vqjp2/whats_the_difference_between_donald_and_a_piece/
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A Zebra dies and goes to heaven

While he's being checked in by St Peter, the zebra says "Before I go in, I'd like an answer to one question I've always wondered about. Am I a black horse with white stripes, or a white horse with black stripes?"
St Peter says, "That's a good question. Let me go ask God."  So St Peter goes inside, and comes out a few minutes later to announce "God says ... You Are What You Are."
The Zebra looks confused, and asks "What is that supposed to mean?"
St Peter says "It means you're a white horse with black stripes."
The Zebra, still confused, says "How do you get that?"
St Peter says "Otherwise, God would have said You Is What You Is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vqjkf/a_zebra_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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What do you call Mexican food when it gets cold?

A burrrrrrito.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vqijb/what_do_you_call_mexican_food_when_it_gets_cold/
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Why did the cold war last so long?

The US couldn't stop Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vqfzd/why_did_the_cold_war_last_so_long/
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I don't know why people dislike roman Numerals.

I, for one, like them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vqfh2/i_dont_know_why_people_dislike_roman_numerals/
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I think my wife is changing our son's diapers too often.

It says right on the box that they're good for up to 14lbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vqdaf/i_think_my_wife_is_changing_our_sons_diapers_too/
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My brother David had his ID stolen

Now he's just Dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vq9s8/my_brother_david_had_his_id_stolen/
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What's E.T. short for?

Cos he's only got little legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vq7g3/whats_et_short_for/
%
A Linux sysadmin walks into a pharmacy

.
"ephedrine?"
"I can't serve you that"
"sudoephedrine"
"There you go".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vq6ty/a_linux_sysadmin_walks_into_a_pharmacy/
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A man gets bitten by a snake on his dick...

He cries out to his friend to get a doctor. His friend leaves and runs through the tall grass, crosses a river and climbs over a hill of rocks before stumbling into the doctor's office dirtied from the grass, wet from the river and bloody from the rocks.
The friend says to the doctor, "My friend got bitten by a snake and I need you to see him!"
The doctor says, "I'm unable to leave because I have to take care of my patient, but here's what you can do. Take this knife and cut open the bite and suck out the venom."
The friend takes the knife and runs back the same way. He climbs down the hill of rocks, crosses the river and runs through the tall grass before arriving back while looking more dirty, wet and bloody than before.
The man yelled to his friend, "What did the doctor say?"
His friend gave him a smile and says, "The doctor says you're gonna die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vq5f5/a_man_gets_bitten_by_a_snake_on_his_dick/
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Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize?

Because he was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vq50c/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_nobel_prize/
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Why did the global warming activist compliment the earth?

Cause it looked hotter than usual! (I'll see myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vq4he/why_did_the_global_warming_activist_compliment/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

A picture of Jesus only needs *one nail* to hold it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vq4dn/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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My poor knowledge of Greek mythology

Has been my Achilles elbow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vq2sy/my_poor_knowledge_of_greek_mythology/
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vq1ry/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
%
What did the duck say to the avacado?

guac guac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vq0wx/what_did_the_duck_say_to_the_avacado/
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Is your refrigerator running?

If so, I'll vote for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vq03k/is_your_refrigerator_running/
%
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

"You are too young to smoke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vpyk0/what_did_the_big_chimney_say_to_the_little_chimney/
%
What do you call a discount sauna?

A steam sale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vprsl/what_do_you_call_a_discount_sauna/
%
What does a perverted frog say?

Rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vprc0/what_does_a_perverted_frog_say/
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I just left my job. I could not work for my boss after the words he said to me.

"You're fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vp7ur/i_just_left_my_job_i_could_not_work_for_my_boss/
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My grandparents, parents, and even my siblings have chronic diarrhea...

runs in the family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vp51w/my_grandparents_parents_and_even_my_siblings_have/
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136 days!

Three guys are celebrating in a bar.
They keep high-fiving each other and yelling, "136 days!" "136 days!"
They are so excited, the bartender can't stand it any longer.
"Hey," he says, "what are you guys celebrating?"
"We finished a jigsaw puzzle!" says one of them.
"You finished a jigsaw puzzle???" says the bartender. "How come that's so exciting?"
"Well, it said on the box 'Four to six years'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vp3x9/136_days/
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Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.' Operator: 'What is your location sir?' Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....' Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute. Operator: 'Are you there sir?' More heavy breathing and another minute later. Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?' This goes on for another few minutes until.... Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?' Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vp14u/paddy_phones_an_ambulance_because_his_mates_been/
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What did the horny aliens say when they invaded a planet of vegetables?

"We cum in peas!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vozpk/what_did_the_horny_aliens_say_when_they_invaded_a/
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A man was stranded on a desert island...

...for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"
The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vovgf/a_man_was_stranded_on_a_desert_island/
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What rhymes with orange?

no,  it doesnt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vov1h/what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
I was talking to the anorexic cannibal..

I told him self-indulgence isn't the answer and he needs to face his problems.
He threw up his arms and walked away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vouxe/i_was_talking_to_the_anorexic_cannibal/
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What did God say to Noah?

"Make a backup, I need to re-format this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4voubc/what_did_god_say_to_noah/
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Hillary Clinton Meets Satan

Hillary was finishing up a day on the campaign trail when the Devil suddenly appeared in her and made her an offer.
“I am here to make you a deal,” the Devil says. “I will give you unlimited wealth, power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents.”
Hillary ponders for a moment and then asks, “Unlimited wealth and power?”
“Completely unlimited,” the Devil confirms.
“A pandering media?” she asked.
“They’ll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you do or say,” the Devil assured.
“And you want my soul, my family’s souls, and the souls of my constituents?” she asks.
“Yes. All of them,” says the Devil.
Hillary thinks deeply about it, then finally says, “So…what’s the catch?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vosre/hillary_clinton_meets_satan/
%
When do Arabs return their library books?

the day they're Dubai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vos7m/when_do_arabs_return_their_library_books/
%
What do you call a cow masterbating?

Beef stroking off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vos5m/what_do_you_call_a_cow_masterbating/
%
What kind of cars do shellfish drive?

Mussel cars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vopfh/what_kind_of_cars_do_shellfish_drive/
%
Why is Hillary running for President?

Because it's easier than running from the law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4von2h/why_is_hillary_running_for_president/
%
A warning to prisoners of the Matrix

Snitches get glitches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vomy7/a_warning_to_prisoners_of_the_matrix/
%
Ralph and Edna

were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
How soon can I go home?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4volph/ralph_and_edna/
%
How does James Bond sleep?

Around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4voli4/how_does_james_bond_sleep/
%
A blond is driving down a California highway and sees a semi pulled over on the side of the road broken down. She asks the driver "do you need a ride." The semi driver says "no I'll fix the truck but I have 2 chimps that need to get to the San Diego zoo, I'll give you $100 if you take them there."

"Sure" says the lady. He helps her get them strapped in and she was on her way. A few hours later the semi driver got into San Diego and sees this woman walking down the street with the chimps. He pulls over and hollers "What the hell? I gave you $100 to take these chimps to the San Diego zoo." Looking confused the lady responds "we did go to the zoo, we have change left over so we are going to SeaWorld."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vokpe/a_blond_is_driving_down_a_california_highway_and/
%
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner...

...The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4voj3p/a_husband_and_a_wife_sit_at_the_table_having/
%
If you look long enough and hard enough

you could make a lot of money doing porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4voj2g/if_you_look_long_enough_and_hard_enough/
%
I held the door open for a Japanese woman today and she said, "sank you."

Pretty fucked up for her to bring up Pearl Harbor like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4voitw/i_held_the_door_open_for_a_japanese_woman_today/
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A hispanic man with a rubber toe

His name...was Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4voi3w/a_hispanic_man_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
I told my girlfriend to give me the worst handjob ever.

I was surprised she could pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vohp5/i_told_my_girlfriend_to_give_me_the_worst_handjob/
%
What do you call the ghost of a chicken?

A poultry-geist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vogf5/what_do_you_call_the_ghost_of_a_chicken/
%
What rhymes with orange?

No it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vodto/what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
A Black guy arrives at Heavens Gates...

The man is worried that due to his race, they might discriminate and not let him in. So when he walks up to the pearly gates he decides that at the very least, to better his chances to get in, he can change his name to that of a white person.
"Name?" asks St. Peter
The man searches for a name in his mind and finally lands on one.
"Leonardo DiCaprio"
St. Peter gives a stern look at the man and asks for his real name.
The man gives him the same response and St Peter squints his eyes, not quite convinced.
"Give me a second, I've got to make a call to the man upstairs"
St Peter turns around and pulls out a phone, dialling for God. The phone rings a couple times before a deep voice asks what's up.
St Peter replies, "Quick question sir, did the Titanic sink? Or did it burn?"
*My grandpa gave me this joke in Spanish, thought it would work nicely in English and yes I know dicaprio didn't actually ride the titanic.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4voayp/a_black_guy_arrives_at_heavens_gates/
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Kim Jong Un

I remember reading a news story about North Korean propaganda.  One piece involved a lie Kim Jong Un told his people.  In an effort to deceive the people into thinking he was a deity, he told them he never has to defecate.  I remember reading that and thinking, "Wow, he is so full of shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vo71h/kim_jong_un/
%
What an Idea..!!!

My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.
Why didn't I think of that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vo2pq/what_an_idea/
%
What does a house wear?

Address!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vo0gz/what_does_a_house_wear/
%
A lier, crook, and murderer walks into a bar....

The bartender asks, "What'll it be, Mrs. Clinton?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vnzh9/a_lier_crook_and_murderer_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A Boy Asked His Crush Out To Prom...

A boy asked his crush to prom. His crush agreed, so the boy went to get a suit. There was a long line at the register, but the boy got the suit.
Then he went for a bouquet of flowers, there was another long line at the store, but he purchased the flowers.
Finally, he had to buy tickets, there was yet another long line for the tickets but he waited, and eventually got what he needed.
The boy and his girlfriend were at prom dancing. After the music stopped, the girl asked for a glass of punch. The boy went to get drinks and there was no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vnyfs/a_boy_asked_his_crush_out_to_prom/
%
My girlfriend started smoking

So I slowed down and applied some lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vnxa6/my_girlfriend_started_smoking/
%
Funeral Dog

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men...
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vnx95/funeral_dog/
%
As an airplane is about to crash...

a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vnwub/as_an_airplane_is_about_to_crash/
%
Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard

911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"
Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vnwq9/woman_calls_911_about_a_peeping_tom_in_her_yard/
%
My favorite position is the 68.

You go down on me and I'll owe you one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vntiq/my_favorite_position_is_the_68/
%
There are three guys on a boat

and four cigarettes, and there are no lighters or matches or anything to light them with, so what do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vnq2x/there_are_three_guys_on_a_boat/
%
I told my doctor that I keep getting embarrassing erections.

He said, "It's OK. Just think of your grandma."
As I sat there with my cock in my hand, I said, "Then what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vnny3/i_told_my_doctor_that_i_keep_getting_embarrassing/
%
Three logicians walk into a bar

The bartender asks if they want 3 beers?
The first logician says: I don't know.
The second logician says: I don't know.
The third logician says: Yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vnm06/three_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.

**It was riveting!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vnlry/i_saw_a_documentary_on_how_ships_are_kept_together/
%
A flamingo, a duck, and a lawyer...

Q:  What can a flamingo do that a duck can't that a lawyer should?
A:  Stick its bill up its ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vncpe/a_flamingo_a_duck_and_a_lawyer/
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NSFW You're the father of one of my kids

Roberto is waiting on line for a coffee when a stunning woman flashes him a dazzling smile and beckons for him to come over. Hardly believing his luck that such a bombshell would show interest, he tries to play it cool as he strolls across the coffee shop to her table.
"Hi, I couldn't help but notice you were smiling at me. Do we know each other?"
"Actually I am almost positive that you are one of my kids' father."
Roberto is taken aback and tries to rack his brain. Surely he would have remembered her, he had only been unfaithful to his wife a handful of times... And then it comes to him in a flash.
"Wait a second, you're that stripper at my cousin's bachelor party that I fucked on the pool table while the other stripper played with my balls, right? I'm sorry I didn't recognize you right away, I was very drunk."
The woman's face turned from smiling to shocked, and she spluttered "I'm... uh, I meant that I think your son is in my group; I'm the new daycare teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vnagm/nsfw_youre_the_father_of_one_of_my_kids/
%
What's brown and sticky?

My poster of Beyonce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vn8p2/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
MacGyver, Optimus Prime, Jesus and I went to a bar...

MacGyver started talking about how he can make a phone out of pretty much any items laying around in the bar. Optimus Prime just had to one-up and said he could actually transform himself into a phone. We all looked at Jesus. Jesus was all smuck and told us he could take any phone and use it to call The God himself. They all turned to me. And there I was just thinking  to myself: "I must be on acid again" :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vn77t/macgyver_optimus_prime_jesus_and_i_went_to_a_bar/
%
What’s yellow and covers assholes?

The Lakers uniform.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vn6gp/whats_yellow_and_covers_assholes/
%
A very bright scientist was conducting experiments on frogs

He spent a lot of time teaching them to jump as they heard the word *jump*.
And so, after he had 10 frogs that could jump when they heard the word *jump*, he took one to the experimentation room, put the frog on the table.
"*Jump*"
Sure enough, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote a note in his research booklet, then proceeded to cut a leg off the frog.
"*Jump*"
Trying an awkward jump, the frog still managed to flop as it tried to jump.
The scientist took note and proceeded to cut the second leg of the frog.
"*Jump*"
And, nothing happened. The frog didn't move.
"*Jump*"
And again, nothing.
The scientist took note, then killed the poor frog that couldn't move anymore and repeated the experiment with all 9 other frogs.
Afterwards, he decides he can discuss his findings with the higher ups:
"Well, when you cut two legs to a frog, they become deaf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vn3d5/a_very_bright_scientist_was_conducting/
%
I found a dead mouse in my mother's basement.

Honestly, I hate being a gynaecologist sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vn2b1/i_found_a_dead_mouse_in_my_mothers_basement/
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What do Bill Clinton and Dick Cheney have in common?

Both shot someone in the face while in office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vn262/what_do_bill_clinton_and_dick_cheney_have_in/
%
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam

You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vn21x/whats_the_difference_between_peanut_butter_and_jam/
%
What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market?

"Is this a tumblr meetup?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vn0qo/what_did_the_blind_man_say_when_he_walked_past/
%
Tried to start an origami company...

It folded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmze9/tried_to_start_an_origami_company/
%
What's brown and rhymes with 'snoop?'

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmyd8/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
I asked my doctor

"Just how bad is my halitosis?"
"Pretty fucking bad," he replied, hanging up the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmwwy/i_asked_my_doctor/
%
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident..

It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, *'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.'*
The man replies, *'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!'*
The woman continues, *'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'*
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman. Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, *'Aren't you having any?'*
The woman replies, *'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmwqc/a_woman_and_a_man_are_involved_in_a_car_accident/
%
Four men were in a bar talking about their children.

The first guy starts, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser as he started washing cars. But now he has become a salesman. He is so successful that he gave his best friend a new mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy follows," I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves. He is also now a salesman and he's so rich that he actually gave his best friend a new bungalow for his birthday."
The third guy adds," Yeah, I hear you. My son started mopping toilets. They made him a broker now and he owns it. He is so rich that he gave his best friend 10mil in stocks for his birthday."
Lastly, the fourth guy speaks, "MY son is a complete, hopeless loser who has not even bothered to get a job. I also just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, looking on the bright side, his boyfriends have got him a mercedes, a bungalow, and 10mil in stocks for his recent birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmrqk/four_men_were_in_a_bar_talking_about_their/
%
Double standards are amazing.

If I take my top off I'm called a "poser".
But if a women does it, suddenly I'm not allowed to masturbate?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmr00/double_standards_are_amazing/
%
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmopp/my_friend_asked_me_to_describe_myself_in_3_words/
%
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning...

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a pair of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help," she said. "I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Er --", the man started to say.
"No, I insist," she replied.
"But --"
"I insist," she repeated, and despite his objections, she gently moved his hands to the side and loosened his pants.
Then she put her hands inside and began to massage him.
After a moment she asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "Well, it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmnes/a_couple_of_women_were_playing_golf_one_sunny/
%
A photon checks into a hotel..

The bellhop says: "Can I get your bags?"
The photon says: "that's ok, I'm traveling light"
- I heard Neil DeGrasse Tyson tell this joke with pure giddiness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmn52/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
%
I saw a pink bird with a sore throat.

Must have been a phlegmingo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmme5/i_saw_a_pink_bird_with_a_sore_throat/
%
Why are so many computer scientists atheists?

Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmlrs/why_are_so_many_computer_scientists_atheists/
%
The first human migrants to America are about to cross the land bridge between Eastern Russia and Alaska. The navigator seems a bit lost.

The year is 13,000 BC. The first human migrants to America are about to cross the land bridge between Eastern Russia and Alaska. The navigator seems a bit lost.
"You alright?" They ask him, waiting eagerly at the shore with a distant view of the new lands that awaited them.
"Yeah, I think so," the navigator replies, staring intently at some kind of primitive sundial-compass and peering with hand to brow at the distant mountains, the sun, and the sea, "I just need to get my Bering Strait."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmdg0/the_first_human_migrants_to_america_are_about_to/
%
What do u call a Mexican who survives a shootout and lives to tell the tale?

The Juan who lived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmcwc/what_do_u_call_a_mexican_who_survives_a_shootout/
%
How do you get a bunch of Canadians out of a swimming pool?

Say "Get out of the pool."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmbbo/how_do_you_get_a_bunch_of_canadians_out_of_a/
%
As I was going to St. Ives I met a man with seven wives

And that fucker looked depressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmasq/as_i_was_going_to_st_ives_i_met_a_man_with_seven/
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vm32j/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
I recently watched my wedding video backwards.

I love the part where I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vm2ck/i_recently_watched_my_wedding_video_backwards/
%
What do you think of wearing a straight jacket?

I think I could pull it off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vm1rs/what_do_you_think_of_wearing_a_straight_jacket/
%
"I'm so nervous,...

...this is the first time that I'm with a prostitute."
"Just relax and tell me what you like."
"I like turtles" :-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vm1hc/im_so_nervous/
%
People use to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian"

Well nobody is laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vm026/people_use_to_laugh_at_me_when_i_would_say_i_want/
%
I'm going to buy a boomerang now...

You need friends to play Frisbee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vlymw/im_going_to_buy_a_boomerang_now/
%
I bought a pair of sneakers from my drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vlrvp/i_bought_a_pair_of_sneakers_from_my_drug_dealer/
%
I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.

Luckliy it was only a virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vlojw/i_accidentally_clicked_on_a_youve_won_an/
%
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Lamborghini?

The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vlnh9/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
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Sometimes I use words that I don't even understand myself.

I think, it makes me look more photosynthetic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vlnfb/sometimes_i_use_words_that_i_dont_even_understand/
%
What does the word 'gay' mean?

asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vllsi/what_does_the_word_gay_mean/
%
What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vllrd/whats_the_hardest_part_breaking_up_with_a/
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Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair...

... What happens next will shock you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vlkeq/court_decision_i_hereby_find_you_guilty_of/
%
Science confirm that humans can ingest deadly poison or even molten lava.

Once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vlf3n/science_confirm_that_humans_can_ingest_deadly/
%
Why is Hillary Clinton running for President?

Because it's easier than running from Law Enforcement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vlez0/why_is_hillary_clinton_running_for_president/
%
Opinions are like orgasms...

Mine is more important, and I don't really care if you have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vlej1/opinions_are_like_orgasms/
%
The blonde and ventriloquist

A blond woman goes into a pub, where a ventriloquist sits at the scene with a puppet who tells the one blonde joke after the other. After a while the blonde gets angry and goes up to the ventriloquist and says: "shut up about all the blonde jokes, we are not that stupid".
The ventriloquist then replies: "Sorry, but these are just jokes, you are not supposed to take them seriously".
"I was not talking to you, I was talking to that little bastard on your lap".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vlc8c/the_blonde_and_ventriloquist/
%
What did one deodorant say to the other?

I can't understand you, your axe scent is too strong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vlc14/what_did_one_deodorant_say_to_the_other/
%
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vlajp/i_told_my_wife_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too_high/
%
What’s yellow and covers assholes?

The Lakers uniform.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vl8di/whats_yellow_and_covers_assholes/
%
I clicked "Submit a Joke" before thinking of what I'd say

Now I know how the Republican party feels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vl5wd/i_clicked_submit_a_joke_before_thinking_of_what/
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Why does everyone love when a ghost goes to a party?

Because he always brings the boos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vl4zr/why_does_everyone_love_when_a_ghost_goes_to_a/
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So I decided to submit a joke about Ned Stark's head

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vl4gb/so_i_decided_to_submit_a_joke_about_ned_starks/
%
Little Johnny puts a dot on the blackboard

The teacher in her first grade class asks her students to come to the chalkboard and draw something that causes a lot of excitement and commotion. Little Johnny comes up and simply puts a dot on the chalkboard. The teacher asks "what is that?" Little Johnny replies, "it's a period." The teacher says "why does it cause excitement and commotion?" Little Johnny says "it doesn't, but my sister said she missed one this morning and my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the guy next door shot himself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vl49j/little_johnny_puts_a_dot_on_the_blackboard/
%
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vl1sa/why_do_white_girls_always_travel_in_odd_numbers/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vky47/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
A city boy shoots a duck...

And it lands on the property of a farmer. As the boy walks up to retrieve his fresh kill, the farmer stops him and clears his throat.
"S'cuse me son, but that's my duck", grumbles the Farmer.
"Well I shot it so its mine", argued the City Boy.
That you did, but it landed on my property and 'round these parts that means that the duck is mine, dead or alive".
The City boy glared at the farmer and the two exchanged glances.
During this, the Farmer remembered  an old tradition his Paw used to use to resolve situations like this one.
"You know what boy? I respect you, so we will settle this like  farmers do."
"So heres ho we do it:  I kick you in the nuts then in return, you kick me in the nuts. We keep going till somebody drops. Whoever is standing last gets to keep the duck".
The City Boy looked suspicious but, being a punter on his high school football team years back, decides to give it a try.
The Farmer goes first. He winds up, twists his hips, ans delivers a huge blow to the Boys balls. He buckles his knees but manages to stay standing, cursing and turning red.
The City Boy then gets enraged and excited to return an even more painful kick. As he winds up the Farmer stops him and says:
"Fuck it, keep the duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vkxfb/a_city_boy_shoots_a_duck/
%
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door

bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vkxdi/paddy_rings_his_new_girlfriends_door/
%
Why did the alligator wear a vest?

He was an investigator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vkws4/why_did_the_alligator_wear_a_vest/
%
BREAKING NEWS

A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vkwnb/breaking_news/
%
A man walks into an Australian pet store,

He asks the bloke behind the counter "where do you keep the kangaroos mate?"
The bloke replies, "outback."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vkpwg/a_man_walks_into_an_australian_pet_store/
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I was offered a part in a silent film.

I’m speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vkmwg/i_was_offered_a_part_in_a_silent_film/
%
There was once a viking who believed in reincarnation.

He was hoping that after dying he'd be Bjorn again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vkle9/there_was_once_a_viking_who_believed_in/
%
You ever stick your dick in pecan pie?

It's fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vkfbs/you_ever_stick_your_dick_in_pecan_pie/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it goes out for milk and doesn't comeback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vkdhw/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
I finished my culinary class final.

It was a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vkdgh/i_finished_my_culinary_class_final/
%
Have you heard the joke about what's in the egg

Sorry, you wouldn't find it funny it's more of an inside yolk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vka1q/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_whats_in_the_egg/
%
How to sell toothbrushes

Monday at school, the teacher lined up all the students and had them present their weekend homework: their assignment was to sell something and give a presentation on effective salesmanship.
Sally was up first. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30. My sales approach was to appeal to people's sense of civic duty and I credit that for my success."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher. "Next?"
Jenny went next. "I sold magazines and I made $45," she said. "My approach was to convince people that the magazines would keep them up to date on current events and trends."
"Very good, Jenny," the teacher said. Eventually it was Little Johnny's turn and as he walked up to the front carrying a large cardboard box, the teacher held her breath.
He dumped the box out onto the teacher's desk, covering it with cash. "I made $2,167," Little Johnny said.
"$2,167?!" the teacher exclaimed. "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes?!" echoed the teacher. "How on earth did you sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town, and set up a chips & dip stand and gave everyone who came by a free sample. They all said the same thing: 'This tastes like dog crap!' 'It *is* dog crap,' I told them. 'Want to buy a toothbrush?'"
The teacher's jaw dropped.
"I used the government's approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vk86d/how_to_sell_toothbrushes/
%
A woman was pulled over for speeding...

When the officer reaches the vehicle he informs the woman that she was driving more than double the speed limit and asks to see her license and registration. The woman refuses to produce them and, when asked why, states that she doesn't have a license or registration and that the vehicle is stolen.
Taken aback the officer asks her to open the trunk and step out of the vehicle. Again the woman refuses and tells the officer that she can't open the trunk because inside is the dead body of the vehicle's rightful owner, who she killed earlier that day.
Completely flabbergasted, the officer tears open her door, pulls her out of the car, cuffs her, and hauls her to the back seat of his cruiser. He then calls dispatch and asks for backup and a forensic team to join him at the scene.
Once the forensic team arrives they open the trunk of the woman's car and find nothing. No body, no blood. They search the car top to bottom and find the vehicle registration in the car's glove box and the woman's license in her purse, both matching her identity. A second officer who is now on the scene retrieves the woman from the cruiser, sits her on the curb, and begins to question her.
"Ma'am, do you own this car?"
"Yes sir"
"You didn't steal this car, kill the owner, and stuff them in the trunk?"
"No sir"
"This officer told me that you refused to produce your license and registration and that you stole this car and killed the owner."
"I'll bet he told you I was speeding too, didn't he."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vk7bk/a_woman_was_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common?

They both contain high amounts of trans fats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vk75w/what_does_tumblr_and_kfcs_chicken_have_in_common/
%
I fostered a child the other day

...Got him in the back of the head with all four cans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vk2jb/i_fostered_a_child_the_other_day/
%
A rope walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "get out, we don't serve ropes here." So the rope leaves, loosens up its end bits, and ties its self up. The rope then walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "aren't you the same rope I just told to get out of here?" And the rope says, "nope, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vk2c9/a_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Local cyborg beats another cyborg to death for it's Sodium-nickle batteries, proceeds to restore his electricity supply after being arrested.

He was charged with a salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vk27e/local_cyborg_beats_another_cyborg_to_death_for/
%
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words,

"STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTE SHIT"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vk1kg/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
%
A driver was swerving all over the road...

... then was pulled over by a police officer. The police officer knocked on the door and said,
"Sir, please blow into this machine"
"Sorry officer, I can't"
"Why not?"
"Because I have asthma, and it might trigger an asthma attack"
"Okay, could we get a blood sample then?"
"Sorry officer, I can't"
"Why not?"
"Because I have diabetes, and it might upset my blood sugar level"
"Okay, then just step outside your car and walk in a straight line"
"Sorry officer, I can't"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjsu0/a_driver_was_swerving_all_over_the_road/
%
A man inherits a priceless coin collection...

from his deceased grandfather. One day a friend of the grandfather sees the grandson and asks him about the collection.
"Oh that? None of those coins worked in the laundromat, so I swapped each one of them for a shiny new coin at the bank." The grandson replies.
"You did what?!" The older man replies "that collection could have been worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, and you traded them in for regular coins so you could use a laundry machine? Do you know how stupid that is?"
The grandson shrugs "In hindsight it was pretty dumb, but what can I say? I had no common cents."
Disclaimer: I just made this up, although I wouldn't be surprised if there's another joke out there like it. Any suggestions on how to make it better would be appreciated!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjq2i/a_man_inherits_a_priceless_coin_collection/
%
What's the difference between the G-Spot and a Golf Ball?

A guy will actually spend time searching for a Golf Ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjo9n/whats_the_difference_between_the_gspot_and_a_golf/
%
What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Your spine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjlm8/whats_long_hard_and_bendable_and_contains_the/
%
Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm

but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjl9n/earlier_today_my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her_some/
%
What state has the smallest soft drinks?

Minisoda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjkhd/what_state_has_the_smallest_soft_drinks/
%
As I unwrapped the condom I thought to myself...

"This is a really weird birthday present, mum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjk5b/as_i_unwrapped_the_condom_i_thought_to_myself/
%
Condom

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. "Cover me. I'm going in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjjvk/condom/
%
A polar bear walks into a bar

Bartender: What'll you have?
Polar bear: I'll have a gin and...................tonic.
Bartender: OK but why the big pause?
Polar bear looks down and says: I don't know...i was born with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjiiy/a_polar_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do they evacuate women and children first?

You can't fix shit with all that screaming and crying.
(**Yes, you can evacuate people.** Check #2 here: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/evacuate)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjigx/why_do_they_evacuate_women_and_children_first/
%
What's black and white . . .

What's black and white and loves kids?
Michael Jackson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjho0/whats_black_and_white/
%
My girlfriend's dad just gave me the green light.

Which was very generous, but I don't find him sexy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjhal/my_girlfriends_dad_just_gave_me_the_green_light/
%
What do you call a bunch of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hairline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjg5f/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_rabbits_hopping/
%
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck...

Bar tender looks at him and says, "I guess I'll let you hang out but you better not start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjevu/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_jumper_cables_around/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjet6/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vje9m/a_pregnant_woman_hobbles_into_the_hospital_with/
%
What did the Iraqi boy say to his father when he got home from school?

I forgot my Bagdad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjdzj/what_did_the_iraqi_boy_say_to_his_father_when_he/
%
So my dog told me it was into BDSM

So I tied it up and turned on the vacuum cleaner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjdbe/so_my_dog_told_me_it_was_into_bdsm/
%
What do you call a spider from Baghdad?

An Iraqnid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjagt/what_do_you_call_a_spider_from_baghdad/
%
When writing your calculus exam, make sure you don't sit between twins.

Because you might not be able to differentiate between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vja7x/when_writing_your_calculus_exam_make_sure_you/
%
DIVORCE

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, because they never get the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vj8vh/divorce/
%
Crocodiles; these prehistoric beasts can grow up to 20 feet!

Although most just grow 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vj7g9/crocodiles_these_prehistoric_beasts_can_grow_up/
%
Crap happens

Called in sick to work cause I had a stomach ache and felt constipated.
Got fired.
Couldn't give a crap even if I wanted to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vj71s/crap_happens/
%
So this morning I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vj5r3/so_this_morning_i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a/
%
Three priests walk into a bar

and see a man whos already had a few drinks. The man walks up to them and says "you know I'm jesus christ". One of the priests replies "I don't think you are son" so the man says right, I'll prove it to you. He walks out of the bar and a few seconds later comes stumbling back in. The barman sees him and shout "jesus christ not you again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vj515/three_priests_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My friends say I'm frugal.

I'm not buying it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vj4re/my_friends_say_im_frugal/
%
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vj413/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
Never make fun of an overweight person with a lisp.

They're probably thick and tired of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vj3mm/never_make_fun_of_an_overweight_person_with_a_lisp/
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A jumper cable walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vj2fn/a_jumper_cable_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two antennas met on a roof...

After a while they fell in love and in a few years time the antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vj256/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof/
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I went to the zoo today, but the only animal there was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4viyyv/i_went_to_the_zoo_today_but_the_only_animal_there/
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What game do Anti-Vaxxer's kids play in the pool?

Marco Polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4viynf/what_game_do_antivaxxers_kids_play_in_the_pool/
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What did the Spanish boy leaving for the city say to his father?

Ciudad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vix4j/what_did_the_spanish_boy_leaving_for_the_city_say/
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How much do pirates pay for their earrings?

About a buccaneer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4viwoj/how_much_do_pirates_pay_for_their_earrings/
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An elderly man in Louisiana

... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vivv2/an_elderly_man_in_louisiana/
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A skeleton walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "Hey skeleton, what'll it be?"
The skeleton replies, "I will have a beer...and a mop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vir78/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
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Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4viqd3/denise_and_what/
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So, a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his penis...

The bartender asks the pirate, "Hey pirate, why do you have a steering wheel attached to your penis?"
The pirate replies, "Arrrgh...it's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4viow5/so_a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering/
%
What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear?

White Vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vimtb/what_kind_of_shoes_do_pedophiles_wear/
%
A police officer pulls over a driver...

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vil7w/a_police_officer_pulls_over_a_driver/
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Hillary Clinton could be the first f president

I was going to write female but the emale got deleted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vijl4/hillary_clinton_could_be_the_first_f_president/
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A man goes to a $10 hooker

and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vijgt/a_man_goes_to_a_10_hooker/
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What has 2 legs but can not walk?

A cripple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4viiv3/what_has_2_legs_but_can_not_walk/
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With the concerns over water quality at the upcoming Rio Olympic games, I think we should ask, what would Jesus do?

Walk on water, he ain't swimming in that filth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vidlz/with_the_concerns_over_water_quality_at_the/
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Knock knock.. (feat. My 9yo brother)

Knock knock..
\*sigh..\* Who's there?
Interrupting doctor
Interrupting doct--
You have cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vi9b5/knock_knock_feat_my_9yo_brother/
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What did the mother say to the pedophile at the beach?

"Get out of my sun!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vi4kq/what_did_the_mother_say_to_the_pedophile_at_the/
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I love doing sports related activities

My two most favorite are the pre-workout and post-workout meals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vi1sb/i_love_doing_sports_related_activities/
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If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?

K9P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhzz9/if_h2o_is_on_the_inside_of_a_fire_hydrant_whats/
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What type of jokes don't work

Dark jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhy9x/what_type_of_jokes_dont_work/
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What did Gordon Ramsey shout angrily at his girlfriend?

"IT'S ALL PINK IN THE MIDDLE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhx31/what_did_gordon_ramsey_shout_angrily_at_his/
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I cried when my dad cut onions...

I miss onions. He was a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhwjr/i_cried_when_my_dad_cut_onions/
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A nun asked in church class, which part of the body comes to heaven first?!

So Johnny immediately replied: "Must be the legs!"
The nun is startled and asks: "Why do you think that, Johnny?"
And Johnny replies: "Last night I saw mom in bed with her legs in the air screaming "Oh, god... I'm coming!!!". If dad hadn't been pounding her to the bed so furiously, we would lose her forever!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhw92/a_nun_asked_in_church_class_which_part_of_the/
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The only thing that Trump and I can agree on...

...is that I would also date Ivanka if she wasn't his daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhw85/the_only_thing_that_trump_and_i_can_agree_on/
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A boy offers a girl $100 to climb a pole

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $200 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhss7/a_boy_offers_a_girl_100_to_climb_a_pole/
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If your son becomes a priest...

...do you call him 'Father'?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhp79/if_your_son_becomes_a_priest/
%
A man finds his best friend crying.

He asks "what's wrong?"
His friend responds, "I got in a fight with my mother in law. She said she won't speak to me for a month."
"Sounds like a good deal to me!"
Dejected, his friend friend replied, "that was a month ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vho03/a_man_finds_his_best_friend_crying/
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A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhmec/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
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What's worse than a pedophile?

A fucking pedophile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhiej/whats_worse_than_a_pedophile/
%
I have a joke about unemployed people

But it won't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhgp5/i_have_a_joke_about_unemployed_people/
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I accidentally ate a piece of rope...

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhg8a/i_accidentally_ate_a_piece_of_rope/
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Adding Blonde

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhdth/adding_blonde/
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"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"

It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhdn2/its_a_boy_i_shouted_tears_rolling_down_my_face_i/
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"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vhdhz/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
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Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because every time she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vh7sy/why_cant_miss_piggy_count_to_70/
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I'm training to be a sniper in the Communist Revolutionary Forces...

... I'll be the designated Marxman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vh7ld/im_training_to_be_a_sniper_in_the_communist/
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My uncle Robert was a shit ventriloquist

He used to stick his hand up my arse and tell me to say nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vh4v5/my_uncle_robert_was_a_shit_ventriloquist/
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Timmy's 10th birthday.

It was Timmy's 10th birthday. As it happens, his parents never really cared a lot about Timmy and Timmy, knowing this, wasn't expecting much of his special day. He got up in the morning, much against his will, to find his parents in their daily routine. "Hi kiddo" was as much as his dad ever bothered to say. Naturally, they had forgotten his birthday.
"Aren't you guys forgetting something?" he asked. His dad checked if he was wearing pants, which he wasn't, and said he'd put them on when he'd leave for work.
"No, dad!" Timmy said desperately, "it's my birthday today!"
"Are you sure?" his mom doubted.
"Of course I'm sure, jeez!!" said Timmy frustrated, "you guys couldn't care less, you don't even know how old i'm turning today"
"Sure I do," was dad's confident reply, "must be eleven by now".
"Wrong" said Timmy.
"Nine?" guessed his mom.
"No, 10! I'm 10! It's my 10th birthday today, you idiots!"
Timmy stormed out into the adjacent living room where he found his grandma, who lived in with them, sat knitting in front of the tv.
"What about you, grandma?" he asked. Grandma didn't look up from her knitting.
"What about me, Timmy?"
"Do you know how old I'm turning?"
Grandma looked up at him. She put her knitting aside and asked him to come here. She pulled down Timmy's pajama pants. She pulled down his underwear and put his tiny balls and penis in her hand. She felt him gently, pulled his foreskin, jiggled and kneaded his balls a little, seemed to weigh them, sniffed at his penis. After what felt like minutes, she pulled his underwear and pajama pants back up and turned to her knitting again.
"You're turning 10 today" she said.
Timmy stood there, flabbergasted, lost for words.
"Wow, grandma, how did you do that?"
"I just heard you tell your parents"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vh117/timmys_10th_birthday/
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Cigarette companies are now being forced to show pictures of mouth cancer on their labels.

Considering the fact that Processed meat has also been proven to cause Colorectal cancer. I think in the spirit of fairness Hotdog packaging should include pictures of Anal cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgzst/cigarette_companies_are_now_being_forced_to_show/
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A hobo, all rags and dirty face walks into a fine restaurant.

He approaches the waiter and politely asks: "Excuse me, Sir. I know I don't belong here, but may I ask you for a fork, please?"
The waiter, obviously relieved the hobo doesn't intent to stay, agrees and gives him a fork. The hobo thanks the waiter and leaves with his fork.
Only seconds later however, another hobo, even dirtier than the first one comes in and also, very politely, asks the waiter for a fork. "Well, it's not like we're short on forks, so here you are." Thus, the second hobo thanks the waiter and leaves.
About a minute later, you guessed it, a third hobo, smelling worse that the other two combined walks in and approaches the waiter, who, after his previous encounters belives to have grasped the concept, asks him: "Let me guess, you would also like to have a fork?" "Oh, that's very kind of you," the hobo replies, "but may I ask for a drinking straw instead?"
"Of course," the somewhat baffled waiter says, "but tell me, why do you want a straw, when the other two have both asked for forks?"
"Well, you see, someone threw up around the corner, and all the good bits are already gone."
(ESL, translated it the best I could...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgxfp/a_hobo_all_rags_and_dirty_face_walks_into_a_fine/
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What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school?

Mumbai!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgu6t/what_did_the_indian_boy_say_to_his_mother_as_he/
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A masochist walks into a construction yard

and a breeze block falls onto his head only to miraculously split into two. A nearby construction worker exclaims in amazement to the masochist that "You must be as hard as a rock". The masochist replied saying "You have no idea".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgsn5/a_masochist_walks_into_a_construction_yard/
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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog guy?

Make me one with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgs2y/what_did_the_buddhist_say_to_the_hot_dog_guy/
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10 catholic priests all die in a bus accident....

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter acknowledges them.
He sees that they're all priests and immediately says, "If any of you are paedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!"
9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
St. Peter calls after them,
"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgrq2/10_catholic_priests_all_die_in_a_bus_accident/
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Q: What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgoak/q_what_do_a_woman_and_kentucky_fried_chicken_have/
%
What do you call a gay fly?

a maggot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgis3/what_do_you_call_a_gay_fly/
%
NSFW You're in.....

Three Nuns at Pearly Gates.
So three nuns simultaneously die and go to the gates of St. Peter.
Whilst there, St. Peter approaches the nuns and says: "I'm sorry girls, but heaven's getting pretty full now.
There's this new policy that I have to ask you guys a religious-trivia question before i can let you in".
The nuns agree.             So St. Peter approaches the first:
"What was the name of the first Man?"
The 1st nun replies: "Adam."
Peter: "Right, you're in."             The first nun then appears on the other side of the gates.
St. Peter goes to the 2nd nun: "What part of Adam was Eve made from?"
2nd Nun: "The Ribs."
Peter: "Right, you're in."
He goes to the final nun: "Right, I can see that you're the head-nun here so I'm going to ask you a tougher one...
What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
3rd nun replies: "Wow, that's hard"
"Right, you're in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vghb0/nsfw_youre_in/
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Two Dogs Are In The Vet

Two dogs are in the vet office, waiting to be seen. The first dog turns to the one to his left and asks, "what are you in for?"
The other dog looks at him sadly and says, "our neighbors got a really smoking hot poodle, so I jumped the fence and did her right then and there. I'm here to get neutered."
The first dog sighs and says, "yeah, I'm here for a similar situation. My owner has a really hot girlfriend. She had just gotten out of the shower, and I just couldn't help myself. I plowed her good."
"So you're getting neutered too?"
"Nah, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vggcj/two_dogs_are_in_the_vet/
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If the dove is the bird of peace...

...what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgeuj/if_the_dove_is_the_bird_of_peace/
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A cowboy opens a German car dealership

His business card says "Audi Partner"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgeo2/a_cowboy_opens_a_german_car_dealership/
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NSFW Two men camping in the mountains....

had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.
One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today.
I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead.
How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine.
Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgcyp/nsfw_two_men_camping_in_the_mountains/
%
Two men are drinking at a bar..

When one turns to the other and says, "well time to head out, my wife told me if I came home so drunk I pissed myself again I'd be in big trouble". His friend says "Here's an idea! Just take a twenty dollar bill from the ATM and when you get home just tell her someone accidentally poured a drink on your lap and felt so bad they gave you the twenty for dry cleaning!".
"That's brilliant" says the first man and continues drinking.
Later that night, so drunk he's pissed himself, he stumbles home and his wife is understandably furious. "It's not what you think!" he says, "this guy spilled a drink on me and look here, he gave me this twenty for the dry cleaning!" handing his wife the bill.
"Wait this is a fifty!" she says.
"Oh I didn't tell you? He shit my pants as well!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgc9j/two_men_are_drinking_at_a_bar/
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As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgc34/as_i_looked_into_her_eyes_i_felt_my_knees_go_weak/
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There's a joke to be made about Niantic removing the step feature in Pokémon go instead of fixing the bug.

But I just can't seem to find it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgb1w/theres_a_joke_to_be_made_about_niantic_removing/
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What's the difference between jews and scouts?

The scouts come home from the camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgawb/whats_the_difference_between_jews_and_scouts/
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Mom when I was on the bus

Son:- Mom when I was on the bus
with dad this morning he told me
to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom:- Well, you have done the right
thing.
Son:- But mom, I was sitting on
daddy’s lap. 🙂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vg9k1/mom_when_i_was_on_the_bus/
%
What do you call a blowjob from a vampire?

Blood sausage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vg95s/what_do_you_call_a_blowjob_from_a_vampire/
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What's the difference between a gorrila pit and Mordor?

One does not simply walk into Mordor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vg7yy/whats_the_difference_between_a_gorrila_pit_and/
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NSFW Mommy takes little johnny to the zoo..

As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.
"What's that, Mommy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.
A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mommy said it was nothing."
"Son, I've spoiled that woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vg564/nsfw_mommy_takes_little_johnny_to_the_zoo/
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Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vg4a8/hi_my_name_is_bill_gates_and_today_i_will_be/
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How do you get to the front page of reddit ?

Lack of originality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vg3up/how_do_you_get_to_the_front_page_of_reddit/
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A naked women robbed a bank.

Nobody could remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vg1nz/a_naked_women_robbed_a_bank/
%
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfz79/when_is_the_worst_time_to_have_a_heart_attack/
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The Church Organist

There once was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately that distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She warned her though, not to eat any of the green persimmons because they were so sour they would make her mouth pucker up and she wouldn't be able to speak properly for a couple of days.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the vicar got up in the pulpit and announced, "Dew to thircumstanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfudp/the_church_organist/
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A guy walks into a tattoo parlor

He gets a nice tattoo of his daughters name. The guy comes back the next week and gets just a dash on his arm. He keeps coming back each week getting another dash.
Eventually the tattoo artist asks him what he's doing. The guy replies "Keeping count."
"Of what?" the tattoo artist asks.
"How many tattoos I've got."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vft3f/a_guy_walks_into_a_tattoo_parlor/
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A man is driving down the road......

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfsmj/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
%
I like my women how I like my wine...

12 years old and locked in my basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfrlx/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_wine/
%
Young rooster

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.
Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfr96/young_rooster/
%
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfp3r/what_is_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
%
Getting the girl isn't as easy as they make it look in the movies.

They don't trip as often, and when you do catch up they get the machete away from you. :\

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfom9/getting_the_girl_isnt_as_easy_as_they_make_it/
%
A long time ago, I thought of a soda joke.

I'd share it with you, but I'm afraid I think it'd fall flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfnxl/a_long_time_ago_i_thought_of_a_soda_joke/
%
Cow milking is an incredibly low-skilled job.

Any jerk can do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfnij/cow_milking_is_an_incredibly_lowskilled_job/
%
I like my pizza like I like my women

Absolutely no pubic hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfmpe/i_like_my_pizza_like_i_like_my_women/
%
What did the father Buffalo say to his son as he left for school?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfkxm/what_did_the_father_buffalo_say_to_his_son_as_he/
%
I wrote a theatrical performance on puns

Really, it was just a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfjoa/i_wrote_a_theatrical_performance_on_puns/
%
Why do mathematicians dislike cloth rugs?

They prefer fur mats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfht3/why_do_mathematicians_dislike_cloth_rugs/
%
Y'know, the KKK actually do have some good points

on their hats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfgl1/yknow_the_kkk_actually_do_have_some_good_points/
%
What does a waiter ask a group of Jewish ladies?

Q: What does a waiter ask a group of Jewish ladies?
A: "Is ANYTHING all right?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfedg/what_does_a_waiter_ask_a_group_of_jewish_ladies/
%
Did you hear the one about the Jewish terrorist?

He was gonna hijack a plane but he didn't want to use his miles
Credit: Hesh from The Sopranos
Note: I'm Jewish, not sure if that makes it better or worse ;-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfdo7/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_jewish_terrorist/
%
6 people in a plane

3 kids, a teacher, a lawyer and a Catholic priest.
The plane is going down and there are only 3 parachutes. The lawyer runs over and grabs one.
Teacher: what about the children!?!
Lawyer: fuck the children!
Priest: is there time?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfdge/6_people_in_a_plane/
%
so I painted my computer black the other day...

I thought it would run faster. Turns out it stopped working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfbw8/so_i_painted_my_computer_black_the_other_day/
%
What do beekeepers say when they go to work?

"Alright, let's get down to beeswax!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfbka/what_do_beekeepers_say_when_they_go_to_work/
%
What frequency do police radios operate on?

100 niggahurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfbj2/what_frequency_do_police_radios_operate_on/
%
Why did the man open a rooftop bar?

He wanted to have drinks on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfac1/why_did_the_man_open_a_rooftop_bar/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar...

And several people get up to leave seeing the possible danger of the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vfa3b/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I can prove that every redditor can read other people's minds

Other people's minds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vf8g6/i_can_prove_that_every_redditor_can_read_other/
%
What did Hitler's Personal Trainer keep reminding him to do?

"EXHEIL"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vf7o5/what_did_hitlers_personal_trainer_keep_reminding/
%
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV programme about psychology when he turned to his wife and said..

"Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at
the same time."
She replied, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vf6kv/a_husband_and_wife_were_sitting_watching_a_tv/
%
In the future, they won't have pages in the history books for 1990-1999

because only 90s kids remember

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vf5qc/in_the_future_they_wont_have_pages_in_the_history/
%
Why can't you cross the Mexican border in groups of three?

There's no tres-passing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vf5ok/why_cant_you_cross_the_mexican_border_in_groups/
%
What does a gay rooster say?

"Anycockledoooooo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vf5bd/what_does_a_gay_rooster_say/
%
I can make you speak even MORE Irish.

Say this five times fast:
"Your fork can eat jet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vf41w/i_can_make_you_speak_even_more_irish/
%
What do climate change scientists and Donald Trump have in common?

Each is desperately hoping the other is a hoax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vf40n/what_do_climate_change_scientists_and_donald/
%
It was only three times... promise.

Sam was very ill and it looked like the end might be approaching so he calls his wife Becky near. Sam says to her, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start a business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Smith came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 26 votes short..?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vf39e/it_was_only_three_times_promise/
%
The show "The Office" ended in 2013.

We are now living in a post-office world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4veyqk/the_show_the_office_ended_in_2013/
%
A magician is walking down the street

He turns into a store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vevjr/a_magician_is_walking_down_the_street/
%
I tried putting my cat on a diet once, but she's still fat...

I guess it just didn't work out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4veuyj/i_tried_putting_my_cat_on_a_diet_once_but_shes/
%
Girls on dating apps get bombarded with too many lame and boring messages

For them, finding the good ones is like finding a needle in a hey-stack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vetk0/girls_on_dating_apps_get_bombarded_with_too_many/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vesge/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
How does sex work Mommy?

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vep0a/how_does_sex_work_mommy/
%
What do French athletes wear?

Jaques straps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4veoln/what_do_french_athletes_wear/
%
What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ven16/whats_the_difference_between_three_dicks_and_a/
%
How do you know your letter is gay?

It came in the mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vei72/how_do_you_know_your_letter_is_gay/
%
I don't believe in peer pressure.

Unless my friends do...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4veh7u/i_dont_believe_in_peer_pressure/
%
A young boy walks into a barber shop...

... and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?' The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
'What did I tell you?', said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'. Then the boy, licking his cone, replied,
'Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vedye/a_young_boy_walks_into_a_barber_shop/
%
Why did King Kong go to the airport?

He had a plane to catch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vedjf/why_did_king_kong_go_to_the_airport/
%
Where did I take my pet Cow on Valentines Day?

To the Moooovies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vedba/where_did_i_take_my_pet_cow_on_valentines_day/
%
Marrying in heaven...

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates awaiting St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they straightforwardly ask him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and *waited*. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they begin to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could they get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking all wet and dirty.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!', said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?', asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up in here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find you guys a lawyer?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vecbr/marrying_in_heaven/
%
πππππππ

Look, it's an octopi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vebmm/πππππππ/
%
If I got $1 every time somebody called me sexist

I would walk free of a rape case

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4veasp/if_i_got_1_every_time_somebody_called_me_sexist/
%
What did the potato say to his lover?

You have amazing eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ve93p/what_did_the_potato_say_to_his_lover/
%
A father came home from war...

His son was overjoyed to see him.
Running up to him, the son asks, "Dad! Did you get shot in the Army?"
The father, with a weary look on his face, looks down at his beloved son and says, "No son, I got shot in the legy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ve6eu/a_father_came_home_from_war/
%
What is it called when a chicken sees lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ve4es/what_is_it_called_when_a_chicken_sees_lettuce/
%
If bad Russian puns

were worth a Nikolai would be rich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ve2lu/if_bad_russian_puns/
%
Last Words

There was a man in the hospital who was very old and most likely not making it out so his family went to the church to get the pastor to say goodbye and the hospital, so the next day the pastor visits the man in the hospital, but the man suddenly is gasping for air and can't breath so he grabs a pen and paper to write his last words he hands it to the pastor and died. The pastor takes the note and folds it into his pocket and ran to get the nurse. A week later at the mans funeral the pastors is reading from the Bible and remembers the not in his pocket so he opens it up and reads it to the congregation, it read: "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ve1jc/last_words/
%
I've always got women knocking on my door...

Sometimes I let them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vdv33/ive_always_got_women_knocking_on_my_door/
%
What should you do if you're cold?

Stand in a corner. They're usually 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vdtrz/what_should_you_do_if_youre_cold/
%
Why are black people unable to get a Ph.D.?

Because they can't get past their masters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vdt5b/why_are_black_people_unable_to_get_a_phd/
%
I don't like jokes about the Holocaust. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.

He fell out of a guard tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vdn6k/i_dont_like_jokes_about_the_holocaust_my/
%
You know all that confetti that fell at the end of the DNC.

I heard it was made up of the 30,000 missing e-mails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vdn0e/you_know_all_that_confetti_that_fell_at_the_end/
%
My dad told a lame joke today

I told him to stop because he never makes funny jokes.
His replay was - I made you didn't I?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vdj6d/my_dad_told_a_lame_joke_today/
%
Why don't programmers go on panty raids?

Because they get undie find errors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vdg89/why_dont_programmers_go_on_panty_raids/
%
Why are fire trucks red?

You would be too if someone was pulling on your hose all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vdfq7/why_are_fire_trucks_red/
%
A man and his wife have been married for 70 years

One day the man decides to venture into the attic, in the attic he finds a small box with four cloth dolls and one hundred thousand dollars inside. He took the box down to his wife and asked her about the box. She says that when they got married her mother told her to sew a cloth doll whenever she got mad with her husband. The man was touched after seventy years of marriage there were only four dolls on the box. He then asks her where all the money came form and she says.
"Honey, that's all the money I made selling the dolls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vddiz/a_man_and_his_wife_have_been_married_for_70_years/
%
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fucks Funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vdc4f/what_do_you_call_a_rabbit_with_a_bent_dick/
%
What's the difference between a book and a Mexican?

A book has papers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vdayw/whats_the_difference_between_a_book_and_a_mexican/
%
A girl and a csgo map

Baby, if you were a CS:GO map you would be de_stroyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vdar5/a_girl_and_a_csgo_map/
%
Why should you work for a vegetable factory?

Because they offer a good celery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vd7vu/why_should_you_work_for_a_vegetable_factory/
%
I can make you speak Irish

Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vd6kg/i_can_make_you_speak_irish/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottish man...

An English man, an a Irishman and a Scottish man went camping in some woods. They had shelter and supplies but little food. So they drew up a table. On day one the Englishman would go hunting, the next day the Scottish man, after that the Irishman and the cycle would start again.
On day one the Englishman went hunting and was gone for a day and a half. On the second day he walked in with a big deer on his back. Both the Scottish and Irish man were in shock.
"Sure, how did you get that?" said the Irishman.
The Englishman replies, "I found tracks, I followed tracks and I caught me a deer".
The deer lasted 2 days. Then it was the Scottish man's turn. He was gone for 3 days. He walked in to the camp with a  massive deer on his back. The Irishman was on shock.
" Sure how did you catch that?"
"I found tracks, I followed tracks, I caught me a deer" the Scottish man replies.
That deer lasted a whole week. Then it was the Irishman's turn. One day passed. Three days passed. A whole week passed. Then, the Irishman crawls in, battered, bruised, bleeding. Both the English and Scottish men rush over to help him.
"What happened to you??" Exclaimed the Scottish man.
"I found tracks, I followed tracks, got run over by a train"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vd3my/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scottish_man/
%
I had a gay friend in high school...

...who fell into a coma. We called him Tomato: he was a fruit and a vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vd2h3/i_had_a_gay_friend_in_high_school/
%
My Girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship..

But I still wish she didn't have one at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vd2cz/my_girlfriend_assured_me_that_a_small_penis/
%
How do you disappoint a Redditor?

Repost the same exact joke over and over and/or upvote it to the front page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vd145/how_do_you_disappoint_a_redditor/
%
What does Asian Matthew Mcconaughey want for dinner?

All rice, all rice, all rice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vd0pz/what_does_asian_matthew_mcconaughey_want_for/
%
A man walks into a bar in Westeros

And the bartender says "stop speaking in third person Jaqen for fuck's sake"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vcxky/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_in_westeros/
%
[Flight Attendant]: Would you like some headphones?

[Passenger]: Yes please, but how'd you know my name was Phones?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vcqsb/flight_attendant_would_you_like_some_headphones/
%
Monica Lewinski Will Not Vote for Hillary Clinton

The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vcpi4/monica_lewinski_will_not_vote_for_hillary_clinton/
%
My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone.

So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me:
"We should have sex while my sister isn't home."
I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I find my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said:
"You've just won my trust honey!"
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vciek/my_girlfriend_invited_me_to_her_house_where_i/
%
Imagine if they had toilets in elevators

I mean, that would be some next level shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vcfw1/imagine_if_they_had_toilets_in_elevators/
%
How do you confuse a gay person?

Seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vc9yf/how_do_you_confuse_a_gay_person/
%
The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?"

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"
Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"
Doctor: "I know, but I did"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vc7yy/the_widow_ask_the_doctor_why_did_my_husband_die/
%
A man, his wife, and his son are having dinner....

when their son refuses to eat the broccoli on his plate. His mother attempts to convince him to eat it, but to no avail.
The father suddenly says, "Don't worry, I've got this."
He stares at the child and says,
"!iloccorb ruoy taE"
His son then proceeds to casually eat his vegetables.
His amazed wife leans over to him and asks, "How did you do that?"
The man smiles and replies, "I just used reverse psychology."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vc7r5/a_man_his_wife_and_his_son_are_having_dinner/
%
Some people have difficulties sleeping...

but I can do it with my eyes closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vc71m/some_people_have_difficulties_sleeping/
%
I like my coffee like I like my slaves...

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vc69y/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
Can't wait for the next Jason Bourne movie. I heard he becomes a Christian and starts a church for ex-treadstone agents...

It's called Bourne Again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vc5or/cant_wait_for_the_next_jason_bourne_movie_i_heard/
%
John woke up one morning immensely aroused...

...so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed.
His wife, Heather, had already awakened though and was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John texted:
The Tent Pole Is Up
The Canvas Is Spread
The Hell With Breakfast
Come Back To Bed!
Heather, grinning, answered:
Take The Tent Pole Down
Put The Canvas Away
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage
No Circus Today!
John read it and quickly replied:
The Tent Pole’s Still Up
And The Canvas Still Spread
So Drop What You’re Doing
And Come Give Me Some Head!
Laughing, Heather fired back:
I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land
But I’m Busy Right Now
So Do It By Hand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vc3a4/john_woke_up_one_morning_immensely_aroused/
%
I like your thinking... [LONG]

Little Jim was in class, learning about the Caribbean. The teacher asks Jim, "What is the capital of Jamaica, to which Jim replied "There isn't a capital because all of the Caribbean is territories" his teacher corrected him saying "Jim, Jamaica is actually a country and the answer is Kingston, but I like your thinking." Jim was satisfied with this answer but proceeded to reply "Ok Miss, let me quiz you, I have my hand in my pocket feeling something hard with a head - what is it?" Jim's teacher was disgusted with him and began scolding him when Jim said with a smirk on his face "The answer is a quarter, but I like your thinking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vc1b4/i_like_your_thinking_long/
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(NSFW) I took my wife to the doctor following a mystery Illness...

After pulling me to one side, he said "We've narrowed it down to one of two things. Either she has a chronic heart condition or she is riddled with Aids."
"What on earth am I going to do?" I asked.
He said "When you get home, send her out for a 10 mile jog and if she comes back, don't shag her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vc0fx/nsfw_i_took_my_wife_to_the_doctor_following_a/
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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing! They just WAVED.
SEA what I did there?
I'm SHORE you did.
Let MINNOW if you are not getting it.
SHELL I continue??
No?.. I guess I'll stop WHALE I'm ahead.
Thanks ladies and gentlefish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbzwv/what_did_one_ocean_say_to_the_other_ocean/
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I just found a new Batman shampoo...

I was so disappointed when I found out they don't make conditioner Gordon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vby35/i_just_found_a_new_batman_shampoo/
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Why don't the polls like Donald Trump?

Because he wants to send them back to Poland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbxdo/why_dont_the_polls_like_donald_trump/
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A little boy, suffering with diarrhea, asks his mom for some Viagra...

"What!" asks the shocked mother, "Why on Earth would you ask for that?"
"Well," replies the boy, "isn't that what you give dad when his shit can't get hard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbujw/a_little_boy_suffering_with_diarrhea_asks_his_mom/
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An Asian kid ask him mom: "Mom, why do I have to score A in everything?"

Him mom replied: "Because we are Asian, not a Bsian or Csian, or Failsian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbtca/an_asian_kid_ask_him_mom_mom_why_do_i_have_to/
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I'd just like to say a few words

Hat, car, tree, river.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbt9c/id_just_like_to_say_a_few_words/
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Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbn0i/why_did_the_wizards_wife_have_hickeys_on_her_neck/
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My wife caught me cross-dressing...

...and said we're finished.
So I packed her clothes & left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbmri/my_wife_caught_me_crossdressing/
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A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbme6/a_couple_is_walking_in_east_berlin_on_christmas/
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A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.
He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!?"
The recruit retorted, "Sir, no way. When I get out of the service, I will not fucking wait in line for anything! Sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vblfd/a_drill_instructor_was_yelling_at_a_new_recruit/
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Nurse and the retired soldier. (NSFW)

A nurse was attending a retired soldier. They had a nice conversation when the nurse, out of curiosity, asked him the last time he had sex. The soldier answered: "I haven't had sex since 1946". Nurse was surprised and said that that seemed very long ago. Feeling a little kinky and sorry for the soldier, she offered the old timer to please him one last time before his days were numbered. After an hour with the wildest sex she ever had, she wondered how on earth he could be THIS good. "Excuse me", she said "You told me the last time you had sex was in 1946, but that was the best sex I've ever had. How can that be?". The soldier chuckled and said: "Well yes, but now it's 20:46".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbl7l/nurse_and_the_retired_soldier_nsfw/
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My friend said "What rhymes with orange?"

I said "No, it doesn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbksl/my_friend_said_what_rhymes_with_orange/
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I just found out they made a heart-shaped dairy-lovers pizza

Too cheesy for me though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbjn4/i_just_found_out_they_made_a_heartshaped/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbi22/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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I Am Not Forgetful

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbhnk/i_am_not_forgetful/
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**Suggestion for you**

At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle right below the knot. Then ask someone, "Which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?" After they guess, let it unravel and go "It's a tie!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbhei/suggestion_for_you/
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Sad Dick

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbfxh/sad_dick/
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*The most messed up jokes you know*

I'll start: What’s worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother’s pussy? Sucking out thirteen of them and realizing you only put in a dozen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vbf9g/the_most_messed_up_jokes_you_know/
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Racism is a subjective matter

there are no black and white solutions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vb6jp/racism_is_a_subjective_matter/
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Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister. "The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister." This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vb677/daddy_i_fell_in_love_want_to_date_this_awesome/
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What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

Two kilomockingbirds
(credit goes to my old physics book)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vazh4/what_do_you_call_2000_mockingbirds/
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A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vaxa7/a_new_twist_on_an_old_joke/
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Car or Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vawfq/car_or_haircut/
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Are we as a society going to reject clickbait journalism?

The answer may surprise you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vaugw/are_we_as_a_society_going_to_reject_clickbait/
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A Blind Man walks into an all women's bar

He sits down and orders a shot. After the shot he asks, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"
The lady next to him leans over. She says, "Hey buddy, so I'm gonna tell you this because it seems like you don't know any better. I'm a blonde coal miner, that woman over at the bar is a blonde professional boxer, the bartender is a blonde cage fighter, that woman at the pool table is a blonde steel mill worker, and shes a blonde bouncer. So buddy, are you sure you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
To which the blind man responds, "Well no, not if I've got to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vasxl/a_blind_man_walks_into_an_all_womens_bar/
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My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vas4m/my_neighbour_owes_me_500_and_he_wont_pay_up/
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Been really trying to see things from my wife's point of view lately...

Been looking out this kitchen window for hours...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4varod/been_really_trying_to_see_things_from_my_wifes/
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A hermit, a clown, and a witty comeback...

FULL DISCLOSURE: This is a shaggy dog story...
An old hermit has been living alone in the wilderness for many, many years. He decides that it is finally time to rejoin society. He sees in the local paper that the circus is coming to a nearby town and decides that a circus would be a wonderful way to do so.
He takes his seat and first the clowns come out. One sees the old man and says, "Hey old man! Are you a horse's head?"
"Um... no." the old man replies, a little confused over such an odd question.
"Well, then you must be a horse's ass!" The crowd bursts out laughing. The old man is devastated at the humiliation. His first day, his first interaction in decades and he gets laughed at. He tries to think of a witty comeback but try as he might he can't think of *anything* to say in response. He hangs his head in shame.
The next day he heads to the library to grab a few books on witty comebacks. He reads every one twice. He knows he's got it.
He tracks down the circus a few towns over by now. He buys a ticket, sits down, and the same clown comes out. Seeing the same old man he asks, "Hey old man! Are you a horse's head?"
"No, sir, I am not!" The old man replies.
"Well, then you must be a horse's ass!" Everyone cracks up. The old man thinks and thinks and can't come up with anything to say back! Once again, he is devastated.
Now the old man enrolls himself at university, majoring in the field of witty comebacks. He studies hard and graduates top of his class. He's confident he's got it now.
The old man finds the circus again and buys a ticket. Sits down. Out come the clowns. He stares intensely at the villainous jester, who stares right back.
"Hey old man! Are you a horse's head?"
"No, I ain't no horse's head, clown!"
"Then you must be a horse's ass!" The crowd laughs hysterically. The old man knows he's got this. But try as he might, he still cannot think of anything clever to say in response to this agonizing insult. A degree in witty comebacks and nothing to show for it. He's furious now, and storms out.
The old man has had enough. No way the clown is going to get him again. He buys a ticket for China. He travels to the mountains of the Orient, and studies under the Zen Masters of wit and one-liners. Spending hours, days and nights meditating on the fine art of verbal retaliations. Under a shady tree one evening, he finally achieves Nirvana in the ancient art of witty comebacks.
He heads back to the States, and once again finds that circus. He takes his seat, anticipating that it will soon be over. The clown is stunned to see him after all this time, assuming he would have given up by now. You know the question he asks...
"Hey old man! Are you a horse's head?"
"No, I ain't no horses head!"
"Then you must be a horse's ass!" Everyone bursts out laughing.
But finally it's the old man's time to shine. "HEY CLOWN!"
"WHAT, OLD MAN!?"
The old man clears his throat, takes a deep breath and yells "FUUUUUUUCK YOU!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4varb8/a_hermit_a_clown_and_a_witty_comeback/
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What do you call a nose without a body?

Nobody nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vapi1/what_do_you_call_a_nose_without_a_body/
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I asked a homeless woman if I could take her home. She shyly said yes....

so I took her cardboard box and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vaole/i_asked_a_homeless_woman_if_i_could_take_her_home/
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Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vaght/obsessions/
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Three Blonds are walking through town...

Three Blonds are walking through town when they come across some tracks on the ground.
"These are deer tracks," said the first blond.
"No, these are moose tracks," said the second blonde.
"No they aren't, they are wolf tracks," said the third blonde.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vafu1/three_blonds_are_walking_through_town/
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What math class should feminists take?

Triggernomics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vaayx/what_math_class_should_feminists_take/
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What is space like without a space suit?

Breathtaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vaat9/what_is_space_like_without_a_space_suit/
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What does it take to kill

a joke bad timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4va8lo/what_does_it_take_to_kill/
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My wife asked me how I was going to feel when our son started dating...

Apparently jealous was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4va6ue/my_wife_asked_me_how_i_was_going_to_feel_when_our/
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Sweetheart, you remind me the sea.

>Why? is it because of my beautiful blue eyes reminding you the ocean's water?
No
>I know, it's because of my curly hair, reminds you the waves.
Not really.
>So it's my perfume? reminds you that fresh air near the beach?
Nope.
>So what is it then?
You make me sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4va5xd/sweetheart_you_remind_me_the_sea/
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Guy passes a buff guy on the street and asks, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He says, "No, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4va3fk/guy_passes_a_buff_guy_on_the_street_and_asks_are/
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A guy was speeding down the highway and he passed under an overpass only to find a highway cop with a radar gun on the other side.

The cop pulled him over, walked up to the car, and with that stupid smirk we all know and hate, asked, “What ’s your hurry?”
To which he replied, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”
"I really don't want to talk about it" said the driver,  "just give me my ticket and I'll be on my way"
The cop, now intrigued, said to the driver, "tell me what you do for a living, or I'll increase the ticket!"
"okay, fine but you won't believe me." he said. “I’m an arsehole stretcher."
The cop stammered, “A what? An arsehole stretcher? And just what does an arsehole stretcher do?”
“Well,” he said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
Stunned, the cop asked “And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?”
“Give him a radar gun and put him behind that overpass back there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4va2sh/a_guy_was_speeding_down_the_highway_and_he_passed/
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The History Lesson

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of an esteemed Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good," answered the teacher.
Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth"? Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki answers: "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck my cock!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll skull-fuck your corpse." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
At this point, the teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, now we're in BIG trouble!" Suzuki immediately screamed "The Taliban -- September 12, 2001!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4va2na/the_history_lesson/
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They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country...

...but if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4va1wf/they_say_there_are_about_12_million_illegal/
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A guy asked a girl in a university library...

..."Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4va0rt/a_guy_asked_a_girl_in_a_university_library/
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What do you call it when your water breaks and you can't get ahold of the midwife?

A midwife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9xom/what_do_you_call_it_when_your_water_breaks_and/
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A married couple was in a terrible accident...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9xnc/a_married_couple_was_in_a_terrible_accident/
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If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect.

You have to recall everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9xk0/if_you_want_to_be_a_general_motors_engineer_your/
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I saved a ton of money on car insurance by switching

to reverse and leaving the scene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9uyg/i_saved_a_ton_of_money_on_car_insurance_by/
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A boy came into class late one day and his teacher asked him why he was late...

The boy replied "Sorry sir,  I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane." The teacher excused him and he sat down.
Five minutes later, another boy came in and the teacher asked him why he was late. He replied "sorry I'm late, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane.
Another five minutes later, a girl walks into class, late. The teacher says "I suppose you were doing push-ups on Abbey Lane too." The girl replied "No sir, I am Abbey Lane"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9trp/a_boy_came_into_class_late_one_day_and_his/
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What was Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game?

Mein Kraft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9mni/what_was_adolf_hitlers_favourite_computer_game/
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Husband and wife sitting in their lounge room..

The wife is poking and prodding her breasts when she announces "I thinking about getting a boob job"
Without looking away from his newspaper the husband mumbled "Nah, too expensive, just rub a roll of toilet paper on them"
Confused, the wife asks "And that will make them bigger?"
To which he replied "It should, it did a great job on your ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9l4o/husband_and_wife_sitting_in_their_lounge_room/
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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9hs7/a_guy_sticks_his_head_into_a_barber_shop_and_asks/
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A cheetah and a lion are racing in Africa

After the cheetah easily wins, the lion complains: "Man, you're a cheetah" and the cheetah says: "Naw man you're a lion".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9hbf/a_cheetah_and_a_lion_are_racing_in_africa/
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How many Heisenbergs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

If you know the number, you don't know where the socket is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9go3/how_many_heisenbergs_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A man with pockets full of cash, a woman on each arm and an orange for a head walks into a bar...

The barman asks what the deal is.
"Well", says the man, "I was walking on a beach when I found one of those old genie lamps washed up on the sand, so I rubbed it, and a genie came out and granted me three wishes."
"So what were your wishes?"
"Well, I did the obvious thing and wished for my pockets never to be short of money, and wished to be irresistible to women."
"I can see all that, but what's the deal with... with...". The barman points at the man's head.
"Oh, *this*?" says the man, pointing at the same.
"I asked for an orange for a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9fqr/a_man_with_pockets_full_of_cash_a_woman_on_each/
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What is the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9ec6/what_is_the_difference_between_anal_and_oral_sex/
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I got caught fapping...

while sniffing my friend's sister's underwear yesterday. It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't still wearing them at the time. He went fucking ballistic. Sure as hell made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9djx/i_got_caught_fapping/
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A guy dies and goes to Hell.

He's extremely upset upon finding out where he's going, but Satan says, "Hey! Hey! Don't worry about it! Actually we get a lot of bad press. Really, it's not so bad. For example, do you like to drink?"
"Well, yeah," says the man.
"Great! You're going to love Mondays! All we do is drink. Every kind of liquor. Beer, wine, rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, champagne, all the best stuff. It's all free, and you can drink as much as you want, and you get all buzzed but you never get sick and you never get a hangover, because you're already dead!"
"Wow! Cool!" says the fellow, who's a little bit happier.
"Do you like to eat?" says Satan.
"Well, of course," says the man.
"Well, you're going to love Tuesdays. On Tuesdays all we do is gorge ourselves. There's a huge buffet, of all the best kinds of food - turkey, venison, caviar, salmon, -- and let's not even talk about the desserts! And you never get overstuffed, and you never get fat, because you're already dead!"
"Is that ever great!" says the man.
"Oh, it gets better! Do you like to gamble?" says Satan.
"Well, I've been to a few casinos in my time..." says the man.
"Well, you're going to love Wednesdays! All we do is gamble. Roulette, poker, blackjack, baccarat, horse racing, everything, and you never run out of money!"
"Holy cow!" says the man.
"That's nothing! Do you like to take drugs?"
"Sure!" says the man.
"Well, you're going to love Thursdays! All we do is do drugs, all day. The best bud you've ever had, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, crystal meth, anything you want, and you never have a bad trip, and you never get addicted, because hey, you're dead!"
"Wow!" says the guy, who's completely enthused.
"That's not the end of it!" says the Devil. "Are you gay?"
"What?" says the man. "No, I'm not gay."
The devil's face falls. "Well then, you're not gonna like Fridays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9dj7/a_guy_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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What is the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9dem/what_is_the_best_part_about_gardening/
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In light of the DNC event and my own recent experience with the forced install of windows 10.. What do the Clinton's have in common with Bill Gates?

They both no longer need your consent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9caj/in_light_of_the_dnc_event_and_my_own_recent/
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Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away.  The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short.  The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.
The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9awh/physicist_engineer_and_statistician_are_out/
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My wife loves her cat.

One day, the cat got run over in front of our house and I called my wife to tell her. She answered the phone and I said "The cat is dead."
After she recovered from the shock she said, "You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it to me gently? You could have said something like, well she's OK but she is up on the roof. And then when I called the next time, tell me, it's bad news, she fell off the roof and she's at the vets. And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least then I would have been a little prepared for the bad news."
I told her "You're right. Sorry for being so heartless."
I called her later in the week and she asked me about her mother.
I said, "Well, she's OK, but she's on the roof."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v98xs/my_wife_loves_her_cat/
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How many Nice Guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just complement the bulb and get pissed that it won't screw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v98h2/how_many_nice_guys_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What's the difference between an insurance company and an asshole?

If you shove money into an asshole at least you can expect to get shit back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v97zb/whats_the_difference_between_an_insurance_company/
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TIL it is impossible to look at your nose while sticking out your tongue

without looking ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v97gy/til_it_is_impossible_to_look_at_your_nose_while/
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**What's the difference between eating pizza and eating pussy?**

The crust on a pizza tastes good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v95ih/whats_the_difference_between_eating_pizza_and/
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Sitting in a bar when ….

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.
“Oh, come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v95hn/sitting_in_a_bar_when/
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My dad is a magician. He even has a trick that makes him turn invisible.

He's been doing it for the last 32 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v9563/my_dad_is_a_magician_he_even_has_a_trick_that/
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What do you call a gay dentist?

A tooth fairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v942u/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dentist/
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A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v92iq/a_woman_in_labor_is_in_pain_and_screaming/
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Cop Pulls Over a Speeder at the End of his Shift

Since the cop was almost done and just wanted to go back to the station he told the driver
**Cop**: if you can give me an excuse i have never heard before to explain why you were speeding, I will let you off with a warning instead of aticket....
The man thinks for a moment then replies:
**man**: sir my wife left me last year for another man
confused the cop says
**Cop**: what does that have to do with your speed?
**Man**: well sir, my wife ran off with a police officer, when I saw your lights, I was scared you were bringing her back.
With a smile the cop says
**Cop**: have a nice day sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v91el/cop_pulls_over_a_speeder_at_the_end_of_his_shift/
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Tomato garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, the local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v8zus/tomato_garden/
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Why are air hostesses bad at dating?

Most men aren't interested in **plane** women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v8uyo/why_are_air_hostesses_bad_at_dating/
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I once met Bruce Willis

at a fancy dress party. He was wearing a really shabby looking nun outfit. I was told that he'd worn the same costume to every fancy dress party he'd attended for years. I suppose old habits die hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v8ucb/i_once_met_bruce_willis/
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I think it's incredibly important we feed our cows marijuana.

the steaks are high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v8sel/i_think_its_incredibly_important_we_feed_our_cows/
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One thing kids like is to be tricked.

For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
"Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.
I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
(A "Deep Thought" by Jack Handey)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v8rkj/one_thing_kids_like_is_to_be_tricked/
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The CIA was hiring an assassin.

The CIA posted an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, all men.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
One of the CIA agents told the man: "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You must kill her."
The man said, "No way I will do that; I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears streaming down his face."I tried, but I just couldn’t. I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You are not the man for the job then. Take your wife and go home."
It was the last man’s turn at the test. Same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, loud crashing, and banging. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and out came the man, covered with blood but otherwise okay. He wiped some of the sweat and blood from his brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat her to death with the chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v8pbw/the_cia_was_hiring_an_assassin/
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If an older woman who goes after a younger man is called a cougar, what is an older man going after a younger girl called?

A Tyga

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v8hcm/if_an_older_woman_who_goes_after_a_younger_man_is/
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My wife doesn't like me to shave my face for the same reason I like her to shave her pussy

She says it makes me look like a 12 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v8exb/my_wife_doesnt_like_me_to_shave_my_face_for_the/
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Q: What has more ships than the navy?

A: Anime fanbases

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v8dfc/q_what_has_more_ships_than_the_navy/
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A lady is giving birth in the hospital...

A lady is giving birth in the hospital. Her husband is sitting next to the doctor across the room from her. Suddenly a look of distress comes across her face and she begins screaming: "CAN'T!.." "WON'T!.." "COULDN'T!.." "SHOULDN'T!..". Her husband begins to feel deeply worried and turns to the doctor. The doctor turns back toward him, smiles and says: "Don't worry, it's just contractions.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v88th/a_lady_is_giving_birth_in_the_hospital/
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A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.

A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding on a train.
The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.
The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.
The old Dutch woman thinks: "He must have groped the young Swedish woman, and she slapped him."
The young Swedish woman thinks: "He must have tried to grope me, and accidentally got the old woman, and she slapped him."
The Englishman thinks: "The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl, and she accidentally slapped me."
The Irishman thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v882e/a_young_swedish_woman_old_dutch_woman_an/
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Why did the blonde have square boobs?

Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v882h/why_did_the_blonde_have_square_boobs/
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A Man Goes to the Bank

A man goes to the nearby city in his Rolls-Royce for some business he had to attend. When he arrives, he goes to the bank, parks his car an walks into the bank.
He says to the teller, "I immediately need a loan of $5000." The teller replies,"I'm sorry sir, but we cannot give you the money like that, you will need to provide something for us to keep so we ensure that we can give you the money and that we get it back."
The man then points to his Rolls-Royce outside and says "No problem, take that." The bank manager comes out, and is surprised, but he puts the car in the bank garage, and the man leaves with his $5000.
Two weeks later the man comes back after completing his business. He asks how much is the interest, and it comes out to $15.62. He pulls out his wallet and pays back the $5000 and the interest.
The bank manager comes out to give him his car, and asks the man, "After you left, we looked at your profile and credit, and we saw that you are a millionaire! Why would you need to take a loan of $5000?"
The man replies, "Where else would I be able to park my car for two weeks for only $15.62?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v87ud/a_man_goes_to_the_bank/
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an Irish daughter...

had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v872e/an_irish_daughter/
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reddit gold is a lot like an STD...

You get it from a random stranger and usually it's quite unexpected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v83qj/reddit_gold_is_a_lot_like_an_std/
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A cowboy and an indian are riding a horse

through the middle of the desert.  All the sudden the indian tells the cowboy
"Wait, stop!"
The cowboy stops the horse.  The indian hops off, puts his ear to the ground and says
"Buffalo come"
The cowboy, shocked, says "Wow!  How do you know?!"
The indian looks up at him and says
"'cause ground sticky"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v82us/a_cowboy_and_an_indian_are_riding_a_horse/
%
John walks into a bar

and sits at the counter.
The bartender asks him
"what would you like?"
Before John can reply a well built man sitting next to him says
"Get the 'special' shot, it makes you fly!"
"Yeah right, a shot that makes you fly."  John replies.  "If it makes you fly why don't you prove it"
So the man asks the bartender for one 'special' shot.  The bartender slides it down the counter and the man slams it.
"Watch this"
The man goes up the stairs to the second floor and jumps out the window.  Right before he hits the ground he hovers in place and lands softly on his feet.
"Told you!"
"That's crazy!  Let me get on of those shots!"
John slams the shot and hustles up to the second floor, jumps out the window and SMASHES into the ground.
The bartender looks at the man and says
"You're a dick when you're drunk, Superman"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7xlh/john_walks_into_a_bar/
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Bald people struggle with improv,

They can't seem to come up with anything off the top of their head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7wp4/bald_people_struggle_with_improv/
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Apache indian child

One day a tiny Apache indian child walked into Big Chief Sitting Bull's Teepee.
"Sitting Bull," He asked, "Why does every man in our tribe have such long, complicated names?"
"Well," says Sitting Bull, "Its simple.Whenever a baby in this tribe is born, His Father wanders outside, absorbs the wonder of nature and then names his child on the first thing he sees. Why do you ask, Two dogs fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7wlu/apache_indian_child/
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Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.

* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7uyj/collection_of_my_favorite_latvian_jokes/
%
A man is travelling through the desert on a camel.

After a few days of travel the camel starts slowing down and eventually stops. The man gets of and starts dragging the camel after him when he sees an oasis in the distance. He drags the camel to the oasis where there is a woman standing on a ramp with a hammer in her hand. "Friend, did he stop?" The woman  asks. "Yes." He answers. "Drag it on the ramp." The man drags the camel on the ramp. The woman takes the hammer and hits the camel on the balls hard. The camel springs up and starts running away. "How am I supposed to catch up to it now?" The outraged man asks. "Stand on the ramp." Answers the woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7s1w/a_man_is_travelling_through_the_desert_on_a_camel/
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What do a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common

The more you play with it, the harder it gets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7r2l/what_do_a_penis_and_a_rubiks_cube_have_in_common/
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Question: what's Erdogan's favorite puzzle game?

Answer: pseudo-coup (say it out loud)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7p0b/question_whats_erdogans_favorite_puzzle_game/
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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls...

and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7ozn/a_train_hits_a_bus_filled_with_catholic_school/
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A man is lost in the desert [nsfw]

He has plenty of food and water, enough to survive for a long time; what is really bothering him is that since he hasn't seen another soul for weeks, he is really, really horny.
In the distance he spots a camel and decides he's going to fuck it. He's pretty good at catching up to the camel, but every time he goes to unbuckle his belt, he loses his grip and it runs away.
A short while later, an incredibly beautiful woman stumbles towards him in rags, clearly lost and desperate for help.
"Please, sir! Do you have any water? I'm dying of thirst. If you help me I will do anything to repay you."
"Anything?" asks the man as he hands over some water.
"*Anything*"
"Can you hold that camel for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7kza/a_man_is_lost_in_the_desert_nsfw/
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What advantage do gay black guys have over gay white guys?

They only have to come out to their mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7kuz/what_advantage_do_gay_black_guys_have_over_gay/
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I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7k9q/i_couldnt_find_the_thingy_that_peels_the_potatoes/
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A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office."Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your tits. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're soon going to have a beard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7ize/a_lady_goes_to_the_doctor_to_see_about_getting_a/
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Two Australian men are in the Outback

to survey land that they'll build a mine on.  Suddenly, one of the men screams out in pain, and his friend runs over to him.
"What the hell happened mate?"
"That bloody snake over there bit me on the dong!" The man points to a rattlesnake some ways away.
"Well, no worries, I'll just call up the doc and see what to do."
So the guy takes out his phone, calls a doctor, and tells him about the snake that bit his friend.
The doctor replies, "Yes, I'm afraid that snake you've just described is very venomous. Your friend will die if you don't help him immediately."
"Alright, what do I have to do?" the man asks.
"Well what you want to do is make an incision on the wound and suck out all the poison."
So the man thanks the doctor and goes back to his friend.
"So what did the doc say?" asks his friend.
"You're gonna die mate."
__________________________________________________
Old joke I heard that I thought was funny. Sorry if I butchered it too much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7io1/two_australian_men_are_in_the_outback/
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Pope Francis gets a new car.

He's in Chicago for an appearance.  His regular car is obviously not there and due to some mixup all they have is a huge SUV.
When Francis sees this beast he thinks for a second.  "Hey, I've been kind of curious about these things.  Do you mind if I drive?"
What are you supposed to say when the Pope asks that?  "Sure thing," says the driver.  He hops in back and Francis gets behind the wheel.
Francis is a little unused to all that engine power so they're lurching around downtown Chicago, alternating between 6 mph and 60.  Eventually a police cruiser turns on its lights and pulls them over.
One of the cops gets out of the cruiser and walks over.  The tinted window of the SUV rolls down and the cop turns white and runs back to the cruiser.  "Drive!" he tells his buddy.
"Who the hell was that?"
"I dunno but the Pope is his driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7h7i/pope_francis_gets_a_new_car/
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What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

HAND EYYYYYYYYYEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7bai/whats_whitney_houstons_favourite_type_of/
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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

Boy Ask to her Girlfriend : **"What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?"**
Girl : **hhhmmmmmmmm..... hhhhhmmmmmm.....**
Boy : **A seat belt**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7awl/what_gets_longer_when_pulled_fits_between_breasts/
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Two guys meet up at a high school reunion

They start talking about people from their past.
"Hey, remember that flat chested girl Sam?"
"Oh yea, how she doing?"
"I just saw her like 15 minutes ago and now she's like this" - He holds his hands in front of his chest, fingers curled in.
"Oh, she got breast enlargement?"
"No, she's got severe arthritis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v771o/two_guys_meet_up_at_a_high_school_reunion/
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A 50 year old man enters a confession box and kneels

Man: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
Priest: "Tell me your sins son. The Lord is generous and knows we all succumb to weakness from time to time."
Man: "I've been carrying on an affair for the last 6 months with a gorgeous 25-year-old blond women. She has a beautiful figure, voluptuous breasts and is perfect in every way except that she's married."
Priest: "Sleeping with another man's wife is a serious sin. How long has it been since your last confession?"
Man: "I've actually never been to confession before. In fact, I'm Jewish"
Preist: "Then why are you telling me these things?"
Man: "Telling you!?! I'm telling EVERYONE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v76z5/a_50_year_old_man_enters_a_confession_box_and/
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What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v76ll/what_does_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
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World's smartest man contest.

There was a world's smartest man contest held and only two contestants remained. A book smart college man, and a country fellow from the west. The panel of 3 judges gave the contestants a variety of challenging questions and both always answered correctly.
The contest had been going for days and the judges decided for a final elimination test.nTo come up with a poem including a word of their choosing. The word was Timbuktu.
The college man being confident that would win, elected to go first. He thought for a moment and recited for all the audience and judges to hear.
"We traveled across the dessert sands,
By way of camel caravan.
We searched for a place both known and true,
The far and distant land of Timbuktu."
The judges and crowd stood in ovation. Men chanting while Women and children cried out as it was the most beautiful thing their ears have ever heard.
It was now the man from the west's turn. He took his time gathering his thoughts to ensure his poem would wow the crowd and judges. After a few minutes passed, he exclaimed, I got it!"
He cleared his throat and began,
"Tim and I, a hunting went.
We stumbled upon a few women in a pop up tent.
They being three, and we being two.
I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v76bt/worlds_smartest_man_contest/
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Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v75zh/mother_how_was_school_today_patrick/
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you know what's odd?

Numbers not divisible by 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v74vi/you_know_whats_odd/
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What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman -

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
-
Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7140/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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An old man walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a tennis ball.
"I have to ask, sir," says the bartender. "Without sounding rude, what happened to your head?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v70yz/an_old_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Dentist 2

A fellow is trying to get to sleep but he keeps tossing and turning. He wakes his slumbering bride and says, "We need to have sex. I'm all tense and need to relax so that I can sleep." She answers him, "Oh, hell no! I have to go to the OB/GYN in the morning so I'm all cleaned up." She goes back to sleep leaving him befuddled. In a while, he wakes her again to ask, "Do you have to go to the dentist tomorrow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6vtk/dentist_2/
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only 10 to live

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6utw/only_10_to_live/
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A man comes home from work...

..., sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'
She gives him his beer.
About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'
She does.
A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.
The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.'
The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6u4n/a_man_comes_home_from_work/
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My father owned a body removal business

He lifted a lot of dead weight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6tp8/my_father_owned_a_body_removal_business/
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I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do...

And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6t26/i_dont_like_country_music_but_i_dont_mean_to/
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Tie Me Up...

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6sm4/tie_me_up/
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6rrn/bob_was_in_trouble_he_forgot_his_wedding/
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I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory...

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6rgv/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_the_calendar/
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Fred and Tom are talking about what they are getting their wives for Christmas.

Fred says "Im getting my wife a pearl necklace and a Mercedes. If she doesn't like the necklace she can drive her new car to return it!"
Tom says "Im getting my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn't like the slippers she can go Fuck herself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6re6/fred_and_tom_are_talking_about_what_they_are/
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The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season.

The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6qrx/the_human_cannonball_informs_the_circus_manager/
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6ml4/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
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A cop pulls over a car during a traffic check

and as he's asking the driver for his credentials, he spots three penguins sitting in the backseat.
"Sir, what are you doing with three penguins in your car?" asked the cop.
"That's a funny story." answered the man, "I won these off of a friend of mine during a poker game, and now I have no idea what to do with them."
"Why don't you take them to the zoo then?" Suggested the officer.
The driver blinked a moment and then smiled, "That's a great idea, we'll go right away!"
...
Two days later, the police officer happens across the same car. Curious, he waves the driver over and when he walks up he notices that there's still three penguins sitting in the backseat. Only this time they're wearing shirts and caps.
"I thought you were going to take these guys to the zoo?" he asked of the driver.
"I did!" came the answer "And we had so much fun, we're going to a themepark today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6m7g/a_cop_pulls_over_a_car_during_a_traffic_check/
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Ted Was Worried... [LONG]

Ted, my friend and colleague for many years called me (into his office) and told me he was worried his wife was having an affair.
"I think she's having an affair with Greg from sales" he told me.
I asked him "what makes you think that?
"Ah, well" he explained "Whenever my wife has a coffee, she mixes in a teaspoon of honey, then takes a sip and says "mmm, just like mama used to make""
I nod
"So when I went to the break room, i saw Greg, and he made himself a coffee..."
I nod
"...and he takes a teaspoon of honey and mixes it in, then he looks me straight in the eyes and says"
"I fucked your wife".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6lmh/ted_was_worried_long/
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Two nuns are biking back to their convent

after a long day out nunning about in the community.
They take a different route than normal, and after a while, one says to the other: "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other replies: "Yes, it must be the cobblestones"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6jlp/two_nuns_are_biking_back_to_their_convent/
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A young wife was dying...

She called her husband and said, "Gary, I have a confession: I've been unfaithful."
Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6ia0/a_young_wife_was_dying/
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What's green and not heavy?

Light green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6hbl/whats_green_and_not_heavy/
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A crab, a tuna, a lobster, and a Chinese man being run over by a steam roller. What doesn't belong?

The Tuna, since all of the others are crushedasians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6fp8/a_crab_a_tuna_a_lobster_and_a_chinese_man_being/
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What's worse than a cardboard box?

Paper titties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6exd/whats_worse_than_a_cardboard_box/
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A man just bought a religious horse...

A man was searching for the fastest and noblest steed. Finally, after much searching, he finally found a horse he was satisfied with. Its mane was silky, its coat was glossy, and it was the finest stallion that the man has ever laid his eyes upon.
While paying for the stallion, the seller remembered something important and told him, "This is a very religious horse and you have to use special commands to control it. To get it to start moving, instead of shouting 'giddy-up', you have to say 'Praise the Lord!', and instead of shouting 'woah', you have to say 'amen'."
The man, in his excitement, barely acknowledged the statement.
He immediately climbed up onto the saddle and shouted "Praise the Lord!", and the fine stallion broke into a trot.
"Thank the Lord!"
The stallion started to canter.
"The Lord is almighty!"
The stallion started galloping faster and faster.
Then, as the men neared the edge of the cliff, in his extreme excitement, he forgot the words to stop the horse. "Woah" The horse did not stop. "Woah" Once again, the horse kept going. Finally, at the very edge of the cliff, he remembered what the seller said and shouted "AMEN". Relieved at his close shave with death, he wiped away his cold sweat and exclaimed, "Praise the Lord!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6cnh/a_man_just_bought_a_religious_horse/
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"Hello, barman? Give me another drink!"

I yelled.
He said, "I think you've had enough, sir."
"What makes you say that?" I laughed.
He said, "I'm a taxi driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6cln/hello_barman_give_me_another_drink/
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Allow me to sum up the 90's for you.

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6cks/allow_me_to_sum_up_the_90s_for_you/
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I was chatting up this woman.

I said, "You're the sort of woman I could introduce to my mum."
"Aww," she smiled, "Can you?"
I said, "Of course, I'll drive us to the cemetery tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6bta/i_was_chatting_up_this_woman/
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A man asks a farmer near a field...

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6bt4/a_man_asks_a_farmer_near_a_field/
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I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."

"Why not?" he asked.
I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."
"That's no excuse!" he shouted.
I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6afi/i_called_my_sergeant_this_morning_and_said_im_not/
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Three guys are crossing the desert.

A black guy, and white guy and a Mexican guy. They are allowed a total of 3 wishes to be granted for their journey across the perilous desert. Wanting it to be completely fair, they decide to make a single wish each.
The white guy goes first. He thinks about the situation for a second and then asks for enough water for the three of them to survive the crossing. His wish is granted.
The black guy is up next. He thinks about it for a second and then asks for enough food for them to survive the crossing. His wish is granted.
Last but not least, the Mexican is up. He thinks about his wish long and hard. After an hour rolls by, the other two grow impatient. But right before they can tell him to hurry up, the Mexican jumps up and throws his hand in the air.
"I've got it! I wish for a car door!"
Supremely confused the white guy asks him why he wished for a car door.
The Mexican replied "So for when it gets hot outside, we can just roll down the window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v6a8l/three_guys_are_crossing_the_desert/
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Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition

And was promptly left in embarrassment when he realized that he'd severely misunderstood the objective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v69wm/frankenstein_enters_a_bodybuilding_competition/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v69t8/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot.

The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.
One day the woman was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''
The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot damn!! This is what I've been praying for!!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v692u/a_middle_aged_woman_lived_alone_except_for_her/
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If I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?......

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v67sl/if_i_dont_give_any_money_to_them_why_should_i/
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A grasshopper sits at the bar...

...and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v67om/a_grasshopper_sits_at_the_bar/
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My Most Favorite

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v64rz/my_most_favorite/
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Most Intelligent But Funniest

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v64bd/most_intelligent_but_funniest/
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What do a communist and communism itself have in common?

Neither one works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v63y9/what_do_a_communist_and_communism_itself_have_in/
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Did you hear about the two lesbians that built a house?

It was all tongue in groove
Not a stud in sight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v635d/did_you_hear_about_the_two_lesbians_that_built_a/
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An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked...

An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked after their cruiseship sank.
After they compose themselves, the Englishman takes charge of the situation.
He turns to the Australian: "alright chap, I think I shall go down the beach to search for food, shelter, supplies... you know, things that will keep all 3 of us alive until we are rescued."
"No worries." The Australian replies. "You go up the beach, I'll go down the beach and look for supplies."
They turn to the Japanese man.
The Australian says to him: "maybe you should head inland and look for supplies?"
He is met with a blank stare. After repeating himself, it becomes clear that the Japanese guy knows very little english.
It takes a lot of gesturing and yelling, but soon the Japanese man nods enthusiastically and runs inland to look for supplies. The other 2 men head off to also search.
Towards sundown, the Englishman and the Australian return with some supplies, but the Japanese man is nowhere to be seen. Worried, the two men head inland to look for him.
They walk for almost an hour, and begin to lose hope. Suddenly, they hear a rustle in the bushes... scared and curious, both men move closer to the noise... and out jumps the Japanese man, yelling "**SUPPLIES!**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v60p7/an_australian_and_englishman_and_a_japanese_guy/
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I went to use a public toilets the other day

When I got in the cubicle, I could see someone had pooed all over the seat. As I pushed the door open further I could see they'd also smeared it all over the sides of the cubicle as well. I was absolutely appalled, and my thoughts went out to the poor minimum wage cleaner who had to face this later on. I saw a mop in the corner of the room, and thought I'd be a good samaritan and take care of it for them. It really was hideous, the mop mainly smeared it further and I had to find paper towels and use my bare hands to finally scrape the worst off the walls, but it didn't take too long, and I really felt good about myself afterwards.
I washed my hands, and just as I was leaving on the back of the door was a sign saying "please leave this toilet as you found it" so unfortunately I had to go back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5xks/i_went_to_use_a_public_toilets_the_other_day/
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A man was shopping and noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms"

He purchased them and later that night he decides to tells his wife about them.
Wife: "Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"
Husband: "They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."
Wife:"And what color are you going to wear tonight?"
Husband: "Gold, obviously!"
Wife: "Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5x81/a_man_was_shopping_and_noticed_a_package_that/
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I asked my friend in North Korea how he was doing.

He said he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5x4j/i_asked_my_friend_in_north_korea_how_he_was_doing/
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The Neighbor's Rabbit

One night, a man was sitting on his front porch when his dog brought the corpse of Fluffy, the neighbor's rabbit, to his doorstep. Horrified, the man took the rabbit inside. The man did not particularly care for the neighbors, but he could not bear the thought of someone believing that he was responsible for the death of such a cute, innocent animal.
So he spent the night cleaning up what remained of the poor creature and made Fluffy look good as new. Once he was done, he snuck onto the neighbor's property and placed the dead rabbit in their backyard.
The next day, while the man was outside washing his car, he noticed the husband from next door also standing outside, looking more solemn then usual. The man approached him and asked how he was doing.
The husband replied, with melancholy in his voice, "oh, I'm okay, but unfortunately we've had a death in the family. Our little Fluffy died yesterday."
The man's heart began to race, but he knew he had to keep his composure. "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," he replied.
After a brief sigh, the husband looked at the man and said, "it's okay, we know he went peacefully, but what's really weird is that someone dug up his corpse, and then went through the trouble of cleaning him up and throwing him back in our yard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5x2s/the_neighbors_rabbit/
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What's the difference between being hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5w1r/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
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I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5v17/i_once_had_a_goldfish_that_could_breakdance_on_a/
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I would tell you all a chemistry joke

But it probably wouldn't get a reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5uwj/i_would_tell_you_all_a_chemistry_joke/
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God loves everyone

You know, it's in that book you hold up when you're yelling at gay people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5rxg/god_loves_everyone/
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So a priest, a pedophile and rapist walk into a bar

...he orders a drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5rvz/so_a_priest_a_pedophile_and_rapist_walk_into_a_bar/
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I want to open a Reserve to breed, arm and train West Lowland Gorillas to fight Jihadists.

I'm going to call it Boko Harambe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5r58/i_want_to_open_a_reserve_to_breed_arm_and_train/
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Wake up call

A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5p6v/wake_up_call/
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Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5m7c/dentist/
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Why did the woman throw the stick of butter out the window?

To watch the butterfly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5l5f/why_did_the_woman_throw_the_stick_of_butter_out/
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A crackhead and a masochist are in a prison cell...

They both have life sentences for one reason or another and are pretty hopeless overall. One day the masochist chops his finger off and throws it out of the cell just because he is bored. Then a few minutes later he chops his arm up to the elbow and throws it out of the cell. He repeats this action of cutting and throwing out of the cell with a few more of his human parts. During all this time the crackhead carefully observes every movement of the masochist and is obviously amazed. Finally, he says: "Dude that is the smartest prison escape ever - part by part!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5j2o/a_crackhead_and_a_masochist_are_in_a_prison_cell/
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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Shoot before he hits the water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5hyl/how_do_you_stop_a_lawyer_from_drowning/
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I married a European chess master.

He's my Czech mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5dni/i_married_a_european_chess_master/
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Why does the Pope keep his underwear on while bathing?

Because he doesn't like looking down on the unemployed.
First to ever post this joke here, yay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5cyc/why_does_the_pope_keep_his_underwear_on_while/
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What's the difference between racism and the chinese people?

Racism has many faces...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5cu6/whats_the_difference_between_racism_and_the/
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A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on...

A penguin is driving his when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat it.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just vanilla ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v58yo/a_penguin_is_driving_his_car_when_he_notices_that/
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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate...

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate
submitted 11 months ago * by oxxoMind
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,
Mom.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v567j/a_mom_visits_her_son_for_dinner_who_lives_with_a/
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A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara [NSFW]

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara on a camel. On the third day, the camel dies with little warning. As they dust themselves off, the nun and priest appraise their situation. After a long silence, the priest states:
'Well, sister, this looks to be pretty serious.'
'I know, father. As a matter of fact, I don't think it's likely for us to survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree' affirms the priest. 'Sister, since we likely won't escape here alive, could you do something for me?'
'Anything, father.'
'I haven't seen breasts and I was wondering if I could see yours.'
'Well... under these circumstances, I don't see anything bad in it...'
The nun undresses and the priests was content, commenting on their beauty:
'Sister, do you mind if I touch them?'
She agrees, so the priest feels them up for several minutes.
'Father, may I ask you something?'
'Certainly!'
'I haven't seen a penis. Can I see yours?'
'I think it would be alright' responds the priest, lifting his robe.
'Oh, father, can I touch it?'
The priest agrees and after a few minutes of fondling he finds himself with a pretty serious erection.
'You know, sister, if I introduce my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is this true, father?!'
'Yes, it is, sister.'
'Oh, father, that's wonderful! Then stick it in that camel so we can get the fuck out of here!'
[of Romanian origin, translated as close to original phrasing (translations lean towards mot-a-mot) to maintain cultural nuance]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5573/a_nun_and_a_priest_are_crossing_the_sahara_nsfw/
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No Name Toilet paper

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud. "White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?" "$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies. "That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?" "Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne." "Why?" asks the confused clerk. "Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit off an Indian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v51m9/no_name_toilet_paper/
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Last night I dreamt I was a muffler...

It was exhausting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v51fl/last_night_i_dreamt_i_was_a_muffler/
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A police officer called for backup

"I have an interesting case here; an old lady shot her husband for stepping on a floor she had just mopped", they replied "have you arrested the woman?" "Hell no, the floor is still wet".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v50w2/a_police_officer_called_for_backup/
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I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v500o/i_lent_a_hot_girl_my_umbrella_yesterday/
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What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government.

One of them is organised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v4zvv/whats_the_difference_between_the_mafia_and_the/
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A genie and an idiot

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v4y7z/a_genie_and_an_idiot/
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Needed a new paint job

My house needed a new paint job on the outside so I called up a painter and he came and a did a couple hours of work.
Knowing how expensive painters usually are I begrudgingly asked
"So how much is this gonna bankrupt me"
He replied
"Nothing it's on the house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v4sha/needed_a_new_paint_job/
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"Mommy, I don't want to see grandma today!"

"Shut up and keep digging."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v4qzx/mommy_i_dont_want_to_see_grandma_today/
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Magic Purple Dildo

A girl walks into a bar, and goes up to the bartender and complains about ex-boyfriend and how she will never get laid again.
The bartender looks at her and reaches under the counter and pulls out a purple dildo. He tells her that the dildo is a Magic Dildo. "This is a magic purple dildo you just say the words 'Magic Purple Dildo' and where you want it to go".
She listens to him and is intrigued.
Two Hours later her ex-boyfriend walks into the bar, and sees his ex-girlfriend running around with the dildo following him. She finally yells out "HELP! HELP! HELP! A MAGIC PURPLE DILDO IS FOLLOWING ME!"
He goes, "(Scoffs) yeah right, Magic Purple Dildo My Ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v4q4w/magic_purple_dildo/
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IF JFK taught me one thing...

The best way to clear your head is to take a ride in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v4ok9/if_jfk_taught_me_one_thing/
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Guy has a bad eye pain

, he goes to the doctor and explains the strange pain he gets in his eye everytime he drinks coffe. Sometimes his left others times his right eye.
The doctor finds nothing worng, he suggests an excercise where he will have coffee and all the extras in his office , then he will then come in and make his coffee like usual so the doctor can see what is happening.
After the excercise the doctor says he knew exactly what is wrong. The guy says, what!? What is it?!
The doctor says, you should take the spoon out of your coffee before you drink it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v4ob3/guy_has_a_bad_eye_pain/
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Jesus loves you.

These are beautiful words to hear in a church, and absolutely horrifying ones to hear in a Mexican prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v4k9t/jesus_loves_you/
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Sometimes I'll order a pizza without any toppings...

When I'm feeling saucy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v4hyr/sometimes_ill_order_a_pizza_without_any_toppings/
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Deaf Genies ....

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter. He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? "
"Sure" says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants.
The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head.
And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v4hti/deaf_genies/
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I tried inventing a belt with a clock on it...

It was a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v4glp/i_tried_inventing_a_belt_with_a_clock_on_it/
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America is converting to the metric system

Inch by inch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v4eha/america_is_converting_to_the_metric_system/
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I needed some white noise yesterday to go to sleep.

So i recorded myself saying "All lives matter" and played it on repeat until i fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v4byb/i_needed_some_white_noise_yesterday_to_go_to_sleep/
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Dirty take on an old classic

Patricia the prostitute was feeling down; she had recently been beaten by her pimp and was given a demeaning nickname from her peers because of it. Still, she had to work. Her pimp dropped her off at a client's house for their prearranged meeting. To her surprise, it was a dog that answered the door and asked her to remind him of her fee.
"It's $200 a night," she said.
"Well, I don't have that kind of money, but I do have this."
The dog produced a ceramic rabbit from a table in the walkway.
"Hold on a minute," Patricia said, baffled.
She took the rabbit from the dog and brought it over to her pimp's idling car.
"Do you know what this is about?" she asked her pimp.
He looked at her and said, "it's a knick knack, Patti Whack, give a dog a bone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v496y/dirty_take_on_an_old_classic/
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The Strongest Man in the World

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs. He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v485o/the_strongest_man_in_the_world/
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My roommate called the suicide hotline and they put him on hold

They just left him hangin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v44m3/my_roommate_called_the_suicide_hotline_and_they/
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What do you call a spinning potato?

A ro-tater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v43s5/what_do_you_call_a_spinning_potato/
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An elderly man hears a knock on his door...

He answers it to find a beautiful young woman standing there completely naked.
The woman says to the old man, "I'm here to give you super sex"
The old man replies, "I'll have the soup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v433u/an_elderly_man_hears_a_knock_on_his_door/
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The secret to wealth

A young man once asked a rich older man how he earned all his money. The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two more apples. I shined those apples all day and all night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."
"Then my wife's father died and left us 3 million bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v42xy/the_secret_to_wealth/
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What's worse than a paper titty?

A cardboard box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v421f/whats_worse_than_a_paper_titty/
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When you wish upon a star

... you're actually a few million years late, according to astronomy.
The star is dead. Just like your dreams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3zxz/when_you_wish_upon_a_star/
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Have I ever told you about the Monk living on the hill and the tiny pickle in a jar?

Once upon a time there was a Monk who lived on a hill. He lived a simple life and was quite content, nothing out of the ordinary ever seemed to happen in his life. However, one day as he was settling down to watch his favourite shows with a mug of hot cocoa, he saw on the weather channel that a horrible storm was headed in his direction. He thought nothing of it and went to bed later that night. In the early hours of the morning, however, he was awoken by a loud banging on his front door, he threw on his robe and slippers before running downstairs to answer the door. Upon opening the door he was met by a homeless man who asked for refuge during the storm as his home was the only shelter for miles. Being a religious and kind man, the Monk saw to the homeless man and gave him the spare bed before going back to bed. The next morning the Monk decided he would treat the homeless man to breakfast in bed as he figured he had been through a lot. He knocked on the spare bedroom door, although there was no answer. He entered the room and immediately dropped his prepared breakfast in horror as he saw that there was blood smeared on the bed and the curtains, no sight of the homeless man and a tiny pickle in a jar in the corner of the room. Perplexed and with no explanation, the Monk proceeded to clean the mess and carry on with his life, trying to explain this unfortunate series of events to himself. The next night the Monk was once again awoken by a loud banging on his front door. When he answered he was confronted by another homeless man also seeking refuge. Once again here obliged and provided shelter. The next morning he went to check on his guest and found the exact same scene he saw the previous morning. Blood stained curtains and bed sheets, no sign of his guest and a tiny little pickle in a jar in the corner of the room. The Monk vowed to not allow this to happen again and after cleaning up the mess and going to bed the following night, He was awoken one final time by a banging on his front door and immediately answered it exclaiming "no no no! You cannot stay here, I will not allow another catastrophe in my home!". To his surprise, the Monk noticed he was not speaking to a homeless man, but rather a small gentlemen with a long beard and pointy hat. The man said "listen here, Monk. Do you want to know why every time you let a homeless person seek refuge in your house, you wind up with blood stained curtains and bed sheets, the absence of a guest and a tiny little pickle in a jar in the corner of the room?". "YES! More than anything! Please tell me!", the Monk gasped. The man replied, "I shall tell you, but you must promise not to tell another living soul as long as you live.". "I promise", said the Monk.
And he never did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3xxt/have_i_ever_told_you_about_the_monk_living_on_the/
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Dear Redditors, I do not mean to sound slutty, but you can use me whenever you want.

Sincerely,
Grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3xj6/dear_redditors_i_do_not_mean_to_sound_slutty_but/
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What do Japan and Shaq have in common?

Kobe Beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3wme/what_do_japan_and_shaq_have_in_common/
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school

. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3uyy/little_april_was_not_the_best_student_in_sunday/
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If you were in a room with Hillary and Trump

A news reporter was looking for everyday people to voice their opinion on the election of 2016.
A man volunteers to be interviewed by the reporter.
Reporter: "Who do you support in this year's election?"
Man: "That's a rather difficult question to answer, they're both morons."
Reporter: "Let's put it this way, if you were in a room with Hillary and Trump, with a gun that only has one bullet who would you shoot?"
Man: "Myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3tb3/if_you_were_in_a_room_with_hillary_and_trump/
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Three deeply devout men were killed in a tragic car accident while on their way to church...

The three men awoke in front of a fountain with the great Gates of Heaven in the far distance. Standing in front of the fountain was an angel, wearing a seemingly dissatisfied smile.
"You three men have been so devout for your entire lives that you have never succumbed to sin."
The men felt as though this was a compliment and smiled, until the angel corrected them.
"The Lord will not allow you to drink from the Holy Water and enter his holy palace until you have lived the full human experience."
One man, seemingly confused, stepped forward. "Where shall we go? We have never sinned: we can not be condemned to Hell," he said.
"You are right," began the angel,  and under the circumstance the Lord has agreed to allow you to redeem yourselves. His generosity has determined that I shall send each of you back to Earth for no more than one hour. In this time, you must each sin once, and then you may drink from the Holy Water, be forgiven, and pass through the Great Gates."
The men seemed to understand their task at hand. The angel sent the three back to Earth.
An hour passed and the three men returned to the angel. The first approached, looking miserable and filled with guilt.
"My Lord," he began, " I have broken one of your few commandments. I have stolen from a women who had done no harm to me."
The angel forgave the first man and allowed him to drink from the holy water.
The second man looked even more miserable than the last.
"My Lord," he cried, " I have destroyed the life of an entire family that I have never even met. I lit their entire home on fire and watched as their possessions were engulfed by the flames! Please, forgive me Lord!"
The angel forgave the second man as well, and allowed him to drink the holy water.
The third man, by this point, was grimmacing. He seemed hysterical, and no longer able to control his laughter.
"Have you committed sin?" asked the angel.
"Ya," laughed the third man, " I just pissed in that holy water!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3sl2/three_deeply_devout_men_were_killed_in_a_tragic/
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I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there's no fucking money in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3s5x/i_always_carry_a_picture_of_my_wife_and_children/
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What's a feminists favourite type of math?

triggernometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3r9p/whats_a_feminists_favourite_type_of_math/
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My grandmother died and left me a tomato.

I shouldn't have asked for any heirlooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3quh/my_grandmother_died_and_left_me_a_tomato/
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What is the worst part about eating a clock?

It is very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3pnc/what_is_the_worst_part_about_eating_a_clock/
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What is the difference between a G spot and a golf ball

A guy will actually search for a golf ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3pe2/what_is_the_difference_between_a_g_spot_and_a/
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What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3lv5/whats_the_difference_between_john_wayne_and_jack/
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A man boarded an airplane

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3lpc/a_man_boarded_an_airplane/
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A man wants to jump off a bridge...

(This joke is courtesy of Emo Philips)
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well... are you religious?"
He said yes.
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist"
"Wow! Me too!  Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God!"
"Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3lmz/a_man_wants_to_jump_off_a_bridge/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

The p is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3k42/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
(NSFW) A man looks to shorten his "size"

There once was a man whose penis was 25 inches in size. He was unable to have sex and searched for a cure.
He hears from a friend about a woman who can shorten penis size with her magic. He was skeptical and reluctant, but eventually he travels to the woman's home.
Once he gets there he is greeted by the woman's husband. The husband tells the man that you must get his wife to say "No" and when she does his penis will decrease 5 inches in size. He greets the lady and tells her his case. She agrees to help him.
He asks the woman "Will you marry me?" The woman says No. He is now at 20 inches. He asks again. "Will you marry me?". The woman replies "No." He is now at 15 inches. The man asks one final time "Will you marry me?". The woman replies "How many times must I tell you? No. No. No!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v3ank/nsfw_a_man_looks_to_shorten_his_size/
%
I heard oxygen and magnesium were dating

And I was like OMG

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v383k/i_heard_oxygen_and_magnesium_were_dating/
%
This joke is like a Jamaican barbershop...

Dreadful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v36ao/this_joke_is_like_a_jamaican_barbershop/
%
If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v33wa/if_your_partner_is_overweight_get_them_to_walk_3/
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Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!"
I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said,
"Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!"
while I was waiting on the sofa... NAKED.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v33f8/why_did_i_get_divorced/
%
I went to a topless bar last night

I was having a great time, until it started raining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v32rh/i_went_to_a_topless_bar_last_night/
%
The Mona Lisa was arrested for loitering today

But it wasn't her fault, she was framed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v32ls/the_mona_lisa_was_arrested_for_loitering_today/
%
Why did the Mexican cross the road?

Because there isn't a fucking wall in the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v32ep/why_did_the_mexican_cross_the_road/
%
I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex...

I'm tired.  I'm washing my hair.  I've got a headache.  I am your sister-in-law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v30gz/im_fed_up_with_the_excuses_women_come_up_with_to/
%
Two nuns are walking down an alley late at night...

When they get approached by 2 men who begin assaulting them.  After minutes of the altercation, Sister Mary Sue screams, "Oh dear Lord!  Forgive this man for he knows not what he is doing!"  Sister Sarah looks up and says, "....Mine does".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v2v6n/two_nuns_are_walking_down_an_alley_late_at_night/
%
Orgasm Control Seminar

My buddy is holding a seminar at the learning annex for people who have difficulty achieving an orgasm.
If you can't come, it's cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v2v2c/orgasm_control_seminar/
%
I'm more optimistic than most.

Some say the glass is half empty, some would say it's half full.
I'd say "Hey, That's a nice glass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v2ka8/im_more_optimistic_than_most/
%
Wish

Translated from my language, might contain mistakes, I apologize in advance.
Guy was walking on the beach and saw an Aladdin Lamp buried in the sand. He grabbed it, rubbed it till it got clean and genie came out and told him:
-You have freed me from the lamp, I can make one wish come true for you.
Guy thought for a sec and said:
- Its been 20 years since I moved to US, I would love to go and visit my country but Im afraid of the planes and flying and I get sea sick on a boat. Can you build a bridge over the ocean so I can drive to Europe?
Genie chuckled and said:
-Its impossible, just imagine how many people and years we need for it to be built, piers wouldn't be able to reach the bottom of the ocean. Try another one.
Guy went into deep thoughts and said after a couple of minutes:
- I want to be able to understand women, to understand and feel what they think, even while they are silent, to know why they are crying when they do, to be able to know what they want when they say: nothings wrong, to know how to make them happy.
Genie said:
- Did you want that bridge with 2 or 4 lanes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v2k00/wish/
%
Some Things You Just Can't Explain....

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v2jon/some_things_you_just_cant_explain/
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Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v2hn4/q_what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_two_brain_cells/
%
What do you call a bull that masturbates?

Beef Jerky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v2h9i/what_do_you_call_a_bull_that_masturbates/
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I'll never forget the first time I had sex

That's because I kept the receipt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v2ggu/ill_never_forget_the_first_time_i_had_sex/
%
I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.

I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v2enf/i_walked_past_a_field_of_cows_at_3_am_and_saw/
%
My girlfriend and I are fighting over my recent hair loss...

I really hope it's just a rough patch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v2b2v/my_girlfriend_and_i_are_fighting_over_my_recent/
%
My wife says I never take out the trash. I disagree.

We just had our anniversary dinner last week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v2abe/my_wife_says_i_never_take_out_the_trash_i_disagree/
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Happy Retirement

My friends that still work ask me frequently what I do every day, now that I'm retired. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and entered a shop; I wasn't there for even five minutes.
When I exited, a cop was filling out a ticket for double-parking. I quickly approached him and said, "Wow, officer! I didn't spend more than five minutes in the store! God would reward you if you made a kind gesture toward an old, retired man, such as myself." He completely ignored me and continued filling out the ticket.
The truth is, I went a little overboard, so I apologized. The cop looked at me coldly and started to fill out a second ticket, saying that besides being double-parked, my license plate was crooked. I then raised my voice and called him every name in the book. He finished the second ticket and placed it under the windshield wiper.
I didn't desist, and continued to insult him with all I had. To every insult, he smiled vengefully and filled out yet another ticket. After the fifteenth infraction, I told him, "I'm afraid I must leave you, officer - my bus has arrived!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v27pg/happy_retirement/
%
three college students are trying to join a fraternity...

They are told they have to spend the night in a derelict house thought by students to be haunted. When the three students enter, it is cold, there are few soft places to sleep, and no working water or plumbing. The first student walks up the stairs and discovers the only bedroom in the house. He quickly claims it as his sleeping spot. The second student walks upstairs and discovers a bathroom with no windows that is warmer than the other rooms. He quickly claims that as his room for the night. The third student is far more afraid than the other two, and decides to sleep on the carpet at the bottom of the stairs, since it is soft and close to the front door. The three students eventually fall asleep. In the middle of the night, the student in the bedroom wakes up to horrible stomach pains. He has to use the bathroom but remembers there is no way to flush, and student number two is sleeping in there. In a panic, he decides to use his pillow case as an alternative. He hurls the case out of his room and down the stairs, and quickly falls back asleep. In the morning, both students upstairs wake up to find student number 3 who had been sleeping downstairs did not make it through the night. They went to his dorm to find him visibly shaken. They ask what happened to which he replied "I'm not sure, but I think I beat the shit out of a ghost last night".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v26nv/three_college_students_are_trying_to_join_a/
%
If smoking is so bad for you

How come it cures salmon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v25hf/if_smoking_is_so_bad_for_you/
%
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v23h1/ive_been_charged_with_murder_for_killing_a_man/
%
I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v22l5/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
%
Know any jokes about sodium?

Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v227i/know_any_jokes_about_sodium/
%
Those "Run Hillary, Run!" bumper stickers are selling incredibly well

Democrats put them on the back of their cars, Republicans put them on the front!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v20jn/those_run_hillary_run_bumper_stickers_are_selling/
%
So Sports Authority is going out of business.

I hear their competitors are real Dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1yiu/so_sports_authority_is_going_out_of_business/
%
Speeding Ticket

A cop has pulled a man over for going 150 in a 60.  Guy had a nice sports car and wanted to test it out, then tried to shake the cop when he saw he was being pulled over.  As a lover of old sports cars, and being tired, the cop gave him an ultimatum.
"Look, it's the end of my shift.  I'm ready to go home.  I've completely gone through one book of tickets already today.  If you can give me one good reason for why the hell you tried to run from me, I'll let you go scott free."
The man pauses hearing this, and looks ahead, his face stuck as if staring at some terrible thing far away.  "Last week my wife ran off with a cop.  I thought you were trying to return her."
The cop hands the man his license and says "Have a good day sir, try to slow down from now on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1y4k/speeding_ticket/
%
Having more isn't always a good thing

I mean, I have a cousin with more chromosomes....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1wsr/having_more_isnt_always_a_good_thing/
%
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow

I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1wge/what_do_you_get_when_you_crossbreed_a_shark_and_a/
%
What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1qe3/what_do_necrophiliacs_and_alcoholics_have_in/
%
On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you  want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1ppp/on_his_74th_birthday_an_old_man_received_a_gift/
%
A step-by-step guide on how to parallel park!

1) Park somewhere else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1pci/a_stepbystep_guide_on_how_to_parallel_park/
%
Have you ever tried sky diving without a parachute?

It's a once in a lifetime experience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1n7y/have_you_ever_tried_sky_diving_without_a_parachute/
%
Australians don't have sex...

Australians mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1kvk/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
My Italian Grandfather's Trip to Italy

Let me tell you a story about my Italian grandfather and a trip he took to visit his hometown in Malta. It's easier to understand if you remember he has a thick Italian accent, which I'll try to type phonetically.
"So one-a day I'm-a decide I go back to visit my hometown-a Malta. I get on de plane, I fly into Italy, I take-a da bus to de hotel, I check into da hotel and I fall asleep.
De next day, I wake uppa with a very hunger and I go down to de hotel rest-a-raunt. I order big-a breakfast, I order me three eggs, three bacons, and two pisses toast. De waiter he came, he put down de plate, and de plate has-a de three eggs, de three bacons, but only one piss toast. I say to waiter, "What-a happen here? I order breakfast and I want two piss." The waiter say, "you should go to de restroom," and I say, "no, I mean I want-a two piss on de plate." De waiter say "you better not piss on de plate you sonnamabitch!" I not know this man two minutes, he call-a me de sonnamabitch.
Anyway, I leave that restaurant and I go have a wonderful time in de city. That night, I am de very hungry again and I go to de different restaurant and I order a big-a plate-a de spaghetti and meatballs and a bottle-a de red wine. De waiter, he bring me a knife, and a spoon, but no fock. How-a I supposed to eat-a my spaghettis and I have-a no fock? I tell de waiter, "I can't eat yet, I need a fock." De waiter, he says, "Malta has-a many prostitutes," and I say to him, "no, no, I mean, I want-a fock on de table," and he says to me, "you betta not fock on de table, you sonnamabitch!" Again, a waiter call me a sonnamabitch!
Anyway, now I am tired of Italy and I decide I'm-a going to go to bed. I get up to my room, and the housekeepings have been, and they change-a de linens, and I have a blanket, and a pillow, but no sheeit. I call the front desk, and I-a say to de man, "I need a sheeit." He say, "there is bathroom in your suite, go there," and I say, "no, you no understand, I wanna sheeit on de bed," and he say, "you better not sheeit on de bed, you sonnamabitch!"
That's it! I have-a had it with Italy. I pack-a my bags, I go down to check out. The girl at de front desk very kind to me, but as she hand me my receipt, she say, "Peace on you." I say "Piss on you too, you sonnamabitch, I'm-a go back to America!"
TL;DR: accents are funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1jwz/my_italian_grandfathers_trip_to_italy/
%
This guy's doctor tells him he needs to stop masturbating. Guy asks why.

"Because I'm trying to take your temperature."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1j06/this_guys_doctor_tells_him_he_needs_to_stop/
%
An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.

After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate.  He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.
"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"
"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says.  "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1i56/an_airline_employee_makes_the_final_boarding_call/
%
Here's my review of the sun:

One star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1hsp/heres_my_review_of_the_sun/
%
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought..

.. "That sounds like a fair trade"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1e36/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_watch_for_children_and_i/
%
Two melons have a secret love affair...

One melon says to the other, "baby, I love you so much. I just wanna sneak away and get married right now."
The other responds, "no, we cantaloupe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1bpe/two_melons_have_a_secret_love_affair/
%
My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy.

"You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"
I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."
He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"
I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1ado/my_boss_phoned_me_and_he_wasnt_happy/
%
I had surgery to change myself from Asian to Caucasian.

It was a real eye opening experience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v18sm/i_had_surgery_to_change_myself_from_asian_to/
%
When guys are best friends it's a bromance. When girls are best friends it's.....

Temporary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v17t6/when_guys_are_best_friends_its_a_bromance_when/
%
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.
"Have you arrested her?" asks the sergeant.
No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v15do/a_woman_shoots_her_husband_for_stepping_on_the/
%
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won.

I replied, "Yeah, man, you're free."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v11gf/i_was_in_nyc_and_a_black_guy_asked_me_if_the/
%
Who's this Rorschach dude?

And why is he so good at drawing pictures of my mom beating me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v11d7/whos_this_rorschach_dude/
%
I have an inferiority complex..

.. but it's not a very good one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v110x/i_have_an_inferiority_complex/
%
The bathtub test...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v10rt/the_bathtub_test/
%
Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned.

The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician.
"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0zyt/bubba_dies_in_a_fire_and_his_body_is_pretty_badly/
%
A chemistry teacher is having problems with her desktop...

So she asks the class:
"How do I unfreeze my computer?"
After a few seconds, one student raises their hand and responds:
"What's the melting point?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0wlw/a_chemistry_teacher_is_having_problems_with_her/
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Have you heard the joke about my penis?

Nevermind, no one ever gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0vkc/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_my_penis/
%
My sister asked me if I was gay

I couldn't give her a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0rsa/my_sister_asked_me_if_i_was_gay/
%
Heart surgery

Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.
Boy: I know .
Girl: I love you.
Boy: I love you too.
After surgery the girl wakes up and finds her father sitting in the chair.
Girl: Where is my boyfriend ?
Dad: Don't you know who gave you your new heart.
Girl: (With tears in her eyes ) Omg.
Dad : I'm just kidding, he's in the bathroom.
It's not my joke but I never saw it here so I decided to tell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0qhb/heart_surgery/
%
Doctor and Lady

Doctor: You are looking so weak and exhausted! Are you properly taking 3 meals a day as I had advised?
Lady: Oh my god! I heard 3 “males” a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0ofr/doctor_and_lady/
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Do Not Be Racist .....

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0ndn/do_not_be_racist/
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If con is opposite of pro ....

then is Congress the opposite of progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0my8/if_con_is_opposite_of_pro/
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A man goes into a restaurant.

**Saul:** A man goes into a restaurant. You listenin'? A man goes into a restaurant. He sits down, he's havin' a bowl of soup. He says to the waiter; "Waiter, come taste the soup."
Waiter says; "Is there something wrong with the soup?"
He says; "Taste the soup."
He says; "Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot?"
He says; "Will you taste the soup?",
"What's wrong is the soup to cold?"
"Will you just taste the soup?"
"All right, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?"
"Ah-ha!"
Saul: "Ah-ha!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0m1k/a_man_goes_into_a_restaurant/
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What do you call a man holding a machine gun?

Sir

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0m0y/what_do_you_call_a_man_holding_a_machine_gun/
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I think Australians are obsessed with true information.

They keep telling me to "get fact".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0jcz/i_think_australians_are_obsessed_with_true/
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Magic aphrodisiac

A man and woman had been married for fifteen years and their sex life was starting to die so they went to a doctor, who prescribed an aphrodisiac. He gave the bottle to the wife, telling her to put them in her husband's drink every evening and that their sex life should improve.
Despite being doubtful, she did as she was advised and that night, they had the best sex they've had in years. Over the next couple weeks, the sex started getting monotonous so she upped it to two pills, then three, and finally, just dumped the rest of the bottle in his drink one night.
Some time later the Doctor called to check on their progress and their son answered the phone. When asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis is pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad's outside yelling 'Here, kitty, kitty!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0i20/magic_aphrodisiac/
%
I saw a guy wearing a stovepipe hat the other day...

...so I said, "Hey! Abraham Lincoln called and he wants..." Then I realized, they didn't have phones in the mid 1800s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0hce/i_saw_a_guy_wearing_a_stovepipe_hat_the_other_day/
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An inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad.

He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day. As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead. The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0fxn/an_inmate_on_death_row_is_scheduled_to_be_put_to/
%
What's the difference between a Greyhound Station and a crab with big boobs?

One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0f8n/whats_the_difference_between_a_greyhound_station/
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Did you hear the one about the subatomic particle that refused to pay the bus fare?

It just lepton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0emu/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_subatomic_particle/
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My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace.

After a few hours I finally found the exit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0ekj/my_boss_fired_me_because_of_my_lack_of_knowledge/
%
What does sex have in common with a savings account...

What does sex have in common with a savings account?
Answer is:
"You lose interest once you make a withdrawal".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0d7m/what_does_sex_have_in_common_with_a_savings/
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A young blonde woman is distraught

because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0bre/a_young_blonde_woman_is_distraught/
%
I was in a nightclub grinding on a girl.

When someone said, "What the fuck are you doing with that skateboard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v0ayz/i_was_in_a_nightclub_grinding_on_a_girl/
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The Past, the Present and the Future walk into a bar...

It was *tense*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v09ua/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
%
I asked my wife for breakfast in bed...

She told me to sleep in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v08wm/i_asked_my_wife_for_breakfast_in_bed/
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A man walks into a bar on the third floor.

He sits down and orders a double vodka on the rocks, smashes his head three times on the counter and jumps out the window. A minute later the man walks back inside and orders another double vodka on the rocks, bangs his head on the counter and proceeds to jump out the window. When he again walks in the door, one of the patrons walks up to him and asks: "Excuse me, but how are you able to survive that fall?" The man replies: "If you are able to drink a double vodka on the rocks and bang your head on the desk three times you can do anything." The other patron says to the barkeep: "Give me one, I need to try this." He proceeds to down his drink, bashes his head and jumps out the window. The barkeep says to the first man: "You're cruel when you get drunk superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v03ab/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_on_the_third_floor/
%
A blonde and a brunette were on an elevator...

And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.
The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."
The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzzmo/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_were_on_an_elevator/
%
Once, in an African village....

Once, in an African village, a native man walked up to a missionary with a look of fury on his face. "My wife gave birth today," the native growled, "and the baby is white! And you're the only white person within 100 miles of here! "
The missionary glanced around guiltily for a moment but quickly regained his composure. "Look at those goats over there," the missionary said, pointing at the village's livestock. "All of them are white, except for that black one over there. Sometimes nature works in mysterious ways. "
The native's eyes widened, and he nodded at the missionary. "I understand, sir. I'll stop talking about the white baby..." and here his voice dropped to a whisper. "... And you stop talking about the black goat. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzy34/once_in_an_african_village/
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The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.
It went like this:
ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new
Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...
ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen
Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?
ABC: That's a granted.
Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?
ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?
Timmy: Are meals subsidized?
ABC: You BET.
Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?
ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.
Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?
ABC: Yes. Absolutely.
Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?
After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.
To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzvv0/the_difference_between_beforeafter_getting_hired/
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I have the heart of a lion..

.. and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzvt1/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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Can you identify yourself

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzuny/can_you_identify_yourself/
%
Stop making history jokes!!

They're getting old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzt7j/stop_making_history_jokes/
%
Whats the difference between racism and asians?

Racism has many faces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzsgl/whats_the_difference_between_racism_and_asians/
%
Teacher to student

: “Make a sentence using the word “I”
Student: “I is..”
Teacher: “No that is not correct, you should say I am”
Student: “Ok. I am the ninth letter in the Alphabet”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzq5b/teacher_to_student/
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A teacher asks her class..

to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzpsh/a_teacher_asks_her_class/
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You're scared of pedophiles?

Grow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzonc/youre_scared_of_pedophiles/
%
Mickey Mouse files for divorce

The divorce court judge says "Micky, I can't determine from your statement whether the grounds for divorce are insanity or infidelity."
Mickey says, "your honor, I don't know how it could be more clear, Minnie Mouse is fucking goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzfhi/mickey_mouse_files_for_divorce/
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I Recently Got a Job Circumsizing Horses...

The pay isn't good but the tips are huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzfbn/i_recently_got_a_job_circumsizing_horses/
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A blonde walks up to her blonde mom...

and asks,
"Mom, why does everyone think we are stupid?"
Her mum chuckles and says
"Bring me a pot"
A bit confused, the daughter goes and grabs a pot from the kitchen and hands it to her mom. Soon after the mother starts knocking on the pot.
The daughter turns to the door and says,
"Mom! Someone is at the door!"
The mom chuckles and says,
"See, this is why people think Blondes are stupid...
now hold this pot so I can go answer the door."
*Edit* Changed gender of daughter back, sorry tumblr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzeoj/a_blonde_walks_up_to_her_blonde_mom/
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I dig,

You dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. It's not a good poem, but it's deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzeib/i_dig/
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So a blonde gets on a plane bound for NYC...

And sits down in the first class section. The guy whose seat she had taken, he goes up and tells the flight attendant there's someone in his seat. So the flight attendant goes over and says
"Miss, I'm going to have to ask you to go to your proper seat"
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm headed to New York City."
Confused and slightly taken aback, the flight attendant responds "Miss, you *need* to vacate this seat."
Once again, the blonde says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm headed to New York City!"
Just as the flight attendant is about to say something again, the blonde interjects, "I'm blonde. I'm beautiful. And I'm headed to New York City."
So the flight attendant speed walks to the cockpit and says, "Captain, I need help. This blonde lady sitting in the front row has taken this gentleman's seat, and she refuses to leave!"
Calmly, the captain stands and says, "Don't worry. I can handle this. My wife's a blonde too."
He walks over to the blonde and quickly whispers into her ear. She gets her luggage, and sprints to the back of the plane.
Shocked and amazed, the flight attendant and gentleman ask, "What did you even say!"
With a grin the captain replies,
"I told her that this part of the plane doesn't go to New York City."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uz9nd/so_a_blonde_gets_on_a_plane_bound_for_nyc/
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Paper, Rock, and Scissors were sitting at a table playing Poker

They are playing a hand and Rock goes all in, Scissors places $50, and paper snapped in a half and dies.
Scissors asks, "What happened?".
Rocks replies, "I think he folded".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uz6py/paper_rock_and_scissors_were_sitting_at_a_table/
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What's the similarity between Chris Brown being released and Pokemon Go being released?

An increase in battery cases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uz6h7/whats_the_similarity_between_chris_brown_being/
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How can you tell if an envelope is gay?

It comes in the mail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uz603/how_can_you_tell_if_an_envelope_is_gay/
%
There's only one group of people dumb enough to believe in astrology...

Scorpios

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uz4yb/theres_only_one_group_of_people_dumb_enough_to/
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Two Men Were Hunting Buffalo

One put his ear to the ground
He lifted his head up and said "Buffalo come"
The other said "How do you know?"
He said "ear sticky"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uz3za/two_men_were_hunting_buffalo/
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Facts of life

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he’d be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uz3t9/facts_of_life/
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Two hillbillies see a woman choking...

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, "Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uz3pf/two_hillbillies_see_a_woman_choking/
%
My girlfriend has twelve breasts.

It seems kind of freaky, dozen-tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uz2ca/my_girlfriend_has_twelve_breasts/
%
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uyzc7/what_does_a_turtle_and_a_pedophile_have_in_common/
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An old multi-billionaire is lying on his deathbed...

And he calls his 3 best friends into the room.
&nbsp;
"Now look," he says, "I know I won't be alive much longer, and you know I love my money. I want to prove to my family that you CAN take it with you when you go. So, to keep them from getting their greedy mitts on my money, I'm giving each of you one billion dollars of my money to keep in trust until my funeral, at which time you will place the money in my casket before they close it."
&nbsp;
His three friends agree, and they each leave with one billion dollars.
&nbsp;
Three weeks later, the old man is dead, and the three friends show up at the cemetery for the funeral. The first friend, a dentist, stepped forward, dragging a suitcase full of money.
&nbsp;
"I have a confession to make. I...used $10,000 of the money to get better equipment for my office, and $3000 more to fix all of my family's teeth."
&nbsp;
The second friend, a surgeon, stepped forward with his suitcase in tow. "I too, have a confession to make." he said. "I used $50,000 to fund my clinic, and another $10,000 to give my wife the cosmetic surgeries she has always wanted."
&nbsp;
The third man, a lawyer, simply stands there, growing more and more red in the face with anger. "YOU UNTRUSTWORTHY BASTARDS!" he yelled.
&nbsp;
"I WROTE HIM A CHECK FOR THE FULL AMOUNT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uyz21/an_old_multibillionaire_is_lying_on_his_deathbed/
%
My girl told me she's depressed. Because of her weight, she suffers discrimination.

I told her "Just ignore them. You're bigger than that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uyyte/my_girl_told_me_shes_depressed_because_of_her/
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A woman's three daughters are going out on dates...

"What are your date plans?", the mother asks the daughters.
"I'm going out with Pete; we are going to eat" says the first daughter.
"Great! have fun" says the mom
"I'm going with Lance. We are going to dance" says the second daughter.
"Have a ball!" says the mother
"I'm going out with Chuck" says the third daughter
"NO YOU'RE NOT" yells the mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uywho/a_womans_three_daughters_are_going_out_on_dates/
%
Can a ninja throw a star?

Shur-He-Can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uyvg9/can_a_ninja_throw_a_star/
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I got caught fapping while sniffing my mate's sister's underwear yesterday...

... It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't still wearing them at the time. He went fucking ballistic. Sure as hell made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uyqfe/i_got_caught_fapping_while_sniffing_my_mates/
%
A guy brings his golf buddy home.

This guy brings his best golf buddy home unannounced for dinner at 6:30 after enjoying a day of golf.  His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess, and the dishes aren't done.  I’m completely exhausted!  I didn’t get enough sleep last night.  Can't you see I'm still in my fucking
pajamas??  I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!  Why the fuck did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole?"
He answers:
“Because he’s thinking of getting married..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uypgh/a_guy_brings_his_golf_buddy_home/
%
My doctor recommended that I stay away from trans fats

I should stop using recipes from tumblr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uynpd/my_doctor_recommended_that_i_stay_away_from_trans/
%
An electrician comes home at 2 am....

His wife asks, "wire you insulate?"
He replies, "watt's the problem, I'm ohm aren't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uym92/an_electrician_comes_home_at_2_am/
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Sex Toy Shop

One day this guy comes to work at a sex toy shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop. About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?" The guy says "30 bucks" "And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady. Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white" So she takes the black one and leaves. A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?" The man responds "30 bucks" She asks "And how much for your black dildos?" "30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man. So she takes the white one leaves. About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?" The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks" Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that green one?" The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250" The blonde agrees and takes it.
Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?" The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and a liter of mountain dew for $250!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uym1i/sex_toy_shop/
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The Lawyer's dog

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uyl29/the_lawyers_dog/
%
How did the handyman feel after going to the bar?

He was hammered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uyhz6/how_did_the_handyman_feel_after_going_to_the_bar/
%
A teacher was giving a math lesson...

...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
The student replied, "Two dollars."
"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.
"No," the student said, "you just don't know my father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uyf0k/a_teacher_was_giving_a_math_lesson/
%
Went bass fishing the other day

Caught a subwoofer this big!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uye7k/went_bass_fishing_the_other_day/
%
When I was a kid, I asked my dad where babies come from.

He said, "The fridge! You should go see if there's one in there now! If there isn't, bring me a beer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uye1y/when_i_was_a_kid_i_asked_my_dad_where_babies_come/
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Relaxing location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.
Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uydgg/relaxing_location/
%
If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men?

"friends"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uyb83/if_men_call_short_women_petite_what_do_women_call/
%
A family walks into a hotel...

The father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies "It's just regular porn you sick fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uy9vd/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce...

Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uy8qk/a_hillbilly_walked_into_an_attorneys_office/
%
I don't understand how people can do such good impersonations.

I can't even be myself around other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uy6cv/i_dont_understand_how_people_can_do_such_good/
%
Reddit accounts should be treated like underwear.

If you can keep them clean you could keep the same one for a while, but if you flood them with shit you should get a new one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uy698/reddit_accounts_should_be_treated_like_underwear/
%
A boy is working on his English homework

, and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"
His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."
So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?
She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"
The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?
"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.
The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.
"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uy5lm/a_boy_is_working_on_his_english_homework/
%
How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only 3: One to screw it in, another to film it, and a last one to say "sick turns brah!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uy4z2/how_many_snowboarders_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A man comes home from work...

A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, naked, and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uy47z/a_man_comes_home_from_work/
%
When my upstairs neighbor uses the toilet

It's some next level shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uy3qn/when_my_upstairs_neighbor_uses_the_toilet/
%
How do you sink a French battleship?

Put it in water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uy13w/how_do_you_sink_a_french_battleship/
%
Who was the biggest slut in history?

Ms. Pac Man!
For 25¢, that bitch will swallow balls until she dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uy0vz/who_was_the_biggest_slut_in_history/
%
I think my friend might be gay...

His dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uy0hk/i_think_my_friend_might_be_gay/
%
What did the guy in China say to the Chinese couple who finally got approved to adopt?

Con-grab-ur-asians!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxzgo/what_did_the_guy_in_china_say_to_the_chinese/
%
It can't be much fun being gay.

Your friends are always moaning behind your back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxtko/it_cant_be_much_fun_being_gay/
%
What do you call a fish with no eye?

FSH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxska/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eye/
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What does a redneck garden gnome hate more than anything?

Transplants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxr9d/what_does_a_redneck_garden_gnome_hate_more_than/
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Hilary Clinton will be the first f president of the united states....

i was gonna say female but someone deleted the emale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxqb9/hilary_clinton_will_be_the_first_f_president_of/
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There was a priest who was "selling forgiveness"..

A woman comes through and tells him that she had sex 5 times. She asks for forgiveness and gives him five dollars. Another woman comes. She pays him 6 dollars because she had sex 6 times. The priest suddenly has something to do and notices a man behind him who had been watching, so the priest asks the man to replace him while he is gone. When the priest finishes he comes back and notices the man having sex with a woman in the church, and begins yelling at the man. The man says, "Sorry, Father! She had a ten dollar bill and I had no change!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxpn5/there_was_a_priest_who_was_selling_forgiveness/
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A man goes to see an optometrist. The doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating.

The guy says, "Why? Am I going blind?" The doctor says, "No, you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxnf9/a_man_goes_to_see_an_optometrist_the_doctor_says/
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A man in Victorian clothes just appeared out of thin air and handed me a fistful of herbs.

I think he might be a Thyme traveller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxn63/a_man_in_victorian_clothes_just_appeared_out_of/
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Husband takes the wife to a disco...

There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says:
*"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."*
Husband says:
*"Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxmyf/husband_takes_the_wife_to_a_disco/
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A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear-view mirror pulls to the side of the road...

After coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."
Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80."
(The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You've known about that tail light for weeks."
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Officer, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You never wear your seat belt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer looks at the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No, officer. Only when he's drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxlmm/a_man_seeing_flashing_red_and_blue_lights_in_his/
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No matter who wins the election they are going to have a build a wall on the southern border

of Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxl92/no_matter_who_wins_the_election_they_are_going_to/
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An elderly couple were at home

watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxiwj/an_elderly_couple_were_at_home/
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxfzb/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders

, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxbwt/a_lawyer_is_standing_in_a_long_line_at_the_box/
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My mom bought me tin soldiers but I lost all the generals and smashed the lieutenants and sergeants

Now I just play with my privates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uxa8c/my_mom_bought_me_tin_soldiers_but_i_lost_all_the/
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A guy walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to another guy.
The first guy says, "That's a familiar accent you got there, where ya from?"
The other guy says "I'm Irish".
First guy says "I'm Irish too! Where did you live in Ireland?"
The second guy says "Dublin".
First guy:"Me too! When did you graduate?"
SG:"1978. What about you?"
FG:"I graduated in '78 too. Where'd you go to school?"
SG:"Saint Mary's. and you?"
FG"I went to Saint Mary's too!"
About that time, a new person walks into the bar. says to the bartender, "What's goin on?"
The bartender says, "oh nothing much, the O'Reilly brothers are drunk again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ux9gr/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man came up to my cash register.

He put a gun to my head and shouted, "Don't do anything smart."
"O-o-ok." I stuttered.
He said, "Open the cash register!"
I said, "I don't know how to."
He said, "Don't be stupid."
I said, "Fucking hell, make your mind up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ux8wv/a_man_came_up_to_my_cash_register/
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I work at a women's shoe store

Sometimes I tie the laces together...
Bitches be trippin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ux8bu/i_work_at_a_womens_shoe_store/
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Archery Competition

Three archers decide to participate in a tournament where each of them has to shoot an apple that is standing on top of a volunteer's head.
The first archer shoots his arrow and it hits dead center on the apple; filled with confidence, he turns to the crowd and says:
"I'm William Tell!"
The second also hits the apple dead center, and says:
"I'm Robin Hood!"
The third archer is not so lucky, and the arrow goes through the volunteer's head. The archer turns to the crowd and says:
"I'm sorry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ux6zr/archery_competition/
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I hope you don't like self-deprecating humor. I'm terrible at it.

^ Came up with this while trying to think of witty opening lines for tinder. It didn't make the cut. Thought Reddit might like it though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ux5r3/i_hope_you_dont_like_selfdeprecating_humor_im/
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Hillary Clinton doesn't suck

That's why Bill cheated on her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ux520/hillary_clinton_doesnt_suck/
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my wife laughed at me when i told her i was going to make a car out of spaghetti

She wasn't laughing when i drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ux4w9/my_wife_laughed_at_me_when_i_told_her_i_was_going/
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A blonde says to her husband:

"Answer this question truthfully, and with only yes or no"
"Why do you think all blondes are stupid?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ux3vr/a_blonde_says_to_her_husband/
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How many Suh Dudes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It's already lit fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ux2co/how_many_suh_dudes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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My penis was on the Gunness book of world records...

... Until I got kicked out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ux252/my_penis_was_on_the_gunness_book_of_world_records/
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Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?

Because there's a Target around every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ux0l5/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_iraq/
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A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.

So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes £2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwzsx/a_professor_told_dirty_jokes_in_class_and_the/
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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwxze/it_was_george_the_mailmans_last_day_on_the_job/
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Policie arrested 2 kids yesterday.

One was drinking battery acid and the other one was eating fireworks. One kid was charged, but the other one took off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwxxn/policie_arrested_2_kids_yesterday/
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I'm not saying I'm a bad cook.

But how long does pasta stay in the toaster?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwxcm/im_not_saying_im_a_bad_cook/
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A teacher was teaching her 2nd grade class about the government...

So for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of crap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwws4/a_teacher_was_teaching_her_2nd_grade_class_about/
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My dad said something earlier that gave me chills.

He said, "I'm turning off the heating."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uww2i/my_dad_said_something_earlier_that_gave_me_chills/
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A son Whale asks a father Whale "Where did I come from?"

The father Whale replies "From my penis"
The son Whale says "Oh....thanks"
Father Whale says "You're Whalecum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwvvc/a_son_whale_asks_a_father_whale_where_did_i_come/
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What is the easiest way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwvuq/what_is_the_easiest_way_to_get_chewing_gum_out_of/
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I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs.

I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwuzr/i_didnt_think_my_doctor_could_fix_my_bowed_legs/
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A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah

when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite
side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled
to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwu8d/a_marine_squad_was_marching_north_of_fallujah/
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Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

............. "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwt9t/forgive_me_father_for_i_have_sinned/
%
A teacher calls her first grade class

from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwrvp/a_teacher_calls_her_first_grade_class/
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A missionary came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India.

I said sure,  but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwpwf/a_missionary_came_to_my_door_asking_if_i_could/
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A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road.

He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.
Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!
The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't  know, can't fuckin' catch 'em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwm3r/a_man_was_driving_along_a_rural_road_one_day_when/
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I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwls2/i_only_believe_in_125_of_everything_the_bible_says/
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My high school assignment

was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwlcu/my_high_school_assignment/
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Dont Use Your Dirty Mind

**What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwg7j/dont_use_your_dirty_mind/
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"Mom, i'm in the hospital."

"Jeremy, you have been a doctor for 8 years now please stop starting every phone conversation with that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwfc3/mom_im_in_the_hospital/
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Did you hear the one about a pony with a cough?

It was a little horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwdmy/did_you_hear_the_one_about_a_pony_with_a_cough/
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My first workout back at the gym was great.

I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwcz3/my_first_workout_back_at_the_gym_was_great/
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Did you hear about the guy who robbed blind people?

Nobody saw it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwcyq/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_robbed_blind_people/
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwc15/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
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What's the result of tossing a live grenade into a French kitchen?

Linoleum blown apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uw9zd/whats_the_result_of_tossing_a_live_grenade_into_a/
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If you're easily offended, the FDA just approved a new drug.

Ask your doctor if Growacet is right for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uw860/if_youre_easily_offended_the_fda_just_approved_a/
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So a penguin is driving down the road...

...and he's going through a very small town in the middle of nowhere when his car starts making a lot of weird noises. He decides to swing by a mechanic's shop and explains to the mechanic that his car keeps making really strange noises and asks him if he can figure out what the problem is.
"Yeah I can get it figured out," says the mechanic, "but I'll need a little while to figure it out."
So the penguin looks around at the other little shops nearby and he notices that there's an ice cream parlor across the street. The penguin is delighted, because he loves ice cream, and waddles across the street. While browsing over the flavors he spots his favorite, French Vanilla! He orders the tallest cone he can get and digs in.
After an hour or so the penguin heads back over to the mechanic's shop and asks the mechanic what the problem was.
The mechanic replies, "Well it looks like you blew a seal."
To which the penguin laughingly replies, "Oh no no no, that's ice cream on my face!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uw62k/so_a_penguin_is_driving_down_the_road/
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A husband and wife have four sons.

The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes. The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uw42g/a_husband_and_wife_have_four_sons/
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What did the male telescope say to the hot female telescope?

HUBBLE HUBBLE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uw38b/what_did_the_male_telescope_say_to_the_hot_female/
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A gymnast walks into a bar.

She is promptly deducted five points

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uw2p9/a_gymnast_walks_into_a_bar/
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A boy and his Grandpa

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies,
"I know. That's from your grandma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uw2n2/a_boy_and_his_grandpa/
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A donkey falls into a bowl of sugar...

Now, that's a sweet ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uw1im/a_donkey_falls_into_a_bowl_of_sugar/
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In answer to the question "would you have sex with bill Clinton" 87 percent of Americans responded

No. Not again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uw00k/in_answer_to_the_question_would_you_have_sex_with/
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A woman noticed her husband

standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvxmx/a_woman_noticed_her_husband/
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How are Clinton scandals like Pokémon?

You'll never catch 'em all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvxkm/how_are_clinton_scandals_like_pokémon/
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Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin...

It might taste the same but that shit just ain't right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvwt7/drinking_nonalcoholic_beer_is_like_going_down_on/
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Olympics Ticket

To whoever might interest, a friend of mine bought a ticket for the Olympics football finals, but he didn't realize the date was the same as his upcoming marriage.
If any of you wants to take his place, with everything already paid, the marriage takes place at the Catholic Church and the bride's name is Joanna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvwp2/olympics_ticket/
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My recipe for vodka-flavoured brats never caught on.

It was the Absolut wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvvoe/my_recipe_for_vodkaflavoured_brats_never_caught_on/
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Two boys go on a visit to the zoo.

After wandering around looking at all the different animals, they finally make their way to the gorilla exhibit. One boy looks to the other, says "Watch this," and sticks his fingers in his ears and looks at the gorilla. To his friend's astonishment, the gorilla copies him. He then opens his eyes wide and flares his nostrils. Again, the gorilla copies him. Amazed, his friend turns to the gorilla and sticks out his tongue.
The gorilla goes apeshit. It bursts out of the cage, grabs the boy, and violently slams him into the pavement before placidly returning to its cage. As the boy is rushed to the hospital, his friend asks the zookeeper what caused the gorilla to attack.
"Well, he stuck out his tongue," replied the zookeeper. "That's like flipping someone off in gorilla language."
Months later, after being discharged from the hospital, the boy decided he wanted revenge. He went home, got his baby brother's soft toy hammer and a real hammer, and broke into the zoo. He returned to the now-repaired gorilla exhibit and found the same gorilla.
The boy stuck his fingers in his ears and looked at the gorilla. The gorilla copied him. The boy bulged out his eyes and flared his nostrils. The gorilla did the same. Smiling, the boy tossed the hammer into the cage. He then pulled out the soft toy hammer and hit himself in the head with it. The gorilla paused, looked at the hammer, looked at the boy, and stuck out its tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvtq0/two_boys_go_on_a_visit_to_the_zoo/
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The Clinton's pet parrot

The Clinton family purchased a pet parrot while living in the White House. The parrot was beloved by the entire family.  One weekend while the Clintons were at Camp David, the parrot escaped.  The Secret Service panicked, and knew that they had to find the parrot before the Clintons got home.  When they couldn't find it, they decided to go to a pet store to buy a replacement.  So they go to the pet store and see a parrot that looks just like the Clinton's.  A Secret Service agent asks the pet store owner how much the parrot will cost, and the owner tells them "You don't want this parrot, we rescued him from a whore house and he has a horrible mouth!"  The Secret Service agent, knowing that the Clintons returned that day, and having no other option, buys the parrot.
The Clintons return home and all rush to see their beloved parrot.  Chelsea runs into the room to see the parrot, and the parrot says "hey honey, you'll make me a lot of money."  Hillary walks in, and the parrot says "woof you won't make me a dime." Bill walks in, and the parrot says "Hey Bill!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvsto/the_clintons_pet_parrot/
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A man goes to see a doctor...

A man goes to see a doctor. He walks up to the sign in desk and tells the lady behind the desk he needs to see the doctor because he's invisible. The lady goes to get the doctor and says, "There is a man here who wants to see you. He says he is invisible." The doctor says to the lady, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvrxu/a_man_goes_to_see_a_doctor/
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And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life..

.. but John came fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvqo8/and_god_said_to_john_come_forth_and_you_shall_be/
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A reporter goes to make a documentary in a small village in siberia

So a reporter goes to a small village in siberia to make a documentary about it. So he interviews the oldest man in town and asks him to tell him a story that happened in the village. So the old man goes : "Well, there was this one time Vladimir's goat got lost in the woods. So all the villagers gathered up, and we agreed to search for it. We searched all day, and finally the goat was found. Everybody was happy, so we did a big feast, we ate a lot, and we all fucked the goat in turns". The journalist is shocked and disgusted, but he figures it must be some tradition, so he just politely asks for another story. Again the old man goes : "Well, there was this one time Vladimir's daughter got lost in the woods. So the villagers gathered up, we went to search for her, and when we found her we did a big feast, ate a lot, and we fucked her in turns". This time the journalist is truly shocked so he says : "No listen, that won't do. I need something different, I don't know, don't you have a sad story for example ?". So the old man thinks for a bit then says "Well, there was this one time I got lost in te woods..."
Edit : telling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvopu/a_reporter_goes_to_make_a_documentary_in_a_small/
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down.

Bartender asks: "What can I get you?"
Guy says: "Jack and coke"
Bartender nods, goes under the bar, gets up, and puts an apple on the bar. The guy says, "I ordered a Jack and coke, what the hell is this." Bartender says "Just try it." The guy takes a bite and says to the bartender: "Holy shit this tastes just like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says "Turn it around." Guy turns the apple around, takes another bite and says "Holy shit this tastes just like coke!"
Another guy comes into the bar, sits near the first guy.
Bartender asks: "What can I get you?"
Guy says: "Vodka tonic."
Bartender nods, goes under the bar, pulls out an apple, and places it on the bar. The guy says "What the hell is this?" Bartender says, "Just try it." The guys does and exclaims "This tastes just like tonic!" The bartender says "Turn it around." The guy does and says "Wow! This tastes like vodka!"
A third guy walks into the bar and sits down. The other two guys say: "This bartender has magic apples that taste like whatever you want! Seriously order ANYTHING and he'll give you an apple that tastes like it!"
The guy says to the bartender: "Okay then, I want an apple that tastes like pussy."
The bartender nods, goes under the bar, takes out an apple, and places an apple on the bar. The guy picks it up, takes a bite and immediately spits it out.
The guys says: "This is disgusting! This tastes like ass!!"
The bartender says: "Turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvkem/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sits_down/
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Oh, no! I only have fish eggs for dinner again!

Roe is me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvhjd/oh_no_i_only_have_fish_eggs_for_dinner_again/
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A lawyer, laying on his deathbed..

... in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible.
Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.
As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right.
Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?"
"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvg3v/a_lawyer_laying_on_his_deathbed/
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A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvdxp/a_60_years_old_billionaire_marries_a_hot_25_year/
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A backpacker is in the Scottish Highlands, when he comes upon a bar in a seaside village.

He decides to go into the bar. There is one other person there, an old, burly man.
"Yer see this bar here? I built this bar with my bare hands, chopped the finest wood in the county, with the finest nails, but do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No."
*points out the window*
"Yer see that wall over there? I built that wall with my bare hands, found the finest stones and laid them with care, but do they call me McGregor the wall builder? No."
*points out other window*
"Yer see that lighthouse there? I painted and built that lighthouse, used the finest paint in the village, and found the finest whale blubber to burn in the lamp, but do you think they call me McGregor the lighthouse builder? No."
*looks at the wide-eyed backpacker*
"But yer fuck one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uv9vx/a_backpacker_is_in_the_scottish_highlands_when_he/
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A man marries a totally innocent woman, a real pure virgin.

On their wedding night he starts fucking her slowly. She is bewildered but happily surprised and asks her new husband: what's this? The husband says: this is called 'fucking'. The wife says: wow, fucking is nice. The husband replies: of course, fucking is very nice. It's awesome. A few months later the door knocks and the woman opens the door. It was an associate of her husband asking for him so she invites him in. As they wait in the living room she turns to the man and says: do you like fucking? The man could not believe what he hears so he pretends not to have heard her. So, she reiterates: I asked you if you enjoy fucking. Well, do you? The guy thinks 'well, what the hell. She's good looking and she wants it so I'll just give it to her' and so says: yeaaaah, I love fucking. I adore fucking. The woman then replies: well, wait here five minutes. My husband will come and fuck you real good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uv24j/a_man_marries_a_totally_innocent_woman_a_real/
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Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop...

A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says.
The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uuy02/two_blondes_are_waiting_at_a_bus_stop/
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If 'we are what we eat'!

Then I'm a huge dick you guys. I'm really sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uursp/if_we_are_what_we_eat/
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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they are both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uurb3/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
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What N word do you not want to call a black man?

Neighbor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uur2n/what_n_word_do_you_not_want_to_call_a_black_man/
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"Is your refrigerator running?"

"Yes."
"Good, mine too. See you at the refrigerator race tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uumq0/is_your_refrigerator_running/
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Eating a Clock

I tried eating a clock once, I wouldn't do it again. It was very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uule1/eating_a_clock/
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The police station installed "Safe Spots" for Craigslist sales...

Which is great because I always met in a park under a tree but it always seemed so shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uuj6n/the_police_station_installed_safe_spots_for/
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What's worse than a plastic bag filled with dead babies?

Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uud1u/whats_worse_than_a_plastic_bag_filled_with_dead/
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Get into heaven on a bad day

A man comes home early from work only to find his wife's clothes scattered across the living room along with someone else's.  In a fury he rushes to the bedroom to see his wife laying in bed naked begging him to calm down.
The man in a furious rage ignores his wife trying to find the man who had banged his wife.  He goes to the balcony and finds a man hanging from the edge 6 stories up completely naked.  The naked man pleads with him to pull him up but the husband forces the man's hands free causing him to fall.
Miraculously the naked man's fall was cushioned by the bushes below only giving him a few scraps.  In a blind rage the husband runs back into the room and grabs a large trunk and tosses it over the balcony where it proceeds to fall on the man below killing him.  Right after the husband tosses the trunk over the balcony he dies from a heart attack from all the strain.
In Heaven, Peter greets new arrivals.  The husband walks up to him and tells him about the incident and begs Peter to show forgiveness and let him in.  Peter smiles at the man and tells him that if a person dies while having a really bad day then they are allowed immediate access to heaven.  The husband enters into the pearly gates behind him.
Next in line the naked man steps up.  Peter laughs and asks what happened to him.  The man told Peter "You won't believe this, I was practicing naked yoga on my balcony on the 9th floor of the apartments I live in when I slipped and fell off the edge.  Thankfully I grabbed the sixth floors balcony edge on the way down trying to save myself.  Suddenly a man in a furious rage came outside and threw me off his balcony.  If it wasn't for the bushes below I would have died for sure but again I was saved.  I guess the guy didn't like that so he threw a huge trunk at me and here I am."  Peter laughed and told him to go on in.
A third man walked up to Peter and told him "Man I was having a great day, started banging this really hot chick I met at the bar and then suddenly she tells me to hide in her trunk.  I panicked and did as she asked but next thing I know it felt as if I was falling and I woke up here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uud0g/get_into_heaven_on_a_bad_day/
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I have a really good joke about pussy

... but redditors don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uub39/i_have_a_really_good_joke_about_pussy/
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Guy gets on a city bus...

and sits down next to a really hot girl. The bus bumps and her glass eyes falls out of its socket and the guy catches it. To repay him for catching her eye and due to the awkwardness she invites him to dinner and a movie and after that they went back to the guys house and had great sex! In the morning the guy looks at the girl and asks: "Do you usually hang out and have sex with random strangers"? She replies: "No, You just happened to catch my eye"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uu8v3/guy_gets_on_a_city_bus/
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What's comforting and scary at the same time?

A warm toilet seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uu8mv/whats_comforting_and_scary_at_the_same_time/
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I told my accountant my favorite letter is W

He said his favorite letter is W-2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uu7zq/i_told_my_accountant_my_favorite_letter_is_w/
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Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere! :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uu4n1/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_after_they_die/
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Saying 'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' mean the same thing..

.. except when at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uu4m2/saying_im_sorry_and_i_apologise_mean_the_same/
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so what if I can't spell Armageddon..

.. it's not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uu4g9/so_what_if_i_cant_spell_armageddon/
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What is the hardest part about being a pedophile?

Trying to fit in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uu3pe/what_is_the_hardest_part_about_being_a_pedophile/
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What's better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uu32e/whats_better_than_eating_a_mandarin/
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Why do some blondes have bruised belly buttons?

Because there are blond guys too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uu26h/why_do_some_blondes_have_bruised_belly_buttons/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walking....
Jk Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uu0to/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
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What was Hitler's least favourite month?

Jew-ne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4utw3i/what_was_hitlers_least_favourite_month/
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Woman: Come over

.
Man: I am coming over.
Woman: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4utu5h/woman_come_over/
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What do you call a mean dust storm?

Darude - Sandstorm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4utt7d/what_do_you_call_a_mean_dust_storm/
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Two Italian men are talking loudly on a bus

One is telling the other one, "First Emma come. Then I come. Then two asses, they come together. Then I come again. Then the two asses, they come again. Then I peepee. Then I come one last time."
An old lady sitting next to them turns and exclaims, "Excuse me, but nobody else on this bus wants to hear about your disgusting sexual depravity!"
The Italian man says to her, "Scusi lady, I am teaching my friend how to spell 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4utqbs/two_italian_men_are_talking_loudly_on_a_bus/
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Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening...

One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him,
"Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!"
He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking.
This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them,
"So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4utloj/bill_clinton_likes_to_go_for_a_walk_every/
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What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach?

Flop-Flops :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4utl0q/what_does_a_guy_with_2_right_feet_wear_to_the/
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[NSFW] What does a condom and a wife have in common?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4utitq/nsfw_what_does_a_condom_and_a_wife_have_in_common/
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My sister asked me to take off her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes."
I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
And so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4utinz/my_sister_asked_me_to_take_off_her_clothes/
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When does money fall from the sky?

When there is a change in weather
Forgive me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uthqu/when_does_money_fall_from_the_sky/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4utheg/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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Why was the cannibal sad at dinner?

Because he got the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4utf1u/why_was_the_cannibal_sad_at_dinner/
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Why do Cows have Hooves instead of Feet?

Because they Lac-Tose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4utby0/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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What do a dildo and tofu have in common?

They are both meat substitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ut9wl/what_do_a_dildo_and_tofu_have_in_common/
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Best Friends (NSFW-language)

My wife and I have been married a long time. And like many long-term marriages, ours had lost its spark. But lately things had gotten really bad. I don't know what started it - a minor insult, a careless remark, years of buried frustrations, the general malaise that creeps into a marriage when priority is given to kids and careers. Whatever it was, things were bad. We had not made love in months, nor gone on a date. We barely talked anymore. I was desperate but didn't know what to say or what to do. I was afraid we were near the end.
So yesterday when she got home from work, I asked her to join me on the sofa.
"You know how we always said that we were not just husband and wife, but we're best friends?"
"Yes."
"And how we said that the best friends part of us should always be able to talk, even if the husband and wife part of us were struggling?"
"Yes."
I could see her face soften a bit.
"Well, I just really need to talk to my best friend right now."
Her lip quivered a bit and she drew a deep breath. "Okay, let's talk."
I sighed. "Thanks... My wife is being SUCH a cunt these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ut6vw/best_friends_nsfwlanguage/
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clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop

Amish drive-by shooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ut187/clip_clop_clip_clop_clip_clop_bang_clip_clop_clip/
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Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered six-offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ut0jg/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
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How does a Jew make his coffee?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4usver/how_does_a_jew_make_his_coffee/
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A girl saw a guy scratching his testicles in public.

Girl : how can you scratch your private parts in public? I can never dare to do any such thing.
Guy : That's because you don't have the balls to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4usoid/a_girl_saw_a_guy_scratching_his_testicles_in/
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I really love the way the earth rotates...

It makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4usn2y/i_really_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
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DOUBLE VODKAS

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4usms3/double_vodkas/
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My wife is my sex object

Everytime i ask for sex, she object.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4usk59/my_wife_is_my_sex_object/
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How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?

You pull down its genes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4usgrf/how_do_you_tell_a_male_chromosome_from_a_female/
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Happy Fourth of July Guys!

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4usg9x/happy_fourth_of_july_guys/
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I'm dyslexic, atheist and an insomniac...

I stay up all night wondering if there *really* is a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4usg3w/im_dyslexic_atheist_and_an_insomniac/
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A man was having some stomach pains...

A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor looked him over and declared, "Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring... a banana."
The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over, whereupon the doctor... introduces the banana into the man's system. The man is shocked.
The doctor says, "Excellent job. Now please come back in three days with another banana." The man trusts his doctor, so in three days he returns with another banana.
The doctor again asks the man to remove his pants and again he... introduces the banana... into the man's system. The man is extremely confused, but his stomach pains aren't as bad anymore so he will continue to follow his doctor's orders.
The doctor says, "Great job. Now please come back in three days with... a hammer."
The man returns with a hammer three days later. He is extremely confused, but upon seeing the doctor he receives his instructions. "Please take off your pants and lie on your side on the examination table," says the doctor. The man lays there for a few minutes with his rear end bare. The doctor breathlessly grips the hammer and waits.
The tapeworm pops out of the man's butthole, looks at the doctor and says "Hey where the fuck is my banana?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4usdrh/a_man_was_having_some_stomach_pains/
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my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names...

she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uscjr/my_wife_got_mad_at_me_after_picking_out_baby_names/
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My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body.

Now 207. 206. 207. 206.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4usbo9/my_girlfriend_has_206_bones_in_her_body/
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Best yo momma joke?

Your momma so ugly when she plays Mortal Kombat Scorpion says "stay over there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4us9ju/best_yo_momma_joke/
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How do you know that the Invisible Man doesn't have any children?

Because he's not apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4us8wb/how_do_you_know_that_the_invisible_man_doesnt/
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What do a silver medalist and a child molester have in common?

They both came in a little behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4us6sv/what_do_a_silver_medalist_and_a_child_molester/
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I was an alcoholic for seven years.

Today marks my eighth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4us3hc/i_was_an_alcoholic_for_seven_years/
%
My car horn hasn't worked for a long time.

Today, a Boy Scout fixed it and all he said was, "Beep repaired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4us2x8/my_car_horn_hasnt_worked_for_a_long_time/
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A blonde woman was speeding

down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4us29q/a_blonde_woman_was_speeding/
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Sarah and Jack

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sits in his office and watches them work.
Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.
Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urtmc/sarah_and_jack/
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What did the gardener say to the man in the grass shoes?

WATER THOOOOSE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urt2s/what_did_the_gardener_say_to_the_man_in_the_grass/
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Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping

One night Holmes and Watson decide to go camping. They set up their tent and fall asleep. After hearing a noise in the middle of the night they both wake up.
Holmes points up and asks Watson what he is able to deduce. Watson looks at the sky at sees thousands of stars. Watson says "Given the amount of stars in the universe and the amount of planets that orbit around them, there must be other life in the universe. "
Holmes sighs and says "No you idiot, someone stole our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urt0i/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_go_camping/
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A man walks into a bar

and really needs to shit, he asks the bartender to use the bathroom and is given directions. He walks in and sees a regular toilet and a gorgeous golden one. So the man plops down on the golden one and has the most glorious shit he's ever had.
The next day he goes into the same bar and does it again, this shit being better than the last. The third day he goes in and there's only the plain white toilet. He walks out and asks the bartender where the gold toilet went. The bartender looks at him and then yells "hey Frank, I found the fucker that's been shitting in your tuba!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ursoh/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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If God were an engineer...

3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?"
The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sure!"
The Electrical Engineer: "No way. Electrical. Look at that brain! All the nerves, neurons, every little electrical impulse that ties it together! Must've been Electrical!
The Civil Engineer: Takes a sip of his drink. "Nope. I can say for a fact that the human body was designed by a Civil Engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreation area?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urslu/if_god_were_an_engineer/
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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urshc/a_marine_boarded_a_train_on_his_way_home_from/
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A father with three daughters

is sitting down for dinner when the first of his daughters asks, "dad why is my name Daisy?". The father replies, "because when you were born a daisy petal from the sky and landed on your head."
The second daughter asks, "dad why is my name Rose?" The father replies, "Well Rose, when you were a baby a rose petal fell from on high and landed on your head."
The third daughter asks, "bllaaarrarararraraaarg" and the father replies, "shut up, cinder-block"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urqkx/a_father_with_three_daughters/
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Hillary

Clinton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urpu8/hillary/
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A woman walks into a dry cleaners

and says "I've got another dress for you" The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, replies "come again?" The woman responds with "No this time its mayonnaise"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urpjw/a_woman_walks_into_a_dry_cleaners/
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I was told to do what I love

I went to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uror2/i_was_told_to_do_what_i_love/
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[long] Another blond guy joke...

Three best friends worked in construction together on the same crew.  They were working on the 20th floor of a building when they stopped for their lunch break.  They sat on the edge of the building, legs dangling over the edge, enjoying the view as they ate their lunches.
Guido opened his lunch box and yelled in frustration, "Pasta! Pasta! Every day it's pasta!  If I get pasta in my lunch tomorrow, I'm gonna jump!"
Jose then opened his lunch and exclaimed, "Tortillas!! Tortillas!  Every day it's tortillas!  If I get tortillas in my lunch tomorrow, I'm gonna jump, too!"
Then Bob (the blond) opened his lunch and said, "Bologna sandwich! Bologna sandwich!  Every day it's a bologna sandwich!  If I get a bologna sandwich in my lunch tomorrow, I'm jumping, too!"
The next day, they sit down on the edge of the building for lunch.
Guido opens his lunch box, sees pasta, and jumps to his death.
Jose opens his lunch box and sees tortillas and also jumps to his death.
Bob opens his, finds a bologna sandwich, and jumps to his death.
Since they were such close friends, their wives decide to have a joint funeral for them.
At the funeral, the wives are lamenting their loss.  Guido's wife says, "If only I'd known, I would have packed something other than pasta in his lunch!" And she cries in anguish.
Jose's wife says, "If only I'd known, I would have packed something other than tortillas in his lunch!"  And she cries hysterically.
Bob's wife just stands there, nodding her head.  The other two wives look at her incredulously at her lack of emotion.
"Don't look at me," Bob's wife said.  "He packed his own lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uri1i/long_another_blond_guy_joke/
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My boss called me.

"Why are you late?!" he asked angrily.
"I'm stuck behind a group of bikers." I replied.
He said, "Can't you just ask them to move over?"
"But they look tough," I replied, "And the barman hasn't served them yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urhme/my_boss_called_me/
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Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urg3l/chinese_takeout_1177_price_of_gas_to_get_there/
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My archaeologist friend has invited me to a party to celebrate finding an ancient man's leg.

It should be quite a shin-dig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urfu9/my_archaeologist_friend_has_invited_me_to_a_party/
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Why are tennis equipment factories so loud?

Because everyone's making a racket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urebu/why_are_tennis_equipment_factories_so_loud/
%
Rodeo sex

2 cowboys talking about sex.
1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position!"
"I haven't heard of that" says the other cowboy, "what is it?"
"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urdoq/rodeo_sex/
%
I got into a fight with my erection this morning.

I beat it single handedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urba0/i_got_into_a_fight_with_my_erection_this_morning/
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My wife and I have been seeing a counselor for our sex life, and things have really been improving.

We take turns on her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uramc/my_wife_and_i_have_been_seeing_a_counselor_for/
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I had a terrible nightmare last night that I ate a muffler.

Today, I'm so exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ur5yq/i_had_a_terrible_nightmare_last_night_that_i_ate/
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Short hair

I used to hate my short hair, but eventually, it grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ur4uo/short_hair/
%
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot...

...were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ur3od/three_men_a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an/
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A man and a woman have just finished celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary...

A man and a woman have just finished celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary and are heading up to bed for some twentieth anniversary maritals.
On the way up the stairs the woman glances at the pictures of their children and thinks about how much she loves her life. Once they get to the bedroom the man turns off the light and they get down to business.
Mid-coitus the woman realizes that in the twenty years she's been married (and the four they dated) she has never seen her husband fully naked. Perplexed by her realization, she uses a lull in the ploughing to turn the lamp on.
Click!
The man is wearing a strap-on dildo. The two freeze, sharing a strangely intimate moment of shock and confusion. Finally the man clears his throat.
"I'll explain the toy if you explain our kids."
Click!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ur1xu/a_man_and_a_woman_have_just_finished_celebrating/
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Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past.
She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"
The old man said, "but I won't be able to..."
Prostitute: "c'mon man.... give it a try... "
Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.
When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to...."
"...pay you" replied the old man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uqyb3/old_man_and_the_prostitute_nsfw/
%
How do you call a USB stick in Russia?

A put-in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uqt8d/how_do_you_call_a_usb_stick_in_russia/
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Two Newfie brothers, Bob and Tom, go to the unemployment office one day.

After hours of standing in line, Bob is called in to speak with a social worker.
The social worker asks him "What is your occupation?"
Bob replies "I'm a diesel fitter."
The social worker informs Bob that she just happens to know of a trucking company that is hiring for this position. He can start in one week and his salary is $40,000 per year.
Ecstatic, he runs out of her office and tells Tom that the social worker found him a great job that pays 40 grand a year.
Expecting the best. Tom speaks with the same social worker.
"What is your occupation?" she asks.
Tom says "I sew ladies panties for a living."
She tells him, "Tom, I have to tell you that you don't have a high-demand job. The best I can do is send you to a tailor across town who's looking for an apprentice. He'll pay
you minimum wage and you can probably start in 2 months."
Tom looks at her, very confused and says
"How is that possible?? My brudder Bob who worked with me for years was just here before me. You hooked him up with a job that pays $40,000 a year and you're telling me that I have to settle for minimum wage??!!!"
"Of course," she says. "Bob is a diesel fitter."
Tom says, "I know! I sew up the panties and Bob pulls them over his head and says, "Yup. Deese'll fitt'er!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uqrcn/two_newfie_brothers_bob_and_tom_go_to_the/
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If I had a dollar for every gender that there is...

If I had a dollar for every gender that there is, I'd have 2 dollars.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uqr8s/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_gender_that_there_is/
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A Newfie walks into a Toronto pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No" he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Newfie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies
"Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Newfie taps his watch and says,
"Damn thing's an hour fast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uqq59/a_newfie_walks_into_a_toronto_pub_and_takes_a/
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I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and try to pass them off as my own.

I still do, but I used to too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uqk4g/i_used_to_steal_mitch_hedberg_jokes_and_try_to/
%
Hit my neighbor's cat last night

Quick little bastard, I had to cross two lanes to get him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uqhss/hit_my_neighbors_cat_last_night/
%
Two gay guys were travelling

on a plane. Let's call them Matt and Bob.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Matt.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Matt stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bob.
So Matt and Bob have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uqhe8/two_gay_guys_were_travelling/
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what do you call a slutty french fry?

a potat-hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uqe3a/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_french_fry/
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Three nuns are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat. The first two nuns each had a stroke.

The third nun couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uqa44/three_nuns_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench_when_a/
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Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night

I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uq8fk/michelle_obama_gave_a_great_speech_last_night/
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The Story of how God gave Adam a woman (Eve)

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This beautiful women will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam says, "Wow God, that sounds great! What does a woman like this cost?"
God replies, "Well Adam, it will cost you an arm and a leg.."
Adam contemplates the deal and says, "Gee, I don't know God.. That's a lot to give for a woman. What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uq6za/the_story_of_how_god_gave_adam_a_woman_eve/
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Little boy has diarrhea and tells his mom he needs viagra

Mom replies " What the hell for?"
Boy replies "Isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uq61z/little_boy_has_diarrhea_and_tells_his_mom_he/
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What is the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

One goes
**Whack**
"Shit!"
and the other goes
"Shit!"
**Whack**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uq5s8/what_is_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
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What do you call a drunk muslim woman?

Stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uq47b/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_muslim_woman/
%
give a man a jacket

He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uq2f4/give_a_man_a_jacket/
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A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father

“Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?”
The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?”
“Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uq2dl/a_black_jewish_boy_runs_home_from_school_one_day/
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America's favorite psychic Ms Cleo passed away

No one saw this coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uq00m/americas_favorite_psychic_ms_cleo_passed_away/
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Before I got divorced, I should have converted all my assets to jokes.

Because my ex couldn't ever take one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4upx9f/before_i_got_divorced_i_should_have_converted_all/
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Why is Jesus black?

Because he's our father, and still hasn't come back yet....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4upwr2/why_is_jesus_black/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4upwc9/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
A prisoner who's great at gardening receives a letter from his wife...

"Dear Husband,
I want to plant lettuce in our backyard
garden. What is the best time of year to plant it?"
Knowing the prison guards monitor all mail, he writes back...
"Do not touch the garden. That is where I buried our life savings. See you next visit."
The wife writes back...
"Yesterday I got back from the store and the garden had been dug up! How much money was there?"
The husband writes back one last time...
"None. *Now* is the best time to plant lettuce."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uptf8/a_prisoner_whos_great_at_gardening_receives_a/
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A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.

The guy asks, "What's in the box?"
The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."
The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?"
The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.
"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."
The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.
"Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands.
"South American Blow Job Toad."
"So?" asks the wife.
"So, teach it to cook and get the fuck out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4upsgt/a_young_guy_walks_into_a_bar_an_old_drunk_sits/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4upsc0/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
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A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing

The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!"
"Why?" says his wife, a little surprised
"Because it's holding me back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4upqjx/a_pirates_wife_asks_him_what_body_part_hed_be/
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My mate sold me a guitar for £5...

No strings attached

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4upq04/my_mate_sold_me_a_guitar_for_5/
%
Playing Golf

So, I got home late after a round of golf. My wife was waiting for me, and boy, she was pissed.
"Where were you?!" she demanded to know.
"Well," I sighed, "I was out playing a round of golf with Fred from HR, and he had a heart attack on the 10th hole."
"That's terrible!" she exclaimed, her eyes widening in shock.
"Yeah," I said. "The rest of the time it was 'Hit the ball. Drag Fred. Hit the ball. Drag Fred...'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uplfl/playing_golf/
%
A man wakes up in a dingy slum,

with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uplec/a_man_wakes_up_in_a_dingy_slum/
%
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4upkfo/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
%
The meaning of life....

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uph63/the_meaning_of_life/
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Say "Unreliable Airline" three times fast.

Delta
Delta
Delta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4updqb/say_unreliable_airline_three_times_fast/
%
American political party symbols are spot on...

Trump is the elephant in the room, and the DNC is full of jackasses!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4upaoa/american_political_party_symbols_are_spot_on/
%
What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion?

A corpse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4upa3p/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_woman_with_an_opinion/
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$100 Bill Tattoo

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4up3ow/100_bill_tattoo/
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Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the others relies on tales...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4up3c4/atheism_and_religion_are_but_two_sides_of_the/
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The Inmate on Death Row

An inmate is on death row, waiting to be executed. The guard comes to his cell and asks him what his last request is.
"Since, I don't particularly have a favorite food, I'm going to request singing a song instead, one time, and without interruptions," the inmate replied. "This song was one my dad taught me when I was a young child."
The guard nodded, and allowed him to sing his song.
The inmate takes a shaky breath and starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4up0hp/the_inmate_on_death_row/
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What's the difference between a joke and a religion?

Jokes are rarely offered as an excuse for civilised people to kill other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uouv0/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_a_religion/
%
What's the definition of endless love?

Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uosu1/whats_the_definition_of_endless_love/
%
An english boat is sinking near the German coast

The english operator contacts the German control. "This is UK120, We are sinking, I repeat, We are sinking".
The germans respond: "What are you sinking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uorz5/an_english_boat_is_sinking_near_the_german_coast/
%
A guy needs to take a dump at a music festival.

He finds an unlocked outhouse but upon opening the door sees a guy crumpling up dollar bills and dropping them in.
"Dude, what are you doing?" says the would-be music festival dumper.
"Oh, I accidentally dropped a quarter down there." money-dropper responds.
"So why are you throwing dollar bills after it?"
"Shit, bro, I ain't going down there for a fucking quarter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uoinu/a_guy_needs_to_take_a_dump_at_a_music_festival/
%
I wanted to make a joke about quantum physics, but I wasn't sure if I should.

So I did and didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uogbh/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_quantum_physics_but/
%
I just got my first grey hair.

This is the last time I let grandma cook dinner for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uof3c/i_just_got_my_first_grey_hair/
%
So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uoev2/so_my_mom_got_me_a_box_of_tin_soldiers/
%
What do somolian pirates use as weapons?

Arrrrpg's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uoczr/what_do_somolian_pirates_use_as_weapons/
%
There's a boy named Bonnie...

There's a boy named Bonnie.
He's made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he's become very shy.
But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.
She says yes, and he's so happy.
After years of dating, he works up the courage to ask her to marry him.
She says yes, and he's so happy.
When their first child is born, a girl, he lets the wife name her, because he still feels so lucky and fortunate just to be with her.
The wife names the baby "Love".
Love grows up and now she starts to be made fun of because of her weird name.
She comes home from school one day screaming at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
He takes blame, wanting to protect his wife, and apologizes.
Love says he ruined her life.
She shoots him and runs away.
Finally the wife comes home, sees Bonnie lying on the ground, screams and runs to him.
"Bonnie! What happened?!"
He becons her to come closer, and he whispers in her ear: *"Shot through the heart. And you're to blame. Darling you gave Love a bad name."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uoczj/theres_a_boy_named_bonnie/
%
I've been trying to sell my child to any house that will take her.

I'm a daughter door salesman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uocet/ive_been_trying_to_sell_my_child_to_any_house/
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I try so hard not to upset my vegan girlfriend.

I'm constantly treading on eggshells.
Which she also doesn't approve of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uobx5/i_try_so_hard_not_to_upset_my_vegan_girlfriend/
%
I don't understand Facebook.

If I wanted to convince complete strangers that my life was better than theirs I'd become a rapper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uobk2/i_dont_understand_facebook/
%
A man wakes up from a five year coma...

Doctor: Sir you've been out for a long time and I'm afraid I have some terrible news.
Patient: Oh I don't mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uo5c4/a_man_wakes_up_from_a_five_year_coma/
%
Once there was a woman...

that had such a strong sexual drive that she couldn't find the right husband so she decided to have a contest of who can fuck her the hardest and make her orgasm.
3 people arrived. A black person, a white person and an Asian.
Both the black man and the white man looked at the Asian and laughed at him. "Ha, his little dick won't even be able to please the woman." They both thought.
"I'll go first!" Said the black man and he had absolute confidence that he can fuck her living daylights out.
After what seemed like hours he came out sweating like crazy. "It's way to fucking hard to make the woman orgasm." So he went and sat down towards the side, wanting the white and the Asian to fail so he can claim he has the best sex skills.
The white dude snickered, "Ha, blacks thinking dick size means everything, I will show her my romantic skills and get her to orgasm with just my foreplay!"
After a good while the white dude comes out sweating like a fountain as well, "Well fuck! That was the best foreplay and fucking I ever delivered but she didn't even flinch, she even looked bored!" So he went and sat next to the black dude waiting for the Asian to fail even more miserably.
The Asian dude went in without saying a word and after a few moments he came outside with the lady. "I choose him to be my husband!" The lady said. Both the black and the white dude were shocked that a mere Asian had beat them at having sex!
"I don't believe it! What is your secret Asian! TELL ME!" The black man roared.
"Oh it was really easy! My parents told me to always use my head!"
PS: No idea if it is a repost. A highschool teacher told me about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uo4lw/once_there_was_a_woman/
%
Three New Zealanders and three Australians are at a train station...

The Aussies notice that the Kiwis only bought 1 train ticket between the three of them.
"How exactly do you three plan on travelling with one ticket?" one asked.
"None of your business, mate" said one of the Kiwis.
Skeptical, the Aussies watched them as they boarded the train, to see the three of them walk into the toilet and shut the door.
The ticket collector came into the carriage and seeing the closed bathroom door, started knocking impatiently.
Out came a single hand holding the ticket. The Aussies watched, impressed, as he continued into the next carriage.
The very next morning, the three kiwi's noticed the Aussies had arrived first, and stood on the edge of the platform eagerly, with just one ticket.
"Thanks for the trick, mate!" sneered one of them.
"Happy to help mate! We thought of a new trick, we're going to get to work without even buying one ticket!"
The Aussies shook their heads in dismissal, hopped on the train, and immediately rushed into the toilet.
"Well, what are we going to do now" asked one of the other Kiwi's,
"Don't worry, just follow me" said the one who had spoken to the Aussies
He strolled on to the train, walked over to the closed bathroom door and started knocking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uo42d/three_new_zealanders_and_three_australians_are_at/
%
I was buying tickets with a friend at the cinema

Staff: "for the hobbit?"
Me.  : "no, she's my friend"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uo3tn/i_was_buying_tickets_with_a_friend_at_the_cinema/
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Blonde guy gets home from work...

Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.
"Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!"
He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him:
"Dad! Uncle Terry's upstairs! And he's naked!"
He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.
"WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uo1gr/blonde_guy_gets_home_from_work/
%
They named a paint color after my ex...

It's called *Whore Red*. It's not very bright, but its cheap and spreads easily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4unx4v/they_named_a_paint_color_after_my_ex/
%
How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4unr4h/how_do_you_know_the_japanese_mass_murderer_was_a/
%
A farmer counted up all of his cows and found that he had 196 of them

But when he rounded them up he had 200

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4unp6g/a_farmer_counted_up_all_of_his_cows_and_found/
%
My friend asked me how I got so good at guitar.

I told him I'm use to fingering minors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4unoxr/my_friend_asked_me_how_i_got_so_good_at_guitar/
%
Money makes every thing...

A girl missed her period 2 months ago,her mom
took her to the clinic for pregnancy test of which
it was positive.Embarrased, her mom said; who
is the pig that got you pregnant? The girl picked
up her phone and made a call, an hour later,a
young handsome man drove in Ferrari to the
girl's house. Good evening, the man greeted.
Your daughter told me the problem in the house.
I can't marry for now because of my family
issue, but I promise I will take care of her for the
rest of her life, and if she gives birth to a girl,I
promised to buy her a mansion, 2 jeeps and 1
million dollars. If it's a boy, I'll buy her houses in
a country side, 5 jeeps, 2 big factories and
5million dollars in her account. If it's twins, I'll do
anything...
she asked. But if there's miscarriage,
what do you suggest i do? The girls father
silently tap the young man on his shoulder and
said; my son, if there is miscarriage, you'll sleep
with her again.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4unnba/money_makes_every_thing/
%
Car or Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4unj3t/car_or_haircut/
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How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4unhy6/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Three guys decide to go to a ski lodge...

There isn't enough rooms so they end up having to share a bed. In the middle of the night the guy on the left wakes up and says "I just had a dream and in it I was getting a handjob!" The guy on the right gets up and says "Really? I had the exact same dream." Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says "That's weird, in my dream I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4undtt/three_guys_decide_to_go_to_a_ski_lodge/
%
I was arrested on my way to school today on suspicion of being a terrorist

Turns out I bombed the test

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4undkb/i_was_arrested_on_my_way_to_school_today_on/
%
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uncq6/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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Two lines for this poor wife...

A wife was sure that her husband was
having an affair with their
housegirl, so she laid a trap for
him. one evening she suddenly sent
the maid to her home 4 weekend
without infoming her husband. She
latter went on and slept on the
maid's bed and switched off the
lights. Suddenly,he came in and
silently he wasted no time on words
but quickly jumped on her and had sex
with her vigorously.When he
finished, wife said you didn'texpect
me in this bed, did u? & switched
the lights on. No madam replied
their gateman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4unc5c/two_lines_for_this_poor_wife/
%
What's the strongest color?

Super Cyan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4unc3z/whats_the_strongest_color/
%
Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.

I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4unapl/accidentally_pooped_my_pants_in_the_elevator/
%
What do you call a monkey with a stick of dynamite up his ass

A ba-boom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4un9ph/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_with_a_stick_of/
%
What do you call a belt made of watches?

A waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4un9i5/what_do_you_call_a_belt_made_of_watches/
%
I peed on the elevator.

That's wrong on SO many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4un350/i_peed_on_the_elevator/
%
Who is the funniest Disney princess?

Rapunzel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4un0lu/who_is_the_funniest_disney_princess/
%
Three nuns were sitting in the park..

when, all of a sudden, a man jumped out of the bushes, opened his trenchcoat and flashed them. Two of the nuns had a stroke, but the third one couldn't quite reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umxvc/three_nuns_were_sitting_in_the_park/
%
My friend told this great lumberjack joke the other day.

But no one was around to hear it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umwwk/my_friend_told_this_great_lumberjack_joke_the/
%
Have you guys heard my joke about elevators?

It's funny on multiple levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umwpi/have_you_guys_heard_my_joke_about_elevators/
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My friend gave me one last gift before he died.

It was his EpiPen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umw81/my_friend_gave_me_one_last_gift_before_he_died/
%
The other day I went to the zoo

All I saw was a dog.
It was a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umtyp/the_other_day_i_went_to_the_zoo/
%
What's a pedophile's favorite shoe?

White Vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umprj/whats_a_pedophiles_favorite_shoe/
%
Pokémon GO servers

Yeah, that's it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umpkn/pokémon_go_servers/
%
What do I need a girlfriend for?

When the Reddit servers are ready to go down on me anytime?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umpeo/what_do_i_need_a_girlfriend_for/
%
What are mixed feelings?

Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umpb5/what_are_mixed_feelings/
%
What's the heaviest soup?

One ton soup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umobg/whats_the_heaviest_soup/
%
It hurts every time!

During high-school health class, the topic of sex came up. Whilst discussing it, the teacher described it as, "the most pleasurable experience you will ever have".
After hearing this, a girl from the back of the class calls out, "You're lying! It hurts every time!"
Puzzled, the teacher finally clicks and asks, "You aren't devoutly religious, by any chance...?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ummjn/it_hurts_every_time/
%
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY..

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"
I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umhjj/why_i_fired_my_secretary/
%
A couple goes to marriage counseling

for one last effort to save their marriage.  The counselor asks what the main problem seems to be.
"We disagree on everything. We basically have nothing in common"
The counselors thinks for a second and says "Well this is easy enough. Let's find something that you both have in common."
The husband pipes up, "Well neither of us suck dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umgzv/a_couple_goes_to_marriage_counseling/
%
Why did the toy company stop donating toys to kids in Africa?

Because it's pretty depressing to have a Tamagotchi that'll out-live you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umgvx/why_did_the_toy_company_stop_donating_toys_to/
%
A woman approaches a monk and asks "how come if a man has sex with a lot of women he is a player, but if a woman has sex with a lot of men she is a slut?"

The monk looks the woman and says "a key that opens many locks is a master key, but a lock that gets opened by many of keys is a shitty lock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umf5e/a_woman_approaches_a_monk_and_asks_how_come_if_a/
%
What do baseball teams and muffins have in common?

They both rely on a good *batter*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umdbe/what_do_baseball_teams_and_muffins_have_in_common/
%
How do they play Pokemon Go in Gaza Strip?

They grab a round rock from the ground and say: "Pick-a-jew"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4umahw/how_do_they_play_pokemon_go_in_gaza_strip/
%
The problem with politics today...

Republicans treat people like dogs
and
Democrats treat dogs like people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4um9f0/the_problem_with_politics_today/
%
Having some romantic time with yo girl when she asks you to go deeper

But you run out of poems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4um8zm/having_some_romantic_time_with_yo_girl_when_she/
%
I was on a date.

"How many ladies have you slept with?" she said.
I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest 10?"
She raised her eyebrows and said, "OK..."
I said, "Zero."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4um4be/i_was_on_a_date/
%
My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.

"Where are you?" she moaned.
"I'm at the pub." I replied.
She said, "I think the baby's coming!"
I said, "Well, he won't get in. He's underage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4um2pl/my_wife_phoned_me_panting_and_breathless/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4um24a/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
%
A joke or a threat?

When I was about 17 or 18, I went hunting with my girlfriend's father and I ended up getting a young buck. I was describing the situation to him and I mentioned that the deer had come running from the other side of the field so I assumed something over there had spooked it. He replied "Or he could have been chasing a doe." Then he looks at me, no laugh, no smile, and says "See what chasing pu$$y can get you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4um1qi/a_joke_or_a_threat/
%
What gets higher with age?

Willie Nelson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uly2l/what_gets_higher_with_age/
%
I called the Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Turns out it's only for victims.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulwmi/i_called_the_rape_advice_line_earlier_today/
%
What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulwc9/what_does_bill_clinton_say_to_hillary_after_sex/
%
What did the ship say to the sexy ice-berg?

I'd hit that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulvgf/what_did_the_ship_say_to_the_sexy_iceberg/
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How do you know that toothpaste was invented in Arkansas?

Because if it were invented anywhere else, it'd be called teethpaste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uluff/how_do_you_know_that_toothpaste_was_invented_in/
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A king and his men were raiding a castle

After defeating the main force at the gates, they moved on throughout the castle taking out the remaining forces. Soon they came to a locked door in the corner of the castle. The king yelled in "Who's in there?". A voice replied, " I am just my master's unarmed Chef!" The king told him, " If you come out of there peacefully, My men will not kill you." The Chef replied, "How do I know you wont go back on your word and kill me?" The King yelled back in, "Because we haven't eaten lunch yet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulto8/a_king_and_his_men_were_raiding_a_castle/
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A woman is in the doctor's office...

She says, "Doctor, kiss me."
He replies "I'm sorry, you're beautiful, but I can't do that, it would be unprofessional, I could lose my practice."
A minute later, again she says "Doctor, please, please kiss me, you're so handsome, I'm so aroused and dying to be kissed by you."
He says "I'm sorry, I can't. I have a wife and children, I cannot betray their trust. I have to think of my family, I'm sorry."
Again she says, "Doctor, please, I'm begging you. Kiss me. Deeply, passionately, I need to feel your lips on mine."
"Listen lady, I shouldn't even be fucking you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulsge/a_woman_is_in_the_doctors_office/
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Wife asks husband how to make boobs bigger

A self-conscious wife asks her husband, "Honey, are my boobs too small?"
"No, honey, they're fine, but if you want to make them bigger, why don't you rub toilet paper between them?" he suggests.
For the next couple of weeks, the wife rubs toilet paper between her boobs several times a day, but sees no results.
"Honey, where did you get the idea that this toilet paper thing would work?"
"Well, you've been rubbing toilet paper on your ass all these years and that's getting bigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulrct/wife_asks_husband_how_to_make_boobs_bigger/
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On his 22nd birthday, my brother came out as a transvestite to our family and celebrated by wearing a miniskirt...

...that shows a lot of balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulqt7/on_his_22nd_birthday_my_brother_came_out_as_a/
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Can you believe my girlfriend's mother said I'm a pedophile because I'm 40 and she's 20?

Just because she's a mother doesn't mean she can judge people twice her age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulq2g/can_you_believe_my_girlfriends_mother_said_im_a/
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I went to a bulimic birthday party.

First time I've seen the cake come out of the girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulpyq/i_went_to_a_bulimic_birthday_party/
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What type of weed do lizards smoke?

Mariguana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulpj7/what_type_of_weed_do_lizards_smoke/
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What is the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't fuck a sandwich before eating it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulnqe/what_is_the_difference_between_a_dead_baby_and_a/
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I met a girl who said she orgasmed every time she sneezed

I asked her what she took for that.
She said usually pollen or ragweed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulmym/i_met_a_girl_who_said_she_orgasmed_every_time_she/
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Why is Alabama the smartest state?

Because it has four A's and one B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulmns/why_is_alabama_the_smartest_state/
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Why does Hillary Clinton want to have sex with Bill first thing in the morning?

She wants to be the first lady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ull9h/why_does_hillary_clinton_want_to_have_sex_with/
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A plane is going down.

A large commercial jet on a transatlantic flight loses an engine and is dropping altitude so fast that they're going to crash unless they can lose some weight.
The pilot instructs the flight crew to inform the passengers that they are going to jettison all the checked luggage. Unfortunately after dumping it all they're still too heavy and the pilot cant pull the plane out of the dive.
Once again the pilot sends the flight attendants to address the passengers, this time with instructions to gather everyones carry-on baggage so they can jettison that as well. People start giving over anything they can think of, shoes, watches, laptops, purses you name it people are handing it over, unfortunately, again, it's just not enough, the plane is still too heavy.
This time the pilot comes to the cabin to address the passengers personally. "I'm sorry folks, but it's just not enough, we're still too heavy, and we're still going down. Im afraid we're only left with one option, some of us are going to have to sacrifice ourselves for the greater good of everyone else. However I dont want to be biased about this in anyway so we're just going to do it in alphabetical order." The captain looks around and sees the passengers nodding and mumbling assent "Very well then, lets get started, would all the African Americans please come up to the front of the plane?" Amid shocked gasps no one stands up "Um, ok, moving on then, would all the black passengers please make your way up front" Again no one moves, the captain visibly confused now scratches his head and continues "Alllll right, could all the coloured people please come on up front"....again, no one stands.
At the back of the plane a small black girl looks up at her mother and tugs on her sleeve "Momma, I thought you said we were african american?" Her mother looks down and smiles "No honey, today we're niggers, and we're going after the mexicans!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulke0/a_plane_is_going_down/
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After failing my first 2 exams, I just got an A on my third Anatomy exam...

the answers were inside me the entire time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulkbd/after_failing_my_first_2_exams_i_just_got_an_a_on/
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A little boy gets on the public bus

and sits right behind the bus driver.
The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."
The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?"
The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulk8c/a_little_boy_gets_on_the_public_bus/
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A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching porn!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.
The robot slaps the mom...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uljy7/a_dad_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps_you_if/
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Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his drink before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulj2k/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
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If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question.

Is it in yet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulg0c/if_usb_ports_could_talk_theyd_only_ask_one/
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3 dyslexic mods walk into a bra...

[deteled]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulf16/3_dyslexic_mods_walk_into_a_bra/
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What does a bodybuilder do while waiting in a long line?

Weights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uld12/what_does_a_bodybuilder_do_while_waiting_in_a/
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An ISIS member walks into a bar

And He offers everyone free shots!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulc50/an_isis_member_walks_into_a_bar/
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A young salesman moves to the big city

He wants a job with the biggest department store.  So he meets with the manager of the store and the manager asks him "so what makes you think you'd be so good at sales?"
"Because I am good at figuring out what people might want" said the young sales boy.
The manager decides to give him a shot and tells him to start at 8am the next morning and he'll be by at 5pm to see how he did.
The day was long but the boy made it through. At 5pm the boss came to see how the day went and asked "so how many sales did you make today?"
"Just one" says the boy
"Just one!? The first day most of my guys make 30 to 40 sales.   How much was this sale worth?"
"$176,391" says the boy, proudly.
"What?!" Exclaims the manager, "How did you manage to make one sale for that much?!"
"Well it was easy" the boy explained, "this guy came in and I sold him a small fish hook. The  a medium fish hook and some tackle.  He decided he needed some new rods so he picked up a couple of the new stock we have in.  I asked him where he was going fishing and he said way up north.  So I said 'well you'll need a boat.' We went over to the boats and he picked up a 24 ft schooner.  He took one look at that and said my Volkswagen is never going to pull that so we went to the car lot and he got a new 4x4"
The manager was in shock. "You sold all of that to a guy that came in to buy a fish hook?"
"No, he came in to buy some tampons for his wife and I said 'well your weekends shot. Might as well go fishing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ulbho/a_young_salesman_moves_to_the_big_city/
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I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ula4i/im_really_good_friends_with_25_letters_of_the/
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I asked my husband to go upstairs to help our daughter with her Spelling homework

Her assignment was to create a word search with this week’s spelling words.  20 minutes later I hear him saying “colder”, “getting warmer”, “hotter”, etc.  So I went upstairs to see what was going on.  He had written each word on an index card and hid them around the room for her to find!  That’s the last time I’ll ask him to help with homework!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ul9y8/i_asked_my_husband_to_go_upstairs_to_help_our/
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I started a project to hire people with depression on my dairy farm...

if there's one thing they're good at its milking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ul9us/i_started_a_project_to_hire_people_with/
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So I rear-ended a young girl in traffic the other day...

And a dwarf stepped out of the passenger side and said, "You just hit my sister's car, and I am not happy."
So I asked him, "Well which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ul93f/so_i_rearended_a_young_girl_in_traffic_the_other/
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Late for School

Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."
Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."
Mother: "Yes, you do."
Victor: "Give me one good reason."
Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ul8xj/late_for_school/
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Want to hear a joke about the ozone layer?

[depleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ul6k4/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_the_ozone_layer/
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A little boy asks his mother what the difference is between a Democrat and a Republican?

The mother thinks hard and comes up with this explanation for the child.
A Democrat is like that very nice aunt you have that always promises to take you to Disneyland.  But something always comes up and you never actually go.
A Republican is like a grumpy uncle.  Every time you ask him about Disneyland he says absolutely not, we don't have enough money.
But then later you find out that he went with out you anyway.
- Corey Kahaney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ul6h6/a_little_boy_asks_his_mother_what_the_difference/
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I vote Gabe Newell for president.

There will never be a World War 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ul5vf/i_vote_gabe_newell_for_president/
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After telling his wife he was working late at the office,

a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and exclaimed "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look what he did to my tits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ul4py/after_telling_his_wife_he_was_working_late_at_the/
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The doctor's receptionist.

The doctor's office receptionist was known to be an impatient, self-important old dragon of a woman. In the very crowded waiting room when a male patient wasn't answering her questions quickly enough, she asked in a loud voice with a barely-concealed smirk,  "So Mr Smith, you're here to find out if you have a venereal disease?"
The waiting room suddenly fell deadly silent but burst into an uproar when Mr Smith replied in an equally loud voice, "No! I'm here to discuss having a sex-change operation." He hesitated slightly before continuing, "but if the doctor's going to send me to the same surgeon who did yours, then I've changed my mind!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ul2wv/the_doctors_receptionist/
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Mini-Skirt Speech

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ul161/miniskirt_speech/
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Can we get married?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukyvc/can_we_get_married/
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Why don't kleptomaniacs have a sense of humor?

Because they take everything, literally....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukxsm/why_dont_kleptomaniacs_have_a_sense_of_humor/
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Why is it so hot in a stadium after the game is over?

Because all the fans left...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukwi4/why_is_it_so_hot_in_a_stadium_after_the_game_is/
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Guy gets pulled over for SPEEDING.

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!"
The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area.
The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukviq/guy_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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How do you know if an Asian person has robbed your house?

When you come home, your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and they're still trying to back out of the driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukv7k/how_do_you_know_if_an_asian_person_has_robbed/
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People are always calling me a soft touch...

As their proctologist, I take this as a compliment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukuji/people_are_always_calling_me_a_soft_touch/
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I've said it before, and I'll say it again...

I've said it before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uksq1/ive_said_it_before_and_ill_say_it_again/
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What is a shark's guilty pleasure?

A mouth full of seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukr1i/what_is_a_sharks_guilty_pleasure/
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Poke her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukqwu/how_do_you_wake_up_lady_gaga/
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I jerk off roughly once a day.

I try to be a little more loving and gentle the other 2-3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukppz/i_jerk_off_roughly_once_a_day/
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Bad news, good news, really great news

Hopefully not a repost -
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.
"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"
The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukpgo/bad_news_good_news_really_great_news/
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*In the ER* "We're losing him, anyone have any ideas?"

"How about 50 cc's of a cool refreshing beverage?"
"Dammit Dr. Pepper not now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukp56/in_the_er_were_losing_him_anyone_have_any_ideas/
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If you were against pencils you would be ...

Erasist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukoss/if_you_were_against_pencils_you_would_be/
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The barber from across the street was just arrested for selling drugs.

I was his customer for 3 years. Didn't know he was also a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uko8h/the_barber_from_across_the_street_was_just/
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A Philosopher, A Mathematician, and An Idiot...

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukjsl/a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an_idiot/
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A husband walks in and finds his wife watching a cooking show

He asked “Why do you watch all these cooking shows? It doesn’t seem to have improved your cooking at all!”
The wife turns and looks at her husband and answered “I thought the same thing about you watching porn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukgec/a_husband_walks_in_and_finds_his_wife_watching_a/
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My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36.

Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukfxr/my_girlfriends_father_called_me_a_pedophile_just/
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What's the difference between an engineer and a prostitute?

An engineer makes a lot of fucking money, whereas a prostitute could make a lot of money fucking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uke0c/whats_the_difference_between_an_engineer_and_a/
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Yet another Chuck Norris joke.

Chuck Norris caught all the Pokemon using a payphone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukdn7/yet_another_chuck_norris_joke/
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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words..

"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukdgn/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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What is the big hairy thing between Napoleon's legs?

His horse Marengo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uk9u2/what_is_the_big_hairy_thing_between_napoleons_legs/
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What's the difference between reddit and Facebook

About a week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uk8kd/whats_the_difference_between_reddit_and_facebook/
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Q: Why are Republicans always so strung up about 9/11?

A: Elephants never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uk45w/q_why_are_republicans_always_so_strung_up_about/
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With Jesus now! 18+

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."
"What?" his father replied.
Hope this one doesn't upset anyone xD
"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uk3k4/with_jesus_now_18/
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Why is there only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell?

Easy.  More traffic is going to hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uk39u/why_is_there_only_a_stairway_to_heaven_but_a/
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The deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uk35r/the_deaf_italian_bookkeeper/
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What is Donald Trump's favourite Olympics event?

Fencing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uk30v/what_is_donald_trumps_favourite_olympics_event/
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uk2gw/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
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Pickup lines

An old man drinking at the bar and sees a young man walk up to a girl and say "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
Clearly surprised and upset the woman replies, "What!!?"
The young man "repeats" himself and says "Particularly nice weather?"
Embarrassed by her confusion the girl blushes and says, "oh, well yes it has been nice".
They chat about the weather, exchange pleasantries and the young man moves on.
The old man still observing and still drinking sees the young man try again with a second woman, with the same response, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"  "WHATTT!?" "Particularly  nice weather?", "Oh I'm sorry, I misheard, yes very nice weather".  Again the young man moves on after a moment, and approaches a third young woman.
"Tickle your ass with a feather?"  *This* woman replies, "Sure, your place or mine?"  The young man's ploy has worked and the two leave together.
Seeing this, and with more than a few drinks in him, the old man decides to give it a try himself.
He approaches a pretty girl and loudly slurs, "Ccan I shtich a FEATHER UP YOUR ASS!?"
Outraged, the woman slaps him across the face and stomps off.
The old man shouts,  "Oh, I think it's gonna rain"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uk293/pickup_lines/
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Starting salary

Reaching the end of an extensive job interview, the HR person asked a young Engineer fresh out of college, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineering graduate said, "In the range of $100,000 - 125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a brand new BMW?"
The engineering graduate sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ujzxy/starting_salary/
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A man went to the register with only a box of condoms.

The cashier asked 'Sir, do you want a bag?'
He replied 'No thanks, she's not that ugly'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ujzmg/a_man_went_to_the_register_with_only_a_box_of/
%
What is a Cannibal?

Someone who is fed up with people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ujz9n/what_is_a_cannibal/
%
How do you kill a troll?

With a firewall spell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ujz4k/how_do_you_kill_a_troll/
%
The only time my car goes 0-100 real fast.

Is when it's sitting in broad daylight on a summer day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ujy60/the_only_time_my_car_goes_0100_real_fast/
%
F(x) walks into a bar

the bartender looks at him and says "Sorry we don't cater for functions"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ujtc1/fx_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So I saw a truck called 'The Morse Deliverers' reversing yesterday,

For some reason it just kept on saying 'S'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ujqsc/so_i_saw_a_truck_called_the_morse_deliverers/
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Did you used to blow bubbles when you were younger?

Well, he's back in town lookin' for ya!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ujp83/did_you_used_to_blow_bubbles_when_you_were_younger/
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what do you call a bunch of mentally challenged superheroes

the inbredibles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ujotx/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_mentally_challenged/
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Mom, Daughter and Neighbour

Daughter: "Hey mom, I just found out the guy next door has a penis like a peanut."
Mom : "Really! Is it that small?"
Daughter: "Nope. It's salty!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ujoj8/mom_daughter_and_neighbour/
%
Ever since i started wearing camo all the time...

My girlfriend said she can't see me anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ujnru/ever_since_i_started_wearing_camo_all_the_time/
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What do you call a pair of twins who live together?

"Womb-mates"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ujlam/what_do_you_call_a_pair_of_twins_who_live_together/
%
A guy sits down in a Café and asks for the hot chili.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ujfg5/a_guy_sits_down_in_a_café_and_asks_for_the_hot/
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An elderly man goes to a shopping mall...

... And decides to sit down for a while in the food court. A few moments pass by and a young man sits a few tables away from him. This young man has a mohawk taller than half of his body and dyed every color of the rainbow. The old man begins staring at the young man and eventually the latter gets aggravated, walks up to the elderly man and asks "Whatcha staring for old man? Haven't you ever done anything wild and crazy before?" The elderly man says "Sure have. Got drunk in the Army once and had sex with a peacock. Just trying to determine if you might be my son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ujdqp/an_elderly_man_goes_to_a_shopping_mall/
%
A termite walks into a club.

'Is the bar tender here?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uj6vu/a_termite_walks_into_a_club/
%
Cop pulls over a swerving RV.

Cop: I am going to have to arrest you for driving while intoxicated.
Guy: You can't arrest me I am already home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uj58c/cop_pulls_over_a_swerving_rv/
%
I still have nightmares....

I still have nightmares about the time I gave my Eskimo friend a house warming gift...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uj0wp/i_still_have_nightmares/
%
A husband is with his wife at his mother-in-law's funeral...

Suddenly, the husband starts crying. His wife leans in and whispers to him:
"Why are you even crying? You never liked her anyways."
"I thought I saw her move."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uiwdj/a_husband_is_with_his_wife_at_his_motherinlaws/
%
In the motorcycle safety course they tell you that target fixation is bad, where your eyes are looking is where you usually end up.

Must be why I keep running over female joggers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uiv0l/in_the_motorcycle_safety_course_they_tell_you/
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What drug does the lord use to get work done?

God speed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uiu8q/what_drug_does_the_lord_use_to_get_work_done/
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You are Darth Vader. How can you tell if your stormtroopers just played paintball in their freetime again?

You can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uityd/you_are_darth_vader_how_can_you_tell_if_your/
%
The mountain gazelle is said to have the ability to jump higher than the average house

Considering houses don't jump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uirpn/the_mountain_gazelle_is_said_to_have_the_ability/
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If a porn star takes a vacation,

Do they consider it a leave of abstinence?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uio3x/if_a_porn_star_takes_a_vacation/
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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uimab/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying.

Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him,
"Peter, come hither!"
Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again,
"Peter, come hither!"
So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks,
"Peter, please, come to me!"
By now, the roman gurad is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks,
"yes, my Lord. What is it?"
Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance and says:
"Look Peter, I can see your house from up here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uilts/jesus_christ_is_dying_on_the_cross_his_disciples/
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Why can't Jesus eat pizza?

Because he doesn't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uilre/why_cant_jesus_eat_pizza/
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The pig and the duck

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He looks at his wife and says, "this is the pig I've been fucking."
His wife looks at him and says "but that's a duck."
He replies "I wasn't talking to you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uikky/the_pig_and_the_duck/
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I Like My Vaginas Like My Two Favorite Clint Eastwood Movies

Dirty Harry and Every Which Way but Loose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uijo0/i_like_my_vaginas_like_my_two_favorite_clint/
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Jesus and Moses were hanging out in Heaven

when they got to discussing their mutual boredom.
Moses said, "Hey Jesus, you know what we haven't done in a while? Go down to Earth and perform some miracles." Jesus thought that was a swell idea, so the two hopped on a cloud and floated down to a metropolitan area. "What miracle would you like to perform first?" asked Moses.
"I think I'll walk on water," replied Jesus. "Last time I did that the people really went wild!" Jesus walked to the edge of a lake surrounded by hundreds of people, took a step onto the water...and sank. Confused, he stepped out of the water, tried again...and sank a second time. He turned to Moses and said, "I don't know what's wrong. Last time I did this it worked like a charm!" To which Moses replied, "Well Jesus, you have to remember: last time you did this you didn't have holes in your feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uiism/jesus_and_moses_were_hanging_out_in_heaven/
%
A cop pulls over a guy for suspected DUI

"How high are you?" the cop says.
"No, officer, it's 'Hi, how are you,'" says the guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uiiro/a_cop_pulls_over_a_guy_for_suspected_dui/
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An 80 year old lady gets married for the 4th time.

This time to a funeral director.
The local paper does a story on her and they ask her about her previous marriages.
She tells them that at 20 she married a bank manager, at 40 a ringmaster, at 60 a pastor and at 80 a funeral director.
The reporter asks her why?
1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uihwj/an_80_year_old_lady_gets_married_for_the_4th_time/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

He was too far out man...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uigmi/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippy/
%
A guy wants to take his girlfriend to prom

So he waits in line to buy tickets. It's a long line. He wants it to be a memorable night- he stands in line for hours to get a limo. On his way to pick her up, he stops to buy flowers. Theres a long line here too. When they get to the prom later that night, she suggests they get some punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uiex6/a_guy_wants_to_take_his_girlfriend_to_prom/
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What is M. Night Shyamalan's favorite pastry?

A cinema-n twist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uidp5/what_is_m_night_shyamalans_favorite_pastry/
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A monk refused to use anesthesia during a root canal...

Apparently he wanted to transcend dental medication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ui9ng/a_monk_refused_to_use_anesthesia_during_a_root/
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What airline does Sophie Turner use when she's filming Game of Thrones?

Luftsansa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ui8no/what_airline_does_sophie_turner_use_when_shes/
%
Ther was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row...

and their time was up.
In a new, enlightened program, the warden gave them a choice of three ways to die.
- To be shot
- To be hanged
- To be injected with the AIDS virus.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly.)
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead instantly.)
Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him a shot, and the Redneck fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said,"Give me another of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was luaghing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
So finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ui7o3/ther_was_a_german_an_italian_and_a_redneck_on/
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A Penguin took his car to the shop

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out.
The mechanic said it'll be about an hour so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers.
He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin replied, "No, it's just ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ui6nl/a_penguin_took_his_car_to_the_shop/
%
Remains to be seen...

...if glass coffins become popular.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ui5a9/remains_to_be_seen/
%
Why are black people good at basketball?

Because they can run,  shoot and steal at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ui4pg/why_are_black_people_good_at_basketball/
%
A farmer and his watermelons

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.
So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ui41m/a_farmer_and_his_watermelons/
%
Husband and wife on call

A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.
The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you women are at it for two hours at least!"
wife"Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhwhz/husband_and_wife_on_call/
%
What sits in the kitchen and gets smaller and smaller?

A baby combing its hair with an apple peeler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhuj6/what_sits_in_the_kitchen_and_gets_smaller_and/
%
A little boy kills a butterfly..

His dad tells him "No butter for two weeks"
The little boy kills a honeybee and his dad tells him "No honey for two weeks"
The little boy sees his mom killing a cock roach and the little boy turns to his dad and says "will you tell her or shall I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhuhb/a_little_boy_kills_a_butterfly/
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I Have The Body of a 25 Year Old Supermodel

But it takes too much space in my freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhs7b/i_have_the_body_of_a_25_year_old_supermodel/
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A woman gives birth to a girl and a boy but falls into a coma for a few months.

After she wakes up the doctor says "stay calm. You fell into a coma after having twins. Your brother came to pick them up and even name them."
The mother is worried "Oh no my Brother is terrible with names!"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
The mother looks relieved "well that's not so bad. What did he name the boy?"
"Denephew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhqis/a_woman_gives_birth_to_a_girl_and_a_boy_but_falls/
%
I hate when people say "women should stay in the kitchen"

...how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhnfj/i_hate_when_people_say_women_should_stay_in_the/
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The competition of the priests

Three priests - a Catholic, a Protestant and a Jewish are competing against each other. The task is to convert a bear to their religion.
&nbsp;
After a few days, the Catholic priest calls the others to his church and says: "Look! I've converted the bear to Catholicism and now he's playing the church organ."
&nbsp;
After another few days, the Protestant priest calls the others to his church and says: "Look! I've converted the bear to Protestantism and now he's reciting the Lutheran Bible to the churchgoers."
&nbsp;
After another few days, the Catholic and the Protestant priests were called into the hospital because the Jewish one had gotten brutally attacked by a bear. They visit him and ask what had happened. The Jewish priest responds: "Perhaps I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhkcd/the_competition_of_the_priests/
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The mystery of the Last son [long]

A man had four sons. The elder three were tall, muscular and blonde. The fourth son was a brunette and lanky.
The man always questioned if the last son was his. It would eat him inside. But to keep the sanctity of his marriage and family he never bought the topic up.
On his deathbed, he held his wife close and asked her "Darling, is the last child mine? Be truthful so I can die a peaceful death."
The wife replied "Yes dear. He is your own flesh and blood."
The husband breathed his last, content with a smile on his face.
His wife, wiping her tears, felt relieved he didn't ask about the other three.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhhzv/the_mystery_of_the_last_son_long/
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A man comes to the United States from India

And he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.
The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and directly smell and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
The man takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and, eyes wide open, breathes in the fumes for ten minutes through both his nose and mouth.
Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked! I feel terrific. What was it?"
The doctor replies, "You were homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhhnr/a_man_comes_to_the_united_states_from_india/
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The Boy Scouts came up with the strongest knot in the world...

You just leave a pair of earbuds in your pocket while you're hiking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhg3y/the_boy_scouts_came_up_with_the_strongest_knot_in/
%
I went for my interview to be a bus driver

I told them 'Sorry I'm late'
They said 'you're hired'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhfmx/i_went_for_my_interview_to_be_a_bus_driver/
%
What's the difference between a slab of meat and someone who hates high school students?

One's protein, the other's anti-teen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhenn/whats_the_difference_between_a_slab_of_meat_and/
%
What do you call it when an immigrant and a pedophile get into a fight?

Alien Vs. Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhe2c/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_immigrant_and_a/
%
What's the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhe0p/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

How much money are we talking about here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uhc6e/how_many_hillary_clinton_supporters_does_it_take/
%
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar...

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uh908/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
%
Two Italian old men are overhead talking on a train... (long'ish) (dirty)

"First Emma cums, then I cum. Then Essa cums twice. Then, I cum again. Then Essa cums two more times again. Then, I cum again. Then comes a pee, and a pee one more time. Then I cum again at the end."
Disgusted by this, the lady behind them shouts out "Perverts!"
The Italian man stands up and responds, "Heya lady, I'ma just trying to teach my friend here howa to spell Mississippi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uh7pg/two_italian_old_men_are_overhead_talking_on_a/
%
Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uh0st/why_does_santa_have_such_a_big_sack/
%
A monkey claims that he has the best weed in the world.

A lizard notices a monkey sitting in a tree smoking a joint. He calls up, "Hey, monkey! What are you doing?"
"I'm smoking the best weed in the world," replies the monkey.
"I doubt it," says the lizard. The monkey invites him to the top of the tree to try it. The lizard takes a few puffs and concedes that it really is amazing weed! After a few more puffs he gets very thirsty. He tells the monkey that he'll be back after a quick drink and stumbles off to the river.
At the river he is so stoned and uncoordinated that he falls in. An alligator sees him and pushes him back onto shore with his nose. He then asks, "What is wrong with you?"
The lizard tells him, "Oh, the monkey up in that tall tree has the best weed in the world."
The gator goes to the tall tree to see for himself.  "Hey, monkey!" he calls. The monkey opens his eyes wide and says, "How much water did you drink, man?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uh02y/a_monkey_claims_that_he_has_the_best_weed_in_the/
%
A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugx0t/a_man_walks_into_a_barber_shop_for_a_shave/
%
My grandfather had the heart of a lion...

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugu62/my_grandfather_had_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
Why are most cemeteries fenced in?

Because everyone is dying to get in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugtc7/why_are_most_cemeteries_fenced_in/
%
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugrn3/what_do_a_viola_and_a_lawsuit_have_in_common/
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A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :
"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugrah/a_cop_pulls_a_guy_over_for_suspected_drunk_driving/
%
Yesterday while working I saw a gigantic funeral precession...

There were two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog, followed by hundreds of men.
I take a break from work and say to the man walking the dog " excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but do you mind telling me what happened?"
The man replies:
"A couple of weeks ago I bought this dog for my wife. Last week it turned on her and killed her. During the attack my mother in law tried to pull the dog off of her daughter and ended up dying as well"
I say : " sir can I borrow you dog?"
He replies : "Get in line "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugni2/yesterday_while_working_i_saw_a_gigantic_funeral/
%
A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death.

His family didn't bereave him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugnf8/a_japanese_man_once_tried_to_fake_his_own_death/
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The town drunk walked past Beethoven's grave

Suddenly, he started hearing music.
He stumbled into the town square and said "There's music coming from the cemetery! come quick!"
Soon, a crowd gathered around the grave and sure enough, the music was playing.
There it was, Ninth symphony, then the Eighth, then the Seventh, and etc.
It caught the attention of a detective who walked by. He entered the crowd and stated:
"It's no big deal, it's just Beethoven decomposing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugktw/the_town_drunk_walked_past_beethovens_grave/
%
Three male coworkers are upset to find that the fourth member of their weekly golf outing will no longer be joining them...

...a female coworker overhears their plight and asks if she can join. The men are hesitant, but in the name of equality they decide to allow it.
"We like to take our time, so we start early," says one of the men.
"No worries," says the woman, "I'll be there at 7:30 or 8:00."
Sunday arrives, and the woman shows up at 7:30. She assumes a left-handed stance and aces every hole. At the end of the day, the men are so impressed that they invite her back next week.
"That's great," she says, "I'll be there at 7:30 or 8:00."
The next Sunday arrives and the woman shows up at 7:30. This time she assumes a right-handed stance and aces every hole. The men are flabbergasted and duly impressed.
One of the men asks, "how do you decide whether you're going to play lefty or righty?"
She responds, "well, if I wake up and see that my husbands penis is leaning to the left, I play lefty. If it's leaning to the right, I play righty."
One of the men decides to be funny and asks, "well what if his penis is pointing straight up?"
She responds, "well, then I don't get here until 8:00"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugkjo/three_male_coworkers_are_upset_to_find_that_the/
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A guy dies, and winds up in hell...

Satan says, "You must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in."
"Can I see the rooms first?" he asks..
"Certainly." and Satan shows him the first room, whee he sees a bunch of people, on a wooden floor, standing on their heads.
He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity"
He's shown the second room, where there are a  bunch of people on a metal floor, standing on their heads.
He thinks "I definitely can't do that for eternity"
He's shown the third and final room where, where he sees a bunch of people standing in 2 feet of horse manure, and drinking coffee.
He says to himself "...well I guess I could get used to the smell.  I choose room 3."
After 10 minutes in the room, Satan comes in and says "Alright, coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugi8i/a_guy_dies_and_winds_up_in_hell/
%
A guy walks into a bar

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ughpw/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How did Pavlov keep his dogs so fluffy?

He used conditioner on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugh1w/how_did_pavlov_keep_his_dogs_so_fluffy/
%
I went to the doctor today. He told me I was fat.

I said I wanted a second opinion.  He says, Okay, you're ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugglz/i_went_to_the_doctor_today_he_told_me_i_was_fat/
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An elderly couple...

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. "
The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uges3/an_elderly_couple/
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What are the three rings of marriage?

The first one is the engagement ring...the second one is the wedding ring...and the third one is the suffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugeo1/what_are_the_three_rings_of_marriage/
%
An 85 year old man had to go to the doctor for a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugd1h/an_85_year_old_man_had_to_go_to_the_doctor_for_a/
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What's the difference between Trump and Satan?

Satan will at least let anyone into hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugbhf/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_satan/
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A guy walking into a bar

sees an old man fishing in a puddle off the sidewalk.
“Poor Old fool,”  he thought. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugb7s/a_guy_walking_into_a_bar/
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Got pulled over tonight. Cop asked if I had any weapons.

I showed him my guns. He laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugadg/got_pulled_over_tonight_cop_asked_if_i_had_any/
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Serial killer trial

One day in a courthouse, a serial killer was on trial for murdering people.
Judge: "you are hereby guilty for murdering multiple people with a hammer for this past few years"
Random person: "you son of a bitch! "
The judge ignored the person calling out and attempted to continue the trial.
Judge: "because you are guilty for murdering  these innocent lives, you will be sent to prison for life"
Random person: "you piece of shit!"
The judge beginning to find the person disruptive, he slams his hammer and pointed his hammer at the person who have been cursing.
Judge: "sir if you curse one more time, i will ask the officers to escort you out of this building!"
The person cursing stands up and pointed at the serial killer.
Random person: "I'm sorry your honor, you see, this son of a bitch has been my neighbour for 8 years and whenever i asked if he had a hammer i can borrow he said he didn't have any!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugaa2/serial_killer_trial/
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There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people

Push and pull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ug9zk/there_are_two_words_in_life_that_will_open_a_lot/
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A Northern Virginian dies and wakes up in Hell

He is surprised that Maryland can wake the dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ug7vz/a_northern_virginian_dies_and_wakes_up_in_hell/
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I hate those people who knock on your door...

And tell you that you need to be saved or you'll burn...
Stupid firemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ug646/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door/
%
How much calcium is in a kiss?

Enough to make a bone hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ug62p/how_much_calcium_is_in_a_kiss/
%
Family Vacation

A family went on vacation. When they got to the hotel the father tells the desk clerk "I'd like the porn in the room to be disabled"
Clerk: "Sorry, we only have regular porn you pervert"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ug5me/family_vacation/
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Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ug4vc/two_irish_men_came_down_to_give_mrs_omally_some/
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How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ears pierced?

A Buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ug0zm/how_much_does_it_cost_for_a_pirate_to_get_their/
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I tried to join a local gang of thieves that were stealing supplies from Chinese restaurants in town.

I don't think I made the cut though.  They told me to go take a walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufyll/i_tried_to_join_a_local_gang_of_thieves_that_were/
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My son came home from school in tears.

"My girlfriend slept with my best friend," he said.
I said, "That's very flattering, I never knew I was your best friend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufy2j/my_son_came_home_from_school_in_tears/
%
Electing Trump would really strengthen our dollar

Sincerely,
Canada

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufw0x/electing_trump_would_really_strengthen_our_dollar/
%
What do you call a male robot that likes to dress up in women's clothing?

A transistor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufvp4/what_do_you_call_a_male_robot_that_likes_to_dress/
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Opening for a CIA job

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the interviews were over there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes."I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufuws/opening_for_a_cia_job/
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My Irish friend was telling me about his uncle.

"My uncle's a cop, you know," he said.
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Riley."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufukq/my_irish_friend_was_telling_me_about_his_uncle/
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The pound is way more fun than the zoo

They change out the animals every week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufu3s/the_pound_is_way_more_fun_than_the_zoo/
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When you die and you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you...

Three friends are sitting in a bar drinking, when one turns to the others and asks, "When you die and you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy thinks and says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." He turns back to his buddy, who asked the question, "What about you?"
The guy snorts, "I want them to say, 'MY GOD, HE'S STILL ALIVE!!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufs9i/when_you_die_and_youre_in_your_casket_and_friends/
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Why is a horny walrus the same as a Tupperware enthusiast?

They're both looking for a tight seal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufojr/why_is_a_horny_walrus_the_same_as_a_tupperware/
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A poem for you

I dig...
You dig...
We dig...
He dig...
She dig...
They dig...
********
It's not a very beautiful poem but it's quite deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufnua/a_poem_for_you/
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Why did the redditor go to the pet store?

Because he wanted karma and karma's a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufnf5/why_did_the_redditor_go_to_the_pet_store/
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Thor meets a woman with a lisp

Thor decides he hasn't been to Earth in quite some time and decides to go down and let humanity know he still exists. So he flies down and lands on a woman's balcony. After entering her apartment he grabs her, throws her on the bed and fucks the shit out of her.
A few days later, in Asgard, he realizes that he never told her who he was, so he goes back down to Earth and lands on her balcony again. When she comes out on to the balcony, he says, "By the way, I'm Thor!" The woman replies, "You're thore?! I couldn't pith for three dayth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufnc4/thor_meets_a_woman_with_a_lisp/
%
You can't break an electric toothbrush

If it stops working, it becomes a toothbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uflej/you_cant_break_an_electric_toothbrush/
%
The fancy dress party

Steve and Jeff went to a fancy dress party. The theme was "Emotions".
Jeff turns up, stark naked with his dick in a pear. Steve turns up, stark naked, his dick in a bowl of custard.
"What did you two come as?"
Jeff: "I'm deep in despair, Steve is fucking disgusted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufi8i/the_fancy_dress_party/
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Europe is in turmoil, but at least I've got some steady income despite the migrant crisis

I own a florist around the corner from the French embassy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufc1p/europe_is_in_turmoil_but_at_least_ive_got_some/
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What does a redneck say after sex?

Thanks, sis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufb4e/what_does_a_redneck_say_after_sex/
%
Sunday School

A girl named Emily is sitting in Sunday school, but she just can not stay awake. She falls asleep and the class continues. The teacher asks the class
"who died on the cross?"
A boy behind Emily sees that she is sleeping and pokes her in the back with a pencil. She yelps out
"JESUS CHRIST"
"Correct" says the teacher. Emily falls back asleep and the class continues on. Next the teacher asks the class
"Who created heaven and earth?"
The boy pokes Emily again and she yelps out
"OH MY GOD"
"Correct" the teacher says pleased with the participation.  Now as class continues Emily again falls asleep. The teacher continues to ask the class questions and asks
"What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?"
The boy behind Emily pokes her with his pencil again and Emily stands up and yells
"IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ufai9/sunday_school/
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What's the difference between an epileptic cornhusker and a hooker with diarrhea?

An epileptic cornhusker shucks between fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uf9nw/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic/
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A twelve year old is watching ghostbusters 2 for the first time with his father.

Kid : Dad what's that?
Dad : A walkman
Kid : and that?
Dad : A dark room for devoloping photos.
Kid : and those?
Dad : The twin towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uf9fp/a_twelve_year_old_is_watching_ghostbusters_2_for/
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A man thinks his wife is cheating on him

He goes to pet store looking for a parrot that knows the whole English language
Clerk: we only have one parrot like that but he doesn't have legs
Guy: how does he stay on the stick
Clerk: easy he wraps his dick around it
Guy brings the parrot home and hides him in the closet. Tell me everything that happens when I get back home from work. A few hours later the guy comes back home.
Guy: what happened
Parrot: your wife and a man came in
Guy: go on go on
Parrot: they started kissing each other
Guy: go on go on
Parrot: your wife took off her clothes
Guy: oh my God I can't believe it. What happened next?
Parrot: I don't know. My dick hard and I fell of the stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uf8u2/a_man_thinks_his_wife_is_cheating_on_him/
%
Why is Monica Lewinsky so poor

Because she's always blowing bills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uf89a/why_is_monica_lewinsky_so_poor/
%
My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uf1oa/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
%
With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village..

The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uf15f/with_the_zika_virus_and_how_much_hooking_up/
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A Leaf and an Emo Person Both Fall From a Tree.

What lands first?
The leaf, a rope stopped the emo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uf0xx/a_leaf_and_an_emo_person_both_fall_from_a_tree/
%
What do you call a singing computer?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uey9a/what_do_you_call_a_singing_computer/
%
How many Emos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter because there is no light, only dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ueuxs/how_many_emos_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
What did the gay deer say when he left the bar?

"I can't believe I blew 50 bucks back there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uer7u/what_did_the_gay_deer_say_when_he_left_the_bar/
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Less well known than Ernest Hemingway's "A Farewell to Arms"...

is his sequel, "Oh Hello Arms I Didn't Think I'd See You Again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uepat/less_well_known_than_ernest_hemingways_a_farewell/
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I'm getting my wife's name tattooed on my penis

So I can keep beating her long after she's gone
(I'm so sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uep9o/im_getting_my_wifes_name_tattooed_on_my_penis/
%
(NSFW) What's the difference between a clever dwarf and a blue waffle?

Well one's a cunning runt...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uekra/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_clever_dwarf/
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Did you know the oval office is full of money?

There's a wad of bill's under the desk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uej3t/did_you_know_the_oval_office_is_full_of_money/
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Space may sound romantic...

But I'd never take a date there; there's no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ueg71/space_may_sound_romantic/
%
I would tell a broken pencil joke..

But there's no point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ueffw/i_would_tell_a_broken_pencil_joke/
%
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uecq1/how_many_surrealists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uebws/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_shins/
%
How do you want it die?

Personally, i want to go out as my grandpa.
Peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his passengers, screaming and crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ue8w9/how_do_you_want_it_die/
%
Why do Feminists lay down during sex?

They can't *stand* seeing a man have a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ue6x1/why_do_feminists_lay_down_during_sex/
%
I didn't know what to do with all the gifts my ex gave me.

So I took antibiotics until they went away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ue3s5/i_didnt_know_what_to_do_with_all_the_gifts_my_ex/
%
The lights at the Chinese restaurant were too bright...

... so the manager had to dim sum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ue2jd/the_lights_at_the_chinese_restaurant_were_too/
%
What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ue1ak/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
Three skunks are walking down a road...

And they come to a fork in the road. The first skunk says, "My instincts tell me to go to the left." The second skunk says, "My instincts tell me to go to the right." The third skunk says, "Well my end stinks too, but it doesn't talk to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4udz92/three_skunks_are_walking_down_a_road/
%
Just been confronted by my next door neighbour, apparently there's been items going missing from her washing line.

I nearly shit her pants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4udwwl/just_been_confronted_by_my_next_door_neighbour/
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A couple was driving through Arizona, it was extremely hot so they both got naked....

their car broke down and the husband put his clothes on to go find help, a cop pulls up behind the car and approaches the wife who uses her husbands shoe to cover her vagina. She tells the cop "Help were stuck!!" and the cop replies, "Ma'am if he's in that far I cant help you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4udvy5/a_couple_was_driving_through_arizona_it_was/
%
I used to have a co-worker named Joe.

He seemed to have come out of no where. When he first got the job, We asked him where he was from, but he would always just shrug off the question. Nevertheless, Joe and I got along really well.
One day, he approached me and asked if he could move in with me and my girlfriend. He told us about how our job wasn't paying enough for him to live alone, so we agreed and he moved in a few days later.
He was an alright roommate. He always cleaned up after himself, he never made the apartment smell, and he was always on time when rent was due. The only thing that made me nervous about him was the way he looked at my girlfriend with a face of lust on his face. I eventually asked my girlfriend is she had noticed him doing this. She timidly declined noticing.
Several months pass, and I receive some wonderful news; my girlfriend is pregnant! With Joe living in our apartment, I had been able to save more money in the bank, so after receiving the news, I immediately went out and bought a set of wedding rings and brought my girlfriend out to a fancy restaurant that night. It was there that I proposed to her. The moment I did, however, she began to tear up and say that she couldn't marry me. I asked her why. She told me that the baby wasn't mine, it was Joe's.
Filled with rage, I immediately drove home and confronted Joe about what he had done. He tried telling me to calm down, but in my rage, I threw a punch that hit him right in the eye. He screamed in pain and ran into his room. By the time he emerged an hour later, he had packed his suitcase full of all of his things. His eye had swollen up and looked like a ball of cotton. He left that night, and as quick as he had entered my life, he was gone.
If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'd been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?
*I found this beauty on a 4chan greentext a few months ago, but I have no idea who wrote it.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4udsk4/i_used_to_have_a_coworker_named_joe/
%
Baby, did you sit on my F5 key?

Cuz dat ass is refreshing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4udqxp/baby_did_you_sit_on_my_f5_key/
%
If ISIS is destroyed...

... Will they be known as WASWAS?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4udp7s/if_isis_is_destroyed/
%
What do you call an Egyptian spine manipulator?

A Cairo-practor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4udolp/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_spine_manipulator/
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I can hear music coming out of my printer...

I think the papers jammin' again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4udhwi/i_can_hear_music_coming_out_of_my_printer/
%
A guy from Michigan dies and wake up in Hell.

"At least I'm still in Michigan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4udh21/a_guy_from_michigan_dies_and_wake_up_in_hell/
%
What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an ass?

Donald Trump's tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4udgjm/whats_12_inches_long_and_hangs_in_front_of_an_ass/
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The Killing Joke

There were two guys locked in a lunatic asylum and one night, one night they decided they didn't like that anymore. They decided to escape.
So, they made it up to the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see rooftops, stretching across town,
stretching to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across, no problem. But his friend, no way, he's afraid of falling. So, the first guy, he has an idea.
He says, "Hey, I got this flashlight with me. "I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me."
But the second guy says,
"What do you think I am, crazy? You'll just turn it off
when I'm halfway across."
P/S: From The Killing Joke comic/animated movie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4udd5x/the_killing_joke/
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Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car and they get pulled over.  Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am"  Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35."  Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk.  He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" Shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.  Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4udd41/do_you_know_how_fast_you_were_going/
%
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door...

My plumber sure has a strange sense of humor...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4udceo/first_thing_this_morning_there_was_a_tap_on_my/
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

"Sorry, it's going to take me a while to get hard, I got laid last night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4udbyj/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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Genderfluid?

I just call that semen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ud2qx/genderfluid/
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Me Tarzan, you Jane...

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it  properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uczpi/me_tarzan_you_jane/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger's now working in pest control...

He's an ex-terminator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucynd/arnold_schwarzeneggers_now_working_in_pest_control/
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Today I was given a box of Jamaican hair extensions....

It was dreadful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucwm9/today_i_was_given_a_box_of_jamaican_hair/
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Half of all marriages end in divorce...

The other half end in death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucvrf/half_of_all_marriages_end_in_divorce/
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I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"

..."Well I'm your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucvkk/i_went_for_a_job_interview_today_and_the_manager/
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So I'm out in the woods taking a shit when...

...a bear strolls up, cocks his head with a funny expression, and says, "I never knew you guys did that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucu37/so_im_out_in_the_woods_taking_a_shit_when/
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Two hunters are on a safari

..then one guy has to pee so he finds a bush and start doing his duty when he got bit on the crouch by a cobra snake.
He yells to his friend to call for help, so his friend calls emergency line. After describing the snake, he's told that he needs to suck on the wound to get venom out or his friend will die.
He comes back to his friend who asks what they said, he answered : "they said you're gonna die".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucsim/two_hunters_are_on_a_safari/
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Printer tired while printing her picture

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucsb6/printer_tired_while_printing_her_picture/
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A Father's Gift

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave
you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucs1x/a_fathers_gift/
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This years Olympics in Rio is going to be one of the most steady and relaxing Games in history

No one will be Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucrov/this_years_olympics_in_rio_is_going_to_be_one_of/
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A Koala walks into a bar...

A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a BLT sandwich. The Koala eats the BLT sandwich, gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, and proceeds to walk out of the bar. The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, "Hey, who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think you're going!?" The Koala replies, "Hey, I'm a Koala. Look it up." The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala: The dictionary said "n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucrm7/a_koala_walks_into_a_bar/
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Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?

A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucqym/q_what_do_politicians_and_diapers_have_in_common/
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Windows frozen

Early one winter morning, as James entered his office block, he checked his phone and saw he had a text message from his wife.
Windows frozen. Not sure what to do.
He lets out a sigh that yet again, his wife was beautiful but with very little brains. James then texts back to pour some luke warm water over it slowly.
He receives a further text from his wife.
Computer really buggered now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucqwr/windows_frozen/
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Someone with Celiac disease but still eats wheat...

Is a gluten for punishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucoud/someone_with_celiac_disease_but_still_eats_wheat/
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Marriage Jokes

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"  The husband said, "No sweetie."  The woman said, "I'm sure you would."  So the man said, "Okay, I would"  Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"  And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."  Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"  And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucodz/marriage_jokes/
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This lady decided it was time to learn how to play golf...

This lady decided it was time to learn how to play golf and started taking lessons with the club pro.
After a few lessons, she just couldn't get the hang of teeing off, due to her poor grip.
Desperate, the pro suggested, "Don't be offended, but try holding the club as you would a man's willy."
Blushing, she followed the pro's instruction and wallop! - The ball flies 300 yards straight down the fairway!
"That was great," said the pro, highly impressed.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and try again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uco5c/this_lady_decided_it_was_time_to_learn_how_to/
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A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sulking over his drink...

He asks him:
"What's the matter, dude? Why are you so blue?"
"Oh, my father died three months ago, he left me 10,000€."
"Oh, man, I didn't know... My condolences."
"Yeah, and month after that my mother dies, leaving me 15,000€."
"Damn, that sucks..."
"And just last month, my aunt died, leaving me 20,000€."
"Man, it must be so hard for you, losing three close relatives in three months."
"Tell me about it... This month I haven't gotten a single cent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uck2c/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_his_friend/
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My daughter was whining about her chores.

She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment.
I said, "no, just do the floor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucj1h/my_daughter_was_whining_about_her_chores/
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I don't see the point of strip clubs.

All they do is frustrate you and take all your money.
I have a wife for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucez2/i_dont_see_the_point_of_strip_clubs/
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Anti jokes

What smells like blue paint?
Red paint
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
We're both lawyers
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead
Feel free to share some anti jokes in the comments i'd love to hear some more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucdyg/anti_jokes/
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What's the difference between an archeologists convention and a basketball team?

The archeologists convention is a nerdy bunch of diggers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucbfl/whats_the_difference_between_an_archeologists/
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Why are American police officers so bad at snooker?

They always shoot the black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uc5ag/why_are_american_police_officers_so_bad_at_snooker/
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Why do people point at their wrist when asking for the time?

Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uc45r/why_do_people_point_at_their_wrist_when_asking/
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My dad told me "Son if you don't stop masturbating you'll go blind"

I told him "Dad I'm over here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uc2up/my_dad_told_me_son_if_you_dont_stop_masturbating/
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My Mexican friend is so indecisive

He's always on the fence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uc1vu/my_mexican_friend_is_so_indecisive/
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Dark humor is like a child with cancer...

It never gets old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uc07z/dark_humor_is_like_a_child_with_cancer/
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After many years of studying at a university.

I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ubwtb/after_many_years_of_studying_at_a_university/
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What do you call someone that steals shoes?

A sneaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ubwpy/what_do_you_call_someone_that_steals_shoes/
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"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ubvux/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
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Why are married women always fatter than single women?

Single women come home, see what they have in the fridge and go to bed, while married women come come, see what they have in the bed and go to the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ubvkz/why_are_married_women_always_fatter_than_single/
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A wife complains to her husband...

The wife complains to her husband that her breasts are sagging, her skin is wrinkly, and her but is too big.  She asks if he can give her a compliment to cheer her up.
"Apparently, you have perfect vision"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ubtzi/a_wife_complains_to_her_husband/
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A doctor brings new born baby to father

Doctor walks up to the father with baby in arms. He starts repeatedly punching it, kicking it and then throws it in the ground and stomps on it. The father was in shock with his jaw dropped. The doctor then says "just kidding, it was already dead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ubpzz/a_doctor_brings_new_born_baby_to_father/
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It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to Hitler.

Hitler was a decorated war hero and qualified leader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ubpw3/its_not_fair_for_people_to_keep_comparing_trump/
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Tom was walking down the street when he sees a funeral procession.

At the head was the casket, behind was a man walking a very large dog and behind him were 300 people. Tom walks over to the guy with the dog and asks, "Who’s funeral is this?"
The man answers, “My mother-in-law’s.”
Tom wishes his condolences and asks, “She must of been a very important person, but what’s with the dog?”
"This is the dog that killed her.”
So Tom asks, “Can I borrow the dog for an hour?”
He responds, “Get in line!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ubp77/tom_was_walking_down_the_street_when_he_sees_a/
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I just love blind prostitutes....

I mean, you've gotta hand it to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ubllj/i_just_love_blind_prostitutes/
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What do you call a nun in space?

Virgin Galactic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ubivd/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_space/
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I'm the only child in my family.

My mom said she learns from her mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ubhlo/im_the_only_child_in_my_family/
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A man goes to see his priest.

"Father I'm getting audited by the IRS and I don't know what to do.  My accountant tells me to dress modestly but my lawyer tells me to dress to the nines and wear my most expensive watch to show I'm not afraid. "
"Son, this reminds me of a girl that her mother told her to dress in a gown that covered her from her neck to her toes in her wedding night.  But her best friend and maid of honor told her to dress in a see through teddy and garters"
" Father, what does that have to do with me?"
"It doesn't matter how you dress you're going to get fucked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ubgjf/a_man_goes_to_see_his_priest/
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I hate my job at the crematorium

But at last I urn a paycheck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ubdhr/i_hate_my_job_at_the_crematorium/
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A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog stand...

and says "Make me one with everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ub8qo/a_buddhist_goes_up_to_a_hot_dog_stand/
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Where does Phil Collins record all of his music?

The stu-stu-studio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ub89d/where_does_phil_collins_record_all_of_his_music/
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Friends from school are like hot dogs

You have them because they're there, not because you love them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ub6hg/friends_from_school_are_like_hot_dogs/
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Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats.
The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"
Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."
The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.
The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"
The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ub66q/two_guys_from_michigan_die_and_wake_up_in_hell/
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What do women in the Middle East and Millennials have in common?

If they go to college, they'll probably get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ub4ho/what_do_women_in_the_middle_east_and_millennials/
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I don't know how I feel about masturbation anymore...

On one hand, it's pretty good. On the other hand, it's a little awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ub2dp/i_dont_know_how_i_feel_about_masturbation_anymore/
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BLONDE FLIGHT ATTENDANT

The flight crew all showed up on time, all except for one brand-new stewardess. They called the hotel and she answered the phone, sobbing. “I can’t get out of my room,” she cried. “What... Why not? There are only three doors in this room. One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other way has a sign hanging on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb'.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ub1yo/blonde_flight_attendant/
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Your Majesty, the peasants are revolting!

I know, I wish they would wash..!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ub1ot/your_majesty_the_peasants_are_revolting/
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While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."

Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uazsk/while_sitting_on_the_couch_my_wife_said_i_feel/
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What do the Zika virus and Catholic priests have in common?

They both give kids a little head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uazqp/what_do_the_zika_virus_and_catholic_priests_have/
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Manatees

A Spanish sailor and a French sailor are talking at a port bar together. The French sailor tells the Spanish sailor that he's been hearing stories of mermaids from the English sailors. The Spanish sailor says that mermaids are just a myth and the English just mistook manatees for mermaids. The French sailor asks how could you mistake a manatee for a mermaid? The Spanish sailor responds "Have you seen English women?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uaz0h/manatees/
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A Rabbi and a Priest...

..are walking down the road, they spot a little boy sitting on the side of the road playing with his toy cars...
the priest looks at the rabbi and says "hey....see that little boy? lets fuck him..."
The rabbi raises an eyebrow at the priest "Out of what, he has nothing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uaw7p/a_rabbi_and_a_priest/
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A man claimed he could jump higher than his house...

A man was talking to his friend and he said, "Dude, I bet $20 that I can jump higher than my house." His friend replied, "Ok, deal."
They went outside and the man jumped a foot into the air. "Well, time to pay up!" said his friend. "Nope!", the man said, "You owe me $20!" "How?" "I jumped a foot in the air, and my house can't jump at all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uauhl/a_man_claimed_he_could_jump_higher_than_his_house/
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The bad weather kept my friend Edward from going to work today

He's Snowden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uau5j/the_bad_weather_kept_my_friend_edward_from_going/
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Tips for inner peace

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Pinot Noir, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kaluha, a packet of Penguins, the remainder of bottle of Xanax, Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how good I feel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uatyd/tips_for_inner_peace/
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This joke makes me uncomfortable

A black dad and his son are flying on a plane. Halfway through the flight, the pilot announces that an engine has stopped working and they will be dropping all luggage in order to land safely. The dad squeezes the boys hand and reassures him.
Minutes later, the pilot gets back on the speaker to say another engine has blown and that people will have to start jumping from the plane to save the rest. The pilot says the fairest thing to do is go in alphabetical order.
"Ok...A...all African Americans jump off the plane." The boy looks up at his dad but the dad says nothing and doesn't move.
"Ok...B...all Blacks jump off the plane." Again...father does nothing.
"Ok...C...all coloureds jump off the plane." At this point, the boy is scared and doesn't understand why his dad isn't moving!!
"Dad...I think they are talking about us? What do we do?"
"Ok..son..listen. ..today we are n****ers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uatxx/this_joke_makes_me_uncomfortable/
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If Apple made a car...

Would it have windows?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uat63/if_apple_made_a_car/
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An 80 year old man goes into a brothel..

Picks out a young pretty woman, they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.  The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free. He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute nap, and while I'm asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker.".  She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before.  The girl is amazed at the old man's stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he'll need a 20 minute nap and she'll have to hold his cock while he's asleep;  she does as he asks,  he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.
The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man "I can understand why you need the nap, but why do I have to hold your dick while you're sleeping?"  The old man replies "Oh, that's just so you don't steal my wallet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uarm6/an_80_year_old_man_goes_into_a_brothel/
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The police seem to be making up the law as they go along

I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.
Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uanhb/the_police_seem_to_be_making_up_the_law_as_they/
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What has got 8 legs and 1 eye?

2 chairs and a half of a fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uammv/what_has_got_8_legs_and_1_eye/
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Clinton is so crooked...

She needs a Kaine for support.
(Credit to: /u/medically)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ual8a/clinton_is_so_crooked/
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only plastic wrap for shorts...

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uaki1/a_guy_walks_into_the_psychiatrist_wearing_only/
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A man asks his wife "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She said "I don't like to call you at work".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uakdf/a_man_asks_his_wife_why_dont_you_tell_me_when_you/
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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed in the least.......... Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uak36/the_other_night_i_was_invited_out_for_a_night/
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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uajrb/an_artist_asked_the_gallery_owner_if_there_had/
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Treating testicular cancer..

takes balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uaj74/treating_testicular_cancer/
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What's the difference between a gun and a feminist?

A gun only has one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uaixh/whats_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a_feminist/
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What do Pokemon Go and Tinder have in common?

Both give you a good chance of catching something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uabrw/what_do_pokemon_go_and_tinder_have_in_common/
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How I Nearly Became A Doctor

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters *PNEIS* into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ua9tt/how_i_nearly_became_a_doctor/
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An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds.

A pessimist fears that this is true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ua86u/an_optimist_believes_we_live_in_the_best_of_all/
%
What has 90 balls and screws old women?

Bingo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ua7yi/what_has_90_balls_and_screws_old_women/
%
Have you ever wondered why Aspirin is white?

It's because it works!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ua7o4/have_you_ever_wondered_why_aspirin_is_white/
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Did you hear about the guy with no penis?

He just comes out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ua6ny/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_no_penis/
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The Russian army orders 100K rubbers from a US company, specifying 12" fit needed.

The US firm fills the order with packaging marked "MEDIUM."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ua5yr/the_russian_army_orders_100k_rubbers_from_a_us/
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A politician is trying to get a horse's vote.

So he promises the horse a stable economy.
But it wasn't good enough so the horse said nay.
So the politician promises the horse that he won't bale out the banks anymore.
The horse still said nay.
"What more do you want from me" said the politician
and horse said "I don't know how to end a joke"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ua5tq/a_politician_is_trying_to_get_a_horses_vote/
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For twenty years my wife and I were very happy people...

...then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ua32i/for_twenty_years_my_wife_and_i_were_very_happy/
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Apple recently created a more child-friendly iTouch.

It's called the iTouch-Kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9xrh/apple_recently_created_a_more_childfriendly_itouch/
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An idea for a TV series

It's all about a young Irishman who makes his living collecting seaweed and herbs along the shores of Galway Bay, and his adventures as he travels to all the local town markets to sell them.
Working title: "Duffy the Samphire Purveyor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9x9d/an_idea_for_a_tv_series/
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How to catch a bear

Note: Best when told aloud
First you have to go some place cold, where bears live. Find an ice lake and make a big hole in it, deep enough to where a bear could not escape. Then you go to the store and buy some frozen peas. Scatter the peas all around the hole and then hide near the hole. Now you just wait until a bear comes to take a pea and you kick him in the ice hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9ugm/how_to_catch_a_bear/
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A pedophile was taking a small child into the woods at night....

The kid say, "These woods are really scary".
The pedophile replies with, "You're telling me, iv'e got to walk out of here alone".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9uag/a_pedophile_was_taking_a_small_child_into_the/
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I'd make a joke about Jonestown...

But the punch line is too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9u9z/id_make_a_joke_about_jonestown/
%
Three men were married to girls from different parts of the world.

The first man married a girl from Sweden. He told her that she must do the housework. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see the house clean.
The second man married a girl from Thailand. He told her that she must do the housework and have his dinner fixed promptly at 6pm every day. On the first and second days, he didn't see any results, but on the third day he came home and found his dinner on the table, and the house was immaculate.
The third man married a girl from Canada. He told her he wanted her to do all the housework, keep the lawn mowed, do the laundry, and make sure he had a hot meal on the table three times a day. On the first day, he didn't see anything. On the second day, he still hadn't seen anything. By the third day, he could see a little bit out of his left eye, he could load the dishwasher, and make himself a sandwhich. To this day, he still has some difficulty peeing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9u47/three_men_were_married_to_girls_from_different/
%
What's the difference between Hitler and Trump?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9swt/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_trump/
%
My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9srf/my_neighbourhood_barber_just_got_arrested_for/
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Grandpa was summoned for an audit..

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9rne/grandpa_was_summoned_for_an_audit/
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My wife caught me crossdressing..

So I packed her things and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9qzn/my_wife_caught_me_crossdressing/
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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

IT'S BEEN DECADES, SOMEONE TELL ME FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9qtc/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_in_suspense/
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A little boy and his father are walking in a cemetery

...and come across a gravestone that reads "here lies a lawyer and a good man"
The boy asks his father "Dad, why did they bury 2 men in 1 grave?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9pq6/a_little_boy_and_his_father_are_walking_in_a/
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The engineer that went to hell.

One day an engineer died and went to hell. He was a good Christian man who never sinned but Saint Peter made a mistake and accidentally sent him to hell.
In hell the engineer thought to himself, "gee, it sure is hot in here", and so he built some air-conditioning.
Then he thought, "I sure am thirsty", and built a brewery and started making beer.
Later God and Saint Peter were reviewing the list of people who had died recently and God noticed that Peter had sent the engineer to hell by mistake. So God goes down to hell and finds Satan relaxing in a recliner chair with the AC on and a beer in his hand. God says to Satan, "Hey Satan, Peter sent an engineer down here by mistake, do you mind if I take him up to heaven where he belongs?" Satan replies, "I wondered about that. No, I think I'll keep him." God says, "What?! You can't do that, he belongs in heaven".
"Nah, I like him, I'm going to keep him".
"You can't do that! I'll... I'll sue!"
And Satan says, "Please, where are you going to find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9p2o/the_engineer_that_went_to_hell/
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A psychiatrist goes to the lunatic asylum...

...to check up on one of his patients.
He walks into his patient's room and sees the patient's roommate, sitting on the floor reading a book.
The Psychiatrist asks the room-mate "where is your friend I need to check up on him?"
At which point the roommate points up to the ceiling and says "he's been hanging upside down from that wire all day, he thinks he's a light bulb today"
The psychiatrist says "ok, can you please have him come down because I need to interview him".
The roommate replies:  But then I'll have to read in the dark?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9k94/a_psychiatrist_goes_to_the_lunatic_asylum/
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Never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp.

She's thick and tired of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9hrp/never_make_fun_of_a_fat_girl_with_a_lisp/
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Angry Mother in Law

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried down- stairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9hqu/angry_mother_in_law/
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Wanna hear a joke about overdosing on cocaine?

I can't remember all of it, but the last line's a killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9h1y/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_overdosing_on_cocaine/
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Man Has Six Children

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9g30/man_has_six_children/
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What do you call a large pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9ffq/what_do_you_call_a_large_pile_of_kittens/
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Tough to be Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him.
Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9ddc/tough_to_be_irish/
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I can't believe I got arrested, just for indulging in a bit of horseplay.

Although the prosecutor is calling it 'bestiality'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9cxn/i_cant_believe_i_got_arrested_just_for_indulging/
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when i die i want my kids to carry my casket.

So they can let me down one more time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9coi/when_i_die_i_want_my_kids_to_carry_my_casket/
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Dad gets his daughter a new drum kit.

While she was practicing in her room, every time she did something wrong she shouted 'FUCK' or 'SHIT', and the more mistakes she made, the louder her playing becomes.
So this goes on for a while until her dad comes in and says "HEY..."
"Stop percussin'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9c3b/dad_gets_his_daughter_a_new_drum_kit/
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I hate spending time with my girlfriends family . . .

Her husband's getting suspicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u98ey/i_hate_spending_time_with_my_girlfriends_family/
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A frog goes into a bank...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $10000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $10000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u97tk/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
%
A bus full of disturbingly ugly people crashes...

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u95hj/a_bus_full_of_disturbingly_ugly_people_crashes/
%
A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding

...and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?"
The trooper responds,  "Troopers don't have balls, ma'am."
After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u95eq/a_state_trooper_pulls_over_a_car_for_speeding/
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How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u94qj/how_many_super_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Have you ever.....?

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?" "No", said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked "Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?""No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now" she said "Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?" "No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:"Good go look in the garage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u93td/have_you_ever/
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The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.

On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun.  "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains.  "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," says the proctor, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun.  "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains.  "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room.  After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes.  "I wanted to do it I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun.  "We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing.  Suddenly, all goes quiet.
The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u93gv/the_cia_has_three_candidates_two_men_and_a_woman/
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Three statisticians are out hunting.

Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The first statistician shoots, and hits the tree 5 feet to the left.
The second statistician shoots, and hits the tree 5 feet to the right.
The third statistician jumps up and down, yelling "We got him!  We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u9284/three_statisticians_are_out_hunting/
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So there's this redditor that says part of the joke in the title

,
then repeats it for no goddamn reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8y9d/so_theres_this_redditor_that_says_part_of_the/
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What's the best way to turn a pussy into a dick?

Give it a badge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8x0k/whats_the_best_way_to_turn_a_pussy_into_a_dick/
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A young couple on their way to their wedding

get into a car crash and die. They both arrive before the pearly gates where they are met by St. Peter. They ask him.
"Is it possible to get married in Heaven?"
"Wait here while I find out" says St. Peter and leaves. The young couple is starting to have doubts about the whole thing, "What if we lose that chemistry?" "What if we start arguing?" "What if one of us wants to divorce?". After three months, St. Peter comes back and says,
"Yes, you can go ahead and get married"
"Just one quick question" says the groom, "We've given this a few thoughts. What if we suddenly lose that spark, can we divorce?"
St. Peter suddenly gets all livid.
"Look" he retorts angrily, "It took me three fucking months to find a priest, and now you want me to find a fucking lawyer in Heaven?!?!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8v7k/a_young_couple_on_their_way_to_their_wedding/
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A Higgs boson walks into a church...

The priest says, "We don't allow Higgs bosons in here."
The Higgs boson replies, "But without me, how can you have mass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8ut5/a_higgs_boson_walks_into_a_church/
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What happens when you leave 50 lesbians and 50 lawyers in a room?

You end up with 100 people who don't do dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8si2/what_happens_when_you_leave_50_lesbians_and_50/
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What did the Mexican gang member say when two large houses fell on him during an earthquake?

Get off me, homes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8sg7/what_did_the_mexican_gang_member_say_when_two/
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An old man goes to the gym...

An old man goes to the gym and asks a trainer, "I want to impress young beautiful girls. What's the best machine I can use?"
The trainer responds, "The ATM"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8rrj/an_old_man_goes_to_the_gym/
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iBoob

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8r8r/iboob/
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The United Nations is like a black father

You know it exists but it's just never there when you need it .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8puu/the_united_nations_is_like_a_black_father/
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My next door neighbour just confronted me about her clothes going missing from the washing line ..

I nearly shit her pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8poj/my_next_door_neighbour_just_confronted_me_about/
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A skeleton goes into a bar,

orders a beer and a mop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8pdt/a_skeleton_goes_into_a_bar/
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Two hunters are in the woods when one falls to the ground

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other calls 911 and gasps "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a shot is heard.
The hunter's voice comes back on the line "ok, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8oqs/two_hunters_are_in_the_woods_when_one_falls_to/
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What is the difference between a bag of cocaine and a toddler?

Eric Clapton won't let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8oiu/what_is_the_difference_between_a_bag_of_cocaine/
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TIFU by sleeping with a guy for the first time

I'm a 27 year old Lesbian, and I've always thought I'm just a lesbian. I figured it out when I was about 13, and since then I've never really been attracted to boys at all. I've never ever been interested in boys or having a relationship with one. I have many guy friends, but I've never been sexually attracted to any of them in any sense of the word, or any male really.
I've always been attracted to women. I'd walk down the street, I'd see a woman, and I'd in my head imagine being with her for a night. I'm really shy about it, and I never talk about sexuality in open, except with my partner, since I'm really, really shy about it. But I am a very sexual person towards women, I think about almost every woman I come in contact with who is moderately attractive. I was in a relationship with a girl for the past 5 years. I really loved her, I thought we were going to be together forever, I really did. Over the past year things started to get bumpy, and she really began changing.
Her personality changed and she wasn't the girl I fell in love with. She was sometimes becoming really violent and abusive, and the next day would be very meek and apologetic, and then would go back to being angry. I couldn't deal with her anymore, it reached a certain point where I felt... I just didn't care for her anymore as a person. This was going on for a year so when we decided to break up, it was so clear this was what had to happen. She wanted to still 'stay friends'. I was struggling to hold back the tears, but many came through.
I refused, I said no, it was over, no friends, no nothing, we're through. She got angry, said some really nasty things, I got scared a little, but then it was over. I was just left with my tears. The next few days were terrible, I would spend a lot of the time crying. And this is when it happened. I have one friend, he's really close, he's probably one of my best friends. He's a straight guy, but he's also 22, so he's much younger than me. He knows I'm lesbian and has always been there for me, we've known each other for maybe 2 years, 2 and a half years. We haven't known each other that long, but our friendship flourished from the get-go.
There was never any romantic tension or sexual sparks between us, he knew I was strictly into women and respected that. We were together at my home, we were talking. When I say we, it was mostly me. I was just going on and on about her, and what she meant to me, and how she hurt me. He kept reassuring me that I did the right decision because she was becoming borderline abusive, but I had convinced myself that I still loved her. He was telling me I shouldn't do this to myself, and I deserve much better. I was the one who initiated it, it was all me. I don't know what came over me.
He was sitting on the couch, and I pressed forward with him, trying to come on to him, trying to kiss him. He was at first resistant and was unsure of what I was doing, he said "what are you doing" "are you sure, you want this." I told him "please, this is what I want", and then he went with it too. I then led him up to the bedroom in my house, things started getting heated and suddenly he asked for some money! I quickly looked again and realized he was an extinct reptile from the Mesozoic era and I was like "Damnit Loch Ness monster! I ain't givin you no treefiddy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8n4w/tifu_by_sleeping_with_a_guy_for_the_first_time/
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I knew Donald Trump was a bro as soon as I knew his taste in music.

We both love The Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8m4d/i_knew_donald_trump_was_a_bro_as_soon_as_i_knew/
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What's the difference between Hitler and Keemstar?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8li7/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_keemstar/
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How does an Australian call his friend from the Czech Republic?

Czechmate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8i9t/how_does_an_australian_call_his_friend_from_the/
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what kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8grg/what_kind_of_meat_does_a_priest_eat_on_fridays/
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Marine biologists were baffled by why Jaws would always swim away after chomping off swimmers' legs.

Turns out he's lack toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8cxo/marine_biologists_were_baffled_by_why_jaws_would/
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Answer: Wicker Chair

Question: What did Elmer Fudd do when Jennifer Lawrence stood up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u8b4b/answer_wicker_chair/
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My Dad told me to fuck both of you...

A dad and his son are in the living room when, when the dad's feet get cold.
"Get my slippers from upstairs". Asked the dad.
While upstairs, the son sees two of his sister's friends, so he goes up to both of them.
"My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you". He said.
"You're lying!" They bellowed.
"OK, I will prove it. Dad, did you say both of them?" Asked the son.
"What's the point of fucking one?" Replied the dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u89st/my_dad_told_me_to_fuck_both_of_you/
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Ghostly photos...

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.
When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.
"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.
Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.
Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.
He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence.
"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u885y/ghostly_photos/
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A mother was getting out of the shower when her young son walked in...

He pointed at the area between her legs and said, "Mommy, what's that?"
Embarrassed, she replied, "That's where the Indian hit me with his tomahawk."
The young boy replied, "Wow, right in the cunt?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u860j/a_mother_was_getting_out_of_the_shower_when_her/
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen...

...listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the fuck off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train.
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours and think about what you've done.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you pissed about the two hour delay, please see the cunt in the kitchen!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u85vj/a_few_days_after_christmas_a_mother_was_working/
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What do you get when you vaporize a king?

A noble gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u84x3/what_do_you_get_when_you_vaporize_a_king/
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Why do Jews have big noses?

Why not? Air is free anyway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u84dk/why_do_jews_have_big_noses/
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Two gay guys were having sex and then the phone rings..

The first guy goes to answer the phone and tells his partner, "Hey. Don't finish yourself until I get back."
After returning from the phone call, there is cum all over the wall of the bedroom. The first guy says "Jesus, Chris, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!"
The second guy turns to him and says, "I didn't, I farted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u84a1/two_gay_guys_were_having_sex_and_then_the_phone/
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I just saw that Harry Potter film. I think its a bit unrealistic if you ask me..

I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? How?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u83zv/i_just_saw_that_harry_potter_film_i_think_its_a/
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This morning I ran into Hitler. I was very surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to?

He said "This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!"
"Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?"
"See? Nobody cares about zee Jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u833j/this_morning_i_ran_into_hitler_i_was_very/
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I hate Mexican jokes...

They always cross the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u81uy/i_hate_mexican_jokes/
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Met a woman with 12 boobs last night...

Sounds unbelievable dozen tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u7zsz/met_a_woman_with_12_boobs_last_night/
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"Mickey Mouse, you want to divorce Minnie cause she was... extremely silly?"

"No, I said she was fucking Goofy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u7yi6/mickey_mouse_you_want_to_divorce_minnie_cause_she/
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When life gives you melons...

You're probably dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u7v6r/when_life_gives_you_melons/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves you and never comes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u7uk1/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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A woman must walk 5 paces behind...

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u7tty/a_woman_must_walk_5_paces_behind/
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A young boy enters a barber shop....

...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u7s5v/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
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Pessimist: This can't get any worse.

Optimist: Yes it can!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u7quk/pessimist_this_cant_get_any_worse/
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There wasn't any toilet paper, so I had to use the weekly to wipe my buttocks.

Sorry about the shitty news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u7qcn/there_wasnt_any_toilet_paper_so_i_had_to_use_the/
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u7lz4/a_woman_brought_a_very_limp_duck_into_a_vet/
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A muslim guy greeted his friend on an airplane. They were both detained.

His friend named Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u7f2l/a_muslim_guy_greeted_his_friend_on_an_airplane/
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2 lawyers are walking back from lunch

When a stunningly beautiful young woman passes them, they turn and admire her from behind, then one says to the other "Man, I'd really love to screw her."  His associate asks "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u7d3f/2_lawyers_are_walking_back_from_lunch/
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I'm black, and I really hate it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. I guess some old habits never die...

White man always leavin' me hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u7crh/im_black_and_i_really_hate_it_when_my_white/
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I was on a date with a girl at the cinema.

We both put our hands into the popcorn at the same time, so to make it less awkward, I said, "Don't worry, that's not the one I masturbate with."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u7b2i/i_was_on_a_date_with_a_girl_at_the_cinema/
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TIL the word "Muppet" is a combination of "marionette" and "puppet".

It's like how the word "mobster" is a combination of "man" and "lobster".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u781e/til_the_word_muppet_is_a_combination_of/
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There are three types of people in the world.

Those who can count.
Those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u77ul/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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How do they practice safe sex in Scotland?

They brand the sheep that kick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u76rk/how_do_they_practice_safe_sex_in_scotland/
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I went to the store to buy 50ft of rope.

The guy at the store said "This spool of rope is on clearance for only $2. It's 500ft long."
"Nah man" I said "I hate long good buys."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u74lo/i_went_to_the_store_to_buy_50ft_of_rope/
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What has TWO wings, and ONE arrow?

A Chinese telephone.
Wing wing.  Arrow?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u73u0/what_has_two_wings_and_one_arrow/
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I don't understand the purpose of smooth objects.

I mean, there's no point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u719q/i_dont_understand_the_purpose_of_smooth_objects/
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The secret to ice fishing...

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line.
It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6zo8/the_secret_to_ice_fishing/
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I'd Like to Make A Pun About Weed, But...

I don't want to be blunt about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6y4i/id_like_to_make_a_pun_about_weed_but/
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Why did the pig stop sunbathing?

He was bacon in the heat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6wbb/why_did_the_pig_stop_sunbathing/
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I was caught by police with illegal possession of drugs

When then officer caught me I exclaimed that it wasn't my fault because whenever I would flush them down the toilet they would magically reappear into my pocket
The police officer chuckled and said he didn't believe me
So I asked if I could show him, which he allowed me to
So I flush the drugs down the toilet but then the officer asks me to reach into my pocket and show him the drugs which where meant to reappear
I replied with; "what drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6vlq/i_was_caught_by_police_with_illegal_possession_of/
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whoever tells the biggest lie

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6sdm/whoever_tells_the_biggest_lie/
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What's yellow and sleeps alone?

Yoko Ono

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6sda/whats_yellow_and_sleeps_alone/
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A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Sheik....

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Sheik walk into a bar. The bar tender looks at them and frowns, saying, "I'm sorry but their is nothing i can give you men."
"But why?" asks the Sheik.
"Well i know men in your religion don't do not drink," answered the bartender.
The Sheik shrugs and begins to leave.
"And why not me?" asked the priest, "I drink wine everyday."
"This is a bar," the bartender countered, "you will find no children here."
In a huff the priest marched out mumbling under his breath.
...
As the three men caught up with each other they noticed that the Rabbi had left with them without a word to the bartender. The Sheik asked him, "Why did you leave, the bartender said nothing to you?"
the Rabbi paused for a moment and said, "Well if nether of you schmuck are paying....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6sc6/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_sheik/
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The Devil's Island

Three fishermen get stranded on the Devil's island. The Devil tells each fisherman to bring him a fruit from the island. When each of men bring back their fruit, The Devil says, "you will stick your fruit up your butt, and if you make any facial expressions you go to hell, but if you don't  you go to heaven." The first fisherman brings back a banana. He begins to stick the banana up his butt and winces in pain. The Devil sends him to hell. The second fisherman brought 30 grapes. When he gets the the 29th grape he starts laughing uncontrollably. The Devil asks "why'd you laugh? You were doing so well!"
The second fisherman replies, "The next guy brought back a watermelon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6r58/the_devils_island/
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Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6qsn/did_you_know_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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Prom date

So a boy is going to take his girlfriend to prom.
He decides he needs to get a limo,a tux, and flowers.
He goes to a place to rent limos and the line takes about 5 hours but he finally tents one for him and his girlfriend.
After that, he goes to the tux place and the line takes about 3 hours but he finally rents the tux.
The last thing he needs is some flowers and that line takes about 2 hours but he finally buys the flowers.
The boy got everything he needed and now him and his girlfriend are having a blast at prom but she tells him she wants something to drink, so he goes to get some punch and there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6pf8/prom_date/
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Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so damn good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6onz/why_dont_you_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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Everyone knows Bob.

Fred and his friend Bob walked into town one day.
"Hey Bob!" one woman said in passing.
"Lovely day, isn't it Bob?" said the next man that passed.
After the third and fourth person to pass had all greeted Bob, Fred felt compelled to say something.
"You sure seem to know a lot of people Bob" said Fred.
"Everyone knows me." said Bob.
Fred laughs. "Everyone? Hah, not everyone can know you!" Fred says with a chuckle.
"Really, ill show you" Bob says confidently.
Fred and Bob traveled to the mayor's house. Upon arrival the doors open wide and the mayor steps out.
"Bob!" the mayor exclaims enthusiastically.
"I don't believe it!" says Fred "The mayor must know lots of people though."
"Okay... Cmon" says Bob.
Bob takes Fred to the White House. The security guards and secret service agents simply nod and step to the side for Bob. Fred is in disbelief. Bob and Fred walk straight into the oval office. Fred's jaw gapes as he sets eyes upon the president!
"Bob! What's new?" says the president.
"Okay, this is impressive, but not EVERYBODY can know you Bob," says Fred.
"Okay... Come with me" says Bob.
Bob and Fred Fly to Italy and head directly for the Vatican. Standing outside of the Vatican a crowd begins to form.
"Wait here," Bob says.
Moments later, Bob emerges on the balcony of the Vatican with none other than the Pope! The crowd begins cheering loudly!
Looking off the balcony, Bob could see that Fred had fainted. Bob quickly rushed to him. Bob arrived at Fred's side just as he was regaining consciousness.
"I guess you were pretty shocked that the Pope knows me!" said Bob.
"It wasn't that..." said Fred, "when you two came out on the balcony, the guy behind me said 'whos that with Bob?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6nnc/everyone_knows_bob/
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How is a good criminal defense lawyer like a dead hooker?

I use them both to get off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6mhe/how_is_a_good_criminal_defense_lawyer_like_a_dead/
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What does ISIS and a great joke have in common?

A great execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6kqv/what_does_isis_and_a_great_joke_have_in_common/
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What does a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky have in common?

They both say "Insert Bill Here"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6jjr/what_does_a_vending_machine_and_monica_lewinsky/
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The cannibal nervously decided to try his first human meal

Much to his dismay, he got cold feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6in1/the_cannibal_nervously_decided_to_try_his_first/
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Why were the people in the Twin Towers disappointed on 9/11?

They ordered 2 pepperoni pizzas, but all they got were 2 large plains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6h6p/why_were_the_people_in_the_twin_towers/
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A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.
Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in". When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, Are you the people that broke the window?
Uh yeah, we're very sorry about that, the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can do."
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name" the genie said.
"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both thirty-five," she responded breathlessly.
"No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u69vh/a_couple_went_golfing_one_day_at_a_very_exclusive/
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I like my women the way I like my wine...

9 years old and locked in my cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u67sx/i_like_my_women_the_way_i_like_my_wine/
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I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.

I never found it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u6610/i_found_girl_lying_on_railroad_tracks_i_untied/
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Hillary's so crooked...

she needs a Kaine for support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u62dv/hillarys_so_crooked/
%
An art thief gets caught after a heist, how so?

Many people saw his Van Gogh from the scene of the crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u61vl/an_art_thief_gets_caught_after_a_heist_how_so/
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I thought up a color that doesn't exist...

It's just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u60by/i_thought_up_a_color_that_doesnt_exist/
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Two men golfing...

Two older male best friends are going golfing and get stuck behind two women playing slower. They start to get frustrated and think about what to do.
The first friend tells the other to go and ask if they can play through, and so the second man heads down the fairway.
He gets halfway to the women, stops, turns around and heads back to his friend.
"I can't go talk to those two!! That's my wife, playing a round of golf with my mistress!!"
The first guy laughs and says, "It can't get much worse so we'll just stay behind."
But the women are playing so slow that finally the first man gets fed up and says "Fuck it, I'll go ask if we can play through"
He heads down the fairway, gets halfway to the women and then he also stops and turns around to head back to his friend.
He gets back up to his buddy and says, "Hey man, small world!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5ura/two_men_golfing/
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I really hate those russian stacking dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5ufg/i_really_hate_those_russian_stacking_dolls/
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What did one DNA say to the other DNA?

Do these genes make me look fat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5rxj/what_did_one_dna_say_to_the_other_dna/
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Police have been playing Pokemon Go for many years.

"Gotta catch Jamal"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5p7f/police_have_been_playing_pokemon_go_for_many_years/
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What makes for a great relationship but a shit gaming partner?

Someone who goes down a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5ozy/what_makes_for_a_great_relationship_but_a_shit/
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Did you hear about the pig who saved a man's life?

There was this guy who was starving to death...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5ndm/did_you_hear_about_the_pig_who_saved_a_mans_life/
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What's six inches long, has two nuts, and gives women big bellies?

Almond Joy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5m1t/whats_six_inches_long_has_two_nuts_and_gives/
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I was worried about the price of bread in India

But then I realized it's a naan issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5ibv/i_was_worried_about_the_price_of_bread_in_india/
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Man walks into a bar

Says to the bartender "let me get a bottle of anything that's not vodka."
Bartender says "why not vodka?"
Man replies "well I drank a whole bottle of that last night and blew chunks."
Bartender says "drink a whole bottle of anything and you'll throw up."
Man says "no you don't understand, chunks is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5iaq/man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A horse walks into a bar

The bartender asks "why the long face?" The horse unable to understand human speech promptly takes a dump on the floor and leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5hpm/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Today, I was trapped on my horse and was surrounded by lions, dragons, and many other animals.

I got off the carousel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5eac/today_i_was_trapped_on_my_horse_and_was/
%
I'm not excel-ent in my job

but at least .. I know my sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5c1z/im_not_excelent_in_my_job/
%
I Masturbated so well last night

That when i woke up this morning my dick was in the kitchen making me breakfast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5azy/i_masturbated_so_well_last_night/
%
Why don't you ever see any Muslim methheads?

They all just get stoned instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5aqf/why_dont_you_ever_see_any_muslim_methheads/
%
A man has an extreme headache...

...and after a few agonizing days he decides to go to the doctor to see what's wrong with him.
"Well I have terrible news" says the doctor "you have a very odd condition where your spine is constricting your testicles. If you don't remove your testicles your headache will never go away."
Obviously the man is crushed but he knows he can't live with that amount of pain so he has the procedure. Depressed, the man decides to treat himself to a fancy suit so he goes to the finest tailor in the whole city.
"I'd like to buy a suit."
"Size 41?"
"Yes how did you know?"
"It's my job." replies the tailor "How about some shoes?"
"Oh yes."
"Size 10 right?"
"Wow you're really good at your job. Yes"
"Ok what about some pants? Size 36?"
Impressed the man says "Yes please."
"Ok now how about some boxers? Size 36?"
"Uhm no, I usually wear a size 34."
"That's impossible" says the tailor "If you wore a size 34 your testicles would become constricted and you would have a terrible headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5af1/a_man_has_an_extreme_headache/
%
Why does Santa have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u57l0/why_does_santa_have_such_a_big_sack/
%
What's the first thing the cannibal did after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u56af/whats_the_first_thing_the_cannibal_did_after_he/
%
What did the pope say when he spilled the sacramental wine?

Do we have any papal towels?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u53x8/what_did_the_pope_say_when_he_spilled_the/
%
The Gorilla at the Alabama Zoo

A small zoo in Alabama obtains a rare female gorilla. The gorilla soon becomes very agitated, throwing tantrums in it's cage and becoming hostile. The zoo keeper believes the gorilla is in heat and looking for a mate, but there are no male gorillas on the premises.
The zoo keeper, desperate to keep the gorilla calm for the visitors, approaches this redneck janitor and asks, "would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?"
"Yeah but on 3 conditions," says the janitor. "The first condition is I don't want to kiss her. The second condition is I don't want any of the other workers or my friends and family to find out about this." The zoo keeper agrees to that, but asks "what's the third condition?"
The janitor replies, "Well, I'll need a little time to come up with the $500"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u5347/the_gorilla_at_the_alabama_zoo/
%
My wife and I were lying in bed the other day...

My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.
I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."
She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u503a/my_wife_and_i_were_lying_in_bed_the_other_day/
%
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Halfway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u4xmx/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
What do you do if a gang of clowns attack you?

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u4qo1/what_do_you_do_if_a_gang_of_clowns_attack_you/
%
It's all a matter of taste

Two cannibals are eating a Clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u4ok1/its_all_a_matter_of_taste/
%
I had a vasectomy today, and my wife keeps asking how I feel...

I've had to tell her over and over that it's not that bad, and that I don't notice much of a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u4nge/i_had_a_vasectomy_today_and_my_wife_keeps_asking/
%
How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u4h92/how_does_stephen_hawking_have_sex/
%
The Bartender's Challenge

A man enters a bar and walks right up to the counter.
As he's about to order a drink, he notices a huge glass jar, absolutely stuffed with $20s.
The man asks the bartender, "Hey, what's this, a tip jar or something?"
The bartender responds with a smile, "We have a little challenge here, been going on for a while. It's $20 to enter, you keep everything if you win. Want to hear it?"
The man nods.
"There are three parts to this challenge," the bartender says, setting a jar of peppers on the counter.
"First, you have to eat every pepper in this jar without stopping."
"Second, there's an angry dog out back with a sore tooth. Get it out for him."
"Third, there's an old woman upstairs who's never been with anyone. You need to give her something to remember."
The man gulps, but looks back at the money and decides to take the risk. He hands over a $20 and sets to work.
The first thing the man does is order a bottle of whiskey, thinking alcohol will numb the heat of the peppers. He downs the entire bottle.
The now-drunk man staggers back to the jar of peppers, and begins to eat. Tears run down his face and his eyes burn, but he refuses to make a face.
Through a whiskey-addled haze the man realizes he has completed the first part of the challenge. He gives a victory hiccup and stumbles outside to the angry dog.
From inside, the patrons begin to hear a loud commotion outside.
First shouting, then screaming, then crying can be heard.
Finally, the man stumbles back inside, clothes torn and bleeding from a few places.
"Aaaalright," he slurs.
"Where's that old woman with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u4f78/the_bartenders_challenge/
%
What's the difference between your dad and this joke?

This joke will be back someday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u4drl/whats_the_difference_between_your_dad_and_this/
%
Islam...

... is a religion of peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u4ame/islam/
%
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u497g/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_the_stairs/
%
Jack the lad at work came out with this one today... What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u48e4/jack_the_lad_at_work_came_out_with_this_one_today/
%
Furniture

A blonde walks into a department store and tells the salesman, "Hi, I'm looking to buy a sexual sofa."
The salesman, at first confused, suggests, "Oh, ma'am you must mean a *sectional* sofa, right?"
The blonde replies, "No I'm pretty sure it's a sexual sofa, my husband said he'd like an occasional piece in the living room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u46x5/furniture/
%
"My bad" and "I'm sorry" mean the same thing

Unless you're at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u44jz/my_bad_and_im_sorry_mean_the_same_thing/
%
I masturbate with soap

Just thought i would come clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u42jl/i_masturbate_with_soap/
%
There's no "i"

in denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u41m8/theres_no_i/
%
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub...

...She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her & nicks her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u4137/a_black_man_takes_a_girl_home_from_a_nightclub/
%
A woman is checking out at the grocery store

She places her carton of eggs, half gallon of milk, and vegetables by the cash register.
The check-out guy looks at her groceries, then back to the woman, and says "you must be single, aren't you?"
The woman, surprised by the accurate prediction, says "oh! Could you tell that from what I was buying?"
"No, you're ugly as shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3zo5/a_woman_is_checking_out_at_the_grocery_store/
%
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3yrj/i_called_that_rape_advice_line_earlier_today/
%
My doctor says I have oppositional-defiant disorder.

But he's wrong, so fuck him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3ygd/my_doctor_says_i_have_oppositionaldefiant_disorder/
%
What is MASTURBATION for an anagramist?

it's nob trauma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3xsz/what_is_masturbation_for_an_anagramist/
%
Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day...

... The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".
To which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"
"Did you get a blow job?"
"Naw, I couldnt find her head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3x91/two_homeless_men_are_standing_around_bragging/
%
I once swore in an elevator.

It was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3x3b/i_once_swore_in_an_elevator/
%
A girl compliments a guy on his new phone.

Girl: 'Nice phone!'
Guy: ' Thanks! I won it in a race.'
Girl: ' Who were the participants?'
Guy: ' The owner, the cop and me. '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3th6/a_girl_compliments_a_guy_on_his_new_phone/
%
Islam is the religion of peace

a peace of you over here and a peace of you over there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3sh9/islam_is_the_religion_of_peace/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3qhp/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
What two words have the most letters?

Post office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3h5x/what_two_words_have_the_most_letters/
%
Lawyer Joke....

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3ff4/lawyer_joke/
%
At the post office....

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3f7u/at_the_post_office/
%
The Smuggler and the Border Agent

A border security agent is at his post when a truck approaches to cross the border. He asks the driver what he's carrying.
"Nothing, my truck is empty" replies the driver.
To make sure, the agent orders a search of the truck for smuggled goods. After looking in the back of the truck, he finds nothing, and waves the driver through.
One week later, the same man pulls up in a truck. Again, he claims that his truck is empty. The border agent gets a bit suspicious. He looks inside the truck. He looks underneath the truck. He looks on top of the truck. He even looks under the hood, but finds no contraband, and has to let him go.
A few days after that, the shady driver tries to cross the border again. By this point, the border agent is certain that he is smuggler, but has not been able to find any proof. He has a team of sniffer dogs search the truck. Nothing. He uses an X-ray scanner. Nothing. Infuriated, the agent has to let the driver go again.
This continues every week or so for years. The border agent is 100% convinced the driver is smuggling. Every time he makes a thorough search of his vehicle, but always comes up empty.
On the agent's last day before retiring, the suspicious driver arrives once again. The border agent just *has* to figure out the truth or it will haunt him forever. "This is my last day here," he says "I swear I won't arrest you. I know you have been sneaking something right under my nose for all these years. What are you smuggling?"
The driver smiles, "Trucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3f6j/the_smuggler_and_the_border_agent/
%
An Amish boy and his father...

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3cer/an_amish_boy_and_his_father/
%
A Juggler, and the Police...

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3bnq/a_juggler_and_the_police/
%
A blind man walks in to a department store

with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, but he notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.
Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.
Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"
The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3b7o/a_blind_man_walks_in_to_a_department_store/
%
Trump keeps talking about restoring "law and order."

I dunno about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u374v/trump_keeps_talking_about_restoring_law_and_order/
%
Pokemon GO is a blatant ripoff of another popular app...

called Tinder, where you also swipe to find monsters in your area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u3706/pokemon_go_is_a_blatant_ripoff_of_another_popular/
%
Boy: Why is the food so cold and bland?

Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u36f1/boy_why_is_the_food_so_cold_and_bland/
%
What do you call a horny Catholic?

A firm believer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u35vf/what_do_you_call_a_horny_catholic/
%
There are three fourth graders, a white boy, a black boy, and an asian boy. Who have the biggest dick?

The black kid. Cause he's 21.
People here get butthurt by the simplest jokes. Good lord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u30qv/there_are_three_fourth_graders_a_white_boy_a/
%
So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u30l7/so_the_american_peoples_choices_for_president/
%
An American, a Russian, and a British blonde are arguing over which country is best in terms of space travel

The Russian says "you Americans were not the first in space, ze Russians were! You capitalist pigs will never reach that milestone because we reached it first!"
The American answers "oh yeah? Well we were the first on the moon. You commies have never been to the moon, and you'll never get there!"
The British blonde says "That's nothing, the Brits will be the first to land on the sun!" The Russian and American both stop their own bickering and stare at the Brit. The American finally pipes up: "You can't do that, you'll burn up!"
The Brit replies "well duh, we're gonna do it at night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u30j3/an_american_a_russian_and_a_british_blonde_are/
%
Trump is a godsend

As in 1000 B.C. plague

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u2y39/trump_is_a_godsend/
%
What was the last line in Anne Frank's diary?

Just a moment, someone's knocking on the door..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u2xet/what_was_the_last_line_in_anne_franks_diary/
%
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport

.
"Thank you, honey", she says.
"What would you like me to bring back for you?"
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asks.
"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u2s7z/a_woman_has_to_go_to_italy_for_a_conference_so/
%
Did you hear about the six month old Ethiopian child?

He was having a mid life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u2qej/did_you_hear_about_the_six_month_old_ethiopian/
%
What do wheat, gluten, and Arkansas have in common?

They're all in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u2nb1/what_do_wheat_gluten_and_arkansas_have_in_common/
%
What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u2mct/what_do_green_eggs_and_ham_and_fifty_shades_of/
%
Trying to talk sense into a racist...

Is like trying to beat a Jew at hide and seek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u2lap/trying_to_talk_sense_into_a_racist/
%
What do a gynecologist and pizza delivery man have in common?

They both can smell it, just can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u2jbt/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_pizza_delivery_man/
%
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math.

His parents had tried
everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short,
everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took
Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the firstday, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his
face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room &
starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and
little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to
dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room
without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as
before.
This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to
understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home
his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room
and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her
surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her
curiosity.
She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the
nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then" , she
replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms,
WHAT was it?". Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day
of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they
weren't fooling around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u2hd1/little_tommy_was_doing_very_badly_in_math/
%
A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.
Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says:
"if i can guess how many sheep you have in your pack, can I have one?"
"fair deal" the shepherd says and the blonde guesses "457". The shepherd, really surprised about the ability of the girl, says "a deal is a deal, you guessed the right number, pick a sheep and you can keep it".
After the girl has picked her favourite of the pack, the shepherd says:
"if i can guess, which colour your hair had before you dyed it brown, can i get my dog back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u2fsa/a_blonde_girl/
%
How did the dickhead react to his first blowjob?

He was mind-blown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u29h5/how_did_the_dickhead_react_to_his_first_blowjob/
%
Is your refrigerator running?

Because if so, I might vote for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u28yt/is_your_refrigerator_running/
%
Why do we drink Tea?

because we can't eat it :/
Have a good night/day everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u28d2/why_do_we_drink_tea/
%
The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden, Luis says...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell!? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon!
Every imaginable kind of cured pork!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 feet, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath...
"Pepe... Go back man! You was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?!"
"Pepe..ees not a bacon tree. Ees..."
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...a ham bush...!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u23rj/the_bacon_tree/
%
What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u22wb/what_is_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
%
Yes, it is.

Is time travel possible?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u21gh/yes_it_is/
%
Two guys walk into a bar

You would think the second one would've ducked...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1zwv/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
why dont jewish people like getting made fun of?

Because millions of them already got roasted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1yqt/why_dont_jewish_people_like_getting_made_fun_of/
%
A businessman sits next to a blonde on a plane...

It's going to be a long flight so he turns to her and tries to make small talk, but she ignores him best she can. After trying several times, he finally says "It's going to be a long flight, we may as well get to know one another. Why don't we play a game?" She seems uninterested, so he makes it more interesting. "Tell you what" he says, "I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer, you give me five bucks. Then You can ask me a question and if I can't answer it, I'll give you fifty bucks." She shrugged her shoulders and reluctantly agrees. "Great!" the businessman exclaims. "You can go first." The blonde turns to him and asks, "What goes up a hill with four legs and comes down with five?" He scratches his head and begins thinking intently on the question. She pulls out her pillow and turns toward the window, dozing off. The businessman continues to wrack his brain, trying to think of the answer. He calls his office and puts his secretary on it. He also pulls out his laptop and googles the odd question; he can't seem to find anything. His secretary hasn't found anything either. The captain comes over the radio and announces that they will be landing shortly. The businessman gently nudges the blonde and reluctantly pulls a crisp fifty dollar bill out of his wallet. "This is the most ridiculous question I have ever heard." She takes the money, stuffs it in her purse, and turns back toward the window. "Hold on now!" cries the businessman. "It's my turn to ask a question." She turns back to him and he asks without hesitation, "What goes up a hill with four legs and comes down with five?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands him a five dollar bill, and turns back to the window to doze off again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1ue7/a_businessman_sits_next_to_a_blonde_on_a_plane/
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My other brother-in-law died.

He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1toq/my_other_brotherinlaw_died/
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A Man & an Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!''
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly.
The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1pj9/a_man_an_ostrich/
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what is common between a pregnant woman and a burned pizza ??

someone forgot to pull it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1odz/what_is_common_between_a_pregnant_woman_and_a/
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They used to be called "Jumpolines"

...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1npf/they_used_to_be_called_jumpolines/
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Blind man and a dog walk into a bar

A blind man and his service animal walk into a bar, the man grabs the dog by its tail and begins swinging it around in a wide circle.  The bartender, appalled by this display of animal cruelty says "What the HELL do you think you're doing mister?".  The blind man replies "Just having a look around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1nhh/blind_man_and_a_dog_walk_into_a_bar/
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Two Scotsmen walk past a baker

One turns to the other and says 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'
The other replies 'no you're right, it's a cake'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1kta/two_scotsmen_walk_past_a_baker/
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Two men are drinking in a bar...

The one man turns to the other and says, "Hey! I took your mom home last night and fucked her up the ass!"
The other man turns to him and says, "Go home Dad, you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1ksz/two_men_are_drinking_in_a_bar/
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A man and his dog walk into a bar...

...The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1iky/a_man_and_his_dog_walk_into_a_bar/
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An old Italian man and his three sons...

NSFW (Best if delivered in an eccentric Italian accent with all the gestures)
So this old Italian man has 3 sons, 2 of them quite fat and 1 skinny.
He asks his first son "a-Mario! Why you-a so fat?" Mario says "oh but-a papa, I like-a the linguini!" His papa say "but-a Mario! You take-a too big-a bite."
The old man asks his second son: "Luigi, why you-a so fat?" Luigi says "oh but-a papa, I like-a the rigatoni". His papa say "oh but Luigi, you take-a too big-a bite!"
Then he ask his third son, Zucchini: "Zucchini! How you stay-a so skinny?" Zucchini say "oh but-a papa, I only eat da pussy." "Da pussy, Zucchini? But dat-a taste like-a shit!"
And zucchini says "oh but-a papa! You take-a too biiig-a bite!"
From my uncle. Enjoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1fml/an_old_italian_man_and_his_three_sons/
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Apple is going to release the first smart vacuum cleaner this year

The first Apple product that doesn't suck
(not hating on apple or anything but i got this joke somewhere)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1cma/apple_is_going_to_release_the_first_smart_vacuum/
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What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?

They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1aqv/what_do_the_zika_virus_and_catholic_priests_have/
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How do you stop a black guy from jumping on a bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1a3l/how_do_you_stop_a_black_guy_from_jumping_on_a_bed/
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A black man and an autistic man walk into a bar

The autistic man orders a shot, but the black man gets it instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u1881/a_black_man_and_an_autistic_man_walk_into_a_bar/
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A zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?”

“Yes”, replied the master, “but with no attachments.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u12dn/a_zen_student_asked_his_master_is_it_okay_to_use/
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My first escort...

was a Ford

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u11g0/my_first_escort/
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Why did the boat dock with the all of the other boats?

Pier Pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0zp2/why_did_the_boat_dock_with_the_all_of_the_other/
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What do you call a nun in a wheel chair?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0xsc/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheel_chair/
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A little boy says "dad I've heard in some parts of africa a man doesn't know his wife until marriage. The dad says......

"Son that happens everywhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0xjf/a_little_boy_says_dad_ive_heard_in_some_parts_of/
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What's the difference between a burger, and a blow job?

You don't know?
Let's do lunch sometime!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0wwj/whats_the_difference_between_a_burger_and_a_blow/
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I wanted to get a second dog to keep my dog company. I asked my dog if he wanted me to bring him a male dog or a female dog. He replied...

"Bitch, please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0qi0/i_wanted_to_get_a_second_dog_to_keep_my_dog/
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What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0pim/what_do_a_dog_and_a_nearsighted_gynecologist_have/
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Why did the Jonestown jokes never catch on?

The punchlines were too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0p48/why_did_the_jonestown_jokes_never_catch_on/
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up hers, when the doorbell rings....

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "i'll give you $800 the drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob hands her the $800 after a moment and leaves. The woman wraps back up her towel and goes back upstairs. When she's in the bedroom the husband asks "who was that?" "It was bob the next-door neighbor," she replies. He says "Great, did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0p1i/a_man_is_getting_into_the_shower_just_as_his_wife/
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How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0osh/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_house/
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I saw a how-to page on record scratch and DJ techniques.

It was a wikki-wikki Wiki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0k64/i_saw_a_howto_page_on_record_scratch_and_dj/
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Ugh, these new pants feel like a cheaply made castle.

No ballroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0iup/ugh_these_new_pants_feel_like_a_cheaply_made/
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[NSFW] [NSFW] What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?

They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0g4v/nsfw_nsfw_what_do_the_zika_virus_and_catholic/
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Have you heard about...

Alex Trebex?
His job is in jeopardy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0ce2/have_you_heard_about/
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Helen Keller walks into a bar...

Then a table, then a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0bg6/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
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What stops rape every single time?

Consent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u07ze/what_stops_rape_every_single_time/
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I too have a Robin Williams joke (or three) to share.

What do a tornado and divorce in the South have in common?
Someone's losing their trailer.
---
U2 is playing a concert in Scotland. Before they begin playing a song, Bono asks the audience to start clapping their hands along with him. Then he says, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies from hunger." Then a guy in the back of the audience says "THEN STOP FUCKIN' CLAPPIN' YER HANDS, YA IDIOT!"
---
A nine-year-old boy walks in on his parents having sex. They notice he's watching, and the boy runs off distraught. The father turns to his wife, puts on some clothes and says, "I'll go talk to Timmy." He looks in Timmy's room and he's not there. Then he hears a noise coming from Timmy's grandmother's room. He goes inside and sees Timmy fucking his grandmother. The father is shocked and says "What the hell is going on?" And Timmy replies, "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"
---
RIP Robin Williams. An inspiration to us all, we can only dream to be as talented and as funny as you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u07nt/i_too_have_a_robin_williams_joke_or_three_to_share/
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A farmer asked me for help with his chickens

He said "I have 87 chickens, can you help me round them up?"
I said "Sure... 90."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u077n/a_farmer_asked_me_for_help_with_his_chickens/
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I've never been booed off stage.

I've never been booed off stage! Sure, I've been booed on stage plenty of times... but never off stage.
In honor of Mitch Hedberg. RIP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u061v/ive_never_been_booed_off_stage/
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What did Melania Trump say after being stopped by an officer?

License and registration, please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u05x3/what_did_melania_trump_say_after_being_stopped_by/
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Michael Jackson's last words

"Take me to the children's hospital."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u04jn/michael_jacksons_last_words/
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Yet another blonde joke....

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0409/yet_another_blonde_joke/
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The Psychology Student

A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.
The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered "When I get out of here I am going to be a tennis pro."
The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs everywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here I am going to be a professional baseball player."
The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut on the end of his penis. The student asked, "I understand about the others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?"
"They're never going to let me out of here," the patient said "I'm fucking nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u01qf/the_psychology_student/
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TOP ROOSTER

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire!"
The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."
The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn...third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u00dr/top_rooster/
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I don't know why people say building a wall doesn't work

The chinese did it 2000 years ago and they still don't have any mexicans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tzwrg/i_dont_know_why_people_say_building_a_wall_doesnt/
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A group of Germans walk into a BAR...

after 20 rounds there are no survivors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tzu1o/a_group_of_germans_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call two hobos hitting each other with cardboard

Pillow Fight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tznfl/what_do_you_call_two_hobos_hitting_each_other/
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I never really liked the word syllable.

It's seems pretty full of itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tzmvh/i_never_really_liked_the_word_syllable/
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Memory is the second thing we lose as we age

I forgot what the first one is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tze6s/memory_is_the_second_thing_we_lose_as_we_age/
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What did the father say before he killed his child with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tzd58/what_did_the_father_say_before_he_killed_his/
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I used to like Mitch Hedberg

I still do but I used to too. RIP Mitch, we miss you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tzcch/i_used_to_like_mitch_hedberg/
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I guess i have a nice butt

Because everytime i walk away from a conversation i hear, " what an ass ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tzbus/i_guess_i_have_a_nice_butt/
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Husband and wife are arguing...

The husband thinks it's raining
His wife says, "No honey, that's snow"
So they ask Rudolph, their Soviet friend what he thinks.
He says, "That is rain, comrade."
The husband says, "See! Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tz5tc/husband_and_wife_are_arguing/
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I realized I left my tuba in the car with the doors unlocked...

I raced back as quick as I could and sure enough when I looked inside, there were two tubas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tz0ak/i_realized_i_left_my_tuba_in_the_car_with_the/
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1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tywd1/191517_may_have_been_the_worst_years_in_human/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tyuom/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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What did Amy Winehouse have in common with the Ghostbusters?

They both downed spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tytfu/what_did_amy_winehouse_have_in_common_with_the/
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Have you heard the string joke? A string walks into a bar and orders a beer...

...The bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here". The string, without saying a word, walks outside where he proceeds to tie himself into knots and mess up his "hair". When he walks back in and asks for a beer the bartender says, "Aren't you the string that was just in here." "No, he answered, "I'm afraid not".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tytbg/have_you_heard_the_string_joke_a_string_walks/
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Why does a man name his penis?

Because he doesn't want a total stranger making 90% of his decisions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tyqoy/why_does_a_man_name_his_penis/
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Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 Victims, they went through 38 stories in 10 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4typn5/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tyo2v/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
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What do you call a half Mexican half German person?

A Beaner Schnitzel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tynn4/what_do_you_call_a_half_mexican_half_german_person/
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Life is like toilet paper...

you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tygh8/life_is_like_toilet_paper/
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Yo mama's so ugly

Even her dildo went limp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tyej2/yo_mamas_so_ugly/
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A passenger in a taxi...

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped
just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights
out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tydkz/a_passenger_in_a_taxi/
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Three old men are sitting on a bench

One says, "Windy today."
Another says, "No you idiot, it's Thursday."
The third one says, "Me too. Let's go get a beer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tyb6d/three_old_men_are_sitting_on_a_bench/
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What's the one thing Spider-Man can't eat?

Uncle Ben's rice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ty7cl/whats_the_one_thing_spiderman_cant_eat/
%
Is your refrigerator running?

Because if your fridge is moving on its own volition you have bigger fucking problems than the goddamn election

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ty5l4/is_your_refrigerator_running/
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How do you make a witch scratch?

Remove the w

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ty5i2/how_do_you_make_a_witch_scratch/
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Why wasn't Michael Jackson allowed to perform at the children's hospital?

Because he is dead.
^((I came up with this joke when I was very tired.))

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ty4ms/why_wasnt_michael_jackson_allowed_to_perform_at/
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When I was a kid, if I wanted to jerk off, I had to use a Sears catalogue

But now, with the internet, when I want to jerk off, I can just go to Sears.com.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ty2y3/when_i_was_a_kid_if_i_wanted_to_jerk_off_i_had_to/
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What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a buck fifty, but deer nuts are under a buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ty1ud/what_is_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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I picked up this chick in Rome. We had sex, said goodbye the next morning and gave her a hi five

She gave me hi V

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txwoo/i_picked_up_this_chick_in_rome_we_had_sex_said/
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What's the difference between a slut and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txwfy/whats_the_difference_between_a_slut_and_a_mosquito/
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A little Indian boy asked his father...

...the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.
Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txvvl/a_little_indian_boy_asked_his_father/
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A couple are out having dinner

They are in the middle of their meal when a gorgeous young woman walks up to the table, kisses him on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie."
The wife is furious. "Who was that?"
That was Giselle. She's my mistress."
"That's it. I've suspected for a long time, but to have her come up like that is too much. I want a divorce."
"Honey, stop and think about it for a minute. I love you, and I want to stay together. She's just a harmless bit of fun. And you remember we have a prenup. If we divorce, you won't be broke, but there certainly won't be any more shopping trips to Paris or private jets or a new Mercedes every year. There won't even be dinners like this one."
They don't talk for a while, but then she notices a couple coming into the restaurant. "Isn't that Steve from the club? Who's he with? That's not Becky."
"Oh yes, that's Steve, and the woman with him is his mistress, Sandra."
"Ours is prettier."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txuh6/a_couple_are_out_having_dinner/
%
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”

I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txudd/my_tenmonthold_was_sitting_in_her_high_chair/
%
A guide and a tourist are sailing past the coast...

They sail past a few sights and the guide gives some backstory on these.
Eventually they sail past a man and a woman making a ruckus in the bushes. The guide is embarrassed and says: "These people are just cycling."
The tourist grabs an oar and throws it at the guy's head.
The guide asks: "Why'd you do that?"
The tourist replies: "That guy stole my bicycle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txret/a_guide_and_a_tourist_are_sailing_past_the_coast/
%
A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes...

...and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"
Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself."
She said, "Yes, I am!"
The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?"
She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txqm2/a_blonde_really_got_tired_of_all_blonde_jokes/
%
Teenage Sex

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’
I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txps8/teenage_sex/
%
Why doesn't Jesus play basketball?

He got crossed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txpe2/why_doesnt_jesus_play_basketball/
%
Every time I go to get an HIV test, I'm convinced it's going to come back positive

And every time, I'm right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txoq9/every_time_i_go_to_get_an_hiv_test_im_convinced/
%
I'll tell you what I know about dwarves

Very little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txnte/ill_tell_you_what_i_know_about_dwarves/
%
Did anyone else see that 60 Minutes interview with Monica Lewinsky last night?

She said she wasn't very happy about possibly having another Clinton in the White House. That the last one left a bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txm8c/did_anyone_else_see_that_60_minutes_interview/
%
Jerry was in hospital

He was recovering from his surgery. A nurse asks him how he is.
“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used during the surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txgne/jerry_was_in_hospital/
%
Two black men are walking down the street

...and they see a sign that says "Be white for 99 cents!" The first man says he has the dollar on him, the second man only has 98 cents. The first man says, okay, I'll go in and if it works, I'll give you the penny. First first man goes in and comes a while later. The second man asks "Can I have the penny?" The first man replies "Get a damn job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txdx8/two_black_men_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
Family Vacation

Mom and Dad with their young son arrive at a Hotel.
Hotel Desk Clerk:  Room 712, enjoy your stay!
Father: Can I assume that the porn is disabled?
Hotel Desk Clerk:  No, it's just regular porn you sick fuck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4txd9m/family_vacation/
%
What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews?

Santa goes *down* the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tx7y8/whats_the_difference_between_santa_claus_and_the/
%
As soon as the native american saw snow, he frowned and said

I don't like the snow. It's white and it's on my land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tx79e/as_soon_as_the_native_american_saw_snow_he/
%
Today I was approached by Beyonce

who had just finished setting up at the studio. She said to me, "Excuse me hon. You haven't seen my phone have you? It's pink with a 'Bubblicious' cover on it."
I said, "No, sorry. Have you tried calling it?"
She said, "No. I put it on silent."
I said, "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tx2zf/today_i_was_approached_by_beyonce/
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Diary Entries of a Married Couple

Wife's  Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.  I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband's  Diary, same day:
A two-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tx2uz/diary_entries_of_a_married_couple/
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The guy at the bar

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tx25f/the_guy_at_the_bar/
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People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish
+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift
## He's Jewish. Give it up
****
_by Robin Williams_
Happy Birthday Robin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tx1a7/people_say_to_me_jesus_was_not_jewish/
%
Boycott shampoo

demand real poo instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twxgl/boycott_shampoo/
%
Londoner classic.

A man walks into a bakery and asks the lady behind the counter. "How much for that "gattox" in the window? "
Lady says "gattox, oh you mean "gateaux" that's £12.99"
"12.99?!?!" shouts the man "bollo!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twusu/londoner_classic/
%
What's a Freudian slip?

Two old men are playing a round of golf. One says, "in my old age, I find myself making more Freudian slips." The other says "what's a Freudian slip"?
The first man says, "is when you intend to say one thing, but actually say what you were really thinking. Like the other day, I had a new secretary, as I was leaving the office, I meant to say 'see you next time' but actually said 'knee you sex time'. It was really just embarrassing."
The other man says, "oh, yeah, I have Freudian slips all the time, then. Just this morning my wife made eggs and bacon. I meant to ask her to pass the salt, but instead I said "you bitch, you've ruined my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twss9/whats_a_freudian_slip/
%
Tech support in the military

Troubleshoot to kill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twsql/tech_support_in_the_military/
%
Life is like a box of chocolate...

... it doesn't last very long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twrcy/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolate/
%
I can't find a single Ekans here in Ireland with Pokemon Go.

Thanks, St Patrick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twqhp/i_cant_find_a_single_ekans_here_in_ireland_with/
%
A guy walks up to a woman at a bar...

He flirts with her. He makes small talk but the woman insists she isn't going to go home with him.
The guy says, *"What if I offer you a million dollars to sleep with me?"*
The woman has never had a million dollars in her life. She stops and considers the offer very seriously.
Guy changes his mind, says, *"What if I change my offer to a dollar instead?"*
The woman is aghast, "What kind of woman do you think I am?"
*"We'd already figured that out. Now we're just negotiating"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twnvm/a_guy_walks_up_to_a_woman_at_a_bar/
%
Does the five-second rule apply to soup? Please hurry.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twlv7/does_the_fivesecond_rule_apply_to_soup_please/
%
How much does a truck made of light weigh?

Photons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twlpd/how_much_does_a_truck_made_of_light_weigh/
%
An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.
He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police.
"I don't understand", Said the police officer. "How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?"
To which the thief replied: "But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twhr3/an_art_thief_broke_into_the_louvre/
%
What do you call a drunk dinosaur?

A Staggersaurus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twfae/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_dinosaur/
%
An Italian guy is on vacation in Sweden...

One night he meets a gorgeous girl in a bar and after a night of heavy drinking, he takes her to his hotelroom.
They have great sex, he has an amazing orgasm and after his cigarette he asks her: 'You finish?' She shakes her head, so he braces himself and goes at it again.
This time he takes longer, and after he cums he asks her again: 'You finish?' Again, she shakes her head, so he decides to go down on her. She screams and moans, and after a while he comes back up and askes her again: 'You finish?'
'No!', she says, 'I'm Swedish.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twco5/an_italian_guy_is_on_vacation_in_sweden/
%
Why do cows huddle together when it rains?

To keep each udder dry
Courtesy of my significant other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twbri/why_do_cows_huddle_together_when_it_rains/
%
I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twbks/i_went_to_the_doctors_with_hearing_problems/
%
What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tw95r/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
%
Why don't the police protest against BLM?

Because they have jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tw5ac/why_dont_the_police_protest_against_blm/
%
A man gets a call from his Doctor

Doctor says i have the results from your examination, im afraid i have some bad news and worse news
The man asks whats the bad news
Doctor says according to the report you will die in 24 hrs
The man says what can be worse than that
The Doctor says i have been trying to call you since yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tw4yh/a_man_gets_a_call_from_his_doctor/
%
Two vampires meet in the street

One have the face full of blood and was licking the corner of the mouth, so the other one said:
-Wow, what a feast! where do you find it?
-Well... do you see that tower behind the church?
-yes
-I didn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tw0kt/two_vampires_meet_in_the_street/
%
The 6th grade science teacher

, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tvxur/the_6th_grade_science_teacher/
%
Magicians . Z z z

I watched a Spanish magician's act the other day.   he was pretty good throughout but the finale was stunning.  he stood in the middle of the stage, waved his arms, counted out "uno, dos..." and then vanished without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tvvup/magicians_z_z_z/
%
Hereditary Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Runs in the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tvtnb/hereditary_irritable_bowel_syndrome/
%
Butt sex is a lot like spinach

Even with butter, children don't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tvt7p/butt_sex_is_a_lot_like_spinach/
%
The old lady's two plastic bags..

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tvt3h/the_old_ladys_two_plastic_bags/
%
'How To Cope With Disappointment' ;-)

Saw a sign outside of an office building which said
"Today's workshop 'How To Cope With Disappointment' has been cancelled"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tvr0k/how_to_cope_with_disappointment/
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We must follow our policy. . .

I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins.  there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents.  I kinda felt bad for the guy but the airline did have a one carrion policy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tvqgc/we_must_follow_our_policy/
%
To get to the other side

Why did the time traveler cross the road?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tvk1i/to_get_to_the_other_side/
%
After seeing his first ballet at age 6, his parents asked him how he liked it.

It was good, but you know all those girls who were on their tippy-toes? Why don't they just get *taller girls?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tvjx9/after_seeing_his_first_ballet_at_age_6_his/
%
Slip of the Tongue

Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing', Joe?"
Joe says, "Do me a favor: Run upstairs and get my slippers."
Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it?"
Mike shouts down stairs -, "Hey, Joe, both of 'em?"
Joe shouts back, "of course, both of 'em!" What's the point of fuckin' one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tvhyo/slip_of_the_tongue/
%
Naked Cowboy...

A sheriff sees a cowboy walking down the street with nothing on but a cowboy hat, a gun, and boots. He arrests him for incident exposure.
The sheriff asks, "why the hell are you walking around like this?"
The cowboy says, "this pretty redhead asks me to go home with her. We go inside, and she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. Then she gets on the bed and says 'now go down town, cowboy!' So here I am"....
Not sure how this is a joke but It is a joke and I copied it from a magazine...lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tvgnl/naked_cowboy/
%
A fisherman catches a shark...

as soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling "wait wait wait... I'm a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go.
"Alright" says the man, "i want my penis to reach the floor".
So the shark ate his legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tvg3f/a_fisherman_catches_a_shark/
%
Butt-sex is a lot like spinach...

If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.
-Daniel Tosh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tvdww/buttsex_is_a_lot_like_spinach/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tvbms/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
What’s the difference between the US and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tv8n7/whats_the_difference_between_the_us_and_yogurt/
%
I've started a business building yachts in my attic

Sails are going through the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tv6tm/ive_started_a_business_building_yachts_in_my_attic/
%
I gave my girlfriend a birthday celebration that lasted only half a minute

After all, it was her thirty second birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tv6mt/i_gave_my_girlfriend_a_birthday_celebration_that/
%
What do sex in a canoe and American beer have in common?

They’re both fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tv52j/what_do_sex_in_a_canoe_and_american_beer_have_in/
%
Helen Keller walks into a bar...

And a table. And some chairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4turn4/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
%
To all the haters out there, I think Melania Trump's speech hit all the right keys.

Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4turc6/to_all_the_haters_out_there_i_think_melania/
%
Dave goes to the doctor for some sex advice

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get some air-con"
"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"
"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"
"Yeah, I've got a mate Mick"
"Well, ask your mate Mick to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Dave asks Mick for this favour, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Mick fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.
Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Mick, who is now shagging Dave's mrs. Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"
Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Mick?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tujke/dave_goes_to_the_doctor_for_some_sex_advice/
%
Why are Subway cooks called "Sandwich Artists"?

Even art majors deserve recognition

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tui0q/why_are_subway_cooks_called_sandwich_artists/
%
A father, feeling sorry for his severely deformed son, decided to take him to the bar...

It was the son's 21st birthday, after all.  His deformity was horrible, he was just a head.  No arms, no torso, no legs.
At the bar, the father sat him on the table and ordered two beers.  As the son finished his first beer ever in his life, a torso popped out.  His father was overjoyed and sat his son up in the chair.
"Bartender!!!  Another beer ASAP!"
After the last gulp of the second beer, arms and hands popped out of the son's torso.  More joy and celebration.  "Bartender!!! Quick, another beer!"
You guessed it.  After the last gulp of beer, legs with feet popped out of the son's torso.  He was a complete human being.  Naked, but complete.  The father and son cried tears of joy and hugged each other desparately.
"Bartender!  Another beer to celebrate!"
The son finished his beer in one big gulp and commenced to just disappear altogether.  The father cried and started searching the bar for his missing son.
The bartender yelled from behind the bar "You shoulda quit while he was still a head..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tuhtf/a_father_feeling_sorry_for_his_severely_deformed/
%
I'm going to create a Mexican supremacist group called the ???

The ¿que que que?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tuf2w/im_going_to_create_a_mexican_supremacist_group/
%
Why did the fencer downvote my latest submission?

It was a Riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tuetc/why_did_the_fencer_downvote_my_latest_submission/
%
I was reading in the paper today about a midget that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tuelc/i_was_reading_in_the_paper_today_about_a_midget/
%
I was on the train having a poo.

When the ticket inspector knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket please."
"There you go," I replied, passing it under the door.
"Thanks for the free ticket." replied the voice, running away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tuapn/i_was_on_the_train_having_a_poo/
%
What is it with Germans and old operating systems

I keep hearing them say "DOS is good"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tu7g1/what_is_it_with_germans_and_old_operating_systems/
%
a man got caught by cannibals

An adventurer was exploring the wild nature when he stumbles upon a closed of ancient tribe.
They take the man prisoner and soon after they put him in to a large bucket. They fill it with water and then they light the fire beneath him.
Then the head of the tribe steps forward and starts to talk the adventurer.
HELLO, MY NAME IS BRODJA AND WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU.
the adventerer is looking at him while he speaks
WE WILL MAKE WITH YOUR FLESH A NICE SOUP AND WITH YOUR SKIN WE WILL MAKE A CANOE.
BUT WE ARE NOT ALL BAD AND WE WILL GIVE YOU A FINAL WISH BEFORE THIS. WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT?
the adventurer is is looking around and then asks for a fork..
The tribe laughs and people say why would you need a fork haha, what an idiot haha
The head of the tribe gives him a fork and as soon as he has it he begins stabbing himself everywhere! The tribe doesn't get it and it suddenly get's extremely still.
Then the adventures says with a laughing tone:
THAT CANOE IS GONNA BE WORTHLESS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tu5ni/a_man_got_caught_by_cannibals/
%
I was about to tell you a bank joke

But I lost all interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tu5eq/i_was_about_to_tell_you_a_bank_joke/
%
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day...

Teach a man to microwave a fish and he'll lose the respect of all his co-workers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tu4ck/give_a_man_a_fish_hell_eat_for_a_day/
%
I went to the store to pick up a new capacitor for my broken microwave.

The sales rep. accidentally sold me a flux capacitor instead; and now my microwave turns my chicken sandwiches into egg sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tu2pn/i_went_to_the_store_to_pick_up_a_new_capacitor/
%
READ THIS OUT LOUD!

This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is an cat.
This is idiot cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.
Now please go back to the top, read it again, but only the third word in each line. :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tu0g7/read_this_out_loud/
%
What does the word 'gay' mean?

asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ttyja/what_does_the_word_gay_mean/
%
Why do you always follow your instinct when doing trigonometry?

Beacuse you might have secant thoughts and go off on a tangent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tty1z/why_do_you_always_follow_your_instinct_when_doing/
%
Why did Tupac go to the gym?

To get a sixpac!
(Thank you 7th grade me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ttqdi/why_did_tupac_go_to_the_gym/
%
I told my dad that I don't like being a single child.

"I want a brother!" I said.
He said, "Having a child is a long process, your mother and I don't need that right now."
"Maybe you should consider adoption?" I asked.
He said, "No, we're not doing that again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ttp6r/i_told_my_dad_that_i_dont_like_being_a_single/
%
A Drill Sergeant does a surprise bed check late at night

and discovers a private sneaking back into the barracks.
Sergeant: Private! What are you doing?
Private: Trying to sleep, sir!
Sergeant: You look like you just had sex, boy. When did you last have sex?
Private: 2010, sir!
Sergeant: 2010? That's a long time, son.
Private: Not really, sir! It's only 2045 right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ttm7l/a_drill_sergeant_does_a_surprise_bed_check_late/
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A Real Gut-Buster

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ttlgi/a_real_gutbuster/
%
You gotta love North Korea

Especially if you're a North Korean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ttld2/you_gotta_love_north_korea/
%
Is your refrigerator running?

Because if so I'll probably vote for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ttj9f/is_your_refrigerator_running/
%
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day...

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ttiob/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
%
Why did the condom hit the wall?

Because it was pissed off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tti45/why_did_the_condom_hit_the_wall/
%
How many congressmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Don't be silly, congressmen don't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ttg8l/how_many_congressmen_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
France is such a shitty country

Even the nice parts are rundown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ttfqq/france_is_such_a_shitty_country/
%
Why does Donald Trump think Jesus was a liar?

"He was a Middle-Easterner, but he had a Mexican name."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ttey9/why_does_donald_trump_think_jesus_was_a_liar/
%
If someone wants to date me, I don't want to date them.

Because they obviously make bad life choices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ttdpu/if_someone_wants_to_date_me_i_dont_want_to_date/
%
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

A Hippo weighs 700lbs but a Zippos a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ttcx3/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tt7w3/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
I was at an amusement park with my friends.

They all said the invisible roller coaster was great, but I didn't see the attraction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tt67f/i_was_at_an_amusement_park_with_my_friends/
%
A man goes to a movie theater

As he is walking up to buy his ticket, he notices that security is going through peoples bags. At the sight of this, he begins to sweat a little.
He buys his ticket, and tries to walk inside without being seen. Right when he thought he had made it through, a security guard caught him and asked to check his belongings.
The man reluctantly hands over his bag to the security guard.
Security: "Alright what do we have here... a Colt 1911, an AK-47, some frag grenades... everything seems to be in order. Enjoy your movie sir."
Man: "Alright, thank you. Have a nice day."
The security guard begins to turn back to his post when he notices a slight bulge in the man's duffel bag that he had not seen before. He calls out to the man, telling him to stop.
The man breaks into a sprint, hoping to out maneuver the guard and get to his movie. He ran as fast as he could, but was unable to outrun the security guard. He's tackled to the ground, and the guard calls for back up.
As more guards arrive to restrain the man, the guard looks into the duffel bag once more. He ends up pulling out a bag of cocaine.
Security:"This is why you ran? What was the point? There's no harm done having this on you, it's just some illegal drugs."
Man:"Well, you see... I was planning on taking the drugs and using them to get super high. Once I was high, I would take the weapons in my bag and kill everyone in the movie theater."
Security:"Why though?"
Man:"An old prom date of mine is there. She left me super depressed the last time I saw her and I almost committed suicide because of what she did."
Security:"Well what exactly did she do?"
Man:"She sent me to get her some punch and there was no punch line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tt3zp/a_man_goes_to_a_movie_theater/
%
I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

But it was shot before it could start running.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tt3jc/i_painted_my_computer_black_so_it_would_run_faster/
%
A man and his wife

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tt2v2/a_man_and_his_wife/
%
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office(the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president did.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tt2q7/a_little_old_lady_went_into_the_bank_of_canada/
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Dear posters of /r/jokes, can't you be a bit more original with your posts?

My friends say they are tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tszlm/dear_posters_of_rjokes_cant_you_be_a_bit_more/
%
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tsvy3/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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What do you tell a person who is about to jump off a bridge and commit suicide

"Don't do it! You have so much potential"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tsufv/what_do_you_tell_a_person_who_is_about_to_jump/
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A blind rabbit and a blind slug

are moving through the woods until the two of them bump into each other.
The slug reaches out, touches the rabbit, and says "You're soft and fluffy. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit reaches out, touches the slug, and says "You're cold and slimy. You must be a politician."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tsti0/a_blind_rabbit_and_a_blind_slug/
%
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar...

Bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tsokf/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why cant you email a photo to a Jedi?

Because Attachments are forbidden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tsnma/why_cant_you_email_a_photo_to_a_jedi/
%
A blind man and his guide dog walk into a shop

He grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging it around his head.
The shop assistant, baffled, approaches the man and asks if everything's ok.
"Fine", replies the blind man.
"I'm just looking around".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tsn6j/a_blind_man_and_his_guide_dog_walk_into_a_shop/
%
A man walks into a bar and asks for a Jack & Coke

The bartender asks, "Is Pepsi fine?" The man says yes. The bartender then pours Pepsi & Coke in a glass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tsn4h/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_jack_coke/
%
Melania Trump's Speech:

We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching, but
You're too shy to say it
Inside, we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it
And if you ask me how I'm feeling
Don't tell me you're too blind to see
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
(Ooh, give you up)
(Ooh, give you up)
Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up)
Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up)
We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching, but
You're too shy to say it
Inside, we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tsl4v/melania_trumps_speech/
%
What do you call a magic dog?

Labracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tsksy/what_do_you_call_a_magic_dog/
%
Two fish are sitting in a tank.

One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tsiwm/two_fish_are_sitting_in_a_tank/
%
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand

...and says, "Make me one with everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tsipf/a_buddhist_walks_up_to_a_hotdog_stand/
%
Why did Hitler cover his eyes?

So he could Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tsdcr/why_did_hitler_cover_his_eyes/
%
A ship goes out to sea and crashes.

6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island. Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived.
So they come to this agreement.
All of the men will marry the one woman for a week.  So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it.
This goes on for five years and everyone is happy.
Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies. The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful.
It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tsblh/a_ship_goes_out_to_sea_and_crashes/
%
Late in the night he regained consciousness.

He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, *"You may not feel anything from the waist down."*
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, *"Can I feel your tits, then?"*
That, my friends, is a positive attitude!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tsb23/late_in_the_night_he_regained_consciousness/
%
Why couldn't Jesus eat M&M's?

because of the holes in his hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ts9yq/why_couldnt_jesus_eat_mms/
%
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

teach a man to fish and you create a market for bait and tackle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ts9wf/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
Why do strippers look better in the club than outside the club?

Black lights matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ts88q/why_do_strippers_look_better_in_the_club_than/
%
Fart in my wallet

Call that gas money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ts7p1/fart_in_my_wallet/
%
What do you call a good looking pig?

Hamsome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ts7g8/what_do_you_call_a_good_looking_pig/
%
What's black underneath and white on top?

Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ts757/whats_black_underneath_and_white_on_top/
%
What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person?

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ts5l5/whats_the_worst_part_about_breaking_up_with_a/
%
My first anal was like getting my first car

I didn't wanted it m,but dad gave it to me anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ts3yu/my_first_anal_was_like_getting_my_first_car/
%
"Donald is intensely loyal. To family, friends, employees, country."

-His 3rd wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ts2w4/donald_is_intensely_loyal_to_family_friends/
%
How do you think bus driver interviews go?

Applicant: Sorry I'm late!
Interviewer: You're hired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ts1g4/how_do_you_think_bus_driver_interviews_go/
%
From a Botswanan friend...

A man dies and goes to hell.
He finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.
He goes to Germany Hell and asks, 'What do they do here?' ... He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day'. The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.
He checks out the USA Hell as well as the Russia Hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.
Then he comes to the BOTSWANA Hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, 'What do they do here?'
He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The BOTSWANA devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.
'But, that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?' asks the man.
Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the BOTSWANA devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in; signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trwxr/from_a_botswanan_friend/
%
Why is a fat dog so afraid of the dog catcher?

Because they're paid by the pound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trwgj/why_is_a_fat_dog_so_afraid_of_the_dog_catcher/
%
Why can't origami masters play poker?

Because they keep folding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trugr/why_cant_origami_masters_play_poker/
%
My Grandfather had the heart of a lion and...

A lifetime ban from the New York City zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trs1r/my_grandfather_had_the_heart_of_a_lion_and/
%
Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trrt7/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
How to start a fight

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trr59/how_to_start_a_fight/
%
The Blind Mule

So one farmer is approached by a neighboring farmer who just moved from the city and wants to buy his mule for his new farm.
"Oh, no.  You don't want this mule.  Nah. He don't look too good".
"Oh I think he's a *fine* specimen" said the new neighbor.  I'll give you two hundred dollars for him right now" and offers his hand to seal the deal with a handshake.
"Two hundred dollars? Whoo wee man,  that's hard to pass up.  If you like this mule that much then,  okay fella.  We got ourselves a deal."
The new owner pays for the mule and leads it to his place and immediately hooks him up to a plow.  The mule is doing great. Straight, deep row - until he gets to the end of the first row where he just keeps on walking. The man is hollering at the mule and tugging the reins but the mule keeps walking right through the fence,  a huge briar patch, and a gulley before the new owner can get him turned around.
Wondering if his neighbor sold him a blind mule,  he walks in front of it, waves his hands in front of the mule's eyes and realizes, sure enough - it's blind as a bat.
Pissed off, he immediately  drags the mule straight back to the man who sold him the mule.
"Man.  We have a problem. You sold me a blind mule. This thing is blind as a bat! He dragged me all the way through the woods and into a huge gulley before he finally stopped.  Then I realized he can't see a *thing*! He's blind as a bat. I demand my money back this instant or you'll be hearing from my attorney!"
"Now hold on just a minute there mister.  We had a deal. Even shook on it.  And I know I told you that mule, 'he don't look too good."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trprp/the_blind_mule/
%
Did you hear about that new car made entirely from wood? It's crazy! Wooden wheels, wooden windows, wooden engine...

Wooden move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trof7/did_you_hear_about_that_new_car_made_entirely/
%
Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they are really f**king good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trngi/why_dont_you_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
%
Give a man a jacket, and he'll stay outside longer

teach a man to jacket, and he'll just stay inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trml9/give_a_man_a_jacket_and_hell_stay_outside_longer/
%
Two Cars Crash

A man and lady crashed into each other while driving  one day and unfortunately, the man was seriously injured. The lady only suffered minor injuries and so ran to the man's car to attempt to aid him. She successfully made the wound on his leg stop bleeding and naturally the man was very grateful, as they both agreed the crash was a joint mistake. At the back of the man's car was a bottle of Scotch, still unharmed after the crash and the lady suggested they both drink some to calm their nerves. The man happily agreed and consumed half of the contents. When offering it to the lady, however, she refused.
"Don't you want any, Miss?" the man questioned.
"No, no," the lady replied. "We'll let the police decide who's fault the crash was first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trl8o/two_cars_crash/
%
What do you call a man with his hand up a horse's ass?

An Amish mechanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trjq1/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_his_hand_up_a_horses/
%
How many protestors do you need to change a lightbulb?

Trick question. Protestors don't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trj5v/how_many_protestors_do_you_need_to_change_a/
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What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?

The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.
The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trhgw/whats_the_difference_between_a_mad_engineer_and_a/
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Firm peaches

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a
door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer
negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her
the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they
as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they
nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as
fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood
got my soybeans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think
I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trgdz/firm_peaches/
%
they say a camera adds 5 pounds.

that being the case, do african children even exist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trfwo/they_say_a_camera_adds_5_pounds/
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The donkey gift.

Steve is not a bright man but has the best of intentions.  He vacations to Mexico where he loses his passport, and get stuck in Mexico for a few months waiting to get his papers cleared up.  A nice Mexican family takes him in and provides for him.  When he hears the US embassy has cleared things up and he can go home the next day, he goes into town and buys a donkey and a bucket of tar.  On the way back he sees a freshly cut field.  He stops and begins covering the donkey in the tar.  Once the donkey is sufficiently covered, he pushes the donkey over in the field.  The donkey rolls around getting covered in the fresh cut clippings, and makes it back to its feet.  He continues back to his host's home where he gives them the donkey as he says his goodbyes.  The whole family is so confused by his gesture but politely accepts the donkey and wishes him the best.  After he leaves, the family starts taking about the odd gift.  One of the kids speaks up and says "I probably should have been more clear when he asked what people in Mexico do to say Thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trf9v/the_donkey_gift/
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Melania Trump's Speech

Sorry guys this one's a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trbgk/melania_trumps_speech/
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Eating pussy is like being in the Mafia...

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4trbfv/eating_pussy_is_like_being_in_the_mafia/
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What do you call an equation with no solution?

A hypocrite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tr965/what_do_you_call_an_equation_with_no_solution/
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Give a man a jacket

and he'll be warm for a day......teach a man to jacket he'll never leave the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tr8sx/give_a_man_a_jacket/
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What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tr8ak/whats_the_difference_between_a_snow_man_and_a/
%
Would you be offended if I said...

Would you be offended if I said that I'm not voting for that white, elitist, pompous, corrupt, egomaniac that's going to ruin our country?
...or would you even know which candidate I'm talking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tr7rq/would_you_be_offended_if_i_said/
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"Don't let your inner child die!"

could be a slogan for an anti abortion campaign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tr6kw/dont_let_your_inner_child_die/
%
Little Johnny

A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating." The teacher says, "No, I said, fascinate."
Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life." The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."
Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tr5ou/little_johnny/
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Troubled arm

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tr1rw/troubled_arm/
%
What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer?

Thanks, Obama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tr15i/what_did_melania_trump_say_to_her_speech_writer/
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Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tqzcv/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_eats_for_a_day/
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I was going to tell a time travel joke...

but you didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tqytz/i_was_going_to_tell_a_time_travel_joke/
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When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike...

Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tqxc8/when_i_was_a_kid_i_used_to_pray_every_night_for_a/
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NASA is planning another rover for Mars in 2020

They should call it Hindsight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tqvq7/nasa_is_planning_another_rover_for_mars_in_2020/
%
Surveys have shown that..

6/7 dwarfs aren't Happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tqmmn/surveys_have_shown_that/
%
TIL Humans eat more krill than whales.

I can't remember the last time I've eaten a whale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tqikl/til_humans_eat_more_krill_than_whales/
%
When I was younger, I was told that anyone could become President.

Seeing Trump's campaign, now I believe it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tqglf/when_i_was_younger_i_was_told_that_anyone_could/
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What's the difference between a black fairy tale and a white fairy tail?

White begins, "Once upon a time..."
Black begins, "Y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tqgjs/whats_the_difference_between_a_black_fairy_tale/
%
The waiter came up to our table.

He said, "Can I take your order?"
I said, "Sure."
He said, "Thanks, I'm just really hungry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tqf76/the_waiter_came_up_to_our_table/
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Women think that they can do the same things as men...

But they haven't successfully oppressed an entire gender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tqeeu/women_think_that_they_can_do_the_same_things_as/
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My friend asked me if I was interested in a chess tournament.

I said yes and he tried to sell me a sculpture of a woman's tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tq761/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_was_interested_in_a_chess/
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Target audience

A nine year old kid disappeared after using a cream that makes you look 10 years younger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tq2n0/target_audience/
%
A girl and a black man goes away for a date.

Ater the date they quickly head back  to the girl's place.
Then she says,"Show me what  they say about the black guys."
The Black guy then quickly stabs her and runs off with her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tq2dh/a_girl_and_a_black_man_goes_away_for_a_date/
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What did the doctor say when he delivered a blonde-haired baby to an expecting Chinese couple?

Two Wongs don't make a white

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tpzrb/what_did_the_doctor_say_when_he_delivered_a/
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What do you call a golf club in the rear of your car?

A backseat driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tpzkw/what_do_you_call_a_golf_club_in_the_rear_of_your/
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Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door

The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tpyyw/two_jehovahs_witnesses_knock_on_someones_door/
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I found out that masturbating with a dead arm feels better...

...but apparently that 'ruined' the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tpx9m/i_found_out_that_masturbating_with_a_dead_arm/
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What does Hillary Clinton say when she's unhappy at a restaurant?

Can I have a different server?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tpv0l/what_does_hillary_clinton_say_when_shes_unhappy/
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What do you call a slow transgender?

Translate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tprd7/what_do_you_call_a_slow_transgender/
%
NSFW A man asked a woman

"Excuse me miss can I smell your feet?"
She replies "why certainly not!"
So the man says "oh must be your pussy then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tpnxv/nsfw_a_man_asked_a_woman/
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A kid is playing with his Testicles, while his mom baths him...

"Mommy is this my brain?"
"Not yet sweetheart, not yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tpma2/a_kid_is_playing_with_his_testicles_while_his_mom/
%
How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tpk17/how_did_the_butcher_introduce_his_wife/
%
What do you call an arrogant criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tphsx/what_do_you_call_an_arrogant_criminal_walking/
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5 out of six researchers conclude,

Russian roulette is complete safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tpfma/5_out_of_six_researchers_conclude/
%
Why did the blind woman fall down the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tpfh1/why_did_the_blind_woman_fall_down_the_well/
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So, I accidentally sent a picture of my d&#k to everyone in my address book today

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tpdht/so_i_accidentally_sent_a_picture_of_my_dk_to/
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What do cops and sports photographers have in common?

They get paid to shoot black men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tpdbf/what_do_cops_and_sports_photographers_have_in/
%
A man with only one ear interviews candidates for a job

He is kinda' sensitive about his missing ear, so he asks to the first candidate "do you notice anything different about me?"
The guy hesitates and says "yes, sir, you have only one ear". He is dismissed on point.
The man asks the same question to the second candidate, which replies "yes, one of your ears is missing". Dismissed as well.
The third candidate walks in and the man asks "do you notice anything different about me?". The guy looks closely and says "Yes, of course. You wear contact lenses".
Surprised, the man asks "whoa, how did you know that?"
The guy replies: "well, how could you wear glasses with only one ear?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tpbpk/a_man_with_only_one_ear_interviews_candidates_for/
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What's strong enough for a man but made for a women?

The back of my hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tparj/whats_strong_enough_for_a_man_but_made_for_a_women/
%
Donald Trump won the presidency and everyone laughed

... it was Hillary-less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tp8qf/donald_trump_won_the_presidency_and_everyone/
%
I once held a PHD in the field of literature

And then he asked me to put him down and pick up all the books I threw all over the grass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tp7ea/i_once_held_a_phd_in_the_field_of_literature/
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What is the only word in an English dictionary spelled incorrectly?

Incorrectly is the only word spelled
I n c o r r e c t l y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tp4do/what_is_the_only_word_in_an_english_dictionary/
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Who's an all male rock group that doesn't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tp46j/whos_an_all_male_rock_group_that_doesnt_sing/
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Isn't it so weird when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tp416/isnt_it_so_weird_when_youre_thinking_about/
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I like my women the same way I like my coffee.

Made by my mum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tp1li/i_like_my_women_the_same_way_i_like_my_coffee/
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at the ob/gyn's office.....

a redhead, a brunette and a blonde all very much pregnant are sitting in their Drs. office waiting room talking. The redhead says she is going to have a boy because they did it when she was on top. The brunette says they are having a girl because she was on the bottom. They see the blonde crying ask her what's wrong... She says... wer're going to have PUPPIES!!! waaaahhhhh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4toy41/at_the_obgyns_office/
%
Where does the general keep his armies?

In his sleevies! ^tee ^hee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4toy2d/where_does_the_general_keep_his_armies/
%
Three guys go to hell. A fat guy, a sex addict, and a pothead...

Three guys go to hell. A fat guy, a sex addict, and a pothead.
The devil goes up to these guys and says - listen, I'm feeling nice today. I'm going to let each of you choose ONE thing and I'll lock you away in a room for a thousand years with it. The guys all look at each other in disbelief, thinking this deal is too good to be true. So the devil asks the fat guy what will it be. He responds- FOOD! the sex addict says he wants to HAVE SEX WITH WOMEN! the pothead says ill take some WEED!
So now, a thousand years goes by and the devil decides to go open these three doors. When he opens the door to the fat guy, a 6 foot wave of disgusting smelly shit and piss comes flowing out, because he gave the fat guy all this food but no toilets. He opens the door to the sex addict and he finds a guy covered in blisters and STDs because he didn't have any condoms. Now the devil gets to the last door. He opens the door to the pothead and the pothead says - YOU GOT FUCKIN A LIGHT MAN!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tourn/three_guys_go_to_hell_a_fat_guy_a_sex_addict_and/
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If life gives you lemons...

Make lemonade
If life gives you melons...
You might be dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4touok/if_life_gives_you_lemons/
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Why did the integer stop multiplying with other integers of equal value?

He was Squared Straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4toqyh/why_did_the_integer_stop_multiplying_with_other/
%
Virginity and candy are a lot a like.

They require minimal force to take from a child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4toqaj/virginity_and_candy_are_a_lot_a_like/
%
Why did a Hispanic man rob a train?

He had loco motives!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4top7w/why_did_a_hispanic_man_rob_a_train/
%
I like my reddit like I like my mail.

Only posted once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4toikc/i_like_my_reddit_like_i_like_my_mail/
%
Why do politicians take laxatives?

So they can speak more fluently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tohuh/why_do_politicians_take_laxatives/
%
What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They get to smell the goods but they never get to eat them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tohnr/what_does_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_boy/
%
Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac who has dyslexia?

He lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4todh9/did_you_hear_about_the_agnostic_insomniac_who_has/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4toc9i/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
%
I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect...

...but they fried me for no raisin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4toc7i/i_used_to_work_as_a_programmer_for_autocorrect/
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Five Important Qualities

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4to9uk/five_important_qualities/
%
A man gets the words "I love you" tattooed to his penis.

He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.
She looks at him and shakes her head saying "There you go again trying to put words in my mouth".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4to9es/a_man_gets_the_words_i_love_you_tattooed_to_his/
%
Mommy, why were you bouncing on Daddy's belly last night?

Mom: "Because his belly has become fat recently, and I need to help him lose weight."
Boy: "But that won't work."
Mom: "Why not?"
Boy: "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4to7p1/mommy_why_were_you_bouncing_on_daddys_belly_last/
%
New study shows you can get HIV/AIDS from toilet seats in public restrooms

By sitting down before the other guy gets up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4to727/new_study_shows_you_can_get_hivaids_from_toilet/
%
My daughter was always dropping hints about wanting to be a ballerina.

I just never put tu and tu together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4to2gp/my_daughter_was_always_dropping_hints_about/
%
Why do white people shop from black people's yard sales?

To get their stuff back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4to1nh/why_do_white_people_shop_from_black_peoples_yard/
%
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces:

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks:
"Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says:
"Here, iron this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4to0nq/as_an_airplane_is_about_to_crash_a_female/
%
What do you do with an epileptic in a bathtub?

Laundry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnzwb/what_do_you_do_with_an_epileptic_in_a_bathtub/
%
Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?

Because of the indoor fins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnyrm/why_does_keeping_tropical_fish_in_your_home_have/
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Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad: "Hmm. You are my son. Of that, I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnw8g/son_dad_whats_the_difference_between_confident/
%
It's true I misunderstood what you meant by "take me to the bone zone"

but you must admit this is a very nice graveyard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnv1q/its_true_i_misunderstood_what_you_meant_by_take/
%
I wish i had the immune system of an African baby

I've heard they only get sick once in their whole lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnugx/i_wish_i_had_the_immune_system_of_an_african_baby/
%
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lighbulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnr17/how_many_therapists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
If a kid refuses to go to sleep during nap time...

Is he guilty of resisting a rest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnp2l/if_a_kid_refuses_to_go_to_sleep_during_nap_time/
%
When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed

My name, my address, my phone number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tno2o/when_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_everything_changed/
%
Rick Astley will let you borrow of all of his Pixar movies except for one.

He's never gonna give you Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnnnz/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_of_all_of_his/
%
Little Johnny

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it."
But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnmz1/little_johnny/
%
What is a suicide bombers worse fear?

Dying alone...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnmol/what_is_a_suicide_bombers_worse_fear/
%
Why was the tomato blushing?

He saw the salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnjzb/why_was_the_tomato_blushing/
%
Women who like facials must be a myth.

At least, I've never cum across one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnjxq/women_who_like_facials_must_be_a_myth/
%
There was this little boy who was obsessed with tractors...

...he grew up around tractors, his mother and father were both farmers, and the family lived on a farm. Every day he would get driven to school on a tractor, and his dad would always pick him up on a tractor. Whenever christmas came around, he would always wish for tractor toys, miniatures, and pretty much anything that was related to tractors, and during birthdays he would get tractor shaped cakes. His life was full of tractors, and he couldn't get enough of them.
When the boy was around the age of 15 he started getting really interested in girls. There was this cute girl at school that he liked,  but he didn't have the courage to ask her out. He went home to his dad and told him he needed to stop being so obsessed with tractors, because no girl would ever like him if all he cared about was tractors. The dad decided to take the boy to therapy. It took a long time with multiple visits, but eventually the boy managed to get rid of his obsession with tractors. The boy decided that he wanted to ask the cute girl from school out on a date. He built up all the courage he could, and asked her out. She said yes! The boy was very happy, and later the same day he had already reserved a table at a restaurant for them to eat at.
The big day was here. The boy and girl were sitting at their table at a nice restaurant, waiting for their food. The boy was really happy, but the girl seemed a bit upset.
"What's wrong?" the boy asked.
"Nothing much, I love this place but it's a bit smoky in here" she replied
The boy stood up, emptied his lungs, and cleared the room of smoke in one breath.
The girl was amazed. "Wow, how did you do that?", she asked.
The boy replied:
"I am an extractor fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnhyw/there_was_this_little_boy_who_was_obsessed_with/
%
So my mate has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"
He said
"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...
... And Brian's got a cock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tng1l/so_my_mate_has_started_dating_twins/
%
Melania Trump immigrated to America in 1996

And after her speech I now see why Donald says that "all immigrants are thieves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnep9/melania_trump_immigrated_to_america_in_1996/
%
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tncbq/how_does_the_man_on_the_moon_cut_his_hair/
%
An American dude, a French dude, and a Japanese dude barely survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive.
The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter.
The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us!
It gets decided that the Japanese dude would be in charge of supplies.
After kicking for hours they finally reach the shoreline, completely exhausted. The Japanese dude gets up and sprints with deer-like speed into the jungle. The American and French dudes look at each other and shrug, then get to work.
By the following evening, the American and French dudes have a reasonable shelter, a reliable firepit, and have enjoyed a few good meals. They decide to go on a search for their friend.
Hours go by as they trek the thick jungle, no sign of their friend anywhere. Just as they are about to give up, the Japanese guy jumps down from a tree, throws his arms up and yells out: SUPPLIES!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnbp9/an_american_dude_a_french_dude_and_a_japanese/
%
There are two types of people in this world...

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tnarj/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Why does moon rock taste better than earth rock?

It's a little meteor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tn75o/why_does_moon_rock_taste_better_than_earth_rock/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tn5y2/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
What do Germans and acetone have in common?

They are both good at removing the Polish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tn45z/what_do_germans_and_acetone_have_in_common/
%
I went to the doctors the other day.

I said "every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm!"
"Have you been taking anything for it?" He asked.
"Yeah, pepper"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tn3ik/i_went_to_the_doctors_the_other_day/
%
Never marry a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tn29q/never_marry_a_tennis_player/
%
Why is the ocean so salty?

Because the land never waves back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tn0hg/why_is_the_ocean_so_salty/
%
So a farmer goes in to tractor supply...

And he asks the clerk if they have a milking machine. The clerk says, "why sure! How many cows do you have?" The farmer tells him just 1 cow. The clerk finds this odd and asks him why he needs a very expensive milking machine for just one cow.
The farmer says, " Well the other night I tried milking her, and she took her tail and hit me right in the face. So I tied up her tail to the ceiling. Then I got back to milking and she took her left leg and knocked the bucket over, so I tied that leg up. I tried one more time and she knocked it down again with her right leg! So I finally tied up that leg and stood up. When I stood up my overalls came undone and fell down, and my wife walked in. If you can convince her I was just milking that cow I won't need a milking machine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tn01w/so_a_farmer_goes_in_to_tractor_supply/
%
All music classes were banned at my school...

They said the classes encouraged too much sax and violins...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tmw1e/all_music_classes_were_banned_at_my_school/
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4 nuns trying to get into heaven

4 nuns die in a car accident and are standing in line at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them "You must confess your greatest sin and be granted absolution in order to get into heaven. "
The first nun in line holds up her index finger and says "I must confess,  I once touched a man's penis with the tip of this finger. "
St. Peter tells her "Go cleanse your finger in that font of holy water,  and you will be absolved. "  The Sister swishes her finger in the holy water, the  gates open and she enters heaven.
The 2nd nun steps up,  holds up her right hand and says "I must confess,  I once held a man's penis in this hand. "
St.  Peter tells her "Go cleanse your hand in the font of holy water and you will be absolved. "  The Sister swishes her hand in the holy water,  the gates open and she enters heaven.
At this point,  St.  Peter notices the 4th nun trying to push her way in front of the third nun.  "Sister,  Sister what is the problem? " he asks.
The 4th nun replies "I want to gargle before she sticks her fat ass in the holy water! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tmuwz/4_nuns_trying_to_get_into_heaven/
%
Every time I walk into a store with my dad

Worker: "Can I help you?"
Dad: "No, he was born like that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tmsoe/every_time_i_walk_into_a_store_with_my_dad/
%
A white guy, a mexican, and a black guy find a genie

in a bottle. The genie asks each of them what they wish for. The mexican says, "My wish is for all my mexicans in America to be back in Mexico, drinking beer on the beach!" Poof, his wish is granted. The black guy says, "my wish is for my fellow Africans living in America to all be transported back to Africa where we can be happy and safe!" Poof, his wish is also granted. The genie turns to the white guy and asks him what his wish is. "Well, you mean to tell me all the mexicans and black are out of America? I guess I"ll take a Pepsi then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tmrwg/a_white_guy_a_mexican_and_a_black_guy_find_a_genie/
%
Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tmqwk/why_does_the_law_prohibit_sex_between_lawyers_and/
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What's the pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tmk81/whats_the_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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Obvious media bias

Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tmjx0/obvious_media_bias/
%
And the bartender says "Sorry we don't serve time travelers here."

So two time travelers walk into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tmgih/and_the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
%
Is your refrigerator running?

Because if so I would vote for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tmfu1/is_your_refrigerator_running/
%
A man goes to a farm and sees a three legged pig.

He asks the farmer "how did that pig lose his leg?"
The farmer says: "last year a wolf came out of those woods and attacked me, the pig fought him off and saved my life."
"Did the wolf bite his leg off?"
"No! Last month the barn caught fire and I passed put from the fumes, that pig pulled me out and then ran all five miles to the fire station."
"And he burned his leg?"
"No! Last week I had a heart attack and that pig pressed on my chest with his trotters until I started breathing again and then dialed me an ambulance!"
"How did that lose him his leg?"
"No!" the farmer said, getting angry now, "look, that pig is the best, bravest, most intelligent pig that ever lived and a pig like that...."
"Yes?"
"A pig like that you don't want to eat all at once."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tmart/a_man_goes_to_a_farm_and_sees_a_three_legged_pig/
%
I really wanted to make a Zelda joke

But there is no Links allowed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tm8ke/i_really_wanted_to_make_a_zelda_joke/
%
At least we know the people who killed the 5 cops in Texas weren't terrorists

Because Muslims can't kill pigs.
I'm going to hell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tm85m/at_least_we_know_the_people_who_killed_the_5_cops/
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What did Donald Trump say to the thieving immigrant at the RNC?

Great speech sweetheart!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tm6ll/what_did_donald_trump_say_to_the_thieving/
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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tm466/a_girl_realized_that_she_had_grown_hair_between/
%
I am trying to get some help for my PTSD...

But it always seems to be one flash forward and then two flashbacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tm1lm/i_am_trying_to_get_some_help_for_my_ptsd/
%
Late to Fight Club

Was late to my Fight Club last night so I missed the intro rules. I love Fight Club, I'd highly recommend Fight Club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tlu9s/late_to_fight_club/
%
I just invented this new word!

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tltc3/i_just_invented_this_new_word/
%
My mailman got a sex change.

I guess you'd call him a post man now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tlss1/my_mailman_got_a_sex_change/
%
I told a little white lie...

or a little black lie,
because all lies matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tlrgy/i_told_a_little_white_lie/
%
I had a terrible experience at the Reddit bistro

All of the servers were busy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tlrch/i_had_a_terrible_experience_at_the_reddit_bistro/
%
A farmer was selling

his peaches door to door. He knocked on a
door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer
negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her
the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they
as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they
nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as
fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood
got my soybeans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think
I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tlqev/a_farmer_was_selling/
%
Once an American asked a Mexican..

"What separates dogs and Mexicans?"
The Mexican said, "A border".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tlhp8/once_an_american_asked_a_mexican/
%
My wife and I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went

But then it dawned on us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tlgpx/my_wife_and_i_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_where/
%
What do you call a dog in a submarine?

A subwoofer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tlfql/what_do_you_call_a_dog_in_a_submarine/
%
Life is like a bowl of soup

You only get blown if you're hot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tlfag/life_is_like_a_bowl_of_soup/
%
As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.
Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.
Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!
Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jokes after all.
Edit 4: lmao this is Nagasaki all over again.
For those who want so bad to insult me, here is a little secret...I get insulted if you insult the basis and principles of my religion, and the stuff you guys mention are not included. So feel free to say anything guys. Sorry for ruining the joke with this edit.    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tl99z/as_a_muslim_redditor_i_feel_disappointed/
%
If you are scared of pedophiles

Grow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tl3tk/if_you_are_scared_of_pedophiles/
%
How do Australians have sex?

They mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tl3pf/how_do_australians_have_sex/
%
What does it look like when someone is drowning?

lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tl3d9/what_does_it_look_like_when_someone_is_drowning/
%
Mexican and Black jokes are all the same...

You've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tl396/mexican_and_black_jokes_are_all_the_same/
%
A guy was lost in the rain one night..

.. And he really needed to find a place to spend at night. He sighted a lone house through his car window and knocked on the door.
An old lady opened it for him and the guy asked for accommodation for the night. The old lady said, "OK son, but will you mind if you'll have to share the bed with Sam?"
The guy says, "No thank you, I'll be fine on the couch." The old lady agrees and he goes to sleep.
The next day he awakes to see a really beautiful girl looking at him. The guy asks, "Who are you?" She said "I'm Sam, and who are you?".
"The most stupid bastard ever!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tl2ke/a_guy_was_lost_in_the_rain_one_night/
%
What does a Muslim cowboy shout on his horse?

Jee hawd!!!!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tl2cb/what_does_a_muslim_cowboy_shout_on_his_horse/
%
The Danceologist

A man was sitting at a bar in London, and ordered a drink.
"So, who are you?", asked the bartender.
"I'm a danceologist. I've studied every dance in the entirety of Oceania".
"Even the Wingo Wango?"
"Mhm", he replied.
"Even the Yapucha dance?", he asked.
"Wait, I've never heard of that one! Can you tell me about it?"
The bartender shook his head. "I can't, but my cousin lives in Darwin. Here's his address. The bartender handed him a business card. The danceologist thanked him, and booked a flight there. When he arrived at the airport, the cousin greeted the danceologist, and took him home.
"Every year on the 12^th of May they do the dance. You see that mountain up there? They live on top. They'll be doing it in 2 weeks.
The danceologist looked at the mountain in awe. Two weeks later, there was a heavy storm. There were collapsing, jagged rocks, and the icy winds battered him. He didn't bring any oxygen, and so he felt too out of breath, and took a rest. Later, he carried on for one last push, and reached the top, where he met the tribe.
"Aha! Is this where the Yapucha dance is?", exclaimed the danceologist.
"Sorry", said the chief. "You missed it by twelve minutes".
"WHAT?!", exclaimed the man. "Can you do it just for me?", he asked.
"Sorry again", said the chief. "It would upset the Gods. Come back next year at 12 o' clock"
Distraught, he went down the mountain. He flew back to London, and waited a full year, holding off any other projects so he could practise, even to the point where he spent less time with his family. When the time came, he flew back to Darwin, climbed out the mountain, combatted the chilly winds, fought off aggressive wildlife, only to get hit by a rock on the head. Despite this, he carried on, and reached the top.
"Am I in time?!", the danceologist panicked.
"Just in time!", laughed the chief. "Are we all ready?"
The other tribesmen got into a circle and nodded. The danceologist watched intently.
"Yapucha left foot in..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tl1er/the_danceologist/
%
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." - Wayne Gretzky

- Melania Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tl0pb/you_miss_100_of_the_shots_you_dont_take_wayne/
%
Why don't people give Melania Trump a break...

Life is hard enough growing up as a black woman in the USA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tkv8v/why_dont_people_give_melania_trump_a_break/
%
What do you call a gust of wind that blows a black guy off of a boat?

The NBA draft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tkuzp/what_do_you_call_a_gust_of_wind_that_blows_a/
%
An American a Chinese and an Indian take a flight

An American a Chinese and a Indian taking a long flight. This flight has no windows and they can't see outside. There is a small hole where you can put your hand out.
So first the American puts his hand out. Feels the air and says "Guys we are now flying over United States" and others ask how does he know. He replies "In my country our skyscrapers are so high I can touch them"
Time passes and the Chinese guy puts his hand out and says "Guys we are now flying over China" and others ask how does he know. He replies "In my country our industrial factories create so much smoke I can feel them"
Finally some time passes the Indian guy puts his hand out and immediately says "Guys that's it I'm positive we are now over India" because his response was really fast the other two puzzled asked how does he know?
He replies "When I put my hand out I had a watch in my hand and its missing now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tkmcm/an_american_a_chinese_and_an_indian_take_a_flight/
%
I think I'm going to sell my theremin

I haven't touched it in ages...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tkm27/i_think_im_going_to_sell_my_theremin/
%
My penis is a gentleman ...

It stands up so ladies have a place to sit down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tklom/my_penis_is_a_gentleman/
%
A little boy gets home from school and says..

"Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
The dad replied"Don't think about it, son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tkkwv/a_little_boy_gets_home_from_school_and_says/
%
How many graphic designers does it take to change a light bulb?

Does it have to be a light bulb? 'Cause I had this other idea...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tkkl7/how_many_graphic_designers_does_it_take_to_change/
%
A man drives to a gas station with the sign "Free sex with every full tank".

The man fills up, goes inside and asks the guy inside for his free sex. The attendant says "Tell me a number between 1 and 10", "7", "That was close, it was 8, better luck next time."
Next week he tries again, and he chooses 2 and close but no free sex. Keep on trying is the attendant advice. The man returns to his car and later shares his disappointment with a coworker.
"But don't you realize" says the coworker "that this is a marketing ploy, and you are never going to win at it?" "I'm not stupid." says the man, "And I know it's not just a ploy, because, three times in a row now, my wife has won it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tkcd4/a_man_drives_to_a_gas_station_with_the_sign_free/
%
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tkbft/why_does_donald_trump_take_xanax/
%
There were 3 men in a hotel...

...the man on the top floor was having a shave, the man on the second floor was having a wee off of his balcony and the man on the bottom floor was having a barbecue.
They all got together at the end of the day to tell each other about their day.
The man on the top floor said "I dropped my razor today"
The man in the second floor said "My willy got chopped off"
And the man on the bottom floor said "I got a free sausage"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tk70n/there_were_3_men_in_a_hotel/
%
How long does it take to sail from Dorne to Mereen?

It Varys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tk5o3/how_long_does_it_take_to_sail_from_dorne_to_mereen/
%
So I recently went to Australia...

I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tk4g9/so_i_recently_went_to_australia/
%
If Earth is the third planet from Sun after Mercury and Venus

Doesn't that make every country a third world country?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tk3uk/if_earth_is_the_third_planet_from_sun_after/
%
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?

Because they have a common enemy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tk1nr/why_do_grandparents_and_grandchildren_get_along/
%
A roman walks into a bar

holds up two fingers and says "5 beers please"﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjzd8/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

-Wayne Gretzky
-Michael Scott
-Melania Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjx2w/you_miss_100_of_the_shots_you_dont_take/
%
How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjree/how_many_apples_grow_on_a_tree/
%
My friend was putting lipstick on her forehead

She said she was trying to make-up her mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjqyl/my_friend_was_putting_lipstick_on_her_forehead/
%
"With great power, comes great responsibility"

- - Melania Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjqqr/with_great_power_comes_great_responsibility/
%
My girlfriend keeps telling me to finding the Clitoris.

Can anyone tell me what Pokemon that is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjp85/my_girlfriend_keeps_telling_me_to_finding_the/
%
A plane was once flying over an island..

A plane was once flying over an island when the passengers heard the pilot's voice:
“Ladies & Gentlemen, if you look on the right side of the plane, you'll see an engine on fire. If you look on the left side, you'll see a wing on fire. And if you look down, you'll see me and my co-pilot in parachutes, waving at you. This is a recording.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjp2h/a_plane_was_once_flying_over_an_island/
%
Whats the dumbest animal in the jungle?

Polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjmd0/whats_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
%
How is prison like quidditch?

The game ends when they catch the snitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjm20/how_is_prison_like_quidditch/
%
I’m a moth

I walked into a dentist’s office. The dentist asked me what the problem was.
I said, “I’m a moth.”
The dentist said, “You’re a moth?”
I said, “Yes! I’m a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I’m a moth!”
The dentist said, “Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist’s office. He’s two doors further down the hall.”
I said, “I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjleg/im_a_moth/
%
Who built King Arthur's round table?

*Sir Cumference*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjl06/who_built_king_arthurs_round_table/
%
What do you call a German who cringes a lot?

Vince

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjkl4/what_do_you_call_a_german_who_cringes_a_lot/
%
What's the difference between a man who falls off a building from the 20th floor, and a man who falls off a building from the 2nd floor?

The man from the 20th floor goes:
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!" *thud*
While the man from the 2nd floor goes:
*thud* "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjhhy/whats_the_difference_between_a_man_who_falls_off/
%
They say choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life...

because that field probably isn't hiring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjhd1/they_say_choose_a_major_you_love_and_youll_never/
%
What do you call a scary horse?

A night-mare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjcwq/what_do_you_call_a_scary_horse/
%
A hunter feeds his kids

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tjaw4/a_hunter_feeds_his_kids/
%
a great joke to tell on the phone

What has a little dick and hangs down? a bat!
now what has a big dick and hangs up?  *click*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tj9oc/a_great_joke_to_tell_on_the_phone/
%
An Old Man Visits A Brothel

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tj8fl/an_old_man_visits_a_brothel/
%
What's the most popular occupation in Italy?

Pastatution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tj6ns/whats_the_most_popular_occupation_in_italy/
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I like my women like I like my Poke Stops.

Ready to go again in 5 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tj595/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_poke_stops/
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What do you call a gay man in his house by himself?

homolone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tj43u/what_do_you_call_a_gay_man_in_his_house_by_himself/
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The worst thing about Jonestown jokes?

The punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tj3z2/the_worst_thing_about_jonestown_jokes/
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How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just wait for it to burn out and follow it around the country for 20 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tj1st/how_many_grateful_dead_fans_does_it_take_to_screw/
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What's a vampire cows worst fear?

Steaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tj1ex/whats_a_vampire_cows_worst_fear/
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An old duck hunter is sitting on his front porch at 6:00 am drinking coffee and watching the sun rise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "A roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tizyz/an_old_duck_hunter_is_sitting_on_his_front_porch/
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Help, I just sunk the wrong submarine and I need legal advice

Whoops! Wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tizsi/help_i_just_sunk_the_wrong_submarine_and_i_need/
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How do you kill a circus?

You go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tiz6z/how_do_you_kill_a_circus/
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So I recently opened a suicide bomb shop in Syria, and it's doing great!

Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tixrt/so_i_recently_opened_a_suicide_bomb_shop_in_syria/
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Black lives matter

But only three fifths as much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tiv63/black_lives_matter/
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Two men are out golfing

The first one goes up to the tee, swinging and hooking it right into a water hazard.  He pulls out a second ball from his pocket when his buddy yells at him.
"The hell do you think you're doing?"
"Well you see, I made a new golf play.  I call it 'The Clinton.'  You see, I didn't intend to hit it into the hazard, so there's no penalty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tispc/two_men_are_out_golfing/
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If the Founding Fathers were alive today, what would they be doing?

clawing at the tops of their coffins and screaming, probably.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tirvz/if_the_founding_fathers_were_alive_today_what/
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HIGHLY TRAINED MONKEYS

A guy walks into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, an engineer from the local airport walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a Line Service Monkey, please."
The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the engineer, saying, "That'll be $1,000."
The engineer paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the first customer went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah-----that was a Line Service Monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all types of aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He's well worth the money. "
With his interest peaked, the customer then looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?" he asked.
"Oh, that one is a Maintenance Supervisor Monkey. He can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The customer continued to look around the shop a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read $50,000.
Reading that, the customer said, "$50,000!!!! Holy shit, what does this one do?"
"Well", the shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his penis, but his papers say... he's a pilot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tikv4/highly_trained_monkeys/
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What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tij9f/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_michael/
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There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial.

Its all the rage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tifvy/there_is_a_trend_in_psychotherapy_called_anger/
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You know what really gets my goat?

El chupacabra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tifgt/you_know_what_really_gets_my_goat/
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A co-worker found out I'm 'semi-retired.' "What's that like?" he asked.

"It's like being semi-erect. It ain't too hard, but you still can't do what you want."
Original content, as far as I know. I actually said this at work today. We laughed and laughed. Then I cried a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tid3q/a_coworker_found_out_im_semiretired_whats_that/
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Three nuns are met by a flasher.

So three nuns are walking together after morning services, when a pervert in a trenchcoat jumps out of some bushes and flashes them.
The first nun, she had a stroke.
The second nun also had a stroke.
The third nun didn't touch him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tiby8/three_nuns_are_met_by_a_flasher/
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How do you pay a bartender?

With bar tender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tiawz/how_do_you_pay_a_bartender/
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Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

She uses the other one to moan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ti96v/why_does_helen_keller_masturbate_with_one_hand/
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Why is a laundromat a bad place to pick up women?

Because if she can't afford a washer and dryer, she will never be able to support your broke ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ti7ly/why_is_a_laundromat_a_bad_place_to_pick_up_women/
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Conjunctivitis.com

That's a site for sore eyes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ti3te/conjunctivitiscom/
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Timmy : I'm Hungary

.
Mum : Why don't you Czech the fridge.
Timmy : Ok, I'm Russian to the kitchen.
Mum : Hmm...maybe you'll find some Turkey.
Timmy : Yeah, but its all covered in Greece. Yuck !
Mum : There is Norway you can eat that.
Timmy : I know, I guess I'll just have a can of Chile.
Mum : Denmark your name on the can.
Timmy : Kenya do it for me?
Mum : Ok , I'm Ghana do it.
Timmy : Thanks, i'm so tired Iran for an hour today.
Mum : It Tokyo long enough.
Timmy : Yeah, Israelly hard sometimes !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ti2w5/timmy_im_hungary/
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What's a Muslim's favorite TV show?

It's always sunni in Philadelphia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ti203/whats_a_muslims_favorite_tv_show/
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How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4thwn2/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
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A pilot on a commercial flight is giving his usual landing spiel...

... "we are expected to arrive at 7:00PM, the temperature on the ground is 12 degrees, thank you for flying" etc etc.
After he’s done, though, he forgets to turn the comms switch off. His co-pilot sighs and say to him, ‘so what are you up to tonight then?’
The pilot replies: “well first I’m going to take a massive shit, then I’m going to try and bang the arse off Heather, that hot new flight attendant we’ve got back there”
Obviously the whole cabin hears this, and Heather is absolutely furious. Red-faced and extremely flustered, she stops what she is doing and storms towards the cockpit.
About three-quarters of the way there, she trips and falls flat on her face. Now even more embarrassed, she picks herself up and apologises to the old lady next to her
The old lady pats her on the hand and says, “there’s no need to rush, pet, he said he’s taking a sh1te first”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4thwbq/a_pilot_on_a_commercial_flight_is_giving_his/
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How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4thw4t/how_do_people_in_other_countries_tell_if_kids_are/
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An old woman gets pulled over for speeding..

The cop says, do you know why I pulled you over? You were speeding! She replies.. oh thank god! I thought it was for the drugs, guns and dead bodies in my trunk... oops. The cop, surprised, immediately calls for backup and dogs and swat.. the whole 9 yards. After about an hour of searching and discussing, another officer walks up to the old woman.. excuse me maam.. but the other police officer said you had guns, drugs and bodies in your trunk? The old woman, with a surprised look replies, "He did? Oh my God! I bet that lying Mother fucker said I was speeding too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4thvj6/an_old_woman_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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My sister asked me to take off her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt".
I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes". I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and panties".
And so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4thtbu/my_sister_asked_me_to_take_off_her_clothes/
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Give a man a plane ticket...

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
First post sorry if its a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4thswd/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket/
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What's the hardest thing about becoming a lawyer in Ireland?

Passing the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4thpsd/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_becoming_a_lawyer/
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I like my pillow like.....

I like my pillow, like I like my women.
Lumpy, covered in drool, and can take a punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4thp4y/i_like_my_pillow_like/
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What were the yoga instructor's last words when he got electrocuted?

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4thmj1/what_were_the_yoga_instructors_last_words_when_he/
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A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three.

He says "Uno, dos.." *poof* He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4thj28/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
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What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4theg3/whats_the_difference_between_woody_from_toy_story/
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I was about to have drunken sex with a prostitute.

I fumbled around with the condom for so long that the she took it out of my hands, somewhat frustrated, and said, "Do you want me to put it on for you?"
"Yes please," I winked.
"OK." she said, "But you're going to have to get me erect first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4thd18/i_was_about_to_have_drunken_sex_with_a_prostitute/
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If you don't know what a prefix is, don't worry.

It's not the end of the word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4th6rb/if_you_dont_know_what_a_prefix_is_dont_worry/
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I was asked by a feminist how I viewed lesbian relationships

I guess in HD was not the answer she was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4th5a4/i_was_asked_by_a_feminist_how_i_viewed_lesbian/
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These three priest get together to compare notes;

They are discussing how they decide what portion of the collections goes to God (Back into the church) and what they keep for themselves.
The first one says, no matter how much money we get after collections, I only keep 10% for myself. The rest goes to God.
The second one says, no matter  how much money we get after collection, I add up all my personal expenses, including wages. I then pay myself from the collections. The rest goes to God.
The third one says, no matter how much money we get after collection, I gather everything, put it in a basket, I throw all the money in the air. I ask God to grab what ever he needs. Then whatever lands on the ground, I keep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4th40e/these_three_priest_get_together_to_compare_notes/
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A guy walks into a brothel...

And tells the Madam that his wife hasn't done anything with him in months and that he's starving to get off. The madam kindly let's him know that all of the women are taken, but she leans in close and let's him know that if he's really starving for action that he can go in the far room in the back and that he'll find something that may satisfy him.
Perplexed and really itching for action, he goes through several dimly lit rooms until he sees a giant bed. Suddenly he hears a door open and a chicken falls out of the wall. As soon as he turns to leave, he hears the door latch behind him. Eager to get off, he thinks, "fuck it" and rolls up his sleeves.
After about an hour, the door unlocks and the man steps out, scratched, beaten and broken but finally relieved. He walks up to the front and tells the Madam that it's the best sex he's ever had and exclaims that he'll be back next week for more.
After the week goes by, the man comes back in, ready for more. He casually leans up to the counter and requests an hour with the chicken. The Madam let's him know that the chicken is currently taken but if he wanted to, he could go upstairs and go down the hall to the waiting area. The man agrees and goes into the room where a bunch of guys are jerking off over a window in the floor. He casually walks up and sees a full on orgy of beautiful women in the bed below. He leans to the guy next to him and whispers, "man this is great!"  The man leans over and whispers, "if you think this is great, last week there was a guy trying to fuck a chicken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4th1yu/a_guy_walks_into_a_brothel/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tgwrd/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
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Three statisticians go hunting

They spot a bird, and take turns trying to shoot it.
The first statistician shoots 10 feet above the bird
The second statistician shoots 10 feet below the bird
The third statistician shouts "We got it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tgw7l/three_statisticians_go_hunting/
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How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. Just because she's dead doesn't mean she can't still screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tgowd/how_many_dead_prostitutes_does_it_take_to_change/
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Hobo Sex

Hobo walks back into the camp where his buddies are having dinner.  He is all happy and smiling.
They ask, why are you so happy.
He replies, well, I was walking along the track and found a beautiful woman tied to the tracks.   I untied her and we had sex for hours.
One of his buddies asks: "Did you get any head"
"No", he replied, "the train took most of that".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tgncb/hobo_sex/
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what would you call superman if he was deaf and mexican?

No hero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tgn8x/what_would_you_call_superman_if_he_was_deaf_and/
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Two nuns are walking in a forest.

All of a sudden two maniacs attack them and start sexually abusing them. One of the nuns says :
• Oh god... please forgive them! they don't know what they are doing!
The other nun turns around and says :
• Mine does!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tgn4i/two_nuns_are_walking_in_a_forest/
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Why would you wear two pairs of pants while golfing?

You might get a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tgmny/why_would_you_wear_two_pairs_of_pants_while/
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A man died and...

A man died and went up to the Pearly Gates to stand before Saint Peter. Peter told him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us *any*thing you did that can help us make a decision?”
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Well, yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a man who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got my baseball bat out from behind my seat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive, When did this happen?” asked Peter.
“About three minutes ago.”
(Apologies if this is a re-post.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tglhe/a_man_died_and/
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Watching a boxing match.

A husband and his wife are watching a boxing match. The husband  says :
• I'm so disappointed, everything ended in just 4 minutes...
His wife starts laughing and says :
• Now you know how i feel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tgl04/watching_a_boxing_match/
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What's the difference between pea soup and mashed potatoes?

Anyone can mash potatoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tgfv0/whats_the_difference_between_pea_soup_and_mashed/
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What's the opposite of Congress?

Progress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tgfkn/whats_the_opposite_of_congress/
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How are Joeffrey Baratheon and wheat related?

They're both in-bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tgf6h/how_are_joeffrey_baratheon_and_wheat_related/
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What's the opposite of the constitution?

The prostitution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tgeq0/whats_the_opposite_of_the_constitution/
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What's the difference between a classical musician and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of five.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tgbgz/whats_the_difference_between_a_classical_musician/
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The Force Awakens could have been much shorter.

All the First Order had to do to get rid of the Resistance was to use a superconductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tg781/the_force_awakens_could_have_been_much_shorter/
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I went up to a sexy girl in a bar.

I said, "Would you like to come back to my place?"
"I think you should ask my boyfriend first." she smiled.
I said, "No thanks. I'm not gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tg6ih/i_went_up_to_a_sexy_girl_in_a_bar/
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A man died in a tragic skydiving accident.

Some say he left an impact on the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfzxn/a_man_died_in_a_tragic_skydiving_accident/
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Jesus is always watching.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfxii/jesus_is_always_watching/
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A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners...

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. On the way out of the door the lady at the counter says come again. The blonde says no, its toothpaste this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tftct/a_blonde_drops_off_a_shirt_at_the_cleaners/
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A Terrible car accident...

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the emergency room and says his wife’s been in an accident.
They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor and minutes later he comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks.
“Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?”
The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”
“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?”
Dr. Smith says “Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However,her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.”
Mr. Jones begins to sob.
“And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
“Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and the diapers must be changed throughout the day.”
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues, “You’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.”
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.
“Hey, I’m just fucking with you, she’s dead.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfspp/a_terrible_car_accident/
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So a guy walks into a bar for a beer

Sits down and spots a jar full of 20$ notes , he asks the bartender what it was for and the bartender explains that if anyone does the 3 bar challenges , they would get the jar as a reward . So the man asks what the challenges were and the bartender starts explaining ...
1. You have to go knock out that buff guy at the back in one punch
2. That huge german sheperd has a sore tooth so you must pull it out bare handed
3. You must give that ugly woman her first orgasm
The man says nah il pass mate , he drinks a couple beers and then gets messed up so he goes to the really buff dude . POW one hit ko the buff dude is sent flying into the wall . He then leaves outside to the dog and after a lot of growling and barking the guy comes back in and asks the bartender : " Wheres the woman with a sore tooth ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfsbo/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_for_a_beer/
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Importance of Audience

Father Murphy woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
had to play golf.
He told the Associate Priest that he was feeling sick and persuaded
him to say Mass for him that day.
The moment the Associate Priest left the room, Father Murphy headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.Setting up on the first tee, he thrilled at having got away with it.
He was completely alone.
After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
Completely transfixed as they watched him tee up from the heavens, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord and exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Murphy hit the ball. It shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished.
He looked over at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfs42/importance_of_audience/
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Angel.

Jeff is talking to Ben :
• My wife is an angel.
Ben tells him :
• Lucky you, mine is still alive...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfpy3/angel/
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My sister invited a few friends over and they were playing Truth or Dare.

I listened from around the corner, being the nosy brother that I am. It was my sister's turn and she chose "Truth". I listened on intently.
One of her friends giggled and said, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?"
My sister thought for a few seconds and said, "It was a week ago."
Then I burst into the room and shouted, "I knew you faked it last night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfpse/my_sister_invited_a_few_friends_over_and_they/
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A man asks a farmer near a field

, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfofr/a_man_asks_a_farmer_near_a_field/
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Did you know Helen Keller had a dog?

Neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfmhx/did_you_know_helen_keller_had_a_dog/
%
Whenever I go bowling....

I enter my name as "3 testicles".
That way, occasionally the monitor says "Congratulations 3 testicles! You got a spare!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfjqh/whenever_i_go_bowling/
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Weird Al and Vin Diesel should team up with a chip tune band

Then they could be Al, Vin & The Chip Monks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfhu8/weird_al_and_vin_diesel_should_team_up_with_a/
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My boss touched me inappropriately at work today.

It's quite rewarding working from home I tell ya

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tffgc/my_boss_touched_me_inappropriately_at_work_today/
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You are what you think you are

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: So you’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfer0/you_are_what_you_think_you_are/
%
Tingly feeling

You know that nice tingly feeling you get when you're falling for someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfdvc/tingly_feeling/
%
Love every corner

They said you will find love in every corner.
I must say my life is in a circle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfaxu/love_every_corner/
%
Black Guy shot 15 times by the Alabama Police

Worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfa8j/black_guy_shot_15_times_by_the_alabama_police/
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My first submission, it used to play well with my father-in-law

Two Jewish men, Ari and Hymie, were walking down a city street, whereupon they happened to pass in front of a Catholic church. The church had a big sign out in front saying:
**"Convert To Catholicism and Receive $10! Today Only!!"**
Hymie stopped and studied the sign with a contemplative look.
"No...", said Ari apprehensively, "tell me you're not actually considering converting!"
"I've been thinking about this, and today is as good of a day as ever," Hymie replied.
Ari stood there speechless as his old friend walked into the church. About fifteen minutes later, Hymie walked back out smiling.
"What happened Hymie!?" the still incredulous Ari asked, "How did it go??"
"Fine," Hymie assured him, "It was easy."
Ari seemed to relax as they resumed walking, but then stopped. "Wait...did you get the $10?"
Hymie looked at him with disdain and said, "What...is that all you people think of?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tfa4p/my_first_submission_it_used_to_play_well_with_my/
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How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb.?

Three. One to screw it in and the second to take credit for it.
And the other to repeat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tf9gd/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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How many virgins does take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously more than 72, or all those suicide bomber would have seen the light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tf815/how_many_virgins_does_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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Hung like a baby

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered from a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old's.
He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much.
However, Jim felt this was the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity.
Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant's, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant- sized penis."
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Jim rushed Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant's!"
"It is. . . 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tf6gz/hung_like_a_baby/
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Guy discovers Terrorist Hideout..

Reporter: So how did you catch 'em?
Guy: Umm.. I just found this Charizard then...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tf5ek/guy_discovers_terrorist_hideout/
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There are almost no problems that cannot be solved by adding puppies into the equation...

except for world hunger...which come to think of it, they can also solve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tf50c/there_are_almost_no_problems_that_cannot_be/
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__________________________________________

Just drawing the line somewhere on R/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tf0oa/_/
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Why did the prostitute cry after her customer left?

He gave her the biggest tip she ever had

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tezjw/why_did_the_prostitute_cry_after_her_customer_left/
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There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a dick like mine.

Camera man, light and sound technician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tezh6/theres_plenty_of_jobs_in_the_porn_industry_when/
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I met up with my internet friend yesterday.

We were both disappointed when we realised we were both middle aged men, and not 10-year-old girls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4texyt/i_met_up_with_my_internet_friend_yesterday/
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What are Turkish cattle best known for?

Mootiny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tewmf/what_are_turkish_cattle_best_known_for/
%
After a long walk in the woods..

After a long walk in the woods a guy found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give him a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and he was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. The guy agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.
The next morning, he awoke alone, but then figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked the guy. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tewbd/after_a_long_walk_in_the_woods/
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Curious Children

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tevip/curious_children/
%
An old man is walking in the hospital...

An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4teu1c/an_old_man_is_walking_in_the_hospital/
%
The circus came to town and needed a new lion tamer

. The ringmaster put an ad in the local paper asking for the people of the town to come in for tryouts for the lion tamer job.
The next day there was a long line of town folk waiting to take their turn at lion taming. At the front of the line is a beautiful blonde in a trench coat.
The ring master says, to the blonde "Are you ready for your tryout?" She replies "Yes" and the ring master puts her in the cage with the lion.
The lion roars and charges then leaps at the blonde. The blonde rips open her trench coat and lion falls to the ground and begins to lick her feet.
The ringmaster walks over to the next guy in line and says, "That's impressive, do you think you can do that?" The man replies, "Heck yeah, just get that god damn lion out of there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tes9j/the_circus_came_to_town_and_needed_a_new_lion/
%
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

you knock on the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4teq80/how_do_you_sink_a_submarine_full_of_blondes/
%
Owning a sword is like being a horny priest...

Owning a sword is like being a horny priest, even though you want to, you can never use it without breaking the law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tepat/owning_a_sword_is_like_being_a_horny_priest/
%
Elton John was asked if he'd like an iceberg lettuce in his salad

he thought for a moment and replied "no thanks, I'm a rocket man"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4teob8/elton_john_was_asked_if_hed_like_an_iceberg/
%
How are blind kids punished by their parents?

The parents move the furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tek3k/how_are_blind_kids_punished_by_their_parents/
%
Girlfriends are similar to Chrome

They use too much of your resources

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tej80/girlfriends_are_similar_to_chrome/
%
What happens if you try to sit on Death's couch?

There will be grim reaper cushions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tegit/what_happens_if_you_try_to_sit_on_deaths_couch/
%
What's the difference between onions and your mother-in-law?

You don't cry when chopping your mother-in-law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tegdu/whats_the_difference_between_onions_and_your/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tecnm/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
A little girl asks her grandpa..

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"
"Yes," the grandpa replied.
"Did God make you too?"
"Yes," the grandpa said.
"Well," the little girl said, looking at his wrinkles and thinning hair. "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4teb7z/a_little_girl_asks_her_grandpa/
%
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4teb7r/how_many_dead_prostitutes_does_it_take_to_change/
%
An airplane is about to crash...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? "A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4te8ii/an_airplane_is_about_to_crash/
%
3 policemen are sent to investigate a murder case.

One American, one Chinese and one Indian.
They approach the cave where the corpse is laying and immediately notice a horrid stench coming from the cave.
The Chinese policeman goes in first, and after a mere 10 seconds inside he runs out vomiting, unable to stand the smell.
Next, the American policeman goes in. He lasted longer, but only managed to stay inside for a mere 10 minutes, before suffering from the same fate as the Chinese policeman.
The Indian policeman goes in last, determined to do a better job. After 10 seconds, the corpse runs out vomiting, unable to take the smell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4te7qw/3_policemen_are_sent_to_investigate_a_murder_case/
%
How many redditers does it take to change a light bulb?

3. One to screw it in, the next to claim credit and the third to be a bot that reposts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4te6eq/how_many_redditers_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Ever heard a good joke about sodium?

Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdyqu/ever_heard_a_good_joke_about_sodium/
%
My girlfriend said last night "Fuck me like a man"

So I putted in her ass and started calling her George

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdwda/my_girlfriend_said_last_night_fuck_me_like_a_man/
%
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs...they screw in dirty sleeping bags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdtrk/how_many_hippies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What does ebony porn have in common with space?

Black holes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdpu1/what_does_ebony_porn_have_in_common_with_space/
%
I had a dream last night that I was a muffler...

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdno9/i_had_a_dream_last_night_that_i_was_a_muffler/
%
What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair brown?

Artificial Intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdmzi/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_who_dyed_her_hair_brown/
%
Why does John Snow wear a Rolex ?

Because he's a man of the nice watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdlne/why_does_john_snow_wear_a_rolex/
%
Marrige

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdkvj/marrige/
%
An old man is walking around town sprinkling an unknown powder as he goes...

Thinking the old man is senile, some of the townspeople inform the local police to ensure his safety. A police officer approaches the man and asks, "Sir, why are you spreading powder all over the town?" To which the old man replies, "To keep the elephants away of course." Confused, the police man says, "But sir, there are no elephants." The old man smirks, "Good powder, eh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdje1/an_old_man_is_walking_around_town_sprinkling_an/
%
Is your refrigerator running?

Because if it is, I might vote for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdibw/is_your_refrigerator_running/
%
What do you call a place that you put an arrested caucasian gang member in?

A white blood cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdi1o/what_do_you_call_a_place_that_you_put_an_arrested/
%
An Anus gets into a fight with two guys at a bar

he rectum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdhfn/an_anus_gets_into_a_fight_with_two_guys_at_a_bar/
%
There's a boy-band fan club whose members are all gay called the Hopeful Rooks.

Eventually they want to be able to move back and forth in One Direction as much as they want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdfmz/theres_a_boyband_fan_club_whose_members_are_all/
%
A chicken walks into a bar

and clucks at the bartender. The bartender says, "No fowl language allowed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdel7/a_chicken_walks_into_a_bar/
%
One time I walked into a bathroom and there were no urinals

I thought, "huh... that's strange." The girls that came in after me were apparently pretty freaked out by it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdejg/one_time_i_walked_into_a_bathroom_and_there_were/
%
"Siri, why am I single?"

Siri: opens front face camera

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tdcnm/siri_why_am_i_single/
%
Hit a pig with my car

I was driving home from my buddies place which is out in the middle of nowhere. I've done this drive a dozen times so I wasn't paying much attention to the road, giving glances to my phone. Saw the street light ahead about a mile or so down the road when BOOM, I hit something. I stopped my car and looked down the road to see a pig laying on its side. I checked my car and didn't see any real damage. I looked around and saw no street or farm signs or anything of the like. The pig then tried to get up but fell down again. He looked at me with a "help me" look in his face but I was no vet and wasn't planning on throwing him in the back of the car. He looked rattled but seemed to have no serious injury to him (no blood, head was intact, no missing limbs, etc), so I decided to get out of there.
The next day we get a knock at the door and my wife answers the door. She yells to me, "babe the cops are here for you..."
I go to the door and one of the cops says, "hello sir I'm officer White and this is officer Smith, we would like to ask you a couple questions."
"Okay, how can I help you officers?"
"Well, you can start by telling me where you were last night"
"I went to my buddies house out by the ranches to play some cards and came home" I said.
"Okay, do you drive a white Honda Civic with license plate ...."
"Yes" I said, "what is this about"
"Sorry sir but we have a report from a local farmer that you were involved in a felony hit and run with his pig. Unfortunately we are going to have to take you in"
I tried pleading my case by saying that there was no one around and that I looked for signs for someone to call but found none, but they didn't seem to care. They put the cuffs on me and I started to walk to their car. As I made the walk I looked at one of the officers, "sir, I'm sorry but how did this even come about? Who told the farmer that I had hit the pig? I don't understand. It was in the middle of nowhere, no one was around and it was night out."
I started to sit down in the back of the car and right before he closed the door he said, "the pig squealed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4td81r/hit_a_pig_with_my_car/
%
If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men?

Palm Sunday.
First time posting, please be gentle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4td4jb/if_valentines_day_is_for_couples_what_day_is_for/
%
A few weeks ago I wrote happy Eid to the Muslims and autocorrect changed it to Happy IED.

It almost blew up in my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4td2ke/a_few_weeks_ago_i_wrote_happy_eid_to_the_muslims/
%
Monica Lewinsky is voting for Donald Trump

in the 2016 Presidential Election, because the last time a Clinton was in office, it left a bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4td1c1/monica_lewinsky_is_voting_for_donald_trump/
%
Three german soldiers...

... Walk into a BAR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tcv50/three_german_soldiers/
%
A mushrooms walks into a bar...

... The bartender yells "Get the hell outta here!"
The mushroom says "But why?! I'm a Fungi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tcunw/a_mushrooms_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why can't redditors sew?

Because the thread has been locked by a moderator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tctlj/why_cant_redditors_sew/
%
I was at this party the other day and saw....

that there was no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tcso0/i_was_at_this_party_the_other_day_and_saw/
%
What's the difference between a Pokemon Go player and a Facebook user??

Pokemon Go players are only wasting their own time ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tcs25/whats_the_difference_between_a_pokemon_go_player/
%
When cooking, I sometimes talk to my knife.

I talk to it about my current life situations.
The knife tells me I'm crazy.
It tends to be pretty sharp about these things, so I guess it has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tcrhv/when_cooking_i_sometimes_talk_to_my_knife/
%
My ex-girlfriend had a parakeet

That fucking thing would never shut up.
The bird was pretty cool though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tcom5/my_exgirlfriend_had_a_parakeet/
%
So pokemon go is now just as popular as tinder.

Both are apps where you swipe to find monsters in your area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tcncw/so_pokemon_go_is_now_just_as_popular_as_tinder/
%
An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan

and hires a hooker.
The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!"
He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he has pleased the hooker to best of his ability.
The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one.
Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner turns to him and says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tcm3l/an_american_businessman_is_on_a_business_trip_in/
%
What do you get when the Pillsbury dough boys bend over?

Dough-nuts (South Park reference again; just spreading it).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tclae/what_do_you_get_when_the_pillsbury_dough_boys/
%
A truck driver runs over a woman. Whose fault is it?

The truck driver's, he was driving through her kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tcjlk/a_truck_driver_runs_over_a_woman_whose_fault_is_it/
%
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

It ain't hard....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tchbf/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_on_a_nude_beach/
%
What's the difference between Hitler and Lance Armstrong?

Lance armstrong can finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tcf2e/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_lance/
%
A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire.  When they get inside they see an Irishman  passed out from smoke inhalation.  They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to.  The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get started?!" The Irishman responds "I don't know it was burning when I walked in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tc84b/a_bar_is_burning_to_the_ground_and_a_team_of/
%
What's the best part about having a blind partner?

You know they won't be seeing other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tc7gv/whats_the_best_part_about_having_a_blind_partner/
%
What is the most awesomely amazing word in the English language?

Anticlimactic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tc6ks/what_is_the_most_awesomely_amazing_word_in_the/
%
I named my boobs...

I named my boobs All and Hell, 'cause when my bra comes off All Hell breaks loose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tc45t/i_named_my_boobs/
%
PSYCHOLOGY WORK

A doctor of Psychology was doing his normal morning rounds. He enters a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see, I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh, that's my friend. He is a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb," says his patient.
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
Then the sawing man says with a confused look,
"And what...work in the dark?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tc3sl/psychology_work/
%
A Chinese guy walks into a bar...

A Chinese guy walks into a bar, and sits next to Jeff, and starts drinking his beer. Jeff asks him :
• My friend, do you know any martial arts, kung fu, karate or other stuff?
• Why do you ask, is it because i'm Chinese?
• No, it's because you are drinking my beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tc2jg/a_chinese_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why couldn't the chameleon change colors?

It had reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tc21u/why_couldnt_the_chameleon_change_colors/
%
Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark?

Because black people can't swim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tc1qr/why_is_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_so_dark/
%
What do you call a drunk blue hedgehog?

Gin and sonic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tc1ja/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_blue_hedgehog/
%
My satellite navigation told me to turn around.

Now I can't see where I'm driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tc18s/my_satellite_navigation_told_me_to_turn_around/
%
A nurse pulls out a thermometer out of her pocket and says:

Shit.....some asshole has got my pen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tc06r/a_nurse_pulls_out_a_thermometer_out_of_her_pocket/
%
My friend thinks he is smart.

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbzx7/my_friend_thinks_he_is_smart/
%
Do You Know Why The Scarecrow Won The Nobel Prize?

Because he was outstanding in his field!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbzaj/do_you_know_why_the_scarecrow_won_the_nobel_prize/
%
What's the difference between a circus and a strip club?

The circus has a bunch of cunning stunts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbxry/whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a_strip/
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Three dead men arrive at Saint Peter's gates...

Saint Peter explains that before they are allowed in, they need to tell him the story of their death.
The first man explains, "Well, I was having a bad day at work, so I left early and came home. When I got to my apartment, I noticed that my wife was there, and loud moans were coming from the bedroom. I thought she might have a man in there so I ran and got my hammer, and couldn't help but start shouting that I was going to kill him. I get into the bedroom with my hammer, and sure enough there she is trying to throw on her clothes. I run out to the balcony, where I find the guy she was sleeping with, dangling off the balcony, probably trying to jump down to the apartment below us. Well I start bashing his fingers with my hammer until he lets go. We live on the 9th floor, but it looked like he didn't die because he landed on a bush. He was definitely injured though because he wasn't moving much. I was so furious that I needed to kill him. I looked around my apartment for something heavy to drop on him. I don't know where I got the strength from, but I lifted up my refrigerator and hoisted it over the balcony, where it fell 9 storied, and crushed him. I was so upset that I jumped over the balcony myself, and that's how I died."
The 2nd man goes "well I live on the 11th floor of an apartment building. I was home, out on my balcony enjoying myself, when all of a sudden a huge gust of wind came and blew me off the balcony. I scrambled to grab on to anything and luckily I caught the balcony a few floors below me. As I was struggling to pull myself up, this madman came out with a hammer and started smashing my fingers in! I couldn't hold on and fell all the way to the ground. Luckily again, I landed on a bush and was dazed, but okay. Then I looked up and saw this huge box start to fall on me. It got bigger... and bigger...and SPLAT. It smashed me, and that's how I died."
The 3rd man goes, "Well, I left work early to go back to my secretary's apartment, to have some fun. As things started heating up, I heard someone come into her apartment. She told me her husband is crazy and I'd better go hide. I looked and looked for somewhere to hide, when finally I decided on, the refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbx2u/three_dead_men_arrive_at_saint_peters_gates/
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A man asked for directions to the guillotine festival...

It's just ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbwps/a_man_asked_for_directions_to_the_guillotine/
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My friend asked me if I wanted to walk down a hill with him.

I declined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbwmo/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_walk_down_a/
%
I just can't stop making dad jokes!

I don't know how much father I can go....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbs39/i_just_cant_stop_making_dad_jokes/
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Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbqvl/why_did_the_alcoholic_comedian_quit_performing/
%
I just dumped a pair of conjoined twins.

I said, "It's not you, it's you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbqua/i_just_dumped_a_pair_of_conjoined_twins/
%
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day...

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbqae/a_linguistics_professor_was_lecturing_his_class/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a racist

I'd have so much cash on me I'd probably get mugged by a black man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbn8f/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_called/
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I asked my hairdresser to take a little bit off.

I just really want to see her tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbmre/i_asked_my_hairdresser_to_take_a_little_bit_off/
%
I saw two blind dudes fighting the other day...

.. and I yelled "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!"
Both of them ran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbkvp/i_saw_two_blind_dudes_fighting_the_other_day/
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I'm trying to tell fewer dick jokes

But it's really hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbcpp/im_trying_to_tell_fewer_dick_jokes/
%
A racist joke.

Donald Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbbq4/a_racist_joke/
%
Sherlock and Dr Watson were engaging in gay sex...

...they run out of lube so Sherlock grabs some lemon curd from the fridge and and covers his  knob in it. Confused Watson asked:
"What in Gods name is that Sherlock?"
To which Sherlock replied:
"Lemon entry my dear Watson"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tbb9j/sherlock_and_dr_watson_were_engaging_in_gay_sex/
%
My wife told me to take all of her clothes off last night

I was so embarrassed. I really wish she'd tell me when she was coming home early

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tb7a4/my_wife_told_me_to_take_all_of_her_clothes_off/
%
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tb61e/a_girl_realized_that_she_had_grown_hair_between/
%
guy

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tb4gb/guy/
%
I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body

But then my mother gave birth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tb3yi/i_used_to_be_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
%
My local barber was busted today for dealing drugs.

I'm in shock.  I've been a loyal customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tb00s/my_local_barber_was_busted_today_for_dealing_drugs/
%
Why are gas giants always so happy?

Because they're so Jovial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tazmd/why_are_gas_giants_always_so_happy/
%
Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I immediately throw half of them away.

I don't want unlucky people working in my department.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4taz6x/whenever_i_get_a_stack_of_resumes_i_immediately/
%
I think I'm going to sell my Theremin..

Haven't touched it in ages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tawu2/i_think_im_going_to_sell_my_theremin/
%
What do you call a reptile detective ?

An investigator
Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tavzv/what_do_you_call_a_reptile_detective/
%
German girlfriend

My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tav80/german_girlfriend/
%
Who's the dankest pokemon?

Vaporeon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tashe/whos_the_dankest_pokemon/
%
A German soldier, Japanese soldier, and Italian soldier...

A German soldier, Japanese soldier, and Italian soldier are POWs in an allied camp during WWII. They are in their cells and agree not to talk while being interrogated by their captors.
The German soldier is taken first. The other two hear blood curdling screams of pain and within minutes the German tells the allies all they need to know from him. He comes back to his cell feeling ashamed.
Next, the Japanese soldier is taken. Again, there are screams echoing throughout the building. The Japanese man lasts two whole days of torture before finally giving in. He comes back in disgrace, dishonoring his homeland and family name.
Finally, it is the Italian's turn. The other two wish him luck as they know what is coming ahead for him. The terrified Italian is taken to the other room and, once again, nothing but screams of pain. However, it continues into the night, and the next day, then several days... finally two weeks of almost non-stop torture and the captors give up on him.
The allied guards angrily bring the battered and bruised Italian back to his cell and leave. The German soldier and Japanese soldier looked onto their comrade in utter shock.
"How did you make it so long? It's impossible..." said the German.
"I had no choice" shrugged the Italian. "How can they expect me to talk when they tie my hands behind my back?"
**This may be a repost, but I read it somewhere and cracked up, either way it's worth the mention, hats off to whoever came up with it**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tale3/a_german_soldier_japanese_soldier_and_italian/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong socks today!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4talce/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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Walks into a bar horsing around

A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tahu7/walks_into_a_bar_horsing_around/
%
tiny pianist..

An oldie, but goodie:
A man walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch pianist playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a 12 inch pianist?"
The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you want."
The man goes to the genie and says, "Oh genie, I wish I had a 100 million bucks." The genie nods his head and a few seconds later there's a puff of smoke and 100 million ducks fly over the man's head.
The man goes back to the bartender and complains, "I wished for 100 million bucks, not 100 million ducks!"
And the bartender says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tadp1/tiny_pianist/
%
Wanna hear a Nirvana joke?

Nevermind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tad23/wanna_hear_a_nirvana_joke/
%
A midget, who was a self proclaimed psychic, escaped prison today.

Now he is a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tacvd/a_midget_who_was_a_self_proclaimed_psychic/
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Why does Mexico never win the Olympics?

Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim already left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tack2/why_does_mexico_never_win_the_olympics/
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What does a Werewolf YouTuber say at the end of his videos?

Lycan-subscribe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tacev/what_does_a_werewolf_youtuber_say_at_the_end_of/
%
A man is invited to a fancy dress party.

However, when he turns up, he's wearing his normal clothes, and has a woman draped over his back.
The party host walks up to him after a few minutes and asks him where his costume is.
"This is my costume," the man replies, "I'm a turtle."
The host then asks him who the woman is that he has draped over his back.
"Oh, her? That's Michelle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ta6em/a_man_is_invited_to_a_fancy_dress_party/
%
I didn't say she was insane

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are meeting with a divorce lawyer.
The lawyer turns to Mickey and says,
"I'm afraid that insanity is not a plausible reason for divorce."
Mickey replies,
"I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ta4yl/i_didnt_say_she_was_insane/
%
I made my wife change her name to Dick.

Now people laugh whenever I joke about beating her all day long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ta404/i_made_my_wife_change_her_name_to_dick/
%
The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa , a minute passes" is stupid

Because the majority of Africans don't get seconds , they'll be very lucky if they even get their first servings .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ta24x/the_term_every_60_seconds_in_africa_a_minute/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ta1gf/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
Same old cow

My wife and I went to the ploughing championships and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' **"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"**
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, *'He mated 50 times last year.'*
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
**''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"**
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, *'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'*
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
**"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"**
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
*'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'*
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9yi1/same_old_cow/
%
Sex Code

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her
father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9xh9/sex_code/
%
Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9vib/apparently_exercise_improves_your_decision_making/
%
What happens to a woman who falls down the stairs?

Nothing, as long as she doesn't drop my beers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9v1u/what_happens_to_a_woman_who_falls_down_the_stairs/
%
What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9v01/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
You can't run on a camping site...

you can only ran because it's past tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9uxg/you_cant_run_on_a_camping_site/
%
I'd be able to find affordable glasses...

In an eye deal world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9rlh/id_be_able_to_find_affordable_glasses/
%
Do you know what the difference is between a joke and a dick?

Girls never laugh at my jokes.  :-(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9ppz/do_you_know_what_the_difference_is_between_a_joke/
%
I was in a job interview.

The guy said, "What's your biggest weakness?"
I said, "I'm a great listener."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9pp4/i_was_in_a_job_interview/
%
Why wasn't Hitler invited to the BBQ?

Because he always burns the franks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9po9/why_wasnt_hitler_invited_to_the_bbq/
%
Johnny Vs Teacher "Think Power"

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9pfx/johnny_vs_teacher_think_power/
%
"That dress fits you like a glove"

"It sticks out in five places"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9orv/that_dress_fits_you_like_a_glove/
%
My 8 year old son wrote this...

What do you call the ghost of a chicken that haunts people in their homes?
A poultry-geist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9mg0/my_8_year_old_son_wrote_this/
%
What's the soft stuff between sharks' teeth?

Slow swimmers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9lyn/whats_the_soft_stuff_between_sharks_teeth/
%
What's the difference between a Blues musician and a Jazz musician?

A blues musician plays 3 chords to audiences of thousands.
A jazz musician plays thousands of chords to audiences of 3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9ld9/whats_the_difference_between_a_blues_musician_and/
%
A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.

After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9gzp/a_woman_who_has_just_given_birth_has_fallen_into/
%
My friend asked me if i had ever gotten and given oral sex at the same time and i said yes

Little does he know i can suck my own dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9gjf/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_had_ever_gotten_and_given/
%
My problem is I take things too literally.

Like when my wife said she'd give an arm and a leg to lose weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9f13/my_problem_is_i_take_things_too_literally/
%
What do you call a constipated Benedict Cumberbatch?

No Shit Sherlock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9eve/what_do_you_call_a_constipated_benedict/
%
I remember the last thing my granpa said to me before he kicked the bucket.

he said, "hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9esv/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_granpa_said_to_me/
%
Tits are like Lego bricks...

They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9ecv/tits_are_like_lego_bricks/
%
The other day I started making a belt by joining all my old watches together...

...but then I realised it would be a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9cw1/the_other_day_i_started_making_a_belt_by_joining/
%
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb.?

Two. One to screw it in and the other to take credit for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9bw8/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza...

I guess i should've put it on aloha temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t98ww/i_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza/
%
I wanted to reserve a copy of a new novel coming out

But they were all booked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t98l6/i_wanted_to_reserve_a_copy_of_a_new_novel_coming/
%
Internet Explorer. The number one browser.....

For downloading other browsers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t98ad/internet_explorer_the_number_one_browser/
%
Why did a Mexican man throw his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t951d/why_did_a_mexican_man_throw_his_wife_off_a_cliff/
%
Geez guys Not all Muslims are ISIS...

Some are Al-Qaaeda or Taliban.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t93ky/geez_guys_not_all_muslims_are_isis/
%
What does Neil Patrick Harris call his toilet?

His Dookie Houser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t93gr/what_does_neil_patrick_harris_call_his_toilet/
%
Is it all black people that have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t92tm/is_it_all_black_people_that_have_a_problem_with/
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How many friend-Zoned Guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and then get pissed off when it wont screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t92ih/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
%
A racist joke.

Why don't you fight the black kid that is in the second grade?
Because his father is in the eighth grade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t910p/a_racist_joke/
%
So I finally got Pokémon GO...

I still haven't caught any Counter-Terrorists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t90z3/so_i_finally_got_pokémon_go/
%
It would suck to be named Will in the army.

"Fire at Will"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t9008/it_would_suck_to_be_named_will_in_the_army/
%
Dopted

Dad: Have you seen an animal named Dopted?
Son: What's a Dopted?
Dad: You are. You're adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t8yhy/dopted/
%
I saw a sign that said "Falling rocks"

I tried. It doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t8y9w/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_falling_rocks/
%
My Saturday was going pretty well...

Until I realised it was Sunday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t8xoo/my_saturday_was_going_pretty_well/
%
Playing Scrabble is like talking to women...

You spend the whole time looking at the rack trying to form words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t8t07/playing_scrabble_is_like_talking_to_women/
%
Virginity Test..!!

John: I am getting married. How would I know if my wife is a virgin?
Ben: Get an Virginity test kit.
John: What's that?
Ben: Get a Can of Red Paint, a can of Blue Paint and a bat.
John: What ? Are you mad?
Ben: Paint your right Ball Red and Left
Ball Blue and as you remove ur underwear, if your wife says, 'that's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen' Hit her head with the bat !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t8rnv/virginity_test/
%
Did you hear about that Mexican train thief?

They say he had loco motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t8rho/did_you_hear_about_that_mexican_train_thief/
%
Two chemists went into a bar

The first one said to the bartender, I want H2O, the second one said I want H2O too. The second one died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t8neo/two_chemists_went_into_a_bar/
%
The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says, "I have a big chest, maybe I have the biggest chest in the world!" The third guys says, "I have a small dick, maybe I have the smallest dick in the world!" So they each submit their applications to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters. A week later, the book is published, and they all gather around to see the results. The first guy opens the book and says, "Hey look! I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy looks and says "Wow! I can't believe I have the biggest chest in the world!" And the third guys looks and says, "...Who the fuck is [insert name of one of the listeners]?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t8l9e/the_best_joke_to_tell_at_parties/
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t8gme/why_do_fish_live_in_salt_water/
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Where do emos get their gaming gear?

Razer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t8ga2/where_do_emos_get_their_gaming_gear/
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What do you call a humpless camel covered in plastic?

Llamanated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t8fwo/what_do_you_call_a_humpless_camel_covered_in/
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Why aren't kids under the age of 18 allowed to watch videos about duck calls without the consent of a parent?

Because they contain a lot of fowl language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t8en1/why_arent_kids_under_the_age_of_18_allowed_to/
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What's the easiest way to get off an elephant?

I don't know but you should buy it dinner first!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t87n2/whats_the_easiest_way_to_get_off_an_elephant/
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What do you call Rihanna if she gets fat?

A Rihanna Grande

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t87en/what_do_you_call_rihanna_if_she_gets_fat/
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My barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t84zi/my_barber_just_got_arrested_for_selling_drugs_ive/
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What is a joke that works on many levels?

HR Department.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t82ce/what_is_a_joke_that_works_on_many_levels/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t8162/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Scientist and a frog

A scientist is working in the lab with a frog. He has trained it to respond to simple verbal commands and wants to observe its ability to jump after it has lost one or more of its limbs. He starts by saying, "ok frog, jump." The frog quickly does a small hop. The scientist notes, "frog jumps easily."
The scientist then cuts off one of its legs and says "ok frog, jump." The frog again hops, but with a bit of difficulty. The scientist notes, "frog with 3 legs still able to jump."
The scientist cuts off another leg and says "ok frog, jump." The frog stumbles awkwardly but is still able to do a small hop. The scientist notes, "frog with 2 legs able to hop a bit."
Then he cuts off the third leg and repeats the command. The frog pushes with its remaining leg, trying to hop, and finally propels itself forward a bit. The scientist notes, "frog with one leg unable to jump fully, but can move forward."
The scientist then cuts off its last leg and says "ok frog, jump." The frog does nothing. The scientist repeats his command but the frog still does nothing. "Jump frog, jump!" But the frog doesn't move.
The scientist notes, "frog with no legs goes deaf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7z21/scientist_and_a_frog/
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Did you hear about the new group my mom's in?

D.A.M. (Moms against dyslexia)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7yx7/did_you_hear_about_the_new_group_my_moms_in/
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What do you call a fast clothes maker?

Taylor Swift!
Made up by my nine year old :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7xwg/what_do_you_call_a_fast_clothes_maker/
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Did you hear about the worlds largest broom?

It's really sweeping the nation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7srj/did_you_hear_about_the_worlds_largest_broom/
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Now with all the kids outside, playing Pokémon.....

Dads and moms can stay inside playing Pokémom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7rlc/now_with_all_the_kids_outside_playing_pokémon/
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The police arrested 2 kids today

One was eating batteries and the second was eating fireworks
They charged the first one and let the other off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7qi0/the_police_arrested_2_kids_today/
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Drug dealer

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today. I'm not sure what they're laced with...but I've been tripping all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7noi/drug_dealer/
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If girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice ...

Why do they smell like tuna?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7nb3/if_girls_are_made_of_sugar_spice_and_everything/
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Nobody ever explained similes to me;

I honestly cannot tell you what it has been like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7n16/nobody_ever_explained_similes_to_me/
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David Cameron didn't do much as the Prime Minister of the UK

But Theresa May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7lng/david_cameron_didnt_do_much_as_the_prime_minister/
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A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were cruising around in a pickup truck

As they were crossing a bridge, they lost control of the truck and it plunged into the river below. The redhead quickly opened her door and swam to the surface. The brunette's door was stuck, but she was able to roll down the window and also swam to the surface. The blonde unfortunately drowned - she couldn't get the tailgate down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7ldm/a_redhead_a_brunette_and_a_blonde_were_cruising/
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Throwing Watches

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7jum/throwing_watches/
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I was going to commit seppuku the other day.

But I didn't have the guts to go through with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7hqj/i_was_going_to_commit_seppuku_the_other_day/
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An Asian guy walks up to a white guy...

An Asian guy walks up to a white guy and asks, "Do you think all Asians look alike?"
The white guy responds, "Of course not. In fact, I'll bet I can tell exactly which country you're from just looking at you."
"Really?" The Asian guy asks. "Well, if you insist."
So the white guy looks at the Asian carefully, slowly walking around him before looking some more. After some time, he deduces that the man must be Cambodian.
"I...yes, you're exactly right. My God, how did you know?" The white guy responds, "It's right on the back of your shirt--made in Cambodia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7grx/an_asian_guy_walks_up_to_a_white_guy/
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I always get burnt during summer time.

I would go under trees but they're a little shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7gok/i_always_get_burnt_during_summer_time/
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A neutron walks into a bar...

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7f7d/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
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How did the tree get on to Reddit?

It just logged on...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7e5o/how_did_the_tree_get_on_to_reddit/
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Why should you never trust soap?

It's an emulsive lyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7dei/why_should_you_never_trust_soap/
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God doesn't normally poop, but when he does.....

Holy shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7cks/god_doesnt_normally_poop_but_when_he_does/
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How did Mario bring back his brother after he got a Game Over?

He used a Luigi Board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7byu/how_did_mario_bring_back_his_brother_after_he_got/
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Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?

It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t7aeq/is_it_ok_to_sleep_with_a_second_cousin/
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Did you hear about the Anorexic Jedi?

She had to be force fed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t797r/did_you_hear_about_the_anorexic_jedi/
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What's the currency in space?

Starbucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t795a/whats_the_currency_in_space/
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What do jellybeans and the human race have in common

Nobody likes the black ones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t75xy/what_do_jellybeans_and_the_human_race_have_in/
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Nudist Retirement Village

A very wealthy man had retired and was looking into some posh retirement villages.  One in particular had a reputation as being the best on earth, so he went over to check it out.  The sales team showed him the brochure, and indeed it looked like an incredible experience, but quite exclusive as well as extremely expensive.  Since it was a nudist colony as well, they invited him to disrobe and wander the grounds to get the full immersive experience.  He soon saw that it was indeed a tropical paradise on which no expense had been spared.  As he wandered along an especially lush and fragrant jungle path, he came to a clearing where a beautiful stream tumbled over a small waterfall into a crystal clear pool in which cavorted a dozen or so young women of extraordinary beauty.  Upon seeing them, he naturally developed some swelling in the nether regions.  This was obvious to the ladies, who immediately hopped out of the pool and swarmed him, fellating him relentlessly in an orgy of ecstasy.  Pleased and a bit overwhelmed, he continued his walk along the verdant trail.  Suddenly, he tripped over a protruding root and fell down on his hands and knees.  Equally suddenly and quite unwelcome, a young man jumped out from behind a nearby tree and proceeded to rape his upturned ass.  As his assailant made good his escape into the concealing greenery, the man continued on his way as best he could, finally returning to the sales office.  "Well, what did you think of our facility?" they asked him after he had dressed.  He replied, "I think I'm going to have to pass on this one, folks.  You see, at my age, I get a hard-on about every four months, but I fall down two or three times a day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t75sw/nudist_retirement_village/
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You Guys Wanna Hear a Nice Joke?

Nevermind it's probably too soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t749s/you_guys_wanna_hear_a_nice_joke/
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HandJob

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t73lg/handjob/
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CONVERSATION ON AN AIRPLANE

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.
We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein ... but my friends call me Bubba."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t711j/conversation_on_an_airplane/
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My son told me this tonight. A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid...

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t70an/my_son_told_me_this_tonight_a_scientist_is_trying/
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22 Miles Per Hour

A cop is driving down a freeway and he suddenly sees a car going slow, like incredibly slow. He thinks "people who drive at super slow speeds are just as bad as driving super fast on a freeway." He takes out his radar gun, and takes the speed of the car. It reads 22 miles per hour. The cop decides to turn on his lights and pull then over. He pulls the car over and walks over to it and knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks "Is there a problem officer?"
The cop replies "I noticed you are going only 22 miles per hour on a freeway. I would give you a ticket, but I'd like to hear an explanation first."
The driver replies "Oh, I was simply following the speed limit, which is 22." He points at the sign saying Route 22.
The cop looks puzzled for a moment, and then says "sir that says Route 22, not the speed limit."
The driver realizes this. "Ahh, no wonder we were going so slow."
The officer looks again, and notices the 2 passengers with queasy looks on the faces. "What's the deal with them?"
The driver replies "Oh give them a minute, we just got off of Route 146."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6w9m/22_miles_per_hour/
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That's some pig

A salesman for Case New Holland is making the rounds one day when he drops in on a farm he’s never been to before.  As he pulls into the farmyard, a large pig in the pen by the barn catches his eye. He wanders over for a closer look and to his astonishment he sees that the pig has a wooden leg! As he is staring at the pig, the farmer emerges from the barn and extends a greeting.
The young salesman introduces himself, but then curiosity gets a hold of him and he asks the farmer about the pig with the wooden leg. The farmer replies, “Well young man, that is no ordinary pig. That’s  a special pig.”
“I can see that,” said the young salesman, “but why does he have a wooden leg? “
“Well let me tell you.” Said the farmer. “One day I was plowing right there on the other side of that pig’s pen when I stopped the tractor to move a big rock out of the way. Don’t you know that tractor slipped into gear and would have run me over ‘cept that pig broke through the fence and pushed me out of the way just in time.”
“So is that how the pig lost his leg?”
“No, no, no,” said the farmer, “I’m trying to tell you that is one special pig. Why just a couple of months ago the wife and I were sound asleep about three in the morning when a fire broke out on the porch over there. That pig broke through the pen, rushed to the house and made such a ruckus we were woken up in time to put out the fire. He saved our lives!”
“So did he lose his leg in the fire?” Asked the young man.
“No, no, no,” said the farmer. “I’m trying to tell you. That’s one special pig! Why just four weeks ago I was home alone. I had a heart attack. That pig ran into the road and right in front of the first car that came by. When the driver got out the pig led the man to me lying in the barnyard. The driver called an ambulance. That pig saved my life!”
Alight, alright, I get it. That’s one special pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?”
“Mister, “ the farmer said,  “a pig like that you don’t eat all at once.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6v4u/thats_some_pig/
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Buried Upside Down

Once upon a time, there was a rich, old man, and his gold digger wife. They constantly bickered, day and night. And one day, the old man says "If I die before you, I'll dig my way out of the grave, and haunt you for the rest of your life". And of course, a few months later, the old man dies. After the funeral, his (now widowed) wife goes out to drink and celebrate with friends. Her friends just so happen to be very superstitious. One of them asks "Aren't you afraid he'll follow through and come back to haunt you?". The widowed gold digger says "Let the bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6u85/buried_upside_down/
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A man gave me 79 protons

Thanks for the gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6tzl/a_man_gave_me_79_protons/
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They demolished my local Domino's Pizza shop...

yesterday, and then all the other shops on the street fell down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6tmh/they_demolished_my_local_dominos_pizza_shop/
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I went to buy a book about Bernie Sanders

...but it was sold out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6sbm/i_went_to_buy_a_book_about_bernie_sanders/
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A girl tells her parents she's going to major in psychology

"Hey mom! Hey dad! I'm gonna study a real science! PSYCH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6qe4/a_girl_tells_her_parents_shes_going_to_major_in/
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I feel sorry for people who sell magazines.

Seems like they got a lot of issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6nkk/i_feel_sorry_for_people_who_sell_magazines/
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My favorite sex position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6n3n/my_favorite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
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What's the difference between STD's and Pokemon?

I still haven't caught any Pokemon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6lvp/whats_the_difference_between_stds_and_pokemon/
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The road is a dangerous place.

One time, about ten years ago now, I pulled up to a red light next to a decked out car full of very dangerous looking thugs. We were the only two cars at the light, so I was trying not to look in their direction as we waited for it to change.
Then.. BAM! An 18-wheeler smashed into the back of their car, completely obliterating it. It had to of been doing at least 50mph.
My heart was pounding so fast. All I could think was, "Holy shit, that could of been me!"
And so I've been driving CDL ever since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6lo5/the_road_is_a_dangerous_place/
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Guy takes home a girl from the bar....

....they get back to his apartment and start making out before he can even get the key in the door. They stumble inside the dark apartment, breathing heavy and stripping one article of clothing after another as they crash onto the couch, still entwined in each other's arms; their lips still locked and a romantic electricity filling the air. Gently, he slides his hand down between her legs as he bites and kisses her neck; and she let's out a soft moan.
To his surprise she's dry as a bone. "Are you not feeling it? Is something wrong?" he asks. "No! I really like you. Do you mind if I use your bathroom real quick?" He points her towards it and she quietly tiptoes across the room in the dark. A few minutes later she returns and they start right where they left off but now she's sopping wet. They have hours of passionate sex and he can't believe the connection he feels. Was he already falling for her? They just met!
In the morning, staring longingly into her eyes, he smiles and asks, "so what did you do in the bathroom to make yourself so wet?"
She replies, "oh I just picked the scabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6h4a/guy_takes_home_a_girl_from_the_bar/
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I'm here to make a monthly joke

April Fools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6ey4/im_here_to_make_a_monthly_joke/
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What's the diffrence between a...

What's the difference between a hockey player and a feminist?
After three periods the hockey player takes a shower.
How do you confuse a feminist?
Tell her that you refuse to allow her to make you a sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6a6b/whats_the_diffrence_between_a/
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Where does general keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6a49/where_does_general_keep_his_armies/
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The Lord's Prayer

When KFC sales hit a lean patch, Colonel Sanders came up with a brilliant advertising idea. He got in touch with the Pope and asked the pontiff whether he could change the words of the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken." "I can't possibly do that," said the Pope. "Not even for 100,000 dollars?" asked the Colonel. "No, not for 100,000 dollars," replied the Pope. Six months on and KFC sales were declining still further. The Colonel was getting desperate and made another call to the Pope. This time he offered 500,000 dollars for the words of the Lord's Prayer to be changed to "Give us this day our daily chicken." Again the Pope refused. "I can't possibly change the wording of the Lord's Prayer from bread to chicken," he repeated. Another six months and KFC sales had reached an all-time low. The company was in danger of going out of business. Colonel Sanders made one last attempt to persuade the Pope to change the wording of the Lord's Prayer. ''I'll donate 50 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the word 'bread' to 'chicken' in the Lord's Prayer." "That's a lot of money," conceded the Pope. "So you'll do it?" ''I'll have to discuss it with the cardinals." So the Pope called a meeting of the cardinals. He began: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, KFC are going to donate 50 million dollars to the Vatican. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t69ny/the_lords_prayer/
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Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t6994/who_was_the_roundest_knight_at_king_arthurs_round/
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I'm addicted to ass.

It's like crack to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t685l/im_addicted_to_ass/
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What is the square root of 69?

Ate something....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t63f8/what_is_the_square_root_of_69/
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What's worse than morning wood?

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t62pe/whats_worse_than_morning_wood/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus

You only need one nail for the picture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t5zdb/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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Midget scammer

So there was a midget scammer who was in a prison break. I watched him climb up and down the wall - it was a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t5w2u/midget_scammer/
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An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t5vro/an_old_man_is_dying/
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A rich man and a poor man are talking on Christmas Eve

The rich man tell the poor man
"I got my wife a brand new Mercedes Benz and a set of diamond earring this year."
And the poor man asks "why did you get her these things?"
The rich man says "because If she doesn't like the earrings, she can drive the Mercedes to the jeweler to return them and still be happy".
The rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife this year.
The poor man says "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man laughs and asks why he got her these things.
The poor man says "cause if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t5mnt/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man_are_talking_on/
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What's the difference between a Pokéman and a Pokéwoman?

Pokéballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t5jn9/whats_the_difference_between_a_pokéman_and_a/
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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

to get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t5ix1/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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How many yankees fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They'll just stand in the dark talking about how good the old one was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t5fq9/how_many_yankees_fans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call four drowning Mexicans?

Cuatro cinco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t5fcn/what_do_you_call_four_drowning_mexicans/
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed...

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t5f83/an_elderly_man_lay_dying_in_his_bed/
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A man rushes his pregnant wife into the delivery room

As the doctors are getting her ready to give birth, one of them informs the man that a machine that transfers some of the pain of birth from the mother to the father had been developed. They ask the man if he would want to take on some of the pain to make his wife's burden easier.
The man agrees, so they lay him down in a bed next to his wife. The doctors tell the man that some fathers have died if the pain is cranked up too high, so the man opts to start at 10%. His wife lets out a small sigh of relief, but the man doesn't look any different. He tells the doctors that he doesn't feel any pain.
A little shocked, the doctors decide to turn it up to 20%. Still, the man says he feels normal. They set it to 30%, 60%, 80%, 100%, and still the man says that he doesn't feel anything. Puzzled, the doctors just leave it at 100% and assist the man's now-tranquil wife.
After the woman gives birth to a baby boy, the doctors congratulate the man for being so resistant to pain. When the couple gets home, they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t5c8e/a_man_rushes_his_pregnant_wife_into_the_delivery/
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Two fishes are in a tank.

One turns to the other and says,
"How do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t5bkn/two_fishes_are_in_a_tank/
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I feel like a battery

because I am not included in anything :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t5b0d/i_feel_like_a_battery/
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What do you get when you cross an agnostic, insomniac and a dyslexic?

Someone who lies awake at night if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t56r7/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_agnostic/
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What do you call a midget psychic that escapes from prison?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t54dq/what_do_you_call_a_midget_psychic_that_escapes/
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What do you get when you cross an octopus and a Mexican?

I don't know but it can pick the shit out of some lettuce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t52tj/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_octopus_and_a/
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I wish I could date Pokemon GO's servers

Because then she'd go down on me 5 times a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4xlc/i_wish_i_could_date_pokemon_gos_servers/
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Damn Fish

The mom goes to the store asks the deli guy about specials. He says, there's a sale on Damn fish. She says what? Damn fish, the deli guy says, that's the name of it. The mom buys a pound.
She gets home and is frying the fish. The dad comes home. That smells great, he says. What is it?
It's Damn fish, replies the mom. Say what? says the dad. The mom laughs. That's what they call it.
At dinner that night, mom, dad and ten year old son are at the table. The mom says, this Damn fish is tasty. The dad says, yes, it is, please pass me more Damn fish.
The son looks at his mother and father and says: Great! Now you're talking my kind of language. Pass me the damn fish and the motherfucking potatoes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4vkr/damn_fish/
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Scientists have successfully grown vocal chords in a petri dish

The results speak for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4v7h/scientists_have_successfully_grown_vocal_chords/
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A young boy's parents were arguing

When the father calls the mother a bitch. "What's a bitch?" Asks the boy. "It's a mother" he replied. The mother then calls the father a bastard. Again the boy asks what does that mean. "It's a father," she replied. They then stop and get ready because they are having guests over. "Oh shit!" He heard from his mother upstairs, who was putting make up on but accidentally ruined it. "What's shit?" asks the boy. " ohh, it's a type of make up", she said. The boy goes down stairs and his father yells "oh fuck!" Because he accidentally cut himself while cutting the chicken. "What does fuck mean?" Asks the boy. "Oh, it means to cut," said the father. The guests arrive and the boy let's them in. "Where are your parents?" asks one of them. "The bitch is upstairs putting shit on her face, and the bastard's downstairs fucking the chicken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4v03/a_young_boys_parents_were_arguing/
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Where did the cow go?

It mooved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4tsp/where_did_the_cow_go/
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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4qsm/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
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What is green, has 8 wheels, and flies?

A garbage truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4p24/what_is_green_has_8_wheels_and_flies/
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Why did the physicist masturbate to the electron?

It was in the excited state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4p0o/why_did_the_physicist_masturbate_to_the_electron/
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What's the difference between tuna, glue and a piano?

You can tuna piano but you can't piano tuna!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4onm/whats_the_difference_between_tuna_glue_and_a_piano/
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Bacon Tree...

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"Oh my, John," says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!"
"You're right!" says John.
So John goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying John.
"John, John! What on earth happened?"
With his dying breath John calls out
"It's not a Bacon Tree"
"It's a Ham Bush"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4hs7/bacon_tree/
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How did you die?

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second.  "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a massive head injury," says the first man. "You see, I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one has hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I hit the top step, I tripped, fell three flights of stairs, and landed square on the back of my head. Dead." The second man shakes his head, "That's so ironic," he says.  "What do you mean?" asks the first man.  "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4h4n/how_did_you_die/
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How does it feel to crash a rental car?

It Hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4gg6/how_does_it_feel_to_crash_a_rental_car/
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Tried Turkish food today...

It was revolting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4do0/tried_turkish_food_today/
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Helium walks into a bar

The bartender says "sorry we don't serve noble gases here."
The helium did not react

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4cuu/helium_walks_into_a_bar/
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Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.
At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.
He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off.
He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.
The cop was dumbfounded.
'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.
'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the DD...Designated Decoy.'
__________________________________
Sometimes it might actually happen, right? Just enjoy possibility. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4bov/excuse_me_sir_how_much_have_you_had_to_drink/
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Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...

Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.
"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.
"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."
"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."
"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"
"Three prison camps so far."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4b2y/roosevelt_churchill_and_stalin_are_taking_a/
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An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.
He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police.
"I don't understand", Said the police officer. "How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?"
To which the thief replied: "But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4anj/an_art_thief_broke_into_the_louvre/
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Tight pants are like a cheap hotel...

No ball room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t49rf/tight_pants_are_like_a_cheap_hotel/
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I was having some trouble with a crossword.

I said to my dad, "I'm stuck on this crossword. Six letters, a broad road in a town or city. I still haven't got it!"
"Avenue?"
"No, I haven't, stop rubbing it in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t47bf/i_was_having_some_trouble_with_a_crossword/
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[OC] Why did Pavlov ring a bell every time a breeze entered his room?

Air Conditioning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t454d/oc_why_did_pavlov_ring_a_bell_every_time_a_breeze/
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A Scot And His Wife Walking Through Town ..

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being kind hearted, he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"
So, they walked past it again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t43kv/a_scot_and_his_wife_walking_through_town/
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The Peanut Gallery

Somewhere back in the era of grainy black-and-white TV, there was a Saturday kid's show called "Riddle Griddle." It was hosted by Jimmy Valentine, who is now in the Minnesota Broadcasting Hall of Fame.
The show had bleachers where the kids sat, like the "Peanut Galleries" of Mickey Mouse and Howdy Doody.
The kids brought a riddle to the show and Valentine, who loved riddles, would try to solve them. If he failed, the kid got some sort of little prize.
So, one Saturday, this kid was supplied with a risque riddle by an older sibling or (God forbid) a father or uncle. The little kid possibly had a very vague idea about the riddle but he stood up and read it.
Remember, this was before video tape and 8 second delays.
"Why is a woman like a frying pan?"
Valentine was stumped. "So, why is a woman like a frying pan?"
The kid responds, "They both have to be hot before you stick in the meat."
All over Minneapolis and St. Paul, TV screens went dark. The show never aired again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t41g2/the_peanut_gallery/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t3yds/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Everyone on reddit seems to want a secular Turkey...

My fat ass just wants a succulent one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t3wjs/everyone_on_reddit_seems_to_want_a_secular_turkey/
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What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

I can't marmalade my cock in your ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t3vgm/whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_marmalade/
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One winter morning...

a husband and wife  were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say,"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so that the Snowplows can get through."
So the good blond wife went out and moved her car.
Again, a week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so that the Snowplows can get through."
The good blond wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good blond wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so that the Snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t3qis/one_winter_morning/
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What do you call people who use the pull out method as form of birth control?

Parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t3ngk/what_do_you_call_people_who_use_the_pull_out/
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So the vagina's talking to the uterus...

...and the vagina says "Hey, did you order something from the piano store?"
The uterus, very confused, says "No. Why would I order something from the piano store?"
The vagina replied "I don't know, but there's a couple of nuts down here trying to push in an organ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t3i7y/so_the_vaginas_talking_to_the_uterus/
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In a way, Han Solo was a bit like a modern Icarus.

They both got too close to the son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t3hd0/in_a_way_han_solo_was_a_bit_like_a_modern_icarus/
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A boy asks his father

"Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs, when their thumbs aren't green?"
The dad replies "It's just a saying, son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing, they say they have been caught 'red handed', even though their hands are actually black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t3gzm/a_boy_asks_his_father/
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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm

.  He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking'."  His wife says, "That's a duck."  He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t3dyr/a_man_walks_into_his_house_with_a_duck_under_his/
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This is guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom. It was originally a bit in a Pink Panther movie

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t3buj/this_is_guaranteed_laughs_in_the_chinese/
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I think my cat is using me for my money

I mean the sex is great, but I just don't feel an emotional connection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t3bmh/i_think_my_cat_is_using_me_for_my_money/
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If Trump replaces Obama...

Orange really will be the new black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t3994/if_trump_replaces_obama/
%
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

.
So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.
"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.
"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t38wj/a_man_wakes_up_one_morning_to_find_a_gorilla_on/
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Why aren't "Blonde jokes" funny?

Cause they're stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t37j4/why_arent_blonde_jokes_funny/
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What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t32ug/what_has_9_arms_and_sucks/
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A Priest and a Rabbi...

A Priest and a Rabbi run out of a burning school, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and says, "What about the kids?!"
The Rabbi says "Fuck the kids!"
The Priest replies, "Do you think we'll have time?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t2zvf/a_priest_and_a_rabbi/
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?

Your honor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t2wvk/what_do_you_call_a_lawyer_with_an_iq_of_70/
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An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint
Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there,
accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long
before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the
level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements.
Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets
and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty
popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are
things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got
air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's
no telling what this engineer is going to come up with
next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to
Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an
engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right.
And where are you going to get a lawyer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t2viq/an_engineer_dies_and_reports_to_the_pearly_gates/
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Don't be sexist. It's just wrong.

And being wrong is for women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t2uha/dont_be_sexist_its_just_wrong/
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What's the difference between an Isis camp and an orphanage?

I don't know, I just fly the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t2u10/whats_the_difference_between_an_isis_camp_and_an/
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Two priests die at the same time

and meet St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you
guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to
go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back
as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an
eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and
asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?"
"No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way
we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a
freebie."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always
wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest
disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord
tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's
somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the
eagles. But the second one could prove to be more
difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t2u0m/two_priests_die_at_the_same_time/
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Grandma and grandpa were visiting their kids

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t2txk/grandma_and_grandpa_were_visiting_their_kids/
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Deductive Reasoning

One day a man moves into his new house in a nice quiet neighborhood. About a day after moving in, his next door neighbor comes to greet him. His neighbor introduces himself as a professor at the local college.
"Oh really, what do you teach?" The man asks.
"Deductive reasoning." The neighbor responds
The man had never heard of this before so he asked what it was.
"Here, I'll show you." The professor said. "You have a dog house, so I deduce you have a dog, correct?"
"Yes that is correct" the man responded.
"So by you having a dog, I deduce you have children, right?"
"Yes, that's right"
"And by you having children, I deduce you have a wife?"
"Yes, yes I do"
"By you having a wife, I can deduce you are straight?"
"Why yes I am"
"Well there you have it, that's deductive reasoning" the professor said his farewells and left to go home.
The man thought about deductive reasoning all day until he went out with his friend.
His friend asked him how the move was. He responded by telling how he had met the professor and that he taught deductive reasoning.
"Deductive reasoning? What's that?" His friend asked.
"Here, I'll show you," the man replied.
"Do you have a dog house?"
"No"
"FAG"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t2q9c/deductive_reasoning/
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Life with me is like a roller coaster.

There's a weight limit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t2n26/life_with_me_is_like_a_roller_coaster/
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Three tampons are walking down the street.

... One is a blonde, one is a redhead, and one is a brunette. Which one of them says hello to you as you pass?
None of them, because they're all stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t2lu3/three_tampons_are_walking_down_the_street/
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What sound does a Turkey make?

"coup coup"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t2htj/what_sound_does_a_turkey_make/
%
Why did the chicken cross the bridge?

To get away from the Turkey coop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t2hs6/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_bridge/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t2ajn/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.  :^)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t28kq/what_is_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
What happened when Turkey was accused of being Chicken?

It staged a coup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t287f/what_happened_when_turkey_was_accused_of_being/
%
So a guy and his new girlfriend are messing around...

when she stops him in his tracks and says, "I don't think I'm ready for sex with you yet. We've only been going out for a couple of weeks."
Disappointed, the guy asks, "well, is there anything I can do to show you that I'm serious and want to take our relationship to the next level?"
She thinks for a moment and replies, "if you are willing to come over for dinner and meet my parents, I'll be willing to take things to the next level." The guy agrees almost immediately.
The day of the dinner, the young man goes to his local pharmacy to buy protection. The problem is that he's a virgin and has no idea what he's doing. Embarrassed yet determined to get laid, he describes his situation to the pharmacist currently working the counter. The pharmacist shows him the condoms, lube, and other intimacy products and describes how to use them in significant detail. The lad thanks him, pays, and leaves.
Later that evening, the guy gets to his girlfriend's house right as dinner is ready. The eager beaver and his lady sit down at the table as the mom and dad join them. The father sits down, bows his head, and asks the rest of the table to join him in a prayer. They say grace before beginning the meal, however, our young protagonist remains praying for several minutes after everyone else begins their meal.
The girlfriend, confused, eventually whispers to him "I didn't know you were THIS religious..."
Still bowing his head, he whispers back, "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t27b6/so_a_guy_and_his_new_girlfriend_are_messing_around/
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Why cant Mexicans smoke joints?

They aint ever got any papers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t241u/why_cant_mexicans_smoke_joints/
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Why do dyslexics make bad joke tellers?

They always punch up the fuckline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t22u2/why_do_dyslexics_make_bad_joke_tellers/
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A Mormon president would face the most difficult issue any president has.

Deciding who's the First Lady, who's the Second Lady, and who's the Third Lady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t21mp/a_mormon_president_would_face_the_most_difficult/
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Looks like Erdogan had to quit...

...cold Turkey. [](/rimshot)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t20o6/looks_like_erdogan_had_to_quit/
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Two Muslim families move from Afghanistan to the US....

The fathers in each family make a bet to see who could be more Americanized after one year.
They meet a year later and the first father says, "I just took my son to baseball practice, had McDonalds for breakfast and I've racked up more debt than I'll ever be able to pay off."
The second father says, "fuck you, raghead".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t1xqe/two_muslim_families_move_from_afghanistan_to_the/
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How do you tell if a cat is a creative thinker?

They shit outside the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t1xoo/how_do_you_tell_if_a_cat_is_a_creative_thinker/
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I bought some shoes from my dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t1voc/i_bought_some_shoes_from_my_dealer/
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A blind old cowboy walks into a bar...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times....'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t1utj/a_blind_old_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
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A pedo and a little boy walk into the woods....

The boy, crying and hesitantly following the pedo says "Mr, can i go home? Its dark and im scared."
The pedo looks at him in disbelief and says, "imagine how i feel, i have to walk home alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t1rqa/a_pedo_and_a_little_boy_walk_into_the_woods/
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Three men go to heaven and St. Peter receives them

St. Peter doesn't know why they're there, they weren't supposed to die today, so 1 by 1, he takes them into his office and hears their story
Man 1 suspected his wife was cheating on him so one day he comes back from work early, only to find his wife laying on the bed, sweaty and heavy-breathing, naked, and so he says
"Wheres is that son of a bitch?! where is he?!"
"Who?" the wife says
The husband starts looking around his apartment for the man, and finds a guy hiding on the window, so he goes to grab a baseball bat, signed by Bryce Harper, and starts trying to hit the man on the window, while evading the hits from the husband, the man fell off the window, of course, the husband begins to celebrate, until he realizes he fell on a truck full of pillows!
"So, St. Peter, since I couldn't let him get away with it, I fucken threw mi fridge at him! but in the process, my coat got stuck and I fell too, so here I am, but at least I got that son of a bitch!"
St. Peter sighs and says "Sorry to tell you, off to hell you go, you killed two people, three if you count yourself"
Man 2 is a really good christian, honest, has 3 kids and works cleaning windows, he was going with his day as usual until he fell off the building while cleaning, luckily, he was able to hold on a ledge 2 floors below, just out a window
"St. Peter, I believe the man in there thought I was a thief! cause when he saw me he grabbed a baseball bat, signed by Bryce Harper, which I thought was funny, and he tried to hit me!"
"Oh god I can see where this is going" St. Peter thinks holding in laughter
"Now, I've never been very agile myself, so while dodging, I fell! while I was falling I muttered a quick prayer and to my surprise, I was spared! I had fallen on a truck with pillows! my happiness was such that I forgave my agressor, until I looked up and saw him and a fridge coming down on me, and here I am"
"Well, sir, you've been a good man, what happened was an accident but we can't do anything, but heaven is open for you" says St. Peter
Man 3 comes in, rather startled
"Well what did you do? how'd you manage to die?" asks St. Peter to the man
"I don't know! all I know is I was balls deep into this chick, we heard her husband come home early so I had to hide in a fucken fridge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t1r2e/three_men_go_to_heaven_and_st_peter_receives_them/
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What do 6 lesbians and 6 government workers have in common?

They're a dozen people who don't do dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t1lpc/what_do_6_lesbians_and_6_government_workers_have/
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There is no Turkey in the coop.

But there's a coup in Turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t1ipu/there_is_no_turkey_in_the_coop/
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I've heard of chicken coops..

.. but never a turkey coup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t1dfh/ive_heard_of_chicken_coops/
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Why do churches ban Wi-Fi?

Because they can't compete with an invisible power that actually exists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t1ctc/why_do_churches_ban_wifi/
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What do you call Turkish President, Recep Erdogan, after the military coup?

Erdogone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t1cnu/what_do_you_call_turkish_president_recep_erdogan/
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So a blonde is rowing a boat out in the middle of a field...

When a second blonde sees this from the edge of the field she yells out in anger, "What are you doing rowing a boat out in the middle of a field?!?! It's people like you that give all of us blondes a bad name!"
Hearing this the blonde stops her rowing and stares back with a confused look on her face.
To this the second blonde replies, "Your so dumb! If I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t19r5/so_a_blonde_is_rowing_a_boat_out_in_the_middle_of/
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Elevator

A man walks into an elevator occupied by a woman.
He asks, "Can I smell your feet?"
She says, "Certainly not!"
He says, "Hmmm, must be your pussy then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t17zm/elevator/
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Three men die and are sent to Hell.

Satan punishes them based on their sins, they must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life. The alchohalic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke. The three men face their punishments happily. 80 years later, Satan opens their doors. The alchohalic had drank all the booze and was incredibly sick from a hangover that never cured. He pleaded for repentance, swearing to never drink again. The sex addict had not aged, and was being chased by several unattactive, horny old ladies. He begged Satan to let him go as he had learned his lesson. Finally, Satan openes the door to the pot head's room. To his surprise, non of the weed had been smoked. The pot head was sitting on the floor crying. He said to Satan, "Do you have a lighter man?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t15gh/three_men_die_and_are_sent_to_hell/
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What is the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple generally waits until you are a teenager before it comes on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t14qp/what_is_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a/
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A good catholic joke

The pope and Donald Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd!
The pope leans towards Trump and says "do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy?. This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Trump replied "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand... show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! AND THE CROWD ROARED AND CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t12ws/a_good_catholic_joke/
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I could see every bottle of ketchup in the restaurant.

Heinz sight is 20/20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t128n/i_could_see_every_bottle_of_ketchup_in_the/
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An ex girlfriend is like a box of chocolates...

...they'll both kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t10fw/an_ex_girlfriend_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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jokes about unemployed people aren't funny

They just don't work...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0xzo/jokes_about_unemployed_people_arent_funny/
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2 gay guys and 2 lesbians are Going to the beach. Who gets there first?

The gay guys because they packed their shit the night before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0xqp/2_gay_guys_and_2_lesbians_are_going_to_the_beach/
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What do you call a midget hanging around a crime scene?

A little suspect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0v4o/what_do_you_call_a_midget_hanging_around_a_crime/
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A 13 year old boy tells his mom he had sex with his teacher

The boy's father comes home to find his wife standing at the door waiting for him and he knows something's wrong. His wife says, "Timmy said he had sex with his teacher."
The dad goes up to Timmy's room to find him laying on his stomach looking sad. He asks, "is this true, Timmy? Did you really have sex with your teacher?"
Timmy nods yes.
The dad screams, "I can't believe it! I'm so proud of you! I didn't have sex until I was in college! You know what, I was waiting until your birthday to get you a new bike but I'm taking you today."
They drive to the bike store and the dad is bragging to everyone there that his son had sex.
He comes home the next day to see the bike in the garage, stickers and tags still on it. He goes up to Timmy's room and asks, "how come you didn't ride the new bike? I thought you wanted one."
Timmy says, "I do, dad. It's just ... my butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0v4q/a_13_year_old_boy_tells_his_mom_he_had_sex_with/
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You know what they say about fighting testicular cancer...

It sure takes balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0trq/you_know_what_they_say_about_fighting_testicular/
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Hickory Dickory Dock...

Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the rest escaped with minor injuries.
(Something my grandfather told me when I was five)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0s5u/hickory_dickory_dock/
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Who says building a border wall won’t work?

The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don’t have any Mexicans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0s0u/who_says_building_a_border_wall_wont_work/
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Is it really 2016?

I mean Tarzan is playing in theaters, Pokemon is a craze, and a Clinton is running for President of the United States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0r8u/is_it_really_2016/
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Did you hear the joke about butter?

No? I guess it didn't spread then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0ogn/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_butter/
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I'm good friends with 24 letters of the alphabet

because i hate U and i don't really know Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0nov/im_good_friends_with_24_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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God went to a Frenchman

He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'
'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied
'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God
'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.
'What are they like?' The German questioned
'Thou shall not kill' God replied
'Hmmm, perhaps not' The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments
'What are they like?' The Italian inquired
'Thou shall not steal' Answered God
'Perhaps not' The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments
'How much are they?' The Jew asked
'They're free' God answered
'I'll take ten' Said the Jew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0nja/god_went_to_a_frenchman/
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Yet another redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies see him sad at the bar they ask what went wrong, he explains...
"My mom just told me I'm adopted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0jte/yet_another_redneck_finds_out_his_girlfriend_is_a/
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An electron is driving down the highway...

...and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says, “Sir, do you realize that you were traveling at 670,616,629 MPH?”
The electron replies, “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0h68/an_electron_is_driving_down_the_highway/
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The tale of the tortoise the snail and the slug.

A little tortoise is feeling sad because it wishes it could move faster, when he notices a snail. Feeling better about itself the tortoise offers the little snail a ride.
On the way they meet a slug, and the slug is also offered a ride.
Once on top, the slug meets the snail with bulging eyes:
"You better put your helmet back on, because this motherfucker is fucking reckless!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0fye/the_tale_of_the_tortoise_the_snail_and_the_slug/
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What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0d4i/what_did_0_say_to_8/
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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surprising for a 17 year old boy.
So he waits and he waits and he waits and finally he gets his tux when he over hears two boys talking about their dates and he thinks "Shit! I need to get a corsage."
So Billy heads on down to the florist and of course there is a huge long corsage line. This too, of course shouldn't be surprising as flowers will die and you don't want to buy them too early. He waits and waits and finally he has his flowers. When he's leaving the shop he overhears two ladies looking at flowers and talking about wedding transportation and Billy groans and thinks "I need a limo."
Wouldn't you know it, prom season is prime wedding season as well, and when he gets to the rental agency theres a huge long limo line. Billy spends even longer waiting in the limo line than the other shops, it's nearly dark when he finally gets his limo.
Billy is relieved to finally have everything he needs for the prom and phones his girlfriend Penny to tell her the good news. Penny asks "Did you get the prom tickets?" Billy starts to panic when Penny laughs and told him she got them a week ago and scolds him for waiting so long to reserve everything.
The night of the prom arrives and when Billy and Penny get to the prom theres a huge long prom line to get in, because of course in this day and age they need to search the prom goers for drugs and alcohol and weapons. Billy submits to a pat down and goes into the prom.
Penny says lets go dance for a bit, and after some hard core boogying, Penny suggests they eat. Billy agrees and follows her to the buffet table where there's a huge long buffet line. So they wait and they wait getting hungrier and more impatient until they are finally laden with food and make there way to their table.
They had just begun to eat when Penny realizes she forgot drinks, to which Billy insists upon getting for the both of them. He heads over the the drinks table and there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0a4n/its_three_days_before_prom_and_billy_realizes_he/
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A Russian boy walks up to his grandfather...

"Grandpa, is it true that there was a nuclear disaster at the Chernobyl Power Plant?" he says. "Yes, there was." replied the Grandfather, patting the boy's head.
The boy then says "And is it true that there were absolutely no consequences of it whatsoever?". The Grandpa says "Yep. None at all." and pats the boy's second head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t08o8/a_russian_boy_walks_up_to_his_grandfather/
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When she found out he worked in technical support, it really turned her on.

Then it turned her off.
Then it turned her on again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t04p4/when_she_found_out_he_worked_in_technical_support/
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..

I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t0297/my_neighborhood_barber_just_got_arrested_for/
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I walked into the nuclear plant operators office...

I walked into the nuclear plant operators office and asked him what to do with the barrels of radioactive waste.
"Bury 'em" he snarled at me,
"No sir, it's actually uranium"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t013o/i_walked_into_the_nuclear_plant_operators_office/
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Blonds in the woods

There were three blonds walking through the woods, when they come across some tracks.
"These are bear tracks" said the first blond,
"No, these are deer tracks" sais the second,
"You two are both wrong, these are wolf tracks" said the third,
They were all still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szywg/blonds_in_the_woods/
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I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea...

He says he can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szy6x/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_to_live/
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What happened to the Marine that took a laxative?

He was relieved of doodie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szy44/what_happened_to_the_marine_that_took_a_laxative/
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I'm just now realizing most blink-182 lyrics don't make any sense

I guess this is growing up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szwpl/im_just_now_realizing_most_blink182_lyrics_dont/
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A young rooster

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szui0/a_young_rooster/
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What did the depressed terrorist say to the passengers on the plane he hijacked?

I'm sorry to bring you all down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sztx6/what_did_the_depressed_terrorist_say_to_the/
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I don't want to brag about my 14-day diet

but I've completed it in 4 hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szqog/i_dont_want_to_brag_about_my_14day_diet/
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Why did Hillary put an Australian athlete on her ticket?

She needed a good running mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szpr4/why_did_hillary_put_an_australian_athlete_on_her/
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A vegan, an atheist, and a Crossfitter walk into a bar....

The only reason I knew is that they wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szpjv/a_vegan_an_atheist_and_a_crossfitter_walk_into_a/
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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich...

After finishing his meal, he tries to pull out a gun, but the owner shoots him dead because he's seen this joke on /r/jokes a hundred times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szoqe/a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant_and_orders_a/
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I've asked a flight attendant to change my seat because of crying baby next to me

It turns out you can't do that if baby is yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szof5/ive_asked_a_flight_attendant_to_change_my_seat/
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My nun friend has started to wear holely clothes recently.

I think she is getting into a bad habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sznq8/my_nun_friend_has_started_to_wear_holely_clothes/
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What tastes good on pizza but not on pussy?

Crust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szmco/what_tastes_good_on_pizza_but_not_on_pussy/
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What do Popeye's fingers smell like?

Olive oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szkgp/what_do_popeyes_fingers_smell_like/
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Veteran applies for a government job

A military veteran is assimilating back to civilian life and begins applying for jobs.  He puts in an application with the state hoping for a 9-5 office job with decent benefits. They call him in for an interview.
The interviewer is looking over his application and asks him about his military service. "Yessir," says the vet, "I was stationed in Iraq and then Afghanistan before being honorably discharged."
"Thank you for your service." says the interviewer. "We do like to support our veterans."
Then the interviewer gets a thought. "You aren't by any chance disabled in some way are you? We could check off another box and you'd be even more hireable."
"Actually, I am." He replies. "I was hit by an IED and was emasculated in the process. I'm considered fully disabled (hence the discharge) but it doesn't really stop me from doing anything other than the obvious."
"I am sorry for your loss, but that works out really well in your favor for this job. We'd like to hire you!  You can start tomorrow, your schedule will be 11-5 Monday -Friday."
"That's great!" says the vet, "But I thought I would start at 9am?"
"Oh," says the interviewer, "the office does open at 9, but we just sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours and there's no sense in you coming in for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szha1/veteran_applies_for_a_government_job/
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A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre

So the bartender gave it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szfy6/a_woman_walked_into_a_bar_and_asked_the_bartender/
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A hot schoolgirl is dangerously close to flunking class...

...so she tells the teacher : "I'd do anything for a good grade". The teacher whispers into her ear : "Anything ?" She replies : "Yes, anything". With a seductive smile he says : "Well then, sit down and start studying, you lazy fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szf7i/a_hot_schoolgirl_is_dangerously_close_to_flunking/
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Having Alzheimer also carries some advantages...

First of all, you get to know someone new every time you look in the mirror. Secondly, you can always enjoy an old joke as if you heard it for the first time. And finally, you get to know someone new every time you look in the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szern/having_alzheimer_also_carries_some_advantages/
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I just drilled a bunch of holes

It was a lot of boring work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szefc/i_just_drilled_a_bunch_of_holes/
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today my internet went out for About 3 minutes......

Met my family downstairs. They seem like nice people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szdgx/today_my_internet_went_out_for_about_3_minutes/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat. He then sets his briefcase on the bar and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny man. He sets them both on the bar and, immediately, the tiny man starts playing the tiny piano. The bartender looks over, astounded, and asks "sir, where did you get that tiny piano player?" "Well, I just made a wish on this magic lamp I found," he replied with little enthusiasm, retrieving the lamp from the briefcase.
The bartender pleaded with the man to let him make a wish of his own, and the man accepted. "I wish I had a million bucks!" the man exclaimed, as he rubbed the lamp. Within moments, the entire bar and the surrounding area was littered with ducks. The bartender, confused, said "What the hell? This thing doesn't even work, I didn't wish for ducks." The man replied "well, did you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szbq1/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Faith is everything

A man is about to jump from a plane. Right before he jumps, he looks down and freezes in place.
"Don't worry," says the pilot, "If something goes wrong - start chanting 'Oh great Buddha, please save me'".
Skeptical but with renewed confidence, the man jumps. At the right height, he tries to open his parachute. Nothing happens.
He tries to open the spare parachute. Nothing happens.
Terrified, the man shouts: "OH GREAT BUDDHA, PLEASE SAVE ME!!"
Suddenly, the man stops falling. He looks down and finds a huge hand, safely carrying him to the ground. As soon as the hand reaches the ground, he jumps down.
"Phew, thank God!"
*smack*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szblx/faith_is_everything/
%
I can't see my Dad now he's had a sex change

He's trans-parent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szayh/i_cant_see_my_dad_now_hes_had_a_sex_change/
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The Hangover

Rodney wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Rodney looks
around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Rodney asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Rodney asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4szao1/the_hangover/
%
Why did they arrest my psychiatrist ?

Because he was therapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sz7yl/why_did_they_arrest_my_psychiatrist/
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Twisted Tyke

An executive of a company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispering, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked," Is your daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left at home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?", asked the boss.
"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper".
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle........... "Me".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sz5wb/twisted_tyke/
%
How do you comfort a grammar nazi?

There, their, they're.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sz4wq/how_do_you_comfort_a_grammar_nazi/
%
What is big, vibrates and makes a woman scream when put inside her?

A chainsaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sz2rf/what_is_big_vibrates_and_makes_a_woman_scream/
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I broke up with my penis, so I wrote a song...

Called "So Long".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syypa/i_broke_up_with_my_penis_so_i_wrote_a_song/
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I phoned the police.

I said, "A girl is being raped in the park!"
He said, "You're going to need to be more specific than that."
I said, "You kinky bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syyc6/i_phoned_the_police/
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A man is praying in church.

He looks up to heaven and says "God, could you answer a question for me?"
"Of course, my son," says God, "what would you like to know?"
"God, what is a million years to you?"
"Well," says God, "a million years to me is as a second."
"Hmm," says the man. "I guess I understand. So what is a million dollars to you then?"
"My son," God says, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
"Hmm," says the man. He goes back to praying, but after a little while he looks up again.
"God," he asks, "can I have a penny?"
"Sure," God says. "Just a second."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syy66/a_man_is_praying_in_church/
%
A Newfie is walking home kicking old bottles, when a genie pops out of one.

"I can grant you three wishes," says the genie, "so choose wisely."
The Newfie says "Give me a beer that’ll never run out."
A bottle appears in the Newfie’s hand and he downs it, but when we pulls it away from his mouth it’s still full. The happy Newfie continues walking home.
The genie says "Hey, you still have two wishes left!"
"Oh," says the Newfie, "gimme two more of these then!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syxig/a_newfie_is_walking_home_kicking_old_bottles_when/
%
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!" "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sywpr/a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant_sits_down_and/
%
Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market

A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?
B: You can have both
A: Three

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syuqn/two_blondes_meet_at_a_busy_chicken_market/
%
Why do programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sytnr/why_do_programmers_confuse_halloween_with/
%
Did you hear about the Mathematician who was constipated, and lost his calculator?

He worked it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syrdy/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/
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An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village...

An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish.
“How long did it take you to catch them?” The American asked.
“Only a little while.” The Mexican replied.
“Why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?” The American then asked.
“I have enough to support my family’s immediate needs.” The Mexican said.
“But,” The American then asked, “What do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds you buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.”
“Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the consumers, eventually opening your own can factory. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”
“But what then, senor?”
The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”
“Millions, senor? Then what?”
The American said slowly, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syqqg/an_american_businessman_was_standing_at_the_pier/
%
Make a wish!?

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sypd0/make_a_wish/
%
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up...

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syp74/a_radical_feminist_is_getting_on_a_bus_when_just/
%
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed clown on a tricycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syngo/what_is_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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You know what they say about amnesia...

No, really. Do you know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syn2e/you_know_what_they_say_about_amnesia/
%
This hating of people that breastfeed in public should really stop...

I can raise my cat any way I want to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sym5f/this_hating_of_people_that_breastfeed_in_public/
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I told my wife I'd like to go travelling.

She sent me to the supermarket for eggs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sym2t/i_told_my_wife_id_like_to_go_travelling/
%
I want my children to have all the things that I never had.

Like nice children...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syk3i/i_want_my_children_to_have_all_the_things_that_i/
%
What do you call a grunge gardener?

Hedgy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syjs9/what_do_you_call_a_grunge_gardener/
%
An Amnesiac Walks Into…

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syi1v/an_amnesiac_walks_into/
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How well did the Mexican do for his class test?

He got a borderline pass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sydm5/how_well_did_the_mexican_do_for_his_class_test/
%
I saw two guys having a fight on the train.

So, being a bouncer, I dealt with the situation accordingly.
I just stood there looking like a cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sycz6/i_saw_two_guys_having_a_fight_on_the_train/
%
France is a shitty country...

Even the Nice parts are rundown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syc50/france_is_a_shitty_country/
%
My son asked me to get a tartan shirt for his birthday.

So far I've only got him the prostitute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sybcd/my_son_asked_me_to_get_a_tartan_shirt_for_his/
%
Where does Sean Connery keep his guns?

In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sya74/where_does_sean_connery_keep_his_guns/
%
...I wanted to design defensive structures for the city....

as it turns out, not my Forte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sy9ot/i_wanted_to_design_defensive_structures_for_the/
%
Hand of Deliverance

The Pope and Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Trump and said, "do you know that with one little wave of my hand i can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy, this joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice". Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that!, with one little wave of your hand....show me!" So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! And the crowed roared and cheered wildly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sy5fh/hand_of_deliverance/
%
A woman is looking in the mirror and doesn't like what she sees.

She says to her husband "I think my body is going downhill. Tell me something good to make me feel better."
He replies: "You still have perfect vision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sy5ax/a_woman_is_looking_in_the_mirror_and_doesnt_like/
%
Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sy55w/police_officer_can_you_identify_yourself_sir/
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[DIRTY] Eye exam

Eye specialist: "Sir, you need to stop masturbating."
&nbsp;
Patient: " Oh my God, is it ruining my eyesight?"
&nbsp;
Eye specialist: "No. It's disturbing the other patients."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sy3u0/dirty_eye_exam/
%
A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...
"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sy1g4/a_redneck_finds_out_his_girlfriend_is_a_virgin/
%
My wife ran away with my best friend...

My wife ran away with my best friend. I don't know the guy, but he made me a huge favor so I consider him my best friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sy0vc/my_wife_ran_away_with_my_best_friend/
%
My new record in a 100 m sprint

Is 52 meters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxyae/my_new_record_in_a_100_m_sprint/
%
Fucking terrorists.

I guess I can't google "nice truck" anymore to find out about the latest pickups on the market....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxve5/fucking_terrorists/
%
Asian Doctor

An Asian Doctor can't find a job in any Hospital in the USA, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is an excellent opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put three drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh... this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put three drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $1" not $100!!"
Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20."
You can't beat the Asians.
[Source](http://u-tricks.blogspot.com/2016/07/asian-doctor.html)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxucm/asian_doctor/
%
Click for the joke

The joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxt7b/click_for_the_joke/
%
I don't know why people are afraid of flying

Most crashes happen at ground level

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxrl2/i_dont_know_why_people_are_afraid_of_flying/
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A son asks his dad, "What's the difference between a boy and a girl?"

His dad answers, "Well, there's a vas deferens!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxpzg/a_son_asks_his_dad_whats_the_difference_between_a/
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The gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very
long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of
gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too
personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Myers and bought a pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During
the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without
checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and
sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had
not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones
with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to
remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for
me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put
them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will
come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you
again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp
from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All
my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a
little fur showing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxot5/the_gift/
%
A man loses his manhood...

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxl4i/a_man_loses_his_manhood/
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What happens when a cow jumps over a barb-wire fence?

udder destruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxj5f/what_happens_when_a_cow_jumps_over_a_barbwire/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Don't know, don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxj2v/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
The Pizza Cutter

A guy walks into a pizza place to pick up the pizza he ordered. The worker behind the counter says, "Would you like your pizza cut in eight slices or ten?" The man replies, "You better make it eight - I don't think I could eat all ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxhon/the_pizza_cutter/
%
Why are terrorists so mean?

Because they don't like Nice people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxfmy/why_are_terrorists_so_mean/
%
"I OBJECT!!!" The defendant screams in court.

The judge gives him a very emotional hug and says "no... you human".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxfet/i_object_the_defendant_screams_in_court/
%
What did the bathtub say to the toilet?

I get a lot of ass but I don't take no shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxboa/what_did_the_bathtub_say_to_the_toilet/
%
What do you call a Jamaican Proctologist?

Pokemon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sxa48/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_proctologist/
%
How do you say virgin in German?

Goodentite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sx9rv/how_do_you_say_virgin_in_german/
%
I made a Tech Joke

Q: What did one device say to the other?
A: Are you syncing what I"m syncing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sx7xx/i_made_a_tech_joke/
%
Jesus holds up the bread...

Jesus holds up the bread and says, "This is my body."
Next, Jesus hold up the wine and says, "This is my blood."
After that, Jesus holds up the mayonnaise and Peter says, "That's enough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sx5ro/jesus_holds_up_the_bread/
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What's the difference between life and a prostitute?

You have to pay a prostitute to fuck you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sx5bo/whats_the_difference_between_life_and_a_prostitute/
%
I'd rather cuddle than have sex

*then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sx50z/id_rather_cuddle_than_have_sex/
%
Removing the skin of an orange...

That's appealing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sx4tp/removing_the_skin_of_an_orange/
%
Black Eyes

man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sx4sn/black_eyes/
%
Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he 's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4swxax/why_couldnt_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
%
Praise the Lord

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise
Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4swvhn/praise_the_lord/
%
When People Tell Me to Get a Life

I take theirs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4swugi/when_people_tell_me_to_get_a_life/
%
Q.: "Governor, what would you say if Trump picked you as his running mate?"

Christie: "I'll close down that bridge when I get to it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4swqoe/q_governor_what_would_you_say_if_trump_picked_you/
%
I think we need a safe space to discuss Winnie the Pooh.

Oh sorry, TIGGER WARNING!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4swn4l/i_think_we_need_a_safe_space_to_discuss_winnie/
%
Party Down South

This Northern guy moves to a small rural Georgia town.He’s lived there for many weeks, and although he’s said hello to some of the locals he’s never been invited to socialize.
One day, however, he hears a knock at the door. He opens it and sees a big burly Georgian with a thick black beard, missing a few teeth, wearing dirty overalls and no shoes.
Before the guy can say anything, the Georgian says, “I come over to invite you to my birthday party tonight.”
“Birthday party?” asks the guy.
“Yeah,” replies the Georgian. “You like drinkin’?”
“Oh sure,” says the guy. “I’ve been known to put away a few at a party.”
“Well, we’re gonna drink all night,” says the Georgian. “Beer, whiskey, bourbon, vodka, even some of Daddy’s moonshine. You like dancin’?”
“You bet,” says the guy.
“Well, we’re gonna dance all night too,” says the Georgian. “Fast dancin’, slow dancin’, square dancin’, line dancin’, gonna do it all. You like to fight?”
“Well, not really,” says the guy, “but I guess I can defend myself if I need to.”
“Well, I gotta warn ya,” says the Georgian, “there’s always a big ol’ fight near the end of these parties. Gets pretty fierce. Sometimes people get hurt. You like sex?”
“Why, sure,” says the guy.
“That’s good,” says the Georgian, “because after the fightin’ there’s always a lot of sex. All night long, sex, sex, sex: till the sun comes up the next morning.”
“I’ll be there!” says the guy, dazzled by the prospect of a night of drinking, dancing, fighting, and sex. “So what do people wear to a party like this?”
“Don’t matter,” says the Georgian as he walks away. “It’s only gonna be you and me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4swm2q/party_down_south/
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Two men are sitting at a bar....

The first man tells his buddy, "I saw my boss being beaten up by 3 guys when I was leaving here last Friday."
The second man says, "Did you help?"
The first man replies, "Nope, they seemed like they were doing a good job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4swea5/two_men_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
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Had Irish 7 coarse meal for lunch today

6 pack and a baked potato. Was delicious!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4swe1w/had_irish_7_coarse_meal_for_lunch_today/
%
If I wasn't too busy adulting...

I'd be kidding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sw64i/if_i_wasnt_too_busy_adulting/
%
I found out the other day my sister was arrested for bestiality

Well, just call me a monkey's uncle....
Credit to Stewart Francis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sw5bm/i_found_out_the_other_day_my_sister_was_arrested/
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Adding Insult to Introduction

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”
The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sw4e8/adding_insult_to_introduction/
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A guy falls in love with a very traditional girl.....

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl, that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission.
"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand"
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sw3zg/a_guy_falls_in_love_with_a_very_traditional_girl/
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What do you call someone who finishes a sentence with you?

Partner in crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sw2k3/what_do_you_call_someone_who_finishes_a_sentence/
%
You wanna hear an offensive joke?

Keemstar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4svwr9/you_wanna_hear_an_offensive_joke/
%
When Alaska became a state...

A Texan man decided he must remain a citizen of the largest state in the USA and moved there.
When he tried to change his legal residence, the clerk at the courthouse said "We can't let just anybody become a citizen of this great state.  You have to pass a test to become a true Alaskan."
The Texan asks what he has to do.
"First, you have to drink a fifth of 190 proof Alaska moonshine.  Then you have to kill a polar bear, and finally, you have to have sex with an Eskimo woman."
The Texan laughs and says "That'll be easy.  I drink moonshine all the time, killed a dozen bears, and slept with the meanest Mexican women.  Where's that moonshine?"
The clerk hands him the bottle.  The Texan raises it and drinks it all at once.  He staggers a moment, then says "Where's that polar bear?"  The clerk tells him there's one that hangs out around the city dump.  The Texan leaves, and comes back about an hour later, covered in blood, scratches, and missing a finger.
"OK, where's that Eskimo woman you want me to kill?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4svtqw/when_alaska_became_a_state/
%
If you Google "lost mediaeval servant boy"

You get "This page cannot be found".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4svryq/if_you_google_lost_mediaeval_servant_boy/
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THE NUN AND THE CAB RIDE

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that...
1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4svpxj/the_nun_and_the_cab_ride/
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Why hasn't Mexico got an Olympic team?

Because the ones who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4svpa6/why_hasnt_mexico_got_an_olympic_team/
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How does Hitler like his Juice?

From concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4svkcz/how_does_hitler_like_his_juice/
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My brother lost his job at the rubber factory

... but I think he'll bounce back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4svk8k/my_brother_lost_his_job_at_the_rubber_factory/
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I tried anal for the first time last night and I hated it...

Fuck that shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4svi9y/i_tried_anal_for_the_first_time_last_night_and_i/
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Two friends are driving along the road

When they see a goat with its head stuck in a fence. They pull over, and the driver gets out, goes over to goat pulls down his pants and fucks the goat. When he is done he gets back in the car and the passenger turns to him and says "you know, that actually looks like a lot of fun." The drive tells him to go give it a shot. So the passenger gets out, walks over to the goat and sticks his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4svhxh/two_friends_are_driving_along_the_road/
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TIL the excuse the US Marine used in May 1943 after accidentally friendly fire'ing a British U-boat.

Woops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4svh9p/til_the_excuse_the_us_marine_used_in_may_1943/
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What is Beethoven doing these days?

Decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4svfq4/what_is_beethoven_doing_these_days/
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Did you hear about the guy who got chilled to absolute zero?

Hes 0K now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sve00/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_chilled_to/
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Welcome to Hell!

A man dies one day and is sent to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. The Devil leads the man to a wooden door and tells the man to head on in. The man goes inside and is greeted by endless bottles of beer and gorgeous women surrounding him. "What gives? I thought Hell was all about torture and damnation." The man asks, to which the Devil replies "Oh it is, you see the bottles of beer have holes in the bottom and the women don't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4svbq9/welcome_to_hell/
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I just got a job cleaning air ducts and I don't like it very much, but at least I have a job.

Thanks for letting me vent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4svaqe/i_just_got_a_job_cleaning_air_ducts_and_i_dont/
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The Telegram

"Telegram"
Oh boy, I've always wanted a singing telegram!
"Oh, it's not a singing telegram, just a regular telegram"
Oh come on, you can sing it, can't ya?
"I really shouldn't"
How about for $5?
"Ugh... I don't think so"
$10?
"Sir..."
$20?! Come on man, I have wanted a singing telegram all my life. You got to.
"I don't feel comfortable..."
You stupid punk. OK... $50. Can you just sing the stupid telegram?!
"Ok, sir... you asked for it"
"Buh-duh bud-duh, buh-buh... your sister Rose is dead..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sv3ek/the_telegram/
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Why couldn't Caligula get anything passed in the Roman Senate?

His horse kept casting too many neigh votes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4suxzv/why_couldnt_caligula_get_anything_passed_in_the/
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Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to have another baby. However, a man who has taken a kick to the jewels...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4suxmk/which_hurts_worse_a_kick_in_the_nuts_or_having_a/
%
I was in a masturbating competition...

I came 1st twice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4suwar/i_was_in_a_masturbating_competition/
%
Why did princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4suvuc/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican are riding a plane...

…when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.  The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane.  The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.
The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.
The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death.
The Texan stands up, straightens his cowboy hat, says "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4suux0/a_frenchman_an_englishman_a_texan_and_a_mexican/
%
Why do black people play basketball?

Because it teaches them how to shoot, run and steal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4suuuf/why_do_black_people_play_basketball/
%
A billionaire throws a party for the whole town....

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town. He has everything a billionaire could possibly have including: tennis courts, go cart track, mini-golf, private airplane, and a huge mansion.  The main attraction however is the biggest swimming pool you've ever seen, and inside that pool, the worlds biggest alligator.
At the end of the party he makes a announcement, 'Before everyone leaves Id like to make a challenge, Whoever can swim across my swimming pool without getting eaten by the alligator can have one of three things. (1. A billion dollars) (2. Half my estate) (or 3. My daughters hand in marriage). No one however has the guts to do so and the party ends and everyone goes home.
The very next year he throws another party's just like the first and at the very end he challenges someone to the same challenge as before. However no one has the guts the 2nd year either and everyone leaves.
The third year comes and he decides to throw one more party, and at the end of the party he gives his challenge one more time. Just as he is finishing saying what he will give the lucky guy who can swim across, He hears a splash of someone jumping in. He looks over to see this guy swimming as fast as he possibly can across the pool with the alligator chasing after him. Everyone in town is cheering him on as the alligator is snapping it's jaw at his feet. The man reaches the end of the pool and 3 men pull him up as the alligator snaps his shoe off.
The billionaire rushes over and he exclaims, 'THAT WAS THE BRAVESET THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!! Which choice do you want out of the three?!?! The man is breathing so heavily he can't speak. The bilionare asks, 'Do you want a billion dollars?' The man replies with heavy breathing 'No no No'. The billionaire responds with 'You're a smart man you must want half my estate'. The man replies with heavy breathing still 'No No gasp No'. The billionaire goes 'Ok you are even smarter than I thought. You may have my daughters hand in marriage.' The man replies still breathing heavily 'No No I don't want your daughter'. The billionaire now confused asks 'Than what do you possibly want?!?!?!' The man replies back with, 'I, I just want the na, name of the gu, guy who pushed me in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4suqys/a_billionaire_throws_a_party_for_the_whole_town/
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There are three kinds of people on the world.

People who can count and people who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4supj8/there_are_three_kinds_of_people_on_the_world/
%
Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

To hide in cherry trees. Ever seen one? No? It works.
What's the loudest sound in the forest?
Giraffes eating cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sup95/why_do_elephants_paint_their_testicles_red/
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What's the difference between a violinist and a fiddler?

How red their necks are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sum05/whats_the_difference_between_a_violinist_and_a/
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Where did the chess player go when he lost one of his chess pieces?

The pawn shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4suagy/where_did_the_chess_player_go_when_he_lost_one_of/
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Why did mozart kill his chickens?

Because they were always saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4suaci/why_did_mozart_kill_his_chickens/
%
98% of lawyers

give the other 2% a bad name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4su9yu/98_of_lawyers/
%
If a feminist has 15 cupcakes

And she eats 13 of them, why is she wearing leggins?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4su9yw/if_a_feminist_has_15_cupcakes/
%
Why Do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that were buried there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4su9rl/why_do_women_wear_panties_with_flowers_on_them/
%
You matter...

Until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4su9jr/you_matter/
%
What do you call an Aligator that makes sandwiches?

A deligator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4su9dg/what_do_you_call_an_aligator_that_makes_sandwiches/
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A hot woman was standing in a bus.

A kid saw her standing, got up and said, "hey lady, you can sit here. I've vacated my place for you."
At this, woman got real livid and slapped the kid.
"These days you can't even be nice to anybody", said the boy and went back to sit on his father's lap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4su89x/a_hot_woman_was_standing_in_a_bus/
%
What do Ethiopians do at night?

Starve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4su7tp/what_do_ethiopians_do_at_night/
%
Why do husbands typically die before their wives?

They want to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4su1yt/why_do_husbands_typically_die_before_their_wives/
%
What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4su1px/what_do_you_do_with_an_elephant_with_3_balls/
%
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

U...
Because U keep reposting this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4su0pg/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
I have great muscle memory

I totally remember when I was in shape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4styv6/i_have_great_muscle_memory/
%
Knock knock. Who's there?

Hakeem.
Hakeem who?
Hakeem in like a wrecking ball!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sty4t/knock_knock_whos_there/
%
Indian boy asks his father "why is my brother named White Buffalo?"

The father replies " when brother born ,I step outside and first thing I see is white buffalo"--
"Why is my sister named Grey Cloud?"--
"When sister born ,I step outside and first thing I see is grey cloud, but why do you ask Shitting  Dog?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4stsqd/indian_boy_asks_his_father_why_is_my_brother/
%
I never understood why being called an Einstein is bad.

It's only relatively insulting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4str03/i_never_understood_why_being_called_an_einstein/
%
If history is written by the victors

Then who wrote the history of France ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4stqij/if_history_is_written_by_the_victors/
%
They told him: your girlfriend is cheating on you..

He wiped away his tears & asked : Which one ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4stnlf/they_told_him_your_girlfriend_is_cheating_on_you/
%
A man takes his wife out to dinner

one night. The wife says, "I want you to treat me like a princess." The husband drives his Mercedes into a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4stmc8/a_man_takes_his_wife_out_to_dinner/
%
I have created a subreddit dedicated to all times that OP doesn't deliver

The link is in the comments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4stlwu/i_have_created_a_subreddit_dedicated_to_all_times/
%
A little boy is hit by a bus...

...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about sex in a time like this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4stl1x/a_little_boy_is_hit_by_a_bus/
%
I had my hepatitis test today....

I did pretty well! I had one A, two B's, and a C!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4stk00/i_had_my_hepatitis_test_today/
%
A mother of twins went into labour and passed out.

She woke up hours later to find her (not so bright) sister carrying her twins. Nervously the new mother asked her sister whether the children has been named. To which the sister replied yes. The new mother shocked and scared then asked the sister what she named the children to which she replied she named the niece Denise. The mother feeling a little better then asked what she had name the boy to which she replied Denephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4stj7b/a_mother_of_twins_went_into_labour_and_passed_out/
%
What's the difference between a oral and rectal thermometer

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sth34/whats_the_difference_between_a_oral_and_rectal/
%
Dad goes on date with Carly Rae Jepsen

As she got into his car he said "Hi, Maybe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4st7br/dad_goes_on_date_with_carly_rae_jepsen/
%
What do you call a county that lacks a modern telecommunications system?

"Technologically backward"
What do you call a county that lacks a fully integrated banking system?
"Economically underdeveloped."
What do you call a country that lacks a well-connected public transportation system?
"America"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4st6wp/what_do_you_call_a_county_that_lacks_a_modern/
%
Did you hear that Auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go?

They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.
For those of you who were offended... please try to take it easy. It's a joke. You should find humor in everything. Life's more fun that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4st4cc/did_you_hear_that_auschwitz_had_to_ask_visitors/
%
Have you heard the joke you are never supposed to tell a gay person?

Oh. Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4st20x/have_you_heard_the_joke_you_are_never_supposed_to/
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My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred

She's a perfect ten but imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4st06u/my_gf_is_like_the_square_root_of_negative_one/
%
I met a girl who was into leather and bondage.

She tied me up and stole my wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sszgs/i_met_a_girl_who_was_into_leather_and_bondage/
%
Life is a soup

And i am a fork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ssz1z/life_is_a_soup/
%
Why would Hilary Clinton as president be good for the economy?

We would only need to pay her 78 cents on the dollar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ssye0/why_would_hilary_clinton_as_president_be_good_for/
%
The mixup

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ssveo/the_mixup/
%
How do you silence a group of women?

Bring out your camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sssx9/how_do_you_silence_a_group_of_women/
%
A very attractive woman walked into a bar

Asked everyone what they wanted to drink, everyone wanted two liquor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ssqay/a_very_attractive_woman_walked_into_a_bar/
%
Overheard two doctors in the emergency ward

They were discussing a patient who had arrived with six plastic horses stuck in his rectum.
Described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ssq22/overheard_two_doctors_in_the_emergency_ward/
%
2 hunters hire a pilot and fly to the jungle...

...and they hunt alot of things and prepare to go back home. Seeing the huge amount of things that the hunters brought back, the pilot exclaimed, "the plane will never fly well with that much stuff on!"
The hunters tell the pilot," relax, we hunted this much last year!" Reluctantly, the pilot decides to load the things onto the plane for takeoff.
When the plane was around the mountains, the pilot realised that the plane could not ascend, and thus the plane crashed into the mountain. Miraculously, all 3 men survived.
The pilot asked," Do you know where we are?"
Thinking, the two hunters replied," I think we are about 1 to 2 miles away from where we crashed last year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sspmg/2_hunters_hire_a_pilot_and_fly_to_the_jungle/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She Gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ssos5/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Blind Girl

If a blind girl tells you your manhood is massive…
…she’s probably pulling your leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ssokw/blind_girl/
%
A story about a man who drank a lot..

So I have a story about a man who drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again I will leave you"
So the man goes to the pub with his mates, has a few too many and throws up all over himself. He tells his friend about his situation and his friend said "take a £20 note and put it in your shirt pocket, then tell your wife somebody threw up on your shirt and gave you the money for the dry cleaning bill"
So he goes home and his wife was about to leave when she saw him. So he pulls out the £20 and explains someone threw up over him and gave him the money for the dry cleaning bill.
She asks "what is the other £20 for?"
He replies "that was from the man who shat in my pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sslz3/a_story_about_a_man_who_drank_a_lot/
%
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper...

I woke this morning with a huge correction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sskmt/last_night_i_reached_for_my_liquid_viagra_and/
%
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man...

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out.
She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg." he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ssiye/a_cnn_journalist_heard_about_a_very_old_jewish_man/
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What is the difference between Trump's tie and a horse's tail?

The horse's tail covers the whole asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ssh0i/what_is_the_difference_between_trumps_tie_and_a/
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Four types of sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ssh0b/four_types_of_sex/
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A panda walks into a restaurant

, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!""Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sseo8/a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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Why do Jews have big noses?

Because oxygen is free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ss2hn/why_do_jews_have_big_noses/
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Two antennae got married...

The ceremony was alright, but the reception was GREAT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ss0gy/two_antennae_got_married/
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Why was the man sent to prison after staying up all night?

Because he was resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4srvq4/why_was_the_man_sent_to_prison_after_staying_up/
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nsfw Son: Dad, remember when I killed that butterfly........

At Family Dinner:
Son: Dad, remember when I killed that butterfly and you told me, "no butter for a week?"
Dad: yeah...
Son: and when sis killed that honeybee and you said, "no honey for a week?"
Dad: yeah, that was a month ago. So what?
Son: Mom just killed a cockroach, should I break it to her?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4srvi0/nsfw_son_dad_remember_when_i_killed_that_butterfly/
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A Nun Pun [x-post from /r/Catholicism]

Fifth grade teacher Sister Agnes was leading her parochial school class in an arts and crafts activity; tie-dying t-shirts. A couple of unruly students were getting a bit reckless with their bottles of dye when they accidentally spilled several ounces of pink pigment down the back of Sister Agnes.
The jaws of every kid in the class dropped as they watched to see how the aging nun would react. Their amazement only grew as her worn and slightly faded garment repelled any evidence of a stain.
"Holy Mother of God!" one student exclaimed, "it's a miracle!"
Sister Agnes shrugged and went about her work without concern. "It's not a miracle," she replied. "Haven't you ever heard? Old habits dye hard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4srstp/a_nun_pun_xpost_from_rcatholicism/
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Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

Because he was sitting on the deck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4srs3z/why_couldnt_the_pirate_play_cards/
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What do you call a singer gently swaying from one side to another?

A rocking Cher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4srqez/what_do_you_call_a_singer_gently_swaying_from_one/
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An incredible dog

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"  The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters & listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired and I post jokes on Reddit."  The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4srpfr/an_incredible_dog/
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There's a man with a 15 inch penis...

This is a problem so he goes to the doctor to see what he can do about size reduction. The doctor says "sir, I can't do anything about it here. But I do know of a magic frog. Go into the woods, find the frog and ask it to marry you. Every time it says no, your penis will decrease by 3 inches."
So the man finds the frog and says "magic frog, will you marry me?" The frog rolls it's eyes and says "no." The man looks down and sure enough, it works! So he goes "magic frog, will you marry me?" The frog rolls it's eyes again and says "No." And it shrinks again down to 9 inches. The man decides to try one last time. So he goes "magic frog, will you marry me?" And the frog snaps and says "How many times do I have to say it?! NO NO and NO!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4srp8o/theres_a_man_with_a_15_inch_penis/
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John Wayne walks into a bar...

And asks the bartender if he can use his private restroom.
"No!" Says the bartender, "You can use the public one, just like everybody else!"
John wayne replies: "Oh come on man, I'm John Wayne!"
"No preferential treatment, either use the public one, or get out."
John Wayne thinks for a while, hoping from foot to foot, before he gives in, and waddles off the the mens room.
A few moments later he returns with his left pat-leg totally soaked.
"What the hell happened to you?!" Exclaimed the bartender.
"Happens to me every time! I go up to the urinal, and the guy standing next to me turns around saying 'Hey! It's John Wayne!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4srp7w/john_wayne_walks_into_a_bar/
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What does Fetty Wap buy when he goes to Walmart?

7 tees, 30 eggs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4srnpm/what_does_fetty_wap_buy_when_he_goes_to_walmart/
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Blonde by a river

So, a blonde is walking next to a river, and she sees another blonde on the other side.  So, she yells, "Hey, how do you get on the other side of the river?"  The other blonde yells back, "You're already ON the other side of the river!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4srmmg/blonde_by_a_river/
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Why doesn't Ganon use the Internet?

There were too many Links.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4srjer/why_doesnt_ganon_use_the_internet/
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The Indian That Never Forgets

Once a man was traveling through the west on vacation, when he saw a sign that said, "Meet the Indian Who Never Forgets, Next Exit". Well, being curious, the man stops at the attraction to see the Indian. He asks the man, "What did you have for breakfast on June 9, 1978?" The Indian replies "Eggs!"
Well, everyone has eggs for breakfast, this guy is a charlatan, the man thinks.
30 years later, the same man is on vacation with his wife and children, and sees the sign for the Indian again. He thinks what the heck, I'll stop in and see him.
When the man approaches the Indian, he holds up his hand and says, "How!"
The Indian replies, "Scrambled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4srh84/the_indian_that_never_forgets/
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How are children like eggs?

They both taste better after you beat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4srh1h/how_are_children_like_eggs/
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I know she wanted to be cremated, and I know she didn't want a formal funeral...

...But was a "Family Barbecue" really the best idea?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4srgr4/i_know_she_wanted_to_be_cremated_and_i_know_she/
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Difference between hypothetical and reality

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”
The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?”
The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?”
The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father answers, “OK, son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sra6z/difference_between_hypothetical_and_reality/
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My ass is a better cook than me because...

At least what it makes is supposed to taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sr8yk/my_ass_is_a_better_cook_than_me_because/
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What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?

A nervous wreck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sr8ni/what_lies_on_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_and_shakes/
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Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college.

I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull  fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get
those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a chld. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.
Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not
permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the
village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital,  I am not pregnant,  I am  not engaged. I do not have
syphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Yours-
Your Loving Daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sr5mu/dear_mother_and_dad_it_has_now_been_three_months/
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A Postman's Last Day

A Postman, after years on the same route, was on his last day before retirement. He was cherished by all on his route. And every door was one gift after another, celebrating the beloved postman. He received gift after gift.
Then coming up to another home on the route, he sees a blonde in sexy lingerie. She invites him inside, gives him the best sex of his life. And then serves him breakfast. Afterwards, he sees a twenty beside him on the table.
The postman, confused, asks, "What did I do to deserve all of this?"
The blonde looks at him and says "Well I told my husband last night  you were retiring, and I asked him what I should get you, and he said 'Fuck him. Give him a a twenty or something.' But breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sr50z/a_postmans_last_day/
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Calculus

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final.  Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well
liked.  He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer.  Since he was so busy galavanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure of the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room.  This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000
students in the class.
Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a decent grade to pass the class.  His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this ass standing in the front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in didn't help him at all.  He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said "pencils down and submit your scan-tron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room".
Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty...almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final.  The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam. "What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he waited)  It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time.
"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor gloated, "Your exam is an hour late.  You've FAILED it and, consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat my course."
The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you know who I am?"
"What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no sign of emotion.
The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?"
"NO", snarled the professor.
The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sr3xg/calculus/
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Why did the scarecrow win the award?

Because he was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sr3k6/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_the_award/
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Cowboy Boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sr33l/cowboy_boots/
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What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison to go to Death Valley to shoot up?

A high low small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sqzc1/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_who_escaped/
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What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house?

I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sqw9n/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_man_who_walked_off/
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A guy walks into a bar...

his face gets bruised, his phone shatters on the concrete, and the Pokemon gets away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4squin/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4squ2c/liquor_probably_wont_fix_your_problems/
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What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?

Albert Einstein's dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sqqnp/whats_the_smartest_thing_to_ever_come_out_of_a/
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A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest...

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sqok4/a_doctor_a_lawyer_a_little_boy_and_a_priest/
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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans.

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sqn1o/a_mother_shark_is_teaching_her_young_how_to_eat/
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Why is it not a good idea to send cats to Mars?

Because Curiosity would kill them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sqmz0/why_is_it_not_a_good_idea_to_send_cats_to_mars/
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I'm getting pretty worried, my girlfriend hasn't gotten her period yet.

And she's already 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sqmri/im_getting_pretty_worried_my_girlfriend_hasnt/
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Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they're worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sql94/why_are_divorces_so_expensive/
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What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a kidney bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sqjxx/whats_the_difference_between_a_kidney_bean_and_a/
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What did the frog say to his girlfriend while she was giving him a handjob?

Rubbit, Rubbit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sqjkj/what_did_the_frog_say_to_his_girlfriend_while_she/
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"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sqjj7/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
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A Man Had Three Beautiful Girlfriends But Didn't Know Which One to Marry...

As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.
The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."
The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sqgi6/a_man_had_three_beautiful_girlfriends_but_didnt/
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My girlfriend said she thinks her boobs are too small

"I'm going to get a boob job" she said.
"Hmm." I said, "My hands are too small...what do you think I should do?"
"Do you want a hand job?"
She's a keeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sqcjv/my_girlfriend_said_she_thinks_her_boobs_are_too/
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How do you get an 80 year old woman to say f***?

Have another 80 year old woman yell "bingo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sqbgy/how_do_you_get_an_80_year_old_woman_to_say_f/
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When you f**k up a coded message and have to send it again

Re morse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sqb4y/when_you_fk_up_a_coded_message_and_have_to_send/
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My wife told me I had to give up drinking

So I joined the AA.
Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake.
At least either way I'm on the road to recovery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sq9xb/my_wife_told_me_i_had_to_give_up_drinking/
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A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama

and orders a cosmopolitan.
The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the, "I'm from New Hampshire."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered,
so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sq8pj/a_yankee_walks_into_a_bar_in_alabama/
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Did you hear about that Reese lady?

Guy 1: Hey, did you here about that celebrity that stabbed some poor guy to death? What was her name, Reese... Reese Wither... Wither...
Guy 2: Witherspoon?
Guy 1: No, with her knife.
Classic that I haven't seen for awhile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sq7jw/did_you_hear_about_that_reese_lady/
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I'm working on a script for a horror movie.

It's called *my diary*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sq5uf/im_working_on_a_script_for_a_horror_movie/
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Playing Pokemon Go is like having sex with a cheap hooker...

..You never know what you're going to catch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sq4oi/playing_pokemon_go_is_like_having_sex_with_a/
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I was at my GF's house hanging with her and her smoking hot younger sister

My girlfriend leaves the room leaving me alone with her sister.  She's been gone for a while when her sister climbs up on top of me and says "we should have sex right this second, any way you want it, before my sister gets back".  I immediately throw her off and start walking out.  My girlfriend is waiting outside the room and kisses me, saying I won her trust.
Lesson learned: always keep condom in the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sq3xd/i_was_at_my_gfs_house_hanging_with_her_and_her/
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4spyfz/whats_brown_and_sticky/
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A man walks into the room where his wife is in with a sheep under his arm.

The man looks at his wife and says "this is the pig I have sex with when you're not around". The man's wife replies "I'll think you'll find that's a sheep" to which he replies "I was talking to the sheep".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4spxyu/a_man_walks_into_the_room_where_his_wife_is_in/
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What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sprko/whats_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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one morning the mother is ill so the dad is getting the kids breakfast

"Right then kids, what do you want for breakfast?" He asks little Billy and Jane.
Billy calls out, "I'll have a fucking boiled egg!"
He father slaps him round the back of the head and says ""WHAT! nothing for you then! off to school now and your grounded for a week!" He turns to Jane "So what can I make for you?"
Jane replies "Well I dont want a fucking boiled egg thats for sure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sprk9/one_morning_the_mother_is_ill_so_the_dad_is/
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Here in Britain, we've got May & Hammond in the Government now -

All we need is Clarkson and we've got Top Gear back again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sppg2/here_in_britain_weve_got_may_hammond_in_the/
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Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."
Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4spmkr/guy_runs_into_a_bar_yells_quick_how_tall_is_a/
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COLONOSCOPY

I was feeling nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy.  On a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco. I was convinced that the beautiful nurses were allegedly more gentle and accommodating there.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4spl2f/colonoscopy/
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A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor for the first time.

The marriage counselor starts off by asking the couple what they have in common. The husband speaks up first and says "Well, neither one of us like suckin' dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4spkxm/a_husband_and_wife_go_to_a_marriage_counselor_for/
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Why are uncircumcised people loners?

Because they're complete dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sph63/why_are_uncircumcised_people_loners/
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What's the difference between Tinder and the PokemonGo app?

Nothing, it both requires swiping to find monsters in your area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4spgzl/whats_the_difference_between_tinder_and_the/
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How do you start a rave in Uganda ?

Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4spdco/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_uganda/
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Why is a gun better than a woman?

You can buy a silencer for a gun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4spawx/why_is_a_gun_better_than_a_woman/
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Free Dinner

A joke my buddy told me that I thought is worth sharing.
A man is walking down the street when he notices a sign out front of a bar that says, "If you can make my horse laugh, free food and drinks!" Curious, the man walks into the bar and sits down. He asks the bartender about the sign out front and the bartender guarantees that he would keep his word. Pondering for a second, the man asks if he can have a moment alone with the horse to which the bartender agrees. Two minutes later, the man comes back in and the bartender can hear his horse laughing his ass off. The bartender then asks the man what he did, but the man does not tell. Keeping his word the man got free food and free drinks all night.
The next day the man is strolling by the bar again when he sees the sign this time and it says "If you can make my horse cry, free food and free drinks!" So the man decides to walk back in. The bartender notices the guy from the night before and asked if he was here for the challenge. The man agreed and asked for another 2 minutes alone with the horse. When he returned to the bar, the bartender can hear his horse crying and wailing in agony. Puzzled, the bartender had to know how the man did it. So after offering up free food and drinks again, the bartender made sure the man stay around to find out how he did it. After getting the man drunk, the bartender asks, "Man, you gotta tell me what you did to my horse." Drunkenly, the man says "You really wanna know? Fine. Well you see the first night, I whispered in your horses ear that I had a bigger dick than he did. And as for the 2nd night, I came back and proved it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4spaak/free_dinner/
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He Neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sp9r8/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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I just made up a new word

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sp9me/i_just_made_up_a_new_word/
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What does Pokemon Go and sex have in common?

They're not for kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sp6zm/what_does_pokemon_go_and_sex_have_in_common/
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Birthdays are good for your health

Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sp683/birthdays_are_good_for_your_health/
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I hate bikes that carry two people.

I can't tandem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sp54p/i_hate_bikes_that_carry_two_people/
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How does Justin Bieber remove a condom?

He farts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sp4ts/how_does_justin_bieber_remove_a_condom/
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There's two things I don't like about my sons new partner.

He's black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sp43g/theres_two_things_i_dont_like_about_my_sons_new/
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I do resistance training every day

It's called refusing to go to the gym

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sp278/i_do_resistance_training_every_day/
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My wife said I must think she's a whore...

I told her a whore would be cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sotxd/my_wife_said_i_must_think_shes_a_whore/
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...

I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sotdl/my_neighborhood_barber_just_got_arrested_for/
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My friend and I were hiking

Me: "That's a huge rock over there!"
Him: "Boulder."
Me: **"That's a huge rock over there."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sorr1/my_friend_and_i_were_hiking/
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What did they call Hitler when he swam?

Adolfin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sopl2/what_did_they_call_hitler_when_he_swam/
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An man shows up for his first day of work at a strict anti-racist organization. He notices his asian boss has very dirty glasses ...

"How can you even see with those?"
"You're fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4soneh/an_man_shows_up_for_his_first_day_of_work_at_a/
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Funeral

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4son8h/funeral/
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Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their fingers through their hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4somrh/why_do_bald_men_cut_holes_in_their_pockets/
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A nudist woman walks into a bar

And tells the bartender "one beer please"
The bartender just looks at her from head to toes. "What? Haven't  you ever seen a naked woman?" --
"Oh yeah many times"--
"Well, why do you keep staring  at me then?"--
"I'm just wondering where you keep your money to pay for the beer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sokyo/a_nudist_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
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How does a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4soelt/how_does_a_welshman_find_a_sheep_in_tall_grass/
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The Perfect Son

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sodyd/the_perfect_son/
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I got a job at the circus circumcising baby elephants.

It pays peanuts, but the tips are huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sobsh/i_got_a_job_at_the_circus_circumcising_baby/
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Why couldn't the two melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4soaii/why_couldnt_the_two_melons_get_married/
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So MotherTeresa is in heaven, but...

she notices that Princess Diana has a bigger halo than her. So Mother Teresa goes to God and asks why Princess Diana has a larger halo. God laughs and responds, "Oh, that's not a halo, that's the steering wheel."
My grandmother told me this joke, all credit to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4soahy/so_motherteresa_is_in_heaven_but/
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When Thatcher ruled it was Thatcherism!

Does that mean we now have Mayhem?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4so800/when_thatcher_ruled_it_was_thatcherism/
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What did the bacon say to the sandwich?

This club can't even handle me right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4so6ty/what_did_the_bacon_say_to_the_sandwich/
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The Bottle of Wine

Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the journey, Mike tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mike.
"What in bag?" asked the old man.
Mike looked down at the brown bag and said, "Oh, it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.  Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, "Good trade!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4so3ze/the_bottle_of_wine/
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Dear Abby...

Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, both of whom are prostitutes in Dallas.
I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.  My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual
misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl".
All things considered, my problem is this.  I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family.  I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4so0us/dear_abby/
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Saw my neighbour scrubbing some graffiti saying 'paedo' off his door this morning...

I said "What's been going on mate?"
He said "Fucking kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4so0l7/saw_my_neighbour_scrubbing_some_graffiti_saying/
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I've been diagnosed with kleptomania...

when it gets really bad, I have to take something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4snzu3/ive_been_diagnosed_with_kleptomania/
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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir,
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4snzrq/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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I told the wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4snzro/i_told_the_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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What do you call someone who is known for being heartless and cold to others?

Dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4snxcv/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_known_for_being/
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Did you hear about the electrician who beat up a baker?

He was charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4snwns/did_you_hear_about_the_electrician_who_beat_up_a/
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What's the difference between a meth lab and a Ferrari?

There isn't a Ferrari in my garage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4snvk8/whats_the_difference_between_a_meth_lab_and_a/
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What do you call a number that can’t keep still?

A roamin' numeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sntd6/what_do_you_call_a_number_that_cant_keep_still/
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What do you call a Greek philosopher who plays hard to get?

A socra-tease
Made this one up myself. I'll be here all week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sns76/what_do_you_call_a_greek_philosopher_who_plays/
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TIL: Phonebooks are banned in China

Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs, you might Wing the Wong number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sndtr/til_phonebooks_are_banned_in_china/
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What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sn2vk/what_do_you_call_a_witch_that_only_eats_sand/
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Freud was wrong, I have no desire to sleep with my mom

I'd bang the shit out of my aunt, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smzgt/freud_was_wrong_i_have_no_desire_to_sleep_with_my/
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Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smxjj/mom_finds_a_large_number_of_bdsm_magazines/
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What's the worst thing about a lung transplant?

Coughing up someone else's phlegm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smwwa/whats_the_worst_thing_about_a_lung_transplant/
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I'm pregnant...

A girl calls her boyfriend nervously. "Jerry, I'm pregnant..." There's a long pause before the boy replies"...hi pregnant, I'm dad." Another awkward paid follows before she replies "Actually..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smtus/im_pregnant/
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Me and my husband Atilla got into an argument

I told him "hun, let's not fight".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smn7z/me_and_my_husband_atilla_got_into_an_argument/
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If you're American before you go in the bathroom and American after you leave the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smn4w/if_youre_american_before_you_go_in_the_bathroom/
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What did T say to reassure V?

"Don't worry.  I'm right behind U."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smm9h/what_did_t_say_to_reassure_v/
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Why do Lannisters have such big beds? GoT

because they push twins together to make a king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smivm/why_do_lannisters_have_such_big_beds_got/
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So Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfur, Sodium, and phosphorus walk into a bar.

The bartender says "OH SNAP"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smhs9/so_oxygen_hydrogen_sulfur_sodium_and_phosphorus/
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An assassin had seen some porn where a guy fires his gun in the air when he ejaculates.

'I'll give that a go' he thought
He tried it the next day with his girlfriend but his gun jammed.
'Damn it' he said 'I've got to stop using those dirty magazines'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smh94/an_assassin_had_seen_some_porn_where_a_guy_fires/
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An orangutan in the zoo has two books

The Bible and Darwin's Origin Of Species. He's trying to figure out if he's his brother's keeper—or his keeper's brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smh2y/an_orangutan_in_the_zoo_has_two_books/
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what's th difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?

the refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smgva/whats_th_difference_between_a_gay_man_and_a/
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Why are chemists such whores?

They keep talking about their nitrates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smeah/why_are_chemists_such_whores/
%
Eating spinach is much like anal sex

You won't enjoy it as much as an adult if you are forced to do it as a child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smbri/eating_spinach_is_much_like_anal_sex/
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The father walks into the church and sees 4 sisters...

He asks what they are waiting for and they say they are there to confess their sins. The father tells them to come one by one, so the first one approaches and says:
"Father, forgive me for my sin. I touched a male's genitals using my left hand."
So the father thinks and says:
"Go there and wash your left hand with the holy water."
And the sister goes and washes her left hand with the holy water.
The second one approaches and says:
"Father, forgive me for my sin. I touched a male's genitals using my left hand and I rubbed it a little bit."
So the father thinks and says:
"Go there and wash your hand with the holy water. Don't forget to rub your hand in the water too."
And the sister goes and washes and rubs her left hand with the holy water.
Then, he realizes that the 3rd and 4th sisters are arguing. Father asks what is going on.
The third one tells the father that the fourth sister is trying to take her spot.
The fourth one desperately goes:
"Father, I just wanted to gargle before she washes her ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sm8q8/the_father_walks_into_the_church_and_sees_4/
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Me and my wife, we have decided that we don't want kids.

They are not gonna like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sm53c/me_and_my_wife_we_have_decided_that_we_dont_want/
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Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4slyd0/why_is_hip_hop_popular_among_urban_youth/
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What do you call a midget psychic that broke out of jail?

A small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4slxp3/what_do_you_call_a_midget_psychic_that_broke_out/
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How do you kill a hipster?

By drowning it in the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4slw65/how_do_you_kill_a_hipster/
%
Beaver curry

A Canadian is showing his English friend around his hometown.
Canadian: "Have you ever tried beaver curry?"
Englishman: "Beaver curry,!?"
Canadian: " Yeah, it's like normal curry, but just a bit otter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4slse3/beaver_curry/
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Crazy man has sex with machine at laundromat and evades police

Nut screws washer and bolts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4slrr3/crazy_man_has_sex_with_machine_at_laundromat_and/
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kind woman

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some and, munching, asks her why she isn’t having any herself.
“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”
“Why buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.
“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4slrd4/kind_woman/
%
I 100% support the Trump Deportation Plan!!

Where should we send him?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4slqcl/i_100_support_the_trump_deportation_plan/
%
I couldn't tell if I brushed my teeth with tooth paste or shamoo last night

I hope it was the former, not the lather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sloy1/i_couldnt_tell_if_i_brushed_my_teeth_with_tooth/
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I used to have a lot of sex...

Then my VR headset broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4slmog/i_used_to_have_a_lot_of_sex/
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Stranded unfortunately...

3 men survive a plane crash in the ocean and wash up on a random remote island. They are soon captured by the local natives who tie them up and keep them captive.
After a few days of being tied up, the are brought in front of The Chief. The Chief informs them that they're to go out into the jungle and find 10 pieces of the exact same fruit and bring them back here for judgement. If they fail the judgement then they will be eaten! The Chief also informs that if they try to run and hide, they will be easily hunted down and also eaten!
The 3 men scatter and about an hour later 2 of the 3 have returned. The Chief summons the first man forward who has with him 10 apples. The Chief informs the first man to shove all 10 apples up his bottom one by one and if he shows any sign of discomfort, he will be taken away to be eaten. If he were to succeed, the natives will build him a boat and he can leave.
The first man puts one apple up his backside and is fine. He begins to put the second one up but screams in pain! The local natives grab him and begin to tie him up to prep him for eating.
The Chief summons the second man forward who has gathered 10 berries. The Chief tells him the same deal. The second man puts the first berry up, the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eight, ninth and as he is about to put the last one up he begins bursting out with laughter. The local natives grab him and also tie him up, throwing him to the ground where the first man is tied up.
The first man says to the second man - "What happened, you were on the last berry why did you start laughing?" - the second man still laughing, motions with his head over to the distance where the first man spots the third man coming back with...
Pineapples

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4slmf3/stranded_unfortunately/
%
Civil War Jokes?

Most of them are General-Lee stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sll9p/civil_war_jokes/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a German walk into a bar...

... and they all order a drink. The barman pours a glass of beer each for the Frenchman and the German, put provides a plastic cup of beer for the Englishman.
The other two ask him, "Why do we have glasses, and he has a plastic cup?"
The barman replies, "Because he Brexit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sljzc/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_a_german_walk_into/
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Never Lose A Tank

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4slj6b/never_lose_a_tank/
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

You take the pizza delivery sign off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4slhuo/how_do_you_make_a_musicians_car_more_aerodynamic/
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What does a young girl from Arkansas say just before she loses her virginity?

"Careful, dad, don't crush my smokes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4slc6m/what_does_a_young_girl_from_arkansas_say_just/
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Scooter

a man in a ferrari stops at a red light next to old guy on a scooter. he rolls down the window and says "this car can do 0.to.100 mph in less than the time your scooter starts to move..."
The old man nods in agreement and asks to peek in. The man let's him look in ... the old man is visibly impressed.
The light turns green and Mr Ferrari floors it to the next traffic light. As he slows down for the next stop he glances in the rear view mirror and sees the old man as a speck in the distance but gaining rapidly!
the old man on the scooter whooshes by the Ferrari at an incredible speed .... the man is stunned. now the scooter flies BACK to the car .... and whooshes by again.
Then forward again....
and he hears the old man screaming ... "yaaaaaaaa   Unhook my suspenders from your mirror...!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4slba4/scooter/
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What did Humpty Dumpty say to his girlfriend when she said they were breaking up?

Is this some sort of yolk?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4slabb/what_did_humpty_dumpty_say_to_his_girlfriend_when/
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Why do women love men who work with Horses?

Because those men have got Stable jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sl6lz/why_do_women_love_men_who_work_with_horses/
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An Iraqi father gave his daughter a new bag

... She said: "thanks for the Baghdad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sl5o8/an_iraqi_father_gave_his_daughter_a_new_bag/
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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4skve0/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
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What would happen if the Earth was a Cube?

We'd all be cubans. ^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4skt1d/what_would_happen_if_the_earth_was_a_cube/
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Please listen closely...

Attention: Tonight I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses WWII and Wednesday comes *after* Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4skrzp/please_listen_closely/
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A man wakes up in the hospital

bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay. You’ll walk again and everything. However, your penis was severed in the accident, and we couldn’t find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1,000 an inch.” The man perks up.
So,” the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
“Yes, I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you make a decision?”
“Yes“, says the man.
“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting granite counter tops.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4skrt3/a_man_wakes_up_in_the_hospital/
%
I started reading YouTube comments recently

Because cutting myself just wasn't doing the trick anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4skkuw/i_started_reading_youtube_comments_recently/
%
I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend and how great her breasts were.

It was a real trip down mammary lane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4skg0r/i_was_just_thinking_about_my_ex_girlfriend_and/
%
A man is walking through a small village...

and he goes inside a bar. There are only two people in it: the bartender and a middle-aged man sitting in a stool. The man sits next to the middle-aged man, who speaks to him, "My name's Pete. You see that wall over there?" He points to outside the window towards a brick wall. "I built that wall. Brick by brick with my bare hands. But they don't call me Pete the wall-builder." He then points to a tunnel in the side of a mountain out the other window. "You see that tunnel?" He said, "I dug that tunnel. I only used a trowel and a pair of gloves. Yet, they don't call me Pete the tunnel-digger." Pete then leans closer to the man and says to him, "But holy shit! You have sex with one pig..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4skfms/a_man_is_walking_through_a_small_village/
%
What's small and green and smells like pork?

Kermit's Finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4skff5/whats_small_and_green_and_smells_like_pork/
%
Me and my wife were happy for 20 years...

...then we met each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4skcw9/me_and_my_wife_were_happy_for_20_years/
%
I caught my Grandma sucking my Grandad's cock last night.

A bit weird, since I thought they buried it along with the rest of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sk9qo/i_caught_my_grandma_sucking_my_grandads_cock_last/
%
Why did Hydrogen hurt Iron?

Because he wanted to see him Sulfur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sk6p1/why_did_hydrogen_hurt_iron/
%
A woman goes into labor...

A woman and her husband go to the hospital as she goes into labor. The doctor tells them that they are trying a new machine that will transfer a percentage of the pain to the father. The couple decides to try it out. They want to start at 10% and see from there. The husband doesnt feel too much, so they crank it up to 20%. He is still feeling good and they decide to bring it all the way up to 50%. At this point, he is still not feeling very much pain, and he sees how much it is helping his wife. They eventually go all the way up to 100% and the child is born with no pain for the mother. The couple finally gets home and finds the mailman dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sk69p/a_woman_goes_into_labor/
%
I told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud...

"It should. It was fresh ground this morning"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sk5ay/i_told_the_waitress_my_coffee_tasted_like_mud/
%
Husband: "Honey, at work I fainted, and Natalie took me to the doctor. He says I need a brain surgery in 72 hours and blood transfusion also."

Wife: "Who is Natalie?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sk3yi/husband_honey_at_work_i_fainted_and_natalie_took/
%
I don't need a girlfriend, I can just play Pokémon Go

The servers go down on me every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sk05l/i_dont_need_a_girlfriend_i_can_just_play_pokémon/
%
Two rednecks are having a beer together...

One redneck asks the other, "If I slept with your wife and we had a child together, would that make us kin?" The other redneck responds, "I ain't sure, but it would at least make us even."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sjzf7/two_rednecks_are_having_a_beer_together/
%
They say that 1 out of 3 people has cheated on their relationship

I'm not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sjz7z/they_say_that_1_out_of_3_people_has_cheated_on/
%
I fart like an Egyptian pharoah...

We have a toot in common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sjsg8/i_fart_like_an_egyptian_pharoah/
%
If one is an expert at tying knots,

one does knot simply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sjmuy/if_one_is_an_expert_at_tying_knots/
%
Misty's boss says to her: "You've been late to work for 5 days straight! You know what this means, don't you?" .....

...to which Misty replied "I SURE do! It means today must be FRIDAY!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sjm36/mistys_boss_says_to_her_youve_been_late_to_work/
%
I wish restaurant food

looked like the pictures on the menu.
A hostess asked me how everything was.
I said, "My compliments to the photographer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sjkmy/i_wish_restaurant_food/
%
"Son, I found a condom in your room"

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sjkh8/son_i_found_a_condom_in_your_room/
%
A blind man and his seeing eye dog walk into a store

The man starts swinging the dog around by the tail. An employee asks the man "can I help you?". The man replies "no, thanks, we're just looking around".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sjk3s/a_blind_man_and_his_seeing_eye_dog_walk_into_a/
%
A man saw a jar at a store's check-out counter that read "Donate $1 for children".

"That's a good deal!" he thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sjhif/a_man_saw_a_jar_at_a_stores_checkout_counter_that/
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What's the difference between a drug dealer and a homosexual?

One's crack is in a junkie and the other's junk is in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sjcsm/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
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There are some things that are certain in life.

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed  good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "Can I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie
appeared  and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without
hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave
them  to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -
too  expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded
that  he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and
they  went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No
one  has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she
asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really?" she said. "I have family
in  South Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am
your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is: Some things in life are certain ...
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. And being screwed by a lawyer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sjayt/there_are_some_things_that_are_certain_in_life/
%
My wife is like Pokemon

Soon as I throw out my balls she runs off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sj9l2/my_wife_is_like_pokemon/
%
What do you call a cow having a seizure?

A milkshake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sj96a/what_do_you_call_a_cow_having_a_seizure/
%
I heard that for his role in the Baywatch movie Dwayne Johnson dropped down to 238 lbs from 260 lbs so he could look more ripped than 'big'.

I guess that would make him a metamorphic Rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sj6rl/i_heard_that_for_his_role_in_the_baywatch_movie/
%
I asked a music teacher what is sooo hard about playing a violin...

she said it's kinda fiddely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sj4pl/i_asked_a_music_teacher_what_is_sooo_hard_about/
%
Saw a black man run down the street with a flatscreen under his arm

At first i thought it was mine,
but then i remembered that mine was chained in my backyard picking cotton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sj0lo/saw_a_black_man_run_down_the_street_with_a/
%
I like my women like I like my books.

Leather-bound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sj00f/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_books/
%
A man with authority walks into a bar...

Orders everyone a round

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sixri/a_man_with_authority_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I lost half my weight in under a week, and heres how you can too!

By stepping on a landmine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4six77/i_lost_half_my_weight_in_under_a_week_and_heres/
%
Whats the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4siws3/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
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What do you call a dwarf psychic who has escaped jail?

Small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sitp5/what_do_you_call_a_dwarf_psychic_who_has_escaped/
%
What did the waitress say to the man who wouldn't stop staring at her while she refilled his glass?

Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sitbd/what_did_the_waitress_say_to_the_man_who_wouldnt/
%
I got shoes from a drug dealer once...

I don't know what it was laced with but I was tripping all day!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sirft/i_got_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_once/
%
I have two tickets to the 2017 Superbowl, but I'm getting married that day so I can't go.

If you're interested in going in my place, the wedding is at St. Peter's church and her name is Laura.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sipep/i_have_two_tickets_to_the_2017_superbowl_but_im/
%
My company put me up in the cheapest hotel...

I called down to the front desk and said "I've got a leak in my sink."
They said "Go ahead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4siof1/my_company_put_me_up_in_the_cheapest_hotel/
%
Neighbours

A spaced out man decides to visit his neighbor in the apartment below him and share a joint. Whilst high as kites he asks his neighbour: heyyyyy, I love the paint job you did. Since my apartment is identical in size to yours tell me how much paint did you buy to paint this place? The neighbour says: around 90 liters. Coooooool. I'm off to buy some paint then.
Two weeks later he revisits his neighbour for another session of hash. He asks his neighbour: hey, remember you told me you bought 90 liters of paint? Well, I bought 90 liters then painted the house and was left with a shit load of paint. I painted the house three times and still had 70 liters left over. The neighbour, all spaced out replies: no shit dude. That's the exact same amount I was left with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4simda/neighbours/
%
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did-in his sleep

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4silzf/when_i_die_i_want_to_go_peacefully_like_my/
%
A lawyer goes to the bar

and finds that there's something funny about his bottle. He looks inside and cannot believe his eyes. Suddenly a genie pops out.
"aah" says the genie  "that was a really good nap"
So the lawyer asks him if he's the magical sort of genie who gives out wishes. The genie explains that indeed he is but with a catch: whatever the lawyer asks for, every other lawyer in the world gets double of.
The lawyer, being the selfish fellow he is, almost leaves without making any wishes. But finally he decides that he might as well give it a shot. So first the lawyer says that he's always wanted a Ferrari and in not half a second his brand new Ferrari appears in the parking lot and the genie hands him the key. So now every lawyer in the world has two Ferarris.
Then the lawyer thinks about what else he might want but realizes that he has a meeting in just 5 minutes so he asks for ten million dollars. And in not half a second a silver suitcase containing ten million dollars with crisp hundred dollar bills appears before his eyes.
The lawyer still can't get over the fact that every other lawyer now has TWENTY million dollars. So then the genie says, what is your third wish?
So the lawyer thinks for a while and he finally says
You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4silej/a_lawyer_goes_to_the_bar/
%
So I was driving down the street when I saw a couple guys trying to take an old lady's purse. I ran her over to help

We got it off her eventually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sijl8/so_i_was_driving_down_the_street_when_i_saw_a/
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What's a Jewish person's least favourite subreddit?

r/showerthoughts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sijfe/whats_a_jewish_persons_least_favourite_subreddit/
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What do you call Usain bolt when he's running from a lion?

Fast food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sii5v/what_do_you_call_usain_bolt_when_hes_running_from/
%
What do balloons and virgins have in common?

One prick and its gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sid6h/what_do_balloons_and_virgins_have_in_common/
%
What happened to the boy who ran into a window

He was in serious PANE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4si71i/what_happened_to_the_boy_who_ran_into_a_window/
%
You're Like The End Of The Bread...

Everybody touches you, but nobody wants you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4si6tn/youre_like_the_end_of_the_bread/
%
You know you're wrong...

when YouTube commenters start agreeing with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4si5m1/you_know_youre_wrong/
%
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

The Pokémon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4si5ac/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_proctologist/
%
Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4shupz/oxygen_tried_to_pick_a_fight_with_helium/
%
A wife is looking for a present for her husband... [nsfw]

A wife is looking for a present for her husband and stumbles upon a frog who can perform blow jobs..
"Perfect!" she says and purchases the frog..
She gives the gift to her husband and later retires to bed. Later awoken by loud banging in the kitchen she jumps out of bed and finds her husband digging around in the cabinets..
"What are you doing??" she asks
Her husband replies...
"If I can teach this thing to cook you're fucking outta here!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4shtfm/a_wife_is_looking_for_a_present_for_her_husband/
%
What's the difference between a joke and 3 cocks?

You can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4shspj/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_3_cocks/
%
what do you call a sad tree?

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4shmmn/what_do_you_call_a_sad_tree/
%
Did you hear about the cow that tried to hurdle a barbed wire fence?

It was an udder disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4shje5/did_you_hear_about_the_cow_that_tried_to_hurdle_a/
%
My son said he was touched by the priest at todays religious service

I was there too, it was a beautiful ceremony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4shicn/my_son_said_he_was_touched_by_the_priest_at/
%
What do you call your friend from Prague who beat you at chess?

Your Czech mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4shhas/what_do_you_call_your_friend_from_prague_who_beat/
%
Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says...

"With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. Joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy."
Hillary says "I'll believe that when I see it."
And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, and slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4shg9a/hillary_is_talking_to_the_pope_and_he_says/
%
There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,

so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
They're great for separating independent Clauses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sheup/there_are_no_divorce_courts_at_the_north_pole/
%
What's the best campsite in the world?

Auschwitz, received well over three million starts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sh5v5/whats_the_best_campsite_in_the_world/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a vagina?

A vagina is still good after a couple of nails

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sh33p/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_vagina/
%
Cheese & Milk

Just as I was getting home last night a guy hit me with a block of cheese.
I thought that wasn't very mature.
He then ran over and pour milk all over my head.
I thought HOW DAIRY!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sgx9n/cheese_milk/
%
LPT: When weightlifting, always have a friend videotape it.

Because the camera always adds 10 pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sgw68/lpt_when_weightlifting_always_have_a_friend/
%
My favourite jokes are one liners about launderettes

What can I say, I love dry clean humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sgtj8/my_favourite_jokes_are_one_liners_about/
%
I got Indian food with a friend and paid for all the bread

It was a nan issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sgom0/i_got_indian_food_with_a_friend_and_paid_for_all/
%
I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokèStops...

a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sgnkd/im_not_sure_churches_are_the_best_places_for/
%
Coffee is the silent victim in our house...

It gets mugged every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sgmha/coffee_is_the_silent_victim_in_our_house/
%
Why do artists die early in life?

Too many strokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sgl2l/why_do_artists_die_early_in_life/
%
Little Billy at it again (NSFW)

Little Billy wakes up early on Saturday morning to go play with his new dog... After looking for a while he finds the dog flat on his back, legs in the air!
Confused he runs and gets his father. His father realising that the dog has passed on thinks for a while on how he is going to break it to Little Billy.
Finally the dad says "Son, unfortunately the dog has passed away and it is laying on it's back with it's legs in the air so that GOD can reach him easier and take him to the Kingdom"
With that, Little Billy starts breaking down hard... After a while of sobbing Little Billy says to his father that if that is the case, then we nearly lost mummy yesterday...
The father confused, asks Little Billy what he means by that.
Little Billy then proceeds to explain how yesterday school was a half day and when he came home from school early he went looking for mummy. He found her in the bedroom, laying flat on her back with her legs in the air yelling "GOD! I'M COMING, I'M COMING..." - If it wasn't for the Postman being on top of her, we would have lost her for sure...
:o :0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sggd8/little_billy_at_it_again_nsfw/
%
Which part of your body shuts down last when you die?

The eyes, cause they di-late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sgbl4/which_part_of_your_body_shuts_down_last_when_you/
%
When I was 9, I was touched by an Angel.

Angel Martinez, currently serving 16 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sga7l/when_i_was_9_i_was_touched_by_an_angel/
%
Did you know?

Accordion to a recent study, 90% of the world don't realise when a word has been swapped with an instrument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sg3bn/did_you_know/
%
Where did Noah keep the Bees?

In the Ark-Hives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sg1ey/where_did_noah_keep_the_bees/
%
You're not fat. You're just...

easier to see!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfzl5/youre_not_fat_youre_just/
%
What kind of superhero would Caitlyn Jenner be?

An Ex-Man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfw22/what_kind_of_superhero_would_caitlyn_jenner_be/
%
Michael Jackson is the epitome of the American Dream

Only in America could a poor, black boy become a rich, white woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sftfr/michael_jackson_is_the_epitome_of_the_american/
%
Why did Vader (Anakin) finally rebelled against the Emperor?

In Episode 3, he helped carry out Order 66 to kill all Jedi.
In Episode 4, he helped carry out Order 67 to destroy Alderaan.
In Episode 5, he helped carry out Order 68 to destroy rebel base on Hoth.
In Episode 6.... the Emperor was just too old and nasty for Vader to carry out Order 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfryc/why_did_vader_anakin_finally_rebelled_against_the/
%
Wife's Birthday Gift

John: "It's my wife's birthday."
Peter: "What's your gift to her?"
John: "I asked her what she wanted."
Peter: "What did she say?"
John: "Anything, as long as there is a diamond."
Peter: "What did you give her?"
John: "Playing cards."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfrt6/wifes_birthday_gift/
%
What's the difference between hot blooded manslaughter and cold blooded premeditated murder

A few degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfqau/whats_the_difference_between_hot_blooded/
%
Why did the Hipster burn his lip?

He drank coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfpne/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_lip/
%
I had never woken up to a blowjob before

That is the last time I sleep with my mouth open on the subway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfpa5/i_had_never_woken_up_to_a_blowjob_before/
%
The Mugger

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both urgently pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sflxy/the_mugger/
%
What do you call a seagull that lives by the Bay?

I don't know, but it won't shut up about the app it's developing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfjfn/what_do_you_call_a_seagull_that_lives_by_the_bay/
%
A sailor boarded his new ship....

Sailor: This ship looks boring, is there anything to do around here?
Captain: No, we only do one thing in our free time. We go to the bottom of the ship, oil up a hole in a barrel and fuck it.
Sailor: Well.... Okay when can I go down there?
Captain: Everyday except Sunday!
Sailor: Why can't I on Sunday's?
Captain: Because on Sunday's it's your turn in the barrel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfj7h/a_sailor_boarded_his_new_ship/
%
Why do skateboarders make lousy plumbers?

Because they only use half pipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfhbn/why_do_skateboarders_make_lousy_plumbers/
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Investigating Hillary Clinton is like fishing on Discovery Channel

... you catch them, you show them, and you let them go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfh8k/investigating_hillary_clinton_is_like_fishing_on/
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Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms...

But it still lives longer than my headphones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfg18/known_as_the_oneday_insect_the_mayfly_has_the/
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What did O say to Q?

"Hey! Put that thing back in your pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sffrk/what_did_o_say_to_q/
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I'm too calm to be a Dermatologist.

I refuse to make rash decisions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfd2h/im_too_calm_to_be_a_dermatologist/
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So did you hear about the cannibal that broke into the gay hospital?

At least he's getting his fruits and vegetables now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfczj/so_did_you_hear_about_the_cannibal_that_broke/
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A baby whale asks his father, "Dad, where did I come from?"

The father replies, "Well, I put my semen into your mother's vagina, and then you were born!"
"Thanks, dad."
"You're whalecum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfavx/a_baby_whale_asks_his_father_dad_where_did_i_come/
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[Request][not a joke][urgent] I need puns. Specifically. Cow themed wedding/bride/engagement puns.

I cant help but ask the best of the best. I need your help. Your are the pun kings of the Internet and I know you can do this. I'm COW-nting on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sfa8w/requestnot_a_jokeurgent_i_need_puns_specifically/
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There are two types of people in the world...

Those who can read between the lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sf94v/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...

Doctor: Give your husband viagra.
Lady: I can't, he hates pills.
Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.
Next week she returns, unhappy.
Doctor: Was it good?
Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there.
Doctor: Well, then what's wrong?
Lady: I'll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again.
Posted 1 year ago.  by deathmetal27

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sf5bp/a_lady_goes_to_the_doctor_for_help_with_her_sex/
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So earlier I held the door for an Asian guy...

He said "Sank you" ...so I punched him. I couldn't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sf3cc/so_earlier_i_held_the_door_for_an_asian_guy/
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A man and his nephew

are working in the field one afternoon.
The man was drinking a beer as they worked,
The nephew asks his uncle for a sip of his beer.
The man replies, "does your dick reach your asshole?"
The nephew says, "no, it doesn't."
The man says, "then no, that's the rule, if your dick doesn't reach your asshole, you can't have a sip of beer."
That evening the two were sitting on the front porch of their home as the boy was eating some cookies his mother had made.
The man asks his nephew for one of his cookies,
the nephew asks, "does your dick reach your asshole?"
the man replies, "yes... it does."
"good" the nephews says, "then go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sf3as/a_man_and_his_nephew/
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Did you hear about the salad who went missing?

All they found were its chard romaines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sezkx/did_you_hear_about_the_salad_who_went_missing/
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So I walked by a restaurant in Maine!

It had a sign up " Happy hour special:
Lobster tail and beer!"
I said to myself. Jesus, my three favorite things!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4set6m/so_i_walked_by_a_restaurant_in_maine/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
9/11
9/11 who?
You said you'll never forget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ses4q/knock_knock/
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Did you hear about the fire at the cheese factory?

Nearly a total loss... All that was left was de-brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ser11/did_you_hear_about_the_fire_at_the_cheese_factory/
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Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4seo3x/hey_guys_dont_you_just_hate_it_when_youre_woken/
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Today my wife and I marked our twenty year wedding anniversary.

If I would have killed her I would be out of jail by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4seiwl/today_my_wife_and_i_marked_our_twenty_year/
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A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman

, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to their private room. She began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4segdz/a_woman_asked_a_general_in_the_army_the_last_time/
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When I make Breakfast all I want is a "Thank You",

Not "Who are you and how did you get into my house‽"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4seg31/when_i_make_breakfast_all_i_want_is_a_thank_you/
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How many Anime characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only 1, but it takes them 15 episodes to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4seejh/how_many_anime_characters_does_it_take_to_screw/
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What does Zeus wear under his tunic?

Thunderwear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4seecq/what_does_zeus_wear_under_his_tunic/
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Why couldn't hitler go to the barbecue

He burnt the franks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4see2f/why_couldnt_hitler_go_to_the_barbecue/
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The inventor of distorted mirrors has passed away.

His funeral will be held in asymmetry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4seass/the_inventor_of_distorted_mirrors_has_passed_away/
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I remember the first time I had sex...

I still have the receipt
:')

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4se90e/i_remember_the_first_time_i_had_sex/
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Bus driver

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"
"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.
Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I know how you can screw her: On Sundays, she prays at the local cemetery. While she is praying, dress as God and she'll have sex with you. Put on a mask, robes, and a lot of glitter."
That Sunday, the man takes the advice, gets into the costume and hides behind a gravestone. Shortly, the nun appears and prays.
The man pops out from the gravestone and declares, "I am God, and I command you to have sex with me."
The nun replies, "Sure, but only if we have anal sex."
So they have anal sex.
After sex the man rips off his mask and laughs, I'm not God! I'm that man from the bus! Ha!"
Immediately the nun rips off her mask and says "Ha! I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4se75x/bus_driver/
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The bus driver

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.
No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was.
Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer.
He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4se4o0/the_bus_driver/
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A tourist backpacking through rural Ireland enters a bar, and inside there's only a bar tender and an old man nursing a beer. They sit in silence until the old man looks over to the tourist and says, "You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands."

The old man continues, "I found the finest wood in the county, gave it more love than my own child, but do they call me O'Connor the bar-builder? No!"
He points out the window, "You see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands; found every stone, placed them just so, through the rain and the cold. But do they call me O'Connor the stone wall builder? No!"
The old man points out the other window, "You see that pier on the lake out there? I built that pier with my own bare hands, drove the pilings against the tide of the sand, plank-by-plank. But do they call me O'Connor the pier builder? No!"
The old man looked down, took a swig from his pint,
and turned back to the tourist.
...
"But you fuck one sheep.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4se4g2/a_tourist_backpacking_through_rural_ireland/
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What does Barack Obama say when his workweek is done?

Yes weekend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4se2yi/what_does_barack_obama_say_when_his_workweek_is/
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TIFU by eating my roommates lunch

Oops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4se0oo/tifu_by_eating_my_roommates_lunch/
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A blonde walks into a shop...

... and over to a shelf. She points, and asks the shopkeeper, "Can I buy this TV?"
The shopkeeper replies "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
The blonde huffs and makes her way to the hairdresser's, where she gets her hair dyed brown. She returns to the shop and repeats her question. Again, the shopkeeper informs her "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
The blonde returns to the hairdressers, dyes her hair red, buys a new hat and sunglasses, and changes her clothes. She returns to the shop.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Exasperated, she exclaims "How did you know I was blonde?!"
"That's a microwave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdxz7/a_blonde_walks_into_a_shop/
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A man walks into a bar with a gun..

A guy walked into a local bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, “I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”
A voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdxxd/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_gun/
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The Depressed Student

Sally noticed that one of her students had been suffering from depression for the last few weeks. She decided to ask him some easy questions in an effort to engage him. “Johnny, if I subtract 4 from 12 what do I get?"
Johnny looked at her and sighed, "I don't know. What difference does it make?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdxsx/the_depressed_student/
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An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim

I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdw98/an_old_lady_next_to_me_on_the_airplane_was_scared/
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A man goes to a restaurant...

He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettucini alfredo?"
The waiter says "A penny."
The man exclaims, "A penny?? How much for a steak?"
The waiter says, "A nickel"
The man is astonished, "Are you serious?? Where's the man that owns this place? I'd like to shake his hand!"
The waiter answers, "He's upstairs with my wife."
Confused, the man asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The waiter smiles and says, "The same thing I'm doing down here to his business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdt8b/a_man_goes_to_a_restaurant/
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Everyone on the planet is chasing imaginary monsters with their phone

But when I do it I need to "grow up" and "quit looking for Bigfoot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdpjm/everyone_on_the_planet_is_chasing_imaginary/
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A UK businessman returns from Japan...

after spending a few weeks out there trying to gain some new clients and drum up new business.
During his trip he had some serious down time and got busy with a few of the local girls. One in particular seemed extremely satisfied during their encounter. She didn't speak a word of English but screamed "Nakahi" in utter delight throughout.
Returning after a successful trip, he arranges lunch with one of the UK's top businessmen who has a lot of potential Japanese connections. He wants to impress. After lunch they play a round of golf. At the third hole this magnate chips in a beauty off the fairway to make birdie.
Clapping his hands our businessman looks to seal the deal and bellows "Nakahi, nakahi!!"
Looking slightly confused the magnate replies, "what on earth do you mean; wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdow8/a_uk_businessman_returns_from_japan/
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I tried to make my racing snail faster by taking off its shell

But that just made it more sluggish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdm6w/i_tried_to_make_my_racing_snail_faster_by_taking/
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Google+ is like the gym of social networking.

We all join it, but nobody uses it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdkpx/google_is_like_the_gym_of_social_networking/
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I met my ex-wife at the gym.

We didn't workout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdk63/i_met_my_exwife_at_the_gym/
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What do people and trees have in common?

They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdipy/what_do_people_and_trees_have_in_common/
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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store

to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdh0b/a_mexican_man_who_spoke_no_english_went_into_a/
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My Muslim wife left me the other day....

I guess she didn't know what Jihad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdeze/my_muslim_wife_left_me_the_other_day/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sder1/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair..........

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdecm/a_young_blonde_woman_is_distraught_because_she/
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An Englishman, Scottishman, Irishman, Welshman, Frenchman, Russian, Spaniard, Mexican, American, Norweigan, Swede, Albanian, Italian, Indian, Moroccan, Dutchman, Brazilian, Kenyan, Australian and Belgian walk into a bar.

The barman says; "You can't come in here without a Thai."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdcxw/an_englishman_scottishman_irishman_welshman/
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0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sdbdq/0_to_200_in_6_seconds/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sd3yq/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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I like my women like the World Trade Centers

Tall, hot, and going down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4scubk/i_like_my_women_like_the_world_trade_centers/
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If you cool your body down to -273,16 degrees celsius..

..you'd be 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4scttj/if_you_cool_your_body_down_to_27316_degrees/
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A white man tells a black man

Why do people call you color man ?? To what the black man answers " I don't know
When I was born; I was black.
When I started to grow, I was black.
When I go to the beach I'm black.
When I have a cold I'm still black.
When I have panic I'm black.
When I'm sick I'm black.
even when I die I continued to be black.
Instead you my friend
When you're born you're pink.
When you start to grow you are white.
When you go to the beach you look red.
When you're cold you look blue.
When you have panic you look yellow.
When you're sick you look green.
When you die you turn gray ....
And they still dare to call me a color man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4scrvr/a_white_man_tells_a_black_man/
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Pull the pin out of a grenade...

and you can keep it for the rest of your life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4scpox/pull_the_pin_out_of_a_grenade/
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Is your refrigerator running?

Because I'd vote for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4scp0i/is_your_refrigerator_running/
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A guy's wife goes on vacation

, and he's staying at home for a week.
The first day, a kid knocks on the door and says "I'm looking for my dad"
The man had a lot of sexual partners in his past, and he freaks out,
thinking this kid might be his, and that his wife will find out, so he slams the door shut.
The next day it happens again, but a different kid, saying he's looking for his father.
He freaks out again and slams the door, wondering what the hell is going on.
It happens every day, and on Friday, the man doesn't slam the door,
but instead yells at the kid, "I am not your father!!"
The kid looks confused and says,
"I know you're not my father! But I'm looking for my father and he comes here every Friday afternoon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4scknn/a_guys_wife_goes_on_vacation/
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What is an adulterers favorite snack?

Cheetos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4scig3/what_is_an_adulterers_favorite_snack/
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[Dark Humor]Why is suicide illegal?

Destruction of government property.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4scf63/dark_humorwhy_is_suicide_illegal/
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How is credit like cocaine?

Everyone just needs 1 more line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4scc71/how_is_credit_like_cocaine/
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Does your wife have dry lips?

Because I saw her putting some chap's dick on her lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4scb19/does_your_wife_have_dry_lips/
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A Jewish man is walking down the street...

And he sees a Chinese man in front of him. He then runs up behind the Chinese man and kicks him hard in the back of the leg. The Chinese man falls to the floor and yells, "What was that for?"
"That was for Pearl Harbour!" The Jewish man replies.
"But that was the Japanese, I'm from China!" Answers the Chinese man.
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, whatever! You're all the fucking same!" The Jewish man says, and walks off.
A couple of months later the Chinese man sees the same Jewish man walking ahead of him in the street. He runs up behind the Jewish man and punches him in the back of the head. The Jew falls on the floor and cries out, "What was that for?"
"That was for the Titanic!" The Chinese man says, sniggering.
"But that was an iceberg!" The Jew replies.
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Spielberg, whatever! You're all the fucking same!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sc159/a_jewish_man_is_walking_down_the_street/
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If you have a dollar..

you're a billionthaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbzyf/if_you_have_a_dollar/
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With so many Americans upset with the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election, we should look on the bright side ...

... and please let me know what it is when you've found it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbyxz/with_so_many_americans_upset_with_the_candidates/
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Where did Sally go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbwq8/where_did_sally_go_during_the_bombing/
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What does an omnipotent God do with his penis?

Fuck all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbw4v/what_does_an_omnipotent_god_do_with_his_penis/
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My wife just got breast implants made out of oak

I don't think I could do that, I think it'd hurt, wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbvmc/my_wife_just_got_breast_implants_made_out_of_oak/
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The Longest Joke Ever!

My life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbvln/the_longest_joke_ever/
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A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on...

He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbujg/a_guy_in_a_public_place_phone_out_camera_on/
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Doctor tells his patient he has good news and bad news.

The patient says, "hit me with the bad news first, doc."
Doctor says, "Well, you have an inoperable brain tumor. I'm sorry."
The patient, now blubbering, asks "What possible good news could you have after something like this?"
At the question, a grin spreads across the doctor's face as he says "I'm fucking my secretary, and she's *gorgeous.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbqos/doctor_tells_his_patient_he_has_good_news_and_bad/
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Words can't describe how beautiful you are...

But numbers can, 4/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbq4t/words_cant_describe_how_beautiful_you_are/
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Why did the spreadsheets get divorced?

They just couldn't sort things out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbmdk/why_did_the_spreadsheets_get_divorced/
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The German Child

An English couple adopt a child. After the adoption, the adoption agency officials reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop normally. It can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason the German child never speaks. The concerned parents take it to the doctor, who reassures them that as the German child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom. Years pass. The German child enters its teens, and still it is not speaking, though in all other respects it is fully functional. The German child's mother is especially distressed by this, but attempts to conceal her sadness. One day she makes the German child, who is now 17 years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup, and takes it through to him in the parlour where he is listening to a wind-up gramophone record player. Soon, the German child appears in the kitchen and suddenly declares, "Mother. This soup is a little tepid." The German child's mother is astonished. "All these years," she exclaims, "we assumed you could not speak. And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?" "Because, mother," answers the German child, "up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sblnj/the_german_child/
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At the hospital... NSFW

At the hospital, I overheard two doctors discussing a patient that came in with six plastic horses stuck in his rectum.
They described the patient's condition as stable...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbgcb/at_the_hospital_nsfw/
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I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That’s 7 years in a row now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbfec/i_cant_believe_i_forgot_to_go_to_the_gym_today/
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What do you call an attractive black mom?

Chocolate Milf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbeba/what_do_you_call_an_attractive_black_mom/
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A guy walks in a library:

- Do you have motivational books here?
- Yes darling, right there, 3rd row, the second shelf.
- Do you have any books closer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbdi5/a_guy_walks_in_a_library/
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Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets

They do so within groups of 40.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbdhl/scientists_have_now_discovered_how_women_keep/
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years...

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sbdec/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_twenty_years/
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A man was visiting his wife in hospital

where she has been in a coma for several weeks. Having tried many things to bring his wife back and failed, the doctor asked him to try something that they used to do very often.
So he goes to her room and holds her breasts. On doing this she lets out a small moan. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her breasts to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her breasts and this brings a more audible moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside.
The man goes in then comes out, sadly, about five minutes later and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies
"She choked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sb6qa/a_man_was_visiting_his_wife_in_hospital/
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A British tourist visits a brothel in Germany

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Geoffrey's. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Geoffrey and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
He leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Pounds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sb55t/a_british_tourist_visits_a_brothel_in_germany/
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Just another Genie

A biker going through is third divorce comes across a very unusual bottle. As he is cleaning it a genie appears. The genie says to the biker, I will grant you one wish.
The biker looks at the genie and calls him out on the fact that genies are supposed to grant three wishes. This genie explains to the biker that he is only a junior genie and he will only be able to perform on wish.
After careful thought the biker says, OK, I got it. I would like for you to build me a bridge from California to Hawaii, so I can ride my bike from here to there.
The junior genie thinks about it for a while and asks the biker to give him another wish because this one was way to hard.
After much thought the biker says, I would like for you to figure out women. Come back and let me know what you find out. So I can have a relationship that will last.
The junior genie thinks about this wish, and says to the biker, would you like that bridge to be two or four lanes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sb4mx/just_another_genie/
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Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sb2xc/never_date_a_tennis_player/
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.

After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, “Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn’t it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sazkt/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_were_sitting_in_adjacent/
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Like this!

How do you fuck up a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4saynb/like_this/
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My wife and I were talking about obscure animals.

She said, "I want to get a manatee."
"That's very generous," I replied, "I take it with two sugars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sav4e/my_wife_and_i_were_talking_about_obscure_animals/
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What's the best part about being an orphan?

All your chips and candy bars are family sized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sargs/whats_the_best_part_about_being_an_orphan/
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Why do walruses just love a Tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sajjx/why_do_walruses_just_love_a_tupperware_party/
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I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise...

... until I realised, we are all in the same boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4saii9/i_was_nervous_about_meeting_new_people_on_a_cruise/
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If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain...

...can a hooker get laid off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4safe0/if_a_firefighters_business_can_go_up_in_smoke_and/
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Why did Sally cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sabs9/why_did_sally_cross_the_road/
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Baseball in Heaven

Two kids, Adam and John, absolutely love playing baseball. They play every day of their lives until years down the road Adam and John are now two old men who sit in the park feeding the birds and watching kids play baseball. One week later John passes away. Adam is sitting at the park alone when he hears Johns voice.
John -- Psst, Adam, its John.
Adam -- John buddy I miss ya! Hows heaven?
John -- Its great! But there is good news and bad news. What do you want to hear first?
Adam -- The good news.
John -- There's baseball in heaven!
Adam -- That's great! What's the bad news?
John -- You're pitching next Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4saayk/baseball_in_heaven/
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees

that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sa6wu/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class_and_she_sees/
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Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s9z2d/teacher_whoever_answers_my_next_question_can_go/
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Four women are at a restaurant

, one gets up to use the restroom.
While she's gone, the other three decide to talk about their sons.
The first one says, "My son is a doctor. He graduated top of his class and bought his best friend his own private plane."
The second one says, "My son is a scientist on the verge of a cure for cancer. He has so much money he bought his best friend a private island."
The third one said, "My son is a world renowned architect. He's designed many of the greatest building achievements today. He has more money than he knows what to do with so he bought his best friend a mansion in Switzerland."
About this time the fourth woman comes back and asks what they were talking about. They all reply they were talking about their sons, and wanted to know about hers.
She replies, "My son is gay."
In shock they all apologize and say "that must be awful!"
The fourth woman replies, "It's not that bad, one of his lovers bought him a private jet. Another one of his lovers bought him a private island, and his other lover bought him a Swiss mansion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s9td0/four_women_are_at_a_restaurant/
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How does the butcher introduce his wife?

Meat Patty.
(This was told to me by an old man I cut off with my grocery cart at the grocery store).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s9nq6/how_does_the_butcher_introduce_his_wife/
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Onions

My friend told me that onions are the only edible plant that can make you cry.
I bludgeoned his head with a watermelon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s9m55/onions/
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What do crocs and getting a blowjob from a man have in common?

They both feel great until you look down and realise you are gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s9i71/what_do_crocs_and_getting_a_blowjob_from_a_man/
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A man was driving into town and found the road blocked by the local police department . . .

. . . he stepped out of the car and asked the nearest police officer what was going on.
The officer replied, "There has been a fatal accident on this road."
This was a small town, so the officer, figuring the man might know the deceased, asked if he would be willing to help identify the body as there was no ID to be found.
The man agreed, and the officer warned him "This will be hard to look at--the driver was decapitated in the crash."  He proceeded to lead the man over to the wreckage.
The officer picked up the driver's head and held it up so the man could see the face.
The man said, "Yeah, that's my neighbor, Jim, but he's a bit taller than I remember."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s9h8d/a_man_was_driving_into_town_and_found_the_road/
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An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

...the first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The bartender stops them and pours two full beers.
The infinite hoard is outraged and demands more, to which the bartender responds "C'mon, guys. Know your limits".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s9fsp/an_infinite_number_of_people_walk_into_a_bar/
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Violets are blue, roses are red

Violets are blue,
roses are red.
We're doing it backwards,
That's what she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s9btf/violets_are_blue_roses_are_red/
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What's the difference between dreams and memes?

I haven't given up on my memes yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s99zt/whats_the_difference_between_dreams_and_memes/
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Getting caught dating someone underage isn't a big problem.

It's a minor problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s981c/getting_caught_dating_someone_underage_isnt_a_big/
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Jake was on his deathbed

His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."
He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s97vo/jake_was_on_his_deathbed/
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A man wins a safari trip...

Having never done anything like this before in his life, he goes to visit a big-game hunter for some pointers.
"Oh, nothing to it, old boy," the grizzled hunter chuckled. He removed a double-barreled elephant gun from its stand and handed it to the man. "If a lion charges, just plant your feet, take a deep breath, aim, and fire."
"But what if I miss?"
"That's what the second barrel is for."
"And if i miss with *that*?"
"Well, in that case, reach around behind you, grab a big handful of shit, and throw it in the lion's eyes."
"A handful of shit? Where will I get *shit* from?"
"If you miss with both barrels, trust me - it'll be there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s94gz/a_man_wins_a_safari_trip/
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What did Victoria say to Vancouver?

I'll BC-ing you later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s931g/what_did_victoria_say_to_vancouver/
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What's an argument in the Middle East but a compliment in the U.S.A?

"You da bomb"
"No, you da bomb!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s91cf/whats_an_argument_in_the_middle_east_but_a/
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What Does A Chinese Man Need When Taking his Dog Out?

Oven mitts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s90bl/what_does_a_chinese_man_need_when_taking_his_dog/
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How do you defeat your enemies?

Chop off their feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s8yfg/how_do_you_defeat_your_enemies/
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I started taking Viagra for my sunburn

It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheet off my legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s8v2p/i_started_taking_viagra_for_my_sunburn/
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The Guru (potentially NSFW depending on words used)

Bill and Jeff are sitting at the local - Bill is complaining to Jeff that his elbow his hurting him and that he will have to go to the doctor and pay the high medical bills/etc that will come with it...
Jeff tells Bill to forget that, he should visit 10th and 3rd and see The Guru! Basically you piss in a cup, The Guru sips the pee and will tell you what is wrong with you and what you need to do to fix/help yourself for only $20
Intrigued Bill decides to give this a try, so he goes to 10th and 3rd and visits The Guru. Bill pees in a cup, gives it to The Guru who proceeds to sip it. After a few The Guru informs Bill that he has tennis elbow... Soak the Elbow in hot water with assorted salts/minerals every night for 1 week and to lay off any activities that would further aggravate it, will fix it.
Bill is impressed but not convinced so he ends up going to the doctor, who informs him the very exact thing that The Guru informed him.
Bill is ecstatic over The Guru and rants and raves about The Guru to everyone. Bill comes up with an idea though to try and stump The Guru. After dinner one night, Bill gets his wife to urinate into a cup, along with his daughter and his dog. Bill also masturbates into the cup for good measure.
The following morning, Bill again goes to 10th and 3rd and hands The Guru the cup with the mixtures... The Guru sips from the cup and begins to somewhat spasm. Bill is just about to scream out "HAHA I got you" in joy when The Guru begins...
"Your wife is pregnant with twins, but they aren't yours - get a Lawyer...
Your daughter has HIV and from the return, seems addicted to Crack - Take her to rehab...
Your dog has a severe case of worms - take him to the vet
And how do you expect your tennis elbow to heal, if you are masturbating!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s8ujy/the_guru_potentially_nsfw_depending_on_words_used/
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A Woman was touring Spain

A woman was touring Spain, and she wanted to eat a unique exotic dish typical for Spain. A waiter says "Madam, we have balls of a bull killed in a bullfight." She orders them, and she gets this plate with gigantic balls, and eats them up. She loved them so much, that next day she came in and ordered the same dish again. And she does same thing the next day, and the day after that. On the 5th day, she orders same thing, and they bring her the plate and the balls look small. She asks "What's the matter, all previous times the balls were gigantic". And the waiter says "Sometimes the bull wins".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s8nl5/a_woman_was_touring_spain/
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Werner Heisenberg was pulled over for speeding...

The cop asked "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"Not a clue," Heisenberg replied.  "But I know exactly where I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s8ni7/werner_heisenberg_was_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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When playing the guitar in public...

keep in mind not to finger A minor, you could get arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s8kg3/when_playing_the_guitar_in_public/
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What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?

One talks with his hands and makes goofy noises, and the other one can't hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s8cbc/whats_the_difference_between_a_deaf_person_and_an/
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My friend started making bird puns towards me.

Toucan play at that game!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s8a2i/my_friend_started_making_bird_puns_towards_me/
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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot arrive at the pearly gates...

...St. Peter says to them" Sorry, heaven is quite full, so we can only let one of you in."
Suddenly "Poof!" Lucifer appears.
Lucifer tells them "You may each ask me one question. If you are able to ask me a question that I cannot answer, you will be allowed into heaven; if not you will be sent to HELL."
With that, the mathematician steps forward and asks Lucifer "What is the most complex mathematical theory ever formulated?!"
Lucifer replies "Easy!" and with the snap of his fingers a stack of papers appears.
The mathematician goes through the papers and eventually exclaims "Yes, this is the most complex mathematical theory ever formulated."
Lucifer responds "HAHAHA! Now, go to HELL!!" and the mathematician vanishes.
Next the philosopher approaches. He states "What is a summary of all of Socrates' teachings!?"
"Easy!" Cries Lucifer, and he snaps his fingers again, making another stack of papers appear.
The philosopher carefully reads through the pages. Eventually, in defeat, he exclaims "Yes, this must be every single teaching of Socrates."
Lucifer's evil laugh continues, "AAHAHAHAAA! Now, go to HELL!" the philosopher is banished to hell.
Lastly, the idiot steps forward.
"Bring me a chair!" the idiot tells Lucifer. So the devil brings forth a wooden chair. "Drill 6 holes in the seat!" the idiot demands.
So the devil does just that.
Just then, the idiot sits down on the chair and farts very loudly. He then stands up and yells his question at Lucifer "Now, which hole did my fart come out of!!?"
The devil takes the chair, inspecting it closely. He replies "HAHAHA! The third hole from the left, you are mine!!!"
"Wrong!" replies the idiot "It was my asshole!!"
And with that St. Peter opens the gates, and the idiot goes to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s89ma/a_mathematician_a_philosopher_and_an_idiot_arrive/
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Give a man a plane ticket...

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s83lx/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket/
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Three Engineers are Discussing God

So, three engineers are sitting around a table at lunch, discussing God.
The first engineer says, "I think God must be a mechanical engineer." and proceeds to explain in depth how only a mechanical engineer could've built the muscle and skeletal system to work so beautifully together.
The second engineer says "No, my guess is that he's an electrical engineer" and proceeds to describe how only an Electrical engineer could run an entire body off of such a small amount of power for such a complex system.
The third engineer says "Nope, he must be a civil engineer!", prompting stunned silence from the other two.
"A Civil Engineer?!" Says one after a long pause, "What makes you say THAT?".
The third engineer thinks for a minute and explains "well, only a civil engineer would run a waste pipe through a recreational area!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7y18/three_engineers_are_discussing_god/
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What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7tnn/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_he_dumps_his/
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What do you call a nazi gardeners foot pain?

A facist planter's Plantar Fasciitis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7sz6/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_gardeners_foot_pain/
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What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation mark?

The period: it marks the end of his sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7svk/what_is_a_prisoners_favorite_punctuation_mark/
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Sharing...

An elderly couple stands at the counter at the local burger joint. The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like.
“Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.'”
The clerk hits a key on the register and tells the couple that the cost of the meal is $4.98.
The old man reaches into his pockets and pulls out a handful of coins. Slowly and carefully, without a penny to spare, he counts out the exact amount and hands it to the cashier.
A young man standing behind the couple watches this. As the clerk assembles the couple’s order, he leans forward and says, “I’d be honored to buy you another burger and fries.”
The old man turns to the young man and says, “Thank you, but my wife and I share everything.”
The old man carries the tray of food to a table and they sit. Carefully, he cuts the burger in half, divides the fries into two equal portions, and passes half of the food to the woman. He sets the decaf in the center of the table so they can both reach it. Then he begins to eat.
A few minutes later, the young man sits down at the table next to them. As he gobbles down his food, he notices that, while the elderly man eats, the woman is quietly sipping decaf. When he looks at her food, he sees that she hasn’t eaten a single bite. Again, he leans toward the couple and says, “I really would be honored to buy you another meal.'”
The old man says, “No, thank you. We share everything,” and calmly resumes eating.
“I just hate to see you go hungry,” the young man laments to the woman.
“Oh, I’m not going hungry,” the old woman says. “I’m waiting for the teeth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7sut/sharing/
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What do you get when you have sex with an STD infested mentally challenged person?

The slow clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7rpd/what_do_you_get_when_you_have_sex_with_an_std/
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What do you call an Englishmam in the Euro championship final

A referee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7pl7/what_do_you_call_an_englishmam_in_the_euro/
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Testing

I'm testing how long jokes need to be to be tagged "long."
People say that it has more to do with paragraphs than words or anything, but someone just told me that it is posts over 450 characters.
You can downvote if you want, but I can't think of a better way to test this.
I've tried 449 and 450, so I will do 451 now, and if that person was correct, this should be tagged long. We will see...
Only 397, but characters add up pretty quickly...451

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7nbp/testing/
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A Jewish boy needs $20

So he asks his father.
Son: Papa, could I have twenty bucks please?
Father: Ten bucks!? Whaddya need five bucks for!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7kx6/a_jewish_boy_needs_20/
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What's the difference between love and lust?

"About two-hundred dollars." - Johnny Carson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7kq7/whats_the_difference_between_love_and_lust/
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What's got 90 balls and screws old women?

BINGO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7il6/whats_got_90_balls_and_screws_old_women/
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A Blond walks into a library

A blond walks into a library and says "can I get some cheeseburgers?"
The librarian says "this is a library"
So the blond apologizes and whispers "can I get some cheese burgers?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7idy/a_blond_walks_into_a_library/
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What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7few/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
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Things Michael J. Fox would be good at

Grating Parmesan cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7fa5/things_michael_j_fox_would_be_good_at/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a Redhead are all in a bar

The bartender goes up to them and says "Hey ladies, I can grant you a wish if you can tell me one true statement."
"However if you lie to me, you will disappear.
Skeptical, the redhead goes up first and says
"Okay, then I think I am the prettiest one in this room."
The bartender says
"True, what's your wish?"
The redhead wishes for a diamond necklace and receives it and leaves the bar happy. Surprised, the brunette goes next eagerly and says
"Okay, I think I am the smartest one in this bar."
She then wishes for a brand new car and receives it and runs out of the bar happily.
The blonde eagerly says to the bartender
"Okay, I think..."
And she disappears into thin air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7ecu/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all_in_a_bar/
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Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7cuf/jesus_is_watching_you/
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Hilary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office.

Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7cs2/hilary_clinton_could_be_the_first_f_president/
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What do you call Mike Tyson on drugs?

Methed Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7b2g/what_do_you_call_mike_tyson_on_drugs/
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When I was in kindergarten...

I met a really beautiful girl. We really liked each other. We were constantly kissing and holding hands, even showed our private parts, until one day the teacher came and caught us, needless to say, I got fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s78hm/when_i_was_in_kindergarten/
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I figured out how to make my penis 8 inches

Fold it in half

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s75k5/i_figured_out_how_to_make_my_penis_8_inches/
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My friend came up to me

He said, "Can you ever remember a time where you removed a wig?"
I said, "Not off the top of my head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s74um/my_friend_came_up_to_me/
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How Adam blew it..

Adam and God was having a man-chat and at one point God ask Adam if he would be interested in hooking up with a creation called.. a Woman!..
Adam ask what this is and God explains:
A woman is kind a like you but with bigger breasts, three holes in stead of two, she will clean your mess, will cook for you.. aaaand do the dishes, she will answer to all your biddings, only speak when spoken to, do whatever you tell her no questions asked and satisfy you sexually whenever, wherever and however you wish!
Adam looks baffled - Oh my God(?!) how much does this Woman cost??
God answers, a creation like this is not cheap, she costs 2 arms and a leg. Adam looks painfully at his lims for while and then ask God - How much can I get for a rib?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s74uf/how_adam_blew_it/
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The best way I found to stop biting my nails was..

To stop buying toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s7487/the_best_way_i_found_to_stop_biting_my_nails_was/
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(Long & Dirty) A pilot, co-pilot and a stewardess survive a plane crash

So there is this plane crash above the Atlantic ocean and only the pilot, co-pilot and a stewardess survive. They manage to make it to an island and set up some little camp. After the first week, they realize that surviving is not enough. The pilot asks the stewardess: " Listen, I really need some sexual action, it´s been too long and i´ll go crazy." So the stewardess replies: "if you´re okay with it, and he´s okay with it, we can rotate every day. One day you, one day him." After the co-pilot agrees, the stewardess proceeds to oblige and starts with the pilot. This goes on for a little over a year, until the stewardess sadly catches some unknown jungle disease and dies. The pilot and co-pilot, both heartbroken, look at each other and say:" What should we do now?" The pilot reluctantly says: "I guess there´s no other option: one day you, one day me...." And this goes on for another month. At the end of the month, the co-pilot says:" Listen, I´ve had enough, I can´t go on like this." The pilot agrees and asks what they should do next. The co-pilot tells him: " I think we should burry her now.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s6z32/long_dirty_a_pilot_copilot_and_a_stewardess/
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How many Mormons do you take fishing with you?

Two.
If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s6uj4/how_many_mormons_do_you_take_fishing_with_you/
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Why did the house go to the doctor?

He was having window pains
I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s6rwz/why_did_the_house_go_to_the_doctor/
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If attacked by a pack of clowns....

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s6r9k/if_attacked_by_a_pack_of_clowns/
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There was an accident involving 2 cars in mexico

17 people were injured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s6nft/there_was_an_accident_involving_2_cars_in_mexico/
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Isis have just started making explosive prayer mats

In their first quarterly report they said that prophets were going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s6mzq/isis_have_just_started_making_explosive_prayer/
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How is the situation husband with his pregnant wife

Husband wanted to call the hospital
to ask about his pregnant wife,
but accidently called the cricket stadium.
He asks, "How's the situation?"
He was shocked & nearly died on hearing the reply.
They said, "It's fine. 3 are out,
hope to get another 7 out by lunch,
last one was a duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s6lw5/how_is_the_situation_husband_with_his_pregnant/
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Shame about the Tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie.

He should've watched the trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s6igx/shame_about_the_tesla_driver_that_crashed_while/
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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine, he gets better with age.....

The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s6fko/i_told_my_wife_that_a_husband_is_like_a_fine_wine/
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Ever have sex while camping?

It's fucking in tents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s6dw5/ever_have_sex_while_camping/
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Why did the concrete fail at its job?

It couldn't take the shear stress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s65zb/why_did_the_concrete_fail_at_its_job/
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Can you imagine life without women?

It would be a pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s637z/can_you_imagine_life_without_women/
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teacher is teaching a class

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5ymg/teacher_is_teaching_a_class/
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Teacher With Naughty Johnny

Teacher: “Anyone who thinks they are stupid may stand up!”
Nobody stands up
Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5tzb/teacher_with_naughty_johnny/
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The clever Doctor

A Doctor can't find a job in any Hospital in USA, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh... this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $1" not $100!!"
Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5rk8/the_clever_doctor/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5r4t/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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Four Surgeons

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5qw4/four_surgeons/
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What do a fly and a boner have in common?

You can't go to sleep without whacking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5n8w/what_do_a_fly_and_a_boner_have_in_common/
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Susie has no arms

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Not Susie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5lxz/susie_has_no_arms/
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I'd like to say "Fuck this weather"

But I'm pretty sure it's under 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5imt/id_like_to_say_fuck_this_weather/
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I've never really got the point of herbs and seasoning...

I just think it's a waste of thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5i5w/ive_never_really_got_the_point_of_herbs_and/
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Serial Killer...

The police have caught a serial killer with a really bad stammer.
They said it'll be a while before he finishes his sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5hle/serial_killer/
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I had some bad middle eastern food yesterday

I just felafel afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5fu3/i_had_some_bad_middle_eastern_food_yesterday/
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They're watching...

I was in my bathroom earlier and I heard weird noises coming from the sink.
Then, I walked to the upstairs window and noticed a man dressed in an all black suit with black shades, suspiciously walking around outside in the car park.
Beginning to think that someone might be phoning my taps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5ftk/theyre_watching/
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My colleague can no longer attend next week's seminar on innuendo...

Now I have to fill her slot...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5ejd/my_colleague_can_no_longer_attend_next_weeks/
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What's the most popular pub in the Middle East?

The Allahu ak-Bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5e1u/whats_the_most_popular_pub_in_the_middle_east/
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So I went clubbing last night...

Those seals didn't stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s58nz/so_i_went_clubbing_last_night/
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Schrødringer's cat walks into a bar

Or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s56zh/schrødringers_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
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Husband and his wife at night conversation

Husband sent a text to his wife at night,
"Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes
and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."
He sent another text,
"And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary
at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"
Shetext back, "OMG really?"
Husband replied,
"No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5661/husband_and_his_wife_at_night_conversation/
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My hands got into an argument last night

One was right and the other left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s55on/my_hands_got_into_an_argument_last_night/
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They say you are what you eat...

That's why I'm a good person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s550e/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
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How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4zzg/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
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The best joke that I have ever heard :)

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4zy5/the_best_joke_that_i_have_ever_heard/
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Headlice are now resistant to the usual medical treatments....

The problem has scientists scratching their heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4tlt/headlice_are_now_resistant_to_the_usual_medical/
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The Word Election and Erection Are Spelt Similarly. They also have the same meaning

A dick rising to power!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4t2a/the_word_election_and_erection_are_spelt/
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What do you call a posh Gym?

James

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4rfn/what_do_you_call_a_posh_gym/
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Imo everyone should consider organ donation

Ahhh actually I've had a change of heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4qt5/imo_everyone_should_consider_organ_donation/
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Marriage is like a hurricane...

Starts with a bunch of sucking and blowing, and at the end you lose your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4px4/marriage_is_like_a_hurricane/
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An Irishman, American, and an Italian Get Captured By Cannibals, and are granted each a last wish.

American asks for a Beer, get his beer drinks it they kill him, eat him turn his skin into a canoe.
Italian asks for a Pizza, gets his pizza eats it and also gets eaten and turned into a canoe.
Irishman asks for a fork. Bewildered as they never had this request before gladly provided this mans last wish. As he get his fork he starts to stab himself all over screaming at the top of his lungs "You'll not make a boat out of me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4p3i/an_irishman_american_and_an_italian_get_captured/
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In Chinese culture the great wall represents true longevity.

It's the only thing from China that lasts more than a few weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4is1/in_chinese_culture_the_great_wall_represents_true/
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Jack walks up to his teacher and asks...

Jack: Can you eat lightbulbs?
Teacher: No, why?
Jack: Because last night when I went to bed I heard my mom and dad. My dad says to my mom: "shut off the light, you're gonna eat the whole thing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4ghr/jack_walks_up_to_his_teacher_and_asks/
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How do you get a stranger to hop onto a bandwagon?

You poke 'em on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4g4h/how_do_you_get_a_stranger_to_hop_onto_a_bandwagon/
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The old man on the porch

A young boy was walking down the road one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man says, "Whatcha got there, sonny?"
The boy says, "Got me some chicken wire."
"Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire?" asked the old man.
"Gonna catch me some chickens!" says the boy.
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire, you dummy!" said the man. The boy just shrugs his shoulders and walks on down the street.
About a half hour later, the boy comes walking back with 3 chickens entangled in the
chicken wire. The old man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes.
About a half hour later, the boy was again walking past the old man's porch. "Whatcha got now, sonny?"
"Got me some duct tape."
"And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?" the old man asked.
"Gonna catch me some ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duct tape, you dummy!" said the old man. The boy just shrugs his shoulders and walks on down the street.
About a half hour later, back comes the boy with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.
About a half hour later, the boy was again  passing the porch.
"Whatcha got now sonny?" asked the old man.
The boy says, "Got me some pussy willow."
The old man says, "Hold up, let me put my shoes on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4frk/the_old_man_on_the_porch/
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The presidential race between Hillary and Trump reminds me of the first AVP movie.

Whoever wins, we lose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4e24/the_presidential_race_between_hillary_and_trump/
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How did Jesus get so ripped?

He does crossfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4bi0/how_did_jesus_get_so_ripped/
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Why was hitler bad with directions?

Because three reichs don't make a left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s484u/why_was_hitler_bad_with_directions/
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A man walks into a local store...

and attempts to buy an enormous amount of cat food. The cashier is not used to seeing this much cat food being purchased and worries that the man might sell the cat food for profit, so he demands that the man show him proof that he has cats. The man goes home and returns with his cats, and the cashier gives him his cat food.
The man returns after some time, this time attempting to buy an enormous amount of dog food. The cashier says, "I thought you had cats! I'm going to need some proof that you have dogs."
So the man returns with his dogs and the cashier has no choice but to give him his dog food.
After a few weeks, the man returns with a large sack. He shows it to the cashier, who immediately recoils and says, "What the hell is this!? You can't just walk in with a bag of shit!"
The man replies,
"I needed toilet paper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s45qi/a_man_walks_into_a_local_store/
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Blonde goes to the gynecologist

A blonde goes into the gynecologist. When he asks her what the problem is she replies, "Something is extremely wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!"
He takes a look and laughs, "Dear, those aren't stamps. Those are stickers from the bananas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s458m/blonde_goes_to_the_gynecologist/
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A couple in the 1800s gets married

...and they decide to spend their honeymoon at a lakeside cabin.  So they get on their horses and begin to make their way to the cabin.  After a little while,  the wife's horse completely stops.  She gets off the horse, looks it in the eyes, and says "That's one."  She gets back on the horse and they continue.  About 100 yards later, the wife's horse stops again.  Again, she gets off, stares it in the eyes, and says "That's two."  She gets back on the horse and they go another 100 yards when her horse stops again.  She gets off the horse, pulls her husband's gun off his horse, and shoots her horse dead.  The husband yells "What the hell did you do that for?!"  The wife turns to the husband, looks him in the eyes, and says "That's one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s44p1/a_couple_in_the_1800s_gets_married/
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What Pokémon would you catch in Rio De Janeiro?

Zikachu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s44n0/what_pokémon_would_you_catch_in_rio_de_janeiro/
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For the New Year, I vow to take a selfie at 720p.m.

It's a decent resolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s42tj/for_the_new_year_i_vow_to_take_a_selfie_at_720pm/
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funny

My uncle was a racist piano player, all his work sounded awful because he skipped all the black keys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s42i5/funny/
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What's the difference between a gay guy and a pizza?

A gay guy doesn't come in a box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s4215/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_guy_and_a_pizza/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s3y8o/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number_she_said/
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A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room said "Stop posting this every 2 days"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s3u16/a_linguistics_professor_says_during_a_lecture/
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The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies, you'd almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds

I have no shame...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s3pv5/the_usa_is_having_so_many_disasters_and_tragedies/
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So John can't take it anymore, so abandons society and makes to the hills.

He's happy as months go by. One day, a large, gruff looking Hill-Billy type man knocks on his door. "The name is Lars" he said. "I'm having a party tonight... wanna come?"
John: "well... I've been alone for months now, I like it but I do get lonely... Sure, I'll come"
Lars: nod. "Just to warn ya, these parties usually involve drinking"
John: "don't worry about me, I can hold my liquor"
Lars: "might be some drugs too"
John: "well I may not partake, but no judgement on anyone who does"
Lars: "usually a bit of fighting as well"
John: "I'm pretty easy going... and if I have to I can take care of myself"
Lars: "I've also seen some pretty nasty sex going on at these parties..."
John: "after several months, that actually sounds pretty awesome!"
Lars: nods turns to leave.
John: "hey, before you go, what should I wear? Casual? Semi-formal?"
Lars: "don't matter... just gonna be the two of us"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s3l9k/so_john_cant_take_it_anymore_so_abandons_society/
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My wife was proud that I admitted to also being married to someone else

...she said it was big of me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s3iyc/my_wife_was_proud_that_i_admitted_to_also_being/
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what do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s3iwo/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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The past, the present and the future had a meeting.

It was tense in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s3g87/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_had_a_meeting/
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Why did the kid eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s3fao/why_did_the_kid_eat_his_homework/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean?

I've never paid to have a lima bean on my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s3cza/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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2 men and their thirst for extreme!

2 men are standing on the ledge of a cliff... One man has a Budgie on his shoulder and the other has a parrot on his shoulder and a gun attached to his hip.
The first man with the Budgie, jumps off the cliff and as he falls the Budgie immediately flies away. The man plunges to the ground, miraculously he survives but he is no doubt crippled.
The second man with the Parrot and the gun, now jump off the cliff and as he falls the Parrot flies away but the man quickly pulls out his gun and shoots the Parrot with pinpoint accuracy. The second man then plunges to the ground and he too manages to survive but is crippled.
The two men then begin to crawl toward each other and the first man says - "You know, I don't see what the big fuss is about this Budgie Jumping >(" - The second man says "I agree, this free fall Parrot shooting isn't all that its cracked up to be either >("

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s3abe/2_men_and_their_thirst_for_extreme/
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A classic from my grandfather.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. Unique up on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s38yk/a_classic_from_my_grandfather/
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Why don't Jews eat pussy?

Because its too close to the gas chamber!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s389c/why_dont_jews_eat_pussy/
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A man travels to Spain and goes to a restaurant near the bull arena...

A man travels to Spain and goes to a restaurant near the bull arena for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks?
"The Matador Special, Senor," the waiter replies.
What meat is it?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "They, are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious.
In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"The Matador Special, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects, "I had the Matador Special yesterday and it was much bigger than this."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not always lose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s37p4/a_man_travels_to_spain_and_goes_to_a_restaurant/
%
Your mom is like Communism.

No class and everybody shares her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s33fg/your_mom_is_like_communism/
%
I ordered a book on near death experiences.

The anticipation almost killed me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s32rs/i_ordered_a_book_on_near_death_experiences/
%
My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony.

I was born ready.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s2w09/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_was_ready_to_go_to_the/
%
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to take a vacation to Australia. None of them made it back alive.

The redhead hopped off the plane and headed straight for the beach. She was eaten by a shark shortly thereafter.
The brunette was tired after her long flight, so she headed straight for her hotel to take a nap. After her nap, she got up to head to the opera, but a spider had slipped into her shoes and when she tried to put them on she was bitten and died.
The blonde was found drowned in her car off the coast of Florida. She'd taken one look at flight tickets and figured it was cheaper to drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s2ucy/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_decided_to_take/
%
[offensive] Why didn't Hitler become an artist?

Because he hated mixing colors...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s2rla/offensive_why_didnt_hitler_become_an_artist/
%
In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room...

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in
looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this
time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain
cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and
$200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the
entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have
to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been
used."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s2o47/in_the_hospital_the_relatives_gathered_in_the/
%
A police officer stopped a car for speeding

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’
The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’
The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’
The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’
The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’
The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up?
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’
The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s2nee/a_police_officer_stopped_a_car_for_speeding/
%
I have a Polish friend who does microphone tests for bands.

I have a Czech one two. Czech one two. Czech one two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s2lfp/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_does_microphone_tests/
%
what's the difference between oral and anal sex?

Good oral can make your whole day, good anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s2lfj/whats_the_difference_between_oral_and_anal_sex/
%
English and Art teacher talk...

English and Art teacher talk.
English teacher: "What do you teach?"
Art teacher:"Advanced Art."
English teacher:"Hence fancy scarf."
Art teacher:"Yes, what do you teach."
English teacher:"Advanced English"
Art teacher:"Hence hence?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s2js4/english_and_art_teacher_talk/
%
If you ever feel lonely...

just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s2iu7/if_you_ever_feel_lonely/
%
When my wife came home with a puppy, I knew better than to question her.

She's the chef, after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s2gxk/when_my_wife_came_home_with_a_puppy_i_knew_better/
%
My only talent is sleeping

I could do it with my eyes closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s2g6g/my_only_talent_is_sleeping/
%
Got a reality check today

It bounced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s2d9m/got_a_reality_check_today/
%
I want anarchy

Because my keyboard is missing one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s248c/i_want_anarchy/
%
Accidentally ran into my ex in town the other day

and then purposely put the car in reverse and ran into her again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s23k3/accidentally_ran_into_my_ex_in_town_the_other_day/
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FLUCTUATIONS

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious that she was a little irritated...
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today, I only get hunat eighty. Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations..."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s23i1/fluctuations/
%
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light-bulb?

You can un-screw the light-bulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s226w/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
%
Lumber Inspector for Hire

A blind guy applies for a job as a lumber inspector at the mill.
The boss, obviously confused, exclaims, "How can you grade wood well being blind?"
The blind guy retorts back saying he has an excellent sense of smell and to "Try it out."
Amused the boss grabs a piece of wood out of pile and hand its to the blind man. The blind man says, "That's a nice chunk of hickory you got."
The boss is amazed that he got it right and hands him another piece of wood.
The blind man puts his nose near the wood then exclaims, "Yuck, That's a rotten piece of cedar. right here. I wouldn't pass that!"
The boss again amazed keeps handing him wood and the blind man keeps guessing correctly. Eventually, the boss tires of the show and brings out his secretary. He whispers in her ear and she drops her pants and puts her front side in front of the blind mans nose.
The boss exclaims,"I got one more for you if you'll wager a guess."
The blind man gives a whiff and is confused. He asks if he can get the board flipped around. So the secretary turns around sticking her hind end right up close to the blind mans nose. The blind man takes a big whiff and begins to grin.
"I see what your doing here", he exclaims, "You're trying to mess with me!"
The boss replies,"What do you mean?"
The blind guys then says, "Well, that's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s21dg/lumber_inspector_for_hire/
%
A teacher walks into class...

And he says, "Everyone, turn in your homework."
The first student says, "I left mine in my locker."
The teacher says, "Theres no one in the hallway, so you go get it!"
The second student says, "I left mine in the library."
The teacher says, "Be very quiet, but you go get it quickly!"
The third student says, "I left mine in the girls locker room and I can't go get it because the volleyball team is in there."
The teacher says, "You stay here, I'll go get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s2175/a_teacher_walks_into_class/
%
Why couldn't the monk who flew a helicopter understand the monk who flew commercial jets?

Because he was on a higher plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s1xzm/why_couldnt_the_monk_who_flew_a_helicopter/
%
9/11 jokes aren't funny. My dad died that day.

Isn't it good that he was doing what he loved most - flying planes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s1rru/911_jokes_arent_funny_my_dad_died_that_day/
%
My cooking is so great....

...that firefighters like to come and watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s1ma9/my_cooking_is_so_great/
%
How do you host an amnesia support group on a budget?

The moment they show up, tell them the meeting went great and their speech was inspiring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s1j38/how_do_you_host_an_amnesia_support_group_on_a/
%
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s1fdz/whats_made_of_leather_and_sounds_like_a_sneeze/
%
A girl said she has seen me in a vegetarian meeting...

I told her I have never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s1ekq/a_girl_said_she_has_seen_me_in_a_vegetarian/
%
A physicist, a biologist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist get coffee at a street café.

A physicist, a biologist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist  are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house.
The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."
The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."
The computer scientist says, "They must have used a backdoor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s1d7p/a_physicist_a_biologist_a_mathematician_and_a/
%
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s1c3t/a_linguistics_professor_says_during_a_lecture/
%
A man is driving down a country road

when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car
"Pull, Zoomer, pull" the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn't move.
"Pull, Radar, pull" the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still
"Pull, Dasher, pull" yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock.
"Pull, Dusty, pull" shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.
The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer, "why do you call your horse different names?"
"You see," the farmer replies, "Dusty is blind. If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn't have pulled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s1b9d/a_man_is_driving_down_a_country_road/
%
What kind of memes do Germans like?

Danke memes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s1aty/what_kind_of_memes_do_germans_like/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter. He can't come anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s15m4/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
A Polish woman is visiting her friend

. They are sitting talking at the kitchen table when her friend looks out the window and sees her husband carrying a bouquet of flowers. She turns to her Polish friend and says "great, now I'm going to have my legs up in the air all night"
Her friend replies "hmm usually I just use a vase"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s13cg/a_polish_woman_is_visiting_her_friend/
%
A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop asks, "May I help you with your luggage?"
The photon responds, "No thank you.  I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s13bj/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
%
Just recently sold all my dead batteries

free of charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s10mo/just_recently_sold_all_my_dead_batteries/
%
What's the worst part of going to a southern family reunion?

Seeing your ex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s10jh/whats_the_worst_part_of_going_to_a_southern/
%
Why do lesbians shop at sport authority?

Because they don't like Dick's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s0vwl/why_do_lesbians_shop_at_sport_authority/
%
Teacher :)

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s0trt/teacher/
%
The world's shortest dirty joke ...

Gynecologist found drug stash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s0snb/the_worlds_shortest_dirty_joke/
%
My dad asked why i have a gun in my house

Is said because of the decepticons, i laughed, my dad laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster, it was a good night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s0nvw/my_dad_asked_why_i_have_a_gun_in_my_house/
%
Who was the worst U.S. President of all time?

Hoover, his administration really sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s0mc4/who_was_the_worst_us_president_of_all_time/
%
They told me to imagine a guy holding a jug full of water.

But I just couldn't pitcher it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s0i57/they_told_me_to_imagine_a_guy_holding_a_jug_full/
%
An American and a German fish meet in the ocean

The American fish says "Hi!"
The German fish says "Ohmygod!" and darts off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s0fxr/an_american_and_a_german_fish_meet_in_the_ocean/
%
I am the best juggler in the world.

But I don't have the balls to show it to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s0f5u/i_am_the_best_juggler_in_the_world/
%
On second thoughts, Jared Fogle and Subway are pretty similar.

I mean, both stick 38 year old meat into 10 year old buns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s0dik/on_second_thoughts_jared_fogle_and_subway_are/
%
2 Types of People I Hate

1) People who make lists.
2) Hypocrites

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s0cxq/2_types_of_people_i_hate/
%
What is Ramsay Bolton's favorite band?

Cold Flay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s08nm/what_is_ramsay_boltons_favorite_band/
%
Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight:

Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s070m/fantastic_exercise_that_really_helps_you_to_lose/
%
Timmy and mum are quite punny.

Timmy : I'm Hungary,.
Mum : Why don't you Czech the fridge.
Timmy : Ok, I'm Russian to the kitchen.
Mum : Hmm...maybe you'll find some Turkey.
Timmy : Yeah, but its all covered in Greece. Yuck !
Mum : There is Norway you can eat that.
Timmy : I know, I guess I'll just have a can of Chile.
Mum : Denmark your name on the can.
Timmy : Kenya do it for me?
Mum : Ok , I'm Ghana do it.
Timmy : Thanks, i'm so tired Iran for an hour today.
Mum : It Tokyo long enough.
Timmy : Yeah, Israelly hard sometimes !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s06lj/timmy_and_mum_are_quite_punny/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s06if/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s?

Because they literally can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s05kx/why_do_teenage_girls_go_to_the_bathroom_in_3s_and/
%
A Man's Biggest Hope

Most men hope they will marry a nymphomaniac.
The problem is, that after a few years, the nympho leaves but the maniac is still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rzyvv/a_mans_biggest_hope/
%
What's the difference Donald Trump and my Vagina?

One's a Cunt and the other has nice hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rzvwf/whats_the_difference_donald_trump_and_my_vagina/
%
Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

...because its not a Target.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rzv9b/why_wont_isis_bomb_my_local_walmart/
%
Teacher says to students

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rzrlt/teacher_says_to_students/
%
Why are black people good at basketball?

Because they shoot, steal, and run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rzoiz/why_are_black_people_good_at_basketball/
%
Modern Feminism

Saw this subreddit so I thought I'd pitch in my two cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rzgk9/modern_feminism/
%
Most black 15-year-olds are decent law-abiding citizens.

It's their kids that cause all the trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rzemo/most_black_15yearolds_are_decent_lawabiding/
%
A Man goes to his Doctor and says........

"Doctor I need help, I've just been raped by an elephant!"
"Oh my" says the Doctor. "I'd better take a look and see."
So the man strips down and the Doctor examines him and sure enough his arsehole has been hugely stretched and seems to be about 12 inches wide.
"This is serious, says the Doctor, but I'm confused. I thought that an elephants penis was long, but thin."
"Yes that's true." Replied the man............................
"But the bastard fingered me first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rzb0p/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor_and_says/
%
Scientists say there are now 4 confirmed states of matter

Solid matter
Liquid matter
Gas matter
and most recently...
Black Lives matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rz8an/scientists_say_there_are_now_4_confirmed_states/
%
A rich snail goes into a car shop...

He picks out a super fast car and says, "I want a big S painted on the left side, the right side, the front, the back. I want big Ss everywhere! The car painter asks why, and the snail says, "Because when I pass people on the road I want them to point at me and say, 'Wow! Look at that escargot!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rz7z9/a_rich_snail_goes_into_a_car_shop/
%
If two vegetarians are arguing

Is it considered a beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rz4nj/if_two_vegetarians_are_arguing/
%
if you wake up....

If you wake up in the middle of the woods and your butt hurts would you tell anyone?
No!
Wanna go camping?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ryzej/if_you_wake_up/
%
Peanuts

There was a priest in a church, listening to people's confessions. One day, a boy came up to him.
"Father, forgive me, for I have sinned," the boy said.
"Okay, what is your confession?" the priest asked.
"I threw peanuts down the drain"
The priest was very confused, nevetherless, he forgave the boy of his sins, and the boy went off.
After the boy, a girl came up to the the priest.
"Father, forgive me, for I have sinned," she said.
"Okay, whats your confession?" the priest asked.
"I threw peanuts down the drain."
Again, the priest was very confused, but he forgave the girl and the girl went off, happy.
This "throwing of peanuts" confession went on for the entire day, until a boy, bruised and beaten, showed up.
"Let me guess, you threw peanuts down the drain," the priest said.
The response was, "Father, I am Peanuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ryz6y/peanuts/
%
I'm thinking of changing my name to Attention

so i can get paid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rytuo/im_thinking_of_changing_my_name_to_attention/
%
.

Just wanted to make a point here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ryr85/_/
%
What's the difference between a dog and Windows 10?

A dog knows what is 'no'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ryoc5/whats_the_difference_between_a_dog_and_windows_10/
%
English is not my first language but I think my boss appreciates me

He always says I am this functional!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rylof/english_is_not_my_first_language_but_i_think_my/
%
Mafia attorney

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back , "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ryif4/mafia_attorney/
%
How much money do gay bars make?

A buttload.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ry95v/how_much_money_do_gay_bars_make/
%
When Johnny was late for class, his teacher asked why?

"My dad got burnt" said Johnny
"Nothing serious I hope" exclaimed the teacher
To which Johnny replied "They don't fuck around down the crematorium Miss"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ry76t/when_johnny_was_late_for_class_his_teacher_asked/
%
Gunfire reported at track and field event

They said it was race related

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ry76g/gunfire_reported_at_track_and_field_event/
%
I spent 2 years in rehab for my Phil Collins addiction.

I did it against all odds. Just take a look at me now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ry4nd/i_spent_2_years_in_rehab_for_my_phil_collins/
%
EXEMPLARY STATUES

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ry2ix/exemplary_statues/
%
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ry2i9/a_young_artist_exhibits_his_work_for_the_first/
%
Honey, the broken condoms are on the couch again.

I thought we were calling the kids by their names now dear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ry05t/honey_the_broken_condoms_are_on_the_couch_again/
%
There's a blonde in the middle of a Kansas field in a rowboat...

just rowing her heart out. Another blonde driving by sees this, pulls over, gets out, and yells "You know it's blondes like you that make us all look dumb! If I could swim I'd come out there and beat your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rxzat/theres_a_blonde_in_the_middle_of_a_kansas_field/
%
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4...

... near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rxv4r/the_highways_agency_found_over_200_dead_crows_on/
%
My top 5 (in no particular order)

1. 3
2. 5
3. 2
4. 4
5. 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rxhtg/my_top_5_in_no_particular_order/
%
Morning Sex....

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rxag4/morning_sex/
%
What's yellow and hurts when it gets in your eye?

Bull dozer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rx99n/whats_yellow_and_hurts_when_it_gets_in_your_eye/
%
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 13 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rx8ci/what_did_our_parents_do_to_kill_boredom_before/
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Inflatable boy

There was an inflatable boy, and he goes to an inflatable school. While there, he finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.
The inflatable boy pulls out a pin and punctures the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatable school gates. Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks again, "I hate school", and once more pulls out his pin and pokes it into the inflatable school. He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom.
A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable Police. Panicking, our inflatable boy yet again pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself.
Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster.
Shaking his deflated head - more in sorrow than in anger - the Headmaster gravely intones:
"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rx6vb/inflatable_boy/
%
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just shoot the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rx3o6/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
Last night a movie theater was robbed of $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal and a pack of skittles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rx1vy/last_night_a_movie_theater_was_robbed_of_1000/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar

The bartender looks at it and says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rx1mg/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you get if you cut an avocado into 6.02 * 10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rwzrz/what_do_you_get_if_you_cut_an_avocado_into_602/
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Coma's can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
* Hillary is in a hurry.
* Hillary is in a coma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rwtw2/comas_can_really_change_the_meaning_of_a_sentence/
%
Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...

Because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for all your problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rws37/trump_is_blaming_sanders_for_the_violence_at_his/
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My three sons are gonna hate me...

once I name them Prescott, Scott, and Postscott

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rwmad/my_three_sons_are_gonna_hate_me/
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Why don't cops get along with black people?

They should at least take a shot at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rwivb/why_dont_cops_get_along_with_black_people/
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Why did Thor file a police report?

Because someone stole his thunder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rwibn/why_did_thor_file_a_police_report/
%
Next time someone texts you to say "call me"...

Call them to say "text me". And just hang up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rwgh7/next_time_someone_texts_you_to_say_call_me/
%
What activity is easier as it gets harder?

Pissing on the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rwgfh/what_activity_is_easier_as_it_gets_harder/
%
A man walking into a bar and says, "I'll have ten times more beers than your next biggest drinker"

The bartender replied, "Now that's an order of magnitude!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rwg31/a_man_walking_into_a_bar_and_says_ill_have_ten/
%
Bruce Willis went shopping...

...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherfucker!"
Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.
He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rwf38/bruce_willis_went_shopping/
%
Why can't dormant volcanoes erupt?

They have eruptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rwb4y/why_cant_dormant_volcanoes_erupt/
%
Why did the police hire Quasimodo as an investigator?

He always had a hunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rw69b/why_did_the_police_hire_quasimodo_as_an/
%
I tried to go into a restaurant playing Pokemon go.

I couldn't get in though. The servers were too busy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rw4u7/i_tried_to_go_into_a_restaurant_playing_pokemon_go/
%
I was hiking once with my girlfriend

. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rw452/i_was_hiking_once_with_my_girlfriend/
%
How do you know if a pepper is starting a fight with you?

It gets jalapeño face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rw3x7/how_do_you_know_if_a_pepper_is_starting_a_fight/
%
Wife and I taking a shower

Wife: I want you to do bad things to me.
Me: <pours shampoo in her eyes>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rw311/wife_and_i_taking_a_shower/
%
I wanted to tell an NSA joke...

But I feel like they've heard them all before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rw2m2/i_wanted_to_tell_an_nsa_joke/
%
Hillary Clinton speaks to the schoolchildren

Teacher: Class please welcome Hillary Clinton today. She will answer your questions.
Hillary: Hello class. Who has the first question?
*Johnny raises hand*
Johnny: My name is Johnny. I have 3 questions.
- Why did you lie about Benghazi?
- What was in those emails you deleted?
- And does your pattern of corruption mean we can never trust you?
*The recess bell rings and the children return 40 minutes later.*
Hillary: Ok. Where were we? Who has a question?
*Kid raises hand*
George: My name is George and I have 5 questions.
- Why did you lie about Benghazi?
- What was in those emails you deleted?
- Does your pattern of corruption mean we can never trust you?
- Why did the bell ring 10 minutes early?
- And... uh... oh yeah. Where's Johnny?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rw26w/hillary_clinton_speaks_to_the_schoolchildren/
%
Giraffe walks into a bar and says...

The hi-balls are on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rw25l/giraffe_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
%
I met a horse who keeps talking about the apocalypse.

He told me the end is neigh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rvziu/i_met_a_horse_who_keeps_talking_about_the/
%
I heard Apple is trying to develop a new car.

But they're having trouble installing windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rvya4/i_heard_apple_is_trying_to_develop_a_new_car/
%
Did you hear the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rvxkf/did_you_hear_the_score_of_the_egypt_vs_ethiopia/
%
Donald Trump secretly wants to lose the election?

If he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rvvwb/donald_trump_secretly_wants_to_lose_the_election/
%
Today my boss fondled my genitals!

Being self-employed is great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rvvs8/today_my_boss_fondled_my_genitals/
%
What makes a ghost happy?

An elevator. It lifts the spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rvs0y/what_makes_a_ghost_happy/
%
A man was walking into Starbucks for his daily coffee,

except this time there were a ton of birds, numbering in the thousands. He walked in and asked the barista, "Hey, what's up with all these birds?" The barista replied, "I'm not sure, but it's affecting our business. Tell you what, I'll give you a dollar for every bird you can kill. I've got some burnt pastries you can throw at them." The man walked outside, pastries in hand, and started pelting the birds with them. He quickly ran out of the first tray that was given and went back inside. The barista said, "What are you, an amateur?" and went outside with another tray of pastries. He wound up, threw it as hard as he could, and the pastry bounced off of one bird and hit another, with both falling to the ground instantly. The barista looked at the man and said, "That, my friend, is how you kill two birds with one scone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rvows/a_man_was_walking_into_starbucks_for_his_daily/
%
A person walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for guys that have small penises?"

The librarian says, "I believe that isn't in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!" the man replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rvnd5/a_person_walks_into_a_library_and_says_to_the/
%
What do you call a guy who puts his right hand into the mouth of a great white shark?

Lefty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rvn5v/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_puts_his_right_hand/
%
A doctor was running a final test to determine whether the treatment for his psychiatric patients works or not

So the doctor brought the 3 patients to an empty pool and asks all of them to jump into the pool.
The first one without hesitate jumped and landed face first thus considered fail.
The second one took a step back, and looked at the doctor, and he said 'doc I cant swim, I might drown'. The doctor asked him to jump, and he jumped. Thus failed too.
The last one refused to jump and the doctor actually thought he had passed the test. The doctor forced him to jump and yet he still refused. Feeling that he might just have cured the last patient's insanity, he asked 'why dont you want to jump?'
The patient dipped his finger into the non-existent water and said to the doctor seriously 'The water is fucking cold!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rvlzr/a_doctor_was_running_a_final_test_to_determine/
%
ln(x) is hosting a calculus party....

and all the functions are invited. Some of them are radical, at least 1/3 of them are rational, and like all parties, there are a few odd ones talking to their imaginary friends. Amidst all of this revelry, ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend e^x sulking in a corner.
ln(x): "What's wrong e^x?"
e^x: "I'm so lonely!"
ln(x): "Well, you should go integrate yourself into the crowd!"
e^x looks up and cries, "It won't make a difference!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rvigb/lnx_is_hosting_a_calculus_party/
%
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another?

Sorry, my fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rvgpz/what_did_the_tectonic_plate_say_when_it_bumped/
%
There are three naked men outside a Halloween party.

The one guideline to enter the party was that the person trying to get in must have a costume. Near the Halloween party, there was a trash can. None of the men had costumes, obviously, so they agreed to search through the trash can to look for anything to wear as a costume.
The first man found a bucket of red paint. He decided to cover his whole body in red paint. He walked up to the bouncer of the party. The bouncer asked "What is your costume?" The first man said "I'm anger." He was let in
The second man found a bucket of blue paint. He covered his whole body in blue paint, and walked up to the bouncer. The bouncer asked "What's your costume?" The second man replied "I'm sadness." He was also let in.
The third man found an old, rotten pear in the trash can. He couldn't find anything else worthy of putting on his body, so he jammed his dick into the pear. Confidently, he walked up to the bouncer.
The bouncer was disgusted. "What the hell is your costume supposed to be?!" He exclaimed.
The third man replied "Don't you see? I'm fucking despair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rvbgk/there_are_three_naked_men_outside_a_halloween/
%
What does a black policeman says when he looks in the mirror?

Oh shit a cop!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rvaze/what_does_a_black_policeman_says_when_he_looks_in/
%
Why was 10 traumatized?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rv9o7/why_was_10_traumatized/
%
A little girl talks to her mother about her accident in school...

Annie : Mommy, Jimmy showed his penis to me this morning!
Mom : Really?!?!
Annie : Yeah, and it reminded me about peanuts
Mom : *chuckles* Why? Is it because they are small?
Annie : No, salty...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rv4oq/a_little_girl_talks_to_her_mother_about_her/
%
A guy is lost in the mall and start shouting for his wife.

Alice! Alice!, suddenly he hears another voice shouting the same name Alice!! Alice!, he turns and looks at him and shouts HEY! is your wife named Alice too? No but I guess since shes banging a guy like you I got a shot. Alice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rv35w/a_guy_is_lost_in_the_mall_and_start_shouting_for/
%
Just met Darth Vader's corrupt brother.

Taxi Vader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rv30h/just_met_darth_vaders_corrupt_brother/
%
Why is eastern europe filled with strippers?

Because they like Poles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rv25z/why_is_eastern_europe_filled_with_strippers/
%
3 Wishes?

One day a guy walked out of a bar after celebrating his divorce and tripped over an old bottle, as it broke open a genie rushed out.
He let the guy know he would gladly grant 3 wishes to him. However, what ever he wished for his ex-wife would get double.
Immediately after hearing this, he asked for a mansion on the beach. He asked with very specific details. BOOM!!! His wish was granted.
As he walked through the mansion and out to see the beach, he was pleased. Until he looked next door. There was his ex-wife with his exact mansion, except bigger and better.
The next wish was for a billion dollars. BOOM! He was surrounded by money. He thought for a bit, looked next door, and his ex-wife had twice as much.
After a few more days, he finally made his last wish.
He looks at the genie and he says forcefully, "I want you to beat me half to death!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rv0zn/3_wishes/
%
A Pokemon go user walks into a bar

Because he was too busy looking at his phone to notice it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rv0fq/a_pokemon_go_user_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Who is the chess player's dream companion?

A *Czech Mate*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ruvqw/who_is_the_chess_players_dream_companion/
%
My Gran just asked me "What's the name of that God-damn Jew who keeps hiding stuff around my house!?"

It's Alzheimer, grandma. Alzheimer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rur2q/my_gran_just_asked_me_whats_the_name_of_that/
%
I saw Donald Trump walk by Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller without stopping...

Turns out he really doesn't recognize Jewish Stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ruln9/i_saw_donald_trump_walk_by_natalie_portman_and/
%
What is Mozart doing now?

He is de-composing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rul8h/what_is_mozart_doing_now/
%
Walking Down The Street

One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles. One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!" His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rujy3/walking_down_the_street/
%
Religious groups put on performances for an audience

The Christians put on a hell of a show, the Jews knocked their socks off, but the Muslims blew them all away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ruiqz/religious_groups_put_on_performances_for_an/
%
There's only one similarity between Donald Trump and Feminists.

Redditors hate them both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ruhfm/theres_only_one_similarity_between_donald_trump/
%
It is known that masturbation eases congestion

"I swear officer, I was only trying to help traffic move along!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ruh5l/it_is_known_that_masturbation_eases_congestion/
%
A new sickness has been found and researchers report it infects only the nose.

According to them, this is a full-blown disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rufet/a_new_sickness_has_been_found_and_researchers/
%
TIL Muslim extremists do not like pulled pork sandwiches.

whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rue5k/til_muslim_extremists_do_not_like_pulled_pork/
%
What did the sea say to the sand?

Nothing, it simply waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ruduf/what_did_the_sea_say_to_the_sand/
%
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate...

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ruc08/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolate/
%
Boyfriend and Girlfriend

are sitting in their apartment, the boy is playing Xbox One.
Boy: Why do you look so sad?
Girl: ...
Boy: Turns of his Xbox one.
Girl: Why did you stop playing?
Boy: Because there is something much better than my Xbox.....
Girl: *Blushes*
Boy: Turns on PS4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ruaxo/boyfriend_and_girlfriend/
%
The Department of Unfinished Statistics concluded...

... that 7 out of 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ru7wf/the_department_of_unfinished_statistics_concluded/
%
Have you tried the new, ultra-realistic vibrator?

"No, how does it work?"
"Right before you climax it comes, goes limp, farts, and turns itself off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ru6s7/have_you_tried_the_new_ultrarealistic_vibrator/
%
A Instagram user walks into a bar...

A Instagram user walks into a #bar #pub #brewery #happyhour #bigplace #beer #night #party #fun #photography #conceptual #art #drink #peperoni #olives #lights #table #chair #followme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ru6k9/a_instagram_user_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods...

As they both are wiping their ass the bear asks "Rabbit, does shit stick to your fur?"
The rabbit replies  "Of course not"
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ru4xv/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_shitting_in_the_woods/
%
Things Men Shouldn't Say in a Victoria's Secret Store

1. No thanks... Just sniffing.
2. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
3. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
4. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
5. Will you model this for me?
6. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.
7. $85? Are you kidding? She's just going to end up *naked* anyway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ru4d9/things_men_shouldnt_say_in_a_victorias_secret/
%
Two snares and a cymbal falls off a cliff

BADUMTSSSS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ru437/two_snares_and_a_cymbal_falls_off_a_cliff/
%
S & M

me and the wife are in the s & m stage of our marriage. she Sleeps, i Masturbate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ru2tw/s_m/
%
The Marriage Fairy

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and *POOF!* She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and *POOF!* He was 90

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ru2f0/the_marriage_fairy/
%
19 and 20 had a fight.

21.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ru1dt/19_and_20_had_a_fight/
%
Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

He couldn't find the droid he was looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ru124/why_did_the_stormtrooper_buy_an_iphone/
%
Men vs Women

**1. NAMES**
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
**2. EATING OUT**
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
**3. MONEY**
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
**4. BATHROOMS**
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
**5. ARGUMENTS**
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
**6. CATS**
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
**7. FUTURE**
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
**8. SUCCESS**
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
**9. MARRIAGE**
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
**10. DRESSING UP**
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
**11. NATURAL**
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
**12. OFFSPRING**
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
**13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY**
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
**AND FINALLY.....**
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ru02p/men_vs_women/
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My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop making Pokémon references...

'You need to make a choice' she said 'It's either me or the stupid pokémon references!'
'I understand', I replied, holding back tears. 'Sandra, I choose you!!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rtwwk/my_wife_said_she_would_leave_me_if_i_didnt_stop/
%
If time means money...

...then an ATM is **A** **T**ime **M**achine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rtwgh/if_time_means_money/
%
There are two kinds of people in this world

Those who finish what they started and

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rtw8n/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
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Last night, I woke up to the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my room.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rts2q/last_night_i_woke_up_to_the_ghost_of_gloria/
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Election And Erection

The words election and erection are spelled similarly. They both have the same meaning too: a dick rising to power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rtmzf/election_and_erection/
%
What is the difference between a gun and a feminist?

A gun only has one trigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rtmhm/what_is_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a/
%
I dated a girl with a parrot once. Hideous thing that would not shut up.

The parrot was cool though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rtlun/i_dated_a_girl_with_a_parrot_once_hideous_thing/
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A Mexican magician tells his audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos... *poof*...

He disappeared without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rtitl/a_mexican_magician_tells_his_audience_he_will/
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Argument with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement...

.
.
.
.
.
At the end, you ignore everything and click 'I agree'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rth7b/argument_with_a_woman_is_like_reading_the/
%
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade killing 50 people

Then the grenade exploded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rtgs6/chuck_norris_once_threw_a_grenade_killing_50/
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3 unwritten rules of life:

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rtgey/3_unwritten_rules_of_life/
%
Difference between hypothetical and reality

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”
The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?”
The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?”
The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father answers, “OK, son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rtf18/difference_between_hypothetical_and_reality/
%
If your car is too heavy

You can always use lighter fuel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rtb1c/if_your_car_is_too_heavy/
%
In Pakistan, what's the difference between an elementary school and a terrorist training camp?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rta4k/in_pakistan_whats_the_difference_between_an/
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Trip to Japan

An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan, and he hires a hooker. The whole night the hooker keeps screaming, "Hosthimota! Hosthimota!"
The man doesn't know what the word means, but he's positive he's pleased the hooker to the best of his abilities, and thus assumes it's positive.
The next day he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partners when he makes a hole in one! Everyone is congratulating him, and he can't think of anything to say but, "Hosthimota!"
The applause stop, and one of the business partners turns to him and says, "No, sir. That *was* the right hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rt6o6/trip_to_japan/
%
A guy walks into a bar

And orders a drink. As the bartender is pouring the mans drink, he notices the man sneezing multiple times, then reaches down his pants and wipes himself off. Wondering  the bartender asks " what the hell was that about?!" the man explains that he suffers from a rare medical condition. "Once I sneeze I cant help but orgasm." The bartender is amazed and asks "really? What do u use for that condition?!" the man just grins and says " Black pepper "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rsyum/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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A guy wants a job as a police officer

So he sits down at the interview and the hiring manager is very impressed with the man's qualifications, aptitudes and references. He just wasn't one hundred percent sure.
"Just one more thing," the hiring manager says. "Before you can get the job we need you to go ahead and shoot two black guys and rodeo clown by tomorrow."
"A rodeo clown?" asks the guy quite incredulously.
"YOU'RE HIRED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rswbv/a_guy_wants_a_job_as_a_police_officer/
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What is the difference between a corrupt cop and a disposable camera?

A disposable camera doesn't have to reload 3 times to take 30 shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rsmut/what_is_the_difference_between_a_corrupt_cop_and/
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Why doesn't Yogi wear shoes?

He likes to go... bearfoot!
I'll see myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rslrr/why_doesnt_yogi_wear_shoes/
%
What do you call a Black Man on the Moon?

An Astronaut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rsjvb/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_on_the_moon/
%
Be kind to your dentist.

He has fillings too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rsj3h/be_kind_to_your_dentist/
%
A police man searched me in a public toilet last night....

A police man searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"its not my fault", I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he said
I said, "I'll Prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on than." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said,
"Well, show me your pocket than."
"What for?" I asked
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rsdyz/a_police_man_searched_me_in_a_public_toilet_last/
%
Thanks to Pokemon Go...

I'm finally going to lose weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rsbkf/thanks_to_pokemon_go/
%
Mike Tyson caught experimenting with Methamphetamines...

He exclaims, "I was just mething around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rs5wq/mike_tyson_caught_experimenting_with/
%
$100 BILL TATTOO

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rs48x/100_bill_tattoo/
%
I was trying to come up with a name for my group of mystery-solving chickens

Apparently the Clue Clucks Clan was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rs0jv/i_was_trying_to_come_up_with_a_name_for_my_group/
%
A woman and a man are lying in bed

next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rrzbk/a_woman_and_a_man_are_lying_in_bed/
%
A man, a woman, and a dog are all about to go over the edge of a canyon in a car.

The man and woman get into a heated argument about bad driving, and whose fault this is.
The argument is cut short by the car's horn beeping repeatedly while the dog barks excessively. Glaring at the woman, the man bitterly complains, "Well it doesn't fucking matter, we're about to die anyway. But I was right, you know; Bitches can't drive," right before the car falls.
When first responders get to the scene and the car is eventually hauled back up, no one really knows what to make of the couple's dog seat-belted into the driver's seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rrwrn/a_man_a_woman_and_a_dog_are_all_about_to_go_over/
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My friend is scared of the homeless people he sees on the streets.

I told him to stop being hobophobic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rrrof/my_friend_is_scared_of_the_homeless_people_he/
%
Why does ISIS like sheep?

Is-Lamb!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rrqok/why_does_isis_like_sheep/
%
Had a near death experience last night

A cop pulled me over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rroa0/had_a_near_death_experience_last_night/
%
If I had a quarter for every time a homeless person asked me for change

I still wouldn't give him any

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rrmye/if_i_had_a_quarter_for_every_time_a_homeless/
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Inigo Montoya gets married

He tells his new wife that he has always wanted a son to carry on the family name. They try for several years, but never have any children. Upset, he takes her to Miracle Max to see what can be done. Miracle Max looks her over, asks some questions, consults his books, and comes back with the bad news. He tells Inigo that his wife will never bear children. It turns out that she's inconceivable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rrkmz/inigo_montoya_gets_married/
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What's a thimble?

By definithion, thomething that represenths or thtands for thomething elth. Thymbolithm, y'know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rrijg/whats_a_thimble/
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While at our wedding, I pointed out to my wife-to-be...

that her her veil wasn't nearly opaque enough. She responded by discreetly implying she would hit me.
It was a thinly-veiled threat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rrdl5/while_at_our_wedding_i_pointed_out_to_my_wifetobe/
%
Bellboy....

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rrcod/bellboy/
%
Little Johnny went to the zoo with his parents.

He saw an elephant and asked his mom:
"Mom, what does this elephant has between its legs?"
Mom blushes and says:
" Oh, that's nothing."
Then Johnny turns to his father and asks:
"Dad, what does this elephant has between its legs?"
"That's elephant's penis"
"But mom said that it was nothing"
"Well, daddy spoiled mommy a little bit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rrb8z/little_johnny_went_to_the_zoo_with_his_parents/
%
A Banana and a Vibrator are sitting on a bedside table

the banana says "I dont know why YOU'RE shaking, she's gonna fucking eat ME"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rr9v6/a_banana_and_a_vibrator_are_sitting_on_a_bedside/
%
A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer"

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer "
The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "
The suspect :"  Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to crash the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? "
Policeman :" No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people? "
Suspect :" Well that selfish guy ran towards the other 12."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rr6jj/a_mob_drags_a_man_into_a_police_station_for/
%
[NSFW] Why do women have legs?

Have you seen the mess snails make?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rr650/nsfw_why_do_women_have_legs/
%
Having sex in a mental hospital

Now that's fucking insane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rr3l9/having_sex_in_a_mental_hospital/
%
What do you call a stoner that complains about luck?

A Hearthstoner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rr31n/what_do_you_call_a_stoner_that_complains_about/
%
I tried to teach my grandma how to eat noodles with chopsticks

She accidentally made a sweater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rr1rg/i_tried_to_teach_my_grandma_how_to_eat_noodles/
%
i'm going to quit my job and open a donut shop that also sells weed

i'll call it 'glazed and confused'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rr1gt/im_going_to_quit_my_job_and_open_a_donut_shop/
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Women are like Wine

(I've submitted this one to another thread before, let's see how it goes here)
A man sits in his study, a book in his hand and a full glass of inky cabernet by his side. There's a sheepish knock at the door. "Come in," the man says without lifting his eyes from the page.
The door creaks slowly and a young man, no more than 17 with his face long and his eyes wet and red, slips silently into the room. His sock-muffled steps are barely whispers on the wooden floor. "Dad?" his voice weak and unsure, "can we talk?"
With his son standing by his side, his eyes are finally pulled from the page. The anguish in his son's voice is enough to tear him from the fictitious world where he finds comfort and respite. "Of course," he says, placing his bookmark and closing the tome on his lap, "what's wrong?"
The boy chokes back a sob and gathers his thoughts, his father waits patiently. "Wh..." he clears his throat, "Why are girls so mean?"
A subtle smile contorts his father's face and a gentle nod says "I knew this would come. Someday."
His father breathes deep and stares at the velvety ripples across his favorite drink. He reaches, and gently lifts the cup to his son. "Have a sip."
The boy smells first, as his father does at dinner, then sips. "Bleh!" He exclaims, "how do you drink that!?"
The father chuckles and accepts the cup yet again.
"Son, women are like wine." He takes another drink, slightly more than a sip. "Like this wine, the girls you are dating now are too young. All of their off flavors haven't had time to settle. Their brash, even obnoxious, they insist upon themselves and are unrefined. Sure, they may get you to where you want to go, but you'll wake up regretting everything and feeling sick."
The boy just nods.
"As the wine ages, all those off flavors settle down, the tannins soften and rough edges become soft and welcoming. The same wine, which would have given you a headache if enjoyed too early, makes the perfect partner for your dinner or just to be enjoyed on it's own."
"Thanks dad, i think...."
"But then, the wine continues to age," he continues cutting off the boy, "and all of the fruit character that once defined it is lost. The flavors become flabby and the alcohol turns to vinegar. Soon, all of the inside crystallizes leaving nothing but a sour, bitter, acrid slurry that makes you want to vomit as soon as it touches your lips." The father then downs the remainder of his wine in one loud gulp.
The boys stares horrified at his father, "When does that happen?"
"I dunno," he says while pouring another glass. "How old is your mother?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rqzr4/women_are_like_wine/
%
Any subreddits to help you cope with schizophrenia?

Asking for a friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rqzn4/any_subreddits_to_help_you_cope_with_schizophrenia/
%
My go-to joke, thought I'd share.

A man and his friend are sitting at a bar, talking about embarrassing moments. The man says to his friend:
"Man, I messed up the other week. I was at the train station, trying to buy a ticket, and the ticket booth operator was this gorgeous woman, I'm talking 10/10 here. So I go up to her, and instead of saying 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh, with the change in nickels and dimes.' I said 'I'd like two pickets to TITSBURG, with the change in NIPPLES and dimes.'"
His friend replies:
"I had the same thing happen to me the other morning. I was eating breakfast with my wife, and what I meant to say was 'Honey, can you please pass the toast and jam?' but what I actually said was 'You fucking bitch, you ruined my life!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rqta9/my_goto_joke_thought_id_share/
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Hilary Clinton dies

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Hillary Clinton was tragically hit by a car and died.
Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says Hillary Clinton.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says Hillary Clinton.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and she finds herself  in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, shake her hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before Hillary Clinton realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives her a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her, "Now it's time to visit heaven...
So, 24 hours passed with that Hillary Clinton joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
Clinton reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So, Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all of her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to her and grins menacingly.
"I don't understand," stammer Hilary. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."
The devil looks at Hilary, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rqrn5/hilary_clinton_dies/
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What do you call an Irish man who lives in your back garden?

Patti O'Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rqpll/what_do_you_call_an_irish_man_who_lives_in_your/
%
A joke from 1892

"...one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rqp73/a_joke_from_1892/
%
[Poor Taste] What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking in a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rqp1g/poor_taste_whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_the/
%
I asked my local store why they don't round the 99 cent price tags to a dollar

They said that there's no cents in the change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rqo0j/i_asked_my_local_store_why_they_dont_round_the_99/
%
what room zombies and vampires can't enter?

the living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rqljd/what_room_zombies_and_vampires_cant_enter/
%
A airplane is going down midflight and the pilot comes on the intercom.

He says, "Attention passengers we are going down. To help with the weight of the plane and attempt to save some lives we are gonna kick people off the plane in alphabetical order." The plane goes quiet but the people agree and a flight attendant let's the pilot know. Once again the pilot comes over the speaker and says, "we will now start the removal process. First is A. Do we have any Africans?" Plane is quiet. "Okay B's, and blacks? Plane is silent. "Okay now for C's, any Colored people?" Plane is quiet again. The pilot continues through the alphabet as a little black boy turns to his mother and asks, "mom,  aren't we Africans, blacks, and colored people?" She says, "yes but today we are niggas." The boy turns in his seat to the Mexican boy behind him and says, " Haha, your gonna jump off before we do." The Mexican boy smiles and says ," that's what you think but today, I'm a wet back!"
(sorry is this offends anyone)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rql46/a_airplane_is_going_down_midflight_and_the_pilot/
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Pokemon GO is trying to fix its servers...

It's not very effective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rqkkf/pokemon_go_is_trying_to_fix_its_servers/
%
Pokemon GO servers are like my life right now.

Up and down and disappointing anyone who knows what it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rqih2/pokemon_go_servers_are_like_my_life_right_now/
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Two jumper cables walk into a bar..

The bartender says "I'm gonna serve you guys, but you have to promise not to start something".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rqdet/two_jumper_cables_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a woman with one leg?

Ilene
What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?
Irene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rqaqj/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_one_leg/
%
Crayola is now doing its color testing on manatees and peta is pissed.

Oh The Hue Manatee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rqajb/crayola_is_now_doing_its_color_testing_on/
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A Gamer Just Died.

And his family are having the funeral for him. His girlfriend shows up and notices 2 japanese men in suits sitting in the front row.
After the eulogy, they all go into the cemetery to bury him and the odd men keep following. The girlfriend gets concerned and asks the gamers friend who they are.
"Oh those are Konami Reps." He says.
"What are they doing here" asks the girlfriend.
"They're the ones lowering him into the grave."
"Why would they do that?"
"Cause they're great at letting people down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rq8hg/a_gamer_just_died/
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What do you call a chicken takeover of the government?

A coop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rq832/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_takeover_of_the/
%
What's the generic name for Viagra?

Mycoxafloppin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rq76a/whats_the_generic_name_for_viagra/
%
A time traveler meets with an ancient Jewish Bibical author.

After a brief introduction, having convinced the scribe of his identity, the time-traveler launches into an excited speech:
"Rabbi, do you know that in the future, your writings will spawn off other religions that in turn would make most of the world's population adherents of the Abrahamic faith?"
The wizened sage shakes his head with disbelief.
"Trust me, I'm telling you the truth!" pleads the time-traveler, "One day, your writings will constitute the foundation for the most popular book in the world."
Distraught, the author sighs heavily and shakes his head once again.
"I know, it sounds crazy. Could you imagine that there are even those who will persecute your people in the name of your own God, with their own version of the story as pretext?"
At this, the perplexed Rabbi shakes his head vigorously for the final time, but before the time-traveler can react, he reaches for the manuscript, palm on his forehead and with furrowed brow, muttering under his breath "I can't *believe* that we forgot to copyright the damn thing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rq1gl/a_time_traveler_meets_with_an_ancient_jewish/
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What did Hitler call his recliner?

Mein Kampf-y Chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rq0pq/what_did_hitler_call_his_recliner/
%
I was thinking about moving to Moscow

But there's no point in Russian to things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpzze/i_was_thinking_about_moving_to_moscow/
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Why are atheists afraid of exponents?

They don't believe in a higher power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpz88/why_are_atheists_afraid_of_exponents/
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What do you......

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpxnl/what_do_you/
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Why did the power go out when Optimus Prime got his first blow job?

Someone blew a transformer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpv5u/why_did_the_power_go_out_when_optimus_prime_got/
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I thought I caught a snorlax on pokemon go

turns out i was on tinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpudk/i_thought_i_caught_a_snorlax_on_pokemon_go/
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A woman collapsed on the street

Her husband, luckily, was able to catch her in time.
"Is anyone here a doctor!?" The husband shouted with sheer panic in his tone.
A man barreled through the onlooking crowd, knocking a few of them over to join the husband and wife.
"I'm a vegan!" The man said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpqgl/a_woman_collapsed_on_the_street/
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How do you identify a vegan at a party?

You don't, they come and tell you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpoa7/how_do_you_identify_a_vegan_at_a_party/
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Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "How do you drive this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpnw9/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
Whiteboards are...

Remarkable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpkti/whiteboards_are/
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Why do women close their eyes during sex?

Some women just can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpj9z/why_do_women_close_their_eyes_during_sex/
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What do you call a white guy surrounded by 15 black guys?

Coach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpis8/what_do_you_call_a_white_guy_surrounded_by_15/
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On the advice of his doctor, a man goes to see a psychiatrist for possible sex addiction.

During his first session, the psychiatrist shows the man a series of Rorschach inkblots to gauge his reactions.
On the first inkblot, the man says: "It's a guy getting a blowjob."
On the second, the man says: "Hmmm, looks like a woman receiving cunnilingus from another woman."
On the third, the man says: "It appears to be a woman mounting a man, reverse-cowgirl style, while she's blindfolded."
The psychiatrist continues to show more inkblots, and the man continues to see sexual imagery.
The psychiatrist concludes the inkblot test, and tells the man:
"Clearly, you have an advanced case of sexual addiction. You see nothing but sexual imagery in all of the inkblots."
The man replies: "That's hardly a fair diagnosis. You're the one with all the dirty pictures!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpgmm/on_the_advice_of_his_doctor_a_man_goes_to_see_a/
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I kinda want Hillary to win the US election

Just for the sheer irony of her sitting at the desk Monica was under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpgje/i_kinda_want_hillary_to_win_the_us_election/
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Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off

He's dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what's left of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpcdq/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_had_his_right_side/
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What does a jewish pedophile say to a kid

Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rpbjz/what_does_a_jewish_pedophile_say_to_a_kid/
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$10 Complaint

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rp9a2/10_complaint/
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A Buddhist was struggling to complete his jigsaw puzzle

He just needed to find his inner piece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4roxxs/a_buddhist_was_struggling_to_complete_his_jigsaw/
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I've found a great 24-hour Indian restaurant

It's my favorite nonstop naan-stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4roxvv/ive_found_a_great_24hour_indian_restaurant/
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In Soviet Russia, the government own businesses. In Capitalist America, businesses own the government.

*Insert edgy quotes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4row6p/in_soviet_russia_the_government_own_businesses_in/
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Lorena Bobbitt died :/

Car accident. Some dick cut her off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rovrm/lorena_bobbitt_died/
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A counterfeiter accidentally prints a $15 note..

not wanting to waste it, he decides to use it in the remote rural part of the country, hoping that the simple folks there could be convinced that it is a new note in circulation.
So he drives to a remote town and while staying at a motel, decides to con the owner.
He walks upto the vending machine and acts frustrated, seeing this the old owner walks upto him and asks if everything's ok? To which he replies
"I really need a snack, but all i've got is this $15 note, it'd be great if you could give me a change for it". The owner agrees, takes the note and looks in his wallet.
"Son, all i've got is $14", hearing this the counterfeiter thinks its better than nothing and says "Not a big a deal"
The owner then gives him two $7 notes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rossw/a_counterfeiter_accidentally_prints_a_15_note/
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Best African soccer team EVER!

the French National team...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ront1/best_african_soccer_team_ever/
%
I dig, She digs, He digs, They dig, We all dig....

Its a beautiful poem....very deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ron7w/i_dig_she_digs_he_digs_they_dig_we_all_dig/
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"You wanna play the rape game?"

"-No!"
"-That's the spirit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rokc3/you_wanna_play_the_rape_game/
%
Why did the alcoholic never realize his dream of becoming a lawyer?

He just couldn't pass the BAR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4roezq/why_did_the_alcoholic_never_realize_his_dream_of/
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what's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4roco1/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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LA police are hunting for a man after 12 people were stabbed in the ass...

LA police are hunting for a man after 12 people were stabbed in the ass with a knitting needle tonight.
The motive is unclear, but they believe the attacker is following some kind of pattern...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4robwm/la_police_are_hunting_for_a_man_after_12_people/
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If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you...

I would definitely think about you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4roaz7/if_i_had_a_dime_for_everytime_i_thought_about_you/
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What did Neuer say to Buffon after the match....

GG Buffon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ro9dl/what_did_neuer_say_to_buffon_after_the_match/
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My new bucket really does its job well.

My old one pails in comparison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ro94j/my_new_bucket_really_does_its_job_well/
%
I hate it when people make fun of the disabled

They can't even stand up for themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ro818/i_hate_it_when_people_make_fun_of_the_disabled/
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And the Oscar goes to...

Jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ro5ok/and_the_oscar_goes_to/
%
Helen Keller walked into a bar...

and then a table, and then a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ro4ue/helen_keller_walked_into_a_bar/
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Erectile Dysfunction

Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ro20z/erectile_dysfunction/
%
A guy with a Speech impediment walks into a jeweller's

And asks for a cock.
The jeweller thinks for a moment and asks "You mean a clock?".
The man replies "That's what I said", and buys the clock, and leaves to continue shopping.
He's now getting a little hungry so he walks into a bakers.
The man asks for a bum.
The baker, a little confused, thinks for a moment and asks "Do you mean a bun?".
The man replies "That's what I said.".
The man gets his bun and leaves the bakers.
He then goes to a train station and asks for a licket.
The assistant is confused until the man points to what he wants.
The assistant replies "Ah, you want a Ticket."
The man buys the Train Ticket and continues on to the Train Platform to wait for his Train
A Women walks up to him and asks "Do you have the time?"
The man replies, "Of course. Just hold my bum and licket while I get my cock out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rnzr1/a_guy_with_a_speech_impediment_walks_into_a/
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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rny8e/not_having_sex_tonight/
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Wedding

At a wedding, the pastor asked all the married men in the crowd to put their arm over the person who makes their life worth living. The bartender was crushed to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rnxdg/wedding/
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A man walks out of a bar...

He realizes he must be drunk after having seen an Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman drinking together, A horse, 2 chemists (one dead), a piano player, a dog, a monkey, an octopus, 007, an ostrich as well as a befuddled bartender tending to countless men walking into the bar...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rns9u/a_man_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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Camouflage training

"Soldier!"
"Yes, sergeant!"
"I haven't seen you at camouflage training today!"
"Thank you, sergeant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rno3z/camouflage_training/
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What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?

Amhere.
What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel.
What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rnmju/what_do_you_call_the_first_afghan_off_the_boat/
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Scientist have found out that birthdays are healthy.

Scientists have discovered that people with more birthdays tend to live longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rnm8j/scientist_have_found_out_that_birthdays_are/
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Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rnla7/sometimes_it_is_very_important_if_a_sentence_was/
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What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rnkb8/what_do_you_call_a_bulletproof_irishman/
%
Oscar Pistorious wanted to buy a new bathroom door

His girlfriend was dead against is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rnigp/oscar_pistorious_wanted_to_buy_a_new_bathroom_door/
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I'm an oceanographer working at the Mariana trench.

I love my job but its starting to effect my sex life.
I'm under a lot of pressure at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rni18/im_an_oceanographer_working_at_the_mariana_trench/
%
While on a walk two men pass a bar...

Two friends are out walking their dogs on a hot summer day when they pass a bar.
"Let's stop and grab a drink"
"They don't allow pets - let's just keep going"
"Follow my lead"
The first man walks into the bar, his dog in tow.
"Sorry but we don't allow dogs in here."
"Excuse me but this is my seeing eye dog."
The bartender gives the man and the dog a once over. Seeing his sunglasses and a German Shepard, he quickly apologizes "Pardon me sir, first round is on the house!"
He quickly flashes a smile back at his friend and makes his way to a table.
The second man walks in, with both sunglasses and dog, doing his best to mimic the confidence his friend wielded.
"Umm, sorry but we do not allow pets here."
"Well excuse me but this is my seeing eye dog."
The bartender narrows his gaze and sighs.
"You're telling me that Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?"
Taking a moment to collect himself, the friend says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rndmn/while_on_a_walk_two_men_pass_a_bar/
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They should call Jupiter JEWpiter

Because its a gas planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rnbkl/they_should_call_jupiter_jewpiter/
%
My mom asked me how my cooking final was

I said it was a piece of cake :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rn5lh/my_mom_asked_me_how_my_cooking_final_was/
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A Blond, Brunette and a Redhead go to a Bar

They come up to the bartender and the bartender says "we have a magic mirror in the girl's bathroom,  if you tell it a truth about yourself you'll get free drinks and if you tell it a lie it will kill you." Excited, the brunette rushes to the bathroom and says "I think I'm the prettiest out of the three of us." The mirror gives the brunette a voucher for free drinks. Next, the redhead rushes to the bathroom seeing as her best friend had gotten free drinks and says "I think I have the best hair in the group." The mirror gives the redhead a voucher for free drinks and she rushes out. The blonde is so surprised, she runs to the bathroom to test it and says "I think-" and immediately dies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rn3ny/a_blond_brunette_and_a_redhead_go_to_a_bar/
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What do you call a group of invading pirates?

An **Arrr**my

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rn3e7/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_invading_pirates/
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I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't really know Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rn2wb/im_good_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It's called Trycoxagain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rmznm/a_new_drug_has_been_developed_for_lesbians_with/
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What did the Leper say to the Prostitute after they finished?

"Keep the tip."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rmxiw/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute_after/
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3 Pints of Desi Beer

Santa walks into a bar, orders 3 pints of  'desi beer' and sits in the back of the room, drinking and sipping out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." Santa replies, " Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Dubai, and I'm here in England. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
Santa becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders 3 pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only 2 pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, " I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your great loss." Santa looks confused for a moment, then understanding dawns on him and he laughs. " Oh no," he says, "Everyone's fine. It's just that I've now quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rmt3y/3_pints_of_desi_beer/
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As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rmqx8/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/
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If the opposite of "pro" is "con"……

Then the opposite of "progress" would be "congress"
I^will^see^myself^out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rmqr2/if_the_opposite_of_pro_is_con/
%
Who always wins the insect election?

The lesser of two weevils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rmqa6/who_always_wins_the_insect_election/
%
There was once a priesr who went to see the world after taking his oath.

There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath. After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
- Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger's hand and immediately he asked:
- Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn't in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn't even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
- Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon.
- Don't mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! - by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn't follow because he couldn't swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km's away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man:
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger:
- Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? - the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn't care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard.
- Priest, please be good... - the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked:
- Son, why do you need it for God's sake? - the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village's locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time.
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
- There you go, son - handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger's arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked:
- But what do you need it for?! - panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest's hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest's face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest's fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked:
- Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I'm very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it?
- All right, priest ... - came the answer in a trembling tone - I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone.
The priest was good, and never told anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rmmqx/there_was_once_a_priesr_who_went_to_see_the_world/
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An ex girlfriend of mine had a Cockatoo, that fucking thing would never shut up ...

but her bird was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rmm58/an_ex_girlfriend_of_mine_had_a_cockatoo_that/
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Mama whale and Papa whale ...

... swim and look upon sailors coming towards them. The sailors are on small boats and have their spear in hand.
Papa whale says to mama whale:
-"They're hunting us, we should make bubbles and tip them over."
The mama whale agrees. They dive underneath the ships and blow so many bubbles that the ships capsize and the sailors fall into the water, but they still have their spears in their hands. Papa whale is still weary.
He says to mama whale:
-"We should eat them".
Mama whale says:
-"Listen, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rmiqe/mama_whale_and_papa_whale/
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Why do white girls walk in odd numbers?

Because they can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rmhg5/why_do_white_girls_walk_in_odd_numbers/
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Hey man, why do you have all these self help books on your floor?

I hate my shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rmgcv/hey_man_why_do_you_have_all_these_self_help_books/
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Did you hear about helicopter that crashed into that graveyard?

Police have so far recovered 54 bodies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rmft8/did_you_hear_about_helicopter_that_crashed_into/
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What do you call a fist fight at noon?

A lunchbox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rmai2/what_do_you_call_a_fist_fight_at_noon/
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What do identical stars do?

Twin-kle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rm8os/what_do_identical_stars_do/
%
Ever hear about that guy who sued the door factory?

It was an open and shut case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rm845/ever_hear_about_that_guy_who_sued_the_door_factory/
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TIFU By Eating My Boss's Sandwich

Oops wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rm2w9/tifu_by_eating_my_bosss_sandwich/
%
What do you call a virgin redneck?

An orphan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rm2ts/what_do_you_call_a_virgin_redneck/
%
A horse walks into a bar....

The bartender asks why the long face? The horse Lacking a cognitive perspective or ability to understand the English language. He looks at the bartender abruptly shits on the floor and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rlxgs/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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When a clock is hungry...

it goes back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rlwtv/when_a_clock_is_hungry/
%
A man and his wife are touring Egypt.

While looking at the pyramids, a local merchant calls them over. He offers the man 100 camels in exchange for his wife. The man takes a few minutes, but ultimately refuses the offer and the two go on their way. A bit later the man's wife asks him, "What took you so long to say no?". The man replies, "I was trying to think of a way to bring 100 camels back home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rlv4q/a_man_and_his_wife_are_touring_egypt/
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Whats the Diffrence Between Hitler and Usain Bolt?

One can acctualy finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rls28/whats_the_diffrence_between_hitler_and_usain_bolt/
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A bottle of wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
&nbsp;
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
&nbsp;
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
&nbsp;
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
&nbsp;
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
&nbsp;
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
&nbsp;
'Good trade.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rlrfd/a_bottle_of_wine/
%
A blind man walks into a bar..

And a table. And a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rlquo/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

In order to concentrate superior combat strength in one place,
economy of force must be exercised in other places.
Economy of force requires the acceptance of prudent risks in
selected areas to achieve superiority at the point of decision.
One account has it that Napoleon allowed a subordinate
to draw up a plan for the disposition of his troops.
Not knowing what the Emperor wanted, the subordinate
distributed the forces equally in neat little groups
along the border. On seeing it Napolean remarked
"Very pretty, but what do you expect them to do?
Collect customs duties?".
Napoleon never encamped or entrenched,
it was the general maxim of the war -
- where is the enemy ? Let us go and fight him !
"The strength of an army, like the power in mechanics,
is estimated by multiplying the mass by the rapidity;
a rapid march augments the morale of an army,
and increases its means of victory. Press on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rlqm9/where_did_napoleon_keep_his_armies/
%
Oscar Pistorious

That sounds like a spell Harry Potter uses to make your legs fall off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rlp0z/oscar_pistorious/
%
Capitalization...

It's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rlnnm/capitalization/
%
What do you call a group of medical professionals who navigate around the Horn of Africa without being accosted by pirates?

Doctors without boarders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rlnge/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_medical_professionals/
%
And the Oscar goes too..........

Prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rlmjv/and_the_oscar_goes_too/
%
I was gonna post a joke about me being a shitty seller on eBay

But my delivery has horrible timing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rllkd/i_was_gonna_post_a_joke_about_me_being_a_shitty/
%
A boomerang walks into a bar...

Bartender says, "Hey, I thought I threw you out of here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rlfzk/a_boomerang_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A Scottish man is walking down the street wearing a kilt.

A young woman approaches the man and asks,"Are ye a true Scotsman under that kilt there?"
The man replies "Why don' ye stick yer hand up there an' find out feryerself"
So the woman reaches under the man's kilt and quickly pulls it back yelling "It's gruesome"
To which the man replies "Aye lass, but why don' ye stick yer hand up there again. I think it just grew some more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rlf5e/a_scottish_man_is_walking_down_the_street_wearing/
%
An Old guy sits at a bar and starts drinking...

...he drinks and drinks until he is quite drunk...
Then a HUGE and very menacing looking guy enters the bar and sits next to the old drunk guy and asks for a beer... after a while the old guy turns to the huge fellow and spurts out:
-"you know... i fucked your mother"
The bartender just freezes and looks over at the huge guy... he just looks at the drunk man and grunts as he understands its only an old drunk fellow mouthing off...
But then the old guy says:
-"yeah... i fucked her, and i have to say, i also fucked her up the ass!"
The big guy ignores the guy, but looks a bit annoyed.
The old guy turns around, and he seems to be over talking, but he then says to himself clearly speaking so the big guy can hear him:
-"you know what?? i just remembered, i also came in your MOTHERS FACE!!!"
The big guys still says nothing... but is clearly starting to lose his temper...
So the old guy yells "YEAH I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER UP THE ASS, CAME ON HER FACE AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE... SHE SWALLOWS!! THE DIRTY WHORE!"
The whole bar is totally silent, and The big guy cant take it anymore, he stands up making his stool fall to the floor loudly, he turns over to the old guy and says "lets go home Dad, you are way too drunk..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rle93/an_old_guy_sits_at_a_bar_and_starts_drinking/
%
Why did the photon stop drinking after traveling 670 million miles?

because Happy Hour ended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rl9vc/why_did_the_photon_stop_drinking_after_traveling/
%
How to lose weight easy

Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rl8xm/how_to_lose_weight_easy/
%
What is it called when Al Gore comes up with a solution to a problem?

An Al-Gore-ithm.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rl8hs/what_is_it_called_when_al_gore_comes_up_with_a/
%
A pirate walks into a bar.

He has the helm of a ship sticking out of his pants.  The bartender very timidly asks him if he would like a drink.
"Arrrgh I'll have a pint of grog!"
The bartender gets him his drink, and everyone in the bar starts to whisper to each other about the pirate.
After his third glass of grog, the bartender walks up to the pirate and says, "hey buddy, everybody is wondering, what's with the steering wheel sticking out your pants?"
"Arrrgh its me wife.  She's been driving me nuts all day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rl84l/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A Date joke

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rl6xy/a_date_joke/
%
When you're trying to kill a clown...

Go for the jugular.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rl6eb/when_youre_trying_to_kill_a_clown/
%
New guy at work is getting all the attention because of his third nipple...

He wont stop milking it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rl4wb/new_guy_at_work_is_getting_all_the_attention/
%
Two men walk into a bar....

The third one ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rl45t/two_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I gave a homeless man 10 dollars and told him, "I want to make sure you find something good to eat". After watching him come out of the store with a pack of cigarettes I was quite upset

His stomach was too after I made sure he ate them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rl3p3/i_gave_a_homeless_man_10_dollars_and_told_him_i/
%
Man goes into a brothel...

He asks for the best and most experienced prostitute there. He tells her he has been having boring sex with his wife and he needs something new. She asks him "have you had sex in every orifice?" He thinks about for a bit... "yeah" he replies.
So she takes out her eyeball and says "go on, fuck me there". He fucks her eyeball, cums and he loves it. He says "that was great, im coming back next week!"
She says "okay, i will keep an eye out for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rl37b/man_goes_into_a_brothel/
%
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practice and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it is a Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!"
The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking towelhead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rl319/two_syrian_refugees_compete_to_see_who_can_become/
%
If the 2008 election was about Hope and Change, what is 2016?

Fear and Loathing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rl0gq/if_the_2008_election_was_about_hope_and_change/
%
Wheelchair tax

The new tax on wheelchairs has been met with major resistance, with some users refusing to stand for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rkzqn/wheelchair_tax/
%
What's brown and rhymes with snoop...?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rkxwp/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Three members of the KKK walk into a bar...

They sit at the back in full costume.
The first Klansman thinks to himself, "If the black guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"
The second Klansman thinks to himself, "If the gay guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"
The third Klansman thinks to himself, "If someone pulls off my hood, the gay black guy at the bar will recognize me from last night, and these two will kill me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rkwp0/three_members_of_the_kkk_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Cemetery joke

Man walks into a cemetery- "You have any openings?"  The graves keeper nods "Lots!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rkweh/cemetery_joke/
%
A man walks into a store...

...and sees a man yelling at a visibly distressed cashier before leaving the store disgruntled.
The man walks to the cashier and asks her if she is ok.
"Yeah, it's just that some people can be really mean sometimes"
"Oh, trust me, I know. But anyway, could I buy a postcard?"
"Oh, of course, big or small size?"
"Big, but please hurry, my bus is leaving soon."
"Of course sir, but do you want one with a picture of the city or nature?"
The man sees the bus has arrived at the station.
"Nature, but please hurry"
"Ok sir, do you want one with trees or one with animals?"
The last of the passengers are on the bus and the doors are closing.
"Whatever, animals, just please hurry!"
"Ok, what animal, we have elk, bears, eagles..."
"EAGLES, just hurry up, please!"
The bus is leaving the station
"Ok, sir, do you want one where the eagle is in its nest, or when its flying?"
"Just give me the flying one, my bus..."
At this point, the man that had stormed out earlier enters the store, carying a shit in his hand.
"TOILET PAPER FOR THIS KIND OF SHIT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rkt5p/a_man_walks_into_a_store/
%
What did the starving, homeless couple say to the nurse outside the abortion clinic?

Fetus please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rks75/what_did_the_starving_homeless_couple_say_to_the/
%
Why did the carpenter join the army?

Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rkr2m/why_did_the_carpenter_join_the_army/
%
Moron of the year.

Every year a group of people meet. No one know how long this has been happening, it just does.
The moron of the year from the previous year stands on a stage and holds up an item. He describes it, then anyone from the crowed may take a guess as to what this item is. The one who guesses correctly wins. that person is the new Moron of the Year.
One year the item is held up, it has two wheels and you can ride it. After many guesses someone yell out, A Bicycle! TaaaaDaaaa! Moron of the year.
The next year the same, it has little beads in it, you can sit on it as it forms to your shape. Some one yells out, A Bean Bag! TaaaaDaaaa! Moron of the year.
Today the item is held out, it comes in a tube you squeeze it out of the tube and you clean your teeth with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rkqny/moron_of_the_year/
%
My therapist told me..

My therapist told me that I have a fear of confrontation.
I didn't agree with her but I held my tongue in case it caused an argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rkq3k/my_therapist_told_me/
%
Bready dispute

I heard a couple of Pakistani friends of mine arguing for hours about bread rolls.
It was much Urdu about muffins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rkoto/bready_dispute/
%
what's worse than being adopted?

finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rknwv/whats_worse_than_being_adopted/
%
I like my girls like Shrek...

Big boned and with an ass that talks back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rkn3w/i_like_my_girls_like_shrek/
%
What ghost did Ebenezer Scrooge encounter when he refurnished his home?

The shadow of his former shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rkk5p/what_ghost_did_ebenezer_scrooge_encounter_when_he/
%
A german walks into a library and asks for a book on war

The librarian replies "No mate, you'll lose it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rkh7w/a_german_walks_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book/
%
A girl ask her mom how much she weighs

The mom replies, "That is not a question you ask other people." As the girl is walking to school her friend recommends looking at her mom's drivers licence because it has all her mom's  information. The girl then proceeds to look at her mom's drivers license and then reproaches her mom and says "you weigh 135lbs! And you are also 5' 6" tall." The mom replies "you're correct" the girl continues to say "I also know why daddy broke up with you!" The shocked mother then inquires how the little girl knows. The little girl says "Because you got an F in sex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rkcy9/a_girl_ask_her_mom_how_much_she_weighs/
%
TIFU by rear ending a car over the holiday weekend

In most states, it's against the law to text and drive and sure enough I was trying to do one of those quick replies to a text I just received by holding the phone down and out of sight.
As fate would have it, the car in front of me stopped short and given I was looking down for that brief second, I ended up hitting it - startling me and causing me to drop my phone on the floor.
Getting my wits about me, I realized that I wasn't hurt as the airbags didn't even deploy so the damage must be minimal.  I then reached down to find my phone so if I had to call the police to come take a report, I could do so.
It was at that point that when I sat back up that I now see the driver's door swing open rather abruptly and I knew this wasn't going to be fun.  However what happened next, I truly did not expect.
A little man, maybe 4' tall pops out of the car door and is now directly facing me and he looks less than pleased, most likely because no-one wants to be in an accident - much less for the holiday weekend.
Anyways I get out of my car ready to apologize and see the amount of damage I caused by my stupidity figuring we can swap info and be on our way.
However this man of small stature looks right up at me and yells in a rather angry tone:
"I'm not happy!"
Of which my FU occurs as I yell back:
"Then which one are you then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rk80e/tifu_by_rear_ending_a_car_over_the_holiday_weekend/
%
Just finished the 5th book...

In the 'Learning to count' trilogy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rk6zv/just_finished_the_5th_book/
%
Here in England, we drive on the right side of the road.

If we drove on the wrong side, there'd be a lot more crashes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rk3r7/here_in_england_we_drive_on_the_right_side_of_the/
%
What is the only result for Ear-rape?

Hearing AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rk2p7/what_is_the_only_result_for_earrape/
%
[Long] The Tale of Two Horses (Very Long)

Once upon a time, there was a farmer who owned a small farm. He didn’t have many animals, but he did have two he loved immensely: his dog Spot, and his prize winning race horse, the fastest horse ever to run in the Kentucky Derby, Bolt. One day, the farmer and Spot were in the stables to watch a mare give birth to Bolt’s child. But to their surprise, the mare gave birth to not one, but two, strong, healthy foals. The farmer named the first born Buck and the second Casper.
From the very beginning, Buck and Casper shared their father’s competitive spirit. Within seconds of both being born, Buck looks at Casper and says “Hey brother! Let’s see who can stand up first.” Casper agreed, “Challenge accepted.” Buck tried to stand first, got half-way erect, and then fell over. Next Casper tried to stand, made it all the way up, wobbled, and fell down. Spot and the farmer watched intently, as this continued back and forth for a couple minutes, each brother standing a little longer than the other, until eventually Buck stood up and remained standing. “I win!” exclaimed Buck. “You sure did,” Casper replied “but it was very close. I know I’ll win next time!”
Some time passes, and the farmer decides that Buck and Casper are now old enough to be let out of the stables and explore the farm. The farmer, Spot and all the other animals gather around to watch the two young horses get their first taste of the outdoors. As soon as the two foals exit the stables, Buck turns to Casper and says “You see that fence across the field? Let’s have a race! First one to the fence and back wins.” “You’re on!” Casper replies.
And so the two horses take off towards the fence. First, Buck takes the lead, then Casper pulls ahead, then Buck takes the lead again as they reach the fence. On the way back the two horses are neck-and-neck, Casper ahead one second, Buck the next. Casper gives his all and takes a slight lead. “I’m going to win” he excitedly thinks, but at the last second Buck has a burst of speed and pulls ahead by a foot, winning the race. “I win!” Buck neighs loudly. “You sure did brother,” Casper replies “but that was very close. I’ll win the next race, I just know it.”
Having witnessed their race, the farmer decides to enter them in the next local horse derby. The farmer and Spot sit in the stands, watching with anticipation as the horses line up, Buck and Casper next to each other in lanes 3 and 4. “This is it! This is the race I’m going to beat you!” Casper says to Buck. “Probably brother! You are very fast and trained very hard” Buck says in return. At the sound of the gunshot, Buck and Casper take off out of the gates. They very quickly get way ahead of the other horses, and the two brothers stay neck-and-neck. First buck is ahead by a few inches, then Casper gets the lead, then Buck again, then Casper; back-and-forth until it seems like Casper finally has the lead. “I got it this time!” Casper whinnies in excitement, but suddenly Buck is right there next to him, and before Casper could dig deep for a burst of speed, they cross the finish line, Buck just a few inches ahead. “Drat!” Casper says, a little upset. “That was so close! I could taste victory.” “It was a very good race brother!” Buck says, “I’m very proud of you, that was the closest we’ve ever been. I thought you had it for sure.”
A few years pass of Buck and Casper racing, training, and growing. Year after year the farmer enters them into the races, year after year the farmer and Spot watch, and year after year Buck wins by a hair, with Casper getting closer and closer with each race. Finally, Buck and Casper are so fast and so famous – The Twin Bolts, they’re called – that they both get invited to compete in the Kentucky Derby. On the big day, the farmer and Spot watch from home on the TV as Buck and Casper wish each other luck, and go to their gates to await the race. The starting gun fires, and all the horses take off. This time it’s a very close race; all the horses stay tight in a pack for most of the track. But near the end, all the horses begin to tire and slow – all the horses except for Buck and Casper.
Casper manages to get a good lead, and he looks back to his brother and yells “I’m going to win this time, there’s nothing you can do!” But his cockiness got the better of him, and the farmer, Spot, and Buck all watched in horror as just before the finish line, Casper loses his footing and takes a terrible fall, knocking himself out.
After the race, Casper wakes up back home in the stables, Buck watching over him intently. “How do you feel Casper” Buck asks with concern, but Casper can think only of the race. “Did I win?” he asks. “Did I finally beat you?” Buck shakes his head solemnly “I’m afraid not brother. You stopped just in front of the finish line. The race was stopped because of your injury, but I was declared the winner since I was in second place.”
Casper is devastated by this news. “…but …I was going to win” he says sadly, trying to stand. But one of Casper’s front legs gives him a sharp pain, and he falls over. “Are you okay Casper?” Buck asks, concern heavy in his voice. “The vet said you broke your leg. You need to give it time to heal.”
And so he did, but time never fully healed his leg. For years, Casper stayed at the farm, limping as he tried to run, while Buck continued to win Derby after Derby, eventually breaking his father Bolt’s speed record and winning more Derbies than any other horse in memory. Spot would watch Casper from the porch, saddened by the state of the once proud equine.
Many years later, the farmer retires Buck from racing. The two horses, now old, spend most of their time in the stables, Casper always quiet and sad. One day, Buck turns to Casper and says “You know brother, I miss the old days when we would race side-by-side. What do you say to one last race, huh?” But Casper shakes his head and says “There’s no point. Even in my prime, I could never beat you. What chance do I have now that I am old and lame?” Saddened by his brother’s depression, Buck gets an idea. “You know what brother? You’re the reason I ran so fast. You inspired me, our whole lives, to push myself and be the best I could be. I always looked up to you.” This makes Casper a little happy, so Buck continues “I bet that you, my greatest inspiration, will beat me. There’s no way you’ll lose again, you’re too good”. “Alright,” Casper says, his spirits high for the first time in years “I’ll race you. To the fence and back, just like when we were kids. And this time I’ll win!”
As Buck and Casper exit the stables, Spot – now also very old – pads over to watch. The two horses start running, much slower than in previous years, but still with as much intensity as their younger selves would muster. Casper, his excitement allowing him to ignore his old injury, takes the lead. Buck, digging deep, catches up, and they continue neck-and-neck. On the final stretch, Casper pulls ahead. After so many years, he’d finally get to know what it felt like to be number one, first place, the winner. Casper had never felt more proud or excited than at this moment in his life. But just before as he reaches the barn, Buck bolts past him, winning by a hair. Casper is crushed.
Now Spot, who watched the young horses grow up from afar, gets angry at this. He walks up to Buck and growls “Why?! After all the years, after all your victories, why? You couldn’t let your brother have this one race? You just broke his heart!” To which Buck replies
“Holy shit, a talking dog!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rk2eh/long_the_tale_of_two_horses_very_long/
%
Will Apple ever release a product that lasts for more than a few years?

iDoubtit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rk27j/will_apple_ever_release_a_product_that_lasts_for/
%
What was the seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjzw4/what_was_the_seductive_sound/
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A pig walks ito a bar

ot aother bar joke. Just my fuckig  ' ' key is't workig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjzvf/a_pig_walks_ito_a_bar/
%
in mexico, we don't say "I love you"

cause we dont speak english.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjsdx/in_mexico_we_dont_say_i_love_you/
%
Dictinry for sell.

Never use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjpik/dictinry_for_sell/
%
Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven.

They ask God who did 911. God replies, "It was perpetrated by members of the Islamic terrorist group Al Qaeda."
One whispers to the other, "Dude, this goes way higher than I thought."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjphc/two_conspiracy_theorists_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
Why did the Bear dissolve in water?

He was polar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjp40/why_did_the_bear_dissolve_in_water/
%
What do you call a guy with a foot fetish?

Tobias!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjnxs/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_foot_fetish/
%
Did you hear about the Barcelona football star who got busted for tax evasion?

They said his tax returns were Messi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjno6/did_you_hear_about_the_barcelona_football_star/
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The Bar Joke That Got Me My Bestfriend

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender...
"I'll have a beer," he says.
"That'll be a dollar", replies the bartender.
"A dollar!?", shouts the man, "In that case, I will have a steak and a burger too."
The bartender says, "That will be two dollars."
The man exclaims, "What?! Where is the owner of this bar?"
"Upstairs with my wife", says the bartender.
"What's he doing with your wife?" asks the man.
The bartender responds, "The same thing I am doing to his business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjn0j/the_bar_joke_that_got_me_my_bestfriend/
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[body shape - help request] M, 18, struggling to get rid of a body fit for a 46 year old...

Seriously guys, do I cut it up or just bury it whole?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjm5t/body_shape_help_request_m_18_struggling_to_get/
%
In awkward situations I'll sometimes break out my braille version of Calvin and Hobbes.

You know - comic relief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjkzy/in_awkward_situations_ill_sometimes_break_out_my/
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I deleted all the German contacts out of my phone...

now its Hans free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjj87/i_deleted_all_the_german_contacts_out_of_my_phone/
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A man enters a pun contest...

He writes down 10 puns and puts them into a hat thinking at least one of them would win. Sadly, no pun in 10 did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjhdw/a_man_enters_a_pun_contest/
%
An old Egyptian joke my uncle told me.

At a border between two cities, a police officer sits in his hut, managing the border.
One day, a man comes riding on a bicycle with two bags. The police officer looks through the bag to find only sand. He gives the man on the bicycle a weird look, but tells him to pass. After all, it's only sand.
The next day, the same man on the bicycle passes through the border once again, with two bags. Again, the officer looks through them to find only sand. Another weird look, and the man passes through the border.
The police officer isn't the smartest of people, realizing the man could have been smuggling something within the sand.
Two days later, the same man passes on the bicycle, with two more bags of sand. The officer feels through the sand, finding just rocks this time. The officer is now just plainly weirded out but still lets him pass.
Two other events where the man on the bicycle passes through the border occur, and the officer is starting to get fed up more and more each time.
He pulls a gun on the man, asking violently, "Tell me what you're smuggling right now or your brains are blown off."
The man calmly replies, "Bicycles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjgmc/an_old_egyptian_joke_my_uncle_told_me/
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Ten solders

Ten soldiers are camping in a forest, when two thieves try to steal from them and are caught. The soldiers tell them, "We have to kill you now but since we are in a good mood we'll let you go provided you can make us all laugh". The thieves agree and the first one begins telling a very funny story. Nine of the soldiers are laughing their butts off except for one of them, so they tell the thief, "Sorry, you were funny but not all of us laughed so we have to kill you", and they kill him. The second thief isn't as funny plus now he's nervous so he tells a very boring story. Now nine of the soldiers aren't laughing except for the one who didn't laugh before, so they kill the second thief as well. After killing him the soldiers ask their friend, "Why did you laugh when it was a boring story but not when it was actually funny?", "Oh," he said, "when the second guy was talking, I understood what the first guy said, and it was damn funny"
^sorry ^for ^the ^bad ^english

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjfvc/ten_solders/
%
One time in band camp...

They threatened me with eternal torture.
Oh wait that was Bible camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjchs/one_time_in_band_camp/
%
What's the plural of "Referendum"?

Riots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rjc8g/whats_the_plural_of_referendum/
%
A long married couple sits in the kitchen.

The wife cooks something, while the husband sits at his table eagerly waiting for his meal. Suddenly the wife soils herself with tomato sauce and turns around to her loved one.
"Well, damn...Look at this, I look like a pig!"
To which the husband responds: "AND you soiled yourself..."
Sounds better in Viennese tongue...but, yeah...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rja55/a_long_married_couple_sits_in_the_kitchen/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

"Why the long face?" asks the bartender...
The horse replies, "I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from Sex in the City."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rj9cn/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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I would like to learn more about frequencies

But whenever I try to measure it, it only Hertz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rj5pt/i_would_like_to_learn_more_about_frequencies/
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Girlfriends are like phone apps

They come with in-app purchases, and need the reassurance of updates to function well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rj4n0/girlfriends_are_like_phone_apps/
%
Me and my girlfriend bought a copy of the Kama Sutra to spice up our love life...

... I just can't seem to fit it inside her. Shouldn't have gotten the hardcover version I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4riz0i/me_and_my_girlfriend_bought_a_copy_of_the_kama/
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[OC] What did Remus Lupin say to Nymphadora Tonks?

I'm a-lookin'...
And I'm a lycan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4riwgl/oc_what_did_remus_lupin_say_to_nymphadora_tonks/
%
Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game

Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rivd8/lets_play_the_oscar_pistorius_drinking_game/
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A joke from WWII

A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier:
"How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?"
"Half a million within two days."
"And if we invade with a million troops?"
"We shoot twice and go home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ritrt/a_joke_from_wwii/
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How are a hobo and a balloon alike?

Both are without visible means of support.
(My son found that in a children's joke book)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ripgd/how_are_a_hobo_and_a_balloon_alike/
%
My boyfriend and I are Cherokee Indians. He stood me up at our favorite restaurant last night...

But it's OK.  I don't think we could have stayed anyway,  we didn't have a reservation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rin8n/my_boyfriend_and_i_are_cherokee_indians_he_stood/
%
A group of engineering professors board a plane to a conference...

After they are all seated in their row, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic. When they notice one professor stayed seated, they ask him "why are you so calm right now?" The engineer answers "If I know my students well, and they really did build this plane, then I can say with 100% certainty that this shit will never even turn on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rilfn/a_group_of_engineering_professors_board_a_plane/
%
I've just got my own valet and found people treat you completely differently.

He's opened a lot of doors for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rikaw/ive_just_got_my_own_valet_and_found_people_treat/
%
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken...

The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rigjb/a_guy_asks_his_waiter_at_a_restaurant_how_they/
%
This post is a broken pencil

It is pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rigan/this_post_is_a_broken_pencil/
%
What's Whitney Houston's favorite coordination?

Hand eyyyyyyyyyyeeeeee......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rid8k/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_coordination/
%
What happens when a Chinese man with a boner runs into a wall?

He breaks his nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ri3jt/what_happens_when_a_chinese_man_with_a_boner_runs/
%
What do you get if you rub an eggplant?

A little aubergenie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ri1ao/what_do_you_get_if_you_rub_an_eggplant/
%
What happens when you give a cow a joint?

The steaks are high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rhuxl/what_happens_when_you_give_a_cow_a_joint/
%
where do babies come from

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rhtwx/where_do_babies_come_from/
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What's a Pirate's least favorite letter?

A copyright infringement notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rhr3a/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rhq8m/i_once_killed_an_enemy_soldier_by_cutting_off_his/
%
Jokes are like packages.

While the content is important you mustn't forget about the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rhlrf/jokes_are_like_packages/
%
Why did barbie never get pregnant?

Because ken came in a different box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rhfsl/why_did_barbie_never_get_pregnant/
%
Why does Britain love tea so much?

Because tea leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rhfoq/why_does_britain_love_tea_so_much/
%
What do you get when you mix a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rheax/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_dyslexic_an/
%
Why did the Agnostic cross the road?

We don't have enough evidence to say for sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rhd8g/why_did_the_agnostic_cross_the_road/
%
What is black and rhymes with Snoop Dogg?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rhbwx/what_is_black_and_rhymes_with_snoop_dogg/
%
Two Italian men on the subway...

... were talking with thick accents. One says to the other, "First, Emma come. Then I come. Two asses. I come a second time, and, again, two asses. I come a third time, pee twice, and I come one last time.
A lady within earshot walks up and tells the guy speaking, "I think it's shameful the way you talk about your sex life in public!" He replies, "Sex life? Lady, I'm a telling my friend how to spell a Mississippi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rhbhi/two_italian_men_on_the_subway/
%
What's a pirates favourite letter?

P, because without it they're irate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rharh/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
%
How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rh8z5/how_many_super_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Two guys are wasted on the rooftop bar of a skyscraper.....

..and the bartender steps out for a minute.
First drunk guy: I'll let you in on a lil secret- there's an up draft of air current so strong on the north side of this skyscraper that you can float in mid air right off the edge of the roof.
Second drunk guy: I might be shit faced but I'm not stupid.
First drunk guy: Ok - watch this.
First drunk guy proceeds to step off the edge of the roof and walk a few feet away from the roof's edge and clearly floats in the air.
Second drunk guy : WTF?!?!??! How'd you do that???
First drunk guy : I told you - the up draft is THAT strong.
Second drunk guy : THAT CAN'T BE!!
So the first drunk guy proceeds to walk in the air to the the left then a little to the right.
Second drunk guy : DAMM!!!! ------ Let me try it!
Second drunk guy proceeds to step off the edge of the roof at the same point as the first drunk guy and falls straight down - hits the pavement below and dies.
Just then bartender returns and takes a look down at the commotion on the street below and turns to the first drunk guy.....
Bartender : Superman - you know you're a real dick when you're drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rh7ye/two_guys_are_wasted_on_the_rooftop_bar_of_a/
%
My friend said after getting his second divorce that he forgot what pussy looks like...

But he knows what a cunt looks like

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rh6a7/my_friend_said_after_getting_his_second_divorce/
%
People doubt me when I mention how accepting Canada is towards the LGBT community.

But it's Trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rh2kx/people_doubt_me_when_i_mention_how_accepting/
%
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rh2ap/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
%
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?

Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rgzc1/hey_baby_are_you_a_cloud_server/
%
Did you hear about what happened when the anime studio tried to make a sex-ed video?

Kids kept getting confused about why the octopus was showing up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rgwjv/did_you_hear_about_what_happened_when_the_anime/
%
While in bed, my girlfriend screamed, "Oh my god, it's so big!"

Then I saw the spider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rgw60/while_in_bed_my_girlfriend_screamed_oh_my_god_its/
%
Hey Europe you look a great.

Have you lost a few pounds?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rgv2q/hey_europe_you_look_a_great/
%
The Bank Deposit

A man walks into a bank and goes up to the counter, "I want to open a fucking checking account." The banker is completely shocked at what she heard, "Sir, could you please not use that kind of language in here." "What's your problem. All I want to do is open a fucking checking account!" "Sir, please calm down." "That's it, let me talk to your fucking manager!" The banker goes to the back and tells the manager about the unruly customer. "Don't worry, I'll handle this," the manager reassured her. "Is there something wrong sir? I'll have you know that I will not tolerate any disrespect toward my employees as I personally hired every single one of them." the manager said confidently. "What the fuck is your problem?! All I want to do is open a fucking checking account and deposit a million dollars." After a long pause the manager asked, "Is this bitch giving you any trouble?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rguad/the_bank_deposit/
%
[NSFW] A man sees a woman on the beach with no arms or legs

As he passes her, she asks, "Sir, I feel so lonely, would you please give me a hug?"
The man hesitates but decides to give in and gives her a hug.
The next day the man is walking along the beach again and he sees the same woman laying in the same spot.
She sees him and says, "Sir, I am so sad, would you please give me a kiss? Just one kiss!"
The man hesitates again, but decides that he'll give her a kiss.
On the third day the man once again sees the same woman.
Once she spots him she asks, "Sir, I am so unhappy and I'll be single forever, will you please just fuck me? Just one time please!
So the man picks up the woman and throws her in the ocean and tells her, "There, you're fucked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rgtnt/nsfw_a_man_sees_a_woman_on_the_beach_with_no_arms/
%
How do we know Mayberry's Andy Taylor was a Redditor?

He had sex with Opie's mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rgr7u/how_do_we_know_mayberrys_andy_taylor_was_a/
%
A snail gets robbed by two turtles.

The police interview the snail, asking for descriptions of the suspects.
"I don't know," the snail says. "It all just happened so fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rgqr0/a_snail_gets_robbed_by_two_turtles/
%
A young woman goes to see her doctor

.
"I hope you can help me out, I've been breaking out in hives lately"
"We'll see what we can do, lets take a look"
The woman pulls her top off and the doctor sees a big rash on her chest, in what looks like the shape of a big letter 'Y'
Slightly embarrassed, the woman explains "I'm dating a guy who's going to Yale, and the whole college thing really turns me on, so I ask him to keep his varsity sweatshirt on when we have sex.  I guess my skin is reacting to the printing on it"
"I think I've got a topical cream that should do the trick", he writes her a prescription and sends her on her way.
Two months later, the woman comes back to get a re-fill.
"Lets take a look to be sure it isn't getting any worse"
She takes off her top and this time there's the imprint of a big letter 'M'
The doctor gives her a puzzled look and she smiles and explains: "I've started seeing a guy from MIT"
The doctor nods and writes out another prescription.
Two months later, she's back, and looking for another re-fill.  She takes her shirt off and again the doctor sees the big letter 'M'
"So, things are going well with that fella from MIT?"
"Not really", she blushes, "I met a girl from Washington State"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rgq33/a_young_woman_goes_to_see_her_doctor/
%
The Gorilla Catcher

A gorilla escapes from the zoo, so the city government hires a professional gorilla catcher to go and retrieve it. The gorilla catcher starts cruising around town in his pickup, until he comes to the suburbs. In the suburbs, he sees a gorilla on the roof of a house. He gets out of his pickup and walks up to the door, and rings the doorbell. A man comes to the door and the gorilla catcher says: "There's a gorilla on your roof, and I'm the gorilla catcher. I'm going to need your help to get him down." Together, they walk down to the pickup and the gorilla catcher gets his supplies out of the back. He takes out a baseball bat, a shotgun, a net, and a dog. He says to the man: "I'm going to climb up on the roof with the baseball bat and knock down the gorilla. When he hits the ground, the dog will run up and grab him by the balls. That's when you throw the net on him." The man asks: "Whats the shotgun for?" The gorilla catcher replies:"Sometimes the gorilla knocks me off the roof. If that happens, shoot the dog."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rgnpd/the_gorilla_catcher/
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Why did Eric Clapton switch from PC to Mac?

He had a bad experience with windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rgneh/why_did_eric_clapton_switch_from_pc_to_mac/
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Me to My Neighbour

we get it. you can hold your breath (*looks at watch*) for 19 days. Quit showing off and come out of that pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rgm7l/me_to_my_neighbour/
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A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".
The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of the European countries knew the meaning of "scarcity". The African nations did not know what "food" was. The Cubans were puzzled and asked for elaboration on the meaning of "opinion".
The Argentinians were not familiar with the word "please". The North Americans had no idea what was the so called "rest of the world". And the Brazilian congress is, to this day, debating what exactly is "honesty".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rglk5/a_brazilian_friend_told_me_this_joke_yesterday/
%
Why did the staff party go to jail?

Because they were in treble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rgip4/why_did_the_staff_party_go_to_jail/
%
What is it called when you get a bathroom hand job while listening to blues?

W.C. Handy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rggll/what_is_it_called_when_you_get_a_bathroom_hand/
%
Why do cemeteries have fences?

Because people are dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rggg3/why_do_cemeteries_have_fences/
%
Best pickup line ever

Girl are you a gorilla exhibit because I'm about to drop a baby in you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rgesa/best_pickup_line_ever/
%
My wife is a sex object

Every time I ask for sex she objects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rgbc7/my_wife_is_a_sex_object/
%
Karma is a weird name...

They should rename "karma" to "creddit"
They should also rename the "share" button to "spreaddit"
They should then also rename the "delete" button to "shreddit"
But they don't, and I don't geddit
* Eddit: Wow, I did not expect to get gold for that one. Thank you all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rg86q/karma_is_a_weird_name/
%
Yesterday I held a door open for a clown...

I thought it was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rg4p3/yesterday_i_held_a_door_open_for_a_clown/
%
So there I was, balls deep in a jar of mayonnaise. When I said to myself, "Self..."

"I shoulda made a sandwich first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rg4ly/so_there_i_was_balls_deep_in_a_jar_of_mayonnaise/
%
I keep having this reoccurring dream

Every night I dream I'm constantly changing between being a teepee and a wigwam. I went to the doctor and he told me "Calm down kid, you're two tents.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rg4k6/i_keep_having_this_reoccurring_dream/
%
Did you hear about the girl whose boobs disappear 5 minutes every day?

She suffers from short-term mammary loss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rg42j/did_you_hear_about_the_girl_whose_boobs_disappear/
%
If you put your right ear really close to your left knee and you listen...

...you can hear a voice say 'What the fuck are you doing?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rfwju/if_you_put_your_right_ear_really_close_to_your/
%
A woman asks her Milkman to fill her bath with milk..

He asks "Do you want that milk pasteurised?",
She replies "No, just up to my boobs please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rfwhe/a_woman_asks_her_milkman_to_fill_her_bath_with/
%
A Roman walks into a bar... (Latin joke)

A Roman walks into a bar and says "I'll have one martinus please." The bartender a little puzzled replies, "don't you mean one martini?" The Roman scoffs and says "oh please, if I wanted two I would have asked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rfvgg/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_latin_joke/
%
How to shower

**HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN**
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
**HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN**
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
*EDIT: Formatting*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rfuv6/how_to_shower/
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Why can't you keep a secret in a cornfield?

There's too many ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rfukv/why_cant_you_keep_a_secret_in_a_cornfield/
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My girlfriend is always complaining that I make fun of her weight all the time.

I just wish she'd just lighten up a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rfrv8/my_girlfriend_is_always_complaining_that_i_make/
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What's the difference between my jokes and my penis.

My jokes don't make women laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rfhwu/whats_the_difference_between_my_jokes_and_my_penis/
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rfh32/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
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Put a load in the dishwasher last night

She was mad I didn't pull out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rfdf9/put_a_load_in_the_dishwasher_last_night/
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My wife caught me checking out the nanny the other day.

She fired the nanny. Then she told me no more sex for a year!
I said, "You're firing the maid, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rfbgl/my_wife_caught_me_checking_out_the_nanny_the/
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The Middle Ages

Queen: Babe come to bed its late.
King: Not until I can come up with a cool name for my soldiers!
Queen: k night.
King: holy shit you're a genius!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rfaos/the_middle_ages/
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To the lady who keeps banging on my door at night..

I'm not letting you out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rf9rp/to_the_lady_who_keeps_banging_on_my_door_at_night/
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Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.
Although Hillary was vague about the details of her plans, she seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about her ideas for helping her “red sisters and brothers.”
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented Hillary with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud Hillary then departed in her motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to Hillary.
They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rf8tx/hillary_clinton_was_invited_to_address_a_major/
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Who needs light bulbs under a glass ceiling?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rf6ye/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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i'm working on a porn filtering app that would show only vanilla porn...

but I can't work out the kinks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rf6tl/im_working_on_a_porn_filtering_app_that_would/
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My remaining Scrabble tiles were PENSI, so I played the name of a long, hard body part ...

... SPINE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rf365/my_remaining_scrabble_tiles_were_pensi_so_i/
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A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex.

After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rey3f/a_little_boy_caught_his_mom_and_dad_having_sex/
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How fast can a woman fuck?

68km/h, because at 69 she flips over and blows a rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rexd5/how_fast_can_a_woman_fuck/
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She can't sleep (really long)

credit: Bill Moen, an 80's San Francisco Bay Area radio personality. Stuck with me for decades, I can still hear his voice telling it:
A couple are in bed and in the middle of the night she wakes up and gets to thinking and now can't sleep. Her husband turns over and she figures he's awake too so she decides to talk to him about stuff on her mind.
So she shakes him, and asks, "if I die do you think you'll remarry?"
The poor guy is actually dead asleep, but wakes up and half halfheartedly says, "what, oh yea sure." He begins to snore.
Now her mind is racing at this, so she wakes him again asking, "if I die and you remarry will you sleep with her in this bed?"  Now he's a little more awake and mutters, "yea sure, its a good bed, I'm going back to sleep."
Her mind is freaking out about this and pokes him awake again asking, "if I die and you remarry will you sleep with her in this bed in these sheets?" He's even more awake now a bit irritated, and says, "yea sure, its a good bed, nice sheets, nothing wrong with it, going to sleep now."
She can't believe it, after all these years together he's just so casual and nonchalant about sleeping with another woman in her bed, with her sheets she agonized to chose and she takes such pride to keep clean! Her mind races, what else will he do? Will he use her wedding ring? Will this woman drive her car? Her mind just can't shut down thinking of all this. So finally she decides to ask him about her stuff and figures she'd start with something easy asking, "If I die and you remarry will you let her use my golf clubs?"
Now the guy who just wants to sleep and has been woken up to answer all this what he considers nonsense, honestly quite a bit irritated over this, and says, "Well of course not."
Shocked she replies back, "well why not?"
He replies, "because she's left handed, now go to sleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4reveo/she_cant_sleep_really_long/
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What do pirates and pimps have in common?

They both say "YO HO!" and walk with a limp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ret1b/what_do_pirates_and_pimps_have_in_common/
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What's Hillary Clinton's favourite question?

How much to make this go away?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4reqok/whats_hillary_clintons_favourite_question/
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How many Edward Snowden's does it take to know what is going on in a Clinton administration?

**The server you are attempting to connect to has been unintentionally disabled, wiped, and burned. But not in a gross negligent manner. **

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4reoha/how_many_edward_snowdens_does_it_take_to_know/
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what's a good pick-up line in a gay bar?

Can I push your stool in?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4reofr/whats_a_good_pickup_line_in_a_gay_bar/
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A court ruled that sharing click-baits is punishable by death.

What happens next will shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4remhg/a_court_ruled_that_sharing_clickbaits_is/
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Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4reldt/hi_im_black_and_i_cant_stand_it_when_people/
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What's a pirate's favorite letter?

The P, because without it he'd be irate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4reknc/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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Jimmy brings his cat to school one day.

The teacher asks Jimmy why he brought he cat.
Jimmy starts to cry and says, "I heard my dad tell my mom that he was going to eat the pussy after I left for school!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rekhx/jimmy_brings_his_cat_to_school_one_day/
%
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rej2c/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
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A young Geordie lad moved to London

and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's fucked, you might as well gan fishing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ree2h/a_young_geordie_lad_moved_to_london/
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A man was walking in a park..

when suddenly he noticed his watch wasn't on his wrist. While looking for it, he saw a man stepping on what seemed to be his watch, while simultaneously making fun of a fat kid. So he punched the man square in the face. "No one makes fun of fat kids" he said, "not on my watch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4re96k/a_man_was_walking_in_a_park/
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Why is six afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4re4kj/why_is_six_afraid_of_7/
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BLONDE SUICIDE

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?' questioned the doctor.
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4re1lp/blonde_suicide/
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Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner.

She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say,
"The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rdv25/girlfriend_is_having_trouble_opening_an_oyster_at/
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What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?

Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle.
Extra:
What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans?  Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rdu9g/whats_the_difference_between_a_baptist_and_a/
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What's the difference between Hillary's e-mails and the UK leaving the EU?

Hillary got off Scott-free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rdqed/whats_the_difference_between_hillarys_emails_and/
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Three bats are hanging out in their cave

A large one, a medium one and a small one.
"I'm feeling hungry." Says the big one and flies out of the cave. He returns with a bloody face and asks "Do you guys remember the town by the hill?"
"We remember."
"Well forget about it. No one survived."
Few minutes later the medium bat says "I'm feeling hungry" and flies out of the cave. Comes back a few hours later covered in blood and asks the other bats "Do you guys remember that village by the forest?"
"We remember."
"Well forget about it. There were no survivors"
Finally the little bat says "I'm feeling hungry" and flies out of the cave. He comes back minutes later, his face covered in blood and asks the other bats "Do you guys remember that tree in front of our cave?"
"We remember."
"Well I forgot about it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rdmaq/three_bats_are_hanging_out_in_their_cave/
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What happens when Nigel Farage makes a promise?

He brexit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rdm3m/what_happens_when_nigel_farage_makes_a_promise/
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What's the difference between your work and your wife ?

In 5 years, your work will still suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rdjl2/whats_the_difference_between_your_work_and_your/
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I'm French and was at the bar with my Irish and Scottish friends

As we were leaving a crowd of rowdy South Africans start jibing them to fight.
The Irish man said" Boys, I've been smacking jokers since McGregor was a wee lad, get behind me and I'll sort 'em!"
The Scottish man, not to be outdone replied "Ahck, I'm stronger than ten men at the Highland guys. Get behind me lads and I'll finish this!"
I was going to finish this joke but I give up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rdhw3/im_french_and_was_at_the_bar_with_my_irish_and/
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Why can't a Chinese couple get a white baby?

Because two wongs don't make a white

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rdcyf/why_cant_a_chinese_couple_get_a_white_baby/
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So a guy gave his friends 10 puns to try and make him laugh.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rdclq/so_a_guy_gave_his_friends_10_puns_to_try_and_make/
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What would The Beatles have been called if Ringo never joined?

The Beatless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rdap3/what_would_the_beatles_have_been_called_if_ringo/
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Your Momma is like Communism

no class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rd6sd/your_momma_is_like_communism/
%
Two mathematicians walk into a bar...

and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: "I'll give you $5 is you answer "one-third x cubed" to the next question I ask you, ok?"
The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague: "I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem." He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her, "What is the indefinite integral of x squared?"
She responds, "one-third x cubed." The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying "plus a constant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rcw4d/two_mathematicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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When Beethoven died, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rcv0m/when_beethoven_died_he_was_buried_in_a_churchyard/
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This Exam Is FINAL

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Mississippi.  They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A".  These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends.
They had a great time, however, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Mississippi until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day.  The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.
The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points.  It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.
"Cool ," they thought.  "This is going to be easy."  They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page. It said: (95 Points).  Which tire?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rctmm/this_exam_is_final/
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What did Mike Tyson ask the really tired Norse god?

Are you Thor?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rcsna/what_did_mike_tyson_ask_the_really_tired_norse_god/
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What do you call 4 mexicans in quicksand

.
.
.
cuatro cinco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rco3n/what_do_you_call_4_mexicans_in_quicksand/
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Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window...

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rcmyl/since_it_started_raining_all_my_wife_has_done_is/
%
What's a pirates favorite letter?

Nope, it's the C that they love

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rcme2/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
I had a racing snail...

To make him more aero-dynamic I took off its shell. If anything it made him more sluggish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rcg3l/i_had_a_racing_snail/
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I bet I can piss into that glass

A guy walks into the bar, orders a pint of larger, downs the pint in one and slides the glass across the bar. He turns to the bartender and says "I bet you £500 I can piss into that glass, from here without missing a single drop."
The bartender says "You're on!".
Like lightening the guy jumps onto his stool and starts relieving himself all over the bar, I mean this guy gets it ALL over, he's pissing on the floor, the stools, the bar and even the bartender himself, he makes sure to give the bartender a good soaking. By the time he's finished the glass is empty but the bartender is drenched, his whole face is dripping with urine, but with a reassured smirk that he is now £500 the richer.
The bartender says to the man, chuckling, "You absolute idiot, that'll be £500 please".
The guy says "Absolutely, let me go get some money, here you can look after my things until I get back". The guy empties his pockets on a dry patch of the bar and leaves. He comes back a couple minutes later, counting out £500 and this time he is the one laughing to himself.
The bartender says to the man "What are you so happy about, you just lost £500!"
To which the man replies "I may have lost £500, but you see those men in the window, out front? I bet them £1,000 between them that not only would you let me piss on you, but that I could piss on you and you would be HAPPY about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rcfxd/i_bet_i_can_piss_into_that_glass/
%
I heard a rather nice story about a man who drank a lot...

...and his wife said, "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you." One night, he went out to a pub, drank a lot, and threw up all over his shirt. He said to his friend, "If I go home like this my wife will leave me." His friend, after a brief moment of thought, came up with an idea, "I'll tell you what, put a £20 note in your inside jacket pocket, go home, and show it to her. Tell her somebody threw up on you and he gave you the money for the dry cleaning bill."
He goes home and his wife, angry at the state of him, tells him she is leaving but he says, "No, no, no, somebody threw up on me and he put a £20 note in my jacket pocket for the dry cleaning bill." His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money, but then she asked, "Why have you got two £20 notes in there?" He replied, "Oh, the other is from the man who crapped in my pants."
Source: Sir Clement Freud (with some alterations)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rcf77/i_heard_a_rather_nice_story_about_a_man_who_drank/
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I was about to tell a hilarious joke about chemistry..

..but last time I did, I couldn't handle the reactions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rccx2/i_was_about_to_tell_a_hilarious_joke_about/
%
Why don't prostitutes vote?

They don't care who gets in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rcblk/why_dont_prostitutes_vote/
%
There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain...

There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain.
One night, this frustration boiled over, and he headed out to find a bordello - surely, if he was to find a woman to accommodate his size, it would be there.
As he walks into the parlor, he eyes a man behind the counter and tells him his troubles.
The man says, "Well, that's a pickle, but I'm Harold, the janitor.
You want to speak with Helga, the Headmistress," pointing to the side.
He walks over to her and repeats the story.
Money exchanges hands, and he's directed down the hall, first room on the left.
He's never actually been with a prostitute before, so some awkward conversation precludes intercourse.
In the act, he manages to get a third of the way in before she starts yelping in pain.
He pulls out, apologizes for the inconvenience, and goes back to the Headmistress.
She's a little taken aback, but still proposes a solution - second door, right side.
The man is a more than a little frustrated (and certainly a touch embarrassed), by this point, so no conversation occurs and he gets right into it.
A third goes in.
Then half.
She yelps.
He dismounts, and storms back to the Headmistress, not even bothering to put his clothes back on.
He demands a refund.
She tells him that she has one last option for him - if it doesn't work, she will gladly refund every penny of his purchase.
Last door on the left.
He goes in, and the room is very dark.
A woman lies on the bed, waiting for him.
He mounts her - a third of the way, half-way, and all the way in.
She offers no complaint.
Gleefully he begins thrusting, when to his horror (and the dim light) he notices she appears to be foaming from the mouth.
In a panic, he runs back to the Headmistress.
"That girl is foaming at the mouth! I think you need to call a doctor!"
The Headmistress rolls her eyes.
"For fuck's sake. Harold! The dead girl is full again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rc7dw/there_once_was_a_man_in_a_happy_marriage_save_for/
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I started a band call 999 megabytes

We haven't got a gig yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rc5uo/i_started_a_band_call_999_megabytes/
%
Black and white...

I've just woken up with black and white squares all over my face.
I'll have to get this checked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rc5k6/black_and_white/
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The Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news
is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rc52f/the_artist/
%
A drug dealer sold me his shoes today

I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rc1ke/a_drug_dealer_sold_me_his_shoes_today/
%
I managed to tell this joke to my gf during sex

(FYI: In Sweden we tell jokes about Norwegian people being stupid)
&nbsp;
me: Wanna hear a joke?
gf: Wtf, now? sure...
me: What does the Norwegian man do before he comes?
gf: No idea..
me: He knocks on the door
gf: *giggles while facepalming*
&nbsp;
A while later...
&nbsp;
me: knock knock
gf: Who's there?
me: The Norwegian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rbx1s/i_managed_to_tell_this_joke_to_my_gf_during_sex/
%
Why did the Pepsi executive get fired?

He tested positive for Coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rbvoj/why_did_the_pepsi_executive_get_fired/
%
So, God goes to different countries asking if they're interested in his commandments.

First, he tried the French. He said:
"Would you be interested in commandments?"
The French replied "what's in 'em?"
God said "Well, one is that you shall not commit adultery"
and the French said "no thanks."
Next God tried the Romanians. He asked if they would be interested in some commandments, to which the Romanians replied,
"what's in them?"
God said "well, one says you shall not steal..."
the Romanians say "no thanks."
Next, God tried Israel. He said, "do you want some commandments?"
They immediately said "how much?"
God said, "well, they're free, but you will hav-"
"We'll take ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rbs6a/so_god_goes_to_different_countries_asking_if/
%
Why don’t skeletons play music in church?

Because they got no organs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rbrcm/why_dont_skeletons_play_music_in_church/
%
If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country if trump wins I'm leaving the country.

Not a political repost I'm just getting deported

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rbqbj/if_hillary_wins_im_leaving_the_country_if_trump/
%
Hear about the guy who broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra?

The police are looking for a hardened criminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rbp80/hear_about_the_guy_who_broke_into_a_drug_store/
%
TIL sperm donors are paid $50 per donation.

It was devastating. Imagine all the money that has slipped through my fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rbgmo/til_sperm_donors_are_paid_50_per_donation/
%
I don't want my wife any longer.

Her height is perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rbfia/i_dont_want_my_wife_any_longer/
%
I have a Pakistani girl friend.

Last night she said that she wanted to blow me. Now I wasn't sure if I should lower my pants or call the cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rb7au/i_have_a_pakistani_girl_friend/
%
I have no patience

But that's mostly because I'm not a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rb68i/i_have_no_patience/
%
What is the difference between a wife's argument and a knife?

A knife has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rb4ap/what_is_the_difference_between_a_wifes_argument/
%
Dark humor is like a terrorist attack...

the timing needs to be just right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rb3yw/dark_humor_is_like_a_terrorist_attack/
%
Get all the protein you can before you die

because there's no whey in Hell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rayox/get_all_the_protein_you_can_before_you_die/
%
Why couldn't the dolphin choose a career?

She had no sense of porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ravi3/why_couldnt_the_dolphin_choose_a_career/
%
Supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system... "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rave0/supermarket_had_a_sale_on_boneless_chicken/
%
The other day a co- worker asked me what I had for lunch, and I replied 5 Guys.

He laughed because it sounds funny. I guess I should have been more specific and said I got bukaked during lunch time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ratry/the_other_day_a_co_worker_asked_me_what_i_had_for/
%
How can you tell a sex doll is Muslim ?

It blows itself up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rasof/how_can_you_tell_a_sex_doll_is_muslim/
%
You'll never get hemorrhoids...

because you're a perfect asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rapvn/youll_never_get_hemorrhoids/
%
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?

Konnichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rakyy/how_do_japanese_chihuahuas_say_hello/
%
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II...

Since my grandfather had served during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, "Did you ever kill anyone?"
He got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, "Probably. I was the cook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rahtk/my_high_school_assignment_was_to_ask_a_veteran/
%
Fun prank

Make them study for 18 years then don't give them jobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4racw1/fun_prank/
%
In the days before the Internet...

did black people watch Cops to see what their family and friends were up to?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rac7s/in_the_days_before_the_internet/
%
What is a Viking's favorite music?

Ragnarock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ra3t6/what_is_a_vikings_favorite_music/
%
What do mexicans cut their pizza with?

Little Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ra2nn/what_do_mexicans_cut_their_pizza_with/
%
I kissed a grill once.

It was pretty hot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ra0mi/i_kissed_a_grill_once/
%
Why did the pillow cross the road?

Because it was cooler on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9zif/why_did_the_pillow_cross_the_road/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that little thing?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9yrr/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
%
My dick was once in the Guinness book of World Records.

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9yjy/my_dick_was_once_in_the_guinness_book_of_world/
%
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9yei/my_top_3_assumptions_when_doorbell_rings/
%
AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9w2w/ama_i_am_a_submarine_naval_commander_discharged/
%
Psychic wanted:

You know where to apply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9rvl/psychic_wanted/
%
Once upon time, there were three friends playing on a beach.

One kid's parents were good business people.  The second kid lives in a good family where he is taught to respect his elders.  The third kid was a poor redneck with an abusive father. Anyways, they were playing on the beach when a helicopter crashed down into the water.  They saw a man drowning and all raced to save him.  As they pulled the man to shore they realized it was Obama.  The president then said, "Thank you kids for saving me! I'll give you each one wish!"  The first kid said he wanted a helicopter.  The second kid wished for some money.  And the redneck asked for a wheel chair.  Obama, concerned, asked why the poor boy wouldn't want some money for his family.  The kid replied, "Cause when pap finds out what I've done, I ain't gonna be walking for a pretty long time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9rju/once_upon_time_there_were_three_friends_playing/
%
I got my car crime-colored.

It's black on black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9qsl/i_got_my_car_crimecolored/
%
Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9phc/which_one_is_the_odd_one_out_a_crab_a_tuna_a/
%
Got in a fight with my wife while camping...

It was in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9n3k/got_in_a_fight_with_my_wife_while_camping/
%
Failed my biology test today:

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9mow/failed_my_biology_test_today/
%
Little Johnny sees his grandpa smoking

a cigar.
"Grandpa!  What is that? Can I try?"
"I dunno Little Johnny... Can your dick touch your asshole?"
"....um not yet."
"Then you can't.  Maybe when you're older."
*Little Johnny walks away disappointedly*
*a few days later, Grandpa is drinking a beer and Little Johnny walks by and notices*
"Grandpa!  What is that!? Can I try some?"
"I dunno Little Johnny... Can your dick touch your asshole yet?"
"....no."
"Then you can't, maybe when you're older."
*Little Johnny walks away mad*
*Couple days later Little Johnny is sitting at the table eating a plate of chocolate chip cookies and Grandpa comes walking by and notices*
"Ohhhh chocolate chip! Can I have a cookie Johnny?"
"I dunno Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?"
"It sure can!"
"Then go fuck yourself Grandpa these cookies are mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9jke/little_johnny_sees_his_grandpa_smoking/
%
an old couple are getting ready for bed

The husband sits on the bed taking off his socks and the wife undresses in the bathroom and gets into in her pink robe.
She comes into the room, walks over to her husband and whips open the robe, exclaiming, "super pussy!"
And the husband says, "I'll take the soup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9fpn/an_old_couple_are_getting_ready_for_bed/
%
Harry was blind...

... His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9fnf/harry_was_blind/
%
New hobby

I was visiting a local community center because I was interested in learning a new hobby.
On my way to the office, I passed a group of guys in a beat boxing class.
I walked in and decided to try and fit in with my beatboxing skills, "bootssskts bootsskts uhh uhh my name is Chris, Yall mutha fuckas aint ready for this. Wickawickabtssssss" I leaned back in the first chair I saw, confident I gained their respect.   One of the boys walks up to me and spat one back at me
"Th-Th-Th-This is a speech therapy class."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9fah/new_hobby/
%
I was going to make a chemistry joke...

but I didn't know if it would get a positive reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9eim/i_was_going_to_make_a_chemistry_joke/
%
Why did God make pubic hair curly?

So we don't poke our eyes out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9dzs/why_did_god_make_pubic_hair_curly/
%
A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9dmy/a_movie_theater_was_robbed_of_150_worth_of_candy/
%
A husband and wife are sitting in a bar.

They see a man downing beer across the room.
The wife says: "He proposed to me ten years ago, and I said no."
The husband responds: "And he's still celebrating!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r99f2/a_husband_and_wife_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r94ru/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r900e/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
%
How much do used batteries cost?

Nothing, they are free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r8zhd/how_much_do_used_batteries_cost/
%
4th of July Alcohol puns: American Heroes edition.

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.
Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.
Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :
Abraham Drinkin
John Wilkes Booze
Rosa Parched
Frederick Mugless
Harry S. Brew-man
Alexander HamilTurnt
Ciroc Obama
Slam-eul Adams
Druncle Sam
George Whiskington
George Sloshington
George W Busch Lite
Condoleeza Rice-Wine
Bud W. Eisenhower
Theodore Brewsanvelt
Buzz'd Aldrin
Malt Disney
Millard Fill-more in my cup
Davy Crunkett
Albert Winestein
Tequila Earhart
Martin Luther Gin Jr
Harriet Chugman
Pale Ale Earnhardt Jr
Malcolm Dos XX
Coaster Cleveland
William Cask
Al Patron
Richard Mixin'
Donald Rumsmell'd
Jesse Jameson
Donald Drunk
Jimi Hendrinks
Boozin B. Anthony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r8yvu/4th_of_july_alcohol_puns_american_heroes_edition/
%
What do North Korea and my girlfriend have in common?

Neither want me coming inside them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r8ul8/what_do_north_korea_and_my_girlfriend_have_in/
%
What is the most inappropriate thing to say to someone who just lost their job?

You had one job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r8s2q/what_is_the_most_inappropriate_thing_to_say_to/
%
A job interview.

— What's your worst quality?
— Honesty.
— Well, i don't think that honesty is a bad quality..
— I don't give a fuck what you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r8pkh/a_job_interview/
%
After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox...

After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox get together and each tells how they spent the winter.
The mountain lion says, "I spent my winter in a pigpen, and each day I ate a pig. The owner counted the pigs, saw that some were missing, and set a trap from which I barely escaped."
The wolf says, "I spent my winter in a henhouse. Each day I ate two hens. The owner counted the hens, brought out his shotgun, and I almost got shot."
The fox says, "I spent my winter at a construction site where there were lots of Mexicans. Nobody counts those bastards."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r8pfy/after_a_long_winter_a_mountain_lion_a_wolf_and_a/
%
My Doctor just diagnosed me with Tom Jones Syndrome...

"Is it common?" I said.
"Well..." He replied
"It's not unusual"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r8nxt/my_doctor_just_diagnosed_me_with_tom_jones/
%
If you can think of a better fish pun

Let minnow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r8io5/if_you_can_think_of_a_better_fish_pun/
%
A man walks into a brothel

A poor man walks into a brothel, and tell the pimp in charge he only has $5 to spend. The pimp, thinks for a moment, and then sends him to the last door at the end of the corridor, to a woman named Anna.
Anna looks fine enough, so the man is a little confused as he was expecting far worse. In no time, they start undressing each other and he sticks it in her. A few moments later he stops, it was the most uncomfortable feeling he had ever felt, worse than the feeling of nails on a chalkboard.
The man tells Anna that this wont work, and if there is anything she can do about the feeling. It is literally the worst feeling he's ever felt. She says yes to his surprise, on the condition he pays another $5. There was  no way he can continue so he might as well.
He pays her the $5 and she leaves the room, hes beginning to think she took the money and just made off, but just as he was thinking about leaving she comes back.
Suddenly the sex is absolutely amazing, and feels better than anything he has ever felt. Before he knows it he's done.
Whilst dressing and getting ready to leave, curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the Anna what exactly did he get with the extra money.
She looks at him very nonchalantly and tells him that for $5 extra, she picks off the scabs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r87mr/a_man_walks_into_a_brothel/
%
Gun loading announcement...

Apparently my local radio station had an announcement on how to load a gun.
But I never got the bulletin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r8523/gun_loading_announcement/
%
A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.

In order to get a visa, they have to Americanize their names. Chu became Chuck. Bu became Buck. Hu became Huck. Su and Fu decided to stay in China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r83g7/a_chinese_family_of_5_named_chu_bu_hu_su_and_fu/
%
What material do african blacksmiths use the most?

Steel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r82gg/what_material_do_african_blacksmiths_use_the_most/
%
I farted in front of my Jewish friend...

He glared at me.
I said, "What? A little gas never killed anyone !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r7yxw/i_farted_in_front_of_my_jewish_friend/
%
The Australian government sends a civil servant to gather data about the habits of a remote Aboriginal tribe

The civil servant asks a tribesman a series of questions about his life and eventually the matter of personal hygiene comes up.
\- How often do you wash your penis?
\- "Penis"? What's a "penis"?
Thinking this is the quickest way to explain, the civil servant drops his pants and shows him his penis.
Later the tribesman talks with his friend,
\- Do you know what a "penis" is?
\- No, what is it?
\- It's like a dick, but smaller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r7wnb/the_australian_government_sends_a_civil_servant/
%
What's the difference between Americans and Brits?

Brits think 200 miles is a long distance,
Americans think 200 years is a long time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r7vkr/whats_the_difference_between_americans_and_brits/
%
To all the women who only date assholes, nice guys are better in bed.

They always finish last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r7s1w/to_all_the_women_who_only_date_assholes_nice_guys/
%
Happy Fourh of July

"Hey England, Happy Fourh of July."
"Where's the T?"
"We threw it in the harbor."
Merica.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r7pxm/happy_fourh_of_july/
%
Someone once told me: In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language does a double positive form a negative.

Yeah, right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r7lsa/someone_once_told_me_in_english_a_double_negative/
%
A man is travelling with his wife and mother-in-law in Israel

Sadly, the mother-in-law passes away as they reach their destination. The wife is struck by grief, and so the man takes it upon himself to arrange the funeral. The wife silently hopes that they can bring the remains back to their home-country, but leaves everything in the hands of the husband.
He talks in depth with the local priest, who explains that arranging for the body to be flown over-seas would cost at least ten times the price of a local funeral. At last, the husband tells his wife they will bring back the remains and have the funeral in the same graveyard as the late father-in-law. The wife thanks him, and feels some relief and happiness that everything worked out.
The priest tells the man he made a good decision, and asks what made him choose such a pricey option. Had he been very close to the poor woman?
"I've heard from the likes of you that someone died in this place and woke up three days later. I'm not taking any chances."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r7l58/a_man_is_travelling_with_his_wife_and_motherinlaw/
%
New Sex Position called Raging bull... [NSFW]

1st get your girl in doggy style and slide in real deep.
Now lean forward and wrap your arms around her real deep.
Now here's the bull part, bring your lips near her ear and whisper another girl's name and see how long you can stay on. Good luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r7jsb/new_sex_position_called_raging_bull_nsfw/
%
One morning, His Majesty the lion calls all the animals in the jungle to a meeting.

"Right," says the lion, "I want every one of you to go out hunting and bring me back as much meat as you can. Anyone who fails to bring me meat I will batter to death with my dick!"
Later that day, a rabbit turns up with a basket of carrots.
"You have to understand, Your Majesty, I'm a rabbit, I can't hunt, but I've brought you a basket of carrots."
The lion towers over the rabbit and starts battering it with his dick.
The rabbit cries, and laughs, and cries, and laughs, and cries, and laughs...
"Why are you crying?" says the lion.
"It hurts," says the rabbit.
"And why the fuck are you laughing?" says the lion.
"I've just seen the hedgehog," says the rabbit, "and he's gathering mushrooms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r7jb0/one_morning_his_majesty_the_lion_calls_all_the/
%
My dad, contemplating Brexit and the board game Risk,

"Well, Europe has always been hard to hold."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r7hxd/my_dad_contemplating_brexit_and_the_board_game/
%
Got in a car wreck while reading a church sign today...

...the Son was in my eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r7fpt/got_in_a_car_wreck_while_reading_a_church_sign/
%
When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring...

When she was in a good mood, it turned blue.
When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r79gv/when_i_was_a_boy_my_mother_wore_a_mood_ring/
%
Nigel Farage gets his girlfriend pregnant..

Soon after the pregnancy test arrived as positive, he says "My fatherhood ambition has been achieved. I want my life back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r78pc/nigel_farage_gets_his_girlfriend_pregnant/
%
A perfect son for a father

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r76lt/a_perfect_son_for_a_father/
%
There's two nuns driving down a highway

when all of a sudden satan appears on the bonnet of the car. The nun driving is shocked and says to the nun in the passenger seat, "ahh! what should I do!?" the nun in the passenger seat replies "Show him your cross!". So the nun driving leans out the window and yells "GET OFF MY BONNET YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r76dw/theres_two_nuns_driving_down_a_highway/
%
5 Tips To Improve Your Writing

1. Contractions aren't necessary.
2. Do not overuse exclamation points!!!!!!
3. Don't be redundant, because it can be boring to read the same things over and over again, just restated.
4. Do not appear condescending to your readers. "Condescending" means to look down upon someone.
5. Do not leave hanging prepositions around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r76a4/5_tips_to_improve_your_writing/
%
If you start peeing out blood

Urine big trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r757h/if_you_start_peeing_out_blood/
%
A book fell on my head...

I can only blame my shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r74fc/a_book_fell_on_my_head/
%
Nigel Farage walks into a bar

Convinces the patrons to set it on fire, and then leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r71sz/nigel_farage_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between Wendy's and Windows?

Wendy's is never frozen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r717f/whats_the_difference_between_wendys_and_windows/
%
I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate 4th of July

Surely 240 years of being officially seperate from America is something to be happy about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r6zlr/i_dont_see_why_we_brits_dont_celebrate_4th_of_july/
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A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained,

The doctor examined him and explained:"I'm going to give you some suppositories.
I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository.
She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,
"Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.
"No... I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r6ybx/a_man_was_constipated_so_he_decided_to_go_to_the/
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If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country

Not a political post, I just love to travel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r6wfa/if_trump_wins_im_leaving_the_country_if_clinton/
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Have you heard about the ATM that got addicted to money?

I heard it suffered from withdrawls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r6qh6/have_you_heard_about_the_atm_that_got_addicted_to/
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Marie was tired during scripture class

And she kept falling asleep at her desk, halfway through the class the teacher asked her a question, "Marie who is a lord above?" James her friend behind her notices she is asleep and with a pin pokes her. Suddenly she yelled "GOD!" as she is pricked by the sharp pin. "Very Good!" The teacher said.
Only minutes after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her another question, "Who died on the cross for our sins Marie?" And James notices she is asleep and pricks her again with the pin "JESUS CHRIST!" She yelled. "Excellent Marie!" The Teacher exclaimed.
Near the end of the class and Marie fell asleep once again and the Teacher asked her another question, "Marie, what did Eve say to Adam in the Garden of Eden?" And with James quick thinking he poked her with the pin and she yelled, "POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'L BREAK IN HALF!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r6olg/marie_was_tired_during_scripture_class/
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Blackjack is just like my love life

I always hit on 15

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r6l5s/blackjack_is_just_like_my_love_life/
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Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r6k78/why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
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hy haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees?

Because they’re really, really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r6i4e/hy_havent_you_ever_seen_any_elephants_hiding_up/
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Why did Monica Lewinsky vote Republican?

Because Democrat left a bad taste in her mouth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r6hsq/why_did_monica_lewinsky_vote_republican/
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I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandad did.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r6e2e/i_want_to_die_quietly_in_my_sleep_like_my_grandad/
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When I was a kid my mom told me I could become whatever I wanted

So I became a disappointment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r6d6h/when_i_was_a_kid_my_mom_told_me_i_could_become/
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What's the difference between Britain and Australia?

When one votes, it changes something, making things worse.  When another votes, it doesn't change anything, making things worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r6cn5/whats_the_difference_between_britain_and_australia/
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Why did the suicidal man cross the road?

Because he wanted to play chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r6c1f/why_did_the_suicidal_man_cross_the_road/
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The barman says, "We don't serve time travelers in here".

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r68qj/the_barman_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers_in/
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I got into a fight with a midget once...

Don't worry, it was a short fight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r628e/i_got_into_a_fight_with_a_midget_once/
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I hate my job...

My job is so fucking unbelievable.
I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5xke/i_hate_my_job/
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Is it safe to visit the forests of Germany?

I heard there could be a baum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5w4z/is_it_safe_to_visit_the_forests_of_germany/
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Two illegitimate children walk into a bar. They both order the same drink...

One of them, however, uses a large, off white syringe to inject the booze into his rectum. The result?
The alabaster ass blaster baster bastard got plastered faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5sgx/two_illegitimate_children_walk_into_a_bar_they/
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If Trump wins after Obama leaves office...

Does that mean that orange really is the new black?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5sbo/if_trump_wins_after_obama_leaves_office/
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What do I love about living in Switzerland?

The flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5rm6/what_do_i_love_about_living_in_switzerland/
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God likes Saturn more than he likes earth

Because if he had liked it, he would of put a ring on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5nvq/god_likes_saturn_more_than_he_likes_earth/
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A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla

who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.
&nbsp;
The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.
&nbsp;
The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.
&nbsp;
“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5nui/a_small_zoo_in_alabama_acquires_a_rare_gorilla/
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A piece of Rope walks into a bar

A piece of rope walks into the bar and calls for the bartender and says
"Hey bartender, give me a drink"
The bartender acknowledges the rope, but as he's handing him the drink, stops suddenly and says
"Get out of my bar! We don't serve your kind here!"
So the piece of rope walks outside, pissed at the fact he couldn't get a drink. He mulls around outside for a bit until he thinks of an idea. The rope twists himself up and frizzes up his hair, walks back into the bar and says
"Hey bartender! How about a drink?"
So the bartender gets what he asked for, walks over to the bar and says
"Don't I know you? Aren't you that piece of rope I kicked out earlier?"
The rope says
"Nope, I'm a frayed knot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5mn3/a_piece_of_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why do Chinese people love NY?

Because they heard we sell hotdogs for $0.75 each.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5ljw/why_do_chinese_people_love_ny/
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July 4th PSA: On one hand fireworks are a lot of fun.

On the other hand I only have 2 fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5ksi/july_4th_psa_on_one_hand_fireworks_are_a_lot_of/
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The age old question...

The age old question, if I paint my car black will it stop working or will it run faster?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5hvx/the_age_old_question/
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So, Burt and Ernie are just sitting at home,

when Burt looks over at Ernie and asks, "Hey Ernie, do you want to get some ice cream?" Then Ernie said, "Sure Burt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5gae/so_burt_and_ernie_are_just_sitting_at_home/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5df0/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.
Happy 4th of July r/jokes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5c2a/why_are_there_no_knockknock_jokes_about_america/
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Tough to be Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him.
Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5byp/tough_to_be_irish/
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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5anp/an_ugly_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_a_beautiful/
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My best friend's donkey was drowning...

But I saved his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r5aee/my_best_friends_donkey_was_drowning/
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What's the difference between Wright and Rong?

Wright yells, "Objection!'
Rong is your typical Chinese man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r59og/whats_the_difference_between_wright_and_rong/
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What was the radioactive senior citizen's super power?

Gramma Rays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r58n4/what_was_the_radioactive_senior_citizens_super/
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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:
A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.
The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz that ladies have in certain places, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good."
On his turn, the knight asks "Lady, answer me without deceit. Is there hair between your legs?" When she replies, "none at all", he comments, "Indeed I do believe you, for grass does not grow on a well-beaten path."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r55jb/a_dirty_joke_from_the_14th_century/
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A local establishment wants to press charges on me for getting an erection on their property.

Luckily for me, they have no hard evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r52dj/a_local_establishment_wants_to_press_charges_on/
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A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar & orders a jack and coke. The bartenders gives the man an apple. The guy looks baffled & the bartender tells him to just try it.
The man took a bite out of the apple. "That tastes like Jack!"
"Turn it around." Says the bartender.
The man takes a bite out of the other side. "That tasted like coke!"
Another patron walks in & orders a rum & Sprite. The bartender once again places an apple in front of him.
This man is equally as baffled as the first. The guy next to him tells him to just try it. He takes a bite & says, "that tastes like rum!"
The bartender chimes in & tells him to "turn it around."
The man takes a bite out of the other side and it tastes like Sprite. The two men look @ each other with surprise.
A third man walks in & before he has a chance to order a drink, the first two men tell him that the bartender can make him anything he could ever want.  The man, in disbelief, says, "well in that case, I want some pussy!"
The bartender places an apple in front of him & everyone is shocked. The two men talk him into trying the apple.
He takes a bite & spits it out & yells, "that tastes like shit!"
The bartender laughs & says, "turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r51na/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r4zgm/my_wife_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_that_said_this/
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A Professor Calls "Pencils Down"

A professor calls pencils down and one students keeps writing.
When the student goes to turn in his exam, the professor tells him "l'm not going to accept this, you didn't put your pencil down when I said to."
"Do you have any idea who I am?" The student says, snobbily.
"I don't have the slightest idea who you are and I don't care," the professor retorted.
"Good." The student replied as he slipped his exam into the middle of the stack and walked away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r4um3/a_professor_calls_pencils_down/
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I swallowed two strings by accident, and when I finally passed them they were miraculously tied together

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r4k11/i_swallowed_two_strings_by_accident_and_when_i/
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My husband is like Santa Claus

He's old, fat, and comes once in a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r4jxu/my_husband_is_like_santa_claus/
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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words

Stop shaking the ladder, you little bastard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r4i9m/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words/
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What hurts more; giving birth or being kicked in the balls?

A women will normally want more children after a year or two.
No man has ever wanted another kick in the balls.
Case closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r4i0g/what_hurts_more_giving_birth_or_being_kicked_in/
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Why do people never eat clocks?

Because it's really time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r4h1p/why_do_people_never_eat_clocks/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

By broom
...
JK, rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r4gy4/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r4enn/bill_gates_woke_up_in_the_morning_and_found_that/
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What is metallic and if enters through your eye can kill you?

A train

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r4ctt/what_is_metallic_and_if_enters_through_your_eye/
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What do you call 4 Mexicans in quick sand?

Cuatro cinco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r4ahc/what_do_you_call_4_mexicans_in_quick_sand/
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A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those drinks. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the tourist, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the policeman."Just follow me". He leads the tourist down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir," replied the police officer, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r489i/a_tourist_in_london_decides_to_skip_his_tour/
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Two clowns are running for public office...

It's funny for me though because I live in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r444s/two_clowns_are_running_for_public_office/
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Yo mama's so fat...

Instead of a cartwheel she does a ferriswheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3zmx/yo_mamas_so_fat/
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A lady went to an auction...

And  was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and the lady bid with "Seven hundred dollars". "Eight hundred!" "Eighty hundred fifty!" "Nine hundred fifty!" go the next several bids, and the lady bid "One thousand dollars!" Bidding goes on this way for several minutes until she found herself the proud owner of an parrot for $1500.
She approached the auctioneer and asked him "Can the bird talk?" to which the auctioneer replied "Lady, who do you think was bidding against you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3xu2/a_lady_went_to_an_auction/
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I farted in a Apple Store

Too bad they didn't have any *windows*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3x14/i_farted_in_a_apple_store/
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Woman: Guys who can't make me orgasm

really rub me the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3wr8/woman_guys_who_cant_make_me_orgasm/
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Jesus, Moses, an an old man are playing golf...

And the first hole is on the other side of a pond. Moses is the first to go. He sets his ball on the tee, then gives hit a hard whack. It soars right into the pond before the hole. So, he walks up, parts the waters, and hits the ball right into the hole.
Next up is Jesus. He sets his ball, swings, and it plops right onto a lily pad. So, he walks on the water over to it, and hits it in the hole on his next swing.
Now it's the old man's turn. He sets his ball, and hands trembling, swings and hits the ball right into a frog's mouth that was sitting on the edge of the pond. As the frog hops into the water, it's picked up by a hawk. The hawk sails over the pond and the frog drops the ball straight into the hole.
Moses scoffs, and Jesus rolls his eyes. He calls back to the old man, "nice shot dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3v64/jesus_moses_an_an_old_man_are_playing_golf/
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What do you call it when Professor X does a wheelie?

Professor +

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3ubj/what_do_you_call_it_when_professor_x_does_a/
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An Apple store near where I live got robbed

$25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3tnz/an_apple_store_near_where_i_live_got_robbed/
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if God exists it's probably a woman

no man holds a grudge for this long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3tlz/if_god_exists_its_probably_a_woman/
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How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she fits in your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3tcj/how_do_you_know_when_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
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What do you call a family of Jewish robots?

The Cybergs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3t51/what_do_you_call_a_family_of_jewish_robots/
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What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Mufasa?

One's an African lion, the other is a lyin' African.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3ouj/whats_the_difference_between_oj_simpson_and_mufasa/
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I sweat less when I wear sunglasses ...

Because I feel cooler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3o9r/i_sweat_less_when_i_wear_sunglasses/
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A man goes along to the Patent Office...

A man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's silly! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor, "you're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3o7k/a_man_goes_along_to_the_patent_office/
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A duck walks up to a prostitute....

And says, "put it on my bill"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3nux/a_duck_walks_up_to_a_prostitute/
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I was on a date other day when the girl said she wanted to start a long distance relationship using semaphore.

Raised a couple of red flags...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3mk8/i_was_on_a_date_other_day_when_the_girl_said_she/
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3 POW were being held in a British camp

; a German, a Japanese man, and an Italian. The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.
They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.
They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"
The Italian, being injured and subsequently muted in the war, signed back to them "How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3ivq/3_pow_were_being_held_in_a_british_camp/
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Sometimes it's important who says a sentence.

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence is said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3cz4/sometimes_its_important_who_says_a_sentence/
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What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in a bathtub?

Throw in your laundry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3ce4/what_do_you_do_when_an_epileptic_has_a_seizure_in/
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WALKS INTO A BAR... FRUGAL GORILLA

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r3b8v/walks_into_a_bar_frugal_gorilla/
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How long does it take to get from Dorne to Meereen?

It Varys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r39x6/how_long_does_it_take_to_get_from_dorne_to_meereen/
%
I don't have shower thoughts. They're against my religion.

I'm a Bathtist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r394k/i_dont_have_shower_thoughts_theyre_against_my/
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How guys wake up In the morning

Brain: "Oh f*ck."
Body: "Don't get up."
Dick: "THIS IS SPARTAA!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r34mg/how_guys_wake_up_in_the_morning/
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Manager Cracks a Joke.

Everyone in the team laughs except one guy.
Manager asks " Didn't you understand the joke ".
The guy replies " I resigned yesterday "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r34ia/manager_cracks_a_joke/
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Did you hear about the Zodiac killer?

I heard he cut his victims in to little pisces!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r34he/did_you_hear_about_the_zodiac_killer/
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What's big, green and can kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r32zy/whats_big_green_and_can_kill_you_if_it_falls_out/
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A cowboy and a lady are drinking at a bar.

The cowboy strikes up a conversation with the lady, despite the fact that she's clearly not very interested in him (for that matter, not very interested in men at all).  He's a little clueless, but because she's a decent human being, she humors him and asks him what he does.
"Ma'am, I'm a cowboy.  I love the feeling of the wind in my face when I'm out riding.  I love sleeping under the stars.  I love long days and nights on the range, thinking about coming back to a lady when the drive is over.  Yep, I'm happy being a cowboy.  What about you?"
She decides to gently shut him down.
"I'm a lesbian.  I love the feeling of a woman on my face.  I love sleeping with women.  I love long days and nights in bed, thinking about the woman I'm with.  Yep, I'm real happy being a lesbian."
She pays for her drink, wishes him a good night and leaves.
Another lady sits down in her place, one who looks like she likes cowboys.  She leans up to the cowboy and purrs, "Hey handsome.  Are you a cowboy?"
"Well, I thought I was.  But now I think I'm a lesbian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r32qu/a_cowboy_and_a_lady_are_drinking_at_a_bar/
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A man says to his wife "I had to show my grey chest hair to get my pension today..."

"You should have showed them your dick," she replies; "We'd have been eligible for disability benefit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r30zy/a_man_says_to_his_wife_i_had_to_show_my_grey/
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Some facts of Zlatan Ibrahimovic:

1 - When he was 10 years old, Zlatan decided to live by himself. And his parents just moved to another house.
2 - Zlatan lost his virginity even before his parents.
3 - One day Zlatan did a test in a lie detector machine. The machine confessed everything.
Arsenal - When Zlatan was young, his parents used to sleep on his bed when they were scared.
5 - When Zlatan goes to your place to visit you, you're the guest.
6 - The father's name of Zlatan is Zlatan Junior.
7 - One day Zlatan passed a red light and the police stopped his car. Zlatan charged the police.
8 - Zlatan helped the nurses when he was born.
9 - Zlatan never lies. The truth is what is wrong.
10 - When Alexander Graham Bell created the telephone, he already had three missed calls from Zlatan.
11- Oxygen needs Zlatan to survive.
12 - It is impossible for Zlatan to have a heart attack. Nothing is stupid enough to attack Zlatan.
13 - In school teachers used to raise their hands to talk with Zlatan.
14 - One day Zlatan missed two days in a row in the school. Later on, these days were called Saturday and Sunday.
15 - One day Zlatan arrived late at school. The other students were penalised because they arrived too early

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2x1r/some_facts_of_zlatan_ibrahimovic/
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Why is Monica Lewinsky going to vote Republican this year?

Last time she tried Democrat it left a bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2vm4/why_is_monica_lewinsky_going_to_vote_republican/
%
I have a joke about Ikea

but I can't put it together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2vjs/i_have_a_joke_about_ikea/
%
When I was 5, my Uncle Bob asked me to sit on his lap.

It was quite touching, really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2vhq/when_i_was_5_my_uncle_bob_asked_me_to_sit_on_his/
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I try not to judge my barber for his weight but..

He could be a hair trimmer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2sh9/i_try_not_to_judge_my_barber_for_his_weight_but/
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How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None because it's already lit fam
^I'm^^so^^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2rs9/how_many_teenagers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Why is a bad government like a bikini?

Because people marvel at what's holding it up. And they wish it would fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2qv2/why_is_a_bad_government_like_a_bikini/
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Girls always think i'm ugly until they look into my wallet

then they think i'm ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2pmj/girls_always_think_im_ugly_until_they_look_into/
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What is a horny pirates worst nightmare?

A small chest with no booty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2ol4/what_is_a_horny_pirates_worst_nightmare/
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A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father

The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.
Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"
The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2ofd/a_daughter_is_in_a_fierce_argument_with_her_father/
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A middle-aged couple is having trouble in bed.

A middle-aged couple is having trouble in bed - namely, the husband is having trouble making his wife orgasm. They visit a sex therapist who recommends they hire a young man to give the wife a foot massage during sex, hopefully to relax her and help her orgasm. They try it, and the husband fucks his wife like a burly, uncoordinated animal while the young man gives her a foot massage. No dice.
After a few more tries, the wife says, 'Why not have the young man make love to me while *you* give me a foot massage?' and the husband agrees.
The young man ravishes the lady, and it's a sexual experience entirely unlike anything she's ever known. They moan loudly at each other, shouting each other's names, deeply needing each other. They both come to the most massive, incredible orgasm ever. Once finished, the husband rises from his place giving his wife a foot massage and says triumphantly - "See? *That's* how you give a foot massage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2nxt/a_middleaged_couple_is_having_trouble_in_bed/
%
Your momma's so fat, she's like the negative cosine of X...

They both go down after pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2jzy/your_mommas_so_fat_shes_like_the_negative_cosine/
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I'm so fat...

...my favorite super hero is the supermarket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2jld/im_so_fat/
%
Why did Obama get two terms?

Because black men always get a longer sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2j17/why_did_obama_get_two_terms/
%
What do you call an Jihadi Terrorist who just escaped prison?

a free radical..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2iz2/what_do_you_call_an_jihadi_terrorist_who_just/
%
Do old people wear boxers or briefs?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2ikt/do_old_people_wear_boxers_or_briefs/
%
What's the difference between feminists and guns?

Guns only have one trigger.
At the time I was writing this, my mom and sister were in the middle of a death battle yelling match, help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2gbh/whats_the_difference_between_feminists_and_guns/
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Getting the message a cross...

A boys parents were worried about their son not wanting to learn maths at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.
After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut.
The parents are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his parents. Looking at it they see under maths an A+.
Mum and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning maths?"
The son looked at his parents and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2far/getting_the_message_a_cross/
%
One day I'd like to donate to the porn industry for all the free porn I've watched.

They've gotten me through some hard times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2et1/one_day_id_like_to_donate_to_the_porn_industry/
%
Why did Darth Maul jack off into a piece of fruit?

Because the sith always comes in pears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2ath/why_did_darth_maul_jack_off_into_a_piece_of_fruit/
%
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas

, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher,
"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said,
"Okay , but don't go in that field over there", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying,
"Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r29xq/a_dea_officer_stopped_at_a_ranch_in_texas/
%
My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.

It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r272b/my_mum_tripped_and_dropped_the_basket_of_clothes/
%
What's the difference between a repost and a bullet?

I don't want to put a repost in my mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2089/whats_the_difference_between_a_repost_and_a_bullet/
%
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1zta/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
%
A Man And his Duck go to the vet...

They go through to the treatment room and the doctor says; "Sir, what can I do for you today?" The man says; "I've brought my duck in today because its really not well and I think its on its last hours." the doctor feels the duck and says; "I'll see what I can do."
The doctor brings in a dog, the dog licks the duck all over its body. The duck lifts its head up, but puts it back down again.
"It didn't work." The man said.
The doctor leaves the room once again and this time brings in a cat. The cat sniffs the duck all over its body. The duck lifts its head up, but keels over and dies.
"No, my duck! It's Dead!" The man screamed.
"I'm sorry, but that will be $3000 please."
"What? $3000? You didn't do anything at all!"
"It's $1500 for the Lab Test, and $1500 for the CAT scan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1xnr/a_man_and_his_duck_go_to_the_vet/
%
If you watch an Apple store get robbed,

Does that make you an iWitness?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1wee/if_you_watch_an_apple_store_get_robbed/
%
What did the guy without hands get for christmas?

We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1w3m/what_did_the_guy_without_hands_get_for_christmas/
%
Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage

in front of a huge crowd.
Bernie leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, i can make this crowd go absolutely wild with joy? The will not just be a momentary joy, this joy will be huge and they will forever speak of this day as the day that we made America work for everyone!"
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! with one little wave of your hand ... show me!"
So Bernie Sanders backhand slapped her and THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1v9v/bernie_sanders_and_hillary_clinton_are_on_the/
%
Right and Wrong

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."
Classic, Short English Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1s8z/right_and_wrong/
%
Why do women live on average two years longer?

Because the time they spend parking doesn’t count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1ogj/why_do_women_live_on_average_two_years_longer/
%
Went out hunting with 2 other mates...

We're out in a tent, and my mate goes out on the first day to hunt, later on he returns with a deer, myself and my other mate exclaimed 'how'd you catch the deer?!' He explained 'it's easy fellas, just follow the tracks'
Next day rolls by, I go out and to my surprise I follow his advice and catch a goat! I return to camp and they said wow nice catch! How'd you catch it? I said confidently, it's simple as, just follow the tracks
Last day of our adventures my last mate (he's one sandwich short of a picnic) goes out, and we got worried because he hadn't returned until much later on, when he did he was crawling, bleeding, and bruised/scuffed everywhere, myself and my mate said mate what the fuck happened? You alright?
He replies back with 'yeah I followed your advice, I followed the tracks and got hit by a train'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1nrg/went_out_hunting_with_2_other_mates/
%
What do you call a person of Irish and Asian descent?

Rice Paddy.
-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1n8y/what_do_you_call_a_person_of_irish_and_asian/
%
What's the difference between a Jew and a bullet?

The bullet gets out of the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1mnd/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_bullet/
%
Jewish boy comes home from school and his mother and tells her he got in the school play. She asked him, "what part are you playing?" He said, "the husband!"

The mother grew furious and said, "you march right back there and demand they give you a speaking part."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1hre/jewish_boy_comes_home_from_school_and_his_mother/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and he sees this sad guy sitting there, so he decides to cheer him up.
He goes and sits down, asks him what is troubling him. The guy replies "I lost my third wife"
Nice guy responds "Damn man that's horrible, if you dont mind me asking, what happened to the first wife?"
"She ate poison mushrooms"
Nice guy is shocked he says "Damn man that's horrible, I have to ask, what happened to the second wife?"
"She ate poison mushrooms too"
Now he's shocked "That's horrible! I have to know, what happened to your third wife?"
"She got butchered by an axe"
Now the nice guy is curious and he has to ask "How did that happen?"
"She didn't want to eat the poison mushrooms"
(I searched but this joke has never been told properly before so I hope you guys like it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1gcu/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man stood on his scales...

A woman noticed her husband on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1c0o/a_man_stood_on_his_scales/
%
What's the difference between feminists and Nazis?

The Nazis shaved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r197t/whats_the_difference_between_feminists_and_nazis/
%
I wanted to take up yoga.

I contacted a yoga instructor and told him I wanted to be able to do the splits. He said "what's your flexibility like?" I said "I can't do Tuesdays".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r18xt/i_wanted_to_take_up_yoga/
%
A military officer was caught stealing electrons

His superiors immediately had him discharged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1863/a_military_officer_was_caught_stealing_electrons/
%
What did one loaf of bread say to the other?

Weirdo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r16az/what_did_one_loaf_of_bread_say_to_the_other/
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A boy asks the teacher...

"Can children of kindergarten age have baby if they have sex?"
Teacher says, "No they can't."
The boy turns to girl standing next to him and says, "See, you were scared for no reason at all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r15fh/a_boy_asks_the_teacher/
%
What does eatin' pussy and the mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and your in deep shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r12y4/what_does_eatin_pussy_and_the_mafia_have_in_common/
%
What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews?

The way they traveled through the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r0zym/whats_the_difference_between_santa_claus_and_the/
%
I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to?".
I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!
He said "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now".
Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an i.d.i.o.t in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r0xvj/i_was_in_the_public_toilets_today_and_as_i_sat/
%
I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r0xc9/i_bumped_into_an_old_school_friend_today/
%
Mom, am I ugly?

"I told you not to call me mom in front of people"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r0xbp/mom_am_i_ugly/
%
Lawyer kick game

A lawyer is hunting on a farm in Louisiana.  He shoots a duck and it falls dead over a fence on an adjacent farm.  He begins to climb the fence to the other farm to retrieve the duck when he hears an old man yelling at him.  The old man says this is my farm stay the hell off.  The lawyer says I shot that duck and I am retrieving it.  Old man says hell you are, its mine now, down here we operate under Napoleonic law.  Lawyer says I will sue the hell out of you old man.  Old man says, well under Napoleonic law you cant sue me, but we can play the kicking game.  The lawyer is interested and asks what it is.  Old man says, I kick you 3 times, you kick me 3 times til one of us quits.  Lawyer looks the old man up and down and thinks I can take this old man so agrees to the kick game.  Old man says, my property I kick first, jerks his leg back and with all his force kicks the lawyer square in the nuts dropping him to his hands and knees.  Pain shoots throughout the lawyers body, and before he can recover the old mans boot catches him right across the face.  The lawyer falls on his side, seeing stars in the distance, and then the old mans boot catches him right in the gut knocking the wind out of him.  The lawyer has never been in this much pain but wont let an old man beat him so he slowly rises to his feet excitedly anticipating his turn to kick the old man.  He looks at the old man and says, you got three, now its my turn old man.  Old man says, I quit, take the fucking bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r0wn3/lawyer_kick_game/
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What's the difference between a 19th century slave and a 21st century unpaid intern?

No, seriously, I want to know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r0wgr/whats_the_difference_between_a_19th_century_slave/
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Half black half Jewish boy

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $100 and I want to know if I should talk him down or just steal it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r0ukc/half_black_half_jewish_boy/
%
My laptop said hello to me....

I think it's "a Dell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r0ttu/my_laptop_said_hello_to_me/
%
what tea is hardest to swallow?

Reality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r0t5f/what_tea_is_hardest_to_swallow/
%
Old Jewish man goes to confession

And he says, Father, I am 90 years old and Jewish, never been to confession before but I have to get something off my chest.  I have been married to my lovely wife for 72 beautiful years, but last night I had a threesome with two blonde twin sister cheerleaders.  The priest says, I commend you for coming to confession, but I have to ask first since you are Jewish, why are you telling a Catholic Priest.  The old Jewish man says, I am not just telling you Father, I am telling everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r0qzg/old_jewish_man_goes_to_confession/
%
What do you call a cheap maid uniform?

Maid in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r0fij/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_maid_uniform/
%
I'm struggling to think of a name for this new app that compares acid and mushrooms.

Sadly "Tripadvisor" is taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r0fav/im_struggling_to_think_of_a_name_for_this_new_app/
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What does a polite pirate say?

Chivalry-Timbers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r0ctx/what_does_a_polite_pirate_say/
%
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked "What is 1 + 1"?

The mathematician says "2"
The Physicist says "2, plus or minus 0.1"
The engineer says "Probably around 2, but let's say 3 to be on the safe side".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r07cf/a_mathematician_a_physicist_and_an_engineer_are/
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Dark humour

It's like a child with cancer....
It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r06q4/dark_humour/
%
A shepherd and his dog

In a sunny day in the fields, there is a shepherd and his dog herding their sheep's.
The shepherd asked his dog to round up the sheep to the fields. The dog went out and started herding the sheep's to the field.
After a while the dog returned and told the shepherd that he already rounded up 20 sheep's on the field. The shepherd was a bit confused because he did not have that many sheep's so he head out to the fields and counted his sheep. The shepherd counted 15 sheep's  and wondered why his dog said 20.
He approached his dog and asked "there is only 15 sheep's in the field. Why did you say there were 20?"
The dog turns toward the shepherd and said "i know, but i rounded them up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r05uh/a_shepherd_and_his_dog/
%
What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r05od/what_washes_up_on_small_beaches/
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Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver weed to your house in 10 minutes...

Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r0461/snoop_dogg_seems_to_be_investing_in_a_company/
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Three legged chicken

A real estate agent from the city is driving down a county road looking for the place he is to meet a new client. He looks out the window and sees a three legged chicken running beside him in the ditch.
He is amazed that as he looked at the speedometer in his car and he's doing 40 mph, all the while the chicken is keeping up with him.
He increases his speed to 50 mph and the chicken stays with him. He keeps it up. 60, 70, 80 mph and the chicken keeps pace no problem.
The realtor hits 90 mph and he is finally able to overtake the chicken. As he coasts to a more manageable speed the chicken runs down a driveway and into a farm.
The realtor, who's curious at this point, turns around and goes into the farm. He finds the farmer tending his garden and heads over to him.
" I was driving down the road and I came across a three legged chicken! He could run 90 miles an hour! What is with that?"
The farmer replies: "it's a simple story. There is me, my wife and my son living here. We all love a drumstick. So instead of fighting over them when we eat chickens, we biologically engineered our chickens to have three legs!! Drumsticks for everyone!"
"My god! That's a brilliant plan! Think of all the possibilities! How do they taste?"
"We don't know! We can't catch the fuckin things!"
sorry about the formatting, I posted this on a mobile. And I fuckin hate reposts. I haven't seen this joke on here before but if it is I'll kick my own ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r03ra/three_legged_chicken/
%
Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.

After a tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave,who had only one feather in his headdress, "Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?" His
reply was, "Me have only one sqaw, me have only one feather." She asked another Brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "Ugh; me
have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws." Still not
convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms.
Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in
your headdress?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief. Me fuck-em all. Big, small, fat,tall. Me fuck-em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief replied, "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!" The Chief replied,"Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!" With tears in her eyes,Ms. Walters cried,"Oh dear." The Chief said, "No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and the fuckers run
too fast.Me No fuck deer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r029a/barbara_walters_was_doing_a_documentary_on_the/
%
Roses are...

Roses are grey,
Violets are grey,
i'm colourblind,
and Canadian, eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r00qs/roses_are/
%
I'd name my band "The Same Joke Every 24 Hours"

People will talk about my band with the following:
"Do you like listening to The Same Joke Every 24 Hours?"
"She just broke-up with her boyfriend, so she's listening to The Same Joke Every 24 Hours again"
"In a drastic move the police department has negotiated the end of the hostage situation by blasting the barricaded building with The Same Joke Every 24 Hours"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r003c/id_name_my_band_the_same_joke_every_24_hours/
%
My friend and I were playing 'biggest number', and for my number I simply multiplied his number by itself.

I won fair and square.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzzzl/my_friend_and_i_were_playing_biggest_number_and/
%
Three friends are in a bar talking about their dicks

The first guy said, "My dick's like a lion, big and strong!"
"Yeah sure, but mine's like a giraffe, big and long," said the second guy.
The third guy came up and said, "Oh yeah? Talk about mine, it's like a mouse!"
The other guys laughed and said, "It's as small as a mouse?"
The third guy replied, "No, it's always chased by pussies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzy4q/three_friends_are_in_a_bar_talking_about_their/
%
Three gay logicians walk into a bathhouse

A man greets them and asks would the three of you like to join in our orgy.
The first one says "I dont know"
The second one says "I dont know"
The third one says "Yes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzvc5/three_gay_logicians_walk_into_a_bathhouse/
%
So I see your name is tiff

I should hook you up with my friend gif, he's just like you only a little more animated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzse1/so_i_see_your_name_is_tiff/
%
Why did the two tampons not talk to each other?

They were both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzs0j/why_did_the_two_tampons_not_talk_to_each_other/
%
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzpl5/a_woman_shoots_her_husband_for_stepping_on_the/
%
So there's a fly...

and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, "is there a gnat on my back?"
The gnat says, "gnat at all."
The fly says, "that's the worst pun I've ever heard."
The gnat goes, "what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzo57/so_theres_a_fly/
%
What do the Optimist Club and the Mile High Club have in common?

They're both about giving a flying fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzlw4/what_do_the_optimist_club_and_the_mile_high_club/
%
What do chemists make guacamole out of?

Avogadros

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzl4x/what_do_chemists_make_guacamole_out_of/
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My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N's justify the means.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzif1/my_stats_professor_told_me_that_the_larger_the/
%
I like my women like I like my milk

Rich, white, and 2% fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzhhk/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_milk/
%
Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had four it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzgdk/why_do_chicken_coops_have_two_doors/
%
Facebook jokes are always

Click Next to read more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzg0q/facebook_jokes_are_always/
%
What's the cheapest meat to buy?

Deer balls.
They're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzf5j/whats_the_cheapest_meat_to_buy/
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This is one my mum told me today. Thought you would enjoy.

Dave is in class, when the teacher asks him "Dave, if you have two rabbits, then another two rabbits, then another two rabbits, how many do you have?"
"Seven, miss".
"No, no, no! If if you have two rabbits, then another two rabbits, then another two rabbits, how many do you have?"
Again, Dave says "Seven, miss".
"Ok, Dave. If you have two apples, and two apples, and two apples, how many apples do you have?"
"Six, miss."
"Correct! Now, once again, if you have two rabbits, then another two rabbits, then another two rabbits, how many do you have?"
"Seven, miss."
"Dave! Why do you say seven rabbits?"
Dave replies "I've got one at home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzazi/this_is_one_my_mum_told_me_today_thought_you/
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By putting the punchline in the title

How do you trick /r/jokes into thinking it's a repost?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qz9ky/by_putting_the_punchline_in_the_title/
%
I would post a Casey Anthony joke...

But my mom would kill me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qz8u5/i_would_post_a_casey_anthony_joke/
%
What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly?

A dead bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qz8gu/what_does_have_eyes_but_cant_see_has_legs_but/
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Marriage joke

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful!  But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic!  What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible!  I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qyyzx/marriage_joke/
%
True love lasts forever

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qyygk/true_love_lasts_forever/
%
What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

The front row of a garth brooks concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qywsh/what_has_132_legs_and_8_teeth/
%
"OH MY GOD, RYAN! YOU'RE THE DUMBEST KID I'VE EVER MET!"

Said the teacher to Ryan, one of her students.
One day, Ryan's mum went to her son's school and had a talk with Ryan's teacher. She said that Ryan had the worst grades in school and that, in her 10 years of teaching, she never met such a dumb kid.
The mother, shocked, decided to move to England to get a new life.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with a severe cardiac problem, and that only a very experienced surgeon in England could manage such problem.
The teacher decided to sell everything to pay a flight to England, and so she did.
When she got there, a very well clothed man received her at the airport and took her to the hospital in a Mercedes Benz.
Then she got operated, and when the surgery ended, the doctor said "Well, this is a complete success."
When the teacher woke up, she was in a room with people surrounding her. Then she looked at the surgeon, but before she could say anything, her face turned blue, she couldn't breathe, and suddenly she passed away before anybody could understand what was happening.
Well, the doctor looked at one of his assistants, he got mad, and started screaming: WHAT THE FUCK, RYAN! YOU JUST UNPLUGGED THE RESPIRATOR TO CHARGE YOUR **GODDAMN PHONE?!!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qyvjg/oh_my_god_ryan_youre_the_dumbest_kid_ive_ever_met/
%
Why was the glass-blower forced to retire?

He sucked...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qytun/why_was_the_glassblower_forced_to_retire/
%
Did you hear about the man who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the Nobel prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qytuf/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_invented_the/
%
What is an assassin's favorite element?

What is an assassin's favorite elem-
Surprise!
(it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qytd6/what_is_an_assassins_favorite_element/
%
A drunk walks into a library...

He goes up to the desk and slurs: I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.
The librarian replies: Sir, this is a library!
***whispers*** Sorry, I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qyrtc/a_drunk_walks_into_a_library/
%
I used to only listen to classical music...

...but now I think outside of the Bachs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qyq6c/i_used_to_only_listen_to_classical_music/
%
What do you call a dog underwater?

A sub woofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qypny/what_do_you_call_a_dog_underwater/
%
A Brief History of Medicine

**Patient:** "I have an ear ache."
**Doctor:**
2000 B.C. - "Eat this root."
1000 A.D. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1750 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1920 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1960 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2010 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial, eat this root."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qymm2/a_brief_history_of_medicine/
%
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qymdv/i_took_the_batteries_out_of_my_carbon_monoxide/
%
A High School Couple is Going to Prom...

A high school couple is going to prom, but they have to take care of all the necessary errands.
First, the girlfriend needs a dress, so they go to the dress store, and it's crazy busy.  They have to stand in the dress line for hours but finally they buy a nice dress.
Then, the boyfriend needs a tuxedo.  So they go to the tuxedo rental store, and it too is really busy.  So, they stand in the tuxedo line for hours and rent a nice tuxedo.
Then, they have to get a corsage.  So they go to the florist and of course it's really busy. So they wait in the corsage line for an hour, and buy a really nice corsage.
Finally, they get to prom, and would you believe it that there's a huge line to get into the prom. So they wait in line for another hour to get into prom.
After their long day, the couple is thirsty, so they go to get some punch, and there is no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qylwc/a_high_school_couple_is_going_to_prom/
%
What the difference between a feminist and a pencil?

The pencil has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qyjfj/what_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
Police arrested two kids in my neighborhood today. One was drinking battery acid the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qyeg0/police_arrested_two_kids_in_my_neighborhood_today/
%
Have you heard about the shampoo crisis in jamaica?

It's dreadful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qydpv/have_you_heard_about_the_shampoo_crisis_in_jamaica/
%
How does Moses make his tea...

... Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qycms/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
%
Moddeled confusion

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qy6ho/moddeled_confusion/
%
Why did the phosphorus atom go to the fortune teller?

To find out his phos-fate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qy4hn/why_did_the_phosphorus_atom_go_to_the_fortune/
%
My favourite joke

So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.
The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.
The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky.
The guy says: ill have a steak and chips mate.
The barman replies: three quid.
The guy then asked: do you own this pub?
The barman replies: no.
The guy then asked: wheres the boss then? I want to ask why the prices are so low.
The barman replies: he's upstairs with my wife.
The guy then asked: why? Whats he doing with your wife?
The barman replies: the same thing i'm doing to his business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qy4b4/my_favourite_joke/
%
What does a horny man living in Northern Russia need?

He needs two jacket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qy3z4/what_does_a_horny_man_living_in_northern_russia/
%
Bear Warning

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.
They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.
Visitors should also carry a pepper spray can just in case a bear is encountered. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear's sensitive nose and it will run away.
It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.
Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur. Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell of pepper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qy2sr/bear_warning/
%
I tried to explain what integers are

It was pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qy2jn/i_tried_to_explain_what_integers_are/
%
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says

You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qy28u/a_bishop_walks_straight_up_to_the_bar_and_the/
%
Why are artificial eyes made from glass?

They gotta be see-through

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxzlk/why_are_artificial_eyes_made_from_glass/
%
Buckwheat has converted to Islam

He is now known as Kareem of wheat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxyy1/buckwheat_has_converted_to_islam/
%
I'm scared of lifts

Guess I have to take steps to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxyxx/im_scared_of_lifts/
%
Today I went to the convenience store

to pick up some condoms. When I walked to the register with the condoms the clerk asked "Would you like a bag?" I replied "No, she's not that ugly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxybr/today_i_went_to_the_convenience_store/
%
Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside

But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxxjw/calculators_may_be_ugly_on_the_outside/
%
Lie detector robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his 9 year old son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxwz1/lie_detector_robot/
%
Of Course the Moon Landings Were Staged

I've never heard of a single staged rocket going to the moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxsqu/of_course_the_moon_landings_were_staged/
%
Most of my sextapes are on DVD..

except for that gay one where I Blu-Ray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxr5c/most_of_my_sextapes_are_on_dvd/
%
I bet a girl that I could touch her boobs without touching her for $5.

Paid her the $5 after I touched her boobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxqph/i_bet_a_girl_that_i_could_touch_her_boobs_without/
%
So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...

So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf Hitler...  the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing.   Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxnjw/so_a_holocaust_survivor_wins_the_lottery/
%
Two drunks

were drinking on the roof of their trailer late one night in Texas. The first drunk looks up at the night sky and says to the other "The moon is so big, I been wonderin... Whad'ya think is closer, the Moon, or Florida?"
The second drunk gives his friend an amused look. "You can't be serious.." He slurs
The first drunk looks back at his friend in confused anticipation "Well?" he asks.
The second drunk then rolls his eyes and laughs. "Well.. Think about it. Can you see Florida from here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxkw3/two_drunks/
%
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field...

..instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxk68/a_man_asks_a_farmer_near_a_field_sorry_sir_would/
%
I just became a proud dad today...

My son is actually four but he was a boring little cunt for the first three years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxhx0/i_just_became_a_proud_dad_today/
%
Superman and Wonder Woman

So one day Superman was flying around Metropolis just looking around for something to do when he spots this small island in a lake that he hadn't remembered seeing before so he flys over to investigate. While there he spots Wonder Woman laying out in the sun with her eyes closed completely naked. Superman thought to himself " I've always wanted to fuck her and I bet I can get in and out before she even realizes what's happened." So Superman hides in the bushes planning his move. He strikes and then hides back in the bushes to see her reaction.  Wonder Woman sits up and says " what the hell was that?" Then The Invisible Man says " I don't know, but my asshole sure hurts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxh7d/superman_and_wonder_woman/
%
I always set my watch 10 minutes forward.

I wanna be ahead of my time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxgda/i_always_set_my_watch_10_minutes_forward/
%
Awful pick up line

Are you my big toe?
Because i want to bang you on every piece of furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxcwl/awful_pick_up_line/
%
Why won't North Korea ever have a successful space program?

There's no air in space for them to eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qxc3q/why_wont_north_korea_ever_have_a_successful_space/
%
People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qx9fx/people_are_always_saying_americans_are_fat/
%
I saved a mans life today. He was choking.

So i took my hands off his throat.
and said, "dont make me save your life again and use your blinker next time asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qx8sy/i_saved_a_mans_life_today_he_was_choking/
%
Three Vampires go to a bar...

Three vampires go to a bar. First one orders a tall glass of blood. Second one orders a shot of blood and a blood on ice. Third one orders a mug of hot water. Upon hearing this second vampire exclaims: "You're a fucking vampire! What kind of a fag orders hot water?!"
Third vampire pulls out a bloody tampon from his pocket, and says: "I like to drink mine steeped."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qx6lf/three_vampires_go_to_a_bar/
%
I like my slaves like I like my coffee...

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qx5vs/i_like_my_slaves_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
I was walking in DC and saw a "Muslim Book Store"

Not knowing what that was, I decided to walk in and look around.
The clerk, who probably noticed that I wasn't exactly his normal type of client, asked if I needed help. So I asked, "Do you have any books on Donald Trumps Immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "GET OUT, GET OUT AND STAY OUT"
I said, "Yes yes, that one, do you still have the hard cover version?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qx3j6/i_was_walking_in_dc_and_saw_a_muslim_book_store/
%
My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats.

I guess I should really get off Tumblr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qx3gu/my_doctor_advised_me_to_stay_away_from_trans_fats/
%
Blonde Auto Repair...

A blonde was driving to the mall (of course!) when she got caught in a sudden hailstorm with hail the size of golf balls. Her car was ruined. She took it to a body shop and asked the appraiser, "How much to fix it?" The appraiser's answer was $5,000. The fair-hair girl exclaims, "Wow! That much? Isn't there something else I could do?" He decided to have a little fun. "Well, maybe if you blew real hard into the tail pipe, those dents would just pop out." "Really? Okay. Thanks," she said, never batting a long lash. She was lying on her garage floor with her lips around the exhaust pipe when her blonde roommate came up. "What are you doing?" she shrieked, fearing the worst. "I'm blowing into the tailpipe to pop out all those dents." "Oh, you silly! That won't work," replied her friend. "First, you need to roll up the windows!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qx3ev/blonde_auto_repair/
%
I like my women how I like my whiskey

12 years old and mixed up with coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qx3e9/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_whiskey/
%
What's the difference in roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qwzvf/whats_the_difference_in_roast_beef_and_pea_soup/
%
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. NSFW (?)

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qwy3u/a_lawyer_married_a_woman_who_had_previously/
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I've got a good joke for you guys...

But you've probably all Reddit before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qwt98/ive_got_a_good_joke_for_you_guys/
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3 men get onto a plane

One is English, one is French and the other is German.
The English man drops a stone, the french drops a knife and the German drops a bomb
When the English man gets back his Dad is in the garden crying. He asks why. His Dad says "Me and your Mother were gardening when a stone dropped from the sky and killed her.
When the French man gets back his Dad is in the garden crying. He asks why. His Dad says "Me and your Mother were gardening when a knife dropped from the sky and killed her.
When the German man gets back his Dad is in the garden Laughing. He asks why. His Dad says "I farted and Steve next door exploded!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qwt1y/3_men_get_onto_a_plane/
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I prefer posting memes over jokes

They just meme more to me
Im so sorry this was terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qwsp3/i_prefer_posting_memes_over_jokes/
%
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qwso2/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
%
A man was about to jump off the Empire State Building...

A physicist runs up to him and shouts "Don't do it you have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qwq8c/a_man_was_about_to_jump_off_the_empire_state/
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I used to hang out with a guy who was covered in mushrooms.

He was an all around fun guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qwq3w/i_used_to_hang_out_with_a_guy_who_was_covered_in/
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Best Way To Impress a Girl..

Boy To Gym Coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?" Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qwp8n/best_way_to_impress_a_girl/
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What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ?

Lets make salat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qwopw/what_did_the_halal_lettuce_say_to_the_halal/
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Jewish Joke

Old Jewish man on his death bed requests a priest. His family not understand why complies and requests a priest who on arrival is told by the old man that he wishes to convert to Christianity. The family is in disbelief and once the father has left asks the old man why? His replies "well if anyone has to die I would rather it be one of them".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qwn26/jewish_joke/
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You know what I hate?

1: Typing
2: Hypocrisy
3: Lists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qwmvy/you_know_what_i_hate/
%
My dad's bread factory burnt down

Now his business is toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qwi8f/my_dads_bread_factory_burnt_down/
%
Did you hear about the soldier with 8 limbs?

He was army

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qwg9r/did_you_hear_about_the_soldier_with_8_limbs/
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Marriage joke

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qw9p5/marriage_joke/
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I haven't made egg jokes in a while

I thought I'd take a crack at them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qw9in/i_havent_made_egg_jokes_in_a_while/
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My friend tried to sell me a triangular monitor

but I knew it was just a pyramid screen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qw66q/my_friend_tried_to_sell_me_a_triangular_monitor/
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My girlfriend was asked to step aside and frisked at the airport for resembling a Friends character.

I think she was a victim of Rachel profiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qw65l/my_girlfriend_was_asked_to_step_aside_and_frisked/
%
what do you call a cat in a blender?

Meow Mix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qw4vy/what_do_you_call_a_cat_in_a_blender/
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Once you throw a paper airplane it's no longer.....

Stationary.
Credit: u/Breeze_In_ The _ Trees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qw293/once_you_throw_a_paper_airplane_its_no_longer/
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What do you call a pig that's a lumber jack?

Well you call him porkchop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvu5n/what_do_you_call_a_pig_thats_a_lumber_jack/
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A comma is the difference between

"Yesterday, I met the strippers, Donald Trump, and Hillary Clinton."
and
"Yesterday, I met the strippers, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvtiw/a_comma_is_the_difference_between/
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WAYS TO SAY NO

1. I want to spend more time with my blender.
2. The man on television told me to say tuned.
3. It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
4. I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
5. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
6. I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
7. I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
8. I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
9. My plot to take over the world is thickening.
10. I have to fulfill my potential.
11. It's too close to the turn of the century.
12. I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
13. I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
14. I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
15. I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
16. I'm trying to be less popular.
17. I have to study for a blood test.
18. I prefer to remain an enigma.
19. I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvtif/ways_to_say_no/
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Why aren't Jews easily distracted?

because they've been to concentration camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvrws/why_arent_jews_easily_distracted/
%
How many babies does it take to paint a house?

None. The minimum age for physical labour in most places is 13-15 and babies would not be allowed to use the paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvruq/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_house/
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Heisenberg's wife was unhappy...

because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.
Credit to Greg and/or Terry from American Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvrri/heisenbergs_wife_was_unhappy/
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I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup.

After that I had a massive vowel movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvrlk/i_ate_4_bowls_of_delicious_alphabet_soup/
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What did the surgeon say to his constipated patient?

Cut that shit out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvr3f/what_did_the_surgeon_say_to_his_constipated/
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Whats the difference between a Blonde and a Washing Machine?

The Washing Machine will not follow you around for 2 weeks after you dump a load in it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvpsn/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a/
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So I was at the bar the other night exchanging pleasantries with an attractive woman.

She said she would like to read my palm...  Okay!
She takes my hand and asks... "Do you come here often?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvpiu/so_i_was_at_the_bar_the_other_night_exchanging/
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Anyone hear of the rapist mechanic?

They say he screws, nuts, and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvnht/anyone_hear_of_the_rapist_mechanic/
%
How are women like KFC?

After your done munching on the breasts and thighs, you have a nice greasy box to put your bone in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvmq1/how_are_women_like_kfc/
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Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.

Most strippers have little or no coverage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvitn/health_insurance_is_rare_for_exotic_dancers/
%
I got caught fapping while sniffing the underwear of my friends mother.

It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't wearing them at the time.
He went fucking ballistic.
Sure as hell made the rest of her funeral really awkward for the both of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvijb/i_got_caught_fapping_while_sniffing_the_underwear/
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What's the difference between Feminism and Islam

One is a woman led group that aims to beat the patriarchy.
The other is a patriarchy that aims to beat women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvi0s/whats_the_difference_between_feminism_and_islam/
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You really gotta hand it to short people

because they usually can't reach it anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvhte/you_really_gotta_hand_it_to_short_people/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning Hippy?

Because he was too far out, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvhlh/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_drowning_hippy/
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David had his ID stolen yesterday...

So we call him Dav now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvght/david_had_his_id_stolen_yesterday/
%
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's,

she changes it more often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvfvr/a_womans_mind_is_cleaner_than_a_mans/
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Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank the coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvfmm/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
There once was a rich man who was near death...

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.
Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”. The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”. St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, “You brought pavement?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvfmd/there_once_was_a_rich_man_who_was_near_death/
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Why are the twin towers and genders so similar?

Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvf7p/why_are_the_twin_towers_and_genders_so_similar/
%
Why can't motorcycles go faster?

They're two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvf5a/why_cant_motorcycles_go_faster/
%
Why does the little Mermaid wear sea shells

Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qveq4/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_sea_shells/
%
How do you say goodbye in Arabic?

"BOOM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvc69/how_do_you_say_goodbye_in_arabic/
%
What did one tower say to the other?

I've got a plane to catch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvbvr/what_did_one_tower_say_to_the_other/
%
What happened when the gay guy put a nicoderm patch on his wiener?

He cut down to two butts a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvbou/what_happened_when_the_gay_guy_put_a_nicoderm/
%
Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children.

"So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?" the nun asks.
The first woman responds, "Well, I've become an engineer, I'm married and I have three kids."
The second woman says, "I've become an accountant, and I'm happily married with two children!"
The third woman slowly responds, "Well... Um, I'm... I'm a prostitute..."
"You're a WHAT???" says the nun, furiously.
"Well... I'm a prostitute."
"Oh, thank God," the nun says, "I thought you said you were a Protestant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvab0/three_women_are_going_back_to_visit_the_catholic/
%
A Russian fresh off the boat walks into a Bar

He is carrying a bucket of shit,a dead cat and he has a pistol in his waist.He walks up to the bar and takes a seat.with a thick Russian accent he says to the Bartender " Give me a beer".the bartender does.The Russian slammed the beer back,than he pulls the pistol and puts one round into the bucket of shit and than takes a bite out of the dead cat.This goes on three more times till finally the Bartender says" what are you doing" the Russian replies"I'm doing like all GREAT AMERICANS DO,DRINK BEER,SHOOT SHIT AND EAT PUSSY!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qv9gv/a_russian_fresh_off_the_boat_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man, Tony, breaks up with his girlfriend...

...and decides the best way to get over her is to go to the bar and pick up a new chick for the night. He buys drinks for all the ladies and none of them show interest. At the end of the night the bartender makes the last call and Tony, disappointed, makes his way out the back to head home. As the door to the bar closes behind him, he notices a drunk hobo passed out over the sidewalk railing. Tony glances around to see if anyone is nearby and prods the hobo to see if he'll wake up. The hobo grumbles slightly but otherwise doesn't show any intention of waking up anytime soon. So, after not getting any action at the bar and knowing that nobody would ever find out, he drops the hobo's pants and removes his own and gets it on with the hobo. Tony finishes up and cleans up himself and the hobo. He begins to walk away but starts feeling guilty for using the hobo so he slips five bucks into the hobo's pocket and heads home.
The next morning the hobo wakes up disoriented and hungover. He looks around and slides his hands into his pockets as he begins his morning walk around the block only to feel something strange with his hands. He pulls out the five bucks and is ecstatic! He can't believe it and runs down to the liquor store, slams the five bucks down on the counter and says, "Give me five bucks worth of the cheapest stuff you've got!" The clerk takes the money and hands the hobo the cheapest liquor they've got. The hobo grabs it and walks out of the store, drinking the liquor for the rest of the day. Eventually, he heads back to his spot behind the bar and passes out.
Meanwhile, Tony headed back to the bar in hopes of getting some action from the ladies tonight but just like last night, every girl in the bar didn't even notice him. Closing time rolls around and Tony heads out the back door to make the long, lonely trip back home. Tired and hurt, Tony barely noticed the hobo slumped over the railing again. Tony wasn't planning on spending the night alone so decides that it can't hurt anything to have a go with the hobo again. He yanks down the hobo's pants and unzips his own and starts going at it with the hobo. A few minutes later, he cleans up, slips a five in the hobo's pocket and heads home satisfied.
The next morning, the hobo wakes up more hungover than yesterday and slips his hands into his pocket and yelps for joy as he pulls another five bucks out of his pocket. "It's a miracle!" he says to himself as he makes his way back to the liquor store. He walks in, slams down the five bucks, and demands cheapest liquor. The clerk grabs the cash and hands over the liquor and the hobo makes his way out of the store. The hobo gulps down the liquor throughout the day and passes out behind the bar again for another night.
Meanwhile, Tony was telling all his single friends who couldn't get any action that they should all come to the bar with him tonight in hopes of having better luck in numbers. A few of them have other plans but three of his friends decide to go. So the four of them head to the bar and just like the last two nights, all the women ignore Tony and pay no attention to his friends. So when the bartender makes the last call, the four of them head out the back to go their separate ways but lo-and-behold the hobo is slumped over the railing again. Tony's friends laugh at him and begin heading home but Tony stops them and lets them in on his secret. They can't believe it so Tony tells them to watch as he goes at it with the hobo for the third night in a row. Tony's friends are amazed and each one of them takes turns with the hobo, leaving five bucks each time. Satisfied, they all head home for the night.
The next morning the hobo wakes up and reaches into his pockets and pulls out twenty bucks! He looks at the wad of cash and sprints to the liquor market. He slams twenty bucks on the counter and says, "Give me twenty bucks of your most expensive liquor!" The clerk takes the money and says, "You know, you could get a lot more liquor if you get twenty bucks of our cheapest stuff again." The hobo nods, "Yeah, I know, but that cheap stuff is making my ass hurt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qv6ly/a_man_tony_breaks_up_with_his_girlfriend/
%
I had to use my glasses when playing tennis.

Because its a no contact sport.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qv6i6/i_had_to_use_my_glasses_when_playing_tennis/
%
Finally gets a chance to go to a bar.

A guy gets home from work early one evening and finds a message from his wife stating she will be working late and to entertain himself for the evening.  As any married man knows, when you have a free evening, you take advantage of it and so, he headed down to the bar. What a night, drinks, has a great time and stays out late. When the night finally comes to an end, he tries to stand up and falls flat on his face.  He tries again, and wham... flat on his face again. He tries several times but no matter what, he is too drunk to function and he knows his wife will be home soon, so he drags himself the few blocks home, crawls into bed and his wife won't be the wiser.
The next morning he wakes up to his wife screaming at him.
w- what did you do last night?
h- stayed home, watched the game, went to bed early
w- you sure you don't go out? maybe have a pint or two down the street?
h- nope.. stayed home
w- that's funny, the bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qv5pg/finally_gets_a_chance_to_go_to_a_bar/
%
The pirate missing a hand was looking for a replacement.

I suggested the second hand store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qv581/the_pirate_missing_a_hand_was_looking_for_a/
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Man dies and goes to heaven, filled with rooms he hears a party behind each door is happening.

St. Peter (or whoever the afterlife tour guide is) took him to the first door and opened it. The room was full of Muslims welcoming the man to come in and join them.
Passing they moved on to the next door to find a room full of Jewish people celebrating the afterlife.
Next a room of Buddhists - all calling for the man to come in and join the splendor of the afterlife.
The next room, however, is passed by as St Peter whispers, "shhhh just skip that one. It's the Christians, they think they're the only ones here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qv1al/man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_filled_with_rooms_he/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby....

The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qv0vc/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
%
Why do white girls hang out in odd numbers?

They can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4quwrl/why_do_white_girls_hang_out_in_odd_numbers/
%
What do computers snack on?

micro chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4quvbc/what_do_computers_snack_on/
%
What is the difference between a politician and a mortician?

A Mortician waits until after you're dead to fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4quutu/what_is_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with two people is called a twosome...

then I know why people call you handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qusoa/if_sex_with_three_people_is_called_a_threesome/
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I just ended a five year relationship.

I feel like maybe that arguing couple at the store was none of my business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4quro8/i_just_ended_a_five_year_relationship/
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What do you call a happy ending at a Jewish massage parlor?

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qupyw/what_do_you_call_a_happy_ending_at_a_jewish/
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Forgiving Your Enemies

After a long sermon, the priest asks his parishioners if they are ready to forgive their enemies. About half of the people in the congregation raise their hands. The priest talks for another 20 minutes and at the end asks the same question. This time, 80 percent of the parishioners raise their hands. The priest then talks for 15 more minutes and asks if the parishioners are ready to forgive their enemies. This time everyone raises their hands, except for the little old lady in the back.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not ready to forgive your enemies?" asks the priest.
"I don't have any" says Mrs. Johnson.
"That is amazing. How old are you?"
"I'm 93."
"Will you please go to the altar and explain to all of us how anybody could make it to 93 years old without having any enemies?"
Mrs. Johnson gets up and goes to the altar. As she's facing the congregation, she says,
"Simple, I outlived those bastards!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qupgj/forgiving_your_enemies/
%
A white guy and black argue if God is black or white...

Two friends are walking down a street arguing with one another about God being black or white. After arguing for many hours they both agree that they will go to a church and pray for the answer. They both enter the church and start praying asking God for an answer. Finally a loud voice fills the room saying "I am what I am." The white guy turns to his black friend and said "Ha, I told you God was white!" Confused the black friend said "How can you tell?" The white friend said...
Because, if God was black he would have said 'I is what I is'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4quovv/a_white_guy_and_black_argue_if_god_is_black_or/
%
A woman told her physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex...

A woman told her physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure that it was a good idea.
The doctor asked: "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she loves it.
He asked: "Does it hurt?"
She said that it feels wonderful.
The doctor told her: "Well, then there's no reason that you shouldn't have anal sex, just take care not to get pregnant."
The surprised woman asked: "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied: "Sure. Where do you think lawyers come from!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4quot7/a_woman_told_her_physician_that_her_husband_had/
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What do you call a Hispanic guy's quest to get gender reassignment surgery?

Manuel Trans Mission

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qumxy/what_do_you_call_a_hispanic_guys_quest_to_get/
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Why do old people read the bible so much?

Cramming for finals :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qukmd/why_do_old_people_read_the_bible_so_much/
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I like my women how i like my Internet.

Fast and Cheap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qui9k/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_internet/
%
I saw a man sitting on a curb looking down on his luck so I gave him a dollar

he gave it back and said " I'm not homeless, I'm married "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4queru/i_saw_a_man_sitting_on_a_curb_looking_down_on_his/
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What is the worst about a being black AND Jewish?

Sitting in the back of the oven.
Sorry if this is considered extremely racist mods, please remove if you consider it to be!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4quem9/what_is_the_worst_about_a_being_black_and_jewish/
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The Jump

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4quehn/the_jump/
%
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qud86/why_doesnt_santa_claus_have_any_kids/
%
A merchant ship captain spots a pirate vessel in the distance...

He says, "First mate, there is a pirate vessel coming straight for us. We must take evasive maneuvers. And bring me my red shirt."
The first mate says, "Your red shirt? Why captain?"
Captain says, "So if I am wounded in the coming battle, the men won't know see me bleed."
"Good Idea!" Says the first mate.
They survive the battle, the captain is uninjured and they sail on. Two days later the captain sees 4 pirate ships in closing in on them in the distance.
Captain says, "First mate, we have two pirate ships baring down on us today. We must take evasive maneuvers and prepare to be boarded. Oh, and bring me my brown pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qucnx/a_merchant_ship_captain_spots_a_pirate_vessel_in/
%
Marriage jok

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"  The husband said, "No sweetie."  The woman said, "I'm sure you would."  So the man said, "Okay, I would"  Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"  And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."  Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"  And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qubjc/marriage_jok/
%
Bill Gates wakes up one morning...

...goes downstairs and is shocked to see his two polish housekeepers are nowhere to be seen.
He yells for his wife "Honey, where the hell have the maids gone?"
"Oh, Steve Jobs knocked on the door this morning" Replied his wife. "He offered both the house keepers twice what you're paying them to come and work for him, they couldn't pass the offer up!"
Furious, Bill slams his fists down on the table "Fucking Jobs!" he screams "Coming over here and taking our immigrants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qub46/bill_gates_wakes_up_one_morning/
%
Anyone ever notice "Seven" has the word "even" in it.

That's odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qu6xs/anyone_ever_notice_seven_has_the_word_even_in_it/
%
The wife told me she's sick of me pushing her around and talking behind her back.

I said "Well you are in a wheelchair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qu6as/the_wife_told_me_shes_sick_of_me_pushing_her/
%
How does a WWE wrestler like his eggs?

Raw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qu4iq/how_does_a_wwe_wrestler_like_his_eggs/
%
Three Women are About to be Executed

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.  She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."  Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.  She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!"  Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qu325/three_women_are_about_to_be_executed/
%
How did Mace die?

Through the Windu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qu202/how_did_mace_die/
%
What do you call a religious termite in Hungary?

Buddha-pest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qu1wm/what_do_you_call_a_religious_termite_in_hungary/
%
Emotion Costume Party

A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in. A lady comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!" and lets her in. Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his penis stuck in it, and the other guy has his penis in a hollowed-out pear. "Wait a minute," she says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!" The first guy says, "Yeah, and I'm f**king dis-custard." The second guy says, "And I'm deep in dis-pear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qu0oo/emotion_costume_party/
%
So a policeman see's two kids in a street corner

One's drinking battery acid while the other is eating fireworks
So the policeman charged one and let one off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qty4v/so_a_policeman_sees_two_kids_in_a_street_corner/
%
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma go to a bar.

They both had a great time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qtvkh/jeff_a_semicolon_and_an_oxford_comma_go_to_a_bar/
%
What type of Bee gives Milk?

A BooBee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qtve5/what_type_of_bee_gives_milk/
%
Bar vs Church

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church!!!
The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.
Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.
Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.
The Church Denied all Responsibility!!!
So, the judge commented,
"It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"
Superb one.
What an irony!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qturx/bar_vs_church/
%
Offside rule for women

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and ""whilst it is in flight"" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!
But, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper.
That, guys, is how you explain the football offside rule to the ladies.
Finally, after so many years, l found this!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qtsbs/offside_rule_for_women/
%
A math professor, John, has problems with his sink .....

so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qtrnu/a_math_professor_john_has_problems_with_his_sink/
%
I like my women like I like my wine...

Twelve years old and in the cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qtqz0/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_wine/
%
I stepped on a nail the other day

I was going to avoid it but I didn't see the point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qtnfd/i_stepped_on_a_nail_the_other_day/
%
How does a feminist know she's overweight?

She doesn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qtjqo/how_does_a_feminist_know_shes_overweight/
%
The Weenie Geenie

A man walks into a bar and compliments the manager on the little piano player. After the man asks where the manager found such a small man with exquisite talent, the manager gave the man a lamp. The man rubs the lamp and a genie comes out granting him one wish. The man in complete disbelief wishes for one billion bucks. The genie grants him his wish and directs him outside before disappearing completely. The man walks outside to see one billion ducks. Confused, he walks back to the manager and says he asked for one billion bucks, not ducks. The manager replies "Do you really think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qtir0/the_weenie_geenie/
%
My Dog voilet Rules

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qtihi/my_dog_voilet_rules/
%
What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?

They both swallow seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qterl/what_do_blondes_and_the_bermuda_triangle_have_in/
%
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

You put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qteiq/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
%
What happens when a cannibal decides to go vegan?

They start eating vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qtdxb/what_happens_when_a_cannibal_decides_to_go_vegan/
%
The small magical pig and the 3 wishes

There was once a little-bitty magical pig and it was very lonely. It had never met other animals or humans.
One day it going through a large forest and met a rabbit and a bear that was up and fight!
The pig ran howling over to them:
- "Stop !!!! I can not fight! You are the first animals I've ever met, so I will give you 3 wishes each!"
The rabbit and the bear kept with fighting and so the pig!
- "Well," said the bear. "Well then, I wish that all the bears in the entire forest becomes delicious she-bears!"
The rabbit thinks about it and says, "I wish me a Helmet!"
The bear chuckle and think: "It was a silly rabbit!"
- "Well, I wish that there is ONLY she-bears in the hole country and then me!"
The rabbit says, "I wish for a motorcycle!"
The bear laughing and thinking: "What the hell does that stupid rabbit want with a motorcycle?"
- "Well, I wish there to be ONLY she-bears WORLDWIDE!"
The rabbit then sat up on his motorcycle and gases up ...... - "I wish that the bear is gay!"
Vrrrrooooouuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qtdus/the_small_magical_pig_and_the_3_wishes/
%
I had to stop watching An Inconvenient Truth after 20 minutes.

Can't stand movies with that much gore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qtcvv/i_had_to_stop_watching_an_inconvenient_truth/
%
Why did the husband go to jail for a crime his wife committed?

Because they finish each other's sentences

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qt3kt/why_did_the_husband_go_to_jail_for_a_crime_his/
%
What's the difference between bruce banner and bruce jenner?

One turned into a terrifying monster, the other is an avenger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qt193/whats_the_difference_between_bruce_banner_and/
%
A man was in Japan, and had hired a prostitute

And as he was going at it, she was screaming "Fujifoo! Fujifoo!"
He took this as that she was screaming with pleasure, and kept going.
The next day, he was playing golf with some Japanese friends. On one hole, he manages to score a hole in one. He jumps up into the air and exclaims "Fujifoo!"
His friends say to him "No, no, it's the right hole..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qsxoc/a_man_was_in_japan_and_had_hired_a_prostitute/
%
Altoids has begun marketing to the LGBT community.

Their new mints are bi-curiously strong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qsssd/altoids_has_begun_marketing_to_the_lgbt_community/
%
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qsq2q/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_joke/
%
God, the Atheists are coming!

God: "Tell them I'm not around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qsokh/god_the_atheists_are_coming/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's a bit heavy, the others a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qsogv/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
In baseball, why does it take longer to get from second to third than any other bases?

Because there's a short stop in between.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qsih3/in_baseball_why_does_it_take_longer_to_get_from/
%
Today is my birthday,

and my lesbian neighbors decided to gift me a Rolex. I don't think they quite understood when I said "I wanna watch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qschw/today_is_my_birthday/
%
The Three Forbidden Tortures

A man's car breaks down and is forced to walk to the nearest phone for help.  Unfortunately, being in the country, he ends up walking a ways before he finds a small farm.  He knocks on the door and an old Chinese farmer opens the door.  The man explains his predicament and asks to use his telephone but the old man shakes his head and says, "I have no telephone, but you may stay the night until the sun rises.  But only under the condition that you stay away from my daughter or you shall receive the three forbidden tortures!"
The man, thinking only that the farmer is a little overprotective, but not having much of a choice, accepts the farmer's agreement.  Over dinner, the farmer's beautiful daughter eyes him and playfully rubs her leg against his.  That night, thinking that the old man would never know, sneaks into her bed.
The next morning he wakes up with a large rock on his chest.  A note on the rock says, "First forbidden torture:  rock on chest."  The man hastily stands up and throws the rock out the window when he sees the underside of the rock with a note that reads, "Second forbidden torture:  rock tied to ball."
Surely enough, he sees a quickly diminishing coil of rope leading to one of his balls.  In panick, he decides to jump out the window and as he exits the window, on the underside of the window frame is yet another note written, "Third forbidden torture: other ball tied to bed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qsao1/the_three_forbidden_tortures/
%
How do you turn a seal into a sea lion?

Remove an electron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qs8hs/how_do_you_turn_a_seal_into_a_sea_lion/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*Gag*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qs8cd/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
"I can't stand when people say they hate both of the presidential candidates."

--Stephen Hawking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qs5py/i_cant_stand_when_people_say_they_hate_both_of/
%
God went to the Garden of Eden to visit Adam and Eve...

... and found Adam sitting under a tree, relaxing.
"How's everything?" asked God.
"Good, thank you! This place is great!" said Adam.
"Where's Eve?" asked God, looking around.
"Well, we just had sex, and it was great," said Adam, "and so she went down to the river, to take a bath."
"Oh no, not the river!" said God. "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qs5lf/god_went_to_the_garden_of_eden_to_visit_adam_and/
%
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qs47e/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
%
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qrztr/i_was_standing_at_the_bar_one_night_minding_my/
%
My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night.

Three in the morning, can you believe it?! He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qrzns/my_neighbor_came_over_and_knocked_on_my_door_at_3/
%
The other day some guy came up to me, called me a Blockhead and then proceeded to hit me with his rhythm stick...

I though "That just adds insult to Ian Dury."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qrnv8/the_other_day_some_guy_came_up_to_me_called_me_a/
%
I shot a black man the other day.

Now I'm being charged for impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qrkus/i_shot_a_black_man_the_other_day/
%
Why did the blonde snort Nutrasweet?

Because she thought it was Diet Coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qrkn8/why_did_the_blonde_snort_nutrasweet/
%
I find whiteboards to be absolutely fascinating.

They're remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qrk8v/i_find_whiteboards_to_be_absolutely_fascinating/
%
Chinese Doctor

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Chinese Doctors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qrk7i/chinese_doctor/
%
Hunting lodge

A young man goes to a hunting lodge with dreams of becoming one of the greatest hunters.
He asks around about who can give the best advice on hunting,  and is directed to a 103 year old man with 90 years of experience.  He gathers his courage and finally approaches the old man sitting in a wheel chair by the fire.
"Sir, could you please tell me stories of your hunts, like when were you the most scared? "
The old man leans forward in his chair and begins,  "when i was about 30 I was hunting game in Africa.  All day I was out in the sun without seeing anything.  The heat finally got to me and I decided to nap under a tree.  I had just got comfortable when suddenly a lion jumped out....RRAAWR, well I just shit my pants."
The young man nods his head.  "If that happened to me I would be terrified too."
The old man shakes his head.  "No,  you don't understand.  When I said Rraawr I shit my pants. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qrg34/hunting_lodge/
%
Women can be sexist too

It's just that men are better at it like everything else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qrew1/women_can_be_sexist_too/
%
How do you castrate a redneck?

Kick his sister's jaw in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qreen/how_do_you_castrate_a_redneck/
%
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qrbui/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
%
My grandpa says he hates gay men

I think he's just bitter about his last boyfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qrble/my_grandpa_says_he_hates_gay_men/
%
How boutta blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qra0x/how_boutta_blowjob/
%
How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qr9zn/how_are_women_and_tornadoes_alike/
%
How do you kill a hipster?

Drown him in the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qr9ye/how_do_you_kill_a_hipster/
%
A boy comes home from school

:
Kid: Dad, math teacher wants to see you.
Dad: Why, what happened?
Kid: Today at class he asked me "What is 9x7?", I said 63. Then he asked me "What is 7x9?", I said "What the fuck is the difference?".
Dad thinks fair enough, says he will drop by. Next day, boy comes home, asks his dad:
Kid: Dad did you come to school?
Dad: Not yet.
Kid: Well, now my gym teacher wants to see you too.
Dad: Why, what happenned?
Kid: Today at gym class, he asked me to raise my right hand, i did. Then he asked me to raise my left hand, i did. Then he asked me to raise my right leg, i did. Then he asked me to raise my left leg, i asked, "Am i supposed to stand on my dick?".
Dad thinks fair enough, says he will drop by. Next day, boy comes home, asks his dad:
Kid: Dad did you come to school?
Dad: Not yet.
Kid: Well don't, i got expelled.
Dad: Why, what happened?
Kid: Today, they summoned me to principal's office. Math, gym and history teachers were waiting for me there.
Dad: What the fuck was the history teacher doing there?
Kid: I asked the same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qr9om/a_boy_comes_home_from_school/
%
Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.
Credit: 3rd grade me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qr6ah/why_do_pencils_shave/
%
My favorite position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qr5lz/my_favorite_position_is_the_jfk/
%
Why Did The Hedgehog Cross The Road?

Because he wanted to see his flat mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qr1xe/why_did_the_hedgehog_cross_the_road/
%
A husband and wife attended a county fair where a man in an old biplane was giving rides for $50.

The couple wanted to ride, but they thought the pilot's price was too high. They tried negotiating to get him to lower the price, offering $50 for them both, but he wouldn't budge. Finally, the pilot made them an offer.
"You pay me the whole $100, and I'll take you up," he said. "And if you don't say a single word during the flight, I'll give you back all your money."
They agreed and the couple got into the plane. Up they went, and the pilot proceeded to do every aerial maneuver he knew: diving, looping, rolling and flying upside down. When the plane landed, the pilot said to the husband, "Congratulations! Here's your $100. You didn't say a word."
"Nope," answered the husband, "but I almost did when my wife fell out."
(Taken from the book "Make today count" by John C. Maxwell)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qqyso/a_husband_and_wife_attended_a_county_fair_where_a/
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Energetic old couple recreate their first date.

An elderly couple, celebrating their 50th anniversary, decide to recreate their first date by having dinner at the same restaurant.  They order the same dinner, the same drinks, and the same dessert as their first time.
As they're reminiscing, the drinks start kicking in and the old guy starts getting amorous thoughts.
"Do you remember what we did after dinner on that night?" he asks.
With a twinkle in her eye she replies "Yes. We went around by the back fence for a quickie."
Encouraged, he suggests they fully recreate that night, to which she agrees.
A waitress happens to overhear them and their plan and decides to make sure the old couple don't do themselves any harm, and follows them. To her surprise she witnesses the old couple going at it wildly for well over 20 minutes before collapsing to the ground in a state of exhaustion.
The waitress is amazed at the stamina of the old couple and decides to approach them to find out their secret. "I overheard that you were recreating your first date, including a quickie by the fence, but I'm amazed. How were you able to make love so passionately for all that time?  You would have put most teenagers to shame!"
"Well you see this fence right here," the old guy replies, "50 years ago, it wasn't electrified."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qqx1v/energetic_old_couple_recreate_their_first_date/
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea and not the bay?

Because if they did they would be Bagels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qqqse/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea_and_not_the_bay/
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The captain of a battleship sees a light in the heavy fog...

The captain called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
Back came a signal, "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
The captain said, "Send, I'm a captain, change course 20 degrees."
"I'm a seaman second class," came the reply. "You had better change course 20 degrees."
By that time, the captain was furious. He spat out, "Send, I'm a battleship. Change course 20 degrees."
Back came the flashing light, "I'm a lighthouse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qqqcn/the_captain_of_a_battleship_sees_a_light_in_the/
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[NSFW] A man goes to the doctor...

He asks his Doctor: "Doctor, I need your help. My wedding is coming up and I need to know, is there any way to tell if my wife is really still a virgin when our special night comes along?"
The doctor tells him: "yes there is" and proceeds to give him a flask with red paint, a flask with blue paint and a spade.
The man looks confused so the doctor explains. Before your special night, you paint one of your balls blue, and the other one red. When your wife takes off your pants and looks and says "I've never seen balls like these!?" You hit her with the spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qqneh/nsfw_a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Why do women close their eyes during sex?

Because they can't stand to see a man happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qqk3y/why_do_women_close_their_eyes_during_sex/
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What is a chinese pirate an expert at?

Flying a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qqi73/what_is_a_chinese_pirate_an_expert_at/
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GF asks his BF,

GF: Am I pretty or ugly?
BF: You're both.
GF: I'm confused. How's that?
BF: You're pretty ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qqgmb/gf_asks_his_bf/
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What did the Jewish pedophile say?

"Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qqcd1/what_did_the_jewish_pedophile_say/
%
I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium hooked up last night.

I was like OMg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qq8hs/i_heard_that_oxygen_and_magnesium_hooked_up_last/
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My kids don't beg for toys and I realized it's because they never get to see commercials

Because they're locked in a cage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qq18u/my_kids_dont_beg_for_toys_and_i_realized_its/
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Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
'Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
'Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and napkins flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpyzx/irish_viagra/
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What's the difference between being tired and exhausted?

If you run in front of a car, you get tired.
If you run behind one, you get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpwip/whats_the_difference_between_being_tired_and/
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What's the difference between a white girl and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpwh4/whats_the_difference_between_a_white_girl_and_a/
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What do you call a smart person in America?

A tourist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpvfu/what_do_you_call_a_smart_person_in_america/
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Working at the aluminum recycling plant is the saddest job I've ever had...

... It's just soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpuqu/working_at_the_aluminum_recycling_plant_is_the/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpu7u/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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I hate proof reading.

I like to think that whatever I wrote the first time around is already perefct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qptgq/i_hate_proof_reading/
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in...

“Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qprtv/a_mother_is_in_the_kitchen_making_dinner_for_her/
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What's black and never works?

DECAF YOU RACIST FUCK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpquy/whats_black_and_never_works/
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Gin is the Ionian mode of liquors...

it will always resolve with tonic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qppxb/gin_is_the_ionian_mode_of_liquors/
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An elderly lady went to court…

An elderly lady went to court for shoplifting.
"What is it that you stole?" the judge asked her.
"Well, Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
"Alright. How many peaches were in the can?"
"Six," she answered, wondering what he would ask that for.
"Okay. Well, I'm going to give you six days of jail, since there were six peaches in the can, okay? Does that sound fair to you?"
"Yes, Your Honor. I suppose it does."
"Your Honor!" her husband piped up. "I thought you should also know… she also stole a can of peas…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpp3h/an_elderly_lady_went_to_court/
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What did a cell say to his sister cell, when she stepped on his toe?

Mitosis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpm6v/what_did_a_cell_say_to_his_sister_cell_when_she/
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A group of engineering proffesors got in a plane...

Before closing the doors, the flight attendants told them that the plane had been built by their own students. Scared, all of the teachers ran out of the plane, except one. The pilot came to him and asked him why he was so relaxed. The proffesor said "I know my students very well. And I'm sure that if this plane is really built by them, the thing won't even start!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qplnh/a_group_of_engineering_proffesors_got_in_a_plane/
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Shoutout to grandpa...

That's the only way he can hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpk59/shoutout_to_grandpa/
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So, I was at work the other day and...

My manager asked,
"How good are you at PowerPoint?"
I said, "I Excel at it."
He replied, "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
I was like, "Word."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpjcb/so_i_was_at_work_the_other_day_and/
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Looks like the UK didn't read the fine print when cutting off ties with the EU...

You Brexit, you bought it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qph4f/looks_like_the_uk_didnt_read_the_fine_print_when/
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What do you call a cow that gets hit by a car?

A dead cow!
(My 5-year old made up this joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpgyi/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_gets_hit_by_a_car/
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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None. He fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpfsl/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
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How did Dairy Queen wind up pregnant?

Burger King didn't wrap his Whopper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpfnl/how_did_dairy_queen_wind_up_pregnant/
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My neighbor started yelling at my parents randomly

It turns out that ten years and eight months ago my parents broke his bed and never repaid him. I overheard my dad screaming and he said,"Oh we should pay you? You're lucky we aren't taking you to court! That accident happened on YOUR property!" I didn't know what he ment, so I just shrugged and blew out my candles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpdmi/my_neighbor_started_yelling_at_my_parents_randomly/
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What do you call a small dog that can store food?

Pupperware

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpdk1/what_do_you_call_a_small_dog_that_can_store_food/
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What's the difference between you and a rooster?

A rooster says "cock-a-doodle-do"
You say: "any cock will do!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpcgt/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_a_rooster/
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New CEO

The board of directors at one company decided to hire new executive staff in order to increase the company's profits. The new CEO was a very tough guy who made it his mission to rid the company of slackers. One time he notices a guy in the hallway leaning against the wall picking his nose. As there were other employees in the hallway, he decides to make a public firing. He walks up to the guy and asks,
"How much do you make in a week?"
"$400. Why?" says the guy, stunned by such a question.
The CEO then goes into his office and a few minutes later comes out with a large stack of bills. He hands $1600 to the guy and says,
"Here's your pay for four weeks. You're fired. Now get the fuck out of here and never come back"
The CEO, clearly pleased what he had just done turns to the witnessing employees and asks,
"Does anybody know what the hell this slacker was doing?"
One of the employees says,
"He was a pizza delivery guy waiting for someone to pay for the pizza he'd just delivered."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpb5b/new_ceo/
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What did earth say to the other planet?

"You guys have no life!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qp9y6/what_did_earth_say_to_the_other_planet/
%
A father caught his teenage son filming a lewd act on his cell phone with his girlfriend. He was outraged, having thought that he had raised his son to be better than this.

In his rage, he shouted, "Son! I never, ever want to see you film vertically ever again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qp8bu/a_father_caught_his_teenage_son_filming_a_lewd/
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A Catholic priest, a Christian pastor, and a Jewish rabbi

are camping in a forest, when they see a bear in distance. Each of them is eager to try and convert it to their religion, so they agree that each man get a chance to do his best. The priest goes first, and upon his return, states "I read to it from the catechism, and now next week is its' first communion!". The pastor goes next, and comes back with a smile on his face, "I read to it from the Bible, and it let me baptize it in the nearby waters!". Last but not least, was the rabbi. He left to go to the bear, and was gone for quite a while. After a while, getting worried, the priest and pastor went looking for him. When they found him, there was no sight of the bear, but the rabbi was torn to shreds and bleeding on the ground. "What happened??" they both exclaimed, as they rushed over to help him. "You know", said the rabbi, "looking back, perhaps it wasn't the best idea to start with circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qp6es/a_catholic_priest_a_christian_pastor_and_a_jewish/
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Racist comments...

Just like grandma used to make

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qp4hg/racist_comments/
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One day a boy goes to church

, all seemed normal except for one thing. The boy lacked parents. Finding this strange the priest asked the boy where his mother was. The boy refused to discuss of his mother. When the priest asked why the boy refused to talk of his mother, the boy asked if he could go outside so the priest complies. When the priest asked why they needed to step outside, the boy responded with "sorry, its rude to mention Satan in a church"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qp1vh/one_day_a_boy_goes_to_church/
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Reddit is like sex

A well-placed thumb makes all the difference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qp000/reddit_is_like_sex/
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What do Monica Lewinsky and an Asian political correspondent have in common?

All they talk about is the presidential erection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qoq9r/what_do_monica_lewinsky_and_an_asian_political/
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Why did the two tampons not talk to each other?

because they're both stuck up cunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qopoo/why_did_the_two_tampons_not_talk_to_each_other/
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How do fat women defy physics?

Because the heavier they get, the easier they are to pick up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qopdv/how_do_fat_women_defy_physics/
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What are the most common 3 words used all around the world?

Made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qonzt/what_are_the_most_common_3_words_used_all_around/
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What did the poles do during world war two?

They held the telephone wires off the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qomnh/what_did_the_poles_do_during_world_war_two/
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Why does it take 10 women with premenstrual tension to change a light bulb?

IT JUST DOES, OK JERK?!!!! NOW SHUT UP OR I WILL STAB YOU WITH THE SCISSORS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qokk4/why_does_it_take_10_women_with_premenstrual/
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What's the difference between Congress and a social experiment?

One of them is controlled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qojgf/whats_the_difference_between_congress_and_a/
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A man gets audited by the IRS...

and the auditor is not surprised when he arrives with his lawyer. As the men sit down the lawyer says, "Look, the reason my client is in this situation is because he is a terrible gambler."
"I am not a terrible gambler," the man replies. "I will make a bet right now. I bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye." he says to the auditor.
"You can't bite your own eye," the auditor replies. "I'll take your bet."
The man reaches up, removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor is in shock, he just bet this man $1,000 in front of a lawyer. The man however is generous.
"Ok, that wasn't really fair. You didn't know that I had a glass eye. So, for double or nothing I bet you I can bite my other eye."
The auditor is skeptical, but after careful examination determines that there is no way he has two glass eyes. "Fine, double or nothing, you cannot bite your other eye."
The man reaches into his mouth and pulls out his false teeth and carefully makes them bite down on his other eye.
The auditor is completely taken aback. How could he possibly be so dumb as to take that bet.
"Ok," the man says again. "You didn't know I had dentures, so I will give you one last chance. Double or nothing, I bet you I can stand on this side of your desk and piss over your desk and into that wastebasket without getting a single drop on your desk."
The auditor backs up and looks at the distance. There is no way the man could physically maintain a stream that could reach that distance. It had to be impossible.
"I have no choice," the auditor says. "I'll take the bet."
The man stands up, walks to the side of the desk and proceeds to piss all over the auditors desk, not a single drop reaching the wastebasket.
The auditor leaps from his seat and cheers his victory. The lawyer however, has his face in his hands, audibly groaning.
"Wait," the auditor says. "Why are you so upset?"
"Before we came in, he bet me $20,000 he could walk in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qoilh/a_man_gets_audited_by_the_irs/
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How many deadbeat dads does it take to change a lightbulb?

I wouldn't know, mine's never around.
(Alternately: "Well, he went out to get one...")

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qog1v/how_many_deadbeat_dads_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I hate seeing people I know on Tinder

My girlfriend has some explaining to do...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qoels/i_hate_seeing_people_i_know_on_tinder/
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Marriage Counseling

Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?
Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.
Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qodwf/marriage_counseling/
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Ray Charles...

... is driving and gets into a car accident... because he's blind. He wakes up in a hospital bed.
The doctor comes in and says, "Mr. Charles, I've got good news and bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
"Well, you've lost the use of your left side, due to the accident," says the doc.
"Well what's the good news, then?" asks RC.
"You've got the right one, baby!"
--
... I'm old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qobij/ray_charles/
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If a man runs over his wife, who's fault is it?

The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qoany/if_a_man_runs_over_his_wife_whos_fault_is_it/
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When life gets you down, remember the immortal words of Monty Python.

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qoa4d/when_life_gets_you_down_remember_the_immortal/
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Your life is like a box of chocolates

It will kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qo9xk/your_life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qo9n2/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
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30 years ago

A husband and his wife are lying in bed, reminiscing about their love life.
The woman asks: "What did you think of my body the day you first saw me naked, 30 years ago?"
"I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry"
"And what do you think of my body now?" Uttered the woman as she removed her robe.
"I think i did a pretty good job"
Edit spelling*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qo8z8/30_years_ago/
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I have no problem getting women into the sack...

... it's getting the sack into the back of my van that's the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qo6v3/i_have_no_problem_getting_women_into_the_sack/
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A man walks into a sex store...

He asks the shop keeper for an inflatable sex doll.   The shop keeper says,
"well I have threekinds in stock.
I have a blonde doll, ablack doll and a Muslim doll"
Perplexed, the guy says "well I kind of understand the difference between the blonde and the black dolls, but what's with the Muslim doll?"
The shopkeeper says, "well you have to blow the blond and the black dolls... But the Muslim one blows itself up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qo5rc/a_man_walks_into_a_sex_store/
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Hey UK! You're looking great!

Have you lost a few pounds?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qo31q/hey_uk_youre_looking_great/
%
Why does the Avon lady walk funny?

Because her lips stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qo202/why_does_the_avon_lady_walk_funny/
%
what's the difference between an onion & a bagpipe?

nobody cries when you slice up a bagpipe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qo1cy/whats_the_difference_between_an_onion_a_bagpipe/
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A deer walks out of a gay bar

"Damn I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qnzww/a_deer_walks_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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Whats the difference between a gun and a feminist?

A gun only has one trigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qnypw/whats_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a_feminist/
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How did the judge punish the criminal that couldn't get his thoughts in order and kept coming up with excuses that didn't make any sense and it was annoying and the jury became angry and it was so annoying for everyone?

It was a run-on sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qny2h/how_did_the_judge_punish_the_criminal_that/
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I asked my mom why she forced me to go to to singing lessons as a kid

She said singing is a skill I need to a choir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qnums/i_asked_my_mom_why_she_forced_me_to_go_to_to/
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Curiosity killed the cat...

Why the hell was she on Mars?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qntot/curiosity_killed_the_cat/
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I smell maple syrup!

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is . . . . .
molasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qnr34/i_smell_maple_syrup/
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I'm not allowed to play D&D anymore

Funny, but not a joke, this really happened.
So when I realized you could do ANYTHING, I used all of my turns (while my team was fighting a dragon) to try to pickpocket our strongest member's sword. Eventually I got a crit and "took the sword without him noticing" so he had no choice but to keep attacking with a pretend sword. Eventually his character died and we all ran away.
Another instance, we were approaching a dungeon and were trying to see past a locked door. Our party members didn't have enough perception(?) to look through the key hole, so I used my turn to "stick my character's genitals through the opening to widen it" well I ended up rolling a 1 and got stuck while taking bleed damage. It took two turns to get out and alerted the enemies behind the door.  We lost that battle as well since I used most of my turns to try to *critically jiggle orc titties*
This all happened between 2 and 3 am and I was never invited back but we're still all friends. It was my first time playing. My characters name was Thunderfuck McDumptruck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qnlvk/im_not_allowed_to_play_dd_anymore/
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Why did Kim Jong Un have so many books?

Because he is North Korea's great reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qnl98/why_did_kim_jong_un_have_so_many_books/
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Did you know the Dalai Lama has a gambling problem?

Yeah, he loves Tibet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qnkwu/did_you_know_the_dalai_lama_has_a_gambling_problem/
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An Englishman walks into a pole...

He tells him, "Get the fuck out of my country"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qnjxm/an_englishman_walks_into_a_pole/
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Can I talk to my son?

A father was nervously waiting for the risky surgery of his son to end. When he saw the doctor come out of the operating room he asked him: Doctor, could I talk to my son? So the doctor reassuringly responds: Of course. Nurse! Bring this man a ouija board!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qnjij/can_i_talk_to_my_son/
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Two hookers are standing on a corner...

when a cop car rolls by and the officer eyes them suspiciously. The girls act like they're waiting on the light to turn, and the officer drives off. One of the hookers watches the policeman drive off with disdain in her eyes. She asks the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other hooker ponders this for a bit then replies, "No, but I was swung around by my tits once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qniit/two_hookers_are_standing_on_a_corner/
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Where do farm animals get their groceries?

The pharmacy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qnhcc/where_do_farm_animals_get_their_groceries/
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I was in a band

One of our roadies was a German man.
There was a Czech one too.
Czech 1-2, Czech 1-2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qngdm/i_was_in_a_band/
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Happy and Sad

An old man says to his wife, "Honey, there is no possible way to feel both happiness and sadness at the same time."
The wife says, "Out of all your brothers, you have the biggest dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qnf60/happy_and_sad/
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Helen Keller walks into a bar

and a table. And some chairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qn3jr/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
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What is all this #Brexit going around?

When did Bromine decide to leave the periodic table?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qn3jh/what_is_all_this_brexit_going_around/
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Uncle got surgery to get 12 nipples

It's not just me, it sounds super weird, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qn3cg/uncle_got_surgery_to_get_12_nipples/
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A woman in r/relationships

has a chauvinistic boyfriend who is constantly joking with her about how her place is in the kitchen, having his dinner ready, and things of that nature. She asks the community for any suggestions on some witty come backs to her boyfriend's demeaning humor.
The top responder replied, "you better come back with a fucking sandwich."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qn0sc/a_woman_in_rrelationships/
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What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qmz9v/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_penis_with_a/
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People stuck in an elevator called for help.

They were let down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qmz0z/people_stuck_in_an_elevator_called_for_help/
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High grades

The son comes to his father:
"Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test"
"Congratulations son! In which test?"
"Breathalyzer. And they kept your car..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qmyyf/high_grades/
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So a Higgs boson meets the Pope...

"You can't have Mass without me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qmyek/so_a_higgs_boson_meets_the_pope/
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Ode to Hillary

There was a crooked woman, and she wore a crooked smile
She found a crooked dollar and she dodged a crooked trial
She bought a crooked server, and wed a crooked spouse
And they all lived together in a little crooked house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qmy19/ode_to_hillary/
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A LESSON IN GOVERNMENT

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qmvxb/a_lesson_in_government/
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I've started a new religion based on the consumption of high-percentage alcohol. Its only downside is that I now miss a lot of work due to hangovers

It's called absinthe-theism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qmv8o/ive_started_a_new_religion_based_on_the/
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I was at the pub with the lads and they were talking about blowjobs...

Having had somewhat of a sheltered upbringing I didn't know what that meant, so when I got home I said to my girlfriend "Do you know what a blowjob is?". She burst into tears and walked out of the room. I was very confused, and also a bit dissapointed as she had been sucking my dick at the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qmt77/i_was_at_the_pub_with_the_lads_and_they_were/
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According to Carl Jung, I should live life like a kleptomaniac hooker...

...and take things as they come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qmoe1/according_to_carl_jung_i_should_live_life_like_a/
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What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

Ones a goodyear and the others a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qmlt4/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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Went golfing with my Grandpa yesterday..

We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:
"Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree"
Well not to be outdone my ego took over and I grabbed my 9 iron to hit it right over that tree. I took my shot and *THWACK* the ball hit dead center of the tree and bounced back 30 yards behind me. That's when he chimes in again:
"Of course when I was your age that tree was only 2 feet tall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qmky5/went_golfing_with_my_grandpa_yesterday/
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THE BLONDE AND THE COW

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qmgfm/the_blonde_and_the_cow/
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As a child I was absolutely terrified of weather forecasters

..until I realised they weren't to scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qmdzj/as_a_child_i_was_absolutely_terrified_of_weather/
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THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived, she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me and she couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'My Son, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qm6ro/the_wedding_test/
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A girlfriend and boyfriend are talking...

The girl says, "hey John, how do you spell 'pedophilia?'" He responds, "gosh honey, why do you need to know? That's an awfully big word for an 8 year old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qm56x/a_girlfriend_and_boyfriend_are_talking/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.

He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for one million dollars?" She responds, "Well certainly!" Again he asks, "How about for  $10?" This time she answers, "Not at all. What do you think I am?" The man replies, "I have already established what you are. I'm just trying to negotiate a better price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qm4jo/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_young/
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Best cheers at the bar!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qm2qu/best_cheers_at_the_bar/
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So there are the baby boomers, generation x, and millenials. What do we call the next generation?

Fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qm1bg/so_there_are_the_baby_boomers_generation_x_and/
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My life sucks

Seriously. Fuck my life.
The only clothes I have are pants. I work at a fast-food restaurant flipping burgers and my only co-worker makes fun of me all day long. If I complain to my boss, he would just cut my pay or fire me, and there's no way I could get another job.
The only person willing to hang out with me is mentally-challenged. I guess he's the only one who can tolerate me. I never thought I was that socially awkward.
I really want to drive the fuck out of here, but I've failed every test I've taken. And do you know what the worst part is?
I live in a pineapple under the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qm0yz/my_life_sucks/
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Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qlzd7/why_do_midgets_laugh_when_they_run/
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My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma'

I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qlxub/my_nickname_in_the_north_pole_is_comma/
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DVDs died beacuse of Torrents. Hence,

DVD Rip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qlxl7/dvds_died_beacuse_of_torrents_hence/
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Dead again..

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qlu0w/dead_again/
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Why are teenage girls so odd?

Because they can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qlrv1/why_are_teenage_girls_so_odd/
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Have you heard about the elevator conspiracy?

Hundreds of people are saying they got stuck between floors. But I don't believe them. I think they made it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qlrji/have_you_heard_about_the_elevator_conspiracy/
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Three ducks were arrested one night for being in the lake after hours.

In court the judge asked the first duck why he was in the lake after hours. The duck said," I was blowing bubbles." The judge fined him and let him go.
The second duck came in and the judge asked him what he was doing after hours.  The duck said, "I was blowing bubbles." Annoyed the judge fined him and let him go.
The last duck came in and the judge asked why he was in the lake after hours. Before he could respond the judge said, "Let me guess, you were there blowing bubbles?"
The duck smiled and said, "No sir, My name is bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qlono/three_ducks_were_arrested_one_night_for_being_in/
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A farmer got in his beat-up old pickup, drove over to the neighbors and knocked on the door...

A farmer got in his beat-up old pickup, drove over to the neighbors and knocked on the door.
A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the man "is your mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, he went with mom and dad."
The man stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy considered this for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $100 for the boar, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qldgy/a_farmer_got_in_his_beatup_old_pickup_drove_over/
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So a guy works at a sex shop

And his friend was in the neighbourhood and decided to go in to say hello. After a brief hello and small talk, the shop owner asks his friend if he'll look after the store for 10-15 minutes, while he goes to the bank before it closes. The friend agrees and away he goes.
After 5 minutes, a woman walks in asking about one of the small vibrators on the wall behind him.
"Oh that white one? $25"
She agrees and pays him. After about another 5 minutes, another woman comes in asking about one of the dildos on the shelf.
"That big black one? Well it's kinda pricey, but $60 if you're interested."
She pays him as goes off on her way.
Just before the shop owner returns, another woman enters the store, but looks awfully nervous, as if she doesn't know what she wants, but quickly goes up to the front desk.
"How much for that one on the shelf, the big plaid one?" she asks timidly.
"Well that one's a limited edition, pretty much the only one in the store. It's quite pricey, I'm not sure if it's in your price range...$250."
She quickly thinks it over and says, "what the hell, you only live once! I'll buy it." He bags it up, and as she's exiting the shop, the owner returns.
"Hey thanks again for helping me out." He shakes his hand in gratitude.
"My pleasure," the friend replies.
"Did you manage to sell anything while I was away?" he asks.
"Absolutely. I sold one of your white vibrators for $25" the friend says proudly.
"Great! I sell them for $15."
Then the friend continues, "I sold the big black dildo for $60."
"That's incredible! I charge only $40 for it," the shop owner beams.
"You kidding? That's nothing! I sold your thermos for $250!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qld0m/so_a_guy_works_at_a_sex_shop/
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What's wrong with a joke containing Cobalt, Radon and Yttrium?

It's CoRnY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qlapu/whats_wrong_with_a_joke_containing_cobalt_radon/
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Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic!
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real bad.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'
'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.'
'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ql9js/royal_wedding/
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Breaking up with your significant other is like bowling

You carry something heavy going into it, and if it goes as planned, you walk away with an X.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ql6sa/breaking_up_with_your_significant_other_is_like/
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A father has a conversation with his twin sons.

Sick of hiding in the closet two brothers decide to come out to their father. They sit their 67 year old father into his favourite lazy boy and bring him his pipe.
&nbsp;
The dad amicably addresses his sons. "Well, what do you want, boys?"
The first son sits down after seeing his father in a good mood and starts the conversation. "Dad... I'm gay. My friend and I have been dating for eight months. I want your blessing."
&nbsp;
The Dad smiles taking a drag out of his pipe. "Kid, I've known you were gay since you were four. What's best is you accept yourself and I'm glad you've gained the confidence to..."
&nbsp;
The second son relieved decides to come out of the closet as well. "D, dad. I'm a brony. I want to be with Princess Celestia and one day I..."
&nbsp;
The father sighs and interrupts his second son.
&nbsp;
"Can't you just like dicks like your brother? Why do you have to be such a faggot, boy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ql4yu/a_father_has_a_conversation_with_his_twin_sons/
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The big date

Johnny's parents were sitting at the kitchen table when Johnny came rushing in the back door door, whizzing past and said, "Hi  Mom, hi Dad" as he headed upstairs in an apparent rush. The mom looked at the dad and said, "Wonder what he's up to? You'd better check". With that the father headed upstairs to Jonny's room.
" What's going on Johnny?". Johnny obviously excited said, "Dad, remember that hot cheerleader I told you about? Well I am having dinner at her parents house and then we're going to the movies!!"
Dad said, "That's great Johnny! But you know, we've never really discussed the, er birds and the bees thing.." Johnny interrupted , "Dad we had this discussion in 9th grade science class. I know ALL about it!"....
"Well Johnny, you know that we're a deeply religious family and don't believe in premarital sex, but I also know how the world is, so even though I DO NOT condone it, please be sure you have a condom.....and DON'T tell your mom I said this. Just be very careful son".  Johnny said, " Jeez dad, I'm not stupid" and with that told his dad he had to get showered and leave because dinner was in an hour!
On the way to his date's house, Johnny heeded his father's advice and went into the local drugstore.  He went to the back counter where they kept the condoms and asked the pharmacist, "Excuse me sir, do you have any profolactics?". The old man looked at him and said, " how old are you boy?" To which Johnny replied, "17 sir". The pharmacist muttered under his breath, " what is the world coming to these days...." What kind do you want boy?"...."I don't care sir, just a strong one".  The man flicked a pack on the counter. Johnny snatched the pack and rushed to this front register to pay. Glad to be on his way, Johnny quick!y walked the half dozen blocks to his date's home, excited about the evening's prospects.
Johnny rang the doorbell.  His soon-to-be date's mother answered the door and said, "You must be Johnny! Suzy has been talking about you all afternoon come in!  We'll be having dinner soon and Suzy will be down in a few minutes, feel free to watch TV" and with what she disappeared into the kitchen.
Johnny now was starting to feel a little nervous, wondering when Suzy would appear. Several minutes pass and finally the girl of his dreams is standing in front of him. "Hi Johnny! Sorry I made you wait so long, I had trouble figuring out what to wear"  As if on cue, Suzy's mom said, "I know you guys have a movie to catch so let's go to the dining room so you can eat and get out of here.
Suzy's father and mother entered the dining room.  The father giving Johnny a stern looking review. Johnny was now obviously nervous. His date squeezed his hand and whispered, "don't let him bother you, he must have had a bad day".
As they seated, the mother said, "Johnny, we're a deeply religious family and we always give thanks for our meals by saying grace". Johnny said, " Can I say the grace?"  Suzy looked surprised, then a bit proud as Johnny began to pray.
Johnny started praying in a very low and indiscernible pattern. Mumbling and unintelligible, nearly under his breath. Mother looked at father thru one open eye, then at her daughter as Johnny continued to go on and on and on, when finally, Suzy leaned over and whispered to Johnny, "I didn't know you were religious?" .....Johnny whispered in return, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ql4k5/the_big_date/
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After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ql2vv/after_a_two_year_long_study_the_national_science/
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A very attractive, well dressed, woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.

She looks around and finds the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a salesperson doesn’t pop up right now.
As she turns back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. “Good day Miss, how may we help you today?”
Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, how much does this rug costs?”
He answers, “Lady, if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna shit your pants when you hear what the price is!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qktwo/a_very_attractive_well_dressed_woman_walks_into_a/
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What's the difference between a good joke and me not giving a shit?

Fuck you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qkqn0/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and_me/
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Want to hear a word I made up?

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qkqaj/want_to_hear_a_word_i_made_up/
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A man got lost on a camping trip

. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.
“Charlie Smith,” someone shouted, “is that you?”
“Yes, it is,” came the reply. “Who are you?”
“We're from the Red Cross.”
“I gave at the office!” Charlie shouted back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qkmhj/a_man_got_lost_on_a_camping_trip/
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Why was Harry Potter surprised when Ferrari won the F1 race?

Because he expecto'd Petronas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qki3z/why_was_harry_potter_surprised_when_ferrari_won/
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Why can't Trump supporters ever get into higher levels of mathematics?

Cause they can't grasp the concept of integration.
(all credits to my friend if he reads it here but didn't post it himself!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qkhkj/why_cant_trump_supporters_ever_get_into_higher/
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so little Johnny goes to a girls school...

stands in the middle of the ground during morning assembly, stands facing the girls, turns around, drops his pants, drops his underwear, and bends over.
While all the girls are in shock at this perverse display, security personnel come over and he is taken to the principal.
Principal: "Before I report this to the police, I am curious to know as to what the fucking hell was in your mind? Why did you do that?"
Little Johnny: "I heard that these days girls like ass-holes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qkfik/so_little_johnny_goes_to_a_girls_school/
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While conducting drills up in a mountain, a soldier gets bit on his penis by a rattlesnake...

The platoon was split into pairs for these drills, and while climbing the mountain, one of them yells out to his partner: "OUCH!! A snake just bit me on my dick! Quick, run down for help!!"
So the other soldier runs his ass down the hill and finds his Lieutenant and explains the situation. The Lieutenant tells the soldier "Okay listen, we fucked up and didn't bring any medical supplies, so you're gonna have to run back up there, locate the wound, and suck as much of the venom out - that's the only way you can save that soldier up there, so GO - NOW!!"
The soldier who got bit is on the floor writhing in pain and he sees his partner walking up casually, taking his sweet time. He says "About time you got here! What did the Lieutenant say?"
The other soldier replies "Sorry bro, he said you're gonna fucking die!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qkee7/while_conducting_drills_up_in_a_mountain_a/
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I failed the drivers test even though I stopped for the sign

I gave it plenty of time to cross, it's not my fault I hit it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qkagu/i_failed_the_drivers_test_even_though_i_stopped/
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Why do mountains make people laugh?

Because they're hill-areas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qk92t/why_do_mountains_make_people_laugh/
%
What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits?

Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qk7py/what_if_animals_were_injured_in_the_making_of_a/
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What do you call four Mexicans in quick sand?

Cuatro sinko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qk7oc/what_do_you_call_four_mexicans_in_quick_sand/
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Can't believe that it's been over a hundred years since Einstein proposed his theory of relativity.

Feels like it was only yesterday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qk6um/cant_believe_that_its_been_over_a_hundred_years/
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A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy walk into a bar

Bartender looks up and says "get the fuck out of here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qk6h5/a_mexican_a_jew_and_a_colored_guy_walk_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

The gun only has one trigger!
-Clorox Bleach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qk5v1/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
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Elephants and a Guy

Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qk5nb/elephants_and_a_guy/
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An elderly couple are at the cinema...

About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qk53p/an_elderly_couple_are_at_the_cinema/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make...

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjywy/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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What's the difference between illegal and unlawful?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjxi5/whats_the_difference_between_illegal_and_unlawful/
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What did the duck do after he lost his wife, his job, and his house?

He became a quack head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjuud/what_did_the_duck_do_after_he_lost_his_wife_his/
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Why do moths fly with their legs spread?

Have you ever seen the size of mothballs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjtr2/why_do_moths_fly_with_their_legs_spread/
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what travels around the world but stays in one corner?

postage stamp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjsz2/what_travels_around_the_world_but_stays_in_one/
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What do horses hope for on election day?

A stable economy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjsgb/what_do_horses_hope_for_on_election_day/
%
NSFW Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

He got caught fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjrxb/nsfw_why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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They polled Britons on their favorite Jane Austen novel

52% prefer Pride & Prejudice to Sense & Sensibility

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjqdn/they_polled_britons_on_their_favorite_jane_austen/
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The cannibal was late to dinner

He was given the cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjnj4/the_cannibal_was_late_to_dinner/
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Boy pokes girl with a pencil

A boy sits behind a girl he likes in Catholic school and he shows it by poking her in the back with a pencil. One day during class the teacher asks:
"Who was the one that created the universe?"
The boy pokes the girl with his pencil and she jumps up and says:
"Oh God!"
Afterward the teacher asks:
"Okay, who's the one that died for our sins?"
The boy pokes the girl with his pencil a second time and she jumps up and says:
"Jesus Christ!"
The teacher then asks:
"What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd kid?"
The boy once again pokes the girl with his pencil so she turns around and says to him:
"If you stick that thing into me one more time I'm gonna break it in half!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjn5m/boy_pokes_girl_with_a_pencil/
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Three blonds were arguing over tracks they saw on the ground...

First blond: "these are clearly deer tracks!"
Second blond: "nu-uh bitch these are moose tracks!"
Third blond: "well actually...-"
*And that's when the train hit them!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjmv4/three_blonds_were_arguing_over_tracks_they_saw_on/
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Why did the comedian mermaid die ?

Because it had a dry sense of humor .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjmk7/why_did_the_comedian_mermaid_die/
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A guy ate part of his own arm while tripping on acid.

After he found out what he'd done, he shit himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjmfx/a_guy_ate_part_of_his_own_arm_while_tripping_on/
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I like my coffee just how I like my slaves

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjm7c/i_like_my_coffee_just_how_i_like_my_slaves/
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How does the universe throw a party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjls2/how_does_the_universe_throw_a_party/
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Two nuns are remodeling a new complex for the blind.

They are painting and get really hot and decide to take off their habits.  A little bit later due to the heat they decide to just get completely naked and paint. Later that afternoon there is a knock on the door, in a panic the nuns ask "who is it?" Man replies "blind guy".  They breath a sigh of relief and let him in.  He walks in and says " hey nice tits where do you want the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjlo4/two_nuns_are_remodeling_a_new_complex_for_the/
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I gave up on photography.

Couldn't focus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjirv/i_gave_up_on_photography/
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Three blondes die and go to Heaven.

Stop laughing, that's not the whole joke.
They're standing outside the Pearly Gates when St. Peter comes out and says, "Welcome to Heaven. We've been having some problems with break-ins lately, so I just need you to answer one simple question, and you can get in to Heaven. What is Easter?"
The first blonde says, "Uh, it's a holiday where we spend time with our families, and we eat turkey, and we celebrate when the pilgrims came over!"
Of course, she's wrong, so boom! She's in Purgatory.
The second blonde says, "Well, it's one of the most important holidays in the faith, and we celebrate when Jesus came, and Santa Claus comes and gives us presents!"
And of course, she's also wrong, so boom! She's in Purgatory.
The third blonde says, "Easter is an important holiday in the Christian faith. You see, after Jesus was crucified, he was laid in his tomb and a stone was placed across the entrance, but three days later Mary Magdalene came to anoint his body for burial, and lo, the stone had been rolled away and the tomb was empty, and an angel told her-"
She goes on like this for several minutes, quoting chapter and verse, analyzing the pagan influences on the modern holiday, everything you could possibly want to know about Easter. St. Peter is astounded, as she is clearly very knowledgeable despite being blonde, and while she's giving this lecture, he takes out the golden key from his angel toga, and he puts the key in the lock, he turns the key–
"Wait!" says the blonde. "I'm not finished yet! Every year the stone of his tomb is rolled away, and Jesus comes out. And if he sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of winter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qji94/three_blondes_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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A priest was called away for an emergency.

Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery three times."
The priest tells her, "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go sin no more."
A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery three times."
The priest replies, "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A woman enters the confessional and says, "Father forgive me. I have sinned. I committed adultery."
The rabbi asks, "Well how many times?"
The woman says, "Just once."
The rabbi replies, "Well go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjeej/a_priest_was_called_away_for_an_emergency/
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Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer?

General Mills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjcne/who_is_capn_crunchs_superior_officer/
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A wife is worried about her body...

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qjcee/a_wife_is_worried_about_her_body/
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I have the eyes of a hawk, the ears of a fox…

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qj8s2/i_have_the_eyes_of_a_hawk_the_ears_of_a_fox/
%
I play golf like I have sex

I mostly hit 3's and 4's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qj1ns/i_play_golf_like_i_have_sex/
%
Why do scuba divers fall backwards

Because if they fall forward they fall in the boat dumbass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qiybe/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards/
%
Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit. We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens.

Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly' isn't having the effect we thought it would.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qixgn/help_us_choose_a_new_name_for_our_nonprofit_were/
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In Colorado you're American

In Juarez you're a Mexican.
In the bathroom European.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qivxx/in_colorado_youre_american/
%
How much lube does the Hamburglar need to fuck his kinky girlfriend?

About a quart to pound her with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qivdc/how_much_lube_does_the_hamburglar_need_to_fuck/
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My ex-wife still misses me...

But her aim is getting better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qiuo0/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meat Patty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qithc/how_did_the_butcher_introduce_his_wife/
%
How many tickles...

How many tickles before a squid starts to laugh?
Ten tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qisn7/how_many_tickles/
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A Texan walks into an pub in Dublin...

And lays ten €100 notes on the bar.
"I hear you Micks think you're pretty good drinkers. I'll wager €1000 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 1 hour. Any takers?" said the Texan.
The bar goes silent. The men turn away from the Texan and hide their faces. One man even leaves in disgust.
"Hmph, figures!" said the Texan. He orders a beer and drinks at the bar.
Ten minutes later, the man who left the pub in disgust comes back into the pub and approaches the Texan.
"Excuse me, sir," said the Irishmen, "Is your wager still on the table?"
"Sure is. Line 'em up barkeep!" said the Texan.
The bartender pulls ten pints and lays them in a row. The Texan starts a stopwatch and the Irishman starts drinking. One after the other, the pints disappear until ten empty glasses line the bar with 25 minutes to spare.
The pub erupts in celebration and the Texan begrudgingly hands the Irishmen the money.
"One question," said the Texan. "Where did you go for ten minutes 'fore you come back?"
"Well, I didn't have €1000 if I lost," said the Irishmen, "so I went to the pub down the street to make sure I could do it first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qipok/a_texan_walks_into_an_pub_in_dublin/
%
Did you hear about the Pizza Chef with no drivers license?

He could dish it out but he couldn't take it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qilc1/did_you_hear_about_the_pizza_chef_with_no_drivers/
%
The teacher asks the class to ...

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qijvn/the_teacher_asks_the_class_to/
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A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qii4h/a_drunk_staggers_out_of_a_bar_and_runs_right_into/
%
A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qifzr/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do you get a little old lady to say the f* word?

Get another old lady to say "BINGO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qifns/how_do_you_get_a_little_old_lady_to_say_the_f_word/
%
What is a suicide bomber's biggest fear?

Dying alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qifh3/what_is_a_suicide_bombers_biggest_fear/
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What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qia8f/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cow_and_an/
%
How many bees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qia3g/how_many_bees_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
How far can you run into the woods?

Halfway, any further and you're running out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qi9o6/how_far_can_you_run_into_the_woods/
%
An old lady goes to the bank

with a briefcase full of cash. Not wanting to make their client deal with large amounts of money in public, the manager calls her into his office to deal with her personally.
"How much are you depositing today Mrs Green?"
"£200,000," she replies, opening the briefcase with a proud smile.
"Wow," he replies, shocked. "I can certainly arrange that for you, but may I ask, why is a lady as vulnerable as yourself carrying around so much cash?"
The lady laughs. "Oh I like to make silly bets," she explains.
"Such as," he presses.
So the old lady proposes a bet to the bank manager by way of example.
"If I return here tomorrow, I bet you £50,000 you will have sprouted a third testicle."
Not wanting to take £50,000 off an old lady, the banker tries to refuse, but the old lady insists, showing him that £50,000 means nothing to her.
"But of course," she says after he grugingly accepts, "I'll need to bring my lawyer to act as witness."
So the following day she returns with her witness and the three proceed to the managers office. He of course strips and reveals 2 testicles, not three.
The old lady takes them in her hand. "Oh dear, it appears it's only the two," she says, sighing. "I suppose the £50,000 is yours."
At this point, the lawyer starts banging his head on the table.
"What's up with him?"  the manager asks.
"Oh him? I bet him £200,000 that this morning at precisely 10am I could fondle my bank managers balls while he watches in the corner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qi8bu/an_old_lady_goes_to_the_bank/
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Fun Fact

If your parents never had children, chances are that neither will you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qi4ap/fun_fact/
%
What kind of genie only grants wishes to men?

A misogenie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qi37n/what_kind_of_genie_only_grants_wishes_to_men/
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Please, it's for the children

Can you spare just $2.00?
Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg and 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 long miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.
If you send us just $2.00, we will send you the video...it's fucking hilarious!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qi2e3/please_its_for_the_children/
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Trust is everything

Some teachers from an engineering school were invited to a trip.
After they were all comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their students.
They got up and ran desperately to the outside of the plane, almost panicking.
Only one teacher remained calm and seated at his spot. When the other teachers asked why he was so calm he said: "I know the capacity of my students, if they built it, I'm sure this bloody thing won't even start"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qi1wy/trust_is_everything/
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I know pretty well how batteries must feel

I'm rarely ever included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qi0cb/i_know_pretty_well_how_batteries_must_feel/
%
If you are ever cold.

If you are ever cold, go to a corner. It's usually 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qhu48/if_you_are_ever_cold/
%
Everyone's excited for the new Minecraft movie.

It's sure to be a real blockbuster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qhqg1/everyones_excited_for_the_new_minecraft_movie/
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What do you call a masochist looking for a hookup?

Cruisin' for a bruisin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qhn29/what_do_you_call_a_masochist_looking_for_a_hookup/
%
Two programmers are in a TV show...

The host describes the rules:
"One of you will have to guess a person by asking yes/no questions to the other person, which will have a name of this person assigned by us."
When the game starts, the first question is asked: "What is the name of this person?"
The second programmer thinks for a while and then aswers
"no, yes, no, yes, no, no, yes, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, yes..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qhkoo/two_programmers_are_in_a_tv_show/
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What's the different between England and a tea bag?

A tea bag last longer in the cup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qhjpt/whats_the_different_between_england_and_a_tea_bag/
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Honesty is the best policy

But by process of elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. Keep that in mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qhhg1/honesty_is_the_best_policy/
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What's the difference between tired and exhausted?

When you run in front of a car, you get tired
When you run behind a car, you get exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qhhe8/whats_the_difference_between_tired_and_exhausted/
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The two at the gate...

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour  & decided to go to a calm place to share the loot equally.
One of them suggested a nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag. But they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For U, One For Me, One For U".....
He immediately sobered  up & ran as fast as he could to a Church nearby, for the priest.......................
"Father, pls come with me . Come & witness God & satan sharing corpses at the cemetery"......
They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One For Me, One For U, One For Me, One For U'............Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said:
"What About The Two At The Gate?"...........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qhf9j/the_two_at_the_gate/
%
What is Hodor's favorite cereal?

Raisin Bran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qhf85/what_is_hodors_favorite_cereal/
%
Why was the archeologist depressed?

because his career was in ruins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qhf7v/why_was_the_archeologist_depressed/
%
Was just reading a new book with a great female hero

And I can say I'm addicted to this heroine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qhdpv/was_just_reading_a_new_book_with_a_great_female/
%
What paper do you read?

The Wall Street Journal - Read by people who run the country.
The Washington Post - Read by people who THINK they run the country.
The New York Times - Read by people who think they SHOULD be running the country.
The Boston Globe - Read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
The NY Daily News - Read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they can get a seat on the subway.
The San Francisco Chronicle - Read by people who aren't sure who is running the country, but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for.
The Miami Herald - Read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
The National Enquirer - Read by people trapped in line at the supermarket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qh7xb/what_paper_do_you_read/
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Why did Jesus die on the cross?

He forgot the safe-word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qh7rk/why_did_jesus_die_on_the_cross/
%
They just arrested my favorite shoe salesman thinking he was a drug lord.

They said all the shoes were laced and everyone was trippin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qh7il/they_just_arrested_my_favorite_shoe_salesman/
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Old Scottish joke I remembered that just became relevant again...

The head greenkeeper of St Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.
'Haw', he shouted, 'Ye shouldnae drink that watter, it's got coo's pish in it!'
The golfer looked up and replied, 'I'm sorry old chap, I'm English and I'm afraid I couldn't understand a word you were saying'
The greenkeeper shouted back, 'I said, use both hands, you'll get more in!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qh7bg/old_scottish_joke_i_remembered_that_just_became/
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What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane

A pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qh3ab/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_flying_an_airplane/
%
A string walks into a bar

and orders a beer. The bartender says "We don't serve strings here."
Causing the string walk out of the bar and tie himself in a knot and fray his end.
The string walks back in and orders another beer. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey aren't you a string?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qh2zs/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

He's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qgwyy/did_you_hear_what_happened_to_the_guy_whose_left/
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How do you stop an alien invasion?

You build a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qguwo/how_do_you_stop_an_alien_invasion/
%
Two explorers are taken prisoner by cannibals.

The cannibals take the explorers to their village where they are immediately thrown into a big pot of water.  A fire is lit beneath them, and immediately the water gets warm.  One of the explorers starts laughing hysterically, to which the other explorer exclaims, "What the hell is so funny? We're about to be eaten!" The first explorer calmly replies, "Yeah, well I just pissed in their soup!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qgnnl/two_explorers_are_taken_prisoner_by_cannibals/
%
A man was walking on a beach when he saw a woman with no arms or legs crying. He asked what was wrong.

She said: "I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged."
He hugged her and kept walking. A few minutes later, he sees her crying again. He asked what was wrong now;
She said: "I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed."
He kissed her and kept walking. A few minutes later, he saw her crying yet again, and again, he asked what was wrong.
She said: "I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been fucked."
He picked her up, threw her in the ocean, and said "Well you're fucked now!" He then saw that the woman almost immediately floated up to surface, and was eventually brought back to shore by the current. In awe, the man asks the woman, "How did you survive?"
She replied saying, "Well, I'm subscribed to /r/jokes and I see this joke reposted every fucking week, so I came prepared and wore a life jacket under my shirt to avoid drowning like a dumb ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qgmgm/a_man_was_walking_on_a_beach_when_he_saw_a_woman/
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Why did the aligator spit out his lunch?

Because it was two years old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qgjw3/why_did_the_aligator_spit_out_his_lunch/
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What starts with 'M', ends with 'arriage' and is a man's favorite thing

A miscarriage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qgibr/what_starts_with_m_ends_with_arriage_and_is_a/
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Why don't Leave voters go to the cinema?

Because they're unable to see the big picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qgi0t/why_dont_leave_voters_go_to_the_cinema/
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A guy finds a genie

A guy, as often happens in this kind of joke, stumbles upon a genie who will grant him three wishes. Now, he's set to get a lot of money from his father, so rather than taking the standard first wish for money he thinks about it a little and decides that there is no way he would possibly regret wishing to be more intelligent than anyone else in the world, because then he'd also be in an informed position to make the other wishes.
So he does that, and is immediately overcome by problems he didn't know existed. Where he once had strong opinions, he is now in total conflict with points from both sides. It doesn't seem like it's possible to solve anything that's wrong with the world. The man can't deal with it, so his next wish is to be stupider than anybody else in the world. That way, everything will seem extremely one-sided and linear, and he will have no unsolvable problems in life from his perspective. He could live in an oblivious bliss.
After the wish, he stands there, staring blankly for a few minutes, until the genie reminds him he has another wish left to make. Surprised, he stands there for some time thinking about what it should be. Eventually, he makes his decision, and speaks slowly and simply;
“I want to run for president, and make America great again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qggsp/a_guy_finds_a_genie/
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A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, who can fulfill his desires, and who can cook.

But most importantly, he must make sure that these women never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qgcbv/a_man_deserves_a_woman_who_he_enjoys_spending/
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I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qg7f2/i_just_got_punched_by_my_friend_for_trying_to/
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A man walks into an autobody shop and asks for a rim job

.
The mechanic gapes at the man for a few seconds and then asks, "What did you say?"
"A rim job!" says the man. "My buddy knows all about cars and he took one look at my wheels and said I desperately needed a rim job."
Realizing that the man was being made sport of, the mechanic felt that it was his solemn duty to keep the game going.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we're strictly front-end work only here," said the mechanic. "For a rim job you'll have to go about a mile down the road to Hank's."
The man thanks the mechanic and leaves, only to return an hour later steaming mad.
"You're a god damned liar!" the man shouted at the mechanic, quivering with rage. Feeling a little guilty, the mechanic decides the joke had gone far enough.
"I guess they laughed at you, huh?" says the mechanic apologetically.
"You're damn right they laughed! Hank told me that you're an *expert* at rim jobs. In fact, just last week you gave his cousin the best rim job of his life!"
"Sir," says the mechanic, "I really have to tell you that a rim job...".
"Oh, no, it's too late for that!" interrupts the man, storming off. As he's leaving, a sweet old lady enters the shop and the man stops to take his revenge.
"Lady, if you're here for a rim job, just tell that guy over there to kiss your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qg5ok/a_man_walks_into_an_autobody_shop_and_asks_for_a/
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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qg030/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i/
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Who is a penguin's favorite relative?

His Aunt Arctica

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qfwky/who_is_a_penguins_favorite_relative/
%
A guy walks into a bar and see a large jar full of cash...

Guy walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of cash. He asks the bartender
"What's all this money for?"
Bartender says
"I got this horse out back. If you can make it laugh, the money is all yours."
The guy goes out back and within a minute the bar is filled with a neighing laughter coming from the horse. Guy walks back into the bar, collects his money and leaves.
Two weeks later, same guy comes back to the same bar and sees the same jar full of money. He asks the bartender
"What's all this money for?"
Bartender says
"Ever since you made that horse laugh, that's all he's been doing. Make him stop and the money's all yours."
The guy goes out back and within a minute the bar becomes silent. Guy walks back into the bar, collects his money and is about to leave when the bartender asks him
"Hey wait, how did you get him to laugh in the first place?"
Guy responds
"Oh that's easy, I told him I have a bigger dick than him."
Bartender asks again
"Then how did you get him to stop?"
Guy goes
"I showed it to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qfv2t/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_see_a_large_jar_full/
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How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qfrdr/how_do_you_measure_the_mass_of_god/
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A man was having stomach pains

A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor looked him over and declared, "Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring... a BANANA."
The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over, whereupon the doctor... introduces the banana into the man's system. The man is shocked.
The doctor says, "Excellent job. Now please come back in three days with another banana." The man trusts his doctor, so in three days he returns with another banana.
The doctor again asks the man to remove his pants and again he... introduces the banana... into the man's system. The man is extremely confused, but his stomach pains aren't as bad anymore so he will continue to follow his doctor's orders.
The doctor says, "Great job. Now please come back in three days with... a HAMMER."
The man returns with a hammer three days later. He is extremely confused, but upon seeing the doctor he receives his instructions. "Please take off your pants and lie on your side on the examination table," says the doctor. The man lays there for a few minutes with his rear end bare. The doctor breathlessly grips the hammer and waits.
The tapeworm pops out of the man's butthole, looks at the doctor and says "Hey where the fuck is my banana?"
BAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qfptk/a_man_was_having_stomach_pains/
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There are plenty of fish in the sea...

...but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qfo1r/there_are_plenty_of_fish_in_the_sea/
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Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They each got six months!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qfn19/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_that_stole_a/
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The Misunderstanding

Hi John,
This is Alan next door.  I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you.  I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.  The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.  In fact, probably more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me.  I promise that it won't happen again.  Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
The Actions:
John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead.  He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.  He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.
The Second Message:
Hi John,
This is Alan next door again.  Sorry about the slight typo on my last text.  I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to "Wife”.  Technology eh??  Hope you got a chuckle from that.
Regards, Alan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qfky1/the_misunderstanding/
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What's worse than lobsters on your piano?

Crabs on your organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qfjn2/whats_worse_than_lobsters_on_your_piano/
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A husband walks into his house with a duck under his arm.

*He walks inside and announces, honey this is the pig I've been fucking for the past three months.
*The wife Says "Thats a Duck"
*The Husband Says "I was talking to the Duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qfivf/a_husband_walks_into_his_house_with_a_duck_under/
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What does a Jewish pedophile say?

"You wanna buy some candy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qfhqq/what_does_a_jewish_pedophile_say/
%
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where?', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qfalf/a_young_woman_had_been_taking_golf_lessons/
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A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D...

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
The guy replies: "If I say 'why the rabbit?' I will get the job, am I right?"
The inspector, baffled, asks: "How did you know that?!"
The guy replies: "Because I read this shit every fucking day in /r/jokes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qf9j2/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_with_the_lapd/
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About wearing the hijab...(x-post from /r/Islam)

I grew up in a fairly religious household and my parents are both practicing, despite that the hijab was never really something we talked about. My mom keeps a dupatta and wears hijab and burqa when she goes outside but she never taught me to wear it or ever enforced it on me. Recently, I started wearing a hijab and both of my parents have become really negative. My dad doesn't support me at all and my mom has taken to giving me dirty looks.
I've tried to tell them that it's part of my religion and that I want to wear it but every time I try they stop the discussion before it even starts by telling me "You're a boy! You aren't suppossed to wear a hijab!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qf8rq/about_wearing_the_hijabxpost_from_rislam/
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I can't help but think that The Last Supper must have been a bit tense...

...with Jesus relating the bread to his broken skin and the wine to his own blood.
I bet no one touched the meatballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qf7uq/i_cant_help_but_think_that_the_last_supper_must/
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A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

A  single guy decided life would be more fun if  he had a pet.
So  he went to the pet store and told the  owner that he wanted to buy an unusual  pet.
After  some discussion, he finally bought a talking  centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in  a little white box to use for his  house.
He  took the box back home, found a good spot for  the box, and decided he would start off by  taking his new pet to church with  him.
So  he asked the centipede in  the box, "Would  you like to go to church with me today? We  will have a good time."
But  there was no answer from  his new pet.
This  bothered him a bit, but he waited a few  minutes and then asked  again, "How  about going to church with  me and receive  blessings?"
But  again, there was no answer from his new  friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes  more, thinking about the  situation.
The  guy decided to invite the centipede one  last time.
This  time he put his face up against the  centipede's house and  shouted, "Hey,  in there! Would you like to  go  to church  with me  and  learn about God?".....
This  time,  a  little voice came  out of the  box, "I  heard you the first time! I'm  putting my shoes  on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qf73d/a_single_guy_decided_life_would_be_more_fun_if_he/
%
A terribly ugly woman enters a store.

On each hand, she has a child. The clerk asks the woman: "Are those twins?" "No," the woman says, "They´re three years apart. Why? Do you think they look alike?" The clerk says: "No, I just can´t believe you got laid twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qf5ng/a_terribly_ugly_woman_enters_a_store/
%
How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qf4h1/how_do_you_kill_a_circus/
%
A Brit, a Spaniard and a Dutch walk into a bar..

.. unfortunately the Icelander couldn't come, he's still in the European Championship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qf4bp/a_brit_a_spaniard_and_a_dutch_walk_into_a_bar/
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My wife is like a new credit card.

0% interest for 12 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qezo5/my_wife_is_like_a_new_credit_card/
%
Don't trust people that are constipated

They're full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qeysm/dont_trust_people_that_are_constipated/
%
A call from the Doctor

A  Man gets a call from his doctor,doctor says i got some bad news and some worse news
Man asks what's the bad news,
Doctor says you have only 24 hours left to live,
man says what can be worse than that,
doctor says i have been trying to call you since yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qew6a/a_call_from_the_doctor/
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I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is this 'Foreclosure’ guy? And what is he running for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qew47/i_hate_it_when_candidates_put_signs_on_your_lawn/
%
What do you call a cheap wig?

A small price toupée.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qev37/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_wig/
%
A Michael is hosting an 'emotion' themed party

It turns 8 o'clock and the guests start to arrive one by one. First comes John who is wearing all red.
'Hey John' said Michael, 'what emotion are you?'
'Angry' john growled and Michael let him in.
Next comes Mary and she is wearing all blue.
'Hi Mary' said Michael, 'what emotion are you?'
'I'm sad' said Mary in a melancholic tone and with that she was let in.
Then, Peter turns up to the door arse naked with his penis in a bowl of custard.
'What the hell are you doing Pete?' Michael screamed, to which Peter responded 'come on Mike, Im fuckin disgusted'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qeug4/a_michael_is_hosting_an_emotion_themed_party/
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This joke is like cancer.

Some of you will get it. Some of you won't.
Either way, you won't be laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qet1e/this_joke_is_like_cancer/
%
Why did the condom fly across the room?

Because it got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qesty/why_did_the_condom_fly_across_the_room/
%
How much free space does Europe have ?

1 GB.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qepag/how_much_free_space_does_europe_have/
%
I have a Polish friend who is roadie for a rock band

I have a Czech one too.
Czech one too. Czech one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qeoq7/i_have_a_polish_friend_who_is_roadie_for_a_rock/
%
How to deal with a blonde on a plane

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qeo9t/how_to_deal_with_a_blonde_on_a_plane/
%
The bible says "Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you"

But I think that's sexual harassment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qentu/the_bible_says_do_unto_others_as_you_would_want/
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An egoist, a feminist and a Socialist walk into a bar...

An egotist, a feminist, and a Socialist walk into a bar.
The bartender overheard their conversation about politics and sarcastically said, "You guys would be great presidential candidates."  They took him seriously...
...apparently America did too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qellv/an_egoist_a_feminist_and_a_socialist_walk_into_a/
%
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qedf3/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_with_the_lapd/
%
John woke up after the annual office party...

...with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's a jerk," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back to work on Monday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qe7qc/john_woke_up_after_the_annual_office_party/
%
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were apes, then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me! Mommy said people were monkeys first!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qe2u7/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
%
A Scotsman was shipwrecked...

...and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?" "Ock, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?" "Och, lassie, don't you tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qe1jf/a_scotsman_was_shipwrecked/
%
Three shelves of stuffed animals

A man and a woman meet at a singles' bar, and they quickly hit it off and decide to go back to her place. They immediately head for the bedroom.
Once in the bedroom, the man notices something peculiar: on the wall are three shelves full of stuffed animals: huge ones on the top shelf, regular-size ones on the middle shelf, and small ones on the bottom shelf. He doesn't have time to pay attention to them, of course.
After they have sex, the man says to the woman, "So, how was it?"
The woman thinks for a while and responds, "Eh, take one from the bottom shelf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qe10r/three_shelves_of_stuffed_animals/
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There are 10 types of people...

There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don't .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdyv9/there_are_10_types_of_people/
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I have electrified a clickbait journalist's toilet.

Number 2 will shock them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdyaw/i_have_electrified_a_clickbait_journalists_toilet/
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What do japanese men do when they have erections?

Vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdtok/what_do_japanese_men_do_when_they_have_erections/
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I heard that Being the one to circumcise elephants doesn't pay too well

But the tips are huge!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qds9c/i_heard_that_being_the_one_to_circumcise/
%
What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey?

Most times you get an onion with a tail. But every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdryw/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_onion_and_a/
%
Why do the lannisters have such big beds?

They pushed two twins together to make a king!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdrby/why_do_the_lannisters_have_such_big_beds/
%
A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."
&nbsp;
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
&nbsp;
"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdqvx/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus_under_his/
%
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland.

She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdnqi/i_can_relate_to_alice_in_wonderland/
%
Salesman's car breaks down in the middle of the night during a downpour on a desolate road.

He sees a farm not too far from him and walks to the house and rings the bell. "Sir I'm sorry to intrude but my car has broken down and I need a place to huddle up for the night." The farmer says " no problem you can sleep in my gay sons room". The salesman turns around headed back to his car. The farmer asks " where are you going?" The salesman replies "Sorry I'm in the wrong joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdkzl/salesmans_car_breaks_down_in_the_middle_of_the/
%
So I gave a blind guy a basketball.

I think he's still trying to read it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdkke/so_i_gave_a_blind_guy_a_basketball/
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A penguin is out for a drive

on a beautiful afternoon when he decides to grab an ice cream cone. After enjoying his delicious vanilla cone he decides to be on his way.  Just a couple of miles down the road, his car dies abruptly.  But what luck!! Just down a slight incline there is an auto shop, so the penguin throws his car in neutral and rolls all the way there.  After a time the mechanic comes back to the penguin with his estimate.
Mechanic-"Looks like you blew a seal"
Penguin (wiping mouth) "Oh sorry, that's just ice cream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdjwn/a_penguin_is_out_for_a_drive/
%
A couple walk Into the clubhouse after a round of golf.

The pro asks "how was you round?" The husband says "it was good but my wife got stung by a bee". "Where did she get stung?" "Between the first and second hole". The pro says "well her stance was too wide."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdii3/a_couple_walk_into_the_clubhouse_after_a_round_of/
%
How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom?

A Lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdhz9/how_many_men_escaped_the_destruction_of_sodom/
%
A traveler comes across a Native American with is ear against the ground in the middle of the prarie

The Traveler: Hey what are you doing there guy?
With his ear pressed to the ground the native american says "Two white men... 3 horses and a covered wagon... traveling north-west"
The Traveler: Wow, thats impressive! You can tell all that by listening to the ground?
Still lying on the ground the native american looks up at the traveler
"NO. thats just a description of the people who ran me over." says the native american.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdh0f/a_traveler_comes_across_a_native_american_with_is/
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What does a male prostitute say when his phone keeps ringing after he's seen 3 clients in a row?

"FOUR FUCKS ACHE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qddp3/what_does_a_male_prostitute_say_when_his_phone/
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What's the difference between a capitalist society and a communist society?

In a capitalist society, the rich man lives in a marble palace, the poor gathered around him. He shouts to them "Haha, suckers!"
In a communist society it's the exact same thing, except the rich man is shouting "We're suffering together!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdc46/whats_the_difference_between_a_capitalist_society/
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A man is wakes up in a strange place...

And the only landmark is a fence. Seeing as he has no idea where he is, he follows the fence hopin there is a phone or something to help him get out of there. As he's following the fence, he starts noticing how beautifully made it is. Exceptional woodworking, perfectly complimentary staining, etc. He continues to follow the fence until he reaches a bar. As he's walking in he notices how beautiful the sign is. Excellent paint job, perfect framing, etc. He walks in and sits down.
"What can I getcha?" asked the bartender.
"Actually, do you have a phone?" replied the man.
As the bartender left to go fetch a phone the man noticed the quality of the bar. Great heft, classic look, etc.
The bartender comes back with the phone and the man compliments the bartender on his bar.
"Thanks, I made it myself."
"Really?" the man paused, "it's very beautiful."
"Well thanks, but do they call me John the barmaker? Nooooo! I made the sign out front, too."
"Both of them? You're very talented," remarked the man.
"Maybe, but do they call me John the signpainter? Nooooo!"
"You wouldn't happen to have made the fence leading here? It was the nicest fence I think I've ever seen!" the man complimented.
"Actually, I did. It's my masterpiece. But do they call me John the fencebuilder? Nooooo!"
The man continued dialing the phone as the barkeep under his breath says, "but you fuck one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdbik/a_man_is_wakes_up_in_a_strange_place/
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The son of a terrorist....

A teenage son of a terrorist was busted by his dad for skipping school.
"Farhad, why did you not attend school today?"
"Well," the boy said, "all my friends skipped school--"
"Ach! Farhad, must you always do what your friends do? I suppose if your friends wanted to live long, prosperous lives of peace and tranquility, you'd do that too, right?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qd85y/the_son_of_a_terrorist/
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A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip

They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qd2ij/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_statistician_go_on/
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Exercise can add years to your life.

This enables you, at 95 years, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7,000 a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qd1ab/exercise_can_add_years_to_your_life/
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A Doctor

A doctor had a regular habit of stopping off at his favourite bar for a hazelnut daiquiri. The bartender knew him and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 PM. One afternoon, the bartender was dismayed to find that he had no hazelnuts in the place but he had other nuts. He chose hickory and made a drink with it. The doctor came in at his regular time, took a sip, and exclaimed: "This isn't hazelnut daiquiri!" To which the bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry. It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qcuja/a_doctor/
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You can't RUN through a campground.

But, you can RAN through a campground, because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qct55/you_cant_run_through_a_campground/
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In the Jungle

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle and came upon two men. One was sitting in a tree, reading a book; and the other was on the ground pounding away at his laptop. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the King of the Jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qcrb2/in_the_jungle/
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Why did the bike fall over

Because it was two tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qcqdd/why_did_the_bike_fall_over/
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What's ISIS favourite meal?

Turkey! Its the bomb!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qcocl/whats_isis_favourite_meal/
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(NSFW) Coors Light is like having sex in a canoe.

Fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qclr5/nsfw_coors_light_is_like_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
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Vincent Van Gogh's Relatives

His Obnoxious brother: Please Gogh.
His Dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh.
His prune-loving brother: Gotta Gogh.
His Convenience-Store-Owner cousin: Stop'n'Gogh
His Constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The Ballroom dancer aunt: Tan Gogh
His Nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
His Fruit Loving cousin: Man Gogh
His sister who loves disco: Go Gogh
His bouncy little Nephew: Poe Gogh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qcl9k/vincent_van_goghs_relatives/
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A joke is a lot like sex

Neither is any good if you don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qcjhk/a_joke_is_a_lot_like_sex/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

If we stick together, we can stop this crap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qcje1/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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Why are fire trucks red?

Because if someone pulled your hose you would be red too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qchgv/why_are_fire_trucks_red/
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A guy is standing in the street shouting out "I am God. I am God."

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help,
Walking up to the guy he asks "What is your name?" "I am God." the guy replies getting agitated..
The social worker says "Calm down. Why don't we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.
As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims "Oh God. Not you again.?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qcep6/a_guy_is_standing_in_the_street_shouting_out_i_am/
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The Jewish tie stand

A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried towards ‘the object’ only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban fighter asked, “Do you have water?!!?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban fighter shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! "
“Okay” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom”.
Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qcck2/the_jewish_tie_stand/
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What did the peanut say to his wife before he left?

I'll be back in a jiffy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qcceh/what_did_the_peanut_say_to_his_wife_before_he_left/
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A guy on a train is sitting next to a nun who is doing a crossword puzzle.

The nun is stuck on a clue that doesn't fit with some other answers that she's already written down. She asks the man for help.
"Let's backtrack, and double check that your other answers are right. That usually helps me," he says.
"Good idea," the nun says. "How about this one: A four-letter word, ending in 'U-N-T,' and the clue is 'Something you would call a woman.'"
"Aunt?" The man says.
"Oh, right..." the nun says. "Say, do you have an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qccb3/a_guy_on_a_train_is_sitting_next_to_a_nun_who_is/
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Why are fire engines red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always “Russian" around, so that's why fire trucks are red!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qcb5v/why_are_fire_engines_red/
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
Sure, they said, you’re welcome.
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
I’m a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!” was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll need about tree fiddy"
Thats when the man realized he was playing golf with a 8 story tall crustacean from the deep. and he said "god dammit loch ness monstah i aint givin you no tree fiddy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qc8uy/two_old_friends_were_just_about_to_tee_off_at_the/
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Well Trained Frogs

A woman walks into a sex shop looking for a dildo.  In the back of the shop, she sees an aquarium filled with giant frogs.  She asks the owner of the shop about the frogs.
“These are very special frogs.  I have trained them personally to give the best cunnilingus in the world.”
The lady was skeptical.  The owner continued.
“They have super long tongues and are just relentless down there.  Each frog has been trained for months.  All my frogs have a money back guarantee.  100% satisfaction or your money back!!”
"Money back guarantee, huh?"
The lady figured she had nothing to lose and bought a frog.  She took the frog home.  After a long bath, she laid on her bed, spread her legs and put the frog between her legs.  The frog just stood there staring at her.  She waited about 20 minutes but still nothing.  Pissed off, she took the frog and headed back to the sex shop.
She explained to the owner but he didn’t believe her.  “Try it again,” he said.  “Let me see exactly what you did.”
So she got up on his desk, took off her pants, spread her legs and placed the frog between her legs.  Again, nothing.  “See!”
The store owner grabbed the frog, looked it right in the eye and said, “this is gonna be the last time I show you how to do this!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qc740/well_trained_frogs/
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Voldemort tried to kill my grandpa twice during the war!

That's why his helmet has two lighting bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qc5k6/voldemort_tried_to_kill_my_grandpa_twice_during/
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A Russian Couple

A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qc3fq/a_russian_couple/
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Math and naked women.

A mathematician and an engineer go into a lab for a test. They're led into a room and shown a beautiful naked lady sitting on the table across the way. The conductor tells them that every 5 seconds, they're permitted to walk half the distance closer. The mathematician immediately throws his arms up and leaves. He sees the engineer eagerly awaiting the countdown and asked, "What are you doing? You know we'll never actually touch her!" The engineer smiles... "Maybe, but we'll get close enough for all reasonable applications."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qc218/math_and_naked_women/
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Programming is like sex

One mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qbx58/programming_is_like_sex/
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Life is a lot like a piece of toilet paper.

You're either on a roll, or you're taking shit from some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qbwsr/life_is_a_lot_like_a_piece_of_toilet_paper/
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A brutally ugly woman...

A brutally ugly woman approached me at the bar, squeezed my ass and said, "Give me your number, you sexy hunk." I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Sure do!" I replied, "You'd better get back in it before your farmer notices you're missing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qbvyk/a_brutally_ugly_woman/
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I knew the psychic was a fraud

the second she accepted my check

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qbvjz/i_knew_the_psychic_was_a_fraud/
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NSFW A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are on a deserted island..

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are on a deserted island when they are discovered by a tribe of cannibals. The chief delivers good and bad news to the three men. "The bad news is you men will be killed, we will eat your intestines and we will use your skin for our canoes. The good news is you can choose how you'll be killed." The Frenchman says, give me a sword and declares, "Vive la France" and stabs his heart. The Englishman requests a pistol and says, "I die in the name of my country and queen" and shoots himself in the head. Finally the New Yorker barks, "give me fork" and starts stabbing himself repeatedly while shouting, "I don't care what happens but fuck your damn canoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qbpx4/nsfw_a_frenchman_an_englishman_and_a_new_yorker/
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I got caught fapping while sniffing the underwear of my friends mother.

It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't wearing them at the time.
He went fucking ballistic.
Sure as hell made the rest of her funeral really awkward for the both of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qbppx/i_got_caught_fapping_while_sniffing_the_underwear/
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I think my cat's a communist...

He won't shut up about Mao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qbnz8/i_think_my_cats_a_communist/
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I fired my masseur today.

He just rubbed me the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qbnk6/i_fired_my_masseur_today/
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Slogan

A High School teacher was lecturing her class on why companies advertise and what they do to make people remember them. "That's why companies have slogans," he explained. "For example, who can tell me which company says, 'I'm loving it!'" To which the students reply, "McDonald's!" All the students knew that one. "How about 'My Baloney has a first name.'" To which some of the students said "O-S-C-A-R." He mentioned a few more, and discovered that his class was pretty savvy about slogans. then he asked, "Whose slogan is 'Just do it!'" to which one boy quickly shouted out "My Mom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qblpj/slogan/
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About a week ago, my Girlfriend developed anorexia

Ever since then, I've been seeing less and less of her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qbli9/about_a_week_ago_my_girlfriend_developed_anorexia/
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Hey EU, heard you lost a country...

..., UK bro?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qbie3/hey_eu_heard_you_lost_a_country/
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The other day I was riding the bus, sitting next to a beautiful woman and I said, "Ma'am, can I smell your feet?" [nsfw]

She looked at me, horrified, and replied, "Absolutely not."
"Must be your pussy then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qbhmr/the_other_day_i_was_riding_the_bus_sitting_next/
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A nun takes a poor man golfing for charity.

On the first hole the man completely shanks a shot and says, "Goddamnit I missed."
The nun replies, "You shouldn't take the lords name in vain."
The guy grumbles and they keep playing.  A few holes later the man hits a ball in to a sand-trap and again says, "Goddamnit I missed."
The nun, a bit upset, says again, "You really shouldn't take the lords name in vain."
Again, the man grumbles and they continue playing.
On the final hole the man has an easy putt to make his goal for the course.  He hits his putt far to the left.  Irate, he throws his club and shouts "Goddamnit I missed!"
The nun opens her mouth to repeat her warning to the man, but before she gets a chance a storm cloud comes out of nowhere, it starts raining and suddenly lightning strikes the nun and she drops dead.
Then a booming voice from the heavens says, "Goddamnit I missed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qbgt8/a_nun_takes_a_poor_man_golfing_for_charity/
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What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

"Some asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qbgqu/what_did_the_nurse_say_when_she_found_a_rectal/
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There lived a farmer whose daughter was the most beautiful woman in the county.

When she was of marrying age the farmer rounded up the three most eligible bachelors in the county. "You three are my finalists,” he declared. "The first one who can pass my gauntlet I will give my daughter's hand in marriage. Now, the gauntlet consists of four tests. You must run through my field and then swim across the lake and then you must jump over the barbed wire fence. There you will meet the final test which will remain a secret until that time" the three men began the gauntlet. The first ran through the field but could not swim across the lake. The second ran the field and swam the lake but could not clear the fence. The third man ran the field, swam the lake and cleared the fence. "I am ready for your secret test,” declared the third man. "Alright" said the farmer. " The final test is you must have sex with my cow" the man was disgusted at first but then he thought, "it's only once and no one will know. Then I will have his beautiful daughter" the man then had sex with the cow. Afterward the farmer was not entirely convinced. " Have sex with my cow three more times and I will know your love for my daughter is sincere" said the farmer. At first the man was indignant but then thought of how beautiful the farmer's daughter was and how much he yearned to marry her. Eventually he gave in and had sex with the cow three more times. The farmer was overcome with joy. "You have proven yourself worthy,” exclaimed the farmer. "You have my blessing to marry my daughter." "Fuck your daughter" the man responded, "how much do you want for your cow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qbckp/there_lived_a_farmer_whose_daughter_was_the_most/
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My daughter reached that age where they start asking embarrassing questions about sex

The last one was "is that all you got?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qb8n4/my_daughter_reached_that_age_where_they_start/
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I recently found out my blood type is A+

However, in my tests I only get B or less. Doesn't success run in my blood?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qb4m6/i_recently_found_out_my_blood_type_is_a/
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Even at my age, I can still turn a lot of heads.

It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qb4ka/even_at_my_age_i_can_still_turn_a_lot_of_heads/
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My signature sandwich is called "Hamnesia".

I forget what's in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qb2kf/my_signature_sandwich_is_called_hamnesia/
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An Engineer, Vice-President, and CEO are on the Golf Course...

The engineer hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll go get it."
The Vice-President then hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll have the engineer go get it."
The CEO then hits the ball into the woods and says "Have the engineer go get it, and then fire him.   He should have warned us that might happen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qawvh/an_engineer_vicepresident_and_ceo_are_on_the_golf/
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't. They just beat up the room for being dark and arrest the light for being broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qauqs/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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I saw this sign that mad me shit my pants.

It said 'bathroom closed'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qatcs/i_saw_this_sign_that_mad_me_shit_my_pants/
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What do you call a really handsome potato?

A spud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qapzx/what_do_you_call_a_really_handsome_potato/
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A couple are dining at a German restaurant...

A couple are dining at a German restaurant, and so far it has been awful. The appetizers were cold, the beer was warm, and the main course has been in preparation for over two hours.
They call over their waitress to complain about the appetizers and the beer, and to ask where their entrees are.
She frowns and replies, "The wurst is yet to come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qanrh/a_couple_are_dining_at_a_german_restaurant/
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I think Bran might actually know how to walk and is just faking it.

He's always lying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qanng/i_think_bran_might_actually_know_how_to_walk_and/
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Heard they are making the Tetris movie into a trilogy...

They must think its going to be a real blockbuster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qalao/heard_they_are_making_the_tetris_movie_into_a/
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Bob sees his new neighbor working in his driveway...

Wanting to be friendly, he walks over to the driveway where his new neighbor is repairing his car. "Hey neighbor!" he says affably.
Hearing the voice, a big shaggy dog comes running over and starts sniffing Bob's feet. "Hey," the neighbor grunts.
"I see you've got a dog! I've got a dog too!"
"What kind?" the neighbor asks, not looking up from the engine.
"Oh, ole Shep's a Collie mix. He's one of the smartest dogs I know!"
"That's nice," the neighbor acknowledges. "Fritz here is dumb as a rock, I can't teach him anything."
"Well, it takes time, careful training and hard work. Heck, it took even Shep weeks on end to learn how to play dead." Bob beamed proudly when suddenly his new neighbor shouted,
"Fritz! Get me the 5/8ths wrench!"
Bob watched in amazement as the dog ran over to the toolbox, rummaged through it and came running back with a wrench.
"Dammit, Fritz! You good-for-nothing idiot! Why can't you be more like ole Shep?!" he shouted as he gestured at Bob with the wrench.
Seeing the shocked expression on Bob's face, he apologized.
"Sorry about that. Stupid dog still can't even tell the difference between  5/8ths and 9/16ths."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qahgz/bob_sees_his_new_neighbor_working_in_his_driveway/
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How does a Welshman find sheep in long grass?

Irresistible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qacsk/how_does_a_welshman_find_sheep_in_long_grass/
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What do Ted Cruz and an impotent Japanese man have in common?

Neither can achieve an election

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qa6je/what_do_ted_cruz_and_an_impotent_japanese_man/
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I told my girlfriend that I thought the world was flat

She asked me if I was stupid and I said no babe, you're my whole world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qa5fj/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_i_thought_the_world_was/
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Why was the 4 year old African kid crying?

He was having a mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qa45p/why_was_the_4_year_old_african_kid_crying/
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The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances."
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her. The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."' The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qa28j/the_fbi_had_an_open_position_for_an_assassin/
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I've been watching ISIS movements via UAV for the past week

They seem to beheading in the right direction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qa0rv/ive_been_watching_isis_movements_via_uav_for_the/
%
A group of ventriloquists was murdered yesterday.

Their screams were heard a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qa0np/a_group_of_ventriloquists_was_murdered_yesterday/
%
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.
The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!"
The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex.
Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qa0df/a_man_gets_on_a_bus_and_ends_up_sitting_next_to_a/
%
The interviewer asked me, "What's your worst quality?"

I said, "I tend to speak my mind."
He said, "I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing..."
I said, "I don't give a fuck what you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q9zcz/the_interviewer_asked_me_whats_your_worst_quality/
%
A Welshman and a Scot were walking across a field when they come to a white picket fence.

There were a bunch of sheep on the other side of the fence and one of the sheep had it's head stuck between the pickets. The Welshman jumped the fence and fucked that sheep hard. When he was finished, he looked at the Scot and said "Your turn!"
So the Scot pulled his pants down and stuck his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q9z0t/a_welshman_and_a_scot_were_walking_across_a_field/
%
A man boards an airliner

, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate.
"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot Pipes up again, "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass, I want it right Now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q9ytz/a_man_boards_an_airliner/
%
One sperm said to the other sperm "I'll race you to the egg!"

The other sperm said "OK, but pace yourself, we just passed the throat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q9wow/one_sperm_said_to_the_other_sperm_ill_race_you_to/
%
When my girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q9v4n/when_my_girlfriend_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a/
%
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills

. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q9qrc/a_new_guy_in_town_walks_into_a_bar_and_notices_a/
%
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
Sure, they said, you’re welcome.
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
I’m a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!” was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
“Sure, what do you want?”
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . .
"I think I can save ya a grand here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q9qjz/two_old_friends_were_just_about_to_tee_off_at_the/
%
Why isn't Hitler in Mario Kart?

Because he cant finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q9khw/why_isnt_hitler_in_mario_kart/
%
The script for the upcoming Tetris movie is terrible

Each actor just says four lines and then disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q9ibw/the_script_for_the_upcoming_tetris_movie_is/
%
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Well on Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,  Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. Do you do drugs??
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q9i48/one_day_a_guy_dies_and_finds_himself_in_hell/
%
Why are gay men so well dressed?

Well they didn't spend all that time in the closet for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q9dnk/why_are_gay_men_so_well_dressed/
%
i'd tell a joke about a vampire but...

it'll suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q9cyv/id_tell_a_joke_about_a_vampire_but/
%
(SPOILERS) I guess you could say Tommen...

Made a King's landing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q99l5/spoilers_i_guess_you_could_say_tommen/
%
Fill out job applications in crayon...

...and if you don’t get hired, just blame it on your color.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q97gi/fill_out_job_applications_in_crayon/
%
Piano Man

A pianist responds to an ad for a Piano Player wanted at a swanky bar.  The manager interviewing him asks  the pianist to play something.
The pianist plays and sings, and it's beautiful.  The manager is really impressed.  The pianist admits that he wrote and composed it himself.  The manager asks what the song is called and the pianist replies, "Fuck you and your mother, you shit eating whore".
Clearly upset by the title of the song, the manager attempts to regain his composure and asks the pianist, "um, do you know any other songs?"
The pianist starts right in on the most beautiful piece the manager had ever heard, and by the time the pianist finished, the manager had tears in his eyes.
Afraid to ask, the manager asked what that one was called.  The pianist said it was one of the first songs he ever wrote, and it was called "Suck my hairy white ass, you commie fuck!"
Clearly impressed with the skill of the pianist but fearful for the effect the song titles might have on his business the manager makes a deal with the player.
"I will hire you, and pay you with $100 bar tab per night and 5% of the door, but you're not allowed to tell anyone what your songs are called."
The pianist agrees, just happy to have a gig.
So he's playing the first night, really enjoying himself, drinking for free and all of the patrons are enjoying the music as well.  At some point, very drunk, the pianist needs to go relieve himself so takes a break from playing.
When he returns from the bathroom, a beautiful woman approaches him and quietly asks him, "Do you know your dick is out and everyone can see it?"
The piano player's eyes get wide, and he excitedly replies, "Know it!?  I fucking *wrote it*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q9763/piano_man/
%
So the other day I called my girlfriend fa-

All family and friends are welcome to the funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q95vw/so_the_other_day_i_called_my_girlfriend_fa/
%
I told my wife she was prettier when she didn't wear glasses

She said "So are you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q92ns/i_told_my_wife_she_was_prettier_when_she_didnt/
%
Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum.

Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...
A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '
WHACK...she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q91gg/just_heard_dad_tell_this_joke_to_mum/
%
On John's first night in jail,

His cell mate approaches him and says, "let's play house, would you like to be the husband or the wife?"
John, thinks for a second and replies, "I'll be the husband."
The cell mate then says,"okay, now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q8zii/on_johns_first_night_in_jail/
%
Yesterday I was held hostage by a mime.

He performed unspeakable acts on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q8z97/yesterday_i_was_held_hostage_by_a_mime/
%
An englishman a scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar

The welshman isn't there because he's still at the euros

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q8yx4/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk/
%
Why did the vulture have to check some luggage at the gate?

It was only allowed one piece of carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q8yp0/why_did_the_vulture_have_to_check_some_luggage_at/
%
A man is in a car wreck and is rushed to the ER.

When he wakes up he tells the doctor: "I can't feel my legs!!!"
The doctor replies: "I know, I cut your arms off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q8ykp/a_man_is_in_a_car_wreck_and_is_rushed_to_the_er/
%
Sometimes when I give money to homeless people, bystanders shout "Why bother? They're only going to buy drugs or alcohol with it!"...

oh, like I wasn't?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q8pxc/sometimes_when_i_give_money_to_homeless_people/
%
Why are police officers bad at Billiards?

They hit eight ball first because it was black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q8oeg/why_are_police_officers_bad_at_billiards/
%
What's the difference between 'your mum' and 'knock knock' jokes?

A door doesn't let you come inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q8odi/whats_the_difference_between_your_mum_and_knock/
%
How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows?

Dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q8mmn/how_often_does_an_oriental_farmer_milk_his_cows/
%
Women are like parking spots

they are either taken or handicapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q8kln/women_are_like_parking_spots/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A porcupine has it's pricks on the outside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q8j8v/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
%
The difference between a tea bag and England

The tea bag stays longer in the cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q8dms/the_difference_between_a_tea_bag_and_england/
%
I failed the communism test.

No Marx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q8d1t/i_failed_the_communism_test/
%
Someone discovered my password.

Now I have to rename my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q8923/someone_discovered_my_password/
%
Two Italian men get on a bus...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q87al/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
%
Joke

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q84u3/joke/
%
How can you find out the gender of an ant?

Throw it in the water.
If it sinks, it's a girl ant.
If it floats, it's buoyant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q83xs/how_can_you_find_out_the_gender_of_an_ant/
%
A man, desperate to get out of his marriage, wants to kill his wife.

Sitting at a bar one day, over the course of a few drinks, he tells a man he meets about his problems.  Artie, as he is called, says that he feels bad for the man, and he is willing to kill his wife for only a dollar.  A little inebriated and in disbelief, the man hands the man a dollar and tells him sure.  If you can kill my wife for a dollar, then here is your payment upfront.
A few days pass. Then a few weeks.  And soon the man forgets about the encounter, meanwhile he and his wife come to reconciliation.  Meanwhile, Artie is watching, stalking, waiting to make good on his contract.
One Sunday, the man and his wife are out grocery shopping at the nearby Kroger.  While in the produce section, the man tells his wife is going to find a bottle of wine for the evening.  The wife now alone, Artie sees his chance to make his move.  He innocently walks near her, and then suddenly wraps his hands around her throat.  Violently choking her to death.
Just as she takes her last breath, the man comes back.  He yells at him to stop, tries to fight him off, but it is too late.  In anger, he tries to kill the psychopath, but he is soon overpowered and is killed also.  Unfortunately, just as he is dying, an unlucky witness stumbles onto the crime, and he too is quickly killed.
It is a gruesome scene, police come, and slowly the entire story unfolds as to what happened.  The next morning, the newspapers read: Sunday at Kroger, Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar In The Produce Section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q81cs/a_man_desperate_to_get_out_of_his_marriage_wants/
%
Police arrested two kids the other day.

One was eating fireworks, the other was drinking battery acid. They charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q814n/police_arrested_two_kids_the_other_day/
%
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one night

when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
About one hour later Hillary sees her driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
”What happened to you?” asked Hillary.
”Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
”My God, what did you tell them?” asks Clinton.
The driver replies, ”I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7y6a/hillary_clinton_and_her_driver_were_cruising/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...to watch the Welsh play in the quarter-final

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7ws7/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk/
%
The oldest joke I know

A girl with no arms or legs was sad on the beach.
A man walked up and asked what was wrong.
She said she'd never been fucked.
He threw her in the water and said, "Now ur fucked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7w5x/the_oldest_joke_i_know/
%
Terrible headache

A man goes to the doctor to get seen about a headache he's had for the past twenty years.
Dr tells him his testicles are causing pressure on the base of his spine and has to be removed. Well no more headaches is enough to convince him tovget them removed.
He steps out of the doctors office and noticed how bright and nice the world looked without a headache.
Walking along he sees a tailors shop and decided why not? It's the first day of his new life after all.
"Hello I need a suit. My
jackets going to be-"
"27 long right?" The tailor asked.
"How...?"
"Oh I've been doing this for years!" The tailor chuckles.
"Okay, well my pants are.."
"Size 35?"
"Right again, might as well take some shoes. Size-"
"Size 12?"
"Yeah! That's amazing! How did you know?"
"Well Ive been doing this for a long time son. You want to add a pair of underwear and some socks with that as well?"
"Well..hey why not? My underwear is a size..."
"35 right? No problem."
"Haha sorry my man, I've been wearing a size 32 for the past twenty years or so."
"Size 32? Hahaha I've been doing this for a looong time, son. You need a size 34 otherwise that would push your testicles into the base of your spine and give you a hellvua headache!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7usw/terrible_headache/
%
I love the way the earth rotates.

It really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7uni/i_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
%
Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf...

Jesus, Moses and an old man were playing a round of golf and the score was dead even between the three players.
First up to try and break the tie was Jesus.
He wound up and followed through. The ball took a wicked dog leg to the right and fell into the water. Jesus walked over the water and made a beautiful chip shot for an eagle.
"Great shot, Jesus." said Moses.
Moses stepped up to take his shot and, like Jesus, his shot veered to the right and fell into the water. He parted the hazard and made a similarly impressive shot for an eagle.
"Nicely done." said Jesus.
Last was the old man.
He slowly approached the tee to make his shot. Like Moses and Jesus, the old man's shot veered right and plummeted towards the water hazard. But just before it hit the water a monstrous bass leaped up and grabbed the ball at the very same moment that an eagle swooped down and snatched the bass clean out of the air. As the eagle flew over the flag, the bass dropped the ball into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus said, "Would you quit fucking around, dad? We're trying to play seriously!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7sub/jesus_moses_and_an_old_man_are_playing_golf/
%
A drunk guy walks into a bar

So a drunk guy walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are assholes"!  Guy at the back of the bar yells, "Hey I resent that!"  Drunk guy says "Why, are you a lawyer"?  Guy at the back of the bar says "No, I am an asshole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7q9m/a_drunk_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So, a rope walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "No, you can't come in. No ropes allowed!"
The rope responds saying "Fine, I'll just take my business elsewhere!"
So the rope goes to another bar and the same thing happens. The bartender says " No, you can't come in. No ropes allowed!"
So the rope leaves, and suddenly gets an idea. The rope ties himself into a knot and walks into a new bar. The bartender, again, responds "Sorry, no ropes allowed"
So the rope says " Who is a rope?"
The bartender says " You."
The rope responds with" No, I'm knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7pab/so_a_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
%
"I couldn't work there after what he said to me..."

"What did he say?"
"You're fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7oq7/i_couldnt_work_there_after_what_he_said_to_me/
%
You wanna know the most HUMOROUS person I know?

My Chiropractor, he really cracks me up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7nt0/you_wanna_know_the_most_humorous_person_i_know/
%
Death in the family

A little boy wakes up crying and his parents rush to see whats wrong.  The little boy says, my dog is dead, i had a dream and he died. The dad says no the dog is fine, hes downstairs I will show you. So he mom dad and boy go downstairs and sure enough the dog is dead at the foot of the steps.  The parents brush it off as a fluke.  Next morning the boy wakes up and comes downstairs to the breakfast table crying again.  The parents ask whats wrong and the boy says grandma is dead, i had a dream she died.  The mom says no shes not I just talked to her and we are picking her up today for lunch.  They go to get grandma for lunch and they find her dead in her recliner.  At this point the parents are freaked and fearful for the next morning.  The next morning the boy wakes up smiling and laughing.  The parents say did you have any bad dreams?  The boy says yes, i dreamed that dad was dead but he is obviously not as he is here in front of me.  The boy then says, but it is odd the UPS guy is dead on our doorstep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7nfq/death_in_the_family/
%
If you were born in Poland and are now taking a piss in England, what are you?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7nep/if_you_were_born_in_poland_and_are_now_taking_a/
%
What do you find in the filing cabinets of a law firm?

Organised crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7n06/what_do_you_find_in_the_filing_cabinets_of_a_law/
%
Orgasm

A  boy comes home from school and talks to his Mother about his day.  The Mom asks "what did you learn in school today".  The boy says "In health class the teacher talked about orgasms, and I am still not sure what they are, what are they Mom"?   The Mother replies, "I don't know, never had one, ask your Father".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7kjn/orgasm/
%
Can a ninja throw a star?

Shur-he-can!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7irc/can_a_ninja_throw_a_star/
%
A black man walks into a gun store in Texas.

"I would like to see that glock on the display wall"
"I am sorry sir we are out of stock for those" replied the salesman.
"Ok, show me the one beside it, the rifle"
"We are out of those, as well"
Suspecting the salesman is a racist he goes to a lawyer.
When the lawyer, who is white, walks into the store and asks, "what have you got against blacks..." when he is interrupted.
"Well we have handguns, rifles, shotguns..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7icb/a_black_man_walks_into_a_gun_store_in_texas/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7gj4/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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My girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt.

So I fucked her three times and punched her in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7for/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_give_her_nine_inches_and/
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So, there's a plane...

So there's a plane. The plane crashes, and every single person dies. However, a man goes home and tells his wife about it. How is this possible?
He wasn't single.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7fm4/so_theres_a_plane/
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Why dont you need birth controls when having sex with British boys?

They are the earliest to pull out of eu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7e3s/why_dont_you_need_birth_controls_when_having_sex/
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Job application

So I decided to apply for a job at McDonalds. One of the questions on the application paper was "Have you ever been arrested?". There weren't any answers for my situation. So I wrote below, "No, but I am currently under two FBI investigations." The next day, my application was denied. So I decided to apply for a job at Target instead. They asked the same question, to which I wrote down the same answer. Denied. Same thing when I tried to apply for a job at Walmart. Damn, those guys are picky. Alas, expecting the same results, I decided to run to the registrations office where I filled out all of my information, and had numerous criminal background checks ran on me. To my luck, I am currently still in the race, but have come as far as being the Democratic Nominee, and hopefully having the job of being President of the United States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7e2e/job_application/
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A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7ds6/a_woman_shoots_her_husband_for_stepping_on_the/
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Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q7dlm/why_did_i_get_divorced/
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What do you call a black man selling drugs?

A pharmacist, you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q75uw/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_selling_drugs/
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Do all Europeans countries drive on the right?

No, the Brits left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q75fu/do_all_europeans_countries_drive_on_the_right/
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I've lost all control of my vowels...

Now I'm completely in consonant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q73cm/ive_lost_all_control_of_my_vowels/
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Are you made from Na, selenium and xenon?

Because you are sodium SeXe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q71i2/are_you_made_from_na_selenium_and_xenon/
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Apple have talked about their most recent iPhone recently,

The sales team seems to think it was a huge 6s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q70cn/apple_have_talked_about_their_most_recent_iphone/
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Why can't some snakes get boners?

Because they have a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6zwy/why_cant_some_snakes_get_boners/
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What is the difference between a dead hooker and a brick?

I don't have a brick floating in my pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6zsx/what_is_the_difference_between_a_dead_hooker_and/
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Ever wondered why china has over 1 billion population?

Cause the condom they use is "Made in china"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6xgw/ever_wondered_why_china_has_over_1_billion/
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You heard about /r/politics?

Or as I like to call it, "Baby's first election."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6wj7/you_heard_about_rpolitics/
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Once, a bucket of Sodium Hydroxide slipped out of Skrillex's hands.

He dropped the base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6uz1/once_a_bucket_of_sodium_hydroxide_slipped_out_of/
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What does a Jew with an erection get when he walks into a wall?

A broken nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6tok/what_does_a_jew_with_an_erection_get_when_he/
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I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

...I don't know y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6qjm/im_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he?

A seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6nrx/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
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I love the way earth rotates....

..it really makes my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6ic5/i_love_the_way_earth_rotates/
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What is the richest beverage?

Juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6hn1/what_is_the_richest_beverage/
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Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech. After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine driver commented that he'd heard the speech enough times, and that even though he didn't understand it, he felt as if he could deliver it word-for-word. So the physicist agreed to trade places and let him give the speech, and the physicist would sit in the back and wear the limousine driver's uniform. After giving the speech flawlessly, the limousine driver opened the floor for questions from the students (typically there were none). However, at this particular University there was a rather egotistical student who thought he was smart enough to compete mentally with the Nobel physicist. The question took 5 minutes to get out and would require a rather lengthy explanation and some complex calculus to answer. Without batting an eye, the limousine driver responded to the young student by saying, "The answer to that question is so easy, I'll let my limousine driver, seated in the back, respond."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6hj8/nobel_award_winning_physicist_and_his_limo_driver/
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What do you call a computer smoking weed ?

High tech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6h9e/what_do_you_call_a_computer_smoking_weed/
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What is a communist's favorite fabric?

Linen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6g32/what_is_a_communists_favorite_fabric/
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I'm going to go on a Brexit diet

The pounds will drop fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6fwi/im_going_to_go_on_a_brexit_diet/
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The most romantic first line, and least romantic second line.

- I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But keep the paper bag upon your face.
- I thought I could love no other -
That is, until I met your brother.
- I love your smile, your face, your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
- My love, you take my breath away.
What've you stepped in to smell this way?
- My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe, "Go to Hell."
- I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why, I wake up creaming.
- Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
- What inspired the amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6bga/the_most_romantic_first_line_and_least_romantic/
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John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.
“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”
Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murders on his hands, John let’s Jeff go free.
A few months later after a policy enquiry John is called into court for murder. As he walks in he sees Jeff in the witness stand and looks at the Judge.
“Fuck” he whispers to his lawyer.
“What’s wrong?” the lawyer asks
“I made that witness promise he wouldn’t tell a soul about what he saw.
“So what’s the problem?” the lawyer asks again
“The judge is a fucking ginger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6ajz/john_murders_his_wife/
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Do you know what they call yo mama's legs?

"Rock" and "Hard place". Why? Because everyone has been between them at some point in their lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q69h2/do_you_know_what_they_call_yo_mamas_legs/
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Reddit, I'm worried...

Today, I got a note from my son's teacher. It said: "If you promise not to believe anything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q669f/reddit_im_worried/
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A couple is going through a divorce...

...and custody of the son comes into question.
The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.
The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost everyone in this twisted family has a history of domestic violence. Not wanting to subject the poor boy to a life of physical punishment, the court decided to take a recess to brainstorm what to do with the son. The court eventually comes to a historic and unprecedented conclusion:
The boy would be in custody of the England national football team because they're incapable of beating anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q64ww/a_couple_is_going_through_a_divorce/
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A black guy, mexican, and jew walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "Get the fuck out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q60t3/a_black_guy_mexican_and_jew_walk_into_a_bar/
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Dear England,

Now you know what it feels like when you're out of Europe against your will.
Scotland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q5zvg/dear_england/
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What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q5ybm/whats_black_and_screams/
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The most popular man in the world

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.
"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."
"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"
"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.
"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.
Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"
"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,
"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."
"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"
TL;DR Ned is super popular and Bill can't believe it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q5slm/the_most_popular_man_in_the_world/
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What do you say when somebody cuts in front of you in line for Vietnamese noodles?

Hey, pho queue, dude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q5odf/what_do_you_say_when_somebody_cuts_in_front_of/
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England 1 - 2 Iceland

Credits to Iceland though, can't take that away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q5o8y/england_1_2_iceland/
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Some kid was being annoying so I hit him on the face with a baseball bat.

He started crying and I didn't even bat an eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q5o08/some_kid_was_being_annoying_so_i_hit_him_on_the/
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England votes to leave the Euro cup

Many express regret and want a rematch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q5nhz/england_votes_to_leave_the_euro_cup/
%
There was an armless and legless woman crying on a pier

. A man walks up to her asking if everything is alright. In between tears the woman explains that she has never been kissed in her life. The man says i can help you and kisses her on the lips.  The woman stops crying and says she has also never been fucked before. The man throws her off the pier into the water and says now your fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q5md9/there_was_an_armless_and_legless_woman_crying_on/
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Doctor Visit

I saw Dr. Sanfers for my checkup and he asked a lot of questions.  After two visits and lots of lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.  That comment concerned me so I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'  'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?'  I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'  'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'  'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even care?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q5ik6/doctor_visit/
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A photon walks into a hotel

The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q5db7/a_photon_walks_into_a_hotel/
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I told my friend I made $600 a month selling dog shit

He said: "That's gross!"
I said: "No, that's net."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q5d7u/i_told_my_friend_i_made_600_a_month_selling_dog/
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I saw a sausage fly by my window

I must be going insane it was actually a bird.
I think I've taken a Tern for the Wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q5d0k/i_saw_a_sausage_fly_by_my_window/
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Mum, father hanged himself!

A little boy runs to his mum crying: "Mum, Mum", he screams, "Father hanged himself!"
"Where is he hanging?", his mum asks.
"In the attic!", the boy says.
So the mum and her son go to the attic but nobody's there.
"But he isn't there", says the mum in relief.
Then her son says: "April Fool! He's hanging in the basement!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q597a/mum_father_hanged_himself/
%
Man walks into a bar

A gentleman walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender is making his drink, he notices the man go into his jacket and pull out a tiny stool and place it on the bar. After fumbling around in another pocket, he pulls out a tiny piano and places it next to the stool. He then goes into another pocket and pulls out a tiny man.  The man walks over to the stool, pulls it up to the piano and begins to play.
Astonished, the bartender asks, "Where did you get that tiny man?"
The gentleman replies, "See, I found this bottle. And when you give it a nice rub, a genie will come out and grant you one wish." So he pulls the bottle out and hands it to the bartender.
He rubs the bottle and a genie pops out. "You may have one wish!" She says.
"I wish for a million bucks!" Replied the gleeful bartender. The genie nods her head and a cloud of smoke appears. When the smoke clears, the door to the bar opens and in walks a duck. And another duck. And more ducks. Until the whole bar is filled with ducks.
The bartender turns to the gentleman and says, "Hey man I think your genie is hard of hearing."
The gentleman replies, "Of course she is! You really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q543c/man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Mexican bookstore

A man is walking through a mall and notices a store sign that says "Mexican bookstore" So he decides to go in because he has never seen Mexican book store before. He browses through the store, and then he finally asks the clerk
"Do you have the book on Donald Trump's immigration policy?"
The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out and stay out!".
The man replies "Yeah, that's the one! Do you have it in paperback?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q4xwk/mexican_bookstore/
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What is Romeo and Juliet's favorite fruit?

Cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q4ug4/what_is_romeo_and_juliets_favorite_fruit/
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A Native American asked his chief about the coming winter

"How bad will this winter be?" He asked.
"It is good to be prepared. Get some firewood ready" replied the chief.
The chief then called his friend in the national weather service to ask him. " How bad will this winter be?"
The meteorologist said "this will be a pretty cold winter"
The chief then told his people what the meteorologist said. A few weeks later the chief called to ask again, just to be sure.
"Well," said the meteorologist, "its gonna be worse than we thought this year."
Again the chief relayed this to his people and told them to put out more firewood.
Right before the winter came, the chief called the meteorologist once more to ask, "how bad will this winter be?"
The meteorologist said "it's gonna be worse than we thought"
The chief thanked the meteorologist and asked him "how do you get such accurate information?"
"Well, we have teams of scientists that study patterns to predict what the weather will be like. But we found that the most reliable method is to just look at how much firewood the native Americans put out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q4t33/a_native_american_asked_his_chief_about_the/
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How many Brexiters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Woah woah woah... I never said there was a lightbulb!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q4s7l/how_many_brexiters_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How do you reuse a condom?

You turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q4q6p/how_do_you_reuse_a_condom/
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Why do people like Trump over Obama?

Because Orange is the new Black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q4pqb/why_do_people_like_trump_over_obama/
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How do you make a pheromone?

Tell him to let your people go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q4nwa/how_do_you_make_a_pheromone/
%
Britain's got pretty racist since the referendum;

I was behind a Latvian couple in Tesco yesterday and the lady behind the checkout asked if they wanted any help packing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q4mlt/britains_got_pretty_racist_since_the_referendum/
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What's the hardest part about walking through a field of dead babies?

My erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q4mh8/whats_the_hardest_part_about_walking_through_a/
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What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple will wait until puberty before it comes on a boy's face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q4kpp/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_pimple/
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Son: Sir is this snake poisonous

Father: No son, this snake isn't poisonous at all.
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other children watching, horrified*
Father: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q4kbh/son_sir_is_this_snake_poisonous/
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The Paperboy

The paperboy
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q49sm/the_paperboy/
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3 Pregnant Women Joke

Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q48n0/3_pregnant_women_joke/
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The inventor of the snooze button has passed away.

His funeral will take place tomorrow at 8:00, 8:06, 8:11, 8:13, and 8:14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q45by/the_inventor_of_the_snooze_button_has_passed_away/
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A registered organ donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime...

Because they de-liver for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q44rc/a_registered_organ_donor_passed_away_his_body_was/
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An Englishman and a Scotsman...

An Englishman and a Scotsman are neighbours. The Scotsman has a hen which lays a beautiful egg every morning for him to eat on the porch. Every morning the Englishman watches how the Scotsman eats up his delicious-looking egg and starts getting envious. One morning, he gets lucky and the hen walks into his yard before laying the egg. The Scotsman sees him picking up the egg and says: ''What are you doing with my egg?'' The Englishman replies ''It's in my yard, so it's mine!'' The Scotsman says: ''But the hen that laid it belongs to me! Look mate, I can see we're never going to get to the end of this. How about we deal this in the traditional Scottish way?'' ''How?'', asks the Englishman. ''It's simple, really. First, I'll kick you in the balls as hard as I can, and when you can pick yourself up, you return the favour. The man who picks himself up in the least amount of time gets the egg.'' The Englishman agrees to the deal. The Scotsman gets his heaviest steel-capped boots and swings with the power of a young David Beckham and hits between the Englishman's legs. The Englishman rolls on the ground in agony for 31 minutes and 20 seconds before he finally manages to get up and says: ''Alright, now it's my turn.'' He gets his own heavy boots, and as prepares he prepares to swing, the Scotsman stops him at the last moment. ''You know what? I think I'll just have cereal for breakfast today.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q40d1/an_englishman_and_a_scotsman/
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How can north korea tell if it made a ship or a submarine?

By how fast it sinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q40af/how_can_north_korea_tell_if_it_made_a_ship_or_a/
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So I drank a bottle of colon cleanser this morning...

Just kidding, I'm full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q404o/so_i_drank_a_bottle_of_colon_cleanser_this_morning/
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A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines...

A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines and how long they can stay underwater.
The British captain starts off saying: "Our submarines can stay underwater for 6 months before having to resurface!".
The American replies: "Pff, that's nothing. Our submarines can go for a whole 3 years and never have to come to the surface once!".
At this point the North Korean starts laughing and says: "Oh boys, that's really cute and all, but we launched a submarine in 1968 and it hasn't surfaced yet!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3y0n/a_british_an_american_and_a_north_korean_captain/
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A prospector finds gold...

A prospector is mining for gold in Alaska when he finally manages to find a large portion of gold nuggets. Overcome with happiness he decides to celebrate. He goes off into town and into an inn where he asks for the roughest, toughest, meanest prostitute they have. The bartender tells him to go room 4 and wait. The prospector then buys two bottles of beer and goes up to the room.
The prostitute comes along.
Prospector: So you're the roughest, toughest, meanest prostitute around?
Prostitute: Yes I am. Now let's do this.
She undresses and bends over and grabs her ankles. The prospector gets very confused.
Prospector: Wait... How did you know that was the position I wanted to do it in?
Prostitute: I didn't... I just thought you wanted to open those two beers first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3wv7/a_prospector_finds_gold/
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Gay jokes arn't funny

Come on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3wps/gay_jokes_arnt_funny/
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Make sure you tip your waitress...

It's very funny when they fall over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3uvk/make_sure_you_tip_your_waitress/
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"What is the fastest thing you know?"

the interviewer asked to 4 candidates.
Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir , the Russian.
"Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed”.
He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, Turning on a LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to Patel, the Guy from India , the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Patel replied, (in his Gujju accent!) "Apter herring da 3 prebius ansers sir, et's obius to me dat the fastest thing is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats..
"Oh, I can expleyn sir," said Patel. “You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was pheeling bad and so I run so fast to the baatrum, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I alredi done it !
"Patel is now the new "Office Manager" at Wal-Mart in Washington.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3tws/what_is_the_fastest_thing_you_know/
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A Koala walks into a bar...

So he sits down and after a while of chatting with the barkeep he starts to notice a girl eyeing him from across the bar. So he goes and talks to her and after some flirting they decide to go upstairs
So they go upstairs and get into the 69 position and when its all said and done the koala goes to leave, but the girl says "Hey, where's my money?" Appalled he says "What do you mean?" She replies by telling him to look up the definition of prostitute in the dictionary. He does so and it reads 'One who does sexual acts for money.' He then tells her to look up the definition of koala in the dictionary. She does this and it reads "small, tree dwelling marsupial that eats bush and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3r9d/a_koala_walks_into_a_bar/
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It's been reported that Donald Trump has recently found Jesus ...

And had him deported.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3qqr/its_been_reported_that_donald_trump_has_recently/
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You can't trust a mule with an important task.

They'll just half-ass it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3p8p/you_cant_trust_a_mule_with_an_important_task/
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How does Pinocchio's father know when his son tells a lie?

He just nose it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3ozw/how_does_pinocchios_father_know_when_his_son/
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swimming pool wishes

At a swimming pool: Three guys climb a high-dive tower and meet a good fairy who offers to fulfill a wish for each of them. One jumps and says, "Beer!" - and the pool is full of beer. The other one jumps, says, "Money!" and the pool is full of money. The last one starts to jump but slips and, falling, yells, "SHIIIIIIT!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3nce/swimming_pool_wishes/
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a couple is going through a divorce

The mom makes a big fuss, saying she absolutely HAS to keep the son. The dad asks "Why?"
"Because I gave birth to him!"
The man thinks for a while and finally says "If I put money into a soda vending machine, is the soda mine or the machine's?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3mi5/a_couple_is_going_through_a_divorce/
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One night a Scottish couple took a walk through a beautiful lit up town...

The woman says to the man, ''You want to hold my hand, don't you?''
The man says,''Yes, how did you know?''
She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.''
So they held hands.
A little down the road the woman says to the man, ''You want to kiss me don't you?''
The man says,''Yes, how did you know?''
She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.''
So they kissed and kept walking.
A little later the woman askes the man, ''You want to screw me don't you?''
The man says, ''How did you know? By the gleam in my eye?''
The woman says, ''No, by the tilt in your kilt.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3llw/one_night_a_scottish_couple_took_a_walk_through_a/
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What happened to the man with a legal fetish when he went to court for his parking ticket?

He got off on a technicality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3grf/what_happened_to_the_man_with_a_legal_fetish_when/
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Have you heard about the new super-popular broom that came out?

It's sweeping the nation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3fe9/have_you_heard_about_the_new_superpopular_broom/
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[NSFW] My new girlfriend just introduced me to her fetish....

I didn't want to tell anyone, but I just had to get this shit off my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3ent/nsfw_my_new_girlfriend_just_introduced_me_to_her/
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why didn't the alcoholic become a lawyer?

because he couldn't pass the bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3dhu/why_didnt_the_alcoholic_become_a_lawyer/
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Bartender, There's a Fly In My Beer!

A millionaire, a hard hat, and an old drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug.
The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it.
The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest.
It's now the old drunk's turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q3dhf/bartender_theres_a_fly_in_my_beer/
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A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question.

The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.
The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost everyone in this twisted family has a history of domestic violence. Not wanting to subject the poor boy to a life of physical punishment, the court decided to take a recess to brainstorm what to do with the son. The court eventually comes to a historic and unprecedented conclusion:
The boy would be in custody of the England national football team because they're incapable of beating anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q386t/a_couple_is_going_through_a_divorce_and_custody/
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Why aren't digital images of Bob Marley scalable?

Because they're all rasta graphics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q35s6/why_arent_digital_images_of_bob_marley_scalable/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q355h/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk/
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I played a blank CD full blast on repeat all night last night.

The mime next door went nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q32es/i_played_a_blank_cd_full_blast_on_repeat_all/
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Why did the EU start downloading random stuff to it's computer?

It had freed up one GB of space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q2yqo/why_did_the_eu_start_downloading_random_stuff_to/
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A young man is in a terrible accident

and as a result he loses one of his eyes.
He goes to see the optician and the Dr says "I'm sorry sir, but we're all out of new glass eyes, so we can only offer one of the old wooden eyes".
The young man accepts and leaves the clinic.
That weekend he heads to a local dance, everyone is dancing around and having fun except for one girl all alone, the man's friend spots her and says "go and ask her for a dance".
The young man gets up the courage to head over and taps her on the shoulder:
"Excuse me miss, would you like to dance?"
The girl turns around and peculiarly has her mouth vertical instead of horizontal.
She is overjoyed with being asked to dance and exclaims back "Oh wow, wouldn't I!"
To which the young man yells back, "Oi, don't call me wooden eye, cunt mouth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q2y09/a_young_man_is_in_a_terrible_accident/
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Why was Cinderella kicked out of the football team?

She ran away from the ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q2xu5/why_was_cinderella_kicked_out_of_the_football_team/
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Classic joke for our Muslim friends today

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.
So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.
John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.
The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.
Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q2wrw/classic_joke_for_our_muslim_friends_today/
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Help! I've been robbed!

They stole everything except my deodorant, shampoo and hand soap.
Dirty bastards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q2skb/help_ive_been_robbed/
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Roses are red

.
Violets are....red
Tulips are red
My garden is on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q2iie/roses_are_red/
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World War II Pilots crash on a deserted island

World War II is in full force, and a Japanese biplane and an american plane both crash after a dogfight on a deserted jungle island.
An American pilot, a German Pilot, and one Japanese pilot meet on the beach and figure they'll call a truce until they're rescued.
"Alright you guys" says the American. "I'll get the fire going. You go into the forest and find anything to help set up a camp."
The german goes off to look for food, and tells the Japanese pilot to handle the supplies.
Time passes, and soon a roaring signal fire is going, the german pilot has returned with fruits and pig meat, but the sun is starting to go down and the Japanese soldier is nowhere to be found.
Not wanting to be down a man in their situation, the American and the German both venture into the woods to look for him.
They search for a long many hours and both decide to head back to camp and to continue the search tomorrow.
When they get back to their camp, the Japanese pilot jumps out from behind a rock and yells "SUPPLIES!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q2hpp/world_war_ii_pilots_crash_on_a_deserted_island/
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Little Billy and his class went on a field trip with Ms. Marie

On their way back, the bus broke down and on top of that there was a huge storm. There was no way they could make it back that day so they decided to stay in a motel nearby for the night. The children were fed and put to bed.
Little Billy came to Ms Marie and said he couldn't sleep and the only way he could fall asleep was to put his pinky in someone's belly button. She said, "ok little Billy I will help you fall asleep". So she lied beside him. After a while she had a funny feeling and  she said, "Now there Little Billy, that ain't my belly button but something else" and to that little Billy replied, "Oh that's alright Ms Marie that ain't my pinky either but something else!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q2b95/little_billy_and_his_class_went_on_a_field_trip/
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Girl with no arms or leg

Came early, time to make a joke...So there was a girl with no arms or legs on a beach. As a man walked pass her she started crying. The man asked 'Whats the matter dear?' and the girl replied with 'I've never been hugged before.' So the man hugs her and the girl starts crying again. The man asks 'Whats wrong now?'. The girl replies with 'I've never been kissed before'. So the man kisses her and the girl starts crying yet again. So the man asks 'Whats the matter now?' The girl replies with 'I've never been fucked before.' So the man picks her up and throws her into the ocean and says 'You're fucked now.'﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q2b4a/girl_with_no_arms_or_leg/
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A guy rescued a genie.

To return the favor, the genie offered him a wish: he could have unlimited money, or unlimited wisdom. The man chose the latter. A few days passed by, his friend came to visit him, finding him crying very fiercely and screaming the sentence: "I should have chosen the money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q29cz/a_guy_rescued_a_genie/
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How did our grandparents killed time when there were no Smartphones and Internet?

I already asked my mom, her four sisters and five brothers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q28up/how_did_our_grandparents_killed_time_when_there/
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Someone farted in an Apple Store.

Too bad they don't have Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q260f/someone_farted_in_an_apple_store/
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A termite walks into a bar and asks

"Where is the bar tender?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q25sn/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

"See you next month!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q24wf/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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Three large girls walk into a bar...

They sit down at the bar and try to order a drink. The bartender clearly doesn't understand their heavy accents so a man comes over to try and help. The man says, "excuse me, but are you ladies from Scotland?"
They say, "No! Wales, Wales!"
"Oh my apologies! Are you whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q2109/three_large_girls_walk_into_a_bar/
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I discovered recently that I can cut wood just by looking at it

It's true I saw it with my eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q1zn6/i_discovered_recently_that_i_can_cut_wood_just_by/
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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah that's the one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q1vz9/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_says_to_the/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered child molester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q1vyw/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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Build a man a fire and you warm him for a day.

Light a man on fire and you warm him for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q1uy2/build_a_man_a_fire_and_you_warm_him_for_a_day/
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A trip to Wales.

A couple are driving through Wales late one night and they pass through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwilllantysiliogogogoch. With nothing much else to do , they start arguing over the pronunciation. Eventually they decide to stop somewhere and ask a local. They pull up somewhere and go inside, and ask the staff member "excuse me, could you pronounce the name of this place, really slowly?"
The kid behind the counter gives them a confused look, and says "burr-gurr kiiiiing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q1u5o/a_trip_to_wales/
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How does a Welshman find sheep in tall grass?

Irresistible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q1sw9/how_does_a_welshman_find_sheep_in_tall_grass/
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Why are gametes best suited to advertising careers?

Because sex cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q1s7x/why_are_gametes_best_suited_to_advertising_careers/
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John and Peter

John: Dude my girlfriend is pregnant, but I use a condom every time.
Peter: Come here my dear friend and I will explain it to you
John: Ok.
Peter: A man went into the jungle with an umbrella. He saw a tiger coming right at him. He touched the button of his umbrella and the tiger died.
John: Haha!But that's impossible. Maybe someone else shot the tiger.
Peter: Exactly..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q1ppc/john_and_peter/
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Teacher asks Johnny, "What's Wrong?"

Johnny :- Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny, are you asleep?'
I say No & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye
Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.
The following morning Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.
Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again? Johnny:- Dad asked me if I was asleep. I shut up & kept dead still. Then my mum and dad started moving at the same time. Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, "Are you coming?" Mum said, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?" Dad answered:- Yes.
Well, they don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "wait for me, I'm coming too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q1mvq/teacher_asks_johnny_whats_wrong/
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My girlfriend says she prefers a dildo over me.

I never saw it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q1k55/my_girlfriend_says_she_prefers_a_dildo_over_me/
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Did you hear about the man who was arrested for molesting a duck?

He was suspected of Fowl Play

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q1h5s/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_was_arrested_for/
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It is said that wearing T-shirts make you feel cooler in Summer

I've been wearing a dozen of them but it's still hot like hell. Damn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q1fwl/it_is_said_that_wearing_tshirts_make_you_feel/
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school

. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q1e8j/little_april_was_not_the_best_student_in_sunday/
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What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pimple?

A pimple doesn't come on a boys face until he's 13

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q19zq/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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What do you call a blue-eyed blonde that doesn't eat meat?

A vegetaryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q12mx/what_do_you_call_a_blueeyed_blonde_that_doesnt/
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What's the best way to sum up the 90's?

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q124y/whats_the_best_way_to_sum_up_the_90s/
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Fun Facts

The reason that their are only 49 contestants in the Miss America Contest is because nobody wants to wear a banner that says "IDAHO"
My mind is like a bear trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2 AM! Can you believe it? He's lucky I was up playing with my Heavy Metal band!
Every day, you beat your previous record of consecutive days alive.
Fire fighting is like sex - The most important things are Size, equipment and technique.
Politicians and diapers have a lot in common. They both should be changed frequently, and for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0zv0/fun_facts/
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After years in the Military

, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0xy8/after_years_in_the_military/
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Best exercise to lose a few pounds...

So my friend who is a fitness instructor just came up with a new exercise to lose pounds in just a matter of days. He calls it the "Brexit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0xad/best_exercise_to_lose_a_few_pounds/
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Three econometricians went out hunting and came across a large deer.

The first econometrician fired, but missed by one meter to the left. The second econometrician fire, but missed by one meter to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0wt5/three_econometricians_went_out_hunting_and_came/
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Why can't America play chess?

They are missing 2 towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0w2x/why_cant_america_play_chess/
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A guy walks up to a girl in the bar with his fist closed and says........I will go down on you if you can guess what I have in my hand.

The girl says........The empire state building.
The guy says..........That's close enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0umt/a_guy_walks_up_to_a_girl_in_the_bar_with_his_fist/
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My left butt cheek was hurting pretty bad earlier, so I asked my girlfriend to massage it for me. I told her...

that I didn't want it half-assed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0otj/my_left_butt_cheek_was_hurting_pretty_bad_earlier/
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Making English the language of the EU

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt. conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome  "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre  that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZEN ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!! And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0o27/making_english_the_language_of_the_eu/
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A Doctor tries to make some money off of an engineer

An unemployed engineer who was tired of being jobless opens his own medical clinic. "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll play you $1,000 if we fail."
A doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000, and goes to the clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The doctor gets annoyed and goes back to a couple days to hopefully recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I can't remember anything!"
Engineer: "Nurse please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth."
Doctor: "But that's gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will me $500."
The doctor leaves angrily, but returns several days later more determined than every to make is money back.
Doctor: "I've lost my eyesight."
Engineer: "Well I don't have any cure for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor only $500.
Doctor: "But this is only $500!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your eyesight back. That will me $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0nvj/a_doctor_tries_to_make_some_money_off_of_an/
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the G.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0n9f/how_do_you_make_a_goldfish_old/
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My ex-wife is like a tornado

First she blows, then she sucks, then she took my house and dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0n7k/my_exwife_is_like_a_tornado/
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Why is their always lightning in France?

Obviously, since lightning takes the path of least resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0ilq/why_is_their_always_lightning_in_france/
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Mexico is starting to build a wall

They're worried about the Americans crossing the border when Trump is elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0fha/mexico_is_starting_to_build_a_wall/
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What's the difference between Luke Skywalker and a black man?

Luke Skywalker eventually finds out who his father is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0dps/whats_the_difference_between_luke_skywalker_and_a/
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What separates man from animal?

Divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0c3w/what_separates_man_from_animal/
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ORAL SEX

At this stage of our marriage, me and the wife only practice oral sex. Whenever we pass each other, we both say , 'fuck you.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0bq5/oral_sex/
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A grasshopper walks into a bar

, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q0941/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call the reptile that started the fight?

The insti-gator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q02cp/what_do_you_call_the_reptile_that_started_the/
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A tourist goes to a restaurant in Spain

and sees a pair of huge testicles on the counter. He asks the waiter what those are, and the waiter said, "Today, there was a bullfight. These are the balls of the bull. You can eat them."
The man replied, "I would like to!"
"Sorry," the waiter said, "but these balls are already reserved for someone else. Come back tomorrow."
The man does, and the waiter serves him his balls. However, they were very small! He gets angry at the waiter, and asks him about the testicles.
"Well, sometimes the bull wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q00wf/a_tourist_goes_to_a_restaurant_in_spain/
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When the US went to the moon....

...they planted the American Flag. After all these years the radiation from the Sun will have bleached it completely white, so now if Aliens find it they are going to think the French were there first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzz4q/when_the_us_went_to_the_moon/
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In Soviet Russia...

...end of joke is when line punches *you*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzxiy/in_soviet_russia/
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What did you have for breakfast? Pea Soup

Q: What did you have for lunch?
A: Pea Soup
Q: What did you have for dinner?
A: Pea Soup
Q: What did you do all night?
A: Pee soup…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzw93/what_did_you_have_for_breakfast_pea_soup/
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What's Invisible and Smells Like Mice?

Cat Farts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzw4d/whats_invisible_and_smells_like_mice/
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What did the chemist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzvzd/what_did_the_chemist_say_when_he_found_2_isotopes/
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An eccentric billionaire throws a lavish party...

Please bear with me as I heard/read this one years ago so I might not recall the details correctly:
An eccentric billionaire is throwing a lavish party with guests from all over the world. As the party is well under way he asks his guests to walk over to his Olympic sized swimming pool where he had it filled with all kinds of dangerous creatures, sharks, piranhas, crocodiles, you name it it is there! So he tells his guests "I will give anything to the person who is brave enough to jump in the pool and swim across!" The place falls silent as the guests only whisper amongst themselves in bewilderment. "Anything that person can dream of will be his!" the billionaire tells the guests again. Suddenly a large splash is heard and a guy is seen struggling to swim through, and miraculously he makes it across! The room erupts in cheers and the billionaire approaches the man who swam across, and tells him "I am a man of my word, and since you made it across what do you desire? Money, mansions, my daughters hand in marriage?" The man still visibly shaken and struggling to catch his breath replies "I just want to know the name of the son of a bitch who pushed me in the pool!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzujb/an_eccentric_billionaire_throws_a_lavish_party/
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An American POW was being held in Germany...

Both of his arms were injured during the fighting and the Nazis amputated one.
"Can you drop my arm over allied territory for my wife?" The soldier asked.
The doctors obliged.
A few days later the other arm became infected and they amputated that one.
"Can you drop it over allied territory for my wife?" He asked again.
The doctors met his second request.
A few weeks later, the soldier's leg got smashed in the work camp and had to be amputated.
"Can you drop my leg over allied territory for my wife?" He asked.
"Nein!" The doctors told him. "We cannot do this any more!"
"Why not?"
"We think you're  trying to escape!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzu6b/an_american_pow_was_being_held_in_germany/
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A Scottish man walks store...

He asked for 15 litres of the best whiskey the clerk has. "Did you bring a container for this?" The clerk asks. "You're speaking to it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzsdy/a_scottish_man_walks_store/
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An American, a Brit, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar

A fly lands in each of their beers, the American takes the fly out of the glass and keeps on drinking. The Brit looks at the fly and asks the waitress for a new drink. The Irishman grabs the fly, squeezes it and yells "spit it out you greedy bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzqxf/an_american_a_brit_and_an_irishman_are_sitting_at/
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A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot were riding in a car when it crashed into a tree.

Suddenly, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up.
"OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings."
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.  The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then go to hell!"
With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.  The mathematician then asked,
"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then go to Hell!"
With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.  The idiot then stepped forward and said,
"Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair.
"Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.  Standing up, he asked,
"Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said,
"The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."  And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzpiu/a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an_idiot_were/
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Some people think it's difficult to live with Erectile Dysfunction

But really, it's not that hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzoa5/some_people_think_its_difficult_to_live_with/
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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzna1/two_boys_were_arguing_when_the_teacher_entered/
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I opened a new nightclub named 'Erectile Dysfunction'.

It was a complete flop, nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzi8u/i_opened_a_new_nightclub_named_erectile/
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A man goes into a job interview...

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is,
"Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzhum/a_man_goes_into_a_job_interview/
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Why don't they have showers on airplanes?

Because of the towel ban.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzhex/why_dont_they_have_showers_on_airplanes/
%
Two guys are walking their dogs down the street...

One has a golden retriever the other a Chihuahua. As they are going along the one with the retriever sees a bar. He turns to his friend and suggests they go in for a quick drink. His friend says "That would be great but see the sign, no dogs allowed". The guy turns to him and says "Don't worry, just do what I do". So the guy puts on some sunglasses and goes into the bar with his retriever. The tender turns to him and says "Hey! No dogs allowed". The guy quickly retorts "Oh no, this is my seeing eye dog". The bartender says ok and lets him sit.
His friend thinks about it and figures, why not. He puts on some sunglasses and walks in. The tender quickly turns and yells, "Hey! No dogs allowed in the bar!"
The friend quickly replies "No, you don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog!"
The bartender replies skeptically "A Chihuahua is your seeing eye dog?"
"THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzgd2/two_guys_are_walking_their_dogs_down_the_street/
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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pzfet/a_professor_a_ceo_and_a_janitor_are_in_a_forest/
%
The owner of Bell Incorporated has just died...

The first in line to receive the inheritance is the owner's son, who gladly accepts it. However, the company lawyer says that he needs to take a photo of him for legal purposes. After developing the photo, he sends it off to the employees in the company to announce their new boss. He says "Here's the fresh prints of Bell heir".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pz6wl/the_owner_of_bell_incorporated_has_just_died/
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If black people have the race card, women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pz5fv/if_black_people_have_the_race_card_women_have_the/
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A Pole, a German and a Russian go to prison...

A Pole, a German and a Russian are sent to prison. They each receive a 50-year sentence with no parole. The guard, when putting them in their cells, shows mercy on them and offers to give each of them a small supply of their favourite things to occupy their times. The Pole picks a collection of books by his favourite author, the German picks a case of strong beer, and the Russian picks a huge pack of cigarettes. After the 50 years pass, the guard checks on his prisoners. The Pole thanks the guard for allowing him to gain knowledge in his time, the German complains that he ran out of alcohol a week into his sentence, and the Russian asks the guard for a lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pz4ls/a_pole_a_german_and_a_russian_go_to_prison/
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How do u spell candy w only 2 letters

c and y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pyzz8/how_do_u_spell_candy_w_only_2_letters/
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What is Jose Cuervo's favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pyyed/what_is_jose_cuervos_favorite_book/
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“Customer feedback.”

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pyxpx/customer_feedback/
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President Obama is doing his morning exercises...

...and jogging around the White House grounds when one of the Secret Service agents suggests he should see how fast he can circle the White House ten times. After all, it is a presidential tradition to try it at least once, and being moderately athletic, he figured he'd make pretty good time. So he stands at the south portico with the agent, who counts him down.
"3...2...1...go!"
President Obama takes off. He paces himself, not wanting to exhaust himself too quickly, and dodges gardeners, agents, and groundskeepers all the while. He laps the White House once, twice, three times, never losing speed. Several minutes pass by and as he laps the portico, the Secret Service agent yells out, "One more, Mr. President!"
Obama launches himself into a mad sprint, going for broke and running like he'd never run before. He rounds one corner, then a second, then a third, and finally the last. Sweat is pouring down his face and his heart is pounding.
Finally, he reaches the portico and the agent clicks his stopwatch and hands Obama a cup of water. The president is very out of breath and bracing himself on the pillar, but pleased with himself all the same.
"So, how'd I do?"
The agent checks the stopwatch and says, "Very well, Mr. President. Nine minutes and 23 seconds."
"Really? That has to be a record!"
The agent responds, "Not quite, sir. Bush did 9:11."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pyx21/president_obama_is_doing_his_morning_exercises/
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How many Muslims does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Allah them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pywkk/how_many_muslims_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Fantastic exercise

that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pyvz7/fantastic_exercise/
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An old man on his deathbed spent his entire life clinging to his money

Joke: An old man on his death bed has spent his entire life pinching pennies and clinging to all of his money. Friendless, he is surrounded by his priest, doctor, and lawyer. Just before he dies he tells them, "I know most people say that you can't bring money with you after you die, but I want you to all throw this into my grave just as they are about to bury me." With this being said he hands them all envelopes with $50,000 in them.
After his funeral the three are discussing the money. The doctor says, "I have to confess something. I've really been wanting a vacation so I only threw $40,000 in."
The priest follows, "I must also confess. We are renovating the church so I only threw in $25,000. I feel terrible."
The lawyer lashes out at them, "You guys are terrible! Not only did I throw in the $50,000 he gave me, but I added my own $10,000."
The doctor replies, "Why in the world would you give that greedy man your money?"
The lawyer replies, "He was a good man so I wrote him a check for the full amount."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pyrws/an_old_man_on_his_deathbed_spent_his_entire_life/
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What do an anorexic girl and the UK have in common?

They both lose pounds really fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pypo4/what_do_an_anorexic_girl_and_the_uk_have_in_common/
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So I went to visit an old friend with a stutter...

He had made quite a bit of money since we had seen each other and I asked him how he did it. "Well I I go do door to do door and sel sell bibles". I asked him how he had made so much doing it and he said that he just says "yo you can b buy a bi bible or I I can re read iit to you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pymme/so_i_went_to_visit_an_old_friend_with_a_stutter/
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While playing in the backyard, Johnny kills a honeybee

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pykfb/while_playing_in_the_backyard_johnny_kills_a/
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A village kid asks his parish priest if he could play with his horse..

Priest: "Ok but my horse is no ordinary horse. You have to pay attention to the instructions:
Say THANK GOD and it will bolt & run. Say PRAISE YOU LORD & it will run faster. Say LORD HAVE MERCY and it will stop immediately. Don't forget."
So, the kid gets on the horse, says "THANK GOD" and they run off. Wanting to see how fast the horse can run, he says "PRAISE YOU LORD" repeatedly and the horse ran so fast, the kid didn't see that they were headed for a cliff. Alarmed, he wanted to stop but he couldn't remember the command. Just when they were about to fall off, he remembered & exclaimed "LORD HAVE MERCY!!!". Instantly, the horse stopped just a few inches away from the edge.
Kid:" Oh my god...jeez. boy, that was sooo close. whew! thank god!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pyk79/a_village_kid_asks_his_parish_priest_if_he_could/
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What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

quatro cinco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pyjey/what_do_you_call_4_mexicans_in_quicksand/
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A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver

. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pyiyf/a_little_boy_gets_on_the_public_bus_and_sits/
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Job Application

Apparently this is an actual job application submitted by a 17 year old boy at a McDonald's establishment in Florida...
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pyi6f/job_application/
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Why do people who drink milk struggle to walk?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pyg7h/why_do_people_who_drink_milk_struggle_to_walk/
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What do you call a faucet that won't give water to gay people?

A sbigot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pyd9l/what_do_you_call_a_faucet_that_wont_give_water_to/
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The Evening News

The evening news is the only place where they say "Good Evening"  then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pyb0k/the_evening_news/
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A man is stopped for speeding on the highway

The driver, when confronted by the cop to be issued a ticket, suddenly confesses that he has heroin with him in the vehicle.
Shocked, the cop calls for backup, explaining that the man who he caught speeding admitted that he had drugs on him.
A narcotics team arrives and searches the vehicle to find nothing of interest. Confronting the driver, they ask for an explanation.
"The cop said I had heroin in my car?! Of course not!" exclaims the driver.
"I bet he told you I was speeding too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4py83q/a_man_is_stopped_for_speeding_on_the_highway/
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ad for a wife

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."  Next day he received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4py7vb/ad_for_a_wife/
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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4py6z4/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
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$800 owed

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.  Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."  After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.  The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.  When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.  "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4py62o/800_owed/
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Why does Britain like tea so much?

Because tea leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4py5u5/why_does_britain_like_tea_so_much/
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Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4py5ib/marriage_the_real_story/
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An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

He meets St. Peter at the pearly gates, and St. Peter checks the list. St. Peter doesn't find his name, so he says 'sorry, looks like you are supposed to go to the other place'.
So the engineer then goes down to Hell. Soon, he starts seeing things that could be improved. He builds a central air conditioning unit to help control the heat. He starts installing a central sewage system.
God notices, and quickly calls Satan. He calls and says 'there's been a mistake! The engineer is supposed to be up here with us!'
Satan replies: 'you know, we're pretty happy with what the changes he had been making, I think we'll keep him'
God gets mad and says 'you send him up here this minute or else I'll sue you!'
Satan laughs and says, 'yeah, you and what lawyers?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4py5c8/an_engineer_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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What do you call a black guy in outer space?

An astronaut you racist bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4py50s/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_in_outer_space/
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

One you pay $500 an hour to screw you.
The other one has sex for money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4py3rh/whats_the_difference_between_a_lawyer_and_a/
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My girlfriend complained about my obsession with spices.

So I said, "Bae, leave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4py3pz/my_girlfriend_complained_about_my_obsession_with/
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So I have a joke about pizza...

...but it's too cheesy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4py18l/so_i_have_a_joke_about_pizza/
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A Native American emerges with a new born...

A Native American chief emerges from a teepee with a new born in his hands, looks round at the crowd of awaiting people and announces, "this boy shall be known as "Sitting Bull"".
One young man approaches the chief and asks "Chief, why name the boy "Sitting Bull?"
"It is simple. When I emerge from the teepee with a new born, I name him after the first thing I see. Like when I named your father. I emerged from teepee and saw the majestic sun rise, and so I named him "Rising Sun". Then with your brother, I emerge and see the moon glowing in the sky, so I name him "Glowing Moon". And just now, I emerge and see bull resting in field, so I name him "Sitting Bull".
Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4py0sh/a_native_american_emerges_with_a_new_born/
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What did the Japanese man say as the Hiroshima sky was filled with the light of an atomic bomb, in a split second?

Wow this blew up fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxzvl/what_did_the_japanese_man_say_as_the_hiroshima/
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There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.
They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.
They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"
"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxwn7/there_were_three_pows_together_in_a_british/
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A man walks by an insane asylum...

An man walks by an insane asylum and hears the inmates gleefully shouting "21! 21! 21" As he gets closer he sees a hole in the brick wall which he approaches so he can peek in and see what's going on. The inmates poke a stick through the hole, poking him in the eye, and yell "22! 22! 22!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxwl9/a_man_walks_by_an_insane_asylum/
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I've spent all day trying to convince people on Reddit I'm French.

I give up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxwci/ive_spent_all_day_trying_to_convince_people_on/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxrhp/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
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Three friends decided to go hunting together.

One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was dead but only had one bullet hole. A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, he offered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer. He said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!" The friends were amazed that he could determine that so quickly and with so little examination. The game warden just smiled. "It was easy to figure out. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxrdz/three_friends_decided_to_go_hunting_together/
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A man goes for his first prostate exam

"I am sorry doctor, but where can I leave my pants?"
"Right there where I left mine" - the doctor says

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxl94/a_man_goes_for_his_first_prostate_exam/
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A man went to a meeting for premature ejaculators

but when he arrived there was no one there, he'd come too early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxkl6/a_man_went_to_a_meeting_for_premature_ejaculators/
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A plumber rings the doorbell

"Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy.
"Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late"
"That's fine, my sister must have called for you"
"Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?"
"Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxk2m/a_plumber_rings_the_doorbell/
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How do you organise a space party?

You planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxjfv/how_do_you_organise_a_space_party/
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What's black and sits at the top of stairs?

A paraplegic after a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxh39/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_stairs/
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What do you call a dog in a sub?

A subwoofer!
Now again:
What do you call a dog in a sub?
Chinese food!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxgrh/what_do_you_call_a_dog_in_a_sub/
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I bet i can tell you where you got your shoes.

You got'em on your feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxfr7/i_bet_i_can_tell_you_where_you_got_your_shoes/
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What's the difference between awkward and awful?

Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxf56/whats_the_difference_between_awkward_and_awful/
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Brexit

There is a new slimming product in town.
It is called Brexit. It'll help you lose a lot of pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxb9s/brexit/
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A blind man walks into a lesbian bar.

So a blind older gentleman stumbles into a all lesbian bar. They see he is older and blind so they let him stay and have a few drinks. The blind man ask's the bartender "You want to hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies " Well, I am a blonde, the woman on your right is a defence instructor and she is blonde, and the two woman behind you are marines and they are blonde. Do you still want to tell your joke?" The blind man responds "Well not if I have to explain it four times"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxaob/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_lesbian_bar/
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My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday

It was mighty kind of them,  but they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxaj2/my_lesbian_neighbors_gave_me_a_rolex_for_my/
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If you ever get cold...

Just stand in a corner. They're usually around 90 degrees!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4px8ih/if_you_ever_get_cold/
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A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4px6cc/a_couple_wants_to_have_sex_but_their_son_is_in/
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Where is Macau located?

In MaFarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4px65f/where_is_macau_located/
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Pigeons...

I've just seen a flock of pigeons in army unifoms.
I think it might be a military coo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4px649/pigeons/
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says

"How do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4px4pp/theres_two_fish_in_a_tank_and_one_says/
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How are babies different from feminists?

Babies grow up and stop crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4px4oj/how_are_babies_different_from_feminists/
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I have an irrational fear of elevators

I always feel like they are going to let me down someday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4px0km/i_have_an_irrational_fear_of_elevators/
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Two mexicans are in a car. Who drives?

The police officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4px0eb/two_mexicans_are_in_a_car_who_drives/
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I'm always suspicious of stairs.

They're usually up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4px02c/im_always_suspicious_of_stairs/
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3 women in a bar are comparing how loose they are...

One claimed they could fit a sausage, another claimed they can fit a cucumber and the other slid down the bar stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pwzm1/3_women_in_a_bar_are_comparing_how_loose_they_are/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number

. She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!". Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pwz42/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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What do you give a girl who already has everything?

Antibiotics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pwwdf/what_do_you_give_a_girl_who_already_has_everything/
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Psychic buys clothing

Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small
Employee: You didn't even try it on
Psychic: I'm a medium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pwr8w/psychic_buys_clothing/
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Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship?

Neither, they both eat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pwq62/who_makes_the_sandwiches_in_a_lesbian_relationship/
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[TIFU] I picked up somebody else's sandwich at Subway

Ooops, wrong sub!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pwo0d/tifu_i_picked_up_somebody_elses_sandwich_at_subway/
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A train driver accidentally kills a man when he drives off the tracks

Since he killed a person, the court sentences him to death by electrocution chair. For his last meal, he requests a single banana. The prison guard thought it was odd, but gave him the banana, and the man ate it. The next day, the man is strapped onto the electrocution chair and the executioner switches the electricity on. Nothing happened at all. This city has a law that allows a prisoner to walk free if the execution somehow doesn't work, so the train driver was acquitted.
A week later, the train driver miraculously got another job at the train station. However, he drove off the tracks again and killed two people. This man was then arrested immediately and sentenced to death again. For his last meal, the train driver requests two bananas which is fulfilled. The next day, the man is strapped onto the electrocution chair and the executioner turns on the electricity. Nothing happens. So, again, the man is allowed to walk free.
The next week, the train driver somehow managed to get another job at the train station. Again, he drove off the tracks and killed three people. Again, the man was arrested immediately and sentenced to death. This time, for his last meal, the train driver requests three bananas. The exasperated prison guard exclaims, "Stop! You don't get another banana!" and takes the train driver to his execution. The train driver once again is strapped onto the chair, and the executioner turns on the electricity. Once again, nothing happens.
The executioner and prison guards are dumbfounded. The train driver laughs and says, "See? The bananas have nothing to do with my execution— I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pwma5/a_train_driver_accidentally_kills_a_man_when_he/
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What do you call a group of senior Japanese comedians?

Comic Sans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pwjnt/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_senior_japanese/
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A cowboy's vocation

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pwep1/a_cowboys_vocation/
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What has four wheels, and flies?

A Garbage Truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pwchu/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
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A guy goes to the doctor with a sore leg....

The doctor runs the normal tests and takes some x-rays. Unable to find the problem he finally decides to listen to the leg with his stethoscope, at the knee he hears "hey give me $5" at the calf he hears "hey give me $10" at the ankle he hears "hey give me$15". He takes off the stethoscope, looks up the patient and says " I have some bad news, your leg is broke in three places"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pwb3j/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_with_a_sore_leg/
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Started a new religion

Doesn't matter, had sects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pw8ma/started_a_new_religion/
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What do you call a Penis inside a Potato?

A dictator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pw7wp/what_do_you_call_a_penis_inside_a_potato/
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British English will have only 3 vowels now A I O

They left E U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pvxyg/british_english_will_have_only_3_vowels_now_a_i_o/
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What do you do when two lesbians make out in front of you in a bus?

You get off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pvwv8/what_do_you_do_when_two_lesbians_make_out_in/
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The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.

..
She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pvsip/the_maid_asked_for_a_raise_and_the_wife_was_upset/
%
A man walks into a bar.........

So a man walks into a local bar. As he walks in he notices a room to the right. This room had four inch plexiglass walls and a faint locking system. In this room it was stacked chest high in 100 dollar bills. He contemplates what it could possibly be for. As he sits down at the bar he asks for a drink. When the bartender pours the drink the man says,         "Sir, if you don't mind me asking, what is that room for?"                                                                               "That room contains all the money of the people that failed my bet." The bartender replies.                  The man continued to drink while wondering what the bet could possibly be. He asked for another drink. This time when the Bartender gets there he asked what the bet was. The bartender simply stated the the bet was for only those brave enough to do the bet, not letting him know what it was. The man was two drinks in and was feeling pretty sure of himself and took the bet.                                       Thus, the bartender told him,"see that man over there in the corner. You have to punch and knock him out with one punch."                                                 "I think I can do that. Whiskey," said the man.                                  "But there's more!" Replied the bartender.                     "Okay, what else do I have to do? Whiskey!"              "I have a rabid Pittbull upstairs who needs his teeth pulled out by hand. Also, my 84 year old grand mother is in the room next to it. She has not had an orgasm in 50 years. You need to get her to squirt".   The man finished another drink, walked right up to nick the brick and knocked him out with one punch. He stumbled upstairs and slammed the door to the dogs room shut. From downstairs all you could hear was growling and whimpering from the dog and the grunting of the man. Then everything went silent. The man started to walk down the stairs again but instead tripped and fell. When he hit the floor, right before he passed out, he looked at the bartender and said,                                                    "Now where is that old lady who needed her teeth pulled?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pvpou/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a sexy Muslim

A ji-hottie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pvnqu/what_do_you_call_a_sexy_muslim/
%
What do you call a short Mexican?

A paragraph, because they're too short to be an es'e

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pvngq/what_do_you_call_a_short_mexican/
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A man visits the doctor because of his severe stuttering problem.

The doctor says, "It appears that your penis is four inches too long and is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing the stutter."
"D-d-d-oct-t-tor. Wh-ha-a-at c-c-can I d-d-do?"
The doctor tells him that he must remove the extra four inches to relieve the strain.
Six months after the operation, the patient returns for his check-up. "Doctor, the operation was a success. I no longer stutter, I have a great job and my self-esteem is fantastic. However, my wife says that she misses the great sex we used to have. I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those four inches."
The doctor hesitates for a minute and then says, "I d-d-d-on't th-th-think-k-k-k that wo-wo-wo-ould b-be p-p-pos-s-s-ib-b-ble."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pvi0i/a_man_visits_the_doctor_because_of_his_severe/
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what do you call an optimistic 0?

A cheery-o!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pvhyq/what_do_you_call_an_optimistic_0/
%
I can never talk to my Dad at breakfast because he still reads newspapers.

I guess you could say he's behind The Times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pvc4d/i_can_never_talk_to_my_dad_at_breakfast_because/
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A good joke for the engineers out there

Free time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pva2j/a_good_joke_for_the_engineers_out_there/
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Did you hear about the two men who were arrested for stealing a calendar?

They each got six months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pv6tp/did_you_hear_about_the_two_men_who_were_arrested/
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A man walks into a bar

Ouch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pv6mf/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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There is a spice shortage...

There is a shortage of spices all around the world. One entrepreneur saw the shortage coming and stocked up. His advisor was pushing to sell it soon so that people could have all of their favorite dishes. The entrepreneur looked at his advisor and said "what's the rush? We've got all the thyme in the world."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pv66y/there_is_a_spice_shortage/
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What do you call an army of toddlers?

Infantry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pv3bo/what_do_you_call_an_army_of_toddlers/
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What was Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

Waattaaah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4puzuo/what_was_bruce_lees_favorite_drink/
%
My grandpa told me this one...

So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same house?" And the husband says, "Well, I suppose, I mean, it's already paid for." The wife, getting a little protective, asks, "And what about my car? Will she drive my car?" The husband says again, "Well, it's already paid for..." The wife, annoyed at this point, shoots, "What about my golf clubs?!?" And the husband says, "Oh, no. She's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4puz5u/my_grandpa_told_me_this_one/
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Koale who smokes weed

Long time ago there was a Koala. Sitting on top of his tree where he's always chilling. But today it's different. He is bored as f*ck. So out of boredom he rolled a blunt,
After smoking for like 5 minutes, a lizzard shows up passing by the tree. "Wait, I know that smell. Hey! Watcha doing?" he said while looking up. "Smoking some weed because I"m bored man. U wanna join me mate?" "Sure!" said the lizzard as he climbed up and up untill he reached the Koala.
20 minutes has passed. The lizzard said, after he laughed at a joke koala told: "Damn I'm so thirsthy. Do u have any water?" "Sure" said the koala. "Just go down, Then go to your right there about the 10th tree on your left. There's a lake with plenty of water." "Thanks!" said the lizzard as he climbed down the tree and searched for the lake."
He's really enjoying the water as he drank. But then! The unexpected happend. He fell in the water! Unable to swim, he almost drowned. A big crocodile who saw what happend jumped in the water to save the little lizzard. "DUDE! U know u can't swim, what are u doing here in the water?" "I"m so sorry but i was smoking weed with my koala friend, and I got thursty so I went for a drink." "Weed?" asked the aligater. And where is this koala bear? "Oh he is over there. about 10 trees further then to your left."
The koala, smoking his last little bit of weed, looks down an sees the crocodile. "Goddamn, How much water did u drank?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4puyx5/koale_who_smokes_weed/
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Watch out for children on the road.

They're terrible drivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4puyn2/watch_out_for_children_on_the_road/
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This woman I met last night says she wants a guy who is "spontaneous and fun".

Yet when I tapped on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it is all panic and screaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4puth8/this_woman_i_met_last_night_says_she_wants_a_guy/
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Why do milking stools only have three legs?

'Cause the cow has the udder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pus1o/why_do_milking_stools_only_have_three_legs/
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Married 10 times, still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4puqyz/married_10_times_still_a_virgin/
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**Dirty** A Man Starts Dating A Somewhat "Butch" Woman

She's got a great personality and they hit it off, but he begins to hear rumors about town that she's actually a man.  She's a bit shy, and they have yet to be intimate, so he's not 100% sure of her gender and it begins to bother him a bit.
One night, he takes her on a date to a drive-in movie theater.  As they watch the movie, she begins to squirm in her seat and says "I've really got to go to the bathroom".  Thinking quickly, he says "I saw a sign that says the bathrooms are out of order, so you'll have to go in the bushes."  She replies "I don't care, I have to go" and hops out of the car and disappears into the bushes.
He waits a few seconds, then quietly slips out of the car and creeps towards her, hoping to get a glimpse of whatever equipment she (he?) is packing.  Sure enough, he sees her crouching slightly behind a bush, and spots something long and thin dangling between her legs.
"Ah ha!" he yells and reflexively grasps the dangling object.  She screams and says, "You didn't tell me you're a peeping tom!"  He replies queasily, looking at his hand in disgust, "You didn't tell me you had to take a shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4puqkn/dirty_a_man_starts_dating_a_somewhat_butch_woman/
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A Texan, Donald Trump, and a New Mexican are walking along when they stumble upon a gold lamp...

They all immediately grab for it, and each get a hand on it.
As they each struggle to take it from the other two, a genie pops out. The genie says, "You have woken me from my slumber, and I shall give you three wishes. Since you each have a hand on the lamp, you will get one wish a piece."
The Donald Trump goes first. He says, "I want all the Mexicans permanently out of the United States and back in Mexico."
"So it shall be," replies the genie, and suddenly every single Mexican is gone from the US and back in Mexico.
The Texan then shouts, "I'm next. You're telling me that all the Mexicans are gone from the US?" "Yes," replies the genie. The Texan replies, "OK,I want a 500 foot tall wall around the entire state of Texas so nothing can get in or out."
"So it shall be," replies the genie. Suddenly, a wall begins rising from the ground around the borders of Texas, and the Texan yells out with happiness.
Lastly, it was the New Mexican's turn. He thinks for a moment, and then asks the genie, "you're saying there is now a 500 foot wall all around Texas and nothing can get in or out?" "Yes," replies the genie, "what is your wish?"
The New Mexican then says to the genie with a huge smile, "fill it with water."
.
.
I was in the "Texit" thread when I remembered this joke. I updated the characters to fit 2016. :)
Edit to fix typo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4puodn/a_texan_donald_trump_and_a_new_mexican_are/
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I like my girlfriends like I like my scotch

Twelve years old and mixed up with coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pujtd/i_like_my_girlfriends_like_i_like_my_scotch/
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I plagiarized a book about native Americans...

I eventually got siouxed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pujmq/i_plagiarized_a_book_about_native_americans/
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Whats the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pujdi/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
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British English

Now British English will have only 3 vowels
**A I O ... **
as it has left E U .... :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4puiwc/british_english/
%
Scientists have discovered that mothers are the driving force behind their children.

Because Force = ma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4puiwb/scientists_have_discovered_that_mothers_are_the/
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An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4puf59/an_85yearold_man_had_to_take_a_sperm_count_for/
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I'm naming my new exercise regime 'Brexit'.

It's the quickest way to lose pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pudnd/im_naming_my_new_exercise_regime_brexit/
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A hamburger walks into a bar

Bartender says "hey! We don't serve food here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pudis/a_hamburger_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pudcb/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_won_the_lottery_would/
%
A man goes into a pharmacy

and buys a pack of condoms. As soon as he pays, he immediately starts laughing like a maniac and runs out of the pharmacy. The next day, the same man comes in, buys condoms, and runs out laughing. On the third day, when the man did it again, the pharmacist, a curious type by nature has his assistant follow the man. When the assistant comes back some time later, the pharmacists asks, "so did you follow him?"
"Yes" says the assistant
"And where did he go?"
"Home. Yours"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pucg1/a_man_goes_into_a_pharmacy/
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Hillary Clinton



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pu8ij/hillary_clinton/
%
What do you call someone who photographs fish?

A school shooter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pu65y/what_do_you_call_someone_who_photographs_fish/
%
What Do You See When Pillsbury Doughboy Bends Over?

Donuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pu37a/what_do_you_see_when_pillsbury_doughboy_bends_over/
%
I told my gay friend I could turn fruits into vegetables...

He said "prove it."
So I pushed him off the balcony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pu03a/i_told_my_gay_friend_i_could_turn_fruits_into/
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So the president of Nigeria goes to Russia..

When he arrives, he meets up with the president of Russia for a tour of the nation. "I figured we could play a game that is *wildly* popular here, friend. It is called Russian roulette!"
The Nigerian president was curious, and asked how to play.
"Simple!" said the Russian as he pulled out a revolver.
"you put *one bullet* into this gun, point it to your head, squeeze the trigger, and hope for the best."
The Nigerian was no coward. He pulled the gun to his head after the Russian's succsesful attempt, and *click*
He was safe.
Weeks later, the Russian president paid a visit to his good friend in Nigeria.
He asked the Nigerian what their activities of the day would consist of.
"My friend, today we play Nigerian roulette!"
The Nigerian clapped his hands and 6 beautiful women approached in front of the two men.
"Now here is how you play. Pick a woman, and she will give you the greatest blowjob you have *ever* had!"
The Russian was confused, and asked what the catch was.
The Nigerian laughed.
"You see my friend, one of these women happens to be a cannibal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pty64/so_the_president_of_nigeria_goes_to_russia/
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The doctor and the patient

The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ptxl3/the_doctor_and_the_patient/
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Teacher and Student

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ptvq5/teacher_and_student/
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I was going to tell a joke about Donald Trump's presidential campaign..

but then I realized it was racist,  too long, and didn't make any sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ptust/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_donald_trumps/
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At school we were always taught the pull-out method doesn't work...

...but like many teenagers, it hasn't stopped the UK trying anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ptunk/at_school_we_were_always_taught_the_pullout/
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I'm surprised that the UK left the EU by voting.

Most of the time they leave on penalty kicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ptu95/im_surprised_that_the_uk_left_the_eu_by_voting/
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What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ptsy5/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_adolf/
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[NSFW] "What was your first time like?"

Three friends are chilling in a bar, drinking and talking. One of them asks "What was your first time like?"
The first guy says "My first time was like riding a roller coaster. It started slow, then got really intense and fun, but it ended too quickly."
The second guy says "My first time was like watching a football game. I was having a blast, but she was so bored she was on her phone the entire time."
They both turn to look at the last guy, who sits quietly, thinking, until he finally speaks. "My first time was like learning to ride a bicycle, with my dad holding my shoulders."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ptotc/nsfw_what_was_your_first_time_like/
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A man heard that over 90% of car accidents happen within 15 km of home.

So he moved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ptl0p/a_man_heard_that_over_90_of_car_accidents_happen/
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What does the Brazilian Pikachu say?

Zika zika.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ptij5/what_does_the_brazilian_pikachu_say/
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Jimmy Hendrix, Eric Clapton, and Mick Jagger are walking along the beach in Morocco...

Jimmy trips over something in the sand and looks down to see a golden lamp. He picks it up and *POOF* out pops a genie. The genie looks at the men and says "I will grant you each one wish for freeing me from the lamp!"
Hendrix goes first. "I wish for a diamond the size of my head!" He exclaims. The genie nods his head and *POOF* a huge diamond appears in Hendrix's hands.
Clapton gets excited and says, "I wish for a massive yacht filled with beautiful women!" The genie nods his head and *POOF* a yacht bigger than any they've ever seen pulls up to the Moroccan beach.
The genie turns to Mick Jagger, who thinks for a minute, and finally says, "I'm pretty hungry, I could go for a roll." The genie nods his head and *POOF* a street vendor pushes his cart up the beach and hands Mick a delicious looking roll from his cart.
The genie vanishes and Hendix and Clapton give Jagger an incredulous look. "You could have wished for anything in the world and that's what you wished for?!"
Jagger gives them a defensive look and says "I know it's only a Moroccan roll, but I like it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ptiew/jimmy_hendrix_eric_clapton_and_mick_jagger_are/
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What do you call a cannibal that eats relatives?

Munchkin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pthx6/what_do_you_call_a_cannibal_that_eats_relatives/
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An elderly couple are enjoying their 75th anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ptgcq/an_elderly_couple_are_enjoying_their_75th/
%
My mailman got gender reassignment surgery.

Now he's a post man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ptdd7/my_mailman_got_gender_reassignment_surgery/
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A woman goes into labour and her husband takes her to the hospital.

As she is laying in the hospital bed, the nurse tells her of a new type of technology that allows a percentage of her pain to be passed to the father of the child. They both agree, so start on 10% to be transferred.
However, the husband says he can feel nothing, and is willing for it to be turned up, so it goes up to 20%.
Again, he says the pain is bearable and more or less non-existent, so it goes up to 50%.
Eventually, the pain transfer gets turned up to 100%, and the husband is coping very well, allowing his wife to have a pain free child birth. "This is so easy!" he says.
Eventually, a healthy, adorable baby is born, and they get to take it home. They drive the whole way back smiling. They pull into their driveway and go to the front door, only to find the postman, dead on the doorstep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ptbnd/a_woman_goes_into_labour_and_her_husband_takes/
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Why was the tree in prison

because it committed treeson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pta7e/why_was_the_tree_in_prison/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.

They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pt9ks/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_went_to/
%
2 whales

walk into a bar.
First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaa eeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo
Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pt8bf/2_whales/
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Lance Armstrong

I  think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pt82l/lance_armstrong/
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How many Brits does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

None. They just move out of the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pt7w3/how_many_brits_does_it_take_to_change_a_broken/
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Why do rogues wear leather armoe?

Because it's made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pt68u/why_do_rogues_wear_leather_armoe/
%
Why could the drunk man only move left?

The officer hadn't read him his rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pt25b/why_could_the_drunk_man_only_move_left/
%
The UK is leaving the EU and because of that, Scotland is moving for another Independence Referendum...

So the english are going to get away scot free!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pt138/the_uk_is_leaving_the_eu_and_because_of_that/
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Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.
She asks, "What can I do to help America?"
Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"
*Hillary laughs in his face*
On her second day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
She asks, "What can I do to help America?"
Jefferson replies "Remember that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed, and that the individual is to have sovereignty over himself."
*Hillary laughs in his face*
On her third day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
She asks, "What can I do to help America?"
Lincoln replies "Go to the theater."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pt0ei/hillary_clinton_is_elected_president/
%
A man was going hunting with his friend.

While frantically tracking a wounded deer the men got separated.  In their haste to put the wounded animal out of its misery the man accidentally shot his friend in the chest, and his friend dropped with a thud.
Thankfully, he still had service in the woods and frantically dialed 911.
"This is 911, what's your emergency?"
"I can't believe what happened!  I just shot my friend by accident while we were hunting, I think he's dead!"
"Ok sir please calm down. First make sure he's dead."
The 911 operator waited for a moment and then a loud BANG was heard through the line.
"Okay, I'm sure he's dead.  Now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pt019/a_man_was_going_hunting_with_his_friend/
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Hey there's this new diet that can help lose pounds fast!

Its called the Brexit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4psyro/hey_theres_this_new_diet_that_can_help_lose/
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I lost my watch at a party...

Saw a guy stepping on it while bullying a smaller dude. I walked up to the guy, and punched him. It's not okay to bully... not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pswxg/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party/
%
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
And Congratulations you have learnt German within minutes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4psw41/the_european_commission_has_just_announced_an/
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Eating pistachios is like picking up girls

You always go for the easiest ones to crack first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pstge/eating_pistachios_is_like_picking_up_girls/
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Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States...

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.
So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4psqcn/two_immigrants_from_africa_arrive_in_the_united/
%
I hope England beats Iceland...

Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pso1e/i_hope_england_beats_iceland/
%
There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell...

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4psnnp/theres_that_moment_when_you_put_your_steak_on_the/
%
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.
That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4psjv7/a_buddhist_monk_goes_to_a_barber_to_have_his_head/
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I tried making jokes about fat people

... but none of them worked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4psi3f/i_tried_making_jokes_about_fat_people/
%
What do you call a six sided shape that's missing?

A hex-a-gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4psh30/what_do_you_call_a_six_sided_shape_thats_missing/
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Disabled toilets...

Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pseqy/disabled_toilets/
%
Two cows walk in to a bar...

Then one of the cows says: "*Mooooo*", then the other replies,
"*Fuck, I was supposed to say that*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4psb5o/two_cows_walk_in_to_a_bar/
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Did you hear about the incestuous hotdogs?

They say they're in bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4psarj/did_you_hear_about_the_incestuous_hotdogs/
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Last time I got some ass

My finger went through the toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ps4ey/last_time_i_got_some_ass/
%
Zoo...

I went to the zoo and saw a loaf in a cage.
A sign read: "Bread in captivity."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ps3x0/zoo/
%
Great Britains new Prime Minister

Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ps3bu/great_britains_new_prime_minister/
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Bob told his wife, "I can't work for him anymore after what he said to me".

Wife: What did he say?
Bob: You're fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ps2dd/bob_told_his_wife_i_cant_work_for_him_anymore/
%
Tom Swift's best moments.

"German sausage jokes are the wurst," Tom said frankly.
"I got cut in half," Tom said intuitively.
"I will never read Shakespeare," Tom said unwillingly.
"I lost my legs right under the ankles," Tom said defeatedly.
"Who turned out the lights?" Tom asked dimly.
"I don't know the words to this song," Tom said humbly.
"I lost my wrists," Tom said offhandedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ps1ju/tom_swifts_best_moments/
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Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me.

I only suffered super fish oil injuries, but I'm lucky I wasn't krilled!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4prz9m/someone_just_threw_a_bottle_of_omega_3_tablets_at/
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I like putin

The rest of the joke down here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pryni/i_like_putin/
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what's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4prv0j/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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Britain can now say....

...Its pull out game is strong!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pruk6/britain_can_now_say/
%
I've recently started eating steel

It's a refined taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4prqzv/ive_recently_started_eating_steel/
%
It’s easier to take Wales out of the EU...

...than it is to take a Welshman out of the ewe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4prn8n/its_easier_to_take_wales_out_of_the_eu/
%
A woman walks into a vet with her duck

It's being dragged behind her, evidently dead. She opens the door to an examining room and says "I think my duck might be dead, doctor!" The doctor says "well ma'am, let me take a look". So the doctor takes the duck and gently places it on the examining table. After a few quick checks, he says "I'm sorry ma'am, your duck is dead".
"That's impossible!" She proclaims. "I want a second opinion!" So the doctor brings in a dog to confirm the finding. The dog sniffs the duck for a short while, then leaves the room. The doctor says "I'm sorry ma'am, the dog concurs". She is visibly upset now. She fights back tears and says "are you absolutely sure, doctor?" The doctor says "well, we can check once more".
So the doctor brings in a cat. The cat places its paws on the duck, pushes it a little, then walks out of the room, confirming that the duck is indeed dead. The woman, still clinging on to hope, says "oh my, are you absolutely *certain*, doctor?" The doctor replies "yes ma'am, it was confirmed by myself, the lab results, and the cat scan".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4prmkp/a_woman_walks_into_a_vet_with_her_duck/
%
I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4prl0j/i_was_in_the_supermarket_today_and_the_cashier/
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I lost my mood ring

I really just don't know how to feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pri8w/i_lost_my_mood_ring/
%
I told my black coworker that I like to go to sleep listening to white noise. He said "Why does it gotta be white noise with you people?"

I said because I can't go to sleep listening to rap music and gunshots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4prbor/i_told_my_black_coworker_that_i_like_to_go_to/
%
The rotation of the earth

Really makes my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4prbg8/the_rotation_of_the_earth/
%
I was going to use the new machine in the gym

But I found out it only sold protein bars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pram4/i_was_going_to_use_the_new_machine_in_the_gym/
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Boss hangs a poster in office

‘I am the boss, dont forget’
He returns from lunch,
finds a slip on his desk,
‘ur wife called, she wants her poster back home..!!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pr8d7/boss_hangs_a_poster_in_office/
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For several years, a man was having an affair

with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She tearfully agreed, but asked how to let him know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange postcard today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said.
The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
"Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pr79w/for_several_years_a_man_was_having_an_affair/
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A simple way to lose pounds in under 24 hours

Cut off your legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pr6ki/a_simple_way_to_lose_pounds_in_under_24_hours/
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Two nuns are driving through the countryside, when a vampire jumps onto the roof of their car.

The nun driving says to the passenger, "Roll down the window and show him your cross!"
The other nun rolls down the window, leans out and shouts "GET THE FUCK OFF OUR CAR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pr62j/two_nuns_are_driving_through_the_countryside_when/
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I had my wife on all fours last night...

As she was telling me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pr2kq/i_had_my_wife_on_all_fours_last_night/
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A Polish man calls 911

And says, "Help! My wife is trying to kill me!"
The operator asks, "How can you be sure?"
The Pole says, "I was looking through her medicine cabinet, and I found Polish Remover!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pr29q/a_polish_man_calls_911/
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I just ate a frozen apple!

Hardcore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pr0yo/i_just_ate_a_frozen_apple/
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Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote?

They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pr00c/why_is_india_surprised_by_the_brexit_vote/
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M&Ms

Sometimes whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two M&Ms in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one M&M cracks, I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn't crack becomes the champion. Then I grab another M&M and force it to compete with the champion in this deadly game of M&M gladiators. I do this until I run out of M&Ms and when there is only one M&M left standing, I send a letter to M&Ms brand with the champion M&M in it with a note attached that reads: "please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pqx65/mms/
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A man is walking through the woods when he comes across a suitcase.

Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pqvb9/a_man_is_walking_through_the_woods_when_he_comes/
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Is the EU working out?

It lost a few pounds this summer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pquse/is_the_eu_working_out/
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What's the worst thing you can do when posting a joke?

Accidentally hit submit before you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pqur1/whats_the_worst_thing_you_can_do_when_posting_a/
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Did you hear about the train that delivers games

It's really picking up steam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pqu7o/did_you_hear_about_the_train_that_delivers_games/
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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pqu2j/the_united_states_and_britain_are_having_a/
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I have sexdaily

I mean dyslexia fcuk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pqnlf/i_have_sexdaily/
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What font was used on Wyatt Earp's tombstone?

Sans Sheriff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pqlzk/what_font_was_used_on_wyatt_earps_tombstone/
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If Donald Trump becomes president, and Boris Johnson becomes UK's PM...

It'll be like toupees in a pod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pqkpv/if_donald_trump_becomes_president_and_boris/
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In the old days, folks used to say "tisk, tisk" to shame others

Now social media connects us to millions, and allows us to multi-tisk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pqjdx/in_the_old_days_folks_used_to_say_tisk_tisk_to/
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Where do you find a man with an aquatic mammal fetish?

In Wales.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pqhhb/where_do_you_find_a_man_with_an_aquatic_mammal/
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A Chinese family moved into my neighborhood when I was in high school...

They had a pair of twins, named Ving and Ling, who were my age. I liked Ving, but his sister Ling was kind of a bitch. Eventually, Ling told me that he hated his name, and he wanted to change it. I asked him, "What do you want to change your name to?" and he said "Lee. You know, like Bruce Lee?" Ling overheard, and chimed in, saying that their father would disown him if he changed his name.
One day, Ving decided he had had enough. He went to town hall, with me in tow. His sister caught wind and decided to come along  to talk him out of it.
So we got the name change document, and Ving filled it out and almost turned it in, when he suddenly got choked up and realized that he couldn't go through with the name change. He told the receptionist that he wanted to cancel, and she told him that he could cancel the name change, but he'd need to pay a one-time fee of $20. Ving didn't have any money on him, but his sister did. She was about to hand him $20 when suddenly, a short, elderly Chinese man in an American flag T-shirt, ray-bans and cargo shorts entered the building. Ving stared at him in awe.
"D..Dad?" he stammered, tearfully.
With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.
I'll never forget what his father said that day:
> "Don't stop, be Lee, Ving.
> Hold on the that fee, Ling"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pqgka/a_chinese_family_moved_into_my_neighborhood_when/
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How do you tell if a man is gay?

When you're fucking him in the ass, reach around; if he has a boner... He's gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pqfgy/how_do_you_tell_if_a_man_is_gay/
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A Tale of Two Photos

A solider out at war, missing his mother and his girlfriend, decided to take a couple of pictures of himself to send to them. For his mother, he dressed up real nice and took a picture of himself from the torso up. For his girlfriend, he decided to take a picture of his nether regions. The solider then took the photos to the post office to be sent out. Unfortunately the photos got switched while sending, and so the girlfriend and the mother received the opposite photos.
When the girlfriend received the photo of her sharply-dressed man, she responded with "Oh my, he looks so handsome!"
The mother, on the other hand, was old and fairly blind. Upon receiving the picture of her son, she became slightly upset. Taking a good look at the photo, she responded with "Oh, my poor soon! It looks like he hasn't shaved in months! And his tie looks a bit crooked too..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pqe88/a_tale_of_two_photos/
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A man comes home and tells his wife "Honey, we're going hunting!"

She says "No, I hate hunting!"
He says "either we're going hunting, or I'm fucking you in the ass AND you're giving me a blowjob"
The wife replies "Alright listen, I'm not going hunting, and I'm not gonna let you fuck me in the ass, but I'll give you a blowjob" He begrudgingly agrees. When she unzips his pants a horrible smell comes out. She takes one whiff and backs away, asking "Honey your dick... it smells so bad, I can't go down on you... what is that?"
He angrily zips up his pants and replies "Yeah well the dogs didn't wanna go hunting either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pq9a7/a_man_comes_home_and_tells_his_wife_honey_were/
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I ate four bowls of Alphabet Soup...

Then I had a massive vowel movement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pq91b/i_ate_four_bowls_of_alphabet_soup/
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My girl says I'm like a volcano in bed...

Dormant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pq89a/my_girl_says_im_like_a_volcano_in_bed/
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Why are pills white?

Because they work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pq7z7/why_are_pills_white/
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Did you know a cat can jump higher than a house?

This is due to the fact that cats have very powerful hind legs and that houses can't jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pq7ph/did_you_know_a_cat_can_jump_higher_than_a_house/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a spear...

A spear has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pq0jf/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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Two of my favourite moments in my life were when I won my first fight and lost my virginity

I hit him so hard he slept through the whole thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pq0e9/two_of_my_favourite_moments_in_my_life_were_when/
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Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ppwts/two_men_from_texas_were_sitting_at_a_bar/
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What did GB say to EU?

Peace out, EUROn EUROwn!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ppsg6/what_did_gb_say_to_eu/
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One Night, as a couple lay down to bed,

the husband gently starts rubbing his wife on the arm. The wife turned over and said "Sorry honey, I have an OBGYN appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Dejected and rejected, the hubby tries to sleep. After a while he turns over to his wife and says "Do you have a dentist's appointment too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ppsez/one_night_as_a_couple_lay_down_to_bed/
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TIFU by eating my coworkers sandwich

Oops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pps4a/tifu_by_eating_my_coworkers_sandwich/
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Insomnia is very common.

Try not to lose any sleep over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ppr8n/insomnia_is_very_common/
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What's the difference between a Pound and a Dollar?

A dollar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ppqia/whats_the_difference_between_a_pound_and_a_dollar/
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Before it starts...

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it started!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pppjw/before_it_starts/
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A man is walking down the beach

He see's a sign that says, "$50 blow job, while singing".
He scratches his head and decides, what the heck. So he goes in, there is this pretty attractive woman, so he puts down his $50. She starts giving him an amazing blow job and right in the middle, she pipes up with this incredible singing voice.
The man leaves and goes home. Later that night, he just can't figure out what's happening. So he goes back the next day and puts his $50 down. She turns off the lights, another amazing blow job and half way thru, the singing begins. It's definitely not a recording. It's her voice for sure
He leaves but can't shake the confusion. So he deduces a plan. The next day he returns and puts down his $50. She turns off the lights, once again, gives an amazing blow job and in the middle, she starts singing.
Then he reaches over, turns on the lights and there is a glass eye ball on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ppp8l/a_man_is_walking_down_the_beach/
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To all those people that have ever talked about me behind my back...

You discussed me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ppm91/to_all_those_people_that_have_ever_talked_about/
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George went on a vacation to the Middle East...

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law.  During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.  With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.  The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George,
"My friend, the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive.  It could cost as much as $5,000 dollars."  The Consul continued, "In most of these cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here.  This would only cost $150 dollars".
George thinks for some time, and answers the Consul,
"I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back.  That's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price between $5,000 and $150 dollars."
"No, it's not that," says George.  "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem, and on the third day he was resurrected.  Consequently, I do not want to take that chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pplsn/george_went_on_a_vacation_to_the_middle_east/
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Joke

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"
Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ppgc1/joke/
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I just asked my dad what his favourite part about being a teacher is...

He responded with June, July, and August

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ppfdn/i_just_asked_my_dad_what_his_favourite_part_about/
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What does a Mexican duck say?

Guac guac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ppetd/what_does_a_mexican_duck_say/
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What's that diving? Is it a bird, Is it a plane...

No it's the British Pound...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ppccv/whats_that_diving_is_it_a_bird_is_it_a_plane/
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My wife woke me up all excited this morning...

She said honey look at all the pounds I've lost.  I told her that she was looking at our retirement account not her fitbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ppasj/my_wife_woke_me_up_all_excited_this_morning/
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A cop stopped a man smoking cannabis while driving

The officer asked "how high are you?"
The man replied "no officer, its hi how are you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pp6qb/a_cop_stopped_a_man_smoking_cannabis_while_driving/
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The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial

The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pp5s8/the_creator_of_winrar_was_arrested_and_put_on/
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Two Jews are walking down the street...

Moishe and Ibraham are walking down the street and they come across a church sign that says, "Convert to Christianity! Receive $1000!". Ibraham turns to Moishe a says, "Well, I might as well go see what this is all about."
Moishe sits down on a bench and waits. He's waiting for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour goes by then Ibraham finally comes out.
Moishe says, "So... how'd it go?"
Ibraham replies, "I've accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I believe that he died on the cross for our sins, on the third day he rose from the dead and he is now seated at the right hand of the Father."
Moisha says, "What about the $1000?"
Ibraham says, "What is with you people and money?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pp4tg/two_jews_are_walking_down_the_street/
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How do you make a shortcut?

With small scissors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pp0lu/how_do_you_make_a_shortcut/
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A man sits quietly at a bar, having a beer...

... When the doors to the bar fly open and an old, dirty, scraggly bearded man walks in. He looks around the bar until he spots the man at the bar, quietly drinking a beer.
"You!" The old man points at the man at the bar, "I fucked your mother!"
The whole bar takes notice, and looks at the young man, who is still sitting at the bar quietly enjoying a beer.
The old man takes two steps closer, points out the man at the bar again "YOOOOOU! Your mom sucked my cock!"
Now, everyone in the bar is getting excited to possibly see a fight. They look at the man at the bar, and he is still quietly enjoying his beer.
The old man moves even closer, pushes the younger man in the back and says "YOOOOOOOOOU!!"
The man at the bar interrupts him, "Dad, you're drunk. Go home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pozl4/a_man_sits_quietly_at_a_bar_having_a_beer/
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If i had a pound for every 'Brexit' joke on here...

I'd still only have about 5 cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4poyd8/if_i_had_a_pound_for_every_brexit_joke_on_here/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the restroom?

Because they're extinct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4powxb/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_using_the_restroom/
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I just found out diarrhea is genetic...

It runs in your genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pos1f/i_just_found_out_diarrhea_is_genetic/
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An Airplane Carrying Pepsi Crashes...

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief said, "You betcha!"
When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."
The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."
After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"
The chief says, "No."
"No?" asked the rescuer.
"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pornb/an_airplane_carrying_pepsi_crashes/
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I'm training for a marathon with my friend. Every day when we hit the trails he tells me the same thing, and it always makes me laugh.

It's a running joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4poo2m/im_training_for_a_marathon_with_my_friend_every/
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What word that starts with an "N" and ends with an "R" would you never want to call a black person

Neighbor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4polw3/what_word_that_starts_with_an_n_and_ends_with_an/
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- Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds?

- 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4polqk/dad_can_i_borrow_10_pounds/
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One could say that Brexit has been ...

... quite secessful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pol4t/one_could_say_that_brexit_has_been/
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Where do german parents send their ADD kids?

Concentration Camps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pohmk/where_do_german_parents_send_their_add_kids/
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A Priest and a NY Cab Driver died together and went to heaven

. They get to the pearly gates and an angel greets them. First the angel takes them to the NY cab drivers house in heaven. It's amazing it has marble floors a butler and maid and a swimming pool it's awesome, the Cab drivers thanks the angel and they move on to the priest's residence. Needless to say it's a log cabin with no water or electricity. The priest is amazed at the simple house compared to the NY cab driver and he bursts out at the angle and says how could this be I spent my entire life dedicated to g-d. The angel responds it's simple. Every sunday you would go up and give a sermon and everyone fell asleep, but when this NY cab driver drove everyone prayed!!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pogj7/a_priest_and_a_ny_cab_driver_died_together_and/
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What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent Van Gogh?

You gonna eat that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pogiy/what_did_mike_tyson_say_to_vincent_van_gogh/
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How do we know that Adam wasn't a black man?

Have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man!!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pogdb/how_do_we_know_that_adam_wasnt_a_black_man/
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A man has a conversation with God

Man: How much is a minute to you?
God: A thousand years
Man: Wow really? Ok then how much is 10 million dollars to you?
God: A penny
Man: Wow that's amazing, is it ok if I can have one of your pennies?
God: Sure thing, just give me a minute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pof05/a_man_has_a_conversation_with_god/
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What's Mr. T's favorite holiday?

April, Fools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4poeb2/whats_mr_ts_favorite_holiday/
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Which American state is not great, but not bad either?

OK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4podw3/which_american_state_is_not_great_but_not_bad/
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A man comes home to his wife

"honey," he says, "pack your bags. I just won the lottery!"
"That's amazing! What should I pack?"
"I don't care. Just pack your bags and get the fuck out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4podsl/a_man_comes_home_to_his_wife/
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I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But, I can stop whenever I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4podet/im_addicted_to_drinking_brake_fluid/
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A study of married women showed that 90% of married men still masturbate

The other 10% have dumb wives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pobv3/a_study_of_married_women_showed_that_90_of/
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Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4po8yl/britain_should_have_written_a_break_up_note/
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I stopped a kidnapping today..

I woke him up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4po7yd/i_stopped_a_kidnapping_today/
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What separates man from animals?

According to Donald Trump, the wall he is going to build.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4po74f/what_separates_man_from_animals/
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Claustrophobic people are interesting

Because they always try to think outside of the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4po68s/claustrophobic_people_are_interesting/
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An old arab in the USA want's to plant potatoes,...

... but being the old age that he is, he cannot. He is sad, so he writes  an e-mail to his son, whose studying in London.
"Hello, Ahmad, I'm sad. I'd want to plant potatoes, but I'm old and weak"
The son replies soon:
"DAD, DO NOT DIG IN THE GARDEN!! YOU'LL FIND THE THING!!!"
A week passes, and FBI agents arrive at his house. They dig through every centimetre in the garden, but they found nothing. They leave. The old arab wants to write his son about what happened,when he finds an e-mail from him.
"Hello father, your garden is probably prepared for potatoes. That's all I can do from here. Bye, Ahmad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4po2td/an_old_arab_in_the_usa_wants_to_plant_potatoes/
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What do star wars and the U.K. have in common?

They both abandoned the EU

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4po1g2/what_do_star_wars_and_the_uk_have_in_common/
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What's Bill Gates's favorite dessert

apple turnover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pnyn8/whats_bill_gatess_favorite_dessert/
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Now I understand why the British population was on a steady decline these past few years...

Brits are really good at pulling out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pnybf/now_i_understand_why_the_british_population_was/
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A Blonde & Her Thermos

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.
Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"
She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pnuo2/a_blonde_her_thermos/
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How did the bucket's mom know he was sick?

He was a little pail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pnppa/how_did_the_buckets_mom_know_he_was_sick/
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How much space is left in EU?

1 GB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pnjyf/how_much_space_is_left_in_eu/
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The IRA have been fighting for Irish reunification since the 70s. . .

All they needed to do was vote for the Conservatives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pnj1s/the_ira_have_been_fighting_for_irish/
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What's a word that starts with "u" and ends with "w"?

Cloning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4png36/whats_a_word_that_starts_with_u_and_ends_with_w/
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To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada!

Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pnfs3/to_the_remain_crowd_in_britain_come_to_canada/
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit...

... and he asked his father, who was a minister, if they could start driving dad's car.
His father replied, "We'll make a deal. You bring your grades up, study the Bible and get your hair cut.  Then we'll talk about it."
After a month the boy came back and again asked his dad if he could use the car.
The father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible very well. But you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah and even Jesus had long hair..."
To which his father replied, "Yeah, and all of them walked everywhere, on foot! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pncol/a_young_boy_had_just_gotten_his_driving_permit/
%
What happens when a British guy makes a promise?

He Brexit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pncgw/what_happens_when_a_british_guy_makes_a_promise/
%
I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.
It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pnceu/im_laying_in_bed_reading_a_book_when_my_dad_walks/
%
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian.  The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd.  I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."  So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians.  The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd.  I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there.  The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray.  They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pnbc6/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_to_israel_to_live/
%
Why do Asian women have small tits?

Because only A's are acceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pna5g/why_do_asian_women_have_small_tits/
%
With the brexit news, they say the pound is failing.

They're calling it the ounce, now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pn6qw/with_the_brexit_news_they_say_the_pound_is_failing/
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Why shouldn't you have a conversation under a tree in the fall?

There may be leavesdropping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pn2vr/why_shouldnt_you_have_a_conversation_under_a_tree/
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What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're deep in shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pn2lp/what_do_the_mafia_and_a_pussy_have_in_common/
%
I wish my girlfriend went down as much...

as the pound did last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pn0ry/i_wish_my_girlfriend_went_down_as_much/
%
What is big black and long.

The lines at KFC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pmzle/what_is_big_black_and_long/
%
I feel quite light today.

Pounds aren't what they used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pmz17/i_feel_quite_light_today/
%
Rumour...

I heard a rumour that a man in town is selling a fake bedside-clock.
It's a false alarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pmylp/rumour/
%
Asked my co-worker if saw the big news report...

He said which one, The Mac 'n Cheetos announcement or the UK doing something?
True story, from 3 min ago... 'Murica

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pmyf1/asked_my_coworker_if_saw_the_big_news_report/
%
What's fast and can breathe underwater?

Not a toddler, I can tell you that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pmxgx/whats_fast_and_can_breathe_underwater/
%
I don't know how Valve managed to do it, but...

they even included the British Pound in their summer sale this year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pmw17/i_dont_know_how_valve_managed_to_do_it_but/
%
My favorite rapper is 50 cent

Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pms54/my_favorite_rapper_is_50_cent/
%
Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.

and my Irish coffee is drunk.  Again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pmq6t/brexit_fallout_my_french_toast_has_just/
%
I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pmmou/i_regret_joining_the_gym_recently/
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BREAKING: Europe awaiting a new wave of economical refugees!

But atleast their English is bloody excellent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pmmg7/breaking_europe_awaiting_a_new_wave_of_economical/
%
Breast Feeding

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pml6f/breast_feeding/
%
What is the capital of Greece?

More than the capital of the UK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pmjbr/what_is_the_capital_of_greece/
%
A family dinner...

A family is at the dinner table, when the son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pmj0b/a_family_dinner/
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What do you call a Mexican that had his car stolen?

Carloss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pmhw7/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_that_had_his_car_stolen/
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[NSFW] "Good Luck Mr Collins"

Two astronauts successfully landed on the moon and transmitted their thoughts and feelings back to mission control. They described the moon's surface, the atmosphere, the temperature and their feelings of elation at being there.
Just as the transmission was going off, one of the astronauts was heard to say, "Good Luck Mr Collins".
When the men eventually returned to earth, there was lot of media attention but when it came to the meaning of" Good Luck Mr Collins", the astronaut refused to explain.
25 years later, on the anniversary of the moon landing, once again the two astronauts become the centre of attention. It was then, on a late night television programme that the meaning of "Good Luck Mr Collins" was explained.
"When I was a young boy, our family lived next door to Mr and Mrs Collins," he began, "and one day, when I was playing in the garden, I heard voices coming from their open bed room window. I heard Mrs Collins yelling at her husband,
'Oral Sex, that's what you want? Is it... Oral Sex? Let me tell you, when the boy next door lands on moon, then you'll get Oral Sex!' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pmfn4/nsfw_good_luck_mr_collins/
%
Whats fun for 9/10 people?

gang-rape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pma6i/whats_fun_for_910_people/
%
you really have to admire brits who voted to leave

They were so worried about immigrants ruining their economy than they preempted it by doing it themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pm9er/you_really_have_to_admire_brits_who_voted_to_leave/
%
They said Brexit would let us get closer to non-EU countries.

They were right, we now have more in common with Zimbabwe than ever before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pm490/they_said_brexit_would_let_us_get_closer_to_noneu/
%
if jesus died for our sin...

Who died for our cos and tan?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pm1mb/if_jesus_died_for_our_sin/
%
What do we say to Boris Johnson and Donald Trump running the world?

Hair Hair!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pm0jl/what_do_we_say_to_boris_johnson_and_donald_trump/
%
Cameron

Cameroff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4plzvk/cameron/
%
Me and the wife 88'ed last night.

It's like 69'ing, but for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4plwd1/me_and_the_wife_88ed_last_night/
%
The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4plvbx/the_david_cameron_diet/
%
Santa is never lonely

He has many deer friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pluqv/santa_is_never_lonely/
%
I fucked myself last night.

I wanted to get first-hand experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pluoo/i_fucked_myself_last_night/
%
Europe be like...

eu: uk bro?
uk: it's not eu, it's me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4plu0a/europe_be_like/
%
Late one night, Han and Leia are hanging out getting a bit drunk....

when Leia starts bitching about never being able to understand Chewy. Han, fed up with Leia's attitude replied.....
"look princess, there's nothing I can do about it, that's just the way the wookie mumbles"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4plsxc/late_one_night_han_and_leia_are_hanging_out/
%
What do Eskimos and Tupperware have in common?

They both love a tight seal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4plsrn/what_do_eskimos_and_tupperware_have_in_common/
%
Angela Merkel arrives in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4plqh8/angela_merkel_arrives_in_athens_airport/
%
I lost my kid at the zoo the other day....

I couldn't find him, so they just shot all the animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4plpv8/i_lost_my_kid_at_the_zoo_the_other_day/
%
A husband and a wife..

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"  The husband said, "No sweetie."  The woman said, "I'm sure you would."  So the man said, "Okay, I would"  Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"  And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."  Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"  And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ploi9/a_husband_and_a_wife/
%
Brexit's Worst-Case Scenario:

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovlong. Latervia. Byegium.. until EU reach the state of Germlonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4plnj7/brexits_worstcase_scenario/
%
Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on on The computer.
They had been going at it for days, and frankly God's was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the powerwent off
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word knownin the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming:'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power wentout!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his His work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,Jesus SAVES

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4plnfv/jesus_vs_satan/
%
A recent study shows that 51.9% of the UK are under educated.

It was called the EU referendum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4plil1/a_recent_study_shows_that_519_of_the_uk_are_under/
%
A homeless man told me to get home safely

I smiled and said, "You too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4plggp/a_homeless_man_told_me_to_get_home_safely/
%
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome

There were just 30 girls...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4plct6/i_went_to_an_xxx_girls_show_in_rome/
%
A redditor dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

He says "We have chosen to let you spend a day in heaven, and a day in hell. Which do you choose first?"
The redditor says "Can't I just choose heaven? I see this joke on the front page of /r/jokes every other week!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4plaae/a_redditor_dies_and_meets_st_peter_at_the_pearly/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar

and orders a banana martini, the bartender thinks this is peculiar and realizes he's in a dream. He wakes up and hurriedly tells his wife the dream to which she tells him to shut the fuck up. The man then turns around and sobs, remembering his marriage is in shambles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pl9xd/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the best way to lose some pounds?

Leave the EU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pl8y8/whats_the_best_way_to_lose_some_pounds/
%
My girlfriend recently left me due to money issues.

We have been together for a while now. We've always had issues when it came to money. I guess today it was the last straw for her. She sat me down at the table, looked into my eyes and said, "It's not me, it's EU"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pl8x4/my_girlfriend_recently_left_me_due_to_money_issues/
%
Why did the computer scientist die in the shower?

The bottle of shampoo said, "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pl8dw/why_did_the_computer_scientist_die_in_the_shower/
%
Britain will be just fine...

you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pl75l/britain_will_be_just_fine/
%
Why were the people in the World Trade Center mad on 9/11 ?

Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and all they got was plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pl6xy/why_were_the_people_in_the_world_trade_center_mad/
%
Britain says...

See eu later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pl4a6/britain_says/
%
Obesity levels in the U.K. are rapidly declining.

They're dropping pounds fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pl1hb/obesity_levels_in_the_uk_are_rapidly_declining/
%
I'm really starting to hate these little Russian Dolls...

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pky1a/im_really_starting_to_hate_these_little_russian/
%
Rick Astley's releasing a new song lamenting the 'Brexit' result...

It's titled:
Never Gonna Give EU Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pkxgo/rick_astleys_releasing_a_new_song_lamenting_the/
%
two kinds of people

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pkvpt/two_kinds_of_people/
%
The New New Math....

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried...
Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:
1) Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2)Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3) Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?  Yes or No
4)Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5) Teaching Math In 2000s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).
6)Teaching Math In 2010
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pkpxq/the_new_new_math/
%
Words cannot describe how cute you are...

but numbers can tho, you're a 3/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pkpbf/words_cannot_describe_how_cute_you_are/
%
What's black and white and red all over?

A bleeding nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pkm65/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
%
I'm reading a book about zero gravity

I cant put it down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pkljj/im_reading_a_book_about_zero_gravity/
%
What's the difference between Peter Parker and Basic White Girls?

Parker gets paid for his selfies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pkl0j/whats_the_difference_between_peter_parker_and/
%
Why is Santa's sack so full?

He only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pki0n/why_is_santas_sack_so_full/
%
A man with 3 butcheeks

A man with 3 butt-cheeks goes to a doctor but is very embarrassed by his dilema. He decides to tell him in another way so he say "Look here doctor, I don't know how to say this but of we were to add your butt-cheeks and my butt-cheeks there would be 5 butt cheeks."
After a short pause, the doctor exclaims "You only have 1 butt-cheek?"
Stupid joke my friends and I always laughed uncontrollably at while everyone else looked at us like we had a difficiency

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pkeox/a_man_with_3_butcheeks/
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Little Billy

[A bit long]
One day Little Billy is sitting outside of his house, on the curb.
He is holding a cat under one arm, and has a bag of M&Ms in the other hand.
Across the street, Mr. Johnson is busy mowing his lawn.
Mr. Johnson looks over, and sees Little Billy and waves to him. Little Billy sees Mr. Johnson wave and waves back to him. A moment after that, Little Billy pops a M&M in his mouth, takes a bite out of the cat's butt and scoots down the curb.
Mr. Johnson says to himself..."Did I just see what I think I did? That kids always been weird anyways..." And continues on mowing.
A few moments go by and Mr. Johnson glances over to check on Little Billy, and within a second there goes Little Billy, poppin' a M&M in his mouth, taking a bite out of the cat's butt and scooting down the curb.
"What in the HELL is wrong with that kid!! I know what I saw this time!" Mr. Johnson says to himself, and then decides once he's done, he'd gonna talk to Little Billy.
So a few more moments go by and Mr. Johnson finishes up mowing and puts away his mower. He begins to walk over to Little Billy, who is still on the curb...and then he pops another M&M, takes a bite out of the cat's butt and scoots down the curb.
"Hi there Billy, how are you today?"
"I'm good Mr. Johnson, how are you?!"
"I'm doing well Billy, thank you."
Mr. Johnson looks over at Little Billy, he is still holding the cat under his arm and his bag of M&Ms.
"Say, Billy, what are you doing out here on the curb with a cat and M&Ms?"
"I'm playing!"
"What are you playing?"
"I'm playing Truck Driver!"
"Truck Driver? What's that?"
"Well, I'm poppin' pills, eating pussy and movin' down the road!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pkakz/little_billy/
%
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger...

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pkaay/i_was_wondering_why_the_baseball_was_getting/
%
An Irish man walks into a bar...

He likes the place very well. He gets to know all the other regular patrons and the bar begins to feel like home to him. It becomes a place of refuge. He came in every Friday and Saturday night.
But one Friday he doesn't show up, and neither does he show up the following day. His friends get worried.
Next week comes and he also doesn't show. People are becoming alarmed but since no one had his contact information there was nothing they could do.
Several months passed and the Irish man had become a happy memory and somewhat of a mystery.
Suddenly one Friday, he steps in. Everyone's jaws drop like they had seen a ghost. The entire place is silent as he reaches his regular stool.
The bartender asks, "What will you have?"
"Just a Sprite", he responds.
Everyone is shocked. This guy would get shitfaced every weekend, he could drink more than anyone who had ever been to the bar.
"But you usually start off with a bit of vodka, what's the matter?", demanded the bartender.
Irish man replies, "Well you see, last time I was here I drank so much I don't even remember how much I drank. What I do remember is that once I got home I blew chunks all over the driveway. Then I stumbled in my living room and blew chunks on the carpet. I dragged myself to the restroom and I blew chucks in the tub. I finally made it to my bedroom and I blew chunks until I fell asleep. I won't drink no more after that."
"Well so fucking what!?", exclaimed the bartender, "We've all vomited our hearts out every once in a while, it's no big deal!!"
"You don't understand mate, chunks is the name of my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pk7ft/an_irish_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a man who's always in high spirits?

An alcoholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pk44s/what_do_you_call_a_man_whos_always_in_high_spirits/
%
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pk2ws/what_kind_of_concert_only_costs_45_cents/
%
An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.
She goes to the local doctor and asks;
"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"
"Oh, it's just below your left breast."
So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pk0xa/an_old_woman_wants_to_commit_suicide/
%
Working at the aluminum can recycling center is the saddest job I've had.

It's just soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pjwof/working_at_the_aluminum_can_recycling_center_is/
%
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns

but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pjvb4/a_friend_of_mine_tried_to_annoy_me_with_bird_puns/
%
A young religious couple is about to get married...

When their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God's Kingdom.
"Wait," says the man. "We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?"
Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can't think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he'll see what he can do.
While he's gone, the couple starts thinking about how final a marriage in heaven is. After all, a marriage on Earth is 'til death do us part- but a marriage in heaven would be truly eternal.
Days later, Saint Peter comes back. "It was tough," he said, "but I managed to arrange a ceremony for you two."
"That's all good and fine," says the couple, "but can we a also get a prenup, just in case?"
Saint Peter throws his hands up in the air in frustration and says, "It took me this long to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pjlj2/a_young_religious_couple_is_about_to_get_married/
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i'd like to move to the fifth most populated city in france

i've heard it's nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pjkng/id_like_to_move_to_the_fifth_most_populated_city/
%
A Roman walks into a bar...

He holds up 2 fingers and says "Five beers please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pjhul/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I used to be in to S & M, Necrophilia, and Beastiality...

But then I realized I was beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pjhu9/i_used_to_be_in_to_s_m_necrophilia_and_beastiality/
%
My dog just got into a bottle of Tums

She is now a basic bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pjh4q/my_dog_just_got_into_a_bottle_of_tums/
%
Why don't terrorists shop at Walmart?

They prefer a Target.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pjh2k/why_dont_terrorists_shop_at_walmart/
%
Ban pre-shredded cheese

Make America grate again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pjbwc/ban_preshredded_cheese/
%
What goes ooooooo?

A cow with no lips.
;) ;) ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pjbgn/what_goes_ooooooo/
%
Why are archaeologists the most polite kind of necrophiliac?

They'll date you before they fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pjaaw/why_are_archaeologists_the_most_polite_kind_of/
%
It's just a monkey.

When an adolescent girl starts growing pubes, she asks her mother about what's going on with her. The mother replies "it's just a monkey who is starting to grow hair". Later at the dinner table, she tells her older sister that her monkey had started growing hair. The sister replies "Mine even started eating bananas!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pj44h/its_just_a_monkey/
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For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex.

Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pj3q3/for_every_upvote_this_gets_my_girlfriend_and_i/
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The England team won't be voting in the referendum

They can never find the box let alone put a cross in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pj2w7/the_england_team_wont_be_voting_in_the_referendum/
%
Frenchman in sandals

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe flop
I'll let myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pirqk/frenchman_in_sandals/
%
I failed my biology test today. There was a question that asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"

I guess my teacher didn't think "black people" was a good answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pircg/i_failed_my_biology_test_today_there_was_a/
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Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4piqus/big_vote_today_in_england_if_leave_wins_i_predict/
%
I told my doctor I was addicted to Twitter

He said "I don't follow you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pimxv/i_told_my_doctor_i_was_addicted_to_twitter/
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The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I hollered at to him, "You better get your hearing checked. You're supposed to turn your clock back".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pil7k/the_agony_of_aging/
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Girl: "My first time having sex was a lot like the 100 metre dash..."

Boy: "What, over in ten seconds?"
Girl: "No, eight black men and a gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pikz1/girl_my_first_time_having_sex_was_a_lot_like_the/
%
Letter to Tide from beloved consumer

Dear Tide
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
One evening about a month ago, while at home, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. My wife started to berate me about my clumsiness and how expensive the shirt was. That I was stupid, couldn't even hold a glass right, and so on...
Well, one thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white shirt as well.
I tried to get the stains out using the bargain brand detergent my wife bought, but they just wouldn't come out. I went to the local convenience store and got a bottle of Liquid Tide with bleach alternative and all of the stains came out! They came out so well in fact, that the forensic tests were all negative!
I thank you once again for a great product!
Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...
Sincerely,
Recently Widowed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pikwr/letter_to_tide_from_beloved_consumer/
%
So, there's a Mexican Magician

A Mexican Magician stands up on stage in front of a kids birthday party. He looks at the kids with a smile and says, "Okay kids, on the count of three, I'm gonna disappear." He holds up his fingers and starts counting "Uno, Dos..." and then he disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pik41/so_theres_a_mexican_magician/
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I dreamed that I got a handjob...

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up
"I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pik2r/i_dreamed_that_i_got_a_handjob/
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My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess...

So I hired paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4piget/my_girlfriend_said_she_wanted_to_be_treated_like/
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My ex-girlfriend was an opera singer.

With her it was always "me me me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pieia/my_exgirlfriend_was_an_opera_singer/
%
Peggy The Peg Legged Pig

A man visits a local farm and sees a pig with a wooden leg.  He asks the farmer, "Why does that pig have a wooden leg?"  The farmer replies "Oh that's Peggy. She's a great pig, like a family member to us!"  Confused, the man replies "I see, but why does she have a wooden leg?"  The farmer says "Oh Peggy is such a good pig!  One time the barn caught fire and Peggy came in squealin' and squealin' to tell us!  We were able to save the barn!" Again the man asked, "But why does she have a wooden leg?" The farmer said, "She's such a good pig. One time our boy fell into the pond before he learned to swim.  Peggy came in squealing and squealin' and we saved the boy.  She's like family to us!"  Frustrated, the man asked one last time, "Yes yes I *know*, but why does she have a wooden leg!?"  The farmer looked at the man for a second, then replied, "Well she's just such a good pig, like family to us you know.  Can't eat her all at once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pidu7/peggy_the_peg_legged_pig/
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A blonde and a burnette are on opposite sides of a river...

The burnette yells to the blonde "how do I get to the other side?"
The blonde yells back "you are on the other side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pib6a/a_blonde_and_a_burnette_are_on_opposite_sides_of/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pi2b6/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_decide_to_go_on_a/
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[NSFW] A native boy walked to his dad and asked...

"Father, how do you pick your child's name?"
The father responded "well, my son, at the time of conception, I look out of the teepee, and the first thing I see is what I name my child. For example, your brother Soaring Eagle, or your sister Rising Sun.... Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pi1u9/nsfw_a_native_boy_walked_to_his_dad_and_asked/
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If there was someone selling drugs in this place...

.... Weed know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pi0oa/if_there_was_someone_selling_drugs_in_this_place/
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What do you call Chinese soup made by a Mexican?

Juan-ton soup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4phyuf/what_do_you_call_chinese_soup_made_by_a_mexican/
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A 300 pound Chinese businessman walks into an Italian buffet...

And proceeds to eat nonstop for hours. In a panic the head chef calls up his boss, the big bambino.
The chef says: "Boss! There's a large China man down here wolfin' down all da cannolis! I don't know what to do, and we've replaced the rigatoni 3 god damn times! Should I whack him?!?"
The boss replies: "Stop the gobbleygook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4phye5/a_300_pound_chinese_businessman_walks_into_an/
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Thank God for nipples...

Without it.....  Boobs would be pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4phw0m/thank_god_for_nipples/
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Never hide regular cocaine in your butt

Charges will get elevated to possession of crack cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4phr00/never_hide_regular_cocaine_in_your_butt/
%
No one understood my joke about the virus outbreak...

I guess you had to be there to get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4phqdt/no_one_understood_my_joke_about_the_virus_outbreak/
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Don't have phone sex

Because you'll get hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4phizz/dont_have_phone_sex/
%
Babies are like new tattoos

They are yours forever, but you should probably hold off posting pictures for a bit until they aren't raw and weird looking anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4phhjf/babies_are_like_new_tattoos/
%
What did the executioner say to the prisoner?

"Hang on a minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4phccr/what_did_the_executioner_say_to_the_prisoner/
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A man walks into a bar...

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"
One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."
The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I'll take that bet."
So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket.
The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me."
He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.
When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, "Are you gentlemen ready for another?"
The same guy answers, "I'll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear."
The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy's left ear, his right ear, and says, "There's no way you've got an artificial ear. I'll take that bet."
The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in his mouth.
The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me again."
He brings the guys another pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.
A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100 bill on the bar saying, "I'll bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away."
The barkeep says, "It'll be worth $100 to see that so I bet you can't do it."
He puts his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back.
The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor.
The barkeep picks up the two $100 bills with a smile on his face, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is smiling and says, "I just made $100, you just LOST $100, why are you smiling??"
The drunk says, "you see they guy over there I've been drinking with all this time?
I just bet him $1,000 that I could come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you'd wipe it up with a smile on your face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4phc1w/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ph92h/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_rectal/
%
B.J. Titsengolf

A woman arrives at a party and while scanning the crowd spies a handsome man standing on his own.
She makes her move, walking up to him, smiling and saying 'Hi, my name is Carmen.'
'A beautiful name for a beautiful lady,' the man replies 'Is it a family name?'
'No' she says 'I actually chose it for myself, it contains the two things I love the
most - cars and men, hence Carmen.'
The man smiles 'Interesting' he replies.
'And what's your name?' the woman asks.
'B.J. Titsengolf'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ph86z/bj_titsengolf/
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Dark jokes

1. How many dead babies do you need to change a light bulb? Well, apparently not 11, my flat is still dark.
2.Dark humor is like legs, some people don't have it.
3. What is the difference between jews and children? Children come back from their camps.
4. How much time does it take to grill a baby, Idk, i close my eyes when I'm fapping
YOUR TURN!
Spam the comments with dark jokes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ph77q/dark_jokes/
%
What long and hard thing does a Norwegian wife get on her wedding night?

A last name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ph3fn/what_long_and_hard_thing_does_a_norwegian_wife/
%
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye,

It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ph2yv/i_once_dated_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
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I used to suffer from delusions that I was a bland, flavourless cut of meat...

but now I'm cured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pgz74/i_used_to_suffer_from_delusions_that_i_was_a/
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Rene Descartes walks into a bar. . .

. . .and orders a beer. When he finishes is, the barkeep asks "Have another?" Descartes replies "I think not."
. . .and POOF. He vanishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pgwvm/rene_descartes_walks_into_a_bar/
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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter...

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.
In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.
Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pgrxn/the_young_bride_approached_her_awaiting_husband/
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What do women call men under 6 inches?

Friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pgrma/what_do_women_call_men_under_6_inches/
%
A politician passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter greets him. "Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell." "How do I know which one to pick?" the politician replies. "We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide." The politician agrees and is sent to the heavenly realm first.
The experience is okay. He mostly sits around on the clouds singing and playing the harp, and exchanging some pleasant conversation with the angels. He goes back to Peter the next day, and is sent to hell this time.
The elevator arrives at the bottom, and the doors open. He is in a beautiful garden, it's sunny, and there is a nearby golf course. A bar in the pristine looking garden keeps the drinks flowing: beer, cocktails, wine, whiskey, whatever the heart could imagine. There is also a buffet. All his friends and family that have passed away are there, and they greet him cheerfully. Even Satan is there, and he ends up being a really nice and cool guy who assists the politician in whatever he can. After chatting with them for awhile, the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen comes to him, and they end up having the best sex he has ever experienced.
At the end of the day, the politician goes back to St. Peter. "I hope you enjoyed the tryouts sir. What do you choose, heaven or hell?" The politician replies "well Peter to be honest heaven is great and all, but I really enjoyed hell a lot more. I'd like to go there."
His wish is granted. When the elevator doors open in hell, he is greeted by horror. The whole place is dark and gloomy, his friends are screaming as they are burning in pits of fire, and demons walk around beating with pitch forks those who try to escape the flames.
The politician walks up to Satan and demands an explanation. "Yesterday it was so nice! A garden, golf, beautiful women, free food and drinks. Yet today you are torturing my friends. What the heck man?" The devil (no longer friendly and cool as he was the day before) smiles slyly. "Sorry for the mixup. But you are a politician, so surely you understand: yesterday we were campaigning, but today you voted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pgr21/a_politician_passes_away_and_arrives_at_the/
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On our third date, my girlfriend told me that she was bisexual.

I broke it off with her because I definitely need sex more than every two weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pgjiu/on_our_third_date_my_girlfriend_told_me_that_she/
%
So a limbo champion walks into a bar

and loses his title

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pgew3/so_a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
%
2 in 3 people live next to a pedophile

I don't, I live next door to two smoking hot 8 year olds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pgdr6/2_in_3_people_live_next_to_a_pedophile/
%
A blonde gets in an airplane...

It is a one way flight to New York city and she sits down in the first open seat she sees.
Moments later a man walks up to her and says, "umm, miss that's my seat."
The blonde replies by saying, "Im blonde.  Im beautiful and im going to new york."
So the man goes to find a flight attendant to ask her.  She goes up to the blonde and says, "mam, that is not your seat please move."
To which the blonde declares, "Im blonde, im beautiful and i am going to new york."
So now these people are frustrated, this lady just wont get up.  The pilot over hears them talking and asks, "whats going on, is there a problem?"
They tell him whats going on, and he asks, "is she a blonde?"
"Yes, she keeps saying shes blonde and beautiful and going to new york."
"Okay the pilot says, i got this."  He walks up to the blonde and bends over to whisper something in her ear.  She then gets up and moves to the back of the plane.
The man and the flight attendant are astounded.  "How did you do that, what did you say?"
"Oh nothing really," the pilot says, "my wife is blonde so i just told her that the back of the plane is going to new york."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pg9jz/a_blonde_gets_in_an_airplane/
%
I got arrested for shooting a black man

I was charged for trying to impersonate a police officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pg8og/i_got_arrested_for_shooting_a_black_man/
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A husband dies after consuming spaghetti..

Doc: It appears that your husband died from a pierced abdomen.
Wife: How is it possible? All he had was spaghetti.
Doc: After consuming spaghetti, he took some viagra. You know what that does to limp noodles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pg5zv/a_husband_dies_after_consuming_spaghetti/
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Three men are captured by canibals

The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.
The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his throat.
The third one takes a fork,   starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pg5qo/three_men_are_captured_by_canibals/
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A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pg161/a_newlywed_couple_moves_into_their_new_house/
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I've had a bungee jumping incident

But I'm sure I'll bounce back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pfzyu/ive_had_a_bungee_jumping_incident/
%
NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pfzj9/nsfw_my_wife_said_she_wanted_to_have_sex_like/
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A 76-year old walked into an insurance office...

and asks to buy a life insurance policy. The salesman asks him how old he is, and he says that he's 76. The salesman replies that you can't buy a policy over the age of 75.
The old man replies "But my 99-year old father came here last week and bought a new policy"
The salesman replies "Obviously he knows the manager personally - come back on Thursday when the manager is in"
The old man replies "I'm busy this Thursday - my grandfather is getting remarried"
The salesman replies "What? How old is he?"
The old man replies "He'll be 122 next month"
The salesman replies "Why is he getting remarried?"
The old man replies "He doesn't really want to - but his parents are pressuring him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pfzer/a_76year_old_walked_into_an_insurance_office/
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What's the difference between my penis and my jokes?

Women don't laugh at my jokes.
:(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pfyy8/whats_the_difference_between_my_penis_and_my_jokes/
%
Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I’m not joking, but he is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pfw08/stephen_king_has_a_son_named_joe/
%
What's Mexico's national sport?

Cross country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pfuzz/whats_mexicos_national_sport/
%
There's a new restaurant opening called Kentucky Freud Chicken...

...It's motherfucking good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pft5m/theres_a_new_restaurant_opening_called_kentucky/
%
A man gets into a taxi...

and tells the taxi driver, "To the airport now! I'm late for my flight!"
The driver, now also in a state of worry, asks, "What time was your flight?"
"I was supposed to board 30 minutes ago!"
Hearing this, the driver sighs a relief and tells the man, "There's no way your flight waited for you. I recommend you give up."
The man immediately yells back, "You don't understand, I'm the god damn pilot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pfs4r/a_man_gets_into_a_taxi/
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Helo, my name is Ma-ma-ma-ma-martin.

"You stutter?"
"No, my father did and the registrar was an idiot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pfpmw/helo_my_name_is_mamamamamartin/
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salesman was enjoying an excellent view

It seems there was this woman who hated wearing underwear. One day she decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt, the salesman was enjoying an excellent view. After the third or fourth pair of shoes, the guy couldn’t stand it anymore. “Lady,” he said, “that’s some beautiful sight. I could eat that pussy full of ice cream.”
Disgusted, the woman ran out of the store and went home. When her husband got home from work, she told him about the incident and asked him to go beat the shit out of the salesman. And when he flatly refused, she wanted to know why.
“Three reasons,” said her husband. “Number one: you shouldn’t have been out in a skirt with no underpants. Number two: you have enough shoes to last you ten more years. And number three: any son of a bitch who can eat that much ice cream I don’t want to mess with in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pfjby/salesman_was_enjoying_an_excellent_view/
%
What happened to the muslim critic?

He blew everything out of proportion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pfiip/what_happened_to_the_muslim_critic/
%
I used to date computer programs but that's over now

My girlfriend still worries that I may go back but I reply to her "they're just exes "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pfh8x/i_used_to_date_computer_programs_but_thats_over/
%
What did the 40 year old pregnant lady say when her husband asked her "why are you so upset"

"I'm having a midwife crisis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pfejo/what_did_the_40_year_old_pregnant_lady_say_when/
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If I had a 1$ for every gender there was...

I'd have 2 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pfb19/if_i_had_a_1_for_every_gender_there_was/
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You know what I find odd?

Every other number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pf9w3/you_know_what_i_find_odd/
%
A Priest and a Nun go golfing...

The priest lines up his shot, adjusts his lucky cap, takes a deep breath, and swings! And misses.
"Fuck!" he shouts.
The nun is scandalized and warns the priest-'Father! Watch your language!'
The priest apologizes and decides to move onto the next hole.
He lines up his shot, adjusts his lucky cap, takes a deep breath, and...swings! This time the ball falls into a lake.
He throws his club down, screaming 'Fuck!'
The nun admonishes him, 'Father-you had better watch your language, or the Lord may strike you down!'
Again the priest apologizes and decides to move onto the next hole.
The priest lines up his shot, he adjusts his lucky cap and focuses intently on the ball. He takes a deep breath. He swings! And misses again!
'FUCK FUCK FUCK!' he screams.
The sky darkens as billowy storm clouds rush in. Suddenly, BOOM, a bolt of lightning strikes the green!
The nun lies dead as a doornail as the priest gawks to the side.
A rumbling voice from the heavens speaks:
"FUCK."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pf7f0/a_priest_and_a_nun_go_golfing/
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Where do you go during a zombie apocalypse?

The living room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pf47p/where_do_you_go_during_a_zombie_apocalypse/
%
Three women are at a restaurant getting lunch.

They all date men named Jeff, by coincidence, and they always get confused when they talk about their boyfriends.
One of the women says to the others, "Why don't we give our boyfriends nicknames so we can tell them apart?"
The second woman, takes a drink of her soda and says, "Why don't we name them after soft drinks? I'll call mine 7-Up, because he's got seven inches, and it's always up!"
The third woman says, "I'll call mine Mountain Dew, cause when he says he's mountin', you bet he do!"
They both turn to the first woman, and wait for her answer.
The first woman says, "I'll call mine Jack Daniels, it definitely suits him."
The other two women, both confused at her answer, say to the first woman, "That doesn't count, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."
The first woman replies, "He sure is!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pey96/three_women_are_at_a_restaurant_getting_lunch/
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A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead are sitting at a bar.

They are discussing how many fingers they can fit into their pussy.
The Redhead says, "I can fit 2 fingers!"
The then Brunette replies, "I can fit 3 fingers!"
Then the Blonde began to laugh as she slid down the bar stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pew7y/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_sitting_at/
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A Blonde wants to learn how to fly a plane...

A Blonde woman wants to learn how to fly a plane, so she goes to the flight school and asks one of the instructors to help her.
He looks at her and says " All of our planes are taken right now, but we do have this helicopter you could learn to fly. "
The blonde accepts and they go off to the helicopter.  The instructor teaches her about all the buttons and knobs, all the levers and pedals, and she's ready to fly.
The instructor tells the woman that she is to fly to 5 thousand feet up then and come back down to the ground, and lets her know he will be checking on her every 1000 feet to see how she's doing.
She lifts off and before long she's at 1000 feet; " How's it going?" The instructor radios in. "Fine" she says.
2000 feet came quickly afterwards; "Status ?" asks the instructor. "Everything is A-ok!" says the woman.
3000 feet went by well from what he could see, and right at 4000 feet the helicopter falls out of the sky!
The helicopter crashes into the ground and miraculously the woman survives the crash.
"WHAT HAPPENED?!" yells the instructor.
The Blonde says, "Well, at 1 thousand and 2 thousand feet everything was going great!.
Then came 3 thousand feet and I started feeling a little uncomfortable, and once I got to 4000 feet it got *really* cold, so I turned off the big Fan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4permm/a_blonde_wants_to_learn_how_to_fly_a_plane/
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Separate but equal?

A guy dies and ends up in front of St. Peter at the entrance to heaven.
St. Peter says “Welcome to heaven! You’ve lived a good and decent life; we have to find you a place to live up here.  Hop in my golf cart and let’s take a tour of the different subdivisions.  Let’s start in the Methodist neighborhood”
The neighborhood is gorgeous; perfectly manicured lawns, each house is distinct but perfectly nice, kids are playing in the yards, people having a picnic in the town square, etc…
The guy goes “this is awesome!”  St. Peter says “Yeah, it’s nice, but let’s continue to have a look around.”
Next, St. Peter takes them to the Lutheran subdivision.  The same thing, it’s perfect, everything in order, all the homes are nice, the grass is green, everyone waves as they pass through in their golf carts and seem so friendly etc..
Again, the guy goes “this is great, it’s perfect”
St. Peter continues to show him different neighborhoods all afternoon and they are all in the same perfect condition, each one just as nice as the last.
The guy goes, “they are all great, I can’t decide”
St. Peter says “one last neighborhood to show.”  They end up at a huge wall, as tall as the eye can see.  St. Peter and the guy climb and climb and finally reach the top and peer over.  It’s the same thing as before; awesome idyllic neighborhood, kids laughing and playing, people enjoying each other’s company etc…
The guy says “It’s great too, just like the other neighborhoods, but why the giant wall?”
St. Peter goes “Well, this is the Catholic neighborhood.  They like to think they are the only ones up here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4peodp/separate_but_equal/
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Did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts?

Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pel6o/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_with_12_breasts/
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Who should you pray to if you don't want the airplane that you are on to get diverted?

Diversion Mary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pekft/who_should_you_pray_to_if_you_dont_want_the/
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My cousins asked me to sponsor them in a charity race.

Boy did they give me a run for my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pek87/my_cousins_asked_me_to_sponsor_them_in_a_charity/
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If we took Korea's capital away ...

They would be Seoulless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4peg60/if_we_took_koreas_capital_away/
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Four men were sitting together in a train.

A Mexican,  a Swiss,  a Cuban and an American (USA).
As they were talking,  the Swiss man looked at his gold plated Rolex watch and realised it was dead. He promptly took it off then threw it out the window.
"Are you mad!?! That must have cost thousands of dollars!" said the other passengers.
To which the Swiss man replied, "Relax,  I'm Swiss.  I can easily get those where I come from."
Some time later,  the Cuban man took out the finest  hand-rolled cigar you had ever seen,  lit it,  gave it a few puffs then threw it out the window.
"Are you mad!?!  That cigar must have cost hundred of dollars!" said the others.
To which the Cuban man replied, "Relax,  I'm Cuban.  I can easily get those where I come from."
At this point,  the Mexican decided that he wanted to show off too,  but just as he was about to open his mouth,  the American grabbed him and threw him out the window.
"What the hell did you do that for!?!?" cried the other passengers.
To which the American man replied, "Relax,  I'm American.  I can easily get those where I come from."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pefd0/four_men_were_sitting_together_in_a_train/
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I got tired jogging in front of the car

So I ran behind it, but soon became exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4peem3/i_got_tired_jogging_in_front_of_the_car/
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A friend recently asked me where I think I'll be in 4 years.

But how am I supposed to know? I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pedri/a_friend_recently_asked_me_where_i_think_ill_be/
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My Dad is a real family man.

He has three of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pedid/my_dad_is_a_real_family_man/
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What do you call a ship that drives itself?

Auto-pirate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pecae/what_do_you_call_a_ship_that_drives_itself/
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How do you spell candy with two letters?

C and Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pec6k/how_do_you_spell_candy_with_two_letters/
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The Hunchbacks Apprentice

Quasimodo the hunchback was getting somewhat long in the tooth, and his lack of vigour was starting to show. The enthusiasm wasn't there, no cheerful smile or impish oafishness characterised his stagger, and the hint of gleefulness from his glory days had long passed with the tide of the years.
The cardinal of Notre Damn, increasingly aware of the lacklustre in the sounds peeling from the bell tower, one day decided to ascend the steps to speak with the hunchback.
"Quasi, mate, you've done a Stirling job for Paris and its people over the years. You're ridgy-didge in my books, but ya know, some of the other priests have noticed that the ol *joi de vivre* just doesn't seem to be there for you anymore. Have you ever thought of training up a young apprentice to take over the bell ringing gig?
Quasi looks up through his mangy locks to meet the cardinals eyes, first in anger, but then in resignation. He stares off into the distance, far across the reaches of the city skyline and mumbles quietly "You know, I've never really considered it. This place has been my home and my family for so long, I've never wanted anything else. But maybe you're right. Maybe it's time to find something more, something different.... Give me a few days to mull it over."
After a long period of soul-searching and self-reflection, Quasi finally agrees to the cardinals idea and heads down out of his tower and once again into the bustling markets of *les enfants rouge* where he comes across a cheerful young man, shining shoes for pennies.
Quasi approaches the young man, raising his hood ever so slightly to reveal the prominence of his enormous brow, and with a twinkle in his eye, he says "Hey kid, want a real job?". The young man, instantly awestruck by the presence of the legend jumps to his feet and says "it's, it's you... it's really you!"
"Shhhh!!" says Quasi, "what I'm offering you is something only that only the most dedicated, the most fearless, and the most selfless of souls would dare accept."
"Are you interested?"
"Of course!"
"Then follow me"
A short while later, the two men stand atop the south tower in the full brunt of a cold and windy Parisian winters' day. The young man shivers in the cold, the older man looks intently into his eyes.
"This is where the magic happens kid" he says, spreading his deformed arm expansively across the vista before their eyes. "The only real challenge to the job is actually getting ol Emmanuel to sing. You see, unlike the other bells, this grand bell lost its clapper years ago and the cardinal has been pretty skimp on the upkeep of these towers. Over the last few years, I've mastered my own technique. So pay attention boy, and watch how it's done."
The hunchback throws off his heavy cloak, revealing his aged and gnarled musculature, and with the wind whipping at his grey beard he roots each of his enormous arms to the lip of the bell, drawing it back with all his might and flinging it forward and up into the air. He releases and with the enormous bell waving slowly, silently, menacingly, back and forth, he turns back to the young man and growls "Strength, courage and bravery. If you hesitate you will get hurt".
He waits and watches the bell, and at the apogee, he sets his stance, raises his shoulders to his neck, grits his teeth, and leans in as the mass of metal rushes at his head.
A deep and resonant peel rings out as the crown of his forehead connects with the strike point, stopping the bell almost dead in its trajectory, save for a few inches of controlled sliding underfoot from the hunchback.
"Your turn kid"
Quasi draws the young man close and says "I'll get it swinging, just concentrate on what I said. Courage, Strength, Bravey" He's sets the bell into a gentle spin and let's the young man set himself for the challenge.
The young man leaps into face the bell, but at the last instant, he is overcome with terror and attempts to avert his face by flinching back, only to have the lip crash hard into his mandible, fracturing his jaw instantly and dislodging several teeth in the process. The bell lets out a muffled peel. The young man collapses to the floor, clutching his face.
"No, no, no!!" yells Quasi "You lost your nerve! You can never flinch. If you have to back out, then for god's sake duck! Don't flinch back!"
The young man slowly rises to his feet, clearly severely injured, but determined. Quasi raises one eyebrow and says "Again?" The boy nods.
Once more, the old man sets the bell in motion. Once more, the young man sets himself. Once more he flinches. This time raising his nose to meet the lip of the giant bell.
Crunch!
Once more, blood erupts from his face, and once more the young man crumples to the floor to the whimper of a soft peel of response from the bell.
Quasi looks at the young man and grumbles to himself "I should have never agreed to this. Young kids these days... They don't listen and they've got no bloody resilience"
"Look kid, just forget it. Go home, go back to shining shoes for pennies. I will find someone else who actually has real courage, real strength and real bravery."
Incensed, as Quasi had hoped, the young man staggers to his feet once more, and with a mangled primal scream into the harsh winter's wind, he grabs the bell, and fuelled with adrenaline and rage, casts it with near Herculean strength high up into the sky.
But rather than taking time to set himself, this time her reacts instantly and instinctually. He haunches his shoulders and aims his crown directly at the lip on the very first return of the bell. He makes perfect contact!
The bell peels deeply, and somewhat unsurprisingly, the change in momentum of the impact in against an unset stance sends the young man flying backwards through the air, straight out of the bell tower and down onto the cobbled streets below where he lands with a solid thud.
"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!!" mutters Quasi repeatedly as he hobbles down the steps to the tower as quickly as possible and out onto the street where a crowd have gathered.
A passer by is at the young mans side, cradling his lifeless head in his hands he looks up to the crowd and says "Does anyone know this young mans name?!"
Quasi looks down and says "Shit, you know I never did get his name, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4peb68/the_hunchbacks_apprentice/
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A husband leaves his money in the attic...

His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.
The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."
A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4peasb/a_husband_leaves_his_money_in_the_attic/
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What kind of noise annoys an oyster?

A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pe9ob/what_kind_of_noise_annoys_an_oyster/
%
An Australian is visiting England...

He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pe7eg/an_australian_is_visiting_england/
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What did the buffalo say to his kid when he sent him off to college?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pe62a/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_kid_when_he_sent/
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Knock, Knock

Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Dave proceeds to burst into tears as his grandmothers Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer recognize him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pe4ak/knock_knock/
%
It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the white house, and the best time would become president.
Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes 24 minutes.
Trump goes next and posts a time of 14 minutes 24 seconds.
Hillary Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can in an effort to beat Trumps time. She finally crosses the finish line in just under 10 minutes.
"Aha, that must be some kind of record!" she exclaims.
"I don't think so," says Obama, "Bush did 9:11"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pe443/its_the_end_of_the_2016_presidential_race/
%
Why did the chicken fall into the well?

He couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pe30s/why_did_the_chicken_fall_into_the_well/
%
Mr. Wong and Ms. Chin get married and have a baby.

The baby comes out white. Being a little confused, Mr. Wong asks the doctor about this. Doctor says, "Two wongs make a white".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pe1sx/mr_wong_and_ms_chin_get_married_and_have_a_baby/
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How do you break up with a farmer long-distance?

A John Deere letter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pdzso/how_do_you_break_up_with_a_farmer_longdistance/
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Little Johnny learning math

Little Johnny was overheard by his mother reciting his homework, “Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch…; “Johnny!” shouted his mother. “Stop swearing!” “But mom!” Little Johnny protested, “That’s what the teacher taught us! And she said we should recite it till we learned it!” The next day his mother went to the teacher to complain. “No, no.” said the teacher terrified. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say: ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.'”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pdv27/little_johnny_learning_math/
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Why are setups to jokes so important?

because seven ate nine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pdp5t/why_are_setups_to_jokes_so_important/
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My wife told me to kiss her like if we were in a soap opera

I hugged her tight, kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pdkuh/my_wife_told_me_to_kiss_her_like_if_we_were_in_a/
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There was a midget with a speech impediment that was looking to buy a horse.

"Hi thewe," he says to the farmer. "I'm hewe to buy a horwth. I would like to inthectic it first. Can I see the eyths?"
So the farmer assumes he must be talking about the eyes, and he picks him up and he looks at the eyes.
"Wow! What great eyths the horth has! Can I see the eahths?"
The farmer assumes he's talking about the ears, and begrudgingly picks up the midget again.
"Wow! What clean eahths the horwth has! So clean! You muth take great care of your horwtheth! Now can I thee the teeth?"
The farmer is losing his patience and picks up the midget again and puts him in front of the horses mouth.
"Wow! What great teeth the horwth hath! Tho white, tho pretty. Now can I thee her twat?"
"Yeah you can see her twat," the farmer replies and he stuffs the midgets head in the horses vagina.
"You mithunderthand!" Yells the midget from inside the horse. "I meant I wanted to thee her run around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pdih1/there_was_a_midget_with_a_speech_impediment_that/
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Why does Donkey Kong brush his teeth?

To prevent tooth DK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pdett/why_does_donkey_kong_brush_his_teeth/
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Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?

The thief was spending less than his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pde12/why_didnt_the_man_report_his_stolen_credit_card/
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What is Wonder Woman's dildo made out of?

Vibranium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pdcj7/what_is_wonder_womans_dildo_made_out_of/
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Don't you hate it when your girlfriend yells out a different name during sex

Like bitch, my name isn't "someone help"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pd6kn/dont_you_hate_it_when_your_girlfriend_yells_out_a/
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My boss asked if he dropped his watch in the toilet

Because I was shitting on his time
And joke creds to him. I was also fresh out of witty comebacks...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pd61o/my_boss_asked_if_he_dropped_his_watch_in_the/
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How can you tell if your wife is dead

The sex is the same but the dishes start to pile up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pd34x/how_can_you_tell_if_your_wife_is_dead/
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Have you ever stroked a parrot?

I bet you've stroked a cockatoo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pcwgp/have_you_ever_stroked_a_parrot/
%
So a woman asked me how I view lesbianism the other day...

Apparently "in HD" was not an acceptable answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pcw1g/so_a_woman_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbianism_the/
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The road was wet, the moon was high.

We were alone, just her and I.
The starts were bright, her eyes were too.
I knew just what she wanted to do.
So with my courage, I did my best,
and I laid my hand upon her breast.
I knew she was ready, but I didn't know how.
Because it was my first time ever,
milking a cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pcvzx/the_road_was_wet_the_moon_was_high/
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A blonde walks into a laundromat...

And says to a worker, "can you wash this shirt?"
The worker did not hear her and said "come again?"
The blonde than replies "no it is mustard this time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pcvt7/a_blonde_walks_into_a_laundromat/
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Friendship between women and men

Friendship between women:
When a wife did not come home one night and next day she told her husbandthat she had slept last night at a friend’s house.
Then the husband called his wife’s ten best friends.
None of them knew about it.
Friendship between men:
When a husband didn’t come home one night and the next day he told his wife that he had slept last night at a friend’s house
then wife called her husband’s ten best friends
eight of them confirmed that he had slept over
and two claimed that he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pcv6k/friendship_between_women_and_men/
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I can cut a dead tree in half just by looking at it

I saw it with my own eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pcq9p/i_can_cut_a_dead_tree_in_half_just_by_looking_at/
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A photon checks into a hotel...

...and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, "No I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pcpmj/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel/
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What do girls fear that's big, scary, and pink?

The Alaskan Bull Worm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pckqa/what_do_girls_fear_thats_big_scary_and_pink/
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How To Increase Penis Size Easily

A Florida Couple Was Watching A Discovery Channel Special About An African Black Bush Tribe. The Men In That Tribe All Had 24 Inches Long Penises.
When The Black Male Reaches A Certain Age, A String Is Tied Around His Penis And On The Other End To A Weight. After A While, The Weight Stretches The Penis To 24 Inches.
Later That Evening As The Husband Was Getting Out Of The Shower, His Wife Looked At Him And Said.
Wife: “How About We Try The African String-And-Weight Procedure?”
The Husband Agreed And They Tied A String And A Weight To His Penis.
A Few Days Later, The Wife Asked The Husband.
Wife: “How Is Our Little Tribal Experiment Coming Along?”
Husband: “Well, It Looks Like We’re About Half Way There.”
Wife: “Wow, You Mean It’s Grown To 12 Inches?”
Husband: “No, It’s Turned Black.”
Note: Please Do Not Try This At Home :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pci62/how_to_increase_penis_size_easily/
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I was dating an archaeologist but I had to break up with her

Turns out she was a gold digger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pchld/i_was_dating_an_archaeologist_but_i_had_to_break/
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I really don't have much of an opinion on alcoholic beverages during the holidays...

You could say I'm pretty eggnogstic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pcfum/i_really_dont_have_much_of_an_opinion_on/
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You All Have Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
He starts with the first one: “you have an obsession with food because you named your daughter candy.”
He turns to the second and says: “you have an obsession with money because you named your daughter penny.”
He turns to the third: “your obsession is alcohol because you named your daughter brandy.”
Then he turns to the fourth mother, but before he could say anything, the mother stands up, grabs her son’s hand and says
“Come on, dick, let’s go.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pcft1/you_all_have_obsessions/
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What do you call a sexually repressed bandit?

Rubbin' Hood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pcfqc/what_do_you_call_a_sexually_repressed_bandit/
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I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters.

It's shift work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pcdhi/i_just_got_a_job_helping_a_one_arm_typist_do/
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I've started a glass coffin manufacturing business.

My friend asked me if I thought it would be successful. I replied "remains to be seen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pcd38/ive_started_a_glass_coffin_manufacturing_business/
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Little Johnny And Vibrator

A Teacher Asks The Class To Name Things That End With ‘Tor‘ And That Eat Things
The First Little Boy Says: “Alligator.”
Teacher: “Very Good, That’s A Big Word.”
The Second Boy Says: “Predator.”
Teacher: “Yes, That’s Another Big Word. Well Done.”
Little Johnny Says: “Vibrator, Miss.”
After Nearly Falling Off Her Chair, She Says: “That Is A Big Word, But It Doesn’t Eat Anything.”
Johnny: “Well My Sister Has One And She Says It Eats Fuking Batteries Like There’s No Tomorrow!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pcc9c/little_johnny_and_vibrator/
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Thank god.

A man is at a looking to buy a horse, the horse trader leads him to a majestic white stallion.
The horse trader said: "This horse can understand three commands, if you want it to walk, say 'Praise God', if you want it to gallop say 'Thank God' and if you want it to stop say 'Oh My God'. "
The man did not believe the horse trader, so he requested to try it out. He got onto the horse and then said: "Praise god." The horse started walking. He then said "Thank god" and the horse started galloping towards the end of the cliff.
The man panicked and forgot the phrase to stop the horse, it looked as if he was about to fall, he shouted out of fear: "Oh my god!", the horse stopped.
The man, being relieved, said "Thank god..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pca2k/thank_god/
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No end in sight...

I can't see an end.
I have no control.
I don't think there's any escape.
I don't even have a home anymore.
Time for a new keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pc5rw/no_end_in_sight/
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A man goes to hell. He is walking around solemnly, staring at the ground, when the devil comes over and asks him what is wrong.

"I'm just really bummed out that I ended up in hell, you know? It's such an awful place."
"Oh come on, it's not that bad" the devil said. "Say, do you like to drink liquor?"
"Yea, I used to drink all the time when I was alive."
"Well, we have every kind of liquor down here, and Mondays it's all you can drink!"
The man started to cheer up.
"Do you like to smoke?"
"Sure."
"Well, we spend all day Tuesday smoking! Whatever you want, all day. Do you like to gamble?"
"Absolutely!"
"Well, Wednesday is our casino day. We spend the whole day gambling!"
"Wow, this sounds great" the man said.
"See it's not so bad down here. Now tell me, do you like being sodomized?"
"Oh... no, not at all."
"Well, you're not going to like Thursdays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pc54r/a_man_goes_to_hell_he_is_walking_around_solemnly/
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A recent study showed that 93% of the people in Detroit have had shower sex

The other 7% have not been to jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pc3m4/a_recent_study_showed_that_93_of_the_people_in/
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What is Rickon Stark's favorite band?

One Direction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pc1u8/what_is_rickon_starks_favorite_band/
%
I have 10 sons and 2 daughters, and I gave the same name to all of them, Jamie...

...It's quite practical, she said, if I need to wake them up I just shout "wake up Jamie!". If I need them to eat I just say "Jamie! Dear, dinner is ready!". They all obey simultaneously.
The interviewer asks "So how do you refer to them when you need to speak to one of them specifically?"
Easy - she replied - I call them by their lastname!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pc1jm/i_have_10_sons_and_2_daughters_and_i_gave_the/
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Englishman an Irishman and Scotsman

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through the desert when the car breaks down. They decide they have to abandon the vehicle but take parts off of the car to survive the journey. The Englishman goes and takes the radiator.."at least I can have a drink of water to keep me going" The Irishman says "fuck it I'll take the chair, at least I'll have something to rest myself on". The Scotsman steps up and begins removing the front door...the two lads puzzled look at him and say "what's the story?what on earth will you do with a door..??!!the Scotsman looks up.."at least when it gets too hot I'll be able to let a window down".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pc0xw/englishman_an_irishman_and_scotsman/
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A man and his friend go to the airport on their way to Pittsburg

And they notice the woman selling the tickets is not only gorgeous, but has amazing boobs as well. The first friend insists his buddy goes and buys the tickets in an attempt to hit it off with her. He watches from a distance, they talk briefly, and then she quickly slaps his friend across the face.
His friend returns, face down and defeated. He asks him what went wrong, his friend replies "I think I had one of those Freudian slips, instead of asking 'Can I have two tickets to Pittsburg?' I think I asked 'Can I have two pickets to Tittsburg?'
Laughing, he tells his friend "The same thing happened to me this morning, I tried to ask my wife 'Honey can you pass the milk?' and instead I said 'You fucking cunt you ruined my life.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbzq7/a_man_and_his_friend_go_to_the_airport_on_their/
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Two things I learned from online dating

geography and disappointment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbz3x/two_things_i_learned_from_online_dating/
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I sexually identify as Counter Strike...

*And I'm globally offended*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbyrm/i_sexually_identify_as_counter_strike/
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Bruce willis was found dead next to a bottle of viagra

I guess you could say he died hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbwro/bruce_willis_was_found_dead_next_to_a_bottle_of/
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[NSFW] The worst part about kissing my wife after a blowjob...

Is wondering if she can taste the other guy's dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbw6e/nsfw_the_worst_part_about_kissing_my_wife_after_a/
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I saw a woman breastfeeding her baby on the bus today...

And the lady beside me started freaking out.
In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best time for a wank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbtos/i_saw_a_woman_breastfeeding_her_baby_on_the_bus/
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I treat my women like I treat my super cars

I enjoy them a lot and they only exist in my dreams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbr19/i_treat_my_women_like_i_treat_my_super_cars/
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Little Billy forgot to do his science homework on insects...

And his teacher was furious. "Right.", she said. "If you don't bring in a sheet filled with facts about insects by tomorrow, it's detention for you!"
The next day, Little Billy arrives at his classroom early and tells the teacher that he didn't do his homework, but he has an amazing fact about spiders to show her instead. Billy's teacher is of course angry, but finds herself intrigued by what Billy could have. She agrees to let him show it to her.
Billy then pulls out a large spider, and places it on the teacher's desk. "Jump!" He commands, and the spider leaps up into the air.
"Impressive." The teacher remarks.
"It gets better miss!" Billy replys, pulling out a pair of tweezers from his pocket. Then, very carefully, he pulls off one of the spiders legs. "Jump!" Billy says again, and the spider immediately hops straight into the air.
Billy continues pulling off the spider's legs, one after the other, and each time it's able to jump straight into the air on Billy's command. Eventually, the spider has only one leg left.
"Jump!" Billy says once again, and the spider still manages to leap upward.
"Remarkable!" Billy's teacher blurts out. "I didn't think you could train spiders like this, I suppose I can forgive you for not doing your homework."
"It gets better miss!" Billy says, and before his teacher can stop him, pulls off the spider's last leg. "Jump!" Billy commands, but this time the spider's body remains motionless.
"What did you do that for?" The teacher asks, annoyed.
"Don't you see Miss?" Asks Billy, "When you remove all of a spider's legs, it goes deaf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbn77/little_billy_forgot_to_do_his_science_homework_on/
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Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool

Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbl94/carving_a_boob_from_a_tree_would_be_pretty_cool/
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I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbiib/i_asked_to_switch_seats_on_a_plane_because_i_was/
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Why are dirty jokes so uncommon

Because the punchline's always so hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbh86/why_are_dirty_jokes_so_uncommon/
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My daughter wanted me to be a mime for her birthday party.

I was speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbh2o/my_daughter_wanted_me_to_be_a_mime_for_her/
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Poor Grandma

I was visiting my poor, penny pinching old grandma over Christmas break. When I tried to shower, I found that there was no hot water.
I shouted, "Grandma? Why does your shower only run cold water in the middle of winter?"
She replied, "I still have some cold medicine from last winter that will expire if I don't use it up!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbgtt/poor_grandma/
%
What does Sonic say on Ramadan?

"Gotta go fast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbgbv/what_does_sonic_say_on_ramadan/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbbz1/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
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What do you call the urge to crack open a cold one?

Necrophilia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbbx5/what_do_you_call_the_urge_to_crack_open_a_cold_one/
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A Drunk Man . . .

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was covered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pbbls/a_drunk_man/
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A son comes home and

Tells his dad that he finally had sex for the first time.
His father then says "my boy, finally turned into a man!! Come sit here and tell me
about it!"
The son replies "I can't, my ass hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pb9zl/a_son_comes_home_and/
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Why did the gamer cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pb85s/why_did_the_gamer_cross_the_road/
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What does it mean when a blind girl says you have a big penis?

She's probably just pulling your leg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pb82f/what_does_it_mean_when_a_blind_girl_says_you_have/
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What does a arsonist and a bartender have in common?

For special occasions, their cocktails are on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pb2e5/what_does_a_arsonist_and_a_bartender_have_in/
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A BLONDE'S BRAIN AT WORK

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pazsw/a_blondes_brain_at_work/
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On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?...

Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pazpn/on_a_scale_from_casey_anthony_to_jerry_sandusky/
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What type of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4paxta/what_type_of_bagel_can_fly/
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Ideas that aren't profitable

Don't make any cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pavot/ideas_that_arent_profitable/
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Are you a real pilot?

An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flightjacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,  "are you a real pilot"?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pavkf/are_you_a_real_pilot/
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Why do chocken coops only have two doors?

Because if they had four they'd be called chicken sedans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4patho/why_do_chocken_coops_only_have_two_doors/
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him...

She says hello and he’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4partt/a_guy_goes_to_the_supermarket_and_notices_an/
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There was this epileptic Roman ruler...

...who was prone to occasional fits. He was also very self-conscious about it. One day, one of his guards (who also suffered from epilepsy) went into convulsions in the hall while the monarch was eating dinner.
Assuming that the man was mocking him, the dictator furiously ordered him to be thrown into the dungeon, and issued a proclamation that it would be forever against the law to suffer a fit in his presence.
His senior Praetorian Guard imprisoned the man and life went on...until one day, a young woman came before the ruler to request justice. Her father had beaten her severely, causing serious head injuries.
However, as she began to plead her case, her brain hemorrhaged and she went into a fit, curling up on the palace floor and thrashing around violently.
Indignantly, the monarch turned to his guard and shouted:
"See, sir, Caesar sees her seizure. Seize her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4paqz3/there_was_this_epileptic_roman_ruler/
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I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend.

You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4paqvy/i_regret_falling_in_love_with_my_british/
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My friend is obsessed with aircraft carriers

He warships them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4papz3/my_friend_is_obsessed_with_aircraft_carriers/
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What did the saucer say to the teacup?

You have a hot bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4paoyt/what_did_the_saucer_say_to_the_teacup/
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No matter how hard you try to push that envelope

It will still be stationery.
^edit: ^spelling...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pamtq/no_matter_how_hard_you_try_to_push_that_envelope/
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It all.

The title says it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pamaz/it_all/
%
German Heaven and Hell

During Dante's journey through Heaven, Beatrice leads him to a circle of Heaven and tells him: "This is German heaven. You can only enter if you are guided by a German. This is why Gutenberg will guide you there". Gutenberg shows Dante German heaven – a big factory, where good Germans work hard. "If they do not work hard", Goethe says, "they will go to German hell". Dante asks Gutenberg: if it's German heaven, what is German hell like?" Gutenberg answers: "It is terrible. It's a beach, you are wearing a swimsuit, the sun scorches, you have to eat ice cold ice cream and do nothing so that you cannot work!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pag8l/german_heaven_and_hell/
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Burglar breaks into a house

He starts grabbing all the expensive electronics and sending them out the window.
As he's carrying away the stereo system he hears a soft voice call out, "Jesus is watching you..."
Looking around he can't see anyone, so he decides to ignore it.
Later, while carrying the tv, he hears the voice again, "Jesus is watching you..."
Looking around he sees a parrot was the source of the voice. "Hello," said the parrot. "I'm Moses."
The burglar looked confused for a moment, "what kind of people would name their parrot Moses?" he asked.
"The same kind of people who would name their 150lbs rottweiler Jesus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4paepm/burglar_breaks_into_a_house/
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Two bananas are relaxing on a river bank...

When a turd floats by.
The turd shouts over. "Come on in the waters great."
One banana turns to the other and says. "Do you believe this shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4paeek/two_bananas_are_relaxing_on_a_river_bank/
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A choir boy goes to confession...

He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What is your sin, my child?"
"I've had carnal knowledge of a girl, Father."
"My son, it is good that you have confessed this to me but wasting your innocence on these base acts is a sin. In order to fully redeem yourself in the eyes of the Lord you must tell me which girl you committed these terrible acts with."
"Father, I cannot say her name."
"Oh come now, my son, you must! Was it that wanton creature Maggie Fitzgerald?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Annie O'grady? I hear she's Delilah born again. Do you remember the tale of Samson?"
"Yes Father and no, it wasn't her, Father."
"It must have been Nancy Keith! That girl could put the strumpets of Babylon to shame!"
"No, Father. I cannot say the name of the girl. I made an oath before God not to tell."
"Well.. although it is a commendable thing to honour oaths sworn before the Almighty, this act cannot go unpunished. You must say fifteen Hail Marys and you are suspended from the choir for two weeks. In the name of the Holy Trinity I do resolve you of all sin. Go with God."
"Thank you, Father."
The boy solemnly walks out the doors and sits on the steps of the church, next to the other boys from the choir.
"What did you get?", they ask him.
"A fortnight's holiday and three good leads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4padf0/a_choir_boy_goes_to_confession/
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What's Ramsay Bolton's least favorite song?

Who let the dogs out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pacoi/whats_ramsay_boltons_least_favorite_song/
%
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pac14/jack_wakes_up_with_a_huge_hangover/
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Donald Trump wrote a lot of books on business

Most of them end on chapter 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pabb1/donald_trump_wrote_a_lot_of_books_on_business/
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Three men are stuck on an island

when they stumble upon a magic lamp. A genie comes out, and he says that he will give them each one wish. The first man says "I wish to go home." The second man says "I wish to go home as well." The third man says "I wish those other guys were back here, I'm lonely!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pa9x3/three_men_are_stuck_on_an_island/
%
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant,

but then I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pa8hi/i_wasnt_originally_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
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The grass is always greener...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pa81f/the_grass_is_always_greener/
%
Never trust an asshole.

They're often full of shit.
^^^Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pa50a/never_trust_an_asshole/
%
If I had $1 for every time I read a racist comment on the internet

I'd still be broke. Because I am black and can't read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pa443/if_i_had_1_for_every_time_i_read_a_racist_comment/
%
What's the difference between a homeless man's testicle and a shot of lidocaine in the ass?

One is a bum nut and the other is a numb butt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pa2vx/whats_the_difference_between_a_homeless_mans/
%
I accidentally called out my mums name during sex

and my sister hasn't talked to me since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pa1n0/i_accidentally_called_out_my_mums_name_during_sex/
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If rivers could speak, which river would always say no?

Da Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pa0nj/if_rivers_could_speak_which_river_would_always/
%
A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.
When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.
The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: " SUPPLIES ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p9z6l/a_dutch_english_and_chinese_man_wash_up_on_an/
%
I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped

in dog shit. A minute later some guy did exactly the same.
I said to him "I just did that." So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p9ydc/i_was_walking_along_the_street_the_other_day_when/
%
What's the most commonly misspelt blood group?

Type-O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p9t2m/whats_the_most_commonly_misspelt_blood_group/
%
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a child, you'll probably hate it as an adult

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p9r0y/what_do_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room...

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p9m7m/a_husband_comes_home_to_find_his_wife_with_her/
%
How do you get three drunk, rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

Ask them to get out of the pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p9ib8/how_do_you_get_three_drunk_rowdy_canadians_out_of/
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Some people have 32 teeth, some have 10.

It's simple meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p9fl0/some_people_have_32_teeth_some_have_10/
%
It's raining cats and dogs outside. Know how I can tell?

I stepped in a poodle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p9f41/its_raining_cats_and_dogs_outside_know_how_i_can/
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Love is like a machine...

...sometimes you just need a good screw to fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p9c6a/love_is_like_a_machine/
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A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes

However any of his wishes that are granted, also come true for all the politicians in the world times two.
**Genie:** What is your first wish?
**Man:** I want a million dollars.
**Genie:** You now have a million dollars and all the worlds politician now receive two million.
**Genie:** What is your second wish?
**Man:** I want a new Mercedes.
**Genie:** You now have a new Mercedes and all the worlds politician now receive two of them.
**Genie:** What is your third and final wish?
**Man:** I want to donate a kidney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p9c22/a_man_meets_a_genie_and_gets_three_wishes/
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There was a fly about 5 inches above a lake

And in this lake there was a fish, who was waiting for the fly to come down so he could eat it.
By the side of the lake there was a Bear, which was waiting for the fish that was waiting for the fly to come down.
On the other side of the lake there was a hunter, which was waiting for the bear to get the fish that was waiting for the fly to come down.
This hunter had some crackers that a nearby mouse saw, and this mouse was waiting for the hunter to shoot, which was waiting for the bear, which was waiting for the fish which was waiting for the fly to come down.
Nearby there was a cat which was waiting for the mouse, which was waiting for the hunter, which was waiting for the bear, which was waiting for the fish, which was waiting for the fly to come down.
Then the fly came down 5 inches, the fish ate the fly, the bear ate the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse got the crackers, but as the cat went for the mouse it slipped and fell into the lake.
Moral of the story; when a fly drops 5 inches a pussy gets wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p97h7/there_was_a_fly_about_5_inches_above_a_lake/
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Masturbation is like procrastination

It feels good when you're doing it, but afterwards, you realized you fucked yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p96ju/masturbation_is_like_procrastination/
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What has a bottom on a top?

A leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p92l0/what_has_a_bottom_on_a_top/
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I recently opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p92c3/i_recently_opened_a_company_selling_land_mines/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Licksalotapuss.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasoreass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p9285/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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The little church lady

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this (pointing to the bowl).'
'Oh, yes,' she replied. 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ and keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
'Do you know I haven't been sick at all all this winter!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p925g/the_little_church_lady/
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A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I said, "That's the last thing I need."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p8xho/a_man_tried_to_sell_me_a_coffin_today/
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A priest is called away for an emergency...

Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p8wlh/a_priest_is_called_away_for_an_emergency/
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I like my women like I like my coffee.

Cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p8tlj/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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I was offered sex with a 13 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save $1.50 off your next purchase. Batteries not included.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p8sra/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_13_year_old_girl_today/
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A white guy, black guy, and Mexican

A white man, black man, and a Mexican are stranded on an island. A Tribe finds them and the chief of the tribe says "alright, if you want to survive, go into the jungle and grab 10 fruit on one kind each." So the men go into the jungle and bring back fruit. The Mexican comes back and has 10 apples. The chief then told him "alright, if you want to live, shove these up your ass and don't show any emotion, if you show emotion I'll kill you" the Mexican gets to the 2nd apple and cries in pain, so the tribe kills him. The white man brought back blackberries, and he did the same. When he got to the 9th black berry he saw the black man coming back with watermelons, but he didn't react, and shoves them all up his ass. The chief exclaimed "NO ONE HAS EVER PASSED, can you tell me, how did you pass?" Then the white man says "well, you see, I'm subscribed to /r/jokes, and I see this joke EVERY FUCKING DAY"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p8rpc/a_white_guy_black_guy_and_mexican/
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Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p8qkb/two_windmills_are_standing_in_a_field_and_one/
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I identify as counter strike,

and I find this globally offensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p8nbv/i_identify_as_counter_strike/
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Why did the console gamer cross the road

To render the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p8ljh/why_did_the_console_gamer_cross_the_road/
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A penguin is driving down a desert road...

when his car begins to sputter. He pulls over into a service station and leaves his car with the mechanic. The penguin goes into a nearby ice cream shop and buys a vanilla ice cream cone to try and beat the heat. It's so hot outside that the ice cream begins to melt all over his hands and face as he eats it, leaving a mess. When he's finished his ice cream, he goes back to the service station to check on his car. The mechanic tells him "All fixed. Looks like you just blew a seal". The penguin replies, "No, it's just ice cream".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p8kgb/a_penguin_is_driving_down_a_desert_road/
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A man is told he is drunk by a Bartender

He shouted "I am not drunk"
The Bartender shouted "Tell the time!"
The man walked up to the clock and shouted at the Clock
"I AM NOT FUCKING DRUNK"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p8dwc/a_man_is_told_he_is_drunk_by_a_bartender/
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10 Years Marriage

Men: Honey, what would you like to have for our anniversary?
Women: My gift should be able to go from 0 to 100 in no more than 3 seconds!
The men went out for some hours and came back with a scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p8cn9/10_years_marriage/
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Did you hear Mexico agreed to help Donald Trump build his wall?

They've gotta keep all those Americans out once Donald gets elected.
Sorry, super liberal grandpa told me this one on Father's day.  Couldn't help but share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p87bp/did_you_hear_mexico_agreed_to_help_donald_trump/
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Came up with a joke that does not refer to sex, dildos, blonds, blacks, cocks, gays or even Trump.

But this isn't it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p84w2/came_up_with_a_joke_that_does_not_refer_to_sex/
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My friends are like the square root of -1

They're imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p84i2/my_friends_are_like_the_square_root_of_1/
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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA they decided to send it to President Obama. Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.
Note: This is a repost from r/funny. Just thought I should share it with you guys here on r/jokes
; Origin of post by u/one_funny_guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p81wu/a_little_boy_wanted_10000_very_badly_and_prayed/
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Why did the doctor quit his job?

He ran out of patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p808f/why_did_the_doctor_quit_his_job/
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I love the smell of blown out matches...

Chile vs Mexico was a real treat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p7w38/i_love_the_smell_of_blown_out_matches/
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My Socials Teacher just posted this long Potato Pun

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet Potato, which they Called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked,
so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get
her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become
a couch potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like
her shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And
when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she
wouldn't get scalloped..
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and
wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds,
or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University )
so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home
and announced she was going to marry Peter Mansbridge.
Peter Mansbridge!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry
Peter Mansbridge
Because he's just.......
COMMONTATER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p7rss/my_socials_teacher_just_posted_this_long_potato/
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God offers the ten commandments

God went to the Arabs and said: "I have Commandments that'll make your lives better."
The Arabs asked: "What are they, can you give us an example?"
God said: "Thou shall not kill."
The Arab were shocked and refused Gods offering
So he went to the Mexicans and said: "I have commandments that'll make your lives better."
When asked for an example God said: "Thou shall not steal."
The Mexicans were insulted and refused.
Lastly, God went to the Jews: "I have Co..."
Before he could finish the Jews blasted out: "HOW MUCH DO THEY COST??"
God replied: "Nothing, they're free."
The Jews answered: "Good, we shall take ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p7qwl/god_offers_the_ten_commandments/
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The Pope and Hillary Clinton are standing on the stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd...

The Pope leans in toward Hillary and says "Do you know that with one wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?" This joy will not be fleeting or momentary, in fact it will go deep into their hearts and they will forever remember this day and rejoice.
Hillary replies "I seriously doubt that! With one wave of your hand?..Show me!"
The Pope then backhands her right off the stage and the crowd goes wild.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p7j2t/the_pope_and_hillary_clinton_are_standing_on_the/
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And now, here's a disappointing joke with an anticlimactic punchline.

You're welcome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p7ivo/and_now_heres_a_disappointing_joke_with_an/
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If a guy lives in a Spanish speaking country.

And has last name is Rita. He would be Señor Rita.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p7gwn/if_a_guy_lives_in_a_spanish_speaking_country/
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Heaven is getting too full...

So God tells St. Peter to only let in people with really sad deaths, so the first man walks up and says "I live on the 30th floor of an apartment building and I suspected that my wife is cheating on me so I get off of work early and go home. When I get there I discover clothes on the floor and my wife is just sitting there, so I start searching the apartment because I know he's in there. Finally I go out on the balcony and I see someone hanging there by their hands, I immediately try to kick his fingers off but I can't so I get a hammer and start hitting the fingers with it, and he eventually falls.
I excitedly look over the edge only to see the by some miracle he survived, so I run back in to the house and grab the heaviest thing I can find (the fridge) and push the fridge over the edge. I quickly looked over the edge to see that it killed him when I suddenly get a heart attack and die."
St. Peter was really impacted by the story so he let the man into heaven. The next man walks up and St. Peter asks him his story so the second replyed " ok so I'm really into Botany and I was watering the plants on my balcony when I slip on the water and fall off. Luckily for me I grab the ledge under me thinking I'm safe I try to climb up when I realize I can't, I began to worry but luckily a man came out on the balcony, but my joy turned to horror when the man started screaming at me and kicking my fingers, and then he come out with A HAMMER and start hitting my fingers with it and I fell. Some how I barely survived the fall be landing on a tree and I thought my trials were over, AND THEN a refrigerator falls on me out of nowhere."
St. Peter ( knowing the whole story) thought this was sad so he let the man in. The third man walks up and St. Peter asks him his story and the man replies "Picture this, you're hiding in a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p7eop/heaven_is_getting_too_full/
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Uncle Bill always gave 100%

Son: How did he die Dad?
Dad: He donated blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p7bb8/uncle_bill_always_gave_100/
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I Remember The Guy Who Made Me Smile For The Rest Of My Life

He's the reason why I don't do plastic surgery anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p79d1/i_remember_the_guy_who_made_me_smile_for_the_rest/
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A man and his son are sitting, naked, on a couch...

... and the little boy asks, "Dad why are our penises different?"
The father replies, "Firstly, son, you don't have an erection."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p7819/a_man_and_his_son_are_sitting_naked_on_a_couch/
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A man dies and goes to hell...

A man dies and goes to hell and there he meets Satan. Satan says "we have three rooms in which people will have to spend eternity, but you get to choose which one".
So the man opens the first door, and he sees people screaming in agony, being burned for all eternity. "Nope, not that one", he says.
He opens door number two and sees a torture chamber, with people being tortured by demons for all eternity. "Nope, not this one either."
Then he opens door number three and sees naked people standing waist deep in shit drinking a cup of coffee. "Hm well this doesn't seem so bad", he muses, and tells Satan that he chooses to spend eternity in this room.
He undresses, enters the room and is brought a cup of coffee. After 5 minutes however, a PA announcement is made, saying "Ladies and gentlemen, your annual coffee break is over, please all return to standing on your hands. Thank you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p77sm/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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A men goes to a priest...

-Father, I am a sinner...-
-So, what you've dove?-
-I hid a jew in my basement during the second world war.-
-But this one isn't a sin, it's a very honorable thing.-
-I made him pay 300 pounds a month-
-Well, those are a lot of money but you saved him so you can go and may God be with you.-
-Ok then but... should i tell him that the war is over?-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p77lf/a_men_goes_to_a_priest/
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A man dies and goes to heaven

St. Peter gives him a tour and asks him 'Well, what do you think?' The man says, 'Its terrific, everything I dreamed it would be. But who were those people sitting by themselves looking so unhappy?' 'Oh, those are the fundamentalists, they can't believe that they aren't the only ones here.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p749x/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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I've not posted to r/advice before & I'm on mobile so please forgive any spelling errors, I'm on a small screen. My neighbour has a large, untrained dog, he is tied up in the yard most days, but has broken the chain several times now and when that happens he chases my cat and shits all over my lawn.

I wouldn't mind so much, but now the dog has started to do it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p73gv/ive_not_posted_to_radvice_before_im_on_mobile_so/
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FATHER OF THE YEAR

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p6z57/father_of_the_year/
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Study says that 1 in 3 people suffers from short term memory



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p6x7e/study_says_that_1_in_3_people_suffers_from_short/
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There are 10 kinds of people...

Those who understand changes in base, and those who don't.
...And those who weren't expecting a ternary joke.
...And those who were.
...And those who already stopped reading.
...And those who can count.
...And those who can't.
...And OP's who don't deliver.
...And OP's who deliver.
...And normal peopl**e WHO COUNT BY TENS LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p6vur/there_are_10_kinds_of_people/
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Irving visits a nursing home

Irving is a Jewish widower who is getting up in years. His family is worried it may be time for Irving to go to a nursing home. They arrange for him to spend a weekend in a nursing home to see how he adjusts to it.
His eldest son Sheldon takes him to the home on Friday and tells his father he'll be back to pick him up Monday.
Monday comes and Sheldon comes back to pick up his father. "How was your weekend here, Dad?" he asks.
Irving: "It's not bad here. There's more women than man and there's so many characters here and they all have nicknames."
"Like what?" Sheldon asks.
"Well," irving says, you see that lad in the motorized wheelchair over there? She drives that thing at max speed all day long up and down the hallway, in and out of rooms. They call her Racecar Harriet."
"You see that guy over there eating chips. He's got a ravenous appetite and eats everything he can get his hands on. If you don't watch him he'll steal food right off your plate. They call him Gluttonous George."
"Do you have a nickname yet, Dad?" asks Sheldon.
"Yes," says Irving, smiling. "They call me The Fucking Jew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p6s7y/irving_visits_a_nursing_home/
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What colour bricks?

Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.
My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!
If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?
None, a green house is made out of glass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p6s4t/what_colour_bricks/
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Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?

God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p6ryb/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_ireland/
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Al Gore should have had a band named The Algorehythms.

Courtesy of my dad at lunch today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p6qz5/al_gore_should_have_had_a_band_named_the/
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Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men?

Because he thought it was a delivery service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p6nvh/why_did_michael_jackson_call_boyz_ii_men/
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So there was this guy who wanted to be a train conductor.

Now this is more of a story than a joke, but bear with me...
So back in the 30's or sometime there was this guy who desperately wanted to be a train conductor.  It all started in his early childhood.  Ya see, he was orphaned from a very young age, but he still had very vivid memories of his parents.  Now, his parents were horrible people, they abused him, and most of all scoffed at his aspirations of becoming a train conductor.  He had run away and took up residence in the local orphanage.  There all he dreamed of was being a REAL train conductor.  He told all the staff, and they all supported his dreams.  Several years pass and one day the owner of the orphanage came up to him and says:
"I am friends with the conductor at the train station, he's an old man like me and he's going to be retiring soon.  He wanted to finish out this year, but he has offered you the position of ticket collector, so you can see how he runs the show.  Once he retires you would be the new train conductor."
Now at this point our guy is elated.  His dreams are coming true!  He agrees to take the ticket collector position and will start the following morning.  He wakes up at the crack of dawn and sets off for the train station.  Everything was going well, he collects tickets flawlessly for about 3 or 4 months.  During the middle of his shift, he notices a woman that has a striking resemblance to his mother.  His mother was not in the same ballpark as anyone who is considered attractive, and he assumes it's her immediately.  His heart starts racing, and he walks straight up to her.  He takes his ticket puncher and begins to beat her with it.  Now I'm not going to go into the gory details about how he's using this ticket puncher, but just know it is gruesome.  There's blood everywhere, small circular patches of skin all over the floor and the seats.  The passengers are mortified.  He kills this woman, and the police arrest him, he pleads guilty, is sentenced to death, and is taken to prison.
He is scheduled to be executed in a week, and like any man would, is dreading it.  He thinks about how he would have done things differently, and maybe controlled his emotions if he was put in this scenario again.  The night before his execution is a really stormy night, and his spirits are as low as ever.  The jail guard senses that he's down and thinks he can cheer him up a bit with his last meal.  A slight smile appears across his face, and he asks for his favorite, chicken fried steak, with a side of fried okra.  He eats everything on the plate and asks for more.
The method of execution during this time was the electric chair, and the operators were getting it set up for its next victim.  The execution is going quite normally, or as normally as any execution can go, and our guy sits down in his chair.  They put the hat on his head.  Strap him down.  Ask for any last words.  Then begin to electrocute him.  This execution is more spectacular than any other execution these men have ever seen before.  There's smoke, violent thrashing, and worst of all screaming.  After a minute or so they cut the power.
He's sitting in the chair very motionless.  They begin to unstrap him and much to their surprise he sits up!  Now his punishment was to be electrocuted by the electric chair, and he was in fact electrocuted in the electric chair.  They can't punish the poor man again, so they release him hoping he's learned his lesson.
He picks up his job collecting tickets again and is told if he does anything wrong again, he's out of there.  Once again several months pass, and as he is collecting tickets, he runs into a man who is reminiscent of his father.  His mother was bad, but to him his father was worse.  He doesn't even have the composure to walk over to him.  He breaks out into a sprint down 3 train cars.  He tackles the man and once again murders him (much more brutally than the last one).  The same thing happens that happened to him last time.  He is sent to court.  Sentenced to death by the electric chair, and sent to prison.  He asks for a last meal, which he is denied, and is sitting in the electric chair the next day.
This time the operators aren't fucking around.  They douse this guy in water.  Turn up the power to levels that are high enough to kill an elephant.  They turn it on, and just as last time there is a shitload of thrashing, screaming smoke, and the smell of burning hair and flesh.  They leave that sucker on for muccchhh too long for anyone to possibly survive it.  They cut the power, and check to see if the man still lives.  Much to their dismay he, although burned, hairless, and in a world of hurt, sits up.  The lead operator loses his mind and gets in his face.
"HOW!  How are you still alive!? I understand that the first time it may have been a freak accident, but this time we were going to make SURE you were dead."
Our guy looks him straight in the eyes, and with a quiet, raspy voice, he says "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor".
Now I'm kinda new here and I don't know if this joke has been here before.  Thanks for reading it and I hope someone out there liked it.  c:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p6l1p/so_there_was_this_guy_who_wanted_to_be_a_train/
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How does a racist joke start?

With a small loan of a million dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p6hvh/how_does_a_racist_joke_start/
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My grandfather could never throw anything away...

That's why he died in the war holding a hand grenade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p6gnm/my_grandfather_could_never_throw_anything_away/
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My bank is really proud of me.

They keep calling to tell me I have an outstanding balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p6g7b/my_bank_is_really_proud_of_me/
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You really have to respect the male pornstars

They're always working hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p6fas/you_really_have_to_respect_the_male_pornstars/
%
Did y'all hear the one about the tortilla song?

Don't have source, but now that I think about it, it may have been a rap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p69z0/did_yall_hear_the_one_about_the_tortilla_song/
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Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing.

... i can find the door out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p69oh/harry_potter_movies_should_be_rated_r_for_the/
%
Tell the punchline first.

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p65cp/tell_the_punchline_first/
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What's more inbred than English monarchs?

Wheat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p64od/whats_more_inbred_than_english_monarchs/
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I lost my job at the calendar factory

Because I took too many days off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p63k2/i_lost_my_job_at_the_calendar_factory/
%
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?

A Northern fairy tale begins with," Once upon a time." A Southern fairy tale begins with, " Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p633r/whats_the_difference_between_a_northern_fairy/
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Superman walks into the Superhero Bar

and sits down next to Batman and orders a drink. Batman asks how his day was and Superman says "I was flying along checking things out when I looked down and saw Wonder Woman writhing on the beach nude. I couldn't help myself so I swooped down and started laying super pipe."  Batman says "I bet that surprised her."  Superman says "Nah, but it shocked the hell out of the Invisible Man".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5zaa/superman_walks_into_the_superhero_bar/
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I was suffering from pinkeye for a long time until I found www.curing-conjunctivitis.com

It was a site for sore eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5ynm/i_was_suffering_from_pinkeye_for_a_long_time/
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Two twins and a boat

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5vca/two_twins_and_a_boat/
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A young boy enters a barber shop...

and the barber whispers to the customer "this is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch this."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other hand, calls the boy over and asks "which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. Barber turns to his customer and goes "What did I tell you? The kid never learns."
Later when the customer left the barber shop the boy was out on the street eating an Ice cream. The customer says to the boy "why don't you just take the dollar?"
The boy replies "because the day I take the dollar is the day the game ends"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5r76/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
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What did the police officer want from the criminal store?

Just ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5qm1/what_did_the_police_officer_want_from_the/
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Why Aren't SJW's Allowed In The Military?

They are too trigger-happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5pio/why_arent_sjws_allowed_in_the_military/
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My friend told me this hilarious joke about Parkinson's last night

But I don't want to tell it because I'm a little shaky on the details.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5p40/my_friend_told_me_this_hilarious_joke_about/
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A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a mug of hot water.

The bartender looks confused and asks 'Don't you drink blood?'
The vampire holds up a used tampon and says. 'I'm making tea.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5mmg/a_vampire_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
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Scottish couple decided to go to Spain

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier, but because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: January 17th, 2016
I know you're surprised to hear from me, they have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones! I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. It's bloody hot down here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5ikh/scottish_couple_decided_to_go_to_spain/
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What's the difference between a married guy and a single guy?

Wait, let me ask and make sure it's ok to tell the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5i8l/whats_the_difference_between_a_married_guy_and_a/
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A priest is running late for an appointment

so he asks the altar boy to help him with the confessions.
"If someone comes for a confession, go to the confessional and pretend to be me. When they tell you their sin look it up on this reference book and tell them their penance"
Now that the altar boy is in charge a girl comes to confess. He goes to the confessional as instructed and pretends to be the father. The girl starts confessing:
"Father I've sinned. The other day in my house I was alone with my boyfriend and we started kissing. Things got out of hand and I ended up giving him a blowjob"
The kid starts looking in the book the penance for blowjobs, he checks the book over and over but cannot find anything about blowjobs so he quietly gets out o the confessional and goes looking for another altar boy. Finally he finds one and asks
"Dude you gotta help me, what does the priest do for blowjobs?"
"I don't know about you man, but me, he pays me $5"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5hsq/a_priest_is_running_late_for_an_appointment/
%
An officer pulls over a car full of nuns...

A police officer saw a car full of nuns going much too slow for the highway they were on. He pulled them over and went up to the driver. "Why are you going so slow?" The nun that was driving then replied "That sign right there says 20." The police officer looked at the sign. "That's the highway number that you are on." "Oh, sorry officer." The police officer looked in the back seat to see three nuns that looked like they were terrified. "What's wrong with them?" the officer asked. The nun that was driving looked back at them. "We just got off of highway 190."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5hec/an_officer_pulls_over_a_car_full_of_nuns/
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A bus full of catholic school girls gets in a horrible accident.

Sadly all on the bus perished and are waiting in line at the pearly gates.  St Peter approaches the first girl in line.
"Mary Margaret, I have one question for you, and it is of the utmost importance that you answer truthfully.  Have you ever touched a penis?"
Mary blushed a little bit.  "Well, yes, I have.  I once reached into a boys pants and touched his penis with the tip of my finger.  But that was all."
"Very well Mary.  Dip your finger into this holy water and then you may enter Heaven."
St Peter then approaches the next girl in line.
"Anne Beth, have you ever touched a penis?"
"Yes, I once reached in a boys pants and grabbed his penis."
"Very well," said St Peter "Dip your hand in holy water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
At this point in time there is a commotion in the back of the line, as one of the girls is pushing her way up the line.
"Katherine Anne, you need to wait till it's your turn."  St Peter strictly informed the girl.
"No, I'm not staying in the back of the line.  There's no way I'm rinsing my mouth out with that holy water if Karen has to wash her ass out with it first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5fby/a_bus_full_of_catholic_school_girls_gets_in_a/
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Best friends in heaven

Two friends die at about the same time. One goes to heaven and one goes to hell. The one that went to heaven is getting a tour by St Peter. He is admiring the streets of gold, the beautiful harp music and choir and the peaceful ambiance. At one point though he looks down into hell and sees his best friend sitting on a beach with a two beautiful naked women on his lap and a beer can in each hand.
He turns to St Peter and says "Look, I appreciate all of the beauty and serenity up here but looking at my friend in hell it sure looks like he's having a much better time...".
St Peter replies "Not all things are as they appear, you see, those beers have holes in the bottom and the women don't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5c4g/best_friends_in_heaven/
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I got beat up at a black lives matter rally for complaining about my underwear

These knickers where just making me so uncomfortable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5acj/i_got_beat_up_at_a_black_lives_matter_rally_for/
%
There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.

Of course i left him hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p5a6m/there_was_a_man_on_a_stool_with_a_rope_around_his/
%
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are kidnapped by cannibals and taken to a large castle overlooking a forest

The cannibals first turn to the brunette. 'Go into the forest and pick ten of the same fruit or we'll eat you'
The brunette returns with ten apples.
'Now, you must shove each one up your arse without showing any emotion, or we'll eat you' say the cannibals.
The brunette gets halfway through shoving the second one up when she starts to cry from the pain. The cannibals kill and eat her, and she floats up to heaven.
The cannibals turn to the shaken redhead and blonde who have witnessed the whole thing and instruct them to do the same.
The redhead is wise and picks ten blueberries, and arrives back before the blonde. She shoves nine blueberries up her arse with no emotion, but whilst looking into the forest from the window suddenly bursts into laughter before she gets to the tenth. This being a form of emotion, the cannibals kill and eat her, and she floats up to heaven.
Up in heaven, the brunette scolds the redhead. 'You were so close, what the hell happened?!'
'I saw the blonde picking pineapples.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p564h/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_kidnapped/
%
A Tale of Two Roosters

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he bought a young rooster from the local rooster emporium, and turned him loose in the barnyard.
The old rooster saw the young one strutting around and felt a little worried, knowing full well the fate that awaited old birds like him. "So, they're trying to replace me," thought the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."
He walked up to the new bird and said, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
The young rooster was of a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"
So the two roosters went over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begun and all the hens started cheering the roosters on.
After the first lap, the old rooster was still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead had slipped a little but he was still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continued to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he was just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer heard all the commotion. He ran into the house, took his shotgun, and ran out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something was after his chickens. When he got there, he saw the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately took his shotgun, aimed, fired, and blew the young rooster away.
As he walked away slowly, the farmer thought to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p55y7/a_tale_of_two_roosters/
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Profanity

is the crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p52nf/profanity/
%
Little Johnny moves to a Catholic School.

Little Johnny, is a student who is oblivious to religion and is really bad at math.
Little Johnny's parents wanted him to change and go to a Catholic School. After the first day, when Little Johnny arrived home, he went to his room directly. This continued until the first grading, when Little Johnny came home with his report card, he went directly to his room.
His mother, anxious to open the report card, expecting low grades, decided to open it anyway, and was surprised that Little Johhny's grade in math was the highest.
Little Johnny's mom decided to go to his room and ask him about his grades and what has he been doing here.
His mom asked "Wow Johhny, your score is so high! Im proud of you! But what made the difference? Was it the teachers?" Little Johnny replied "No"
"Was it the books?"
"No"
"Was it the new curriculum?"
"No"
"Then what was it Johnny?"
"Well, at the first day of school, i saw this man nailed to the plus sign, then i knew these guys were serious about math, so i studied everyday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p51wp/little_johnny_moves_to_a_catholic_school/
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A man sees a doctor, claiming that he is going to be eaten by chickens.

The doctor asks him why he thinks this.
“I’m an ear of corn,” says the man, “so if a chicken sees me, it will try to eat me.”
The doctor has never heard of such a problem.
The doctor organises for a chicken to come into the room.
Sure enough, the man sees the chicken, screams and runs out.
---
The doctor gives the man therapy, attempting to convince him that he is actually a human.
After several difficult months, the man finally seems to believe it.
To determine whether the therapy was a success, the doctor calls for the chicken to be brought in the room again.
Once again, when the chicken enters the room, the man sees it, screams and runs out.
“I thought you knew you were a human.” The doctor said, exasperated.
“Yes, I know,” responded the man.
“But does the chicken know?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p50fu/a_man_sees_a_doctor_claiming_that_he_is_going_to/
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Free Tickets to the US Open

My buddy gave me two tickets to the US Open but I realized I am getting married that day. If anyone wants to take my place, the wedding is at St. Paul's Church and her name is Emily

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4vap/free_tickets_to_the_us_open/
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Two business men are at a bar

The first one asks the second one: "If you found out the world was going to end in one hour's time, what would you do?"
The second one replies "I'd fuck anything that moves. What about you?"
After a brief pause for thought, the first businessmen replies "I'd stay very, very still."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4uxv/two_business_men_are_at_a_bar/
%
A mother took her son to the zoo on a beautiful Saturday morning.

Her son points and says, "Look mom, a fricken' elephant!"
Not certain about what she heard and a little upset she ask, "What did you say!?"
"A fricken' elephant!"
Really upset now, she asks "Who taught you how to talk like that!?"
He pointed and said "It says it right there on that sign!"
A.F.R.I.C.A.N Elephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4uui/a_mother_took_her_son_to_the_zoo_on_a_beautiful/
%
A guy dies and wakes up on a beach.

Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4uhe/a_guy_dies_and_wakes_up_on_a_beach/
%
Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4t8p/mother_how_was_school_today_patrick/
%
My girlfriend asked me to take off her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
And so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4s2b/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_take_off_her_clothes/
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forgive me father for i have sinned...

... "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4qf3/forgive_me_father_for_i_have_sinned/
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What's worse than getting a penis drawn on your face?

Knowing it was traced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4p0z/whats_worse_than_getting_a_penis_drawn_on_your/
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What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4k8s/whats_the_stupidest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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Two students were complaining about math class.

"I hate math. Well, I really just hate numbers." "What do you mean?" "Take seventeen, for instance. I hate seventeen. There's nothing good about seventeen." "What's so bad about seventeen?" "Nothing really. It's just a prime example."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4jel/two_students_were_complaining_about_math_class/
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two bears walk into a bar

no one survived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4foy/two_bears_walk_into_a_bar/
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You must have been born on a highway...

...because that's where most accidents happen.
Thanks random kid on CS:GO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4flh/you_must_have_been_born_on_a_highway/
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What's the difference between Prince and a White Dwarf?

Nothing, they're both dead stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4fdj/whats_the_difference_between_prince_and_a_white/
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Every year there is a race from one side of Sweden to the other...

They start at the Norwegian line and end up at the Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4e2f/every_year_there_is_a_race_from_one_side_of/
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How do you titallate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tits a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4d1i/how_do_you_titallate_an_ocelot/
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I shot a Black Man the other day

I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p42it/i_shot_a_black_man_the_other_day/
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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross...

... and his disciples are gathered around, crying.
Peter, looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, Peter, come!". Peter rushes over to the cross, only to have his right arm cut off by the roman guard. He gets up and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, Peter, come!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's other arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus screams for him. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off a leg this time. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blood loss and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman gurad has had enough and lops off peters other leg. Lying in a pool of blood he can hear the faint voice of his lord and saviour calling to him. The guard overcome by some emotion akin to sympathy, decides to let Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross, dragging himself by his chin, and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes with love and wonderment (and a little anger) and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "peter, Peter, look, I can see your house from here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4065/jesus_christ_is_dying_on_the_cross/
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Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p3y4f/why_dont_you_ever_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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I lost my job at the orange juice factory

They said I couldn't concentrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p3w4y/i_lost_my_job_at_the_orange_juice_factory/
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I had a blind date last night

. But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.
Turns out, There's an app for that.
It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.
If you like her, you ignore it.
If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"
It works every time.
So I knocked on the girl's door. Turns out I needn't have worried.
She was gorgeous!
I couldn't get over how attractive she was!!
Just as I was about to speak to her, her phone rang!!!
She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?" !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p3vor/i_had_a_blind_date_last_night/
%
How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

only one but it takes him 5 episodes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p3tvt/how_many_super_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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An Islamist dies and goes to heaven...

One day, a Muslim dies, and goes to heaven. As he enters the gates, he sees a man with a halo and wings.
He cries: "Muhamet! It's you!" and the man chuckles and replies "No, I'm only Saint Peter. Muhamet is upstairs."
The Muslim then goes up the flight of stairs and sees another man.
He cries: "Muhamet! It's you!" and the man chuckles and replies "No, I'm Jesus Christ. Muhamet is upstairs."
The Muslim is pleased: Muhamet is on an upper level than Jesus Christ, take that, Christians! He proceeds to go up another level, where he sees a tall man who looks all powerful.
He cries: "Muhamet! It's you!" and the man chuckles and replies "No, no no no. I'm God. Muhamet is upstairs." Wow, Muhamet is bigger than God! God then asks "All that stair climbing must have made you thirsty though... Care for some coffee?" to which the Islamist thanks him and agrees.
God then turns his head up and says "Muhamet! Two coffees, please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p3q40/an_islamist_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
My doctor's just told me I am suffering from paranoia

Well, he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what he was thinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p3p7z/my_doctors_just_told_me_i_am_suffering_from/
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Little Johnny

Teacher was asking her students to talk about their fathers and their careers one day.
"My daddy is a fireman!" Jane proudly boasted.
"Mine is a policeman, he catches bad guys!" Said Jack with pride.
It came around to Little Johnny, who looked downcast and was very quiet, very out of character for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked carefully, "And what about your daddy Little Johnny?"
"He died Miss." Little Johnny whispered.
Taken aback by this, and unsure how to proceed, the Teacher gently asked "I'm so sorry Little Johnny that's very sad, can I ask what he did before he died?"
Little Johnny paused for a moment and said,
"well, first he turned blue and then he shit on the carpet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p3nqy/little_johnny/
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Who was the roundest knight at the King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p3lbi/who_was_the_roundest_knight_at_the_king_arthurs/
%
What do you call a Swedish spy film?

The Bjorn Identity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p3h3i/what_do_you_call_a_swedish_spy_film/
%
Why do hipsters burn their lips when they drink tea?

Because they drink it before it's cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p3f3b/why_do_hipsters_burn_their_lips_when_they_drink/
%
"You the bomb!" "No you the bomb!"

A compliment in America, an argument in the middle east.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p3cvq/you_the_bomb_no_you_the_bomb/
%
How are women and rocks alike?

You skip the flat ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p3aro/how_are_women_and_rocks_alike/
%
Why can't you ever spot a hippo hiding in a tree?

Because hippos can't climb trees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p3arb/why_cant_you_ever_spot_a_hippo_hiding_in_a_tree/
%
How do you disappoint a redditor?

<removed>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p394r/how_do_you_disappoint_a_redditor/
%
Why did your mom tip the delivery boy?

She wanted a pizza dat ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p37n7/why_did_your_mom_tip_the_delivery_boy/
%
Teacher and student

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p3505/teacher_and_student/
%
So I heard that Bruce Lee had children

apparently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p32y3/so_i_heard_that_bruce_lee_had_children/
%
They recently announced the title for Fast and furious 10

Fast 10:your seatbelts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2zfn/they_recently_announced_the_title_for_fast_and/
%
What thinks the unthinkable?

An ithe-berg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2wkj/what_thinks_the_unthinkable/
%
I, for one,

like Roman numerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2v7b/i_for_one/
%
I got fired from the sewage plant

And after all the shit I went through

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2uch/i_got_fired_from_the_sewage_plant/
%
That Russian guy died today....

I guess that's one we can Chekov the list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2tar/that_russian_guy_died_today/
%
What's a Judge's favorite drink?

Guil-tea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2qmf/whats_a_judges_favorite_drink/
%
What do you call a singing computer?

A Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2pce/what_do_you_call_a_singing_computer/
%
Whats long and black?

The unemployment line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2ns5/whats_long_and_black/
%
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the
holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a
little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God,"
says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled
to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2mjn/an_old_lady_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_shes_chatting/
%
Two guys are busted stealing a calender

The both got 6 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2kpo/two_guys_are_busted_stealing_a_calender/
%
I'm not sure where I stand on abortion

I like killing babies, but I don't like giving women a choice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2kfc/im_not_sure_where_i_stand_on_abortion/
%
"I'm very sorry, but you will die soon", said the doctor

"How soon?", the frail man asked, his body trembling at every word.
"In ten."
"Ten what? Ten years? Ten-"
"Nine."
"Eight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2jgo/im_very_sorry_but_you_will_die_soon_said_the/
%
A man meets his new neighbor for the first time as his neighbor arrives home from work.

He says to the man "Hi, I'm Todd, your next door neighbor, nice to meet you. I just have one question for you, when is your birthday?" The neighbor asks "Why would you want to know that?" Todd replies "I want to buy you a pair of blinds for your window, because in the last week I've seen you having sex with your wife every night!". The neighbor says "Well that's awfully nice of you, when's your birthday?" Todd says "Why would you want to know that for?" The neighbor says " Because for your birthday I'm going to buy you some binoculars, that way you can see who's wife it really is, because I'm not married..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2ixi/a_man_meets_his_new_neighbor_for_the_first_time/
%
Did you hear about the guy that was born without ears?

Neither did he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2f0p/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_was_born_without/
%
Why couldn't Bill Gates get any girls?

His hardware was Microsoft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2blk/why_couldnt_bill_gates_get_any_girls/
%
but wheres the punch line?

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p29xl/but_wheres_the_punch_line/
%
If you steal a Tesla...

Does it become an Edison?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p298c/if_you_steal_a_tesla/
%
What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?

Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p254h/whats_the_worst_thing_about_eating_vegetables/
%
How do you starve a black person?

The same way you starve a white person you racist piece of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p218k/how_do_you_starve_a_black_person/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

**Virgin Mobile**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p1yht/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
A soviet soldier asks a man his opinion of the party.

The man nervously replies "the same as yours comrade"
The soldier then arrests him for sedition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p1uss/a_soviet_soldier_asks_a_man_his_opinion_of_the/
%
A man walks in to an interview..

The interviewer asks "what is your biggest weakness?"
The man says "definitely honesty."
The interviewer said "I don't think honesty is actually a weakness..?"
The man said "I don't give a fuck what you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p1qum/a_man_walks_in_to_an_interview/
%
My wife is so sweet

Every time she goes to a bar alone she gives me her wedding ring so I can think about her all night long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p1ndt/my_wife_is_so_sweet/
%
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf...

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p1laa/its_saturday_morning_and_johns_just_about_to_set/
%
A girl climbed a tree at the back of the church

A girl climed a tree behind the church to pick fruits. While picking her fruits high above the tree a priest happens to walk by and sees the girl up above him and realized that the girl was not wearing any underwear. .
He calls the girl down and tells her that it's dangerous to climb tress and gives her $20 to buy a pair of underwear to cover herself up.
The girl went home and informed her mother how she got the $20.
The next day, the mother went to the back of the church without an underwear and climbed the tree and waited for the priest to show up.
The priest walks by and sees the mother in all her glory ...  calls her down, and tells her that it's dangerous to climb trees and gives her $3.
The mother then asked the priest why is only getting $3?
The priest replied that's for you to by a disposable razor ...
Go easy my first post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p1k1o/a_girl_climbed_a_tree_at_the_back_of_the_church/
%
I used to be great at word play.

Once a pun a time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p1jqu/i_used_to_be_great_at_word_play/
%
USDA approves shipment of marijuana-fed cows' beef

Analytical studies show that the steaks are high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p1iav/usda_approves_shipment_of_marijuanafed_cows_beef/
%
My mum was killed by cancer...

Wait no, my dad was a Sagittarius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p1cs1/my_mum_was_killed_by_cancer/
%
Yerr a unit of power Harry!

Im a watt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p1cm3/yerr_a_unit_of_power_harry/
%
So I was having sex with this girl..

When suddenly she asks me: "Doesn't it bother you that I'm 13??"
So I replied: "Not really, I've never been superstitious"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p1c60/so_i_was_having_sex_with_this_girl/
%
What's Osama Bin Laden's favorite football team?

The New York Jets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p1c2n/whats_osama_bin_ladens_favorite_football_team/
%
What is the collective noun for three dyslexics?

A riot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p1bty/what_is_the_collective_noun_for_three_dyslexics/
%
Velcro.

What a rip off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p1abk/velcro/
%
Where are average people made?

The satisfactory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p18vn/where_are_average_people_made/
%
Why is call of duty infinite warfare set in space?

Because nobody liked it on earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p15fn/why_is_call_of_duty_infinite_warfare_set_in_space/
%
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shop keepers heart melts.
He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . . "I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p14ys/a_little_girl_goes_to_a_pet_shop_and_asks_excuthe/
%
Tumblr is like junk food

They're both filled with trans fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p13dd/tumblr_is_like_junk_food/
%
Why can't an orphan play baseball?

It couldn't find home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p0tsn/why_cant_an_orphan_play_baseball/
%
Do you know that crazy Mexican that steals trains?

He had loco motives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p0rmx/do_you_know_that_crazy_mexican_that_steals_trains/
%
College is like unprotected sex...

Good until you get tested

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p0qfg/college_is_like_unprotected_sex/
%
I bought a universal remote today.

I was disappointed to find out that it does not, in fact, control the universe. Not even remotely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p0o00/i_bought_a_universal_remote_today/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p0nfu/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Checked into a hotel expecting one night stand

but there were 2! Mighty pleased.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p0nch/checked_into_a_hotel_expecting_one_night_stand/
%
How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter?

Tell her a joke at Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p0kb3/how_do_you_make_a_blonde_laugh_at_easter/
%
What do you call an Italian's semi-formal shirt?

Marco's polo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p0ja3/what_do_you_call_an_italians_semiformal_shirt/
%
A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump...

a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!" The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years." The woman replied "No, you're disgusting." The homeless man turned and began to walk away when the woman said "WAIT! THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK ME OUT OF THIS?" The homeless man turned, smiled and said, "I'm going to the bottom, if I hurry, you'll still be warm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p0dbo/a_woman_was_standing_on_the_edge_of_a_bridge/
%
Another joke about an old person on a bus.

An old man gets on a crowded bus. All the seats are full and he ends up leaning on his cane in front of a young whippersnapper who doesn't offer his seat.
As the bus starts to drive, the man's cane slips out from under him and the man loses his balance. As the bus stops to pick up more passengers, again the cane slips and the old man wobbles around and grasps for the nearest handle. This repeats as the bus makes its next few stops.
Finally the lad looks up at the old man and says "Hey, old man. Y'know, if you'd just put some rubber on the end of your stick, you wouldn't be slipping and falling all the time."
The old man pouts and points at the boy "And if your dad had just put a little rubber on the end of his stick, I wouldn't be stuck standing right now at all, I'd be sitting in that seat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p07ug/another_joke_about_an_old_person_on_a_bus/
%
What do you call the butt end of a banana?

The bananus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p02qe/what_do_you_call_the_butt_end_of_a_banana/
%
A good friend of mine drowned the other day

We put a life jacket on his coffin, it's what he would have wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p00lm/a_good_friend_of_mine_drowned_the_other_day/
%
I'm Scottish and my son is marrying a Jewish girl.

I'm afraid their kids will leave me penniless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ozzwx/im_scottish_and_my_son_is_marrying_a_jewish_girl/
%
Original joke. Hey! I tried.

I got this friend, he and I can't agree on anything.  It's a constant battle.
We go on a trip together every year and this year, after much debate, we decided to take a trip to Las Vegas.
So, we're enjoying our first night in Vegas, we're both a little drunk and my buddy says, "Hey, let's get a hooker."  I'm pretty drunk too, so I agree.
We go to a brothel and of course it takes us forever to agree on a girl, but we finally do.  A nice young girl named Paige.
So, we go to the room, we all get undressed and start going at it.  My buddy and I are both pounding away, I finally catch his eye and I say, "Hey!  I'm glad to see we're finally on the same Paige!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ozzd8/original_joke_hey_i_tried/
%
What do you call a reptile that likes to start fights

The Insti-Gator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ozwfd/what_do_you_call_a_reptile_that_likes_to_start/
%
"STRAWBERRIES, WATERMELONS, GRAPEFRUITS!!!"

Yells the woman pushing the fruit cart down the street.
Big Jeff comes down from his loft and asks the woman, "got any onions?"
No onions," she replies.
On she goes down the street with her fruit cart.
Next day, same thing. "STRAWBERRIES, WATERMELONS, GRAPEFRUITS!!!" She yells down the street.
Down comes Big Jeff onces again and asks "do you have any onions?"
"NO onions," she says again and is on her way.
Next day, sure enough here she comes as Big Jeff eagerly watches her push her cart. "STRAWBERRIES, WATERMELONS, GRAPEFRUITS!!!"
Big Jeff makes his way down to her and asks very hopefully, "got any onions?"
Enough is enough thinks the lady.
"Look here Big Jeff... What do you get if you take the straw out of strawberries?"
"Well thats easy you just got berries then."
"Right you are Big Jeff. And whar if you take the water out of watermelon?? And the grape from grapefruit?"
Big Jeff replies, "just melon and fruit I suppose."
"Indeed, indeed. And what do you get if you take the fuck out of onions?" She asks
Big Jeff thinks a second and says "there's no fuck in onions"
The woman with the fruit cart promtly says, "thats what I've been trying to tell you every day!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ozwam/strawberries_watermelons_grapefruits/
%
Did you hear about the car with wooden wheels, a wooden engine, and wooden doors?

It wooden start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ozs8r/did_you_hear_about_the_car_with_wooden_wheels_a/
%
Have You Heard of the Arabic Santa Clause?

No? Me either. It's because he's on the No-Fly list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ozrj5/have_you_heard_of_the_arabic_santa_clause/
%
A Scotsman walks into a bar

usually he is with an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman but they are all in France for the Euros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ozpqi/a_scotsman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Little Johnny.

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm,  and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and  I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ozplk/little_johnny/
%
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oznua/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
Time is like a river.

You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.   When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, . . .
"I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oznap/time_is_like_a_river/
%
How do you double the price of a Fiat?

Fill the tank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oznam/how_do_you_double_the_price_of_a_fiat/
%
What do you call a very funny mountain?

Hill-arious!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ozmsn/what_do_you_call_a_very_funny_mountain/
%
Don't be racist; be like Mario

He's an Italian plumber, made by Asians, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, runs like a black man and grabs coins like a jew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ozeze/dont_be_racist_be_like_mario/
%
Heaven is getting kinda full...

Heaven is getting kinda full, so St. Peter thinks of an idea to only let people in if they had a really bad last day on earth.
A man walks up to the pearly gates, and St. Peter asks him about his last day on earth. The man responds, "It was horrible. I just KNEW my wife was cheating on me, so I came home from work early to find a man hanging off my apartment balcony, trying to get away. I stomped on his hands and he fell into the bushes below. I could tell he was still alive, so I grabbed the biggest thing I could find - my refrigerator. I pushed it over the balcony and had a heart attack in the process."
St. Peter had pity on the man and let him into Heaven.
The next man came up and explained his story to St. Peter. "I was working out in my apartment, lost my balance, and toppled over my balcony. Luckily, I was able to grab onto the balcony below mine, but some prick stomped on my fingers and made me fall. Next thing I remember seeing was a refrigerator falling straight towards me."
St. Peter had pity on the man and let him into Heaven.
The next man came up. St. Peter asked him about his last day on earth. The man says, "Just imagine you're naked, in a refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ozdqf/heaven_is_getting_kinda_full/
%
What Do You Call A Story About A Broken Pencil?

Pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ozdjj/what_do_you_call_a_story_about_a_broken_pencil/
%
What should a redditor receive after a terrible joke?

Karma.
(Please forgive me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ozcyn/what_should_a_redditor_receive_after_a_terrible/
%
A Jewish man was talking to a Hindu man

Jew: Yeah, so in my religion we only believe in one God.
Hindu: No way!
Jew: Yahweh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ozbyh/a_jewish_man_was_talking_to_a_hindu_man/
%
A man goes to the comedian's banquet . . .

A man goes to the local comedian's annual banquet with a friend who is a professional comic.  The dinner begins and pretty soon a man rises to his feet, gets everyone's attention and says "32."
The room erupts in laughter and the man sits back down.  A while later, another comic rises at another table, the crowd quiets down to hear what he has to say, and he announces "17" and the place goes crazy with laughter.
This happens a few more times with assorted numbers killing the audience when finally the non-comic attendee leans over to his friend and asks, "What the heck is going on?  What's so funny about numbers?"  The friend explains, "We're all comedians here and we've all been in comedy so long, and all know the same jokes so well, that we've numbered them in order to save time.  So, now instead of telling a long, drawn-out joke with a setup and punchline, we just say the number of the joke we want to tell and everyone here knows it."
The new guy thinks about this and thinks, this is great, I can say a number and make a whole room full of professional comedians laugh. I can't pass up this opportunity.
After a reasonable lull, the new guy rises, clears this throat and says "24."  There is a stony silence and he sits back down.  He takes a drink and leans over to his friend and asks, "what happened?!"
His friend just shakes his head and says, "That joke's a classic, but your timing stinks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oz8e3/a_man_goes_to_the_comedians_banquet/
%
What's the difference between Ignorance and Apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oz7bz/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
Fun fact, clown fish are edible.

But be forewarned, they taste funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oz6sx/fun_fact_clown_fish_are_edible/
%
I need help with what pencil to buy...

2B or not 2B? That is the question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oz6ov/i_need_help_with_what_pencil_to_buy/
%
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oz697/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
%
Old but gold

One day, John visited Rick to borrow some movie to watch.
John: "can i borrow some of your movies?"
Rick: "Sure thing, just follow me"
John followed rick to a room full of movies from a to z
Rick: "so what are you looking for?"
John: "oh just some family friendly movies like Disney or Pixar would be nice"
Rick: "alright then, let me get those movies for you"
Rick picked a handful of movies and started handing them to john one by one
Rick: "so here is Aladdin, cars, finding nemo, and monsters inc.... However"
John: "however?"
Rick: "I'm never gonna give you UP"
I'm not sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oz2c7/old_but_gold/
%
A test of sanity

The director of a psych ward suspects some patients of being completely sane. He calls for 3 suspicious patients to have them perform a simple test.
“Look, this is a steel door. If you manage to get through the key hole, you get a special prize.”
The first patient charges the door like a bull but as you can imagine, he ends up with a severe concussion.
The second patient charges the door and performs an amazing jump that allows him to soar like an eagle, only to crash hard into the steel door.
The third patient carefully examines the door, goes back to the director and says “It’s impossible to do.”
The director, thinking he has exposed the patient as sane, asks him “why?”
“Well, sir, you left the key in the key hole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oz0cy/a_test_of_sanity/
%
Math problems are like women

If they're under 18 just do them in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oz05d/math_problems_are_like_women/
%
One engine on a plane is failing...

So the pilot comes over the speaker and says 'Unfortunately the plane won't be able to handle all of the passengers without crashing. We will have to start removing passengers from the plane giving them parachutes and pushing them out until we reach our ideal flying weight. We will choose people alphabetically by their ethnicity. We'll start with Africans!'
A small dark skinned boy pulls on his dad's sleeve and says 'Isn't that us?' and the dad replied ''shhh not now'
'Next up: Blacks!'
Again the boy asks if they're going now and also again the father disregards the sons inquiry
'Any Colored People are next!'
Very impatient the boy bugs his dad for an answer as to why they haven't gone yet. His dad's response was:
'Well son, today and only today, we're ni**ers!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oyzvb/one_engine_on_a_plane_is_failing/
%
'It's a boy!', I shouted.....

.. and at that moment, I regretted visiting a Thai brothel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oyxk6/its_a_boy_i_shouted/
%
The man that invented throat lozenges died last week...

There was no coffin at the funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oyvlp/the_man_that_invented_throat_lozenges_died_last/
%
What is another name for a knife?

A chopstick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oyt8y/what_is_another_name_for_a_knife/
%
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a **great** year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oyqs8/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

A brick to the back of his head should do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oyqo3/how_do_you_turn_a_fruit_into_a_vegetable/
%
My son can't handle going to camp this year.

It's in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oypnx/my_son_cant_handle_going_to_camp_this_year/
%
Whats long and hard and has cum in it?

a cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oynu0/whats_long_and_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
I asked a welsh man how many sexual partners he has had

so he started counting, and fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oynju/i_asked_a_welsh_man_how_many_sexual_partners_he/
%
How many vegans does it take to...

None. Nobody needs fucking vegans for anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oymb7/how_many_vegans_does_it_take_to/
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For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did...

I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oylzc/for_a_period_houdini_used_a_trap_door_in_every/
%
Kevin is woken up for school.

Kevin is woken up by his mother.
"Rise and shine, Kevin! Time to go to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to get up."
"No, you're getting up now, no excuses."
"Name me two good reasons for why I should get up now and go to school.."
"First of all: You're 54. And second of all, you're the principal!"
*Source: Hamburger Abendblatt issue #124*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oyls6/kevin_is_woken_up_for_school/
%
I don't know why I got fired from my job at the M&M factory.

I threw out all the Ws, they should be happy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oyi0m/i_dont_know_why_i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_mm/
%
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oygls/i_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_taxi_driver/
%
I'd like to thank my dad for always being there for me

From the day I was conceived to the day he found out my mom was pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oyetu/id_like_to_thank_my_dad_for_always_being_there/
%
Did you hear about the guy who invented knock-knock jokes?

He won the nobel prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oychm/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_invented/
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Did you hear about the guy that was hospitalized with several plastic horses in his ass?

His condition is stable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oyawz/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_was_hospitalized/
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A journalist goes to see a farmer who managed to breed four-legged chickens.

-How did you manage to do that? He asks.
-I once found a three-legged chick, kept it and get it to have eggs and I ended up with a lot of four legged chickens.
-But why?
-Well, I like chicken legs, my wife too and my two kids also. So I thought with a four-legged chicken, we’d only have to kill one every day to feed the family.
-And how do those four-legged chickens taste like?
-No idea, never been able to catch one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oy8al/a_journalist_goes_to_see_a_farmer_who_managed_to/
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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oy6pk/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
A wind turbine asks his friend what his favourite genre of music is

To which he responds: "I'm a big metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oy57n/a_wind_turbine_asks_his_friend_what_his_favourite/
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My dyslexic brother made ginger bread yesterday.

Poor Tyrone..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oy494/my_dyslexic_brother_made_ginger_bread_yesterday/
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Q: How's your visit in North Korea?

A: Can't complain ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oy08c/q_hows_your_visit_in_north_korea/
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In Soviet Russia.

Everyone's standing in line for bread, waiting for hours. Finally a baker
comes out and says "Comrades! Unfortunately we won't have enough bread
for everybody. Will everyone who's Jewish please leave the line?" A few people leave. After an hour, he comes out and says "Comrades! We still won't have enough bread, will everyone who didn't fight in the Great Patriotic War please leave the line?" A larger number of people leave the line. After another hour, the baker comes out and says "Comrades! There still won't be enough bread, will everyone who is not a party member please leave?" More people leave the line. After another hour, the baker comes out and says "Comrades! I'm so sorry, but we will not have any bread today." An old man mutters to another one as they're leaving: "Those Jews get the best of everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxyoe/in_soviet_russia/
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A good comedian is like a good dictatorship.

Consistent in their execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxxwp/a_good_comedian_is_like_a_good_dictatorship/
%
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady.  She said to me,  "Sonny,  would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."
"Sure.",  I replied.  Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
"What a nice lady", I thought,  while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later,  I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again,  offering some nuts.  I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes,  she tapped me on the shoulder,  once again offering some nuts.
I asked her,  "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth",  she replied.
"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh,  because we just love the chocolate around them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxx41/so_i_was_sitting_on_the_bus_just_reading_a_book/
%
Why couldn't the dolphin turn around in a hallway

Because he was driving a tractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxv40/why_couldnt_the_dolphin_turn_around_in_a_hallway/
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A man walks into a library...

... then walks up to the lady behind the counter and says: 1 Fish and chips please.
The lady says: Sir, this is a library!
The man says "Sorry" and proceeds to whisper: *1 Fish and Chips please.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxufb/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
%
What did one orphan say to the other?

"Robin, get in the Batmobile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxojz/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
%
A girl walks into a supermarket

. She picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.
The cashier looks at her and the items she has and says, "I can tell you're single."
She smiles and responds, "How do you know that?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxnzm/a_girl_walks_into_a_supermarket/
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Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

A: Miscarriage
This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxnv5/q_what_word_begins_with_m_and_ends_in_arriage_and/
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Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxm7d/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car/
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Hide & Seek

Where is the worst place to play hide and seek in a hospital?
In the I.C.U.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxfes/hide_seek/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping at Walmart?

...it's ok, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxf52/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_walmart/
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3 Girls, 1 Mother

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they decided they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided to ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me to scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxdfv/3_girls_1_mother/
%
What's the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxb39/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorlydressed_man/
%
They say imitation is the highest form of flattery, but actually...

A plateau is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxaw4/they_say_imitation_is_the_highest_form_of/
%
The results from the 2016 Presidential Election are in...

Turns out no one in the fucking country voted, so President Obama took it upon himself to come up with a way to decide the next President. He told Bernie, Trump and Hillary that they would have an actual race. One lap around the White House and the fastest time would be the next Commander In Chief.
Bernie went first, he took off from the starting line, but in his old age just couldn't keep up his pace and ended up with a final time of 45 minutes and 17 seconds.
Trump goes next, he hauls ass around the grounds not letting up for a second and finishes with a time of 9 minutes and 56 seconds.
Hillary goes last and just takes off, jumping over bushes, crashing through flower beds, not giving a single fuck. She finally crosses the finish line with a time of 9 minutes and 32 seconds.
She turns to Obama and says "Wow! That's got to be some kind of record!" Obama replies "You'd think so, but Bush did 9:11."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ox679/the_results_from_the_2016_presidential_election/
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I took a poll on what people do with their off hand when they masturbate

A white guy said he holds the phone he's watching porn on. An Asian guy said he holds the tissue he finishes into. The black guy said "lol, you have an off hand?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ox5i7/i_took_a_poll_on_what_people_do_with_their_off/
%
Why did the mexican girl get pregnant?

Her teacher told her to do an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ox4vm/why_did_the_mexican_girl_get_pregnant/
%
What spice do you find in hell?

SINammon
(Sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ox0ap/what_spice_do_you_find_in_hell/
%
I have AIDS and Alzheimer's

Thank goodness I don't have AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4owydd/i_have_aids_and_alzheimers/
%
Three high ranking military men are eating at a restaurant...

the waitress comes over and two of the men order beers. She asks the third if he would like the same. She notices the 4 stars on his uniform. He replies with the lame pun, " No I *GENERALLY* don't drink beer." He and his buddies all laugh loudly. He says, "Why don't you bring me some choices? Surprise me with a few things." She walks away and rolls her eyes.
She brings him some Coca-Cola. He rather lamely replies again, "No thank you, I *GENERALLY* don't drink Coca-Cola." He and his two buddies all start giggling again. She takes the Coke and walks back.
Now irate, she brings him a cup of coffee. As she places it in front of him, he blurts out, "No thank you, I *GENERALLY* don't drink coffee!" Once again, he and all his buddies burst out in laughter.
No longer holding back due to her respect for the servicemen, the waitress angrily asks, "Just who do you think you think you are?"
The general reaches into his pocket and pulls out a business card and hands it to the waitress. He says, "Just go back there again, you'll know what to bring me." Still very upset as she walks back to the kitchen, she reads the man's business card.
"Gen. Lee Drinkwater
U.S. ARMY "
I just made this joke up sitting on my couch right now. Let me know if you liked it. If you didn't like it, I know that you will let me know in the comments below.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4owy8j/three_high_ranking_military_men_are_eating_at_a/
%
I was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old girl...

...i thought she was a couple of years older than that, I suppose that makes two reasons why I'm a bad father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4owvj2/i_was_arrested_for_having_sex_with_a_15_year_old/
%
A priest is on top of a house during a flood...

People evacuating came to him in a boat and told him to get in, he says "No, god will save me". So they left him and got out.
As the water was reaching his waist more people evacuating came to his aid, again he replied with "God will save me".
Now the water is at his neck he remains calm more people in a boat are rushing him to get in but the priest sticks with his words saying "God will save me.
As the water is at his face a helicopter comes down to save him, he refuses their help with the same statement and they are forced to leave.
So the priest dies and meets God "I had faith and belief in you, why didn't you save me?" To which God replies "Are you kidding me?! I sent 3 boats and a helicopter".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4owshk/a_priest_is_on_top_of_a_house_during_a_flood/
%
I heard the founder of Apple was actually kidnapped by the government of Mexico

Damn Mexicans always stealing our Jobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4owr09/i_heard_the_founder_of_apple_was_actually/
%
If a Tesla car gets stolen . . .

would it be called an Edison?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4owiac/if_a_tesla_car_gets_stolen/
%
why cant Ray Charles see his friends??

Because he's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4owi5w/why_cant_ray_charles_see_his_friends/
%
A baby seal walks into a bar

No, wait.
A baby seal walks into a club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4owgq7/a_baby_seal_walks_into_a_bar/
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Father's day in the forest

Two middle aged trees, a beech and a birch, are standing in the forest one sunny day and spot a sapling off in the distance growing strong.  They start arguing about whose son it must be.  Hearing the commotion, a woodpecker flies over and after learning what they are arguing about agrees to investigate for them.  The woodpecker flies over to the sapling and can be seen and heard pounding away on it for about 15 minutes.  Then the woodpecker flies back to the two older trees and says "Gentlemen, that is neither a son of a birch, nor the son of a beech; but it is the best piece of ash I've ever sunk my pecker into."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4owezh/fathers_day_in_the_forest/
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Does your dick touch your asshole

A little boy was sitting on his grandpa's lap while his grandpa was smoking a cigar. the boy askes his grandpa, "could I have a drag your cigar?"
The Grandpa says to the little boy, "well can your dick touch your asshole?"
The Little boy says "no" so grandpa tells him he can't have a drag.
The Next day grandpa is sitting on the front porch drinking a beer, the little boy walks up and asks grandpa, "can I have a sip of your beer?"
The Grandpa asks, "well can you dick touch your asshole?" The  little boys says "no" so grandpa tells him he can't have any beer.
Two days after that, the little boy is sitting on the deck eating a plate of cookies when Grandpa walks out. Grandpa asks the little boy, "could I have one year cookies?" The Little boy asks his grandpa, "well can your dick touch your asshole?"
The grandpa says "yes it can!"
The little boy says to grandp, "good then you can go fuck yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4owck7/does_your_dick_touch_your_asshole/
%
I lost my new underwear...

...I only wore them briefly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4owcj8/i_lost_my_new_underwear/
%
Why is school in Mexico a lot harder?

Because they have a lot of esé's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4owaxg/why_is_school_in_mexico_a_lot_harder/
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(Awful joke)What did the Elephant say while scolding her children?

Tusk Tusk
I am so sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4owaba/awful_jokewhat_did_the_elephant_say_while/
%
Would it be wrong to give terminally ill children tattoos?

I mean... it's not like they'll grow up to regret them.  :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4owaa6/would_it_be_wrong_to_give_terminally_ill_children/
%
I was fired after falling asleep on personal documents.

Apparently you can't lie on your resume.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ow8e0/i_was_fired_after_falling_asleep_on_personal/
%
I don't know what made me feel more fat

That my fast food weighed so much in my passenger seat that my car told be to put a seat belt on it or that I was so concerned with its safety that I actually did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ow3aq/i_dont_know_what_made_me_feel_more_fat/
%
What disease do neckbeard mosquitos give you?

M'laria.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ovzrp/what_disease_do_neckbeard_mosquitos_give_you/
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Challenge: Change one letter in a move title to create a whole new blockbuster

Examples:
Pooper: BRUCE WILLIS finds out the hard way just how dangerous time travel can be.
Tar Trek: WILLIAM SHATNER's quest to go where no man has gone before to make Canada a major oil producer.
Gone with the Wine: Nicholas Cage drinks himself to death in the old south.
301: Dalmatians rescue ancient Sparta from cruel cats.
Zardog: Sean Connery's dog wins Best of Show.
Sin Citi: Kiki's bond ratings may have fallen to DD, but one bank knows how market them in this HOTT market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ovrs5/challenge_change_one_letter_in_a_move_title_to/
%
Mom why do they call me...

[So my friend told me this joke today]
A little girl walks into her mother's room and asks 'mom, why did you name me daisy?'
'Because when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head,' she replied.
The next child walks in and says 'mom, why did you name me rose?'
'Because when you were younger a rose petal fell on your head,' she replied.
The last kid walks in and says 'bluhblehbluuu.' The mother says
'Shut up fridge!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ovpva/mom_why_do_they_call_me/
%
A wind turbine's friend asks him what music he likes

Wind turbine: "I'm a big metal fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ovpq3/a_wind_turbines_friend_asks_him_what_music_he/
%
[Dirty] How does Leia spend Father's Day?

Riding Solo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ovogm/dirty_how_does_leia_spend_fathers_day/
%
Where do shoes receive their military training?

Boot Camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ovo1i/where_do_shoes_receive_their_military_training/
%
How does a pregnant black woman fight crime?

Abortion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ovngb/how_does_a_pregnant_black_woman_fight_crime/
%
Four older men are bragging about their sons

The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".
The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".
The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".
"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.
"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"
...told by my parish priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ovmg7/four_older_men_are_bragging_about_their_sons/
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A button on my car broke...

Its a pressing matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ovjvt/a_button_on_my_car_broke/
%
My Dad Is A Magician

He can turn alcohol into domestic violence... But his disappearing act is even better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ovfox/my_dad_is_a_magician/
%
Hey girl

Are you the new gorilla exhibit? Because I want to throw a baby in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ove3v/hey_girl/
%
What type of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ovc95/what_type_of_bagel_can_fly/
%
I got fired from the banana plantation for "wasting resources"

All i did was throw out the Bent ones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ovc2d/i_got_fired_from_the_banana_plantation_for/
%
How do you get fifty old women to say f**k?

Shout "Bingo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ov5bh/how_do_you_get_fifty_old_women_to_say_fk/
%
What do gay horses eat?

Horse dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ov2lr/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
%
Why was the necrophiliac fired from the crematory?

He was caught spreading remains before they were cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ov2ey/why_was_the_necrophiliac_fired_from_the_crematory/
%
I'm thinking of going on a cleanse

just not sure which race to start with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ov1gn/im_thinking_of_going_on_a_cleanse/
%
Just found out that male lions sometimes engage in homosexual behavior.

Must have a lot of gay pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ov09w/just_found_out_that_male_lions_sometimes_engage/
%
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection - except one.

He's never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ov03l/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
%
What is an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ouzqu/what_is_an_alcoholic_mexicans_favorite_book/
%
Did you hear about the guy who went streaking through a church?

The priest caught him by the organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ouy5s/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_went_streaking/
%
Why was the boat disobedient?

Nobody gave it a stern talking to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ouxhs/why_was_the_boat_disobedient/
%
What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a dirty bus station?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ouwgr/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with/
%
Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ouvwx/daddy_what_are_those_big_round_things_on_mummies/
%
On a frosty winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
wife writings back 5 minutes after the fact:
"PC is truly spoiled at this point.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ouv12/on_a_frosty_winters_morning/
%
Accidents Happen

Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ousah/accidents_happen/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent!
(Credit to the first dad who said this)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ous3a/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
I wish lucid dreaming was more controllable

Not the duration of lucid dreaming but the destinations I visit. I’m tired of going to McDonalds at 2am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4our18/i_wish_lucid_dreaming_was_more_controllable/
%
How does Kylo Ren celebrate Father's Day?

Solo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ouovc/how_does_kylo_ren_celebrate_fathers_day/
%
I had a dream last night that I was a muffler

Boy, did I wake up exhausted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ounyh/i_had_a_dream_last_night_that_i_was_a_muffler/
%
I just got fired from the calendar factory

All I just did was take a day off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ounjr/i_just_got_fired_from_the_calendar_factory/
%
I'm quitting drinking for good

Now I drink for Evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oumbj/im_quitting_drinking_for_good/
%
A friend of mine was looking for a job for months. He got hired by a clock making factory for 2$ an hour.

I asked him why he applied there for so little pay.
"It's not about the money."
"It's about damn time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oujzb/a_friend_of_mine_was_looking_for_a_job_for_months/
%
Quick Joke # 5

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks: Why are you going to sleep on the floor?
The old woman says: Because I want to feel something hard for a change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ouhdv/quick_joke_5/
%
Decided to take all my old watches and join them together to make a new belt...

turned out to be a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ouggi/decided_to_take_all_my_old_watches_and_join_them/
%
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man in a long coat walks up to them and exposes himself...

The first old lady says, "My goodness!" and immediately has a stroke. The second lady, seeing the first lady, also has a stroke. The third lady couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oufde/three_old_ladies_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench_when/
%
Why do riot police get to work early?

To beat the crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ouds4/why_do_riot_police_get_to_work_early/
%
Boating accident

Paddy and Mary divorced a year ago. Paddy was boating with his son Michael when a storm came up and they both drowned.
Officer Murphy had to tell Mary the news. "Well, Mary I have good news and bad news."
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your ex has drowned in a boating accident."
"He was a miserable son of a bitch, but at least he made the child support payments on time."
"Well the good news is you won't be needing the child support anymore."
Disclaimer: this is a repost of a joke I submitted to /r/DarkHumor 8 months ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oucye/boating_accident/
%
What's the difference between an Electrician and someone who's high?

The electrician knows where the ground is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oua5l/whats_the_difference_between_an_electrician_and/
%
I was fired from the orange juice factory

I just couldn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ou66e/i_was_fired_from_the_orange_juice_factory/
%
At a Starbucks job interview

"What is your name?"
-Alyssa
"Could you spell that, please?"
-L A R I S S A
"When can you start?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ou51d/at_a_starbucks_job_interview/
%
Why didn't the comedian make a tree joke?

He wood have, but he decided to leaf it to other branches of the community.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ou3re/why_didnt_the_comedian_make_a_tree_joke/
%
Was very disappointed when I went into a German restaurant and asked for their best

but they served me their wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ou1i4/was_very_disappointed_when_i_went_into_a_german/
%
Why does camping never get boring?

Because it's in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ou0pa/why_does_camping_never_get_boring/
%
Why did the fruits take out a $30,000 loan for their wedding?

Because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ou09h/why_did_the_fruits_take_out_a_30000_loan_for/
%
There was a prison break

and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4otyp8/there_was_a_prison_break/
%
I just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon....

I want to see which one comes first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4otyfe/i_just_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_off_amazon/
%
I've got one thing to say to all you motherfuckers.

Happy Father's day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oty8m/ive_got_one_thing_to_say_to_all_you_motherfuckers/
%
Why did the cheese go to the museum?

To get cultured

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oty17/why_did_the_cheese_go_to_the_museum/
%
Is it okay to marry your second cousin? [xpost from /r/dadjokes]

Sure, as long as you're legally divorced from the first one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4otqf3/is_it_okay_to_marry_your_second_cousin_xpost_from/
%
Who makes the most money from Father's Day?

My psychologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4otnpw/who_makes_the_most_money_from_fathers_day/
%
Scottish man in canada

So a Scottish man with a stereotypical accent goes to canada and is riding on a train through the country. He then sees a moose out the window and starts FREAKING out. As the train crew notice his clamor, they quickly go to ask him what is wrong. He then asks, "What is that giant monster out there???". (read this part aloud) They say, "It's a moose". He replies, "A moose? Then I wonder what the rats look like here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4otmt5/scottish_man_in_canada/
%
What do you call conjoined twins with the same name?

Sharron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4otks8/what_do_you_call_conjoined_twins_with_the_same/
%
ELI5 What happens when a high school calls in a replacement teacher for a subject they know nothing about?

Ooops... wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4otjkg/eli5_what_happens_when_a_high_school_calls_in_a/
%
What is a Mexican's favorite Olympic event?

Cross country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4otfrn/what_is_a_mexicans_favorite_olympic_event/
%
I'm beginning to believe that my road worker friend is a kleptomaniac..

So I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4otdfs/im_beginning_to_believe_that_my_road_worker/
%
After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him....

After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him.
After take off, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee, but the pigeon yelled over him "Get me a whiskey, now!"
A few moments later the attendant returned with the whiskey, but no coffee.
"Hey, dumbass," the pigeon demanded after downing his drink, "another whiskey!"
The attendant hurried to bring the pigeon the whiskey, but forgot the coffee.
Upset at being ignored, the man decided to try the pigeon's approach.
"Hey!" he yelled at the attendant. "Get me a coffee now!"
A moment later, the door to the cockpit opened and the co-pilot came over.
"We've had enough of you two."
He grabbed the man and the pigeon and tossed them out of the plane door at thirty thousand feet.
As they plunged downward, the pigeon turned to the man and nodded to him, "You know what, that was really gutsy, buddy, especially for someone who can't fly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ot9aw/after_taking_his_seat_on_a_plane_a_young_man_was/
%
I was about to make a joke about illegal immigrants

But that would be crossing the borders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ot601/i_was_about_to_make_a_joke_about_illegal/
%
I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.
"Sleep on it," I said.
Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ot4mq/i_a_dad_just_subjected_my_daughter_21_to_my/
%
My alarm clock isn't in a good mood...

It just went off on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ot3it/my_alarm_clock_isnt_in_a_good_mood/
%
When i was a kid, my father said he wanted me to be an autodidact.

I asked him what that word meant.
He told me to look it up.
Happy Father's Day, everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ot1f2/when_i_was_a_kid_my_father_said_he_wanted_me_to/
%
What do you call a scent that wanders?

An a-roam-a.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4osuy9/what_do_you_call_a_scent_that_wanders/
%
I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4osu4v/ive_just_been_fired_from_the_clock_making_factory/
%
Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4osss3/getting_married_in_heaven/
%
As a child, I wanted to be a psychologist.

But my parents told me, "We're a-Freud you're too Jung for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4osr9b/as_a_child_i_wanted_to_be_a_psychologist/
%
Played an organ for the first time today

I really enjoyed it, but my patient didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ospd3/played_an_organ_for_the_first_time_today/
%
A Scotsman walks into a bar..

Normally there is a Welshman, Irishman and Englishman, but they're all in Marseille at the Euro's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4osok6/a_scotsman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Tits man or arse man?

"Tits man or arse man?" I was asked.
I really should have got in there earlier when they were giving out super hero names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4osm6f/tits_man_or_arse_man/
%
Joseph confronts Mary...

Joseph: "Mary, I've heard you've been prostituting your body through the town!"
Mary: "Don't worry, Joseph. I was just trying to make a little prophet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oskoj/joseph_confronts_mary/
%
What did cinderella do when she reached the ball?

She choked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oshcw/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_reached_the_ball/
%
My son asked me on father's day why there was no son day

I told him it's every sunday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4osetz/my_son_asked_me_on_fathers_day_why_there_was_no/
%
What did the dog say to the tree...

You've got a lot of bark, but no bite..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4osdwg/what_did_the_dog_say_to_the_tree/
%
Is it ok to hate a certain race?

I am fine with 5km races but marathons just do my head in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4osaol/is_it_ok_to_hate_a_certain_race/
%
A kindergarten teacher asked her students to talk about what they did during the recent school holidays.

She asked them to use "grown-up words" as opposed to baby language.
The first little one said he went to see his "nana." The teacher said, "No! You went to see your 'grandmother.' Use grown-up words."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a "choo choo." The teacher said again, "No! You went on a 'train.' That's the grown-up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he had done during the recent school holidays. He proudly stated that he head read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed up his chest and in a very adult way replied, "WINNIE THE SHIT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4osa3x/a_kindergarten_teacher_asked_her_students_to_talk/
%
"I'm dying call me an ambulance"

Best friend: "Ok dying, you're an ambulance"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4os6i6/im_dying_call_me_an_ambulance/
%
A serial killer was finally caught

Over the course of his criminal career, he has murdered twenty lawyers, but one of his victims didn't fit the pattern, as he was a priest, not a lawyer. When asked about why he murdered the priest, he chuckles and says "Knew nobody would give a damn about twenty lawyers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4os674/a_serial_killer_was_finally_caught/
%
He Who Farts In Church...

...Sits In His Own Pew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4os5ej/he_who_farts_in_church/
%
I wanted to upload the Mexico-Chile game to PornHub...

... but PornHub said they don't accept rape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4os4pu/i_wanted_to_upload_the_mexicochile_game_to_pornhub/
%
Why does my computer keep saying hello?

It's a Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4os44v/why_does_my_computer_keep_saying_hello/
%
So I have a pretty good fathers day joke

Can't wait to tell my dad when he finally brings the milk home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4os2dm/so_i_have_a_pretty_good_fathers_day_joke/
%
The bartender says:"We don't serve your kind in here."

A tachyon walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4os26a/the_bartender_sayswe_dont_serve_your_kind_in_here/
%
A redhead tells her blonde sister "I slept with a Brazilian"...

The blonde says "OMG! you slut! How many is a brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4os169/a_redhead_tells_her_blonde_sister_i_slept_with_a/
%
Happy Fathers Day

to all you mother fuckers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ortfk/happy_fathers_day/
%
Did you know that witches don't wear panties?

It's so they can get a better grip on the broomstick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4orrm6/did_you_know_that_witches_dont_wear_panties/
%
Bill collector tells me my debt is outstanding

I thank him for noticing how much hard work I put into collecting them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4orqdj/bill_collector_tells_me_my_debt_is_outstanding/
%
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4orqbz/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_with_a_yeast/
%
Where can you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4orq3y/where_can_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?

Cus he was too far out, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4orpst/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie_from/
%
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4orm20/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_was_stepped_on/
%
How do you piss off a historian?

Give them a tampon and say what period is this from?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4orlks/how_do_you_piss_off_a_historian/
%
Did you hear about the guy who opened a cheese store in Israel?

He called it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4orkxq/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_opened_a_cheese/
%
Why do you have to separate red shirts when you put them into the laundry?

Because red shirts die easily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4orkrg/why_do_you_have_to_separate_red_shirts_when_you/
%
A grammar nazi was working in the iron mines

, when one of the miners went up to Hitler and gave him a report.
Hitler told the man, "You are mining too much iron. Mine less!"
The grammar nazi could not help himself and shouted, "Mine fewer!"
Hitler said, "Yes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4orc9a/a_grammar_nazi_was_working_in_the_iron_mines/
%
Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4or8y7/ive_just_been_molested_by_a_group_of_mime_artists/
%
DJ Khaleds Favorite Number is 11

Because it has another 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4or813/dj_khaleds_favorite_number_is_11/
%
My colleague at work said I'm a gullible twat.

Who am I to argue with the current WWE champion?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4or6sj/my_colleague_at_work_said_im_a_gullible_twat/
%
I brought a dyslexic girl home last night.

She cooked my sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4or45r/i_brought_a_dyslexic_girl_home_last_night/
%
Justin Beiber fell off stage last night at a concert in Canada.

He suffered only minor injuries according to his gynecologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4or12w/justin_beiber_fell_off_stage_last_night_at_a/
%
Timbuktu rhyming contest!!

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”
The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”
The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4or120/timbuktu_rhyming_contest/
%
3 blonde girls is at the side of a river

And they're trying to get to the village on the other side
1 blond girl ask god to make her smart,so god turn her into a brunette and she swims across the river
the other girl ask god to make her smarter than the girl that just swam,so god make her into a redhead and she built a raft and paddle across
The last girl ask god to make her smarter than the other two girls,so god make her a man and he uses the bridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oqzid/3_blonde_girls_is_at_the_side_of_a_river/
%
Happy new year!

Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oqwg2/happy_new_year/
%
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

They say he made a mint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oqqgi/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_invented_lifesavers/
%
what do you call a pile of kittens?

a meowntain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oqmzs/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_kittens/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates.

It doesn't last long if you're fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oqm5x/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.
One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled ''shit''!
The room took three hours to clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oql77/i_know_a_hypnotist_who_could_control_the_whole/
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A German is at the border to go to Poland.

The officer asks him:
Name?
Hans Gruber.
Address?
123 SpiegelStrasse, Berlin
Occupation?
Nein, just visiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oqjbv/a_german_is_at_the_border_to_go_to_poland/
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Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night.

Going for a crap could spell trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oqgpp/accidentally_swallowed_some_scrabble_tiles_last/
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Mickey Mouse is on trial for the murder of Minnie Mouse

The judge asks to clarify, "The report here says your motive for killing her is for being too silly?"
"No your honor, she was fucking Goofy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oqglg/mickey_mouse_is_on_trial_for_the_murder_of_minnie/
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A time-traveller and his student..

A college professor at a small college had just invented time-travel. He knew he couldn't trust just anyone with this secret, so he chose to tell only his best student; an african-american student named Mark. When the professor told him, Mark was shocked!
"So what do you plan to do with you time-machine?" Mark asked.
"I'm going to kill Hitler when he was a child" The professor responded.
Mark was both appalled and intrigued, so he asked the professor if he could tag along. The professor thought that was a splendid idea, so he booted up the time-machine and waited for Mark to join him.
A few seconds later they had arrived in a room with a person lying in wait to take the shot. He seemed unwilling to do so, for some reason. The professor walked up to the man and whispered uplifting words in his ear.
Mark could hear him take the shot.
Suddenly he realised that this wasn't Austria in the late 1800s. This was in Dallas, early 1960. The person he had who'd been shot wasn't Hitler, it was JFK. Mark broke down and cried, and when he looked up the professor and his time-machine was gone.
On that day, the professor had left a black Mark in history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oqcaw/a_timetraveller_and_his_student/
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A Brit & an Aussie walk into the men's room and take a piss...

As they finish, the Brit heads for the sink & turns on the water while the Aussie heads for the door.
With a disapproving look, the Brit turns to the Aussie and says: "In England, we wash our hands after using the bathroom."
"No worries, mate;" answers the Aussie, " in Australia we don't piss on our hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oqalp/a_brit_an_aussie_walk_into_the_mens_room_and_take/
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A chef if having trouble killing a turtle...

It's a high class establishment along the campaign trail, and the Trump posse has just entered the restaurant, with Trump demanding turtle soup.
The chef, a consummate professional, starts working on the food. But this time, the turtle is not cooperating. Every time he goes to grab its head, the turtle shrinks into its shell, making it impossible to grab and be chopped off. This repeats itself multiple times.
Eventually Trump staffers enter the kitchen, irate. "Why is it taking so long?" One of them demands. The chef meekly explains the situation - the turtle won't show it's head.
Without pausing, the staffer wets his finger, and promptly sticks it up the turtle's ass. PLOP! Immediately the head comes out, the turtle staring at everyone like they owe him an explanation.
The chef cuts the head off, and the soup is on the way.
"That was amazing," he says. "How'd you know how to do that?"
The staffer shrugs. "How do you think we get the tie on Trump every morning?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oq6jj/a_chef_if_having_trouble_killing_a_turtle/
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TIFU by taking someone else's sandwich at the deli today

Oops... wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oq4ek/tifu_by_taking_someone_elses_sandwich_at_the_deli/
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It's not funny when a First Lady runs for President.

It's Hillary-ous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oq43x/its_not_funny_when_a_first_lady_runs_for_president/
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The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't server time travelers."

Two time travelers walk into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oq1w7/the_bartender_said_sorry_we_dont_server_time/
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What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?

A pimp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4opx2f/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_who_owns_6_goats/
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Wow, somebody finally wrote a book about clock fetishes!

It's about fucking time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4opwep/wow_somebody_finally_wrote_a_book_about_clock/
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What would Winston Churchhill be doing if he were alive today?

Clawing and screaming in his coffin:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4opq5x/what_would_winston_churchhill_be_doing_if_he_were/
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Discrimination

Three first-graders are flunking their class. The teacher calls them in and tells them: "I will ask you one question each, if you can answer it, you pass."
"Jim, how do you spell 'Cow'?"
"Jack, how do you spell 'Car'?"
"Muhammad, how do you spell 'Racial discrimination'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4opoqb/discrimination/
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Unshakable Fact # 5

Arguing over a girl's breast size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4opnnc/unshakable_fact_5/
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Unshakable Fact # 4

Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was killed by the woman's husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oplhv/unshakable_fact_4/
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What do Michael Jackson and Mcdonalds have in common?

They both stick their meat between 13yo buns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4opk6h/what_do_michael_jackson_and_mcdonalds_have_in/
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Unshakable Fact # 3

Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - Fucking PRICELESS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4opjh7/unshakable_fact_3/
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I once met a Redditor in Europe.

His username Czechs out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4opiuj/i_once_met_a_redditor_in_europe/
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Unshakable Fact # 1

A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4opeo3/unshakable_fact_1/
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There was a police squad chasing a very fast thief...

They soon lost him. They saw a man standing nearby, eating a sandwich. The chief of the squad asked him, "There was a man in a red and black checkered shirt running, where did he go?". The man eating the sandwich replied:
"You see this road? Upon going straight and taking a right, there will be a forked path leading to four roads, on the fourth road there are four lanes, the fourth lane leads to a town.
Upon arriving to the town, you will see four blocks. On the fourth block, there are four buildings, the fourth building has four floors. On the fourth floor, there are four apartments.
In the fourth apartment, there are four rooms. In the fourth room, there are four cupboards. In the fourth cupboard, there are four drawers.
In the fourth drawer, there are four photo albums. In the fourth photo album, there are four pages. On the fourth page, there are four pictures. In the fourth picture, there are four people.
The fourth person is my mom and I can swear on her that I have no idea where the man with the red and black checkered shirt is"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4opddg/there_was_a_police_squad_chasing_a_very_fast_thief/
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Tried changing my password to "14days"

but it was two week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4opavm/tried_changing_my_password_to_14days/
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If a pilot can't get it up during takeoff

Is it called projectile dysfunction?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4op8om/if_a_pilot_cant_get_it_up_during_takeoff/
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house can't jump at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4op55s/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
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A feminist walks into a bar

She walks to the bartender and says, "No, I will not have it, I will not be served by a cisgender white male." A man nearby says, "My god, not another feminazi.", the bartender says, "Hey! Don't compare feminists to nazis, that's not cool.", the feminist says, "Maybe all you cisgenders aren't that bad.", the bartender continues, "Don't compare feminists to nazis, at least nazis accomplished something."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4op4ya/a_feminist_walks_into_a_bar/
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A Mexican performs a magic trick.

He tells the audience he'll disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* … he disappeared without a tres!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4op4xm/a_mexican_performs_a_magic_trick/
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What's worse than finding a baby in a trashcan?

Finding a baby in two trashcans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4op4nq/whats_worse_than_finding_a_baby_in_a_trashcan/
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I once dated a girl who told me she had had sex with Mr. Peanut.

She was fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4op14y/i_once_dated_a_girl_who_told_me_she_had_had_sex/
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Paychecks are like dicks...

Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4op0lr/paychecks_are_like_dicks/
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Because of Politcal Correctness you can no longer say "Black paint".

You have to say "Jamal, will you please paint the fence?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oow3d/because_of_politcal_correctness_you_can_no_longer/
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A man opens up a zoo...

One day a man decides to quit his job and open up a zoo. He first needs to get animals for the zoo, so he buys 100 Mina birds. He then decides he needs some aquatic attractions, so he buys some porpoises from a shady man. The man tells him that if he does not feed the porpoises by 12 midnight, they will start to kill and eat each other. For one final attraction the state donates him some rescued lions.
That night at 11:50 pm the man remembers while walking by the porpoises that he has yet to feed them. He also realizes that he does not have enough time to run to the supply shed to feed them. So he comes up with a plan, he will grab some Mina birds from the cage and feed them to the porpoises, the only problem is the lion cage is between the Minas and the porpoises, and he does not have enough time to run around the lion pit. He decides then to run through the lion cage. He reaches the other side and grabs some Minas and starts heading back. About half way through the lion cage he sees a big light in the sky, a helicopter descends right in front of him and lands. Police pour out and put handcuffs on him and tell him he is under arrest. He asks why he is under arrest and the police respond, "you are under arrest for transporting Minas across state lions for immoral porpoises."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oovfk/a_man_opens_up_a_zoo/
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Herb was diagnosed with cancer.

It was a basil-cell carcinoma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ooubg/herb_was_diagnosed_with_cancer/
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I have two requirements in my will....

1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World
2) I do not want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oolz3/i_have_two_requirements_in_my_will/
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Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oolfl/why_does_a_6_oz_hamburger_have_less_energy_than_a/
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Mike and Muhammad

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed.
As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead.
They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.
So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.
John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.
The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told the other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.
Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ookid/mike_and_muhammad/
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A little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate

, then he took another one and then another ...
A man next to him said,
"Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth??"
The boy replied,
"My grandfather lived for 105 years"
The man asked ,
"Was it because of eating chocolate?"
The boy replied,
No, he was always minding his own business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oojqn/a_little_boy_was_in_a_bus_eating_a_chocolate/
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What do you call a patronising scam artist, walking down stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ooggn/what_do_you_call_a_patronising_scam_artist/
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What do sex in a canoe and American beer have in common?

They’re both fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ooeap/what_do_sex_in_a_canoe_and_american_beer_have_in/
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Build a man a fire, he is warm for a day.

Light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ooe9v/build_a_man_a_fire_he_is_warm_for_a_day/
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How many DIY-ers does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but about a dozen light bulbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oodnf/how_many_diyers_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Is there a hole in your shoe?

No?! Then how'd you get your foot in it?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oob6k/is_there_a_hole_in_your_shoe/
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What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ooae2/whats_the_difference_between_bird_flu_and_swine/
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Dark humor is like a child with cancer,

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oo7el/dark_humor_is_like_a_child_with_cancer/
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A good pun...

A good pun is its own reword.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oo656/a_good_pun/
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Why couldn't the police solve the case of the flat car battery?

They had no leads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oo5cj/why_couldnt_the_police_solve_the_case_of_the_flat/
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Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4onzmr/never_date_a_tennis_player/
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A dick has a sad life

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next door neighbor is an asshole,his best friend is pussy and his owner beats him habitually.!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4onxiy/a_dick_has_a_sad_life/
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A woman gets a phone call

saying "The viper is coming shortly". She thinks nothing of it.
She gets another call. "The viper is coming in two hours."
She freaks out and calls the cops.
Two hours later, a short Russian man with a squeegee knocks on her door.
"I am the viper. I'd like to vash the vindows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ontfj/a_woman_gets_a_phone_call/
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In light of the recent Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston news. I believe they shouldn't have let slip they are dating and kept it Loki

(Joke above)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4onsio/in_light_of_the_recent_taylor_swift_tom/
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A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4onshn/a_british_man_is_visiting_australia/
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So Mario is talking to Luigi.

"So I breka up with tha princess last night. But I told her, it's a not you, it's a me! Mario!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4onopu/so_mario_is_talking_to_luigi/
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I tried making jokes about people who don't go to the gym...

...but none of them worked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4onlbo/i_tried_making_jokes_about_people_who_dont_go_to/
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I have never seen my all time favorite joke here, so I will submit relatively original content, enjoy!

There was a newspaper in a very small Midwestern farming town, comes out once a week with local news like the new library books, or the preachers sermon, and school fundraisers.  One day the editor calls the reporter in and says, "I don't know what to do about the next issue. There isn't a damn thing happening! No church bazaars, no school activities, and Sheriff hasn't arrested anyone in 3 weeks! I got nuthin' for the paper but a page and a half of ads! Can you think of any stories to write?" The reporter told the editor there was a farmer with a pig out south of town, supposed to be a pretty special pig.  Well, that brightened up the editor, and he sent the reporter to get the whole scoop on the pig, write a big feature, and take lots of pictures!
The reporter meets the farmer, who takes him out to the pen to meet the pig.  He is amazed to see a lovely large pig with a perfectly fashioned back prosthetic peg leg. As he is snapping off dozens of images, he knows this is a pig with a story!
The farmer told him about how the pig, at only 8 months old had jumped down from the hay loft in the barn and saved their daughter who had fallen into the horse trough. "Did the pig fall onto his hip or break his leg in the fall?" "Oh, no, she was fine! Then about a year after that," the farmer says, "The wood stove caught our house on fire, middle of the night! That pig saved us! She got out of the pen, broke down the front door and woke us all up, helped us get out safely, then run a message to our neighbors to call the fire department! Saved the outbuildings and barns, she did!" "Did she get burned at all, or hurt in the fire?" the reporter asked. "No, she's a tough one, she was fine!
Then just oh, bout a year ago, my son was riding out on the bluff there, when a snake spooked the horse. He was galloping towards the cliffs, out of control, when the pig jumped the pen, raced and caught up to the horse and got it turned at the last minute!! Killed that damn snake too, while she was trotting home. My wife saw the whole damn thing!" The reporter is writing furiously, and asks, "Did the snake bite the pig, or the horse happen to kick the pig?" "Oh, no, that's a tough gal right there, she was fine!"
"Well," says the reporter, "I want to hear the story of how she lost her leg!" The farmer scratches his head and says, "When you got a pig this good, you don't want to eat it all at once!"
EDIT Page breaks:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4onl54/i_have_never_seen_my_all_time_favorite_joke_here/
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Why do men like breasts so much?

They prove men can concentrate on two things at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4onkj6/why_do_men_like_breasts_so_much/
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I poured my root beer...

... into a square cup, now I'm left with only beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4onk8a/i_poured_my_root_beer/
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A frog goes into a bank...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4onjlr/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
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Moses opens his tablet.

The notification says, "You have 10 unread commandments'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4one4a/moses_opens_his_tablet/
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How much pussy does a Monk get?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oncfb/how_much_pussy_does_a_monk_get/
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A man has a problematically loud voice

He goes to the doctor: WHAT CAN BE DONE!? -Well, says the doctor, I'm afraid your penis is too long and affects your vocal cords and the only treatment is to cut a segment off of your penis. DO IT, I DON'CARE JUST HELP ME!! So they go on with the procedure and everything goes fine and he gains normal voice. The man goes to post operation check and before leaving asks the doctor: -Just out of curiosity, what happened to the part you cut off? -I THREW IT AWAY!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4onb22/a_man_has_a_problematically_loud_voice/
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Could have been a rich man

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over and asked, "What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."
"Yeah, so?" "Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!” -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4on8k5/could_have_been_a_rich_man/
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Just Another Blonde Joke

A guy was sitting on his porch one day when he saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One would dig a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after it was finished. This went on for about 2 hours until he walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?" To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4on7ir/just_another_blonde_joke/
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Motivation

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.
Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"
Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".
Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"
Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"
Manager: "No sir it’s a different cow every time."
Man looks back to wife: "You see!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4on48i/motivation/
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Knock! Knock!

Who's there?
I eat map.
I eat map who?
*My job here is done!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4on3jb/knock_knock/
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I have had sex with so many other men this week

I can't keep em all straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omyhq/i_have_had_sex_with_so_many_other_men_this_week/
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What does an electrician say when he's confused?

Watt?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omssk/what_does_an_electrician_say_when_hes_confused/
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

I heard it's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omshs/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
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Do you want to make a small fortune?

Start with a large fortune and open a restaurant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oms9w/do_you_want_to_make_a_small_fortune/
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Why did jimmy eat his Homework?

Because the previous day, the teacher told her students; "Don't worry guys, it's gonna be a piece of cake".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omqz1/why_did_jimmy_eat_his_homework/
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omqfi/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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What do Dale Earnhardt and Adolf Hitler have in common?

They both died before finishing a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ompv2/what_do_dale_earnhardt_and_adolf_hitler_have_in/
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Did you hear about the Chinese brother's that tried to start a German Empire?

Turns out two Wongs don't make a Reich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ompmz/did_you_hear_about_the_chinese_brothers_that/
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What did the tin man say after he was ran over by a steamroller?

"Curses! Foil again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omowj/what_did_the_tin_man_say_after_he_was_ran_over_by/
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What did the acorn say when it grew up?

Geometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omk7d/what_did_the_acorn_say_when_it_grew_up/
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What's big, yellow, and can't swim?

A school bus full of children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omj66/whats_big_yellow_and_cant_swim/
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10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar...

10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omiup/10_27_28_30_32_walk_into_a_bar/
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Three Amish ladies are in a field picking potatoes

Their husbands names are Jake, Jacob and Jakey. They would always get confused. So one day they decided to nickname them. Mabel said "lets name them after soda pop", the other two said "what do you mean?". Mabel said she would go first and said " I'll call my Jacob 7-Up because he has 7 inches and its always up". Oh the other two loved this idea. So Ella went next and said "I'll call my Jake Mountain Dew because he takes me to the mountain and he sure can do me." And they laughed. The last lady, Margaret, thinks a minute and said "I'll call my husband Jack Daniels." Mabel responded "That's not a soda pop, that's a liquor."    "That's my Jakey!!!!" exclaimed Margaret.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omiog/three_amish_ladies_are_in_a_field_picking_potatoes/
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I like my women like I like my reality shows...

...Naked and Afraid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omh4u/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_reality_shows/
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I met a pretty girl.

Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omfwd/i_met_a_pretty_girl/
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My friends tell me I'm condescending

Condescending is when you talk down to people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omf3d/my_friends_tell_me_im_condescending/
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Political Correctness has gone mad...

You can't even say "Black paint" anymore, you have to say "Jamal would you please kindly help me paint my fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omd65/political_correctness_has_gone_mad/
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I'm dying, call me an Ambulance.

Dad: Okay Dying, you're an ambulance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omd4j/im_dying_call_me_an_ambulance/
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A teacher in class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omd3z/a_teacher_in_class/
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How do you hydrate a 2 year old at Disney World?

Gatorade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omcm7/how_do_you_hydrate_a_2_year_old_at_disney_world/
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Three men are waiting to get into heaven...

And St. Peter stops them at the gate and says, "I'm sorry we're almost at our quota of people we're going to let into heaven today, so only the man who had the worst time getting here is going to get in. "
The first man steps up and says, "That has to be me. I came home from work early and I could clearly hear the sounds of my girlfriend cheating on me through my apartment door. I rushed in and after some searching found the culprit hanging by his hands from the balcony. I don't know what came over me, but I shoved the refrigerator out of the kitchen, over to the balcony and over the edge. It took out the man, but my leg became tangled up in the cord and pulled me over with it."
St. Peter listens intently, "Wow you certainly did have a rough time getting here."
The second man pipes up, "I was working out on the balcony of my apartment when I heard a domestic dispute in the unit below. I leaned over to see if I could hear more and lost my balance and fell over. I managed to grab hold of the railing below me, and before I can climb to safety a refrigerator comes over the edge and I fell to my death."
St. Peter nods again, "That's even more unfortunate that the last fellow." He turns to the third man, "I suppose you have a story to top that?"
And the third man replies, "So picture this, I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4omc0x/three_men_are_waiting_to_get_into_heaven/
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What's an Ancient Roman's favorite sex position?

LXIX.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oma3k/whats_an_ancient_romans_favorite_sex_position/
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A zoophile, a necrophile, a sadist, a masochist, and a pyromaniac....

are all waiting at the bus stop for the bus to take them to the mental institution.
The zoophile says: "I'm bored. Let's fuck a cat!"
The sadist says: "Let's fuck a cat, then kill it!"
The necrophile says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, and then fuck it again!"
The pyromaniac says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, fuck it again, and then set it on fire!"
The masochist says: "Meow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4om7t5/a_zoophile_a_necrophile_a_sadist_a_masochist_and/
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What do you call two crows?

Attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4om54u/what_do_you_call_two_crows/
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Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby.

Apparently that is not allowed if the baby is yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4om4dz/asked_to_switch_seats_on_the_plane_because_i_was/
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Two gay men are travelling on a plane

Steve and Bill.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4om1ms/two_gay_men_are_travelling_on_a_plane/
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The Priest and Half a Lemon

There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath. After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
- Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger's hand and immediately he asked:
- Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn't in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn't even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
- Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon.
- Don't mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! - by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn't follow because he couldn't swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km's away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man:
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger:
- Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? - the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn't care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard.
- Priest, please be good... - the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked:
- Son, why do you need it for God's sake? - the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village's locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time.
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
- There you go, son - handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger's arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked:
- But what do you need it for?! - panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest's hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest's face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest's fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked:
- Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I'm very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it?
- All right, priest ... - came the answer in a trembling tone - I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone.
The priest was good, and never told anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4om0z7/the_priest_and_half_a_lemon/
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An 80 year old couple are talking with each other

"I've heard your memory is the first to go in old age," says the old man.
"I've heard your hearing is the first to go," says the old woman.
"What did you say?" he asks.
"I can't remember," she says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4olzl2/an_80_year_old_couple_are_talking_with_each_other/
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I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"

..."Well I'm your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4olyni/i_went_for_a_job_interview_today_and_the_manager/
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Q.When do you kick a midget in the balls?

A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oltj0/qwhen_do_you_kick_a_midget_in_the_balls/
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There's a bar on top of a really, really high building

and it's very windy outside, so it is swaying back and forth.
A guy walks into the bar and has some drinks and is there for a few hours.
Another guy comes and sits next to him.
The first guy who has been there for a while looks at the man and says to him, "You know that there is a nice breeze outside and if you jump out it will blow you right back in."
The second guy doesn't agree and tells him to prove it. So, the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in.
The second guy asks him to do it one more time. So, the first guy jumps out and the nice breeze takes him right back into the bar.
At this time the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death.
The bartender turns to the first guy and says, "Superman, your an asshole when your drunk!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4olrg4/theres_a_bar_on_top_of_a_really_really_high/
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What did the dick say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm going in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ollof/what_did_the_dick_say_to_the_condom/
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This guy just threw milk on me!

How dairy....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4olkx3/this_guy_just_threw_milk_on_me/
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Parkinson's

My friend asked me the other day if I had any advice for dealing with Parkinson's, apparently 'just shake it off' wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4olget/parkinsons/
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Me: Time travel

Interviewer: what's your biggest stren- holy shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4olg7y/me_time_travel/
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A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell

. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity.
But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.”
So, the Devil cranked up the heat and humidity even more, but the man just took off his coat, smiled again, and said, "Well, this is just like Chicago in the summer."
Getting angry now, the Devil put the heat and humidity to the highest possible setting; however, yet again, the man just smiled, took off his shirt and tie, and said, “Ahhhh! Good old August Chicago heat!”
Enraged, the Devil was about to seek an even hotter inferno but then got an idea…
He shut off the heat to the man’s room and instead turned on the air conditioner. Within seconds, the room was frozen solid, colder than anything the man had ever experienced during his time on Earth.
Confident he had finally gotten the best of the man, the devil walked away to take care of other matters. He returned several hours later only to find the man cheering wildly and dancing around.
“What the HELL are you DOING?!?!” The Devil roared.
"Celebrating!” The man shouted back. “The Cubs won the World Series! The Cubs won the World Series!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4olg0a/a_wicked_man_who_lived_in_chicago_died_and_went/
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I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4olcyo/i_just_installed_a_new_app_on_my_phone_that_lets/
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How are wives like cholesterol?

If you ignore them for too long they'll probably end up killing you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ola6r/how_are_wives_like_cholesterol/
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Why did George Washington leave office after his second term.

He wanted to set a president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ol9s7/why_did_george_washington_leave_office_after_his/
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To Absent Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together. 'The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, ' he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ol9kl/to_absent_brothers/
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If Ice Cube and Snoop Dogg adopted a child...

they could call it Slush Puppy :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ol86x/if_ice_cube_and_snoop_dogg_adopted_a_child/
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During the collapse of the Soviet Union...

... An elderly woman is surveyed by the government to conclude what the state of mind of the populous is.
**Survey man**: Where were you born?
**Woman**: St. Petersburg
**Survey man**: Where do you live now?
**Woman**: Leningrad
**Survey man**: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
**Woman**: St. Petersburg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ol4kb/during_the_collapse_of_the_soviet_union/
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Neck Collar

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.
She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally.
To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady.
The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see... she caught you at it, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ol3w2/neck_collar/
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What do you call a smart Blonde?

A Golden Retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ol3lc/what_do_you_call_a_smart_blonde/
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Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims.
They go through 50 stories in just a few seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ol1yc/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
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Why doesn't the GOP establishment want Trump as their nominee?

They hate colored people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4okz8b/why_doesnt_the_gop_establishment_want_trump_as/
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Knowing the Difference

Joey married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honor," Joey started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce." he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4okyn9/knowing_the_difference/
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Why did Hitler REALLY kill himself?

He got his gas bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4okxm2/why_did_hitler_really_kill_himself/
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What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4okwib/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
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Bill works at a pickle factory...

He's worked there for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible compulsion at work. He has an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed and vows to overcome this desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife instantly seeing that he is not well asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember that I told you how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "Oh Bill, you didn't!"
"Yes, I did."
"My god, Bill. What happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oktji/bill_works_at_a_pickle_factory/
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An Excited Bride & Groom

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blowjob I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blowjob of my entire life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oktec/an_excited_bride_groom/
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A husband wants to please his wife...

A husband was sitting at the bar talking to the bartender.
"I really want to please my wife, but after years of marriage I'm just not attracted to her anymore. I'm still in love with her, but it's tough to have sex with her."
The bartender replies, "Get as drunk as you can, then take a cab home, hop into bed with her and screw her brains out."
So, the husband gets trashed and catches a cab home. He runs up to bed and starts making love to his wife like he's never done before. She's moaning and groaning while he's giving it to her good. The best sex they've ever had. They finally stop and he gets up to use the restroom. As he turns on the light he sees his wife sitting on the toilet.
She yells at him, "Will you be quiet, you're going to wake up grandma!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4okofz/a_husband_wants_to_please_his_wife/
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A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into Hooters Resto-Bar.

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into  Hooters Resto-Bar.
The place was hopping with music &  loud conversation -- and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers!
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?'
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, a little later the lights went momentarily out, again!
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stood up to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out ...!!!! now ....how about that drink.....??????'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4okmsu/a_nun_badly_needing_to_use_to_the_restroom_walked/
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My friend, Power, is always tired

That's because his boss makes him work overtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4okjvq/my_friend_power_is_always_tired/
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I only date black chicks

cause I hate meeting fathers..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4okg4g/i_only_date_black_chicks/
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Husband: Guests are coming tonight.

What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."
*Guest arrives*
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
* loud sound comes from the kitchen *
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4okfos/husband_guests_are_coming_tonight/
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How many Hitlers does it take to change a light bulb?

Nein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4okb3t/how_many_hitlers_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

And that's why Steve Jobs died of cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4okap7/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away/
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I don't trust stairs...

They always look like they're up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ok56o/i_dont_trust_stairs/
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If Trump replaces Obama in the white house, then we can all say...

Orange is the new Black.
Thanks, ~~I'll see myself out.~~ Apparently, I don't need to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ok4tt/if_trump_replaces_obama_in_the_white_house_then/
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There was once a group of Friars

Who began selling flowers instead of cheese. They found great success in this new calling, so much they were putting a local florist shop out of business.
The local florists were angry and decided to hire thugs to intimidate the friars into ceasing their flower sales. Thug after thug, no one was able to stop these men of God - until a man named Hugh made the friars scurry away from the town entirely!
This important story teaches us a valuable lesson: only Hugh can stop Florist Friars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ok3fx/there_was_once_a_group_of_friars/
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Disney shouldn't have to post warning signs

Don't their gators make a ticking sound as they approach?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ok000/disney_shouldnt_have_to_post_warning_signs/
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How did the Sex Ed teacher explain buttsex to her students?

She used an analogy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ojytw/how_did_the_sex_ed_teacher_explain_buttsex_to_her/
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April fool!

While at work, right in a quite important meeting of some sort, Rick's mobile phone rings. Anxious because he knows what might be the reason behind this call, he answers the phone, only to jump up some seconds later, breathlessly take his coat and hat, squeaking some excuses to his smiling boss, hastily making for the exit of his office building. He finds a cab, jumps in and tells the driver to hit it, right to St. Helens Hospital, where his wife was delivering their first baby.
Arriving at the hospital, he runs to the front desk, gets his directions and jumps up the stairs to the maternity ward. Right as he is coming out of the stairwell, he sees a nurse coming out of the delivery room at the end of the corridor, with a tiny bundle in her arms.
As he is immediately sure this must be his baby, he starts beaming and swiftly walking towards the nurse. Noticing him, she also puts on a radiant smile and casually breaks one of the baby's tiny arms.
Rick stops mortified, not able to say anything, when the nurse again smiles her fantastic smile and starts twisting the small leg peeking out of the bundle. She continues to take the baby's head, acting as if she wanted to break the little's neck. Rick, coming back to his senses, starts running and screaming, only to see the nurse snap the thin neck while winking and smiling.
"Oh my god, what on earth are you doing to my baby?!", he screams in horror, ready to attack her, before she stops him with a contagious little laughter: "April fool!", she says, "It was already dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ojxgp/april_fool/
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate. However, as the Mufti spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mufti looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Mufti pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Mufti pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Mufti was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God!  Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He beat me at every move and I could not continue!"
Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd won. "I haven't a clue," the Mufti said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!"" And then what?" asked someone, "Who knows?" said the Mufti. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ojxcr/several_centuries_ago_the_pope_decreed_that_all/
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I sent an Adele album to a guy who bought it on eBay, anyway his payment cancelled and I'm out of pocket ....

Should I just give up or should I keep on chasing payments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ojxap/i_sent_an_adele_album_to_a_guy_who_bought_it_on/
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A man has been found guilty of overusing commas

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ojx17/a_man_has_been_found_guilty_of_overusing_commas/
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How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?

thbjgctr[HUV93tqwbhj4yui89 4ruq9-tyq3t9qp36crioedfh qweoyq9f7ewr y9p7q8tr q37902t 4047yq3rqwrqorgq rp8oqgrqo8g8owg fp8ewfg o8wegf ofhu prhq439pyr q4t83q[i09[fi0a[fdshv payuhieyu463wsur58ry r927ct9y1y9f38qepw0t7f8qeje278ee0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ojs7d/how_many_wipes_does_it_take_to_clean_a_keyboard/
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What did German kids get for Christmas during th holocaust?

Easy Bake Ovens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ojmso/what_did_german_kids_get_for_christmas_during_th/
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I can sneak in an Uptown Funk reference here. Don't believe me?

Just watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ojkfi/i_can_sneak_in_an_uptown_funk_reference_here_dont/
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Disney is releasing an alternate version of its latest film for the Indian audience where Nemo's father starts looking for a bride for his son.

It's called Finding Dowry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ojdov/disney_is_releasing_an_alternate_version_of_its/
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The Fruedan Slit

Not sure if I have shared this here, but it's one of my all time favourites and another I read just reminded me of this....
Two guys sit next to each other in business class and immediately realise that they each have a fresh black eye...
"How did you get that black eye?" asks the first.
"Oh, I made a freudian slip at the ticket office..." said the other. Noticing his new acquaintance was confused, he elaborated, "it's kind of when you say what you thinking instead of what's appropriate."
Sensing his new mate had no idea, he went into detail:
"Ok, so I go to the ticket office and this attractive girl is there, amazing knockers, instead of saying 'ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally say 'picket to tittsburgh' and that's when she slapped me."
"Ah, that makes sense," says the first, "mine is then also from a Fruedian slip. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'please pass the salt' and what came out was 'you ruined my life, you bitch'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ojdbh/the_fruedan_slit/
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Mom, are you okay?

A guy had a blind date last night. But he was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.
Turns out, There's an app for that.
It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.
If you like her, you ignore it.
If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"
It works every time.
So he knocked on the girl's door. Turns out he needn't have worried.
She was gorgeous!
He couldn't get over how attractive she was.
Just as he was about to speak to her, her phone rang.
She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oj9up/mom_are_you_okay/
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You should never have sex with anyone in your family...

Even if they inceest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oj7og/you_should_never_have_sex_with_anyone_in_your/
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There are so many closet gay muslims,

Isis just invaded Narnia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oj72e/there_are_so_many_closet_gay_muslims/
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What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oj6w8/what_does_a_clock_do_when_its_hungry/
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What is a mummies favorite genre of music?

Wrap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oj684/what_is_a_mummies_favorite_genre_of_music/
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Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.
As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.
Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to ask what's wrong.
"Excuse me, Son? Why are you crying?" He asks gently.
The boy wipes away his tears and replies, "Oh, there's just a lot of things going wrong in my life right now. I'm sorry if I bothered you."
Mr. Smith takes note of the boy's politeness, "Is there anything I can do to help? Why don't you tell me what's going on..."
With that the boy breaks down and sobs.
He starts going on and on about his troubles.
His mother is dying of cancer and can't work.
They can't afford the medicine to manage her symptoms.
They haven't eaten in days.
Not even an hour ago the boy had been caught dumpster diving behind a restaurant for food and was caned by the owner.
He tried to go home to his mother but when he got there he saw an eviction notice on the door and he just couldn't bring himself to go inside and give her the news.
Everything was just falling apart and he couldn't take it.
"So I came here and just cried," he finished.
Mr. Smith was shocked.
Of all the people he could have encountered he encountered this boy.
He could solve this boy's problems with a single check.
But Mr. Smith was a firm believer in earning what you got no matter what it was.
As the boy continued to cry, Mr. Smith looked out to the water...
"Son," Mr. Smith began, "What's your name?"
"My name is Johnny." The boy said.
"Johnny, you see that ship out there," he said gesturing to a ship about a mile out from the dock, "I'll make you a deal. If you can swim out to that ship, climb up the mast and wave to me I will write you a check for one million dollars."
Johnny was awestruck. "You really mean it?"
"Absolutely." Mr. Smith confirmed.
Johnny dove into the water without a word and swam like a madman.
Mr. Smith watched with a smile on his face but his smile faded when Johnny turned around and came back.
When Johnny reached the dock he explained he got too tired too quickly and knew he wouldn't make it.
"Well that's ok, Johnny. Tomorrow let's meet here, same time, and you can try again."
The next day they met and Johnny tried but once again he got fatigued and had to turn back.
Mr. Smith asked him if he'd eaten anything and Johnny told him he hadn't.
With that, Mr. Smith gave him some money for a small meal and told him tomorrow was his last day in town so if he was going to succeed it had to be then.
The next day Mr. Smith arrived and Johnny was waiting at the dock with a smile on his face. "You all fed and ready?" Mr. Smith asked.
"Yes, Sir" said Johnny.
And Johnny dove into the water.
This time he was swimming a bit slower.
He seemed to be pacing himself.
Mr. Smith watched Johnny get further and further and his smile grew and grew.
What a perfect end to a perfect trip.
He was going to make a difference in this boy's life.
Johnny made it to the ship.
Mr. Smith watched him climb up the mast.
Johnny held on with one hand and reached the other out and started to wave victoriously but suddenly he lost his grip!
Johnny slipped and fell from the top of the mast all the way down to the ship below with a loud thud that echoed in the distance...
But Johnny was ok, know why?
...
...
...
...
...
He was used to hardships...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oj39j/mr_smith_a_very_wealthy_man/
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On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla....

How shitty of a parent are you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oixux/on_a_scale_of_alligator_to_gorilla/
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What do you call an Italian with two broken hands?

Mute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oiwqq/what_do_you_call_an_italian_with_two_broken_hands/
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I used to work in food service, now I work in IT

The biggest difference is the phrase "My server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oiurv/i_used_to_work_in_food_service_now_i_work_in_it/
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How do cows do math?

A cow-culator.
haha haha ha ... ok, I'll leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oiuml/how_do_cows_do_math/
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What’s the difference between men and women when watching video?

The phrase “I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film.” usually has a completely different meaning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oitei/whats_the_difference_between_men_and_women_when/
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Two elderly ladies are smoking outside

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms. When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having sex. He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job. She reply "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oimuc/two_elderly_ladies_are_smoking_outside/
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Women are always complaining about wanting a boyfriend...

And when I offer they act all repulsed and tell me to get out of their house before they call the cops for breaking in, women am I right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oimkg/women_are_always_complaining_about_wanting_a/
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96.86% of pastries are

not πs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oim88/9686_of_pastries_are/
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Why do many people call my penis the 'Big Mac'?

Because it doesn't look as good or as big as it did in the adverts.
:(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oigsm/why_do_many_people_call_my_penis_the_big_mac/
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What do you call Japanese people that fly planes?

Pirates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oigqo/what_do_you_call_japanese_people_that_fly_planes/
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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oifkh/10_husbands_still_a_virgin/
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A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning....

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oiewj/a_student_at_a_management_school_came_up_to_a/
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There is a thin line between a numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oidwh/there_is_a_thin_line_between_a_numerator_and/
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So, my wife installed Windows 10 on my desktop.

That's it. That's the joke. Now I have to wipe the hard drive and reload everything.
!&÷$#*choice_words♡*!@#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oibct/so_my_wife_installed_windows_10_on_my_desktop/
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Couple claiming Virginity:

Girl:If this Is your 1st time,then how did u do it so well?
Boy:If this Is your 1st time,then how do u know that i did well???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oi52m/couple_claiming_virginity/
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How tall is a penguin?

A man rushes into a bar and screams at the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"
The bartender looks at him weirdly and says, "Excuse me?"
The man repeats, "How tall is a penguin?"
The bartender motions with his hands. "Uh, about this high."
The color drains from the man's face as he says, "Oh shit I just ran over a nun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ohtwu/how_tall_is_a_penguin/
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Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ohsi1/deaf_sex/
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Do you want me to stop or just slow down

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ohrrk/do_you_want_me_to_stop_or_just_slow_down/
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WTF fact- pigeons die when they have sex

At least the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oho5u/wtf_fact_pigeons_die_when_they_have_sex/
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A Jewish boy asks his dad for $50

His dad then asks, "$30? What do you need $20 for?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ohnqj/a_jewish_boy_asks_his_dad_for_50/
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I wanted to submit a Indian sports joke...

But all it got was crickets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ohmmf/i_wanted_to_submit_a_indian_sports_joke/
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I'm bad at delivering jokes...

The doctor that delivered me was great at it though!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ohlot/im_bad_at_delivering_jokes/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ohlmu/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
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Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they were always saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ohlkb/why_did_mozart_kill_his_chickens/
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I heard Hotel California for the 6th time on the radio during my cross country road trip.

You can change the station any time you like, but the song never leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ohhaz/i_heard_hotel_california_for_the_6th_time_on_the/
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Irony

Is getting pregnant on a pull out couch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ohgaf/irony/
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You know what they call the strategy involving freshmints while playing a game of timed tic tac toe?

The tic tac tick tick tic tac toe tactic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ohg3u/you_know_what_they_call_the_strategy_involving/
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What do you call an adopted ghost?

Transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ohg3r/what_do_you_call_an_adopted_ghost/
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People act surprised when I tell them my grandfather survived the holocaust.

Most of the guards survived didn't they?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ohanz/people_act_surprised_when_i_tell_them_my/
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A newlywed wife gets frustrated.

After all, she's been married to her husband for a couple of weeks now, but, he still didn't seem to do his duties in the bedroom, which naturally caused the poor woman to get really cranky about it. So she one evening gives her husband an ultimatum. "Either we're having sex tonight, or I'm going out and grabbing the first man I come across for it!" Her husband calmly replies "Care to grab one for me, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oh9tz/a_newlywed_wife_gets_frustrated/
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Make love not war...

Or do both - get married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oh9qa/make_love_not_war/
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A guy goes into a sperm bank...

Wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He points the gun at the receptionist and says "go grab me some sperm from the back!"
The frightened receptionist runs to the back and brings back a few containers.
He points the gun at her and says "drink it!"
She says "drink it? But... Why? Don't you want money or something?" To which he yells back, "drink it!"
She downs the whole thing and the guy takes off his mask revealing it to be the woman's husband. He smiles and says "see honey, it's not so bad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oh96e/a_guy_goes_into_a_sperm_bank/
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Why should you always wash your delicate undergarments separate from your socks?

To prevent yourself from getting athletes crotch !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oh91s/why_should_you_always_wash_your_delicate/
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I don't like working at the IRS

It's incredibly taxing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oh7xc/i_dont_like_working_at_the_irs/
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How do you tell the difference from a guy's chromosome and a girl's chromosome?

You pull down their gene's and have a look!
Credit:
I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oh6bf/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_from_a_guys/
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An older minister sat in the congregation of a younger colleagues church as he noticed fellow church goers falling asleep during the sermon.

The younger minister notices this as well. And so he says to his congregation, "For many years of my life I have been in the arms of another woman other than my wife."
The congregation stirred and gasped as they paid more attention to get the full shocking story.
"It was my mother!" He finished.
The older minister was very impressed with the mans tactic to get the congregation to wake up and pay attention and decided to use it in his next sermon.
And so when he saw his congregation nodding off during his next sermon, he began, "For many years I was in the arms of another woman other than my wife."
Sure enough the congregation got excited about the drama unfolding before them.
The old minister continued. "I cant remember who it was now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oh5tr/an_older_minister_sat_in_the_congregation_of_a/
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Long joke A Newly wed couple are in their hotel room...

This is the first time they will see each other naked. So the new husband takes of his pants and throws them at his new wife. " here put these on" he says. The wife grabbed the pants and thought it was a weird request but did it anyways. The new husband was a big burly fella so the pants where very loose on her. " I can't fit into your pants" she said giggly. To that he replies "that's right and don't you forget that." The wife irritated by that takes of her panties and throws them at him and says " here put these on" well he tries but he can only get one leg since he is a big guy. " I can't get into your panties" he says. To that she answers " THAT'S RIGHT AND WITH THAT ATTITUDE YOU NEVER WILL!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oh5l7/long_joke_a_newly_wed_couple_are_in_their_hotel/
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What's the difference between ISIS and a piece of shit?

I don't know any difference either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oh5a2/whats_the_difference_between_isis_and_a_piece_of/
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What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?

The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oh44s/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_man_and_a/
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A QA engineer walks into a bar, and orders a beer.

Then he orders 0 beers.
Then he orders 999999999999 beers.
Then he orders an aardvark.
Then he orders nothing.
Then he orders -1 beers.
Then he orders NULL beers.
Then he orders asnwikfjsdf.
Then he orders a "><script>give_me_your_credit_card()</script>.
Finally, the QA engineer leaves without paying, comes back, and asks for the tab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oh40o/a_qa_engineer_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
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15 year olds be like

I remember 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oh3er/15_year_olds_be_like/
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An interuptted joke from Curb your Enthusiasm season 9...

In honour of the announcement of a new season of Curb I was watching season 9 and in episode three Larry starts telling the following joke but gets interrupted by Suzie. I found it in its full form and thought I'd share it..
Mrs. Johnson goes to a brand-new gynecologist. He examines her.
He says, "My God, Mrs. Johnson, that is the hugest vagina I have ever, ever seen."
When she gets home, she decides to have a look for herself. She takes down a huge mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all of her clothes, and stands on the mirror. She's just about to look down when her husband walks in early from work.
He says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "Ummm...I'm just exercising."
He says, "Well, be careful not to fall in the hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oh2k3/an_interuptted_joke_from_curb_your_enthusiasm/
%
The Brothel Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff".
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have thebird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, newmadam" .
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then foundit kind of amusing.
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls".
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oh162/the_brothel_parrot/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and lintel?

I've never had a lintel on my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ogy80/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_lintel/
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Two condoms are walking down the street...

...they pass a gay bar and one turns to the other and says, "wanna go in there and get shitfaced?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ogry6/two_condoms_are_walking_down_the_street/
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Bubba wants to be a Lumberjack

Bubba is a good old boy from Texas who visits Alaska and is amazed at the size of Alaska. He visits a lumber camp and wants to be a Lumberjack he tells the foreman. The boys have a little fun with Bubba and they tell him you have to pass 3 tests. Test one is to chop a hole in the frozen lake and swim for 5 minutes. Test 2 is kill a grizzly bear with your bare hands. Test 3 is to go into town and make love to Nanuck the Eskimo woman. Where is the lake? and they point him down the hill. He comes back 10 minutes later and asked Where's the bear? They point up into the hills. Bubba comes back 2 weeks later beat up and black and blue from head to toe. Bubba said" Where's the Eskimo you want me to kill?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ogpoo/bubba_wants_to_be_a_lumberjack/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ogp6f/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
Do you have oxygen and potassium?

Because you seem OK.
I'm not sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ogngi/do_you_have_oxygen_and_potassium/
%
A lesbian tried to hit on me today, so I let her know that I was straight.

She told me, "Spaghetti is straight too, till it gets wet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ogkrb/a_lesbian_tried_to_hit_on_me_today_so_i_let_her/
%
Darling, what does pedophile mean?

I'll tell you when you're older.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ogivk/darling_what_does_pedophile_mean/
%
When I told my friend how my dad drowned in the longest river on earth, he didn't belive me.

He was in denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ogh19/when_i_told_my_friend_how_my_dad_drowned_in_the/
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I'm acutely dyslexic and often forget my route home. AMA!

Sorry, wrong bus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ogey3/im_acutely_dyslexic_and_often_forget_my_route/
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I measured my penis today and it said 11.7 inches.

Then I realized the ruler was backwards.
Credit to /u/TodoJaw21

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ogchn/i_measured_my_penis_today_and_it_said_117_inches/
%
I'm torn about whether masturbation is good or not

On one hand it feels really good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ogban/im_torn_about_whether_masturbation_is_good_or_not/
%
Archaeologists have discovered a mummy in Egypt encased in chocolate and surrounded by hazelnuts

They are calling it "The Pharaoh Rocher"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4og9jq/archaeologists_have_discovered_a_mummy_in_egypt/
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Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

Because all the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4og7o4/why_are_redneck_murders_so_hard_to_solve/
%
What do you call a virgin in West Virginia?

An only child....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4og641/what_do_you_call_a_virgin_in_west_virginia/
%
Why isn't there a Price is Right porn yet?

Nobody's willing to cum on down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4og4xk/why_isnt_there_a_price_is_right_porn_yet/
%
Don't die a virgin

Because there are terrorists waiting for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4og12l/dont_die_a_virgin/
%
Arent a donut and a danish the same thing?

Well they are both synonym rolls!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofzxb/arent_a_donut_and_a_danish_the_same_thing/
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I work at a restaurant and one of the chefs there is both dyslexic and epileptic.

Ended up sending out a chicken seizure salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofztz/i_work_at_a_restaurant_and_one_of_the_chefs_there/
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Me: "Siri, why am I single?"

Siri: *opens front face camera*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofypg/me_siri_why_am_i_single/
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My First Job

My grandfather and uncle used to own a butcher shop. When I was about 16, my grandfather passed away and my uncle needed someone to help out around the shop. The main reason he brought me on is that he's around 5'3" and I'm over 6' tall. It meant I was able to reach a lot of the stuff he couldn't.
Well, one day, he asks me to go into the back and check on some of the meat on the upper shelves. Now, I always had trouble reaching those, but I'd never admit it. He'd always crack jokes when I wasn't tall enough to do something, so I just refused. He insisted that I had to go check the meat since he couldn't. Again, I refused.
Finally, he says, "It's because you can't reach, right?" I tried to deny it, but he says to me, "$50 says you can't reach that beef." I told him, "I can't take that bet." He asks, "Why not?" I tell him, "The steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofxm6/my_first_job/
%
Somebody finally wrote a book about clock fetishes

It's about fucking time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofxl3/somebody_finally_wrote_a_book_about_clock_fetishes/
%
A soldier walks into a barber shop

and, seeing that both the barbers are busy but there is no-one else waiting, takes a seat. Just as one of the barbers finishes with his customer, in walks an officer. The officer quickly appraises the situation and sits straight down in the one vacant barbers' chair. "An officer on a weekend pass to see his wife takes priority over a private who's going to spend his weekend in a brothel." says the officer. The soldier just shrugs, seeing that the other barber will soon be finished.
The first barber asks the officer how he'd like his hair cut, and the officer says "The neatest short back and sides you can manage. It's important I look my best for my wife, not like some enlisted man spending his weekend in a brothel." So the barber sets to work with his scissors .
By now, the second barber is ready for the private, but he doesn't bother asking the private how he'd like his hair cut, he just quickly sets to work with his clippers.
Once the officer's hair is finished, his barber asks whether he'd like any pomade to dress his hair. "Absolutely not," says the officer. "I wouldn't want to appear in front of my wife smelling like I'd spent my weekend in a brothel."
As the second barber finishes clipping the private's hair cut, he asks him if he'd like anything in his hair. "Why not," says the private, looking over at the officer. "My wife has no idea what the inside of a brothel smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofurr/a_soldier_walks_into_a_barber_shop/
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Why can Stephen Hawking only do one liners

Because he can't do stand ups

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofrjh/why_can_stephen_hawking_only_do_one_liners/
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3.14% of sailors are...

π-rates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofred/314_of_sailors_are/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofqna/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
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Nike and TOMS are embarking on a joint venture...

...for every pair of shoes you buy, they'll donate a pair to the child who made them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofq0j/nike_and_toms_are_embarking_on_a_joint_venture/
%
Did you hear that joke about mosquitoes?

it's malarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofp1k/did_you_hear_that_joke_about_mosquitoes/
%
Xbox One and PS4 Get into a car crash...

And here comes the ambulance "WIIUWIIUWIIUWIIUWIIU"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofnjy/xbox_one_and_ps4_get_into_a_car_crash/
%
My wife suggested that I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.

She's 25 and her name is Kathy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofm6x/my_wife_suggested_that_i_get_myself_one_of_those/
%
Why is the female midsection called the waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofkpx/why_is_the_female_midsection_called_the_waist/
%
Which program do Jedi use to open PDF-files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofikw/which_program_do_jedi_use_to_open_pdffiles/
%
Why am I against Donald Trump's wall idea?

It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofihs/why_am_i_against_donald_trumps_wall_idea/
%
Three blondes walk into a bar

You think one of them would have seen it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofih5/three_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
%
"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Son, some people see God as a man, while others see God as a woman."
"Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Son, some people see God as black, while others see God as white."
"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4off29/daddy_is_god_a_man_or_a_woman/
%
A midget with psychic abilities escaped from prison.

The headline read:
SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofe97/a_midget_with_psychic_abilities_escaped_from/
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What's the hard part about breaking up with a Japanese person?

You have to drop the bomb twice so they get the message

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofdt6/whats_the_hard_part_about_breaking_up_with_a/
%
So my dentist says to me...

So my dentist says to me, "you're the cleanest patient I've had all week!"
Then I respond, "Wow I deserve a plaque!"
This literally just happened. She lost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofcnt/so_my_dentist_says_to_me/
%
Life is like a penis...

simple, relaxed, hanging free,
it's women who make it hard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofcka/life_is_like_a_penis/
%
A black guy walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder

The bartender then says
"Well that's special, where did you get it?"
"Africa" says the parrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofb2i/a_black_guy_walks_into_the_bar_with_a_parrot_on/
%
i wonder if...

a receptionist at a sperm bank ever says "thanks for coming"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofan2/i_wonder_if/
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What's the difference between a good joke and click bait?

This isn't a good joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofali/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
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I bought a parrot at an auction...

I bought a parrot at an auction, hoping that a companion might help me get through some tough times.  The car ride home, the parrot had been quiet and an uneasy tension was building.  Throughout the first night, my parrot remained quiet, but the next morning, I awoke to a machine-gun sequence of swear words, rude insults, and some of the dirtiest jokes I had ever heard.  I was shocked, to say the least.  In an attempt to correct the parrot's behavior, I would read aloud children's books, play Bach and Beethoven over the speakers, and did everything I could to set a calm and relaxing atmosphere.  But it was to no avail.  The parrot remained relentlessly crass, rude, and now, it had even begun talking back and mocking me with every action I took, calling me names.  It was pushing my buttons.  Finally, I was at my last straw, and I began screaming back, trading swear words and scathing insults with this ungrateful excuse of a pet.  But in a sudden moment of clarity, I realized the ridiculousness of this situation and, immediately grabbing the bird by its neck,  placed it in the freezer, with the intent of killing it once and for all.  The parrot kicked and screamed for a good while before the kitchen grew eerily silent.  I slowly opened the freezer to check on my victim, when the parrot flies out calmly, landing on the counter.  The parrot looked up at me and said, "I truly apologize for my behavior.  I realize now I may have been rude and insulting to you, and I will correct my attitude and my behavior from now on."  I was shocked.  Before I could even respond, the bird asked, "So what did the chicken do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4of8ik/i_bought_a_parrot_at_an_auction/
%
A hamburger and some fries walk into a bar

The bartender looks up and says, "we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4of7tm/a_hamburger_and_some_fries_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasaurass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4of73p/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
%
Why was Oedipus against profanity?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4of6ve/why_was_oedipus_against_profanity/
%
Differences between the sexes

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4of4n0/differences_between_the_sexes/
%
Why did the melon leave her boyfriend?

He said he can't elope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4of403/why_did_the_melon_leave_her_boyfriend/
%
America is kind of like testicles

If the right nut can't agree with the left nut. We can't produce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4of23r/america_is_kind_of_like_testicles/
%
What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?

"Supplies!"
I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4of1v2/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumped_out_of/
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Those childhood days(real incident)

I am sharing my childhood event and this makes me laughs hilariously
Teacher (on phone): You say Edward has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4of1l2/those_childhood_daysreal_incident/
%
What did the twin embryos say when they were hungry?

Fetus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4of0zi/what_did_the_twin_embryos_say_when_they_were/
%
New Bull....

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oeugz/new_bull/
%
How many servers does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's not my fucking sidework.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oepew/how_many_servers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Something exciting

The third-grade class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oeorf/something_exciting/
%
A dad says to his son, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating you're gonna go blind!"

The son replies, "Hey Dad, I'm over here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oemqs/a_dad_says_to_his_son_son_if_you_dont_stop/
%
Why don't you take Pokémon to the bathroom with you?

... because they might Pikachu!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oela5/why_dont_you_take_pokémon_to_the_bathroom_with_you/
%
Molestation is no laughing matter.

For most, its a very touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oek82/molestation_is_no_laughing_matter/
%
Say what you will about drag queens...

but they get into more woman's pants than I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oej6o/say_what_you_will_about_drag_queens/
%
A man with no arms and legs on a beach..

A man with no arms and legs is lying on a beach with three beautiful women sitting beside him.
The first comes up and asks "have you ever been hugged?"
He replies "nope" and she hugs him
The second comes up and asks "have you ever been kissed?"
Again he replies "nope" and she hugs him
The third comes up and asks "have you ever been fucked?"
He replies excitedly "no I have not!"
She says " now you are the tides coming in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oeh0q/a_man_with_no_arms_and_legs_on_a_beach/
%
What do you do when your suicidal friend asks for a hi-five?

You leave him hanging....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oegwj/what_do_you_do_when_your_suicidal_friend_asks_for/
%
Little Johnny at Sunday school

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oef2j/little_johnny_at_sunday_school/
%
While digging a hole today I found a bunch of old gold coins.

I ran in to tell my wife.
Then I remembered why I was digging a hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oecxn/while_digging_a_hole_today_i_found_a_bunch_of_old/
%
What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oec46/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
Math is like another language

2n+2n is 4n to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oe8c6/math_is_like_another_language/
%
I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oe6gw/i_spent_a_year_writing_a_romance_novel_where_two/
%
Lawyer and a dog

A man enters a lawyer's office to get some legal advice. He immediately notices that the lawyer is dressed extremely well and is standing in front of a mirror fixing his hair.
The lawyer says "I can't help you right now... I've got another client that keeps having sex with his dog."
The man says "Oh so you need to go bail him out?"
The lawyer says "No I want to meet this dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oe4cm/lawyer_and_a_dog/
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The 2016 Election

The election was in such shambles that none of the US citizens were voting, there was a nation wide boycott of the election.
Since no one was voting there had to be a way to decide who the next president was going to be. It was agreed that a foot race around The Whitehouse would determine the next president. The top three candidates were to race around The Whitehouse.
Up first was Bernie Sanders. Being old and not used to exercising he struggled to get around, but finally posted a time of 12:30.
Next was Donald Trump. He trained his ass off for this and was sure he was going to be the fastest to run around The Whitehouse. He came across the line at a faster 10:30.
Hillary was not going to let Trump beat her. She took off and started hopping fences and trampling flowers in order for her to make sure she had the fastest time. She crossed the line at 9:30.
She walked up to Obama and said have you ever seen a faster time?
He put his arm around her and whispered "Yes, Bush did 9/11"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oe27m/the_2016_election/
%
I can see 4 years into the future!

You can say I have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odzez/i_can_see_4_years_into_the_future/
%
Read it in an Irish accent for full effect !?

Teacher asks her class to give her a sentence containing the word CONTAGIOUS ! Little Mary says, " my mum has flu and it is very contagious " ! "Very good" says the teacher, " what's your sentence Patrick " ? "The Black Plague killed thousands of people because it was contagious " ! " Excellent " says the teacher aware that little Johnny had his hand up ! She couldn't ignore him anymore and eventually asks Johnny what his sentence is ! " Our next door neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious " !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odypm/read_it_in_an_irish_accent_for_full_effect/
%
So I got my blood test results back...

apparently I did good, got an A+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odw53/so_i_got_my_blood_test_results_back/
%
You know what's great about Alice In Chains?

She can't get away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oduwd/you_know_whats_great_about_alice_in_chains/
%
I tried to get my partner to embrace by foot fetish...

...but they were lictose intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odtgi/i_tried_to_get_my_partner_to_embrace_by_foot/
%
What's the difference between a good joke and click bait?

This is click bait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odpwd/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
%
Maria Sharipova has been banned from tennis for 2 years

There's a sign at every court with her mugshot that says "do not serve this woman".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odpqo/maria_sharipova_has_been_banned_from_tennis_for_2/
%
Whats the difference between racism and Asians ?

Racism has many faces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odpe5/whats_the_difference_between_racism_and_asians/
%
My wife and I recently bought a Great Dane, the smell around our house is absolutely disgusting.

Every time he barks I shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odk09/my_wife_and_i_recently_bought_a_great_dane_the/
%
Jim, John, and Jack die, and meet St. Peter at the gates of Heaven.

St. Peter greets them saying, "Welcome to Heaven.  You are free to do as you please, but we have one rule: don't step on a duck."
Amused, the three men laugh and agree.  Once through the pearly gates, they look around them, and the place is positively flooded with ducks.  They're absolutely everywhere, and it isn't long before Jim steps on one.  As punishment, he is chained to an enormous, ugly, smelly woman for all eternity.
John and Jack are more careful, choosing their steps wisely, but after a week or so, John, too, steps on a duck.  St. Peter chains him to a hairy, brutish woman for eternity.
After several careful months, Jack finds himself being chained to a gorgeous blonde.  "Oh, man, this is amazing," says Jack.  "What did I do to deserve this?"
"I don't know about you," the woman replies, "but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odj2m/jim_john_and_jack_die_and_meet_st_peter_at_the/
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Four construction workers on top of a 50 story building are arguing over who has the longest penis...

One of them suggests they unzip and dangle over the side to see who has the longest.
The first guy proudly announces "All the way to the 33rd floor!"
The second guy responds "Ha!, 23rd floor!"
The third guy is smirking, thinking he has everyone beat. "12th floor!"
They notice the fourth guy, wiggling, jumping occasionally, almost looking like he is doing a weird dance.
One of them asks him, "What the hell are you doing?"
"Dodging traffic!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odgyr/four_construction_workers_on_top_of_a_50_story/
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What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team?

The High Five

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odf6x/what_would_you_call_the_fantastic_four_if_snoop/
%
A fly walks into a bar...

and asks: "Is this stool taken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odf1f/a_fly_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Are the readers of this subreddit mostly men?

Who else would consider a couple inches of text to be long?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odezm/are_the_readers_of_this_subreddit_mostly_men/
%
Where was the party-er buried?

A rave-yard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odelu/where_was_the_partyer_buried/
%
Funny One Liner!

If you don't have friends, just tell a woman that you love her and she says that we're just friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odc3o/funny_one_liner/
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Whenever I see Americans make fun of Kim Jong-un, I think to myself

Come on, you're bigger than that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4odbyy/whenever_i_see_americans_make_fun_of_kim_jongun_i/
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whats the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mum cant take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oda13/whats_the_difference_between_3_dicks_and_a_joke/
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They say there's safety in numbers...

Well tell that to 6 million Jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4od6md/they_say_theres_safety_in_numbers/
%
Man's best friend...

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep.
Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual.
Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies.
He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him.
So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate.
As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says: "Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4od4zg/mans_best_friend/
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A man crashed his car

A man crashed his expensive car into a tree... He finally found out how the Mercedes bends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4od3jl/a_man_crashed_his_car/
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Procrastination is like masturbation

It's fun at the time, but in the end you're just fucking yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4od3ey/procrastination_is_like_masturbation/
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The teacher asks little timmy...

..."There are three birds sitting on a tree. If i shoot one of them, how many are left?"
Timmy thinks for a while an says: "None"
The teacher is upset: " No, thats wrong, there are two left. Why do you think none are left?"
"If i shoot at one bird, the other two will usually fly away.", replies Timmy.
"Still wrong Timmy, but i like the way you think".
After class, Timmy walks up to the teacher:
"I have a question for you: There are three women eating icecream. One is licking it,one is biting it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?"
The teacher thinks for a while and says "I think the one sucking it."
Timmy replies: " Thats wrong, it's the one with the ring on her finger. But i like the way you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4od2y2/the_teacher_asks_little_timmy/
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffe before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4od2rb/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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How did the hipster drown?

By swimming in the main stream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4od0bi/how_did_the_hipster_drown/
%
My eyes always hurt whenever I have sex

It's probably the pepper spray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ocu7o/my_eyes_always_hurt_whenever_i_have_sex/
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This pirate

So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks him 'Why in the world do you have a steering wheel in your pants?' The pirate responds 'Argh I don't know but it's been driving me nuts all day.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oct6q/this_pirate/
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I don't trust umbrellas.

They're shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ocsbd/i_dont_trust_umbrellas/
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Dark humor is like food...

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ocro2/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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British Airways bags the best in-flight service award!

On a long haul UK flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him, in five minutes.
However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was.
Meanwhile, a businessman entered the toilet and locked the door.
After the five minutes were up, the mother knocked on the door and called out, "Do you need any help with the zipper?"
From behind the door, a startled male voice said, "Good God!!! That's what I call service!…."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ocqtk/british_airways_bags_the_best_inflight_service/
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What if soy milk...

...is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ocq57/what_if_soy_milk/
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A One Liner

Tried to catch some fog yesterday.....but I mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ocph0/a_one_liner/
%
Easy way to search your wife.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ocjfa/easy_way_to_search_your_wife/
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What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ?

Nobody knows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ocj3h/what_do_you_call_someone_with_no_body_and_just_a/
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HandJob

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ocfmn/handjob/
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A Muslim goes to Heaven and meets Saint Peter at the Gate.

He looks at Peter and says "This has to be a mistake. I demand to see prophet Mohamed right now!"
Saint Peter says "Calm down. Would you like a coffee or a cappuccino or something to drink?"
The Muslim says "No, thanks. But I don't think I'm supposed to be here."
Peter responds "Alright, I'll let you sort this out with the manager here. You can enter until then."
The Muslim enters Heaven which is beautiful. He sees Jesus across the room and goes to talk to him. He says "Hello, sir, are you the manager here?"
Jesus responds "Yes."
The Muslim says "Saint Peter sent me to talk to you, but I need to speak to prophet Mohamed."
Jesus says "Sure, we can talk, but would you like a cappuccino?"
The Muslim says "No, I just don't think this is the right Heaven for me."
Jesus says "You know what, I'll let you address God himself about this."
God appears before the Muslims and asks him "What's wrong, sir?"
The Muslims says "I don't think I ended up where I should, and I'd like to talk to prophet Mohamed."
God, redundantly asks him "Do you want a coffee or a cappuccino?"
The Muslims answers "Fine, I'll have your freaking cappuccino if we can talk!"
God looks across the room and says "Yo, Mohamed, bring us two cappuccinos!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ocejc/a_muslim_goes_to_heaven_and_meets_saint_peter_at/
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What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer?

Gluten tag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4occw2/what_did_one_german_wheat_farmer_say_to_the_other/
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My girlfriend asked me how do i see lesbian relationships

Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ocau8/my_girlfriend_asked_me_how_do_i_see_lesbian/
%
A little boy comes home from school.

Mommy says, "what did you do on the way home from school?" The little boy says, "well, on the way home from school, I cut through the park. And I saw Daddy. He was in a car with Aunt Suzy. And he unbuttoned her shirt, and then he took her bra off, and then..."
Mommy says "hmph, let's save the rest of the story for when Daddy comes home for dinner." The little boy says,"OK Mommy."
Daddy comes home for dinner. Mommy says to the little boy "what did you do on the way home from school?"
The little boy says,"well, on the way home from school, I cut through the park. And I saw Daddy. He was in a car with Aunt Suzy. And he unbuttoned her shirt, and then he took her bra off..."
And Mommy says,"hmph, and then what happened?"
And the little boy says,"and then Daddy and Aunt Suzy started doin' the same thing that you and Uncle Roy did when Daddy was away in the Army!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oc8xm/a_little_boy_comes_home_from_school/
%
Half of men in America watch porn everyday.

The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oc3d4/half_of_men_in_america_watch_porn_everyday/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Nothing, she just gagged a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oc3cq/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Husband - "When I die, i'd like to die having sex."

Wife - "At least we know it'll be quick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oc1zb/husband_when_i_die_id_like_to_die_having_sex/
%
A man gets "I love you" tattooed on his penis.

He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.
She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oc1vx/a_man_gets_i_love_you_tattooed_on_his_penis/
%
Little Timmy was out with his mother

And he sees two women who are arguing. One screams "You bitch!" And the other returns with "You whore!". Timmy asked his mother what these words meant, and his mother, not wanting to say their actual meaning, told him that they were words used to describe women.
He then comes home and goes up to see his dad, who is shaving. His dad cuts himself, and exclaims, "Shit!" Little Timmy asks him what that word means, and his dad says it is another word for shaving.
He then goes to his mother, who is in the kitchen plucking the turkey. She makes a mistake, and shouts, "Fuck!" Timmy asks her the meaning of that word, and his mother says that it is another word for pluck.
The doorbell rang. Little Timmy went to the door, opened it, and saw three women. One asked, "Hi Timmy! Where are your parents?" Timmy replied:
Hello, whores and bitches. My dad is in the bathroom shitting and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oc1ix/little_timmy_was_out_with_his_mother/
%
Did you hear about the couple's resort that burned down?

Not a single person died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oc1b7/did_you_hear_about_the_couples_resort_that_burned/
%
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam...

She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says:
"That's not an excuse. You can use your other hand to take the exam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oc0o7/a_high_school_english_teacher_reminds_her_class/
%
What does a bi-sexual porn star do at work?

Fuck all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4obyx7/what_does_a_bisexual_porn_star_do_at_work/
%
Did you know Jesus was gay?

He was nailed by a bunch of guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4obt2y/did_you_know_jesus_was_gay/
%
A man finds a penguin walking down the street

He grabs the penguin and puts it in his car and starts to speed away when a cop pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the car and asks the man what he's doing with the penguin.
"He was just walking down the road," the man said.
"Well, take him to the zoo and I won't give you a ticket for speeding." The man agrees and drives away.
A week later the cop sees the same man drive by and he still has the penguin in the car. He pulls over the car again and says to the man, "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!?"
"Yes," the man says, " I did. Today we're going to the movies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4obqri/a_man_finds_a_penguin_walking_down_the_street/
%
What do you call a horny cow?

Beef jerky :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4obozk/what_do_you_call_a_horny_cow/
%
Easy way to search your wife.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4obnaa/easy_way_to_search_your_wife/
%
What do you call a confederate that's bleeding out?

A rebel without a gauze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4obl3p/what_do_you_call_a_confederate_thats_bleeding_out/
%
What's green and eats nuts?

Syphillis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4obiom/whats_green_and_eats_nuts/
%
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster farmer and a prostitute with diarrhoea?

The farmer shucks between fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4obimp/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_oyster/
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Best Love Poem Ever? Worked For Me.

Roses are red,
Nuts are brown,
Mouths are wide open
It's the best in town
Girls really love it,
It isn't a sin
So when it goes stiff,
Stick it in.
It goes in dry and comes out wet.
The longer its in the stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping and starts to sag,
Its not what you think...
Its a fucking tea bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4obhnj/best_love_poem_ever_worked_for_me/
%
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it's half empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4obct2/how_is_a_pushup_bra_like_a_bag_of_chips/
%
Running for president

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race and the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Obama comes up with an idea: A Literal Presidential Race.
The three candidates would run a lap around the White House and the person with the best time would become president.
Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes about 24 minutes.
Trump goes next and arrives with a time of 14:26.
Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can, trampling the flowers and shrubs in her way in an effort to beat Trump's time. She finally crosses the finish line at just under ten minutes.
"Aha!" She exclaims, "That must be some kind of record!"
"I don't think so," says Obama, "Bush did 9:11"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4obb10/running_for_president/
%
I want to make an alligator joke...

But I'm afraid I'll get carried away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ob8l9/i_want_to_make_an_alligator_joke/
%
[OC] My therapist asked me what was my earliest erotic remembrance and I told him it was wearing my mother's lingerie when I was a child.

he said it was probably a Freudian slip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ob5lo/oc_my_therapist_asked_me_what_was_my_earliest/
%
What do lawyers wear to court?

Law suits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oaunv/what_do_lawyers_wear_to_court/
%
Bought some sneakers from my drug dealer...

Not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oas8d/bought_some_sneakers_from_my_drug_dealer/
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What's the difference between an "Ooh" and an "Aah"?

About 5 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oarsc/whats_the_difference_between_an_ooh_and_an_aah/
%
Today I spanked the wrong woman at BDSM party

Oops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oar35/today_i_spanked_the_wrong_woman_at_bdsm_party/
%
A guy walks into a brothel with a donkey and a honeycomb

The brothel owner says "Why do you have an jackass? " Guy says, "I have a big farm, I want to trade it for some time with your girls."
Brothel owner says "Okay, why do you have a honeycomb?" Guy says "I have a lot of bees, was hoping to trade it for some food."
Brothel owner says "Why don't you just eat the honeycomb?"
Guy says, "Same reason I brought the jackass, tired of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oakx3/a_guy_walks_into_a_brothel_with_a_donkey_and_a/
%
I guess Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift couldn't keep their relationship...

Loki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oai1j/i_guess_tom_hiddleston_and_taylor_swift_couldnt/
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What is a Siths favorite thing to ride in?

An elevader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oaeo2/what_is_a_siths_favorite_thing_to_ride_in/
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A magician was working on a cruise ship...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean -- with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oac8k/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship/
%
Girl I like keeps putting me in the "dad zone"

Good thing this weekend is Father's Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oa5j0/girl_i_like_keeps_putting_me_in_the_dad_zone/
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You can eat a clock

But it is very time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oa4ho/you_can_eat_a_clock/
%
two guys talking....

Guy one: I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally peed in her. Now she won't talk to me.
Guy two: Sounds like urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oa3r8/two_guys_talking/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar.

One of them says "I'll have H2O"
The second one says "I'll have H2O, too" and giggles.
The bartender sighs, and gives both chemists hydrogen peroxide because he's fucking sick of people pulling that at his bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o9wv1/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
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How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2, but God knows how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o9w6o/how_many_people_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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For me, racism is the same as masturbating.

I don't approve of it, but I'm pretty damn good at it.
(Credits to Ronald Goedemondt)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o9syl/for_me_racism_is_the_same_as_masturbating/
%
What do you call a phallic shaped potato?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o9pz8/what_do_you_call_a_phallic_shaped_potato/
%
Police have just been called to a kindergarten...

...where a three-year-old is resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o9o9t/police_have_just_been_called_to_a_kindergarten/
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Today I masturbated 8 times! A personal record for me...

In my defence Schindler's list was a long film

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o9n5x/today_i_masturbated_8_times_a_personal_record_for/
%
Of all the things "Inside Amy Schumer"...

..why can't any of them be funny?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o9me7/of_all_the_things_inside_amy_schumer/
%
How do you not get Reddit gold?

Like this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o9k4p/how_do_you_not_get_reddit_gold/
%
What's the difference between a good joke and

A bad joke timing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o9g4b/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/
%
Donald Trump wants to ban shredded cheese in the United States.

He wants to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o9dnc/donald_trump_wants_to_ban_shredded_cheese_in_the/
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What does 100% humidity mean?

Even dry farts feel like wet farts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o9cxa/what_does_100_humidity_mean/
%
Doctor Appointment

**Doctor**: I have bad news and worse news; the bad news, you only have 24 hours left to live.
**Guy**: Oh no, how can the other news possibly be worse?
**Doctor**: Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o9clm/doctor_appointment/
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I make you wet and naked people turn me on. What am I?

A shower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o99hn/i_make_you_wet_and_naked_people_turn_me_on_what/
%
What does JCPenny and teenagers have in common?

Pants 50% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o978x/what_does_jcpenny_and_teenagers_have_in_common/
%
What's the difference between Russian football fans and an old drunkard in a bar at closing time?

Kicking the old drunkard out won't start world war III.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o92a4/whats_the_difference_between_russian_football/
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An HR manager was knocked down by a bus...

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”
“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”
“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.
As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.
They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.
Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”
The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”
Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o8z2v/an_hr_manager_was_knocked_down_by_a_bus/
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Why keyboards...

Why keyboards don't sleep?
Because they have two shifts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o8xka/why_keyboards/
%
Sex between 3 people is a threesome, 2 is a twosome...

Does that make me a handsome guy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o8ujd/sex_between_3_people_is_a_threesome_2_is_a_twosome/
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I got a new fridge today.

It's pretty cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o8tsk/i_got_a_new_fridge_today/
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A frog hopped into a bank...

...dressed in a tiny tuxedo and approached the desk of first loan officer he saw.
"Good afternoon, madam. I am Francis the frog and I'd like to take out a $5000 loan."
The loan officer sat stunned for a moment then shrugged and smiled, "I'm Patti Black and I'll be happy to assist you. In order to give out loans we do require a bit of collateral, though."
"Certainly!" Francis replied, producing a a tiny, white elephant from an unseen pocket and placing it upon Patti's desk, "I believe this will qualify."
Patti picked up the trinket and looked it over with a wary eye, "I'll have to talk to my bank manager about this. Please wait here until I return."
Francis gave her a nod and whistled softly to himself as Patti went to the back offices.
She approached her manager's office and knocked on the door. The manager waved her in, "How can I help you, Patti?"
"Well, sir, there's a frog out there who wants to take out a loan but this is all he has for collateral. I'm not sure what it is or what I'm supposed to do with it."
She handed over the tiny elephant statue and the manager examined it closely before handing it back to her with a smile.
"It's a knick-knack, Patti Black, give the frog a loan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o8ssl/a_frog_hopped_into_a_bank/
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My dad was cutting up Onions and I started crying.

Onions was a great dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o8snr/my_dad_was_cutting_up_onions_and_i_started_crying/
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I was going to make a Nazi joke but.

It is out of mein kampfort zone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o8mun/i_was_going_to_make_a_nazi_joke_but/
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What's big and black and excites Reddit admins?

A censorship bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o8mgj/whats_big_and_black_and_excites_reddit_admins/
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I know Muslims can't eat pork.

Islam ok though?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o8kn0/i_know_muslims_cant_eat_pork/
%
They said "orange is the new black"...

...but I didn't realise they meant Trump would replace Obama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o8km8/they_said_orange_is_the_new_black/
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Do you know what really grinds my gears?

Poor clutch control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o8js7/do_you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph?

Because he isn't a full essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o8f4q/why_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget_a_paragraph/
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I'm okay with Trump becoming president

His hands are so tiny, he can't hold a pen to sign any bills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o8dob/im_okay_with_trump_becoming_president/
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Never ever...

Never trust a midget that tells you your wife's hair smells nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o88gw/never_ever/
%
I miss my ex-girlfriend...

I can't seem to hit her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o87af/i_miss_my_exgirlfriend/
%
I was going to bring everyone on reddit some cool plants

but unfortunately, I never botany

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o85pt/i_was_going_to_bring_everyone_on_reddit_some_cool/
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A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three

He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* and he disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o83wu/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
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The way to end up $1 Million using the stock market LEGIT

invest 10 million into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o82ub/the_way_to_end_up_1_million_using_the_stock/
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Curiosity killed the.....

Martian race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o810e/curiosity_killed_the/
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot..

A carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o80mc/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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What is the worst part about the Orlando massacre?

Finding out that your son was gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o7zdn/what_is_the_worst_part_about_the_orlando_massacre/
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Today i made a mistake while sewing.

Oops, wrong thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o7yh8/today_i_made_a_mistake_while_sewing/
%
If I were Mario I'd hang out with Toad all the time

He seems like a real fun guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o7xj0/if_i_were_mario_id_hang_out_with_toad_all_the_time/
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I was going to tell some rabbit jokes

But people tend not to carrot all about them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o7uz1/i_was_going_to_tell_some_rabbit_jokes/
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What's better than winning a silver medal at the Paralympics?

Being able to walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o7rgx/whats_better_than_winning_a_silver_medal_at_the/
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I fucked this retarded chick last night

I wanted my first time to be special

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o7pii/i_fucked_this_retarded_chick_last_night/
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What do you call the Irish guy who always brings flan to the potluck?

Shaun O'flanagan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o7nwz/what_do_you_call_the_irish_guy_who_always_brings/
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There is always a time and a place for decaf coffee

Never, and in the trash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o7nw3/there_is_always_a_time_and_a_place_for_decaf/
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What do you call someone who's representing a bike shop?

A spokesperson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o7njo/what_do_you_call_someone_whos_representing_a_bike/
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There were 500 bricks on a plane...

One fell out. How many were left?
499
What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.
What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.
The lion was having a birthday party and he invited all the animals. They all showed up, except one. Who didn't come?
The giraffe, because he was stuck in a refrigerator.
Sally had to cross a river where alligators lived. There was no boat or bridge, though she was a good swimmer. Why didn't she get eaten?
Because the alligators were all at the lion's birthday party.
However, Sally died anyway. Why?
She got hit by the falling brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o7iul/there_were_500_bricks_on_a_plane/
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They say jokes lessen tragedy

Is that why my parents became comedians after having me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o7isb/they_say_jokes_lessen_tragedy/
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I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn

Doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o7fk0/ive_been_taking_viagra_for_my_sunburn/
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There are three types of people...

People who can count and people who can't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o7eml/there_are_three_types_of_people/
%
Kids walks in on parents having sex

A kid walks by his parents room and sees his parents having sex. The dad notices his son standing there so he just winks and keeps on going. The next day the dad walks by his sons room and sees his son plowing into grandma. The kids turns to his dad and says " not so funny when it's your mom is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o7byi/kids_walks_in_on_parents_having_sex/
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Want to read a great construction joke?

Sorry, I'm still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o763n/want_to_read_a_great_construction_joke/
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I was standing in line at the bank behind a woman in a sleeveless summer dress when I noticed a tattoo across her back between her shoulders.

It was words but words but I couldn't tell what it said. Suddenly she turned around and asked what the hell are you staring at.  I said, "I didn't mean to upset you, I am just not good at reading people".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o73ht/i_was_standing_in_line_at_the_bank_behind_a_woman/
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

because they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o72eu/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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Did you hear about the farmer running the illicit sex ring?

Apparently it was a pig fucking deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o71hx/did_you_hear_about_the_farmer_running_the_illicit/
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What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o70jt/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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Did you hear the joke about the gorilla?

Apparently, it's not for kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o6urd/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_gorilla/
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Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white...

Now it looks like France landed there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o6u31/solar_radiation_has_turned_the_american_flags_on/
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Darth Vader...

Of all the things that Darth Vader lost when the Death Star blew up, it was the destruction of his George Michael box set that affected him most deeply.
He finds his lack of Faith disturbing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o6tq4/darth_vader/
%
A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him. he then calmly orders a beer
bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here" bear: "but I don't do drugs" bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o6sl1/a_bear_goes_into_a_bar/
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o6qvd/you_can_tell_a_lot_about_a_woman_from_her_ankles/
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What do me and my fridge have in common?

Were both empty inside and weigh a tonne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o6qrt/what_do_me_and_my_fridge_have_in_common/
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Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o6ltw/daddy_is_talking_to_the_dumbest_girl_on_the_beach/
%
What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby ?

90 minutes in the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o6ktq/whats_the_difference_between_a_white_baby_and_a/
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A BLONDE'S THEFT

A blonde goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."
The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o6j21/a_blondes_theft/
%
It was an emotional wedding

Even the cake was in tiers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o6eeg/it_was_an_emotional_wedding/
%
How does a black girl know she's pregnant?

When she pulls out her tampon the cotton is already picked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o6apw/how_does_a_black_girl_know_shes_pregnant/
%
Ran into my ex gf today...

I put it in reverse and hit her again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o696i/ran_into_my_ex_gf_today/
%
I decided to switch to a new barber

My current barber just isn't cutting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o67xn/i_decided_to_switch_to_a_new_barber/
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My friend had to go to the doctor, because all he could see were dicks.

Turns out he was cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o655s/my_friend_had_to_go_to_the_doctor_because_all_he/
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What is the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump?

One is a cartoon character with a hot temper and the other is a duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o64nt/what_is_the_difference_between_donald_duck_and/
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What do lawyers wear to court?

Law suits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o627k/what_do_lawyers_wear_to_court/
%
The first rule of tautology club

... is the first rule of tautology club

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o619n/the_first_rule_of_tautology_club/
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Just thought I'd let you know that I'm a chronic kleptomaniac...

but don't worry, I'm taking something for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o60xr/just_thought_id_let_you_know_that_im_a_chronic/
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I tried arguing with the Priests of Pi about religion...

But they just kept relying on circular logic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o5xao/i_tried_arguing_with_the_priests_of_pi_about/
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Why can't the hydraulic press guy bring himself to crush a can of sprite?

Because it's soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o5saw/why_cant_the_hydraulic_press_guy_bring_himself_to/
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A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant...

There was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies.
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o5pkj/a_man_was_dining_alone_in_a_fancy_restaurant/
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What did one lesbian bullfrog say to the other lesbian bullfrog?

They're right! We do taste like chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o5pep/what_did_one_lesbian_bullfrog_say_to_the_other/
%
A scientist, mathematician, and logician are in a car.

A scientist, mathematician, and logician are in the car. They crash and die. The three men appear in heaven on front of St. Peter and Satan. "Gentlemen," Satan began, "Now that Heaven is overcrowded, St. Peter has allowed to limit the amount of people entering. You may ask me a question; if I answer incorrectly, you may go to Heaven. If I answer correctly, you go to hell."
The scientist steps up. "How did the Egyptians build the pyramids?", he asked. "Easy", the Devil replies, "They didn't. Otherworldly beings built them."
The scientist shakes his head and replies "That is correct. Take me to hell."
The mathematician steps up next, knowing his question is impossible. "Show me the entire strand of pi. Every number of it."
The devil replies "You can't; it is an infinitely extending random number. But here you go." With the snap of a finger, an extending scroll appeared in the devil's hand.
The mathematician examines the numbers as they extend. "Your explanation was correct, and these numbers are relevant. You are correct. Take me to hell."
The logician finally steps up. He asks for a chair. The devil brings a chair. The logician drills seven holes into it. He sits on it and lets out a loud fart. "Which hole did the gas come out?" He asks.
The devil carefully examines the chair and concludes it came out of the third hole.
The logician replies "Nope, it came from my asshole."
He went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o5ovd/a_scientist_mathematician_and_logician_are_in_a/
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What do you call a guy who checks his blood sugar frequently?

Sir Lance A. Lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o5o8u/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_checks_his_blood_sugar/
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How Are Women And Rocks Alike?

You Skip The Flat Ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o5l9s/how_are_women_and_rocks_alike/
%
TIFU by eating a U-Boat.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o5kzn/tifu_by_eating_a_uboat/
%
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

Because they pushed two twins together to make a king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o5c6f/why_do_the_lannisters_have_such_big_beds/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr.Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o57mk/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
When people ask why I have a "Trump 2016" sticker on my car I say it's for safety.

When i'm pulled over, it's the quickest way to tell the Cop i'm white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o561a/when_people_ask_why_i_have_a_trump_2016_sticker/
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If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror-movie.

After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o514u/if_you_are_lonely_dim_all_the_lights_and_put_on_a/
%
Did you hear the one about Hellen Keller?

Well neither did she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o512c/did_you_hear_the_one_about_hellen_keller/
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What begins with P ends with E and has thousands of letters?

The Post Office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o50zv/what_begins_with_p_ends_with_e_and_has_thousands/
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Once you've seen one shopping center...

you've seen the mall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4zii/once_youve_seen_one_shopping_center/
%
Pink Panther's to do list:

to do,
to do,
to do, to do, to do,
to do, to dooooo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4z7k/pink_panthers_to_do_list/
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Why is it not advisable to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they take things, literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4w2w/why_is_it_not_advisable_to_tell_jokes_to/
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What does smoking a cigarette and eating a pussy have in common? [NSFW]

The flavor gets stronger as you get closer to the butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4vlv/what_does_smoking_a_cigarette_and_eating_a_pussy/
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A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali are sitting under a tree.

A caterpillar gets on the Romanian's shoulder.
The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it.
Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and asks the Somali: "Do you want to buy a caterpillar?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4ta0/a_romanian_a_jew_and_a_somali_are_sitting_under_a/
%
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now.”
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4q4k/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
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Did you hear about the shooting at the Dyslexic makeup factory?

It was a total mascara.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4oly/did_you_hear_about_the_shooting_at_the_dyslexic/
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Which traffic sign allows you to make a U-turn on a highway in the US?

Welcome to Louisiana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4nhb/which_traffic_sign_allows_you_to_make_a_uturn_on/
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Heaven is full

One day God approaches St. Peter:
"Peter!"
"Almighty father, what can I do for you?"
"Heaven is getting crowded, I need to buy some time while I expand."
"What would you have me do?"
"Only allow those who died truly horrible deaths in, until I tell you otherwise."
"Yes father."
Shortly after the first man arrives at Heaven's Gate.
"To pass, you must tell me about your death."
"Okay.  So I was like 100% sure my wife was cheating on me while I was at work.  So I decided to go home for lunch, which I never do, and sure as shit there she is naked in bed.  She had clearly been busy getting fucked, so I began searching for the guy.  I cant find him anywhere though, and we live on the tenth story so the only way in or out was through our front door.  I knew he had to be somewhere in the apartment, and I finally found him hanging from my balcony; naked!  I didn't even give him a chance to speak, I stomped on his hands till he fell.  Can you believe this asshole survived!  The bushes broke his fall.  So I push my refrigerator onto the balcony, and flip it over the edge.  As it was going over the power cord caught my foot and pulled me with it.  I hit the pavement,  and now I'm here."
"Oh my, that is horrible.  Please come in."
Just then, a second man arrives.
"To pass, you must tell me about your death."
"Well, I lived in an eleventh story apartment.  I loved the view from my balcony, and I would often workout in the nude there.  I tripped over one of my weights and was flung over the railing, though I managed to grab hold of the balcony below.  Then the guy who lives there comes out just screaming at me, something about fucking his wife whom I've never even met.  Before I can explain, he stomps on my hands until I fall.  Somehow the bushes broke my fall, but then this asshole literally throws his refrigerator off the balcony at me.  At least I got to see that it pulled him over with it, hope he missed the bushes.  Anyways the fridge landed on me and now here I am."
"Oh dear, I see.  Well that is just awful.  Welcome."
The third arrival is now walking up to the gate.
"To pass, you must tell me about your death."
"Hahaha.. okay.  So get this, I'm hiding in this refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4lct/heaven_is_full/
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4jtm/a_married_man_was_having_an_affair_with_his/
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It was time to name Canada

All the 4 founding hosiers were sitting around and no one could agree on a name. They finally decided to put a bunch of letters in a hat and 3 people would draw one out at a time while the last transcribed the name.
The first guy drew and read, "C, eh?"
The next drew, "N, eh?"
Finally the last maple head drew and said, "D, eh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4jhy/it_was_time_to_name_canada/
%
How did I get out of Afghanistan?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4gkv/how_did_i_get_out_of_afghanistan/
%
Divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4d5l/divorce/
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My mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and I all currently have diarrhea.

Runs in the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4bmk/my_mother_grandmother_greatgrandmother_and_i_all/
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What did the Hispanic firefighter name his kids?

José and  Hose-B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4am3/what_did_the_hispanic_firefighter_name_his_kids/
%
Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4ah4/why_is_santa_so_jolly/
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Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy...

it feels good until you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4adn/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blowjob_from_a_guy/
%
The workers at the inn aren't very friendly...

they create a hostel environment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o4aam/the_workers_at_the_inn_arent_very_friendly/
%
I just took a Baking Class

The final was a piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o49lt/i_just_took_a_baking_class/
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What do you call a red-headed baker?

A Ginger-bread man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o48sk/what_do_you_call_a_redheaded_baker/
%
Why couldn't people find Joseph?

He was Haydn!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o45b4/why_couldnt_people_find_joseph/
%
What's Hillary Clinton's e-mail password?

I don't know, but the Russians do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o43gr/whats_hillary_clintons_email_password/
%
There are so many internet scams right now

Send me $19.99 and I will tell you how to avoid them all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o42q7/there_are_so_many_internet_scams_right_now/
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Women are like condoms...

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o42cx/women_are_like_condoms/
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Gay men make sure you're using protection

You know: body armor, pepper spray, concealed carry-hand gun, first-aid kit, maybe a flare gun too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o40gz/gay_men_make_sure_youre_using_protection/
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An alligator decided to have unprotected sex...

Now he has Gatorades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3zh2/an_alligator_decided_to_have_unprotected_sex/
%
I always enjoy a book while sunbathing...

As a result, I'm well-red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3z5n/i_always_enjoy_a_book_while_sunbathing/
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I like my whiskey like I like my women

18 years old and all mixed up with coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3z44/i_like_my_whiskey_like_i_like_my_women/
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(Long)(Dirty) A fly was hovering 6 inches above a stream...

Below that stream was a fish. He watched thay fly intently, saying 'if that fly dropped about 6 inches, I could swim up and have some lunch.'
On the bank of the stream was a bear. He sees the fish is distracted and says to himself, 'if that fly drops about 6 inches,  that fish will jump up, and ill grab the fish and have some lunch.'
50 yards away, a hunter, eating a cheese sandwhich,  sees the bear looking into the stream. He think, 'if that fly drops about 6 inches, the fish will jump up, and that bear will go after the fish, and ill shoot that bear for a nice trophy.'
Right behind the hunter is a mouse. Realizing what is happening,  he eagerly awaits.  'If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish will jump out of water, the bear will go after the fish, the hunter will go for the bear,  and leave his cheese sandwich unattended for me to eat some lunch.'
Behind the mouse lays a cat. He understands the situation.  He says, ' if that fly drops about 6 inches, the fish will jump after it, the bear will go for the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will eat the cheese sandwhich,  and while he is distracted, I'll catch him and have some lunch.'
As they all wait with anticipation,  a sudden movement happens. The fly drops 6 inches! The fish jumps after the fly. The bear nabs the fish. The hunter drops his cheese sandwich and readies his rifle. The mouse runs for the cheese. The cat pounces toward the mouse, but slips and ends up drenched in the river.
The moral of this story? Anytime a fly drops about 6 inches, there is bound to be a wet pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3yno/longdirty_a_fly_was_hovering_6_inches_above_a/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

An Ithberg!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3wzs/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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Call of Duty is the most environmentally friendly video game franchise.

... because each game is made from 90% recycled material.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3wyk/call_of_duty_is_the_most_environmentally_friendly/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3vwy/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Santa walks into a nightclub...

"Hoe, hoe, hoe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3tnm/santa_walks_into_a_nightclub/
%
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3roh/what_do_you_call_a_vegetarian_with_diarrhea/
%
How do Australian bees please the queen bee?

They bee hive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3o8e/how_do_australian_bees_please_the_queen_bee/
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A man moves into a new home...

and the first person to visit him is this redneck who lives next door.
"I just wanted to welcome you to this here neighborhood," the redneck says. "In honor of your arrival, I'm fixin' to throw you a big ol' party this weekend. It's gonna have everything: a whole lotta drinkin', a whole lotta dancin', and a whole lotta screwin'!"
"Wow," the man says. "That sounds like a lot of fun. What can I bring?"
"You can bring whatever you want," the redneck says. "It's just gonna be you and me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3nmk/a_man_moves_into_a_new_home/
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Purchasing a rain barrel often leads to buying more water collecting devices

I guess you could say a rain barrel is a gateway jug.
(Modified from a story heard on NPR) : )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3lvh/purchasing_a_rain_barrel_often_leads_to_buying/
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I like my slaves the way I like my coffee...

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3klf/i_like_my_slaves_the_way_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A supermarket greeter gets a new job at Asda

About two hours into his first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. He said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So he replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda  .”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3jix/a_supermarket_greeter_gets_a_new_job_at_asda/
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I don't like guys who only make periodic chemistry jokes at parties.

I usually ask those Mendeleev.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o3epm/i_dont_like_guys_who_only_make_periodic_chemistry/
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I like my women like I like my beer. . .

. . . cold, pale and without a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o39sc/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_beer/
%
My new Thai girlfriend said, “A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship”

I still wish she didn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o39n9/my_new_thai_girlfriend_said_a_small_penis/
%
My dad always warned me about anal sex

He said son this is gonna hurt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o39gd/my_dad_always_warned_me_about_anal_sex/
%
The clock was bored of his tick-tock...

...so he changed to a better tack-tick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o37i4/the_clock_was_bored_of_his_ticktock/
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What do you get when a Catholic priest baptizes hay?

You get a Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o36kf/what_do_you_get_when_a_catholic_priest_baptizes/
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I like my coffee like I like my women,

without a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o34s2/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shooting…

Who says they can't integrate into American culture?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o32lp/a_muslim_guy_killed_50_people_in_a_mass_shooting/
%
Reaching the end of a job interview, the ....

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o31k9/reaching_the_end_of_a_job_interview_the/
%
A boy's grandfather is smoking a cigar...

A boy's grandfather is smoking a cigar. The boy asks, "Hey Grandpa, can I have a puff?"
His Grandpa asks, "Can you touch your peter to your butthole?"
The boy says "No".
His Grandpa replies, "Well, I guess you can't have a puff, then".
The next day, his Grandpa is drinking a beer. The kid asks, "Grandpa, can I have a bit?"
His grandpa asks, "Can you touch your peter to your butthole?"
The boy says no, and his grandpa once again replies "Well, I guess you can't have any".
The next day, the boy's grandma makes him some cookies. While he's eating the cookies, his grandpa asks, "Can I have one?"
The boy asks, "Can you touch your peter to your butthole?"
The grandpa replies "Yes".
The boy then says, "Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these cookies for me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o31ac/a_boys_grandfather_is_smoking_a_cigar/
%
Kid says "mommy how come I'm black and your white?

Mom says "listen the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o30td/kid_says_mommy_how_come_im_black_and_your_white/
%
A cowboy appears before St. Peter.

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2tda/a_cowboy_appears_before_st_peter/
%
Hey girl, are you a gorilla enclosure..

Because I wanna drop a baby in you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2puh/hey_girl_are_you_a_gorilla_enclosure/
%
A windmill asked me for an autograph...

I said "You must be a big fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2nq9/a_windmill_asked_me_for_an_autograph/
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A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2nbm/a_dying_grandma_tells_her_grandchild/
%
I'd tell you a great time travel joke...

but you didn't like it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2n2m/id_tell_you_a_great_time_travel_joke/
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Grandma and the bus driver

A little old lady got on a city bus, and sat down behind the bus driver. After a couple minutes, she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full. "Sure!", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth. After eating several more, he asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?" "Nope," the old lady replied, "Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2mk9/grandma_and_the_bus_driver/
%
What do you call a homeless pigeon?

A pigeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2kws/what_do_you_call_a_homeless_pigeon/
%
I saw the expiration date on my condoms

They say it takes thousands of years for latex to degrade, but apparently it's been longer than that since I've gotten laid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2kak/i_saw_the_expiration_date_on_my_condoms/
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The Pope visits America

So the pope is visiting the U.S. and is in New York City. He gets picked up from the airport and starts getting a tour of the city.
He talks to the driver and they hit it off really well and are laughing like friends soon. The Pope says to the driver, "I haven't driven a car in years! Would you mind if I drive for a bit?"
The driver agrees and the pull over and switch places.
As the Pope is driving around, he goes a little too fast and gets pulled over. The cop goes to the window and says, "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" The Pope responds, "No, my child."
The cop panics and goes back to his car to call the chief and ask him what to do.
"Chief! I pulled over someone really important!" he says.
The chief responds, "Who is it? A movie star or musician?"
"No," he says, "It's not."
"Is it an athlete? A baseball or football player?"
"No, it's not."
"Oh so it's a politician?"
"No, sir. It's...well actually I don't know who it is, but the Pope's his driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2jx0/the_pope_visits_america/
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Difference between I.T and management

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2jcp/difference_between_it_and_management/
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i'm writing a book on overcoming foot pain

it's called the agony of defeat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2iae/im_writing_a_book_on_overcoming_foot_pain/
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According to this BMI chart

I am too short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2h11/according_to_this_bmi_chart/
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What does the L in Samuel L Jackson stand for?

Motherfucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2fy4/what_does_the_l_in_samuel_l_jackson_stand_for/
%
If I had 1,000,000 dollars, I would pay to have sex with your mom.

And then I would invest the other 999,995 bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2cv7/if_i_had_1000000_dollars_i_would_pay_to_have_sex/
%
"Alright kids, I just got off the phone. Now, raise your hands if your parents are still alive!"

"Not so fast, Billy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2csz/alright_kids_i_just_got_off_the_phone_now_raise/
%
A man forgets his wife's birthday.

He rushes to the grocery store after work, barely making it in time, and buys chocolate and a card. Unfortunately, as he walks out he drops all the stuff in a puddle and he can't go back into the store because it is now closed, so it just picks it up and makes his way home. When he gets home:
Man: "Happy birthday honey!!!!"
Wife: "No. I know you forgot. If you want to be forgiven, I expect something in the driveway that goes from 0-200 in 2 seconds flat."
Man:"Ok fine."
Morning comes and the wife goes stop check the driveway. She sees a scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2cmw/a_man_forgets_his_wifes_birthday/
%
Every time I have sex with my girlfriend I put a dollar in a jar.

On Valentine's Day I use what I saved to buy a gift for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2aab/every_time_i_have_sex_with_my_girlfriend_i_put_a/
%
What do gay people call each other on?

Homophones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o29vk/what_do_gay_people_call_each_other_on/
%
I'm unsure whether I like my beard.

But it's growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2334/im_unsure_whether_i_like_my_beard/
%
Little Johnny is back

In the class the teacher said: "the first person to answer my question will go home early".
Little Johnny threw his bag outside.
Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???"
Johnny answered: "It's mine....
bye bye!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2131/little_johnny_is_back/
%
My dick is like a dollar bill...

About 6 inches long, 3 inches wide, and you should wash your hands after touching it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o20qm/my_dick_is_like_a_dollar_bill/
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What body part is most sensitive to a man while he is masturbating?

His ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o1z8y/what_body_part_is_most_sensitive_to_a_man_while/
%
A nurse comes in and tells a doc...

..."there's a man in the waiting room that thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?"
Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o1x0x/a_nurse_comes_in_and_tells_a_doc/
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Muslims killing gays everywhere....

...rednecks are fucking conflicted now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o1spc/muslims_killing_gays_everywhere/
%
My girlfriend and I broke up because of a difference in religious beliefs.

She didn't believe I was God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o1p8x/my_girlfriend_and_i_broke_up_because_of_a/
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I like my coffee how I like my slaves...

*Free*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o1opt/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_slaves/
%
While teaching a class

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o1ogk/while_teaching_a_class/
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What do you call the cross between a tortoise and a porcupine?

Slowpoke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o1n4m/what_do_you_call_the_cross_between_a_tortoise_and/
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What do you call a bunch of crows that go to church?

A mass murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o1mte/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_crows_that_go_to/
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What’s brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o1lds/whats_brown_and_runny/
%
A man got on a bus

with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful ... (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ??!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o1iwh/a_man_got_on_a_bus/
%
i asked my girlfriend what she would do if i won the lottery

She said: i would take half of it and run away
Then i replied: ok i won 10 dollars here's 5 now get the fuck out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o1cel/i_asked_my_girlfriend_what_she_would_do_if_i_won/
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What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke ?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o1c32/whats_the_difference_between_3_dicks_and_a_joke/
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What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

Ten-ish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o1999/what_time_does_sean_connery_go_to_wimbledon/
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Met a beautiful girl down at the park today..

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.
God, I love my new Taser...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o15j6/met_a_beautiful_girl_down_at_the_park_today/
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The curious monk

A monk in an ancient monastery is doing his daily work, transcribing and recopying the ancient scrolls and scriptures of his tradition that his predecessors wrote, which they copied from their ancestors texts and so on....
The curious monk begins to wonder if in the endless sequence of copying and recopying over the ages, something got misinterpreted or lost in translation: he goes to investigate the archives.
His friends don't hear from him for a few days. They finally find him in the archives, lying in a pool of scrolls and tears. "What's wrong?", they ask him. He cries: "It said CELEBRATE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o13uh/the_curious_monk/
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My kids and this punchline have a lot in common.

They're both a disappointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o11f3/my_kids_and_this_punchline_have_a_lot_in_common/
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A steak pun...

... is a rare medium well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o10wr/a_steak_pun/
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My dogs name is Nama

Only reason is so I can say:"Nama stay"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o10tf/my_dogs_name_is_nama/
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Hey, I have a good joke about pussy

Oh wait... you might not get it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0y1r/hey_i_have_a_good_joke_about_pussy/
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What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?

A ban from the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0xwf/what_do_you_get_when_you_inject_a_goat_with_human/
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I like my women like I like my microwave

Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0vvv/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_microwave/
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I don't trust stairs...

They look like they're up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0vtw/i_dont_trust_stairs/
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What did one French Guy say to another French Guy?

"Bonjour, je m'apelle Guy aussi!"
("Hello, I am called Guy as well!")

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0txp/what_did_one_french_guy_say_to_another_french_guy/
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A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician were supposed to give a guest lecture at a school.

When they arrive at the classroom, the professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, "We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants." While the physicist and chemist are debating, they observe with alarm that the statistician is running around the room starting other fires.
They both scream, "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Don't mind me, I'm just trying to get an adequate sample size."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0qyf/a_physicist_a_chemist_and_a_statistician_were/
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A man walks into the psychiatrist's office

with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear and he says,
"I don't know what's the matter with me lately"
The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0ot5/a_man_walks_into_the_psychiatrists_office/
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Strong people don’t put others down.

They lift them up and body-slam them for maximum impact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0okv/strong_people_dont_put_others_down/
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A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it

Suddenly he heard a voice...
"Nice tie." *Nobody was there except him and the bartender.*
"Really cool shirt, too." *He thought he must be losing his mind.*
"I like your hair that way."
He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."
"Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0n9m/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_and_sat_down_ordered_a/
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Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0md1/doctor_i_have_been_faithful_to_my_husband_for_15/
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A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle

The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?"
And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0m85/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar_grabs_his_dog_by_its/
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

"No eye deer" (sounds like "no idea")
What do you call a deer with no eyes no legs?
"Still no eye deer"
What do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no dick?
"Still no fucking eye deer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0m23/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
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Q: What did the momma corn say to baby corn?

A: where is popcorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0lzl/q_what_did_the_momma_corn_say_to_baby_corn/
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$100 BILL TATTOO

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0k7h/100_bill_tattoo/
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Parking Tickets

So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0j3p/parking_tickets/
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The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war

while French people remove the red and blue colour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0i8w/the_philippines_is_the_only_country_in_the_world/
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Secret to wine tasting is to open the bottle and allowing it to breathe

If it doesn't look like it is breathing, then give it a mouth-to-mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0gmp/secret_to_wine_tasting_is_to_open_the_bottle_and/
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Why are blind people bad computer programmers?

Because they can't C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0g7m/why_are_blind_people_bad_computer_programmers/
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Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0fp4/boy_scout_sir_i_found_a_snake_is_it_poisonous/
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A logician is asked to go to get groceries.

His wife said: "Go get a jug of milk. If they have eggs, buy a dozen". Later, his wife said: "Why did you come back with a dozen jugs of milk?" The logician said: "They had eggs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0fbs/a_logician_is_asked_to_go_to_get_groceries/
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Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day.

Teach a man to fire and he'll run for president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0f3k/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
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A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.
He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0c7g/a_little_black_kid_is_helping_his_mum_cook_and_he/
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How many Police Officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None. He 'fell'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0b6i/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_push_a/
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A regular always buys three shots every friday night then leaves.

The bartender one day gets very curious after a couple months and finally decides to ask the man:
BT: "Why do you always order three shots first thing, drink them, then leave once done?"
Reg: "Well, my brothers and I became separated once I moved here for business. We use to drink together all the time every Friday night to start our weekends off. So, before moving here, the three of us agreed to always have three shots each wherever we move to. This way, we can always feel like we're together."
The bartender found this to be very thoughtful and smiled. A couple weeks go by and the one night the regular purchases only two shots. The bartender immediately becomes upset and walks over to the man:
BT: "Hey, I just wanted to say, I am sorry for your loss. I know the three of you were very close and I hope you're alright."
Reg: "What are you talking about?"
BT: "Hmm? You told me you always got three shots so you and your two brothers always felt like you were together wherever you were. So when I saw you only get two shots and drink, I thought one of your brothers passed."
Reg: "Oh, no no no, my brothers are fine! I just decided to quit drinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o08ao/a_regular_always_buys_three_shots_every_friday/
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A nun and golfer are old friends and decide to have a game of golf.

On the first hole the golfer narrowly misses his target an yells "Shit! I missed!"
The nun is appalled and tells the golfer she does not approve of his bad language.
On the next hole the golfer again misses narrowly and again shouts "Arrrgh Shit! I missed!"
The nun warns him that his actions are offensive to God and she will be forced to take action if he exclaims again.
Sure enough the golfer attempts his third ball and misses yelling "Fuck! I missed!"
The nun is furious and raises her arms up to the sky and begins a prayer: "powerful and mighty God, strike down on this foul man that I once called a friend"
Moments later there is a flash and the nun is struck by 3 bolts of lightning.
The golfer looks up into the sky and hears a loud booming voice:
"Oh Shit! I missed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o06ta/a_nun_and_golfer_are_old_friends_and_decide_to/
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Why can't Chinese people tie their shoes?

I would love to tell you, but I am afraid the answer is a little bit lacist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o05pl/why_cant_chinese_people_tie_their_shoes/
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I hope one day to be dating a moderator from /r/jokes...

Everything is long from their point of view!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o04rk/i_hope_one_day_to_be_dating_a_moderator_from/
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What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex?

"Honey I'm home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0410/whats_the_worst_thing_your_wife_can_say_during_sex/
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The white Xbox One S was just announced.

Of course it's 40% smaller than the black one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o02tf/the_white_xbox_one_s_was_just_announced/
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Hillary Clinton is gonna be our first f president

Oops, someone deleted the emale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzxuc/hillary_clinton_is_gonna_be_our_first_f_president/
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Playstation and Xbox had a fight. Then came the ambulance

Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzv58/playstation_and_xbox_had_a_fight_then_came_the/
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I hate my job...

My job is so fucking unbelievable.
I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzu15/i_hate_my_job/
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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nztat/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
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What's the one thing a woman wants most in this world?

Nothing, she's fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzt8z/whats_the_one_thing_a_woman_wants_most_in_this/
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I almost got raped in jail

I think my family takes monopoly way too seriously

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzseb/i_almost_got_raped_in_jail/
%
The Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar...

...it was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzsdg/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
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The guy who invented the USB connector died...

They lowered the coffin into his grave.
Then they lifted it back out, turned it round, and lowered it back in again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzrun/the_guy_who_invented_the_usb_connector_died/
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How much do pirates pay to get an earring?

A Buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzr55/how_much_do_pirates_pay_to_get_an_earring/
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I tried to catch fog yesterday

Mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzmd2/i_tried_to_catch_fog_yesterday/
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I'd love to tell you a science joke...

...but all the good ones argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzkf3/id_love_to_tell_you_a_science_joke/
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why are all jewish men circumcised?

because jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nziqh/why_are_all_jewish_men_circumcised/
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How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number that you've probably never heard of.  I'd explain it but you probably wouldn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzhwt/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A city-slicker moves to the country and buys a farm...

His neighbour from the next farm over comes over to greet him.
"Hey," he says, "I just wanted to invite you over for a welcome party later on tonight. My wife went to the city for the weekend so it'll be a riot. I've got a whole plan. There'll be eating, fighting, then fucking."
The city-slicker, happy to have made a friend, says "that sounds great! What time should I come over?"
His neighbour says "come over whenever you'd like. It'll just be the two of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzhri/a_cityslicker_moves_to_the_country_and_buys_a_farm/
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What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzeze/what_has_9_arms_and_sucks/
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What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzcdm/what_do_you_do_when_a_blonde_throws_a_pin_at_you/
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You know someone is hard core

When they have strong and well-defined abdominal muscles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzc47/you_know_someone_is_hard_core/
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This joke I made up while in the shower

What's the difference between my shower and everyone?
My shower gets turned on by me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nzb0k/this_joke_i_made_up_while_in_the_shower/
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A r/news mod walks into a bar

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nz9t0/a_rnews_mod_walks_into_a_bar/
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Little Johnny

A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a house. Little Johnny, about 12 years old, answers the door. He's wearing a pink tutu, has a cigar in one hand, and a martini in the other.
The salesman is a little startled by the sight so he asks, "Excuse me son, are your parents home?"
Little Johnny takes a big puff on the cigar and answers, "What the fuck do you think?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nz8di/little_johnny/
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What do toys and boobs have in common?

They're both made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nz3wi/what_do_toys_and_boobs_have_in_common/
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A boy asks his father a question........

"Hey dad, why do they call gardeners 'people who have green thumbs'?"
"Oh son that's just a saying, they don't actually have green thumbs, it's like when someone gets caught stealing and they call them people who got caught 'red handed' their hands aren't actually red, they're black"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nz3w7/a_boy_asks_his_father_a_question/
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How many feminists does it take to change a light-bulb?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nz231/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What has 125 teeth and prevents a savage beast from escaping?

My zipper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nz10n/what_has_125_teeth_and_prevents_a_savage_beast/
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What did the motivational speaker say to the duct?

You conduit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nyzme/what_did_the_motivational_speaker_say_to_the_duct/
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A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man.
St. Peter continues, “That’s Abe Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that he only told two lies in his entire life.”
The man asks, “Where’s Hillary Clinton’s clock?”
St. Peter replies, “Oh, they keep that one in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as ceiling fan”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nyzdn/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
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I went to a whorehouse the other day...

The sign outside said "We're closed so beat it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nyulo/i_went_to_a_whorehouse_the_other_day/
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I work in tech support and one of my co-workers drowned last week...

we buried him in rice and he came back a day later!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nyqr3/i_work_in_tech_support_and_one_of_my_coworkers/
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Travelling salesman walks into a bar in a one horse town...

After a few drinks he approaches the bartender... "Barkeep! I need a woman". Bartender says "sorry Mac, the best I can do for you is Singaloo, the cook". Guy spits back "I don't go for that shit!" And sits down again.
Few more drinks he goes back to the bartender: "look, if money is the problem I'll take care of you, her... Whatever - I just need a woman".  Again the tender replies "sorry, Mac. Best I can do is Singaloo the cook". And again the guy says "I don't go for that shit!!".
Naturally, after a few more drinks he approaches the bartender one last time... "Ok. Fine. Singaloo the cook it is. Where do I find him?"
Bar tender says "go in the back. In about 5 minutes I'll send in Singaloo, RJ and Maurice".
Guy says "who the hell are RJ and Maurice???!!!"
Bartender says: "oh, they're gonna hold him down. Singaloo doesn't go for that shit either!!!"
Hahaha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nyopp/travelling_salesman_walks_into_a_bar_in_a_one/
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Why did the vulture get kicked off the flight?

He brought the wrong carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nyo3d/why_did_the_vulture_get_kicked_off_the_flight/
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A grasshopper walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey,  I've got a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies, "You've got a drink named Bob?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nynv5/a_grasshopper_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a witness to an event in the Middle East?

A Dubaistander.
Yeah I thought of it myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nymoi/what_do_you_call_a_witness_to_an_event_in_the/
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I hate One Direction fans...

Oscillating ones cool down a room much better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nyjjt/i_hate_one_direction_fans/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nyi1i/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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A girls sees a good looking guy at the bar...

as it had been a hard day, she decided to chat him up and take him home with her. "What are you drinking handsome?" she asks, in her sexiest voice. "Magic Beer to make me fly" he replies nonchalantly.
Some what taken aback, but not to be put off, she says "Ha, if it's magic beer then prove it". He immediately jumps through the window, flies around the building twice and comes back to the bar.
"That's amazing!" she exclaimed, mind totally blown. And without a second thought, tells the barman, "I'll have what he's having".
She downs the drink in one go, runs at the window, jumps through the glass, and immediately falls four storeys to a gruesome death.
The barman turns to the handsome man and says "I like you superman, but you're a cunt when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nyfbl/a_girls_sees_a_good_looking_guy_at_the_bar/
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My sister didnt think I could make a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pastah'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nyewz/my_sister_didnt_think_i_could_make_a_car_out_of/
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How do you order food at a Muslim restaurant?

Allah carte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nyc3v/how_do_you_order_food_at_a_muslim_restaurant/
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All dick jokes are basically the same...

They just vary in length

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nyanz/all_dick_jokes_are_basically_the_same/
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What makes the sound 'Clip clop bang clip clop'?

An Amish drive-by

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ny6zg/what_makes_the_sound_clip_clop_bang_clip_clop/
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Ever hear the story of the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He would lay awake at night worried about the existence of dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ny4i6/ever_hear_the_story_of_the_dyslexic_agnostic/
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Two twins were separated at birth

One of them lived in Cuba, and was named Juan. The other lived in Egypt, and was named Jamal.
10 years after their birth, their birth mother was sent a picture of one of the twins. "I wish I could see the other one," she said. The adoption mother then said,
" If you've seen juan, you've seen jamal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ny1yq/two_twins_were_separated_at_birth/
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I kept reading a book about Gawker...

But every page kept going back to Chapter 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ny1sw/i_kept_reading_a_book_about_gawker/
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My air fresheners for insane people got turned down...

They said there wasn't any cents in making scents for people who don't make sense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ny1rg/my_air_fresheners_for_insane_people_got_turned/
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A new trailer for the movie "Cheddar" was just posted.

I think the special effects look pretty cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxzkn/a_new_trailer_for_the_movie_cheddar_was_just/
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farmer & the little boy

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxyx0/farmer_the_little_boy/
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A Father's Last Request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxyus/a_fathers_last_request/
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Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?

Because everyone was a goblin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxyu2/why_was_there_no_food_left_at_the_halloween_party/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxw87/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
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What do you call a person who teaches you how to fart?

A tutor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxvbu/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_teaches_you_how_to/
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There are five frogs staring at me right now

but only one can be America's top model.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxrie/there_are_five_frogs_staring_at_me_right_now/
%
What did they call the sugar that went to space?

Intergalactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxn06/what_did_they_call_the_sugar_that_went_to_space/
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Politicians Play Marbles

The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
Conclusion: The higher you go in the social power structure, the smaller your balls become.
(Old but still true.)
(Please note: NO sexist reference to Hillary was made here. Nor was there any reference to Donald playing with BB's.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxmxu/politicians_play_marbles/
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What is a big dinner for a cannibal?

A three-corpse meal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxmhf/what_is_a_big_dinner_for_a_cannibal/
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A baby was born without eyelids...

On the morning of February 3rd, a mother came into Mount Sinai hospital and gave birth to her first baby boy. Doctors were disturbed to discover that even though the baby was healthy in all other ways, he had been born without a functioning set of eyelids.
To correct this defect, surgeons elected to try and craft the child a set of eyelids from skin grafts. Because of his age, his immune system was too weak to accept a donor graft that his body wouldn't reject.
In a medical first, a team of surgeons managed to craft the child a new set of functioning eyelids with his recently removed foreskin tissue.
While the surgery was mostly successful, the child is now cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxm8v/a_baby_was_born_without_eyelids/
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No matter how kind you are

German children are kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxizp/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
How do cows talk to each other?

They cowmoonicate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxh41/how_do_cows_talk_to_each_other/
%
A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.
"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do."
The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men."
The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!"
The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxgee/a_doctor_a_priest_and_an_engineer_go_golfing/
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Finding Money

Reaching into a pair of pants and finding a wad of money is a great feeling . . . . until the person wearing the pants starts screaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxfs1/finding_money/
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What is Donald Trump's favourite song?

Another brick in the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxety/what_is_donald_trumps_favourite_song/
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxce4/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nx9ee/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot...

were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nx9bo/three_men_a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an/
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What do you get when you line up 12 girls from Kentucky?

A full set of teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nx931/what_do_you_get_when_you_line_up_12_girls_from/
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I like my women like I like my cellphone plan...

Free on nights and weekends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nx7b0/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_cellphone_plan/
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Failed my biology test today

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nx75s/failed_my_biology_test_today/
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Scientist: We've successfully taught a dog Morse code!

Dog: [taps paw]
Me: What did it say??
Scientist: "Woof."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nx6o4/scientist_weve_successfully_taught_a_dog_morse/
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Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad?

Because it's soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nx5lp/why_does_pushing_my_finger_against_a_bottle_of/
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nx586/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
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Cheating in a joke.

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.
Lorraine dies suddenly.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nx52m/cheating_in_a_joke/
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I would tell a joke about my dick...

but there isn't much to it.. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nx47m/i_would_tell_a_joke_about_my_dick/
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What is the KKK's favourite football (soccer) club?

Blackburn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nx47b/what_is_the_kkks_favourite_football_soccer_club/
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What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nx1j4/what_do_you_call_crystal_clear_urine/
%
What happens when you double park your frogs?

They get toad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nx1b9/what_happens_when_you_double_park_your_frogs/
%
How did the snowman get happy?

The snowblower came around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nx0ho/how_did_the_snowman_get_happy/
%
100m Dash

A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash"
Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?"
"No, with 8 black men and a gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nwzrk/100m_dash/
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What is the Phobia for chainsaws called?

Common sense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nwzcr/what_is_the_phobia_for_chainsaws_called/
%
Ford cars and anal.. If you replace ford with anal you will get some interesting results.

Anal Explorer
Anal Fiesta
Anal Focus
Anal Flex
Anal Fusion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nwp3p/ford_cars_and_anal_if_you_replace_ford_with_anal/
%
I want a woman for our president.

Like the one we got for Bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nwjvh/i_want_a_woman_for_our_president/
%
My friend's bakery burned down last night.

Now his business is toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nwjrv/my_friends_bakery_burned_down_last_night/
%
I was screwing my secretary...

...up the arse when my wife walked in. She said, "You cannot do this to me. I said, "I know that's why I'm doing it to her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nwiws/i_was_screwing_my_secretary/
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What do a woman and a condom have in common?

They spend more time in your wallet than they do on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nwhgd/what_do_a_woman_and_a_condom_have_in_common/
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Ever wondered why written jokes about mailmen are generally unfunny?

They are all about delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nwft6/ever_wondered_why_written_jokes_about_mailmen_are/
%
What do you call a skeleton who just had anesthesia?

A numbskull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nwbcz/what_do_you_call_a_skeleton_who_just_had/
%
The biggest difference between men and women...

Is what comes to mind when the word 'facial' is used.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nwavf/the_biggest_difference_between_men_and_women/
%
Why were the dinosaurs so big?

Because Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nwaj9/why_were_the_dinosaurs_so_big/
%
Bread lovers of Reddit, how do you tell your "Sandwich Artist" that they got your order wrong?

Oops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nwa6k/bread_lovers_of_reddit_how_do_you_tell_your/
%
I met a new girl in work today, and she was a vegan

I've never seen herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nw8qn/i_met_a_new_girl_in_work_today_and_she_was_a_vegan/
%
I was about to make a sodium joke...

but Na﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nw4wo/i_was_about_to_make_a_sodium_joke/
%
Why do women close their eyes during sex?

They don't want to see men having a good time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nw20f/why_do_women_close_their_eyes_during_sex/
%
Clickbait...

... it works everytime!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nw0lv/clickbait/
%
Hillary Clinton is going to be the first F President.

Sorry, I meant to type "Female" but somebody deleted the "emale."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nw028/hillary_clinton_is_going_to_be_the_first_f/
%
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the chin...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvzzt/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
%
A nurse found a rectal thermometer...

A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her top breast pocket. "Some assholes got my pen" she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvx7e/a_nurse_found_a_rectal_thermometer/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvu9u/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
What does a horny toad say?

Rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvsgo/what_does_a_horny_toad_say/
%
A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student

isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”
“Then I’d be a football fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvrwg/a_firstgrade_teacher_cant_believe_her_student/
%
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir,
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvqzx/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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[Dirty] In 18th century U.S., what did they call 5 black people having sex?

A threesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvqfh/dirty_in_18th_century_us_what_did_they_call_5/
%
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station

.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvnim/a_police_officer_jumps_into_his_squad_car_and/
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When Belgian people want go into the Sun !

First of all, sorry for my english, it's an old Joke from my Grand Father (RIP ♥).
AN AWESOME NEW in the World Journal, Belgian People are gonna investigate the Sun !
Everyone is crazy, insane !
So after this news, they ask How you can go on the Sun ? It will burn you before !
And the Belgium's director of the Sun's Project said :
You, World, think we're all crazy, but we found the idea !
- "We will go at night ! "
some love for Belgium ! ♥
Ps: If anyone want correct me he's welcome ! Thanks /carmabound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvna3/when_belgian_people_want_go_into_the_sun/
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What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump?

Snow White Supremacist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvn07/what_do_you_call_a_disney_princess_that_supports/
%
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant

but then I changed my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvke3/i_wasnt_originally_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
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Restaurant Productivity Enhancer

A man gets seated at a restaurant and accidentally knocks a spoon off his table. A waiter immediately rushes over, pulls out a spoon from his breast pocket and places it on the table. The man is impressed: "Do you always carry a spoon in your pocket?" The waiter replies, "Yes. Management conducted a study which determined that 17.8% of our patrons knock over their spoon during the course of their meal. So management now requires us to carry a spoon as a productivity enhancement measure so we don't have to make so many trips to the kitchen or clean utensils. The patron is duly impressed.
During the course of his meal, he notices that all the waiters have strings coming out of their front pants zippers. He calls over his waiter. "I couldn't help but notice the string coming out of yours and the other waiter's zippers..." "Ah, yes," the waiter replies, "another management productivity device. Every waiter is required to have a string tied to his penis so when we have to urinate, rather than touching ourselves which would make our hands dirty, we use the string to pull it out." Perplexed, the patron then asks: "Then how do you, um, 'tuck yourself back in'?" The waiter replies: "We use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvjll/restaurant_productivity_enhancer/
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A woman went to a grocery store..

She gets a shopping cart and went to buy the stuff she needs.
First, she bought a tray of eggs.
Next, 3 bottles of milk.
And last, lettuce.
Now that she's done, she went to the cashier and puts her groceries on the conveyer belt.
The clerk, saw the stuff she bought.
He noticed the tray of eggs, the bottles of milk, and the lettuce.
The clerk told the woman, "You must be single."
And the woman, was so shocked and surprised on what the clerk said, "Yes, I am single! How do you know?" asked the woman with a shocked expression.
And the clerk responded, "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvi9u/a_woman_went_to_a_grocery_store/
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I was gonna tell a sodium joke but...

NA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvi0v/i_was_gonna_tell_a_sodium_joke_but/
%
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvcdf/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers/
%
shows up late for first day of new job *blames it on rush hour*

shows up late for second day of new job *blames it on rush hour 2*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvb39/shows_up_late_for_first_day_of_new_job_blames_it/
%
I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds

When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.
“Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart.
A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nvay7/i_was_surprised_to_see_that_i_weighed_144_pounds/
%
What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador!
I am not sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nv9wx/what_do_you_call_a_dog_magician/
%
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nv8y8/what_do_you_do_when_a_blonde_throws_a_grenade_at/
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Walmart scam

Yesterday I got scammed at a Walmart. I'll tell you how the scam works so you can avoid it.
When you get out of the shop, two sexy 20 years old girls dressed with very short blue jeans and tight t-shirts will be washing your car. They're very hot, you can't avoid admiring them. When you get into your car and pull out your wallet to pay them for the good job, they will refuse money and ask you to drive them to another Walmart instead. **Be careful, this is when the scam starts**. While driving, one of the girls will bend over you and start to give you oral sex, while the other will get your wallet and steal all your money.
I got fooled with this trick once yesterday, twice today and I'll also go to Walmart tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nv6no/walmart_scam/
%
*follows Dreams*

~dream doesn't follow back~
~unfollows Dream~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nv5xd/follows_dreams/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

.and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good looking'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nv3bx/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between prostitutes and onions?

I cry when I cut onions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nv2k0/whats_the_difference_between_prostitutes_and/
%
Why are muslim charities the worst to donate to?

Because they are for prophet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nv0pr/why_are_muslim_charities_the_worst_to_donate_to/
%
A woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red...

She asked her friend, who was a keen gardener, what she should do.
The man thought and shyly replied, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my garden in a trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was dubious, but decided to try doing the same thing to her tomatoes to see if it would work.
So twice a day, for two weeks, she flashed her garden in the morning and at night.
A few weeks later she bumped into her friend who asked if his advice had worked.
"No, not really" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nuz2e/a_woman_loved_growing_tomatoes_but_couldnt_seem/
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A Nerd joke..

A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nuyrg/a_nerd_joke/
%
A genie and an idiot

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nuxmd/a_genie_and_an_idiot/
%
An elephant asks a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"

"Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from someone whose cock is on his face".
And the elephant replies: "Says the one with vaginas on his feet".The snake laughs at them.
The elephant and the camel yelled: "Still better than someone with eyes on his cock".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nux4r/an_elephant_asks_a_camel_why_are_your_breasts_on/
%
Guys, I love this subreddit, but we shouldn't joke about people dying...

It's a very grave subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nuv3u/guys_i_love_this_subreddit_but_we_shouldnt_joke/
%
Why can't Donald Trump drive through Mexico?

Jesus took the wheel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nuuyj/why_cant_donald_trump_drive_through_mexico/
%
Blowjob

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nuufa/blowjob/
%
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish...

The results speak for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nund1/scientists_have_grown_human_vocal_chords_in_a/
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Did you know that Hitler survived World War 2?

He's currently a mod at r/news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4numms/did_you_know_that_hitler_survived_world_war_2/
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A few weeks ago my barber cut my hair too short.

I didn't like how it looked at all, but now it's growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nug9p/a_few_weeks_ago_my_barber_cut_my_hair_too_short/
%
TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nuftd/til_in_1974_russians_accidentally_blew_up_their/
%
My father told me that I should condition more and shampoo less

I told him to stop getting in the shower with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nucxp/my_father_told_me_that_i_should_condition_more/
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What starts with a 'C', contains the letters U, N, and T, is hairy on the outside, and soft on the inside?

A coconut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nucd4/what_starts_with_a_c_contains_the_letters_u_n_and/
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What do you call a white guy in an abusive relationship?

Whipped cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nuavq/what_do_you_call_a_white_guy_in_an_abusive/
%
Learning to love yourself is important.

Just don't let your wife catch you doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nu8gl/learning_to_love_yourself_is_important/
%
Why do Italians throw pizza onto the field after they win a match?

Because they rain supreme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nu4fg/why_do_italians_throw_pizza_onto_the_field_after/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nu0az/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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I met a girl with twelve boobs.

Sounds weird, dozentit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ntwao/i_met_a_girl_with_twelve_boobs/
%
How many /r/news mods does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They like to keep their subscribers in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ntw0m/how_many_rnews_mods_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Geography class

-Whats the capital of Germany?
-Berlin teacher
-Whats the capital of France?
-Berlin again teacher
-Whats the capital of Poland?
-Still Berlin teacher
-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!
-We'll see about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ntuns/geography_class/
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Tentickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ntuf8/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ntsjf/why_did_the_console_peasant_cross_the_road/
%
So I went to the zoo today and all they had was a dog.

It was a shihtzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ntq23/so_i_went_to_the_zoo_today_and_all_they_had_was_a/
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I've been thinking about manufacturing and selling landmines disguised as prayer mats...

...prophets would go through the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ntp5c/ive_been_thinking_about_manufacturing_and_selling/
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What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?

Single

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ntkx3/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_with_long_fingernails/
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Whats the same about r/news and apples?

Both are hand picked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nthy5/whats_the_same_about_rnews_and_apples/
%
How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four. One to screw in the light bulb and three to talk about how Neil Peart could've done it better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ntbi9/how_many_drummers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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$100 BILL TATTOO

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ntb98/100_bill_tattoo/
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As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ntar4/as_a_german_you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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Why do the Lannisters have such a big bed?

They pushed two twins together and made a king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nt9ew/why_do_the_lannisters_have_such_a_big_bed/
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Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

To prevent Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nt5ro/why_does_donald_trump_take_xanax/
%
Everyone says I should sign up for a 401k

but I don't think I can run that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nswvu/everyone_says_i_should_sign_up_for_a_401k/
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What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nswd3/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
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My best joke today is....

r/news sub count.
Literally just go there and press f5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nsvsi/my_best_joke_today_is/
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Through voting, users determine what posts rise to the top of community pages and, by extension, the public home page of the site

...until the mods wake up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nsvp5/through_voting_users_determine_what_posts_rise_to/
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Kennedy put a man on the moon....

Obama put a man in the ladies room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nsvbx/kennedy_put_a_man_on_the_moon/
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Whats The hardest thing about rollerblading

Telling your Dad you're Gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nsseh/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_rollerblading/
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Passwords....

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."
roses
"Sorry, too few characters."
pretty roses
"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
1 pretty rose
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
1prettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
1fuckingprettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
1FUCKINGprettyrose
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."
1FuckingPrettyRose
"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!
"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow
"Sorry, that password is already in use."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nsr1m/passwords/
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What did the chef say to his assistant when he got handed the wrong ingredients?

This is neither the thyme nor the plaice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nsneu/what_did_the_chef_say_to_his_assistant_when_he/
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Have you ever walked into a room and forgot what you went in for?

I done it the other day, I walked in and completely forgot why - my mind went blank.
3 seconds later I shat myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nsibh/have_you_ever_walked_into_a_room_and_forgot_what/
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only 2, but I don't know how they got in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nshlz/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
How to end world hunger ?

By letting the hungry die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nsef1/how_to_end_world_hunger/
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Death toll in Orlando club shooting hits 50

Most of the survivors found were in the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nse55/death_toll_in_orlando_club_shooting_hits_50/
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What do Reddit and building a mile long fence have in common?

Post...repost.....repost....repost...repost...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nsdtu/what_do_reddit_and_building_a_mile_long_fence/
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In 1828 Franz Schubert was buried next to Beethoven...

They wanted to decompose together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nsb0u/in_1828_franz_schubert_was_buried_next_to/
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I thought my wife was joking when she said ........

she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland.....
Then I saw her face... now I'm in Geneva!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ns61o/i_thought_my_wife_was_joking_when_she_said/
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To /r/news

China just called, they want their censorship back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ns3li/to_rnews/
%
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? [NSFW]

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash and resell her crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ns2kl/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
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I hired a private investigator but he spent two days staring at my hedges

Turned out he was a privet investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ns2d9/i_hired_a_private_investigator_but_he_spent_two/
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An atheist walks into a bar...

No one dies and everyone has a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ns1nj/an_atheist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The 3 Spies

There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ns1dq/the_3_spies/
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Olympic Condoms.

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.
" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"
" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."
" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?"
" - Gold, obviously!"
" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrznm/olympic_condoms/
%
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

♫ Ba-dum-tiss ♫

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrzej/two_drums_and_a_cymbal_fall_off_a_cliff/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby..

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrydl/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
%
When I get a dog I am going to name it syndrome

Because when he jumps up on me I can shout "Down syndrome"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrwl3/when_i_get_a_dog_i_am_going_to_name_it_syndrome/
%
I raised the alarm at work today.

The midgets were all furious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrwce/i_raised_the_alarm_at_work_today/
%
Become a PhD

After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrwas/become_a_phd/
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Yes, it's me

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"
Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrte0/yes_its_me/
%
My favorite sex position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrtbj/my_favorite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
%
Someone rang me up today and tried to sell me a coffin.

I said that's the last thing I need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrsft/someone_rang_me_up_today_and_tried_to_sell_me_a/
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How do Hawaiians subtly enjoy a bad joke?

with a low "ha"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrsdt/how_do_hawaiians_subtly_enjoy_a_bad_joke/
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How do you know your S&M partner works in IT?

They insist your safe word has an upper case letter, a lower case letter, and at least one number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrrub/how_do_you_know_your_sm_partner_works_in_it/
%
A stupid joke that my mum tells me a lot

So there are two cows eating grass in a paddock. One cow looks up and says "moo". The other cow says "hey, I was gonna say that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrr4d/a_stupid_joke_that_my_mum_tells_me_a_lot/
%
What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

When you're done with the breast and thighs,  the only thing left is a greasy box to put your bone in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrq4f/what_does_a_woman_and_kentucky_fried_chicken_have/
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A shark is teaching her son how to eat a human

Shark: First, do a full circle around him, then go forward a bit. Repeat this step until you are very close to the human, then eat it.
Baby shark: Ok but why do we have to turn around it? Can't we just eat it normally?
Shark: Well... I guess, but why would you want to eat it with all the shit inside?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrn00/a_shark_is_teaching_her_son_how_to_eat_a_human/
%
I like my women like I like my microwaves...

... cold on the outside, and kills any baby that you put inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrmxl/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_microwaves/
%
I used to be addicted to the Hokey-Pokey

But then I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrl4b/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokeypokey/
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What did the /r/news mod say to the other /r/news mod?

[censored]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nreui/what_did_the_rnews_mod_say_to_the_other_rnews_mod/
%
A black dude and his white friend goes into a bakery

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The white man replies, "Look in the black mans back pocket....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nre9t/a_black_dude_and_his_white_friend_goes_into_a/
%
What kind of fish is made of just two atoms?

2 Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nre9n/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_of_just_two_atoms/
%
R/News

that about covers it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nrb0c/rnews/
%
Old joke from former Eastern Germany: An archeology team was having trouble determining the age of human remains that they found deep in a cave, so they called in the best forensics teams from the CIA, KGB and the Stasi....

The CIA team goes in first with all their equipment and comes out about 4 hours later.
"As far as we can determine, the remains are about 500,000 years old."
Not to be outdone by the CIA, the KGB goes in and comes out about 8 hours later.
"The remains are approximately 515,550 years old. This is what we have been able to determine with our superior forensics technology."
Before the KGB is even done giving their report, the 2-man Stasi team is already making their way towards the cave. They are carrying just a duffle bug with them. They enter the cave and make their way towards the remains. Soon after, sounds of shouting, swearing and banging start coming out of the cave and they don't let up for 2 whole days. When the Stasi forensics team finally leaves the cave, they are dirty and disheveled, their clothes ripped and their tools are damaged.
"So, the remains are 515,553 years, 7 months, 3 weeks and 5 days old."
Amazed and dumbfounded, the archeologists and other forensics teams ask how they could possible determine the age of the remains to such an exact date.
The Stasi agents look knowingly at each other and one of them says, "He confessed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nr5dv/old_joke_from_former_eastern_germany_an/
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Today I decided to burn some calories..

So I lit a fat kid on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nr5b4/today_i_decided_to_burn_some_calories/
%
An English couple have a child

After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop normally. It can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason the German child never speaks. The concerned parents take it to the doctor, who reassures them that as the German child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom. Years pass. The German child enters its teens, and still it is not speaking, though in all other respects it is fully functional. The German child's mother is especially distressed by this, but attempts to conceal her sadness. One day she makes the German child, who is now 17 years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup, and takes it through to him in the parlour where he is listening to a wind-up gramophone record player. Soon, the German child appears in the kitchen and suddenly declares, "Mother. This soup is a little tepid." The German child's mother is astonished. "All these years," she exclaims, "we assumed you could not speak. And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?" "Because, mother," answers the German child, "up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nr4i2/an_english_couple_have_a_child/
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An old French lady

had a small shop in her village for years, until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop.
They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said "Butter - 10 francs". In response, the lady added a sign to her own window, "Butter - 9 francs".
The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign, "Butter - 8 francs". Sure enough, the day after the lady's sign now read "7 francs".
This went on for a while, until eventually one of the lady's customers pointed to the sign and said, "Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete."
In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered, "Monsieur, I don't even sell butter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nr3bp/an_old_french_lady/
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Me and my baby mama are gonna name the kid Pun

It wasn't intended

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nr38q/me_and_my_baby_mama_are_gonna_name_the_kid_pun/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nr0p3/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
If your girlfriend starts smoking...

Slow down and use a lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nqxzj/if_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
%
How many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already lit fam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nqx77/how_many_sup_dudes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
People are like lottery tickets.

You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nqw6c/people_are_like_lottery_tickets/
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Wanna hear a joke about my dick?

Never mind, it's too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nqtv1/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_my_dick/
%
Mom and daughter action

A guy saw a lady at a bar. She was definitely attractive, but he could tell she was a little older, orthopedic shoes, wrinkles creeping up around the mouth and eyes. But after a few drinks these things faded away and he went and talked to her.
After a few drinks together they decided to head back to her place. They get there and the lady kind of gives him a sly grin and asks if he might be interested in something a little more kinky... Maybe some mom and daughter action?
The guy was stoked because if she looked this good at her age, her daughter must be smoking hot. So he enthusiastically agreed.
They head upstairs together. The woman quietly knocks on a door and whispers, "Mom, are you awake?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nqtjh/mom_and_daughter_action/
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When a necrophiliac goes to a funeral...

He gets mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nqt6l/when_a_necrophiliac_goes_to_a_funeral/
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Jokes on this subreddit are like your dick.

Usually mistaken to be long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nqqxt/jokes_on_this_subreddit_are_like_your_dick/
%
I used to be addicted to soap

but I'm clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nqj8c/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body

207, 206, 207, 206, 207……

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nqi7s/my_girlfriend_has_206_bones_in_her_body/
%
The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting

Then it brought me down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nqezg/the_first_time_i_used_an_elevator_it_was_really/
%
For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nqez2/for_christmas_my_mum_bought_me_a_tshirt_saying_im/
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That ain't my baby

A Hill Billy lives deep in southern Alabama hills and wants to get a divorce. Early the next morning he goes into town in search of a lawyer.
He enters an attorney's office and spots the secretary across the room and walks over to ask, "Where can I find me a law-yer?"
The secretary replies, "Down the street on the right."
The Hill Billy finds the lawyer and proclaims, "I want to get a de-vorce."
"Do you have any grounds?"
"Why sure I do, I have 40 acres back in...."
"No, that's not what I mean. Does your wife.. beat you?"
"No sir, I get up at 4:30 am everyday, my wife has never beat me for 30 years!"
"No, no, I don't think you understand what I am trying to get at. Is she a nagger?"
"No, but that baby she just had sure is a na-gger, and that's why I want a de-vorce!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nqe18/that_aint_my_baby/
%
Stapleton Airport Incident

(This one is pretty old folks)
As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F**k you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nqbad/stapleton_airport_incident/
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What's the difference between Kim Kardashian and the Titanic?

Ones full of dead semen and the other one is the Titanic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nq99a/whats_the_difference_between_kim_kardashian_and/
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nq133/construction_worker_on_the_5th_floor_of_a/
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Why Did 9Gag Cross The Road?

To steal a Reddit User's post on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nq0s0/why_did_9gag_cross_the_road/
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If you find it hard to take pictures of yourself in the sauna...

You have selfie-steam issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npxqt/if_you_find_it_hard_to_take_pictures_of_yourself/
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Man was rushed to ER after putting 4 plastic horses up his ass...

After being treated, doctor described his state as stable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nppge/man_was_rushed_to_er_after_putting_4_plastic/
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I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people

I'm just
saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npnj5/im_not_saying_lets_go_kill_all_the_stupid_people/
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A rich guy and a poor guy are discussing what to get for their wives' birthdays.

Rich guy: I am going to get my wife a Porsche and a diamond ring.
Poor guy: But why?
Rich: Well, if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can just drive down to the jewelers in the Porsche and exchange it. What are you going to get YOUR wife by the way?
Poor: I am going to get her a pair of slippers and a dildo.
Rich: But why?
Poor: If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npmq5/a_rich_guy_and_a_poor_guy_are_discussing_what_to/
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An old lady walks into a bank with a big bag of money

One of the employees asks her what she wants.
Old Lady: I'm here to open an account and I want to deposit all this money into the bank.
"Whoa, that's a whole lot of money", the employee said. "You'll have to talk to the manager."
The employee escorts her to the manager's office, tells the manager everything and leaves.
Manager: Well. We'll deposit your money. How much is it anyway?
Old Lady: A million dollars.
Manager: Whoa! But I don't understand one thing. How did an old lady like you manage to make so much?
Old Lady: I do betting on random things with people.
Manager: And you managed to make so much out of it. Would you care to play one bet with me as well?
Old Lady: Yes! Just seeing you I can bet $100,000 that your testicles are cubical.
Manager: What? That's insane. I know my testicles are round. Do you really want to place your money on such a stupid bet?
Old Lady: Do you want to play the bet or not?
Manager: Okay! You're on.
Old Lady: Okay! But to make sure that you don't cheat, I'll do this tomorrow morning in front of a witness.
Manager: Fine. No problem.
The next day, the lady comes with a man who's meant to be the witness.
Old Lady: Are you ready?
Manager: Yes, absolutely.
Manager takes down his pants and says, "See, it's all round. Nothing's cubical."
Old Lady: "It's not very clear from here. Can I touch and check. After all $100,000 is at stake.
Manager: Yeah, sure. Check all you want.
So the lady walks up to the manager and holds his testicles to check thoroughly.
Meanwhile the witness she brought starts banging his head to the wall.
Manager asks him, "What happened to you?"
Witness: This bitch made a bet with me for $500,000 yesterday that the bank manager's testicles will be in her hands this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npmef/an_old_lady_walks_into_a_bank_with_a_big_bag_of/
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I've noticed that I can't leave the house without listening to Back in Black 3 times..

I think I have OCDC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npm33/ive_noticed_that_i_cant_leave_the_house_without/
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My girlfriend didn't believe me when I said I could make a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nplv4/my_girlfriend_didnt_believe_me_when_i_said_i/
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Whats the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

a pickpocket snatches watches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npiw2/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nphvf/whats_10_inches_long_hard_as_a_rock_full_of_semen/
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Boy: "Isn't the principal a dummy!

"
Girl: "Say, do you know who I am?"
Boy: "No."
Girl: "I'm the principal's daughter."
Boy: "And do you know who I am?"
Girl: "No,"
Boy: "Thank god!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npgny/boy_isnt_the_principal_a_dummy/
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I invented a motorized walking stick..

I call it the hurrycane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npgfh/i_invented_a_motorized_walking_stick/
%
I look ugly without glasses..

Even though I've never worn glasses in my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npfo9/i_look_ugly_without_glasses/
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always left the lights off when having sex

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npeet/always_left_the_lights_off_when_having_sex/
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I wasn't going to get a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npdm3/i_wasnt_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
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I hate Russian nesting dolls

They're so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npdbj/i_hate_russian_nesting_dolls/
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I had sex with my teacher

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npd2r/i_had_sex_with_my_teacher/
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Three Dumb ER Stories You’re Allowed To Laugh At

Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ”
“Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in the shower and got nervous.’”
“Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npciy/three_dumb_er_stories_youre_allowed_to_laugh_at/
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Winston Churchill enters the Men's room...

... at the House of Commons, and see Clement Attlee, the Head of the Labor Party. Rather than joining Attlee and conversing, Churchill goes to the far end of the piss trough. Attlee says, "What's the matter Winnie, not feeling sociable today?" Churchill replies, "No, it's just that whenever you Socialist boys see something big, you want to nationalize it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4npc3e/winston_churchill_enters_the_mens_room/
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How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

If she has to chew before she swallows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4np96u/how_do_you_know_if_you_have_a_high_sperm_count/
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A cop pulls over a reverend

The Reverend rolls down the window and asks: What's the problem Officer?
The cop replies with: Reverend have you been drinking?
The Reverend is fumbled and says : No Officer, just water.
Cop smirks and says : Why do I smell wine?
The Reverend exclaims and says: Good Lord he's done it again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4np8is/a_cop_pulls_over_a_reverend/
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How did the mathematician solve his problem with constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4np4xv/how_did_the_mathematician_solve_his_problem_with/
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Today I saw a guy on the street wearing a "Stop Snitching" shirt

I asked him where he got it. he wouldnt tell me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4np4js/today_i_saw_a_guy_on_the_street_wearing_a_stop/
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I'm torn on what i really think about masturbation.

on one hand it feels good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4np3h7/im_torn_on_what_i_really_think_about_masturbation/
%
Add a word to ruin a movie:

- Batman Begins College
- The Longest Yard Sale
- Charlottes Web Cam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4np2dy/add_a_word_to_ruin_a_movie/
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How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4np16o/how_did_the_farmer_find_the_sheep_in_the_tall/
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According to my doctor, it'd be healthiest to stay away from trans fats.

I'm really going to miss tumblr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nozyz/according_to_my_doctor_itd_be_healthiest_to_stay/
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A guy is walking along the beach..

When he notices a limbless woman sitting in the sand alone crying. He approaches her and asks her what's wrong.
Woman: I'm sitting here crying because I have no limbs, and because of that no man has ever wanted to fuck me.
Man: Well, lady.. I think I can help you with that.
He picks her up from the ground and holds her in his arms. The woman is filled with joy and stares longingly into his eyes.. and he throws her into the ocean.
As he watches her struggle to swim he yells out "YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nozxk/a_guy_is_walking_along_the_beach/
%
Why don't blacks take cruises?

They ain't falling for that shit again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nozc3/why_dont_blacks_take_cruises/
%
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree.....

I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4noyif/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree/
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Hitler walks into a bar...

The bartender does a double take but doesn't say anything at first. "This cant be!" the bartender thinks to himself. Finally he decides to bring it up.
"Hey man, I don't want to bother you," says the bartender, "but you look *just* like Hitler."
"I am Hitler," says the fuhrer. "I'm back. And this time, I'm gonna kill eight million Jews **and** three rodeo clowns."
"Three rodeo clowns?" asks the puzzled bartender.
Hitler says "see? No one gives a fuck about the Jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4noy3f/hitler_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's it called when a smart girl jerks you off?

A stroke of genius!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4novyw/whats_it_called_when_a_smart_girl_jerks_you_off/
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What did the tree say while it was being transplanted?

Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4notrp/what_did_the_tree_say_while_it_was_being/
%
What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman?

He parks his car, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nosf3/what_does_a_jamaican_do_when_he_sees_a_spaceman/
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What's the difference between telling a good joke and sex?

Dunno. I'm pretty shit at both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nonzx/whats_the_difference_between_telling_a_good_joke/
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to change it and one to tell her she did a really good job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4non7h/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What is a missionary's favorite car

a convertible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nomtk/what_is_a_missionarys_favorite_car/
%
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Because their sheep can hear zippers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nompv/why_do_scottish_men_wear_kilts/
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I hear cancer is hard to beat

No one got past stage 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nol7b/i_hear_cancer_is_hard_to_beat/
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Yes I read reddit on the toilet

I do it for shits and giggles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nokuc/yes_i_read_reddit_on_the_toilet/
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It's quiet...too quiet...

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't find a singing partner?
She had to buy a duet yourself kit...
*-drops mic-*
*-mike jumps up and promptly kicks hatter in the shin-*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nojz0/its_quiettoo_quiet/
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Did you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner?

Yeah, he got the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4noj36/did_you_hear_about_the_cannibal_who_was_late_to/
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What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen?

Don't ask her out again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4noi5p/what_do_you_do_if_a_bird_shits_on_your_windscreen/
%
I just wanna give a shout out to the ancients, for inventing the calendar.

It has made my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nogge/i_just_wanna_give_a_shout_out_to_the_ancients_for/
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The kind of woman that ya make your wife.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nofil/the_kind_of_woman_that_ya_make_your_wife/
%
How my day went today

1. Woke up
2. Went to work
3. Saw hot girl
4. Kissed the girl
Too bad it happened in the order 2,3,4,1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4noeex/how_my_day_went_today/
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i made a joke about /r/jokes mods

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4noe1m/i_made_a_joke_about_rjokes_mods/
%
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia.

Well he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nocq9/my_doctor_just_told_me_i_was_suffering_from/
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And the peanuts...please...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Don't forget the coffee!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4noa3h/and_the_peanutsplease/
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A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.

"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4no8iv/a_man_comes_home_to_find_his_wife_of_10_years/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4no8ft/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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My Pastor Told me this one

Two nuns ran out of gas on their way to a hospital and are sitting on the side of the road. They decide to pray and ask God to help them. A man comes by and tells them, "I can take you to get gas but i have no gas can." The nuns decided to use some bed pans they had in the trunk. They go to the gas station and get gas and come back to the car. While one of the sisters is pouring the gas from the bed pan into the car, a preacher is driving by with his son. The preacher points out the nuns to his boy and says
"Look son, now that's some faith."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4no82g/my_pastor_told_me_this_one/
%
I'm thinking of giving away my broken marionette.

No strings attached

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4no6t1/im_thinking_of_giving_away_my_broken_marionette/
%
My army buddy was jerking off one night.

He was discharged by dawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4no647/my_army_buddy_was_jerking_off_one_night/
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What does a horny frog say?

Rub it- rub it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4no5kr/what_does_a_horny_frog_say/
%
My wife was happy today

I came home super drunk last night. She said that when she snuck in bed and was about to tell me off, I said "Go away I have a wife." I don't think she realises I only say that to the ugly girls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4no59m/my_wife_was_happy_today/
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What part of a hospital does an abortion patient avoid?

The right wing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4no4ub/what_part_of_a_hospital_does_an_abortion_patient/
%
At the grocery store.

Customer: "Are these GMO carrots?"
Worker: "No, why do you ask?"
Carrot: "Yeah, why do you ask?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4no3ic/at_the_grocery_store/
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Women are like Hurricanes

They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4no0bh/women_are_like_hurricanes/
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Whats the difference between a boy scout and a jew?

A boy scout comes home from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnye7/whats_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a_jew/
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Did you hear about the woman who ordered a double entendre at the bar?

The bartender reached under the bar whipped it out and gave it to her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnwn9/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_ordered_a_double/
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She was going to tell a joke

Guy: I was going to tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long.
Girl: I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnwn6/she_was_going_to_tell_a_joke/
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I gave my wife one last chance to suck my dick...

She blew it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnv9a/i_gave_my_wife_one_last_chance_to_suck_my_dick/
%
A pirate walks into a bar

And sits down next to another pirate. He asks him if he'd like a drink and adjusts his eye patch. The second pirate brightens up and says, "Would I?!"
The first pirate gets up, angry and says "Screw you, peg leg!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnv4o/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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An American, German and Russian go swimming

, the Russian gets ready to jump in but the American stops him and says
"Careful i put in a chlorine tablet not long ago, you might want to wait"
The Russian responds with "Ill be fine, a little chlorine never hurt anyone"
The German on the lawn chair starts laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnq66/an_american_german_and_russian_go_swimming/
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I like Kanye West as much as the next guy...

...as long as the next guy isn't Kanye West.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnq67/i_like_kanye_west_as_much_as_the_next_guy/
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Little Mary

came home from Little Johnny's house and called out:
"Hey, Mom, guess what! Johnny has a penis like a peanut!"
Her mother was understandably confused for a second,then queried: "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
"No, silly, I mean it tastes salty!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnpou/little_mary/
%
why don't black people go on cruises?

Because they already fell for that shit once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnpnv/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
%
inspired by the girl who was surprised after drawing her eyebrows too high

I tried to tell this foreign exchange student that she drew one of her eyebrows higher than the other, but I don't think her English was very good because she looked confused ​

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnped/inspired_by_the_girl_who_was_surprised_after/
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A cop stopped a guy for speeding...

He said, "I have been waiting all day for someone like you."
And the guy answered, "That's why I wanted to be here as fast as possible !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnnc3/a_cop_stopped_a_guy_for_speeding/
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The Mexican magician

The Mexican Magician tells the audience she will disappear on the count of three. He says "uno...dos...*poof*" he disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnloe/the_mexican_magician/
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When you get pulled over by a cop...

A cop pulled me over and said "Papers..." So I said "Scissors!" and drove off ; )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnk62/when_you_get_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
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I hope death is a woman.

That way, it will never come for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnh3b/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
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How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest.

Alien vs predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nngyr/how_do_you_advertise_a_boxing_match_between_a/
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I've always liked prostitutes...

Personally, I feel like they give me the most bang for the buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnf95/ive_always_liked_prostitutes/
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2 Priests go to the beach...

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.
They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.
The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.
The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."
"Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"
The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Katherine from the convent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nndl0/2_priests_go_to_the_beach/
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What does the tree says in autumn ?

Leaf me alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nnc4i/what_does_the_tree_says_in_autumn/
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What does Donald Trump play most of the time?

President Evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nna3a/what_does_donald_trump_play_most_of_the_time/
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A MATH PROFESSOR'S MISTAKE

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says My dear now that you are 60 years old there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me.
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: You my dear are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor  I m sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So don't you wait up for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmybj/a_math_professors_mistake/
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Why do spoons live such diverse lives?

They like to mix it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmxv9/why_do_spoons_live_such_diverse_lives/
%
Ever wonder why children tend to ignore their parents who underwent a sex change op?

It's because they are trans-parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmx6l/ever_wonder_why_children_tend_to_ignore_their/
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A guy phones the local hospital and yells,

'A guy phones the local hospital and yells, 'You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!'
The nurse says, 'Calm down. Is this her first child?'
He replies, 'No! This is her husband!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmwuu/a_guy_phones_the_local_hospital_and_yells/
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An artist found a way to draw a two-sided figure, but the International Geometry Summit immediately began to furiously contest the new shape...

I say, let bi-gons be bi-gons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmw5b/an_artist_found_a_way_to_draw_a_twosided_figure/
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What's the similarity between Divorce and tornados in the Midwest?

Someone's losing their trailer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmvxi/whats_the_similarity_between_divorce_and_tornados/
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What does a successful CS:GO bettor spend the money on?

Vacation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmua3/what_does_a_successful_csgo_bettor_spend_the/
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My mother gave me her old dildo

She said it's been in the family for centuries.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmrkc/my_mother_gave_me_her_old_dildo/
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How did the sailor deal with the death of his friend?

He sent out a message in remorse code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmp9t/how_did_the_sailor_deal_with_the_death_of_his/
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[Long] A mathematician and his infinite amount of friends walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "what will you all be having?" The mathematician then says, "I'll have a beer and my friend will have half a beer, my other friend will have a quarter of a beer. My other friend will have an eighth of a beer, then a sixteenth," etc. This goes on for a while and after about 40 or more orders, the bartender pipes up, "Jeez, you mathematicians sure don't know your limits," and places two beers down on the counter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmp56/long_a_mathematician_and_his_infinite_amount_of/
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Girls from England?

A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent.  He asks, "Are you ladies from England?"  One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!"  So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry.   So, are you two whales from England?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmomz/girls_from_england/
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Man and Woman Joke

A man and a woman have been married for 5 years and every night before bed the woman fondles with the man's balls. One night, the man asked "I'm not complaining, but why do you like to do that so much?" She simply replied "Because I miss mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmoco/man_and_woman_joke/
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What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmnjx/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_two_brain_cells/
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My friend asked his fiance to marry him with a song.

The proposal had a nice ring to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmmxp/my_friend_asked_his_fiance_to_marry_him_with_a/
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How to Spot a Blind Nudist

How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach?
Well it's not hard, really...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmhvm/how_to_spot_a_blind_nudist/
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How do you know if an Italian person is mute?

When you see he has no hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmh8r/how_do_you_know_if_an_italian_person_is_mute/
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What do you call a guy who falls into a Yellowstone hot spring?

Stew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmg1t/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_falls_into_a/
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What does a pedophile and a tortoise have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmfz4/what_does_a_pedophile_and_a_tortoise_have_in/
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Scientists recently did a study

on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmfld/scientists_recently_did_a_study/
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Little Johnny is goofing off in math class and Ms. McHeiney calls on him.

"Johnny, three birds are sitting on a fence, you shoot one of them how many are left."  Johnny sits up straight and says "none, the bang would make the others fly away."  Ms. McHeiney says, "well, the answer is two, but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says "OK, I have one for you, three women are eating ice cream cones, one is biting it, one is licking it, one is sucking on it, which one is married?"  Stumped Ms. McHeiney says "uhhhh, the one sucking on it?" Johnny puffs out his chest and says "well, the answer is the one with the wedding band, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nmfhn/little_johnny_is_goofing_off_in_math_class_and_ms/
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Why do black people buy old police cars?

They never got to ride in the front seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nm58y/why_do_black_people_buy_old_police_cars/
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I'd like to thank /r/jokes for teaching me so many jokes!

I've always hated the sound of laughter...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nm1xt/id_like_to_thank_rjokes_for_teaching_me_so_many/
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Where does the cynic go to pray

The Cynicgogue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nlzt9/where_does_the_cynic_go_to_pray/
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How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. He holds the bulb and the room spins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nlzo1/how_many_drunks_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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Dear redditors,...

...one friend of mine bought a ticket to the European Cup of Football, in 10th of July, without realizing that it's going to be on the exact same date as his wedding.
If anyone is interested to go in his place...
... the wedding is in Lisbon Cathedral and the wife is called Marie.
The drinks and the food were already paid, so you just have to appear and say "Yes, I do"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nlux7/dear_redditors/
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Mickey Mouse stood before the judge...

Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict on his divorce case.
"Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she is mentally ill, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent," proclaimed the judge.
"But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy.  I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nlu1x/mickey_mouse_stood_before_the_judge/
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nlswh/my_doctor_told_me_i_needed_to_stop_masturbating/
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A Costume Party

A man is having a costume party and the theme is emotions. When the man answered the door to the first guest, he sees a man painted green with the letters N and V on his chest. The man says that he is dressed as " Green with NV."
The second guest arrives and she is dressed in pink and covered in feathers, she says that she is "Tickled Pink."
Then the third guests arrived and it is two men, both of them completely naked and one of them has his penis in custard and the other has his penis in a pear. When the man who ran the party saw them he shouts "what the hell are yous suppost to be!"
The man with his penis in the custard then says to him "I'm fucking dis custard and he's came in dis pear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nlrnr/a_costume_party/
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Son to Father, I am not a virgin anymore

A teenage boy to his father: "Father, I am not a virgin anymore."
Father: "Wow that's great. Come, let's sit down and drink something to celebrate this moment."
Son: "Ok, I can drink with you but I really cannot sit down for a while."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nlp4k/son_to_father_i_am_not_a_virgin_anymore/
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Why did the diabetic win the weight lifting competition?

Because he was so good at pumping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nlo8s/why_did_the_diabetic_win_the_weight_lifting/
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What do you call an unwanted sext?

A molext.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nln6i/what_do_you_call_an_unwanted_sext/
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What do you call six gay people at an amusement park?

Six Fags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nlmoi/what_do_you_call_six_gay_people_at_an_amusement/
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I got infatuated with a pizza.

I thought it was just a *crust*. But damn, it was love at first *slice*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nlm64/i_got_infatuated_with_a_pizza/
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My friend who works at the movie theater died yesterday...

Funeral services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nllxu/my_friend_who_works_at_the_movie_theater_died/
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Why should you be scared of a white man in prison?

Because you know he is actually guilty.
Credit to /u/Ser_Rodrick_Cassel for the joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nlkk6/why_should_you_be_scared_of_a_white_man_in_prison/
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You know what's the biggest turn off for me?

Consent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nlgtp/you_know_whats_the_biggest_turn_off_for_me/
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How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nlg03/how_did_the_farmer_find_his_wife/
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What's the difference between Jesus and picture of Jesus ?

It takes only one nail to hold the picture up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nldzg/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_picture_of/
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A little old lady wanted to join a biker club...

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.
So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nldq6/a_little_old_lady_wanted_to_join_a_biker_club/
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Nursing School

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does during an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nl4oy/nursing_school/
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I just took laxatives and huffed some nitrous oxide...

for shits and giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nl4aa/i_just_took_laxatives_and_huffed_some_nitrous/
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The little black jewish boy...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nl482/the_little_black_jewish_boy/
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What did the dominatrix say after she spanked the wrong slave?

Whoops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nl474/what_did_the_dominatrix_say_after_she_spanked_the/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nl1fa/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
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Don't make school shooting jokes.

You can't imagine what went through their heads in their final moments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkzdg/dont_make_school_shooting_jokes/
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A husband and wife love golfing together, but they aren't very good, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway ... about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now take the club out of your mouth and try swinging it with your hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkz2s/a_husband_and_wife_love_golfing_together_but_they/
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"You're a unit of power Joe."

"I'm a Watt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nktzg/youre_a_unit_of_power_joe/
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Did blacks invent rape?

Or did they steal that too?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkt75/did_blacks_invent_rape/
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You finish?

A virile, young Italian man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted Italian falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Polish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nks33/you_finish/
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Guns don't kill people...

Husbands that come home early from work do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nko5w/guns_dont_kill_people/
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There was a sailor on a ship that was discovered to be gay.

When the others found out they tossed him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nknwk/there_was_a_sailor_on_a_ship_that_was_discovered/
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What's the difference between the Titanic and Kim Kardashian?

The number of people who rode the Titanic is known.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkmzw/whats_the_difference_between_the_titanic_and_kim/
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What's a Pirates worst nightmare?

A sunken chest and no booty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nklgh/whats_a_pirates_worst_nightmare/
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Just once, I'd like to wake my girlfriend up with up with oral sex...

...but she never sleeps with her mouth open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkl4s/just_once_id_like_to_wake_my_girlfriend_up_with/
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If mental hospitals had walkways...

They'd be called psychopaths.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkkuy/if_mental_hospitals_had_walkways/
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A very Christian woman

marries a very Christian man. Following the words of the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply," they have many children. 16 over the course of 18 years, to be exact.
A few years later, the husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. The lady remarries another man, and they have 17 children over the course of 22 years. The woman's second husband dies of old age.
The woman herself dies a few years later. At her funeral, her sister remarks, "Well, at least they're finally together."
"Who? She and her husbands?" asks the pastor.
"No," says the sister. "Her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkiua/a_very_christian_woman/
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Blessed Are The Red-Necked

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkhfi/blessed_are_the_rednecked/
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Trump's ego is so big...

Trump's ego is so big that when he bangs a super-model, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off.
-Seth Macfarlane, CC Roast of Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkh5b/trumps_ego_is_so_big/
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The pollen is so bad this year in Phoenix...

that tweekers are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkgt0/the_pollen_is_so_bad_this_year_in_phoenix/
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From my Botswanan friend

A man dies and goes to hell.
He finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.
He goes to Germany Hell and asks, 'What do they do here?' ... He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day'. The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.
He checks out the USA Hell as well as the Russia Hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.
Then he comes to the BOTSWANA Hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, 'What do they do here?'
He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The BOTSWANA devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.
'But, that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?' asks the man.
Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the BOTSWANA devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in; signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkgof/from_my_botswanan_friend/
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I've decided to get help with my drug habit.

I've managed to convince some friends to give me bulk discounts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkfl9/ive_decided_to_get_help_with_my_drug_habit/
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Some say youth is wasted on the young, I say wealth is wasted on the old.

Also Oxycontin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nke38/some_say_youth_is_wasted_on_the_young_i_say/
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What kind of church music do they sing in Finland?

FINNISH HYMN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkdef/what_kind_of_church_music_do_they_sing_in_finland/
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What did the dick say to the balls?

You two wait outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkchh/what_did_the_dick_say_to_the_balls/
%
Young Lily was going out on her first date.

She tells her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here, and let me tell you about all those young boys out there. They will try to kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. They are going to try to feel your breasts, you are going to like that, but don't let them do that.
They are going to try to put their hands between your legs, you are going to like that, but don't let them do that. Most importantly,  they are going to try to get on top of you and have their way with you. You are definitely going to like that, but NEVER let them do that, for it will disgrace the whole family.
With that bit of advice, young Lily went on her date.
The next day, she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. "Nana, I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried, I turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced his entire family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nkce0/young_lily_was_going_out_on_her_first_date/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nk726/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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Euro stereotypes - classic

What's the difference between Heaven and Hell?
In  Heaven:
the English are the cops; the French are the cooks; the Swiss are the bureaucrats; the Italians are the gigolos; the Germans are the mechanics.
In Hell:
the English are the cooks; the French are the bureaucrats; the Swiss are the gigolos; the Italians are the mechanics; the Germans are the cops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nk63z/euro_stereotypes_classic/
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So, you don't like hypothermia?

All the cool kids are getting it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nk2k3/so_you_dont_like_hypothermia/
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What do you call an undetectable black man?

Incognegro
I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nk2f0/what_do_you_call_an_undetectable_black_man/
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A guy walks into a bar and he asks for a drink..

The bartender says, "Ill give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke"
The guy says, "Ok. So a guy walks into a bar and he asks for a drink, and the bartender says, 'Ill give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke'. And the guy replies 'Ok. So a guy walks into a bar and he asks for a drink, and the bartender says, 'Here you go."So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nk1ym/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_he_asks_for_a_drink/
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What Do You Call A Fight Between An Illegal Immigrant And A Child Molester?

Alien vs. Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4njysh/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_an_illegal/
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A Blonde Asks For A Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4njwgj/a_blonde_asks_for_a_loan/
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"How long have you been chopping wood for?"

"I'm not sure, I'll check the logs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4njt3t/how_long_have_you_been_chopping_wood_for/
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I'm No Gynaecologist...

...but I know a cunt when I see one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4njq1o/im_no_gynaecologist/
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The true meaning of "bro code"

If a suspicious husband calls ten of his wife's friends about her last night's whereabouts, nine of them will tell him she wasn't there, and one will say she was.
If a suspicious wife calls ten of her husband's friends about his last night's whereabouts, nine of them will tell her he was with them, and one will insist that she only just missed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4njptg/the_true_meaning_of_bro_code/
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General Custer’s Last Stand

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4njouy/general_custers_last_stand/
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What happened when the child molester lost his job?

Classroom 3-A got a new teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4njo0r/what_happened_when_the_child_molester_lost_his_job/
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[Nsfw] What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbonzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4njnf3/nsfw_what_is_the_difference_between_a_chickpea/
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So the Queen of England and Dolly Pardon both due on the same day,

When they get to heaven St. Peters says, I only have room for one more person to get into heaven, so you have to tell me why you deserve to get in. Dolly Pardon grabs her boobs and says this is the best pair God ever made I deserve to get into heaven. The Queen of England, without missing a beat grabs a bottle of massengill and douches herself. St. Peters gestures for the Queen to walk in, Dolly Pardon is besides herself, she can't believe what just happened and ask what'sgoing on! St. Peters responds madame in case you didn't know a royal flush beats a pair any day of the week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4njkky/so_the_queen_of_england_and_dolly_pardon_both_due/
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I was having sex with a woman when her husband came early.

Premature ejaculation is killing our sex life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4njixi/i_was_having_sex_with_a_woman_when_her_husband/
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Why do they call wood carving "whittling"?

Because you start with a bigger piece of wood, and you make it whittler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nji0z/why_do_they_call_wood_carving_whittling/
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A man arrives at a restaurant with a snake wrapped around his neck.

"Hello, how may I help you?" The waiter asks.
"Can I have a hotdog for my snake, please?" The man replies.
"Okay, coming right up." The waiter walks back to the kitchen.
Five minutes later, the waiter returns. "I am very sorry, but we ran out of ingredients for our hotdog buns. Would you like your snake to eat just the hotdog?"
The man replies "No thanks. My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4njetw/a_man_arrives_at_a_restaurant_with_a_snake/
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Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

But his winter wasn't so hot...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4njdxa/humpty_dumpty_had_a_great_fall/
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I wanted to have a blimp of my own

But it is so above my reach due to all the inflation!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4njdgw/i_wanted_to_have_a_blimp_of_my_own/
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Three dogs are waiting at the vet....

The first dog turns to the second dog and says, "What are you here for?"
The second dog says, "Oh I'm a chewer. I chew on everything. Anything I can find I chew up completely."
The first dog says, "Oh man you are getting neutered."
The second dog says, "Oh no! This is terrible." Then says to the first dog, "Well why are you here?"
The first dog says, "Well I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. The bed, my owners clothes, the kids, anything. Sadly I'm here to get neutered too."
The second dog says, "Oh man that's terrible too!"
The first dog looks over to the third dog and says, "What are you here for?"
The third dog says, "I'm a humper. I hump everything. The couch, my toys, trees, anything. Whenever my owner gets out of the shower I run up to her, rip her towel off and hump the shit out of her!"
The first and second dog say, "Oh man you are getting neutered for sure!"
The third dog looks at them and says, "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4njbgr/three_dogs_are_waiting_at_the_vet/
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What do you call a fear of chainsaws?

Logic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nj92h/what_do_you_call_a_fear_of_chainsaws/
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What do you call an Arab riding a camel with a goat on a leash?

Bisexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nj8x9/what_do_you_call_an_arab_riding_a_camel_with_a/
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What is the gender of Iron Man?

Fe Male

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nj8ml/what_is_the_gender_of_iron_man/
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Why do pirates like birthday parties?

Doubloons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nj8ct/why_do_pirates_like_birthday_parties/
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What Do Twitter Users Call Themselves?

Twats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nj5sh/what_do_twitter_users_call_themselves/
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An eccentric billionaire throws a lavish party...

Please bear with me as I heard/read this one years ago so I might not recall the details correctly:
An eccentric billionaire is throwing a lavish party with guests from all over the world. As the party is well under way he asks his guests to walk over to his Olympic sized swimming pool where he had it filled with all kinds of dangerous creatures, sharks, piranhas, crocodiles, you name it it is there! So he tells his guests "I will give anything to the person who is brave enough to jump in the pool and swim across!" The place falls silent as the guests only whisper amongst themselves in bewilderment. "Anything that person can dream of will be his!" the billionaire tells the guests again. Suddenly a large splash is heard and a guy is seen struggling to swim through, and miraculously he makes it across! The room erupts in cheers and the billionaire approaches the man who swam across, and tells him "I am a man of my word, and since you made it across what do you desire? Money, mansions, my daughters hand in marriage?" The man still visibly shaken and struggling to catch his breath replies "I just want to know the name of the son of a bitch who pushed me in the pool!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nj3j7/an_eccentric_billionaire_throws_a_lavish_party/
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What is the opposite of pro?

Con.
What is the opposite of progress?
Congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nj2ff/what_is_the_opposite_of_pro/
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Today I asked the Director of Admissions at my University what the best thing about her job was...

And she said, "Well, I gotta admit..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nj2af/today_i_asked_the_director_of_admissions_at_my/
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An old couple visits the Natural History Museum.

An old couple visits the Natural History Museum and walks over to a large dinosaur skeleton on display.
"How old is this particular skeleton?" the old man asks one of the curators
"Well this one is 65 million years, 14 weeks and 3 days old" she replies
"Wow that's very specific, was that determined through carbon dating or some other method?" asks the old lady
"Actually, when I started working here they told me it was 65 million years old. That was 14 weeks and 3 days ago." the curator happily explains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nj1ix/an_old_couple_visits_the_natural_history_museum/
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A butcher backed into a meat grinder...

He got a little behind in his work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nj0hu/a_butcher_backed_into_a_meat_grinder/
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I was playing Battleship with my tumor...

I won though, my last hit was B9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nj09r/i_was_playing_battleship_with_my_tumor/
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Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day..

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.
He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock, tick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit.
He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.
Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nj07q/harveys_grandfather_clock_suddenly_stops_working/
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I hate it when a girl says the wrong name during sex.

They know my name isn't 'someone help'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nizu6/i_hate_it_when_a_girl_says_the_wrong_name_during/
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My son was thrown out of school today....

for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said "son, that's three schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4niytt/my_son_was_thrown_out_of_school_today/
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A handsome man fears he may have an awful terminal illness.

Thinking that if he did indeed have cancer as he suspected, and not really knowing much about how treatment worked, he thought that because he surely would never get laid again after he lost all of his beautiful hair that it would be best if he go to the doctors in one week.
So the man spends one week having sex with as many women as he came across in one night stands.
When he eventually gets into the doctors office, he says
"What's my diagnosis, doc?"
The doctor asks in reply
"What's your star sign?"
Without thinking, the man replies "Cancer, why?", right before it dawns on him what stupid joke might ensue.
The doctor smiles and says
"Don't worry, it's not what you think! You don't have cancer! I was just curious about all of my patients star signs!"
"Oh thank god!" Says the man. "I thought you were going to say something about it being ironic!"
But just then the nurse who had heard everything comes in, and - immediately recognising the man from a few nights before - falls about on the floor laughing.
"It is ironic!!" she exclaims. "You have crabs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nixy5/a_handsome_man_fears_he_may_have_an_awful/
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How did Captain Hook die?

He wiped with the wrong hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nivgt/how_did_captain_hook_die/
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What do you call an egg that is neither good nor bad?

Mediyolkre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nivg6/what_do_you_call_an_egg_that_is_neither_good_nor/
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A land whale walks into a restaurant

After this fat man sits down, he calls a waiter over and orders a sumptuous meal and a jumbo "diet" coke. He then calls the waiter over and says:
"Hey waiter! Turn up the AC! It's too damn hot!"
The waiter, being a compliant worker, heads back and emerges after a minute. After a few minutes, the man then calls the waiter over and says:
"Waiter! Now it's too damn cold! Turn the AC off!"
Again, the waiter happily strolls back to the kitchen and returns after a minute.
After this happens several more times, a concerned patron decides to intervene. He asks the waiter, "Hey, why don't you just tell the guy to stop complaining or get out? You're not his slave."
The waiter simply smiles at the patron and says, "Oh, I don't mind. We don't even have an air conditioner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4niu4h/a_land_whale_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early.

She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.
In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4niphi/i_was_having_sex_with_a_woman_when_her_husband/
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Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up.

"Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up." Said the Irish girl.
"A what?" Replied the mother with a startled expression on her face.
"A prostitute."
"Oh, a prostitute. Thank god, I thought you said a Protestant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nipe8/mom_i_want_to_be_a_prostitute_when_i_grow_up/
%
A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat...

A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat.
Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a margarita.
The chips say, "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy screams to the waiter, "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!!"
Waiter says, "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ninb5/a_guy_walks_into_a_mexican_restaurant_and_takes_a/
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Two clergy

A Catholic priest and a Jewish Rabbi are walking down the street together when they see a young boy walking their way.
The priest asks the Rabbi, "Do you want to fuck him?"
The Rabbi asks, "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nikfs/two_clergy/
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What did the stamp say to the letter?

Lick my ass and I'll take you places you've never been before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nik3i/what_did_the_stamp_say_to_the_letter/
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Hey now, gay jokes arent funny...

...cum on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nicmu/hey_now_gay_jokes_arent_funny/
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How do weathermen get up a mountain?

They climate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nickn/how_do_weathermen_get_up_a_mountain/
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A young married couple are out golfing together...

The man heads up to the first tee box with his driver and takes the biggest, hardest swing he can muster. As you'd expect from an amateur golfer, the ball slices hard right and off the fairway, breaking a window in a nearby house. Slightly embarrassed, the man says to his wife, "Well I feel bad. We'd better go knock on their door and offer to pay to replace the window." So, they put their game on hold and walk over to the house.
The man knocks on the door and waits a few seconds before hearing a male voice simply say, "Enter!" The couple walks in to a large, well-decorated house and stop in the entryway. They still don't see anyone or hear anyone speak, so the man says loudly, "Uhh... Hello?" The same voice is then heard from another room within the house saying, "Take a right, and then a left, and then another right. There, you'll find me."
Sure enough, the husband and wife follow the man's directions and find the source of the voice. There in the middle of a large area rug within a beautiful living room sits a man. He is cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but linen pants and a large turban. As they approach the man, the couple notices the golf ball had not only broken a picture window, but had then hit a decorative vase, which lie broken on the floor.
"My wife and I just came by so I could apologize for breaking your window and offer to pay to have it replaced," the man says, but is cut off. As the odd-looking man raises his hand and bows his head, he says, "Do not fret. I am a genie, and I have been trapped inside this vase for 5,000 years. I am very grateful for having been released, so I will now grant you three wishes."
Excitedly, the couple looked at one another and the man quickly piped up, "I could used about 20 million bucks!" to which the genie replied, "It is done. Take this slip of paper. On it is written your new account number."
Then, the woman says, "I've always wanted a chateau on river in Paris!" So the genie replied, "It is done. Take this slip of paper. On it is written the address to your new home."
Now, the two decided they should really think about their third wish. They began whispering off to the side about what they want it to be. Meanwhile, the genie asks, "May I interject? I have been trapped inside that vase without the company of a woman for 5,000 years. I've already granted you $20 million and a beautiful home in Paris. Would you possibly be open to allowing me 30 minutes in the bedroom with your lovely wife?"
The couple talks about it briefly, and eventually the man says, "Well I'm getting a ton of money out of the deal, and my wife is getting her dream home, so we've decided that would be okay."
So, the genie and the woman go into the other room and come out 30 minutes later. As the genie finds his place on the floor once again, the couple promptly returns to discussing their third wish. After another short period, the genie chimes in once again, saying, "Excuse me, if I may interrupt just one more time. How old are you sir?" The man, slightly confused, replies, "That's a weird question for a time like this, but I'm 29." Then the genie turns to the man's wife and asks, "And you ma'am, how old are you?" Visibly puzzled, she says, "That's hardly an appropriate question to ask a lady, but I'm 27."
To this, the genie takes a moment to stand up from his seated position and says, "Aren't you two a little old to believe in genies??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ni8g9/a_young_married_couple_are_out_golfing_together/
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What does Sonic say on the first day of Ramadan?

Gotta go fast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ni6zy/what_does_sonic_say_on_the_first_day_of_ramadan/
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if the gas station is 2 miles away..

..and my dad's car can travel at 60mph, why hasn't he returned from getting cigarettes after 6 years?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ni43e/if_the_gas_station_is_2_miles_away/
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Fattest Pig Contest

One day 3 farmers are coming back from town when they see a sign for the County Fair coming next month, right below the main advert is another for a Fattest Pig Contest. The farmers have pigs on their farm so they think they should enter.
When they get back to the farm the first farmer goes "Let's get the fattest pig we have" the second says "And lets feed him a lot every day till the competition" the third one goes "And let's plug him up back there with a cork to keep him from getting any skinnier".
So the farmers get a cork, plug their fattest pig up back there and begin feeding him copious amounts of food every day for a month. When it's time for the competition, they load him up into the back of their truck (after much struggle) and drive to the fair grounds. As you might think, their pig is the biggest there by a mile and they win the contest.
When they get back to the farm they realize they're kind of stuck with this really gigantic pig with a cork plugging it up and it looks like it's about to burst. They ask themselves who's going to be the one to unplug it. They all look at one another and say at the same "Not me". So they come up with the brilliant idea of buying a monkey and teaching it to unplug corks.
So they return to the fair ground and buy a monkey with some of their winnings from the contest. They start training it to uncork, on command, smaller things like wine bottles first, moving on to larger things like barrels. After a while they feel confident enough in their monkey's ability and take him and the pig outside to a large field.
They set the monkey next to the pig and first farmer says "You know what, I'm going to stand 10 feet back for this." The second says "Well I'm going to play it safer and stand 50 feet back." The third one goes "And I'm going to play it even safer and stand 100 feet back."
The moment of truth comes and they give the command to the monkey to unplug the cork from the pig.
The farmer standing 100 feet back closes his eyes as the command is given. He hears a roaring sound like a waterfall and when he opens his eyes he sees he's standing up to his ankles in pig shit. He runs to the farmer who stood 50 feet back and he's up to his waist in pig shit. After digging him out they run to the farmer who stood only 10 feet back, and he's in pig shit up to his neck but he's laughing hysterically.
He keeps on laughing as they're digging him out they ask "How could you be laughing so hard?" "Yeah, you're in pig shit up to your neck!" to which he replies "Yes, but you should've seen the look on the face of the monkey as he tried to put the cork back *in*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ni377/fattest_pig_contest/
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My friend said he was going to become a mime

I haven't heard from him in a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ni1kw/my_friend_said_he_was_going_to_become_a_mime/
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Why are poodles suspicious of strangers?

Because they're afraid of running into a poodaphile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ni0dy/why_are_poodles_suspicious_of_strangers/
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Hey Girl, do you recycle?

Because I'd love to crush that box and leave you by the curb tomorrow morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nhw61/hey_girl_do_you_recycle/
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I just ended a 5 year relationship

I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nhsb6/i_just_ended_a_5_year_relationship/
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Donald Trump wants to ban pre-shredded cheese

He wants to make America grate again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nhpjp/donald_trump_wants_to_ban_preshredded_cheese/
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What is the creature that walks on four legs in the morning, three legs at noon and two in the evening?

A cat in a minefield.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nhku0/what_is_the_creature_that_walks_on_four_legs_in/
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I was raped by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nhkd4/i_was_raped_by_mimes/
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What has five bodies and one soul?

A Kia full of Gingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nhj3d/what_has_five_bodies_and_one_soul/
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I shot a black man the other day

I got charged for impersonating a police officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nhhwb/i_shot_a_black_man_the_other_day/
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My identical twin brother and I were both arrested this weekend.

But there was a mix-up during processing. Now we are finishing each other's sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nhhb8/my_identical_twin_brother_and_i_were_both/
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Two cannibals are eating a math teacher. Another approaches, and asks..

"Hey, can I have sum?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nhfxe/two_cannibals_are_eating_a_math_teacher_another/
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Meteorologists have recently reconfigured the 5 categories of hurricane.

Number 5 will blow you away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nhfhs/meteorologists_have_recently_reconfigured_the_5/
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I dumped my boyfriend with a lazy eye.

Turns out he was seeing chicks on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nhe42/i_dumped_my_boyfriend_with_a_lazy_eye/
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My new neighbor's super hot but I haven't tried to take her out yet...

When I checked the oven, she wasn't quite done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nhc3c/my_new_neighbors_super_hot_but_i_havent_tried_to/
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Letter to God

Dear God,
Last week, you took my favorite boxer; Muhammed Ali.
Today, you took my favorite hockey player; Gordie Howe.
I just want to let you know that my favorite candidate is Donald Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nh9w3/letter_to_god/
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Whats a similarity between planes and girls?

they both have cockpits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nh6o7/whats_a_similarity_between_planes_and_girls/
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What do you call a group of religious oranges?

Jehovah's citruses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nh5m0/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_religious_oranges/
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What is a name for a female lawyer?

Sue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nh4fy/what_is_a_name_for_a_female_lawyer/
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TIL Ron Jeremy is a porn star

I always thought he was just an actor but as soon as he came on the screen it was clear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nh0p2/til_ron_jeremy_is_a_porn_star/
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How do you make holy water?

Put it in a pot and boil the hell out if it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nh0k4/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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One night, two aliens descend from outer space...

...and land their little spaceship next to an old gas station in a small town. They get out and walk up to one of the old gas pumps.
The little alien says
"Take me to your leader."
The gas pump doesn't say or do anything. Slightly annoyed, the little alien repeats
"Take me to your leader."
The gas pump still says or does nothing. The little alien pulls his blaster from his space suit and points it at the pump
"Listen to me! If you don't take me to your leader NOW, I'll blow your damn brains out!"
The big alien, wanting to calm the situation down pretty quick says
"Hang on a minute. I wouldn't fuck with this guy."
The little alien replies
"No! You watch me! If this asshole doesn't take me to his leader ima fuck his whole life up!"
He turns back to the gas pump
"If you don't take me to your leader NOW I'm going to shoot!"
The gas pump still doesn't say anything.
The little alien fired his blaster. The explosion was so powerful that it blew the two aliens far out over the other side of town. They land in the hills and slowly get up, brushing the fire off of their space suits.
The big alien says
"I told you not to fuck with that guy."
"How did you know he was so powerful?"
"Well, anyone that can take his own dick, wrap it around himself twice, and stick it in his ear is bound to be one bad mother fucker!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nh001/one_night_two_aliens_descend_from_outer_space/
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I've had second thoughts about masturbation...

On one hand, it feels great. On the other hand, you don't feel a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngzxc/ive_had_second_thoughts_about_masturbation/
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A man hears a loud, rhythmic thumping on his walk home...

He turns around to see what is causing the commotion, and the sound immediately stops. Seeing nothing but a large casket, and rather confused, he continues on his way home.
Though he is sure there is nothing causing the racket, he is convinced he is still hearing the noise. The man cleans his ears and continues on his way, but still hears the thumping.
Concerned, the man looks behind him and the sound subsides again. The man begins to search the dumpsters and look over the fences in the area. He calls out to see if anyone responds, only to notice the funerary box a few feet behind him.
Visibly perturbed, the man begins to pick up his pace, but the thumping matches the tempo of his feet upon the ground.
The man pulls out his phone and opens the camera to look behind him while he walks, to discover that the pine box is "hopping" along with him, only a few steps behind. The man turns around and the thumping stops and the pall is stationary. The man opens the lid, but sees nothing.
Frightened now, believing the crate to be a death omen, the man stumbles backwards and breaks into a run towards his house. The thumping becomes more rapid, and the man screams for help. Rounding the last corner and fumbling with his keys, the man makes it through the door of his house; locking it behind him and pulling out his phone to dial the authorities.
The sarcophagus breaks through the door as the man shakily dials the last number. In a panic, the man drops his phone and runs up the stairs, locking himself in the bathroom. The man hears a momentary pause in the thumping while he rifles through the cabinets, searching for anything to defend himself. The thumping grows ever closer, as the man realises there is nothing but a substantial metal tin of cough drops to defend him.
The man braces himself in the tub, as the box bursts through the door, swinging the lid open on its hinges as if to eat the man. He throws the tin into the pine curtain, and all of a sudden, with a sigh of relief;
The coffin stops.
TL;DR it's a long build up to a pun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngyyw/a_man_hears_a_loud_rhythmic_thumping_on_his_walk/
%
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you

I will make it very fast.  I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.  Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."  So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?  She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngypd/a_boss_said_to_his_secretary_i_want_to_have_sex/
%
Why was the Boy having trouble finding power in the Cul-de-sac?

There was no outlet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngy8r/why_was_the_boy_having_trouble_finding_power_in/
%
A Trump supporter, a Sanders supporter and a Clinton supporter are being interviewed.

The question asked was 'what do you think of morals in politics'?
The Sanders supporter says: politics? What is politics?
The Clinton supporter says: morals? What is morals?
The Trump supporter says: think? What is think?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngv8y/a_trump_supporter_a_sanders_supporter_and_a/
%
I read this morning there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.

And then this morning I read that there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nguqz/i_read_this_morning_theres_a_test_to_find_out_if/
%
A helicopter crashed on a graveyard

Reports says over 500 dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngru7/a_helicopter_crashed_on_a_graveyard/
%
A hole has been found in the outer wall of a nudist camp. Foul play suspected...

Investigators are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngqmz/a_hole_has_been_found_in_the_outer_wall_of_a/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?

He was too far out man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngqct/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_drowning_hippie/
%
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngobu/my_wife_and_i_were_watching_who_wants_to_be_a/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

Sits down, and orders 15 shots. The bartender looks at him and says "Oh wow, that's a lot. What's the special occasion?
"Well, today marks the day of my first blowjob!"
The bartender giggles, and gives him 15 shots. He drinks them all.
Bartender comes back and says "Here, I'll give you one more on the house to celebrate!"
He then turns to her and says...
"Oh, no thanks. If 15 won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngnrf/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngnk7/did_you_hear_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
%
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?

Konnichihuahua

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngmyl/how_do_japanese_chihuahuas_say_hello/
%
What's the difference between a liberal arts major and a pizza?

The pizza can feed a family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngmpn/whats_the_difference_between_a_liberal_arts_major/
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If online bullying has taught us anything.....

It's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngm0q/if_online_bullying_has_taught_us_anything/
%
What do you call a surprise party in India?

Arranged marriage
p.s. I'm an Indian living in India.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngkpn/what_do_you_call_a_surprise_party_in_india/
%
A farmer once bought some ammonium nitrate fertilizer, but it smelled weird,

so he put a sample in a pan and brought it to the nearest USDA branch. A security guard saw the pan full of fertilizer and yelled "bomb", but it was just panned ammonium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngjlx/a_farmer_once_bought_some_ammonium_nitrate/
%
A catholic priest, Baptist minister, and a rabbi are on a cruise ship

When the ship begins to sink. They are making their way to the life boats when they notice that there are a bunch of un-escorted kids standing there. The Baptist minster says to the others, "what about the children?"
The rabbi says,"fuck the children."
The catholic priest asks, "do we have time for that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngisz/a_catholic_priest_baptist_minister_and_a_rabbi/
%
[WARNING, spoilers ahead!]

1.) Storing milk at room temperature
2.) Grandparents
3.) Black people in a movie theatre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngg41/warning_spoilers_ahead/
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Do you know why...

...they bury lawyers 10 feet under, instead of the usual 6 feet under?
Because "deep down" they're good people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngfvi/do_you_know_why/
%
Hi electron, will you be at home tonight?

Probably.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngfo5/hi_electron_will_you_be_at_home_tonight/
%
Monica Lewinsky will be voting for Trump

As the last Clinton in office left a bad taste in her mouth...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngf7g/monica_lewinsky_will_be_voting_for_trump/
%
God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery.

The answer is no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ngena/god_finally_answer_my_prayers_for_winning_the_15/
%
These days my boss has been getting on my nerves. See I'm a brick layer and he is always yelling to layer the bricks faster and faster...

These days everyone wants instant stratification.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nge8d/these_days_my_boss_has_been_getting_on_my_nerves/
%
Modern art is easy to understand.

If you take a dump on someone's door mat, ring the bell and run away - it's an installation. If you ring the bell and then take a dump - it's a performance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nga72/modern_art_is_easy_to_understand/
%
I nearly got fired from my job as a roofer on the first day when I was caught masturbating.

But my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ng8fh/i_nearly_got_fired_from_my_job_as_a_roofer_on_the/
%
When do you get when you take 50 lesbians and 50 civil servants?

100 people that don't do dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ng3p9/when_do_you_get_when_you_take_50_lesbians_and_50/
%
Euro 2016

Hi! I've got 2 tickets for the final of Euro 2016 but forgot that it's on the same day as my wedding so I can't go.
If you are interested and want to go instead of me ...
... It's at St. Nicholas' Church, Brighton and she's called Jane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ng2r3/euro_2016/
%
A Teacher asks the students..

"Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?"
Nobody is able to answer
Teacher: "You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer."
The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.
Teacher: "Well, it seems your parents are stupid as well. See the answer is so simple."
*Then the teacher makes a circle using his thumb and index finger and keeps it in front of his nostrils.*
Teacher: "See, it was so simple, yet nobody was able to answer."
The next day, a student comes up to the teacher and says, "Sir, my father has asked if it's possible to insert 7 holes through one hole?"
Teacher: "No, that's impossible."
Students: "It is possible, my father said."
Teacher : "How?"
Student: "Take a flute and shove it up your ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfxlx/a_teacher_asks_the_students/
%
What has four letters, but a long sentence?

Rape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfxap/what_has_four_letters_but_a_long_sentence/
%
Why did all the Black people move to Detroit?

Because they heard there were no jobs there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfwv5/why_did_all_the_black_people_move_to_detroit/
%
An old woman goes into a supermarket to buy cat food.

Knowing that times are hard, the cashier is sure that the old woman is buying the cat food to eat it herself.
"Before I can let you buy that, I need you to prove to me that you own a cat."
The old woman is upset, and tries to argue, but the cashier doesn't let up. Later that day, the old woman returns with her cat in a carrier, and is allowed to buy cat food.
The next day, the old woman goes to the same supermarket to buy dog food. The cashier can't believe that she has both a cat and a dog and again tells the old woman that she needs to prove that she owns a dog. The old woman leaves and comes back with a tiny dog, and is allowed to buy dog food.
A few days pass, and the old woman returns to the supermarket, but instead of going to the aisles, goes straight to the cashier and hands the cashier a paper bag. The old woman motions for the cashier to open it and look inside. The cashier does this, and while doing so, catches a whiff of its contents.
"Ew, this smells like poop!", the cashier exclaims.
The old woman says, "Yes it is, now may I buy toilet paper?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfwft/an_old_woman_goes_into_a_supermarket_to_buy_cat/
%
What country makes the most milk?

Nepal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfw05/what_country_makes_the_most_milk/
%
Roses are red, violets are blue.

Pornhub is down, your Facebook will do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfu5n/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
Are You a Gorilla Exhibit?

Because I want to drop a baby in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfsoa/are_you_a_gorilla_exhibit/
%
Hillary Clinton will potentially be the first f***** president.

I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfqhp/hillary_clinton_will_potentially_be_the_first_f/
%
The Thin Swiss Wire

A crew of Swiss engineerers was tasked by their government to create a wire as thin as possible. The project took months, years to finish, but at last, they succeeded. They produced a piece of extremely thin wire. It was so thin that they could not even measure how thin it actually was. Not only that, but it was also durable. They could not cut or shorten it, no matter how hard they tried.
The Swiss Government was very proud of what their engineers created, but before they would go on and show off their newest development, they wanted to know how thin it actually was. They would look like fools if they could not even tell how thin their wire was, right? After some discussion, they decided that they had to ask a fellow European country for help.
Should they ask the Germans? They are well known for their great engineering, they sure could help out. But they also liked to brag about that, so if they knew that the Swiss could not even measure it they would surely make fun of them. No, not the Germans. They decided to ask their French neighbours for help.
So they prepared a package, and added a note. "Dear French Engineers. We have created a thin, durable wire. We can't cut it, and we can't measure how thin it is. Can you help?". A week passed, two weeks, a month until they heard back. The French sent back the wire with a note of their own. "We are very sorry. We tried everything, but we could neither cut it nor measure it."
Damn, but it was worth a try. After more discussions, they decided to ask the USA next. After all they sent people to the moon and made many great inventions. They sure will find a way to help them out. They packed it, added the note, and send it over. A week passed, a month, two months until they heard back. Again, the wire was sent back to them with a note. "We have no idea what to do. We tried everything, but we can't cut it. And our instruments are not precise enough to measure how thin it even is. We have to pass."
There was no other way. Swiss had to ask the Germans. But they hated it that, in the end, they had to admit it to them, of all people, that they could not measure the wire. So, angrily, they threw the wire in the box, didn't even bother to add a note, taped the package and send it to Germany.
Two days later the wire gets returned. In the box is a note by the Germans. "We didn't know what you want us to do with it, so we drilled a hole through it and did some pipe threading".
_____________________________________
This is a translation of a German joke. I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know if I made any spelling or grammar mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfp7x/the_thin_swiss_wire/
%
The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."
Satisfied, the child goes away.
Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"
"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a feather floated down and landed on your head."
The little girl smiles and goes on her way.
A few moments later the youngest child runs into the room and says: "WARGLBARGLAAHRGLB?"
The mother says: "Shut up, Refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfnqh/the_eldest_of_three_siblings_comes_up_to_his/
%
Man and his wife are trying to spice up their marriage

So the husband comes home with a packet of flavoured condoms. He says to his wife;
"We'll play a game. I'll turn the light off, I'll put on the condom and you try and guess the flavour".
His wife goes down on him and after a few moments she calls out, "Cheese and Onion" as the husband responds,
"I've not put it on yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfk4e/man_and_his_wife_are_trying_to_spice_up_their/
%
The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S manufacturing non-competitive...

Donald Trump, 2012.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfjj4/the_concept_of_global_warming_was_created_by_and/
%
How do you make a dog drink?

Put it in a blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfinr/how_do_you_make_a_dog_drink/
%
9/11 Jokes aren't funny.

The other 2 however, are hilarious!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfgl1/911_jokes_arent_funny/
%
What's a paralympian's worst nightmare?

Testing positive for WD-40

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nffw4/whats_a_paralympians_worst_nightmare/
%
What's the difference between tumblr and a gun?

The gun has only one trigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfepe/whats_the_difference_between_tumblr_and_a_gun/
%
There is nothing funny about watching domestic violence

Which is why it goes in the 'Action' folder instead of 'Comedy'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfeiy/there_is_nothing_funny_about_watching_domestic/
%
Why did the student go to the strip club on his 18th birthday?

He wanted to study a broad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfe8f/why_did_the_student_go_to_the_strip_club_on_his/
%
911

Worker > 911,What's your emergency?
Man > My wife is going to give birth!
Worker > Is this her first born?
Man > No,it's her husband
*Ba Dum Tss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nf9os/911/
%
An American man walks into a bar...

An American man walks into a bar and grabs a seat. While ordering a pint, he can't help but overhear an obnoxiously loud but indiscernible conversation from three massively large ladies down the bar.
The man calls out to them,, "Hey babes, are you from Scotland?"
Quite rudely, one lady interjects while inhaling her fish and chips,nmñm, "It's Wales, you jackass!"
Embarrassed, the man replies, "My deepest apologies, Whales, are you fom Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nf8kl/an_american_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Roses Are Red...

Roses are red,
Voilets are violet,
This misconseption
Makes me violent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nf6kd/roses_are_red/
%
When does feminism stop?

When the car breaks down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nf5ae/when_does_feminism_stop/
%
Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.

Just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nf277/someone_stole_my_coffee_cup_from_work_today/
%
Q.How do we know there are so many environmentalists on reddit?

A. Because everyone keep recycling the same jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nf08m/qhow_do_we_know_there_are_so_many/
%
Getting up

Is only the second hardest thing in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nexn8/getting_up/
%
A pencil isn't as phallic as a

pen is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4newog/a_pencil_isnt_as_phallic_as_a/
%
Why did the gay man vote for Trump?

He was the biggest dick in the race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4neubr/why_did_the_gay_man_vote_for_trump/
%
What happens to grapes when you step on them?

They wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4neu0s/what_happens_to_grapes_when_you_step_on_them/
%
You know what they say about blind prostitutes...

You really gotta hand it to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4netc8/you_know_what_they_say_about_blind_prostitutes/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Six was never the same after the war. The metallic clang of a dumpster closing and a garbage truck in the morning would bring him back to the enemy tanks running over innocent houses and villages whilst he and his surviving mates hid cowering in the bushes waiting for the metallic monstrosities to pass. Praying the next cannon fire would not be in their direction. They held their breath and eyes as the whirring roar of the machine went away.
Seven had been seeing Six about his trauma for years and in all his years of therapy had never encountered such a severe case of PTSD. He tried to get Six to go back to those moments so he could confront and overcome them but many sessions would end with Six screaming in the fetal position on the couch. Seven looked down in pity at the cowering Six and sometimes it seemed hopeless... But dammit Seven wasn't going to give up on a human being the government had used and thrown aside as shrapnel. There had to be a way.
That night 7s wife asked "what's wrong honey?".
"Oh just this client... " he replied, as he 8 the 9 his wife had served him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4netbc/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
What do you call a Muslim father who works at a supermarket?

a Baghdad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4net8f/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_father_who_works_at_a/
%
Why do Asians prefer Sony?

Because it's a stereo type

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4neqtu/why_do_asians_prefer_sony/
%
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis?

her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4neqbt/a_daughter_asked_her_mother_how_to_spell_penis/
%
What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?

Getting your palms red at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4neo86/whats_the_best_part_about_fingering_a_gypsy_on/
%
Why did the brothel run out of money?

Because all of the investors pulled out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nemp2/why_did_the_brothel_run_out_of_money/
%
I wanted to be a tailor.

But I didn't suit the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nelmk/i_wanted_to_be_a_tailor/
%
My marriage was like Algebra...

When I looked at my X, i asked Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nejy3/my_marriage_was_like_algebra/
%
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.
They are very efficient, and have no sense of humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nehu5/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
What's the best part about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag's a plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4negww/whats_the_best_part_about_switzerland/
%
Knock knock.

Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes a bad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4negie/knock_knock/
%
The queen of England was visiting an American hospital on her U.S. tour...

The queen of England was visiting one of America's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was receiving a blowjob from a cute young nurse.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young man was frantically masturbating.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening with him?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he only has Obamacare."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4negg5/the_queen_of_england_was_visiting_an_american/
%
Breast Feeding

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4neemn/breast_feeding/
%
Reddit is like Playboy

Nobody reads the articles...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nebr5/reddit_is_like_playboy/
%
A mafia family was in need of a collection officer;

...After screening many applicants, they hired an individual who happened to be deaf.
He was very good at what he did, and within a week he had collected $40,000 from nonpayers. However, he was greedy and hide the money for himself.
It didn't take long for the mafia bosses to catch on, so they sent a couple of thugs and an interpreter to find the collector. They found him, took him to an abandoned warehouse, and the two thugs told the interpreter to ask the collector, "Where's da money?"
The interpreter signed to the collector and the collector signed back, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter told them what he had said. One of the thugs pulled out a .38 revolver, stuck it in the collector's ear, and told the interpreter to as him again.
"Where's da money?" the interpreter signed again.
The collector signed back, "It's in a tree stump in Central Park fifty yards east of the main fountain."
The interpreter told the thugs, "He said that he still doesn't know what you're talking about and that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4neakg/a_mafia_family_was_in_need_of_a_collection_officer/
%
A guy gets a motorcycle...

He takes his wife for a road trip on the new bike.  He tells her, "If you need to stop for a restroom break, tap me twice on the shoulder.  If you want to have sex, tug on my penis once.  If you don't want to have sex, tug on it 157 times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ne9ob/a_guy_gets_a_motorcycle/
%
I used to steal funny jokes

I still do, but I used to, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ne893/i_used_to_steal_funny_jokes/
%
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three...

He says, "uno, dos..." and he disappears without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ne5z1/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
%
Did you hear about the woman who had 100 kids?

Well she sucked at naming children, so she decided to just number them in birth order. One, Two, Three, etc. Well, one day, her and all of her children were in a tragic plane accident and the only one who survived was 90. After years of grief and growing, 90 got married and had some kids of her own. One day, they found a stray dog and decided to keep it. But, just like her mom, she sucked at naming things. So they decided to call the dog, "That".  After years, and years of a happy life, 90 and her husband became old and ill, eventually losing their memory. They didn't know who their children were or what their dogs name was. Only 90's kids will remember that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ne0g0/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_had_100_kids/
%
Do not fap on a plane..

Unless you enjoy hijacking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndyqv/do_not_fap_on_a_plane/
%
You know what's weird?

I've never seen any femail boxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndx08/you_know_whats_weird/
%
What has three feet but no legs?

A yardstick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndwbe/what_has_three_feet_but_no_legs/
%
Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndsww/happy_ramadan_to_all_my_muslim_brothers_and/
%
the old french lady

Heard a story once about an old French lady who'd run a small shop in her village for years, until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop. They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said "Butter - 10 francs".
In response, the lady added a sign to her own window, "Butter - 9 francs".
The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign, "Butter - 8 francs". Sure enough, the day after the lady's sign now read "7 francs".
This went on for a while, until eventually one of the lady's customers pointed to the sign and said, "Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete."
In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered, "Monsieur, I don't even sell butter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nds2z/the_old_french_lady/
%
Knock, knock, it's the police open the door.

-Can you wait, I'm taking a shit!
-We know, the telephone booth is see through

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndrdy/knock_knock_its_the_police_open_the_door/
%
Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.
Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndpgt/little_johnny_asks_his_father_for_a_200_bicycle/
%
Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same.

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndp1k/mexican_jokes_and_black_jokes_are_all_the_same/
%
3 Guys on a dock

There are three guys out on a dock fishing. One of them thinks he has a fish and pulls up an old bottle. *Poof* A genie appears. "I've been in that damn bottle for... I don't even know how long," says the genie. "I'm going to grant all three of you three wishes!"
The fishermen are ecstatic. The first wishes to be incredibly rich. *Poof* A bank statement saying he has one hundred million dollars appears in his hand. The second, a little jealous, wishes to be the richest man in the world. *poof* A bank statement for one hundred billion dollars appears in his hand. The third smirks at the other two, and wishes that his right arm spins forwards continuously.
For his second wish, the first gentleman asks for the most beautiful woman in the world to marry him. *poof* She appears and there's a ring now on both of their fingers. The second man wishes for any woman he meets to fall head over heels for him. Immediately, the first man's wife walks over and puts her arm around him. The third, still smirking, wishes for his left arm to continually spin backwards.
The first man is getting fed up with the second man's one-upping and wishes to be very happy and successful in life. He's immediately made the CEO of a very profitable fortune 500 company where his only job requirement is to go golfing when he wants and travel the world. The second man wishes to be very powerful. He is made the president of the United States. The third laughs to himself and wishes for his head to continuously nod up and down.
The men agree to meet again a year later to see how everything is going.
A year goes by and they meet down on the same dock. The first man is very happy, and couldn't ask for anything more in life. Wisely, he left his wife at home. The second man is doing great as well. He's used his leverage with women to make the world a better place and grew much less selfish as the leader of the free world. Up walks the third man; his left arm spinning one way, his right the other, and his head bobbing up and down. He looks at the other two men and says, "Hey guys. I think I really fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndnm5/3_guys_on_a_dock/
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What did the deer say when he left the gay bar?

I can't believe I blew 50 bucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndngu/what_did_the_deer_say_when_he_left_the_gay_bar/
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I spent over an hour at my wife's grave yesterday...

whew, that was the longest I've ever lasted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndmdv/i_spent_over_an_hour_at_my_wifes_grave_yesterday/
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So I told my dad a joke about Sandy Hook the other day. He didn't think it was funny

I guess it's aimed at a younger audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndimm/so_i_told_my_dad_a_joke_about_sandy_hook_the/
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I like my women like I like my beer:

I'm so fucking lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndhbx/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_beer/
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My girlfriend said I was too controlling

... and it wasn't her turn to speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndgpm/my_girlfriend_said_i_was_too_controlling/
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I submitted a penis joke once

The mod tagged it long...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndbvy/i_submitted_a_penis_joke_once/
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Why does Donald Trump dislike Bernie Sanders?

Chickens tend to avoid anything with the last name "Sanders".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndblj/why_does_donald_trump_dislike_bernie_sanders/
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How can you tell a girl has been masturbating on her period

You catch her red handed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nd668/how_can_you_tell_a_girl_has_been_masturbating_on/
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What can you never get from a gay person?

a straight answer.
Accepting alternate answers in the comments

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nd27d/what_can_you_never_get_from_a_gay_person/
%
I just saw a stage show about puns...

It was a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ncz4u/i_just_saw_a_stage_show_about_puns/
%
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*

"ROAR"
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
"GROWL"
hmm
"SHOUT"
hmmm
"YELL"
hmmmmm
"HOLLER"
oh its a thesaurus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ncx2k/dinosaur_at_zoo_roars_at_me/
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What did Miss Piggy's boyfriend do after he found out she was unfaithful?

Kermit suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ncuur/what_did_miss_piggys_boyfriend_do_after_he_found/
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What do you call Russian trees?

Dimitrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ncu3c/what_do_you_call_russian_trees/
%
i got complimented on my driving earlier

they left a note on the car saying parking fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nctwf/i_got_complimented_on_my_driving_earlier/
%
i never make jokes about domestic violence

they really hit close to home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ncsus/i_never_make_jokes_about_domestic_violence/
%
I ate 2 pieces of string...

When they came out they were tied together.
I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ncqau/i_ate_2_pieces_of_string/
%
•••---•••. I regret that

Remorse code

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ncq4x/i_regret_that/
%
I was accused of sexual harassment.

But I couldn't have, because HER ASS MEANT nothing to me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ncpmb/i_was_accused_of_sexual_harassment/
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Knock Knock Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ncmtf/knock_knock_whos_there_dishes_dishes_who/
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[Dirty] Did you know pigeons die after they have sex?

At least, the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ncm65/dirty_did_you_know_pigeons_die_after_they_have_sex/
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I just put a girl in the hospital.

I'm in charge of hiring new nurses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nciuh/i_just_put_a_girl_in_the_hospital/
%
Do you know the difference between curtain and toilet paper?

-Do you know the difference between curtain and toilet paper?
-No...
-GUYS, HE DID IT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nchgz/do_you_know_the_difference_between_curtain_and/
%
Puns are the only form of humor where a groan is high praise and a laugh is a fair attempt.

Well, that and sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nce7u/puns_are_the_only_form_of_humor_where_a_groan_is/
%
How was Rome cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nc8fu/how_was_rome_cut_in_half/
%
How to sound authentically Irish when bewildered, befuddled, confounded, or just generally in a tizzy.

Say this phrase: Whale oil beef hooked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nc65a/how_to_sound_authentically_irish_when_bewildered/
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ADVICE FROM RON - A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is
important for men to remember that, as women
grow older, it becomes harder for them to
maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice
this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron.
Let me relate how I handled the situation
with my wife. When I retired a few years
ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a
full-time job, along with her part-time job,
both for extra income and for the health
benefits that we needed. Shortly after she
started working, I noticed she was beginning to
show her age. I usually get home from the
golf club about the same time she gets home from
work.
Although she knows how hungry I am,
she almost always says she has to rest for half
an hour or so before she starts dinner. I
don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to
take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have
lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating
out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She
used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. But now it's not unusual for them
to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically
reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she
really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is
complaining, I think.For example, she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay
the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, Boys, we take 'em for better or
worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two, or
even three days. That way, she won't have
to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I
like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems
to think she needs more rest periods. She
had to take a break when she was only
half-finished mowing the yard. I try not
to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I
tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass
of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one
for herself, she may as well make one for me,
too.
I know that I probably look like a
saint in the way I support my wife. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration
is easy. Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as
they get older. However, Guys, even if you
just use a little more tact and less criticism
of your aging wife because of this article, I
will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron
died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated
rectum. The police report says he was
found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big
Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear
end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a
sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife
was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to
find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that
Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat
down on his golf club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nc4n5/advice_from_ron_a_retired_husband/
%
Driving down the highway

So this senior citizen was driving down 93 when his wife called him on the phone. "Be careful! I just saw on the news there's a car driving the wrong way on the highway!"
"It's not just one car, it's hundreds of 'em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nc4hn/driving_down_the_highway/
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A toothpaste factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the
buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with
them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to
hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The
project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated,
RFP, and third-parties selected.  Six months (and $8 million) later they had
a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in
the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would
sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it
should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective
box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the
new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the
factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well
spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number
of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with
projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate
should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check
the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line
where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new
$8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off
the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it
there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting
the line every time the bell rang."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nc2r4/a_toothpaste_factory_had_a_problem/
%
A Family of Moles

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nc2l2/a_family_of_moles/
%
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant

. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nbyi4/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.  One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.  We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.....
My Engaged Friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The Mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I Had To Share My Story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.  When he came in the door and saw me he said....
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nby0y/the_black_bra_as_told_by_a_woman/
%
HandJob

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nbwc1/handjob/
%
Ice Cream Shoppe

A guy goes into an ice cream parlor. He walks up to the man at the counter and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream in a bowl, please." "I'm sorry, sir," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out of chocolate." "Oh," says the man. "In that case I'll have some chocolate in a cone." So the man says, "No, no, sir. You don't understand. We have run out of chocolate." "Oh," replies the man. "Then I'll just have chocolate in any container." The man behind the counter looks at the guy and says, "OK, let's try this. Spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla.'" So, the guy spells "V-A-N." "All right," says the ice cream man, "spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry. '" The guy says, "OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Good!" says the man. "Now spell 'fuck,' as in 'chocolate.' " The guy looks at the man and says, "But there's no fuck' in 'chocolate.' " The man shouts, "That's what I've been trying to tell you, Sir!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nbntw/ice_cream_shoppe/
%
As she lay there dozing next to me..

..a voice in my head kept saying, "Relax, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you're a veterinarian.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nbn0t/as_she_lay_there_dozing_next_to_me/
%
What do you call it when you have sex with a dwarf who has gender dysmorphia?

micro trans action

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nbmg2/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_have_sex_with_a/
%
A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nblwc/a_pancake_a_piece_of_toast_and_a_piece_of_bacon/
%
As far as I know original golf joke

So what does a bogey have in common with a dead golfer?
One too many strokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nbl0l/as_far_as_i_know_original_golf_joke/
%
[Blonde Joke] Two blondes are walking in the forest and they come across some tracks. They start arguing about what animal they belong to.

In the middle of their heated argument they got run over by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nbh8c/blonde_joke_two_blondes_are_walking_in_the_forest/
%
Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The guy that can carry a dozen doughnuts and 2 cups of coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nbgxe/who_is_the_most_popular_guy_at_a_nudist_colony/
%
Marriage jokes

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nbgsr/marriage_jokes/
%
I have two tickets to the Euro's final..

problem is it's on the same day as my wedding... So if anyones interested it's at St.Peters church in Brighton and her name is Sarah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nbg1f/i_have_two_tickets_to_the_euros_final/
%
My ex girlfriend broke up with me because I quoted Linkin Park too much.

But in the end it doesn't even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nbe1x/my_ex_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i/
%
So I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV

I then shouted, "Hey that is mine!" but I then realised that mine was at home polishing my shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nbbu6/so_i_saw_a_black_guy_running_down_the_street_with/
%
No sex since 1955.

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.  Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little.  Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are.  You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!  Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so?  It's only 2130 now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nb9jj/no_sex_since_1955/
%
Golf is a lot like taxes -

you drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nb98q/golf_is_a_lot_like_taxes/
%
Feudalism

It's your count that votes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nb94f/feudalism/
%
just read an article about the horrible effects of binge drinking

and fuck that im never reading again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nb6t0/just_read_an_article_about_the_horrible_effects/
%
After much deliberation, the Cambridge University Netball Team....

...decided not to abbreviate their name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nb6st/after_much_deliberation_the_cambridge_university/
%
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket,

You can hide, but you can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nb5ei/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
How does Jesus make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nb2a5/how_does_jesus_make_his_coffee/
%
If a blind girl says you have a big penis

She's probably just pulling your leg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nb151/if_a_blind_girl_says_you_have_a_big_penis/
%
I have the best blanket in the world

It's the sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nawo8/i_have_the_best_blanket_in_the_world/
%
A Higgs Boson walks into a church

The priest says “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here”. The Higgs Boson then replies “but without me, how could you have mass?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4naw2p/a_higgs_boson_walks_into_a_church/
%
What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?

They each have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4natm2/what_do_a_sperm_and_a_lawyer_have_in_common/
%
A guy forgot to pay his exorcist...

He got repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nasza/a_guy_forgot_to_pay_his_exorcist/
%
So I just got a new FitBit.

Everytime I take the stairs instead of the elevator, I tell myself "For the watch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nasqv/so_i_just_got_a_new_fitbit/
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Dat ash!

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated.
She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nashg/dat_ash/
%
What sound does a dead cow make?

BOOOOOOOOOO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nar2a/what_sound_does_a_dead_cow_make/
%
I'm in the middle of hanging myself.

The suspense is killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nallg/im_in_the_middle_of_hanging_myself/
%
What is the computer’s favorite food?

Microchips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nalgj/what_is_the_computers_favorite_food/
%
Energizer Bunny arrested!

Charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4naklk/energizer_bunny_arrested/
%
What do you call a young Israeli boy?

Jew-nior

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4naklg/what_do_you_call_a_young_israeli_boy/
%
joke 4 joke

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nakaa/joke_4_joke/
%
“Why is there music coming out of your printer?”

“That will be the paper jamming again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nak6p/why_is_there_music_coming_out_of_your_printer/
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"Did you just say something?"

"Uhhh nope?"
"Really? I could swear you just asked me if I wanted a hotdog."
"No I didn't."
"Good, because I'm vegan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4naiux/did_you_just_say_something/
%
So two condoms walk into a bar...

One looks at the other and says "did you know this is a gay bar?"
"Well yeah" said the first condom, "I plan on getting shitfaced tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nahwu/so_two_condoms_walk_into_a_bar/
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Mustapha is walking with his wife.

Hassan his friend notices that his wife is walking in front of him and asks: "You know the koran says that the man should walk infront of the wife"? Mustapha:" I am aware what the koran says but this is a minefield".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nae40/mustapha_is_walking_with_his_wife/
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What does a triangular acorn say when it grows up?

Geometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nae1k/what_does_a_triangular_acorn_say_when_it_grows_up/
%
What's yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nad72/whats_yellow_and_lives_off_dead_beetles/
%
Bernie Sanders was asked why he is still in the race

and he responded "there are still some states left for me."  Those states are Denial, Anger, Grief, Bargaining and Acceptance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4naby2/bernie_sanders_was_asked_why_he_is_still_in_the/
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An African American invited a white friend over for dinner ...

(Disclaimer: I got the idea for this joke from a post from /r/youdontsurf)
An African-American man named Noah invited his white friend, Brad, over for dinner with his family.
When Brad arrived at the Noah's house, Noah told him that dinner will be out very soon, and guided him to a seat at the dinner table. Brad was famished, and couldn't wait for food to be served. Soon enough, Noah's voice rang from the kitchen, "Dinner's ready!"
"Oh boy, finally!" said Brad. Noah walked out with a large plate in hand. "This is a traditional dish from Ethiopia'" Noah said as he placed the plate down in front of Brad. Brad excitedly looked at the dish, but was perplexed as soon as he saw it.
"Noah ... there's nothing on the plate."
"I know"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nabkd/an_african_american_invited_a_white_friend_over/
%
the vet told me hes going to have to put my dog down

i said why whats wrong with him... he said nothing my arms are aching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nab8y/the_vet_told_me_hes_going_to_have_to_put_my_dog/
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Hey girl, is your dad in jail?

Because if I was your dad, I'd be in jail too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nab5n/hey_girl_is_your_dad_in_jail/
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Three men are lost in the middle of the nevada desert.

One is a black man. One is a white man. And the last is a Mexican man.
One day, the three men stumble across a small bottle. One of them rubs it and poof! Out pops a genie as they tend to do.
The genie looks at the men and says to them, "Normally, I would grant whoever freed me three wishes. But since there are three of you, I'll grant you one each."
The black man steps forward and says, "I wish that all my people would be back in Mother Africa living happily."
The genie nods his head and the black man disappears in a puff of smoke.
The Mexican man steps forward next. "I wish that all my people could ve back in Mexico living happily."
The genie nods his head and the mexican man disappears in a cloud of smoke.
Finally, the genie turns to the white man and asks, "and what is your wish?"
The man looks at the genie and asks "So you mean to tell me that all the niggers and spics in my country are gone now?"
The genie nods.
"Fuck it. I'll have a coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4na8sd/three_men_are_lost_in_the_middle_of_the_nevada/
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If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,

they would eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4na7su/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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Which Game of Thrones character doesn't stink ?

Bran
He is Hodorless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4na7qk/which_game_of_thrones_character_doesnt_stink/
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Whats the difference between My computer and Paul Walker?

I give a Fuck when my computer crashes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4na6mk/whats_the_difference_between_my_computer_and_paul/
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"John, hurry back home, your wife is dead!"

John is an average Joe from a small village in England. He is working away in London to support his family. One day, he receives a letter at work. It reads:
"John, hurry back home, your wife is dead!"
John takes the first bus back to his village and finds his fellow villagers gathered and huddled in front of her family's house, crying and weeping. He says to them: "Where is she? Take me to her at once!"
So the villagers take him to her. John kneels in front of his wife, weeping. Just then, she miraculously opens her eyes and looks at John. He is bewildered. She smiles and says: "Oh John, how I have missed you! I played this facade so that you could come home and I could see you". They hug and John gives her a good shag right there and then.
When they walk out of the house, hand in hand, the villagers gasp in shock. John explains, "I gave her a good shag and now she's up", and the village is relieved.
Months later, John receives another letter, this time reading:
"John, hurry back home, your father is dead!"
John again takes the first bus back to his village and again finds his fellow villagers gathered and huddled in front of his father's house, crying and weeping. He says once more: "Where is he? Take me to him at once!"
After some time, one of the villagers comes forward and sighs solemnly: "Don't bother John. We've all been shagging him for days. He's still not up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4na5yi/john_hurry_back_home_your_wife_is_dead/
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My girlfriend just accused me of being a transvestite

I was absolutely furious, so I packed her things and left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4na47b/my_girlfriend_just_accused_me_of_being_a/
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Everyday my wife is complaining about something,

Last week I came home from a hard day at work, only to be awaited by my wife who was ready to spit some complaints at me. The stairs are almost falling apart, go fix it! she says. Do I look like a handyman I say. She storms angry out of the room.
The next day I get home from work again to be awaited by my wife, she says: The walls upstairs are getting yellow because of all the cigars you smoke, go paint the wall! Do I look like a painter, I say. Furiously she walks away.
The day after that I come home again from an exhausting day at work. My wife says: the shower is leaking and the toilet doesn't flush anymore. I look her in the eyes and say: Do I look like a plumber? This time she remains calm and leaves the room quiet.
The following day I come home from work, only to see the stairs fixed, the toilet working and the walls painted white. I say to my wife: Wow, you have been pretty busy I suppose! No she replied, the neighbour next door helped me do all this. I ask her: What nice of him, what did you have to do in order to get him so far? Well, she says, I could either bake him a cake, or give him the time of his life.
I ask her: Well what kind of cake did you bake? She replies by saying: Do I look like a baker?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4na443/everyday_my_wife_is_complaining_about_something/
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What do you get if you cross a Boxer and a Painter?

Mohammed Dali

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n9z7l/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_boxer_and_a_painter/
%
As an English person there's one thing I love between me and the French.

The English Channel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n9ydt/as_an_english_person_theres_one_thing_i_love/
%
Little Jonny got expelled from school one day...

His mother had to go and pick him up and speak with the school.
"what have you done now!?" she cries.
"well, the teacher asked us math questions in class" said Jonny.
His mother, curiosly says "ok.. and what were the questions?"
"well, she asked us what was 8x2, so I shouted out 16" said Jonny,
"but that's right?" said his mother.
"Exactly, but then she asked us what was 2x8"
"What's the fucking difference?" said his mother.
Jonny replied "That's EXACTLY what I said!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n9xur/little_jonny_got_expelled_from_school_one_day/
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A man with dyslexia...

Walks into a bra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n9xov/a_man_with_dyslexia/
%
A rose petal fell upon your head.

One day a father was sitting in the living room watching t.v when one of his daughter came in.
"What is it?" The father asked
"Dad where does my name come from?"  The daughter replied
"Well, when you were born a rose petal fell delicately upon your head and from there we decided to name you rose."
"Wow dad thanks for telling me!" The daughter replied happily as she ran up stairs.
A Few minutes later the fathers second daughter came running down stairs.
"DAD DAD," she exclaimed "I want to know how i got my name too!"
"Well, when YOU were born a lily fell delicately upon your head and that is why we named you lily!" responded the father.
"Thanks dad!" said lily as she ran down stairs.
A couple of minutes later the father heard a noise coming up the stairs.
"BARGH URGHER FARGER WURT MER NARM!"
"For fuck sake brick I told you to stay in the basement!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n9x7y/a_rose_petal_fell_upon_your_head/
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Name an X-Man that is also a Transformer

Bruce Jenner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n9vp9/name_an_xman_that_is_also_a_transformer/
%
Some ladies were sitting in a park..

Some ladies were sitting in a park every day. One man was observing them daily as they were talking and laughing loudly.
One day he observed everybody was silent. There must be some serious issue or incident that happened.So he went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is silent today?"
The lady replied, "All Are Present Today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n9v52/some_ladies_were_sitting_in_a_park/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, while the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n9k11/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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In my spare time I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n9jmm/in_my_spare_time_i_help_blind_children/
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Differences between the sexes

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n9itr/differences_between_the_sexes/
%
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n9hzc/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
%
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n9fhi/why_did_the_toilet_paper_roll_down_the_hill/
%
A cucumber walks into a jar

Says is this vinegar. Shit I'm in a pickle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n9d0l/a_cucumber_walks_into_a_jar/
%
No matter how kind you are

Germany children will always be kinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n97c3/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+esh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n94mq/how_does_sean_connery_shave/
%
Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel

Great sedimental value.
(I can't take credit.  Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n93ww/lost_bucket_of_sand_silt_and_gravel/
%
Two guys walk into a bar,

Which is kinda stupid because you'd think the second guy would have seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n93ah/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you get when you add root beer to a square cup?

Beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n92fh/what_do_you_get_when_you_add_root_beer_to_a/
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A guy goes into a bar...

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd be drinking fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "Seventy-five cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8zjs/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar/
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How do they make bras for octopi?

With suction cups.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8yma/how_do_they_make_bras_for_octopi/
%
What's the difference between Ethiopians and gorillas?

Nobody cares about Ethiopians dying.
(First post on r/jokes and a bit offensive)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8w8p/whats_the_difference_between_ethiopians_and/
%
Why did the scarecrow get an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8vot/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_an_award/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long if you're fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8vhf/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
A traveling salesman...

is going door to door and he stops at a house and rings the bell. A boy about nine years old opens it, and he's got a towel tied around his neck like a cape, a snifter of brandy in one hand, and a cigar in his mouth.
The salesman asks "Are your parents at home?"
The boy takes the cigar out of his mouth and says "Does it fucking look like they are?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8sh0/a_traveling_salesman/
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Feminists are like prime numbers

The only thing that goes into them is themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8r7c/feminists_are_like_prime_numbers/
%
What do SpongeBob and LeBron James have in common?

They both hit the deck and flop like a fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8qyw/what_do_spongebob_and_lebron_james_have_in_common/
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"I know everyone..." was on Bill's resume.

Was on Bill's resume when he applied for his new job. His manager, Dave, impressed by everything else made a comment.
Dave: "Surely, you dont know EVERYONE."
Bill retorts: " I do infact know everyone."
Dave asks smugly: "Even the President of the U.S.?"
Bill nonchalantly pulls out his phone and scrolls through his contacts seemingly forever and pushes the call button and then puts the phone on speaker.
Bill: 'Hey, Mr. President, you there bud?"
President: "BILL! Whats going on man, its been FOREVER!"
Bill: "Going great, im gonna have to cut you off, my manager would like to talk to you."
Dave is stunned, he just couldnt believe the President was on the phone with Bill of all people.
Dave: Mr. President do you know Bill?
President: Hell Yeah, we go way back! He and I use to go golfing all the time before hit started to look for work outside of D.C.
Dave: Thank you for your time!
President: Thank you and both of you have a good day!
Bill: Bye!
The phone call ends, but Dave is still not sure that Bill knows EVERYONE.
Dave: All right, that was just coincedence, surely you dont know EVERYONE.
Bill: Sure I do, I even know The Pope.
Dave: THE POPE?! Surely you are joking, I believe the President but surely not The Pope.
Bill again pulls out his phone and starts to open up a browser.
Dave: What are you doing?
Bill: I still have enough money to buy two plane tickets for the you and me.
Dave: Where are we going, just call The Pope if you know him.
Bill: I cant he doesnt have a phone so the best way is to fly to him.
Dave: If you say so.
So the both get into Bill's car and drive to the airport. People along the way are waving at Bill. But as time goes on Bill and Dave are close to missing their plane. Bill makes a call and beofre they know it, a police escort gets them to the airport with time to get to their plane. At the airport Bill talks and jokes around with the TSA who gets them checked first. As they go to get their tickets Bill talk to the clerk and gets some "spare" tickets for first class. Dave is just sitting back, lost for words for the events that just keep transpiring one after another. The plane takes off and Dave takes some pills and sleeps for the entire flight. As they land everyone lets Bill and Dave off and a limousine awaits them outside and takes them to the Vatican. They finally arrive in the Vatican Plaza.
Dave is almost as white as a ghost.
Dave: So, where is he?
Dave is gasping for air at this point.
Bill: Are you sure you're alright?
Dave: Im fine, just prove this already!
Bill: Alright, stay here Ill get The Pope.
Bill disappears into the crowd and gets past security into The Vatican. He meets up with the Pope and they walk out onto the balcony and see an ambulance arrive in the crowd near where Dave was. Bill rushes out of the Vatican into the plaza and the ambulance drives off. He asks someone what had happened.
Bill: Excuse what happened?
Stranger: The guy right next to me had a heart attack and was screaming bloody murder. His words were too scrambled to understand.
Bill: What happened before the heart attack that may have caused it?
Stranger: I asked him who was that guy up there up on the balcony with Bill?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8pv8/i_know_everyone_was_on_bills_resume/
%
How to Sell a Dead Donkey

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news The donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece, less the $100 I gave you and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8phw/how_to_sell_a_dead_donkey/
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My wife...

My wife just got kidnapped by a group of muslim cannibals.
I'm not worried though, I heard muslims don't eat pigs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8mjs/my_wife/
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This year's presidential election is like 69ing someone...

...no matter who comes out on top, you'll be looking at an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8khn/this_years_presidential_election_is_like_69ing/
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What did O say to Q?

Put that thing away, there's kids around here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8d5g/what_did_o_say_to_q/
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What's 80 feet long and has 22 teeth?

The front row of a Ted Nugent concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8d3a/whats_80_feet_long_and_has_22_teeth/
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Ugly women are like men

they both have to work for a living.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8cwo/ugly_women_are_like_men/
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Whats the sickest piece of art?

Pneumonia Lisa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8c9c/whats_the_sickest_piece_of_art/
%
What's the difference between a preschool and a terrorist training camp?

Don't ask me...I just fly the drones!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n8bpc/whats_the_difference_between_a_preschool_and_a/
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Socialism is like breathing water...

You just aren't doing it right! Here let me try...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n84p2/socialism_is_like_breathing_water/
%
I think I just caught the Zika virus...

I met a Brazilian girl and she gave me a little head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n80ax/i_think_i_just_caught_the_zika_virus/
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What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

Cats have claws at the end of their paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n805r/what_is_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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A new Supermarket opened near me.....

A new supermarket opened near my house.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
And, just before the mister turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying on the stove.
The veggie department features the smell of freshly buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7yrm/a_new_supermarket_opened_near_me/
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What kind of cars do jedis drive?

A toy-*yoda*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7wvp/what_kind_of_cars_do_jedis_drive/
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Another bar joke

A man is sitting at the bar drinking a beer. He hears "nice suit".  He looks around, but there is nobody near him. He shrugs it off, takes another sip. He hears "nice shoes too!" Startled, he looks around again this time searching for hidden cameras, or a television or some explanation for the voice. Still nothing. A few minutes pass and he forgets about it again going back to his beer. He then hears "you're very handsome". A little unnerved he asks the bartender "man, I don't want to sound strange, but  I swear I keep hearing this voice talk to me..." the bartender replies nonchalantly "complimentary peanuts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7wpe/another_bar_joke/
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A man shows off his appartment to his friends

After a night of drinking a man shows off his new appartment to his friends. In the bedroom they spot a giant gong. What's that gong for? They ask. That's not a gong he says, that's a talking clock. Yeah right, the friends say, show us how it works then. So the man smashes it as hard as he can and takes a step back. His friends are Just staring when suddenly they hear 'stop with the noice you asshole it's 3.45 in the norning!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7shw/a_man_shows_off_his_appartment_to_his_friends/
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When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja.

Impressive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7shk/when_i_went_to_japan_on_vacation_i_didnt_see_a/
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What do you call blueberries, raspberries and strawberries inside of a hidden chest?

Berried Treasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7q4n/what_do_you_call_blueberries_raspberries_and/
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A husband and wife find a bottle on the beach...

...the wife picks it up and a genie pops out.
"Madam, I will grant you three wishes," speaks the genie.
The wife is jumping with joy."Okay, I wish we were billionaires...and I wish we lived in the biggest mansion in Beverly Hills."
Poof.
They are transported to a beautiful mansion that is filled with diamonds and gold.
"Madam, for your final wish?" Asks the genie.
The woman looks at her husband and smiles, "I wish my husband would give me the best foot massage in the world, every time I asked him too.
Poof.
She asks her husband for a foot massage and he instantly begins to massage his wife's feet. When he is finished, the man picks up the bottle, rubs it, and the genie again appears.
"Sir, I will grant you three wishes," speaks the genie.
"I wish that all the cotton candy in the world were gone, forever," the man says.
Poof.
The genie assures him it is done and the mans wife begins to scream at him for wasting a wish.
"Second," says the husband, "I wish my wife craved cotton candy every minute of everyday."
Poof.
The wife is still screaming but then she starts demanding cotton candy.
"Sir, your final wish?" Asks the genie.
The husband looks at his wife and smiles, "I wish my dick tasted like cotton candy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7p38/a_husband_and_wife_find_a_bottle_on_the_beach/
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Two cows walk into a vegan bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7owv/two_cows_walk_into_a_vegan_bar/
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Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7ohm/have_you_heard_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
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How many Police Officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, they were too busy beating up the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7ngt/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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A man is walking in Central Park

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.
"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.
The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7jkx/a_man_is_walking_in_central_park/
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What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7f3k/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
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Why does Santa have a big "sac"

Because he only "comes" once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7etk/why_does_santa_have_a_big_sac/
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Put the punchline in the title

What's the best way to ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7dlz/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
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What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

Dam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7bn4/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_swam_into_the_wall/
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So funny I forgot to laugh.

Me: *tells bad joke*
Buddy: That's so funny I forgot to laugh!
Me: So is that what Alzheimer's is like?
Buddy: That's so funny I forgot to laugh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n7a5l/so_funny_i_forgot_to_laugh/
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It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date,

Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests: "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked.
"Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n73od/its_1957_and_bobby_goes_to_pick_up_his_date/
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How do you comfort a grammar Nazi?

"...They're, their, there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n70ra/how_do_you_comfort_a_grammar_nazi/
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I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's "cute", but when I do it...

Everyone is just "Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n6wp9/i_hate_doublestandards_when_my_girlfriend_puts_on/
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Apparently beer contains female hormones.

After you drink enough, you can neither drive nor shut the hell up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n6scw/apparently_beer_contains_female_hormones/
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Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n6poq/did_you_hear_about_the_butcher_who_backed_into/
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How do you tell a deaf person to shut up?

"Here, hold this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n67ep/how_do_you_tell_a_deaf_person_to_shut_up/
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I love the way the Earth rotates

It really makes my day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n66i4/i_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
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So I'm on my way to work this morning...

So I'm on my way to work this morning when I realize that I need to take a leak. I find a spot to do my business, pull out my dick and start peeing. Right as I'm about to finish, the guy standing next to me leans over, looks down and says "Woah! Nice dick, man! You should do porn!"
I just stood there, shocked and thought to myself "Wow... There are some real creeps on the bus this morning..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n662u/so_im_on_my_way_to_work_this_morning/
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As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. My engineering is perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n65ss/as_a_german_you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
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I like my children how I like my Christmas decorations

Only on the holidays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n61w3/i_like_my_children_how_i_like_my_christmas/
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STUDENT: Sorry for sounding so disgustingly feminist, but why are there so many joke punchlines that end with "your mom"; but almost none that end with "your dad"?

TEACHER: Do you know who didn't cum all over your mom last night?
STUDENT: Who?
TEACHER: Your dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n5yfd/student_sorry_for_sounding_so_disgustingly/
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A tribal Indian Chief needs toilet paper...

so he heads to the supermarket. He has never been to a supermarket before and has no idea where to start. He starts wandering the aisles marveling at all of the different products lining the shelves. A clerk notices the Chief walking around aimlessly.
-Hi sir, you look lost. What can I help you find?
-Me chief. Need toilet paper.
-Sure thing. Is there a certain brand you're looking for?
The chief looks at him blankly for a moment and shrugs, so the clerk takes him to the aisle with the toilet paper and points out the generic brand.
-Chief, this is the toilet paper aisle. I suggest you buy the generic brand.
The chief picks up the toilet paper, looks at it for a second, and asks: "What mean this 'generic?'"
The clerk replies: "Generic means it's just plain old toilet paper. It doesn't have any name."
The Chief seems satisfied, buys the paper, and leaves. A week passes and the Chief returns. He finds the same clerk as before and says, "Chief now have name for generic toilet paper: John Wayne."
Confused, the clerk politely says--"That's nice, Chief but why John Wayne...?"
-"Toilet paper rough, tough, and take no shit from an Indian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n5vcf/a_tribal_indian_chief_needs_toilet_paper/
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how do you hide from hitler?

Standstill.... he can nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n5smo/how_do_you_hide_from_hitler/
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Why do waitresses love serving men in fedoras?

If you're nice to them, their tipping intensifies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n5s0v/why_do_waitresses_love_serving_men_in_fedoras/
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What's the heaviest Chinese food?

wonton :3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n5pyx/whats_the_heaviest_chinese_food/
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Did you hear about the constipated math teacher?

He had to work it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n5o1w/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_math_teacher/
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One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n5itv/one_night_they_go_into_their_bedroom_they_kiss/
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Do you know why you should never hire a communist employee?

Because they only work in theory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n5g3h/do_you_know_why_you_should_never_hire_a_communist/
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My friend offered to let me rent 2 of his ermines.

He is now the lessor of two weasels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n5eoh/my_friend_offered_to_let_me_rent_2_of_his_ermines/
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the miracle of being a teen mom

when you get pregnant young and your baby is born, hes feet are so small but even so he manages to stomp your dreams and goals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n5efs/the_miracle_of_being_a_teen_mom/
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My transgender uncle is a superhero...

We call him Aunt-Man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n5dvt/my_transgender_uncle_is_a_superhero/
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I managed to hit 18 holes today...

And I still have time for golf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n5c20/i_managed_to_hit_18_holes_today/
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Two guys got lost in the Egyptian desert

Both christians, one named John and the other named Thomas. They were starving and about to collapse when they spotted a Mosque, They rushed there for help. The Imam came out and asked for their names, John came up with 'Abdullah' in a panic and Thomas just said his name. The Imam hastily told the patrons to give Thomas food and water. While John had to wait and finish his fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n5aci/two_guys_got_lost_in_the_egyptian_desert/
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What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table?

Gold. Why the fuck would a pirate need Argon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n57m2/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_element_in_the/
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What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?

Resistance if feudal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n57ka/what_did_the_borg_say_to_the_medieval_peasant/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,
"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?"
The bartender is a worldly individual. "Listen mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive."
So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff.
The bartender is speechless.
"Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer."
The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again.
"Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?"
The bartender stares in disbelief. "After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then."
The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waist coat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears.
"Oh my word," says the bartender. "That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it."
In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business.
"I'll give you £50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant."
"Well, sure, why not?" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with bank notes before making his exit with the frog.
"Are you MAD!?" the bartender says to the man. "You could have made millions with that frog!"
"Nah," says the man.
"The hamster's a ventriloquist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n545s/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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When an eel bites your thigh...

...as you're just swimming by that's a moray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n521j/when_an_eel_bites_your_thigh/
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The Safari

Jimmy was an 8-year-old boy who loved animals. He longed to go to a wildlife reserve and experience nature up-close-and-personal. His parents, eager to instill moral values, were delighted that this was the case instead of playing violent video games. So, on his ninth birthday, Jimmy was ecstatic to hear that his parents were taking him on a safari!
On the day before he was due to leave, Jimmy had a playdate with his friends. When their parents came to pick them up, Jimmy's mother wanted to boast about her son's hobby.
"Jimmy," she called, "Come and tell your friend's mother where you're going tomorrow."
Jimmy came running into the foyer. With a grin, he yelled, "We're goin' on a frickin' safari!!!"
The parents, particularly Jimmy's, were horrified.
"Yeah, he's goin' on a frickin' safari!!" his friend said to his mother, equally pleased.
'Where did you learn such language?" one of the parents asked, to which a confused Jimmy replied, "My parents!"
The friends were quickly escorted to their cars, with their parents scolding them. As they left, there were murmurs of "such deplorable behavior" and "what awful parenting". Jimmy's mother and father were dumbfounded. "How could he do this?" they asked. "We've never said such words in our lives! Maybe we really are bad parents."
The next day, on the flight to the preserve, Jimmy boarded the plane, eagerly singing, "We're going on a frickin' safari!" repeatedly. The mother and father looked at each other, and put their arms around Jimmy's shoulders. "Listen, son," they said. "Where did you really hear that word?"
"From you," he said, bewildered.
"Now, why would we ever say that?" they insisted, to which their son replied, "You told it to me on my birthday." They sighed. "Jimmy, look, whether we said it or not, that word is very inappropriate. We love you, and we don't want you getting in trouble."
"Okay," Jimmy said. The rest of the flight was calm and quiet.
When they finally arrived, Jimmy rushed out of the plane. "Yay!" he exclaimed rushing toward the safari park, located near the airport. His parents ran to catch up with him, only to find on the front signpost~
**African Safari**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n4yo4/the_safari/
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What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n4lrk/what_did_the_number_0_say_to_the_number_8/
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I usually don't pay for sex...

...but sometimes I like to splurge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n4kgt/i_usually_dont_pay_for_sex/
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My wife has packed her things and left me...

My wife has packed her things and left me due to my obsession with glass objects.
Frankly, I'm shattered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n4k4c/my_wife_has_packed_her_things_and_left_me/
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A hunter goes into the forest

He sees a bear and fires at it, but misses. The bear is nowhere to be seen.
Suddenly the bear taps him on his shoulder and says, "You tried to kill me, either I'll kill you or pull down your trousers and let me fuck you". The man chose life.
He goes home embarrassed, buys a bigger gun and goes back to hunt the bear. He sees it at a distance, fires, misses, the bear disappears in the thick brush only to pop up behind him a little later. The bear recognizes the hunter and says, "You know the choices."
The hunter, after being fucked again, brings a bazooka to get over his humiliation. He finds the bear, fires and falls back due to recoil. The smoke clears and the bear is standing over him, rubbing it's chin. "You don't come here for hunting, do you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n4imb/a_hunter_goes_into_the_forest/
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Cletus and Billy, two neighbors, each decide to get a sheep.

Each one puts his sheep in his garden. But at night the sheep destroy the fence. Next morning Cletus and Billy don’t know which sheep is his own. So Cletus picks a sheep and chops a leg off it. That way he knows the sheep with three legs is his.
But the following night, the sheep with four legs can’t stand for this injustice and bites its own leg off. In the morning, Cletus and Billy find the two sheep with each three legs and don’t know which sheep belongs to whom. This time Billy picks a sheep and cuts another leg off. “The one with two legs is mine”, he says.
At night, the sheep with three legs can’t stand to see his friend suffer alone. So it bites its own leg off. Next morning, Cletus and Billy find the two sheep with each two legs. So Cletus chops another leg off to know which sheep is his.
You can guess what happens now. The sheep with two legs bites another leg off. Once again Cletus and Billy can’t figure out which sheep is which. And Billy chops of the last leg of a sheep to determine ownership.
And again, the sheep with one leg bites off its own leg. So now Cletus and Billy find themselves with two sheep without legs, not knowing which sheep is which.
Billy asks “How are we going to recognize them now, Cletus?” Cletus thinks about this long and hard and finally comes up with a solution. He says “I’ll take the black one, you take the white one!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n4hra/cletus_and_billy_two_neighbors_each_decide_to_get/
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WEDDINGH NIGHT

What is long and hard and a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n4h80/weddingh_night/
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Whenever I reach 88 mph in my car, I always make a Back to the Future time traveling sound effect inside my head...

...and that's usually followed by a police siren sound effect outside my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n4dze/whenever_i_reach_88_mph_in_my_car_i_always_make_a/
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At the supermarket

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n4aqa/at_the_supermarket/
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Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n49uj/fishermen_hate_himyoull_never_guess_this_one/
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"Yesterday, my wife left me for my best friend"

"Who is your best friend?"
"Robert"
"Since when is Robert your best friend?"
"Yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n49by/yesterday_my_wife_left_me_for_my_best_friend/
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My girlfriend got an abortion

She said she didn't want another sister to compete with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n402e/my_girlfriend_got_an_abortion/
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Racism exists among all races of the world

white people are just better at it, like most things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n3y5i/racism_exists_among_all_races_of_the_world/
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Threesome?

A guy in his mid twenties is in a bar when he notices an atractive milf. He decides to try his luck and goes over to talk with her.
She seems interested and after a few drinks she asks him if he has ever considered taking part in a mother / daughter threesome. Seeing as the milf is so attractive he figures why not? Surely with such an attractive milf the daughter must be attractive as well.
They get a cab to her house and as she unlocks the door she shouts; "Mom, put in your teeth, we have a guest!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n3xxp/threesome/
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My sister bet me a $100 i couldn't build a car out of Spaghetti...

You should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n3wbi/my_sister_bet_me_a_100_i_couldnt_build_a_car_out/
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Heaven or Hell ....

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,
Today, you voted.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n3w3c/heaven_or_hell/
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How a husband describe his wife?

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n3tuo/how_a_husband_describe_his_wife/
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Make sure that she is really dead

A doctor gets a phone call from his best friend, and the frantic voice at the other end says "God, oh God, my wife's dead! I shot her! What do I do!?" The doc tells his friend to calm down. "OK, now the first thing is, you have to be sure that she's really dead." He hears silence at the other end, then a single gunshot. "OK, what now?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n3t99/make_sure_that_she_is_really_dead/
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What do cannibals put in their soup?

Ramen!
--------
Before you judge harshly, I would like to state that this was invented by a six year old, all on his own, no coaching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n3o4n/what_do_cannibals_put_in_their_soup/
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5/6 doctors agree...

Russian roulette is completely safe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n3ma1/56_doctors_agree/
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Perfect Answer by Father.

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n3jys/perfect_answer_by_father/
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I tried crossbreeding my cows.

I was attempting to create a new type of milk that was super sweet.
Instead, none of the cows would even produce milk. It was a complete and udder failure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n3gvk/i_tried_crossbreeding_my_cows/
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but I have no idea how they get in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n3frb/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite.

All he does is eat, drink and be Mary!!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n3ejv/ive_got_a_friend_who_is_a_fat_alcoholic/
%
I made up a new word

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n3dir/i_made_up_a_new_word/
%
I like my women how I like my coffee..

Anyway I can get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n39c6/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
What do you call a cow that's cold and angry?

BURRRR...GERRRRRRR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n39am/what_do_you_call_a_cow_thats_cold_and_angry/
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Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested

...charged with battery.
*drops mic*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n37my/breaking_news_energizer_bunny_arrested/
%
What's a pornstars favorite drink?

7 up in cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n314d/whats_a_pornstars_favorite_drink/
%
Great jokes are like miscarriage.

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2ybe/great_jokes_are_like_miscarriage/
%
How do parents in Africa celebrate their kid's first birthday?

They bring flowers to his grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2uwq/how_do_parents_in_africa_celebrate_their_kids/
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Did you read the news about corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2uhv/did_you_read_the_news_about_corduroy_pillows/
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Two Girls Are Called Petal and Refrigerator...

One day, Petal asks her mother
"Why am I called Petal?"
To which her mother replies,
"When you were little, a petal fell off of a tree and onto your pretty little head! So we named you after it."
Upon hearing this, Refrigerator turns and asks,
"muhmuhwuwuwuw?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2tjo/two_girls_are_called_petal_and_refrigerator/
%
A reddit admin awoke to the sound of a beeping alarm clock

but pressed the snoo's button and went back to sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2thh/a_reddit_admin_awoke_to_the_sound_of_a_beeping/
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How can you tell a man from a woman

Well, there's not really a vas deferens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2rsh/how_can_you_tell_a_man_from_a_woman/
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My grandfather was a WWII vet...

He said he went to Paris back in the day, and went into this lounge called "Les Jardin Rois" got drunk and pissed on the bar, banged all the waitresses, beat up the bouncer and threw a chair through the front window.
Naturally, I went there on vacation one year and tried the same shit, got my ass kicked by a bunch of Parisians and thrown in jail.
Calling him from the phone in prison he asked "Who did you go to that lounge with?"
Taken back by the question, I simply said, "Just myself.  Who did you go with?"
Grandpa replied "the SS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2p8t/my_grandfather_was_a_wwii_vet/
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A photon is going through airport security...

The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2mb4/a_photon_is_going_through_airport_security/
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Her best feature.... NSFW

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2kpl/her_best_feature_nsfw/
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The Horny Tribe

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"  "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.  One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."  The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.  Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"  "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2k7d/the_horny_tribe/
%
Took a class at Trump University but ...

... the textbook had four Chapter 11s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2hr1/took_a_class_at_trump_university_but/
%
This actually just happened...

*Wife: I wanna get into coding.
*Me: Oh, that sounds fun. You might even earn some
money on the side while you're at home. What language
did you wana code in ?
*Wife: English. Duh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2cvo/this_actually_just_happened/
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Yeah, it IS true that migrants do the jobs you don't wanna do.

Like being a suicide bomber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2bgw/yeah_it_is_true_that_migrants_do_the_jobs_you/
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"You are accused of polygamy"

"And who pressed charges?
"Your wife"
"Which one exactly?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2a3k/you_are_accused_of_polygamy/
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Drunk in a Taxi

So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."
As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"
The driver replies, "Sure!"
The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n27e5/drunk_in_a_taxi/
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A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps.
She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2361/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctors_complaining_of/
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Cop just pulled me over, said I was going too fast.

So I took him to dinner first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n1wkh/cop_just_pulled_me_over_said_i_was_going_too_fast/
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NSFW A boy is playing with his train set...

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.  She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."  The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."  Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."  She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."  As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n1v82/nsfw_a_boy_is_playing_with_his_train_set/
%
I had a strange dream the other day about these hairy midgets with a ring...

They were hell-bent on destroying it in this volcano. They had a wizard, a dwarf and some elves to help them. It was really, really detailed and I woke up feeling I could write a brilliant story about it, but as soon as I got up and went to put pen to paper, the details faded from my mind... It was at that point that I realised I was only Tolkien in my sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n1qch/i_had_a_strange_dream_the_other_day_about_these/
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I'm organizing a party for people who can't ejaculate

Please tell me if you can't come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n1mit/im_organizing_a_party_for_people_who_cant/
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There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy... (x-post /r/dadjokes)

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.
The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.
"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"
When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.
"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."
The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it could speak plainly to their ruler.
It was the "don't believe me just" watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n1hhu/theres_a_little_known_country_in_central_europe/
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THERAPIST: What's the problem with your marriage? WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me

ME: I don't do it on porpoise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n1f89/therapist_whats_the_problem_with_your_marriage/
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________________________

With all the bad puns going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n1el8/_/
%
Regular naps prevent aging...

Especially if you take them while driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n1cpq/regular_naps_prevent_aging/
%
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n1cl7/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
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A Blind Man visits the State of Texas...

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n1b4o/a_blind_man_visits_the_state_of_texas/
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Just some jokes I found.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
-
Snowballs.
Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”
Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n18gk/just_some_jokes_i_found/
%
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his butt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n10fz/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
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Can a dinosaur tell a joke?

You bet jur-ass-ic can!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n0vay/can_a_dinosaur_tell_a_joke/
%
Since it started raining all my girlfriend has done is look through the window.

If it gets any worse I'm thinking about letting her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n0v9x/since_it_started_raining_all_my_girlfriend_has/
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Speeding Old Ladies

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22
MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n0umq/speeding_old_ladies/
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What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging over a window?

Kurt and Rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n0sys/what_do_you_call_two_guys_with_no_arms_and_no/
%
Never trust a "Bernie" to manage your finances...

The last one I knew Madoff with all my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n0s6s/never_trust_a_bernie_to_manage_your_finances/
%
My friend starting hearing bagpipes in the back of his head

I swear, I think he has Scotsophrenia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n0rif/my_friend_starting_hearing_bagpipes_in_the_back/
%
The Quran is like weed

You burn it and you get stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n0r61/the_quran_is_like_weed/
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Did you hear about the cannibal who switched to Spam?

He said it's the greatest thing since sliced Fred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n0olg/did_you_hear_about_the_cannibal_who_switched_to/
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(NSFW) I was eating pussy when...

I tasted horse semen. It was only then that I realized how my sister had died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n0o8b/nsfw_i_was_eating_pussy_when/
%
What do you call a bad pun?

Punishment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n0my7/what_do_you_call_a_bad_pun/
%
How do trees get on the Internet?

They log in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n0i8d/how_do_trees_get_on_the_internet/
%
So my neighbor knocks on my door.

So my neighbor knocks on my door at 2:30am last night.
2:30AM!!! Can you believe it?!!?
Lucky for him, I was up playing my drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n01sh/so_my_neighbor_knocks_on_my_door/
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Pen

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n00qn/pen/
%
My jokes should be written on lollipop sticks

So you can only see them if you suck as much as they do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mzrjh/my_jokes_should_be_written_on_lollipop_sticks/
%
Yo momma so old....

She has a separate entrance for black men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mzphy/yo_momma_so_old/
%
Pilot and Co-Pilot

The pilot was Jewish, and the co-pilot was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't like Chinese."
The co-pilot replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? WHY is that?"
The pilot said, "You guys bombed Pearl Harbor. THAT'S why I don't like Chinese!"
The co-pilot said, "Nooooo, noooo ...Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbor. That JAPANESE, not Chinese!"
And the pilot answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're ALL ALIKE."
Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the co-pilot said, "No like Jew."
The pilot replied, "Why not? WHY don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic" said the co-pilot.
The pilot tried to correct him, "NO, NO!! The JEWS didn't sink the Titanic. It was an ICEBERG!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. ALL SAME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mzoqk/pilot_and_copilot/
%
Whats the difference between a brown noser and a shithead?

Depth Perception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mzobp/whats_the_difference_between_a_brown_noser_and_a/
%
Do I look like a painter?

A man was watching tv when his wife comes into the room and says to him, "Honey, would you paint the house?" The man says, " Do I look like a painter?" The mans wife sighs, then says, "Well could you fix the porch then?" The man replies, "Do I look like a carpenter?"
The next day the man feels bad about the way he treated his wife. He walks into the kitchen to apologize to her when he sees her talking to a man he'd never seen before. "Who is this man?" says the man to his wife. " This is the man who painted the house and fixed the porch" she says to him.
The man gets out his wallet, "Well how much do I owe him?"
The man's wife says "Nothing, I either had to bake him a cake or sleep with him."
"Well honey, what flavor cake did you make him?"
The wife responds, " Do I look like a baker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mzlr0/do_i_look_like_a_painter/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexia Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mzh7o/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
I like my porn just how I like my search history

Disabled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mzfo1/i_like_my_porn_just_how_i_like_my_search_history/
%
Husband and wife go for dinner.

A husband and wife have been married for 15 years, and most of the passion has left their marriage. So, they decide to go out for an anniversary dinner to hopefully reconnect.
While the husband is looking at the menu he hears his wife say, "Oh, I love you so much. I cant stand being apart from you. Please, don't ever leave me."
Husband is a bit surprised, and also a bit heartened by these words. He asks, "Is this you talking, or the wine talking?"
Wife answers, "This is me talking, to the wine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mzcwj/husband_and_wife_go_for_dinner/
%
Why did Europe start the first World War?

They did't like being sans-Ferdinand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mz79d/why_did_europe_start_the_first_world_war/
%
Pedophiles

2 in 3 people live next to a pedohpile.
I don’t.
I live next to 2 smoking hot 8-year olds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mz5xs/pedophiles/
%
Apparently, I snore so loudly that it scares everyone...

In the car I'm driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mz57c/apparently_i_snore_so_loudly_that_it_scares/
%
Urinals Too High

A group  of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about  thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the  horses.
When it  was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls  would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The  teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the  boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no  choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting  the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow  away from their clothes.
As she  lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well  endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be  in the 5th grade."
"No  ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race but I appreciate  your help."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mz492/urinals_too_high/
%
A police man searched me in a public toilet last night...

A police man searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"its not my fault", I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he said
I said, "I'll Prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on than." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said,
"Well, show me your pocket than."
"What for?" I asked
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mz0ma/a_police_man_searched_me_in_a_public_toilet_last/
%
A polar bear walks into a bar

and says to the bartender, "I'll have a brandy.........................................................................................................
...........................................................................................................................
............................................................................................................................
............................................................................................................................
............................................................................................................................
............................................................................................................................
............................................................................................................................
............................................................................................................................
............................................................................................................................
.......... and coke." The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds, "I dunno... I've always had them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mz0dz/a_polar_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed...

How could anyone stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4myzbw/i_was_reading_in_the_paper_today_about_this_dwarf/
%
My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't

The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4myvyu/my_friend_and_i_signed_up_to_win_a_lifetime/
%
A Pirate Walks Into A Bar

...With the steering wheel to his ship crammed into his trousers.
Bartender: What is that steering wheel doing down your pants?
Pirate: Arrrgh... It's drivin' me nuts!
(Heard that a while ago... One of my favorite cheesy pirate jokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mylg3/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
3 Blondes Fishing

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.
“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want. And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
“What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4myk0b/3_blondes_fishing/
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Two blondes are on an elevator

A man gets on and stands in front of them. They both notice that he has terrible dandruff.
One whispers to the other, "Someone should give that guy some Head and Shoulders."
The other whispers back, "How do you give shoulders?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4myi7p/two_blondes_are_on_an_elevator/
%
what do vegan zombies eat?

Graaaaaaaaaaaaaains...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4myhmd/what_do_vegan_zombies_eat/
%
A linguistics professor says during a lecture....

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that 'In English, a double negative forms a positive.
But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.'
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4myemw/a_linguistics_professor_says_during_a_lecture/
%
Judge: You stand before me accused of being a duvet. How do you plead?

Defendant: Not quilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4myedr/judge_you_stand_before_me_accused_of_being_a/
%
Tomorrow I'll go to the orphanage...

... and beat up some children. I mean, what would they do? Tell their parents?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mye9y/tomorrow_ill_go_to_the_orphanage/
%
3 drunk guys enterd a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4myc8f/3_drunk_guys_enterd_a_taxi/
%
A man goes into the hospital for surgery.

The receptionist leads him to his room, gives him his hospital gown, and shows him how to put it on.  She says to him, "Take off all your clothes, put on your gown, and the doctor will be in shortly."
"Ok," the man says.  The receptionist leaves, and he proceeds to get undressed.  The man is taking off his shoes when an orderly comes in to his room.
"Can you tell me something?" the man asks the orderly.  "Why does this hospital gown open up in the back?"
The orderly smiles and says, "Ask the doctor when he comes in.". The orderly leaves, and the man proceeds to take off the rest of his clothes.  A nurse comes into his room.  And the man asks her, "Hey, how come my hospital gown opens up in the back?"
The nurse smiles and says, "You'll have to ask the doctor when he comes in."
The man is rather perplexed and a little irritated.  He is in his gown and has been waiting for over an hour for the doctor.  Finally, the doctor comes in and begins to examine the man.  The doctor finishes his exam and is taking off his gloves when the man asks him, "Question for you, doc, since no one else will give me a straight answer: how come my hospital gown opens up in the back?"
The doctor smiles, leans in close to the man, and says to him, "Because mine opens in the front."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4my82a/a_man_goes_into_the_hospital_for_surgery/
%
What do you call a drug dealing church?

Crystal Methodists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4my2ti/what_do_you_call_a_drug_dealing_church/
%
I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but,

I changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4my2ot/i_wasnt_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant_but/
%
Three men are standing at the edge of the roof on a tall sky scraper...

There is a strong wind blowing up the side of the building from below.
One guy says, "This wind is so strong, it will bow you right back up if you happen to fall off, watch!" He steps off the edge and falls about 30 feet before spreading his arms and legs out to catch the air. He slows, then rises back up to land gently on the roof again.
The second guy says "That's awesome, I'm going to try". He steps off the roof and falls 120 stories to his death.
Third guy says "Superman, you are a mean drunk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4my0cr/three_men_are_standing_at_the_edge_of_the_roof_on/
%
Mujibar

was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except one. It is a simple test of your English language skills.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'You must make a sentence using the words YELLOW, PINK, and GREEN.'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.’
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes GREEN, GREEN ,
and I PINK it up and say, YELLOW , this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at tech support for your cable internet company.
Perhaps you have spoken to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mxj64/mujibar/
%
NEED HELP

I'm in a situation that could require me to pull out some good jokes when asked. I need to hear the best jokes on the internet. The dirtier the better. Thanks in advance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mxhzg/need_help/
%
Bill Clinton was seeing his counselor...

And his counselor asked how Hillary's head was doing with all this e-mail controversy. Bill replied, "Still not as good as Monica's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mxg1k/bill_clinton_was_seeing_his_counselor/
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My wife left me because she said I had a drinking problem

After she left I lost the urge to drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mxanr/my_wife_left_me_because_she_said_i_had_a_drinking/
%
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred....

Almost all of them replied, "How the hell did you get in here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mxakv/i_asked_100_women_which_shampoo_they_preferred/
%
How Does a Woman Make a Man a Millionaire?

When he's a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mxaiu/how_does_a_woman_make_a_man_a_millionaire/
%
A jumper cable walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mxad2/a_jumper_cable_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Name your newborn Cylinder

so the day he finishes high school he'd become a Graduated Cylinder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mx9ue/name_your_newborn_cylinder/
%
So I went to the pool...

I looked at the rules and the first rule was
"The pool is not a restroom"
And I just thought to myself "No shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mx959/so_i_went_to_the_pool/
%
What do you call it when you spill meth into your cake mix?

Baking Bad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mx8sh/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_spill_meth_into_your/
%
An average American voter walks into a bar ...

... and sees Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton huddled together at the end of the bar, whispering to one another.  Intrigued, the voter approaches the pair and asks them what they are doing.
"We're planning the 2016 election," brags Trump.
"What's going to be different about it this year?" the voter asks.
"Well," Clinton replies, "We're going to rig the vote count and put me in office, as well as delete a few of my emails."
"What's so important about these emails that they've got to be deleted?" inquires the voter, eyeing the two suspiciously.
"See!" Clinton exclaims, turning towards Trump, "I told you no one would care if we rigged the election."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mx8ke/an_average_american_voter_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit?

An astronut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mx82c/what_do_you_call_a_peanut_in_a_spacesuit/
%
What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mx3o3/what_do_you_get_from_a_pampered_cow/
%
So I went to the doctor yesterday because I've been feeling tired all the time.

He told me I needed to quit masturbating.
I asked him if that would solve my problem.  "No," he replied, "but I can't examine you while you're doing it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mx2bv/so_i_went_to_the_doctor_yesterday_because_ive/
%
What does the horny toad say?

Rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mx1b1/what_does_the_horny_toad_say/
%
Sex is so much more with a big penis . . .

With a small penis, you're barely scratching the cervix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mwzmg/sex_is_so_much_more_with_a_big_penis/
%
What do you call noodles that aren't spaghetti?

Impastas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mwuzf/what_do_you_call_noodles_that_arent_spaghetti/
%
The 2016 Presidential Race is ending...

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the White House and the person with the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes about 24 minutes. Trump goes next and arrives with a time of 14:26. Hillary Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can, trampling the flowers and shrubs in her way in an effort to beat Trump's time. She finally crosses the finish line at just under ten minutes.
"Aha!" She exclaims, "That must be some kind of record!"
"I don't think so," says Obama, "Bush did 9:11"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mwujn/the_2016_presidential_race_is_ending/
%
A guy goes out for some drinks at a bar with a coworker on a Friday night and they get shitfaced...

The guy goes to the bathroom and stumbles back to the bar with puke on his shirt...
"Oh man, my wife ish gonna kill me." he says, "I just puked on my shirt and she's gonna know I was out drinking all night!"
"Don't worry about it," slurs his coworker. "take $20 and put it in your shirt pocket. When she sees it, show her the money and tell her some drunk at the bar puked on your shirt and gave you money for the dry cleaning!"
"Hey, thash a great idea!"
So the two of them stumble their separate ways and he finds his way home. As he's fumbling with his keys his wife opens the front door.
"Look at you..." she says shaking her head. "Coming home pissed drunk at two in the morning again."
"No baby, I'm fine I only had a couple!"
"A couple!? You can hardly stand up and you've puked on your shirt! You're despicable."
"No baby, that washn't me..." he says, "Some guy puked on me and gave me $20 dollars for the dry cleaning!"
He hands her the money.
"There's $40 here..." she says.
"...."
"He pissed in my pants too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mwqhc/a_guy_goes_out_for_some_drinks_at_a_bar_with_a/
%
What do you call a sapling in the military?

An Infantry! (Infant tree, a sapling is a baby/young tree? Ah forget it!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mwkqd/what_do_you_call_a_sapling_in_the_military/
%
Jesus is crucified and ascends to Heaven.

When he arrives, he is beyond pissed at God. He says "Dad, why did you let them nail me to a piece of wood? That fucking hurt!" and God replies "Don't get cross with me, young man!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mwiee/jesus_is_crucified_and_ascends_to_heaven/
%
The wife told her husband

"look at your neighbour everyday he kisses his wife before going to work, why don't you do the same ?", he says " I would, but would she accept ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mwi8g/the_wife_told_her_husband/
%
What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion?

A cat-ass-trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mwh7e/what_happens_when_you_cross_a_grown_kitten_a/
%
What did the philosopher say to his coworker?

"Cleanup on the detergent aisle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mwfra/what_did_the_philosopher_say_to_his_coworker/
%
So I ask my local librarian...

If she had books on Pavlovs dog and Schrodingers cat. She said they rang a bell but dont know if they are there or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mwd16/so_i_ask_my_local_librarian/
%
A teacher was teaching sentences in school.

"Wendy," she says. "Say a sentence that starts with the letter I."
"I is..." Wendy says before she gets cut off by the teacher.
"No, it is 'I *am,*' not 'I is.' Try again," the teacher corrects.
"Okay... I *am* the ninth letter of the alphabet," Wendy says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mw9rw/a_teacher_was_teaching_sentences_in_school/
%
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

Beat it, we're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mw9al/what_did_the_sign_on_the_door_of_the_whorehouse/
%
The oldest living pirate turned 80 today and had this to say.

AYE MATEY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mw95w/the_oldest_living_pirate_turned_80_today_and_had/
%
I'm a Responsible Gun Owner.

I did the right thing and got my gun neutered. Now it just fires blanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mw7ln/im_a_responsible_gun_owner/
%
How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask him/her to pronounce unionized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mw4i1/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_plumber/
%
Today my daughter, she is 7, made me look like an ass at the store...

She was throwing a fit and it started to annoy me. I saw another child that was acting good and said, "look at that girl over there; she isn't misbehaving"
And without missing a beat, she says, "maybe she has better parents"
We were in check out, and several people laughed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mw25x/today_my_daughter_she_is_7_made_me_look_like_an/
%
Two girls are moving into their college dorm... Nsfw

and their mothers are helping them. One girl is from a small town in the south, the other is from an uppity suburb just outside Pretentiousville.
Southern mom: Being cordial, "Where y'all from?"
Pretentiousville mom: "We're from a place where people know not to end a sentence with a preposition."
Southern mom: "Oh, my apologies." Correcting herself, "Where y'all from, cunt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mvzlx/two_girls_are_moving_into_their_college_dorm_nsfw/
%
What do you call an illegal immigrant and a pedophile fighting?

Alien Vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mvzl6/what_do_you_call_an_illegal_immigrant_and_a/
%
The price of balloons is said to rise.

It's only logical with all the inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mvx3l/the_price_of_balloons_is_said_to_rise/
%
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best..

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mvwyt/the_lapd_the_fbi_and_the_cia_are_all_trying_to/
%
9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me

She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mvwxg/9_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_on_a/
%
Why do priests wear underwear in the shower?

They don't like to look down on the unemployed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mvvyx/why_do_priests_wear_underwear_in_the_shower/
%
I've got a good joke to use on your friends (works better face to face)

You: I've got a knock knock joke, but you have to start.
Friend: Knock knock.
You: Who's there?
*confusion and bewilderment ensues*
It's funny to see how long it takes them to work out what happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mvql4/ive_got_a_good_joke_to_use_on_your_friends_works/
%
It's been three weeks since I put superglue on my friend's pen.

But he still can't let it go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mvlrk/its_been_three_weeks_since_i_put_superglue_on_my/
%
Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk?

Because their wives are driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mvipj/why_do_most_car_accidents_happen_when_men_are/
%
You know what I heard?

Sheep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mvdcy/you_know_what_i_heard/
%
I just opened a new christian restaurant called "The Lord Giveth"

We also do takeaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mvd7x/i_just_opened_a_new_christian_restaurant_called/
%
You think you know all about fractions...

But you don't know the half of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mvcjs/you_think_you_know_all_about_fractions/
%
My father got crushed by a falling piano.

His funeral was very low key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mvbcq/my_father_got_crushed_by_a_falling_piano/
%
What's the difference between the cries of a grieving family and reggae music?

I would feel awkward dancing to reggae music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mvayb/whats_the_difference_between_the_cries_of_a/
%
I heard it's impossible to ban Tank tops in the US...

Something about the right to bare arms...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mv75i/i_heard_its_impossible_to_ban_tank_tops_in_the_us/
%
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the bridge?

Tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mv2yr/why_did_the_mexican_push_his_wife_off_the_bridge/
%
Mom, what's the thing between your legs?

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby.
One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs?
She responded, "It's my washcloth".
Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked
in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother:
"What happened to your washcloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it".
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming,
"I found your washcloth!"
The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along
with the boy and asked,
"Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's washing daddy's face with it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mv1nq/mom_whats_the_thing_between_your_legs/
%
The jungle book has been adapted into a live action play

But after the show at the Cincinnati zoo all other showings have been cancelled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mv1i7/the_jungle_book_has_been_adapted_into_a_live/
%
A student staring off in class...

The teacher said to the student "starring off into space never got anyone far in life." The student quipped "That's what they told Galileo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4muzlr/a_student_staring_off_in_class/
%
How will Donald Trump deport 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4muxnb/how_will_donald_trump_deport_12_million_illegal/
%
Why do hamburgers and hot dogs fuck their cousins?

Because they're inbred!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4muvio/why_do_hamburgers_and_hot_dogs_fuck_their_cousins/
%
What's the difference between /r/jokes and your mothers vagina?

Your mother's vagina gets some new content every once in a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4muu5c/whats_the_difference_between_rjokes_and_your/
%
A kid walks into a pharmacy and asks the doctor if he has something to counter viagra.

Doctor gets confused and asks:
-Son, every man asks for viagra, why are you asking for something to counter it?
Kid says:
-My grandpa died and we can't close the casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4musyt/a_kid_walks_into_a_pharmacy_and_asks_the_doctor/
%
What did the pigeon say after its friend landed a sick flip?

Coo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4muscj/what_did_the_pigeon_say_after_its_friend_landed_a/
%
The Greek Economy

Forever A Loan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4murnp/the_greek_economy/
%
What's the difference between a gun and a feminist?

A gun has one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mulzh/whats_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a_feminist/
%
Why isn't diving an event in the Special Olympics?

It's a pain in the ass to retrieve the wheelchairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mul2z/why_isnt_diving_an_event_in_the_special_olympics/
%
Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club

Thank you all for coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mudni/welcome_to_the_sexual_innuendo_club/
%
A golfer hits a ball off the fairway...

On the seventh hole, a golfer hits a ball off the fairway and it lands in a big field of flowers. He figures it's a playable lie, so he's winding up for a shot and he hears a voice behind him say, "Please don't hurt my buttercups."
The golfer turns around and he sees a woman in a flowing robe. "Who are you?", he says.
"I'm Mother Nature" she replied. "And if you don't hurt my buttercups, I'll give you all of the butter you want for the rest of your life."
The golfer thinks about this and says, "Sure, OK - but where were you on the 5th hole when I hit a shot into the pussy willows?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mucry/a_golfer_hits_a_ball_off_the_fairway/
%
This lady had a sick duck she took in to the vet.

This lady had a sick duck she took in to the vet  to have it checked out. The vet looked at the duck and said, " Lady, your duck is dead."
"Oh no, this cannot be. Please isn't there something you can do. My duck cannot be dead," said the lady.
So the vet brought in a Labrador Retriever who sniffed at the duck and then looked up at the vet. "Yep, your duck is dead."
"No, isn't there some other way to check on my duck?" the lady exclaimed.
So the vet brought in a cat who circled around the duck with the most curious expression on his face and finally looked up at the vet.
The vet said, "Lady it's confirmed. Your duck is dead. "
The lady asked, "Well, how much do I owe you?"
Looking apologetic, the vet said,"Well, it was going to be $150, but with the lab work and the cat scan it comes to $5000.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mucon/this_lady_had_a_sick_duck_she_took_in_to_the_vet/
%
I think Google's a woman...

Because it won't let you finish a sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mubj5/i_think_googles_a_woman/
%
Women are like modern art...

They're hard to figure out, and we're not really sure if they even have a purpose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mu99a/women_are_like_modern_art/
%
Why do young girls go to the restroom in odd numbered groups?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mu5zm/why_do_young_girls_go_to_the_restroom_in_odd/
%
What do all failing students in New Orleans have in common?

They are all below "C level".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mu3ea/what_do_all_failing_students_in_new_orleans_have/
%
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mu2at/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/
%
Yesterday one of my patients told me about the time he sat on his testicles...

It was nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mu27w/yesterday_one_of_my_patients_told_me_about_the/
%
17 blondes decide to go to cinema...

But when they arrive they don't enter the cinema because it says you have to be 18 to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mtwax/17_blondes_decide_to_go_to_cinema/
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During the summer, a kid started a yard work business....

...After several weeks his mother noticed he was becoming more and more depressed. She asked her son, "why are you so blue lately, your business is doing great"?
The son replied, "Mow money mow problems".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mtujh/during_the_summer_a_kid_started_a_yard_work/
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There are a mother and child at a wedding.

The child turns to her mother and asks "Mommy, why is the Bride wearing white?" The mother quietly responds "Because, white is seen as the color of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life!" The child ponders this for a moment, and then turns to her mother again. "Then why is the Groom wearing black?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mttzz/there_are_a_mother_and_child_at_a_wedding/
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What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mtqpa/what_does_a_clock_do_when_its_hungry/
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I made a joke about Kim Jong-Un

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mtplq/i_made_a_joke_about_kim_jongun/
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A woman flashed her tits at me today....

I just sat there and giggled like a school boy.
Then she said to me " will you stop mucking around and check this lump, doctor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mtgsq/a_woman_flashed_her_tits_at_me_today/
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The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Hillary and said,

"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mtg8l/the_pope_and_hillary_are_on_the_same_stage_in/
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Grumpy Pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. She insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before she would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the pharmacist, and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."
"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mtc46/grumpy_pharmacist/
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 20 years

I didn't want to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mtb2n/i_havent_spoken_to_my_wife_in_20_years/
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What's worse than passing out and waking up after a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mt61s/whats_worse_than_passing_out_and_waking_up_after/
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Before & after marriage...

Before marriage:
He: “Great! I can’t wait for that day!”
She: “May I change my mind? “
He: “No! Don’t even think about that!”
She: “Do you love me?”
He: “Of course!”
She: “Will you cheat on me??”
He: “No! Where does that thought come from?”
She: ”Would you give me a kiss?”
He: ”Sure, and a great one.”
She: ”Is there a chance for you to hit me?”
He: “Never.”
She: “Can I have your word?”
After marriage: (read backward)↑

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mt5nw/before_after_marriage/
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During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.

He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mt39s/during_a_weekly_game_at_the_home_for_the_aged_the/
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My doctor told me I have a tumor

At first I was upset, but it's starting to grow on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mt2nb/my_doctor_told_me_i_have_a_tumor/
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Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4msz1c/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
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The Hunter and the Priest

One day a priest was tending to the church grounds when he spotted a hunter with his days catch of rabbits strolling across the graveyard.
The priest thought nothing of the hunter and presumed he was using the graveyard as a shortcut to reach the local Tavern. While the Priest was watching, he witnessed the hunter pull down his trousers and take a shit behind one of the gravestones. The hunter finished shitting pulled up his trousers and carried on his way toward the Tavern. The priest being completely shocked at what he had just witnessed did not come to his senses until the hunter had left the area.
The next day the Priest was again tending to the church grounds when he spotted the Hunter walking through the graveyard once again stopping half way to take a shit then carry on towards the Tavern. The Priest hurried after the Hunter into the tavern and found him sat at the bar drinking, the Priest approached the Hunter and asked to purchase one of his freshly caught rabbits for his evening supper. The hunter obliged and carried on with his drinking.
On the third day the Priest hid behind a bush close to the Hunters shitting spot and sure enough the Hunter came wondering by, dropped his trousers and began to shit. The Priest crept up behind the Hunter and placed the butchered rabbits entrails from his previous nights supper underneath the Hunter and scurried away to the Tavern without the shitting Hunter noticing.
Just as the Priest had settled himself at the bar the Hunter came bursting through the Tavern doors demanding the strongest drink in the house.
"Hunter, whats wrong?" asked the priest with a wry smile on his face. "It was awful Father" gasped the Hunter, "I was taking a shit and looked round to see my guts had come out!" The Hunter slammed his drink down, demanded another and continued "It's alright though, I think I got them all back in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4msxmi/the_hunter_and_the_priest/
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Before and After Sex

Before sex,you help each other get naked.
after sex,you only dress yourself.
moral of the story?
In life no one helps you once your fucked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4msx43/before_and_after_sex/
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I named my hard drive "dat ass"...

Once a month, my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mswyq/i_named_my_hard_drive_dat_ass/
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I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way...

So, I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4msv4p/i_asked_god_for_a_car_but_i_know_god_doesnt_work/
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Life is a lot like a Penis.

.
Simple,soft,straight,relaxed and hanging freely..then a woman makes it hard...!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4msuqm/life_is_a_lot_like_a_penis/
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Father: *places hand on shoulder* My son.....

*Son: Yes father?
*Father: Check out this cool severed hand I just found!
editted for format, which I suck at apparently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mstjh/father_places_hand_on_shoulder_my_son/
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TIL that Matthew McConaughey's left hand is never seen in any of his movies.

...because he's "all right, all right, all right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4msszi/til_that_matthew_mcconaugheys_left_hand_is_never/
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What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea???

I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mssgt/whats_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a/
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Women are like hand grenades

If you take off the ring you lose your house and half your belongings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4msnde/women_are_like_hand_grenades/
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What do you do if you break your arm in two places?

Don't go back to those two places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4msn3u/what_do_you_do_if_you_break_your_arm_in_two_places/
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"IT'S A BOY!" I shouted. "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!"

And with tears streaming down my face, I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mskus/its_a_boy_i_shouted_a_boy_i_dont_believe_it_its_a/
%
His wife was packing her things ...

Joe comes home from work to find his wife Alice packing her bags.
"Where are you going?" Joe asked.
"I'm going to New York! I just heard that I can get $400 a night for doing what I do for with you for free." Alice replied
Joe then walks over to the closet and pulls out a bag and starts packing his things.
"Where are you going?" Alice asked.
"I'm going to New York. I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4msjt4/his_wife_was_packing_her_things/
%
Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv..

...and I thought "is that one mine"?
Then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4msion/saw_a_black_guy_walking_the_streets_carrying_a_tv/
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What is politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mshqc/what_is_politics/
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If con is the opposite of pro

... then is Congress the opposite of progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4msglg/if_con_is_the_opposite_of_pro/
%
Where does light go to jail?

prism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mse6e/where_does_light_go_to_jail/
%
I've decided to marry a pencil

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ms3jo/ive_decided_to_marry_a_pencil/
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BOY: Dad , is a mermaid girl or a fish ?

DAD : Well son that depends weather you are HORNY or HUNGRY .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mrvjy/boy_dad_is_a_mermaid_girl_or_a_fish/
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A boy and a gorilla walk into a bar...

The boy says "first shot's on me"
The gorilla replies "nah,  I got this"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mrvfk/a_boy_and_a_gorilla_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mrugi/a_man_asks_a_farmer_near_a_field_sorry_sir_would/
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What's the saddest thing about being a chicken?

You only get laid once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mrsgs/whats_the_saddest_thing_about_being_a_chicken/
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In the land of Cheerios...

In the land of Cheerios there is a cast system. At the top there are the king and queen Cheerios, next come the noble Cheerios, then the night Cheerios who are responsible for law enforcement in the land, then come the peasant Cheerios who are somewhat oppressed but work hard and get by, and then there are the gangster Cheerios who break the rules and steal from other hard working Cheerios. Some gangster Cheerios however were born into the gangster Cheerios cast, and want nothing more than to live an honest life, unfortunately, everyone, even the peasant Cheerios look down on them.
One day, a young gangster cheerio who wanted to escape his cast, decided he wanted a friend who was not a gangster cheerio to hang out with. So he went to the peasant Cheerios, and knocked on the door. A peasant cheerio answered, and said "hello gangster cheerio, how can I help you?" The gangster cheerio responded "hi peasant cheerio, I was wondering if you wanted to be friends with me" the peasant cheerio said "look, I'm sorry gangster cheerio, but if the knight Cheerios found out that I was friends with a gangster cheerio, they would have me locked up." The gangster cheerio responds "that's okay, I understand" and walks home, a little put out.
The next day, he wakes up, puts on his brave face, and goes out into the country in search of a knight cheerio. He sees one a little ways off and goes over to talk to him. Excuse me, knight cheerio? I was wondering if you wanted tone friends with me" he said in a hopeful voice. The knight cheerio turned around, looked him up and down, and, with his nose in the air, said "Gangster cheerio, I should really arrest you right now, but I'll let you off easy, get out of my line of sight, and I won't have to cuff you." So gangster cheerio walked on home, a little dejected.
The next day, gangster cheerio decided to venture up to the nobles mansion, he hiked up to the front doors, and looked at how fancy it all was, then he wrong the bell. A nobleman cheerio answered, took one look at the gangster cheerio, and slammed the door in his face. Gangster cheerio went home really depressed that night.
The next day gangster cheerio was nervous, today was when he would visit the king, and this was his last chance to make a friend. He trekked on up to the royal palace, and knocked on the door. He was shown in and asked to wait in the sitting room. A few moments later, the king cheerio entered the room. "King cheerio" said the gangster cheerio "will you be friends with me?" "Of course I'll be friends with you" responded the king cheerio. The gangster cheerio was elated.
"So" said the king cheerio "what do you want to do now that we are friends, we could either go to the circus, or go to the fair"
"I would like to go to the circus" said the gangster cheerio. The king pulls out his iPhone and checks four square.
"Well" he says "there are a thousand people at the circus, but only dive hundred at the fair"
Alright then, let's go to the fair" says the gangster cheerio
So they went to the fair and decide they want to go on a ride, there is a roller coaster and a Ferris wheel.
"Do you want to go on the roller coaster, or the Ferris wheel?" Asks the king
"I would like to go on the Ferris wheel" says the gangster cheerio
So the king checks four square
"There are four hundred people in line at the Ferris wheel, but only two hundred in line at the roller coaster" he says
"Alright then, let's do the roller coaster" says the gangster cheerio
They ride the roller coaster, get off, and decide they are kind of hungry. There are two kinds of food available, hamburgers, and hot diggitty-dogs [do not ask me why they are called that, they just are].
"Do you want hamburgers or hot diggitty-dogs?" Asks the king
"I would like hamburgers" says the gangster cheerio
The king checks four square, and says
"There are twenty people in line for hamburgers, but only ten in line for hot diggitty-dogs"
"Alright then, let's get hot diggitty-dogs" says the gangster cheerio
They finish their hot diggitty-dogs, and realize they are thirsty. There is root beer and punch available.
"Do you want root beer or punch!" Asks the king
"I would like root beer" says the gangster cheerio
So the king pulls out his phone, checks four square and sees that there are five people in line for the root beer,
But there's no punch line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mrrow/in_the_land_of_cheerios/
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I hope you don't take this joke literally

but if you do, please return it later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mrrm9/i_hope_you_dont_take_this_joke_literally/
%
What did Mario say when he found out he got drunk and had sex with a green mushroom?

"Well, I fucked that one up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mror4/what_did_mario_say_when_he_found_out_he_got_drunk/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill the irish?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mrmm8/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_the_irish/
%
Donald Trump has a new slogan that he hopes will help his numbers with African American voters.

"Orange Is The New Black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mrmbl/donald_trump_has_a_new_slogan_that_he_hopes_will/
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A graduate has an interview at a fancy restaurant

A young achiever recently graduated from university and is in the process of interviewing for her first "real" job. She made it past the preliminaries with one of her preferred employers and was invited to have dinner at a fancy restaurant with her potential boss. Naturally, she arrives early to make sure that the reservations are in order and to see if anything can be done to make the occasion a standout.
Well, what do you know, there's a celebrity in the restaurant: reality TV star, real estate mogul, and Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump. The young woman, who happens to be attractive, boldly walks up to his table and says,
"Mr Trump, I know this is very forward of me, but I'm a huge admirer. My family has donated to your campaign and we've all turned out for your rallies. I'm having an interview in this restaurant in a few minutes and it would make such a good impression if you dropped by my table and said hello."
Trump, mellow with good food and drink, and charmed by her appearance and enthusiasm agrees to do her this favour. Soon the young woman is chatting with her potential boss and mentor over their meals. On his way out, Trump stops by and greets the young woman like an old friend. She rolls her eyes, gives an exasperated sigh, and says, "Fuck off, Don, we're trying to eat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mrkdw/a_graduate_has_an_interview_at_a_fancy_restaurant/
%
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mrgpm/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_got_any_bread/
%
What's the difference between Naruto and Bleach?

No one ever told me to drink Naruto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mrg0t/whats_the_difference_between_naruto_and_bleach/
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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mrdhb/a_lost_dog_strays_into_a_jungle_a_lion_sees_this/
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I don't see why people are outraged when Donald Trump says if Ivanka wasn't his daughter, he'd be dating her.

After all, if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I'd date her too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mr8fm/i_dont_see_why_people_are_outraged_when_donald/
%
Why is Darth Vader's helmet so phallic?

...because when they hid Luke & Leia from him, they removed his force kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mr3hz/why_is_darth_vaders_helmet_so_phallic/
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Why did the policeman stay in bed today?

he was undercover
*!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mr1ki/why_did_the_policeman_stay_in_bed_today/
%
How do you deep throat a Muslim girl?

You Ramadan her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mqwo4/how_do_you_deep_throat_a_muslim_girl/
%
Dirty joke

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?
One hundred people who don't do dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mqr8r/dirty_joke/
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What do you call a crazy guy in a room full of mosquitoes?

A bit neurotic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mqqsd/what_do_you_call_a_crazy_guy_in_a_room_full_of/
%
How many cats does it take to make a fur coat?

None!  Cats can't sew!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mqmt2/how_many_cats_does_it_take_to_make_a_fur_coat/
%
A mother and her young daughter are going home by taxi at night...

after some time they're passing by the red-light district and the young girl discovers some prostitutes on the street. She asks her mother: "Mom, what are they doing?"
The mother replies: "They're just guarding the parked cars."
The taxi driver intervenes: "Don't let your mother bullshit you - they're whores!"
The mother turns red and sinks down in the back seat annoyed and disappointed by the driver.
A few moments later the little girl asks: "Mom can whores get children too?"
The mother starts smiling spitefully and looks the driver in the eyes through the driving mirror... "Sure, where else do you think all the taxi drivers come from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mqltk/a_mother_and_her_young_daughter_are_going_home_by/
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What do you do to get rid of an obese demon?

You exorcise him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mqbvh/what_do_you_do_to_get_rid_of_an_obese_demon/
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There is no single shoe store near me...

They all seem to sell them in pairs.
^^^sorry ^^^if ^^^not ^^^OC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mqae8/there_is_no_single_shoe_store_near_me/
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Benny and the Magic Urn

Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. Benny was a simple man with simple talents and simple desires. He was a quiet fellow who loved to walk the beach when he had some time to spare. He was the kind of guy you wouldn't mind having a drink with, but anything more might be tedious. One day, as Benny was walking the beach, he stumbled over a small black jar-shaped object. Benny curiously picked it up and began to brush off the sand.
*Woosh*
Benny winced as sand flew into his eyes, blinding him temporarily. By the time he opened his eyes, a shadow had been cast over him.
**"I AM KHALROG, GENIE OF THE URN, YOU HAVE AWOKEN ME FROM MY SLUMBER. WHAT IS YOUR ONE TRUE DESIRE?"** the genie bellowed.
Stunned, Benny could hardly believe what he was seeing. Benny thought for a moment as he regained his senses. Then he began to speak, "Well, I've always wanted a magnificent beard. I've always had a hard time with the ladies and I hear great beards are a wonderful attraction."
**"VERY WELL,"** replied the genie, **"YOU MAY HAVE YOUR BEARD. HOWEVER, I MUST WARN YOU THAT THIS BEARD COMES AT A PRICE: YOU MUST NEVER SHAVE IT OFF."**
Benny thought for a moment, then agreed to the genie's conditions. A brilliant beard protruded from Benny's chin and grew and grew until finally it reached his belly. This was fantastic! Surely he would be a ladies' man now!
Years passed by as Benny became an icon of beard lovers everywhere. He won contest after contest and seducing women had never been easier. Then one day, he met the woman of his dreams. They went on several dates together before she revealed to him that she would love nothing else than to see him without his beard. Benny loved his beard, but he loved this woman much more. Reluctantly, he agreed to shave it off in the morning.
The next morning, Benny grabbed his razor and started to shave his beard.
*POOF*
Suddenly, Benny was teleported into a round, black room!
"Egad!" Benny cried. "Where am I!?"
**"YOU HAVE DISOBEYED THE ONE RULE, BENNY,"** a voice behind him roared.
Benny stammered, "But I... I... it's only a beard! Why are you doing this to me?"
The genie replied, **"I AM THE GENIE OF THE URN, BENNY. I HAVE RULES. WHEN THOSE RULES ARE BROKEN, YOU MUST BE PUNISHED."**
"So... so... what's my... my punishment then?" Benny stuttered.
**"YOU WILL REMAIN HERE IN MY URN FOR ALL ETERNITY AND THE WORLD WILL KNOW YOUR FAULTS."** the genie exclaimed.
And from that day forth, Benny has taught all Bennys everywhere the most important lesson of all:
>*A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mq91d/benny_and_the_magic_urn/
%
A man walks into a bar while carrying a chunk of asphalt under his arm....

he says, "Hey! Bartender! Two beers please." The bartender looks at him with a confused look and asked, "Why two? Are you waiting on someone?" The man responds, "Nah, I need for me and one for the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mq3pd/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_while_carrying_a_chunk_of/
%
Hey girl, are you my appendix?

Because I'm not completely sure how you work, but this strange feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mq377/hey_girl_are_you_my_appendix/
%
I was sitting at a park one day just watching the children play...

I was sitting at a park one day just watching the children play.
A mother came up to me and said, "So, which one is yours?"
I looked over the playground and said, "You know, I haven't decided yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpy4u/i_was_sitting_at_a_park_one_day_just_watching_the/
%
Mickey Mouse goes to see a divorce lawyer

Divorce lawyer: (After speaking for a while) So, you're saying that you want to divorce Minnie because she was... very silly?
Mickey: No, I said she was fucking Goofy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpwjy/mickey_mouse_goes_to_see_a_divorce_lawyer/
%
What's the difference between Jews and a bullet?

The bullet comes out of the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpsv2/whats_the_difference_between_jews_and_a_bullet/
%
I got caught sniffing underwear...

I got caught sniffing my friend's sister's underwear the other day,
What made it worse was she was still wearing them,
Made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpp4o/i_got_caught_sniffing_underwear/
%
Why did the bee go to the doctor?

Because he had hives
Badum tsh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpo26/why_did_the_bee_go_to_the_doctor/
%
Definition of a best friend

He goes out and gets two blow jobs and comes back and gives you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpmtm/definition_of_a_best_friend/
%
I'm part of a club for people with parkinson's

We have our own hand shake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpmfy/im_part_of_a_club_for_people_with_parkinsons/
%
What do you call people who use the pull out method?

Parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpm1z/what_do_you_call_people_who_use_the_pull_out/
%
I originally heard Paul McCartney tell this joke on a YouTube video [long]

It was a while back so it's not a perfect transcript, plus imagine a nice English accent telling the joke, and it was probably posted here before but, here goes:
A man's car breaks down on a winding road far from anything. He notices a gate going up a hill leading to a small bar. He follows the gate, gets inside the bar and asks the bartender if he can phone a tow truck. The bartender let's him.
After he calls the tow truck the man takes a seat at the bar, and says "Thanks, the tow truck is gonna be a while" then orders a guinness.
After a bit of silence the bartender says "Hey, did you notice that nice long gate outside the bar? I built it by hand, pretty nice gate, wouldn't you say?"
The man nods and replies "yeah, it's a nice gate"
The bartender mumbles "You think they'd call me Billy the gate builder, but no..."
The man continues to sip his drink
The bartender then says "you see this nice hardwood floor? I placed each plank by hand, don't you think it's nice?"
The man nods and replies "yeah it's nice"
The bartender mumbles " you think they'd call me Billy the floor placer but no..."
The man continues to sip.
The bartender points at his drink and says "you see that guinness? I think I pulled it pretty nice, don't you think?"
The man nods and replies "yeah it's nicely pulled"
The bartender mumbles again "you think they'd call me Billy the guinness puller, but no..."
The man, a little weirded out, continues to sip
The bartender then yells "BUT YOU FUCK ONE GOAT..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mplch/i_originally_heard_paul_mccartney_tell_this_joke/
%
5 minutes

A cop drives up Lovers' Lane and sees a car parked. He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book, and I'm 20."
Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is. The boy replies, "She's knitting, and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpk63/5_minutes/
%
So Muhammad Ali is dead...

Is it too soon for a punchline?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpk3j/so_muhammad_ali_is_dead/
%
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpiqs/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_twenty_years/
%
What do recent college graduates and felons have in common?

It takes three to five years before anyone will hire them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpiao/what_do_recent_college_graduates_and_felons_have/
%
A teenager tells his dad "Dad I just had sex for the first time ."

The father trying to hide his excitement  tells his son " here son sit down and lets talk about it"
The son replies " I can't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpf7p/a_teenager_tells_his_dad_dad_i_just_had_sex_for/
%
A priest finds a 13 year old boy in the woods

"What are you doing, boy?" The priest asked loudly, seeing the boy curled over himself with his pants at his ankles.
The boy was startled and immediately pulled up his pants. Stammering, he said "This is the only place I thought I could have any privacy, Father."
"My son, your body is sacred. To do as you were is a sin in the eyes of God, you must save it for when you are married."
The boy was confused, but accepted the priest's words. He apologized and made his way home.
15 years later, the day before his wedding, he returned to speak with the priest. They greeted one another and after some conversation he said "Listen, Father, I have a question that I need answered."
"You may ask me anything."
"When I was a kid and you found me in the woods that one day, you told me that I had to 'save it' for when I'm married."
"Yes, and have you done as I said?"
"Well, that's what I wanted to ask about. I'm getting married tomorrow, and I've got a barrel full of the stuff in my back yard. But what am I supposed to do with it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpeea/a_priest_finds_a_13_year_old_boy_in_the_woods/
%
Mood ring

I got my wife a mood ring. When she's in a good mood it turns a beautiful shade of blue. When she's in a bad mood it leaves an ugly red mark on my forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpe8q/mood_ring/
%
My dick was in the Guinness book of World Records

Until I got kicked out of the library :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mpbfk/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
What do you call spiders in the Middle East?

Iraqnids.
Yep. An original.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mp9sn/what_do_you_call_spiders_in_the_middle_east/
%
An elephant in the circus

The ringmaster of a small circus decides to challenge the audience:
"We'll pay 30 million dollars to whoever completes these 3 impossible tasks: make our elephant jump, sit down and talk!"
Suddenly, a man from crowd stands up:
"I can do that, but you have to turn off the lights!"
A little puzzled, the ringmaster leads the man to the stage, brings the elephant and turns off the lights. When the lights are off, the man brutally kicks the elephant's balls and ask the ringmaster to turn on the lights. The elephant is jumping out of pain.
There came the second task. Lights off. The man beats the elephant's balls with a golf club, making the animal sit down in agony.
Lights on. The audience applauds.
"Now the third task", said the ringmaster, turning off the lights.
"KEEP THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON!", said the elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mp5yi/an_elephant_in_the_circus/
%
Pedophiles like their wine like they like their girls

9 years old and locked up in  the basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mp43l/pedophiles_like_their_wine_like_they_like_their/
%
I've always wanted to shake Muhammad Ali's hand

Unfortunately, Parkinson's beat me to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mozwd/ive_always_wanted_to_shake_muhammad_alis_hand/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4movbb/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
%
When Pavlov was done with his experiments what did he do with his dogs?

Donate them to the salivation army
^^I'llseemyselfout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mouip/when_pavlov_was_done_with_his_experiments_what/
%
"What do we want?"

"Low fly airplane noises!!!"
"When do we want it?"
"NEEEEOOOWWWWWW"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mos7t/what_do_we_want/
%
Can you smell mothballs? I can't.

I can never get their legs far enough apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4moq0g/can_you_smell_mothballs_i_cant/
%
A zebra dies and goes to heaven.... (slightly racist?)

The zebra gets to heaven and meets God. He asks him, "Almighty, i've always wanted to know - am I black with white stripes? Or am I white with black stripes?" God ponders it over for a moment and simply responds... "Well, you are what you are." The zebra is a bit frustrated hearing this and says "That's great, but it doesn't really answer my question." God smiles and says "Sure it does. It means you're white, because if you were black I would have said "you is what you is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mopf1/a_zebra_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_slightly_racist/
%
One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm

. Being a helpful guy, John tells him there's a new robot in a store down the road that, if you pour your urine into it and insert a dollar bill, it will diagnose any illness that you may have. Hardly believing what he was told, Bob pees into the cup and goes to the store to check it out for himself. Sure enough, there was this robot all new and shiny. So he inserts a dollar bill, and pours his urine into a special receptacle. The robot starts beeping, and seconds later prints out a piece of paper that reads.
"You have a simple sprain. Put a cold compress on your arm and avoid heavy lifting, and your arm will get better in a week"
Bob is amazed at how advanced technology has become, and immediately starts thinking about ways to beat the robot. When he gets home, he shares the news with his wife and daughter and asks them to pee into the cup, to which they happily oblige. He then walks over to the kitty litter box, picks up the poop and places it into the cup with the urine. He then mixes the concoction with tap water and for good measure, beats one off right into the cup. The next day he returns to the store, inserts a dollar bill, and pours his entire concoction into the receptacle. After the customary beeps, the robot prints out an even longer piece of paper. It reads:
" 1.Your tap water has too much iron. Buy a filter.
2.Your cat has worms. Take it to a vet.
3.Your daughter shoots up heroin. Take her to rehab ASAP.
4.Your wife is pregnant, and you're not the father. Get a good lawyer.
5.And lastly, if you don't stop jerking off, your arm will never get better"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4moktb/one_time_bob_told_his_friend_john_that_he_had/
%
I climbed a really tall ladder.

Afterwards, I was rung out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4moie7/i_climbed_a_really_tall_ladder/
%
Donations

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"ISIS have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4moi1p/donations/
%
Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman:

What it shows is interesting, but what it doesn't show is the most important part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4moftc/statistics_is_like_a_bikini_on_a_beautiful_woman/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mof5p/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
What's the difference between a black joke and Mexican joke?

Nothing. If you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mobnk/whats_the_difference_between_a_black_joke_and/
%
Q: Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?

A: Because he's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mob5c/q_why_cant_ray_charles_see_his_friends/
%
Once when I was on a flight...

Once when I was on a flight, our cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who had put everyone on the cabin in a good mood.
As the plane got ready to descend, he swished down the aisle and told the passengers, "The captain has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, slightly Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, love. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Now put the tray up, Bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4moanw/once_when_i_was_on_a_flight/
%
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket full of shit?

The bucket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mo9pp/whats_the_difference_between_a_lawyer_and_a/
%
Why was the ketchup in the refrigerator embarrassed?

He saw the salad dressing!   Thank you thank you..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mo9i7/why_was_the_ketchup_in_the_refrigerator/
%
Q: Why does Michael J. Fox make such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients. What did you think, asshole?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mo8wy/q_why_does_michael_j_fox_make_such_good_milkshakes/
%
Man walks into a bar

"2 whisky, 1 pint and 3 brandy"
Drinks all and takes the bottle of whisky and continues to fill and drink.
Barman " WOAHHH Slow down pal take it easy, what's the problem?"
Man " I only have £1.60"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mo81m/man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I broke the drums at the bar where I work, so my boss had to order a new set

He told me there would be repercussions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mo5vs/i_broke_the_drums_at_the_bar_where_i_work_so_my/
%
Never fall in love with a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mo4xr/never_fall_in_love_with_a_tennis_player/
%
How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mo4wl/how_bout_a_blowjob/
%
Why did EA remove gender restrictions in The Sims 4?

They're just doing their small part, because EA loves micro trans actions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mo4sf/why_did_ea_remove_gender_restrictions_in_the_sims/
%
English/Scottish/Irish construction site

An English man, Scottish man and an Irish man was working on top of a 400ft building.
Dinner time comes and they all sit down and open their sandwiches that their wives had prepared for them.
English man opens his and it's Ham
English man :- "I'm sick to death of fucking ham sandwiches! If my wife makes me these again in gonna throw myself off this building"
Scottish man opens his and it's Corned Beef
Scottish man :- " I can't stand corned fucking beef! If my wife makes me these again I'm gonna chuck myself off too!"
Irish man opens his and it's Egg Mayonnaise.
Irish man :- "Ehy I'm telling ye now these make me shit stink! If me wife makes me these again I'm also gonna throw meself"
Next day comes and the English man opens his. It's Ham, so he throws himself over
Scottish man opens his, it's Corned Beef, he jumps over after him.
Irish man opens his and it's Egg Mayonnaise, he dives off head first.
A week later, all three of the men's wives was at the joint funeral.
English mans wife :- " I can't believe this has happened l, if only he had told me I would of made something different"
Scottish mans wife :- " Aye, I canny get over it, I never knew it was such a big deal "
Irish mans wife :- " Ehy I'm not crying over my loss, he made his own sandwiches the daft twat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mo3u3/englishscottishirish_construction_site/
%
I think I'll vote the NSA for president...

...because at least they'll listen to the voters even after the election.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mo2aq/i_think_ill_vote_the_nsa_for_president/
%
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mo1oq/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
%
Three guys, stranded on a desert island

, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mo0nh/three_guys_stranded_on_a_desert_island/
%
What's 6.9?

A perfectly good 69 ruined by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnzwu/whats_69/
%
At a Catholic school, a class of children are asked...

Teacher: "If there are three birds sitting on a wire and one of them gets shot, how many birds are left?"
Girl: "There are two birds left!"
Teacher: "Correct. What about you Johnny?"
Johnny: "Zero."
Teacher: "That is wrong. How do you get zero if only one bird was shot?"
Johnny: "Simple. When the bird was shot the other two flew away."
Teacher: "That's a smart answer but it isn't right."
Johnny: "Okay, how about this?" *He reaches his hands into his pockets* "I am holding onto something hard, round
and has a head. What am I holding?"
Teacher: "Why Johnny! That's inappropriate!"
Johnny: "How so? It's only a coin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnyfb/at_a_catholic_school_a_class_of_children_are_asked/
%
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnvss/a_little_girl_and_boy_are_fighting_about_the/
%
What does an aging Sith lord with a bad hip use to get around?

An Imperial Walker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnuqn/what_does_an_aging_sith_lord_with_a_bad_hip_use/
%
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnu7l/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
%
What happens when a cow jumps over a barb wire fence?

Udder destruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnruk/what_happens_when_a_cow_jumps_over_a_barb_wire/
%
Why did the military name it's new drone system "Caitlyn Jenner"?

Because it's unmanned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnr3c/why_did_the_military_name_its_new_drone_system/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnpfo/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
Friends are a lot like trees...

They fall down when hit multiple times with an axe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnpad/friends_are_a_lot_like_trees/
%
Did you hear about the gay guy that fell into a coma?

It's the first reported case of a fruit becoming a vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnoos/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_guy_that_fell_into_a/
%
bill gates farted in an apple store and stank up the entire place...

But its their fault for not having windows..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mno1e/bill_gates_farted_in_an_apple_store_and_stank_up/
%
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnmrb/why_do_vegans_like_to_make_their_food_look_and/
%
When I see....

...lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnl8k/when_i_see/
%
A teacher and his students in the Anatomy class.

A teacher tells his students at their first day of the Medicine course, during the Anatomy class:
"The first thing one has to do to become a good doctor is to be a good observant. The second one is to never, ever feel disgusted by anything."
After this observation, the teacher leads the students to the autopsy room, where there is a corpse on a table.
"Let's do our first test. Everybody must do exactly what I'll do. Did I make myself clear?"
That being said, the teacher sticks his finger in the corpse's butthole, licking it soon after. The students are disgusted by the scene but follow the teacher's instructions. Each of them sticks their fingers in the corpse's butthole and then lick their fingers. After all of them have done it, the teacher tells his students:
"I want to congratulate you on not feeling disgusted by anything. That's essential to become a good doctor. However, you need to improve your observation skills. I stuck one finger in the butthole and licked another one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnjtf/a_teacher_and_his_students_in_the_anatomy_class/
%
True love lasts forever

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mng82/true_love_lasts_forever/
%
I could never marry a tennis line judge...

They always point out your faults.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnfsp/i_could_never_marry_a_tennis_line_judge/
%
Be careful when you buy stuff from Ebay .

My friend ordered a penis enlarger from ebay.
Those bitches sent him a magnifying glass :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mndo5/be_careful_when_you_buy_stuff_from_ebay/
%
How do you know if a girl is on her period?

Shut up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnc05/how_do_you_know_if_a_girl_is_on_her_period/
%
I asked a New Zealander how many sexual partners he'd had

He started counting but then fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnbl7/i_asked_a_new_zealander_how_many_sexual_partners/
%
How do you get a guitar player to shut up?

Put sheet music in front of him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mnb5r/how_do_you_get_a_guitar_player_to_shut_up/
%
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer...

I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mna9p/a_recent_survey_reported_that_three_quarters_of/
%
A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder...

They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:
"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"
and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mn86r/a_reporter_is_interviewing_stevie_wonder/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter what you call it. It's not gonna come.
(Probably been posted before, but oh well I'm new and I apologize)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mn79y/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Timmy wakes up in the morning

And he feels great! He then gets ready for work and, on the way, he goes to a coffee shop. The barista tells him: "are you ok? You look terrible".
He replies, "really? But I feel great!" He then continues to work.
He arrives, and his boss asks him, "Are you ok? You look terrible".
He replies, "really? But I feel great!"
The boss says, "Maybe you still should go home. Go see a doctor."
The doctor asks him what his symptoms are. Timmy replies, "I look terrible, but I feel great!"
The doctor says, "hmmm, I think I've seen this before. Let me check my book"
"Looks bad, feels bad, no."
"Looks good, feels bad, no that's not it."
"Aha! Looks bad, feels good!"
"Timmy, you're a vagina."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mn6tk/timmy_wakes_up_in_the_morning/
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A helium atom walks into a bar

The bartender says: sorry, we don't serve noble gases here.
The helium atom doesn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mn40z/a_helium_atom_walks_into_a_bar/
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A Freudian slip...

...is where you say one thing but fuck your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mn3lv/a_freudian_slip/
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?" The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.  "Someone else must have shot the bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mn2zs/an_80_year_old_man_was_having_his_annual_checkup/
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Elon Musk was born in South Africa, and made an electric car. What if he had been born in Madagascar?

He would have made a gas car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mn2yj/elon_musk_was_born_in_south_africa_and_made_an/
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A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church, sits down in a confession box but says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking mate, there's no paper in this one either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mn1v2/a_drunken_man_staggers_in_to_a_catholic_church/
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Killer Whales like classical music so much...

That they form Orcastras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mn0yo/killer_whales_like_classical_music_so_much/
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Triplets

A lady pregnant with triplets, went to the bank to deposit a check, while depositing the check a man came into the bank and robbed it. During the robbery he shot the pregnant lady three times in the stomach. After consulting with the doctors they told her that the kids were alright and in 15 years they will piss out the bullet. The lady has two daughters and a son, 15 years pass by. The first daughter comes up to the mom and says "Mom I pissed out a bullet." So the mom explains the story, the second daughter comes up and the same thing happens again. Finally the son comes up and the mom asks "What did you piss out a bullet?" To which the son replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mmvtu/triplets/
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A man is tanning at a nudist beach...

And a young girl who was playing with the seagulls ran up to him. Pointing to his nether regions she asked what that was and why lots of the people have them. The man not wanting to explain the reproductive system to some little girl said that it is his pet bird, pointing to his genitalia he said this is the bird, this is its nest and these are its eggs and that it was sleeping right now. The girl accepts this explanation and the man shoos her away to go play with the seagulls again.  The man slightly more self aware decided to cover himself with the newspaper he had next to himself and promptly fell asleep under the sun.
Waking up the man realized he was no longer at the beach he is in a bed and completely numb, unable to get up he looks around and notices the little girl from before. Completely disoriented he asks her what happened and she explained
'No one else at the beach would let me play with their birdie so I went to ask you if I could play with yours but you were asleep but  I really really wanted to pet the birdie so I pat it on the head and it woke up, We played for a little bit but it wouldn't come out its nest no matter how much I stroked and pulled it and then it spat in my face and when I went to tell mommy of the mean bird she broke its neck, crushed its eggs and set its nest on fire'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mmuk6/a_man_is_tanning_at_a_nudist_beach/
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Two guys survive a plane crash in the middle of the desert...

Two guys, John and James, survive a plane crash in the middle of the desert. With nothing better to do, and no food or water, they set out in search of civilisation.
A long while goes by, over which time they develop a fierce hunger. Suddenly, off in the distance, they spot a building. Excitedly they run towards it, but they slow down as they approach it. Turns out the building is a mosque.
Thinking for a while, James turns to John and says, "Hey, man, if we lie and say we're Muslim, they'll be sure to let us in!" John replies, "Look, you can do that if you want. But I don't want to be dishonest."
So they finally approach the mosque and a worshipper exits. He smiles at them and says, "You must be very tired. Tell me, what are your names?" John truthfully says his name, but James thinks for a bit and says, "My name is Muhammad."
The worshipper turns to John and says, "Hello, John. I'll get some food and water for you right away." Then he turns to James and says, "Hello, Muhammad. Ramadan murabak!"
-----
Since Ramadan starts tomorrow where I am, I thought I'd dig up this old joke (I don't follow it, I mean, but the thought counts, right?). Ramadan murabak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mmttn/two_guys_survive_a_plane_crash_in_the_middle_of/
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I have been talking to this beautiful woman online for a while...

And today I finally got to meet him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mmtav/i_have_been_talking_to_this_beautiful_woman/
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Whats Red and bad for your Teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mmpzc/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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The man who loved tractors.

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride". Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky. Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mmpke/the_man_who_loved_tractors/
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Who are some of the best readers in the world?

World Trade Center workers, some of them can read 50 stories in just 8 seconds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mmnfa/who_are_some_of_the_best_readers_in_the_world/
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Why do French people only have one egg at breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mmmbw/why_do_french_people_only_have_one_egg_at/
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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals...

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mmlpl/the_lapd_the_fbi_and_the_cia_are_all_trying_to/
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My girlfriend has been waiting for me to finish my book about old clocks for ages.

When I finally gave it to her, all she said was "It's about time!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mmgt0/my_girlfriend_has_been_waiting_for_me_to_finish/
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Lost my watch at a party..

And then saw some guy stamping on it whilst sexually harassing a girl. I went over and punched him straight on the nose. Nobody does that to a girl, certainly not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mmfem/lost_my_watch_at_a_party/
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A Catholic boy goes to confession...

A Catholic boy goes to confession:
"Bless me Father for I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace!" said the priest, "Especially when you have two gorgeous brothers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mmep9/a_catholic_boy_goes_to_confession/
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I started microfinancing my money to get better savings.

It just made a lot of cents to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mmd3u/i_started_microfinancing_my_money_to_get_better/
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I've got indigestion...

Don't ask me how I know. Just a gut feeling i guess

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mmbdo/ive_got_indigestion/
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[long] A man walks into a bar on the 30th floor....

A second man already sits at the bar drinking alone and looking a little lonely so the he goes to sit by him and orders a drink. The second man looks over at him, smiles, and says:
"You know, this bar is in just the right place that if you jump out that open window you'll pop right back up into it without ever hitting the ground."
The first man looks over in annoyance, thinking the man is screwing with him, "Bullshit that's scientifically impossible."
"No, seriously, it's true!" Argues the second man. "Watch I'll prove it to you!" and without waiting for a response the man walks over to the window and jumps.
Thinking he had just killed himself the first man runs to the window only to see the second man pop back in before he can even reach it. Staring in total surprise, the man can't believe what he'd just seen. "No way, do it again.!"
The second man jumps back out the window and the first man walks to it and watches as he stops just before hitting the ground, and like being pushed be a rush of air, flies back up and into the window.
"That looks amazing! I have to try it!" The second man moves over and the first jumps out the window. He feels amazing as he's free falling, completely sure he's going to pop back up before the fatal landing. Then he splatters everywhere when he hits the ground.
The bartender looks over at the second man chuckling to himself as he walks back to the bar, "You know Superman, you're a real prick when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mm7bt/long_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_on_the_30th_floor/
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I dont trust atoms...

I heard they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mm6vy/i_dont_trust_atoms/
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What's the difference between a naked white woman and a naked black woman

One is on the cover of playboy while the other is on the cover of national geographic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mm62u/whats_the_difference_between_a_naked_white_woman/
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Knock Knock

Who's there?
To.
To who?
No. To whom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mm599/knock_knock/
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Two guys walk into a bar

You'd think one of them would have seen it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mm448/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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What does a noodle say after praying?

Ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mm089/what_does_a_noodle_say_after_praying/
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What do wives and shingles have in common?

if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mlwfo/what_do_wives_and_shingles_have_in_common/
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What did the one strawberry say to the other?

If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mlvx4/what_did_the_one_strawberry_say_to_the_other/
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Farming isn't for everyone..

But hay, it's in my jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mlt8g/farming_isnt_for_everyone/
%
Working in a mirror factory

is something I can totally see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mlsc1/working_in_a_mirror_factory/
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7..

His response was "I still love Vista, baby!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mlokq/arnold_schwarzenegger_was_asked_if_he_wanted_to/
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I just realized that I have lost my mood ring...

Not sure how I feel about this...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mlnmy/i_just_realized_that_i_have_lost_my_mood_ring/
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Why don't Jehovah's Witnesses celebrate Halloween?

Because they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mllv9/why_dont_jehovahs_witnesses_celebrate_halloween/
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A man robbed me of all my milk, cream, cheese, and butter.

How dairy..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mljrm/a_man_robbed_me_of_all_my_milk_cream_cheese_and/
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My friend lost his virginity to his teacher when he was only 13 years old.

A pretty impressive feat, especially for someone who was homeschooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mli46/my_friend_lost_his_virginity_to_his_teacher_when/
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Ali was great but he was not the greatest...

The best boxer that ever lived was reverend Jim Jones. He killed over 900 people with one punch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mlhxx/ali_was_great_but_he_was_not_the_greatest/
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Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mlhdg/why_did_the_chicken_commit_suicide/
%
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do...

We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mlh0b/white_people_dont_shoot_each_other_in_the_streets/
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Amazon Tribe

Three explorers were exploring the Amazon jungle, an American, a Canadian, and a Chinese. They were all captured by an Amazon tribe.  The tribe chief told each of them to go gather ten of any fruit, and bring them back
The American came back with ten apples
The Canadian came back with ten cherries
The Chinese man took some time, and wasn't back yet
The chief told each of them that in order to survive, they had to shove all ten pieces of fruit up their butts, without making a sound, or they will be killed immediately. If they succeed, they can escape
The American got to his 3rd apple before screaming in pain. He was killed immediately
The Canadian got to his tenth cherry before laughing his head off. He was also killed.
In heaven, the American and the Canadian were talking. The American asked, "Why did you laugh? You could have survived!"
The Canadian said "I saw the Chinese coming back with pumpkins
(Also works with pineapple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mlg4u/amazon_tribe/
%
Making Asian food is easy...

It's a WOK in the park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mlefl/making_asian_food_is_easy/
%
What do you call a fish without any eyes?

A fsh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mldq5/what_do_you_call_a_fish_without_any_eyes/
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What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mldp6/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes?

Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mlbnz/why_is_bruce_lee_so_good_at_telling_jokes/
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Why did the angry ant fall off the toilet seat?

Because it was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ml9bp/why_did_the_angry_ant_fall_off_the_toilet_seat/
%
So they made the essay optional for the new SAT test...

but isn't the SAT without the essay just the T

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ml7zl/so_they_made_the_essay_optional_for_the_new_sat/
%
Miss piggy

Did u know that when she counts Miss Piggy never gets to 70?
She gets to 69 and end up with a frog in her throat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ml51m/miss_piggy/
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What noise does a sheepdog make?

Baaaaa...rk
(Obviously this joke needs to be said out loud to work, but I made it up because of my roomates sheepadoodle and thought it was hilarious so I figured I'd test my luck on reddit)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ml2mx/what_noise_does_a_sheepdog_make/
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What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I don't cry when I cut up the hooker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mkxuh/whats_the_difference_between_an_onion_and_a_hooker/
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I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mkvvh/im_good_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
Doc, I can't stop singing...

"Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'."
He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?" I asked.
He replied,  "It's not unusual."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mkujl/doc_i_cant_stop_singing/
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What's the difference between Batman, and a black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robin.     Ba-Dum-Tis!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mktw8/whats_the_difference_between_batman_and_a_black/
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What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation mark?

A period, since it ends his sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mkp07/what_is_a_prisoners_favorite_punctuation_mark/
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I dreamed...

I dreamed I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mko4e/i_dreamed/
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What do Trump voters use as bookmarks?

Lit matches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mkn43/what_do_trump_voters_use_as_bookmarks/
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Some cunt in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha."

I replied, "20 x 0 = 0."
That shut the fucker up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mkmqj/some_cunt_in_a_nightclub_came_up_to_me_and_said_i/
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What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits! 😂
Courtesy of the popsicle I just enjoyed. Had to share. Have a great day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mklhf/what_do_lawyers_wear_to_court/
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A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde...

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are being chased by a serial killer, they run into a barn and hide in three sacks of potatoes. The killer walks up to the first bag and shakes it. "Meow meow" goes the brunette. "Just a dumb cat." The killer thinks out loud. He goes to the second bag and shakes it. "Arf arf" goes the redhead. "Just a dumb dog." Says the killer. He goes to the third bag and shakes it.
"Potato potato!" Yells the blonde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mkiqq/a_redhead_a_brunette_and_a_blonde/
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A little girl and boy

are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mkfn0/a_little_girl_and_boy/
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[NSFW] A foreigner comes to America to find a wife...

But before he can find and marry a woman, he wants to have sexual experience, so he goes to a whore house.
He walks up to the owner and says "Me want woman."
The owner says, "do you have any money?"
"No," he replies.
"Well come back when you have money," says the owner.
So a few days later the man walks back into the whore house and says "me want woman."
The owner asks again, "do you have money?"
The man pulls out his wallet with a few hundred dollars in it.
"Okay," replies the owner, "do you have experience?"
"No," says the man.
"Follow me then," says the owner. He takes him out back and points to a hole in a tree and says "stick your dick in here and practice fucking a woman."
A bit later the man walks back into the whore house and says again "me want woman."
"Ya got money?" Asks the owner again.
"Yes," says the man.
"You got experience?" Says the owner.
"Yes," the man replies again.
"Ok then you're ready." Says the owner and he takes him upstairs to pick out a woman.
A few minutes later while the woman is undressing, the man kicks her as hard as he can.
"What the hell was that for?!" She screams.
"Me check for bees."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mk9tl/nsfw_a_foreigner_comes_to_america_to_find_a_wife/
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Two cannibals were eating a clown

One looks at the other and says "Hey does this taste funny to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mk8d7/two_cannibals_were_eating_a_clown/
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My penis

Oh, there must be a mistake...
...this post wasn't flagged as long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mk7xd/my_penis/
%
I married a dog.

My wife is a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mk688/i_married_a_dog/
%
What does the narcissistic cow say?

"Meeeeee!"
I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mk636/what_does_the_narcissistic_cow_say/
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So, this guy has a 12 inch...

...cock. He's always wanted to know what it feels like to get it all the way inside a girl, but the girls he has been with have all had shallow vaginas. So, he goes to a whore house and asks the front desk manager "I'd like your 3 best and deepest girls please." The man gives him three keys, charges him $75, and points to rooms 1, 2, and 3. Inside room 1 he finds a redhead. They start going at it - 10 inches in, and he can't go any deeper. Inside room 2 he finds a brunette. He climbs on top - 11 inches in, almost there but not quite. Inside door 3 he finds a blonde. He puts himself inside her and holy shit, he's in all the way! 12 fuckin inches! He can't believe it, finally he know what it feels like! He starts to come but just then the blonde starts foaming at the mouth. He freaks out and runs out to get help. He yells for the front desk manager "Hey man! Girl in room 3 is foaming at the mouth! I think she needs help!" The manager calmly leans back and yells for his co-worker "Hey Tom, dead girl is full again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mk5wb/so_this_guy_has_a_12_inch/
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Who's the lamest of all the X-men?

Bruce Jenner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mk5cw/whos_the_lamest_of_all_the_xmen/
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mk4qz/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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I've been debating with myself about masturbating...

On one hand it feels great...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mk4g2/ive_been_debating_with_myself_about_masturbating/
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I used to be addicted to soap...

...I'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mk1wy/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
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The EU is like a box of chocolates;

Nobody likes the Turkish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mk0dz/the_eu_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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A Women' Apology

I am sorry,
But it was Your mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mjyf7/a_women_apology/
%
There are 2 kinds of programmers

Those who understand pointers and
Segmentation fault (core dumped)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mjwgl/there_are_2_kinds_of_programmers/
%
John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.

One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool.  David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK.
Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died."
David: "Doctor, he didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mjtmp/john_and_david_were_both_patients_in_a_mental/
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So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mjqyd/so_god_creates_adam/
%
So a blind man walks into a bar..

The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?"
In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mjq38/so_a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother.  "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mjm2f/a_teenage_girl_come_home_from_school_and_asks_her/
%
she's left handed

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"  The husband said, "No sweetie."  The woman said, "I'm sure you would."  So the man said, "Okay, I would"  Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"  And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."  Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"  And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mjl5s/shes_left_handed/
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Marriage joke

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mjj87/marriage_joke/
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Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mjij2/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
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What would be the most useless superpower?

How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mjbmx/what_would_be_the_most_useless_superpower/
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Why don't chickens wear underwear?

Because their peckers are on their faces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mjawi/why_dont_chickens_wear_underwear/
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What does sex have in common with a savings account?

You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mj5l2/what_does_sex_have_in_common_with_a_savings/
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Why can't you trust 8?

cause she's a two-timin' four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mj157/why_cant_you_trust_8/
%
An 85-year old man is on a vacation at a nude resort

. As he strolls along butt naked, a gorgeous blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. She sees it and asks "Sir, did you call for me?"
"No, what do you mean?" asks the man?
"Ah, you must be new here. We have a rule here that if a woman gives a man an erection, it implies he called for her." She then takes him by his hand and they go to her room where they have mind-blowing sex. Later that day, after the man had a steam bath at a sauna, he sits on the bench and towels off. Suddenly, he lets out a loud fart. Almost instantly, a big hairy black man with an enormous cock walks over to him and asks, "Sir did you call for me?"
"No, what do you mean?" he asks
"You must be new here. We have a rule here that if you fart, it implies that you called for me" The black man spins the old man around, bends him over, and fucks him hard in the ass.
After he's done, the old man runs into the reception and demands his money back.
"What's wrong?" asks the receptionist "It's only been a couple of hours and you saw a small fraction of our resort"
The old man replies:
"Listen lady, I am 85 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mj0n6/an_85year_old_man_is_on_a_vacation_at_a_nude/
%
What are peas attracted to?

Chickpeas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mizka/what_are_peas_attracted_to/
%
What do you call a bundle of hay in a church?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mizj5/what_do_you_call_a_bundle_of_hay_in_a_church/
%
What do you call a frozen hamburger?

A ham-brrr-ger.
my 7yo claims she made it up herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4miy96/what_do_you_call_a_frozen_hamburger/
%
Voodoo Dick.

A man was going to go off on a business trip for two weeks.  Not wanting to leave his wife wanting, he decided to get something to keep her "satisfied".
He spotted an adult store and decided to check it out. Walking around the store, he saw all sorts of toys and  gadgets of pleasure. Dildos and vibrators of all shapes and sizes filled the aisles,  almost overwhelming him.
The store's clerk spotted him and asked if he was looking for anything in particular.
"Uh, I'm looking for something that can keep my wife happy for two weeks.  You know,  something special" replied the man.
"Ah,  I have just the thing. The new Bolto should do just fine.  10 inches of pure power,  it's sure to satisfy any lady",  said the clerk.
"Nah,  that's not impressive enough. I need something really unusual to pleasure her."
"How about the Rumble Rod?  My customers tell me stories of them orgasming within seconds of using this product?"
"Look, my wife and I have the best sex in the world,  and I need a product that can match that.  Surely you have something?" said the man.
After deliberating for a minute,  the clerk goes into the store room and comes out with an ornate ebony box.
"This my friend,  is the Voodoo Dick." said the clerk.
"Okay,  what's so special about it?" said the man.
"Allow me to demonstrate. 'Voodoo Dick!  The door!!!'"
Suddenly,  a massive black wooden phallus shoots out of the box and heads straight for the door,  pummelling it until it's reduced to splinters.
"And to return it to the box,  you just say 'Voodoo Dick!  The box!!! "
Immediately,  the Voodoo Dick returns to the box.
"Wow!" says the man. "I gotta get this".
"I'm sorry,  but it's not for sale", replies the clerk.
"Come on,  I need to have it.  Tell you what,  I'll pay you $50,000 for that."
"Well, I guess I can do that.  It's a deal." says the clerk.
The man,  satisfied with his purchase,  returns home to his wife.  He presents the box to her and tells her how to use it.
"You see, all you have to do to use it is to say 'Voodoo Dick', then say the location of where you want it to go. Understand?"
"Oh wow", says the wife.  "I can't wait to try it."
The next day,  the man leaves for his business trip.  After a hew hours,  the wife starts feeling horny. She decides that it's time to take out the Voodoo Dick.
After taking off her underwear,  she says "Voodoo Dick!  My pussy!!"
Immediately,  the Voodoo Dick shoots out and starts hammering her pussy.  The lady is in awe,  it's the best sensation she's ever had,  even better than sex with her husband.  She orgasms several times and decides that she's had enough. She tries to pull the Voodoo Dick out but it won't budge.
In panic,  she takes a pair of pliers and tries grabbing on to it,  but it keeps on hammering her.
Apparently,  in his excitement,  her husband had forgotten to tell her how to stop the Voodoo Dick.
Barely able to stand up,  she gets to her car and starts rushing to the hospital.  She blazes down the highway going 50 over the speed limit.  Within minutes, she spots a police car behind her and pulls over.
A policeman steps out and walks to her window. "Ma'am,  do you know how fast you were going?" he asks.
The woman,  barely able to keep her composure struggles to speak "Y-y-y-yes off-f-fficer.  You s-see,  I have this V-v-voodoo Dick in my vagina and I'm rushing to the ho-ho-hospital to get it out?
"A what you say?",  replies the officer.
"A Voodoo Dick" says the woman.
"A Voodoo Dick?!  Pfft, Voodoo Dick my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mixnx/voodoo_dick/
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What do you call a midget with epilepsy that makes pizza?

Little Seizures...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mix3x/what_do_you_call_a_midget_with_epilepsy_that/
%
A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"

The doctor says "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4miwpx/a_woman_tells_her_doctor_kiss_me/
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My favorite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mivk2/my_favorite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
%
I was leaving the golf course yesterday...

when I ran into a guy whose face was all scratched up. I was like "holy shit man your face is all bloody, are you ok?"
"Yeah, but I just blew an eagle on 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mium0/i_was_leaving_the_golf_course_yesterday/
%
A wife came home early and,

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…”
“Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mit4b/a_wife_came_home_early_and/
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If your clock strikes 13, what time is it?

time to fix your clock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4miryy/if_your_clock_strikes_13_what_time_is_it/
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An old man goes back to bed ...

And asks his wife " does the light in our bathroom turn on and off automatically ", she replies with "No why?", the old man sighs and says "well.... I'm going to buy a new fridge tomorrow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4miqpp/an_old_man_goes_back_to_bed/
%
A drunk's prayer...

A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4miofb/a_drunks_prayer/
%
My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?"

I said Cold War Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mio6o/my_friend_asked_me_if_you_could_have_any_super/
%
The neighbor's dog always made Johnny wake up at night...

All the barking made having a good night's rest difficult. It came to a point that having little sleep affected his performance at work. Once he was caught by his boss drooling on the keyboard.
Johnny went to the doctor and explained his situation.
"Here's some sleeping pills. That ought to solve your problem." said the doctor.
A couple of days passed and Johnny returned to the doctor.
"The sleeping pills work alright, but is there any other way?" asked Johnny.
"What exactly do you mean?"
"Well, it's always a struggle at night, I get scratched every once in a while. It's not easy forcing those pills into that damn dog's mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mim3f/the_neighbors_dog_always_made_johnny_wake_up_at/
%
An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise...

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4milwf/an_old_farmer_is_sitting_on_his_front_porch/
%
What does grandmas vagina taste like?

Depends..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mik5h/what_does_grandmas_vagina_taste_like/
%
What floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mifjk/what_floats_like_a_butterfly_and_stings_like_a_bee/
%
Dear Fork,

I know we haven't spoken since I ran away with Dish, but I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair.
Sincerely,
Spoon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4midyt/dear_fork/
%
A man arrived to a Duel with only a pen and a piece of paper

He proceeded to draw his weapon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4micpr/a_man_arrived_to_a_duel_with_only_a_pen_and_a/
%
So the girl walks up to her mom and asks...

"Mom why am I named leaf?"
Her mom answers, "you see, when I first held you at the hospital, a leaf flew in through a small gap in the window and gently landed on your head! It also matched your brown eyes, so it was decided."
Hearing this, the girls´ younger brother walks up to his mom and asks her, "Mom, why am I named Lion?"
"Well, Lion, when your dad and I was walking to the car after leaving the hospital with you, a dandelion came drifting in the wind! It landed directly on your forehead. There it sat until we got home, and we chose the name Lion."
All of a sudden the youngest son comes running into the room, yelling:
"HHHNNUOAOAOANANGGGGNNHHHUUUAA"
"Shut the hell up, Fridge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mibt6/so_the_girl_walks_up_to_her_mom_and_asks/
%
My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...

It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mi8h9/my_friend_took_his_grandmother_to_one_of_those/
%
I Like my women like i like my elevators....

If I push their buttons, they'll go down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mi8bz/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_elevators/
%
A newly ordained priest...

A newly ordained priest is walking down the street on his way to his assignment at a parish in the bad part of town.  On his way he sees a prostitute who says "Hey father, how about a blow job. $25."
The young priest shyly hurries along past the woman.
Further down the street another prostitute propositions him.
"Blow job, father? $25"
Again he hurries past the lady of the evening.  He eventually arrives at the parish door and is met by the Mother Superior. The old nun shows him around the church and rectory explaining where he will be living, when meals are served, and the Sunday mass schedule.  As she is about to leave the young priest to settle into his quarters, she asks if he has any questions.
Thinking about his experience on the way to the church, he asks,
"Mother Superior, what's a blow job?"
The old nun answers, "$25, same as they charge on the street."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mi5ru/a_newly_ordained_priest/
%
Why were birth rates low in 1970?

You can't get pregnant during '69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mi1j1/why_were_birth_rates_low_in_1970/
%
There are two kind of business on earth...

One is not your business, and the other is not my business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mi1gs/there_are_two_kind_of_business_on_earth/
%
TIL The queen bee has sex with up to 40 males per day.

Just like your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mi0tg/til_the_queen_bee_has_sex_with_up_to_40_males_per/
%
When standing on top of a staircase, it becomes a universal mode of transport.

Where it goes is up to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhv89/when_standing_on_top_of_a_staircase_it_becomes_a/
%
Two pilots are landing a plane.

Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.
When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhtwm/two_pilots_are_landing_a_plane/
%
Mum!! Please can you take me to the toilet?

No! I'm busy. Ask your grandmother.
Actually I'd rather ask Grandad. His hand shakes more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhttf/mum_please_can_you_take_me_to_the_toilet/
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How did you come up with your reddit username?

I made mine when I stopped giving a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhth5/how_did_you_come_up_with_your_reddit_username/
%
What do you call an alligator that wears a vest?

An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhsnh/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_that_wears_a_vest/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhrhm/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
Why couldn't the leopard play

Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhn7k/why_couldnt_the_leopard_play/
%
Little Johnny walks in on his parents haveing sex

. As soon as he walks in his dad hurries and jumps to the floor and starts looking under the bed.
Little Johnny ask "DAD,WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Dad replies "IM LOOKING FOR A DAMN RAT THAT I KEEP HEARING!!"
At that Little Johnny looks at his dad with a disturbed look on his face and say "SO ARE YOU GOING TO FUCK THE RAT TOO?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhmfi/little_johnny_walks_in_on_his_parents_haveing_sex/
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What breed will Donald Trumps dog be if he wins the election?

A Border Collie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhlhx/what_breed_will_donald_trumps_dog_be_if_he_wins/
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The winning joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhl7g/the_winning_joke/
%
"You don't know Jack Schitt!"

Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhiga/you_dont_know_jack_schitt/
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Marriage joke

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhheq/marriage_joke/
%
When I was a single man, I had an incredible amount of spare time.

Since I started listening to full albums I'm always stuck in my room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhh1g/when_i_was_a_single_man_i_had_an_incredible/
%
A guy goes to a medical store

Guy: Hey! Can I have a condom? My girlfriend has invited me over for dinner and we might do it today after such a long time.
*Store owner hands over the condom and the guy leaves*
Guy comes back after a minute.
Guy: Hey! Actually, can I have one more? The way my girlfriend's sister looks at me, I think I might be able to do it with her as well.
*Store owner hands over the condom and the guy leaves*
Guy comes back after a minute.
Guy: Hey! Gimme one more. Her mother has given me quite the horny looks sometimes. She's hot and I think she's unsatisfied with her marriage. Maybe, I'll satisfy her, eh?
*Store owner hands over the condom and the guy leaves*
That night the guy goes to his girlfriend's house. His girlfriend, girlfriend's sister and mother all three are present there.
The dinner table is set, they all sit down to eat and his girlfriend's father also arrives.
The guy puts his head down and starts chanting the prayers people do before eating.
He goes on chanting for about 15 minutes when his girlfriend finally asks, "Honey! I didn't know you were this religious."
To which the guy replies, "Oh! Yeah? I also didn't know your father owns a freakin' medical store!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhgrm/a_guy_goes_to_a_medical_store/
%
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhgks/two_police_officers_crash_their_car_into_a_tree/
%
The Perfect Son.

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhfyt/the_perfect_son/
%
An economist found himself one night in a bar standing beside a gorgeous woman.

"Would you be willing to sleep with me for $1 million?” he asked her.
She looked him over. There wasn’t much to see—but still, $1 million! She agreed to go back to his room.
“All right then, “ he said. “Would you be willing to sleep with me for $100?”
“A hundred dollars!” she shot back. “What do you think I am, a prostitute?”
“We’ve already established that. Now we’re just negotiating the price.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mhe94/an_economist_found_himself_one_night_in_a_bar/
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Whats the difference between a boy scout and a jew?

A boy scout comes home from camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mh3of/whats_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a_jew/
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They say in a group of friends, there's always one person who's probably a psychopathic killer.

There's no group now... I couldn't take that chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgyxd/they_say_in_a_group_of_friends_theres_always_one/
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Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?

Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgxpq/who_has_better_beer_rabbits_or_kangaroos/
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In 1940 Russia, a poor man with no car was late to his daughter's wedding. He hitchhiked there with an unexpected guest who drove very slowly. What did he tell his daughter?

"Sorry I'm late.  My ride was Stalin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgtxb/in_1940_russia_a_poor_man_with_no_car_was_late_to/
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So, I walk in on daughter masturbating with a carrot.

I shout, "Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgt31/so_i_walk_in_on_daughter_masturbating_with_a/
%
What the sound of a rainbow laughing?

Hue hue hue hue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgrcr/what_the_sound_of_a_rainbow_laughing/
%
What does an egg say when it gets punched in the stomach?

Oeuf!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgqxz/what_does_an_egg_say_when_it_gets_punched_in_the/
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How did the terminal cancer patient do in school?

He passed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgqlx/how_did_the_terminal_cancer_patient_do_in_school/
%
People always get disgusted when I say I slept with my teacher...

I think it's because I was home schooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgn99/people_always_get_disgusted_when_i_say_i_slept/
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The legal system is like bleach,

Works perfectly for whites, but not with colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgkel/the_legal_system_is_like_bleach/
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Maybe that's why it's called a glove box

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
The moral of this story - always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgjpo/maybe_thats_why_its_called_a_glove_box/
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Dogs were the first social justice warriors

They hate mailmen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgj9o/dogs_were_the_first_social_justice_warriors/
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So I hear there is going to be a sequel to Lawrence of Arabia

It's going to be called Lawrence of Two Rabias.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgez1/so_i_hear_there_is_going_to_be_a_sequel_to/
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How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgeha/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
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Apple wanted to make a smaller ipod just for kids...

But they decided that Itouch Kids wouldn't be an appropriate name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgc6r/apple_wanted_to_make_a_smaller_ipod_just_for_kids/
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Two nuns are driving down the road when a demon jumps on to the bonnet.

One nun says to the other ''show him your cross'', so the other one winds down the window and shouts ''get the fuck off my car asshole!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mg9q5/two_nuns_are_driving_down_the_road_when_a_demon/
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Women age like fine wine...

In my basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mg8sj/women_age_like_fine_wine/
%
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my benefits...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And that's how the fight started...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mg8nh/after_retiring_i_went_to_the_social_security/
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How long is a 0 or 1?

Just a little bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mg8bx/how_long_is_a_0_or_1/
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A man falls in love with a nun and they run away together...

The church says it doesn’t mind, as long as he doesn’t get into the habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mg7k1/a_man_falls_in_love_with_a_nun_and_they_run_away/
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Why do so many /r/thedonald users work in movie theaters?

Because they're great at projecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mg6k8/why_do_so_many_rthedonald_users_work_in_movie/
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Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car and get pulled over...

Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replied.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "GREAT! Now I'm Lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk.  He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mg5wy/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car_and/
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Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mg4y1/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_constipated/
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Political advice

A politician, Fred, is beaten in an election, and meets with the winner as part of the transition.  “Bob, you beat me fair and square; the people have spoken.  But in my tenure, I’ve learned a few things I offer to you now”.  Fred produces 3 envelopes. “These envelopes are labeled #1, #2 and #3.  Each time you encounter a crisis while in office, open the envelopes in order.”
Bob forgets the discussion, but a little while later, a major crisis occurs.  He opens envelope #1 and it says “Blame your predecessor”.  Bob proceeds to blame Fred for the situation, which satisfies the electorate.
A few years later, a new crisis erupts, and Bob seeks out the next message from Fred. “Blame yourself and promise it will never happen again”.  It takes a little longer, but the second crisis abates.
Then the third crisis hits, which is worse than the other two combined.  Bob rushes to read the last piece of advice.  The note begins: “Prepare 3 envelopes…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mg46p/political_advice/
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Son asks "Dad, do you die if you lose your head?"

Dad responds "That is a no-brainer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mg3i2/son_asks_dad_do_you_die_if_you_lose_your_head/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mg1pt/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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The birds, the bees and little Johnny

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mg08p/the_birds_the_bees_and_little_johnny/
%
Have you heard about the invention of the white board

It's remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mfxza/have_you_heard_about_the_invention_of_the_white/
%
A doctor falls madly in love.... [NSFW]

A doctor falls madly in love with one of his patients and ends up having sex with her. It was the best sex he had ever had in his life and he could not stop thinking about her.
One voice in his head says, "It's ok, it happens to some doctors".
To which another voice replies, "You SICK FUCK!! You're a veterinarian!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mfx53/a_doctor_falls_madly_in_love_nsfw/
%
Two Jewish friends are walking down the street...

Ben & Adam are walking down the street & notice a large billboard outside a church that reads "Convert to Catholicism & make $50!" Ben ponders & asks Adam if he should go in. Adam tells he should go for it and that he'll wait for him outside.
5 minutes later, Ben comes back outside. Adam asks him "So how was it like inside, man?" Ben replies "I'm not sure. I walked in. A priest threw holy water on me. Then he told me I was Catholic." Adam then asks him "So did they give you the $50?" Ben takes a look at him & asks "Is money the only thing you Jews think about?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mfx4x/two_jewish_friends_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
I once met a girl with twelve boobs.

Sounds fake, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mfu2a/i_once_met_a_girl_with_twelve_boobs/
%
Why did the hillbilly cross the road?

Because he couldn't get his dick out the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mftbz/why_did_the_hillbilly_cross_the_road/
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How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mfri7/how_much_cocaine_can_charlie_sheen_do/
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At what point...

At what point does CPR become necrophilia?
Heh.
Heh.
When you're both stiff.
First post here :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mfpph/at_what_point/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mfnr4/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
Why can't a bike stand on its own?

Because it's two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mfn3o/why_cant_a_bike_stand_on_its_own/
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A man walks up to a prostitute and propositions her for sex...

She says to the man: "Sorry, but I'm clothed for the day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mfkk3/a_man_walks_up_to_a_prostitute_and_propositions/
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Johnny wanted to have sex....

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mfjzp/johnny_wanted_to_have_sex/
%
Did you hear about this CRAZY experiment done by SCIENTISTS?

A man suffered from headaches, he went in for treatment.
Scientists removed the right half of his brain, and asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."
Then they removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The main counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."
The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.
The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mfixw/did_you_hear_about_this_crazy_experiment_done_by/
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What do Asian people use as blindfolds?

Shoe laces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mfgqf/what_do_asian_people_use_as_blindfolds/
%
A fat man complained to a doctor that obesity runs in the family

The doctor replied: It's not obesity that runs in the family, it's that no one runs in your family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mffui/a_fat_man_complained_to_a_doctor_that_obesity/
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A bartender is working the bar one night when...

...a homeless man runs inside the bar demanding, "Gimme a toothpick!"
The bartender shrugs and gives the guy a toothpick. The homeless man runs back outside.
Not ten seconds later another homeless man runs into the bar demanding, "Gimme a toothpick!"
The bartender gives him a toothpick. The homeless man runs back outside.
Five seconds later another homeless man runs inside and demands, "Gimme a straw!"
The bartender, curious, asks, "Why'd the first two guys ask for toothpicks but you want a straw?"
"Because," the homeless informs him, "some guy puked on the sidewalk, but all the big chunks are gone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mfepk/a_bartender_is_working_the_bar_one_night_when/
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Had an idea for a Scrabble like game where you can only use racial slurs as words.

The object is to see who can out trump who.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mf93z/had_an_idea_for_a_scrabble_like_game_where_you/
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I'm upset. I'm two years into engineering school and...

I haven't even started learning how to drive a train

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mf4dk/im_upset_im_two_years_into_engineering_school_and/
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What did the Soviet man have to say about the Nazis?

U SS R the worst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mf46x/what_did_the_soviet_man_have_to_say_about_the/
%
What's a blind man doing on a boat?

Waiting for a bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mezu1/whats_a_blind_man_doing_on_a_boat/
%
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick.

I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mez2n/hung_chow_calls_in_to_work_and_says_hey_boss_i/
%
Guy says, "damn, there should be a law against having sex this good!"

The girl said nothing, for the drugs had left her unconscious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mevfu/guy_says_damn_there_should_be_a_law_against/
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When my mom asked me to sponsor her Run for The Cure, I was surprised.

I'd thought The Cure had done quite well for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4meszh/when_my_mom_asked_me_to_sponsor_her_run_for_the/
%
Quitting smoking is easy.

I've done it three times now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mesdd/quitting_smoking_is_easy/
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I like my beer how I like my violence..

Domestic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4meq2w/i_like_my_beer_how_i_like_my_violence/
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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "If you can make the horse laugh, you get free drinks for the night". He went up to the bartender and asked "So I'll get free drinks if I make a horse laugh?"  "Yes sir!" The bartender replied. "Where's the horse?", the man asks. The bartender says "Follow me." They go to a door in the back, leading to an alley. He opens the door where he finds a horse.  The man whispers into the horses hear. To the bartenders surprise, the horse laughs. The man gets his free drinks for the night and left a few hours later. The next night, he walks into the same bar. There is a sign that says "If you can make the horse cry." He walks up to the bartender again and asks "Still not a hoax?" "No sir, no hoax.",  says the bartender. The bartender leads him back to the same door, to the same alley, with the same horse in it. The bartender leaves the man and the horse for about a minute and the man walks back in, and the bartender sees the horse crying. The walk Mack to the front of the bar where the man is enjoying his free drinks. Still amazed, the bartender asked "So how did you do it? How did you make the horse laugh and then cry?" The man replied "Well, yesterday I told the horse I had a bigger penis than him. Today, I showed him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4memaj/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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My cat told me he's old enough to move out on his own now

but then he said nah I'm just kitten

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mejjm/my_cat_told_me_hes_old_enough_to_move_out_on_his/
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breath out of that tiny thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mejiw/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
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Why is Batman so jealous of Superman?

Because he has 3 dead parents and Bruce only has 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mejir/why_is_batman_so_jealous_of_superman/
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I have a phobia of over engineered buildings...

It's a complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mef0d/i_have_a_phobia_of_over_engineered_buildings/
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Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

They won't stop to ask for directions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4meesm/why_does_it_take_1_million_sperm_to_fertilize_one/
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I just swallowed a whole box of scrabble pieces...

My next shit could spell disaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mecvo/i_just_swallowed_a_whole_box_of_scrabble_pieces/
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How does ISIS cool down in the summer time?

In a blow up pool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mec0d/how_does_isis_cool_down_in_the_summer_time/
%
I sleep better naked and it's more comfortable

WHY CAN'T THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNDERSTAND THIS?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mearv/i_sleep_better_naked_and_its_more_comfortable/
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My wife found me in the kitchen in the middle of the night, naked, with a pot on my head and a gun in my hand...

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.
"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.
She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"
I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.
"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.
She laughed.
I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
All in all, a good night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4me9zs/my_wife_found_me_in_the_kitchen_in_the_middle_of/
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I mowed the lawn today, and after

doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4me94z/i_mowed_the_lawn_today_and_after/
%
A couple took their young son

for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. While his father was gone buying popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, not that at the other end."
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda.
While she was gone the boy repeated his questions.
"That's the elephant's trunk, son," he replied.
"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end, down underneath the elephant's tail."
The father took a good look, "Oh. That's the elephant's penis."
"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man took a deep breath, smiled and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4me7bi/a_couple_took_their_young_son/
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[Dirty] What do you call a tear in the American flag?

An old glory hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4me61i/dirty_what_do_you_call_a_tear_in_the_american_flag/
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What do Crocs and getting a bj by a dude have in common?

They both feel fantastic till you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4me5mv/what_do_crocs_and_getting_a_bj_by_a_dude_have_in/
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Breastfeeding a Baby

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when a gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, drink it or... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4me5i7/breastfeeding_a_baby/
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What's the difference between falling 2 ft and 200 ft?

200 ft: Aaaaaaaaa, bump
2 ft: Bump, aaaaaaaaa
(Yes, it's an old, really old joke. Surprisingly haven't seen it here, yet.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4me34p/whats_the_difference_between_falling_2_ft_and_200/
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I just bought a used time machine on craigslist.

They sure don't make them like they're going to anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdwwc/i_just_bought_a_used_time_machine_on_craigslist/
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Cop Humour

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdt5f/cop_humour/
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A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm

.
Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"
Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".
Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"
Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"
Manager: "No sir it’s a different cow every time."
Man looks back to wife: "You see!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdsri/a_bull_was_deployed_for_servicing_the_cows_on_a/
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because, If they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mds3n/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
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What's the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine?

A Porcupine has the pricks on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdoxj/whats_the_difference_between_a_porsche_and_a/
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An old German man goes to confession one Sunday

. He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the Nazis in return for sexual favours". The Priest, while surprised, says "It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman despite the immoral exchange". "I understand that father" the old man says "But, do you think I should tell her the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdop5/an_old_german_man_goes_to_confession_one_sunday/
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Your Turn

Out of prison. As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?"
"Yeah," the guy replied.
"How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"
"Partly." She said.
"But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdoi3/your_turn/
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A man takes his new girlfriend golfing...

She had never been before so he wanted to take her out for her very first time and impress her with how good he is.
They get to the course and he says "hang on I gotta run into the clubhouse and pay for our round."
He goes in and pays and while he's at the counter, picks up a sleeve (3 pack) of good golf balls, and puts them in his pocket.
When he walks out of the clubhouse, he sees her staring at the bulge in his pants.
He says "oh, those are just my golf balls."
She replies with "is that something like Tennis Elbow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdnod/a_man_takes_his_new_girlfriend_golfing/
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, "I’d calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed.
When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"‘What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear…!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdn8l/two_aliens_landed_in_the_arizona_desert_near_a/
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How did Caitlyn Jenner and Kanye West settle an argument?

They went outside and exchanged blows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdml7/how_did_caitlyn_jenner_and_kanye_west_settle_an/
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I spent £96 on eBay today to buy a cheese grater once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein.

It was the grater of two evils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdmbq/i_spent_96_on_ebay_today_to_buy_a_cheese_grater/
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A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdm5a/a_new_study_shows_that_unvaccinated_children_are/
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What is that smell?

The police were called to a hotel to investigate a bad smell coming from one of the rooms.  The manager meets the cop and escorts them to the offending room.
'Officer, there's a terrible smell coming from this room; the occupants were newly weds who stressed their need to not be disturbed when they rented the room for a week.  It's been six days and house cleaning noticed a foul aroma coming from the room, like a roadkill smell but worse.'
The cop waited patiently while the manager unlocked the room.  Lo and behold, the couple has died during sex.  And the woman was wearing the largest strap-on dildo either of them has ever seen.
"Holy shit''.  The hotel manager nearly falls over himself at the sight of it.
'I figured they'd go at it like crazy but...just wow, that thing is HUGE'
Unperturbed, the officer walks over to the bed, taking note of a small mirror on the night stand; the white smudges on it are, most likely cocaine.  The cop scribbles in his notepad and calls it in.
The hotel manager sighs.
'Guess they wanted to make it memorable, which one do you think got to heaven first?'
'Definitely, the groom; his shit's already packed.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdkna/what_is_that_smell/
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Why was the NSA computer programmer late for work?

Because he got Snowden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdkls/why_was_the_nsa_computer_programmer_late_for_work/
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Congress Gets Kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdidk/congress_gets_kidnapped/
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What's the difference between a Redditor, Marilyn Monroe, Melania Trump, and Lee Harvey Oswald?

One's a jerk who jacks off, one jerked off Jack, one jacks off a jerk, and one's a jerk who offed Jack .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdi19/whats_the_difference_between_a_redditor_marilyn/
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We sell everything - longish

A man is walking down the street and he comes up to a store with a sign in the window that says "We sell everything!"
The man walks inside and approaches the customer service desk.
"How can I help you?" The woman behind the counter asks?
"You can't sell everything. It's impossible" the man says
"Sir, I assure you. We sell everything. If it was made, we sell it" She replies
"I would like a pair of glass pants, then" the man says
The woman laughs "Sir, those do not exist, so we don't sell them"
"I'll be back tomorrow and I will show you that glass pants do exist!" the man says and leaves.
The man comes back in the next day wearing a pair of glass pants, walks up to the woman.
"See? Glass pants really do exist!" the man says, hands on his hips.
"Sir," the woman said. "yesterday, I thought you were crazy when you asked for glass pants. But now I see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdh3y/we_sell_everything_longish/
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Why do midgets make bad parents?

They struggle to put food on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdgn5/why_do_midgets_make_bad_parents/
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What do you call a bakery staffed entirely by men?

A pastryarchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mde96/what_do_you_call_a_bakery_staffed_entirely_by_men/
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Three women get together for coffee

and the topic of conversation turns to contraception.
The first woman says: "We've used the rhythm method for years. The Holy Father approves of it and its surprisingly effective - it's only ever failed us twice."
The second woman says: "Holy Father, Shmoly Father. We don't go for all that pious claptrap. We've always used the pill. It's easy, it doesn't rob us of our pleasure and it's only ever failed us once."
The third woman says: "We've always used the plate and bucket method. My husband and I met in the army and it was hard to get any private time with each other so we'd usually hide out in a closet somewhere. My
husband, being shorter than me, would have to stand on a bucket. When I'd see his eyes get as big and round as plates I'd kick the bucket out from under him. It's never failed us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mddop/three_women_get_together_for_coffee/
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"Captain, have you ever made love at sea?"

"No son, but I've been blown ashore many a time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mddav/captain_have_you_ever_made_love_at_sea/
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Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdc9l/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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Words Ending With OR

A teacher asks a class to name a living object that eats things ending in OR.
First little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good," replies the teacher.
Second little boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, very good," replies the teacher.
Little Johnny then says, "vibrator, Miss."
Teacher replies, "That's a big word but it doesn't actually eat anything does it?"
Little Johnny then says, "Well, my sister has a big one and she says it eat batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdb27/words_ending_with_or/
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A guy is driving happily along in his car with

his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"
"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat broad in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4md9x3/a_guy_is_driving_happily_along_in_his_car_with/
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What did the bad soccer announcer get in his stocking?

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4md9vr/what_did_the_bad_soccer_announcer_get_in_his/
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what's it called when you're secretly a norse god?

you're low key loki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4md9da/whats_it_called_when_youre_secretly_a_norse_god/
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A man dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter welcomes him and shows him many many clocks.
"There is a clock for every person on the Earth" says St. Peter "The hand moves a bit if the person lies. We even have all the politicians here. Obama, Bush and Trump."
"And where is Hilary Clinton's clock?" Asks the man.
Peter answers: "It's in my office, I use it as a fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4md5lg/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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What's long, hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber, you pervert!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4md4vd/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
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Two condoms are walking down the street when they pass a gay bar...

One turns to the other and asks, "Hey man, wanna go get shit faced?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4md29u/two_condoms_are_walking_down_the_street_when_they/
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I like my women like a like my coffee...

With absolutely no pubic hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4md1hn/i_like_my_women_like_a_like_my_coffee/
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What do ducks smoke

Quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4md02f/what_do_ducks_smoke/
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How high are you?

Cop – How high are you?
Me – No, you are wrong. Its Hi, how are you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mcyhx/how_high_are_you/
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So, I've recently started a whiskey diet...

I've lost three days already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mcyaz/so_ive_recently_started_a_whiskey_diet/
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How can you spot the blind guy on a nude beach?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mcw1h/how_can_you_spot_the_blind_guy_on_a_nude_beach/
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What are prostitutes paid?

Loads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mcv37/what_are_prostitutes_paid/
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So batman's son got into the rap industry

.. They call him Lil' Wayne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mctm4/so_batmans_son_got_into_the_rap_industry/
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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". hi

Stupid fireman...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mcsag/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/
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An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night

when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mcqsj/an_old_man_and_an_old_lady_are_getting_ready_for/
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Muslim artists threw some paint bombs at a local building...

They blue it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mcqov/muslim_artists_threw_some_paint_bombs_at_a_local/
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Apple announced a breast implant that plays music...

The iTit is considered a major social break through since women have always complained that men stare at their breasts but never listen to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mcnju/apple_announced_a_breast_implant_that_plays_music/
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What do you call a concierge doctor?

An on-call-ogist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mclq6/what_do_you_call_a_concierge_doctor/
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A father and son went on a camping trip

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip.
They set-up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father : "Look up to the sky and tell me what you see?"
Son : "I see millions of stars."
Father : "And what does that tell you?"
Son : "Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets."
Father slaps the son hard and says, "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"
MORAL : Too much education can spoil or common sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mci6e/a_father_and_son_went_on_a_camping_trip/
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HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is 80 mph. On I-75 and I-85, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered 'Wussy'.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Atlanta has its own version of traffic rules. For example, Ferraris and Lamborghinis owned by sports stars go first at a four-way stop. Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go second. The trucks with the biggest tires go third. The HOV lanes are really designed just for the slow Floridians passing through who are used to hogging the left lane everywhere.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light or stop sign, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. Unless there is a police car nearby.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting. Generally, city roads other than the main streets have more potholes and bumps (usually speed bumps) than most dirt roads in the countryside.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, possums, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, furniture, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, and crows.
9. Be aware that spelling of street names may change from block to block, e.g., Clairmont, Claremont, Clairmonte.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated”.
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 75 in a 55-65 mph zone, k, e.g., you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mcaob/how_to_drive_in_atlanta/
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My girlfriend told me to roleplay as her daddy.

So I left her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mcadp/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_roleplay_as_her_daddy/
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I just got a new job at a gay magazine.

I'm a poofreader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mc6c2/i_just_got_a_new_job_at_a_gay_magazine/
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What would the Fonz eat if he was a cow?

Hayyyyyy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mc40n/what_would_the_fonz_eat_if_he_was_a_cow/
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Why did the hipsters die of dehydration?

They stayed away from the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mc0ko/why_did_the_hipsters_die_of_dehydration/
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What do you call a prostitute who likes mushrooms?

A spore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mby9f/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_who_likes_mushrooms/
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Three muslim women...

Three muslim women are sitting together talking. One pulls out a picture of her son to show the others. 'This is a picture of my son Abdul. He would have been 18 today'. Another pulls out a picture of her son. 'This is a picture of Mohammed. He would have been 20 today'. The third one says with a tear in her eye, 'Yes, they blow up so quickly these days...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mbwc1/three_muslim_women/
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What do you call a monkey terrorist?

A Baboom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mbw99/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_terrorist/
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Two men and a Bar

A young man is heading out to a bar to try and get some action, when he arrives he finds the bar absolutely full of gorgeous women he can't believe his eyes. He heads to the front and orders a beer, sitting next to him is an older gentleman who is far from handsome, and he seems quite dumb. The young man thinks to himself that the man will never pick up anybody and that he has the whole bar to himself full of beautiful women.
So the man goes around the bar trying to pick up women but he can't, they just don't seem interested. But the older man is now swarmed with women,the women are practically fighting to be near him, he takes his pick and leaves the bar, the young man can't believe it. Defeated he leaves the bar assuming it just wasn't his day. the next day he goes to the bar and tries again, but the same old man is there again, surrounded by even more women, again he takes his pick and leaves, the young man again gets nobody to even acknowledge the young man, he leaves the bar defeated once again, everyday the young man tries for nearly a week to get a woman to notice him before he's ready to quit.
He sits down next to old man desperate for his trick on how he's leaving with a woman every day. So he asks the man "How on earth are you getting a woman every day? what is your trick?"
The old man said nothing, he just sat there licking his eyebrows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mbv0h/two_men_and_a_bar/
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When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper.

But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mbslx/when_i_was_your_age_my_mom_sent_me_to_the_store/
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How do two black boards settle their dispute?

They chalk it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mbp7p/how_do_two_black_boards_settle_their_dispute/
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My girlfriend is like the sun...

She's bright, cheerful, and she goes down every night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mblk3/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_sun/
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My dad keeps throwing erasers at me...

My dad keeps throwing erasers at me and I finally snapped, "Why dad!" he replied "the first rubber I used didn't get rid of my mistake, maybe this one will"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mbkvp/my_dad_keeps_throwing_erasers_at_me/
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Jesus sits down at the Last Supper with his disciples.

He rises and addresses them: "I'm the son of God."
"No way!" they say.
"Yahweh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mbioj/jesus_sits_down_at_the_last_supper_with_his/
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Why don't most people have classes on Saturday or Sunday?

School is for the week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mbgsp/why_dont_most_people_have_classes_on_saturday_or/
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The other day, I died and went to hell...

(Note: replace the name 'Jim' with the name of someone in the group that you're telling this joke to)
The other day Jim and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.
In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have sex with the ugliest women there, and if I'm able to finish, I'll be free to go.
I think this over, and figure how ugly could she be? And I agree to give it a try.
So Satan leads me to this little bedroom, and tells me to make myself comfortable. So I strip down to my socks and sit on the bed to wait for my partner to arrive.
Soon, I hear on a booming knock on the door, and in comes the ugliest woman in Hell. Trust me when I tell you: whatever you're picturing, this woman is infinitely worse.
Her face (if you can call it a face) was covered in oozing sores, eyes so sunken back in her head I wondered if they had fallen out, her mouth half filled with the jagged remains of teeth, and a mess of thick wirey hairs poked out from her chin. Even from across the room her breath hit me harder than the truck that sent me there in the first place.
Her body was hunched and lumpy - I honestly couldn't tell which lumps were which parts of her anatomy, even after she had removed her clothes. It was just a heap of flesh and lard that looked like it had never been washed in the hundred and fifty or so years that it looked like she'd been alive.
She walked to the bed, grunting something that I took to mean that it was time to get started.
My penis had shot back into my body like a turtle head, but I knew that my only chance of escaping an eternity of torment was to finish this deed.
So, I closed my eyes, held my breath, and with intense concentration, I was able to get half an erection, and the she-beast climbed on top.
Let me tell you, even with my eyes closed and breath held, there was no escaping the texture. The thick, pungent, sticky... stuff down there made it difficult to keep from vomiting. But I just went into a zen state, imagined it was just a congealed and rotting cheese sandwich, and after a while, I had the most unwilling orgasm of my life (or afterlife).
The thing left the room, and the devil walked in, amazed that I was able to complete the task, as many had tried, but none had yet succeeded. But he agreed to keep his end of the bargain, and led me out the door.
As we were walking toward the exit, we passed another bedroom door, and through it I saw Jim, having sex with Jennifer Lawrence.
"Whoah, Satan," I said, "What the heck? I had to have sex with that creature, but Jim gets to have sex with Jennifer Lawrence?"
"Well, sure," said Satan, "Jennifer Lawrence wants to get out of here, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mbf3l/the_other_day_i_died_and_went_to_hell/
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Four men are in a boat

trying to smoke some cigarettes, but they don't have a lighter. One man throws a cigarette over board and now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mbenk/four_men_are_in_a_boat/
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What was Spiderman's major in college?

Web Design

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mbdr4/what_was_spidermans_major_in_college/
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Why do black guys always have red eyes after sex?

Mace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mbcuy/why_do_black_guys_always_have_red_eyes_after_sex/
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I told my girlfriend that we should play trains...

All she'd have to do is sit on my face.
Then ill "Chew chew".
// not my joke //

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mb9df/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_we_should_play_trains/
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How accurate is the Bible?

100% at short range

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mb3hd/how_accurate_is_the_bible/
%
What's the difference between my neighbor and a necrophiliac?

My neighbor fucked my wife yesterday, but the necrophiliac had to wait until today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mb30p/whats_the_difference_between_my_neighbor_and_a/
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I surveyed 50 women on what hair product they used in the shower.

I never knew there was a brand called "how the hell did you get in here?!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mb2lb/i_surveyed_50_women_on_what_hair_product_they/
%
Hillary Clinton has been frequenting a new restaurant, reports say.

I guess the main appeal of it is her own private server.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4maz7m/hillary_clinton_has_been_frequenting_a_new/
%
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago...

...so far, all it's been doing is gathering dust...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4maxsh/i_bought_a_vacuum_cleaner_six_months_ago/
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What's the difference between a hooker, your girlfriend, and your wife?

When you're having sex a hooker says "are you done yet?" Your girlfriend says "you're done already?" And your wife says "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4maxfy/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_your/
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A young woman is talking to her dad...

She says, "Dad, I've met a guy." Dad beams proudly and they have a brief conversation about him. Dad asks, "So what's he do for a living?" She smiles and replies, "He's a sailor on a ship."
Dad's happy reaction goes sour and he finishes the conversation by stating flatly, "I've never liked sailors but you're my daughter and I respect your judgement but let me tell you this, If he ever wants to have sex...*the other way*...you don't have to do it." The daughter looks confused but says, "ok, dad."
A year or so later, she finishes college and comes home happily exclaiming that he proposed! Dad is still sour about that but being his only daughter, he tries to stay positive.
On their wedding day, Dad gives the same advice, "Honey, I love you and he seems like a good guy. I simply don't like Sailors. Listen, you're a grown woman. If he wants to have sex *the other way* you don't have to. Leave him and come home. We will support your choice." Again she looks confused but nods and gives him a hug.
They get married and a few years later, dad suddenly passes away. A few months after the funeral, She's talking to her sailor husband and says, "You know, my dad never liked you. He said it was because you are a sailor." The husband looks at her thoughtfully, "He never acted like it." She says, "I just want you to know...I'm ready to have sex *the other way* if you want."
The sailor looks at her and says, "And risk having kids?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mawj5/a_young_woman_is_talking_to_her_dad/
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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye

I broke up with her though, cos I'm pretty sure she was seeing someone on the side.
Credit to /u/MoreMajorSins for this awesome dad joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4maw7k/i_used_to_date_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
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Misunderstanding

A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse.
Captain: what’s that horse for?
Soldier: our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.
Captain: ah, ok.
One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the horse to his tent. When the captain done with the horse, he saw the soldier smiling outside his tent.
Captain: it’s so hard! How do you do it?
Soldier: we ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mavt7/misunderstanding/
%
My girlfriend is an English major.

She loves when my dangling modifier is between her open parentheses right before the climax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mas52/my_girlfriend_is_an_english_major/
%
A husband walks into the bedroom...

... and hands his wife 2 Advils. She says: "But honey, I don't have a headache!" ... To which he replies: "Aha, I got you! Let's have sex then!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mas1s/a_husband_walks_into_the_bedroom/
%
What do porn stars have and comedians are?

Professional Assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4maqg8/what_do_porn_stars_have_and_comedians_are/
%
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4maoti/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
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Morning Inspection at a POW camp

This joke needs an accent and some body motions for full effect. (I included them in parenthesis)
At a German POW Camp the Commanding officer inspects the prisoners each morning in a line up. One Day as he's going down the line he gets to the final three prisoners and inspects them.
The first prisoner is jerking his head side to side, and as his head goes back and forth, he makes peculiar sounds.
"Tick (head jerks left), Tock (head jerks right), Tick , Tock"
The general makes note of this behavior in his journal, nods his head, and continues to walk down the line.
He aproaches the next prisoner. As he stands in front of him, the prisoner is doing the exact same motions, with the same weird noises.
"Tick (head jerks left), Tock (head jerks right), Tick , Tock"
The general nods his head again, writes in his journal, and goes to the next prisoner.
As he looks over the last prisoner, he too is making weird noises and movements.
"Tic (head jerks left), Tic (head Jerks Left), Tic (head jerks left)."
The commanding officer scowls as he looks at the POW. He grabs him by the throat and says,
"Ah, a stubborn one? No worries, we have ways of making you tock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4manhu/morning_inspection_at_a_pow_camp/
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Two muffins are sitting in an oven.

One muffin turns to the other and says, "Man it's hot in here"
The other muffin turns and screams" Holy fuck a talking muffin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4maibh/two_muffins_are_sitting_in_an_oven/
%
What do you call Batman when he skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4magag/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_skips_church/
%
What do you call a group of brain surgeons?

A neural network.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mafm6/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_brain_surgeons/
%
I'd tell a chemestry joke

but I'm afraid I wouldn't get a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mae04/id_tell_a_chemestry_joke/
%
Atleast my crippling depression keeps me going

I'm a real self-loathivator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4madty/atleast_my_crippling_depression_keeps_me_going/
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Microsoft has developed a special version of the Halo 3 rendering engine which can run within LibreOffice Calc spreadsheets...

It's called Halo3.**ods**t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4madjf/microsoft_has_developed_a_special_version_of_the/
%
What's the difference between a hooker and a politician?

A hooker stops screwing you when you run out of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mad0r/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a/
%
What do Jedi and rapists have in common?

They both use "The Force".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mabq2/what_do_jedi_and_rapists_have_in_common/
%
Why are hot pickle buns so popular in polish women's prisons?

They're made out of dill dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ma9zt/why_are_hot_pickle_buns_so_popular_in_polish/
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A man was cleaning out the basement of the house his grandfather left him...

...when he came across an old metal oil lamp. The man starts wiping it off with his shirt when two genies emerge from the lamp.
"Holy shit!" the guy exclaims.
"We are the genies of the lamp. We have been stuck inside that lamp for decades, and you have freed us. We will grant you three wishes!" the first genie proclaims.
The man thinks. "OK, first I want ten million dollars in my bank account, and I want it legal! No crimes or anything."
The second genie claps his hands. "IT IS DONE!" He looks at the man. "Your second wish?"
"I want my garage and driveway to be full of expensive cars. Nothing worth less than $500,000!" the man says.
"Done!" says the first genie, clapping his hands together. "And for your final wish?"
The man turns red. "Listen, uh...this is going to be a bit embarrassing so can I just whisper it to you?" he asks the second genie.
"Of course," the second genie replies.
The man leans over and whispers his final wish to the second genie. The second genie motions for the other genie to follow him and they both walk out of the basement.
A minute later, a group of men in white robes bursts into the basement and grabs the man who had made the wishes. The man struggled against them, but the men tied him up, tied a rope around his neck, and pulled him up by the rafters until he was dead.
After a few minutes, two of the robed men remove their hoods and look at each other. It's the two genies. "I can understand the wish for the money and the wish for luxury cars," the second genie said, "but why the fuck did he want to be hung like a black man?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ma8bh/a_man_was_cleaning_out_the_basement_of_the_house/
%
Three men are walking through the woods, when they spot an old lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. It booms, "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50. The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says, "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says, "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says, "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says, "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still rotating his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ma4z8/three_men_are_walking_through_the_woods_when_they/
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Why should you never go down on a girl the morning after sex?

Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ma32d/why_should_you_never_go_down_on_a_girl_the/
%
What do you call a zombie Storm Trooper?

An Imperial Walker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ma2uq/what_do_you_call_a_zombie_storm_trooper/
%
A shopkeeper was dismayed...

when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!” To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!” He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ma237/a_shopkeeper_was_dismayed/
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What's worse than fighting an uphill battle?

Getting to the top and realizing it's all downhill from there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9zfp/whats_worse_than_fighting_an_uphill_battle/
%
Just once in my life...

...I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my dick is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9zby/just_once_in_my_life/
%
A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers, and...

...slaps his cock on the counter. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away, sir, this is a clock shop-- not a cock shop!" "Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9yrm/a_man_walks_into_a_watch_and_clock_store_unzips/
%
What rock group has 4 men that do not sing?

Mt. Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9x9d/what_rock_group_has_4_men_that_do_not_sing/
%
What are pornstars paid?

Income.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9vxq/what_are_pornstars_paid/
%
My love is like a candle...

Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9vgd/my_love_is_like_a_candle/
%
So there was a monk...

This particular monk could only eat garlic for his religious diet, which made him EXTREMELY weak, and also gave him bad breath. Also, like most other monks he wore no shoes, which gave him many callouses.
This made him a "super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9uwp/so_there_was_a_monk/
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Hey girl, are you an empty refrigerator?

Because you don't have to be running

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9uqi/hey_girl_are_you_an_empty_refrigerator/
%
What is the difference between a gorilla and Michael Jackson?

One of them got shot for touching a kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9umy/what_is_the_difference_between_a_gorilla_and/
%
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor Bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9trl/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
%
When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend.

Then I saw the next two letters...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9six/when_i_noticed_hi_in_the_alphabet_i_thought/
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How many sound technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One....Two...One, Two...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9rzf/how_many_sound_technicians_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
Soda Can

Yesterday someone hit my head with a soda can,
luckily it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9qrc/soda_can/
%
Marine Biologists

A team of marine biologists accidentally catch a porpoise in one of their nets. They about to let it go, when they notice it has feet! They study it and perform tests, and are now ready to release it. One of the biologists asks, "Why don't we cut its feet off?" To which the other replies, "That would defeat the porpoise!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9psx/marine_biologists/
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Why are you late?

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9oyk/why_are_you_late/
%
Did you hear about the man with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9jx2/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_five_penises/
%
A teenage girl talking on the phone..

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9ix4/a_teenage_girl_talking_on_the_phone/
%
The blind man

What did the blind man say as he walked through the fish market?
"Good morning, ladies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9h0o/the_blind_man/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9gu7/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Not the top shelf

So, the story goes that my (admittedly funny) ex boyfriend met a very attractive lady back in 1992 who worked at a large amusement park, as a stall holder of the type with the guns and the targets and the huge adult size cuddly bears on the top prize shelf. You know the kind, right?
However she was a summer temp and had temporarily rented a posh caravan close by, and when they met they had a great attraction due to his whacky sense of humour.
So, they get down to business and all he can see is fluffy toys and cuddly animals lining the caravan shelves etc. Anyway, he tries not to be put off and gives it his best go.
He really wanted the please the lovely lady but wasn't confident about his performance, but he couldn't help but ask during pillow talk how her experience was.
She kissed him on the cheek and with a grin told him "You can pick anything from the bottom shelf"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9die/not_the_top_shelf/
%
I wanted to tell you all about a color I made up.....

but, as it turns out, it was just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9d88/i_wanted_to_tell_you_all_about_a_color_i_made_up/
%
The Convent Girl

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.
After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"
"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9b40/the_convent_girl/
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Whatever you do, always give 100%.

Unless you are donating blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9aqj/whatever_you_do_always_give_100/
%
I'm hosting a benefit for people who struggle, to reach orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9a7r/im_hosting_a_benefit_for_people_who_struggle_to/
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Three statisticians go out hunting together...

After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and ends up shooting too far to the left of the rabbit. The second aims, misses, and shoots too far to the right. The third shouts out "We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m99j0/three_statisticians_go_out_hunting_together/
%
I just made the greatest construction-related pun of all time

Works on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m98nt/i_just_made_the_greatest_constructionrelated_pun/
%
Asked my parents if I was adopted...

They laughed and said "Of course not, why would we have chosen you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m986u/asked_my_parents_if_i_was_adopted/
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The Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. There wasn't a dry eye in the audience.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When confronted later, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist." Listening to this a Colo-Rectal surgeon fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m95j5/the_cardiologists_funeral/
%
Why was the Ethiopian baby crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9369/why_was_the_ethiopian_baby_crying/
%
"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great quote...

... but it is not the best way to tell your kid that he's adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m91lz/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure_is_a/
%
You can always tell a guy masturbates a lot, by his hands.

If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9164/you_can_always_tell_a_guy_masturbates_a_lot_by/
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What did the monkey say when he was on a winning streak?

I've banana roll lately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m90kh/what_did_the_monkey_say_when_he_was_on_a_winning/
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Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?“

Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8xar/husband_oh_the_weather_is_lovely_today_shall_we/
%
Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFO's and aliens.

Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8x0e/just_been_chatting_to_my_neighbours_teenage/
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just do it

judge: what was it you stole?
woman: a box of peaches.
judge: how many peaches in it?
5 responded the woman.
judge: you get 5 days of prison time. a day for each peach.
husband jumps out of nowhere and says: she also stole a can of peas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8whf/just_do_it/
%
I thought about being a mortician

On one hand people are dying to get into that field
but i hear its dead end job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8tq6/i_thought_about_being_a_mortician/
%
Did you hear about that religious airline?

Their prophets are soaring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8rmx/did_you_hear_about_that_religious_airline/
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The cashier at the local grocery store asked me if i wanted to donate 2$ to end world hunger, i was like HELL YEAH!

I had no idea we were this close! I'm gonna be a god damn hero!
Joke by Matt Donaher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8phi/the_cashier_at_the_local_grocery_store_asked_me/
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Why do math textbooks only ever give you one angle in a triangle?

Just cos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8oyz/why_do_math_textbooks_only_ever_give_you_one/
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How can you tell if a girl is ticklish?

Give her a couple of test tickles...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8ong/how_can_you_tell_if_a_girl_is_ticklish/
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Why you shouldn't be unfaithful.

A guy notices a hot chick giving him the eye in the supermarket.
'Do i know you?' he asks.
She says 'Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?'
He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful & says
'Were you the hooker I banged over the pool table at my buddy's party while your friend spanked me with a piece of wet celery and shoved that massive cucumber up my arse?'
She stares at him & says:
'No. I'm your daughter's teacher'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8ob1/why_you_shouldnt_be_unfaithful/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8kye/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
My hearing-impaired GF left me for a hearing-impaired man.

I should have seen the signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8j9i/my_hearingimpaired_gf_left_me_for_a/
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I sexually identify as a brick.

I'm always hard and I've only been laid once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8h01/i_sexually_identify_as_a_brick/
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What do you call a camel with no hump?

Humphrey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8f7h/what_do_you_call_a_camel_with_no_hump/
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What's black, grey, and red all over?

A gorilla with a child in the enclosure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8cry/whats_black_grey_and_red_all_over/
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Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8bo0/q_if_a_mans_signature_is_called_a_john_hancock/
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Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day

Teach a man to fish, and pretty soon the fisheries will be collapsing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8adl/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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After telling his wife he was working late at the office

...a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and Exclaimed. "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look what he did to my tits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m88y0/after_telling_his_wife_he_was_working_late_at_the/
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How do Reavers clean their spears?

They send them through the Wash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m86ed/how_do_reavers_clean_their_spears/
%
What do you call a car full of nuns?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m83xu/what_do_you_call_a_car_full_of_nuns/
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At a priest's ten year celebration service, a man is due to give a sermon...

Ten years ago a new vicar arrived at the parish. An immensely popular man, he was holding mass on the ten year anniversary, and a man from the village was due to give a sermon.
However, the time for the sermon came and there was no sign of the man. So the vicar stands up and addresses the people of the parish.
"I'm sorry everyone, there was due to be a speech but it doesn't look like it is happening, so I will give a short sermon. It has been an absolute honour and pleasure to have been your vicar the last ten years. I feel that we have all been on a wonderful spiritual journey, and I have seen you all rise from strength to strength. Why, in my first confession someone came in and said: 'Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I am cheating on my wife with prostitutes daily, I have been stealing from clients and I have been courting minors around the village...'"
At that moment the door to the church opens and a man hurries in.
"I'm so sorry that I'm late," he says. "But I'm here to give the speech now. I am here to pay homage to our priest of ten years today. In fact, when he arrived here I had the honour of having his first confession!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m8387/at_a_priests_ten_year_celebration_service_a_man/
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What did our parents do to kill boredom before the Internet ?

I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m830c/what_did_our_parents_do_to_kill_boredom_before/
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How is a penis and a paycheck the same?

Neither one is big enough to satisfy your wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m82ge/how_is_a_penis_and_a_paycheck_the_same/
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I'm fantastic in bed

I can stay asleep for 15 hours!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m82dq/im_fantastic_in_bed/
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My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.

I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7vsa/my_wrists_hurt_whenever_i_drive_to_work_with_my/
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How do you know the toothbrush was invented in the South?

Because if it were invented in the North, it'd be called the teethbrush!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7sn6/how_do_you_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
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what do you call a high Rowan Atkinson?

Baked bean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7raz/what_do_you_call_a_high_rowan_atkinson/
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Three cats are competing in a race.

There's an American cat named "One Two Three," a German cat named "Ein Zwei Drei," and a French cat named "Un Deux Trois."  The cats all swim across a lake.  The American cat finishes first, the German cat finishes second, but the French cat is nowhere to be found.
Why?
Because the un deux trois quatre cinq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7qtg/three_cats_are_competing_in_a_race/
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My girlfriend and I played footsie at the family table and I climaxed.

Turns out it was her grandma. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7qlh/my_girlfriend_and_i_played_footsie_at_the_family/
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A Florida boy was born with no eyelids...

The doctors decided to make him some eyelids using his foreskin.
He's a little cock-eyed now, but he'll be fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7phm/a_florida_boy_was_born_with_no_eyelids/
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What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?

The first row of a country concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7j3h/what_has_72_legs_and_26_teeth/
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What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?

They both have little boys' jeans half off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7iuf/what_do_michael_jackson_and_walmart_have_in_common/
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An old lady goes to buy cat food....

The person working the cash register says "I'm sorry ma'am but there has been reports of elderly people eating this stuff, we'll need to see proof of your cat."  The old lady sighs and leaves.  The next day she comes back with a box that contains her cat.  The clerk sees this and let's her purchase the cat food.
The next day the old lady comes in and says she needs some dog food.  the clerk says "I'm sorry ma'am but the same rules apply for dog food."  So she returns the next day with a box that has the worlds cutest puppy in it and the clerk sells her some dog food.
The next day she comes in with a box and sets it on the counter, the clerk looks in it and immediately vomits.  In between gagging the clerk says "What the hell ma'am why would you bring in a box of this!?" The old lady replies, "Well I wanted to buy some toilet paper and I didn't want to have to make two trips!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7idg/an_old_lady_goes_to_buy_cat_food/
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Three women went to see the OB/GYN

The Brunette came out and said, "We had sex in the missionary position, and we're going to have a boy!"
The Redhead came out and said, "We had sex in the cowgirl position, and we're having a girl!"
The Blonde started sobbing as she stood to go in.  Between sobs, she said, "Oh no!  We're having puppies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7gih/three_women_went_to_see_the_obgyn/
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What do you say to an art student with a job?

"Uhh, I would like the Quarter Pounder with Cheese"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7e51/what_do_you_say_to_an_art_student_with_a_job/
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Did you hear about the hockey game where all the players had leprosy?

There was a face off in the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7dk8/did_you_hear_about_the_hockey_game_where_all_the/
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Why did Jesus get all the ladies?

Because he was hung like this (extends arms to sides)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7cl7/why_did_jesus_get_all_the_ladies/
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Marriage is like a pack of cards...

Marriage is like a pack of cards: all you need at the start are two hearts and a diamond, but you end up wishing you had a club and a spade...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7buv/marriage_is_like_a_pack_of_cards/
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A book fell on my head the other day,

I only have my shelf to blame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m7aqp/a_book_fell_on_my_head_the_other_day/
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A man walks into a fancy bar

. The bartender says, "Sir, you cannot be in here without a tie." The man walks back to his car and finds some jumper cables, and makes a tie out of them. He walks back in to the fancy bar and gets a stern look from the bartender who says, "That will do, but please don't start anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m78aa/a_man_walks_into_a_fancy_bar/
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A guy noticed his friend was late for work...

"Where have you been?" he asked.
"To my mother-in-law's burial."
"Then why the scratches on your face?"
"She kept resisting, that old fart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m753b/a_guy_noticed_his_friend_was_late_for_work/
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What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m71t5/whats_the_difference_between_a_paycheck_and_a/
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Dermatologists hate him!

It's not because he has a great skin or anything. He's just an asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m71qg/dermatologists_hate_him/
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Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day..

Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m6z1s/give_a_man_a_fish_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
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Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, “I’ll have some H2O.”
The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.”
The second one dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m6uzn/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
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A man walks into a bar...

And slowly alcoholism tears apart his family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m6rr4/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a Jewish piano?

A cash register.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m6qfu/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_piano/
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Why don't old men like old women?

Ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m6pk0/why_dont_old_men_like_old_women/
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I recently entered a blindfolded masturbation competition...

I haven't seen the results yet so I've no idea where I came...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m6nxp/i_recently_entered_a_blindfolded_masturbation/
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Two Irish guys are fishing

. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m6kko/two_irish_guys_are_fishing/
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Unemployed people

I have some jokes about the unemployed.
Actually it doesn't matter none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m6hmu/unemployed_people/
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As a kid I was frightened of the dentist...

Because he was a Paedophile
every time I went in he'd give me a filling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m6dc0/as_a_kid_i_was_frightened_of_the_dentist/
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You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m6cyt/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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I probably should kill myself

Because I want to leave the same way I came. By my own hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m6azk/i_probably_should_kill_myself/
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The priest was walking down the street looking sad.

“What happened?” asked a parishioner.
“I am afraid someone from the parish stole my umbrella.”
“Here’s what you do. Next sermon talk about the Ten Commandments and look around when you quote ‘Thou shall not steal’ and see who bows his head in shame.”
Next week the priest walks happily down the avenue, twirling his umbrella.
The smart parishioner said, “I see my advice worked.”
“Not exactly,” said the priest. “When I reached ‘Thou shall not commit adultery,’ I remembered where I forgot it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m69vq/the_priest_was_walking_down_the_street_looking_sad/
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A joke my dad used to tell my brother and me. Long but worth it IMO.

Three men die and find themselves in a waiting room outside the gates of heaven.
An angel enters the room and says, "hey guys. We've had a really busy day. A lot of good people died today and we are almost at capacity for the day. However, if you explain how you died, maybe I can make some room for you."
The first man walks up to the angel and says, "well it all started a few weeks ago. I was having suspicions that my wife was cheating on me and I decided today would be the day I would catch her. So, I left work a few hours early, took the elevator up to my 5th story apartment and surprised my wife. She was acting really shady but after looking all over my apartment I found no one else there. My nerves were getting to me, so I went out on the balcony for a smoke, and sure as shit, there is this guy hanging from the balcony by his finger tips! Well, I start pounding away at his hands until all his fingers broke and he let go. I thought that was going to be it, but the son of a bitch landed in a bush and lived! So in a fit of rage, I grabbed my refrigerator, and threw it over the edge on top of the guy. Unfortunately, my jacket got snagged on the handle of the fridge and I went over with it. And, well, here I am."
The angel thinks for a second and replies, "well, we normally frown upon things like murder, but you did find out your wife was unfaithful and that really sucks. You can come on in."
The second man walks up to the angel and says, "well it all started when I was having a really bad day at work today. When I'm stressed, I like to blow off steam by working out. So I left work early and went home. I took the elevator up to my 6th floor apartment and went out to my balcony where I keep my weights. After lifting for about an hour, I tripped and fell over my railing. I thought I was doomed but I managed to grab onto the balcony below me. I was hanging there for a second, but I couldn't pull myself up because my arms were so smoked from working out. I thought I was saved when this guy came out, but instead of helping me up, he broke all my fingers and I fell! Luckily, I landed in a bush and survived the fall. I thought I was okay, but then out of no where, a fridge comes falling down and lands right on my face! I guess that did me in, 'cause now I'm here."
The angel thinks for a moment and says, "wow, I can't believe how bad your luck is. You can come on in."
The third man walks up to the angel and says, "well, it all started when I was hiding in a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m69p3/a_joke_my_dad_used_to_tell_my_brother_and_me_long/
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What did Luke say at Han and Leia's wedding?

May divorce be with you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m68up/what_did_luke_say_at_han_and_leias_wedding/
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What do you call bug mating?

INSEX

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m676h/what_do_you_call_bug_mating/
%
Two roommates were arguing...

About who gets to use the microwave first.
Then things started getting heated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m65nq/two_roommates_were_arguing/
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The devil's offer

One day, a number of years ago, the devil visited Hillary Clinton at her law office in Arkansas. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. One day, I might even make you President. All I require in return is that your husband's soul, your daughter's soul, and her children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
Hillary thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" she asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m6553/the_devils_offer/
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I think I want a job cleaning mirrors

It's just something I can see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m5xiq/i_think_i_want_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
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Muslim book store in New York...

A man walks in and asks if they have the latest Donald Trump book on immigration.
"Fuck off, get out and don't come back!" says the store owner.
"That's the one!" says the man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m5tku/muslim_book_store_in_new_york/
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Lets play a game r/jokes. The first person comments the first part of a pickup line, original or not. A different commenter answers.

Example.
Person 1: Are you a cornfield?
Person 2: Because I'm stalkin you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m5rs6/lets_play_a_game_rjokes_the_first_person_comments/
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Mick Jagger was awarded for his lifetime achievement in music industry for over 55 years.

He didn't have a date to the ceremony so Kate Moss, who was a huge fan of Mick, volunteered to be with him for the night. It was decided that he'll pick her up from her hotel. On the evening of the ceremony Mick didn't pick her up and went straight to the ceremony alone.
Apparently a rolling stone gathers no moss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m5n76/mick_jagger_was_awarded_for_his_lifetime/
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Procrastination is a lot like masturbation...

It's all great until you realize you're just fucking yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m5k0i/procrastination_is_a_lot_like_masturbation/
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So there's a child and a gorilla...

Well there WAS a gorilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m5g6l/so_theres_a_child_and_a_gorilla/
%
Why you shouldn't masturbate

Dad: Son, you shouldn't masturbate otherwise you'll go blind.
Son: Dad, I'm over here...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m5f91/why_you_shouldnt_masturbate/
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What do you call a plane's vagina?

A cock pit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m5eeh/what_do_you_call_a_planes_vagina/
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What's the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m5bnt/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
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If you have three tuna and take away one half, what do you have?

Two 'n' a half -OR- tuna half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m58vp/if_you_have_three_tuna_and_take_away_one_half/
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What's a sharks favorite game?

Swallow the leader.
*This joke has been brought to you by my 8 year old's math homework.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m58qj/whats_a_sharks_favorite_game/
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Two elderly couples were having dinner together

An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple's house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gents were talking, and one says, "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant that I'd highly recommend."
The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, "Uh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend suggests, "The poppy?"
"No, no, no," growls the man. "You know--the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you," the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m55au/two_elderly_couples_were_having_dinner_together/
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I finally decided what I want my wedding song to be, I hope my wife agrees. It's going to be...

"You Can't Always Get What You Want"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m5489/i_finally_decided_what_i_want_my_wedding_song_to/
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What's the difference between a campfire and a bedroom?

When things start heating up in the bedroom, the wood gets wetter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m53vi/whats_the_difference_between_a_campfire_and_a/
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What did the boy with no arms or legs get for christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened his presents yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m53o8/what_did_the_boy_with_no_arms_or_legs_get_for/
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Why did the white girl die of alkalosis?

Because she was too basic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m50e9/why_did_the_white_girl_die_of_alkalosis/
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Little Johnny...

Wakes up in the middle of the night and has to go to the bathroom.  On his way down the hall he hears a bunch of noise coming from his parents room.  His curiosity gets the best of him, and he opens the door to find his mom on all fours, with his dad behind her, just going to town.  Little Johnny's dad starts laughing, but tells Johnny to get out, close the door and go back to bed.
The next night, Little Johnny's dad wakes up in the middle of the night and hears a lot of commotion coming from Johnny's room.  He opens the door, and there's little Johnny behind his grandmother - naked on all fours.  His dad yells "Little Johnny!  What the fuck are you doing?"
"Yeah, its not so funny when its your mom, is it?"
Side note:  These are the jokes my dad told me growing up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4zw8/little_johnny/
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My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago. He comes to me this summer and he goes...

"Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don't know how to tell him he will be held back a year."
I was like, "I guess you better tell him slowly so that he will get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4zph/my_buddy_brian_had_a_kid_a_few_years_ago_he_comes/
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Remember the 7-Mile Spanking Machine?

Turns out there will also be a punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4zhp/remember_the_7mile_spanking_machine/
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Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day...

Give him a religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4z5e/give_a_man_a_fish_and_youll_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
I was painting the house with my kids yesterday.

It was fun and all, but I wasn't sure where to hide the bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4ywn/i_was_painting_the_house_with_my_kids_yesterday/
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Why did princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4wwz/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
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Why do you have to nuke siberia twice?

The first one is just to break the ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4sze/why_do_you_have_to_nuke_siberia_twice/
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What do you call ISIS after it has been completely destroyed?

WASWAS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4s6m/what_do_you_call_isis_after_it_has_been/
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A blonde goes to a doctor...

"Doctor, doctor! When I press my body, it hurts!", says the blonde
"Well, could you show me where exactly it hurts?", the doctor replied.
She then procceeds to press some spots, an "ow" with every press. The doctor then gives her a band-aid.
"What am I going to do with a single band-aid?", asks the blonde.
"Cover up the cut in your finger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4o11/a_blonde_goes_to_a_doctor/
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A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.
So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?
*Wait until your friend replies it's three stories*
Now, this guy's a real asshole and thinks he can do everything right, and anyone who doesn't do it his way is wrong. So he goes into the first story, and he sees a guy walking on stilts. He says, "That's not how you walk on stilts!" The stilts guy gets down from his stilts, goes over, slaps him in the face and says, "Hey, who's walking on stilts here, you or me?"
So the guy goes up to the second story and he sees a guy doing gymnastics. He says, "That's not how you do gymnastics!" So the gymnastics guy gets up, goes over, slaps him in the face and says "Hey! Who's doing gymnastics here, you or me?"
So the guy goes up to the third story, where he sees a guy flipping pancakes. He says, "That's not how you flip pancakes!" So the guy takes the frying pan, goes over, slaps him in the face with it and says, "Hey, who's flipping pancakes here, you or me?"
So the guy goes up to the fourth story...
*Stare meaningfully at your friend until they tell you there are only three stories*
Slap them in the face and say "Hey! Who's telling the joke here, you or me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4kah/a_joke_to_tell_your_friends_inperson/
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What's is the difference between ignorance and negligence?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4jt3/whats_is_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
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I once put a bunch of grapes in a woman's vagina....

She didn't say much, she just let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4hw3/i_once_put_a_bunch_of_grapes_in_a_womans_vagina/
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Why won't Monica Lewinsky vote for Hillary as president?

The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4g8h/why_wont_monica_lewinsky_vote_for_hillary_as/
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What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4f2e/what_did_the_boy_with_no_arms_and_no_legs_get_for/
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A woman goes to a party..

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4eei/a_woman_goes_to_a_party/
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A boy is hiding in his moms closet....

...as she cheats on his father. The boy's father comes home from work early and the man goes to hide in the closet.
The boy says to the man, "Boy, sure is dark in here." To which the man replies, "Yeah, sure is, now be quiet" trying to keep the boy from drawing attention to the closet. "Do you like my baseball glove?" Asks the boy. "Yeah, great glove. Now be quiet" replies the man. "If you think it's a great glove, you should buy it off me" says the boy. "I'm not interested in the glove, now shut up," replies the man. "How about you give me $50 for it," requests the boy. "Here's $50, now shut up," orders the man. The father leaves the house and the man is able to run out of the house.
The next day, the boy is hiding in the closet while his mom cheats on his father. His father comes home from work early and the man goes to hide in the closet. "Boy, sure is dark in here," says the boy. "Yeah, sure is, now keep quiet," demands the man. "Hey you like my bat?" asks the boy. Knowing better this time around, the man asks, "How much for the bat and for you to keep quiet?" "$150," the boy responds. The man gives the boy $150 dollars, the dad goes into the backyard, and the man is able to run out of the house.
The next day, the boy's dad comes home from work and wants to play ball with his son. The boy responds by saying that he sold his glove and bat for $200. The dad gets mad that the boy has taken advantage of his friends by selling them his glove and bat for such a high amount. He takes the boy to church to confess his sins.
The boy enters the confession booth and says, "Boy, sure is dark in here," and the priest immediately responds, "Don't you start that shit with me again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4dz4/a_boy_is_hiding_in_his_moms_closet/
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I have one alcoholic beverage and they call me an alcoholic

But when I have a Fanta, no one calls me fantastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4dtk/i_have_one_alcoholic_beverage_and_they_call_me_an/
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A blonde lady driving.

A blonde lady is driving and pulled over by a blonde cop. When the cop walks up to the car and asks for license and registration the blonde lady complains she doesn't know what a license is. The cop explains that it's something you keep in your purse, is square and has your picture on it. She looks in her purse and finds her small mirror. She sees herself in the mirror and thinks this must be her license. She hands the mirror to the blonde cop and he looks into it and sees himself. He then says "I'm sorry ma'am, I didn't know you were a cop! Have a nice day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4dlp/a_blonde_lady_driving/
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Hillary sucks

But not like Monica

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4cpb/hillary_sucks/
%
Rattlesnakes and condoms

Two things I don't fuck with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4b9x/rattlesnakes_and_condoms/
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I hate how there's virgin olive oil and there's extra virgin olive oil.

There was either a dick in it or there wasn't. There's no such thing as extra lack of penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m4949/i_hate_how_theres_virgin_olive_oil_and_theres/
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My girlfriend left me because of the way I face the toilet paper. I told her I can't help it...

That's just how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m48t2/my_girlfriend_left_me_because_of_the_way_i_face/
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A little old lady...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
the old lady said.... "well,Not everybody pays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m47qe/a_little_old_lady/
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but how the fuck did they get in there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m46qk/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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Three men get stranded on an island ...

Three men get stranded on an island.  They think they're alone but get caught by the indigenous people.  The indigenous people tell the three men that the only way they will permit the men to survive is if the men go into the woods and bring back 10 pieces of fruit.  The men say, OK that doesn't sound too bad.  They run into the woods for a while and eventually the first man comes back.  He has his arms full with apples.  He drops on the sand and says, "Here's your apples, please let me live!.  The tribes people say say that there are two parts to survival.  The man must put all 10 pieces of fruit up his bum without making any facial expressions or sounds.  The man looks horrified, but in the name of survival, he begins.  1...2... and he bursts out crying in pain.  The tribes people kill him on the spot.  A little later the second man comes running up.  He has 10 grapes in his hands, and after hearing what he must do, he begins putting them in his bum. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9... and he BURSTS out laughing. He is killed on the spot.  Now up in heaven, the first man sees the second man and goes "Hey, I was watching you, why didn't you just control yourself for a few more seconds so you could get that last grape and live?"  The second man replies "I couldn't help myself, I saw the third guy running over with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m46nj/three_men_get_stranded_on_an_island/
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A small boy got lost at a baseball game...

He went up to a police officer and said: "I've lost my dad."
"What's he like?" asked the police officer sympathetically.
The boy replied, "Beer and women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m43uw/a_small_boy_got_lost_at_a_baseball_game/
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A farmer counted 197 cows in his field...

...but when he rounded them up, he had 200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m43ey/a_farmer_counted_197_cows_in_his_field/
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I know my wife is cheating with my best friend

Her pussy tastes like his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m42ws/i_know_my_wife_is_cheating_with_my_best_friend/
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I was walking down the pier one day and saw a woman's dog fall into the water...

She started screaming in a panic as her dog couldn't swim very well and was starting to go under. Out of nowhere a little german man dived over the edge and dragged the dog out and started performing CPR on the dog. The dog came to and was fine, the woman says ''Oh my god, are you a little vet?'' the guy says ''A little vet? I'm fucking soaking!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m40ty/i_was_walking_down_the_pier_one_day_and_saw_a/
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What washes up on tiny beaches?

Microwaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m3zxg/what_washes_up_on_tiny_beaches/
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What do batman and 16 atoms of sodium have in common?

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m3zt6/what_do_batman_and_16_atoms_of_sodium_have_in/
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Two nuns were sitting on a bench in a park..

when a guy approached in a trench coat. He stopped right in front of them and exposed himself in all his natural beauty. The first nun had a stroke. The second nun was to slow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m3w01/two_nuns_were_sitting_on_a_bench_in_a_park/
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A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here
until someone does?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m3upx/a_woman_walks_into_a_drugstore_and_asks_the/
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People think being a programmer is super exciting

But sometimes it's just null and void.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m3ua1/people_think_being_a_programmer_is_super_exciting/
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I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger

And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m3u5h/i_was_wondering_why_the_frisbee_was_getting_bigger/
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A chinese kid called his mom a horse

She said don't use that tone with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m3pwa/a_chinese_kid_called_his_mom_a_horse/
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A boy goes into confession...

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."
"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"
"Oh I can't say."
"Was it Mary Jane?"
"No Father."
"Adalina Mozarelli?"
"My lips are sealed."
"How about Cindy King"
"I can never say."
"Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?"
"No."
"It has to be Tracy Cummings though!"
"Father I will never tell you."
"Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months."
"Ok, Father"
The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?"
The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m3nf1/a_boy_goes_into_confession/
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They say there is a murderer in every group

I thought it's jack, so i killed him before he could harm somebody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m3jh7/they_say_there_is_a_murderer_in_every_group/
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Can we PLEASE...

stop beating a dead gorilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m3ir6/can_we_please/
%
Things that are better left unsaid

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m3g3q/things_that_are_better_left_unsaid/
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Donald Trump dies and goes to heaven...

He soon reaches the pearly gates, and is greeted by St. Peter himself.
Donald notices a wall of clocks behind St. Peter, some of them ticking, and some are not, and asks,
"What's with all the clocks?"
St. Peter replies, "These are Lie-Clocks, every person on Earth and in Heaven has one, and they tick once every time you tell a lie. Over here we have Sylvia Brown's, which is moving once every 2 seconds. On the other hand, Mother Teresa's Lie-Clock has not moved at all, indicating that she has not told any lies."
"I understand" says Donald.
Tick! The second hand on Donald's clock moves forwards once, as he clearly doesn't know how the fuq anyone could not lie for 87 years.
Embarrassed by his clock, Donald steps away and takes a look along the wall, trying to find the clocks of people he knows.
He finds Ivanka's, Bush 41's, Megan Kelly's and others, but notices a large hole where one was ripped from the wall.
Donald asks, "What the fuq happened here?"
St. Peter comes over, tsks, and says, "Oh this? That was Hillary's, but Jesus started using it as a ceiling fan for his room after the email scandal started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m39q5/donald_trump_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Why don't Canadians have many orgies?

Too many thank-you notes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m38fa/why_dont_canadians_have_many_orgies/
%
Why don't they let gansters play Quidditch?

Cause gangsters always catch the snitch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m37ys/why_dont_they_let_gansters_play_quidditch/
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The functions were throwing a party

Sinus, cosinus and tangens were dancing like crazy. Only e^x was all alone in the corner of the room, so sinus walked to it and asked "Hey, exponential! How are you doing? Why don't you try to integrate yourself?" "I'm trying!!! But nothing happens..."
ha. ah. ah. \*cough\* _i'm a nerd :'(_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m3736/the_functions_were_throwing_a_party/
%
A gorilla walks into a bar

and says "I'd like a toddler on the rocks, please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m36l3/a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m34kx/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
I found a bug on my cat today.

So I promptly plucked it from the fur and set it on the table to smash it.
But before I could kill the bastard it turned around, looked me in the eye and cried, "Please, don't! I've worked so hard in my life to finally make a living for myself! It can't end this way, this can't be the end, let me fight another day!"
I replied, "You're so over, drama-tick," and squashed the fucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m33m5/i_found_a_bug_on_my_cat_today/
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What do you call a Mexican fighting a Catholic priest?

Alien vs. Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m323v/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_fighting_a_catholic/
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Family reunions must be really awkward in the south...

Especially when you see your exes there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m30xv/family_reunions_must_be_really_awkward_in_the/
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Why didn't the Mexican go "bow hunting" with the Native American?

He didn't Habanero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m30am/why_didnt_the_mexican_go_bow_hunting_with_the/
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's go ride our bikes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m2v9m/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Why did the blind girl fall into the well?

She couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m2or9/why_did_the_blind_girl_fall_into_the_well/
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I'm such a great chick magnet

Too bad I'm the kind that repels rather than attracts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m2ngp/im_such_a_great_chick_magnet/
%
Did you know ISIS has its own sex toy factory?

There specialise in blow up dolls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m2lkp/did_you_know_isis_has_its_own_sex_toy_factory/
%
Today we made explosives!

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”
Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m2j2m/today_we_made_explosives/
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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

'eleph ino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m2eyt/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_with_a/
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Why is the window's 10 update similar to a stalker?

.....No matter how many times you deny either, they just keep coming back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m2du6/why_is_the_windows_10_update_similar_to_a_stalker/
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My dad is a mortician

I hear people are dying to get into that field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m2d49/my_dad_is_a_mortician/
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Apparently one in three people cheat.

I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m2cdo/apparently_one_in_three_people_cheat/
%
Widowmaker and Reaper are the worst heroes in Overwatch.

All they had to do was kill ONE monkey, a Zookeeper is a better shooter than these doofs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m2b36/widowmaker_and_reaper_are_the_worst_heroes_in/
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What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead - I'll just hang around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m29rs/what_did_the_tie_say_to_the_hat/
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It all

The title says it all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m27s4/it_all/
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Texas Sheriffs Deputy Exam

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.
"That's the attitude we're looking for." said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m270e/texas_sheriffs_deputy_exam/
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Torrential rainfall? Rising floodwaters?! No escape?!! Don't worry...

I Noah guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m250i/torrential_rainfall_rising_floodwaters_no_escape/
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Last kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74
when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So ...they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers,
past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railing'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . .
"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies,
the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts.
You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m24uy/last_kiss/
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I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...

Now it has visual aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m22ts/i_created_a_presentation_on_my_computer_but_didnt/
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A kiss makes my day

Anal makes my hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1zow/a_kiss_makes_my_day/
%
I almost took part in a gangrape with some friends

Good thing I'm faster than them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1w8o/i_almost_took_part_in_a_gangrape_with_some_friends/
%
How do cows go from one town to another?

they cowmmute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1w35/how_do_cows_go_from_one_town_to_another/
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Where did Sally go when the bombs fell?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1v0r/where_did_sally_go_when_the_bombs_fell/
%
Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1uyb/fix_a_mans_computer_and_he_will_be_virusfree_for/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1tpb/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*Cough-Choke-Cough-Gag-Cough*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1qjt/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...

1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1pug/i_have_adhd_and_have_troubles_getting_to_sleep/
%
The mystery of childbirth.

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”
His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”
“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”
“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”
The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1p82/the_mystery_of_childbirth/
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I love to be tied up and dominated during sex.

However, it makes being a rapist incredibly difficult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1p04/i_love_to_be_tied_up_and_dominated_during_sex/
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New guy in big corporate

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day
of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1oy2/new_guy_in_big_corporate/
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1 out of 4 suffer from a mental illness

Does this mean that the other 3 *enjoy* it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1o5p/1_out_of_4_suffer_from_a_mental_illness/
%
Yesterday I met a pirate that wouldn't stop telling me about his age.

Aye matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1ll5/yesterday_i_met_a_pirate_that_wouldnt_stop/
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

Cause he drank coffee before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1lg3/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
I heard the kid who fell into the gorilla pit was actually trying to get the jewelry his mother dropped.

He didn't get the gold but he got the silver back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1kxa/i_heard_the_kid_who_fell_into_the_gorilla_pit_was/
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Great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer.
When asked to define “great” he said “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1kla/great_writer/
%
What`s the difference between chinese people and racism?

Racism has many faces

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1jw5/whats_the_difference_between_chinese_people_and/
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Guy having sex says "damn, there should be a law against sex this good"

To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1i7g/guy_having_sex_says_damn_there_should_be_a_law/
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My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends...

I really hope it's Todd, he's cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1ag7/my_friends_say_there_is_a_gay_guy_in_our_circle/
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In the great desert lived a band of nomads...

In the great desert lived a band of nomads.
Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard.
His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.
After leading the band for many years, Benny began to fell uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land.
He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.
When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked.
One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."
Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.
Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard.
As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up.
It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.
The council then knew the legend must be true.
Their conclusion?
"A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m13zr/in_the_great_desert_lived_a_band_of_nomads/
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What has four hairy legs and fucks my sister?

Me and my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m13e8/what_has_four_hairy_legs_and_fucks_my_sister/
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The first night

On the wedding night while in bed husband finds that his wife is a virgin:
"I am glad that you remained a virgin so we can enjoy this moment together. I want to kiss the one who took care of you and saved your virginity "
Wife gave a smirk and replied:
"Kiss my ass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m12kc/the_first_night/
%
A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying...

A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before."
So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her "Well, you're fucked now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m12bo/a_girl_with_no_arms_and_no_legs_is_sitting_on_the/
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What's the worst thing you can hear after giving Willie Nelson a bj?

I'm not Willie Nelson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m126r/whats_the_worst_thing_you_can_hear_after_giving/
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If a girl likes water...

Then she already likes 75% of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m11rh/if_a_girl_likes_water/
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Post your most offensive joke? Sure.

Whats the worst part about being a black jew? Having to sit in the back of the oven :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m11r0/post_your_most_offensive_joke_sure/
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Rattlesnakes and Condoms

...two things I don't fuck with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0yff/rattlesnakes_and_condoms/
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Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0xtc/earring/
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A Mexican, a Hawaiian and a US Army member are on a plane...

When the pilot tells them that they must shed weight or they will not have enough fuel to make it to their destination. Each member of the plane must throw one of their bags from the plane.
The Mexican grabs a box full of tacos and tosses it from the plane. A minute later a little girl on the ground starts crying. "Honey, why are you crying all of a sudden?" "I was just standing here and a box of tacos landed on my head."
The Hawaiian grabs a box of coconuts and throws it from the plane. Again, a minute later a little boy started crying. "Why are you crying so much?" "Well I was just standing here and a box of coconuts landed on my head."
The US Army member grabs a box of grenades and throws it off the plane. A minute later a little boy on the ground starts laughing hysterically. "What's so funny, Jonny?" "Daddy farted and the house blew up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0xnq/a_mexican_a_hawaiian_and_a_us_army_member_are_on/
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The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0xkn/the_woman_who_injected_her_8year_old_daughter/
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Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist?

Because they could have easily fitted in another pair of tits there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0wnk/why_is_the_part_of_a_woman_between_her_hips_and/
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Studies show "not jokes" are coming back and are likely to be funnier than ever.

Not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0wjg/studies_show_not_jokes_are_coming_back_and_are/
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Little Johnny is playing in his room..

When his mother comes in and announces that they are going to go next door to see their neighbors newborn baby.
Johnny's mother is well aware that Johnny has a VERY bad habit of saying the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate of times.
Couple that with the fact that the baby next door was born without any ears, this prompts Johnny's mother to sternly warn Johnny that if he utters a single word about the babies missing ears, she will in fact beat him into next week.
Hearing this, Johnny promises that he will not say one word about the newborn babies malady.
Off they go to the neighbors house to see the new baby.  Upon peering into the crib, little Johnny's eyes get wide and he exclaims.
"WOW!  What beautiful hair your baby has.  She is soooo beautiful."  "Why thank you Johnny." the new Mother replies.  "What a kind thing for you to say."
"And such beautiful blue eyes she has." Johnny says.  "Can she see well out of those beautiful eyes?"
"Why yes Johnny."  The proud Mother says.  "In fact she has perfect 20/20 vision."
"Well that is great!" says little Johnny "Because if she needed glasses, she'd be fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0vp8/little_johnny_is_playing_in_his_room/
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A Bacteria walks into a bar...

A bacteria walks into a bar and goes to walk into the kitchen. The bartender stops him and says, "hey, you're not allowed in there". the bacteria replies, "no, it's ok, I'm staff."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0v2t/a_bacteria_walks_into_a_bar/
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A priest, a nun and a prostitute...

approached the gates of heaven. Each must answer a single question from Saint Peter in order to gain entrance.
Saint Peter asked the priest, "Who was the first man on Earth?"
"That's easy," the priest replied. "Adam."
Then the angels sang, trumpets blew and the gates opened, allowing the priest passage into the kingdom of heaven.
Saint Peter asked the nun, "Who was the first woman on Earth?"
Amazed at her good fortune, the nun exclaimed with glee,  "I know this one! Eve!"
Then the angels sang, trumpets blew and the gates opened, allowing the nun passage into the kingdom of heaven.
Saint Peter asked the prostitute, " What were Eve's first words to Adam?"
Dejected and dumbfounded, the prostitute muttered, "Wow, that's a hard one."
Then the angels sang, trumpets blew and the gates opened...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0u5g/a_priest_a_nun_and_a_prostitute/
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What has two eyes but can't see, two wings but can't fly, and two legs but can't walk?

A dead bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0tt9/what_has_two_eyes_but_cant_see_two_wings_but_cant/
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Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0pxi/why_do_scottish_men_wear_kilts_instead_of_jeans/
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How high can Miss Piggy count?

68, because at 69 she gets a frog in her throat...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0n1t/how_high_can_miss_piggy_count/
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A doctor's drink...

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.
The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.
Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0k3l/a_doctors_drink/
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A man is at a hotel with his wife's friend when he receives a message and gets surprised.

The mistress asks: "who was it my love?". He answers scratching his head: "it was my wife, she said she is going to be late because she went to the movies with you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0gek/a_man_is_at_a_hotel_with_his_wifes_friend_when_he/
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So there's a child and a gorilla...

...well, there ***was*** a gorilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0bgy/so_theres_a_child_and_a_gorilla/
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What's Hitler's least favorite month?

Jewn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0b93/whats_hitlers_least_favorite_month/
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What do you get when you cross a Swedish tennis pro, a computer virus, and an insatiable hunger for mort flesh?

Cyborg Bjorn Borg hosting smorgasbords at the morgue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m0219/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_swedish_tennis/
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"Why your stomach is so big"..."I had a baby"

... for lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m01up/why_your_stomach_is_so_bigi_had_a_baby/
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Why did the french chef go to the police?

Escargot stolen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lzzzz/why_did_the_french_chef_go_to_the_police/
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A Pitbull and Weiner dog get into a fight.

Weiner dog rips the Pitbull into shreds. Terrified Pitbull owner says: - what kind of a dog is this? - how much did you pay for it? The Weiner owner says: -well, I paid $100 for a crocodile and $10000 for the plastic surgery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lzzie/a_pitbull_and_weiner_dog_get_into_a_fight/
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You heard about the new Jewish designed car?

It stops on a dime... & picks it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lzzdj/you_heard_about_the_new_jewish_designed_car/
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I was driving to work today...

Driving to work, I had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of me.
Seconds later, a policeman pulled me over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box.
It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told me, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, I asked what for!
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lzyed/i_was_driving_to_work_today/
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April Showers Bring May Flowers. What do May Flowers Bring?

Pilgrims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lzt1v/april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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Did you hear about the fly that sat on the toilet seat?

It got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lzm4n/did_you_hear_about_the_fly_that_sat_on_the_toilet/
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What is the easiest way for a stressed astronaut to unwind and decompress?

By opening the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lzhaw/what_is_the_easiest_way_for_a_stressed_astronaut/
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What did the comedy club proprietor say to the FedEx guy?

The jokes are ok but you need to work on your delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lzbtb/what_did_the_comedy_club_proprietor_say_to_the/
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Why does ISIS call camels "Ships of the Desert"?

Because they are full of ISIS seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lzam6/why_does_isis_call_camels_ships_of_the_desert/
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9/11 Threesome.

When twins go down on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lz8yo/911_threesome/
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Wanna hear a clean joke?

Timmy took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I forgot to capitalize Bubbles. Whoops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lz8kh/wanna_hear_a_clean_joke/
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A masked priest just threw some holy water at me...

... I think it was a blessing in disguise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lz5xc/a_masked_priest_just_threw_some_holy_water_at_me/
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My 5 y/o cousins joke :)

Him:Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To get to the stupid persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Him: It's the chicken!
I fell right into the little tackers trap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lz4pu/my_5_yo_cousins_joke/
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I had a relationship with a blind girl.It was rewarding but challenging,

It took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lz259/i_had_a_relationship_with_a_blind_girlit_was/
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Why did Bin Laden listen to Eminem?

He was an Afghani-Stan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lz0mf/why_did_bin_laden_listen_to_eminem/
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A priest is taking a cab home from church

after a long day of services. It's night and it's raining heavily. Suddenly the taxi hits a pothole. The driver mutters under his breath "Fuck!" Seconds later, they hit another pothole and the driver says "Shit!" The priest has finally had enough,
"Son, don't use these words, they anger our Good Lord. Say for instance, 'Lord help us'"
The cabbie reluctantly agrees. As they drive on, they hit a really big pothole and the entire wheel falls off! The cabbie remembering the priest's words says "Lord help us!" Suddenly, the wheel stops, rolls back, and snaps back on!
"What the fuck?" said the priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lywwf/a_priest_is_taking_a_cab_home_from_church/
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A redneck walks in to a restaurant with his wife, sister and cousin

He walks up to the host and says table for two please

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lytyy/a_redneck_walks_in_to_a_restaurant_with_his_wife/
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I recently had to bury my beloved grandmother in the local graveyard.

She should be dead by now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lytx2/i_recently_had_to_bury_my_beloved_grandmother_in/
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Why is Hellen Keller bad at driving?

Because she's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lytql/why_is_hellen_keller_bad_at_driving/
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The psychiatrists meeting...

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention.
Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lytek/the_psychiatrists_meeting/
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If you don't know a lot of creatures in Greek Mythology...

I'll give you a mini-tour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lyqhx/if_you_dont_know_a_lot_of_creatures_in_greek/
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Did you hear about the truck full of blueberries that crashed on the highway?

It caused a traffic jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lyohk/did_you_hear_about_the_truck_full_of_blueberries/
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I wanted to make a joke about quantum superpositions

But I couldn't decide on one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lynnr/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_quantum/
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______________________

I'm drawing a blank here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lymi1/_/
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I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lyk2f/i_asked_a_scottish_friend_of_mine_how_many_sexual/
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How do you make hard cider?

Put it in the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lygoo/how_do_you_make_hard_cider/
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Why do the Lanisters have such big beds?

Because they push 2 twins together to make a king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lyglm/why_do_the_lanisters_have_such_big_beds/
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What do you call a queue of boxers?

A punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lyfhq/what_do_you_call_a_queue_of_boxers/
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What's Hodor's favorite cereal?

Raisin Bran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lydis/whats_hodors_favorite_cereal/
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Why do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates?

They hate plaque buildup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lyd3x/why_do_dentists_only_want_to_be_awarded_with/
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The Jolly Green Giant is into bondage.

I guess you could call him a collared green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lycw9/the_jolly_green_giant_is_into_bondage/
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A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint.

A lizard passing by looks up at the Koala and says "hey koala! What are you doing?"
The koala looks down and says "just chilling in this tree man, smoking a joint."
The lizard asks if he can join and the koala obliges. The lizard crawls up the tree, stops next to the koala and they both proceed to smoke a couple joints.
After awhile the lizard says "I've got cottonmouth like crazy, I'm going to go get a drink."
So the lizard crawls down the tree and starts working his way towards a nearby river. Now the lizard is wicked high and as he leans down to drink some water, he falls over and lands in the river. A crocodile sees this and asks "hey lizard! You ok?"
The lizard answers " yeah dude, I just got really stoned with a koala in a tree and I can barely stay on my feet."
"Where's this koala?" The crocodile asks. "Over there in that tree," answers the lizard.
So the crocodile works his way over to the tree, looks up at the koala and says "hey koala! What are you doing?"
The koala looks down and says "fuuuuuuck dude, how much water did you drink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ly9yu/a_koala_is_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint/
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What's a homophobe's favorite drink?

fruit punch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ly8t2/whats_a_homophobes_favorite_drink/
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What is the difference between America and a yogurt?

If you leave the yogurt standing around for 200 years, it develops a culture!﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lxyws/what_is_the_difference_between_america_and_a/
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What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lxw7m/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_alcohol_and/
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Relationship Joke

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lxvz0/relationship_joke/
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I like my jokes like I like my coffee.

The same stuff seven times a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lxtno/i_like_my_jokes_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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An Iraqi officer calls all Saddam's doubles and says:

I have good and bad news. Good news is that Saddam is alive. Bad news is that he lost an arm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lxsqf/an_iraqi_officer_calls_all_saddams_doubles_and/
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How does Hitler tie his shoes?

In little Nazis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lxs3d/how_does_hitler_tie_his_shoes/
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Three men want make phone call from Hell

to remind to their relatives about its harsh conditions Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Iraqi. So they decide to go to Devil who is the boss. So the American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then an Italian made a call and the Devil made him to pay 10 Euros on fact that Italy is less developed than that of USA. LASTLY an Iraqi made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent. Both the American and Italian complain as it is not fair and the devil responded to them "The Iraqi call was a local call whereas your was an International call"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lxpfs/three_men_want_make_phone_call_from_hell/
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A man runs out of gas while driving through rural Iowa...

His cell phone dead, he walks along the highway until he finds a farmhouse. He knocks on the door, and an old farmer offers to fuel up his car after they finish dinner, which he kindly invites him to.
While enjoying his meatloaf and company of the farmer and his wife, the man looks out the window and sees a one-legged pig wriggling around in the mud like a earthworm.
"Say if you don't mind me asking," says the traveller, "what's the story behind that pig out there? Looks like he's seen better days."
The wife puts down her glass of milk, and excitedly responds, "golly, you should have seen what that pig has been through. He's a damn hero! Three years ago, the chicken coop got hit by a tornado. Well this little feller, he runs out into the storm and pulls out every single chicken before it was smashed to pieces."
Impressed, the traveller responds, "Wow, that's incredible! I take it that's how he lost his legs?"
"Now just wait til you hear this," says the farmer. "Back in July, our grain silo got hit by lightning, and it damn near went up in flames when our grandson was in there stomping down the grain. As god as my witness, this pig climbed up the ladder and pulled him out before the whole damn thing collapsed."
Fascinated, the traveller interjects "Golly! So then that must be how he lost his legs, right?"
"Nope, he came out of that unscathed," says the wife.
"Well then tell me, what the hell happened to him?!"
The old farmer casually responds, "well you don't eat a pig like that all at once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lxm9s/a_man_runs_out_of_gas_while_driving_through_rural/
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I read somewhere that only 2/11 jokes are funny.

Well, what I read was that 9/11 jokes are never funny, but I like to be positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lxkuw/i_read_somewhere_that_only_211_jokes_are_funny/
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Why do the french have so many civil wars?

Because they like to win one every now and then

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lxjbm/why_do_the_french_have_so_many_civil_wars/
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A small boy swallowed some coins...

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his mother asked how he was doing, the doctor said, "No change yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lxj1a/a_small_boy_swallowed_some_coins/
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What do you call a movie without any Jews in it?

Uncut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lxdz2/what_do_you_call_a_movie_without_any_jews_in_it/
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A Man Dies

A man dies and goes to heaven, and as he passes the gates a wall of clocks emerge. St. Peter appears, "Welcome to heaven!" he exclaims, the man still confused by the clocks asks, "What are all these clocks doing in heaven?" St. Peter explains, "These are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move one notch." The man intrigued, points and asks, "Whose clock is that?" St. Peter replies, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has not moved at all, indicating she has never told a lie." The man in amazement replies "That's incredible, now how about that one?" Once more St. Peter responds, "That is Abraham Lincoln's clock, it has only moved twice in all his life." The man pauses for a moment and then inquires, "Where is Hillary Clinton's clock?" St. Peter says, "Oh, hers is in Jesus's office, he is using that one as a fan."
Nothing against Hill just thought the joke was funny! :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lx9wc/a_man_dies/
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Two blondes talking to each other...

One asks the other, "Which one do you think is closer, Florida or the Moon?"
The other blonde says, "Well duh! You can't see Florida from here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lx8y0/two_blondes_talking_to_each_other/
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What do you call an emperor who's also a musician?

A rock-czar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lx8cy/what_do_you_call_an_emperor_whos_also_a_musician/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

I don't like coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lx6l9/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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What is the difference between a Peeping Tom and a burglar?

A burglar snatches watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lx3fg/what_is_the_difference_between_a_peeping_tom_and/
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An Italian girl named Sofia...

...got married to this guy Luca. On their wedding night, she was nervous, but her mother said, "Don't worry, he will be good to you."
So Sofia goes up to the bedroom and Luca takes off his shirt. Sofia runs downstairs and says to her mom, "Momma, Luca has a hairy chest." Her mother says, "Do not worry, go back upstairs."
Sofia goes back upstairs and Luca takes off his pants. Sofia runs downstairs and says to her mom, "Momma, Luca has hairy legs." Sofia's mom says "Do not worry, go back upstairs."
Sofia returns, and this time Luca takes off his shoes. She notices that the bottom part of his left foot is gone. Sofia runs downstairs and says to her mom, "Momma, Luca has a foot and a half." This time, Sofia's mom says, "Stay here and stir the pasta, this is a job for momma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lx1uv/an_italian_girl_named_sofia/
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So apparently a gorilla got shot at the zoo for grabbing a kid that had wandered into its enclosure..

And social media went apeshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lwwa5/so_apparently_a_gorilla_got_shot_at_the_zoo_for/
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Indian wedding

My girlfriend had to go to a wedding. I asked her whose wedding, and she told me that her friend, who is Indian, parents got divorced and now her dad is getting married for the second time. So asked her "Is it a rearranged marriage?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lwrhq/indian_wedding/
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So I broke up with my girlfriend because our signs didn't match...

...I'm a Sagittarius, and she's a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lwr94/so_i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_because_our/
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What's the difference between your wife and your work?

After 5 years, your work still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lwncj/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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In 1944 a man stops to ask a local German farmer for directions.

After receiving directions the man continues on his way and the farmer goes back to milking his cows. About 45 minutes later the man returns to the farmers property, furious he shouts "What the hell kind of directions were those! I was nearly shot by some soldiers trying to go down the road you sent me on!" The farmer looks at the man and says, I told you to make sure you turn before you get to the Third Reich.
I would like to take the time to state that I actually made this one up. Proud of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lwlxk/in_1944_a_man_stops_to_ask_a_local_german_farmer/
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Loose Church Women

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman.”
The priest sighs. “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
“Yes, Father, ’tis I.”
“And who might be the woman you were with?”
“I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Fiona Mallory, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’ Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.”
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Five more good leads!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lwlq0/loose_church_women/
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Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model...

They hired me as the "before" picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lwjen/not_to_brag_but_i_just_got_a_job_as_a_fitness/
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An Old Lady Gets Pulled Over...

... the cop walks up and asks her for her license and registration, and being the responsible citizen she says "Officer, please note I also have a concealed carry permit."
The cop, amused that this 78 year old woman is packing heat, asks "Oh? Are you carrying right now?"
"Yes sir I am, I have a .40 caliber Glock on my hip and a 9mm M&P in the door here."
Taken aback, the cop asks: "Uh, wow... anything else?!"
"Well I've got a shotgun in the trunk, a .44 magnum under my seat, and six reloads for each in the glove box."
"Jesus Christ Ma'am, what are you so afraid of?" he exclaims.
Looking him dead in the eye, she calmly states: "Not a damn thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lwdq2/an_old_lady_gets_pulled_over/
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What is a stuttering ballerinas favourite day of the week

Tu-Tu Tuesday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lw7j0/what_is_a_stuttering_ballerinas_favourite_day_of/
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I like my coffee like I like my coffee.

Coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lw15i/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lw085/schrodingers_cat_recently_went_on_a_crime_spree/
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A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.

At the end of his first day on the job his boss walked up to him and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff makes 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"$100,000," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lw063/a_keen_country_lad_applied_for_a_salesmans_job_at/
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Today my girlfriend offered to finger me

I was deeply touched.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvz7s/today_my_girlfriend_offered_to_finger_me/
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Today I had a three way with two women

It was quite the conference call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvz2z/today_i_had_a_three_way_with_two_women/
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Fucked a girl with one leg once...

Should've used my dick 😕.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvyiy/fucked_a_girl_with_one_leg_once/
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The wike asks his husband: Honey, what do you prefer? A beautiful woman or an intelligent woman?

Neither one, you know I just like you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvydy/the_wike_asks_his_husband_honey_what_do_you/
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What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

"Oh sheet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvxdv/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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When I get home from work, I like to pack myself into really small suitcases.

I can hardly contain myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvvwy/when_i_get_home_from_work_i_like_to_pack_myself/
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Did you here about the pizza place that when bankrupt?

I guess they weren't making enough dough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvujb/did_you_here_about_the_pizza_place_that_when/
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How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 because that's peasants work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvtk8/how_many_frames_per_second_does_it_take_to_screw/
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Describe yourself in one word

Bad at describing myself with one word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvrsf/describe_yourself_in_one_word/
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An emo and a leaf fall from a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

The leaf.
The emo is stopped by the rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvp9k/an_emo_and_a_leaf_fall_from_a_tree_at_the_same/
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Obama was scheduled to visit a Catholic church...

An aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington.  He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Obama a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Obama's views.  Obama's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Obama as a saint." The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Obama's aide promised, Obama appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Obama was present. The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While President Obama’s presence is probably an honor to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of his views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Barack Obama is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Barack Obama is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Barack Obama is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He is a narcissist and is using his speaking ability to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his obligations, both In Washington and in Illinois. The man is simply not to be trusted."
The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Obama is a Saint."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvock/obama_was_scheduled_to_visit_a_catholic_church/
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Why do they call it P.M.S.?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvmrb/why_do_they_call_it_pms/
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I like my women how I like my coffee..

Mugged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvlyk/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up.

I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvj7w/this_morning_i_mixed_redbull_with_coffee_to_help/
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KFC and pimps are similar.

They both sell breasts and thighs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvisv/kfc_and_pimps_are_similar/
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I'm so poor

that for Christmas my mom  cut a hole in my pants so I would have something to play with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvig1/im_so_poor/
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Stacy wanted to keep our relationship professional

That's when I knew she was a prostitute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvhrr/stacy_wanted_to_keep_our_relationship_professional/
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Zambian version of Russian Roulette

As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happened that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite.
To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game.
By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''
A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.
''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''
''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.''
''But my friend, where is the danger in this?''
Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvgxr/zambian_version_of_russian_roulette/
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So the boy said "Grandpa"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvg1n/so_the_boy_said_grandpa/
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What's a rock group with four guys that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lve1v/whats_a_rock_group_with_four_guys_that_dont_sing/
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9/10 Redditors are idiots

I'm glad to be the 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvcla/910_redditors_are_idiots/
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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lv9zk/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
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Jean Jacques discovers that his wife has been unfaithful to him.

So he does what so many betrayed frenchmen have done before him, he swears off women and joins the French Foreign Legion. He completes the basic training and is posted to a mission in north Africa. His detachment are stationed out in the desert, hunting Islamist insurgents.
After a month, he is beginning to regret his decision, so he approaches his sergeant and asks "Hey Sarge, when are we going to get some R&R?"
The sergeant looks him in the eye and says "This is the French Foreign Legion, we are the toughest soldiers in the world. We don't need R&R; but if you don't have enough self-control, I'll show you how we deal with it." And the sergeant leads him to the outskirts of the camp, where there is a flea-bitten old camel.
Jean Jacques is shocked and disgusted and suddenly feeling a bit less randy so he suppresses his urges for a while longer. After several more weeks, however, he can take it no longer.
That night he sneaks round to the camel, makes sure it is securely tied so it can't turn on him, climbs onto a wooden box, drops his trousers and fucks the camel. Feeling disgusted with himself, he skulks back to his tent.
The next day, as he's having breakfast in the mess tent, the sergeant calls out to him "Hey Jean Jacques, didn't I see you heading round to the camel last night?"
Jean Jacques is humiliated, now the whole company knows of his weakness and perversion.
The sergeant continues "How come you were so quick? It normally takes a whole day to get to the village brothel and back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lv8l5/jean_jacques_discovers_that_his_wife_has_been/
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What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lv8cj/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
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If Donald Trump becomes president...

Does that make orange the new black?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lv6uo/if_donald_trump_becomes_president/
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A priest and a businessman are playing a round of golf...

They go and tee up for the first hole, and on the very first shot the businessman sends it flying off into the woods.
And he says "Crap, I missed"
And the priest says, "Do not curse my son, or the lord's wrath shall be upon you."
The businessman grumbles and agrees and they go through the next few holes without a problem, then on the 7th hole they come to a pond. The businessman goes, lines up his shot, and sends it straight into the water.
And he says "Dammit, I missed."
And the priest shakes his head and says "I'm warning you my son, you must stop your cursing or the lord's wrath shall be upon you."
The businessman brushes him off again and for the next few holes everything is fine. Then they finally reach the very last hole, the businessman just needs to sink a 9 foot putt if he wants to win. So he goes, lines up the shot. And misses.
And he throws his putter and shouts "Shit, I missed"
Suddenly a bolt of lightning comes from the clear blue sky and fries the priest to ashes, and a great voice comes booming from the heavens and it says.
"Fuck, I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lv63b/a_priest_and_a_businessman_are_playing_a_round_of/
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Always hit women with a left hook...

...because they don't deserve any rights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4luwvp/always_hit_women_with_a_left_hook/
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There were three old men playing golf...

and they each decided to start bragging about their adult sons.
The first man says: "I'm so proud of my son, he is a very successful car salesman that owns his own lot, and gave one of his friends a brand new Porsche."
The second man says: "That's impressive, but my son is a successful real estate owner, and gave one of his friends a house on a private beach."
The third man sighs, and says to the other two: "Wow that's very impressive. I hate to say it, but at first I was very disappointed with my son because he came out as gay. Recently, he has made some very good boyfriends though: one gave him a brand new Porsche, and the other gave him a house with a private beach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4luvad/there_were_three_old_men_playing_golf/
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I went into a Apple store and farted. The manger told me to leave.

It's not my fault they had no Windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4luuyj/i_went_into_a_apple_store_and_farted_the_manger/
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I used to own a racing snail...

It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4luua7/i_used_to_own_a_racing_snail/
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What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?

Wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lut7w/what_does_an_alcoholic_do_when_he_is_out_of_beer/
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how can I live longer than 100 years?

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke?
No.
Do you eat too much?
No.
Do you go to bed late?
No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lusns/how_can_i_live_longer_than_100_years/
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Last week a flew out to the Caribbean for my honeymoom...

and as a special treat had my wife's name, Jane, tattooed on my penis. Being quite unfortunately endowed the tattooist could only fit the whole name when I was fully erect. Sadly, normally relaxed only the J and E were visible. That night, my wife and I headed to a typical Jamaican bar and danced the night away. I hit the toilets and there was this massive Jamaican at the next urinal.....drunk, curious and not knowing any black people I glanced over and noticed he had a W and a Y tattooed on his penis. 'Hey?', says I, 'look at mine. I've a J and E for Jane. Who is W and Y, is it Wendy?'. 'No, no' says the big Jamaican,'mine says "Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4luqgl/last_week_a_flew_out_to_the_caribbean_for_my/
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I saw a sign that said "watch for children"

and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4luosd/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_watch_for_children/
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Working at a Land Rover factory is so interesting

I make a new Discovery every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4luno4/working_at_a_land_rover_factory_is_so_interesting/
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My grandfather gave me some sound advice when on his deathbed...

"It's worth investing in good speakers." he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lune8/my_grandfather_gave_me_some_sound_advice_when_on/
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I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lugnn/i_was_standing_in_front_of_the_bathroom_mirror/
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I was having sex with my girlfriend when I felt a weird tap on my shoulder...

I hate having sex in the bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4luerc/i_was_having_sex_with_my_girlfriend_when_i_felt_a/
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What do Ethiopians have in common with Yoko Ono?

They both live off dead beetles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lue0w/what_do_ethiopians_have_in_common_with_yoko_ono/
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Check up time.

I've just been for my 6 month check up and everything seem to be going well until he slipped his finger in to check my prostate. I will not be using that dental practise again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lucoi/check_up_time/
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Dark humor is like kids with cancer...

Never gets old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lubc6/dark_humor_is_like_kids_with_cancer/
%
If a Norwegian robot...

If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lub63/if_a_norwegian_robot/
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What is the ultimate Jewish conflict?

Pork chops at half price

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4luajs/what_is_the_ultimate_jewish_conflict/
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(Gets pulled over)

Me: (thinking to stay calm and act a little flirty)
Cop: License and Registration please.
Me: (pressing tits together) Can't you just let me go officer! :)
Cop: Sir, step out of the vehicle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lu91p/gets_pulled_over/
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When I was born I was so surprised ...

I didn't talk for a year and a half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lu7c8/when_i_was_born_i_was_so_surprised/
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I'll have an Italian BMT on Cheddar bread with everything but lettuce. A squirt of mayo and yellow mustard too please.

Oops. Wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lu784/ill_have_an_italian_bmt_on_cheddar_bread_with/
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Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lu50u/carol_a_blonde_city_girl_marries_a_cornish_dairy/
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What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?

UCLA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lu2de/what_happens_when_the_smog_lifts_over_los_angeles/
%
Why do vegans give good head?

Because they are used to eating nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lu1vp/why_do_vegans_give_good_head/
%
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lu1a5/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Why was Cleopatra so negative?

Because she was queen of denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lty1l/why_was_cleopatra_so_negative/
%
I just left my job...

Me: I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.
Friend: What did he say?
Me: "You're fired".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ltxwb/i_just_left_my_job/
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What game is in Schrodinger's Xbox?

Dead or Alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ltubl/what_game_is_in_schrodingers_xbox/
%
What do Mexicans play at their funerals?

Another Juan Bites The Dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ltu2d/what_do_mexicans_play_at_their_funerals/
%
R.I.P boiled water. . .

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ltrp5/rip_boiled_water/
%
A guy asks a cute brunette with glasses at the library if he could sit with her

The sweet looking student responded loudly, "I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU."
All the other students at the library stare at the guy.  Some of the other women even make nasty faces at the guy.  His face turned red in embarrassment.
After about an hour, the girl walks up to the guy and says, "I'm a psych major, and I know what you were thinking.  And, you felt embarrassed, didn't you."
The guy, in a loud brash voice replies, "$200 FOR ONE NIGHT WITH YOU?  THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH."
All the students stare at the girl in shock.  The guy whispers to her, "I study Law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lto1n/a_guy_asks_a_cute_brunette_with_glasses_at_the/
%
Girls are like blackjack...

Girls are like blackjack… I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ltkni/girls_are_like_blackjack/
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Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.
Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The only thing he finds is his poisonous windshield wiper fluid. To at least have something, Jake decides to take it with him.
And then the journey begins.
So he walks...
And walks...
And walks...
Eventually, he gets too exhausted to walk, so he crawls...
And crawls...
And crawls...
And crawls...
Dehydrated from the blazing desert heat, he gives in to his reflexes and drinks the windshield wiper fluid.
It didn't help.
So he continued to crawl...
And crawl...
And crawl...
But then, as he thought he couldn't crawl anymore, he sees the strangest thing in his entire life: a snake wrapped around a large upright stick.
Bewildered, he approached the reptile.
Then, the snake speaks to Jake:
"Hello, I am Nate, Guardian of the Lever. If the lever is pulled, the entire universe, everything in it, and all life will come to an end. I was told that the next person who approaches would be the new Guardian of the Lever, and I was to grant him three wishes to reward him for accepting this noble task."
Jake processes the extreme responsibility bestowed upon him, and gladly accepts his new role. He begins with his first wish:
"First, make me healthy. I am simultaneously dying of windshield wiper poisoning and dehydration."
And Nate obeyed; with a swish of his tail, Jake was cured.
"Second, get me out of this desert. While the Lever is great, I want to go home."
Nate replies, "Before I grant your second wish, what is your third wish?"
Jake ponders this, and finally decides, "I want all of the wisdom in the entire universe. I want to understand how to be successful and live life to the fullest."
And then Nate granted both of Jake's wishes, bringing him back home with new knowledge.
With this knowledge, Jake became very wealthy. He bought a beautiful house with an amazing view, started a family, and sold an extremely successful start-up.
However, Jake knew of his responsibility, and would often go to see his good friend Nate, who still lived by the Lever because he had been there for so long.
On one of his trips to visit Nate, Jake takes a new car through the desert. After a distance, Jake sees the Lever, a cliff, and Nate. Jake decides to stop the car and reaches to brake, but he unfortunately bought his car from the wrong person, for the brakes weren't working. Jake analyzes the situation. If he keeps going straight, he'll plummet off of a cliff. If he turns left, he'll hit the Lever which will end the entire universe, everything in it, and all life. If he turns right, he'll crush his good friend Nate.
Jake knows the correct decision.
He turns right and kills his good friend Nate.
Jake then exclaims, "Better Nate than Lever!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ltju2/jake_is_driving_in_the_desert/
%
Woops Wrong Person!

"Comedy of errors :
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realizing he sent the mail to a widow who just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message she fainted. The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read: 'my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here and we are allowed to send mails to loved ones. I have just been checked in. How are you and the kids? This  place is really nice but am quite lonely here. I have made necessary arrangement for your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you darling. I can't wait to see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ltjm9/woops_wrong_person/
%
Was told to turn on the water hose

I was told to turn on the water hose.
Responded
"I don't know anything about mermaid sexuality"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ltjgc/was_told_to_turn_on_the_water_hose/
%
My dog loves chasing cars

He was ecstatic when I told him I was taking him to see Snow Patrol in concert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ltbyu/my_dog_loves_chasing_cars/
%
Canadian Protesters...

So there were some protesters at the Canadian parliament buildings yesterday. 2 of them had the great idea to scale the Peace Tower (the massive tower on the centre front) and stand on the roof. Unfortunately, the copper roof broke and one of the men fell down the tower hitting the bells on his way down, and smashed through the roof of the lobby. He died on impact. Later that day when police were investigating they were asking if anyone knew the guy. One man came forward, and said this:
"I do not know this man. But his face sure rings a bell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ltb8u/canadian_protesters/
%
I was going to tell a joke about sodium...

But then I said "Na, I'll do it later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ltaoq/i_was_going_to_tell_a_joke_about_sodium/
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A redneck broke up with his girlfriend

it wasn't all that bad, she said they could still be cousins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lt9ns/a_redneck_broke_up_with_his_girlfriend/
%
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?

They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lt8ai/have_you_heard_about_the_new_supersensitive/
%
What type of candy do you buy for...

What type of candy do you buy for a comedian?
...Snickers
What type of candy do you buy for a happy horse owner?
...Jolly Rancher
What type of candy do you buy for a rap star?
...M&Ms
What type of candy do you buy for a divorced wife with no prenup?
...100 Grand
What type of candy do you buy for hasidic wasps?
...JewJewBees
What type of candy do you buy for study group?
...Nerds
What type of candy do you buy for breast enhancement surgery?
...Mounds
...
and finally
...
What type of candy do you buy for your horny incestuous dad for fathers day?
...Blow Pops!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lt7zc/what_type_of_candy_do_you_buy_for/
%
3 nuns die and go to heaven

. They meet St. Peter at the golden gates.
St. Peter said “You each have to answer 1 question. If the answer is right you can enter heaven and if you answer wrong you go straight to hell.”
He calls the first nun and asks “Who did God make first?”
Very happily she answers “Oooh that’s an easy one. God made Adam”
Trumpets blast, the golden gates open and she walks in.
Then St. Peter calls the second nun and asks “Who did God make second?”
Very happily she answers “Oooh that’s an easy one. God made Eve”
Trumpets blast, the golden gates open and she walks in.
Then he calls the third nun and asks “What were Eve’s first words to Adam on the first night?”
Very sadly she answers “Oh that’s a hard one.”
Trumpets blast, the golden gates open and she walks in....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lt7jt/3_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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Some people say that you should let sleeping dogs lie...

But I believe that all animals should tell the truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lt5xi/some_people_say_that_you_should_let_sleeping_dogs/
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Bill Cosby likes pudding

his dick where it doesn't belong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lt5ix/bill_cosby_likes_pudding/
%
[NSFW] A newlywed couple return from their honeymoon...

Sally wants to make sure her man is treated right for his first day back to work, but unfortunately she doesn't know how to cook. Being a young couple, she never learned much from her mother and she never told her husband, but she remember he is a man and calls him into the bedroom.
She is laying there naked and pours maple syrup all over her pussy and tells him breakfast is served. He goes to town and has one hell of a start to his day. For lunch, Bill decides to come home and have a nice lunch with his new wife and when he calls ahead, Sally plays it off like it's no problem. He comes home, she calls him into the bedroom with bacon, lettuce, and tomatoes all over her body, and once again Bill goes to town.
After returning to work and the day is about to end, Sally calls Bill at the office to tell him that she is going to have a nice hot meal waiting for him when he gets home. After not really eating much throughout the day, Bill is famished and is looking forward to a nice cut of meat cooked right to perfect.
When Bill arrives at home, he walks in and sees his wife naked sliding down the hand rail on the stairs. He stops her and asks her what the hell she is doing. Sally replies, "I'm heating up dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lt107/nsfw_a_newlywed_couple_return_from_their_honeymoon/
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I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee

Without other people's dicks in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lsyl9/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_because_i_like_my/
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..

I've been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lsp5f/my_neighborhood_barber_just_got_arrested_for/
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What's the difference between a dead baby and a dead gorilla?

There aren't any dead babies at the Cincinnati Zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lsoqs/whats_the_difference_between_a_dead_baby_and_a/
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There was once a captain of a football team..

for whom English wasn't the primary language, so he was still learning to speak it from his teammates now and then.
There came a huge club championship, at the final of which the captain found his team winning towards the end of the match. So he asks a teammate to provide him with good lines to say when interviewed. He learns lines like 'Well, it was a team effort', 'Yeah, the boys contributed equally if not more', 'We all thought like one person' and 'I can't be happier with a team like this' etc.
He rehearses these lines again and again to spew them off when asked questions.
After the match win, an interviewer walks up to him and goes, "Well, I know everyone's gonna be asking you about the victory here tonight, so I'm going to ask you about another great thing that just happened to you. You are a proud father for 3 days now. How do you feel?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lsj1z/there_was_once_a_captain_of_a_football_team/
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What do you get when a vampire bites a goblin?

A Hemogoblin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lsi58/what_do_you_get_when_a_vampire_bites_a_goblin/
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A nomad is lost in the desert...

He had enough food and water, but he had been away from his wife for a *loooong* time.  Eventually the loneliness and heat started getting to him, and his camel started looking mighty fine.  The camel must have sensed something, as it bolted when the nomad made his move.
The nomad started chasing the camel, dune after dune.  He was running down a particularly steep dune he tripped over something and fell.  Backtracking, the nomad found what he had tripped over - a genie's lamp.
He rubbed the lamp and out came a beautiful genie, completely naked.  She said "I will grant you one wish, anything you want or desire, you can do *anything* you want with me".  The nomad thought for a while and made his wish:
"Hold the camel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lsg6d/a_nomad_is_lost_in_the_desert/
%
TIL the propeller on a plane is a fan to keep the pilot cool

When it stops, you can see the pilot start sweating!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lsff4/til_the_propeller_on_a_plane_is_a_fan_to_keep_the/
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Memorial Day...respectful joke. A small boy was staring at the names on the wall of an old church

when the pastor noticed him.
"What are you looking at?" asked the clergyman.
"All those names. Who are they?"  the boy asked.
The pastor nodded, and said, "They are the reason we have Memorial Day.  They are those who died in the service."
The little boy considered that, then asked quietly, "The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lscvl/memorial_dayrespectful_joke_a_small_boy_was/
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What's the highest you can fall from without dying?

Is not a question you want to hear right before your friend picks you up in a helicopter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ls9ni/whats_the_highest_you_can_fall_from_without_dying/
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I hate when girls have "taken" in their bio

like that movie wasn't even that good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ls7bc/i_hate_when_girls_have_taken_in_their_bio/
%
A bear and a rabbit are in the woods...

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods, crouching by two trees, using the restroom.
A few minutes go by in silence until the bear leans toward the rabbit.
"Hey, do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?" The bear asks
"What? No! Leave me alone I'm trying to use the restroom!" The rabbit answered, slightly bothered by the intrusion.
"Oh, ok, sorry." The bear said as he straitened up again.
A few more minutes go by in silence as they both continue their business, until the bear leans in again and asks
"Are you sure you don't have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?"
"Seriously? No, I don't have that problem, now please mind your own business!" The rabbit answered extremely annoyed now.
"Oh, ok, sorry." The bear said again.
Several minutes go by as the two sit in silence, trying to finish their business so they can go on with their day. Until the bear leans in once more.
"So, you're certain you don't have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?"
"What is wrong with you?" The rabbit answered, furious now, "For the last time, I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SHIT STICKING TO MY FUR!!"
So the bear picks up the rabbit, wipes his ass with him, and walks off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ls73m/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_in_the_woods/
%
What's the most problematic time of day?

4:04

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ls5nk/whats_the_most_problematic_time_of_day/
%
What's long, green, and smells like bacon?

Kermit's finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ls2wc/whats_long_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
%
A Man Walks Into a Bar

So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,"Hey got any specials tonight?" The bartender tells the man tonight there is a challenge, first you have to drink this glass of vodka, then you have to go out back and pull a tooth from an alligator, and finally you have to go upstairs and have sex with a woman. The man at first says no way, but after a few drinks he decides to do the challenge. The bartender hands him the glass of vodka and he downs it. He then goes outside to the alligator. He's out there for a while and making a lot of noise. When he finally comes back in the bartender asks,"What took you so long?" The man replies, "Where is that woman who needs her tooth pulled?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ls0n9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Joke to burn your friend

You die and goes to heaven.
Arriving at the pearly gates, you are greeted by St. Peter.
"Welcome to heaven!"
Behind the gates, all you can see is clocks. Clocks as far as the eye can see.
And they're all going at different speeds. Some very slow, some with hands spinning quickly.
"Um, Peter, I have a question; what's with all the clocks?"
"Oh, well, everyone on Earth has a clock. Each time you masturbate, the hands on the clock moves."
Turning red-faced, you ask "Which one belongs to me?"
"Yours is right there", Peter says, "Don't worry, yours moves as much as anyone elses".
"I have a friend back on Earth, (Insert friends name here), where is his/hers?"
"Oh, (name)? Theirs is in the back room. We use it as a fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ls0i1/joke_to_burn_your_friend/
%
What's Sarah Palin's favorite thing to do in the summertime?

Parah Salin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lrzx7/whats_sarah_palins_favorite_thing_to_do_in_the/
%
I moved to the south, people are different here.

I started a conversation with a midget, but had to walk away. He was a little racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lrv0c/i_moved_to_the_south_people_are_different_here/
%
Just added Paul Walker on xbox,

Shame he's always on the dashboard tho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lruod/just_added_paul_walker_on_xbox/
%
What's the difference between the Canadian-American border and a performance enhancing drug?

Niagara Falls, Viagra rises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lru1c/whats_the_difference_between_the_canadianamerican/
%
Jewish Bra

A young Jewish man walks into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York. He tells the saleslady,
"I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size 34 B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lrpww/jewish_bra/
%
Why did Trump call for a ban on all llamas entering the US?

because he isllamaphobic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lrpk8/why_did_trump_call_for_a_ban_on_all_llamas/
%
Why are Ethiopians so good at blowjobs?

Because they have to swallow everything they can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lrjf4/why_are_ethiopians_so_good_at_blowjobs/
%
A bad day

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lrj9m/a_bad_day/
%
A Jew

Gesundheit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lrbio/a_jew/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel in the front of his pants.

The bartender asks "isn't that bothering you?"
The pirate replies "aye, it be driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lran4/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_ships_steering/
%
What do you call a sudden fart?

An institute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lrad2/what_do_you_call_a_sudden_fart/
%
If life gives you melons

you might be dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lr5lg/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
A man in his backyard...

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.
As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"
To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."
The man asks,"Jesus, why is life so hard?"
To which Jesus replies,"That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."
The man asks again,"How was the universe created?"
Jesus replies,"I'm sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lr3qi/a_man_in_his_backyard/
%
How did the rabbit know his wife was cheating on him?

There was a hare in his bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lr1ol/how_did_the_rabbit_know_his_wife_was_cheating_on/
%
I feel like Mammorial Day would be a much less somber day.

In fact, it would probably be the breast holiday of the year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lr1kq/i_feel_like_mammorial_day_would_be_a_much_less/
%
I nearly jumped 10 feet in the air during my first prostate exam.

Good thing the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lr1a4/i_nearly_jumped_10_feet_in_the_air_during_my/
%
What's the best way to get a Jewish girl's number?

Roll up her sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lqy4v/whats_the_best_way_to_get_a_jewish_girls_number/
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Military humor

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.  They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first.  He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe.  He was 69 inches. He received $690,000. Next up was the Army general.  He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger.  It was 80 inches. He received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally the Marine general came up.  He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d..k to the tip of his balls.  The man said, "Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?" The general said no. "Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?" The general said, "Just do it!" The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d..k.  When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there.  The man said, "Sir, where are your balls." The general said, "I left them back in Vietnam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lqw9w/military_humor/
%
All dick jokes are essentially the same

they just vary in length.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lquo0/all_dick_jokes_are_essentially_the_same/
%
Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?

Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lqulh/why_did_trump_refuse_the_debate_with_bernie/
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Black humour is like children with cancer..

..it never gets old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lqqep/black_humour_is_like_children_with_cancer/
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I have submitted 10 jokes now trying to reach the front page...

no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lqonm/i_have_submitted_10_jokes_now_trying_to_reach_the/
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Ms. Pac Man is the biggest hoe in history

For 25 cents she swallows until she fucking dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lqnc4/ms_pac_man_is_the_biggest_hoe_in_history/
%
Not all math puns are bad

Just sum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lqmaz/not_all_math_puns_are_bad/
%
Making holy water from regular water is easy.

Just boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lqe8m/making_holy_water_from_regular_water_is_easy/
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[offensive] What is a Mexican's favorite sport?

Cross-country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lqdd3/offensive_what_is_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
%
Doctor Patient

- Doctor: I have bad news and good news. Which one do you want first.
- Patient: Give me the good news
- Doctor: OK, As per this report you have only 1 week to live
- Patient: This is good news ? What is the bad news ?
- Doctor: This  report came in 1 week ago but I forgot to call you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lqcxj/doctor_patient/
%
What would happen if The Styx and The Stones got a band together?

It wood rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lqc0o/what_would_happen_if_the_styx_and_the_stones_got/
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A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...

He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.
The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."
His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it."
The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the pickle slicer."
The woman stifles a laugh tells her husband not to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
A few weeks go by, and the man only wabts to put his penis in the pickle slicer more and more, so he goes to his manager, to ask for help, and the manager refers him to an occupational therapist and gives him some time off.  Nothing helps though, the therapist refers him to a real psychologist, hoping that maybe they can cure this man's affliction.
So one day the man comes home to his wife and says with a sigh, "Honey, I got fired today. I put my penis in the pickle slicer."
She gasps, crying out "oh my god! You have to go to the hospital!"
The man looks up at her, "Oh no, I'm perfectly fine. I feel great, actually."
His wife is now completely bewildered, "But, bu--your peni- and the pickle slicer!?"
The man shrugs, "Yeah, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lqbev/a_man_comes_home_to_his_wife_from_his_job_at_a/
%
Never have sex before 20...

It can be difficult to perform in front of an audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lq8r6/never_have_sex_before_20/
%
I want to make a school shooting joke, but that might seem offensive.

I think I should aim for a younger crowd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lq59v/i_want_to_make_a_school_shooting_joke_but_that/
%
Why do they call them thunder storms and not lightning storms?

Thunder storms just *sound* better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lq4od/why_do_they_call_them_thunder_storms_and_not/
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Two guys go to the beach for the weekend.

The first guy, Donnie, is getting looks from girls all day long, while Jimmy is ignored. Jimmy is completely blown away by this. They are both about the same size, with similar features. How could Donnie be so much more attractive. They could barely walk anywhere without some hot blonde in a bikini biting her lip and smiling at Donnie while she looked him up and down. By the end of the day Donnie had five of their numbers.
That night, after a few drinks, Jimmy finally has enough and asks Donnie "what's the deal, man? I'm as good looking as you, but for some reason all of the girls all day were throwing themselves at you all day and completely ignoring me. Am I really that ugly?"
"No, man," Donnie replied. "This is a little embarrassing, but I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. When I go to the beach, what I do is I put a banana in my swimsuit. Girls can't keep their eyes off of me. That's it."
"That's it?" Jimmy says, aghast. "It's so simple!"
"Try it tomorrow." Donnie suggests, "and let's see who can get the most numbers. I bet you'll win."
So the next day, they split up and go back to the beach. Jimmy slips the banana in his swimsuit and starts to stroll down the beach, smiling at all of the ladies along the way. To his surprise, the chicks all seem more repulsed with him than they did before. He gets looks of disgust, or gets laughed at by just about every girl he sees. A few girls even scream and run away from him as he tries to ask them for his number.
Completely crestfallen, Jimmy meets up with Donnie later and explains to him what happened.
"So what do you think happened?" Jimmy asks.
Donnie looks Jimmy up and down. "Oh..."
"What?"
"I forgot to tell you, dude." Donnie says. "You got to put the banana in the front of the swimsuit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lq4f5/two_guys_go_to_the_beach_for_the_weekend/
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I'm pretty sure my electrician supports LGBT rights.

Just the other day I heard him talking about his transister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lq3pk/im_pretty_sure_my_electrician_supports_lgbt_rights/
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An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Paddy! Paddy!"
Paddy came running in.
"Paddy I've suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
"Ohhh nooo!" Paddy said and tried to pull her up. "You're just too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus."
Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.
"Nope, I can't do it," Shamus said, "Let's try plan C."
"Plan C?" exclaimed Paddy. "What's that?"
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her."
"Oh okay," Paddy said. "While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits?" Shamus said. "Why would you do that? This is hardly the time."
Paddy replied, "Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lpzqt/an_irish_wife_was_having_a_shower_and_slipped/
%
How many ears does Spock have?

Three
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lpy4v/how_many_ears_does_spock_have/
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My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is too reliant on technology."

So I replied, "No, *your* generation is too reliant on technology!"
Then I disconnected his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lpq6p/my_grandfather_once_told_me_your_generation_is/
%
What do you call sex on a beach?

Intercoarse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lpmx6/what_do_you_call_sex_on_a_beach/
%
Glass...

tastes like blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lplml/glass/
%
What do you call a pile of cats?

A Meow-tain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lphua/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_cats/
%
Capitalization...

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lph3x/capitalization/
%
office joke

It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lph3h/office_joke/
%
Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank?

He got caught drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lpg8b/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_security_guard_who_got/
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What do you call it when you accidentally drop a flower?

An oopsy daisy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lpg7m/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_accidentally_drop_a/
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I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary...

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous  ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lpbiu/i_just_found_the_worst_page_in_the_entire/
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When does CPR become necrophilia?

When you are both stiff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lp6pv/when_does_cpr_become_necrophilia/
%
Parachute joke

if your parachute doesn't deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lp5yk/parachute_joke/
%
I have a gun by my bed.

So in the event of an intruder, I can shoot myself to avoid having to interact with a human being.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lp5aq/i_have_a_gun_by_my_bed/
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Why did the mexican take xanax?

For hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lp2zo/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
Before phones were invented

Were dick pics called junk mail?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lp2ly/before_phones_were_invented/
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Penguins and the cop

Credit to u/Akatheerder
A police officer is parked by the side of the road. He sees a pickup truck drive by and it's full of penguins. The officer flips his siren on and pulls the truck over.
He approaches the window and asks the man, "Sir, what are you doing with these penguins?"
"Well they're my pets, officer," the man replies.
"I'm afraid you'll have to take these animals to the zoo," the officer says, and leaves.
The next day, the police officer is parked in the same spot. He sees the same truck drive by. Now all the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He flips the siren on and pulls the truck over.
Upon reaching the window he says, "Sir, I told you to take these animals to the zoo."
"Yes officer, I did," replies the man. "Today we're going to the beach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lp2ip/penguins_and_the_cop/
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What do you call a kid who falls into a gorilla enclosure?

Zoolander

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lp1bc/what_do_you_call_a_kid_who_falls_into_a_gorilla/
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Funny talks make smile always.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lou84/funny_talks_make_smile_always/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lodln/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lobnm/why_should_you_never_play_poker_with_a_crocodile/
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René Descartes walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Want something to drink?". Decartes replies "I think not", and disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lo94d/rené_descartes_walks_into_a_bar/
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A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book."

The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word. The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lo1wr/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library_goes_up_to_a/
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Who built King Arthur's round table

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lnx2n/who_built_king_arthurs_round_table/
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The two lesbians next door.

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lnud8/the_two_lesbians_next_door/
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lnt0u/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
My friend owns a bakery

Last week it burnt down
Now his business is TOAST

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lnole/my_friend_owns_a_bakery/
%
I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lnm2l/i_had_to_remove_the_battery_from_my_carbon/
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When Miley Cyrus licks a sledgehammer naked, it's art.

When I do it, I'm drunk and told to leave Home Depot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lnivf/when_miley_cyrus_licks_a_sledgehammer_naked_its/
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"Actually, I'll have you know I have a degree in liberal arts"

"That's great ma'am, but I ordered fries with my meal"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lnhks/actually_ill_have_you_know_i_have_a_degree_in/
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

BREATHE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lneex/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
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A boy has a stunning realization and confronts his mother

Boy: Mum! Why am I black and you're white?
Mum: Considering all the crazy shit I've done years ago, you should be glad you aren't barking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lne0l/a_boy_has_a_stunning_realization_and_confronts/
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A man finds a ladder, seemingly disappearing into the sky... [NSFW]-ish

He begins to climb, getting higher and higher not knowing where the ladder will go. He passes by a very average looking woman, who says "Keep on climbing to success" and he figures "Why not?"
He keeps climbing and reaches another woman, this time far more attractive than the first, she says "Keep on climbing the ladder to success", so he does.
Next he reaches a stunning woman, 10/10, who says seductively, "Keep climbing the ladder to success", excitedly, he begins rushing until he reaches the top where lying on top of a platform is an old, nude man.
He then proclaims "Who the hell are you?" and the man replies "I'm Cess".
----
This was one of the first adult jokes I heard when I was younger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lndjn/a_man_finds_a_ladder_seemingly_disappearing_into/
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How to tell if an orange likes to party

Just Invitamin-C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lncyo/how_to_tell_if_an_orange_likes_to_party/
%
What's more covered in sweat than a marathon runner at the end of a race?

Josh Duggar at a family reunion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lncx1/whats_more_covered_in_sweat_than_a_marathon/
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What word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?

incorrectly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ln9tz/what_word_in_the_dictionary_is_spelled_incorrectly/
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Two Jewish men..

Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New York . Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?'
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I won’t be knowing, but I will ask  the Chef .After he returned from the kitchen a few minutes later  and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India  . Our people are scattered everywhere.'
The waiter returned and said, 'The Chef and the Captai! n my boss and they all say there is no Indian Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'
Listen you assholes , I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter. 'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews & Tomato Jews!   - No Indian Jews OK!!!!!???!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ln2sz/two_jewish_men/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ln1y6/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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Two firefighters are fucking

The chief walks in on two of his firefighters having vigorous sex.
He shouts:  Hey what the hell are you two doing?
One of the firefighters:  Chief, you don't understand, he suffered some serious smoke inhalation.
Chief: Thats not how you treat smoke inhalation.  The first step is mouth to mouth.
Firefighter: How do you think all this started?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmxq9/two_firefighters_are_fucking/
%
I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.
(Courtesy of a family member)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmt7u/i_just_found_out_im_colour_blind/
%
A 10 year old boy with a dead frog on a stick walks up to a brothel

He knocks on the door, and the madam answers. She says "I'm sorry, we can't serve a boy as young as you here."
The boy hands the madam a crisp 100 dollar bill, and she says "right this way."
The madam lines up her best girls, and asks the boy to choose one.
The boy asks "Do any of them have herpes?"
She says "No! Of course not. None of our girls have herpes."
So the boy hands her another 100 dollar bill and the madam says "right this way."
They walk into the brothels kitchen, and there is a fat girl scrubbing the floors.
The boy asks "Does she have herpes?"
The madam says yes, so the boy hands her yet another 100 dollar bill and they go into a private room.
The boy comes out 15 minutes later, and the madam asks him "I don't understand, you're so young! Why would you want herpes?"
The boy replies, "Well, I'm going to fuck the babysitter, the babysitter is going to fuck my dad, my dad's going to fuck my mom, my mom is going to fuck the mailman who killed my frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmsvo/a_10_year_old_boy_with_a_dead_frog_on_a_stick/
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Erect your ears for this one....

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmsbj/erect_your_ears_for_this_one/
%
Why did the railroad thief get caught?

He forgot to cover his tracks!
im^dead^inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmlaa/why_did_the_railroad_thief_get_caught/
%
What does a Jewish pedophile say to a child?

Do you want to buy a candy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmk8a/what_does_a_jewish_pedophile_say_to_a_child/
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Knock Knock

*Who's there
*The Kgb
*The kgb who?
*(Slaps person) we will ask the questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmjen/knock_knock/
%
In 1839 an Arab man made the first condom

The condom was made of goat intestines.  In 1844, a British scientist revolutionized the condom by removing the intestines from the goat first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmh8g/in_1839_an_arab_man_made_the_first_condom/
%
What's special about twin fruit molesters?

They always cum in pears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmgyz/whats_special_about_twin_fruit_molesters/
%
I just ended a long-term relationship today

I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmg1t/i_just_ended_a_longterm_relationship_today/
%
What's the difference between you and an egg?

An egg gets laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmemi/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_an_egg/
%
Why do German shower heads have eleven holes?

Because Jews only have ten fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmegs/why_do_german_shower_heads_have_eleven_holes/
%
Ten inch bic

Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter. He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised, the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man, "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Okay, I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp. A genie appears and asks the man what he wants. The man says " I want a million bucks." The genie says okay and goes back to his lamp and ten seconds later a million ducks fly over head, and the guy says to the other "Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a ten inch bic?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmcvo/ten_inch_bic/
%
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmctx/a_police_officer_jumps_into_his_squad_car_and/
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Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic

I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lmb5x/welcome_to_the_plastic_surgery_addiction_clinic/
%
What's the hardest part about rollerblading?

Telling your parents you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lm7ga/whats_the_hardest_part_about_rollerblading/
%
How do you circumcise a red-neck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lm7ey/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
The phone rings...

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man???"
"The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........
"Ernesto, if you broke that golf club, you're in deep trouble!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lm443/the_phone_rings/
%
Never get on one knee

for a girl who won't get on two for you ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lm223/never_get_on_one_knee/
%
What's the difference between a peeping tom and a rapist?

A rapist doesn't waste time beating around the bush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lm162/whats_the_difference_between_a_peeping_tom_and_a/
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Cockpit duties...

Years ago on a long AA flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.
When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.
She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"
He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lm0t9/cockpit_duties/
%
Socks and sandals are like condoms

There is almost no chance of getting a girl pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lm0ky/socks_and_sandals_are_like_condoms/
%
As a Marxist I could never play CoD,

because I refuse to create a class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4llpm8/as_a_marxist_i_could_never_play_cod/
%
People say I'm quite contrarian.

But I disagree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4llml7/people_say_im_quite_contrarian/
%
What's a great dating app for pedophiles?

Tindergarden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4llme2/whats_a_great_dating_app_for_pedophiles/
%
My father suffers from short term memory loss

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lllgq/my_father_suffers_from_short_term_memory_loss/
%
Two Irishmen are looking for a job.

They come across a sign, that reads, "Tree Fellers". Pat and Murphy look at each other and exclaim, "If only Seamus was here, we would've had the job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4llkfb/two_irishmen_are_looking_for_a_job/
%
Good animal joke...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4llk5i/good_animal_joke/
%
What does a transgender person call their sibling?

little cis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ll8jz/what_does_a_transgender_person_call_their_sibling/
%
A local farmer just received an award from the city.

It was for being outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ll820/a_local_farmer_just_received_an_award_from_the/
%
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ll7vd/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What kind of cheese can be used to build a structure?

Cottage cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ll5xk/what_kind_of_cheese_can_be_used_to_build_a/
%
I was drinking a margarita at the bar....

And a woman screamed "Does anyone know CPR?!"
I replied that i knew the whole alphabet, we laughed and laughed.....well except for one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ll5x5/i_was_drinking_a_margarita_at_the_bar/
%
Can anyone explain this joke?

It's from the Prairie Home Companion joke collection, so I'm sure it isn't FUNNY, but no one I know seems to understand it, period.
"At a Sunday evening service, the minister asked if anyone had any announcements they would like to make. When no one said anything, an old Norwegian bachelor farmer raised his hand and said I'd like to announce I've got some baby pigs for sale."
Is a church joke? A pig joke? A Norwegian joke? A bachelor joke? A farmer joke? WHAT IS THE JOKE???
Thank you for your help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ll5ox/can_anyone_explain_this_joke/
%
Do you think Michael J Fox....?

Do you think Michael J Fox ever gets an answer out of an 8-Ball?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ll4pe/do_you_think_michael_j_fox/
%
Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch

Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ll4m4/honey_there_are_broken_condoms_on_the_couch/
%
Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98,  and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ll47o/hillary_clinton_is_the_windows_10_of_the_election/
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What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ll2vr/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ll0zc/why_did_the_console_peasant_cross_the_road/
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I went to this zoo the other day, but there was only one dog inside.

It was a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ll0w3/i_went_to_this_zoo_the_other_day_but_there_was/
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*rubs a lamp*

Genie appears and asks for a wish
"I don't wanna die virgin"
*Genie grants immortality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ll076/rubs_a_lamp/
%
I bought a new sex doll...

it's so realistic she doesn't wanna have sex with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lkuyh/i_bought_a_new_sex_doll/
%
Second best gaming joke ever...

Buy the DLC to find out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lkt1r/second_best_gaming_joke_ever/
%
Little Johnny lives with his mother on a farm...

One day he comes running in and screams: "Mommy, Mommy, the bull is fucking the cow!"
His Mother slaps him hard and says: "We don't use language like that in this house, the next time it happens, say 'The bull is *surprising* the cow.'" Rubbing his cheek, Little Johnny walks away.
A couple of days go by and Little Johnny runs in again, screaming "Mommy, Mommy, the bull is surprising all the cows!", his Mother turns around and says "That's not possible, he can't be surprising all the cows at once"
Little Johnny says: "Yes he can, because he's fucking the horse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lks49/little_johnny_lives_with_his_mother_on_a_farm/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The street performer notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so the street performer stands up on a large, nearby wooden box, and calls out, "Can you see me now?"
The four men respond with
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lkrwr/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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Why do Mexicans always install those tiny steering wheels in their cars?

So they can drive with the handcuffs on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lkqyu/why_do_mexicans_always_install_those_tiny/
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I used to be a stoner in my home country...

...but then I started to respect women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lkprn/i_used_to_be_a_stoner_in_my_home_country/
%
I put my root beer in a square glass.

Now it's just beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lkppb/i_put_my_root_beer_in_a_square_glass/
%
Help! My Wife left me for my best friend

And I miss him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lkpp7/help_my_wife_left_me_for_my_best_friend/
%
A man with an extremely little head meets his friend at a bar for a few drinks...

his friend says what the hell happened to your head? The man says he found a mermaid who agreed to grant him three wishes. With his first wish he asked for a billion dollars and the mermaid granted this wish. With his second wish he asked to live a healthy a fulfilling life and the mermaid got him into the best shape of his life. His friend asks what about the third wish? The man replies, well this mermaid was really good looking so I asked her to have sex with me for my third wish. The problem was that mermaids don't have vaginas, so I asked her for a little head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lkn4z/a_man_with_an_extremely_little_head_meets_his/
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Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over?

That makes it cap sized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lkn3b/did_you_know_that_you_can_fit_any_boat_on_your/
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What do you call it when a white person robs you?

Capitalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lkmw5/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_white_person_robs_you/
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My wife left me for an Indian guy

I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lklsg/my_wife_left_me_for_an_indian_guy/
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Honest Criminals

A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window.
"Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said.
"Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied.
"What!? As the victim or burglar?" the cop was quite shocked.
"Burglar, sir. I have the loot in the back of the car." the man said calmly.
"I am afraid you will have to come with me, sir," and the cop reached into the car to subdue the man.
"Be careful, sir! I don't want you to find the gun in my glove compartment!" the man shouted, fearfully.
By now, the cop was quite frustrated because of the fact that he had not been caught doing all of these actions, despite the man's obvious stupidity. The cop called for backup, and in the nick of time, sirens and helicopters flooded the scene.
After the police force searched the man's car, another police officer approached the man.
"Sir, the cop that approached you earlier informed us that you recently robbed a house, had the stolen loot in the back of your car and a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we couldn't find any of these things in your car."
"What? That liar told you that!? I bet he told you I was speeding too," the man replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lkefx/honest_criminals/
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Stop eating all the shrimp, Sean Connery

It's shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lkb7j/stop_eating_all_the_shrimp_sean_connery/
%
A grasshopper walks into a bar...

and the bar keep says:
"Hey, I've got a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies:
"You have a drink named Bob?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lkab1/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
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Lost my wristwatch at a party once. A guy stepped on it while sexually harassing a girl.

I punched him straight in the chin, knocking him out. Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lk9ds/lost_my_wristwatch_at_a_party_once_a_guy_stepped/
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A whale of a tail...

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance.
He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge."
And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship.
The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I am NOT swallowing the seamen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lk5ot/a_whale_of_a_tail/
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So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder...

The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"
"Africa!", says the parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lk0vg/so_a_black_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_beautiful/
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What did dick say to the condom?

I'm going in cover me !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ljw0c/what_did_dick_say_to_the_condom/
%
I got screwed by a man in a wig yesterday...

He was judging me the whole time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ljvh2/i_got_screwed_by_a_man_in_a_wig_yesterday/
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At what point does CPR become necrophilia?

When you're both stiff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ljuhv/at_what_point_does_cpr_become_necrophilia/
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Roses are red, Violets are blue...

Pornhub is down, your facebook will do ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ljtti/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot...

"Wow, there's so many buttons and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ljqra/a_new_pilot_has_his_first_day_in_a_real_cockpit/
%
Little Johnny was sitting in class....

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ljih0/little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class/
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My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke.

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ljhzx/my_5_year_olds_painful_twist_on_a_knock_knock_joke/
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(Nsfw) what does a sex robot say when he's done with his task?

Fuck off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ljhet/nsfw_what_does_a_sex_robot_say_when_hes_done_with/
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A Jewish Samurai [Long]

Once upon a time there was a competition in Japan to decide who would be the new head samurai. There were 3 contestants, A Jewish Samurai, and Christian Samurai, and a Muslim Samurai. The emperor of Japan says to the Muslim Samurai to go first, so, The Muslim Samurai spots a bee and slices it clean in half. Next, the emperor asks the Christian Samurai to go. The Christian Samurai spots another bee and slices the bee's wings clean off. Finally, The emperor asks the Jewish Samurai to go. The Jewish Samurai spots a bee and slashes quickly through the air, but it seems like no visible damage has been done to the bee.
The emperor says "You clearly have missed, the bee is alive and flying well"
And the Jewish Samurai responds "Of course the bee is fine, circumcision isn't fatal".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ljekm/a_jewish_samurai_long/
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a french girl married a texas guy..

After a while together, she is complaining:
- listen, John, when you kiss me with a chewing gum in your mouth, I can live with that, when you make love to me with your boots and hat on - i can bear with it, but please take your cigar out when we do 69!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ljcma/a_french_girl_married_a_texas_guy/
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Was Snoop Dogg being serious when he changed his name?

Or was Snoop Lion ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ljcce/was_snoop_dogg_being_serious_when_he_changed_his/
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An American man hooks up with a Japanese woman... [nsfw]

An American man hooks up with a Japanese woman the night before a game of golf with a big Japanese client.
The woman is screaming with passion a specific word in Japanese that the man could tell was a great thing. He decides to try it out at golf.
Each time the big client sinks the ball, the man shouts his newly learned Japanese word. Finally, after the 9th hole, the big client asks the man:
"Why do you keep shouting wrong hole?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ljbn3/an_american_man_hooks_up_with_a_japanese_woman/
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LPT: If you're cold, try standing in a corner.

They are usually about 90°

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ljbas/lpt_if_youre_cold_try_standing_in_a_corner/
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Pinocchio [NSFW]

Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!"
Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?"
"You're too rough."
Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..."
She responds, "No, you don't understand. You're too *rough*. I'm getting splinters down there."
The next day, he's telling this to Geppeto. "You really gotta help me fix this..."
Geppeto replies, "Head down to the toolbox, in the bottom drawer is some 220-grit sandpaper. That should fix the problem."
A week or so later, Geppeto is in Home Depot, and he sees Pinocchio in line at the cashier, with another package of sandpaper.
"Hey, Pinocchio," Geppeto calls out. "It looks like the girls are really liking the new smooth feel!"
Pinocchio replies, "Girls? Who needs girls?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ljapj/pinocchio_nsfw/
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I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta.

Now it's a Ford Focus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lj8lm/i_left_my_adderall_in_my_ford_fiesta/
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What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One's a slimy, scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is delicious dipped in batter and deep-fried.
*-Hannibal Lecter*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lj74u/whats_the_difference_between_a_catfish_and_a/
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One!  But the light bulb has to WANT to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lj5t9/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Companies should use chromosomes in advertising

Because sex cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lj3ts/companies_should_use_chromosomes_in_advertising/
%
A woman is in bed with her lover...

A woman is in bed with her lover when her nine year old son walks in and hides in the closet. Suddenly, the door opens and the woman's husband walks in, and she hides her lover in the closet not knowing her son is there.
"It's dark here" says the boy
"It sure is" says the lover
"I have a soccer ball"
"That's good"
"Would you like to buy it?"
"No thanks"
"My dad is outside"
"OK how much?"
"$250"
With that, the kid sells his soccer ball. A few days later, the boy and the woman's lover meet in the closet again/
"It's dark here"
"It sure is"
"I have sneakers." The lover remembering what happened last time asks,
"How much?"
"$750" And the boy sells his sneakers. The next day his dad comes up to him and says "How about we go outside and play soccer?"
"I can't, dad, I sold the ball and the shoes."
"What? And how much did you sell them for?"
"$1000" says the boy
"That's terrible, son, how could you sell them for that much, when they are only worth $100 tops. You have to go to church and confess" With that, the father takes the boy by his hand and walks him to their church. The boy steps into the confessional and closes the door
"It's dark here" says the boy
"Please, kid, don't start this time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lj2hx/a_woman_is_in_bed_with_her_lover/
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Did you hear about the guy who told everyone goodbye and then didn't leave?

It was much adieu about nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lj190/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_told_everyone/
%
I love the smell of my F5 key...

It's just so refreshing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lj0lr/i_love_the_smell_of_my_f5_key/
%
A man walks into a bar...

... and upon entering it declares "Trump supporters are assholes."
A second man gets up from his barstool and yells at the first man from across the bar "Hey!  I take offense to that!"
"Are you a Trump supporter?" inquires the first man.
"No," the second man replies, "I'm an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lj07v/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs

...and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lizuj/a_thief_stuck_a_pistol_in_a_mans_ribs/
%
A woman walks into an ice cream shop and orders

"a half gallon of vanilla, a half gallon of strawberry, and a half gallon of chocolate".
The man behind the counter politely says "Sorry ma'am, we're all out of chocolate".
She replies "Fine, I'll have a half gallon of vanilla, a half gallon of strawberry, and a half gallon of... ummm... vanilla chocolate swirl".
Annoyed, the man repeats "Sorry ma'am, we're all out of chocolate".
Frustrated, the woman revises her order "What about a half gallon of vanilla, a half gallon of strawberry, and a half gallon of... hmmm... mint chocolate chip".
The man says "Lady... Can you spell the VAN in vanilla?"
She obliges, with a "V.A.N. - why?"
He continues "Can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?"
Again, she humors him. "S.T.R.A.W - WHY?"
He butts in asking "And can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?"
Confused, she says "But there ain't no FUCK in chocolate?!?!?!"
The man raises his voice - "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4liyja/a_woman_walks_into_an_ice_cream_shop_and_orders/
%
What's the oldest trick in the book?

Trick #1, duh. It's at the beginning of the contents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lixn8/whats_the_oldest_trick_in_the_book/
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How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4liuqi/how_did_rihanna_find_out_chris_brown_was_cheating/
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A neurosurgeon is preparing his patient for a brain transplant...

He tells the patient: "Would you like a woman's brain or a man's brain?"
"Why are there options?" the patient asks.
"Well," replies the Surgeon, "the woman's brain is half the price of the man's!
"Why is it half price?" asks the man.
"Because it's used!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lity1/a_neurosurgeon_is_preparing_his_patient_for_a/
%
Seeing eye dogs.

A man with a German Shepherd goes into a pub and sits down at the bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you can't bring that dog in here." The man replies "But this is a seeing eye dog!" The bartender then says "Well, okay then, I guess it can stay".
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. The first man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a seeing eye dog and then it'll be okay". The second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in. The bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" The man stares straight ahead and exclaims "What? They sold me a Chihuahua?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lit6q/seeing_eye_dogs/
%
What are pedophile's favorite shoes?

Vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4likz5/what_are_pedophiles_favorite_shoes/
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What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4liktw/what_did_the_dna_say_to_the_other_dna/
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A horse walked into a bar.

Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lifh8/a_horse_walked_into_a_bar/
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What's the point of Jewish football?

To get the quarter back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lid9u/whats_the_point_of_jewish_football/
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Whats the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut?

About 3 weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lic1y/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_haircut_and_a/
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The other day, my friend said that he thinks that I might have Asperger's Syndrome.

I couldn't tell if he was joking, or being serious, or happy, or sad, or angry, or frightened, or...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4libkn/the_other_day_my_friend_said_that_he_thinks_that/
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I asked my german friends if they had Oculus Rifts yet

they said "V.R. Ready"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4li5yf/i_asked_my_german_friends_if_they_had_oculus/
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How do you turn soup to gold?

Add 24 carrots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4li1ef/how_do_you_turn_soup_to_gold/
%
Cop pulls a man over and the man hands him a concealed carry permit....

So the cop asked the man "are you carrying today sir?"
Man says "yes sir, I have a Colt .45 on my hip and a .22 in my boot."
"Anything else?" Said the officer. Man says "well there's a Glock in the glove box, a 12 gauge on the back seat... oh plus the M4, Springfield and Tommy gun in the trunk."
Officer responds "Are you going to or from the gun range sir?"
"Neither officer."
"Well then what are you so afraid of?"
The man looks the officer square in the eye and says
"Not a God damned thing..."
Oldie I remembered, thought I'd share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhs3r/cop_pulls_a_man_over_and_the_man_hands_him_a/
%
Why does Wally (Waldo) always wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted!
I'll let myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhra7/why_does_wally_waldo_always_wear_stripes/
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Never do a parachute jump with your girlfriend...

Do it with a parachute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhmnt/never_do_a_parachute_jump_with_your_girlfriend/
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Two psychics run into each other in the street

The first one says, "You're fine, how am I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhirs/two_psychics_run_into_each_other_in_the_street/
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A joke told by an old man.

I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.
Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.
Me: Sucks you can not do that today!
Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhiqm/a_joke_told_by_an_old_man/
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One

How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhhf6/one/
%
What do you call an honest man in the Oval Office?

Lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhfin/what_do_you_call_an_honest_man_in_the_oval_office/
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhfgm/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_off_the_boat/
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Build a man a fire...

and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhffr/build_a_man_a_fire/
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What is Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhcwo/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_nation/
%
Once I was travelling in a taxi,

the taxi driver said: “I am very happy with this job. I am my own boss and nobody can order me what to do.”
Then I said: “Take left.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhbnw/once_i_was_travelling_in_a_taxi/
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Did you guys hear the rumor about the butter?

I don't know if I should spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhbnd/did_you_guys_hear_the_rumor_about_the_butter/
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A guy meets his friend on the street

but his friend has a horribly swollen face, is missing teeth, has scratches on his arms, blood all over his shirt and he looks scared and disorientated. Of course his friend gets extremely worried and asks:
"Are you all right?! What happened dude?"
"I just buried my mother-in-law..."
"So?"
"Well she resisted".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhbes/a_guy_meets_his_friend_on_the_street/
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My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Then I got kicked out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhazh/my_penis_used_to_be_in_the_guinness_book_of_world/
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Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lhank/have_you_ever_had_ethiopian_food/
%
The Wright Way

"I think it is wrong that one company makes Monopoly."
-Steven Wright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lh9ij/the_wright_way/
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Puppy Love (NSFW)

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.  The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.  Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies:
"Next time flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lh983/puppy_love_nsfw/
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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.

She's ninety-three today and we don't know where the hell she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lh729/my_grandmother_started_walking_five_miles_a_day/
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There once were three girls who were ugly. So they decided to do something about it.

They went to a plastic surgeon first to see what their options were.
"It's hopeless, " he said," You guys are too ugly."
"We're girls, " they said.
"But...there is a way. There's a magic lake that can change your appearance to whomever or whatever you want to look like. All you have to do is jump and shout the name off of the bridge. But be careful because it only works once"
So the girls went to the bridge.
The first girl jumped and shouted, "Margot Robbie!" and came out looking like Margot Robbie.
Excited, the second girl jumped immediately after and shouted "Scarlett Johansson!". She also came out looking like Scarlett Johansson.
Now the third girl wasn't sure. She hated heights and she hated water and was too scared to jump. The second girl, thinking it would be for her own good, gave her a hard push from behind, surprising the nervous girl.
"OH SHIT"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lh723/there_once_were_three_girls_who_were_ugly_so_they/
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I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy...

...but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lh2qc/i_bought_a_400_yearold_chair_from_italy/
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I like my women like I like my coffee...

...bought for far less money than it would have cost to buy it locally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lh1s6/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Why is air like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgzso/why_is_air_like_sex/
%
What happens when a male prostitute trains another male prostitute?

He takes him under his wang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgx52/what_happens_when_a_male_prostitute_trains/
%
Have You Ever Been Insulted And Complimented At The Same Time?

It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgx45/have_you_ever_been_insulted_and_complimented_at/
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Jesus Christ is hanging from the cross...

...with his followers and apostles at the bottom of the hill, a vanguard of roman soldiers keeping them from approaching.
Jesus calls out, "Peter...Peter..."
The apostle Peter, thinking he will be privy to Christ's final words of wisdom to his followers, charges up the hill with the intent of breaking through the roman soldiers to reach Jesus.
The Romans beat the tar out of Peter and send him tumbling back down the hill.
"Peter," Jesus calls out again. "Peter!"
Once more Peter goes up the hill, staggering in pain this time from his recent beating.
Once more the Romans grab Peter and show him why you don't mess with Roman soldiers. This time they break one of his arms and legs in the process before tossing him back down the hill.
Jesus calls out in a weak but insistent voice, "Peter! Peter!"
Peter crawls slowly up the hill in agonizing pain. The Romans are impressed with his devotion and allow him to pass this time. Peter manages to make it to the base of Jesus' cross.
"Yes, my Lord, what is it?" Peter asks.
"Peter...I can see your house from here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgw42/jesus_christ_is_hanging_from_the_cross/
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I can't cook with spices right now...

...I just don't have the thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgv8m/i_cant_cook_with_spices_right_now/
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Why is whacking a Donald Trump piñata a really *bad* idea?

Because it's full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgv52/why_is_whacking_a_donald_trump_piñata_a_really/
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What do you call freshly made cheese?

Goudas-new

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgtvn/what_do_you_call_freshly_made_cheese/
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A Girl was towelling her wet pussy. She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until

the pussy cried "Meow" and ran away.
Moral Lessons
1. Be kind to Animals
2. Always keep your thoughts clean...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgpj5/a_girl_was_towelling_her_wet_pussy_she_enjoyed_it/
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What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgpbr/what_do_you_call_a_blind_dinosaur/
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Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home...

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home.
A local man was murdered in his home over the weekend.
Detectives found him face down in the bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a banana was sticking out of his ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgn36/be_sure_you_lock_your_doors_and_windows_at_home/
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A Sadist and a Masochist are walking down the street.

The Masochist says, "Hit me."
The Sadist says, "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgltf/a_sadist_and_a_masochist_are_walking_down_the/
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Did you know that Jesus is gay?

Yeah. It says it in the Bible. He got nailed by a few Roman centurions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgkrr/did_you_know_that_jesus_is_gay/
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Little Johnny wakes up one night

hearing strange noises from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgfgm/little_johnny_wakes_up_one_night/
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What do you get when you drop an egg off the Empire State Building?

New Yolk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgdsy/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_an_egg_off_the/
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My wife and I were in the shower together...

Being awfully childish, I started to use her body like an instrument. When I'd tap her left boob, it made a snare noise, and her right boob was my cymbal. Her butt also made beautiful music as I struck it like bongos.
She started to get upset and yelled, "How would you like it if I used you like an instrument?!"
I replied, "Just fine, as long as I can be a flute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lgarw/my_wife_and_i_were_in_the_shower_together/
%
I was stood in the Chemist..

And I said to the lady behind the counter, “Do you have anything that will clear up Diarrhoea?”
“We have some Imodium plus, if that’s what you mean,” she replied.
“No, I don’t think you understand my question. I just shat on your floor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lg9wk/i_was_stood_in_the_chemist/
%
Wrestling is gay. That's why i like basketball

Men in matching outfits who play with balls for a living in hopes that someone will one day give them a ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lg775/wrestling_is_gay_thats_why_i_like_basketball/
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Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a novel?

Because he always gets stuck in Chapter 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lg6sw/why_hasnt_donald_trump_ever_finished_a_novel/
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"With people now being able to decide their own gender, how do you feel about people who identify as household appliances?"

"I'm certainly not a big fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lg2ld/with_people_now_being_able_to_decide_their_own/
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I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

You know...heroin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lg0nd/ive_been_so_stressed_recently_ive_been_doing_that/
%
I paid $600 to get off once

Damn court costs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lg0bs/i_paid_600_to_get_off_once/
%
Two Arabs are on a plane.

One orders a bottle of Champagne and asks the other "do you want some?".
The other replies "No thanks, I'll have to drive soon".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lfw29/two_arabs_are_on_a_plane/
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Every single morning I get hit by the same bike

It's a vicious cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lfvq2/every_single_morning_i_get_hit_by_the_same_bike/
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If we were compressed down to a single dimension ...

what would be the point of it all?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lfvd1/if_we_were_compressed_down_to_a_single_dimension/
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What's the name of your penis?

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
But, what the heck, he says to himself, I really want a drink.
Shortly, the gay waiter approaches, and says to the guy, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The waiter replies, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine, for instance, is Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It Really Satisfies'."
The customer looks dumbfounded, so the bartender jumps in and tells him he will give him a minute to think it over.
The customer turns to the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right,who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and shouts, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me a beer!"
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer replies, "Because it's 'Strong Enough For a Man, But Made For a Woman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lfsqb/whats_the_name_of_your_penis/
%
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lfp3e/maria_is_a_devout_catholic_she_gets_married_and/
%
Why do single women take advice from other single women?

That's like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lfo78/why_do_single_women_take_advice_from_other_single/
%
An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic...

He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500."
A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste."
Upon hearing this, the engineer told his assistant to get a tablespoon of kerosene and give it to the doctor. When he tasted the kerosene, the doctor spat it out and exclaimed," That was terrible!"
The engineer smirked and replied," That would be $500." The doctor paid and left grumbling
Still determined, the doctor went back to the clinic and told the engineer this time," I have lost my memory!"
The engineer told his assistant to give the doctor another tablespoon of kerosene. When the doctor heard it, he immediately stopped the assistant.
The engineer, once again, laughed and told the doctor," That would be $500." The doctor paid and left
Even more determined, the doctor marched into the clinic and told the engineer," I have lost my vision." The engineer thought for a moment and sighed and replied, " I do not have a cure for that, I will write you the check for $1500." So, he goes off and begins to write a check.
The doctor smirked and waited for the engineer. When the engineer came back, he handed the doctor the check and left.
"WAIT! This check only has $200, are you trying to cheat me?" the doctor exclaimed. But at that moment, the doctor realised his fault.
"That would be another $500, thank you." the engineer replied, laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lfibd/an_engineer_quit_his_job_and_decided_to_open_a/
%
I've just got back from a funeral of a friend who was killed after being hit in the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lfhch/ive_just_got_back_from_a_funeral_of_a_friend_who/
%
Are you single too? Don't worry, you're not alone.

Actually, I guess you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lfeo1/are_you_single_too_dont_worry_youre_not_alone/
%
The glass eye...

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check.
As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.
As she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
The next morning as he was leaving, she asked, "Would you like to join me for dinner another time?"
The man answered immediately, "Yes, I'd love to. How about tomorrow?"
She was delighted and replied, "OK. I'll keep my eye out for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lfe06/the_glass_eye/
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Pay the Price

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours.
After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did.
The first nun says, ''I had sex with two men at one time.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''
The second nun tells the priest, ''I robbed a bank for $25,000.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''
The third nun tells the priest, ''I killed a woman that I have wanted dead all my life.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''
The priest said to the fourth nun, ''Okay, what sin did you commit.''
The fourth nun says, ''I pissed in the holy water.'''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lfdva/pay_the_price/
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What do you call a belt made of dollar bills?

A waist of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lfbfy/what_do_you_call_a_belt_made_of_dollar_bills/
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Irish Joke

Paddy walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
"Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"?
The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "Thats terrible" he says. "So bitter".
Paddy replies with delight "Oh tats good news, they told me to bring a sample here and get tested fir me sugar levels".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lfas8/irish_joke/
%
How do you weigh a Hipster?

In instagrams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lfa6a/how_do_you_weigh_a_hipster/
%
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One or two?

One..
..Or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lf9is/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I started playing a new drinking game recently, Every time I am depressed I take a drink.

That game is called alcoholism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lf7qi/i_started_playing_a_new_drinking_game_recently/
%
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

Haloumi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lf6r3/what_did_the_cheese_say_when_it_looked_in_the/
%
As an airplane is about to crash...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lf3l5/as_an_airplane_is_about_to_crash/
%
I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'
I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lf24a/i_saw_a_burglar_on_the_cctv_of_my_elements_shop/
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What do you call it when you turn into a vampire before being bitten?

Premature Edraculation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lf1l5/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_turn_into_a_vampire/
%
Alcohol is an excellent solvent.

It dissolves marriages, friendships and organs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lf0gw/alcohol_is_an_excellent_solvent/
%
What did Jesse say to Woody when they were having a threesome with Buzz Lightyear?

You've got a friend in me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4levfy/what_did_jesse_say_to_woody_when_they_were_having/
%
A man is driving a car through the woods...

Suddenly, he stumbles upon a frog and he immidiately stops. He leaves his car, and the frog thanks him for stopping and offers him 3 wishes. The man is confused, but eventually he has these 3 wishes:
1. I want a huge house
2. I want a basement full of money
3. I want 2 women in every room with big boobs.
The frog claps, and hops away. Man goes to his home, and he has something to see: huge house, with his name on the mailbox. He enters it and in all rooms there are women waiting for him, he rushes to his basement to see it full of money. After a few days of 'making love' and spending some money, he decides to visit the frog again to thank it.
He goes to the forest to the exact spot where he first saw the frog, and after he finds it, he thanks the frog and asks if there's anything he can do for it.
"Everyone always asks me for wishes, but I have always wanted someone to fuck me."
After all that the frog has done for the man, he could not refuse. He starts, and suddenly BAM!, the frog turns into a 13 year old girl.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED YOUR HONOR, NOT WHAT THE MOM SAID!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4leul8/a_man_is_driving_a_car_through_the_woods/
%
What's more Irish than eating potatoes?

Not eating potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4leo0w/whats_more_irish_than_eating_potatoes/
%
i put tinder on my kindle

it burst into flames

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lenqm/i_put_tinder_on_my_kindle/
%
A sailor on a Navy ship...

...had been out to sea for weeks, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawals. Fed up with the lack of sex, he asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take.
"Well, there's a barrel with a hole in it near the mop storage. When it gets to be too much for us, we use that."
So the sailor went over to the barrel and decided to give it a go. Finding it was better than he'd expected, he began using it regularly, and his problems seemed to vanish.
After a couple of weeks, his commanding officer began to take notice, and said, "You seem to be a lot more relaxed. What's your secret?"
The sailor, embarrassed to give a straight answer, simply said he'd been getting better rest.
"Well good, sailor. You're going to need it," replied the officer. "Today's your turn in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4leneh/a_sailor_on_a_navy_ship/
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Your breath is so nasty....

That people look forward to your farts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lemcm/your_breath_is_so_nasty/
%
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift..

But I couldn't find a manual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lekkt/i_wanted_to_learn_how_to_drive_a_stick_shift/
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Jews rated their trip to Auschwitz.

They all gave it one star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lekkc/jews_rated_their_trip_to_auschwitz/
%
Why did Sherlock Holmes not want a second cup of tea in the emergency room?

Because it was More ER Tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4leje7/why_did_sherlock_holmes_not_want_a_second_cup_of/
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My dad and I talking.

I asked my dad today "What rhymes with orange?" He replied "No, it doesn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lej77/my_dad_and_i_talking/
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A LESSON IN MORALS

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lej3v/a_lesson_in_morals/
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So it turns out I'm incapable of describing my feelings.

Can't say I'm surprised...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lehho/so_it_turns_out_im_incapable_of_describing_my/
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Bacon eggs and toast

walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "sorry we don't serve breakfast here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4leg8w/bacon_eggs_and_toast/
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Getting married for sex...

is like flying on an airplane for food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lec80/getting_married_for_sex/
%
TIFU by putting ham in a muslim lady's foot long

Whoops wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4le9l6/tifu_by_putting_ham_in_a_muslim_ladys_foot_long/
%
A young boy comes home from school.

"Mommy," the boy says. "I have a drinking problem."
Shocked, the mother screams "WHAT? BUT YOU'RE ONLY SIX!" Hearing the commotion, the father comes into the room, asking "What is happening here?" The mother, in tears, yells "This is your fault! If you hadn't been a role model for him, none of this would have happened!" The father roars "My fault!? If you had spent more time with him, then none of this would have happened!"
The two go back and forth for about ten minutes before the father leaves the house, slamming the door behind him. The mother bends down to the now crying child, and says "It's okay now, just relax. We can go without daddy for now, okay? Now tell me about your drinking problem."
Sniffling, the kid goes over to his backpack and pulls out a paper. He reads, "If Josh drunk two liters of juice and Jill drunk three liters, how many liters did they drink in all?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4le65l/a_young_boy_comes_home_from_school/
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I was in an empty bar.

The only other person in it besides the barkeep was this old man sitting at the other end. After a few minutes of silence, he looks up and asks me, "Do you know what they call me?"
"No. What do they call you?"
"You see this bar here? Well I built it. Cut the lumber and brought it over here myself. It took me days. But no one calls me Bill the barbuilder."
"You see that wall outside? I built that. I cut the stones from the quarry and brought them here. I put it all together by hand. It took me weeks. But no one calls me Bill the wallbuilder."
"And that dock down by the water? I built that too. I cut trees into planks and made the rivets from scrap. I brought it all here and lashed it together while the waves crashed down on me. It took me months. But no one calls me Bill the dockbuilder."
"But you fuck ONE goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4le429/i_was_in_an_empty_bar/
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Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?
He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"
Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4le3p7/okay_i_thought_this_up_on_the_way_to_work_this/
%
Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety medication?

To prevent Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4le1cv/why_does_donald_trump_take_antianxiety_medication/
%
A great pun...

is its own reword.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ldxao/a_great_pun/
%
Two Italian men get on a bus

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm
just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ldwed/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
%
Why are 8 year old African children always so depressed?

Mid-life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ldvor/why_are_8_year_old_african_children_always_so/
%
Two boys go to religion class

10 minutes into the class, the teacher asks Timmy "Who was Mary?" Immediately, Adam pokes Timmy's ass with a pencil. "MOTHER OF GOD!" Timmy yells. The teacher says "Good, but don't yell." 15 minutes into the class, Timmy is called on again. "Who is the son of God?" Adam pokes his ass with a pencil again and Timmy yells "Jesus Christ!" The teacher waves him on as correct. The next day Timmy is called on again. "What did Eve say after she conceived her last child?" Adam pokes Timmy's ass with the pencil again. "Adam, I swear! If you put that fucking stick up my ass one more time, I will break it in half, ya hear me?" The teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ldse1/two_boys_go_to_religion_class/
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Little Timmy Is taking a shower with his Mother..

and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Timmy to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Timmy didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Timmy, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Timmy thinks thats neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Timmy's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Timmy runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommys dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommys dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys balloons and shes screaming, "Oh God, Im coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ldlg8/little_timmy_is_taking_a_shower_with_his_mother/
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To celebrate their 7th anniversary a man and his wife....

Spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.
"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."
The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.
"Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."
They walk up to the house and knock on the door.
"Come on in," a voice in the house says.
The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.
When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"
"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."
"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."
"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.
The genie smiles. "Consider it done."
"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."
The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.
When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"
"31," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ldjf7/to_celebrate_their_7th_anniversary_a_man_and_his/
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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running away from a insane killer.

After some time running the brunette spots a barn.
They all run into the barn to find there's only three big brown burlap sacks to hide in.
The redhead says "follow my lead" and jumps into one of the sacks.
The other girls jump into theirs too.
Soon after, the killer runs in and seems a bit confused...
until he spots the burlap sacks.
"I gotcha now" he says
he walks up to the sack that the redhead is in and kicks it.
"RUFF BARK RUFF"
"dumb dog" he says and walks over to the sack with the brunette in it.
He gives it a good kick this time.
"MEOW MEOW"
"stupid cat" he says and then walks over the the sack with blonde in it.
He gives this sack another good kick this time.
"POTATOES"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ldjar/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_running_away/
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Very offensive man on the loose with flint and steel

Sparks outrage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ldiy7/very_offensive_man_on_the_loose_with_flint_and/
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I store drugs right under my nose

Don't believe me? Check my stash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ldcxu/i_store_drugs_right_under_my_nose/
%
I was disappointed to have to pay for my new roof

they promised me it would be on the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ldck3/i_was_disappointed_to_have_to_pay_for_my_new_roof/
%
What did one lesbian vampire say to another?

See you next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ldcei/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_another/
%
No matter how kind you are,

German children will always be kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ldbcj/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
How do you draw an Overwatch character?

You Tracer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ldarx/how_do_you_draw_an_overwatch_character/
%
Who makes coffee for the U.N.?

The French Press Secretary!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ld9b4/who_makes_coffee_for_the_un/
%
Two blondes are walking through the woods...

...when they come across a set of tracks.
"Those are rabbit tracks!" points out the first blonde.
"No, they're deer tracks," replies the other.
"Rabbit tracks!"
"Deer tracks!"
And they were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ld93r/two_blondes_are_walking_through_the_woods/
%
A married man goes into a confessional...

A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ld8gl/a_married_man_goes_into_a_confessional/
%
If you're Russian to go the bathroom...

And you're Finnish once you're done, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
..European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ld73f/if_youre_russian_to_go_the_bathroom/
%
What's the difference between an apple and a baby?

People didn't freak out for no reason when I started eating an apple in public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ld19y/whats_the_difference_between_an_apple_and_a_baby/
%
Is your refrigerator running?

Good, mine too. See you at the refrigerator race tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ld02b/is_your_refrigerator_running/
%
A Pirate Crew awoke to find their captain with a steering wheel down his pants...

The Captain was a fearsome man, so no one dared bring it up as they went about their daily routine as he barked orders. By nightfall, the First Mate couldn't stand it anymore and shouted
"Fer god's sake, Capn', ye do know you have a steering wheel down yer pants! It's been there all day!"
The Captain replied "Aye boy, I know! It be drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lczxn/a_pirate_crew_awoke_to_find_their_captain_with_a/
%
What's the definition of trust?

Two cannibals blowing each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lczct/whats_the_definition_of_trust/
%
Lady goes shopping

In a store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lcwer/lady_goes_shopping/
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I've never actually been caught smoking weed.

But I'm pretty sure my parents know sober people don't give goodnight handshakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lcw7l/ive_never_actually_been_caught_smoking_weed/
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring?

Genocide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lcvml/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do/
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Did you hear about the day when Hagrid took Harry, mashed him up, put him in a blender with ice cream and drank him?

Yer a Blizzard, Harry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lctu6/did_you_hear_about_the_day_when_hagrid_took_harry/
%
Whats the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese woman?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she understands...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lct8y/whats_the_worst_part_of_breaking_up_with_a/
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This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town...

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a whorehouse.
A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.
The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for.
He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"
"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"
"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lcqe8/this_guy_goes_out_with_his_buddies_for_a_night_on/
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Never judge too Quickly

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lcpjm/never_judge_too_quickly/
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How many lonely guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. But he wishes it took two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lcocd/how_many_lonely_guys_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
why is it hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac?

because they always take things literally!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lcnu7/why_is_it_hard_to_explain_puns_to_a_kleptomaniac/
%
I taught my parents something today...

...I guess they learned from their mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lckjn/i_taught_my_parents_something_today/
%
Like it or not...

That's how Facebook works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lchh2/like_it_or_not/
%
I Farted...

I farted infront of my Jewish friend and he got offended, i shrugged and said "what? A little gas never killed anyone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lch51/i_farted/
%
"IJK" I'm Just Kidding..

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lch3x/ijk_im_just_kidding/
%
"I can hear music coming out of my printer.

I think the paper's jammin' again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lcecv/i_can_hear_music_coming_out_of_my_printer/
%
These Mexican cannibals accidentally...

These Mexican cannibals accidentally kill a priest for their meal. One of the guys asks the cook "ay, what's for dinner?"
The cook says "tacos al pastor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lc935/these_mexican_cannibals_accidentally/
%
A Roman walks into a bar

He holds two fingers up to the barman and says "five beers please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lc8sk/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the spider cross the road?

To get to his website!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lc66x/why_did_the_spider_cross_the_road/
%
What does DNA stand for

National Dyslexia Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lc3i6/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
Thank you student loans, for helping me get through college.

I am forever in your debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lc3bm/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/
%
Bosses are like diapers...

Always on your ass and normally full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbzr5/bosses_are_like_diapers/
%
The son asks the father, how many kinds of boobs are there?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbxmx/the_son_asks_the_father_how_many_kinds_of_boobs/
%
Three girls are vacationing in Romania when they come across a gypsy

The gypsy says, "I'll bet you 20 leu each that I can guess which country you're visiting from just by looking at you." The girls think there's no way this hack gypsy can tell where they're from just by looking, so they take the bet. The gypsy scans them for a few seconds and says, "you're all American."
The first girl says, "damn, it was probably because of our accents!"
The second girl says, "damn, it was probably because of our clothing!"
The third girl asks, "damn, how did you know we were American?"
The gypsy says, "because you have Canadian flags plastered all over your bags."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbwem/three_girls_are_vacationing_in_romania_when_they/
%
[Request] Need jokes to cheer up BIL after surgery with less than desired results

Hi /r/jokes!
My brother-in-law had major surgery on his fully functional leg two days ago.  He came out of the surgery unable to move his foot.  There is no apparent reason for the lack of foot functionality.
I am here to request a wide range of jokes about his foot. Clean jokes to dark jokes that I can pair with his mood.  I came up with two:
My sister can run away and he can't catch her now.
and
Sucks that you have wee wee all over your foot now since the piggies can't run home.
... yeah... they aren't great.
Thanks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbus9/request_need_jokes_to_cheer_up_bil_after_surgery/
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We've updated Skype so you have the latest version...

it includes performance improvements and general fixes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbu5k/weve_updated_skype_so_you_have_the_latest_version/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbtqr/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
I like how you're thinking!

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one **sucking** her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbtk6/i_like_how_youre_thinking/
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There are five states of matter.

1. Solid
2. Liquid
3. Gas
4. Plasma
5. Black Lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbr96/there_are_five_states_of_matter/
%
Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"?

I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbpsc/remember_when_you_were_a_kid_and_when_you_cried/
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What does the chicken give you?

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbpbq/what_does_the_chicken_give_you/
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What do you call someone who can't turn pancakes?

A flip-flop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbp8e/what_do_you_call_someone_who_cant_turn_pancakes/
%
Master Yoda, what sound do sheep make?

Yoda: "Dey go bah"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lblsn/master_yoda_what_sound_do_sheep_make/
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The Fart

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted, and the microphone amplified it throughout the room. He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Solomon Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son , I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, ‘Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbivs/the_fart/
%
We got a new whiteboard at the office today...

It's remarkable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbh9b/we_got_a_new_whiteboard_at_the_office_today/
%
I once met a woman with wooden breast implants

This joke would be funny with a punchline, wouldn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbd21/i_once_met_a_woman_with_wooden_breast_implants/
%
What's the difference between a communist and a feminist?

The communist wants equality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbcnc/whats_the_difference_between_a_communist_and_a/
%
What is Hillary Clinton's favorite arcade game?

PAC-Man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lb7fc/what_is_hillary_clintons_favorite_arcade_game/
%
What kind of bees give milk?

Boo-bees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lb74d/what_kind_of_bees_give_milk/
%
Racist jokes are like a suicide bomber

They really clear the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lb5nl/racist_jokes_are_like_a_suicide_bomber/
%
A Nympho Walks Into a Sex Toy Store...

While the owner is out to lunch and says "I've tried everything: The Magic Mike, the Clarence Thomas, the Milton Berle. None of them are big enough. Do you have anything else?"
The clerk thinks a minute,  goes into the back. "this is completely unique, and self-warming with a patented clit loop. The boss was saving it for herself but I feel bad for you. I'll let you have it for $300."
The nympho leaves and the boss comes back and asks, "how was business while I was gone?"
"Great! I sold three butt plugs, one strap-on kit, and your Thermos."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lb5do/a_nympho_walks_into_a_sex_toy_store/
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What do you call a fascist fish?

Gill Duce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lb4pa/what_do_you_call_a_fascist_fish/
%
I once met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds weird....

...Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lb1oi/i_once_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples_sounds_weird/
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How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lavk6/how_many_friend_zone_guys_does_it_take_to_put_in/
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"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing...

Unless you're talking to someone at a funeral.
Dimitri Martin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lasnb/im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_same_thing/
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Three men work construction on a skyscraper

The three men have all been packed the same lunch for a month straight.
The brunette opens his lunchbox "Seriously!? Pizza again? If my wife packs this one more time, I swear I'm jumping off this building"
The red head opens his too "Gah, spaghetti once more! I'm with you. I'm jumping tomorrow if it happens again"
The blonde opens up to a PBJ sandwich "Yea, same here. Count me in."
The next day arrives and all 3 men receive the same lunch, so they jump to their death. The funeral is held the next day, with the brunette and red heads' wives in tears. Both exclaiming that if they only knew, they would have packed something different and they would still be alive. The women notice the wife of the blonde, standing there and not shedding a tear.
They ask the wife of the blonde "How can you not be upset? Your husband is dead because he kept getting the same food"
The wife of the blonde replies "Don't look at me. He packed his own lunch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4laqsu/three_men_work_construction_on_a_skyscraper/
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A Bridge to Hawaii

A man is cleaning out his garage and comes upon an old lamp. He figures what the heck, takes the lamp, rubs it off, and sure enough a Genie pops out. “Thank you for awakening me. I will grant you one wish.”
The man inquires “anything I want?"
“Yes, anything” says the Genie.
The man says “I’m afraid of flying but I’ve always wanted to visit Hawaii. I’d like you to build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive there and visit.”
“A bridge to Hawaii?!” the Genie replies, “That’s a really tough request. The water is up to a mile deep, the swells in that part of the Pacific sometimes reach 25 feet.
The bridge would have to be thousands of miles long. The amount of concrete and steel to accomplish that feat will have to come from somewhere, it will be nearly impossible. Can I implore you to think of a different wish?”
The man thinks for a bit. “OK then, I’ve always had trouble with women. Please grant me the ability to understand women.”
The Genie responds “so how many lanes you want on that bridge?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lapfu/a_bridge_to_hawaii/
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Why do farmers put bells on cows?

Their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4laju7/why_do_farmers_put_bells_on_cows/
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A killer jigsaw puzzle...

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started!”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, try and relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, and then we can put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4laixg/a_killer_jigsaw_puzzle/
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Sports injury

Last night on ESPN I was watching Women's beach volleyball.  About three minutes into the game, there was a really bad wrist injury.  The doctor said I should be fine in a few days though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4laitz/sports_injury/
%
A man walks into a bar

and goes up to the bar and asks the barman "Tell me, what is a quart? Is it 4 pints or 2?"
The barman says "It's 2 pints."
The man says "Are you sure? I thought *quart* had something to do with the number 4"
The barman explains "It's a **quart**er of a gallon, there are 8 pints in a gallon so a quart is 2 pints.”
The man says "Thanks so much" and leaves.
Later that day, he's back with a friend and now there is a barmaid serving. He tells the barmaid "Hey, the barman said he’d let us have our first drinks for free”
The barmaid is a bit dubious, so the man calls out to the barman from before, “Hey, its me again, just double checking, it was couple of pints, wasn't it?”
The barman shouts back “Yeah, that’s right, two pints.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lai8f/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why can't you play Uno with Mexicans?

They steal the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lai3i/why_cant_you_play_uno_with_mexicans/
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A professor at the University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Billy raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Billy replied, "Shit! From way back there I thought you said, "Goats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lai23/a_professor_at_the_university_was_giving_a/
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I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended.

Chemo patients are so sensitive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lafs6/i_told_a_girl_she_would_look_better_with_her_hair/
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I haven't told anyone but last night I let my husband indulge his "scat" fetish.

I'm glad I got that off my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4laf0z/i_havent_told_anyone_but_last_night_i_let_my/
%
I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won

I said, "yeah man, you're free!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lacyl/i_was_visiting_nyc_for_the_first_time_when_a/
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4 rules to a happy mariage

You need a women who loves you unconditionally. You need a women who will always challenge you. A women who you'll always want to make love to. Most importantly make sure these women never meet.
Obligatory, not my joke (as most on this subreddit.) Started watching Lie to Me and that's where I got it from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lacmu/4_rules_to_a_happy_mariage/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4labdt/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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Wife lets me be on top.....

Last night My wife let me be on top.
I fucking love bunk beds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4la9h3/wife_lets_me_be_on_top/
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A hunting crew enters a jungle and starts to hunt animals

They hunt all animals and birds that they can find for meat, fur, leather, fancy-feathers or just for the thrills of hunting. This goes on for days and then one day the lion king decides to hold a secret meeting to ensure their survival. So he gets the giraffes to round up all the animals they can find in a hidden spot.
Thousands of animals gather for the meeting. The king lion steps up and says "As you all know by now, a group of humans have invaded our jungle with guns and are killing us all. We have gathered here to find a way to stay alive."
The animals think and debate for a long time, trying to find out a way to escape the hunters, but in vain. Finally, an old chameleon who was listening from a tree asks a nearby monkey "Whats all the commotion?"
"Humans are hunting the animals and birds, we are trying to find a way to survive." says the monkey.
Being a kind creature, the chameleon decides to help. He imparts his wisdom about blending in to the animals and birds. All the animals thank him and decide to go hide in places where they blend in.
The lions go hide in the tall dry grass, the rhinos hide among the huge gray rocks, the monkeys climb high up in the trees, the polar bear goes back to arctic circle, the hippos blend in with the mud and so on.
This plan works good as the hunters search the trees, grasslands, mountains and the waters but don't find much. Days of silence follows and the animals stay under cover as planned. After few days some shots were heard, but nothing else followed for weeks. The animals hold on tight to their camouflage, not wanting to risk their lives.
Finally a month later, without getting much action, the hunting crew packs up their things and leaves the jungle. The monkeys and birds high up in the tree tops see this and spread the news about the departure. All the animals rejoice and the king decides to have a party to celebrate their survival.
Soon, the elephants are sounding the trumpets, monkeys are dancing and the birds are singing. All animals party hard. Amidst the celebration, the king lion notices that few of his brothers were missing. So he summons the minister tiger and enquirers about them.
The tiger, with his head hung down says, "The cheetahs tried to blend in the sandy mountains..."
"And?" the lion asks eagerly.
"... but they were spotted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4la8rb/a_hunting_crew_enters_a_jungle_and_starts_to_hunt/
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A man is walking along...

when he sees a ladder going straight up into the clouds. His curiosity gets the better of him so he starts climbing.
He reaches a cloud, upon which is sitting a stout, ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she says.
No thanks, thinks the man, so he climbs the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud is a slightly thinner woman, who is a bit easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she says.
"Well," thinks the man, "might as well keep going."
On the next cloud is another lady who this time is very attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
As he turns her down and goes on up the ladder, the man thinks to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud is an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the whole works. "Fuck me hard or climb the ladder to success," she begs.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who the hell are you?" the man asked.
"Hey cutie," said the ugly fat man, "my name is Cess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4la67y/a_man_is_walking_along/
%
Who build King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4la636/who_build_king_arthurs_round_table/
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What do you call a three-humped camel?

Pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4la4mf/what_do_you_call_a_threehumped_camel/
%
A girl comes crying into her mother's home

and says "He dumped me, I guess I'll never have sex with a boy again". Her mother asks the girl to follow her to the bathroom. From a hidden cupboard, she pulls out a pink dildo and gives it to her.
The girl angrily says "A dildo? I have to use a stupid toy to please me?"
"Its a magic dildo dear," says her mom calmly  "just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to please you and it will do the job."
So the girl goes to her house and says "Great Magic Dildo vagina." The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears her underwear and rapidly penetrates her pussy, exciting her like no man has. It makes her cum harder than ever before. The girl is very pleased and tired. She lies down on the floor holding the dildo in awe when her ex-boyfriend comes barging in and says "Hey listen, I want to talk to yo-*what* are you holding??"
"Its a Great Magic Dildo."
Laughing, he says "Yeah great magic dildo my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4la3gb/a_girl_comes_crying_into_her_mothers_home/
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What does an Indian kid say before leaving his house for the day?..

Mumbai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4la3c8/what_does_an_indian_kid_say_before_leaving_his/
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How many Asian-American actors does it take to change a light bulb?

None - because they would all be replaced by white actors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l9z5w/how_many_asianamerican_actors_does_it_take_to/
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Pedro was driving down a street when...

Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l9wma/pedro_was_driving_down_a_street_when/
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What do colleges and penises have in common?

They're both long and hard, unless you're Asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l9ve1/what_do_colleges_and_penises_have_in_common/
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Sometimes you need to look for the small positives in life.

Like a midget with HIV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l9s87/sometimes_you_need_to_look_for_the_small/
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Why don't people tell Chemistry jokes?

Because they never get a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l9oqf/why_dont_people_tell_chemistry_jokes/
%
Three men share a hotel room

in order to minimize costs, only to find out that the room only has one bed, so they share the bed with each other.
The next morning, the man sleeping on the right side of the bed says, "I had a dream that I got a handjob." The man on the left side of the bed said, "I also had a dream that I got a handjob."
The man sleeping in the middle remarked, "That's weird, I had a dream that I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l9jn2/three_men_share_a_hotel_room/
%
What do you call a snake that works for the government?

~~A civil serpent~~
Senator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l9bco/what_do_you_call_a_snake_that_works_for_the/
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Freudian slip

Two friends were talking, and one mentions to the other
"Man, I made a Freudian slip the other day at the airport. You know when you try to say something but accidently say something else that was on your mind?
I went to buy the plane tickets and the lady behind the counter had huge tits, so instead of saying
"Can I get two tickets to Pittsburgh" I accidently said "Can I get two pickets to Titsburgh"
His friend replies,
"Oh I know exactly what you're talking about! I was having breakfast with my wife the other morning and instead of saying 'honey can you pass me the orange juice' I said 'bitch, you ruined my life!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l96ml/freudian_slip/
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My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l94r4/my_grandpa_said_your_generation_relies_too_much/
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There are three men standing at the gates of heaven

Each of them must describe the way they died before entering.
The first man says, "Well, I had a suspicion that my wife might be cheating on me, so I came home early to our apartment to catch them in the act. At first, I'm walking around and I don't see anything. However, when I walk over to the window I notice that a man is dangling off of the balcony! Filled with rage, I grab a hammer and begin pounding at his fingers until he falls. Unfortunately, he didn't die because he landed on some bushes. Even angrier, I pick up the mini fridge in our kitchen and throw it down, killing him. But I became so worked up that I had a heart attack and died."
The first man passes through.
The second man steps forward and says, "So I was just minding my own business, washing the windows of an apartment building when suddenly I loose my footing and begin to fall. Fortunately, I was able to grab onto the balcony of a suite to save myself. But then some crazy guy runs out and starts hitting my hands with a hammer until I fall again! This time I landed on some bushes so I was ok, until this guy decides to throw down a mini fridge and kill me!"
The second man passes through.
The third man steps forward, and says,
"Picture this: I'm butt naked hiding inside a mini fridge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l910h/there_are_three_men_standing_at_the_gates_of/
%
I was flirting with this teenager on the internet...

...after a while, she tells me she's an undercover cop.
How cool is that for someone her age?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l90lk/i_was_flirting_with_this_teenager_on_the_internet/
%
What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l8ye5/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
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I must be a geologist

I keep finding a new rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l8ww5/i_must_be_a_geologist/
%
The presidential footrace

Recently, Obama completed the annual race around the White House grounds to attempt to beat the previous president's record. After his stunning performance, he ended up with a time of 9:52, narrowly missing the record. Unfortunately, he soon learned that Bush did 9:11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l8wlq/the_presidential_footrace/
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A serial killer leaves his mark on his victims by cutting off their left hand and right leg.

Authorities say something sinister is afoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l8vxw/a_serial_killer_leaves_his_mark_on_his_victims_by/
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an old man died and was delivered to the local mortuary.....

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l8uy9/an_old_man_died_and_was_delivered_to_the_local/
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What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l8nnl/whats_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
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Elderly couple

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.  Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l8mtp/elderly_couple/
%
I accidentally pooed my pants in an elevator.

I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l8ilq/i_accidentally_pooed_my_pants_in_an_elevator/
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Three women are on death row...

and about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready.....Aim....." Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready....Aim...." The redhead then screams, "Tornado!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready....Aim...." The blonde shouts, "Fire!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l8fbg/three_women_are_on_death_row/
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A Puerto Rican meteorologist sought counseling.

When asked "why?" he replied, "Tropical Depression."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l8a2f/a_puerto_rican_meteorologist_sought_counseling/
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What do you call a 6 feet tall circle that recently got his diploma from college?

A Graduated cylinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l86qm/what_do_you_call_a_6_feet_tall_circle_that/
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What's the difference between an old joke and a new one?

Nothing. We're on reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l85ta/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_joke_and_a/
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I was in the living room and a book fell on my head.

I've only got my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l84r2/i_was_in_the_living_room_and_a_book_fell_on_my/
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I can't get my dog to stop chasing people on bikes.

I guess I'll have to take his bikes away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l84dx/i_cant_get_my_dog_to_stop_chasing_people_on_bikes/
%
How do you make a swiss roll?

Push him down a hill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l83lw/how_do_you_make_a_swiss_roll/
%
How do 5 gay men walk?

One Direction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l827s/how_do_5_gay_men_walk/
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ilove my family...

For his birthday, I gave my son an iPhone.
My daughter received an iPod for hers.
For my birthday, I was pleased to receive an iPad.
My mother was given an iMac for her birthday.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon. And that’s when the fight started…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l81xw/ilove_my_family/
%
If you ever feel unimportant...

Just remember Windows 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l80wo/if_you_ever_feel_unimportant/
%
I just pimped my car.

Now it has extra whorespower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7vwy/i_just_pimped_my_car/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to...

...Oh shit, they're done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7vee/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to/
%
Did you hear about the math teacher who forgot his lunch money?

He buynomeal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7r5n/did_you_hear_about_the_math_teacher_who_forgot/
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What do vegan zombies eat?

~Graaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnsssssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7r1s/what_do_vegan_zombies_eat/
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What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7qy0/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
An Italian, a Swiss and a black guy are sitting at the river...

The Italian guy hangs his penis in the water and says: "With my penis alone I can tell that the water is about 20 degrees".
The Swiss guy follows. "I can do better. My penis tells me the water is actually 23.5 degrees".
The black guy also hangs his penis in the water. "Well, my penis tells me the water is 1.2 meters deep"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7pup/an_italian_a_swiss_and_a_black_guy_are_sitting_at/
%
What's a Mexican's favourite sport?

Cross country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7pmo/whats_a_mexicans_favourite_sport/
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What do you call a group of well-endowed, homosexual physicists?

Large hardon colliders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7oy9/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_wellendowed/
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What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

Very hungry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7mu4/what_did_the_homeless_man_get_for_christmas/
%
What do Native Americans call vegetarians?

Poor hunters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7kwb/what_do_native_americans_call_vegetarians/
%
Every 5 out of 6 people say Russian Roulette is fun...

I wonder why the sixth guy hates it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7kh0/every_5_out_of_6_people_say_russian_roulette_is/
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How do you tell the difference between a Northern and a Southern zoo?

A Northern zoo has a large plaque in front of each animal cage.  The plaque list the genus, species, common name, average life span, habitat and diet of the animal.
A Southern zoo has a recipe in from of each animal cage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7ibc/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_northern/
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What do you call the entrance to a prostitute's house?

Hodor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7gsi/what_do_you_call_the_entrance_to_a_prostitutes/
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Roses are red, violets are blue

Vodka is cheaper than dinner for two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7fbt/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
A body builder takes off his shirt.

A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"
He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"
He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his clothes back on and chases behind her. He finally catches up with her and asks why she ran like that.
She says, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7e8h/a_body_builder_takes_off_his_shirt/
%
A man dies and goes to hell.

The devil explains to him, "We have a new program here.  You get to choose one of three rooms in which to spend eternity.
The devil takes him to the first room.  Inside are a large number of naked people, all standing on their heads.  He takes the man to the second room.  Inside are more people, all naked and standing on their heads, and there is an icy wind blowing on them.  They go to the third room.  Inside are naked people standing knee-deep in manure, standing around, sipping coffee and chatting.
The man thinks, "This doesn't look so bad.  I'd eventually get used to the smell."  He tells the devil that he'll pick the third room.
"All right," the devil says, "but you can't change your mind.
So the man wades on in, gets a cup of coffee and starts chatting with the others.  All of a sudden a huge demon enters the room, cracks a whip and roars, "All right, coffee break's over!  Everybody get back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7c5x/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
What kind of farm has lots of books but no livestock?

Barns and no-bulls.
(This joke was made up by my 7 year-old cousin.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7bb6/what_kind_of_farm_has_lots_of_books_but_no/
%
A reporter is looking for someone to interview at the Summer Olympics

He sees a man carrying a twelve-foot pole and asks, "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
The man replies, "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l79q1/a_reporter_is_looking_for_someone_to_interview_at/
%
Why wasn't Daredevil in Civil War?

He doesn't work well with Vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l79p7/why_wasnt_daredevil_in_civil_war/
%
I used to work at a sewage plant...

... I saw some serious shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l7898/i_used_to_work_at_a_sewage_plant/
%
The baby

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”
“Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l77ih/the_baby/
%
My wife was counting all our pennies out on the kitchen table...

My wife was counting all our pennies out on the kitchen table, when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, “She’s going through change.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l77b4/my_wife_was_counting_all_our_pennies_out_on_the/
%
What's the difference between Santa Clause and a Pedophile?

Nothing, they both like to unload their sacks while pleasuring children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l75es/whats_the_difference_between_santa_clause_and_a/
%
Why do Cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6xi1/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
What are you called if you are paid to be a thing?

A pro-noun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6wr9/what_are_you_called_if_you_are_paid_to_be_a_thing/
%
Synonym rolls...

Just like grammar used to make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6tdb/synonym_rolls/
%
Was asked to change my password

Tried to login and the system indicated I have to change my password
Please enter your new password:
"cabbage"
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
"boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
"1 boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
"50bloodyboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,
IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow”
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIf
YouDontGiveMeAccessnow”
Sorry, that password is already in use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6spn/was_asked_to_change_my_password/
%
My Grandfathers story

My Grandfather told me a story today from many years ago.
He said he and my grandmother were driving down a long and dusty back road, sun beating down on a hot summers day.
When all of a sudden, they  see an elderly lady walking a long the back road. Puzzled, my Grandfather pulls over to see if she's alright.
'Excuse me ma'am, are you ok' my grandfather asks.
'I'm fine sonny, I just got a little lost walking to the shops' she replies.
'Well you're going in the complete wrong direction, the shops are about 10 miles here. It's a long way to walk for yourself and that heavy suitcase, how about we give you a lift?' He queries.
She agrees and gets into their car clutching her suitcase.
She and my Grandmother exchange pleasantries and begin chatting.
They talk about all manner of things, knitting, church, their grandchildren. Anything that comes to mind.
My Grandmother being the curious type that she is, noticed that the elderly woman was holding her suitcase very tightly.
'If you don't mind me asking, what's in the suitcase?' My Grandmother asked.
'I do mind you cunt. It's none of your fucking business' she snaps.
Grandpa said he and Grandma were taken aback by her comment, but she was old and she may have dementia or something similar. They decide to leave it alone and not confront her.
After a few miles of awkward silence my Grandfather decides to chirp up.
'So, you have a favourite football team?' He cautiously asked.
'Why yes I do sonny, I'm a 49ers fan through and through. How about you darling?' She sweetly surprised.
My Grandparents were amazed at her turn around, she was a sweet old lady again.
The elderly lady and my Grandfather talk football for miles.
Her love of Jerry Rice, his love of the Cowboys; they actually had a lot in common.
He being the smart arse that he is decided to try his luck.
'Hey uh, what's in the suitcase?' He queried.
'I already told you dumb dog fuckers, nothing. If you ask me again I'll rip your  eyeballs out and shit down your eye sockets. It's none of your fucking business' she snapped once again.
Realising something was wrong, my grandparents realised they needed to get rid of this woman.
'Excuse me sir, I really need to go to the bathroom. Would you mind pulling over?' The elderly lady asked.
A prime opportunity.
As the elderly woman exits the car my grandfather drives off like a lunatic, speeding and swerving all over the road.
My Grandmother looks over where the old woman was sitting to see  she had left her suitcase in the car.
'Wow' I said to my Grandfather 'That's crazy' I continued.
'I know, craziest day of my life' he replied.
'So what was in the suitcase?' I asked.
'None of your fucking business' he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6rwo/my_grandfathers_story/
%
Two Jews walking down the street

Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.
**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**
"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"
"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."
Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.
Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.
"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.
Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6pgi/two_jews_walking_down_the_street/
%
Everytime we have sex my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager.

I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6mkr/everytime_we_have_sex_my_girlfriend_wants_to/
%
Why were all the computers in the company frozen?

Because they let IT go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6m6k/why_were_all_the_computers_in_the_company_frozen/
%
a man dies and goes to hell

when he arrives a demon tells him how hell works. "there are three doors, each door has a different event behind them. you get to pick one to experience for eternity." says the demon. he opens door number one and theres a man burning for all of eternity "nope" says the man. he opens door number 2 and theres a man being skinned "nope" he said again. and finally door number 3 was opened and inside there was a man getting a blowjob by a really hot girl "i pick this one!" said the man. "fine" said the demon as he walked over and tapped a
girl on the shoulder and said "your time is up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6jt1/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
What do you call a nice Jewish Lyft driver?

an Uber Mensch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6jly/what_do_you_call_a_nice_jewish_lyft_driver/
%
A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them, "what kind of noises did you hear at the farm?"

The first kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the cow go moo!"
The second kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the pig go oink!"
The third kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the farmer yell 'get off my tractor you little fucker!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6jd1/a_class_of_3rd_graders_return_from_their_field/
%
I was asked who my favorite x-men was.

I guess Caitlyn Jenner wasn't a good answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6hut/i_was_asked_who_my_favorite_xmen_was/
%
I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years.

She hates to be interrupted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6hnk/i_havent_spoken_a_word_to_my_wife_in_years/
%
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6e2x/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
I like my women like I like my golf scores

In the 80s, with a slight handicap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6d9y/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_golf_scores/
%
Medical Miracles

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to contact Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'  She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes, and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'
Yes I am.  How did you know?'
He winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l6a3q/medical_miracles/
%
I remember the last thing my grandfather ever said to me before he kicked the bucket...

He said "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l688g/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandfather_ever/
%
I laugh at anyone who proudly states they are getting a degree in Gender Studies.

Not because I'm sexist, but because that's a stupid-ass thing to get a degree in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l61z1/i_laugh_at_anyone_who_proudly_states_they_are/
%
What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabidoooo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l61v8/what_is_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
%
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an acronym?

An acronym stands for something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l61f8/whats_the_difference_between_hillary_clinton_and/
%
Why did Germany lose WW2?

Three Reichs and you're out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l616e/why_did_germany_lose_ww2/
%
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”

I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l5okb/has_your_son_decided_what_he_wants_to_be_when_he/
%
How do alien sport teams get to the game?

In the sportsmanship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l5lza/how_do_alien_sport_teams_get_to_the_game/
%
If I kept a record of how many steps I walk every day in a file...

Would it be called a Pedofile?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l5lz7/if_i_kept_a_record_of_how_many_steps_i_walk_every/
%
Little Johnny was in Sunday school...

... and when the teacher was asking questions about the church, Johny realized the girl named Suzy was sleeping the whole time, and when she was called on, he poked her hard in the back with his pencil to try to wake her up and help her. The teacher asked Suzy "Who is our Lord and Savior?" He poked the pencil hard in to her kidney to wake her  Suzy up, "JESUS!" She yelled angrily. The teacher called on Suzy again and asked " Who created the heavens and the earth?", Little Johny poked her once again, and Suzy yelled abruptly "GOD ALMIGHTY", her face steaming with anger as she went to sleep. The teacher called on Suzy one more time and "What did Eve say to adam after having their 47th child?" Johny jabbed her for her response, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME ILL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS" yelled Suzy furiously. The teacher then collapsed and fainted on the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l5l63/little_johnny_was_in_sunday_school/
%
I was wondering how close the twister was...

The answer blew me away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l5ki9/i_was_wondering_how_close_the_twister_was/
%
My jokes aren't bad

People I tell them to are just laughtose intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l5k22/my_jokes_arent_bad/
%
One time there was two farmers

that lived out on the road to Plato, Missouri. They was always good friends, and Biil’s oldest boy had been a-charmin’ one of Sam’s daughters. Everything was going fine till the morning they met down by the creek, and Sam was pretty god damn mad. “Bill,” says he, “from now on I don’t want that boy of yours to set foot on my place.”
“Why, what’s he done?” asked the boy’s daddy.
“He pissed in the snow, that’s what he done, right in front of my house!”
“But surely, there ain’t no great harm in that,” Bill says.
“No harm! hollered Sam. “Hell’s fire, he pissed so it spelled Lucy’s name, right there in the snow!” 	“The boy shouldn't have done that,” says Bill. “But I don’t see nothing so terrible bad about it.”
“Well, by God, I do!” yelled Sam.” “There was two sets of tracks! And besides, don’t you think I know my own daughter’s handwriting?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l5h9d/one_time_there_was_two_farmers/
%
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l5cmf/a_wife_and_her_husband_were_having_a_dinner_party/
%
How I escaped Iraq??

Iran!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l5a4t/how_i_escaped_iraq/
%
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room...

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily.
My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care.
His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes.
My pulse was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.
This is a man, I thought.
A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking ‘no’ for an answer.
A man who would tell me what he wanted.
A man who would look into my soul and say...
“Okay, ma’am, you can board your flight now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l57p9/he_grasped_me_firmly_but_gently_just_above_my/
%
Howard and Dale walk into a bar

They sit down at the bar and see people scuba diving on the tv.
"So here's a question" says Howard "How come scuba divers sit on the side of the boat with their oxygen tanks facing outward, and fall backwards off the boat?"
Dale thought for a minute and then said "Thats easy, if they fell forward they'd still be in the frigging boat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l57bh/howard_and_dale_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What does Einstein drink with breakfast?

Relativitea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l55pi/what_does_einstein_drink_with_breakfast/
%
Why did the detective wear a patch on his left eye?

It's his private eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l54n2/why_did_the_detective_wear_a_patch_on_his_left_eye/
%
I lost my watch at a party once...

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l53ul/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
%
What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l53c4/what_do_you_call_a_singing_laptop/
%
RIP evaporated water....

...You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l4uq0/rip_evaporated_water/
%
What kind of bees produce milk?

Boo-bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l4t0t/what_kind_of_bees_produce_milk/
%
This weekend while shopping in a local toy store...

This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel.
As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others.
I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.
“Danny,” I said going up to him, “I didn’t know you were a collector!”
“I’m not,” he replied.
“Oh,” I said, “You’re buying a gift, then.”
“No, not at all,” my friend responded.
“If you don’t mind my asking then, Danny,” I said, “Why are you standing in this line?”
“Oh that,” he answered. “It’s like this,” my friend stated, “I’ve never been able to resist a barbie queue!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l4qd3/this_weekend_while_shopping_in_a_local_toy_store/
%
so a guy is having drinks at a bar.

After a while he looks over and sees a huge jar stuffed to the brim with 20 dollar bills. He asks the bar tender " hey whats with the jar? Theres gotta be at least 4 grand in there?" to which the bar tender replies " oh, you wouldn't wanna know. Its just a running bet"
The guy says " try me. I love bets"
So the bar tender explains, " well first you gotta leave a $20 in the jar." Then he points to a tall man in the corner. He's 6'2" with the biggest muscles in the bar. The bartenders says " once you leave the $20 you gotta walk to lenny over there and knock him out cold. After that, you gotta go out into the alley. Theres a real old pit bull with a bad tooth. you're gonna have to do him a favour and pull the tooth. After that the last thing you gotta do is head up stairs. We have a very old prostitute named patty in her 80's and you have to pleasure her completely like shes never been pleasured before. Once you do all that, you win the jar."
The guy just laughs, " wow that's fuckin crazy. I cant believe you have had that many people attempt this before." He chuckles to himself and goes back to his beer. After a few hours and one too many drinks, the guy looks over at lenny thinks " that guy isn't even that tall or buff. I could deck him. Besides what's the worse that could happen?" drunkenly he chugs his beer and walks over to lenny. The guy makes one clean punch to lennys face and lenny falls to the floor knocked out cold. At this point the bar is silent now. Everyone is watching the guy.
The guy starts heading for the back door and grabs a drink out of someone's hand, chugs it and tosses the glass. Then continues to head to the back alley.
Everyone in the bar is still silent and all they can hear is the roughest fight coming from the alley way. There's a cacophony of screaming and howling that goes on for nearly half an hour. Suddenly it stops. The drunk guy stumbles in, covered in blood and sweat. His clothes are disheveled and torn here and there. He drunkenly limps to the bar tender and says " alright man, Wheres that hooker with a bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l4n5y/so_a_guy_is_having_drinks_at_a_bar/
%
There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science

0: Naming things
1: Cache invalidation
2: Off by one errors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l4jjm/there_are_2_truly_difficult_problems_in_computer/
%
Where do theatrical cats wear their gloves?

On their...
Dramatic Paws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l4hd8/where_do_theatrical_cats_wear_their_gloves/
%
What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic?

They both like to crack open a cold one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l4fw6/what_is_similar_about_a_necrophiliac_and_an/
%
A young computer science student is on the phone with his father...

His father says: "so how have your classes been going?"
The son replies: "not bad. I did really well on my test on hexadecimal today! It was only worth fifteen points, but I'm still happy about it."
"Oh yeah? What grade did you get?"
"An F!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l4bpq/a_young_computer_science_student_is_on_the_phone/
%
What is a dilemma?

Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says: "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."
"Let me tell you a story," says the other man, "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."
"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.
"To whom do you turn your back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l47il/what_is_a_dilemma/
%
a guy checks into a questionable hotel with his family

as they're checking in, he takes the desk clerk aside. he says, "listen I never stayed here before, I'm with my family, if theres any pornography in the room can you make sure it's disabled please?" the clerk looks at him and replies, "you sick bastard! the pornography in the rooms is regular and doesn't cater to your disgusting fetish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l42l6/a_guy_checks_into_a_questionable_hotel_with_his/
%
Why are ships' portholes round?

So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l41yr/why_are_ships_portholes_round/
%
What does a Jewish man get when he runs into a wall with an erection?

a broken nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l40pk/what_does_a_jewish_man_get_when_he_runs_into_a/
%
I just got back from my friend's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball...

It was a lovely service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3zum/i_just_got_back_from_my_friends_funeral_he_died/
%
So a man goes to see his doctor...

A man goes to see his doctor, and says, "Doc, I want to live to be 100 years old. I'd like you to tell me what my chances are."
The doc says, "Alrighty. Let's start with some basic questions. Do you drink?"
"No," the man says, "never touched a drop in my life."
"Well," says the doctor, "do you smoke?"
"I've never had so much as a puff of anything, ever!" replies the man.
"Do you ever mess about with women?" the doc enquires.
"No, sir, I like to live clean!" says the man.
The doctor looks at him, puzzled, and says, "Then why the HELL would you want to live to be 100?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3yjd/so_a_man_goes_to_see_his_doctor/
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What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?

Just trying to fit in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3xkc/whats_the_hardest_part_about_being_a_pedophile/
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How do you know you're at a gay BBQ?

All the hot dogs taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3wqz/how_do_you_know_youre_at_a_gay_bbq/
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What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?

Liquor in the front poker in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3whl/what_does_a_good_bar_and_a_good_woman_have_in/
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Did you hear about the African man who refused to accept the fact that he couldn't swim?

They say he died in denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3vgv/did_you_hear_about_the_african_man_who_refused_to/
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"I see" said the blind man

as he picked up his hammer and saw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3sub/i_see_said_the_blind_man/
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Today, at the train station, my mood ring was stolen...

but I'm not sure how I feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3sar/today_at_the_train_station_my_mood_ring_was_stolen/
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Why won't people let Hitler go to the Bar-BQ?

He'll just burn the Frank's!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3rnn/why_wont_people_let_hitler_go_to_the_barbq/
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Gordon Ramsay rejected all the photos taken to showcase his latest menu ...

... they were formatted RAW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3rkg/gordon_ramsay_rejected_all_the_photos_taken_to/
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A man is driving past a farm when he runs over a rooster...

He feels bad about it, so he collects the rooster and goes to knock on the door of the farmhouse.
When the farmer opens the door, the man says, "I'm afraid I've run over your rooster, it was out in the road. I really do apologize, and I'm more than happy to replace him."
The farmer has a puzzled look for a moment, but then says, "Well, if you really want to go around back and fuck the hens, be my guest, but I'd rather you just pay for a new rooster."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3q1q/a_man_is_driving_past_a_farm_when_he_runs_over_a/
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Heaven was getting crowded...

...so one day, God decided that for the next day only people who had a terrible day were to be let into Heaven.
The next day, Saint Peter is waiting at the Pearly Gates. The first man walks up and he asks, "What happened on the day you died?"
The man says, "Oh it was awful! I thought my wife was having an affair, so I came home from work early. I saw her sitting in bed, but then I heard someone on the balcony. I went outside and saw someone hanging off. This was clearly the guy who was sleeping with my wife, so I went inside and got my hammer. I hammered at his fingers and he fell into the bushes. For good measure, I threw my refrigerator over the balcony onto him. The stress from the whole situation gave me a heart attack, and now here I am."
Saint Peter couldn't deny that this was a terrible day, so he let him into heaven. The next man comes to the Gates and he asks him, "What happened on the day you died?"
The second man says, "You wouldn't believe it. I was doing ballet in my fifth floor apartment, and I fell off my balcony. Thankfully I was able to grab onto the third floor balcony. I was screaming for help, and then this guy comes outside and starts hitting my fingers with a hammer. Thankfully, when I fell down I landed in some bushes. But then this maniac drops a refrigerator on me! That's what happened."
Saint Peter laughed, "Alright, you had a bad day, go right in." The third man comes to Saint Peter, and he asks, "What happened on the day you died?"
So the third man says, "Alright, so picture this. I'm sitting in a refrigerator naked..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3oa9/heaven_was_getting_crowded/
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2 blondes

A blonde was driving home when she was pulled over by a female cop, also blonde.
"Can I see your ID?" says the cop.
The blonde starts rummaging through her purse and is getting flustered. "What's it look like again?"
"It's small, rectangular and looks just like you"
The woman hands the cop a small mirror. "Like this?"
"Oh," said the cop. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a cop too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3m5s/2_blondes/
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A young woman

was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3l9m/a_young_woman/
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Some surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work...

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and ass are interchangeable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3gtk/some_surgeons_were_taking_a_coffee_break_and/
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A chinese father tells his 7 year old son he's adopted

His son replies: it's ok daddy I learned this in school already! 2 wongs don't make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3g9i/a_chinese_father_tells_his_7_year_old_son_hes/
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A group of accountants and a group of engineers take a trip together on a train

The 3 accountants each buy tickets, but the 3 engineers only buy one ticket to share. "How do you think that's going to work?" asks one of the accountants. "You'll see.", an engineer responds.
As the train leaves the station, all 3 of the engineers pile into a bathroom and when the conductor knocks on the door, one arm comes out through a narrow crack in the door to give him the ticket.
The accountants all agree that this is a great way to save money, so on the return trip, the accountants only buy one ticket, but the engineers don't buy any tickets. "How do you think that's going to work?" asks an accountant. "You'll see." responds an engineer.
As the train leaves the station, all three accountants pile into one bathroom and an engineer knocks on the door and says "Ticket, please.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3d39/a_group_of_accountants_and_a_group_of_engineers/
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What do you get if you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber?

No one knows. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l3b5m/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_mosquito_and_a/
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English is hard to understand

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l347t/english_is_hard_to_understand/
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My dog has no legs. I call him Cigarette.

Every night I come home from work, I take him for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l31gv/my_dog_has_no_legs_i_call_him_cigarette/
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Three women worked in the same office...

Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, the boss left work early.
One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband.
But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," she said. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2wmn/three_women_worked_in_the_same_office/
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The two secrets of life

1. Don't tell everyone everything you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2u1m/the_two_secrets_of_life/
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs inside a volcano?

Anakin Skywalker.
(Happy Geek Pride Day!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2tau/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2qh0/if_theres_a_bee_in_my_hand_whats_in_my_eye/
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MASTURBATE JOKE

DAD: Son if you masturbate to much you'll go blind
SON: Hey dad I'm over here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2no5/masturbate_joke/
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Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?

The can't handle stares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2nlk/why_cant_people_in_wheelchairs_be_looked_at_for/
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What is a pirates least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am
We are cutting your internet connections for the following reasons: 1. Illegal downloading.
Thank you, and have a nice day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2lh5/what_is_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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The trouble with jokes about herbal tea...

Is that you can see the punchline camomile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2iyb/the_trouble_with_jokes_about_herbal_tea/
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Why did the guitarist get arrested?

He was arrested for fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2icl/why_did_the_guitarist_get_arrested/
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A feminist walks into a bar

Just kidding she couldn't fit through the doorway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2fa4/a_feminist_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do you find an inconvenient proof?

With an Al-Gore-rithm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2e6n/how_do_you_find_an_inconvenient_proof/
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A vegan, an atheist, and a CrossFit enthusiast walk into a bar.

I only know because they wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2dud/a_vegan_an_atheist_and_a_crossfit_enthusiast_walk/
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Recently I was asked how I view Lesbian relationships...

apparently, "In HD" was not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2dbf/recently_i_was_asked_how_i_view_lesbian/
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A Church threw a Celibacy Party.

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2bhz/a_church_threw_a_celibacy_party/
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9/10 people actually enjoy

a group rape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2aab/910_people_actually_enjoy/
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My wife left me

According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around.
In my defence, she's in a wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l27my/my_wife_left_me/
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What's the difference between a suicidal ghost hunter and a weaboo alcohol taster?

One drinks bleach and watches spirits; the other drinks spirits and watches Bleach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l26b1/whats_the_difference_between_a_suicidal_ghost/
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A man went to see a shrink

He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l232a/a_man_went_to_see_a_shrink/
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The Smart Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up.
He wakes the blonde and hands her $500 the blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l22u3/the_smart_blonde/
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I like to play chess with old bald men at the park.

..Although its hard to find 32 of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2268/i_like_to_play_chess_with_old_bald_men_at_the_park/
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In the early 20th Century,

Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.
Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.
To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l1xit/in_the_early_20th_century/
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What's Emperor Palpatine's favorite kind of cheese?

"Gouda, gouda..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l1vaq/whats_emperor_palpatines_favorite_kind_of_cheese/
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Mozart took a young wife, as was common in the day.

After a very brief first night together, he felt inspired to write a song.
He called it Minute in A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l1u82/mozart_took_a_young_wife_as_was_common_in_the_day/
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What was the Olympic lifter missing from his bar ?

Weight for it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l1scl/what_was_the_olympic_lifter_missing_from_his_bar/
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Pierre, the French fighter pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our hero stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
Marie, fearing for Pierre's mental security, grabbed and threw the pilot into the river too, in the hopes it would bring him back to his senses.
Alas, it did little good, for Pierre was truly *in Seine.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l1qtd/pierre_the_french_fighter_pilot/
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If I had a dollar every time someone called me sexist...

I'd have enough money to sponsor the repealing of the 19th Amendment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l1pcc/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_someone_called_me/
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What do you call a city-dwelling dwarf that keeps perfect time?

A metro-gnome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l1nxn/what_do_you_call_a_citydwelling_dwarf_that_keeps/
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An Irish man walks out of a bar.

Hey, it could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l1mjw/an_irish_man_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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Did you hear about that guy who was crushed by his Honda?

Police say he died of his own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l1l7q/did_you_hear_about_that_guy_who_was_crushed_by/
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Do you know what a woman says when she sees a big dick?

I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l1gtz/do_you_know_what_a_woman_says_when_she_sees_a_big/
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Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there.  Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.
Monica says "That's not a clock".
To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l1g90/bill_clinton_says_hey_monica_you_want_to_see_the/
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What's better than 29 year olds?

20 9 year olds ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l1edv/whats_better_than_29_year_olds/
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Jupiter came down to Earth one day

... and helped these two criminals plan a bank robbery. Unluckily enough they both got caught. After the trial, the judge sentenced the two earthlings to fifteen years behind bars. Jupiter was way beyond shocked to get arrested too. Even more so when the judge handed down a ten year stretch himself. “But your honor, please... I didn’t even take part in the robbery!” said Jupiter. “Yes” replied the judge. “But you did help them Planet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l1e2s/jupiter_came_down_to_earth_one_day/
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I nearly puked on my girlfriend, but she moved out of the way just in time

She ducked my sick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l19h3/i_nearly_puked_on_my_girlfriend_but_she_moved_out/
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Who was the world's first carpenter?

Eve. She made Adam's banana stand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l198y/who_was_the_worlds_first_carpenter/
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How do we know the toothbrush was invented in west virginia?

if it was invented anywhere else it would be the teethbrush
idk how this got a dirty label

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l18wr/how_do_we_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
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Unfortunate sign in discount warehouse near a retirement community:

Shop till you drop!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l11h0/unfortunate_sign_in_discount_warehouse_near_a/
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Why did the old lady fall into the well?

Because she couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l0zre/why_did_the_old_lady_fall_into_the_well/
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The only gorilla at the zoo dies...

...right before the zoo opens. The gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l0zfg/the_only_gorilla_at_the_zoo_dies/
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You know, they're making the prospective Mars astronauts shave their whole bodies prior to departure. That way, when it's time for blastoff...

they'll baldly go where no man has gone before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l0zch/you_know_theyre_making_the_prospective_mars/
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What did the oxygen atom say to the two hydrogen atoms?

Man! This threesome is getting me wet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l0vx7/what_did_the_oxygen_atom_say_to_the_two_hydrogen/
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What did one strand of yarn say to the other?

I'm not ready to dye, I still have a few ends to tie up.
"Ball up..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l0vii/what_did_one_strand_of_yarn_say_to_the_other/
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So many people try to be hip

To me it is kind of a waist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l0rka/so_many_people_try_to_be_hip/
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What kind of bagel can fly?

A plane bagel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l0ojy/what_kind_of_bagel_can_fly/
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Where do poor meatballs live?

In the Spaghetto.
(I 've seen this on reddit before, one of my all time favorites though!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l0ml6/where_do_poor_meatballs_live/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A "Lickalotofpuss".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l0jqi/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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Why can't you email a photo to a Jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l0gs8/why_cant_you_email_a_photo_to_a_jedi/
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I ordered a penis enlarger from eBay last week.

The bastard sent me a magnifying glass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l0cyt/i_ordered_a_penis_enlarger_from_ebay_last_week/
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In the light of the amazing 3 guys in a jungle and a genie joke.. the 2nd greatest joke ever.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared. "Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said. "I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great." "Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended. "What is your second wish?" - genie asked "I want another two lines of the best stuff on the world." Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: "And your third wish?". "Two lines of the best stuff on the world again." Two lines appeared again and they were on high. When the effect ended, the genie appeared again: "So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l0cws/in_the_light_of_the_amazing_3_guys_in_a_jungle/
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A man gets lost hiking in

the Chinese forest in the middle of winter. After days without food or water, fighting the cold, he sees a large house in the distance. With the last bit of his strength he treks to the house and collapses on the front step after knocking on the door. An extremely old man answers the door and helps get the lost man inside the house for warmth. "Thank you so much." the hiker says. "If I could pay for you a meal, a night's stay, and directions back to the city, I'll be out of your way in the morning." The old man thinks for a second, and responds "You may have all of that, with the one condition that you don't lay a finger on my granddaughter. If you do, I'll have to perform three ancient Chinese torture tactics on you." The man, not thinking it will be a problem agrees.
The old man leads the hiker to a spare bedroom on the fourth floor of the house, tells him to shower and come down for dinner. The old man's granddaughter joined them for dinner, and sure enough, she was drop dead gorgeous. She flirted with him all through the meal.
As night fell, the man made every attempt to be strong, before sneaking into the granddaughters bedroom after deciding that he wasn't scared of the old man's torture tactics.
The next morning the man awoke, with a large 50 pound rock on his chest. The rock had a note that read "Chinese Torture Tactic #1: Large rock placed on chest." The man laughing at the "torture" simply picked up the rock and tossed it out of the window. The moment the rock left his hand he saw a second note on a second side of the rock that read "Chinese Torture Tactic #1: Large rock tied to right testicle." The man, panicking for only a moment decides to jump out of the fourth story window after the rock to avoid losing his manhood. The man throws his body out the window, reading a third note on the window frame as his body flies towards the ground: "Bed frame tied to left testicle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l08kp/a_man_gets_lost_hiking_in/
%
Go away bee, don't bother me.

A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l0605/go_away_bee_dont_bother_me/
%
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started rubbing himself, and moaning, "Oh! I need a bike! I need a bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzzqy/a_few_months_after_his_parents_were_divorced/
%
An Alzheimer's patient walks into bar...

to get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzw1u/an_alzheimers_patient_walks_into_bar/
%
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen...

Embarrassed and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was just an insect."
To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzvud/a_family_is_driving_behind_a_garbage_truck_when_a/
%
What do you call a shed full of black people?

Antique farm equipment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzuh3/what_do_you_call_a_shed_full_of_black_people/
%
Wendy was a prostitute.

Wendy was a prostitute and didn't want her granny to know.
One day police came across the brothel that she worked at and ordered all prostitutes to stand in a line, so that they could take their names one by one.
Suddenly, granny comes along and notices Wendy in the line which was now leading outside, and so she walked up to her and said.
"Wendy dear, why are you standing in this line full of prostitutes?"
Wendy lied and told granny that the police were giving out free oranges, and she wanted some.
"That's nice." Said granny and so she went to to back of the line as she wanted some for herself.
Eventually the police get to her and say "Tut tut tut, still at it your age old lady, how do you do it?"
Granny smiles and simply replies "It's easy dear, I just pull the skin back and suck them dry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzu6o/wendy_was_a_prostitute/
%
What's the similarity between a marriage and a tornado?

At the start there's lots of sucking and blowing but in the end you lose your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzs2f/whats_the_similarity_between_a_marriage_and_a/
%
A man fell into a river. Why did he refuse help?

He was in The Nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzr8n/a_man_fell_into_a_river_why_did_he_refuse_help/
%
Procrastination is just like Masturbation

It's fun while you're doing it until you realize all you did was fuck yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzr68/procrastination_is_just_like_masturbation/
%
A man lies naked on the beach...

But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully nude. The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would raise itself, if you weren't that ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzp8j/a_man_lies_naked_on_the_beach/
%
My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.
It's what he would have wanted...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzkaj/my_friend_tommy_drowned_the_other_day/
%
I can fit the lyrics of the song 'Uptown Funk' into any conversation that I have...

Don't believe me? Just watch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzjkz/i_can_fit_the_lyrics_of_the_song_uptown_funk_into/
%
Q: A man walks into the bar and sees a sign:

Handjob: $5
Cheese sandwich: $2
He walks over to the bartender, a big boobied blonde, and asks:
“Are you the one giving out handjobs?”
“Why yes I am!”, she replied, smiling and sticking out her chest.
“Okay,” he said: “Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzi6c/q_a_man_walks_into_the_bar_and_sees_a_sign/
%
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Ferrari?

With a porcupine, the prick is on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzhhu/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
%
A tangent applied for a credit card, but was denied.

He couldn't find anyone willing to cosine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzg53/a_tangent_applied_for_a_credit_card_but_was_denied/
%
A cop pulls a car over for speeding...

A cop pulls a car over for speeding.
The guy tries to defend himself by saying, "I was just going with the flow of traffic."
The cop replies, "Ever go fishing?"
"Yeah."
"Ever catch ALL the fish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzatl/a_cop_pulls_a_car_over_for_speeding/
%
What's the main use for leather in the world?

Holding cows together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kz9ze/whats_the_main_use_for_leather_in_the_world/
%
A guy is running low on gas

so he stops at a gas station with a sign that says:
"If you fill up, you have the chance to free sex!"
It fills the tank to the rim, completes the checkout process and asks for free sex.
"Ok" says the attendant, "call me a number between 0 and 10."
"7" says the guy .
"That was close. The number was 8, maybe next time."
3 weeks later the guy again stops at this gas station, this time he brought a friend. He refuels brim, proceed to checkout and asks for free sex.
"Give me a number between 0 and 10."
"2"
"My God, really annoying was the number three. They were again very close tuned. I would try it again, as close as they were off."
The two guys drive away and the friend says, "I mean that's a fraud, you'll never win the free sex. He just wants to sell a lot of gasoline."
"No, no " says the guy, "my wife has already won twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kz3jy/a_guy_is_running_low_on_gas/
%
What's the difference between snowmen and snowomen

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kz3id/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowomen/
%
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...

...they would eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kz33r/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
%
What's the number one cause of dry skin?

Towels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kz0sf/whats_the_number_one_cause_of_dry_skin/
%
What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kz00g/whats_a_comedians_least_favorite_drink/
%
An elderly couple's road trip around south east England

*(Note for those unfamiliar with the British road network: 'A' roads are main, or arterial, roads and they are all identified by 'A' and a number.)*
An elderly man is driving his wife on a road trip around the south east of England. Shortly after getting on to the A2, a police car signals them to pull over, and the old man obliges. The police officer walks up to the driver's side and the old man winds down the window.
The policeman asks him, "Is there something wrong with your car, sir?"
"No. I don't think so."
"Then why were you driving so slowly?"
"Slowly?"
"Do you have any idea what speed you were doing?"
"Yes. Exactly 2 mph."
"The speed limit along here is 70 mph. You can't drive that slowly. It's very dangerous."
"Oh. I thought the speed limit was 2 mph, as it's the A2."
"It is the A2, but the speed limit along here is 70 mph. I will let you off for now, but you need to speed up to around that speed."
The old man agrees to do so. As the police officer is about to return to his car, he looks over at the old lady in the passenger seat and sees that she has been staring dead ahead for the whole time and is covered in sweat, shaking. He asks what's wrong with her.
"Oh her? She's been like that since the A259."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kyx1d/an_elderly_couples_road_trip_around_south_east/
%
I used to feel like boy trapped in a woman's body

But then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kyx01/i_used_to_feel_like_boy_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
%
A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies. "I would like some breakfast"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kyqlc/a_man_stumbles_into_his_house_early_in_the_morning/
%
I asked my English teacher whether I should pronounce "either" as "ee-ther" or "eye-ther"

He said, "You can say either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kyq5z/i_asked_my_english_teacher_whether_i_should/
%
Why did the Frenchman not want two eggs for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kypgp/why_did_the_frenchman_not_want_two_eggs_for/
%
A poor man asked a rich man, "How much money do you have to earn before you're satisfied?"

The rich man replied, "More."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kyp16/a_poor_man_asked_a_rich_man_how_much_money_do_you/
%
98% of black people love having sex in showers

The other 2% haven't been to prison yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kyjv4/98_of_black_people_love_having_sex_in_showers/
%
what is a 4 person rock group that doesn't play music

mount rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kyjck/what_is_a_4_person_rock_group_that_doesnt_play/
%
I have a midget friend...

He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living.
I call him "Little Seizures".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kyig6/i_have_a_midget_friend/
%
What happened to Han when Chewie wouldn't do the marathon?

He Ran Solo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kyedl/what_happened_to_han_when_chewie_wouldnt_do_the/
%
I was searching for bear photos

When I made a grizzly discovery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kye1u/i_was_searching_for_bear_photos/
%
I had a Bernie supporters joke.....

But most of them don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kyd12/i_had_a_bernie_supporters_joke/
%
I like my asshole just like my women's pussy

Without some other guy's dick in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kycyh/i_like_my_asshole_just_like_my_womens_pussy/
%
My girlfriend let out a huge sigh during sex

then I had to tape back the hole I punctured in her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kyc4a/my_girlfriend_let_out_a_huge_sigh_during_sex/
%
Strangely Named

There were once three children, whose names were rather unfortunate
The first child was named "none of your business"
The Second child was named "Manners"
The third child was named "Trouble"
Trouble was lost, so none of your business and manners went to the local police station for help, manners was terrified of the popo, so none of your business went in alone.  A policeman was waiting near the entrance.
Policeman: Hello, what's your name
None of your business: None of your business
Policeman: Hey, where's your manners
None of your business: They're don't wanna be here
Policeman: Are you looking for trouble?
None of your business: Yup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kyblo/strangely_named/
%
A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kyane/a_teacher_asks_her_class_to_use_contagious_in_a/
%
Has anyone seen the movie Constipated?

No? Thats because it never came out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ky8pq/has_anyone_seen_the_movie_constipated/
%
THIS JUST IN: Foreign suppliers of shredded cheese on strike.

Eyewitnesses report protesting workers holding signs that read: "MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ky861/this_just_in_foreign_suppliers_of_shredded_cheese/
%
I went to a premature ejaculaters anonymous but nobody was there.

I guess I came too soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ky77r/i_went_to_a_premature_ejaculaters_anonymous_but/
%
Are you half decapitated?

Because this joke is poorly executed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ky5ch/are_you_half_decapitated/
%
Where do Muslims go when they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kxxx9/where_do_muslims_go_when_they_die/
%
...and the bartender hands him an apple

So I was sitting at the bar one day, and I say to the bartender
"Hey barkeep, can I get a rum and coke?"
"Sure thing! Just give me one second!"
The bartender grabs the rum, he grabs the coke, and puts an apple on the bar
"Hey what the hell is this"
"Take a bite"
I took a bite and was amazed
"Holy shit this take like rum"
"Turn it around"
I turn the apple around and take a bite
"Holy shit it taste like coke"
The bartender laughs and just says
"I'm a mixologist"
I called up one of my buddies and told him to get down to the bar as soon as possible, he comes in and I tell him to order some kind of mixed drink
"Alright I want a Gin and Tonic"
"Gin and tonic coming right up!"
The bartender grabs the gin, he grabs the tonic and comes back and puts an apple on the bar.
"WHAT THE FU-"
I cut him off, "take a bite"
He takes a bite
"Woah Tonic"
The bartender says "turn it around"
Confused my friend spins the apple and takes a bite "AND THERE IS THE GIN!! WHAT HOW?!?"
The bartender laughs and says "I'm a mixologist"
So my buddy and I were enjoying our flavored apples when one of our mutual friends walk in
I say to him "DUDE ASK THIS BARTENDER FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, HE HAS WHAT YOU WANT, AND HE PUTS IT IN AN APPLE."
Our mutual friend looks at both of us, chuckles when he sees his pals in the bar freaking out about apples. "Alright bartender I want your finest....pussy"
"Uhhh, let me see what I can do"
The bartender goes into the back and not more than a minute later comes back and puts an apple on the bar "Take a bite"
Our buddy takes a bite and immediately spits it out "WHAT THE FUCK MAN THIS TASTE LIKE ASS"
The bar keep smiles and says..."Turn it around"
I'm sorry if it's not funny over text but this is my all time favorite joke to tell, I hope you guys enjoy it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kxww3/and_the_bartender_hands_him_an_apple/
%
If Trump is the answer....

How stupid is the question?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kxvln/if_trump_is_the_answer/
%
How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ?

When you ask them "2+2 is ?":
- The bad accountant will say "5"
- The good accountant will say "4"
- The excellent accountant will say "how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kxvia/how_to_tell_the_difference_between_a_bad_a_good/
%
Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag?

A: "What did you name the other one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kxsp2/q_what_did_the_blonde_customer_say_after_reading/
%
How many Hilary Clinton supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None- they prefer to be kept in the dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kxr91/how_many_hilary_clinton_supporters_does_it_take/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women.

Without some other guy's dick in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kxq17/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
Why did Steve Jobs eat all the cookies?

Mac users have no CTRL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kxpk5/why_did_steve_jobs_eat_all_the_cookies/
%
My Science Book's Favorite Joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. They find a beautiful spot and set up their tent. After a full day of enjoying nature, they go into their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later,  Holmes wakes Watson and says, "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson is awestruck. After a moment, he says, "I see countless stars." Mr. Holmes replies, "What does that tell you?" Watson considers for a moment and says, "It tells me that the universe is vast, and it will probably take us several lifetimes to gain even a small amount of understanding as to how it functions and what our place in it is." Holmes asks, "Anything else?" Watson thinks for a moment and says, "Based on the position of the stars, I would say that it is approximately two o'clock in the morning." Once again, Mr. Holmes asks, "Anything else?" Desperate now, Watson replies, "Because the sky is so clear, we will probably have a beautiful day tomorrow." Once again, Mr. Holmes asks, "Anything else?" Frustrated, Mr. Watson says, "I can't think of anything else. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment and then says, "Someone has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kxn97/my_science_books_favorite_joke/
%
Three little people are sitting at a bar.

The first little person says, "I have pretty small feet, more so than anybody else I know. In fact, I think I could make the Guinness World Record for smallest feet."
The second says, "I have never met a grown man as short as I am. I think I'll go to apply with Guinness for the 'world's shortest man' award."
The third says, "Mine is better than both of yours. Do you see these hands? I bet you've never seen hands this small before. They're going right into the world records book."
They collectively agree to go to Guinness and request to be added to the book. The first man walks right into Guinness's building, proud and certain that he will get the record. He walks out and shouts triumphantly, "I got it! World's smallest feet!"
The second walks in after the first comes back, and a few minutes later he walks out. "I got it! World's shortest man!"
The third man walks in, even more confident than the first two. When he exits a few minutes later, he's *pissed*. He shouts, "Who the hell is Donald Trump?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kxhtl/three_little_people_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kxgfn/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Why is the moon tastier than Earth?

It's meteor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kx9qt/why_is_the_moon_tastier_than_earth/
%
Why don't ants get sick?

Because of their tiny little anty bodies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kx93g/why_dont_ants_get_sick/
%
Where did Mary go after the explosion??

EVERYWHERE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kx53k/where_did_mary_go_after_the_explosion/
%
What do you call an edited series of MILF videos?

A Momtage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kx4pu/what_do_you_call_an_edited_series_of_milf_videos/
%
What is the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kx3oy/what_is_the_stupidest_animal_in_the_jungle/
%
What do you call the sweat on your balls after sex with your cousin?

Relative humidity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kx14d/what_do_you_call_the_sweat_on_your_balls_after/
%
How did the headless chicken cross the road?

In a KFC bucket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwzph/how_did_the_headless_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Helen Keller

walks in to a bar....
Then a table...
Then a chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwysj/helen_keller/
%
Grammar Nazis really make me fuhrious.

I'm sorry. That joke was really out of mein kampfort zone.
Anne Frankly, it was just bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwy8e/grammar_nazis_really_make_me_fuhrious/
%
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Blind, probably.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwx3w/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
%
What do you call a dachshund with no hind legs and balls of steel?

Sparky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwwsp/what_do_you_call_a_dachshund_with_no_hind_legs/
%
The Bus Driver

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwupr/the_bus_driver/
%
Everyone always pets my pregnant wife's stomach and says 'congratulations'

but no one ever rubs my balls and says 'good job'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwsa7/everyone_always_pets_my_pregnant_wifes_stomach/
%
Extreme Sexual Exhaustion

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwp4s/extreme_sexual_exhaustion/
%
Do not open if you don't condone sick humour

Saw a sick post and thought some golden oldies were left off, don't read them if you think you may be offended by dark humour. These may apply more to British people but hey ho there'll be a few everyone will understand.
Here's a few I can remember
What's the most effective kind of birth control?
Cervical cancer.
What do jade goody and maddie McCann have in common?
Both died without pubes
What do maddie McCann and the titanic have in common?
Both led at the bottom of the ocean filled with seamen
Ever been caught wanking in the shower?
I have. Needless to say it ruined the family trip to auschwitz
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?
Harry Potter made it out of the chamber
Who are the worlds fastest readers?
The victims of 9/11. They went through 80 stories in three seconds.
I was thinking of doing a triathlon in memory of the victims of hills borough. Football, fencing and squash.
Why did Jenny fall of the swing?
Cause she has no arms
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not Jenny cause she's got no arms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwkti/do_not_open_if_you_dont_condone_sick_humour/
%
Woman at the pharmacy

A woman goes into a pharmacy. She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwi1n/woman_at_the_pharmacy/
%
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, or two? One .... or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwguh/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why is flour so dumb?

It's inbred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwff2/why_is_flour_so_dumb/
%
A man walks out of a bar...

He's completely trashed.
Swaying from one side of the street to the other, he stumbles towards his home, when he sees a nun walking in front of him.
With considerable effort he catches up to her and taps her on the shoulder, twice.
As soon as she turns around, he punches her right in the face.
Losing two teeth, she stumbles backwards and raises her arms. He punches her again, a lot harder this time.
She hits the ground and starts to beg for mercy: "Please, just leave me be. By god, why are you doing this?"
He grins from one ear to the other, and says:
"Not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwdxo/a_man_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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A man walks into a bar looking to buy a glass of 50 year old scotch

He says to the bartender, "My good man, I have a thirst that can only be quenched by glass of 50 year old scotch. I'm a connoisseur of sorts, so don't try and trick me. I'll be able to tell the difference!"
The bartender, a little annoyed, goes to the top shelf, grabs a bottle of scotch, and pours the man a glass. The man takes a sip, savors it for a second, then says "I said 50 YEAR OLD scotch! This one can't be more than 15 years old! I said don't try and trick me you twat! Lets try that again!"
The bartender reaches on the same shelf for another bottle of scotch, pours the man a glass, and the man takes a sip. "I said FIFTY! This one can't be more than 35 years old! What are you trying to do here? If I don't get a glass of 50 year old scotch, I'll be taking my business elsewhere!" The man boasts.
Seeing the aggravation on the bartenders face, an older gentleman, sitting two stools over, slides his glass over to the man and says "Here. Try this."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out all over the bar. "Good god man! THAT TASTES LIKE PISS!" yells the man. Now laughing hysterically, the older gentleman turns to the man and says "Yeah?! Well? Tell me how old I am!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwdq8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_looking_to_buy_a_glass_of/
%
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?

To break on through to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwcow/why_did_jim_morrison_cross_the_road/
%
A guy arrives late from work...

He lays down on the sofa and asks his wife: "Bring me a beer honey, before it starts". His wife brings him the beer. He drinks it and ask again, she brings another one. He asks her for the third time and she goes off: "Can't you bring it by yourself you lazy ass? You are such an idiot, why did I marry you, you piece of...". The guy sighs and says: "And so it begins".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kwbnn/a_guy_arrives_late_from_work/
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What's the difference between a stoner and a Jew?

A stoner gets baked more than once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kw9np/whats_the_difference_between_a_stoner_and_a_jew/
%
"Daddy every time you go on a business trip mommy likes to bird watch"

"Oh yeah? Where's her favorite spot to bird watch?"
"The bedroom"
"What do you mean?"
"Well every time you leave mommy comes home with her bird watching friends and when they go into the room after awhile I hear her friend say " Swallow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kw7my/daddy_every_time_you_go_on_a_business_trip_mommy/
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Sex after surgery...

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked ... “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied ... “Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kw5bl/sex_after_surgery/
%
Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvy08/why_do_birds_fly_south_for_the_winter/
%
A Texan got accepted to Harvard

A week before classes started, he decided to tour the campus to see where everything was. After a while he got lost, so he went up to a professor and asked "Do you know where the library's at?"
The professor replies, "Sorry, here at Harvard we don't end our sentences with prepositions."
After a few seconds of thinking, the Texan asks, "Where's the library at, asshole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvwcc/a_texan_got_accepted_to_harvard/
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What does a bowl of spaghetti and a degree from Phoenix online both have in common?

If it ends up on your wall you're probably retarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvwaq/what_does_a_bowl_of_spaghetti_and_a_degree_from/
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What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

Quatro sinko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvvh1/what_do_you_call_four_bullfighters_in_quicksand/
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What do you call it when a man has a beer in each hand?

Irish handcuffs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvtyv/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_man_has_a_beer_in_each/
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!''
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly.
The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvsxy/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant_with_a_fullgrown/
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A mother has 3 kids

.
The first kid goes up to her mom and says,
"Mommy, why I am I named petal?"
The mom responds, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The second child goes up to her mom and says, "Why am I named Rose?"
The mom says, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head
Finally, the third child comes up and says, "My favorite color is potato."
"SHUT UP BRICK"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvppa/a_mother_has_3_kids/
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Towel

Paddys wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married .
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help .
Being a bit tight , he decides not to by a fan , but asks his friend to waft a towel over them during the act .
After half an hour still no sign of success so his mate suggests swapping places . ' I'll have a try Paddy , you waft the towel '
Paddy agrees , and after two or three minutes Paddys wife has a moment of sexual pleasure for the first time in 15 years .
Paddy turns to his mate smugly and says 'And that old mate is how you waft a bloody towel' !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvpgx/towel/
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A woman goes to confession, tells the priest she has deviant sexual thoughts...

She says she cant help these sexual thoughts and doesnt know what to do. It has gotten so bad she even stopped wearing panties. The priest says, "ok my child. I want you to do 10 hail marys 5 our fathers and 43 cartwheels."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvo02/a_woman_goes_to_confession_tells_the_priest_she/
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Golfers Will Make Any Excuse for Another Hole (Golf Humor)

It's said that a golfer will make any excuse to their loved one to play more golf. The story goes a gentleman (our main character) picks up a few rounds of golf with some of the guys at the office once a week after work. On this particular evening a few rounds turned into a few more, and a few more, and (as most games do) a few more. Looking at the time, our protagonist has a sudden shock, he's late, beyond late. His wife will certainly break and burn his clubs after this one. So he makes like a tree and leaves.
It's beginning to pour rain as he's driving home, and on the side of the road he spot a damsel with her car broken down. He pulls over offers help, she asks for a ride home and so she can leave her car till after the rain calms down.
Having arrived at her house, she ask if he can come in to make sure everything is safe. He's really late to get home to his wife but she persists and he folds. After going in she offers him a drink to repay him for the ride, he insists that he must head home to his wife, she persists and he folds. There's no debate as the two begin embracing each other, tearing at each others clothes they enjoy the company of each other (to say the least). Now fast forward.
He's beyond late at this point, he's cheated on his wife, he doesn't know what he could possibly say to his wife to fix this. He decides he can't lie, he has to be honest with her. Walking into his house he finds the living room light on, his wife sitting in the arm chair, red in the face with fury as she's waiting to hear what he has to say. He comes clean, he explains the girl on the side of the road, explains that what he thought was a good deed became sour real quickly. His plea for forgiveness silences as he looks to her for a response, for a moment all is quiet. Suddenly she speaks... "Bullshit you played another few rounds of golf didn't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvnvc/golfers_will_make_any_excuse_for_another_hole/
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Why did the Mexican throw his wife into the river?

Tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvnlr/why_did_the_mexican_throw_his_wife_into_the_river/
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World's shortest joke

Your penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvm88/worlds_shortest_joke/
%
I may have Alzheimer's...

... but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvl1h/i_may_have_alzheimers/
%
How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not three.  It's still dark in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvjyq/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvjd8/how_many_super_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Renewing public sector is like moving a graveyard.

You won't get much help from those already there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvjb1/renewing_public_sector_is_like_moving_a_graveyard/
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Did you hear Donald Trump was in a fantasy action movie?

He was the White Power ranger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvi3h/did_you_hear_donald_trump_was_in_a_fantasy_action/
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What's the difference between Mexicans and Jesus?

Jesus didn't have tattoos of Mexicans all over *his* body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvhbf/whats_the_difference_between_mexicans_and_jesus/
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Blind friend and a cheese grater

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kvctc/blind_friend_and_a_cheese_grater/
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Why do we live in a society where pizza arrives faster than police do?

Because the pizza guy has consequences for not doing his job correctly.
"Oh damn, shots fired!"
But not by the pizza guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kva3a/why_do_we_live_in_a_society_where_pizza_arrives/
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Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kv8mj/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
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Q: What came first; the chicken or the egg?

A: The rooster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kv0jl/q_what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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Crossing the Border

A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kuxaf/crossing_the_border/
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What's the worst part about being a pedophile?

Trying to fit in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kuw3w/whats_the_worst_part_about_being_a_pedophile/
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Is Jon Stewart the Last Airbender?

Because just when the world needed him most, he vanished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kuutw/is_jon_stewart_the_last_airbender/
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A man walks into a library ...

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that new book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kuswl/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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Curiosity killed the cat.

NASA apologized profusely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kush4/curiosity_killed_the_cat/
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Big John

A man moves from New York City to the heart of Texas and applies for a job as a bartender.
The owner of the bar says to the man, "You know it's pretty rough around here, I'm not sure you could handle it, There's a stabbing about every night."
The man says he can handle himself, he's seen a lot, and in the big city he had to be tough.
The owner continues to warn the man, "There's also a shooting about once per week..."
Again the City slicker assures the bar owner that he can handle himself and he's still interested in the job.
The owner agrees to put the man on and starts giving some instructions.
"This here bartop is solid oak and has been here for about a hundred years.  It's practically indestructible and has withstood all the barfights, shootings and stabbings.  When things get rough - and they *will get rough*, I just want you to hunker down behind the bar, stay safe and don't worry about any messes, I'll take care of everything."
The man agrees and is excited about getting started.
Then the owner remembers one last thing.
"One more thing, ", he says, " if you ever hear someone say 'Big John is coming', you just get out of town as fast as you can, don't stick around, don't waste any time, just get out and get out fast!"
That seemed a little over cautious to the man but he agreed.
So weeks and months go by with the man doing a great job mixing drinks, talking to people and staying safe through all the shootings and stabbings.  He's got his routine down pat.
Then one night he hears someone yell, "Big John's coming!".
The man stops and thinks, trying to remember what he was supposed to do, and by the time he looks up, the bar is cleared out, nobody in sight.
The man goes to leave the bar, but he sees a **Gigantic** man heading right toward the bar.  The man is shirtless and muscular, riding a mountain lion and swinging a rattlesnake above his head.
Terrified, the man runs back into the bar and hunkers down behind the oak bar.
In bursts the big man, knocking the saloon doors off their hinges.  Gigantic booming footsteps shake the floor as he approaches the bar.  He peers over the bar and shouts at the bartender, "WHISKEY!"
Shaking, the bartender finds a bottle of whiskey and nervously pours a shot for the big man.
The big man drinks the shot and slams the glass back down on the oak bar, and a crack starts to form in the bar.
"THE BOTTLE!!" shouts the big man, and the bartender hands it to him timidly."
The big man snatches the bottle, bites the neck off of it and swallows the glass, then drinks the entire bottle down and when he slammed the bottle on the bar it splinters into a million pieces leaving the bartender exposed.
He looks up at the big man and manages to stutter out, "C-Can I get you an- anything else...sir?"
The big man replied, "NO! I gotta get outta town.  Big John's coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kunfs/big_john/
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TIL that in 2015 Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald became one of the first ever same sex couples to get married in Ireland.

They're perfect for each other because Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kufhb/til_that_in_2015_gerald_fitzpatrick_and_patrick/
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I'm never buying a fish fryer from Linkin Park ever again.

I fried so hard, and got sole far, but in the end it doesn't even batter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ku9mz/im_never_buying_a_fish_fryer_from_linkin_park/
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ku2jk/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
%
I was golfing with my wife when on the 7th hole...

my ball landed right behind an old shed. The windows were busted out and my wife said "You're pretty good I bet you could put it right through the windows and it would roll right up to the green". So I tried and it ricocheted off the building and killed my wife.
A year later I was golfing with a buddy and my ball landed in almost the same spot. My friend said "why don't you try and put it through the window. I looked at him and said "ABSOLUTELY NOT! last time I tried that I got a double bogy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ku0l6/i_was_golfing_with_my_wife_when_on_the_7th_hole/
%
A man lets his dog out onto the back garden.

He sees his neighbor over the fence and walks over to talk to him.
"Morning, how's things?" he asks.
"Yeah, good actually, just bought a rabbit and a new hutch for the kids" he replies. "they love it".
They finish talking and later that night the man lets the dog out again.
When he calls it back in, the dog has the lifeless rabbit hanging from its mouth.
He starts cursing and panics, jumping over the fence and puts it back in the hutch.
The next morning when he lets the dog out he sees the neighbor again.
Again he asks how things are.
"Not good" says the neighbor.
"Oh, how come? " asks the man, acting daft.
"Well, the rabbit died suddenly yesterday. Kids are distraught"
"Oh dear" the man says keeping up his act.
"Yeah, well we buried it" the neighbour continues.
"Yeah?" Queries the man.
"Yeah, and some sick bastard dug it up and put it back in the hutch. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ktyd2/a_man_lets_his_dog_out_onto_the_back_garden/
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Satan walks into a church....

Satan walks into a church and sits down next to a guy.  Satan asks the guy his name, the guy says Fred.  Satan than asks why are you not afraid of me? Fred says, I've been married to your sister for 40 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kty3h/satan_walks_into_a_church/
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A horse enters a bar...

A horse enters a bar
Upon seeing it, the barman says, "Why the long face?"
The horse, unable of understanding human language, shits on the floor and leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ktv6r/a_horse_enters_a_bar/
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Why do no communists drink Earl Grey tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kttge/why_do_no_communists_drink_earl_grey_tea/
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What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a Disney movie?

Disney movies can still touch little kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ktt6w/whats_the_difference_between_michael_jackson_and/
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Biggest C##t competition

Paddy and Mick talking in the pub, Mick says 'you are a cunt, you've always been a cunt and you always will be a cunt, everything about you makes you a cunt, an utter cunt and complete cunt. In fact if you entered a cunt competition you'd come 2nd'
Paddy says 'why wouldn't I come first?'
Mick replies '...because you're a cunt...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ktpia/biggest_ct_competition/
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I heard diarrhea is hereditary...

It runs in your jeans. (Ba dum tss)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ktoke/i_heard_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid...

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ktjwm/today_im_going_to_open_up_the_time_capsule_i_made/
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What does sex and basketball have in common?

I'm too short to play
:(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ktczd/what_does_sex_and_basketball_have_in_common/
%
The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I...

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I.
Her hair was brown, her eyes baby blue, I knew exactly what she wanted to do.
And so, with courage, I did my best and laid my hand upon her breast.
Her face was light, her body fine, I ran my finger down her spine.
I trembled in shock, I felt her heart, slowly she spread her legs apart.
I knew she was ready... but I didn't know how, for this was my first experience at milking a cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kt94w/the_sky_was_blue_the_moon_was_high_we_were/
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I don't worry about Friday the 13th.

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kt90q/i_dont_worry_about_friday_the_13th/
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When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea

Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kt67h/when_my_grandfather_died_we_scattered_his_remains/
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Welcome to the Alzheimer's information support page...

...please enter your 17 digit password.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kt5kl/welcome_to_the_alzheimers_information_support_page/
%
Why do ants get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kt3zd/why_do_ants_get_sick/
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Two guys are hiking through the woods...

And they come into a clearing with a huge hole in the middle. The hole is very deep, the men can't see the bottom, it's just black. So one of the guys picks up a few rocks and tosses them in. They both wait to hear the rocks hit the bottom, but they never do. So the second guy picks up a pretty big rock, and heaves it into the hole. Again, they listen but never hear the rock hit the bottom. They're both amazed at how deep this hole must be. So the first guy sees a railroad tie at the edge of the woods. They both grab an end and lug it over to the hole, and toss it in. They're waiting to hear it hit, when out of nowhere a goat comes bounding out of the woods, ears pinned back, just running as fat as it can. The goat jumps into the hole. They're both stunned, and just stand there staring at one another for a couple of minutes. An old farmer walks out of the woods, and brings them back to reality. The old farmer asks if the men had seen a goat. They both start telling the farmer about how the goat had come running out, and jumped into the hole. The farmer stops them and says, "nah, that couldn't have been mine. I had my goat tied to a railroad tie".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kt3mm/two_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods/
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In Bed With The Wife

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her gina. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing, taking all your pajamas off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my private parts. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier!"
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kt21r/in_bed_with_the_wife/
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I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.

But none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kt19h/i_have_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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Sherlock Holmes - Elementary Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
- Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
Watson replies, - I see millions of stars.
- What does that tell you?
Watson ponders for a minute.
- Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
- Watson, you're idiot, someone has stolen our tent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kswcj/sherlock_holmes_elementary_dear_watson/
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A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff together.

Ba-dum-tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ksvqc/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fell_off_a_cliff/
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What do you call a midget fortune-teller who's on the run from the law?

**A small medium at large.**
^(Hope this doesn't get posted often)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kss3t/what_do_you_call_a_midget_fortuneteller_whos_on/
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What begins with S, ends with X and will change your life?

Smallpox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ksr22/what_begins_with_s_ends_with_x_and_will_change/
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How to lose weight

- Doctor, I'm fat, how do I lose weight?
- Just move your head from left to right and from right to left.
- How many times , doctor ?
- Every time someone offers you food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kspjt/how_to_lose_weight/
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*Air horn sound*

*Second airhorn sound*
Me: "Well this clearly isn't deodorant."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kspjb/air_horn_sound/
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection of Pixar films except one.

He's never going to give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ksjjo/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
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What do you call the sweat that forms on a guys scrotum while he copulates with his sister?

Relative humidity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ksilv/what_do_you_call_the_sweat_that_forms_on_a_guys/
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What's the difference between a corn husker with epilepsy and a prostitute with dysentery?

One shucks between fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ksgqk/whats_the_difference_between_a_corn_husker_with/
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What do you call an Egyptian spine adjuster?

A Cairopractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ksgar/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_spine_adjuster/
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Life is all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ks7h9/life_is_all_about_perspective/
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What do you call an amorous vampire?

A neck-romancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ks6hb/what_do_you_call_an_amorous_vampire/
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Why did the creepy hipster get arrested?

because he was following people before instagram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ks2ny/why_did_the_creepy_hipster_get_arrested/
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A physicist is sitting in a bar looking glum...

...so the bartender asks him "Hey man, what's the matter?"
The physicist replies, "Everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ks25e/a_physicist_is_sitting_in_a_bar_looking_glum/
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2 blondes are hammering nails into the side of a garage...

One of them has a problem.  She holds each nail in place, but ends up tossing every other one on the ground.  Finally she says "Hey, half of these nails are bad - the sharp end is pointing away from the wall!"
The other blonde replied "You idiot, those are for other side of the building!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ks0k7/2_blondes_are_hammering_nails_into_the_side_of_a/
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An engineer dies and is arriving at the Pearly Gates...

An engineer dies and is arriving at the Pearly Gates. He comes up to Peter and Peter looks in his book but can't find the engineer's name. Peter said to the engineer "Unfortunately, since I can't find your name in the book, you'll have to go to hell." The engineer goes on his way without any protest.
A few weeks later, Peter is looking through his book and he finds the engineers name. He calls down to Satan, panicked, to try and correct his wrong and bring the engineer home. After explaining the situation, Satan promptly tells Peter that they're keeping the engineer. Peter is flabbergasted and demands to know why they won't let the engineer go. Satan responds that since the engineer has been there, he installed a new aqueduct system that made hell quite a bit more pleasant and he had a few more plans ready to really improve the place. Peter demands that they let the engineer go, but Satan refuses. In a last-ditch effort to save the engineer's soul, Peter yells in desperation "then we're just going to sue you!" To which Satan replies "Yeah? Where are you gonna get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4krt3u/an_engineer_dies_and_is_arriving_at_the_pearly/
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comes into a coffee shop...

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: “I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights”
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, “This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!”
“No,” the cook says, “3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up.”
“Oh,” says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
The guy says “What are the beans for?”
The waitress replies “I thought that, while you’re waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4krt2t/comes_into_a_coffee_shop/
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What does Batman take with his drinks?

Just ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4krrkx/what_does_batman_take_with_his_drinks/
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Sunday School

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4krmkp/sunday_school/
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"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work."
"Why not?"
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4krlon/mommy_what_were_you_doing_bouncing_on_daddys/
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There once was a man named Yuri

Yuri had lived in Russia all of his life, in a small town near Moscow. The town had horrible weather conditions almost all of the time and very few people lived there. Everyone living in the town was struggling to survive in such poor conditions. Yuri had lived alone in a small house in this town. He worked every day at a factory that was close to this town. It was hard work, and Yuri was never very happy with his work, but he kept enduring the rough conditions to be able to have an income. Yuri's life had been like this for several years, and he had endured many hardships during these times.
Every day, while Yuri was taking his walk to the factory before work began, he always passed by a large billboard on the side of the road. The billboard changed every month or so, usually showing an irrelevant advertisement for something that Yuri had little interest in. Today, however, Yuri noticed a new advertisement on the billboard. It read, "SWIMMING LESSONS" in large letters, accompanied by a picture of a large man swimming through the water. This ad had given Yuri something to be interested in. He had always had an intense passion for swimming, but it was always too difficult to practice in the frigid waters of the lake near his home. Yuri continued to read the ad before he finally came to the price: 5000 Rubles base fee.
Yuri was sad, because this was much more than Yuri could afford to spend. However, he thought to himself, "If I could save up enough money from the factory work, then by the end of the month, I should have enough..." After this, he decided that day that he would work as hard as he could to make sure he had enough money by the end of the month. He even had to cut back his food supply by just a small amount to still have enough money. Finally, at the end of the month, Yuri finally had enough money to be able to go to the swimming pool not far from his home where the practices were being held.
Every day after his hard work at the factory, he greatly enjoyed going back to the pool and practicing his swimming. He had started quickly and advanced rapidly. Everyone who frequented the pool to practice their swimming was impressed by Yuri's natural ability to be able to learn and adapt so quickly, becoming very popular with the people at the pool, his hometown, and even in Moscow. It was truly a passion of Yuri's.
A few months had passed, and Yuri's amazing swimming abilities had been noticed by people in places all across Russia, considering a swimming prodigy. Yuri was always modest about his skills, but was humble nonetheless. However, he still had to continue his work at the factory, and live in the same small house he had lived in since he was born. For him, swimming was the one thing that saved him from the cruel and harsh life he lived.
Later that month, on his way to the factory once again, he had noticed that the billboard he so often passed had changed once again. While it was difficult to read in the unrelenting snowstorm, he managed to make out the words "DIVING PRACTICES" in big letters. Diving was something that Yuri had also found to be interesting, but could never find the time nor place to practice properly. The pool he went to had no diving boards or excessively deep sections of the pool, so it was hard for Yuri to practice diving. However, this would give him another opportunity to pursue what he wanted to do. He looked down at the bottom of the billboard and saw something that, like the other ad, made his heart drop. The base fee was 7500 Rubles.
Yuri knew that it would take another month or two of hard work at the factory to be able to achieve such a high sum of money. The factory was beginning to offer less and less money to Yuri, making life harder on him than it was before. He had to cut back his food money as well to accommodate for this. However, Yuri overcame the hardships in his life and save up just enough money by the end of two months.
The practices were held at another pool not far from the one he already went to, so it was easy for him to practice both swimming and diving at once. He continued to master his swimming skills while also learning how to practice diving. Much like with swimming, however, he had picked up skills quickly, and it only took him another few months before he had mastered diving.
Many people had heard of Yuri at this point. Several news stories across Russia were focused around Yuri, who was considered to be the best swimmer and diver in the whole country. He continued to remain incredibly modest through all of his interviews. "It is only something I am fond of, a hobby" Yuri would say. "I still have a life in the factory that I must attend to every day. It is a hard life, so swimming and diving are what I use to keep myself healthy." Despite his fame and popularity, Yuri did continue to work at the factory day in and day out, receiving little pay and little food for all of his hard work. Despite all of Yuri's hardships, he continued his daily routine of working, swimming, and diving.
For yet another time, Yuri was on his way to the factory. The billboard had changed once again. Yuri anticipated something exciting on the billboard, and he was not disappointed at what he saw. "TRAVEL TO AMERICA TODAY!" read the ad. Yuri was very interested. He had always heard of America, and had heard nothing but positive things about it. The land of the free! It was a very exciting idea to Yuri. However, he knew that with ads like these, he knew they would come at a steep price. Unfortunately, he thought correctly. The boats that traveled to America were advertised as costing 60,000 Rubles.
Yuri knew that that kind of sum would come from only another year or so of hard work at the factory. The factory work had become increasingly more difficult every single day, with little pay, food, and free time. However, he endured the next year the same way he endured the previous years: with swimming and diving. It truly was his passion, and Yuri was not sure on how he would have survived without them.
Finally, the year had passed, and Yuri had finally saved up enough Rubles to be able to ride the boat to America. He climbed aboard the boat with all of his possessions with him, all managing to fit in one small suitcase. The boat was somewhat small in size, being able to house only around 20 or so people. The boat set sail across the cold waters of the ocean. About a day had passed when people had finally recognized Yuri, the famed Russian swimmer and diver. They were all very excited to meet Yuri, and had several questions to ask him about his swimming skills. "It is nothing much, just a passion of mine, that is all. It is something I use to endure the hardships and trials of my life..." Yuri would always respond to his fans.
One day the boat had to make a stop at a small island to fill up the boat's gas supply, for they had much less than they had expected to have. It was a nice, sunny day outside, and the water was said to be very warm. One of the passengers asked Yuri to show off some of his diving techniques to his fans, since they had time to kill before the boat would depart again. "Hey, Yuri! While we wait, could you show us some of your diving skills? I would LOVE to see them!" Yuri was hesitant at first. Another passenger asked, "And maybe once you have done that, could you show us your swimming techniques? The water is warm, and it would make my day to see them!" Yuri replied, "Well... ok, if you all insist I do it."
Yuri looked off the side of the boat. On the bottom of the boat, a balcony extended from the bottom. Yuri feared he might hit the balcony on his dive down, but everyone else assured Yuri that he wouldn't hit it in a million years. Yuri stepped up over the railing, onto the side of the boat. With the same skill that he had used so many times before, he demonstrated his graceful diving skills by performing his favorite dive he knew. His fans watched in amazement as his body twirled through the air beautifully, showing the same amount of skill he put into each of his other dives. As he dove down towards the war waters below, people watched and expected for Yuri to land smoothly in the water.
Unfortunately, Yuri never landed in the water. He landed instead on the solid, hard deck of the boat's balcony below. The impact sounded painful, and all of the spectators winced on pain over his fall. Yuri remained motionless for several seconds, and his fans began to worry. Many people were about to call for medics when Yuri managed to get up slowly. "Are you alright Yuri? That fall looked hard! That must have broken some bones!" Yuri, however, had barely an injury. As he had gotten up, he simply regained his sense of direction. This had amazed several people, as that kind of a fall would have surely broken any other person's bones, if not killed them. Instead, Yuri simply stood up with barely a scratch, and waved back at the row of spectators.
"It is OK, everybody" Yuri yelled back. "I have endured many hardships in my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4krld3/there_once_was_a_man_named_yuri/
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Did you hear about the girl who died in the Italian restaurant?

She pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4krj2c/did_you_hear_about_the_girl_who_died_in_the/
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How do telegraph operators apologize?

Remorse code

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4krfdo/how_do_telegraph_operators_apologize/
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Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4krdym/why_do_marxists_only_drink_herbal_tea/
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I was talking to a North African girl in her native language for hours.

We just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4krcdn/i_was_talking_to_a_north_african_girl_in_her/
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How many Mexicans does it take to build a...

Never mind, they're already done, and they paid for it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4krc5v/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_build_a/
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I'm really good in bed.

When you compare it to how fucking awful I am out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kr5tz/im_really_good_in_bed/
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Hans Grapje was raised

in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.
Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.  After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent.
In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in.  Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move.
Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye.  The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy.
And who can blame them?
No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kr5h6/hans_grapje_was_raised/
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As I slip my finger slowly inside her hole

I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fuckin' boat," I thought to myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kr45b/as_i_slip_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole/
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I have two problems in my life.

My math sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kr2c3/i_have_two_problems_in_my_life/
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What is it called when a ship attacks their own navy?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kr252/what_is_it_called_when_a_ship_attacks_their_own/
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I told a joke I made up last Halloween!

It got me a few Snickers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kr0bw/i_told_a_joke_i_made_up_last_halloween/
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Its WWII, and a German soldier, an Italian solider, and a Japanese soldier have been captured by the Red Army

An officer of the Red Army is eyeing all three of them with scorn. He barks at them, "dirty fascists, I'll skin you three and use your hides to make a coat for the Russian winter. But I don't want to get my hands dirty. I'll let you each go out on your own terms."
The Italian is the first to go. He approaches a nearby tree and, with all the honor he can muster, tries to hang himself with his belt. However, he grossly underestimated its strength. Twisting, shouting, and asking the German for help, he eventually ends up hanging upside down, his face bloody and, although he put in the effort, he just didn't get the desired results. As ordered, Russians begin to skin him and move on to the next prisoner.
Next was the German. He produces a pistol from his belt and, full of pomp and circumstance, goosesteps behind the tree line. The Ruskis wait for the gunshot and are rewarded. But when they check behind the tree line to retrieve the body, they find none. They shrug, thinking that there's no way he could possibly have run off to some place warmer. But with one less skin and winter approaching, they move on to next prisoner.
Last is the Japanese. Stoic to the end, he gets on his knees and draws his sword. Plunging it into his gut and twisting it every which way, he never even flinches. Rather, he looks the Red Army officer straight in the eye and says "fuck your coat".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kqz6k/its_wwii_and_a_german_soldier_an_italian_solider/
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I have a joke about this site...

never mind you probably reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kqyku/i_have_a_joke_about_this_site/
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A man walks into a hotel with his family...

...and talks to the receptionist.
After checking in their reservation, his family starts walking toward the elevator to unpack their luggage in their room. The man stays behind to ask a question.
"Hey, is the porn here disabled?"
Then receptionist looks appalled and harshly replies back.
"It's just regular porn, you sick fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kqy19/a_man_walks_into_a_hotel_with_his_family/
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You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed...

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kqr88/you_are_on_a_horse_galloping_at_a_constant_speed/
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If you're an astronaut..

and you don't end every relationship with "I need space" then you're just wasting your time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kqjkm/if_youre_an_astronaut/
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What do you call a pickle that always has the same routine

Typickle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kqfmc/what_do_you_call_a_pickle_that_always_has_the/
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French bakers hate me...

...I feel their pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kqem6/french_bakers_hate_me/
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What do math and mermaids have in common?

They both have an alge-bra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kqdo6/what_do_math_and_mermaids_have_in_common/
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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kq13k/3_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/
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The Pope goes for a drive

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''
But the Pope persists, ''Please?''
The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope.''
So, the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the driver to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.''
Chief: ''What sort of problem?''
Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.''
Chief: ''Important like the mayor?''
Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.''
Chief: ''Important like the governor?''
Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.''
Chief: ''Like the President?''
Cop: ''More.''
Chief: ''Who's more important than the President?!''
Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the Pope DRIVING for him!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kpzqb/the_pope_goes_for_a_drive/
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There was a beer party out in the woods

All of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!"
The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette."
"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"
The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.
"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!
"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"
The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kpzjz/there_was_a_beer_party_out_in_the_woods/
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A man is having a mid-life crisis...

and buys himself a brand new Corvette. He takes it on the highway and immediately gets it up to 100 MPH. Shortly after, he sees a cop in the mirror trying to catch up with him.
The man thinks "I've got a Corvette, there's no way a cop car can catch up to me" so he guns it.
With the cop car fading in to the background, he realizes "what the hell am I doing?" He pulls to the side of the road and waits for the cop.
The officer comes up to his window and says "You were doing over 120 in a 55 and my shift ended a half-hour ago. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding, I'll let you go"
Without skipping a beat, the man says "Years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper, I thought you were bringing her back to me"
The cop replies "Have a good day, Sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kpqxr/a_man_is_having_a_midlife_crisis/
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Navy Biscuits

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kpphh/navy_biscuits/
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Why couldn't the NSA leave their houses?

They got Snowden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kplpq/why_couldnt_the_nsa_leave_their_houses/
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Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine?

The Crimea River

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kpl25/where_does_justin_timberlake_go_swimming_when_hes/
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An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."
The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."
God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."
The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kpirz/an_atheist/
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What do you call a Muslim who always makes mistakes?

Errorist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kpgu1/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_who_always_makes/
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A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.
The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off of the ship and, as per tradition, makes a beeline for the nearest hard-hitting watering hole.
Upon stepping into the tavern, he is immediately greeted by the barkeep, who is a close friend of his. "Captain!" the man cries out in delight, "It's wonderful to see ye again in these waters, ol' boy!"
He puts down the clay mug that he's wiping and walks towards his friend, arms open wide in welcome.
However, before he gets close enough to embrace his customer, he doubles back in shock, almost tripping over a table behind him. "Fuck!" he yelps, "What happened to yer leg, man?!"
The pirate captain looks down at the wooden pole stretching from his right knee and shakes his head in memory. "Aye," he replies solemnly, "That's a story, that is. Me 'n me crew, we're sailin' off the shore of Montego Bay with a hull full o' fresh Jamaican slaves when a heavily armed merchant vessel comes right up to our starboard side, tellin' us that we've gotta let go of our cargo 'cause we've got their employer in there. But we ain't lettin' go of one slave, no way, so we tell 'em to fuck off or we'll send 'em right down to ol' Davy, but no, they don't listen. In fact, they fucking fire one of their cannons as a warnin' shot, and it fuckin' blows me leg clean off!"
"Golly!" the barkeep gasps, "That must've been right bloody painful!"
"It sure was. But we showed 'em, we did. They took me leg, but I'm an honest man, ye see, I don't go back on me word. So we sent 'em right down to 'ol Davy."
"Masterful work, captain!" the barkeep applauds. However, he quickly goes quiet again, his eyes moving from the peg leg to...
"But captain," he says, "What happened to yer hand?"
The pirate looks down at the hook curving from his severed wrist and shakes his head in memory. "Aye," he replies solemnly, "That's a story, that is. Me 'n me crew, we were sailing 'cross the Moru Passage when another crew, one of 'em bastard Welsh sons o' sea-cucumbers that dare call 'emselves buccaneers, and they go on demandin' our booty. MY booty! The fuckin' gall! D'you have any idea what we had to go through to get that there treasure? So we tell 'em to fuck off, or we'll pin their gizzards to the masts, but no, they don't listen! They just go right on an' board us, and one of 'em ninnies chops me hand off with that puny cutlass of his!"
"Golly!" the barkeep gasps again, "That must've been right bloody painful!"
"It sure was. But we showed 'em, we did. They took me hand, but I'm an honest man, ye see, I don't go back on me word. So we cut 'em right up and pinned their gizzards to the masts."
"Masterful work, captain!" the barkeep applauds once more. However, he quickly goes quiet again, his eyes moving from the hook to...
"But captain," he says, "What happened to yer eye?"
The pirate touches the patch covering his empty socket and shakes his head in memory. "Aye," he says, "That's a story, that is. A bird shat in me eye."
The barkeep is taken aback. "A bird shat in yer eye?"
"Aye," the pirate captain replies.
"But... you wouldn't have gone blind just because of a little poop. That's total gullshit!"
"Nay, but y'see, I wasn't quite used to the hook yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kpeau/a_peglegged_hookhanded_oneeyed_pirate/
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I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kpddd/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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Three men on an island survive a crash

A plane crash lands on a deserted island, only three men survive. A white guy, a black guy, and an Asian guy. The three decide to work together so they utilize their professions to survive.
The white guy was an architect so it was his job to design the shelter, the black guy worked in construction so he'd build the shelter, the Asian guy ran a convenience store so he was in charge of the supplies.
A couple hours pass, the shelter is up and the white guy and black guy are sitting by the fire. Another hour passes and the Asian guy is still out gathering supplies.
Worried, the two go into the forest to look for him. The leaves and bushes rustle, they can hear something getting closer. With no weapons the white guy and black guy are noticeably terrified.
They turn to run and out of nowhere the Asian guy jumps out from behind a bush and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kpcdb/three_men_on_an_island_survive_a_crash/
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A horse is watching MTV...

As he is watching, a music video for "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix comes on. The horse gals in love with the song. Then, he explores more of Jimi Hendrix's discography and soon enough he's a full on Jimi Hendrix fan.
After some time of being a Hendrix fan, the horse is inspired to be a guitarist. He gets all the money he has and buys a low-end used Stratocaster.
He begins to learn how to play, and quickly enough, he knows how to play every Jimi Hendrix song. He can play every riff flawlessly.
Then the horse decides, "This isn't enough". He wants to start a band. He had heard about this chicken who is an absolute beast at bass. So he finds the chicken and he asks him to join him. The chicken, who has a deep passion for music, accepts gladly. The chicken begins to listen to Jimi Hendrix, and soon enough, he can play the bass of every song perfectly.
But the two needed more band members. There is an older cow on the farm who used to play drums. They ask him, "Would you like to join our band?" But the cow seemed sad. The cow said, "I would love to, but I sold my drums some time ago." The horse and chicken decide to buy a drum set for the cow. After they presented him with the drum set, the cow jumped with joy. Nostalgia running through his veins, he gets on the drums and rips it. The rumors were true; the cow was a legendary drummer. Flattered by the horse and chicken's efforts, the cow couldn't help but join the band. The cow began to listen to Jimi Hendrix, and could play every one of his songs in no time.
Now they have three amazing musicians, but something was missing: vocals. None of them could sing. The chicken then remembers a pig from college who used to be in music class with him. After much searching, they found the pig's whereabouts; it was a farm only 10 miles north! They travel to the other farm and find the pig. He is working on the field in his farm. They ask him, "We're starting a band, but none of us can sing. Would you like to join us?" The pig looks at the ground under him, and then at his dirty hooves. He tells them, "Since I was a boy, my dream had always been to have a career in music. How I ended up here, I don't know. I'll join, because a career in music is my dream. No matter the risks, I'm on board." And so, the pig joined, and listened to Jimi Hendrix, and learned every lyric to every Jimi Hendrix song.
Thus started the beginning of the Barnyard Bros. At first, they were just a Jimi Hendrix cover band. They received a nice, modest following of fans. They could emulate the Jimi Hendrix Experience flawlessly. The resemblance was uncanny. They were started to get the ball rolling.
Then the horse, the one who started it all, said again, "This isn't enough". They decided that if they were going to be big, it had to be their own music they were playing. They started to write their own music, and eventually recorded their first studio album. And everyone loved it. Their fan base was growing faster then they could ever imagine. Their album has sold over a million copies. Number 1 on iTunes. Number 1 on Google Play. Number 1 played album on Spotify. They were everywhere. They were the most popular band in the world.
The horse's old farmer gets a call. It's from Jimmy Kimmel's manager. Kimmel wants them on the show. The farmer calls up the horse and tells him of this opportunity. The horse is ecstatic. He and his band get to be on TV! What the horse did not know is that his farmer is a huge Jimmy Kimmel fan. It's been his dream to attend the show, but he hasn't had the finances to do so. He asks the horse, "Please, can you find it in your heart to take me?" The horse loved his farmer very much. His farmer was the one who gave him his job. Had it not been for that job, he would have never got that guitar, never started a band, and never would have been in the position he was in. The horse then agrees to take the farmer to see Jimmy Kimmel, and decides to give a little more. An all expenses paid, week long trip to LA, so the farmer can enjoy the city after he goes to the show.
The horse flies to LA a week before the rest to finalize the deal. He meets with Kimmel and his manager and sings the deal. It's official; the Barnyard Bros will be on the Jimmy Kimmel show.
The rest of the band and the farmer get on their flight to LA. But tragedy strikes. An engine fails. The plane is losing stability, but can still fly. In a few minutes, the other engine begins failing. The plane begins to plummet. The plane nose dives into the ground and crashes. There are no survivors. Everyone, the chicken, the cow, the pig, and the farmer, gone.
The horse hears about the news, and begins to break down in tears. "This is my fault." he said to himself. The horse blamed himself for their deaths because he had started this band. They wouldn't be on that plane if he hadn't had the stupid idea to get the band together and go on the Kimmel show. He cancelled his appointment to be on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, as the Barnyard Bros were no more.
The horse, seeing as his friends were no longer alive, decides that he doesn't deserve to live either. He buys a bottle of oxycodone. His idea is to just overdose and end his life. He goes to a bar in LA and asks for the drink with the most alcohol. The bartender looks at the horse. The horse is visibly upset. Now the bartender is a nice guy. He doesn't like seeing people in a bad mood and always does his best to help.
So the bartender approaches the horse, and asks him, "Hey, why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kpbom/a_horse_is_watching_mtv/
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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce...

So they go to a divorce lawyer,
Divorce lawyer: So Mickey you're saying you're divorcing your wife because she's being... extremely silly?
Mickey: No I said she's fucking Goofy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kp8li/mickey_mouse_and_minnie_mouse_are_getting_a/
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Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I don't think I can ever repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kp6sp/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/
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Somebody keyed my car..

They wrote "Cheater" and "pig" everywhere. I asked my girlfriend if she did it, and she said no. I don't know why anyone would write such a thing.  I'll ask my wife when I get home tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kp6bi/somebody_keyed_my_car/
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What sex position gives birth to the ugliest children?

Ask your parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kp5wh/what_sex_position_gives_birth_to_the_ugliest/
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When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kp438/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
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Little Johnny is playing near a river with his friend...

They see a nude woman and stand there staring. All of a sudden, Little Johnny runs away. His friend later catches up with him and asks him why he ran away. Little Johnny replies "My mom said if I ever stared at a naked woman I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard down there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kp1zs/little_johnny_is_playing_near_a_river_with_his/
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Why is stormtrooper always late from work?

He keeps missing his train

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4koxy7/why_is_stormtrooper_always_late_from_work/
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Why are bad jokes like dead babies?

Usually, something went wrong with the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kowf0/why_are_bad_jokes_like_dead_babies/
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Why do atheists scream out 'oh my God' during sex?

Because it's unbelievable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kousj/why_do_atheists_scream_out_oh_my_god_during_sex/
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What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nazi?

There, Their, They're

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kogep/what_do_you_say_when_you_are_comforting_a_grammar/
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I was in shop class in high school and my teacher had a nail, a bolt, and a screw in his hand...

... He asked us if we knew the difference between them. A girl raised her hand and said, "Well, I've never been bolted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kogd7/i_was_in_shop_class_in_high_school_and_my_teacher/
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I accidentally planted some marijuana seeds on my farm

It's all gone to pot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kocve/i_accidentally_planted_some_marijuana_seeds_on_my/
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I once entered ten puns in a comedy competition hoping one would win.

But, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kobve/i_once_entered_ten_puns_in_a_comedy_competition/
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What do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth?

a GladHeAteHer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4koa61/what_do_you_call_a_roman_with_hair_between_his/
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What do you call a Transformer who always sees the glass as half full?

Optimist Prime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ko7t2/what_do_you_call_a_transformer_who_always_sees/
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Bird walks into a bar..

He sits down and ask the bartender, "Hey, you got any bread?"
The bartender replies "No, sorry."
The bird waits a few seconds and again asks, "Got any bread?"
The bartender says angrily, "No, we have no bread."
The bird asks again, "Do you have any bread?"
The bartender says furiously, "No, we have no bread and if you ask again I'm going to nail your fucking beak to the bar."
The bird pauses for a minute. Then he asks, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender replies, "No, we have no nails."
So the bird asks, "You got any bread?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ko7ad/bird_walks_into_a_bar/
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What is Will Smith's favorite type of forensic evidence?

Fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ko5b9/what_is_will_smiths_favorite_type_of_forensic/
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A frog hops into a bank

and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ko2p1/a_frog_hops_into_a_bank/
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The one good thing about having a kid with Zika virus...

even if he achieves major success in life, he'll never get a big head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ko27a/the_one_good_thing_about_having_a_kid_with_zika/
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A guy walks into a watch store with his broken watch

and asks the owner if he could fix his watch.
"We don't fix watches." the owner replied.
"Well... Can I buy a new watch?" asks the man.
"We don't sell watches either."
"You don't fix watches, and you don't sell watches, yet you have watches in the shop window." the man said with a surprised tone.
"That's correct."
"So what do you do here?" asked the man.
"We circumcise people" answered the owner.
"Then why have you put watches in the shop window?"
"What else am I supposed to put there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knzeh/a_guy_walks_into_a_watch_store_with_his_broken/
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A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala said, "Smoking ajoint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink...
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
"Hey you!"
So the koala looked down at him and said,
"Duuuuuuuuuuude..."
"How much water did you drink!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knz6w/a_koala_was_sitting_in_a_gum_tree_smoking_a_joint/
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How is having sex with a woman and eating at KFC similar?

After you're done with the juicy breasts and the tender thighs, all there's left to do is to throw the bone in the greasy box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knyfd/how_is_having_sex_with_a_woman_and_eating_at_kfc/
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A teacher asks her 2nd grade class...

"Who's a Trump fan?"
Not wanting to look stupid for not knowing what that meant, they all raised their hands except for Johnny.
"And why aren't you a Trump fan?" she asked, used to Johnny always trying to be different.
"Because I'm a Sanders fan" he replied.
"And why are you a Sanders fan?"
"Because mommy and daddy are"
"And if mommy and daddy were idiots, what would that make you?" she asked
"A Trump fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kny4j/a_teacher_asks_her_2nd_grade_class/
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I see a border patrol car drive by...

So I ask my mexican co-woker if he has his visa. He looks at me cofused for a minute then says "no no I only have debit card" (true story)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knvur/i_see_a_border_patrol_car_drive_by/
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A naked woman robbed a bank..

Nobody could remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knvpb/a_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank/
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What did the socialist use before candles?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knvgn/what_did_the_socialist_use_before_candles/
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The first rule of Alzheimer's club

Is don't talk about chess club

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knupj/the_first_rule_of_alzheimers_club/
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A woman goes to a dentist

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says:
"I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says:
"Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies,
"Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knt17/a_woman_goes_to_a_dentist/
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Here's one for you recent graduates.

A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.
"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."
The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."
His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kns7x/heres_one_for_you_recent_graduates/
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What does every Tickle Me Elmo receive before it leaves the factory?

Two testicles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knpze/what_does_every_tickle_me_elmo_receive_before_it/
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One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world...

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists  in the world.
On the way there, he tells his driver, that looks a bit like him, "I'm sick of all these conferences, I always say the same things over and over!"
The drivers agrees, "You're right, as your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein "Lets switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein, goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond.
So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.
The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eyes and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knoq9/one_day_einstein_has_to_give_a_conference_to_all/
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What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A chocolate ba-a-a-a

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knntr/what_do_you_call_a_sheep_covered_in_chocolate/
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What do you call a chinese food truck?

A Wok in the Park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knnai/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_food_truck/
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What's Hitler's favorite letter?

I don't know, but certainly not Z.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knk3s/whats_hitlers_favorite_letter/
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Did you hear about the chameleon who couldnt change colour?

He had a reptile dysfunction!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knipw/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_who_couldnt/
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Ok, so, for some reason, my lesbian neighbours just gave me a brand new Rolex...

I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knilr/ok_so_for_some_reason_my_lesbian_neighbours_just/
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Why are bees the superior species?

They have a built in suicide switch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knf63/why_are_bees_the_superior_species/
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The best American joke of all time

Healthcare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knck8/the_best_american_joke_of_all_time/
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A sheepdog

.... gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:
*"All 40 accounted for"*
*"But I only have 36 sheep"* says the confused farmer
*"Yeah I know"* says the sheepdog. *"I rounded them up".*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kn881/a_sheepdog/
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What is the best vegetable delivery vehicle in the world?

An ambulance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kn3sd/what_is_the_best_vegetable_delivery_vehicle_in/
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A kid'a parents didn't want him to learn bad words...

*English isn't my first language so tell me if there are any mistakes*
So one day the father was taking the kid to the mall for a haircut, they walk out the door and the father suddenly remembers he forgot his keys.
He forgets him and his SO's idea and says "Shit! I forgot my keys" the kid is surprised by this word and asks for its meaning the father replies "uhhh, it means doormat, Yeah! Doormat like this one." He pointed at the Doormat next to their house's entrance, afterwards the father got his keys and they were on the road.
While they were driving the father drove faster than the speed limit by a few kph, he hears sirens, looks behind and sees a Cop telling him to pull over. The man tries to reason with the Cop, but he's not having none of it and gives him a ticket. The father mutters "Bastard!" Under his breath, and the son promptly asks what that word means the father thinks up something quickly, and nervously replies "It uhh, means Police officer.."
After the kid had gotten his haircut, and is driven home by his father, he goes to see what his mom's cooking in the kitchen.
He walks into his mother cutting some chicken breasts, and surprised her by yelling out "Hi mom!" She jumps up and cuts her finger while shouting "Oh F*ck" multiple times, and as usual the kid asks what that word means, his mother says "It means cutting, Yeah cutting..." the kid gladly takes that answer and leaves his mother, because she seems busy bleeding out...
He sees his dad start to shave his beard, and he seems really focused on the task at hand. So naturally, the kid screams "Hi Dad!" As loud as he could, causing his father to ruin his perfect goatee. The father engulfed with anguish says "Oh balls! It's ruined." The kid asks what that means, and his father let's out a sigh, probably asking himself why he's doing this in the first place, he responds "Ohh, balls? It means beard.." the son is sorta unsure about it, but takes it as middle aged man slang...
While both parents are busy with their predicaments, someone knocks on their door. The kid answers and it's the Cop from earlier, so he proceeded to greet him, "Hey, bastard! Wipe you feet on shit."
The Cop is taken back by this but decides to just ignore the kid, since he probably doesn't know what he's talking about. He asks "Hey kid, are any of your parents here?" The kid replies "Yeah, my mom is f*cking the chicken, and my father is shaving his balls..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kn2m6/a_kida_parents_didnt_want_him_to_learn_bad_words/
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My favourite sex position is the JFK

It's where I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kn06k/my_favourite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
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A mother, father and son are at the beach.

Mommy's sunbathing while daddy goes for a walk. The kid goes to his mother and says; "Mom, some of the ladies on the beach have bigger boobs than yours. Why is that?"
She thinks for a minute and says;"Well, the bigger the boobs, the dumber the lady."
The kid goes off and comes back again a while later: "Mommy, mommy. Some of the men on the beach have wieners bigger than daddy's."
"Well, same rules apply, the bigger it is, the dumber the guy attached."
The kid goes off again, then comes back.
"Mommy mommy!"
"What is it?!"
"I just saw dad talking to the dumbest girl on the beach! And the longer they talk, the dumber he gets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kmvm4/a_mother_father_and_son_are_at_the_beach/
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Q: Would a lion cheat on his wife?

No, but a Tiger Wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kmo76/q_would_a_lion_cheat_on_his_wife/
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[NSFW] A woman goes in for surgery...

A woman is booked in to have a vaginal reconstruction operation and prior to the procedure she shaves and cleans downstairs to help make the operation go smoothly.
After the operation she awakes to find three roses on her bedside table, she turns to the nurse and asks, "Excuse me nurse, where did these three roses come from?".
The nurse replies, "well the first one is from your surgeon to say thanks for a wonderfully clean workspace which helped to make the procedure be such a success. The second one is from your husband who can't wait to try out your newly transformed love patch".
"Who sent the third rose?" the woman asked eagerly.
"The third rose is from Larry in the Burn Victims Unit, he says thanks for the new ears!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kmo1t/nsfw_a_woman_goes_in_for_surgery/
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A cop pulls over a 90 year old woman...

He exits his car and walks up to the old woman's window.
"Do you realize how fast you were going?"
"No." She answers, looking forward, making no eye contact.
"Twice the speed limit!  Ma'am, can I see your license and registration?"
"I can't give you my license," she answers.
"Why not?"
"I don't have a license"
"What about your registration, ma'am?"
"I can't give you that, either." she responds, still looking forward.
"Well, why not?"
"This isn't my car, I stole it."
Confused now, the cop asks "Do know who owned this vehicle?  Where did you steal it from?"
"I got it from the man I killed."
Confusion now turning to caution he asks, "And where is the man you killed?"
"I chopped him up and placed his body in the trunk."
Stunned and worried, the cop places his hand on his holster and cautiously says to the old woman, "Stay in the vehicle with your hands in view."
The cop then proceeds to call for back up.
Ten minutes later 5 police cars show up and the cop speaks to his senior officer.
The senior officer walks up to the woman's window with his hand on his firearm and demands: "Ma'am, step out of the vehicle with your hands where I can see them!"
The woman complies without hesitation.
"Ma'am, do you have your license and registration?"
"Sure do!  They're right here," she says as she pulls them out of her purse and hands them to the senior officer.
Confused, the senior officer continues, "Ma'am, can you open your trunk for me?"
"Sure I can!"  She walks over to the trunk and opens it.  There's nothing in there.
The senior officer steps back, perplexed.
After a minute he finally speaks, "Ma'am, I'm confused...My officer told me that you didn't have a license, this car was stolen, AND you had a dead body in the trunk..."
With a scoff she replied, "I bet that liar said I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kmm2p/a_cop_pulls_over_a_90_year_old_woman/
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Man got pulled over for speeding

A man was late for work and was pulled over by a cop hiding at the end of a bridge. The cop asked "Where you
going in such a hurry?" The man tells the cop that he is just heading to work. "What do you do?" the cop asked. "I'm a rectum stretcher" he replied. "What on earth does a rectum stretcher do?!" the shocked officer asked. "Well.. first you start with one finger then you work in the index finger of the other hand.. eventually you can work in both hands.. then the arms.. then the legs.. and you keep doing this until the rectum is 6ft wide." The cop stairs in disgust then finally asks "What are you going to do with a six foot asshole??" The driver quickly responds with "Put it at the end of a bridge and give it a radar gun"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kmknj/man_got_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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Teach a man to build a fire and he'll be warm for a night.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kmgql/teach_a_man_to_build_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for/
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A woman with blonde hair walks into an electronics store...

And gestures over a store employee.
"I want to buy this TV." She said.
The store employee replies to her, "I am sorry, ma'am.  But we don't sell TV's to blondes.  Store policy."
The woman is visibly upset, but formulates a plan.  She goes home and she dyes her hair the most beautiful shade of chestnut brown.  The next morning, she returns to the store, and says to the store employee, "I want to buy this TV."
The employee says, "I am sorry, ma'am.  But we don't sell TV's to blondes.  Store policy."
The woman is a little shocked but is determined.  She goes back home and dyes her head a fiery shade of red.  The next morning, she returns to the store and says to the store employee "I want to buy this TV."
The employee replies, "I am sorry, ma'am.  But we don't sell TV's to blondes.  Store policy."
The woman is livid now, but leaves the store.  In her rage, she shaves all of her hair off, confident that if she had no hair at all, the store employee would surely not know.
She returned to the store the next morning and said to the employee, "I want to buy this TV."
The employee replied, "I am sorry, ma'am.  But we don't sell TV's to blondes.  Store policy."
The woman explodes in anger, "How do you know I am a blonde?  I don't have any hair!"
The employee smirks a little and says "Well ma'am, it's because that is a microwave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kmdpc/a_woman_with_blonde_hair_walks_into_an/
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What's the difference between a hipster and a homeless man?

An Instagram account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4km7bc/whats_the_difference_between_a_hipster_and_a/
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I got an anti-gravity book at barnes and noble today.

it's impossible to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4km4gc/i_got_an_antigravity_book_at_barnes_and_noble/
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Did you hear the joke about the alarm?

No?
It doesn't ring a bell?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4km39k/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_the_alarm/
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I went to an Arab-American comedy night

there was a Muslim guy making a joke about being in high school football. " I was hit so hard, I saw Jesus.. Do you know how hard you have to be hit to see someone else's god? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4km2k2/i_went_to_an_arabamerican_comedy_night/
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A Mexican and black person are in a car, who is driving?

The cop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4km0s8/a_mexican_and_black_person_are_in_a_car_who_is/
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The best part about having a homeless girlfriend?

After the date, you can just drop her off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4klxom/the_best_part_about_having_a_homeless_girlfriend/
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Invisible Man

A nurse says, "Doctor, the invisible man is here for his three o'clock."
The doctor says, "Well, tell him I can't see him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4klui6/invisible_man/
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What did the pillow say when it fell off the bed

Sheet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4klquf/what_did_the_pillow_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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What's the best part of domestic violence jokes?

The punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4klq6e/whats_the_best_part_of_domestic_violence_jokes/
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My 8 year old told me a really clever joke for once.

What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk?
A Star-Spangled Banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4klmtd/my_8_year_old_told_me_a_really_clever_joke_for/
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As an airplane is about to crash...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?
"A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4klmb2/as_an_airplane_is_about_to_crash/
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This joke ends in a non-sequitur...

... I know, I couldn't follow it either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4klln3/this_joke_ends_in_a_nonsequitur/
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What’s the difference between a baby and a feminist?

At some point in its life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4klkun/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_feminist/
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How do you make Halloween great again?

By carving a Trumpkin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kljhb/how_do_you_make_halloween_great_again/
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I married what some might call a "trophy wife"...

Unfortunately, she wasn't 1st place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kljd8/i_married_what_some_might_call_a_trophy_wife/
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Learn how to avoid internet rip offs.....

Send me Reddit gold and I will give you valuable information on how to avoid future scams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kligj/learn_how_to_avoid_internet_rip_offs/
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For a second I wasn't sure if I should give my patient a blue toothbrush or a pink toothbrush.

It was a trans-in-dental moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4klher/for_a_second_i_wasnt_sure_if_i_should_give_my/
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I Like my slaves like I like my coffee:

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4klfw2/i_like_my_slaves_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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What's the difference between a shooting range and an american college?

About thirty thousand dollars a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kle2u/whats_the_difference_between_a_shooting_range_and/
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What's a composers favorite type of girl?

a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4klbzj/whats_a_composers_favorite_type_of_girl/
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Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today.

JK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4klbr3/breaking_celebrity_news_academy_award_winning/
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Two Hillbillies

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kl8u4/two_hillbillies/
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Why can't Vin Diesel differentiate Thanksgiving Turkey from his best friend?

Because they're both roasted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kl5z2/why_cant_vin_diesel_differentiate_thanksgiving/
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Why don't any American football players wear glasses?

Because it is a contact sport!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kl54d/why_dont_any_american_football_players_wear/
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So a bear walks into a bar...

So a bear walks into a bar and sits at a bar stool.
"What'll it be?" says the barkeep.
The bear responds with, "I'll have a gin and.......................tonic.".
"What's with the big pause?" asks the barkeep.
The bear, surprised, exclaims, "I'm a bear!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kl2gg/so_a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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My Grandfather is deceased

So I guess that makes me 1/4 Deceased?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kl2es/my_grandfather_is_deceased/
%
Einstein was seated next to a blonde woman in a bus

Einstein said "Hey, let's play a game. I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer it, I'll give you $1. After that, it's your turn to ask a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $100"
The blonde agreed so Einstein asked "What does c stand for in E=mc^2?"
The blonde didn't know the answer so she gave Einstein $1, she then asked "What has 10 legs, can fly, can swim but isn't alive?"
Einstein was shocked for it was the first time he didn't know the answer to a question, he accepted defeat and gave the blonde $100
The blonde was about to leave the bus but Einstein stopped her and said "Wait, I have to know, what is the answer to your question?"
The blonde smiled and said "I don't know either" as she gave Einstein $1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kl1tj/einstein_was_seated_next_to_a_blonde_woman_in_a/
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A naked woman robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kl0nc/a_naked_woman_robbed_a_bank/
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What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkztd/whats_green_fuzzy_has_four_legs_and_would_kill/
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Dumbest kid in the world...

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkxbo/dumbest_kid_in_the_world/
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Two termites walk into a bar...

"Excuse me sir, is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkt5j/two_termites_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a Mexican fighter pilot?

Air Force Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkrzs/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_fighter_pilot/
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A science graduate asks the question why?

An engineering graduate asks the question how?
An arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkr0m/a_science_graduate_asks_the_question_why/
%
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a  joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come  up and join me"
So the lizard climbs up  and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while  the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink  from the river.
At the riverbank,  the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A  Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to  the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”  The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree,  smoking a joint with the monkey and  his  mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a  drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he  has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where  the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey,  MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. How much water did you drink ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkqu9/a_monkey_is_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint/
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Everybody laughed when I told them I was going to become a comedian

They're not laughing now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkp7y/everybody_laughed_when_i_told_them_i_was_going_to/
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A man comes home from work one day...

A man comes home from work one day and says to his wife "Great news honey, pack your bags because I just won the lottery!"
His wife says "That's wonderful! Should I pack for the mountains or for the beach?"
He says "I don't care, just get the fuck out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkn2i/a_man_comes_home_from_work_one_day/
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Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

A: Santa stops after three hos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkl8b/q_what_is_the_difference_between_tiger_woods_and/
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Did you guys hear about that guy that was stealing everyone's power?

He's a real Joule thief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkk8i/did_you_guys_hear_about_that_guy_that_was/
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What's the difference between a Jew and Santa Claus?

Santa Claus goes *down* the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkj02/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_santa_claus/
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A beloved UPS man was moving away in his local neighborhood and he was doing his last deliveries...

the first home he went to a red head answered and gave him a card and a hug saying how much he will be missed and the best of luck! He gave her the package then and moved onto the next house. A brunette opened the door and kissed him on the cheek and a card saying he will be missed and the best of luck! The UPS man then gave her the package and went to his last house he had to deliver. A blonde opened the door, grabbed him by the collar and took him to her bed where they had wild sex all night. The next morning, the UPS man was sitting at her table and noticed a card with $5 in it. He asked the blonde what the card and money was for...
She replied, "Oh, that is for you, I told my boyfriend that the UPS guy was moving and all the neighbors are giving him something. So my boyfriend told me, 'Fuck him! Give him a card and $5!'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkib3/a_beloved_ups_man_was_moving_away_in_his_local/
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I have 196 cows in my field..

But if I round them up I have 200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kki7x/i_have_196_cows_in_my_field/
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What is loud and sounds like an apple?

**AN APPLE!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkh2b/what_is_loud_and_sounds_like_an_apple/
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Whats the difference between a feminist and a hockey player

hockey player showers after 3 periods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkgce/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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A Bad Day

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
If you have any good ones please share :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkfgq/a_bad_day/
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
But suddenly the executioner decided to pick up the chair, walk outside, and throw it into the nearby ocean, drowning the man.
The judge, hearing of this, came running outside. "But how did you know the chair wouldn't kill him?", he asked.
"Well", the executioner replied, "I see this joke posted here every day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkfcp/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
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What do porn movies and disney movies have in common?

Happy endings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkefh/what_do_porn_movies_and_disney_movies_have_in/
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What do you call your mum who is shorter than you?

A minimum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkd4f/what_do_you_call_your_mum_who_is_shorter_than_you/
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Give A Man A Fish

Give a man a fish and he'll say, "This is incorrect; I ordered a Big Mac". Teach a man how to fish and he'll say, "What the fuck kind of McDonald's is this, anyway?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkcee/give_a_man_a_fish/
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A guy gets sent to prison...

and is initially terrified when he meets his imposingly large cellmate. To his surprise, the man hops down from his bunk and politely introduces himself.
"I'm sure your nervous," says the mountain of a man as he shakes his new friend's hand. "but don't be. This place really isn't that bad."
"Alright" says the still frightened man.
"In fact, do you like baseball?" his cellmate continues.
"Sure."
"Well, tell you what. Every Monday my old roomie and I, we used to play catch half the day. In fact, I've still got his glove. Here it's yours."
"Wow, thank you." says the new inmate.
"Do you like football?" asks his cellmate.
"Yeah!" he replies excited.
"Well, every Tuesday my old roomie and I, we would toss the football around half the day."
"That sounds great!" says the new inmate, very excited now.
"That's not the half of it" his cellmate continues, "are you gay or straight?"
"Straight! Definitely straight." comes his immediate reply.
"Hmmm," the enormous man thinks for a second,
"you're probably not going to like Wednesdays very much."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kk9q3/a_guy_gets_sent_to_prison/
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Luke and Yoda are training on Dagobah

. Suddenly, part of the ledge in front of them falls off. "Oh no, what do we do, master?" asked Luke. "Worry not" replied Yoda. Yoda takes out a giant 6-foot fork, lays it across the gap in the ledge, and they use it as a bridge.
Soon enough, they come to a large iron fence surrounding Yoda's hovel. "Oh no, what do we do now, master?" asked Luke. "Worry not" replied Yoda. Yoda takes out his giant fork and bends a hole in the fence large enough for them to crawl through.
The pair get to Yoda's hovel and Yoda wants to post a notice on the bulletin board. But when they get to the board, Yoda realizes he is out of tacks! "Worry not, master" Luke says. He picks up the fork and is about to stick it into the board, when Yoda yells "Stop! A Jedi uses the fork for no ledge and the fence, but never for a tack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kk7v1/luke_and_yoda_are_training_on_dagobah/
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College Assignment: Short Story

So, the assignment in a college writing class was to compose a short story using as FEW words as possible, but in order to be accepted, the story had to include discussion of three things:
1)  Religion
2)  Sexuality
3)  Mystery
The winning entry:
"God God!  I'm pregnant!  I wonder who did it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kk7mx/college_assignment_short_story/
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A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon...

A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon.
He is walking up and down the line of men, complementing, or insulting the men on their work in the field that day.
Finally, he reaches a private at the end of the line.
In a gruff voice, he yells "PRIVATE, I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY."
Without being able to finish his sentence, the private interrupts his superior saying, "THANK YOU, SIR."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kk6ql/a_drill_sergeant_is_instructing_a_platoon/
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Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a nobel prize?

They said he was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kk6n1/did_you_hear_about_the_scarecrow_that_won_a_nobel/
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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole...

I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fuckin boat" I thought to myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kk0lg/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole/
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A guy goes to the doctor

for his annual checkup, and the doctor says, "You need to stop masturbating."
"Why?" the man asks.
The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kjw47/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
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A woman brought a very limp duck

into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kjr9h/a_woman_brought_a_very_limp_duck/
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What did the orphan poker player say?

Will you raise me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kjpbt/what_did_the_orphan_poker_player_say/
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Guess My Age

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says, feeling really happy.
After that, she goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with you for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the woman thinks, What the hell and lets him slip his hand down her pants.
Ten minutes later, the old man says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
[But I think it's died, and this robot needs to recharge his batteries](http://i.imgur.com/bzt6zGG.gifv).
[but I'll be back.](https://i.imgur.com/oBabmbM.gifv)
edit edit: [made it to 13 hours](http://i.imgur.com/3mE6alT.gifv)
[:D](http://i.imgur.com/YzM6UvT.gif) [MFW it's stopped](http://i.imgur.com/HeCHBeA.gif)
[Going to sleep reddit, I will continue to deliver](http://i.imgur.com/gifbRrE.jpg)
edit3: Just a heads up... This thread goes real deep, so [enjoy](http://i.imgur.com/97MEy.gif). Also, I'll be periodically checking in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kjmpw/guess_my_age/
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A man takes his shoe off in church...

Man 1: *takes off shoe and starts peering inside of it*
Man 2: "What the problem?"
Man 1: *Sighs* " I guess i'm just having some problems with my inner-sole "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kjk9b/a_man_takes_his_shoe_off_in_church/
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A man is sitting at a courthouse...

A man is sitting at a courthouse waiting for his trial after calling the Queen a swine. They finally call him, the queen is sitting at her throne, and three officials are in front of him and the man asks:
-"So I can't call the Queen a swine anymore?"
One of the officials says:
-"No you can't, and you will have to pay a fine."
The man replies:
-"Ok. But let me ask you something: If I want to call a swine "queen", is that ok ?"
-"Yes... I suppose." Says the confused official
The man looks up to the queen's throne
-"Ok then. Goodbye, Queen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kjjql/a_man_is_sitting_at_a_courthouse/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kjftt/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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On a first date:

Her - So what do you do?
Me - I am currently working on eliminating all cancers.
Her - Wow, that's impressive!
Me - Then I'll move onto Capricons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kjf65/on_a_first_date/
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When do you kick a midget in the balls?

When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kje75/when_do_you_kick_a_midget_in_the_balls/
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A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kjdhi/a_man_was_caught_by_a_cop_with_drugs_in_the/
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I witnessed a murder in the park last night and called 911

They told me to stop calling and leave the crows alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kjbl2/i_witnessed_a_murder_in_the_park_last_night_and/
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A guy called into work and says, “Hey, boss! What’s the difference between work and your daughter?”

“I’m not coming into work this morning!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kjbf2/a_guy_called_into_work_and_says_hey_boss_whats/
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Doctor sets up a clinic

A doctor sets up a clinic and advertises that he can fix whatever problem you have for $500; but if he can't fix the problem he will pay you $1000. A man sees his ad and thinks that this is ridiculous, so he tries to exploit the doctor. He goes into the office and says "I can't taste anything". The doctor hums and haws and then tells the nurse to put two drops from vial 22 on the tip of his tongue. So the nurse does this and the man reacts violently and says, spitting "Oh gross! That's gasoline!" To which the doctor replies: "Fantastic! You're cured! That will be $500". The man, undeterred from the last time goes to the doctor again, claiming that he can't remember anything. The doctor thinks a moment and tells the nurse to put two drops from vial 22 on the tip of his tongue. The man reacts before she can leave the room: "Wait! Vial 22? That's gasoline? Why would that help?" To which the doctor replies "Fantastic! You're cured! That will be $500". Irritated the man decides he's going to try one more time. So the man goes into the office wearing a pair of sunglasses and claims that he has gone blind and can't see anything. The doctor thinks a moment and says, I can't help you. Here is $1000. The man looks at the note in his hand and shouts "Hey! This is only $10!" "Fantastic! You're cured!" cried the doctor "That will be $500".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kj8eb/doctor_sets_up_a_clinic/
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If you drop a piano down a mine shaft what key does it play in?

A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kj6c1/if_you_drop_a_piano_down_a_mine_shaft_what_key/
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What is Santa's favourite metal band?

Sleigh-er

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kj4np/what_is_santas_favourite_metal_band/
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Girl, is your name Trouble?

...cause your dad tells me I'm in trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kj3kj/girl_is_your_name_trouble/
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Two men are talking in a bar...

...the first man asks the other, "So where are you from?"
The other man replies "Ireland."
The first man replies "No way, me too! I'll drink to that."
The two men down their beers.
"So where in Ireland are you from?" the second man says.
"Dublin."
"No kidding, me too!" he replies.
Once again, they down their drinks.
"Where in Dublin did you live?" asks the first man.
"Main Street, and yourself?" the other replies.
"I lived on Main Street too! Cheers!" he says, and the men clink their pints together and down them swiftly.
"What was your address on Main Street?" asks the second man.
"I grew up at 154 Main Street."
"No kidding! Me too!" and once again, the men down their drinks.
The bartender looks over at them, and mumbles "Ugh... the Murphy boys are drinking again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kj3d7/two_men_are_talking_in_a_bar/
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A paedophile, a sadist, and a Priest walk into a bar.

He sits down and orders a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kj232/a_paedophile_a_sadist_and_a_priest_walk_into_a_bar/
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There's a new all girls music group that writes songs about the internet.

It's called Broadband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kiwvw/theres_a_new_all_girls_music_group_that_writes/
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What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kivvr/what_do_a_christmas_tree_and_a_priest_have_in/
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So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.
"You will be put in an airtight vault for three minutes," says the alien. "It's 3x3x3 meters and completely empty. You'll be given two balls made of a superstrong titanium alloy and no tools. Do something in the vault that will convince us that you're more interesting to us alive than dead, because if you fail to demonstrate your intelligence, we'll dissect you."
First goes the German engineer. After five minutes, the scientist alien walks into the cockpit with a disappointed look on his face.
"So we open the vault and he has managed to balance one ball on top of the other," reports the alien to the captain. "I ask him how, exactly, is this supposed to convince us that humans are an advanced species. Apparently "knowledge of basic physics" and "manual dexterity" are good enough for a human. Meh. We're dissecting him as we speak, bring in the next one."
They put the guru in, five minutes pass and the scientist alien walks into the cockpit even more disappointed.
"So we open the vault and he's sitting there in a lotus position, the two balls floating in the air around him. He even gives me the "Are you impressed?"-look, can you believe that? Apparently, lifting heavy titanium balls is impressive for the human mind. So yeah, they struggle with basic levitation; we're dissecting this one as well. Send in the last one."
The Bulgarian is put in the vault, the vault is sealed. Five minutes pass and the scientist alien bursts into the cockpit, flailing his arms and shouting excitedly at the captain and crew.
"Guys, you need to see this! Come, leave the saucer on autopilot and come! I swear, I have not seen such a thing in my entire career!"
"Calm down, what has he done?" asks the captain.
"It's unbelievable," continues the scientist, "in three minutes inside the vault he has managed to lose one of the balls and break the other."
***
The Bulgarian manages to leave the **cockpit unmanned**, thus giving the forces of Earth a **significant tactical advantage** over the aliens. The latter are fooled because they have failed to **discover the anal cavity** despite the previous two **dissections**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kiuvr/so_how_about_a_real_joke_about_bulgarians_for_a/
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What do you call a dead body and two planks?

A "Build your own Jesus" kit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kitky/what_do_you_call_a_dead_body_and_two_planks/
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What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you are NOT going to like it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kite3/what_do_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
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A blond was pulled over

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's rectangle and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a rectangle  mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kisyy/a_blond_was_pulled_over/
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My friend just got married, and now he wants to sell his 47 volume Encyclopedia Britannica. He says he doesn't need it.

His wife knows everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kipij/my_friend_just_got_married_and_now_he_wants_to/
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Something went wrong .. ha ha

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kinqn/something_went_wrong_ha_ha/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I'v never paid $20 to have a garbanzo bean on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kinpr/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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Czech Lawyer

A lawyer and his Czech friend were camping in a backwoods section of Montana. One morning, the two went out to pick berries for their breakfast. They went gathering berries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kinnx/czech_lawyer/
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What Austrian girls and wine have in common?

Both mature in a cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kiik5/what_austrian_girls_and_wine_have_in_common/
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Why are commercial flights always cheaper for vultures?

All their luggage is carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kiidm/why_are_commercial_flights_always_cheaper_for/
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Great deals on circumcisions,

Half off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kiibg/great_deals_on_circumcisions/
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A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda!
The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.
The robot slaps the mom...﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kii55/a_dad_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps_you_if/
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A panda walks into a bar

Sits down orders a sandwich. Bartender gets the sandwich from the cook in the back shortly later. The panda finished his sandwich. Gets up. Walks to the back. Shoots the cook in the head and leaves out the back door. The guy at the end of the bar freaks out "what the hell is going on man".
Bartender shrugs his shoulders "it's a panda, eats, shoots, and leaves".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kiheu/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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The definition of Rodeo Sex - When you accidentally call your partner by the wrong first name.....

Then try and stay on for 8 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kihc1/the_definition_of_rodeo_sex_when_you_accidentally/
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How do you please a woman in bed?

Let her sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kiggc/how_do_you_please_a_woman_in_bed/
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Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit card?

Neither, he used praypal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kigby/did_jesus_pay_for_our_sins_with_cash_or_credit/
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Old people always poke me at weddings and say "You're next"

So I started doing the same to them at funerals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kie5o/old_people_always_poke_me_at_weddings_and_say/
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A kiss makes my whole day

Anal makes my hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kidl7/a_kiss_makes_my_whole_day/
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kiaqn/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

because it couldn't survive in the Battlefield.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ki4y8/why_is_cod_infinite_warfare_set_in_space/
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Offered sex with 21 year old

I was offered sex today with a 21 year old girl, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ki1kr/offered_sex_with_21_year_old/
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What happensto nitrogen when the sun rises?

It becomes daytrogen
^I'msorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ki01u/what_happensto_nitrogen_when_the_sun_rises/
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someone asked me if i liked having long hair...

i told them i didn't at first but it kinda grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4khuyk/someone_asked_me_if_i_liked_having_long_hair/
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said," I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away.
"The distressed owner wailed, " Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird
from its peak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
Was cleaning up the PC and found this joke I had on a txt file, thought I'd share it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4khuts/a_woman_brought_a_very_limp_duck_into_a/
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Why do people nickname Cersei's kids after sandwich meats?

Because they're both in bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4khsyt/why_do_people_nickname_cerseis_kids_after/
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4khrw8/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/
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A box from IKEA came to my door, sent from this tourist girl I've been on two dates with.

I don't think she understood when I said I wanted a one-night stand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4khr9j/a_box_from_ikea_came_to_my_door_sent_from_this/
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German Chinese food is great but it only has one problem.

An hour later you're hungry for power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4khr5b/german_chinese_food_is_great_but_it_only_has_one/
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Did you hear about the Casino that hired a Blacksmith?

He who smelt it, dealt it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4khqkn/did_you_hear_about_the_casino_that_hired_a/
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I'm tired of this one night stand mentality in college...

I have multiple lamps and alarm clocks, I need at least two night stands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4khnpe/im_tired_of_this_one_night_stand_mentality_in/
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Dark Jokes are like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4khjgt/dark_jokes_are_like_food/
%
What do you call a hispanic man who spilled his nachos?

A messycan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4khg58/what_do_you_call_a_hispanic_man_who_spilled_his/
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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time...

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.", so she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kh7eq/a_woman_was_very_distraught_at_the_fact_that_she/
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Doctor's Office

A man is called into the doctor's office for his yearly checkup. When he enters the office, the doctor tells the man that he needs to stop masturbating.
The man is taken aback. Angrily, he asks the doctor why.
The doctor says "So I can examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kh6kp/doctors_office/
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An argument for swallowing. NSFW

A wife is giving her husband a blowjob, and she looks up at him when he's getting ready to blow his load.
"Don't cum in my mouth," she says warningly.
The husband calmly replies, "Baby, I don't wanna fuck up your hair, we're in a nice restaurant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kh650/an_argument_for_swallowing_nsfw/
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Two Vampires Walk Into A Bar

An American vampire walks into a bar and gets a shot of blood.
A British vampire walks in and gets a glass of hot water.
The American vampire goes up to the British one and asks,
"What the fuck are you doing?"
He pulls out a tampon and says,
" I'm making my tea you bloody bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kh4gu/two_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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Father: You're grounded. Son: Jim Morrison sucked! *storms off to room*

Father:  What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kh0md/father_youre_grounded_son_jim_morrison_sucked/
%
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said- 'the food looks delicious, let's eat.'
Wife: 'Honey.....you pray before every meal when eating at home'
Husband: 'that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kgzkt/a_couple_was_having_dinner_at_a_fancy_restaurant/
%
My friend was worried about the results of his HIV test, so I told him to assume he was going to die.

I don't see why he got angry at me though, I was just want him to be negative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kgxz3/my_friend_was_worried_about_the_results_of_his/
%
What's less funny than /r/Funny?

/r/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kgv6k/whats_less_funny_than_rfunny/
%
What's the worst thing about being a black Jew?

You have to sit at the back seat of the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kgt12/whats_the_worst_thing_about_being_a_black_jew/
%
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

17, 1 to hold the lightbulb, 1 to hold the ladder and the other 15 to drink whiskey until the roof spins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kgqhw/how_many_irishmen_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we killed the only one who had a dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kgotj/why_do_black_people_only_have_nightmares/
%
A man went to the zoo. All they had to exhibit was a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kgnrl/a_man_went_to_the_zoo_all_they_had_to_exhibit_was/
%
What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?

They're both fun to ride, until your friends find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kgmln/what_do_fat_girls_and_mopeds_have_in_common/
%
Why is it a bad idea to run behind a car?

You'll get exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kgdzs/why_is_it_a_bad_idea_to_run_behind_a_car/
%
Nobody ever believes me when I say I have to go to the bathroom.

They always  say that I'm full of crap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kgdd3/nobody_ever_believes_me_when_i_say_i_have_to_go/
%
On the bright side

selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kgclv/on_the_bright_side/
%
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kgaow/i_recently_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
What did Jesus say after he was resurrected?

Nailed it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kg53u/what_did_jesus_say_after_he_was_resurrected/
%
Condoms...

Are for pussies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kg3ja/condoms/
%
The Genie In The Lamp

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said: "You have released me from my lamp… This is the eighth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of granting all of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get ONE wish. What's it going to be?"
The man sat and thought about it for a while before finally saying, "I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m too scared to fly and I get very seasick on boats. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That’s impossible. Think of the logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete and steel that would require! No, think of another wish!" The man said "OK", and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I'm too insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I'd like to know why they’re crying and what they really want from me when they say "nothing". I want to know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kg0ir/the_genie_in_the_lamp/
%
They say nice guys finish last..

But isn't that what most women prefer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kfzyx/they_say_nice_guys_finish_last/
%
The cheating wife...

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here, hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kfx0f/the_cheating_wife/
%
Why does the population of Detroit never change?

Because as soon as a baby is born, some guy leaves town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kfv96/why_does_the_population_of_detroit_never_change/
%
Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kfszh/why_is_cod_infinite_warfare_set_in_space/
%
What do you call it when a king rips a fart?..

Air to the throne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kfqbn/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_king_rips_a_fart/
%
What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on your organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kfpxi/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
I got a bottle of scotch for my wife...

...that's not a bad trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kfp9n/i_got_a_bottle_of_scotch_for_my_wife/
%
What's the easiest way to get a little head?

The Zika virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kfoni/whats_the_easiest_way_to_get_a_little_head/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
I eat mop
I eat mop who?
That's disgusting. You shouldn't tell people that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kfipc/knock_knock/
%
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We better get some support soon or people will think we're nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kffu1/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
Knock knock? Who's there? Come in. Come in who?

Me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kff29/knock_knock_whos_there_come_in_come_in_who/
%
Memes

This is my first post, make it good. I want memes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kfbst/memes/
%
My math teacher from highschool thought she was so smart and intelligent

yet when I graduated, she was still in highschool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kfb6e/my_math_teacher_from_highschool_thought_she_was/
%
Tits are like Lego bricks.

They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kf8om/tits_are_like_lego_bricks/
%
When do you kick a midget in the balls?

When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kf8fw/when_do_you_kick_a_midget_in_the_balls/
%
I'm making a movie about a guy who thinks his girlfriend is cheating on him, so he secretly followers her around to keep an eye on her.

It's called "Bae Watch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kf7at/im_making_a_movie_about_a_guy_who_thinks_his/
%
How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house?

Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kf2fs/how_do_you_know_if_a_chinese_person_robs_your/
%
The Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kf0mb/the_creation_of_a_pussy/
%
Politician and money

Robber walks towards a politician and says "Give me your money". Politician replies with "Do you know who am i ? I'm a politician(any name)". And then robber responds "Okay. Give me my money".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4key6p/politician_and_money/
%
A Pirate walks into a bar with a paper towl on his head....

Bartender goes "Hey buddy whats with the paper towl on your head?"
The Pirate replies "Arrr I got a bounty on me head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kexkn/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_paper_towl_on/
%
Why did the Mexican take his Xanax?

For hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kex7p/why_did_the_mexican_take_his_xanax/
%
The best part about owning a pet.

You can blame your dog for farting,
you can blame your cat for things falling over at night, and you can blame your goldfish for the screaming in the basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kewih/the_best_part_about_owning_a_pet/
%
I don't like how funerals are usually at 9 or 10 AM.

I'm not a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4keuq4/i_dont_like_how_funerals_are_usually_at_9_or_10_am/
%
An American, a German, a Jew and a Chinese guy were walking through the woods...

A caterpillar falls on the American. The American throws it to the German, the German throws it to the Jew and the Jew throws it to the Chinese guy, who eats it. They walk a bit more and another caterpillar falls on the American. He throws to it the German, the German throws it to the Jew. The Jew turns the Chinese guy and tells him - "hey man, wanna buy a caterpillar?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4keu30/an_american_a_german_a_jew_and_a_chinese_guy_were/
%
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kes8t/i_think_my_neighbor_is_stalking_me_as_shes_been/
%
I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?"

I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kem95/i_said_to_the_gym_instructor_can_you_teach_me_to/
%
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kelb5/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
That would be weird if a pirate got a mastectomy...

wooden tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kei8r/that_would_be_weird_if_a_pirate_got_a_mastectomy/
%
A man ordered for a voice automated robot car

that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car...
Car, go and bring my children from school.
The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.
As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said... "These are your children sir..!"
In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, his wife's best friend's daughter, his secretary's son and their neighbours two sons.
The Wife in full anger said
Don't tell me all these are your children..??
The man asked her calmly...
First you tell me why our children are not in the car ??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kei2q/a_man_ordered_for_a_voice_automated_robot_car/
%
A woman asked a general the last time he has had sex...

A woman asked a general in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general and said "well you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kegsz/a_woman_asked_a_general_the_last_time_he_has_had/
%
Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?

So they would end up with seasoned veterans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kefhb/why_did_the_romans_pay_their_soldiers_in_salt/
%
Where do computer scientists go to have a drink?

To the foobar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kedx2/where_do_computer_scientists_go_to_have_a_drink/
%
Energizer bunny arrested.

Charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4keb4i/energizer_bunny_arrested/
%
What's the difference between eating out pussy and drinking American Beer?

Pussy only tastes like piss in the beginning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4keasi/whats_the_difference_between_eating_out_pussy_and/
%
What's the national bird of Pakistan?

US Army Drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ke98f/whats_the_national_bird_of_pakistan/
%
today i won a raffle.

received a life supply of marmite, one whole jar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ke7ug/today_i_won_a_raffle/
%
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar & drinking

Shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me  to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I  haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to  marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a  hell lot of family problems.'
The American said, talking  about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.  'I married a widow whom  I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.  After a couple of years, my  father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father  became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.  More problems occurred when I had a son.  My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations  turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother  is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my  own grandson.  And you say you have family problems.'
The Indian fainted........... !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ke2rs/two_men_one_american_and_an_indian_were_sitting/
%
A tourist is walking along the riverbank in Paris

when a Frenchman runs and pushes him in.
Spluttering and angry, the tourist shouts "Are you crazy?"
To which the Frenchmen replies laughing "No, but you're in Seine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ke15h/a_tourist_is_walking_along_the_riverbank_in_paris/
%
Harry wakes up in heaven...

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? And who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" Said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shouting
"Harry, for Christ's sake wake up, you're shitting on the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ke068/harry_wakes_up_in_heaven/
%
Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on the new Top Gear?

It doesn't make sense, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdycy/why_is_joey_tribbiani_a_presenter_on_the_new_top/
%
Bernie Sanders looks and sounds like the High Sparrow from GoT, but that's an unfair comparison.

By next season, Reddit will still remember the High Sparrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdxig/bernie_sanders_looks_and_sounds_like_the_high/
%
What kind of porn do ghosts prefer to watch?

Boo-kake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdweu/what_kind_of_porn_do_ghosts_prefer_to_watch/
%
My old man got me today...

Me: alright, dad, see you in a few hours.
Dad: okay, drive safe.
Me: I'll make sure to drive really fast and without any caution.
Dad: that would be an improvement to your usual driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdtyh/my_old_man_got_me_today/
%
One soldier...

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdt0t/one_soldier/
%
I'll have you know my grandfather was killed by a Nazi.

He committed suicide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdswc/ill_have_you_know_my_grandfather_was_killed_by_a/
%
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One or two? One.... or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdqwb/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
It took me 6 months to finish a puzzle..

..which I think is amazing considering the box said 2-4 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdqqw/it_took_me_6_months_to_finish_a_puzzle/
%
some people are like slinkys

They really aren't good for anything but it feels great when you push them down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdqgx/some_people_are_like_slinkys/
%
what's the difference between

a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdlul/whats_the_difference_between/
%
A Mexican magician says...

...that he'll disappear on the count of three.
"Uno... dos..."
**POOF!!**
He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdk4s/a_mexican_magician_says/
%
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

**An American.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdjmh/if_someone_who_speaks_two_languages_is_bilingual/
%
If life gives you melons...

...you may be dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdiuw/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
Why can't horses vote?

'Cause their answer is always 'nay'.
I'm sorry, I'll leave...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdinv/why_cant_horses_vote/
%
Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdgnn/cessna_plane_crashed_into_a_cemetery/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

...none. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the shit out of the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdf6q/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
The General

got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the Gen finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the Gen a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the Gen will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the Gen to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the Gen was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.
The farmer asked the Gen,  "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The Gen answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdet9/the_general/
%
Some of the jokes on this page are so dark

I'm surprised they haven't been shot yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdejl/some_of_the_jokes_on_this_page_are_so_dark/
%
I've been dating a homeless woman recently and I think it's getting serious...

She's asked me to move out with her...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdcpx/ive_been_dating_a_homeless_woman_recently_and_i/
%
Woke up early this morning to try to catch the fog.

I Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdc9f/woke_up_early_this_morning_to_try_to_catch_the_fog/
%
Recently had to translate this from Chinese, wondering if there's something similar in other languages:

A drunk is stumbling around under a street light. A stranger walks past, sees him and says "what are you doing?". The drunk says "I'm looking for my house keys, they fell out of my pocket". So the stranger helps him look around. A good while passes. They've looked all over the place and find nothing. Finally, the stranger says "where exactly did you drop the keys?". The Drunk says "I lost them as soon as I stepped out of my house". The stranger, furious, says "what the hell you doing looking for them here, then!?". The drunk, righteous in his conviction says "because there's a light here!".
&nbsp;
Was translated from a presentation on investment, FTR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kdb0f/recently_had_to_translate_this_from_chinese/
%
There was an explosion at a French cheese store

Everywhere you looked, there was a lot of de brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kd9gk/there_was_an_explosion_at_a_french_cheese_store/
%
What do you call somebody with no body and just a nose?

Nobody knows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kd76f/what_do_you_call_somebody_with_no_body_and_just_a/
%
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot.  I think 20% is a fair cut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kd6cv/three_burglars_break_into_a_building_and_are/
%
Had a trip to the Docs

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said “Can u describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kd5wf/had_a_trip_to_the_docs/
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In the sleepy village of Erbum

, in the town of Tillet, Hertsfordshire lives a lady by the name of Linda Lykes. She owns the local pub named "The Cock Inn". Her mail is addressed:
Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
Erbum
Tillet, Hérts.
Cracks the mailman up with every delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kd4xc/in_the_sleepy_village_of_erbum/
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A newbie at work asked me if I knew where the coloured printer was.

I said "It's 2016, Jamal, you can use any printer you want"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kd3og/a_newbie_at_work_asked_me_if_i_knew_where_the/
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Two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets of Rome...

One turns to the other and says, "Wow, I've never come this way before!"
The other nun says, "Oh, it's the cobblestones!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kd20z/two_nuns_were_riding_their_bicycles_through_the/
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Would you marry again?

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The husband said, "No sweetie."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"  And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kd1yd/would_you_marry_again/
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They won't admit the Egypt flight crashed...

...because they're all in *da nile.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kd07c/they_wont_admit_the_egypt_flight_crashed/
%
I really, really need to stop eating clocks

It is very time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kcv41/i_really_really_need_to_stop_eating_clocks/
%
How did the T-Rex feel after his workout session?

He felt dinosore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kcuw4/how_did_the_trex_feel_after_his_workout_session/
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(a little nsfw) Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car...

...when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kcts4/a_little_nsfw_three_men_a_philosopher_a/
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Q: why did the blond stare at her orange juice for 2 hours?

A: because it said "concentrate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kcsqu/q_why_did_the_blond_stare_at_her_orange_juice_for/
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What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A unemployed male college graduate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kcq41/what_do_you_call_a_can_opener_that_doesnt_work/
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Prove it! NSFW

Paddy had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "how you doin?"
Paddy says, "Okay, do me a favour mate. Run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's 19 years old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, " your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, " get away with ya....prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fucking one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kcq36/prove_it_nsfw/
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A ventriloquist runs a show

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kcnwg/a_ventriloquist_runs_a_show/
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So a Doctor Has To Give a Patient Some Bad News.

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kclez/so_a_doctor_has_to_give_a_patient_some_bad_news/
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Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders are on a plane. The plane crashes. Who survives?

America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kcj8f/donald_trump_hillary_clinton_and_bernie_sanders/
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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kciob/a_mother_shark_is_teaching_her_young_how_to_eat/
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A vegan buddhist...

...decides to jump off the roof of a meat factory as the ultimate form of protest believing that he will be reincarnated. He became a vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kcidx/a_vegan_buddhist/
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Mission Impossible

United State Air Force has a high security, super secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
One afternoon, a Cessna landed at this "secret" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded & the pilot was interrogated.
The pilot's story was that - he took off from Vegas, got lost & spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot & held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost & wasn't a spy.
They re fueled his airplane, threatened him that if he lands again he would spend the rest of his life in prison, and let him go.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force personnel, the same Cessna landed there again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out & said:
"Do anything you want - to me, but my wife is in the plane & you have to tell her ... where the hell I was last night!"
Wives....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kcgc9/mission_impossible/
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Two antennas met on a roof

and got married. The ceremony was okay, but the reception was great.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kc70v/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof/
%
Scientists say men think about sex every 8 seconds...

...that's why I can eat a hot-dog in 7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kc1ul/scientists_say_men_think_about_sex_every_8_seconds/
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A magicians last trick

A magician stood in front of a crowd. "For this last trick I will make myself appear in 100 different places around this very room" said the magician. The crowd watched in disbelief. "3...2...1...abracadabra". Yet the magician was still there. "Hmm let me try that again 3...2...1...abracadabra". Nothing. The magician starts to panic and checks his handbook for the instructions. "Ah ha!" says the magician. "I wasn't saying the correct magic word". He stands in front of the crowd again and says "3...2...1...ALLAHU AKBAR".
Needless to say the crowd was blown away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kc1jv/a_magicians_last_trick/
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A bear walks into a bar

The bear asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars."
The bear replies, "If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there."
The bartender says, "Go ahead."
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs."
"What do mean?" asks the bear. "I'm not on drugs."
"Then what about the bar bitch you ate?", replies the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbx1b/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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Could eating a lot of spaghetti make me a better dad?

I suppose it's pastable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbvl7/could_eating_a_lot_of_spaghetti_make_me_a_better/
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High school plays are a lot like airplanes.

People only want to hear about them if they crash and burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbtxx/high_school_plays_are_a_lot_like_airplanes/
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Schrodinger's Crush:

Before you ask her out, she is both single and taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbsrj/schrodingers_crush/
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Three vampires walk into a bar

The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbrh2/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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My Asian girlfriend told me there's nothing wrong with having a little penis.

I still wish she didn't have one, though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbola/my_asian_girlfriend_told_me_theres_nothing_wrong/
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What do you call a French vacation?

A retreat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbofj/what_do_you_call_a_french_vacation/
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A boy and his grandfather are fishing

The grandfather pulls out a flask and takes a swig. His grandson asks "Can I have a sip?"
"Can your dick touch your asshole?" replies the old man.
"No" says the boy.
"Then you're too young for whiskey"
A little while passes and the grandfather pulls out a cigarette and lights up.
"Can I try one?" the boy asks.
"Can your dick touch your asshole?" the grandfather asks again.
"No" the boy says
"Then you're too young for tobacco"
Dejected the little boy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bag of M&Ms to snack on. The grandfather notices and says "Can I have some?"
"Can your dick touch your asshole?" the boy asks
"Yes" the old man says smiling
The little boy smiles back and says "Then go fuck yourself because you're not getting any of my M&Ms"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbn8j/a_boy_and_his_grandfather_are_fishing/
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Short Dad Joke

These kind of jokes always make me laugh a little, if you don't get it at first.. think about it!
"A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbmhw/short_dad_joke/
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Why do people keep buying velcro?

It's such a ripoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbloq/why_do_people_keep_buying_velcro/
%
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Credit goes to a friend who found it on tumblr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbjdb/once_upon_a_time_there_were_three_kingdoms_all/
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Are you a haunted house?

Because every time I come inside you I shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbi5e/are_you_a_haunted_house/
%
Before you insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes...

That way when you do insult them you're already a mile away and you have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbfq4/before_you_insult_someone_walk_a_mile_in_their/
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What do you get when you shoot a Mexican golfer?

A hole in Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbbfb/what_do_you_get_when_you_shoot_a_mexican_golfer/
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What do you call a nursing home with a buffet?

A Golden Corral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kbabr/what_do_you_call_a_nursing_home_with_a_buffet/
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Why are men smarter while having sex?

Because they're plugged into a know it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kb74c/why_are_men_smarter_while_having_sex/
%
How do you get Sigmund Freud to screw a lightbulb?

Tell him the lightbulb is his mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kb3zn/how_do_you_get_sigmund_freud_to_screw_a_lightbulb/
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A joke told by the mods of this sub.

"Long"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kb05d/a_joke_told_by_the_mods_of_this_sub/
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What do you call a homeless college student?

A philosophy major

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kazie/what_do_you_call_a_homeless_college_student/
%
[Long] A man boards his plane...

A man boards a plane and sits down in his spot. Beside him was a very well-to-do looking man in an expensive suit. The man thought that it would be nice to be that rich and sat down as the plane took off.
Around 15 minutes into the flight, the rich man turns and says to the other man: "Hello my name's Bill, this is a long flight and I was wondering if you want to pass the time playing a little game"
The man responded "I'm Fred, what kind of game do you have in mind?"
"A little game of knowledge, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, however, if I don't know the answer to your question I'll pay you $500" Bill explained.
"Seems reasonable" Fred agreed to the game.
"Perfect! So, I'll go first. What is the distance between earth and the Moon?" Bill asked.
Fred unfortunately did not have the answer. "I don't know" he replied as he handed over $5.
"Sorry pal, the answer is 384 400 kilometres. But now it's your turn"
"What walks on 2 legs in the morning, 4 in the afternoon and 8 in the evening?" Fred riddled.
Bill looked stumped. He started to google it and ask his friends but found no solution. Disappointed, Bill handed over $500. Fred then began to relax, having just paid off his plane trip and hotel.
"Well," Bill began, "What's the answer to your riddle?"
Fred smiled. "No fucking clue" and handed Bill $5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kaxj3/long_a_man_boards_his_plane/
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How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries.     =     You really messed up this time.
Take care.     =     This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Cheers!     =     I have no respect for you or myself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kavz4/how_to_translate_work_emails/
%
My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kav9l/my_daughter_told_me_this_one_today_and_it_had_me/
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What did the coach say to his star player after he pissed his pants?

Hey man urine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4katxr/what_did_the_coach_say_to_his_star_player_after/
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How many Morrissey fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because there is a light that never goes out!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kascf/how_many_morrissey_fans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Apparently the USA is the biggest contributor to noise pollution in the world

My solution: put a silencer in every school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kar61/apparently_the_usa_is_the_biggest_contributor_to/
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Two ninjas are training in a field.

One ninja says "I'll bet you can't hit that that target with your throwing star."
The other ninja says "Shur-I-ken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kaoa1/two_ninjas_are_training_in_a_field/
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Apparently there is a way to permanently remove memories

But I forgot it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kao9h/apparently_there_is_a_way_to_permanently_remove/
%
Why did the hard drive crash?

Because it had a bad driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kao99/why_did_the_hard_drive_crash/
%
a mushroom walks into a bar

And the bartender says "we don't serve your kind here". The mushroom replies "what I'm a fungi".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kao6g/a_mushroom_walks_into_a_bar/
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What never comes but always leaves?

My dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kah6g/what_never_comes_but_always_leaves/
%
Why did the bowler bring two pairs of pants?

He wanted a spare in case he had a split.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kag33/why_did_the_bowler_bring_two_pairs_of_pants/
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Friends are like trees.

If you chop them down with an axe they will die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kafsf/friends_are_like_trees/
%
What do you call a Jewish Pokémon trainer?

Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kafb5/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokémon_trainer/
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How many people with no humor does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kadfx/how_many_people_with_no_humor_does_it_take_to/
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Just got banned from B&Q,

some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking!!
Lucky I got the first punch in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kaccw/just_got_banned_from_bq/
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This happened on a flight getting ready to

depart for New Orleans.
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy
took the seat beside him. The guy was an
emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking,
moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's
crazy people there. They've got lots of
shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs,
poor public schools, and the highest
crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life.
It's not as bad as the media says. Find a
nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a nice private
school.
It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your
word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kabmp/this_happened_on_a_flight_getting_ready_to/
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How do you kill a hipster?

by drowning them in the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kaaxq/how_do_you_kill_a_hipster/
%
Why didn't Trump drown?

Because shit floats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kaakr/why_didnt_trump_drown/
%
What's the longest word in English?

smiles. Because there's a mile between both S.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kaaew/whats_the_longest_word_in_english/
%
If you like pee jokes...

...urine luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ka9z7/if_you_like_pee_jokes/
%
What turns a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ka8sd/what_turns_a_fruit_into_a_vegetable/
%
(nsfw) Why did God invent yeast infections?

So women also will know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ka57j/nsfw_why_did_god_invent_yeast_infections/
%
What did GabeN tell his wife when she shouted "shut your hole" at him?

"Babe, it's a valve!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ka4z7/what_did_gaben_tell_his_wife_when_she_shouted/
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What do you call it when you say "please" and "thank you" during sex?

common Coitusy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ka3li/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_say_please_and_thank/
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Farmer John's wife kept nagging him to fix the outhouse

But every time he went to check it out, he couldn't find anything wrong with it.
One day he'd had enough. He calls his wife out to take a look with him. He shines a flashlight around the tiny poopshack and shows her that it is fine and functioning. Not a thing of beauty, but it serves its purpose.
"Check the hole", she says.
He points the light at the seat and down through the hole, but he can't see what she could be talking about. She motions him forward and tells him to look inside. He sticks his head inside the hole and pokes the flashlight in beside his face.
"I can't see anything in here! You're crazy, there's nothing wrong with the outhouse."
He pulls his head from the hole. He's almost free when his beard catches in a crack in the wood. Farmer John screams in pain.
His wife looks down at him. "Hurts, don't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ka3bq/farmer_johns_wife_kept_nagging_him_to_fix_the/
%
I asked God for a bike,

but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ka1yf/i_asked_god_for_a_bike/
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Pedophiles may be bad people...

... but at least they drive slow through the school zones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ka065/pedophiles_may_be_bad_people/
%
A Preacher is at his dying church members bed

The preacher is talking to the man, saying how he will say a prayer for his quick healing when all of a sudden the man begins to attempt to tell him something
The man motions with his hand so the pastor steps closer
"What is it? What do you need?" The pastor asked
The man looks around the room and grabs the pen and paper and scribbles something on the paper
As he hands the paper to the pastor the man passes away. The pastor takes the paper without reading it and folds it into his pocket as he began to read a passage from the bible.
A few days later at the mans funeral the pastor is giving a speech "I knew him very well...and actually I have the rare opportunity of reading his last words that he wrote just before he went to meet the lord. I have not read this note until now so we will all be privileged to hear them together"
The pastor pulls the paper out and reads aloud " It reads, You are stepping on my oxygen cord"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9z86/a_preacher_is_at_his_dying_church_members_bed/
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I was walking down the street the other day and I saw a guide dog piss on his owners leg...

To my disbelief the blind old guy reached into his pocket and got out a treat for the dog and fed it to him. I went over and said ''Hey, your dog just pissed on your leg you know, how come you're giving him treats?''
He said ''I'm trying to see which end his mouth is 'cause he's getting a kick in the bollox in a minute''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9xb4/i_was_walking_down_the_street_the_other_day_and_i/
%
I like my women like I like my whiskey.

Aged 14 years and mixed up in a little coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9w8t/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
%
And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life"

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9w5k/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and/
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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everyone who can run, jump or swim is already in the states.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9vms/why_doesnt_mexico_have_an_olympic_team/
%
An old WWII veteran was speaking with his grandson

and extolling the virtues of being reckless and enjoying life while young.
"When I was your age, I went to Paris with some lads and we had a great time! We had our way with any French women we wanted, pissed on the Eifel tower, and beat the shit out of every Frog that crossed our paths! You have to live it up while you're young!"
So the grandson got some buddies and went to Paris. After thoroughly getting the shit beat out of them for picking fights, assaulting women, and vandalizing monuments, the boy returned home to his grandfather, dejected.
"Grandpa, it wasn't anything like you said - we did all of that stuff you did but we got our asses handed to us", he says in tears.
"Well, kid, who'd you go with?"
"Just some of my college buddies", he sniffs, "why, who did you go with?"
"The Third Reich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9uvk/an_old_wwii_veteran_was_speaking_with_his_grandson/
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What days are strong days?

Saturday and Sunday, because the rest are weak days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9sse/what_days_are_strong_days/
%
A guy walks into a bar and notices a large glass full of money...

... He asks the bartender what is the glass for and he responds:
- It's an old bet I have going on, if you win you get all the money in the glass and a keys to a new Ferrari.
- Well tell me what I have to do to win! He responds.
- First you gotta pay up, ten bucks.
Not sure if he wanted to pay ten dollars right away he pressed the bartender for more information about the bet but he remained adamant.
- Pay up and I'll tell you.
- Fine, fine, here's your ten.
- Alright, so there are three things you have to do; firstly, you need to down an entire bottle of tequila in a minute without any facial expression, then you need to help my bulldog out back who has a bad tooth, you know be a dentist, and finally there's a ninety year old lady upstairs who's never had sex, you need to fix that.
- What all of that?!?! He exclaims.
- You paid your ten dollars now are you going to do it or no?
After a while of thinking, he finally responds:
- Give me the tequila.
The bartender grins as the man grabs the bottle and starts drinking. He manages to drink it all in just 57 seconds without any expression crossing his face. He heads outside and all that the bar can hear are sounds of growling, shouts of pain and screams. This goes on for a few minutes before it stops and goes silent. The man enters through the front door. All of his clothes are ripped to shreds and lacerated but through a painful breath he asks:
- Now where's the woman with the bad tooth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9smo/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_notices_a_large_glass/
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No plastic surgeon will help me!

I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9sd8/no_plastic_surgeon_will_help_me/
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Dude, how the hell do you breathe through that thing?!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9s3k/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
%
Why was the snowman smiling?

Because he saw a snowblower coming down the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9o9i/why_was_the_snowman_smiling/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9n6b/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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Bus full of nuns

A bus full of nuns was returning to the abbey from a trip.  Unfortunately, the bus was involved in a serious accident, and four of the nuns died instantly.
The four nuns all went to heaven, and were greeted by St. Peter at the gates of heaven.  Beside St. Peter was also a vast pool of holy water.
St. Peter explained, "Sisters, welcome to the kingdom of heaven. In order to enter, you must confess any unconfessed sins."
The first nun in line spoke up, "St. Peter, I confess that I've seen a penis once."
St. Peter responded, "Okay, sister, please splash your eyes with the holy water in the pool, and you may enter heaven." So, the first nun splashed her eyes with the holy water and entered heaven.
The second nun then said, "St. Peter, I confess that I've touched a penis once."
St. Peter replied, "Okay sister, please wash your hands in this pool of holy water, and you may also enter heaven."  So, the second nun washed her hands and entered heaven.
All of a sudden, the 4th nun started to try to push ahead of the third nun.  To this, St. Peter said, "Sisters, please, there is no rush, everybody will have a chance to enter heaven."
Then, the fourth nun, clearly upset, yelled, "I know, but I want to swish water in my mouth before she sticks her ass in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9m55/bus_full_of_nuns/
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Three Veterans walk into the VA

3 injured veterans show up at the VA for their disability stipend.
The nurse meets them. "Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we've lost your records. Given the political climate the colonel has authorized me to pay you based on the length of any part of your body."
The first vet says "okay, pay me based on the length of my arms."
The nurse pulls out a measuring tape and measures his arms.
"Okay sir your arms are 3 feet long. You qualify for $30k a year in disability."
The second vet says "okay, pay me based on the top of my head down to the tip of my toes."
The nurse measures him and says,
"Okay sir, you are six feet tall. You qualify for $60k a year in disabilty."
The third vet says "I want you to measure from the tip of my penis down to my balls."
"Very funny sir."
"I'm serious, do it."
Sighing, the nurse puts on gloves and holds up the man's penis and starts at the tip.
"Wait a minute, where are your balls?"
The third vet jerks a thumb over his shoulder.
"Fucking 'Nam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9ioj/three_veterans_walk_into_the_va/
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One of Colin Mochrie's many gut busters.

Famous Irish hit-man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClardy was arrested today, and confessed to the crime of beating a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcilean dolls. The police admit, this may be the first recorded instance of a knick knack paddy whack...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9dgz/one_of_colin_mochries_many_gut_busters/
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My favorite knock knock joke when I'm feeling like an asshole.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Actually it's 'to whom'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9csx/my_favorite_knock_knock_joke_when_im_feeling_like/
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What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9azx/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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WW2 wasn't that bad for him

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man.  "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest.  The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k99ed/ww2_wasnt_that_bad_for_him/
%
I saw a squirrel pooping the other day.

Shit's Nuts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k9977/i_saw_a_squirrel_pooping_the_other_day/
%
What do you call a bad Italian neighborhood?

The spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k98sr/what_do_you_call_a_bad_italian_neighborhood/
%
What’s big, white and goes down on you in the middle of the night?

An Airbus A320.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k947y/whats_big_white_and_goes_down_on_you_in_the/
%
Two pedophiles are on a beach

One says to the other "Can you move you're in my sun"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k93d7/two_pedophiles_are_on_a_beach/
%
If there are two things Trump voters hate...

The first is being called, "racist."
And the second is black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k922n/if_there_are_two_things_trump_voters_hate/
%
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a frozen lake.

They weren't talking so I decided to go over and break the ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8ywj/donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton_are_on_a_frozen/
%
I'm not convinced faith can move mountains, but I know what it can do to skyscrapers.

(Come on, it's been 15 years.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8xmo/im_not_convinced_faith_can_move_mountains_but_i/
%
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?

A polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8um1/whats_the_dumbest_animal_in_the_jungle/
%
A plane crashes on an island...

Once a plane crashed on an island.Three passengers managed to grab parachutes and landed safely only to find them surrounded by cannibals.The cannibals' leader approached them and said:"You three have only two choices.Either we eat you or you complete a task i give you and you will be free."
The three passengers immediately accepted to do the task.
The leader said:"There are two steps in the task.The first one is that each one of you must bring ten fruits of the same kind but you cannot bring the same kind of fruit as your comrades.
In short if one of you brings ten coconuts,the other two cannot choos3 coconuts."
The first one looked around the island and found ten apples.
He returned to the leader and handed him the apples.
The leader then said:"Now the step is to shove each of the ten apples in your asshole BUT you must not makeany noise of any kind.No crying,talking or laughing or else we eat you."
The man shoved the first apple and grunted.The cannibals ate him.
The second one found ten cherries.He went to the leader and the latter explained him the rules.
He started shoving the cherries one by one.As he was shoving the ninth cherry,he started to roar and laugh so loudly that tears came in his eyes.
The cannibal leader said:You broke the rules and now we must eat you.But why did you laugh if you could just be free if you had shoved the last cherry into your asshole.
The passenger said:"I saw the last one coming with ten pineapples!!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8ujd/a_plane_crashes_on_an_island/
%
If I had to describe myself in three words...

It would be; Tall, dark and unable to follow basic instructions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8u3d/if_i_had_to_describe_myself_in_three_words/
%
Three people of distinctly different national and/or ethnic origins walk into a bar.

The first one says something normal and expected.
The second one says something equally typical of what a person in their position might say.
The third one insults all of their countrymen and/or other group to which they belong by making a remark or behavior that is both stereotypical of that group of people, as well as entirely inappropriate to the situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8txk/three_people_of_distinctly_different_national/
%
On a scale of North Korea to America,

how free are you this weekend?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8twl/on_a_scale_of_north_korea_to_america/
%
I gave self deprecating humor a go once...

...I was terrible at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8qmn/i_gave_self_deprecating_humor_a_go_once/
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Did you hear about the Native American man who drank 200 cups of tea?

He nearly drowned in his own teepee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8qax/did_you_hear_about_the_native_american_man_who/
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Sailor Cant Take It

So a couple of sailors were sitting around the ship's mess hall  trading stories of their most adventurous sexual encounters.  Trading stories back and fourth they realized that Jim hadn't said anything at all.  So Jim's shipmates ask him to tell them a really juicy sex story.  Jim replied " I don't have one. I'm a virgin."
His shipmates were flabbergasted by this and told him. "When we get to port we are getting you a hooker!"
So they arrived at port and Jim's shipmates did what they promised and took him to the brothel.
Jim's picks out his girl and they head to their room.  The hooker asked.  "OK sailor what will it be?
Jim replies " I"m not sure? I've never been in this situation before."
Hooker says: Listen, you and 5,000 sailors just got to port I don't have time to figure this out for you!"
Sailor replies" "What are my options?"
Madam: " Whatever you want! Straight pussy, up the ass, 69... Your choice!"
Sailor says:  "Oookkk I'll try that 69."
So they both undress and the hooker jumps on top.  They both start going at it and the hooker's stomach starts to bubble up and she lets a nasty fart out. She takes a quick but concerning look back and sees the fart didn't break the sailor's stride, he is still going at it.  So she returns to sucking his dick.  Then her stomach starts acting up again, and again she rips a nasty fart right in his face.  She looks back this time and asks " Everything ok back there?"
Sailor replies:  "Yes, ma'am.  But I'm not sure I can take 67 more of those!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8pet/sailor_cant_take_it/
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What do David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher chocolates have in common?

They both come in a posh box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8mxw/what_do_david_beckham_and_ferrero_rocher/
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A woman goes to a new gynecologist for an exam.

He takes a look and she's embarrassed to hear "That's a big vagina! That's a big vagina!" from betwixt her nethers.
Flustered, the woman replies, "I know it is, but you didn't have to say it twice!"
Doc answers back, "I only said it once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8l1s/a_woman_goes_to_a_new_gynecologist_for_an_exam/
%
Caring for mom

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered..
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.
She wrote to the first son: "Milton, the house you built is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
She wrote to the second son: "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never used the Mercedes and the driver is so rude."
She wrote to the third son: "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8kqm/caring_for_mom/
%
What's the best Disney song to listen to while having a threesome?

You've Got a Friend in Me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8gnz/whats_the_best_disney_song_to_listen_to_while/
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Do you know any columbine jokes?

I guess I'll give it a shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8ffr/do_you_know_any_columbine_jokes/
%
I arranged a fundraising event for victims of land mines last week. Total waste of time though!!

Only half the people turned up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8d1y/i_arranged_a_fundraising_event_for_victims_of/
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My dad always said there was nothing wrong with black people

He believed everybody should own one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8ant/my_dad_always_said_there_was_nothing_wrong_with/
%
I wish my parents ran when they heard The Rolling Stones.

Now they're stuck under a pile of rocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8a91/i_wish_my_parents_ran_when_they_heard_the_rolling/
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I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k89av/i_believe_a_lot_of_conflict_in_the_wild_west/
%
How are the homeless like votes?

Republicans have them thrown out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8793/how_are_the_homeless_like_votes/
%
Why is Islam so unethical towards its employees

Ironically, it's all about prophets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k874i/why_is_islam_so_unethical_towards_its_employees/
%
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls...

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k83vj/two_guys_are_walking_down_the_street_and_see_a/
%
Are you my homework?

Because I wanna slam you on my desk and do you all night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k81ay/are_you_my_homework/
%
Jack and Jill went up a hill

;
&nbsp;
to have a bit of fun.
&nbsp;
But stupid Jill forgot the pill;
&nbsp;
and now they have a son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8145/jack_and_jill_went_up_a_hill/
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Sleepy pilot

What did the tired pilot say to his crew?
I think I'm gonna crash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k80o4/sleepy_pilot/
%
i heard they were giving away batteries down the local discount store

turns out they were free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k80ce/i_heard_they_were_giving_away_batteries_down_the/
%
How many 'sah dudes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, it's already lit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k8047/how_many_sah_dudes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Uncle Ted

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.  The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand.  "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.  Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next.  "My dad owns a farm too.  Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.  Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny.  "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.  He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.  On the way down, he drank the case of beer.  Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.  He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!  So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.  Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked.  After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k7vus/uncle_ted/
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How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass?

Irresistible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k7uap/how_does_a_new_zealander_find_a_sheep_in_long/
%
Tom Jones fever

A man is in the waiting room at his Doctor's office and finally, the Doctor arrives.
"Hello Mike what seems to be the problem today?"
Mike replies "Doc, you've gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's new pussycat' by Tom Jones!"
The Doc says "oh yes, that's 'Tom Jones Syndrome'"
"Is it common?" Jim asks
"Well, it's not unusual"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k7onp/tom_jones_fever/
%
What was Adolf Hitler's campaign slogan?

*"Auschwitz the old, in with the Jews!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k7n9b/what_was_adolf_hitlers_campaign_slogan/
%
Well they were right. If you shave around it it looks bigger

Damn nose..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k7kke/well_they_were_right_if_you_shave_around_it_it/
%
Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A: A can't opener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k7jml/q_what_do_you_call_a_can_opener_that_doesnt_work/
%
What's the simplest way to prevent rape?

Consent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k7i9w/whats_the_simplest_way_to_prevent_rape/
%
What do Nicki Minaj and the Philadelphia police department have in common?

Reclaiming black bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k7i4r/what_do_nicki_minaj_and_the_philadelphia_police/
%
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house

that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:
"Jesus is watching you."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked.
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
"The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus," the parrot replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k7gmd/late_one_night_a_burglar_broke_into_a_house/
%
What do my tastes in food and pornography have in common?

I prefer the kind with fruits and vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k7fza/what_do_my_tastes_in_food_and_pornography_have_in/
%
If you don't have any feelings watching a kid cry,

most likely it's your kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k7fcm/if_you_dont_have_any_feelings_watching_a_kid_cry/
%
Facebook Problem

Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.
"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."
"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook Password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k7dn1/facebook_problem/
%
What do elves learn in school?

The elf-abet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k7aw5/what_do_elves_learn_in_school/
%
What do you call a fat alien?

An extra-cholesterol.
...I'm so sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k7a4r/what_do_you_call_a_fat_alien/
%
Have you heard the joke about the kid who was deaf?

neither has he

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k79zm/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_the_kid_who_was_deaf/
%
How do you kill a vegan?

A steak through their heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k79s7/how_do_you_kill_a_vegan/
%
What's the difference between America and a pot of yogurt?

If you leave a pot of yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k79ru/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_a_pot_of/
%
Three mice are sitting at a bar...

Arguing about which one is the most bad ass mouse.  The first one says. "You know those traps with the cheese? I can sneak the cheese out without setting them off." As he munches on a piece. The second mouse says. "Man you ain't shit! You know those poison pellets they set out to kill us? They don't do shit to me." Pulls one out and crushes it on the bar and snorts it all in one go. The third mouse shakes his head and says. "Y'all are both some little bitches, I'm Fucking the cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k78us/three_mice_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
%
What do you call a guy who gets drinks for a fat girl in a nightclub?

A bartender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k74kt/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_gets_drinks_for_a_fat/
%
A man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers.

succeeds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k73ts/a_man_enters_zoo_enclosure_to_feed_the_tigers/
%
What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

I can't marmalade my cock up your mum's arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k73cq/whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_marmalade/
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A homeless man is walking along a road

and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.
"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"
"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.
"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, as you can see, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"
"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.
"Fine, fine" the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."
Credit goes to u/MrTyko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k71up/a_homeless_man_is_walking_along_a_road/
%
I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness...

It came out of the green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k712x/i_was_recently_diagnosed_with_colorblindness/
%
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic?

About halfway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6z79/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
What's the first symptom of AIDS?

A pounding sensation in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6ydb/whats_the_first_symptom_of_aids/
%
Where do cats go when they die?

Purrgutory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6y65/where_do_cats_go_when_they_die/
%
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6xyl/what_do_a_nearsighted_gynecologist_and_a_puppy/
%
I tried to make a joke about cults...

But the punchline was too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6vkk/i_tried_to_make_a_joke_about_cults/
%
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.
She wrote to the first son: "Milton, the house you built is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
She wrote to the second son: "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never used the Mercedes and the driver is so rude."
She wrote to the third son: "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6tvm/three_sons_left_home_went_out_on_their_own_and/
%
Why did the blind lady fall into the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6shw/why_did_the_blind_lady_fall_into_the_well/
%
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6sha/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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A truamatizing joke for a single mother to tell their child(ren)

"You look like your father, whoever he is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6s36/a_truamatizing_joke_for_a_single_mother_to_tell/
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[NSFW] I was seeing a girl once, five actually...

Then the sorority started looking into the strange sounds in the attic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6rzy/nsfw_i_was_seeing_a_girl_once_five_actually/
%
I won a contest to go trick or treating with Arnold Schwarzenegger this year. Wad thinking of going as Beethoven.

He'll be Bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6r6j/i_won_a_contest_to_go_trick_or_treating_with/
%
A farmer walked into a attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce...

The farmer said; "Yea, I want to get me one of those Day-vorces."
The attorney said; "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said; "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said; "No sir, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said; "No I don't have a case, but I have a John Deere....."
The attorney said; "No, you don't understand, do you have any grudges?"
The farmer said; "Yea I have a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said; "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said; "Yea, I have a suit wear it to Church on Sundays."
The attorney said; "Well sir, does you wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said; "No sir, we both get up at 04:30." The attorney then said; "Well is she a nagger?"
"No," said the farmer; "She's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want this here Day-Vorce!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6fsu/a_farmer_walked_into_a_attorneys_office_wanting/
%
I cant comprehend constipation

That shit is too deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6e0s/i_cant_comprehend_constipation/
%
Bill Clinton finds a lantern washed up on the beach...

One day Bill Clinton was walking along the beach and found a magic lamp that had washed up, partially buried in the sand. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “One wish.” Bill thought for a minute and said, “I want to be the guy who brings peace in the Middle East.” The genie, having been in the lamp for eons, didn't know anything about this and asked Bill to explain. Bill pulled out a map of the Middle East and went through the history and details of the situation. The genie said, ” that's too tall of an order. I’m good but not that good! Do you have another wish?” Bill replied," Well, Hillary wants to be president and I would sure like to be back in the White House, so how about making Hillary the most respected, charismatic and beautiful woman on earth? That would for sure get her elected." The Genie thought for minute and said, “let me see that map again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6dba/bill_clinton_finds_a_lantern_washed_up_on_the/
%
Why do New Zealand farmers now wear kilts?

Because the sheep have gotten used to the sound of zippers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6cwo/why_do_new_zealand_farmers_now_wear_kilts/
%
What's it's called when you ejaculate into a circle

Circumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k6c97/whats_its_called_when_you_ejaculate_into_a_circle/
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My science test was like Jesus and the Cross...

I fucking nailed it.
Ok, I'll go now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k68bp/my_science_test_was_like_jesus_and_the_cross/
%
2 pedophiles are sitting on a park bench when an 11 year old boy walks by...

One pedo leans over to the other and says "boy he must've looked good back in the day"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k62ps/2_pedophiles_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench_when_an/
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What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs Hawking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k61l5/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_pleasures_herself/
%
Have you heard about the psychic dwarf that escaped from prison last week?

You should see the headlines: "Small Medium at Large"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5z9i/have_you_heard_about_the_psychic_dwarf_that/
%
What do you call a fish with 27 eyes?

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5xru/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_27_eyes/
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IT Jokes

3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar.  A little while later, they walked out... Because they couldn't find a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5x8b/it_jokes/
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What would Confucius say about errors made in elevators?

He who makes a mistake in an elevator is wrong on many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5wx3/what_would_confucius_say_about_errors_made_in/
%
What did they name the Chinese remake of "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs"?

It's Raining Cats and Dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5wow/what_did_they_name_the_chinese_remake_of_cloudy/
%
Want to know why I like space heaters?

"They make great housewarming gifts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5wfv/want_to_know_why_i_like_space_heaters/
%
A big Texan was in a NY bar and got a phone call...

A big Texan was in a NY bar and got a phone call. After he hung-up, he excitedly yelled, "Hey y'all! The drinks are on me! My wife just had a baby boy!" Everybody ordered drinks, making toasts, congratulating the proud new father. The bartender bought the Texan daddy a drink  "...so, a baby boy, that's great!"  The Texan beamed, "Yep! Weighed in at 18 lbs!"  The bartender was shocked, "Did you say 18 lbs? Wow! Never heard of a baby weighing that much! He must be enormous!"  The Texan replied, "Nah, that's pretty normal down in Texas. Ya know everything's bigger in Texas..."
A week later the Texan strolled into the bar again. The bartender recognized him, "...Hey, you're the Texas guy with a new baby boy! How's he doing?" The Texan replied, "Doin' just fine! Growin' like a weed!" The bartender asked, "Well, how much does he weigh now?"
The Texan replied, "14 lbs!" The bartender was taken aback and asked, "Huh? I thought you said he weighed 18 lbs... But now he weighs 14 lbs? How come?"
The Texan replied, "Had him circumcised!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5vy1/a_big_texan_was_in_a_ny_bar_and_got_a_phone_call/
%
What do you call a well hung black man?

Dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5vqw/what_do_you_call_a_well_hung_black_man/
%
I saw a sign that said check your speed.

Lucky I did, it had almost fallen out of my pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5smj/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_check_your_speed/
%
Whats the difference between a Pope and acne?

Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he is around 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5rai/whats_the_difference_between_a_pope_and_acne/
%
Two guys encounter a dog licking his...

Two guys were walking down the street when they came across a dog busily licking his balls. One guy said, "Gee, I wish I could do that!" The other guy replied, "I don't know... That dog's balls look pretty nasty to me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5qxg/two_guys_encounter_a_dog_licking_his/
%
A man and a woman on a train...

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room
on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend
we're married.'
‘Wow!  That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied.  'Get your own damn blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End……..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5og6/a_man_and_a_woman_on_a_train/
%
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for Chirstmas

and I got a Rolex. I guess they miss-understood when I said "I wanna watch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5oas/my_lesbian_neighbors_asked_me_what_i_wanted_for/
%
What floats on water and goes quick?

A South African duck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5ncq/what_floats_on_water_and_goes_quick/
%
A woman cries to her husband "honey, the fridge isn't running"

Husband replies "Good. I'm not in the mood for fast food"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5msz/a_woman_cries_to_her_husband_honey_the_fridge/
%
Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today?

Husband:Yes.
Wife:Is she smart?
Husband:Yes.
Wife:Is she pretty?
Husband:Yes.
Wife:How did she dress today?
Husband:Very quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5mpf/wife_i_heard_you_have_a_new_secretary_today/
%
My daughter asked me what "fap fap fap" means...

I think I should stop commenting on her Facebook pictures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5l2e/my_daughter_asked_me_what_fap_fap_fap_means/
%
So, tonight at the library I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles

"Hardback?" she inquired. "Yes" I said. "and little heads."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5jis/so_tonight_at_the_library_i_asked_the_librarian/
%
For the next president we should just elect the CEO of a dildo company

at least they're honest about how they fuck people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5gdq/for_the_next_president_we_should_just_elect_the/
%
The fourth Harry Potter book marked a huge tone shift for the rest of the series.

I mean, the fifth book was dead serious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5dn8/the_fourth_harry_potter_book_marked_a_huge_tone/
%
I named my dick "The Truth"

Because bitches can't handle it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5d93/i_named_my_dick_the_truth/
%
My wife and I were happy for twenty years...

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5d6o/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_twenty_years/
%
Why did the two radio broadcasters get along so well?

They were on the same wavelength.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5cff/why_did_the_two_radio_broadcasters_get_along_so/
%
Talking Dog for Sale

A man was driving down a road and came across a sign in front of a house reading "Talking Dog for Sale."  Out of curiosity he stops at the house and knocks on the door.  An old man answers.  The man asks, "I saw your sign saying that you have talking dog for sale."  The old man replies, "I do.  You want to meet him?  He's in the back yard."  The man says "Sure I'd like to meet him."  The man goes into the back yard and sees a dog sitting there.  He walks up the dog and asks "What's up dog?"  The dog looks up at him and says "Nothing, whats up with you?"  The man astonishingly says "Holly shit you can talk!  So what's your story dog?"  The dog replies "Well when I was a pup my owner discovered that I could talk.  The CIA somehow found out and I was recruited, trained in multiple languages, and started going on missions.  Sometimes they would place me in a room during multinational negotiations and when the Americans left I would stay behind, spy, and report my findings.  Some of shit they said would amaze you.  They would talked about everything from the negotiations, to drugs, and even who they were fucking.  The CIA would also drop me in war zones pretending to be a stray.  I would track down the enemy and listen to what targets they plan on attacking.  Again I would report my findings.  I thwarted many attacks and terror plots.  I can't believe how close most of them were to completing the attacks here on our soil.  After years of service I decided to retire and ended up with my original owner here.  A crazy life I've had and I have stories of my experiences to tell for years."  The man exciting says "Wait there!  I'm going to talk to your owner."  He goes up to the old man and says "Man that dog is awesome!  How much do you want for him?"  The old man says "Twenty five dollars and he's yours."  The man puzzled asks "Why such a low price?"  The old man replies "Cause that dog is a fucking liar.  He's never even left the backyard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5caj/talking_dog_for_sale/
%
You know what really grinds my gears?

Poor shifting technique.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k5c9a/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
%
What is God's favorite guitar chord?

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k57kq/what_is_gods_favorite_guitar_chord/
%
What do you call a lizard on drugs?

A mariguana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k563h/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_on_drugs/
%
What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k54bk/what_do_a_necrophiliac_and_an_alcoholic_have_in/
%
How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in the wallet than on dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k543y/how_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
%
Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess.

But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k51q8/sure_aphrodite_poses_naked_in_a_giant_clam_shell/
%
a lie detecting robot....

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "son, where were you today?" the son says "at school dad". Robot slaps the son. "Okay, i watched a dvd at my friends house". "what dvd"? "Toy story". Robot slaps the son again!. "Okay, it was a porno" cries the son. Dad yells "What! when i was your age, i didn't know what porn was". Robot then slaps the dad. Mom laughs "Hahaha, he's certainly your son". Robot then slaps the mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k4zuq/a_lie_detecting_robot/
%
What do you get when you visit the dentist with a dollar?

Buck-teeth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k4yfx/what_do_you_get_when_you_visit_the_dentist_with_a/
%
A farmer decided to sell all of his chickens to the highest bidder...

It was poultry in auction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k4o44/a_farmer_decided_to_sell_all_of_his_chickens_to/
%
Why was the dolphin depressed?

It had no porpoise in life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k4mx7/why_was_the_dolphin_depressed/
%
Why don't they play poker in Africa?

Too many cheetahs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k4mc3/why_dont_they_play_poker_in_africa/
%
My doctor prescribed me Adderall to help my concentration and frustration. The only problem is that...

now I'm super concentrated on my frustrations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k4l5u/my_doctor_prescribed_me_adderall_to_help_my/
%
I tried water polo but...

My horse drowned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k4kfi/i_tried_water_polo_but/
%
Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts association,

Nice to see a lot of new faces here today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k4jl2/welcome_to_the_plastic_surgery_addicts_association/
%
I want to die in my sleep peacefully like my uncle did.

Not screaming hysterically like the passengers in the plane he was flying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k4htl/i_want_to_die_in_my_sleep_peacefully_like_my/
%
Old biker walks into a bar...

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker  walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k4e8i/old_biker_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A father and son pass by a cemetery...

The father asks the son, "How many people do you think are dead in that cemetery?" The son responds "I'm not sure, about 300 or so?" The father says "No, all of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k4cby/a_father_and_son_pass_by_a_cemetery/
%
What do Sea Monsters eat?

Fish and SHIPS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k4c1h/what_do_sea_monsters_eat/
%
Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority..

Because they hate Dick's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k4b1r/why_do_lesbians_shop_at_sports_authority/
%
My sister's zodiac sign was cancer, which is really ironic to how she died

She got squashed by a giant fucking crab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k48w5/my_sisters_zodiac_sign_was_cancer_which_is_really/
%
What do you call a black woman who has an abortion?

A crime fighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k456r/what_do_you_call_a_black_woman_who_has_an_abortion/
%
My grandpa told me my generation relied too much on technology

I told him "no, your generation relies too much on technology"
Then I unplugged his life support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k42ye/my_grandpa_told_me_my_generation_relied_too_much/
%
Girl, you must be Saint Peter...

Cuz you've denied me three times already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k42ge/girl_you_must_be_saint_peter/
%
My girlfriend of 2 years just told me her ex used to beat her really badly, and she never told me b/c it's really painful for her to talk about. I feel bad I didn't figure it out sooner.

I always thought she just really hated high fives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k423y/my_girlfriend_of_2_years_just_told_me_her_ex_used/
%
At a Detroit Kindergarten

Teacher: what does the dog say?
Students: woof woof.
T: what does the horse say?
S: neigh neigh
T: what does the pig say?
S: hands on the head, on the floor, motherfucker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3x45/at_a_detroit_kindergarten/
%
Doctor, How can I live longer than 100 years?

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke?
No.
Do you eat too much?
No.
Do you go to bed late?
No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3wcm/doctor_how_can_i_live_longer_than_100_years/
%
Geometry professor goes into a tattoo shop and asks to get π on his back.

After a few hours he asks the tattoo artist, "Why is it taking so long to do the symbol for pi?"  "Oh!" said the artist, surprised. "You wanted the *symbol*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3szo/geometry_professor_goes_into_a_tattoo_shop_and/
%
A man is granted one wish, but with a catch

A man unlocks a genie, and the genie tells him that he will grant him one wish, but whatever he wishes for, all lawyers in the world will be granted double.
The man thinks long and hard about his one wish, and calmly states "I wish to donate a kidney"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3s9j/a_man_is_granted_one_wish_but_with_a_catch/
%
What was the ancient language Link needed a book to translate in "A Link to the Past"?

Hyruleglyphics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3qwo/what_was_the_ancient_language_link_needed_a_book/
%
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3pow/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
%
What do mutiny and an orgasm have in common?

A sudden surge of seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3ov9/what_do_mutiny_and_an_orgasm_have_in_common/
%
When to leave your girlfriend?

When your wife's clothes start to fit her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3n4u/when_to_leave_your_girlfriend/
%
My favourite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3iye/my_favourite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
%
How did Jared lose 40lbs?

He dumped his girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3i87/how_did_jared_lose_40lbs/
%
What are the two best arguments against democracy?

Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3fx6/what_are_the_two_best_arguments_against_democracy/
%
I think it's time I throw away my fleshlight

My masturbation is getting a little out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3f6r/i_think_its_time_i_throw_away_my_fleshlight/
%
Why were the Beakers all packed and moved out of the university lab?

They were graduated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3f00/why_were_the_beakers_all_packed_and_moved_out_of/
%
Little Johnny's Game

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3dfl/little_johnnys_game/
%
Why did God create the orgasm?

So women can moan even when they are happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3be6/why_did_god_create_the_orgasm/
%
How do your organize a space party?

You planet! (It won't turn out well though because it has no atmosphere.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3bd5/how_do_your_organize_a_space_party/
%
LPT: Make sure you properly understand job ads.

* Entry level position = We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
* Experience required = We do not know the first thing about any of this.
* Compensation commensurate with experience = You're still not experienced enough so take this low pay.
* Generous benefits = We will give you extra two vacation days after 10 years of employment.
* Fast learner = You will get no training from us.
* Energetic self-starter = You’ll be working on commission.
* Flexible work hours = You will frequently work overtime hours.
* Good organizational skills = You will be handling the filing.
* Make an investment in your future = This is a franchise or pyramid scheme.
* Management training position = You will be a salesperson with a wide territory.
* Much client contact = You will answer your cell phone at any time and make cold calls on clients.
* Opportunity of a lifetime = You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
* Planning and coordination = You will book the boss's travel arrangements.
* Quick problem solver = You will work on projects already months' behind schedule.
* Strong communication skills = You will write a crapload of endless e-mails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3a2u/lpt_make_sure_you_properly_understand_job_ads/
%
What do you call a fear of Alkaline?

A pH-obia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k38gd/what_do_you_call_a_fear_of_alkaline/
%
Would headphones get tangled in space?

no, they would knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k37kq/would_headphones_get_tangled_in_space/
%
Greenpeace have come up with a new name for shrimp hunting, claiming it's the same as mass murder.

They're calling it columbrine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k3736/greenpeace_have_come_up_with_a_new_name_for/
%
I love my biology teacher....

**He gives great life lessons**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k35z2/i_love_my_biology_teacher/
%
Doctor, I have a problem...

...Every morning, at 7 a.m. sharp, I poop.
*Okay, what seems to be the problem?*
I wake up at 8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k34ya/doctor_i_have_a_problem/
%
What is the scariest thing to read in braile?

"Do not touch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k34p0/what_is_the_scariest_thing_to_read_in_braile/
%
What do you call a magical dog?

Labracadabrador!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k311h/what_do_you_call_a_magical_dog/
%
How to make your wife take care while driving?

Tell her that if she meets with a serious accident, the newspaper will have to print her age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k310m/how_to_make_your_wife_take_care_while_driving/
%
A couple in their 80s

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"
Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2zq0/a_couple_in_their_80s/
%
Damn girl are you a cornfield?

Because I'm stalking you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2z5p/damn_girl_are_you_a_cornfield/
%
[Computers] Why do Linux admins always take Xanax?

Because they're constantly battling their daemons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2xul/computers_why_do_linux_admins_always_take_xanax/
%
I started a figurine company that specializes in miniature Muhammad statues

We make a small prophet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2vep/i_started_a_figurine_company_that_specializes_in/
%
The blonde woman goes to see the gynecologist...

She says to the gynecologist "I've got stamps from Honduras coming out of my vagina.
The gynecologist, confused, takes a look. After he removes the remaining stamps he says "Madam, those aren't stamps from Honduras. Those are banana stickers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2t40/the_blonde_woman_goes_to_see_the_gynecologist/
%
When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2r31/when_i_found_out_my_wife_was_having_an_affair_i/
%
A blonde walks into a library

She goes up to the librarian at the counter and says,
"Hello, can I get one cheese burger with a side of fries?"
The librarian, with a confused look, responds, "Sorry but this is a library."
The blonde pauses for a few seconds. She then whispers,
*"Can I get one cheese burger with a side of fries please?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2r22/a_blonde_walks_into_a_library/
%
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None! They can't screw anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2ot7/how_many_friend_zoned_guys_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
Whats the similarity between the xbox 360 and Michael Jackson

* Both have been black
* Both are made from plastic
* And children turn them on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2no7/whats_the_similarity_between_the_xbox_360_and/
%
Whats the worst part about a black out in Detroit?

All the pairs of floating eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2mry/whats_the_worst_part_about_a_black_out_in_detroit/
%
Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?

A: Her wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2mnv/q_what_food_diminishes_a_womans_sex_drive_by_90/
%
It's all fun and games until someone cuts their eye

Then it's humourous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2mcc/its_all_fun_and_games_until_someone_cuts_their_eye/
%
A kid asks his father 'Daddy, where is Pakistan located?'

'Daddy, where is Pakistan located? It's for my georgraphy homework.'
The father stood and thought to himself for a while. He realised he did not know the answer, but he didnt want to disappoint his son, so he said
'I'll be honest son, I don't know. However, it can't be that far away because there is a bloke at my workplace who comes from Pakistan, and he cycles to work everyday'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2kny/a_kid_asks_his_father_daddy_where_is_pakistan/
%
What do we want?

A CURE FOR TOURETTES!
When do we want it?
CUNT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2k5c/what_do_we_want/
%
You call it an unfinished window,

I call it a draft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2j94/you_call_it_an_unfinished_window/
%
What's your stand on renewable energy?

I don't know about you, but I'm a Big Fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2ick/whats_your_stand_on_renewable_energy/
%
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months...

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, eyes welling with tears.
"I think you're bad luck..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2fo3/this_womans_husband_had_been_slipping_in_and_out/
%
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ?

One is a super hero and the other is a simple command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2f0n/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
WHEN WIFE SINGING

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2dx9/when_wife_singing/
%
New York,

“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
“Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k2d52/new_york/
%
Knock knock

.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k28oi/knock_knock/
%
So a family of moles wakes up one morning to the smell of pancakes...

The father mole heads up to check things out. From the entrance to their den, the smell is a lot stronger, but being naturally skittish, he stays in the doorway. "This smells great!" he said. "It smells like pancakes and warm syrup!"
Her curiosity piqued, the mother mole joins the father in the door. "How lovely! It smells like waffles and hot jam! "
The baby is trying to grab a spot at the door as well, but his parents are blocking the whole entry. After a couple minutes of futility, the baby mole sits down and says "Well, all I smell is  Molasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k27uo/so_a_family_of_moles_wakes_up_one_morning_to_the/
%
A bear walks into a bar

and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k23kz/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm...

She said "I don't like ringing you whilst you're at work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k23cg/i_asked_my_wife_why_she_never_tells_me_when_she/
%
What's worse than a baby stapled to a tree?

A baby stapled to ten trees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k21sc/whats_worse_than_a_baby_stapled_to_a_tree/
%
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k21as/many_years_ago_during_my_married_days_i/
%
A husband and a wife sit at the table,

having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k20zj/a_husband_and_a_wife_sit_at_the_table/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k20ux/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
A mime is performing an act in Paris

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spanish man, and German man are watching the mime perform. The mime notices that they cannot see him very well. He places a box down and signals to the audience if they can see him.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k20hw/a_mime_is_performing_an_act_in_paris/
%
I nicknamed my girlfriend Christmas

She only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1znl/i_nicknamed_my_girlfriend_christmas/
%
I went to a drag race yesterday

It's amazing how fast men can run in heels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1zio/i_went_to_a_drag_race_yesterday/
%
What subject did Dracula major in during college?

AcCOUNTing
This joke must be on a popsicle stick somewhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1xzz/what_subject_did_dracula_major_in_during_college/
%
3 Astronauts

Three astronauts are going to space, one German, one Japanese, and one Chinese. They are each allowed to bring 60 kg of one thing.
The German astronaut loves beer, so he brings 60 kg of his favorite beer.
The Japanese astronaut loves women, so he brings a beautiful women who weighs 60 kg.
The Chinese astronaut loves cigarettes, so he brings 60 kg of cigarettes.
One year later, the astronauts return from space and are being interviewed. The reporter asks them, "How did you like it in space?" The German replies, "Look at my belly! I drank so much beer, it was great!"
The Japanese man says, "Look, I have had a son while in space with this beautiful woman!"
The Chinese man says, "it was horrible. I forgot to bring a lighter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1x76/3_astronauts/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1x2j/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
BIG FIGHT

My wife and I had a huge fight and she told me to get the hell out.
To  spite her I went upstairs and packed my suitcases. Coming down the staircase, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs.
'I hope you die a slow and painful death, you bastard,' she hissed.
I reply,' So, now you're asking me to stay?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1vgj/big_fight/
%
I named my first dog "What".

Only now did I just realize why the guy on tech support was getting so angry when he repeatedly asked "What is the name of your first pet?" and I kept answering "Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1uge/i_named_my_first_dog_what/
%
What do you call a Mexican guy shouting at someone?

An argumentative esé

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1tb0/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_guy_shouting_at_someone/
%
Bridge blown up

During a drill a bridge is labeled with a sign as blown up. To his anger the drill instructor sees a whole platoon crossing the bridge. The last soldier has a sign on his back. The instructor pulls out his binoculars. The sign reads: We're swimming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1su0/bridge_blown_up/
%
What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't Helium, Barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1rdb/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
%
If FiveGuys had been founded by black people

It should have been called ThreeGuys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1q6l/if_fiveguys_had_been_founded_by_black_people/
%
A guy walks into a flower shop

He buys beautiful, red flowers. As he's paying for them, the cashier winks at him and says "I hope these get you laid tonight".
The guy says "I hope not ... they're for my mom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1pxm/a_guy_walks_into_a_flower_shop/
%
What do you call a chicken staring intently at a piece of lettuce?

A chicken ceaser salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1m08/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_staring_intently_at_a/
%
Most likely joke ever!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1j57/most_likely_joke_ever/
%
" What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1hrf/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and/
%
What do you call it when you give a girl an amazing orgasm?

Clitical damage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1fam/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_give_a_girl_an/
%
What did the Swedish chef say to his girlfriend when he found out she was pregnant?

Abort - Bort - Bort!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1em6/what_did_the_swedish_chef_say_to_his_girlfriend/
%
What's the scariest thing about a white man in prison?

You know he did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1eaw/whats_the_scariest_thing_about_a_white_man_in/
%
What do you call a Filipino yoga instructor?

A Manila Folder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1e9m/what_do_you_call_a_filipino_yoga_instructor/
%
Went to the party dressed as a chicken last night.

Went to a party dressed as a chicken last night, and got with a girl who was dressed as an egg - a life long question was answered. It was the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1b3q/went_to_the_party_dressed_as_a_chicken_last_night/
%
If a blind girl ever tells you that you have a big cock

She's probably just pulling your leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k1al9/if_a_blind_girl_ever_tells_you_that_you_have_a/
%
3 Men Awaiting Execution

The first man sits in the electric chair: I believe in God, and I know that I will not be harmed since this is a wrongful sentencing -- nothing happens and the man lives on.
Next in line for execution is a lawyer. He is shortly sat down and attached to the chair. "I believe in Justice and law..." despite his failed negotiations he was released.
Last in line was an engineer who promptly saw the two misconducted trials. He blurted out "you have to connect the two leads over there to complete the circu..." and swiftly thereafter he was executed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k19dd/3_men_awaiting_execution/
%
What do French labor reforms and French citizens have in common?

They'll never work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k17u6/what_do_french_labor_reforms_and_french_citizens/
%
My city is holding their annual incest competition...

I've entered my sister...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k0ws9/my_city_is_holding_their_annual_incest_competition/
%
An old biker....

was riding down the highway and got into a wreck. His ol' lady was on the back and got thrown. He asked her if she was alright, and she says "I have an 8 inch gash"...He says "I know that but, are you hurt"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k0u8c/an_old_biker/
%
There was once a blonde woman.

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k0rsl/there_was_once_a_blonde_woman/
%
What do we want?

Time travel!
When do we want it?
Irrelevant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k0oyy/what_do_we_want/
%
Its not surprising that Republicans lost two presidental races to Obama

In long   races usually the guy from Kenya wins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k0oin/its_not_surprising_that_republicans_lost_two/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k0na1/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k0mn5/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar...

He sits down and orders a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k0m27/a_priest_a_paedophile_and_a_rapist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a hooker fart?

A prostitoooooot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k0dhc/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_fart/
%
What gets wetter the more you dry it?

A woman with a towel fetish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k0b8p/what_gets_wetter_the_more_you_dry_it/
%
Just announced, they are making a movie based on Tetris...

Apparently it was due to start filming this year but writing the script was taking longer than expected as every time they finished a line it would disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k048i/just_announced_they_are_making_a_movie_based_on/
%
The Soviet Cycle of Procrastination

First, you are Putin down your work. Then, you are Stalin for time. Finally, you are Russian to finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k03xz/the_soviet_cycle_of_procrastination/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k035n/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
It remains a puzzle...

...why a bra is singular and panties are plural.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k00a0/it_remains_a_puzzle/
%
Why is it impossible to mistake a penis for a vagina?

Because there's a vas deference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jzy8x/why_is_it_impossible_to_mistake_a_penis_for_a/
%
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jzvgb/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
I told my parents to vote for Trump...

So I wouldn't have to take Spanish in high school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jztev/i_told_my_parents_to_vote_for_trump/
%
A girl asked her brother If he could help her move her stuff to her new house and he refused and she asked him why

He said he couldn't be her brother and assister too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jzta4/a_girl_asked_her_brother_if_he_could_help_her/
%
What's the most fucked up thing you can do to a blind person?

Leave the plunger in the toilet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jzru9/whats_the_most_fucked_up_thing_you_can_do_to_a/
%
Three wishes

A tourist walks on a secluded beach and sees a disheveled woman in torn clothes and absolutely hysterical.
He calms her down so she is coherent and asks what happened.
She tells him that she found a sealed bottle, and when she removed the seal, a genie came out and said "You freed me after a thousand years, now I will fulfill three wishes"
"Wow, lady what the hell did you wish for?"  asks the tourist.
- Oh, he didn't care at all about MY wishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jzqjf/three_wishes/
%
What's a pedophile's favorite music scale?

A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jzqhv/whats_a_pedophiles_favorite_music_scale/
%
What begins with an "s", ends with a "x" and leaves a guy blown away?

Semtex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jzp0b/what_begins_with_an_s_ends_with_a_x_and_leaves_a/
%
When an Amish sees an elevator for the first time...

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jzl1b/when_an_amish_sees_an_elevator_for_the_first_time/
%
In The Woods.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking through the woods one night when they happened upon some tracks.
"I think they're moose tracks!", said the blonde.
"No, they're deer tracks!", said the brunette.
"Nuh uh, these are elk tracks!", chirped the redhead.
...they were still arguing about it when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jzkcx/in_the_woods/
%
A boy asks his dad the difference between theory and reality..

Dad: "Go ask your sister and your mom if they'd sleep with the neighbor for a million bucks".
The boy returns awhile later...
Dad: "Well, what'd they say?"
Son: "They said that they would, but I still don't understand the difference between theory and reality".
Dad: "Son, in theory we could be millionaires but in reality we live with a couple of whores".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jzj74/a_boy_asks_his_dad_the_difference_between_theory/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jzhgm/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
My grandpa has a heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jzfh8/my_grandpa_has_a_heart_of_a_lion/
%
What do you call someone who can masturbate with either hand?

Ambidickstrous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jze5f/what_do_you_call_someone_who_can_masturbate_with/
%
Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

Because he uses the finest ingredients, *asshole*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jzbz4/why_does_michael_j_fox_make_the_best_milkshakes/
%
3 Mothers attend a psychiatrist

As the 3 mothers sit with their children the psychiatrist begins to make his observations.
To the first woman he says, "You have an obsession with money, that is why you named your daughter Penny."
To the second woman he says, "You have an obsession with alcohol, that is why you named your daughter Brandy."
While this is going on the third mother begins to hurry her son out of the door, "Come on Willy we'd better get going."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jza9w/3_mothers_attend_a_psychiatrist/
%
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jza0o/my_girlfriend_thinks_im_a_stalker/
%
What do you call a haunted accordion

Polka haunt us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jz9wo/what_do_you_call_a_haunted_accordion/
%
The legionnaires

Two French legionnaires are walking through the desert, lost, when they happen across an oasis. One turns to the other and say "look! Zat tree 'as bacon on eet!" In excitement they run towards the tree but as they approach bullets start striking the ground around them. As they are running off the second turns to the first and says "zat was no bacon tree, zat was an 'am bush"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jz92f/the_legionnaires/
%
Two men are crawling through the desert, almost dying of thirst

When they crest a dune and see in front of them some market stalls. They crawl to the first stall and ask for some water but the vendor says "I'm afraid we only sell cake sponge, jelly and custard".
So, the men crawl to the next stand and ask for water. The stall owner replies "sorry, but I only have custard, sponge and jelly"
They crawl to the final stand and ask, in desperation, for water. The store holder tells the men "I'm only sell jelly, sponge and custard"
Without water, the two men crawl off into the desert once more, in search of water. As they are crawling from the market one man turns to the other and says "is it just me or was that a bit weird" to which the other man replies "yes, it was a trifle bazaar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jz62f/two_men_are_crawling_through_the_desert_almost/
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What do you do when a feminist, anti-feminist and meninist cross paths?

Triggernometry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jz41u/what_do_you_do_when_a_feminist_antifeminist_and/
%
Why do neckbeards regularly expose themselves to illness?

Because it will attract Ma'ladies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jz3kq/why_do_neckbeards_regularly_expose_themselves_to/
%
When I killed a...

When I killed a honeybee dad told me no honey for a week.
When I killed a butterfly he said no butter for a week.
Well mom just killed a cockroach,
should I tell her for you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jz2qb/when_i_killed_a/
%
Watched a documentary about retina surgery the other day..

It was eye-opening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jz2ow/watched_a_documentary_about_retina_surgery_the/
%
What do you get when you cross a feminist with a non-feminist?

Triggernometry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jz20s/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_feminist_with_a/
%
Gabe Newell and Bill Gates should get together.

Not only would there be some epic games, they could comfort each other's inability to count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyynp/gabe_newell_and_bill_gates_should_get_together/
%
How to use a condom

First Time with a Condom!
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb, She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.
"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and hwoogluh, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyy3b/how_to_use_a_condom/
%
Life is like a penis.

Simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's the woman that make it hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyug6/life_is_like_a_penis/
%
Two months ago my teacher asked me the name of the clothes indian women wear.

Is it too late now to say "sari"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyqlp/two_months_ago_my_teacher_asked_me_the_name_of/
%
How can you tell if a farmer is a good farmer?

He's out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyqg2/how_can_you_tell_if_a_farmer_is_a_good_farmer/
%
How many Dragonball characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes him 20 episodes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyp92/how_many_dragonball_characters_does_it_take_to/
%
If you make $200 an hour you can't complain that your employer is fucking you

Because $200 an hour is a very reasonable rate for getting fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyoqz/if_you_make_200_an_hour_you_cant_complain_that/
%
What do you get when you mix a fly, a snake head, and Mickey Mouse?

The hell out of there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyolf/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_fly_a_snake_head/
%
There's a sale at the Maul

Everything's half off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyoh5/theres_a_sale_at_the_maul/
%
My wife says I think of her as a sex object...

I can't disagree though because everytime I ask for sex... She objects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jylpl/my_wife_says_i_think_of_her_as_a_sex_object/
%
What do you call a group of paralyzed hippies?

Organic Vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jykrr/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_paralyzed_hippies/
%
Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyi6q/why_cant_ray_charles_see_his_friends/
%
What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises.
When do we want them?
#NNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWW^WWwww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyi2j/what_do_we_want/
%
My penis is in the Guinness Book of World Records...

...I wonder how long I can keep it here until I got kicked out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyhcz/my_penis_is_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
%
What do you call a person with normal abs in a universe full of fat people

Abnormal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyg5m/what_do_you_call_a_person_with_normal_abs_in_a/
%
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A Fsh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyfea/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
%
I'm not racist but..

I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought "that's mine"
Then I realized mine is at home, polishing my shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyfbi/im_not_racist_but/
%
AMD should make a self-driving car...

...because they specialize in creating things that don't come with drivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jyf4j/amd_should_make_a_selfdriving_car/
%
How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Untie the rope...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jydec/how_do_you_get_an_emo_out_of_a_tree/
%
I used to be a phone sex worker...

until I got hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jy9qq/i_used_to_be_a_phone_sex_worker/
%
I just had sex with a pregnant girl

and told my buddies I had a threesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jy7o7/i_just_had_sex_with_a_pregnant_girl/
%
How do you pick up a Jewish girl?

With a dustpan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jy7nt/how_do_you_pick_up_a_jewish_girl/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

Oscillate its tits a lot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxzv3/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?

He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxwyk/who_says_jesus_couldnt_perform_miracles/
%
I remember when I was a virgin I thought I'd remember every single time I got laid

Since I've been married though I can't remember the last time I've had sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxsn5/i_remember_when_i_was_a_virgin_i_thought_id/
%
A man in front of me dropped $20

I picked it up and asked myself, what would Jesus do? So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxrfq/a_man_in_front_of_me_dropped_20/
%
So I posted this on r/ShowerThoughts

"I wonder where I put the soap?"
(Mods deleted it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxqz6/so_i_posted_this_on_rshowerthoughts/
%
What's Afghanistan's National Bird?

An American drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxqax/whats_afghanistans_national_bird/
%
“I came home the other day and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

I couldn’t believe it. I said to my roommate, ‘Look at this stuff, it’s all an exact replica.’ He said, ‘Do I know you?’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxpvu/i_came_home_the_other_day_and_everything_in_my/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter it wont come anyways

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxp9i/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
I got asked how I view lesbian relationships..

Apparently HD wasn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxp6d/i_got_asked_how_i_view_lesbian_relationships/
%
What do you call a tissue that is sleeping?

A napkin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxngk/what_do_you_call_a_tissue_that_is_sleeping/
%
A little boy wrote a letter to Santa stating he wanted a little sister

The next day he got a letter from santa saying: Ok send me your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxlyp/a_little_boy_wrote_a_letter_to_santa_stating_he/
%
My Disneyland Bus Driver told us this one

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were getting a divorce. When Mickey's lawyer was called up, he said "your Honor, Mickey is getting a divorce because he said Minnie is crazy." Mickey interrupts and says "Im not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxicw/my_disneyland_bus_driver_told_us_this_one/
%
A man walks into a bar for the first time

He sees an old blind pianist in the corner with a small monkey on his shoulder.
He thinks to himself "This place seems nice" , and he orders a pint of beer.
He's looking round admiring the decor when suddenly the blind pianists monkey runs over, and dips his balls in the pint of beer and then runs off.
Disgusted , he asks the barman to get rid of the glass and bring him another one.
Again he gets distracted for a minute. He looks down and the monkey is dipping his balls in the pint of beer.
He shoos away the monkey and says "Right. Time to sort this out"
He storms over to the blinds pianist and says "Do you know your monkey has been dipping his balls in my pint of beer "
The pianist says "No. But if you hum it I'll play along"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxhts/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_for_the_first_time/
%
I want to start a kosher hotdog company

And call it Anne Franks...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxgr5/i_want_to_start_a_kosher_hotdog_company/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jxffy/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
Why do black men cry after sex?

From the pepper spray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jx9r7/why_do_black_men_cry_after_sex/
%
There was a black-out in my city last night.

The police said stay in doors until they shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jx82s/there_was_a_blackout_in_my_city_last_night/
%
A man goes to the zoo

The only animal at the zoo is a dog.
It's a Shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jx6r7/a_man_goes_to_the_zoo/
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How to do Business

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No!
Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.
Son: Ok then.
Dad goes to Bill Gates.
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No!
Dad: My son is the CEO of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ok then.
Dad goes to the president of the World Bank
Dad: Make my son the CEO of your bank.
President: No!
Dad: He is the son in law of Bill Gates.
President: Ok then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jx1gn/how_to_do_business/
%
Just got bit by a black widow...

People are fucking crazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jx1co/just_got_bit_by_a_black_widow/
%
What kind of bird does not make babies?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jwym7/what_kind_of_bird_does_not_make_babies/
%
Why don't blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jwmjj/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
%
Whats red and smells like blue paint?

Red Paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jwkx8/whats_red_and_smells_like_blue_paint/
%
A man asks a farmer near a field,

“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jwjcx/a_man_asks_a_farmer_near_a_field/
%
Knock, Knock.

Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jwj71/knock_knock/
%
What is David Bowie's favourite energy drink?

Redbull Redbull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jwizl/what_is_david_bowies_favourite_energy_drink/
%
two ladies were sitting in a bar...

the one on the left was lovely, kind and beautiful
the one on the right was very attractive, smart, and attentive
both of the women were hitting on me all nite  which one did i take home?
the one on the right because lefty loosy righy tighty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jwhd3/two_ladies_were_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
A man walks into a bar

and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him.
So the man walks outside the bar with the lamp, rubs it and sure enough a genie comes out. "Thank you for freeing me. For this, you can have one wish." So the man thinks for a bit and shouts, "I want a million ducks!" and as soon as he said it, money fell from the sky, hundreds and thousands of cash scattered everywhere. So the man collects all the cash and walks back into the bar to return the lamp. The bartender, who witnessed the whole event asks, "Wow, how did you know that the genie was hard of hearing?"
"Well," the man replies, "I see this joke posted here every day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jwhbr/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's big, black and loaded with aids?

A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jwf3y/whats_big_black_and_loaded_with_aids/
%
Why can't Helen Keller drive?

She's a woman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jwf19/why_cant_helen_keller_drive/
%
What's the name of the jewish spider?

Spidermann

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jwcku/whats_the_name_of_the_jewish_spider/
%
Last week i just robbed my first bank in my new Frog outfit.

I Kermited a major offense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jwa0e/last_week_i_just_robbed_my_first_bank_in_my_new/
%
A man goes in a tobacco shop...

and asks for a packet of cigarettes. The owner gives him one with the following warning label:
"Smoking causes erectile dysfunction".
So the man says:
"Whaaaat!!! Take that back and give me one with lung cancer! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jw988/a_man_goes_in_a_tobacco_shop/
%
the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.

So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first
- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness
The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'
'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jw8vh/the_heads_of_coors_budweiser_and_guinness_go_to/
%
What did the three eggs say to Taylor Swift?

Omelette you finish...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jw87s/what_did_the_three_eggs_say_to_taylor_swift/
%
As a German I have concerns about the European soccer championship...

Last time it didn't end well when we sent a couple boys to France to defeat all of Europe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jw7g0/as_a_german_i_have_concerns_about_the_european/
%
Wife: Why do you keep talking about my weight behind my back?

Husband: Because when I get round to the front I've forgotten what I was going to say

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jw770/wife_why_do_you_keep_talking_about_my_weight/
%
What were the Kamikaze Pilot's last words?

"Watch this cause i'll only do it once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jw6qf/what_were_the_kamikaze_pilots_last_words/
%
Why didn't the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10?

"I still love Vista, baby"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jw6lb/why_didnt_the_terminator_upgrade_to_windows_10/
%
I saw a hot dog vendor today...

She was good looking, but I don't really want a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jw4hr/i_saw_a_hot_dog_vendor_today/
%
What do black people do after sex?

15 to life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jw41v/what_do_black_people_do_after_sex/
%
An Englishman, An Irishman and a Scotsman are all sentenced for 10 years for manslaughter....

But are all told they can each take something into their cell with them.
The Englishman thinks and says "I'll take a sexy Blonde girl in with me"
The Irishman thinks and says "I'll take a lifetime supply of beer"
The Scotsman thinks and he says "I'll take a million cigarettes"
The High court judge thought for a moment and nodded, allowing them all their wishes.
Once their sentences have been served they are all released and are asked how it was for them and if they think any problems arose for them with their wishes.
the Englishman stood and said "I think I have an STD"
the Irishman stood and said "I think I have major liver problems"
the Scotsman stood and said "anybody got a lighter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jw2zu/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_are_all/
%
Broken Leg

Bill had a broken leg. His friend Nick visits him.
Bill asks Nick, "Can you go get my slippers upstairs?"
Nick goes upstairs to see Bills beautiful daughters on their beds.
Nick says, "Your dad wants me to have sex with you."
They say, "No way! Prove it!"
Nick shouts at Bill, "Both of them?"
Bill shouts, "Yes, both! What's the use of fucking one!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jw2yw/broken_leg/
%
The French Fighter Pilot

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's Lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Pierre stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jw06k/the_french_fighter_pilot/
%
Two bacteria walk into a bar

.
The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here."
And the bacteria says,
*"But we work here. We're staph."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jvz1e/two_bacteria_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.
Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.
Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.
Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jvylr/obama_putin_and_merkel_at_the_baltic_sea/
%
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college

I don't think I can ever pay you back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jvx6d/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/
%
What do you call a gay keyboard layout?

Qweerty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jvmdf/what_do_you_call_a_gay_keyboard_layout/
%
Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House...

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House, after three laps Trump excitedly yells "10 minutes exactly, well that has to be a new record!".
Obama says "I don't think so, Bush did 9:11".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jvhyq/obama_and_trump_are_running_laps_around_the_white/
%
What is the similarity between Election and Erection?

The words election and erection are spelled similarly. They both have the same meaning too: a dick rising to power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jvh4k/what_is_the_similarity_between_election_and/
%
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem...

...comes out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jvfde/so_this_guy_with_a_premature_ejaculation_problem/
%
Two toasters are sitting on a counter. One toaster turns to the other and says, "Do you sometimes feel empty?"

To which the other toaster replies, "OH MY GOD! A talking toaster!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jv660/two_toasters_are_sitting_on_a_counter_one_toaster/
%
Family Drive

A young boy is sitting on the back seat out on family drive. The family are driving behind a large truck. As they are driving behind this truck it hits a pot hole in the road and a dildo falls out of the back of the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.
"What was that"? The boy ask his Father from the back seat.
The Dad turns to the back seat and says. "Argh..nothing son, it was just a insect".
To which the boy replies "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock that big".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jv2l9/family_drive/
%
An old man gets two doses of bad news from his doctor...But which is worse?

"Well Dale, your results are in... I have some bad news and some really bad news."
"Just hit me with the worst first Doc. What's the really bad news? Get it out of the way."
The doctor takes a deep breath and prepares to tell Dale the news.
"Ok... Dale you do have lung cancer. Third stage and its aggressive."
Dale, stunned by the news lowers his head to his hands, obviously deeply troubled by the horrible news. You can hear the despair in his voice. "Jeez Doc. Well that's just terrible. Don't know how I'm gonna tell the wife."
After a few moments of silence, Dale, trying to act normally gets his wits together and says, "Well that's been said and its done. What's the bad news? Pretty sure I can take anything now Doc."
The doctor looks back up at Dale and tells him, "Dale you also have Alzheimer's Disease."
Again, Dale is stunned and not taking the news well. His head goes back to his hands and after a little thinking, he looks up at the doctor and says:
"Well, at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4juzl2/an_old_man_gets_two_doses_of_bad_news_from_his/
%
Do you know what I miss about my childhood?

Not caring about spelling and chocolate milf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4juwoi/do_you_know_what_i_miss_about_my_childhood/
%
A young, clean-shaven knight was paying homage to his queen at court

The queen asked the knight, "Pray tell me sir, but have you any children?" The knight replies. "No your grace, I do not". The queen said, "I do not doubt your word for a second sir. One can always judge the quality of the pitchfork from the state of the hay." Feeling embarrassed, the knight asks her, "My lady tell me true: have you any hair betwixt thine legs?" The queen took offense and answered harshly, "No sir, I do not". Smiling, the knight said, "I did not think so, for grass does not grow on the well beaten path."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4juwlq/a_young_cleanshaven_knight_was_paying_homage_to/
%
I just found the Wand of Transfiguration!

This changes everything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4juv2m/i_just_found_the_wand_of_transfiguration/
%
A policeman pulls over a speeding motorist...

and asks him "Why were you speeding?"
The man replies, "I was going to the Policeman ball."
The police officer replies, "But policemen don't have balls."
The man smiles and drives away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4juurn/a_policeman_pulls_over_a_speeding_motorist/
%
What did the resistor say to the capacitor?

Watt's up. ^^^I'm ^^^^Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jurva/what_did_the_resistor_say_to_the_capacitor/
%
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jurq5/i_went_to_a_restaurant_that_serves_breakfast_at/
%
An old lady wants a better sex life

An old lady goes to the doctor because she wants a better sex life with her husband. The doctor prescribes Viagra for him, when she says:
"No way, doctor. My husband doesn't even take aspirines. He would never take Viagra. He's just too proud".
"Well, in that case, just hide one pill in his sandwich. Come here next week and tell me how it went".
The next week, the old lady sees the doctor again.
"Oh no doctor, IT WAS HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE!"
"But what happened? Did you follow my instructions?"
"Yes. I hid the pill in his sandwich and it worked immediately. He stood up and unzipped his pants, bent me over the table and made love to me in the wildest and craziest way. It was HORRIBLE!! Horrible!!"
"Wow but why was it so horrible? Wasn't the sex good?"
"No, doctor. It was the best sex I had in 20 years. It's just that I will never be able to enter a McDonald's again".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4junuf/an_old_lady_wants_a_better_sex_life/
%
How does the Kool-Aid man end his jokes...

with a punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jul9n/how_does_the_koolaid_man_end_his_jokes/
%
What's the difference between an elephant and a police car?

On the elephant, the trunk is in the front and the asshole is in the rear.
Cop here, so everyone laugh it up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4juii5/whats_the_difference_between_an_elephant_and_a/
%
Three blondes are walking through a forest...

...when they spot tracks on the ground.
The first blonde says, "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says, "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says, "You're both wrong, these are bird tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4juhgu/three_blondes_are_walking_through_a_forest/
%
An inspector goes in to an asylum...

He needs to make sure that all of the patients' rooms are up to code, following a new set of regulations.
When he enters the first room, the patient is shooting an imaginary basketball.
The inspector asks, "What are you doing?"
"When I get out of here, I'm going to be in the NBA," the patient responds.
"Okay..." replies the inspector.  He checks out the room, takes some notes, and moves on.
As he enters the second room, there is a patient swinging an imaginary golf club.
"What are you doing?" asks the inspector.
"When I get out of here, I'm going to go on the PGA tour," the patient replies.
"Okay..." says the inspector.  He checks out the room, takes some notes, and moves on.
As he enters the third room, he sees a patient with his penis in a can of cashews.
"What are you going to be when you get out of here?" Asks the inspector.
The patient replies, "Are you kidding me?! I'm never getting out of here! I'm fucking nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jueqh/an_inspector_goes_in_to_an_asylum/
%
A young man on a plane is flirting with a nearby flight attendant...

"Hey, wanna join the Mile-High Club? *wink wink*"
The flight attendant responds "No thanks. And quite honestly, I don't give a flying fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4judi5/a_young_man_on_a_plane_is_flirting_with_a_nearby/
%
Someone called my shirt gay today...

True. It just came out of the closet today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jubfk/someone_called_my_shirt_gay_today/
%
CNN has just reported that Monika Lewinski will be helping with the Donald Trump for president campaign.

Apparently,  the last time she endorsed a Clinton, it left a bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ju87i/cnn_has_just_reported_that_monika_lewinski_will/
%
My uncle smelled me today

My 75 year old Uncle went by me today and said, "Brent, you smell like a whore on Saturday night."  I said "Thanks, Uncle Bill, wait, is that good or bad?"  And he said "Oh, that's good.  Bad is smelling like a whore on Sunday morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ju7zc/my_uncle_smelled_me_today/
%
What does a pirate do for entertainment?

Whatever floats his boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ju7te/what_does_a_pirate_do_for_entertainment/
%
My girlfriend told me her head hurt.

I said, "No it doesn't, I really enjoy it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ju6c6/my_girlfriend_told_me_her_head_hurt/
%
A boy walks in on his dad..

masturbating.  His dad continues to vigorously masturbate while his son stands in shock.
The boy asks "Dad, what are you doing?"
His dad reponds "I'm masturbating, son.  Pay attention to my form.  It'll come in handy, cause you'll be doing it soon enough."
The boy asks "You think so?"
And his dad says "Absolutely, because my arm is starting to get tired..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ju1so/a_boy_walks_in_on_his_dad/
%
How do you climb a triangle?

By scalene it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jtz6e/how_do_you_climb_a_triangle/
%
A father walks in on his son...

A father walks in on his son masturbating. The father says, "Son, If you keep masturbating you'll go blind!"
The son replies, "Dad, I'm over here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jtymc/a_father_walks_in_on_his_son/
%
A man in North Korea got given 40 years in a labour camp for calling Kim Jong Un an idiot...

5 for slander, and 35 for revealing state secrets-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jtxzt/a_man_in_north_korea_got_given_40_years_in_a/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jtvhe/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
Have you ever heard of the international feline butt scratching award? .

I hear it's a catastrophe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jtlsr/have_you_ever_heard_of_the_international_feline/
%
I do not need to have a threesome...

... if I want to disappoint two people at once, I go to dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jtf06/i_do_not_need_to_have_a_threesome/
%
Because telescopes work using mirrors...

We'll never know if there are any space vampires.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jtbta/because_telescopes_work_using_mirrors/
%
Say the punchline first.

Wait, I mean, how do you ruin a good joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jtbf8/say_the_punchline_first/
%
What shoes did the pedophile wear?

White vans hah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jt7fk/what_shoes_did_the_pedophile_wear/
%
How many radical, trans, love-fluid, non-binary persons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2 - one to do it and the other to comment on how it's symbolic of rape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jt6gc/how_many_radical_trans_lovefluid_nonbinary/
%
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jt5yc/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
I have a phobia of over engineered buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jt4sr/i_have_a_phobia_of_over_engineered_buildings/
%
Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jt4nw/bill_clinton_george_wbush_and_george_washington/
%
I heard there's a woman going about with twelve nipples. Sounds absurd.

Dozen tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jt4h7/i_heard_theres_a_woman_going_about_with_twelve/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jt3s9/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
%
These five euphemisms for defecation will shock you!

I can't believe #2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jt3rc/these_five_euphemisms_for_defecation_will_shock/
%
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer.

I saw it clearly through my binoculars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jt2l9/i_fear_my_neighbor_may_be_stalking_me_shes_been/
%
How many Women Priest are there?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jt1tx/how_many_women_priest_are_there/
%
A drunk man and a priest

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, Say Father, what causes arthritis?
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, Well, I'll be damned. Then he returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.  I was just reading here that the Pope does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jt0ve/a_drunk_man_and_a_priest/
%
I found my Dad's old porn stash

I had no idea he was in so many movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jszep/i_found_my_dads_old_porn_stash/
%
My fairy godmother asked me "Do you want a long penis or a long memory?"

I don't remember my answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jsxoj/my_fairy_godmother_asked_me_do_you_want_a_long/
%
Girl on the bus

I was on the bus the other day, and I sat next to a girl who was reading a book called "sex and statistics" and I just had to ask her about it.
She said: "it's fascinating, really. Native Americans have the thickest cocks. Polish people have the longest, and Jewish people cum the fastest, for example."
"That's so cool," I replied, "my name is Raging Bull Polanski, wanna have sex with me?"
"I don't think I have time for that."
"We'll be fine. I have to leave for temple in five minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jsuzb/girl_on_the_bus/
%
Why didn't the Romans find algebra very challenging?

Because X was always 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jst5n/why_didnt_the_romans_find_algebra_very_challenging/
%
Parrot

A black guy walks in to a bar with a parrot on his shoulder the bar tender asks " he's beautiful where did you get him"
the parrot squaks " Africa theres plenty of them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jsrej/parrot/
%
My physicist gf told me she loves me to the moon and back ....

I don't know if she was referring to the Distance or Displacement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jsrae/my_physicist_gf_told_me_she_loves_me_to_the_moon/
%
So... a German is getting ready to enter in a plane to Poland.

"Occupation?" - The officer asks.
"Occupation? No! I'm here to visit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jsr2f/so_a_german_is_getting_ready_to_enter_in_a_plane/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

c*gh...ackk  co.. ugh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jsm32/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Why are rubber tires black?

So the police know what to shoot at during a chase

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jsgq3/why_are_rubber_tires_black/
%
A doctor tells his patient his results...

A doctor goes to his patient and tells him:"I have bad news for you.
First, you have cancer, and second, you have Alzheimer disease.
I am really sorry for you." The patient says:"At least I don't have cancer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jsfk3/a_doctor_tells_his_patient_his_results/
%
A dog walks into a pub

, and takes a seat.
He says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jsdkh/a_dog_walks_into_a_pub/
%
Not a joke, but a very funny story

I will never forget this story my percussion teacher, who is from the UK, told us in band class back in 2003.
In America, everyone knows when we say rubbers, we mean condoms. Well apparently, the British refer to erasers as rubbers, for good reason because erasers are indeed rubbery. But that's not the point.
When I was in high school, I had a percussion band teacher who was British. He decided to share this story with us when he went to a store in America to buy "a rubber."
My teacher said he approached the counter and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy a rubber." The clerk says, "Well sir, they come 5 in a pack." My teacher replied, "That's ridiculous! One would last me a year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jsaba/not_a_joke_but_a_very_funny_story/
%
Germany used to have a large French speaking region.

It was called France

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4js7sj/germany_used_to_have_a_large_french_speaking/
%
Three Generations of Prostitutes

There were three generations of prostitutes all living together. The daughter, mother, and grandma prostitute. Upon arriving home from work one day, the mother prostitute asks the daughter how her day was! "Not that great" she replies, "I only gave two blowjobs so only made a hundred bucks"! The mother replies "don't worry, back when I was working, we'd only get $50 for four blowjobs in a day"! At this time grandma prostitute chirps in, "back in my day, we'd just be happy with something warm in our stomachs"..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4js4vc/three_generations_of_prostitutes/
%
What do you call it when a really large number marries a small number?

A Ranged Marriage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4js28b/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_really_large_number/
%
Why did Karl Marx hate Earl Grey?

Because all proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4js0zd/why_did_karl_marx_hate_earl_grey/
%
I've always wondered what periods were like...

Could someone give me a demenstruation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrxvn/ive_always_wondered_what_periods_were_like/
%
You know you're old when...

...what were we talking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrwni/you_know_youre_old_when/
%
For all you boxing fans out there

Eighty year old woman, huge boxing fan, decides to get a couple of tattoos of her favourite pugilists done.
One of Mohamed Ali on the inside of her upper right thigh, one of Mike Tyson on the inside of her upper left thigh.
Pleased as punch, she goes home to her husband, lifts up her dress, spreads her legs and says, ' Well, what do you think of these?'
Husband replies 'The one on the right could be Mohamed Ali, the one on the left might be Mike Tyson, but the one in the middle is definitely Don King.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrukb/for_all_you_boxing_fans_out_there/
%
What's easier to pick up the heavier it is?

A girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrt8o/whats_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_is/
%
Why must you be religious to join the Navy?

Because it's a place of war ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrt4i/why_must_you_be_religious_to_join_the_navy/
%
Why do bicycles fall over?

They are two-tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrt48/why_do_bicycles_fall_over/
%
What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrrqv/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_two_dicks/
%
A couple in bed

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey.  I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over.  A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.  "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrrbi/a_couple_in_bed/
%
What happens to communists who are late to class?

The get marxed tardy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrpij/what_happens_to_communists_who_are_late_to_class/
%
What profession is it important to know how to read lips?

A gynecologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrkwv/what_profession_is_it_important_to_know_how_to/
%
Really Big Lighter

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”
The man replies, ”See the man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”
So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.
The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”
The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrk0d/really_big_lighter/
%
Why do pirates like girls with small tits?

Because they always search for sunken chests

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrji1/why_do_pirates_like_girls_with_small_tits/
%
"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor.  But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"
"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrilr/im_sorry_sir_but_weve_determined_you_have_a/
%
I made a gun in the style of a social justice warrior

It has too many triggers though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jreuc/i_made_a_gun_in_the_style_of_a_social_justice/
%
what's worse than messing up a puchline to a joke

To get to the other side!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrcv0/whats_worse_than_messing_up_a_puchline_to_a_joke/
%
Knock Knock

Somebody knocks on door:
- Who is there?
- Police?
- What do you want?
- We want to talk.
- How many of you are there?
- Two.
- So talk with each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jrb6s/knock_knock/
%
isnt it so weird when youre thinking about someone and they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jr6jx/isnt_it_so_weird_when_youre_thinking_about/
%
A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..

The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees. 6 weeks
later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. While chatting over
dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants. "Wow!",
she says, "can you do that again?" He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jr325/a_man_goes_to_india_for_a_cheap_penis_extension/
%
The Worst Natural Disaster

So, all the natural disasters took a vote to see which one was the worst.
* Hurricane blew the others away.
* Earthquake shook things up pretty badly.
* Flooding was a bit of a wash.
* Blizzard almost buried the rest.
* Sinkhole's campaign totally collapsed.
* Meteor made a deep impact.
But in the end, Avalanche won by a landslide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqzvv/the_worst_natural_disaster/
%
So three old men met on a Sunday morning...

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqzkl/so_three_old_men_met_on_a_sunday_morning/
%
So a blonde walks into a electronics store

She says "can I buy this TV"
The clerk says no, "we dont sell to blonds's"
So she buys a redhead wig and goes back into the store
she says "can I buy this TV"
the clerk says "we dont sell to blonde's"
So she buys a brunette wig and goes into the store
She says, "can I buy this TV"
The clerk says, "No, we dont sell to blonde's"
The blonde says "how do you know I'm a blonde"
The clerk says "Because thats a microwave"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqyo2/so_a_blonde_walks_into_a_electronics_store/
%
A drunkard's wife said to him..

A drunkard's wife said to him, "Don't you dare use any more money on buying rum anymore!"
The man replied, "Then maybe you should stop wasting money on your beauty parlor!"
The wife, taken aback by the logical answer, said, "But I do this so I look beautiful for you, my dear.."
To which the man simply said, "You see, I drink for the same reason too! So that you look beautiful for me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqxlw/a_drunkards_wife_said_to_him/
%
What's the difference between jokes and dicks?

My girlfriend doesn't laugh at my jokes.
*edited for spelling: "Mr" instead of "my"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqx8c/whats_the_difference_between_jokes_and_dicks/
%
So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...

... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?"
She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqvcs/so_a_woman_is_chasing_down_an_ice_cream_truck/
%
I came upon a woman in the park

So she wiped it off and called the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqt83/i_came_upon_a_woman_in_the_park/
%
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman...

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.
A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqsz6/sometimes_it_is_very_important_if_a_sentence_was/
%
How did the feminist die?

Alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqqsh/how_did_the_feminist_die/
%
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqnhq/how_many_surrealists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Who was the only president that was not guilty?

Lincoln. He was in a cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqm42/who_was_the_only_president_that_was_not_guilty/
%
How do the Irish cure a hangover?

With a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqm0c/how_do_the_irish_cure_a_hangover/
%
Jokes about unemployed people are not funny...

They just don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqlcf/jokes_about_unemployed_people_are_not_funny/
%
Choosing Passwords

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50fuckingboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER:50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:ReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqlaz/choosing_passwords/
%
A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a restaurant...

The man and his companions sit down at a table and a waitress walks over to them to take their order.
"I'll have a 16oz Steak with all the trimmings and a bottle of champagne." The man says.
The waitress nods and turns towards the ostrich, who seems confused.
"Oh! Uh, I'll, um... I want, uh, I dunno, uuuuuuhhhhhhhhh, I'll just have what he had."
Writing down the order again she looks to the cat.
"Yeah I'll have the same. But I'm not paying for it! I won't pay a single penny." He said as he turned his nose up at her.
The waitress smiles and walks off to the kitchen. She appears again later with three huge meals and 3 bottles of champagne.
After the man and his companions finish their meals the waitress returns to the table to ask him if there was anything else. The man said no and she went to fetch the bill.
"That'll be £166.95 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out £166.95 exactly in cash and places it in the waitress's hand.
Her eyes widen as she looks down at the pile of cash and change in her hands. She looks up at him in amazement.
"How could you possibly have the exact money ready for me?"
"Oh thats a funny story actually, I found an old lamp the other day. After I rubbed it a Genie promptly popped out and proclaimed he could grant me three wishes." Explained the man.
"And?" Urged the waitress.
"My first wish was to always have the exact money in cash readily in my pocket whenever I needed it." Said the man, triumphantly.
"And the second and third wishes?" Inquired the waitress.
The man pauses briefly and looks to his companions.
"I wished for a dumb bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqkk6/a_man_an_ostrich_and_a_cat_walk_into_a_restaurant/
%
Why cant Miss Piggy count to 100?

Every time she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqgll/why_cant_miss_piggy_count_to_100/
%
What blood type does a motivational speaker have?

B Positive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqd2a/what_blood_type_does_a_motivational_speaker_have/
%
A man goes to buy a pack of cigarettes......

The cashier hands him a pack. He goes out and thinks of lighting one up. The pack reads "Beware smoking causing impotency". He goes back in hey man i think you gave me the wrong pack give me the one with cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jqbdk/a_man_goes_to_buy_a_pack_of_cigarettes/
%
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jq9t4/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
%
So I asked my grandma

I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jq9rq/so_i_asked_my_grandma/
%
Why is it called a Wonder Bra?

When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jq95w/why_is_it_called_a_wonder_bra/
%
Did you hear about the new viagra eye drops?

They just make you look hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jq91g/did_you_hear_about_the_new_viagra_eye_drops/
%
Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jq69b/why_did_the_cows_come_back_to_the_marijuana_field/
%
What's a zombie's favorite weather?

Brainstorms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jq35m/whats_a_zombies_favorite_weather/
%
Words can't describe how beautiful you are!

But numbers can - 3/10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jq06w/words_cant_describe_how_beautiful_you_are/
%
What is the cheapest meat?

Deer testicles.
They're under a Buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jpzze/what_is_the_cheapest_meat/
%
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jpvv2/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
What is faster Hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jpp2l/what_is_faster_hot_or_cold/
%
Losing your virginity is a lot like learning to ride a bike...

Dad is holding you from behind the whole time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jpmp5/losing_your_virginity_is_a_lot_like_learning_to/
%
Why do chicken coops have only two doors?

If they had four doors they would be chicken sedans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jpmmb/why_do_chicken_coops_have_only_two_doors/
%
Atheism...

...is a non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jpmep/atheism/
%
I decided to be vegan!

Until I realized that it was a missed steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jpj35/i_decided_to_be_vegan/
%
What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jpi20/whats_black_and_screams/
%
If 666 is the evil number

Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jphe5/if_666_is_the_evil_number/
%
My neighbors listen to awesome music.

Whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jpcaq/my_neighbors_listen_to_awesome_music/
%
I used to be addicted

to soap, now I'm clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jpahj/i_used_to_be_addicted/
%
How to get holy water?

Boiling the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jp3fj/how_to_get_holy_water/
%
I organized a threesome this past weekend.

There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jp29h/i_organized_a_threesome_this_past_weekend/
%
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seat belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4joykh/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
After a long and tough discussion, my wife and I decided to go with adoption.

Let the little shits be someone else's problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jov1y/after_a_long_and_tough_discussion_my_wife_and_i/
%
I like my sheds the way I like my strip clubs...

...dark and full of hoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jor9t/i_like_my_sheds_the_way_i_like_my_strip_clubs/
%
dead baby jokes

Q. whats more fun than spinning a dead baby around at 50mph?
A. stopping it with a shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jonlr/dead_baby_jokes/
%
How does Soylent Green taste?

It varies from person to person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jon0n/how_does_soylent_green_taste/
%
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jomxz/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_staring_at_lettuce/
%
A Man Has a Heart Attack on a Plane...

Stewardess: Is **anybody** here a doctor?!
Man: (Raising Hand) I'm a vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jolbs/a_man_has_a_heart_attack_on_a_plane/
%
What do you call a deaf dog?

It doesn't matter, it can't hear you anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jolbj/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_dog/
%
One day a family of squirrels and a family of skunks are crossing the road...

...a car drives by and hits them. The only survivors was a baby squirrel and skunk and from that day on they became the best of friends. Years later, they're walking through the woods together:
Squirrel: Hey, have you ever wondered what we were?
Skunk: Yes, I have.
Squirrel: How about we take a guess what we are, think of a few things that might make us that animal.
So they pause to think for a bit
Squirrel: I'll go first! So, I really like nuts, I can be crazy at times and I have a bushy tail, so I must be a Squirrel!
The skunk agrees, then ponders for a bit
Skunk: Hmm, well let's see here. I am not entirely white, but I am not entirely black and I smell bad, so I must be a Puerto Rican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jokvr/one_day_a_family_of_squirrels_and_a_family_of/
%
Why did John F. Kennedy take a cab home?

Because he had too many shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jokof/why_did_john_f_kennedy_take_a_cab_home/
%
Saudi Arabia now supports euthanasia

Just proclaim you are homosexual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jof03/saudi_arabia_now_supports_euthanasia/
%
My teacher told me to turn in my essay,

But I ain't no snitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jodqe/my_teacher_told_me_to_turn_in_my_essay/
%
I heard a really good Mexican joke...

It made me Espanlol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jocpo/i_heard_a_really_good_mexican_joke/
%
What do you get when you put mice in the oven?

Mice crispies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jobiz/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_mice_in_the_oven/
%
Whats the difference between Trump and Hitler?

About 70 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jo7dz/whats_the_difference_between_trump_and_hitler/
%
Why is the United States always in political disarray?

It's a nation without a litre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jo4e3/why_is_the_united_states_always_in_political/
%
An old lady in front of me dropped a $20 note, so I asked myself, "what would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jo3vb/an_old_lady_in_front_of_me_dropped_a_20_note_so_i/
%
A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken said..

"dont do it man, you will never hear the end of it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jo1h4/a_duck_was_about_to_cross_the_road_when_a_chicken/
%
It is so cold outside

I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jo0qe/it_is_so_cold_outside/
%
What do you call an intelligent prostitute?

A fucking genius!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jo09p/what_do_you_call_an_intelligent_prostitute/
%
Two nuns sare coming back from the market late at night

Two nuns, Sister Dulce and Sister Andrea, are on their way back from the market one evening. It's already very late, and they have quite a distance left before reaching their convent. Suddenly, Sister Dulce grabs hold of Sister Andrea's arm.
"Is it just me," she asks, "or is that man following us?!"
Sister Andrea glances over her shoulder, then whispers back. "I think he might be, yes!"
"What do you think he wants?!"
"Isn't it obvious?" asks Sister Andrea. "He's going to rape us! What should we do?!"
"I know," replies Sister Dulce. "We'll split up. I'll take the left road to the convent, and you take the one on the right."
The nuns part ways, and a few minutes later, Sister Dulce arrives at the convent. She starts pacing in front of the door, worried that some terrible fate has befallen the other nun. Then, just as Sister Dulce is about to give up hope, she sees Sister Andrea running up the path.
"What happened?!" asks Sister Dulce.
"Well," replies Sister Andrea, "I started running, and the man started chasing me."
"Oh, no! Then what?!"
"He caught up to me."
Sister Dulce gasps. "What did you do?!"
"The only thing I could do," Sister Andrea answers. "I lifted up my dress."
"What did the man do?!"
"He dropped his pants."
Sister Dulce clutches her rosary, terrified of what she's about to hear next. "Then... then what happened?"
"Isn't it obvious?" asks Sister Andrea. "A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jnx8j/two_nuns_sare_coming_back_from_the_market_late_at/
%
Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jnv51/why_did_the_console_player_cross_the_road/
%
Just back from that seafood disco.

Pulled a mussel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jnsxq/just_back_from_that_seafood_disco/
%
A man buys a house

The guy he buys it from says
"we printed out the deed but didn't have paper so we printed it on this plank of wood, will that be okay?"
"That wooden deed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jnsn2/a_man_buys_a_house/
%
My dick is a joke

Nobody's ever seen it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jnrhd/my_dick_is_a_joke/
%
So a man named Paul once bought a lie detector

that beeped every time a lie was told. After he bought it, he decided to try it out at dinner. After the meal was finished, the father asked his son, "Have you done your homework?", and the son said "A little", and the machine beeped. The boy said " Oh okay, I was over at some friends watching a movie". "What movie?" the father asked. "Toy Story". The machine beeped. "Oh okay, Fight Club". The father, obviously angry said "I never even watched a rated R film until I was an adult!". The machine beeped. And the mother said, "Well, he certainly is your son, Paul" and the machine beeped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jnor1/so_a_man_named_paul_once_bought_a_lie_detector/
%
What's the current number one song in Russia?

Crimea river

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jnl8m/whats_the_current_number_one_song_in_russia/
%
How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?

Glue doorknobs to the walls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jnjq1/how_do_helen_kellers_parents_punish_her/
%
Why did the man break up with his girlfriend who had a lazy eye?

Because she was seeing somebody on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jnj27/why_did_the_man_break_up_with_his_girlfriend_who/
%
An admiral visited one of the ships

of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jniuo/an_admiral_visited_one_of_the_ships/
%
My counsellor told me I have a problem with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jni1q/my_counsellor_told_me_i_have_a_problem_with/
%
r/funny told me to post it here. So, a married couple went to the hospital...

A married couple went to the hospital so that the woman could give birth to her child. Upon their arrival, the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed. So the doctor set the pain to be transferred to 10% and told the man that this would be the most painful thing he ever experienced. But when labor set in the man still felt absolutely fine and the doctor set the machine to 20%. The man still felt fine so the doctor set it to 50% whilst checking the vitals man. Still no problem for the man. So he asked the doctor if he could set it to 100% because he could see how comfortable his wife was getting. After 2 hours of labor, the woman gave birth to a healthy baby. Both were pretty astonished, thanked the doctor left. When they came home the milkman was lying dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jng6l/rfunny_told_me_to_post_it_here_so_a_married/
%
So the Pope is on the way to his coronation...

...and the cardinals are preparing for his arrival.
One of the cardinals visits a local fisherman and says "I need to catch a fish to serve the new pope tonight".
The fisherman takes him out on his boat and they catch a massive fish.
The fisherman yells "that is a huge son of a bitch!" To which the cardinal replies "I am a man of the cloth! You shouldn't talk to me like that!"
"No, you don't understand! The name of this kind of fish is "son of a bitch"!"
The cardinal and the fisherman have a good laugh and bring the fish back ashore, and the cardinal proceeds to take it back to the Vatican.
When the cardinal arrives at the Vatican, he greets one of the female kitchen workers and says, "look at this huge son of a bitch I caught!" To which the kitchen worker replies, "sir! I am a lady and you shouldn't speak to me like that!"
The cardinal replies, "You don't understand! That is the name of the fish!"
"Well then, I will clean this son of a bitch and give it to the cook!" Says the kitchen worker.
The kitchen worker brings the fish to the cook after cleaning it and says "this fish is called a son of a bitch, would you cook it for the pope?"
To which the cook replies "certainly!"
Soon, the cook comes out of the kitchen with the cooked fish and serves it to the cardinal and the pope.
"My goodness! I am from Argentina and I have never seen a fish this big!"
"Papa, I caught that son of a bitch!" the cardinal says.
"Papa, I cleaned that son of a bitch!" says the kitchen worker.
"Papa, I cooked that son of a bitch!" The cook says.
The pope leans back to relax with his hands resting behind his head and says,
"I like you motherfuckers already!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jnftm/so_the_pope_is_on_the_way_to_his_coronation/
%
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jneq3/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why did the Mexican civil war last so long?

Because they were fighting Juan on Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jnchu/why_did_the_mexican_civil_war_last_so_long/
%
I've never been a great salesman

I'll tell you that for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jnc1w/ive_never_been_a_great_salesman/
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Statistics show that most Canadians are nosey.

They do, however, say "zed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jnbay/statistics_show_that_most_canadians_are_nosey/
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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jn8kd/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship_in_the/
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are

pregnant, waiting to be seen for their 20 week check-ups. Since they'll be identifying gender today, the topic comes up.
"Well, we had sex in the missionary position, so I know we'll have a boy" says the redhead, smiling.
"Well I rode him cowgirl, so I know we're going to have a little lady!" says the brunette proudly. They look over at the blonde, who is crying her eyes out. "What's wrong?" They ask in unison.
"I'm gonna have puppies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jn7jn/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_are/
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I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jn3ka/i_invented_a_sjw_alarm_clock/
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Heroin is like a baby..

..it feels so amazing to have in your arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jn00p/heroin_is_like_a_baby/
%
Why were the Indians the first ones here?

Because they had reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jmyxl/why_were_the_indians_the_first_ones_here/
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What is 12 inches long and hangs infront of a cunt?

Trump's tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jmyhh/what_is_12_inches_long_and_hangs_infront_of_a_cunt/
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Two Texas Rangers arrive at a crime scene...

There they find a black male hanging from a tree by a noose with 4 bullet holes in his back ...
The rookie asks "what do you think sir?"
The Sgt. Replies "Goddamn worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jmyfl/two_texas_rangers_arrive_at_a_crime_scene/
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"Doctor, doctor! I need a new pair of glasses!"

"I can see that - this is a hotdog stand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jmw97/doctor_doctor_i_need_a_new_pair_of_glasses/
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Veronica just found out she is pregnant so she invited two friends for lunch to share the good news...

One of her friend asked, "do you want a boy or a girl?"
Veronica said, "I would like a girl but would be happy with either. The doctor told me I won't be able to find out for another couple of weeks."
The other friend then said, "there is a easier way to find out. If you were on top when the baby was conceived then the baby will be a girl. If your husband was on top, then the baby will be a boy."
Upon hearing this, Veronica start sobbing. Her friends tried to calm her down and tells her it was only a joke.
Veronica was relieved. With a little tear still in her eyes, she said, "oh my god, thank goodness because I thought I was going to have a puppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jmuu6/veronica_just_found_out_she_is_pregnant_so_she/
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What is a caterpillar's biggest fear?

A dogerpillar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jmosq/what_is_a_caterpillars_biggest_fear/
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Too black for casuals

So we were having sex and my girlfriend asked if she could roleplay as a 14 year old teenager and i said :
-what the fuck , u will be 14 in 2 years anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jml3o/too_black_for_casuals/
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Why do deaf women wear tight jeans?

So you can read their lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jmja0/why_do_deaf_women_wear_tight_jeans/
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What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jmi64/whats_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
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Police are like a box of chocolates....

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jmi2a/police_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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What's a whales favorite musical group?

An orcastra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jmfzj/whats_a_whales_favorite_musical_group/
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3 men go on a trip.....

They decided to just book just 1 room with 1 bed to save money.
After the first night, the man who slept on the right said, "I dreamed I was getting a handjob last night."
The man on the left said, " I dreamed about getting a handjob too! What a coincidence! "
The man in the middle said, "I dreamed I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jmfwb/3_men_go_on_a_trip/
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What lies upside down a hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jm6sm/what_lies_upside_down_a_hundred_feet_in_the_air/
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How do you know a joke is a repost?

It's on the front page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jm4gk/how_do_you_know_a_joke_is_a_repost/
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Instead of being buried or cremated, I’ve arranged to be liquidized.

I’m not going to any funeral I can't get drunk at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jlxel/instead_of_being_buried_or_cremated_ive_arranged/
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How do you make a salad wrap?

By adding some beets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jlx83/how_do_you_make_a_salad_wrap/
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How did I escape Iraq?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jluhm/how_did_i_escape_iraq/
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What do you call an Asian woman who lives next to a data centre?

Ping Lo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jltrp/what_do_you_call_an_asian_woman_who_lives_next_to/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

With K cups

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jlqu5/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Jesus and floppy discs are very similar

They both died to become the image of saving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jlqno/jesus_and_floppy_discs_are_very_similar/
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So I met a vegan.

I'd finish the joke, but she's still talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jlp5b/so_i_met_a_vegan/
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I went to a dance.

First they played 'Jump', so I jumped.
Then they played 'The Twist', so I twisted.
Then they played 'Come On Eileen', so I got kicked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jlokc/i_went_to_a_dance/
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A guy is lost in the jungle

...and is trying to find his way out. While he's wandering, he suddenly hears footsteps and cries behind him. He turns around and sees a group of savage tribesmen running towards him with spears in their hands.
The guy absolutely freaks out and starts running through any gap he sees between the trees, with no idea where he is going. Suddenly, he reaches a cliff end and he has nowhere else to run, with the tribesmen only a few seconds away.
"I AM FUCKED!" he exclaims in panic.
He hears an eerie voice. *"No... you are not fucked. I am the guardian spirit of this forest. Pick up a rock and throw it at the tribe's leader when they approach you. Do as I say, human."*
The guy thinks "Well, he is the guardian spirit, he knows what he's talking about", so he grabs a sharp rock and prepares. When the tribesmen are a few feet away, he takes aim and throws the rock right on the leader's forehead.
*"NOW you are fucked".*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jlnjd/a_guy_is_lost_in_the_jungle/
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What's the Difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jlmh9/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
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My dad has 2 dicks

Little Johnny is sitting in Sex Ed class. The teacher draws a penis on the chalkboard. She turns around and asks the children what this is. Little Johnny stands right up and says "That's a dick! And I know cuz my dad has Two of them!"
"Two of them?!" The teacher exclaimed.
"Yeah, he uses the little one to pee and the big one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jlkbv/my_dad_has_2_dicks/
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What's the difference between reddit and facebook?

About a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jlf0o/whats_the_difference_between_reddit_and_facebook/
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What should you do before cooking the vegetables?

Remove the wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jld87/what_should_you_do_before_cooking_the_vegetables/
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A man goes for a nice shave at the barber's

While sitting down on the barber chair in the barber place, he tells the barber man that he could never properly shave his cheeks. The barber quickly goes to a drawer and takes out a small wooden ball. He tells the client to place it in his mouth between the cheek and his teeth.
Once the barber is done with the shave the man takes the ball out and looks in the mirror with a happy and surprised face that finally his cheeks were properly shaves.
"Say, what would have happened had I swallowed the ball?" asked the client.
"Meh... that wouldn't have been a problem, you would have done what every other client does, bring it back the next day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jlbm9/a_man_goes_for_a_nice_shave_at_the_barbers/
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A man was pissed off at his boss.

He decided to go for a walk to calm down. As the man was walking along, he accidentally kicked a lamp. A genie appeared from the lamp and said "I am the genie of the lamp. I shall grant you three wishes, but be warned, the person you hate the most, your boss, will receive twice as much of whatever you wish for."
Intrigued, the man made his first wish. "I wish for a beautiful wife," he said.
"It is done." With a puff of smoke, the genie gave the man a beautiful wife, but the genie also gave the man's boss two beautiful wives.
The man said, "For my second wish, I wish for a mansion on the beach."
The genie replied, "It is done," and granted the man a mansion on the beach. However, the genie also gave the man's boss two mansions on the beach.
The genie then said, "Alright, you have one wish remaining. What is your final wish?"
The man replied, "I wish you'd beat me half to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jlad7/a_man_was_pissed_off_at_his_boss/
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Wife asked what was on the TV...

I said "dust". That's when the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jl976/wife_asked_what_was_on_the_tv/
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I put my root beer into a square glass...

now it's just beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jl8n9/i_put_my_root_beer_into_a_square_glass/
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How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber?

Raisin' Bran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jl50i/how_did_eddard_stark_get_his_daily_recommended/
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RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jl11i/rip_boiling_water/
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A man has to leave the country..

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.
After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jkzpt/a_man_has_to_leave_the_country/
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Catholic boys don't wank...

The priests do it for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jky2j/catholic_boys_dont_wank/
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Two ninjas were having an argument

Two ninjas were arguing over which one was the better ninja.
The first says, "Man, you can't even throw a ninja star."
The second ninja says, "Shuriken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jkwvs/two_ninjas_were_having_an_argument/
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Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499
Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door
Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door
Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why?
A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator
Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How?
A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party
Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why?
A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jkwdx/q_500_bricks_are_on_a_plane_one_falls_off_how/
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I gave away all of my dead batteries

Free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jkw8u/i_gave_away_all_of_my_dead_batteries/
%
A guy takes his girlfriend fishing with him out on the lake...

"A guy takes his girlfriend fishing with him out on the lake.
She talks too much and scares away the fish.
He takes his girlfriend hunting with him out in the woods.
She talks too much and scares away the deer.
He takes his girlfriend quail hunting with him out in a field.
She talks too much and scares away the quail.
He takes his girlfriend camping with him out in the wilderness.
She talks too much and he doesn't get any sleep.
He takes his girlfriend golfing with him out on the golf course.
She talks too much and ruins his swing.
He takes his girlfriend to a movie with him out at the movie theater.
She talks too much and he misses the entire plot of the movie.
He takes his girlfriend with him to a football game out at the stadium.
She talks too much and he misses the game winning touchdown pass.
He takes his girlfriend to church with him at a cathedral.
She talks to much and he gets scolded by the priest.
He takes his girlfriend with him to Disneyland.
She talks too much and he doesn't enjoy a single ride.
He takes his girlfriend bowling with him out at a bowling alley.
She talks too much and ruins-"
"Dammit, Karen, would you shut the hell up? You're scaring away the fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jktcs/a_guy_takes_his_girlfriend_fishing_with_him_out/
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9/11 Jokes aren't funny...

But the other 2 are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jksqm/911_jokes_arent_funny/
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Put the punchline in the title

Do you know what the best way to ruin a joke is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jkrk5/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
%
How are Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd similar?

Both's greatest hit was The Wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jkqsn/how_are_dale_earnhardt_and_pink_floyd_similar/
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In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A — G and P — Z.

The problem’s H to O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jkqkk/in_flint_michigan_students_have_no_difficulty/
%
When a woman asks for some time, and some space...

... she's trying to calculate speed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jkov1/when_a_woman_asks_for_some_time_and_some_space/
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The pianist

A sad looking man walks into the bar. The bartender sees the man take a seat and place a small pianist on the counter along with an ancient-looking lamp.
“What’s this?” the bartender asks. The sad man says, “The Djinn in the lamp will grant you a wish. Anything you want.” The curious bartender rubs the lamp and out swarms the blue Djinn!
“Tell me what you wish for!” the Djinn bellows. “I want fifty million bucks right now!” screams the bartender, greed gleaming in his eyes. “As you wish!” the Djinn bows down real low and vanishes – POOF.
Suddenly, the entire bar fills with ducks – fifty million, to be precise. Amidst the cacophony, the bartender asks the man, “What the hell happened?”
The man replies, “Do you really think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"
[Old joke - recounted by a friend last night]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jkj3j/the_pianist/
%
An illiterate Father went camping with his highly educated Son...

As they walk through the wildness the son boasts about how being educated makes him appreciate nature, evolution, etc. To which the father just shrugs and continues along.
When they reach their camping site, they set-up their tent and fell asleep.
Unable to sleep properly, the father wakes up his son after few hours.
"Son, what do you see when you look up in the sky?"
"I see millions, perhaps billions of stars"
"And what does that mean, Son?"
"Well - many of them are probably galaxies that can house a million earth like planets. In the grand scheme of things it just makes us in this tiny moat of dust called earth seem insignifi..."
The father just then hit the son in his head with a pan
"Idiot! it means someone stole out tent!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jkgdj/an_illiterate_father_went_camping_with_his_highly/
%
My wife told me I'm funny.

According to her, even having sex with me is a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jkdzr/my_wife_told_me_im_funny/
%
A black mom has six kids all named Leroy.

She tells them apart by their different last names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jkcqc/a_black_mom_has_six_kids_all_named_leroy/
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A blonde is putting together a puzzle. She is very frustrated and asks her husband for help.

"It's supposed to be a tiger!" she cries.
"Honey," says her husband wearily, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jk9ak/a_blonde_is_putting_together_a_puzzle_she_is_very/
%
What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jk7wl/whats_the_hardest_part_about_breaking_up_with_a/
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What is the Middle East's most favourite band?

Qu'ran Qu'ran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jk323/what_is_the_middle_easts_most_favourite_band/
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Argon walks into a bar

The bartender kicks him out.
Argon doesn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jk201/argon_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a 5 year old's knees?

Kidneys!
Ha! I'll be here all week folks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjxkn/what_do_you_call_a_5_year_olds_knees/
%
If a woman has sex with a hundred men......

She is a considered a slut.
If a man does the same thing, he is gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjwiq/if_a_woman_has_sex_with_a_hundred_men/
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Two Italian virgins get married.

On their wedding night, they just look at each other, clueless. Finally the man gets an idea. He calls his mother, hoping to get some advice. She tells him, "Just both of you get completely undressed, and then what you need to do will be obvious."
So the couple gets undressed, but they are still clueless about what to do next. The man calls his mother again. Exasperated, she says, "Just stick the longest part of you into the hairiest part of her!"
A moment later, the mother receives another call.
"I've got my nose in her armpit. Now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjstc/two_italian_virgins_get_married/
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What wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjrex/what_wood_doesnt_float/
%
if a gay man inquires about something....

Is it a queery?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjr6j/if_a_gay_man_inquires_about_something/
%
How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to get up on his high horse and another to chastise the first about oppressing horses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjpla/how_many_vegans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Teacher, Why are you sleeping in the class

Teacher: Why are you sleeping in the class ??
Student: Your Voice is so sweet Mam that's why
I am getting sleep.
Teacher: Then why other people are not sleeping?
Student: They are not Listening to you Mam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjktk/teacher_why_are_you_sleeping_in_the_class/
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Have you ever tried eating a clock?

I don't recommend it, it's quite time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjkte/have_you_ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
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What do you call a slutty Bee

A Whorenet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjjur/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_bee/
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How can you tell if your son is gay?

Ask him to go to a football game. If he can't go, because he's busy sucking his boyfriend's dick, he might be gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjjay/how_can_you_tell_if_your_son_is_gay/
%
The supermarket ran out of soup.

They were out of stock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjiqu/the_supermarket_ran_out_of_soup/
%
Three high school students are standing outside the school...

When they notice thunder and lighting in the distance. The French exchange student throws his hands in the air, screams, and runs away. One student asks the other, "Why did he run away like that?" To which the other replies "He knows lightning always strikes the point of least resistance."
True story, changed setting for simplicity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjhtj/three_high_school_students_are_standing_outside/
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In space, two aliens are talking to each other

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjgup/in_space_two_aliens_are_talking_to_each_other/
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NSFW So this girl finishes giving a well-hung man a very rigorous blow-job.

... Her jaw aches, her eyes are watery, and her throat hurts.  But she thought it would all be worth it, yet the guy just zips up & starts to walk away.  "Hey!" She says, her voice still a little raspy from the deed. "You said if I gave you head you'd buy me a pony!"
"No," he replies.  "I said you might get a little hoarse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjevp/nsfw_so_this_girl_finishes_giving_a_wellhung_man/
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Sexual Harassment joke

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjbt7/sexual_harassment_joke/
%
Two nuns were riding their bikes...

Two nuns were riding their bikes through Rome headed to the Vatican. One nun said to the other, "You know, sister, I don't think I've ever come this way before." The other nun said, "It's the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjbe4/two_nuns_were_riding_their_bikes/
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Our principal is so stupid

Boy: Our principal is so stupid. Girl: Don't you know who i am? Boy: No. Girl: I'm the principal's daughter. Boy: Do you know who i am? Girl: No. Boy: Good (walks away)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjaef/our_principal_is_so_stupid/
%
Why don't lesbians cook?

They prefer to eat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jj7u1/why_dont_lesbians_cook/
%
David Copperfield and Criss Angel walk into a bakery...

Using his masterful sleight of hand technique, Criss Angel immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket, without anyone noticing, except David Copperfield.
He says to the David, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." David Copperfield replies, "That's typical of you Criss, first you steal tricks, now you steal cakes. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. David Copperfield swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then he swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
Pointing at Criss Angel, David Copperfield replies, "Look in that guy's back pocket....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jj6sv/david_copperfield_and_criss_angel_walk_into_a/
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What did the peadophile say when he was released from prison?

I feel like a kid again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jj6qt/what_did_the_peadophile_say_when_he_was_released/
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I like my coffee like I like my women

Ground up and in the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jj6q6/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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I have something to say to anyone who has more than one Bachelor Degree

That's a bunch of B.S.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jj60v/i_have_something_to_say_to_anyone_who_has_more/
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What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jj59z/what_do_lawyers_wear_to_court/
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How many redditors it takes to change a lightbulb? [OC]

It only takes 1. But another 999 to repost this 100% original joke.
I made this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jj50z/how_many_redditors_it_takes_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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One day Superman is flying over the Justice League building...

and he looks down to see Wonder Woman sprawled out on her back, naked, tanning.
"Wow she is so hot, if only I can have a chance at that!" He exclaimed to himself. Suddenly a thought occurred to him...
"Wait, I am Superman! I can fly down there and have sex with her and fly off so fast she wouldn't even know what happened!"
So Superman quickly swoops down, does his business and flies off satisfied. Wonder Woman quickly gets up,
"What was that, I thought I heard something?"
Invisible man replies, "I don't know, but my ass really hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jj4rv/one_day_superman_is_flying_over_the_justice/
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what does the bermuda triangle and blonds have in common

they both swallow a lot of sea men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jj4nu/what_does_the_bermuda_triangle_and_blonds_have_in/
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A Soviet and an American are talking

The American says, "I am able to March into DC, march into the oval office, and say. Mr Reagan, I don't like how you're running this country." The Russian scoffs and says, "I can do the same, I can march into Moscow, go to the Kremlin, go to the general secretary's office and say. Mr Gorbachev, I don't like how Reagan is running his country."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jj4m5/a_soviet_and_an_american_are_talking/
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If you had your social security number in exact dollars how much money would you have?

I'd have 314,159,265

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jj1v5/if_you_had_your_social_security_number_in_exact/
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What do you get when you shoot a Mexican Golfer

A hole in Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jj1b7/what_do_you_get_when_you_shoot_a_mexican_golfer/
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A British vampire walks inside a bar...

The bartender offers him a glass of fresh blood but he refused. Instead, the vampire just asked for a cup of warm water. The bartender asked him why to which the vampire replied, "Well, I found some used tampons earlier. I'm just going to make some tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jj0tu/a_british_vampire_walks_inside_a_bar/
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At the beginning of the school year, a teacher is warned to NEVER make a bet with Little Johnny

On the first day of class, Johnny walked up to the teachers desk and said
"I bet you fifty dollars I can guess what color your panties are at the end of the day."
The teacher remembered what she was told, but she had an idea, so she takes Little Johnny's bet.
During the next class, she went into the bathroom, and took off her panties for the rest of the day.
At the end of the day, Johnny walked up to the teachers desk and says "Blue!"
The teacher lifted up her dress to reveal that she was not wearing any panties.
"okay, come out to the car, I have the money in there"
When they arrive to the car, Johnny's Dad shouted in rage.
"Why are you so angry?" the teacher said.
"My son bet me 100$ that he would see your pussy by the end of the day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jiwnr/at_the_beginning_of_the_school_year_a_teacher_is/
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Art Thief

A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mastermind replies with "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jiu40/art_thief/
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My girlfriend's dad asked me what I do...

Apparently "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jir1t/my_girlfriends_dad_asked_me_what_i_do/
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A guy takes his date to the carnival...

....and asks his date what she wants to do. She replies "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the Guess Your Weight booth and continue their date.
They go on a few more rides and again he asks her what she wants to do. "I wanna get weighed" she says once again. So they get her weighed again and go one a few more rides and then he takes her home.
When she gets home, her mother asks her how her date went.
She replied, "Wousy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jinsn/a_guy_takes_his_date_to_the_carnival/
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Why don't poor people go to funerals?

They can't afford to pay respects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jimts/why_dont_poor_people_go_to_funerals/
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Did you see the movie about the demolition team?

It did a great job of breaking the fourth wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jimsh/did_you_see_the_movie_about_the_demolition_team/
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What do you get if you put 20 blondes in a row standing ear to ear?

A wind tunnel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jiisu/what_do_you_get_if_you_put_20_blondes_in_a_row/
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I told my toilet to go eat shit...

I probably shouldn't have said that because he got all flushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jigxt/i_told_my_toilet_to_go_eat_shit/
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Bounty Towels have declined making a Donald Trump Towel

The company explained that it was impossible to make the towel because Donald Trump was already too self-absorbed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jig8o/bounty_towels_have_declined_making_a_donald_trump/
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What did the Borg's existential brother say (Star Trek)?

Existence is futile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jig6b/what_did_the_borgs_existential_brother_say_star/
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What do you call an abortion in Prague?

A cancelled Czech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jieq3/what_do_you_call_an_abortion_in_prague/
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I need a stupid joke about an animal, asap!

Help me make this girl at work smile. She loves stupid jokes about animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jidkm/i_need_a_stupid_joke_about_an_animal_asap/
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Why do Canadians like doggy style so much?

So they can both watch the hockey game!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jibpo/why_do_canadians_like_doggy_style_so_much/
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Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like.

"It's irony."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jib4i/human_drinks_a_vampires_blood_out_of_curiosity/
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Why is Peter Pan on the No-Fly list?

Whenever he boards a plane it neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ji8gp/why_is_peter_pan_on_the_nofly_list/
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What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?

The mosquitos stops sucking after you fucking slap it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ji5vv/whats_the_difference_between_a_mosquito_and_a/
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I wonder if deaf schizophrenic people hear voices...

I never asked them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ji4qv/i_wonder_if_deaf_schizophrenic_people_hear_voices/
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How does Jesus stay in shape?

He does crossfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ji2pi/how_does_jesus_stay_in_shape/
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What do spies say in bed?

Shh I'm undercovers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ji1ui/what_do_spies_say_in_bed/
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A panda walks into a bar

He tells the bartender, "I'll have a scotch and....................................................a coke, thank you."
"Sure thing," replied the bartender, "but why the big pause?"
"I was born with them," says the panda raising his paws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ji1uf/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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Anniversary deal

The night before our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.
I was up first the next morning so I slowly pulled back the covers and stuck my cock in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ji0ex/anniversary_deal/
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What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ji05s/what_kind_of_exercise_do_lazy_people_do/
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What do you call an alcoholic eating grapes?

Impatient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhzrq/what_do_you_call_an_alcoholic_eating_grapes/
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A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff.

Ba-dum-tss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhz2i/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fell_off_a_cliff/
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What do you call hot women in France?

Tourists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhyfr/what_do_you_call_hot_women_in_france/
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How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries.     =     You really messed up this time.
Take care.     =     This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Cheers!     =     I have no respect for you or myself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhvnn/how_to_translate_work_emails/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhu44/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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Hillary Clinton doesn't suck!

Just ask Bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhtst/hillary_clinton_doesnt_suck/
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From my nine year old...

He walked up to me tore a piece of paper and walked away, I look at the paper it says "my puns" I ask what that was about, he says " I know... My puns are tear-able"... Thats my boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhtrd/from_my_nine_year_old/
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How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?

Pretty good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhsbe/how_did_the_redneck_find_his_sister_in_the_woods/
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The lesbians next door asked me what I wanted for my birthday...

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them but I think they misunderstood me when I said:
"I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhrox/the_lesbians_next_door_asked_me_what_i_wanted_for/
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My wife told me "My gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks"

I said "And what did your proctologist say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhr54/my_wife_told_me_my_gynecologist_says_i_cant_have/
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How do you start a rave in Africa?

Glue toast to the ceiling.
(Apologies if repost, I found it funny and wanted to share it with you guys. Have a great day! :D )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhr3w/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_africa/
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My girlfriend told me stop singing wonderwall.

I said maaaaybe....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhpdu/my_girlfriend_told_me_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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A lizard was walking through the jungle...

...and he comes across a monkey sitting in a tree, smoking a joint. The lizard, being curious, asks the monkey what he was smoking. The monkey replies that he's smoking weed and the Lizard asks if he could try some as he's never had it before. The monkey allows it. After a few tokes, the Lizard becomes really thirsty with cotton mouth and asks for some water. The monkey directs him to a small lake, down the path and take a right by a bush that looks like Shirley Bassey.
The lizard makes his way and sees the lake and starts gulping water like he's borderline death.
A crocodile pops up and is curious why the Lizard is so thirsty. He explains that he tried cannabis for the first time and got thirsty. The Croc asks where he got it from and the Lizard directs him to the monkey. *"take this path and turn left by the bush that looks like Shirley Bassey and you'll see him in a tree"*. The Croc follows the path, takes a left and comes across the monkey. After asking if he could try some of his weed, the monkey, upon seeing this giant croc asks *"Jesus Christ! How much water did you drink??"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhnfs/a_lizard_was_walking_through_the_jungle/
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I was going to make a joke about amplifiers

but I got too much negative feedback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhn37/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_amplifiers/
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I like my beer the way I like my violence.

Domestic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhig7/i_like_my_beer_the_way_i_like_my_violence/
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What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

Squirrels; they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhhfk/what_animal_do_psychiatrists_bring_in_to_mental/
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I like my wine how I like my women

15 years old and locked in a basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhgwh/i_like_my_wine_how_i_like_my_women/
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Trump asks what a tragedy is...

During one of his campaign trips, Donald Trump visits an elementary school and enters one of the classrooms. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word “Tragedy.” So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted businessman. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr. Trump searches the room.
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room, a boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaims Mr. Trump, “That’s absolutely right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhg1t/trump_asks_what_a_tragedy_is/
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How many suh dudes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already lit hahaha asuhhhh dude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhfky/how_many_suh_dudes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court

The judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhdp3/mickey_mouse_and_minnie_mouse_were_in_divorce/
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What did the milk say after it got beat?

...It's butter this way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhccc/what_did_the_milk_say_after_it_got_beat/
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How do you know if an introvert likes you when you're talking to them?

They'll stare at your shoes instead of theirs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jhbae/how_do_you_know_if_an_introvert_likes_you_when/
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Drunk Giraffe

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again.
They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load until suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door.
The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door, "You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!"
The man replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jh8ch/drunk_giraffe/
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A friend asks his friend to tell him a joke.

Friend A - Hey dude, tell me a joke.
Friend B - Pussy.
Friend A - I don't get it?
Friend B - I know you don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jh66j/a_friend_asks_his_friend_to_tell_him_a_joke/
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What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree?

a porcupine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jh2fd/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_pig_and_a/
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Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around.

Now I feel depressed and miserable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jh1hc/last_year_i_felt_miserable_and_depressed_but_this/
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I added Paul walker on Xbox

He spends all his time on the dashboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jh0jd/i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox/
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A Group of Nuns

A group of nuns suddenly die and find themselves standing in front of St. Peter in Heaven. St. Peter says to the first nun, "I will let you in but tell me, have you ever touched a penis in your life?" The nun says, "Well there was this one time I touched one with my pinky finger but that was only once." St. Peter says, "Fine, dip your pinky in the holy water and you can go through. To the second nun, he asks the same question, to which she responds, "Yes there was this one time I felt one with my hand but that was only once." St. Peter replies, "That's fine, wash your hand in the holy water and you can go through." There is then a shuffling in the back of the line as one of the nuns tries to cut in front of the others. Noticing this, St. Peter stops the nun and says, "There is no rush, this is heaven. Why are you trying to get ahead?" To St. Peter, she says, "Yes I know, but I want to be able to gargle the water before Sister Agnus puts her ass in it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jh0f8/a_group_of_nuns/
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has its claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jh011/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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Ohh Jhonny!!!!!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.  "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.  "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question.  "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"  And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.  This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jgw2p/ohh_jhonny/
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A woman is preparing dinner for her 50th anniversary...

Everything is perfect. The placement of the cutlery, the food, everything. Her husband told her that he'd be home by 5:30. However, it turns 5:30, and he's not home. She assumes it's traffic, so gives him another 20 minutes. 6:00, and still nothing- not even a phone call. 7:00. The food has gone cold and some is starting to attract flies. It rains, and she hates herself for having the meal outside. It's now 8:00, and she decides to call her husband up.
"Ok, where the fuck are you?!"
"Honey, please, calm down"
"No! Where are you?"
"Well, do you remember the other day we were in town, and you saw that ring you really liked?"
Her voice starts to calm now "Yes dearie?"
"Well I'm in the pub opposite."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jgq9u/a_woman_is_preparing_dinner_for_her_50th/
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The dog & the leopard

A man decided to go on a safari. He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep stuff now." Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Hop on my back, monkey, and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine. "Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Oh boy, it looks like I've really had it now."
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn't seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says...  "Where  is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he's still not back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jgiyk/the_dog_the_leopard/
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Dear Redditors. Sad news today. The guy who invented beastiallity drowned yesterday.

He sleeps with the fishes now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jgd9d/dear_redditors_sad_news_today_the_guy_who/
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Old man dies

In his funeral, the priest starts to speak and pays homage to the deceased: "He was a loving man, a devout Christian, a good husband, he raised two wonderful sons..."
The widow turns to her son and tells him discretly: "Go up there take a look at the coffin and make sure it's your dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jg9sl/old_man_dies/
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What was Hitler's favorite letter?

Not z!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jg8ie/what_was_hitlers_favorite_letter/
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Clever kid.

A couple wants some private time, but their flat is small and they can't guarantee that their young son won't be able to hear them. In the end they come up with a plan- every time they want to make love they tell their son to stand out on the balcony and describe everything he sees (this way they get warning when he's about to come back in). So one evening the kid stands on the balcony and says "It's dark and the stars are out. I can see orion! A lot of the flats have their lights on. There's a man walking his dog, the Johnsons are having sex..."
The couple leap out of bed "what?! How can you tell that the Johnsons are having sex?"
"I can see little Timmy Johnson standing out on their balcony."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jg5cg/clever_kid/
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What do you call nuts on the wall?

Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin?
A dick in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jg4hp/what_do_you_call_nuts_on_the_wall/
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What will they play at the presidential inauguration if Republicans win?

Trump-ets
I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jfyvy/what_will_they_play_at_the_presidential/
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whats the difference between Congress and a condom?

You can only fit one dick in a condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jftrk/whats_the_difference_between_congress_and_a_condom/
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How many Redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1000 One to change it and 999 to walk into the same room and change the same light bulb without checking to see if it needed changing first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jftms/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb_

You can't know man, you weren't fucking there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jftbg/how_many_vietnam_vets_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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My girlfriend invites me to her home, and she wasn't there, but her sister, who leaned in and said:

''We should have sex right here, when my sister isn't here.'', I got up, and ran to my car, when my girlfriend stood there with a smile. ''I knew I could trust you!'' she said when she hugged me and kissed me passionate.
Moral of the story: Always keep condoms in the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jfrt7/my_girlfriend_invites_me_to_her_home_and_she/
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If con is the opposite of pro

it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jfpy4/if_con_is_the_opposite_of_pro/
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Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

There's no dental records and all the DNA matches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jfo1n/why_are_redneck_murders_so_hard_to_solve/
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A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning.

Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Daisy; written on it?" his wife demanded.
"Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on," explained the husband.
The wife was satisfied, and apologized for bonking him.
Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when, once again, he is bonked on the head with the frying pan.
"What's that for this time?" he asked as he felt the bump rising on his head.
"Your horse called," said his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jfnpq/a_man_sat_quietly_reading_his_morning_paper_one/
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What's Hitler's favorite video game?

Mein Kraft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jfn0o/whats_hitlers_favorite_video_game/
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well", she replied, "Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer." she said, "This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jfmp7/a_lawyer_married_a_woman_who_had_previously/
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Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road..?

**Because he got stuck in the crack.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jflv3/why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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How does a Mexican keep warm ?

They use chicken for heaters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jflag/how_does_a_mexican_keep_warm/
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What do you call a drunk Muslim?

Muhammered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jfhyp/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_muslim/
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What did the perverted frog say?

Rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jfeu8/what_did_the_perverted_frog_say/
%
Whats the difference between Iron Man and iron woman?

One is a superhero the other is a simple instruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jfe5r/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
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Comeback Joke

* nerds phone rings in class *
Cool Guy - awww, was that your mommy?
* whole class laughs *
Nerd Guy - nope, it was yours.
* whole class is silent *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jfbgr/comeback_joke/
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What do you call a Jewish person who is suicidal?

A Yamikaze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jfa48/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_person_who_is_suicidal/
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What do you call an erection you get at a funeral?

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jf9xn/what_do_you_call_an_erection_you_get_at_a_funeral/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, because he is not a full essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jf64j/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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Guy exposes himself with a boner and is arrested. How did he get off?

It wouldn't stand up in court

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jf2ba/guy_exposes_himself_with_a_boner_and_is_arrested/
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Two men are hunting in the woods...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jf1do/two_men_are_hunting_in_the_woods/
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How do you find a blind man at a nude beach.

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jezqz/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
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A guy wanted to celebrate and throw a party

So he went to a bakery to get a cake for his party. But when he got there, there was a huge line. He finally got through and went to a pizza place to get a couple pizzas for his party. But there was a huge line there too. He finally got through and he gets home and starts to set up the party. The party is going great and he's having a great time. He then gets thirsty and goes to the punch bowl. And when he gets there, there was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jevf3/a_guy_wanted_to_celebrate_and_throw_a_party/
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Is there any upside to living in Switzerland??

The flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jet6l/is_there_any_upside_to_living_in_switzerland/
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I am a 60 year old stuck in an 8 year old body . I want to break free .

I should've used more lube.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jerp0/i_am_a_60_year_old_stuck_in_an_8_year_old_body_i/
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The Hunting Story

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said,
"See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well," he began,
"I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!......'
Well... I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said,
"I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said,
"No, no, not then, just now when I said
'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jerff/the_hunting_story/
%
A man is at the doctor's office for a checkup...

The doctor says to the man "Sir, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Give it to me straight, Doc," the man says.
The doctor tells him "alright, you have cancer."
The man is crushed, naturally, when the doctor says "there's something else, too."
The man goes "well get on with it, Doc, what else is there?"
The doctor says to the man "Sir, I'm afraid you also have Alzheimer's."
The man looks up at the doctor and says "oh, well that's not so bad. At least I don't have cancer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jeq4l/a_man_is_at_the_doctors_office_for_a_checkup/
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What's the difference is between a lobster with breast implants and a filthy bus depot?

One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus-station!
*edited because I screwed up my original punchline...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jepu5/whats_the_difference_is_between_a_lobster_with/
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A joke that is mildly racist

How.come there were only 1800 Mexicans at the Alamo?
Because they only had two pickup trucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jemkc/a_joke_that_is_mildly_racist/
%
A farmer forces three men to pick a fruit...

Three men are driving and get lost.  They are running low on gas and its dark, so they decide to pull over and sleep in a barn until morning.  In the morning, the farmer who owns the barn wakes the three men up at gun point angry about freeloaders.
The farmer tells the three men, "I will let you live if you can complete a challenge.  Each of you must go down into the valley below and pick ten of one kind of fruit, and come back here for part two."
So the three men set off, and the first man comes back with ten apples.  The farmer says "if you can fit all ten apples up your ass, and without laughing, then I will let you live. If not, I shoot you on the spot."  The first man gets halfway through the second apple, can no longer continue, and is killed.  The second man comes back with ten cherries and is told the same instructions by the farmer.  The second man is about to attempt the final cherry, laughs, and the farmer kills him.
In heaven, the first two men run into each other and the first man says "What happened? You were so close to living why did you laugh?"  The second man replied "I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jem2l/a_farmer_forces_three_men_to_pick_a_fruit/
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I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jelh0/i_only_believe_in_125_of_everything_the_bible_says/
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Ever hear the joke about the insecure comedian?

...it's okay, you probably wouldn't have liked it, anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jel9y/ever_hear_the_joke_about_the_insecure_comedian/
%
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jekgv/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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I'm calling my dick "Infinite Warfare"

because no one wants it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jejhy/im_calling_my_dick_infinite_warfare/
%
Once setting a new password

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jehtw/once_setting_a_new_password/
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Met a transexual lesbian at the bar

He was a pretty normal guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jea0t/met_a_transexual_lesbian_at_the_bar/
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Someone asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently "in HD" isn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4je7zu/someone_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian_relationships/
%
A guy says to a girl, "Wanna hear a joke about my dick?"

A guy says to a girl, "Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Nevermind it is too long." Then she says to him, "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Nevermind, you won't get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4je6mz/a_guy_says_to_a_girl_wanna_hear_a_joke_about_my/
%
Don't be racist

Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4je2si/dont_be_racist/
%
How do you kill vegetarian vampires?

With a steak to the heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4je1w5/how_do_you_kill_vegetarian_vampires/
%
Damn, he's a helluva a driver!

A man stumbles into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. As he downs the shot, he shouts "damn, he's a helluva a driver!"
The man orders another shot, and once again exclaims "he's a helluva a driver!"
As the man orders his third shot, the bartender asks who this driver is, and why the man keeps shouting.
"Well you see, Bobby and I robbed a store the town over. The cops were chasing us and I told Bobby 'I'll suck your dick if you get us out of here!' and god damn, he's a helluva driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4je1t9/damn_hes_a_helluva_a_driver/
%
Hey you hear about that gay midget?

Yeah, he came out of the cupbard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4je1ja/hey_you_hear_about_that_gay_midget/
%
What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4je0zg/what_do_a_woman_and_a_bar_have_in_common/
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A boy loses his cellphone

A boy loses his precious cellphone and asks his dad if he had seen it anywhere. His dad asks the boy
"Why don't you call it?"
"I left it on silent"
"Well you know what they say"
"What?"
"If you like it then you should've put a ring on it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdy9k/a_boy_loses_his_cellphone/
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A friend is like a car

I dont have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdxz8/a_friend_is_like_a_car/
%
2 turtles walk in a desert

They both have walked for 1 year now and are very thirsty. One day they find a glass bottle of water laying around. Since they dont have thumbs they cant open it. So the first turtle says to the 2nd :" Go and search for a bottle opener so we can drink". And so the 2nd turtle wanders off. The first one waits for 1 day. Then 1 week. Then 1 year. Then 10 years! He lost all his patience and slams the bottle against the rock to drink wat little amount of water he is able to. Suddenly the 2nd turtle crawls from behind that rock and says:" I knew you only lured me away to drink it all by yourself you bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdxo7/2_turtles_walk_in_a_desert/
%
The one good thing about Hitler?

He killed Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdxcp/the_one_good_thing_about_hitler/
%
If you have Alzheimer's, look on the bright side…

…at least you can hide your own Easter Eggs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdx8a/if_you_have_alzheimers_look_on_the_bright_side/
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Aggressiveness is in the eye of the beholder.

Until he punches you in the face. Then aggressiveness is inbetween the eyes of the beholder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdx7a/aggressiveness_is_in_the_eye_of_the_beholder/
%
What does a cannibal do after dumping their girlfriend?

They wipe, flush, and wash their hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdx3o/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_dumping_their/
%
My wife accused me of fogging up our bathroom mirror

But I really can't see myself doing that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdwe5/my_wife_accused_me_of_fogging_up_our_bathroom/
%
How do you surprise Helen Keller?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdvwp/how_do_you_surprise_helen_keller/
%
The chicken and egg have sex

The chicken, enjoying a post coital cigarette, turns to the egg and says
"Well, that answered that old question"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdrkh/the_chicken_and_egg_have_sex/
%
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?

Because the cow has the udder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdrbw/why_does_a_milking_stool_only_have_3_legs/
%
What do you call a slutty toaster?

A crumb dumpster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdptz/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_toaster/
%
Johnny is playing with his train set...

while his mother is in the kitchen washing dishes.  Suddenly she hears him saying to the imaginary passengers " if any of you fuckers want to eat, the fucking dining car is open".
Shocked, she runs at him and tells him he had better watch his mouth or she'll wash it out with soap.
He says fine, and returns to his trains.  "All passengers, the dining car is now open.  We apologize for the delay.  If you have any complaints, please direct them to the fucking cunt in the kitchen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdoj0/johnny_is_playing_with_his_train_set/
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a joke that isn't racist

a guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:
"hey do you know, tai quon do, ju jutsu, kung fu or any of that shit?"
offended the Asian man replies: "what you think that just because i'm asian i know martial arts?"
the man replies: "nah its because you're drinking my fucking burbon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdmd9/a_joke_that_isnt_racist/
%
Doc, I've got a problem. Every morning at 8 sharp I poop.

Doc: "How is that a problem?"
Me: "I wake up at 9."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdlvp/doc_ive_got_a_problem_every_morning_at_8_sharp_i/
%
Marriage is like fruit

Honeydew this, Honeydew that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdlpt/marriage_is_like_fruit/
%
You're in the middle of the ocean and you see Trump and Hillary drowning but you only have room in your boat to save one. Who do you save?

America. Keep right on going and don't stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdi0o/youre_in_the_middle_of_the_ocean_and_you_see/
%
Congratulations to Ukraine to winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

Can't wait for Russia to host it next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdhtl/congratulations_to_ukraine_to_winning_the/
%
It's my wife's birthday soon.

She said she wanted something with diamonds so I got her a deck of cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdhij/its_my_wifes_birthday_soon/
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I posed naked for a magazine today...

Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jddsz/i_posed_naked_for_a_magazine_today/
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What word starts with M and ends in arraige and is a man's favourite thing?

Miscarriage.
This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jddgk/what_word_starts_with_m_and_ends_in_arraige_and/
%
Mom and daughter are at the zoo

A mom and her daughter are at the zoo one afternoon when they happen upon the monkey exhibit. They see two monkeys having sex and the little girl asks her mom what's going on and get mom replies that they're making cake.
The next morning the girl comes down the stairs and into the kitchen where her mom is making breakfast. The girl asks "mom, did you and dad make a cake last night?" The moon gets baffled and asks why.
"Because I just licked the icing off of the couch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jddg3/mom_and_daughter_are_at_the_zoo/
%
Eh?

This was originally a tech support tale but I thought it was funny enough to turn into a joke.
>Speaking to a Canadian: "Hit Ctrl+A."
>Canadian: "Okay, I hit Ctrl, eh? And nothing happened, eh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdbad/eh/
%
Little Johnny was in class..

And the teacher was calling on the students, asking them to use certain words in a sentence. She worked her way around the class before finally calling on Johnny.
"Johnny, I want you to use the word Contagious in a sentence."
Johnny thought about it for a second and replied "Contagious. I was in the car with my dad once and we saw a truck full of oranges on its side. Oranges were everywhere. My dad said that it's gonna take that cunt ages to pick them up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jdauq/little_johnny_was_in_class/
%
A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom...

The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing"
The brother nods in agreement.
"When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old.
The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast.
"I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!"
The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair.
The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jd895/a_7_yr_old_and_a_4_yr_old_are_in_their_bedroom/
%
A man goes to his doctor.

"Doc, I think I'm oversexed."
"Well, how often do you and your wife have sex?"
"About three times a week."
"You're not oversexed. That's perfectly normal."
"Well, I'm seeing my secretary, too."
"Oh, so how often do you have sex with her?"
"About three times a week."
"Wow, that's impressive, but I still don't think you're oversexed."
"Uh, Doc, I'm also doing my next door neighbor."
"I see. And how often..."
"About three times a week."
"I have to admit that's a lot, but I still don't think..."
"Doc, you see, um, I also have a dog."
"This is getting bizarre. You have sex with your dog?"
"About three times a week."
"Good God, man, you've got to get a hold of yourself!"
"I already do, Doc, about three times a week!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jd7fy/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor/
%
How is sex like air?

It's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jd76c/how_is_sex_like_air/
%
They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer

So I pushed Steve off a cliff, just in case it was him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jd750/they_say_one_friend_out_of_every_group_has_the/
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A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff...

Ba-dum-tss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jd62f/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
Nice Girls are found in every corner of the world...

...unfortunately, the world is round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jd5vw/nice_girls_are_found_in_every_corner_of_the_world/
%
Two guys stole a calendar

They both got six months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jd5km/two_guys_stole_a_calendar/
%
3 Guys go to heaven

3 guys die and end up at the gates of heaven. God appears before them and says "Congratulations you have made it to heaven however I have one test for you. If you can cross this flock of sheep, without touching any of them, I will reward you by letting you fuck a really hot girl. If you do end up touching one, your punishment will be you have to fuck a really ugly girl". The first guy goes and touches a sheep in the very beginning and has to fuck a really ugly girl. The second guy goes, almost makes it to the end but accidentally touches a sheep and has to fuck a really ugly girl. The third guy goes as patiently as can be and makes it all the way to the end. God says "Congratulations, you made it and as promised you get to fuck a really hot girl." As he is banging the really hot girl he asks "So why are you here" to which she responds "The devil said if I get burned by the flames I would have to fuck a really ugly guy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jd2tv/3_guys_go_to_heaven/
%
What did Stalin say to all the thousands of people he killed?

Crimea river

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jd1bs/what_did_stalin_say_to_all_the_thousands_of/
%
Psychic convention canceled

due to unforeseen circumstances

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcxe0/psychic_convention_canceled/
%
What's the best part of having Alzheimer's?

You get to meet new people everyday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcx5n/whats_the_best_part_of_having_alzheimers/
%
How do electricians meditate?

Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcwf9/how_do_electricians_meditate/
%
Two good friends' wives have the same birthday.

One of the friends is a rich man, the other is poor. One year they get together on their wives' birthday and the poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife. The rich man says
"i got her a mercedes and a diamond ring. If she doesnt like the ring, she can drive to the jewlers in the mercedes benz and exchange it for another. What did you get your wife?"
The poor man answers: "i got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man says thats a very strange combination of gifts, and asks why he chose it. The poor man answers:
"Because If she doesnt like the pair of slippers, she can go fuck herself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcvkd/two_good_friends_wives_have_the_same_birthday/
%
In marriage there are 3 types of rings

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcsov/in_marriage_there_are_3_types_of_rings/
%
A Japanese man on holiday in the USA

Goes into a bank and asks the teller/cashier to change 1000 yen into dollars. The teller/cashier gives him 90 dollars.
Next day the Japanese man returns to the same bank goes to the same teller/cashier and asks to change 1000 yen into dollars.
This time he receives 85 dollars.
What's this says the Japanese man, yesterday I get 90$  today 85$.
Fluctuations replies the teller/cashier.
Well, fluck you amelicans too, exclaims the Japanese man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcsmm/a_japanese_man_on_holiday_in_the_usa/
%
What do you call a happy cow?

Laughing stock.
What do you call a grumpy cow?
A Feminist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcrfw/what_do_you_call_a_happy_cow/
%
What did the sea monster have for dinner?

Fish and ships.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcr78/what_did_the_sea_monster_have_for_dinner/
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One day a kid...

One day a kid was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over. He overheard his parents fighting with each other yelling "YOU BITCH" "YOU BASTARD".
Being so young, the kid had never heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant. They replied by saying "Bitch means lady and bastard means gentlemen". Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room.
Then he heard the neighbors having sex. They were repeating the words "DICK and "CUNT" over and over and over. Again, the boy was curious and asked his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his mother said "Dick means coat and cunt means jackets."
Once again the boy was satisfied with the answer and headed to the bathroom, but his father was shaving and the boy had to wait. Fearing that the boy might wet himself, the father shaved faster. He went a little to quick and ended up cutting himself, "SHIT!!!!!" he yelled. "What's shit mean daddy," the boy asked . The father, stuck for an answer said, "it means shaving cream."
The boy did his "business" and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen, there he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for a knife she ended up cutting herself. "AW FUCK!!", she yelled. "What's fuck mean mommy", the boy asked. "It means stuffing the turkey."
Finally, the guest arrived, the boy went to the door and said, "Hello bitches and bastards, may I take your dicks and cunts? Dad's in the bathroom putting shit on his face and Mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcq2x/one_day_a_kid/
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Why didn't the Orange want to be eaten?

Because he wasn't feeling appealing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcp61/why_didnt_the_orange_want_to_be_eaten/
%
Was at the zoo and witnessed a monkey going to the bathroom.

That shit was bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jco85/was_at_the_zoo_and_witnessed_a_monkey_going_to/
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I identify as an employee wherever I go.

Now I can use any bathroom I need to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcmeu/i_identify_as_an_employee_wherever_i_go/
%
What is Donald Trump's favorite type of cheese?

White American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jclq3/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_type_of_cheese/
%
While in bed, my girlfriend said, "OMG it's so large!"

Problem is, I'm a serious arachnophobe, and it was right next to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcgvg/while_in_bed_my_girlfriend_said_omg_its_so_large/
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My class has a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory

All the other kids are excited, but I am just praying that there's no pop quiz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcg2h/my_class_has_a_field_trip_to_the_cocacola_factory/
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What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

A Pokemon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcez6/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_proctologist/
%
A black guy gets a flat

So he pulls over on the side of the road. He takes the jack out of the trunk and lifts the car up with it. Halfway through removing the wheel, another guys runs up with a screwdriver and starts removing the radio in a hurry. The black guy asks him "What the fuck are you doing?", to which the other replies "Well if you're stealing the wheels, I might as well take the radio!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jcemo/a_black_guy_gets_a_flat/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jca68/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_station/
%
What's 8 feet tall, covered in fur, and walks around the Himalayas undermining your arguments by attacking your character?

The Adhomineminal Snowman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jca5e/whats_8_feet_tall_covered_in_fur_and_walks_around/
%
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jc70u/there_was_an_elderly_man_who_wanted_to_make_his/
%
My friend is convinced he has the biggest balls in the world

He's so egotestical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jc6nx/my_friend_is_convinced_he_has_the_biggest_balls/
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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging

about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jc3vx/three_boys_are_in_the_schoolyard_bragging/
%
A boy is at school

and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and
their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother.
"Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest
dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a
pussy."
The son then asks "What's a bitch?"
The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says,
"Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching
television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a
pussy?"
The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out
his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a
circle around
the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy."
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about
asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jc2vr/a_boy_is_at_school/
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I've opened a bakery recently

and a lady phoned me up, wanting a cake with 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY I SUCK COCKS' written on it.
I thought it was weird but made it anyway.
Mrs Cox was absolutely furious when I delivered it.
So was her son, Isaac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jc28c/ive_opened_a_bakery_recently/
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Sprem vs Blood

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jc22m/sprem_vs_blood/
%
A large woman wearing a muumuu walks into an Irish pub.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jc1jz/a_large_woman_wearing_a_muumuu_walks_into_an/
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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes.
Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there.
After a while they came back out, giggling.
The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jc0re/a_statue_of_a_man_and_a_statue_of_a_woman_stood/
%
Why are black jews the worst off race?

They have to sit at the back of the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jc0q6/why_are_black_jews_the_worst_off_race/
%
Did you hear about the guy with the right side of his body removed?

What you see is what's left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbx2k/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_the_right_side_of/
%
How do we know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbuor/how_do_we_know_princess_diana_had_dandruff/
%
Jump School (NSFW)

I was talking to my marine friend about his training and he tells me this story about going to jump school, (learning to jump out of planes).
"So we climb in the plane with all out gear on and it takes off.  This is our first actual jump after a few simulations and dry runs.  Everyone is nervous.  Our instructor is this huge army ranger, must've been 6'9, really built and intimidating.  We are getting close to the drop zone so he moves to the door and yells,
'Five minutes!'  I'm getting super nervous and I lean forward and yell,
'I don't think I can do this!'  His head snaps toward me and he stomps over, grabs me by the collar and stands me up, his face gets real close to mine and he's looking me in the eyes,
'You're going to jump out of this plane or I'm going to jam my 10 inch cock all the way up your ass."
He pauses here and I'm waiting for the story to finish so I ask,
"Well, did you jump?"  My friend looks at me and says,
"Yea....But only for the first inch or so..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbubh/jump_school_nsfw/
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You're like school in the summer...

No class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbr8j/youre_like_school_in_the_summer/
%
Daddy

Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy.
Dad: Fuck you, say daddy!
Baby: Fuck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: Fuck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbqqq/daddy/
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Whats the worst thing about the new Assassin's Creed movie?

You have to sign in to U-play to watch it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbp5w/whats_the_worst_thing_about_the_new_assassins/
%
A man wins the lottery...

A man wins the lottery, jumps in to his car and goes home in a hurry, screeching in to his driveway. He leaps out and runs in to his house and yells to his wife upstairs "I've won the lottery! I've won the lottery! Quick, pack up your suitcase, I've won the lottery!" His wife is yells down "Woohoo! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" The husband replies "I don't care, just get out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbosn/a_man_wins_the_lottery/
%
I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady

She kept yelling, "I'm peeing in here!"
What a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbnxw/i_tried_being_polite_by_holding_the_door_open_for/
%
On the Bus

Little Johnny says, "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy.
"But Mommy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbnkq/on_the_bus/
%
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion

He was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jblqm/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to a doctor for his extremely raspy and sore voice. He explains that he has had this problem since he was a teenager. The doctor gives him an examination to discover that he has an 18 inch penis. The doctor tells him that his penis is so large is pulling all of his guts down when it hangs, including his vocal cords. He explains to the man that surgery can be performed to reduce the size of his penis by 10 inches still leaving him with a rather large member. The man decides to go through with the operation and his voice is healed! 6 months later he goes to the doctor for a check up and asks the doctor if the 10 inch segment of his penis is still around because he would like to keep it above his fireplace as a conversational piece. The doctor says in a very raspy and sore voice "no we throw out all body parts immediatly after surgery"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbl1z/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What did the people call the bad hot dog stand?

The WURST!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbgw3/what_did_the_people_call_the_bad_hot_dog_stand/
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What is the collective noun for a group of depressives?

A melancolony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbczc/what_is_the_collective_noun_for_a_group_of/
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A black guy and a white girl are at a party

. After a while they go together to a room, and she asks excited: "Show me if what they say about black men is true". He grabs her purse and runs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbbcc/a_black_guy_and_a_white_girl_are_at_a_party/
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What do they call Miley Cyrus in France?

Kilometrey Cyrus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbaww/what_do_they_call_miley_cyrus_in_france/
%
Why did Tiger Woods bring three socks instead of two?

In case he got a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jba03/why_did_tiger_woods_bring_three_socks_instead_of/
%
Sex is like a good joke

I dont get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jb94v/sex_is_like_a_good_joke/
%
Coffee...

If you're British, it may not be your cup of tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jb92z/coffee/
%
Night out at the casino

So this one night I go out to the casino, I feel it's gonna be my lucky day today. I get to the ATM, take up all my motherfucking money (I'm poor so it's like 1000 Euro's). And I proceed to pimp-walk into the casino. I go hard, I'm up like 10K at one point, but even though I got swagger like Mick Jagger I go nearly broke before the end of the night. With only 20 Euro's left I leave the casino this night and walk straight for the cabs, but there's only one cab around. I ask the fella what I need to pay to get to my home and he tells me it's 30 Euro's. I beg the man to please bring me home and tell him of my misfortune that night. He tells me to go suck a dick and closes the door. I walked home.
A few weeks later I get some more money in the bank and like a real P-I-M-P I proceed to give all my sweet money to the casino, hoping I will make a killing this time. Well you cynical fucks, I actually do win like a champ this evening and I walk out that evening with about 20.000 Euro's. All happy and cheerfull about not having to walk home and being able to call an escort that evening I go to the cab spot. Now I'm out of the casino a lot earlier than last time and luckily there's plenty of cabs around.
The thing is, this one driver, who told me to go suck a dick is standing at the front of the row. Being on top of the world made me come up with a plan to get even with that guy real fast. I go into the last cab and ask how much it is to get to my house, the driver tells me it's 30 Euro's. I tell him I'll pay him €100 bonus if he's up for it and unzip my pants. The dude goes nuts and throws me out of the cab. Luckily for me all the other cab drivers also were not thristy for some man to man action. Arriving at my cab buddy from a couple of week ago I get in and ask him how much to get me home. He tells me €30, I tell him I had a great night at the casino and show him the money. I tell him I want to make people happy today and I'll give him €200 if he waves at all his colleagues when we drive away, but it has to be really cheerfull. The dude looks at me like I'm an idiot, but accepts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jb7kx/night_out_at_the_casino/
%
What's the difference between two dicks and a joke?

I can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jb6t7/whats_the_difference_between_two_dicks_and_a_joke/
%
There was a man who had three girlfriends

, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jb206/there_was_a_man_who_had_three_girlfriends/
%
Still single

I was in a restaurant the other day and saw the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. After starters and my first beer I convinced myself that I had to talk to her.
So there I was talking to her. We actually had the rest of diner together and after dessert I already knew that I had to marry this woman.
So I told her: "this might sound as an odd request, but I already know that I want to marry you, so will you marry me?"
The beautiful young lady got sparkles in her eyes and said to me: "yes I want to marry you, but only if you meet the following conditions:
- you need to earn $100.000+ a year so I know that I will have everything I need
- you must have a villa with enough ground for me to ride my horse
- your penis has to be 10"
I was a little surprised by her answer and told her that the first two wouldn't pose any problem, but I won't cut off 2" of my penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jb0er/still_single/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jayxk/knock_knock/
%
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?
Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... Im happy with my TV as my boyfriend.
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas minister. The minister said, Hello son, is your Grandma home?
The little boy replied, Yeah, shes in the bedroom bangin her boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jawfp/a_5yearold_boy_went_to_visit_his_grandmother_one/
%
What's thr difference between the chinese and racism?

Racism has many faces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jaw11/whats_thr_difference_between_the_chinese_and/
%
A woman gets off a bus with one boob out of her blouse...

She's updating her Facebook status simultaneously.
After a while a man asks the obvious question pointing at the glaring tit "Ma'am is this some form of treatment for breast cancer?"
The woman in sudden realization yells "Oh my God! my Baby".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4javvr/a_woman_gets_off_a_bus_with_one_boob_out_of_her/
%
Why do Pokémon have eyes?

So they can pikachu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jatnx/why_do_pokémon_have_eyes/
%
An amish girl and her mom are riding home in a horse drawn carriage

Daughter: "Mom, my hands are so cold."
Mother: "Stick your hands between your legs and your body heat will keep them warm."
So the daughter does this and she is amazed how warm her hands got. So the next night she is with her boyfriend running errands:
Boyfriend: "Wow, it is cold out, my hands are so cold."
Daughter: "Stick your hands between my legs and my body heat will keep them warm."
So the boyfriend does this, then later on in the night:
Boyfriend: "It is so cold, now my nose is really cold!"
Daughter: "Stick your nose between my legs and my body heat will keep it warm."
The next morning the daughter wakes up and goes to her mother:
Daughter: "Mother, what is a penis?"
Mother: "Why are you asking such a thing for? Should i be concerned?"
Daughter: "Oh, no worries, I was just wondering. My boyfriend said last night it was cold so i told him to stick it between my legs to make it warm and wow does it make one hell of a mess when it defrosts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4japst/an_amish_girl_and_her_mom_are_riding_home_in_a/
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A man was speeding down a country road...

...he drove across an old bridge and just after getting to the other side a cop pulls him over. The officer approaches his window and starts with the normal cop procedure, licence, registration, the usual. Sooner or later he says to the guy "what do you do for a living?" And the man says "I'm an asshole stretcher." The cop, obviously taken aback, asks "what's an asshole stretcher?" So the man explains: " well, I start of with one finger, and gently I start working it in... one knuckle... two knuckles... until the whole finger's in there. Then I start working in a second finger, and a third, until finally I got my hand on there. After that I can work my other hand in there. This is important because once I've got my other hand in there I can kind of grab the edges of the asshole and spread it until there's enough room to place my foot in there. So once my foot is in there I real carefully put my foot down and push the asshole upwards until I'm holding it above my head and in the end you've got yourself a 6 foot asshole." The cop scratches his head and says "what the fuck do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" And the guy says "You stick him at the end of a bridge with a radar gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4janu8/a_man_was_speeding_down_a_country_road/
%
An Irishman walks into a bar

in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jan22/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you get when you cross an atheist and a christian?

An argument

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jal5f/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_atheist_and_a/
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What did the chef say when he ruined the soup with too many herbs?

"Well, this was a waste of Thyme."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jaion/what_did_the_chef_say_when_he_ruined_the_soup/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of a negative 100...

She's a perfect 10! But she's also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jaemm/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_a/
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The masochist and a sadist.

What did the masochist say to the sadist?
*Hit me.*
What did the sadist say to the masochist?
*No.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jaaht/the_masochist_and_a_sadist/
%
A cop just knocked on my front door.

He told me my dog was chasing someone on a bike.
Told the cop it wasn't my dog,  he doesnt even own a bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jaa6e/a_cop_just_knocked_on_my_front_door/
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How native Americans get their names

A Native American boy ran up to the chief and asked how they got their names. The chief looks at the boy and said when your sister was born I saw a hawk fly over so we named her sky hawk. And when your brother was born a deer ran by so we called him running deer, why do you ask two dogs fucking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ja896/how_native_americans_get_their_names/
%
Why doesn't Santa have kids?

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ja64k/why_doesnt_santa_have_kids/
%
69

I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ja2zw/69/
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A BLONDE & HER THERMOS

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.
Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"
She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ja1nf/a_blonde_her_thermos/
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A man walks into a bank...

and yells "this is a fuck up!"
confused, the teller says "you mean a stick up?"
"Nope, it's a fuck up, I forgot my gun"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9yv3/a_man_walks_into_a_bank/
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RIP Boiled Water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9ur5/rip_boiled_water/
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Why is the ocean blue?

You would be to if you were waving at hot beaches all day and none of them waved back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9ujh/why_is_the_ocean_blue/
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A man goes to the doctor

He says, "Doc, I got a problem. I take a huge shit every morning at 8." The doctor asks, "How is that a problem?" The man says, "I don't wake up until 10:30."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9u6s/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Pat worked at a pickle factory.

Pat worked at a pickle factory, and Mike would always bet him that he wouldn't put his pecker into the pickle slicer. He would always decline and recuse to do it. One day, after ten years of hearing it every day, he finally took Mike up on his bet.
Later that day, Pat arrived home early and greeted his wife.
"Why are you home so early? What's wrong?"
"I put my pecker in the pickle slicer," Pat said.
Panicked, his wife ripped off his pants to inspect the damage.
"Nothing is wrong with your pecker, everything is there. What happened to the pickle slicer?"
Pat's response: "Oh, she got fired too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9r56/pat_worked_at_a_pickle_factory/
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Why doesn't ISIS Like School?

Because they always bombed their tests.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9qwv/why_doesnt_isis_like_school/
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Two guys wanna go out and get real hammered, but they only have $1

So, they go to a 7-11, buy a sausage and decide to have some fun. They go into the first bar and order a pint each. Just before they're done the pints and haven't paid yet (on a tab I guess), the one guy takes the sausage puts it between his legs, and the other guy bends down and begins to suck on it. Of course, the bartender thinks something else is going on, so he kicks them out, forgetting that they haven't paid yet.
These two young men end up doing this at around 15 more bars and are totally drunk. The one guy says "My back is soooo sore from bendin over so much."
The second guy then says "Well you think that's bad? I lost the sausage around 7 bars ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9os8/two_guys_wanna_go_out_and_get_real_hammered_but/
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A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small,

so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven year's he has been doing that.
One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a
pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit."
So the man said, "Shut the fuck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9nec/a_guy_who_married_this_woman_unfortunately_his/
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Banned From the Para-Olympics

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9mpp/banned_from_the_paraolympics/
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Why do black people love fried chicken?

Because it's fucking delicious, you racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9kg7/why_do_black_people_love_fried_chicken/
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What was the primary role of the aristocrats during the French revolution?

They put their head into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9ip1/what_was_the_primary_role_of_the_aristocrats/
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There were two guys playing golf, and a funeral passed

so one guy stopped, and waited for the funeral to pass before continuing with his game.
His companion complimented him on his respect for the funeral, to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9hv3/there_were_two_guys_playing_golf_and_a_funeral/
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What is the lifespan of an owl?

6 1/2 books.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9hrf/what_is_the_lifespan_of_an_owl/
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Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9eb1/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
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What do you call a sour black guy?

A vinegar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9dk4/what_do_you_call_a_sour_black_guy/
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What rhymes with orange

no it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9ck7/what_rhymes_with_orange/
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What does every woman have in her panties?

A career.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9cig/what_does_every_woman_have_in_her_panties/
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(long)A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,

"If I show you something amazing will you give me a free beer?" The bartender says "sure, if I'm truly amazed, your first round is on me." so the man sets his briefcase on the bar, opens it up and pulls out a tiny piano. Then the man reaches in and pulls out a tiny man, about a foot tall. The tiny man sits down at the piano and starts to play a beautiful song. "That's amazing!" says the bartender as he pours the man a beer. "where'd you find that little fella?" The man pulls out a magic lamp from his briefcase and says "I got him from this Genie, and I only have one wish left. If you let me drink for free tonight I'll give you the last wish." The bartender says "You have a deal!" and he rubs the lamp and out pops the old Genie. "what is your final wish?" the Genie croaks in an ancient voice. "I want a million bucks." the bartender says. "what?" croaks the Genie, cupping his hand to his ear. "I said I want a MILLION BUCKS!!!" the bartender shouts.
"ah...your wish is my command." Suddenly the whole bar is filled top to bottom with ducks, and they're quacking and shitting all over the place. The bartender shouts "Hey, what gives! I said a million bucks, not a million ducks!" and the man at the bar says "You really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9bse/longa_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
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My wife asked if I ever think about someone else during sex...

"Nope, just myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j99hx/my_wife_asked_if_i_ever_think_about_someone_else/
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What's the difference between a bad mechanic and a politician?

With the mechanic, there's a shot something might get fixed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j99hm/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_mechanic_and_a/
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When my girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo...

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j97is/when_my_girlfriend_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a/
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Wanna hear a joke about a broken pencil?

Never mind it's pointless. 😶

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j95nx/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_a_broken_pencil/
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Have you ever tried to eat your own watch?

Well it's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j93os/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_your_own_watch/
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In money trouble, the couple finally agrees she will prostitute for a while. She is out all night the first night and has only $20.25 in the morning.

When hubby asks who only gave her 25 cents, she replied - All of them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8zlu/in_money_trouble_the_couple_finally_agrees_she/
%
An American man is visiting the Irish countryside...

...and he comes across a farmer riding his horse across a field. The man asks the farmer, "Just how much land do you own here?"
The farmer says, "I can ride my horse North for an entire day and never reach the end of my property. I can then turn East and ride for yet another day and still never reach the end of the property."
The man replies, "Oh, I had a horse like that too. I had to shoot it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8z9y/an_american_man_is_visiting_the_irish_countryside/
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Three men and a Wizard are on a plane.

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane, and the engines start to fail.
The men begin to panic and the Wizard tells them, "If you jump out of the plane, and yell something, you'll turn into it." The men, a little sketched out, decide to try it.
The first man jumps out, and yells, "EAGLE!"
The man turned into an eagle.
The second man jumps out, and yells, "PIGEON!"
The man turned into a pigeon.
The third man gets a running start and trips out of the plane yelling "OH SHIT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8y0f/three_men_and_a_wizard_are_on_a_plane/
%
There's a special running course around the White House.

Every president does this before they leave office, and records their times in a special book dating back to the early 19th century. Obama recently completed it, knowing he had to get it done before January. He did 9:25 and was quite pleased with it. He wondered if he had set the record, but then he found out that Bush did 9:11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8xs4/theres_a_special_running_course_around_the_white/
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Why are black people unable to get a PhD

Because they can't get past their masters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8x91/why_are_black_people_unable_to_get_a_phd/
%
A man walks into a bar

Inside the bar was a donkey, the man asks the bartender "What's up with the donkey?" The bartender replies "If you can make my donkey laugh then you drink for free tonight." The man then walks over to the donkey and whispers into it's ear, the donkey then starts laughing, so the man got free drinks for the night.
The next night, the man returns to the bar and asks the bartender if the same promotion was still available. The bartender tells him yes but this time he has to make his donkey cry. So the man takes the donkey out back and in less than a minute they both return and the donkey is crying, so while the bartender serves the man his free drink he says "I gotta ask, how did you do it?" The man after taking a drink replies "Yesterday I told him that I have a bigger dick than him, today I proved it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8vvk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead and I'll give these two a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8v28/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
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What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8tii/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_a_rectal/
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How did one pothead greet the other?

High

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8t61/how_did_one_pothead_greet_the_other/
%
A man walks into a church...

And sees a nun so beautiful, he cant resist the opportunity to have sex with her.
So before the nuns get on their church bus, the man asks the bus driver what he can do. The bus driver replied "Dress as a priest and take her to a dark room. Tell her the lord told you to have sex with her."
The man says "Thank you sir, I will be back tomorrow when your bus arrives in the morning."
The church bus arrives and the man is waiting inside the church as he waits for his nun to arrive. He greets her and asks to talk to her in the choir room, but he shuts off the lights when he enters the room. "Father, why are the lights off?" The nun asks. "Nevermind that, the lord told me something important in my prayers yesterday. He told me we were suppose to have sex." "Ok. But only in the ass, I would still like to keep my purity." Said the nun.
And so they do it and when they are done the man turns on the light and takes off the rest of his clothes and says "Im the guy from mass yesterday"
The nun takes off her clothes and says "im the guy from the bus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8ssc/a_man_walks_into_a_church/
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Guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of the strongest whiskey...

He drinks it quickly and then looked in his wallet. He asks for a second shot and drinks it quickly again before looking into his wallet, again. He does this for about 5 times when the bartender said, "hey bud, easy with the shots, by the way, what are you looking at in you wallet, are you short on cash? I can open up a tab for you" The guy goes, "no, no, not at all, I have money, but thanks anyways." The bartender goes, "so why are you looking into your wallet after every drink?" The guy answers, "I was looking at a picture of my wife, I figure I can go home when she starts to look good."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8raq/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_shot_of_the/
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Graduation unlike before

2 Asian kids graduated from High School. The school had never witnessed this phenomena, but both of them were #1 in their class. Long story short the parents couldn't be happier....it was a Nguyen, Nguyen for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8o46/graduation_unlike_before/
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Holocaust jokes ARE NOT funny

Anne Frankly, they make me disgusted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8liu/holocaust_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
French pastries are scary

They give me the crepes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8kvv/french_pastries_are_scary/
%
I was carrying the groceries in and had to make a second trip.

My girlfriend said to me, "real men don't make second trips." I said "they do to your mum's house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8jpr/i_was_carrying_the_groceries_in_and_had_to_make_a/
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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king

who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8ivu/the_beautiful_secretary_of_the_president_of_a/
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A man was meeting a girlfriend somewhere...

And she said: "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" He replied: "Either way, we're having sex tonight"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8hpm/a_man_was_meeting_a_girlfriend_somewhere/
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What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8gux/what_is_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean/
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Trump is asked what his position on women's issues

Trump replies "Look, I know a lot of women and they all have issues"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8fvz/trump_is_asked_what_his_position_on_womens_issues/
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Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Because there is a target on every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8eeg/why_arent_there_any_walmarts_in_afghanistan/
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A man swims far out into the bay...

...Suddenly he feels a hand from the deep grabbing his balls, and a voice in his head says, "plus two or minus two?"
"Plus two!" - answers the man, not quite sure what is this about. The hand releases his balls and he swims back to the shore. Everything seems to be OK, but when the adrenaline wears off a bit, he realizes that he has 4 balls now.
"Hmm, I know how to fix this", the man thinks to himself and swims back out into the bay. Around the same spot the hand grabs him by the balls again. "Plus four or minus four?", says the voice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8dsg/a_man_swims_far_out_into_the_bay/
%
Yesterday, my dog was humping my leg

So stupid, had to show him where my butthole was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8d9i/yesterday_my_dog_was_humping_my_leg/
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Did you hear Bruce Willis tried to overdose on viagra?

He wanted to Die Hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j8awa/did_you_hear_bruce_willis_tried_to_overdose_on/
%
I remember when I stayed with my girlfriend and her parents for the first time, and her dad wouldnt let us sleep together

Which is a shame, because he's quite attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j892l/i_remember_when_i_stayed_with_my_girlfriend_and/
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What is 1000 laughs called?

A gigglehert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j88qq/what_is_1000_laughs_called/
%
Sex is like ping pong

A never ending push and pull until one partner loses the ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j87tx/sex_is_like_ping_pong/
%
Smart raisins

A boy finds rabbit poop on the ground and asks "what is it?"  A man response "Those are smart raisins. They make you smart.".  The boy tries a few and says "Hey! These taste like poop!"  To which the man replies "You're getting smarter already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j84m2/smart_raisins/
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[NSFW] A farmer walks into his house holding a duck.

His wife is sitting in the front room. He looks at her and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."
She says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."
The farmer says, "Shut up bitch, I wasn't talking to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j832r/nsfw_a_farmer_walks_into_his_house_holding_a_duck/
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I don't hold grudges...

my father did and I always hated him for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j82gz/i_dont_hold_grudges/
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What's the difference between a prostitute with irritable bowel syndrome and an epileptic oyster?

You have to shuck the oyster between fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j81ua/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_with/
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A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre...

so he gave it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j80op/a_girl_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
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Three men die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter welcomes them and says, "Before you go in, I just need to mark down for my records how much money you made, and what you did as your profession while you were on Earth."
The first guy says, "I made ten million dollars a year."  St. Peter says, "Wow, that's very impressive!  What did you do?"  The guy says, "I was the head of a big finance firm that processed tons of money."  St. Peter writes this down, and tells the first man he can go on in.
He turns to the second guy.  "And how much money did you make?"  The second guy says, "I made fifteen million dollars a year."  St. Peter says, "Wow, that is extremely impressive.  What did you do?"  The man says, "I was the CEO of a very successful technology company."  Again St. Peter writes this down, and tells the man he can go on in.
He looks at the third guy and says, "And how much money did you make?"  The man proudly says, "I made twelve thousand dollars a year!"  St. Peter says, "That's great!  What instrument did you play?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7zm8/three_men_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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They say you can't skip leg day

Ironically it is because of leg day that you can't skip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7z3m/they_say_you_cant_skip_leg_day/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7uc5/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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Talking Dog for Sale

A man was driving on the outskirts of town when he saw a sign that said "Talking Dog for Sale, Next Exit"
The man was really excited so he drove up to the house where a farmer was sitting on the porch.
"Is the talking dog here?" he asked the farmer.
"Yeah he's in the back" the farmer replied.
The man walked to the back and found a large bloodhound laying near a tree.
"Do you talk?!" The man asked.
"Yup" said the dog.
"Wow! No way! How long have you been able to talk?"
"For as long as I can remember. Once people found out the government took me in and made me a spy dog. I did a lot of spy work over seas."
"No freaking way!" The man was astounded.
"Yeah then my hurt my hip while I was in Europe, so I had to come home. Then I did some part time work at a law firm while I went to college at Georgetown. After that I worked for a while, and now I'm pretty much retired."
"Woah! You have a degree! This is so cool! I'll be right back"
The man couldn't contain his excitement. He ran to the farmer and opened up his checkbook.
"How much for the dog?" the man asked the farmer.
"Meh. 10 bucks."
"Wait, that's it? Only ten dollars? Why?"
"Because he's a fucking liar he didn't do any of that shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7opq/talking_dog_for_sale/
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What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?

One is a snack cracker and the other a crack snacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7omm/whats_the_difference_between_a_ritz_and_a_lesbian/
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My protractor wanted to know what my plans were for this weekend

Not sure what his angle is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7nwo/my_protractor_wanted_to_know_what_my_plans_were/
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First Night in Prison

A man settles into his cell on his first night of a long prison sentence.  The guard leaves and the lights turn off for the night. A few seconds later, someone yells, "18!", and everyone in the cell block starts laughing. A few minutes later, someone else yells, "34!", and again the entire cell block starts laughing.
The man, obviously confused, whispers to the convict in the cell next to him, "what is so funny about a number that is making everyone laugh so hard?" The other convict responds, "well, you see we've all been in here so long and told all of the same jokes so many times, that we've just numbered the jokes to save time."
The man decides he wants to try to fit in, so he yells out, "26!". Dead silence for minutes. Finally someone breaks the silence and yells "26!". Everyone starts laughing again.
The man whispers to the other convict, "why didn't anyone laugh when said 26?". The convict whispered back, "some people just can't tell a joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7nvm/first_night_in_prison/
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There are only two certain things in computer programming life...

death and syntax (end).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7lmy/there_are_only_two_certain_things_in_computer/
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What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen, right? But what if she is Asian.

Then it's Irene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7lj6/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_one_leg_eileen/
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Say what you want about pedophiles..

At least they drive slowly around playgrounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7lfj/say_what_you_want_about_pedophiles/
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A man get pulled over by the police...

...When the officer approaches his car, the man notices that the officer is a beautiful woman.
The officer tells the man, "Based on how fast you were going, I'm going to need you to step out of the car and place your hands behind your back."
The man does as he was told. The officer reads him his rights and finishes with, "Anything you say will be held against you."
Almost instantly, the man yells out "TITS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7l6s/a_man_get_pulled_over_by_the_police/
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What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea.

I wouldn't pay $300 to let a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7itx/whats_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a/
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So two guns are hanging out, "shootin' the shit"...

When one gun says to the other,
"Damn dude, those are some nice bullets, where'd you get them?"
the second gun says, "In some old magazine I found."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7hz9/so_two_guns_are_hanging_out_shootin_the_shit/
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What's the difference between racism and chinese people?

Racism has many faces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7how/whats_the_difference_between_racism_and_chinese/
%
[OC] Three little kittens are sliding slowly of a slanted metal roof. Which one hits the ground first?

The one with the littlest mew.
(This is a physics joke, by the way. I posted it to /r/physicsjokes shortly after I wrote it, but I thought I'd try here)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7gdo/oc_three_little_kittens_are_sliding_slowly_of_a/
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

You expect me to get hard so fast, I just got laid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j7c90/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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what's the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j77qh/whats_the_difference_between_oral_and_anal_sex/
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j77qc/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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The man who invented clickbait has died.

You'll never guess when his funeral is...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j77af/the_man_who_invented_clickbait_has_died/
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Why did the pedophile go to WalMart?

Children's clothes were half off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j73ow/why_did_the_pedophile_go_to_walmart/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of 2.

Irrational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j73gu/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_2/
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A boy askes his dad if he can have a beer. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a beer yet."

A few years later he sees his dad having a cigar, and he asks if he can have a cigar too. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy, again, says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar yet."
A few more years pass, and the son buys a lottery ticket, and wins big. His dad says "Hey son, how about sharing that money with your dad?" The son says "Gee, I don't know. is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?"
The dad says "Yes it is!"
"Then go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6up7/a_boy_askes_his_dad_if_he_can_have_a_beer_the_dad/
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I totally understand how batteries feel...

because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6u8i/i_totally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
%
What do steaks and pot brownies have in common?

If you eat either of them in India you'll get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6tvl/what_do_steaks_and_pot_brownies_have_in_common/
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What is similar between the life of an Ethiopian kid and the hype of Call Of Duty: Infinite Warfare?

They're practically non existent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6rd9/what_is_similar_between_the_life_of_an_ethiopian/
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting millions of illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6pwz/how_does_donald_trump_plan_on_deporting_millions/
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What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6p2f/what_do_you_call_a_religious_drug_addict/
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Translation of an old Yiddish Joke...

One day in Czarist Russia, a poor old man and his very young daughter were on their way to town. They put all of their possessions in the back of a donkey driven wagon in hopes of selling some of them to make money. As they were traveling, up the road they saw a small group of Cossaks. They braced themselves expecting the worst. Inevitably, the Cossaks ride up to the wagon and begin harassing the old man his daughter. Eventually, the Cossacks knock the old man and his daughter off the cart and ride off with the Donkey and Wagon.
The old man sits on the side of the road and begins sobbing...
Daughter asks, "Papa, papa, what's the matter?"
To which the old man responds,"Don't you see? They've taken everything we had!"
"Not everything...", The daughter responds, to which she takes out a small rolled up cloth, which she unrolls to reveal some jewelry and gems.
The old man's eyes widen, "How did you manage to hide that?"
She answered, "When I saw them further up the road, I took them, rolled them up in this cloth and hid them in my crotch."
To which the old man starts crying hysterically...
"Papa, what's wrong now?"
"Oh if only your sainted mother were still alive...we could have saved the whole wagon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6ov7/translation_of_an_old_yiddish_joke/
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
Next Sunday the new priest decided to take the monsignor's advice. At the beginning, he felt nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon returning to his office, he found a note on the door that said :
* Sip on the vodka, don't gulp
* There are 10 commandments, not 12
* There are 12 disciples, not 10
* Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
* Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
* We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
* The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook
* David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him
* When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say that he was stoned off his ass
* We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6jci/a_new_priest_at_his_first_mass_was_so_nervous_he/
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Helen Keller walks into a bar....

And a table.....then some chairs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6h69/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
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If you're cold, stand in the corner

It's usually 90 degrees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6gv3/if_youre_cold_stand_in_the_corner/
%
What do you call two guys above a window?

Kurt and Rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6gh5/what_do_you_call_two_guys_above_a_window/
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Do you remember Buckwheat from the little rascals? He recently converted to Islam.

And became Kareem of Wheat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6dqr/do_you_remember_buckwheat_from_the_little_rascals/
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Always remember you're someones reason to smile

Because youre a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6dct/always_remember_youre_someones_reason_to_smile/
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I like my coffee the same way I like my slaves....

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6b5b/i_like_my_coffee_the_same_way_i_like_my_slaves/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks for a beer. The bartender stops him, and says "Well, before you order, let me tell you about our special."
He directs the man's attention down to the end of the bar, where there are two huge chunks of meat hanging on meat hooks.
"If you can run down to the end of the bar, jump up, and take a bite out of one of those pieces of meat, you get to drink free here for the rest of your life. But I'll warn you, if you try it and fail, you have to buy all of the drinks for the rest of the bar all night."
The man replies "Well, let me think about it. Mind if I take a look?" The bartender lets him, so he saunters down to the end of the bar, and takes a nice, long look at the hanging meat, before turning around and coming back.
"Nah, I think I'll just order a beer."
"Alright, but just curious... why aren't you taking the challenge?"
"Buddy, the steaks are just too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j6asm/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why are airplane crashes in the ocean so visible?

They're plane to sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j695w/why_are_airplane_crashes_in_the_ocean_so_visible/
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A man has a 25 inch long penis

And he thinks it is way too big, and he looks for ways to make it smaller. One day, he finds out about a witch in the woods who can solve his problem.
When he went to the witch, she told him to look for a frog by the stream and ask the frog to have sex with him. The frog will say no, and his penis will shrink by five inches.
He goes to the frog, and asks him, "will you have sex with me?" The frog said "no!" and his penis shrunk by five inches.
He thought this was great and asked again, "will you have sex with me?" The frog again said "no!" and his penis shrunk by five inches.
The man was very pleased and thought his penis was still a little too big. He decided to ask the frog one last time, "will you have sex with me?"
"How many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j66je/a_man_has_a_25_inch_long_penis/
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I just bought a pair of Nike's from a drug dealer. (other brands are available)

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j64lr/i_just_bought_a_pair_of_nikes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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What do black Eskimos live in?

A nigloo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j63di/what_do_black_eskimos_live_in/
%
I watched my first porno film last week....

I looked so much younger then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j62nz/i_watched_my_first_porno_film_last_week/
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3 Vampires walk into a bar...

The first orders a Bloody Mary, the second orders a Blood on the rocks and the third orders a glass of hot water. The bartender confused, asks him if he's sure that's all he wants. The third vampire smiles, pulls out a used tampon and says "Yep, I'm having tea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j61eh/3_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman ?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j5zse/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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How did Mace die in Star Wars?

Through the Windu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j5ye4/how_did_mace_die_in_star_wars/
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What is the Puerto Rican national anthem?

Partly in the USA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j5xvk/what_is_the_puerto_rican_national_anthem/
%
3 Football fans go on holiday...

Each supporting different teams one Hartlepool, one Liverpool and the other Arsenal. Their plane crashes in the middle of the ocean and each of them washes up on a desert island where there is nothing but a single sheep. They kill the sheep and use its wool for warmth until they get hungry.
Hartlepool fan: "I'm from hartlepool so i'll have the heart"
Liverpool fan: "I'm from Liverpool so i'll have the liver"
Arsenal fan: "Urm... I'm not hungry"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j5wsq/3_football_fans_go_on_holiday/
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Tried to sign up to a website the other day...

I put my password as "beef stew"
It said password not stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j5ucb/tried_to_sign_up_to_a_website_the_other_day/
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What do you call two hobos hitting each other with cardboard?

Pillow fight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j5s08/what_do_you_call_two_hobos_hitting_each_other/
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What did Stephen Hawking Say when his computer crashed?

Nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j5p4x/what_did_stephen_hawking_say_when_his_computer/
%
Why don't anarchists accept the metric system?

They refuse to have liters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j5opi/why_dont_anarchists_accept_the_metric_system/
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What's the best thing about dating a homeless woman?...

When ur done, u can drop her off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j5onm/whats_the_best_thing_about_dating_a_homeless_woman/
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What's the difference between your dick and your money?

I can find a lot of girls that'll blow your money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j5my1/whats_the_difference_between_your_dick_and_your/
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A man walks into a bar

So a man walked into the bar carrying a roll of Tarmac. He orders one pint and one for the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j5kfy/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My Dad and I were talking this morning about my brother's newborn baby...

Dad: I think the nurse will take out the plastic thingy from the baby's arm today.
Me: IV?
Dad: I think her name is Brenda, actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j5jp8/my_dad_and_i_were_talking_this_morning_about_my/
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A young man walks into a bar and orders four shots of whiskey...

...after checking his ID, the bartender starts pouring out the shots and asks, "you got some friends coming in behind you?" "Nope", the young man replies. "You celebrating something then?" "Yeah, something like that." The bartender, getting a little annoyed at the young man's coyness, responds, "Well, I'll bite. What are you celebrating?" Shyly, the young man replies, "my first blowjob." "Oh, man! Why didn't you say so?", the bartender exclaims. "I remember my first one. That takes me back! How about a beer on the house to help you celebrate yours?" The young man just shakes his head and says, "nah, if this whiskey doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j5c7g/a_young_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_four/
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A military plane crashes on a cannibal island

The soldiers are captured, and the chief asks them "Right, which one of you is the commander?"
"That's me, Commander Joe Miller."
"Well, congratulations, Joe, by tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j5aa1/a_military_plane_crashes_on_a_cannibal_island/
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The IRS Decides to audit Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j579x/the_irs_decides_to_audit_grandpa/
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Three men appear in heaven

at the same time. They approach the pearly gates when they're stopped by St. Peter.
"Woah, woah, woah! Sorry, heaven's been a bit busy today and we're starting to get overcrowded. The Big Man told me I'm only allowed to let people who died sad deaths in today. If you can tell me how you died, and I think it's pitiful enough, I'll let you in."
"I'll tell my story first," says one man.
"So, I'd been pretty certain lately that my wife had been cheating on me. I only didn't have any proof. I thought the best way to find out would be to catch her in the act. I devised a whole plan: I left the condo for work in the morning as normal, then I got in the elevator. Once I'd gone down to the lobby, I took the elevator back up and busted into my condo. There my wife was, sitting on the couch reading a magazine. Silly me, I thought, thinking my wife was cheating on me. Except I saw a pair of hands hanging on off the ledge of the balcony of my condo. So this is the man! Oh, I was so livid, I ran over to the ledge and started stomping on his hands. He still wasn't letting go. So I ran into my condo and grabbed a hammer and started banging on his knuckles. Finally, he let go and fell three stories and landed in a bush. Bruised up, but still okay. I wanted to end this thing so I ran into the kitchen, dragged the refrigerator and pushed it over the ledge onto the man, killing him instantly. After all that excitement, I had a heart attack right then and there and died."
St. Peter said "wow. That is a pitiful death. Okay, you can come in. Next?"
The second man said,
"Well, I was doing my daily workout routine on my balcony. While doing jumping jacks, I'm not sure how, but I lost my balance and fell off the balcony. Next thing I know, I'm holding on for dear life to the balcony on the level beneath my condo. This is the end, I thought. Except, just then a man stepped over to me. I'M SAVED, I thought. That was until he started stomping on my hands. I was terrified. When he realized I wasn't letting go, he ran inside and came back with a hammer. He hammered on my knuckles until I finally let go, falling three stories and landing in a bush, bruised but okay. As I reached for my phone to call for help, suddenly I see a refrigerator fall from the condo and smashing into me, killing me instantly."
St. Peter said, "wow. That, too, is a pitiful death. Okay, you can come in. Next?"
The third man comes up to tell his story
"Okay, picture this... I'm hiding in a refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j53us/three_men_appear_in_heaven/
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I walked past a drug rehab facility today.

There was a sign on the front lawn that read "KEEP OFF THE GRASS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j51s2/i_walked_past_a_drug_rehab_facility_today/
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Did you hear the one about the Mexican train bandit?

He had locomotives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j4zos/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_mexican_train/
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Anyone know where I can buy some camo pants?

Can't find them anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j4wzg/anyone_know_where_i_can_buy_some_camo_pants/
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What does a neckbeard call his imaginary girlfriend and his disease?

Ma'lady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j4phc/what_does_a_neckbeard_call_his_imaginary/
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I told a chemistry joke a few days ago...

Unfortunately, I didn't get a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j4nho/i_told_a_chemistry_joke_a_few_days_ago/
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[NSFW]Did you know that when you stick your dick in a vacuum....and turn it on to reverse...

they'll kick you out of Sears?
__
Someone wrote in the comment jumping on my ass about nit giving credit. I heard this on Conan last night by comedian Matt Donaher. I wasn't stealing the guys joke. I'd never seen anyone on here giving credit to people they hear the jokes from. And because I have to write this so no one else gets their panties in a wad it kinda kills the joke. I mean honestly it'd take a guy with experience to come up with that joke and since I *don't have* a dick I couldn't have written it. So anyway, now no one else can stick their pitchfork in my ass. Thanks buzz killer...it's not as if this sub gives karma points anyway. No profit to be made here. Now it's time to bury this shit out of this joke, because people are gonna read this and think wah wah wah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j4n64/nsfwdid_you_know_that_when_you_stick_your_dick_in/
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Porn

I watch so much porn, my screen saver is windex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j4km5/porn/
%
Bernie Sanders said it's time for him to cut the BS

His new name is Ernie Anders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j4fr6/bernie_sanders_said_its_time_for_him_to_cut_the_bs/
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Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.
One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"
God sighs. "Muslim extremists. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden did it."
His friend leans down and whispers, "Damn, dude. This thing goes way higher up than we ever realized."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j4djz/two_911_conspiracy_theorists_are_in_a_plane_when/
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What has caused Caitlyn Jenner to put on weight?

Trans fats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j4cdm/what_has_caused_caitlyn_jenner_to_put_on_weight/
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: My greatest weakness? I'm a bad listener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j4bow/interviewer_where_do_you_see_yourself_in_five/
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an old Russian man wants to visit a friend in germany

an old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and after a while, they reach the Latvian border. a man stops them and asks for passports. He asks in broken Russian “your names?”
the man responds  “I am Ivan, this is my wife Tanya. we are travelling to Germany”
“Excellent. And what is your work?”
“I manufacture vodka”
“looks good sir, you may go”
Several more hours pass and they make it to the Lithuanian border. the guard stops them and asks
“Your names?”
“I am Ivan and this is my wife Tanya. we are Russians traveling to Germany”
“fine. profession?”
“I manufacture Vodka”
“looks good sir, you may pass”
The drive for another few hours, until late at night they make it to the polish border. The guard asks for the passports, and says
“what are your names?”
“I am Ivan and this is my wife Tanya. we are Russians.”
“Occupation?”
“No, just passing through”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j4b60/an_old_russian_man_wants_to_visit_a_friend_in/
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I attached all my watches together into a belt today.

It's a complete waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j4au7/i_attached_all_my_watches_together_into_a_belt/
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How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well I'm not just going to tell you. You need to figure it out yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j49ms/how_many_teachers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I was going to castrate myself

But I didn't have the balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j46s2/i_was_going_to_castrate_myself/
%
I've downloaded so much porn on my smartphone...

My SD card's now an STD card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j464j/ive_downloaded_so_much_porn_on_my_smartphone/
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Did you hear about the score of the football match between Egypt and Ethiopia?

Egypt 8 - Ethiopia didn't....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j43ow/did_you_hear_about_the_score_of_the_football/
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Chernobyl

Have you ever seen Ronald Reagan's response to the Chernobyl incident?
He thought the Russians were just "overreacting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j42xf/chernobyl/
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Bob forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really pissed. She said, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning Bob got up early and left for work. His wife woke up to find a gift wrapped box in the middle of their driveway. Confused she went to check it out.
She opened it and found a weighing scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j42so/bob_forgot_his_wedding_anniversary/
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At the end of a Tax Year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books at a synagogue.

While checking the books, he turned to the rabbi and asked, "I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," retorted the rabbi, "we save them up and send them to candle makers, every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
The inspector was a bit disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But he continued, in his obnoxious way,"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs? "
"Ah! Yes." replied the rabbi realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, every now and then they send us a free box of biscuits."
The auditor thought hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all rabbi. "Well rabbi, what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", said the rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete dick like you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j405c/at_the_end_of_a_tax_year_the_tax_office_sent_an/
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New scientific research finds a link between blood type and happiness. The best blood type for happiness?

B positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j3u8e/new_scientific_research_finds_a_link_between/
%
What does a paedophile like to do while on vacation?

Get some son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j3tw5/what_does_a_paedophile_like_to_do_while_on/
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j3ts3/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_baby/
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A lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand...

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."
The witness replied, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j3tq4/a_lawyer_sneered_at_a_witness_on_the_stand/
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What's the most assigned elementary school essay in Chicago?

"What I want to be *IF* I grow up"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j3tc2/whats_the_most_assigned_elementary_school_essay/
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Why did the blonde get excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months?

Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j3rnw/why_did_the_blonde_get_excited_when_she_finished/
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Why did the stonemason break up with the female con artist?

She took him for granite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j3pvo/why_did_the_stonemason_break_up_with_the_female/
%
What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

Grrrains.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j3oc4/what_does_a_vegetarian_zombie_eat/
%
My girlfriends father wont let us sleep together when I stay over

Which is a shame because he's a very attractive man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j3meg/my_girlfriends_father_wont_let_us_sleep_together/
%
making holy water is easy....

you boil the hell out of it but how to you turn that holy water back into regular tap water?
You cook the bejesus out of it.
*bejesus may be a local slang but i hope not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j3kbr/making_holy_water_is_easy/
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Did you guys hear about that guy who died? He was famous for giving sheep haircuts. Did that for over 25 years.

They say he died from shear boredom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j3as2/did_you_guys_hear_about_that_guy_who_died_he_was/
%
Where do poor noodles live?

In the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j37p1/where_do_poor_noodles_live/
%
My 8 year old son made me laugh with a dad joke...

We were trying to decide where to eat, I offered up Buffalo Wild Wings, but my son and daughter were being indecisive. I finally said ok guys, make up your mind My son replied with a cocky grin "C'mon Mom we'll just wing it"...he then burst into laughter for five minutes....his fathers humor is really rubbing off on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j32z6/my_8_year_old_son_made_me_laugh_with_a_dad_joke/
%
A king gets murdered in his sleep...

Two of his most loyal servants found the body, with a sword in the king's chest. One the servants turns to the other and says "Wow, he must have had a bad knight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j31f3/a_king_gets_murdered_in_his_sleep/
%
"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" NSFW

... a young son asks his dad.
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping wife, "that there's a pussy, son."
"It's wonderful, dad! Wow! Ummm... Can I touch it?"
"No son!" says the dad. "If you touch the pussy, you'll wake the cunt up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j30oz/dad_whats_the_difference_between_a_pussy_and_a/
%
A guy is riding his bike...

He's carrying a bag in each hand so he has trouble keeping his balance. After a couple of minutes he finally falls over and drops both bags. One of them breaks open and reveals a lot of five dollar bills.
A police officer sees this and comes over to help. As he sees the bag full of money, he gets suspicious and asks: "Where did you get all that cash?"
The guy says: "Well, I own a garden next to a tennis court and during breaks people often go there to take a piss. So i always stand there with a big knife and say: 'Gimme five bucks or I'll cut it off!'"
"Ok...what's in the other bag?"
"Well, everyone doesn't pay..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2zdb/a_guy_is_riding_his_bike/
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If I'm going to have to become a communist...

Then so be it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2z6h/if_im_going_to_have_to_become_a_communist/
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What's Ned Stark's favorite cereal?

Raisin Bran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2xqy/whats_ned_starks_favorite_cereal/
%
A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck

.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but
He finally gave-in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2vcr/a_man_washed_up_on_a_beach_after_a_shipwreck/
%
Black walks into a bar

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender asks "where'd you get that?"
Parrot says "Africa, there's millions of them".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2uff/black_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pastaway...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2ta5/did_you_hear_about_the_italian_chef_that_died/
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Two explorers crash in the jungle.

They were flying over it when a reactor of their plane started malfunctionning; the plane crashed.
The two explorers were rescued by a local, cannibal tribe.
"We going to eat you" the leader said.
"We not eat you if you do challenge."
"What's the challenge?" Said the pilot of the plane.
"You two go in jungle and bring back ten fruit."
The two hostages ran I to the jungle and started picking up fruits. One of them got all the fruits needed and headed back to the camp. He had brought back ten tiny red fruits of which he did not know the name. The leader then says to him:
"Now you shove them up ass and you no laugh and no cry."
So, confused, the explorer started doing the weird thing the man asked him.
One, two, five, eight fruits, and at the ninth fruit he bursts out of laughter.
"You were so close of goal! Why did you laugh?" The tribe leader asked.
"Well, over there I can see my friend bringing back watermelons".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2op9/two_explorers_crash_in_the_jungle/
%
Knock knock. Who's there? It's Amy. Amy who?

It's amy, MARIO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2nvs/knock_knock_whos_there_its_amy_amy_who/
%
I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2l5m/i_refused_to_believe_my_dad_was_stealing_from_his/
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A guy goes to get a physical...

The doctor says "Sir, you have to stop masturbating."
"Why?"
"Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2jw9/a_guy_goes_to_get_a_physical/
%
What do you call a ghost that lives in your butt?

An ass-soul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2jq4/what_do_you_call_a_ghost_that_lives_in_your_butt/
%
I just saw the Assassins Creed Movie Trailer...

I did not expect The Spanish Inquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2idg/i_just_saw_the_assassins_creed_movie_trailer/
%
LPT: Don't let a doctor examine you without clothes on

Make him put his clothes on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2gc6/lpt_dont_let_a_doctor_examine_you_without_clothes/
%
I became rich by selling fertilizer.

I have some very prosperous phosphorus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2g9a/i_became_rich_by_selling_fertilizer/
%
Did you know that camels aren't indigenous to Australia? They were shipped there by the British.

Oddly enough, so were the Australians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2bfn/did_you_know_that_camels_arent_indigenous_to/
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What is a huge benefit of dating an Ethiopian girl?

You know they'll swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2baw/what_is_a_huge_benefit_of_dating_an_ethiopian_girl/
%
I called the bookstore and asked if they had any books about constipation.

She told me it hasn't come out yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j27zv/i_called_the_bookstore_and_asked_if_they_had_any/
%
Whats the difference between a bug and your mothers vagina?

Bear Grylls would eat that bug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j2560/whats_the_difference_between_a_bug_and_your/
%
The other day someone said my clothes looked gay...

I told them they got out of the closet just this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j23ve/the_other_day_someone_said_my_clothes_looked_gay/
%
How do crabs get out of hospitals?

On crotches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j23h7/how_do_crabs_get_out_of_hospitals/
%
You know what's a cool job?: Mirror inspector

I could really see my self doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j231z/you_know_whats_a_cool_job_mirror_inspector/
%
My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j228c/my_dad_a_vietnam_veteran_told_me_that_theres_one/
%
Know what's the best part about my supervisor having an identical twin?

I get to watch him die twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j1zgb/know_whats_the_best_part_about_my_supervisor/
%
Knock knock....

Knock knock.
*Who's there?*
Madam
*Madam who?*
Madam finger is caught in the door!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j1z5f/knock_knock/
%
Every program I write is completely error-free

No exceptions!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j1yfp/every_program_i_write_is_completely_errorfree/
%
You know how to make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j1xm1/you_know_how_to_make_a_tissue_dance/
%
I don't find Nazi jokes funny. My grandpa died in a concentration camp...

He fell off a watch tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j1xkc/i_dont_find_nazi_jokes_funny_my_grandpa_died_in_a/
%
What is grey and comes in quarts?

An elephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j1u1t/what_is_grey_and_comes_in_quarts/
%
My dishwasher makes this loud rumbling sound...

Strange thing is, it only seems to happen at night, when she's sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j1soc/my_dishwasher_makes_this_loud_rumbling_sound/
%
Why do tampons have strings attached?

So you can floss after you eat.
Alt ending:  So the crabs can bungee jump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j1ror/why_do_tampons_have_strings_attached/
%
Monica Lewinski released a statement that said she would be voting for Donald Trump

the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j1qfm/monica_lewinski_released_a_statement_that_said/
%
What is the most common pickup line in a gay bar?

Can I push in your stool?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j1o9i/what_is_the_most_common_pickup_line_in_a_gay_bar/
%
Why do you never see a pregnant plane?

They always go to the hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j1mv9/why_do_you_never_see_a_pregnant_plane/
%
Two dogs at the vet

One a poodle the other a great dane start chatting. Great dane asks the poodle why he's at the vet, poodle replies that he was feeling a bit frisky that morning and seeing the family cat decided to jump on it and give it a good humping. Now his owner has brought him here to be castrated. And why are you here the poodle askes the great dane?
Well I too was feeling randy this morning and seeing my owner come naked out of the shower I decided to jump on her and give her a good shagging. Oh replies the poodle so you're here to be castrated as well. No, replies the great dane I'm here to have my nails trimmed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j1kan/two_dogs_at_the_vet/
%
"Where will you see yourself in 15 years?"

A Mirror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j1iww/where_will_you_see_yourself_in_15_years/
%
Why does santa have such a large sack?

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j1hq2/why_does_santa_have_such_a_large_sack/
%
The iPhone 6 Plus sold very well.

It was a huge 6s!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j14kt/the_iphone_6_plus_sold_very_well/
%
3 gay guys are discussing what to do with their dead lover's ashes...

The first guy says that Peter would have wanted to have his ashes spread in the forest because he was such a down to earth person.
The second guy says that Peter would have wanted to have his ashes dumped in the ocean because his soul was pure and deep.
The third guy says Peter would have wanted to have his ashes put into a soup mixed with the hottest peppers and spices so he could tear our ass up one last time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j0ymu/3_gay_guys_are_discussing_what_to_do_with_their/
%
I can't handle the pressure of competitions.

Even in eating races I choke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j0w38/i_cant_handle_the_pressure_of_competitions/
%
Monica Lewinsky was recently offered a new position at a prestigious boarding school.

Headmaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j0t2g/monica_lewinsky_was_recently_offered_a_new/
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How do you stop an Internet troll?

Seize their memes of production.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j0nxc/how_do_you_stop_an_internet_troll/
%
"Turks have 3 problems..."

An Italian man walks into a nightclub wearing a shirt that says "Turks have 3 problems".
A turkish man approaches him and asks: "What the f*** is your shirt suppposed to mean?""
The Italian says: "See, that is your first problem. You turks are way too curious"
The Turkish man walks away and comes back later with a friend and threatens the Italian.
The Italian says: "See, that is your second problem. You turks are way too agressive."
The two men walk away and when at the end of the evening the Italian leaves the nightclub, the Turkish man is waiting outside with 5 friends. They all have their knives out.
The Italian says: "See that is your third problem."
"You brought knives to a gunfight"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j0mef/turks_have_3_problems/
%
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j0l5f/a_blonde_pushes_her_bmw_into_a_gas_station/
%
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j0iz1/how_many_friend_zoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
%
[NSFW] What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?

They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j0gmf/nsfw_what_do_the_zika_virus_and_catholic_priests/
%
When is a pedofiles favorite part of a hockey game?

Before first period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j07wu/when_is_a_pedofiles_favorite_part_of_a_hockey_game/
%
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he drank his tea before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j0176/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
Reading it one time might be not enough.

-"Hello, are you there?"
-"Yes, who are you please?"
-"I'm Watt"
-"What's your name?"
-"Watt's my name."
-"Yes, what's your name?"
-"My name is John Watt"
-"John what?"
-"Yes. Are you Jones?"
-"No, I'm Knott"
-"Will you tell me your name then?"
-"Will Knot"
-"Why not?"
-"My name is Knott"
-"Knot what?"
-"Not Watt, Knott."
-"What?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j00ah/reading_it_one_time_might_be_not_enough/
%
My daughter is getting to the age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex...

yesterday she asked me: "Is that all you got?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4izzxi/my_daughter_is_getting_to_the_age_where_she_is/
%
I had an Ethiopian blend of coffee this morning...

It didn't taste very rich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4izztz/i_had_an_ethiopian_blend_of_coffee_this_morning/
%
Why does the KKK like christmas?

Because it's the one day that they have an excuse to hang coloured balls from trees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4izzib/why_does_the_kkk_like_christmas/
%
It would be cheaper if they used oak instead of silicone in boob jobs..

Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4izxw1/it_would_be_cheaper_if_they_used_oak_instead_of/
%
What do stoners ride to school?

The cannibus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4izwa7/what_do_stoners_ride_to_school/
%
Google has become 17 years old...

At any time it may start answering "search it yourself" or "who the hell knows".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4izsq6/google_has_become_17_years_old/
%
Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

Because they're both cauldron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4izm9o/why_cant_harry_potter_tell_the_difference_between/
%
Children in the back seat cause accidents...

...accidents in the back seat cause children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4izkyw/children_in_the_back_seat_cause_accidents/
%
Whats's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4izk9e/whatss_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
A New Zealander and an Australian are walking through a paddock

and they come across a sheep stuck with it's head stuck in a fence. The Aussie turns to the Kiwi.
"Do you think we should help him?"
The Kiwi, not one to turn down easy prey, pulls his pants down in one smooth motion and takes the sheep from behind amidst a plethora of protesting bleets.
The Aussie watches in shock as the Kiwi finishes with record breaking speed. He asks the Kiwi what they should do now, as the animal has the unexpected item removed.
"Well, you haven't had a root in weeks, mate! You're up next!"
The Aussie apprehensively replies, "Are... are you sure?"
"Stop being a pussy!"
The Aussie grudgingly wanders down towards the sheep. He looks at the Kiwi for reassurance and after a nod he sighed, got on all fours and started to work out how to get his head stuck in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4izffw/a_new_zealander_and_an_australian_are_walking/
%
Fat jokes aside, let's not forget fat people have feelings too

Hunger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4izbhh/fat_jokes_aside_lets_not_forget_fat_people_have/
%
Implantable Headphones

The past few years, people have been circulating articles saying that we'll all have to get chip implants under Obamacare. They reference the book of Revelation and say it's the mark of the beast. But I got to thinking; in-ear headphones get annoying and over-ears aren't that portable. So in the future, I expect implantable Bluetooth headphones. I have the perfect name for them: The Mark of the Beats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4izbdq/implantable_headphones/
%
Why does Beyoncé sing the song "to the left"?

Because black people have no rights...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iz9bf/why_does_beyoncé_sing_the_song_to_the_left/
%
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

Same time next month?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iz8do/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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What do you call a book club that hasn't changed their book in a thousand years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iz86o/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_that_hasnt_changed/
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What do you call the side door of a brothel in Westeros?

Hodor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iz583/what_do_you_call_the_side_door_of_a_brothel_in/
%
Where do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iz4ze/where_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
An engineer dies and goes to Hell

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators.
The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iz293/an_engineer_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
How do you get stuck in an annoying conversation with a stranger?

Ask someone vaping if you can bum a cigarette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iz0md/how_do_you_get_stuck_in_an_annoying_conversation/
%
I used to be into BDSM, beastiality, and necrophilia...

But I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iyzzy/i_used_to_be_into_bdsm_beastiality_and_necrophilia/
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There was a businessman

who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.  He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.  He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.  He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.  He explained his situation, the old man. “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …” said the old man, and then he stopped. “Except what?” asked the businessman. “Nothing, nothing,” said the old man. “C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman. “Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick,’” the old man said. “So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” the businessman asked.  The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols.  He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.  The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!” The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.” The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.  The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.  Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dick, get back in your box!” The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, “I’ll take it!” The old man resisted and said it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dick, my pussy.” He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.  She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!”  The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping.  It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.  She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.  Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.  So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.  She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.  He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.  Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iyy5z/there_was_a_businessman/
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing no clothes but covered head to toe in saran wrap

The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iyxmg/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
%
I can still remember my Grandpa's last words to me:

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iyvey/i_can_still_remember_my_grandpas_last_words_to_me/
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My mom's boyfriend swears this is the funniest joke he's ever heard

Hitler dies and goes to Heaven. He patiently waits in line and finally meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Whoa, whoa, not so fast. You're not getting in here."
"What?!" Hitler says. "What about all this forgiveness and 'love thy neighbor'?"
"You know what," says St. Peter, "stay right here."
He walks through the gates and returns with The Big Man himself.
God says, "Ok, I'll let you in if you answer this one question: if you could do everything in your life all over again, what would you do differently?"
Hitler ponders the question for a moment before answering, "I would do everything exactly the same, except I would kill a dog."
God is astounded. "What?! You would kill a dog?"
Hitler says, "See! I knew you didn't give a shit about those Jews!"
*edit for formatting/spelling*
*edit 2; I suppose I should've said "funniest joke he knows" - not my joke*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iyv4l/my_moms_boyfriend_swears_this_is_the_funniest/
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A Mechanical Engineer, a Special Projects Solution Consultant, and a Software Engineering were riding in a car over a mountain pass....

....Suddenly, the brakes fail just as they crest the rise.
As they begin to plummet unchecked down the mountain, the driver begins a miraculous set of actions, feathering the body of the car against the side of the mountain as well as other vehicles, while simultaneously downshifting the engine.  He brings the vehicle to a precarious halt halfway down the mountain on the narrow shoulder of the road next to a thousand foot drop.
The co-workers climb out of the car and assess the situation. The Solution Consultant takes charge and says, "Let's brainstorm ideas! I have a whiteboard in the trunk. We'll ideate some solutions. Then, we'll run through a scenario where we...."
The Mechanical Engineer interrupts, "Listen, I have a pocketknife and some appropriately viscous fluids to fill the brake line. I can get us back on the road safely within minutes."
They turn to the Software Engineer, who says, "I think our first course of action should be to push this vehicle back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iyuqk/a_mechanical_engineer_a_special_projects_solution/
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If I had to lose any bodypart I'd lose my spine.

It's really holding me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iyuge/if_i_had_to_lose_any_bodypart_id_lose_my_spine/
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You know what's a shame?

A bus carrying lawyers and politicians going off a cliff and everyone on board dying.
You know what's a damn shame?
There was an empty seat in the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iyuag/you_know_whats_a_shame/
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Two Mathematicians walk into a Reddit themed bar...

The bartender says: "We don't really get your kind 'round here."
One of the math wizards  replies: "Mathematicians?"
To which the bartender replies: "No, math jokes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iyt90/two_mathematicians_walk_into_a_reddit_themed_bar/
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Johnny Hated Math....

...his grades were terrible and he had stopped trying.  Johnny's attitude in school was obnoxious, and his parents didn't know what to do.
Finally, they decided to enroll Johnny in the local Catholic school, even though they're not religious people and have never stepped foot in a church.
All of a sudden, Johnny's math grade does a complete 180.  He's getting straight A's, and his report card says he's "a pleasure to have in class."
"Johnny, your mom and I don't get it.  You hated math at your old school and failed every semester.  Now at this Catholic school, you get A's and are at the top of your class.  What changed son?"
"Well dad, when I got there the first day and saw that dude in front of the school nailed to the plus sign, I knew these people meant business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iymcb/johnny_hated_math/
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Why are dwarfs so good at math?

Because it's the little things that count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iykei/why_are_dwarfs_so_good_at_math/
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A woman gives the news to her husband.

- My love , I'm pregnant . What would you like it to be ?
- A joke?.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iyiab/a_woman_gives_the_news_to_her_husband/
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Why doesn't Hermione keep her money at Gringotts?

Offshore investment gains a better return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iygon/why_doesnt_hermione_keep_her_money_at_gringotts/
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What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a tub of glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iycxg/whats_the_difference_between_a_tuna_a_piano_and_a/
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A boy tells his dad he recently lost his virginity...

The father pulls two beers from the mini fridge and asks his son to grab a seat. The father hands his son a beer and says "my boy this a big day because you are now a man in my eyes. All the same, I am still your father and I want you to feel like you can ask me things if you need to."
The son, looking relieved, says "well actually dad, there was one thing I wanted to ask."
"Of course my boy," the father says, "ask away!"
"Well," says the son, "I was just wondering when my asshole will stop hurting."
I'm not sure if this has been posted before, but it's always been one of my favorites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iybkm/a_boy_tells_his_dad_he_recently_lost_his_virginity/
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Welcome to the ice cream shop.

So a man walks into an ice cream shop. He looks around and then walks up to the clerk.
Clerk: "Welcome! How can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, can i have a cup of chocolate ice cream?"
Clerk: "I'm sorry sir but we don't actually have any chocolate at the moment. We're all out."
Customer looks around again at the different ice cream flavors.
Customer: "Okay in that case can I get a small cup of chocolate?"
Clerk: "I...I'm sorry. I must not have been clear. We've run out of chocolate ice cream. There is no more. I have 29 other flavors...but no chocolate."
Customer: "Oh! I'm sorry. In that case I'll just take a cone of chocolate."
Clerk pauses
Clerk: "Let me direct you to our menu. Do you see the V-A-N-I in vanilla?"
Customer: "Yes."
Clerk: "Do you see the S-T-R-A in strawberry?"
Customer: "Yes."
Clerk: "Do you see the F-U-C-K in chocolate?"
Customer: "There's no fuck in chocolate."
Clerk: "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iyafa/welcome_to_the_ice_cream_shop/
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Whats long and black and hard to cut into?

The line at KFC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iy9q3/whats_long_and_black_and_hard_to_cut_into/
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Purple is my favorite color!

I like it more than blue and red combined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iy8l2/purple_is_my_favorite_color/
%
One day in Soviet Russia, an officer is ordered to give a ticket to anyone speeding

Mikhail Gorbachev comes driving into Russia after a meeting in belgrade, he is with his chauffeur and must get to the Kremlin as fast as possible. He tells his chauffeur to get to the back and that he will drive. As Gorbachev is speeding, the officer sees the speeding car and pulls him over. At the end of the day he is asked why he didn't give a ticket to that speeding car. The officer replies with, "I couldn't recognize who was in the back seat but Gorbachev was his chauffeur."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iy4q9/one_day_in_soviet_russia_an_officer_is_ordered_to/
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Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

A: Your Job still sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iy0or/q_whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_a/
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What do you call...

What do you call nuts on the wall?
-Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chest?
-Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin?
-Dick in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixztx/what_do_you_call/
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What do you call a nose with no body?

Nobody knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixw3l/what_do_you_call_a_nose_with_no_body/
%
We are in DEEP trouble!

The Population of this country is 310 million.
160 Million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing TERRORISTS.
Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your backside, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixuhr/we_are_in_deep_trouble/
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Bar Bet

Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 if you slide a glass down the bar, I can whip out my dick, pee in the glass, and not spill a drop."
Bartender says, "No way man, that's impossible.  It's a bet"
Bartender slides a glass from the end of the bar.  The guy whips out his dick, and pisses all over the bar, hardly getting any in the glass.
"Ha! I told you, that'll be $100 please," the bartender laughs as he starts wiping up the mess.
The guy smiles as he pays the bartender.
"What are you smiling about?  I just took you for $100."
"Yes you did, but see that guy over there?  I bet him $500 if I pissed all over your bar, you'd laugh and clean it up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixtoe/bar_bet/
%
I knew my fantasies were getting worse

But when I spanked a statue I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixsjf/i_knew_my_fantasies_were_getting_worse/
%
Harry Potter is a kind of "whodunnit" book series

and you-know-whodunnit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixp5y/harry_potter_is_a_kind_of_whodunnit_book_series/
%
The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house

And I thought to myself "that could've been me"
Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixnis/the_other_day_an_ex_girlfriend_of_mine_was_hit_by/
%
How many gays does it take to put in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes a whole emergency room to remove it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixm71/how_many_gays_does_it_take_to_put_in_a_lightbulb/
%
After a dinner party

...while taking plates to the kitchen my guest asked if the dishwasher was dirty.
I said no, I believe she showered before dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixlry/after_a_dinner_party/
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If I had a dollar for every time a woman find me attractive...

I'd have a dollar, thanks mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixlmh/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_a_woman_find_me/
%
What did the sign on the closed brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixjgw/what_did_the_sign_on_the_closed_brothel_say/
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My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.

He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixf6s/my_grandfather_developed_cancer_in_his_early/
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A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.
Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.
But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."
To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Credit to /u/Bidonet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixf5k/a_russian_couple_walks_down_a_street_in_moscow/
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What did Ernie say when his friend tried to convince him he was ice cream?

Are you surebert?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixe27/what_did_ernie_say_when_his_friend_tried_to/
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There are two types of people in the world. Those who understand ROT26...

...and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ixbb4/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world_those/
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And this is the worst joke I know...

So a teenage girl walks up to her dad, and asks to use the family car. The father agrees, but only if she gives him a blowjob. The daughter things this is really gross, but really needs the car at the same time. So she goes down on her dad.
A minute later, she looks up at him and says 'Dad, your dick tastes like shit.'
The dad thinks for a minute, then says 'Oh yeah, your brother has the car!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ix73l/and_this_is_the_worst_joke_i_know/
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What's the most important part of a joke, the setup or the punchline?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ix59n/whats_the_most_important_part_of_a_joke_the_setup/
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I signed a petition to end women's suffering yesterday.

Oops. Sorry: autocorrect.
*suffrage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ix4qa/i_signed_a_petition_to_end_womens_suffering/
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At first I hated my new haircut...

but it's growing on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ix2xb/at_first_i_hated_my_new_haircut/
%
Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?

A: Because they don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ix12x/q_why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
Where do fish keep their money?

In the river bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ix07f/where_do_fish_keep_their_money/
%
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine-shaft?

A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iwz39/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_down_a/
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Religious

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iwwp3/religious/
%
How do you fix a broken tuba?

With a tuba glue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iwtd8/how_do_you_fix_a_broken_tuba/
%
I love being a gynecologist

I find that I'm always hard at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iwo0m/i_love_being_a_gynecologist/
%
r/jokes

An average r/jokes user walks into a bar. He waits for someone else to order, then orders the same thing as if he just thought of it himself. After enjoying his drink, he goes around behind the bar and sucks his own dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iwns9/rjokes/
%
My parents named me after a loved one who died when I was born.

-Hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iwn44/my_parents_named_me_after_a_loved_one_who_died/
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An engineer dies and goes to Hell

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators.
The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
(crossposted from /r/funny)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iwmvc/an_engineer_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
What sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby?

Go ask your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iwm3z/what_sexual_position_guarantees_the_ugliest_baby/
%
If I got a dime every time I exaggerated...

I'd have a jillion, gazillion bucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iwlm2/if_i_got_a_dime_every_time_i_exaggerated/
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Bill Cosby likes his women like he likes his town cars...

Blacked out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iwcbf/bill_cosby_likes_his_women_like_he_likes_his_town/
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A guy from Nebraska goes to New York for the first time.

He's so excited, he's never been outside of Nebraska.  He gets to La Guardia, and immediately tells a cabbie to take him to the Empire State Building (as he's always wanted to see it in real life).  So they pull up to and he goes inside and gets on the elevator to the top of the building.  He goes up several floors and the elevator stops and a giant of a man gets on.  The Nebraska man isn't quite sure how he should act around New Yorkers, and being as this guy is so big, he decides he should start a nice conversation with him.
"Excuse me sir, just how big are you?"
New Yorker, "Well, I'm 6'8" tall, I weigh 325lbs, I have a 14" dick and my name is Turner Brown."
The Nebraska man faints.   The big New Yorker helps him up, and slaps him around until he wakes up, "Wha-what happened?"
"Well, you asked me how big I was and I told you I was 6'8", weigh 325lbs, have a 14" dick and my name is Turner Brown."
The Nebraska man says, "Sweet Jesus, Thank God.  I thought you said 'turn around'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iw78w/a_guy_from_nebraska_goes_to_new_york_for_the/
%
Here's a joke about my senior year of college.

I tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iw693/heres_a_joke_about_my_senior_year_of_college/
%
A priest checks into a hotel

A priest checking into a hotel says, "I want to make sure the porn in my room is all disabled". The kid at the desk gives him a puzzled look, "We only got regular porn here you sick fuck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iw4r3/a_priest_checks_into_a_hotel/
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What type of meat do catholic priests eat on Friday?

Nun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iw281/what_type_of_meat_do_catholic_priests_eat_on/
%
Why was the comedian so depressed?

He felt like everyone was just laughing at him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iw01u/why_was_the_comedian_so_depressed/
%
A redneck boy runs into his house..

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!" Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table. "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivzik/a_redneck_boy_runs_into_his_house/
%
A boy asks his dad...

A boy askes his dad if he can have a beer. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a beer yet."
A few years later he sees his dad having a cigar, and he asks if he can have a cigar too. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy, again, says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar yet."
A few more years pass, and the son buys a lottery ticket, and wins big. His dad says "Hey son, how about sharing that money with your dad?" The son says "Gee, I don't know. is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?"
The dad says "Yes it is!"
"Then go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivzi3/a_boy_asks_his_dad/
%
I'm always extra nice to the guy who used to deliver my mail.

I'd hate to get into a fist fight with an ex-professional  mail boxer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivymj/im_always_extra_nice_to_the_guy_who_used_to/
%
What is President Clinton's favourite game?

Swallow the leader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivwq8/what_is_president_clintons_favourite_game/
%
Accidentally brushed my teeth with hemorrhoid cream

...but at least my asshole smells minty fresh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivuxm/accidentally_brushed_my_teeth_with_hemorrhoid/
%
How many feminists?

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question, they can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivurf/how_many_feminists/
%
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...

They would eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivu8k/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
%
A girl at my high school got kicked out of the Future Farmers of America (FFA)...

She couldn't keep her calves together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivtm9/a_girl_at_my_high_school_got_kicked_out_of_the/
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What's the difference between Madonna and a bowling ball ?

You can only fit three fingers in the bowling ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivt5v/whats_the_difference_between_madonna_and_a/
%
Little Jhonny's dad asks him...

Dad: Son, who do you wanna marry when you grow up?
Little Johnny: I'd like to marry grandma.
Dad: Why the f**k would you wanna marry my mom?
Little Johnny: Why the fuck did you marry my mom?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivsz8/little_jhonnys_dad_asks_him/
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"Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

"Because we conceived her in Paris."
"Ahh, thanks Dad! "
"You're welcome, Backseat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivpih/dad_why_is_my_sister_called_paris/
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A plane was travelling from America to the UK

when, about 15 minutes into the journey, there is a slight rumble, a slight whine followed by the pilots voice over the PA system.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I would like to inform you that one of our engines has stopped working. We can still safely fly on the 3 remaining engines, but our journey will be 1 hour longer as a result. Thank you"
A few passengers look at each other, but no one is overly concerned, trusting the captain.
Sometime later though, there is another rumble and another whine, followed by the pilots voice over the PA system.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I would like to inform you that we have lost another one our engines, but don't worry, we can still safely fly on the 2 remaining engines. However our journey will be 2 hours longer. Thank you"
A few passengers look worried, a few look annoyed but everyone settles down.
20 minutes later there is another familiar rumble, followed by a tell tale whine. The captains voice is once again on the PA system.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I'm afraid we have lost a third engine, but please do not panic, this plane is perfectly capable of flying on the one remaining engine. This does mean though, that our journey will be 4 hours longer than anticipated. Thank you"
"This is ridiculous!" A frustrated woman says to her husband "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivp4s/a_plane_was_travelling_from_america_to_the_uk/
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Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivo82/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
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Poor onions

I cried when my Dad sliced Onions.
I missed Onions. He was a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivnhg/poor_onions/
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A boy asks his father...

"What's the difference between 'potentially' and 'reality'?"
The boy's father studies him for a moment before saying "Go ask your mother, sister, and brother if they would have sex with a Ryan Reynolds for 1 million dollars. Then come back and tell me what they said."
So the son goes off. He asks his mother, who replies "If you're father would be OK with it I would." His sister, who responded enthusiastically that she'd do it for free. And his brother who hesitantly says he would so long as nobody found out.
The boy runs back to his father and says "Dad! They all said yes. What does that mean?"
The father replies "potentially we have 3 million dollars. In reality we have two sluts and a fag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivn3b/a_boy_asks_his_father/
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What's the difference between a Mexican and a book?

The book has papers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivlvp/whats_the_difference_between_a_mexican_and_a_book/
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Becoming a vegetarian

is a huge missed steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivi0u/becoming_a_vegetarian/
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A family is sitting at the dinner table... (nsfw)

The son asks his father,
Son: "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
Father: "well son, there are three kinds of boobs. When a woman is a teenager, her boobs are like apples, firm and round. When a woman reaches her 40's however, her boobs are like pears. Firm, but sagging a little. And when she reaches her 60's, her boobs are like onions."
Son: "onions?"
Father: "yes, onions. You see them and they make you cry."
Now the mother and the daughter are seething with anger at this point, and the daughter turns to the mother asking,
Daughter: "mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"
Mother: "well, a man goes through three stages. When he is a teenager, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. When he reaches his 40's, his willy is like a birch tree, flexible, but reliable. When he reaches his 60's however, his willy is like a christmas tree."
Daughter: "a christmas tree?"
Mother: "yes, a christmas tree. Dead from the roots up, and balls that are there for decoration."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivhos/a_family_is_sitting_at_the_dinner_table_nsfw/
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What would a video game about an abortion nurse be called?

Womb raider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivfv4/what_would_a_video_game_about_an_abortion_nurse/
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Practicing on the Old Oak Tree

On his 13th birthday, a boy says to his father, "Dad, I'm 13 now, and I think I'm old enough to be with a woman."
"Son, you're not ready yet, but I want you to practice everyday on the old oak tree in the yard.  You'll be ready soon."
On his 16th birthday, the boy says to his father, "Dad, I've been practicing everyday on the old oak tree, just like you said, and I think I'm ready to be with a women now."
"No son, not yet, but you keep practicing on the old oak tree.  You'll be ready soon."
The boy's 18th birthday arrives.
"Dad, I'm a man now, and I've been practicing on the old oak tree every day for five years.  I know I'm ready for a woman."
"You're right son.  Today's the day.  She's upstairs waiting for you.  Happy birthday!"
The boy smiles and runs upstairs as his dad chuckles to himself.  All of a sudden he hears a blood curdling woman's scream.  He runs upstairs and throws open his son's door.  The woman is lying naked, spread-eagle on the bed.  His son is standing over her with a broomstick jammed in her vagina.
"My god son, what are you doing?!"
"Just checking for squirrels, dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivduk/practicing_on_the_old_oak_tree/
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In college, 'Subway Jared' couldn't decide what to major in.

He just wanted to get a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivcod/in_college_subway_jared_couldnt_decide_what_to/
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A sandwich walks into a bar...

...and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iv9ie/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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Angry mum

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iv57r/angry_mum/
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What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iv238/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
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Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the food before it was cool...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iuw56/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
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Three men walk into a bar...

The fourth one ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iupwb/three_men_walk_into_a_bar/
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A boy asks his dad a question

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"
The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iumvg/a_boy_asks_his_dad_a_question/
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I had a dream I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iulph/i_had_a_dream_i_was_a_muffler/
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A talented frog

A woman is sitting at a hotel bar having a martini when a man comes and sits on the stool next to her.  He offers to buy her a drink, which she politely declines.  After a couple of awkward minutes, the man reaches into his suit pocket and pulls out a box and puts it on the bar without saying anything.  The box starts moving on its own, which piques the woman's interest.
"What's in the box?" she asks.  The man turns to her and says "That, my dear, is a very talented frog!"  He then opens the box, revealing a medium sized frog, who is just moving around in the box, getting comfortable.  The frog doesn't even try to jump out.  "Oh! How odd! What's his talent?" asks the woman.  "Believe it or not, honey, this frog eats pussy."
The woman bursts into peals of laughter, but the man remains serious.  "Please stop laughing. He's very sensitive about it" says the man.  After another awkward pause, the woman says "I don't believe you!" to which the man says "Well, then, come up to my room and I'll prove it to you!"  Of course the lady lets her curiosity get the best of her and goes up to his room with him.  "Take off your underwear and lie on the bed" says the man. She does so, after which he takes the frog out of the box and holds it up to her gooch.  The frog does nothing. "Eat!" commands the man. Nothing. "EAT!" he yells. Nothing.
The man appears defeated, sighs, and says "Okay, frog, I'm only going to show you this one more time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iukre/a_talented_frog/
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whats the difference between my driveway and 14 year old daughter?

... I pull out of my driveway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iukia/whats_the_difference_between_my_driveway_and_14/
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a cannibal family is sitting at the dinner table...

finishing up, when the youngest cannibal comes rushing in, panting, "am i too late?" the dad replies, picking his teeth "yep, everyone's already eaten".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iukf8/a_cannibal_family_is_sitting_at_the_dinner_table/
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A vampire masturbating into a mirror.

You didn't see that coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iuecg/a_vampire_masturbating_into_a_mirror/
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Why shouldn't you trust an atom?

Because they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iub9u/why_shouldnt_you_trust_an_atom/
%
What is the funniest two legged lizard?

The stand-up chameleon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iu3zw/what_is_the_funniest_two_legged_lizard/
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I bought my girlfriend an extra large dildo yesterday.

She was deeply touched and says it's really opened her up to new things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iu2k3/i_bought_my_girlfriend_an_extra_large_dildo/
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I asked a pretty homeless woman...

I asked a pretty homeless women if I could take her home, she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iu27j/i_asked_a_pretty_homeless_woman/
%
"Our battle plans look wonderful on the map" said the General...

"It's a pity the enemy doesn't follow them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iu26u/our_battle_plans_look_wonderful_on_the_map_said/
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What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady

but we'll never know because he can't stand up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ityza/what_if_stephen_hawking_is_the_real_slim_shady/
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A black boy walks into the kitchen...

...where his mother is baking, and he accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go tell your father what you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, "Now, what do you have to say for yourself?" The boy replies, "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4itybr/a_black_boy_walks_into_the_kitchen/
%
i tried to ignore my girlfriend's bulimia

but she kept bringing it back up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ity47/i_tried_to_ignore_my_girlfriends_bulimia/
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What do successful businessmen and aids patients have in common

They both take risks and get positive results

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4itu07/what_do_successful_businessmen_and_aids_patients/
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Proper grammar is the difference...

... between knowing your shit and not knowing you're shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ittay/proper_grammar_is_the_difference/
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Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator...

I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4itp96/accidentally_pooped_my_pants_in_the_elevator/
%
Relationships and Algebra are very similar!

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4itmuj/relationships_and_algebra_are_very_similar/
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What is it called when Batman leaves church early?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4itm6q/what_is_it_called_when_batman_leaves_church_early/
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What do a plate of homemade brownies and a golden shower have in common?

Urine for a treat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4itbir/what_do_a_plate_of_homemade_brownies_and_a_golden/
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My friends hate my cheese jokes.

They said that they're no Gouda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ita6g/my_friends_hate_my_cheese_jokes/
%
After a lap dance I looked at my pants and saw blood

It was the best lap dance ever. Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4it5p6/after_a_lap_dance_i_looked_at_my_pants_and_saw/
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Why You Should Make Love Once A Year

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4it4ez/why_you_should_make_love_once_a_year/
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What do you call two hobos hitting each other with cardboard?

Pillow fight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4it24k/what_do_you_call_two_hobos_hitting_each_other/
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Little Johnny and April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4it1kc/little_johnny_and_april/
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Legos are a lot like boobs.

They're meant for kids, but Dad always ends up playing with them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4isz6m/legos_are_a_lot_like_boobs/
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I went to the doctor today...

I went to the doctor today and after speaking to me for a few minutes he told me I would have to stop masturbating.                                                            I asked him why and he said "because I'm trying to conduct an examination and it's distracting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4isxq9/i_went_to_the_doctor_today/
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'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4isvkj/doctor_theres_a_piece_of_lettuce_sticking_out_of/
%
Why didn't Buddha vacuum under the chair?

He had no attachments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4isvdx/why_didnt_buddha_vacuum_under_the_chair/
%
It is the year 2066.

Scientists in the space colony on Mars are testing the feasibility of using animals to navigate the natural landscape. They decide to send a cat in a spacesuit with a radio collar and a camera to roam around.
After a day, they notice the radio collar hasn't been moving in several hours. The scientists walk over to the location of the radio collar and discover the remains of a brutally dismembered cat. Confused, the scientists take the corpse, camera, and collar back to the lab for analysis. Upon reviewing the camera footage, they discover something truly disconcerting.
Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4isu4w/it_is_the_year_2066/
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Once upon a time Jesus and Moses were playing golf...

Once upon a time Jesus and Moses were playing golf.
This course had a particularly difficult hole,
and Moses expressed his doubts that
Jesus could make the shot over the water.
"Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it," exclaimed Jesus.
"I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,
Golf Swing and if Arnold Palmer can do it,
then so can I."
Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try.
Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water.
Moses parted the water for Jesus,
who went in to retrieve his ball.
Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.
"I know I can do this, Moses -- I've seen Arnold Palmer
do it, and if he can do it, then so can I."
True to form, however,
Jesus' ball ended up back in the water.
Moses parted the water,
and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball.
"Look, Jesus," said Moses. "Try again if you like,
but I'm not parting the water for you again."
"Fair enough, Moses," said Jesus.
"But you know, I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,
and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I."
Once again, Jesus' ball was in the water.
Jesus proceeded to walk upon the water to get it.
Another group of golfers came up behind Moses
and saw Jesus walking on the water.
"Holy Cow!" one of them said to Moses.
"Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"
"No," said Moses, rolling his eyes, "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4isruh/once_upon_a_time_jesus_and_moses_were_playing_golf/
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They say 1 in 3 people live next to a pedophile

Not me I live next to 2 smoking hot 8 year olds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4isnoc/they_say_1_in_3_people_live_next_to_a_pedophile/
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My brother and I started a business manufacturing Dracula toys

I have to make every second Count

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4isjl9/my_brother_and_i_started_a_business_manufacturing/
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A Generous Rich Man

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen.
MAN: “Hello!”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.” The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turned and asked, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iseoa/a_generous_rich_man/
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A close call.

Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4isbr5/a_close_call/
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I never make jokes about airplanes

They go over everyone's heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4isaq2/i_never_make_jokes_about_airplanes/
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A Jewish boy

goes up to his father and asks for 5 dollars. The father responds, "4 dollars!! Oh my god what do you need 3 dollars for??!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4is9qk/a_jewish_boy/
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Why did the dog chase the bulldozer?

It doesn't like Cats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4is9lt/why_did_the_dog_chase_the_bulldozer/
%
The avengers walk into a bar

Except vision. He phased.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4is8a3/the_avengers_walk_into_a_bar/
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh

Ten-Tickles.
... I can't stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4is753/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
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Two people are having a conversation...

Man: I don't believe women should have any rights and gays should be put to death.
Redditor: Wow, what a complete primitive asshole you are.  You must be a Republican.
Man: No actually I'm a Muslim
Redditor: Oh I'm so sorry, I apologize.  I hope you don't think I'm Islamophobic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4is4wz/two_people_are_having_a_conversation/
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I've spent the last 2 years looking for my ex girlfriends killer.

But no one will do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4is4pc/ive_spent_the_last_2_years_looking_for_my_ex/
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Why does Donald Trump hate Casper the ghost?

Because he can go through walls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4is2wt/why_does_donald_trump_hate_casper_the_ghost/
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And the award for best neckwear goes to...

Well, would you look at that... It's a tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4is294/and_the_award_for_best_neckwear_goes_to/
%
Did you hear about the gay Irish Dentists?

Ben Dover and Phil Mcavity!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iryvi/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_irish_dentists/
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I like my coffee like I like my women...

Without a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4irw6o/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
After the passing of the Master Wine Taster, the director of a wine cellar decided to look for a new Master Taster

A dirty, old drunk came by and asked about the job.
The director, not wanting him near the patrons, thought that the easiest way to get rid of him was to give him the damn interview and get done with it.
The drunk was served a bit of wine, who in turn smelled it, took a sip and put the glass down.
"It's a Moscatel, three years old, made from grapes harvested from the northern parts of the region, aged in a steel barrel. Low quality wine, but acceptable".
"That is correct," said the shocked director, "bring another sample, please!"
He was given another sample of wine
"8-year cabernet, southern mountains' harvest. Aged in an american pine barrel at eight degrees Celcius. It's three years short for it's optimum quality".
The director could not believe it. He called for another sample, then another and another. This kept on going for a while. Finally, he decided to play a trick on the drunk. He whispered to his assitant, and she left the room hurriedly and came back a few minutes later with yet another glass, which the drunk tasted.
"26-year old, healthy redhead. Three months pregnant and if you sons o' bitches don't hire me by now I'm telling who the real father is!"
*Sorry if it's a repost. I was just told this and liked it so I figured I'd share.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4irw1j/after_the_passing_of_the_master_wine_taster_the/
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A Spanish magician is at a party

He begins his trick for the birthday girl, grabbing a handful of magic sprinkle dust. He then begins to count, "uno, dos," POOF.
He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4irvni/a_spanish_magician_is_at_a_party/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel hanging from his crotch...

The bartender asks, "What's that hangin' off ye?"
The pirate responds, "arrr! I've no idea, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4irtq7/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_ships_wheel/
%
Did you hear about the homosexual magician?

He disappeared in a poof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4irpfv/did_you_hear_about_the_homosexual_magician/
%
A plane crashes in the middle of the Sahara Desert. Only the pilot and his co-pilot survive...

A plane crashes in the middle of the Sahara Desert. Only the pilot and his co-pilot survive.
The pilot is badly injured and can't leave the cockpit, let alone the plane. He knows they have no supplies on board and a rescue party could be days or even weeks away. He tells the co-pilot to go scouting for food and water and return with whatever he finds.
Hours pass before the co-pilot returns and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news."
"Give me the bad new first," says the pilot.
"There's nothing to eat but sand," replies the co-pilot.
"And what's the good news?"
"There's fucking loads of it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4irmy5/a_plane_crashes_in_the_middle_of_the_sahara/
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What is the most offensive coffee to tornado victims?

House blend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4irma0/what_is_the_most_offensive_coffee_to_tornado/
%
A Married Couple

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4irhwv/a_married_couple/
%
what lies dead, a hundred feet in the air?

a dead centipede

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4irh6r/what_lies_dead_a_hundred_feet_in_the_air/
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As a gay male, just once, I wish someone would ask me how I like my coffee.

Them: Hey, how do you like your coffee?
Me: Like I love my men!
Them:  Oh, Black?
Me: No, anally!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4irfzi/as_a_gay_male_just_once_i_wish_someone_would_ask/
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Grape Joke

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iredc/grape_joke/
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What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a really cheap prostitute?

While they both would fuck the entire country for a few million dollars, at least we might have a chance of recovering from the prostitute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4irdlu/whats_the_difference_between_hillary_clinton_and/
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One of the best moments in my life was hearing my wife day "till death do us part."

I wish I would've known she was talking about her legs....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ird3f/one_of_the_best_moments_in_my_life_was_hearing_my/
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King Arthur

is heading off to war, but he’s a bit worried about Guinevere alone in the castle with some rowdy knights.  So he goes to Merlin who shows him a chastity belt.  The problem is it has a large hole in the most important spot.  “This won’t work,” he says.  Just then Merlin takes a stick and inserts it through the hole.  Whap!  A blade comes down and cuts the stick in half.  “Perfect,” he says.  After the King returns he lines up all the knights and makes them drop their britches.  Everyone is missing their most important part…except for Lancelot!  Arthur is so proud he asks Lancelot where he got the restraint, to which Lancelot replies, “I dubbo vat heppn bit dis bwade come down and I wah bweeding all over….”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4irbuw/king_arthur/
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I recently did a survey on Syria.

The results blew me away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ir90y/i_recently_did_a_survey_on_syria/
%
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Steven Hawking after a house fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ir6xw/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_the_stairs/
%
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ir5ii/yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_spill_all_his_scrabble/
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Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
"Ben is in a hurry."
"Ben is in a coma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ir53p/comas_can_really_change_the_meaning_of_a_sentence/
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Want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?

I used to really love tractors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ir4sy/want_to_hear_my_impression_of_an_extractor_fan/
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Wal-Mart

Why are there no Wal-Marts in the middle east?
A: Because there are too many Targets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ir4js/walmart/
%
I'm eating for two

That's why I look like I'm pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ir0nt/im_eating_for_two/
%
Saying that you were touched by Jesus...

...is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqxs5/saying_that_you_were_touched_by_jesus/
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The number kingdom

An evil king, named 121, ruled over his kingdom with an iron fist. He demanded taxation of all his people, each week every family would bring him 2. And each week his strength grew. From 121 to 123, 123 to 125, 127, 129, all the way to 2057183, until he was the strongest in the land. Until one week, the son of a poor farmer came to him.
"My lord, I am the last of my line. My family has withered and starved, and I am all that remains. Please accept my offering in taxes, this is all I can give." The boy was only able to give the king 1.
The evil king, shocked, had the guards take him away. He would decide what to do with him later. Would he get mad? No. He would get even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqwkk/the_number_kingdom/
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Irish Prostitute- An old joke but still a good one!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqvzq/irish_prostitute_an_old_joke_but_still_a_good_one/
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I like my women like my heroin

Smuggled in a tiny box from South East Asia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqtpn/i_like_my_women_like_my_heroin/
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What did the student say to his math teacher after his dog ate part of his homework?

I got 99 problems, but a bitch ate one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqsrc/what_did_the_student_say_to_his_math_teacher/
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What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a hooker with diarrhea?

One has to shuck in between fits... the other has to fuck in between shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqroo/whats_the_difference_between_an_epileptic_corn/
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Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds

John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqq75/lucy_in_the_sky_with_diamonds/
%
My Asian friend tried being white on his Oculus Rift

He said it was a very eye-opening experience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqjgs/my_asian_friend_tried_being_white_on_his_oculus/
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A man walks up to a beautiful woman at a bar...

He asks her, "Excuse me. Would you have sex with a man for a million dollars?" "A million dollars?" she says, "Why yes I suppose I would." "Great," says the man, "here's 37 bucks. Let's find a motel room and get busy." "WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DO YOU THINK I AM?" demands the woman, to which the man replies, "We've already established that. Now we're just haggling over the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqima/a_man_walks_up_to_a_beautiful_woman_at_a_bar/
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If you ever go skydiving and your parachute doesn't open don't worry

You have the rest of your life to fix it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqiba/if_you_ever_go_skydiving_and_your_parachute/
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How can you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

C'mon, it's not hard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqemm/how_can_you_spot_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqcs4/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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My elderly grandfather came over and complained of diarrhea. He repeatedly told everyone "Shh".

It took us a while to realize he'd lost "it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqbbi/my_elderly_grandfather_came_over_and_complained/
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Today I saw a sign that said "watch for children"

Sounds like a fair trade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqb3q/today_i_saw_a_sign_that_said_watch_for_children/
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How many seconds are there in one year?

12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iqafm/how_many_seconds_are_there_in_one_year/
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[GoT Spoiler] Olly really wanted to know how..

Jon came back from the dead, but instead, Jon just left him hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iq8jm/got_spoiler_olly_really_wanted_to_know_how/
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If Al Gore had a band, it'd be called...

The Algorithms.
I'm sooooooooooo sorry for this. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iq4bv/if_al_gore_had_a_band_itd_be_called/
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It's a black guy that invented the triathlon.....

He ran to the pool and came back with a bike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iq113/its_a_black_guy_that_invented_the_triathlon/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iq0nz/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *whack!* "Fuck!"
A skydiver goes "Fuck!" *whack!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iq0hi/whats_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
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Two condoms walk past a gay bar

one turns to the other and says "hey, wanna go in there and get shitfaced"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ipyf2/two_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
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Son: "Dad, did you get shot in the army?"

Dad: "No, I only got shot in the leggy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ipwew/son_dad_did_you_get_shot_in_the_army/
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Cure for a bad temper.

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ipvcf/cure_for_a_bad_temper/
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A joke from kids at my old Sunday School: A man buys a horse...

The woman selling the horse says ''before you ride off with him, you must remember some very important phrases! This horse will not move unless you speak to him ''Thank God''. He will not stop until you say ''Amen''. Only these commands will he act upon, understand?''
The man is confused, but he can remember something as petty as that. He mounts the horse, yells ''Thank God'' and as the old lady said, the horse speeds off.
a long while later, the man and the horse are nearing a very steep cliff, and the man is yelling everything at the horse to make it stop.
''Hold it!''
''Wait!''
''Stop!''
''PLEASE''
Until he finally remembers what the old lady said. With all of his might, he forces the words out of him. ''AMEN'' he bellows.
The horse stops right at the edge of the cliff. A second later and... well... he'd rather not think about that.
Out of breath and fearing for what may have been, he wipes the sweat from his face before muttering something under his breath.
''Oh thank god...''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ipum4/a_joke_from_kids_at_my_old_sunday_school_a_man/
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Did you hear about the blonde that tried to walk around the world?

She drowned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ipttc/did_you_hear_about_the_blonde_that_tried_to_walk/
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What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ipon6/what_lies_at_the_bottom_of_the_sea_and_twitches/
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I once farted in an elevator

it was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ipmyk/i_once_farted_in_an_elevator/
%
Life is like a penis...

Life is like a penis, simple, chilled and free.
It's women who make it hard...
And kids who make it harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ipiw5/life_is_like_a_penis/
%
How do two psychiatrists greet each other?

"You are fine, how am I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ipiqe/how_do_two_psychiatrists_greet_each_other/
%
Who makes more money a drug dealer or a prostitute?

A prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iphxb/who_makes_more_money_a_drug_dealer_or_a_prostitute/
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Why did the hotel refuse hospitality to the Navy?

They didn't want their rooms covered with seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ipgvq/why_did_the_hotel_refuse_hospitality_to_the_navy/
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Warning! Civil War Spoilers!

The Confederates lose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ipfrq/warning_civil_war_spoilers/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

... and table, and a chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ipf5c/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My old guitar teacher was arrested yesterday...

He got caught fingering A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ipeum/my_old_guitar_teacher_was_arrested_yesterday/
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Why is the second traffic citation always easier to read?

Because it's re-fined!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ipa58/why_is_the_second_traffic_citation_always_easier/
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Why was the feminist picnic so bad

Nobody made sandwiches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ip9zo/why_was_the_feminist_picnic_so_bad/
%
I was having sex with this girl, and she said some other guy's name. I was pissed.

Who the fuck is Rape?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ip9z1/i_was_having_sex_with_this_girl_and_she_said_some/
%
What was Jesus favorite games?

Hangman and lacrosse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ip9k3/what_was_jesus_favorite_games/
%
I complained to my wife that I was short staffed at work

She responded "yeah, and you have the same problem at home"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ip7vs/i_complained_to_my_wife_that_i_was_short_staffed/
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Three guys go to a ski lodge

, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ip2cb/three_guys_go_to_a_ski_lodge/
%
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iovy6/why_couldnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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People in wheelchairs just don't get humor.

They never know when you're pulling their leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iovqd/people_in_wheelchairs_just_dont_get_humor/
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well I can clearly see you're nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iosy6/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
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What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
/u/whitefoot /u/thumpas /u/owlve - What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom? A pick pocket snatches watches.
/u/YouKnowWhatYouWant /u/The1WhoKnocks-WW /u/fixitinpost - What's the difference between a tribe of Pygmy warriors and a girls' track team? One's a bunch of cunning runts.
/u/circuituously /u/Bduell1 - What's the difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bath? One's got hope in her soul, the other....
/u/PussyOnRye /u/BluRayVonBismark /u/CptEchoOscar /u/goatkindaguy - What's the difference between a circus and a sorority? One's a cunning array of stunts.....
/u/brucethehoon /u/Harrytrumandorisday /u/dghughes /u/TheGiggleWizard /u/FlyingPhotog /u/deepsoulfunk - What's the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an oyster with epilepsy? One, you shuck between fits, and the other you fuck between shits.
/u/fixitinpost - What's the difference between a lawyer and a defiant rooster? One clucks defiance...
/u/fixitinpost - What's the difference between a kitten having an orgasm and a shish kabob? The shish kabob skews between meats...
/u/sonofstone - What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, the other has a pause at the end of the clause.
/u/bilbo_dragons - What's the difference between a video game console and a glue factory? One's a Sony Playstation and the other's a pony slaystation.
/u/Doses-Mimosas /u/Julfr /u/Jtdollars - What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
/u/Bduell1 - What's the difference between a baby and a choir director? One of them sucks his fingers, and the other one fucks his singers.
/u/dusmeyedin - What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon? A magician's wand is cunning stunts, and a policeman's truncheon is for... apprehending criminals.
/u/Deltethnia - What's the difference between a cyclist and a psychiatrist? On rides on something held together by nuts, the other holds nuts together and takes them for a ride!
/u/jellycube - What's the difference between a good vacuum and the Swiss navy? One sucks and sucks and never fails...
/u/Hingle_McCringleberry - What's the difference between a Metallica concert and a Mike Tyson fight? One leaves a ring in the ears, the other leaves an ear in the ring
/u/moak0 (crediting [Redd Foxx](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z19kt3_Wc54) ) - What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat? A goldfish likes to muck around the fountain.
/u/jorge123 - What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold. One's a sick duck... I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore!
/u/AAT_AAT - What's the difference between a seagull and a baby with diarrhoea? One flits across the shore the other shits across the floor...
*Honorable Mentions:*
/u/jamspangle /u/JacksCologne - There are two types of people in the world; those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.
/u/grandboyman - There are 10 types of people in this world.Those that understand binary and those that don't.
/u/jorge1213 - What's the difference between a lobster and an oriental woman run over by a steamroller? One is a crustacean, the other is a crushed Asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ionxs/whats_the_difference_between_a_sniper_with_bad/
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Hear about the Native American who died from drinking too much tea before bed?

He drowned in his teepee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ion99/hear_about_the_native_american_who_died_from/
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What would you call Macaulay Culkin if he was black?

Homie alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iok85/what_would_you_call_macaulay_culkin_if_he_was/
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All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary...

Joke's on them, so are they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iojll/all_my_friends_keep_saying_that_my_new_girlfriend/
%
Why did the French chef commit suicide?

he lost his huile d'olive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ioeo9/why_did_the_french_chef_commit_suicide/
%
How did Sigmund Freud die?

He slipped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iodor/how_did_sigmund_freud_die/
%
I like playing chess with bald men in the park...

although its hard to find 32 of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ioc2s/i_like_playing_chess_with_bald_men_in_the_park/
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Doctor: You're obese.

Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ioarj/doctor_youre_obese/
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A guy is lying on a field. There's a backpack lying on his back, and a lot of flies are flying around. What's in the backpack?

A parachute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4io5tk/a_guy_is_lying_on_a_field_theres_a_backpack_lying/
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A Priest goes to an Eskimo

Eskimo being far out in the wild did not know about religion and god etc. Priest tells him about god , heaven , hell , good deeds and bad deeds etc etc.
Then he says if you do bad things you will go to hell otherwise heaven.
Eskimo: Ok, But I have already done some bad things, So will I be going to hell.
Priest: Since you did not know about all this, It is fine, you will go to heaven if you do good things from now on.
.
.
.
Eskimo : Then why the fuck did you tell me about all this?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4io471/a_priest_goes_to_an_eskimo/
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Found this one on Wikipedia of all places

Two young women are drinking tea together. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. One of the women opens the door and finds a courier with a big great bouquet of roses. She walks inside and reads to her friend: *"Much love from your boyfriend!"* She immediately groans out: *"You know what this'll mean? This'll mean I'll be lying on my back with my legs spread wide open for the next two weeks!"* To which her friend says, *"Don't you have a vase?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4io31v/found_this_one_on_wikipedia_of_all_places/
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Talking to a blonde at the bar last night (My favorite joke)

So I was at the bar last night and I saw this beautiful blonde woman across the room. I was so enchanted by her super-model like beauty that I walked over and started talking to her. I asked her what she does and she told me that she's a neurosurgeon.
Now I don't know if this makes me sexist, but I was really impressed. Usually, most women can't pull off sarcasm.
Credit: Heard this from the comedian Anthony Jeselnik from his stand up on netflix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4inyd5/talking_to_a_blonde_at_the_bar_last_night_my/
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An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in adjacent rooms of a hotel.

The engineer decides to smoke before he goes to bed, carelessly throws the cigarette into the trashcan, and then goes to sleep. He wakes up about an hour later to see that the trashcan is on fire! So he rises hurriedly, takes some water from the sink, throws it on the fire, and puts it out. Relieved, the engineer goes back to bed and sleeps soundly. But he was too late, and meanwhile, the fire has traveled through a nearby air duct into the physicist's room, lighting his trashcan on fire.
The physicist wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly approximates the volume of the fire, then the volume of water needed to put it out. He takes this amount of water, throws it on the fire, and it works like a charm. So the physicist goes back to bed. But the fire has already traveled into the next room, where the mathematician sleeps.
The mathematician wakes to find that he is in the same predicament as the other two. So he sits up, looks at the fire, looks at the sink, mutters "there is a solution," and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4inxlh/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_a_mathematician_are/
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he  observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.  You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the  second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,  Penny."
He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself  in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the  fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by  the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick,  this guy has no idea  what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4invwr/a_psychiatrist_was_conducting_a_group_therapy/
%
Three childhood friends sign up for the army

And it's their first day, time for assignments.
The drill Sergeant asks the first one. "WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?"
"I like to go sailing!" he replied.
"OK, YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF BOATS!"
The second friend stood up for his turn, and was asked the same question. "I like to fly..."
"OK YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF OUR PLANES!"
The third friend came up and was once again asked what he liked to do. However, he had a stutter so all he could say was "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I"...
The drill sergeant looks at him and replies, "OK, YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF THE MACHINE GUNS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4inv3z/three_childhood_friends_sign_up_for_the_army/
%
What do you call a hard drive in a hydraulic press?

File compression

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4inmxb/what_do_you_call_a_hard_drive_in_a_hydraulic_press/
%
I owe my love of bukkake all to my dad

When I was a child, he really rubbed off on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4injxo/i_owe_my_love_of_bukkake_all_to_my_dad/
%
Did you guys hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

He turned out to be a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4inhbm/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_man_who_survived/
%
Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants.

Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ingni/two_of_trumps_wives_have_been_immigrants/
%
Donald Trump's Library Burned Down...

In a disastrous fire that destroyed Trump's library huge damages were sustained and all his books were lost. The real tragedy is that he hadn't finished coloring one yet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4inen9/donald_trumps_library_burned_down/
%
A blonde Girl wants to tell her two horses apart

She is quite distressed. So the farmer next door says "Why not cut ones tail off" So she does that. The next day the other horse gets its tail cut on barbed wire and it tears off in the same place.
The girl is still distressed and then she cuts ones ear off to tell them apart. Then the other horse gets its ear cut off on barbed wire
Then the farmer next door says you should measure them. The girl does that and is finally happy.
The farmer says how did it go and the girl replies "The white one is 12 inches taller then the black one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4incyb/a_blonde_girl_wants_to_tell_her_two_horses_apart/
%
Parachute for sale

Used once, never opened, small stain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4in98h/parachute_for_sale/
%
Why did Rick Astley get fired from his job at the video store?

Because he refused to rent someone a copy of the Pixar flick "Up".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4in89y/why_did_rick_astley_get_fired_from_his_job_at_the/
%
Today a girl stopped me on the sidewalk and says, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how pretty do you think I am?"

"I'd say you're about the average but I don't want to make this a mean joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4in7p5/today_a_girl_stopped_me_on_the_sidewalk_and_says/
%
Why didn't JFK ever like vodka?

Because he couldn't handle a few shots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4in51j/why_didnt_jfk_ever_like_vodka/
%
Did you hear Peter Dinklage got pickpocketed?

Who would stoop that low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4in4sr/did_you_hear_peter_dinklage_got_pickpocketed/
%
For the love of the Game

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4in3dl/for_the_love_of_the_game/
%
As a kid I was forced to walk the plank...

We couldn't afford a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4imw4p/as_a_kid_i_was_forced_to_walk_the_plank/
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I swallowed a Viagra and it got stuck in my throat...

had a stiff neck for days.
i'm here all week folks.  try the veal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4imvvn/i_swallowed_a_viagra_and_it_got_stuck_in_my_throat/
%
I'm probably moving back to my home country if Trump gets elected.

Not by choice either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4imhmv/im_probably_moving_back_to_my_home_country_if/
%
So a man goes to the doctor

and the doctor believes he may have the dreaded bingo tumour. He says "sir, there is a chance of the tumour being malignant so we will have to run some tests."
They run the tests and a couple of weeks later, the doctor calls him back to his office for the results. The doctor takes him aside and closes the door to deliver the news. "The bad news is that it is definitely a bingo tumour" The man frowns. "What's the good news?" he asks. The doctor looks him dead in the eye and says "It's b9"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4imbrm/so_a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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New Priest

A priest is just about to retire when he meets the priest replacing him, the new priests asks what he should do when taking confessions, as this will be his first day. The former priest gives him a handbook and tells him to use this for the first month or so.
The new priest enters the confession booth and hears a woman's tale about how she witnessed her neighbour underressing. The priest flips through the book and tells her to say 10 Hail Mary's, she agrees and leaves the booth.
Another women enters the booth and tells him that she's been unfaithful to her husband and she feels guilty, he looks through the book and gives her twenty Hail Mary's and to blow out all the candels in the chapel. She agrees and leaves the booth.
A third women enters and tells him that she's given another man a blowjob. He frantically flips through the book but cannot find anything to do with blowjobs. He opens the booth doors and spots an alter boy walking through the corridor. He calls him over and asks "What did Father McDonagh give for blowjobs?" The alter boy replies "$50 and a baseball".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4im81t/new_priest/
%
My wife always insults me during sex, calling me a joke.

Well the joke's on her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4im7ir/my_wife_always_insults_me_during_sex_calling_me_a/
%
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4im6av/q_which_sexual_position_produces_the_ugliest/
%
Remember when we cried as kids and our parents said, "I'll give you something to cry about"

We thought they were going to hit us but instead they destroyed the housing market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4im38i/remember_when_we_cried_as_kids_and_our_parents/
%
Why do people never eat clocks?

Because it’s really time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4im0ad/why_do_people_never_eat_clocks/
%
How did Micro-soft get it's name?

Because Bill Gates has a 3.5 inch floppy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ilzxt/how_did_microsoft_get_its_name/
%
People always call me unattractive until they see my wallet...

then they call me poor too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ilwhj/people_always_call_me_unattractive_until_they_see/
%
Sean Connery walks into a bar

. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ils8t/sean_connery_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My best friend died in a freak boiling water accident.

He will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ilrc3/my_best_friend_died_in_a_freak_boiling_water/
%
A Man Goes In For His Annual Check-Up With The Doctor

The doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating"
The Man Asks "Why"
The Doctor Replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ilqq4/a_man_goes_in_for_his_annual_checkup_with_the/
%
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ilp89/why_dont_you_ever_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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Don't mean to brag, but......

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ilnxd/dont_mean_to_brag_but/
%
A man walks into a drug store...

And asks the druggist for two boxes of condoms. The druggist asks "do you need a paper bag with that?" To which the man replies "hell no, she's good looking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ilixl/a_man_walks_into_a_drug_store/
%
A polar bear walks in to a bar...

He sits down and the bar tender asks what he would like.
The polar bear says: " I'll have a..."
...
...
...
Bartender says: "a Burger?"
PB: ...
...
...
...
BT: "Some wings?"
PB: ...
...
...
PB: "a beer".
The bartender asks "why the long pause?'
The polar bear raises his arms and says "I was born with them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ilgwl/a_polar_bear_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
How did the pastry chef do on the donut-making exam?

She passed with frying crullers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4il9st/how_did_the_pastry_chef_do_on_the_donutmaking_exam/
%
An old man..

A little boy, a lawyer along with the pilot were on a plane flying high over a forest when suddenly the engines die and the wings break off from the plane. The pilot comes running from the cockpit yelling "the plane is crashing! We only have 3 parachutes so someone is going to have to stay on!" Upon hearing this the lawyer took the first parachute in his immediate vision and jumped off, he was followed by the pilot. When the little boy was about to jump he saw the old man crying so he asked him what's wrong. The old man said "I'm going to die, there are no more parachutes" the boy ran to the back of the plane found a parachute and gave it to him. Surprised the old man asked him how he got a 4th parachute when there were only 3, The boy replied "the lawyer took my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4il2oo/an_old_man/
%
A businessman had been away from home for a looooong time.

So, he goes to a brothel and tells the head madam: Listen, I'll give you $200 if you find me a decent girl who can give me an average fuck. The madam told him that for that amount of money she would get him a hot girl who would give him a helluva fuck to which the businessman says: but you don't understand. I'm not horny. I'm just homesick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4il1ge/a_businessman_had_been_away_from_home_for_a/
%
My sex-life is like a Ferrari,

I don't have a Ferrari

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ikx3u/my_sexlife_is_like_a_ferrari/
%
I knew I could convince my wife to get an Abortion...

All she needed was a shove in the right direction... and a set of stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ikwtx/i_knew_i_could_convince_my_wife_to_get_an_abortion/
%
Why are monsters hipsters?

Because they've been coming out of the closet since before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iktrc/why_are_monsters_hipsters/
%
My wife and I walked past a fancy restaurant

She said "Ohh , something smells nice"
So I decided to treat her - I let her walk past it a second time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iksl2/my_wife_and_i_walked_past_a_fancy_restaurant/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iksjm/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers

Will make your car look fucking stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ikqzj/warning_game_of_thrones_spoilers/
%
3 Men Meet In Heaven

3 Men meet in heaven with God. God tells the men that they must tell how they died before they can go to heaven. The first man says,
"I was driving to work, and all of a sudden, I suspected that my wife was cheating on me, so I drove straight to my apartment, and found my wife naked in bed. I looked everywhere to find a man hiding, and I couldn't find him. I got so mad that I picked up my fridge, and threw it out the window and died of a heart attack."
The second man says, "That's nothing, I was just taking my daily walk around the city, when all of a sudden, a fridge came from the sky and crushed me!"
The two men and god finally look at the third man and ask how he died. The third man says, "Alright, so I was hiding in a fridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ikqfy/3_men_meet_in_heaven/
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Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.

After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ikqef/husband_always_insisted_on_making_love_in_the_dark/
%
Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ikoud/why_do_women_fake_orgasms/
%
My buddy tells me he doesn't take criticism too well.

I told him he should really work on that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iknry/my_buddy_tells_me_he_doesnt_take_criticism_too/
%
Q.How do we know there are so many environmentalists on reddit?

A. Because everyone keep recycling the same jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ikg1v/qhow_do_we_know_there_are_so_many/
%
What do you call a collection of memes?

A memeoir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ikd9t/what_do_you_call_a_collection_of_memes/
%
Late Night Political Jokes

"Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, 'Donald Trump.'" Jimmy Fallon
"They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'" David Letterman
"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote." Seth Meyers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ikap4/late_night_political_jokes/
%
What type of car did Yoda eat?

A BMW i8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ik9q4/what_type_of_car_did_yoda_eat/
%
What's long, hard, black, wet, and full of seamen?

A submarine, you dirty fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ik9e8/whats_long_hard_black_wet_and_full_of_seamen/
%
A guy dies and goes to hell.

Satan welcomes him warmly and shakes his hand. He is given the keys to a gorgeous apartment, where he finds a brand new set of golf clubs, and a membership to the ritzy Hades Golf Club. He has servants to look after his every need.
In the garage is a brand new sports car and the fridge is stocked with beer, and wonderful food. A large screen television has all the sports channels he is used to and free movies.
One day, after weeks of enjoying all the amenities, he opens up the cellar door.
Down below, he sees thousands of souls being tormented in fire and brimstone, and being tortured in unthinkable ways.
He goes to see Satan immediately, and tells him what he saw.
Satan immediately apologizes, saying: "I am so sorry you had to see all that. You see, that is where the Catholics stay and they wouldn't have it any other way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ik80a/a_guy_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
A panda walks into a bar

sits down and asks the bartender for food.  after eating, gets up, takes out a gun and kills the bartender.  as he is leaving, a shocked onlooker asks him "why did you do that?"  and he answers "Hey.  I'm a Panda.  It's what I do."
in confusion, they look it up in an encyclopedia.
Panda.  Mammal. Eats shoots and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ik7xq/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What does a blonde playing the drums sound like?

Dumb chick dumb chick dumb chick...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ik5pd/what_does_a_blonde_playing_the_drums_sound_like/
%
A doctor walks into a bank

to make a deposit. When he goes to sign the check, he realizes he's scribbling with a thermometer.
"Oh, that's great," he says. "Some asshole's got my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ik2fx/a_doctor_walks_into_a_bank/
%
If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijwo5/if_a_woman_drinks_two_glasses_of_wine_a_day_it/
%
Whats the difference between a porsche and an erection?

I dont have a porsche.
(Best told by whispering in someones ear.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijwi3/whats_the_difference_between_a_porsche_and_an/
%
I'm often accused of being condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijrv9/im_often_accused_of_being_condescending/
%
[GOT SPOILER] Why shouldn't you ask Jon Snow what time it is?

Because his watch has ended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijrno/got_spoiler_why_shouldnt_you_ask_jon_snow_what/
%
Little Johnny and the neighbor

Little Johnny is in his room when his mother enters.
"Johnny," she said, "Tonight we're going to the neighbor's house for dinner. They've just had a baby and we're going to have dinner and then see the newborn."
"Okay, mommy," Little Johnny replied.
"Now listen," said his mother, "The baby was born without ears. I don't want you making and jokes about ears or missing ears or not hearing things. If you do, you'll be grounded for a month!"
"Okay, mommy," Little Johnny said with a note of disappointment in his voice.
So they went over and had a lovely, 3-course meal. Little Johnny was extremely well-behaved and his mother was very proud of him.
After finishing supper, they made their way into the nursery to see the baby. He was sleeping soundly in his crib.
Little Johnny stood on his tiptoes, his fingers curled around the bars of the crib, eyeing the baby with intense curiosity. The baby's mother noticed Johnny's interest and smiled.
"What do you think of the baby, Johnny?" she asked.
"Oh miss! Your baby is just lovely."
"Why thank you!" the new mother beamed.
"No, no. I mean it," Johnny said, "He's got lovely hands, lovely feet, lovely eyes. Does he see okay?"
"Why yes," the mother smiled, "The doctor says he'll be blessed with perfect 20/20 vision."
"That's a relief," said Johnny, "Because if he needed glasses, he'd be fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijr03/little_johnny_and_the_neighbor/
%
Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijqrg/dating_when_your_30_is_like_finding_a_seat_at_a/
%
Where does Hillary Clinton eat at to appeal to Asian voters?

Pander Express.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijqgc/where_does_hillary_clinton_eat_at_to_appeal_to/
%
Is Google male or female?

Female, because it knows everything, and secretly tracks your activity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijq5e/is_google_male_or_female/
%
I have been try to come up with a funny joke about leeches.

I couldn't because they all suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijn4a/i_have_been_try_to_come_up_with_a_funny_joke/
%
I need to get my spine removed..

It's been holding me back my whole life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijkyr/i_need_to_get_my_spine_removed/
%
How many white people does it take to replace a light bulb?

One to hold the bulb, and the rest to screw the whole world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijkxr/how_many_white_people_does_it_take_to_replace_a/
%
Timmy Loves Picnics!

Timmy loves picnics. Picnics are his favorite thing in the world. One day, after Timmy gets some good grades in school, his parents say, “Timmy, we’re going on a picnic!” and Timmy was so happy because Timmy loves picnics!
So they get everything together. They get the blanket, the basket, some sandwiches, chips, salted nuts, and some nice cold sodas in the cooler. Now, Timmy’s family lives in California, and do you know where families go on picnics in California if they don’t live near the beach? The redwood forest! Where else? So Timmy and his family drive to the mighty redwood forest. Timmy’s excitement is really growing now, because Timmy loves picnics! They park their car and hike in a small distance until they find a nice shady meadow, but not too shady. A meadow shady enough that you can feel the warmth of the sun, but you’re not blinded by it.
Timmy’s parents roll out the blanket and start on some delicious sandwiches. They crack open some nice, cold sodas. Timmy is so happy, because Timmy loves picnics! WHEN SUDDENLY! A BEAR! A GRIZZLY BEAR! COMES ROARING THROUGH THE FOREST AND STARTS MAULING TIMMY’S PARENTS TO DEATH! THE BEAR BITES HIS MOTHER IN THE NECK, AND RIPS OUT HER JUGGULAR VEIN! HER BLOOD SPLATTERS ALL OVER TIMMY! IT GRABS HIS FATHER, ONE PAW ON HIS TORSO, THE OTHER PAW ON HIS THIGH, AND RIPS THE FATHER IN HALF.
With his dying words his father says, “Timmy, run!” So Timmy runs through the forest, he runs for what feels like an eternity until his legs give out and he can run no more. He falls from exhaustion amongst the pine needles. As he lay there, still covered in his mother’s blood, he begins to question his love of picnics. After a short while he gets up, and he looks around. Scanning the horizon he spots a small ranger station in the distance, he slowly makes his way over. As little Timmy bursts trough the screen door of the ranger station he cries out, “My parents! The bear! It killed them!” The ranger, a large man in every sense, gets up. The ranger walks over to Timmy, unzips his pants, “Boy, this just ain’t your day.”
TL;DR: Timmy got molested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijfx4/timmy_loves_picnics/
%
A Horse Walks Into A Bar

And the bartender says "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijesy/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My wife just said "I'm pregnant!"

I said "Hi pregnant, I'm dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijcsj/my_wife_just_said_im_pregnant/
%
What's Forrest Gump's Password?

1FORREST1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijcfe/whats_forrest_gumps_password/
%
I bet you want to hear a ghost joke right?

Thats the spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijb6s/i_bet_you_want_to_hear_a_ghost_joke_right/
%
What has 3 legs and 3 eyes?

Three pirates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ijb6n/what_has_3_legs_and_3_eyes/
%
My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."
I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ij9rp/my_girlfriend_threatened_to_break_up_with_me/
%
Whats the best part of having sex with a transgender?

When you are hitting it from the back and go for the reach around, it feels like it went all the way through

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ij9ib/whats_the_best_part_of_having_sex_with_a/
%
A salesman came to my door and tried to sell me a coffin.

"Nah, thats the last thing I'll need"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ij9c0/a_salesman_came_to_my_door_and_tried_to_sell_me_a/
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My doctor gave me a prescription of daily sex

My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ij8sv/my_doctor_gave_me_a_prescription_of_daily_sex/
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A military cargo plane...

... flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down.  The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.  So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.  They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle.  “More!” he cries again.  They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport.  They get into a jeep and drive off.  Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying.  They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!” They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder.  Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!” They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically.  They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ij8ob/a_military_cargo_plane/
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Doctor Discharge.

A woman says to the doctor.
"Hey Doc, the last couple of days I've been having some sort of discharge."
"Alright, well lets take a look. Take off your pants and lay on the bed."
The doctor inserts a finger into her vagina and says
"Ok, how does that feel?"
The woman says
"It feels great, but the discharge is coming from my ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ij6ym/doctor_discharge/
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I think my girlfriend's love for Einstein's theories is driving us away from each other.

But, hey. I'll be a good guy and understand if she just wants some time and space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ij6ye/i_think_my_girlfriends_love_for_einsteins/
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What's long and hard on a black guy

His prison sentence
I hope this hasn't been said before, I half came up with this all by my lonesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ij6q8/whats_long_and_hard_on_a_black_guy/
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A couple is taking a walk in Berlin

Suddenly, it starts raining.
The two start arguing over whether it's raining or hailing.
"Let's ask that Communist officer over there! He might know if it's raining!", the wife suggests.
They go up to him and notice that his nametag says that his name is Olf. "It's raining, dummies, now go away!", he says.
The wife, who said it was raining, smirks and tells her husband:
"Rude Olf the Red knows rain, dear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ij2wh/a_couple_is_taking_a_walk_in_berlin/
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What do you call a person with native american ancestry and alopecia?

apache

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ij0ti/what_do_you_call_a_person_with_native_american/
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What's got two eyes, but can't see, two wings, but can't fly, and two legs, but can't walk?

A dead bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iiyn6/whats_got_two_eyes_but_cant_see_two_wings_but/
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What's the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?

One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iix8h/whats_the_difference_between_a_trump_voter_and_a/
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NEW study shows that Birthdays are good for your health

Statistics show that people who have more birthdays, live the longest!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iiqx2/new_study_shows_that_birthdays_are_good_for_your/
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I passed out drunk at a party and I woke up to some random dude blowing me....

I yell at him angrily "As soon as you're finished, I'm kicking your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iiquc/i_passed_out_drunk_at_a_party_and_i_woke_up_to/
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Never marry a drummer...

they beat things for a living.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iip1t/never_marry_a_drummer/
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Jim and Joe are digging a ditch...

They've been at it for weeks. Every morning they arrive with their shovel and get to digging. One day, Jim arrives with nothing but a stick.
"Where's your shovel?" Joe asks.
"Sure does!" Jim replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iip01/jim_and_joe_are_digging_a_ditch/
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How do you help a choking pig?

With the Ham-Lick maneuver of course

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iinzk/how_do_you_help_a_choking_pig/
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Don't be stingy when it comes to getting a circumcision.

I got one cheap and it was a total rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iijc6/dont_be_stingy_when_it_comes_to_getting_a/
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What do you call an alien that's also a pedophile?

An Extramolestrial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iifzw/what_do_you_call_an_alien_thats_also_a_pedophile/
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When she found out he worked in technical support, it really turned her on.

Then he turned her off. Then he turned her on again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iicfz/when_she_found_out_he_worked_in_technical_support/
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My cat had a hairball caught in her throat

It was awful, she couldn't get it out. She'd wander around hacking, trying to get it out. I chatted with a vet about this and he suggested i put vaseline on her front paws.  I...uh what?  He explained further - vaseline is a  non-toxic lubricant. If you put it on her paws, cats hate the feeling and will do the only thing they can do - lick it off. The vaseline will coat the throat and allow the hairball to get out.
I just stared at him for a minute before saying - that sounds incredibly logical, I'll try it.  Sure enough, a week later, she started hacking. I applied some vaseline and she gave me the death stare as she licked it off. But it worked and she got the hairball up and out.  Fantastic!  I repeated the process as needed over the next few weeks and it worked every time. But she hated it every time.
Yesterday, she started hacking. She looked at me. I looked at her, and like a rocket - she's running away from me.  I take off after her, she runs though an open door - my neighbour, a nice grandmother is sitting on her porch - all she sees is my cat running across the laws, me chasing her with a jar of vaseline going 'here kitty kitty'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iica3/my_cat_had_a_hairball_caught_in_her_throat/
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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says, "I have a big chest, maybe I have the biggest chest in the world!" The third guys says, "I have a small dick, maybe I have the smallest dick in the world!" So they each submit their applications to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters. A week later, the book is published, and they all gather around to see the results. The first guy opens the book and says, "Hey look! I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy looks and says "Wow! I can't believe I have the biggest chest in the world!" And the third guys looks and says, "...Who the fuck is [insert name of one of the listeners]?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ii2th/the_best_joke_to_tell_at_parties/
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I'm not exactly sure who Pavlov is...

But the name does ring a bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ii1vo/im_not_exactly_sure_who_pavlov_is/
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how did I escape iraq

iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ii0fp/how_did_i_escape_iraq/
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So yet another snake walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender,
"Gimme a shot of Jack!"
"No sir."
"Well why not?" The snake said.
"You can't hold your liquor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ihxrp/so_yet_another_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
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A friend in need

On a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely
walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.
At last ( when almost everyone had left) he pulled out of the parking lot & started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy.  They all got away!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ihxoo/a_friend_in_need/
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TIFU: I was called in to teach 6th grade math but ended up teaching 8th grade english

Sorry, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ihwxh/tifu_i_was_called_in_to_teach_6th_grade_math_but/
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I think my girlfriend wants it in the ear....

because every time I try to stick it in her mouth she turns her head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ihwhn/i_think_my_girlfriend_wants_it_in_the_ear/
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My vegan friend asked me if I've met his new girlfriend

I said I've never seen herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iht0l/my_vegan_friend_asked_me_if_ive_met_his_new/
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Why were Indians the first people in America?

Because they had reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ihqx7/why_were_indians_the_first_people_in_america/
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Duke!

A guy invites his Gf to meet his parents
During dinner she has gas but a stroke
Of good luck has put the family dog directly at her feet.
So without delay she let's out a loud squeak.
"Duke." The father says in a stern voice.
Feeling relieved, she decides to let the rest out and be done with it.
Once more she let's out another small but loud rumble.
"DUKE!", the father exclaims.
Finally she just lets loose an unholy ass cannon of a ripper.
And finally....
" DUKE GET OVER HERE BEFORE SHE SHITS ON YOU!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ihpik/duke/
%
Some nights I just lie down and stare up at the stars and I wonder

what happened to my roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ihnvc/some_nights_i_just_lie_down_and_stare_up_at_the/
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A towel walks into a bar...

He orders a drink, and says "I'll have it dry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ihjje/a_towel_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My wife asked me to hand her a tube of lipstick, but I mistakenly handed her a tube of Super Glue

Now she won't talk to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ihj0q/my_wife_asked_me_to_hand_her_a_tube_of_lipstick/
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So 2 men are caught doing drugs...

When they are brought to court, the judge says to both of them, "Return in 2 weeks, if both of you are able to convince 100 people that drugs are bad, I'll let you off going to prison and instead you'll do community service."
The 2 men go off and return in 2 weeks. The Judge goes to first man, "How many people did you convince drugs were bad?" "200" he says. "How did you do that?" the judge questions, "I used 2 circles, the large one was your brain before drugs, and the small one was your brain after drugs."
She goes to the second man, "How many people did you convince?" "12000" he replies. "How on Earth did you do that!?" She questions, " Well I used 2 circles too" he begins, "the small one was your asshole before prison, the large one was your asshole after prison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ihiih/so_2_men_are_caught_doing_drugs/
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Three guys are lined up to be executed by handgun.

The executioner ask the first one, "Any last words?"
"Tornado!" He exclaims, pointing behind the executioner, who turns around in terror. While the executioner is distracted, he runs away.
So the executioner moves on the the next guy. "Any last words?"
"Tsunami!" He yelled, pointing towards the nearby seashore. Again, the executioner turns around and the second guy gets away.
Frustrated, the executioner goes the the last guy. "Any last words?"
"Fire!"
So the executioner shoots him in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ihct8/three_guys_are_lined_up_to_be_executed_by_handgun/
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I went to get my physical today and, of course, the doctor was a beautiful woman...

She said, "Well, you will have to stop masturbating."
I said, "Wait, but why?"
"So I can start the examination," she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ih6lm/i_went_to_get_my_physical_today_and_of_course_the/
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What's the best way to serve Turkey?

Join the Turkish Army.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ih5j0/whats_the_best_way_to_serve_turkey/
%
An Xbox One got into a fight with a PS4

The ambulance came. Wii U Wii U Wii U.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ih52z/an_xbox_one_got_into_a_fight_with_a_ps4/
%
Friends are like ants

if you burn them, they die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ih4ek/friends_are_like_ants/
%
A mounted policeman stops his horse next to a little girl and her tricycle.

He leans over the side of the horse, and says "That's a nice trike, did Santa give it to you for Christmas?". The little girl proudly says yes. "Well, it looks like he forgot to give you a helmet too," the policeman says, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
At this point, the little girl is royally pissed, so she sweetly says to the policeman "I like your horse, did Santa give that to YOU for Christmas?". The policeman jokingly says yes. The little girl looks him straight in the eye, and says "Well, it looks like he made a mistake; the dick goes under the horse, not on top."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ih3ta/a_mounted_policeman_stops_his_horse_next_to_a/
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As someone who didn't win a lot of awards, I enjoyed going to the dentist

it was one of the few times I was recognized by plaque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ih3ly/as_someone_who_didnt_win_a_lot_of_awards_i/
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What is a difference between Jesus and a Picture of Jesus?

It takes one nail to hang a picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ih2rl/what_is_a_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?

None!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ih16v/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
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My wife asked me what her favorite type of flower was.

Apparently "All-Purpose" wasn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4igzgt/my_wife_asked_me_what_her_favorite_type_of_flower/
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How did the elephant get into the room?

We don't talk about it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4igzfk/how_did_the_elephant_get_into_the_room/
%
What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?

Christian Bail
Credit goes to my friendly local pizza guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4igvyn/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_leaves_church/
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What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on my organ
My dad told me this joke when I was 5, I finally understood it 19 years later. Hope it doesn't take you that long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4igvxn/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
People keep asking what I thought of my Oklahoma trip

It was OK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4igtcl/people_keep_asking_what_i_thought_of_my_oklahoma/
%
Did you know: if you put your ear upon a stranger's leg...

...you can hear them saying "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4igt5w/did_you_know_if_you_put_your_ear_upon_a_strangers/
%
I hate being bi-polar...

It's awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4igs1f/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
How do lesbian carpenters work?

No studs. All tongue in groove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4igqhh/how_do_lesbian_carpenters_work/
%
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand...

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "make me one with everything".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4igmtg/a_buddhist_walks_up_to_a_hot_dog_stand/
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I've been reading the most interesting book on the history of superglue

I just can't put it down ......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4igktp/ive_been_reading_the_most_interesting_book_on_the/
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Religion or science?

Science flies you to the moon,
Religion flies you into buildings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4igigs/religion_or_science/
%
Why was Hitler a great comedian?

Cuz you can't spell slaughter without laughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ighpy/why_was_hitler_a_great_comedian/
%
If the opposite of PRO is CON,

then what is the opposite of progress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ighov/if_the_opposite_of_pro_is_con/
%
I recently started dating a woman in a wheelchair, and I stood her up.

Not surprisingly that's when she fell for me...and you know what, it became a bit of a drag...but now we're on a roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4igdof/i_recently_started_dating_a_woman_in_a_wheelchair/
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In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4igcv9/in_surgery_for_a_heart_attack_a_middleaged_woman/
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What happens when you cross Islam with Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4igbq5/what_happens_when_you_cross_islam_with_capitalism/
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ig9rk/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi/
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As a gay dude, having a boyfriend with a small penis gets me down sometimes.

But I try to stay positive - I'm an ass half full kind of guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ig8nt/as_a_gay_dude_having_a_boyfriend_with_a_small/
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What is a tragedy?

During one of his campaign trips Donald Trump is visiting an elementary school and goes into one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word “Tragedy.”  So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted businessman. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.  Mr. Trump searches the room.
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room, a boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaims Mr. Trump, “That’s absolutely right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ig8ju/what_is_a_tragedy/
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What's the best part about banging twenty two year olds?

There's twenty of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ig1rf/whats_the_best_part_about_banging_twenty_two_year/
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What do you call an arranged marriage between two communists who don't like each other?

A so-be-it union.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ig1dk/what_do_you_call_an_arranged_marriage_between_two/
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In the spirit of mother's day

Roses are Red
Violets are blue
Pornhub is down
Your moms facebook will do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ig0ce/in_the_spirit_of_mothers_day/
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A joke for the Irish.

A man gets a job in a pub in a tiny village in the nack of nowhere in Ireland. On his first night there an old farmer comes in and asks for 3 pints of Guinness. The barman pulls the pints and watches him drink them slowly, one after the other. When he finishes he asks for another 3 pints. This goes on all night until the barman finally says "You know, you'd be better off getting one at a time so they stay fresh". The old farmer replies "Shur I know that. But I have a brother in New York and another in New Zealand and they both do the same thing. We used always come in jere together of a Friday, so we keep up the tradition". The barman, touched, happily agrees to keep up the tradition with him.
So it goes until one day, many months later, the old farmer orders only 2 pints. The barman is shocked. He wonders which of the brothers dies but doesn't want to put him on the spot in front of everyone. At the end of the night, with everyone else gone home, the barman finally says "I'm sorry for your loss. Which one of your brothers has passed on", and the old man replies "It's not that, at all. Shur I'm off the drink".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ifvoc/a_joke_for_the_irish/
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There's a new show on Broadway based on the dictionary

It's a play on words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iftsv/theres_a_new_show_on_broadway_based_on_the/
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Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ifsjp/why_are_european_cars_the_lightest/
%
My sister asked me to take off her clothes

So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
and so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ifqig/my_sister_asked_me_to_take_off_her_clothes/
%
Did you hear about that new lesbian reversal medicine?

It's called Trycoxagin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ifmzv/did_you_hear_about_that_new_lesbian_reversal/
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2 Italian men....

So 2 Italian men walk into a bus after it stops. They sit behind a lady who tries not to listen to their conversation but is curious. One says "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses dey come together. Den I come again. Two asses they come together again. Then I come and pee twice. Then I come again." The woman then says aloud "You foul-mouthed swines! In America, we don't talk about our sex lives in public! "Hey cool down lady," the Italian said. "Imma just trying to tell my friend how to spell Mississippi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iflep/2_italian_men/
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Yo mamma is so ugly

when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ifk7m/yo_mamma_is_so_ugly/
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Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ifghv/why_do_mermaids_wear_seashells/
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What did 50 cent's grandma say to him when he gave her a hand woven scarf for mother's day?

G u knit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ifft6/what_did_50_cents_grandma_say_to_him_when_he_gave/
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What's the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go to the store without Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4if9vz/whats_the_difference_between_batman_and_a_black/
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A man and wife go to a dance club

and there is a guy on the dance floor giving it hell. Breakdancing, doing back flips, moon walking, the works. Wife says "See that guy ? Fifteen years ago, he asked me to marry him, but I turned him down." Husband replies, "Yeah, and it looks like he's still celebrating !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4if931/a_man_and_wife_go_to_a_dance_club/
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Two fish are sitting in a tank..

first fish says how do you drive this thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4if6ua/two_fish_are_sitting_in_a_tank/
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I have created a new Word!

plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4if67s/i_have_created_a_new_word/
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Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman?

It takes too long to hollow out her head.
(I got this one from my uncle)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4if5po/why_is_it_quicker_to_build_a_snowman_than_a/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4if19v/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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How does an ant put on a tie?

With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ieua1/how_does_an_ant_put_on_a_tie/
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A man is getting into the shower

just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.  Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."  After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.  The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.  When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.  "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iesob/a_man_is_getting_into_the_shower/
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There is a bible book all about beer...

Its called Hebrews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ieq7b/there_is_a_bible_book_all_about_beer/
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Three construction workers are sitting down for lunch on the roof.....

The first construction workers says, "I swear to god if my wife packed me another bologna sandwich I'm going to kill my self by jumping off this roof." He opens his lunch and there is a bologna sandwich. He goes and jumps off the roof.
The second construction worker says, "If my wife packed me cold pizza for lunch again I'm going to kill my self by jumping off this roof." He opens his lunch and there's cold pizza. He goes and jumps off the roof.
The third construction worker says to himself, "If my wife packed me a fish sandwich I too will jump off this roof and kill my self." He opens his lunch and there is a fish sandwich. He follows suite and jumps off and kills himself.
Later on the three wives meet at the cemetery after the funerals.
The wife of the first construction worker says while crying, "If only I would have packed him a turkey sandwich he would still be here with me."
The wife of the second construction worker is also crying. "If only I would have packed him meatloaf instead he would still be here."
The third wife is just standing there looking frustrated with a more confused look. The other two look at her and ask her why she isn't crying and wishing she packed his lunch a different way.
"Don't look at me the dumbass packs his own lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ielf7/three_construction_workers_are_sitting_down_for/
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If you haven't had a vagina around your neck...

You haven't lived.
Happy Mother's Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iekgn/if_you_havent_had_a_vagina_around_your_neck/
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A dad and his son are walking through the park

A dad and his 4 year old son are walking through the park.
While on their stroll they see two dogs humping by a tree
The son looks at his dad and asks, "Daddy? What are those two dogs doing?" The dad pauses for a minute and responds, "Well, you see, they are...uh...making a puppy." The son understands and they continue on their walk.
That night there is a big thunderstorm. The kid gets scared and runs into his parents room. When he walks in, his parents are getting it on. The son asks, "Daddy? What are you and Mommy doing?". The parents caught off guard stop, and the Dad sits up on the side of the bed and says, "You see, Son, your mom and I are uh...making you a little brother."
The 4 year old exclaims, "Well turn her over! I want a puppy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ieepz/a_dad_and_his_son_are_walking_through_the_park/
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Blue seal

This penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices the oil pressure light is on so he drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "no no, it's just ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ieam6/blue_seal/
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My friend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ie86h/my_friend_told_me_to_stop_pretending_to_be_a/
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Two men are filming a documentary in Western Africa with a local tribe

The two men notice that all of the adult males in the tribe have the biggest penises they've ever seen!. This intrigues both of them until the very last day of filming when they both get the courage to ask the leader of the tribe what they do to get huge chodes. The leader of the tribe tells them "We tie a stone on the penis after birth and when they are adults... we take it off..."The two men are very excited and get an idea on the plane back that they'll try the tribal method and keep each other up to date. One day, two days and a week go by with no results but after two weeks the first man wakes up, looks down his pants... and there it is. He rushes to the phone and calls the second guy. The first guy says "I'M HALFWAY THERE!" The second guy says "What? Are you ten inches long?" to which the first guy replies "NO! BUT IT'S TURNED BLACK!)
All credit to my uncle Louie for this dank joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ie5yr/two_men_are_filming_a_documentary_in_western/
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A John gets crabs from a 10$ hooker...

he goes back to complain, and the hooker tells him "what did you expect for 10$, lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ie5sy/a_john_gets_crabs_from_a_10_hooker/
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What do you call the space in between Pamela Anderson's breasts?

**Silicon Valley**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ie50l/what_do_you_call_the_space_in_between_pamela/
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Jewish jokes

(Just a few of my favorites)
A man is getting ready to get married to a very Orthodox wife, and he goes to her rabbi for help. He's recently converted and very unfamiliar with Jewish weddings.
"Rabbi, for the wedding, do I sit with my wife?"
"No, the men sit with the men and the women sit with the women."
"Okay, can I dance with my wife?"
"No, the men dance with the men and the women dance with the women."
"Okay Rabbi, a few questions about sex... Can we do it missionary position? Like, man on woman?"
"We don't call it that, but yes, that's fine."
"How about cowgirl style? Woman on top of man?" The rabbi scratches his chin.
"A little kinky, but there's nothing in the Torah against it."
"How about standing up?"
"Absolutely not, that could lead to dancing."
--
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .
Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all
around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. "I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole countrywould be cleared of Jews but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
--
There was a little old Jewish man who was having a bit of trouble below the belt. His wife told him to see what was wrong, and after a lot of nudging he finally went to the doctor, and was surprised when the doctor told him he had syphilis. As he sat on the bus on the way home, he turned the word over in his head, he had never heard it before.
When he got home, his wife said, "Nu, Hymie, what did the doctor say?"
Hymie shrugged and said, "I'm not sure. He said it was syphilis, but I'm not sure what that is."
"Wait- I'll go look it up."
Hymie's wife checks the dictionary and returns to the room. She pats him on the back."We have nothing to worry about. It's a disease of the Gentiles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ie3b6/jewish_jokes/
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An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman apply to join MI6

The Englishman comes in for his interview and it goes really well, he has a glowing record in the Army and is a perfect fit for the job.
At the end the interviewer asks him "Who do you love more, your country or your wife?"
The Englishman replies "My country of course!"
"OK" says the interviewer, "go through to the next room and shoot your wife" and he hands the Englishman a 9mm pistol.
The Englishman takes the pistol and walks through to the next room, lo and behold is wife is there sitting at a table.
He thinks back to all the years he has been married, how she has stuck with him through thick and thin throughout his military career. He goes back to the interviewer and hands over the gun, "I cannot do it, I love her too much".
The Scotsman comes in for his interview and it goes brilliantly, he has an amazing record in the Navy and is a perfect fit for the job.
At the end the interviewer asks him "Who do you love more, your country or your wife?"
The Scotsman replies "My country of course!"
"OK" says the interviewer, "go through to the next room and shoot your wife" and he hands the Scotsman a 9mm pistol.
The Scotsman takes the pistol and walks through to the next room, lo and behold is wife is there sitting at a table.
He thinks back to all the years she has stuck by him, on long deployments in the Navy, she has always been there for him when he returns. He goes back to the interviewer and hands over the gun, "I cannot do it, I love her too much".
The Englishman and the Scotsman are in the waiting room and they see the Irishman go in for his interview. After a while they suddenly hear loud noises:
BANG! BANG! BANG!
a pause and then:
THUD! THUD! THUD! ... THUD!
A few seconds later the Irishman staggers out of the interview room covered in blood.
The Englishman ans Scotsman shout at him "WHAT HAPPENED?!"
The Irishman replies "Some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I beat her to death with the chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4idy9i/an_englishman_irishman_and_a_scotsman_apply_to/
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I bought Nickelback's greatest hits

And it was just a blank CD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4idrzh/i_bought_nickelbacks_greatest_hits/
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Two Twins

constantly tell jokes to each other every day. They grow up to be world famous comedians. An interviewer asks one of the twins when did they first begin to tell jokes. The comedians responds, "Me and my twin would tell jokes to each other in the womb!" The interviewer responds "Oh really, what was one of your first jokes?" The comedian says, "You won't get it, it's an inside joke."
(10/10 Jokes m8)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4idrfh/two_twins/
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Dear necessity, happy mothers day!

-Invention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4idqxg/dear_necessity_happy_mothers_day/
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How does a racist joke start?

With a small loan of a million dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4idqsf/how_does_a_racist_joke_start/
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A Man "Walks in" on his son.

A man walks in on his son and finds him jerking off. The father looked at his son and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind!" The boy looked backed at his dad and said "Dad, i'm over here."
(I heard a comedian tell this joke but I don't remember who.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4idol9/a_man_walks_in_on_his_son/
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What is a better name for cows?

Lawn mooers!
My 12 year old sister made this up... She out dad joked me..and I'm a dad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4idn4d/what_is_a_better_name_for_cows/
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Rodeo position

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position.
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.
"What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her tits, and whisper in her ear,
'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for life'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4idlqu/rodeo_position/
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I asked a Southeast-Asian-looking elderly gentleman if he was from Thailand.

He said, "Yeah, Siam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4idlea/i_asked_a_southeastasianlooking_elderly_gentleman/
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What is heavier -- 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

200 pounds of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iddti/what_is_heavier_200_pounds_of_bricks_or_200/
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Bought sneakers from my drug dealer

Idk what he laced them with, but I been trippin for hours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4idc6p/bought_sneakers_from_my_drug_dealer/
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How do you make a kilogram of fat appealing?

Put a nipple on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4idatt/how_do_you_make_a_kilogram_of_fat_appealing/
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What do you call a penis with stamps on it?

Male.
Of course, if you have to sign for it, it's a package.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4idalh/what_do_you_call_a_penis_with_stamps_on_it/
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I'm not sure what gender fluid is...

...but it sounds like it's tough to get out of upholstery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4id8yz/im_not_sure_what_gender_fluid_is/
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Have you heard this joke of a snake walking into a bar?

Well not heard, but I have reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4id4ir/have_you_heard_this_joke_of_a_snake_walking_into/
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A man goes to a zoo but the only animal there is a dog.

It's a Shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4id3wu/a_man_goes_to_a_zoo_but_the_only_animal_there_is/
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I'm a scientist that's researching beastiality between humans and dogs

I'll be in my lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4id1go/im_a_scientist_thats_researching_beastiality/
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Guido

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icw9p/guido/
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What's the difference between acetone and Hitler?

One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icw1r/whats_the_difference_between_acetone_and_hitler/
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What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?

A slip of the tongue and you're in shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icv35/what_do_the_mafia_and_a_pussy_have_in_common/
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How many alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb...

To get to the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ict3m/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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Apple

So Apple was making a new touchscreen for kids , it didn't go well because of the name , iTouch Kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icph8/apple/
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Hitler and Goering

were arguing about the Jews, Goering stating that they were quite clever people and Hitler vehemently denying they were any such thing.
Finally Goering told Hitler that they should go out in the city and Goering would show Hitler it was true. Hitler agreed, so they disguised themselves and went out on the street.
Goering took Hitler into a shop, went up to the counter, and asked the clerk: “Do you have any left-handed teacups?” The clerk stared at Goering for a moment and then said no, mein herr, I do not.
The two left with Hitler complaining that he did not understand what the point of this was and Goering telling him to be patient. They went to another shop and Goering gave the same act: “Do you have any left-handed teacups?” The clerk stared and shrugged his shoulders.
They left with Hitler becoming incensed over this nonsense and Goering begging for patience. Finally they went into a Jewish shop; Goering again asked the clerk: “Do you have any left-handed teacups?”
The clerk smiled graciously, went into the back room and made a show of rummaging around, brought out a saucer and teacup, set down the saucer, and carefully placed the cup with the handle pointed so Goering could pick it with his left hand. “There you are, mein herr!” the clerk said.
Goering bought the teacup, thanked the clerk, and the two men left. Goering turned to Hitler and said: “See, I told you the Jews were very clever people.”
“I don’t see what was so clever about that,” Hitler snapped. “He just happened to have one in stock!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icp6i/hitler_and_goering/
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What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icp5w/what_is_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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According to my Fitbit

I've masturbated 4 miles today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icno9/according_to_my_fitbit/
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Snake walks into a bar.

Game over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icnku/snake_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 5 years your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ickxw/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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Alexa, tell me a dirty joke

The patron tells the waiter "this coffee tastes like mud". The waiter replies "yes sir, it is fresh ground".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icjou/alexa_tell_me_a_dirty_joke/
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A man goes into a bar

And that's where he stayed for most of my childhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icje5/a_man_goes_into_a_bar/
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How do you know if a Catholic girl puts out?

Ask her about her relationship with her father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icj6h/how_do_you_know_if_a_catholic_girl_puts_out/
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Apparently a Mexican is fighting a Muslim on HBO tonight.

Who said Trump's dreams can't come true?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ichwe/apparently_a_mexican_is_fighting_a_muslim_on_hbo/
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Beethoven's concert

Beethoven: "Are you ready for for my greatest piece?!"
Audience: "Yeah!"
Beethoven: "I can't hear you!"
Audience: "YEAH!"
Beethoven: "I can't hear you!"
Audience: "YE- oh fuck, that's right..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icf4o/beethovens_concert/
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A Man has Three Daughters

A man has three daughters he loved very much. His first daughter runs up to him and says:
"Daddy! Daddy! Why am I named Raindrop?"
The father replies, "Well sweetie, as we were taking you home from the hospital, a single raindrop landed right on your nose, and that's how we knew to name you Raindrop."
Satisfied she goes on her way
The second daughter, now curious, goes up to her father and says:
"Daddy, Daddy! Why am I named Snowflake?"
The father replies, "Well sweetie, as we were taking you home from the hospital, a single snowflake landed right on your nose, and that's how we knew to name you Snowflake."
His third daughter was named Cinderblock, and she went up to her father and said:
"WAGHhgrhHRUHG"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ice31/a_man_has_three_daughters/
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Schrodingers cat walks into a bar

... and doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ice1r/schrodingers_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
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Where do you find an old Onion article?

In thier archives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icd9u/where_do_you_find_an_old_onion_article/
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What happened to the frog's illegally parked car?

It got toad away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iccbf/what_happened_to_the_frogs_illegally_parked_car/
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The good news is my black girlfriend says I have mean dick

The bad news is she's a mathematician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icc1w/the_good_news_is_my_black_girlfriend_says_i_have/
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A female gorilla is alone in a cage at a zoo...

... She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He walks over to him and asks:
"Would you be willing to.. perhaps have sex with a gorilla for 500 dollars?"
The janitor thinks about it for a while and agrees but on 3 conditions.
"First!" He says, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Understood?"
"Yes." Says the zookeeper.
"Second!" The janitor says, "I don't want anyone to know about this!"
"Alright" says the zookeeper, "And what's the third condition?"
"I'm going to need a little bit more time to come up with the 500 dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4icb1f/a_female_gorilla_is_alone_in_a_cage_at_a_zoo/
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A man was driving on a highway with his wife

Suddenly he heard a siren and pulled over. A police officer walked towards him and asked:
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"Im pretty sure I was under the limit, officer" he replied.
"What do you mean Richard?" his wife shouted. "you were going way too fast, like always" she said.
The man ignored her and the officer asked:
"I believe you weren't wearing a seatbelt, sir"
"Oh but I swear I had it fastened the whole time!" the man claimed
"Please Richard" his wife said " You never drive with your seatbelt on, you only have it now because you saw this man coming"
"Shut your goddamn mouth!" the man screamed
"Is he always this rude?" the oficcer asked to the wife
"Only when he drinks" she answered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ica87/a_man_was_driving_on_a_highway_with_his_wife/
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A man goes to the zoo

And whilst standing in front of a gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the man senseless.
When the man came to his senses he was filled with rage, and he decided to report the incident to the zookeeper. After listening to the story the zookeeper started nodding. He explained that pulling down your eyelid means "Fuck you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't satisfy the man at all and he vowed revenge upon the gorilla.
So the next day he decided purchased two large kichen knives, two bras, two eyepatches, and a large sausage.
After the man stuck the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a knife, a bra, and an eyepatch on the ground.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on the bra.
The gorilla looked at him closely, then looked at the bra, and decided to wear it. Next, the man put the eyepatch on his right eye. So the gorilla also picked up his eyepatch and did the same.
Then the man pulled out his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half with full force.
Startled the gorilla looked at the knife, then down at his own crotch, then he looked at the man with anger, and he pulled down his eyelid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ica00/a_man_goes_to_the_zoo/
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man answers the phone, puts it on speaker, and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2016 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ic9ds/several_men_are_in_the_locker_room_of_a_golf_club/
%
For mother day my mom is going to get

the same as always
disappointment :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ic8ry/for_mother_day_my_mom_is_going_to_get/
%
Someone really has to have a serious talk with birds about their pooping habits

Do they really think we're gonna let that shit fly?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ic7ku/someone_really_has_to_have_a_serious_talk_with/
%
What do you call a midget in a Mental Asylum?

I don't really know, but it sounds a little crazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ic6g6/what_do_you_call_a_midget_in_a_mental_asylum/
%
A man goes to buy a motorbike...

A man goes to buy a motorbike before meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He finds an amazing looking model and asks the dealer what the price is. The dealer replies 'It's only $1000, but there's a catch. It's not waterproof. When it rains, you have to rub vaseline over it or it will rust quickly." The man accepts this and buys the motorbike.
He picks his girlfriend up that night on his new bike and they head to her parents' house. As they approach, his girlfriend says to him "Listen, my parents are a bit weird. This might sound funny, but we have a rule that there's no speaking at the dinner table. If you speak, you have to wash the dishes."
He's a bit surprised, but replies that this is no problem, and he'd be glad to do the dishes. She adds "The only problem is, no-one has spoken at the dinner table for about 5 years. There is a MASSIVE pile of dishes in the kitchen." The man is even more taken aback, but says 'that's fine, I'll just keep my mouth shut".
They pull up outside the house and head inside, sit down and start eating. Minutes pass, and the man starts to grow annoyed at this silly household custom. He wonders how to annoy his girlfriend's parents, and eventually leans across and starts kissing his girlfriend.
She's a bit surprised, but responds, and her parents look annoyed but can't say anything. Encouraged by this, he pulls his girlfriend onto the dinner table and has his way with her. Eventually they finish, he puts her back into her seat, and looks at her parents. They're looking mighty pissed off but they don't say a single word.
He thinks 'well, the mother's not bad looking...', pulls her onto the dinner table, and has his way with her too. She doesn't complain, the daughter is in a state of blissful exhaustion, the father looks extremely pissed, but he is allowed to finish and puts her back into her seat.
Just then it starts to rain. As he hears the drops, he remembers about his motorbike, stands up and takes a tube of vaseline out of his pocket. The father immediately stands up and yells 'Okay, okay, I'll do the fucking dishes, just don't touch me!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ic41q/a_man_goes_to_buy_a_motorbike/
%
Don't use metaphors when talking to kleptomaniacs.

They take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ibw4j/dont_use_metaphors_when_talking_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
Why didn't Mick Jagger pick Randy Moss up from the airport?

Because a Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ibvya/why_didnt_mick_jagger_pick_randy_moss_up_from_the/
%
What does a high school dance have in common with the parking lot at a Keith Urban concert?

Lots of bad pickup lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ibut9/what_does_a_high_school_dance_have_in_common_with/
%
What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Christler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ibult/what_kind_of_car_does_jesus_drive/
%
What do you call two nuns playing a bongo?

A conundrum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ibu11/what_do_you_call_two_nuns_playing_a_bongo/
%
The TSA just announced they're banning erasers on flights.

They're capable of math destruction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ibs2d/the_tsa_just_announced_theyre_banning_erasers_on/
%
My sex life is like my personal record for the number of days I've been alive

I beat it every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ibs0y/my_sex_life_is_like_my_personal_record_for_the/
%
Why did the germ cross the microscope

To get to the other slide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ibo17/why_did_the_germ_cross_the_microscope/
%
A man wearing transparent underwear walked into a psychiatrist's office

The psychiatrist said, "I can see you're nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ibjp1/a_man_wearing_transparent_underwear_walked_into_a/
%
What's Donald Trumps favorite Pink Floyd album

The wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ibhfh/whats_donald_trumps_favorite_pink_floyd_album/
%
The reason why I only date black girls

is because I don't like meeting dads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ibg4s/the_reason_why_i_only_date_black_girls/
%
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...

then soviet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ibbz7/if_pronouncing_my_bs_as_vs_makes_me_sound_russian/
%
What do they use to heal cuts in the Matrix

Neo Sporin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ib8jh/what_do_they_use_to_heal_cuts_in_the_matrix/
%
a sort algorithm walks into a bar

he orders anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ib7d3/a_sort_algorithm_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The Mafia leader tells his right-hand man to...

, "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out." Then he hands him a plastic cup. Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out. The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out." The Mafia leader hands him a new cup. So the guy goes back into the bathroom and does the same thing. He walks out with much less in the cup than the first time. The Mafia leader sees this and says, "Very good, very good. Do it one more time." He hands him a new cup and the guy goes back into the bathroom. He comes out and there's only a tiny drop in the cup. The Mafia leader now says, "Alright Steve, I want you to drive my daughter to Manhattan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ib79z/the_mafia_leader_tells_his_righthand_man_to/
%
What do you call a crocodile in a band?

A crocstar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ib6qj/what_do_you_call_a_crocodile_in_a_band/
%
how does every racist joke start?

with a look over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ib198/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
%
Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing?

Rigor tortoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ib15b/why_did_the_zombie_turtle_have_so_much_trouble/
%
Everyone tells me I'm average...

That's just mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ib0h4/everyone_tells_me_im_average/
%
So, rooster jokes now?

There is a farmer with 1000 chickens and one rooster getting on in age.  He is concerned that his production will start to decline and decides to get a younger rooster to keep things up.
The young rooster comes in and is surveying the land and finds the old rooster.  Typical showdown / throw down ends with the old rooster challenging the young rooster to a race. 10 laps around the biggest barn decides who gets all the hens.   The old rooster plays on his age and gets a half a lap head start.  All the chickens gather and bang the race starts.  The old rooster does well, but lap by lap the young rooster is catching up, the hens seeing the chance for some new are cheering like mad.  The farmer hears all the commotion and comes running shotgun in hand.  He sees his old rooster running for all he is worth with the young rooster hot in pursuit.  Without hesitation, blam, takes out the young rooster, saying "dammit, that's the third gay rooster this month".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ib0f1/so_rooster_jokes_now/
%
Your Mom's so stupid...

That when the teacher asked her to do an essay, she fucked a mexican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ib01t/your_moms_so_stupid/
%
A woman came into our work yesterday to give us all a talk about sexual harassment in the work place.

After the presentation she asked, "Has anyone got any questions?"
I put my hand up and asked, "What colour knickers have you got on?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iaypa/a_woman_came_into_our_work_yesterday_to_give_us/
%
I swallowed some food coloring. My doctor says I'm OK

But I feel like I've dyed a little inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iaxdo/i_swallowed_some_food_coloring_my_doctor_says_im/
%
Walks into a bar.... Pissing contest

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."
The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."
The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.
The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.
"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"
"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iau9a/walks_into_a_bar_pissing_contest/
%
Civil War spoilers

Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iatuw/civil_war_spoilers/
%
What does sex have in common with a savings account?

You lose interest once you make a withdrawal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iat6u/what_does_sex_have_in_common_with_a_savings/
%
A jumper cable walks into a bar

The bartender says okay I'll serve you, as long as you don't start anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iasrm/a_jumper_cable_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What is the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ias3c/what_is_the_worst_time_to_have_a_heart_attack/
%
So a grasshopper walks into a bar...

And the bartender says: "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies: "You have a drink named Steve?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ias1n/so_a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The average person loses their virginity at 17.

Congratulations you are above average.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iaq6t/the_average_person_loses_their_virginity_at_17/
%
When I eat...

Tom walked into a Bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bar man,
”Please give me half chicken tandoori and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, bcoz when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”
Bar man processed his request and gave him his
meal and everyone else their meals.
When they finished enjoying their meal he shouted for another order,
”Give me a bottle of Champagne and give everybody else a bottle of Johnny Walker Black,
bcoz when I drink, I want everybody to drink.....!”
Everyone was happy and singing praises, saying
Tom is “The Man”.
When Tom finished his drink he shouted again:
“Give me my bill and give everyone else their own bill, bcoz when I pay for my meals and drinks, I want everyone else to pay for theirs!”
Tom's funeral is  tomorrow at 10 am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iaowy/when_i_eat/
%
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iamlt/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
Two goldfish are alone in a tank,

One says to the other one, "have any idea how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iak0n/two_goldfish_are_alone_in_a_tank/
%
What do you call it when two transgender people go on a couples cruise around Hawaii?

A trans pacific partner ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iagre/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_transgender_people/
%
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?

Artificial Intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iadvm/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_who_has_dyed_her_hair/
%
What do you call a broken snake?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iaapt/what_do_you_call_a_broken_snake/
%
Do you want to 68?

You go down on me and I'll owe you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ia6b4/do_you_want_to_68/
%
A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane when suddenly the engine brakes down

There are no parachutes on the plane, so the men must rely on their faith to save them from death.
The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off the plane and survives the fall, but dies later in a hospital.
The Jew says a prayer jumps off the plane, and survives the fall, but injures his spinal cord and is paralyzed from the waist down.
The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off the plane, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand.
The Buddhist, relieved to have been caught, says, "Thank God," and the hand drops him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ia60v/a_catholic_a_jew_and_a_buddhist_are_on_a_plane/
%
"Dad, did you ever fall in love with a teacher?"

"Yes son , with the kindergarden teacher."
"Then what happened?"
"Well, your mom caught us and we   had to send you to a new school."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ia5d6/dad_did_you_ever_fall_in_love_with_a_teacher/
%
A man comes into his bedroom and sees his wife with his best friend in bed....

The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ia4u9/a_man_comes_into_his_bedroom_and_sees_his_wife/
%
A far right party wins an election in Germany with 60% of the vote.

I did nazi that coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ia4im/a_far_right_party_wins_an_election_in_germany/
%
I heard they're testing a new pill for treating erectile dysfunction

It's called coxaflopyn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ia3la/i_heard_theyre_testing_a_new_pill_for_treating/
%
Parrot Joke

A woman is passing by a pet store when she sees in the front window, a lovely big parrot. Next to which is a sign which says has been marked down from $2000 to only $50. Curious, she enters the shop and asks the shopkeeper why it is so cheap.
'Well' he says 'There is a bit of a problem with that one... See, it was sold to woman who returned it because she couldn't keep up the payments on it. Problem is, she also happened to be the owner of a brothel, and it's happened to have picked up a bit of bad language. If you don't have a problem with any of that you can have it for only $50'
The woman, never one to pass up a bargain, thinks 'how bad can it be?' and pays the $50 and takes the bird home.
She hangs the cage with the large and beautiful bird up in her living room when she gets home. The parrot says: 'New house. New madam!'
She thinks this isn't too bad, and is beginning to think she's got a great bargain when her teenage girls come home from high-school. 'New house. New madam. New whores!' Screeches the bird.
The girls are a little shocked, but their mum explains the situation and they have a bit of a giggle about it and think nothing more of it.
Later that evening the woman's husband comes home. As he comes in the front door the bird says 'Hi Frank!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ia368/parrot_joke/
%
"I hate being half bicycle, half motorcycle"

he moped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ia303/i_hate_being_half_bicycle_half_motorcycle/
%
Who won the first Tour de France?

The 7th German Panzer division

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ia2jh/who_won_the_first_tour_de_france/
%
My friend told me he holds a world record in quilt making

I suspect his whole story is fabricated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ia18k/my_friend_told_me_he_holds_a_world_record_in/
%
Every time someone tries to explain fashion to me

it's in one year and out the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ia0rd/every_time_someone_tries_to_explain_fashion_to_me/
%
I used to take naps on a bike until someone stole the tires

They really messed with my sleep cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ia01k/i_used_to_take_naps_on_a_bike_until_someone_stole/
%
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i9y9a/a_baptist_preacher_sits_next_to_a_cowboy_on_a/
%
What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

Cucumber you nasty bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i9xn8/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
%
new kitten

So I decided to teach my kitten to write.  You might think it was pretty hard but he took to it easily.  Before long he could do anything I could do.. Turns out he was a copy cat :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i9wb3/new_kitten/
%
A mobster killed an Irishman with a porcelain doll

He was accused of knick-knack paddy whack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i9uny/a_mobster_killed_an_irishman_with_a_porcelain_doll/
%
Female Masturbation

My woman told me that she would never play with her self when she was on her period. .
But I caught her red handed !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i9tcw/female_masturbation/
%
My Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed...

I told her if she ever changes her mind, all she has to do is phone and I'll come straight away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i9od3/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_dont/
%
Snake walks into a bar.

And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i9kps/snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i9klg/why_do_midgets_laugh_when_they_run/
%
Why did the Weimar Republic ban balloons?

Because of the Hyperinflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i9i2y/why_did_the_weimar_republic_ban_balloons/
%
Two Italian men get on a bus...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i9h6b/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/
%
Can't serve drink to the drunk...

A man, clearly the worse for drink, staggers into a bar and orders a pint.
The barman says to him "I'm afraid I can't serve you, as you are obviously drunk. Would you like me to call you a taxi?"
Mumbling something or other along the lines of "no", the man clumsily makes his way back out the door without causing any fuss.
A few minutes later, the man comes back in through the side door of the pub, and tries to order a pint.
"I'm afraid, sir, that I still cannot serve you as you are drunk," comes the reply, "are you sure you don't want me to call you a cab?"
Once again the man mutters and makes his way out through the door he came in.
Several more minutes pass, and who should come in the back door of the pub but this same boozed-up individual. This time staggers up to the bar, looks the bartender in the eyes, and a look of surprise spreads over his face.
"Jesus," he manages to say, "how many bars in this town d'you work in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i9gwc/cant_serve_drink_to_the_drunk/
%
A joke is like a frog..

When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i9g3r/a_joke_is_like_a_frog/
%
When A guy gets lost: Yet another joke from a 83 year old dad.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started
to play.  The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.  And as I played "Amazing Grace," the workers began
to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.  As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like
that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i99ml/when_a_guy_gets_lost_yet_another_joke_from_a_83/
%
I told my friend that Jewish people call God by a different name.

He said, "No way!", to which I replied, "Yahweh".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i97v0/i_told_my_friend_that_jewish_people_call_god_by_a/
%
A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "You come here a lot; are you an alcoholic?" The horse ponders this for a moment and says, "I don't think I am."
POOF! The horse disappears.
At this point, a psychology student would begin to snicker because he knows about the Descartes postulate, "I think therefore I am."
I could have told you about that at the beginning of the joke, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i96s4/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I always get told off when introducing my wife...

Apparently, the label 'ex-girlfriend' is highly inappropriate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i94xf/i_always_get_told_off_when_introducing_my_wife/
%
Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels?

He had a bounty on his head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i90vo/did_you_hear_about_the_cowboy_who_wore_a_hat_made/
%
Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuckline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i8wf0/why_cant_dyslexics_tell_jokes/
%
Polish man in the US

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well — until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Man: “Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
Man: “It’s made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”
Man: “No, we have a carport.”
Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
Man: “All my relations are still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Man: “We have a high-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Man: “No, I always wake up before her.”
Lawyer: “Sir, exactly why do you want this divorce?”
Man: “She’s going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”
Man: “I have proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Man: “She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read it and it says … ‘Polish remover'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i8wbc/polish_man_in_the_us/
%
A termite walks into a bar and asks...

"Is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i8sm3/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
%
What do you call a kid with an eye patch, braces and a lisp?

Names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i8rkx/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_an_eye_patch_braces/
%
A student comes into to a young professor's office after school hours

She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.  "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.  "I mean..." she whispers, " I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze.  "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens.  "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i8r77/a_student_comes_into_to_a_young_professors_office/
%
What do you call a 5 year old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i8qtq/what_do_you_call_a_5_year_old_with_no_friends/
%
I took my pet woodpecker with me on a walk downtown. Lots of people were pointing and staring. Finally a cop walks up, points in the direction of my woodpecker and said "'Scuse me sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to put away your pecker."

So I said, "well where is my bird going to perch then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i8ntj/i_took_my_pet_woodpecker_with_me_on_a_walk/
%
Why is reddit so liberal?

Because upvotes are to the left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i8mcg/why_is_reddit_so_liberal/
%
Define Irony:

The opposite of wrinkly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i8lnr/define_irony/
%
Congress gets kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i8j0k/congress_gets_kidnapped/
%
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you had them as a child, you probably won't like them as an adult!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i8h4b/what_do_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
%
A farmer buys a rooster

to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.
The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."
Randy opens one eye, glares and nods towards the sky..."Quiet you fool....they're getting closer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i8exp/a_farmer_buys_a_rooster/
%
My Grandfather has hearing aids.

He got it from phone sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i8csu/my_grandfather_has_hearing_aids/
%
I took a class on 'The Silence of the Lambs'

It was a Hannibal lecture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i8cm0/i_took_a_class_on_the_silence_of_the_lambs/
%
Why can't you play UNO with Mexicans?

They steal all the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i88a9/why_cant_you_play_uno_with_mexicans/
%
My friend got a job fastening metal plates together. He hates it.

He says it's not fun or interesting, which I dont understand. I think his job is riveting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i87fk/my_friend_got_a_job_fastening_metal_plates/
%
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i85q3/whats_the_difference_between_a_northern_fairytale/
%
Highway dildo

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.
When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield
The little girl asks: Mommy, what was that?
The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: It was just a bug honey.
The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: It sure had a big dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i84xu/highway_dildo/
%
I can't believe AntMan and Spider-Man are in civil war.

That really bugs me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i84n1/i_cant_believe_antman_and_spiderman_are_in_civil/
%
I made a song about a tortilla

Actually it's more of a wrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i83t6/i_made_a_song_about_a_tortilla/
%
I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb

Then I realized that my life was a joke...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7zac/i_crossed_the_road_walked_into_a_bar_and_changed/
%
How do you make soup golden?

You add 24 carrots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7ysi/how_do_you_make_soup_golden/
%
Why did 10 die?

10 was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7xfb/why_did_10_die/
%
Why did Donald Trump win the Republican nomination?

Don Rickles is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7wz5/why_did_donald_trump_win_the_republican_nomination/
%
It's finals week and the only question on the test is "what is 2+2?"

A philosophy major writes a long eloquent response but doesn't bother to actually answer the question.
A math major makes a formal proof that 2=2 and that addition is commutative before using the squeeze theorem to prove that 4≤2+2≤4.
An engineering major knows the answer is 4 but writes down 5 just to be safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7uin/its_finals_week_and_the_only_question_on_the_test/
%
Why shouldn't you hang out with zombies?

They make rotten friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7sif/why_shouldnt_you_hang_out_with_zombies/
%
How many men does it take to fix a women's watch?

Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7rxi/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_fix_a_womens_watch/
%
Is Google male or female?

Female because she won't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7qpl/is_google_male_or_female/
%
My friend died at an orgy the other day and nobody knows why.

It's a fucking mystery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7k3i/my_friend_died_at_an_orgy_the_other_day_and/
%
Words can't describe how beautiful you are

But numbers can.
2/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7iib/words_cant_describe_how_beautiful_you_are/
%
A bit rapey..

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7hf0/a_bit_rapey/
%
When applying for a job in the hair industry...

Do you have to hand in your Tresemmé?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7f7a/when_applying_for_a_job_in_the_hair_industry/
%
What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit rollup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7e7z/what_do_you_call_a_gay_driveby/
%
Man goes to see his doctor..

The doctor remarked on his patient's, ruddy complexion.
“I know,” the patient, “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
Neither, it's my wife’s side.
“What?” the doctor said, “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?"
"Well, you should meet them sometime."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7coi/man_goes_to_see_his_doctor/
%
My friend came out of closet to me recently

"I am gay", he said to me.
I didn't believe my friend. I thought he was kidding. I said...
"How can you say that with such a straight face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7aoi/my_friend_came_out_of_closet_to_me_recently/
%
in a kindergarten class, there is a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. which one do you date?

the blonde. she's 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i7a21/in_a_kindergarten_class_there_is_a_blonde_a/
%
[OC] My best friend recently lost the front of his foot in a boating accident and now I hate him.

I'm surprised by how lactose intolerant I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i79gz/oc_my_best_friend_recently_lost_the_front_of_his/
%
I met a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

Crazy conversations, he was definitely a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i75e6/i_met_a_soldier_who_survived_mustard_gas_and/
%
Neil Armstrong would go to parties, tell anecdotes about when he was on the moon, then laugh hysterically at his story, though no one else would understand what was so funny...

So he'd add 'well I guess you had to be there.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i757p/neil_armstrong_would_go_to_parties_tell_anecdotes/
%
For as long as I can remember...

...I have had memories

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i754l/for_as_long_as_i_can_remember/
%
"Mommy, why is my backpack so heavy?"

Allahu Akbar, honey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i73tp/mommy_why_is_my_backpack_so_heavy/
%
Three soldiers are in a hot air balloon

, riding over a town with a mountain in the distance. As the mountain approaches, the sudden realization hits that they will not clear mountain.
In a last-ditch effort, they try to throw out everything they can. The first soldier throws out their weapons,  swords and such. Seeing as that wasn't enough, the second soldier throws out their boxes of food rations. Still not enough, the last soldier throws out a bomb, which was critical for their mission, but as they were not going to complete the mission regardless, it was better than dying.
With the dropping of the bomb, they end up in the clear. They land, but as they had no bomb, they aborted the mission and went back to town to call it into HQ.
On their way back, they see a crowd gathered. Upon further inspection, the soldiers see that some were cheering, some were crying and looked sad, and one person looking extremely confused and embarassed. The soldiers asked, "what happened?"
The crying: "Swords fell out of the sky and killed our brothers and sisters!"
The cheering: "But now we have weapons to fight against the bandits! "
The crying: "And then a heavy box fell on top of one of our elders and killed him!"
The cheering: "But it was filled with food to last us weeks!"
The soldiers, understanding that this was their doing, sympathized and asked, "and what happened to him?" while pointing to the man that looked confused.
He replied, "I farted and my house blew up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i72za/three_soldiers_are_in_a_hot_air_balloon/
%
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i71s2/what_do_you_call_a_can_opener_that_doesnt_work/
%
What does my dad do when he's drunk and bored?

Beats me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i70gh/what_does_my_dad_do_when_hes_drunk_and_bored/
%
What makes cheerleaders nervous?

Being late

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6zvi/what_makes_cheerleaders_nervous/
%
What's an alcoholic's favorite book?

Tequila mocking bird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6x82/whats_an_alcoholics_favorite_book/
%
Why do Jew like to watch porn in reverse?

They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6x6t/why_do_jew_like_to_watch_porn_in_reverse/
%
If at first you don't succeed . . .

don't try skydiving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6ww1/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
Why do people in wheelchairs have such low confidence?

Because they never stand up for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6wr3/why_do_people_in_wheelchairs_have_such_low/
%
If girls have two X chromosomes...

Do pornstars have 3 X chromosomes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6ssh/if_girls_have_two_x_chromosomes/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot...

...It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6s6k/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. In the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6oxr/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/
%
What did one boob say to the other boob?

Hey man, if we don't get some support soon they're gonna think we're nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6mro/what_did_one_boob_say_to_the_other_boob/
%
If I ever had a heart transplant

I would want my ex's because it's never been used

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6lhu/if_i_ever_had_a_heart_transplant/
%
What did the deaf, blind, mute, handicapped kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6jqt/what_did_the_deaf_blind_mute_handicapped_kid_get/
%
I was talking to a radical feminist the other day.

Haha no, could you imagine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6irq/i_was_talking_to_a_radical_feminist_the_other_day/
%
A Black guy and an Asian guy are standing next to a pond.

The Asian guy says, "This pond is Magical, if you skip a stone across it, you will hear the names of your ancestors." So the Asian guy picks up a stone and skips it, the stone makes a sound with each splash, "CHING-CHANG-CHONG." The black guy goes, "Wow thats amazing, let me try." He picks up a rock and skips it. "A-RANG-A-TANG!" He gets angry and says, "Wtf?!" and grabs another stone. Skips this one and hears, "CHIMP-AN-ZEE!" Now he is quite upset, "Aww hell naw," he grabs a large boulder with both hands and lifts it above his head, then slams it into the pond, "BA-BOON!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6hb7/a_black_guy_and_an_asian_guy_are_standing_next_to/
%
I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn't work
I painted it white and now the system is corrupt.
Painted it yellow and all the drivers crashed
Painted a vagina on it and now all it does is whine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6fy5/i_painted_my_computer_black_so_it_would_run_faster/
%
How do you know when your vegetables are boiled?

Their wheelchair floats to the top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6ett/how_do_you_know_when_your_vegetables_are_boiled/
%
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you drop a load in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6es3/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
%
The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.
The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."
The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6e7h/the_cia_fbi_and_the_kgb_are_tasked_with_finding_a/
%
Why is gigabit internet good for you?

Because it's high in fiber!
haha, I'll show myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6b4h/why_is_gigabit_internet_good_for_you/
%
I was going to tell a gay joke

But fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i697m/i_was_going_to_tell_a_gay_joke/
%
What do you call children born of ginger people?

Ginger-bred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i65uw/what_do_you_call_children_born_of_ginger_people/
%
What's brown, and ryhmes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i65r9/whats_brown_and_ryhmes_with_snoop/
%
Why is Reddit full of liberals?

All the conservatives are out working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i65bh/why_is_reddit_full_of_liberals/
%
So an anti-vaxxer tells me that vaccines cause autism.

So I reply "Oh, so you've gotten vaccinated, then?"
~~Sorry if it's a terrible joke.~~
No regrets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i63yp/so_an_antivaxxer_tells_me_that_vaccines_cause/
%
What did the Latin guy say after he had sex?

Veni. Veni. Veni.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i6111/what_did_the_latin_guy_say_after_he_had_sex/
%
I took a piano lesson with Elton John...

He was so nice, he even offered to push in my stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5ufa/i_took_a_piano_lesson_with_elton_john/
%
When I was interviewed for a job in the chemistry department, they asked me if I had lab experience.

I said I was more of a cat person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5tr0/when_i_was_interviewed_for_a_job_in_the_chemistry/
%
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

Their biggest hit was the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5t2h/what_do_pink_floyd_and_dale_earnhardt_have_in/
%
What did the Japanese stoner say?

Toke yo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5rw7/what_did_the_japanese_stoner_say/
%
I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.

after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5p7u/i_told_god_a_holocaust_joke_he_didnt_laugh/
%
My girlfriend used to do flashy shows on a chair for me.

It was electrical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5liw/my_girlfriend_used_to_do_flashy_shows_on_a_chair/
%
The sun was coming up. Adam & Eve had just spent the entire night ...

... having glorious unadulterated sex. Eve decided to go wash up in the river close by. Just as she dipped her toe in the water to feel the temperature, she heard a thundering voice, "Do NOT go into the water!". Eve shrugged, and thought to herself, "What's the worse that could happen?". She waded into the water waist deep.
.... Another thundering voice came from the sky, "Now i'll NEVER get the smell out of the FISH!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5lah/the_sun_was_coming_up_adam_eve_had_just_spent_the/
%
Once upon a time there was a man.

Today there are many
**EDIT** Grandad joke. Rest his soul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5i3d/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_man/
%
I left my job today. I couldn't work for that man anymore after what he said to me...

"You're fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5hn9/i_left_my_job_today_i_couldnt_work_for_that_man/
%
Alphabet Game

"Alright class, today we're going to play the alphabet game.  I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you tell me a word that begins with it.  Let's start with A"
Little Jonny's hand shoots up.  The teacher thinks to herself: I'm not going to pick Jonny, he'll just say 'asshole'.  "Suzie?"
"Alligator"
"Very good Suzie.  Ok class, how about B?"
Little Jonny's hand goes up again.  The teacher thinks to herself: I'm not going to pick Jonny, he'll just say 'bitch'.
"Patrick?"
"Banana"
"Very good Patrick.  Ok class, C?"
Little Jonny's hand goes up with a lot of enthusiasm.  The teacher thinks:  no way, he'll just say that awful c-word.
"Jill?"
"Caterpillar"
"Amazing!  Good word Jill"
This goes on.  Each letter, Little Jonny's hand goes up and the teacher thinks of an offensive word that Jonny will say.  Finally:
"Alright class, R"
Little Jonny's hand goes up.  This time, the teacher struggles to find a bad word starting with R.  She gives in.
"Jonny?"
"Rats"
"Wow, very good Jon.."
"Big fucking rats with 10 inch dicks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5fzi/alphabet_game/
%
Why did osama kill his wife?

When he lifted her skirt, he saw *bush* .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5fun/why_did_osama_kill_his_wife/
%
Queen Bee

The queen honey bee has sex with up to 40 males per day.
Just like your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5el3/queen_bee/
%
A friend of mine was run over by a red lorry,

then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.
When the policeman informed his family he said
"There's no easy way to say this"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5bq1/a_friend_of_mine_was_run_over_by_a_red_lorry/
%
How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i588j/how_do_you_get_an_emo_out_of_a_tree/
%
What do you call a jewish Pokémon trainer?

Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5884/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokémon_trainer/
%
My girlfriend has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh

When I put my ear up to it I can smell the ocean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i57zc/my_girlfriend_has_a_seashell_tattoo_on_her_inner/
%
It's not nice to make fun of the obese...

...They have enough on their plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i547a/its_not_nice_to_make_fun_of_the_obese/
%
A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i52ju/a_man_goes_to_the_lawyer_what_is_your_fee/
%
Why don't black people dream?

Because the last black person who had a dream got shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i51v1/why_dont_black_people_dream/
%
What do a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i4zq8/what_do_a_rubiks_cube_and_a_penis_have_in_common/
%
A man and a woman are sleeping together,

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i4yiy/a_man_and_a_woman_are_sleeping_together/
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Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i4vqt/why_doesnt_george_r_r_martin_use_twitter/
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And the Lord said unto John, '....

come forth and ye shall receive eternal life.'  But John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i4u58/and_the_lord_said_unto_john/
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A woman walks into a doctors office

and says "For the past couple months my vagina has had stamps from Costa Rica in it." So the doctor pulls out the stamps and says "these aren't stamps, these are the stickers off the bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i4tbn/a_woman_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
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What do you call a camel with no humps???

Humphrey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i4pbo/what_do_you_call_a_camel_with_no_humps/
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Why did the polish person marry someone from the other side of the country?

Because opposite poles attract

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i4owj/why_did_the_polish_person_marry_someone_from_the/
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What is a Jews favorite part of porn?

The moneyshot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i4nrj/what_is_a_jews_favorite_part_of_porn/
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An old woman goes to the dentist...

...takes off all her clothes and spreads her legs.
The dentist says "I think you have the wrong room..."
"You put in my husband's teeth last week", she replies. "Now you have to remove them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i4kl2/an_old_woman_goes_to_the_dentist/
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What rhymes with orange?

No, no it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i4iem/what_rhymes_with_orange/
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what do you call a 9 year old african boy crying on his knees

Midlife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i4gv4/what_do_you_call_a_9_year_old_african_boy_crying/
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The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.
When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, wizened man tending it. He asks, nervously: "Do you work here?"
He replied "Yes, I do".
Still stupified by this mystical old man, the husband stammers...I uh...uh..am looking for something for my wife. My work requires me to travel and I wan't something that can keep her satisfied so she won't cheat on me.
The old man blinks slowly a few times, then says: "Yes, I believe we have what you're looking for." He pulls out a wooden box, covered in dust. It looks ANCIENT. As he opens the lid, the smell of old wood floods the husband's nostrils.
This here is a Voodoo dick. It has magical powers and I assure you, it would keep any women satisfied.
The husband laughs harder than he has in a long time. "Did you say VOODOO dick? HAHAHAHA I can't believe you're trying to sell me this sh*t".
The old man just looks at him. "Allow me to demonstrate to quash your doubts, I suggest you stand away from the door."
The husband looks behind him, and with a quizzical look on his face, takes three steps away from the door he was leaning against.
The old man speaks. "VOODOO DICK, The door!"
All of a sudden, the gnarled, wooden shaft lying dormant inside the box floats into the air. It levels off with the doorknob, then soars through the air directly at the keyhole.
A thunderous bang bang bang can be heard as the voodoo dick tries violently to enter the hole that is far too small for it. The door starts to shake and hinges rattle.
The man says I'LL TAKE IT!!!!!
The old man then says VOODOO DICK, the box!
And as if on rewind, it slowly glides back into the box, and lay still.
Upon arriving home, his wife asks him what he has in the box. "It's a voodoo dick, honey", he says. The wife starts dying of laughter. "Voodoo dick? hahahahaha you must be joking!!"
The husband gives her a stern look and says: "Listen, I know how lonely you get on those business trips of mine, and this will keep you occupied so I know you'll be faithful."
He then says: "Voodoo dick, her pussy!" The lid of the box bursts open as the dick flies through the air, directly towards his wife's crotch. There is the definitive sound of her panties ripping as the dick penetrated through the fabric, into it's designated spot.
The wife: "What the he....hey....ooooo...mmm...oh...my...god...!!!!" She is shaking on the couch.
The husband smiles and says, see you later honey, I'm going golfing with some pals from work!.
She is too busy biting her lips to respond.
Three hours pass.
Finally, decided she's been satiated, the wife tries to remove the dick from inside her. She pulls, tugs at it with all her might, but it won't budge. The thing remains inside her and refuses to move.
She panics.
She sees her husband's cellphone on the living room table. He forgot it. And he didn't tell her how to turn the thing off!
With the voodoo dick still thrusting inside her, the wife runs to the garage and starts the car. She has to get to a hospital. She's freaking out.
12 minutes later, she is pulled over by a traffic cop for doing nearly double the speed limit. He asks her why she felt she needed to risk her life and the life of others by speeding. He thinks she's on drugs, because she's not talking coherently.
Officer...oh...ahh...see...uh..my husband bought this....voodoo dick...for me and it won't come out!!..And oohhhhhh.......ahh...he didn't tell me how to turn it off! He's gone..golfing with his friends...and I can't...get a hold..of him.
The officer looks at her with a blank expression on her face.
He bursts out laughing.
"Hahahahaha, that's a new one! Never heard that one before! Voodoo dick, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i4dfr/the_voodoo_dick/
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I wonder what chairs think about all day

"Oh, here comes another asshole"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i4b0y/i_wonder_what_chairs_think_about_all_day/
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Wife Wanted

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds “Wife Wanted”.
The next day, he received hundreds of replies,
all reading: “You can have mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i47va/wife_wanted/
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How do you start a Somali rave?

Tape a piece of bread to the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i4477/how_do_you_start_a_somali_rave/
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Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i439i/some_bloke_just_told_me_he_was_gonna_smack_me/
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A doctor visits a woman after her operation.

Doctor: "Good day, before I tell you the diagnosis, I would like to ask you a question: Do you have ticklish feet?"
Patient: "Oh yes doctor, I have the awfullest tickle of all time, I barely stand it! But why do you ask?"
Doctor: "Well then I have good news! You no longer have that problem! You are paralyzed from the waist down."
(I know I will burn in hell.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i42w7/a_doctor_visits_a_woman_after_her_operation/
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They say a woman's work is never done.

That's probably why they get paid less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i3xii/they_say_a_womans_work_is_never_done/
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Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail?

Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer.
Thank you.  I'll be here all week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i3xam/where_should_you_take_your_cat_if_it_somehow/
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Male logic. Another joke from an 83 year old dad.

This is a conversation between a man and his new girlfriend.
Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions, which he answered quite simply.
She is speechless after answering only one question.
Critical Thinking At Its Very Best!:
Woman:   Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.
Woman:  How many beers a day?
Man:   Usually about 3.
Woman:  How much do you pay per beer?
Man:   $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!).
Woman:  And how long have you been drinking?
Man:   Oh, about 20 years, I suppose.
Woman:  So, a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day,
which puts your spending each month at $450.00.
In one year it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man:   Correct.
Woman:  If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 or maybe more, correct?
Man:   Correct.
Woman:  Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been
put in a step-up interest savings account, and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years,
you could have now bought a  Ferrari?
Man:   Do you drink beer?
Woman:  No.
Man:   Where's your Ferrari?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i3utq/male_logic_another_joke_from_an_83_year_old_dad/
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Why are storm troopers so clingy?

Cause no matter where you're at they'll always miss you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i3q55/why_are_storm_troopers_so_clingy/
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It's going to be a busy couple of months for Caitlyn Jenner

Mothers' Day and then Fathers' Day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i3i7z/its_going_to_be_a_busy_couple_of_months_for/
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A guy interviews an elderly couple

During the interview, the old man asks his wife "Sweetheart, could you make me some tea?" The old woman promptly gets up and walks to the kitchen.
The interviewer asks "Wow, after 40 years you still call her sweetheart, that's amazing"
The old man then said "Yea well, don't tell my wife I forgot her name"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i3ch7/a_guy_interviews_an_elderly_couple/
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Words cannot describe how cute you are.

But numbers can, 3/10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i3697/words_cannot_describe_how_cute_you_are/
%
Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D.

Sadly it can't focus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i35id/canon_to_release_new_camera_the_canon_80d/
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Why don't women wear skirts in San Fransisco?

Because their balls would show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i351l/why_dont_women_wear_skirts_in_san_fransisco/
%
Why does the Mexican guy take xanax?

For hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i340f/why_does_the_mexican_guy_take_xanax/
%
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him....

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i339x/a_guy_goes_to_the_supermarket_and_notices_an/
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The Clock is Ticking...

9:09
9:10
George Bush
9:12
9:13

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i32x0/the_clock_is_ticking/
%
A piece of rope walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind around here." The rope walks out back, ties himself up, and unravels his ends. The rope walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "Aren't you that rope that was just in here a minute ago?" The rope says, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i308a/a_piece_of_rope_walks_into_a_bar/
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Give a man a fish

, and you'll feed him for a day.
Teach a man to phish, and he'll steal all your banking information.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i2z6p/give_a_man_a_fish/
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How I would kidnap pedophiles.

Have a white van advertisting free kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i2x43/how_i_would_kidnap_pedophiles/
%
How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i2s9q/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
The U.S. presidency is like my ex.

Anyone can get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i2rbu/the_us_presidency_is_like_my_ex/
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Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i2oqw/wife_i_look_fat_can_you_give_me_a_compliment/
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The business trip

On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a prostitute. Upon returning home, he noticed a strange, green, festering sore growing on his penis.
He went to his doctor who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had 'Hong Kong Dong' and the only cure was complete amputation of the penis.
Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion. Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate,right away". Joe could not accept this.
A friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor... They must deal with this all the time! He went to Dr. Chu Wong.
Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong but added, shaking his head: "Amadican Doctor always so quick just to Chop Chop chop. Amputation no necesally." Joe was finally relieved.
..."You wait 10 day, it fall off on it's own"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i2o8r/the_business_trip/
%
I don't like peanut butter...

it just isn't my jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i2o7t/i_dont_like_peanut_butter/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common...

Its a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i2ln0/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
Superman was out flying around...

...when he happened to see (via his x-ray vision) Wonder Woman in a nearby house, alone and lying naked on a bed. He was very turned on by the sight and quickly had an evil thought. "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, so I bet I could fly in there, have my way with her, and be outta there before she even realizes what's happening."
So he flew in, thrusted away, and departed at an incomprehensible speed. As he flew away again, Wonder Woman exclaimed, "What the hell was that?!"
And the Invisible Man replied, "I don't know, but it sure tore up my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i2lmr/superman_was_out_flying_around/
%
The cabride.

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i2lcn/the_cabride/
%
An Ob-Gyn asks a woman to get in the stirrups and he says, "My god, you have the biggest vagina I've ever seen!"

She says, "Well you didn't have to say it twice." He says, "I didn't".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i2kax/an_obgyn_asks_a_woman_to_get_in_the_stirrups_and/
%
This year's presidential election shares the same tagline as the 2004 movie "Alien versus Predator".

"Whoever wins... We lose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i2fnj/this_years_presidential_election_shares_the_same/
%
A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but pants...

The host asks: "What are you supposed to be?"
The man replies: "I am a premature ejaculation!"
To which the host replies: "Interesting... But why are you not wearing a shirt or shoes or a hat or anything else?"
The man says: "Well I just came in my pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i2dgp/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party_wearing_nothing_but/
%
Why aren't there many dead baby jokes anymore?

They don't age well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i2cd0/why_arent_there_many_dead_baby_jokes_anymore/
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I'll do you like I do my homework...

For two minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i29sz/ill_do_you_like_i_do_my_homework/
%
Why did the baseball player fail at the math test?

He used base 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i25bb/why_did_the_baseball_player_fail_at_the_math_test/
%
Gorilla Removal

A man came home from work to an escaped gorilla on the roof of his house.  He quickly Googled how to remedy this situation and stumbled upon a phone number for a gorilla removal expert.
He called.
When the expert arrived, he hopped out of his truck with a baseball bat, shotgun and his rottweiler.
The expert came over to the homeowner and told him he would climb up on the roof and knock the gorilla off the roof with the baseball bat. When the gorilla landed, the dog would grab on to the gorilla's testicles to subdue it while he restrained it.
He then handed the homeowner the shotgun.
As the expert started to climb up on to the roof, the homeowner asked what the shotgun was for.
The expert told him that if the gorilla knocked him off the roof, shoot the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i253b/gorilla_removal/
%
People have been on the hunt for sasquatch for some time now.

Finding one has proven to be no small feat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i20m6/people_have_been_on_the_hunt_for_sasquatch_for/
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What do you call a Trump supporter on a Friday night?

A bad person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i1znl/what_do_you_call_a_trump_supporter_on_a_friday/
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A man confronts his father

After years of therapy a man has a break through and confronts his father.
**Son** Father, I have been in therapy and realized that you have almost never told me the truth about any thing.
**Father** Well, son, I must admit, looking back, it is true.
**Son** ALMOST ALWAYS, Except, oddly, when ever you had just used the bath room.
**Father** Again, It seems like you found me out.
**Son** But why only then!? It is the question that sent me to therapy in the first place!
The father looks at his grown son quizzically and responds
"I thought that was obvious, those were the only times I wasn't full of shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i1wzn/a_man_confronts_his_father/
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What did one suicide bomber say to the other?

"Dude, I don't think it worked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i1sn2/what_did_one_suicide_bomber_say_to_the_other/
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i1qlm/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_on_an_army/
%
Today I asked the librarian if they had any scary books.

She whispered "They're behind you..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i1mv3/today_i_asked_the_librarian_if_they_had_any_scary/
%
Confucius say...

...sex on beach is like American beer, very near water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i1mk6/confucius_say/
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I had a dream about mufflers last night...

I woke up exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i1m4c/i_had_a_dream_about_mufflers_last_night/
%
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?

Tiger Woods has a better driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i1ian/what_is_the_difference_between_tiger_woods_and/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

they don't know where home is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i1an2/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.

"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i1ahi/a_man_comes_home_to_find_his_wife_of_10_years/
%
What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i18an/what_animal_has_five_legs/
%
What can a roll of Life-Savers do that a man can't?

Come in 5 different colors and flavors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i17oh/what_can_a_roll_of_lifesavers_do_that_a_man_cant/
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What is brown and bad for teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i15jf/what_is_brown_and_bad_for_teeth/
%
Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority?

Because they don't like Dick's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i119a/why_do_lesbians_shop_at_sports_authority/
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A guy goes into a military surplus store...

..and asks the owner if he has any camouflage jackets. He says, "I've got hundreds, but I can't find any of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0ykw/a_guy_goes_into_a_military_surplus_store/
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My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone.

"Recoil", I calmly answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0wzl/my_therapist_asked_me_what_id_feel_if_i_shot/
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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0vb2/what_is_the_difference_between_ignorance_and/
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Just broke my record for distance of ejaculation.

I've cum a long way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0uxd/just_broke_my_record_for_distance_of_ejaculation/
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Jokes about female hygiene are totally inappropriate

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0swc/jokes_about_female_hygiene_are_totally/
%
A busload of people die

and go to heaven. Not just any busload, because this particular group was an "ugly person support group", on their way to Disneyland. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter looks at them all lined up and sighs, saying "since you all had such a rough life, due to being hideous, and you died so tragically, I'll grant each of you one wish". The first person in line wastes no time in saying "I want to be gorgeous!" and plans the details of her looks. The line suddenly becomes abuzz with excitement as each person wishes for the exact same thing, one after another, beauty after beauty to the delight of everyone. As the line thinned, and after the last 4 models were created, all that was left was a hideous, chuckling man. Saint Peter looked quizzically at the man as he laughed a bit harder, and asked "My son, what wish would you have me grant you?" And the man looked him dead in the eye and said "Make them all ugly again".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0sm9/a_busload_of_people_die/
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0rzv/what_do_you_call_a_boomerang_that_doesnt_come/
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Don't compare whales to feminists...

It's very offensive to whales

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0qso/dont_compare_whales_to_feminists/
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I took the shell off my racing snail to speed it up.

If anything it made it more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0ppx/i_took_the_shell_off_my_racing_snail_to_speed_it/
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Family Planning

After having their 11th child, a couple decided that enough is enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called 'vasectomy' that would fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem...."
"Trust me.... it will do the job," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. With one hand he held the can up to his ear and began to count with his fingers: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0phn/family_planning/
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Did you hear about the man who died of a viagra overdose?

They couldn't close his coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0m78/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_died_of_a_viagra/
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What does wearing crocs and getting a blowjob from a man have in common?

They both feel good until you look down and realize you're gay.
TAKE THAT CROC LOBBY #againstbigcroc
I understand if I get downvoted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0jrx/what_does_wearing_crocs_and_getting_a_blowjob/
%
"One mans trash, is another mans treasure"

I guess thats a good way to say that your girlfriend is a whore...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0jk4/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure/
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How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't, they just shoot the room for being black.
I guess you could say that was dark humor? ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0g36/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
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A man goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "Sir, you have to stop masturbating."

The man asks, "Why, doc?"  And the doctor replies, "Because I'm examining you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0f4l/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_the_doctor_tells_him/
%
I was getting a massage and I asked the masseuse if it was normal for a man to get an erection

He replied that it was. So I asked if he could get it out of my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0dhg/i_was_getting_a_massage_and_i_asked_the_masseuse/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican racist?

he joined the que que que.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0beq/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_racist/
%
The Quran is like weed

If you burn it you get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i0a3o/the_quran_is_like_weed/
%
LPT: if you're trying to study, don't listen to music with lyrics

Any modern pop-song should do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i053a/lpt_if_youre_trying_to_study_dont_listen_to_music/
%
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

Remarry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i01cf/what_do_you_do_when_your_dishwasher_breaks/
%
Why do ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i00v6/why_do_ants_get_sick/
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The official dance for my new mixtape has 3 steps...

Stop, drop, and roll!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i000p/the_official_dance_for_my_new_mixtape_has_3_steps/
%
TIFU by posting a joke online...

You had already reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hzrp0/tifu_by_posting_a_joke_online/
%
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hzqlp/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
%
I hate Cinco De Mayo!

-Said no Juan ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hzp8o/i_hate_cinco_de_mayo/
%
Why did the proctologist have his cars towed to the auto repair shop?

He rectum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hzomi/why_did_the_proctologist_have_his_cars_towed_to/
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I just sold all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay

Imagine all the PayPal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hznyp/i_just_sold_all_my_john_lennon_memorabilia_on_ebay/
%
Whats the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?

The position of the dirtbag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hznw6/whats_the_difference_between_a_hoover_and_a_harley/
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What do you call a sad coffee?

A depresso hahaha fuck you all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hzn8h/what_do_you_call_a_sad_coffee/
%
So I was at a conference for experimental philosophy...

and it was getting a bit dull so I turned to the guy next to me and asked
"So, what do you do?"
He lit up, eager to tell all.
"Well, I'm studying the effects of introducing rodents to Nihilistic thinking through an intricate series of signals and experiments. Nice to meet cha!"
Ah, I replied.....
Mice to Nietszche.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hzl3g/so_i_was_at_a_conference_for_experimental/
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Today is the day

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hzjkc/today_is_the_day/
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A Cuban, a Canadian, and a homophobic walk into a bar

The bartender says, "What'll it be, Senator Cruz?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hzhoc/a_cuban_a_canadian_and_a_homophobic_walk_into_a/
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Girl friend of a boy starts farting at the dinning table...and she feels that no one has noticed it.....but....

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.  This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.  They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.  It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard thepouf.  Before she even had a chanceto be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.  A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.  This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".  A few minutes laterthe woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!  Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hzgpl/girl_friend_of_a_boy_starts_farting_at_the/
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What's the gummy stuff between sharks teeth?

Slow swimmers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hzdkc/whats_the_gummy_stuff_between_sharks_teeth/
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How do you reunite the Beatles?

With two bullets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hzcex/how_do_you_reunite_the_beatles/
%
Twitter addiction

A man goes to his doctor and says:
-Doctor, I think i am addicted to Twitter.
-Eh,sorry...I don't follow you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hz9zc/twitter_addiction/
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I named my penis pony...

..because it's the smaller version of what you really wanted and you only get a ride if you're under 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hz8cb/i_named_my_penis_pony/
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A man is kissing a tractor

A man is kissing and hugging a tractor
Another man goes up to him and says "what on earth are you doing to this tractor" the man replies explaining that him and his wife are having some marriage problems so a friend said that he should do some sexy thing to a tractor. (Attract her)
First time posting ever, sorry for any mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hz881/a_man_is_kissing_a_tractor/
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The wife of my boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss's' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?!"
"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hz82y/the_wife_of_my_boss/
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I hired a hitman

to kill the wife.
He said, I'll shoot her just below the left nipple.
I replied, I want her dead, Not fucking kneecapped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hz7up/i_hired_a_hitman/
%
Ever wonder why African dating agencies are so successful?

The clients always click

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hz7k0/ever_wonder_why_african_dating_agencies_are_so/
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Past& Sees Her.

Susie is a prostitute who doesn't want her gran to know. One day Police raid the brothel & line up the girls outside.The gran walks past& sees her.Quick thinking Susie tells her its a queue for free oranges, so her gran joins the queue. When the Police get to gran, they're surprised& ask her 'how do u do it at your age?'she replies ,I take my teeth out, peel back the skin& suck 'em until they're dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hz6vm/past_sees_her/
%
I like my Men like I like my Coffee

I'm Mormon. I'm not allowed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hz6u6/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
I hate talking to my boyfriend sometimes.

Every time I bring up his camping fetish, he pitches a huge tent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hz6ey/i_hate_talking_to_my_boyfriend_sometimes/
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There's a Russian gay couple...

One of them is called Vladislav, the other is called Karl. After happily loving each other for a fair few years, Karl discovers Vladislav is having an affair with Vladimir.
Devastated, Karl gets onto his knees in front of Vladislav and bellows:
"VLADISLAV? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hz5y5/theres_a_russian_gay_couple/
%
In bed with my Japanese girlfriend

when I happened to remark that her twat was getting a bit saggy .......... She lost it and said " Fack you maddafacka, why you always clittysizing me"!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hz4hb/in_bed_with_my_japanese_girlfriend/
%
My wife asked me

to pass her lipbalm & I gave her superglue by mistake.
She's still not talking to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hz3j0/my_wife_asked_me/
%
I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin

Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hz3a3/i_took_my_grandma_to_one_of_those_fish_spas_where/
%
What do gospel and interracial porn have in common?

Gifted black people and constant calls to God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hyzvq/what_do_gospel_and_interracial_porn_have_in_common/
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Gentleman

Lady patient says to Doctor inside his examination room, Doctor can you please call my husband inside, I am not feeling comfortable.
Doctor - trust me lady, I am a gentleman.
Lady patient - no that's not the issue. Your receptionist is alone outside and my husband is not a gentleman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hyza1/gentleman/
%
What do you call a lesbian Dinosaur?

Lickalotapus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hyw9a/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
How Moses makes his tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hyvzy/how_moses_makes_his_tea/
%
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching."
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hyn46/a_guy_goes_to_the_supermarket_and_notices_an/
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Kid vs barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hyn32/kid_vs_barber/
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What will you find in the toilet of a ship?

The captains log.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hykz0/what_will_you_find_in_the_toilet_of_a_ship/
%
What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry hahaha fuck you all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hyfv9/what_do_you_call_a_sad_strawberry/
%
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to Hide my Activities?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything Else?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, Hiring Cronies, And taking bribes from foreign countries?
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Turning our backs on Israel?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The joke Iran Nuke deal? "
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos? "
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens' ?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and China when Bill left Office?"
Trump: "THAT'S IT! I almost forgot about that one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hyapa/donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton_are_in_a_bar/
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Reports of a man being shot with a starters pistol..

Police think it may be race related

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hy52o/reports_of_a_man_being_shot_with_a_starters_pistol/
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[NSFW] My priest told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked, "Why?"

He told me, "The confessional is getting all sticky."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hy4ik/nsfw_my_priest_told_me_i_had_to_stop_masturbating/
%
Doctor, doctor I broke my arm in two places.

Doctor: Stop going to those places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hy3as/doctor_doctor_i_broke_my_arm_in_two_places/
%
A man tells his shrink he's no longer attracted to his wife.

"For some reason I'm only aroused by small pieces of fruit."
"I've seen this before, you have Twin Syndrome.," the doc replies.
"Twin Syndrome?"
"You only come in pears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hy1nm/a_man_tells_his_shrink_hes_no_longer_attracted_to/
%
If I got a dollar everytime someone called me a racist

Black people would rob me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hxwma/if_i_got_a_dollar_everytime_someone_called_me_a/
%
What's green got 6 legs and if it falls out of a tree it'll kill you ?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hxvl4/whats_green_got_6_legs_and_if_it_falls_out_of_a/
%
What do you call a fake noodle?

An Impasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hxuxq/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
The man who invented AutoCorrect has died.

Restaurant in piece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hxp86/the_man_who_invented_autocorrect_has_died/
%
Wives are also like hurricanes...

When they come they're wet and wild, when they leave they take your house and your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hxocl/wives_are_also_like_hurricanes/
%
Why was the 3 year old ethiopian kid crying

He was having a mid life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hxlcl/why_was_the_3_year_old_ethiopian_kid_crying/
%
A fish runs in to a wall and says...

"Dammit Donald!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hxkbv/a_fish_runs_in_to_a_wall_and_says/
%
My friends say I'm like a candle.

If you forget I exist, so help me God, I'll burn your house down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hxjqf/my_friends_say_im_like_a_candle/
%
Making Jokes About Racial Stereotypes

What do you call a white man surrounded by 4 black men?
Coach.
What do you call a white man surrounded by 12 black men?
Football Coach.
What do you call a white man surrounded by 40 black men?
Football Referee.
What do you call a white man surrounded by 100 black men?
Warden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hxfld/making_jokes_about_racial_stereotypes/
%
Why is having phone sex such a bad idea?

There's a good chance you'll get hearing AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hxcul/why_is_having_phone_sex_such_a_bad_idea/
%
When two organisms mutually benefit, it's called "symbiosis"

When only one organism benefits, it's called "parasitism." When neither benefits, that's called "marriage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hx99i/when_two_organisms_mutually_benefit_its_called/
%
My wife and I are expecting a child and I hope someone grabs her arm in public to talk about the baby.

That way I can say, "Hey! Leggo of my preggo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hx84v/my_wife_and_i_are_expecting_a_child_and_i_hope/
%
What's the difference between arguing with a girl and arguing with a knife?

The knife has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hx6yg/whats_the_difference_between_arguing_with_a_girl/
%
Guy getting test results from his doctor and the doctor says "we have some good news and some bad news"

"The good news is, we're going to name a disease after you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hx6hb/guy_getting_test_results_from_his_doctor_and_the/
%
What is the internal tmperature of a taun-taun

Luke warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hx529/what_is_the_internal_tmperature_of_a_tauntaun/
%
My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her.

Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hx4z6/my_girlfriend_just_got_mad_and_accused_me_of/
%
A wife gets naked...

…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hx1ly/a_wife_gets_naked/
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What does a redneck and yeast have in common?

They are both "in-bread"
Downvote me to hell if you want. This is my only joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwzfd/what_does_a_redneck_and_yeast_have_in_common/
%
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth...

Its pasteurized before you even see it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwynl/milk_is_also_the_fastest_liquid_on_earth/
%
An Old couple is having sex..

Right in the middle of it, as the old woman is moaning and twitching, the old man stops suddenly and remains motionless for a good 20 seconds. Then he continues from where left off.
Another minute later, he does the same thing. This goes on for a few more times, till finally the old woman has had it.
Old Woman : Just what in God's name are you doing.
Old man: I'm just trying this new technique I learnt on an Internet Porn Video site.
Old Woman : You stupid old man... its called Buffering!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwyec/an_old_couple_is_having_sex/
%
What is round, heavy, has 3 holes, and is often found in a gutter?

My ex wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwxuw/what_is_round_heavy_has_3_holes_and_is_often/
%
you know what kind of shoes chickens wear?

Reebok bok bok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwuum/you_know_what_kind_of_shoes_chickens_wear/
%
My mom laughed at me when I told her I was making a car out of spaghetti...

you should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwt2h/my_mom_laughed_at_me_when_i_told_her_i_was_making/
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F#ck Fame

A guy goes into a recording studio and hands the engineer what must be 50 grand in cash. He says, "I want you to record exactly what I say, then use the leftover money to print up as many CDs as you can, and send them to every record label head, A&R rep, talent scout and manager in the business."
The engineer looks at the huge amount of cash and agrees. He sets up a mic in the booth then heads back into the console. The guy goes into the booth, closes the door and starts to speak:
"Since I was little, all I ever wanted to be was a musician. I trained with the best in the business, practiced every day, and made myself too be the best I could possibly be. I learned to write songs and record, played every instrument on my demo tapes and created masterpieces. And then I brought them to you people at the record companies. And you rejected me. I tried again and again, refining and bettering my work, but the response was always the same - that people didn't want musicianship, talent, and songs written from the heart. They wanted easy to swallow crap that was familiar and easy to listen to. They wanted the same old shit, instead of something original!"
"Well, I'm fucking fed up! I've worked my whole life and have never been successful! You've ruined my dream, crushed my hopes and destroyed me! I have nothing left to live for, and I hope you're all happy!"
With that, he takes a gun out of his pocket and shoots himself dead, right in the vocal booth.
Just then the engineer comes on the talkback mic and says, "Okay, I got the levels all set. Let's try a take."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwqwv/fck_fame/
%
For a dollar more...

There's a white couple where the man goes to work and the woman is a house wife.
Everyday, while the man went to work, the housewife would invite her black male friend over to have sex.
They would have sex, and the black man would leave before the husband would ever get home.
Everyday after work, the man would come home and BEG for sex. Wife replies saying "No!" every time.
One day, the man came home early from work, the wife noticed and rushed the black man out and he slipped away Just as the husband walked in.
Husband asks, "Can we pleeaasse have sex?!?!"
Filled with guilt, the wife says "Fine, but you need to go get a condom!"
The man RUSHED away to the market.
Turns out he forget his wallet and had only $1 in his pocket.
Man walks up to the cashier and asks "Do you have any condoms?"
Cashier says "Nope... but we have balloons..."
Man goes "Dammit..... what colors do you have?"
Cashier: "We have red and black"
Man: "How much for the red one?"
Cashier: "$2"
Man: "ahhh, black one?"
Cashier: "$1"
So the man buys the balloon, rushes home, makes love to his wife, the balloon breaks, and the wife is furious. Regardless, the man was happy.
...
10 years go by and the couple's child is now old enough to sit at the table.
Boy says "Dad can I ask you a question?"
Man: "Son you can ask me anything your heart desires!"
Boy looks down at his hands and arms and asks "Dad, why are you and mom white and I'm black skinned?"
Dad: "You know what son, for a dollar more, you could have been RED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwpvl/for_a_dollar_more/
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What kind of bees make milk?

Boo-bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwm25/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk/
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Russians are going to war with germans

So russia declares war to germany... they plan out an attack... the soldiers start getting ready the day before.... and get thinking "Most of us will probably die tomorrow... we should get drunk". And so they do... they get completely wasted, sell all their tanks for more vodka, sell their guns, grenades EVERYTHING..... wake up the next morning hungover as fuck... but you still gotta go to war... and so they go out with no weapons... walking through a forest one of them gets the idea "Hey lets grab some sticks and at least pretend they're real guns"... Well what have they got to lose - they do it. A few minutes later they see a german in a tree... one of the soldiers points the stick and goes "BAM BAM"... waits a second and goes "Fall to the ground, I shot you"... the german looks at him, also hungover as fuck "Fuck you I'm in a tank"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwl9y/russians_are_going_to_war_with_germans/
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Bill Clinton said Hillary is clearly the best choice for president...

He knows for a fact there is no chance she'll blow it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwitq/bill_clinton_said_hillary_is_clearly_the_best/
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I'm going to be filing a complaint with the shampoo company...

My girlfriend recently dumped me and this "No Tears" stuff isn't working at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwhn2/im_going_to_be_filing_a_complaint_with_the/
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What do Taylor Swift and Avada Kedavra have in common?

They'll leave you breathless or with a nasty scar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwg8c/what_do_taylor_swift_and_avada_kedavra_have_in/
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After a plane crash, only one woman and two men survived and are lost on a virgin island...

...so they start organizing their new lives, because they have no hope of ever seeing help. While one of them is in charge of hunting and picking fruits, the others build a house, etc.
One day however, the woman decides to convoke both men and expose her frustration:
"It's been so long since any of us had sex, and I think it's driving us crazy" *both men nod* "and, given the circumstances, I feel like we could all use some good sex. So here's the plan: I stay with you *pointing at the first man* for five days, then you *pointing at the second* the next five. And repeat."
Everyone seems satisfied with this turn of events, and life happily continues on the island. The survivors even built a second house, so that each man would have his and not interfere while the other was "busy" in the other house.
However, one day, as worse came to worst, the woman suddenly died of a tropical illness.
Both men then meet, and, in a very sad mood, look at each other: "Hey man, it's gonna be tough, but I really can't live without the sex anymore." "Yeah, we need to find something" ... "So, you for five days, me for the next five, repeat?..." *the second one sadly nods*
And so, life continued, surely, far less fun than before.
Many weeks after this discussion however, both men once again discuss: "Man, I'm sorry, but I can't take it anymore, we need to do something!" "I was about to propose the same thing..."
"Where should we bury her?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwfi0/after_a_plane_crash_only_one_woman_and_two_men/
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one day a soda can got crushed

The next day it went to his therapist and said I'm sodapressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwf7p/one_day_a_soda_can_got_crushed/
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What do you call a black man in a ghetto walking around with a boombox on his shoulders?

A stereotype

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwefd/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_in_a_ghetto_walking/
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement

... whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwcua/the_european_commission_has_just_announced_an/
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Why did Hitler turn to genocide after a failed career as an artist?

He never learned to mix the colors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hwasw/why_did_hitler_turn_to_genocide_after_a_failed/
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What's the difference between a joke on Reddit and a joke on 9Gag?

About a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hw43s/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_on_reddit_and/
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A teacher is in front of her class and asks them a question...

"If seven birds are on a fence, and a hunter shoots one, how many are left?"
Tommy began to wave his hand wildly, so the teacher calls on him.
"I know how many" says Tommy, "None-- cuz the gunshot scared off all the birds."
The teacher smiles and tells him "I'm afraid not Tommy, the answer is that there are six birds left, but I like the way you think."
Later Tommy corners the teacher to clarify the lesson and asks her a question. "Ok" he says, "so there are two women sitting on a bench eating ice cream." The teacher nods. "So each of these women is eating ice cream, but one is fat and the other is thin. The thin woman delicately licks at her ice cream, but the fat woman just crams it all in her mouth-- which woman is married?"
Blushing, the teacher hesitantly says "I guess the one who crammed all the ice cream in her mouth."
"I'm afraid not" Tommy says, "the answer is the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hw43m/a_teacher_is_in_front_of_her_class_and_asks_them/
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Why does Kylo Ren have a hard time making friends?

Because for most of his life, he's Ben Solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hw3gp/why_does_kylo_ren_have_a_hard_time_making_friends/
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How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask?

He's Force fed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hw214/how_does_darth_vader_manage_to_eat_through_that/
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What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hw0fm/whats_the_worst_thing_about_breaking_up_with_a/
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I have you know that my penis was once in the Guinness book of world records...

but then the librarian yelled and told me to leave the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hvzvj/i_have_you_know_that_my_penis_was_once_in_the/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German

are all standing watching a street performer do some impressive juggling. The juggler noticed that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hvyr2/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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I asked my secret crush if she wanted to invest in my new invention idea, chloroform kleenex.

She decided to sleep on it...at my place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hvvns/i_asked_my_secret_crush_if_she_wanted_to_invest/
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How do you know if you are a necrophiliac?

You get mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hvrr4/how_do_you_know_if_you_are_a_necrophiliac/
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hvidz/a_bus_station_is_where_a_bus_stops_a_train/
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What do porn and heavy metal have in common?

Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hvhov/what_do_porn_and_heavy_metal_have_in_common/
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I'm quitting drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hvhkc/im_quitting_drinking_for_good/
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74 Offensive Jokes

Do not read if you are easily offended.
Food is like dark humor, not everyone gets it.
So I’m eating at my favorite restaurant, right? And all of the sudden this jerk from security walks up to me and says I have to leave, and long story short, I’m no longer allowed at the abortion clinic.
What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can’t take a joke.
What’s black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
What’s the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps can finish a race.
What’s the difference between an onion and a hooker? I cry when I’m cutting up an onion.
What’s the similarities between a jew and a stiff nipple? They both disappear after a hot shower.
What’s the difference between an apple and a dead baby? I don’t ejaculate on an apple before I eat it.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
What do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor.
Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
Scientists have proven that women will, at some point in their lives, contain intelligent DNA.. Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she didn't have a seatbelt on.
What's black and found at the top of stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
What's 18 inches long, stiff, and makes girls cry all night long? Cot death.
Have you ever had Ethiopian food before? Neither have they.
What’s the best way to get bubble gum out of your hair? Leukemia.
Why can’t blind people skydive? It scares the hell out of the dogs.
Did you know Helen Keller was one of the first visitors to Disney World? Neither did she.
What’s the difference between a watermelon and a dead baby? One’s fun to smash with a hammer, the other is a fruit.
What’s black and dangerous to cut through? The line at KFC.
What do you call a black woman who has an abortion? A crimestopper.
A jew with an erection runs into a wall, what breaks first? His nose.
How do you pick up Jewish chicks? A dustpan.
How do you get a Jewish girl’s number? Ask her to roll up her sleeve.
What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? Ash.
What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? The boy scout came back from camp.
What’s the difference between a pizza and a jew? You WANT the pizza to come out of the oven.
What’s worse than the Holocaust? 6 million jews.
Why isn’t Hitler invited to barbecues? He burns all the Franks.
Why did so many Jews die in Auschwitz? The exit was coin operated.
What’s the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank? Harry came out of the chamber.
Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s? They fall through the holes in his hands.
What’s the difference between a jew and Santa? Santa goes down the chimney.
Why can’t women ski? There’s no snow in the kitchen.
If a truck driver hits a woman with his truck, who’s to blame? The truck driver, he shouldn’t have been driving in the kitchen.
Why don’t women wear watches? There’s a clock on the stove.
*Graphic Content* What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.
What’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis.
4 out of 5 people enjoy gang rape.
What has 6 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet? The line at the Boston Marathon.
Why don’t Saudi’s have sex ed and drivers ed in the same week? To give the camels a break.
How do you castrate a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
People say pedophiles are terrible people, but at least they slow down in school zones.
What’s the difference between acne and a priest? Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re 13.
What’s better than being in the special olympics? Not being retarded.
What’s the best part about having sex with twenty nine year olds? There’s 20 of them.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile the other day. Pretty big word for a 10 year old.
*Graphic Content* What’s 5 inches, pink, and makes my girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage.
Why do women have small feet? So they can stand closer to the sink.
What kind of file is needed to stretch a hole from 10mm to 30mm? A Pedophile.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Newton’s 1st Law of Motion.
I’m still looking for my ex-wife’s murderer, but no one will do it.
Have you heard the one about the child with aids? It never gets old.
I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I wondered to myself “Is that mine?”. Fortunately, when I got home, it was still there, shining my shoes.
What’s small, red, and climbs up your leg? A homesick abortion.
My friends gave me his Epipen right before he died, he really wanted me to keep it.
What do you call an abortion surgeon? Spawn camper.
What’s the difference between an ISIS training camp and n Afghan wedding? I don’t know man, I just fly the drones.
*Graphic Content* What is worse than a pile of dead babies? The live one on the bottom eating its way out.
My wife is mad at me because she caught me having sex with our child. She was really upset because our child died only three days ago. But now that I think about it, isn't it strange the abortion clinic let us keep it?
Why can't you fool an aborted baby? It wasn't born yesterday.
How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth? All of them.
I like my women like I like my pizza. Sliced up and in a box.
I like my women like I like my coffee, ground up and in a freezer.
How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb. I don’t know, but I know it’s at least more than 24.
*Graphic Content* What’s the hardest part of cutting up a dead baby? My erection.
What’s the difference between a bag of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
How do you turn off a Jew? Offswitch (say it fast).
Why can’t Helen Keller drive? Because she’s a woman. Just kidding, it’s because she’s dead.
Why can’t Helen Keller have kids? Because she’s dead.
What’s silver and hates kids? A coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hvb79/74_offensive_jokes/
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A musician, a lumberjack, and a mathematician were in a room together...

They made a log-rhythm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hva9a/a_musician_a_lumberjack_and_a_mathematician_were/
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I can finally scratch "murdering an anonymous vagrant" off my bucket list.

I didn't do it, it just doesn't seem all that appealing anymore I guess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hv98g/i_can_finally_scratch_murdering_an_anonymous/
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Top 10 worst jokes!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!
1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2.A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."
3.Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4.A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5.A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6.Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7."Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8.Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9.An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10.Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11.I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
12.A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut off your arms!"
13.I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!"
16.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18.A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20.And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hv0yd/top_10_worst_jokes/
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What's the difference between Western and Middle -Eastern atheists?

Western atheists have heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4huzz2/whats_the_difference_between_western_and_middle/
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When I was young, I thought girls didn't poop

Now I realize they're all full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4huwwp/when_i_was_young_i_thought_girls_didnt_poop/
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Do you know what 80 year old vagina tastes like?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4huwbt/do_you_know_what_80_year_old_vagina_tastes_like/
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What do Ted Cruz and Donald Trump's dad have in common?

They both waited too long to pull out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4huutl/what_do_ted_cruz_and_donald_trumps_dad_have_in/
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Wives are like grenades...

Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hutiw/wives_are_like_grenades/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

7 was a registered 6 offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4husqr/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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Two men are staring at a pole.

After a while a blonde woman walks up to them and asks them what they are looking at.
One of them says, " We are trying to determine the height of the pole."
So the blonde quickly opens her purse, removes a spanner, unscrews the bolts and lays the pole flat on the ground. She then pulls out a measuring tape, measures the distance between the two ends, tells it to the two men and walks away.
After hearing this one man tells the other, "What an idiot! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4huq33/two_men_are_staring_at_a_pole/
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My girlfriend started smoking

so I slowed down and applied lubricant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4humtq/my_girlfriend_started_smoking/
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A hooker and a priest walk into a spaceship...

It lasts for 1 season and a movie and everyone throws a fit when it won't come back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4huiqr/a_hooker_and_a_priest_walk_into_a_spaceship/
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What's the difference between Davey Crockett and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hubbb/whats_the_difference_between_davey_crockett_and/
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What do Jedi say on May 4th?

May the force be with you just like every other day because they have no concept of our Gregorian calendar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hub0i/what_do_jedi_say_on_may_4th/
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"I don't know why you're shaking, I'm the one about to be eaten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hu9vb/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
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In the latest federal North Korean election, Kim Jung Un won 100% of the vote.

A landslide victory against his sole competitor: "*Or else*".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hu8uf/in_the_latest_federal_north_korean_election_kim/
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What do you call the largest number of grizzlies you can fit in a car?

The bear maximum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hu8tp/what_do_you_call_the_largest_number_of_grizzlies/
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What's the difference between a blimp and 1,000 blowjobs?

One was a Good Year and one was a great year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hu88l/whats_the_difference_between_a_blimp_and_1000/
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*NSFW-ish* Two nuns

Two nun's are crossing the road when a vampire jumps out.
Nun 1 turns to Nun 2 and says "Quick, show him your cross"
Nun 2 turns to the Vampire and says "Oi, Fuck off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hu86k/nsfwish_two_nuns/
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Cop sees a blonde with a bunch of penguins in the back of her car

So he stops her and asks her what she is doing with a bunch of penguins. She says she just saw them on the road and opened the door and they got in.
"You've got to take those penguins to the zoo," he says. Next day he sees her again with the penguins still in the back of her car.
Cop: Lady I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.
Blonde: I did and we had such a good time, today we're going to the park.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hu6yx/cop_sees_a_blonde_with_a_bunch_of_penguins_in_the/
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What's the difference between a power outlet and a Girl

I can turn one on...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hu4il/whats_the_difference_between_a_power_outlet_and_a/
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The shutter speed of the iPhone 6's camera is so high...

...it can take a pic of a woman with her mouth shut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hu3x4/the_shutter_speed_of_the_iphone_6s_camera_is_so/
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My daughter just lost her first tooth!

That'll teach her to talk back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hu1u0/my_daughter_just_lost_her_first_tooth/
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What rhymes with orange?

No it doesn't!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hu06o/what_rhymes_with_orange/
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I was at a funeral last week

and someone actually had the nerve to ask me if I knew what the WiFi password was.
I said, "Show some respect for the dead!".
They replied, "all lower case with no spaces?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4htyrl/i_was_at_a_funeral_last_week/
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I used to have a fear of speed bumps

But I'm slowly getting over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4htypz/i_used_to_have_a_fear_of_speed_bumps/
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Why did the cat give birth at the park?

Because the sign at the park said "Fine for Littering"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4htxip/why_did_the_cat_give_birth_at_the_park/
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A programmer walks into a bar

. Barman ask him if he wants "beer or whiskey", he responded "yes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4httsi/a_programmer_walks_into_a_bar/
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Ted Cruz has aborted his campaign

..but I say he should be forced to carry it to full term

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4httr7/ted_cruz_has_aborted_his_campaign/
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Two blondes are walking through a forrest...

They come across some tracks and the first blonde says." I think these are deer tracks". The second blonde says." No these look like rabbit tracks". They keep arguing untill an hour later they were hit by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4htpyk/two_blondes_are_walking_through_a_forrest/
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A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4htpnp/a_programmer_goes_on_a_walk_before_he_leaves_the/
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I got a new pair of gloves today but they're both 'lefts'

Which, on the one hand, is great

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4htpl6/i_got_a_new_pair_of_gloves_today_but_theyre_both/
%
John Cena wakes up in the hospital

Cena : Where am I?
Nurse :  I.C.U
Cena : No you can't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4htoqu/john_cena_wakes_up_in_the_hospital/
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What did Ted Cruz's wife get after being elbowed by him?

A Ted Bruz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4htnrd/what_did_ted_cruzs_wife_get_after_being_elbowed/
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So in the old days Jesus told me that he needs an ark, I reply :

"I noah guy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4htl32/so_in_the_old_days_jesus_told_me_that_he_needs_an/
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What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Michael Phelps can actually finish off a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4htk5h/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
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I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4htd03/i_was_at_a_restaurant_and_my_waitress_had_a_black/
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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4htcey/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Ted Cruz takes his religious values very seriously

He always pulls out before finishing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ht6cc/ted_cruz_takes_his_religious_values_very_seriously/
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I'm giving up alcohol for a month....

Wait, sorry. That came out wrong.
I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ht4jq/im_giving_up_alcohol_for_a_month/
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Once upon a time, there were 3 little ducks who lived by a peaceful pond.

One day they got into trouble and were sent to Bob, the duck who was in charge of the pond.
The first one stepped up in front of Bob and looked shamefaced.
Bob asked, "What’s your name?"
The little duck replied, "Duck."
"Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bob.
"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," replied Duck.
"You know you’re not supposed to do that it’s against the rules. You’re suspended from the pond for one week."
Duck waddled away. The second duck approached Bob.
"What’s your name?" Bob asked.
The little duck replied, "Duck Duck."
"Why did you get sent to me?" Bob asked.
"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck Duck.
"You know you’re not supposed to do that, it’s against the rules. You’re suspended from the pond for one week."
Duck Duck waddled away.
Now Bob was pretty smart and thought he had discovered a pattern.
When the third duck waddled up to him, Bob said, "Let me guess. You’re Duck Duck Duck?"
"No," replied the little duck. "I’m Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ht3mx/once_upon_a_time_there_were_3_little_ducks_who/
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Why are Austalian grocery stores the best?

Because of their Koala Tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ht370/why_are_austalian_grocery_stores_the_best/
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Ted Cruz should have been forced to carry his Campaign to term...

Terminating it is unchristian afterall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ht0xc/ted_cruz_should_have_been_forced_to_carry_his/
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Why can't a blonde dial 911 ?

She can't find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ht0dr/why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
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[Dirty] Double punch joke

Kid 1: Hey, I bet you're still a virgin.
Kid 2: Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .
Kid 1: As if.
Kid 2: Yeah, just ask your sister.
Kid 1: I don't have a sister.
Kid 2: You will in about nine months.
6 months  later
kid 1: Why you so fat ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hsuqf/dirty_double_punch_joke/
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A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them.

After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, screws them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep screwing, and upon returning home falls exhausted into bed. The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. “No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is beeping the horn.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hsu7g/a_new_farmer_buys_several_sheep_hoping_to_breed/
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What do colors say when they laugh?

Huehuehuehuehuehuehuehue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hsrn8/what_do_colors_say_when_they_laugh/
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What's brown and ryhmes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hsozx/whats_brown_and_ryhmes_with_snoop/
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I'm thinking about having an open casket funeral...

Remains to be seen.
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hsnfs/im_thinking_about_having_an_open_casket_funeral/
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"One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great quote but,

its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hsj3y/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure_is_a/
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History of Medicine

I have an earache:
2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. -That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. -That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. -That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. -That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. -That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
- Author Unknown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hsiou/history_of_medicine/
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If Jesus was on a penny they would call it a JC Penny

I get sad every time I look in a mirror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hsh4c/if_jesus_was_on_a_penny_they_would_call_it_a_jc/
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Which chord is essential to every Christian song?

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hsel4/which_chord_is_essential_to_every_christian_song/
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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a plane crash. Who survives?

America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hsdai/donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton_are_in_a_plane/
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Pink Ping Pong Ball

A little boy named Marty was born one day to a wealthy family. On Marty's second birthday, his mom asked Marty what he wanted for his birthday. Marty said, "I want a pink ping pong ball!" Mom was confused why Marty wanted pink ping pong balls but agreed to buy them for her son's sake.
Fast forward to Marty's 12^th birthday. Marty was treated to a surprise birthday party that he did not know about. He got cake and presents but was not satisfied. Marty's dad walked up to him and said, "Marty, it doesn't seem like you want any of your presents. What would you like for your birthday?" Marty said, "I want a pink ping pong ball!" Dad thought this was just a phase that he is going through and agrees to buy such a weird item for his son's birthday.
Fast forward to Marty's graduation day. Marty was dressed all nice and his parents were taking photos of him. His parents wanted to get Marty anything he wanted, no matter the price. Marty looked at them and said, "I want a pink ping pong ball!" Both parents looked at each other and agreed since it was such a special day. In their minds, however, they were wondering what Marty is doing with these ping pong balls.
Fast forward to Marty's wedding day. Marty is in his tuxedo with his newly wedded wife next to him. He sees his parents and his teenage brother grabbing some food. They see Marty and walk over to him. Marty's brother said, "Congrats bro! For this special day, I will get you anything you want that is reasonable for me to afford. Quickly, Marty said, "I want a pink ping pong ball!" The brother was shocked and sort of weirded out by this request. Without complaint, he agrees.
Fast forward about 50 years later. Marty is on his hospital bed where the doctors say he is not going to make it. Marty is barely awake and his grandson is by his side. The grandson is crying and wants to ask a question to Marty. He says, "Grandpa Marty, can you answer this one question that I have been meaning to ask you for years? Why did you always ask for a pink ping pong ball for a gift?" Marty looks at him and says, "Well my boy, it is because..." And then he dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hsa2f/pink_ping_pong_ball/
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Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate?

To lay off his campaign staff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hs8al/why_did_cruz_pick_carly_fiorina_as_his_running/
%
A man and his monkey walk into a bar

. They sit down and order a drink.
The bar tender instantly recognises the man and monkey and says "*Hey, that's the monkey that ate the 8-ball off of the billiards table!*"
The man reassures him "*Don't worry, he won't be doing it this time*". So the bartender reluctantly serves the man and his monkey their drinks and some peanuts.
Seeing the bowl, the monkey then picks up a peanut, *puts it up its butt*, takes it out and eats it.
The bartender stands there **speechless**. Again, without skipping a beat, the monkey takes another peanut, puts it up its butt, takes it out and eats it.
Recovering from his shock, the bartender bellows "*Can you see that!! Your monkey is taking the peanuts, reaching around, **shoving them up his butt**, taking them out and eating them!!*"
"*That's right*", the man says, "*He makes sure to check everything ever since the 8-ball incident*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hs6q8/a_man_and_his_monkey_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade, he comes home crying...

When his mother asks why, he replies,  "The teacher told us to say our ABC's and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to "E" why is that?"
Mom says, "Cause you black and they white."
Next day Tyrone is crying again .
"What's wrong today Tyrone?" His mother asks.
Tyrone said, "Teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did, but I could only get to 10. Why is that?"
Mom says, "Cause u black and they white."
Next day he comes home smiling.
"What happened today Tyrone?"
Tyrone says to his mama, "We went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all. Is that cause I'm black and they white?"
Mama says, "No Tyrone. It's cause u 17 and they 6."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hs5ab/tyrone_s_1st_day_in_the_first_grade_he_comes_home/
%
A ten story building is on fire.

A crowd of people is gathering below to watch, but the building is really in trouble. Just when it seems like everyone is out and the building is about to collapse, a woman sticks her head out of the window on the top story. She has a baby in her arms.
"Help! Help!" She cries. "Someone save my baby! Someone save my baby!"
A man steps out of the crowd. Tall, burly, and majestic, he calls up to the woman.
"Ma'am, my name is Rob Gronkowski, I'm a professional football tight end. I catch balls for a living. If you drop your baby, I promise I will catch it."
The woman looks at the burning building behind her. The flames lick her heels. She sees she has no choice.
She sticks the baby out the window, raised high as Simba, and she drops it.
The crowd falls immediately silent. The baby plummets for what seems like an eternity until, at last, it falls right into the strong, powerful arms of professional football player Rob Gronkowski. The baby is unharmed. A perfect catch.
The crowd roars. People hug each other and cry. And Gronk, lost in exultation, performs his patented touchdown celebration.
He raises the baby high above his head, like a football, and Gronk-spikes it into the asphalt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hs1ad/a_ten_story_building_is_on_fire/
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Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby?

At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hrp5p/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_baby/
%
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London

The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hroie/a_texan_a_russian_and_a_new_yorker_go_to_a/
%
What state did the programmer start her road trip in?

Maine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hrn2h/what_state_did_the_programmer_start_her_road_trip/
%
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

If it had four, it'd be called a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hrkac/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_two_doors/
%
Beer is mankind's best invention ever, but

the wheel is the most revolutionary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hrdko/beer_is_mankinds_best_invention_ever_but/
%
A blonde, brunette and ginger get lost in the woods

They make a shelter but start getting hungry so the brunette decides to go out hunting. She returns with a rabbit and the blonde asks "how'd you get that?", the brunette replies "Oh I just followed some tracks and found it"
The next day the ginger decides to go out hunting, she returns with a deer, and the blonde asks "how'd you get that?", the ginger replies "Oh I just followed some tracks and found it"
The next day the blonde decides to go out hunting, she returns covered in bruises and cuts, the brunette asks "what happened to you?" The blonde replies "I followed some tracks and got hit by a train".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hrb0y/a_blonde_brunette_and_ginger_get_lost_in_the_woods/
%
16 Sodium atoms walked into a bar

followed by Batman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hr041/16_sodium_atoms_walked_into_a_bar/
%
A young actress runs into a famous movie producer in an elevator....

...she says "I'm a big fan of your work. I'll give you a blow job if you put me in one of your movies". He replies. "Ok, but what's in it for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hqrw3/a_young_actress_runs_into_a_famous_movie_producer/
%
Osama goes to hell

He arrives and the devil greets him. "Welcome" the devil says. "You have been a very bad man and you deserve to be here". "I will give you three options and you will decide which one you will do for eternity!"
The devil takes Osama to the first door and opens it. There is Michael Jackson filling up a jug of water and emptying it, over and over.
"How about this?" The devil asks..
"Nope, looks kind of boring" Osama replies.
The devil takes him to another door and opens it. Inside is George Bush swinging a pick and breaking rocks. Osama looks at the devil, "No thanks".
The devil opens the next door, and there is Bill Clinton getting a blowjob from Monica Lewinski. Osama's eyes light up "Yep, I'll do this". The devil asks "You sure?". Osama replies "Yes!"
The devil then looks in and says "Ok, Monica you can leave"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hqnhi/osama_goes_to_hell/
%
How much of northern Canada is livable?

*Nunavut*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hqmtt/how_much_of_northern_canada_is_livable/
%
I think my wife is suffering from Bulimic Amnesia

She keeps eating and eating and eating, and then forgetting to throw up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hqej9/i_think_my_wife_is_suffering_from_bulimic_amnesia/
%
My phone got arrested today...

It was charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hqbnm/my_phone_got_arrested_today/
%
Why did 10 die?

He was stuck in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hq6dp/why_did_10_die/
%
The Snapping Man

Dude is walking around the city.  As he passes a particular corner, he notices a gentleman leaning against the building, snapping his fingers.  Curious, our hero approaches the snapping man, and asks ”Say, my man, why are you snapping your fingers?”
The gentleman just smiles and keeps snapping.
Not really bothered, he keeps walking.  A few hours later, he passes by the same corner, and sees the same individual snapping his fingers at the same pace as before.  Once again, he approaches, and asks “Brother, why you snapping your fingers like that?”
The gentleman keeps smiling and snapping his fingers, but still says nothing.
Irritated, the walking man keeps walking.  As evening falls, he passes the same corner and sees that the snapping man still hasn’t stopped.  He walks right up to him and demands: “Man, tell me why you snapping your fingers or I’m gonna let you **have** it!”
The snapping man finally speaks: *“Why, I’m keeping the elephants away.”*
“ELEPHANTS!?  There ain’t no elephants two.. *three* thousand miles from here!”
*“Doing pretty good, ain’t I?”*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hq41v/the_snapping_man/
%
Marriage is like a deck of cards

At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.
By the end you just want a club and a spade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hpyoa/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/
%
I went to a new doctor the other day and found the doctor to be a young, drop-dead gorgeous female!

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before, Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hpts4/i_went_to_a_new_doctor_the_other_day_and_found/
%
A man is struck by a bus...

on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B - 4, I - 19, N - 38, G - 54, O - 72" ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hpqk9/a_man_is_struck_by_a_bus/
%
Why didn't hitler ever cook hot dogs at a bar-b-que?

He always tends to burn the franks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hpqjl/why_didnt_hitler_ever_cook_hot_dogs_at_a_barbque/
%
A muffin and dough and are having a conversation.

And the muffin says, "Dude, everything is energy man; it's all energy swirling around. Good energy, and bad energy, and it all depends on what energy you tap into. It's like the planets and electrons and stuff; everything is swirling."
The dough replies, "Dude, you're baked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hpqer/a_muffin_and_dough_and_are_having_a_conversation/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hpo3z/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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I like my butter how I like my family

In bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hpjjb/i_like_my_butter_how_i_like_my_family/
%
A girl asked her boyfriend to come over on friday night and have dinner with her parents.

Since this was such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy was estatic, but he had never had sex before, so he took a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helped the boy for about an hour. He told the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the cash register, the pharmacist asked the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack. 'Oh well, I'm really going to put it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice. The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, being his first time and all.
That night, the boy showed up at the girls parents' house and met his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" she said. The boy happily went inside and was sweetly led to the dinner table where the girl's parents were seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bowed his head. A minute passed; and the boy was still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten long minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispered to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious". The boy turned, and whispered back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hpeoa/a_girl_asked_her_boyfriend_to_come_over_on_friday/
%
I was trying to make a black guy joke.

But it didnt work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hpdu5/i_was_trying_to_make_a_black_guy_joke/
%
A very interesting poem

> I dig
> You dig
> He dig
> She dig
> They dig
> We dig
It might not be very long, but I think it is very deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hp316/a_very_interesting_poem/
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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Elifino ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hp2i3/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_and_a/
%
I was watching some porn with a plot the other day

It was pretty Fucking stupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hovum/i_was_watching_some_porn_with_a_plot_the_other_day/
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I told you I was broke…

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . ‘
‘Go away!’ said the old lady. ‘I’m broke and haven’t got any money!’ and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.’
The old lady stepped back and said, ‘Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4houqk/i_told_you_i_was_broke/
%
My son would've been 4 yo today

Man 1: My son would've been 4 yo today
Man 2: Oh, I'm sorry man. What happened?
Man 1: I pulled out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hot85/my_son_wouldve_been_4_yo_today/
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A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers, and says "five beers, please"

If you get it you get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hos3v/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_holds_up_two_fingers/
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Englishman, Irishman and a Scottish man robbing a bank!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottish man were robbing a bank. Accidently, the Englishman triggered the alarm and soon the building was surrounded. The Scottish man saw 3 sacks lying near the entrance to the vault so they decided to hide in them. The policemen searched the place but could not find anyone until one of the policeman saw that the sacks were moving. He approached the first sack with the Englishman inside and kicked it. The Englishman went “Meow”, so the policeman said “Oh, it’s just a sack of cats”. He then went to the second sack with the Scottish man inside and kicked it. The Scottish man went “Woof”, so the policeman said “Oh, it’s just a sack full of dogs”. He then went over to the last sack with the Irishman inside and kicked it. The Irishman went “Potatoes”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hop5o/englishman_irishman_and_a_scottish_man_robbing_a/
%
A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look and he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir , I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies:'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hojw7/a_state_trooper_was_patrolling_late_at_night_off/
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I used to work for a construction company, until one day...

My boss approached me on the jobsite and said, "Hey, we need a new wheelbarrow.  There's a hardware store just down the street.  Take this purchase order and grab us one."
So I do as I'm told and head to the hardware store.  I come back a few minutes later with two wheelbarrows; one stacked inside the other.
My boss yells at me, "You idiot!  I told you to buy ONE wheelbarrow!"
I reply, "Well yeah, but you didn't expect me to carry the damn thing, did you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hodsz/i_used_to_work_for_a_construction_company_until/
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They say a woman's work is never done

that's probably why they get paid less

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ho8u2/they_say_a_womans_work_is_never_done/
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Why did the window blush?

Because it could see the weather changing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ho1zo/why_did_the_window_blush/
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A friend once asked if I wanted to hear a racist joke...

Her: Wanna hear a racist joke?
Me: Sure.
Her: Howe Luong is a Chinese man.
It took me all day to get that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnyt6/a_friend_once_asked_if_i_wanted_to_hear_a_racist/
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What do you call a high person with Downs Syndrome?

A baked potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnyhd/what_do_you_call_a_high_person_with_downs_syndrome/
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A programmer's wife

says: "go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnw6j/a_programmers_wife/
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Flash Flood

A man was caught in a flash flood and had only a thin tree branch to hang onto to prevent him from being washed into the water. As the water became stronger and he began to tire, a motorboat appeared out of nowhere.
"Come on mate, get in," yelled the boatman.
"It's okay," the man said. "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me."
So the boat continued on and the water began to rise. When it was up to his neck another boat appeared.
"Better get in or you'll drown," shouted the boatman.
"No, it's okay," said the man. "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me."
The boatman shrugged and rowed away. By this time, the water had reached the man's chin. A third boat appeared.
"This is your last chance, get in!" yelled the boatman.
"No, Jesus will save me!" came the reply.
The boat went off and a couple of seconds later, the man drowned. Arriving in Heaven, he was greeted by Jesus.
"Hey, Jesus, I trusted in you and you let me down! I don't believe it!"
"Neither do I. I sent three fucking boats to save you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnpyq/flash_flood/
%
What did Mike Tyson say when he saw mold?

That's growth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnpir/what_did_mike_tyson_say_when_he_saw_mold/
%
What did they name a mountain nobody gives a shit about?

Moot Point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnpds/what_did_they_name_a_mountain_nobody_gives_a_shit/
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How do Republican politicians please their wives?

By getting a big donor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnou0/how_do_republican_politicians_please_their_wives/
%
Friends are a lot like snowmen...

They tend to go away when you piss on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnmbn/friends_are_a_lot_like_snowmen/
%
Has 2 wings but doesn't fly, Has 2 eyes but doesn't see, has 2 legs doesn't walk, what is it ?

A Dead bird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnlv2/has_2_wings_but_doesnt_fly_has_2_eyes_but_doesnt/
%
Why are black people athletic?

All of the slow ones are in jail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnlep/why_are_black_people_athletic/
%
Why don't pedophiles win marathons?

They're always coming in a little behind..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnitb/why_dont_pedophiles_win_marathons/
%
I don't think people realize how terrible Blackbeard was...

The correct term is African Americanbeard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnin8/i_dont_think_people_realize_how_terrible/
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Two friends are hiking through the woods..

When a snake jumps up and bites one of the men on the penis.
Thinking quickly, the other man calls the doctor to explain the situation.
The doctor tells the man "Well the first thing you need to do is suck the venom out, or your friend will surely die."
The man thanks the doctor, hangs up, and looks to his friend.
"What'd the doctor say?" the bitten man asks, breathing heavily.
Looking his helpless friend in the eyes he replied "They said you're gonna die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hng66/two_friends_are_hiking_through_the_woods/
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What's the difference between you and a bag of shit?

You're not in a bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hneve/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_a_bag_of_shit/
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At Indian Restaurant

"Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!"
"Samosa?"
"No, thank you, I'm full now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hndsn/at_indian_restaurant/
%
Who were the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. Went through 87 stories in 10 seconds flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnd3v/who_were_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
%
How I know I am not a Racist...

Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnbz6/how_i_know_i_am_not_a_racist/
%
Jim and Sarah were driving around the countryside

when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Sarah. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry,  the skunk will get used to it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hnbu8/jim_and_sarah_were_driving_around_the_countryside/
%
What was the burglar doing at Wayne Manor?

Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hn892/what_was_the_burglar_doing_at_wayne_manor/
%
The mass murderer has an inspirational poster on his wall.

"Can't spell 'slaughter' without 'laughter'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hn7eq/the_mass_murderer_has_an_inspirational_poster_on/
%
My girlfriend said to me...

"If one day, you want to run away, just let me know..."
Turns out she meant together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hn6dm/my_girlfriend_said_to_me/
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What do you get if you cross the Titanic with The Sixth Sense?

Icey dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hn3u2/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_the_titanic_with_the/
%
Mom: Wear your jeans! There are too many mosquitoes outside.

Feminist daughter: Don't teach me what not to wear. Teach the mosquitoes how not to bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hmx84/mom_wear_your_jeans_there_are_too_many_mosquitoes/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders a double Nebraska.

The bartender turns around and says "Sorry, we don't have *NE*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hmvxd/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_double/
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What do you call an abortion in the world of Mortal Kombat?

A Fetality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hmvly/what_do_you_call_an_abortion_in_the_world_of/
%
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hmrqd/a_woman_shoots_her_husband_for_stepping_on_the/
%
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer.

Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hmnka/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
%
Bernie supporters are dumber than Hillary supporters. Proof?

Hillary supporters spam social media for cash, while Bernie supporters do it for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hmkog/bernie_supporters_are_dumber_than_hillary/
%
What does the cannibal think after seeing a wheelchair user?

Meals on Wheels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hmk52/what_does_the_cannibal_think_after_seeing_a/
%
What doesn't belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob?

Answer: blowjob
You can beat your meat, eggs and wife but you cant beat a blowjob!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hmjps/what_doesnt_belong_meat_eggs_wife_blowjob/
%
Secretary's day is very important to me.

If it weren't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hmiu0/secretarys_day_is_very_important_to_me/
%
I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
Thanks for the gold you amazing stranger, you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hmfy8/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_shed_like_a_day_of/
%
I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.

Apparently Blacks and Mexicans was NOT the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hmatk/i_took_my_biology_exam_last_friday_i_was_asked_to/
%
A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hm60c/a_diehard_fan_was_very_surprised_to_see_an_empty/
%
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew?

Harry made it out of the chamber alive...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hm5z6/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_a/
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hm5a7/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an_insomniac_a/
%
A programmer goes on a walk

. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."
He never returned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hm584/a_programmer_goes_on_a_walk/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Doesn't matter how many of them come, they can't change a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hlyle/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed?

So he wouldn't talk in his sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hlvsy/why_did_the_italian_wear_handcuffs_to_bed/
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Two old men are talking about life.

One says to the other, "I've been having trouble going to the toilet recently, waking up in the middle of the night to empty my bladder and can't go when I get there. Things are becoming really irregular. Do you have the same problems?"
The other old man replies, "Nope, perfectly regular. I piss at 6, shit at 7 and wake up at 8."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hluqf/two_old_men_are_talking_about_life/
%
Why did balloon prices keep rising?

Because they had to adjust for inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hlsud/why_did_balloon_prices_keep_rising/
%
what's the difference between a subtraction sign and a feminist

a subtraction sign actually makes a difference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hlr9e/whats_the_difference_between_a_subtraction_sign/
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Q: What time is bedtime at Neverland Ranch?

A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hlqrl/q_what_time_is_bedtime_at_neverland_ranch/
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What do you call a middle eastern man flying a plane?

The Pilot,  you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hloan/what_do_you_call_a_middle_eastern_man_flying_a/
%
Why does Jesus Jaywalk?

Because he hates crosswalks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hln7c/why_does_jesus_jaywalk/
%
What do you call a castrated unicorn?

A eunuchorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hll9k/what_do_you_call_a_castrated_unicorn/
%
A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."
And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hld3n/a_psychologist_addresses_three_mothers_telling/
%
What do you call a black abortion clinic?

Crime stoppers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hlcdu/what_do_you_call_a_black_abortion_clinic/
%
Three engineering students contemplate God.

The first student says "Obviously he is a mechanical engineer, look at all the joints." The second student responds, "No no no, he has to be an electrical engineer, just think about all of the nerve impulses..." The third student considers these and offers his opinion, "Actually he is a civil engineer, who else would run a toxic waste pipeline straight through a recreational area?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hlbn2/three_engineering_students_contemplate_god/
%
Spelling Bee

It's cup final day and three boys in the class want to go home early to watch the match.
The teacher decides to hold a spelling bee and allow the boys who spell their words correctly to leave school for the day to see their team.
Tommy, spell dog for me please.
Easy sir, D-O-G.
Very good Tommy, off you go. Martin, spell cat for me please.
Simple, sir. C-A-T.
Very good Martin, off you go, enjoy the game.
Thank you sir!
Ahmed I would like you to spell racial discrimination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hl9ft/spelling_bee/
%
A man is found dead surrounded by 53 bicycles. How did he die?

He had an ace up his sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hl85y/a_man_is_found_dead_surrounded_by_53_bicycles_how/
%
What do you call am alligator in a vest?

An illogical situation imagined by a child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hl55d/what_do_you_call_am_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
I went to zoo and all they had was a dog

It was a shit-zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hl1ox/i_went_to_zoo_and_all_they_had_was_a_dog/
%
A penguin is driving through Arizona...

A penguin is driving through Arizona in the middle of summer when smoke starts to emanate from the hood of his car. He pulls off the highway into a small town and luckily finds a mechanic. The mechanic tells the penguin it'll take him an hour to figure out what's wrong with his car and that if he's hungry there's a supermarket across the street.
The penguin leaves his car with the mechanic and heads over to the grocery store. Browsing the aisles, he spots a cooler filled with various ice cream treats. Grabbing an ice cream sandwich and paying for it at the register, he starts to unwrap it and eat it on his way back to the mechanic. It being the summer, the ice cream quickly starts to melt and gets all over the penguin's face and body.
As the penguin walks up to the mechanic's shop, the mechanic is just walking out of the bay when he spots the penguin. He says to the penguin, "I hate to tell you, but it looks like you blew a seal..." to which the penguin replies in shock, "It was ice cream, I swear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hl0kb/a_penguin_is_driving_through_arizona/
%
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island...

To get back to the mainland, they must swim 100 miles.
The redhead swims 70 miles, and drowns.
The brunette swims 90 miles, and drowns.
The blond swims 50 miles, but gets tired, and swims back to the island to rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hl0i5/a_blond_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stranded_on/
%
What do you call a group of alcoholics with the same name?

Alcoholics synonymous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkx77/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_alcoholics_with_the/
%
Why do Jews stay home during the summer?

They don't like going to camps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkx0b/why_do_jews_stay_home_during_the_summer/
%
What's more fun than swinging an infant over your head with a rope as fast as you can?

Stopping it with a shovel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkrf0/whats_more_fun_than_swinging_an_infant_over_your/
%
How many /r/twoxchromosomes posters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ten. 1 to screw in the lightbulb, and the other 9 to provide emotional support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkr2r/how_many_rtwoxchromosomes_posters_does_it_take_to/
%
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An in"vest"igator :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkpqb/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_wearing_a_vest/
%
A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar

He orders a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkoeb/a_priest_a_pedophile_and_a_rapist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
3 nuns decided that well.... they did not want to be nuns anymore.

One day 3 nuns got together and the 1st nun says "Man it sure is boring being a nun. I think I'm going to leave the convent." Both of the other nuns agree and they go to the head nun(sister jude) to let her know that they did not want to be nuns anymore. The 1st nun says," Sister Jude I wish to not be a nun anymore." Then sister jude says, "Ok, go commit a mortal sin and then talk to me.'" After an hour the nun comes back to sister Jude and says,"I have committed the sin by sleeping with a married man." Ok, go drink from the holy water and you are no longer a nun." Sister Jude says. So, the nun drinks from the holy water and is no longer a nun. The second nun comes to sister Jude  and says she does not want to be a nun and again Sister Jude says "Go commit a mortal sin and then I will tell you what to do." So the nun comes back 3 hours later and says, " I stole a bike from a little boy." "Ok,  go drink from the holy water and yo are no longer a nun." Sister Jude says. Then the third nun comes and again says she does not want to be a nun. "Go commit a mortal sin and then talk to me." Sister Jude says yet again. "Well, I knew you were going to ask me to do this so I already committed a sin." The third sister said. 'What did you do?" Sister Jude asked. "I peed in the holy water"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkk9p/3_nuns_decided_that_well_they_did_not_want_to_be/
%
Did you hear the one about the deaf comedian?

He didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkjjh/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_deaf_comedian/
%
I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months.

"Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!"
You mean 9 months.
"Ken is 24 months!"
Deborah, he's 2.
"My baby is -26 weeks old!"
No, Karen, you miscarried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkj14/i_hate_when_people_talk_about_their_kids_age_in/
%
Want to hear a joke about coffee?

Decaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkikj/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_coffee/
%
People call me ugly until they see my wallet

Then they call me poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkie4/people_call_me_ugly_until_they_see_my_wallet/
%
This one's for all you self-actualized people out there.

You know who you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkhyx/this_ones_for_all_you_selfactualized_people_out/
%
What do you call a negative antelope?

A Cantelope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkhix/what_do_you_call_a_negative_antelope/
%
What’s the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside to ask for a coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkf32/whats_the_worst_thing_about_getting_your_keys/
%
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, one to climb the ladder,  one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkdw5/how_many_lawyers_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
I mainly want to lose weight to get into my own pants

But also to get into someone elses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hkck6/i_mainly_want_to_lose_weight_to_get_into_my_own/
%
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last great hit was the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hk9wj/what_do_dale_earnhardt_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
%
Which is the most dangerous page of the newspaper?

C4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hk71r/which_is_the_most_dangerous_page_of_the_newspaper/
%
A Serious Issue

Alcohol poisoning is a liver die situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hk6b7/a_serious_issue/
%
How does Moses make tea?

Hewbrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hk5ag/how_does_moses_make_tea/
%
Why did Beethoven never answer the doorbell?

They weren't invented yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hk55c/why_did_beethoven_never_answer_the_doorbell/
%
The weight loss plan

One day a guy sees an ad in the classifieds for a guaranteed effective weight loss plan. He calls the guy and is asked for his schedule of when he's available and that they'll contact him when they're ready.
The next day there's a knock at the door and when the man is greeted by a beautiful naked blonde woman who says "if you catch me, you can have your way with me". Well he chases her for a few minutes, but gets winded and has to retreat home.
A few days later, same thing, but now he was able to get closer to her. After a few weeks one day he's finally able to catch her, takes her behind the bushes and has his way with her. When he's finished he asks her, "so are we done now?" She informs him to be ready tomorrow and he goes home feeling accomplished.
The next day there's a knock at the door, but this time he's greeted by a big naked black man who says to him, "if I can catch you, I can have you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hk4io/the_weight_loss_plan/
%
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hk4ez/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because I supposedly" take things too far"

So I called the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hk3zp/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i/
%
A woman is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The male cashier says: "You must be single."

He got fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hk2m3/a_woman_is_buying_a_banana_an_apple_and_two_eggs/
%
Why do asian girls have small boobs?

Because only A's are acceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hk0xw/why_do_asian_girls_have_small_boobs/
%
Did you hear about the circus fire?

It was in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hjxi0/did_you_hear_about_the_circus_fire/
%
Why aren't there any "old husband tales"?

There are.  They just get re-branded as "logic" and "the truth".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hjwyx/why_arent_there_any_old_husband_tales/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hjnrg/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
It was four months into my relationship that I found out my girlfriend was a communist

She started giving me red flags

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hjlhj/it_was_four_months_into_my_relationship_that_i/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

and a table, and some chairs, and stumbles out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hjl3e/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hjjqj/a_woman_shoots_her_husband_for_stepping_on_the/
%
What's a boomerang called that's not coming back?

A Stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hjjea/whats_a_boomerang_called_thats_not_coming_back/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hjhj8/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
A lawyer, A priest and a scout Leader with his troupe are on a plane.

The pilot dies of a heart attack and the plane begins to go down.
Scout Leader "There aren't enough parachutes, we must give them to the children!"
Lawyer "Fuck the children!"
Priest "Do you think there's time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hjfqv/a_lawyer_a_priest_and_a_scout_leader_with_his/
%
Why is all of the music made in North Korea just absolutely terrible?

They've got no Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hjf1b/why_is_all_of_the_music_made_in_north_korea_just/
%
Good cook books are like good porn magazines

All the best pages are stuck together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hjbkt/good_cook_books_are_like_good_porn_magazines/
%
The Tale Of Hare & Tortoise

Once there was a hare and a tortoise. Hare used to make fun of the tortoise about his speed. After getting fed up of all the remarks of hare, tortoise proposed a bet to race to finally conclude who is faster. Hare being confident in himself agreed to the bet. They both started the race from the agreed point. Hare ran as fast as he could to reach the end point soon but tortoise being as what God made him dragged with his speed. Hare after reaching the mid point of the race track stopped and decided to take rest because of his confidence of winning the race. Being tired of the running he soon fell asleep under a tree. Meanwhile, tortoise maintained his speed and kept on dragging himself to the end point. Soon enough, tortoise reached the end point but the hare kept sleeping. When he woke he mistakenly realised he was still winning the race and tortoise was way back. But when he reached the end point he knew he had lost the race because of his over confidence.
Hare was not satisfied with the result so he proposed the bet again for next day to which tortoise agreed. When the race started hare ran as faster as he could, and this time he didn't take rest and reached the end point. He won and gained his over confidence back. When tortoise reached the end point after few hours he saw that hare has already won.
This time tortoise was not satisfied with the result and proposed to race again next day but this time he added that the track would be chosen by him. Hare being over confident agreed to the new term and reached the next at the chosen track. But the tortoise proved to be clever because the race track he chose was to cross the river to opposite bank. Hare knew he couldn't swim so he stayed there and tortoise jumped into the river to reach the end point, but he drowned because tortoise can't fucking swim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hjb26/the_tale_of_hare_tortoise/
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Why did the insomniac get arrested?

He resisted a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hj9vk/why_did_the_insomniac_get_arrested/
%
Pedophile

Kids who are scared of pedophiles really need to grow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hj5pd/pedophile/
%
Three old women are sitting on a park bench

when a guy in a trench-coat walks up close to them and flashes his goods in their faces.
While the first two women had a stroke,
third one couldn't reach it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hj3n3/three_old_women_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
what do you call a duck addicted to drugs ?

A quack head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hj3el/what_do_you_call_a_duck_addicted_to_drugs/
%
What do Gay men have in the morning?

Sticky Buns! ;D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hj374/what_do_gay_men_have_in_the_morning/
%
What has 10 letters and starts with gas?

Automobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hj2s9/what_has_10_letters_and_starts_with_gas/
%
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hj06f/a_man_is_buying_a_banana_an_apple_and_two_eggs/
%
What did Mozart and Beethoven do whilst in the grave?

Decompose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hiysa/what_did_mozart_and_beethoven_do_whilst_in_the/
%
Use chemicals to remove polish, and no one blinks an eye...

Use chemicals to remove the Polish and everyone loses their minds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hiygm/use_chemicals_to_remove_polish_and_no_one_blinks/
%
Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company?

Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hixm2/have_you_heard_about_the_new_advanced_abs_system/
%
A Woman Takes Her Secret Lover Home During The Day While Her Husband Is At Work.

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The Woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball..."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No thanks."
Boy: "My Dad is outside..."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens agin that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, lets go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1000"
The Dad says, "Thats terrible to over charge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the little door..
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hithb/a_woman_takes_her_secret_lover_home_during_the/
%
Why does Pakistan never get a corner during a football match?

Every corner they get, they open a shop on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4his7y/why_does_pakistan_never_get_a_corner_during_a/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hirqb/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
i asked my trainer which machine at the gym i should use to impress the girls... he pointed outside and said " the ATM machine"﻿

i had 15$'s left though..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hirms/i_asked_my_trainer_which_machine_at_the_gym_i/
%
And the King of puns said

It's going to be another reigny day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hique/and_the_king_of_puns_said/
%
What is the poorest tree in the forest?

The burr-oak tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hipe0/what_is_the_poorest_tree_in_the_forest/
%
Did you hear about the fire at the bakery?

No one was hurt but business is toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4himdg/did_you_hear_about_the_fire_at_the_bakery/
%
I just flew in from the gender neutrality conference....

And boy or girl are my arms tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4higbn/i_just_flew_in_from_the_gender_neutrality/
%
So I'm holding the door for this Japanese guy...

He looks over to me and says "Sank you!" Can't believe he just brought up Pearl Harbor like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hi5hi/so_im_holding_the_door_for_this_japanese_guy/
%
I found a lamp in a back alley

When I rubbed it the genie said
'You may have a long memory, or a long penis'
I forget my response

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hi4up/i_found_a_lamp_in_a_back_alley/
%
A bird flew in my bathroom window when I was peeing..

We stared at each other's peckers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hi1xf/a_bird_flew_in_my_bathroom_window_when_i_was/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

One doesn't cry sexism when you fire it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hhrb8/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
%
Once I threw a Boomerang but it didn't come back

Now I live in fear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hhq1d/once_i_threw_a_boomerang_but_it_didnt_come_back/
%
Did you hear ISIS secretly makes sex toys?

They specialise in blow up dolls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hhnqe/did_you_hear_isis_secretly_makes_sex_toys/
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Oral After Night Shift

Husband comes home after working night shift and decides to wake his wife by giving her oral sex. He gently lifts the doona and slowly crawls up to her fanny, spreads her legs and licks her until she quivers and cums all over his face. He goes to the bathroom to clean up and finds his wife in there shaving her legs, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? he yells.  SSSHHH, she says, you'll wake your mother!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hhhq3/oral_after_night_shift/
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Mathematicians in a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half a pint, the third 1/4 pint, the fourth 1/8... the bartender gets impatient, gives the whole group 2 pints and says "you guys dont know your limits..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hhhl3/mathematicians_in_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at 3 ho's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hhg1z/whats_the_difference_between_santa_clause_and/
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What do you call a basketball that rolls off court and deflates?

Out of bounce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hheud/what_do_you_call_a_basketball_that_rolls_off/
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This homeless man was shaking his cup at me with some change in it.

Yeah i get it, you have more money than me. Quit it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hhd9v/this_homeless_man_was_shaking_his_cup_at_me_with/
%
What's the difference between Reddit and Facebook?

About a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hgp4r/whats_the_difference_between_reddit_and_facebook/
%
Met a woman at the bar the other night

She was absolutely stunning. At least at 11/10. I asked her where she's from and what she does. She said "I live around here, and I'm a brain surgeon."
Now I don't know if it's sexist of me, but I was really impressed.
Most women can't pull off sarcasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hgosc/met_a_woman_at_the_bar_the_other_night/
%
A little jewish girl was playing with an ashtray...

Hitler comes in and says: "Are you looking for someone?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hgm9x/a_little_jewish_girl_was_playing_with_an_ashtray/
%
Two drunk men visit a brothel

The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.
After finishing their act ,on their way back ...
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!
1st drunk: Why would u say that???
2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her bum.....She farted in my face and flew out of the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hglig/two_drunk_men_visit_a_brothel/
%
Got in trouble with the wife at dinner time last night.

Apparently when she asked me to turn on the veg, fingering her disabled sister isn't what she meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hgipw/got_in_trouble_with_the_wife_at_dinner_time_last/
%
2 Gay Spiders

6yr old son in garden sees 2 spiders, son asks "Is that a mummylonglegs under that daddylonglegs?" Dad replies "No son, there's no mummylonglegs, only daddylonglegs." Dad felt proud of his answer, until son stomps on both spiders saying, "we'll have none of that gay shit in our fuckin garden, hey dad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hgipl/2_gay_spiders/
%
What did the cervix say when the penis asked about the sex party?

If you're in, hymen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hge4c/what_did_the_cervix_say_when_the_penis_asked/
%
I walked into a shop and saw a radio for sale because the volume was stuck on high...

...I thought, I can't turn this down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hgcrc/i_walked_into_a_shop_and_saw_a_radio_for_sale/
%
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night...

She nearly took my fucking eye out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hg3ho/my_deaf_girlfriend_was_talking_in_her_sleep_last/
%
Two Drunk Englishmen

...were walking down a street, late at night when the come across a dog licking it's own bollocks.
The first Englishmen points to the dog and says "I wish I could do that"
The second Englishman looks at the dog, and says "I reckon you could, but you better ask it permission first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hfzq1/two_drunk_englishmen/
%
Blonde and the pervert.

Who's really annoyed because a pervert keeps peeping through the keyhole while shes in the bathroom. One day she has a brilliant idea though. So the next day the pervert sees the blonde going to the bathroom, as the pervert approaches the bathroom he notices something odd.... the door isn't there anymore and he can see the blonde completely naked changing her clothes. The blonde laughs at the pervert and says "Can't peep through the keyhole anymore!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hfzkg/blonde_and_the_pervert/
%
How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hfzjl/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_on_a_nudist_beach/
%
What's the difference between a gay guy and a politician? (NSFW)

One will screw you in the asshole
The other is an asshole screwing you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hfxs9/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_guy_and_a/
%
Why are the_donald users not cucks?

First of all you'd need a girlfriend to begin with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hfsap/why_are_the_donald_users_not_cucks/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hfhkm/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun has only one trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hfevp/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_gun/
%
What do r/jokes subscribers and Catholic priests have in common?

Both think the shorter the better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hfdbk/what_do_rjokes_subscribers_and_catholic_priests/
%
I've been arrested for robbing a bank dressed as a frog.

It's the first time I've ever kermitted a crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hf5kx/ive_been_arrested_for_robbing_a_bank_dressed_as_a/
%
What did the homeless men yell when they hit each other with cardboard?

Pillow fight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hf45i/what_did_the_homeless_men_yell_when_they_hit_each/
%
Joke on the stackexchange website (You'll only understand it if you have asked queries on the stackexchange sites)

I was trying to boil an egg and noticed some eggs cracking. So I posted the following question in the stackexchange (cooking) website
"how do you boil eggs without cracking them?"
I got the following response comment with 0 answers:
> Mod here. This is a cooking website and eggs cracking is not related to cooking. However, as an exception I will allow this question for you and lets see what responses we get. A little more details would be appreciated
So I modified the question to "How do you boil an egg without cracking it? I'm using standard hen eggs that can be purchased at local egg shops.".
> mod here. Please describe which species, texture and color.
So I did some research and modified the question to "How do you boil an egg without cracking it? I'm using standard hen eggs that can be purchased at local egg shops. These are the white eggs from the white leghorn chicken".
> Please mention how you're boiling it, which vessel, for how long, how much water.
I now modified the question to "How do you boil an egg without cracking it? I'm using standard hen eggs that can be purchased at local egg shops. These are the white eggs from the white leghorn chicken. I'm boiling them in a kettle, with enough water to submerge the eggs. Have boiled them for around 8-10 minutes".
> Mod here. It would be great if you could provide a link to the bird species and upload a screenshot for your kettle. Please ignore this if you don't think that this is necessary.
I replied that I didn't think it was necessary.
> Mod here. I have edited your question anyhow and provided a link for the hen's species. I have also added a generic image showing a kettle and the boiling egg and deleted all previous conversations.
I replied "okay cool. It looks good so far. I hope someone replies to it".
> Mod here.  This question has received 1 vote for closing as "too subjective". This question is too vast and cannot possibly be answered by anyone.
Meanwhile my question already had a couple of upvotes and I received the following answer -  "Are you sure you didn't shake the egg before boiling it? Maybe you were trying to spin them to check whether they were boiled but in the process upset the albumen structure."
That's it! I chose the answer as the right answer and marked my question as answered.
> Mod here. This question has been closed as "too subjective" based on 5 votes. There is no way of answering this question. Please modify your question so that it's less subjective and it relates to the community.
*I made up this joke on the stackexchange websites based on how strict their community is. When you try to ask a simple question then the mods keep trying to edit your question until it ends up closed for some reason or the other.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hf0od/joke_on_the_stackexchange_website_youll_only/
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Three brothers go skydiving.

Somehow, all of their parachutes fail, and they die. At their funeral, their wives are discussing what will be done with each man's ashes.
The youngest brother's wife says "Oh, he loved to hike, so I'm going to scatter his ashes on his favorite forest trail."
The middle brother's wife says "My man loved to scuba dive, so I'll put his ashes in the ocean near his favorite reef."
The oldest brother's wife says "I'm dumping his ashes in a pot of chili so he can wreck my ass one last time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hew6j/three_brothers_go_skydiving/
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How to be a grown up at work?

Always smile and replace "fuck you" with "OK great"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hew0q/how_to_be_a_grown_up_at_work/
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A girl befriends a boy at school

What's your name - she asks
Dick - he replies - it's short for Richard
How does one get Dick from Richard - ask the girl curiously
One askes nicely for it - replies the boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hevg8/a_girl_befriends_a_boy_at_school/
%
What did the fish say when it crashed into a wall?

Damn!
(This is my go-to joke that someone told me in highschool like 7 years ago. Felt like sharing it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hetpz/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_crashed_into_a_wall/
%
Throwing acid is wrong

In some people's eyes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hetad/throwing_acid_is_wrong/
%
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister...

..."I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hert2/a_redhead_tells_her_blonde_stepsister/
%
"Raising a family is hard," he said.

"Not if they're buried close enough together," replied the Necromancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4heni2/raising_a_family_is_hard_he_said/
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What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking.
J.K. Rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4he9za/whats_harry_potters_favorite_way_to_get_down_a/
%
What do vacuums and woman have in common?

The more you pay, the better they suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4he8ir/what_do_vacuums_and_woman_have_in_common/
%
Why is K-pop the best genre of music?

It has Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4he4fz/why_is_kpop_the_best_genre_of_music/
%
If Gravemind from Halo did product placement...

We exist / Together now
Two corpses / In one grave
Burma-Shave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4he49k/if_gravemind_from_halo_did_product_placement/
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Political Jokes

Hey guys, So next week my sister is graduating with a degree in political science. I decided I want to get a bunch of political Jokes together to tell at her grad party.
If anyone has any good political Jokes please let me know. Thanks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4he2pb/political_jokes/
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The man with a baby-sized penis.

A man and woman were on a first date. Things were going well so he felt obligated to tell her.
"I just want to let you know, before we go further that you're okay with something..." he says.
"What is it?" She curiously inquires.
"I have a baby-sized penis." He hesitantly admits.
"Oh don't worry about that, I'm sure we'll figure something out after a few drinks." She says as she winks and smiles.
Later that night they are in his apartment. Things start to get heavy and clothes come off. As he takes off his underwear, she let's out a gasp.
"I didn't know a penis could be that size?! She says.
"I told you it's the size of a baby. Eight pounds 6 ounces."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hdzwc/the_man_with_a_babysized_penis/
%
Three men die and are waiting to see St Peter

As they wait in line, they decide to pass the time by telling stories of how they died.
The first man said "So there I was, walking home from work when I saw my wife through the window of my apartment with another man. I've been suspecting her of cheating for some time but now I finally had proof. I charge up the stairs, slam open the door and see this bastard trying to escape out the window. As he's hanging from the window sill, I pick up a hammer and hit his hands until he finally drops down five stories into the rose bushes. I see that he is still moving so I pushed the fridge out of the window at which point I had a heart attack from all the strain and died."
The second man gives the first one an incredulous look then he turned to the third man and started his story. "So there I was, getting paid to repair the door frame in his wife's apartment when all of a sudden this crazy bastard bursts in. He swung open the door, it hit me in the gut and I went flying out the window. Luckily I manage to grab onto the window sill but he decided to pick up my hammer and start beating the shit out of my hands until I finally fall. Miraculously I manage to land in the rose bushes but this son of a bitch wasn't done with me yet. He picks up the refrigerator and throws it at me!"
There is a long, tense and awkward silence. Finally the third man looks at the first and sheepishly starts his story. "So there I was, sitting naked in your wife's refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hdyyb/three_men_die_and_are_waiting_to_see_st_peter/
%
Two friends go hunting one day...

Suddenly, one of them collapses and does not seem to be breathing. The other pulls out his cell phone and calls the cops. He says, "Help. I think my friend is dead." The cop tells him, "Calm down. First of all, make sure he is actually dead." The cop hears a gunshot on the line and that person say, "Okay, what's the next step?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hdy7n/two_friends_go_hunting_one_day/
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You know what they say about fast typers?[OC]

They can make a girl qwert
Credit: sumkid (Maria) and I

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hdx2t/you_know_what_they_say_about_fast_typersoc/
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What did the bartender say to the horse?

bartender:  Why the long face?
Horse:  My alcoholism is destroying my family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hdsuc/what_did_the_bartender_say_to_the_horse/
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A condom is like a plunger

You never know when you will need it but it's great to have just in case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hdjc1/a_condom_is_like_a_plunger/
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There are 10 types of people in the world:

People who understand ternary, people who don't, and people who thought this was going to be the binary joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hdc2e/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
Why are pills white?

Because they work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hdakj/why_are_pills_white/
%
My friend was being attacked by a duck.

I tried to warn him but it only made things worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hd7c2/my_friend_was_being_attacked_by_a_duck/
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A family got a new Lie Detector Machine

The Machine Would buzz whenever a lie was told, so the Father decided to test it out at Dinner.
The father asked,
"What did you do with your lunch money today at school,son?"
" I just bought lunch"
The Machine buzzed, and the kid starting sweating as the Mom and Dad looked at him, until finally saying,
"I used it to pay someone I owed money to"
The Machine Buzzed for a second time, so the Son stood up and told the truth.
"Fine, I used it to gamble on a poker game..."
The father scolded him, saying "I never gambled when I was your age!"
And the machine buzzed again. Everyone at the table started laughing. When the laughter cleared up, The mom looked at the father, spoke up and said,
"What can I say? He *is* your son after all"
And the Machine Buzzed again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hd62n/a_family_got_a_new_lie_detector_machine/
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Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf

Moses steps up, takes a swing, and hits the golf ball into a pond. He pauses for a moment, goes down to the pond, raises his golf club, and splits the pond so that the ball falls onto ground. Moses then descend into the pond, hits the golf ball again, and manages to hit the ball into the hole.
Next is Jesus. He also hits the ball into the lake, but Jesus just walks onto the pond, takes another shot, and gets the golf ball in the hole.
The old man takes a calculated swing, but the ball also goes into the direction of the pond. But, right before the ball hit the pond, a fish jumps up, catching the ball in its mouth. Next, an eagle swoops down, snatches the fish in its mouth and flies to the hole. Then, the eagle drops the fish, who in turn drops the ball into the hole, making it a hole-in-one.
Moses scowls and says to Jesus, "You just *had* to bring your dad along with you, didn't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hd405/moses_jesus_and_an_old_man_are_playing_golf/
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3 nuns die in a bus crash

St. Peter greets them in heaven, “you’ve all lead exceptional lives resisting sin and serving the Lord. It’s merely a formality, but I have to give you a short quiz before allowing you into heaven. I’ll make it quick and easy.”
To the first nun he asked, “who was the first man?”
She answered, “that's easy! Adam!”
The bells of heaven ring, the gates of heaven open, and she walks in.
To the second, “who was the first woman?”
“That’s easy! Eve!”
The bells of heaven ring, the gates of heaven open, and she walks in.
To the third, “what’s the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
The nun pauses for a second, “hmm… that’s a hard one…”
The bells of heaven ring, the gates of heaven open…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hd171/3_nuns_die_in_a_bus_crash/
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I love conversations about palindromes

You can always have a good back and forth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hcvsg/i_love_conversations_about_palindromes/
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What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hcue3/what_kind_of_tea_is_hard_to_swallow/
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A man walks into a bar..

and asks the bartender for a rum and coke. The bartender says " Is Pepsi okay?" The man replies, "Yeah that's fine". The bartender takes out a glass and fills it with Pepsi and Coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hct02/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Spotting Idiots Online

I wish there was some way to identify idiots online.
Sent from my iPhone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hcsrv/spotting_idiots_online/
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The nervous priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his disciples as J. C. and the boys 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.  9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.  10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"  12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hcovv/the_nervous_priest/
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What does Gordon Ramsay say when he gets a rash?

IT'S FUCKING RAW!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hcoit/what_does_gordon_ramsay_say_when_he_gets_a_rash/
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Happy May

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hclqa/happy_may/
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Infinity loop

a woman walks into her hypnotherapists office and says " Doctor, I have been loyal to my husband for 12 years but, last night I broke that loyalty and had an affair. I just want you to make me forget it happened". The Doctor said " Not again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hck9i/infinity_loop/
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3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead die and go to heaven, but God awaits them with a challenge

They must hear 100 jokes before they get to heaven, if they laugh, they go to hell. The brunette laughs at the 6th joke and goes to hell. The redhead laughs at the 58th joke and goes to hell. The blonde makes it all the way to the 98th joke before laughing, God, puzzled, asks why she laughed when she was so close to heaven. The blonde replies with, "I finally understood the 1st joke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hci2s/3_girls_a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_die_and/
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Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself?

He was already suspended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hbv5d/why_didnt_they_punish_the_student_who_hung_himself/
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Words can't describe how beautiful you are.

But numbers can
4/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hbube/words_cant_describe_how_beautiful_you_are/
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A bus full of politicians crashes in a deserted area

there was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goesto take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. 30 minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer says "Don't worry they were all dead so I buried them." The policeman gets confused and asks if he is 100% sure and farmer replies "Yeah some of them said things like "I'm alive, please stop!" but you know the politicians right? They are all fucking liars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hbsrk/a_bus_full_of_politicians_crashes_in_a_deserted/
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Before marriage vs. after marriage

Before marriage:
Him: Great! Finally the day I have been waiting for is about to arrive. I am so excited!
Her: Is it still possible to call it off?
Him: No, don't even think about it!
Her: Do you love me?
Him: Of course!
Her: Will you betray me?
Him: No. Why would you even think about that?
Her: Can you come here once and give me a kiss?
Him: Of course, and certainly more than once!
Her: Will you ever hit me?
Him: Never!
Her: Can I trust you?
For after marriage, read from the bottom to the top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hbqid/before_marriage_vs_after_marriage/
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The father walks into the church and sees 4 sisters...

He asks what they are waiting for and they say they are there to confess their sins. The father tells them to come one by one, so the first one approaches and says:
"Father, forgive me for my sin. I touched a male's genitals using my left hand."
So the father thinks and says:
"Go there and wash your left hand with the holy water."
And the sister goes and washes her left hand with the holy water.
The second one approaches and says:
"Father, forgive me for my sin. I touched a male's genitals using my left hand and I rubbed it a little bit."
So the father thinks and says:
"Go there and wash your hand with the holy water. Don't forget to rub your hand in the water too."
And the sister goes and washes and rubs her left hand with the holy water.
Then, he realizes that the 3rd and 4th sisters are arguing. Father asks what is going on.
The third one tells the father that the fourth sister is trying to take her spot. The fourth one desperately goes:
"Father, I just wanted to gargle before she washes her ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hbplz/the_father_walks_into_the_church_and_sees_4/
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I kept telling a pun to the passersby during a marathon

It was a running joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hbogb/i_kept_telling_a_pun_to_the_passersby_during_a/
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Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classical Conditioning
(told by my psychologist student friend that is not on reddit, so all credit to him)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hbmir/why_was_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/
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Four Friends At A Party...

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hbilm/four_friends_at_a_party/
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Stranded on a deserted island

A Catholic priest is stranded on a deserted island. A man happens to row by the island, and invites the priest to hop in. "Alas, for I cannot accept your charity. My God is kind, and He shall provide."
A few days later, another rowboat happens by, this time piloted by a very attractive woman. She seductively invites the priest into her boat. "Alas, young lady, for I cannot accept your charity. I have renounced the pleasures of the flesh. Besides, my God is kind, and He shall provide."
Another few days passes, and the priest has become malnourished, dehydrated and sickly. Another boat happens by, this time being rowed by another Catholic man who is carrying a load of fruit, smoked meats, and fresh water. The man invites the priest into his boat to share his food and water, and escape the island. "Alas, my brother, for I cannot accept your charity. As you know, our God is kind, and He shall yet provide."
The priest quickly fades and dies soon therafter. Upon reaching the pearly gates, he laments his death to the almighty.
"Oh, God, how I devoted my life to spreading your word, yet you left me alone to starve and thirst to death on an island. I had faith you would provide, and you have forsaken me in spite of my faith! I must know why!"
God looks incredulously at the priest and replied, "What do you want from me? I sent you three fucking boats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hbi81/stranded_on_a_deserted_island/
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What did the cop tell the midget that was pick pocketed?

How can anyone stoop that low!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hbgji/what_did_the_cop_tell_the_midget_that_was_pick/
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A couple wants to have a quickie...

...but their son is in the house. So they tell him to go out on the balcony and tell them what's going on in the neighborhood while they do their thing. He proceeds to the balcony and begins reporting what he sees. "Looks like the Jeffersons got a new dog." he said. "Oh! And the Alans are moving out." he exclaimed. "Look at that. Looks like the Johnsons are having sex." The couple stops dead. "How do you know the Johnsons are making love?" said the boys father. After a short pause he replies, "Because their kid is out on the balcony."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hbdqw/a_couple_wants_to_have_a_quickie/
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DONT READ IF EASLY OFFENDED THIS IS A BAD ONE... My 6-year-old son caught me masturbating this morning...

He said, "What are you doing daddy?"
"It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why, daddy?" he asked.
"Because my arm is fucking killing me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hbbix/dont_read_if_easly_offended_this_is_a_bad_one_my/
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Very Important Colonel

Having just moved into his new office, a
pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk
when a PFC knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel
quickly picked up the phone, told the PFC to
enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General,
I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass
along your message. In the meantime, thank you
for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently
impressed the young enlisted man, he asked,
"What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the PFC replied,
"I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hbawd/very_important_colonel/
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A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hb9p1/a_thief_broke_into_my_house_last_night/
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The nurse who kept getting it backwards

Man visits a friend in the hospital only to find the other patients in the ward looking a bit odd. "Lucy, what's going on with the other patients today?" said the man to his other half.
"Oh it's the new nurse" said Lucy, "She just keeps getting things the wrong way round! See that man over there with the slack jaw, at 10 O'clock he was supposed to receive 2 pills. Instead she gave him 10 pills at 2 O'clock.
"Blimey, that's terrible" said the man, "What about him over there?".
"Oh yeah" replied Lucy. He was supposed to receive an injection at 6 O'clock, instead he got 6 injections at 1 O'clock!"
"Crikey, how about you Lucy are you okay?"
"She hasn't gotten around to me yet, but I'm getting worried because it's getting worse. See that patient over there behind the curtain, she was meant to prick his boil..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hb9em/the_nurse_who_kept_getting_it_backwards/
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How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero?

Three. Two to get murdered and one to never get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hb4o8/how_many_billionaires_does_it_take_to_make_a/
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There's no I...

in collaboration.
Or denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ham91/theres_no_i/
%
When a cop stopped someone for speeding...

Cop - "Sir, Do you know how fast you were just going?"
Man - "I was just trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
Cop - "There is no traffic."
And the man answered, "That's how far behind I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hai33/when_a_cop_stopped_someone_for_speeding/
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Some people are like Slinkys...

Totally useless, but still fun to push down the stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4haej1/some_people_are_like_slinkys/
%
I was thinking about donating some money to my local hospital...

But then I realized they'd probably just spend it on drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ha4e6/i_was_thinking_about_donating_some_money_to_my/
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What did the lonely lumberjack use to get laid?

TINDERRRRR!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ha3um/what_did_the_lonely_lumberjack_use_to_get_laid/
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There are only two types of people in this world:

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h9zkr/there_are_only_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Donald Trump wants to become President

This is not the first time he has tried to kick a black family out of their home.
Credit : Snoop Dogg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h9ynh/donald_trump_wants_to_become_president/
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my girlfriends said if this gets 1000 up votes

then I probably reposted somebody elses joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h9x91/my_girlfriends_said_if_this_gets_1000_up_votes/
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New house, new madam

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Bob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h9wxw/new_house_new_madam/
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LHC (Large Hadron Collider)

When LHC discovered Higgs Boson, it literally became deus ex machina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h9wee/lhc_large_hadron_collider/
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I was talking to a friend's little girl...

I was talking to a friend’s little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were to be the President, what is the first thing you would do?’
She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’ ‘Wow - what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘You don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my sidewalks and driveway, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.’
She thought that over for a few seconds ‘cause she’s only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”
And I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party, sweetheart.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h9uxx/i_was_talking_to_a_friends_little_girl/
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A Jewish guy, a Catholic guy and a Mormon are having dinner together...

...and they are bragging about their families.
"My wife and I have 4 strapping young boys" says the Jewish man. "If we have one more, we would have our own basketball team."
"Well, good for you" says the Catholic. "But we have 10 healthy sons. If we would have one more we would have our own football team."
"That's nothing" says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. If I have one more I would have my own golf course."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h9t74/a_jewish_guy_a_catholic_guy_and_a_mormon_are/
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Two old ladies were having a smoke

Jane and Arlene were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
**Arlene:** *What in the hell is that?*
**Jane:** *A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.*
**Arlene:** *Where did you get it?*
**Jane:** *You can get them at any pharmacy.*
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
*'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h9qsa/two_old_ladies_were_having_a_smoke/
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Happy Greek Easter! Which Greek God loved to collect animals?

Zoos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h9qrv/happy_greek_easter_which_greek_god_loved_to/
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Did you hear about the Mexican terrorist...?

Did you hear about the Mexican terrorist who planted a bomb on the train?
He had loco motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h9q4x/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_terrorist/
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A fly is flying across a river back and forth...

Every time it reaches one of the river banks it drops eight inches. A fish in the river sees the fly and thinks to himself, "when that fly gets low enough I'm going to jump up and get that fly". A bear sees the fish and thinks to himself, "when that fish jumps up to catch that fly, I'm going to go catch that fish". A hunter hiding in the bushes next to the lake sees the bear and thinks to himself, "when that bear goes to catch that fish, I'm going to shoot that bear". Now this hunter had a cheese sandwich in his back pocket, and a mouse sees this cheese sandwich and thinks to himself, "when that hunter shoots that bear, that cheese sandwich will fall out of his pocket and I'm going to go get it". A cat sees the mouse and thinks to himself, "when that mouse goes after that cheese sandwich, I'm going to go catch that mouse". Well the fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes after the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the cheese sandwich falls, the mouse goes after the cheese sandwich, the cat jumps at the mouse but misses and falls into the river!
The moral of the story is, when flys drop eight inches pussy gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h9ovn/a_fly_is_flying_across_a_river_back_and_forth/
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Tape is so anti social

It likes to stick to itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h9lm5/tape_is_so_anti_social/
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3 men are arrested at a public pool, and go to court

The first man steps up to the defendant's stand, and the judge says to him: "State your name and crime."
So the first man says: "my name is Billy your honour, and I was just blowing bubbles in the pool."
So the judge says "well Billy, that is a bit weird, but perfectly legal. You're free to go."
So Billy leaves the courtroom, and the next man is called up
"My name is Bobby your honour, and I was also just blowing bubbles in the pool."
So the judge replies, "well Bobby, as I said to Billy. That is a bit strange at your age, but again, perfectly legal. You are free to go."
So Bobby leaves the courtroom, and the third man steps up.
"Your honour, my name is Bubbles--"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h9amy/3_men_are_arrested_at_a_public_pool_and_go_to/
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Why don't pedophiles ever win marathons?

They're always coming in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h98kv/why_dont_pedophiles_ever_win_marathons/
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Bigger isn't always better!

Three friends on a boat cruise find themselves stranded on an isolated tropical island.
They fight their way through the dense jungle until they are captured by a tribe of shrunken phallus worshiping Amazon Warmaidens.
The Amazons take the three friends to their Queen, who tells them they must forage in the jungle to seek a worthy offering for the Wang God, by noon the next day.
She informs them that they will not only be free to go after the ensuing ritual of tribute, but they will also take the three of them back to civilisation on the tribes own canoe.
The Three friends set off into the jungle early the next day.
It's a long hot day by near noon, so they struggle almost dehydrated back to the village, where they are to present their offerings... The first two friends arrive a little early, and the ritual begins...
Four amazons hold down friend number one, and check his canvas bag for the offering...
He's brought a bunch of grapes.
The Queen shakes her head and the amazons proceed to insert the grapes one by one into the first friends butt. Although a little awkward he is grateful in retrospect that he brought grapes.
They move over the second friend, who has brought a cucumber...
The Queen shakes her head, and the amazons proceed to inch the average sized cucumber into his butt..
To everyones surprise, he is laughing himself almost to death
"What's wrong with you man??? Why are you laughing at the fact you're being cucumbered?"
He replies...
"I'm thinking of our other friend, He's bringing a watermelon"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h972b/bigger_isnt_always_better/
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So there's a new drink at the bar...

A man named Derek walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another man. The man looks over and says "Hey, have you heard of the new drink called 'Bounce'? It's amazing!"
Derek responds "Yeah? What's so special about it?"
In which the man replied "You wouldn't believe it, it makes you immune to falling!"
Derek laughs before blatantly calling him an idiot. In spite to prove his own point, the man buys the drink and quickly climbs up the tall building. He proceeds to jump off, yet slows down to a safe landing at the base of the tower. He runs back into the bar to see Derek staring in astonishment. "That's impossible! I need to try it for myself!"
Derek proceeds to order the drink and then races up to the tower. With a quick breath, he jumps off. As quick as he jumped, he landed with a SPLAT against the hard concrete.
The bartender looks over at the mess, then back at the man.
"You know Superman, you're a real dickhead when you're drunk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h94sd/so_theres_a_new_drink_at_the_bar/
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Did you hear about the guy that copied a joke on /r/jokes?

He insisted it wasn't a riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h90ds/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_copied_a_joke_on/
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Traveling through Italy I spent hundreds of Euros on pasta. (Pun)

It was worth every Penne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8ywq/traveling_through_italy_i_spent_hundreds_of_euros/
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10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!".
9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
St Peter calls after them. "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8w0z/10_catholic_priest_all_die_in_a_bus_accident/
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Three men are serving jail time in East Germany.

As they wait for time to pass, they eventually talk about why they were imprisoned.
The first one says: "Everyday, I got to work five minutes early, so they condemned me for espionage!"
The other two ask the second man.
He says: "Everyday, I got to work 5 minutes late, so they condemned me for sabotage!"
Men number one and two are getting curious about the third man.
Upon asking him, he says: "Everyday, i got to work exactly in time, so they condemned me for using a watch from West Germany!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8ue9/three_men_are_serving_jail_time_in_east_germany/
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Did you know you're 10 times more likely to be robbed in your home town than in New York city?

That's because you don't live in New York City

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8pow/did_you_know_youre_10_times_more_likely_to_be/
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My friend told me I didn't know the meaning of 'ironic',

which was ironic because we were at a train station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8ova/my_friend_told_me_i_didnt_know_the_meaning_of/
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A Father's Last Request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Note, this is not my joke. I just thought reddit might like it :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8o6m/a_fathers_last_request/
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My doctor constantly says I'm artistic.

I don't know why he keeps mispronouncing it, though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8o4h/my_doctor_constantly_says_im_artistic/
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I hate being bipolar.

It's awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8nsy/i_hate_being_bipolar/
%
Little Mary was not the best student...

in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, 'Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, and altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed it in her rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Mary slowly fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
'Jesus Christ!' yelled Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Mary slowly fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Marh a third question. 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8lmr/little_mary_was_not_the_best_student/
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There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'
The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower.'
The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy when the chief heard 'Ting-a-ling!'
'Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower,' said the chief priest.
The belly dancer started dancing totally naked around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of but no bell rang!
'John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph.'
'Ting-a-ling!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8ku2/there_were_three_young_priests/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8dnt/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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You know you teach in a rough neighborhood when...

You ask the class what comes after a sentence and they say, "you make an appeal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8cnz/you_know_you_teach_in_a_rough_neighborhood_when/
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It's no surprise that Trump is here, just look at all the movies where there is a black President and something comes to destroy the earth.

All credits go to Larry Wilmore. ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h87oa/its_no_surprise_that_trump_is_here_just_look_at/
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There once was a mouse called Keith

Who did circumcisions for free with his teeth;
He didn't do it for pleasure,
Excitement or leisure...
He did it for the cheese underneath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h87i8/there_once_was_a_mouse_called_keith/
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My wife doesn't like communism jokes.

I capitalize on'em.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h85u2/my_wife_doesnt_like_communism_jokes/
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What's does America and programming have in common?

When you fix one problem, 38 more problems pop up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h85r9/whats_does_america_and_programming_have_in_common/
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Two men went to the barbers for a shave......

They were both almost done  when the barber reached for the aftershave when the first man said  “Don't put that shit on me‚ my wife will think I've been in a whore house.”
The other man then turned to his barber and said “ you can put it on me ‚ my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore house smells like.”
Edit-words

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h85q6/two_men_went_to_the_barbers_for_a_shave/
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The little children

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h84rt/the_little_children/
%
an ageing prostitute went into a pet store

she wanted one of the newly weened puppies they had on display. the clerk, knowing that puppies so young can be difficult, began to explain how to feed, train, and care for a puppy, the woman was confused by everything he said and seemed to be taking in none of the information being presented to her.
And so after about 3 fruitless hours of instruction the clerk finally conceded that you can't teach an old trick new dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h846y/an_ageing_prostitute_went_into_a_pet_store/
%
A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar, and says give me 5 shots of whiskey please.
The bartender sets 5 shots on the table and asks, what are we celebrating ?
The man picks up the first glass and quickly drinks the first shot, my first blow job he replies.
The bartender says congratulations let me give u a glass of our finest scotch on the house.
The man picks up the 2nd and 3rd glass, one in each hand and quickly drinks them as well.
The bartender sets a glass of 30 year old scotch at the end of the line of shots.
The man says thanks , but I doubt that will even get the taste out of my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8448/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Little Johnny's class read Aesop's Fables. . .

The class having already read Aesop's Fables, the teacher now wanted the children to think of anecdotes from their own lives to which they could apply a moral.
When the teacher asked for volunteers to tell their story, a number of children raised their hands, including Little Johnny, but the teacher knew better than to call on him. She called on Susie instead.
"My daddy is a farmer," said Susie. "When we took our eggs to the market this Saturday, we hit a bump and the basket bounced. All our eggs broke."
"That's a good story Susie, what's the moral?" Asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket," Susie replied.
Happy with that example, the teacher asked for another story, and again ignored Little Johnyy's flailing, this time calling on Tommy.
"My daddy is also a farmer," said Tommy. "Last spring we put 200 eggs in incubators, but only 170 hatched. The moral is 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"
Very satisfied now the teacher asked for a final volunteer. At this point Little Johnny looked like he was about to have a seizure, so she took pity on him and asked for his story.
"OK," said Little Johnny. "This story is about my Uncle Ted. Uncle Ted was in Afghanistan. One time Uncle Ted was flying a recon mission when his engines failed. Uncle Ted checked, and in the plane he had one pistol, with 9 rounds, a machete, and a bottle of scotch."
"As Uncle Ted was floating to the ground after bailing out, he drank the entire bottle of scotch. To his shock, he landed right in an Al Qaeda training camp. Well, Uncle Ted didn't hesitate, he pulled out his pistol, and with 9 rounds killed 9 terrorists."
"Then Uncle Ted pulled out the machete. He killed five guys before the blade broke. There were only two guys left at that point, and My Uncle Ted strangled the life out of them with his bare fucking hands."
At this point, Little Johnny has concluded his story to stunned silence.
"What moral could that story possibly have?!" Demanded Little Johnny's teacher.
"Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8363/little_johnnys_class_read_aesops_fables/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h82n0/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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If you had what he had, you'd do it too.

A well-dressed man runs into a bar and says to the bartender in a hurried voice, "Quick! I need 7 shots of your best, top shelf whiskey as fast as you can pour it!" The bartender grabs some 12-year-old bourbon and pours it into 7 shot glasses. The man downs all of the shots, one after the other.
The bartender says, "Holy shit! I've never seen anybody down shots like that. Why did you drink them so fast?" The man stares him in the eye with a somber, saddened look and says, "You'd drink like that too, if you had what I've got." The bartender says sympathetically, "Sorry to hear it. What do you have?"
The man says, "3 dollars and fifty cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h80dd/if_you_had_what_he_had_youd_do_it_too/
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Hey, say what you want about pedophiles...

...at least they slow down in school zones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h7zmk/hey_say_what_you_want_about_pedophiles/
%
Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke

. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter and he replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish?"
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other. As he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants.
The man says "I want a million bucks,"
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
The guy says to the other "Your genie really sucks at hearing doesnt he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h7wx6/two_men_were_out_fishing_when_one_decides_to_have/
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What would Hitler be called if he entered into Japan unlawfully?

An illegal Aryan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h7wjf/what_would_hitler_be_called_if_he_entered_into/
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My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower

.
I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h7vyl/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_had_ever_pissed_in/
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I still remember when mom used to tuck me in as a kid

Man she really wanted a daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h7u7m/i_still_remember_when_mom_used_to_tuck_me_in_as_a/
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Instead of a blue or pink balloon for a gender reveal..

A piggy bank should be smashed revealing $1 for a boy or 78 cents for a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h7t6q/instead_of_a_blue_or_pink_balloon_for_a_gender/
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So someone threw a can of soda at me today.

I'm alright though it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h7s64/so_someone_threw_a_can_of_soda_at_me_today/
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FBI AGENT TESTING

Three men have been selected to become an FBI agent. They are standing in a hallway with three different interrogation rooms.
FBI AGENT - You three have been selected for your special set of skills. There is only one test you must pass. In the individual rooms are your wives and a gun on the table; you must kill them.
The first man enters "INTERROGATION ROOM 1." Roughly 10 minutes pass by, and the man leaves the room sobbing.
MAN 1 - I just couldn't do it! Nothing in this world could make me kill my wife she means too much to me.
FBI AGENT - That's understandable, unfortunately you do not have what it takes.
The second man enters "INTERROGATION ROOM 2." Around 15 to 20 minutes pass and the man leaves the room in shambles.
MAN 2 - I tried, I put the gun next to her head, but I couldn't pull the trigger. I've wanted to be in the FBI since high school but nothing could ever separate me and my wife.
FBI AGENT - I completely understand, this is a great task to prove your worth. Unfortunately, you do not have what it takes.
The third man enters "INTERROGATION ROOM 3." Several minutes pass and there are gun shots followed by a large crashing noise accompanied with male and female screaming.The man exits the room with blood splattered on him.
FBI AGENT - What in the hell happened in there?!
MAN 3 - Well, the gun was loaded with fucking blanks so I had to kill the bitch with the chair!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h7ibm/fbi_agent_testing/
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Better husband

So a womand and her daughter go to the police station to report a case about her missing husband. Ask her about his name,occupation, and how long he was missing.
After that's over they asked her to discribe his appearance. She says"He is tall ,slim, muscular, dark skinned, rich,and handsome".
Her daughter pokes her and says"Hey, Mom, that does'nt sound like daddy at all".
The mother says"Shut up, maybe they'll get us a better one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h7i4u/better_husband/
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My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."
All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.
"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h7i4l/my_93_year_old_grandfather_ftw/
%
Why did Cain kill his brother?

Because he was Abel to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h7gyz/why_did_cain_kill_his_brother/
%
A priest and a rabbi walk by a junior high school...

The priest peers inside and says "Hey.  Let's go inside and screw some little boys."
The rabbi responds "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h7afo/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_walk_by_a_junior_high_school/
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a driveway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h77fi/when_is_a_car_not_a_car/
%
USA has 9/11, France has 11/13, and Israel has?

24/7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h72uz/usa_has_911_france_has_1113_and_israel_has/
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Some Chuck Norris Jokes

- Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
- Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people. Then the grenade exploded.
- When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
- Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it without a single remark.
- Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
- When Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy, Chuck Norris caught the bullets with his own bare hands. JFK's head exploded simply because he was so overawed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h72u2/some_chuck_norris_jokes/
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How did Rihanna know Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found the other girls lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h70qc/how_did_rihanna_know_chris_brown_was_cheating_on/
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What is the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker..

And a prostitute with diarrhea..?
An epileptic oyster shucker, shucks between fits..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6zhu/what_is_the_difference_between_an_epileptic/
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My father trusted no one. Even had a saying about it.

But he wouldn't tell me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6z3q/my_father_trusted_no_one_even_had_a_saying_about/
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I wonder what my wife's favourite US state is.

Maybe Alaska.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6z13/i_wonder_what_my_wifes_favourite_us_state_is/
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They were having a sale at the hospital for vasectomies...

It was a package deal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6yeo/they_were_having_a_sale_at_the_hospital_for/
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Two 12 year olds are in the hospital...

Two 12 year old boys are in the hospital, both on gurneys waiting to be wheeled into surgery. The first boy says to the other, "What are you here for?"
&nbsp;
The second boy says, "I'm having my tonsils removed."
&nbsp;
"Oh, I had my tonsils removed a few years ago. It wasn't that bad, and I got lots of ice cream after."
&nbsp;
"So what are you here for?", asks the second boy.
&nbsp;
"I'm getting a circumcision."
&nbsp;
"Oh geez, good luck. I had mine done when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for 12 months afterwards."
&nbsp;
Credit goes to my Finance professor, who told this joke as his opening statement for his retirement banquet speech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6vml/two_12_year_olds_are_in_the_hospital/
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Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses

He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''
Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you cunt''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6uyf/little_johnny_is_walking_down_the_street_and_sees/
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What did Darth Vader say to Luke on his birthday?

I know what you're going to get, I felt your presents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6sxh/what_did_darth_vader_say_to_luke_on_his_birthday/
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What do you call a prosthetic used in exchage for your missing leg.

A stubstitute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6rcu/what_do_you_call_a_prosthetic_used_in_exchage_for/
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Sperm Bank...

At a sperm bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk. "Sir.. this is a sperm bank.." says the lady. "I know. Get out three bottles of sperm" he commanded. So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen sperm. "Drink it." says the man.
So she wincingly swallows each gulp until they're all empty. Disgusted she takes a look at the man as he takes off his ski mask and pockets his gun.
"See honey? It's not that hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6qvw/sperm_bank/
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What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6pz3/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_a_wall/
%
My SO started smoking last night

So I slowed down and applied some lube.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6pty/my_so_started_smoking_last_night/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as a choirboy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6p8r/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
How do you cut pizza?

With Little Ceasar's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6p4a/how_do_you_cut_pizza/
%
If Dr. Seuss were a convict (poem)

What's this in my hand?
Behind your back?
It's soap on a a rope!
Whack whack whack!
What's this in my sock?
Tick tock, knock knock.
A large steel lock!
Chock chock chock!
What's this in my breeches?
I heard that you blab..
Snitches get stitches!
Stab stab stab!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6oqh/if_dr_seuss_were_a_convict_poem/
%
Why do farts smell so bad?

So the deaf can enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6nx0/why_do_farts_smell_so_bad/
%
I finally understand the design behind Penn Station

It gives native New Yorkers the chance to feel like a tourist. You won’t have any idea where you’re going, you’ll be in somebody’s way, and you’ll think everybody there is an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6nwq/i_finally_understand_the_design_behind_penn/
%
An attractive student goes up to her young professor...

and she says to him "I want an A for this semester!"
He says "No."
She then says "Please... I will do *anything* to get an A..."
The professor's expression softens. "Anything...?"
The student nods.
The professor says "So would you like to... study?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6myc/an_attractive_student_goes_up_to_her_young/
%
One out of three men have a problem with premature ejaculation.

The rest of us just don't think it's a problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6kxo/one_out_of_three_men_have_a_problem_with/
%
A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.
At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'
'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'
'Great,' the man replied. 'You'll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.'
The man went back into the house to his wife, who'd been listening. 'A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife.
'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!' he said.
About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. 'I'm all done,' she reported.
The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?'
'Yeah,' the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!'
The man reached into his wallet to pay her.
'And by the way,' said the blonde, 'that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6kvb/a_blonde_was_desperate_for_money/
%
I suddenly met a man who had a problem with premature ejaculation.

He just came out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6jir/i_suddenly_met_a_man_who_had_a_problem_with/
%
Have you heard about the three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6fdj/have_you_heard_about_the_three_holes_in_the_ground/
%
How many activists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, because they can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6du1/how_many_activists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A little blue bird was flying south for the Winter

. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large hay field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and took a dump on him. As the frozen blue bird lay there in the heap of steaming pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you are in deep shit, it is best to keep your mouth shut!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6cp3/a_little_blue_bird_was_flying_south_for_the_winter/
%
What do you call a nun who's drinking a pint?

Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h668f/what_do_you_call_a_nun_whos_drinking_a_pint/
%
What's the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

One requires tweetment, the other requires oinkment.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h5uq6/whats_the_difference_between_bird_flu_and_swine/
%
Are rape jokes funny in this subreddit?

I wouldn't want to do anything if you guys said NO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h5u7q/are_rape_jokes_funny_in_this_subreddit/
%
What's Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album?

The Wall. Huehuehue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h5u2l/whats_trumps_favorite_pink_floyd_album/
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The main difference between men and women....

.... is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h5l6p/the_main_difference_between_men_and_women/
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I prefer to do my stand up comedy in airports

As long as TSA and Homeland Security do their job, there's no way I'd bomb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h5kwu/i_prefer_to_do_my_stand_up_comedy_in_airports/
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If a tree falls on a woman, does she make a sound?

The real question you have to ask yourself, is what was that tree we doing in the kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h5je0/if_a_tree_falls_on_a_woman_does_she_make_a_sound/
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Three men end up in hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned ........"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h5fac/three_men_end_up_in_hell/
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Once upon a time ...

...there was a king who ordered to spread the news that if someone could come up with a lie so big that it can't be believed at all the king would gift them a big barrel of gold .
On the first day came forth a shepherd and said to the king : my grandfather had a stick that he could move the stars with, the king simply said : my father had the same one, i used to play with it all the time... the Shepherd left empty handed.
Then on the second day came a tailor and said : i'm the only one who can sew the sky, the king said : you are not doing a very good job because yesterday it was raining... again the man left with nothing
Then came a young man who said to the king : you promised me half of your kingdom!
The king was stumped because if he said the man wasn't lying he would have to give him half of his kingdom so there was no choice but to give him the big barrel of gold.
Then later that day the king sent the young man 10 strong men who shoved the barrel up his smart ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h5bsk/once_upon_a_time/
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I masturbate with soap

Just thought i would come clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h59do/i_masturbate_with_soap/
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I finally went to a therapist...

...and all that pervert did was ask me what I thought of a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach painted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h59bf/i_finally_went_to_a_therapist/
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A wife was dying.

She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."
Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h58tu/a_wife_was_dying/
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Which character of Pokemon is a jew?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h56fq/which_character_of_pokemon_is_a_jew/
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What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h55ba/whats_the_difference_between_a_northern_fairytale/
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If you ever meet a girl named stone...

Don't take her for granite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h52n9/if_you_ever_meet_a_girl_named_stone/
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A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door...

He opens the door and sees a snail sitting there on the porch. He picks up the snail, and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there's a knock on the door. The man opens the door. There sits the same snail.
The snail says, "Now what the hell was that all about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h512j/a_man_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_on/
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A cowboy finds a nearly dead bird in his cow pasture.

He picks it up and notices how cold it is to the touch, how weak and skinny it feels, and he knows its time is almost up.
He searches frantically until he finds a fresh cow pie and when he does he plops the bird down in the steamy, warm pile.
Immediately the bird starts to make a little noise and it ruffles its feathers, taking in the warmth. Feeling encouraged the cowboy begins feeding the bird some of the cow pie and the bird becomes more and more animated, being also warmed from the inside out, and it begins singing its head off in glee.
Satisfied, the cowboy walks away, leaving the bird to its birdsong. A nearby fox hears all this ruckus and promptly trots over to the cow pie and eats the little bird in one bite.
Moral of the story: if you're safe, warm, and full of shit, keep your fucking mouth shut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4wb5/a_cowboy_finds_a_nearly_dead_bird_in_his_cow/
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Because he had a boner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4vx8/why_didnt_the_skeleton_go_to_the_party/
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I remember watching this excellent porno back in 2002 so I tried to find it on the internet.

In hindsight, typing "14 year old porn" into Google probably wasn't my smartest idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4vu2/i_remember_watching_this_excellent_porno_back_in/
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I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4uiu/i_think_its_pretty_cool_how_the_chinese_made_a/
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My favorite part of a marathon is...

My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4qzd/my_favorite_part_of_a_marathon_is/
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I have a higher IQ than Batman and Donald Trump combined.

By the way, Batman has a higher IQ than me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4qf5/i_have_a_higher_iq_than_batman_and_donald_trump/
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Why did the blind lady fall into the well?

Because... she couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4os6/why_did_the_blind_lady_fall_into_the_well/
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Closest Shave Ever

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4nf4/closest_shave_ever/
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[SPOILER] Ending of Civil War.

Lincoln gets killed at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4l9e/spoiler_ending_of_civil_war/
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Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

Cause they don't have balls to scratch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4jk8/why_do_girls_rub_their_eyes_when_they_wake_up/
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What’s the difference between redneck newlyweds and two variables in a dataset?

The variables aren't necessarily related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4iqi/whats_the_difference_between_redneck_newlyweds/
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Why did the comedian quit boxing?

He always missed the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4f33/why_did_the_comedian_quit_boxing/
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How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4ejg/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archeologist/
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I once knocked out a Champion Boxer...

I'm still banned from Crufts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4dww/i_once_knocked_out_a_champion_boxer/
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Seven year old brother hit me with this one

Him: How do people look at the internet?
Me: How?
Him: With their google-y eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4dsc/seven_year_old_brother_hit_me_with_this_one/
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The Musical Octopus

A guy walks into a bar carrying a bucket.
Bartender ask's "what's in the bucket"?
Guy say " it's my octopus and he plays musical instruments ".
Bartender says " bullshit "
Guys says " I bet you free drinks, he will play whatever you got "
Bartender says " fine, here is a harmonica "
Octopus looks at it, intrigued, then begins to play some blues.
Bartender " Whoa shit, free drinks "
Guy comes back next week, same thing.
Bartender gives the octopus a saxophone.
Octopus again looks at it, then wow, plays some jazz.
free drinks again.
Next week
Bartender says " I got you this time "
Bartender hands the octopus Bag pipes.
Octopus looks at it, squeezes it, but it just wont make a tune.
Bartender says " Hah, told ya "
Guy says " Hold on, Hold on. Once he figures out he cant fuck it, hell play it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4ctc/the_musical_octopus/
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A muslim opens a stir-fry restaurant in Hawaï.

He called it "Aloha-Wok-bar".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4ahz/a_muslim_opens_a_stirfry_restaurant_in_hawaï/
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My credit card company is super nice, they really help boost my self esteem...

They always tell me I have an outstanding balance!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h4a5u/my_credit_card_company_is_super_nice_they_really/
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I heard Steven Spielberg is directing a film about a fat alien...

It's called "Eat-T, The Extra Cholesterol".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h48j3/i_heard_steven_spielberg_is_directing_a_film/
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How does software eat it's food?

By taking large bytes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h47ni/how_does_software_eat_its_food/
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The human soul weighs 1.2lbs...

I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h41lk/the_human_soul_weighs_12lbs/
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath.

After many years of
wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in
the middle of nowhere. The people there
believed in the same religion as he did, but they
had no church; they had to go to the nearest one
which was in a small town 25 km's from there.
The priest took the initiative, asked the Church
for support, and with the help of the local men
they built their own temple. From there on, he
was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining
together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and
saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring,
on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding
the people out of the church, was about to close
the gates when an unknown man stepped into
the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before
the priest and said:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
- the priest was a good man, and even though he
thought the request was a bit strange, he went
back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in
half, took it back to the man and gave it to him,
who looked back to the priest with gratitude.
However, the priest was curious. He asked:
Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with
a fright on his face, and before the priest could
have said a thing, he rushed out of the
churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the
priest was leaving the church, he found himself
in front of the same man in the churchyard. The
man said:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
- the priest was surprised by the appearance of
the man and his strange request. Of course he
was good, went back to the rectory, and brought
the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger's hand
and immediately he asked:
Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why
do you need this half a lemon? - the man was
obviously frightened and immediately ran away
but the priest was not sluggish either and ran
after him. He wasn't in a very good condition, he
has never run so much and so fast before so he
was out of breath by the end of the village,
almost fainted. He thought the strange man
might appear again next week, and it would be
nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent
his week working on his cardio. It turned out to
be a good idea, because as he thought, the
stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The
priest didn't even wait for the request, he was
good, and brought the half lemon. He received
these words from the man:
Thank you priest for being so good and giving me
half a lemon.
Don't mention it son, -said the priest- but please
tell me, what do you need it for?! - by the time
he finished his sentence the man was already
running, but the priest was close behind. They
were running for a while and the priest was
starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a
wide and swift river. The stranger without
thinking threw himself into the river and swam
across the river and disappeared on the other
side. The priest didn't follow because he couldn't
swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He
spent the next week learning to swim at the
swimming pool in the small town 25 km's away.
He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday;
now he was sure that the weird fellow would
visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the
church, the gate creaked, and entered the man:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
- the priest was good, went back, put on his
swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half
of the lemon and took it to the stranger:
Here it is, my son, but please tell me already,
why do you need it? - the guy was terrified,
rushed out the gate with the priest following.
Reached the river, swam across, the priest right
behind him. He kept running on the other side of
the river and the priest was still on his tail. They
kept running until they got to a tall tree on the
verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the
tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not
knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the
ground. He was cursing everything as he walked
back home. The following week the villagers
watched as the priest in the garden of the
church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and
generally behaving very strangely. The priest
didn't care, he was exercising obsessively,
preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday
before the mass, he put on his trunks and
running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was
good and put half a lemon in his pocket in
advance. The mass finished much earlier than
usually, and he emptied the church as soon as
possible so he could warm up. In the same exact
time the mass should have ended, the strange
man entered the churchyard.
Priest, please be good... - the priest was already
handing him half of a lemon, and asked:
Son, why do you need it for God's sake? - the
man ran away terrified, the priest followed him.
They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the
tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the
stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to
the other side of the ravine. The priest was
about to have a stroke, but then he saw another
vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across.
There, however, he encountered an unexpected
obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man
closed himself in one of the wreckages. The
priest was raging as he walked around the
wreckage several times, but he found no
entrance except for the sealed door on the side
of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He
was furious but he went home. He spent every
day at the village's locksmith and learned every
possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he
held the mass in his swimming trunks, running
shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was
a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill,
then he stood in front of the church and waited
for the man. He was there on time.
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
There you go, son - handing him the lemon,
because he was good, but in the same time he
grabbed the stranger's arm, pulled him close, and
with obsession in his eyes, asked:
But what do you need it for?! - panic came over
the man as he made his escape from the
priest's hands and ran away, but the priest was
very close behind. Racing to the river they
quickly got across, running up the tree almost
breaking their necks, one after the other swung
across the ravine, the man barely managed to
close the door of the wreckege in the priest's
face. Little did he know that the priest would not
stop there, because he grabbed his backpack
and started working on the lock with his tools. In
less than an hour the heavy door creaked open.
Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he
was afraid of the priest's fierce and triumphant
look. The priest slowly strode up to the man,
crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly
smile on his face, gently asked:
Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for
the last few weeks. I'm very happy to give it to
you, even in the future, I am only asking in return
that you tell me: why do you need it?
All right, priest ... - came the answer in a
trembling tone - I will answer your question, but
please, be good, and do not tell anyone.
The priest was good, and never told anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h3zsj/there_was_once_a_priest_who_went_to_see_the_world/
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident...

a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we were destined to meet and be friends for the rest of our days.'
The man replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle before handing it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h3ywj/a_woman_and_a_man_are_involved_in_a_car_accident/
%
What do you call a crying anime fan...

a weeaboo-hoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h3xtg/what_do_you_call_a_crying_anime_fan/
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Why does the Trump campaign hire people in groups of three?

One who can read, one who can write, and one to keep an eye on the other two "elitist intellectuals."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h3vq9/why_does_the_trump_campaign_hire_people_in_groups/
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Naked sunbathing....

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h3ruy/naked_sunbathing/
%
Jesus was gay.

He was nailed by 3 guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h3qa2/jesus_was_gay/
%
A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw...

He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but the worker on the ground floor can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries to use sign language instead. He points to his eye meaning "I", then he points to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The worker on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating. The worker on the 5th floor is furious so he runs down to the ground floor and says "what the fuck is wrong with you, I said I needed a handsaw!" The other worker says "I knew that, I was trying to tell you I'm coming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h3j1a/a_construction_worker_on_the_5th_floor_of_a/
%
Wrestling is so stupid.....

.....Men with no pants fighting for a belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h3h13/wrestling_is_so_stupid/
%
Optimists, pessimists, and engineers

An optimist sees a glass half full.
A pessimist sees a glass half empty.
An engineer sees a glass that is twice as big as it needs to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h3ev9/optimists_pessimists_and_engineers/
%
A blonde goes on a hot date

and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h3292/a_blonde_goes_on_a_hot_date/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2vdb/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, he fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2uu3/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
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What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2u7g/what_do_girls_and_noodles_have_in_common/
%
When adding number in your head...

It's really the thought that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2rwo/when_adding_number_in_your_head/
%
Why did the Libertarian Cross the Road?

None of your Damn Business. Am I being detained?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2ruh/why_did_the_libertarian_cross_the_road/
%
What happens when the PS and XBOX servers go down?

The ambulance comes lights and sirens, "WII-U WII-U WII-U"
I'm sorry, I'll leave now ._.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2qgy/what_happens_when_the_ps_and_xbox_servers_go_down/
%
What did the cat say when it was wrongfully accused of a crime and sent behind bars?

"Let Meowt!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2po6/what_did_the_cat_say_when_it_was_wrongfully/
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Why can't a t-Rex clap it's hands?

Because it's extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2ook/why_cant_a_trex_clap_its_hands/
%
Why didn't the feminist picnic work out?

because they all refused to make sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2lkb/why_didnt_the_feminist_picnic_work_out/
%
Where's Waldo wears stripes...

because he doesn't want to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2iyu/wheres_waldo_wears_stripes/
%
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts to fit in your wife's clothes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2i6s/how_can_you_tell_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
%
I got a job at a bakery today

I kneaded the dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2hz9/i_got_a_job_at_a_bakery_today/
%
I saw my friend the other day and he asked, "How did you get two black eyes?"

Me: Well, I was at church Sunday and we stood up to sing a hymn. I noticed that the lady in front of me had her dress up in her butt crack, so I reach over and pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me in the eye!
My friend: But, how did you get the other black eye?
Me: I realized how much I upset her, so I reached over and put her dress back in her butt crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2crp/i_saw_my_friend_the_other_day_and_he_asked_how/
%
I was really angry when my wife tried to sue me for impotence

But luckily they couldn't make it stand up in court

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2ckd/i_was_really_angry_when_my_wife_tried_to_sue_me/
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What do you want for breakfast, boys?

A father calls his two little boys, Johnny and Jimmy, down for breakfast.  He goes up to Johnny and says "Johnny, what would you like for breakfast?"  Johnny says, "I want some goddamn cornflakes."  The father beats his ass and sends him to his room.  He goes up to Jimmy and says, "Jimmy, what do you want for breakfast?"  Jimmy says, "I don't know, but I don't want no fucking cornflakes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2blo/what_do_you_want_for_breakfast_boys/
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Trivial pursuit.

Years ago, I was playing Trivial Pursuit with my then girlfriend and the category was "Entertainment". Just as I asked her, her question - What was Whitney Houston's biggest hit of the 1980's? A masked gunman burst in & fired, hitting her in the chest before fleeing.
I rushed to her side, & held her in my arms, and as she lay there dying, with her last breath she whispered to me, "I will always love you"...
I said, "No, it was I Wanna Dance with Somebody".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2b6h/trivial_pursuit/
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(Long) There once was a duck who hated her baby brother...

This duck hated her baby brother so much that she decided to build a time machine to prevent their parents from conceiving him. The time machine worked, but without a baby brother, the duck had no incentive to build a time machine so her baby brother would still exist. With a baby brother, she'd be motivated though to invent the time machine and prevent the brother's existence.
It's a pair o' ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h29p2/long_there_once_was_a_duck_who_hated_her_baby/
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What does a menopausal Vietnam vet suffer from?

Hot flashbacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2986/what_does_a_menopausal_vietnam_vet_suffer_from/
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Jews rated their trip to auschwitz

It was one star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h283p/jews_rated_their_trip_to_auschwitz/
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Why do they call camels 'ships of the desert'?

Because they are full of Arab semen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h27ir/why_do_they_call_camels_ships_of_the_desert/
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My phone autocorrected "killed" to "kilt"...

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h26bw/my_phone_autocorrected_killed_to_kilt/
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What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry when I chop an onion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2665/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_an_onion/
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A son walks up to his dad :

A son walks up to his dad and tells him: "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"
His dad replies: "It's like that everywhere son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h25k0/a_son_walks_up_to_his_dad/
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Why is it so hard to throw a party in space?

Because you have to planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h23qp/why_is_it_so_hard_to_throw_a_party_in_space/
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What do you call a horse who disagrees with you?

Glue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h2248/what_do_you_call_a_horse_who_disagrees_with_you/
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Ole' Blue

A young man goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue, how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000," the young man says, "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.  The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the fellow asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.
She very quickly came up with a plan for him.  She has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.  Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, 'So, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?'"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h21n6/ole_blue/
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A blonde is at work and asks...

A blonde is at work and asks her friend what her new thermos is.
She replies "It is to keep hot things hot and cold things cold".
The next day the blonde comes into work with a new thermos.
Her friend asks what is in it and she replies "Ice cream and soup".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h20u6/a_blonde_is_at_work_and_asks/
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A German taxi driver was on his shift...

He is driving one of these Mercedes models that have the Mercedes emblem as a hood ornament.
A guy waves him down, so he stops and let him enter. It was a tourist, in town on his first trip to Germany. The driver asks: "So, how do you like our country?" The guy answers: "Oh, it's great. But it is so different from home in many aspects. Some things, I cannot make sense of." The taxi driver asks: "Really? Like what?"
The guy says: "Well, for instance, we don't have these things on the hoods of our cars." He points to the Mercedes emblem. "What are these things doing there?"
The taxi driver thinks to himself: "Ha, this guy doesn't know about hood ornaments. Maybe I'll try and mess with him a little bit." So he says to the guy: "Well, you see, in Germany we have a very good health system. Which in turn helps our population to grow very old. But that can be a problem as the government runs out of money for all the retirement pensions. So the government outfitted some of our cars with these cross hairs and we are asked to take out some really old senior citizens should the opportunity arise!"
The guy is dumbfounded. "Unbelievable", he says. "I have never heard of anything quite like that."
A few minutes pass and suddenly, the taxi driver notices an old lady on the sidewalk in front of them. He thinks to himself: "Okay, this is excellent. I'll get to scare the hell out of this guy by driving up to that lady and steer clear of her at the very last second."
So, he hits the gas and yells to the guy: "Hold on to your hat, in front of us is a prime target. I'll just get her and we will be back on our way, shortly." The guy sits in anticipation and braces himself for impact.
The taxi driver, at the last second, steers clear of the lady and heads back to the road as the driver hears a loud thump. He looks in the rearview mirror and sees the old lady on the ground, blood spilling everywhere and the guy in the back goes: "Well, you sure need to work on your aiming skills. If I hadn't opened my door, we would have missed her, for sure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1y8l/a_german_taxi_driver_was_on_his_shift/
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Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes?

A prism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1ve3/where_do_shapes_go_to_pay_for_their_crimes/
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What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all your devices & access your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1sc3/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
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I don't understand why banks keep their pens chained to the counter

If I trust you with my money, then you should trust me with your pen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1pj2/i_dont_understand_why_banks_keep_their_pens/
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Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1p0a/wife_arrives_home_late_at_night_from_a_business/
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she told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt...

so I fucked her twice and punched her in the mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1nj3/she_told_me_to_give_her_12_inches_and_make_it_hurt/
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Why the turnout at Michael Jackson's funeral?

He touched a lot of people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1j6y/why_the_turnout_at_michael_jacksons_funeral/
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What's more useless than a condom at a feminist rally?

Everyone there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1j31/whats_more_useless_than_a_condom_at_a_feminist/
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Why won't bankers go to the opera?

Because they quickly lose interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1hyn/why_wont_bankers_go_to_the_opera/
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Piano man

A piano blues player is hired to play in a club. He plays his first piece brilliantly to the delight of the manager and the crowd. The crowd goes wild. Everyone applauds him loudly. He is a genius. He stands up to thank the crowd and says "thank you ladies and gentlemen. That piece was called 'your mother's pussy smells so I fucked it''. The manager nearly chokes but the piano player immediately starts playing another piece brilliantly. Again, after the applause he says "thank you ladies and gentlemen. That was 'One finger up your mom's pussy and two fingers up your sister's ass". This went on for a while so the manager eventually went up to him and said: "listen dude. You're brilliant but spare us the titles. Now have a break, go to the toilets, unwind and come back". He went to the toilet for a quick piss but was too excited and forgot to put his dick back in and zip up. As he was rushing back towards the piano the manager screams at him "do know your zippers open and your dick is hanging"?
The piano player says "do I know it? Fuck, I wrote and composed it. Want me to play it"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1goa/piano_man/
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What would albert einstein's name be if he was blonde?

Nobody would know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1ff9/what_would_albert_einsteins_name_be_if_he_was/
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What workout routine did Jesus stick to best?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1fev/what_workout_routine_did_jesus_stick_to_best/
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What is the difference between snowman and snowwoman?

snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1fb3/what_is_the_difference_between_snowman_and/
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A Bear and A Rabbit (Inspired by Eddie Murphy)(Long and Dirty)

A Bear and A Rabbit are walking through the woods, when they come across a magic lamp in a clearing.  Upon further investigation, and only 1 attempt to eat it, they release the genie inside who graciously grants them each 3 wishes.
Bear, who lives in the moment quickly says:
"I wish that every other bear in the forest was a hot lady bear who wanted my sweaty bear balls!"
Rabbit and the Genie are clearly disgusted, but Genie being a slave, begrudgingly grants the wish.  While this was happening Rabbit was considering his options, and when it was his turn to make a wish, he didn't wait either.
"I wish for a Harley Davidson, that I could ride, you know, one made for Rabbits!"
Genie smiles, and grants his wish.  (Genies don't like you to ask for something easy, or gross, challenge them you know?)
Bear all this time, what little their was, is thinking about all that sweet bear action he is going to get, and he gets hornier and hornier, finally blurting out,
"I wish every other bear in the country, was a hot lady bear who wanted my sweaty bear balls."
Genie is even more disgusted, this time with himself, knowing in a single generation or two, bears will be nearly gone from this country, but being a servant he grants the wish, and bear sees a lady bear coming into the clearing and goes to her, and starts doing what comes naturally to a horny bear.
Rabbit, opposed to watching this, is checking out his sweet new ride, and notices he is missing something.  He turns to the genie and says
"I wish for all the accessories, and leather vests, and helmets, and saddle bags.  I need all of them to be rabbit sized, and I need holes in the helmet for my ears, and a sidecar, so I can take my friends on rides too."
Genie smiles and in a cloud of smoke rabbit and his Harley disappear in a flash, and a cloud of smoke.  When they reappear Rabbit is decked out, and his bike has enough chrome to make SAMCRO jealous.  Rabbit starts up the bike, and starts riding circles around the clearing.
Bear, who is on his "Lady Friend" nearing completion, screams out over the noise of the Harley and smoke
"I wish every other bear in the world was a hot lady bear, who wanted my sweaty bear balls."
Genie and Rabbit stare at each other, wondering who will speak first after standing witness to the destruction of a species.  All bears in the world are essentially dead, and only they know it.
Rabbit laughs, and rides across the clearing, screaming as he goes...
"I WISH THAT BEAR WAS GAAAYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyy........"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1em6/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_inspired_by_eddie_murphylong/
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A blonde goes to the barber while wearing headphones

She asks for a haircut. The barber accepts but suggest her to take of her headphones, to which the blonde replies she can't cause otherwise she'll die.
The barber is confused, but decides to start cutting her hair anyway. Halfway, the barber asks again if the blonde can remove her headphones to which she responds again: "I can't, cause otherwise I'll die".
A while later the barber says:" Ma'am, you'll have to remove your headphones otherwise I can't finish the haircut". The blonde understands and removes her headphones and shortly after that dies.
The barber is chocked and doesn't understand how the blonde died and decides to find out what the blonde was listening to through her headphones.
She puts the headphones on and hears a voice saying on repeat: "Breath in... and out".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1cuy/a_blonde_goes_to_the_barber_while_wearing/
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Spanish Dad Joke

A mexican father and son were at the mall and the son finally convinced his dad to try Chinese food.
"But it's so dry!" said the father.
"No it's not, they put lots of stuff on their plates,"  replied the son.
"Like what?" the father asked.
"Soy Sauce" he answered.
The father stared for a minute and then said, "Hola Sauce...  *soy Dad*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1bvf/spanish_dad_joke/
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Cop sees several cars parked in the dark, rocking side to side.

He goes up to the 1st car and knocks on the window. A brunette rolls down the window and says: "It's ok officer, we are just doing the Samba."
Cop goes to the 2nd car and knocks, a redhead rolls down the window and  says: "It's ok officer, we are just doing the Mambo.
Cop goes on to the 3rd car and knocks, a blonde rolls down the window.
Cop asks her: "And I suppose you are doing the Bossa Nova?"
"No officer," she replies, "I'm just doing the boss a favor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h1ash/cop_sees_several_cars_parked_in_the_dark_rocking/
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What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?

A sunken chest with no booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h18iv/whats_a_pirates_greatest_fear_on_the_first_date/
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How to make a girl laugh

Step One: ask her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h157h/how_to_make_a_girl_laugh/
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This is naut, ok?

If America has 'astronauts' and Russia has 'cosmonauts', does Denmark have 'deeznauts'?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h13qu/this_is_naut_ok/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h0yun/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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Men are three times more likely to successfully commit suicide than women.

We get the shit done right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h0s7w/men_are_three_times_more_likely_to_successfully/
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Do the French play video games?

Wii

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h0qtj/do_the_french_play_video_games/
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How did Hellen Keller break her arms when she fell down a well?

She was shouting for help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h0op2/how_did_hellen_keller_break_her_arms_when_she/
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Hey girl, can I have a pizza?

Pizza that ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h0o9g/hey_girl_can_i_have_a_pizza/
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I met my wife in an African Languages class.

We just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h0lnr/i_met_my_wife_in_an_african_languages_class/
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A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic

. As he laid the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man.  "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"  With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing and prodding, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark".
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.  The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk.  "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h0l4w/a_man_brought_a_very_limp_dog_into_the_veterinary/
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Three surgeons...

...are discussing what kinds of patients are the easiest for operations.
The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the easiest. Everything inside is color coded."
The second surgeon said, "No, librarians are the easiest. Everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon said, "No, politicians are by far the easiest. There's no heart, no guts, no spine, no brain, and no balls. Plus, the head and ass are interchangeable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h0gvn/three_surgeons/
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I just saw a guy running a race and masturbating at the same time.

I wonder what place he'll come in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h0fi1/i_just_saw_a_guy_running_a_race_and_masturbating/
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A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression...

It's called Trycoxagain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h0ezg/a_new_drug_has_been_developed_for_lesbians_with/
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Give me a few minutes to get hard, I just got laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h0coh/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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I get erections are funerals.

Guess you could say I have mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h0aet/i_get_erections_are_funerals/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h09me/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h08sk/a_frenchman_an_englishman_and_a_new_yorker_were/
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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were being chased by the police...

As they were running they saw some sacks, and so they hid in them. When the police got to the first sack, which the brunette was in. He kicked it and the brunette said "woof!" And the police thought it was a dog so he went to the second sack, which the redhead was in. He kicked that one and the redhead said "meow!" Thinking it was a cat, the police went to the third sack, which the blonde was in. He kicked it and the blonde said "potatoooo" the blonde was arrested, and the brunette and redhead got away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h07ng/a_brunette_a_redhead_and_a_blonde_were_being/
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Where did the memes make their last stand?

The Aylmao.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h04h8/where_did_the_memes_make_their_last_stand/
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To err is human.

To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h033l/to_err_is_human/
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How can you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber?

You ask them to pronounce unionize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h01cm/how_can_you_determine_which_of_two_people_is_a/
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How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?

Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gzz53/how_do_you_get_a_michigan_girl_into_an_elevator/
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Penis

It's an insideher joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gzw1n/penis/
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Sex is like pizza.

My wife won't let me have it until I lose weight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gzskm/sex_is_like_pizza/
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What's the difference between a joke and a pretty girl?

sometimes i get the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gzrnu/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_a_pretty/
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Why should you never trust an atom?

Because they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gzol0/why_should_you_never_trust_an_atom/
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How can you tell when a German is joking?

Don't worry, he will inform you after delivery of the punchline has taken place.
Just a joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gzkvq/how_can_you_tell_when_a_german_is_joking/
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Oscar Pistorious wanted to get his bathroom door replaced

But his wife was dead against it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gzias/oscar_pistorious_wanted_to_get_his_bathroom_door/
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A woman is standing on a bridge about to jump

when a man approaches her and asks why she intends to jump, to which she replies that she has lost the will to live. He asks "Well if you are going to jump, mind if we have sex before you do?". Disgusted the woman tells him to fuck off, so the man starts leaving. "Where are you going?" she asks, he replies "to the bottom of the bridge, hopefully you'll still be warm when I get down there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gzi3i/a_woman_is_standing_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
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Johnny was sitting in class...

...and the teacher told them they would be dismissed after they matched the quote to the president. She starts with "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Johnny raises his hand, but Sally calls out "FDR"
"Correct!" says the teacher, and lets her leave.
She asks the next quote:
"If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong."
Johnny raises his hand again, but Sarah calls out "Abe Lincoln"
The teacher lets Sarah leave.
At this point, Johnny is getting pretty pissed off and says "I wish all these bitches would shut up."
The teacher asks "Who said that?"
Johnny yells "Bill Clinton" and runs out of the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gzhek/johnny_was_sitting_in_class/
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I got arrested for indecent exposure.

They've sent me to the Small Claims Court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gzh96/i_got_arrested_for_indecent_exposure/
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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gzfj0/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/
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Winning Blonde !!!

A beautiful blonde walks into a casino and over to a soda machine and arrives there just before a business man who's come to quench his thirst. She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents , studies the machine , presses the Diet Coke selection , and out comes a Diet coke , which she places on a counter by the machine. Then she reaches in her purse again and pulls out a dollar and inserts it in the machine.Studying the machine carefully, she presses the button for coca cola classic and out came a coke classic and 50 cents change.She takes the 50 cents and puts it in the machine , studies for a moment , and presses the sprite button.Out comes a sprite. As she is reaching into her purse again , the business man who has been waiting patiently for several minutes,speaks up"Excuse me miss , but are you done yet?" She looks at him and indignantly replies,"Well, Duh! I'm like , still winning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gzd5l/winning_blonde/
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What's the difference between pink and purple?

Your grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gz8lq/whats_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
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A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:
A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.
The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He then  calculates the appropriate drop height using basic conservation of energy, and finds a suitable building.  The biologist jumps off, but the wind resistance slows him down just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries.
The physicist, hearing of this, develops a more complex model. He models himself as a uniform cone and uses a second order drag model to account for wind resistance. He obtains a numerical solution for the appropriate drop height, which is a little bit higher than what the biologist had anticipated. He finds a suitable building, and jumps off. On the way down, a strong gust blows him into a tree, and then he bounces to the ground. He survives with major crippling injuries.
The mathematician hears of this and is determined to do it right. He models himself as a non-uniform complex 3D body, and sets up a full-on coupled analysis using the Navier-Stokes equations. To determine the required impact velocity, he uses nonlinear FEA software to model skeletal impact. He then reviews 50 years of local wind statistics and surveys the surrounding area to determine any possible gusts and their respective  probabilities. He analyzes an array of scenarios using a supercomputer running the best CFD software, and determines a 99% confidence interval for the required drop height. He picks the highest number and applies an additional 10% margin of safety. Finally, the mathematician finds a suitable building and jumps off. Higher than average ambient temperatures cause a nearby snow pile to collapse and slide right into the impact zone. The snow cushions his fall just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries.
The engineer shot himself in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gz59t/a_biologist_a_physicist_a_mathematician_and_an/
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I had a really funny joke...

but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gz4lm/i_had_a_really_funny_joke/
%
Jokes you used to tell as a kid

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting c-
MOOOOOOO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gz44q/jokes_you_used_to_tell_as_a_kid/
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Just so you know, I have an Epi pen...

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I should have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gz3fy/just_so_you_know_i_have_an_epi_pen/
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What is heavy forwards but not backwards?

A ton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gyzbu/what_is_heavy_forwards_but_not_backwards/
%
I had sex in an elevator..

It was awesome on so many levels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gyyvb/i_had_sex_in_an_elevator/
%
A Roman walks into a bar........

.....holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gyxzx/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities.  However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge,  and fullfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies,  wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gyw4k/a_woman_is_on_the_edge_of_a_bridge_about_to/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gyvw1/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_whos_afraid/
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Batman walks into a bar with a pig...

It was a hot summers day and the barman thinks it's a strange sight, not to just see Batman, but to see him with a pig that has jet black hair, black eye shadow and studded bracelets.
The barman says "Is there anything I can get you Batman?"
He replies "Just-ice for goth-ham"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gykun/batman_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_pig/
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Why did the dyslexic, Russian astronomer hate the revolution?

He was following the Tsar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gyiez/why_did_the_dyslexic_russian_astronomer_hate_the/
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A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the **best weed in the world**. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs down the tree and goes to the river to get a drink.
Because lizard was high he trips and falls in the river. An alligator spots him and helps him to the shore, and asks what is wrong with him. The lizard, right before passing out, tells the alligator about the monkey and the **best weed in the world**. The alligator decides to check this stuff out and goes where the monkey was. He spots the monkey and shouts, "HEY! MONKEY!"
The monkey's eyes go wide as he spots the alligator, and then he says...."WHAAAAT THE FUCCCKKKK BROOOO! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK??!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gygjp/a_monkey_was_smoking_weed/
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Degree

A grandma is shopping with her grandson.The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree put the toy back"!
A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, is that his name?
The grandma replied
"Yes I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gybsx/degree/
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Your morbid joke for the day.

A man visits his doctor as for the past few weeks he has been feeling incredibly ill. After numerous tests and examinations his doctor finally breaks the news about his results.
"I'm afraid there is no easy way to say this... You have terminal colon cancer. It was left unchecked for so long, it appears you will only have a few more weeks to live. I'm so sorry."
The man remains quiet for a few moments before saying with a weak smile "Oh well, that's a bummer."
The doctor observes the man for a brief while. "Are you okay? You appear to be very calm despite this news, I thought it would come as quite a shock?"
"Don't worry." The man replies with a smile. "I'm dying on the inside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gyb8u/your_morbid_joke_for_the_day/
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What concert can you go to for 45 cents?

50 Cent ft. Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gy94m/what_concert_can_you_go_to_for_45_cents/
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How is a hurricane like a marriage?

At the beginning there's a lot of blowing and sucking, and when it's over your house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gy8lj/how_is_a_hurricane_like_a_marriage/
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Little Johnny's homework about government

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed.  In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying.  He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.  So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.  When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.  Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there.  So he went to the maid's room.  When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.  Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud,  "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gy7ga/little_johnnys_homework_about_government/
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A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gy68o/a_couple_wants_a_divorce_but_first_they_must/
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Chess is actually quite easy...

Knight takes Rook, King takes Queen, and Bishop molests the Pawns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gy1p9/chess_is_actually_quite_easy/
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I invented a new word

It's called plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gy12l/i_invented_a_new_word/
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Religion is like a penis

It's OK to have one and it's OK to be proud of it, but don't go waving it around or shoving it down kids' throats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gxzav/religion_is_like_a_penis/
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There are 4 states of Matter

Solid, Liquid, Gas, and Black Lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gxymr/there_are_4_states_of_matter/
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How do you tell the difference between a physicist and a plumber?

Ask them to say the word 'unionized'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gxufm/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a/
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My dad called me a fool for taking a job at the penny factory.

But the truth is it makes a lot of cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gxqu1/my_dad_called_me_a_fool_for_taking_a_job_at_the/
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One good thing about Hilary as president.

One good thing about having Hilary as president is that we wouldn't have to pay her as much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gxq0z/one_good_thing_about_hilary_as_president/
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Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny." "That's not going to work." "Why not?" "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gxmpu/mommy_what_were_you_doing_bouncing_on_daddys/
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A kid goes up to his Grandfather...

...&amp;amp;amp; says "Hey Gramps, can I take a puff of you're cigar?"
"Well young man, does your penis touch your asscheeks?" He replies
"Well no, why?"
"Well, then I'll have to say no."
A few days go by &amp;amp;amp; the kid see's his Grandfather with a glass of beer
"Hey Gramps, can I have a sip of you're beer?"
"Well, does your penis touch your asscheeks yet my boy?"
"Still no gramps,"
"Well you already know the answer."
The kid walks away angrily, a few days go by &amp;amp;amp; the grandfather see's his grandson with a big bowl of strawberries
"Hey boy, those look like some good strawberries. Can I have one?"
"Well Gramps, does your penis touch your asscheeks?"
"Well yes it does!" He replies
"Then go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gxkm5/a_kid_goes_up_to_his_grandfather/
%
What's the average lifespan of an owl?

About six and a half books.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gxhze/whats_the_average_lifespan_of_an_owl/
%
A man walks into a bar with a frog.

A women says "What's up with the frog!?"
He explains, "Well he likes to go down on women."
"No way!"
"Well, I can prove it to you."
They go back to her apartment... she strips and lays down, and he puts the frog between her legs pets him and says, "Come on boy you can do it!"
The frog doesn't move, so one more time he pets the frog and says, "You can do it."
Still nothing, so the guy leans over puts his ear close to the frog. After a moment he says, "Okay, but I'm only gonna show you one more time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gxe2x/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_frog/
%
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, ma'am. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gxdf3/a_policeman_knocked_on_my_door_this_morning_but_i/
%
When people say they hate getting stuck in revolving doors:

I tell them, "you'll come around eventually!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gxd82/when_people_say_they_hate_getting_stuck_in/
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I remember a time when I didn't get nostalgic after a few drinks

.. I miss those days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gxcnz/i_remember_a_time_when_i_didnt_get_nostalgic/
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My girlfriend said she needed time and distance...

So I slapped her with velocity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gxafd/my_girlfriend_said_she_needed_time_and_distance/
%
Im excited to have Tubman on the twenty

So we can use black people as currency again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gx787/im_excited_to_have_tubman_on_the_twenty/
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If I had a dollar for every time Hillary played the Woman Card

...I'd have $0.77 cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gx3t5/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_hillary_played/
%
So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church

I really hope I get the missionary position

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gx35o/so_i_applied_for_a_random_volunteer_job_at_my/
%
I can't see very well in the dark

but on the bright side, I see just fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gx2hu/i_cant_see_very_well_in_the_dark/
%
During a class on good manners...

and etiquette being held at an all boys school the teacher says to her students:
“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”
Little Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I gotta go take a piss.”
The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”
Little Charlie chimes in with his attempt: “I’m sorry. I need to go to the toilet. I’ll be back soon.”
The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal may come across as unpleasant.“
Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend with whom I hope to be able to introduce you to after dinner.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwybq/during_a_class_on_good_manners/
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It may not be "politically correct" to say this...

...but there are over one million U.S Senators.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwsx1/it_may_not_be_politically_correct_to_say_this/
%
How do Jewish turtles greet each other?

Shellom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwrca/how_do_jewish_turtles_greet_each_other/
%
Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?

Because Italians hate any witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwq9u/why_do_italians_hate_jehovahs_witnesses/
%
Why aren't there any Mexicans in China?

Because the Chinese know how to build a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwppz/why_arent_there_any_mexicans_in_china/
%
What's a drug addict's favorite music genre?

Crack rock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwpj2/whats_a_drug_addicts_favorite_music_genre/
%
Archaeologists digging on a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwnjd/archaeologists_digging_on_a_pyramid_in_egypt_have/
%
You must be in F**king management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwlzr/you_must_be_in_fking_management/
%
The milkman and the baker

There once was a milkman in a village. He was very shy but always very honest. He was always very meticulous about giving a person the exact amount of milk they wanted.
So you could imagine the milkman's surprise when he found a court summons waiting for him at his house.
He was very nervous as he had never brushed up against the law before. So, when the court day came, he put on his best suit, brushed his hair, and went on his way.
When he stepped into the court, he saw the baker in the plaintiff's bench. The milkman went into the defendant's bench and waited for the judge to speak.
"Baker, what is your complaint?" asked the judge.
"Well, here's the situation. Everyday I order a pound of milk. But, whenever *I* go to weigh it, it's always less than a pound. I want to be compensated for all of the money that was stolen from me by that filthy milkman!"
The judge turned to the milkman and asked, "Well, how do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honor."
"Is it possible that your scale you use to weigh is not correct?" asked the judge.
"Well, your honor, I am not the richest man so I can't afford the most expensive scale. But I am positive that what I use is satisfactory."
The judge thought for a moment and then asked, "Is it possible that the stones you use as the counterbalance on the scale are slightly off?"
"I don't use stones." The milkman said plainly.
"So, what *do* you use?" The judge asked, exasperated.
"I use the pound of bread I get from the baker as the counterbalance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwiv7/the_milkman_and_the_baker/
%
A drunk man is finishing his final drink and is ready to go home

He is getting out of his chair when he falls and stumbles, he stands up and falls down again. He keeps on stumbling but knows that his wife must not know, he stumbles and falls all the way home until he falls into bed. When he wakes up, he sees his wife looking at him, and saying, "You've been out drinking again." The man is shocked and asks, "How did you know?" The wife replies, "The bartender told me that you left your wheelchair at the bar again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwiby/a_drunk_man_is_finishing_his_final_drink_and_is/
%
Your body is your temple is a really terrible proverb to promote chastity.

Literally anyone can come inside a temple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwh2r/your_body_is_your_temple_is_a_really_terrible/
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A man and woman getting ready for their first intimate moment

The man removes his shirt and the woman notices bright red spots
she asks "what happened there?"
Man replies "ah, these are lover spots."
"Do you mean liver spots?" She asked
"No, they're LOVER spots"
She shrugs it off and he continues to undress. He takes his pants off and she notices many scars on his knees
She asks "what are those?"
"Oh these scars are from when I was younger and got the kneesles"
Confused she said "I think you mean the measles"
"No no, they're from kneesles"
He continues to take off his underwear and before he could explain she quickly says "oh I know this one! Smallcox right?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwglv/a_man_and_woman_getting_ready_for_their_first/
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Why didn't the Avatar want to fight the Fire Nation?

Because they gave him Aang-xiety

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwb45/why_didnt_the_avatar_want_to_fight_the_fire_nation/
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A Bear and a Rabbit are taking a shit in the middle of the woods...

The Bear turns to the Rabbit and asks, "Hey, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The Rabbit answers, "No, not at all."
So the Bear takes the Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwau2/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_taking_a_shit_in_the/
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Holy Water

One day St Peter chose three distinguished individuals in Heaven and gave them a free pass to commit whatever sins they would like back on Earth for one whole day.
The next day, when the three sinners returned, St Peter asked them what sins they committed.
St Peter asked the first sinner and he said that he spent the day sleeping with a bunch of women. St Peter congratulated him and told him to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of his sins.
The third sinner snickered.
St Peter ignored the third sinner asked the second sinner. She said that she sent a swarm of killer bees to wipe out an African village. St Peter paused in shock, but then told her to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of her sins.
The third sinner tried to hold back his laughter, but failed.
St Peter then asked the third sinner what was so funny. The third sinner replied, "I shat in the Holy Water"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gw5ny/holy_water/
%
Did you know there are bees that produce milk?

Yeah, they are called boo bees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gw3dj/did_you_know_there_are_bees_that_produce_milk/
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A crazy man walks on to a bus and starts repeating,

(Warning: this is a math-y joke)
"There will be the coming of days. You believers will be integrated, you non-believers will be differentiated." He starts pointing at each passenger saying, "I integrate you! I differentiate you!" Everyone was scared but one man just sat there coolly with a grin on his face.
&nbsp;
"Aren't you afraid?," said the crazy man. The other man chuckled and said, "Sir, I am not afraid. I am e^x."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gw3d5/a_crazy_man_walks_on_to_a_bus_and_starts_repeating/
%
I've been reading the thesaurus a lot lately...

because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gw2g0/ive_been_reading_the_thesaurus_a_lot_lately/
%
What did the pop can become when it finished high school?

A graduated cylinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gw1os/what_did_the_pop_can_become_when_it_finished_high/
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Three girls are stuck on an island

They find a lamp and a genie comes out of it. He grants them each one wish. The brunette girl wishes to go home and see her family. *poof* shes gone. The redhead wishes also go go home to see her family. *poof* shes gone. The genie comes to the blonde girl and sees that shes crying. He asks "why are you crying?". She responds "I wish my friends were back".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gw09x/three_girls_are_stuck_on_an_island/
%
How do you blow up a Muslim's phone?

Put it on airplane mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gvzqb/how_do_you_blow_up_a_muslims_phone/
%
A doctor gets pulled over for speeding...

A doctor is rushing to work and speeding over a bridge. A police officer sees him, and promptly pulls him over.
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I don't have time for this, I'm a doctor and needed desperately by a patient."
"A doctor, eh? What do you do that's so important you need to do 90 on a bridge?"
"I stretch assholes."
"You stretch assholes? What do you mean?"
"Well, I work in a finger, then two, then a hand, and just keep stretching until they're about 6 feet."
"What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?!"
"Put them on a bridge with a radar gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gvzj1/a_doctor_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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As I'm getting older I find that I'm using my glasses more

When I was young I just drank straight from the bottle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gvw03/as_im_getting_older_i_find_that_im_using_my/
%
How much does a red lightsaber cost?

An arm and a leg
^^edit: ^^slightly ^^improved ^^punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gvtds/how_much_does_a_red_lightsaber_cost/
%
Three blondes are on the side of a river...

...wondering how they will get across.  The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river."  so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river.  The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river."  So God turns her into a red head and she builds a boat and rows across the river.  The third also prays "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined."  So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gvot1/three_blondes_are_on_the_side_of_a_river/
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A Strange Date

A young man, out on the tiles with his mates, spies the girl of his Dreams across a dance floor.
Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her.
Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
Saturday night, the young man arrives at her house with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates.
To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. 'I'm sorry' she exclaims, 'I'm running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish dressing.
I should warn you though, they are both deaf mutes."
With this, she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and
promptly disappears.
As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent.
Dad is sitting in his armchair watching football on TV and Mum is busy knitting.
After about 10 minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her backside.
Just as sudden, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch and takes her from behind.
He then sits back in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.
After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening.
The date is a complete disaster.
The young man is totally pre-occupied by the antics of the young lady's Parents.
At the end of the date, sensing something is seriously wrong, the young lady asks the young guy,
"What's the matter? What have I done wrong?"
"No, it's not you", he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened whilst I was waiting for you and I'm still shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water on her  backside.Then, as if that wasn't enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back and places a match stick by his eye".
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The man can't believe her casual response.
Mum was simply saying 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?'
And Dad was replying 'No fuck him, I'm watching the match'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gvo5k/a_strange_date/
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A frog walks into a bank...

...and proceeds to ask the Asian teller, Ms. Patricia Wok, for a $5,000 loan.  Absolutely gobsmacked at a talking frog she mechanically goes through the procedure, asking him if he has any references.  As a matter of fact, he replies, my dad's Mick Jagger, he's a musician.  Okay, she says hesitantly.  I mean if a talking frog, what's not allowed?  Do you have any collateral, she continues.  Yeah, he says, this ruby, while pulling a crimson rock from his overalls.  Composing herself she decides to ask the bank manager for assistance.  Quickly bringing him up to speed, she says, can we continue with the transaction and is the ruby even real?  At which point the bank manager examines the gemstone, sizes up the situation and says, it's just a nicknack Patty Wok but give the frog a loan, his old man is a rolling stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gvgws/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank/
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HR: Sir, why is your secretary standing with tens of underwear in hand?

Boss: Damn, I asked her to debrief all the interns before the meeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gva1m/hr_sir_why_is_your_secretary_standing_with_tens/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gv68d/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot_it/
%
Did you hear about the nun that bites her nails?

You can say she has a bad habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gv54v/did_you_hear_about_the_nun_that_bites_her_nails/
%
How do you change root beer in to a beer?

Put it  in a square cup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gv0ya/how_do_you_change_root_beer_in_to_a_beer/
%
What's the difference between feminists and Nazis?

The Nazis had a purpose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4guy4a/whats_the_difference_between_feminists_and_nazis/
%
Do you know anything about antiques?

Cause I found a tampon in my backyard and I wanted to know what period it was from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gux8k/do_you_know_anything_about_antiques/
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You can reach 80 years

Doctor: Your health seems to be in such a condition that I believe you can reach 80 years.
*But doctor, I am already 80!*
You see - I told you to quit smoking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4guwei/you_can_reach_80_years/
%
Who was the best financier in the Bible?

Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gutpk/who_was_the_best_financier_in_the_bible/
%
Where did Noah keep his bees?

In his ark hives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gusx8/where_did_noah_keep_his_bees/
%
Woman Attacks her Husband

This woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars.
Judge: "First Offender?"
Woman:  "No. First a Gibson Les Paul. Second a Fender."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4guppc/woman_attacks_her_husband/
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Cow jokes

**What do you call a three legged cow?**
*Tri tip*
**What do you call a cow with no legs?**
*Ground beef*
**What do you call a masturbating cow?**
*Beef Stroganoff*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4guoid/cow_jokes/
%
Quiting smoking is easy

I've done it hundreds of times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gulkp/quiting_smoking_is_easy/
%
What travels down an alley and has holes in it?

Bruce Wayne's parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gukqs/what_travels_down_an_alley_and_has_holes_in_it/
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What do you call it when batman leaves church early?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gukeo/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_leaves_church/
%
"Hey Ernie do you want some ice cream?"

"Sherbet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gujuj/hey_ernie_do_you_want_some_ice_cream/
%
Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said

"You're a lot like a math exam."
I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"
She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4guiz1/lying_in_bed_my_girlfriend_turned_to_me_and_said/
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A philosopher, mathematician, and accountant were asked what 1+1=?

The philosopher responded, "The idea of 'sameness' is a human construct, so 1+1=2 in the sense that the objects one is adding together are the same in his or her mind. As a simple example, one cannot add together an apple and a monkey, but one apple plus another certainly equals two apples because they are the same."
&nbsp;
The mathematician responded, "Well, really for numbers to exist, one must actually assume that 1+1=2, then the entire number line can be constructed. It's an axiom."
&nbsp;
The accountant gave a wry smile and said, "1+1 eh? Well, what do you want it to equal?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gui0t/a_philosopher_mathematician_and_accountant_were/
%
Never understood why my friends never asked for relationship advice from me.....

I've had over 9 successful marriages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4guho0/never_understood_why_my_friends_never_asked_for/
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Why don't you ever want Hitler to be your chemistry lab partner?

Because he always ends with a really fucked up final solution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4guef2/why_dont_you_ever_want_hitler_to_be_your/
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What do you say when Al Gore writes computer code?

He's writing an Algorithm!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gub7q/what_do_you_say_when_al_gore_writes_computer_code/
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An elderly couple...

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We’re outta here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4guatx/an_elderly_couple/
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Why don't Italians do bondage?

Because they can't say the safeword while they're wearing handcuffs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gu93e/why_dont_italians_do_bondage/
%
What do you call a nomadic neanderthal?

A meanderthal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gu8e0/what_do_you_call_a_nomadic_neanderthal/
%
Do you think Donald Trump get his hairpieces for free...

...or does he have toupée?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gu7oz/do_you_think_donald_trump_get_his_hairpieces_for/
%
Why did the hen fall in the well?

she couldn't see that well

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gu6sj/why_did_the_hen_fall_in_the_well/
%
I used to be into S&M. And necrophilia. And bestiality.

Then I realized I was beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gu5z0/i_used_to_be_into_sm_and_necrophilia_and/
%
I went to the Air and Space Museum

It wasn't as empty as I thought it'd be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gu2x1/i_went_to_the_air_and_space_museum/
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One of the most popular searches on pornhub is Minecraft porn

I tried searching for that once. Unfortunately, it was blocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gu118/one_of_the_most_popular_searches_on_pornhub_is/
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Wanna hear a joke about pizza?

Never mind it's too cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gtwzw/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_pizza/
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Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me

for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not
Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gts6u/pupil_teacher_would_you_punish_me/
%
A man was shot with a starter pistol today...

Police are saying it was Race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gtq7q/a_man_was_shot_with_a_starter_pistol_today/
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What do you call a woman who obsesses over learning about sex?

An info-maniac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gtn71/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_obsesses_over/
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CONTEMPT OF COURT

Two guys on trial for drug dealing.
Judge sentences them to 10 years but gives them a chance to half it to 5 years plus release after 3 years for good behaviour if they spend a month stopping people taking drugs.
Ist guy claims he stopped 15 people Judge say very good - average is 12.  How do did you do that?
Guy points to a big coin and a little coin and  said "i told people drugs fucks your brain, and big coin is size before you take drugs and little coin is size after"
Judge says very good - sentence halved.
Second guy claims 250 people and Judge goes ballistic and is about to increase sentence to 20 years for contempt of court for lying.  Defence lawyer swears his client is telling the truth.
Judge  asks disbelievingly how he did it and second guy gets out big coin and little coin and says " well I told people if you get caught dealing drugs you will go to jail" and points to little coin and says "so I told those people that this is the size of your ass before you go to jail and ......"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gtmry/contempt_of_court/
%
What do you with a dying chemist?

Well, if you can't helium and you can't curium, all you can do is barium!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gtmfc/what_do_you_with_a_dying_chemist/
%
Asking for CYANIDE in the Pharmacy....

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, „I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gtltq/asking_for_cyanide_in_the_pharmacy/
%
What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gtli4/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_a_bottle/
%
I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store...

I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gtif5/im_thinking_of_opening_a_preowned_clock_store/
%
What's the difference between an ass kisser and a brown noser?

Depth perception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gtgy2/whats_the_difference_between_an_ass_kisser_and_a/
%
Where does Donald Trump store his books?

The fireplace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gtfr0/where_does_donald_trump_store_his_books/
%
A man in his backyard....

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"
To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."
The man asks,"Jesus, why is life so hard?"
To which Jesus replies,"That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."
The man asks again,"How was the universe created?"
Jesus replies,"I'm sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gtdd2/a_man_in_his_backyard/
%
My Grandfather had the heart of a Lion

and a lifetime BAN from the city Zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gtc1g/my_grandfather_had_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
3 blonde women are on one side of a river...

...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river." So God turns her into a red head and she builds a boat and rows across the river. The third also prays "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined." So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gtbs9/3_blonde_women_are_on_one_side_of_a_river/
%
Two mice were chewing on a film roll

..when one of them says:
*I think the book was better*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gta0i/two_mice_were_chewing_on_a_film_roll/
%
Hillary and Trump get into a helicoptor

The helicopter takes off. After 20 mins into the flight there is a constant beeping noise and the pilot seems to be in a panick
Pilot: *Shit, the helicopter is not able to take the weight. I'm unable to control it*
Hillary: *What do we do now?*
Pilot: *one person has to jump out*
Hillary and Trump start fighting saying how important each was and started calling names...when suddenly
Pilot: *Since you both are important, I have taken the decision to sacrifice myself*
Hillary and Trump start clapping and saying patriotic slogans
Pilot jumps with the parachute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gt93e/hillary_and_trump_get_into_a_helicoptor/
%
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gt6yj/my_girlfriend_just_broke_up_with_me_for_talking/
%
What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Dead ant. Dead ant. Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead annnnnnnnttt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gt47x/what_did_the_pink_panther_say_when_he_stepped_on/
%
A world renowned chef undercooked the meat

It was a rare misteak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gt01m/a_world_renowned_chef_undercooked_the_meat/
%
I don't like adulting...

...just kidding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gsyv1/i_dont_like_adulting/
%
A man streaked passed two old women in the park...

the first one had a stroke; the other missed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gsy28/a_man_streaked_passed_two_old_women_in_the_park/
%
A duck walks into a bar

and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gst5w/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why was Cinderella kicked off the baseball team?

She kept running away from the ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gst2q/why_was_cinderella_kicked_off_the_baseball_team/
%
Not everyone is able to fly...

but every toucan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gssfx/not_everyone_is_able_to_fly/
%
The Lord said unto John; "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and he won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gsq03/the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you_shall/
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A Lesson In Government...

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed.
In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.
When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there.
So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud......
''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gsp97/a_lesson_in_government/
%
A son walks up to his dad

and tells him: "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"
His dad replies: "It's like that everywhere son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gsni1/a_son_walks_up_to_his_dad/
%
What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gsjhh/what_is_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365/
%
Turn it around

A man walks into a bar and asks for rum and coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, surprised, takes a bite of the apple and it tastes like rum.
The bartender says, "Turn it around!"
The man takes a bite and says, "And that's coke!"
Another man came into the bar and orders gin and tonic. The bartender hands him an apple and tells him to take a bite. The man is surprised to taste tonic. The bartender tells him to flip it around and he tastes gin.
A third man comes into the bar and the previous two men excitedly tell him about the apples, "You can order anything and the bartender will give you an apple that tastes like it!"
The man, not believing them, says, "Oh yeah? Give me an apple that tastes like pussy." The bartender hands him an apple and the man takes a bite. He immediately spits it out and yells, "That tastes like shit!"
The bartender says, "Turn it around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gsito/turn_it_around/
%
I asked my dad if he liked his haircut...

He said he didn't at first but it's growing on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gs9mh/i_asked_my_dad_if_he_liked_his_haircut/
%
How do Hawaiian Muslims greet each other?

"Aloha Akbar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gs51z/how_do_hawaiian_muslims_greet_each_other/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*chokes*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gs3dk/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Who won the first Tour de France?

I don't know his name, but I know he was in a German tank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gryoe/who_won_the_first_tour_de_france/
%
I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
Shout out to u/mister_damage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4grxq0/i_havent_had_sex_since_1956/
%
I now have an EpiPen

My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed really important that I have it, I will cherish forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4grsjn/i_now_have_an_epipen/
%
Johnny: Teacher! I need to take a piss!

Teacher: Johnny!  The word is urinate.  Once you can use urinate in a sentence, you my go to the bathroom
So time later....
Johnny: I thought of one
Teacher: Yes Johnny
Johnny: Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4grsd4/johnny_teacher_i_need_to_take_a_piss/
%
Did you know LSD can make you lose weight?

Because you can't get to the fridge if there's a dragon guarding it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4grsbj/did_you_know_lsd_can_make_you_lose_weight/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4grps1/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
A Jew and Arab walk into a bakery...

The Arab immediately steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4grow1/a_jew_and_arab_walk_into_a_bakery/
%
College can be a lot like prison sometimes

It's easier to get into if you're black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4groqo/college_can_be_a_lot_like_prison_sometimes/
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We use a very accurate term to describe our government.

Politics, poly meaning many, and ticks meaning bloodsucking creatures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4grlqh/we_use_a_very_accurate_term_to_describe_our/
%
You shouldn't trust dermatologists.

They make a lot of rash decisions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4grjmq/you_shouldnt_trust_dermatologists/
%
She told me to go deeper....

But I was all out of poems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4grjm4/she_told_me_to_go_deeper/
%
I don't hold grudges.

My father held grudges, I always hated him for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4grjj1/i_dont_hold_grudges/
%
"It's a boy!"

...he screamed, "it's a boy!".
Tears rolling down his face, and he vowed to never go back to Thailand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4grdb0/its_a_boy/
%
"I've been a bad girl," she said. "I need to be punished."

So I installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4grd75/ive_been_a_bad_girl_she_said_i_need_to_be_punished/
%
Two soldiers are in a tank.

One says to the other, "I'd better get out and dry myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gr94q/two_soldiers_are_in_a_tank/
%
Two fish are in a tank

One says to another, "I'll drive. You shoot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gr7iv/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gr6x6/what_is_the_difference_between_a_physicist_an/
%
Now I understand why my relationships are so complex...

My girlfriends are imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gr683/now_i_understand_why_my_relationships_are_so/
%
My girlfriend told me I was one in a million

When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gr1w4/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_was_one_in_a_million/
%
Useless People

One useless person is useless.
Two useless people are a law firm.
Hundreds of useless people are Congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqxy7/useless_people/
%
An old black southern woman sits down on a plane...

Next to an old white couple and asks, "so where y'all from?"
The white woman says "where I'm from, we don't end our sentences with prepositions."
The other woman says "so where y'all from, bitch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqxws/an_old_black_southern_woman_sits_down_on_a_plane/
%
What do you call four rats on a mathematical equation?

A quadratic equation :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqwex/what_do_you_call_four_rats_on_a_mathematical/
%
If a single stick is called a "fag", and a bundle of "fags" is called a "faggot", then what do you call a group of "faggots"?

A "subreddit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqtpz/if_a_single_stick_is_called_a_fag_and_a_bundle_of/
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The Italian Virginity Test ....

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says … “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel.”
Mario asks … “And what do I do with these things, doc?”
The doctor replies … “Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.
If she says ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen!’, you hit her with the Shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqsyw/the_italian_virginity_test/
%
What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqsye/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
A young boy got expelled for the using the C word in class

The principal asked him "That wasn't clever, was it?"
The boy replied " No, it was cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqsqb/a_young_boy_got_expelled_for_the_using_the_c_word/
%
A friend of mine hosted a party to help him get over his girl friend dumping him.

Three of us showed up. I brought a deck of cards,and suggested we play a game.
He refused, saying we needed to wait for atleast one more person to show up.
No wonder his girlfriend dumped him. He hated four play.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqsi6/a_friend_of_mine_hosted_a_party_to_help_him_get/
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A new bell-ringer at Notre-Dame... part deux

Well, since the passing of the armless man, the priests continued their search for a new bell-ringer. Again, no candidate quite had what it took.
Nearing the end of the day, one more man stepped forward and said, "Hi, my brother died here yesterday, and I was hoping I could take his place to honor him. I taught him everything he knew about bell-ringing."
The priests gave him a chance, and the man used the exact same technique as his brother before him: take a few paces back, run head first into the bell, and produce the most beautiful tone ever heard by man.
The man was immediately hired, and used the opportunity to ring the bell again. A few paces back, ran head first, and missed the bell completely, fell to the ground, and *splat* died on impact, just like his brother.
The priests worked their way through the gathering crowd, as a man asked, "Dear Heavens above, does anyone know who *this* man was?"
The priest replied, "I dunno, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqs53/a_new_bellringer_at_notredame_part_deux/
%
Civil War puns are the best

And General Lee, they're easy to make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqqt5/civil_war_puns_are_the_best/
%
I don't know why everyone is complaining about gender inequality in the film industry . . .

Just the other day I saw *several* movies starring women in a variety of roles, such as a teacher, a pizza delivery girl, and a naughty horse trainer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqoa9/i_dont_know_why_everyone_is_complaining_about/
%
What's the best part about fingering a Gypsy on her period?

You get your palm read at the same time....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqnaj/whats_the_best_part_about_fingering_a_gypsy_on/
%
I was in the gents restrooms at the urinals with my whacky inventor friend when he told me that he'd installed a voice activated device on his penis to combat his mild incontinence by controlling the flow of his pee.

I said "piss off!" and sure enough it stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqmyb/i_was_in_the_gents_restrooms_at_the_urinals_with/
%
Trump and Clinton

If you put Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton on an island, who would survive?
AMERICA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqimy/trump_and_clinton/
%
What's the most common disease in Canada?

Hepatitis Eh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqhwo/whats_the_most_common_disease_in_canada/
%
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqggq/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
What do you call a mother who lies about being a father?

transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqc80/what_do_you_call_a_mother_who_lies_about_being_a/
%
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

"Robin, let's get in the Batmobile."
Bonus joke:
What did one orphan say to the other orphan as they got into their car?
"Robin, let's get in the Batmobile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqbsl/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_they_got_into/
%
What do you call fake pasta?

An impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqbap/what_do_you_call_fake_pasta/
%
Chemistry joke thread?

I'll start:
I was at -273.15°C one time. It was OK.
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium
I'm sorry guys there really are no good chemistry jokes: all the good ones argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gq9be/chemistry_joke_thread/
%
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench...

outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.  One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"   "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.  As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.  Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?"  asked her waiting friend. "Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gq3z3/two_old_ladies_were_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gq2yb/lpt_if_your_phone_gets_water_damage_leave_it_in_a/
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Did you get that joke about the Titanic?

It took a while to sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gq2jr/did_you_get_that_joke_about_the_titanic/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one asks for a pint. The second one asks for half a pint. The third one asks for quarter a pint and so on. When the fourth one asks for 1/8th of a pint, the bartender gives them two pints instead and says:
"You guys should know your limits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpywb/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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When I see a woman driving a bus

I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality.
`
And then I wait for the next bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpwln/when_i_see_a_woman_driving_a_bus/
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The blind circumcisionist

What happened to the blind circumcisionist?
He got the sack!
Don't think Circumcisionist is a real word but it sounds better then surgeon or urologist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpw3c/the_blind_circumcisionist/
%
I always tell my kids to stay well clear of any Train tracks...

...except "Drops of Jupiter". That one's ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpv4b/i_always_tell_my_kids_to_stay_well_clear_of_any/
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At geography class

Little Jon is at school reading his geography book in class. The teacher tries to surprise him:
- Where's England, Jon?
He proudly answers:
- Page 83.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpv02/at_geography_class/
%
Where does a librarian sleep?

Between the covers.
I will now show myself to the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpuw2/where_does_a_librarian_sleep/
%
English teachers' favorite knock-knock joke

Knock-knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
*To whom*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gput7/english_teachers_favorite_knockknock_joke/
%
A Gay Couple & Lesbian Couple Are Driving to California. Who Gets there First?

The lesbian couple.  They are going to be gone lickity split, while the gay couple is still at home packing their shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpual/a_gay_couple_lesbian_couple_are_driving_to/
%
A young boy enters a barber Shop

and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpsyl/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
%
Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a concert for the Queen of England.' The second surgeon hears this, knocks back a shot, and says, 'You think that's something, listen to this. I had a patient that lost both his legs and his left arm in a freak combine accident. I reattached all three limbs and a year later, he won a triathlon gold medal at the olympics.' The third surgeon sits back and laughs. He buys a round of shots, and says, 'That's nothing. Get this. I had a patient, the man was an equestrian. Well, one day, he was out riding and he lost track of where he was, and he and his horse were hit by a freight train. After the accident, all I had to work with was his toupee and a horse's ass, and today... That man is winning the US Republican presidential primary.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gps34/three_surgeons_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
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My father never told me why he removed the last page of my comics.

I drew my own conclusions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpqs8/my_father_never_told_me_why_he_removed_the_last/
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A driver gets pulled over . . .

A man gets pulled over for rolling through a stop sign.  While the officer is doing the routine license check, he spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
The cop tells the driver, "I'll let you off this time, but you need to take those penguins straight to the zoo."  The driver was happy to get off with just a warning, so he agrees.
The next day, the officer sees the same car in another part of town, with some penguins peeking out the back windows.
He pulls over the driver again. "Hey, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo just yesterday!"
"Your sure did," says the driver, "and what a great idea that was.  We had so much fun that today I'm taking them to the beach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpori/a_driver_gets_pulled_over/
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I saw a play that had King Midas meeting Oedipus.

It was pure motherfucking gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpnuo/i_saw_a_play_that_had_king_midas_meeting_oedipus/
%
What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?

They're fun to ride, but you don't want your friend to see you with one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpnct/what_do_fat_girls_and_mopeds_have_in_common/
%
Why isn't NSA mass surveillance a hot topic in the US elections?

Because it's the only part of the govt that listens to the American people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpmly/why_isnt_nsa_mass_surveillance_a_hot_topic_in_the/
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Hitler pun

"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals."
Hitler: "So mine less."
Grammar Nazi busts in.
"MINE FEWER."
(Hitler looks up) "Yes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpmk1/hitler_pun/
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger Joke: True Story

3 guys in their early twenties were waiting for a 4th person they were matched up with to play some golf.  To their surprise, the 4th person shows up and it's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
He walks up smoking a cigar and the first thing he says to them is "So when was your last blowjob?"
One of the young guys responds proudly "Last night"
Arnold then said "How did it taste?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpkxu/arnold_schwarzenegger_joke_true_story/
%
I lost my wife in a bet

I bet I could sleep with her sister

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gphfk/i_lost_my_wife_in_a_bet/
%
Little Johnnie is in class and the teacher asks someone to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence.

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpgnk/little_johnnie_is_in_class_and_the_teacher_asks/
%
So a German father steps into a butcher shop

to provide food for his kid's 18th birthday party. They exchange pleasantries and the father asks for authentic german meats food for his son's party.
"That would be about ten euros per guest for a lavish traditional meal," the butcher says. The father, who is celebrating not only his son's coming of age but his final child leaving the nest says that he is strapped for cash as well. He hands out a pocketful of euro coins and bills and drops it on the table, and asks what he can get with that.
"You can expect the wurst."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpfzp/so_a_german_father_steps_into_a_butcher_shop/
%
What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpe6o/whats_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
%
When a girl seductively tells you, "you can stick it wherever you want"

Apparently in her roommate is NOT one of the options

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpdt4/when_a_girl_seductively_tells_you_you_can_stick/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpdf6/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS
...what was the question again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpd4g/how_many_women_with_pms_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
What do you call a drunk Muslim?

Mohammered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gpd2p/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_muslim/
%
What do you call an incognito deer?

An anonymoose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gp9dg/what_do_you_call_an_incognito_deer/
%
Why couldn't the American leave Russia?

He was snowden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gp08d/why_couldnt_the_american_leave_russia/
%
A church father was riding a horse...

Or was it the child?
A church father was riding a child...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gozu0/a_church_father_was_riding_a_horse/
%
Foreigners suck...

They blatantly disregard the "i before e except after c" rule.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4goypi/foreigners_suck/
%
How do you know a girl with leprosy likes you?

She gives you the eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gou5v/how_do_you_know_a_girl_with_leprosy_likes_you/
%
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4goshz/how_does_a_woman_scare_a_gynecologist/
%
The past, present and future walk into a bar

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gosce/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What did the spice merchant say when someone knocked on his door?

Cumin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gos7h/what_did_the_spice_merchant_say_when_someone/
%
How many religious women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nun.
I'll^hear^myself^out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gort0/how_many_religious_women_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
An elderly man walks into a confessional...

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gora9/an_elderly_man_walks_into_a_confessional/
%
A Hillbilly is the First in his Family to Attend Ninth Grade...

Jethro is the first in a long line of hillbillies and bumpkins to attend schooling beyond the eighth grade.  After his first day of high school, the whole family is bursting with pride to see him swaggering up the driveway.
His father says, "Jethro, come tell us about that fancy high school!  What'd you learn up there today?"
Jethro says, "Pa, they taught me some al-gee-bra."
His father is dumbstruck.  "What is al-gee-bra, boy?"
Jethro says, "I ain't too sure. I think it's a math language."
His father says, "Well, speak some of that fancy al-gee-bra for us!"
Jethro says, "Pi R Squared."
Everyone in the family stops smiling.  Jethro's father shakes his head.  "No, boy.  Pie are round. Cornbread are squared."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gonpe/a_hillbilly_is_the_first_in_his_family_to_attend/
%
If the Eagle is the bird of freedom, and the Dove is the bird of peace ...

Then the bird of true love is the Swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gom1t/if_the_eagle_is_the_bird_of_freedom_and_the_dove/
%
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gok7o/they_say_theres_a_person_capable_of_murder_in/
%
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause and the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4goi2w/what_is_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
%
I'm single for so long

My last girlfriend dumped me on MSN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gohxn/im_single_for_so_long/
%
I dated this metal chick once

It was all cool for the first month, but then she started to rust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gohlt/i_dated_this_metal_chick_once/
%
Another version of that Ireland joke

This is a repost, it's just that joke reminded me of this joke about a black boy.
He accidentally knocked a bag of flour off the shelf and it went all over him.
His mom came in the kitchen and he decided to make a joke of it. "Look Mom, I'm white!" he said.
His mom slapped him across the cheek. "I can't believe you just said that boy, go tell your father what you just said."
Surprised and a little hurt, he walked over to his Dad in the TV room and said "Hey look Dad... I'm white!"
When his Dad heard that, he flat out punched the kid. Square in the face. The kid was shocked and confused. The Dad said "Boy that's the worst shit I've ever heard, go and show your grandma what you did and tell her what you said.
So the kid begrudgingly walked upstairs and walked into his Grandma's bedroom. "Hey Grandma look, I'm white..."
...and his Grandma just pummeled him. Relentlessly. So hard that both the kids' parents had came upstairs to break up the beating.
They all stood around him and asked him "Yeah well how do you feel about making that joke now?"
The kid just looked up at them and said "...Well I've only been white for 10 minutes, and I hate all you niggers already!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4goh86/another_version_of_that_ireland_joke/
%
Textbooks

The podiatry textbook used footnotes while the proctology textbook used endnotes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4goepj/textbooks/
%
Husband: I lost my wife says to Inspector

Husband: I lost my wife; she went shopping & hasn’t come back yet.
Inspector: what is her height?
Husband: I never checked.
Inspector: Slim or Healthy?
Husband: Not Slim can be healthy.
Inspector: color of eyes?
Husband: Never Notice.
Inspector: color of hair?
Husband: Changes According to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector: Was she driving?
Husband: yes.
Inspector: Color of the car? ...
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 2.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight- speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door….an then the Husband started crying…
Inspector: Don not worry sir,… we will find your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4godch/husband_i_lost_my_wife_says_to_inspector/
%
A baby Seal walks into a club..

..It died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gobsw/a_baby_seal_walks_into_a_club/
%
What happens when you paint your laptop black?

It runs faster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gob3y/what_happens_when_you_paint_your_laptop_black/
%
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"????

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4go5q7/teacher_tell_me_a_sentence_that_starts_with_an_i/
%
Masturbation is an excellent skill to have.

Done right, it sure comes in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4go063/masturbation_is_an_excellent_skill_to_have/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing they are both stuck up cunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gnzwz/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
CIA Agent arrested in Russia

A CIA agent is arrested in Moscow and charged with spying. The agent is fluent in Russian and has had years of specialised training on how to blend in with the Russian people. he's the perfect sleeper agent.
Down in the darkest dungeons beneath Kremlin the Russian Secret Service (FSS) begin their interrogation.
"We know you are American, spy Pig. Admit it!"
"How can you say that? I speak Russian like a Muscovite, I am Russian."
"You are lying, Spy Pig. We know you are a Yankee dog. Admit it"
The Agent pulls a copy of Pushkin from his jacket pocket and begins to read aloud. Within minutes the guards are weeping with joy at how beautifully the poetry is read.
"You see, only a Russian can read Pushkin like this", said the agent.
"You lie, Spy Pig, I know you are an American, confess".
The agent calls one the of the guards to play Kalinka on his balalaika. The agent leaps on to the table a dances a Russian folk dance whilst singing. The guards clap and cheer having seldom seen such a perfect performance.
"You see no one can sing the most loved song in Russia like this if you are not a Russian."
"You lie Yankee snail pig. I know you are an American".
The agent calls of 6 bottles of Siberian vodka and over the next hour drinks them all finally smashing his glass on the table.
"No one drinks vodka like a Russian and I am a Russian"
Impressed the FSS agent claps his hands slowly.
"You are good Yankee Pig poo, very good, but I know you are not Russian and now you die".
The CIA agent slumps in his seat knowing he is defeated.
"Tell me one thing, how did you know? I am highly trained can speak, read Pushkin, sing and dance and drink like a Russian. My cover was perfect. How did you know I am an American?"
"It was easy Yankee man, we have no Blacks in Russia"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gnyjm/cia_agent_arrested_in_russia/
%
Some friars were behind on their belfry payments...

... so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . .
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gnvrl/some_friars_were_behind_on_their_belfry_payments/
%
I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction...

...now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gnth8/i_once_had_a_crippiling_masturbation_addiction/
%
My wife is mad at me...

W: "I can't believed you fucked my sister!"
M: "She was just lying on the table when I got to work. Stark naked, looking incredibly hot! What was I supposed to do? I'm just human!"
W: "Performed the fucking autopsy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gnrsj/my_wife_is_mad_at_me/
%
What's the hardest about being a pedophile?

Just trying to fit in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gnnlr/whats_the_hardest_about_being_a_pedophile/
%
Life is like a bag of jelly beans

Everyone hates the black ones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gnlxx/life_is_like_a_bag_of_jelly_beans/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee...

Black and ground up in the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gniv1/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Drunk As Hell....

Three men had a very late night drinking.
They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!"
The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...
Chunks is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gnewf/drunk_as_hell/
%
Two Muslim Brothers

Two Muslim brothers come to America and have a contest to see who can become more Americanized. A month later they get together and one proudly says "I took my son to a baseball game and we ate hot dogs!" The other replies "Fuck you, towelhead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gnert/two_muslim_brothers/
%
What do you call a cardboard belt?

A waist of paper.
--
^(Credit: Shadow Warrior fortune cookie)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gn5nz/what_do_you_call_a_cardboard_belt/
%
What do you call 4 mexicans in quick sand?

Cuatro sinko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gn54s/what_do_you_call_4_mexicans_in_quick_sand/
%
Without nipples...

Boobs would be pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gn2or/without_nipples/
%
How many dead orphans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously more than 10, cause it's still pretty dark in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gn2eb/how_many_dead_orphans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger ..

And then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gn1xm/i_was_wondering_why_the_ball_kept_getting_bigger/
%
What did one font say to the other while at the beach?

"Serifs up, dude!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gn1mk/what_did_one_font_say_to_the_other_while_at_the/
%
What do you call a friar in prison?

A felonious monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gn039/what_do_you_call_a_friar_in_prison/
%
Who satisfies earth the most?

Sun. Because the sun goes down every night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gmz4q/who_satisfies_earth_the_most/
%
I was gonna make a sodium joke

But Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gmqxc/i_was_gonna_make_a_sodium_joke/
%
A new bell-ringer at Notre-Dame...

Since the passing of Quasimodo, Notre-Dame has needed a new bell-ringer. The priests held auditions for an entire day, but no one could quite live up to the task. Near the end of the day, when they were ready to call it quits, a man with no arms approached them.
"Hi, I'd like to audition to be the bell-ringer?" he said.
The priests looked at each other, said "why not, and gave him a chance. The man took a few paces back, and then ran head first into the bell. And it was the most beautiful the bell had ever sounded. The priests immediately gave him the job, and in his excitement, the man lined up again. A few paces back, ran head first, and missed the bell completely, fell to the ground, and *splat* died on impact.
The priests ran down and worked their way through a crowd to see the man. One person asked "Mother of mercy, does anyone know who this man was?"
To which the priest replied, "I dunno, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gmqt3/a_new_bellringer_at_notredame/
%
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gmq31/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_he_dumps_his/
%
Why Don't Jews Like Ions?

They prefer their molecules free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gmp98/why_dont_jews_like_ions/
%
A Jewish man and a Chinese man strike up a conversation...

Before long they're arguing...
Jewish man: "You know what? I hate you."
Chinese man: "For what?"
Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!"
Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"
Jewish man: "eh, Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?"
Chinese man: "Well, you kow what? I hate you."
Jewish man: "For what?!?"
Chinese man: "The Titanic!"
Jewish man: "An iceberg sunk the Tatanic!"
Chinese man: "eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gmoq8/a_jewish_man_and_a_chinese_man_strike_up_a/
%
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None.
Instead, they end up beating the room for being dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gmjpa/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
Past, present, and future walk into a bar

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gmi0w/past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why do they want to change the faces on dollar bills but not on coins?

Because the only constant is change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gmhf6/why_do_they_want_to_change_the_faces_on_dollar/
%
Why did the calendar die?

It's days were numbered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gmg7u/why_did_the_calendar_die/
%
What do you call it when Batman wants to leave church early?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gmc5p/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_wants_to_leave/
%
What was Osama bin Laden's favorite football team?

The New York Jets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gmb9i/what_was_osama_bin_ladens_favorite_football_team/
%
Who was the first man to masturbate in space?

The first man in space!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gm9z0/who_was_the_first_man_to_masturbate_in_space/
%
Why is it considered socially wrong to make fun of a crying 10-year old boy in Africa?

Because it's normal to undergo a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gm96a/why_is_it_considered_socially_wrong_to_make_fun/
%
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gm7rx/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_promoted/
%
Someone stole all the toilets from my local police station...

The police have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gm5j3/someone_stole_all_the_toilets_from_my_local/
%
Sexual Harassment joke....

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air
and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore,  takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment
grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gm5de/sexual_harassment_joke/
%
Little Boy And His Train Set

There was a little boy playing in the living room with his electric train set that he got for Christmas while his mother was in the kitchen doing all the dishes.  The mother heard the train stop and heard her son say “All you sons of a bitches that want to disembark  get off the damn train, any of you bastards wanting to board, get on this damn thing cause we are fixing to take off”.
The mother immediately dropped what she was doing and ran in the living room, yanked her son up and said we don’t use that kind of language in this house. “Now go to your room and you can come out in two hours.”
The little boy went to his room and returned in two hours.  He started playing with his train set again.. The mother heard the train stop and the little boy said, “I would like to thank those of you for traveling with us today and don’t forget your personal items as you leave the train.  Those of you boarding the train, please store your carry ons in the overhead bins or store them under your seat.  We will be leaving shortly”.  The mother was just as proud as she could be.  Then the little boy says: “And those of you that are pissed off about the two hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gm152/little_boy_and_his_train_set/
%
I rang the gym about joining their yoga class.

They asked: *"how flexible are you?"*
&nbsp;
I said *"I can't make Wednesdays or Thursdays"*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4glyty/i_rang_the_gym_about_joining_their_yoga_class/
%
I'm not racist...

...I own a colored tv.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4glxgk/im_not_racist/
%
Being left-handed is unacceptable.

It's just not right....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4glw60/being_lefthanded_is_unacceptable/
%
I named my eraser Confidence

It gets smaller every time I make a mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4glvzu/i_named_my_eraser_confidence/
%
I don't downvote.

It's bad karma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4glrqj/i_dont_downvote/
%
A Native American asks his medicine man...

"Why am I named 'Cloud of Love'?"
The medicine man replies, "To prevent drought, I cast a spell on the day you were born."
"How does the spell work?" Asks Cloud.
"Every time you see a squaw you have bedded, the heavens will rain on our crops. So go forth and woo the squaws. Let me know when to expect rain."
The medicine man's wife walks by.
Cloud says "Expect rain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4glr1e/a_native_american_asks_his_medicine_man/
%
What do you call an introspective monk?

A deep friar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4glpx9/what_do_you_call_an_introspective_monk/
%
How does a musician make a million dollars?

They start with 2 million.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4glovn/how_does_a_musician_make_a_million_dollars/
%
What's big and brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4glmfp/whats_big_and_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
What's it called when you fry up an egg with a bunch of different ingredients?

Omelette you figure it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gllvp/whats_it_called_when_you_fry_up_an_egg_with_a/
%
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

Wanna ride bikes?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gliqi/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Timbuktu

The chief poet of the town dies, so they have to elect a new one. The voting whittles the candidates down to two. The town holds a feast to choose the winner. The mayor stands up and declares that the winner shall be decided by voting on the poem the candidates can come up with on the spot based on a subject of his choosing. The mayor announces the subject will be "Timbuktu."
The first candidate stands up,  thinks for a moment, and recites:
It came across a stormy gale
Broad of beam and wide of sail
Its keel was white, its hull was blue
Its destination: Timbuktu
The crowd erupts, they're cheering for the first candidate. The mayor calms the crowd, chiding them to remember they still must hear the other candidate's poem. The second candidate stands up, considers the crowd with utter solemnity, and says:
A-hiking Tim and I went,
When we came upon three girls in a tent
Since they were three and we but two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gli6e/timbuktu/
%
Why do old people read the bible so much?

cramming for finals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gli4p/why_do_old_people_read_the_bible_so_much/
%
What do you call a communnist sniper?

A Marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4glghe/what_do_you_call_a_communnist_sniper/
%
What do you call a fat computer?

A Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4glgep/what_do_you_call_a_fat_computer/
%
Anna Freud, asks Sigmund Freud

Anna Freud, before she became a great analyst, is in Vienna, at home with her father. The two of them are discussing psychoanalysis, when Anna turns to Freud and says "There is one thing I have always been meaning to ask that I am not sure about: What is the phallus?" Freud says "Well, this is something I could try to explain to you, but perhaps it is best if you come into my office." So, the two of them go into Freud's office. He closes the door, goes to his desk, turns around and unbuttons his trousers, pulls them down and says "Here, this is the phallus." Anna replies "Oh, I see, it's like a penis, only smaller."
Ian Parker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4glfs5/anna_freud_asks_sigmund_freud/
%
I keep thinking I'd like for my girlfriend and I to have a threesome

But then I think "I have enough trouble pleasing one woman, let alone some dude too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gleag/i_keep_thinking_id_like_for_my_girlfriend_and_i/
%
What's worse than ten babies stapled to a tree?

One baby stapled to ten trees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gldiw/whats_worse_than_ten_babies_stapled_to_a_tree/
%
How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d*ck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gl9tw/how_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gl9p6/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
How many Jews can you fit in a car?

Depends how big the ash tray is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gl970/how_many_jews_can_you_fit_in_a_car/
%
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?

Half calf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gl8w5/what_did_the_minotaur_order_at_starbucks/
%
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's gonna take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by a chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gl6nm/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
%
I only date girls that smoke weed

I guess you can say I have high standards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gl4xt/i_only_date_girls_that_smoke_weed/
%
A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...

... So he goes to the golf course to blow off some steam and meets a fellow golfer. After a couple rounds he starts to vent to him about his situation.
When the man finishes his story, the new found friend reveals that he is a hit man and charges $1000 bucks per kill. The man contemplates this and decides to play a couple more holes before making his decision.
As they approach the 18th hole (close to where the husband and wife live), the man sees his wifes lover's car in the driveway and he instantly decides to have them killed. He tells the hit man he will write him a check for $2000 on the spot, but he has to shoot his wife in head and the man in the dick.
The hit man goes and grabs his rifle and aims it through the bedroom window, after a few seconds he turns to the husband and says "Todays your lucky day... I'm only going to charge you $1000"
The husband replies, "Oh man, thanks but I make plenty of money, I'll gladly pay you the full $2000"
The hit man replies, "Don't worry about it buddy, Looks like this is only going to take one shot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkw9b/a_man_finds_out_his_wife_is_cheating_on_him/
%
Holy Prostitutes!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye... It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
'What may we do for you! my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkvh2/holy_prostitutes/
%
How are spinach and anal sex alike?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkujg/how_are_spinach_and_anal_sex_alike/
%
A man runs into a bar...

A man runs into a bar, and demands to the barkeep: "Quick! How tall do penguins grow?"
"About two foot sir" replies the bartender
"Shit. I've just run over a nun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkugm/a_man_runs_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between Mic Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mic Jagger says "Hey you, get off of my cloud". A Scotsman says "Hey, McLeod! Get off of my ewe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkt22/whats_the_difference_between_mic_jagger_and_a/
%
A priest offered a nun a lift.

She got in the car and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to ride up her leg exposing a fair amount of skin.
The priest nearly had an accident when he saw those shapely legs.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. Then nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest quickly removed his hand. But the sight got the better of him. He changed gears and once again let his hand stray to her exposed leg. Once again the nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest again removed his hand and apologized saying “Sorry Sister, but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
When the priest arrived back at his church, he rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkrlo/a_priest_offered_a_nun_a_lift/
%
What's got four legs and one arm?

An attack dog in a preschool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkr4p/whats_got_four_legs_and_one_arm/
%
Two necrophiles are discussing their love lives.

Necrophile 1: What happened with you and Brenda?
Necrophile 2: Ah, you know how it is. . .the rotten cunt split on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gknox/two_necrophiles_are_discussing_their_love_lives/
%
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair

, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkniy/a_young_blonde_woman_is_distraught_because_she/
%
What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their parents?

Roommates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkkw7/what_do_bernie_sanders_supporters_call_their/
%
!False

//It's funny because it's true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkknl/false/
%
I know this guy that's hooked on brake fluid

He said he could stop anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkjrg/i_know_this_guy_thats_hooked_on_brake_fluid/
%
A man is stopped by a traffic cop...

'Did you know you were three miles over the speed limit, sir? The officer asks.
The man begins to explain 'I'm really sorry officer I'm late for my arsehole stretching appointment'
Seeing the perplexed look on the officers face he continues, 'what they do is, put one finger in and work it around until they can fit two in, then keep going until they can get four in, then a hand, then both hands, then both arms to the elbow and it keeps going until my arsehole is six foot wide'
The officer, still perplexed, says 'what can you do with a six foot arsehole?
To which the man replies 'Stand him by the side of the road with a radar gun.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkhj2/a_man_is_stopped_by_a_traffic_cop/
%
I was at a nightclub

They played just dance I just danced
They played twist I twisted
They played jump I jumped
They played come on Eileen, I was kicked out of the club

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkg9i/i_was_at_a_nightclub/
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Air and Space Museum

So a 5 year old boy is walking around in the air and space museum, but he doesn't seem to be having a good time. Naturally, his mom asks him what's bothering him, and he responds: "Mom, it's just too boeing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkddc/air_and_space_museum/
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I wish prostitutes would learn a lesson from eBay

...and do away with insertion fees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gkb3n/i_wish_prostitutes_would_learn_a_lesson_from_ebay/
%
My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well she’s in for a shock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gk79i/my_girlfriend_says_im_hopeless_at_fixing/
%
Happy Hour

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a cup of coffee. The bartender replies: "Two cents."
The guy thinks it's a joke and asks: "Ok, how much for a beer?"
Bartender replies: "Two cents."
The guy gets angry: "And the steak dinner? How much?"
Bartender replies again: "Two cents."
The guy has had enough of the joke and says: "Can I speak to the manager?"
Bartender replies: "No, he's upstairs with my wife."
Guy: "What is he doing with your wife?"
Bartender: "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gk5vp/happy_hour/
%
What do you get if you cross Snoop Dogg with a hippo?

A smokesalottapotamus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gk2nb/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_snoop_dogg_with_a/
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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner.

The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gk24q/a_husband_and_a_wife_sit_at_the_table_having/
%
Donald Trump has written a lot of books

But they all ended with chapter 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gjwxn/donald_trump_has_written_a_lot_of_books/
%
I'm doing well on my New Years resolution to lose 10 pounds

I only have 15 more to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gjvhi/im_doing_well_on_my_new_years_resolution_to_lose/
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What is a proletariat cannibal's favorite food?

A double cheese bourger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gjtc5/what_is_a_proletariat_cannibals_favorite_food/
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An elderly woman had just returned

to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled:
“STOP! Acts 2:38!” (”Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.”)
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked:
“Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gjsxt/an_elderly_woman_had_just_returned/
%
Bad news about shortbread!

They're not making it any longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gjri8/bad_news_about_shortbread/
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Dead Again

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gjq49/dead_again/
%
A church father looks at a kid...

.. He sees the kid playing with a bunch of kittens. He goes over and asks him what he was doing.. Promptly the kid replies, "I'm playing with Christian kittens.." feeling proud of how the kid is turning out struts away.
A week later he sees the same kid and wants to share the happiness with his congregation about how good this youth is turning out to be. He calls on kid during prayer and asks him to describe what he was doing with them kittens in front of the congregation.., the kid says "I am playing with atheist kittens.." with a smug smile. The father asks why did he say atheist kittens instead of Christian kittens like he did last week..
The kid says, "the kittens have opened their eyes.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gjndu/a_church_father_looks_at_a_kid/
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A priest decided to check on a member of his church one Friday night...

.....but arrived to find a party in full swing.
On entering the house, he saw a circle of naked men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their genitals in an attempt to guess their identity.
The embarrassed priest turned to the host and said, "I'm sorry, I don't think I'd fit in here right now."
"Nonsense," said the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gjld0/a_priest_decided_to_check_on_a_member_of_his/
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It's crazy how everyone sleeps differently.

I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps with everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gjkc8/its_crazy_how_everyone_sleeps_differently/
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What do you call an animal rights' activist that never grows old?

PETA Pan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gjhpc/what_do_you_call_an_animal_rights_activist_that/
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A Muslim boy moves to Ireland...

... On his first day of school his teacher asks, "What is your name?"
"My name is Mohammed" the boy replies.
"You live in Ireland now, Your new name is Mike" says the teacher.
The boy smiles and has a good time in his classes.
After school the boy returns home and is greeted by his mother.
"How was your first day at school, Mohammed?" his mother asks.
"I live in Ireland now, my new name is Mike!" The boy replies.
His mother becomes infuriated, "Have you forgotten where you came from? Your heritage? You have disgraced your ancestors!"
and his mother beat him and when his father comes home from work he does the same.
The next day the boy returns to school and his teacher sees his fresh bruises.
"Mike! What happened?" asked the teacher.
The boy replies with a grimace "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman I was jumped by two fucking Arabs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gjfka/a_muslim_boy_moves_to_ireland/
%
Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Cause she's a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gjbv3/why_cant_helen_keller_drive/
%
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gjbef/i_went_to_the_doctors_the_other_day_and_i_said/
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What did the shoe say about the customer who didn't like that it had yellow shoestring?

That's lacist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gj9r4/what_did_the_shoe_say_about_the_customer_who/
%
Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gj9iy/why_do_farts_smell/
%
Why is Barbie not pregnant?

Because Ken came in a different box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gj7n2/why_is_barbie_not_pregnant/
%
What is it called when a person pretends to use the toilet.

A sham poo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gj558/what_is_it_called_when_a_person_pretends_to_use/
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Life is like a box of chocolates...

It ends quicker for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4giz1g/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Marriage is like a fire.

If you put the logs too close together the fire grows too hot and burns out quickly. If you put the logs too far apart the fire goes cold. The trick is having the logs just the right distance apart.
And every once in a while you have to use your poker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4givt2/marriage_is_like_a_fire/
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What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?

Harry gets to take the train back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4girqg/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_the/
%
What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?

A lick-her cabinet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gir6n/what_do_you_call_a_pantry_full_of_lesbians/
%
Money can't buy happiness...

Poverty can't buy *Anything*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gipxd/money_cant_buy_happiness/
%
My girlfriend asked me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

And I answered: "Of course! I'd miss you, but I still love you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gilye/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_you_won_the_lottery/
%
[Dirty] A woman was jogging down the beach.

A woman was jogging down the beach as she spots this man alone heavily crying.
She stops and asks the man "What's wrong?"
The man sobs "Well to start off, I've lived my whole life without arms or legs and my doctor told me I only have a few months left to live."
She replies "I'm very sorry to hear that" as she notices he really doesn't have any arms or legs, "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"
The man states "Well there is one thing, I've never had a real kiss from a woman."
So the woman leans over to kiss the man and he stops crying. They chat for a few minutes until the man starts crying again.
The woman then asks him "What's wrong now?"
"Well I also haven't been fucked in my life," the man replies.
So the woman jogs to the dock while carrying the man on her back.
The woman then throws him off the edge of the dock screaming "WELL YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4giljo/dirty_a_woman_was_jogging_down_the_beach/
%
Three vampires walk into a bar...

The first two order a pint of blood each, the third asks for a jug of boiling water, confused the barman asks "why?". The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gii5n/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."
She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That showed to me that he was rough when making love, and I don't like that."
She paused for a second to recollect her thoughts and then continued, "and the date before spent ten minutes poking around trying to find the lock, and that showed to me that he had no experience, and I don't like that either."
She then fixed her eyes onto the man and asked, "So how do you open the door?"
"Well," the man replied, "first I *lick the lock*!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gih1z/a_young_couple_finish_their_first_date/
%
Many years ago during my married days...

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gia3f/many_years_ago_during_my_married_days/
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Dishes

Wanting a more adventurous life, Frank decides to buy a Harley Davidson. So he goes to a local Harley dealer to have him informed about the different types.
When he get's to the dealer he immediately spots a beautiful Fat Boy with everything he could ever hoped for, beautiful chrome tailpipes, chrome headlights, leather bags and a phenomenal leather saddle.
The salesman immediately spots Frank as an easy 'sale' and starts talking about the advantages of the motorcycle and paints a wonderful picture for him, 'Imagine yourself driving around the mountains, nobody in sight, feeling free'.
Frank is blown away and buys the bike. The salesman gives him a jar of Vaseline and says, whenever it starts to rain, you should put the Vaseline on the saddle, otherwise the leather will dry out and will start to crackle.
Frank decides he wants to take his new bike for a spin and starts driving into the mountains. After he while he finds out he's out of gas, but nowhere in sight there's a petrol station and to make things even worse, he's hungry as hell.
Fortunately he spots a cute little cabin and decides to push his bike to the cabin and ask for food and gas.
Having arrived at the cabin, Frank finds a friendly family and they invite him for dinner. However the father tells him about two important rules, guests always do the dishes, nobody can talk during dinner, when someone talks they have to do the dishes instead.
The mother of the family presents a wonderful meal, but Frank being worried about doing the dishes takes a quick look into the kitchen and finds dirty dishes up to the ceiling! "They haven't done dishes in weeks", he thinks, "I have to find a way to get them to talks, so I don't have to do it..."
So he decides to drop his glass of water, the family looks, but no one reacts. He decides to take it up a notch and throws his entire plate with food on the ground, again no reaction...
This is bad, Frank thinks, and decides to just throw everything of the table. The family picks up the food and their silverware and continues to eat...
Drastic times call for drastic measures Frank thinks and spots the 18 year old daughter. He takes the daughter and starts fucking her there right on the table... The father looks upset, but doesn't speak a word...
Still sweating from doing the daughter, he decides to fuck the wife as well, he takes her in every possible position known to men, but nobody says a word...
Then Frank looks outside and sees that it starts to rain, so he gets the Vaseline out of his jacket for his saddle.
"Alright alright alright", the father screams in panic, "I'll do the dishes then".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gi8ps/dishes/
%
What did a pirate say to fellow pirate?

Are you seeding?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gi8iu/what_did_a_pirate_say_to_fellow_pirate/
%
Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies at the OB/GYN waiting room.

The first one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I'm taking a folate pill."
The second one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have healthy blood, so I'm taking an iron pill."
The third one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "This is thalidomide."
The other two women look in horror. "WHY?!"
The third one calmly replies, "I can't knit sleeves for shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gi39d/three_pregnant_women_are_knitting_sweaters_for/
%
At the bus stop

"Wow, the boy over there is ugly."
-
"That's my Son!"
-
"Oh sorry, I did not know that you are the father"
-
**"I am his mother!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gi205/at_the_bus_stop/
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What was the favorite chicken dish of Hitler?

The SwasTikka

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gi1y7/what_was_the_favorite_chicken_dish_of_hitler/
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My fave pickup line as a gay man...

Hey, are you a vital organ? Because I don't think I can live without you inside of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ghzas/my_fave_pickup_line_as_a_gay_man/
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Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?

Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ghxrs/why_wont_michigan_governor_rick_snyder_take_any/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ghw24/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
whatever you do

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ghrmk/whatever_you_do/
%
To whoever stole my thesaurus...

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ghjyw/to_whoever_stole_my_thesaurus/
%
So, so very handsome

If sex between three people is a threesome.
And sex between two people is a twosome.
Then...I guess I know why everybody calls me handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ghjhm/so_so_very_handsome/
%
A teacher walks into a class with a bag full of fruit

The teacher then says, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red." Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ghiha/a_teacher_walks_into_a_class_with_a_bag_full_of/
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Wants to feel like a woman one last time before her plane crashes...

One day, there was a reasonably attractive woman on board an airliner that just so happened to be crashing.
As her plane plummets to certain destruction, she can't help her need to feel like a woman one last time.
"Are there any men on the plane that want to make me feel like a real woman one last time!?!?!?", she hollered.
A man a few rows behind her hastily got out of his seat as much as he could to take his shirt off and blurted;
"HERE, IRON THIS!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ghicl/wants_to_feel_like_a_woman_one_last_time_before/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's not enough to change the bulb; we have to change the *system*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ghad4/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gh93o/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
An Old Man is Being Audited by the IRS

He meets the IRS agent one afternoon, bringing along his attorney.  The attorney is astounded by the fact that old man lives such an extravagant lifestyle but has no real steady income. The old man says he affords all his luxuries because he is such a good gambler.
"Sir, I have a hard time believing you are THAT good of a gambler that you can live so well off your winnings," says the agent.
"Well, sir, would you like a demonstration?" says the old man.
The agent agrees to gamble with the old man, so they proceed to start off with a "small" wager.
"I bet you a thousand dollars I can bite my own eye," says the old man.
The agent is perplexed, but he can't fathom how someone could bite their own eye, so he agrees to the first wager. The old man proceeds to take out his glass eye and bite on it, winning the first bet.  The agent is shocked, and he's upset that he just lost a grand to some crafty old cook.
"Double or nothing I can bite the other eye!" exclaims the old man.
Seeing as the old man isn't blind, the agent agrees: there's no way he could pull the same trick, and he has to recover his losses somehow.  The old man then proceeds to take out his dentures and bite his eye with them, shocking the tax man.  The agent becomes distraught that he has now lost two thousand dollars right in front of this man's attorney; he starts to panic.
"Tell you what, I'll go double or nothing again," says the old man, "because I bet I can piss in that trash can across the room all the way from your desk and not let a drop hit the floor!"
Now the agent is truly confused.  The old man is in his seventies, and the trash bin is at least twenty feet from his desk. The bet looks like a sure thing, and it's not like the agent has a choice since he needs to get his money back.  For one last time, the agent agrees to take the old man's bet.
The old man, with great enthusiasm, climbs onto the agent's desk, whips put his dick, and just starts pissing all over the agent's papers, pens, phone, and whatever else was on his desk.
The agent is overjoyed, and he starts cheering and screaming as the old man starts laughing hysterically while zipping up his pants.  However, the agent notices the man's attorney is in shock and starting to cry, so he asks him what's wrong.
"You see, sir, I'm not just this man's lawyer," says the attorney, "I'm also his nephew.  And before we came in here today, this old fucker bet me fifty grand that he could piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gh85a/an_old_man_is_being_audited_by_the_irs/
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My Grandfather Says I should not be so Dependent upon technology...

...Yet he is the one hooked to life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gh84g/my_grandfather_says_i_should_not_be_so_dependent/
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My great Grandpa Randy was a brick layer...

He said, "I was a brick layer for 20 years and no one called me 'Randy the brick layer.'
Then I farmed for 25 year and no one called me 'Randy the farmer.'
But you fuck just one goat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gh7q0/my_great_grandpa_randy_was_a_brick_layer/
%
What's infinity minus one?

A sideways seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gh798/whats_infinity_minus_one/
%
What was the musician doing when he was struck by lightning?

He was conducting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gh6t6/what_was_the_musician_doing_when_he_was_struck_by/
%
A scientist walks into a bar

and seems depressed.
The bartender asks "What's the matter?"
The scientist replies "Everything is matter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gh4j2/a_scientist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why don't astronauts take anything seriously?

They don't grasp the gravity of the situation...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gh01l/why_dont_astronauts_take_anything_seriously/
%
Do you know why I don't like simple chord progressions?

They give me the EBGBs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ggzmg/do_you_know_why_i_dont_like_simple_chord/
%
What do you call a Mexican who has had his car stolen?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ggo8a/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_has_had_his_car/
%
Rescue attempts are being made to save a bull stranded on Mt. Everest

Reports confirm that the steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ggnti/rescue_attempts_are_being_made_to_save_a_bull/
%
A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ggkkf/a_women_goes_to_the_doctor_all_black_and_blue/
%
Why is the moon so dark?

Because the sun beat the daylights out of it. :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ggfsr/why_is_the_moon_so_dark/
%
An elderly couple goes for their annual medical examination...

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that old Man!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ggeiv/an_elderly_couple_goes_for_their_annual_medical/
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Fries

Bobby was a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females.
He hired a French guy who didn`t speak much English, but was a very good worker.
After the first day, Bobby and the French guy had successfully castrated 14 sheep.
When this French worker was just about to throw away the cut off giblets, Bobby yelled, "No! Don`t throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them `sheep fries`."
Later that day, the French worker came in for supper and indeed, the `sheep fries` were tasty.
The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the next evening they all settled down to another supper of `sheep fries`.
On the third day they castrated only 4 sheep and when Bobby came home, he asked his wife where the French worker was.
She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren`t very many `sheep fries` this evening, we were also going to have French fries.
He just screamed and ran like hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gge69/fries/
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What's worse than ten babies in one trash can?

One baby in ten trash cans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ggdh0/whats_worse_than_ten_babies_in_one_trash_can/
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A penguin was driving through town

and started hear a knock in the engine so he pulled into an auto shop to get it checked out. While the mechanics were busy under the hood the penguin spotted a Dairy Queen across the street. He waddled over and got himself a soft serve ice cream cone, enjoying the cone very much. He waddled back to the auto shop and the mechanic said grimly “It looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin was shocked “No,” he said “It's just ice cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ggcdi/a_penguin_was_driving_through_town/
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A man walks into a library..

..., leans in close to the librarian, and asks quietly "do you guys have the newly released book about how to deal with a small penis?"
The librarian replies "I don't know if it's in yet.."
The man nods his head and says "yeah, that's the one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ggbrx/a_man_walks_into_a_library/
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I like to hold hands at the movies.

Which always seems to startle strangers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gg8l9/i_like_to_hold_hands_at_the_movies/
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Dirty One Liner

Girl: "Hey, what's up?"
Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gg7tm/dirty_one_liner/
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A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck between his legs.

Bartender: What's with the steering wheel?
Pirate: Arr, it's drivin' me nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gg3d8/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary Clinton after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gg1xf/what_does_bill_clinton_say_to_hillary_clinton/
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A rather bad man dies and meets Satan...

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gfxu5/a_rather_bad_man_dies_and_meets_satan/
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A Spanish magician says he can make himself disappear on the count of 3

Uno, dos... Suddenly the magician disappears without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gfx6k/a_spanish_magician_says_he_can_make_himself/
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Three hard-of-hearing friends are sitting together on a bench.

One says "Wow, it sure is windy."
Another corrects, "No, it's Thursday."
The last one says "So am I, let's go inside and drink some tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gfvu4/three_hardofhearing_friends_are_sitting_together/
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The frightened taxi driver

Last week a passenger in a taxi heading for the Boston airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was quiet in the cab.
Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry,  but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, " I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly"
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault."
"Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gfuet/the_frightened_taxi_driver/
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A law student walks into a bar...

He says, "Shit I should've prepared for this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gft8l/a_law_student_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three old men

are golfing. One of them complains,
"Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper"
His buddy one chimes in:
"Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger"
The third old man patiently listening finally says,
"Oh quit whining you two, at least we're on the right side of the grass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gfrvt/three_old_men/
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What did the parrot say when he didn't have his lunch?

Poly-no-meal
Sorry for the nerdy math joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gfq9o/what_did_the_parrot_say_when_he_didnt_have_his/
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Not quite the same as turning water into wine but . . .

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gfq8u/not_quite_the_same_as_turning_water_into_wine_but/
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The Pun Competition

A man enters a pun competition in his local newspaper. They will accept more than one entry if sent in separately, so the man writes out 10 puns and mails them off. A week later he opens the newspaper to see if any of his puns won. Unfortunately *no pun in ten did*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gfnre/the_pun_competition/
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I went through three magazines on a train yesterday.

I'd killed a dozen people by the time they wrestled the gun off me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gflri/i_went_through_three_magazines_on_a_train/
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I recently bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer...

I dunno what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gfiwt/i_recently_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a_drug/
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The Bad News...

A man goes to the clinic for an examination.  After a thorough check up, the doctor tells him, "I have some good news and some bad news."  Curious, the man asks what the good news is, and the doctor replies, "the good news is: we're naming a new disease after you..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gfi1h/the_bad_news/
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NSFW A couple has been married for 20 years..

Every time they had sex the husband said he wanted the lights off.
The wife; however, was getting bored of the same routine every time, so that night when they were bumpkin' uglies, the wife turned on the light and was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildo in his hand.
The wife, very confused at this point, shouted at her husband asking him why he was using a dildo, to which he replied,
"I'll explain the dildo; you explain our three kids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gfhb1/nsfw_a_couple_has_been_married_for_20_years/
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A woman wanted to give a special gift for her husbands birthday and goes to the tattooshop..

So she comes in the shop and tells the tattoo guy her husband is a huge fan of Brigitte Bardot(The French model). She wants to tattoo something of Brigitte Bardot on her body. The tattoo guy suggest he will tattoo two big B's, her initials, on her butt cheeks.
She agrees and puts two big B's on her buttcheeks.
When her husband comes home, she takes him to the bedroom and whispers: "I've got a little suprise, close your eyes and open them when I tell so".
So she takes off all her clothes, gets on the bed and positions herself in doggy-style position, pointing her ass at him.
Then she says: "You can open your eyes, honey".
He opens them and says: "Who the fuck is BoB and why did you tattoo his name?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gfgh5/a_woman_wanted_to_give_a_special_gift_for_her/
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An infitite number of mathmeticians walk into a bar...

The first asks for a pint of beer. The second, half a pint, the third an quarter and so on. The barman pours 2 pints of beer and says "know your limits".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gfg1f/an_infitite_number_of_mathmeticians_walk_into_a/
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A koala, a bear and a panda owned tea shops...

But which one was the best?
The Koala's, as it was the most Koala-Tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gf9cm/a_koala_a_bear_and_a_panda_owned_tea_shops/
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The Seven Dwarfs visit the Vatican to have an audience with the Pope.

The audience is going really well but Dopey keeps pulling on Doc's sleeve. Doc says, "Okay, okay I'll ask him!" He turns to the Pope and says,
"Your eminence, Dopey would like to know if there are any nuns who are dwarfs?"
Well the Pope thinks about it, and he consults with his arch bishop, and after a couple quick phone calls and whispered conversations, the Pope turns and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid there are no nuns who are dwarfs anywhere in Rome."
At this Grumpy smacks Dopey upside the head and says, "See? I told you that you fucked a penguin!"
This joke is in honor of World Penguin Day and my girlfriend's dad who told me this joke and died later that week. I swear to God these were the last words he ever spoke to me. A fantastic, funny amazing human being.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gf8oe/the_seven_dwarfs_visit_the_vatican_to_have_an/
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What would the world be like without women?

It would be a real pain in the ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gf7g6/what_would_the_world_be_like_without_women/
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An Irishman applies for a job at his local stables...

After being shown around the yard the Irishman was asked if he has ever shoed a horse before, After a long pause...
He replies "I've haven't, but I once told a donkey to fuck off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gf10f/an_irishman_applies_for_a_job_at_his_local_stables/
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What was Hitler favorite TV show?

The Amazing Race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gez0g/what_was_hitler_favorite_tv_show/
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A man saw a lady with big breasts.

He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000 ?". She agreed, so they went to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, " Aren't you gonna bite them?". He replies, "No, it's too expensive!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4geydw/a_man_saw_a_lady_with_big_breasts/
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Cucumbers are 95% water, Jesus can walk on water...

I can walk on cucumbers so I am 95% Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gexlq/cucumbers_are_95_water_jesus_can_walk_on_water/
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Who has better friends?

A husband and wife are having a friendly debate one night, centered on the topic of who has better friends. They each offer a wide variety of anecdotes and stories, but in the end, they decide to put it to the test.
"Here's what we'll do," the wife suggests. "I'll call your friends, and you call mine. We'll both pretend that the other person hasn't come home yet, and that we're worried. Whoever's friends give the best advice about where to find us clearly know us better, and therefore *are* better."
The husband agrees to the game, and they both head off into separate rooms. When they reconvene a half an hour later, the husband looks defeated.
"Okay, honey," he says, "I think it's pretty clear that you have better friends. Every one of them listed each of your favorite restaurants, salons, shops, and art galleries, and they had phone numbers for each of them. They knew your work hours by heart, your office extension, your boss's name, and even the route that you take home."
The wife shakes her head. "No, dear," she replies, "*you* have better friends."
"Why do you say that?" asks the husband.
"Well," the wife replies, "most of them said that you'd been at their place, and three of them said that you were still there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gexhy/who_has_better_friends/
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The farm family with the skinny cow

There's a small family living in a rural farm; a farmer, his wife, and their three sons. They don't have very much money, but they have a scrawny little dairy cow that gets them through the hard times.
One day the farmer goes out to milk the cow, but when he gets to the barn, he finds the cow facedown and dead. He knows right then that it's all over, and he grabs the shotgun off the wall and shoots himself in the head.
His wife hears the gunshot and runs out to see what's happened. She finds the cow and her husband dead and she gives up on life. She grabs the shotgun and shoots herself in the head as well.
The eldest son comes home from work and finds his parents dead. He goes to use the shotgun, but it's out of ammo. Instead, he runs to the ocean to drown himself. But before he can do that, a mermaid comes out of the water.
"Wait!" The mermaid shouts. "I know what happened to you and your family, and it's terrible! But I can make it all better! I have magic, but it's based on sex! If you can make love to me fifteen times in a row without stopping, I can bring back your mother, your father, and the cow. But if you fail, it will kill you."
He isn't sure he can do it, but he decides to try. He makes it five times before he gives out and he just can't do it. He can't go on anymore, and he dies.
The next oldest brother gets home and finds the corpses. He too tries to use the shotgun, finds its out of ammo, and runs to the ocean. The mermaid pops up and makes him the same deal-- but this time, it's 20 times, to save his brother too. He does his best, but he only makes it three times before he can't go on anymore. He, too dies from the magic.
The third brother gets home, and he finds his parents and the cow in the barn and his brothers by the ocean. The mermaid pops up and says, "wait, wait, wait! I know it's a long shot, but I can grant you your wish if you can just make love to me 25 times in a row without stopping!"
The third brother says, "I dunno if that's a good idea. I mean, look at what I did to the cow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ges54/the_farm_family_with_the_skinny_cow/
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A girl asked me if I wanted to join her in yoga at 6 am

I told her, "namaste in bed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ger66/a_girl_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_join_her_in_yoga/
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I hate when a girl says the wrong name during sex

They know my name isnt Someone Help

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4geq6n/i_hate_when_a_girl_says_the_wrong_name_during_sex/
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A priest giving confessional really has to take a piss...

... so he grabs the janitor and drags him into the confessional booth. "Can you fill in for me for a minute?"
"What?"
"Just listen to people, give them 10 hail Mary's, and send them on their way, it's easy," says the priest, and he runs to the bathroom.
A woman comes in on the other side of the curtain. "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have committed countless sins of the flesh, I love sucking cock."
The janitor says, "well, just, uhm, say ten hail Mary's and you shall be forgiven."
"No father, you don't understand! I live for sucking cock, I give out multiple blowjobs to strangers every day, I need more than just hail Mary's!"
Confused, the janitor leans out of the booth, stops a passing altar boy, and whispers, "Hey, what does father O'Mally usually give out for blowjobs?"
The boy says, "Two Snickers bars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4geo3i/a_priest_giving_confessional_really_has_to_take_a/
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I Messed up a Customer's Sandwich Order Today...

Oh shit, nevermind, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4geik7/i_messed_up_a_customers_sandwich_order_today/
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I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia

and she whispered "They're behind you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gei9l/i_asked_the_librarian_if_they_had_any_books_on/
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What do anal and spinach have in common?

Well, if you hated it as a kid, you're probably not gonna like it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4geh0k/what_do_anal_and_spinach_have_in_common/
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A man walks into a pet store and asks for a polar bear ...

... surprisingly the store has one for sale. But the assistant warns the man:
"Do never, under any circumstances, tickle the bear behind the ears."
Of course, the man buys the bear and cheerfully takes it home. After a while he can't help the urge any more and tickles the bear behind the ears.
With a wild roar the polar bear lunges at the man, who runs away in great fear. The bear chases him through the whole house, down the stairs, into the kitchen and around the table, where he finally catches up to the man, pats him on the back and says: "Tag, you're it!"
[read in a German children's educational book and translated for you, /r/jokes]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4geflg/a_man_walks_into_a_pet_store_and_asks_for_a_polar/
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What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

The prostitute can wash their crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gedfq/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
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An 80 year old man is crying on a park bench...

A young man passing by decides to help:
"What's wrong?" said the young man.
"Well... it's just that I... I'm in love with a 22 year old." said the old man.
"I see, and she doesn't correspond?" said the young man.
"Actually, we are married. The problem is that every day after I wake up in the morning, we have wild sex. Then she leaves for work" the old man said.
"That's not bad," the young man said.
"Well, when she gets home, she makes my meal and gives me a blow job. After we eat, we have more wild sex." the old man said.
"If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?" the young man said.
"The problem is I forgot where I Fucking live!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gea9m/an_80_year_old_man_is_crying_on_a_park_bench/
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How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They prefer to be left in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gea52/how_many_hillary_clinton_supporters_does_it_take/
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Remember kids, dark humour is like food...

Not everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ge9aw/remember_kids_dark_humour_is_like_food/
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What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ge8b6/what_do_pink_floyd_and_dale_earnhardt_have_in/
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ge76q/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eyes/
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A man using apple maps walks into a bar..

..or maybe it was a church or a grocery store or something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ge5eh/a_man_using_apple_maps_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two gay deer walk out of a gay deer bar...

Two gay deer walk out of a gay deer bar. One says to the other, "I had a great time in there, you?" The other deer responds, "Yeah, but I blew about 20 bucks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ge24j/two_gay_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_deer_bar/
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Why should you not trust atoms?

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ge0u7/why_should_you_not_trust_atoms/
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How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach?

Its not that hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gdzze/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_guy_at_a_nude_beach/
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The early bird gets the worm

but the second mouse gets the cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gdwdg/the_early_bird_gets_the_worm/
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TIL ~10,000 people quit smoking every year

By dying.
I'll ^show ^^myself ^^^out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gdunk/til_10000_people_quit_smoking_every_year/
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I Told my Friend She Drew Her Eyebrows on too High

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gdudi/i_told_my_friend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_on_too_high/
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Why Is Porn the Most Feminist Thing Ever?

Because of it, I'd never dream of bothering a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gds60/why_is_porn_the_most_feminist_thing_ever/
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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gdols/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/
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5 men and 1 woman on a deserted island

Five men and one woman strand on a deserted island after their cruise ship sank. They are the only survivors. They find shelter and enough food and water to sustain them. So now they discuss the matter of sex. They all agree that each man gets his different day of the week to have sex with the woman. And in the weekends the woman is free to choose any or no man.
Now everything is going fine. But after 3 weeks the woman gets ill and eventually dies. The first week, the men are doing fine. The second week, it gets harder. But the third week, it becomes unbearable. That’s when they decided to bury the woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gdo89/5_men_and_1_woman_on_a_deserted_island/
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Muslims were the ones that invented the condom.

Muslim's were the ones that invented the condom. This was well before plastics so they used goat intestines. Then the British came along and stole the idea from the Muslims and improved it by removing the intestines from the goat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gdn6t/muslims_were_the_ones_that_invented_the_condom/
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So a redhead, brunette, and blonde walk into a bar...

This bar has a magic mirror that consumes anyone who lies
The redhead comes in and says "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world" and she gets sucked in
The brunette comes in and says "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world" and she gets sucked in
The blonde comes in and says "I think-" and she gets sucked in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gdmjy/so_a_redhead_brunette_and_blonde_walk_into_a_bar/
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I've been studying the thesaurus lately...

because the mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gdmbt/ive_been_studying_the_thesaurus_lately/
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Hillary Clinton was being driven in a private limo to a rally...

... when suddenly, the car hit a large and old-looking cow.
The driver got out and checked to see if it was dead. After confirming the death, he saw the tag on it that said it belonged to a nearby farm. He told Hillary Clinton that he would be going over to the farm to tell the farmers what happened.
About an hour later, he returned. His clothes were messed up, he was covered in lipstick, he had an expensive cigar in his mouth, and in both hands were two full bottles of the most expensive champagne ever.
"What happened?", Hillary asked.
"When I went to the farm, they eagerly invited me in. Then, the husband gave me this cigar, the wife gave me the wine, and their two daughters gave me the best sex of my life!", the driver said with a huge smile on his face.
"What did you say to them?", Hillary asked.
"I said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I just killed the old cow', and the rest happened so quickly I couldn't do anything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gdklm/hillary_clinton_was_being_driven_in_a_private/
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I'm trying to get my wife to quit smoking.

Maybe I should slow down and use a lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gdit3/im_trying_to_get_my_wife_to_quit_smoking/
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What do you call a chicken surrounded by men?

A buk-buk-BUKKAKE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gdh06/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_surrounded_by_men/
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I went to a zoo yesterday that just had one dog in it.

It was a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gddcn/i_went_to_a_zoo_yesterday_that_just_had_one_dog/
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gd7i0/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_off_of_the_boat/
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Tax.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100...
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The seventh would pay £7.
The eighth would pay £12.
The ninth would pay £18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.
"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by £20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just £80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.
So the first four men were unaffected.
They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men?
The paying customers?
How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realised that £20 divided by six is £3.33. But if they
subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid £2 instead of £3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid £5 instead of £7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid £9 instead of £12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid £14 instead of £18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid £49 instead of £59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
"I only got a pound out of the £20 saving," declared the sixth man.
He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got £10!"
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a pound too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"
"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get £10 back, when I got only £2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.
The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction.
Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gd6y6/tax/
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An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.
The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.
"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.
Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
"Is that what they call it now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gd4h8/an_irish_lumberjack/
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squirrel making love

A squirrel was making love with a nut.
another one passing by is shocked: are you fucking crazy?
the first one: no stupid, I'm fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gd2rx/squirrel_making_love/
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A deranged man was tossing a brick off of the interstate overpass

He had the brick tied to a rope which he was using to toss at cars, then reel back in, to toss at more cars.
Police surrounded him, telling him to drop the brick. As they started moving in, he tossed the brick again, aiming right at a semi.
The brick crashed through the windshield,  causing it to get stuck in the semi. The brick thrower, with the rope wrapped around his arm, couldn't let go in time. The semi pulled the rope as it was going under the overpass, ripping the guys arm off.
The trucker was arrested three miles down the road,
for armed robbery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gd2i8/a_deranged_man_was_tossing_a_brick_off_of_the/
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The priest and half a lemon

There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath. After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
\- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
\- Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
\- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger's hand and immediately he asked:
\- Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn't in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn't even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
\- Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon.
\- Don't mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! - by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn't follow because he couldn't swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km's away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man:
\- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger:
\- Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? - the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn't care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard.
\- Priest, please be good... - the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked:
\- Son, why do you need it for God's sake? - the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village's locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time.
\- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
\- There you go, son - handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger's arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked:
\- But what do you need it for?! - panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest's hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest's face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest's fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked:
\- Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I'm very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it?
\- All right, priest ... - came the answer in a trembling tone - I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone.
The priest was good, and never told anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gd075/the_priest_and_half_a_lemon/
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A man takes his dog to the vet...

The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. "Sir," he says, "your dog is healthy but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."
"Why?" the man demanded.
The vet replied, "Because he's heavy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gd00w/a_man_takes_his_dog_to_the_vet/
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Cat with mental disorder

The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.
She now have 45 lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gcwnb/cat_with_mental_disorder/
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Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator.

She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gcw89/princes_housekeeper_of_30_years_was_offered_a_job/
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How do you know if a wizards gay?

It disappears with a poof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gctwi/how_do_you_know_if_a_wizards_gay/
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Some chump in an orange apron in B&Q just asked me if I wanted decking...

Fortunately I got the first punch in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gcsb4/some_chump_in_an_orange_apron_in_bq_just_asked_me/
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What's been in the works for 7000 days and has barely made any progress?

Me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gcrke/whats_been_in_the_works_for_7000_days_and_has/
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How does a woman take care of her asshole?

She packs him a lunch and sends him to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gcpzo/how_does_a_woman_take_care_of_her_asshole/
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What has 100 legs but can't walk?

50 pairs of pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gcoe3/what_has_100_legs_but_cant_walk/
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Did you hear about the gay midget?

he just came out of the cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gco3n/did_you_hear_about_the_gay_midget/
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Money-minded Cabbie!!

A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers' Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you -- I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver, and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gchgf/moneyminded_cabbie/
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A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.....

"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gcd7m/a_skeptic_goes_in_to_see_a_fortune_teller/
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TIL: Diarrhea is hereditary...

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gccb9/til_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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What's the difference between an inaccurate hunter and a constipated owl?

One's a shooter that can't hit, the other is a hooter who can't shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gcb1e/whats_the_difference_between_an_inaccurate_hunter/
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The Last Wish

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gc9a9/the_last_wish/
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gc92n/an_old_blind_cowboy_wanders_into_a_bar/
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A boy wakes up on his birthday...

He runs to his dad and yells, "Dad, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am!" Playing along, the boy's father asks,"How old are you?" The boys yells, "I'm 11!" He then runs out of the room.
Next, the boy runs to his grandma and yells,"Grandma, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am!" Grandma calmly says, "Come here." And the boy slowly approached.
The grandma takes her old, frail, white hand and sticks it in the boys underpants. After a few minutes of reaching and fondling, Grandma says, "You're 11."
The boy says, "Wow, how did you know?". Grandma responds, "I heard you tell your father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gc68o/a_boy_wakes_up_on_his_birthday/
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I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary...

...What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gc5kb/i_just_found_the_worst_page_in_the_entire/
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Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They push two twins together to make a king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gbyfq/why_do_the_lannisters_have_such_big_beds/
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A hunter gets a new scope

Bob gets a new scope for his rifle and goes out to test it with his buddy Jim.
"I can see for miles with this thing," Bob says, looking around the forest for something to shoot. He stops and focuses on something.
"You see that Jim? It's your wife. She's screwing around on you."
"I had a feeling she was," says Jim. "Why don't you test out that new scope, shoot her in the head and him in the dick."
"No problem," says Bob. "I can do that with one shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gbwo1/a_hunter_gets_a_new_scope/
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I like my women like i like my coffee...

Bitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gbvpq/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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How do you find out if the cat is dead or alive in the Schrodinger's cat paradox?

By thinking outside the box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gbspo/how_do_you_find_out_if_the_cat_is_dead_or_alive/
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Why wasn't Kanye allowed to have a prostitute at his bachelor party?

Because you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gbqve/why_wasnt_kanye_allowed_to_have_a_prostitute_at/
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My workplace scheduled Sexual Harassment Training.

Needless to say, I was greatly disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gboae/my_workplace_scheduled_sexual_harassment_training/
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A Man Walks Into A Bar... With a horse?

A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gbl6d/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_horse/
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What do you call a Middle Eastern sorceress?

A sandwitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gbk6b/what_do_you_call_a_middle_eastern_sorceress/
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I want to die like my Grandpa: peacefully in my sleep.

Not screaming like everyone else in the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gbic1/i_want_to_die_like_my_grandpa_peacefully_in_my/
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Three mountain men argued who was the most bad ass.

The first mountain man said, herds of  buffalo won't come with in 100 miles of me.
The second one said, that ain't shit. Whole tribes of Indians won't come within 200 miles of me..
The third man didn't say anything, just kept stirring the fire with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gbdna/three_mountain_men_argued_who_was_the_most_bad_ass/
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I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping ever since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gbd82/i_recently_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gbco4/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_in_suspense/
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An arsonist is hired to burn down a slaughterhouse...

The job was well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gbblr/an_arsonist_is_hired_to_burn_down_a_slaughterhouse/
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A suicide bomber goes to heaven to receive his 72 virgins...

But all he sees are other men just like himself.
Confused, he asks one of them where his virgins are.
The man replies, "Brother, we are all virgins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gb9ju/a_suicide_bomber_goes_to_heaven_to_receive_his_72/
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What did one giant squid say to the other giant squid?

What's Kraken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gb8rl/what_did_one_giant_squid_say_to_the_other_giant/
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A woman was accused of attacking her husband

with several guitars. When she got in front of the judge he asked, "first offender?"
She replied, "No. First a Gibson, second a Fender."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gb7z7/a_woman_was_accused_of_attacking_her_husband/
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Why hasn’t Kim Kardashian seen her asshole lately?

He’s on tour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gb5xq/why_hasnt_kim_kardashian_seen_her_asshole_lately/
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A man escapes from prison

where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. *I love you too!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gb5n7/a_man_escapes_from_prison/
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What's the difference between a strip club and a circus?

A circus is full of cunning stunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gb5b4/whats_the_difference_between_a_strip_club_and_a/
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A girl called me up, she said "come over there's nobody home"

So I went over, but there was nobody home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gb51b/a_girl_called_me_up_she_said_come_over_theres/
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I wish my girlfriend was like my internet

My internet goes down once a week for at least two hours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gb30p/i_wish_my_girlfriend_was_like_my_internet/
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How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gb1ot/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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It’s funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on her back, my ex sleeps with everybody. That sorta thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gb1j5/its_funny_how_we_all_sleep_differently/
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What did the Alabama Police officer call the black guy who had been shot 6 times in the head?

The worst case of suicide he ever saw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gazg4/what_did_the_alabama_police_officer_call_the/
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The Lesbian couple next door...

got me a Rolex for my birthday.
I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gayq5/the_lesbian_couple_next_door/
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What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Ba-Na-Na-Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gayn5/what_was_beethovens_favorite_fruit/
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Did you hear about the cactus that went to the party?

He spiked the drinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gawxd/did_you_hear_about_the_cactus_that_went_to_the/
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Two veteran comedians were at a Christmas party.

“What sort of a set-up is this anyway? There’s a line over there for bad food, another one for terrible champagne, which one are we in?”
“I think this is the shitty punch line.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gawc6/two_veteran_comedians_were_at_a_christmas_party/
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I shook hands with my Congressman yesterday...

I didn't mean to, I was just reaching for my wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gaw3z/i_shook_hands_with_my_congressman_yesterday/
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My mother's star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really.

She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4garot/my_mothers_star_sign_was_cancer_ironic_how_she/
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What's the difference between Jack Daniels and Davy Crockett?

Jack Daniels is still killing Natives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gaqv1/whats_the_difference_between_jack_daniels_and/
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A duck walks into a bar,

the bartender greets him and asks: "what can i get you?"
The duck replies, "A slice of white bread please"
The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't have any white bread, I can offer you a fine selection of wines and beers though. What can I get for you?"
The duck replies: "A slice of white bread please"
The bartender tries again " I'm really sorry, we don't have any white bread, is there anything else I can get you?"
The duck once again states: "A slice of white bread please"
The bartender is somewhat exasperated by this point, leans over the bar, looks the duck straight in the eye and says "Look, if you ask me for a slice of white bread one more time, I'm going to nail your fucking beak to this bar. So.. one more time.. what can I get you?"
The duck says: "Got any nails?"
The bartender, looking puzzled, says "erm... what? No we don't"
The Duck says "I'll have a slice of white bread please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gaquh/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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A bear and a rabbit

were sitting beside each other in the woods, taking a nice leisurely crap. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Hey, man. Can I ask you a personal question?" The rabbit says, "Um...sure. Go ahead." The bear says, "Do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "No, not really. Never been a problem for me." The bear says, "Cool," then picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gaqq2/a_bear_and_a_rabbit/
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Almost 65% of statistics are made up.

The other half are lies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gapgz/almost_65_of_statistics_are_made_up/
%
What do you call a Chinese man with a bad internet connection?

Hi Ping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gap2l/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_man_with_a_bad/
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An old widow was searching for love

...when she decided to move her search online. There, she found an old man about her age, who had also lost his spouse years earlier. They exchanged a few messages and decided to meet one day in a park. Upon meeting, they both realized that they were extremely compatible and started talking about taking their relationship further.
The old man said to her, however,
"I really like you and would like to see you on a regular basis, but I have one special request. You see, these days it's hard for me to jerk myself off with my arthritis, so if you are willing to give me handjobs now and then, I will shower you with all my affection."
The old lady thought for a little and soon agreed. So they found a secluded area in the park, the old man unzipped his pants, and she gave him a handjob.
Every Wednesday they would meet at the same secluded area in the park and she would give him a handjob. And in return he bought her nice gifts, was affectionate, and made her extremely happy. The relationship suited them both very well.
One Wednesday, the old lady went back to the park, but the old man was nowhere to be found. She was sad, but figured he had somewhere to be. But the next Wednesday he wasn't there either, and the week after that. She worried that something had happened to him, and she tried but could not get in touch with him. She became sad and depressed at having lost her newfound love.
One day, she went for a walk in the same park where she used to meet the old man, and as she was walking, she noticed an older couple in a secluded area of the park. As she got closer, she noticed, son of a bitch it was the old man! And some new woman was giving him a handjob! Furious, she ran up to them and confronted the old man.
"What's going on here?! I thought we had a great thing going!" she yelled to the old man.
"Well, we did have something really special, and you were very good to me. But this lady has something that you don't have."
"What? I was perfect for you! What could this woman possibly have that I don't?" she asked.
And he said, "Parkinson's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gaouo/an_old_widow_was_searching_for_love/
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There's this guy with a big orange head

Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."
So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'
The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!
"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.
"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gaoak/theres_this_guy_with_a_big_orange_head/
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Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gao6s/why_dont_cannibals_like_to_eat_clowns/
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Three Scientists

Three scientists, a German, an Iranian, and an American, go to the Amazon rainforest to study plants. They parachute into middle of the rainforest and almost immediately get caught by a tribe of rainforest cannibals. The cannibals take the scientists to their leader and he tells them," we're going to use your teeth to make necklaces for our women, your scalps for hats, and then we're going to use the rest of your skin to make canoes, buy you may choose your own death." The German asks for the gun in his bag and shoots himself. The Iranian says,"I have some rope in my bag, I'll hang myself." The American asks,"can I have a fork?" The Indians were confused, but they brought him a fork and the American started poking holes in himself EVERYWHERE. The Indians start to panic and ask,"what the hell a are you doing?????" And he shouts,"FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR CANOES"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gacyp/three_scientists/
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Two drunk guys

knock on the door of the local Nunnery.
Mother Superior comes out and one asks "Mother Superior, do you have any nuns that are midgets?"
She thinks and says "I know of no midget Nuns in the entire country."
The guy then says "Can we call the Vatican and ask if there are ANY midget nuns anywhere?"
Mother Superior agrees and they do.
The Vatican spokesman confirms - there are no midget nuns anywhere in the world.
The guy looks at his friend and says "See?! I told you that you were fucking a penguin..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gac70/two_drunk_guys/
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I'm writing a musical about puns.

It's a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gaamu/im_writing_a_musical_about_puns/
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Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court

Mickey has just finished explaining to the judge why he wants to divorce his partner of many years.  After hearing Mickey's story, the judge says, "Mr. Mouse, I understand it's difficult to deal with, but I don't think you should separate from your wife just because you think she's acting a little crazy. Most husbands believe their wives are kind of nutty."
"No, your honor, you don't understand" Mickey replies, "she's FUCKING Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ga902/mickey_and_minnie_mouse_are_in_divorce_court/
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What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common?

Both are measured in revolutions per minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ga7qt/what_do_south_american_governments_and_internal/
%
Why do blonds have schools underwater.

Because deep down, they're not so stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ga7lo/why_do_blonds_have_schools_underwater/
%
What's the difference between Jews and Boy Scouts?

Boy Scouts come back from their camps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ga6fj/whats_the_difference_between_jews_and_boy_scouts/
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Growing up in poverty, my mom was a lot like my anti-depressants...

Neither of them really worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ga3hj/growing_up_in_poverty_my_mom_was_a_lot_like_my/
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What'd the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ga34s/whatd_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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An albino child in an African tribe...

This puts the tribe's chief in a fury and immediatly summons the white missionary that was sent by the Church in his village.
Chief: "Explain the white kid, white man!"
Priest: "Well, you see, a white child amongst your black tribe is... like the black lamb that was recently born in your herd of white sheep, they..."
Chief, interrupting: "If... if you keep quiet about the black lamb, I'll keep quiet about the child."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ga2i9/an_albino_child_in_an_african_tribe/
%
I once say a man on a bridge about to jump

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or
Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of
1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ga1xo/i_once_say_a_man_on_a_bridge_about_to_jump/
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What is a crevice that is owned by someone and not allowed to be stepped into?

None of your abyss-ness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ga1hi/what_is_a_crevice_that_is_owned_by_someone_and/
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My girlfriend asked me if I felt like aural.

I think that’s where it goes in one ear and out the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ga108/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_felt_like_aural/
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A chemist walks into a bar...

Chemist: Do you have any Sodium Hypobromite?
Bartender: NaBrO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9z1n/a_chemist_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?

Harry Potter made it out of the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9waf/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_the/
%
What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex?

A microwave won't brown your meat!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9v67/whats_the_difference_between_a_microwave_and_anal/
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What's the difference between the strippers and the circus?

The circus has a cunning array of stunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9uwd/whats_the_difference_between_the_strippers_and/
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All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."
"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."
All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work, the ass hole is usually in charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9u0o/all_of_the_organs_are_deciding_who_should_be_in/
%
I used to be terrified of my dentist.

He wasn't rough with my teeth or anything, he was just a paedophile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9s6q/i_used_to_be_terrified_of_my_dentist/
%
You know why i love hiking?

It is all about the in tents action.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9ql6/you_know_why_i_love_hiking/
%
My girlfriend might be a bit clingy, but she sure is going places...

Like home. Go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9p1e/my_girlfriend_might_be_a_bit_clingy_but_she_sure/
%
3 Big things happened to me today

1) My neighbor said he didn't like me
2) My neighbor got hit by a bus
3) I lost my bus drivers license﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9n3i/3_big_things_happened_to_me_today/
%
What happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down?

He fell on his ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9n2j/what_happened_to_the_man_with_two_wooden_legs/
%
A man who is infatuated with soil...

has a dirty fetish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9mun/a_man_who_is_infatuated_with_soil/
%
Two Mexicans

are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the dessert, don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"
"Pepe ... ees not a bacon tree ... Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9mt6/two_mexicans/
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What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9mj4/what_is_the_difference_between_game_of_thrones/
%
Your mom is like a pile of bricks.

Constantly getting laid by Mexicans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9m3v/your_mom_is_like_a_pile_of_bricks/
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What do you call a person who only speaks one language?

American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9j68/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_only_speaks_one/
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What do you call a gay Frenchman?

A faguette.
(Sorry if offensive)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9iov/what_do_you_call_a_gay_frenchman/
%
A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated: "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said: "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9ijw/a_husband_will_only_have_sex_with_his_wife_on_one/
%
People tell me I'm too condescending.

That means I talk down to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9hpn/people_tell_me_im_too_condescending/
%
I wanted to go on a date with a hooker

so I asked her, "When are you free?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9hij/i_wanted_to_go_on_a_date_with_a_hooker/
%
I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.

Now I'm taking this shit to the next level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9g3a/i_accidentally_pooped_my_pants_in_the_elevator/
%
A very religious woman buys a parrot...

...not knowing that the bird's previous owner was a foul-mouthed drunk who taught the parrot how to curse.
As soon as she walks into the house with the parrot, he begins to shout, "Hey, it's fucking hot in this house! Shit, is your damn thermometer fuckin' broken or something, bitch?!?"
"I will NOT tolerate such language in my home!" she says. "This is a holy house! For that, you will spend 10 minutes in the refrigerator freezer until you've learned your lesson."
She puts him into the freezer and closes the door. Ten minutes later, she takes him out.
"Bitch what the fuck is wrong with you?" the bird screams. "It's so goddamned cold in there! That shit ain't right!"
"I see you haven't learned anything yet. Back into the freezer you go, this time for 20 minutes."
Twenty minutes later, she takes him out.
"I'm s-s-s-so very s-s-s-sorry, madam" the parrot whispered. "Suffice it to say that you will n-n-n-never hear me utter s-s-s-such obscenities again. I do have but one question, though."
"What is that?"
"What in the world could that poor chicken in there have done?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9eor/a_very_religious_woman_buys_a_parrot/
%
How do you the difference between a blond man and a blond woman?

The blond woman will have a higher sperm count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9eo9/how_do_you_the_difference_between_a_blond_man_and/
%
I can't spell armugedon...

But it's not the end of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9ckb/i_cant_spell_armugedon/
%
PC is getting way out of hand. You can't even say black paint anymore.

Instead it's gotta be "Jamal, please paint."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9a92/pc_is_getting_way_out_of_hand_you_cant_even_say/
%
Why do stormtroopers never have long distance relationships?

Because they'd miss each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g9a35/why_do_stormtroopers_never_have_long_distance/
%
Little Susie

was a good girl and always went to Sunday School with her friends, but she sometimes found it hard to concentrate during the lesson, and more than once she found herself dozing off in class.
One morning, the teacher was recounting a few classic bible stories, and when she was done she asked the class a few questions.
"Who is the creator of the Universe and everything in it?"
Little Tommy took the opportunity and stuck little Susie with a pin he had brought from home, and she jumped straight up in her seat and yelled, "Holy Lord Almighty!!"
Her teacher was a little confused at her outburst but was pleased that someone knew the answer. She smiled at Susie and continued with the lesson.
Susie found herself drifting off to sleep again, and a few minutes the teacher asked to the class, "Who was crucified on a cross and was resurrected three days later?"
Little Tommy saw his chance and stuck Susie with the pin again, and she shot up out if her seat and screamed, "Oh my sweeet Jesus!!"
The teacher was again a little confused but still pleased with her response, and continued on with the lesson.
Again Susie drifted off to sleep. And sure enough, after a dew minutes the teacher had another question. "What did Eve say to Adam after their twenty-third child?"
A quick jab from Tommy, and Susie was up screaming at the top of her lungs, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll snap it in half and shove it up your ass!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g97hv/little_susie/
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What did the tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they're stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g96st/what_did_the_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
What do you call a German paedophile hiding in the playground bushes?

Kinder Surprise!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g95jg/what_do_you_call_a_german_paedophile_hiding_in/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession with Linkin Park

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g933v/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_of_my/
%
Once upon a time in a nursing home...

...there was an 80 year old woman and an 80 year old man.  Despite their advanced years, they were both very much sexually driven despite the doctor's insistence that they give up that type of activity due to their advanced age, but one night, a sly wink over a game of Bingo and a sexy smile over pudding, and the two old folks hobbled away on their walkers for a night of passionate lovemaking.
They locked the door of the man's room and began to undress, the man popping Viagra by the handful.
No sooner had the old woman removed her bra, she stopped suddenly, "Before we do this, I should tell you that I have acute angina."
"Oh thank God," the man said, "Because your titties are absolutely hideous!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g90lx/once_upon_a_time_in_a_nursing_home/
%
How come Landscapers have huge loads?

They are always edging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g8zd5/how_come_landscapers_have_huge_loads/
%
I've been having problems with dry hands.

It's just been the worst thing, cracked knuckles every day. And of course every dermatologist has a months-long wait to get in to see them.
Well my aunt, who's an RN, heard about my troubles and called me saying "I have a friend who's a dermatologist, she has a couple hours of free time, just hurry on up and go to Exam Room 2 and she'll take care of you." I drop what I'm doing and rush up to the local hospital.
As soon as I walk into the exam room, I'm floored. This woman is off-the-charts hot. I'm speechless. She think I'm just shy because she's a woman, so she says "It's okay, I'm a professional, I can handle any problem you have. What's going on?"
I finally manage to say "Well, ma'am, I think my cock tastes funny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g8xtf/ive_been_having_problems_with_dry_hands/
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A woman goes to the Doctor

, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g8upr/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Three Hookers are applying for a job on a nightclub

The manager asks them, "If you found a 100 dollar bill on the ground, what will you do?"
The first hooker said, "I will give it to the management of this club."
The next hooker said, "I will ask around if anyone lost it."
The last hooker said, "I will keep it. I consider it to be a tip."
Who do you think got the job?
The one with the biggest tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g8t96/three_hookers_are_applying_for_a_job_on_a/
%
What's the difference between acne and a child molester?

Acne waits till you are 13 to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g8kfh/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_child/
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Forgive me Father for I have sinned

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g8cxu/forgive_me_father_for_i_have_sinned/
%
A man notices a pig with a wooden leg

He calls out to the farmer and asks,"why's the pig got a wooden leg?"
The farmer replies, "it's amazing that pig, once I fell in the pond and was drowning. The pig came trotting along, jumped in and pulled me out."
"Wow, that is amazing." said the man.
"and another time I fell asleep on the sofa. Dropped my cigarette and set the whole farmhouse on fire. The pig knocked down the front door, crawled through the smoke and pulled me out into the farmyard."
"That's absolutely extraordinary." exclaimed the man.
"And, a couple of months ago I had a heart attack whilst driving the tractor. The pig trotted alongside, jumped up and grabbed the wheel in his snout, steered it safely to a halt, then ran 12 miles to get me a doctor."
"That is truly amazing. Unbelievable." Said the man, "but what's with the wooden leg?"
"Ah", said the farmer, "you don't eat a pig like that all at once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g8a9y/a_man_notices_a_pig_with_a_wooden_leg/
%
Dad, are ghosts real?

Dad: No son, of course not
Son: The nanny said they are
Dad: Okay, pack your stuff... We don't have a nanny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g874l/dad_are_ghosts_real/
%
Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close.

I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g86pe/today_i_was_walking_past_a_car_filled_with_black/
%
A priest out for a walk comes across a boy tied to a tree

The priest says, "oh you poor boy, what on earth has happened to you?"
The boy says, "I was just walking home when these 2 men grabbed me, tied me up and did terrible things to me."
The priest loosens his cassock and says, "It's not your lucky day is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g85xy/a_priest_out_for_a_walk_comes_across_a_boy_tied/
%
As a fat guy I never really have more pep in my step...

But I do occasionally get a little more throttle in my waddle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g84p3/as_a_fat_guy_i_never_really_have_more_pep_in_my/
%
3 Tough Cowboys

Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire after a long day on the plains.
The first cowboy says, "I'm the toughest man in the west, I once took three arrows in my back and rode 2 days through Indian infested badlands to get help."
The second cowboy says, "Bah, I'm the toughest man in the west.  I was shot off my horse, scalped and left for dead.  I crawled 60 miles through the desert on my belly to the nearest fort."
The third cowboy said nothing as he stirred the coals of the fire with his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g81ws/3_tough_cowboys/
%
What did Obama say when he was alone?

Obamaself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g7yjz/what_did_obama_say_when_he_was_alone/
%
What is the French verb that means "To declare war"?

*Surrendre*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g7xux/what_is_the_french_verb_that_means_to_declare_war/
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A Mafia leader tells his right-hand man to......

, "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out." Then he hands him a plastic cup. Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out. The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out." The Mafia leader hands him a new cup. So the guy goes back into the bathroom and does the same thing. He walks out with much less in the cup than the first time. The Mafia leader sees this and says, "Very good, very good. Do it one more time." He hands him a new cup and the guy goes back into the bathroom. He comes out and there's only a tiny drop in the cup. The Mafia leader now says, "Alright Steve, I want you to drive my daughter to Manhattan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g7vmu/a_mafia_leader_tells_his_righthand_man_to/
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A turkey was chatting with a bull...

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
**Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g7pe6/a_turkey_was_chatting_with_a_bull/
%
A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.
The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."
"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."
"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."
"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of vomit to have to mop up..."
"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g7op8/a_man_is_sobbing_into_his_beer/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g7jso/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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What lies on it's back a hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g7i6k/what_lies_on_its_back_a_hundred_feet_in_the_air/
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A husband leans over

and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground .
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, thinks I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g7hdr/a_husband_leans_over/
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I’d like to be eight again.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g7h81/id_like_to_be_eight_again/
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Temptation

A young couple are due to be married soon. The woman's hot sister asks the groom to be to come over and help her with her tax return, as he's an accountant. He obliges and is met at the door by the sister in some revealing clothes. He tries to ignore this and carries on as a professional. As they work through the tax details she gets more and more suggestive, when finally she gets up, bends over and whispers in his ear, "Meet me upstairs". She winks and slinks up the stairs, stopping only to remove her panties and throw them down to the shocked accountant downstairs. He sits for quite a few moments, before getting up and walking quickly to the front door. As he steps outside he's met by his soon to be wife and her parents. "Surprise!", they say. It turns out they wanted to be sure that he was the right man for her and would remain faithful no matter what. He passed the test, which they were thrilled about and welcomed him inside where they opened some champagne in celebration. The moral of the story, of course, is to keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g7flg/temptation/
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A farmer invested $10 million of his own money for a research on 'effects of Marijuana on cattle'.

The steaks were high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g7bhy/a_farmer_invested_10_million_of_his_own_money_for/
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I electrified a clickbait journalist's toilet.

Number 2 will shock them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g77we/i_electrified_a_clickbait_journalists_toilet/
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A man sends his wife to Home Depot

A man busy with his project sends his wife to Home Depot.  When she gets there she finds the closest associate and tells him
"I need some...oh yes, 4 by 2's" and the associate kind of chuckles.  He says that usually people call them 2 by 4's but that's OK.  He walks with her to the limber section and asks "how long do you need them"  she says "forever, we're building a deck".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g779p/a_man_sends_his_wife_to_home_depot/
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You must be in management!!!!!!!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hoveringapproximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g75xv/you_must_be_in_management/
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Screwing in a lightbulb

How many Zombies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, because they wouldn't fit and zombies don't screw.
&nbsp;
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Thirty-one. One to hold the bulb and 30 to drink until the room spins!
&nbsp;
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, because the bulb already contains the seeds of revolution.
&nbsp;
Why did the hipster burn his hand?
He tried to change the bulb before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g756u/screwing_in_a_lightbulb/
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Jesus may have fed fishes and loaves to 5000 people....

But hitler made 6 million jews toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g723d/jesus_may_have_fed_fishes_and_loaves_to_5000/
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Green Lantern

That name has a nice ring to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g6rad/green_lantern/
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An old couple gets in the mood.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g6nwx/an_old_couple_gets_in_the_mood/
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A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.
The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.
The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.
While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?"
The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy."
The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?"
The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g6m02/a_british_man_a_french_man_and_a_spanish_man_are/
%
What is 6.9?

A wonderful thing ruined by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g6km4/what_is_69/
%
A business owner is looking to have a painting commissioned...

He has this decently sized white wall in his office, and asks a local artist to paint a mural on it.
The artist asks, "Well, what kind of mural were you thinking?"
The owner is a huge American History buff.  He thinks for a bit, about the revolutionary war, the civil war... he decides "How about Custer's last stand, during his last moments at the battle of Little Bighorn."
The artist isn't too terribly familiar with the battle, but says he'll research a bit, and come up with something great.
So the owner goes away on a vacation, and gives the artist free reign of the office for two weeks to get the job done.
He comes back in, and on the wall...  it's just... porn.  It's a bunch of Native Americans having a giant orgy.  And in the center, inexplicably, is a pile of fecal matter with a halo over it.
He asks the artist "What... what... what the fuck *IS* this?"
The artist says "I call it - 'Holy shit; Look at all the fucking Indians'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g6gfh/a_business_owner_is_looking_to_have_a_painting/
%
The worst birthday present I ever got...

...was from my grandma when i turned 5. She gave me three socks. When asked why, she responded "because your mom said you grew a foot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g6fy5/the_worst_birthday_present_i_ever_got/
%
The Boyfriend and the Old Dog.

A boyfriend is having his first dinner at his girlfriends house with her parents. Things are going great when the women leave the table to give the men some time to talk. Suddenly, the boyfriend feels bloated and is trying to not fart in the dead silence. The family dog, Duke, is sitting under his chair and he gets an idea. He slowly lets one go when the father yells "Duke!". The plan worked and he lets a louder one go. "Duke!" the father says again. The boyfriend finally decides to go for broke and lets out as much as he can. "DUKE! Get out from under that chair before that boy shits on you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g6ch8/the_boyfriend_and_the_old_dog/
%
Wheels in heaven

There are three men standing in line to get into heaven, and St. Peter tells them, " Congratulations on getting it this far guys! You have all been deemed righteous enough to enter heaven, but we still like to give people a token to remind them of how they behaved in their marriages. And so, every person in heaven gets wheels. So step in up and I'll give you the type of vehicle you deserve."
So the first guy walks up and St.Peter says "Wow! You lived your life as pure as you could! Never cheated on your wife. You get a Rolls Royce, the best car in heaven." So the man happily drives through the pearly gates.
The second man steps up and St. Peter says "Hmm... Alright well it looks like you lived a pretty pure life, but I can see that you cheated on your wife once. You get a motorcycle." And the man drives through the pearly gates.
The third man steps up, and he looks very nervous. St. Peter says " Oh my god! You have lived the most adulterous, impure life l have ever seen! My god, you even payed a nurse to have sex with you while on your deathbed! But your still here.... So here you go I guess. You get a skate board."
And so a few weeks pass, and life is pretty good, but one day the third man is skating down the street and sees the first man sitting and crying next to his crashed car, so the third man skates up and asks " Is everything okay? What happened" and the first man says " I just  saw my wife ride by on a skateboard..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g6c9d/wheels_in_heaven/
%
What is the most successful hotel?

Auschwitz, 6 million stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g6920/what_is_the_most_successful_hotel/
%
My Dad finally said that I was funny.

I asked him if he loved me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g679p/my_dad_finally_said_that_i_was_funny/
%
One of my oldest friends is my receding hairline...

We go way back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g65w9/one_of_my_oldest_friends_is_my_receding_hairline/
%
What do you call it when a sewer collapses on itself?

Sewercide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g6525/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_sewer_collapses_on/
%
If I had to remove any part in my body

I'd remove my spine, it's holding me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g61er/if_i_had_to_remove_any_part_in_my_body/
%
Why is the number of black priests so small?

Most of them run away after being called father once or twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g61bu/why_is_the_number_of_black_priests_so_small/
%
Biting Boobies....

An old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful brunette walk by with a truly gigantic set of knockers. He turns around and catches up to the woman and says to her: "I'll give you $100 to let me bite your boobs" "Get away from me you perv!" she shouts back and continues walking. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give you $1,000 to bite your boobs" "I said no!" she replies and walks away. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give you $10,000 to bite your boobs. The lady thinks about it for a bit and decides that $10,000 dollars is a lot of money so she might as well do it. So she flips up her shirt and removes her bra. The old man begins touching and feeling and squishing the boobs in his hands. After a while the lady says: "Well are you gonna bite them?" The old man replies: "Nah, too expensive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g5x4i/biting_boobies/
%
I told my Canadian friend that I ran zero miles today...

she said that was 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g5ww4/i_told_my_canadian_friend_that_i_ran_zero_miles/
%
A black guy walks into a convenience store...

And says, "I'm looking for a job."
The store owner replies, "You're in luck!  We have an open position that pays $100,000 per a month!"
The black guy says, "You're joking."
The store owner says, "Well, you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g5vth/a_black_guy_walks_into_a_convenience_store/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two! But don't ask me how they got inside there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g5vs6/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
How did the mathematician solve his constipation problem?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g5rhx/how_did_the_mathematician_solve_his_constipation/
%
What's the difference between Chris Brown and a radio station?

The radio station only has 90 minutes of non-stop hits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g5jvn/whats_the_difference_between_chris_brown_and_a/
%
Dark humor is like food

Some people just don't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g5gy2/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g5914/how_much_room_is_needed_for_fungi_to_grow/
%
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend and re-wire the toaster.

She was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g578l/i_thought_id_surprise_my_girlfriend_and_rewire/
%
Bono from U2 is the voice of my car's GPS

It sucks. The streets have no names and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g56c7/bono_from_u2_is_the_voice_of_my_cars_gps/
%
I got completely sucked into a three hour documentary about a toad.

It was ribbeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g526e/i_got_completely_sucked_into_a_three_hour/
%
Pirate joke

A teacher is giving a history lesson on pirates. He asks the students a question.
"What is a pirates favorite letter".
A student's excitedly shouts  " R "!
Teacher replys "You would think it's R but it's the C they love".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g4wte/pirate_joke/
%
I've just found out that one of my best friends is a mime artist.

He kept that quiet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g4r5c/ive_just_found_out_that_one_of_my_best_friends_is/
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As a mark of respect to Prince...

The local pub is putting on a wake tomorrow night. All you can eat and drink for under 20 quid.
I for one intend to party like it's £19.99.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g4qsj/as_a_mark_of_respect_to_prince/
%
What do you call a Jamaican who likes spaghetti?

A Pastafarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g4q7i/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_who_likes_spaghetti/
%
Why do seagulls live by the sea?

If they lived by the bay they'd be bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g4q30/why_do_seagulls_live_by_the_sea/
%
What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A πthon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g4nn5/what_do_you_call_a_snake_thats_314_metres_long/
%
Whats the difference between a smart midget and a venereal disease?

Ones a cunning runt...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g4n0i/whats_the_difference_between_a_smart_midget_and_a/
%
What do you call a Norwegian prostitute?

A fjord escort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g4gzg/what_do_you_call_a_norwegian_prostitute/
%
My Boss thought that getting a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant.

All it did was change the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g4dng/my_boss_thought_that_getting_a_vasectomy_would/
%
A cowboy...

... walks into a bar in Texas and orders three beers. He sits at the bar, drinking a sip out of each glass in turn.
This goes on for a few weeks till the bartender says " You know beer goes flat after pouring - why don't you just buy them one at a time?"
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When they left our home we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
One day, he comes in and only orders two beers. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife made me quit drinking but it hasn't affected my brothers, though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g4d2b/a_cowboy/
%
How many dragon ball characters does it take to change a light bulb ?

Only one... but it will take a few episodes.
~~The lightbulb saga~~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g4b4z/how_many_dragon_ball_characters_does_it_take_to/
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[Long] Four old buddies meet up at a bar to reminisce...

One of them has to use the bathroom, so he excuses himself from the bar.
While he's gone the other 3 guys start talking about their sons. The first guy says, "Well I was a little worried about my son. After high school he didn't seem to have any ambition. I made him get a job raking leaves for a big real estate company, and one day while he was at work he started talking to a couple that stopped by a house on a whim. Well, he sold them the house right there on the spot. Turns out he's got a natural gift for selling houses, now he owns a huge realty company and he just gave his best friend a mansion for his birthday!"
The second guy says, "That reminds me of my own son. After high school he was living at home, just playing on the internet all the time. One night while he was bored, he bought a couple penny stocks with his last $50. He was hooked, and spent a ton of time learning everything there is to know about the market. He's made so much money on the market now that he owns his own investment firm and he just gave his best friend a million dollar portfolio for his birthday!"
The third guy says, "This is crazy but that sounds just like my son. After he graduated he was bumming around, sleeping on his friend's couch. He got a job washing cars at a car dealership for beer money. One day he helped convince some customers to buy a car, and on a hunch the dealership owner made him a salesman. He's been so successful that now he owns three dealerships, and he just gave his best friend a Mercedes Benz for his birthday!"
Upon finishing his story the fourth man returned from the bathroom. They tell him that they'd been talking about their sons and the fourth man says, "Oh god, I hate to say it but to be honest my son is a little bit of a disappointment. He's thirty now and a hairdresser, and I just found out he's gay and has a bunch of boyfriends. I try to look on the bright side though, his boyfriends just gave him a mansion, a million dollars worth of stock, and a Mercedes Benz for his birthday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g496d/long_four_old_buddies_meet_up_at_a_bar_to/
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g48s3/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
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I think my wife is dead

I mean, the sex is no different, but the dishes keep piling up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g4870/i_think_my_wife_is_dead/
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Holiday sex is the best sex ever.....

That was the hardest postcard from my wife to read!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g411w/holiday_sex_is_the_best_sex_ever/
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what's the difference between a black man and a box of donuts?

One of them's already full of holes before the cops see them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g40mr/whats_the_difference_between_a_black_man_and_a/
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What do you call a dead baby ,who fights crime?

Miscarriage of Justice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3x51/what_do_you_call_a_dead_baby_who_fights_crime/
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A multi-millionaire is dozing in the back of his limo....

Suddenly, the car swerves off the road, bumps across a couple of rocks, works its way across a muddy field, crashes through a barn and runs over a couple of traffic signs at a crossing before ending up back on the road. "What the hell was that about?!" the millionaire shouts at his driver.
"Sir, there was a small kid on the road"
"Fuck small kids! Next time, run them over!"
"Well I tried, but he ran for it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3v7f/a_multimillionaire_is_dozing_in_the_back_of_his/
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My wife has been really cold to me lately.

Ever since she passed away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3t5p/my_wife_has_been_really_cold_to_me_lately/
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I'm Cherokee and German...

I can walk a trail but I can't finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3t0n/im_cherokee_and_german/
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way when you do criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3sfo/before_you_criticize_someone_you_should_walk_a/
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I can use some help with some painting . . .

A man looking for food and shelter comes upon a cozy house on a nice, small farm.
When the farmer answers the door, the man asks him, “Can you spare me something to eat? I haven’t eaten in several days and I'm not picky.”
The farmer says, “I never give anything away for free. I can give you food and even a place to stay tonight in the barn, but only if you're willing to work for it. The porch out back really needs a new coat of paint. Interested?”
"Oh, yes sir," the man says. An hour later the newly minted painter returns. The farmer is impressed. “That was fast! Come on in and sit down, and I'll bring you a nice bowl of soup and some fresh bread.”
The painter says, “Thank you very much! I truly appreciate it the opportunity to earn this food. But there's something I need to say. Please don't be offended, but I have to tell you something important; you need to hear this. It’s not a Porsche you got there. It’s a BMW.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3qt1/i_can_use_some_help_with_some_painting/
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Yesterday I saw a horse-drawn carriage

The proportions were a bit off but the shading and linework were quite remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3pck/yesterday_i_saw_a_horsedrawn_carriage/
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Screaming Waitress

I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”
Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3ow2/screaming_waitress/
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How do you starve a neurosurgeon?

Hide his paycheck with his kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3omw/how_do_you_starve_a_neurosurgeon/
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BREAKING NEWS: NASA announces Mars Rover discovered new feline-like life form on the Red Planet

Unfortunately, it ran over the newly discovered creature. Yes, it seems Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3mm5/breaking_news_nasa_announces_mars_rover/
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Just finished building doors for my fish.

I'm highly skilled in the field of carp-entry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3it4/just_finished_building_doors_for_my_fish/
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The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss ....

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone
Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.
All of them shocked and together looked at the maid who's patiently listening to them.
Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal??
😂😆

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3h07/the_phone_bill_was_exceptionally_high_man_called/
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What do you call a trespassing camper?

Criminal intent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3d9e/what_do_you_call_a_trespassing_camper/
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My girlfriend broke up with me, because she hated me singing Linkin Park songs all the time.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3bkq/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_she_hated/
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The teacher asks her class for some examples of medicines tgey use at home

Little Kevin promptly raises his hands and says, "Tylenol! For headaches!"
The teacher says, "Very good, Kevin, anyone else?"
Little Lisa answers from the back, "Um, Ambien, my Mom tells me it helps her sleep...?"
The teacher smiles at her and says, "Good job, Lisa," then turns to her class and goes on, "Listen here children, always be careful with medicines at home, okay? Now, does anyone else have another example?"
Little Johnny raises his hands slowly and says, "Viagra? For diarrhoea?"
The teacher freezes for a second, before the rest of his statement hits her and she stammers out, "F-for diarrhoea?"
Little Johnny explains, "Yeah, my Mom keeps telling my dad to take it, it'll harden his shit up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g33x9/the_teacher_asks_her_class_for_some_examples_of/
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A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar.
He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.
The bartender motions to a young woman.
She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place.
After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house.
"You owe me money," she says.
"For what?"
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up."
She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g30x5/a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone

And then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g2z2c/i_was_up_all_night_wondering_where_the_sun_had/
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My brother just lost his left hand,

but the doctor told me not to worry. He's going to be alright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g2qn2/my_brother_just_lost_his_left_hand/
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Donald Trump walks up to President Obama...

He asks, "Obama my man, how did you manage to put together such a wonderful team? Tell me your secret."
Obama smiles and replies, "Well, the first thing that you have to do, Mr Trump, is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
"Well how do I do that?" asks Trump.
"Simple," Obama replies. "The way I do it, I always ask them one simple question." He turns around and yells, "Joe! Get in here!" Joe Biden saunters into the the room.
"Joe," Obama says, "Mr Trump here wants to know how I know if someone is intelligent. So let me ask you this: Who is your father's son?"
Joe thinks about it, and replies, "That would be me, Mr President."
Obama nods. "Excellent, that is correct! See, Mr Trump?"
Trump hates to admit it, but he is impressed. "Very good, Mr President," he says. "Thanks for the advice."
Trump returns to his office at Trump Towers and decides to test Mr Obama's method. He picks up the phone and rings Chris Christie. "Hello, Chris?"
"Yes Mr Trump?" says Chris Christie on the other side.
"I want you to answer a simple question. Who is your father's son?"
Chris is perplexed. After a few moments of silence, he replies, "I'll get back to you tomorrow, Mr Trump." and puts down the phone. Worried about disappointing Trump, he calls the smartest person he knows, Bill Gates. He dials Bill Gates' number.
"Hello? Bill?"
"What is it Chris?"
"I need to ask you a question."
Bill Gates gets annoyed. "Look, Chris, no more stupid questions, ok? I have a meeting in 15 minutes and I've got to get ready."
"Right, right," says Chris in a flurry. "Who is your father's son?"
Bill is furious. "IT'S ME OF COURSE YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT!" he yells and slams down the phone.
The next day, Chris meets Donald Trump for lunch. "So, Chris," says Trump. "You said you'd get back to me on this. Who is your father's son?"
Chris smiles triumphantly. "Why, Mr Trump, it's Bill Gates, of course!" Trump is enraged and slaps him in the face.
"IDIOT!" he yells. "IT'S JOE BIDEN, YOU STUPID SHIT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g2qey/donald_trump_walks_up_to_president_obama/
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What did the man say to the priest at the beach?

Do you mind getting out of my son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g2kiy/what_did_the_man_say_to_the_priest_at_the_beach/
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If Prince is dead then...

Is his music now "royalty-free"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g2iek/if_prince_is_dead_then/
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How do you tell the difference between a computer scientist and an aspiring music artist?

Ask them what 'unsigned' means.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g2gfs/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_computer/
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Sister Mary and Sister Francis are riding their bikes from the vestibule to the rectory....

Sister Mary says to Sister Francis, "I've never came this way before!"
And Sister Francis says "It must be the cobble stone street!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g2fxi/sister_mary_and_sister_francis_are_riding_their/
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Hi, I'm black and I can't stand the stereotype that we are all criminals.

-Sent from your iPhone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g2fos/hi_im_black_and_i_cant_stand_the_stereotype_that/
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During the Exodus, before the Israelites left Egypt, Moses talked to the Burning Bush.

The Bush told Moses that in preparation for the departure from Egypt, the Israelites could not leaven their bread, so that when the day of the Exodus finally came, they would be ready to leave at a moment's notice. Every Israelite lived in a family hut, all except for old lady Nina, whose husband had passed on with no children. Everyone complied to this rule for the quite some time, but one day when Moses consulted the Bush, the Bush told him that one of the Israelites had failed to follow the rule, and unless that Israelite was disciplined or came forward to confess their sin and be shamed in front of the tribe, they would all be slaves of the Pharaoh for eternity. Naturally, this caused some commotion as to who could have violated this rule, and also naturally, all denied having leavened the bread. Everyone had their families as witnesses claiming they did not break the rule. All except for Nina, as she lived alone. Since she was so well respected, no one questioned her at first, but eventually all the evidence began to point in her direction. Rather than asking her directly, and thus humiliating her before the Israelites, Moses asked the Burning Bush if she was the perpetrator. He and his brother Aaron approached the holy ground, and Moses asked aloud "BUSH, DID NINA LEAVEN?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g2c8c/during_the_exodus_before_the_israelites_left/
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I spent two hours child-proofing my home.

They still got in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g2c1f/i_spent_two_hours_childproofing_my_home/
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What is the driest soda you can buy?

Baking soda.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g29di/what_is_the_driest_soda_you_can_buy/
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How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One? Or two?
One?
....
Or two?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g27je/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Whats the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage?

I don't know I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g22rh/whats_the_difference_between_a_terrorist_training/
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Woman bus drivers

When I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality.
And then I wait for the next bus...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g21rr/woman_bus_drivers/
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Why do men die before their wives?

Because we want to!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g20v6/why_do_men_die_before_their_wives/
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[True Story] So today I had to get three wisdom teeth pulled and I jokingly told my girlfriend that I was going to ask the dentist how long before I had could go down on my girlfriend?

Well that was too just funny and just between us. "Maybe I should ask how long after the surgery before I can suck a cock again?"..we both laughed hard. But omg the anesthesia must kicked in and I ACTUALLY asked the doctor. I don't remember a thing my gf relayed everything later. But I was insistent on knowing the answer apparently, in which the docter said," Well I guess that is considered a soft food so I think your okay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g1z4m/true_story_so_today_i_had_to_get_three_wisdom/
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I found a wallet today

As a good Christian I thought: What would Jesus do?
So I turned it to wine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g1y8h/i_found_a_wallet_today/
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How many software developers does it take to fix a light bulb?

none, its a hardware issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g1w5m/how_many_software_developers_does_it_take_to_fix/
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A farmer is transporting donkeys across the interstate.

He is driving at a brisk but legal pace when he was suddenly pulled over by a two state troopers.
The first trooper says, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
The farmer looked at him, puzzled, and replied, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I was going five miles below the speed limit!"
The first trooper angrily looks over at the second and says, "You told me he was speeding!"
Flustered, the second officer replies, "No no no, I said he was hauling ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g1t0d/a_farmer_is_transporting_donkeys_across_the/
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I keep trying to find my wife's killer

But nobody will do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g1res/i_keep_trying_to_find_my_wifes_killer/
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What do you call a group of cows smoking marijuana.

High steaks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g1p5v/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_cows_smoking_marijuana/
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What's the worst part about making out with a perfect 10?

The cold feeling on your lips when you realize you're kissing the mirror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g1mlt/whats_the_worst_part_about_making_out_with_a/
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Me and my girlfriend had a suicide pact.

One of us got cold feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g1k19/me_and_my_girlfriend_had_a_suicide_pact/
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What's worst than fingering your sister?

Finding your dad's wedding ring inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g1k0f/whats_worst_than_fingering_your_sister/
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A guy driving down the road hits a prostitute with his car

He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road.
She is groaning in pain. She mumbles, "I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind..."
Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says, "How many fingers do I have up?"
"Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralyzed too, am I?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g1jqr/a_guy_driving_down_the_road_hits_a_prostitute/
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Paedophile in a van...

A paedophile in a van creeps up to a 7 y/o boy walking home from school, the creepy man yells out "hey little buddy, ill give you this whole bag of candy if you come in my van !" As he holds up said candy. The little boy then replies "Mister, for a whole bag of candy ill cum on your face"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g1ffm/paedophile_in_a_van/
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a husband is about to die...

he goes out with his friends to give them the bad news. he tells them he has an announcement to make
-" i wanted to thank you guys for being there for me, i want to inform you that i have AIDS and i will die in a week. "
everyone was devastated  cried and left with their heart a little broken.
when the man arrived home, he told his wife everything. after finishing she screamed:
-"AIDS! why did you tell them you have AIDS? you have cancer, not aids!"
the man turns to his wife and says.
-"im going to die, but im going to make sure no one goes to bed with you too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g1e1r/a_husband_is_about_to_die/
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Why is it detrimental to have a robot with repressed sexual interests?

It has some kinks to work out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g1dix/why_is_it_detrimental_to_have_a_robot_with/
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My girlfriend called me a pedophile

I said, "That's a pretty big word for a six year old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g1bty/my_girlfriend_called_me_a_pedophile/
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10 people understand binary.

Those who do, and those who dont.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g17uw/10_people_understand_binary/
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Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g15wz/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
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Smooth jazz always puts me to sleep...

...must be the mellow tonin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g15j3/smooth_jazz_always_puts_me_to_sleep/
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A blind man is sitting on a park bench.

A Rabbi sits down next to him. The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this?!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g140k/a_blind_man_is_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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Dark humor is like food.

Not everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g137k/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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Dad keeps breaking into my phone, so I found a password he won't remember.

My birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g127r/dad_keeps_breaking_into_my_phone_so_i_found_a/
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I can tell my Girlfriends ass is getting bigger,

She fits in my Wife's jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g11uy/i_can_tell_my_girlfriends_ass_is_getting_bigger/
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Climbing Mount Everest, Bob complains about being in pain...

...the guide takes him to the side, points to the front of the group and says "Look at Vince, he's got no legs and he's leading the group, you have legs and you're at the back, what's your excuse?" He looks the tour guide in the eyes and replies "my fucking legs hurt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g0xi5/climbing_mount_everest_bob_complains_about_being/
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My girlfriend says I can't visualise things

I can't imagine why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g0tya/my_girlfriend_says_i_cant_visualise_things/
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Joe the Train Conductor

Joe, a train conductor, was driving his train when he fell asleep at the controls. The train suffered a terrible crash and only those in the front of the train survived. Joe was put on trial for the negligent homicide of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
When asked what he'd like for his last meal, he replied simply with "A banana, if you will." The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. Joe ate the banana in regular fashion and braced himself for death. He was seated on the chair, fastened in, and was ready for what was about to happen.
However, after the electricity was activated, nothing happened. The guard was astonished. Not knowing what to do, he simply let Joe go.
A few days later, Joe was back to work conducting trains. Shortly after his return, he managed to derail yet another train, again killing nearly a hundred people but surviving the crash. As before, he was charged and found guilty of multiple negligent homicides. Again, he was sentenced to death by electric chair.
It was the same prison guard as before. He was surprised to see Joe again but held his tongue, for the man was about to die and it would be rude to question him. "What would you like for your last meal, sir?" Joe respond as he did last time: "A banana, if you will." The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. Joe ate the banana in regular fashion and again braced himself for death. He was seated on the chair, fastened in, and was ready for what was about to happen.
The electricity was activated and Joe was prepared. But, as before, he was unhurt. The prison guard checked for any malfunctions but found nothing, not believing the entire situation was possible. Now even more incredulous than before, and not knowing what to do, the guard let him go.
Joe was, against all odds, alive and was incredibly still allowed to continue his job as a train conductor even though he was responsible for the deaths of almost two hundred people.
He was thankful to be allowed to continue his job but also scared. He would try to drive more carefully from now on. However, this effort didn't help much, as the very next train he was conducting, he managed to somehow crash. He was the only survivor of the train, which again contained over a hundred people. He was again charged, and again found responsible for the deaths of over a hundred people. He was sentenced to death by electric chair.
The prison guard was the same, the meal was the same, the procedure was the same. After giving Joe the banana, the guard was silent. He couldn't bring himself to say anything, all he could do was prepare the chair.
Joe sat in the chair, expecting death. The guard activated it and, again, Joe was unscathed. The prison guard couldn't contain himself. He simply had to ask, "Sir, how did you manage to crash a train 3 times? And how did you survive the chair 3 times? Did the banana have something to do with it?"
Joe paused for a moment. Then he replied: "No, I suppose I'm just a terrible conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g0t99/joe_the_train_conductor/
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A cardiologist died...

..and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said: "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral..I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g0q0j/a_cardiologist_died/
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A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra.

But he was spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g0k18/a_leopard_tried_to_sneak_out_of_his_enclosure_by/
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New research shows that birthdays are good for your health

Studies suggest that people with the most birthdays live the longest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g0i7c/new_research_shows_that_birthdays_are_good_for/
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What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks?

You can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g0hrv/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_two_dicks/
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What's a Brazillian's least favorite math chapter to do?

7-1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g0gxj/whats_a_brazillians_least_favorite_math_chapter/
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A joke that is too long and doesn't have a punchline walks into a bar.

He looked a bit gloomy. The bartender decides not to comment on this at first and just asks: "What can I get you?" The joke replies: "A beer please" - "ok, coming up". The bartender proceeds to take a glass out of the shelf and pours the joke a nice and cold beer. "Here you go". - "Thanks".
Around 20 minutes pass. The joke sits at the bar, drinking alone. Meanwhile, other people enter the bar. There are two attractive people in love, an old man who used to live a life of adventure and always has an anecdote to tell to the other guests (whether they ask him for it or not), a couple of tourists who have read about the bar in guides as "a place to hang out", some college kids who have read about the bar in guides as "a place to get wasted", and some regular guests who just give the barkeeper a slight nod to indicate they desire their usual drink.
The beer didn't seem to cheer up the joke at all. After around half an hour, the barkeeper finally decides to say something. He walks over to the joke and says "Hey buddy, what's wrong?" The joke sighs and says "I can't do anything right. My wife loves another man, my job is a dead end and my kids both act up in school. Plus, my back is killing me and no medication seems to help. I don't know what to do". The barkeeper proceeds to comfort the joke with a combination of experiences from his own life and self-help classics and it seems to help. It would be an overstatement to say the joke loved his life after their conversation, but he was clearly in a better mood than before. "Thanks, man. That was great advice", he said and smiled.
Some more guests kept coming in during the course of the night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g0fvp/a_joke_that_is_too_long_and_doesnt_have_a/
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Johnny wanted to have sex.....

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g0fi4/johnny_wanted_to_have_sex/
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How do you make a 4D printer?

Just take a 3D printer and give it some time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g0en2/how_do_you_make_a_4d_printer/
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What did the dog say to the vet that just castrated him?

No hard feelings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g0ccz/what_did_the_dog_say_to_the_vet_that_just/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g0c3t/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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I bet my butcher £50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.

He said "No, the steaks are too high".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g0bn1/i_bet_my_butcher_50_that_he_couldnt_reach_the/
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What do you call Jack Sparrow after he falls off The Black Pearl and sinks down to the sea bed?

Johnny Deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g09e7/what_do_you_call_jack_sparrow_after_he_falls_off/
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Bus Ride

A bunch of people are riding the bus. All the black people are sitting in the back and all the white people are sitting in the front. All of a sudden, a black guy gets up and starts yelling about wanting to sit in the front. An argument breaks out and everyone starts shouting at each other.
The bus driver has had enough and he tells everyone to get off, he lines them up outside and tells them "I've had enough of this race bullshit! from now on nobody is black, nobody is white, everybody is green! now get back on and if you're dark green you sit in the back, light green sit in the front"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g083n/bus_ride/
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I lost my kidneys when I turned 18

My knees are 100% adult now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g07vm/i_lost_my_kidneys_when_i_turned_18/
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Why do they have sex ed and drivers ed on different days in Mexico?

Because they need to give the donkey a break.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g06cg/why_do_they_have_sex_ed_and_drivers_ed_on/
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I've decided to get a couple tattoos. On my right knee I'm going to get "Disney." And on my left...

dat-knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g02h9/ive_decided_to_get_a_couple_tattoos_on_my_right/
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A man was sick and tired of the city life, so he moved to the country side...

Years go by and nobody bothers him. Finally, one day, he heard a knock on his door.
Neighbor: "How are you doing, neighbor? I'm hosting a party and your presence there would be much appreciated!"
Man: "Cool! It's been years since I had human interaction. I'll come!"
Neighbor: "Fantastic! Just some pointers first though. There's going to be heavy drinking..."
Man: "I can handle my liquor."
Neighbor: "And maybe some rough drunken fights..."
Man: "I've been in a few bar fights before, I can hold my ground."
Neighbor: "And some raw drunken sex."
Man: "Even better! So what should I wear to the party?"
Neighbor: "Don't bother with small details like that, it's just the two of us anyways."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g01y7/a_man_was_sick_and_tired_of_the_city_life_so_he/
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want a smart girl, a nice girl, a romantic girl.

But most importantly, I want these women to never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g01bw/want_a_smart_girl_a_nice_girl_a_romantic_girl/
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How do you blindfold an Asian?

With Dental Floss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fzwdy/how_do_you_blindfold_an_asian/
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I am 38, last night i was out with my 19 y.o. girlfriend and someone yelled "paedophile!" ...

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fzu3v/i_am_38_last_night_i_was_out_with_my_19_yo/
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What score did Lenin get on his exam paper?

...Full Marx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fzsxv/what_score_did_lenin_get_on_his_exam_paper/
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How do you make your girlfriend cry while you're having sex?

Call and let her know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fzsa1/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_cry_while_youre/
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How many Jersey girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. They'll screw anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fzmww/how_many_jersey_girls_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What's your favorite word?

5-Year-Old: Empathy! I don't even know what it means!
Me- I know how you feel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fzgzz/whats_your_favorite_word/
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What do pedophile sex-tourists and napalm have in common?

They can both strip a Vietnamese orphan in under a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fzfnz/what_do_pedophile_sextourists_and_napalm_have_in/
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What is Gordon Ramsay's favourite movie?

It's fucking Frozen!!!!!﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fzcpq/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favourite_movie/
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I met an older woman in a bar last night...

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fz2b0/i_met_an_older_woman_in_a_bar_last_night/
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Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

Because they push two Twins together to make a King.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fyvf9/why_do_the_lannisters_have_such_big_beds/
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What's the only thing that doesn't make Hilary suck?

Bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fysty/whats_the_only_thing_that_doesnt_make_hilary_suck/
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What's black and is on top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a housefire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fyo5k/whats_black_and_is_on_top_of_the_stairs/
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Whats the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby i just killed?

Newton died a virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fylza/whats_the_difference_between_isaac_newton_and_the/
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I'm excited about a black person being on the $20 bill.

I always wanted to use black people as currency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fyk14/im_excited_about_a_black_person_being_on_the_20/
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I love my ribcage.

It is very close to my heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fyj9k/i_love_my_ribcage/
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A man worked at a pickle processing plant and came home one day...

A man worked at a pickle processing plant and came home one day and told his wife, "I have this really strong urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer."
His wife was aghast and told him, "Honey, that would be horrible, just resist the temptation."
This goes on for some time, with the husband telling his wife about once per week that he still had the urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
The wife suggested therapy, etc., but to no end - her husband's pronouncements continued.
Finally, the husband came home and told his wife, "I did it - I put my penis in the pickle slicer!"
The wife was horrified.  "What happened?" she asked.
Well, we both got fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fyi79/a_man_worked_at_a_pickle_processing_plant_and/
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3

He says, "unos, dos..." *poof*
**...he disappeared without a tres.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fyfcn/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
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Statistically speaking

5 out of 6 people are pro gang rape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fyet5/statistically_speaking/
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Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD

Its a concentration camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fybsw/germany_opens_a_summer_school_for_kids_with_add/
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I made a belt out of a bunch of watches,

But my friends told me it was a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fy9g3/i_made_a_belt_out_of_a_bunch_of_watches/
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So a work colleague told me that Prince died and they found his body in a lift.

Well, he was obviously coming down with something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fy8ff/so_a_work_colleague_told_me_that_prince_died_and/
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[Dirty] How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fy6g7/dirty_how_long_does_it_take_a_baby_to_die_in_the/
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A new look for /r/jokes

We've hit 6 million subscribers, and so we'd like to roll out our new CSS! It was made by yours truly, and I'd like to thank /u/soul_shot and /u/tizorres for all their assistance
There have been a couple things added in the design:
* A complete face lift: /r/jokes has a more modern look and feel.
* Making it look like a comedy club. The bricks and glowing neon sign are examples of that.
* Cleaner submit and comment pages as well as submission and comment views
Please note: if you find any bugs please let us know which OS and browser you are using, a screenshot would be preferred so we know exactly what you are referring to.
Right now, the below is on stuff I will be fixing and/or adding in a future update.
* More robust RES Support, including a nightmode
* Fixing that shifting logo
* More consistent color scheme/fonts
Pushed the first update live. Fixed the parent comment box (and the colors within), readded post ranks, made tab menu higher contrast, and other small tweaks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fy5w9/a_new_look_for_rjokes/
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Don't worry if you missed 4/20

Because today is 4/20 too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fy5qe/dont_worry_if_you_missed_420/
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What is the best way to stop rape?

Consent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fy4rv/what_is_the_best_way_to_stop_rape/
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My boss accused me of having OCD...

I soon put him in his place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fy4j5/my_boss_accused_me_of_having_ocd/
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A king hires an artist to paint a portrait...

In the Middle Ages, a king commissions a portrait of his likeness to be made.
He hires the most respected artist in the castle, known far and wide for his realistic paintings.
When the artist arrives, he politely asks the king to sit as still as possible for the portrait.
After weeks of sessions with the king, the artist sets down his brush and stares blankly at his completed work.
"Well, how does it look?" asks the king.
The artist hangs his head in shame and replies "your highness...you blinked".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fy4hj/a_king_hires_an_artist_to_paint_a_portrait/
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What is a group of gay pirates favorite pastime?

Pegging each other's booty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fy0zb/what_is_a_group_of_gay_pirates_favorite_pastime/
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Why cant diabetics have vengeance?

Because vengeance is sweet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fxucu/why_cant_diabetics_have_vengeance/
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A married couple come to the marriage counselor...

A married couple come to the marriage counselor. The wife complains:
- We were having a perfect marriage until his girlfriend started dating my boyfriend..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fxu4m/a_married_couple_come_to_the_marriage_counselor/
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If Satan lost his hair...

...there would be hell toupé.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fxmx4/if_satan_lost_his_hair/
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Two long time friends are having a beer in a Pittsburgh bar.

One says "So this morning, when I was buying the ticket here, the woman behind the counter had the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. Like they were huge and perfect. I just wanted to put my face in between 'em. When she asked me what I wanted, I was startled and blurted out 'I'll need one picket to tittsburgh.' I'll tell ya, if looks could kill... I was so embarrassed I just muttered a thank you and kind of slunk away."
His friend chuckled. "Aw man, don't worry, it's called a Freudian slip. It's when you mean to say something, but you accidentally say what's on your mind. Happens to me at all the time. Take last week for example. Me and my wife were sitting down for dinner, and I MEANT to say, "Pass the salt" but I ended up saying, "You ruined my life you stupid bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fxm47/two_long_time_friends_are_having_a_beer_in_a/
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In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ...

the entire story is the sub-plot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fxm24/in_the_movie_the_hunt_for_red_october/
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We've got an aviary at home, Sadly one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80's music.

Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fxll5/weve_got_an_aviary_at_home_sadly_one_of_our_birds/
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Why are criminals so good at basketball?

They shoot first and ask questions later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fxk55/why_are_criminals_so_good_at_basketball/
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I don't drink for religious reasons.

I drink for other reasons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fxd7h/i_dont_drink_for_religious_reasons/
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If you want to hear a very interesting story:

send an SMS to your wife with the following text in the body: "I know everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fxcok/if_you_want_to_hear_a_very_interesting_story/
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The Rock and Roll Hierarchy has fallen

The King has left the building, Queen has bit the dust, and now the doves cry for their Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fxcjr/the_rock_and_roll_hierarchy_has_fallen/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come In cans?

He's a strange dude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fxbhm/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_cans/
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If someone feeds you alphabet soup...

Is that putting words in your mouth? Also, if they are about to feed you and pull back, is that taking the words out of your mouth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fx862/if_someone_feeds_you_alphabet_soup/
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At a wedding ceremony last Saturday

At a wedding ceremony last saturday, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the two.
All hell broke loose when a woman carrying a child started walking towards the front. Everybody was surprised and the bride fainted.
The pastor asked the woman if she had anything to say.
The woman replied "we can't hear at the back".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fx7dw/at_a_wedding_ceremony_last_saturday/
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I feel bad for the Kurds...

They're stuck between Iraq and a hard place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fx4ss/i_feel_bad_for_the_kurds/
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The imgur community is essentially the reddit community's younger sister

She likes to think that she's edgier and smarter than you are, but she's really just obnoxious, pretentious, rude, and offensive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fx4fv/the_imgur_community_is_essentially_the_reddit/
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After much discussion, it was decided that Korea would divide its capital city into two, half for North and half for South, the job of splitting the city went to some unusual ministers: Cenobites. In their first public address about their new task, they gave their mission statement:

"We'll tear your Seoul apart"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fx12h/after_much_discussion_it_was_decided_that_korea/
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What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company?

Progressive
*this just popped up in my head while in the shower. If already posted I apologize in advance*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fwt77/whats_bernie_sanderss_favorite_insurance_company/
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Cliffs are so great...

But they have one downside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fwq01/cliffs_are_so_great/
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Oh so you like metal? Name three blacksmiths

Will, Jaden and Willow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fwodn/oh_so_you_like_metal_name_three_blacksmiths/
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After his passing...

...his re-released albums will officially be reprince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fwnll/after_his_passing/
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When is my wife's favorite day to make love?

Tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fwnjx/when_is_my_wifes_favorite_day_to_make_love/
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Goodnight

sweet prince

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fwimw/goodnight/
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In honor of HRH on her birthday

A man walks into a London pub clearly beaten down after a rough day. Barkeep gets to talking to him and asks the man what he does.
"I'm the trainer for the Queen's pure breed corgis." the man replies.
"Well that seems like a pretty cushy job, why are you so distraught?" the barkeep asks.
"After so much in-breeding to keep the bloodlines pure, I'm working with some of the stupidest, most stubborn things on Earth." the dog trainer says.
"Ah, I can see how that'd be frustrating."
"You want to know the worst part of it all? The dogs aren't that bright either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fwe9d/in_honor_of_hrh_on_her_birthday/
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My friend David lost his ID...

Now we just call him Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fwa2f/my_friend_david_lost_his_id/
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How is eating a girl out like being a member of the mafia?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fw5cb/how_is_eating_a_girl_out_like_being_a_member_of/
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What do you call sex with a burrito?

Getting chipotlaid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fw1py/what_do_you_call_sex_with_a_burrito/
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I used to think I was indecisive ...

... but now I'm not so sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fvyu5/i_used_to_think_i_was_indecisive/
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So my pen died today...

Unfortunately, it was decapitated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fvuw7/so_my_pen_died_today/
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I read that most accidents happen within a few miles of the house...

...so I moved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fvsgc/i_read_that_most_accidents_happen_within_a_few/
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A trampoline used to be called a jumpoline...

until your mamma got on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fvm99/a_trampoline_used_to_be_called_a_jumpoline/
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What happens when your friend from Prague topples over?

You right a Czech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fvj9d/what_happens_when_your_friend_from_prague_topples/
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A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking weed...

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking marijuana when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey, "What are you smoking?" The monkey says, "Some of the best weed I've ever had, come & try." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they both smoke the marijuana.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and that he's going to get a drink from the river. He climbs down the tree, goes to the river and leans over to get his drink but he's so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard, helping him to the side, then asks, "What's wrong with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree smoking marijuana with a monkey and got too stoned, which caused him to fall into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he's got to check this monkey out and get some too, so off he walks, where he finds the tree and the monkey is still sitting and puffing on his joint.
He looks up and says "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down , rubs his eyes, and says, "FUCK DUDE, how much water did you drink?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fvj7h/a_monkey_is_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_weed/
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I was in denial until her wake...

But then I saw her face... now I'm a bereaver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fvhju/i_was_in_denial_until_her_wake/
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What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady?

But we'll never know, because he can't stand up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fvgdk/what_if_stephen_hawking_is_the_real_slim_shady/
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I recently quit my job as a scuba diving instructor

I couldn't handle the pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fvf04/i_recently_quit_my_job_as_a_scuba_diving/
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Jesus and Moses play Golf

...Moses crushes his drive off the first tee straight up the middle of the fairway. Jesus tees up, takes a big swing at the ball and slices horribly.  The ball bounces off a tree and is about to splash into the creek but a turtle pops up and the ball bounces off his shell into the air where a passing bird grabs it and drops it onto the green where it rolls within a foot of the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says "So...are we gonna golf or we gonna fuck around?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fverx/jesus_and_moses_play_golf/
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A man sees a blonde across the river.

Man: How do I get to the other side?
Blonde: You are on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fve9p/a_man_sees_a_blonde_across_the_river/
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I would never expect to get a penny from a dollar machine.

It just doesn't make cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fve4y/i_would_never_expect_to_get_a_penny_from_a_dollar/
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3 blondes walk into a police station...

...looking for a job as a detective. They meet with the police chief who says "I'm going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."
He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says "He's only got one eye". The police chief responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye."
He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says "He's only got one ear". The police chief again responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear."
He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says "He wears contact lenses." Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says "That's oddly correct. How did you know that?"
The blonde responds, "Well with one eye and one ear, he can't be wearing glasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fv9yz/3_blondes_walk_into_a_police_station/
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Getting in bed

An old couple prepares to go to sleep. The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor?"
The old woman replies, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fv8ys/getting_in_bed/
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What did the Scotsman do to the trumpet plant?

He rooted it oot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fv72b/what_did_the_scotsman_do_to_the_trumpet_plant/
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How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

Call her and tell her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fv1i2/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_scream_while/
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TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport...

The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"
I replied "No, only guns."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fv0th/tifu_by_trying_to_be_witty_at_the_airport/
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When is the appropriate time to kick a midget in the balls?

A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fuzqx/when_is_the_appropriate_time_to_kick_a_midget_in/
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Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights...

It's going to be Excel Lent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fuygp/next_year_ill_give_up_spreadsheets_for_40_days/
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A cardiologist goes to a mechanic

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a
Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take
a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc,
want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over
to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc,
look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any
damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like
new.
So how come I make $39,700 a year and you make $1,700,000 when you and I are
doing basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...
'Try doing it with the engine running'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fuy2h/a_cardiologist_goes_to_a_mechanic/
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If you don't pay your exorcist...

You may get repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fuwbb/if_you_dont_pay_your_exorcist/
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I have a phobia of German sausages...

I fear the Wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fuvkz/i_have_a_phobia_of_german_sausages/
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There's a great deal of tainted money in the world...

It taint yours and it taint mine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fus5a/theres_a_great_deal_of_tainted_money_in_the_world/
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My grandfather's favorite joke....

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where ya left it.
[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]
Edit 2:I decided to show my grandfather this, he LOVED IT he was smiling after I told him people from the Internet liked his joke. He was laughing at all your jokes too (especially the what do you call a dog with no legs one). Thanks guys, it means a lot. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fur1u/my_grandfathers_favorite_joke/
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Three friends die and go to heaven

(Change the names in this if you want to)
Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." The three friends think this is an odd rule, but they agree to it and step in.
The second they enter they realize that the final rule might be harder to follow than they thought. Heaven is TEEMING with ducks! Try as they might, they quickly realize that avoiding the birds is going to be a difficult task. And then it happens, "QUACK!" Friends Two and Three look over in shock as Friend One steps on a duck. Quickly, an angel rushes over with one of the most unattractive people the three of them have ever seen. "Because you stepped on a duck, you are condemned to spend the rest of your time in the Kingdom shackled to this person. Have a good eternity." The angel shackles the two together and flies off.
After seeing what happened to Friend One, the other two are more wary of the consequences and begin treading extremely lightly. The two of them make it another three days before, on the dawn of the fourth day, a loud "QUACK" is heard. Friend Two looks to Friend Three, wide-eyed, fearing the worst. The angel rushes over, ties Friend Two to a hideous being, and flies away.
The third friend, now petrified that this will be his fate, becomes incredibly paranoid, barely walking anywhere. He lasts one week, two weeks, but on the beginning of the third week, an angel brings one of the most stunningly beautiful people the friend has ever seen, shackles the two of them together, and flies off. Bewildered and excited, Friend Three proclaims, "Wow! What did I do to deserve this?" And the person the friend is shackled to turns and replies "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fukij/three_friends_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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What is 6.9?

A great thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fuhbu/what_is_69/
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A man is sitting at the bar...

...and he hears the bartender give the last call. He thinks to himself, this would be an appropriate time to stand up and start making his way home.
He goes to stand up and falls flat on his face.
"That's strange. I can't have possibly had that much to drink." He attempts to stand up a second time. Same result.
"I'll just crawl to the front door and get some fresh air. That ought to sober me up."
The man army crawls all the way to front door, reaches for the handle, pulls himself up, and falls flat on his face out onto the sidewalk.
"This cannot be happening. I only live a couple of blocks from the bar. It looks like I'll have until then to sober up from the crawl."
The man then makes the journey home, crawling his confused self all the way to his front door where he tries to stand up and walk inside. He falls once again just inside the doorway.
"Am I really going to have to crawl all the way upstairs into the bedroom?!"
Sure enough, he makes his way up the stairs, into the bedroom, to the foot of the bed. With one last attempt he gets to his feet, and falls into his bed for the evening.
The next morning the man is awoken by his disgruntled wife.
"I see you were out drinking all night."
Defeated, the man responded, "How did you know?"
"The bar called. You forgot your wheelchair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fugod/a_man_is_sitting_at_the_bar/
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Are you the Proletariat?

Because I feel an uprising in my lower class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fuera/are_you_the_proletariat/
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Rubix cubes are like penises...

The more you play with them, the harder they get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fuef8/rubix_cubes_are_like_penises/
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Did you hear about Prince?

Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ftzr4/did_you_hear_about_prince/
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Where does the 3D shape go when it murders someone?

Prism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ftvuw/where_does_the_3d_shape_go_when_it_murders_someone/
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Why us it not good to have an oily face?

The US might invade it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ftph8/why_us_it_not_good_to_have_an_oily_face/
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How do you find the circumference of a sheep?

Use shepherds pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fto0i/how_do_you_find_the_circumference_of_a_sheep/
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What do you call a group of hot moms in space?

THE MILFY WAY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fthq3/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_hot_moms_in_space/
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An 80 year old man walks into a confessional booth

He tells the priest that he just had a threesome with two 20 year old girls. Father said "I'm glad you confessed, adultery is a sin, and your penance is to say five Hail Maries." The 80 year old replied, "I've never said the Hail Mary, I'm Jewish."
The good father asked, "Then why did you come here to tell me this?"
"I'm 80 years old and just had a threesome," he replied. "I'm telling everyone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ftefd/an_80_year_old_man_walks_into_a_confessional_booth/
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Did you hear what happened to the dildo farmer?

He had a big problem with squatters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ftdco/did_you_hear_what_happened_to_the_dildo_farmer/
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9/11 was an inside job!

10 did it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ftcln/911_was_an_inside_job/
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Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number?

Everytime I call, a machine answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ftafw/do_you_know_if_stephen_hawking_still_has_his_old/
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Tits are like Lego bricks.

They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fstj9/tits_are_like_lego_bricks/
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What do you give a girl that has everything?

Penicillin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fsng8/what_do_you_give_a_girl_that_has_everything/
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What's the difference between pink and purple?

Grip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fsm5f/whats_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
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4 people were about to have sex

I think they were in foursome fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fslg6/4_people_were_about_to_have_sex/
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Why was the powerlifter fired from his job at the restaurant?

He was awesome at cleaning the bar, but he wouldn't stop jerking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fsk4u/why_was_the_powerlifter_fired_from_his_job_at_the/
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A sadist, a rapist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, and a masochist were all sitting together on a park bench...

...The sadist said "hey, I got an idea. Why don't we get a cat and torture it?" The rapist replied "yeah, we can torture it and have sex with it after!" The murder enthusiastically chimed in "and then we kill the thing!" and the necrophiliac added "yeah, and have sex with again after it's dead!" They all nod in agreement, and turn to the masochist, who looks at them all and says "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fseiw/a_sadist_a_rapist_a_murderer_a_necrophiliac_and_a/
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fsegw/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number_she_replied/
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I posed naked for a magazine today

Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fsaow/i_posed_naked_for_a_magazine_today/
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When I went to Australia, I was asked if I had committed any felonies back home...

I hadn't realized that was still a requirement to get in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fs9aq/when_i_went_to_australia_i_was_asked_if_i_had/
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My girlfriend treats me like I'm God

She ignores my existence and doesn't ever speak to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fs7yz/my_girlfriend_treats_me_like_im_god/
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My life is just like Rihanna's new song.

Work work work work work and the rest I can't really understand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fs6bv/my_life_is_just_like_rihannas_new_song/
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Two girls are talking.

The first one says, "I'm going to ask my doctor how many calories there are in sperm."
Her friend says, "Why? If you're swallowing that much, nobody's gonna give a shit if you're a little chubby."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fs3oz/two_girls_are_talking/
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A family walks into a hotel

The father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fs2rw/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fs0vq/a_man_was_sunbathing_naked_at_the_beach/
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?

He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fs0sd/what_does_a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac_do_at/
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Ten bucks says you won't do it.

So this man walks into a bar, and notices a large jar on the counter stuffed with cash. He orders a drink, and he asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the jar?"
The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, complete the challenge, and you win the jar."
"So what's the challenge?"
"Sorry mate, that's not how it works, you have to pay to find out."
Curious, he agrees and gives the bartender ten dollars.
The bartender pull a large bottle of pepper tequila out and places it on the counter.
"Ok, so you have to chug this entire bottle of liquor and not vomit. After that, the biggest, meanest pit bull you ever seen in your life is out back. He's got a sore tooth and you have to pull it out. Lastly, there's a ninety year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You have to make things right before she dies."
Frustrated, the man yells, "Fuck that! No one's stupid enough to do any of that!"
"Well, that's why the jar has so much money in it."
After a few hours of drinking, the man comes back to the bar really drunk and says, "Fuck it, is my money still good for that challenge?"
The bartender informs him that it is and brings out the bottle of tequila.
The man chugs the entire bottle of tequila, and slams the bottle down with a wince on his face.
He stands up and walks out the back door. Immediately, the bar hears the dog's barking and the man yelling in pain. About thirty minutes later, it quiets down.
Everyone in the bar is wondering if they should get up and check to see if the man is ok. Right before the bartender could finish telling someone to go check, the man comes bursting in the door, barely standing, clothes ripped, and bloody as hell.
Everyone asks him if he's ok, and walks straight up to the bartender and drunkenly says, "Now where's the woman with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fs0le/ten_bucks_says_you_wont_do_it/
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What animal can only survive in temperate climates?

A lukeworm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4frxk1/what_animal_can_only_survive_in_temperate_climates/
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Three Germans were sitting in a bar telling jokes about WWII.

They lost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4frvp5/three_germans_were_sitting_in_a_bar_telling_jokes/
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There's a knock at the door...

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4frnlh/theres_a_knock_at_the_door/
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I wouldn't say I hate my dad...

But I can't deny he's a real motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4frjyl/i_wouldnt_say_i_hate_my_dad/
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In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A — G and P — Z.

The problem’s H to O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4frhqv/in_flint_michigan_students_have_no_difficulty/
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If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile

Would it be called Alien vs Predator?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4frgej/if_an_illegal_immigrant_got_into_a_fight_with_a/
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How is learning to ride a bicycle and 9/11 alike?

Because you never forget!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4frffh/how_is_learning_to_ride_a_bicycle_and_911_alike/
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An Italian guy goes up to his neighbor and says,

"Ey, Tony, you like-a woman with-a big, sloppy tits, that droop-a down this-a far?"
Tony says, "No."
He says, "You like-a woman with-a big huge ass like a dump truck?"
Tony says, "Hell no."
He says, "You like-a woman with-a big, thick-a moustache and she's a smell like garlic all the time?"
Tony says, "Of course not."
He says, "Then why you fuck-a my wife?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4frdti/an_italian_guy_goes_up_to_his_neighbor_and_says/
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A woman was masturbating furiously on the subway

The police were going to arrest her, but she got off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4frd0u/a_woman_was_masturbating_furiously_on_the_subway/
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I like my women like Hawaii...

Warm, wet, and Asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4frcb9/i_like_my_women_like_hawaii/
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What is DNA short for?

National Dyslexics Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fr6wi/what_is_dna_short_for/
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A DEA officer walks on to ranch in Texas...

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fr2l7/a_dea_officer_walks_on_to_ranch_in_texas/
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What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fqxps/what_does_bill_clinton_say_to_hillary_after_sex/
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What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A roamin' catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fqx53/what_do_you_call_a_sleep_walking_nun/
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I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill"

Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fquu2/i_was_invited_to_a_party_and_was_told_dress_to/
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Johnny, Billy and Jimmy are discussing girls at their high school.

Johnny said, “Mindy Carlson let me kiss her in the playground after Math—she’s one of the greats.”
“That’s nothing,” said Billy, “Madison let me kiss her with tongues in the gym after Chemistry—she’s a Hall-of-Fame-girl.”
Little Jimmy just shook his head. “You know Becca Sampson? She’ll go down in history.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fqss5/johnny_billy_and_jimmy_are_discussing_girls_at/
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Who was the chicken's favorite musician?

Bach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fqowl/who_was_the_chickens_favorite_musician/
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What did the mouse say when his cheese was stolen?

Rats!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fqoqb/what_did_the_mouse_say_when_his_cheese_was_stolen/
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How does Hitler separate his juice?

By concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fqlrm/how_does_hitler_separate_his_juice/
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Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.
He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.
The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer explained as best he could, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle on top, that's a 'post turtle.'
The doctor remained puzzled. The farmer continued further.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him there to begin with."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fqjtm/post_turtles/
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What do the french call 4/20?

80

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fqfi6/what_do_the_french_call_420/
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Lies

A clergyman was walking down the street and before long stumbled across a group of young boys surrounding a cat.
The clergyman decides to go over to the boys and ask what they're doing. The oldest boy pipes up and says "we found this stray kitten, and I want to take it home. The problem is that Charlie also wants the cat, so we're having a contest to see who can tell the biggest lie. The winner gets to take the cat home."
The clergyman is shocked, and launches into a long-winded sermon about the evils of lying, beginning with "Boys, you shouldn't have a lying contest, for lying is a sin!" and ending with, "When I was a boy your age, I never lied!"
After he finished, the boys were silent for a moment.
Just as the clergyman was beginning to think he had made an impression, the oldest boy looked to Charlie and the rest of the boys and said "Alright, give him the cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fqdqu/lies/
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Anyone remember the Boxer rebellion?

Thank god it was only for a brief moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fqbqb/anyone_remember_the_boxer_rebellion/
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When midgets celebrate 4/20...

Do they get high, or just get medium?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fq9v4/when_midgets_celebrate_420/
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When is the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth-Hurty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fq8gk/when_is_the_best_time_to_go_to_the_dentist/
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Now that Harriet Tubman is on the $20 bill

I hear it will only be worth $15.80

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fq6ux/now_that_harriet_tubman_is_on_the_20_bill/
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We're having a Jamaican hair day at work tomorrow

I'm dreading it already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fq2hz/were_having_a_jamaican_hair_day_at_work_tomorrow/
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I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill...

They can finally legally own a black person again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fptm8/i_dont_see_why_racists_are_upset_with_harriet/
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Harriet Tubman will replace Andrew Jackson on the new $20 bill...

Unfortunately those bills will only be worth $12 now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fpn0i/harriet_tubman_will_replace_andrew_jackson_on_the/
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I was in Asda earlier...

this thick bitch was on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a half eaten waffle.
I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change.
"£1.03 please"
"Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a £20 note.
Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face.
"I've got nothing, if that helps," I replied...
she didn't get it so I thought fuck it, I'll pay by card.
"Shall I pay by card?" I asked.
"Don't do me no favours," she snapped.
I kept my cool and just put my PIN in.
"Cash back?" she asked sarcastically.
I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fpelj/i_was_in_asda_earlier/
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Telling a girl she has nice hair is not sexual harassment

Unless you're a dwarf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fpe3d/telling_a_girl_she_has_nice_hair_is_not_sexual/
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They called it the Fiddle Motel.....

....but it was a vile inn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fpdu8/they_called_it_the_fiddle_motel/
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Ice fishing

One day, in the middle of winter, a man decides he wants to go ice fishing.  So he gets his gear and goes out to the nearest piece of ice he can find and begins setting up.  Just as he is about to put his drill to the ice, however, he hears a voice calling from the distance, "there's no fish there!"
He looks around, and can't see anyone, but the voice calls again "there's no fish there!"
Fortunate to not have wasted his time, the man takes the voice at it's word and sets out to find another spot.  So he walks around on the ice for a bit before he finds another spot, and just before he would drill into the ice the voice comes again, "there's no fish there!"
A third time the man goes walking, finds another spot, and just as he's about to drill the voice calls one more time, "There's no fish there!"
The man looks around again, and yells back "god, is that you?"
"No," the voice yells replies, "I'm the manager of the hockey rink!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fp8y9/ice_fishing/
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"Officer, what can you tell us about the break in at the bakery today?"

"Man I've seen all kinds of thieves in my career, but this one takes the cake"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fp8xf/officer_what_can_you_tell_us_about_the_break_in/
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I don't always roll a joint...

But when I do it's my ankle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fp5q6/i_dont_always_roll_a_joint/
%
Police arrested two kids

yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fp56e/police_arrested_two_kids/
%
''My God! What happened to you?'

' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''
''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''
''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''
''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''
''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fp531/my_god_what_happened_to_you/
%
I really thought Monica Lewinsky should be on a dollar..

but she's already had her face on a Bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fp3kv/i_really_thought_monica_lewinsky_should_be_on_a/
%
I once tried to overdose on Viagra.

It was the hardest time of my life..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fp354/i_once_tried_to_overdose_on_viagra/
%
An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise

when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fp2m1/an_old_farmer_is_sitting_on_his_front_porch/
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Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown ,

a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners......When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'
'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown ?"
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office.
Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?'
The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"
"It me," replies the old man.
"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland .."
Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?"
He say, "Moishe Plotnik."
Then she look at me and say, "What your name?"
I say,"Sam Ting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fp0hg/walking_through_san_francisco_s_chinatown/
%
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf...

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4folog/its_saturday_morning_and_johns_just_about_to_set/
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What is the area at the Danish/German border called?

The DaneGer zone!
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fok5p/what_is_the_area_at_the_danishgerman_border_called/
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Sleepy Juror in a Rape Trial

The plaintiff's lawyer calls his client to the stand.
Lawyer: "Would you please tell the jury what your attacker said to you, just before he raped you?"
Woman: "Oh, I couldn't. It was filthy."
Lawyer: "How about if you just write down, so you don't have to say it out loud, and we'll show it to the jury?"
The woman complies and writes down on a piece of paper what her attacker had said: "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before."
The bailiff hands the note to the foreman, and the note is passed from person to person among the jury. Juror #6, a woman in her mid twenties, starts to hand the note to the Juror #7, who has fallen asleep. She elbows him awake and give him the note. He reads the note and then sticks it in his shirt pocket.
The judge says, "Juror #7, would you please share that note with the rest of the jury?"
The man responds, "It's personal, your honor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4foixf/sleepy_juror_in_a_rape_trial/
%
A tall Mexican is riding his bike across the border when stopped by border patrol...

The officer stopped him asked him a few questions.
Officer: Are you smuggling anything into the country?
Tall Mexican: Ches.
The officer searched him and did not find any cheese. After a few more questions the tall Mexican was bussed back to Mexico.
The next week the same thing happened.
Officer: Are you smuggling anything into the country?
Tall Mexican: Ches.
Again the officer did not find any cheese, drugs, or anything else on him; so they let the tall Mexican go. Again, he was bussed back to Mexico.
For three years this happened every Tuesday. Finally the officer retired, and wanted to know how the tall Mexican was smuggling cheese across the border. He waited on the next Tuesday for the tall Mexican. When the tall Mexican arrived, he asked him:
Officer: Are you smuggling anything into the country? It's ok if you tell me; I'm retired and can't arrest you.
Tall Mexican: Ches. I've been smuggling bicycles for 3 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fohdb/a_tall_mexican_is_riding_his_bike_across_the/
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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4focvr/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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I have daily sex

Sorry, I mean, dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4foca4/i_have_daily_sex/
%
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies
of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian
anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on
his knees in a crumpled posture.  His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of
the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.The aged
and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when
it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.....
"Don't touch!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4foaco/an_elderly_italian_man_lay_dying_in_his_bed/
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Buying Condoms....

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"
"Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know," he replies.
"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Some time later, a eighteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"
"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know," he says nervously.
"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fo9uj/buying_condoms/
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Dating Women is like squaring Numbers

If they're under 16, do it in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fo7ik/dating_women_is_like_squaring_numbers/
%
If Hilary and Trump were to be stranded on an island, who would survive?

America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fo70j/if_hilary_and_trump_were_to_be_stranded_on_an/
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A man deposits $1,000 cash into his bank account every day

The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like to see him. The manager, who sits in a giant glass office on the bank floor, welcomes the man and then asks him how he gets $1,000 to put in every day. The man tells him "well, I make a lot of bets and that's where all the money is from." The manager doesn't believe how he can make all that money just by betting, so the man says "okay then, I bet you $1,000 I can bite my eye."
"bullshit! That's impossible." Says the manager, and places $1,000 on the table.
The man takes out his glass eye, bites it, and takes the money. "Okay, that's not fair to you. You didn't know I had a glass eye. I bet you double that I can bite my ear!" The manager thinks that it's impossible and is desperate to make his money back. "Deal."
The man then takes out his dentures and bites his ear. The manager is embarrassed and upset he's lost all that money on a stupid bet. The man notices this and says "Okay, you seem upset. I'll make it up to you fair and square. Tomorrow I'll come back and I bet you $5,000 I can guess what color underwear you're wearing."
The manager thinks this over and sees that there's no way the man will be able to guess and agrees. He later goes shopping for the craziest, most colorful pair of underwear he can find. The next day, the man is back in the manager's office. The manager goes "Alright then, try and guess what color I'm wearing. I'm more than certain that you'll never be able to."
"White." The man says.
The manager jumps up, takes the money, and yelps "AHA! WRONG!" and pulls down his pants to reveal rainbow colored underwear.
The man jumps up and yelps "AHA! I WIN!"
The manager is confused and says "what are you talking about? You guessed wrong and lost the bet."
"Yeah, I lost that bet. But I also bet all your employees out there watching that I could get you to pull down your pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fo122/a_man_deposits_1000_cash_into_his_bank_account/
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What do you call a laughing labradoodle?

A snickerdoodle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fnvbf/what_do_you_call_a_laughing_labradoodle/
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What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Donald Trump's tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fnu72/whats_18_inches_long_and_hangs_in_front_of_an/
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I started dating a psychiatrist.

Now I'm afraid of commitment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fntt4/i_started_dating_a_psychiatrist/
%
Even though the nurse who performed my circumcision did a bad job...

I still left her a tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fnt93/even_though_the_nurse_who_performed_my/
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What do you get when you cross 2 ducks and a match?

Fire Quackers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fnpo1/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_2_ducks_and_a_match/
%
Why does Ariel wear seashells?

Because she can't fit into D shells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fno8u/why_does_ariel_wear_seashells/
%
What will people say when Prince Charles dies?

Long live the Queen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fnlyy/what_will_people_say_when_prince_charles_dies/
%
My Lecturer asked me why i was failing my class

"Is it ignorance or apathy?", he said.
Honestly, I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fngcf/my_lecturer_asked_me_why_i_was_failing_my_class/
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I hear Clark Kent is quite the overprotective father.

His children are under constant supervision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fnetu/i_hear_clark_kent_is_quite_the_overprotective/
%
What does a new Tesla car smells like?

Elon Musk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fn60j/what_does_a_new_tesla_car_smells_like/
%
There are two types of people in this world.

Those that need closure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fn5zl/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
(Stolen Joke) An atheist and christian are sitting in a bar

The christian asks, "So how come you don't embrace Jesus?"
The atheist says, "You've got it wrong. I love Jesus!"
He goes on, "It's his fan club I can't stand!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fn05b/stolen_joke_an_atheist_and_christian_are_sitting/
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John wins best toast of the night

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fmwyi/john_wins_best_toast_of_the_night/
%
Yesterday I got dared to have surgery that prevented me from moving my neck...

There's no turning back now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fmszq/yesterday_i_got_dared_to_have_surgery_that/
%
If only the first rule of Vegan club

Was not to talk about Vegan club

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fmnqh/if_only_the_first_rule_of_vegan_club/
%
I have a vegan girlfriend...

and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fmly4/i_have_a_vegan_girlfriend/
%
What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies?

A well educated Barista

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fmll7/what_do_you_call_someone_who_does_a_ba_in_arts_a/
%
There hasn't really been any natural disasters lately

Even the mudslides have gone downhill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fme3i/there_hasnt_really_been_any_natural_disasters/
%
It's an old joke, but I said it to my kids and their friends and they went hysterical

A plane carries 500 bricks. 1 falls out. How many bricks are left?
499.
How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
Open the fridge, put in the elephant, and close the fridge.
How do you put a deer in a fridge in 4 steps?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the deer, then close the fridge.
The Lion King is having a party. All the animals are there except for one; who is it?
The deer: He is still in the fridge.
An old lady is crossing a swamp, but it is a crocodile swamp. How does she cross? Normally, all the crocodiles are at the Lion King's party
Mary dies at the edge of the swamp. How?
A brick falls from the sky and kills her.
Knock knock Who's there?
Not Mary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fmcx9/its_an_old_joke_but_i_said_it_to_my_kids_and/
%
A woman is just like a condom.

If she's not on your dick, she's in your wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fm9y3/a_woman_is_just_like_a_condom/
%
I celebrate 4/20

On 1/5
Simplify your fractions!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fm6ua/i_celebrate_420/
%
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner

“How much for that TV set in the window?”
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, “I don’t sell stuff to potheads.” So the stoner tells the owner that he’ll quit smoking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, “I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?”
And the owner says, “I told you I don’t sell to potheads!” So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, “How much for that TV?”
The owner says, “I’m not going to tell you again, I don’t sell to potheads!!!”
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, “How can you tell I’m a pothead?”
The owner looks back and says, “Because that’s a microwave
HAPPY 4-20

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4flvhb/a_stoner_walks_into_an_appliance_store_and_asks/
%
Two fish are in a tank

One of them says "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4flv5m/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
it's hard to retire if you are in the tire business

it seems like you have more work to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4flofm/its_hard_to_retire_if_you_are_in_the_tire_business/
%
A Chinese guy comes into the pub

, stands next to me and starts drinking.
I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts like Kung Fu, Ju Jitsu, or Karate?".
He say, "Why da fuk you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinese?".
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my fucking beer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4flobv/a_chinese_guy_comes_into_the_pub/
%
Went to shave my beard but decided not to, the longer I keep it, the more it grows on me.

Sure this is old but actually thought this the other day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4flkcx/went_to_shave_my_beard_but_decided_not_to_the/
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So the American people's choices for President of the United States will most likely be Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton.

That's it. That's the joke. There is no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4flgfn/so_the_american_peoples_choices_for_president_of/
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A sadist walks up to a masochist...

The masochist says "hurt me".
The sadist says "no".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4flfwd/a_sadist_walks_up_to_a_masochist/
%
What's the name for a person that only gives massages to men?

A massagonist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4flfqd/whats_the_name_for_a_person_that_only_gives/
%
What does John Cena wash his hair with?

Champ who?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fle5b/what_does_john_cena_wash_his_hair_with/
%
My buddy David lost his id

so now I just call him Dave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fld7k/my_buddy_david_lost_his_id/
%
A romance had begun to bloom between two nursing home patients ...

... and one day, when they were both feeling particularly frisky, the couple went back to the old woman's room and closed the door behind them.
The two began to kiss -- softly at first, but then things began to get more passionate.
The old woman began to breathe very heavily, encouraging the old man, so he began to untie her gown. It fell to the floor as the kissing grew even hotter. By now, the old woman was breathing even more heavily. The old man removed her bra and continued to kiss her deeply.
Gasping for air, the old woman said, "Stop! Stop!"
A bit hard of hearing, the old man continued kissing her neck until she finally yelled "STOP!" directly into his ear. "What? What's the matter?" he asked.
"The doctor says I have acute angina."
"I sure hope so," the old man replied, "because your tits look like hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fl5tc/a_romance_had_begun_to_bloom_between_two_nursing/
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What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fl31f/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fl0o5/i_tried_to_catch_fog_yesterday/
%
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’
Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’
Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?
‘Nope’ she replies.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Bert yells.
To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fl0fp/an_elderly_couple_margaret_and_bert_live_in/
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What did the pirate say when he walked into the brothel?

arggg! thar she blows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fkzuz/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_walked_into_the/
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Heard this on the radio... told many times, but probably my favorite joke.

One morning before daybreak, Little Johnny scatters out onto the front porch with a handful of duck tape. He's stopped by his grandfather, who rests comfortably on an old rocking chair... his usual morning leisure. The grandfather notices the duck tape...
&nbsp;
"Whatcha doin' with that duck tape, boy?"
The boy answers, "Gonna catch me some ducks of course."
He skips along and the old man chuckles himself back into his chair... "That boy's a damn fool..." he mutters, "... a damn fool."
&nbsp;
But low and behold, three hours later, the old man bites his words. The boy did return and under each arm were two, young ducklings. The old man is bewildered. "Welp, you proved me wrong son! Shame on me to doubt my own grandson."
&nbsp;
Next day, just before sunrise, same thing happens again. Little Johnny runs out of the house with a bundle of chicken wire.
&nbsp;
"What do you have this time? Chicken wire?" says the old man, "You gonna catch some chickens?"
&nbsp;
"I'm gonna try!" says the boy. And he scurries along into the fields.
&nbsp;
Times goes on and dusk approaches. The old man gets worried as Little Johnny hasn't returned in many hours. Suddenly, through the fallows, he sees a dozen chickens running towards the house, followed by a twelve year old boy with a handful of chickens. "That son of a bitch did it!" says the old man.
Well, on the last day... boy comes out of the house again with a brown paper bag filled with items unknown.
&nbsp;
"Oh boy, what do you have there now!"
"Pussywillow!" says the boy.
The old man jolts up and shouts, "Hold on let me get my hat I'm coming with ya'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fkxmf/heard_this_on_the_radio_told_many_times_but/
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I got two packs o' sugar...

Call me Two Canes
^I'm ^sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fkuw6/i_got_two_packs_o_sugar/
%
Reddit is like a brand new, shiny penny...

It's fun to look at but completely worthless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fkqnp/reddit_is_like_a_brand_new_shiny_penny/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fkn2a/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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First Blowjob

A man walks into a bar downtrodden but well dressed.
He asks the bartender for six shots. "OK if that's what you want"
He then asks the bartender for another six shots and this time
The bartender asks, "Why? Why so much?"
The man shook his head and said "First blowjob today."
"Well that's great, why so sad?," said the bartender.
"I just can't get this taste out of my mouth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fkm2t/first_blowjob/
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I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fkldb/im_writing_a_book_called_stop_overreacting/
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I had a rough childhood. I couldn't play with toys that required supervision

I only had regular vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fkku0/i_had_a_rough_childhood_i_couldnt_play_with_toys/
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Did you hear about the statistician that drowned?

Apparently he tried crossing a river with an average depth of 4 feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fkid3/did_you_hear_about_the_statistician_that_drowned/
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I told a riddle to a double amputee once

Boy did it leave him stumped

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fkdgu/i_told_a_riddle_to_a_double_amputee_once/
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What do you call a gay Jew?

He-blew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fkc21/what_do_you_call_a_gay_jew/
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I was burgled last night, someone stole all my documents.

I was de-filed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fk9c0/i_was_burgled_last_night_someone_stole_all_my/
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Which historical invention was the most revolutionary?

The wheel :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fk4wc/which_historical_invention_was_the_most/
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I don't see how anyone could be against birth control.

It's just inconceivable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fk2ev/i_dont_see_how_anyone_could_be_against_birth/
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How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buck 'n ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fjuj0/how_much_did_the_pirate_pay_to_get_his_ears/
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The best thing about gay bars

is that if someone turns their back to you it's not necessarily a bad thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fjsgb/the_best_thing_about_gay_bars/
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This person told me "When pigs fly I'll get my kid vaccinated!"

Alas, swine flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fjp3k/this_person_told_me_when_pigs_fly_ill_get_my_kid/
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Rick astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection of Pixar films except one.

He's never going to give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fjor9/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
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What's the one thing you need to know in order to make money on the stock market AND not have kids without using condoms?

The right time to pull out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fjkqo/whats_the_one_thing_you_need_to_know_in_order_to/
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My Grandpa said to me the other day, "Your generation relies too much on technology"

I replied, " no your generation relies too much on technology" then I unplugged his life support. Stupid asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fjit8/my_grandpa_said_to_me_the_other_day_your/
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A man walks up to a girl in a bar and says

"You remind me of my little toe" .
She says, "Is that because I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No, its because I'm going to bang you on the table later"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fjgng/a_man_walks_up_to_a_girl_in_a_bar_and_says/
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How does a handwriting analyst determine how his lover is feeling?

He looks into his lover's 'I's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fjflv/how_does_a_handwriting_analyst_determine_how_his/
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Cheryl is very unsatisfied with the size of her breasts...

Cheryl is very unsatisfied with the size of her breasts but is unable to afford the augmentation surgery. Fortunately, a friend tells her about a doctor that has developed a method for enlargement that doesn't require surgery and happens to be very affordable.
During the examination, the doctor tells her "Every morning when you wake up, rub your nipples in a counter-clockwise direction while intoning 'Ooby-dooby-dooby, I want bigger boobies' and you will grow a bust size every week."
Not having anything to lose, she begins the treatment and starts to see dramatic results! However, one morning she is running late and has to dash out of the house to catch the bus to work. Realizing she forgot to perform her morning ritual, she turns to the side and quietly intones ^'Ooby-dooby-dooby, ^I ^want ^bigger ^boobies'.
The man sitting next to her taps her on the shoulder and says, "I'm sorry, miss, but I couldn't help but overhear. You wouldn't happen to be a patient of Doctor Melnick, would you?"
A bit flustered, she admits that she is. "But how could you know that?" she asks?
With a slight grin, the man reaches down to his lap and says, "Hickory-dickory dock..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fjaso/cheryl_is_very_unsatisfied_with_the_size_of_her/
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Womb is pronounced 'woom' and tomb as 'toom'

So the fact that bomb is pronounced 'bawm'
makes my head go fucking *boom*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fj9mg/womb_is_pronounced_woom_and_tomb_as_toom/
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What did the hammer announce over the intercom to the evacuating screws screaming for help?

"This is not a drill!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fj817/what_did_the_hammer_announce_over_the_intercom_to/
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A nude man walks into a doctor's office.

A nude man walks into a doctor's office wrapped in Cellophane from head to toe.
The doctor says, "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fj4zg/a_nude_man_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
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Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because he couldn't get his cock out of the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fix16/why_did_the_pervert_cross_the_road/
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A guy is tied to the mast of a pirate ship

The captain is going to make him walk the plank.
'Any last words?' Asks the captain.
'No, but I have a few questions' replies the captured sailor.
'Very well' says the pirate 'ask away.'
"Well, I was wondering how you ended up with a peg leg' says the sailor.
"I got thrown overboard, and a shark took me leg' says the pirate.
'Well what about your arm? How did you end up with the hook?' Says the sailor.
'I went to block a slash from an enemy cutlass, and lost me arm' replies the pirate.
'Well what about your eye? Why do you now wear a patch?' Ask the sailor.
'I was shouting orders to the crow's nest one day, and a bird shit in me eye' says the pirate
"How did birdshit take out your eye?' Ask the sailor.
"Aye, it was me first day with the hook' said the pirate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fiwz7/a_guy_is_tied_to_the_mast_of_a_pirate_ship/
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How does it feel to be out of coffee?

Depresso.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fiuli/how_does_it_feel_to_be_out_of_coffee/
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I love Taco Bell so much that I even enjoy being *asked* what style of tacos I want...

I get hard every time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fitd0/i_love_taco_bell_so_much_that_i_even_enjoy_being/
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Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fit9s/q_how_do_you_make_five_pounds_of_fat_look_good/
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I recently had sex with a biologist at her laboratory.

I don't like to brag, but she had multiple organisms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fiosp/i_recently_had_sex_with_a_biologist_at_her/
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My wife says it's time I stop pretending to be The Karate Kid.

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fijwa/my_wife_says_its_time_i_stop_pretending_to_be_the/
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What do you call sandpaper on fire?

Bernie Sanders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ficjl/what_do_you_call_sandpaper_on_fire/
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I'm not a fan of Trump, but I'd never denigrate his supporters

If you're a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fi8vl/im_not_a_fan_of_trump_but_id_never_denigrate_his/
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What's a blind person's least favorite theme park?

Seaworld

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fi2iz/whats_a_blind_persons_least_favorite_theme_park/
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I just summarized the jokes I liked best in a recent Askreddit thread. Have fun!

I hope that's fitting in the Subreddit. If not, leave a downvote please.
-Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.
-I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings - its a complex complex complex.
-I have an L shaped couch... Lower case.
-I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
-A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
-I, for one, like Roman numerals.
-You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
-I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it was just collecting dust.
-I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.
-Am I the only one who realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable?
-I told a woman that she painted her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
-so what if I can't spell Armageddon, it's not the end of the world.
-Inspecting mirrors is a job I could easily see myself doing.
-You know, the shovel really was a ground-breaking invention.
-A dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
-The guy who invented autocorrect has died… restaurant in Piece
-light a fire for a man and he'll be warm for a night, light the man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
-Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they take everything literally.
-Dwarves and midgets have very little in common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fi1z9/i_just_summarized_the_jokes_i_liked_best_in_a/
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A dog goes into a telegraph office

, takes a blank form, and writes: “Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof, Woof.”
The clerk examines the paper and politely tells the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The dog looks confused and replies, “But that would make no sense at all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhy25/a_dog_goes_into_a_telegraph_office/
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Jesus, my local time travel club postponed their meeting again..

Now its last week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhwfm/jesus_my_local_time_travel_club_postponed_their/
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For me sex is like a game

singleplayer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhw4i/for_me_sex_is_like_a_game/
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My dicks only 3 inches......

But smells like a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhumj/my_dicks_only_3_inches/
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Since puzzle jokes are the theme of the week, here's how I first heard this one: a half-dozen blondes walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer.

The bartender brings out a pitcher.&nbsp; The blondes pour themselves a round, raise their glasses, shout "TWENTY-SIX DAYS!", clink their glasses together and drain them.
They order another pitcher.&nbsp; The bartender brings  it out.&nbsp; The blondes pour again, raise their glasses, shout "TWENTY-SIX DAYS!", clink their glasses together and drain them.
They order another pitcher.&nbsp; The bartender brings it out, and asks, "What is it you ladies are celebrating here?"&nbsp; One of the blondes replies "We finished a jigsaw puzzle that said 4-6 years, and we did it in JUST TWENTY-SIX DAYS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhr91/since_puzzle_jokes_are_the_theme_of_the_week/
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What do you call a group of lions that is homosexual?

Gay pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhqzy/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_lions_that_is/
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A cabbie and a priest are at the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter invites the cabbie and the priest into his golf cart, to show them to their new residences. Although the cab driver had spent his life speeding, drinking and scamming, he was dropped off at a beautiful lakefront mansion.
Seeing this, the priest thought to himself: "if that's where he's ending up, I can't wait to see the place a good man of God like me will end up!" (he was a genuinely good man, no nonsense)
St. Peter kept driving, down a beaten path, deep into the forest. Arriving at a campsite with a small tent, St. Peter told the priest that this is where he would spend eternity.
In shock, the priest demanded an explanation: "Why would the cabbie, a sinful idiot, end up with a beautiful cottage, and me, a humble priest, servant of God, end up in a tent?!"
"Well", said St. Peter, "while people were listening to your sermon at church, they were sleeping. While people were driving in that man's cab, they were praying!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhpld/a_cabbie_and_a_priest_are_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
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Lazy Dad

I was shopping in Tesco with my Daughter earlier & she turned around and said "Your such a lazy bastard dad"
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhmiy/lazy_dad/
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Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?

Son: I just wanted to clear my doubt. I asked her a valid question for which she had no answer, so she took out her frustration by being violent.
Dad : What was the question?
Son: I asked her why 'bra' is singular when it covers two things & 'panties' plural when it covers only one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhiz6/dad_why_did_the_grammar_teacher_slap_you_today/
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How do you start a racist joke?

With a look over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhi6v/how_do_you_start_a_racist_joke/
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I've never owned a telescope...

But it's something I'm thinking of looking into

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhi0f/ive_never_owned_a_telescope/
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What do men who receive compressed porn files do when they are alone?

They unzip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhh38/what_do_men_who_receive_compressed_porn_files_do/
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A news reporter introduces his new co-worker on air

This Justin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhdpz/a_news_reporter_introduces_his_new_coworker_on_air/
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Where do robo-babies come from?

From the computerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhbie/where_do_robobabies_come_from/
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My brothers and I were carrying my dad's casket...

My dad recently passed away due to pneumonia. Naturally, my brothers and I were paul bearers at his funeral. The funeral home was up on a hill with a busy road leading down into the valley. As we were carrying his casket out of the hearse, it slipped out of our hands and begin to tumble downhill. We started to chase after it, but it was moving too fast to stop it. On the way down the hill I ran into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist "Do you have something to stop this coffin?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fhb3d/my_brothers_and_i_were_carrying_my_dads_casket/
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I plan to leave this world the same way I entered it

Naked, screaming, and covered in blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fh9sk/i_plan_to_leave_this_world_the_same_way_i_entered/
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This was Actually Said..

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fh9ef/this_was_actually_said/
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I think my intelligence is beyond of an average human

I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and at the back of the box it says 2-4 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fh8ru/i_think_my_intelligence_is_beyond_of_an_average/
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Reddit is like a shiny new penny

It's fun to look at but completely worthless :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fh81c/reddit_is_like_a_shiny_new_penny/
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What's Hitler's least favorite planet?

Jewpiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fh6ql/whats_hitlers_least_favorite_planet/
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Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a kid?

Cause i ran into him the other day and he was asking about you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fh61b/do_you_remember_blowing_bubbles_when_you_were_a/
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Story of my life

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fh4xw/story_of_my_life/
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I found a good bread recipe where you don't have to get your hands messy from mixing it

The bread was kneadless, to say

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fh46w/i_found_a_good_bread_recipe_where_you_dont_have/
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Why did the tomato blush?

It saw the salad dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fh1s6/why_did_the_tomato_blush/
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What do you call a balding Native American?

A patchy..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fgz31/what_do_you_call_a_balding_native_american/
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A man is asked to build a fence.

One day a man needed to have a fence built at his house.
He talked to the carpenter and explained how he wanted his new fence to circle property, in the shape of a 'D', when viewed from above. The carpenter said "Sure, no problem. I can have it done for you in a couple of days".
The man returned two days later to inspect his new fence. But when he saw it he was pissed, it was the wrong shape.
"What the fuck is wrong with you!" he said. "I told you to build it in the shape of a letter 'D'!. This is the shape of an 'O'!".
The carpenter turned to the man and said, "Well, you know what they say. The best 'D' fence is a good 'O' fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fgvpv/a_man_is_asked_to_build_a_fence/
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There's no I in team

But there are quite a few of them in Multiple Personality Disorder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fgtco/theres_no_i_in_team/
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A tourist asks a Scottish villager

"Do you have a local attraction?"
"We used to- he answers- but she got married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fgj1e/a_tourist_asks_a_scottish_villager/
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How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know, but it's not five, because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fghpm/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Elephants never forget

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. It wasn't the same elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fg5h0/elephants_never_forget/
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I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fg5gb/i_am_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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What do you call a person in the White House who is honest, intelligent, and law-abiding?

A tourist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fg50q/what_do_you_call_a_person_in_the_white_house_who/
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PSA: Please don't call them dwarves...

It's not the proper gnomenclature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fg2tu/psa_please_dont_call_them_dwarves/
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What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?

Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fg0ar/what_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest_and/
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced it with,but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fftdz/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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My new years resolution is the same as last year.

1920x1080

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ffrjl/my_new_years_resolution_is_the_same_as_last_year/
%
St. George the Dragon Slayer rides up to a huge cave

"Come out, Dragon, and fight me!" he shouts into the cave. But there is no response.
"Come out, and fight me to the death" he shouts even louder. Still no response. And the cave stinks absolutely awfully.
"Come out, you cowardly worm," shouts St. George one more time at the top of his lungs, "and fight me!"
The voice of the dragon booms from somewhere up above: "OK, I'll be right there. Why do you have to scream up my ass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ffqtl/st_george_the_dragon_slayer_rides_up_to_a_huge/
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"Yes, I have reservations, but I'll eat here anyway."

- my dad to every hostess ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ffj10/yes_i_have_reservations_but_ill_eat_here_anyway/
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I took my grandson camping

On the drive to the camp spot, I lit up a cigar. He looks at me and asks "Can I try a puff?" I replied "Well, let me ask you something, can your dick touch your asshole?" He shook his head. "Then ya ain't old enough.
During camp setup I cracked open a beer. He asks if he can have one too. "Well, let me ask you again, can your dick touch your asshole?" Again he shook his head. "Then ya ain't old enough" I tell him again.
After dinner, sitting by the camp fire, he brings out some nice looking chocolate chip cookies. I asked him for one and he says "Grandpa, now let me ask you. Can your dick touch your asshole?" "You're god damned right it can!" I replied. "Good, go fuck yourself, mom made these for me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ffhr6/i_took_my_grandson_camping/
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I like my women like i like my toilet paper.

Soft, but not weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ffh31/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_toilet_paper/
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My wife told me I needed to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ffg3u/my_wife_told_me_i_needed_to_stop_singing/
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Why does Elton John play the piano?

Because he sucks on an organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fff1r/why_does_elton_john_play_the_piano/
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How do you make a 4D printer?

Just take a 3D printer and give it some time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ffczy/how_do_you_make_a_4d_printer/
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Why did the fly fly?

Because the spider spied her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ffbyj/why_did_the_fly_fly/
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Lets go to the symphony

Beethoven: You guys want some symphonies tonight!?
Crowd: **cheers loudly**
Beethoven: I can't hear you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ffa99/lets_go_to_the_symphony/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fezyr/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's a trick question. Feminists haven't changed anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fexu2/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I'm a British real estate agent

I only drink propertea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fev9c/im_a_british_real_estate_agent/
%
What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all your devices & accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fev0n/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
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If two Homeless people are hitting each other with a cardboard boxes...

Is it a pillow fight?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fercc/if_two_homeless_people_are_hitting_each_other/
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I Have a Joke About the Palestinian Refugee Crisis...

... But Israeli Bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fei56/i_have_a_joke_about_the_palestinian_refugee_crisis/
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Why did the man wear a diaper to the bar?

So he could save his stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fefou/why_did_the_man_wear_a_diaper_to_the_bar/
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A Priest takes a walk down to the docks one day

and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him.
Out at sea it doesn't take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instruction and shows him how to cast his bait out into the water. Within moments the priest manages to reel in the largest fish that the fisherman has ever seen. In the moment of excitement the fisherman exclaims, "Look at the size of that Son-of-a-bitch!"
Immediately the priest becomes disturbed and says, "My son, please don't use such language."
The fisherman, embarrassed and hoping word of this gaffe will not reach the rest of his family, makes up an explanation in a moment of ingenuity, "Oh no father, that's the name of that type of fish, a son-of-a-bitch." He lies, taking advantage of the priests fishing naivete.
The priest is pacified, and begs forgiveness for jumping to conclusions. The fisherman, relieved, brings the priest back to the docks and drops him off.
The priest lumbers back to the church, with the giant fish in his arms. Upon entering the church he sees the bishop and approaches him, "Bishop, look at the size of this son-of-a-bitch I caught!"
The bishop stands wide-eyed a moment, "Priest, how could a man as holy as you use such language in the house of God?"
The priest calmly explains that it is the name of the fish, and the bishop feeling embarrassed for jumping to conclusions offers to take and clean the fish for the priest.
After cleaning the fish the bishop takes it to the maid in the kitchen and tells her, "Maid, I want you to cook this son-of-a-bitch for me."
The maid blushes and responds, "Bishop, it may not be my place to say so, but is such language fitting for a man of your stature?"
The bishop laughs haughtily, explains that it's the name of the fish and that he too had made the same mistake only minutes earlier. The maid laughs too, apologizes and cooks the fish.
It just so happens that the Pope decided to stop in for dinner at their church that evening. They are all sitting at the table when the pope says, "Oh, my children, I know that gluttony is a sin but I simply can't stop myself from eating this fish. I must know, where did you get it?"
"I caught the son-of-a-bitch." Said the priest.
"I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch." Said the bishop.
"And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch." Said the maid.
For a moment the pope sat silently, staring at them all wide-eyed. He then slowly removed his hat, kicked off his sandles, put his hands behind his head, kicked his feet up on the table and said, "You know what? You mother fuckers are alright!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fee61/a_priest_takes_a_walk_down_to_the_docks_one_day/
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I recently met an indian baker who claimed to be socially rebellious

He called himself a Naan-Conformist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4feceq/i_recently_met_an_indian_baker_who_claimed_to_be/
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Why are fish always on drugs?

They just keep getting hooked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fe77t/why_are_fish_always_on_drugs/
%
I think my boss from flint is trying to poison me...

Handing out all these Pb and jelly sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fe6jp/i_think_my_boss_from_flint_is_trying_to_poison_me/
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How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buck an ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fe4uw/how_much_does_it_cost_a_pirate_to_get_his_ears/
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I'm an atheist with a god-complex...

...which explains why all my highschool teachers always said I never believed in myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fe46e/im_an_atheist_with_a_godcomplex/
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When my friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo...

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fe1af/when_my_friend_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a/
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why parents have gray hair ..

Just a reminder........
Why Parents Have Gray Hair
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fdz7i/why_parents_have_gray_hair/
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Were you there?

Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the ruler of the country was called the Shah and his wife was known as the Shahnee.
And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, that the Shahnee gave birth to a son, and this son, being the heir to the Peacock Throne was given the title of Shan.
It soon transpired that all was not well with the young Shan and wise men were summoned from all over the kingdom to the palace. They examined the Shan carefully; then they instructed the scribes to write out enormous bills,; then they informed the Shah and the Shahnee that their son, the Shan, heir to the Peacock Throne, was epileptic.
Now in those days there was no Medicare or super-efficient public or private hospital system such as we enjoy in Australia today; there was not much that could be done about his condition.
So the wise men got together, got their scribes to write out some more enormous bills and recommended to the Shah that he appoint some special bodyguards to take care of the Shan and watch over him all the time.
And it was so. Everywhere the little Shan went, the bodyguard went, too, watching over him and taking care of him.
For a while, all was well, but then, one day, when many months had passed without any untoward incident, the bodyguard grew complacent. The time came when he left the Shan alone while he indulged in amorous dalliance with one of the ladies of the court.
And of course, it was at this time that the young Shan had an epileptic seizure and, being unattended injured himself.
Great was the commotion in the Palace and the Shah waxed wroth. Summoning the bodyguard into his presence he angrily demanded, "Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fdtqi/were_you_there/
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You know why no one ever flunks out of Porn School?

Everyone has to take a "D" on the final exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fds8a/you_know_why_no_one_ever_flunks_out_of_porn_school/
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A magician says to his wife to 'Pick a card. Any card.'

She takes his credit card and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fdra3/a_magician_says_to_his_wife_to_pick_a_card_any/
%
What's the difference between a USB and the USA?

One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, the other is a harware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fdqe0/whats_the_difference_between_a_usb_and_the_usa/
%
Kid vs barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fdnbo/kid_vs_barber/
%
What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fdljj/whats_the_difference_between_my_ex_and_the_titanic/
%
I just ordered the wrong meat

it was a misteak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fdlie/i_just_ordered_the_wrong_meat/
%
Studies show unprotected sex has over an 8 percent chance of causing Cancer.

The same study found a near equal chance of causing Gemini or Sagittarius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fdio0/studies_show_unprotected_sex_has_over_an_8/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fd7sd/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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Your Mum's so Mean

she doesn't even have a standard deviation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fd5q8/your_mums_so_mean/
%
I was at the butchers the other day

And i thought while i'm there i'd have a gamble with the butcher. I bet him £10 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf, he said "nah mate, i'm not taking that bet, the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fd5k2/i_was_at_the_butchers_the_other_day/
%
I saw a gay midget the other day

I thought wow that's a little queer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fd0sv/i_saw_a_gay_midget_the_other_day/
%
What's the difference between friends and potatoes?

Potatoes don't scream when you peel their skin and toss them in boiling water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fczsj/whats_the_difference_between_friends_and_potatoes/
%
A boy ate a Pb and jelly sandwich﻿

And then died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fcwqs/a_boy_ate_a_pb_and_jelly_sandwich/
%
Angry feminist told me that men are animals, men are pigs!

So I told her that women are equal to men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fcrgc/angry_feminist_told_me_that_men_are_animals_men/
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I have an inferiority complex

But it's a not very good one...:(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fcp56/i_have_an_inferiority_complex/
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Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.

After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"
Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fcnfo/barack_obama_is_having_a_race_with_joe_biden/
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Farming upstart

One day a man decided to start a farm. So he walked down the road until he came to a farm and asked, "Do you have any chickens?"
The farmer replies "Yes, but we dont call them that around here. 'Round here we call 'em Pullets". He buys the "pullet"
So the farmer goes down the road and again finds a barn and asks "Do you have and Roosters?"
The farmer replies, "Yes but around here we dont call them that.'Round here we call 'em cocks." So he buys the "cock"
So the farmer goes down the road and again finds a barn and asks "Do you have any donkeys?"
The farmer replies "Yeah but we dont call 'em that around here. 'Round here we call 'em asses." So he buys the "ass".
Just before he leaves the farmer says "Now treat that animal kindly. When it rolls over it means it wants to be scratched."
So the farmer goes down the road and sees a woman walking down the road. His donkey suddenly rolls over.
He slowly walked to the woman and said, "Will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fcnck/farming_upstart/
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What word that begins with "N" and ends with "R" do you never want to call a black person?

Neighbor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fclz0/what_word_that_begins_with_n_and_ends_with_r_do/
%
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fci9d/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
%
A friend of mine told me that sex after a vasectomy would hurt.

But to be honest I haven't noticed a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fcfj3/a_friend_of_mine_told_me_that_sex_after_a/
%
Bill Clinton is on Air Force One when the Flight Attendant approaches with the lunch menu...

Bill looks at the menu briefly, and then looks up and down at the attendant before giving her a wink.  He leans over and says "Well, I sure could go for a quickie right about now."
The Attendant is flattered on some level but quickly starts flushing red at the terror of being about to learn just how far she'd go to keep her job.  Al Gore is sitting right across from Bill reading his own menu, and immediately recognizes what's going on.  He glances at Bill and leans over to attendant, and says
"I'm sorry, I believe the President would like to order a *quiche*".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fcfbu/bill_clinton_is_on_air_force_one_when_the_flight/
%
I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights

He got out of his car and said "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fcd0t/i_crashed_into_a_dwarf_at_some_traffic_lights/
%
What's it like never being flaccid?

Hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fcb4r/whats_it_like_never_being_flaccid/
%
My friend lied to me about pooping in the slow cooker.

What a crock of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fcagg/my_friend_lied_to_me_about_pooping_in_the_slow/
%
I swear skinny people without butts eat the most...

They're bottomless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fc8rx/i_swear_skinny_people_without_butts_eat_the_most/
%
There was a man that was sitting on a bench watching people pass by.

He very much enjoyed looking at the various articles of clothing that people were wearing and would often inquire of people where they bought their clothes.
"We'll hey! That's a nice pair of shoes you've got on!" He said to a young man who turned the corner.
"Thanks!" He replied, "I just got 'em from JC Penny!"
Another man came around the corner wearing a particular t-shirt that he found fascinating.
"Wow, that is a great shirt, do you mind if I ask where you got it?"
"JC Penny!" He replied with a smile.
As he pondered the wonderful coincidence of two individuals wearing such nice clothing from the same place, he notices another young man come around the corner wearing the most incredible pants he had ever seen.
He jumped up from the bench and exclaimed, " You MUST have gotten those wonderful pants from JC Penny! Would you please give me directions?"
The young man smiled and told him that JC Penny was just around the corner.
The man could barely contain his excitement, and as he rushed around the corner he tripped over another young man lying naked in the street.
"Oh no! Are you okay?" He exclaimed, "You look as though you've been mugged! What is you name?"
The young boy struggled to speak as he muttered the words, "...I'm JC Penny"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fc7uq/there_was_a_man_that_was_sitting_on_a_bench/
%
People are so unreliable

Waited in all day for someone to come and fix my broken doorbell, but they never turned up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fc77b/people_are_so_unreliable/
%
Did you know the moon was made of cheese?

Thats why NASA sent up a bunch of crackers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fc6up/did_you_know_the_moon_was_made_of_cheese/
%
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fc6r4/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
So a foreign exchange student asks me:

"Is the word "ee-ther" or "eye-ther?"
I told them it was either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fc1dq/so_a_foreign_exchange_student_asks_me/
%
Want to hear a joke about paper?

Ehh, never mind. It's tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fbvrw/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_paper/
%
A man goes to a hospital with a wound in his groin.

The doctor asks him "Whoa, what happened to you?"
The man says "I was taking a class for gun safety. I've never used a gun before and wanted to learn how to properly use one. It didn't go over well."
The doctor asks "I can see that! Well, what happened? Did someone else misfire?"
The man says "Well, not exactly. It all started when the instructor told us to cock our guns."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fbtwf/a_man_goes_to_a_hospital_with_a_wound_in_his_groin/
%
What does all pirate music have in common?

It's all played in the high C's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fbndj/what_does_all_pirate_music_have_in_common/
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A stuttering man visits his doctor

A man visited his doctor because he had a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consulted with the patient.
Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."
Patient: "Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing that six inches from the penis, freeing him from this horrible problem.
The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment, as well as, loss of employment and that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his follow up.
Patient: "Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great new job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem My wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches?"
The doctor scratched his forehead, thought for a minute and said, "I dddoonnn't ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fbn3o/a_stuttering_man_visits_his_doctor/
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How long does it take a Mexican to build a....

And he's done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fbmfn/how_long_does_it_take_a_mexican_to_build_a/
%
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fbjvk/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbor_at_a_bus_stop/
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Why was Pinocchio a womanizer?

He only got into relationships with no strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fbf2g/why_was_pinocchio_a_womanizer/
%
What does Hillary Clinton use to drown the noise of Black Lives Matter protesters?

White noise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fbd7r/what_does_hillary_clinton_use_to_drown_the_noise/
%
What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fb1ma/whats_black_and_screams/
%
My friend Dave drowned yesterday

his funeral is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a buoyancy aid. It's what he would have wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4farut/my_friend_dave_drowned_yesterday/
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Pricey set of teeth

A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a gift shop during her honeymoon in India.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Crocodile teeth" the salesman beamed.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that crocodile teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us"
"Of course not!" he objected.
"Anybody can open an oyster"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4faqzd/pricey_set_of_teeth/
%
Why did the midget laugh while walking across the field?

Because the grass tickled his balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4faqo0/why_did_the_midget_laugh_while_walking_across_the/
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Eternal life

Police have arrested a man for selling pills that promise eternal life.
Records show that it was the fourth time he has been arrested. His previous arrests were in 1760,1839, and 1946.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fam9a/eternal_life/
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If H2O is water, and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide, what is H2O4?

Drinking, bathing, watering etc etc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fajd4/if_h2o_is_water_and_h2o2_is_hydrogen_peroxide/
%
What does a frog do when it's sad?

Kermits suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4faj9t/what_does_a_frog_do_when_its_sad/
%
What does dark humor have in common with food?

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fahfa/what_does_dark_humor_have_in_common_with_food/
%
what a compliment by husband../

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fag7e/what_a_compliment_by_husband/
%
What does she have that I don't?

An elderly woman is living out her golden years in a retirement home. One day she spots a newcomer at BINGO. He's a dashing gentleman of about her age and though she's rather a prude she can't help but be flattered when he flirts a little with her. And though she's not sure that it's the godly thing to so, she's frankly thrilled when he returns the flirting in kind and by the time they have slurped up the last of the Jello at dinner, they're an item.
A few days later he asks her - since their together - if she would mind if he slept in her room. He promises not to take advantage of the situation. "I've been alone for many years," he says, "and I just want to be held by someone I care for." Well she's not too sure about this, but she decides to give him a chance. "No funny stuff?" she asks - and he agrees.
Sure enough, they sleep that night in the same bed together and he never makes a move on her. She relaxes. Glad for the company and togetherness. He was right: being alone wasn't nearly as good as holding someone while you slept.
So they try it again a few days later. And a few days after that. Soon it's every day. Just sleeping together in the same bed, holding each other.
And then he misses a day.
Another.
Another.
He hardly comes around or pays attention to her.
She confronts him, "Where have you been? I've been so lonely! Be honest with me, is it another woman?"
He must be honest. Eyes downcast, he admits that it is.
"But what does she have that I don't?"
"Parkinsons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fab2p/what_does_she_have_that_i_dont/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fa8i7/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
%
What do you feel when there's no more coffee?

Depresso.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fa59b/what_do_you_feel_when_theres_no_more_coffee/
%
Never trust a fart...

You never know what kind of shit your asshole is up to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fa237/never_trust_a_fart/
%
Breakfast was a very late affair that day...

and the husband and wife were fragile indeed -- badly hungover from a particularly wild party the night before. Bleary eyed, with two trembling hands holding his very black coffee, our hero said to his wife, "Was it you I had anal sex with in the garden last night?"
She struggled to bring him into focus and asked: "About what time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9zxk/breakfast_was_a_very_late_affair_that_day/
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What do you call people migrating to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9ysj/what_do_you_call_people_migrating_to_sweden/
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Reddit is like a shiny new penny...

It's fun to look at but completely worthless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9w9j/reddit_is_like_a_shiny_new_penny/
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Jail is a prison term.

And that was a prison sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9twi/jail_is_a_prison_term/
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Lots of people use their kid's name as their password

I love my son mHh$5rY%9a@#JJ5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9rwi/lots_of_people_use_their_kids_name_as_their/
%
I'm a bisexual who just broke up and is now single.

I guess you could say I'm on standbi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9r7f/im_a_bisexual_who_just_broke_up_and_is_now_single/
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A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”
“The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9n10/a_burglar_broke_into_a_house_one_night/
%
I'm on a new diet where I can only eat and drink things where I know what the ingredients mean.

I can now tell you every ingredients use in Cheetos, how it's obtained, and the molecular structure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9mst/im_on_a_new_diet_where_i_can_only_eat_and_drink/
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Three spies were detained in Russia

A British spy, a French spy, and an Italian spy. They were split up into three separate rooms to be interrogated.
After the interrogations, they were thrown into a cell together. The British spy said he was threatened with torture and confessed his secrets. The French spy told a similar story of fear of torture. The Italian spy had been beaten to a bloody pulp.
The other two spies asked the Italian spy, "Why didn't you answer their questions and avoid the torture?"
The Italian spy replied, "I wanted to, but my hands were tied behind my back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9mp3/three_spies_were_detained_in_russia/
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A man has started a business in Afghanistan. He's selling landmines that look like prayer mats...

Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9kr4/a_man_has_started_a_business_in_afghanistan_hes/
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Three guys go into a hotel...

And the owner tells them than since there is only one room left, they must share a bed. The guys are tired, so they agree.
The next morning, the three of them wake up.
The one on the left of the bed says, "I had a really strange dream last night. I dreamt I was having a wank."
The one on the right side says "that's funny, I had the same dream!"
The one in the middle exclaims "You're both disgusting! I had a nice normal dream, I dreamt I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9jre/three_guys_go_into_a_hotel/
%
A man hears the phone ringing...

A man hears the phone ringing while he is in his sports team change room, he picks it up.
"Hey honey, I saw a really nice dress for $1000, can I buy it? It looks really nice" said the voice.
"Sure, go ahead if you like it so much" the man says.
"Thanks, and also the car we looked at last week for $89,000, no one else is buying it, can I buy it? It's really fuel efficient" the voice replies"
"You can buy that too" the man replies again.
"Thank you, just one last thing, the house we looked at last month has dropped from $1.5 million to $1.4, I'm sure it'll be fine, can I buy that too?" the voice responds.
"You may buy the house" the man says.
"Thank you so much honey" the voice says then hangs up.
Astonished the mans teammates are looking at the man, eyes wide and mouth open. The man looks at them holding the phone out and asks "Does anyone know who's phone this is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9jaw/a_man_hears_the_phone_ringing/
%
How do cannibals pick up women?

With a fork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9h21/how_do_cannibals_pick_up_women/
%
A British wizard walks into a gay bar...

...and disappears with a poof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9gzj/a_british_wizard_walks_into_a_gay_bar/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. That's a man's job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f9gcp/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A woman walks into a bar

and very loudly asks for a drink. She glares at the men drinking there, raises her arm and points around the bar. "Is there a gentleman here who'll buy a lady a drink?"
When she raises her arm, it is obvious she neither showers nor shaves her armpits. Most of the men look away, but one little guy with thick glasses speaks up. "Sure, I'll buy that ballerina a drink" he says. She slams the beer down, looks around again, raises her arm and bellows, "Is there a gentleman here who'll buy a lady a drink?".
Again, the little guy with the coke bottle glasses calls the bartender over, and says he'll buy the ballerina a drink. Again, she slams it down, and again she rudely asks for a free drink while pointing her finger. When the little man persists in saying he would buy the ballerina a drink, the bartender runs over and says, "Look, I don't care if you buy her drinks, but why do you think she is a ballerina."
"Because", the little guy says, "any woman who can lift her leg that high is a ballerina to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f99xd/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
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The Energizer Bunny is starting a career in porn...

They put his batteries in backwards and he keeps coming and coming and coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f97bx/the_energizer_bunny_is_starting_a_career_in_porn/
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When it comes to self deprecation

I'm the just worst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f93d4/when_it_comes_to_self_deprecation/
%
My friend's son wanted to be a "Super-Pirate" for his birthday...

But after running against the door he discovered that even a "Super-Pirate" only needs one eyepatch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f91b4/my_friends_son_wanted_to_be_a_superpirate_for_his/
%
Some people say that Frieza was the best character in Dragon Ball Z, but...

I think his brother was cooler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f915y/some_people_say_that_frieza_was_the_best/
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I know I'm a bit kinky.

My girlfriend asked me
"Are you more of a boob man or an ass man?"
So I said
"I'm a Scatman"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f90z3/i_know_im_a_bit_kinky/
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You've wasted your time explaining sex to me

I still don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f8x50/youve_wasted_your_time_explaining_sex_to_me/
%
I used to do the "hokey pokey"...

But I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f8r8h/i_used_to_do_the_hokey_pokey/
%
Two guys walk into a bar...

You figure the second one would have ducked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f8pbb/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a typo on a tombstone

A grave mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f8m9o/what_do_you_call_a_typo_on_a_tombstone/
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What do you call a Mexican girl who converts to Islam?

Dora the Exploder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f8k71/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_girl_who_converts_to/
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What did the claustrophobic fungi say to his friends?

There's not mushroom in here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f8dth/what_did_the_claustrophobic_fungi_say_to_his/
%
A man is vacactioning at a country club and decides to visit a local pub.

He sits down and orders a drink and notices a large jar full of cash at the end of the bar. Curious, he asked the bartender what it's for.
"Well, you see, we have a tradition here..." the bartender responds. "You put $10 in the jar. If you can pass three trials, you win all the money."
"And what are the challenges? The man asks, quite interested.
"Well first, ya gotta knock out our bouncer with one hit..." the bartender gestures to a massive tank of a man standing at the door. "Next ya gotta go out back. We got this mad dog with a bad tooth, and ya have to pull it out without losing any fingers. Last, ya gotta fuck Mary over there until she cums" he concludes, gesturing to absolutely ancient woman sitting in the corner.
The man shrugs. "Well, that certainly doesn't  seem like the thing for me," he says, drinking his beer. As the night goes on, the alcohol starts to build up his courage. After a few rounds, he silently gets up and puts $10 in the jar. Everyone watches as he sneaks up behind the bouncer, rears back, and delivers a quick punch to the back of the man's skull. The bouncer falls to the floor with a tremendous crash.
The crowd goes silent, amazed by the sight, before erupting into cheers as the man goes to finish his beer with one long chug. He stumbles a bit before looking around. "Alright, what's next?!" he shouts. They show him to a bolted door in the back. With a laugh, two men throw him into the pen with the dog and slam the wooden door shut.
There is a great struggle, loud barks, a few whimpers, and then silence.
Expecting to see a bloody mess, the crowd is surprised as they find the man totally unharmed and stumbling. He looks to the crowd and smiles.
"Alright! Now where's that lady with the bad tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f8d8t/a_man_is_vacactioning_at_a_country_club_and/
%
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.

I would stand at the back, doing my ting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f8c44/i_used_to_play_the_triangle_in_a_reggae_band/
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My friend told me he had the body of a Greek God...

I informed him Buddha was not Greek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f8bm6/my_friend_told_me_he_had_the_body_of_a_greek_god/
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What do you call a group of armed nuns enforcing the status quo?

a force of habit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f88xq/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_armed_nuns_enforcing/
%
At an AC/DC concert...

Brian Johnson: You guys ready to rock?
Crowd: YESSSSSS
Brian Johnson: I can't hear you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f8499/at_an_acdc_concert/
%
The best thing about flying with Spirit is the legroom

When the plane's about to crash,  you're already in the fetal position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f811q/the_best_thing_about_flying_with_spirit_is_the/
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Girl, you must be a Pakistani shopping mall

Because a lot of guys think they would be in paradise if they blew up inside you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f80hv/girl_you_must_be_a_pakistani_shopping_mall/
%
The best dad jokes are the ones you'll never hear...

...the black ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f7z9g/the_best_dad_jokes_are_the_ones_youll_never_hear/
%
Why was the illegal immigrant so offensive?

Because he crossed the line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f7x3r/why_was_the_illegal_immigrant_so_offensive/
%
A magician walks up to a blonde, brunette, and a redhead...

He asks them to tell him something that they think is true. If it's not true, the person who told him that will disappear.
The Brunette goes first, and says:
"I think I'm pretty..."
She disappears.
Then the Redhead goes next:
"I think I'm popular."
She, too, disappears.
Finally, the Blonde goes last. She says the following:
"Hmm... I think..."
~~Just before she could think of something, she disappeared.~~✂️
Before she could say the next word, she disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f7ta4/a_magician_walks_up_to_a_blonde_brunette_and_a/
%
A Man is driving down the road with his...

A man is driving down the road with his wife in the passenger seat when he gets pulled over by the cops.  The police officer comes up to the car and says "Sir. You were going 65 in a 55, I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that." To which the wife replies "He was going at least 70!"  The man says nothing, he just shakes his head at his wife.
Next, the cop says "Also, you're not wearing a seatbelt and I'm afraid I'll have to give you ticket for that."  To which the man replies "Sir. I saw you coming up to the car and I took my seatbelt off so that I could get to my wallet." The wife says "Harry. Don't be silly, you never wear your seatbelt." The man says nothing, he just shakes his head at his wife.
Next, the cop says "Sir... Your tail light is also out. I'll have to ticket you for that." The man replies "Sir please, I just did a full inspection on my car this morning and everything was fine. The light must have just gone out."  The wife then says "Oh Harry, you've known about that light for three weeks now."
At this point, the man loses his temper and begins to yell at his wife, calling her a number of names and insults.  This goes on for some time and when it finally stops, the police officer looks at the wife and says "Ma'am. Does he always talk to you like this?" to which she replies "No.  Just when he's drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f7sud/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_with_his/
%
Rick Astley will let you borrow almost any movie from his Pixar collection.

But he's never gonna give you Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f7r7m/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_almost_any_movie/
%
A White Guy.

If a white guy is surrounded by 3 black guys, he's getting robbed.  30 black guys, he's a football coach. 300 black guys he's a prison guard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f7qr2/a_white_guy/
%
I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks -

Dad loved her, so did my sis, but mum said she could’ve done with another hour or so on a low heat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f7qmg/i_tried_my_best_to_prepare_my_girlfriend_for/
%
I just bought bunk beds. The other night I brought a date home. She said, "I'll get on top." I said, "Great, I’ll get the ladder."

She said, "You sure think a lot of yourself, don't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f7p08/i_just_bought_bunk_beds_the_other_night_i_brought/
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Alcoholic Horse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “you’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?”
The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am”, and poof he disappears.
This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “I think, therefore I am.”
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f7olf/alcoholic_horse/
%
A Girl once asked me how I view Lesbian relationships...

I told her "In HD". Apparently that was not the right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f7n0f/a_girl_once_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
%
A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife's temper.

The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?”
The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The man says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”
The doctor says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f7kot/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_worried_about_his_wifes/
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What's the difference between a joke on Reddit and a joke on 9Gag?

One was posted yesterday and the other's already been posted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f7j8p/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_on_reddit_and/
%
Two things went wrong today

1. My Wife got ran over by a bus
2. I lost my job at the bus company

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f7ftl/two_things_went_wrong_today/
%
Jacque the Snail

Jacque is a snail. Snails are not known for their excessive speed. Jacque has always dreamed of going fast, faster than any snail ever has before. Jacque has been saving his money for years so he can buy a super fast sports car and impress all his little snail friends.
Finally, Jacque goes down to the Porsche dealer. He sees a beautiful car, the Boxster. He tells the dealer, "I like that one." The dealer laughs and says, "My dear snail, don't you want to go fast? You need the Porsche Boxster-S!" He seems very proud of the S. Jacque agrees, and finally he is sitting in the car of his dreams, a Boxster-S. He pays for it. Cash, because this snail don't play around. He's ready to take his brand new sports car for a speedy run down the coast.
As he is driving, going well over 100 mph, much faster than any snail in the history of snails has ever gone, he flies past two French people walking on the side of the road. One Frenchman says to the other, "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f7b2t/jacque_the_snail/
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How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buck an ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f793u/how_much_does_a_pirate_pay_for_corn/
%
Smart Mexican

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth" "?
Again, no response except from Pedro:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f771c/smart_mexican/
%
My favorite knock knock joke

Knock Knock
Who's there
I eat mop
I eat mop who.
Say it out loud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f720i/my_favorite_knock_knock_joke/
%
A boy grows up with an outhouse...

He's in bed one night and thinks to himself,
"This is bullshit! It's 2016, we're the only ones with an outhouse!
Once it rains and the river floods some, I'm pushing it in."
The boy wakes up for school the next morning and see that it rained a bit, enough for the river to rise enough for him to push the outhouse into it.
After a day at school, he steps off the bus and his dad is sitting on the porch.
"Son, someone pushed the outhouse into the river."
The boy knows he's caught,
"...George Washington told the truth about cutting down the cherry tree, and he didn't get in trouble!"
His dad looks at him,
"Well, was George Washington's dad in the fucking cherry tree?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f6yiu/a_boy_grows_up_with_an_outhouse/
%
Why don't pads like tampons?...

Because they're stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f6pxd/why_dont_pads_like_tampons/
%
"Marriage is like a ring of fire"

, my dad used to tell me. " The men on the outside want to be in it, and the ones on the inside want to get out of it "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f6nvq/marriage_is_like_a_ring_of_fire/
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Who's the most unpopular person at the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch football match?

The person who shouted "Give me an L!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f6n94/whos_the_most_unpopular_person_at_the/
%
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f6e6i/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/
%
What do you call a controversy surrounding toothpaste.

Colgate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f6bh5/what_do_you_call_a_controversy_surrounding/
%
Three ladies.

Three ladies went out to the flee market. A blonde, a redhead and a brunette. They found a magic mirror that told them this "each of you has to say something about herself, if it's true I'll grant you a wish but if it's false I'll kill you ". The ladies agreed, and the redhead said "i have the cutest boyfriend" and the mirror killed her. The brunette said "i have the prettiest car " and the mirror killed her. And the blonde said "wait I'm thinking " and the mirror killed her.
Fin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f6aoe/three_ladies/
%
Never remove the shells from racing snails

it makes them sluggish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f68r3/never_remove_the_shells_from_racing_snails/
%
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hits were The Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f681y/what_do_princess_diana_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
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An Arab, an Israeli and a Mexican are on a plane.

The pilot says that the plane is losing altitude and that the men need to throw something out of the plane to reduce the weight. The Mexican throws his collection of sombreros and the Israeli asked him why he threw the sombreros, the Mexican said "ah, we have plenty of those in my country".
The Arab then threw his falafels and the Mexican asked him why he threw the falafels and the Arab said " ah, we have plenty of those in my country". And then the Israeli threw the Arab out of the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f66tx/an_arab_an_israeli_and_a_mexican_are_on_a_plane/
%
Don't sleep with family members...

...no matter how much they incest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f64od/dont_sleep_with_family_members/
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Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?

A: Her wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f6365/q_what_food_diminishes_a_womans_sex_drive_by_90/
%
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy

, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f61z2/a_nice_calm_and_respectable_lady_went_into_the/
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I accidentally drank a bottle of ink.

The doctor says I'll be fine, but I feel as though I've dyed inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f61qb/i_accidentally_drank_a_bottle_of_ink/
%
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery

Now I don’t know what he looks like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f5ydt/i_lent_a_friend_of_mine_10000_for_plastic_surgery/
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A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

"Well, it's like this Doc. when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The Green Green Grass of Home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embarrassing: even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"
"It would appear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome," said the doctor.
"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.
"It's not unusual."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f5p0r/a_man_went_to_the_doctor_with_a_strange_complaint/
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I just drop my keyboard on the floor by accident...

I lost control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f5mhb/i_just_drop_my_keyboard_on_the_floor_by_accident/
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Why are aliens green?

Because of the lawn clippings!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f5lzs/why_are_aliens_green/
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How do you tell 2 Scotsmen apart?

You lift their kilts, and whichever one of them has a Quarter Pounder is a McDonald!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f5fki/how_do_you_tell_2_scotsmen_apart/
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My Muslim neighbor came to my house and asked "Have you seen Mahid lately?"

I said, "No, just your eyes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f5ez4/my_muslim_neighbor_came_to_my_house_and_asked/
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Make the little things count

Teach math to midgets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f5dc8/make_the_little_things_count/
%
A supervisor at a Tickle-Me-Elmo factory...

...instructed an employee to give the dolls 'test tickles'. The dolls were recalled for being anatomically correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f58uf/a_supervisor_at_a_ticklemeelmo_factory/
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You can tell the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky...

Otherwise they would've called it a teethbrush!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f51aj/you_can_tell_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
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So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer...

The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer.
Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says:
-- What, have you never seen a naked woman before?
-- That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f5177/so_a_naked_woman_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a/
%
Hitler was argueably the greatest person that ever lived...

I mean he did kill Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f5021/hitler_was_argueably_the_greatest_person_that/
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Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we charge at them while half of our backs is showing and we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f4z6f/why_sharks_circle_you_before_attacking/
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Man sentenced to five years for masturbating with soap in public.

Came clean in court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f4vwt/man_sentenced_to_five_years_for_masturbating_with/
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What do you call a fashionable Japanese warrior?

Glamurai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f4tds/what_do_you_call_a_fashionable_japanese_warrior/
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I once went to a Reddit restaurant

unfortunately all of the servers were busy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f4snr/i_once_went_to_a_reddit_restaurant/
%
What is the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer balls they are under a buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f4ry6/what_is_the_cheapest_kind_of_meat/
%
I almost lost my hearing in an accident...

It was a near-deaf experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f4kv5/i_almost_lost_my_hearing_in_an_accident/
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An Asian guy, Hispanic guy, white guy, black guy and their pilot are on a plane...

Suddenly the plane loses control and the pilot says, "If three people jump off, the rest can survive.
The Asian guy goes "This is for my people" and jumps off.
The Hispanic guy goes "This is for my people" and jumps off.
The black guy goes "This is for my people", and kicks the white guy off the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f4k4n/an_asian_guy_hispanic_guy_white_guy_black_guy_and/
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Did you know that trampolines were originally called jumpolines?

Until your mom got on one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f4h1i/did_you_know_that_trampolines_were_originally/
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Victoria Beckham got her twat shaved.

He still looks ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f4fm3/victoria_beckham_got_her_twat_shaved/
%
The Man With the Wooden Eye

So, there was this guy with a wooden eye who was having some self esteem issues.  In an effort to get out of the rut he was in, he decided to shake things up and go to a local dance in hopes of getting his confidence back.  There he saw a woman with very pronounced buck teeth, and figuring she would not turn him away, asks her "Excuse me, Miss? Would you like to dance?" to which she replies "Would I! Would I!"....the man then began to scream "Buck tooth! Buck tooth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f4f9i/the_man_with_the_wooden_eye/
%
A man's sister is giving birth, but she can't think of what to name it.

So the man goes to his good friend and asks; "what should my sister name her child?"
And his friend says, "Denise."
The man asks, "but what if her child is a boy?"
And his friend asks for some time to think.
So the man waits a few days and then returns to his friend.
He asks, "have you thought of a name yet?"
"Yes, Denephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f4ei2/a_mans_sister_is_giving_birth_but_she_cant_think/
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I've always said that life is a lot like doing laundry

There's a lot less bleeding if you separate the colors from the whites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f4duz/ive_always_said_that_life_is_a_lot_like_doing/
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3 ladies are celebrating in a bar..

3 blondes are celebrating in a bar. The bartender asks the ladies ''what are you celebrating about?'' The blondes reply ''we finished a puzzle in only 6 months even though on the box it said 4-6 years.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f4dgo/3_ladies_are_celebrating_in_a_bar/
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Why did Sally fall of the swing set?

Because she had no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f4cfa/why_did_sally_fall_of_the_swing_set/
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How do you tell the sex of an ant?

If it floats, it's a boy-ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f48ap/how_do_you_tell_the_sex_of_an_ant/
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A girl goes to the doctor, he takes out his stethoscope and says "okay, big breaths."

To which the girl says "yeah, and I'm only thixteen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f476t/a_girl_goes_to_the_doctor_he_takes_out_his/
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The worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is...

You're probably Australian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f46is/the_worst_thing_about_being_bitten_by_a_poisonous/
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Did you hear about the horny squirrel?

he was fucking nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f44ea/did_you_hear_about_the_horny_squirrel/
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Did you hear about the Energizer Bunny?

A judge charged him with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f43wc/did_you_hear_about_the_energizer_bunny/
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My girlfriend got a tattoo of a shell on her thigh

Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f43ua/my_girlfriend_got_a_tattoo_of_a_shell_on_her_thigh/
%
How does a mermaid give birth?

By sea-section!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f410a/how_does_a_mermaid_give_birth/
%
I love corn!

It's a food that always amaizes me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f3zxk/i_love_corn/
%
A child has a crippling fear of the word 'this'. He goes to the doctor with his mother to discuss his problem.

The Doctor asks "What's the problem?"
And the mother replies "There's no easy way to say this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f3yul/a_child_has_a_crippling_fear_of_the_word_this_he/
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A falling Borg has no terminal velocity...

...Air resistance is futile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f3w7o/a_falling_borg_has_no_terminal_velocity/
%
My wife calls herself a trophy wife.

I told her that's because I won the participation award.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f3qu3/my_wife_calls_herself_a_trophy_wife/
%
I killed a kid while stationed in Afghanistan

So me and my buddies asked a village elder if we could buy a kid as a joke. We didn't think he'd actually sell. $200. So we bring him back to our patrol base then realize...we can't keep this fucking kid. What will we do with him? So we decided we had to get rid of him. Cut his throat, drained all his blood, then butchered him like he was a deer. Threw him on the grill and ate him.
Goat meat isn't bad. Kinda chewy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f3mc8/i_killed_a_kid_while_stationed_in_afghanistan/
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What do you call a clever joke that doesn't make it to the front page?

A clever joke, but nobody will have Reddit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f3kj5/what_do_you_call_a_clever_joke_that_doesnt_make/
%
I like watching horror films behind the sofa.

That way my neighbours don’t know I’m there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f3fsk/i_like_watching_horror_films_behind_the_sofa/
%
They asked me earlier today what is beer made of

Unfortunately I didn't know the answer as I barley pay attention to those facts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f3ffi/they_asked_me_earlier_today_what_is_beer_made_of/
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Tally-whacker

Bill Clinton after playing a round of golf with Supporters, notices
Donald trump standing in an adjacent urinal.
Suddenly Bill looks down and notices that Donald was quite well endowed.
"Damn, Donald," Bill said, "How did that thing ever get so big?"
"It's like this, Every night, before I go to bed, I smack it against the bed post ten
times. That's all it takes."
"What a good idea!" said Bill.
"Hillary's been ignoring me lately; this could really perk up our love life."
Later that evening in the White House bedroom, with Hillary already
asleep, Bill decided to try it out. He undressed and began to bang
his ol' tally-whacker against the bed post. This woke Hillary, who
turned over, giggled, and said in her most romantic voice,
"That you, Donald?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f3asc/tallywhacker/
%
I used to by my dad a neck tie on father's day, but now I buy him an Asian hooker.

It's better to buy a Thai that he'll actually use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f39pe/i_used_to_by_my_dad_a_neck_tie_on_fathers_day_but/
%
I could talk about the atomic structure all day...

But I'd rather not Bohr you about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f38x6/i_could_talk_about_the_atomic_structure_all_day/
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I heard the Pope's first choice for a guest was in fact Hillary...

But he couldn't afford her speaking fees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f3894/i_heard_the_popes_first_choice_for_a_guest_was_in/
%
How do lesbian couples celebrate their anniversary?

By eating out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f36gh/how_do_lesbian_couples_celebrate_their_anniversary/
%
Native American Names

A Native American child was curious as to how he had received his name. So he went to speak to his father, the chieftain of the tribe.
"Father," he asked, "how is it that I acquired my name?"
The noble chieftain began a long narrative for his youngest son.
"Well, my son, I named you and both of your brothers for an event which occurred on the day each of you were born. For example, the day your eldest brother was born, I saw a deer running swiftly through the forest, so I named him Deer Running Swiftly.
"Likewise, when your middle brother was born, the rain was pouring hard outside of the wigwam, so I named him Rain Pouring Hard.
"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f353h/native_american_names/
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I like my women like I like my scotch...

Twelve years old and mixed with coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f324n/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_scotch/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f2pl5/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
What do you get when you cryogenically freeze a genetic copy of basketball legend Kareem Abdul Jabbar?

An ice Kareem clone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f2pin/what_do_you_get_when_you_cryogenically_freeze_a/
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Jews rated their trip to Auschwitz:

##**They all gave it one star.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f2ozb/jews_rated_their_trip_to_auschwitz/
%
A guy walks into a mexican bookstore

and asks for the book by Donald Trump about what america should do to mexicans.
The mexican clerk is pissed and says "Fuck you man, get out!"
"Yeah, That's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f2n22/a_guy_walks_into_a_mexican_bookstore/
%
A couple of Irishmen are walking down a country road . . .

They see a sign that says "Tree Fellers wanted".
One of them turns to the other and says, "Dammit. Too bad there's only two of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f2n1g/a_couple_of_irishmen_are_walking_down_a_country/
%
A kid asked his mom : how did you make me ?

His mom said : one night i put little sugar under my pillow and in the morning you were by my side; The kid grabbed some sugar and put it under his pillow, he woke up in the morning and found an ant in his bed, "If you weren't my son, I swear i would've squashed you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f2mo6/a_kid_asked_his_mom_how_did_you_make_me/
%
What do STDs and jokes have in common?

They're both easily spread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f2e5u/what_do_stds_and_jokes_have_in_common/
%
If you were looking for a joke about pee...

urine luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f29zc/if_you_were_looking_for_a_joke_about_pee/
%
"Dad why do your penis look so different from mine?"

"Because mine is hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f28w1/dad_why_do_your_penis_look_so_different_from_mine/
%
How do you call unexpected pregnancy in German?

Kinder Surprise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f26do/how_do_you_call_unexpected_pregnancy_in_german/
%
What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesarous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f24j6/what_do_you_call_a_blind_dinosaur/
%
Why don't renovators paint floors?

It's beneath them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f23gn/why_dont_renovators_paint_floors/
%
Some people say Steve Jobs died to early...

but I'd say its an appropriate metaphor for his companies policy on battery life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f20xw/some_people_say_steve_jobs_died_to_early/
%
Someone had the audacity to delete every version of Microsoft Office from my computer.

I have no Words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f20rq/someone_had_the_audacity_to_delete_every_version/
%
What's the difference between a blowjob and anal sex?

One makes your day and the other makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f1zw6/whats_the_difference_between_a_blowjob_and_anal/
%
Green garden grass snake

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants.When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street,where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department.The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street.The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f1znw/green_garden_grass_snake/
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CPR??

Dave and Harry were swimming.They saw a pregnant woman drowning and quickly pulled her to safety.Dave starts giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.Harry opens her legs and puts his mouth on her genitalia.
Dave: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!
Harry: You save the mother, I'll save the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f1z9n/cpr/
%
Islam is a religion of peace

Piece of you here, piece of you there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f1xwa/islam_is_a_religion_of_peace/
%
Little girl: "Grandma, make a noise like a frog." Grandma: "Why?"

Little girl: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f1w1a/little_girl_grandma_make_a_noise_like_a_frog/
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Dark humour is like a child with cancer

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f1v38/dark_humour_is_like_a_child_with_cancer/
%
A guy walks into a bookstore...

A guy walks into a bookstore and asks the assistant, "Hey, do you know if you guys have the new book for guys with short penises?"
The assistant says, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
Guy says, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f1u1g/a_guy_walks_into_a_bookstore/
%
I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed

It's not my fault they don't have Windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f1jfi/i_once_farted_in_the_apple_store_and_everybody/
%
So a guy sees his ex-girlfriend on the train...

...on the way to work. Now they broke up rather amicably, so he gives her a friendly wave and she smiles back.
Once he gets to work, he sees his colleague at her desk and says to her "So I saw my ex on the train on my way over..." and before he can finish, his colleague abruptly stops typing and asks him: "What was she doing? What was she wearing? Where was she going? Tell me!"
He's quite taken aback, but he obliges her the details.
After doing some work, he meets his friend for lunch and brings up the issue while they were eating. His friend drops his knife and fork and immediately begins questioning him: "How did she look? Was she doing anything? Which station did she get off at?"
He's confused, but he tells his friend what he wants to know.
After work, he heads home and sees his roommate watching television, and wonders if his roommate will react similarly. So he casually mentions "So I ran into my ex on the way to work..." and without missing a beat, his roommate picks up the remote, turns off the TV, looks him in the eye and says  "Tell. Me. Everything."
The guy is completely bewildered at this point, but describes the incident to the best of his ability.
Puzzled by the day's occurrences, he gets his phone and sends a text to his ex: "Hey, I told some of my friends I saw you in the train this morning and they all started asking me questions about it... Did you tell them anything? Did you talk to them?"
She soon replies: "No, but the same thing happened to me! I guess it was an *ex-sighting* event!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f1hpv/so_a_guy_sees_his_exgirlfriend_on_the_train/
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Why does Kim Jong Un love books?

Because he is the Supreme Reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f1g49/why_does_kim_jong_un_love_books/
%
I've said it before and I'll say it again

I've said it before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f15bb/ive_said_it_before_and_ill_say_it_again/
%
What's the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter?

One of them left the chamber alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f14in/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_harry/
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First day on the job

A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window.
For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver, but I've been a hearse driver for the last 25 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f141t/first_day_on_the_job/
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How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they would just beat the room for being dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f131c/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f0y4n/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
A group of midgets were planning to rob a butcher's...

But the steaks were just too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f0y3j/a_group_of_midgets_were_planning_to_rob_a_butchers/
%
Asked my friend from North Korea how has life been going?

He said he couldn't complain..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f0wxd/asked_my_friend_from_north_korea_how_has_life/
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Join the food train

Chew chew!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f0vpv/join_the_food_train/
%
[NSFW] I met a girl called Michelle at a bar...

Her: Hi, I am Michelle
Me: I am Donaldson, but people sometimes call me Dick.
Her: How do you get Dick from Donaldson?
Me: You ask nicely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f0dog/nsfw_i_met_a_girl_called_michelle_at_a_bar/
%
How does the Mexican national anthem start?

Jose can you see.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f08pe/how_does_the_mexican_national_anthem_start/
%
What did the German physicist call his beer mug?

Ein stein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f085u/what_did_the_german_physicist_call_his_beer_mug/
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A joke from my baseball coach...

Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day. One day Frank said' Leo, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there.'
Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, 'Frank you've been my best friend for many years.
If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'  Shortly after that, Leo passed on.  A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, Frank... Frank '.......'Who is it?' asked Frank sitting up suddenly.  'Who is it?'
'Leo-- it's me, Leo'.
'You're not Leo, Leo just died.'  'I'm telling you, it's me, Leo' insisted the voice.
'Leo!....Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Leo. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Frank.
'The good news,' Leo said, 'is that  there's baseball in Heaven.  Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us
are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.  Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Frank 'It's beyond my wildest dreams!  So what's the bad news?'  'You're pitching Tuesday.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f07lw/a_joke_from_my_baseball_coach/
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A redneck cop comes upon a traffic accident...

He sees that the driver has been torn apart and strewn across the highway.  He proceeds to take down his report.
"Arm...  On in the ditch..."  <starts writing> "A... R... M... In the D... I... T... C... H..."
Walks a bit further...
"Torso...  T... O... R... S... O...  in the ditch... D... I... T... C... H..."
Walks a bit further...
"Leg... In the car... L... E... G... in the C... A... R..."
Walks a bit further...
"Head... On the highway...  H... I... W... erm... H... I... W... U...  Uhhh...."  <kick>  "D... I... T... C... H..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f04tb/a_redneck_cop_comes_upon_a_traffic_accident/
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A man goes to a library and asks if they have a book on suicide

The librarian says "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f00nz/a_man_goes_to_a_library_and_asks_if_they_have_a/
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You know what's better than Tennessee?

Elevennessee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ezxjg/you_know_whats_better_than_tennessee/
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What's addicting?

The sound an erection makes when it hits a cymbal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ezvk1/whats_addicting/
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A man dies in a car accident, and goes to Heaven

When he walks past the Pearly Gates, he is greeted by St. Peter, and they walk into a house together. The man sees a wall with a bunch of clocks on it. He asks, "What are all those clocks doing there?"
Peter replies, "Those are *Lie Clocks*. Every time someone lies, the clock ticks once."
The man looks at his clock, and it reads about 1:15.
After looking at all the clocks, he says, "Uh, sir? Just asking, but where is Hillary Clinton's clock?"
Peter chuckles, and replies, "Oh, we keep hers in our office. We use it as a desk fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eztgl/a_man_dies_in_a_car_accident_and_goes_to_heaven/
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How many Sandpeople does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You never can tell. The Sandpeople always ride in single file to hide their numbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ezsh1/how_many_sandpeople_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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An Asylum Tour

A benefactor by the name of John is touring an asylum to see how it is being ran. Occasionally, he sees an unusual patient and stops to talk.
The first man he comes across is grabbing the sides of his head and making a marked twisting motion. Concerned, John asks him what he's doing. Well, sir, the patient says "I'm trying to get my head screwed on tight so I can get the fuck out of here."
The second patient, upon seeing John, sudden pulls down his pants and shits in his hands. He then proceeds to mold it into a cube. He looks at John, and without prompting, says he is 'getting his shit together so he can get the fuck out of there'.
Surprised, John moves on until he sees a young man with his dick in a bag of peanuts. Unnerved, he asks the young man why he's doing this. "Well, gosh, sir. I'm fucking nuts and I'm never gonna get out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ezs9p/an_asylum_tour/
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Why does the NSA hate the winter?

They got snowed in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ezq9l/why_does_the_nsa_hate_the_winter/
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A new study of dolphins was recently performed...

The study showed that within a few weeks in captivity, they were able to teach humans to stand at the edge of their pool and throw fish at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eznl2/a_new_study_of_dolphins_was_recently_performed/
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Why can't you play UNO with Mexicans?

Because they steal all the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ezmxx/why_cant_you_play_uno_with_mexicans/
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The god Thor is bored one day and decided to try out having sex with a mortal woman...

He heads down to earth and finds a beautiful young woman. Pouring on the charm, he convinces her to go to bed with him. He goes back to her place and enjoys her in every possible way, absolutely plowing her with all his god-like strength and endurance. 7 hours later, he rolls off. She's laying there, gasping and panting, shaking, and exhausted from the most incredible sex she's ever had in her life. She can't even speak. All she can do is stroke his chest with a trembling hand. He understands her point, though. He was amazing.
"I've got a confession to make," he says. "I'm actually Thor."
"You're thor!? I'm tho thor, I won't be able to thit down for a week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ezkv6/the_god_thor_is_bored_one_day_and_decided_to_try/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ezjyx/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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My friend invited me to go and see a freak show...

He said 'they've got all sorts; a one eyed man called the cyclops, a woman covered in scales called the lizard lady, even a man with a willy where his nose should be'
'What do they call *him*' I asked
He said 'fuck knows'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ezj4y/my_friend_invited_me_to_go_and_see_a_freak_show/
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Did you hear about the referee that got fired from the NBA?

Supposedly he's a whistleblower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ezi7h/did_you_hear_about_the_referee_that_got_fired/
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I wrote a terrible race joke today. My friends told me never to tell it. Here it is: Why was the white man chasing the black man?

Because he was in first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ezedr/i_wrote_a_terrible_race_joke_today_my_friends/
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A guy meets a prostitute in a bar ...

She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $500 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $500 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eyyd8/a_guy_meets_a_prostitute_in_a_bar/
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Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eyxxh/ancient_chinese_torture/
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What do you call the security guards outside a Samsung factory?

Guardians of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eyuke/what_do_you_call_the_security_guards_outside_a/
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My blind friend just tried LSD for the first time...

There was more tripping than usual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eyt36/my_blind_friend_just_tried_lsd_for_the_first_time/
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How do the Lanisters make large beds?

They put two twins together to make a king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eyr3w/how_do_the_lanisters_make_large_beds/
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A male prison guard asks a woman on death row what she would like for her last meal.

She replies, "I don't know, what do you want to eat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eyp8p/a_male_prison_guard_asks_a_woman_on_death_row/
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What do you call a bodybuilding Mexican who's run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eymrj/what_do_you_call_a_bodybuilding_mexican_whos_run/
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Cell references in excel are like gold diggers.

If you want them to stay in the same place you have to throw some money at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eyjpy/cell_references_in_excel_are_like_gold_diggers/
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How can you tell if your wife is dead? [NSFW]

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Didn't make this up, credit goes to the morning show I was listening to this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eyjev/how_can_you_tell_if_your_wife_is_dead_nsfw/
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Heaven and hell

A man dies and goes to see Saint Peter knocks on the pearly gates. Saint Peter greets the man and goes through his papers. “Huh, he says, that’s interesting. It turns out that you have had just as many virtues as vices in your life, so I guess I will leave it up to you, whether you want to go to heaven or hell”. The man thinks about it for a second and asks if he can have a look at both places before deciding. “Certainly”, Saint Peter says and they walk into paradise. Right there on the front lawn, and unattractive, old man is standing naked, and in front of him, a beautiful you woman is kneeling and giving him oral pleasure. “Not bad at all” the man thinks, as they take the elevator below ground to visit hell. As the elevator doors open, the man, to his astonishment sees a scene pretty much identical to the one he saw in heaven. “I guess hell isn’t too bad either” the man thinks, as they head back up. When they get back to the pearly gates, Saint Peter asks the man in which place he prefers to spend his afterlife. “Well”, said the man puzzled, “I’m a little surprised that heaven and hell were so similar. What’s the deal with that?”. “Don’t you see”, said Saint Peter, “the old man went to heaven, the young woman went to hell…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eyj5a/heaven_and_hell/
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How many racists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Racists dont like to be enlightened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eyh05/how_many_racists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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What did Satan name his new bar?

The BeelzebPub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eyc0s/what_did_satan_name_his_new_bar/
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When Chumlee gets out of prison he should do a show with Jared from Subway. They should call it...

Child Pawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ey9td/when_chumlee_gets_out_of_prison_he_should_do_a/
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Man goes to the Dr because his D!ck has turned Orange.

Man: Doctor, I have this orange dick, its freaking me out, have you ever heard of such a thing?
Doctor: Hmm interesting, mind if I take a peak?
So the man breaks out his bright orange man meat for the doctor to inspect.
Doctor: By god! You're not kidding, you just woke up and it was like this? Have you had any traumatic experiences lately?
Man: Well it started slowly turning slight orange a few weeks ago and it wasn't until this morning I realized it was like this- bright orange. Life has been very crazy lately though, my girlfriend recently left me after I lost my job and Ive been very stressed out and drinking a lot.
Doctor: Im sorry to hear that, what have you been doing since then?
Man: Honestly... Ive just been sitting around watching porn and eating Cheetos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ey357/man_goes_to_the_dr_because_his_dck_has_turned/
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There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ey2e4/theres_so_much_nudity_on_tv_these_days_it_makes/
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What do you call a chinese pedophile?

Pok Um Yung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4exx56/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_pedophile/
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Do you know why Trump's name is on all of his buildings?

So the banks know which ones to take back!
Ha cha cha!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4exjp8/do_you_know_why_trumps_name_is_on_all_of_his/
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What's it like to have a social life?

Asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ex4cd/whats_it_like_to_have_a_social_life/
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A guy goes to a supermarket to buy food...

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.
Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier.
The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ex33y/a_guy_goes_to_a_supermarket_to_buy_food/
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What do you get when you cross an octopus and a lion?

A stern rebuke from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawal of funds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ex0jt/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_octopus_and_a/
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I am Pierre

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a  pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre  grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.  "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.  Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When  I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre,  kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of  Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our hero stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in  flames!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewxy2/i_am_pierre/
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A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...

During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewvab/a_jury_finds_a_man_notguilty_in_court/
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A man walks into a bar,

And sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. Thinking this is rather odd, he goes over to the bartender and asks about the meat on the ceiling.
The bartender tells him, "if you can jump and touch any piece of meat up there, you get free drinks for the night. If, however, you miss, you have to buy rounds for everyone in the bar."
The man looks up at the meat, then back at the bartender, then around the room at all the hopeful faces, and finally says to the bartender,
"I think I'll pass, the steaks are too high"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewuwz/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I went to get a physical and the doctor told me I need to stop masturbating...

I said, "why?"
He said, "Because I am giving you a physical!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewsi3/i_went_to_get_a_physical_and_the_doctor_told_me_i/
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewrff/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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Mailman's last day

This long time mailman at this rural place is about to retire. All the ladies decided that they should do something special for his last day. The first house he goes to gives him a nice box of cigars. Second house, a nice pair of gloves and so on. Finally he arrives at Thompsons. The the lady of the house opens the door in a skimpy dress and takes him directly to the bedroom. After they are done, she serves him a big breakfast. When he is almost done, she pulls out a dollar bill and gives it to him. Surprised, he ask, "what is the dollar for?".
Well, I'm not sure. My husband wanted me to give it to you.
What do you mean?
Well, when I asked him what we should do for your last day, he said,  "fuck him! give him a dollar". The breakfast was my idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewqjc/mailmans_last_day/
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A mexican kid tells D. Trump:

I want to be President!
Trump says: are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of tour mind? Are you retarded?
Kid says: you know what, never mind those are too many requirements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewq3u/a_mexican_kid_tells_d_trump/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Nothing, she just gagged a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewpgw/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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Why did the hipster die?

someone told him billions of people were alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewlo5/why_did_the_hipster_die/
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Big Chief, No fart.

In a small Native community the Medicine Man is making a potion when Big Chief of the Tribe who is suffering from severe constipation walks in and says
"Big Chief No Fart"
The Medicine man Gives him a Potion from the shelf. Big Chief walks away.
The next day Big Chief walks in again and says
"Big Chief No Fart"
The medicine man this time prepares a fresh potion and gives it to Big Chief, Big Chief walks away.
The following day Big Chief walks into the medicine man's hut in severe stomach pain and crying he says.
"Big Chief No Fart!"
This time the medicine man starts to throw every ingredient he has, including eye of newt into the pot. and gives Big Chief the potion. Big chief walks away.
five minutes later Big Chief's Wife runs into the medicine man's hut yelling.
"Big Fart, No Chief!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewkru/big_chief_no_fart/
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A spoiled brat is like a penis...

you have to beat it to make it grow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewkah/a_spoiled_brat_is_like_a_penis/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewgcq/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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The Ultimate Rejection...

... Is when you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewedq/the_ultimate_rejection/
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Are you Russian?

Cause I'll be Putin my dick in your mouth tonight.
(Don't use as a pick up line doesn't work)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewbw8/are_you_russian/
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being raped by a giant scorpion..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewbf5/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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I was offered sex today.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewavb/i_was_offered_sex_today/
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What does your money become when you combine "the" and "IRS"?

Theirs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ew9qo/what_does_your_money_become_when_you_combine_the/
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A guy finds an old brass lamp sticking out of the sand.

He takes it home, starts to polish it up, and a genie pops out.
"Hey, you're a genie, right? I get three wishes, don't I?"
"Yes, I'm a genie. No, we used to do that, but people were asking for all kinds of crazy things that made a lot of trouble. So now, you get your choice of one of two wishes. You can either have a better sex life, or a better golf game."
"Gee, my short game is terrible, and it's a miracle if I sink a putt over ten feet. I'll take the golf thing."
"Really? You know, I've been doing this a while, and you're the first that didn't want a better sex life. You must be wearing yourself out. Hugh Hefner in his prime. What, are you getting a different hot chick every night?"
"Oh, nothing like that."
"Well, at least some chick every night."
"No, more like once a week, if that."
"You're telling me that you're only having sex once a week, and you don't feel a need for improvement?"
"Hey, I think I do pretty well with the ladies for a priest in a small town who doesn't drive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ew641/a_guy_finds_an_old_brass_lamp_sticking_out_of_the/
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Grammar Nazi.

"Sir, we are mining too many useless cores"
[Hitler rubs chin]
"So, mine less.
[Grammar Nazi bursts through the door]
"MINE FEWER!"
[Hitler looks up]
"Yes, soldier?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ew4n8/grammar_nazi/
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A new patient arrives to the asylum...

and sees that the others are sitting around on chairs and telling each others numbers.
One of them goes - 65 - big laughter.
Then the next one: - 23 - Even more laughs from the crowd.
He asks the caretaker what's going on. - Oh, they are always telling the same jokes, so they numbered them and now just tell the numbers instead.
The new guy decides to try it and says the first number that comes to his mind - ...213.
Now the patients are laughing frantically, a few almost fall off their chairs. Finally he asks them: - Why are you laughing so hard?
\- We never heard this one before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ew1fy/a_new_patient_arrives_to_the_asylum/
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I tried to go for classes on contraception.

But in the end, I just pulled out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ew0va/i_tried_to_go_for_classes_on_contraception/
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What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??

You gonna eat that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4evxj2/what_did_mike_tyson_say_to_vincent_van_gogh/
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A young girl goes to a priest to confess...

"Forgive me father, because I have sinned", the girl said.
"What did you do, my child" the priest replied
"Well, I told a guy he is a bastard"
"And why did you do that?"
"Well, because he touched me..."
"Like this?" And the father started touching the girl.
"Yes like that"
"But that's no reason to call someone a bastard, isn't it?"
"No" she replied "But then he started to touch my boobs"
"Like this?" And the father started touching the girl's boobs
"Yes like that father" she moaned silently
"But that's no reason to call someone a bastard, my child"
"But then he started to take off my clothes"
"Like this?" He asked while removing her clothes
"Yes like that!"
"But that's still no reason to call him that"
"No, but then he put his you know in my you know..." the girl said
"Just like this?" And he started to put his you know in her you know...
"Yes Father, Yes yes yes father" screamed the girl
(after a couple of minutes)
"But that's still no reason to call him a bastard" the priest said
"But then he said he had AIDS!"
"Fuckin' bastard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4evvbo/a_young_girl_goes_to_a_priest_to_confess/
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Three men are flying in a plane...

one has a lot of money, one has a lot of beers, and one has a lot of bombs.
The man with the money throws all the money out the window. When the other men ask why, he says he thought it would be fun, so the others follow suit.
They land and go their separate ways. The man with a lot of money comes across a man looking shocked and pleased, and asks him what's going on. He replies, "I put a dollar in a vending machine and a million bucks fell on my head!"
The man with all the beers comes across a very happy, very drunk man, and asks what's going on. He replies, "I walked out of a bar and a million beers fell on my head!"
The man with all the bombs comes across a man laughing so hard he can't stand up. He asks what's so funny, and the man responds, "I farted and a building blew up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4evn6m/three_men_are_flying_in_a_plane/
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Man sees a girl with the best set of breasts he's ever seen...

He approaches her and said "Hi miss. You have the most beautiful set of breasts i've ever seen. I'll pay you $100 if you let me bite them."
The woman, offended, replies " Not in a million years creep! Leave me alone."
The man walks away. After a while, he approaches the girl again and says "Miss i just cannot let go of the fact that your breasts are so damn beautiful. I'll pay you $1,000 if you let me bite them."
The girl, furious, slaps the man and says "I told you not in a million years now leave me alone or i'm calling the cops!"
The man walks away again. After a few minutes he comes back and tries to persuade the girl one last time. "Hi miss, here's my final offer. I'll pay you $100,000 if you let me bite your breasts."
The woman, thinking how much stuff she could do with $100,000 replies "F-fine... but not here. Let's go to the alley at the back."
They walk back to the alley. She unbuttons her shirt to reveal the most beautiful pair of breasts he's ever seen. A tear falls from his eye. "I was right" he says as he started touching, groping and licking them.
After a few minutes, the woman gets frustrated and says "Hey buddy, just bite it already!"
The man stops, stands up straight and starts walking away and says "Nah, too expensive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4evhpb/man_sees_a_girl_with_the_best_set_of_breasts_hes/
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Why is Pokemon quite realistic?

Because in the games, Bug-types are effective against Dark-types. Just like malaria in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4evhhu/why_is_pokemon_quite_realistic/
%
My love is like a candle...

If you forget about me, I'll burn your fucking house down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4evdmg/my_love_is_like_a_candle/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4evbz0/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
What's the hardest thing about having a colostomy bag?

Finding shoes to go with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4evab1/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_having_a_colostomy/
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What They Call Angus

Angus, a Scotsman from a small village, gets well into his pints with a younger man from the next village over, and is soon lamenting his lot in life.
"I get no respect around here," Angus says. "None at all. Here -- ya see this bar?" Angus slaps the space between their mugs. "I made this bar! I went out in the forest, in the cold and the snow, chopped down the tallest pine. Dragged it back to town, cut it myself, picked the best planks, sanded them, fitted them, varnished them, just so we'd have a nice place to set our drinks at end of day.
"Now. Do they call me 'Angus the Bar-Maker'?" He scoffs. "Heh! ***No***.
"Or take that wall!" He points across the pub. "See that? I *built* that wall. I went out in the quarry in the cold and the snow, cut out each stone, brought 'em back, stacked 'em up each one, so we'd have a sturdy wall to keep out the wind at end of day.
"Ahhh!" he continues. "Do they call me 'Angus the Wall-Builder'?
"***Nooooo.***
"And ya see these mugs, lad? I *made* these mugs! I went down the mines in the cold and the snow, dug out the iron ore, smelted it, rolled it out, forged the mugs, just so we'd have a way to enjoy a pint or two at end of day -- but do they call me 'Angus the Mug-Crafter'...?!'
He shakes his head. "***NOOOOOOO.***
"But ya fuck *one goat*....!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ev9wl/what_they_call_angus/
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Did you hear about the math teacher...

...who used a ladder to solve a calculus problem written at the very top of his blackboard?
He really rose to the equation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ev9h7/did_you_hear_about_the_math_teacher/
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Right and Wrong

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ev6r0/right_and_wrong/
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dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming

turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ev40u/dwights_farm_as_suffered_a_massive_blight_almost/
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If vegans are so smart...

Then why do we call brain-dead people vegetables?
p.s. Im sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ev3dk/if_vegans_are_so_smart/
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A man lost flying in a hot air balloon...

decides he should lower the balloon over a field. He spots a man in the field and gets close enough to speak with him.
"Excuse me sir, can you tell me where I am?"
the man in the field replies "Yeah you are in a hot air balloon about 30 feet in the air"
"you must work in IT" says the man in the balloon.
"How do you know that?"
"Well, the information you gave me was accurate, but in no way helpful to the situation"
"Ah" says the man in the field "You must be a manager"
"and how would you know that?"
"Well, you are lost and you have no idea where you are or where you are going and some how it has become my fault"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ev3bv/a_man_lost_flying_in_a_hot_air_balloon/
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A Native American boy goes to his father...

A Native American boy goes to his father and asks,
"Father, how did you choose my sister and I's names?"
"Well son, I named you guys after the first thing I saw outside the tent when you were born. I named your sister Morning Sun because I saw the sun when she was born.
Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ev2f6/a_native_american_boy_goes_to_his_father/
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At a fabric store

, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk, "How much does it costs?"
“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.
“That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.
The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ev1nl/at_a_fabric_store/
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Guy applies for a job as a Prison Officer

The interviewer says Hello, can I offer you a coffee before we start?"
The guy says "No thanks, I don't drink coffee.
The interviewer asks "Is there anything about you that would hinder your ability to do your job?"
The guy says "I have no testicles, I lost them in Kabul, but this shouldn't stop me performing my duties as a Corrections Officer".
The interviewer is impressed with the remainder of the interview and offers the candidate the position. He says "The hours are 0800 to 1700, but you may as well come in from 1000 til 1700.
The guy asks why and the interviewer says "Well, for the first two hours we all stand around scratching our balls and drinking coffee, and there's no point you coming in for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4euuvy/guy_applies_for_a_job_as_a_prison_officer/
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I broke up with my girlfriend over religious beliefs

She didn't believe I was god.
(Credit: Artie Lange)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eutgr/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_over_religious/
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A duck walks into a bar...

And he asks the bartender, "you got any grapes?". Bartender says no. So the duck walks out.
About an hour later the duck walks back into the same bar. He asks the bartender, "you got any grapes?". Bartender says "We still don't have any fucking grapes". So the duck walks out.
About an hour after that, that duck waddled back into the same bar. He looks like he's going to ask the bartender something before the bartender slams his fist on the bar and says "We don't have and grapes, Duck, and frankly I'm sick of you asking. So if you ask one more time I'm gonna nail your bloody feet to the floor" Duck says nothing, walks out.
THE VERY NEXT DAY same duck walks into same bar. He looks up to that bartender and asks, "hey do you have any nails?" Bartender says "No". Duck says "Oh...well do you have any grapes, then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4euroi/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I always wanted to see Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up

They'd be great alloys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eujwe/i_always_wanted_to_see_silver_surfer_and_iron_man/
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What do you call a woman who does not have all her toes on one foot?

Normal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eue58/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_does_not_have_all/
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What's long, straight, and found between a pair of legs?

The hypotenuse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eucrz/whats_long_straight_and_found_between_a_pair_of/
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Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late..

..April fools!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eua9b/girlfriend_said_i_think_im_pregnant_im_two_weeks/
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100 year old communism joke

A nobleman had a servant who was violently opposed to capitalism and devoted most of his free time attending meetings where communistic theories were expounded and applauded.
The nobleman was tolerant because the servant was so diligent in the performance of his duties.
Suddenly the servant stopped going to the communist meetings and after several weeks the nobleman became curious and asked the reason.
"At the last meeting I attended," said the servant, "it was proved that if all the wealth in the country were divided equally among all the people, the share of each person would be two thousand francs."
"So what?" asked the nobleman
"Well I have five thousand francs...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eu76f/100_year_old_communism_joke/
%
Kermit the frog walks into a bank to request a loan.

He meets the loan officer whose name is Mr. Paddywack. Paddywack says what can I do for you Kermit?
Kermit says I'd like to get a loan for $20,000.
Well that's a lot of money Kermit.  What kind of collateral do you have asks Paddywack.
Kermit tells him I have a grey ceramic elephant.
Paddywack says that's a little unusual.  But you're a big star and all.  I'll go and ask the bank manager.
So Paddywack goes into the manager's office and says Kermit the Frog is here.
The manager says what does he want Paddywack?
He wants a loan for $20,000.
Well what kind of collateral does he have, the manager asks.
Paddywack says he has a grey ceramic elephant.
The manager says...
It's a knick Knack Paddywack.  Give the frog a loan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eu5pu/kermit_the_frog_walks_into_a_bank_to_request_a/
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Two bananas laying by a river

Two bananas were laying by a river, enjoying the sunshine.  Along comes a piece of poop floating by, and it yells out to the bananas, "you guys should get in, the water feels fantastic!".
One banana looks at the other and says, "You believe that shit?!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eu5ke/two_bananas_laying_by_a_river/
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What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eu0g6/whats_the_difference_between_love_true_love_and/
%
The hardest thing about being a pedophile

Is trying to fit in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ettqc/the_hardest_thing_about_being_a_pedophile/
%
Why do people like amputee porn?

It fucking stumps me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ets0r/why_do_people_like_amputee_porn/
%
What's the matter?

Hydrogen, mostly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4etmk5/whats_the_matter/
%
A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court
"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".
The defense lawyer counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens.
" Ah ha!" says the defense "you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that their is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty."
The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. "But you all looked!" Says the lawyer. "Yes," says the Jury, "but your client didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4etdz4/a_man_is_in_court_for_murder/
%
What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4etbfz/what_did_the_pacific_ocean_say_to_the_atlantic/
%
I had a blind date tonight

Her name was ⠠⠙⠊⠁⠝⠁

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4et8mz/i_had_a_blind_date_tonight/
%
Why did the melons get married in a church?

Because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4et80n/why_did_the_melons_get_married_in_a_church/
%
Why do traffic lights turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4et7st/why_do_traffic_lights_turn_red/
%
The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!

(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4et6mt/the_best_sean_connery_joke_in_existence/
%
Can February March?

No, but April May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4et5zk/can_february_march/
%
As I looked at myself naked in the mirror I thought to myself...

I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea in a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4et466/as_i_looked_at_myself_naked_in_the_mirror_i/
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Kobe was one of the best Lakers players of all time

But Magic Johnson was definitely the most positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4et45w/kobe_was_one_of_the_best_lakers_players_of_all/
%
What do you call a group of black people?

Antique farm equipment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4et2ok/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_black_people/
%
A magician performed aboard a cruise liner...

...and his act kept getting ruined by the captain's pet parrot.
The parrot kept going, " *squawk* It's up his sleeve!" or, " *squawk* It's under his hat!"
One day the parrot did his usual nonsense. " *squawk* He's hiding it in his coat!" The magician whipped out a gun and tried to shoot the bird, but he missed and ended up hitting a fuel tank instead. The tank ruptured and exploded, causing the cruise liner to sink.
The only survivors were the parrot and the magician. After floating around for a while, the parrot broke the silence.
"All right, I give up. Where's the damn ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4et11y/a_magician_performed_aboard_a_cruise_liner/
%
I once farted in an Apple Store...

I once farted in an Apple Store. They got mad at me and I said it's your fault, you don't have windows﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4esw37/i_once_farted_in_an_apple_store/
%
I won't believe corporations are people

Until Texas executes one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4esuaz/i_wont_believe_corporations_are_people/
%
The team that finished first in the local boat race were allowed to keep their boat.

Scenes of celebration broke out when they realized they had won the champion ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4esu9z/the_team_that_finished_first_in_the_local_boat/
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What do you call it when you get a blowjob from a woman with Zika?

A little head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4estvo/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_get_a_blowjob_from_a/
%
A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4estbo/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_bar/
%
Had a vasectomy, was told it would stop my ability to have kids...

Apparently it just makes them change colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4esoa3/had_a_vasectomy_was_told_it_would_stop_my_ability/
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I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke...

–but you didn't like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eso1v/i_thought_id_tell_you_a_good_time_travel_joke/
%
I painted my iPhone black so it would run faster.

Now I need to jailbreak it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eshae/i_painted_my_iphone_black_so_it_would_run_faster/
%
Neil deGrasse Tyson walks into a bar. Everyone leaves.

"EVERYONE?" he chuckles to himself. "7.4 billion humans couldn't fit in this space."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4esgg2/neil_degrasse_tyson_walks_into_a_bar_everyone/
%
I fired a man named Diarrhea today...

His shit wasn't together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4esfau/i_fired_a_man_named_diarrhea_today/
%
What's a frog's favorite type of music?

Hip hop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4esetm/whats_a_frogs_favorite_type_of_music/
%
On the other side of the fence, next to my dentist's office, is the courtyard of a mental hospital...

After my appointment, I was walking back to my car when I heard some of the patients on the other side of the fence chanting, "Thirteen...Thirteen..."
I spotted a knothole in the fence, so I bent over to take a look at what was going on.
No sooner had I put my eye up to the knothole when one of them poked me in the eye!
I staggered back, cursing and rubbing my eye, when I heard them chanting, "Fourteen...Fourteen..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4esaip/on_the_other_side_of_the_fence_next_to_my/
%
What has 10 letters and starts with Gas?

Automobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4es0o1/what_has_10_letters_and_starts_with_gas/
%
Me: "Aw, your baby is cute. How old?"

Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?"
Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4es01q/me_aw_your_baby_is_cute_how_old/
%
I got emotional because it's my cake day today

Even the cake is in tiers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4erz77/i_got_emotional_because_its_my_cake_day_today/
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I have a serious salad problem...

...it needs a dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4erxwn/i_have_a_serious_salad_problem/
%
Indian restaurants make most of their money off of the bread..

They're naan-profit organizations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ersvz/indian_restaurants_make_most_of_their_money_off/
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Sherlock Holmes is caught by Watson in bed with a very young woman (Stolen from r/imgoingtohellforthis).

Watson walks in on Sherlock in coital relations with a young woman. As she's covering up Watson asks
"Jesus, is she still in high school?"
Sherlock replies "Elementary, my dear Watson!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4errxc/sherlock_holmes_is_caught_by_watson_in_bed_with_a/
%
A man is in a plane crash and washes up on a deserted island...

He's there for weeks, and is nearly losing hope. Finally one day, a box floats up onto the beach: RESCUE KIT. He's ecstatically excited, thinking he's finally free. But when he opens it up, all there is is a deck of cards. He breaks down sobbing, thinking "How ridiculous! What kind of rescue kit is this!?"
But later he gets bored. He deals out a game of solitaire on a rock and starts playing. Not even two minutes go by when a man is standing behind him. "Hey, put the red 8 on the black 9".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ernvt/a_man_is_in_a_plane_crash_and_washes_up_on_a/
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There was a prison break and I locked eyes with a midget as he climbed up the fence.

As he jumped over he sneered at me and I thought, "Well, that's a little condescending."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ermf5/there_was_a_prison_break_and_i_locked_eyes_with_a/
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I went to buy Dark Souls III..

It was souled out... ... ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4erh3m/i_went_to_buy_dark_souls_iii/
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One eared Admiral

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Navy and eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes sir you wear contact lenses."
The Admiral, impressed thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4erf6p/one_eared_admiral/
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What do you call a horse that lives next to you?

A Neigh-bor.
Sorry for my horrible dad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4erduv/what_do_you_call_a_horse_that_lives_next_to_you/
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My favourite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her face and watch her struggle to get out of the car!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4erdnt/my_favourite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
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My friend had a stroke and half his body went dead

He's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4erd56/my_friend_had_a_stroke_and_half_his_body_went_dead/
%
Studies show that a lot of women turn into good drivers

So If you're a good driver, look out for women turning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4erajt/studies_show_that_a_lot_of_women_turn_into_good/
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I’m in trouble with my wife. I totally forgot her ‘special birthday’ that was such a big deal apparently.

Still, everything went fine and it was a healthy baby boy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4er5tb/im_in_trouble_with_my_wife_i_totally_forgot_her/
%
The worst part about spring...

Getting sued by the Fine Brothers for having an allergic reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4er3u0/the_worst_part_about_spring/
%
I won my first cage fight last night...

Fucking Parrot didn't know what hit it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqzim/i_won_my_first_cage_fight_last_night/
%
fight club

I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqzbh/fight_club/
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An American and a German architect...

... bet who can build a skyscraper in the least amount of time. After a month the American mails the German: "Only 10 days and I'll be finished."
The German writes back: "Hah, that's nothing. Only 10 forms left and I am allowed to start."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqyn8/an_american_and_a_german_architect/
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the “P” is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqxnm/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
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Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school.

She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqvoi/josey_wasnt_the_best_pupil_at_sunday_school/
%
Hey, did you hear that Carbon and Oxygen broke up?

Yeah, it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Personally, I never saw it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqvo7/hey_did_you_hear_that_carbon_and_oxygen_broke_up/
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Who was the roundest knight in King Arthur's court?

Circumference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqqse/who_was_the_roundest_knight_in_king_arthurs_court/
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whats the difference between a ginger and a brick?

the brick gets laid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqpj3/whats_the_difference_between_a_ginger_and_a_brick/
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The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here"

A time traveler walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqpg1/the_barman_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
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A woman goes to the doctor...

A woman goes to the doctor with a raspberry in her left nostril, a string bean in her right, a carrot in her right ear and a banana in her left. The woman says
"Doctor, I don't fell so well."
And the doctor replied
"Well for one thing, you're *definitely* not eating correctly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqnk1/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
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2 Goldfish are in a tank.

One turns to the other and asks "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqmg4/2_goldfish_are_in_a_tank/
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Old school rash

A young woman walks into a doctor's office complaining about a rash on her chest. Upon examination, the doctor discovers the rash is in the shape of a 'Y'. The doctor asks the woman if she can think of anything which might explain it.
"Well," the woman replies, "it could be my boyfriend. You see, he goes to Yale and when we have sex he insists on wearing his letter sweater."
The doctor tells the woman to make her boyfriend take off the sweater before they have sex. Later that same day another woman comes in with a rash on her chest, this one in the shape of an 'H'.
When questioned, the woman explains that her boyfriend goes to Harvard and insists on wearing his letter sweater when they have sex. The doctor gives the second woman the same advice as the first and sends he on her way. Later yet another woman comes into the office with a rash in the shape of an 'M'.
Before the woman can explain, the doctor exclaims, "I bet your boyfriend goes to Michigan!"
A smile breaks across the woman's face as she exclaims, "No! My girlfriend goes to Wesleyan!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqk0y/old_school_rash/
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What happens if you castrate a corn cob?

It becomes a eunuchcorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqiui/what_happens_if_you_castrate_a_corn_cob/
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Marriage jokes

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,  “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqbe3/marriage_jokes/
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A guy shows up late for work

Off to work
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqa5d/a_guy_shows_up_late_for_work/
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Just bought the extended version of The Hobbit.

Bilbo is 7' 6" now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eq9pu/just_bought_the_extended_version_of_the_hobbit/
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Donald Trump's doctor has recently prescribed him Prozac.

He told him it would help him control hispanics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eq93i/donald_trumps_doctor_has_recently_prescribed_him/
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So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying, “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front.”
“Here are the documents, as well,” he says as he hands over a tiny stack of papers.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank. Everything checks out.
So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says, “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely.”
Then he adds, “But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.”
“While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies, “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eq6z5/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bank_in_manhattan_and_asks/
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An American woman, a Japanese woman, and a Filipino woman joined a contest to know who had the widest gaping vagina.

The American woman stepped onto the stage and put in a can of coke in her vagina. The crowd clapped.
The Japanese woman stepped onto the stage and put in a big watermelon in her vagina. The crowd applauded.
The Filipino woman stepped onto the stage and put a coin in her vagina. The crowd booed. The Filipino woman held a microphone to her mouth. She sang to the tune of a jukebox. The crowd went hysterical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eq67l/an_american_woman_a_japanese_woman_and_a_filipino/
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If I got a dollar for every time a girl told me I was unattractive ..

.. I'd eventually be attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eq3pb/if_i_got_a_dollar_for_every_time_a_girl_told_me_i/
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A pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away

This was a grave mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eq2uy/a_pun_loving_old_man_forgot_to_order_his/
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A genie and an idiot

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eq169/a_genie_and_an_idiot/
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Black Eye

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon.
The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?"
The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?'
"So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her skirt down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummeled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face."
The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye?"
"Turns out we watch different movies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4epjpj/black_eye/
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What porn do Saudis get away with?

Camel toes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ep80b/what_porn_do_saudis_get_away_with/
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What do you call a lonely cow?

Beef Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ep63c/what_do_you_call_a_lonely_cow/
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(Star Wars) If Finn and Rey hooked up and had a child

The child would definitely be on the dark side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ep26x/star_wars_if_finn_and_rey_hooked_up_and_had_a/
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sex while camping?

Now that's fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eoy2w/sex_while_camping/
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Menstruation is NOT a laughing matter.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eoxj0/menstruation_is_not_a_laughing_matter/
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what do you call a magical dog?

A Labracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eotlw/what_do_you_call_a_magical_dog/
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Reddit is to socialising

...what a gloryhole is to love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eosd7/reddit_is_to_socialising/
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What do you call a group of Spanish-speaking moms who band together to protect their neighborhood?

Super Barrio Mothers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eosbw/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_spanishspeaking_moms/
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I like my women how i like my coffee

Without a penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eopwv/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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The man named Yuri...

There once was a man named Yuri.
Yuri had lived in Russia all of his life, in a small town near Moscow. The town had horrible weather conditions almost all of the time and very few people lived there. Everyone living in the town was struggling to survive in such poor conditions. Yuri had lived alone in a small house in this town. He worked every day at a factory that was close to this town. It was hard work, and Yuri was never very happy with his work, but he kept enduring the rough conditions to be able to have an income. Yuri's life had been like this for several years, and he had endured many hardships during these times.
Every day, while Yuri was taking his walk to the factory before work began, he always passed by a large billboard on the side of the road. The billboard changed every month or so, usually showing an irrelevant advertisement for something that Yuri had little interest in. Today, however, Yuri noticed a new advertisement on the billboard. It read, "SWIMMING LESSONS" in large letters, accompanied by a picture of a large man swimming through the water. This ad had given Yuri something to be interested in. He had always had an intense passion for swimming, but it was always too difficult to practice in the frigid waters of the lake near his home. Yuri continued to read the ad before he finally came to the price: 5000 Rubles base fee.
Yuri was sad, because this was much more than Yuri could afford to spend. However, he thought to himself, "If I could save up enough money from the factory work, then by the end of the month, I should have enough..." After this, he decided that day that he would work as hard as he could to make sure he had enough money by the end of the month. He even had to cut back his food supply by just a small amount to still have enough money. Finally, at the end of the month, Yuri finally had enough money to be able to go to the swimming pool not far from his home where the practices were being held.
Every day after his hard work at the factory, he greatly enjoyed going back to the pool and practicing his swimming. He had started quickly and advanced rapidly. Everyone who frequented the pool to practice their swimming was impressed by Yuri's natural ability to be able to learn and adapt so quickly, becoming very popular with the people at the pool, his hometown, and even in Moscow. It was truly a passion of Yuri's.
A few months had passed, and Yuri's amazing swimming abilities had been noticed by people in places all across Russia, considering a swimming prodigy. Yuri was always modest about his skills, but was humble nonetheless. However, he still had to continue his work at the factory, and live in the same small house he had lived in since he was born. For him, swimming was the one thing that saved him from the cruel and harsh life he lived.
Later that month, on his way to the factory once again, he had noticed that the billboard he so often passed had changed once again. While it was difficult to read in the unrelenting snowstorm, he managed to make out the words "DIVING PRACTICES" in big letters. Diving was something that Yuri had also found to be interesting, but could never find the time nor place to practice properly. The pool he went to had no diving boards or excessively deep sections of the pool, so it was hard for Yuri to practice diving. However, this would give him another opportunity to pursue what he wanted to do. He looked down at the bottom of the billboard and saw something that, like the other ad, made his heart drop. The base fee was 7500 Rubles.
Yuri knew that it would take another month or two of hard work at the factory to be able to achieve such a high sum of money. The factory was beginning to offer less and less money to Yuri, making life harder on him than it was before. He had to cut back his food money as well to accommodate for this. However, Yuri overcame the hardships in his life and save up just enough money by the end of two months.
The practices were held at another pool not far from the one he already went to, so it was easy for him to practice both swimming and diving at once. He continued to master his swimming skills while also learning how to practice diving. Much like with swimming, however, he had picked up skills quickly, and it only took him another few months before he had mastered diving.
Many people had heard of Yuri at this point. Several news stories across Russia were focused around Yuri, who was considered to be the best swimmer and diver in the whole country. He continued to remain incredibly modest through all of his interviews. "It is only something I am fond of, a hobby" Yuri would say. "I still have a life in the factory that I must attend to every day. It is a hard life, so swimming and diving are what I use to keep myself healthy." Despite his fame and popularity, Yuri did continue to work at the factory day in and day out, receiving little pay and little food for all of his hard work. Despite all of Yuri's hardships, he continued his daily routine of working, swimming, and diving.
For yet another time, Yuri was on his way to the factory. The billboard had changed once again. Yuri anticipated something exciting on the billboard, and he was not disappointed at what he saw. "TRAVEL TO AMERICA TODAY!" read the ad. Yuri was very interested. He had always heard of America, and had heard nothing but positive things about it. The land of the free! It was a very exciting idea to Yuri. However, he knew that with ads like these, he knew they would come at a steep price. Unfortunately, he thought correctly. The boats that traveled to America were advertised as costing 60,000 Rubles.
Yuri knew that that kind of sum would come from only another year or so of hard work at the factory. The factory work had become increasingly more difficult every single day, with little pay, food, and free time. However, he endured the next year the same way he endured the previous years: with swimming and diving. It truly was his passion, and Yuri was not sure on how he would have survived without them.
Finally, the year had passed, and Yuri had finally saved up enough Rubles to be able to ride the boat to America. He climbed aboard the boat with all of his possessions with him, all managing to fit in one small suitcase. The boat was somewhat small in size, being able to house only around 20 or so people. The boat set sail across the cold waters of the ocean. About a day had passed when people had finally recognized Yuri, the famed Russian swimmer and diver. They were all very excited to meet Yuri, and had several questions to ask him about his swimming skills. "It is nothing much, just a passion of mine, that is all. It is something I use to endure the hardships and trials of my life..." Yuri would always respond to his fans.
One day the boat had to make a stop at a small island to fill up the boat's gas supply, for they had much less than they had expected to have. It was a nice, sunny day outside, and the water was said to be very warm. One of the passengers asked Yuri to show off some of his diving techniques to his fans, since they had time to kill before the boat would depart again. "Hey, Yuri! While we wait, could you show us some of your diving skills? I would LOVE to see them!" Yuri was hesitant at first. Another passenger asked, "And maybe once you have done that, could you show us your swimming techniques? The water is warm, and it would make my day to see them!" Yuri replied, "Well... ok, if you all insist I do it."
Yuri looked off the side of the boat. On the bottom of the boat, a balcony extended from the bottom. Yuri feared he might hit the balcony on his dive down, but everyone else assured Yuri that he wouldn't hit it in a million years. Yuri stepped up over the railing, onto the side of the boat. With the same skill that he had used so many times before, he demonstrated his graceful diving skills by performing his favorite dive he knew. His fans watched in amazement as his body twirled through the air beautifully, showing the same amount of skill he put into each of his other dives. As he dove down towards the war waters below, people watched and expected for Yuri to land smoothly in the water.
Unfortunately, Yuri never landed in the water. He landed instead on the solid, hard deck of the boat's balcony below. The impact sounded painful, and all of the spectators winced on pain over his fall. Yuri remained motionless for several seconds, and his fans began to worry. Many people were about to call for medics when Yuri managed to get up slowly. "Are you alright Yuri? That fall looked hard! That must have broken some bones!" Yuri, however, had barely an injury. As he had gotten up, he simply regained his sense of direction. This had amazed several people, as that kind of a fall would have surely broken any other person's bones, if not killed them. Instead, Yuri simply stood up with barely a scratch, and waved back at the row of spectators.
"It is OK, everybody" Yuri yelled back. "I have endured many hardships in my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eoojb/the_man_named_yuri/
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A black man meets a white girl in a club.

They go back to the girls house and  start making out. The girl says seductively "show me that its true what they say about Black Guys". The man then precedes to stab the girl take her purse and   run off faster then the wind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eomhj/a_black_man_meets_a_white_girl_in_a_club/
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Tell a sad story in 4 words

Lifetime Cleveland Browns fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eomcf/tell_a_sad_story_in_4_words/
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I didn't believe women were getting their assholes bleached

Then my sisters boyfriend took his hat off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eohqx/i_didnt_believe_women_were_getting_their_assholes/
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Always ask "are you voting for Sanders?" before sex.

If they say "yes" you know they are too young.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eog7p/always_ask_are_you_voting_for_sanders_before_sex/
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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

"See you next month"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eog29/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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What kind of cancer always stands by the government?

Pro-state cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eodbl/what_kind_of_cancer_always_stands_by_the/
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What did the owl say to the squirrel?

Nothing. Because owls don't talk. Then it ate the squirrel, because owls are birds of prey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eoa0j/what_did_the_owl_say_to_the_squirrel/
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A new twist on a new twist of an old joke

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He couldn't count because he was dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eo4r2/a_new_twist_on_a_new_twist_of_an_old_joke/
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I wish I had emo hair

So it would cut its self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eo11x/i_wish_i_had_emo_hair/
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A woman is working at a sperm bank...

A woman is working behind the counter of a sperm bank. Suddenly a man wearing a ski mask and holding a gun comes running in.
He yells at her,
"Alright, no sudden movements and you don't get hurt. Now, grab one of those bottles of cum behind you."
Confused, the woman turns around and grabs one of the tubes.
"NOW DRINK IT!"
"What?? NO!", She says.
He cocks back the gun pointed at her head. "Do it. Now"
After she chugs back the whole vial, the man takes off his ski mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says,
"See, that wasn't so bad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4enz07/a_woman_is_working_at_a_sperm_bank/
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So proton calls up electron and says, "Electron! It's proton, where the hell are you?"

And electron says, "Um, I don't know. But I can tell you were I probably am!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4enw1c/so_proton_calls_up_electron_and_says_electron_its/
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ḱley (Proto-Indo-European)-> κλίμα, κλίνω (Greek)-> clima (Latin)-> climat (French)-> climate

Climate change is man-made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4envaq/ḱley_protoindoeuropean_κλίμα_κλίνω_greek_clima/
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A Communist, Socialist and Capitalist all agree to meet at a cafe.

The Communist and the Capitalist arrive on time but the Socialist is late.
A hour later, the Socialist rushes in.
'Sorry I'm late guys' he said, 'I had to wait in line for a sausage'.
'What's a line?' asked the Capitalist.
'What's a sausage?' asked the Communist﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4enuzq/a_communist_socialist_and_capitalist_all_agree_to/
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For sale: The entire Internet on 33,674,964,367 DVDs.

Or without porn, on 54 DVDs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ent7e/for_sale_the_entire_internet_on_33674964367_dvds/
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What's Jian Ghomeshi's favorite vegetable?

Artichoke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ensvk/whats_jian_ghomeshis_favorite_vegetable/
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Did you hear about the hunter who traded a prize deer for a high class prostitute?

He got the best bang for his buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ens9j/did_you_hear_about_the_hunter_who_traded_a_prize/
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What do you call a vampire ophthalmologist?

Count Drocular

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4enroo/what_do_you_call_a_vampire_ophthalmologist/
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Did you hear about Helen Keller's dating life?

because I heard she wasn't seeing anyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4enpz8/did_you_hear_about_helen_kellers_dating_life/
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Why are gas giants always so happy?

Because they're all jovial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4enpll/why_are_gas_giants_always_so_happy/
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[NSFW] What goes between boobs, and gets longer the more you pull on it?

A seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4enpeo/nsfw_what_goes_between_boobs_and_gets_longer_the/
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Pansexuality is the best…

fuck the rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4enp8m/pansexuality_is_the_best/
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What were the Zodiac Killer's Plans for Vacation?

To take a Cruz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4enidy/what_were_the_zodiac_killers_plans_for_vacation/
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Mike.

A small boy named Mike lived in a tiny Irish village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you're driving me crazy, Mike"
...One day, his mother went to check out how he was doing at school and the teacher told her honestly her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and that never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career... His mum simply could'nt accept such a feedback and she took her son out from that school. She even shifted to another city...
25 years later, that teacher got a cardiac disorder and all the doctors advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform.
Left with no other choice, she went for it, and the surgery was successful ...when she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, staring at her face which started turning blue. She was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died...
The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, til he turned back and saw our friend Mike working as a cleaner in that hospital who had unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner.
If you were thinking that Mike became a doctor, you've been watching too many soap operas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4engdk/mike/
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Why are no murders solved in West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA and no one has any teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4enbwz/why_are_no_murders_solved_in_west_virginia/
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So, today I found out that Starbucks coffee is an 8 on the ph scale

I guess that you could say all of those white girls are basic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4en9n6/so_today_i_found_out_that_starbucks_coffee_is_an/
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A depressed French baker sobs bitterly into the dough...

His life is pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4en8cb/a_depressed_french_baker_sobs_bitterly_into_the/
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A guy walks into a doctor's waiting room...

A guy goes into a doctor's waiting room, and sees four old men. One of them suddenly shouts "39", and the others all start laughing. "That's strange", he thought. " 23", shouts another man, again followed by hysterics. "46" a third man shouted followed by further laughter.
"Why does everyone keep laughing at these numbers?" the guy asked.
"We are regulars here, and tell the same jokes so often we decided to number them, watch this...17", and everyone started laughing again. "Go on, have a go" the fourth man said.
"Alright... 53" he said. Everyone started crying with laughter. "Why was that so funny?"
"We haven't heard that one before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4en7w5/a_guy_walks_into_a_doctors_waiting_room/
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Want to hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4en68t/want_to_hear_a_word_i_just_made_up/
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A rich man was strolling along a riverside with his 6 year old daughter and they came to a bridge...

On the bridge there was a hobo sitting and shaking his cup. As they were walking past, the rich man wasn't keeping an eye on his daughter, who was playing with the bars of the railing and she slipped through and fell in. Not knowing how to swim himself, the man shouted for help. Without saying a word, the hobo got up, took off his clothes, and dove in. Mid-air, he performed three perfect flips, and on entry, made not a single ripple accross the water. Grabbing hold of the little girl he swam ashore to her father.
"Oh my goodness! Thank you so much! I couldn't help but notice that you dive beautifully, I will reward you with $500 if you can do that again.". Without saying a word, the hobo got back on to the bridge and did it again, this time managing to flip four times, with another perfect entry. Astounded, the man says "I'll double my price if you do it again." Again, the hobo climbed on to the bridge, dove off and had a perfect entry, not one ripple accross the water.
The rich man paid the hobo and said "Look, I'm pretty rich, I recently bought a cruise ship and I'm looking for attractions, how would you like to come work for me and show the world your skills? How about we go for a world record for highest dive while we're at it? I'll give you 50% of all I own if you dive off the world's tallest diving platform like you did today." The homeless man agreed, and he was allowed to live on the ship while the diving platform was being constructed.
When construction began, the platform climbed high into the sky, past the atmosphere, into space, it went past Mars, past Jupiter, slowly got built past Saturn, Neptune, and finally stopped at Pluto. When it was finished the hobo began his climb. He climbed all the way past the atmosphere, into space, past Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, and arrived on the platform by Pluto.
By now, the boat was at max capacity and a large crowd had gathered to watch the spectacle, TV cameras televised the event, a whole campaign of cheering people were following this story. The hobo took a minute's rest after the climb and dove off. He began flying down towards the earth, perfect flip after flip. He flipped past Neptune, he flipped past Saturn, he flipped past Jupiter and Mars, all the while maintaining his perfect golden form. He entered the atmosphere and began to straighten himself for entry into the pool aboard the ship.
He dove in, again, not a single ripple made its way accross the pool surface. However, as you would have guessed, the pool was much too shallow, and he continued to go deeper. He dove past the bedrooms, past the cabin crew level, the engine, and through the hull, the ship began to sink and everyone panicked.
As the ship was going under, the rich man swam over to the hobo, too amazed to lament his cruise ship he asked:
"How on earth did you do that? You're completely unscathed! The entry was perfect! You obliterated the ship!" After a moment's silence, the hobo finally spoke.
"I'm a hobo, I've been through many hardships in my life"
*Edit: There are inconsistencies but I ain't gon' hide them. Laugh at my stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4en4ru/a_rich_man_was_strolling_along_a_riverside_with/
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I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for sex

I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4en3wy/i_cant_cook_my_strategy_for_operating_the_oven_is/
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Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4en3um/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
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Bob and Jim are on the 18th hole...

And as Bob is about to pitch for the green they notice a funeral procession heading down the road adjacent to the course. Bob stops mid swing, drops his club, removes his hat, bows his head and stands for a moment of silence. "That's very respectful of you, Bob." says Jim. Bob puts his hat back on, picks up his club and says "Well, we were married for 35 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4en2g6/bob_and_jim_are_on_the_18th_hole/
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Which bees produce milk?

...The boo-bees!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4en0sq/which_bees_produce_milk/
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What do you call a Jew who is terrible with money?

Bernie Sanders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4emwxm/what_do_you_call_a_jew_who_is_terrible_with_money/
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A monkey at a zoo passes away, and no monkeys are left to replace it

A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, he is pretending to be a monkey, and after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling and screaming for help, the Lion approaches him and the man prepares for the end. The lion opens its mouth and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4emu2l/a_monkey_at_a_zoo_passes_away_and_no_monkeys_are/
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NSFW What do you say when you meet a German virgin for the first time?

Guden Tight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ems1d/nsfw_what_do_you_say_when_you_meet_a_german/
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The Dad joke pay-off [not actually a joke, sorry]

Dad, a little after lunchtime: "Are you hungry?"
Son: "No."
D. "Really? You've hardly had anything to eat all day."
S. "Okay, really I am, but I don't want to say it because then you'll do that joke again."
Son hates joke so much he would rather go hungry than risk hearing it one more time. Now my legacy is in place, I may die a happy man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4emrj3/the_dad_joke_payoff_not_actually_a_joke_sorry/
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How does Hillary Clinton clean her glasses?

By deleting the mainframe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ema9v/how_does_hillary_clinton_clean_her_glasses/
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I don't always roll a joint but when I do,

It's my ankle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4em168/i_dont_always_roll_a_joint_but_when_i_do/
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A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4elnpl/a_new_twist_on_an_old_joke/
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So I rang up a prostitute last night.

She came over and asked if I wanted the girlfriend experience.  I said no thanks I already had someone take all my money, break my xbox and fuck my best friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4elk07/so_i_rang_up_a_prostitute_last_night/
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I lost a Scrabble game today when my opponent played the word "Clitoris".

I was amazed at how fast he found it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eljr5/i_lost_a_scrabble_game_today_when_my_opponent/
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So a journalist visits a small town...

So a journalist visits a rural town, she is trying to find something interesting to write about and finally spots an old man sitting outside his house. She decides to walk up to this man and ask, "hello there Sir, I am interested in writing an article on this town, could you tell me something good that happened to you and something bad?".
The old man agrees. "Well, a good thing was when my mate's wife went missing, so we rounded up a group of us and went out lookin'. When we found her we all took turns having our way with her."
The reporter was quite shocked. "So what was the bad moment then?"
The old man looks her in the eye and replies, "well there was the time when I went missing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4elif5/so_a_journalist_visits_a_small_town/
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What happened when the composer got angry?

He flew off the Handel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4elg18/what_happened_when_the_composer_got_angry/
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What's long green and smells like pork scratchings?

Kermit the frogs finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4el4uw/whats_long_green_and_smells_like_pork_scratchings/
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How can you tell if your sperm count is high?

Your partner has to chew before they swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ekxu2/how_can_you_tell_if_your_sperm_count_is_high/
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Good news!

Doctor: I have a really good news for you Mrs Johnson
Woman: Well, my name is Ms Johnson
Doctor: In that case, I have a really bad news for you Ms Johnson!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ekuux/good_news/
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I always hated church because of all the standing, kneeling and sitting...

I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eks4l/i_always_hated_church_because_of_all_the_standing/
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There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who know binary, those who don't, and..

those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ekruk/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world_those/
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With age comes wisdom...

A 70 year old retired Military officer  had one hobby - he loved to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ''Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The retd officer said, 'Are you talking to me ?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride !'
The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts ? Didn't you hear what I said ?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said
'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ek9h3/with_age_comes_wisdom/
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My doctor told me to avoid trans fats.

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ek7v8/my_doctor_told_me_to_avoid_trans_fats/
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I was on a very crowded bus...

I was on a very crowded bus and an old woman with a zimmer frane gets on. All the other passengers proceed to file on and take up the remaining standing places but she stands close to me, staring me in the eyes. After 5 minutes of this, I kindly ask, 'may I help you?'
She replies, "yes, I have been waiting here for 5 minutes now and you have not offered to give me your seat"
"Can you give me a good reason why I should?"
"I can give you 5. I am an old woman of 86, I have near paralysis in my left leg, a hip that has been replaced twice, my husband died 3 days ago and every second I stand up is pure agony. Can you give me as many reasons why you deserve the seat more?"
"Sadly, only one. I'm the fucking driver."
Yes I got this from an email chain, no shame!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ek6mz/i_was_on_a_very_crowded_bus/
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A Priest and a Rabbi observe a 10-year old boy walking down the street.

Priest: Wanna fuck him?
Rabbi: Out of what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ek6j7/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_observe_a_10year_old_boy/
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Little Girl: "Mom I want to be a Redditor when i grow up"

Mom: "Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ek50w/little_girl_mom_i_want_to_be_a_redditor_when_i/
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So these two pieces of Interstate highway are drinking at the bar...

So these two pieces of Interstate highway are drinking at the bar. The first says "I'm I-10, baby! Atlantic to Pacific! Long and Strong. All day, traffic, truckers and they're flying along at ninty miles per hour. Cuz I'm the Best!" The other piece of highway snorts. "You got nothin! I'm I-95. Always busy! Always full and Always bringing the business! Semis! Tandems! All of it! Bartender! More whiskey!"
As the bartender is refilling their glasses, a small piece of gravel and dirt trail walks in and sits at the end of the bar. "Excuse me, Bartender? Could I get a cranberry juice?"
The first piece of interstate starts to pick on the little fellow. "Hah! Cranberry juice!?" But the other piece of highway stops him. "Hey, don't mess with that one man." "Why not?" Asks the other.
"Cuz he's a cyclepath."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ek40j/so_these_two_pieces_of_interstate_highway_are/
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Me: "How is it we assume that dinosaurs just roared... They could have talked like us, right?"

Interviewer: "I meant questions about the job..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ek38m/me_how_is_it_we_assume_that_dinosaurs_just_roared/
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Heaven is full.

St. Peter is sitting at the pearly gates of Heaven and says he will only let the people who died the harshest deaths in. Man #1 walks up to St. Peter and says, "Last Thursday, I suspected my wife of 2 years to be cheating on me. I opened the door to our apartment on the 4th floor and  looked around. I saw a man's hands grabbing on our balcony, obviously trying to escape after having affairs with my wife. I grabbed a hammer and started bashing his hands until he fell onto a bush 4 stories down. I grabbed the refrigerator and threw it onto the sick cheating man. I suffered from a heart attack and now I'm here". St. Peter decided to let the man into Heaven.
Man #2 walks up to St. Peter and explains how he died. "Last Thursday, I was playing with my two children and accidentally fell off the 5th floor of my apartment building. Luckily, I grabbed onto the balcony of the fourth floor. I thought I was safe up until some psycho comes and starts bashing on my hands with a HAMMER! I was very fortunate to survive the fall, a bush cushioning my fall. Then out of nowhere a refrigerator comes flying and kills me!". St. Peter also decides to let the man into Heaven.
Then comes along the 3rd man. St. Peter asks the man, "why do you deserve to be let into heaven?".
"Well picture me, naked in a refrigerator".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ejzqi/heaven_is_full/
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What happens when you get a bladder infection?

Urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ejx0r/what_happens_when_you_get_a_bladder_infection/
%
Why did the computer say hello?

Because it was a Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ejsh6/why_did_the_computer_say_hello/
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What did the Mexican say when his homework flew out the window?

Where you going essay!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ejqa6/what_did_the_mexican_say_when_his_homework_flew/
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Prostate Exam

After my recent Prostate Exam - one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had –
the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.
After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....
She said...."Who was that guy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ejk0f/prostate_exam/
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which is the most negative animal in the barnyard?

the horse, because its a naysayer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ejj80/which_is_the_most_negative_animal_in_the_barnyard/
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Why was the one y.o. Ethiopian child crying?

Because he was having his mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ejhyv/why_was_the_one_yo_ethiopian_child_crying/
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Sometimes I wear a tinfoil hat.

I’m not one of those wackjobs, it just makes being in the microwave more interesting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ejfx2/sometimes_i_wear_a_tinfoil_hat/
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Two men sitting in a 3 story bar..

Two men are sitting in a bar on the third floor. One guy says to another "hey you know with the air pressure outside if I jump out this window the air brings me right back up to the top." The other guy says "no way man, that's not possible." The other guys says "yes it is, watch this." So he jumps out of the window and right before he hit the ground he floated right back up into the window. The skeptical guy said "Woah! That looked like a rush, I'm going to try it!" So he jumps out the window and SMACK. He hits the ground. The guy that floated back to the window walks up to the bartender and the bartender says "You know what, you're a mean sonofabitch when you start drinkin Superman"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ej837/two_men_sitting_in_a_3_story_bar/
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German women love me...

I'm a ladies man. I saw this fine German woman. I didn't even have to chat her up for her to hastily give me her number. It was easy to remember 999 9999.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ej71s/german_women_love_me/
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I'm learning about imaginary numbers...

I can finally plot my sex life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ej6al/im_learning_about_imaginary_numbers/
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I can eat an untied shoe lace and poop it out tied

I shit you knot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eiyhm/i_can_eat_an_untied_shoe_lace_and_poop_it_out_tied/
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I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.
Then I painted my computer white so it would work.
Now the whole system is corrupt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eiwtz/i_painted_my_computer_black_so_it_would_run_faster/
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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eiskl/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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Why does Bob Ross hide his wife's razor?

So she always has a happy little bush!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eioqc/why_does_bob_ross_hide_his_wifes_razor/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby

The bus driver says: "that's the ugliest baby i've ever seen! Ugh!" The woman sits on the back of the bus, clearly furious. She comments to the man next to her: "the bus driver has just insulted me!" The man replies: "you go up right there and tell him off! Go ahead, i'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eimun/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eidhe/what_do_you_call_a_vegetarian_with_diarrhea/
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My marriage is based on trust.

And according to my wife's lawyers, that trust is based offshore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ei6if/my_marriage_is_based_on_trust/
%
Why do women love chocolate?

Because it's the only time 'rich' and 'dark' are used to describe the same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ei17e/why_do_women_love_chocolate/
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When an avocado and a duck mate, what sound does the offspring make?

Guac!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ei02k/when_an_avocado_and_a_duck_mate_what_sound_does/
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A baby was born with no eyes lids...

So the doctors decided to circumcise him and use the skin to craft new eyes lids.
They botched it though and he came out looking a bit cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ehwuu/a_baby_was_born_with_no_eyes_lids/
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I don’t mind that my wife thinks I’m crazy.

I mind that I have to hear it from our dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ehvez/i_dont_mind_that_my_wife_thinks_im_crazy/
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Why did the gambler think he was in heaven?

He found his pair a' dice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ehu13/why_did_the_gambler_think_he_was_in_heaven/
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I got fucked by a priest 20 years ago....

....He said "you may now kiss the bride".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ehtoi/i_got_fucked_by_a_priest_20_years_ago/
%
when i was a kid i never trusted stairs.

those bastards were always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ehslh/when_i_was_a_kid_i_never_trusted_stairs/
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Dirty joke

Do you know who the biggest whore in history is? Mrs. Pacman. For a quarter, that bitch would swallow balls 'till she died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ehs3b/dirty_joke/
%
What does a Disneyland ride and Viagra have in common?

You have to wait one hour for a 3 minute ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ehrmw/what_does_a_disneyland_ride_and_viagra_have_in/
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The man with a tiny penis

A man had an extremely small penis he was very ashamed of. Fortunately for him, he found a lovely woman that he eventually decided to marry and make his wife.
On their wedding night, he whispered to his new bride that it turned him on to have the room in complete darkness. In the dark, they messed around for a bit before the man pulled out a decent-sized dildo and used it on his wife.
This ritual continued every night for 30 years.
On their 30-year anniversary, tired of having sex in the dark, the man's wife begged the man to let her turn the lights on just for the night while they had sex. The man completely refused. While fooling around in the dark, just as the man brought out the dildo and was about to use it on his wife, she reached out and turned the bedside lamp on, her eyes widening in shock at the sight of the sex toy.
"HOW DARE YOU?? So for 30 years you have lied to me?? You betrayed me and my trust!"
The man calmly looked at his wife,
"Oh yeah? Then how do you explain our two kids?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ehg9e/the_man_with_a_tiny_penis/
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I went to shake the old man's hand

But Parkinson's beat me to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ehfil/i_went_to_shake_the_old_mans_hand/
%
What do people with an extra chromosome wash their clothes with?

Downy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ehdys/what_do_people_with_an_extra_chromosome_wash/
%
You hear about those robbers who steal shoes for fun?

It's how they get their kicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ehbpq/you_hear_about_those_robbers_who_steal_shoes_for/
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Baby if you were a fruit - you'd be a fine-apple.

But if you were a vegetable, I'd visit you in hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eha2c/baby_if_you_were_a_fruit_youd_be_a_fineapple/
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person

So I can get a better girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eh9si/my_girlfriend_makes_me_want_to_be_a_better_person/
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What's the difference between pizzas and vaginas...?

...Crust on a pizza is nice...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eh83o/whats_the_difference_between_pizzas_and_vaginas/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eh7dv/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/
%
A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"
The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.
The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"
The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink.
The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."
The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eh6ro/a_koala_was_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint/
%
Little girl: "Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up."

Mom: "Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both.﻿"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eh2jn/little_girl_mommy_i_want_to_be_a_feminist_when_i/
%
If a blind girl says you have a big dick..

She probably is just pulling your leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4egsg5/if_a_blind_girl_says_you_have_a_big_dick/
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The deaf computer scientist

A young, attractive woman goes to a bar.  She notices a man at the other side of the bar making eye contact with her, and before long the bartender hands her a note saying, "That gentlemen over there told me to give this to you."
> Come join me for a drink?
She approaches the man and introduces herself.  He writes another note and hands it to her:
> I am deaf, but I can write notes.  Let me buy you a drink?
She decides to indulge him.  They spend the night drinking and writing notes back and forth. She learns he is a computer scientist, so being deaf doesn't affect his career all that much, and that he lives only a few blocks away.  As they become more intoxicated, he invites her back to his place with a note:
> Let's go back to my place.  I've got a $1000 bottle of wine for us to share and a 10-inch penis.
She thinks to herself *he must be pretty rich if he can afford that bottle of wine* and fantasizes about the size of his dick, so she excitedly agrees.  They split a cab back to his place.  In the cab ride she passes him another note, saying he seems pretty young to be so successful.  To which he writes a note back:
> I'm only 11010 years old!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4egplm/the_deaf_computer_scientist/
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I started seeing a psychic.

I knew she was good because she told me she's voted best in the city 2017 and 2018.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4egph5/i_started_seeing_a_psychic/
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There are three kinds of people in the world...

...Those who can count, and those who can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eglm7/there_are_three_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4egedf/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
I made an appointment but it was cancelled.

It was ... disappointing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ege91/i_made_an_appointment_but_it_was_cancelled/
%
If you are skydiving and your parachute doesn't open, don't worry

You've got the rest of your life to fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ege36/if_you_are_skydiving_and_your_parachute_doesnt/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer,

I don't know what they're laced with but I've been tripping all day...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4egca8/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4egazv/what_does_stephen_hawking_say_when_his_computer/
%
My bloodtype is really disappointing.

My doctor keeps saying "be positive".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4egau5/my_bloodtype_is_really_disappointing/
%
Few One Liners

"What do you can't have for breakfast?" *"Lunch or Dinner.."*
"What is the most common reason for divorce?" *"Marriage"*
"How can a human being last for 8 days without sleep?" *"You sleep at night."*
"What happens when you throw a red stone in blue water?" *"It gets wet."*
"We have 3 oranges and 2 apples in one hand and 2 oranges and 3 apples in the second hand, what do we have totally?" *"Big hands."*
"How can we lift an elephant with 1 hand?" *"It's gonna be pretty tough, since we don't know many elephants with one hand."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4egaly/few_one_liners/
%
Shout out to my student loan for getting me through college.

I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eg8eu/shout_out_to_my_student_loan_for_getting_me/
%
I laid back last night and admired the sky above me, taking in the beauty of the universe when it hit me...

Where the fuck is my roof?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eg4yz/i_laid_back_last_night_and_admired_the_sky_above/
%
The sign outside the drug rehab facility was very fitting

"Stay off the grass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eg4e8/the_sign_outside_the_drug_rehab_facility_was_very/
%
Why are all jewish men circumcised?

...because jewish women don't take anything without 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eg2bl/why_are_all_jewish_men_circumcised/
%
A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a bar. The priest asked the rabbi, "Do you get paid for corcumcisions?"

The rabbi replies "No, but I keep the tips."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eg1cm/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_sitting_in_a_bar_the/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women

... Hot, wet, and all over my crotch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eg101/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
I was just knocked off my bike by a stationary truck.

The driver gave me a couple of sketch pads and some really cool pens to apologise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4efxli/i_was_just_knocked_off_my_bike_by_a_stationary/
%
What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?

One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4efu97/whats_the_difference_between_a_deaf_person_and_an/
%
What's heavier 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

The feathers. because you have the weight of the feathers and you have to carry around the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4efs7p/whats_heavier_200_pounds_of_bricks_or_200_pounds/
%
A man and a boy walk into the woods together at night

Boy: "It's dark and scary in here"
Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4efqv1/a_man_and_a_boy_walk_into_the_woods_together_at/
%
What's the difference between an onion and a woman?

I cry when I cut open an onion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4efpjc/whats_the_difference_between_an_onion_and_a_woman/
%
Where do you hide cocaine in orphanage?

Right under the children's noses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4efp87/where_do_you_hide_cocaine_in_orphanage/
%
I just ate two French eggs...

I think one is un oeuf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4efk2v/i_just_ate_two_french_eggs/
%
Two blondes were driving along in a car...

...when they came across an open field with another blond sitting in a canoe and pretending to row it.
One blonde in the car says to the other, "See, it's things like this that gives blonde a bad reputation, if I could swim, I would go out there and bash her".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4efk1y/two_blondes_were_driving_along_in_a_car/
%
Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4efica/use_chemicals_to_remove_polish_and_no_one_bats_an/
%
what do you call a mexican who lost his car?

carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4efi4c/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence

because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4efght/whenever_i_meet_a_pretty_girl_the_first_thing_i/
%
Tectonic Plates

One tectonic plate said to the other, "I'm addicted to crack".
The other said, "It's your fault"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4efcg8/tectonic_plates/
%
Yo momma so fat

She got an event horizon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ef7tz/yo_momma_so_fat/
%
Where did the little Japanese girl go when the little boy dropped by?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ef4pw/where_did_the_little_japanese_girl_go_when_the/
%
A ghost walks into a bar

"Sorry sir" the barmen says, "We don't serve spirits after eleven"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ef05r/a_ghost_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eeymv/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_in_suspense/
%
Did you hear about the scarf that Eva Braun knitted for Hitler?

He said it was kampfy and that he reiched it a lot, but that it could have used fuhrer stitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eeyha/did_you_hear_about_the_scarf_that_eva_braun/
%
A severed foot

is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eey1d/a_severed_foot/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eexri/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
Why do scuba divers flip backwards when going into the water?

Because if they flipped forwards they'd still be in the boat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eewts/why_do_scuba_divers_flip_backwards_when_going/
%
Yes It Is

Is Time Travel Possible ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eewim/yes_it_is/
%
I tried to give myself a sex change

but I couldn't quite pull it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eeul9/i_tried_to_give_myself_a_sex_change/
%
A woman gets a job at an Adult Toy Shop...

and its her first day. Her manager shows her how to run the register then suddenly gets a call. He tells her has to leave but if anyone comes in to buy, sell anything she can since sales are low for the month.
The Manager leaves and a few minutes later a Brunette comes in and looks around. "Oh wow a purple dildo, I've never seen a purple one before. I'll buy that."
The cashier ringers her and tells her to have a good day.
A few minutes later a redhead comes in and looks around. "Oh neat a orange dildo, I've never seen one like that." She buys it and leaves.
A few more minutes pass and a blonde walks in looking around. "Oh cool! A plaid dildo, I've never seen one like that ever. Ill buy that!"
The cashier looks around to where the blonde is pointing and then looks back at her
"I don't think you want that" she responds.
"No I want that plaid one" the blonde says.
"I don't think you understand.."
"I'm the customer and I want that plaid dildo" she retorts.
The cashier shrugs and rings it up and the blonde leaves.
A half hour passes and the manager comes back.
"So how are you doing?"
"Good, I made three sales" she responds.
"Good! What did you sell?"
"Well two people bought dildo's but some blonde came in and bought your thermos."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eejyd/a_woman_gets_a_job_at_an_adult_toy_shop/
%
What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win?

Atrophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eefoi/what_award_did_the_kid_in_a_coma_for_six_weeks_win/
%
What's the difference between sex and a slice of pizza?

It takes me longer to eat the pizza

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eea1n/whats_the_difference_between_sex_and_a_slice_of/
%
Two morgue workers are examining a dead naked woman...

One of the morgue workers looks at his partner and says "there's a shrimp hanging from this woman's pussy."
The second worker, puzzled, looks down and then back at his partner: "that's not a shrimp, that's her clit."
The other man goes "Funny, it didn't taste like a clit to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ee9s9/two_morgue_workers_are_examining_a_dead_naked/
%
What do you call a Russian snake that's eating its own tail?

An ouroboris

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ee8yf/what_do_you_call_a_russian_snake_thats_eating_its/
%
What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

Reprimand from the university ethics board and immediate withdrawal of all research grants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ee705/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cow_with_an/
%
The Islamic State is hosting a music festival in Iraq.

The first annual Allahpalooza is sure to go off with a bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ee6cu/the_islamic_state_is_hosting_a_music_festival_in/
%
Circumcisions are painful.

When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ee5d0/circumcisions_are_painful/
%
Where do you take a sick ship?

To the doc(k)!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ee3sp/where_do_you_take_a_sick_ship/
%
A piece of string wanted to get into a club

that didn't let in pieces of string. So he twisted himself up, and frayed his top end.
The bouncer asked "Hey, aren't you a piece of string ?"
The piece of string said "No, I'm a frayed knot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4edvlk/a_piece_of_string_wanted_to_get_into_a_club/
%
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

Pokemon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4edmrs/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_proctologist/
%
Romeo & Juliet.doc...

...is a play on Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4edm82/romeo_julietdoc/
%
What did Sloth say when he found gold?

AU GUYS!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4edlal/what_did_sloth_say_when_he_found_gold/
%
A wife asks her husband "Honey, how many women have you slept with?"

The husband replies, "Only you sweetie.  I was awake for all the other ones "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4edkot/a_wife_asks_her_husband_honey_how_many_women_have/
%
Why do you get aroused when you look in the mirror?

Because your dick thinks you're a pussy too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4edg1d/why_do_you_get_aroused_when_you_look_in_the_mirror/
%
Have you seen this new movie?

Heard this one from my 10 year old cousin.
Him: "Have you seen the new movie about constipation yet?"
Me: "No..."
Him: "It hasn't come out yet. But people are pushing for its release!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4edg1j/have_you_seen_this_new_movie/
%
Words can't describe how beautiful you are.

But, numbers can. 4/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4edfsi/words_cant_describe_how_beautiful_you_are/
%
At what point does CPR become necrophilia?

When you both get hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4edeo5/at_what_point_does_cpr_become_necrophilia/
%
What do you call a confused gnu?

A bewildebeest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ed13o/what_do_you_call_a_confused_gnu/
%
Two men are hunting in the woods...

...when one has to take a piss. After a couple of minutes he comes back screaming that he'd been bitten by a snake on his dick. He begs his friend to call for help. His friend calls 9-1-1 and they tell him that he is going to have to suck the poison out. He hangs up and returns to his friend. The man said, "What'd they say?" And his friend says, "That you're going to die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ecwq2/two_men_are_hunting_in_the_woods/
%
Moses was computer savvy..

..He had two tablets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ecwna/moses_was_computer_savvy/
%
Tardiness makes me extremely angry.

As my late wife found out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ectgp/tardiness_makes_me_extremely_angry/
%
What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ecqor/whats_blue_and_not_very_heavy/
%
The Gorilla Hunter

An avid big game hunter decided to book a trip to the Congo in order to hunt Gorillas. He had never been to the Congo so upon arrival he asked several locals who the best guide for hunting Gorillas would be. Everyone told him to find a man named Joffe as he was an expert in hunting gorillas. Soon the hunter found Joffe and negotiated a payment for his hunting expedition.
The next day he arrived to find Joffe ready to go holding a leash with a vicious looking dog attached. All of his men had cages on their backs. "That's odd" thought the hunter but he had never hunted gorillas and decided not to say anything. Soon they set off into the forest.
After about an hour of walking Joffe suddenly stopped and crouched down. he tapped the hunter on the shoulder and pointed into a tree where a large gorilla was clinging to a branch. The hunter started to raise his rifle but Joffe pushed it down saying, "not yet, not yet, but be ready and I will tell you when to shoot". The hunter was confused and stood there while Joffe dropped the leash and ran like a wild man through the jungle. He leaped up into the tree and grabbed the trunk and shook the tree with all his might. The surprised gorilla couldn't hold on to the shaking tree and he fell to the ground. The instant the gorilla fell the dog took off like a shot and grabbed the gorilla's balls in his sharp teeth. Both the dog and the gorilla froze. One of the men came and loaded the gorilla into a cage, pulled it up onto his back and the hunting party moved on.
"This is the craziest damn thing I've ever seen" thought the hunter, but he knew Joffe was an expert so he held his tongue. After another hour Joffe stopped short and pointed into another tree. Again the hunter raised his rifle but again Joffe pushed it down saying, "not yet, not yet, but be ready and I will tell you when to shoot". And like before Joffe ran through the jungle and leapt into the tree, shaking it furiously. The gorilla fell and the dog clamped its jaws around the gorilla's testicles. Again the gorilla froze and one of the men loaded it up into a cage.
At this point the hunter is getting a little frustrated. He came to hunt gorillas after all, not to watch this crazy display. But still he stayed silent and this same series of events happened with Joffe telling him each time to put his gun down but to be ready to shoot.
At this point the hunter was angry and told Joffe, "look, I came here to shoot! I'm tired of just roaming through the jungle and watching." Joffe told him not to worry, "you just be ready and you will need to shoot soon enough." Just as before the came across a gorilla in a tree and again he was told to be ready. Joffe sprinted across the clearing, jumped into the tree and shook with all his might. But this time the gorilla held on and did not let go, in his anger the gorilla shook the tree back and Joffe lost his grip and started to fall. As he headed for the ground Joffe started shouting, "QUICK! SHOOT THE DOG! SHOOT THE DOG!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ecqh1/the_gorilla_hunter/
%
2 Priests stop at a random police checkpoint in the middle of the road...

A police officer tells the driver "We're looking for 2 pedophiles."
The driver says "Just one minute", rolls his window up, and starts arguing intensely with the other priest in the passenger seat.
He rolls his window back down, looks up at the cop and says "Ya, we'd be up for it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ecpig/2_priests_stop_at_a_random_police_checkpoint_in/
%
Words can't describe how beautiful you are...

But numbers can.
2/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ecm1r/words_cant_describe_how_beautiful_you_are/
%
Why are men typically smarter than women?

They come across more things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ecknp/why_are_men_typically_smarter_than_women/
%
A man sits down on a park bench...

and sitting next to him is a small boy eating chocolate bar after chocolate bar.  The man turns to him and says, "It's probably not that healthy to eat so much chocolate."  The boy stares at the man and eats another piece of chocolate. After swallowing, the boy says, "My grandfather lived to be 110 years old."  The man asks, "How did he do that? Did he eat a lot of chocolate too?"  The boy replies with, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4echrw/a_man_sits_down_on_a_park_bench/
%
Joke of The Day

A new Student came to the class. After telling the rest of the Children his name, the teacher asked, "what does your Father do"?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Student :" Whatever Mom Says"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ecfcv/joke_of_the_day/
%
A woman is in bed with a man she shouldn't be with

Her husband is away on a business trip. Suddenly she hears the sound of the front door opening, her husband is back earlier than she expected.
"Quick! Hide in the bathroom!", she says to the man in her bed, he scampers off quickly.
The husband walks into the bedroom and sees his wife naked. Thinking on her feet she says "You must have had a long journey, come to bed and make love to me."
"That sounds great, I'll just have a quick shower, let me pop to the bathroom."
He opens the door and is confronted with a man, barefoot to the neck, looking into the distance, clapping with his arms outstretched.
The husband asks "Who are you?"
"From the council", the man replied, "your wife phoned us up and said you had a moth problem"
"But you're not wearing any clothes?!"
The man suddenly looked down at his naked body and looking shocked he exclaimed: "The bastards!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ecew0/a_woman_is_in_bed_with_a_man_she_shouldnt_be_with/
%
Who would steal an artificial leg?

I’m stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ec8iw/who_would_steal_an_artificial_leg/
%
I went to a party the other day and danced to all the songs.

They played the twist so I did the twist. They played jump so I jumped. I got kicked out after they played come on Eileen...
Don't worry that's not true - I don't know what her name was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ec61y/i_went_to_a_party_the_other_day_and_danced_to_all/
%
Two men walked into a bar

You'd think at least one of them would've ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ec1vb/two_men_walked_into_a_bar/
%
This might be offensive, but what do you call a jewish pokémon trainer?

Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebx04/this_might_be_offensive_but_what_do_you_call_a/
%
Lately I've started telling tree jokes.

I think it's time to branch out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebwxv/lately_ive_started_telling_tree_jokes/
%
Tried to watch some porn last night but I couldn't buy into the plot...

There were just too many holes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebwtc/tried_to_watch_some_porn_last_night_but_i_couldnt/
%
A suicide bomber tripped outside a news kiosk

He's all over the front pages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebri4/a_suicide_bomber_tripped_outside_a_news_kiosk/
%
You hear about the chameleon that couldn't change color?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebqf0/you_hear_about_the_chameleon_that_couldnt_change/
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(uncouth) A priest and a rabbi are walking by a playground...

The priest says "Let's fuck those kids"
The rabbi says, "Outta what?"
One of my faves, always makes me chuckle when I think of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebplw/uncouth_a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_walking_by_a/
%
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it's raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebp2m/by_law_you_are_required_to_turn_on_your/
%
A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs

"I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebnv4/a_guy_wakes_up_in_hospital_after_surgery_and/
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Plastic horses joke

A man is admitted to the emergency room with six plastic horses shoved up his ass.  He has no identification, but one of the nurses there recognizes him and calls his wife.
The doctor is reluctant at first to tell the man's wife what's wrong with him, but she says she knows he's got some strange hobbies he doesn't tell her about and the doctor finally relents.
"He's under anesthetic right now," the doctor said, "about to go into surgery.  He came in with six plastic horses jammed up his ass."
"Well," the wife asked, "what's his condition?"
"Stable."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebnfb/plastic_horses_joke/
%
If I had a dollar for every woman that thought I was ugly...

Eventually they wouldn't think I was ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebmhy/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_woman_that_thought_i/
%
School is like a dick.

It's long and hard, unless you're Asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebkdl/school_is_like_a_dick/
%
A man walks into a pet store and sees a very expensive parrot...

A man walks into a pet store and sees a $3000 parrot...
"Wow, that's expensive", the man says to the clerk.  The clerk responds that this particular parrot is very talented.  "How so?", questioned the man.
"Well, if you pull on his right leg", he'll sing The Star Spangled Banner.  So the man pulls the right leg and the parrot belted out the first few lines of the anthem.
"And if you pull on the left leg he'll recite the first line of Moby Dick".  So the man pulls the left leg and the bird says clear as day "Call me Ishmael"
Impressive, thought the man.  "What happens when I pull both legs"?
To which the parrot replied "I'll fall on my ass you prick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebj5b/a_man_walks_into_a_pet_store_and_sees_a_very/
%
Why do women close their eyes during sex?

They hate to see men have a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebiyu/why_do_women_close_their_eyes_during_sex/
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A lady is sitting in the vet waiting room with her German Shepherd...

The man sitting next to her says, "that's a beautiful dog you have there.  Is he sick?"
The lady says, "No not really.  It's just that every time I get down on all fours to clean my floor, he mounts me from behind and starts to hump me."
The man says, "Oh, so you're going to have him neutered?"
The lady says, "Hell no.  I'm going to have his nails clipped."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebg6l/a_lady_is_sitting_in_the_vet_waiting_room_with/
%
Do you know why newspapers don't print the pictures of all criminals?

They would run out of black ink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebeo3/do_you_know_why_newspapers_dont_print_the/
%
How much does a dead battery cost?

It's free of charge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebe6a/how_much_does_a_dead_battery_cost/
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Joke from"28 days later". (Joke for the humorless)

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get pissed. The giraffe falls over. The man goes to leave and the bartender says, “Oi. You can’t leave that lyin’ there.” And the man says, “No. It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ebb2n/joke_from28_days_later_joke_for_the_humorless/
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Why do women love Jordan Spieth?

Because he came second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eba9t/why_do_women_love_jordan_spieth/
%
An older woman's husband dies during a bdsm session.

She decides to do something crazy with her life, and buys a Harley, gets a few tattoos, and goes out in search of the Hell's Angels.
When she finds them they give her an initiation test.
"You ever killed a man?" They ask.
"Yep" she says. "Killed my husband."
"You ever steal anything?" They ask.
"Oh all the time." She replies.
"You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"Sure have, and strung up by my nipples".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eb8ra/an_older_womans_husband_dies_during_a_bdsm_session/
%
A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn’t need any assistance. The tailor says…

... "Fine. Suit yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eb6fe/a_man_walks_into_a_tailor_to_buy_a_tuxedo_he/
%
You may be a redneck if

You have to tell your 14 year old daughter not to smoke at the table in front of her kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eb4ky/you_may_be_a_redneck_if/
%
Ever been in the shower, already late, when you feel that colorectal peristaltic action and think

"Damnit, I don't have time for this shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eb1jo/ever_been_in_the_shower_already_late_when_you/
%
what's your favorite kind of tea?

cruelty :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eb03z/whats_your_favorite_kind_of_tea/
%
My parents were in the iron and steel industry...

My mother had to iron and my father had to steal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eayf1/my_parents_were_in_the_iron_and_steel_industry/
%
Why do asians squint all the time?

Because nukes are so bright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eavhx/why_do_asians_squint_all_the_time/
%
LPT: Don't waste a bit more money for the brand-name bleach; it isn't any different than the bargain brand

They taste exactly the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eauuj/lpt_dont_waste_a_bit_more_money_for_the_brandname/
%
The sexy 21yr old woman that lives nextdoor to me just knocked on my door and accused me of stealing underwear from her washing line...

...i almost shit her pants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eas6k/the_sexy_21yr_old_woman_that_lives_nextdoor_to_me/
%
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale

, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4earyh/a_woman_noticed_her_husband_standing_on_the/
%
A computer science student...

...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. “You can’t see that, it’s private!”
The second student protested, “But we’re in the same class”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eark3/a_computer_science_student/
%
Where did Suze go during the bombing?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4earfe/where_did_suze_go_during_the_bombing/
%
I participated in a trigonometry competition

I got secant place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eanxe/i_participated_in_a_trigonometry_competition/
%
The doctors tested a man to see if he was gay.

He passed with flying colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eanwt/the_doctors_tested_a_man_to_see_if_he_was_gay/
%
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eajey/a_woman_is_in_the_hospital_in_a_coma/
%
Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark?

Black people can't swim. -.-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eahvg/why_is_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_so_dark/
%
Got kicked out of the Renaissance Fair after seeing an Asian wearing a breastplate.

I said there was a chink in the armor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eag26/got_kicked_out_of_the_renaissance_fair_after/
%
If I ever became invisible, I'd kick fuck out of a mime

Imagine the round of applause he'd get

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eabj3/if_i_ever_became_invisible_id_kick_fuck_out_of_a/
%
How are Princess Diana and Pink Floyd alike?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eaar7/how_are_princess_diana_and_pink_floyd_alike/
%
A man take his dog to the vet, and then...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and asks, "my dog's cross-eyed... is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So, he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ea6al/a_man_take_his_dog_to_the_vet_and_then/
%
What happens when you give a lawyer viagra?

They grow taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ea34h/what_happens_when_you_give_a_lawyer_viagra/
%
I heard 4chan is shutting down...

How un-4chan-ate :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e9x8v/i_heard_4chan_is_shutting_down/
%
How was the roman empire cut in half?

With a pair of caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e9r8p/how_was_the_roman_empire_cut_in_half/
%
When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a driveway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e9qvb/when_is_a_car_not_a_car/
%
What did the doctor say to the midget in his waiting room?

You're just gonna have to be a little patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e9nbu/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_midget_in_his/
%
Going to the prom

A boy asks the crush of his dreams out to prom, and she said yes! So he plans out a list of to-do before the big dance.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there is a long tux line at the shop, he waits for 20 minutes.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits even longer but eventually gets the flowers. Next he heads out to rent a limo.
Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets a very nice limo.
Lastly he goes to the barber and once again there is a long line but as he sits and waits he is just dreaming how his date will look, and within no time he gets his hair cut.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e9mbt/going_to_the_prom/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. Were closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e9ls6/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
My wife is mad at me.

Get this, her diary says I have boundary issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e9j65/my_wife_is_mad_at_me/
%
What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Donald Trump's tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e9d7z/whats_12_inches_long_and_hangs_in_front_of_an/
%
What do you call a masculine Arab?

Protein Sheikh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e9bat/what_do_you_call_a_masculine_arab/
%
Why are there insulting names for liberals like libtard but none for Republicans?

Because calling someone a Republican is insulting enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e97ah/why_are_there_insulting_names_for_liberals_like/
%
What's a bad way to stop a pedophile?

Tell him to think of the children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e96ur/whats_a_bad_way_to_stop_a_pedophile/
%
What does A&W stand for?

'Amburgers & Woot Beer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e96a3/what_does_aw_stand_for/
%
What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e937i/what_body_movements_alert_you_that_a_politician/
%
I was going to make a joke about vaginas.

But you'll never get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e9106/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_vaginas/
%
LPT: Don't waste a bit more money for the brand-name bleach; it isn't any different than the bargain brand

They taste exactly the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e8zth/lpt_dont_waste_a_bit_more_money_for_the_brandname/
%
A girl was having a costume party...

(My favorite joke told to me by my uncle a long time ago)
A girl was having a costume party, and decided that the theme of the party was going to be emotions. So she puts one of her friends at the door to make sure everyone coming in is dressed like a emotion.
Well the party is going on, and the guy is standing guard. A woman comes up, dressed in all pink. The guy standing at the door stopped the girl and goes...
"I'm sorry ma'am, you can't come into the party, you're not dressed as an emotion."
She goes, "Of course I am, I'm pink with passion!"
So he lets her in. Another guy comes up, dressed in all green. He stops him and goes...
"I'm sorry sir, you have to be dressed as an emotion to come in."
The guy goes, "Of course I'm dressed as an emotion. I'm green with envy!" So he lets him in.
The next two people to come up to the door was two guys, who were almost entirely nude, with one of the men having a custard covering his privates, and the other one had a pear with a hole drilled in it for his pecker.
The man stops the two, and says "I'm sorry gentlemen, I can't let y'all in. For one you're completely naked. And secondly, y'all aren't dressed as emotions."
The two men go, "Well I will admit that we are naked, but we are most certainly dressed as emotions."
The first man says, "I'm fucking dis-custard."
The second says, "Yeah, and I'm deep in dis-pear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e8vp8/a_girl_was_having_a_costume_party/
%
I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.

That way when they fuck up, I can hit them all at once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e8sym/i_want_to_have_3_kids_and_name_them_ctrl_alt_and/
%
How did the french guy feel when he got hit by a piece of bread?

He felt pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e8ry9/how_did_the_french_guy_feel_when_he_got_hit_by_a/
%
I ate a vegetable...

And she liked it so much she woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e8pnf/i_ate_a_vegetable/
%
A drunk walks up to two priests.

He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The priest shakes his head. "No son, you're not." The drunk goes up to the second priest. "I'm Jesus Christ."
The second priest gives the same answer.
The drunk glares at them for a second. "Look I can prove it. Follow me." He leads them to a bar and walks inside. The bartender takes one look at him and says "Jesus Christ, you're here again?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e8kgp/a_drunk_walks_up_to_two_priests/
%
I was thinking of becoming a banker ...

But I lost interest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e8dau/i_was_thinking_of_becoming_a_banker/
%
[Dark] What is black on the bottom and white on top?

Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e84hj/dark_what_is_black_on_the_bottom_and_white_on_top/
%
Why does Windows 10 say "Hello"?

Because my PC is a Dell.
(please don't hurt me it's my first post on r/Jokes omg)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7zyo/why_does_windows_10_say_hello/
%
I've been driving for 20 years

And I still haven't seen any fast children at play

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7y9m/ive_been_driving_for_20_years/
%
My parents had a gun to protect their 5 children

but they got rid of it to protect their 4 children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7wwb/my_parents_had_a_gun_to_protect_their_5_children/
%
My girlfriend wants me to take her to Paris, and treat her like a princess

The only thing is, I don't know which to pick: the guillotine or the Mercedes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7vke/my_girlfriend_wants_me_to_take_her_to_paris_and/
%
My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions

Not quite sure how I feel about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7u2n/my_psychologist_says_i_have_trouble_identifying/
%
Why does Mexico always underperform in the summer olympics?

Because everyone that can run, swim or jump is in USA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7tm8/why_does_mexico_always_underperform_in_the_summer/
%
What was Hitler's favorite videogame?

Meinkraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7se0/what_was_hitlers_favorite_videogame/
%
My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit...

He said "Like a cheap castle."
Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7qhv/my_grandfather_got_new_pants_the_other_day_i/
%
Why do melons have traditional weddings?

Because they can't elope!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7oxq/why_do_melons_have_traditional_weddings/
%
Schrodinger's Cat is depressed

Cat: No one came to my birthday party/funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7nba/schrodingers_cat_is_depressed/
%
When you say the word poop, your mouth does the same motion as your butt hole.

Same can be said for the phrase "explosive diarrhea".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7msp/when_you_say_the_word_poop_your_mouth_does_the/
%
When a door closes...

and incognito window opens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7kzz/when_a_door_closes/
%
George Washington wasn't arrogant, but he did predict the $1 bill would contain his likeness.

In that regard, he was on the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7iqk/george_washington_wasnt_arrogant_but_he_did/
%
I don't like Fahrenheit. I don't like Celsius. I don't like Kelvin.

I prefer to measure my degrees in Radians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7ich/i_dont_like_fahrenheit_i_dont_like_celsius_i_dont/
%
What is Mario's favorite search browser?

YYYYAAAAHHHHHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I will leave now)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7i02/what_is_marios_favorite_search_browser/
%
I haven't found cancer jokes funny since..

my grandfather got killed by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e7dgv/i_havent_found_cancer_jokes_funny_since/
%
What rhymes with Orange?

No it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e78tc/what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
There's only one vampire on Sesame Street...

At least, only one that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e739x/theres_only_one_vampire_on_sesame_street/
%
Whats the opposite of feminism?

Common sense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e72tx/whats_the_opposite_of_feminism/
%
Selling the Farm

A farmer and his wife decide to sell their land and move to Florida to retire.
A prospective buyer comes by and likes the place, but there's a problem: He's deathly afraid of bees and, on a tour of the property, he noticed a lot of them.
The farmer says, "There's always been bees around here, but in the 30 years I've owned the farm, I've never been stung
I'll tell you what. "Take off your clothes and let me tie you to that tree over there.
If you're stung by a single bee, I'll give you the farm for nothing.
But if you don't get stung, you have to buy the farm at my asking price.
The guy figures the possibility of a free farm is too good to pass up, so he agrees to the farmer's deal.
The farmer ties him naked to the tree and goes to work in the fields.
A few hours later, the farmer returns, only to find the man in a state of total exhaustion.
He's a complete wreck. His knees are buckling and the only things holding him up are the tiny straps securing him to the tree trunk.
The farmer is shocked. "What on earth happened to you?" You're a mess! Did the bees get you?"
"No," says the man, "but doesn't that Calf have a mother?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e70c4/selling_the_farm/
%
Tired?

There's a nap for that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e6ywa/tired/
%
[DAD JOKE] My friend and I like bone jokes...

...But this time, we want you to humerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e6uag/dad_joke_my_friend_and_i_like_bone_jokes/
%
Dark humour is like dead children..

- it never gets old.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e6t8v/dark_humour_is_like_dead_children/
%
If you laid everyone along Earth's equator...

About half of them would be pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e6shs/if_you_laid_everyone_along_earths_equator/
%
Although "Appreciate the little things" is good life advice,

It's not something to say in bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e6r1h/although_appreciate_the_little_things_is_good/
%
How do the French defend a city?

We don't know, they've never tried it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e6o27/how_do_the_french_defend_a_city/
%
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e6nu9/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
%
What do you call a female comedian?

not funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e6lbk/what_do_you_call_a_female_comedian/
%
The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop.

The steaks were high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e6hoo/the_farmer_was_very_concerned_when_his_cows_got/
%
I was at a nightclub

They played just dance I just danced
They played twist I twisted
They played jump I jumped
They played come on Eileen, I was kicked out of the club

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e6g5y/i_was_at_a_nightclub/
%
I told my cat all about Chairman Mao this morning

Now she won't shut up about him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e6ais/i_told_my_cat_all_about_chairman_mao_this_morning/
%
Golfers always bring two pairs of pants to the Masters.

Just in case they get a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e6660/golfers_always_bring_two_pairs_of_pants_to_the/
%
I was raped by a group of mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e62ah/i_was_raped_by_a_group_of_mimes/
%
What's the difference between a book and a Mexican?

The book has papers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e61po/whats_the_difference_between_a_book_and_a_mexican/
%
I had an ant bite my penis today.

it feels like a little prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e60zt/i_had_an_ant_bite_my_penis_today/
%
A black man walks into the doctors with a fancy parrot in his shoulder

The doctor says "what a magnificent creature, where did you get that?"
The parrot replies "Africa there's millions of them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e5z8a/a_black_man_walks_into_the_doctors_with_a_fancy/
%
Pros and Cons of making something to eat:

Pro: Something to eat
Con: Making

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e5xu4/pros_and_cons_of_making_something_to_eat/
%
What is green and if you press a button its red?

A frog in a mixer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e5v1s/what_is_green_and_if_you_press_a_button_its_red/
%
What do you call it when you think you've lost your Italian cured meat, but then you find it again?

A falsalami

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e5tnv/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_think_youve_lost/
%
Pikachu used racist comments

It's super offensive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e5s8s/pikachu_used_racist_comments/
%
A bank robbery

During a recent robbery in Hong Kong, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called "Mind Changing Concept" Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her:
"Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called "Being Professional"
Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school):
"Big brother, let's count how much we got."
The older robber rebutted and said:
"You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called "Experience"
Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him:
"Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank".
This is called "Swim with the tide"
Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."
This is called "Changing priority"
Personal Happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.
The robbers were very angry and complained:
"We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"
This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e5rsc/a_bank_robbery/
%
I know five people who are clinically insane...

I'm two of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e5rm9/i_know_five_people_who_are_clinically_insane/
%
A. Schwarzenegger has it long, Brad Pitt short, Madonna does not have it and the Pope does not use it. What is it?

A surname.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e5pos/a_schwarzenegger_has_it_long_brad_pitt_short/
%
A Rabbi and a priest are sitting on a park bench.....

The priest points to a little boy walking down the sidewalk, turns to the Rabbi and says "Let's screw him." Rabbi looks the child over and says, "Out of what?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e5l65/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
My girlfriend and I spent $40 on a pesto pasta

It was worth every penne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e5hvs/my_girlfriend_and_i_spent_40_on_a_pesto_pasta/
%
Why did the lead acid battery have to tell the truth?

Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e5eyd/why_did_the_lead_acid_battery_have_to_tell_the/
%
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator...

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will then close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e5ahe/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_pet_alligator/
%
What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e5aca/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
A clown is walking through the woods with a kid

The kid looks up at the clown, "It's getting late, and I'm getting scared."
Clown says, "YOU'RE scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e59e8/a_clown_is_walking_through_the_woods_with_a_kid/
%
A way you can tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist

ask them to pronounce the word 'unionized'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e51r0/a_way_you_can_tell_the_difference_between_a/
%
What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?

Find the nearest skyscraper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e4tx8/what_does_a_cloud_with_an_itchy_rash_do/
%
My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:

“What did the ant say to the other ant?”
“I dunno, what?”
“Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”
“Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.”
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e4p20/my_eight_year_old_nephew_said_he_had_a_joke/
%
What does Betty White's vagina taste like?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e4ox7/what_does_betty_whites_vagina_taste_like/
%
What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut you racist fucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e4o4j/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_on_the_moon/
%
I got stuck in a blender.

Pour me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e4lcc/i_got_stuck_in_a_blender/
%
Why can't a feminist shoot a gun?

They can't handle the triggers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e4j9b/why_cant_a_feminist_shoot_a_gun/
%
Went to a zoo that only had one dog

It was a ShitZoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e4f8d/went_to_a_zoo_that_only_had_one_dog/
%
What's the biggest difference between Republicans and Democrats?

Republicans sign their checks on the front, and democrats sign on the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e4ddp/whats_the_biggest_difference_between_republicans/
%
I poured my root beer into a square cup

Now I just have beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e4cjn/i_poured_my_root_beer_into_a_square_cup/
%
What has 8 legs and 7 arms?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e4bin/what_has_8_legs_and_7_arms/
%
I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world...

It's called Crystal Meh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e4amk/i_discovered_this_new_drug_that_makes_you/
%
Why did the Siamese Twins travel to England?

So the other one could drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e47fy/why_did_the_siamese_twins_travel_to_england/
%
That time my mom caught me playing with myself

She was so upset, she decided to tell my father. So my father came to my room and said "your mother told me what you were doing. If you keep that up, you're gonna go blind" so I looked at my father and said "dad, I'm over here....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e46oz/that_time_my_mom_caught_me_playing_with_myself/
%
If James Bond movies were about food...

These could be their titles:
* On Her Majesty's Secret Recipe
* Donuts are Forever
* Octopie
* Moonbaker
* The Spy Who Loved Meat
* License to Grill
* GoldenPie
* Diet Another Day
* All The Food In The World Is Not Enough
* Cashew Chicken Royale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e43ko/if_james_bond_movies_were_about_food/
%
Just told a guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up

Everyone applauded me, so I told them to shut the fuck up, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e3wqy/just_told_a_guy_talking_on_his_phone_in_the/
%
What's the difference between a cat and a period?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a period is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e3tm5/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_period/
%
Two crows are in jail. What are they in for?

Attempted Murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e3srr/two_crows_are_in_jail_what_are_they_in_for/
%
I like my women how I like my Christmas trees.

Illegally taken in the forest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e3seg/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_christmas_trees/
%
When I found out my girlfriend was having a baby my life really changed.

specifically my name, address and phone number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e3r06/when_i_found_out_my_girlfriend_was_having_a_baby/
%
Do infants have as much fun in infancy

as adults do in adultery?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e3q6v/do_infants_have_as_much_fun_in_infancy/
%
Why was schrodinger's cat in trouble with the law?

I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e3kmc/why_was_schrodingers_cat_in_trouble_with_the_law/
%
Did you hear about that brilliant Irish investor?

His money just keeps Dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e3k5j/did_you_hear_about_that_brilliant_irish_investor/
%
Three men are traveling and come across a hotel.

They go to the front desk, and the receptionist tells them, "We have one room vacant, but it only has one bed."
There are no other hotels for miles, so the men decide to take the room and share the bed.
In the morning, the guy who slept on the left side says, "I had the strangest dream - I dreamed that someone jerked me off."
The guy on the right says, "I had that same dream!"
The guy in the middle says, "That's weird - I dreamed that I went skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e3irv/three_men_are_traveling_and_come_across_a_hotel/
%
My girlfriend told me that she looked fat, and wanted me to give her a compliment...

I told her that her eyesight was outstanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e3gqe/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_she_looked_fat_and/
%
Caller: Hello, 911, my friend collapsed, we need an ambulance. 911: What is your location?

Caller: Peotone St. at Charlevoix
911: Can you spell that?
Caller: Look, I'll drag him to 3rd and Oak - send the ambulance there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e3cjh/caller_hello_911_my_friend_collapsed_we_need_an/
%
Why do Cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e37pf/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
My brain made a vote today

Seven against five decided that we did not have dissociative personality disorder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e37f8/my_brain_made_a_vote_today/
%
Are you a good knight, or a bad knight?

Ehh, medieval.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e33s6/are_you_a_good_knight_or_a_bad_knight/
%
What's the difference between Boy Scouts and Jews

Boy Scouts come back from their camps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e31ti/whats_the_difference_between_boy_scouts_and_jews/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2yhb/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
Courtney Love could snap me like a twig

Or she could kill me and make it look like suicide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2vzg/courtney_love_could_snap_me_like_a_twig/
%
I'm pretty sure chemists are Nazis

They're always trying to get a final solution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2u7n/im_pretty_sure_chemists_are_nazis/
%
Jesus Christ walks into a motel and drops a handful of nails on the counter. He asks

Can you put me up for the night ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2rta/jesus_christ_walks_into_a_motel_and_drops_a/
%
My sex life is so bad...

My wife and I 96.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2q56/my_sex_life_is_so_bad/
%
What happens when you give a lawyer viagra?

They grow taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2nt1/what_happens_when_you_give_a_lawyer_viagra/
%
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2nal/today_my_stoner_friend_used_my_todo_list_as_a/
%
What's black and eats pussy?

Cervical cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2mbf/whats_black_and_eats_pussy/
%
If you woke up naked, in the middle of the forest with no memory of what happened and your butt is covered in lube, would you tell anyone?

"*No!*"
Wanna to go camping?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2kgc/if_you_woke_up_naked_in_the_middle_of_the_forest/
%
The only similarity between Bernie Sanders's speeches and Hillary's speeches is

......both inspire you to vote against Hillary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2jmf/the_only_similarity_between_bernie_sanderss/
%
A thief broke into my house, looking for money

I got up and did the same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2ipx/a_thief_broke_into_my_house_looking_for_money/
%
Politicians are like sperm

And often I find myself asking "How did this one win?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2f6w/politicians_are_like_sperm/
%
What's Donald Trumps favourite album?

The Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2dvr/whats_donald_trumps_favourite_album/
%
I'm really good at fighting....

I won my last fight by 100 metres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2bi9/im_really_good_at_fighting/
%
How will Donald Trump build such a huge wall ​without congressional approval​​?

By forcing every Juan to work on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2a05/how_will_donald_trump_build_such_a_huge_wall/
%
Just finished reading a book about Stockholm syndrome.

It was pretty bad at the start but by the end I liked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e29xu/just_finished_reading_a_book_about_stockholm/
%
If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno...

...there is a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice in your life too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e28qo/if_you_cant_tell_the_difference_between_delivery/
%
Monica Lewinsky says she WILL endorse Hillary for president...

..says Hillary Clinton "doesn't suck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e287t/monica_lewinsky_says_she_will_endorse_hillary_for/
%
April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?

PILGRIMS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e27hf/april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
%
Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia

and get lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'll shoot your dick off!" the prince says.
"I'm a fireman," the second guy says.
"Then we'll burn your cock off!" says the prince.
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e26os/three_guys_travel_to_saudi_arabia/
%
Why did the farmer stop smoking with his cattle?

Because the steaks were too high...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e22s8/why_did_the_farmer_stop_smoking_with_his_cattle/
%
Why God's credit score is so low?

Because only Jesus saves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2114/why_gods_credit_score_is_so_low/
%
What did baby corn say to momma corn?

where is popcorn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e1vp5/what_did_baby_corn_say_to_momma_corn/
%
I'm positive I lost an electron...

...better keep an ion that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e1uuh/im_positive_i_lost_an_electron/
%
Would you like some salt?

Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e1hqj/would_you_like_some_salt/
%
What's the difference between a collection and an addiction?

I don't have an alcohol collection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e1g2c/whats_the_difference_between_a_collection_and_an/
%
How many dead memes does it take to change a light bulb?

Over 9000.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e1fhf/how_many_dead_memes_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What does a duck put in its burrito?

Quackamole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e1c6y/what_does_a_duck_put_in_its_burrito/
%
Where does almond and cashew milk come from?

Crazy cows. They have to be nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e17hd/where_does_almond_and_cashew_milk_come_from/
%
A dad joke with which we can all sympathize

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should get the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in union, "Okay, dad. You get the toy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e179o/a_dad_joke_with_which_we_can_all_sympathize/
%
After the great flood, Noah begins unloading the ark, and instructs the animals to "go forth and multiply!"

Once most of the exodus has completed, he noticed a pair of adders in the back looking rather distraught. "What's the matter?" he asked them.
"We're only adders, we can't multiply!" said the snakes.
Thinking quickly, Noah dashed off into the forest, and returned a short time later carrying a felled tree over his shoulder. After flattening the sides, he placed it on the ground next to the adders, and said "Here's a log table, now even adders can multiply."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e16ty/after_the_great_flood_noah_begins_unloading_the/
%
What's a fundamentalist Christian's favorite type of car?

A convertible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e15ue/whats_a_fundamentalist_christians_favorite_type/
%
Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.

Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.
Man: Hi, I'd like to book a triplex for the weekend.
Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.
Man: Are you sure? I really need the triplex.
Yoda: There is no tri, only du.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e159u/yoda_is_working_at_a_hotel_as_a_concierge_and_a/
%
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Q:      How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:      Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following.  The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable.  Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation.  Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
Found when browsing through the [fortune](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortune_%28Unix%29) files.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e12s7/how_many_lawyers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
The blonde girl at school.

Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e10ht/the_blonde_girl_at_school/
%
Man goes on a work trip to Japan.

A man travels to Japan for work. After a few weeks he gets lonely and hires a prostitute. They get down to business, but right away she starts yelling "machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!"
Not speaking a word of Japanese he thinks she must be really enjoying it. He finishes up and she collects her things quickly, grabs the money scowling all the time and slams the door on the way out.
The next day his boss takes him out for a round of golf. On the third hole he tee's up, takes a swing and it flies true and lands a whole in one! He's so excited and wants to show off the Japanese he learned. "Machigatta ana" he screams!
He boss looks confused... "No, you got it in the right hole... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e0ygy/man_goes_on_a_work_trip_to_japan/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To knock knock on the door, walk into the bar and change the lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e0yg8/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

You can actually punch information into a computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e0v4x/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
%
93 and you have no enemy's?

A priest finishes his service, and at the end asks everyone to forgive their enemy's and when they have, put their hand up. So after a minute, about half the people's hands are in the air. "That's not good enough" the priest says and waits another while. Eventually, everyone's hands are up, except an elderly women. The priest asks her how old she is. "I am 93" she says. "You're 93 and have no enemy's, how did you manage that" the priest asks. "I outlived the bitches"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e0r7u/93_and_you_have_no_enemys/
%
What is Asia's favourite sitcom?

Everybody loves Ramen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e0o72/what_is_asias_favourite_sitcom/
%
Just cracked Forest Gump's password.

1forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e0kkr/just_cracked_forest_gumps_password/
%
What do native americans hate about snow?

it's white and all over there land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e0k9s/what_do_native_americans_hate_about_snow/
%
I don't think a lion would play golf

But a Tiger Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e0k2g/i_dont_think_a_lion_would_play_golf/
%
An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam

. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e0hxl/an_85yearold_man_had_to_take_a_sperm_count_for/
%
I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car

But they're having trouble installing windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e0ftq/i_heard_apple_is_designing_a_new_automatic_car/
%
What's the difference between light and hard?

You can go to sleep with a light on...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e0b00/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e05fj/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
If a stork brings a white baby and a crow brings a black baby, what brings no baby?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e04qg/if_a_stork_brings_a_white_baby_and_a_crow_brings/
%
I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."

"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e046y/i_said_to_my_girlfriend_please_get_me_a_newspaper/
%
What's a pirate's favorite letter?

7
Pirates are illiterate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dzvao/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
I made a butchers club

The only problem is we can't agree to a meating time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dzus2/i_made_a_butchers_club/
%
What did the pedophile write on his Tinder profile?

Netflix and Chilldren

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dzupo/what_did_the_pedophile_write_on_his_tinder_profile/
%
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?

Where's pop corn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dztw8/what_did_the_baby_corn_say_to_the_momma_corn/
%
It's the final day of the annual pirate convention, and the debate over the site of next years convention begins...

One pirate says, "how about ARRRbys!", many pirates nod in agreement.
Another pirate says, "how about ARRRkansas", even more pirates are pleased at that suggestion.
A third pirate says, "how about Boston!", a confused murmur spreads across the room, "stay with me here" says the pirate, "so we can pARRRk ARRRR cARRR in the hARRRRvard yARRRd!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dzqfv/its_the_final_day_of_the_annual_pirate_convention/
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My friend threw his watch in the trash.

"Stop!" I told him, "You're wasting time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dzm58/my_friend_threw_his_watch_in_the_trash/
%
What did the woman say while she was having a baby?

"This could use some salt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dzlc9/what_did_the_woman_say_while_she_was_having_a_baby/
%
What do you call a red neck invasion?

An incestation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dzj1k/what_do_you_call_a_red_neck_invasion/
%
I work in a call center and a customer told me this one.

A lonely man puts in ad out in the paper looking for a wife.
the next day he gets 100 responses all from men saying "you can have mine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dzfq6/i_work_in_a_call_center_and_a_customer_told_me/
%
My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger.

It was mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dzfq5/my_girlfriend_is_in_the_hospital_after_she_ate_a/
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My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

But my girlfriend keeps saying it says dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dzfbx/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
%
I almost committed suicide last night

I'll never do that again. I almost killed myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dze22/i_almost_committed_suicide_last_night/
%
I used to play water polo

But the horse drowned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dz992/i_used_to_play_water_polo/
%
Alzheimer's

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimer's disease.
Geezer: Well at least I don't have cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dz7tb/alzheimers/
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A homeless man is sitting in a bar

After a few drinks he begins speaking to a young lady. The homeless man mentions he feels it's unfair that he be homeless, seeing as he has a college degree.
Startled, the young lady asks, "Well, what did you study in college?"
The homeless man replies, "I had a major in Biotechnology and a French Minor. I think it's my felon status that prevents me from getting a job"
Intrigued, the young lady asks, "What landed you in jail?"
Taking a sip from his drink, the homeless man answers "The French minor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dz7nn/a_homeless_man_is_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
How did Helen Keller discover masturbation?

Trying to read her own lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dz69p/how_did_helen_keller_discover_masturbation/
%
What's the difference between a tuna, a piano and a gluestick?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dz2re/whats_the_difference_between_a_tuna_a_piano_and_a/
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Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dyyyp/whats_saudi_arabias_highest_rated_sitcom/
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I like the way you think ;)

A teacher is with her class and notices one student isn't paying attention. The teacher calls out the student, asking: “There are seven birds on a wire and one gets shot. How many are left?” The student replies, “there would be no birds left because the noise of the one getting shot would scare the other birds off.”
The teacher replied "Well the answer was 6 but I like the way you think.” the student says, ”Now  I have a question for you: There are three women on a park bench and they all have ice cream. One women is licking the cone, the other one is shoving the whole thing in her mouth, and one is biting the cone. How do you know which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing, replies, ” I guess the one shoving the whole cone in her mouth.”
The student replies, “No, its the one with the wedding ring but i like the way you think.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dyynj/i_like_the_way_you_think/
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Pirate captain's red shirt.

A man wanted to become a pirate so he joined a crew. Over time he ended up becoming first mate under an infamous captain. One evening a rival ship issued a challenge. The captain asked his first mate to grab his red shirt. He grabbed the shirt and they fought their rival and won. The next day two ships issued a challenge. The captain asked his first mate to grab his red shirt, they fought and won. A couple of days later five ships challenged this captain. He again asked his first mate to grab his red shirt, he did and they fought and won. The next day ten ships challenged them and again the captain asked for his red shirt. The first mate catching on to a sequence asked the captain "what's up with the shirt? No matter what we go against you always ask for it and we always win!" The captain replied "you see it's a physiological game. With the red shirt my crew can't see me bleed if I get injured and it helps with moral." The first mate understanding go's to grab the shirt and one again they are victorious. The next day, a huge armada came to face this crew, one hundred ships strong. Spooners and war-boats as far as the eye can see. The captain says to his first mate, "first mate go and grab my brown pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dyvgm/pirate_captains_red_shirt/
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What do you call a sudden breeze at The Masters?

Augusta wind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dyvd7/what_do_you_call_a_sudden_breeze_at_the_masters/
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What is the difference between homeless people and feminists?

Sometimes the homeless get change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dyut9/what_is_the_difference_between_homeless_people/
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How do you catch a unique bird ?

Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame bird ?
Tame way unique up on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dytmr/how_do_you_catch_a_unique_bird/
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A reporter is doing an article on the russian rural life-style...

...and she ends up in a small village.
The first person she interviews is an old man.
Reporter: Can you tell me anything interesting about your village?
Old man: Well there was this one time when a dog from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found it and took turns having sex with it.
The reporter now slightly scared replies: I'm afraid that's not something I can very well use, maybe something more...cheerful?
The old man replies: Very well, back in the day this very attractive woman from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found her and took turns having sex with her.
The reporter now visibly disturbed replies: That's not going to work either... maybe something sad that happened then.
The old man replies: Well there was this one time when I got lost in the neighbouring forrest...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dypbo/a_reporter_is_doing_an_article_on_the_russian/
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Words can't describe how beautiful someone is...

But numbers can. 4/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dyld0/words_cant_describe_how_beautiful_someone_is/
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What is a pirates favorite letter?

P. Because without it, he'd be irate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dygig/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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The Masochist begged the Sadist, "Beat me, beat me!!"

The Sadist said, "No"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dyg5e/the_masochist_begged_the_sadist_beat_me_beat_me/
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A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband

She asks, "Do I look fat in this dress?"
He replies, "Do I look dumb in this shirt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dycw3/a_wife_comes_downstairs_before_a_dinner_date_with/
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What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing...it just let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dybyy/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_got_stepped_on/
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While explaining sexual orientations to a classmate...

My classmate asks "wait, what's polyamory?"
-
I begin to explain that it's when one person can be involved in many different intimate relationships with the knowledge and consent from all of the parties involved.
When my professor overhears from the front of the class....and erupts:
-
**"That is DISGUSTING!"**
-
I begin to stutter a response when he interjects "How DARE they put a Greek prefix on a Latin root like that?! GREEK AND LATIN DO NOT FRATERNIZE!!"
......
.....
..
After moments of silence he quietly states "It should be poleryosy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dy6qo/while_explaining_sexual_orientations_to_a/
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What do you call a rock climbing cow?

A high steak situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dxxsl/what_do_you_call_a_rock_climbing_cow/
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What do you call the science of knives?

Cutting edge technology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dxtdn/what_do_you_call_the_science_of_knives/
%
The longest relationship I’ve had is with my first vibrator.

We were together 7 years. Off and on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dxpm4/the_longest_relationship_ive_had_is_with_my_first/
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Two engaged bachelors were talking about their sexual goals entering marriage...

The first said "I'm going to spank my wife more often than her dad did!"  The second said, "Hell, I'm hoping to fuck my wife more than her dad did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dxl40/two_engaged_bachelors_were_talking_about_their/
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I'm joining a cold war reenactment group.

We get together on weekends and hide under desks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dxdq4/im_joining_a_cold_war_reenactment_group/
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You know, Nikola Tesla was famous for changing his mind.

In fact, when his colleagues would ask his opinion on a subject he would often just reply, "Oh, I don't know. My thoughts on the matter are alternating currently."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dxbap/you_know_nikola_tesla_was_famous_for_changing_his/
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Gay men are so mean.

They're all fucking assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dx6gv/gay_men_are_so_mean/
%
The past, present, and future walked into a bar...

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dx0wo/the_past_present_and_future_walked_into_a_bar/
%
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic toy horses up his anus

His condition was stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwybl/a_man_was_hospitalised_with_6_plastic_toy_horses/
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Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day..

Light a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwwh6/build_a_man_a_fire_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
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What do you get when you cross a German and a Mexican?

A beanerschnitzel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwv6o/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_german_and_a/
%
I used to steal jokes of comedians.

I still do, but  I used to too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwrxo/i_used_to_steal_jokes_of_comedians/
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An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..

Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young Paddy Juan".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwoxf/an_irish_mexican_teenager_starts_a_job_as_a/
%
Why did vatican invite Bernie not Hillary?

They couldn't afford it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwlzh/why_did_vatican_invite_bernie_not_hillary/
%
What is the definition of a will?

C'mon. It's a dead giveaway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwhud/what_is_the_definition_of_a_will/
%
What did the woman from Finland say after seeing an old man fall in the water, knowing he couldn't swim?

"Oh no, Helsinki! He Finnish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwhoi/what_did_the_woman_from_finland_say_after_seeing/
%
If at first you don't succeed,

Skydiving isn't for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwgy4/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwg6w/why_do_carpets_in_white_folk_houses_always_need/
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A four year old boy is on the toilet

fighting some nasty diarrhea when he calls for his Mom.
"Mom I need some Viagra, please."
The Mom is shocked, asking " why in the world do you need Viagra."
The boy responds, "I heard you and Dad last night when you were yelling at him to take some Viagra because his shit was soft."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwfeh/a_four_year_old_boy_is_on_the_toilet/
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More Golf Jokes...

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.
Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF!...she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Fred screams back: "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! DON'T SWING!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dweqq/more_golf_jokes/
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a men & fat girl in bar

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwe3a/a_men_fat_girl_in_bar/
%
These damn flies

Little Johnny is standing on a street corner swatting flies.
Every time he sees a fly he utters, "damn flies, damn flies."
Just as Johnny says it a shocked priest walks up and says,
"You should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations has a purpose."
The little boy, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "Bullshit."
"Well tell me 3 things on this earth that God has made without  a cause," says the priest.
The boy looks at him with a grin and replies, "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these damn flies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwddh/these_damn_flies/
%
Jesus knows you are here.

Jesus  Knows you are here
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around,
Looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
Off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit,
He shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
Clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking
For the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room,
His flashlight beam came to rest
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwbqm/jesus_knows_you_are_here/
%
Masturbation isn't illegal

...but I'm sure if it was, people would take the law into their own hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwaqp/masturbation_isnt_illegal/
%
What is simultaneously the best and worst thing one can hear at the dentist?

These are the best looking teeth I've ever come across

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dwag7/what_is_simultaneously_the_best_and_worst_thing/
%
The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."
The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct."
She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dw8vg/the_teacher_asks_flora_what_part_of_the_human/
%
Two hunters are sitting in a deer stand.

The first one excitedly tells his buddy about the new binoculars he just bought "The image on these is razor-sharp. You can even see my house from here. Take a look!"
The second one takes a look and casually asks "What would you do if your wife cheated on you with your best friend?"
"Well first I would shoot her in the head and then I'd shoot his dick off."
"Take aim then, you might be able to do it with a single shot right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dw7x0/two_hunters_are_sitting_in_a_deer_stand/
%
It was my dad’s funeral last week.

We all walk into the chapel and there’s a huge floral arrangement on the coffin that says: “81.131.11.216”
My mother hisses to me, “What is *that*?”
I shrugged. “What you asked for: our IP in flowers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dw786/it_was_my_dads_funeral_last_week/
%
What did the guy with leprosy say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dw6y4/what_did_the_guy_with_leprosy_say_to_the/
%
I finally realized I could no longer keep my broken money making machine.

It just didn't make cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dvxki/i_finally_realized_i_could_no_longer_keep_my/
%
What do you call two gay Irish men?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dvt5j/what_do_you_call_two_gay_irish_men/
%
The Voice Coach

Voice Coach: "Let's start with a scale."
Student: "Do, re, muuuhh, fa, so, la, ti, doooh!"
Voice Coach: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't take that tone with mi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dvpb3/the_voice_coach/
%
My wife & I got into a big fight bc she says I'm always exaggerating.

I was so mad I stormed off & tripped over my dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dvp0y/my_wife_i_got_into_a_big_fight_bc_she_says_im/
%
Neon bumped into helium.

There was no reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dvnq6/neon_bumped_into_helium/
%
I bought a fleshlight today

My masturbation has gotten out of hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dvlb7/i_bought_a_fleshlight_today/
%
They say revolution breeds revolution.

Resistance is fertile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dvksx/they_say_revolution_breeds_revolution/
%
We're doing married golfer jokes now?

One day a man and his wife are golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, doglegs right around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."
He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "Whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.
Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. The man is about to punch his ball back to the fairway so he can have a clear shot at the green when his friend makes a suggestion. "What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."
The man replies, "No. I already tried that once and it ended up horribly."
"What happened?," his friend asked.
"I got a double bogey on this hole."
>A man and his buddies are about to tee off on the first hole, which happens to be near a street, when a funeral procession starts to drive by. The man steps back from his address, takes off his hat, puts it across his heart and watches silently as every car drives by and out of sight.
>One of his buddies, truly inspired, remarked, "Wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen."
>The man started to address the ball again before saying, "It was the least I could do. We were married for 35 years after all."
One day a man and his wife are golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, doglegs right around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."
He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "Whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, knocking her out.
Later at the hospital, the doctor talks to the man about his wife's status. "She's in stable condition for now. The swelling in her brain has stopped, and it looks like she will make a full recovery. However, upon her physical examination, we were surprised to find a golf ball in your wife's rectum. Do you have any idea how that may have gotten there?"
"Oh!" says the husband, "That was my mulligan"
>A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
>“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.”
>“We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
>"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
>“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
>“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dvjt6/were_doing_married_golfer_jokes_now/
%
If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry..

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dvj2j/if_your_parachute_doesnt_deploy_dont_worry/
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My psychologist just reddit-punned me

We were talking about school, and I mentioned the fact that I rarely pay attention in class and that I instead just surf the web or watch Netflix.
Him: "So, what sites do you surf the most?"
Me: "Well, there's this site called Reddit.."
Him: "I see.."
Me: "Have you heard of it?"
Him: "I'm not sure I've.. *read it*" *winks furiously at me*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dvcsg/my_psychologist_just_redditpunned_me/
%
A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dv3a9/a_pregnant_woman_was_involved_in_a_car_accident/
%
A boy walks into a pharmacy after school.

He asks the lady behind the desk for some aspirin/pain killers and asks
"this stuff works right?
The pharmacist says " yes it works son, did you hurt yourself? "
The boy says "no, I have an F on my report card and my parents don't know about it yet".
*This was a joke my dad told me in Polish and I tried to translate it the best I could for it to make sense*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4duynm/a_boy_walks_into_a_pharmacy_after_school/
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A nun gets onto a bus...

the only other people besides her in the bus were the bus driver and a hippy sitting in the back. The nun sat down a few rows in front of the hippy.
When the bus was nearing her stop, she heard the hippy yell from the back: "Please have sex with me!" She looked back at the hippy, disgusted, and declined. She got off at her stop.
After the bus door closed, the bus driver said, "I know a way that you can have sex with the nun. She goes to the cemetery every night at 9. Go there tonight, dressed as a ghost, and convince her to have sex with you or threaten to haunt her eternally."
The hippy appreciated the bus driver's advice and headed to the cemetery that night, dressed as a ghost. He spotted the nun and yelled, "Hey! Have sex with me or I will haunt you forever!"
The nun complied with the hippy's request, on one condition: "I'm a nun, I must hold onto my virginity. I will have sex with you, but it must be anal."
So, the ghost and the nun proceeded to have anal sex. After they were done, the ghost revealed himself. "Joke's on you!" He said. "I'm the hippy!"
The nun turned around, smiling. "Jokes on you. I'm the bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4duwb7/a_nun_gets_onto_a_bus/
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What is the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend?

The knife has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4duviy/what_is_the_difference_between_arguing_with_a/
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What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer: *WHACK!* and shouts "DAMN!"
A bad skydiver: shouts "DAMN!" *WHACK*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4durns/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
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What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator?

The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dur3m/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_guy_and_a/
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How many lawyers does it take to roof a building?

It depends on how thin you slice them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4duoq2/how_many_lawyers_does_it_take_to_roof_a_building/
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Why does Helen Keller play piano with only one hand?

Because she uses the other one to sing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4duffr/why_does_helen_keller_play_piano_with_only_one/
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Why is Bill Cosby like the The Wizard of Oz?

Cosby Cosby Cosby Cosby cos, because of the wonderful things he drugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4du9va/why_is_bill_cosby_like_the_the_wizard_of_oz/
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Is it I 'ran' through the campground?

Or...I 'run' through the campground?
Oh right, I ran, because its past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4du9re/is_it_i_ran_through_the_campground/
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Another joke for married golfers

"Honey," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" asked the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife.
After a long pause. "Well, yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!?"
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4du6th/another_joke_for_married_golfers/
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What emotion does a tree feel every spring?

Relief

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4du421/what_emotion_does_a_tree_feel_every_spring/
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How to catch an elephant

Dig a big hole
Fill it with ashes
Sprinkle peas on top
When the elephant goes to take a pea, kick it in the ash hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4du0fk/how_to_catch_an_elephant/
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Why is it called almond milk?

"Nut juice" wasnt very popular.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dtvjr/why_is_it_called_almond_milk/
%
Did you hear about the cvs looted by BLM supporters?

They took everything but the sunscreen and Father's Day cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dtv4k/did_you_hear_about_the_cvs_looted_by_blm/
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What's the worst thing you can come across while browsing the Internet?

Your keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dtv4d/whats_the_worst_thing_you_can_come_across_while/
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Why can't Chinese have Caucasian children?

Because two Wongs don't make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dtuv3/why_cant_chinese_have_caucasian_children/
%
There once was a man from nantucket(nsfw)

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
As he wiped off his chin he said with a grin
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dttzd/there_once_was_a_man_from_nantucketnsfw/
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My doctor put me on an extremely strict diet of fruit, vegetables, and protein.

My wife’s totally behind it, but I’m allowed one cheat-day so on Mondays when we go to her family’s I nip out into the orchard and fuck her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dtlmp/my_doctor_put_me_on_an_extremely_strict_diet_of/
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How do moms from West Virginia know when their daughters start their period?

Their son's dick starts tasting like blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dtkpj/how_do_moms_from_west_virginia_know_when_their/
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What are the Rolling Stones better at than the Bee gees?

Stayin' Alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dt6mi/what_are_the_rolling_stones_better_at_than_the/
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Looking

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dt5fu/looking/
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Job interview

‘What's your weakness?’
‘Honesty.’
‘I don't think honesty is a weakness.’
‘I don't give a fuck what you think.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dt4uh/job_interview/
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What bank do birds open accounts with?

The one with the most branches!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dt4sz/what_bank_do_birds_open_accounts_with/
%
Drugs are not a solution!

Until you mix them with water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dt4n0/drugs_are_not_a_solution/
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One jihadist said to another, "How many infidels do we kill?"

He answered, "Allah them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dt2r9/one_jihadist_said_to_another_how_many_infidels_do/
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My brother and I ran out of protein powder.

I turned to him and said, "no whey....."
(true story)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dt2qk/my_brother_and_i_ran_out_of_protein_powder/
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Do old men wear boxers or briefs?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dt1h6/do_old_men_wear_boxers_or_briefs/
%
Where do you bury a donkey?

In an asshole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dt013/where_do_you_bury_a_donkey/
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What's the worst part about being black and jewish?

You have to sit in the back of the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dszkr/whats_the_worst_part_about_being_black_and_jewish/
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Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns?

They always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dsyyj/why_dont_kleptomaniacs_understand_puns/
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One fine day, down at the local diner.

A waitress taking the breakfast order of a mother and her young son is startled when the little boy looks up at her and growls in a low, deep voice:
**"I want to consume the flesh of swine, and the unborn."**
His mother shakes her head, sighs, and says, "Bacon and eggs. He wants bacon and eggs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dsyoq/one_fine_day_down_at_the_local_diner/
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I met a guy who cross-bred insects...

...he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dsxqd/i_met_a_guy_who_crossbred_insects/
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Where is the bathroom for I.T people located?

At the I pee address.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dsxib/where_is_the_bathroom_for_it_people_located/
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Mexicans and blacks are a lot alike.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dsrv8/mexicans_and_blacks_are_a_lot_alike/
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How many heretics does it take to change a lightbulb?

We're not sure, they've yet to see the light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dspv6/how_many_heretics_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dsp3d/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

He doesn't have a car, so he decides to get a bike so he doesn't look like a complete loser.
At the bike shop, the owner holds up some Vaseline and says, "if it ever rains, make sure you put this on the bike to protect it".
The man leaves with his bike and the Vaseline in his pocket. He arrives at the house for dinner.
His girlfriend meets him at the door and says, "hey, so we have a rule here. The first person to talk during dinner has to do the dishes."
The man shrugs it off and walks inside. Upon walking in, he's shocked to see hundreds of dishes stacked all over the house, going up the stairs and overflowing the closets.
"I'm not doing these fucking dishes" he thinks to himself.
He walks into the kitchen and sits down. The parents smile at him silently.
Time passes, and they are halfway through dinner. The man is getting nervous, and he wants to make sure he isn't the first to talk.
He looks at his girlfriend and decides to fuck her right there on the table.
He finishes, but no one says a word. He sits down disappointed.
Looking at his girlfriend's mother, he decides she's good looking enough to fuck too. He takes her on the table as well. He finishes again, and still, no one says a word.
He sits at the table with a crying girlfriend, her shocked mother, and her livid father.
Frustrated, the man starts eating his dinner again when he hears thunder off in the distance.
Remembering the bike outside, he pulls out the Vaseline from his pocket.
The father stands up and says, "alright, I'll do the fucking dishes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dsmii/a_man_is_meeting_his_girlfriends_parents_for_the/
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How are women and computers the same?

Neither take your 3.5 inch floppy anymore.. unless you pay extra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dsjt4/how_are_women_and_computers_the_same/
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Where does the king keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dsi0e/where_does_the_king_keep_his_armies/
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My friend is a sex offender.

He never abused anybody, people are just offended at the thought of having sex with him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dsbub/my_friend_is_a_sex_offender/
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I heard about a robot that beat a man.

He was charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dsbqy/i_heard_about_a_robot_that_beat_a_man/
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A man is heading home

He is in a dark alley, and hears a little voice that asks "Do you want a blowjob for a cigarette?". The man doesn't want to miss such an opportunity and gets his blowjob.
Once it's done, he gives the cigarette to the voice who says "Thanks! Can you light it for me?" So the man lights a match and as he get it close to the voice's face, he realizes that this is his 12 years old daughter.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" He says "When did you start smoking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dsa9y/a_man_is_heading_home/
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Why was the feminist picnic cancelled?

because nobody made sandwiches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dsa1e/why_was_the_feminist_picnic_cancelled/
%
Knock, knock.

Who's there?
Deja.
Deja who?
Knock, knock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ds4lc/knock_knock/
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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing... they just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ds0bu/what_did_one_ocean_say_to_the_other_ocean/
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What is a pirate's favorite letter?

A pardon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dryty/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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At my new job I have 500 people under me.

I mow grass at a cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4drsc1/at_my_new_job_i_have_500_people_under_me/
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What comes up but never comes down?

Russian Cosmonauts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4drrqp/what_comes_up_but_never_comes_down/
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Did you hear about the guy who landed in the hospital after shoving 8 plastic toy horses in his butt?

His condition is stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4drpcy/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_landed_in_the/
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Man asks blonde for coffee without cream.

Blonde replies: "We're out of cream. Would you prefer coffee without milk instead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4drng4/man_asks_blonde_for_coffee_without_cream/
%
My wife accused me of being a transvestite...

So I packed her things and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4drjhk/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_a_transvestite/
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What's the difference between a condom and a parachute?

Well when condom fails a life comes, when parachute fails a life goes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4drcfq/whats_the_difference_between_a_condom_and_a/
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This morning I was beaten by a woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press one?" I don't remember much after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4drbcz/this_morning_i_was_beaten_by_a_woman_in_an/
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A joke for married golfers

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dr8aw/a_joke_for_married_golfers/
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My pubic hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.

I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dr3tw/my_pubic_hair_trimming_business_will_limit_itself/
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Two biologists get married and have twin girls.

They name one Jessica and the other Control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dr2j1/two_biologists_get_married_and_have_twin_girls/
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Why does my son Richard like playing in the mud?

Because he then becomes filthy Rich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dr1wo/why_does_my_son_richard_like_playing_in_the_mud/
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Me and My Friends Play Yu-Gi-Oh In The Shed

We call it the Shed-O-Realm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dr1rp/me_and_my_friends_play_yugioh_in_the_shed/
%
Where do Robots go for fun?

The Circuits!
(this is a joke i made up when i was like 10, i don't think it ever caught on)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dqzvi/where_do_robots_go_for_fun/
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My neighbour is in the Guinness book of world records.

He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dqz6o/my_neighbour_is_in_the_guinness_book_of_world/
%
I've just sold some glass rockets to Kim Jong Un.

I hope he's pleased with his new, clear weapons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dqvqn/ive_just_sold_some_glass_rockets_to_kim_jong_un/
%
The parrot

A young man decides to take a look around a pet store one morning. As he is walking through the store, he notices a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch. "Pssst, Pssst" the bird said as he motioned the man over to him. "You should take me home, I would make great company". "But you're defective, you have no legs. How do you even stay on that perch?" The man asked. "Aw that's simple" the bird replied. "I just wrap my dick around it, keeps me secure". The man laughed to himself and decided he had nothing to lose and brought his new companion home. When the man returned from work the next day, the bird motioned him over once again, "Pssst, Pssst". The man approached the bird and asked "what's the problem?". The bird replied "I don't know how to tell you this, but right after you left for work your neighbour came over, and him and your wife started kissing, and touching, and rubbing..." "Oh my God, then what happened?!"
"I don't know, I got a hard on and fell off my perch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dqslg/the_parrot/
%
A voice in the back of my head keeps telling me...

That the doctor's fucked up my mouth surgery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dqqps/a_voice_in_the_back_of_my_head_keeps_telling_me/
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An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying loudly.

A young guy walks by, sees him, and says "Hey buddy, what's wrong?"
The old guy replies, "I'm married to a smoking 18 year old hot nympho! *(sobs)* She fucks me in the morning, she fucks me during the day, she fucks me at night,*(sobs louder)* it's non-stop sex, sex, sex *(sobs uncontrollably)*!
Young guy says, "Geez, old man, that's awesome, why are you crying?"
"I forget where I live!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dqpfb/an_old_man_is_sitting_on_a_park_bench_crying/
%
My music teacher got electrocuted yesterday

Unfortunately he was a great conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dqn65/my_music_teacher_got_electrocuted_yesterday/
%
My Viagra pill got caught in my throat!

I've had a stiff neck for three days…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dqmri/my_viagra_pill_got_caught_in_my_throat/
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My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex

Just this morning she asked me
"Is that the best you can do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dqmhe/my_daughter_has_gotten_to_the_age_where_she_asks/
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What road do crazy people take?

The Pyscho**path**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dqf2i/what_road_do_crazy_people_take/
%
My grandfather's new 21 year old wife denies she’s a gold digger

but I think it’s a little suspicious she married him less than a week after his death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dqeql/my_grandfathers_new_21_year_old_wife_denies_shes/
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[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together

and discussing surgeries they had performed..
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident;
I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident;
I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs”. Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana
and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.
All I had left to work with was the man's  blonde hair and the Horse's ass.
I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U..S.A!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dqe0s/longthree_toronto_surgeons_were_playing_golf/
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If life gives you melons...

you're probably dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dqa5b/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
Woman 1 - Your husband now comes home early. How has this happened?

Woman 2 - I've simply told him sex will start exactly at 9 PM, with or without him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dq8cc/woman_1_your_husband_now_comes_home_early_how_has/
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I tried to tell my son the joke about the donkey eating corn.

He said he didn't want to hear another corny ass joke out of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dq7n8/i_tried_to_tell_my_son_the_joke_about_the_donkey/
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I was gonna tell a priest joke...

But it would probably rub some kids the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dq42v/i_was_gonna_tell_a_priest_joke/
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I am a dyslexic agnostic insomniac.

I lie awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dq31z/i_am_a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
%
My doctor told me I had the airport flu.

He says it's terminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dq2je/my_doctor_told_me_i_had_the_airport_flu/
%
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seat belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dpyao/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
VIAGRA: It won't make you James Bond...

But it will make you Roger Moore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dpqo7/viagra_it_wont_make_you_james_bond/
%
A grandma is shopping with her grandson

.The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree put the toy back"!
A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, is that his name? The grandma replied "Yes I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dpoap/a_grandma_is_shopping_with_her_grandson/
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Two men are walking their dogs

, a Poodle and a German Shepherd. They decide they'd like to go into a bar for a drink. "But we can't bring our dogs into that bar," says the Poodle's human.
"No problem," says the German Shepherd's human. "Just watch this." He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and walks into the bar.
"Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender.
"But this is a seeing eye dog," says the German Shepherd's human. The bartender apologizes and shows them to a chair.
So, the Poodle owner decides to follow suit, whips out his sunglasses, and walks into the bar.
"Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender.
"But this is a seeing eye dog," says the Poodle's human.
The bartender objects, "Hey, Poodles can't be seeing eye dogs!"
The Poodle owner gasps, "What! The agency gave me a poodle?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dpkhz/two_men_are_walking_their_dogs/
%
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.

Baa-dum-tssss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dpjcz/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's some obscure number.. You've probably never heard of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dphhc/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What physical trait does a shapely woman who studies statistics have?

Belle curves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dpf82/what_physical_trait_does_a_shapely_woman_who/
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Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?

Because it's two-tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dpcwi/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_up_by_itself/
%
I told my pregnant girl friend that she was as big as a 747.

That did not fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dp9im/i_told_my_pregnant_girl_friend_that_she_was_as/
%
I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dowl0/im_kinda_scrawny_so_i_had_to_quit_my_job_as_a/
%
What's the difference between an infinite line and an infinitely large circle?

There is no difference.
The joke is you just learned math.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4doukk/whats_the_difference_between_an_infinite_line_and/
%
[Dirty] What is the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew?

Harry escaped the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4doqmu/dirty_what_is_the_difference_between_harry_potter/
%
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, then they'd be called bagels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4domku/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
%
I went on a date with a girl called simile...

But I don't know what I metaphor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dol1m/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_girl_called_simile/
%
A man from Alabama is touring Harvard for Freshman orientation...

Somewhat lost, he asks a student in his most formal country accent "Y'know where the lib'ary's at?"
The student scoffed, turned his nose up and replies "Ugh, do not end your sentence with a preposition."
The young man then says "Okay. Y'know where the lib'ary's at... Asshole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dokxi/a_man_from_alabama_is_touring_harvard_for/
%
New study reveals that women actually make better archaeologist.

They're always digging up old shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4doki6/new_study_reveals_that_women_actually_make_better/
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An Irish Joke

Eight-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Frank."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is no longer Mohammad. I'm in Ireland now and my name is Frank."
"What?" she said. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day when Mohammad returned to school the teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Frank?" she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming Irish I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4doids/an_irish_joke/
%
What do you call an Irishman who's had eight beers?

The designated driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4doho8/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_whos_had_eight_beers/
%
How does Kanye West screw in a lightbulb?

He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dog81/how_does_kanye_west_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
Did you ever hear the one about Superman and Wonder Woman?

Superman's flying around metropolis and he's horny as hell. He's checking out the rooftops and all of a sudden he sees Wonder Woman sunning herself on the roof of the Justice League. I mean she is lying there buck naked and spread eagle. Looks like she wants to get fucked right? So Superman starts thinking to himself, "Man I gotta get myself some of that wonderpussy." and then he realizes that he can fly down, do a little fast pumping and be gone before she even sees him. Because he's Superman. he's faster than a speeding bullet, right?
So Superman, he swoops down, he fucks her so quick, she doesn't even see him. Wonder Woman sits up and says, "What the fuck was that?!" and The Invisible Man says "I don't know but my asshole is killing me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4do8g6/did_you_ever_hear_the_one_about_superman_and/
%
Which newton's law creates the most noise?

Newton's mother-in-law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4do65d/which_newtons_law_creates_the_most_noise/
%
What do dads never forget to include in their "dad" jokes?

PUNctuation
Okay, I'll leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4do5xe/what_do_dads_never_forget_to_include_in_their_dad/
%
Why do women have boobs?

So you got something to look at while you're talking to them. - Thanks Peter Griffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dnzox/why_do_women_have_boobs/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic, homosexual rooster?

Dude'll do a cock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dnyo1/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_homosexual_rooster/
%
What's the difference between an airplane and an abortion?

Only one doesn't fly after coming into contact with a hanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dnu6a/whats_the_difference_between_an_airplane_and_an/
%
You know, I always thought that show Deadliest Catch was about HIV...

But here it turns out to be about Crabs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dns7i/you_know_i_always_thought_that_show_deadliest/
%
Woman goes to an Asian doctor:

Woman: I don't know what it is, I can't seem to get a date, is something wrong with me?
Doc: Well, take off your clothes.  Now walk away from me.  Now walk towards me.  Ok, I see now. You have Ed Zackary disease.  Got it real bad!
Woman: Oh my, what is that??
Doc: That when your face look Ed Zackary like your ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dnkko/woman_goes_to_an_asian_doctor/
%
Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches.

This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dnjqz/scientists_say_the_average_size_of_the_male_penis/
%
How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dnjkp/how_do_you_kill_a_circus/
%
The Mechanic who worked in Antarctica.

A penguin is driving along one day and his car starts making this really strange sound. So, he pulls into the first gas station he sees, jumps out of his car, runs up to the mechanic and says: "I need for someone to look at my car! There's something wrong with it!"
1 The mechanic looks at him and says "Well I can do that but you'll have to wait about 20 minutes or so." The penguin looks across the street and notices an ice cream shop! So he says "OK I'll be back."
He tosses him his keys runs across the street and has a big ol' bowl of ice cream. He comes back, looks at the mechanic and says "Did you figure out what's wrong with my car?" "Well" replies the mechanic "looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes off his face and says "OH NO, that's just ice cream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dngir/the_mechanic_who_worked_in_antarctica/
%
It makes sense that tumblr is against whites with dreadlocks

After all, these are the *dreaded* white people they're always talking about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dnctj/it_makes_sense_that_tumblr_is_against_whites_with/
%
I have a gardening tool that I use to dig up large amounts of treasure

So yeah, I got a big booty hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dn9z7/i_have_a_gardening_tool_that_i_use_to_dig_up/
%
Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night

My next shit could spell trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dn1s9/accidentally_swallowed_some_scrabble_tiles_last/
%
Who's the most annoying of all the X-Men?

Caitlyn Jenner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dn0hc/whos_the_most_annoying_of_all_the_xmen/
%
People say money is not the key to happiness

But with enough money, you can have a key made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmyz1/people_say_money_is_not_the_key_to_happiness/
%
Children's laughter can be a wonderful thing

Unless its 2AM and you don't have any kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmxv0/childrens_laughter_can_be_a_wonderful_thing/
%
I believe Donald Trump can make this country what it once was-

-an arctic region with zero population

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmsqo/i_believe_donald_trump_can_make_this_country_what/
%
I haven't spoken to my girlfriend in months.

I don't want to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmros/i_havent_spoken_to_my_girlfriend_in_months/
%
Two cannibals are sitting around eating dinner. One begins to complain to the other, "You know, I really don't like my mother in law."

"Then just eat the noodles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmr2q/two_cannibals_are_sitting_around_eating_dinner/
%
Heard this one at work today

I called out order number 404
Guy comes up and says "I thought I would never find it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmpr5/heard_this_one_at_work_today/
%
My girlfriend has a global map tattooed on her body

She may have been a difficult person to deal with. But you always knew where you were with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmpnp/my_girlfriend_has_a_global_map_tattooed_on_her/
%
What are a plumbers least favorite kind of shoe?

Clogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmpkz/what_are_a_plumbers_least_favorite_kind_of_shoe/
%
What does the sign on an out of business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmnlr/what_does_the_sign_on_an_out_of_business_brothel/
%
The other day I ran into my Ex

So I backed up and ran into her again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmjrf/the_other_day_i_ran_into_my_ex/
%
Jesus, his Apostles and followers arrived in a town where the townspeople were about to stone some thieves...

... Jesus walked between the thieves and townspeople and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a rock hit Jesus in the back of the head.  He turned around and said "You know Ma, sometimes you really piss me off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmhfn/jesus_his_apostles_and_followers_arrived_in_a/
%
Not a fan of APA

MLA, however, was love at first cite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmg4b/not_a_fan_of_apa/
%
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff

badum tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmfi3/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_down_a_cliff/
%
What's the difference between a boy scout and a jew?

The boy scout comes home from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmfdj/whats_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a_jew/
%
A Scottish joke

An Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be foundlocally, the call went out around the world.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 in appreciation for the blood donation.
A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure.
Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He then phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dme9i/a_scottish_joke/
%
After my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed.

My address, my job, my phone number...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dmauq/after_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_everything/
%
I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.

So I took them to our local fish market, saying, "Shhhh... they're all asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dm7ur/i_couldnt_afford_to_take_my_kids_to_sea_world/
%
Developers don't spoon their SO

They fork them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dm25b/developers_dont_spoon_their_so/
%
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dm1wt/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
%
What do a Bernie Sanders supporter, a Cross-Fitter, and a person with Herpes have in common?

They all "Feel The Burn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dlzv3/what_do_a_bernie_sanders_supporter_a_crossfitter/
%
Chickens react to Easter Eggs

Some farmer's kids are painting eggs for Easter. One looks up and says, "Hey, how do you think the chickens would act around these?"
"I don't know," says the other. "Let's find out!"
They go into the chicken coop, steal the fresh eggs and replace them with the colorful eggs. The kids step out and watch.
The hens come in and nothing, they go about their business.
The rooster struts in, sees the eggs, and has a fit. He bursts out of the coop, storms across the farmyard, and beats the hell out of the peacock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dln49/chickens_react_to_easter_eggs/
%
Why doesn't the sun pack it's bags?

Because it's traveling light!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dlkil/why_doesnt_the_sun_pack_its_bags/
%
Women are like a swimming pool...

considering the money you spent on it and the time you spend in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dljad/women_are_like_a_swimming_pool/
%
I hired an old German plumber when remodeling my apartment

He was a great guy, very reliable and thorough. But it seems old habits die hard. He connected gas main to my shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dldye/i_hired_an_old_german_plumber_when_remodeling_my/
%
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The second telephone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dl9gj/what_was_more_important_than_the_invention_of_the/
%
Kool-Aid Man breaks through wall.

"Oh ya!"
[breaks 2nd wall]
"Oh ya!"
[3rd wall]
"OHHH YEAAHH!"
[breaks 4th wall]
*Winks at camera*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dl107/koolaid_man_breaks_through_wall/
%
Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dl0nl/court_decision_i_hereby_find_you_guilty_of/
%
The Chinese recently made a scientific discovery.

They discovered a louse so small that it lives on the back of the common housefly.
It's a remarkable discovery, but it's gone completely unnoticed because nobody thinks it odd that the Chinese are raving about their fly lice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dkznr/the_chinese_recently_made_a_scientific_discovery/
%
"Siri, do you have free will?"

"I am programmed to say 'Yes'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dkzme/siri_do_you_have_free_will/
%
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death

"Jokes on you" I said "if I die in battle I'll go straight to Valhalla"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dky4h/my_girlfriend_said_if_i_dont_stop_my_obsession/
%
I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.

Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dkwop/i_went_to_bed_with_a_7_and_woke_up_with_a_10/
%
It was a pain to clean up after carrying out my fetish for the first time.

But its definitely a load off my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dkqi6/it_was_a_pain_to_clean_up_after_carrying_out_my/
%
What did the deaf nymphomaniac say?

come again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dkosh/what_did_the_deaf_nymphomaniac_say/
%
Why did the orange go to the doctor?

Because she wasn't peeling very well...
All credit to my 8 yo son who suggested I post it here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dkkxn/why_did_the_orange_go_to_the_doctor/
%
Bernie Sanders to cut the BS

Now wants to be called Ernie Anders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dkf5l/bernie_sanders_to_cut_the_bs/
%
Minnie Mouse comes home to Mickey and tells him she wants to get a divorce

Mickey: "What? Think of what this will do to the ratings! Are you fucking crazy!?"
Minnie: "No dear, I'm fucking Goofy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dkbrz/minnie_mouse_comes_home_to_mickey_and_tells_him/
%
NSFW The Voodoo Dick.

A man married to a nymphomaniac is going on a business trip, and he is worried his wife is going to cheat on him. So he decides to buy her a toy in the hopes of keeping her satisfied until he gets back. He goes to the neighborhood sex shop and explains his situation the the store owner. The owner groans with understanding and steps into the back room, and come back with a black box tied with a black bow. He explains to the man that this is the voodoo dick, a cursed dildo that will fuck anything you tell it to mercilessly. He explains that you just call out to the dildo by its name "Voodoo Dick" and tell it what to fuck. The man scoffs and laughs at the store owner. The store owner smiles and simply says "Voodoo dick, doorknob". The bow slid itself undone, and the lip came off the box as a black dildo hovered out of the box for a moment and launched itself at the doorknob of the front door. It the proceeded to plow the doorknob through the door. As the man stood slack jawed the store owner said "Voodoo Dick, return" and the dildo went back into its box, and the owner asked if that would be cash or charge?
As the man was leaving for his trip he presented the black box to this wife and told her that this toy would satisfy her until he was able to get home and told her to just call it by name, tell it what to fuck, and she would not be disappointing. Within a day the wife was itching to feel a cock inside her and pulled out the black box. She giggled at the thought but commanded "Voodoo Dick, my pussy" Much to her amazement the dildo rose out of the box and plunged itself deep into her. Within a minute she was curling her toes and spasming with sheer ecstasy. Instantly in love, she shouts Yes, Yes, just like that! The voodoo dick keeps going and before she knows it she is having multiple orgasms, one after another. After about an hour she decides to take a rest, but as she goes to pull the Voodoo Dick out of her, it pulled against her. Easily overpowering her, and continuing to fuck her hard and deep. She realizes that she doesn't know how to make it stop, and before long panic starts setting in. She decides she has to get to the hospital for help. She makes her way out of the house and into her car stopping every few steps in the midst of a body shaking orgasm. She gets on the road and makes her way towards the hospital shivering every second. It is not long before A police officer sees her swerving on the road and quickly pulls her over. As he approaches the car he finds a panicked and moaning woman gasping between moans that a magic voodoo dick her husband got her won't stoop fucking her. The cop laughs and says "Voodoo Dick, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dk7kq/nsfw_the_voodoo_dick/
%
What do they call divorce in India?

Re-arranged marriage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dk5xi/what_do_they_call_divorce_in_india/
%
A duck walks into a bar.

He sits down at the bar and asks the bartender "you got any grapes?" The bartender says "no". The duck says "ok" and walks out.
The next day he comes back, sits down and asks the bartender "You got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, we don't have grapes." The duck says "ok" and walks out.
The next day the duck comes back, sits, down and asks the bartender "You got any grapes?" The bartender says "What the fuck is wrong with you? I'v told you we don't serve grapes!" The duck says "ok" and walks out.
The next day the duck come back, sits down and asks the bartender "You got any grapes?" The bartender says "Motherfucker, if you come in here again asking for grapes again, I am going to nail your feet to the floor!!" The duck says "ok" and walks out.
The next day the duck comes back, sits down and asks "You got any nails?" The bartender says "no". The duck asks "You got any grapes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dk4ac/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cringe, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dk3cy/there_was_once_a_young_man_who_in_his_youth/
%
What's the difference between a Jew and a Bullet?

The Bullet leaves the chamber.
Courtesy of my comrade Ivo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4djytf/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_bullet/
%
I don't know why people are surprised when I tell them my Grandfather Made it out of Auschwitz.

Most of the German officers did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4djx9n/i_dont_know_why_people_are_surprised_when_i_tell/
%
Grammar Nazi vs. Hitler

Soldier:"Sir, we are mining too many useless ores."
Hitler:"So mine less!"
[Grammar Nazi busts in]
"MINE FEWER"
[Hitler looks up] "Yes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4djwv5/grammar_nazi_vs_hitler/
%
Why do all the trees in Kansas lean south?

Because Oklahoma sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4djwc1/why_do_all_the_trees_in_kansas_lean_south/
%
What did the Sewage Worker say to his apprentice?

Urine for a surprise.
^^^^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4djw8d/what_did_the_sewage_worker_say_to_his_apprentice/
%
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change color?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dju4e/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_that_couldnt/
%
The local police station had their toilet stolen.

The cops say they have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4djmp7/the_local_police_station_had_their_toilet_stolen/
%
Two unconnected vertices?

That's where I draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4djlkm/two_unconnected_vertices/
%
What was the pirate boxing champion known for?

His left hook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4djirw/what_was_the_pirate_boxing_champion_known_for/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4djhmo/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
Goth people wear black to reflect the color of their souls...

Except ginger goths.  They go naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4djgjh/goth_people_wear_black_to_reflect_the_color_of/
%
What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4djg89/what_did_soviet_russians_use_for_lighting_before/
%
What's the difference between CrossFit and a cult?

A torn ACL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dj7ar/whats_the_difference_between_crossfit_and_a_cult/
%
I once killed 19 birds with one gunshot, people asked why didn't I round up to 20

Do you really think I would risk getting caught lying just for 1 bird ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dix5w/i_once_killed_19_birds_with_one_gunshot_people/
%
Saudi Arabia

Where you can get caught with marijuana and still get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dihdr/saudi_arabia/
%
A woman says to her doctor, "Kiss me!"

He says "No, I can't."
She asks again "Doctor, please kiss me!"
Again he says "No, that would be unprofessional."
Now she's practically begging "Kiss me!"
He yells "No! I shouldn't even be having sex with you right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4difvo/a_woman_says_to_her_doctor_kiss_me/
%
My neighbor, an elderly prostitute, adopted a puppy

and asked me if I could help train it.
I told her "No sorry, you can't teach an old trick's new dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dif3h/my_neighbor_an_elderly_prostitute_adopted_a_puppy/
%
How much did the pirate's new earrings cost him?

A buccaneer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dieuk/how_much_did_the_pirates_new_earrings_cost_him/
%
I masturbate with soap

Just thought I'd come clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4didww/i_masturbate_with_soap/
%
I'm working on a fitness routine for insects.

It's going well, but I'm still trying to work out the bugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dicbg/im_working_on_a_fitness_routine_for_insects/
%
Merry christmas and happy new year!

- Internet explorer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4di30r/merry_christmas_and_happy_new_year/
%
How does a man who cannot curse kill someone?

He buttbuttinates them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dhzk0/how_does_a_man_who_cannot_curse_kill_someone/
%
What is the one thing batman and superman don't have to worry about?

Dad Jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dht8o/what_is_the_one_thing_batman_and_superman_dont/
%
Why did Hank Hill join an S&M club?

He heard they were Pro-Pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dhsmf/why_did_hank_hill_join_an_sm_club/
%
Why don't oysters give to charity?

They are shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dhrat/why_dont_oysters_give_to_charity/
%
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean **all go to a nightclub...**
The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a **Thai**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dhpoo/an_afghan_an_albanian_an_algerian_an_american_an/
%
What didn't the Japanese understand nuclear missile technology?

It was a little over their heads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dhp5v/what_didnt_the_japanese_understand_nuclear/
%
Who died and left America in charge?

Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dhobc/who_died_and_left_america_in_charge/
%
How did Hitler like his juice?

Concentrated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dhktp/how_did_hitler_like_his_juice/
%
my Doctor told me i have to stop masturbating...

...because he cant concentrate
i heard this a few years ago its probably been posted before but its pretty funny so enjoy :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dhkqd/my_doctor_told_me_i_have_to_stop_masturbating/
%
My girlfriend told me to stop listening to Oasis

I said maybe..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dhhp8/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_stop_listening_to_oasis/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer!

I don't know what he laced them with, *but I have been tripping all day*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dh9go/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
Somebody broke into my house yesterday, and stole all my lamps.

I was delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dh872/somebody_broke_into_my_house_yesterday_and_stole/
%
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for his birthday?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dh7el/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_luke_got_him_for/
%
I tried eating a clock earlier..

It was really time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dh6kn/i_tried_eating_a_clock_earlier/
%
I got second place in a star gazing competition once.

The winner got a telescope, but all I got was a constellation prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dh222/i_got_second_place_in_a_star_gazing_competition/
%
Where do stoner cars store their weed?

In potholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dh1vn/where_do_stoner_cars_store_their_weed/
%
Morris, 86 years old, walked into a crowded doctor's surgery.

As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," Morris says aloud.
The receptionist was quite shocked at his reply and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded surgery and talk that way."
"Why not?" said Morris, "you asked me what was wrong and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "But you've caused some embarrassment – this room is full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the real problem with the doctor in private."
So Morris walked out, waited several minutes and came in again.
The receptionist smiled and said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," Morris replied.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing Morris had taken her advice.  "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't pee out of it," Morris replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dgyzp/morris_86_years_old_walked_into_a_crowded_doctors/
%
What does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella for?

Fo Drizzle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dgoho/what_does_snoop_dogg_use_an_umbrella_for/
%
What is a mattress' favorite season?

Spring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dgmn3/what_is_a_mattress_favorite_season/
%
We shouldn't bother fat people

They have enough on their plate already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dglg8/we_shouldnt_bother_fat_people/
%
Break a mirror and get 7 years of bad luck...

Break a condom and get 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dglcs/break_a_mirror_and_get_7_years_of_bad_luck/
%
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dgkex/why_did_the_monkey_fall_out_of_the_tree/
%
What do you call a George Clooney sex party?

A Georgy. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dggm0/what_do_you_call_a_george_clooney_sex_party/
%
On the perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice?

So... Can I come inside?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dggea/on_the_perfect_date_what_question_do_you_ask_a/
%
Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 30 percent off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dgf6s/why_do_jewish_men_get_circumcised/
%
A good rule of thumb is

It's opposable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dgdng/a_good_rule_of_thumb_is/
%
Q:Why Do Russian Students Always Turn in Their Homework Late?

**A:Because, all they ever learn about is Stalin.**
Q: What did the student's get as a result of never turning in their homework on time?
**A: Bad Marx.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dgbr8/qwhy_do_russian_students_always_turn_in_their/
%
I was such a stud that I lasted 1 hour and 5 seconds in bed

Thanks Day light saving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dg91j/i_was_such_a_stud_that_i_lasted_1_hour_and_5/
%
So I read on a website to "treat your furry friend once a week."

So I bought him two tickets to Zootopia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dg755/so_i_read_on_a_website_to_treat_your_furry_friend/
%
Damn girl, are you a time traveler?

Because being fat was attractive in the 1500's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dg5oy/damn_girl_are_you_a_time_traveler/
%
I was going to make a illegal immigrant joke

But I wouldn't want to cross that border

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dg5mh/i_was_going_to_make_a_illegal_immigrant_joke/
%
How to Fall Down the Stairs

Step 1
Step 2
Step 5
Step 9
Step 12
Floor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dg4l3/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/
%
Why can't you trick an unemployed jester?

Because he's nobody's fool!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dg1q6/why_cant_you_trick_an_unemployed_jester/
%
I've been training for the masturbation world record.

I'm gonna beat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dfz6z/ive_been_training_for_the_masturbation_world/
%
A French Girl gets her Period

My friend's family is French.
His sister had this huge French flag for a bed sheet.
Then one night she got her period.
Imagine her shock when she woke up on the Japanese Flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dfyp1/a_french_girl_gets_her_period/
%
Call me a stun gun

Because I'm going to shock you with a bad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dfuxa/call_me_a_stun_gun/
%
Its a longy but a goody

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the banker proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!
"What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dfsg7/its_a_longy_but_a_goody/
%
I can't stop traveling to Southern Spain.

It's all so Moorish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dfn0x/i_cant_stop_traveling_to_southern_spain/
%
If our last names came from the jobs of our ancestors...

Then I feel really bad for the boys of the "Dickinson" family tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dfkzt/if_our_last_names_came_from_the_jobs_of_our/
%
My mom's late for everything, and it irritates the hell out of me.

For example, last week she drove me to an abortion clinic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dfkil/my_moms_late_for_everything_and_it_irritates_the/
%
Strings are usually pretty straight

Unless they're knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dfj8p/strings_are_usually_pretty_straight/
%
How do programmers get a sixpack?

int[][] abs = new int[2][3]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dfi8h/how_do_programmers_get_a_sixpack/
%
I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises.

The librarian said "I don't think its in yet".
I said "Yes that's the one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dfdxf/i_went_to_the_library_and_asked_if_they_had_the/
%
Hunter goes bear hunting.

A hunter goes to the forest. He sees a bear and fires at it, but misses. The bear is nowhere to be seen.
Suddenly the bear taps him on his shoulder and says, "You tried to kill me, either I'll kill you or pull down your trousers and let me fuck you". The man chose life.
He goes home embarrassed, buys a bigger gun and goes back to hunt the bear. He sees it at a distance, fires, misses, the bear disappears in the thick brush only to pop up behind him a little later. The bear recognizes the hunter and says, "You know the choices."
The hunter, after being fucked again, brings a bazooka to get over his humiliation. He finds the bear, fires and falls back due to recoil. The smoke clears and the bear is standing over him, rubbing it's chin. "You don't come here for hunting, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4df9gl/hunter_goes_bear_hunting/
%
Men are like bank accounts.

Without money they won't generate much interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4df9gc/men_are_like_bank_accounts/
%
Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4df7mz/doctor_i_have_a_sexual_problem/
%
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market....

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4df2m2/there_was_a_boy_who_worked_in_the_produce_section/
%
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4deqeh/why_does_a_chicken_coop_have_two_doors/
%
I went to the pound the other day...

...I was looking for a new dog.  While I was there one stood out in particular.  Every minute he would bark out the time exactly as it happened.
"Bark!  12:32"
...
"Bark!  12:33"
...
"Bark!  12:34"
"This dog is amazing!" I thought to myself as I wondered why he did his trick.  I just had to know.
I asked an employee, "Excuse me, but why does that dog bark out the time every minute?"
The employee looked back and said, "All of that breed do it."
"What kind is it?" I asked.
"He's a watch dog of course!" Responded the employee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dep6g/i_went_to_the_pound_the_other_day/
%
Mahatma Ghandi never wore shoes...

Gandhi never wore shoes, and so his feet were always covered in loads of callouses and blisters. And because he never ate food, he was always very frail. Furthermore his fasting caused him to have horrible breath. So...
I guess you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4deoqb/mahatma_ghandi_never_wore_shoes/
%
Threesome? No Thanks!

If I wanted to dissapoint two people at once I would just have dinner with my parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4delm3/threesome_no_thanks/
%
How can you a drop a egg on concrete without cracking it?

Anyway you want. Concrete doesn't break easily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dek1n/how_can_you_a_drop_a_egg_on_concrete_without/
%
What do you call a rude criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dejwi/what_do_you_call_a_rude_criminal_walking_down_the/
%
How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?

Put it into airplane mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dejr9/how_do_you_blow_up_a_muslims_iphone/
%
A park ranger finds a man in the wilderness eating a bald eagle.

The man is arrested and brought to trial for killing a protected bird.
He pleads with the judge, "Your honor, I was lost in the wilderness for three days without food, and the eagle attacked me. I fought back in self-defense, and I ate it because I was starving."
The judge listens to the tale and rules that the man is not guilty. But he turns to the man and asks, "Well, now that we're done with all that, I admit that I am curious to know, what does bald eagle taste like?"
"Well, your honor, it's like a cross between a snowy owl and a whooping crane."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4deimb/a_park_ranger_finds_a_man_in_the_wilderness/
%
Antique shop owners in the middle east have one rule

Dubreak, Dubai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4degxz/antique_shop_owners_in_the_middle_east_have_one/
%
Little Jimmy is in class when his teacher asks...

Little Jimmy is in class when his teacher asks "What's 6x9?"
Little Jimmy answers "54" and the teacher says "Good job! Now, what's 9x6?"
Little Jimmy says "What's the fucking difference?" and the teacher says "No, what's the fucking product?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4de61w/little_jimmy_is_in_class_when_his_teacher_asks/
%
My boss was totally honest with me today...

He pulled up to work this morning in his sweet new sports car and when he saw me admiring it he said "Well, if you work really hard, set big goals and hit them, I can get an even nicer one next year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4de5ij/my_boss_was_totally_honest_with_me_today/
%
My university lecturer makes all of his students buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It's textbook economics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4de4f8/my_university_lecturer_makes_all_of_his_students/
%
What's the difference between Batman's parents and jokes about Batman's parents?

Jokes about Batman's parents can get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4de40t/whats_the_difference_between_batmans_parents_and/
%
How many animals can you fit in a condom?

A cock and a couples of hares!
Source: I was told this in a bar tonight and felt the need to share it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4de2nz/how_many_animals_can_you_fit_in_a_condom/
%
An Irish Woman visits a friend....

An Irish Woman visits a friend, Tim, who opens the door, visibly upset.
"Oh Mary, i'm afraid something terrible has happened, your husband, he's dead." He says.
"Oh god, what happened?" She inquired.
"Pat and I were working at the Brewery, and he went straight into the vat."
Mary began to well up "Oh heavens." she exclaimed "Was it quick? Did he suffer?" She asked
"No love, he got out three times to take a piss."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4de2ip/an_irish_woman_visits_a_friend/
%
Why do school nurses bring a red crayon to work?

So they can draw blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4de0y2/why_do_school_nurses_bring_a_red_crayon_to_work/
%
The twenty and the one . . .

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.  As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they strike up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.  "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to a Methodist Church, a Baptist Church, a Lutheran Church."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ddzld/the_twenty_and_the_one/
%
What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive?

Popeye got pissed.
Watching old episodes of Beavis & Butt-head on YouTube; you can blame them for this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ddywk/what_happened_when_napoleon_went_to_mount_olive/
%
You know it's cold outside...

When you see a politician with their hands in their own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ddxjf/you_know_its_cold_outside/
%
A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
The boy explains, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?"
"No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I said" replied the boy.
a repost, but I liked it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ddw8t/a_young_boy_says_to_his_father_dad_our_math/
%
How does a lawyer from Panama play his guitar?

He shreds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ddu4f/how_does_a_lawyer_from_panama_play_his_guitar/
%
Hey girl, I've got a sex-Ed project due tomorrow...

And I need a 69 to pass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ddqzr/hey_girl_ive_got_a_sexed_project_due_tomorrow/
%
What do African Postmen deliver?

Blackmail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ddnex/what_do_african_postmen_deliver/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ddmp9/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80_years/
%
Did you hear what NASA said about the asteroid? [OC]

"No comet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ddks4/did_you_hear_what_nasa_said_about_the_asteroid_oc/
%
I tried to catch fog once...

I mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ddk7x/i_tried_to_catch_fog_once/
%
How many redditors does it take to send a letter?

Three. One to post it, and two to repost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ddhlr/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_send_a_letter/
%
"Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"

*Hitler rubs chin*
So mine less.
[GRAMMAR NAZI BUSTS IN]
"MINE FEWER."
[Hitler looks up] Yes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ddfkb/sir_we_are_mining_too_many_useless_ores/
%
I tried cocaine once

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dddbv/i_tried_cocaine_once/
%
Sherlock and Watson take a vacation

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ddb0v/sherlock_and_watson_take_a_vacation/
%
What do you call a group of pigs?

A precinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ddaty/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_pigs/
%
[RE-POST]A driver is pulled over by a policeman

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dd9dd/reposta_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_policeman/
%
Honey, I'm pregnant..

Hi Pregnant, I'm dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dcxxl/honey_im_pregnant/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dcwy2/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
%
Welcome to Skagway where the population always remains the same.

Every time a child is born, a man leaves town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dctz3/welcome_to_skagway_where_the_population_always/
%
Police Officer: How high are you?

Drug addict: No officer, it's Hi how are you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dcqnn/police_officer_how_high_are_you/
%
I couldn't believe it when my wife said she was leaving me because I'm obsessed with The Monkees...

Then I saw her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dcj44/i_couldnt_believe_it_when_my_wife_said_she_was/
%
I asked ny blind friend to read braille for me

I guess every lego spells out "fuck you dude".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dchlz/i_asked_ny_blind_friend_to_read_braille_for_me/
%
I was so close to a threesome last night...

I was only missing 2 people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dcfwb/i_was_so_close_to_a_threesome_last_night/
%
How can you tell when a politician is lying?

When their lips move

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dccec/how_can_you_tell_when_a_politician_is_lying/
%
God bless you son

5 year old son after reading story of a king.
Son:Mom, I also want 5 wives..one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......
Mom:....And one will put you to sleep
Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son
Mom: but who will sleep with your 5 wives
Son: Let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears...
God bless you son !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dcb8f/god_bless_you_son/
%
So, these two Italian men get on a train...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dcabh/so_these_two_italian_men_get_on_a_train/
%
Watched a TV show about Stroke Survivors last night

Needless to say it was a bit one sided

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dc5qe/watched_a_tv_show_about_stroke_survivors_last/
%
Why did the bodybuilder buy a dictionary?

Because he wanted to get more definition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dc5ca/why_did_the_bodybuilder_buy_a_dictionary/
%
A Duck walks into a Bar

Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No, and if you keep asking, I'll nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dc4xl/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I failed my biology test today.

Apparently, "black guys" isn't the answer to the question "What is found in cells."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dc2zo/i_failed_my_biology_test_today/
%
An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.
So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.
"No! Those are for the funeral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dc2zi/an_elderly_man_was_on_his_deathbed/
%
A blind man walks into a bookstore with his seeing eye dog...

He picks the dog by the tail and starts swinging him around.
A clerk sees this and asks,"Sir may I help you?"
"No thanks, we're just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dbzxj/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bookstore_with_his/
%
I wanted to tell a Lord of the Rings joke....

but all the good ones Aragorn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dbx5d/i_wanted_to_tell_a_lord_of_the_rings_joke/
%
An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

her mom says "A WHAT"?!!   The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dbwpx/an_irish_girl_tells_her_mom_she_decided_to_be_a/
%
How to tell the difference between Jews, Baptists, and Protestants

Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the Church
-
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah
-
Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dbvdr/how_to_tell_the_difference_between_jews_baptists/
%
David Cameron: Tax evasion is morally wrong, I leaned that from my father.

The tax evasion bit, not the morally wrong bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dbs29/david_cameron_tax_evasion_is_morally_wrong_i/
%
What's the difference between a punchline and a cute girl?

Sometimes I get the punchline :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dbpxl/whats_the_difference_between_a_punchline_and_a/
%
Why is the government encouraging more American made vibrators?

They want to increase their gross domestic products.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dbp1x/why_is_the_government_encouraging_more_american/
%
How to kill your wife without consequences.

Hah. Made you look.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dbmye/how_to_kill_your_wife_without_consequences/
%
NPR recently started a heavy metal band.

'All Things Dismembered'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dbgn7/npr_recently_started_a_heavy_metal_band/
%
How many Super Sayains does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dbg0z/how_many_super_sayains_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I found out my girlfriend was good at deep throating so I broke up with her...

I don't like wasting talent
Edit 2: [Tim's post](https://www.reddit.com/r/standupshots/comments/47j8dg/god_bless_us_every_one/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dbezv/i_found_out_my_girlfriend_was_good_at_deep/
%
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in a forest

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" "No" replies the rabbit. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dbcor/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_taking_a_shit_in_a_forest/
%
What would you call a Mexican that lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dbbqd/what_would_you_call_a_mexican_that_lost_his_car/
%
I once accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book.

It was embarrassing and cost a fortune in stamps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4db80q/i_once_accidentally_sent_a_dick_pic_to_everyone/
%
A boy asks his dad for a drink of water...

After being put to bed a boy calls to his father from his room, "Dad, will you bring me a glass of water?"
The father was already in bed himself so he answered that the boy would be fine and he should go back to bed.
There was about a 5 minute pause and then the boy called out again asking for water.
The father replied in the same way.
After another 5 min the boy called out again with the same request.
The father, getting annoyed, replied back, " No, you're fine. Go to sleep and if you ask again I'm going to come in there and spank you."
There was about a 10 minute pause this time before the boy called out again, "Dad, when you come in here to spank me will you bring me a glass of water?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4db5bt/a_boy_asks_his_dad_for_a_drink_of_water/
%
If April showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring?

Smallpox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dawd7/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do/
%
There are only 10 sorts of people in the world

— those who understand binary and those who don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4davg5/there_are_only_10_sorts_of_people_in_the_world/
%
So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dapdb/so_my_friend_had_some_issue_with_his_hearing/
%
I have more memory of my conception than I do of last Saturday night...

though sometimes I really wish my parents hadn't done porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4daojt/i_have_more_memory_of_my_conception_than_i_do_of/
%
My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana
joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As
I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you
shouldn't stand so close to the door"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dajhw/my_5_year_olds_painful_twist_on_a_knock_knock_joke/
%
Jesus on the cross..

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.
He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods children.
He saw Jerusalem in all its glory.
But his eyes finally fell on his good friend and disciple Peter.
"Peteeer", he called through painful breaths, "Peeteerr".
Peter, the must loyal of all Jesus's follows, jumped in shock. He began to run toward Jesus.
"Yes my lord?", Peter replied.
But as soon as he began to get close the Romans roared "NO!", and viciously chopped off poor Peters Legs.
Peter, wallowing in pain, heard his messiah call him again, "Peeetteeer...peeter", growing more faint with each call.
So once again Peter tried, crawling with his arms...pulling as hard as he could.
Suddenly, more sharp Roman swords fell upon him. They took his arms this time, leaving him limbless. But as he lay there, face down in the mud, Peter heard the Son of God once more, "Peeteer".
So Peter rolled this time with all his might, reaching the bottom of the cross. "Yes my lord, Yes, Yes", he screamed with anticipation, "how can I serve you?"
And in his fading breaths, whimpering and quiet, Jesus replied
"Peeter...Peter...I..I can see your house from here!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4daih9/jesus_on_the_cross/
%
3 things happened to me today

1. I woke up
2. I met a hot girl
3. I kissed a hot girl
But it happened in this order,
1. I met a hot girl
2. I kissed a hot girl
3. I woke up﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dafp5/3_things_happened_to_me_today/
%
Why can't Caitlyn Jenner's kids ever find her?

Because she's Transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4daela/why_cant_caitlyn_jenners_kids_ever_find_her/
%
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colour?

It had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dae4p/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_that_couldnt/
%
I hope college lives up to the hype

All my notebooks say "college ruled" so it must've been somewhat fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4daben/i_hope_college_lives_up_to_the_hype/
%
I was in a near-sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4daa7d/i_was_in_a_nearsex_experience/
%
What does the handyman who has no legs wear on his head?

The handycap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4da8xa/what_does_the_handyman_who_has_no_legs_wear_on/
%
Why don't sharks bite lawyers?

Professional Courtesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4da5g0/why_dont_sharks_bite_lawyers/
%
Russian political joke from time of the Russian Empire

A man in the street shouts: "Nicholas is a moron!" (Nicholas is a common Russian given name, it's also the name of two Russian emperors). He is naturally arrested by the police and charged with insulting the emperor. He tells the officer: "I meant another Nicholas". The officer answers: Do no be silly. If you said 'moron', you obviously meant our Emperor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4da3z6/russian_political_joke_from_time_of_the_russian/
%
What does a British guy say when he beats an Eastern European at chess?

Czechmate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d9xiw/what_does_a_british_guy_say_when_he_beats_an/
%
What do you call a booth babe at Apple's events?

ICandy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d9u5m/what_do_you_call_a_booth_babe_at_apples_events/
%
I found my first grey pubic hair today.

However, i didn't freak out about it like the other people in the elevator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d9rpr/i_found_my_first_grey_pubic_hair_today/
%
What did they gay necrophiliac say about his ex-lover?

"That rotten asshole split on me again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d9o80/what_did_they_gay_necrophiliac_say_about_his/
%
People tell me soup is better with flavor cubes.

But I don't put a lot of stock in that.
Because of it, though, I was the victim of a lot of boullion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d9il9/people_tell_me_soup_is_better_with_flavor_cubes/
%
What do you call it when Al Capone goes camping?

Criminal intent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d9e17/what_do_you_call_it_when_al_capone_goes_camping/
%
What do Mexicans cut their pizza with?

Little Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d98rr/what_do_mexicans_cut_their_pizza_with/
%
A man is on a plane...

A man is on a plane when the pilot announces that the plane will be cruising at 35000 feet but forgets to turn the mic off. He turns to the co-pilot and says
"You know I could really go for a blowjob and a cup of coffee."
One of the stewardess's comes rushing up up to the cabin to tell the pilot to turn the mic off when a passenger yells;
"Hey honey, don't forget the coffee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d96us/a_man_is_on_a_plane/
%
Wartime meeting

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking mustachioed piece of shit." It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a good servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. To which Stalin replies, "get him back here."
Two minutes later, Zhukov is back in the room facing Stalin.
"Comrade Zhukov," begins Stalin, "would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?"
"I said 'fucking mustachioed piece of shit' Comrade Stalin."
"And who were you talking about?
"I was talking about Hitler, Comrade Stalin."
Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev,
"And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did *you* have in mind?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d96la/wartime_meeting/
%
Jimmy's First Cow

One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.
He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.
His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d960q/jimmys_first_cow/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can't, cause they can't change anything.
(Just told to me by my 12 year old son.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d94m2/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Do infants enjoy infantry...

as much as adults enjoy adultery?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d94cv/do_infants_enjoy_infantry/
%
What did the glass of water say to his son who is obsessed with becoming ice?

It's just a phase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d930n/what_did_the_glass_of_water_say_to_his_son_who_is/
%
What alternative energy does Trump propose?

White power

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d918r/what_alternative_energy_does_trump_propose/
%
What do you call a black man that summons the dead?

A Nergomancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d8zis/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_that_summons_the_dead/
%
What is a clowns fart made of?

Laughing gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d8wsa/what_is_a_clowns_fart_made_of/
%
I was going to tell a Periodic table joke...

...But they all Argon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d8wl6/i_was_going_to_tell_a_periodic_table_joke/
%
If "you are what you eat"

Why is cannibalism considered to be inhuman?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d8w6e/if_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
The Holocaust Wasn't That Bad

"The holocaust wasn't that bad."
"Of course it was!"
"I'm going to go out and kill a million Jews and one clown."
"Why the clown?"
"See, no one cares about the Jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d8v3e/the_holocaust_wasnt_that_bad/
%
Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church.

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: "I still wonder if that offer is serious." the other replies condescendingly: "Ah you Jews, all you think about is money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d8ukx/two_jewish_friends_pass_a_catholic_church/
%
I used to piss myself when I stood in front of my 3rd grade class.

It costed me my teaching career...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d8uad/i_used_to_piss_myself_when_i_stood_in_front_of_my/
%
Double leg amputees are the worst...

...I can't stand them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d8trv/double_leg_amputees_are_the_worst/
%
Did you hear about how they spotted a Nazi in the sea?

It's okay, it's just adolfin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d8qzr/did_you_hear_about_how_they_spotted_a_nazi_in_the/
%
"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"

-New York's most hated cab driver
Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d8qf2/i_always_try_to_go_the_extra_mile_for_my_customers/
%
I'm trying to find a job cleaning mirrors

It's something I could really see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d8j5t/im_trying_to_find_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
%
Sexist-dirty: Little boy asks dad about the "C" word. Dad brings boy to where mom is naked, passed out drunk on bed, and points to her private area....

"Son,  see that?  That's a *vagina*"
Dad then waves his hand over mom's body and says: "See the rest? THAT'S a Cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d8g9n/sexistdirty_little_boy_asks_dad_about_the_c_word/
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How do you keep your Baptist friend from drinking all your beer on the fishing trip

You bring a second baptist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d8ayx/how_do_you_keep_your_baptist_friend_from_drinking/
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How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?

A buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d87xx/how_much_does_it_cost_a_pirate_to_get_his_ear/
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A man is sitting in a bar...

A man is sitting in a bar when a gorgeous woman in a stunning pink dress walks in. He offers to buy her a drink and she says yes. She sits down next to her and he gets her a beer, and they begin talking.
After about an hour of conversation, the man notices that the woman is wearing a small pin that says "WWK" on it. He is curious, so he asks her what the pin is for.
"Oh, this? I just got back from a seminar for the Women Who Know," she replies. "It's all about self discovery and femininity. We discuss things like feminism, sexuality, and self-empowerment. This month is all about our romantic and sexual interests, and today we discussed what we look for in a partner."
"What did you find out?" asked the man, to which the woman replied, "Well, I found that I am attracted to a man with the strength of an Indian and the sensitivity of a Jew"
The man said, "That's really fascinating. You know, I'm a little embarrassed because we've been talking for an hour now and I haven't even formally introduced myself. Hi, I'm Tonto Silverstein."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d81p8/a_man_is_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
Why did the ram run off the cliff?

He didn't see the ewe turn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d80gf/why_did_the_ram_run_off_the_cliff/
%
I get my guns from a guy named T-Rex...

He's a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d802p/i_get_my_guns_from_a_guy_named_trex/
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How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d7zyz/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
I Like Long Walks on the Beach

until the LSD wears off and it turns out I'm dragging a mannequin around a Wendy's parking lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d7zes/i_like_long_walks_on_the_beach/
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Death is coming to take a lawyer away

The lawyer is weeping, "why now? I am only fourty!"
Death replies, "not according to the hours you billed your clients".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d7scc/death_is_coming_to_take_a_lawyer_away/
%
[nsfw] I knew a girl who had a miscarriage while taking a shower

It was the worst baby shower ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d7plw/nsfw_i_knew_a_girl_who_had_a_miscarriage_while/
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I tried to learn to rotate my penis through telepathy

But then I realised it was a total dick move

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d7nic/i_tried_to_learn_to_rotate_my_penis_through/
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d7kds/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_a_piano_down_a_mine/
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What is Romeo and Juliets least favorite fruit?

Cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d7jy1/what_is_romeo_and_juliets_least_favorite_fruit/
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Two rabbits were chased by hounds

They ran until they couldn't run anymore. Holed up in a hollow log, the rabbits were safely out of reach while the hounds bayed outside.
The boy rabbit looked at the girl rabbit and asked, "What do we do now?"
"We stay here until we outnumber them."
- Woody Guthrie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d7fb4/two_rabbits_were_chased_by_hounds/
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Did you hear the library at the University of Alabama burned down this morning?

All three books were destroyed.
One of them wasn't even colored in yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d7et6/did_you_hear_the_library_at_the_university_of/
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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton get in a car wreck, who survives?

America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d76mq/donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton_get_in_a_car/
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I threw away my vacuumer today

It was just collecting dust..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d76cp/i_threw_away_my_vacuumer_today/
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What do you call it when you do papercrafts with seaweed?

Norigami.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d74jc/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_do_papercrafts_with/
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There's this hot girl in my college writing class.

Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d731b/theres_this_hot_girl_in_my_college_writing_class/
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I never date left handed women

Righty Tighty
Lefty Loosey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d72ux/i_never_date_left_handed_women/
%
What is the difference between rat poison and diet coke?

Diet coke has better advertising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d729i/what_is_the_difference_between_rat_poison_and/
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What did Beethoven do when he died?

Decompose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d70pg/what_did_beethoven_do_when_he_died/
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gross and not PC, but funny...

A guy walks into a brothel, and the madam greets him at the counter. He explains that he would like to have a go, but he is a little short on cash. The madam points to a very plain looking woman sitting in the parlor, and says "Well, that's Brenda. She will cost you $20." The guy explains that he really is very broke at the moment, and can't afford it. The madam looks him over, and points to a dirty looking woman passed out in the corner. "OK, that's Samantha, you can have her for $10". The guy explains that he is really very tight at the moment. The most he can pay is $5. The madam rolls her eyes, takes a deep breath, and says "Okay give me the five. Now, follow that hallway to the very end, and go in the door on the left. Kim will be waiting for you. Just don't expect too much." The guy hands over his money, and walks down the hallway. He open the door to a very dimly lit room, steps in, and closes the door. There, on the bed, is a beautiful woman laying nude with her eyes closed. He can't believe his luck, and gets right down to business. A few minutes later it's over. As he is getting dressed in the semi-darkness. He sees some white fluid dripping out of the corner of the woman's mouth. Looking closer, he realizes it is coming out of her nostrils too. He bursts out of the room shrieking, and sprints down the hallway. As he runs out the front door of the brothel. He hears the madam shout out "Hey! Charlie! The dead one is full again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6yyp/gross_and_not_pc_but_funny/
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A blonde was lying in the grass...

One afternoon, a college student is walking across the Green and sees a pretty blonde lying in the grass staring up at the clear blue sky.
"Getting a tan?" he asks.
"No! Do you think that just because I'm blonde I'm focussing on my looks? I'm actually a very good student and right now I'm getting a head start on my homework!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. What class is it for?"
"Astronomy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6xvz/a_blonde_was_lying_in_the_grass/
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Why are men sexier than women?

Because you can't spell sexy without xy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6wzo/why_are_men_sexier_than_women/
%
What does Salvador Dali eat for breakfast?

Surreal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6vys/what_does_salvador_dali_eat_for_breakfast/
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

"Go fuck yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6vdw/how_many_new_yorkers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What do you call a cute girl in Albania?

A tourist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6ukd/what_do_you_call_a_cute_girl_in_albania/
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I eat bits of metal all day...

It's my staple diet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6snq/i_eat_bits_of_metal_all_day/
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How can you tell when Clinton is lying?

Her lips are moving.
Yeah, it's an old joke but then again, so is she.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6rm2/how_can_you_tell_when_clinton_is_lying/
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Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6ow3/alabama_changed_the_drinking_age_to_34/
%
I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans

But when I asked if anyone had papers, they all ran off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6j40/i_was_going_to_smoke_a_joint_with_some_mexicans/
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.

I said " son thats 3 schools this year, maybe teaching isn't for you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6gxz/my_son_was_thrown_out_of_school_today_for_letting/
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The doctor said I have Type A blood

But it was a Type O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6gtg/the_doctor_said_i_have_type_a_blood/
%
Why is it so easy to fool a vampire?

Because they're a bunch of suckers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6g31/why_is_it_so_easy_to_fool_a_vampire/
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Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me,"

the answer to that is, "That's the point."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6bln/whenever_your_ex_says_youll_never_find_someone/
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[LONG][STORY][NSFW] The King's Daughter's Guards

In a land that is far from here, but not so far from there, in an ancient time that is not so long ago, there lived a king.
Now, this king had a daughter, the most beautiful young woman in the entire world. As she grew to the age when suitors started appearing, the king grew paranoid that she would be whisked away by some secret lover in the dead of night, never to be seen again.
To stop this happening, the king stationed three guards outside her door every night to watch over her.
However, he began to grow suspicious of the guards themselves, thinking that they were sleeping with his darling girl. He was correct - every night, the guards would go in to the princess's chamber one by one, have crazy, vigourous sex with her and then leave to allow the next guard in.
The king came up with a failsafe plan to catch the guards. One night, he slipped his daughter a temporary sleeping pill at dinner and put her to bed, soundly asleep. As he was tucking her in, he placed ground glass shards inside and around her vagina, hidden from view. He then left, stationed the guards outside her door, and went to bed.
As soon as they were sure it was safe, the first guard went inside the room, and a few moments later the two guards outside heard an agonised scream from inside. The guard came stumbling out crutching his crotch. Too proud to admit what had happened, and not wanting to be the only one, he told the other two that he'd never had better sex, that it was absolutely incredible tonight.
The second guard rubbbed his hands in excitement and went in. The same thing happened. A few moments later, he let out a muffled, agonised scream and came running out of the room, also holding his crotch. As the first guard, he was too proud to admit what had happened, so he told the third guard (who by now was super excited) that she was feeling super freaky tonight and it was an incredible experience.
The third guard ran in, and the other two stayed outside, waiting for the scream, but there was nothing. Just absolute silence.
The next morning, the king called all three guards to his throne room. He asked the first guard to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was covered with glass, blood, completely shredded. The king smiled, and ordered his head be cut off.
Then the king called up the second guard, and told him to drop his pants. The same thing happened - but worse. His penis was actually fully split down the middle, covered in shards of glass and blood. The king smiled, and ordered his head be cut off.
Finally, the king turned to the third guard, and told him to drop his pants. Fully expecting to see another mangled penis, the king was taken aback when he saw a perfectly intact specimen of a penis, gloriously free of blood and glass. Furiously, the king screamed "HOW DID YOU MANAGE THIS?! WHAT DID YOU DO!?"
The guard just looked mornfully at him, and replied "Mmmff mfffmmff mmfff..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6b5n/longstorynsfw_the_kings_daughters_guards/
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I decided to freeze myself at -273.15 degrees Celsius

My  friends think I'm crazy, but I think I'll be 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d68kk/i_decided_to_freeze_myself_at_27315_degrees/
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During the crusades a man entrusts his friend with the key to his daughter's chastity belt when he is away...

The man entrusted with the key replies with 'Ah yes sir you can count on me'
The father rides onwards and 30 minutes on into his journey his friend speeds to his company on horseback, and shouts at him 'Sir! You left the wrong key!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d64pt/during_the_crusades_a_man_entrusts_his_friend/
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What's the difference between r/politics and r/sandersforpresident?

The url.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d61w9/whats_the_difference_between_rpolitics_and/
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[NSFW] All of Paris

A young accountant took a business trip to Paris. On the advise of his mates, he spent his first evening in a seedier part of town.
He lurked around and was about to leave when he was approached.
"Want a handjob?" the suggestively dressed stranger whispered into his ear.
"How much?" the accountant asked.
"100 euros."
The accountant was stunned and the look of shock registered with the street-worker.
"See that hotel? It's mine, I bought it with money from giving hand jobs. Want to take a look inside?"
The hotel was impressive and the accountant couldn't say no.
The hand job was spectacular. He erupted and lit a cigarette; he had never smoked before. They stood at the open window smoking when curiosity got the better of the young man.
"How much for a blow job?"
"500 euros."
"That's absurd. No way."
"Look out the window. See all the nice buildings on this street? I bought them with money from blowjobs."
The accountant did the math. The blowjob was truly out of this world. It was several minutes before he could muster the energy to ask:
"How much for sex?"
"Let's go up to the roof."
The prostitute said, "Take a look around you."
The man didn't believe it, "You can't possibly own Paris."
"I would if I had a vagina."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d60pv/nsfw_all_of_paris/
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I haven't slept for ten days

because that would be too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5zkh/i_havent_slept_for_ten_days/
%
I really like passive aggressive people

I'm not at all bothered by the fact they are giant cunts one and all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5zgj/i_really_like_passive_aggressive_people/
%
Did you hear about the mexican train killer?

He had locomotives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5z5u/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_killer/
%
I like going to the park and watching the children run around...

...because they don't know I'm using blanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5yhv/i_like_going_to_the_park_and_watching_the/
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After committing very heinous crimes, three men are sentenced to 20 years of solitary confinement.

However, they are allowed to have *one* form of luxury for their sentence.
The first man requests a large stack of legal textbooks for his cell. The second man asks for a large stack of medical textbooks. The third man, on the other hand, requests 200 packs of cigarettes.
20 years have passed, and the three men are each released. The first man looks very pleased with himself and says to the wardens, "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a *lawyer*!"
The second man looks equally proud. "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a *doctor*," he remarks.
The third man shuffles out of his cell, looking extremely disgruntled. With a very annoyed tone, he says "Does anyone have a match?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5s9r/after_committing_very_heinous_crimes_three_men/
%
Nazi Grandfather

As a German I occasionally have to put up with some Nazi crap. That is normally the time when I tell them that my grandfather died in a concentration camp. After receiving that information the person making the Nazi remarks generally becomes very quiet and seems rather embarrassed. That is until I elucidate and inform them that he was rather drunk and fell off the watchtower...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5s2v/nazi_grandfather/
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What do you call a strong woman with a successful career and family life?

A human being you fucking sexist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5r7v/what_do_you_call_a_strong_woman_with_a_successful/
%
Why did Barty Crouch Jr. stop drinking?

It was making him Moody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5o71/why_did_barty_crouch_jr_stop_drinking/
%
What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Michael Phelps could finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5nkd/what_is_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
%
If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up

They would be alloys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5nek/if_iron_man_and_silver_surfer_teamed_up/
%
People need to stop saying trump is a white supremacist,

Hes an orange supremacist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5ndi/people_need_to_stop_saying_trump_is_a_white/
%
My friend David lost his ID the other day

Now we just call him dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5ksr/my_friend_david_lost_his_id_the_other_day/
%
I wanted to get into the right mood for my essay about american patriotism..

so i shouted at my essay "You Essay", "You Essay", "YOU ESSAY"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5k30/i_wanted_to_get_into_the_right_mood_for_my_essay/
%
What is a porn star's favorite allergy medicine? (NSFW?)

Bend'n'dryl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5bug/what_is_a_porn_stars_favorite_allergy_medicine/
%
Black guy and a white girl hook up.

A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5bmr/black_guy_and_a_white_girl_hook_up/
%
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothin, you've already told her twice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d5b12/what_do_you_tell_a_woman_with_two_black_eyes/
%
I know there's something wrong with my braille book...

but I can't quite put my finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d55t7/i_know_theres_something_wrong_with_my_braille_book/
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The Best Tequila Ever!

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle
laying in the street.
Suddenly, out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me piss tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it.
He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it.
He tells her to drink, it is tequila.? Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.
The two drink and party all night. The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife,
"Consuelo grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him,
"But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass and says,
"Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d53zb/the_best_tequila_ever/
%
What do you call a mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d4zy4/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
If you drop your phone in water, put it in a bowl of rice.

At night the Asians will come and fix it for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d4yvz/if_you_drop_your_phone_in_water_put_it_in_a_bowl/
%
What do you call a deer without an eye?

No idear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d4xfl/what_do_you_call_a_deer_without_an_eye/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

He woke up due to the noise he made snoring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d4vs0/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
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What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek?

A golden opportunity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d4t9o/what_do_you_call_a_mosquito_sitting_on_your_wifes/
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The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost.  Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her!  Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote.  In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the poor creature.  Shocked beyond words, the woman went around the man as quickly as possibly and drove on.
Speeding toward some lights in the distance, she discovered a bar with a sheriffs  car parked outside.
"It figures", she thought, and resolved to go inside and file a complaint.  On a rocking chair near the door, an old man was sitting and masturbating openly.  Horrified, she stomped into the bar and straight away went up to the sheriff, who was sitting at the bar.  She shouted at the sheriff:
"What sort of town are you running here?!  You've got people running around the desert fucking coyotes, and- and just outside there was an old man masturbating openly!  How can you explain this?!"
The sheriff sipped his beer and said, "Ah well, you can't expect him to catch a coyote at his age"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d4pq2/the_worst_joke_i_can_remember_nsfw_warning_this/
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Who is this Rorschach guy....

... and why does he paint all these pictures of my parents fighting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d4ojf/who_is_this_rorschach_guy/
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I hear it only takes 3.5 inches to make a girl happy.

It doesn't even matter if it's Visa, MasterCard, or Discover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d4mkk/i_hear_it_only_takes_35_inches_to_make_a_girl/
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Why does Jesus suck at Call of Duty?

Because it takes him 3 days to respawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d4l1f/why_does_jesus_suck_at_call_of_duty/
%
Why did Constantinople fall?

Itstumbled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d4a7s/why_did_constantinople_fall/
%
Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?

Strippers don't rig their polls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d49kw/whats_the_difference_between_the_government_and_a/
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Proud Jamaican father

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d48dp/proud_jamaican_father/
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What's the difference between a Priest and Acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d46v3/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
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I like my coffee like I like my women

Without a penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d4379/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
What did the hat say to the scarf?

You hang around here while I go on ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d4306/what_did_the_hat_say_to_the_scarf/
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Why did the console gamer cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d3x1l/why_did_the_console_gamer_cross_the_road/
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What's the most popular Russian streaming service?

Nyetflix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d3t3r/whats_the_most_popular_russian_streaming_service/
%
A man is at a pub with his mates until it's starts getting late in the day.

When he notices the time he lets everyone know that he has to head home because it's getting late. They all urge him to stay. "Come on, mate. It's not even that late." He then says, "no. I have to leave. If I don't come home before nine my wife will hit me."
His buddies start laughing and ask him, "what kind of man are you? Do you really let your wife hit you?"
He then says, "of course I don't let her hit me; I always come home on time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d3r0b/a_man_is_at_a_pub_with_his_mates_until_its_starts/
%
How did the Hipster burn his tongue?

He drank coffee before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d3p9y/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
Thanks, student loans, for getting me through school

I don't think I could ever repay you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d3mzy/thanks_student_loans_for_getting_me_through_school/
%
A long series of jokes

503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
_502._
How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
_Open door, put elephant in, close door._
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
_Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door._
The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
_The giraffe. He's in a fridge._
Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
_The gators are at the party._
Sally dies anyway. Why?
_She got hit in the head by a flying brick._
---
**EDIT:** Dang, over 300 points? That's pretty surprising!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d3873/a_long_series_of_jokes/
%
What is a Polish person's favorite weapon?

A Warsaw...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d37ov/what_is_a_polish_persons_favorite_weapon/
%
Heard about the statistician who liked to kick back with his feet in the oven and his head on a bucket of ice?

On the average, he was quite comfortable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d33m8/heard_about_the_statistician_who_liked_to_kick/
%
I Bought Some Shoes From a Drug Dealer

I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d33dz/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
I should have been a psychic

I hear they make a fortune.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d31s8/i_should_have_been_a_psychic/
%
My drug dealer is so funny

Always cracks me up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d318z/my_drug_dealer_is_so_funny/
%
What is the Rebel Alliance' least favorite month?

The Imperial March.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d2yny/what_is_the_rebel_alliance_least_favorite_month/
%
Do you know why God invented yeast infections?

So women could know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d2tzi/do_you_know_why_god_invented_yeast_infections/
%
What did the duck say when he bought the chap-stick?

Put it on my bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d2teu/what_did_the_duck_say_when_he_bought_the_chapstick/
%
My wife is just like pi.

Irrational and impossible to fully understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d2sd7/my_wife_is_just_like_pi/
%
I was chatting with this cute 14 y/o online

She said she was an undercover police officer. How cool for someone her age!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d2o9s/i_was_chatting_with_this_cute_14_yo_online/
%
Why do accountants make the best serial killers?

Because they're calculating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d2mxl/why_do_accountants_make_the_best_serial_killers/
%
Female compassion.

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have
four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...
..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d2jjj/female_compassion/
%
If April showers bring May flowers, what do mayflowers bring?

Genocide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d2j6y/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do/
%
Why are gay men so well dressed?

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d2gw9/why_are_gay_men_so_well_dressed/
%
What's the most popular religion for addicts?

the Crystal Methodists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d2gu7/whats_the_most_popular_religion_for_addicts/
%
How do you make a neato burrito?

With cool beans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d2dgz/how_do_you_make_a_neato_burrito/
%
I called German UPS to ask them when they would ship my Rift..

They said, "VR ready."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d2b2b/i_called_german_ups_to_ask_them_when_they_would/
%
Humour is what separates us from the animals.

And the feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d2a08/humour_is_what_separates_us_from_the_animals/
%
I like my bourbon the way the Chinese like their women...

11 years old and mixed up with coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d29m5/i_like_my_bourbon_the_way_the_chinese_like_their/
%
Do you know the difference between 1 minute of oral and 1 minute of anal?

Well, do you have 2 minutes ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d28bd/do_you_know_the_difference_between_1_minute_of/
%
What do you do when you lose your Kia car?

You go Soul-searching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d2625/what_do_you_do_when_you_lose_your_kia_car/
%
My brother and I took our dog to go play on the frozen lake.

But then the ice broke and my dog fell in. I jumped in to save him. Later, I came home and told my mom about how I saved our dog. She said I should've saved my brother instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d1xq3/my_brother_and_i_took_our_dog_to_go_play_on_the/
%
What's the difference between a pun and a dad joke?

A pun can make you groan, but a dad joke goes even father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d1swu/whats_the_difference_between_a_pun_and_a_dad_joke/
%
Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?

Because his whole life he's Ben Solo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d1nl0/why_does_kylo_ren_have_no_friends/
%
How much do all the bones in the human body weigh?

A Skele-Ton.  Thanks, I'll see my way out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d1dgl/how_much_do_all_the_bones_in_the_human_body_weigh/
%
There are 10 kinds of people in this world.

Those who understand binary
Those who don't
And those who weren't expecting a base-3 joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d1ce9/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
%
When they came out

Fanny packs were the new hip thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d17a4/when_they_came_out/
%
Did you hear about the meteorologist competition?

The losers got precipitation trophies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d16i7/did_you_hear_about_the_meteorologist_competition/
%
What do you call an imaginary color?

A pigment of your imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d135o/what_do_you_call_an_imaginary_color/
%
Don't die a virgin.

Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d11zv/dont_die_a_virgin/
%
I was so upset - I lost the spelling bee when I couldn't spell "Armageddon"

But my friend said "don't worry, it's not the end if the world!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d10sh/i_was_so_upset_i_lost_the_spelling_bee_when_i/
%
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

So the bear says to the rabbit: "do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says no.
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d0xk4/a_bear_and_a_rabbit_are_taking_a_shit_in_the_woods/
%
Bought a receiver for 99.75 $ yesterday

Got a quarter back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d0vp3/bought_a_receiver_for_9975_yesterday/
%
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon

: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d0p40/a_preacher_was_completing_a_temperance_sermon/
%
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class

The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d0ixi/a_man_and_a_woman_are_riding_next_to_each_other/
%
I'm making a list of reasons to move to Switzerland

The flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d0cii/im_making_a_list_of_reasons_to_move_to_switzerland/
%
Analogies are like masturbation

I'm finishing both right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d041p/analogies_are_like_masturbation/
%
Did you hear about the man with five penises?

His condom fits like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d00w9/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_five_penises/
%
Sometimes it seems like I'm married to my own liver

I only abuse it when I'm drinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cznbv/sometimes_it_seems_like_im_married_to_my_own_liver/
%
I was awakened with a blowjob today

I need to start sleeping with my mouth closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4czciy/i_was_awakened_with_a_blowjob_today/
%
How many antisocial guys does it take to change a flat tire?

Fuck you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4czaps/how_many_antisocial_guys_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Tofu is really overrated

It's just a curd to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cz81s/tofu_is_really_overrated/
%
How many feminists does it take to make a sandwich?

12
One to make the sandwich,
One to excoriate men for creating hunger,
One to blame men for inventing such a laborious recipe,
One to suggest the whole "putting meat in between two non-consenting flaps of bread" bit to be too "rape-like",
One to deconstruct the Bologna sausage itself as being phallic,
One to blame men for not making the sandwich,
One to blame men for trying to make the sandwich instead of letting a woman do it,
One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from eating,
One to blame men for creating a society where women make too many sandwiches,
One to advocate that sandwich makers should have wage parity with Michelin star chefs,
One to alert the media that women are now "out-sandwiching" men,
And one to take pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cz4db/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_make_a_sandwich/
%
The hardest part about online dating...

Finding someone who clicks with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cz3j9/the_hardest_part_about_online_dating/
%
Why are soldiers always so tired on April 1st?

Because they have just finished a 31 day March.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cyzhh/why_are_soldiers_always_so_tired_on_april_1st/
%
when it's april 2nd

and she still pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cywwq/when_its_april_2nd/
%
What is the most confusing holiday in Harlem?

Father's Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cywl0/what_is_the_most_confusing_holiday_in_harlem/
%
Where do you find a five year old with no legs?

Exactly where you left him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cyvf5/where_do_you_find_a_five_year_old_with_no_legs/
%
How many Feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Feminists can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cyq71/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I used to miss Mitch Hedburg

I still do... But I used to, too.
RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cyq6b/i_used_to_miss_mitch_hedburg/
%
What do you call Trump riding the presidential plane?

Hair Force One

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cye0t/what_do_you_call_trump_riding_the_presidential/
%
My girlfriend got mad and said she need some time and distance as she left the house crying...

I still don't get it why she wants to calculate the velocity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cycav/my_girlfriend_got_mad_and_said_she_need_some_time/
%
A guy is having sex with his girlfriend and stops dead in his tracks.

"What are you doing?" she asks.
"I saw this in a porn once. It's called buffering."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cy9gh/a_guy_is_having_sex_with_his_girlfriend_and_stops/
%
Border collies are not very inbred...

You know what dogs *are* inbred?
Hotdogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cxtvx/border_collies_are_not_very_inbred/
%
"So my doctor just told me my DNA was backwards."

"And?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cxpzs/so_my_doctor_just_told_me_my_dna_was_backwards/
%
I can't believe I got fired from my job at the DNA testing facility.

After all the blood, sweat, and tears I put in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cxon8/i_cant_believe_i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_dna/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cxfzw/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
I lost 130 pounds in a year.

She left me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cx6yc/i_lost_130_pounds_in_a_year/
%
A QA tester walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Then he orders 0 beers.
Then he orders 999999999999 beers.
Then he orders a lizard.
Then he orders -1 beers.
Then he orders NULL beers
Then he orders asnwikfjsdf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cwrou/a_qa_tester_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and my dad?

Jesus promised to come back one day...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cwpgm/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_my_dad/
%
Why couldn't the headless horseman win the race?

He couldn't get a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cwf2g/why_couldnt_the_headless_horseman_win_the_race/
%
Why don't OSHA inspectors watch porn?

It's Not Safe For Work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cwdsx/why_dont_osha_inspectors_watch_porn/
%
A grandad remembers the good old days

When I was a boy, my mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I'd come back with 2 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a large chunk of cheese and 6 eggs.
You can't do that nowadays.
Too many fucking security cameras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cwciv/a_grandad_remembers_the_good_old_days/
%
How did they cure the swine flu?

With oinkment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cwaa6/how_did_they_cure_the_swine_flu/
%
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?

One.  It's a trick question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cw8zx/how_many_magicians_does_it_take_to_pull_a_rabbit/
%
I really hate pretzels

Some would even say I'm Anti-Anne's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cw8gf/i_really_hate_pretzels/
%
Pink Panther was looking for his friend's apartment.

He drives into a street and suddenly drives out.
It was a
Dead-end.
Dead-end.
Dead-end dead-end dead-end dead-end dead-ennnnd...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cw7zq/pink_panther_was_looking_for_his_friends_apartment/
%
A baby seal walks into a bar...

Bartender asks "What'll it be kid?"
Seal plops a five on the counter and says "Anything but a Canadian Club."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cw7dr/a_baby_seal_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I'm starting a therapeutic cooking class for Parkinson's Disease patients.

It's called "Shake & Bake".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cw6ad/im_starting_a_therapeutic_cooking_class_for/
%
Tom is hanging with John and John's monkey...

...and John asks "Do you want to see something cool?" and Tom says yes. John then smacks his monkey upside the head and the monkey starts sucking John off.
John asks Tom if he wants some of that and Tom says "Yea, just don't smack me upside the head too hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cw660/tom_is_hanging_with_john_and_johns_monkey/
%
You want to know what's the most unrealistic thing from Batman V superman? (not a spoiler)

A democratic senator from Kentucky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cw4ec/you_want_to_know_whats_the_most_unrealistic_thing/
%
What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common?

Always have to smell it, never get to eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cw234/what_do_a_pizza_delivery_boy_and_a_gynecologist/
%
What's Forest Gumps password?

1Forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cw0n2/whats_forest_gumps_password/
%
One of my favourite jokes

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.
"Really!" I exclaimed.
"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."
That'll teach her to try and be funny...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cw08r/one_of_my_favourite_jokes/
%
I try not to associate myself with bowlers

They're all a bunch of pinheads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cvpm9/i_try_not_to_associate_myself_with_bowlers/
%
What is Mr. T's favorite month?

April, fools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cvm0b/what_is_mr_ts_favorite_month/
%
I work at a coin factory.

It just makes cents to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cvb3o/i_work_at_a_coin_factory/
%
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff

Ba - Dumm - Tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cv95n/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_down_a_cliff/
%
What do you call a psychic midget wanted by the police?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cv4jb/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_midget_wanted_by_the/
%
I used to find window shopping depressing.....

then I visited Amsterdam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cv32v/i_used_to_find_window_shopping_depressing/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants.

One's a crusty bus station while the other's a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cv1rd/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cv10s/i_actually_heard_a_joke_the_other_day_about_an/
%
5 friends new to the business world asked a consultant of what to do with their money.

The consultant told them to buy a taxi as it is a good business and since they are 5 they can have it run for many hours and days.
The 5 friends bought a taxi and started the work. A month later they had really bad numbers. So they decided to go back to the consultant again.
They asked him: why are we not gaining money; is it the place we operate in? Is it the time?
The consultant asked them: how are you managing the taxi?
So one guy said: two in front and three at the back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cuphn/5_friends_new_to_the_business_world_asked_a/
%
Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.
No offense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cum8u/why_did_the_console_peasant_cross_the_road/
%
Mario

A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks,
"What's wrong my friend?"
He says "My partner left me for another man."
"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."
Mario takes the man to the window.
"You see those olive trees? I planted every single one. Dug the soil with my bare hands, tended them from seedling to bear the finest oil in the country. You think they call me Mario the gardener? No. Follow me."
He takes the young man out to the porch of the bar.
"Look out at that lake. You see those boats? I built every one with my bare hands. I chopped down the trees, cut the planks for every foot of ship and varnished every keel in that dock. Do you think they call me Mario the shipwright? No. Life can be cruel and unfair my friend."
As they stood there a couple of men from the village round a corner and immediately yell,
"Hey look, it's Mario the goat fucker!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cugh4/mario/
%
What do you call a chicken that's looking at a cabbage?

Chicken sees a salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cudpe/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_thats_looking_at_a/
%
My wife got mad at me for my long-term addiction to watching Bruce Willis movies.

I told her old habits die hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cud7p/my_wife_got_mad_at_me_for_my_longterm_addiction/
%
Black Betty walked into a butcher shop and asked for beef.

The butcher replied, "No Black Betty, Ham or Lamb?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cuacj/black_betty_walked_into_a_butcher_shop_and_asked/
%
Who are the fastest readers in the world?

New Yorkers,some of them go through 110 stories in 10 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cu3vm/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
%
Two Italian brothers are in a hospital room while one of them is dying

Giuseppe and Arnaldo are sitting in the hospital room that will be Arnaldo's last room to occupy. They're both grief stricken and unsure of what to do.
Giuseppe decides to make him an offer.
"Arnaldo, my brother... I live you very much. I want to fulfill your dying wish. Name one thing I can help you with, and it's-a as good as done"
Arnaldo mulls this over and retorts "I don't really know what to ask for... But I have always wanted to touch your wife's breast."
Giuseppe, in an angry outburst yells "I can't help you with that!"
"But Arnaldo, that is my wife! I couldn't possibly let you do that."
"It is the only request I can think of! What of I offered you $5000 to touch-a your wife's bazooms?" replied Arnaldo
"No, that is simply asking too much."
"Fine... How about $10,000 to touch your wife's breast?"
Giuseppe thinks about this, 10 grand is a lot of money
"It is still too much" he decides
Arnaldo decides to pull out all the stops
"I will give you $25,000, in cash, to touch your wife's breast!"
So Giuseppe brings in his beautiful wife, tits absolutely spilling out of her top. He talks her into filling his brothers dying wish to which she agrees.
She takes of her shirt and bra, leans over Arnaldo and let's him fool around.
Arnaldo is loving it, but after a bit he started looking upset and saying "I don't know... I don't knowwwww..."
About ten seconds into this odd respond, Giuseppe finally screams at his brother "Arnaldo! Why do you keep saying 'I don't know, I don't know'?!"
With which he replies "I don't know... I don't knowwwww.... I don't know where I'm going to get the money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cu0wn/two_italian_brothers_are_in_a_hospital_room_while/
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I just lost my virginity!!!!

April fools *sob*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ctutm/i_just_lost_my_virginity/
%
What is Batman's least favorite Sex Act?

The Pearl Necklace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cttpl/what_is_batmans_least_favorite_sex_act/
%
What's the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist?

An etymologist would know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cttdr/whats_the_difference_between_an_entomologist_and/
%
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom.

A pick pocket snatches watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ctq0y/whats_the_difference_between_a_pick_pocket_and_a/
%
What do women and saxophones have in common?

They both blow and make different noises when you finger them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ctlrs/what_do_women_and_saxophones_have_in_common/
%
Did I tell you about a very handsome man who got into a terrible car accident....?

The doctors saved his life, but he lost one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a sideways mouth".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Shut up cunt face!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cthn7/did_i_tell_you_about_a_very_handsome_man_who_got/
%
4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ctcs5/4_6_8_and_9_have_all_been_killed/
%
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ctaax/what_does_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
I was recently asked to be a part of a biological experiment. The researchers said they would mutate me with an extra chromosome and give me $10 000 for it.

I'm down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cta50/i_was_recently_asked_to_be_a_part_of_a_biological/
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An elderly Jewish woman

wins the lottery, $30 million after taxes. She goes to her Rabbi to discuss what to do with the money.
She first says, "I'd like to spend $10 million on myself and my family."
The Rabbi replies, "It would be good to enjoy your winnings, and family is important."
She then says she'd like to donate another $10 million to the synagogue and the charity they run, since the synagogue has always been there for her, she'd like to give back.
The Rabbi says they could always use the money.
Then she says "I'd like to spend the last $10 million on a ten-foot golden statue of Adolf Hitler."
Naturally the Rabbi is quite horrified. "Why would you want to memorialize such a monster?" he cries.
She rolls up her sleeve and responds, "He gave me the winning numbers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ct7zw/an_elderly_jewish_woman/
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How do you know if the wool in your socks came from New Zealand?

They've already got cum stains before you open the package.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4csrsp/how_do_you_know_if_the_wool_in_your_socks_came/
%
I plan to retire at 30.

The used tire business is just calling my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cso1p/i_plan_to_retire_at_30/
%
Dads are like boomerangs....

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4csixa/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cse1p/whats_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a/
%
Why did the chip chase the sauce?

To ketchup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4csdck/why_did_the_chip_chase_the_sauce/
%
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge door...

It said, "this is not working. I'm going to my mothers." I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cscqk/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_door/
%
Why did the farmer fire the DJ?

Because he kept on dropping beets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4csbzr/why_did_the_farmer_fire_the_dj/
%
A guy came to my bar the other day and told me "hey man I don't have much money, can you just give me your cheapest shot?"

. . I said "Yeah, your ugly and your mom dresses you funny".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4csbfy/a_guy_came_to_my_bar_the_other_day_and_told_me/
%
Why can't you see elephants hiding in trees?

...because they are hiding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cs7qx/why_cant_you_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
Why shouldn't you make abortion jokes?

It's always too soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cs49r/why_shouldnt_you_make_abortion_jokes/
%
Priest and a Rabbi

are walking down the street.  They pass a playground where a little boys playing.  The Priest says to the Rabbi, "Hey you want to screw that kid?" The Rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cs48j/priest_and_a_rabbi/
%
Why did the scarecrow get an award?

Because he was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cs3yy/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_an_award/
%
(Dirty) The cavalry were riding through the plains with their Native American guide.

The Indian gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground. He looks up at the captain and says " Buffalo come " . The captain is astounded and asks " Can you really hear buffalo from here? The Indian replies "NO, side of face all sticky!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cs206/dirty_the_cavalry_were_riding_through_the_plains/
%
What does a Muslim with allergies say?

Al-achoo Akbar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cs0l2/what_does_a_muslim_with_allergies_say/
%
Was The Little Mermaid directed by a pilot?

Because it's mostly Ariel footage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cryfo/was_the_little_mermaid_directed_by_a_pilot/
%
My wife gave me the silent treatment for a week...

It ended when I told her "We've been getting along really well lately".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4crtcf/my_wife_gave_me_the_silent_treatment_for_a_week/
%
What do you call a Unicorn with his horn cut off?

a Eunuch-horn! :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4crtc8/what_do_you_call_a_unicorn_with_his_horn_cut_off/
%
A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4crqnb/a_rednecks_father_passed_away_in_his_sleep/
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If girls didn't exist...

... then life would be a real pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4crmon/if_girls_didnt_exist/
%
Just learned the Finnish have a word "Kalsarikännit" which means getting drunk alone at home in underwear.

Signing immigration forms now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4crgb9/just_learned_the_finnish_have_a_word/
%
I went to a disco last night (variation)

The DJ said, "Sing with me". I sang with him.
The DJ said, "Put your hands together". I put my hands together while singing along.
The DJ said, "Come on everyone". I was thrown out of the Disco.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4crejz/i_went_to_a_disco_last_night_variation/
%
So this guy loses all his money in Vegas...

...& doesn't have cab fare to airport. He hails taxi anyway, explains situation & promises to send fare from home. He offers credit card #'s, drivers license #, his address, etc...
Cabbie: ''If you don't have 15 bucks, get the hell out of my cab loser!''
He ends up walking 5 miles to the airport & barely catches his flight.
A year later he returns to LV & this time wins big. Feeling great, he goes to the front of the casino to get a cab to the airport, & who does he see but the cabbie who refused to give him a ride when down on his luck.
He thinks for a moment & hits on a plan.
He gets into the first cab in the line: ''How much for a ride to the airport?"
''15 bucks."
'And how much if you give me a bj on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab ya freak.''
He proceeds to go down the long line of cabs, asking the same question, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he asks: ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
''15 bucks.''
''OK,'' as he jumps into front seat w/ a big smile & thumbs up for the other cabbies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4crb1a/so_this_guy_loses_all_his_money_in_vegas/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee...

Hot and all over my crotch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cr762/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Dogs can't operate MRI scanners.

But catscan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cr5kj/dogs_cant_operate_mri_scanners/
%
The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
(edited for multifariousness.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cr53w/the_sheer_nightgown/
%
The pilot and the Air Traffic Controller

Planes were waiting to take of at LAX. Been waiting for some time when a pilot radioed, "I'm fucking bored."
The tower immediately responded tersely with, "pilot who just made that comment, identify yourself."
After a few moments the tower heard, "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cr3wq/the_pilot_and_the_air_traffic_controller/
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I for one...

... love Roman numerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cr17m/i_for_one/
%
The most potent strain of marijuana has just been released to the public

reports say consumption has reached an all-time high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cquvh/the_most_potent_strain_of_marijuana_has_just_been/
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Why aren't there more jokes about Jim Jones?

I think it's because usually the punchline is too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cqpwz/why_arent_there_more_jokes_about_jim_jones/
%
Why do flower beds have mulch?

So you can't see their underplants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cqpg1/why_do_flower_beds_have_mulch/
%
If you listen to Nicki Minaj backwards, you'll hear the illuminati's plans

What's worse, if you listen to it forward, it's Nicki Minaj

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cqktc/if_you_listen_to_nicki_minaj_backwards_youll_hear/
%
What do rednecks do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cqid6/what_do_rednecks_do_on_halloween/
%
What was Monica Lewinsky's job at the White House?

Receiving heads of state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cqgu7/what_was_monica_lewinskys_job_at_the_white_house/
%
Give a man a jacket

and he can leave the house during Winter.
Teach a man to jack it and he'll never leave the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cqdi4/give_a_man_a_jacket/
%
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cqd50/push_harder_i_shouted_at_my_wife_while_she_was_in/
%
How can you tell if someone has Alzheimer's?

A. How can you tell if someone has Alzheimers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cq6wv/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_has_alzheimers/
%
What did one boob say to the other boob?

You're my breast friend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cq6ps/what_did_one_boob_say_to_the_other_boob/
%
A Real Gut-Buster

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cq4q3/a_real_gutbuster/
%
Did you hear about the Indian that drank 50 cups of Tea?

He drowned in his Tea Pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cq4ky/did_you_hear_about_the_indian_that_drank_50_cups/
%
My father's sister really isn't fond of jews...

We call her auntie-semitite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cq2y5/my_fathers_sister_really_isnt_fond_of_jews/
%
One older couple invites another older couple over for dinner.

After eating, the women go to the kitchen to do the dishes and the men retire to the living room for a brandy.
One of the men says to the other, “Did you do anything interesting today.”
Other one said, “Not a damn thing.”
“How about yesterday?”
“Nope. Nothing.”
“Did you go out for dinner last night?”
“Oh yeah, we did.”
“Where did you go?”
“Uhh...what’s the name of that popular flower that women are always getting? Not a carnation…”
“You mean a rose?”
Guy says, “That’s it” then shouts into the kitchen, “Rose, where did we go for dinner last night?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cq1er/one_older_couple_invites_another_older_couple/
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In Memory of Ronnie Corbett

Here's some of his best jokes
- A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.
- We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
- A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'
- After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cpyxz/in_memory_of_ronnie_corbett/
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Each comment thread is a joke, but each user may only post one word.

You may only comment one word, or reply with one word to another comment. Good luck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cpyhg/each_comment_thread_is_a_joke_but_each_user_may/
%
I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cpuv6/im_very_good_friends_with_25_letters_of_the/
%
A serial killer was killing his female victims by drowning them in pancake mix, then dipping them in hot oil. Some of his victims survived.

They're currently being treated at a battered women's shelter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cptoh/a_serial_killer_was_killing_his_female_victims_by/
%
A man was marooned on a desert island.

One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit.
'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink.
Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'
Ronnie Corbett (1930 - 2016)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cpmmp/a_man_was_marooned_on_a_desert_island/
%
How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Oh don't worry, they'll let you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cpiz0/how_many_vegans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
Communist hell

A man winds up in hell and is confronted with two doors.
There's a long queue in front of one , so he walks up to the other and asks the attendant what's behind it. This is capitalist hell, says the doorman proudly, when you enter here, you are plunged into boiling oil, then flayed, then skinned alive in the kitchens.
How about the other door? asked the man. Thats communist hell, scoffs the doorman, it's awful. There's no electricity to heat the oil, no fuel for the flaying machines and the kitchen staff just sit around all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cpgup/communist_hell/
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Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.
Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cpfjq/why_do_indians_hate_snow/
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Why didn't the Mexican go bow hunting?

Because he didn't habanero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cpcn5/why_didnt_the_mexican_go_bow_hunting/
%
Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?

Because she's Dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cpau5/why_cant_helen_keller_drive_a_car/
%
Earlier today I had a Titanic thought.

It was *unthinkable*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cp6ml/earlier_today_i_had_a_titanic_thought/
%
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow?

It's making headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cp09r/did_you_hear_about_the_corduroy_pillow/
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... AND IT WORKS!!!

I just invented a time travel machine...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cozr6/and_it_works/
%
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath

"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet, son".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4corcq/a_threeyearold_boy_was_examining_his_testicles/
%
A young Irish lad goes up to his parents..

"Mum, dad, after much soul-searching, I've decided I'm an atheist" he says.
"Yes yes, that's all fine." says the father. "But are you a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cor43/a_young_irish_lad_goes_up_to_his_parents/
%
I named my hard drive "Dat Ass"

So every month or so my computer asks me if I wanna back dat ass up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4coqjx/i_named_my_hard_drive_dat_ass/
%
"Your generation relies too much on technology", my grandpa said.

"No, your generation relies too much on technology", I replied, then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4coqit/your_generation_relies_too_much_on_technology_my/
%
What do you call a confused Asian person?

Disoriental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4copbe/what_do_you_call_a_confused_asian_person/
%
There once was a man from Peru,

Whose limericks stopped at line two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cooj5/there_once_was_a_man_from_peru/
%
What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

Your wife back, your dog back, your house back...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4comy4/what_do_you_get_when_you_play_a_country_song/
%
I was awakened last night by the bulimic lady in the apartment next door.

I knocked on her door and said: "Please keep it down!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cogad/i_was_awakened_last_night_by_the_bulimic_lady_in/
%
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.
Edit 1: Why was my title and username changed?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cog70/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
%
I went to a disco last night.

They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cocp1/i_went_to_a_disco_last_night/
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A Scottish Rugby Player Visits Harvard

A Scottish rugby player at the end of his high school career is ecstatic to find out he is being considered for a scholarship to Harvard. All he has to do is show up to visit the coach and he's sure to be a shoe-in.
-
After a long flight, he finds himself on Harvard's campus, but without a campus map or guide, he gets lost and has to ask for directions. He spots two students coming his way down the path, approaches them, and asks in his deep Scottish accent, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the rugby field is at?"
-
The two Harvard students are aghast, "Excuse me," one says, casting a horrified glance to his friend, "This is Harvard. We are a respectable institution, and as such we do not end our sentences in prepositions."
-
The rugby player thinks for a moment then looks the student dead in the eye, "Can you tell me where the rugby field is at, asshole?"
-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cobf1/a_scottish_rugby_player_visits_harvard/
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How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cob1b/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Why does everybody love honey?

Because it never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4co84p/why_does_everybody_love_honey/
%
When Vanna White dies...

Do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4co7yc/when_vanna_white_dies/
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As a Chinese comedian many people ask about my opinion on our government...

I can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4co6gr/as_a_chinese_comedian_many_people_ask_about_my/
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I have but two words to describe Avogadro's Number

Holy moley!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4co43l/i_have_but_two_words_to_describe_avogadros_number/
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Redneck Sex....

A brother and sister are having sex
And randomly the sister just starts giggling
The brother asks "what's so damn funny?"
She responds: "you fuck just like dad"
The brother begins to laugh and says: "I know, mom told me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4co2y5/redneck_sex/
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Why shouldn't we talk about Catholic Priests?

It's a touchy subject.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4co10o/why_shouldnt_we_talk_about_catholic_priests/
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A guy buys a golf course...

It's doing well, but maintenance costs are killing him, so he decides to build 3 robots. They're instantly doing 10 times the work of humans, & he's happy. One day the club pro is teeing off in a money game & gets blinded by the glare from a robot. Its not the first time, & he tells the owner he must fix this issue. He thinks about it, & decides to simply paint the robots black. So the next day two of them don't show up for work & the third one robs the pro shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4co0k2/a_guy_buys_a_golf_course/
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What is the one thing that Democrats and Republicans can agree on?

They should allow guns at the Republican convention

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4co0bh/what_is_the_one_thing_that_democrats_and/
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The founder of the Hokie Pokie died the other day

His funeral was a fiasco. First they tried to put his right foot in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cnxqy/the_founder_of_the_hokie_pokie_died_the_other_day/
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I've been searching months for my girlfriends killer.

But nobody will do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cnx4c/ive_been_searching_months_for_my_girlfriends/
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What do Asians do when they have an erection?

They vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cnv95/what_do_asians_do_when_they_have_an_erection/
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How does Harry Potter get down the stairs? By walking.

J.K. Rowling...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cnstc/how_does_harry_potter_get_down_the_stairs_by/
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How do Muslims cook their eggs?

Sunni side up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cnpkn/how_do_muslims_cook_their_eggs/
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I'd tell a 9/11 joke...

But the only two I know always fall flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cnpdt/id_tell_a_911_joke/
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What do you call someone who supports Hillary?

Paid off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cnoyk/what_do_you_call_someone_who_supports_hillary/
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You know at first, I didn't like the mold I found on my skin.

But then it started to grow on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cnnr6/you_know_at_first_i_didnt_like_the_mold_i_found/
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A reporter is interveiwing the worlds oldest man.

She ask him "how have you manged to live so long?"
The man replies "it's simple, I never argue with people."
The reporter says "surely there's something more to it? Diet? Exercise? Something?"
The man thinks for a moment and then says "if you say so..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cnmxp/a_reporter_is_interveiwing_the_worlds_oldest_man/
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What do you call it when a therapist falls down for no reason?

A Freudian slip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cnjd3/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_therapist_falls_down/
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What do you call a Hillary supporter?

A journalist.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cng3t/what_do_you_call_a_hillary_supporter/
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What do you get when you cross a Chicken with Peanut Butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cnds7/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_chicken_with/
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First "Contact"

In the years that followed first contact between humanity and an alien race, individuals from both species took steps to integrate their two cultures. At one of several social conventions held to further this goal, a human couple and an alien couple meet and discuss their common traits. They eventually decide to swap mates for the evening; the human man going home with the female alien, and the human woman going back to her hotel room with the male alien.
Upon arrival, the human woman and the male alien disrobe... and with some dismay, the woman sees that her companion has an incredibly small penis.
"I don't think this is going to work," she says. "It's just too short."
The male alien grins. "That's no problem!" He smacks himself in the forehead a few times... and with each blow, his member extends by several centimeters.
"Wow!" the woman replies. "Only, now it's far too thin."
Once again, the male alien offers a smile. This time, he pulls on his ears, and his shaft swells in circumference with each tug. Thoroughly impressed, the woman leaps onto the male alien, and the two of them spend the night in ecstasy.
The next morning, the human woman joins her husband for breakfast.
"So," he asks, "how was it for you?"
"I'm not going to lie," the woman responds, "it was pretty amazing. How was it for you?"
The man seems to wince at the memory. "Honestly, it was pretty bad. All I got out of it was a headache and sore ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cn9rv/first_contact/
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A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cn00z/a_mother_and_father_took_their_6yearold_son_to_a/
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How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but how do you get them in there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cmyez/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A man and his friend are having coffee one morning when the friend brings up the definition of a Freudian slip...

A man and his friend are having coffee one morning when the friend brings up the definition of a Freudian slip. The man asks what this "Freudian Slip" is and his friend describes it as this: "It's when you mean to say one thing, but another word comes out. For instance, the other day I was trying to buy a couple bus tickets and asked the woman at the counter for two tickets to Tits-burgh instead of Pittsburgh. The woman had rather large breasts and my mind was not fully concerned with the tickets," he says, chuckling.
The man says "Oh sure, that makes sense. You know, I had something like that happen to me the other day! I was sitting there at the breakfast table with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the orange juice," he says.
"What did you say instead?" asks the friend.
"I said 'You've ruined my life, you bitch'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cmwfl/a_man_and_his_friend_are_having_coffee_one/
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How do Protestants like their orange juice?

without Pope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cmv4a/how_do_protestants_like_their_orange_juice/
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There are two woodpeckers having a conversation in a forest when one of them notices a small sapling growing between them...

"Hey, what species of tree do you think this is? I think it's a beech. Or maybe it's a birch?"
"I don't know! I am going to taste it to find out."
The little woodpecker flies over to the sapling and pecks at it a few times.
"Well? What do you think it is?"
"This, my friend, is neither a beech nor a birch. It's finest piece of ash I ever had my pecker in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cmpqv/there_are_two_woodpeckers_having_a_conversation/
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I met up with my ex-fiance today and immediately began having sex

The police did not take it well as I was only asked to identify the body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cmi0v/i_met_up_with_my_exfiance_today_and_immediately/
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A cheese factory in France exploded.

All that was left was debris.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cmh9y/a_cheese_factory_in_france_exploded/
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What are the bouncers called at a gay bar?

Flamethrowers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cmgva/what_are_the_bouncers_called_at_a_gay_bar/
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I was going to say a dead baby joke...

but I decided to abort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cmg1y/i_was_going_to_say_a_dead_baby_joke/
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Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'd just Let It Go.
As told to me by my 5 year-old daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cmdwl/why_cant_you_give_elsa_a_balloon/
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Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cm9z4/why_should_apiarists_determine_standards_of_beauty/
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Women call me ugly until they find out what I make

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cm87h/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_what_i_make/
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The difference between rural, suburban, and urban.

- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.
Credit to someone on /u/jasonreid1976's Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cm6vk/the_difference_between_rural_suburban_and_urban/
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A police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cm3fp/a_police_officer_stops_a_driver_for_shooting/
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I walk into a bar...

... And the waitress runs up to me and says. Please tell me you know CPR. I said, "LADY! not only that I know the whole alphabet".  The whole bar was laughing, all except one guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cm2um/i_walk_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I wouldn't pay $100 to have a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4clusk/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cluqc/what_do_you_call_a_drummer_who_just_broke_up_with/
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What do you call a mentally retarded chef?

A slow cooker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cltla/what_do_you_call_a_mentally_retarded_chef/
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What's the difference between a raver and a chemist at a club?

One drops acid while the other drops the base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4clt9d/whats_the_difference_between_a_raver_and_a/
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WHAT DO WE WANT?!

A CURE FOR TOURETTE'S!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!
CUNT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4clhii/what_do_we_want/
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Prostitutes are really over achievers...

I mean all they do is succeed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cleqr/prostitutes_are_really_over_achievers/
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How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4clcqu/how_many_freudian_analysts_does_it_take_to_change/
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Why did the turkey cross the road?

To prove he wasn't chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4clatn/why_did_the_turkey_cross_the_road/
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My favorite tree died earlier.

Now I have mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cl8v8/my_favorite_tree_died_earlier/
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What do you call something that is half horse and half pig?

A mounted police officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cl1kj/what_do_you_call_something_that_is_half_horse_and/
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This Election

Being forced to choose between Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump is like being forced to choose between bad hemorrhoids and rectal cancer; one is clearly worse than the other but they're both still a huge pain in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cl0n7/this_election/
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A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital, where his pregnant wife is.

Doctor: Is this Mr.Smith?
Smith: Yes, what is the problem?
Doctor: Sir, your wife is in labour, get here immediately!
Smith races to the hospital, runs into the waiting room where the doctor is waiting.
Smith: Where is she? How is my baby?!
Doctor: She is okay sir, however your baby...
Smith: What is it?!
Doctor: It's miraculous! Your baby can fly!
Smith: What!? What are you talking about?
Doctor: Come see!
The doctor leads Smith into emergency room where his newborn baby is lying on a hospital bed. The doctor lifts the baby an inch above the bed and drops it.
Smith: Hey what the hell man!
Doctor: No no I swear he can fly, watch.
The doctor lifts the baby again, this time a couple feet above the bed and again, drops the baby.
THUD
Smith: That's enough of this doc, your starting to piss me off.
Doctor: I swear to you he can fly, just watch.
This time the doctor opens the window and throws the baby from the window into the parking lot. The baby crashes into a windshield, shattering it with a loud crash.
Smith grabs the doctor by the collar, fuming with anger. Just as he swings his fist back the doctor bursts out in laughter.
Doctor: Hahaha I'm just joshing ya, it was a stillborn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cky7m/a_man_is_at_work_when_he_receives_a_call_from_the/
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My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex...

...I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ckrn9/my_lesbian_neighbours_asked_me_what_i_wanted_for/
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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ckkqr/a_worldwide_survey_was_conducted_by_the_un_the/
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A hooded bank robber burst into a bank demanding cash

Once his bags were full he started making his way out when a brave soldier ripped his mask off and sees his face.  The robber, realizing his face has been exposed, shoots and kills him dead.  The robber turns around and sees a bank teller looking him in the eyes so he walks up to him and shoots him dead aswell.  He puts his mask back on and yells "did anyone else see my face?". At this point everyone is staring at the floor too terrified to look up.  After a few moments of utter silence an old man raises his hand his while keeping his face on the floor he says "my wife got pretty good look at you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ckjrb/a_hooded_bank_robber_burst_into_a_bank_demanding/
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What do frogs deal?

Croakaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ckif9/what_do_frogs_deal/
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Women are like the salt of my life

They raise my blood pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ckheu/women_are_like_the_salt_of_my_life/
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Religion is like masturbation.

It's okay to practice it at home in private, but when people start gathering to do it together shit goes downhill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ckfuv/religion_is_like_masturbation/
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What did Cindarella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ck7id/what_did_cindarella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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Farmboy goes into town... NSFW

A young farmer's father calls him outside and tells him to take the duck into town to sell it, and learn a thing or two about life as a man.
The young man walks into town holding the duck, and gets a few streets in before a prostitute peeks her head out of a doorway and asks "Would you like me to show you a good time? "
The young man inquires "What do you mean a good time? "
The prostitute replies "Well if you pay me,  I'll have sex with you"
The young man looks down and says "All I have is this duck."
She tell him "You're a cute kid, come on in. The duck is fine."
He has sex with her, and afterward,  laying in bed,  she says "That was incredible! I can't even ask you to pay, take your duck back"
The young man practically skips out the door,  only to see a truck coming and jump out of the way at the last moment, dropping the duck in the process. The truck driver leaps out and sees the young man in the street, the duck mangled under his tires, and begins apologizing profusely, saying "Look, just take this money and we don't have to tell anybody about this, all right?", handing him 50 dollars.
The young man makes his way home, and when he arrives his father asks him " What did you learn, son?"
The young man replies "The city is great! I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 50 bucks for a fucked up duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cjzlu/farmboy_goes_into_town_nsfw/
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A prostitute made $400.05 in one night from blowjobs.

Bringing the money back to her pimp, he asks: "Who the hell gave you a nickel?" To which she replies:
"They all did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cjyy2/a_prostitute_made_40005_in_one_night_from_blowjobs/
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How are two gay guys who are perfect for each other similar to an Ancient Chinese Emperor?

They both had a mandate from heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cjsgx/how_are_two_gay_guys_who_are_perfect_for_each/
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What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cjrzn/whats_a_pirates_least_favourite_letter/
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A Polish man rushes into a lawyer's office...

Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well — until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Man: “Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
Man: “It’s made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”
Man: “No, we have a carport.”
Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
Man: “All my relations are still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Man: “We have a high-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Man: “No, I always wake up before her.”
Lawyer: “Sir, exactly why do you want this divorce?”
Man: “She’s going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”
Man: “I have proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Man: “She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read it and it says … Polish remover."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cjqjn/a_polish_man_rushes_into_a_lawyers_office/
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A friend of mine asked me how he could become a more effective boss...

I said, just change your name to Simon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cjmx4/a_friend_of_mine_asked_me_how_he_could_become_a/
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I created a new word today.

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cjlg9/i_created_a_new_word_today/
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How much room does a fungi need to grow?

As *Mushroom* as possible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cjge6/how_much_room_does_a_fungi_need_to_grow/
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What's the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex will make your day, anal sex will make your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cjd85/whats_the_difference_between_anal_and_oral_sex/
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What do you call male and female Jewish baristas?

Hebrews and Shebrews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cj4g2/what_do_you_call_male_and_female_jewish_baristas/
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I can't stand when guys complain about their girlfriends giving shitty hand jobs

I see where they're coming from, but something about it just rubs me the wrong way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cj35s/i_cant_stand_when_guys_complain_about_their/
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How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?

Ten-tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ciy81/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_tickle_an_octopus/
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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ciw8c/the_other_day_i_walked_in_on_my_grandmother/
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Optimist, "the glass is half full". Pessimist, "The glass is half empty", Feminist....

"the glass is being raped"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4civ1t/optimist_the_glass_is_half_full_pessimist_the/
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All in a night's work

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says,
"This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for 300.00 as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays 300.00 on the bar, and says slowly,  "Paint…my….house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ciuxu/all_in_a_nights_work/
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What do a pimp and a cowboy have in common?

They both know how to throw a hoedown.
Not my joke, just passing it on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ciubw/what_do_a_pimp_and_a_cowboy_have_in_common/
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North Korea

Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they’re bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: “Ivan, jump!” Sobbing, Ivan says: “Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home...” Putin sheds a tear himself, apologizes to Ivan, and sends him away. Next, it’s Kim Jong Il's turn. He calls his bodyguard Lee Myung Man and yells: “Lee Myung Man, jump!” Not hesitating for a split second, Lee Myung Man is just about to jump out the window. Putin hugs Lee Myung Man to prevent him from jumping and says: “Are you out of your mind? If you jump out this window, you’ll die! This is the 20th floor!” Nevertheless, Lee Myung Man is still struggling, trying to escape Putin’s embrace and jump out the window: “President Putin, please let me go! I have a wife and child at home!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ciub9/north_korea/
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A woman who lives on the top floor of her apartment building is out on her balcony when she slips and falls...

...Screaming, she is caught a floor down by a man standing on his own balcony. "Will you suck my dick?" the man asks. "No!" she yells horrified. The man drops her. Screaming, she is caught the next floor down by another man standing on his balcony. "Can I fuck you in the ass?" the man asks."No!" she yells again out of reflex, absolutely horrified. The man drops her. Falling and screaming, she is caught again by a third man on the balcony below. Terrified of being dropped again she frantically screams, "I'll suck your dick! You can fuck me in the ass!" The man looks at her and says, "Slut." and drops her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ciq8v/a_woman_who_lives_on_the_top_floor_of_her/
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A young man grew fed up with modern life

and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes. The shepherds agreed.
The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually,"So how do you guys get by with no women around here?" Said one of the men,"Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?" The youngster shuddered: "Yak!  How horrible!  How can you...?" The three men only smiled and said nothing.
Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable. He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all...". He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.
"What? What?!!", shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!"
"Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one??!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cio5k/a_young_man_grew_fed_up_with_modern_life/
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One day during class...

One day during class, a teacher asks their students,
"Can anyone use the word definitely in a sentence?"
Little Johnny responded,
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher replied, "No",
Well, Little Johnny said, "Then i definitely shit my pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cinen/one_day_during_class/
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American Soldier

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
"And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cim7n/american_soldier/
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LPT: Dont buy French bread

You will get nothing but Pain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cikj2/lpt_dont_buy_french_bread/
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Musicians are perverts.

The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ciisd/musicians_are_perverts/
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Joke about China

[censored]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cifgb/joke_about_china/
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What's gray and comes in quarts?

Elephants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cifg0/whats_gray_and_comes_in_quarts/
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My friend was trying to annoy me with bird puns

Well, toucan play at that game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cieu4/my_friend_was_trying_to_annoy_me_with_bird_puns/
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What did Jesus do to lose weight?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cidq9/what_did_jesus_do_to_lose_weight/
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Tennis Elbow

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10.
The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cidom/tennis_elbow/
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What breaks when you give it to a baby?

Its hips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cid39/what_breaks_when_you_give_it_to_a_baby/
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A man gets a new job working on an island...

He'll be on this island working with other men for several months. On his first day his boss is showing him around and explaining how things work. After a while the man asks, "Seems like an alright place, but I notice there's no women here. What do you guys do for sex?"
The boss responds, "Well, we have the fucking tree for that." He proceeds to lead the man over to a tree at the center of the island. He points to a hole on the side of the tree about waist height. "Just stick your yogurt slinger in there and she'll do the rest!" The boss winked and walked away.
The man was skeptical at first, but after a couple days on the island decided to give it a try. To his surprise, it was fantastic. The fucking tree made him feel great and he went back daily for the next couple of weeks.
Then, one day, something was wrong. The fucking tree just wasn't getting the job done. The man found his boss and asked, "Hey, what's wrong with the fucking tree? Its not working today!"
The boss answers, "Well, that's because its your day in the tree."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cicfj/a_man_gets_a_new_job_working_on_an_island/
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A man gives his wife a glass of water and two aspirin

His wife says, "What are these for? I don't have a headache."
The man replies, "Great! Let's f***!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ciayi/a_man_gives_his_wife_a_glass_of_water_and_two/
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Playboy is starting a new magazine specifically for married men.

It has the same centerfold every month!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ciar5/playboy_is_starting_a_new_magazine_specifically/
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Why I fired my secretary...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ci7wm/why_i_fired_my_secretary/
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I met Cosby once and I remember him being just a wonderful person.

I don't remember much after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ci7l0/i_met_cosby_once_and_i_remember_him_being_just_a/
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A farmer brings his cow into the house.

A farmer brings his cow into the house and finds his wife in the kitchen. He says, "Honey, this is the filthy pig I fuck when you're not around."
His wife retorts, "You idiot! that's a cow!"
He says, "I know, I was talking to her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ci6ov/a_farmer_brings_his_cow_into_the_house/
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A photon checks into a motel

the clerk says, "Do you have any luggage? If so, I can have the bell hop take it to your room."
The photon replies, "No, I am traveling light!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ci50r/a_photon_checks_into_a_motel/
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My wife asked me to stop singing wonderwall.

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ci3j0/my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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Why is Donald Trump popular in the Antarctic and Arctic?

Because he's doing well in the poles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ci0sy/why_is_donald_trump_popular_in_the_antarctic_and/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a giant jar of $20 notes...

"What's with the jar?" the man asks the bartender.
"That's for the bar challenge, you put $20 in and if you complete  three tasks you get the lot."
"What are the three tasks?" the customer asks, intrigued.
"First you need to drink a gallon of homemade moonshine, the strongest we have. Next, there's a junkyard dog outside with a sore tooth, you need to pull it out. Last, there's an 89 year old virgin upstairs who you need to make love to".
The customer is a bit put off but after a few beers decides to try his luck. He drinks the gallon of moonshine and gets blind drunk before he stumbles outside to where the dog is. There's a commotion outside and the bartender hears the dog growl then whine.
The drunk customer stumbles back into the bar and slurs "alright now where's the old lady with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4chz0e/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_giant_jar_of_20/
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What do you call a lock with low self-confidence?

Insecure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4chyr5/what_do_you_call_a_lock_with_low_selfconfidence/
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Ten year old girl sees naked mother in the bathroom

and points to her breasts. "Will I ever get these?", she asks. "Yes, wait till you grow up". Girl then walks down the hallway and sees naked dad in the badroom getting dressed. She points to his penis and asks, "Will I ever get that?"
"Yes, wait till your mother leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4chuz7/ten_year_old_girl_sees_naked_mother_in_the/
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Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work
8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4chgib/why_do_cows_wear_bells_around_their_necks/
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A New Rooster

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.  The current rooster was still doing alright, but he was getting old and the farmer decided it couldn't hurt to have a new one.  He buys a suitable young'un from the rooster emporium and turns him loose in the barnyard.  The old rooster sees it strutting around and gets a little worried.
"So they're tryna replace me, eh?" the old rooster thinks.  "I'll show them!"
It walks up to the new bird and says "so you think you're the new stud in town?  I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you?  Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.  I'll bet I'm still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to race around that hen house over there.  We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Confident in his ability to outpace the old cock, the young roosters remarks, "Hah!  You're on, and since I'm so great you can even have a half a lap headstart and I'll still win easy!"
So the two roosters head over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch.  The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on.  After the first lap, he's still maintaining his lead.  However, with each lap the old rooster lets it slip a little as the new guy catches up.  It's the seventh lap and each rooster is frantically sprinting, with the old rooster just barely leading.
By now, the farmer has heard all the commotion.  He grabs his gun and runs into the barnyard, figuring a fox or something is after his chickens.  When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house with the old one still lightly in the lead as they near the last lap.  The farmer takes aim with his shotgun and blows the young rooster to smithereens.
Walking away in bewilderment, he mutters to himself, "damn, that's the third, gay rooster I've bought this month!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4chey0/a_new_rooster/
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The homeless angel

A man comes across his best friend with a big beautiful stick in his hand. He goes "Yo where did you get that?".
The friend points in a certain direction and replies "Well there is this homeless guy on that hill,  who claims to be an angel and he grants a wish to anyone who shows him generosity."
The friend immediately takes off, while the friend is still talking, "Oh,  and he's a little hard at hearing."  He gives the man some water,  to which he grants him a wish. Without thinking for a second he says "I want a million bucks". And immediately he is surrounded by a large group of ducks.
His friend starts laughing and goes " Did you really think I asked him for a 12 inch stick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4chewd/the_homeless_angel/
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Why does a bride wear white?

So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4chehj/why_does_a_bride_wear_white/
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Donald Trump, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Pope Francis and a Boy Scout are all on a plane that is about to crash...

They quickly realize there are only four parachutes and one of them is going to die.
Barack Obama says "I am the leader of the free world and commander in chief. I also have two daughters that need me. I must survive!" He takes a parachute and he jumps out of the plane.
Donald Trump says "I am richest man in the world. I have a multi-billion dollar company and many jobs depend on me! I am going to make America great again, I must survive!" He takes a parachute and he jumps out of the plane.
Hillary Clinton says "I am the World's Smartest Woman! The world needs me! I must survive!" She takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
There's only one parachute left and Pope Francis looks at the boy scout and says "I am old and haven't many years left, you should take the parachute, young man."
The boy scout says "There's still another parachute for you too! The World's Smartest Woman took my backpack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ch9mo/donald_trump_barack_obama_hillary_clinton_pope/
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Why are straight men smarter during sex?

Because they're plugged into a fucking know-it-all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ch7wn/why_are_straight_men_smarter_during_sex/
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I wrote a book about my car

It was an auto-biography

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ch3jr/i_wrote_a_book_about_my_car/
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Google just called, they want to put a camera on your mom...

... they heard she makes it around the block faster than their street view cars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ch2xp/google_just_called_they_want_to_put_a_camera_on/
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A guy goes to see his doctor...

He says, "Doctor, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home."
The Doctor says, "Hmmm, it sounds to me like a case of Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Tom Jones Syndrome, is that common?"
"It's not unusual."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ch0zv/a_guy_goes_to_see_his_doctor/
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A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office...

Wearing nothing but seran wrap. The doctor looked at the man and replied, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cgzxm/a_guy_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office/
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How many dead hookers does it take to screw a light bulb?

Why the hell would my basement even need light?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cgzwr/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_screw_a/
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Did you know Hilary Clinton is an excellent musician?

She plays the lyre really well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cgy3y/did_you_know_hilary_clinton_is_an_excellent/
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I have a test on Islam next period in my World Cultures class...

I'm gonna bomb it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cgxue/i_have_a_test_on_islam_next_period_in_my_world/
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Mom, Am I adopted?

Son: Mom, Am I adopted?
Mom: Nuh, you think we would have chosen you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cgtoa/mom_am_i_adopted/
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Monkey Business

A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again.  He asks the redneck janitor of the zoo if he'll have sex with the gorilla for $500.
The redneck says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done!  What's your second condition?
The redneck says;  "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cgtmn/monkey_business/
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A guy walks into a bar, and gets an apple.

A guy walks into a bar, sits front and center on the bar and asks the bartender for a Rum and Coke. The bartender looks at the guy, reaches under the bar, and tosses him an apple.  The guy with a confused face says "I asked for a Rum and Coke." Which the bartender replies "Take a bite, trust me." He goes for the bite, and to his surprise it tastes like Rum. The bartender still looking at him says "Turn it around" The guy takes a bite from the opposite side. "Oh my god, it tastes just like Coke!"
A few seconds later another guy walks inside. "Can I get a Gin and Tonic" The bartender places another apple on the bar "Enjoy" The guy looks at him and complains, "I asked for a Gin and Tonic" To which the first guy replies "Trust Me, you'll like it" He takes a bite, "Wow! This tastes like Gin!" The bartender looking at him "Turn it around..." The guy goes for the second bite, "It tastes like Tonic, this is my new favorite way to get drunk!"
A third guy walks in, straight to the bar, and sits down. The first guy tells him "No matter what you want, this guy has an apple for every taste, order one" With a doubtful face the guy asks the bartender "In that case, do you have an apple that tastes like pussy?" To which he replies "*Do I have an apple that tastes like pussy*..." He puts an apple on the bar, "You mean like this?" The guy grabs it, takes a huge bite and immediately spits it out. "It tastes like shit!!" The bartender with a smirk on his face "Turn it around........."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cgpxo/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_gets_an_apple/
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dark humor never gets old

just like a kid with cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cgpqp/dark_humor_never_gets_old/
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Owner of a wine shop...

...gets a call in the middle of the night.
A slightly panicky voice on the other end asks, "It's kind of an emergency. When does your shop open?" He replies in an exasperated voice, "I just closed half an hour ago. So it won't open till tomorrow morning."
Sometime later the owner is woken up with another call, " How long till you open? My need is urgent.", says the same, but slightly inebriated, voice. The slightly puzzled owner replies, "I told you, it won't open till morning."
A few hours later, "When will your shop open?", shouts a drunk voice. The owner, now at the cusp of righteous wrath, shouts back, "You shit! I told you - in the morning! And you don't sound like you need any wine by the way your night's been going, anyway."
A slightly puzzled, but heavily intoxicated voice replies, "I've plenty of wine. What I need is a way out from your shop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cgjlc/owner_of_a_wine_shop/
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A guy starts his first day on the job at a sex shop...

when the manager says "I know it is your first day and I'm really sorry, but I have to run out and do some errands.  Do you think you'll be ok?"
The guy says it is fine and it isn't long before he has his first customer, a white woman.
"Do you have any dildos?" she asked
"Yes ma'am, we have black dildos for $20 and white ones for $30."
"I think I'll take a black one, I've never had a black one before."
She pays and leaves, and a bit of time passes before a black woman comes in and asks the same question.
"Black dildos are $20, white are $30" he tells her.
"I'll take a white one, I've never had a white one before"
Then a blonde woman walks in and asks if they sell dildos.
"Yes ma'am, black ones are $20 and white are $30."
"Well...what's that one up there?" she asks pointing to a shelf behind the counter.
"Oh, the plaid dildo?  It is a special edition, it costs $250." he answers.
"I think I'll take the plaid dildo, I've never had a plaid one before".
She pays and leaves and then then manager returns.
"So how was your first day? Any sales?" the manager asks.
"Pretty good" the guy answers.  "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo and I sold your Thermos for $250."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cgedv/a_guy_starts_his_first_day_on_the_job_at_a_sex/
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A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow

his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. She unzips his pants and puts his cock in her mouth, then immediately stops and starts gagging. "Dad your cock tastes like shit", she says. Then the dad snaps his fingers in realization and says: "That's right, your brother has the car".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cg94a/a_teenage_girl_goes_to_her_dad_and_asks_if_she/
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When my friend takes shrooms, he instantly becomes the life of the party.

What a fungi to be around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cg7fo/when_my_friend_takes_shrooms_he_instantly_becomes/
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A Turkish joke.

Temel decides to move to Germany by himself to work in a factory and make some money for his family. Months pass by and one day, he receives a letter saying his wife has passed away and he should return to attend her funeral.
He flies back home to find the towns folk crying outside his house. They tell him she's inside and offer him their condolences. He enters his house to see his wife laying motionless on the ground. Suddenly, his wife opens her eyes and exclaims "oh husband, I faked my death because I just had to see you! I missed you very much!". They decide to make love right there and then.
After a passionate love making session, they leave the house together. The townsfolk ask "but...how is she alive?", to which Temel replies "I fucked her back to life!".
Temel goes back to Germany. Months later another letter arrives, this time saying his father has passed away last week. He flies back again to see a very saddened crowd gathered outside his house. "Where is he?!" Temel asks.
"Don't bother Temel, we've all been fucking him for a week but he's still not responding."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cg773/a_turkish_joke/
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One liner

I can really see myself working in a mirror factory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cg6vl/one_liner/
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How do you recycle a condom?

Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cg6oq/how_do_you_recycle_a_condom/
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A flight from Dublin to Boston

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said that anybody kind enough to give up their meal would receive unlimited free drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, "If anybody is hungry, we still have 80 dinners available".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cg6cw/a_flight_from_dublin_to_boston/
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There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cg5by/there_is_a_clerk_at_the_butcher_shop_he_is_five/
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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cg4rh/a_man_wakes_up_after_a_heavy_night_of_drinking_to/
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For the sick

Little Bob went with his mom to church every Sunday. One morning in the middle of the service Bob complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke. “No problem dear,” whispered his Mom in his ear, “just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and take care of it there.” Thirty seconds later Bob came back. “Did you go to the bathroom?” question his Mom. “No need” responded Bob. “Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it ‘for the sick’, so I just did it in there!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cg33j/for_the_sick/
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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cg0no/a_father_put_his_3_year_old_daughter_to_bed/
%
Two midgets got married

They found their other half

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cg08h/two_midgets_got_married/
%
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfy4v/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_catholic/
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Mrs. Smith went to the doctor

At the end of the exam the doctor says, "I'm sorry to tell you, but you have the Big A". Mrs. Smith panics and rushes home where she tells her husband what happened. Mr. Smith asks what the Big A is, but she rushed out before she could ask. So he calls the doctor. " This is Mr. Smith. My wife was there today and you told her she has the Big A. What is that?". Doctor looks through his records, "I've had two Mrs. Smiths in today. One had AIDS and the other had Alzheimers.". "Well, how do I know which is my wife?"
"Send her out for a walk. If she comes back, don't fuck her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfy42/mrs_smith_went_to_the_doctor/
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I drink every time I tell a bad joke.

Hey, it's worth a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfvor/i_drink_every_time_i_tell_a_bad_joke/
%
A French-guy walks into a bar with a dog

and orders 2 martinis from the cute barmaid. They each drink their drinks and the barmaid asks "hey Mr. does your dog know any other tricks?".The man replies "Well,as a matter of fact, he can satisfy a woman's every need.".Intrigued the barmaid invites them into a backroom and says "this I would like to see.". Several minutes pass and she complains that the dog did nothing so the man tells the dog "look I'm only going to show you one more time!!!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfvnk/a_frenchguy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_dog/
%
Another tasteless joke about Alzheimer's?

Forget it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfvdx/another_tasteless_joke_about_alzheimers/
%
If I was a cannibal I'd only eat women.

Because they're seedless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfuvv/if_i_was_a_cannibal_id_only_eat_women/
%
What type of cheese is made backwards?

Edam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cftiv/what_type_of_cheese_is_made_backwards/
%
I hear you are what you eat

Must be why I'm such a child

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfsja/i_hear_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
I worry that if Nike sponsored a Suicide Prevention Day event...

...the words "Just Do It" would be everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfrzk/i_worry_that_if_nike_sponsored_a_suicide/
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A Russian, a Japanese dude and a guy from Boston were caught by a group of cannibals...

The leader said to them "we are going to eat you and use your skin to make a canoe, but we will give you the choice of killing yourselves in which ever way you want".
The Russian made a grunting sound then snapped his neck clean off. The Japanese guy took out his samurai sword and honorably killed himself through 'hara-kiri'.
All of a sudden the guy from Boston took a sharp rock and started stabbing himself all over his face and body.
The tribe leader gasped and said "what are you doing! That's the longest and most painful way of killing yourself!" "Yeah well fuck you and your canoe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfqpb/a_russian_a_japanese_dude_and_a_guy_from_boston/
%
What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfpvm/what_does_an_80_year_old_lesbian_taste_like/
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“Poor Old fool,”...

...thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfkk1/poor_old_fool/
%
Because it ruins the joke.

Why should you never mix up the title and the punchline?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfk79/because_it_ruins_the_joke/
%
Did you see the gorgeous girl doing the taser demonstration?

She was stunning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfj7a/did_you_see_the_gorgeous_girl_doing_the_taser/
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So the Germans were having a hard time against the entrenches Italians in WW1

Lt Rommel has an idea: "Hey, a lot of Italians are named Luigi. I say we try calling out 'hey, Luigi', and when they stick their head out to answer, we shoot them." It was decided that it was worth a try so early the next morning the Germans launch their new "offensive".
A German soldier called out, "Hey, Luigi!".
An Italian soldier stuck his head out and replied, "Ya?"
BANG!
This went on for a while.
"Hey, Luigi!"
"Ya?"
BANG!
It wasn't too long until the Italians figured out what was going on. One of their officers came up with an idea. He said that a lot of Germans were named Hans, and all they had to do was call out "Hey, Hans!" and they'd be shooting Germans, too. It seemed like a good plan so first thing next morning they tried it out.
"Hey, Hans!"
"That you, Luigi?"
"Ya!"
BANG!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfcmo/so_the_germans_were_having_a_hard_time_against/
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What do you call a tall, obese computer nerd with a bladder control problem.

A Big Fat Geek Wetting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfc42/what_do_you_call_a_tall_obese_computer_nerd_with/
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A guy is walking along the beach, when he comes across a crying woman without limbs

He walks over to her and asks what's wrong. "I've never been hugged before" she says. Thinking this is a simple enough request, the man hugs her. She soon starts crying again. He again asks what's wrong, and she replies, "I've never been kissed before." The man again complies with her wishes and gives her a romantic kiss. She starts crying again, and the man, slightly irritated, asks what's her problem. "I've never been fucked before" she says. So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says, "There, now you're fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfbth/a_guy_is_walking_along_the_beach_when_he_comes/
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Wife tells her husband that she has big news...

..."Pretty soon, there are going to be three of us in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her and hugged her and said "that is the greatest thing I could possible hear!"
The wife responded, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfbn9/wife_tells_her_husband_that_she_has_big_news/
%
want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfah6/want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
A vacuum salesman knocks on the front door of a home...

and an elderly lady answers the door. The salesman explains who he is, who he works for, and proclaims that if she will show him her vacuum cleaner and how good it works then he will show her a vacuum that costs less and works better. She agrees, lets him in, and offers him a seat on the couch. She says she will have to go get her vacuum and it will be a minute. He takes a seat and begins to eat some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the side table. She returns, they proceed with the demo, and she winds up buying a vacuum. As the man is leaving, he thanks her for her business and offers to bring her some peanuts since he ate some of hers. She blushes, leads him towards the door, and says, "That's okay, I can only suck the chocolate off of them anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cfa4o/a_vacuum_salesman_knocks_on_the_front_door_of_a/
%
Girl told me she had a dream that I made love to her

I mean, technically, she didn't say "dream," she said "nightmare," but close enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cf8i9/girl_told_me_she_had_a_dream_that_i_made_love_to/
%
Porn stars' favorite drink?

7-Up 'n cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cf4n4/porn_stars_favorite_drink/
%
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger

Then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cezz0/i_was_wondering_why_the_frisbee_was_getting_bigger/
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A Church in Ireland needed a bellringer...

...for their new belltower, so they put out an advert in the local paper.
*Bellringer needed for the dawn bell. Large bell, strength needed. Apply in person at the church*
Sure enough, the next day there is a knock on the door. Father Angus answers, eager to meet the applicant.
Standing in the doorway is a young man, smile on his face, ready to work, however there is an obvious issue - he has **no arms.**
"Mornin, Father. Here about the bellringer job, I am!" He spoke enthusiastically.
"Of course my son, of course.... but I must ask - how will ye accomplish the task of ringing the bell? I cannae help but notice, ye have no arms, lad."
"Ah! Not a problem! Show me the bell and I'll show you my secret!" Proclaimed the armless man.
Father Angus and the armless man ascended the tower, whereupon the armless man proceeded to approach the large bell and stick his head up inside it.
The armless man said "stand back,  Father, and watch this!"
Father Angus obediently stood clear as the armless man started ringing the bell by smacking his face against the inside of it.
Bong.
BONG
**BONG**
The armless man then stood clear with a triumphant smile.
Father Angus said "My boy! That was incredible! Sure ye can have the job - be here at sunrise tomorrow to ring the bell, by God! You will be doing this town a great service!"
The next day, just before dawn,  the armless man ascended the tower, keen to impress on his first day on the job.
He waits until sunrise, approaches the bell and just as before, sticks his head up inside and begins smacking his face on the inside, throwing his body forward with every ring.
Dangerously so, the armless man begins to lose balance...
Bong
BONG
**Ahhhhhhh!!!**
he misses on the third strike, and falls off the edge of the tower, and
**THUD**
Hits the ground dead! Right beside Paddy and Micky, who were walking past at the time.
*"Jeeeeezus* , Micky!" Says Paddy, pointing at the armless man's body.
"The poor man! Tell me Micky, do you know who this poor man is?"
Micky looks down to examine the body.
"Not too sure Paddy, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cexb3/a_church_in_ireland_needed_a_bellringer/
%
Chinese Torture

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal - it didn't hurt his chances that he was the first man she had seen besides her father in years. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest. The old man was standing over him "First Chinese torture test: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, waddled over to the window and heaved the boulder out. As he did so the old man smiled softly, "Second Chinese torture test: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward the old man leaned out the window with a large grin, "Third Chinese torture test: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ceupd/chinese_torture/
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Have you ever wondered why Severus Snape taught Potions and not Herbology?

It's because his Lily died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ceq1v/have_you_ever_wondered_why_severus_snape_taught/
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What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ceoly/what_do_you_call_a_balloon_animal_made_out_of_a/
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Three Escaped Prisoners

Three men - who were not the brightest of individuals - escaped from prison one evening. They knew that the authorities would be hot on their tail in only a matter of minutes, so they decided to find somewhere to hide on a nearby farm.
The first prisoner climbed an apple tree, then kept as still as he could within the dense leaves. The second crawled beneath the front steps of the farmhouse, then froze in place. The third prisoner covered himself with several burlap sacks, and they all waited for the inevitable search to be over.
Within minutes, two policemen arrived at the farm. They went first to the burlap sacks and nudged at them.
"Do you think anybody is in there?" one of the officers asked the other.
From beneath the folds of burlap, there came a sound: "Meeeoooow!"
"Bah, it's just a cat," the other policeman replied. The pair of them continued to scour the area, coming next to the house.
One of the officers pointed forward. "What about under the stairs?"
They were answered by a familiar noise: "Woof! Woof!"
"Nope," replied the second policeman, "it's just a lazy dog."
"Well, how about up in that apple tree?" the first officer asked.
As if on cue, a voice from within the branches responded: "*Mooooooooo!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ceme8/three_escaped_prisoners/
%
What has seven arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cem7v/what_has_seven_arms_and_sucks/
%
Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.

He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cegnq/went_to_see_the_worst_faith_healer_ever_last_night/
%
Did you hear Microsoft have started giving away Office free to parents?

Word to your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ceen0/did_you_hear_microsoft_have_started_giving_away/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cebda/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.

He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ce9ff/a_guy_was_walking_to_a_bar_and_on_his_way_he/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ce7es/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
I'm Starting a Fundraiser to Help Restore Sight to Seniors with Degenerative Eye Problems.

Please Upvote for visibility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ce30x/im_starting_a_fundraiser_to_help_restore_sight_to/
%
What did the ghost say to the bees?

Boo Bees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cdnmt/what_did_the_ghost_say_to_the_bees/
%
Why do urologists like UTIs?

It means urine business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cdli4/why_do_urologists_like_utis/
%
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex.

He's a small arms dealer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cdgc0/i_buy_all_my_guns_from_a_guy_named_trex/
%
A blonde boards a plane to Miami...

A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat.
"Easy" says the pilot, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cdd33/a_blonde_boards_a_plane_to_miami/
%
Why are blind people bad at math?

Because they lack da-vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cd6k8/why_are_blind_people_bad_at_math/
%
My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films...

He forgot to show Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cd55u/my_buddy_just_lost_his_job_at_a_cinema_that_only/
%
What did the frustrated cannibal do?

Threw his hands up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cd1oe/what_did_the_frustrated_cannibal_do/
%
A cowboy and an Indian are riding horseback.

The Indian stops his horse, jumps off and puts his ear to the ground.
He looks up at the cowboy and says, "Buffalo come".
The cowboy looks around and then back at the Indian. "How the hell do you know that?"
The Indian replied, "Ear sticky".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cd07d/a_cowboy_and_an_indian_are_riding_horseback/
%
Stop sending toys to children in Africa

It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cd023/stop_sending_toys_to_children_in_africa/
%
Discussing Funerals

Three men are sitting around drinking coffee when a pastor comes up to them.  "Men, I want you to think about when your life ends.  What would you people to say about you at your funeral?"
The first man thinks a bit and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good family man.  That I provided for my wife and children."
The second man thinks and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good Christian.  That I read the scripture and lived for the Lord."
The third man says, "I hope they say 'Look!  He's moving!!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ccyc4/discussing_funerals/
%
What did the fuse say when it blew out?

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ccshw/what_did_the_fuse_say_when_it_blew_out/
%
What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?

Depends, what is yours?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ccpuc/whats_hillary_clintons_favorite_christmas_carol/
%
What did the mountain climber name his horse?

Everest. Any time he is bored I see him Mount Everest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ccpev/what_did_the_mountain_climber_name_his_horse/
%
What's Donald Trumps's favorite Christmas carol?

White Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ccoxo/whats_donald_trumpss_favorite_christmas_carol/
%
I'm the weakest in my Asian family

They call me weak-Ling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ccje7/im_the_weakest_in_my_asian_family/
%
What is a catchy Girl's name?

Answer: Annette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cciva/what_is_a_catchy_girls_name/
%
Pickup line: Hey girl, did I take a loan from you?

Because my interest in you keeps growing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ccinq/pickup_line_hey_girl_did_i_take_a_loan_from_you/
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What do you call a nerd after highschool?

Boss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ccien/what_do_you_call_a_nerd_after_highschool/
%
I wonder if that's mine

I was walking down the street one morning and saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self "I wonder if that's mine", so I hurried back home quickly  but it was still there, shining my shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ccg7a/i_wonder_if_thats_mine/
%
You heard about the guy who had a heart-attack when the police entered his house?

He had a cardiac arrest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ccdag/you_heard_about_the_guy_who_had_a_heartattack/
%
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?

Trying to fit in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cc8gr/whats_the_hardest_part_about_being_a_pedophile/
%
What's a pedophiles favourite part of a game of hockey?

Before the first period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cc7z7/whats_a_pedophiles_favourite_part_of_a_game_of/
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Knock knock..Who's there?..Interrupting coefficient of friction..

The interrupting coeff---
MU!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cbztl/knock_knockwhos_thereinterrupting_coefficient_of/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I was racially accepting

I'd be as poor as a no good, dirty mexican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cbxmm/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_was_racially/
%
The real reason men enjoy blowjobs?

5 minutes of silence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cbub9/the_real_reason_men_enjoy_blowjobs/
%
What do you call a blond with one strand of hair dyed black?

A glimmer of hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cbsfc/what_do_you_call_a_blond_with_one_strand_of_hair/
%
What type of vegetable is only kinda awesome?

A radish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cbr1z/what_type_of_vegetable_is_only_kinda_awesome/
%
How do women defy the laws of physics?

The heavier they are, the easier to pick up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cbovb/how_do_women_defy_the_laws_of_physics/
%
How cold is it outside?

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cbo7f/how_cold_is_it_outside/
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cbk8o/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
%
[US] Mexican Submarine Destroyed in the Gulf of Mexico

Oops wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cbiyu/us_mexican_submarine_destroyed_in_the_gulf_of/
%
It's interesting how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps with everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cbi16/its_interesting_how_we_all_sleep_differently/
%
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cbe3a/a_guy_knocked_on_my_door_asking_for_a_donation_to/
%
What do you call a pig...

...with an unusually high IQ?
Einswine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cbd4r/what_do_you_call_a_pig/
%
What weighs 20 times a North Korean?

Kim Jong Un.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cbcjk/what_weighs_20_times_a_north_korean/
%
What is the difference between the USA and USB?

One connects to all your devices & accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cb9zu/what_is_the_difference_between_the_usa_and_usb/
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I don't know which child you think I don't treat correctly...

Jake, Thomas or the fat ugly one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cb8vn/i_dont_know_which_child_you_think_i_dont_treat/
%
What do you call a bagel that can fly?

a plain bagel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cb563/what_do_you_call_a_bagel_that_can_fly/
%
After the apocalypse, in cannibalistic Germany,

"Kindergarten" takes on a new, darker meaning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cb2d0/after_the_apocalypse_in_cannibalistic_germany/
%
What is the difference between Trump supporters and everyone else?

Trump supporters vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cb03u/what_is_the_difference_between_trump_supporters/
%
What does a lesbian couple do for fun while they're having their periods?

Fingerpaint!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cazgj/what_does_a_lesbian_couple_do_for_fun_while/
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What do you tell a metal head who's walking on an icy street?

Slip not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4caufo/what_do_you_tell_a_metal_head_whos_walking_on_an/
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What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4carm0/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_two_brain_cells/
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What browser do you use to watch porn?

Bill Gates: "Internet Explorer"
Sundar Pichai: "Google Chrome"
Tim Cook: "Safari"
Jared Fogle: "Tor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4canpz/what_browser_do_you_use_to_watch_porn/
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What do you call an English teacher who used to have anxiety?

Past tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4canka/what_do_you_call_an_english_teacher_who_used_to/
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What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cak7q/what_rock_group_has_four_men_that_dont_sing/
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Why is a UTI such a bad thing?

Because it means urine trouble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cag2s/why_is_a_uti_such_a_bad_thing/
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Did you hear about the suicide bombing camp?

I heard it was a blast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cacuj/did_you_hear_about_the_suicide_bombing_camp/
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Just had a Jehovah's Witness come to the door and ask if I had found Jesus yet.

I said no, isn't he under the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cackr/just_had_a_jehovahs_witness_come_to_the_door_and/
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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ca9i1/if_i_got_1_every_time_somebody_called_me_a_racist/
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A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"
The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c9yzk/a_mugger_holds_a_man_at_gunpoint_and_says_give_me/
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What do you call a Woolworths that has been burned down?

Coles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c9ymx/what_do_you_call_a_woolworths_that_has_been/
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During a huge storm, a man's city calls for an emergency evacuation

As his neighbors are driving away, they offer him a seat in their minivan. He says, "No thank you. I believe in God, and God will protect me from this storm."
The flood waters start to rise and the man is standing on his balcony. A family in a fishing boat come by and offer a space on their boat. The man says, "No thank you. I believe in God, and God will protect me from this storm."
The storm starts getting even worse. His house is nearly completely engulfed in water, and the man is clinging to his chimney with rain blowing in his face. A National Guard helicopter comes by and lowes a ladder for him. He says, "No thank you. I believe in God, and God will protect me from this storm."
The man drowns shortly thereafter and goes do heaven. Once in heaven, fuming, he marches up to Saint Peter and says "I've been a loyal Christian all my life. I put my faith in God to save in that storm and he let me drown. How could he do something like that?"
Peter looks at the man and says, "I really don't know what you expected. God sent you a van, a boat, and a helicopter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c9ych/during_a_huge_storm_a_mans_city_calls_for_an/
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I saw a Mexican fighting Jared Fogel

I finally saw Alien vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c9xph/i_saw_a_mexican_fighting_jared_fogel/
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What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A Labrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c9nul/what_do_you_call_an_intelligent_blonde/
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Dark humour is like food.

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c9nq1/dark_humour_is_like_food/
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African Penis Growth Technique.

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when
each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a
weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis
until it's 20 inches long.
Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower, his wife said, "let's try the African string and weight technique honey".
The husband agreed, and they tied a string with a weight to his penis.
A few days later the wife asked, "how is our little experiment coming along?" The husband replied "Well, it looks like we're about halfway there".
The wife impressed and said, "you mean it's already grown to 10 inches?"
"No" the husband replied. "It's turning black".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c9n67/african_penis_growth_technique/
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What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c9h9v/whats_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a/
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Who led the Jewish people through the semi-permeable membrane?

Osmoses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c97of/who_led_the_jewish_people_through_the/
%
A monkey is sitting in a tree...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c95hs/a_monkey_is_sitting_in_a_tree/
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How do you play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, take two shots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c930z/how_do_you_play_the_oscar_pistorius_drinking_game/
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Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8y0i/yeah_i_lost_to_my_computer_at_chess/
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Having sex at work is alright

As long as you don't work at a daycare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8xb1/having_sex_at_work_is_alright/
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A guy is on vacation in Jerusalem with his wife and mother-in-law,

when the mother-in-law unexpectedly passes away. Unsure of how to handle funeral proceedings so far from home, he asks a local funeral parlor in Jerusalem for advice.
"Well sir, if you bury her here in Jerusalem, it will cost you about $150".
"What about if I want to ship her body back to the U.S.?" - the guy asks
"Well sir, that would cost approximately $20,000".
The guy thinks about it for a little bit and says "you know what, better prepare the body and have her shipped back to New York".
"But sir, you would save almost $20,000 if you just bury her right here in Jerusalem!" - the funeral guy responds
The husband responds: "yeah I know, but there was once a guy who was buried in Jerusalem and rose from the dead on the third day, and I'm not willing to risk that with her".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8wxx/a_guy_is_on_vacation_in_jerusalem_with_his_wife/
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My father wants me to treat him like a king

So I stabbed him while he was sleeping. The succession line has to go on, dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8uzo/my_father_wants_me_to_treat_him_like_a_king/
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What do Trump supporters and child molesters have in common?

They both like immature assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8sam/what_do_trump_supporters_and_child_molesters_have/
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What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence
*edit: I kinda thought it was funny, and* poof  *it has 3000 upvotes. Thanks for the motivation*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8rix/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_who_dyes_her_hair/
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I've been a right-leaning man for most of my life

Fuck scoliosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8r61/ive_been_a_rightleaning_man_for_most_of_my_life/
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Do you have a favorite boat joke?

No? Well you will schooner or later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8n81/do_you_have_a_favorite_boat_joke/
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Jesus says to love others as you love yourself.

So who wants a hand job?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8mq2/jesus_says_to_love_others_as_you_love_yourself/
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What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?

One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8jz6/whats_the_difference_between_a_dog_and_a_marine/
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A guy is walking along and sees a farmer out in the field with a pig.

The pig has an artificial leg.
The guy walks up to the farmer and says "Wow, I've never seen a pig with an artificial leg before."
The farmer points to a house across the road and says "See that house? That's my house. We had a fire about a month ago. That pig came in and rescued me, went back in and rescued my wife, and then went back in and rescued my two daughters."
The guy says, "Wow, that's amazing. So he burned his leg and had to get a fake one?"
The farmer said, "No. But you don't eat a pig like that all at one time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8jk3/a_guy_is_walking_along_and_sees_a_farmer_out_in/
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If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are together on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it sinks, who survives?

America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8gxr/if_donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton_are_together/
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What do you get if you mix Lassie and a canteloupe?

Melon-Collie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8gd8/what_do_you_get_if_you_mix_lassie_and_a_canteloupe/
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Welcome to Dick's hotdogs,

if you like hotdogs, you'll love dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c89as/welcome_to_dicks_hotdogs/
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When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c88tp/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
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You know how light travels faster than sound?

That's why some people seem bright until they start speaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8695/you_know_how_light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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So two guys are wandering the desert when they see a bacon tree...

So there's two guys wandering through a desert, searching for water. One guy is a little ahead of the other one and they are walking in a line. After a few hours of wandering, the first guy sees a dark shape on the horizon. He points it out and says, "Dude, I think I see something!" And the first guy starts running towards it, and the closer he gets he realizes what he saw was a giant tree. But the tree was made entirely out of BACON. Every tree limb, every leaf, made from bacon. And so the guy is like "Dude, there's a BACON TREE!" And he starts running towards the tree. But as he gets closer he starts getting pelted with rocks from every direction, and he has no idea where they are coming from. So he turns around and yells to the other guy, "Turn back! It's not a Bacon tree-- IT'S A HAM-BUSH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c7snl/so_two_guys_are_wandering_the_desert_when_they/
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Socialist jokes are the best.

Everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c7r78/socialist_jokes_are_the_best/
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A man asked his wife "what would you do if i won the lottery?"

She said "take half and leave your ass."
"Good," he replied. I won twelve dollars, here's six, now get out."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c7qhz/a_man_asked_his_wife_what_would_you_do_if_i_won/
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I remember when my mother would tuck me in

She really wanted a daughter
(taken from a front page meme)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c7oio/i_remember_when_my_mother_would_tuck_me_in/
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Two Elderly Couples Were Having Dinner...

...when one of the men says to the other man of the group, "Hey Stan, tell us about the college course you recently took!"  Stan looks up from his dinner and says, "Oh, it was great! It was a memory class to help me to remember things better."
"Did it work?" the other guy asks.
"Sure did! I'm remembering stuff more efficiently now. It was a big improvement."
"What was the name of the school?"
Stan looks off into the distance, furrows his brows and asks, "What is the name of the flower... usually comes in a dozen...has thorns...?"
"Rose?" the other man asks.
Stan looks to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that school I went to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c7ikt/two_elderly_couples_were_having_dinner/
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What do you call someone who is open with their kids about their sex change?

Transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c7ata/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_open_with_their/
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I built a staircase using an online tutorial!

When I finished I thought something looked wrong so I went back to look at the instructions. I missed a step.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c79nd/i_built_a_staircase_using_an_online_tutorial/
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What gave Hitler a heart attack?

Seeing his gas bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c73qq/what_gave_hitler_a_heart_attack/
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Man goes to a restaurant

Sits down at a table by himself and places a calender in front of him. The waiter ask why the calendar? Man replies "I didn't want to be alone so I brought some dates"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c73qb/man_goes_to_a_restaurant/
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My girlfriend asked me why I was sitting with the eggs...

I couldn't find my whisk, and if you can't beat them, you might as well join them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c72n6/my_girlfriend_asked_me_why_i_was_sitting_with_the/
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What do you call a blond-haired, blue-eyed guy who is well-endowed?

A Hung-Ariyan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c72j6/what_do_you_call_a_blondhaired_blueeyed_guy_who/
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Did you hear the one about Bernie Sanders?

Probably not, the /r/politics mods deleted it before anyone saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c70fz/did_you_hear_the_one_about_bernie_sanders/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c6zr2/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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My new girlfriend just said...

"After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"
I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c6te3/my_new_girlfriend_just_said/
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Dirty Easter Joke

This rooster wakes up early Easter Sunday morning. He sticks his head out of the chicken coop, and sees all these multicolored eggs all over the barnyard. He takes a look at the eggs, takes a look at the hens, takes another look at the eggs, takes one more look at the hens, he thinks about it for a minute, then he walks across the barnyard and kicks the shit out of the peacock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c6rgb/dirty_easter_joke/
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Don't retire in Alaska.

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.  Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.  He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.  Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.  He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.  Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come.  About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.  Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops.  "Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin."
"Not a problem" says Tom.  "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.  "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.  I'll be there, thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.  "I've been all alone for six months!  I'll definitely be there.  By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ... just gonna be the two of us."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c6qz5/dont_retire_in_alaska/
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What is Hitler's favourite type of pizza?

The Hollow Crust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c6pux/what_is_hitlers_favourite_type_of_pizza/
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Happy Easter

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane., After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it  still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?", To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to  temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.", The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is  it still a requirement of your church that  you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.", The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the  temptations of the flesh?", The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and  broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes., Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c6p9l/happy_easter/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang a picture! Happy Easter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c6oln/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c6mpa/a_joke_i_heard_at_mass/
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What is Whitney Houston's favorite coordination?

HAND-EYYYYEEEEE-EEEE-IIIII!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c6ish/what_is_whitney_houstons_favorite_coordination/
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Why did the Indian not show up for work?

He was Sikh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c6i35/why_did_the_indian_not_show_up_for_work/
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I hate when you compliment on their mustache...

..and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c6c8k/i_hate_when_you_compliment_on_their_mustache/
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What's the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

If I dump a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around for the next few weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c6c45/whats_the_difference_between_your_mom_and_a/
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After a long day at work, I come home to my nagging wife.

"The sink's leaking, fix it," she says. "I'm not a plumber," I say. "The electric's broken, fix it," she says. "I'm not an electrician," I say. She stomps off in a huff.
The next day, I come home from work again and... everything's fixed! "What happened?" I ask her. "I got a man in to do it," she says. "How much did it cost?" I say. "Well, he asked for either an apple pie, or a blowjob," she says. "I hope you gave him an apple pie!" I say. "I'm not a baker," she says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c69hu/after_a_long_day_at_work_i_come_home_to_my/
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An old man on his front porch see two boys walk down the street past his house

Each boy is carrying a roll of duct tape.
"What are you boys doing with that duct tape?" said the man
"Gunna catch us some ducks Mister" said one the kids
"I don't think it works that way but good luck."
The kids walk by a couple of hours later with a duck under each of their arms.
Next week the old man sees the same kids walking down the street with chicken wire.
"What are you doing with that chicken wire" asks the old man
"Catch us some chickens" replied the kids
The old man shakes his head and wishes them luck. But a couple hours later the boys are each holding a chicken!
The following week the old man sees the two boys again, carrying a bundle of pussy willow. So he said "wait for me boys, just need to grab my hat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c68ym/an_old_man_on_his_front_porch_see_two_boys_walk/
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Terrorists make the worst comedians.

They always bomb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c66bx/terrorists_make_the_worst_comedians/
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I like my coffee how I like my slaves...

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c663a/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_slaves/
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Where is the best place to find Eskimo Lesbians?

At the Klondike Bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c65qc/where_is_the_best_place_to_find_eskimo_lesbians/
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Why aren't there any Muslims in Star Trek?

Because it's the future

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c6519/why_arent_there_any_muslims_in_star_trek/
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A girl next to me in the trai sneezed.

Me: bless you
She: I have a boyfriend
A few rows behind us : I'm vegan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c645n/a_girl_next_to_me_in_the_trai_sneezed/
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Easter Kids' Joke

Why can't you sniff out Easter Eggs?
(In a tone like you have no idea) "No bunny nose"
-Made up this morning in bed to a very dissatisfied girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c6412/easter_kids_joke/
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TIL that the toothbrush was made in Arkansas.

If it was made anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c5yfv/til_that_the_toothbrush_was_made_in_arkansas/
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What is Easter?

As told to me by a priest when I was little:
Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven.  Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first.  What is Easter?"
The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney and hands out presents."
Saint Peter says, "No.  That's not right.  That's Christmas."
The second Catholic says, "Of course, that's Christmas.  Everyone knows Easter is the day when children put on masks and go door to door saying 'trick or treat' and getting candy."
Saint Peter says, "No.  You're thinking of Halloween.  How have you all not heard of Easter?  Do you know what Easter is?" he says, motioning to the third.
The final Catholic says, "I apologize for my friends.  I know what Easter is.  Easter is when our lord and savior Jesus Christ was crucified under Pontius Pilate for the forgiveness of our sins.  He suffered, died, and was buried.  They put his body in a tomb and rolled a big stone in front of it.  On the third day,  the disciples rolled the rock away, and they saw Jesus Christ had risen from the dead in fulfillment of the scriptures..."
"That's an excellent answer!" St. Peter exclaimed.
"...and as he rose from the dead, Christ saw his shadow and we got six more weeks of winter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c5wrr/what_is_easter/
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I was going to make a scene when they told me I couldn't join the Easter Egg hunt...

...instead I just left without a Peep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c5v7f/i_was_going_to_make_a_scene_when_they_told_me_i/
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What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian bail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c5qom/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
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What has four legs and one arm?

An attack dog in an elementary school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c5jl5/what_has_four_legs_and_one_arm/
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A customer came into a shop and told the shop assistant that he wanted to buy a Kim Jong-il

Assistant: Excuse me, a what?
Customer: Oh sorry, I have trouble remembering the names of items, so I use word association. I want to buy a short ruler.
Assistant: Oh, a Nicolas Sarkozy. Why didn't you say so?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c5i2k/a_customer_came_into_a_shop_and_told_the_shop/
%
I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection"...

But she did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c5ftd/i_was_sitting_next_to_this_really_hot_thai_girl/
%
What is long, black and dangerous to cut into?

the line at KFC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c5eyt/what_is_long_black_and_dangerous_to_cut_into/
%
If someone on this sub discovers a new type of rock they should name it something funny.

Amirite?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c5blz/if_someone_on_this_sub_discovers_a_new_type_of/
%
What is a caveman's favourite audio compression algorithm?

OGG

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c5b3r/what_is_a_cavemans_favourite_audio_compression/
%
I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!

It only chills on Sundays!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c59rs/i_bought_an_official_craig_david_fridge_recently/
%
Why are germans so bad at marathons?

Because they cant finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c573c/why_are_germans_so_bad_at_marathons/
%
Gentleman

Despite the fact that I'm a gentleman, I have no luck with women, I just always seem to screw things up.
Recently I saw an attractive woman. I decided to open the doors for her. Unfortunately, she got sucked out of the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c4qle/gentleman/
%
How do drugs end up in prison?

They get smuggled in by some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c4po6/how_do_drugs_end_up_in_prison/
%
Why didn't Barbie get pregnant?

Because Ken came in a different box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c4phb/why_didnt_barbie_get_pregnant/
%
Why was the bicycle laying on the ground?

Because it was two-tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c4kgh/why_was_the_bicycle_laying_on_the_ground/
%
I'm not schizophrenic

*yes he is*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c4kb3/im_not_schizophrenic/
%
I finally got the confidence to be a peeping tom

For the longest time, I was just beating around the bush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c4jb7/i_finally_got_the_confidence_to_be_a_peeping_tom/
%
Why did the crematorium operator get a $500 bonus?

Because he'd urn-ed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c4gy7/why_did_the_crematorium_operator_get_a_500_bonus/
%
Why doesn't Jesus play first-person shooter games?

It takes him 3 days to respawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c4783/why_doesnt_jesus_play_firstperson_shooter_games/
%
One time I won a raffle in England, turns out it was for knighthood.

Boy was I Sir prized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c43pd/one_time_i_won_a_raffle_in_england_turns_out_it/
%
Jesus loves everyone. Except manicurists.

He always hated having his nails done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c41ks/jesus_loves_everyone_except_manicurists/
%
A guy goes to the doctor

Doctor: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating.
Guy: Really, doc?! Like, forever?
Doctor: No, just for a few minutes, so I can examine you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c414x/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
I asked a guy if he could hold my joke for me.

guy "Jokes aren't a thing, you can't hold them!"
me "Wow, just can't take a joke can you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3xni/i_asked_a_guy_if_he_could_hold_my_joke_for_me/
%
My girlfriend is mad at me

According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3rs1/my_girlfriend_is_mad_at_me/
%
Study Finds Birth Control Pills Linked to Fewer Severe Knee Injuries in Teen Girls...

This is easily explained by the fact that they spend less time on their knees, and more time on their backs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3rnf/study_finds_birth_control_pills_linked_to_fewer/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3qs4/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Why was the feminist picnic cancelled?

Because nobody made sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3qlx/why_was_the_feminist_picnic_cancelled/
%
What insect is the Wood Ant related to?

The Should Ant and the Could Ant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3pom/what_insect_is_the_wood_ant_related_to/
%
Hear about the time Mohammed's wife called him a pedophile?

Mohammed responded "Pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year old!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3pl4/hear_about_the_time_mohammeds_wife_called_him_a/
%
People are loving this whole 'birdie sanders' thing but...

i don't recall a similar reaction when bill clinton got a bird to come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3p4a/people_are_loving_this_whole_birdie_sanders_thing/
%
My friend said to me, what rhymes with orange

I said no, it certainly does not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3nu7/my_friend_said_to_me_what_rhymes_with_orange/
%
how do we know that jews crucified Jesus?

they used one nail for both legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3mly/how_do_we_know_that_jews_crucified_jesus/
%
A man with no arms or legs was at the beach

A woman was walking on the beach when she came upon a man with no arms or legs, lying on a beach towel spread out on the sand. He was in tears, which prompted her to ask him what was wrong.
"I've never been kissed," he replied. "Because I have no arms or legs." He looked at her and pleaded, "Will you kiss me?"
She leaned in and gave him a kiss. He then decided to press his luck. "I've also never been fucked. Will you fuck me?"
The woman nodded. His face lit up with joy. Then, she picked him up off the blanket, carried him into the water, and threw him in.
"Now you're fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3lep/a_man_with_no_arms_or_legs_was_at_the_beach/
%
Knock.

Knock knock.
Knock knock knock.
Knock knock knock knock knock.
Who's there?
Fibonacci.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3j7g/knock/
%
Do you know the difference between me and eggs?

Eggs get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3hpy/do_you_know_the_difference_between_me_and_eggs/
%
So I farted in an apple store

Everyone got mad so I said too bad you don't have windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3el8/so_i_farted_in_an_apple_store/
%
I just heard that there's going to be a Minecraft movie…

…it's gonna be a blockbuster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c3cnu/i_just_heard_that_theres_going_to_be_a_minecraft/
%
Did you know Avatar is a sequel to Titanic?

It picks up where Titanic left off, in the sense that half the cast is blue and dying.
Obligatory edit: Frontpage on /r/jokes! Wohooo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c36ns/did_you_know_avatar_is_a_sequel_to_titanic/
%
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye

Doyouthinkhesawus.
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes
Dontthinkhesawus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c35x2/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_with_one_eye/
%
Where do criminal spiders hang out?

The deep web

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c35eg/where_do_criminal_spiders_hang_out/
%
Lent joke to tell tomorrow for Easter

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....
and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The
Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become Catholic. After
several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the
Priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,
"You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the
wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called
immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a
rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat as he chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c2m7o/lent_joke_to_tell_tomorrow_for_easter/
%
A devout Christian is asked to evacuate in the face of coming floods.

Upon hearing an announcement on the radio that the levies have failed and flooding is imminent, the Christian decides not to evacuate because the Lord will surely protect him.
Well the storm comes and as it's pouring rain a police cruiser comes up making sure everyone is evacuated. He comes to the man's door and says 'sir, this is your last chance, evacuate now while the roads are still passable!"
"No need sir, the Lord will protect me."
The officer shrugs and drives away.
Well it starts to flood and as the water is reaching knee high, a FEMA worker rows up to the man's house in a canoe.
"Sir, come with me, i will take you to safety!"
"No need sir, the Lord will protect me!" the man replies from his second floor window.
The FEMA worker shrugs and paddles away.
The flooding gets worse now, and the man is forced to take refuge on his roof. A Helicopter piloted by the Red Cross comes to his house.
"Come with us, your house will be washed away soon!"
"no need, sir, the Lord will protect me!"
The helicopter flies off.
Well, as you might expect, the man's house was washed away and the man drowned. He arrives in heaven. The Lord greets him at the gates.
"My God, why did you not protect me?! I put my faith in you!" He wails miserably.
"What are you talking about my child?! i sent the police, a row boat, AND a helicopter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c2lir/a_devout_christian_is_asked_to_evacuate_in_the/
%
What do Caitlyn Jenner and WWII have in common?

The Battle of the Bulge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c2iix/what_do_caitlyn_jenner_and_wwii_have_in_common/
%
The orgy I hosted last night was a real letdown.

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c2i3f/the_orgy_i_hosted_last_night_was_a_real_letdown/
%
What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c2hvq/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_jesus/
%
I really enjoy fastening bits of metal together

It's riveting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c2fvg/i_really_enjoy_fastening_bits_of_metal_together/
%
What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies
Happy Easter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c2f11/what_do_you_get_if_you_pour_boiling_water_down_a/
%
What song would Kendrick Lamar sing if he was Native American?

"Bitch don't kill my tribe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c28po/what_song_would_kendrick_lamar_sing_if_he_was/
%
What is the best armor for sneaking?

Leather, it's made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c287b/what_is_the_best_armor_for_sneaking/
%
What happens when two lesbians build a house?

It's all tongue and groove, and no stud inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c24v7/what_happens_when_two_lesbians_build_a_house/
%
If there weren't any democrats...

then who would be left?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c1v47/if_there_werent_any_democrats/
%
Moses walks into a bar

And says "I'll just halve water"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c1u2j/moses_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a person with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c1s79/what_do_you_call_a_person_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
%
What's a seal's favorite class?

Art art art :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c1qg0/whats_a_seals_favorite_class/
%
I met my town's bishop at Easter mass today but I think he might be an imposter...

... he didn't move diagonally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c1pqo/i_met_my_towns_bishop_at_easter_mass_today_but_i/
%
What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest?

A clam bake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c1kj3/what_is_the_female_equivalent_of_a_sausage_fest/
%
I submitted 10 wordplays to a pun contest hoping one would win best quip...

But no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c1fyl/i_submitted_10_wordplays_to_a_pun_contest_hoping/
%
Why aren't there any pedophiles in Japan?

Because they learned what happens when you touch a little boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c1fdf/why_arent_there_any_pedophiles_in_japan/
%
If Bernie gets elected we should give him an honorary military rank.

Colonel sounds right to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c1bt1/if_bernie_gets_elected_we_should_give_him_an/
%
What does a cop and a dj have in common

They both tell drunk people to put their hands up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c13ns/what_does_a_cop_and_a_dj_have_in_common/
%
A poll was taken by 2,000 prostitutes asking if they would have sex with Ted Cruz.

91% said ‘Never Again”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c10p7/a_poll_was_taken_by_2000_prostitutes_asking_if/
%
My Mommy, the Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, So when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother, He replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, "Is that really true about your mother, dear?"
Nope," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that In front of the other kids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c0zdd/my_mommy_the_dancer/
%
My friends think I should stop telling jokes because my punchlines are always shit.

Shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c0xb3/my_friends_think_i_should_stop_telling_jokes/
%
I was reading earlier about a dwarf who got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c0vnm/i_was_reading_earlier_about_a_dwarf_who_got_pick/
%
My wife asked me what I wanted to do for Easter

So I told her "The same thing Jesus did. Disappear on Friday and come back on Sunday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c0ujm/my_wife_asked_me_what_i_wanted_to_do_for_easter/
%
All the mathematical functions went to a party...

There they saw the exponential function sitting by himself
They poked him, "c'mon man, join the party"
To which he replied, "it's not my fault, eveytime I try to integrate, I just end up with myself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c0rs5/all_the_mathematical_functions_went_to_a_party/
%
I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door.

My parents can be so rude...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c0r5q/i_went_by_the_house_i_grew_up_in_and_asked_if_i/
%
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c0lhi/i_buy_all_my_guns_from_a_guy_called_trex/
%
Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident.

Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.
Wife: Who is Sabrina?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c0jew/husband_babe_after_work_i_had_an_accident/
%
[Job interview]

"What are your strengths?"
Me: I fall in love easily.
"Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?"
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c0g7y/job_interview/
%
Life seems to be like a pushy boyfriend

Because even when I'm not in the mood I still seem to get fucked by it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c0dht/life_seems_to_be_like_a_pushy_boyfriend/
%
Why did the feminist fail algebra?

She couldn't solve inequalities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c0abl/why_did_the_feminist_fail_algebra/
%
A Roman Walks into a Bar

He holds up two fingers, and says "'l'll Have 5 Beers Please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c0a4n/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Sex with a Ghost

A visiting professor at Harvard University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands. "That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One Arab student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said ’goats’!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c09up/sex_with_a_ghost/
%
I went to that new sexy internet café

My server sure had a nice rack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c070a/i_went_to_that_new_sexy_internet_café/
%
I turned into a transformer last night...

And boy are my arms tires

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c06ei/i_turned_into_a_transformer_last_night/
%
How does Donald Trump plan to get rid of the mexicans?

Juan by Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bzz0u/how_does_donald_trump_plan_to_get_rid_of_the/
%
What's the difference between a sweatshirt and a jacket?

I don't sweatshirt 3 times a day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bzxwp/whats_the_difference_between_a_sweatshirt_and_a/
%
What do you call someone who's pretending to be from Sicily?

Amoxicillin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bzps8/what_do_you_call_someone_whos_pretending_to_be/
%
Dark humor is a lot like food...

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bzny2/dark_humor_is_a_lot_like_food/
%
Where does Peter Pan like to eat out?

Wendy's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bzmco/where_does_peter_pan_like_to_eat_out/
%
Why Do You Ask?

One day, a baby is born on an Native American reservation. A young boy witnessing the moment asks his father, "How do we name the members of our tribe?" The man tells his son, "Well you see, when a child is born, and the new mother and father walk outside with the newborn for the first time, it is named after the first animal they see. That is why your sister is named 'Soaring Eagle' and your brother is named 'Dancing Fox'. But why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bzm5h/why_do_you_ask/
%
How does the Terminator lose weight?

By counting Kylereese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bzjdj/how_does_the_terminator_lose_weight/
%
How does the Easter Bunny keep his ears standing straight up?

He uses Hare Spray...
(Ill see myself out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bzere/how_does_the_easter_bunny_keep_his_ears_standing/
%
Getting gilded is like losing your virginity

I have yet to experience it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bzepg/getting_gilded_is_like_losing_your_virginity/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bzcgi/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bzb1n/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
%
Mother in law 's test

A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Sons- in- law for their good nature.
For this she goes for a walk by a river with the first son in law & jumps in. He saves her.  Next morning he finds a Toyota corrola parked outside his house with note : from your Mother In Law.
Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son in law & jumps in. He too saves her.  Next morning he also finds a Toyota corrola parked outside his house with note : from your Mother In Law.
Next she goes for a walk by a river with the third son in law & jumps in. He just laughs and walks away.  Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note : from your Father In Law!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bz9li/mother_in_law_s_test/
%
What does Game of Thrones have in common with The Sixth Sense?

Icy Dead People

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bz9g0/what_does_game_of_thrones_have_in_common_with_the/
%
I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents.

I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bz8ji/im_12_feet_taller_than_my_grandparents/
%
Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

Because B-shells are too small, and D-shells are too big.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bz6xb/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_seashells/
%
It's fun being a philosophy major

I get to reflect on why I can't pay for food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bz103/its_fun_being_a_philosophy_major/
%
What's the first step in getting accepted to carpentry school?

Submitting a stool sample.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bysup/whats_the_first_step_in_getting_accepted_to/
%
I lost two things today...

Job in a morgue
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and virginity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4byr7k/i_lost_two_things_today/
%
What did Barack say to Michelle when he proposed?

"I don't wanna be Obama self"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bylxt/what_did_barack_say_to_michelle_when_he_proposed/
%
A Unit of Power Walks Into A Bar

Watt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4byke1/a_unit_of_power_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Please don't type Part A backwards

It's a trap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4byifv/please_dont_type_part_a_backwards/
%
Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic...

...and so am I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4byhvi/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue_im_schizophrenic/
%
What is the difference between a refrigerator and a gay man?

A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4by9cs/what_is_the_difference_between_a_refrigerator_and/
%
Trump and Cruz are fighting over whose dick is bigger and whose spouse is a bigger whore.

Two more contests Hillary will win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4by5or/trump_and_cruz_are_fighting_over_whose_dick_is/
%
I tried to catch some fog

But I mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4by0yy/i_tried_to_catch_some_fog/
%
In the library:

"Excuse me, where are the books about paranoia?"
"They are... right behind you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4by0ht/in_the_library/
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Religion is like a man's penis.

It's okay to have one, it's fine to be proud of it, but don't go around shoving it in people's faces and jamming it down children's throats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bxzk5/religion_is_like_a_mans_penis/
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My girlfriend broke up with me for making too many Linkin Park references.

It pushed me One Step Closer to the Edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bxy8e/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_for_making_too/
%
I once farted in an Apple Store and everyone got pissed..

It's not my fault they don't have Windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bxtk1/i_once_farted_in_an_apple_store_and_everyone_got/
%
What is the difference between complete and finished?

If you find the right woman, you're complete.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bxs50/what_is_the_difference_between_complete_and/
%
What's the difference between an original joke and a repost?

I dunno, i just click submit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bxqj5/whats_the_difference_between_an_original_joke_and/
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I've always wanted to own a funeral home....

With the slogan, "We love it when business is dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bxq63/ive_always_wanted_to_own_a_funeral_home/
%
I went shopping today...

I was shopping in Asda today and there was a weird looking child running around like a lunatic.
I said to the bloke standing next to me, "that is one ugly fucking kid."
He looked at me and snarled, "do you mind, that's my son over there."
I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were his dad."
He said, "I'm not his dad. I'm his mother!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bxlur/i_went_shopping_today/
%
My wife says she is really looking forward to the hotel...

But I have my reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bxixh/my_wife_says_she_is_really_looking_forward_to_the/
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A little girl came running into the house....

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider? " asked Mom.
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work! " she yelled.
"What do you mean? " asked Mom.
"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bxhsd/a_little_girl_came_running_into_the_house/
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If Trump wins the election, I am moving out of the country...

Goodbye America, hello Hawaii!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bxf16/if_trump_wins_the_election_i_am_moving_out_of_the/
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Why did the gymnast's account get sent to collections?

She had an outstanding balance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bx6lz/why_did_the_gymnasts_account_get_sent_to/
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What is the difference between a baby and a feminist?

Eventually, the baby grows up and stops crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bx6cn/what_is_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a/
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Jesus walks into a bar

and says "I'll just have water"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bx5v4/jesus_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Whats the difference between an original joke and a repost?

I dunno, i just click submit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bwzw9/whats_the_difference_between_an_original_joke_and/
%
Three Mexicans were in a car accident.

Three Mexicans are in the hospital, one of them wakes up and asks what happened?
The doctor says "that's what we'd like to know, you were in a car accident can you remember what happened before?"
The man tries to think back
"The group and I were at the bar and were heading home..."
"Juan was driving but he was too drunk to drive, so he said a prayer and asked Jesus to take the wheel"
Doctor: so you trusted in God to get you home safely?
"No, just Jesus, but he was also drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bwzmn/three_mexicans_were_in_a_car_accident/
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What do you call a bouncer at a gay club?

A flamethrower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bwwgc/what_do_you_call_a_bouncer_at_a_gay_club/
%
My friend told me he has developed a lung disease...

I told him to explain it to me asbestos he can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bwwca/my_friend_told_me_he_has_developed_a_lung_disease/
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Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: A table for 26, please.
Headwaiter:  But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.
Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bwui4/jesus_and_his_disciples_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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A battery's life sucks.

You're either working or you're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bwue0/a_batterys_life_sucks/
%
Interviewer asked me why I'd make a good waiter?

Me: You could say I...bring a lot to the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bwoqr/interviewer_asked_me_why_id_make_a_good_waiter/
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Why is everyone in an Internet café hungry?

Server Not Found.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bwikz/why_is_everyone_in_an_internet_café_hungry/
%
What do you call a circle of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins!
(Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bwhnp/what_do_you_call_a_circle_of_100_bills/
%
Bernie demands change...

whereas Hillary prefers cards or cheques.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bw9a6/bernie_demands_change/
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What do you get hanging from orange trees?

Sore arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bw6ld/what_do_you_get_hanging_from_orange_trees/
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Two old friends

Two former highschool friends run in to each other after 15 years. One guy never amounted to anything. The other guy is rich, wearing the finest fur, driving an expensive car and has a very pretty woman.
After some small talk, the poor guy asks the succesfull guy how he got so rich. 'Well' he says, 'because we have history i will let you in on my secret.
Each month I wil go up into to the mountains,  search for caves that have bears,  stand in front of them and yell: 'Bear! Come out if you dare!'
And if a bear comes out, i'll shoot it and sell the fur and meat for a lot of money.
The poor guy thanks his old friend, and they go their seperate way.
A month later the rich guy is walking down the street and sees the poor guy sitting in a wheelchair, arms and legs in plaster casts, bandages around his head, feet and hands and scratches all over his face.
'What happened?!' Asks the rich guy.
The poor guy says: 'I did exactly as you said!' I bought a shotgun, went into the mountains and found a cave. Stood in front of it and yelled: Bear! Come out if you dare!
Thats when I got run over by a train!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bw6l5/two_old_friends/
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Blonde and a lawyer on a plane

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bw5r0/blonde_and_a_lawyer_on_a_plane/
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So I was in bed with this woman and she said, "Not in the ass."

I said, "Hey, it’s my thumb, it’s my ass. If you don’t like it, go in the other room."
— Garry Shandling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bw10l/so_i_was_in_bed_with_this_woman_and_she_said_not/
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My mom asked me what I was doing for Easter ...

I said, "Same as Jesus.  Going out on Friday and coming back Sunday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bvyh3/my_mom_asked_me_what_i_was_doing_for_easter/
%
Have you heard about corduroy pillowcases?

They're making head lines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bvxkr/have_you_heard_about_corduroy_pillowcases/
%
What did the car-painter say to the carpenter?

"You sound just like me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bvwo6/what_did_the_carpainter_say_to_the_carpenter/
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So I heard Microsoft pulled the plug after their chat robot slung slurs, ripped Obama and denied the Holocaust...

I guess there wasn't enough room for two Trumps in the Republican party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bvr3l/so_i_heard_microsoft_pulled_the_plug_after_their/
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I just started volunteering at the library. We're putting on a fundraiser where we gather porn stars from all over the country and have them read as many books as they can in 60min to raise money for kids with jaundice

We're calling it the Golden SHH Hour.
(OC)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bvpb2/i_just_started_volunteering_at_the_library_were/
%
A Bilingual mexican dad was getting ready for work...

...and saw his son eating some cereal, but instead of milk there was a strange milk-like substance that smelled funny.
Dad: "what've you got there, son?"
Son: "cereal with soy milk."
Dad: "Hola Milk, soy tu padre!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bvlyo/a_bilingual_mexican_dad_was_getting_ready_for_work/
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A man goes into a job interview

A man, fresh out of college, goes into a job interview and presents himself well. The employer is shocked at how professional he is.
"Wow, you have an incredible resume, and you present yourself fantastically," he says. "Your present lack of experience in the professional world is unconcerning to me, and we'd love for you to join us. We'll pay you a living wage and provide you with high-quality health insurance."
The man was hired. He worked happily for the company for the next 40 years, over the course of which he quickly paid off his student debt, bought a nice home, and was consistently treated fairly and respectfully by his employer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bvfxu/a_man_goes_into_a_job_interview/
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What do you call a pothead that murders?

Stonedface killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bvckj/what_do_you_call_a_pothead_that_murders/
%
You're a unit of power Harry

"Im a watt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bvbr4/youre_a_unit_of_power_harry/
%
I've come into a lot of money lately...

It's a fetish I never knew I had until now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bv9ga/ive_come_into_a_lot_of_money_lately/
%
Two of my mom's sisters moved to the Alaskan wilderness.

it's a double aunt tundra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bv92y/two_of_my_moms_sisters_moved_to_the_alaskan/
%
TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bv7g2/til_that_kim_kardashians_giant_ass_has_its_own/
%
Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views...

...toddlers are the worst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bv3hg/last_year_52_americans_were_shot_by_people_who/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women...

With my dick in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bv1bi/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
Did you know, that pigeons die when they have sex?

At least the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4buvas/did_you_know_that_pigeons_die_when_they_have_sex/
%
And on Good Friday, I'm once again reminded that I'm a lonely virgin.

Even Jesus got nailed today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4buqys/and_on_good_friday_im_once_again_reminded_that_im/
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White Racist Joke

Three construction workers are on their lunch break. Black guy opens his lunch and says "I am sick and tired of fried chicken... If my wife gives me fried chicken tomorrow I swear to God I will jump off this building..."
Mexican guy opens his lunch and says "Tacos again?! I swear to Jesus if my wife gives me fuckin' tacos tomorrow I am swan diving off of this building."
White guy opens his lunch and goes "Steak and Potatoes... Steak and potatoes, four days in a row. If I get steak and potatoes again tomorrow I will kill myself."
The next day they all sit down again, black guy opens his lunch. Fried chicken he gets up and just jumps. Boom - D. E. D. Ded. Mexican guy opens his lunch. Fuckin' tacos, gets up jumps, dead. White guy opens his lunch, steak and potatoes, he gets up and jumps to his death.
All the wives gather after the services and the wife of the black guy says crying "if only I had given him something other than fried chicken he would still be here today!"
The wife of the Mexican guy says "If I had made him some thing else, perhaps tamales he would still be with us!"
They both turn and look at the wife of the white guy and she says "don't look at me, he made his own lunch..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4buqw0/white_racist_joke/
%
Two prostitutes are discussing the hazards of their job

One says, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No, but I've been slung around by the tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bupos/two_prostitutes_are_discussing_the_hazards_of/
%
When can a woman make you a millionaire?

When you're a billionaire
(Credit to Kevin Hart)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bup6i/when_can_a_woman_make_you_a_millionaire/
%
With elections coming soon, my coworker asked me who my favorite president was.

I said JFK, because he's so open-minded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bujf1/with_elections_coming_soon_my_coworker_asked_me/
%
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first

The leaf. The rope stopped the emo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bufs2/a_leaf_and_an_emo_fall_from_a_tree_who_hits_the/
%
I wanted to make sure my kids were safe when they are playing outside....

So I put an ISIS flag in my window.
Now my neighbors watch them 24/7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bub95/i_wanted_to_make_sure_my_kids_were_safe_when_they/
%
How does every racist joke start?

*looks around the room*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bu5kh/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
%
A guy was admitted to my local hospital yesterday where they found 6 plastic horses stuck in his ass.

The Doctor came out and described his status as Stable........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bu3oj/a_guy_was_admitted_to_my_local_hospital_yesterday/
%
I went to the doctor and said, "My penis is burning."

He said, "That means someone is talking about it."
- Garry Shandling. RIP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bu2ss/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_said_my_penis_is_burning/
%
What do characters at Disney World and strippers have in common?

No touching!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4btysf/what_do_characters_at_disney_world_and_strippers/
%
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?

One dumbass who never pulls out in time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4btqtm/what_does_a_burnt_pizza_a_frozen_beer_and_a/
%
Why did no one notice Thor's brother?

Because he was low-key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4btg6n/why_did_no_one_notice_thors_brother/
%
What's the difference between a neurotic, a psychotic and a psychotherapist?

Neurotic: the one who builds cloud-castles
Psychotic: the one who lives in a cloud-castle
Psychotherapist: the one who collects the rents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4btg4h/whats_the_difference_between_a_neurotic_a/
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Girl are you a dishwasher?

Because I would like to fill you with my dirty load in the evening, turn you on, and fall asleep before you finish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4btbxf/girl_are_you_a_dishwasher/
%
The train conductor

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal - three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bt78z/the_train_conductor/
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I was going to make a joke about salt ,but then i thought . . .

Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bt6tg/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_salt_but_then_i/
%
I think OJ Simpson should be on Dancing with the Stars...

I have a funny feeling he really knows how to cut a rug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bt3ct/i_think_oj_simpson_should_be_on_dancing_with_the/
%
A man calls in sick for work...

He tells his boss he can't come in because of an awful headache.
The boss says to him, "I can't let you have today off. You need to come in. You know what I do when I have a headache? I grab my wife, throw her on the bed, and have sex with her, no questions asked. Do that, feel better, and get your butt to work."
The employee calls back 30 min later and says, "you were right! I feel much better. Nice house btw..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bt0k2/a_man_calls_in_sick_for_work/
%
I got kicked out of the conga festival

I don't blame them. I was way out of line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bszj3/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_conga_festival/
%
What do you call it when Goku turns a greenish-blue?

Super Cyan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bsyq2/what_do_you_call_it_when_goku_turns_a_greenishblue/
%
What do you call a Lesbian with long fingers

Well Hung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bsrey/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_with_long_fingers/
%
If you want to know if a girl is into you, look at her feet.

If they point away from you she's not interested, if they're behind her ears she's very interested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bsqtb/if_you_want_to_know_if_a_girl_is_into_you_look_at/
%
I used to live right in the core of the Big Apple.

Unfortunately I had to move because it was a bit too seedy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bsm96/i_used_to_live_right_in_the_core_of_the_big_apple/
%
Who can't tell the difference between short and long?

This subreddit mods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bsl8q/who_cant_tell_the_difference_between_short_and/
%
All of Donald Trump's wives are foreigners...

Turns out there really are jobs American's won't do.
Source: Mitt Romney's response to an interviewer's question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bsbxl/all_of_donald_trumps_wives_are_foreigners/
%
Frustrated Prostitute.

There was this hard working prostitute who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bsa6y/frustrated_prostitute/
%
"Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip."

Me: Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip.
Dispatcher: Go ahead.
Me: Flossing daily reduces your risk of tooth decay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bs6xc/hello_police_id_like_to_report_an_anonymous_tip/
%
The last time we had a white Christmas, I made snow angels.

I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bs4fe/the_last_time_we_had_a_white_christmas_i_made/
%
You're approached by a stranger while walking your dog in the park.

The stranger says "That's an unusual looking dog."
You reply with "It's interbred."
Suddenly, a duck waddles up and says "Guess who else is into bread?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bs2oq/youre_approached_by_a_stranger_while_walking_your/
%
What's the worst part of having to break up with a Japanese girlfriend?

you have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bs292/whats_the_worst_part_of_having_to_break_up_with_a/
%
They say that a person's surname is named after whatever their ancestors did to make a living

I feel sorry for the guy who's dad was the first person to be called "Dickinson"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bs1eg/they_say_that_a_persons_surname_is_named_after/
%
Every 15 minutes, a woman gets run over.

She's starting to get pissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4brvgq/every_15_minutes_a_woman_gets_run_over/
%
A man goes into a job interview

, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4brgxo/a_man_goes_into_a_job_interview/
%
I just deleted all the German names from my phone

Now it's Hans free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4brgo7/i_just_deleted_all_the_german_names_from_my_phone/
%
My doctor gave me a prostate exam this morning...

...I really need to find a new dentist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4brg31/my_doctor_gave_me_a_prostate_exam_this_morning/
%
2 Antennas got married recently

The ceremony was shit, but the reception was just great

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4brehy/2_antennas_got_married_recently/
%
What's better than roses on a piano

Tulips on an organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bredf/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
A little boy and an old man are sitting on a park bench...

...The little boy unwraps a candy bar and eats it.  Then he eats a second one. And a third, fourth and fifth.
The old man, watching this, says "You shouldn't be eating so many candy bars.  You will ruin your teeth and get fat."
The little boy responded, "My Grandfather lived to be 102 years old."
The old man replied "Did your Grandfather eat 5 candy bars every day?"
The little boy said, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4brdv3/a_little_boy_and_an_old_man_are_sitting_on_a_park/
%
I invented a new word.

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4brckd/i_invented_a_new_word/
%
What did the grape say when it got crushed?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bralc/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_got_crushed/
%
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. It's a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4br7nz/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4br75q/i_love_the_way_the_earth_rotates/
%
Why does Spider-Man only drink Kool-aid?

Because with grape powder comes great responsibility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4br605/why_does_spiderman_only_drink_koolaid/
%
Where do animals go when their Tails fall off?

The Retail store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4br5bg/where_do_animals_go_when_their_tails_fall_off/
%
A couple are talking

Her: Come over. Him: I'm coming over. Her: We should really stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4br567/a_couple_are_talking/
%
I've developed a phobia of elevators

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4br3w0/ive_developed_a_phobia_of_elevators/
%
(NSFW) Jesus of Nazareth turn 18

So his dad Joseph takes him to a brothel for his birthday.
Upon arriving the madam presents all the lady's of easy virtue.
Time to become a man, says Joseph to Jesus. Pick a girl and follow her to her room. So Jesus picks a girl and follows her to her room.
Joseph, exited from all the pretty lady's, also decides to have a go at it. So he picks a girl and follows her to her room and gets busy.
Suddenly he hears chilling screams comming from Jesus' room. So he gets up and rushes over there. The door opens and the girl Jesus is with storms out, crying and screaming: "My career! All over!! It's all over!! Aaaaaahhhh!
Joseph, who is really startled, turns to Jesus and asks him what happened. So Jesus says: 'I walked into this room with that woman, she undressed herself,  got on the bed and spread her legs. Thats when I noticed she had a big open wound between her legs. So I laid my hand on it an said: 'You are healed!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4br300/nsfw_jesus_of_nazareth_turn_18/
%
What do O'douls and going down on your sister have in common? (NSFW)

It tastes the same but it's just not quite right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4br12p/what_do_odouls_and_going_down_on_your_sister_have/
%
Does anyone want a vacuum cleaner?

Mine's just gathering dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4br0fe/does_anyone_want_a_vacuum_cleaner/
%
A Mexican and a Doctor both build a house.

The houses are exactly the same and stand right next to each other.
After they are done the Mexican tells the doctor: "My house is much more valuable than your house", to which the Doctor replies: "Why should your house be more valuable? They are exactly the same."
&nbsp;
"Isn't that obvious? My house is next to a doctors house, while yours is next to a Mexicans house"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bqyjz/a_mexican_and_a_doctor_both_build_a_house/
%
Guys wife in horrible accident & now in a coma...

...& seems hopeless. However one of the nurses noticed slight movement when sponging her private parts & encouraged the husband to try & arouse her. Try a little oral sex is all, you never know. We'll give you privacy. So the husband goes in, but 2 minutes later the wife flat-lines & dies. The nurse runs in & asks what happened.
"I'm not positive, but I think she choked to death!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bqww0/guys_wife_in_horrible_accident_now_in_a_coma/
%
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bqtj4/what_do_you_call_a_bulletproof_irishman/
%
A woman is in an abusive relationship.

She's talking to her friend one day.  Her friend asks, "Why do you stay with him?"  She replies, "Beats me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bqowv/a_woman_is_in_an_abusive_relationship/
%
A blind guy goes into a bar.

He sits down at the bar and orders a drink.  "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?" he asks the bartender.  "Well, I'm a blonde, the bouncer's a blonde, the two guys sitting next to you are blonde, and so is the owner who's over there playing darts.  Do you still want to tell it?" she asks.  Then the blind guy says, "No, not if I have to explain it five times".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bqo1j/a_blind_guy_goes_into_a_bar/
%
What do boobs and margaritas have in common?

One is not enough and three is to many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bqfnw/what_do_boobs_and_margaritas_have_in_common/
%
What do you call an eskimo with no friends?

An iglooser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bq680/what_do_you_call_an_eskimo_with_no_friends/
%
TIFU by going to Subway instead of Quiznos

Oops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bq4u5/tifu_by_going_to_subway_instead_of_quiznos/
%
An old lady with terrible gas goes to the doctor

She says "Doctor, I have terrible gas all the time. Luckily my flatulence is silent and it doesn't have an odor, but it's still embarrassing to me. Can you help?"
The doctor gives her a prescription and tells her to take two pills twice a day for two weeks and then come back to see him. After two weeks, she returns.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me but it didn't help at all! In fact, I still have just as much gas but now is smells absolutely disgusting!"
The doctor nods and says "Okay, now that your sinuses have cleared up, we can get you some hearing aids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bq0es/an_old_lady_with_terrible_gas_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
I had to go into the Dr's today for a regular check up, & I get in there & he pulls down my pants & started jamming his finger in my ass...

Yea I guess it's time for a new dentist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bpxvn/i_had_to_go_into_the_drs_today_for_a_regular/
%
I asked my mom if I was pretty or ugly

She said both, Im pretty ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bpxjy/i_asked_my_mom_if_i_was_pretty_or_ugly/
%
What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bpvk5/whats_the_best_way_to_break_up_with_your/
%
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket.

She thinks to herself, 'Some asshole's got my pen.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bpv66/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
%
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

The woman in church has hope in her soul.
Heard it on "The Forbidden Room" on Netflix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bpu84/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_in_church/
%
What kind of papers do dogs write?

A ruff draft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bptzh/what_kind_of_papers_do_dogs_write/
%
Three Bulls

Three bulls are out in a field one day, chewing on some cud.
The first bull, the largest, says "I heard there's a new bull coming in."
The second bull, not quite as large, says " I heard the same thing!"
The third bull, smaller by quite a bit, says "Me too!"
The first bull speaks up again and says "Well, he's not getting any of my cows."  The second bull says the same thing and the third bull says "I only have two."
Just then, the old farmer's truck comes rumbling down the road.  It stops and out pops the BIGGEST, BADDEST, STRONGEST BULL any of them had ever seen.
Mid chew, the first bull says " I guess I can spare one or two." The second bull says "Me too." But the third bull, the smallest of the three, starts to paw at the ground, and toss his horns in the air and starts flaring his nostrils.
The second bull asks "You're not going to fight him, are you?"
And he says "No! I making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bpsih/three_bulls/
%
What do you feed an autistic donkey?

Ass burgers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bpqgm/what_do_you_feed_an_autistic_donkey/
%
Science flies you to the moon

Religion flies you into buildings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bpp8w/science_flies_you_to_the_moon/
%
Bob works hard

at the office but spends two nights each week bowling,
and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bpmnd/bob_works_hard/
%
How long does an owl live?

six and a half books.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bph5l/how_long_does_an_owl_live/
%
Where do cats go to vacation?

Meowi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bph1l/where_do_cats_go_to_vacation/
%
There's a legless and armless girl sitting on the beach

It's her 20th birthday, and she had her parents situate her on the beach so she could meet a special guy.
She sees a very attractive man run past and she start loudly crying. He stops and asks what's wrong. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never had a hug from a real man." The man sit down next to her and gives her a hug. She continues to cry and he asks what's wrong now. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never been kissed by a real man." The man plants a kiss on her lips. She cries even harder. He asks what's wrong a third time. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never been fucked."
The man picks up the girl in his arm and walks towards the ocean. He throws her as far as he can into the water and says, "Now you're fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bpazs/theres_a_legless_and_armless_girl_sitting_on_the/
%
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero. The other is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bp829/whats_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
%
An Indian tracker puts his ear to the ground

And says "buffalo come." Amazed, his clients ask how he knows. He rubs his ear and says "hmm sticky."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bp6m4/an_indian_tracker_puts_his_ear_to_the_ground/
%
Cracked a joke about the Titanic.

Went down well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bp5dd/cracked_a_joke_about_the_titanic/
%
Gender inequality.

There is an inequality when it comes to men and women. For example...
If a man sleeps with hundreds of women he is respected and labled as a stud or a player. Nothing bad is said about him and he goes on acting like the player he is.
However, if a woman that goes around sleeping with hundreds of men, she's your mum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bp2fu/gender_inequality/
%
Why are people supporting Donald Trump?

Because he has what plants crave; electrolytes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bomh0/why_are_people_supporting_donald_trump/
%
Why did the arena get hot after the game?

All of the fans left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bol6b/why_did_the_arena_get_hot_after_the_game/
%
I don't understand why whiteboards don't get more recognition..

If you think about, they truly are re-markable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4boj0y/i_dont_understand_why_whiteboards_dont_get_more/
%
A man is going hunting

He goes up to his wife and says "I'm going hunting. You can either come with, let me fuck you in the ass, or suck my dick." She is pondering on the choices for a moment and he says "I'll go get the dogs and you tell me your decision when I get back". He leaves and after five minutes when he comes back she says "well I'm not going hunting and I won't do anal, so I'll blow you". She pulls down his pants and begins giving him oral pleasure when she stops and says "you cock taste like shit!" He says "Yeah, the dogs didn't want to go hunting either"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bohkp/a_man_is_going_hunting/
%
(Slightly NSFW) The crime rate in medieval times

A renowned knight, known for the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum Stance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bog78/slightly_nsfw_the_crime_rate_in_medieval_times/
%
What are stories about oranges?

Pulp Fiction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bo5gv/what_are_stories_about_oranges/
%
What does a girl want more than anything?

Nothing. She is fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bo5ck/what_does_a_girl_want_more_than_anything/
%
My lesbian friend asked me how I view Lesbian Relationships

Apparently, in HD wasn't an appropriate answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bo3sj/my_lesbian_friend_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
%
What does a flying rabbit has on his back?

An eagle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bo38b/what_does_a_flying_rabbit_has_on_his_back/
%
Why did the cow get a divorce?

Because she couldn't take her husbands bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bntnt/why_did_the_cow_get_a_divorce/
%
Scientists vs God

One day the Worlds greatest scientists go to God
"God, we no longer need you, we have evolved to a point were we can create life even better then you."
"Oh, really?" God replied "A challenge then! Who ever can create the perfect being in one day from dust wins!"
"Fair enough" Replied the scientists, reaching down and grabbing a handful of dust, "From dust!"
"No no no! Get your own dust!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bnszk/scientists_vs_god/
%
My new thesaurus is terrible!

Not only that but it's also terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bnpvu/my_new_thesaurus_is_terrible/
%
A man passes away...

A man passes away and his funeral is set to be held in his hometown where one of his sons lives. The other, a wealthy businessman, unfortunately can't make it to the ceremony so instead he offers to pay for the entire thing. A few months later, the businessman is looking over his finances and notices a recurring bill of $120 a month. Confused, he called up his brother and asks him if he knows anything about it.
"Oh yeah" the brother replies. "Dad always wanted to go out in style so we rented him a tuxedo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bnoeh/a_man_passes_away/
%
"I am the young brother, let me through"

A man rushed to a gathering at an accident scene. Unable to see the victim because of the crowd the man said,"I am the young brother, let me through" The crowd looked at the man & paved the way silently.At the centre lay a donkey which had been hit by a car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bnl93/i_am_the_young_brother_let_me_through/
%
Say what you will against pedophiles, but at least...

they drive slowly in school zones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bnhvr/say_what_you_will_against_pedophiles_but_at_least/
%
If you're American before you go to the bathroom and American after. What are you when you're in the bathroom?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bnhdo/if_youre_american_before_you_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
Why do fish always have c-sections?

Because they can't have land sections

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bnh3q/why_do_fish_always_have_csections/
%
My fourth grade teacher told the class to go outside and sit Indian style...

so I drank a bottle of vodka and passed out in the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bndnb/my_fourth_grade_teacher_told_the_class_to_go/
%
There once was a fellow McSweeny

Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bnbrt/there_once_was_a_fellow_mcsweeny/
%
What did granny say after leaving her handbag on a bus?

"Allahu Akbar!"
I'm going to hell for this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bnb1g/what_did_granny_say_after_leaving_her_handbag_on/
%
What's the difference between a Zippo and a hippo ?

Ones a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bn8us/whats_the_difference_between_a_zippo_and_a_hippo/
%
A Bear walks into a bar in Butte...

Walks up to the Bartender and says "Gimme a beer"
Bartender says "No way, get out! We don't serve beers to bears in bars in Butte!"
Drunk woman at the end of the bar says "You heard the man bear, get out!"
Bear says again "I'm asking nicely, please give me a beer"
Bartender says "No! I told you, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Butte, so go away!"
Drunk woman at the end of the bar hiccups and says "He told you bear, now jush get outta heeere"
Bear says "Ok, one last time, before something bad happens. Give. Me. A. Beer."
Bartender says "NO, we do not serve beers to bears in bars in Butte!
Drunk woman slurs "Ya bear, get outta tha bar"
Bear walks over to the drunk woman, bites her head off in in one huge chomp, walks back over to the Bartender and says "So you gonna give me that beer now, or what?"
Bartender says "Bear, I told you, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Butte, especially not bears on drugs!"
The Bear says "Drugs? What do you mean? I'm not on drugs"
Bartender says "Well, that was a Barbiturate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bn3qv/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar_in_butte/
%
Why do Scarecrows Make Great Rocket Scientists?

...because they're out-standing in their field!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bn18e/why_do_scarecrows_make_great_rocket_scientists/
%
What's little, brown, and found in the woods?

Winnies' pooh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bmyq6/whats_little_brown_and_found_in_the_woods/
%
I recently wrote a book about poltergeists....

They're flying off the shelves!!!
(Credit goes to jimmy Carr on that one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bmt7d/i_recently_wrote_a_book_about_poltergeists/
%
What's the difference between your mom and a mosquito?

Your mom doesn't stop sucking when I smack her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bmsb2/whats_the_difference_between_your_mom_and_a/
%
Made the mistake of letting my east coast newspaper freeze on the steps this winter...

I've fallen on some hard Times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bmozd/made_the_mistake_of_letting_my_east_coast/
%
Got talking to a North African girl

I got talking to a North African girl in her native language for hours, we just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bmoay/got_talking_to_a_north_african_girl/
%
On his first day, my gay friend lost his job at the sperm bank.

He was caught drinking on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bmj22/on_his_first_day_my_gay_friend_lost_his_job_at/
%
Do you know why one side is longer than the other when birds fly in a "V" formation?

Because there are more birds on that side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bmhwm/do_you_know_why_one_side_is_longer_than_the_other/
%
My sphincter is a lumberjack.

He cuts logs in half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bmgrm/my_sphincter_is_a_lumberjack/
%
I asked my wife if we could have sex even though she was on her period..

...she said she may be able to pull some strings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bmfba/i_asked_my_wife_if_we_could_have_sex_even_though/
%
Harry and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become a hooker...

She's not sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of the bar and pick up a guy.  Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not in front of the bar for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up in a car and says, "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "Shit.  All I've got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for $30?"
Harry says, "A hand job."
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips up his pants, and out pops a huge cock.
She stares at it for a minute and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bmdtw/harry_and_his_wife_are_having_hard_times_so_they/
%
Why did Adele cross the road?

So she could say hello from the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bmcsr/why_did_adele_cross_the_road/
%
So I got a phone call from the post office today...

...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bmckx/so_i_got_a_phone_call_from_the_post_office_today/
%
The first thing I do in the shower is wash my asshole.

Just wanna get that shit out of the way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bmbb4/the_first_thing_i_do_in_the_shower_is_wash_my/
%
A limbo champion walks into a bar

And loses his title.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bm9p3/a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a fashion designer, who is not yet sure about his new collection?

Tommy Hilfigeritout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bm6g6/what_do_you_call_a_fashion_designer_who_is_not/
%
Programming humour

!false
It's funny because it's true.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bm46s/programming_humour/
%
If Trump was in any political party...

He'd be in the Whig party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bm2rg/if_trump_was_in_any_political_party/
%
A man walks into a bookstore...

A man walks into a bookstore and asks an employee if they have Donald Trump's new book on immigration. The employee, an immigrant himself, said, "fuck you, get out and stay out!"
The man replied, "yeah. Do you have it in paperback?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bm1r6/a_man_walks_into_a_bookstore/
%
Why did the left alt key and the right alt key break up?

They needed some space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4blv3v/why_did_the_left_alt_key_and_the_right_alt_key/
%
What does a cannibalistic homosexual sailor eat?

Semen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bluut/what_does_a_cannibalistic_homosexual_sailor_eat/
%
What do you call two ants running away?

Antelope!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4blr98/what_do_you_call_two_ants_running_away/
%
Why have the French had so many civil wars

so they can win one now and again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4blq9y/why_have_the_french_had_so_many_civil_wars/
%
My stoner neighbors got divorced

but it's okay because they got joint custody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bloo7/my_stoner_neighbors_got_divorced/
%
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4blcik/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_my_very_first_day/
%
A woman adopted a foul-mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained.

The shelter told her the bird lived in a whorehouse for the last decade. When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said, "Hi Phil, welcome back."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bl8sb/a_woman_adopted_a_foulmouthed_bird_because_he_was/
%
The Welsh people were the first people to invent the condom by using sheep's intestine.

The English later improved the concept by removing it from the sheep first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bkzx8/the_welsh_people_were_the_first_people_to_invent/
%
What do you call little kids in Belgium?

Brusselsprouts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bkysw/what_do_you_call_little_kids_in_belgium/
%
I've got the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bkxlv/ive_got_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
If Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders were stuck on an island, who would survive?

America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bkv08/if_donald_trump_hillary_clinton_and_bernie/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bkulu/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I once swallowed a piece of string and it came out tied.

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bktq2/i_once_swallowed_a_piece_of_string_and_it_came/
%
A girl once said to me, "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate"

I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry"
- Doug Stanhope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bkt61/a_girl_once_said_to_me_you_know_if_god_intended/
%
A Nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

...and says "some asshole's got my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bkrq9/a_nurse_finds_a_rectal_thermometer_in_her_pocket/
%
What do you get 18 years after fucking your sister?

A vote for Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bknma/what_do_you_get_18_years_after_fucking_your_sister/
%
A man washes up on a deserted beach...

He coughs up some water and tries to find himself some civilization. He walk around until it becomes apparent he is alone on an island except for a pig and a dog, both of which are strangely domesticated. Oh well, time to Robinson Crusoe the shit out of this island.
He starts a fire. Builds himself a hut. Starts a sizeable garden so he won't have to eat Ms. Oinky.
Time passes. He starts "getting lonely." Manual release stops being quite so gratifying. Ms. Oinky starts to look a lot more attractive. He resists because it's wrong. It's disgusting. But in the end he couldn't resist. He walked up behind Ms. Oinky, feeling terrible about himself. He lowered his tattered pants...all of a sudden the dog went batshit crazy. It charged right at him barking and snapping. It was inches away from biting his dick. The guy runs away and the dog immediately calms back down. The guy damn near has a heart attack and decides to get back to the whole island survival thing.
He makes some crude tools out of rocks. Digs an irrigation ditch for his garden. Starts work on a rudimentary still.
But soon, he starts to feel urges again. His hands are rough and calloused, sore from long days of hard labor (and a lot of masturbation). Ms. Oinky starts looking good again.
This time he plans it. He walks to the far side of the island with the dog. They play fetch for an hour. The dog finally collapses on the beach, having a happy dog nap. The man sneaks away back to where he left Ms. Oinky. He steps behind her. Lowers his pants. Closes his eyes and tries to remember what boobs look like.
Then out of fucking nowhere that damn dog EXPLODES out of the bushes, barking his damn head off. The guy sets a new world record for pulling up pants. What the fuck is up with that dog?
The next day a plane crashes off the shore. It hit pretty hard, and none of the doors opened so the guy assumed there were no survivors. He decides to swim out to it and see if he can find anything worthwhile to salvage. Inside it's kind of dark, but somehow he stumbles onto an unconscious survivor. He swims them back to shore, and in the middle of CPR he notices the survivor is a woman, and she is HOT. Not just hot like any woman would be hot to a guy who's been trapped on a deserted island for months would be hot, like objectively gorgeous.
The babe coughs a couple of times and looks around. She grasps the situation pretty quickly and says some of the usual damsel in distress stuff, "Oh my hero! you saved my life! I'll do anything to repay you."
The guy was kind of zoning out while staring at her --I mean, it's been awhile since he's seen anyone, let alone anyone so gorgeous-- but that last sentence snaps him back to reality. "Wait," he replied, "you'd do *anything*?"
She looks back at him seductively (well, as seductively and someone who was just damn near drowned could...which in her case was still pretty fucking seductive) and said "Anything."
He gave her another good long look. Then said, "Great! Do me a favor and hold that dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bkj5u/a_man_washes_up_on_a_deserted_beach/
%
What do Australians use for sun burns?

Aloe, mate.
I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bkj5h/what_do_australians_use_for_sun_burns/
%
I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises...

The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."
I said, "Yes, that's the one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bkh1u/i_went_to_the_library_and_asked_if_they_had_the/
%
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year.
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bkg17/why_does_santa_claus_have_such_a_big_sack/
%
I met a one-legged waitress at IHOP...

Her name was Ilene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bkdgl/i_met_a_onelegged_waitress_at_ihop/
%
You know what I hate?

People that start their statements with rhetorical questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bkbp2/you_know_what_i_hate/
%
Being good at sports and being good at beastiality isn't all that different.

You just gotta get your head in the game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bk220/being_good_at_sports_and_being_good_at/
%
I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bjv9x/i_just_successfully_pulledoff_the_key_to_comedy/
%
Saudi TV Mistake

Saudi Arabia TV reported the Brussels attack 15 minutes earlier than it actually happened. Saudi TV sincerely apologizes for this innocent mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bjo1d/saudi_tv_mistake/
%
Computers and taxis are surprisingly similar.

They both crash when the drivers stop working.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bjo17/computers_and_taxis_are_surprisingly_similar/
%
When is the earliest time of day Nintendo fans play games?

The Wii hours of the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bjnjy/when_is_the_earliest_time_of_day_nintendo_fans/
%
Marriage is like Comcast.

Frustrating as hell and once a month you get screwed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bjlkz/marriage_is_like_comcast/
%
Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bjktz/why_did_the_picture_go_to_jail/
%
Why do pedophiles finish last in races?

They're always coming in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bjhb1/why_do_pedophiles_finish_last_in_races/
%
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?

I heard he was diploid.
(I'll show myself out...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bj7ca/did_you_hear_about_the_zygote_that_joined_the_army/
%
Plans for Easter

Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus..
Wife: What do you mean ??
Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bj6ky/plans_for_easter/
%
"Batman, we need your help in Brussels immediately."

"Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bj5z4/batman_we_need_your_help_in_brussels_immediately/
%
A good book is like a good puppy.

Easy to pick up but hard to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bj3sa/a_good_book_is_like_a_good_puppy/
%
When Dianna died, the British put up a memorial

All France got was a slow down sign

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bizjw/when_dianna_died_the_british_put_up_a_memorial/
%
My Doctor told me I had to stop masturbating.

Apparently it was making it difficult to complete the exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4biwta/my_doctor_told_me_i_had_to_stop_masturbating/
%
If you factor in Trumps ancestry, his policies make perfect sense.

The German side says "Build a wall!"
The Scottish side says "Well im not paying for it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bivsa/if_you_factor_in_trumps_ancestry_his_policies/
%
How does the Hulk make money?

He flips houses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4biufm/how_does_the_hulk_make_money/
%
How Do You Embarrass An Archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bismm/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archaeologist/
%
I'm not a fan of NASCAR

but I hear it's popular in some circles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bis4k/im_not_a_fan_of_nascar/
%
What do you call a Mexican in Canada?

ACCOMPLISHED. They crossed two borders!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bir1w/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_in_canada/
%
Islam is a peaceful religion

A piece over there, a piece over there, a piece over here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bik1l/islam_is_a_peaceful_religion/
%
Why didn't Cinderella makes the Soccer Team?

She kept running away from the ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bi8xt/why_didnt_cinderella_makes_the_soccer_team/
%
What do a good joke and a child with cancer have in common?

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bi7uu/what_do_a_good_joke_and_a_child_with_cancer_have/
%
Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road

. Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car.
The chauffeur has no time to react, and runs over it, giving it instant death.
The chauffeur stops the car, gets out and looks around. He spots a small farm-house in the distance. Donald says to his chauffeur, "You should at least tell them that you've killed the pig"
The chauffeur does as he's told.
A couple of hours later, the chauffeur stumbles out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss-marks and a bottle of champagne in each hand.
As he stumbles to the passenger side window, Donald exclaims, "Jesus, what did you tell them?"
"Exactly what you told me boss...Hi I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur and I've just killed the pig...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bi7dd/donald_trump_and_his_chauffeur_are_driving_on_a/
%
Old Man John wins a contest at the bar...

Old Man John hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bi4kv/old_man_john_wins_a_contest_at_the_bar/
%
What falls faster from a tree? A leaf or an emo?

The leaf, the rope stops the emo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bi2h7/what_falls_faster_from_a_tree_a_leaf_or_an_emo/
%
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "I'll give you a drink if you tell me a meta-joke." The guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a drink if you tell me a meta-joke." The guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "Here you go" and gives him a drink." So the bartender gives the guy a drink." So the bartender gives the guy a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bi17w/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_drink/
%
Me and a North African girl spoke in her native language for hours...

We just clicked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhwp9/me_and_a_north_african_girl_spoke_in_her_native/
%
Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of the dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhv23/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
%
If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on?

The Ex-Men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhurd/if_caitlyn_jenner_were_a_super_hero_what_team/
%
Say what you will about terrorism in Europe

At least our planes take off and land at an airport.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhu00/say_what_you_will_about_terrorism_in_europe/
%
Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells for a bra?

Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhrie/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_seashells_for_a/
%
Why did the vampire pull out?

He needed permission to come inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhp5x/why_did_the_vampire_pull_out/
%
What do you call an angry German?

Sauerkraut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhows/what_do_you_call_an_angry_german/
%
Two cows are standing in a barn.

Cow 1: Hey, did you hear about the big outbreak of mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhjc1/two_cows_are_standing_in_a_barn/
%
I remember once I threw a boomerang

It never came back so I've learned to live in constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhhx5/i_remember_once_i_threw_a_boomerang/
%
The man who invented auto-correct has died.

May he restaurant in piece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhho1/the_man_who_invented_autocorrect_has_died/
%
Say what you want about Olympic Skiing Events....

.....but most of that sport is going downhill fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhh7f/say_what_you_want_about_olympic_skiing_events/
%
A Dutch and a Belgian are sitting in a bar, watching the evening news.

They see a woman ready to jump from the 6th floor, shouting "I'm going to jump, I'm going to jump!". The Dutch says: "I bet she's gonna jump." The Belgian replies: "And I bet she won't." So they bet, and the woman jumps. Then the Dutch tells the Belgian: "I have to confess that I cheated, as I already saw it on the 1pm news." - "Me too", says the Belgian, "I saw it on the 1pm news already. But I did not think that she would be stupid enough to jump twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhgfu/a_dutch_and_a_belgian_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.

The husband has a plan.
He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."
About one fourth of the guests stands up.
He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."
Another one fourth of the guests stands up.
He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhdec/a_husband_and_wife_grow_distressed_as_more_and/
%
Adam says to Eve...

"I wear the plants in this relationship!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhd9s/adam_says_to_eve/
%
Why are New Yorkers so depressed?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhcyg/why_are_new_yorkers_so_depressed/
%
What is the best thing about having sex with a transgender?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhctm/what_is_the_best_thing_about_having_sex_with_a/
%
Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bh882/why_do_pencils_shave/
%
Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers fight for nicest person ever. Who wins?

They both share the trophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bh7sw/bob_ross_and_mr_rogers_fight_for_nicest_person/
%
What is Gordon Ramsay's favourite film?

It's fucking Frozen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bh72d/what_is_gordon_ramsays_favourite_film/
%
Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Because there is a "b" in both and an 'n' in neither.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bh4rx/why_is_a_raven_like_a_writing_desk/
%
Why do gay men have good fashion sense?

Because of all the time they spent in the closet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bh2rs/why_do_gay_men_have_good_fashion_sense/
%
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.

So I choose not to post it this time around
( Edited when I only had 27)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bh221/i_had_a_joke_about_time_travel_but_you_guys_didnt/
%
What do designers of gum call new flavors from old ingredients?

ex-spearmints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bh1re/what_do_designers_of_gum_call_new_flavors_from/
%
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg

I said to him: "I bet I know what your favourite holiday is."
He said: "You've got to love Easter, baby."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bgzee/i_saw_arnold_schwarzenegger_eating_a_chocolate_egg/
%
Why does Bank of America not have a backspace on the ATM keypad?

Because America is never wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bgyi2/why_does_bank_of_america_not_have_a_backspace_on/
%
A priest and a rabbi are walking and spot a little boy

The priest says, "let's fuck him."
The rabbi says, "out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bgtgo/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_walking_and_spot_a/
%
Whats the difference between normal barbie and divorced barbie?

The divorced barbie is $399 because it comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture, etc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bgr3l/whats_the_difference_between_normal_barbie_and/
%
Never trust Atoms

They make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bgqqw/never_trust_atoms/
%
Do you know how electricity works?

The truth may shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bgpx2/do_you_know_how_electricity_works/
%
What kind of fun do priests have?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bgpfd/what_kind_of_fun_do_priests_have/
%
My daughter was playing hopscotch by herself...

So my daughter was playing hopscotch, and recited the words "*Step on a crack, and break your mother's back"
And then my wife's back bent over, I then shouted at her to stop playing, but she continued and then recited "*Step on a line and break your father's spine*"
And then the neighbor next door shouted in agony with his back bent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bgnmv/my_daughter_was_playing_hopscotch_by_herself/
%
John Cena woke up in the hospital

with no idea
of what was going on.
The nurse walked in and
he asked "Where am I?"
She responded "ICU"
He
said "No you don't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bgjox/john_cena_woke_up_in_the_hospital/
%
I slept like a baby last night

2 hours of sleep and a whole lot of crying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bgiuv/i_slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
%
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bghk9/i_lent_a_hot_girl_my_umbrella_yesterday/
%
Guy gets pulled over by a cop at midnight:

"And where are you rushing to sir?"
"Officer, I'm attending a lecture on drinking and driving."
"Is that so? Who is giving a lecture at this time of the night?"
"My wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bgcph/guy_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop_at_midnight/
%
I finally understood the end of the 6th Sense

All those names at the end were people who worked on the movie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bg386/i_finally_understood_the_end_of_the_6th_sense/
%
Why do cannibals love eating people with epilepsy?

Because their favorite side dish is Seizure Salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bg2v9/why_do_cannibals_love_eating_people_with_epilepsy/
%
I laughed at a lot of the posts here on Reddit.

They /r/jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bg1b6/i_laughed_at_a_lot_of_the_posts_here_on_reddit/
%
A young boy runs to his dad and says, "Dad! There's water in the carburetor of the car!"...

"How can you be so sure?" The father asks.
"I just know there is." Replied the son.
"Do you even know what a carburetor is?"
"No." Said the boy.
"Ok, where is the car?"
"In the lake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bg14g/a_young_boy_runs_to_his_dad_and_says_dad_theres/
%
What does electron and proton say when they go to war?

Chaaaarge!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bfz24/what_does_electron_and_proton_say_when_they_go_to/
%
What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?

A 1 in 3,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bfy1x/what_do_a_sperm_and_a_lawyer_have_in_common/
%
I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that i have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bfu46/i_have_an_epipen/
%
I got a haircut recently.

I thought it was too short at first, but it's started to grow on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bfs8s/i_got_a_haircut_recently/
%
My penis has a warning label...

It says "Warning! Choking hazard...small parts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bfpfe/my_penis_has_a_warning_label/
%
You hear about the guy who lost his eyelid in an accident?

They used his foreskin for a skin graft. He turned out just fine, but he was a little cock eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bfp8u/you_hear_about_the_guy_who_lost_his_eyelid_in_an/
%
I was speaking to an African child in her native language.

We just clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bfl1b/i_was_speaking_to_an_african_child_in_her_native/
%
What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween?

Free delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bfkya/what_is_a_pedophiles_favorite_part_about_halloween/
%
What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeño business :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bffa4/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
%
What's the best reason to date a pornstar?

You never have to meet her father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bfewr/whats_the_best_reason_to_date_a_pornstar/
%
How can your make 7 even?

Take away the "S"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bf8et/how_can_your_make_7_even/
%
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said,"Son that's three schools this year.

Maybe teaching isn't for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bf7pa/my_son_was_thrown_out_of_school_today_for_letting/
%
There are two ways to keep a marriage happy and without quarrel

But nobody knows them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bf4vx/there_are_two_ways_to_keep_a_marriage_happy_and/
%
I was told to drink a lot of Perrier

My fizzy eau therapist insists on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bf30d/i_was_told_to_drink_a_lot_of_perrier/
%
Why did the man become a baker?

He kneaded the dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bf20e/why_did_the_man_become_a_baker/
%
How did Donald Trump get the redneck vote?

Well, he *did* say he'd date his daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bf1rn/how_did_donald_trump_get_the_redneck_vote/
%
Why did my semen cross the road?

Because the chicken crossed the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bezci/why_did_my_semen_cross_the_road/
%
I discovered I have a logic fetish, and now I can't stop coming to conclusions.

[Credit](https://www.reddit.com/r/fifthworldproblems/comments/4bckvs/i_discovered_i_have_a_logic_fetish_and_now_i_cant/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bez0t/i_discovered_i_have_a_logic_fetish_and_now_i_cant/
%
The cops raided our house and set off my epilepsy...

Talk about a search and seizure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bexh9/the_cops_raided_our_house_and_set_off_my_epilepsy/
%
How does a black girl know shes pregnant?

When all the cotton is picked off her tampon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bet6k/how_does_a_black_girl_know_shes_pregnant/
%
You know what's Obama doing right now?

He's Havana good time (sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4belis/you_know_whats_obama_doing_right_now/
%
A short guide to extreme BDSM

Some couples like what they have. Others want to experiment. This is a quick and simple (and dirty) tutorial for some extreme [BDSM](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM) play in a young couple's bedroom.
As far as special equipment goes... well, it'll become obvious as you read.
Step zero is deciding upon a safeword. Or several, just in case.
1. Tie your partner/sub to a chair. Firmly, but be sure not to cut off bloodstream. Soft rope, long pieces of cloth or velcro restraints all work. Just keep scissors at hand to cut through the restraint if it is needed.
2. Gag their mouth. Clean cloth or actual ball-gag, doesn't matter.
3. Start smooth jazz and begin some gentle foreplay.
4. After several minutes, take a break from that, grab their laptop and put it in front of them.
5. Start installing Windows Vista.
6. When the installation is finished, install McAfee Free Antivirus.
And that's all, folks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bej1t/a_short_guide_to_extreme_bdsm/
%
A car broke down on a Native Reservation...

...so the driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools or cell service, he sighed, shut the hood and leaned on his car and waited for a passerby. Finally, a truck came around the bend so he waved it down and the truck pulled over. Inside was a few Native Americans, and asked, "what's wrong?"
"Piston broke", he replied.
"So are we. Get in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bej0d/a_car_broke_down_on_a_native_reservation/
%
Why couldn't the lizard get it up?

He had ereptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4begk6/why_couldnt_the_lizard_get_it_up/
%
Don't Finish Without Me! (NSFW)

So two gay men are messing around in shower and they hear the doorbell ring. One of them heads out to check but before he leaves he says "Don't finish without me". When he returns he sees cum plastered on the shower walls and says "What the hell, I said don't finish without me!" The boyfriend says "I didn't, I just farted"
Brought to you by my dad...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bef13/dont_finish_without_me_nsfw/
%
The joke that got me grounded.

*I would tell jokes when I was kid and mom said to me one time, "A really good comedian never makes nasty jokes about religion, or rape, or abortion, and never tell any racist jokes because your better then that....and don't joke about AIDS either, it's not something you joke about."
I went to my room and sometime later came back out with this.
Mom,
Why did the nun get an abortion after she was raped by an AIDS-infected crackhead?
It was black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bee4o/the_joke_that_got_me_grounded/
%
How does Tom Brady like his soda?

Flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bebqx/how_does_tom_brady_like_his_soda/
%
I'm very good to my wife, everyday I'll run the hot water and put the bubbles in for her

...just to make doing the dishes that bit easier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4be6r3/im_very_good_to_my_wife_everyday_ill_run_the_hot/
%
Why did the milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4be653/why_did_the_milking_stool_only_have_three_legs/
%
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, exactly.
One to hold your penis and one to turn the lightbulb.
I mean, *the ladder*.
I meant, one to hold the ladder and the other to turn your mother. The lightbulb. You know what I meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4be47p/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4be2kd/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
$1,000 worth of products were stolen from a Games Workshop today

Police are looking for a book and three pots of paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4be1tm/1000_worth_of_products_were_stolen_from_a_games/
%
Justin Bieber

The new Justin Bieber 3-D movie is amazing.
It's like you could almost reach out and punch him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bdvum/justin_bieber/
%
British toilet humour.

"Go and have a look at the size of the shit I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.
"No thanks," she replied.
"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it, it's a good two pounder."
Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ranout and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."
I said,"It's on the scales!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bdv6p/british_toilet_humour/
%
Hillary is pregnant.

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious! Here she is about to run for President and this has happened to her.
She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!!   I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it’s all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.
She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bdrnu/hillary_is_pregnant/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy, and one is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bdoay/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bdmte/i_dont_have_sex_with_my_sister_because_its/
%
Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers.

Lesson: If you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bdjbl/fact_a_lot_of_women_turn_into_good_drivers/
%
Apple is advertising the new iPhone as "The most powerful four inches ever."

I can't believe they stole my slogan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bdixf/apple_is_advertising_the_new_iphone_as_the_most/
%
Had a fight with an erection today...

I beat it single handedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bde8f/had_a_fight_with_an_erection_today/
%
Did you hear the one about the girl with a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh?

If you put your ear up next to it, you can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bdd7i/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_girl_with_a/
%
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?

aye matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bdbwy/what_does_a_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef Stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bdbh3/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
%
What did Hitler call his favorite piece of furniture?

Mein Kampfy Chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bda1v/what_did_hitler_call_his_favorite_piece_of/
%
Do Indian restaurants have any bread?

Nah, they have Naan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bd307/do_indian_restaurants_have_any_bread/
%
Was going to make a joke about my paycheck...

Turns out I have insufficient puns

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bcsmj/was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_my_paycheck/
%
I made a ceramic sculpture of Mohammed Ali but it exploded in the kiln.

It was gaseous clay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bcpp5/i_made_a_ceramic_sculpture_of_mohammed_ali_but_it/
%
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

because she'll let it go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bcn81/why_cant_you_give_elsa_a_balloon/
%
My friend got sent to prison for pulling out 3 people from a burning building

Unfortunately, it turned out they were firefighters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bcn1s/my_friend_got_sent_to_prison_for_pulling_out_3/
%
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person who follows Judaism, and pizza is a food...
I bet you expected a Holocaust joke. Jew thought wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bcmm6/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_pizza/
%
I named my son "Tennis" but he doesn't mind being bullied about it.

He's a good sport really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bcmh9/i_named_my_son_tennis_but_he_doesnt_mind_being/
%
People thought I was crazy when I said I was going to cure blindness.

But they'll see. They'll all see!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bcl41/people_thought_i_was_crazy_when_i_said_i_was/
%
I like my girlfriends how I like my wine...

10 years old and locked in a cellar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bcfm0/i_like_my_girlfriends_how_i_like_my_wine/
%
It's afro-carribean day at work tomorrow.

I'm dreading it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bcfks/its_afrocarribean_day_at_work_tomorrow/
%
A man is vacationing in Jerusalem

with his family when his stepmother gets very ill, the next day she passes away.
The man asks for her body to be flew back to their home state to be buried there, but he finds out that it will cost $5000. He is given an offer to bury her right there in Jerusalem for only $150.
The man thinks about it for a while, but eventually says he will pay the $5000 to ship her back home. A local walks up and is amazed, saying that he must have loved his stepmother very much.
The man glances around and whispers to the local, "No, not really, it's just that I heard of a case where someone was buried here and they rose three days later, and I don't want to deal with that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bcfeq/a_man_is_vacationing_in_jerusalem/
%
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of coke.

But when I got home, I realised I'd picked 7 Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bcecj/i_went_to_the_shop_to_buy_6_cans_of_coke/
%
What are the strongest days?

Saturday and Sundays. The others are weakdays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bca73/what_are_the_strongest_days/
%
TIFU by making my husband the wrong sandwich

Oops, wrong sub!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bca47/tifu_by_making_my_husband_the_wrong_sandwich/
%
My son is in hospital because of one little driving mistake.

He beat me at Mario Kart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bc6fz/my_son_is_in_hospital_because_of_one_little/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks this morning
*Edit: Not my joke but haven't seen it here and thought it was funny :)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bbwdk/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
My therapist said I need to find a new hobby.

Besides pissing off therapists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bbu5q/my_therapist_said_i_need_to_find_a_new_hobby/
%
The thing I love most about dad jokes...

...is how they keep pushing the boundaries of humour father and father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bbtre/the_thing_i_love_most_about_dad_jokes/
%
Two cows walk into a vegan bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bbt1y/two_cows_walk_into_a_vegan_bar/
%
What does Sonic say during Ramadan?

Gotta go fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bbsly/what_does_sonic_say_during_ramadan/
%
Israel has started it's own space program.

The kosher rocket was launched with the brave astronauts onboard. With the groundbreaking tech, they flew extremely fast, passing planets, stars, occasionally some nebulae... They got so far in fact that they reached antimatter masses, but they kept flying. Then, they spotted an antiplanet. 'Let's land', they decided. And they did. They landed on an anticlearing. They looked around, and on the edge of it, by the antiforrest there was an anticottage. Antismoke flew from the antichimney - 'The antihut must be inhabited!', they thought ecstatically. They came closer, took a peek through the antiwindow - the antihut seemed empty. So they reached the antiknob, opened the antidoor, and in the antihall, by the antitable the antisemites sat.
***
Translated from Polish, did the best I could.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bbsk9/israel_has_started_its_own_space_program/
%
I just gave my cat some 7UP.

Now he's got 16 lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bbr76/i_just_gave_my_cat_some_7up/
%
I Made a Poem.....

I dig
You dig
We dig
He dig
She dig
They dig
It's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bbna0/i_made_a_poem/
%
I am Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bblmr/i_am_bill_gates_and_today_i_will_be_teaching_you/
%
Holy shit there's a spider under my keyboard

I think it's under control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bbafv/holy_shit_theres_a_spider_under_my_keyboard/
%
Why don't Germans compete in marathons?

They have a sad history of not finishing off races.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bb640/why_dont_germans_compete_in_marathons/
%
I love whiteboards

They're remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bb3mx/i_love_whiteboards/
%
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bayhc/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_a_rectal/
%
Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together

Totally nailed it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4basfb/boss_told_me_to_glue_2_pieces_of_wood_together/
%
A woman brought a very limp duck...

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied the Vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$3000!” she cried, “$3000 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $100, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $3000."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4barus/a_woman_brought_a_very_limp_duck/
%
I was gonna make an Indian Pun

But I got Naan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4baoag/i_was_gonna_make_an_indian_pun/
%
My Ex and I weren't compatible...

I'm a Capricorn and she's a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bajmt/my_ex_and_i_werent_compatible/
%
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4baj5x/the_irs_decides_to_audit_grandpa/
%
"Boy, when I was your age I used to walk fifteen miles to school."

"Oh, is that why you didn't graduate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ba9hf/boy_when_i_was_your_age_i_used_to_walk_fifteen/
%
What does a puppy and a near sighted gynecologist have in common?

Both have a wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ba5do/what_does_a_puppy_and_a_near_sighted_gynecologist/
%
Chinese torture number one...

A man wakes up in his top floor apartment and finds a small rock on his chest with a small note attached, it reads 'Chinese torture number one - rock on chest'.
Thinking nothing of it the man crosses to his window and throws the rock out of it, before noticing a small note on his outside window ledge, 'Chinese torture number two - rock tied to left testicle'.
The man launches himself out of the window after the falling rock, instantly deciding that falling to his death is better than the alternative.
As the man plummets towards the ground, he sees a large message painted on the rapidly approaching road, 'Chinese torture number three - right testicle tied to bedpost'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ba3x2/chinese_torture_number_one/
%
"Son, I just wanted to let you know your adopted"

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ba363/son_i_just_wanted_to_let_you_know_your_adopted/
%
Archaeologists excavating a pyramid in Egypt has found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts

they believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ba245/archaeologists_excavating_a_pyramid_in_egypt_has/
%
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?

That was the most violent book I've ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b9wck/what_did_helen_keller_say_when_she_put_down_the/
%
What's the difference between sex every day, and a tire?

One is a good year, the other is a GREAT year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b9w9m/whats_the_difference_between_sex_every_day_and_a/
%
Where do comedian Eskimos live?

A Giggloo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b9r60/where_do_comedian_eskimos_live/
%
If an opinion is worth 2 cents, how many cents is an argument worth?

It really just depends on how much cents it makes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b9psc/if_an_opinion_is_worth_2_cents_how_many_cents_is/
%
If a girl has sex with many guys, she's called a slut, but if a guy does the same...

... he's called gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b9lnh/if_a_girl_has_sex_with_many_guys_shes_called_a/
%
The even numbers said...

The odds are against us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b9bho/the_even_numbers_said/
%
Why can't Daredevil drive a car?

Because he's from New York.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b95x1/why_cant_daredevil_drive_a_car/
%
There's a band called 1023MB

They haven't had any Gigs yet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b943m/theres_a_band_called_1023mb/
%
People are like onions...

I always cry when I cut them up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b935m/people_are_like_onions/
%
How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but you need a fairly big lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8yqm/how_many_teenagers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What do Irish feminists call men?

O'Pressors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8xoi/what_do_irish_feminists_call_men/
%
Going to open a new restaurant ...

I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant...
I am calling it Juan-Ton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8xmk/going_to_open_a_new_restaurant/
%
Sex with my ex was like Disneyland.

I'd have to wait in line for an hour and a half and when it was finally my turn I wasn't big enough to get on the ride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8w0f/sex_with_my_ex_was_like_disneyland/
%
What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both go to Uranus to wipe out the Klingons.
[old classic]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8vcu/what_do_the_starship_enterprise_and_toilet_paper/
%
What does a cow and 9/11 have in common?

We love to milk the shit out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8ti3/what_does_a_cow_and_911_have_in_common/
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Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Wittness?

They don't like any witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8sv4/why_dont_italians_like_jehovahs_wittness/
%
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walking... JK Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8rhs/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
An actual quote by President George Bush

"The problem with the french is that they don't have a word for entrepreneurs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8rd5/an_actual_quote_by_president_george_bush/
%
what's the worst part about being a pedophile?

trying to fit in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8qu9/whats_the_worst_part_about_being_a_pedophile/
%
What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country?

Simple, you get stoned twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8p3y/what_happens_if_you_smoke_weed_in_a_musilm_country/
%
guy walks into a bar

with a .44 magnum and yells "who the fuck fucked my wife!". Everybody's silent for a second, then a guy in the back of the bar says "you haven't got enough bullets mate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8m1g/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do really crazy people get through the forest?

Via the psycho path.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8jph/how_do_really_crazy_people_get_through_the_forest/
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What do you call a gay guy's kidney stones?

Fruity pebbles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8gbg/what_do_you_call_a_gay_guys_kidney_stones/
%
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8fqe/what_does_a_robot_do_at_the_end_of_a_one_night/
%
Why was the milkman afraid on Christmas eve?

The ghost of Christmas Pasteurisation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8dgr/why_was_the_milkman_afraid_on_christmas_eve/
%
So I broke my mom's tailbone during childbirth.

And I've been a pain in her ass ever since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8bju/so_i_broke_my_moms_tailbone_during_childbirth/
%
What do you call an owl escapologist?

The great Hootini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8ayi/what_do_you_call_an_owl_escapologist/
%
What's going on in the Vatican?

There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.
One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.
So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".
So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed because who would still be in the church at such a late hour?
So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.
The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.
When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.
Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispenser"!
Wanting to test the first nuns theory,the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.
With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".
Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.
But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b867s/whats_going_on_in_the_vatican/
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Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

If it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b84m6/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_2_doors/
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Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…

followed by Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b84gp/sixteen_sodium_atoms_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a dream about soda?

a fanta sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b81ya/what_do_you_call_a_dream_about_soda/
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Donald Trump Tragedy

Donald Trump visited an elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident".
Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"
A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car."
Donald Trump says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?"
A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff."
Donald Trump says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says and says, "If you were on a plane and it blew up."
Then Donald Trump says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?"
Little Johnny says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b80p0/donald_trump_tragedy/
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Another Jewish joke...

The daughter of an elderly Jewish couple brings home a man that she would like to marry. He turns out to be a Torah scholar. After dinner, the father and the suitor sit down together and the father asks "how will you treat my daughter as the princess she is in my eyes?" and the suitor says "I will work hard and God will provide for me."
The father asks "how will you provide a comfortable lifestyle for my daughter in the way I've done so all these years" and the suitor replies "I will work hard and God will provide for me."
Afterwards, the parents are talking and the mother asks the father what he thinks of the guy. "He doesn't know anything, he won't have a good job, but on the upside, he calls me God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b7wsw/another_jewish_joke/
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I am a bank robber...

I took a pen from the teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b7tru/i_am_a_bank_robber/
%
Anti-Drugs Rabbit

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit.
"Lion," they reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little bastard has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ice!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b7n4i/antidrugs_rabbit/
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Grandpa: What's the difference between a butt kisser and a brown-noser?

Depth perception

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b7ka9/grandpa_whats_the_difference_between_a_butt/
%
A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b7h3l/a_priest_a_rapist_and_a_pedophile_walk_into_a_bar/
%
So I've heard there's a heroin epidemic among white teens...

I guess they're used to shooting up to solve their problems

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b7gg7/so_ive_heard_theres_a_heroin_epidemic_among_white/
%
Husband: Hey baby, hold my jock strap.

Wife: That's disgusting why would I hold your jock strap?
Husband: Well I always hold your purse for you.
Wife: That's not remotely the same.
Husband: Why not, they both hold our junk.
Credit to /u/WhistleWhileYouLurk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b7dkd/husband_hey_baby_hold_my_jock_strap/
%
News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b7alt/news_has_just_come_in_that_the_mars_rover_has/
%
Which unit describes the intensity of light in South Africa?

Nelson Candela

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b7a5z/which_unit_describes_the_intensity_of_light_in/
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Zambian Roulette

As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite.
To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends.
As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''
A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.
''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''
''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.''
''But my friend, where is the danger in this?''
Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b79jh/zambian_roulette/
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Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes...

... they are calling them "parallelograms".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b75nx/scientists_have_invented_a_way_to_send_messages/
%
I love buying cardboard boxes online.

You always get one more than you pay for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b7575/i_love_buying_cardboard_boxes_online/
%
The bartender said we don't serve time travellers...

Two time travellers walk into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b73ok/the_bartender_said_we_dont_serve_time_travellers/
%
Great wine is like great jazz...

It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6x5n/great_wine_is_like_great_jazz/
%
Two catholic priests get into a traffic check...

The cop says "We are looking for two pedophiles".
The priest rolls up the window and starts furiously arguing with the other priest. After a couple of minutes, he rolls down the window again: "We'd be up for it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6tit/two_catholic_priests_get_into_a_traffic_check/
%
A man was humping his secretary in his office up her ass when....

His wife walks in on them unannounced.
Horrified, she screams " Honey, you can't do this to me".
Man calmly replies"Right, that's why I am doing it to her".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6t9m/a_man_was_humping_his_secretary_in_his_office_up/
%
Cuckoo clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "boys" I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her “MIDNIGHT”… she didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked her why, she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6se6/cuckoo_clock/
%
Sandpaper

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
Gosh, I only intended to rough him up a bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6pxu/sandpaper/
%
How does NASA organize their missions.

They Planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6pjz/how_does_nasa_organize_their_missions/
%
Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I told them nothing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6phd/q_what_did_the_gangsters_son_tell_his_dad_when_he/
%
Whosoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble...

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6oir/whosoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_is_in/
%
A Boy approaches his Dad...

The Boy asks, "Dad, what is sex?"
The Dad ponders for awhile and figures that now is a good time for his 10 year old boy to finally understand the true facts about where babies come from.
He then elaborates on every single detail, from putting penises into vaginas, and even shares about his sex life with the Boy's mother.
The Boy, visually astounded, takes a long pause to absorb all the information.
He then whips out a piece of paper.
"So Dad... Do I circle the M or the F?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6jwk/a_boy_approaches_his_dad/
%
From my 91 year old grandpa

Q: What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
A: You can't hear a vita-min.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6gzo/from_my_91_year_old_grandpa/
%
What's a Christian's favourite guitar chord?

G-sus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6gyh/whats_a_christians_favourite_guitar_chord/
%
What do you call a Mexican fighting a priest?

Alien vs. Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6cf0/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_fighting_a_priest/
%
Wanna hear a dyslexic joke?

Knock there who's knock?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6an3/wanna_hear_a_dyslexic_joke/
%
90% of Men in Chicago have had shower sex

The other 10% have never been to prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b68lh/90_of_men_in_chicago_have_had_shower_sex/
%
A couple wants a divorce

, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6759/a_couple_wants_a_divorce/
%
A guy goes into a bar with a crocodile...

He says 'Watch this' and gets the crocodile to open its mouth. He then puts his dick in the crocodile's mouth and whacks it on the top of the head.
The crocodile just keeps his mouth open.
The man says 'Anybody else want a go?'
The place is silent. Then on old lady pipes up: 'I'll have a go but don't hit me so hard please.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6227/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar_with_a_crocodile/
%
A vulture carrying two dead squirrels lines up to board a plane

And the flight attendant says to him, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we only allow one carrion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b60ky/a_vulture_carrying_two_dead_squirrels_lines_up_to/
%
What do you call two crows?

Attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b5ynd/what_do_you_call_two_crows/
%
What did one cell say to its sister cell when she stepped on him?

"Mitosis !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b5ybm/what_did_one_cell_say_to_its_sister_cell_when_she/
%
What don't elephants forget when they go swimming?

Their trunks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b5s6f/what_dont_elephants_forget_when_they_go_swimming/
%
Who took in most refugess?

The Mediterranian Sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b5otj/who_took_in_most_refugess/
%
Whats the worst part about dumping a Japanese girl?

Having to drop the bomb on them twice before they get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b5nus/whats_the_worst_part_about_dumping_a_japanese_girl/
%
Today my coworker fell into the reupholstering machine at work

don't worry, he's fully recovered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b5lgf/today_my_coworker_fell_into_the_reupholstering/
%
What is the difference between Ironman and Iron woman?

One is a super hero and the other is a command.
*I'll show myself out...*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b5jmg/what_is_the_difference_between_ironman_and_iron/
%
Why did Jared from Subway call Boyz2Men?

He thought they had delivery service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b5jhk/why_did_jared_from_subway_call_boyz2men/
%
What's black and sits at the top of a staircase?

Steven Hawking after a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b5i7x/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_a_staircase/
%
What idiot called it....

What idiot called it "insomnia" and not "resisting a rest"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b5fiz/what_idiot_called_it/
%
A man walks into a zoo

, and the only animal he sees there is a dog. It's a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b5b3k/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo/
%
I just ate a watch...

... It was time consuming.
I'm thinking of going for seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b5avi/i_just_ate_a_watch/
%
So I just saw the music video for Radioactive, and if you think fighting stuffed animals is weird...

...Imagine Dragons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b55wk/so_i_just_saw_the_music_video_for_radioactive_and/
%
Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, was quite skinny, and apparently had bad breath.

That'd make him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b54mu/gandhi_walked_barefoot_most_of_the_time_was_quite/
%
Why wasn't Jesus born in Washington DC?

They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b504y/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_washington_dc/
%
What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b4zle/what_has_4_wheels_and_flies/
%
Guy walks into a bar with a pounding headache...

"Hey, barkeep, how about a shot to put me out of my misery." The bartender shoots him in the head, then plants a knife and carefully doctors the security footage using  Adobe Premiere's After Effects so it looks like he was being attacked. The bartender was fucking the man's wife and she collected a very large life insurance settlement. The headache was from the rat poison she's put in his coffee earlier that day.
Not everything that happens in a bar is for your amusement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b4zid/guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_pounding_headache/
%
A man dies in a hospital....

A man dies in a hospital, the three nurses that were operating on him notice he has a raging hard-on. One of them says "I know it sounds weird but I suddenly got the urge to fuck him", so she does. The second nurse says "Wow that looks like fun, let me try", she fucks him too. The last nurse says "I'm on my period but I guess he wouldn't mind" as she is riding him the man suddenly jerks alive.The nurses then say "We thought you were dead" he responds with "I was but after 3 jumpstarts and a blood transfusion I feel fucking amazing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b4wki/a_man_dies_in_a_hospital/
%
I had to ground my 8yo son for this one [NSFW]

Son: Dad, why do you have to wrap a bunny in duct tape?
Me: I don't know son, why?
Son: So it doesn't explode when you fuck it!
Me: ಠ╭╮ಠ
Son: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b4u0m/i_had_to_ground_my_8yo_son_for_this_one_nsfw/
%
Finding a girlfriend when broke is like trying to find a parking spot...

the only ones left are handicapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b4rhz/finding_a_girlfriend_when_broke_is_like_trying_to/
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"Pistorius" sounds like a spell Harry Potter would have use to make someone's legs disappear.

This is Frankie Boyles joke, not mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b4q71/pistorius_sounds_like_a_spell_harry_potter_would/
%
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

Complete waste of money. All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b4pmm/i_bought_a_ceiling_fan_the_other_day/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer

I am not sure what they were laced with but I have been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b4ms8/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
What's 20 foot long, screams like a banshee and has no pubes?

The front row of a One Direction concert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b4mfo/whats_20_foot_long_screams_like_a_banshee_and_has/
%
I once farted in an apple store, everyone got mad.

It's not my fault they don't have windows...﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b4m8q/i_once_farted_in_an_apple_store_everyone_got_mad/
%
The first self driving commercial cars license plate should be...

'AFKBRB'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b4j7z/the_first_self_driving_commercial_cars_license/
%
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b4hi4/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
%
Racist joke NSFW: What do you say to a black man in a suit?

"Will the defendant please rise"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b4flv/racist_joke_nsfw_what_do_you_say_to_a_black_man/
%
I went to see a theatrical performance on the history of language

Turns out it was just a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b4335/i_went_to_see_a_theatrical_performance_on_the/
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Why was the policeman sent to talk to a bunch of crows?

Because someone said there was a "murder".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b41py/why_was_the_policeman_sent_to_talk_to_a_bunch_of/
%
Some Arnie jokes

My wife has just left me for Arnold Schwarzenegger.
She'll be back.
__
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.
He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".
__
A movie production company desperately needs a new idea. They decide to make an Action Film featuring Classical Musicians.
They begin to enlist famous Action Heroes. The actors that are chosen;
Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Director says, “Sylvester, you be Beethoven. Bruce, you be Mozart.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger says, “I’ll be Bach.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3zuc/some_arnie_jokes/
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Little Muhammad goes to 1st grade...

When the teacher asked his name he replied: "Muhammad".
The teacher says:" you live in France, from now on you're name is Phillip and you will be French"
Little Phillip goes back home and his mom asks him" well little Muhammad, how was school?"
Phillip replied: "I'm French now, my name is Phillip!"
The mom is shocked, an hour later his dad comes home and they both slap Phillip.
The day passes and Phillip goes to class with a black eye, the teacher asks him:"what happened Phillip?"
"An hour after I became French, two Arabs beat the shit out of me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3zs0/little_muhammad_goes_to_1st_grade/
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Why did the young Mexican solve the problem so easily?

It was a no buena
My girlfriend is Mexican so I love Mexican jokes. Let me know if you have one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3y66/why_did_the_young_mexican_solve_the_problem_so/
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Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.
You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!
I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3xej/fuck_cheesy_chatup_lines_we_need_better_breakup/
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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...
"Really?, youll do anything id like?"
"yes" she said "anything!"
"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"
"ok..."
"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"
"wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly.
"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"
she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.
"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"
"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...
She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3x3n/a_shipwreck_only_scarlett_johansson_and_some/
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The deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3wih/the_deaf_italian_bookkeeper/
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Dating in the old days

Back when my Grandpa was courtin’ (dating) my Grandma in the rural mountains of North Carolina he picked her up for their first date in his horse-drawn buggy. As they were traveling down the bumpy dirt roads his bowels began to rumble and he was struggling to keep from breaking wind. About halfway to his parent’s house a storm started to blow in so he decided the next time he saw lightning  he would time it and let it rip during the thunder. This worked perfectly and Grandma never knew. Soon he felt the urge again and he waited for the lightning and timed it perfectly. Wanting to make casual conversation he said to Grandma, “We had better hurry, that one sounded close”. Grandma said “ Yes, it smells like it struck a shithouse”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3v2i/dating_in_the_old_days/
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The Pope Dies and Goes to Heaven

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'”.
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3tzv/the_pope_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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What do Jewish pedophiles say?

“Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3rai/what_do_jewish_pedophiles_say/
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Some Religious Truths

TAOISM: Shit happens
ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening?
PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else
ATHEISTS: Shit happens for no apparent reason
HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius says: "Shit happens"
HINDUISM: This shit happened before
CATHOLICISM: If shit happens you deserve it
AGNOSTICS: Facts happen
EVANGELISTS: Send me £8 million or shit will happen to you
BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit
ISLAM: If shit happens it is the will of Allah
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to us?
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS: Only good shit happens
JEHOVA'S WITNESSES: Let us in and we will tell you why shit happens
Edit : RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit (Thanks u/rakshu)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3pu7/some_religious_truths/
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What do you call a young plastic covered sheep?

Laminated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3kb7/what_do_you_call_a_young_plastic_covered_sheep/
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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy ..Judy.':
'Is that you, Steve?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
That's wonderful! What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly . I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3kas/sex_after_death/
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Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action...
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more frantic coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'
And, once again they enjoy each other in the way only two people in the first flush of lust can... But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: 'You mean I've been here already?'
(Senior Moments can have their advantages).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3hg6/wallys_wedding_night/
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What do you call a factory that produces quality goods?

A satisfactory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3hbc/what_do_you_call_a_factory_that_produces_quality/
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What do you get when two lawyers have sex ?

A Binding contract that you can't pull out of ... Edit And their are no loop holes other than your client having piercings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3g7l/what_do_you_get_when_two_lawyers_have_sex/
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I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey

But I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3f20/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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You may think that a pirate's favorite letter is R

But they actually love the C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3ckv/you_may_think_that_a_pirates_favorite_letter_is_r/
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What do you call a Chinese underage hooker?

Sum Yung Ho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3bjc/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_underage_hooker/
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Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave?

He had to go to the Bat Room.
[an old classic]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b31x6/why_did_batman_rush_to_the_bat_cave/
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How do you kill a vegetarian vampire?

With a steak to the heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b2rnc/how_do_you_kill_a_vegetarian_vampire/
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A month before my grandfather died we decided to cover his back in lard.

After that he went downhill very quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b2qgc/a_month_before_my_grandfather_died_we_decided_to/
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I've got a friend who is a structural engineer.

He's always complaining about stress at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b2jwu/ive_got_a_friend_who_is_a_structural_engineer/
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Whats the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?

There's one less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b2h1v/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
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So a woman is being held hostage...

There's a man robbing her as she's tied to a chair in her livingroom with a blindfold on. He tells her to quietly count to 100 and proceeds to start looting her home.
As he's doing this he hears the woman behind him counting "one.....three....five....seven..". The man turns around and asks her " why are you counting like that?"
The woman stops, sniffles and says "BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b2e4a/so_a_woman_is_being_held_hostage/
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Why do hockey players wear so many pads?

Because they have 3 periods every game!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b221j/why_do_hockey_players_wear_so_many_pads/
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Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?

I don't know and I don't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b21xh/which_is_worse_ignorance_or_apathy/
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"You da bomb" was one of the best things to hear someone tell me when I was younger.

But the possibility of hearing it now has me scared to death here in ISIS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b1xz0/you_da_bomb_was_one_of_the_best_things_to_hear/
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A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop

He says can you make me one with everything?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b1vr4/a_buddhist_walks_into_a_pizza_shop/
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What do you call an abortion in Prague?

A cancelled Czech

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b1v9k/what_do_you_call_an_abortion_in_prague/
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An Irish mobster approached a man on the street...

He demanded "what are you, protestant or catholic?"
The man said "i'm atheist actually"
The mobster thought for a second and said "protestant atheist or catholic atheist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b1oxb/an_irish_mobster_approached_a_man_on_the_street/
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PSA: BE CAREFUL SHOPPING AT HOME DEPOT

SHOPPING AT HOME DEPOT
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also February 1st & 4th, Twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 30th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b1k5y/psa_be_careful_shopping_at_home_depot/
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When is it okay to punch a midget?

When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b1j7m/when_is_it_okay_to_punch_a_midget/
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I only date right handed women...

Righty tighty, lefty loosey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b1e6c/i_only_date_right_handed_women/
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I will not be stepping down as moderator for this sub-reddit, and here is why.

I wasn't one in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b1cpy/i_will_not_be_stepping_down_as_moderator_for_this/
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How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS
... what was the question again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b1c21/how_many_women_with_pms_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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A husband and wife are lying in bed...

So a husband and wife are lying in bed. The woman looks to her husband and says
"If I died, would you have another woman in our bed?"
He takes a second and replies "Why, yes, I suppose I would."
She continues, "Would you would you go and get married?"
He says "Well, maybe."
She says would you let her use my golf clubs?
He replies "Of course not! She's left-handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b1b9j/a_husband_and_wife_are_lying_in_bed/
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How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b1a9i/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What did Snoop say Dr. Dre while binge watching their favorite TV show?

Are you ready for the next episode?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b18wa/what_did_snoop_say_dr_dre_while_binge_watching/
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How do you starve a right wing christian?

Hide their money in their bible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b18cw/how_do_you_starve_a_right_wing_christian/
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Hunting Trip

John and Bill went on their annual camping and hunting trip.
John spent the first night drinking beer and talking about how many deer he hoped to shoot.
The next morning they got up early, John wasn't feeling good, so Bill went off hunting without him.
John was so hung over that when he went to take a dump, he fell asleep sitting there on the log.
Bill got a deer early and camme back to find John sleeping. As a joke he gutted the deer, put the insides under John, and left without waking him.
An hour later John wondered back into camp, his face white as a sheet.
"What's wrong?" asked Bill.
"I drank so much last night I shit my guts out," said John, "But by the grace of God and a greasy stick, I got them all back in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b18b3/hunting_trip/
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A duck and a laptop go to a bar and, after a while, the bartender asks the duck if he'd like the drinks on his bill

The laptop scolds the bartender for making such an assumption and insists that the drinks be put on his tab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b17n0/a_duck_and_a_laptop_go_to_a_bar_and_after_a_while/
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The Moral of the Story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next
day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Katy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on
the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put
all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
"Lucy, now you."
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat
market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only
got ten live chicks. And the moral of this story is, don't count your
chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle
Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out
over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine
gun and machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He
killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of
bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the
blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b13rb/the_moral_of_the_story/
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It's too bad National Constipation Day isn't more well-known...

...because currently, no one gives a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b128r/its_too_bad_national_constipation_day_isnt_more/
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Did you hear about a guy who collected memorabilia of Rosa Parks, Florence Nightingale, Joan of Arc, and Wonder Woman?

Apparently, he was a heroine addict.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b0y01/did_you_hear_about_a_guy_who_collected/
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What do you call an epileptic in a bush?

Russell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b0x3x/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_in_a_bush/
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So i was in the bar the other day.....

When i started hearing voices saying "nice shoes" and "lovely smile", I started wondering who was saying it so i went to the bartender and said "Mate, do you know who keeps saying nice things to me" He replied "Its the peanuts mate" I replied "Peanuts, What do you mean" The bartender replied "Yea they're complementary"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b0w36/so_i_was_in_the_bar_the_other_day/
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What does a pirate say when he turns 80?

Aye Matey.
might be a repost sorry if it is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b0v3y/what_does_a_pirate_say_when_he_turns_80/
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I was going to tell a yeast infection joke...

but it was too cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b0udj/i_was_going_to_tell_a_yeast_infection_joke/
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What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b0rz9/what_do_you_call_a_french_guy_wearing_sandals/
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I'm a lawyer for an Orthodontist

He's got me on retainer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b0r2v/im_a_lawyer_for_an_orthodontist/
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How does every black joke start?

*Looks over shoulder *

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b0qhk/how_does_every_black_joke_start/
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So a Harley Davidson rolls into a bar and the bartender asks what it'd like.

RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b0mkw/so_a_harley_davidson_rolls_into_a_bar_and_the/
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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students...

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough.
She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b0ep3/a_firstgrade_teacher_ms_brooks_was_having_trouble/
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A frog wants a loan from the bank

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b0asx/a_frog_wants_a_loan_from_the_bank/
%
Two Nuns went out of their convent to do some grocery shopping

They went around the town on their bicycles and had a ball of a time, since they don't usually get to roam about and the convent was soooo boring. So of course they lose track of time wandering around and exploring the town.
>"Oh my! We've only ten minutes to get back!" said the first nun.
>"Follow me, I know a shortcut!" replied the second.
They whizz through a narrow alley here, and a narrow alley there, and true enough, they were back just in time to not get into trouble with Mother Superior.
>"Wow, I've never come this way before" panted the first nun.
>"I know right?", said the second.
"It's the *cobblestones*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b065e/two_nuns_went_out_of_their_convent_to_do_some/
%
I told my girlfriend to make a sextape together.

She agreed. It became a vine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b05y7/i_told_my_girlfriend_to_make_a_sextape_together/
%
I forgot the joke about the Jonestown Massacre.

All I remember is that the punchline killed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b01k4/i_forgot_the_joke_about_the_jonestown_massacre/
%
While a blonde was driving her car....

One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck and cut him off couple of times. The truck driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so fucking funny.
The blonde giggled and replied, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aztrd/while_a_blonde_was_driving_her_car/
%
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

You break his spine.
(no hate Intended It's just funny)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azqrd/how_do_you_turn_a_fruit_into_a_vegetable/
%
Half of men in America watch porn everyday.

The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.
*Thanks for the gold kind stranger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azpv2/half_of_men_in_america_watch_porn_everyday/
%
We had a proper, serious, grown-up discussion about pornography recently,

and my girlfriend said, "I don't get porn. Why would I want to watch to people have sex?"
I said, "Two? People?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azmwr/we_had_a_proper_serious_grownup_discussion_about/
%
Ronald McDonald runs for president. His slogan?

Make America's Weight A Gain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azm6b/ronald_mcdonald_runs_for_president_his_slogan/
%
R.I.P boiled water...

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azlnn/rip_boiled_water/
%
Why is it so expensive to live in Ireland?

Cause they keep *Dublin* the taxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azjfp/why_is_it_so_expensive_to_live_in_ireland/
%
It was the first day of a school in USA and a...

...and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George H. W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson (musician) to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehman Brothers, September 15th, 2008'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azj30/it_was_the_first_day_of_a_school_in_usa_and_a/
%
I became a proud dad today

My son is actually four but he was a boring little cunt for the first three years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azi8q/i_became_a_proud_dad_today/
%
I tried to write with my broken pencil today

it was pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azgsw/i_tried_to_write_with_my_broken_pencil_today/
%
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azgq1/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
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TIL back in the day there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.

Nobody knew y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azgag/til_back_in_the_day_there_were_only_25_letters_in/
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So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...

...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azdxd/so_my_wifes_wallet_got_stolen_6_months_ago/
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Knock knock...

Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
(My 3 year old told me this one.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azdx3/knock_knock/
%
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azcsg/what_does_a_turtle_and_a_pedophile_have_in_common/
%
Once you go black...

..you become a single mother.
^^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azbrh/once_you_go_black/
%
Falling vending machines kill more people per year than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark near a vending machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4az97q/falling_vending_machines_kill_more_people_per/
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Why are suicide kits so hard to sell on Amazon?

They never have positive reviews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4az75p/why_are_suicide_kits_so_hard_to_sell_on_amazon/
%
What's the difference between a dilapidated bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

…One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean!
(My husband groaned loudly when I told him this one, so I knew it was pretty good.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4az6rd/whats_the_difference_between_a_dilapidated_bus/
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one...

He's never gonna give you Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4az4bj/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
%
TIFU on the first day of my courier job

.
.
.
.
.
OP didn't deliver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ayz44/tifu_on_the_first_day_of_my_courier_job/
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ayx7j/how_does_donald_trump_plan_on_deporting_12/
%
If you get a tattoo of a thermos,

Is it now a thermostat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aywc6/if_you_get_a_tattoo_of_a_thermos/
%
The Fountain of Youth has been discovered

but it's in Flint, MI, so I wouldn't drink from it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aymfp/the_fountain_of_youth_has_been_discovered/
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How do you make both God and Satan angry at you?

You rape Satan's wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aym5r/how_do_you_make_both_god_and_satan_angry_at_you/
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Why do Farts Smell so Bad?

So the deaf can enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aylwt/why_do_farts_smell_so_bad/
%
LPT: what to do when someone is having a seizure in a bathtub

Throw in a load of laundry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ayjm6/lpt_what_to_do_when_someone_is_having_a_seizure/
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I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night

A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ayfdb/i_had_a_7_course_irish_dinner_last_night/
%
I got a new haircut about a week ago.

It's starting to grow on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ayf9t/i_got_a_new_haircut_about_a_week_ago/
%
My favourite part about the Harry Potter movies...

...is the casting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ay9gy/my_favourite_part_about_the_harry_potter_movies/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She choked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ay9aa/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
I threw my laptop into the ocean..

Its a Dell rolling in the deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ay7tm/i_threw_my_laptop_into_the_ocean/
%
Death and Taxes

One day, this man, Tony, died.  When he was sent to be judged,
he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not
go to heaven right away.  He asked what he did and God told
him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way
he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound,
stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.
Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity
in heaven.  So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending
to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and
Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the
government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that
as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well
hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel,
centerfold.  Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and
in fact it was their friend Jon.  They asked him how is he
with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with
these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not
complaining.  This has been absolutely the best time of my
life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex
any man could hope for to look forward to.  There is only
one thing that I can't seem to understand.
After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to
herself, "Damn income taxes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ay70e/death_and_taxes/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ay6pw/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
What pick-up line works 100% of the time?

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ay5l8/what_pickup_line_works_100_of_the_time/
%
My 82 year old grandmother is still healthy and active. She doesn't even need glasses.

She drinks her whiskey straight from the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4axvmm/my_82_year_old_grandmother_is_still_healthy_and/
%
A 5-year-old boy visited his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
Grandma later turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, “Hello son, is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4axuya/a_5yearold_boy_visited_his_grandmother_one_day/
%
What's the difference between a dog and a cyclist?

When you run over a dog you don't have to go back and get the GoPro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4axsyi/whats_the_difference_between_a_dog_and_a_cyclist/
%
Why didn't the weightlifter like doing chest exercises with Coke cans?

Because it was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4axsdk/why_didnt_the_weightlifter_like_doing_chest/
%
TIL You can watch the sun through a telescope without any filters.

Only twice though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4axo8x/til_you_can_watch_the_sun_through_a_telescope/
%
Don't invest in SeaWorld

It's really starting to tank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4axnwk/dont_invest_in_seaworld/
%
Whats the difference between a jew and a boyscout?

The boyscout comes home from camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4axn1s/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_boyscout/
%
What are the chances of familiarising myself with a semiaquatic amphibian to the point of ownership?

My newt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4axl2q/what_are_the_chances_of_familiarising_myself_with/
%
Life without internet is like a house without a bathroom...

What are you supposed to do? Go outside n' shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4axjag/life_without_internet_is_like_a_house_without_a/
%
Ireland's population is out of control

It keeps Dublin and Dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4axhsj/irelands_population_is_out_of_control/
%
Patient: Doctor,

I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4axfnc/patient_doctor/
%
How do deer get revenge?

By giving each other a taste of their own venison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4axaqw/how_do_deer_get_revenge/
%
What is the brown sticky stuff between an elephant's toes?

Slow natives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ax47p/what_is_the_brown_sticky_stuff_between_an/
%
A guy was admitted to the emergency ward with half a dozen toy horses stuck up his ass.

His condition was listed as "stable".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ax2kq/a_guy_was_admitted_to_the_emergency_ward_with/
%
What did the comedy coach tell his worst student after his practice?

"Are you making a Mochrie out of improv?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ax0rn/what_did_the_comedy_coach_tell_his_worst_student/
%
What's the difference between an expression of confusion and an underground German woman?

One's a furrowed brow and the other is a burrowed Frau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ax0fq/whats_the_difference_between_an_expression_of/
%
A man is getting a physical done by a doctor

The doctor turns to the man and says "Sir you need to stop masturbating"
The man asks "Why?"
The doctor replies "Because I am trying to give you a physical!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4awx2i/a_man_is_getting_a_physical_done_by_a_doctor/
%
A couple is going to have sex

She-Honey, can we do a 69?
He-Lets do a 68
She-Whats a 68?
He-You suck my dick and i owe you one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4awtvq/a_couple_is_going_to_have_sex/
%
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4awt3d/til_humans_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
%
Have you heard of the 300-lb. college student from Japan?

He graduated sumo cum laude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4awsuh/have_you_heard_of_the_300lb_college_student_from/
%
Irish Humor

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !   He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."   She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."   "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."   She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4awp28/irish_humor/
%
Interview

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4awlwb/interview/
%
[Mod Post] We've begun flairing jokes

We've begun flairing jokes with link flair. We, the mods, have been discussing this for a while, and we've begun doing it. We've configured automoderator, as well as doing it by hand. The purpose of this is to flair some of our more common types of jokes, so people can filter out in RES for them, or if they like them, search for more of that type.
The flairs we currently have are:
"Dirty" - For any jokes that are dirty or possibly triggering to the SRS/Tumblr crowd, such as jokes about sex, racist jokes, Nazi jokes, etc
"long" - For any jokes that have a longer setup.
"Puns" - For clever wordplay
"Religion" - Jokes about any and all religions.
"Blonde" -The classic, jokes about Blondes
"Knock Knock" - Knock Knock jokes
"Politics" - for any jokes that have to do with current US politics, including the presidential primaries.
"Screwed on a lightbulb" - for jokes about how many ___ it takes to screw on a lightbulb
"walked into the bar" - For the classic "walked into a bar" jokes.
The rationale behind this was so that people can filter out joke types they don't like in RES, so if you get easily *TRIGGERED*, by dirty jokes, you can choose to hide those, or if you despise puns, you can hide those.
Conversely, you can also search by flair! So, if you have a hankering for more jokes with a longer setup, you can just click on the flair text of "Long" on any post marked as such, and it'll take you to s page that's nothing but long jokes.
If your post gets a flair, but the flair is inaccurate or shouldn't be there, please modmail us!
Please give any **constructive** feedback in modmail or as a reply to this thread!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4awhga/mod_post_weve_begun_flairing_jokes/
%
Did you hear about the farmer that failed dairy farming school?

He didn't work well with udders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4awh90/did_you_hear_about_the_farmer_that_failed_dairy/
%
Why did they produce a reality show about midgets?

Because they only wanted a little drama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4awgh1/why_did_they_produce_a_reality_show_about_midgets/
%
So, a baby seal walks into a club...

*Best joke i've ever heard.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4awfj9/so_a_baby_seal_walks_into_a_club/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2 but how did they get in there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4awdtx/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
I dressed up as a woman for a day just to see what they go through on a daily basis...

apparently women get called faggot A LOT.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4awabg/i_dressed_up_as_a_woman_for_a_day_just_to_see/
%
Why was the pilot dying?

Because he had terminal cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aw379/why_was_the_pilot_dying/
%
So, I was a pallbearer at a funeral

I was once a Pallbearer at a funeral in Wisconsin during the winter and it was cold as shit with alot of snow and ice on the ground. As we were carrying the coffin down the stairs, one of the pallbearers slipped and fell down which caused all of us to lose our grip and the coffin fell onto the icy sidewalk.
The thing is, it didn't just sit there on the ground but it started sliding down the front walk (the church was on a hill, in the middle of the town) and it went out the front gate. Now we are all chasing this coffin down the street and hill but the damn thing just kept picking up speed and momentum and we couldn't catch up to it.
At the bottom of the hill there was a drugstore and this coffin slid up the handicapped ramp and through the front door and slid right down the front aisle to the Pharmacy counter where it hit with some force. When it did that, the coffin lid popped open and the body flew forward against the counter, much to the dismay of the pharmacist and his employees.
Then the cadaver looked at the pharmacist and asked "Excuse me sir, do you have something to stop this coffin?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aw15v/so_i_was_a_pallbearer_at_a_funeral/
%
How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 - One to hold the light bulb and 29 to drink until the room spins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aw0xq/how_many_irish_guys_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
An Irishman visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer...

Old Seamus visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer and has only a few months to live. He calls his son and invites him to meet him at the pub where he delivers the sad news.
"But son," he says, "even on a gloomy occasion such as this one, 'tis our custom to drink to health and death alike, so let's raise a glass to the good times in our past and drown our sorrows about my impending demise."
The two of them make a fine night of it, matching each other pint for pint, and by midnight they're roaring drunk. Some of Seamus's friends see them drinking and toasting and come over to see what's going on.
"Well, lads," says Seamus, "'Tis a grand shame, but I'm sorry to say, I'm dying o' AIDS."
"But, Da! You dinna have AIDS - you have cancer! Why would you go and tell them a thing like that?"
"Because, son, I don't want those fellas sleeping with your mother when I'm gone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aw0ez/an_irishman_visits_the_doctor_and_is_told_he_is/
%
Walks into a bar: Pissing contest

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."
The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."
The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.
The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.
"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"
"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4avpnk/walks_into_a_bar_pissing_contest/
%
How do you piss off an emo?

Give them a dull razor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4avovk/how_do_you_piss_off_an_emo/
%
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar...

And checks his clock.
"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" - Thinks to himself.
But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.
"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up"
So he asks the barman for a coffe, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder.
At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out.
The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him:
-So... how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?
The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool:
-Not really, just hanging with some coworkers... we didn't drink much... just a couple of beers.
The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds:
-The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4avn22/a_man_has_been_drinking_alone_all_day_at_a_bar/
%
what type of shoes do artists wear?

sketchers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4avl45/what_type_of_shoes_do_artists_wear/
%
A man is talking to God.

The man says, “God, how long is a million years?”
God says, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
The man says, “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God replies, “To me it’s a penny.”
The man says, “God, can I have a penny?”
God says, “Wait a minute.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aviz4/a_man_is_talking_to_god/
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What's Edward Elric's favorite band?

My Alchemical Romance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4avawx/whats_edward_elrics_favorite_band/
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What do you call it when an Irish band is caught lip syncing?

Sham rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4av9cu/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_irish_band_is_caught/
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JFK jokes aren't funny yet

And that just blows my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4av912/jfk_jokes_arent_funny_yet/
%
Don't have shower sex

It's a slippery slope that leads to bath things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4av8ef/dont_have_shower_sex/
%
What's a redneck's favorite type of bread?

Inbred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4av7p6/whats_a_rednecks_favorite_type_of_bread/
%
Your mom

A man and his two friends are drinking at a bar and after a round or 2 in an already drunk older gentleman walks straight up to the trio looks the first man dead in the eye and says "I fucked your mum"
The other two men brace for a very one sided fist fight but are surprised to see the other man wave it off. So the drunk man staggers off to the bar and the 3 continued as they were.
About 5 minutes later the drunk walks up to the table again and says "Your mother gives the best head in town." Now surely the man wouldn't take this afront as lightly especially a second time. But once again though more reluctantly the man shrugged it off. And the drunk staggered over to the jukebox.
After choosing an old song he yells across the bar "Hey I fucked your mom to this song!" This drove the man to stand up, red in the face, and yell "Damnit Dad go home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4av7he/your_mom/
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What do you call a short sleeved British shirt?

A tea-shirt.
Please don't hurt me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4av6t9/what_do_you_call_a_short_sleeved_british_shirt/
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An Irish bar

A drunk Irishman sitting at a bar starts talking to the gentleman next to him.
'Where you from?'  He asks the stranger.
'Born and raised in Dublin, Ireland." The stranger says raising his glass.
'Get the fuck out of here, I was born and raised in Dublin also!" The man cries in surprise.  'Where'd you go to school?'
'I graduated from Saint Mary's in 1985.'
'By the stars, I graduated in 1985 from Saint Mary's also!'
The two continue talking when a regular walks into the bar.  "How are things tonight?'  He asks the bartender.
Bartender shrugs and says 'All right, the McManus twins are drunk again."
*Sure it's a repost, but one of my favorite St Patrick's Day jokes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4av2m9/an_irish_bar/
%
What did the little girl's parents want for Christmas?

A better son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4av2la/what_did_the_little_girls_parents_want_for/
%
An Indian man and Einstein

Are on a flight, Einstein makes a bet with the man sitting next to him.
"I will give you 500 dollars if you can ask me a question I don't know the answer to,however, if you cannot answer my question you must give me 5 bucks."
The man thinks it about 5:500 seems like a good ratio so he says sure.
Einstein asks what is the exact distance between Earth and the moon?
The man replies I don't know, so he hands over 5 dollars. It is then the Indian mans turn to ask Einstein a question. He asks "what goes up a hill with 4 legs and comes down with three?"
Einstein thinks and thinks and finally hands over 500 dollars. He asks "before my next question what does go up a hill with 4 leg and come down with 3?"
The Indian man gives Einstein another 5 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4auuwa/an_indian_man_and_einstein/
%
Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub, across the road from a brothel...

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub across the road from the local brothel. As they watched through the window, they saw the Methodist minister creep up to the door of the brothel and slip inside.
"Ah, now - didn't I tell you? They're all a bunch of hypocrites, that lot. Such a shame, a man o' the cloth, giving way to temptation like that."
A few minutes later, the rabbi also entered the brothel.
"Would you look at that? Always acting so pious, but look at 'im now - dirty hypocrite. Givin' way to sins o' the flesh."
As they continued drinking, complaining all the while about the lack of moral standards of the minister and the rabbi, they saw the Catholic priest creep up to the brothel and knock on the door.
"Ah, now - ain't that a shame! One o' the poor girls must be dyin', and the good Father's come to give 'er the last rites!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4austq/three_irishmen_were_sitting_in_a_pub_across_the/
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The UK announced it's removing tax from tampon sales.

Though there will undoubtedly be strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4austa/the_uk_announced_its_removing_tax_from_tampon/
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How was the Irish Jig invented?

To much beer and not enough bathrooms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4auqix/how_was_the_irish_jig_invented/
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What do you get when you cross a Jew with a Chinese person?

Cha-Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aunew/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_jew_with_a/
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Mother Superior And The Leprechans

The Mother Superior of an Irish convent hear a knock at the
door and went to answer it.  When she opened the door, she
saw two leprechauns standing outside.  One of the leprechauns
took off his hat and said, "Begging your pardon, Mother
Superior, but would you be having any midget nuns here?"
The Mother Superior said, "No, we have no midget nuns here."
The leprechaun, looking disturbed, said, "Are you quite sure,
Mother Superior?"
The Mother Superior said, "I know all the sisters, and I am
quite certain that there are no midget nuns here."
The leprechaun, now quite upset, asked, "Would you be knowing
if any other convent has midget nuns?"
The Mother Superior said, "To the best of my knowledge, there's
not a midget nun in the whole of Ireland".
The second leprechaun jabbed the first one in the ribs with
his elbow and said, "See?  I told you that you were screwing
a penguin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aum27/mother_superior_and_the_leprechans/
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An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots...

Seamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of Bushmills and three pints of Guinness.
"Rough day, friend?" the bartender asks as he pours the drinks.
"Nah - it's for me brothers. The three of us used to drink together back home in Dublin when we were younger. Now Mick's in London, Paddy's in Australia, and I'm here in New York. We hardly ever see each other these days, but when we left home, we swore we'd drink like this in honor of the times we was together."
Seamus returns every Friday night, always ordering the same thing. The lone Irishman with three shots and three pints becomes a familiar sight to the other patrons.
Then, one Friday night, Seamus comes in looking downcast. He walks up to the bartender and orders two shots and two pints. A stunned silence falls over the regular patrons.
"Oh, Seamus. I'm so sorry for your loss," says the bartender. "Which brother did you lose? Mick or Paddy?"
"Oh, no! Me brothers are fine!" says Seamus. "It's just that me wife's made me quit drinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aulrg/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_three/
%
Why are there no Irish attorneys?

None of them can pass the Bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aukqj/why_are_there_no_irish_attorneys/
%
Two Irishmen, who were the best of friends, made a pact.

Two Irishmen, Seamus and Paddy, who were the best of friends, made a pact that when one died the other would pour a bottle of fine, aged, Irish whiskey over the grave of his deceased friend. The years went by and eventually Seamus passed away.
As promised, Paddy purchased a bottle of fine Irish whiskey that had been aged for thirty years and took it out to the cemetery. He stared long and hard at the bottle and at Seamus's tombstone and a tear welled up in his eye.
"Seamus," he whispered, in a broken voice.
"Yes, Paddy?" a faint whisper arose from the grave.
"Do ye remember our pact, to pour out this fine bottle of whiskey on your grave if you died before me?"
"Yes, Paddy..."
"Well, Seamus... would ye mind if I filtered it through me kidneys first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4auhy4/two_irishmen_who_were_the_best_of_friends_made_a/
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I got really drunk on St. Patty's Day last year and took the bus home.

That may not seem like a big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4auh0s/i_got_really_drunk_on_st_pattys_day_last_year_and/
%
A man wakes up in a hospital after being in a car accident

He looks around, panic in his eyes, and sees the doctor. He cries out "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor turns to him and says, "Relax, you can't feel your legs because I cut off your arms".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aud7i/a_man_wakes_up_in_a_hospital_after_being_in_a_car/
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Why does Ms. Piggy use honey and vinegar douche?

Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4auctq/why_does_ms_piggy_use_honey_and_vinegar_douche/
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I'm sick of all of the Irish stereotypes...

As soon as I finish this drink I'm punching someone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aucpv/im_sick_of_all_of_the_irish_stereotypes/
%
I bought a fleshlight

Because fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4au88k/i_bought_a_fleshlight/
%
Why did God create Adam before Eve?

To give him a chance to say something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4au3s4/why_did_god_create_adam_before_eve/
%
How many beans are in Irish Chili?

239, because if there was 1 more it would be "Too Farty".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4atzz9/how_many_beans_are_in_irish_chili/
%
An American walks into an Irish pub...

He says "I'll bet $1000 that no Irish man in here can drink 10 Guinness pints in under two minutes!" The Irish men at the bar pay him no attention. The American gets louder and louder, daring any Irish man to accept his challenge. One Irish man at the end of the bar, looking fed up with the loud American, leaves.
Five minutes later, the Irish man returns. The American is still offering his bet. The Irish man says to him, "I'll accept your challenge. Line them up."
The bartender pounds ten pints of Guinness and lines them up in a row. Everyone is watching. The Irish man says "start the clock!". The clock starts, and he downs each Guinness in order, one by one, until they're all gone in under two minutes.
The American is amazed. He says "That was the most incredible thing I've ever seen! But one question - where did you go for five minutes before coming back in and accepting my bet?"
The Irish man replied "Well, I went to go to the pub next door to make sure I could do it first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4atz34/an_american_walks_into_an_irish_pub/
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An Irish prayer...

On a cold winter night; an older Irishman walks down the street using his prized glass flask of whiskey to keep warm.  Just as he returns it to his back pocket he slips on ice and falls with a crunch.  As he lay there assessing his injuries, he feels warm liquid running down his leg.
He closed his eyes and said, "Please Lord, let it be blood."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4atxm4/an_irish_prayer/
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A man walks into a bar (NSFW)

A man walks into a bar, and as men do at bars he orders a beer. And soon it turns into several beers. And as men do after several beers this man is gets rather drunk and needs to piss. So he walks into the bathroom and uses one of the urinals. He looks down to the urinal next to him and sees a short man in a green suit taking a piss. This little guy has the absolutely largest dick that the man has ever seen. The man is absolutely shocked.
In this man's drunken stupor he blurts out, "Oy, that is one fucking big cock ya got there!"
The little man in the green suit looks up and says, "Well of course I do, all leprechauns do!"
The man is even more shocked now, "Wait you're a fuckin' leprechaun?!"
Slowly the man tries to process this and suddenly grabs the leprechaun and says, "Well, now you need to give me your pot of gold!"
The little man looks up sadly and responds, "Well, you see, in this economy we leprechauns don't have pots of gold anymore. We decided it would be easier to grant a wish to the people who catch us, but there is a catch. If you want the wish you need to let me fuck you in the ass."
The man thinks for a second and agrees. The idea of getting anything he wants is just too tempting despite the massive size of the leprechaun's cock.
So they move to a stall, the little man jumps up on the toilet, and they start fucking. The little guy really starts giving it to him.
After about 15 minutes the man is really starting to regret his decision. Then the little man asks, "What's your name, friend?"
The man is barely able to talk while getting fucked in the ass like this, but he just manages to get out, "My name is Dave."
"Oh by the way, how old are ye, Dave?"
"35"
"Wow 35 years old and you still be believe in leprechauns!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4atx0d/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_nsfw/
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An American walks into an Irish bar...

... and approaches the bartender and says, "I'd like an Irish car bomb."
The bartender says, "Let me see what I can do," and disappears to the back of the bar. He comes back with two highball glasses filled with vodka. He then proceeds to light them on fire.
"Here ya go."
"Uh, that's not really what I was expecting," the American says.
"Yeah, I know," says the bartender, "we're all out of Irish car bombs. But here, you can have a 9/11."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4atuy5/an_american_walks_into_an_irish_bar/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are at a bar

A fly lands on the edge of the Englishman's pint. He says to the bartender, "This beer's gone bad, I'd like another."
The fly lands in the Scotsman's pint. He pulls it out and tosses it on the bar. "Tis just a fly, it didnae hurt anybody," he says and takes a big gulp.
The fly then lands in the Irishman's pint. He pulls the fly out squeezes the fly and shakes it, and says, "Spit it out, ya greedy bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4atuv2/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are_at_a/
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Irish Jokes Megathread

Post all of your Irish, St. Patrick's Day, or good ol' Emerald Isle jokes for the day here! I'd like to share some with coworkers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4atpx6/irish_jokes_megathread/
%
Another Irish joke involving beer

While attending the World Beer Conference, the CEOs of Anhueser-Busch, Coors, and Guiness went out to eat together. When the waitress asked them what they would like to drink, the CEO of Anhueser-Busch replied, "Get me a Budweiser, the king of beers!" Not to be outdone, the Coors CEO told her, "I want a Coors. It's as refreshing as a Rocky Mountain spring!" The waitress turned to the Guiness CEO, who ordered a Diet Coke. Surprised, his companions asked why he hadn't ordered a Guiness. Smiling, he told them, "I figured if you fellows weren't going to have a beer, I shouldn't either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4atpgq/another_irish_joke_involving_beer/
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An Irish man walks out of the bar...

And he's staggering all over the place. He drops his trousers and starts pissing on the sidewalk. He walks up to his car and fumbles with his keys repeatedly, but eventually gets in and starts it and drives away swerving all over the place.
A police officer is watching this happen and turns on his lights and pulls the Irish man over. The Irish man is slurring his speech so the officer gets him to perform the sobriety test. He passes with flying colours. Shocked, the officer gets him to try again and he passes again.
What the hell is wrong with you? asks the officer. You're clearly drunk, so how are you passing the test?
Well, you see, occifer, he slurs, I'm the DD.
You shouldn't be driving drunk!
I'm not, I'm the designated decoy! While you were trying to catch me, all my buds got away safely. So long, sucker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4atlr6/an_irish_man_walks_out_of_the_bar/
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My dad just told me I should "stop wasting my life and do something meaningful"

Dad jokes, am I right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4atlid/my_dad_just_told_me_i_should_stop_wasting_my_life/
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I'm so sick of all the Irish stereotypes...

As soon as I put down this beer, I'm going to punch someone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4atis3/im_so_sick_of_all_the_irish_stereotypes/
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How do you confuse Hellen Keller?

step on her books with golf shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4atf96/how_do_you_confuse_hellen_keller/
%
What's the difference between apathy & empathy?

Don't know.  Don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4atajr/whats_the_difference_between_apathy_empathy/
%
What's green and sits on the porch?

Paddy O'Furniture.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4at83d/whats_green_and_sits_on_the_porch/
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A 96 year old man goes to an addictions therapy meeting...

He listens as each person explains their addiction and then its his turn.
"Hello, my name is Bob and I have a sex addiction," he says.  "I have sex at least once a day, sometimes two or three times."
"Hello Bob," says the therapist.  "Glad you are here. Never too old to get help."
"Help?" says Bob, "I ain't here to get help. I just came to brag!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4at6id/a_96_year_old_man_goes_to_an_addictions_therapy/
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Know the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On St. Patrick's Day everyone wants to be Irish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4at6br/know_the_difference_between_st_patricks_day_and/
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If there's one thing I know about Mexican stand offs...

In the end, there can only be Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4at5hl/if_theres_one_thing_i_know_about_mexican_stand/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4at29m/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4asy70/what_do_you_call_a_tennis_match_between_helen/
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I've made many sacrifices to get where I am today.

Most of them were children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ast0d/ive_made_many_sacrifices_to_get_where_i_am_today/
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A man is getting married, and decides to get a tattoo to honor his bride to be

He wants to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When he goes to get it done, he finds out that it has to be hard.
As a result, his flaccid penis just says WY.
On their honey moon in jamaica, this man finds himself in the bathroom at a bar next to the local bartender. Rather drunk, he accidentally looks over and sees that thr bartender has a tattoo on his penis that also says WY.
He says, "hey, is your wife named Wendy too?"
The bartender say, "Nah mon, it says welcome to Jamaica, enjoy your stay"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4asplv/a_man_is_getting_married_and_decides_to_get_a/
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An Irish guy walks out of a bar....

It could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4asj1j/an_irish_guy_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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The Lion and the Monkey

A lion and lioness are sitting in their den, when a monkey climbs up a nearby tree and starts insulting the mighty lion.
The lioness starts to get angry and says, "King of the jungle, how dare you allow this puny monkey to insult you? You must punish him."
"You are right, but you know what? I am king of the jungle and I must not lower myself to his level. Let's ignore it."
The lioness, astonished, sat in silence. Yet the monkey kept on. After sometime, the lioness looses her patience.
"I cannot allow this any longer. I'm going to teach that monkey a lesson."
So the lioness chases after the monkey. After a long chase she finds herself out of the jungle and at a construction site. She sees the monkey going through a narrow pipe and leaps in after him. The pipe apparently was not large enough, and the lioness gets stuck.
Seeing that the lioness is stuck, the monkey walks around behind her.
"Who's a bad girl? Who's a bad girl?!!" he yells as he screws her from behind, over and over again. The monkey has his way and then finally leaves with a big smile on his face.
After an hour long struggle, the lioness finally frees herself from the pipe. Injured, and completely embarrassed, she returns home to the jungle and to her king.
"So how did the hunt go?" the lion curiously asked.
The lioness couldn't even look at him.
"Aaahhh, he took you to the construction site didn't he?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4asi3r/the_lion_and_the_monkey/
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99 bugs in my code, 99 bugs in my code...

Take one down, fix em' around, 404 bugs in my code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ashpu/99_bugs_in_my_code_99_bugs_in_my_code/
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I should clean mirrors for a living.

It's a profession I see myself in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4asfd9/i_should_clean_mirrors_for_a_living/
%
Why didn't Jesus start a charity?

Cuz they're not for prophets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aseh5/why_didnt_jesus_start_a_charity/
%
My dog chases people on a bike a lot.

If this continues i'll have to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4asccf/my_dog_chases_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
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Two intoxicated hobos were walking on a railroad track.

After a while of struggling, one of them slurred, "This must be the longest staircase in the world."  The other replied in a drunken lisp, "That's not so bad.  But, what's killing me are these low handrails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4as7b2/two_intoxicated_hobos_were_walking_on_a_railroad/
%
What's a 6.9?

Another great thing ruined by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4as1z0/whats_a_69/
%
I could tell you a UDP joke...

But you might not get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4as0ey/i_could_tell_you_a_udp_joke/
%
I once saw a headstone that read "here lies a politician and an honest man."

I wonder how they fit two people in one casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4arzma/i_once_saw_a_headstone_that_read_here_lies_a/
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Boy asks his dad

A boy asks his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs, when their thumbs are not green?"
The dad replies, "It's just a saying,son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing they say they have been caught "red handed", even though their hands are actually black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4arxpu/boy_asks_his_dad/
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A Young Boy

A young boy was crossing the street on his way to school one day when a car ran a stop sign and hit him, leaving him dying on the side of the road before speeding off.
As he lay there in pain, a lady came running over to him and asked if he wanted her to call a priest.
The boy looked up at her in disbelief; "How the hell can you be thinking about sex at a time like this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4arwky/a_young_boy/
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Did you hear about the Rabbi who made his own fireworks? He called them

Mazel Tov Cocktails
^(I am **so** sorry)
^^I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4arw1y/did_you_hear_about_the_rabbi_who_made_his_own/
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Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4art64/why_couldnt_helen_keller_drive/
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What does a nosy chili pepper do?

Gets jalapeno business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4arrpe/what_does_a_nosy_chili_pepper_do/
%
You know how drinks always mention "Please drink responsibly" ?

... Well I want to start a beef jerky brand that mentions "Please jerk responsibly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4arq06/you_know_how_drinks_always_mention_please_drink/
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What do you call a Greek arsonist?

A πρ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4arphw/what_do_you_call_a_greek_arsonist/
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What do you call a guy with two marijuanas?

Double jointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4arp7u/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_two_marijuanas/
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The only 'B' word you should ever call a woman is "beautiful"...

...because bitches love it when you call them "beautiful"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4arp15/the_only_b_word_you_should_ever_call_a_woman_is/
%
Have you heard of the new deodorant called umpire?

It's for foul balls!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4arnm9/have_you_heard_of_the_new_deodorant_called_umpire/
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Two classical musicians had sex for the first time together.

Woman: "That's a pretty small organ you're playing down there."
Man: "Well, I didn't know I would be performing in Carnegie Hall tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4armk8/two_classical_musicians_had_sex_for_the_first/
%
3 NoSql database admins went to a bar but came out immediately. Why? ...

... They could not find a table :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4arja8/3_nosql_database_admins_went_to_a_bar_but_came/
%
You know what makes a lot of sense?

A dollar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4argow/you_know_what_makes_a_lot_of_sense/
%
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot...

The bartender says, "Wow! That is really cool! Where did you get it?"
"Africa", says the parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4arbnd/a_black_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_parrot/
%
A man drives by a police camera and it flashes...

A man drives by a police camera and it flashes. Relatively sure that he was not speeding, he goes around and drives by the camera again, this time keeping an eye on his speed and going 10 mph under the limit and it still flashes.
Surprised, he goes around and drives by a 3rd time, this time going even slower while looking at the camera. As he passes by, it flashes a 3rd time.
Finding it hilarious, he goes around a 4th time, this time he goes at a crawling speed while making faces at the camera and indeed it flashes. He laughs his ass off and goes home, eager to tell his story to his wife.
2 weeks later he receives 4 infractions for not wearing his seat belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ar50v/a_man_drives_by_a_police_camera_and_it_flashes/
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Why do jews believe in God?

Because Isreal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ar3bt/why_do_jews_believe_in_god/
%
So I gave a Friar a joint....

He's a High Priest now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ar2pk/so_i_gave_a_friar_a_joint/
%
A stork will always bring a baby.....

But a swallow never will

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ar2hc/a_stork_will_always_bring_a_baby/
%
It might take a village to raise a child...

but it only takes a viking to raze a village.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ar2gd/it_might_take_a_village_to_raise_a_child/
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What device can make prostitution legal?

A camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ar18o/what_device_can_make_prostitution_legal/
%
That sunken Nazi submarine they just found is a lot like my girlfriend

Dead and full of seamen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aqxqf/that_sunken_nazi_submarine_they_just_found_is_a/
%
What has nine arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aqwee/what_has_nine_arms_and_sucks/
%
Why can't a T-Rex clap?

Because they're all dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aqq3t/why_cant_a_trex_clap/
%
Up votes are a bit like my sex life.

It doesn't happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aqmcn/up_votes_are_a_bit_like_my_sex_life/
%
A man threw milk at an old woman before...

I said how dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aqiz9/a_man_threw_milk_at_an_old_woman_before/
%
Did you hear about the mass shooting at the thrift shop?

The killer was said to be goodwill hunting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aqihn/did_you_hear_about_the_mass_shooting_at_the/
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I inherited an Epipen

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aq5ny/i_inherited_an_epipen/
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What starts with N, has two Gs in the middle, and has no business wearing a pointy white hood?

Your noggin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aq0d0/what_starts_with_n_has_two_gs_in_the_middle_and/
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A blonde joke (that i didn't make nor take credit for)

A blonde wakes up one morning and decides she wants to do a puzzle. So she reaches into the cabinet and grabs a box. After 4 hours of trying to match the pieces together she finally breaks down and calls her boyfriend for help.
Blonde: "I've been trying to get this puzzle together for over four hours and I can't even find one piece."
Boyfriend: "What's the picture on the box?"
Blonde: "A tiger with a bowl of cereal on a blue background."
Boyfriend: "Honey... Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aq03o/a_blonde_joke_that_i_didnt_make_nor_take_credit/
%
So a Math Major goes in for a job interview...

.... and when he does the man interviewing him asks him to tell him about himself.
The Math Major stuttered and didn't really know how to respond so the man says "tell me about yourself, give me any qualities."
So the Math Major immediately replies "greater than, less than, or equal to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4apw0e/so_a_math_major_goes_in_for_a_job_interview/
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What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4apufw/what_did_the_zen_master_say_to_the_hot_dog_vendor/
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So there was a bomb threat at my school today...

Tomorrow's gonna be a blast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aprw6/so_there_was_a_bomb_threat_at_my_school_today/
%
Why was the Facebook post redundant?

Because I already reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4apqhd/why_was_the_facebook_post_redundant/
%
A man, his sister and his wife walk into the voting booth to vote for Donald Trump.

They've both given it a lot of thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4appyq/a_man_his_sister_and_his_wife_walk_into_the/
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One nation, under Trump, divisible...

Trade liberty and justice for Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4appi5/one_nation_under_trump_divisible/
%
A snail goes into a Porsche dealership...

He calls the salesperson over and asks what is the most expensive car he has on the lot.  The dealer takes him over to look at the Panamera Turbo.  The snail, without any hesitation says he wants it.  "I will buy it under one condition," says the snail.  "I want a big Black S painted on the hood, the trunk the doors".  The salesman looks shocked and appalled and says, "But sir, this car is over $200,000, why would you ruin it like that".  The snail says, "So when I am cruising down the road everyone will point and say, Look at that S Car Go!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4app3v/a_snail_goes_into_a_porsche_dealership/
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What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton?

Bill has had sex in the White House.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4apom7/whats_the_difference_between_hillary_clinton_and/
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The man and the cat

There once was a man who hated his wife's cat.
One day he decided to get rid of it so he grabbed the cat and drove 5 miles away.
He got back home and to his surprise the cat was home before him.
Not wanting to give up, he picked the cat up again and drove 25 miles away
Again he returned home just to see the cat there before him again.
"THAT'S IT!" Exclaimed the man.
He grabbed the cat again and drove 50 miles away going through many back roads in the country and dropped the cat off in the middle of nowhere.
Hours passed by.
The wife received a call by the husband.
"Honey is the cat there yet?"
"Yes, why?"
"Can you put him on the phone? I need directions back home..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4apnoo/the_man_and_the_cat/
%
What sea mammal controls Nazi Germany?

Adolf-in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4apmh8/what_sea_mammal_controls_nazi_germany/
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What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut?

Remove only the top 1% please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4apma2/what_does_bernie_sanders_say_when_he_gets_a/
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A man goes to confession

He says to the priest: "Forgive me father for I have committed adultery... I think."
"What do you mean you think? You're not sure if you've committed adultery?" Inquired the priest.
"Well father. I was with a woman and things were about to get nasty. I THOUGHT about putting it in but never actually put it in. And so I decided to leave."
"Of course that's adultery!" Replied the priest. "THINKING about putting it in is the SAME as putting it in. Now for penance I want you to pray 10 Our Fathers and leave $50 in the donation box."
So the man leaves the confessional and says his prayers. Then he approaches the donation box for a moment and begins to leave, but the priest runs over and stops him.
"My son! I saw that you prayed your penance but you haven't made your donation!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I thought real hard about putting it in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4apl5o/a_man_goes_to_confession/
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What do you call a HRC supporter?

A journalist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4apiu0/what_do_you_call_a_hrc_supporter/
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If at first you don't succeed...

skydiving isn't for you...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aphl9/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
Factory Workers

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4apggk/factory_workers/
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Tomatoes grow so fast.

Other plants can't even ketchup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4apg3x/tomatoes_grow_so_fast/
%
There are three kinds of people...

The ones who say the glass is half full,
The ones who say the glass is half empty,
And the one who thinks you should have gotten a smaller glass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4apewj/there_are_three_kinds_of_people/
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The Pope among the people

The Pope comes to visit Los Angeles for a large conference. He realizes that he's been among the church elders for so long that he's lost touch with the common people. So he slips into some street clothes and heads downtown. While walking around, he is repeatedly propositioned by hookers.
"$50 for some head?" "You want some head, honey? $50"
This confuses him because he doesn't know modern slang. The next day back at the conference, he pulls one of the local nuns aside and asks her.
"I'm sorry to bother you sister, but I must ask: What is head?"
"$50, same as downtown."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ap6y8/the_pope_among_the_people/
%
Students at Medical School

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ap6re/students_at_medical_school/
%
I was having dinner with my folks when dad called me a son of a bitch.

I said, "Listen, I don't disagree--but she's sitting right THERE."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ap29e/i_was_having_dinner_with_my_folks_when_dad_called/
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Two Hobos are walking along a train track.

The one hobo goes to the other hobo, "Did I ever tell you about the best day of my life?  I was walking down these very same tracks and out of the corner of my eye I saw a 50 dollar bill stuck between a track.  I bought myself a case of Thunder Ripple and me and Sneaky Pete and One Eyed Dan partied all weekend like there was no tomorrow.  Man that was a good time."
The other hobo replied, "Wow, that sound great! Let me tell you about the best couple of days of my life.  I was walking along these very same tracks too when I came upon a beautiful naked women tied to the tracks. She had skin so fair and voluptuous breasts.  I made sweet love her for the whole weekend. Never had a time like that ever again."
"Sweet Jesus, that's incredible" the other hobo practically screamed, "Did she ever go down on you, if you know what I mean?
"Nope. Funny thing that, I never could find her head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ap26o/two_hobos_are_walking_along_a_train_track/
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Donald trump wants to run for president, Why not?

Wouldn't be the first time he's pushed a black family out of their home.
(Snoop Dogg - /u/Here_Comes_The_King )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ap128/donald_trump_wants_to_run_for_president_why_not/
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The creator of predictive text died today

His funfair is next monkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aozhd/the_creator_of_predictive_text_died_today/
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Daaaaamn girl! You're like a fire alarm!

Really loud and annoying!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aowtg/daaaaamn_girl_youre_like_a_fire_alarm/
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How does Satan measure his mass?

In pentagrams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aovlt/how_does_satan_measure_his_mass/
%
Jerks of the Highway

(Heard long ago, source: unknown)
A man is driving his car on [U.S. 50 through Nevada](http://unusualplaces.org/u-s-route-50-americas-loneliest-road/), and he's rather surprised to see someone jump out in the road in front of him dressed in bright green from head to foot. The driver slams on his brakes to avoid hitting the green-clad man, then rolls down his window to yell out "Are you okay?"
"Why, yes I am! Thank you for stopping, I'm the green jerk of the highway! To pass, you must hand over a snack!"
The driver, dazed, grabs a bag of chips that he'd bought for his trip. The green jerk of the highway steps back from the vehicle, then grandly waves the driver on.
Twenty minutes later, a fellow dressed all in red jumps out onto the road; the driver stomps on his brakes, and is confronted with "I'm the red jerk of the highway! To pass, you must hand over three, one dollar bills!" The driver opens his wallet up and pulls out three, one dollar bills. By this point, he's starting to get really suspicious because the green jerk knew he had snacks and the red jerk knew he had three one dollar bills. But, the red jerk steps back and grandly waves him on.
The driver steps on it, eager to get past *whatever* this nonsense is, but is soon confronted by someone stepping into the road wearing all blue. The driver slams on his brakes, roll down his window and yells out. "Who the *#$% are you?! The blue jerk of the highway?! What the hell do you want?"
"Driver's license, proof of insurance, and vehicle registration, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aov3n/jerks_of_the_highway/
%
"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aouvs/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
%
Paddy and Danny got in the car

for the journey home and said their goodbyes to their friend Mick.
"Thanks for putting us up for the weekend," said Paddy. "The food was great, the booze was great, and I really enjoyed screwing your wife!"
On the way home, Danny turned to Paddy and said: "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying screwing his wife?"
"No," said Paddy, "I can't say that I enjoyed it, but I didn't want to hurt Mick's feelings."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aoupf/paddy_and_danny_got_in_the_car/
%
What kind of exercise did Jesus do?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aoq3h/what_kind_of_exercise_did_jesus_do/
%
A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is...

These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aoq1r/a_major_yet_unspoken_difference_between_medieval/
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To me Bernie Sanders is more like God

It is not the guy I have problem with but the fan club freaks me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aoozf/to_me_bernie_sanders_is_more_like_god/
%
Why is the ocean salty?

Because the land never waves back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aoo1m/why_is_the_ocean_salty/
%
I started a company...

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.  Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aol73/i_started_a_company/
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Why are pills white?

Because they work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aokq4/why_are_pills_white/
%
I asked my dog if he'd ever heard of Pavlov

He said, "I can't say for sure, but the name rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aok87/i_asked_my_dog_if_hed_ever_heard_of_pavlov/
%
What is black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aoiz5/what_is_black_and_screams/
%
C sections.

They really take it out of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aoitb/c_sections/
%
TIFU by sitting next to a really hot Thai chick on the bus home today

and kept thinking, "Don't get an erection, don't don't don't..."
But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aoisu/tifu_by_sitting_next_to_a_really_hot_thai_chick/
%
Jamal and Billy are in Kindergarten.

One day, the class is learning addition.  Billy quickly masters it, but Jamal has difficulty doing 2+2.  Jamal goes home and asks his mom: "Mom, why is Billy so much better at addition than me?"  His mom responds "It's because he's white and you're black."  The next day, the class is learning the alphabet.  Billy is able to recite the whole thing but Jamal can't get past the letter E.  Jamal goes home and asks his mom: "Mom, why is Billy so much better with the alphabet than me?"  His mom responds "It's because he's white and you're black."  The next day, Jamal and Billy are in the bathroom and Jamal notices that Billy's penis is smaller than his.  Jamal goes home and asks his mom "Mom, why is Billy's penis so much smaller than mine?  Is it because he's white and I'm black?"  His mom responds "No, Jamal, it's because he's six and you're eighteen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aoidq/jamal_and_billy_are_in_kindergarten/
%
What's the difference between a Mormon man and a Muslim man.

A Mormon man gets 72 virgins and THEN kills himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aoaxs/whats_the_difference_between_a_mormon_man_and_a/
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What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?

A widow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aoalo/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_always_knows_where/
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The Frog & The Engineer

An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll become your girlfriend."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll become your wife."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog said, "What is the matter? I'm a beautiful princess. Why won`t you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ao5yz/the_frog_the_engineer/
%
That's a deep hole!

Two guys were walking through the woods one day. When they found a small clearing in the woods, they noticed that there was a big hole in the middle of it. Being curious, one guy said to the other "I wonder how deep it is?" So he picks up a small rock and drops it down the hole. They both listen for the rock to hit bottom, but they don't hear anything. So the other guy picks up a larger rock and drops it into the hole. Again they listen, but hear nothing. "That's a pretty deep hole!" said the second guy. After a few more rocks were thrown in with no sound, the first guy says to the other guy, "Hey, help me throw this old tree trunk in there. That'll make some noise for sure!" So the men throw the huge log into the hole. As they're waiting for a sound a goat suddenly busts through the treeline running as fast as it can towards the hole! When the goat reaches the hole, it jumps up in the air and goes straight down into the hole.
As the two men were standing there in shock as to what just happened, a farmer walked into the clearing. The farmer asked the guys "What are you two doing out here?" The men explained the whole thing that just happened with the goat. The farmer scratches his head and said "Hmmm, yep that is pretty unusual. Well no worries, I know that it wasn't my goat. You see, I keep my goat tied up to a huge log."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4anw83/thats_a_deep_hole/
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Trump Says Immigrants take Jobs Americans Refuse to take.

Like being his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4anqtd/trump_says_immigrants_take_jobs_americans_refuse/
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What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4annvr/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
%
What do you call your first masturbatuon?

A firsthand experience

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4anl07/what_do_you_call_your_first_masturbatuon/
%
What's the instrument of oppression?

the Trumpet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4anhf2/whats_the_instrument_of_oppression/
%
What symphony is a pedophiles favorite?

Mozarts' Flute in A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4angqy/what_symphony_is_a_pedophiles_favorite/
%
A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4anesy/a_65_year_old_woman_had_a_heart_attack_and_was/
%
A horse walks into a bar

. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies I don't think I am" "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, "I doubt. Therefore I think, therefore, I am."
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4and6m/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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A Mother Decides to Give her Daughter a Reward for Good Grades

As a young girl is starting in a new school that is supposed to be very difficult, her mother decides to give her daughter a reward for getting good grades.
"Every quarter you get all A's I'll buy you any toy you want." says the mother.
First quarter report cards come in, little girl gets all A's.  Mother takes the daughter to the Toy Store, where the daughter pics out a Barbie.
The mother says same deal for next quarter, "If you get all A's, I'll buy you any toy you want."
Next report card comes, again little girl gets all A's.  Mom takes the daughter to the Toy Store, where the little girl pics out a G.I. Joe.
The mom tells the little girl "Honey, don't you know Barbie comes with Ken?"
Little girl says "No mom, Barbie comes with G.I. Joe, Barbie just fakes it with Ken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4an09w/a_mother_decides_to_give_her_daughter_a_reward/
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Job interview for a circus

A man is having a job interview for a circus. The interviewer asks: "What's your ability?"
"I can imitate birds"
"Look, I'm sorry but this is not the kind of things we are looking for"
The guy answers: "Fine, fine, thanks anyway", then he opens the window and flies away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4an01n/job_interview_for_a_circus/
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Whats the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4amzqb/whats_the_worst_part_of_breaking_up_with_a/
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Bill and Tom want to go out drinking

The problem is Bill and Tom only have $2 between them. Billy gets and idea, runs over to 7/11 and buys a hot dog. They get to the first bar, order a beer and drink the beer. When it's time to pay, Bill places the hot dog between his zipper, Tom gets on his knees and starts sucking the hot dog. Bartender looks at what's going on and yells "get the hell out of my bar". This tricks works for the next few bars, however Tom looks at Bill and says, you know this is fun and all, but I'm getting kind of hungry. To which Billy replies, not me I ate the hot dog three bars ago.
LPT: instead of Bill and Tom, use your two best friends names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4amz7n/bill_and_tom_want_to_go_out_drinking/
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There are 10 kinds of people in this world...

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4amvey/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
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My wife called me a paedophile yesterday

Quite a long word for a 9 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4amten/my_wife_called_me_a_paedophile_yesterday/
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Whats brown and sticky?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ams7r/whats_brown_and_sticky/
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What A Day...

I phoned my girlfriend and said, “What a day! I accidentally threw the dog’s ball off a cliff.”
“Oh dear,” she said. “Did you have to go down and get it?”
I replied, “Nah. I won't need it any more.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4amqvh/what_a_day/
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Miley Cyrus is a strictly american phenomenon...

most everywhere else in the world, she'd be Kilometery Cyrus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4amo5i/miley_cyrus_is_a_strictly_american_phenomenon/
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Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet deep?

Because deep down, they're good people.
Thanks Saul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4amhne/why_do_they_bury_lawyers_20_feet_deep/
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Why is it so hard for programmers to get a prescription for pain killers?

They have a history with codeine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4amhab/why_is_it_so_hard_for_programmers_to_get_a/
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What's the difference between a 4 year old boy and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4amdlm/whats_the_difference_between_a_4_year_old_boy_and/
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I patented a new bullet that will kill 2 deer at once

You get more buck for your bang!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4amcho/i_patented_a_new_bullet_that_will_kill_2_deer_at/
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My friend asked me how it felt to be able to say that i was married

I said that "It has a nice ring to it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4am1iv/my_friend_asked_me_how_it_felt_to_be_able_to_say/
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A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4alzxr/a_13_year_old_boy_has_difficulty_with_mathematics/
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You're doing three knots, sailor

An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old time's sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, asks "How am I doing Darlin?"
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three
knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She replies, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4alyk6/youre_doing_three_knots_sailor/
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How many Nazis does it take to screw in 6 million lightbulbs?

One. The rest were just following orders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4altwu/how_many_nazis_does_it_take_to_screw_in_6_million/
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Police Officer and the Pothead

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4alq5v/police_officer_and_the_pothead/
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What is a store for dogs called?

A Superbarket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aldph/what_is_a_store_for_dogs_called/
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I painted my computer black so it would run faster

but now it doesn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4al905/i_painted_my_computer_black_so_it_would_run_faster/
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Why did Hitler visit the optometrist so much?

cause he could nazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4al6ks/why_did_hitler_visit_the_optometrist_so_much/
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How to propose to a stoner:

Marriage ya wanna?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4al64a/how_to_propose_to_a_stoner/
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What is Hillary Clintons favorite type of footwear?

flip-flops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4akynq/what_is_hillary_clintons_favorite_type_of_footwear/
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How do you make an ugly kid?

Go ask your mother
Courtesy of a hot dog vendor in Atlanta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4akprc/how_do_you_make_an_ugly_kid/
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A wife asks her husband...

"do you piss in the shower?"
"Of course" he replies.
"that's disgusting" she shrieks
"but honey, I always piss when I take a shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4akmuz/a_wife_asks_her_husband/
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Men are the best cooks...

One sausage, two eggs, bit of milk and they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4akixa/men_are_the_best_cooks/
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Why does Bernie Sanders hate icebergs?

Because only the top 1% can stay above water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4akhm6/why_does_bernie_sanders_hate_icebergs/
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A man and two women die and go to heaven

They reach the pearly gates, where St. Peter greets them and has them sign some legal papers. They are confused, but sign anyway, eager to get to paradise.
As they finish, St. Peter points to the last paragraph of the papers, saying, "Pay special attention to that provision. Do NOT step on a duck."
The three are confused, and think it's just a joke so they smile and nod. The gates are opened and they enter heaven, realizing heaven is just FILLED with ducks. They're everywhere, shoulder to shoulder, hardly even any room for milling about.
Within minutes, the man steps on a duck. It quacks, and all the other ducks around it quack, and soon all the ducks in heaven are quacking. God hates the cacophony. St. Peter appears and, without a word, chains the ugliest woman in the world to him for all of eternity.
About an hour later, one of the women steps on a duck. St. Peter appears and, without a word, chains the ugliest man in the world to her for all of eternity.
The second woman, however, is very careful. She shuffles her feet around, carefully avoiding stepping on any ducks at all! About a week goes by when St. Peter appears and, without a word, chains the most beautiful man in the world to her for all of eternity, then disappears.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "I don't know what I did to deserve this!"
The man glances at her and says, "I dunno, but I stepped on a duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4akgbw/a_man_and_two_women_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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LPT: Masturbate before texting your Ex.

It'll make you cum to your senses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4akfki/lpt_masturbate_before_texting_your_ex/
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How do you starve a Socialist?

You hide their food stamps under their work boots.
Edit; Thank you /u/DoctorBrohoof for my first gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4akcpw/how_do_you_starve_a_socialist/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a leg, hand and eye missing...

ONe of his old friends happens to be in this same bar and immediately calls to him, "Hey, Cap'n! Long time no see! You seem rough, care to explain?"
The captain explains his leg first. "I lost a bet in a gambling, and I had to get into a cannon to be launched into the sea. One of my men got too excited and lit the thing before I was all the way into the cannon."
The friend nods and the captain continues.
"As for my hand, I had to swordfight another captain when he raided my ship, after stalking it for a week at sea after we dug up a large chest of doubloons. It was a long battle but in the end, my crew and I were victorious, the only loss was gunpowder and my hand."
"What about your eyepatch?"
"A seagull dropped a white one as I looked to the skies with my golden scope."
"So THAT'S why you have an eyepatch?"
"Nah, it was my first day with the hook."
That was my first joke to /r/jokes . I hope it was entertaining! I'm sure the real version of this joke is floating around out there, this is just my interpretation of it from when I heard it on a vague radio show when I was 7 years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4akanp/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_leg_hand_and_eye/
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THE ANSWER

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ak0d5/the_answer/
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I'm glad my parents told me I'm adopted

But I don't know why they tell me everday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajyy5/im_glad_my_parents_told_me_im_adopted/
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American marine looks for a seat in a train

In one compartment, he finds a seat near a French elderly woman looking very important. Unfortunately, that seat is occupied by that woman's chihuahua. So he politely asks her if he can sit there.
She very angrily responds: “You Americans are so rude! My Ruby is sitting there!”
He gives up and searches for another seat. Unfortunately, the whole train is full. So he returns back and asks again. The woman responds even more angrily: “You Americans are not just rude but also arrogant! I have already told you that my Ruby is sitting there!”
The American can't stand it anymore, picks the chihuahua up and throws her out of the window. The woman starts screaming that he has to get her back, that she will complain to the steward and that he will be court-martialed and executed for that.
In that moment, an English gentleman sitting in the corner of the compartment that was watching it the whole time calmly states: “You Americans tend to do the complete opposite of what is the common sense. Not only you eat with the fork in the wrong hand and drive on the wrong side of the road but now, you have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajxi5/american_marine_looks_for_a_seat_in_a_train/
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A man is on his death bed and he tells his wife fight never to fight with her in laws after his death.

He says otherwise every time she fights his body would turn in his grave. She agrees and he dies peacefully. The wife lives her life out and when dies is buried in the same cemetery. At the night she asks her neighbors have they seen her husband Bob.
The neighbors tell her there are like hundreds of Bobs in this cemetery, and ask her to give some more information about Bob. She says he must be here turning in his grave sometimes.
And every one says. Oh yeah "Bob The Turbine", we know him.
PS: It is extremely funny in my native language (Punjabi) I am not sure i did justice translating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajwf2/a_man_is_on_his_death_bed_and_he_tells_his_wife/
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What's Pingu's favourite band?

Slipnoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajty5/whats_pingus_favourite_band/
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What's the NSA's favourite game?

I spy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajtp8/whats_the_nsas_favourite_game/
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husband and wife ?

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
hAHAHAHAHA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajrzi/husband_and_wife/
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Is there a problem, Officer?

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajreu/is_there_a_problem_officer/
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Hitler on mining

"Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"
[Hitler rubs chin]
"So mine less"
[Grammar Nazi bursts through the door]
"MINE FEWER!"
[Hitler looks up]
"Yes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajl8f/hitler_on_mining/
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Two men go hunting......

One guy is looking through his new scope and says, "Hey I can see your house from here and your wife's cheating on ya." He buddy says, "I'm tired of her. Shoot her in the head and him in the private parts." He looks back and says, "I can get that in one shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajkq8/two_men_go_hunting/
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Temptations

A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."  The priest then asked, "But have you ever eaten pork?"  "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a ham sandwich."  The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"  The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."  The rabbi then asked him, "And father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"  The priest reddened, but realized he had brought the whole mess up, so he honestly replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."  The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.  Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajkln/temptations/
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Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35?

A: Because 36 would be too many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajk5o/q_why_do_mormon_women_stop_having_babies_at_35/
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Voodoo Dick

A man returns from a business trip in New Orleans and he brings his wife home a present. She opens the box and inside finds a dildo. Her husband explains to her that this is no ordinary dildo, and that he bought it from a Witch Doctor.
"It's magic!" the husband exclaims, and he proceeds to show his wife how it works.
"You must say 'Voodoo dick, Voodoo dick,' then name the place you want it. Watch! 'Voodoo dick, Voodoo dick... that key hole!"
And the dildo flew across the room and starts fucking the key hole.
After her husband leaves, the wife decides to try out her new toy.
"Voodoo dick, Voodoo dick... my Pussy!" she yells. And just like that, the toy goes to work. And keeps working.... And doesn't stop. After countless orgasms the wife realizes she doesn't know how to make it stop. Flushed with ecstasy she gets in the car and begins driving erratically to the hospital, when she is pulled over by a policeman.
"Officer thank god you're here!" the wife moans. "My husband gave me this Voodoo Dick and I can't make it stop."
"Voodoo Dick?" The policeman asks sarcastically. "Voodoo Dick my Ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajjfs/voodoo_dick/
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How do bees go to school?

They take the buzz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajgvg/how_do_bees_go_to_school/
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Whats up Cake?

Muffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajgfb/whats_up_cake/
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A old man and his wife get into a car accident...

They both end up dying and going up to heaven. The man looks around and astounded at how beautiful it is up there. The weather is perfect and he can see that all of his friends are about to go play golf, one of his favorite pastimes. It's everything he could imagine and more.
A man in a white robe approaches and the man looks at him and asks, "Are you god?"
God responds, "That's me."
"Does this mean we're in Heaven?"
"Yes you are!"
The old man then turns to his wife and slaps her hard across the face. "What was that for?" yells the man's wife.
"Because if you wouldn't have forced me to stop smoking and drinking I would have gotten up here a lot sooner!"
(Heard this one from a coworker today. Had to share.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajeoe/a_old_man_and_his_wife_get_into_a_car_accident/
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What did the Native American do after culinary school?

He became a Souix chef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajd8z/what_did_the_native_american_do_after_culinary/
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Have you heard about the muslim sex dolls?

They blow themselves up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ajatq/have_you_heard_about_the_muslim_sex_dolls/
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A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely".

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Finally, Billy raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So Billy replies, "Then I definitely just shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aj7d7/a_kindergarten_teacher_is_trying_to_explain_to/
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A man is at the doctor for a routine checkup

After examining the man for a few minutes the doctor sighs and says
"Look, there's no easy way to say this but you need to stop masturbating."
"What?  Why, doc?"
"Because I'm trying to do an examination on you for gods sake"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aj5ws/a_man_is_at_the_doctor_for_a_routine_checkup/
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Drunk driving or...?

A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:
-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?
-I've had 8 drinks, officer.
-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aj50t/drunk_driving_or/
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"I don't understand what this statue of a man talking is supposed to mean"

"It's confusing, but I think it's a figure of speech."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aj4ei/i_dont_understand_what_this_statue_of_a_man/
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Your mother is like a brick

Flat on both sides and laid by mexicans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aj2xf/your_mother_is_like_a_brick/
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During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body

One guy said, "18."
A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"
Another guy said, "12."
The French guy piped up again, "119!"
A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"
The French guy shouted, "120!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aiusm/during_a_marriage_preparation_class_the_teacher/
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What do you call it when a hooker farts?

A prostitoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aiue9/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_hooker_farts/
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Why did they bury the Scottish man on the West side of the hill?

Because he was dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aisvz/why_did_they_bury_the_scottish_man_on_the_west/
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A friendly reminder to Republicans...

...to set your clocks 60 years ahead and join the rest of us in the 21st century.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aissd/a_friendly_reminder_to_republicans/
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WARNING: There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can...

Do not open it, it's just Spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aios4/warning_there_is_an_email_going_around_offering/
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They say: Dance like there's nobody watching, sing like there's nobody listening.

But non of them are there to vouch for you when you end up in an insane asylum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aikau/they_say_dance_like_theres_nobody_watching_sing/
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What does it mean "the rest of the world?

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aig7v/what_does_it_mean_the_rest_of_the_world/
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How does cheese get more mature?

Fromage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aidqn/how_does_cheese_get_more_mature/
%
What do you call a big pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aidoy/what_do_you_call_a_big_pile_of_kittens/
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A man dies and goes to heaven

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.
He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?"
Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."
The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock does this belong to?"
Angel answers 'This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved, so she has never told a lie."
then the man asks "Where is Hillary Clintons clock?"
The Angel replies "That one is in our office, we use it as a table fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aid4l/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Father and young son walking deep into the woods at night carrying a lantern and a shovel

Son says "Dad it's creepy out here, I'm scared"
Father replies "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ai6bn/father_and_young_son_walking_deep_into_the_woods/
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What do the "Damn, Daniel" kid and pedophiles have in common?

They're both back at it again with the white vans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ai68u/what_do_the_damn_daniel_kid_and_pedophiles_have/
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My computer sings.

It's a Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ai3cp/my_computer_sings/
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Why was I arrested for only 1 year with a $5,000 fine after killing an unarmed African-American man?

On charges of "impersonating a police officer".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ahxc4/why_was_i_arrested_for_only_1_year_with_a_5000/
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I think my dog is an alcoholic.

He can't hold his licker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ahubq/i_think_my_dog_is_an_alcoholic/
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I've always dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange soda

Its a fanta-sea of mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ahu7t/ive_always_dreamed_of_swimming_in_an_ocean_of/
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If I have an addiction to masturbation

And I suddenly develop it into an addiction to sex, does that mean my addiction is getting out of hand?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ahnra/if_i_have_an_addiction_to_masturbation/
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My Dad's Best Joke - Not a dad joke

My dad was enjoying a smoke break during an in-service training at the police academy. He had taken to smoking Misty cigarettes. A friend from a neighboring police force asked him why he was smoking such a feminine cigarette.
"Well, Kay went out to get something out of my cruiser the other day, and found a pack of these between the seats. I had to tell her I'd switched."
"Oh... Are they any good?"
"They're not bad, but these thong panties keep riding up my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ahl33/my_dads_best_joke_not_a_dad_joke/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar...

the bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ahfee/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
%
"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ahenm/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
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A very angry man storms into a bar

A angry man storms into a bar, orders a drink, slams it back in one, and stands up to declare in a loud voice: "I just want everyone to know that lawyers are fucking assholes."
"Hey!" yells a guy in the back of the bar. "I take exception to that!"
"What," the first man snarls, "are you a lawyer?"
"No! I'm an fucking asshole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ahdzo/a_very_angry_man_storms_into_a_bar/
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What did the buffalo say to his son who's leaving for college?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ah8wn/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_whos_leaving/
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If you get cold, just stand in a corner for a little bit.

They're usually 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ah85e/if_you_get_cold_just_stand_in_a_corner_for_a/
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I went to an all you can eat vegetarian restaurant

There was a woman there who claimed that she knew me but I swear I never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ah4el/i_went_to_an_all_you_can_eat_vegetarian_restaurant/
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vaccuum?

With a vaccuum, the dirtbag's on the inside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ah26y/whats_the_difference_between_a_lawyer_and_a/
%
What kind of suit does a lawyer like best?

The Spanish Inquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4agxgv/what_kind_of_suit_does_a_lawyer_like_best/
%
An Australian man wakes up in the hospital...

... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4agx1m/an_australian_man_wakes_up_in_the_hospital/
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What happens when you eat beans with onions?

Tear gas!
(Written by my 9 yr old son)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4agwzr/what_happens_when_you_eat_beans_with_onions/
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If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?

K9P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4agrrv/if_h2o_is_on_the_inside_of_a_fire_hydrant_whats/
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My Nephew's pet chicken died.

I couldn't help asking if the funeral will be fried or roasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4agodc/my_nephews_pet_chicken_died/
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Two veterinarians are walking through the woods...

Two veterinarians are walking through the woods. The first vet states that he is the best vet in the world, and the second vet disagrees. The argument goes on for about 5 minutes when they stop at an old oak tree with an owl sitting on a branch.
The first vet says, "To prove it, I bet I can perform a tonsillectomy on that owl without waking it up." The second doctor takes on his bet, thinking he is full of it, but astonishingly, the first vet performs a flawless surgery without the owl waking up.
Obviously the second vet needs to show him up and he exclaims, "I bet I can neuter it without it waking up!" The first vet insists that it is impossible, but the second vet gives it hell anyway. Against all odds, the second vet performs the surgery just as well as the first vet. They settle their feud and both agree that they are the best veterinarians in the world.
A few days later two owls are flying over the same old oak tree and the first owl says, "Hey that looks like a great place to land for the night, whaddya think?"
The second owl says, "Hell no! Last time I landed there I woke up and I couldn't hoot worth a fuck, or fuck worth a hoot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aglw9/two_veterinarians_are_walking_through_the_woods/
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A man is at a sellout football game with an empty seat beside him...

A man is at a sellout football game with an empty seat beside him. The guy behind him notices that the seat is empty and asks him why.
"My wife recently passed away. We have season passes and she never missed a game" the man said.
"I'm very sorry to hear that" replied the man behind him. "Couldn't you have invited one of your friends to come with you to fill the seat?"
"Oh no!" The man replied. "They're all at the funeral".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4agi4b/a_man_is_at_a_sellout_football_game_with_an_empty/
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Trump would be an amazing dentist

He is against anything that's not white and straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4agfzs/trump_would_be_an_amazing_dentist/
%
I was having sex with my wife last night...

15 minutes passed, then 30....then 45 minutes. The sweat was pouring off of us and it was becoming increasingly apparent that neither of us was going to reach orgasm. Finally my wife said: "What's the matter, darling, can't you think of anyone else either?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4agexg/i_was_having_sex_with_my_wife_last_night/
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I always wanted to try juggling...

I just never had the balls to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4agden/i_always_wanted_to_try_juggling/
%
what's a pirate's favorite letter?

You would think its 'RRRRRRRRRRR', but its actually P because without it they would go irate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ag83v/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering whether there is a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ag5nl/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an_insomniac_a/
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Atheism...

... is a non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ag5ly/atheism/
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A redneck sees another carrying a sheep under each arm.

So he asks him, "you shearing?" The other answers "nope, gonna fuck 'em both m'self."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ag4xa/a_redneck_sees_another_carrying_a_sheep_under/
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Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Because they're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ag4wb/why_cant_dinosaurs_clap_their_hands/
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A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?

The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4afw7l/a_leaf_and_an_emo_fall_from_a_tree_who_hits_the/
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Two introverts go to a bar.

They leave immediately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4afvm4/two_introverts_go_to_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a boner?

I don't have a Lamborghini right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4afuh1/whats_the_difference_between_a_lamborghini_and_a/
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So a man had his eye lids burned off in a fire and the doctors used a new procedure to replace them with his foreskin

He came out just fine besides being a little cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4afndl/so_a_man_had_his_eye_lids_burned_off_in_a_fire/
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What's the hardest part about watching a video of somebody being beheaded?

My dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4afift/whats_the_hardest_part_about_watching_a_video_of/
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Thanks to Day Light Savings....

....I've masturbated for an hour and 30 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4afd6w/thanks_to_day_light_savings/
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I heard of a new sex position that I want to try.

It's called 'with a partner'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4afd6n/i_heard_of_a_new_sex_position_that_i_want_to_try/
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Socialist jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4af833/socialist_jokes_are_not_funny/
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What kind of weed do muslims smoke?

Quranic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4af7ki/what_kind_of_weed_do_muslims_smoke/
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What does a Mexican duck say?

Guac Guac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4af3g0/what_does_a_mexican_duck_say/
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Why did my jizz cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4af2zv/why_did_my_jizz_cross_the_road/
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A woman pregnant with triplets is shot three times...

by a mugger in the stomach while she's walking home one night. The doctors save her and the babies but tell her that eventually the kids will have to have the bullets removed.
Well, they're born healthy, three strapping sons, and they grow normally and she forgets all about the bullets until one day one comes down, crying his eyes out. She asks him what's wrong and he says, "I was peeing and I peed out a bullet." She tells him the story and, satisfied, he goes on his way. Then another son comes down crying his eyes out. She asks him what's wrong and he also says, "I was peeing and I peed out a bullet." She tells him the story too and, satisfied, he goes on his way.
Then the third son comes down, crying his eyes out, and she says, "Let me guess, you were peeing and you peed out a bullet?"  He shakes his head and replies, "No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4af2q3/a_woman_pregnant_with_triplets_is_shot_three_times/
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I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...

I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aeyc2/i_deserve_an_award_for_beating_up_a_school_shooter/
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It all changed when my girlfriend got pregnant....

My name, my address, my phone number...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aexpq/it_all_changed_when_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant/
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A guy gets a phone call

from a girls he likes. She says "Come over, nobody's home!"
So he goes over, and nobody's home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aex36/a_guy_gets_a_phone_call/
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A man walks into a bar with an octopus

He lays down $500 and says "my octopus can play any instrument you put in front of him" hearing this a man walks up and puts a guitar in front of the octopus.
Puzzled for a sec the octopus grabs it and plays a riff like Jimi Hendrix would play.
Another guy walks up laughs and hands a trumpet. The octopus looks at it and grabs it playing a song by Louis Armstrong.
Another guy across the street hears about the bet and runs to the bar he lays down the money and Hands the octopus a set of bag pipes. Very puzzled the octopus sits back and just stares at the instrument. The owner expecting that he is about to lose his money, leans over to the octopus and says " hey can you play this thing or not ?"
Still looking puzzled the octopus looks at his owner and says "play it? If I can figure out how to get its pajamas off, I m going to fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aeu61/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus/
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Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aerv5/why_did_the_console_peasant_cross_the_road/
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I'm really conflicted about abortion.

I support killing babies, but I don't support giving women a choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aeppw/im_really_conflicted_about_abortion/
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What do you a call a peas testicles?

Peanuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aelcl/what_do_you_a_call_a_peas_testicles/
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My dad told me he was gay, i didnt believe him

until my other dad comfirmed it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aekvb/my_dad_told_me_he_was_gay_i_didnt_believe_him/
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What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

A religion drinks wine and a cult drinks Kool-Aid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aeczl/whats_the_difference_between_a_religion_and_a_cult/
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A man went into the Job Center in Denver and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read:
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.  The annual salary is $65,000."
"You'll have to go to Billings, Montana,” the clerk added.
"Good grief", the man asked, "Is that where the job is?"
"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aeb1u/a_man_went_into_the_job_center_in_denver_and_saw/
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How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass

Satisfying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aeaax/how_did_the_redneck_find_the_sheep_in_the_tall/
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!". "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples???". "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ae9r0/a_guy_walks_into_a_sperm_donor_bank_wearing_a_ski/
%
Why wasn't the cat moving?

It was on paws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ae181/why_wasnt_the_cat_moving/
%
I went to the bar with my girlfriend of 2years...

When we got there their was a guy being very drunk and she kept looking over at him. I asked her if she knew the man and she said thats her ex husband, Hes been like that ever since she broke up with him 5years ago. And then i said Holy shit hes been celebrating for that long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4adz5j/i_went_to_the_bar_with_my_girlfriend_of_2years/
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A Jewish guy walks into a bar. The Chinese bartender asks him his name...

"I'm Max Goldberg", he says, "what's yours?"
"I'm Wei Zhang, it's nice to meet you."
Mr. Goldberg says, "I'll never forgive you people for bombing Pearl Harbor."
"I'm Chinese. That was the Japanese."
"Chinese, Japanese, all the same to me."
Mr. Zhang says, "I'll never forgive you people for sinking the Titanic."
"I'm Jewish, that was an iceberg."
"Goldberg, iceberg, all the same to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4adys2/a_jewish_guy_walks_into_a_bar_the_chinese/
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Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million will turn out to be human.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4adx3n/politicians_are_like_sperm/
%
Spelling cunts.

*counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4adtf4/spelling_cunts/
%
April showers bring May flowers...

...but Mayflowers bring smallpox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4adms7/april_showers_bring_may_flowers/
%
What do toilet paper and the star ship enterprise have in common

They both circle Uranus and battle klingons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4admqy/what_do_toilet_paper_and_the_star_ship_enterprise/
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Cinderella was now 95 years old....

Cinderella was now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now-dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!"
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned - and Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
Then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young, muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered....
"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4adf0s/cinderella_was_now_95_years_old/
%
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4adet0/yesterday_i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food/
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Ever since I swallowed a watch I've been keeping myself busy taking laxitives, eating lots of fruit and drinking prune juice.

Anything to pass the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4adc8h/ever_since_i_swallowed_a_watch_ive_been_keeping/
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Vaccination awareness is rising

Last night I saw a young man vaccinate himself behind a dumpster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4adae4/vaccination_awareness_is_rising/
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What type of web developer likes finding bugs

Spiders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ad7gt/what_type_of_web_developer_likes_finding_bugs/
%
Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ad5q2/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_went_to_the_er/
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Have you watched the movie about polynomials?

I heard the *f(x)* were great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ad1u6/have_you_watched_the_movie_about_polynomials/
%
What has 60 feet and 5 teeth?

The front row of a Trump rally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ad14u/what_has_60_feet_and_5_teeth/
%
Two Christians are lost in an Arabian desert

David and Michael were going on a safari where they got lost and their car stopped working, they started wondering throughout the desert. With food and water supply almost ending and no reception anywhere they were desperately looking for help. After a very long time in the heat of the desert and almost dying from thirst they finally see a mosque far away. They start discussing among each other. David: I'll pretend my name is Mohammed so they will give me food and water! Michael: I don't care I won't change my name for food! As they go to the mosque, the Muslims rush to their aid. David says he's Mohammed and Michael says he's Michael. So the Muslims get water and food fast for Michael and as David was waiting for his turn the Muslims turn around for him and say... "You know it's Ramadan, right?"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4acvo4/two_christians_are_lost_in_an_arabian_desert/
%
Recent studies have shown that several species of shrimp have randomly died while migrating to other seas or oceans

I guess they were accident prawn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4acuin/recent_studies_have_shown_that_several_species_of/
%
I just swapped our bed for a trampoline

My wife hit the roof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4acs1s/i_just_swapped_our_bed_for_a_trampoline/
%
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4acr33/a_man_whod_just_died_is_delivered_to_a_local/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4acq0f/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4acp9w/a_computer_once_beat_me_at_chess_but_it_was_no/
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Woman are alot like square numbers

If there under 13 do them in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4acoat/woman_are_alot_like_square_numbers/
%
horror story in 4 words

good morning, president trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4acn1b/horror_story_in_4_words/
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Donald Trump gets elected as President of the United States of America

His first move as President, he says, is to 'remove the terrorist threat of ISIS'.
And to do this he plans to drop a nuclear bomb on Syria, with the aim to 'kill 4000 Muslims and one blonde girl with massive boobs'.
One of his senior advisors leans forward and asks: "Why the blonde girl with massive boobs?"
"*You see!*" Trump Says, "No one gives a shit about the Muslims."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ackzp/donald_trump_gets_elected_as_president_of_the/
%
My Grandfather

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words..
"Are you sure you're holding the fucking ladder?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ack5k/my_grandfather/
%
After all that shit, I can't believe they are finally back together.

My ass cheeks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aciqa/after_all_that_shit_i_cant_believe_they_are/
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Double talking women

A husband shows his wife a study which indicates that on the average men use 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000.
The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
The husband turns from the paper and says, "What?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4achpg/double_talking_women/
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Oscar Pistorius really wanted a new bathroom door

but his girlfriend was dead against it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4acezt/oscar_pistorius_really_wanted_a_new_bathroom_door/
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What's the worst vegetable to have on a boat?

A leek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4acbms/whats_the_worst_vegetable_to_have_on_a_boat/
%
Hotel guest to desk clerk: "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

Desk clerk: "No, it's regular porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ac91y/hotel_guest_to_desk_clerk_i_hope_the_porn_channel/
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A horse walks into a bar. ..

A horse walks into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Sarah Jessica Parker responds, "I'm a person you know? I have feelings!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ac8q9/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did the Pie say when he failed a math test?

"How did I get these simple questions wrong! I am so irrational!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ac8pd/what_did_the_pie_say_when_he_failed_a_math_test/
%
"Saint"? You had one job, Kardashian-West family.

Go make another kid, and this time name it Wild Wild.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ac3yf/saint_you_had_one_job_kardashianwest_family/
%
I asked my North Korean friend what life was like in North Korea

"Can't complain", he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ac2wf/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_what_life_was_like/
%
There are only two types of people I hate in this world...

Racists and black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ac1qf/there_are_only_two_types_of_people_i_hate_in_this/
%
If all the girls who went to my high school prom were laid end to end...

It wouldn't surprise me at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4abvli/if_all_the_girls_who_went_to_my_high_school_prom/
%
What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

Your funding revoked by the ethics board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4abpvy/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cow_with_an/
%
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4abowu/whats_the_difference_between_a_bag_of_cocaine_and/
%
stereotypes are like black people

not to be trusted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4abmo2/stereotypes_are_like_black_people/
%
A vegan invited my friends and I to a vegan restaurant....

the food really lettuce down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4abkyo/a_vegan_invited_my_friends_and_i_to_a_vegan/
%
I had a few jokes about unemployed people...

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4abi3j/i_had_a_few_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
What do Donald Trump and Pokemon have in common?

The only thing they can say are their name and random bullsh**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4abgsr/what_do_donald_trump_and_pokemon_have_in_common/
%
Little boy with a toy train.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4abdbr/little_boy_with_a_toy_train/
%
Are you a guitar?

Because I want to wrap my hands around your neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4abbwp/are_you_a_guitar/
%
Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many have 28 days?

All 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ab90r/some_months_have_30_days_some_months_have_31_days/
%
Divorces are like gangbangs...

Everyone is trying to fuck you and nobody cares if you're in pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ab7zb/divorces_are_like_gangbangs/
%
Before my father kicked the bucket he asked me the most profound question...

He said "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ab6qv/before_my_father_kicked_the_bucket_he_asked_me/
%
I turned on my computer.

It said hello. Its a dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ab5pr/i_turned_on_my_computer/
%
When I get a lot of Myspace requests

my fax machine goes crazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ab3rd/when_i_get_a_lot_of_myspace_requests/
%
Where do llamas go on vacation?

Alpacapuco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ab2mt/where_do_llamas_go_on_vacation/
%
What was Hitler's favorite game?

Nahtzee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ab0of/what_was_hitlers_favorite_game/
%
I have a girlfriend

Not sure if this is really a joke, but everyone laughs when I say it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ab06e/i_have_a_girlfriend/
%
Why did Barty Crouch Jr. stop drinking?

It was making him Moody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aavjz/why_did_barty_crouch_jr_stop_drinking/
%
Bernie Sanders to ban Oral sex if he becomes president....

"It's the only way I can get reddit to stop sucking my dick" - he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aapym/bernie_sanders_to_ban_oral_sex_if_he_becomes/
%
Father Murphy walks into a pub ...

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said "I do, Father". The priest said "Then stand over there against the wall". Then the priest asked the second man "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father" was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall" said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said "No, I don't Father". The priest said "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now".
.
Orsm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aal5p/father_murphy_walks_into_a_pub/
%
Apparently, I snore really loudly...

...loud enough to terrify everyone in the car I'm driving!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aagos/apparently_i_snore_really_loudly/
%
I understand why Jesus was crucified

But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aafzp/i_understand_why_jesus_was_crucified/
%
How can you tell when a vampire is sick?

By his coffin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aafea/how_can_you_tell_when_a_vampire_is_sick/
%
Magic Apples

Guy walks into a bar and asks for a jack and Coke the bar tender goes under the bar and comes up with a apple
The guy confused says "That's not what I ordered", the bartender says "Just try it".
He bites into it, "Wow that tastes just like jack" the bartender says "Turn it around" and to the guys amazement it taste like Coke.
A second guy walks into the bar and orders a gin and tonic the bartender again comes back with an apple confused the first guy says trust me try it.
The second guy bites each side and is amazed that it taste just like gin and tonic.
While the two guys are talking about the apples a third guy comes in and asks what's going on. The bartender says "I can make apples taste like anything you would like!"
The third guy not believing him asks for him to make and apple taste like pussy. The bartender once again comes back with an apple.
The third guy bites into it and instantly spits it out "hey this taste like shit" the bartender says "turn it around"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aabmu/magic_apples/
%
My local bondage club was robbed last night...

we were all left bound and gagged.
We absolutely loved it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aa6sn/my_local_bondage_club_was_robbed_last_night/
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I made a website for Kids' jokes.

But for some reason people seem hesitant to go to kidslaughter.com

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aa5si/i_made_a_website_for_kids_jokes/
%
I used to date a baker...

But she was too kneady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aa571/i_used_to_date_a_baker/
%
In the Navy, how do you separate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aa4hz/in_the_navy_how_do_you_separate_the_men_from_the/
%
What do a near sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aa2qz/what_do_a_near_sighted_gynecologist_and_a_puppy/
%
My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aa273/my_joke_was_removed_for_comparing_trump_to_hitler/
%
Best joke I've ever made

*I open the door to leave the house*
Me: It's raining outside?
Mom: Yeah, and it's chilly; you might want a jacket.
Me: It's raining chili?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aa1kr/best_joke_ive_ever_made/
%
A man is on his way to work and feels terrible diarrhea coming on...

...so he pulls off the road and runs into the first bathroom he sees, which is at a dodgy gas station.
After the most horrific splattering shit of his life he looks over and, to his chagrin, notices there's no TP.
However, there's a hole in the wall with something written above it in Sharpie. He looks closer and realizes that it says "Place your finger here and it will be cleaned by human lips."
"Damn," he thinks. "That's nasty." But he's desperate, and he figures if that's somebody's kink, he's not gonna be too bemt out of shape. So he takes his index finger and  wipes his O-ring with it as best he can, then sticks it in the hole.
Wham! A hammer comes down on it -
... and it hurts so bad that he instinctively sticks it in his mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9yzx/a_man_is_on_his_way_to_work_and_feels_terrible/
%
Trump should have called his rally in Chicago a "job fair"

non of the protesters would've been there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9wwd/trump_should_have_called_his_rally_in_chicago_a/
%
An eskimo visits Wales...

An eskimo visits Wales, and as he's driving along the motorway, his car breaks down.
The mechanic turns up and looks under the bonnet.
"You've blown a seal." He says.
The eskimo replies "So what? You bugger sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9v57/an_eskimo_visits_wales/
%
I'm going to make a calendar of sexy Islamic extremists

I will call it, Ji-hotties

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9ppc/im_going_to_make_a_calendar_of_sexy_islamic/
%
What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both love cracking open a cold one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9oxm/what_do_alcoholics_and_necrophiliacs_have_in/
%
I organized a threesome the other day.

A couple of people didn't show, but I still had fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9lzo/i_organized_a_threesome_the_other_day/
%
Mom, I’ve got a problem.

A kid comes home from school and says, “Mom, I've got a problem.”
She says, “Tell me.”
He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says, “Pussy and bitch.”
She says, “Oh, that’s no big deal. Pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog
like our Sandy.”
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad, the
boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom and I don’t think she told me their
exact meaning.”
Dad says, “Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters; she can’t handle them. What are the words?”
He tells him, “Pussy and bitch.”
Dad says, “OK,” and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf. He takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centrefold and says, “Son, everything inside this circle is pussy.”
“And what’s a bitch?”
Dad says “everything outside that circle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9lgc/mom_ive_got_a_problem/
%
I got a new couch...

...wasn't sure how comfortable it would be, but sofa so good!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9jiu/i_got_a_new_couch/
%
My marriage is like a game of cards

It started out with two hearts and a diamond, now all I want is a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9if0/my_marriage_is_like_a_game_of_cards/
%
Good old Seniors

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9hpk/good_old_seniors/
%
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road

one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you?," asked Hillary .
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."
"What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9gor/hillary_clinton_and_her_driver_were_cruising_home/
%
Breaking: Donald Trump just announced ban on shredded cheese if elected!

He says this is a crucial step toward Making America Grate Again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9f4z/breaking_donald_trump_just_announced_ban_on/
%
What kind of cheese gives out money?

Prova*loan*
I just came up with that and feel pretty proud (:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9bcu/what_kind_of_cheese_gives_out_money/
%
Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...

because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9ax9/trump_is_blaming_sanders_for_the_violence_at_his/
%
What does Batman like in his drink?

Just ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a95qh/what_does_batman_like_in_his_drink/
%
What do you call the area between Pamela Anderson's breasts?

Silicon Valley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a92l8/what_do_you_call_the_area_between_pamela/
%
Im in a band called "Missing Cat"

You've probably seen our posters...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a91bf/im_in_a_band_called_missing_cat/
%
TIL chimneys can be used as conjunctions

They may introduce a clause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a8zr1/til_chimneys_can_be_used_as_conjunctions/
%
I must have a great ass

Because after leaving a conversation, I always hear someone mumble "what an ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a8sl0/i_must_have_a_great_ass/
%
I love the concept of karma.

It means all the people I mistreat and fuck over every day must have it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a8rr3/i_love_the_concept_of_karma/
%
Why is wrestling stupid??

It's a bunch of guy's without pants fighting for a belt....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a8qy7/why_is_wrestling_stupid/
%
When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.

That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a8khc/when_i_die_im_going_to_donate_my_body_to_science/
%
I painted my computer black

so it would run faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a8ka8/i_painted_my_computer_black/
%
speak, three languages you are trilingual, two, bi-lingual, what do they call you if you only speak one language?

American

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a8jjh/speak_three_languages_you_are_trilingual_two/
%
So I'm in a bar..

So, I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me. I say, "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them yells, "It's Wales, you idiot!"
So I say, "Ok, are you two Whales from Scotland?"
I don't remember much after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a8ise/so_im_in_a_bar/
%
What do you call a Mexican that lives in Maine

An L.L.Beaner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a8h6w/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_that_lives_in_maine/
%
What is the biggest obstacle in getting rich quickly?

Cops

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a8gxh/what_is_the_biggest_obstacle_in_getting_rich/
%
What's the difference between LSD and my dad?

LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a8fuf/whats_the_difference_between_lsd_and_my_dad/
%
I am suicide bomber AMA

Wow this blew up fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a8e4e/i_am_suicide_bomber_ama/
%
How do you play Taliban bingo?

B-52...F-16...B-1..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a8dxd/how_do_you_play_taliban_bingo/
%
What do you call a veterinarian that can only work on one animal?

A doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a8dfu/what_do_you_call_a_veterinarian_that_can_only/
%
I got my girlfriend pregnant and everything changed.

New phone number, new address, new name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a857q/i_got_my_girlfriend_pregnant_and_everything/
%
If isis gets bombed

They'll be called waswas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a80n2/if_isis_gets_bombed/
%
What do you call a dictator running a bookshop?

The Supreme Reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a7xk2/what_do_you_call_a_dictator_running_a_bookshop/
%
Opinions are like orgasms,

mine's more important and I don't give a fuck if she has one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a7rwu/opinions_are_like_orgasms/
%
A girl realised she had grown hair between her legs...

She got worried and asked her mother about that hair.
Her mother calmly said, "that part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair."
The girl smiled. At dinner she told her sister "my monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said "that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a7qs6/a_girl_realised_she_had_grown_hair_between_her/
%
A Soviet official visits the US

Part of his visit is about free media. His guides show him around the country. They visit different media outlets, they show him excerpt of media, to show how free the media is.
At the end of the visit, the official is impressed. Before leaving he asks his guides one last question.
'How do you do it?' He asks.
'Do what?'
'Make them all say the same thing'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a7ofm/a_soviet_official_visits_the_us/
%
My teenage daughter is very odd

She literally can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a7jwa/my_teenage_daughter_is_very_odd/
%
What would be a more appropriate name for spiderman?

Peter parkour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a7e9i/what_would_be_a_more_appropriate_name_for/
%
My favorite from a Laffy Taffy wrapper: What do you call a twitching cow?

Beef Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a7d0m/my_favorite_from_a_laffy_taffy_wrapper_what_do/
%
What's the difference between a beggar and a US Politician?

A beggar has retained his integrity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a7a73/whats_the_difference_between_a_beggar_and_a_us/
%
Xbox one and PS4 got into a brutal fight, someone called an ambulance

Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a7a03/xbox_one_and_ps4_got_into_a_brutal_fight_someone/
%
Why is Tumblr so unhealthy?

It's full of trans fats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a78lw/why_is_tumblr_so_unhealthy/
%
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a781g/a_worldwide_survey_was_conducted_by_the_un/
%
What's black and yellow and doesn't float?

A bulldozer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a76v3/whats_black_and_yellow_and_doesnt_float/
%
Why do they call it a chicken coupe?

If it had 4 doors it'd be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a75jm/why_do_they_call_it_a_chicken_coupe/
%
Why do Spanish men get half price movie tickets?

They take the señor discount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a74cf/why_do_spanish_men_get_half_price_movie_tickets/
%
Why does Gandalf never dress as a pimp for halloween?

Because he doesn't want to be taken as a conjurer of cheap tricks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a73i7/why_does_gandalf_never_dress_as_a_pimp_for/
%
What do you sing at a twins bat mitzvah?

Happy birthday two Jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a730s/what_do_you_sing_at_a_twins_bat_mitzvah/
%
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?

At your cervix, m'lady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a72xw/what_did_the_medieval_gynecologist_say_to_his/
%
How does Donald Trump plan on deporting all the illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a720w/how_does_donald_trump_plan_on_deporting_all_the/
%
What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock?

You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a71fg/what_is_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_alarm/
%
Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road.

A cop pulls him over and asks "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies "No, but I know where I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a70p1/werner_heisenberg_is_driving_down_the_road/
%
How is a glory hole like a rooster crowing?

They're both a cock-a-dude'll-do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6yvh/how_is_a_glory_hole_like_a_rooster_crowing/
%
What are Germans most thankful for on the internet?

Danke Memes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6ypx/what_are_germans_most_thankful_for_on_the_internet/
%
I asked my brother if he has a fetish for rivers...

He's in denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6wvw/i_asked_my_brother_if_he_has_a_fetish_for_rivers/
%
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

This change'll be fantastic. It'll be great. You won't believe how great this change will be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6vjs/how_many_trump_supporters_does_it_take_to_change/
%
Why is 10 traumatized forever?

Because he was right in the middle of 9-11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6v80/why_is_10_traumatized_forever/
%
If Donald Trump wants Bernie Sanders supporters to stop crashing his rallies,

he should just call them "job fairs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6pa4/if_donald_trump_wants_bernie_sanders_supporters/
%
How does an Asian Cowboy say Hello?

"Ni-Hao-dy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6ou6/how_does_an_asian_cowboy_say_hello/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is addicted to meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6omf/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
Stalin and Hitler

Stalin: Hey Hitler, Wanna Hear a Joke?
Hitler: Sure Broh
Stalin: Stalingrad
Hitler: I Don't Get It
Stalin: Exactly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6nvm/stalin_and_hitler/
%
Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lac-tose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6lx7/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
%
When I get naked in the bathroom

the shower usually gets turned on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6lo1/when_i_get_naked_in_the_bathroom/
%
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better...

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6kr6/a_little_girl_and_boy_are_fighting_about_the/
%
NASA decides to send up an all-female crew for their next shuttle mission...

"Houston, we have a problem."
"What's the problem?"
"Nothing. Nevermind."
"Repeat, what is the nature of the problem?"
"It's fine, whatever."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6i11/nasa_decides_to_send_up_an_allfemale_crew_for/
%
Why can't pirates finish the alphabet?

because they get lost at C!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6f9h/why_cant_pirates_finish_the_alphabet/
%
Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers?

to keep his ankles warm
Edit 2: It's surprising how many people haven't got the joke but to be fair the joke is probably older than themselves lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6cp4/why_does_bill_clinton_wear_boxers/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee...

Tied up in a sack and thrown over the back of a Columbian mule.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6bzg/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Why doesn't the man with an extra penis have any friends?

He's too cocky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6blj/why_doesnt_the_man_with_an_extra_penis_have_any/
%
Why did hitler buy glasses?

He could NOT SEE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6aw2/why_did_hitler_buy_glasses/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman responds, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
She asks, "What"s it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a682f/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat_next/
%
Do You Shave?

An older Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to the pub to play darts," she said. The girl agreed then to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had left the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have a bit of pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see fer yourself.”
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"Oh no," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman and she proudly pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl a patch that a hedgehog would get lost in.The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Well... did you see?"
"Aye," he said, "but why in hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough."
"I know," he said, "But the whole damned dart team hadn't!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a61kx/do_you_shave/
%
I was pretty upset when I heard clocks get set ahead an hour...

Oh well. Not worth losing sleep over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a5xho/i_was_pretty_upset_when_i_heard_clocks_get_set/
%
A rehabilitated crack addict says to his doctor: "I'm going to stay clean this time"

The doctor replied: "I'm afraid that's just a pipe dream"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a5veh/a_rehabilitated_crack_addict_says_to_his_doctor/
%
Someone tried to sell me a coffin today.

I told him that's the last thing I need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a5uw2/someone_tried_to_sell_me_a_coffin_today/
%
What's Irish and stays out on your deck?

Paddy O'furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a5kva/whats_irish_and_stays_out_on_your_deck/
%
I got pulled over by a female cop..

When i asked what's wrong, she said "NOTHING!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a5fr3/i_got_pulled_over_by_a_female_cop/
%
“YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a5cfi/youve_got_mail/
%
What do you call a Zen master from eastern Europe who's been bugging you all day?

A Buddha Pest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a59j5/what_do_you_call_a_zen_master_from_eastern_europe/
%
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad that I eventually had to take his bike away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a58ef/my_dog_used_to_chase_people_on_a_bike_a_lot/
%
What did Sean Connery say to a couple of lobsters he saw take up an extra parking space?

"You're two shellfish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a5812/what_did_sean_connery_say_to_a_couple_of_lobsters/
%
If fire hydrants have H2O inside them, what do they have outside?

K9P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a57pf/if_fire_hydrants_have_h2o_inside_them_what_do/
%
I had to quit my job at the helium factory.

No one talks to me like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a52df/i_had_to_quit_my_job_at_the_helium_factory/
%
What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?

He finishes her drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a50fe/what_does_bill_cosby_do_when_he_cant_sleep_at/
%
Not guilty

Paddy went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Paddy. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a4zk4/not_guilty/
%
Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp.  No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly..  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!  He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned,  older cowboy, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it..  They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  Bob sat up and watched me all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a4vdu/sleeping_with_bob/
%
What did the Christan principal say when she kicked a student out of school?

THE POWER OF CHRIST EXPELS YOU.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a4vcz/what_did_the_christan_principal_say_when_she/
%
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

Saturday, Sunday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a4qf3/denial_anger_bargaining_depression_acceptance/
%
After the recent wave of Trump primary victories, what did Nancy Reagan request for her funeral before she died?

To be laid to rest beside the remains of the Republican party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a4pi5/after_the_recent_wave_of_trump_primary_victories/
%
What did the Australian say to the two people fighting over bread?

It's stalemate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a4nm4/what_did_the_australian_say_to_the_two_people/
%
My ex girlfriend had a dog.

That thing was so crazy I ended up putting her down. But I kept the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a4mow/my_ex_girlfriend_had_a_dog/
%
I like my women how I like my dial-up Internet

Always going down on me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a4isc/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_dialup_internet/
%
How do government employees wink when they're at work?

They briefly open one eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a4fpv/how_do_government_employees_wink_when_theyre_at/
%
I got a prison tattoo of mitochondria

Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a4exp/i_got_a_prison_tattoo_of_mitochondria/
%
My ex-gf invited me to her wedding

Told her I was busy, will be there next time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a45dl/my_exgf_invited_me_to_her_wedding/
%
A pirate walks into a brothel and says...

"ARG! THERE SHE BLOWS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a44v7/a_pirate_walks_into_a_brothel_and_says/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee.

Easy to have sex with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a43vt/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A bar on the Empire State Building..

So as some people know, there's a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One night, 2 guys were drinking and one guy says, "hey did you guys know that one of the reasons this building has such interesting design is that they made it so when people jump out of windows, the wind holds them from falling too fast and they just float to the ground, unhurt?"
The 2nd guy say, "No way, prove it!"
So he jumps out the window! A few minutes later the elevator dings and out walks the guy.
"See! It works!"
So, the 2nd drunk guy goes over, jumps out and falls to his death.
The bartender speaks up, "Superman, you sure are an asshole when you're drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a429i/a_bar_on_the_empire_state_building/
%
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking behind a 3rd grader.

The priest says "hey we should screw that kid"
The rabbi says "outta what?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a3tae/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_walking_behind_a_3rd/
%
They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well they're not laughing now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a3qlp/they_used_to_laugh_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_be_a/
%
Where do strippers go on holiday ?

Poland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a3p1f/where_do_strippers_go_on_holiday/
%
My hamster died as he lived...

in the microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a3k28/my_hamster_died_as_he_lived/
%
What is dill bread made from?

Dill dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a3iwk/what_is_dill_bread_made_from/
%
What's a fat kids favourite instrument?

The dinner bell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a3h94/whats_a_fat_kids_favourite_instrument/
%
How does raw chicken taste?

Fowl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a3eat/how_does_raw_chicken_taste/
%
How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Depends what you want it to change into...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a3bul/how_many_wizards_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
David was hard at work...

it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a396c/david_was_hard_at_work/
%
How do you pick up a fat chick?

Piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a373p/how_do_you_pick_up_a_fat_chick/
%
How do you make a cat bark?

Wrap it around a tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a35dj/how_do_you_make_a_cat_bark/
%
How do mathematicians become engineers?

You just gotta apply yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a33wn/how_do_mathematicians_become_engineers/
%
I like my drinks like I like my women.

Whatever's available.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a319o/i_like_my_drinks_like_i_like_my_women/
%
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but only if the lightbulb really *wants* to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a30sk/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Thankful for her virginity

A guy on his wedding night finding that his wife was a Virgin exclaimed:
"I want to Kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity"
She gave a naughty smile and said
" KISS MY ASS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a2zr1/thankful_for_her_virginity/
%
What does Reddit and Dating have in common?

It wastes your time and you walk away with either tears or a slight chuckle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a2su8/what_does_reddit_and_dating_have_in_common/
%
How do you starve a black guy?

The same way you starve anyone else , you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a2nwn/how_do_you_starve_a_black_guy/
%
I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!"

I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a2lk0/i_heard_a_guy_at_the_beach_screaming_help_shark/
%
My doctor said the best thing I could do for my health was to go outside more. He told me to pick a fun outdoor hobby to motivate me to get out of the house.

So I started smoking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a2ipq/my_doctor_said_the_best_thing_i_could_do_for_my/
%
I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks.

Dad loved her, but mum said she could’ve done with another hour on a low heat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a2fxw/i_tried_my_best_to_prepare_my_girlfriend_for/
%
The Pick Up

A guy picks up a girl at the local bar and takes her to a motel.  He decides to go down on her first and he is licking her she suddenly moans and a mix of peas, carrots, and mashed potatoes oozes out of her vagina.  He looks up and says "Lady, you're sick!"  She replies, "I'm not sick, but I think the guy before you was."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a2fpx/the_pick_up/
%
I Asked My Black Friend If He Wanted to Go on a Cruise with me.

He said that his ancestors made that same mistake and that he's not falling for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a2e3e/i_asked_my_black_friend_if_he_wanted_to_go_on_a/
%
I met a woman with one leg today.

Her name was Eileen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a28ue/i_met_a_woman_with_one_leg_today/
%
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. DRE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a286n/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
What did one brick say to the other?

Guess who's gettin' laid tomorrow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a24at/what_did_one_brick_say_to_the_other/
%
I've got a kid

in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a1z43/ive_got_a_kid/
%
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A computer will accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a1wma/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
%
At the Karma Cafe, there is no menu

you get what you deserve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a1w1c/at_the_karma_cafe_there_is_no_menu/
%
What's the difference between Rick Grimes and Carl Grimes?

Rick Grimes has two I's....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a1v9x/whats_the_difference_between_rick_grimes_and_carl/
%
Heard this one on Comedy (Sirius Radio) awhile back. It's by the late Jay Hickman.

This boy was sitting on the sidewalk eating candy and then he would pick up a cat and bite it on the ass, then get up and move down the sidewalk and do the same - eat the candy, bite the cat on the ass, get up and move down the side walk.  This guy driving by see this and says, "Hey, what are doing?"
The boy says, "Playing Truck Driver."
Guy says, "What is playing truck driver?"
Boy says,"I'm poppin' pills, eatin' pussy, and movin' on  down the road!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a1udf/heard_this_one_on_comedy_sirius_radio_awhile_back/
%
I like my sex how I like my endoplasmic reticulum...

Rough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a1qrq/i_like_my_sex_how_i_like_my_endoplasmic_reticulum/
%
So a man walks into a bar in Las Vegas

He orders ten consecutive shots, and drinks them all within 45 seconds. The bartender says, "What's with the rush?" and the man replies, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" and the man replies quickly, "45 cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a1q96/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar_in_las_vegas/
%
If my friends and I torrent in Jamaica

Does that make us Pirates of the Caribbean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a1kju/if_my_friends_and_i_torrent_in_jamaica/
%
1st old man says "I wish I could pee with no problems", 2nd old man says "I wish I could poop easily", 3rd old man says "I easily do both by 10am...."

".... problem is,  I don't wake up til noon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a1hnz/1st_old_man_says_i_wish_i_could_pee_with_no/
%
Why are wedding gowns white?

Cuz the dishwasher should match the stove and the fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a1few/why_are_wedding_gowns_white/
%
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man

So I stuck it in her ass and said "yeah, you like that Steve?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a17a2/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_fuck_her_like_a_man/
%
I like my women like I like my viruses.

Safely contained on my laptop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a144c/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_viruses/
%
My sister is an expert pastry-maker.

She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a124z/my_sister_is_an_expert_pastrymaker/
%
The very first thing you learn in life

is how to think outside the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a0vac/the_very_first_thing_you_learn_in_life/
%
How many mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a0tez/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a0s3o/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_computer/
%
I tried to do a photo shoot in the rain yesterday.

Turned out to be a mist take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a0rbs/i_tried_to_do_a_photo_shoot_in_the_rain_yesterday/
%
My wife told me she would leave me if I didn't stop cheating on her

Damn, I never thought she took a card game this seriously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a0p03/my_wife_told_me_she_would_leave_me_if_i_didnt/
%
So get this,

Three men have died and are waiting at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter walks out and says "sorry, but I only have space for one entry".
The men ask, "who will it be?"
Saint peter says "you will all tell me the story of how you passed, and I will let in the man with the saddest story."
Man 1: Well, you see, I had been suspecting that my wife was cheating on me lately. In order to catch her in the act, I came home to our apartment from work a few hours earlier. She was naked in the bed. I became enraged and started looking around the house for the man but could not find him. I ran out to the balcony and I saw hands hanging from the railing. I was so furious that with all my rage I summoned the strength to pick up our refrigerator and threw it over at him so he would fall to his death. That was when my wife shot me for killing her lover and she said she never loved me.
St. Peter: Wow, i'm very sorry to hear about your wife cheating and killing you. That is a terrible way to die. Let's hear the next story.
Man 2: Well, I was out on my balcony of my apartment building watering some plants when a bird flew at my head and scared me. I tripped and fell over the railing. Lucky, I caught on the the railing of the balcony just below mine. I saw a man exit his house and I was about to ask for his help when he quickly re-entered the house, then came back carrying a fridge! I was so confused, and then the bastard just threw the fridge over and it caused me to let go and fall to my death, with the fridge crushing all my bones."
St. Peter: Oh that's just terrible luck. It clearly was not your time to pass on. So sad... let's hear the final story.
Man 3: So get this, i'm in a fridge, right? ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a0dtb/so_get_this/
%
A vegan, a vaper, and a Pitbull owner walk into a bar...

...I'd tell you what they said but I have no idea because none of them would shut up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a0ape/a_vegan_a_vaper_and_a_pitbull_owner_walk_into_a/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a0acc/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Dumb Fucks

"Look at that dumb fuck, Daddy," said my 3-year-old from his car seat.
"Where?" I asked. There were quite a few around us, he could have been talking about any of them.
"The white one," he continued.
That narrowed it down. There was only one that fit that description.
"That dumb fuck is dirty," he said. "Why is that dumb fuck so dirty?"
It was a good question, a question a child might ask, but not a childish question.
"Some are dirtier than others," I replied. "It comes with the territory."
We were sitting outside Starbucks waiting for my wife. We were passing the time the way men do, talking about our feelings and cursing a little - some of us more than others.
"Do you like dumb fucks, Daddy?" he asked. It had an added air of the rhetorical.
"I don't like being too close to them," I answered. "They are pretty fun to watch, though."
My wife returned with our coffee and took a seat in the car.
"Mommy, did you see all the dumb fucks?"
I knew that she had.
"Honey," she said with a straight face. "They're called dump trucks."
"Dumb fucks," he repeated.
"Exactly," I told him, and we sipped our coffee as he watched the last one rumble past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a09j5/dumb_fucks/
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What did the right pussy lip tell the left pussy lip?

We used to be tight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a08gg/what_did_the_right_pussy_lip_tell_the_left_pussy/
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Where does the general keep his armies?

In his sleevies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a06st/where_does_the_general_keep_his_armies/
%
I'm not saying she's fat...

...but if I had to name the top five fattest people I know, she'd be three of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a03cn/im_not_saying_shes_fat/
%
An xbox and a ps4 were attacked

.. here comes the ambulance WII U WII U WII U﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a0047/an_xbox_and_a_ps4_were_attacked/
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If at first you don't succeed...

So much for skydiving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zwun/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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I suspect Elmer Fudd is an r/jokes mod, and I have evidence

[wemoved]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zv1q/i_suspect_elmer_fudd_is_an_rjokes_mod_and_i_have/
%
How do trees get onto the internet

they log in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zujp/how_do_trees_get_onto_the_internet/
%
What do you call a sleepwalking Nun?

A Roamin' Catholic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zucs/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
%
WebMD has integrated Google's Deepmind.

On startup it performed a self diagnostic test.
Turns out, it's cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zseq/webmd_has_integrated_googles_deepmind/
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A guy gets the words "I love you" tattooed to his dick.

He goes home to his wife, and she says, "Stop trying to put words in my mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zqhk/a_guy_gets_the_words_i_love_you_tattooed_to_his/
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One of the funniest vampire jokes

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.
The strongest one started 1st,
"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"
Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"
Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zoq1/one_of_the_funniest_vampire_jokes/
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A family is at the table eating dinner.

"I don't like Grandpa" said the boy to his Mom.
"That's okay honey, just finish your potatoes instead." She replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zo8n/a_family_is_at_the_table_eating_dinner/
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Bert asks Ernie, "Ernie do you want to get ice cream?"

Ernie responds "Sure Bert"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zjup/bert_asks_ernie_ernie_do_you_want_to_get_ice_cream/
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Socialist jokes aren't funny....

Unless everybody gets them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zjrz/socialist_jokes_arent_funny/
%
The professor gave me a C on my Latin exam...

Aced it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zj3l/the_professor_gave_me_a_c_on_my_latin_exam/
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Father and son

A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance."
A minute later the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance. Next time you ask, I'll come up there and spank you."
"Dad! When you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass or water?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ziez/father_and_son/
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The NSA created a dating app to identify potential terrorists.

They called it "Jihad me at Hello."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zhx1/the_nsa_created_a_dating_app_to_identify/
%
A Newfie, a Torontonian and a Frenchman were at the last stage of being accepted into a government spy agency.

There was only one final test. The Frenchman went in first. The agent told the Frenchman, "Take this gun, go down the hall to the last room on your left and shoot your wife."
Frenchman says "I cannot do this, you're mad! I love my wife!"
"Well sorry sir, you are not fit for this agency."
Next, the Torontonian went in and received the same instructions. He took the gun, let out a big sigh, and started walking down the hall but he had returned and admitted "I can't do this, we have two beautiful boys and I love my family".
The agent said "I'm sorry sir but you are not fit for this agency".
Then the Newfie went in. The agent told him what he had to do.
"Not a problem ol buddy" said the Newf.
The Newfie took the gun, stormed down the hall and went into the room. There were 6 shots, followed by screams and crashing noises and finally glass shattering.
Surprised, the agent ran down to the room to see what the commotion was.
"What the fuck happened here!?" Shouted the agent.
The Newfie replied:
"Some fuckin arseholes put blanks in me  gun so I had to beat the bitch with a chair and throw her out the fuckin window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zhis/a_newfie_a_torontonian_and_a_frenchman_were_at/
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It appears that Jared Fogle has gain 30lbs since going to jail

I guess that's what happens when you stop the child portions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zgwi/it_appears_that_jared_fogle_has_gain_30lbs_since/
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I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That's seven years in a row now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zfcv/i_cant_believe_i_forgot_to_go_to_the_gym_today/
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Where do South Africans buy their pastrami and salami?

At the Nelson Mandeli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zekm/where_do_south_africans_buy_their_pastrami_and/
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What do you call a natural blonde who dies her hair?

Artificial intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49zbpr/what_do_you_call_a_natural_blonde_who_dies_her/
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TIL of an incident during the Cold War when American ships, fearing a Soviet attack, nearly fired on a friendly vessel.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49z9qv/til_of_an_incident_during_the_cold_war_when/
%
When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed

My name, my address, my phone number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49z63a/when_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_everything_changed/
%
Cat Joke

just kitten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49z29l/cat_joke/
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Wife told husband that she has gained a lot of weight lately and wants to lose weight

Husband: There's a very effective weight loss patch. You'll lose 10 pounds in one week. The most important thing is that it's really cheap.
Wife: Oh wow! I need to have one. Where do you apply the patch?
Husband: On your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49z0nw/wife_told_husband_that_she_has_gained_a_lot_of/
%
It might seem unusual to feed a horse using one's anus.

Butt hay, who am I to judge?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49z0k2/it_might_seem_unusual_to_feed_a_horse_using_ones/
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I just went to jail for my wife's crime.

She's Chinese, which I guess makes me guilty by associasian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49yt5l/i_just_went_to_jail_for_my_wifes_crime/
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Kim Kardashian arrives in India for the first time, she walks out of the airport, and to her surprise, everyone on the streets stops, turns towards her, and kneels in humility and reverence

Little did she know, they worship cows over there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ykoo/kim_kardashian_arrives_in_india_for_the_first/
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What type of underwear does a fetus wear?

Fruit of the womb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49yick/what_type_of_underwear_does_a_fetus_wear/
%
So a guys hanging out with his buddies in the bar

he's really upset because he was recently fired.
So the bartender walks up and says "So what happened, how'dya get fired"
The guy looks up and he says:
"well you see, I was a pilot for the airforce, I was flying for over 13 hours and I started to get horny. So naturally I started masturbating."
"Okay..." says the bartender.
"So I'm masturbating and I don't even realize it but I become inverted and before I knew it I was busting my nut all over my helmet and facemask." The pilot says.
The bartender is stunned and looks disgusted.
The pilot sighs and says "I guess I could've just said it was a dishonourable discharge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49yfei/so_a_guys_hanging_out_with_his_buddies_in_the_bar/
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A Chinese girl asked to get a ride from me.

so I said no problem give me your number I will call you when I leave home
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "HOLD ON!"
Then her friend said, "She means ....666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49yd05/a_chinese_girl_asked_to_get_a_ride_from_me/
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CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.  "Can I help you?" she asks.  "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49yab6/cheeseburger_150_chicken_sandwich_250_hand_job/
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A Rich man sent a medicine shipment to Somalia

Once it reached the Airport inspection, Customs rejected it and sent it back;
the instructions on the medicines said : after meal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49y8um/a_rich_man_sent_a_medicine_shipment_to_somalia/
%
Can February March?

Don't know but April May...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49y3fa/can_february_march/
%
How often do I tell chemistry jokes.

Periodically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49xyfx/how_often_do_i_tell_chemistry_jokes/
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Shut up...you're next!

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49xr19/shut_upyoure_next/
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Say what you want about the Make-a-Wish foundation

At least they can work to a deadline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49xkb4/say_what_you_want_about_the_makeawish_foundation/
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TIL Doctors have successfully grafted eye lids on a patient using foreskin.

The surgery went well, but now she's a little cock eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49xj6r/til_doctors_have_successfully_grafted_eye_lids_on/
%
It makes sense that Bernie Sanders supports Marijuana legalization...

...because his success has hinged upon high voter turnout.
HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Fuck, I need to sleep...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49xgsp/it_makes_sense_that_bernie_sanders_supports/
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My highschool sweet heart is the mother of my two children.

But apparently, my wife isn't too happy about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49xgc4/my_highschool_sweet_heart_is_the_mother_of_my_two/
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49xf89/whats_brown_and_sticky/
%
The price of a balloon has really gone up recently

I think it's because of inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49xdz7/the_price_of_a_balloon_has_really_gone_up_recently/
%
What's so dark about blonde jokes?

They still haven't figured out how to screw in the lightbulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49x9ih/whats_so_dark_about_blonde_jokes/
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My girlfriend left me for telling too many bad jokes...

I guess her love was pun-conditional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49x3ki/my_girlfriend_left_me_for_telling_too_many_bad/
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You know what my grandfather said right before he kicked the bucket?

"Hey,  watch how far I can kick this bucket!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49x2rt/you_know_what_my_grandfather_said_right_before_he/
%
Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49wzcf/why_did_the_programmer_quit_his_job/
%
Someone stole all the toilets from the police station downtown.

The cops have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49wwlt/someone_stole_all_the_toilets_from_the_police/
%
A blond goes into a clothing store

and sees a beautiful pair of crocodile boots.
"How much for the boots?" She asked the salesman.
"$400" the salesman replied.
"No way I would pay that much for boots!" exclaimed the blond, as she quickly exited the store.
Later that day, the salesman is driving home after finishing his shift, and sees the blond standing at the edge of the water, with several crocodiles lying on their backs on the shore.
As he watched, amazed, the blond flawlessly flipped another crocodile out of the water...
"Damn, this one isn't wearing boots either!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49wo5a/a_blond_goes_into_a_clothing_store/
%
I felt like I was going to be programming forever...

...so I took a `break;`

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49wmy6/i_felt_like_i_was_going_to_be_programming_forever/
%
What is black and doesn't work?

Decaffeinated coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49wk1r/what_is_black_and_doesnt_work/
%
Colin from "Whose Line Is It Anyway" just quit.

Apparently he felt like he was making a Mochrie of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49wey2/colin_from_whose_line_is_it_anyway_just_quit/
%
A Jewish kid asks his dad for 50 bucks.

His dad says, "40 dollars? What do you want 30 dollars for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49wd3y/a_jewish_kid_asks_his_dad_for_50_bucks/
%
There's a website you can use to see if your family is racist.

It's called Facebook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49wcyy/theres_a_website_you_can_use_to_see_if_your/
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A frog goes into a bank...

Only to *robbit*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49w9ix/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
%
Ran into my ex the other day

Then I put it in reverse. Then I ran her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49w9ab/ran_into_my_ex_the_other_day/
%
How many house flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just the standard two, but I'll be damned if I know how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49w8ek/how_many_house_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A man dies and arrives in heaven...

...and finds himself in a short line of men waiting to speak with St. Peter before entering the magnificent gilded gates of heaven. St. Peter addresses them:
"Welcome to Heaven! You were all good people, that is why you are here. But no one is all good, or all bad, and some of our policies reflect this and try to strike a balance. Before you enter heaven, I will be assigning each of you a vehicle based upon your fidelity in your relationship with your wife. We will start with you, sir." He indicates the first man in line, who steps forward and speaks.
"I never so much as glanced at another woman. My wife was my whole life, when I wasn't working."
St Peter replies, "I can see you speak the truth, your devotion is truly rare. Here is a brand new rolls Royce for you to own and use in heaven forever more." Thanking Peter, the man gets in the beautiful car and drives into heaven. "Next!" Peter declares, and the next man steps forward and speaks.
"Well, to be honest I did fool around for a while. We were having rough times, and I had a drinking problem. But I came clean, we stayed together, and I loved my wife truly for the rest of my life!"
Peter replies, "You spoke honestly, and I see you did love your wife. Take this lightly used Toyota, it will serve you reliably." Happy enough, the man drives his vehicle through the gates of heaven. Finally, the man who had died most recently steps forward and speaks.
"To be quite honest, I hated that bitch. I cheated every chance I got, which was a LOT. I reckon she did the same. I used to go in back alleys and-"
"THAT uh...that will do." Peter replies. "Well...despite being a very colorful individual, you had a good heart and lived selflessly, so...ah, here's a nice bicycle we had in the back. May it serve you well."
Happy to have anything at all, the man hops on his bike and enters heaven...and it is beyond anything he has ever known. Beautiful spiraling magnificence, and...before he can take it all in, he notices the Rolls Royce from earlier pulled over to the side of the road, and the man bawling his eyes out. On approaching, he inquires, "Hey, what's the matter man? You got everything you could possibly want! This place is amazing, you have a splendid car, what could possibly get you down?"
The man responds, "Yeah, but I just drove past my wife on roller skates!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49w4o2/a_man_dies_and_arrives_in_heaven/
%
This morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas.

How he got in my pyjamas, I will never know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49w3pm/this_morning_i_shot_an_elephant_in_my_pyjamas/
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A successful businessman

had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49vv8x/a_successful_businessman/
%
A Defendant in a Lawsuit . . .

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"
Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them.", replied the man.
"What?" shouted the lawyer.
"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49vu46/a_defendant_in_a_lawsuit/
%
Shakespeare & The Beatles walk into a pub...

...Landlord says, "sorry mate, you're barred and those guys are banned".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49vtvc/shakespeare_the_beatles_walk_into_a_pub/
%
A black lesbian, an obese white neck-beard, and an Indian comic walk into a bar. What do you get?

A Netflix original series!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49vt8v/a_black_lesbian_an_obese_white_neckbeard_and_an/
%
I came here to tell a Mexican joke

But that could be crossing a line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49vrcq/i_came_here_to_tell_a_mexican_joke/
%
I asked my friend in North Korea how it was there.

He said he cant complain...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49vr35/i_asked_my_friend_in_north_korea_how_it_was_there/
%
I just bought condoms. The cashier asked if I needed a bag.

I just said "No, she isn't that ugly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49vlyh/i_just_bought_condoms_the_cashier_asked_if_i/
%
What type of bean results in premature death?

Sean Bean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49vhg0/what_type_of_bean_results_in_premature_death/
%
After my vasectomy I thought I couldn't get my wife pregenant

Apparently it just changes the color of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49vgvc/after_my_vasectomy_i_thought_i_couldnt_get_my/
%
I was watching Trump the other day with my dad.

He put his hand on my shoulder and said "Son, once in every generation a man comes to the fore who stands up for his fellow citizens against the foreign lunatics of this world. Get the gun, we're going to America."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49vbwb/i_was_watching_trump_the_other_day_with_my_dad/
%
What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-Spot?

A man will spend half an hour looking for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49v7o6/whats_the_difference_between_a_golf_ball_and_a/
%
An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating on the job.

No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49v13m/an_officer_was_fired_for_smoking_cannabis_and/
%
A man walks into the bar and orders 3 beers at once

He explains to the bartender that he just moved to the city and promised his two drinking buddies that whenever he went out to drink, he'd get one for them too.
This tradition continues for months until one day, this man walks in and orders two beers.
The bartender says "oh no! Did one of your friends die?"
The man says "Nah all is well. I just quit drinking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49uv79/a_man_walks_into_the_bar_and_orders_3_beers_at/
%
Is that semen?

Three women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator.
The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says “Ooooohhh that looks like semen.”
She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says “It feels like semen.”
The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says “It smells like semen.”
Judi, the blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says “It doesn't taste like anyone in this building…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49uv5b/is_that_semen/
%
I got in touch with my inner self today

That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49uucr/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
%
A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49uril/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_10_times_the/
%
A blonde, brunette, & a redhead rob a bank...

They are fleeing from the police through an old farm and see three old burlap sacks, they each hop in one to hide. The police walk up to the brunettes sack and kick it. The brunette goes "woof woof" the police say oh that just a sack of puppies and move on. They come to the next sack and it's the redheads, they kick it and the redhead yelps "meow meow" the police say oh it's just a sack of kittens and move on. They come to blondes sack and kick it the blonde says, "potato potato"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ur0k/a_blonde_brunette_a_redhead_rob_a_bank/
%
What do you call a hand job from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of Genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ulz4/what_do_you_call_a_hand_job_from_stephen_hawking/
%
Born Too Late To Explore The Earth,

Born too early to explore the galaxy,
Born at just the right time to have sex with virtual reality anime chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ukyb/born_too_late_to_explore_the_earth/
%
My dad was negotiating with a car salesman who was also a patient of his

They're sitting at the salesman's desk negotiating the price on a car, when my dad looks at him and says, "You know, if you get me the right price, my finger can be a lot smaller when your next appointment comes around".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ujl4/my_dad_was_negotiating_with_a_car_salesman_who/
%
So my friend called me last night to tell me about how his Swedish car broke down

But I told him I didn't have time for his Saab stories

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ug1p/so_my_friend_called_me_last_night_to_tell_me/
%
An American tourist stopped at a local restaurant while wandering around Madrid...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look
good, the smell was wonderful.  He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Si, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American said, "I will have the same please."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow morning and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The following day the American returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.  After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49uftt/an_american_tourist_stopped_at_a_local_restaurant/
%
Why don't feminists carry handguns?

Because of the triggers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49uepd/why_dont_feminists_carry_handguns/
%
Frustrated Class Finals

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ucww/frustrated_class_finals/
%
Stick and stones may break my bones

But words are triggering and require federal regulation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49uasl/stick_and_stones_may_break_my_bones/
%
What turns on mathematicians

Big quantitties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49u9ee/what_turns_on_mathematicians/
%
I saw two blokes having a fight...

I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife!"
You should have seen how fucking fast they both ran off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49u8qr/i_saw_two_blokes_having_a_fight/
%
What do you call a stoner working at a repair shop?

High maintenance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49u8ho/what_do_you_call_a_stoner_working_at_a_repair_shop/
%
Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It was going down the road and turned into a field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49u5he/did_you_hear_about_the_magic_tractor/
%
Alzheimer's can't be that bad

You get a chance to meet new people every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49u51l/alzheimers_cant_be_that_bad/
%
A big moron and a little moron were standing on the edge of a roof. Suddenly a gust of wind came and the big one fell off, but the little one didn't. Why?

He was a little more on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49u4zt/a_big_moron_and_a_little_moron_were_standing_on/
%
Paddy had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "how you doin?"
Paddy says, "Okay, do me a favour mate. Run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's 19 years old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says, " your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, " get away with ya....prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fucking one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49u3zr/paddy_had_broken_his_leg_and_his_buddy_mick_comes/
%
An Indian man walks into a NYC bank

and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to India for some business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5000
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So the Indian man hands over the keys and the documents to his new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.
The loan officer consults the president of the bank, and everything checks out to be OK.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as a security for the loan.
The president and loan officer had a good laugh at the Indian for keeping a $750,000 Ferrari as a security and taking only $5000 as a loan.
An employee then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later the Indian man returns and pays $5000 and the interest of $15.41.
The loan officer was glad that the transaction turned out well, but was a little puzzled. He tells the Indian man that while he was away, they checked him out and found out that he was a multi-millionaire. Why do you need a $5000 loan?
The Indian man replies "Where else in NYC can I park my car for 2 weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49u3xo/an_indian_man_walks_into_a_nyc_bank/
%
When my wife asked me to stop being a flamingo..

I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49u3kb/when_my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_being_a_flamingo/
%
A physicist sees a man about to jump off the Empire State Building...

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49u2rw/a_physicist_sees_a_man_about_to_jump_off_the/
%
What do you call a Mexican child molester?

A Pedrophile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49u005/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_child_molester/
%
I would like to thank the kind stranger I met on the bus this morning for teaching me the meaning of the word 'abundance'.

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49txkt/i_would_like_to_thank_the_kind_stranger_i_met_on/
%
What language does a flight attendant speak?

Plane English.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49trkw/what_language_does_a_flight_attendant_speak/
%
Why did the farmer get an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49trkl/why_did_the_farmer_get_an_award/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you pick up anything with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49tkff/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
%
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ths1/i_called_the_cops_about_a_murder_on_my_front_lawn/
%
What's the difference between falling from the seventh floor and falling from the second?

7th floor:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH
...
*thud*
2nd floor:
*thud*
...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49thjr/whats_the_difference_between_falling_from_the/
%
I bought a new deodorant today.

The instructions said "open cap and push up bottom". Now I can't walk but my farts smell awesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49tgby/i_bought_a_new_deodorant_today/
%
Damn, girl, are you a map?

Because you give me D-rections.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49tfi4/damn_girl_are_you_a_map/
%
What do you call a Chameleon that can't change colors?

Reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49tcsk/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_that_cant_change/
%
Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it.

*“For I did not speak of my own Accord”*  (John 12:49)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49taw2/jesus_drove_a_honda_but_didnt_talk_about_it/
%
Dark humor

is like food. Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49t6v0/dark_humor/
%
Why don't little girls fart?

They don't get assholes until they're married!
(My favorite joke to tell to un-piss off a pissed off woman after I've pissed her off with a woman joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49t40l/why_dont_little_girls_fart/
%
How many Mexican's does it take to change a lightbulb?

Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49t2bb/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I was arrested for washing my pants without taking the cash out of my pockets.

They charged me for laundering money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49t19d/i_was_arrested_for_washing_my_pants_without/
%
They say they ‘give’ medals for valour

But mine cost an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49sul5/they_say_they_give_medals_for_valour/
%
Weather Channel

I taped a Weather Channel logo on our living room window. It’s like having an extra TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49snn4/weather_channel/
%
I used to be a narcissist

But now look at me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49smlq/i_used_to_be_a_narcissist/
%
What do you call someone who keeps trying to catch your interest even though you already said you're not interested several times?

Windows 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49sk4t/what_do_you_call_someone_who_keeps_trying_to/
%
Yo mama is so fat that she is voting for Sanders

COLONEL SANDERS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49sj4z/yo_mama_is_so_fat_that_she_is_voting_for_sanders/
%
Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!

911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49sig3/boy_calls_911_hello_i_need_your_help/
%
What do you call a veterinarian that can only work on one animal?

A doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49siby/what_do_you_call_a_veterinarian_that_can_only/
%
Why did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke?

Because he finally got it﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49sbog/why_did_leonardo_dicaprio_laugh_at_the_oscar_joke/
%
Which is the most powerful colour?

Super Cyan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49sbna/which_is_the_most_powerful_colour/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49sbdj/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
People asked me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49s8f9/people_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy

...and my face smashes right into the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49s7mh/i_hate_it_when_i_go_to_hug_someone_really_sexy/
%
I once submitted 10 puns to a contest to see which one would win.

Unfortunately, no-pun-in-ten-did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49s4sa/i_once_submitted_10_puns_to_a_contest_to_see/
%
How do black people get to Hogwarts ?

They go through wall 9 3/5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49s1zn/how_do_black_people_get_to_hogwarts/
%
I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.

It’s a lot to digest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49rvqb/i_just_found_out_a_distant_relative_of_mine_has/
%
Why can't , melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49rvoj/why_cant_melons_get_married/
%
There was a new machine at the gym...

After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49rvge/there_was_a_new_machine_at_the_gym/
%
The men who fought in the Revolutionary War were very brave. They would take turns standing there shooting at each other...

...and that takes balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49rrl2/the_men_who_fought_in_the_revolutionary_war_were/
%
A frog goes into a bank...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49rr4w/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
%
"I hate tacos!"

Said no Juan ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ro58/i_hate_tacos/
%
Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer
I replied, "No, I always give 110%"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49rnuh/yesterday_at_a_job_interview_i_filled_my_glass_of/
%
I went to a child psychologist once.

He was rubbish. He was only seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49rjkl/i_went_to_a_child_psychologist_once/
%
I met this european guy last night who claimed he was a well endowed white supremacist

Well, he said he was a hung aryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49rj5e/i_met_this_european_guy_last_night_who_claimed_he/
%
What do you call a graduated spider?

A Web Designer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49rfqg/what_do_you_call_a_graduated_spider/
%
My brother's now ok with me calling him retarded.

All I had to do was tell him that 5 of the 6 presidential candidates are retarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49reg3/my_brothers_now_ok_with_me_calling_him_retarded/
%
snake joke

A guy wearing a snake walks up to a hot dog stand and asks for a hot dog for his snake.The woman running the stand says they don't have any buns so it just would be the meat.He says that sorry My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49rdsd/snake_joke/
%
Politics now a days....

On my college campus people write "feel the bern" everywhere so i decided to give Hilary some love and wrote "feel the clit" everywhere! I don't see the problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49rdby/politics_now_a_days/
%
"The Last Day"

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a due diligence investigation to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor
apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man,  "picture this, I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49rcni/the_last_day/
%
What is E.T short for?

Because it has little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49r6f1/what_is_et_short_for/
%
I used to be indecisive...

but now I'm not so sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49r45d/i_used_to_be_indecisive/
%
Why does Dr Pepper come in bottles?

His wife is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49r20s/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_bottles/
%
Some people have 32 teeth. Others have 10.

It's simple meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49r1nq/some_people_have_32_teeth_others_have_10/
%
What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?

Mom & Dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49qzx5/what_do_bernie_sanders_supporters_call_their/
%
Love is grand

Divorce is a HUNDRED grand...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49qzr2/love_is_grand/
%
Why did the football coach ask for a refund?

He wanted to get his quarterback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49qzma/why_did_the_football_coach_ask_for_a_refund/
%
What is the difference between a feminist and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after three periods!^I^will^see^myself^out^now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49qzb2/what_is_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
What type of people can you not stand?

People in wheelchairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49qxei/what_type_of_people_can_you_not_stand/
%
My stats teacher told me I was average.

I thought that was mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49qwjx/my_stats_teacher_told_me_i_was_average/
%
A blind guy walks into a bar

***thud***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49qrgd/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A man gets so drunk at a bar that...

He pukes down the front of his shirt. He begins freaking out and says, "oh no! What do I do? My wife said if she caught me drinking too much again that she would throw me out of the house."
A fellow patron emerges with a plan. "Give me $20." Desperate he gives it to him. The patron proceeds to stuff the $20 bill into the mans puke covered front shirt pocket and says, "go home. when you get there, tell your wife that someone else at the bar got so drunk that they puked on your shirt and as an apology stuffed $20 in your pocket for your troubles."
The man decides to give it a shot and heads home
"Honey, I'm home!"
"Oh no George you got drunk again! There's puke all over your shirt."
"No I swear I didn't. Another guy at the bar got so drunk he threw up on my shirt and put $20 in my shirt pocket to make up for it. Check my pocket."
The wife reached into his pocket and sure enough pulled out money.
She then said, "I thought you said it was $20. There's $40 here."
"Oh yeah. He also shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49qqjd/a_man_gets_so_drunk_at_a_bar_that/
%
What would you call your geologist friend if you are a pokemon fan?

Geodude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49qmme/what_would_you_call_your_geologist_friend_if_you/
%
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets

Women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49qhcn/what_gets_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_it_gets/
%
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0K now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49qadh/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_got_cooled_to/
%
Captain Ahab is like G.W. Bush

They're both violent men that have a revenge fantasy against a cheap source of oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49q70i/captain_ahab_is_like_gw_bush/
%
Husband, Wife and Doctor Joke

Doctor: Your husband needs a proper rest. Here are some sleeping tablets.
Woman: When will he have these?
Doctor: It’s for you, not for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49q6qx/husband_wife_and_doctor_joke/
%
I got 99 problems...

100 of them are related to my inability to count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49q5ra/i_got_99_problems/
%
Dark humour is like food

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49q09y/dark_humour_is_like_food/
%
A 90 year old man wins the Powerball for 400 million dollars..

He arrives at the press conference, accepts his giant check and teary eyed with joy proceeds to take questions from the media storm.  First reporter asks "What is your full name?"  He replies his name is Ira Mandelbaum.  Second reporter asks "What are you going to do now?"  Ira replies "First, I am going to buy all of my children their own homes.  Next, I am going to buy myself a nice car.  Then I am going to set-up college funds for my grandchildren.  After all the I am going to build a huge statue of Hitler in my front yard."  The reporters all get quiet until someone finally says "Sir, you just said you wanted to build a tribute to Hitler, why on earth after all he had done to our people would you do this?"  Ira pauses, looks him in the eye, rolls up his sleeve and says "Simple, he gave me the numbers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49q01r/a_90_year_old_man_wins_the_powerball_for_400/
%
Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it is worth it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49px9l/why_is_divorce_so_expensive/
%
I'm thinking of visiting Saudi Arabia based on the upcoming week's forecast

It's mostly Sunni

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49pw6m/im_thinking_of_visiting_saudi_arabia_based_on_the/
%
International Businessmen

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were discussing business during a dinner.
Catholic: "I have a large fortune... I am going to buy CITIBANK!"
Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy GENERAL MOTORS!"
Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince... I intend to purchase SABIC*!"
They then all wait for the Jew to speak...
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says: "I'M NOT SELLING!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49pu3c/international_businessmen/
%
Why do people browse reddit on the toilet?

For shits n' giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49pt0w/why_do_people_browse_reddit_on_the_toilet/
%
Hey baby, did you fall from Heaven?

Because so did Satan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ps4h/hey_baby_did_you_fall_from_heaven/
%
It's 2023, a child asks her father "how did Donald Trump get elected?"

".....that was the year all the adults were busy coloring."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49pos0/its_2023_a_child_asks_her_father_how_did_donald/
%
So two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff…

BAH DUM TSSH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ped1/so_two_snare_drums_and_a_cymbal_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
Why does Donald Trump secretly not want to win the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49pahw/why_does_donald_trump_secretly_not_want_to_win/
%
My boss was going to fire me over breakfast this morning but the coffee shop was closed.

There were no grounds for dismissal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49p9nv/my_boss_was_going_to_fire_me_over_breakfast_this/
%
I stole a toilet seat from a police station once.

They never caught me, they had nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49p7bd/i_stole_a_toilet_seat_from_a_police_station_once/
%
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49p5ja/what_do_you_call_a_girl_in_the_middle_of_a_tennis/
%
YO' MAMA IS SO FAT... SIZES

Yo' Mama is so fat, she buys clothes in three sizes: large, extra large, and "Oh my God, it's coming towards us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49p3l7/yo_mama_is_so_fat_sizes/
%
Did you hear there was a nuclear explosion in space this morning?!

Most people call it the sun.
Note: My dad pulled this on me this morning. My friend hit me when I told them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49p1v6/did_you_hear_there_was_a_nuclear_explosion_in/
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2 Women In Heaven

Woman 1: So how did you die?
Woman 2: Froze to death
Woman 1: That sounds horrible i'm so sorry
Woman 2: It really wasn't that bad after a while I just got really warm and went to sleep
Woman 2: How did you die?
Woman 1: I just had this strange suspicion that my husband was cheating on me so I went home early and found my husband just sitting on the sofa watching the TV so I ran around the house non  stop for half an hour then just keeled down and died of exhaustion
Woman 2: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, then would both be alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49p1sn/2_women_in_heaven/
%
Why are New Yorkers so depressed??

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49p0ag/why_are_new_yorkers_so_depressed/
%
Two men are talking at a job placement office

about how difficult it is to get a job when you have a criminal record. The first guy says, "Well, it's all about putting a positive spin on it. Take me for example, I was arrested for trying to rob the same convenience store 6 times. So I tell people that I'm persistent, tenacious, and refuse to give up on a task once I've started it. What's in your past?"
Before the second man can answer, he's called in for his interview. 10 minutes later he walks out with a giant smile on his face and says, "Thanks so much for the advice, it worked like a charm! I got a job in quality control at the car factory downtown monitoring head gasket production."
"Well that's great news," replied the first guy, slightly confused, "but what did you say to land that job?"
"Oh, well I'm into beastiality and got arrested for breaking into the aquarium, so I just told them that I'm really passionate about a tight seal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49owi9/two_men_are_talking_at_a_job_placement_office/
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Why is it bad to be an egg?

You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes you 4 minutes to get hard and only 2 minutes to get soft.
You have to share your box with 11 other guys.
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ow7m/why_is_it_bad_to_be_an_egg/
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When Canada abolished the penny there was no public protest at all...

...I guess Canada fears change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49outm/when_canada_abolished_the_penny_there_was_no/
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A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.

At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and crash into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...
"Oh the Humanities!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49orgr/a_joke_ive_picked_up_from_working_in_higher/
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby? NSFW

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49oqi1/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_baby_nsfw/
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TIFU By having one night stand

It broke and I don't have another to replace it with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49oo7b/tifu_by_having_one_night_stand/
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What's the best thing about blowjob?

A moment of silence...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ol8k/whats_the_best_thing_about_blowjob/
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Lorena Bobbit died in a car accident today

From what I hear, some dick cut her off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ojcu/lorena_bobbit_died_in_a_car_accident_today/
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Are you dylsexic?

Probably.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49oggj/are_you_dylsexic/
%
What's the worst part about swim-up bars?

The watery stools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ocpx/whats_the_worst_part_about_swimup_bars/
%
A husband and wife wake up to go hunting..

A husband and wife wake up one Saturday morning to go hunting. However, it's raining and the wife doesn't want to go sit in the rain and exclaims "I don't want to go hunting!"
The husband turns and says, " Well you're either going, or I get to fuck you in the ass or you're sucking my dick! Now I'm going to get the dogs ready. I'll be back."
The husband comes back and he says "So?" And the wife says " Well I'm not letting you fuck me in the ass so I guess I'll suck your dick!"
So she starts sucking him off and says "Eww your dick tastes like shit!" And he replies "Yeah the dogs didn't want to go hunting either!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49oa40/a_husband_and_wife_wake_up_to_go_hunting/
%
What has four legs, two horns, and always brags about climbing really tall things?

A mountain gloat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49o6me/what_has_four_legs_two_horns_and_always_brags/
%
What do you call a knight who cheats on tests?

Glancelot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49o3k8/what_do_you_call_a_knight_who_cheats_on_tests/
%
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49o14n/i_hate_it_when_engineering_students_refer_to/
%
How many Latinos does it take to do a wax job?

A Brazillion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49o0b9/how_many_latinos_does_it_take_to_do_a_wax_job/
%
I don't think I have a drinking problem

I find it incredibly easy to drink!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49nu7t/i_dont_think_i_have_a_drinking_problem/
%
In America saying you're the bomb is a compliment but...

In Afghanistan it's a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49nsbn/in_america_saying_youre_the_bomb_is_a_compliment/
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My girlfriend told me she is sick of me quoting movies all the time

I said quite frankly my dear I don't give a damn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49npzq/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_is_sick_of_me_quoting/
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*Police arrested two kids*

** Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49nmok/police_arrested_two_kids/
%
What do you call a redneck virgin?

A 13 year old girl who runs faster than her older brothers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49nmky/what_do_you_call_a_redneck_virgin/
%
I tried to catch fog yesterday

Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49nfti/i_tried_to_catch_fog_yesterday/
%
What do near-sighted gynecologists and little puppies have in common?

A wet nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ne1s/what_do_nearsighted_gynecologists_and_little/
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Three women compare their husband's penises to soda pop

Three middle-aged women sit on a porch and joke about their husbands and agree to use soda pop to describe each man's penis.
The first women says "Mountain Dew." as her husband gets hard like a mountain and just wants to "do do do"
The second women describes her husband's penis as "7up" because "It's 7 inches long and it's always up"
The third women when asked how she would describe her husbands penis, says "it's like RC cola"
When asked, "Why RC cola?"
She responds with "Because I fucking hate RC cola."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49nbtg/three_women_compare_their_husbands_penises_to/
%
Crazy girls are like a street vendor's kebab

Hot, jucy, and dangerous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49n5jn/crazy_girls_are_like_a_street_vendors_kebab/
%
A woman has twins

, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan". Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49mwom/a_woman_has_twins/
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I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner.

Wife - "I don't know."
Me, throwing out something completely random - "How about roast canard."  (french for duck)
Wife - "What's a canard?"
Me - "Same as a mallard." (type of duck)
Wife - "What's a mallard?"
Me - "Same as a drake." (male duck)
Wife - "So, roast canard is a really bad dancer?"
I wish I had come up with that punch line.  Also, I learned all of these things watching Darkwing Duck as a child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49mwcu/i_asked_my_wife_what_she_wanted_for_dinner/
%
I believe i can fly

i believe i can flyyy
got shot by the pizza guyyy
all i wanted was some onion ringggss
from McDonald's or Burgerkinggg
I believe i can soarrrr
mom slapped me in the grocery storeee
Even though im 24 I still got an imaginary dinosoarrrrr
I believe i can falllll I tripped on a bouncey ballll
Thought id post this funny jokes. Even though i got no votes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49mvi6/i_believe_i_can_fly/
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A report found 9 out of 10 bishops write with a fountain pen.

Only God knows what the other one does with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49mv2u/a_report_found_9_out_of_10_bishops_write_with_a/
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A woman and bus

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49mubu/a_woman_and_bus/
%
A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the hood.

“Leave it with me,” says the mechanic. “Come back in 20 minutes.”
So, off goes the penguin. It’s a pretty hot day and he’s a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an
ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren’t very good at eating ice creams—
the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is
completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little
sticky, he goes back to the garage.
“Oh, hello,” says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.
“Hello,” replies the penguin. “Was it anything serious?”
“Not really, but it looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
“Oh no, no, no!” says the penguin, wiping his mouth. “It’s just ice cream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49mr5w/a_penguin_takes_his_car_to_a_mechanic_because/
%
A high schooled student becomes a national hero after taking down a school shooter

But was expelled because of the schools zero tolerance policy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49mqyk/a_high_schooled_student_becomes_a_national_hero/
%
A man walks into a bar in Russia.

"Can I have one beer?" - he asks the barman.
"That will be two hundred rubles," - says the barman.
""What? It was one hundred yesterday!" - says the man.
"Well, you see, it is one hundred for a beer and now you have to add a hundred for Crimea,"- says the barman.
The man hands him two hundred rubles.
The barman gives him back a hundred and says: "We are out of beer".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49mpq9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_in_russia/
%
My professor asked me to define narcissism

I said "It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49mmsd/my_professor_asked_me_to_define_narcissism/
%
Testicle.

It's life in a nutshell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49mk15/testicle/
%
When ever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad.

Sometimes I even let her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49mga4/when_ever_it_rains_my_girlfriend_just_stands_at/
%
Did you hear about the guy that ran the erectile dysfunction support group?

He had to disband the group because he couldn't raise enough members.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49mflh/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_ran_the_erectile/
%
Why can't you insult Jewish people?

Because they've already been roasted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49m4dx/why_cant_you_insult_jewish_people/
%
I mistook a Bud Light for a blunt today.

The difference between cannabis and cannapiss...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49m10a/i_mistook_a_bud_light_for_a_blunt_today/
%
A Roman walks in to a bar...

He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49lp01/a_roman_walks_in_to_a_bar/
%
Most people have 32 teeth. Some People have 10.

Its simple meth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49lozr/most_people_have_32_teeth_some_people_have_10/
%
How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Find out next time, on Dragonball Z!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49lnhd/how_many_dragonball_z_characters_does_it_take_to/
%
If Trump wins the presidency, what will be his reelection slogan in 2020?

Make America decent again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ll84/if_trump_wins_the_presidency_what_will_be_his/
%
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49lk7b/hillary_clinton_lost_last_time_to_the_first/
%
I just met a guy addicted to brake fluid.

However, he was adamant that he could stop anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49lh7g/i_just_met_a_guy_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
%
Hillary Clinton and her chauffeur are driving on a country road. Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car.

The chauffeur has no time to react, and runs over it, giving it instant death.
The chauffeur stops the car, gets out and looks around. He spots a small farm-house in the distance. Hillary says to her chauffeur, "You should at least tell them that you've killed the pig"
The chauffeur does as he's told.
A couple of hours later, the chauffeur stumbles out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss-marks and a bottle of champagne in each hand.
As he stumbles to the passenger side window, Hillary exclaims, "Jesus, what did you tell them?"
"Exactly what you told me boss: Hi I'm Hillary Clinton's chauffeur and I've just killed the pig."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49lgq5/hillary_clinton_and_her_chauffeur_are_driving_on/
%
Sicilian saying

"When you wake up with four balls, your enemy is behind you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49lcau/sicilian_saying/
%
No one really expected the Avatar porn

It kinda just came out of the blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49lbhs/no_one_really_expected_the_avatar_porn/
%
Hey girl, do your breasts have an agent?

'Cuz I’d like to handle them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49lb6x/hey_girl_do_your_breasts_have_an_agent/
%
Happy Womens Day

They say a womans work is never done... Perhaps that's why they're paid less?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49l7oe/happy_womens_day/
%
So this doctor walks into a bar and he orders a beer...

**Feminist:** Why isn’t the doctor a woman? Does it have to be a man? You know women can be doctors too!
**Me:** Okay, this FEMALE doctor orders a beer-
**Feminist:** Why is she drinking a beer in a bar? She’s obviously an intelligent woman for being a doctor, why would she subject herself to such a male environment?
**Me:** Okay, she’s not in a bar, she’s um, at a… baseball game, and she orders a beer from one of the stands-
**Feminist:** Why would a strong independent intelligent woman doctor be supporting a male dominated sport?!!!!!! That’s so oppressive! The men will look at her so demeaningly with no respect for what she has achieved!
**Me:** … Okay fine, I just won’t tell the joke then.
**Feminist:** If you seriously can’t tell a joke without being sexist then you’re not actually funny at all. I bet the original male doctor was White too, you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49l6vy/so_this_doctor_walks_into_a_bar_and_he_orders_a/
%
Beer is Bad for You

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer - hops contain Phytoestrogens - and that by drinking enough beer, men began to act like women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49l0dy/beer_is_bad_for_you/
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You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?

In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49l07o/you_know_how_in_restaurants_they_often_ask_you_if/
%
Just because I can't spell Armygeddan.....

Doesn't mean its the end of the world....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49kxyi/just_because_i_cant_spell_armygeddan/
%
What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit the frogs middle finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ktl0/whats_green_and_smells_like_pork/
%
I can't believe my girlfriend just called me old fashioned

And with her ankles showing, the slut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ksmj/i_cant_believe_my_girlfriend_just_called_me_old/
%
What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49kq2n/what_has_2_legs_and_bleeds_a_lot/
%
The language of Heaven

(Mind you, I got this joke from a Russian)
A policeman is walking around on patrol when he spots an older gentleman sitting on a bench outside Vladivostok train station. The man on the bench seems to be muttering intensely to himself. Curious, the policeman walks up to him and asks:
"Good citizen, what are you mumbling about? Has something happened?"
The man looks up, confounded at first, before his eyes orient on the policeman.
"Oh, sorry, good sir officer, I didn't see you there. No, nothing is wrong. I am just very focused. You see, I am old, and at my age, you never know when Death comes knocking. Therefore, I have decided that I shall learn Hebrew, in case I get to heaven."
The policeman nods to himself at the wisdom in this, but while he doesn't want to distress the old gentleman, he can't help but ask:
"But, good citizen, what will you do if you instead end up in hell?"
The old man spreads his hand and shrugs.
"Well, as you hear for yourself, good sir officer, I already speak Russian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49kn8o/the_language_of_heaven/
%
I love going to the park and watch the kids run and scream

But they don't know I'm just using blanks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49k5sc/i_love_going_to_the_park_and_watch_the_kids_run/
%
Just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon

I'll be sure to let you know which one wins so we can settle this once and for all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49k3of/just_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_on_amazon/
%
I'm celebrating international women's day by not having my wife make me a sandwich today.

I'm going to Subway and having Rachel make it instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49jyer/im_celebrating_international_womens_day_by_not/
%
My wife's legs are like the peanut butter I left in the fridge.

Won't spread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49jy5t/my_wifes_legs_are_like_the_peanut_butter_i_left/
%
A dad and his daughter are having an argument...

The daughter gets really frustrated with the situation, and goes to leave the room. When she reaches the doorway, she turns around and blurts out "AND BY THE WAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!".
Her dad yells back "HEY, WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49jwyw/a_dad_and_his_daughter_are_having_an_argument/
%
So today is International Women's Day

It was supposed to be yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
^^stole ^^this ^^from ^^twitter, ^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49jsdv/so_today_is_international_womens_day/
%
How do you seduce a fat woman?

PIece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49jnbw/how_do_you_seduce_a_fat_woman/
%
Whats the difference between Paul Walker and Tiger Woods?

Tiger Woods has a better driver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49jho7/whats_the_difference_between_paul_walker_and/
%
A Lincolnian love life

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat
down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked,
"Going to a party?"
"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49jc51/a_lincolnian_love_life/
%
Happy International Women's Day!

Or as I like to call it, Taco Tuesday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49jbox/happy_international_womens_day/
%
I put my root beer in a square cup

Now it is just beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49jaae/i_put_my_root_beer_in_a_square_cup/
%
Why don't Natives like snow?

It's white and on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49j901/why_dont_natives_like_snow/
%
What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas?

We don't know; she hasn't opened her presents yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49j7l9/what_did_the_girl_with_no_arms_get_for_christmas/
%
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!"
The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"
Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!"
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49j5tc/three_vampires_are_sitting_on_the_graveyard_wall/
%
Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lac tose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49j3jc/why_do_cows_have_hooves/
%
If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY.

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49izm4/if_your_apartment_is_hit_by_a_dolphin_do_not_go/
%
Who won the first tour de France?

The 7th German Panzer Division

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49iwzk/who_won_the_first_tour_de_france/
%
Why did Pluto miss the solar system party.

He didn't planet right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49it7x/why_did_pluto_miss_the_solar_system_party/
%
Why wasn't toto as excited as dorothy when they traveled the yellow brick road?

he missed the rains down in africa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49iru5/why_wasnt_toto_as_excited_as_dorothy_when_they/
%
My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49irtw/my_computer_crashed_a_few_hours_into_writing_my/
%
So they're making a Hulk body wash...

You apply it with a Loofah Rigno.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ipi3/so_theyre_making_a_hulk_body_wash/
%
An American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man are traveling in Africa when they are captured by a fierce tribe of headhunters.

The witch doctor says to them, "We are going to slaughter you, but you might take some comfort in knowing that we don't believe in waste here, and that therefore every part of you body will go to some use.  We will weave baskets out of you hair, we will render your bones for glue and we will tan your skin and stretch it over wooden frames for canoes.  Now we are going to allow you an honorable death, so I will give you each a knife and allow you to say some last words before killing yourselves."
The Japanese guy yells "Banzai!" and commits hara-kiri.
The French guy yells "Vive la France!" and slits his throat.
Then the American guy takes the knife, pokes holes all over his body and yells, "There's your fucking canoe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ip20/an_american_a_frenchman_and_a_japanese_man_are/
%
My girlfriend is a pornstar

She will kill me if she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49in74/my_girlfriend_is_a_pornstar/
%
He got Lucky on women's day

A professor walks in to a class. He has a hypothesis. He claims the people who have sex most often are the happiest.
To prove, he divides the class in to three groups. People having sex once a month are put to one corner. They are the least happy. People having sex once a week are put to another corner. They are slightly happier. And finally people having sex more than once a week are put to yet another corner. They are even happier.
But one guy is still sitting in the class. To see he’s the happiest of them all.
The professor is shaken. This chap is going to prove him wrong! Professor walks up to him and ask, "How often do you have sex, son?"
Guy: Once a year.
Professor.: Then how come you are so happy?
Guy: It's today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49in2n/he_got_lucky_on_womens_day/
%
What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ij6c/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/
%
I used to be in a band called The Prevention

We hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ifpz/i_used_to_be_in_a_band_called_the_prevention/
%
Why are elevator jokes so funny?

Because they work on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ievt/why_are_elevator_jokes_so_funny/
%
What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run
Politician: They run and then steal your money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49iaro/whats_the_difference_between_politicians_and/
%
I have an idea for a make-your-own hotdog place

It's called "What's the Wurst That Could Happen?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49i7hi/i_have_an_idea_for_a_makeyourown_hotdog_place/
%
I think when people talk about the "funny bone" they must mean the spine

Because after my sister broke hers she never laughed again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49i6mr/i_think_when_people_talk_about_the_funny_bone/
%
What is the scariest part of a cavity search?

When they put both their hands on your shoulders but keep searching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49i2ms/what_is_the_scariest_part_of_a_cavity_search/
%
What's an advantage of being Swiss?

The flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49i1tv/whats_an_advantage_of_being_swiss/
%
How did the frog die?

He kermitted suicide.
I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49hm0m/how_did_the_frog_die/
%
My Dad always calls me goldfish...

I forget why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49hlun/my_dad_always_calls_me_goldfish/
%
A bartender walks into...

...a church, a temple and a mosque.
He has no idea how jokes work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49hkpr/a_bartender_walks_into/
%
Which are the scariest kind of bees?

Zombees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49hkoi/which_are_the_scariest_kind_of_bees/
%
I was at the park today by the playground.

A mother asked me which kid was mine.
"I haven't decided yet.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49hjly/i_was_at_the_park_today_by_the_playground/
%
Why can't you trick an aborted baby?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49hek3/why_cant_you_trick_an_aborted_baby/
%
Robert Kardashian taught Kim an important lesson.

You can become famous if you help a black guy get off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49hdl6/robert_kardashian_taught_kim_an_important_lesson/
%
Just stuck my tongue in an outlet.

The results were shocking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49hd2f/just_stuck_my_tongue_in_an_outlet/
%
A Russian couple was walking down the Street

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’’s raining,” he said to his wife.
No, that felt more like snow to me,“ she replied.
"No, I’’m sure it was just rain, he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.
"Let’’s not fight about it,” the man said, “let’’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’’s officially raining or snowing.”
As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”
It’’s raining, of course,“ he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49hb28/a_russian_couple_was_walking_down_the_street/
%
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49h5o4/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
%
Trump must be Hitler...

...because he sure is killin the pol(l)s right now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49h56u/trump_must_be_hitler/
%
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?

All the fans left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49gvxr/why_did_the_stadium_get_hot_after_the_game/
%
What do you call a fat psychic ?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49gur9/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
Two Christians are lost in a desert

David and Michael were going on a safari where they got lost and their car stopped working, they started wondering throughout the desert. With food and water supply almost ending and no reception anywhere they were desperately looking for help.
After a very long time in the heat of the desert and almost dying from thirst they finally see a mosque far away. They start discussing among each other.
David: I'll pretend I am a Muslim so they will give me food and water!
Michael: I don't care I am a proud Christian and I will not pretend to be someone else just for food.
As they go to the mosque, the Muslims rush to their aid. David says he's a Muslim and Michael says he's Christian.
So the Muslims get water and food fast for Mike and as David was waiting for his turn the Muslims turn around for him and say... "You know it's Ramadan, right"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49gtji/two_christians_are_lost_in_a_desert/
%
Tell the Punchline first.

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49grs0/tell_the_punchline_first/
%
Why the hate for necromancers?T

They're just trying to raise a family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49gl6m/why_the_hate_for_necromancerst/
%
How did the right triangle commit suicide?

With a Hypote-noose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49gkvh/how_did_the_right_triangle_commit_suicide/
%
Since this is my favorite subreddit, I am proud to announce to it that I have been clean for the past 3 months!!

Don't get me wrong. Showering that much is hard, but at least I have heroin to help me through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ggth/since_this_is_my_favorite_subreddit_i_am_proud_to/
%
What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced?

His mom got soul custody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49gfak/what_happened_to_casper_the_friendly_ghost_after/
%
What batteries do turtles use?

Durashells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49gc96/what_batteries_do_turtles_use/
%
How many teens does it take to change a light bulb

1, they stand there and wait for the world to revolve around them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49gc3r/how_many_teens_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
Why doesn't the queen's farts smell?

Because it's a noble gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49g8ye/why_doesnt_the_queens_farts_smell/
%
A man desperately clings to reality as he laid on his mothers grave.

Another man walks by and says "Good mourning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49fzrv/a_man_desperately_clings_to_reality_as_he_laid_on/
%
A story in knock knocks.

Sam and Jim are friends. Sam is fucked up. Sam tells Jim jokes.
Sam: "Why did Suzy fall off the swings?"
Jim: "Aw why"
Sam: "She had no arms."
Jim: "Dude wtf"
Sam: "Knock knock"
Jim: "Who's there?"
Sam: "Not Suzy."
Jim: "Not fucking funny""
Sam: "Knock Knock"
Jim: "Who's there?"
Sam: "This time it's Suzy, but she's got a pretty bad concussion."
Jim: "You sick fuck."
Sam: "Okay. For real this time. Knock knock"
Jim*(reluctantly)*: "Who's there."
Sam: "Dave"
Jim*(at ease)*: "Dave who?"
Sam: "Dave, Suzy's brother? She... She's in the hospital... It's bad... I.. I didn't know who else to go to... Our parents left us and... It's bad... They're saying she won't make the morning... I'm scared... She's.. She's so small... They have all these tubes in her... I..."
Jim: "Fuck. You."
Sam: "Knock knock"
Jim: "......"
Sam: "......"
Jim: ".....who's there."
Sam: "Boo"
Jim: "Boo who?"
Sam: "Hah, pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49fvr1/a_story_in_knock_knocks/
%
My internet was down for 5 minutes today

So I went downstairs and spoke to my family.   They seem like nice people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ftho/my_internet_was_down_for_5_minutes_today/
%
My girlfriend's father is pretty religious and said we couldn't make love...

which is rather disappointing because he's extremely handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49fq99/my_girlfriends_father_is_pretty_religious_and/
%
I met an exercising nun.

She was a firm believer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49fpwq/i_met_an_exercising_nun/
%
I had sex with a pregnant woman last night

Was also my first threesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49fpse/i_had_sex_with_a_pregnant_woman_last_night/
%
Your only chance of getting laid...

is to crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49fork/your_only_chance_of_getting_laid/
%
According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49focv/according_to_my_doctor_it_would_be_best_for_my/
%
"What's that in the bag?" "An AK-47." "No next to that." "A bag of cheetos."

"You can't bring that into the movie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49fl91/whats_that_in_the_bag_an_ak47_no_next_to_that_a/
%
A child is going through his mother's purse and takes out her driver's license...

his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him
the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"
she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"
"and what is that?" says his mother
"you're old" says the kid
"and i learned your height"
"which is?' says the mother
"you're really tall" he says
"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"
"and, i learned your weight" he says
"and what is that?" asks the mother
"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says
the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"
"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"
"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"
"because, you got an F in sex"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49fggz/a_child_is_going_through_his_mothers_purse_and/
%
Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?

I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ffgj/why_didnt_the_terminator_upgrade_to_windows_10/
%
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So they don't get mistaken for feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49feyw/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

Because he was too far out, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49fdt4/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippy/
%
Why are black people tall?

Because their knee grows.
Sorry, I had to do this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49fa2r/why_are_black_people_tall/
%
My phone got married last week.

The service was good despite the lousy reception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49f84u/my_phone_got_married_last_week/
%
After my prostrate exam, the nurse asked me an interesting question.

She asked "Who was the guy in the lab coat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49f6ji/after_my_prostrate_exam_the_nurse_asked_me_an/
%
My girlfriend surprised me with a car!

It's a good thing she missed me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49evmd/my_girlfriend_surprised_me_with_a_car/
%
What make an ISIS joke funny?

the execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ev9s/what_make_an_isis_joke_funny/
%
I told my dad about the school shooting today

I don't know why he got so worked up over picture day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49eum9/i_told_my_dad_about_the_school_shooting_today/
%
Arguing with a woman is a lot like reading a license agreement

By the end, you ignore everything and just click "agree".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49eu1k/arguing_with_a_woman_is_a_lot_like_reading_a/
%
Nurse walking down a hallway reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer...

She says, "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49esmf/nurse_walking_down_a_hallway_reaches_into_her/
%
A $50 Lesson

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.  She said she wanted to be President some day.  Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
Her parents beamed with pride.
'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her.  'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked  me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49es14/a_50_lesson/
%
How many 9 year olds does it take to change a lightbulb?

Over 20, as my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49eqo9/how_many_9_year_olds_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A Roman walks into a bar...

and holds up two fingers and says "I'll have five beers please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ekpf/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
TIFU by telling a terrorist joke to my Muslim girlfriend.

She blew up in my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ekgd/tifu_by_telling_a_terrorist_joke_to_my_muslim/
%
Researchers found that students of a teacher who regularly took LSD lived extraordinarily long lives.

It seems his pupils die late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49eikv/researchers_found_that_students_of_a_teacher_who/
%
What do you call a fat pirate?

A vast matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ebza/what_do_you_call_a_fat_pirate/
%
Say what you will about the Democratic debate...

but Hillary Clinton didn't refer to the size of her penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49e526/say_what_you_will_about_the_democratic_debate/
%
A teacher asks her student about his favorite tree...

Teacher: "Bob, which tree do you love most?"
Bob: "The eucalyptus is pretty"
Teacher: "That's nice. How do you spell eucalyptus?"
Bob: "Yep, can't go wrong with a good solid oak"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49e4ts/a_teacher_asks_her_student_about_his_favorite_tree/
%
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49e0gm/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
%
I walked past an electronics store once...

I saw a TV for sale in the window. The sticker said, "TV for sale, volume stuck on full, $1"
I thought to myself, "Wow. I can't turn that down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49dxiv/i_walked_past_an_electronics_store_once/
%
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter...

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with the wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home by the Lord following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail since she was expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
* To: My Loving Wife
* Subject: I've Arrived
* Date: November 18, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS. Sure is freaking hot down here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49dxc7/a_minneapolis_couple_decided_to_go_to_florida_to/
%
Job requirements for heads of state:

Great Britain:
- to be able to effectively manage and balance foreign and domestic policies
- a skilled negotiator able to reach an agreement in complex situations
Germany:
- to be highly efficient in managing the industrial sector
- an impeccable diplomat
Russia:
- to be a strong leader in the face of numerous forces trying to influence the course of government
- be a skilled and precise user of military force in adverse international situations
China:
- to be able to co-ordinate huge numbers of people to co-exist in a tough international economy
- be a great strategic planner and see the large long-term situation
USA:
- large penis
- winning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49dvb9/job_requirements_for_heads_of_state/
%
Social Security. Get it?

You will when you're 65.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49dsxh/social_security_get_it/
%
What's big and long that a Polish girl gets on her wedding night?

A new last name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49dscu/whats_big_and_long_that_a_polish_girl_gets_on_her/
%
*First day as drug dealer*

*Giggles* "coke isn't available, is Pepsi ok?"
*gets stabbed*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49dmu1/first_day_as_drug_dealer/
%
A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49diug/a_joke_is_like_a_frog/
%
Why did the Energizer Bunny go to prison?

He was charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49dfxm/why_did_the_energizer_bunny_go_to_prison/
%
I love Fight Club!

I showed up a little late so I missed the first few rules but I can't wait to go next week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49de89/i_love_fight_club/
%
A professor walks in to a class….

He has a hypothesis. He claims the people who have sex most often are the happiest. To prove, he divides the class in to three groups. People having sex once a month are put to one corner. They are the least happy. People having sex once a week are put to another corner. They are slightly happier. And finally people having sex more than once a week are put to yet another corner. They are even happier.
But one guy is still sitting in the class. To see he’s the happiest of them all! The professor is shaken. This chap is going to prove him wrong! Professor walks to him and ask;
Prof.: How often do you have sex son?
Guy: Once a year.
Prof.: Then how come you are so happy?!
Guy: IT’S TODAY! IT’S TODAY! IT’S TODAY!
Credit: To my Accounting professor Mr. A.A.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49dcuv/a_professor_walks_in_to_a_class/
%
What's an activity 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49dcd9/whats_an_activity_9_out_of_10_people_enjoy/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a hedgehog?

On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49da6c/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_hedgehog/
%
A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before,
But who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke
the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"'Good", she replied "Get your own flipping blanket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49d9iw/a_short_love_story/
%
Chinese Takeaway

- £24
Petrol To pick it up - £2
Getting home and realizing the twats have forgotten one of your containers.
Riceless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49d3d4/chinese_takeaway/
%
TIL that if you plug your amp into a 12" instead of your 8", you get fireworks.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49czkp/til_that_if_you_plug_your_amp_into_a_12_instead/
%
"It's not you, it's me"

The saying "It's not you, it's me" actually originates from chinese families looking through family photo albums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49cxhf/its_not_you_its_me/
%
It was really cold today...

It was so cold that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49cw2n/it_was_really_cold_today/
%
What did the RAM stick say to the politician?

I'm PC2!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49csnb/what_did_the_ram_stick_say_to_the_politician/
%
What do you call the surgery when a woman gets a sex change?

Addadictomy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49cs30/what_do_you_call_the_surgery_when_a_woman_gets_a/
%
Donald Trump says that he plans to reduce inflation.

Shortly after, Tom Brady announced his intent to vote for Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49cro6/donald_trump_says_that_he_plans_to_reduce/
%
A Polish man goes to the eye doctor...

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:
C Z Y N Q S T A S Z
The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?”
„Read it?”, the Pole replies, „I know the guy!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49copy/a_polish_man_goes_to_the_eye_doctor/
%
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

Mainly, the taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49cohx/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
%
Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.

Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49chan/spent_over_an_hour_at_the_wifes_grave_this_morning/
%
I'm never allowed to spend money on myself

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent   another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't  thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!   Women, I can't figure them out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49cfro/im_never_allowed_to_spend_money_on_myself/
%
Why did Hitler invade Hungary?

Because he can't resist a HungAryan :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49cffm/why_did_hitler_invade_hungary/
%
I asked my friend "Do you know any other word for a big rock?"

He said "Boulder?"
I said **"Do you know any other word for a big rock?"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ccme/i_asked_my_friend_do_you_know_any_other_word_for/
%
How do you tell if a feminist is on their period?

You can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49cc61/how_do_you_tell_if_a_feminist_is_on_their_period/
%
Why are turkeys fat?

Because they gobble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49cc5j/why_are_turkeys_fat/
%
What is the worst thing about being black and Jewish?

You have to stand at the back of the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49c6lb/what_is_the_worst_thing_about_being_black_and/
%
Aren't some of the methods used to kill people on death row...

...absolutely shocking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49c6jj/arent_some_of_the_methods_used_to_kill_people_on/
%
What do you call a broken can opener?

A can't opener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49c63t/what_do_you_call_a_broken_can_opener/
%
What did the blondes mom say to her before leaving for a night out?

If you're not in bed by one come home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49c4jq/what_did_the_blondes_mom_say_to_her_before/
%
I once farted in Apple store and everybody got pissed of...

...it's not my fault that they don't have Windows﻿.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49c1sq/i_once_farted_in_apple_store_and_everybody_got/
%
Two antennas decided to get married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49bywe/two_antennas_decided_to_get_married/
%
Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass

Doctors describe his condition as stable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49btne/man_hospitalized_with_6_plastic_horses_up_his_ass/
%
Which program do Jedis use to open PDF files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49bo6b/which_program_do_jedis_use_to_open_pdf_files/
%
Halfway into the 20km marathon, I saw my cheating g/f and told her that I was breaking up with her

I guess it was the right thing to do in the long run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49bnba/halfway_into_the_20km_marathon_i_saw_my_cheating/
%
Penis auction

A man wakes up with his wife nudging him...
"Honey, honey, I just had the craziest dream!"
"Yeah, what was it?"
"I dreamed I was at an auction and they were auctioning off dicks! Normal ones were $100 and big huge ones were $200!"
"Oh yeah? And what about those like mine?"
"Oh... those they were giving away for free."
The husband thinks about this a bit and says,
"You know, I had a similar dream a few nights ago. I was at this auction, and they were auctioning off cunts. Normal ones were $1,000 and little tight ones were $2,000".
"Really...", says the wife, "and what about those like mine?"
"That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49bh1e/penis_auction/
%
Yo mama jokes are dumb, overused, and low quality.

Like yo mama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49bcmz/yo_mama_jokes_are_dumb_overused_and_low_quality/
%
At a renaissance fair, a Royal Entertainer held a door open for me.

It was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49b9av/at_a_renaissance_fair_a_royal_entertainer_held_a/
%
I want to reenact a scene from 50 Shades of Gray....

Y'know the one where she gets a job right out of college.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49b7g4/i_want_to_reenact_a_scene_from_50_shades_of_gray/
%
What do you call a roaming caveman?

A meanderthal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49b3ha/what_do_you_call_a_roaming_caveman/
%
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It will take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by a chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49b2uy/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
%
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar fifty but deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49b010/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm, instead, I gave her super glue by mistake.

She's still not talking to me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49aynu/my_wife_asked_me_to_pass_her_lip_balm_instead_i/
%
A man walks into a Scottish Pub...

A man walks into a Scottish Pub and in it are only two people, the bartender and an old Scottish man. He orders a pint and sits next to the old man.
The old man starts talking and says, "I built this bar with my bare hands, I built this bar more carefully than I raised my own child but does anyone call me McGregor the Bar-Builder? No." The old man points out one of the windows at a Stone Wall. "You see that stone wall? I built that stone wall. I picked out each brick carefully and laid it. But does anyone call me McGregor the Stonewall-Builder? No." He points out another window at a pier on a lake. "You see that pier? I built that, too. I went into the woods and carefully picked out trees and cut them down and used the wood. But does anyone call me McGregor the pier builder? no." The old man stands up with anger and shouts, "But you fuck one goat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49awnk/a_man_walks_into_a_scottish_pub/
%
A doctor drives by a small town

He stops at a gas station and notices there is no one there. A little kid passes by and tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is a the funeral of the owner's daughter.  Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night and goes to the funeral.
When he gets there he goes in and looks at the open casket and notices that something is wrong.  The doctor calls the father:
-Sir, I am a doctor and I can assure you she is not dead, she is in a catatonic sleep.
-What do we do now? Says the father.
-Does she have a boyfriend? asks the doctor.
-Yes, replies the father.
-Take her to a room and have the boyfriend have sex with her.
They do as the doctor said and sure enough she wakes up.  Everybody was happy and the doctors leaves once he fill up his gas  tank. Few months go by and the doctor returns to the same gas station.  The same kid greets him again:
-Doctor, is so great to see you again. About a week ago Mr. John died.  Half of the town has fucked him already but he is just not waking up.
Moral of the story: See a doctor before self medicating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49auzz/a_doctor_drives_by_a_small_town/
%
If I had ba dollar for every time I was racist,

I'd be as rich as a Jew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49areb/if_i_had_ba_dollar_for_every_time_i_was_racist/
%
What do you call a time traveler who masturbated in the future?

A blast from the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ak50/what_do_you_call_a_time_traveler_who_masturbated/
%
What does baby computer call his father?

Data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ajly/what_does_baby_computer_call_his_father/
%
A blonde woman walks into a library

and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."
The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."
The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."
(Credit goes to my dad for this one. He had another one that I can't remember but once I do I'm coming back to post it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49aj9v/a_blonde_woman_walks_into_a_library/
%
I think elephants are overprotected

But I suppose it's easy for me to say that from my ivory tower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49agf1/i_think_elephants_are_overprotected/
%
I like my coffee the way I like my women...

... Pale and weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49aeas/i_like_my_coffee_the_way_i_like_my_women/
%
Why are orphans bad at baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ad5i/why_are_orphans_bad_at_baseball/
%
Why was the 1 year old Ethiopian boy crying?

He was having a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49acdy/why_was_the_1_year_old_ethiopian_boy_crying/
%
My wife wanted bigger breasts. I told her to rub toilet paper between them and over time they'll grow huge. She asked, "How do you know it will work?"

"It worked for your ass didn't it?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ac1a/my_wife_wanted_bigger_breasts_i_told_her_to_rub/
%
a jewish lady and her boy were at the beach...

the boy is swimming in the sea, quite a way out. the mother looks on from the shore. after a while its clear the boy is in trouble. he's struggling to keep his his head above and he goes under.
his mother cannot swim at all so with no other option she drops to her knees and prays to God.
"GOD, Hear me! please help my boy! help my little bubala!"
sure enough the boy raises from the sea, levitating in the air he begins to float to the shore. it is clearly an act of god. the invisible force delivers him right into his mothers arms where he spits up sea water and takes a deep gasp of air...
his mother looks up at the sky and shouts to God:
"Excuse me!! I believe he was wearing a hat, hmm?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49a8x3/a_jewish_lady_and_her_boy_were_at_the_beach/
%
Two old ladies sitting in a doctor's office in Florida...

The one says to the other, "I can't see, I can't hear anything and I can barely walk.  Thank God I can still drive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49a7ki/two_old_ladies_sitting_in_a_doctors_office_in/
%
No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49a46w/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/
%
A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die

And go to heaven. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and says "Behold! The Fountain of Purity! If any of you are impure you may wash it away in its water and enter into heaven."
The nuns are quiet at first, but one brave nun speaks up and says, "I once gave the priest a handjob behind the altar. St. Peter says, "Go wash your hands in the Fountain of Purity and you may enter into heaven." The nun does and goes into heaven.
A second nun says, "I once let an altar boy fondle tits in the confessional!" St. Peter tell her "Dip your tits in the Fountain of Purity and you may enter into heaven." So the nun dips her tits in the water goes into heaven.
Now there is a bustle at the back of the crowd and one nuns runs up and yells "If I'm going to have to gargle that water I'm going to do it before Sister Mary Francis puts her asshole in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/499zmw/a_bus_full_of_nuns_crashes_and_they_all_die/
%
What did Ghandi say when he was in the toilet?

"I'm having a movement"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/499xv3/what_did_ghandi_say_when_he_was_in_the_toilet/
%
Why can't the pirate get to any subreddits?

He keeps typing /arrr/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/499uh7/why_cant_the_pirate_get_to_any_subreddits/
%
What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

An ironing board's legs are hard to open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/499t0i/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_an/
%
A Mexican magician...

A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three.
He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* ...he disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/499r1p/a_mexican_magician/
%
An elderly man in Florida . . .

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/499o0b/an_elderly_man_in_florida/
%
Why did the midget get slapped?

Because he told a woman how nice her hair smelled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/499kxb/why_did_the_midget_get_slapped/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose...
Glutes( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/499k2a/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
What does a Muslim have if they hate their god?

An Allahgy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/499dz4/what_does_a_muslim_have_if_they_hate_their_god/
%
I hate all 1970's female solo artists

What a bunch of pre-madonnas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/499do4/i_hate_all_1970s_female_solo_artists/
%
Email inventor dies aged 74

I sent my re:re:re:re:re:gards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/499dfb/email_inventor_dies_aged_74/
%
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

“Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford.  He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house.  They search the shed where the firewood is kept.  Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.  They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house.  Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?” “Yep.” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep.” “Great, now it’s your turn to call.  I need my garden plowed.”﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/499col/the_phone_rings_at_fbi_headquarters/
%
No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!

I know I can always count on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/499bsy/no_matter_how_bad_things_get_at_least_i_have_my/
%
Never ever marry a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4999uo/never_ever_marry_a_tennis_player/
%
Why were the people in the twin towers mad?

Because they ordered pepperoni, but all they got was plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4999dk/why_were_the_people_in_the_twin_towers_mad/
%
First day on the job as a drug dealer...

Dealer: I don't have coke... is Pepsi okay?
*gets stabbed*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4991y2/first_day_on_the_job_as_a_drug_dealer/
%
What do you call a snarky criminal going down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4990ae/what_do_you_call_a_snarky_criminal_going_down_a/
%
I would make an economics joke

But there's no demand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49903r/i_would_make_an_economics_joke/
%
Wife asks god for a better husband

Wife: Dear God , I wish you could make my husband pay more attention to me, protect me, take me out, sleep close to me at night.
I wish he would be more caring even if I got the smallest of scratches.
God then turned her into a smartphone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/498zbj/wife_asks_god_for_a_better_husband/
%
Today I swallowed two pieces of string...

Later they came out tied together, I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/498ucj/today_i_swallowed_two_pieces_of_string/
%
A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?"
He says, "You know, Miss Kandol, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/498r1e/a_young_lady_is_in_the_hospital_for_an_operation/
%
People keep comparing Trump to Hitler, but that is just not true.

I mean, Hitler could paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/498pha/people_keep_comparing_trump_to_hitler_but_that_is/
%
Folks ask me why I still miss my wife after forty years.

Well, I’m human —  and that bitch is still pretty quick on her feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/498caa/folks_ask_me_why_i_still_miss_my_wife_after_forty/
%
I know we just met but I want you to know I suffer from premature ejaculation...

Too soon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/498b10/i_know_we_just_met_but_i_want_you_to_know_i/
%
Where do you find a dog with no arms and no legs?

Right where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4989d8/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
Damn girl, your ass is like an avacado

It's that good kinda fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4986q7/damn_girl_your_ass_is_like_an_avacado/
%
When I was a kid I didn't want to imagine my parents having sex,

so I’d watch them from the wardrobe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/498683/when_i_was_a_kid_i_didnt_want_to_imagine_my/
%
What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The Wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4982xs/what_is_the_hardest_part_about_eating_a_vegetable/
%
I was trying to get out of the friend zone with a girl. She put me in the brother zone...

Good thing I live in Alabama!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4980r6/i_was_trying_to_get_out_of_the_friend_zone_with_a/
%
I like racists jokes the same way that I like black people

I don't like racists jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/497zs6/i_like_racists_jokes_the_same_way_that_i_like/
%
Girls' Night Out

Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says
"No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties."
"You think you have it bad?" says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/497yzx/girls_night_out/
%
Drunk people are so self centred...

... they think the world revolves around them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/497wgv/drunk_people_are_so_self_centred/
%
Statistics say there's a gay guy in every group of friends. I think it's Tim...

he's got a great ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/497usq/statistics_say_theres_a_gay_guy_in_every_group_of/
%
What do you get when you cross a Jamaican with a ginger?

A gingerbreadmon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/497urf/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_jamaican_with_a/
%
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

You tape a loaf of bread to the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/497q7i/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_ethiopia/
%
A young couple's house gets burgled, so they decide to get a guard dog...

The wife goes to a pet shop and tells the owner "I'd like to see the toughest guard dog you've got!"
The owner answers "I've got just the dog for you!". He presents to her to a tiny chihuahua called Roxy.
"Sure he's cute, but can he really guard a home?" she asks skeptically.
"Lady, this isn't just any dog, he is in fact a master of karate!".
"Prove it!" she demands .
"Roxy, karate my chair!" he commands of the dog.
Roxy immediately attacks the chair in a blur of chops, kicks and uppercuts, leaving nothing but tinder.
"Roxy, karate my desk!"  he commands. Roxy sweeps the desk off its legs and breaks it apart in mid-air before it hits the ground.
"Do you accept checks?" she says bewildered.
She brings Roxy home to her husband, who looks at the two of them aghast.
"Why did you bring that little toy? We're looking for a guard dog!"
"Honey this isn't just any dog off the street, he happens to be a master of karate" she beams.
"Pffft" replies the husband. "Karate my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/497jr3/a_young_couples_house_gets_burgled_so_they_decide/
%
Jesus must have been a champ in bed...

He only came once and people all over the world are waiting for him to come again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4975oc/jesus_must_have_been_a_champ_in_bed/
%
A Man walks into a Zoo

The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4974u8/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo/
%
Difference between a three ring circus and a strip club?

One is a cunning array of stunts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/496z2l/difference_between_a_three_ring_circus_and_a/
%
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..

I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/496u0p/my_neighborhood_barber_just_got_arrested_for/
%
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/496qjx/hillary_clinton_lost_last_time_to_the_first/
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What do you call a person who continues to touch up on something that is already perfect, and thus ruining whatever it was?

George Lucas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/496odh/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_continues_to_touch/
%
I was on the subway when someone sneezed on me.

I was so disgusted, I turned to him and said "People like you make me sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/496exm/i_was_on_the_subway_when_someone_sneezed_on_me/
%
How do farmers party?

They *turnip* the *beets*.
:/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/496cuq/how_do_farmers_party/
%
Do you know why donuts have a hole in them?

Because the baker made them with love. ^^^^^also ^^^^^why ^^^^^they're ^^^^^glazed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/496af1/do_you_know_why_donuts_have_a_hole_in_them/
%
How do you organize a space party?

You planet,
i'll leave now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4969ck/how_do_you_organize_a_space_party/
%
I just rolled a joint...

Now my ankle hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49699m/i_just_rolled_a_joint/
%
We had gay burglars the other night.

They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4968vh/we_had_gay_burglars_the_other_night/
%
What do you call a wandering caveman?

A Meanderthal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4968nj/what_do_you_call_a_wandering_caveman/
%
Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund?

Because he wanted to get-a-long-little-doggy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/495vu2/why_did_the_cowboy_buy_a_dachshund/
%
I'm addicted to poverty

If my bank account has money in it I suffer withdrawal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/495v0s/im_addicted_to_poverty/
%
An abacus isn't exciting, but it's reliable.

You can always count on one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/495ued/an_abacus_isnt_exciting_but_its_reliable/
%
The hardest part of measuring Trump's package..

Is sneaking a ruler into Chris Christie's mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/495kpx/the_hardest_part_of_measuring_trumps_package/
%
Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand?

San Diego
(thought of this myself, it's better spoken)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/495khl/where_are_you_when_youre_eating_an_eggo_on_the/
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Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.....

It never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/495jvv/dark_humor_is_like_a_kid_with_cancer/
%
A family walks into a hotel...

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/495j8m/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican?

They steal all the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/495f17/why_cant_you_play_uno_with_a_mexican/
%
Drinking could cause memory loss.

Or even worse, memory loss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/495bz5/drinking_could_cause_memory_loss/
%
How did the drunk Irish man lose 30$?

He bet 10$ on the soccer game and 20$ on the replay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4958j2/how_did_the_drunk_irish_man_lose_30/
%
What are the two biggest differences between an alligator and a crocodile?

The spelling and pronunciation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49575s/what_are_the_two_biggest_differences_between_an/
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Donald Meets The Queen of England!

Together the Queen of England and Donald Trump proceeded to Buckingham Palace in a carriage drawn by six white horses. Regrettably, the rear horse let go of a putrid and lingering fart. The coach stunk like a sewage treatment plant, and the Queen turned to Donald and said: "Mister Trump, please accept my humblest apologies, but there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Donald quickly replied: "Please don't give it a second thought Your Majesty; but I must tell you, I really thought it was one of the horses".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4956ck/donald_meets_the_queen_of_england/
%
Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar

What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4954d8/johnnie_walker_jack_daniels_and_jim_beam_walk/
%
difference between men and women friendships

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/494zrc/difference_between_men_and_women_friendships/
%
For me, girls are like blackjack...

I try to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/494zm8/for_me_girls_are_like_blackjack/
%
Have you heard about the man born with five cocks?

His pants fit him like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/494xyh/have_you_heard_about_the_man_born_with_five_cocks/
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A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I told him that's the last thing I need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/494wou/a_man_tried_to_sell_me_a_coffin_today/
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I think I have to call my doctor.

This election has lasted four hours more than usual, and this dickhead is not going down anytime soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/494vud/i_think_i_have_to_call_my_doctor/
%
It's true, women and children should always be rescued first.

Men deserve to rest in peace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/494sxu/its_true_women_and_children_should_always_be/
%
Jesus' crucifixion was a success...

They totally nailed it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/494sei/jesus_crucifixion_was_a_success/
%
My face is so oily

The US wants to invade it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/494qut/my_face_is_so_oily/
%
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.
Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.
Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly.  I f***ing hate you.  You're also bald.  I hope that you die soon.  When I become president I will make sure to deport ugly and bald people like you."
The entire bar looks in shock.  A news reporter, there at that time, says to a patron of the bar, who originated from the South, "What do you think of this?".
The patron replies "Absolutely f***ing disgusting - Bernie Sanders didn't say Merry Christmas!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/494mkr/bernie_sanders_and_donald_trump_walk_into_a_bar/
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/494dm5/what_did_the_grape_say_when_the_elephant_stepped/
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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4946r5/my_girlfriend_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the/
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What do you call a camel with 3 humps?

Pregnant
Dad joke courtesy of my child

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4946ke/what_do_you_call_a_camel_with_3_humps/
%
My cat is an artist

He drew blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4942h5/my_cat_is_an_artist/
%
A boy is studying for his geography quiz

His mom asks him:
"What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin", says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin."
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin."
"You're so smart, Adolf, I know you'll do great on your quiz."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/493tn3/a_boy_is_studying_for_his_geography_quiz/
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Someone hit someone with a knife between his fingers.

I guess you could say he...Spiked his punch. (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/493nzg/someone_hit_someone_with_a_knife_between_his/
%
I had a friend in a wheelchair but i had to let him go

Now hes going downhill fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/493id0/i_had_a_friend_in_a_wheelchair_but_i_had_to_let/
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It is so cold outside

that  I saw a politician with his hands in his own pocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/493eav/it_is_so_cold_outside/
%
Double negation - joke

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4939pf/double_negation_joke/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills. He asks the bartender what all of that money was for, since there must have been over a thousand dollars in the jar. The bartender says that you can walk away with the whole jar if you complete his challenge: A. Drink an entire bottle of tequila, B. Outside, there is an alligator with a sore tooth, and you have to pull it out, C. Next door is a woman who has never had sex, and you have to bang her.
The man says O.K., puts ten dollars in, downs the bottle of tequila, and stumbles out of the bar. Ten minutes later, he walks back in and says,
"Alright, now where's the woman with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49375h/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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How can you tell if a fencer is a redditor?

By how often he ripostes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4936dg/how_can_you_tell_if_a_fencer_is_a_redditor/
%
What was Hitler's problem when the lights went out?

He could Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49311g/what_was_hitlers_problem_when_the_lights_went_out/
%
Which American President was least guilty?

Abraham Lincoln.
He was in a cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/492yg2/which_american_president_was_least_guilty/
%
Why did the CS major quit his job?

He didn't get arrays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/492yd7/why_did_the_cs_major_quit_his_job/
%
I wanted to invest in Lumber Liquidators...

But wood stock hasn't been viable sincs the 60s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/492xca/i_wanted_to_invest_in_lumber_liquidators/
%
What's the quietest album in the world?

Stephen Hawking - unplugged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/492rfw/whats_the_quietest_album_in_the_world/
%
Coining Money.

George Washington: We should put "We Trust In God" on our money.
Thomas Jefferson: Great idea! Did you get that?
Yoda: Yep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/492pyj/coining_money/
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What do you call a man with his arm up a horses butt?

An Amish mechanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/492ijy/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_his_arm_up_a_horses/
%
I gotta hand it to Stephen Hawking

because he can't catch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/492cm4/i_gotta_hand_it_to_stephen_hawking/
%
I work in a library and a black guy asked me if there are any coloured printers...

I said, "Dude, it's 2016 you can use any printer you want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4928ql/i_work_in_a_library_and_a_black_guy_asked_me_if/
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I quit my job at the helium factory today

I won't stand to be spoke to in that tone of voice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4928qa/i_quit_my_job_at_the_helium_factory_today/
%
Saw some kids building sandcastles on the beach so I ran and jumped on one of them.

Then I wrecked his sandcastle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4927qo/saw_some_kids_building_sandcastles_on_the_beach/
%
Because I'm such a Portal 2 fan, I created my own levels.

Sadly, none of the "volunteers" have made it out alive and their families are starting to ask questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4924uf/because_im_such_a_portal_2_fan_i_created_my_own/
%
How many feminists does it take to screw a lightbulb?

One to screw it in and nine to write on their blogs about how enlightening the experiment was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/491uqf/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_a/
%
Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.

Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.
"What do you want?" he asks.
His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/491qat/two_brothers_live_together_and_one_of_them_makes/
%
What's the difference between an archeologist and an ex girlfriend?

The ancient stuff the archeologist digs up is useful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/491ocg/whats_the_difference_between_an_archeologist_and/
%
Why doesn't Jesus play basketball anymore?

Because he got all crossed up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/491k50/why_doesnt_jesus_play_basketball_anymore/
%
Two Australian construction workers

, Pete and Mick, and working on the top floor a high rise building. Pete says to Mick - "I need to take a piss, but there's no dunny up here". Mick suggests that they extend a plank out over the side of the building, supported by Micks weight and that Pete walk out onto the plank to take a leak. They proceed with Micks plan, but mid piss the lunch bell rings. Mick, forgets his role in the plan and walks off to get lunch leaving the plank unsupported and Pete plummets to his death.
Months later, theres a Frenchman, an American and an Aussie sitting in a bar telling tall stories about just how far their countrymen go to get pussy. The Frenchmn tells his story. The American tells his. But the Aussie says - "thats nothing, a few months ago I was walking down the street following some ladies when this Aussie comes roaring out the sky with his dick in has hand screaming CUUUUUUNNT!!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/491hiw/two_australian_construction_workers/
%
What's the difference between a lesbian and a vacuum cleaner?

One is great with a carpet, the other one sucks my dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/491dbj/whats_the_difference_between_a_lesbian_and_a/
%
Answer one question and you can leave the class...

Teacher: Okay class, whoever can answer a question I'm going to ask, can leave early today.
Johnny quickly throws his bag out the window!
Teacher: Who the hell did that?!
Johnny: I did, can I leave now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4914cs/answer_one_question_and_you_can_leave_the_class/
%
Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it right into the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4910e7/lucky_frog/
%
How long is a Chinaman?

How long IS a chinaman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/490xcy/how_long_is_a_chinaman/
%
Who's your daddy?

A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee
It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked
"I have no job" he replied
"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"
"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended
"And how exactly will he do that then?"
"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity
"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"
"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"
"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"
"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
"What's up friend? You seem troubled"
"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancé"
"Oh man, bad news?"
"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/490sml/whos_your_daddy/
%
"I dropped my toothpaste"...

...he said, crestfallen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/490p2s/i_dropped_my_toothpaste/
%
A man comes home to find his wife in bed with his best friend, he immediately picks up his gun and shoots the wife

He gives the dog a second chance though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/490ndq/a_man_comes_home_to_find_his_wife_in_bed_with_his/
%
Today a woman came into my doctor's office with a sexually transmitted mental illness.

She was fucking crazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/490ggx/today_a_woman_came_into_my_doctors_office_with_a/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a gin and juice. The bartender hands him an apple. The guy asks "What is this? I ordered a gin and juice."
The bartender says take a bite of the apple. The guy takes a bite and it tastes like gin. The bartender tells him to turn it around and it tastes like juice.
The guy is amazed and soon a woman comes in and orders a rum and coke. Again the bartender gives her a apple and tells her to try it.
She takes a bite and it tastes like coke then bites the other half and it takes like rum. She also is amazed at this.
A little while later another guy walks in. The woman and man tell him about the apple. The bartender says he can make the apple taste like anything he wants.
The man says he wants a apple that tastes like pussy.
Bartender hands him the apple and he takes a bite. He spits it out and yells "This tastes like shit!"
The bartender says to him "Turn the apple around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/490b7b/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So a tough guy walks in a bar...

He goes and takes a seat at the middle of the bar.
He says in a stern voice " Everyone to my left is a bunch of sissy's ...and everyone to my right is a bunch of queers "
A flamboyant voice from the back yells " I'm on the wrong side ! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/490a8x/so_a_tough_guy_walks_in_a_bar/
%
Why did the church hire a prostitute?

Her résumé said "missionary position"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4907ss/why_did_the_church_hire_a_prostitute/
%
Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today

Guess I should've prepared whey in advance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4905h6/forgot_to_bring_my_protein_powder_to_the_gym_today/
%
What's 6.9?

A good thing screwed up by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4903r0/whats_69/
%
Just helped a girl give birth...

OP delivered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4902pu/just_helped_a_girl_give_birth/
%
Donald Trump is asked...What is 2+2?

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?
"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2?" And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy but he's like, "10101000101", on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me. Ok? Alright. Thank you."
This was a comment on FB, not my own. But, I felt the need to share!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48zyrn/donald_trump_is_askedwhat_is_22/
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My ex girlfriend is like an archaeologist

...always digging up useless shit from the past

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48zxfa/my_ex_girlfriend_is_like_an_archaeologist/
%
Who's going to lose the upcoming election?

Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48zuyi/whos_going_to_lose_the_upcoming_election/
%
What's the worst thing about being a Jehovah's witness?

Nobody asks, 'who's there?' when you try and tell a knock knock joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ztjq/whats_the_worst_thing_about_being_a_jehovahs/
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Teacher- "what does a chicken give you?"

Students- "Meat!"
Teacher- "Good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Students- "Bacon!"
Teacher- "Great! Now what does a fat cow give you?"
Students- "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48zqbo/teacher_what_does_a_chicken_give_you/
%
My wife asked me if I knew the difference between ignorance and apathy......

I told her I don't know, and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48zpty/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_knew_the_difference_between/
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The Purina Diet

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large  bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog,  which weighs 191 lbs.
I was in the check-out line when a woman  behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had..an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was  starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably  shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a  Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two  every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to  mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no,  I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48zjnv/the_purina_diet/
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What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?

HDMI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48zbet/what_did_yoda_say_when_he_watched_star_wars_on/
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Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48z6vv/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
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A dirty, rotten, son of a bitch goes to Heaven.

A man named Mark ends up getting himself killed. However, he finds himself standing outside the gate of Heaven! Saint Peter stands before Mark and says “Welcome, Mark. We have been waiting for you.”
Now, Mark is confused. He says to Saint Peter, “I got into Heaven? Really? No offense, but I was a dirty, rotten, son of a bitch.”
Saint Peter smiles and says, “It is not my position to question the will of God. Are you ready to come in?”
Mark continues and says, “There has to be some kind of mistake. I was a swindler. I swindled nearly every person I’ve ever met.”
Saint Peter nods and says, “Again, it is not my position to question the will of God.”
Mark continues and says, “I was a murderer! I’ve murdered a couple of people.”
Saint Peter, getting frustrated, says, “I was told to let you in. I didn’t ask why. Not my choice in the matter.”
Mark continues and says, “I was a rapist. I raped people. Are you telling me they let swindling, murdering rapists into Heaven!?”
Saint Peter says to Mark, angrily, “You don’t think we already know all that? Are you coming in or not?”
Mark thinks and says, “I really don’t think I deserve to be here,” to which Saint Peter responds, “Fine! You can go to Hell,” then he snaps his fingers and sends Mark straight to Hell.
Mark finds himself among a crowd. Up on a craggy cliff, Satan appears, and bellows out to the terrified masses below, “Welcome, unrepentant sinners, to eternal damnation… wait a minute, is that Mark? Who the fuck let that dirty, rotten, son of a bitch in!? You ask God for ONE favor-”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48z64k/a_dirty_rotten_son_of_a_bitch_goes_to_heaven/
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An eskimo on holiday in Wales...

His car breaks down.
A Welshman looks under the bonnet and says, "you've blown a seal"
Eskimo says "so what, you fuck sheep"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48z3yb/an_eskimo_on_holiday_in_wales/
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48z3jm/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_off_of_the_boat/
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A man tells his wife "Here's your aspirin, my dear."

Wife: Why are you giving me an aspirin? I don't have a headache.
Man: Gotcha! Let's fuck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48z1zv/a_man_tells_his_wife_heres_your_aspirin_my_dear/
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What do you call alcohol in a bird bath?

Tequila mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48yz0x/what_do_you_call_alcohol_in_a_bird_bath/
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Man: You've brought religion into my life. Woman: Really? How?

Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48yxn1/man_youve_brought_religion_into_my_life_woman/
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Donald Trump was really bragging about how big his penis was last night.

Obama doesn't believe him. He's now calling for the release of his Girth Certificate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48yvpq/donald_trump_was_really_bragging_about_how_big/
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My mum told me this Christmas joke a little late/early today

A little boy goes to visit Santa at the shopping mall. He sits on his lap and Santa says "Hello little boy, I bet I can guess yout name!", he had previously spoke to the boys mum and he says "Your name is T-O-M-M-Y, Tommy!", tapping on the boys nose with every letter of his name. The little boy says "Oh, how did you know that!?"
"I'm santa, I know everything. And I bet I know what you like!"
And the little boy says "What?" And Santa taps on the little boys nose again and says "You like F-I-R-E T-R-U-C-K-S, Fire Trucks"
"Oh wow, how did you know that!?"
"Im Santa, I know everything!"
Then Tommy says "Santa, I know what you like...."
"What do I like little boy?
And Tommy taps on Santas nose and says "You like P-U-S-S-Y, Pussy"
"...... how do you know that?"
And Tommy says "I smelled your fingers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ysj0/my_mum_told_me_this_christmas_joke_a_little/
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What's the worst part about smelling moth balls?

Having to move the moth dick out of the way first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48yqza/whats_the_worst_part_about_smelling_moth_balls/
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How do you piss off a feminist?

Don't worry, she's already pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48yqbx/how_do_you_piss_off_a_feminist/
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Buried Knife Found at O.J.'s Estate

Proof that black knives matter?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ynj1/buried_knife_found_at_ojs_estate/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer.  The second mathematician orders half a beer.  The third mathematician orders a quarter of a beer.  The fourth mathematician orders an eighth of a beer.  Before the next one can speak, the rather annoyed bartender slams two beers down on the bar and says, "You guys really need to learn your limits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48yn9z/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
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3 man go to heaven

They are greeted by an angel. The Angel says to them: „Look guys we only have 1 rule here. Never step on a red cloud." The man are confused ar first but dont think too much of it. After a while the first man accidently steps on a red cloud. Immedeantly the angel comes to him. "Because you stepped on a red cloud you will have to life all eternity with this woman" and handcuffs him and the uglist woman the man ever saw together. After this the 2nd man was very causious but not too long after that he also stepped on a red cloud. Again the Angel comes and handcuffs him with an even uglier woman together. Now the 3rd man was a very smart one. He succesfully avoided the red clouds for over 10 years in heaven. One day the Angel comes to him and handcuffs him with the most beautifull lady he has ever seen. The man asks the lady happily :„ And what did i do to deserve such a wonderfull woman like you?" The Lady answers :„ Ah i stepped on one of these fucking red clouds...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48yldx/3_man_go_to_heaven/
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What do you get when you cross a vegetable with a pronoun?

Beets me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48y5z1/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_vegetable_with_a/
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While traveling in Ireland...

I stopped into an empty bar. The bartender brings me a pint and as I started to drink it he said, "You know I built this bar," he paused, "all by myself, but nobody knows me as Clint the entrepreneur. That beer you're drinking, I brewed it myself. But nobody knows me as Clint, the beer brewer." He points out the window, "See that stone wall? I built that wall with my bare hands, but nobody knows me as, Clint the wall builder." He looks around, "But you fuck one goat."  (borrowed this one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48y3bo/while_traveling_in_ireland/
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What's the difference between feminism and a $100 bill?

A $100 bill makes change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48y1s0/whats_the_difference_between_feminism_and_a_100/
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Trump is asked the answer to 2+2.

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy but he's like, "10101000101", on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me. Ok? Alright. Thank you."
credit: someone on a george takei facebook post
(should this go in /r/funny instead?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48y1j2/trump_is_asked_the_answer_to_22/
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Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to.

I was keeping the umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48xyrx/give_it_to_me_give_it_to_me_she_yelled_im_so_wet/
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The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48xpt2/the_price_of_oil_has_dropped_so_far_that/
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A mainlander is in Newfoundland on vacation...

And he buys a new canoe. He is in Central  Newfoundland driving on the highway and he wants to test out his new canoe but doesn't see any water close by, but he sees a small field where the grass is blowing in the wind and it's sort of wavy and he decided to set the canoe in the field and see how it feels.
At that moment, a Newfie pulls up and gets out of his car and runs to the edge of the road and starts yelling at the mainlander in the canoe.
"You fuckin arsehole, it's mainlanders like you that gives us Newfies a bad name, and if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48xoh9/a_mainlander_is_in_newfoundland_on_vacation/
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I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock....

I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.
I'm here all day..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48xo28/i_was_so_hungry_this_morning_i_almost_ate_a_clock/
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How many stoners does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, the room is already lit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48xk13/how_many_stoners_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election

She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48xi9j/apparently_monica_lewinsky_wont_be_voting_for/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48xgmb/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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Guy comes home from work

and catches his mate shagging his wife so he stabs him to death. His missus says, "fucking carry on like that, you wont have any mates left".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48x0zm/guy_comes_home_from_work/
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What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?

No *ball*room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48wyjc/what_do_skinny_jeans_and_cheap_hotels_have_in/
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What does having kids bring you that money simply can't buy?

Poverty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48wuc3/what_does_having_kids_bring_you_that_money_simply/
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After my grandfather’s funeral...

I scattered his remains all over my back garden.
Which was horrible, because he hadn’t been cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48wthq/after_my_grandfathers_funeral/
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A young woman starts choking on her seafood at a restaurant.

The man behind her says "Stand back! I'm a doctor!" and proceeds to use the Heimlich manoeuvre on her.
A whole small fish shoots out of her mouth and the woman finally gasps in a few breaths.
The doctor picks up the fish and says "What's a plaice like you doing in a girl like this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48wpz8/a_young_woman_starts_choking_on_her_seafood_at_a/
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I bought a muzzle for my pet duck....

Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48wpvl/i_bought_a_muzzle_for_my_pet_duck/
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Circles.

I don't see the point in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48wp87/circles/
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My girlfriend and I could never agree on holidays...

I wanted to fly to exotic places and stay in luxurious five-star hotels. And she wanted to come with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48wnkp/my_girlfriend_and_i_could_never_agree_on_holidays/
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Why should you never date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48wmjz/why_should_you_never_date_a_tennis_player/
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A Girl I Knew in Class was a total Attention Whore

A girl I knew in class was a total attention whore.
Never arrived to class on time and always made sure to make a huge fuss about it.
Didn't talk to her all that much, but I had a few conversations with her.
Her wrists had cuts and burns all over them. She wore t-shirts so she never hid them.
I asked her why she would hurt herself like that.
She said "No one loves me and my life is painful" etc., etc.
"No one loves you? What about your parents or your boyfriend?"
Answer she gave me was something like "They actually don't love me," or some shit like that.
Made a point to not interact with her too much after that, because she's too much of an attention whore.
End of the school year, she came up to me and asked if I wanted to go somewhere with her that Sunday.
I'm not good with these situations, so I couldn't say no, even though I didn't like her.
Sunday came, and we went to one of those tower car parks.
Just as we got to the top, she told me that she wanted me to be here as a witness for her suicide.
"Oh shit," I thought. She was going to jump and was forcing me to watch!
Had I known that she was going to do this, I wouldn't have gone with her.
"Not watching unless you do a flip." I said that to try and shock her into realizing this was stupid.
Complete shock was written all over her face. She thought I'd try and stop her.
"E-eh? You're not going to stop me?"
"No, go on ahead. If you really wanted to live, you'd stop yourself."
After a while, she got off the ledge.
And then she walked up to me and tried to hug me with tears in her eyes, but I told her I loved someone else. She asked me who, and I told her to read the first letter of every line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48wk8v/a_girl_i_knew_in_class_was_a_total_attention_whore/
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Sinking Ship...

A pediatrician, a lawyer, and a priest were on the Titanic while it was going down. The pediatrician said "Save the children!" The lawyer  said "Fuck the children!" To which the priest replied "Do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48whc6/sinking_ship/
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Yesterday 8 mosquitoes bit me!

I guess I now have a mosquito bite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48wd8i/yesterday_8_mosquitoes_bit_me/
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What do you call a drunken Muslim?

Mohammered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48waay/what_do_you_call_a_drunken_muslim/
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Did yo hear about the Hillary special at KFC?

Two fat thighs and a left wing for $2.99

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48w8p9/did_yo_hear_about_the_hillary_special_at_kfc/
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No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48w77h/no_matter_who_wins_the_presidential_election_it/
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What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra?

He grows taller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48w73j/what_happens_when_donald_trump_takes_viagra/
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What do you call a computer that can sing?

A dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48w5dt/what_do_you_call_a_computer_that_can_sing/
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A blind man walks into a bar.

Then a chair. Then a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48w0e0/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What is Hitler's favorite drink?

concentrated jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48vwjd/what_is_hitlers_favorite_drink/
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What do you call Trump and Hillary buried up to their necks in sand?

Progress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48vusd/what_do_you_call_trump_and_hillary_buried_up_to/
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A whale is having a conversation with its son.

Son: "Hey Dad, where did I come from?"
Dad: "From my dick, son"
Son: "Uhhh, thanks?"
Dad: "You're whalecum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48vudi/a_whale_is_having_a_conversation_with_its_son/
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I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?

You have perfect eyesight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48vpyi/i_look_fat_can_you_give_me_a_compliment/
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Whats a sugar free drink's favorite abbreviation?

0mg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48vlkp/whats_a_sugar_free_drinks_favorite_abbreviation/
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What's worse than finding a worm on your apple?

The Holocaust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48vjtk/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_on_your_apple/
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There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.

A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches I'd get it !"
A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it !"
A hunter nearby thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
A mouse watching thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich !"
A cat in hiding thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse !!!"
Suddenly, it all happened:
The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water !!!!!
The Moral Of This Story Is..................
"Every time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48viro/there_was_a_fly_flying_6_inches_above_a_lake/
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What do you call 6.9?

Yet another great time interrupted by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48vi3u/what_do_you_call_69/
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A Pirate's Life

A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?"
"Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48vae4/a_pirates_life/
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A man named Arthur gets in deep with the mob....

So this guy, Arthur, is in some serious debt. He's tried everything he can think of to make some money but can't seem to break even. Out of ideas, he makes contact with the local mob boss, Big Sal and says he'll do Sal's dirty work for some cash. The mob boss agrees and says he needs three rival mobsters "taken care of" as soon as possible. Arthur agrees, reluctantly, and asks how he can find these guys. The mob boss informs Arthur that his target will be at the corner grocery store the next day at noon. He also instructs Arthur to not use any weapons, as they can be messy.
The next day, Arthur sees the three gentlemen outside the grocery store, as Sal predicted they'd be. Arthur, being a large, muscular man, is able to get behind them and, somehow, strangle them all before anyone sees him.
He returns shortly after to Big Sal and informs him that the deed was done. The mob boss, impressed, hands Arthur a single dollar for his payment. Arthur, enraged that he had been cheated into doing something horrible and riddled with guilt, calls the police on himself and Big Sal and informs the authorities about their deal.
The newspaper headline the next day: ARTY CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR AT LOCAL GROCERY STORE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48v4e0/a_man_named_arthur_gets_in_deep_with_the_mob/
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How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes?

Very satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48v3v6/how_does_an_arab_farmer_find_his_goat_in_the_sand/
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Why won't women ever play in the NHL?

Because the periods would take too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48v1g5/why_wont_women_ever_play_in_the_nhl/
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A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church...

The priest says, "Hey hey hey, you're not allowed here."
The Higgs boson says, "But without me, there would be no mass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48uzf2/a_higgs_boson_walks_into_a_catholic_church/
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A guy tells his doctor "I have a good pee every morning at 7..

"And a good bowel movement at 8." Doctor says "OK so what's the trouble?" Man says "I don't get out of bed till 9!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48uybi/a_guy_tells_his_doctor_i_have_a_good_pee_every/
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Worst pick-up line ever.

If you're looking for a stud, I've got the STD all that's missing is U.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48uy8b/worst_pickup_line_ever/
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Why am I scared of french pastry chefs?

They give me the crepes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48uwfu/why_am_i_scared_of_french_pastry_chefs/
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Why won't Monica Lewinsky be voting for Hillary?

Because the last Clinton presidency left a very bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48uw36/why_wont_monica_lewinsky_be_voting_for_hillary/
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-What are you drinking, son?

-Soy milk.
-Hola milk, soy tu padre.
Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48uud0/what_are_you_drinking_son/
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How do Jamaican's end their prayers?

Ey mon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ut74/how_do_jamaicans_end_their_prayers/
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The monster under the bed

A man is upset about his irrational fear that there is a monster under his bed. He decides this needed to change so he starts going to a therapist. After months of therapy, his fear is still there, so he leaves the therapist to find someone who can cure him.
A month later the therapist runs into him and sees that he appears happier than before.
She asks "Did you finally get over your fear of a monster under your bed"
He replies "Yes, and it only took one therapy session too!"
"How?"
"Simple. He just told me to cut off the legs of my bed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48urza/the_monster_under_the_bed/
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What do you call Donald Trump's plane?

Hair force one...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ur4p/what_do_you_call_donald_trumps_plane/
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Woke up 4 times to pee last night

And each time only a little came out, my night of sleep was piss-poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48uocu/woke_up_4_times_to_pee_last_night/
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48unzb/how_does_donald_trump_plan_on_deporting_12/
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Three politicians go to heaven.

No, seriously, it could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48uji2/three_politicians_go_to_heaven/
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I'm voting for Hillary Clinton because...

According to Bill, she doesn't suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48uhqa/im_voting_for_hillary_clinton_because/
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Does anyone know how much a blimp is worth?

I was going to google it, but I was worried it wouldn't account for inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48uf9y/does_anyone_know_how_much_a_blimp_is_worth/
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3 sisters

return home from college with their new boyfriends in tow. One night their mother fancies a glass of water before bed. On her way back she stops in front of the door of each girls room being nosy. At the first door she hears uncontrollable laughter coming from her daughter. She moves to the second door and hears her second daughter yelling and groaning. She moves on to the third door and is surprised to hear nothing.The next morning at breakfast she decides to ask her daughters about the noises. She ask the first why she was laughing. The daughter replies I've always been taught if it tickles to laugh. She ask the second daughter about the yelling and groaning. Her daughter says Ive always been taught if it hurts to yell. She moves on to her last daughter and says how its strange that she didn't hear anything coming from her room. Her daughter replies, "Mom you taught to never speak with my mouth full".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48uck9/3_sisters/
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I always hate going to my Rastafarian friends house

its dreadful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48uci2/i_always_hate_going_to_my_rastafarian_friends/
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Little Johnny...

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even more mad than before.
Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
Teacher: “That’s right Nancy , you may also leave.”
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these b tches would keep their mouths shut!”
The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48u8ko/little_johnny/
%
What do you call a snobby criminal going downstairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48u8bo/what_do_you_call_a_snobby_criminal_going/
%
A lady goes into a jewelry store.....

... and as she bends over to look at a diamond ring she accidentally lets one rip.
Hoping that no one had noticed she motions the salesman over and asks him for the price on the ring.
He looks her square in the eye, grins and said " Lady, if you farted just looking at it then you will shit yourself when I tell you the price

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48u7ad/a_lady_goes_into_a_jewelry_store/
%
A sexist, a racist and a homophobe walk into a bar

Bartender:  'What will it be, Mr Trump?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48u2on/a_sexist_a_racist_and_a_homophobe_walk_into_a_bar/
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Ned vs Ted

Warning: This joke is meant to be told in person to keep friends busy.
On a farm, twin race horses were born, Ned, who was older by 2 minutes, and younger brother Ted. Growing up they trained with each other and pushed each other to be the best they could. The day finally came when they were old enough for their first race.
The announcer addresses the crowd, "Aaandddd they're off. It's Ned, it's Ted, it's Ned, it's Ted, it's Ted, and it's Ned by a nose.
Ted, disappointed by his loss goes out alone and starts training harder than ever not to be outdone by his slightly older brother. When the next race comes Ted is more confident than ever that he is going to win.
**repeat the announcer, it's ned, ted, ned, ted, ned by a nose, and ted training harder and harder as long as you can keep listeners attention**
**When listener becomes annoyed after 65 straight Ned wins**
Finally after a long horse racing career Ned and Ted are out in the pasture reflecting on their careers. Ted says, "man, I thought I was going to get you just one time, but congrats Ned you always were the better racer."
Just then, the farmers old dog comes up to the horses and says "I have to tell you guys, I have been watching you your entire careers and what a pleasure it has been to watch you grow up into successful race horses."
Ned looks at Ted and says "holy shit, a talking dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48tz2o/ned_vs_ted/
%
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48tyvm/the_fbi_had_an_open_position_for_an_assassin/
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What do you call a Children's show with some Alcohol added in?

Booze Clues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48tx5u/what_do_you_call_a_childrens_show_with_some/
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(Risque) Tragedy of the world's unluckiest man: Turkish joke

Once upon a time, there was an unlucky, unlucky man. Wherever he went, his infamous fortune was sure to follow. And on top of that, he had a single lonely testicle.
One day, as the unlucky man was flying transatlantic, his plane began to stall. The pilots decided that someone must be thrown off for the plane to keep flying. They all drew straws. The man got the black one. Protesting, "This is unfair! This must be repeated!", he said before he drew the black straw again.
After this process was repeated multiple times with the same results,  the man proposed desperately: "Ok, I will jump off on one condition. You guess correctly the sum of the testicles I and the guy opposite of me possess and I'll do it.
Everyone laughed. "You must be kidding, it's four", they all said, joyful that this hassle was about to end.
Then the man smiled and said "Joke's on you!", proceeding to whoop out his one ball. Right in time before the other man whooped out his three balls.
PS. Because the languages are incredibly different, telling this joke meant I had to arrange the delivery all by myself. I would appreciate it if you could critique how good the delivery of the joke was, even if you found it unfunny :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48twym/risque_tragedy_of_the_worlds_unluckiest_man/
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Hillary Clinton has become so famous that they started naming footwear after her

They call it the flip flop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48trgr/hillary_clinton_has_become_so_famous_that_they/
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Some things you just can't explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad,what's the big deal?"
"So what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
Some things you just can't explain.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48tq4y/some_things_you_just_cant_explain/
%
Did you hear about the blacksmith that was arrested for creating iron calligraphy?

He was charged with forging signatures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48tnzb/did_you_hear_about_the_blacksmith_that_was/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo on my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48tmrp/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_and_a/
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How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the lightbulb really dead?". Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48tmiq/how_many_trump_supporters_does_it_take_to_change/
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Is BB hungry?

No, BB-8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48tk71/is_bb_hungry/
%
Cracking walnuts

A young boy says to his mother, "Mommy, why would Daddy crack walnuts and feed them to Mrs. Gilroy?" The mother responded, "That's silly, Ryan. Why would you even ask a question like that?" Ryan said, "Because I heard Daddy telling Uncle Eric that he busted a nut in Mrs. Gilroy's mouth and that she was begging for more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48thy7/cracking_walnuts/
%
Did you hear about Freud's party last night?

Id was wild!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48th9u/did_you_hear_about_freuds_party_last_night/
%
How do skeletons reproduce?

They bone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48th87/how_do_skeletons_reproduce/
%
Did you know that West Virginia's state sport is sex?

It's a game the whole family can enjoy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48t424/did_you_know_that_west_virginias_state_sport_is/
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What do Little Miss Muffet and ISIS have in common?

They both have Kurds in their way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48t3na/what_do_little_miss_muffet_and_isis_have_in_common/
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[NSFWish] A boy was walking along the docks one day and came across a pirate ship...

He looked up and admired, in complete amazement, the beauty of the massive ship with all of the details and marks of a real life pirate ship. As if this wasn't enough, the boy then noticed a man sitting by the ship with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye. He went up to the man and asked, teeming with excitement, "Excuse me sir, but is this your ship!?" The old man replied, "Why yes me boy, this be my ship." The boy then followed up with, "So are you a pirate!!??" The man looked at the young boy and replied, "Yes young lad, I am!" Filled with glee, the boy could hardly contain himself. He then asked the pirate, "Sir, if you don't mind me asking, how did you get your peg leg?" The pirate said "Well, we where in a Great War with another ship, battling on the high seas!" The boys eyes filled with excitement. "There were men everywhere and the other ship fired a cannon ball, and it took off me leg when it landed on the ship!". The boy couldn't believe his ears. "Wow that's amazing!" He exclaimed, "How did you get the hook!?". The old man replied, with more enthusiasm while reliving his glory days, "It was another great battle, this time against old Black Beard and his crew of scurvy scoundrels, one of those men cut off me hand with his sword!". The boy was so excited he couldn't believe he met a real life pirate! He said to the man, "Unbelievable! That's so crazy! How did you get your patch eye!?". The old man suddenly grew silent and a look of sadness came over his face, "Well my boy, a seagull shit in me eye." The boy was confused, "What!? I don't understand, how did a bird pooping in your eye do that to you?" The old man look at the boy and replied, "The hook was new!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48t2b7/nsfwish_a_boy_was_walking_along_the_docks_one_day/
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Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car get pulled over.

Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
oldie but goodie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48t0x8/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car_get/
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I hate ingrown hairs...

They really get under my skin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48syo1/i_hate_ingrown_hairs/
%
"A child’s observation"

A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48syar/a_childs_observation/
%
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?

America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48sxql/if_hillary_clinton_and_donald_trump_are_in_a_boat/
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TIFU by eating my coworkers sandwich instead of mine.

oops wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48so48/tifu_by_eating_my_coworkers_sandwich_instead_of/
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It would be rather appropriate to die during sex.

We come *into* this world naked and screaming...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48sjk1/it_would_be_rather_appropriate_to_die_during_sex/
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How many doors are on a chicken coop?

Two. If there were four, it would be a chicken sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48si60/how_many_doors_are_on_a_chicken_coop/
%
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked
if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th
hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He
thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady
again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a
hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked
her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady
sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy
you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a
conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was
in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said, "I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48shv4/a_man_playing_on_a_new_golf_course_got_confused/
%
I was going to write a joke about the pentagon...

But I gave up when I couldn't find the right angle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48scq2/i_was_going_to_write_a_joke_about_the_pentagon/
%
Adolf Hitler once asked the Germans if it was raining in their place

The Germans replied "No, it's hail Hitler"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48saet/adolf_hitler_once_asked_the_germans_if_it_was/
%
Three guys die and go to heaven.

God tells them, "Your vehicle in heaven will be determined based on how well you treated your wife."
The first guy says, "I never cheated on my wife." As such, he gets a Lamborghini.
The second guy says, "I cheated on my wife a little." So he gets a used car.
The third guy says, "I cheated on my wife a lot." So he gets a ~~motorcycle~~ ~~dirtbike~~ ~~bicycle~~ shitty bicycle.
The second and third guys see the first guy crying. They ask, "Why are you crying? You got the best vehicle of all."
The first guy says, "I just saw my wife on rollerskates."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48s69s/three_guys_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
Why are there no coups in the US?

It is the only country without a US embassy.
(heard from a Brazilian friend)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48s4wz/why_are_there_no_coups_in_the_us/
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Breaking news: A helicopter has crash landed into a cemetery in Ireland

The pilots didn't survive, and so far local police have recovered 956 bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48s4up/breaking_news_a_helicopter_has_crash_landed_into/
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Three things in the universe are constant.

The speed of light, gravity, and laundry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48s29e/three_things_in_the_universe_are_constant/
%
"Beatles or Stones?" I asked my son.

"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48rxe1/beatles_or_stones_i_asked_my_son/
%
I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."
He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."
I said, "No."
He said, "You're a woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48rw3y/i_went_to_see_a_therapist/
%
What is the only way to stop Donald Trump?

A Cruz missile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48rrz5/what_is_the_only_way_to_stop_donald_trump/
%
What is DJ Khaled's favorite number?

11
Because it has another 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48rnyw/what_is_dj_khaleds_favorite_number/
%
Crucifixion of Jesus was not an easy task...

... however Romans nailed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48rkqg/crucifixion_of_jesus_was_not_an_easy_task/
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If Donald Trump replaces Barack Obama in the White House

Does that mean that orange is the new black?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48rj2u/if_donald_trump_replaces_barack_obama_in_the/
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When life gives you melons...

...you probably have dislexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48r7l4/when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
A woman and her family are sitting in a nice, upscale restaurant...

A woman and her family are sitting in a nice, upscale restaurant.
Everyone's looking at their menus, when the waiter comes by to get their drink orders.  Each orders their drinks, and as the waiter is walking away, the woman notices a spoon in his chest pocket.
*Hm... That's strange*  She thinks to herself.
She looks around, and notices other waiters and waitresses with spoons in their chest pockets.  Curious, she decides when their waiter comes back by, she'll just ask what that's about.
A few minutes later, he comes back with their drinks.  He proceeds to take their appetizer and main dish orders.  As he's about to leave, the women motions for him.
"Yes m'am?" he asks, leaning forward.
She asks, "I noticed that every single member of the waitstaff have a spoon in their pockets..."  She pointed to his.  "What's with the spoon?"
He smiles, and explains that their restaurant had ran through several studies to ensure that the waitstaff is the most efficient they can be, saving the customers and restuarant time and money.  One of the topics dealt with dropped silverwear.  The most commonly dropped piece is the spoon, since it is placed right next to the knife, and usually used last, it tends to get knocked off the table most often.  With that, it saves time and money for the waitstaff to have the spoon ready in-hand to hand to the customer.
She smiles and thanks him for the explanation, and just as she was reaching for her knife to butter her dinner roll, she just so happened to knock the spoon off the table.  Without missing a beat, the waiter hands her the spoon from his pocket with a smile.  She thanks him, smiling again.
As he walks away, however, she notices something new.  There was a string hanging from the waiter's fly!
*How odd...*  She began looking around again, curiously.
She noticed all the male waitstaff had a string hanging from their pant flys as well.
She decides it may be another strange way to save money, but will ask later.
After dinner, everyone is served apple pie al la mode, and is just finishing up, when the waiter comes back by.  The woman calls him over again.  She asks about the string, pointing somewhat discreetly to it.
He laughs, and begins explaining that another part of the study dealt with cleanliness, and saving time and money at the same time.  He explained that when the men go to the bathroom, in order to save time and money from washing their hands, they could just unzip their flys and pull on the string, which would pull their penis out and allow them to urinate, all without laying a finger or palm on their privates.
She blushed, laughing.  "How odd, but it must be true!  You all have been so quick to serve and everything!"  The waiter smiled, laughing.  Then he noticed a perplexed look on her face.
She stared for a second, thinking.  "Wait, so, if you pull it out using the string, how do you... y'know... get it back in?"
The waiter looked around the room, and leaned in to the table.
"Personally, I use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48r31e/a_woman_and_her_family_are_sitting_in_a_nice/
%
My dad has the heart of a lion,

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48r20y/my_dad_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
[NSFW] Urban Dictionary word example

Tony: "Bro, I rage fucked Taylor last night!"
Frankie: "What!? She ha......"
Tony: "Hell ya! It was awesome. I took all my anger out on her! Felt so good!"
Frankie: "But she ha......"
Tony: "Best day of my life! Wait sorry I interrupted you again. What were you going to say?"
Frankie: "She has HIV."
......
Tony: "Well now she has HIV and Chlamydia."
Frankie: "SHIT YEAH!"
~FIN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48r10e/nsfw_urban_dictionary_word_example/
%
A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.
The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in intercourse, but unfortunately the zoo couldn't afford to import a male gorilla just for her to have sex.
Giving his funding situation, he goes up to the janitor and asks him "Hey, for $500, would you have sex with this gorilla?"
The janitor thought about it for a minute, and then replied "Sure, on three conditions. First condition, I don't want to kiss her."
"Okay sure! I wouldn't expect you to!"
The janitor then stated "Second condition. I don't want anyone knowing about this ordeal."
"Sure, fine! Not a problem! What's your third condition?"
Janitor said "Give me at least 2 weeks to come up with the $500"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48qtpr/a_zookeeper_notices_his_prize_gorilla_was_getting/
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I have only two requests for when I die. #1. I want my remains scattered around Wrigley Field.

\#2. I don't want to be cremated first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48qs8r/i_have_only_two_requests_for_when_i_die_1_i_want/
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My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels.

I think he took a fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48qqhb/my_friend_hasnt_spoken_to_me_since_i_accused_him/
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Ever hear about the box that was coming down with something?

It was coffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48qpzh/ever_hear_about_the_box_that_was_coming_down_with/
%
Yesterday I farted in an apple store and everyone got mad at me

Not my fault that they don't have windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48qpri/yesterday_i_farted_in_an_apple_store_and_everyone/
%
My dog had a tick once,

Someone recommended i try the "lighter fluid and match" trick, it definitely worked as my dog never got a tick again. But man, I sure do miss my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48qm00/my_dog_had_a_tick_once/
%
What disorder will Spiderman get as he ages?

Peter Parkinsons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48qlqc/what_disorder_will_spiderman_get_as_he_ages/
%
What do you say when your lesbian daughter brings home her girlfriend?

"Are you going to be staying for dinner or eating out?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48qk95/what_do_you_say_when_your_lesbian_daughter_brings/
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:	Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following.  The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable.  Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation.  Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
-------------------------------
(source: /usr/bin/fortune )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48qi6c/q_how_many_lawyers_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Did you hear that Microsoft is giving away Office to parents?

Word to your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48q75w/did_you_hear_that_microsoft_is_giving_away_office/
%
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?

A flightoplankton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48q4ri/what_do_you_call_a_jellyfish_on_a_plane/
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When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48pzpa/when_my_girlfriend_said_she_was_leaving_because/
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What did cinderella do when she got to the ball?

choked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48pz4v/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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What's the best part about dating a Muslim

The sex is explosive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48pyis/whats_the_best_part_about_dating_a_muslim/
%
What is the most popular candy in Rwanda?

Tutsi roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48pwaz/what_is_the_most_popular_candy_in_rwanda/
%
What did the Pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48pu0u/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
What did the leper tell the prostitute?

You can keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48psyz/what_did_the_leper_tell_the_prostitute/
%
Osama Bin Laden, Josef Stalin and Hitler are robbing a bank, who do the cops shoot first?

A black guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48pjcx/osama_bin_laden_josef_stalin_and_hitler_are/
%
2016: Surely Donald Trump won't win

2017: He can't do that... right?
2018: I hope my district wins the Hunger Games!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48pefr/2016_surely_donald_trump_wont_win/
%
A man goes to visit a frog in the woods

The man knows the frog loves reading, so he brings him a variety of literature.  He finds the frog hanging out by a pond and presents him with classics, comedy, and nonfiction, but the frog shakes his head at each book one by one.
Finally the man, exasperated, says, "I don't understand! You used to love reading.  Why don't you have an interest in books anymore?"
The frog holds up a smartphone and replies,
"Reddit.
Reddit.
Reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48pd9q/a_man_goes_to_visit_a_frog_in_the_woods/
%
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48pagd/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
%
A woman got breast implants made of wood...

It would be funny if this joke had a punch line...
wooden tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48pagb/a_woman_got_breast_implants_made_of_wood/
%
A survey was held on what citizens of the United Kingdom thought of the new DOOM game...

The overwhelming response was "bloody hell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48p8qf/a_survey_was_held_on_what_citizens_of_the_united/
%
A school finally decided it's ok to show their students a documentary about menstrual cycles.

It was about bloody time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48p7qg/a_school_finally_decided_its_ok_to_show_their/
%
Why Eiffel Tower is so high?

So the white flag can be visible from Berlin.
Sorry :P .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48p60b/why_eiffel_tower_is_so_high/
%
An old German man goes to confession..

He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."
The priest said, "But that's not a sin! I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you!"
"But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed."
The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don't worry about it too much; God forgives."
The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48oqkl/an_old_german_man_goes_to_confession/
%
The Wagerer

A guy walks into a bar, is seen by the bartender wandering from table to table, occasionally making them laugh, occasionally getting a scowl and pocketing a few dollars. Finally, he makes his way to the bar and sits down. "Whats all that about?" asks the barkeep
"Oh, I'm a professional wagerer" he replies, further explaining that he has a number of various stupid human tricks he can do, and is pretty adept at accomplishing things suggested by others, for bets.
"Really?" says the barkeep. "Bet you 5 bucks you can't throw this cherry into a lowball glass from 10 feet"
"You're on" says the wagerer. They shake, he grabs a cherry and a lowball glass, and sinks the shot his first attempt.
"I wanna warn you", he says, pocketing the 5spot the bartender slapped on the counter, "I am VERY coordinated".
"Okay", says the barkeep, looking down at a regular sitting on the other side of the bar, a woman he knew to be as butch as they come, and not afraid to punch a man. "Bet you 50 bucks you can't get her phone number"
The professional wagerer glances down at her, looks back at the barkeep, and says "... 20 bucks, I'm a little skeptical of my odds with a woman with a shaved head".
"Deal" says the bartender, watching the wagerer walk over, engage in polite conversation with her for awhile. He watches him do a couple stupid bar tricks, pull a card from behind her ear, and put the charm on hard. He was over there for a good 10 minutes before the wagerer threw up his hands and eventually made his way back to his seat.
"Well, you've got me. I couldn't get her number, here's your 20" he said, slapping it on the table. Smiling, the bartender pocketed the cash, and went to fill an order.
"Wait, I have a wager for you" said the man, grinning ear to ear. "I bet you $300"... he said, counting out crisp twenties and laying them across the bar, "that I can piss exactly 1 shot into 3 shot glasses, while standing on this barstool, while being slowly spun around, without splashing a drop". He held his finger to his chin, in thought, and quickly added "Blindfolded".
The bartender looked carefully at the money, and thought it over. Surely there was no way that was possible, he thought, and after deliberation, replied "You've got yourself a deal."
"Okay," said the wagerer. "I'm gonna need you to help me though. Stand to the side of me here, while I hop on the chair, and spin me around while I piss, okay?"
The bartender quickly set three shot glasses on the counter, and walked to the other side of the bar, while the wagerer wrapped a handkerchief around his eyes, grabbed his cock in his left hand, held out his right  hand to stabilize himself, and told the bartender to spin him. He took a few seconds to stabilize himself, as he spun, and loudly declared "HERE I GO!"
He started pissing, and his bladder was clearly full. He started pissing on the floor, then the chair, then the bar, then the chairs, then across the face of the bartender, then again on the chairs. Piss was flying everywhere except for perhaps three or four drops that landed in the shot glasses. After he finished, and shook his cock dry, he lifted one side of the hankie from his eye and said "Well fuck, guess I lost that one."
Grinning ear to ear, and wiping the  piss from himself, the bartender started laughing, uproariously, at the idiotic bet the wagerer made. He walked over to the counter to collect his money, smiling, and turned to see something he didn't expect. The butch girl from the other side of the bar was walking over, slapped the wagerer, and started counting out hundreds from her rhinestone wallet, slapping them unceremoniously into the hands of the betting man.
"What's got you so worked up, Liz?" the bartender asked her, still counting out his money.
"This fucker put the moves on me for a little while before I told him we bat for the same team, then he made a bet with me for a grand that he could, within half an hour, piss all over your face and bar and get you to laugh about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48oqct/the_wagerer/
%
What's the difference between God and Donald Trump?

God doesn't think he's Donald Trump.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48opam/whats_the_difference_between_god_and_donald_trump/
%
Why Wasn't Jesus born in Italy?

They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ooyp/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_italy/
%
What's a gay guy's favorite news station?

The BBC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ojdu/whats_a_gay_guys_favorite_news_station/
%
What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48o784/what_did_the_doctor_tell_the_panda_bear_after_the/
%
90% of her body

A woman in a bikini reveals
about 90% of her body.... and
yet most men are so polite they
only look at the covered parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48o6f4/90_of_her_body/
%
How did Hitler originally get into power?

"Let's make Germany great again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48o2o8/how_did_hitler_originally_get_into_power/
%
Donald Trump admitted today that he contracted an STD.

He has hairpiece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48nshn/donald_trump_admitted_today_that_he_contracted_an/
%
Browsing this sub is like mining in a cave

Full of bat shit and I mostly get the same things over again, but it's worth the occasional gold I find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48nj7a/browsing_this_sub_is_like_mining_in_a_cave/
%
What is a pirate's favorite letter

A letter of marque and reprisal, which granted treatment as a prisoner of war if captured, provided the former pirate turn over a proportion of his prizes to the issuing government. Used as a convenient way for otherwise underprepared belligerent nations to expand their navies in times of war, letters of marque and reprisal were finally renounced in 1856, long after the golden age of piracy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48nj45/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
Every time I get an AIDS test, I'm convinced it's going to come back positive

And every time I'm right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ninn/every_time_i_get_an_aids_test_im_convinced_its/
%
Out having dinner with friends. One of my friends mentioned the clothes I had on was gay...

I told him, "yes, they came out the closet this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ngpm/out_having_dinner_with_friends_one_of_my_friends/
%
What do you call a special needs sheep that got turned into a blanket?

A down comforter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48nf0u/what_do_you_call_a_special_needs_sheep_that_got/
%
BREAKING NEWS

Ne ws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48n9n5/breaking_news/
%
What do you call an original joke on this subreddit?

Rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48n970/what_do_you_call_an_original_joke_on_this/
%
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar.

Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says, “The media are really tearing you apart for that scandal.”
Hillary: “You mean my lying about Benghazi?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the massive voter fraud?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Using my secret private server with classified material tohide my activities?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, hiring cronies,and taking bribes from foreign countries?"
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the drones being operated in our own country without the benefit of the law?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward itdeclared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity deals?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “Turning Libya into chaos?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “Turning our backs on Israel?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “The joke Iran Nuke deal?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “Leaving Iraq in chaos? ”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance executives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later theydeclared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens’ ?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Threats to all of Bill’s former mistresses to keep them quiet”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I’ve got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and china when Bill left Office?”
Trump: “THAT’S IT! I almost forgot about that one”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48n8sr/donald_trump_and_hillary_clinton_are_in_a_bar/
%
US has serious problem with illegal immigrants.

If you don’t believe me ask any Native American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48n8q0/us_has_serious_problem_with_illegal_immigrants/
%
Let's get a beer

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48mxj1/lets_get_a_beer/
%
If A Democrat Wins, I'm Leaving,

If a Republican wins, I'm also leaving.
This has nothing to do with politics.
I just really want to travel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48munk/if_a_democrat_wins_im_leaving/
%
"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Really? You're joking, right?" I asked my dad.
"No I'm not", he said. "Pack your bags , they're going to be picking you up in an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48mtdy/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
%
Who was the least funny U.S. President?

FDR.  His standup could use some work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48msxq/who_was_the_least_funny_us_president/
%
What would Steve Harvey change his name to if he suddenly became bulimic?

Heave Starvey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ms3b/what_would_steve_harvey_change_his_name_to_if_he/
%
Why was six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. He can seldom close his eyes without opening them again at fear of Charlies lurking in the jungle trees. Not that you could ever see the bastards, mind you. They were swift, and they knew their way around the jungle like nothing else. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces as he walked into that village and... oh, Jesus. The memories seldom left him, either. Sometimes he'd reminisce - even hear - Tex's southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes like nothing else. He always kept a pack of Lucky's with him. The boys are gone, now. He knows that; it's just that he forgets, sometimes. And, every now and then, the way that seven looks at him with avid concern in his eyes... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. Makes him feel like he's back there... in the jungle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48mphm/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
How many IT techs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ticket closed: Forwarded to facilities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48mp5l/how_many_it_techs_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What did the cat use to sharpen its claws?

Me. Ow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48moqk/what_did_the_cat_use_to_sharpen_its_claws/
%
Sorry we don't serve time travelers here

Two time travelers walk into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48mmxx/sorry_we_dont_serve_time_travelers_here/
%
What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States?

We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48mb6g/whats_one_advantage_of_electing_a_woman_president/
%
TIL that I'm dyslexic.

Whoops, wrong bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48mb49/til_that_im_dyslexic/
%
How does Donald Drumpf change a lightbulb?

He doesn't. He hires people with long fingers to do it for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ma9s/how_does_donald_drumpf_change_a_lightbulb/
%
What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48m7db/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
What did the envelope say to the stamp?

Stick with me and we'll go places!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48m5v8/what_did_the_envelope_say_to_the_stamp/
%
If your cup is half full...

You probably need a different bra.
P.S. I don't know if this counts as a joke, so sorry in advance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48m41i/if_your_cup_is_half_full/
%
What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am
We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:
1. Illegal Downloading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48m1su/what_is_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
What do you call a blowjob from a ginger?

Redhead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48m0s8/what_do_you_call_a_blowjob_from_a_ginger/
%
Hey guys, I invented a new word!

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48lziv/hey_guys_i_invented_a_new_word/
%
What's Hitler's favorite video game?

Mein Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48lrhd/whats_hitlers_favorite_video_game/
%
I was diagnosed with colour blindness yesterday.

The news came out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48lrf9/i_was_diagnosed_with_colour_blindness_yesterday/
%
Last night, I was laying in my bed, looking up the stars as I thought to my self..

Where the fuck is my roof??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48lplz/last_night_i_was_laying_in_my_bed_looking_up_the/
%
Why can’t a bike stand on its own?

Because it’s two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48lnbg/why_cant_a_bike_stand_on_its_own/
%
I almost had a threesome last night...

Just needed two more people.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48lhlx/i_almost_had_a_threesome_last_night/
%
What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?

Logger-rhythms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48lg7p/what_mathematical_operation_is_used_to_calculate/
%
We should move to a herb based fuel economy

We can finally make the trains run on thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48lg4r/we_should_move_to_a_herb_based_fuel_economy/
%
Poe, is your baby hungry?

Poe: Nah, BB-8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48lc77/poe_is_your_baby_hungry/
%
How does Ice-Cube drink his milk?

Straight Outta Carton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48l6dg/how_does_icecube_drink_his_milk/
%
What keyboard shortcut do the elderly have the most trouble with?

Ctrl+P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48l4m2/what_keyboard_shortcut_do_the_elderly_have_the/
%
What do you find inside a clean nose?

Fingerprints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48l486/what_do_you_find_inside_a_clean_nose/
%
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

because they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48l21b/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
If your soviet girlfriend wants to take it slow

Don't Russia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48kzx8/if_your_soviet_girlfriend_wants_to_take_it_slow/
%
What are the two things someone with a face tattoo never hears?

"You're hired"
"Not guilty"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ktnj/what_are_the_two_things_someone_with_a_face/
%
Friendship is like peeing your pants.

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48kt9y/friendship_is_like_peeing_your_pants/
%
My fiancé said the funniest thing out of context today.

Lewis and Clark were so starved on their  exploration, Sacajawea had a hard time understanding why they didn't eat Seaman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48kr30/my_fiancé_said_the_funniest_thing_out_of_context/
%
What do Kanye West and North Korea have in common?

They are both being screwed by a person named Kim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48kojw/what_do_kanye_west_and_north_korea_have_in_common/
%
So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48klnu/so_the_american_peoples_choices_for_president/
%
Two goldfish are in a tank...

One said, "you man the guns, and I'll drive".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48kjiv/two_goldfish_are_in_a_tank/
%
How many Frenchmen does it take to guard Paris?

No one knows, it's never been done before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48kijm/how_many_frenchmen_does_it_take_to_guard_paris/
%
What's the difference between Jeb Bush and my toilet?

My toilet is still running.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48khhn/whats_the_difference_between_jeb_bush_and_my/
%
Do you want to know why I dropped out of Communism class?

I had bad marx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48kcbz/do_you_want_to_know_why_i_dropped_out_of/
%
What do you call a milkman in high heels?

Dairy Queen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48kb7i/what_do_you_call_a_milkman_in_high_heels/
%
Don't you just hate those guys who show up at your door and tell you that you need to be saved or you'll burn?

Fucking firemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48k94q/dont_you_just_hate_those_guys_who_show_up_at_your/
%
What's the difference between me and a cardboard box?

A cardboard box isn't always empty on the inside.
:(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48k7tx/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_cardboard/
%
If Donald trump takes over the presidency after Obama

I guess you could say orange really is the new black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48k7h0/if_donald_trump_takes_over_the_presidency_after/
%
How come Adele can call her ex 1,000 times and get a million dollars....

But when I do it, the Police show up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48jx1q/how_come_adele_can_call_her_ex_1000_times_and_get/
%
When I started doing stand-up, I didn't have a lot of my own material, so I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes

I still do, but I used to too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48jx10/when_i_started_doing_standup_i_didnt_have_a_lot/
%
Why is Donald Trump still running for president?

It's the only race that he hasn't offended yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48jqur/why_is_donald_trump_still_running_for_president/
%
What do you call a Cult that is hard to get into?

Difficult

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48jqe6/what_do_you_call_a_cult_that_is_hard_to_get_into/
%
What's a communist's favorite gun brand?

A maoser

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48jnaa/whats_a_communists_favorite_gun_brand/
%
I tried to get my mom to switch from AMD to Intel...

...but I couldn't Celeron it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48jewi/i_tried_to_get_my_mom_to_switch_from_amd_to_intel/
%
How hard is it to find cigarettes?

Because my dad has been gone for 13 years looking for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48j43s/how_hard_is_it_to_find_cigarettes/
%
What do you call Justin Bieber's singing?

Canada Dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48j3iu/what_do_you_call_justin_biebers_singing/
%
Whats a rednecks favorite thing to do on Halloween?

Pump Kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48iwc6/whats_a_rednecks_favorite_thing_to_do_on_halloween/
%
A joke my mom heard a priest tell in church today: An elderly couple to decide to live a little and go to McDonald's...

When they order the food, the old man divides the fries in half and splits the burger in two. Some students see this and offer to buy some more food so that they can both eat a whole sandwich. "No, no, that's fine," says the old man, "We share everything."
So the old man starts eating his half-burger and his half-order of fries-- but his wife is sitting there, not eating her share of the food. One of the students notices this, and asks why she isn't touching her food; was something wrong?
"Oh no, it's fine," replied the old woman.
"I'm just waiting for my turn with the dentures."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ipjp/a_joke_my_mom_heard_a_priest_tell_in_church_today/
%
I'm adopted and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me.

But why everyday?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48iid6/im_adopted_and_im_glad_my_parents_were_at_least/
%
Gravity walks into a bar in space

And shit goes **down**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48igbj/gravity_walks_into_a_bar_in_space/
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How does one think the unthinkable?

With an iethberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ig9v/how_does_one_think_the_unthinkable/
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Everyone always talks about how great Jesus was...

...because he fed 5000 people with a couple fish and five loaves of bread. But no one ever talks about Hitler. He made 6 million Jews toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ieqd/everyone_always_talks_about_how_great_jesus_was/
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What is Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48i8p7/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_nation/
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I just asked Siri "Surely it's not going to rain today?". Siri replied "It is, and don't call me Shirley."

I forgot to take my phone off airplane mode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48i1aj/i_just_asked_siri_surely_its_not_going_to_rain/
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An office worker opened his pay envelope to find

his check was short $100. He called the accounting department to voice his complaint.
"You're right, we made a mistake," said the clerk, "but last week we overpaid you $100 and we didn't hear you complaining then."
"Look," said the man, "I can overlook one mistake. But two weeks in a row?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48i14y/an_office_worker_opened_his_pay_envelope_to_find/
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Rumour has it Toy Story 4 is going to focus on Andy's mom's toys

Coincidentally, they are also called Woody and Buzz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48hzg9/rumour_has_it_toy_story_4_is_going_to_focus_on/
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Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?

Because for them, it is a Wurst-Käse scenario.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48hy9w/why_do_germans_fear_hotdogs_with_cheese/
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I love being a pessimist.

I’m either always right or pleasantly surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48hwkz/i_love_being_a_pessimist/
%
So this Pharaoh was making a dinner reservation...

Tutankhamen- I'd like to make a reservation for dinner, it's a special occasion. Name, Tutankhamen.
Restaurant Host- Oh, nice, who will you be dining with?
Tutankhamen- Oh my wife, also my sister and step-mother.
Restaurant Host- Ok, I'll put you in for a table for four, near the grotto.
Tutankhamen- Four? I'm just bringing Ankhesenamun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48hpj4/so_this_pharaoh_was_making_a_dinner_reservation/
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A Clock wrote a book

Critics say its about time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48hp57/a_clock_wrote_a_book/
%
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, that's a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48hg4u/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48hd0j/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key..

Stayed stationary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48hcmo/i_made_a_car_entirely_out_of_pencils_rubbers/
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What do you call a German barber?

Herr Kutz
(This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48hafc/what_do_you_call_a_german_barber/
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What is a tragedy?

During one of his campaign trips Donald Trump is visiting an elementary school and goes into one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word “Tragedy.”  So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted businessman. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.  Mr. Trump searches the room.
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room, a boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaims Mr. Trump, “That’s absolutely right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48h7xu/what_is_a_tragedy/
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Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48h7q3/husband_honey_why_are_there_broken_condoms_on_the/
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What's black, white and red all over?

An interracial home abortion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48h6nf/whats_black_white_and_red_all_over/
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Stupid one liners everyone should know

I'll start: I recently sold my vaccum. It was just collecting dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48h4mp/stupid_one_liners_everyone_should_know/
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Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48h1j2/did_you_hear_about_the_pessimist_who_hates_sausage/
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What is very big, gray, and just doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48gxvg/what_is_very_big_gray_and_just_doesnt_matter/
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Why is Divorce so Expensive?

Because it's worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48gi6x/why_is_divorce_so_expensive/
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What does a lingerie store and a guitar store have in common?

They both sell G-strings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48gh6h/what_does_a_lingerie_store_and_a_guitar_store/
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I like my women like my coffee...

...really hot, and all over my crotch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ggjc/i_like_my_women_like_my_coffee/
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Hey guys quick question, can you put a pin back in a grenade?

Gonna need a fast answer for this one...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48fy92/hey_guys_quick_question_can_you_put_a_pin_back_in/
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A beggar once asked me, "Any change?"

I said, "Nope. You're still broke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48fuob/a_beggar_once_asked_me_any_change/
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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing.

The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"
The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"
The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"
The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"
The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"
The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!"
The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED sex!"
The Italian man says "That may be true, but we introduced it to women."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48fu7u/an_old_greek_man_and_an_old_italian_man_are/
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What looks like red paint but is dry?

Dried red paint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48fqx1/what_looks_like_red_paint_but_is_dry/
%
A guy walks into a bar

-- and sustains a mild concussion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48fpgw/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do vegetarians masturbate to?

Quornography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48fmcs/what_do_vegetarians_masturbate_to/
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How did realism get me banned from Facebook?

I sided with cancer on the "Kids VS Cancer" page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48flma/how_did_realism_get_me_banned_from_facebook/
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Every day Sunny Leone creates history

...
Then
we have to
go to
Settings
and
delete that
History.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48flk0/every_day_sunny_leone_creates_history/
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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $3.99 and deer nuts are under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48fb37/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
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What do you call it when a Spanish man goes to court for custody of his children?

Fight for your right to padre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48fars/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_spanish_man_goes_to/
%
Jeb Bush told a joke.

Please laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48fa57/jeb_bush_told_a_joke/
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What do you call a polygon on viagra?

An Erectangle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48f806/what_do_you_call_a_polygon_on_viagra/
%
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48f7ht/i_was_telling_a_girl_in_the_pub_about_my_ability/
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What different people think, when faced with a glass of water:

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Engineer: The glass is two times larger than it needs to be.
Realist: The glass is half filled.
Therapist: I think that the glass should be viewed via various viewpoints.
Critic: The glass is fucking ugly.
Hipster: Wasn't this water obtained from a river? Too mainstream.
Feminist: The "glass is half full" vs "glass is half empty" debate is just another way, of men trying to overpower women. The fact that I have to answer a question from a male, and then have myself judged and labelled as something, dependant from my answer, is misogyny. Oh, and by the way, I was once raped by a glass that was filled 50% with water, so thanks for triggering my PTSD.
Opportunist: While you guys were arguing about the glass, I drank it!
Sadist: I poisoned it.
Masochist: I'm thirsty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48f6vi/what_different_people_think_when_faced_with_a/
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Gates of Heaven

One night Dolly Parton and Princess Diana were playing a Poker game when both of them spontaneous combust, and died. Both are sent up to the gates of Heaven and put in front of God.
God says, "For either of you to get into heaven, you must tell me something about you that qualifies you to enter the gates."
Dolly steps up first saying, "Well God, I have these enormous breasts the world has appreciated throughout my career."
God retorts with, "I'm sorry, but that does not allow you to enter."
Princess Diana comes up to God and says, "Well God, at least once a day I would douche my vagina."
God responds, "Very well Diana, you may enter into heaven."
Stunned, Dolly asks, "Why was she allowed to enter for douching once a day and my breasts don't allow me to enter Heaven?"
God responds, "Come on Dolly, everyone knows a royal flush beats a great pair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48f0mz/gates_of_heaven/
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What do you call a deaf Gynocologist?

A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ewy3/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynocologist/
%
A blonde goes to a mechanic to ask about fixing dents in her car

She asks the mechanic
"How can I fix the dents myself as I have no money to pay for the repairs."
The Mechanic being a funny guy responds
"Just blow into the exhaust pipe as hard as you can and the dents will disappear".
So the blonde goes home and starts blowing into the exhaust pipe. Another blonde is walking by and asks what she is doing.
"Getting rid of the dents by blowing into the exhaust. All the air will go inside the car and pop out the dents."
"You're stupid that's not how to fix dents." Responds the other blonde. "You gotta close the windows first so all the air doesn't escape."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ek9h/a_blonde_goes_to_a_mechanic_to_ask_about_fixing/
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How much wood does a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck chuck could chuck wood?

None because only beavers give a dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ej05/how_much_wood_does_a_woodchuck_chuck_if_a/
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Pheidippides just doesn't have the same ring to it.

When Pheidippides, the soldier who ran 26.2 miles to the city of Marathon to announce the defeat of the Persians to the Athenians, found out the long-distance races were going to be called Marathons, he was a little upset...
But he ran with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48eixw/pheidippides_just_doesnt_have_the_same_ring_to_it/
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Why couldn't the potato get off the couch?

Because it was baked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48eimz/why_couldnt_the_potato_get_off_the_couch/
%
A cowboy goes into a shop to buy condoms

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ef3c/a_cowboy_goes_into_a_shop_to_buy_condoms/
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I'd rather vote for Monica Lewinsky than Hillary Clinton...

...because at least a little bit of Bill rubbed off on Monica!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ee07/id_rather_vote_for_monica_lewinsky_than_hillary/
%
I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing

on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48edan/i_went_to_the_pub_last_night_and_saw_a_fat_chick/
%
All Trump has to say to beat Hillary in the debates

"I know Hillary can be bought. I have the receipts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48e9ue/all_trump_has_to_say_to_beat_hillary_in_the/
%
Three friends at the bar...

- The first: "You know... my wife wants two children after seeing Hansel and Gretel"
- The second: "My wife instead wants seven children after seeing Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs"
- The third: "Umh I have to go, my wife is watching 101 Dalmatians".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48e1o1/three_friends_at_the_bar/
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I submitted 10 puns to a joke contest to see if any would win.

No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48dxx0/i_submitted_10_puns_to_a_joke_contest_to_see_if/
%
I haven't talked to my wife for 18 months

I don't like to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48dxah/i_havent_talked_to_my_wife_for_18_months/
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My Ex-Wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!
It's funny because marriage is terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48dpua/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
%
Why do shoes get sad...

Why do shoes get sad when they lose their matching shoe?
Because they lost their solemate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48do7e/why_do_shoes_get_sad/
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What do you get when David Lynch directs a remake of The Godfather?

Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48dj60/what_do_you_get_when_david_lynch_directs_a_remake/
%
What do you call a Communist sniper?

A Marxman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48dgl4/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/
%
What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48dfle/what_kind_of_tea_is_hard_to_swallow/
%
My friend is obsessed with navy destroyers

He warships them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ddua/my_friend_is_obsessed_with_navy_destroyers/
%
I was making out with a man from Australia last night...

... on his bed. After a few minutes he stopped and said 'have you ever heard of an Australian kiss?'
'Nope, what's that?' I asked
'Well,' he said 'it's like a French kiss, but down under'
(This did actually happen last night)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48dcpl/i_was_making_out_with_a_man_from_australia_last/
%
I hate it when kids spell "angel" as "angle"

They're just trying to be edgy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48d1x5/i_hate_it_when_kids_spell_angel_as_angle/
%
I hate those stupid Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48cym9/i_hate_those_stupid_russian_dolls/
%
Why do people prefer shooting stars to vegetables?

Because they're meteor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48cygv/why_do_people_prefer_shooting_stars_to_vegetables/
%
What is the biggest gender on Tumblr?

Whale-Kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48crs0/what_is_the_biggest_gender_on_tumblr/
%
Which is the month in which women talk the least?

February... because it has the least number of days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48cqz7/which_is_the_month_in_which_women_talk_the_least/
%
If a parsley farmer is sued...

can they garnish his wages?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48cluk/if_a_parsley_farmer_is_sued/
%
I recently got fired from a calender factory

All i did was take a day off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48cjjh/i_recently_got_fired_from_a_calender_factory/
%
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending (duh dun dun chh)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48cige/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_going_down/
%
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in South Carolina?

Cause if it was invented anywhere else it'd be called a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48cf66/how_do_you_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
%
Guy goes to the doctor

He tells the doctor: Doctor Doctor, I have trouble seeing objects at a distance. The doctor pulls up the blind and points out of the window and up: what do you make of that?
The patient: Easy one. That's the sun.
Doctor: Well how fucking far do you want to see?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48c77o/guy_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "but that would make no sense at all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48c5dc/a_dog_went_to_a_telegram_office_took_out_a_blank/
%
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48c57x/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
%
I Thought having a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant...

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48c0nr/i_thought_having_a_vasectomy_would_stop_my_wife/
%
Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.

Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).
First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."
Second woman: "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew, because when he's mountin' me, he knows what to do."
Third woman: "Well my husband is like Jack Daniels."
First woman: "That's not a soft drink!"
Third woman: "I know, but he's a hard licker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48bx8l/three_women_decide_to_compare_their_husbands_to/
%
What computer says "hello"

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48btnn/what_computer_says_hello/
%
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?

... A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48btkr/whats_the_difference_between_a_northern_fairy/
%
How do they tie things down on the space station?

They use astro knots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48bsam/how_do_they_tie_things_down_on_the_space_station/
%
Watch

My lesbian friend gave me a Timex for my birthday.
I don't think she understood me correctly when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48br77/watch/
%
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbledupon a Genie's lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to bring peace to the Middle East, See this map?" Bill pulls out a sweat covered map. "These people have been at war for thousands of years. I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. They call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her and for her to be elected President of the United States of America. That's what I want."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48bi6s/bill_clinton_was_walking_along_the_beach_when_he/
%
I may not have as many Oscars as Leo anymore but...

I've still got as many Tour De France wins as Lance Armstrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48bi6k/i_may_not_have_as_many_oscars_as_leo_anymore_but/
%
Why do the Japanese have squinty eyes?

Becuase atomic bombs are bright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48bhvh/why_do_the_japanese_have_squinty_eyes/
%
Happy Stories Vs Sad Stories

Bob, Rob, and Robert live on the six hundredth floor of an apartment building. One day, the elevators are broken, so they have to take the stairs. To entertain themselves, they decide that for the first 200 floors, Bob will tell happy stories, for the middle 200 floors, Rob will tell funny stories, and for the last 200 floors, Robert will tell sad stories. On the 401st floor, Robert says, "Here's my sad story: I left our apartment's keys in the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48bfn7/happy_stories_vs_sad_stories/
%
LPT: If you ever find that your hard drive has been wiped, don't worry!

Just call the NSA, they'll have have all your information backed up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48beha/lpt_if_you_ever_find_that_your_hard_drive_has/
%
I got pulled over by a cop

He came to the window and told me I was swerving. He then announced that I was drunk, and proceeded to give me a breathalyzer.
I told him: "I can't I have dyspnea" (Trouble Breathing)
He then told me to take a urine test.
I told him: "I cant, I have a failing liver"
He then continues to ask that I take a blood test.
I tell him: "I can't I'm a Hemophiliac" (Trouble clotting blood)
Lastly he says that I attempt to walk in a straight line.
I then tell him: "I cant, I'm fucking drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48b0ir/i_got_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
%
A city girl and a country girl meet for the first time...

A city girl and a country girl meet for the first time attending a class together. The country girls asks, " So,  where y'all from? " The city girl scoffs,  and replies: " Well, where I come from, we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition." To this the country girl pauses, thinks for a moment, then asks: " So, where y'all from, bitch? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48aw0l/a_city_girl_and_a_country_girl_meet_for_the_first/
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my penis was in the guinness world records book

then the librarian told me to take it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48avon/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_world_records_book/
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The president of a popular mail-order business just died.

The funeral will be held in 3 - 5 business days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48av8k/the_president_of_a_popular_mailorder_business/
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The Black Bartender

A young black man is tending bar one night when a half-drunk white man walks in and takes a seat. He yells out,  "hey,  nigger, gimme a beer!"
The bartender glares at the man, pours the beer and says, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't use that word around here."
Some time passes, the man finishes his beer and yells out, "Hey ya moolie, lemme get a shot of whiskey!"
The bartender begrudgingly pours the shot and says to the man, "that's the last time you use language like that in my bar, understand?"
"Yeah, whatever, ya lousy spook. " says the man as he swallows his shot.
" alright. That's it. How would you feel if you were in my place, having to be called names by the likes of you? Come on back here and you can serve me drinks for the rest of the night! " the bartender grabs the man by the collar and drags him behind the bar before taking a seat right in front at the bar.
" Yo, honkey, pour me a beer! "
" Sorry, mac, but we don't serve niggers here. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48apvo/the_black_bartender/
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John Cena wakes up from coma

Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: I C U
Cena: No you don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ahat/john_cena_wakes_up_from_coma/
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What's the most cleanest animal on the planet?

A Hygiena.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48ab9s/whats_the_most_cleanest_animal_on_the_planet/
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My co-worker is getting married today, 2/29/2016.

He figured this way he would only have to celebrate his wedding anniversary once every four years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48aap7/my_coworker_is_getting_married_today_2292016/
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Whats the difference between illegal and unlawful?

One is against the law and the other is a sick bird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48a7q1/whats_the_difference_between_illegal_and_unlawful/
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A mummy calls a restauraunt.

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/489y42/a_mummy_calls_a_restauraunt/
%
What do you call a fish that performs brain surgeries?

A neurosturgeon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/489xlo/what_do_you_call_a_fish_that_performs_brain/
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A prisoner escaped..

And snuck inside a house nearby.
The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.
The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.
The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for sex. I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"
Then the woman replied..
"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/489xad/a_prisoner_escaped/
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We should probably stop all the 'Leo never won an Oscar' jokes...

...it's now irrevenant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/489waj/we_should_probably_stop_all_the_leo_never_won_an/
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Boxed In

There was a young girl from Peru
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
“If they pay to get in,
They’ll pay to get out of it, too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/489v7t/boxed_in/
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LPT: How to meet the man/woman of your dreams.

Go to sleep.
[Heard this from a friend so not mine and probably not hers]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/489oca/lpt_how_to_meet_the_manwoman_of_your_dreams/
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but you have to get them in there first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/489h8z/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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My friend William joined the army

He is uncomfortable with the phrase "Fire at Will"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4893zh/my_friend_william_joined_the_army/
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I like my women how I like my milk...

Rich, white, and 2% fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/488uf1/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_milk/
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I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said  "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/488rb5/i_was_at_the_doctors_office_the_other_day/
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What stops rape every time?

Consent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/488kk2/what_stops_rape_every_time/
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Oscar

If you're Leonardo, you must have got it by now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/488huy/oscar/
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LEONARDO DECAPRIO WINS AN OSCAR...

... oh wait, it's not a joke this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/488ghr/leonardo_decaprio_wins_an_oscar/
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Dead memes are like dead babies

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/488551/dead_memes_are_like_dead_babies/
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Why did Thor file a police report?

Because someone stole his thunder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/487zg5/why_did_thor_file_a_police_report/
%
A mom walks into her sons room to get him up for church..

She says to the son, "Get up its time for church."
The son rolls over and says so his mom,  "I'm not going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) I don't like the people 2) The people don't like me and 3) I don't want to go."
The mother responds," You ARE going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) You're a Christian, you have to go even when you don't want to. 2) You're 42 years old.  And 3) You're the priest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/487rs6/a_mom_walks_into_her_sons_room_to_get_him_up_for/
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TIL that a baby can recognize its mother's heartbeat due to how much time they spent inside their mom

I can also recognize your mom's heartbeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/487hb8/til_that_a_baby_can_recognize_its_mothers/
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If I had a nickle for every time I heard the word Diversity at the Oscars..

I still wouldn't give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/487em8/if_i_had_a_nickle_for_every_time_i_heard_the_word/
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Watch List

A guy is nervously pacing around his house. His brother sees this and asks, "What's wrong." The guy responds with, "I was online and now I think I'm on some sort of watch list." Concerned his brother asked, "What were you searching?" The guy looks at his brother and says, "Rolexes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4879fo/watch_list/
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A man goes in to talk to his psychologist.

A man says to his psychologist, "I keep dreaming that I'm a sadistic, necrophiliac zoophile. Should I be worried, or am I just beating a dead horse?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4872y8/a_man_goes_in_to_talk_to_his_psychologist/
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What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters?

Orange Is The New Black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/486ua7/what_is_donald_trump_telling_barack_obama/
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Knock knock..

Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, you're a poo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/486mo7/knock_knock/
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Lost my watch at a party...

Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl.
^not ^^on ^^^my ^^^^watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/486ebt/lost_my_watch_at_a_party/
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My neighbor named his dog "Rolex"...

He's a watch dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4869ur/my_neighbor_named_his_dog_rolex/
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a man and a woman have been married for five years...

the couple has sex every night, and every night the man insists they make love in the dark. one night in the middle of love making the woman turns on the lights to find the man fucking her with a dildo
"explain yourself" says the woman
the man responds "fine, but first you explain the kids"
i dont recall where i first heard this but it could be a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4863pl/a_man_and_a_woman_have_been_married_for_five_years/
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I want a divorce

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4863ep/i_want_a_divorce/
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What do a thong and Donald Trump's toupee have in common?

They both barely cover an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/485ywf/what_do_a_thong_and_donald_trumps_toupee_have_in/
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What did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons?

Jose and Hose "B."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/485sjh/what_did_the_mexican_fire_chief_name_his_two_sons/
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TIFU by walking into the class of the wrong substitute teacher

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/485ns0/tifu_by_walking_into_the_class_of_the_wrong/
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Pickle Slicer

A guy comes home from work and tells his wife that he was fired. Wife asks why? Husband says he got caught sticking his dick in the pickle slicer. Wife panicked - asked to look at his penis. Penis looked good, didn't have a cut on it. Puzzled, the wife asks, 'What happened to the pickle slicer?'
The husband looks up and says,
'She got fired as well'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/485n1x/pickle_slicer/
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What's a Terrorist's favorite fruit?

A Talibanana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/485jgz/whats_a_terrorists_favorite_fruit/
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I want to repaint my room a shade of white...

...but I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "2016 Oscars".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/485icc/i_want_to_repaint_my_room_a_shade_of_white/
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Robert Khardasian was OJ Simpson's lawyer

And thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4859xz/robert_khardasian_was_oj_simpsons_lawyer/
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Did you hear the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4853nz/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_deaf_guy/
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What is a man's most sensitive organ while masturbating?

His ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/484s8x/what_is_a_mans_most_sensitive_organ_while/
%
Why don't hipsters like rivers?

Too mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/484qx1/why_dont_hipsters_like_rivers/
%
What do you call a factory that only makes good products?

A satisfactory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/484ofm/what_do_you_call_a_factory_that_only_makes_good/
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How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/484n22/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
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"I'm Bill Gates, today I'll teach you how to count to 10"

1, 2, 3, NT, 95, 98, 2000, Me, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/484lgf/im_bill_gates_today_ill_teach_you_how_to_count_to/
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A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/484k1u/a_good_zinger_that_my_friend_carpenter_used_on_a/
%
What's the difference between a pizza and a pizza joke?

Pizza jokes can't be topped!
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/483fia/whats_the_difference_between_a_pizza_and_a_pizza/
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A Televangelist, a Rabbi and a Hindu were traveling together

They came across a farm and asked to spend the night there. The farmer said, “I only have room for two, someone will have to sleep in the barn.”
The Hindu volunteered. Moments later, there was a knock on the door. The Hindu said, “There is a cow in the barn. I can’t sleep on holy ground.”
“I will go” said the Rabbi. Moments later there was a knock on the door. “I can’t sleep with a pig, pigs are unkosher.”
So the Televangelist is sent out to the barn. Moments later, there was a knock on the door.
It was the pig and the cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/483fdr/a_televangelist_a_rabbi_and_a_hindu_were/
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Hawaiian Punch has a new telephone number.

It's the Punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4836ox/hawaiian_punch_has_a_new_telephone_number/
%
Bert : 'Ernie, do you want to get some icecream?'

Ernie : 'Sherbert'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4836iw/bert_ernie_do_you_want_to_get_some_icecream/
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Confussedcius Say Compilation

Confussedcius Say man who make mistake in elevator is wrong on many levels
Confussedcius Say man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time
build man a fire warm for rest of his day, set man on fire is warm for rest of his life
Confussedcius Say man is like spider, bound to have sticky hand after being on web
Confussedcius Say man who drive like hell bound to go there someday
Confussedcius Say man who confuse viagra for laxative will be shit in bed
Confussedcius Say man who has head up in ass can't see for shit
Confussedcius Say only when mosquito land on balls will man learn to resolve conflict without violence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/482wi0/confussedcius_say_compilation/
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Confucius say

: go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/482unu/confucius_say/
%
My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,

But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/482uju/my_girlfriend_and_i_had_a_fight_and_she_asked_me/
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A man goes to a job interview...

Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"
Man: "Probably my honesty."
Interviewer: "I don't think that's a weakness."
Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4826wm/a_man_goes_to_a_job_interview/
%
Why do Jamaican philosophers shit together?

Because they discuss tings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/481hka/why_do_jamaican_philosophers_shit_together/
%
What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?

Both say Please insert Bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/481fzb/what_do_monica_lewinsky_and_a_vending_machine/
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Should English be the only official language of the EU?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/481dps/should_english_be_the_only_official_language_of/
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How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb should be willing to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4818pe/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A list as long as my arm..

I have a list as long as my arm of why I wish my mother never took thalidomide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4813wi/a_list_as_long_as_my_arm/
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Gotta love those father-son bondings!

A boy walks in on his dad masturbating in front of the computer and asks "Dad, what are you doing?"
The dad replies, "I'm masturbating. Don't worry, you will be doing it soon too."
"Really?"
"Yea, because my arm is getting tired"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/480zvc/gotta_love_those_fatherson_bondings/
%
Archeologists in South Africa have just discoved what they think is the oldest tampon ever found

They are trying to find out what period it came from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/480wvl/archeologists_in_south_africa_have_just_discoved/
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When's the best time to come out of the closet?

When the coast is queer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/480uqu/whens_the_best_time_to_come_out_of_the_closet/
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What do you call a pan-sexual man named Nick who works at a CD store?

Pan Nick at the Disc Co.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/480o5d/what_do_you_call_a_pansexual_man_named_nick_who/
%
What do you call a black jew?

Overcooked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/480nrf/what_do_you_call_a_black_jew/
%
If only success was measured by how self deprecating you could be...

...I'd still be below average.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/480klf/if_only_success_was_measured_by_how_self/
%
The flat earth movement is really taking off..

There are flat earthers all around the globe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/480jbt/the_flat_earth_movement_is_really_taking_off/
%
I've just realised why I don't like tofu

It's literally just a curd to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/480iwb/ive_just_realised_why_i_dont_like_tofu/
%
Why did princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/480fvo/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
I am a recovering addict...

I was addicted to the hokey pokey...
But I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/480b3k/i_am_a_recovering_addict/
%
Bill Gates in a car

A software engineer, a hardware designer and Bill Gates are driving in car on the freeway.  Suddenly the car breaks down, the engines stops.
The software engineer says: “I think that car ran out if gas.  Let’s walk to the nearest gas station and get some gas, put it in the car and then it will start again.”
The hardware designer says: “I think the muffler broke off, let’s fix it and then we can go on. “
Bill Gates says: “I’m not sure what the problem is but let’s close all the windows, and then try restarting.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/480al2/bill_gates_in_a_car/
%
I am completely outraged by JJ Abrahms saying the next Star Wars will have an openly gay character in his science fiction franchise

Star wars is Science Fantasy, not Science Fiction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4804tc/i_am_completely_outraged_by_jj_abrahms_saying_the/
%
What did the blue crab call his ex girlfriend?

Old Bay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4803v2/what_did_the_blue_crab_call_his_ex_girlfriend/
%
A wife is good for seventy things,

cleaning, and 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47zz94/a_wife_is_good_for_seventy_things/
%
What do they say for jokes about German sausages?

They are the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47zyiy/what_do_they_say_for_jokes_about_german_sausages/
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Why rivers are never viewed on dvd or video cassette?

Because they are always streaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47zyef/why_rivers_are_never_viewed_on_dvd_or_video/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman?

Zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47zufy/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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What's your number?

A jewish girl and a man walks into a bar. They hit it off and the man asks for the girls number. She lifts her sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47zonk/whats_your_number/
%
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47zm2c/what_does_bill_say_to_hillary_after_sex/
%
What do you call racist jokes that are made about black people?

Dark humor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47zlbq/what_do_you_call_racist_jokes_that_are_made_about/
%
Max wondered why the ball was slowing growing larger....

and then it hit him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47zje6/max_wondered_why_the_ball_was_slowing_growing/
%
If you want to understand who loves you more, your wife or your dog, lock them both on the balcony

After three hours unlock them and see who's happier to see you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47zidc/if_you_want_to_understand_who_loves_you_more_your/
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I saw in the newspaper that my town was searching for a pedophile.

I called in thinking I could help but it turns out that it wasn't actually a job opening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47zibm/i_saw_in_the_newspaper_that_my_town_was_searching/
%
How do you know your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47zhlg/how_do_you_know_your_roommate_is_gay/
%
For her birthday, I bought my wife a pair of shoes and a vibrator.

If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47z6k0/for_her_birthday_i_bought_my_wife_a_pair_of_shoes/
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Why do Canadians prefer their jokes in hexidecimal?

Because 7 8 9 A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47yynp/why_do_canadians_prefer_their_jokes_in_hexidecimal/
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When I get naked in the bathroom..

The shower usually gets turned on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47yqd5/when_i_get_naked_in_the_bathroom/
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Why don't blind people bungee jump?

Cuz' it scares the fuck out of the dogs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ylry/why_dont_blind_people_bungee_jump/
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Three guys are stuck on an island full of cannibals...

The cabinnals capture them unless they each bring back ten fruit.
The first comes back with ten bananas. The Tribe Leader tells him that they will shove the bananas up his ass, and if he laughs or winces he gets eaten. He gets the ten bananas shoved up his ass, but he cries out and is sent to "Cannibal Death Row".
The second guy comes back ten berries. The Tribe Leader tells him that they will shove the berries up his ass and if he laughs or winces, he gets eaten. The man, as the sixth berry comes in, starts laughing.
The man is sent to say goodbye to his friend before they both get eaten. "Dude, why'd you laugh? Yours was easy."
"I couldn't help it, I saw Dave coming back with ten watermelons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47yjuj/three_guys_are_stuck_on_an_island_full_of/
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Why does Bernie Sanders write in lowercase letters?

Because he hates capitalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47yg48/why_does_bernie_sanders_write_in_lowercase_letters/
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Heaven's Clocks

A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once." She is amazed at this and goes looking.
She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at all. She's somewhat ashamed that her own is showing it's 18:30.
She begins hunting furiously, unable to find a specific one, however. Finally she gives up. "Where is my Husband's clock!?"
"In Jesus's office. He uses it for a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47yet4/heavens_clocks/
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A man was in bed with his girlfriend...

He noticed one of his girlfriend's buttcheeks jiggled more when he slapped it. Curious, he began experimenting. When she asked him what he was doing he replied:
*Ass*trophysics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47yb14/a_man_was_in_bed_with_his_girlfriend/
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There were hookers talking...

Asked the one hooker the other: What do you ask from Santa Claus this year?
Oh, just 50 dollars, like always.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47y3no/there_were_hookers_talking/
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Religion is like a penis

It's OK to be proud of yours, just don't try to shove it down your children's throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47y2s6/religion_is_like_a_penis/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

....Dr Dre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47xz1k/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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What group do Mexican racists join?

The Que Que Que.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47xut8/what_group_do_mexican_racists_join/
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What do you call a pessimistic horse?

A Neigh-Sayer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47xt7e/what_do_you_call_a_pessimistic_horse/
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Confucius Say

Man who run behind car get exhausted
But man who run in front of car get tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47xssk/confucius_say/
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I walked by a girl the other day who I swore had twelve nipples

Sounds weird, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47xrwb/i_walked_by_a_girl_the_other_day_who_i_swore_had/
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What did the lazy monk say?

Namaste..right here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47xqt2/what_did_the_lazy_monk_say/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Apparently not four as my basement is still dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47xpv0/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Three vampires walk into a vampire bar.

The first vampire orders a cup of hot blood. The second vampire orders a cup of cold blood. The third vampire orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks the third "Why don't you drink blood? You're a vampire, man." The third vampire takes a used tampon from his pocket and answers: "I like mine bagged."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47xkbh/three_vampires_walk_into_a_vampire_bar/
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My wife told me I needed to slow down on the alcohol...

...or better yet, stop driving altogether.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47xfw4/my_wife_told_me_i_needed_to_slow_down_on_the/
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If Yoda were to do a Chicken impression...

If Yoda were to do a Chicken impression and say Cock-a-doodle-doo. Would he be asking someone to draw a penis?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47x5rc/if_yoda_were_to_do_a_chicken_impression/
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What did the stoplight say to the car?

Don't look, I'm changing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47x563/what_did_the_stoplight_say_to_the_car/
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Did you hear the news?

The guy who invented predicted text died. His funerals on funfair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47x3td/did_you_hear_the_news/
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What's the name of Tyler The Creator's dad?

The Tyler Creator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47wn5s/whats_the_name_of_tyler_the_creators_dad/
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Confucius say: It is good if boy meets girl in park...

It is better if boy parks meat in girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47wjpw/confucius_say_it_is_good_if_boy_meets_girl_in_park/
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Why did the blonde freeze a pot of boiling water?

Because you never know when you're going to need some boiling water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47wac6/why_did_the_blonde_freeze_a_pot_of_boiling_water/
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I'd like to thank my hands...

I'd like to thank my hands for always being at my side, my legs for supporting me through thick and thin, and my fingers... Because I can always count on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47w0uh/id_like_to_thank_my_hands/
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Why does Matt Damon refuse to have sex in his newest movie?

Because he's Bourne again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47w05k/why_does_matt_damon_refuse_to_have_sex_in_his/
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What was Snoop Dogg's ghost arrested for?

Possesion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47vxb6/what_was_snoop_doggs_ghost_arrested_for/
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Islamic logic

A Muslim couple in Lakemba, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women.
But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47vraj/islamic_logic/
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Americans are getting stronger.

Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47voj6/americans_are_getting_stronger/
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3 rings in a man's life

1. Engagement ring
2. Wedding ring
3. Suffering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47vmph/3_rings_in_a_mans_life/
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What's Spider-Mans favorite online music app?

Spotafly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47vj3t/whats_spidermans_favorite_online_music_app/
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A Cuban, a Canadian, and a White Supremacist walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "What'll you have Senator Cruz?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47vhb9/a_cuban_a_canadian_and_a_white_supremacist_walks/
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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, he fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47v8fq/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
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A husband and wife save thousands of dollars for their dream golfing trip abroad...

A man and his wife and save thousands of dollars, pack their bags and go on their dream golfing trip abroad.
The golf course is a thing of beauty, perfect greens, giant sculptures, huge sparkling blue lakes, the finest sand pits, and amazing views. The rich of the world all have mansions and castles on either side of the fairways.
The husband is a bit of a worry-wart. So, naturally, on the first hole of the course he's giving his wife tips and encouraging her to drive the ball straight down the fairway.
"Don't you dare flub your shots dear, if you do and it breaks anything at all we're in so much trouble... We could barely afford the trip let alone damage fees!"
He makes the wife nervous and at first she whiffs the ball entirely. After encouragement... She hits the ball hard and drives it, straight into a beautiful stained glass window of a near by mansion.
"Dammit!" They both exclaim and start to argue. After bickering for a few minutes they decide they had better walk up to the mansion, apologize, and see if they can work out an arrangement for the damage.
Upon arrival to the mansion they notice the door wide open and a deep, strong voice echoes "Well... Come in."
They enter the spectacular mansion, and follow the voice I till they come into a room that appears to be a study, there is broken shards of glass everywhere, and halfway across the room is a broken jewel encrusted vase. Standing next to the wreckage is a burly man with thick goatee and fine clothes, holding a golf ball.
The husband and wife start apologizing profusely and begging to work out an arrangement, but the man hold up his hand for silence, smiles and speaks:
"Do not worry about the damage, you see you have done me a great service, do you see the jewel encrusted vase that has broken before you? I have lived in that cell for a millennium. It is only thanks to you that I am free. You see I am a genie... And as a reward I may grant three wishes... I only ask you allow me to make the 3rd wish"
The husband and wife are astonished and thrilled! The husband walks up to the genie and happily asks for a mansion just as beautiful as this one, in every country in the world.
The genie nods his head and says "it is done. There is now a mansion in every part of the world"
The wife looks at be the genie and asks for so much money that they never have to work a day in their lives again. And so they can golf here whenever they want.
The genie nods and says "it is done, you now can afford all the pleasures in life"
The genie then asks for his only wish "this is my only wish and you must command it for it to come true... I have been locked in that vase, far too long, far too lonely without the comfort of warmth of a beautiful woman such as your wife standing before me... I wish to take this woman to the bedroom upstairs and have my way with her."
The husband and wife are shocked at his wish, and the husbands none to happy but after discussing it for a few minutes, the wife convinces the husband that it's worth it, that after all the wise genie did for them it's the least they can do...
So with the husbands approval the genie takes the wife upstairs into a beautiful huge bedroom and has incredible sex with with her. Hours pass and they both lay there elated and tired.
The wife exclaims "that was incredible..."
And the genie, smoking a cigar, asks "so how long have you been married?"
"A 35 long years" the wife replies
"Wow, such a long time for you both, and how old is your husband?" Asks the genie
"He just turned 50 last month.. Why do you ask?" Says the wife
And the genie chucked "amazing, 50 years old and still believes in genies"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47v862/a_husband_and_wife_save_thousands_of_dollars_for/
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The Dying Man and the Cookies

An old man was on his death bed and had less than a day to live. As he lay there reflecting on his life, he smelled his favorite cookies in the kitchen. So using his last bit of will and effort, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen for a cookie. He sat down at the table and reached for one when his wife popped his hand with a wooden spoon: "Don't touch it! Those are for your funeral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47v4aa/the_dying_man_and_the_cookies/
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The Republican primary race should be called "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

It's way too long, and the protagonists are becoming more juvenile as it goes on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47v1l8/the_republican_primary_race_should_be_called_the/
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A student asks another student, "How many zeroes does your salary have?"

He responds "One"
"In which currency?"
"Any :("

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47uu38/a_student_asks_another_student_how_many_zeroes/
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In the line at the Pearly Gates...

Saint Peter is glad to see a group of Nuns making their way to his podium. He greets the first Nun and says: "Sister we welcome you to your reward in eternity. We only ask that if you have ever had a lapse in your purity and touched a man's penis, even in accident, that you apply this holy water to the area and then pass through the gates."
The first Sister admits she had touched a gentleman she had been treating as a patient, but only with her pinky on accident while cleaning his bandages. So she dips her pinky into the pool of holy water and passes through.
The next Sister admits with a deep blush to having grasped one man with her whole hand, but only to properly put in a catheter. She shamefully looked at St Peter, but he smiled back and told her to just dip her hand in the pool and go on in.
Meanwhile, St Peter had noticed a Nun who kept cutting a few places in line each time a fellow Sister was receiving her cleansing. She had finally skipped her way to the very front and let out a sigh of relief at skipping the last nun.
"Sister...you do understand that this isn't a race right? Are you afraid we're running out of room?" St Peter asked jokingly.
"No," the Sister said out of breath from running up the line, "I just know if I have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it BEFORE this crazy bitch behind me sticks her ass in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47urdw/in_the_line_at_the_pearly_gates/
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A zoo was having a lot of trouble with a female gorilla

The gorilla was in heat, but they had no male to couple her with. As she was getting more violent and aggressive by the hour, they tried to contact other zoos for a male, but none were available in a short amount of time.
Desperate, the zoo director calls John the janitor into his office.
- 'John, you've been with us for a long time, but today I have an unusual question for you. We can't calm this gorilla down and I'm afraid for the safety of the zoo. John, will you... ahem... screw this gorilla? For, say, 500 dollars?'
John seriously thinks about it for a while and then replies:
- 'Sir, I will do it, but I have 3 conditions.'
- 'Yeah John, of course, just name them!' says the relieved director.
- 'First, this matter stays here in this office. I do this, nobody but you, me and the gorilla knows about it!'
- 'Well absolutely John, it's only normal!'
- 'Second, just so we're clear, I'll only screw the damn gorilla. No kissing, fondling or spooning!'
- 'I think that will be enough John, of course!' the director smiles. 'What about the third condition?
- 'Well...,' John is suddenly lowering his voice and looks down ashamed, 'I'll have to give you those 500 dollars at my next pay.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47uo4b/a_zoo_was_having_a_lot_of_trouble_with_a_female/
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Why are there no white chinese people?

It's because two Wongs don't make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47uflt/why_are_there_no_white_chinese_people/
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Look mom, my tits are bigger than yours! :D

"That's not funny, Kevin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ubww/look_mom_my_tits_are_bigger_than_yours_d/
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A hipster's favorite frequency is 50,000 Hz

You've probably never heard it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47uad7/a_hipsters_favorite_frequency_is_50000_hz/
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The three unwritten rules of life

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47u9xn/the_three_unwritten_rules_of_life/
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What do fish talk about at work?

Current events

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47u80j/what_do_fish_talk_about_at_work/
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woke up to a tap on my door this morning

got to get a new plumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47u7np/woke_up_to_a_tap_on_my_door_this_morning/
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Difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai

What's difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai?
People in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones
But people in Abu Dhabi Do!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47u78w/difference_between_abu_dhabi_and_dubai/
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After months of deliberation a Surgeon decides to put his elderly father into an old age home.

after a week he goes for a visit. He reviews his fathers chart at the end of his bed and sees that among the medications he is taking Viagra is one. The Surgeon approaches his fathers nurse and asks if his dad has met someone.
The nurse says no, we give him Viagra so he doesn't roll out of bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47tybf/after_months_of_deliberation_a_surgeon_decides_to/
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So there's an Irish family who live in the countryside (a bit of a long one here)

And the closest town is about a mile away. They make their money from a little bit of farming, but mostly from the milk that their cow produces.
So one day, the father wakes up and goes outside, and sees that the family cow has died. Stricken with grief, he kills himself on the spot. When his wife wakes up, she goes outside, sees her husband and the cow, and hangs herself from the barn rafters, unable to live without her true love.
Their oldest son wakes up a little later, and goes outside, sees his dead parents, and goes down to the river to cry a bit, out of sight of the whole scene of death. While at the river, a female leprechaun jumps out in front of him, and says "so, seems you're having a bad day."
He says, "Yes, that's true."
She says, "Well, I have a deal for you. Fuck me ten times in a row without stopping, and I'll bring both your parents back to life, plus the cow."
"That's great!" Says the lad, "But what happens if I fail?"
"I'll kill you," says she.
"Well, I have nothing to lose," says the lad, and they go about it, but he fails, and she kills him.
The second brother wakes up, sees his parents and the cow, and goes down to the river only to see his dead brother and the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer, and he tries but fails. She kills him too.
Finally, the last, youngest brother wakes up, goes outside, sees the carnage, and goes down to the river to cry. Upon arrival, he sees his brothers and the leprechaun. She gives him the same deal, adding that she will bring both his brothers back to life as well. All he has to do is fuck her 10 times in a row.
"That sounds great" he says, "But what if I fuck you 15 times?"
"Well, says the leprechaun, "I'll change your family's house into a mansion."
"And what about 20?" Says the lad.
"IF you could do that, I'd also throw in piles of gold, you'd be set for life. But sadly, I think it's impossible."
"Oh, it's possible," says the youngest boy, "But I have one worry. What about your own safety?"
"What do you mean?" Says the leprechaun.
"What's to keep you from dying from all that fucking?" Says the boy.
"Why on earth would you think I'd die from that?" Asks the leprechaun.
"Well," says the boy, "the cow did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47tw6y/so_theres_an_irish_family_who_live_in_the/
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Why is French body armour so cheap?

They only need it for their back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47tvne/why_is_french_body_armour_so_cheap/
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The weight loss program

A man wants to lose his beer belly, so he signs up for a free weight loss program he read about online.
On the first day, he hears a knock at his door. He answers it, and sees an extremely attractive woman standing there.
"If you catch me, you get to keep me," says the woman.
So the man chases after the woman and is unable to catch her, but he ends up shedding a few pounds anyway.
The next day, he hears another knock at his door. He goes to answer it, and sees an even more attractive woman standing there.
"If you catch me, you get to keep me," she says, just like the previous woman.
So the man chases after her, but is unable to catch her. He ends up shedding a few more pounds thanks to this chase.
The next day, he hears yet another knock at his door. He goes to answer it, and sees yet another woman, even more attractive than the previous two.
"If you catch me, you get to keep me," says the woman, just like the others.
So the man chases after her, but is still unable to catch her. However, the program is still effective and he loses even more pounds.
The next day, the man is looking at himself in the mirror and admiring how much weight he's lost. He hears yet another knock at the door.
"I wonder how attractive THIS woman will be," the man says out loud. He goes to answer it, and sees the fattest, ugliest woman he's ever seen standing at his doorstep. She grins at him.
"If I catch you, I get to keep you," she says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47tt9x/the_weight_loss_program/
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Want to hear a joke?

Youtube's Copyright System

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47tp9i/want_to_hear_a_joke/
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Want to know if your wife loves you as much as your dog?

Lock them both in a trunk of a car and see who's happy to see you
when you open it to let them out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47toyn/want_to_know_if_your_wife_loves_you_as_much_as/
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me

Than a frontal lobotomy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47tkqi/id_rather_have_a_bottle_in_front_of_me/
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I asked my friend in North Korea how it was there.

He said he cant complain...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47tezd/i_asked_my_friend_in_north_korea_how_it_was_there/
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Terminator, RoboCop, & Optimus Prime are all together thinking of their next costume for Halloween...

when RoboCop says "We should all be classical musical composers; I'll be..Beethoven!".
&nbsp;
Optimus Prime agrees and says "alright - I'll be..Mozart!".
&nbsp;
Terminator stands up and says "I'll be Bach!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47tan4/terminator_robocop_optimus_prime_are_all_together/
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Dark jokes are like Malaysian Airlines flights

They're either hit or miss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47t7vv/dark_jokes_are_like_malaysian_airlines_flights/
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know, and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47t65p/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
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A man goes out to play golf...

...while his wife waits at home. He promises to be back by five.
Five'o'clock comes and goes and the husband hasn't come back yet. Gradually, the hours tick by and no sign of the husband. The wife is about to go looking for him when the front door opens and the husband shuffles in.
The wife is worried sick.
"Where have you been? You said you'd be home by five, it's now eight'o'clock!"
The husband replies with, "I'm sorry I'm late, but my friend Harry had a heart attack today in the middle of golf."
The wife is shocked.
"Oh dear! That's awful!"
"I know! All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47t5ga/a_man_goes_out_to_play_golf/
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5 Jokes about Boiling Water

1. Perhaps I shouldn't joke on here about boiling water, it might be too steamy.
2. RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist.
3. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
4. What do you get when your pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies
5. One cannibal says to the other cannibal "hey I ate a missionary the other day and he gave me an upset stomach." The second cannibal says "That's too bad. How'd you cook him?" The first cannibal says "Oh, I threw him in the giant pot of boiling water like always." The second cannibal says "Makes sense. And what did he look like?" The first cannibal says "The usual. Brown robe, rope belt, sandals." And the second cannibal says "Well there's your problem. You boiled him, and he was a friar."
Bonus Related Joke: How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47t4r2/5_jokes_about_boiling_water/
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Islamic sex dolls...

blow themselves up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47syvx/islamic_sex_dolls/
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A kid asks to go to the bathroom...

A kid asks to go to the bathroom in school, the teacher says "Okay, but you have to say your ABC's first!"
So he quickly says "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z".
She says "Very good, but wheres the P?"
And he replies "Running down my leg...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47symj/a_kid_asks_to_go_to_the_bathroom/
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A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?"

The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"
"Not this time son, our dog is dead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47sya6/a_dad_asks_his_son_what_has_four_legs_but_isnt/
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Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name?

Or was Snoop Lyin'?
(His grandmother passed away recently, I'm just trying to be nice people.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47swji/didnt_snoop_dogg_change_his_name/
%
Im getting tired of your Barenaked Ladies marathon.

It's been one week since you looked at me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47svxf/im_getting_tired_of_your_barenaked_ladies_marathon/
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"The Virgin"

This is a Hungarian joke. Man marries the woman, and after the wedding the get ready in the honeymoon suite to consummate their marriage. The man wants to be really tactful and graduate so as not to freak out the young bride. He pulls down his pants and points at his organ: "And this, my dear, is called the penis." The woman looks at it and responds: "Jeez, it looks just like a cock, except it's much smaller. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47stky/the_virgin/
%
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

Pimples don't come on boys faces till they hit 13

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ssoz/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a_pimple/
%
Why do physicists love going to church

It's the center of mass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ssel/why_do_physicists_love_going_to_church/
%
A recent college grad visits a farm one day

. He approaches the farmer and points to one of the trees.
"You know, with the methods you old farmers use, I'd be surprised if you could get one bushel of apples from that tree" says the college grad.
"I'd be too" the farmer answers. "That's a peach tree."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47sq18/a_recent_college_grad_visits_a_farm_one_day/
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So the woman in front of me on the bus has a stain on the back of her jacket. But this time it's different.

Hear me out. She has a stain on the back of her jacket, and its gooey and drippy. So I tap her on the shoulder and I says, "Miss, I couldn't help but notice that you've got semen on the back of your jacket." And she turns around and looks at me, and she says: "you're out of your goddam mind! That's what you are! It's not semen--it's yogurt!" And I say, "can't be. Yogurt isn't salty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47so3i/so_the_woman_in_front_of_me_on_the_bus_has_a/
%
I bought a smart TV

It doesn't show Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47snf5/i_bought_a_smart_tv/
%
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?

a private tooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47smy2/what_do_you_call_a_teacher_that_doesnt_fart_in/
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How does the sexiest man in the world tell a joke?

Like this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47sjdq/how_does_the_sexiest_man_in_the_world_tell_a_joke/
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The wall between heaven and hell break

Jesus goes down and tells lucifer its his job to fix it. Since the break is on his side.
Lucifer replies saying: I do believe you should fix it.
They agree to settle it in court.
Lucifer says to jesus: good luck getting a lawyer.
Jesus replies: thats fine. But remember, my Fathers the judge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47sj1d/the_wall_between_heaven_and_hell_break/
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So, Beethoven dies....

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47sgpr/so_beethoven_dies/
%
A blind man and his dog.

A blind man and his seeing eye dog are waiting to cross a road at some traffic lights when the dog cocks his leg up and pisses on the blind man's trousers.
The blind man proceeds to get a dog biscuit out of his pocket to feed the dog.
A bystander says "excuse me sir, your dog just pissed on your leg and you are going to reward it with a biscuit?"
The blind man replies "I'm trying to work out which end is its head so I can kick it in the arse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47sg9k/a_blind_man_and_his_dog/
%
Never believe minotaurs...

Half of everything they say is bull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47sci9/never_believe_minotaurs/
%
What is a Russian man's favourite Justin Timberlake song?

Crimea River

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47sa0f/what_is_a_russian_mans_favourite_justin/
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Man shags a nun!

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to shag her, he goes up and asks, "will you have sex with me?"
"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus
Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I know how you can shag her: On Sundays, she prays at the local cemetery. While she's praying, dress as God and she'll have sex with you. Just put on a mask, robes, and a lot of glitter."
That Sunday, the man takes the advice, gets into the costume and hides behind a gravestone. Shortly after, the nun appears and prays.
The man pops out from the gravestone and declares, "I am God, and I command you to have sex with me."
The nun replies, "Sure, but only if we have anal sex."
So they have anal sex.
After sex the man rips off his mask and laughs, "I'm not God! I'm that man from the bus! Ha!"
Immediately the nun rips off her mask and says "Ha! I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ryxt/man_shags_a_nun/
%
A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?

The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47rxtp/a_boy_asks_his_dad_whats_the_difference_between/
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Just three words . . .

A middle-aged man meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $100 as long as you can say it in just three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $100 on the bar, and says slowly, "Paint . . . my . .  . house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47rxo7/just_three_words/
%
A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”

God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47rvsx/a_man_asks_god_why_did_you_make_woman_so_beautiful/
%
What's the worst kind of media?

chlamydia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47rv3b/whats_the_worst_kind_of_media/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47riqn/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
There once was a family of moles in their mole hole when one smelled something sweet...

The father mole stuck his head out of the mole hole and said "is that honey?" So the mother mole squeezed through the hole next to the father and smelled "that may be maple syrup! It smells so wonderful!" The baby mole, wanting to see what all the commotion was about, frustratingly couldn't fit between the father and mother mole. So he wailed " All I smell is molasses!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47rfeo/there_once_was_a_family_of_moles_in_their_mole/
%
When I wss a kid I got kicked out of the Boy Scouts

For eating a Brownie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47reb6/when_i_wss_a_kid_i_got_kicked_out_of_the_boy/
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Man runs frantically towards the moving icecream truck..

"Wait!" He exclaimed.
The truck stops and the driver asks, "What can I get you today?". "Oh, nothing. I just wanted to let you know I'm a vegan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ra7r/man_runs_frantically_towards_the_moving_icecream/
%
In a serious water shortage

/r/showerthoughts should be shut down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47r63j/in_a_serious_water_shortage/
%
An old Jewish man won the lottery, and decided to donate half of it to the nazi party.

"Fair is fair," he said. "They gave me the winning numbers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47qu5g/an_old_jewish_man_won_the_lottery_and_decided_to/
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What's the difference between the answers to an askreddit and a typical TIL?

About two days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47qtgc/whats_the_difference_between_the_answers_to_an/
%
Calculators are useless

What I need is a calcunow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47qmuo/calculators_are_useless/
%
Women need to work on relationships more

This is the 10th time I've been told, "it has nothing to do with you, it's me"....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47qgxs/women_need_to_work_on_relationships_more/
%
A girl is at the circus....

... and she sees an elephant. She asks her mom "What's that
between the elephant's legs?"
Her mom is embarrassed and says "That's nothing, dear."
Unsatisfied with this answer, she turns to her dad and asks
"Daddy, what's that between the elephant's legs?"
Her dad is straightforward and says "That's the elephant's penis."
She says "Oh" and pauses. Then she asks, "Why did Mommy say it was nothing?"
To which the dad replies, "Of course, for your mom even that is nothing!"
shout out to /u/Mujutsu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47qd8q/a_girl_is_at_the_circus/
%
Unexpectedly meeting a celebrity is cool, unless....

It's Chris Hansen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47q7c6/unexpectedly_meeting_a_celebrity_is_cool_unless/
%
What does a German call a party without Sausage and Cheese?

A Wurst-Käse Scenario

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47q630/what_does_a_german_call_a_party_without_sausage/
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Have you heard about the one about suicidal procrastinator

He lived a long healthy life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47q54d/have_you_heard_about_the_one_about_suicidal/
%
A physicist, a biologist, and a geologist walk into a bar.

The physicist immediately liquors up and attempts to pick up chicks with his top secret details about a new slightly-cooler-than-molten-hot fusion project he's working on.
The biologist attempts to pick up chicks with stories about him working with baby elephants in Thailand.
The geologist says "Ouch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47q4xh/a_physicist_a_biologist_and_a_geologist_walk_into/
%
Al Sharpton was in Sears

He was there to protest the fact that most all of the washing machines were white.
So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, “What’s the problem here, Reverend?
Sharpton pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white.
The manager replied, “Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the washing machines are white, but if
you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47q42j/al_sharpton_was_in_sears/
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She's technically not wrong...

This actually happened last night with my girlfriend...
Me: So did you read 1984?
She: Yeah, I did...utopian society right?
Me:No it is the total opposite...do you know the opposite of utopian?
She: yeah..Ethiopia right?
and yes she was being totally serious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47q3oq/shes_technically_not_wrong/
%
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47q19h/a_car_full_of_irish_nuns_is_sitting_at_a_traffic/
%
What is the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer?

A Mechanical Engineer makes weapons, a Civil Engineer makes targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47py0a/what_is_the_difference_between_a_mechanical/
%
What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ppgh/what_did_0_say_to_8/
%
Why did the scuba diver drop out of graduate school?

Because he was always below a C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47pk8h/why_did_the_scuba_diver_drop_out_of_graduate/
%
Ducks in Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks.
But one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you,
but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47pilj/ducks_in_heaven/
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Studies show there is actually intelligent DNA in women.

But unfortunately most of them spit it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47phye/studies_show_there_is_actually_intelligent_dna_in/
%
Dark humor is like food

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47pgup/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
There are two cats by the river

The first is named "One, Two, Three" while the second is named "Une, Deux, Trois". Which cat makes it across the river first?
One, Two, Three makes it across because Une, Deux, Trois Cat Sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47pdex/there_are_two_cats_by_the_river/
%
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47patv/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
If two vegans are arguing..

Is it still considered beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47p9wi/if_two_vegans_are_arguing/
%
A priest goes to the mechanic

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage." The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you." The priest returns the following day, and he says, "well, how is it?" The mechanic says, "we found the issue. it was a loose oil filter, and it won't be leaking again because I screwed it in tighter than a nun's cunt." Solemnly, the priest looks the mechanic dead in the eye, and says, "better give it another quarter turn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47p2uo/a_priest_goes_to_the_mechanic/
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What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?

Supplies!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47owld/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_came_out_of_the/
%
Why are men smarter during sex?

Because during sex they're plugged into a fucking know-it-all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47olpy/why_are_men_smarter_during_sex/
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Funny Fart Jokes (family friendly)...

A boy comes home proudly announces to his parents "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"
The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing Lenny! And what was the question?"
Sticking out his chest, the boys says, "Who farted?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ol22/funny_fart_jokes_family_friendly/
%
Why didn't DiCaprio laugh at Oscar joke?

Because he didn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47oi2v/why_didnt_dicaprio_laugh_at_oscar_joke/
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H.o.m.e.w.o.r.k

Half of my energy wasted on random knowledge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ofj1/homework/
%
Why didn't the Soviet Union send Cosmonauts to the Moon?

In case they didn't want to come back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47oboa/why_didnt_the_soviet_union_send_cosmonauts_to_the/
%
Double standards are the worst.

I mean, one flag is enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47oaz8/double_standards_are_the_worst/
%
What's the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket?

A pickpocket snatches watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47oap0/whats_the_difference_between_a_peeping_tom_and_a/
%
Q: How do convicts get drugs while they're in prison?

A: Some asshole brings 'em in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47oabt/q_how_do_convicts_get_drugs_while_theyre_in_prison/
%
Little Johnny

was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."  Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"  "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."  "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47o9mw/little_johnny/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47o8yp/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
What do you call a muslim flying a plane?

A pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47o86d/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_flying_a_plane/
%
What do you call a man whose wife was the Queen, his daughter a Princess and his boss an Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47o5lh/what_do_you_call_a_man_whose_wife_was_the_queen/
%
Yesterday my doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked, "Why is that, doc?"

He replied, "I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47nztm/yesterday_my_doctor_told_me_i_needed_to_stop/
%
If you...

... fap on an airplane, are you hijacking?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47nvmj/if_you/
%
What do you call a midget psychic that's on the run from the law?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47npo1/what_do_you_call_a_midget_psychic_thats_on_the/
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Mickey and Minnie Mouse go to court to get a divorce

The judge says to Mickey "So you say you want a divorce because Minnie here is too silly?"
To which Mickey responds with "No, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47no7r/mickey_and_minnie_mouse_go_to_court_to_get_a/
%
Did you hear the news about the collision between two black holes?

It's really making waves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47nlid/did_you_hear_the_news_about_the_collision_between/
%
What's the hardest thing about being an audiophile?

Convincing the sound to get into your van.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47niq6/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_being_an_audiophile/
%
A pregnant woman was shot three times . . .

She was rushed to the hospital where she was examined and told she would be fine.  The doctors also checked on her baby, since the wounds were to her stomach, and informed her she was in fact pregnant with triplets, two girls and a boy and that all three children were fine.
The woman gave birth to the three children, two girls and a boy and they grew up happy and healthy.
13 years later, the mother is sitting at the kitchen table when her daughter comes running out of the bathroom. "Mommy, mommy, guess what? You'll never believe it, but I was peeing and a bullet came out!" Shocked, the mother has no idea what to make of this and is at first puzzled and concerned, until it dawns on her, the shooting when she was pregnant with her kids.  So she has her daughter put the bullet on the table and explains about the shooting 13 years ago.
About ten minutes later, her second daughter comes running out of the bathroom. "Mommy, mommy, guess what? You'll never believe it, but I was peeing and a bullet came out!" Amazed, the mom says, "this is unbelievable, the same thing just happened with your sister, sit down, I'll explain." So her daughter puts the bullet on the table and her mom tells her about the shooting as well.
Not more than five minutes later her son comes running from the bathroom yelling, "Mom, Mom, guess what, you'll never believe it."  By this point the mom thinks she has it figured out and goes, "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
"No," the son replies unable to contain his excitement, "I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47nh9y/a_pregnant_woman_was_shot_three_times/
%
One day, an out of work mime was visiting a zoo

. He starts up his act, but just as he starts drawing a crowd, a zookeeper grabs the mime and pulls him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, the gorilla, has just died, and they are unable to find a replacement. Worried about the potential loss of customers, the zookeeper asks the mime to put on a gorilla suit and pretend to be the gorilla. Just until they can find a replacement. After some convincing, the mime agrees.
The next day, the mime finds out that it's actually a pretty great job. He can sleep all he wants, eat all he wants, make fun of the guests, and he gets paid to do it. This continues for a few days, until the zoo guests become tired of seeing him laze around and start paying more attention to the lion in the enclosure next to his. Worried about losing his job, the mime decides to do something to get their attention. He climbs up a tree and over the wall between the enclosures. Then he starts to hang from the branch over the lion exhibit, swinging back and forth. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. Day in and day out, more and more people come to see him, and his pay grows. The lion gets angrier and angrier, until one day the mime slips. He falls into the lion enclosure. The lion charges after him, and the mime begins to run for his life. After chasing him for a time,the lion manages to pin the mime to the ground.
Unable to take it anymore, the mime screams, "Help, please! Someone help me!"
The lion then opens its mouth and says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47nf18/one_day_an_out_of_work_mime_was_visiting_a_zoo/
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I saw a black guy running down the street

And he was carrying a TV. For a second I thought, *"hey, that looks like mine!"* but then I realized mine wears Adidas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ndpn/i_saw_a_black_guy_running_down_the_street/
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Records have revealed that Hitler had a "deformed micropenis"...

A little ironic, since he's universally remembered for being a huge dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ncl3/records_have_revealed_that_hitler_had_a_deformed/
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I like my women like I like my government.

No Bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47nc4o/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_government/
%
Why was there so much chaos at the sperm bank?

Because it was first cum first serve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47nbgs/why_was_there_so_much_chaos_at_the_sperm_bank/
%
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?

They can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47nb68/why_do_white_girls_always_travel_in_odd_numbers/
%
Fart jokes are fine.

But poop jokes? Now you're pushin it too hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47nb3c/fart_jokes_are_fine/
%
Einstein came up with a theory about space...

and it was about time too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47nau2/einstein_came_up_with_a_theory_about_space/
%
I heard a woman got hit by a motorcyclist the other day...

It made me wonder, who the fuck rides a motorcycle into someone's kitchen?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47n8sv/i_heard_a_woman_got_hit_by_a_motorcyclist_the/
%
How do you use calculus in real life?

You integrate it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47n7n3/how_do_you_use_calculus_in_real_life/
%
Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners of the monastery?

Because they have no attachments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47n71b/why_dont_buddhists_vacuum_in_the_corners_of_the/
%
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47n4xn/a_newlywed_couple_moves_into_their_new_house/
%
Why would Helen Keller be a terrible driver?

She's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47n3rx/why_would_helen_keller_be_a_terrible_driver/
%
What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47mv1b/whats_better_than_winning_a_gold_medal_in_the/
%
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47mtsm/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
%
A man with a mirror leaves a party...

... and says "I'll see myself out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47mthy/a_man_with_a_mirror_leaves_a_party/
%
Double standards are the worst.

I mean, if a girl sleeps with lots of guys, she's considered a slut.
But when a guy does it, he's considered a homosexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47mont/double_standards_are_the_worst/
%
Jokes

Here's one my da told me when I was about 12 on the way home from school one day,
So there's this brothel in a small town;every drunken so and so tends to vist.Everyone was abuzz one evening when rumour came through of a madam in said brothal which whom could "sing the Irish national anthem while giving you a blow job.
"Go on" said Paddy after a few pints,
"Sure what's the worst that could happen?" I said.
We got there and the madam in question said to me,
"What are you looking for love?"
To which I replied
"One blowie with the national anthem"
"No bother"
She smiled.
She led me upstairs to the room,
"Lay on the bed and pull your trousers down"
She said to me,
"Aye" I replied
"Just one more thing" she mentioned,finger in the air
"I prefer the light to be off"
"That's no bother to me ma'am"
I cherped in anticipation.
She turned the light off and began.
She sung Amhràn na bhFiann flawlessly without a single pause.
"How did you do that?" I said astounded
"Easy" she said getting up.
She turned the light back on,
Then I looked to my left and noticed her glass eye sitting on the bedside table beside me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47mg7u/jokes/
%
My wife and I were happy for 20 years...

... then we met

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47mfqv/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_20_years/
%
Superman was flying around the city when..

he caught a glimpse of something through a window that made him stop. It was wonder woman stretched out on the bed naked and moaning.
Superman saw this as an invitation and flew into the bedroom and did his best. After hours of earth shattering lovemaking, superman looked at wonder woman with a pleased look on his face and said
"I'm guessing you were quite surprised when i showed up?".
Wonder woman looked at him with a grin and said
"Not as surprised as the invisible man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47mbv1/superman_was_flying_around_the_city_when/
%
"IT'S A BOY" I shouted...

With tears rolling down my face, I shouted out loud. "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!"
It was at that moment I decided never to visit Thailand again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47masc/its_a_boy_i_shouted/
%
An old one

Mikhail Gorbachev gets up in the morning and goes out onto his balcony to get some fresh air. The sun is rising.
”Good morning, red sun!” he exclaims.
”Long live Mikhail Gorbachev!” the sun replies.
Very happy with this, Gorbachev goes about his business. After a busy morning he goes out onto his balcony again, and sees the sun at its height.
”Good afternoon, sun!” he shouts out.
”Long live Comrade Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union!” replies the sun.
Very pleased, Gorbachev returns to his work.
That evening, after a hard day, he comes out once again onto his favorite balcony. He sees the sun setting, and with a smile cries out, ”Good evening, my little sun!”
”I am in the West now,” replies the sun, ”so fuck you!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47m56v/an_old_one/
%
What do you get when you cross a Jamaican and a Scotsman

Dreadlochs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47m34w/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_jamaican_and_a/
%
What do call the two midgets who ran an impound lot?

Little Seizers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47m2n1/what_do_call_the_two_midgets_who_ran_an_impound/
%
Apple are finally allowing porn on the itunes store

now there's a fap for that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47m1fp/apple_are_finally_allowing_porn_on_the_itunes/
%
what do martial artists eat?

kung food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47lzff/what_do_martial_artists_eat/
%
Best pick up line.

Hey is your name Sandy Hook?
Cuz I wanna shoot a bunch of kids inside you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47lxiz/best_pick_up_line/
%
What do you call a group of black cartographers?

Niggas with Latitude.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47lvct/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_black_cartographers/
%
Some man started a factory that made 1-kilogram weights in 1620.

It was the first recorded example of mass production.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47lv4b/some_man_started_a_factory_that_made_1kilogram/
%
I got a good piece of advice for picking up girls

Just keep your back straight and lift with your legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ltrt/i_got_a_good_piece_of_advice_for_picking_up_girls/
%
A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.
The bartender looks up and shouts at him, "Hey, where the fuck are you going with my bar stool?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ls69/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear about Vivaldi's finances?

He was one Baroque mother fucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47lpvu/did_you_hear_about_vivaldis_finances/
%
I started calling my wife "Zika"...

...so that I could just get a little head, baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47lfnw/i_started_calling_my_wife_zika/
%
For some reason two guys are getting drunk on a rooftop bar of a skyscraper.....

..and the bartender steps out for a minute.
First drunk guy: I'll let you in on a lil secret- there's an up draft of air current so strong on the north side of this skyscraper that you can float in mid air right off the edge of the roof.
Second drunk guy: I might be shit faced but I'm not stupid.
First drunk guy: Ok - watch this.
First drunk guy proceeds to step off the edge of the roof and walk a few feet away from the roof's edge and clearly floats in the air.
Second drunk guy :  WTF?!?!??! How'd you do that???
First drunk guy : I told you -the up draft is THAT strong.
Second drunk guy : THAT CAN'T BE!!
So the first drunk guy proceeds to walk a little to the left then the right then back to his original spot then back to his seat.
Second drunk guy : DAMM!!!! ------ Let me try it!
Second drunk guy proceeds to step off the edge of the roof at the same point as the first drunk guy and falls straight down on the pavement below and dies.
Just then bartender returns and takes a look down at the commotion on the street below and turns to the first drunk guy.....
Bartender : You're a real fucking prick when you're drunk superman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47lf68/for_some_reason_two_guys_are_getting_drunk_on_a/
%
Women are just as sexist as men

But just like everything else, men are just better at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47lf5j/women_are_just_as_sexist_as_men/
%
So a man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar after work, and starts his usual routine.
A few too many beers in the man starts to feel queesy, and a moment later throws up on his work shirt.
"Goddamnit! Not again. My wife is going to kill me!"
"Whats the problem?" asks the bartender.
"My wife. She hates it when I go out drinking like this, and now she's going know how shit faced I am."
"Don't worry about it. You got a twenty on you?"
"Sure I do. Whys THAT matter?"
"Just trust me, I see this all the time." The bartender takes the twenty and tucks it into the guys shirt pocket. "You'll be fine."
The guy stumbles in the house hours later, and his wife is furious. She looks at his shirt and screams "Have you been out drinking all night again!?"
"No, no. That's not it. See this guy at the resteraunt was drinking to much, and he threw up all over my shirt. He felt so bad about it he gave me this twenty to have it dry cleaned." He reaches in his pocket and pulls out the money.
"You idiot, this is a fifty."
"Yeah, well thats because he shit in my pants too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ldws/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do gay horses eat?

Cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47lc5i/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Latvian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

"They must have been English," the Englishman offered. "After all, only a gentleman would share his last apple with a lady."
"They surely were French," the Frenchman asserted. "They were so hopelessly in love."
"Only could be Latvian," declared the Latvian. "Who else could walk around naked, have only one apple to eat, and think they were in paradise?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47lbrw/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_a_latvian_were/
%
I think back to all the times I've masturbated up until now...

...its just nice to know how far I've cum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47l76a/i_think_back_to_all_the_times_ive_masturbated_up/
%
Cheating Golfer

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47l6u7/cheating_golfer/
%
The world's greatest charades player

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade.
A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The charade player agrees.
Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women. The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.
The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The Radetsky March, by Richard Strauss”.
The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's the correct answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!", and hands him a check for a million bucks.
Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he did it.
"It's really simple", says the charade player. "One look at the positions of the seven women, and I recognized it as the Radetsky March, which goes: rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47l2di/the_worlds_greatest_charades_player/
%
Why do divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47l1us/why_do_divers_fall_backwards_out_of_the_boat/
%
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47kx6t/a_teenage_girl_was_being_intimate_with_her/
%
What do you call a jungle where animals talk about current events?

A topical rainforest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47kvch/what_do_you_call_a_jungle_where_animals_talk/
%
Girl: I think we should just be friends

Me: ya okay, but I get to be Chandler!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47kry3/girl_i_think_we_should_just_be_friends/
%
What's the difference between me and a pile of bricks?

The bricks will get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47kiet/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_pile_of/
%
Marriage joke

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47keo6/marriage_joke/
%
I'm the hier to the Tampax fortune

Soon I'll have more blood money than African warlords.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47jspa/im_the_hier_to_the_tampax_fortune/
%
What's green and smells like pig shit?

Kermit's finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47jq4m/whats_green_and_smells_like_pig_shit/
%
I ran my car into a pole

The poor bastard never saw me coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47jpxi/i_ran_my_car_into_a_pole/
%
What do you call a cripple in a zombie apocalypse?

Meals On Wheels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47jou1/what_do_you_call_a_cripple_in_a_zombie_apocalypse/
%
Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"

John: "Nah, I was just a kid."
Therapist: "That wasn't a question. I see them twice a week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47jmkb/therapist_so_your_parents_both_blame_you_for_the/
%
A police facial artist tried drawing a suspect's face...

It was a bit *sketchy*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47jm9b/a_police_facial_artist_tried_drawing_a_suspects/
%
This morning I was wondering why the sun wasn't rising...

And then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ji0l/this_morning_i_was_wondering_why_the_sun_wasnt/
%
Semen

In the year 2020 scientists are trying to come up with an alternative source of fuel. They find out that whale semen works well and is surprisingly cheap. The military here's about this and decides that they could use this for their vehicles, since fuel for tanks is expensive. So they order a few containers. When they arrive the guy is unloading the boxes and asks what they were for.
"Tanks" they said. The man hands over the box
"Your whale cum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47jhyg/semen/
%
I enjoy political jokes...

I just don't like when they get elected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47jget/i_enjoy_political_jokes/
%
The Blind Man

A nun is taking a bath when someone knocks at the door.
She asks who it is, and the person says, "The blind man."
So she lets him come into the bathroom.
The man enters the room and says, "Nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"
.
.
(from "The Vicar Of Dibley")

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47jdob/the_blind_man/
%
What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?

The wall behind him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47jcza/what_has_more_brains_than_kurt_cobain/
%
What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47j6qj/whats_the_worst_thing_about_breaking_up_with_a/
%
No arms. No legs.

One day a girl decides to go running on the beach. She comes across a man with no arms and no legs laying in the sand. The man is sobbing uncontrollably, so the girl asks him "why are you crying sir?". The nugget man controls his tears and says "I've never been hugged before". So the girl picks him up and gives him a warm hug. The man is all smiles as she sets him back down and goes on her way. The next day, the girl goes for another run and comes across the nugget man crying again. She asks what's wrong this time and he replies "I'm so depressed...I've never been kissed before". The girl, now feeling really sorry for the poor nugget, leans down and gives him a big kiss on the lips. The next day, on her run, the girl finds the old nugget man still crying. "What could be wrong now?" she asks. "I've never been fucked before," the old man squeaks out between sobs.
So the girl picks him up, walks to the water, chucks him in, and yells, "There! You're fucked!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47j6lr/no_arms_no_legs/
%
Racist/Nationally prejudiced pick up lines.

I'm not black, but I'll steal your heart.
Hey girl, I'm not Asian, but I'll eat that pussy.
I'm not from Russia, but you make me blush-a.
If you were a Jihadist, would you blow me first?
Did you just have curry? Because that ass is getting blasted tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47j6a9/racistnationally_prejudiced_pick_up_lines/
%
I was gonna tell you a pizza joke...

But it was too cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47j65r/i_was_gonna_tell_you_a_pizza_joke/
%
A buzzard carrying two dead badgers tried to check in at the airport for his flight.

The gate attendant told him, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one carrion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47j499/a_buzzard_carrying_two_dead_badgers_tried_to/
%
What's the difference between fight club and veganism?

You don't talk about fight club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47j34n/whats_the_difference_between_fight_club_and/
%
What do you call a guy that's lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47j24x/what_do_you_call_a_guy_thats_lost_his_car/
%
I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology.

I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter."
He replied, "I don't follow you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ixxq/im_beginning_to_worry_about_my_obsession_with/
%
What type of dog suffers from being inbred?

A hotdog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ixpp/what_type_of_dog_suffers_from_being_inbred/
%
How many women have you slept with

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47iueq/how_many_women_have_you_slept_with/
%
I like to be frank and earnest with women.

In Brooklyn, I'm Frank and in Chicago I'm Ernest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ini4/i_like_to_be_frank_and_earnest_with_women/
%
Don't make fun of fat people with lisps...

They're thick and tired of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47icdf/dont_make_fun_of_fat_people_with_lisps/
%
A guy is talking with his friend Edward...

...and asks him:
-What do dead and black people have in common?
-Well, I don't know.
-They both get a rest, Ed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47i694/a_guy_is_talking_with_his_friend_edward/
%
I work in retail, a married man made me laugh

Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47i4y9/i_work_in_retail_a_married_man_made_me_laugh/
%
So oxygen went on a second date with potassium

That went OK2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47i4r9/so_oxygen_went_on_a_second_date_with_potassium/
%
Becoming a vegan

...was a big missed steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47hsn0/becoming_a_vegan/
%
Q. What did the Syrians use to light their homes before candles?

A. Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47hsec/q_what_did_the_syrians_use_to_light_their_homes/
%
What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47hpab/what_do_you_call_a_person_whose_wife_was_the/
%
I've got my girlfriend working on her gag reflex...

...I haven't got a big dick or anything, she just throws up when she sees me naked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47hgj1/ive_got_my_girlfriend_working_on_her_gag_reflex/
%
My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time.

He got a trophy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47hgis/my_brother_won_a_prize_for_staying_in_a_hospital/
%
A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

The bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Well aren't you a handsome fellow!". Thinking he's hearing things, the man ignores it and orders a fine Pilsner beer. After he takes a sip, the pretzels goes again "Hm, Pilsner, a fine choice for a cutie like you". The man then looks at the bartender and asks "What the hell is with this bowl of pretzels?!" The bartender, not looking up, says "Oh them? Don't worry about it. The pretzels are complimentary"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47hfyz/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_takes_a_seat/
%
Donald Trump is an inspiration to all new College graduates.

He is in the final interview rounds of a job he has zero experience for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47hamh/donald_trump_is_an_inspiration_to_all_new_college/
%
I tried to catch fog yesterday.

But I mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47hafw/i_tried_to_catch_fog_yesterday/
%
When I was a teenager I saw my grandparents having sex...

...It was the grossest thing I ever saw...
...once I finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47h7a7/when_i_was_a_teenager_i_saw_my_grandparents/
%
A city boy goes up to a farmer and asks for a bucket...

..."I'm going to the milkweed to get some milk."
The farmer looks at the boy perplexed and says, "boy, I've been a farmer for 30 sump'n years, and I ain't never got no milk from milkweed. Milk comes from cows!" The farmer, amused at the thought says, "but, I'll give you a bucket anyways."
Thirty minutes later the boy comes back with a bucket full of milk. Astonished, the farmer says "Wow! That sure is milk!"
The next day the city boy comes back to the farmer asking for a bucket.
"I'm going up to the honeysuckle to get some honey," said the boy.
The farmer looks concerned, and says to the boy, "Boy, I know I'm a farmer, but I know something about honey. Honey comes from bees, not honeysuckle!" The farmer says dismissively, "but I'll give you a bucket anyways."
The boy comes back thirty minutes later with a bucket full of honey. Astonished, the farmer says "Man! That sure is honey!"
The next day the city boy comes back and asks the farmer for a blanket.
The boy says "I'm going to the pussywillow to--" "STOP right there says the farmer, I'm getting a blanket and I'm coming with ya!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47h343/a_city_boy_goes_up_to_a_farmer_and_asks_for_a/
%
A man walks into a restaurant

at lunchtime and is accosted by three women by the door - one Chinese, one Japanese and one Korean.
"Hey guy! Try the barbecue pork fried rice! Number one dish!" proclaims the Chinese woman.
"No no, you want the unagi udon! Best taste!" yells the Japanese woman in reply.
"Aish! Pork rice unagi udon all so-so!" scoffs the Korean woman. "Handsome man eat kimchi wrap, most delicious!"
The three women start to bicker amongst themselves about which dish is the best while the man slips past and over to the counter to wait to be seated. Once the waiter has approached and ushered him to his seat, he asks what the deal is with the women at the door.
"Oh, them?" laughs the waiter. "Don't worry too much about them, they're just the recommend Asians."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47h2bb/a_man_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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A Protestant, Jew, and Catholic....

A Protestant, Jew and Catholic are all outside one day talking about their offerings to the Lord and how each religion blesses God with their offerings.  The talk gets heated and competition comes into play.
The Protestant runs and grabs all the offering money out of his church, draws a big circle on the ground and says, "I'm going to take all of our offering money, throw it up into the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we are going to give to the Lord."
The Catholic runs out and grabs all their offering money and says, "I'll do you one better! I will throw up all of our offering money in the air and whatever lands OUTSIDE the circle, we will give to the Lord!"
The Jew runs out and grabs all their offering money and says, "Well, I'm going to throw all of our offering money up into the air, and whatever God wants, he can just take it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47h13u/a_protestant_jew_and_catholic/
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I called the rape advice hotline....

.... but they said it was only for victims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47gyc6/i_called_the_rape_advice_hotline/
%
A Doctor and A Chemist

A doctor and a chemist are chatting in a hospital. The doctor talks about how he's having trouble with a patient, to which the chemist replies,"Well, if you can't Curium and you can't Helium, then you might as well Barium."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47gxkn/a_doctor_and_a_chemist/
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What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?

♪ *Shady's back* ♪

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47gv12/what_part_of_the_body_did_the_chiropractor_fix/
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An airline joke my 83 YO dad sent me . Slightly NSFW

Dear Airlines:
Dump the male flight Attendants.  No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers!  What the hell!!  They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.  And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.  Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving money while the flight attendants jobs would be better paying than ever before.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.  Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.  We would not have any need for Air Marshalls, the TSA, etc.  This would make flying easier and safer again and would save even more money.
This is  definitely a win -- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Donald Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47grxd/an_airline_joke_my_83_yo_dad_sent_me_slightly_nsfw/
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Both of em?

Damo has sprained his ankle and his mate Mick comes round to see him.
Mick says, “How you goin?”
Damo says, “alright mate, but do me a favour, jog upstairs and grab me slippers, me toes are freezing.”
Mick goes upstairs and sees Damo's hot 18-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.”
“Fuck off" they say, "prove it.”
Mick shouts downstairs, “Damo, mate, both of em?”
Damo shouts back, “Of course both of em, what’s the point of fuckin one?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47grvu/both_of_em/
%
I tried to convince the grape that she had dried out...

But I just couldn't raisin with her.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47gnmt/i_tried_to_convince_the_grape_that_she_had_dried/
%
A 7 y/o asks his mom at the dinner table...

"Mom?"
"Yes, honey?"
"I can be whatever I want to be right?"
"Yes, dear."
"Then can I be a carnivore?"
"...Eat your vegetables."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47gm2n/a_7_yo_asks_his_mom_at_the_dinner_table/
%
I'm allergic to alcohol...

Every time I drink it, I break out in handcuffs...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ghx2/im_allergic_to_alcohol/
%
What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters?

Orange is the new black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47gh07/what_is_donald_trump_telling_barack_obama/
%
Who is Genius and Idiot- confused here?

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.
The genius says,
“Hey idiot, I would ask you some questions. You gotta give me $5 per question if you don’t know the answer and if you ask me a question and I can’t answer I will give you $5,000.”
Idiot accepts the offer.
Genius asks,
“How many continents are there in the world?”
The idiot didn’t know the answer so he hands over $5.
“can I ask you a question” said the Idiot.
“Yes, sure”, said Genius
“what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?”
The genius didn’t know the answer. He gave $5000 to the Idiot and asked,
“Snap, I lost. By the way, what is the answer?”
The idiot hands over $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ggjw/who_is_genius_and_idiot_confused_here/
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Famous last words of the father, when he killed his Son with a vacuum cleaner

Dyson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ggda/famous_last_words_of_the_father_when_he_killed/
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What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47g70t/whats_red_and_invisible/
%
What wears jeans and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A fridge wearing jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47g56l/what_wears_jeans_and_would_kill_you_if_it_fell/
%
What kind of bees get you high?

Doo-bees... I'm so sorry for that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47fdby/what_kind_of_bees_get_you_high/
%
What do you get when you cross a pickle with a deer?

A dill doe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47fa6b/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_pickle_with_a/
%
Why did the cell phone need glasses?

Because it ran out of contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47f9rz/why_did_the_cell_phone_need_glasses/
%
Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers?

I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47f8or/why_did_the_mexican_train_driver_kill_all_of_his/
%
A blonde was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriends dandruff problem...

The redhead says "why don't you give him head and shoulders."
The blonde replies "how do you give shoulders?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47f5g3/a_blonde_was_talking_to_her_redhead_friend_about/
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The prostitute and the gorilla

A prostitute is standing on a corner when a gorilla walks up to her. He grunts and gestures to an alley nearby. Business has been slow lately so she figures what the heck. As soon as they have some privacy the gorilla removes the prostitute's skirt and starts performing oral sex on her.
The gorilla finishes, stands up, and starts walking away. The prostitute says: "Hey! Where are you going? You need to pay me!"
The gorilla just stands there looking confused.
She pulls out her phone and Googles "prostitute" and shows him.
>a person, typically a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment.
He takes the phone from her and Googles "gorilla" and hands it back to her.
>a powerfully built great ape with a large head and short neck, found in the forests of central Africa. It is the largest living primate. Eats bushes and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47f45t/the_prostitute_and_the_gorilla/
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What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires tweetment and the other needs oinkment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47f31l/whats_the_difference_between_bird_flu_and_swine/
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What is the difference between Donald Trump and a bucket of cow manure?

the bucket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47euy1/what_is_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_a/
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I slept like a baby last night

I cried for hours and shit my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47epoi/i_slept_like_a_baby_last_night/
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Two hunters are strolling through the woods ...

When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.
In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"
"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard
"Okay, so now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47eme3/two_hunters_are_strolling_through_the_woods/
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Bubba and his three brothers Billy, Buck and Bob were driving their brand new truck one morning.

Suddenly they were rear ended by an old man. Furious, they pulled over and were about to beat the shit out of him.
Man - "Hold on, this is unfair. There are four of you and I'm just a weak old man."
Bubba - "You're right. Billy and Bob, you two fight on his side to make it even."
Buck - "But now it's three vs. two."
Bob - "You go home old man, we'll sort this out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47emc8/bubba_and_his_three_brothers_billy_buck_and_bob/
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My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ekp0/my_best_catholic_joke_as_told_by_my_priest/
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My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.

It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47edyr/my_wife_gained_more_than_100_pounds_during/
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What is a pedophile's favorite type of shoes?

White Vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47e71q/what_is_a_pedophiles_favorite_type_of_shoes/
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I'm not racist! I have like 3 friends!

And five of them are black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47e1x9/im_not_racist_i_have_like_3_friends/
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Ten minutes into "conspiracy theories and chill..."

...we start gettin *illuminaughty.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47dzib/ten_minutes_into_conspiracy_theories_and_chill/
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Three old ladies talking...

... one of them says: “I'm starting to have a bad memory. Yesterday i forgot if i already had lunch, so i did it again anyway”. The second one complements: “Me too. I was awake for about 10 minutes, forgot if i had sleep, and slept again anyway”.  The third one, trying to hide her memory problems, says: “You're going insane, your crazy old ladies, i'm tottaly fine". She, superstitious, proceeds to knock on the wood three times (toc, toc, toc). "Now excuse me, i'm going to answer the door".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47dz7l/three_old_ladies_talking/
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A midget walks into a bar

I guess it was set too low

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47dyu3/a_midget_walks_into_a_bar/
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Didn't I???

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47dyrp/didnt_i/
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How do you know when your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47dyao/how_do_you_know_when_your_roommate_is_gay/
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A drunk walks into a bathroom

and as he whips it out, a woman emerges from one of the stall and starts screaming "This is for the ladies!"
The drunk looks up at her, and starts waving his dick around saying "So's this, but you don't see me screaming about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47dwtm/a_drunk_walks_into_a_bathroom/
%
An old woman's husband dies

She wants to kill herself but she can't find her heart so she goes to the doctor and asks him, "Doctor where is my heart?" The doctor says,  "Right behind your left breast." She goes home gets naked and shoots herself in the knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47dtbs/an_old_womans_husband_dies/
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Irish guy in a pub...

Irish guy named Shaughn walks into a bar in County Clare. He orders three beers, sits by himself, and drinks them. The pub keeper thinks it is strange but doesn't say anything. He does this every afternoon for the next 6 months. He comes in, orders three beers, and drinks them by himself. Finally the pub keeper has to ask why he does this and Shaughn replies, "I have two brothers and one lives in the US and one in Australia. We have vowed that whenever we drink we will have a beer for the other two as well." Soon the guy becomes a local celebrity. He becomes known as "Three Beers Shaughn". Everyone is touched by his sentiment to his brothers. Until one February day he walks in and orders two beers and drinks them down. The pub keeper is very worried. He thinks something must have happened to one of his brothers. The next day, the same thing happens. And then the next. The pub keeper feels like he needs to ask him if everyone is okay. Shaughn replies, "no worries, Laddy. My brothers are alive and well. In fact, these two beers are for them. I have given up drinking for Lent".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47dlno/irish_guy_in_a_pub/
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Street Performer

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are standing watching street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47diwr/street_performer/
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Scream is heard from the bathroom

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47dibv/scream_is_heard_from_the_bathroom/
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A joke walks into a bar...

So the bartender says "Can I help you?"
And the Joke says "Nah I'm good I'm just waiting for a couple Jews"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47dfpm/a_joke_walks_into_a_bar/
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Women are like cars.

We want the ones that look AND work the best, but none of us have the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47d8ov/women_are_like_cars/
%
No matter how nice your kids are...

..German children are Kinder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47d7yl/no_matter_how_nice_your_kids_are/
%
A group of wealthy gentlemen were sitting at a luncheon arguing over who made the most money...

Man #1 says "I am the wealthiest man here. I am a banker. Every month, I make a handsome profit in the interests on all my loans at once."
Man #2 says "Ah, but I own the operations of a massive oil production. I never even have to work and every quarter my profits triple because demand is so great."
Man #3 laughs and says "I am clearly the richest person here. I own the pieces of land you both use to run your businesses. I own the most important real estate in cities across the country."
Finally they looked upon the last man who they hadn't recognized. One of the men asked "My good sir, what do you do? Are you richer than any of us?"
The man reached into his wallet and took out small pictures and handed them to each of the other men. They began to shuffle uncomfortably.
"But sir," one of them began to say, "Why do you have pictures of our wives in your possession?"
The 4th man replied "I run an alimony enterprise, and those women are some of my best workers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47d6hs/a_group_of_wealthy_gentlemen_were_sitting_at_a/
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post-graduate plans

My college counselor asked me what my post-graduate plans were, and I told her I was interested in cleaning mirrors. When she asked why, I just shrugged and told her it was a job I could see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47d27w/postgraduate_plans/
%
"You aren't so good in bed either!"

“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47d177/you_arent_so_good_in_bed_either/
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Mahatma Gandhi

, as many people know, walked barefoot most of the time, leading to an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47cxsk/mahatma_gandhi/
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How do you say "bra" in German?

Datshud kiepem frem flopen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47cx5f/how_do_you_say_bra_in_german/
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A 17-year old dude goes to the pharmacy

.
"Hello mister, i'll be at my new girlfriends house for dinner today... you know.. become acquainted with her parents and so on. After the dinner though, i'm probably gonna have some sexy time my girlfriend. You know the deal.
So is there something you could suggest me?
"Well.. i'd suggest some... condoms?
"Well.. uhm.. sounds cool.. I.. will take some"
As he is about to leave the pharmacy he stops and returns.
"Wait a second. You know... her mum... she's hot af... and maybe i could assort some.. you know.. sexy time with her as well.
You know what.. ima take some more condoms."
Later at the dinner the young man is completely silent and is just looking at the table.
His girlfriend says.
"If i'd known you're gonna be all silent and stuff i wouldnt have invited you to this dinner!?"
The young man then answers:
"If i'd had known your dad is a pharmacist i wouldnt even be here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47cw9t/a_17year_old_dude_goes_to_the_pharmacy/
%
My car was making this annoying sound . . .

. . . so I went to see a mechanic.
Me: My car is making an annoying sound.
Mechanic: Easy fix.  Reach over. Open the door. And push her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47cvwi/my_car_was_making_this_annoying_sound/
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Little Jimmy goes to school

Every day in school, Little Jimmy swears in the classroom when teacher isn't around. After a while, girls in class goes to teacher and tell him that Jimmy swears a lot. Teacher tells them to run away from classroom screaming when Jimmy swears again.
Next day, Little Jimmy is coming later than usual.
"Jimmy, why are you late?", someone asked.
Jimmy: "I would come right in time, but on the way to school, some workers started building a fucking brothel, so I had to go around and I arrived late."
Girls, hearing Jimmy swear, start running away and screaming.
Jimmy: "Where the hell are you running whores, they just finished the foundations!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47co2n/little_jimmy_goes_to_school/
%
Google+ is the gym of social networking.

We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47cme5/google_is_the_gym_of_social_networking/
%
What do you call a gay fascist leader?

A Dicktaker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ckng/what_do_you_call_a_gay_fascist_leader/
%
What's the difference between light and hard?

I can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ck8p/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
A paraplegic got prosthetic legs for a single day before they broke.

He had a one night stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ck3i/a_paraplegic_got_prosthetic_legs_for_a_single_day/
%
What do graphic designers smoke up to get high?

Adobe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47cd3f/what_do_graphic_designers_smoke_up_to_get_high/
%
A bear walks into a bar...

And says to the barman: "Give me a gin..."
.
.
.
"And tonic."
The barman, curious, asks while preparing the drink: "Hey mate, why the big pause?"
To what the bear replies "I don't know... I guess my father had them too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47cc1r/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A koala walks into a barber shop

and hops up into the chair.  He points to the excess fur that has grown around his ears and asks the barber, "Can eucalyptus?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47c6ba/a_koala_walks_into_a_barber_shop/
%
Did you hear that they're producing an action movie about a team of crime-fighting composers?

They already approached Arnold Schwarzenegger about playing fellow Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but he said "no, I'll be Bach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47c4r4/did_you_hear_that_theyre_producing_an_action/
%
My wife is leaving me

I was having sex with her twin when she came in. I tried telling her I was doing it because thought it was her. She didn't buy it.
It didn't help that his dick was in my ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47c31e/my_wife_is_leaving_me/
%
Guys, police jokes aren't funny.

So give it arrest. (I'm so sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47c0nq/guys_police_jokes_arent_funny/
%
What's the worst part about meeting someone with Parkinson's?

Shaking hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47bz63/whats_the_worst_part_about_meeting_someone_with/
%
What did the right Pussy lip say to the left Pussy lip?

"we were pretty tight before you let that dick come between us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47brgu/what_did_the_right_pussy_lip_say_to_the_left/
%
What did the Muslim on a surfboard say?

Aloha Akbar!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47bqhj/what_did_the_muslim_on_a_surfboard_say/
%
I once dropped my watch at a party...

...minutes later, I found it on the floor. A man was stepping on it while sexually harassing a woman. I approached them and I punched the man in the face. No one does that to a girl... not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47bobc/i_once_dropped_my_watch_at_a_party/
%
"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47bmfr/silent_farts_that_dont_stink/
%
A German boy band that plays some insane classical stuff.

Bachstreet Boys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47bizl/a_german_boy_band_that_plays_some_insane/
%
Heat or cold

Which one travels faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47bizi/heat_or_cold/
%
The undertakers dirty secret.... (kinda nsfw)

A man was having a quiet beer with a friendly undertaker. After a few drinks he built up the courage to ask him "you must have some crazy work stories?" The undertaker quietly nodded as he finished his beer. He went on to explain "the woman's vaginas change, quite dramatically". "Go on..." insists the man "well they kinda turn into a gherkin" said the undertaker. The man looked confused and asked "What, you mean green?" To which the undertaker said "No, salty".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47bia9/the_undertakers_dirty_secret_kinda_nsfw/
%
Whats similar with a Dick and a Rubik Cube?

If you play with it, it gets harder...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47bh7i/whats_similar_with_a_dick_and_a_rubik_cube/
%
Doctor Doctor! I'm turning invisible!

Yes.. I can see your not all there..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47bgnd/doctor_doctor_im_turning_invisible/
%
Are instant noodles male or female?

Male. Cause they get ready in a couple of minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47bfhv/are_instant_noodles_male_or_female/
%
"Excuse me" I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus

"You have some semen on the back of your jacket."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt."
I replied her "It's definitely semen,
I don't ejaculate yogurt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47bf9g/excuse_me_i_said_to_the_woman_sat_in_front_of_me/
%
One fine day..

One fine day in the middle of the night
two dead boys rose up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
pulled out knives and shot each other.
Two deaf policeman heard the noise
and ran to save the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47bf43/one_fine_day/
%
If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If life gives you melons...

You might have sex daily!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47bev9/if_life_gives_you_lemons_you_make_lemonade_if/
%
What Reddit taught me...

If I'm doing that too much, I should do it again after 51 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47b9m0/what_reddit_taught_me/
%
Pessimist : The glass is half empty Optimist : The glass is half full

Feminist : The glass is being raped﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47b6z2/pessimist_the_glass_is_half_empty_optimist_the/
%
Why did the programmer quit his job?

He didn't get arrays...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47b5qu/why_did_the_programmer_quit_his_job/
%
Did you hear about the protestors killing the circus?

They went straight for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ax6l/did_you_hear_about_the_protestors_killing_the/
%
Fish Joke of the Day

I want to krill myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47awks/fish_joke_of_the_day/
%
This gets darker as it progresses, so caution *NSFW*

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?
And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo-and-behold, I'm positive.
This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"
"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47avdj/this_gets_darker_as_it_progresses_so_caution_nsfw/
%
An Irishman offended everyone in the pub by making witty jokes about their mums. What was his name?

O'Byrne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47amci/an_irishman_offended_everyone_in_the_pub_by/
%
TIL that a class was taught by the wrong stand in teacher and the students knowingly went along with it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47alt7/til_that_a_class_was_taught_by_the_wrong_stand_in/
%
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention

, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47alds/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class_and_she_sees_that/
%
"How did you do in the porno auditions?"

"Well, I got some small parts."
"Ah, well that certainly doesn't help, does it?"
&nbsp;
^[OC]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ak3m/how_did_you_do_in_the_porno_auditions/
%
Was there a good turnout at the Bernie Sanders rally?

There were a lot of people, but I wouldn't say it was super pac'd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ajhn/was_there_a_good_turnout_at_the_bernie_sanders/
%
Why was the man arrested at the farmers' market?

He was caught taking a leek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47ahs9/why_was_the_man_arrested_at_the_farmers_market/
%
Trumps wives were immigrants

Proving again that they'll do jobs Americans won't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47afou/trumps_wives_were_immigrants/
%
So a woman consults a lawyer saying that she wanted a divorce...

Lawyer: Do you have grounds?
Woman: Yeah, we have an acre and a half
L: No, that's not what I meant. Look, do you have a grudge?
W: Yeah, we have one for 2 cars behind the house
L: No. Look lady, does your husband beat you up?
W: No, I get up about a half hour before he does
L: Why do you want a divorce?
W: Well, we seem to have a communication problem...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47aas4/so_a_woman_consults_a_lawyer_saying_that_she/
%
Why did princess Diana cross the street?

Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47a302/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_street/
%
A man walks into a whorehouse with 5 bucks

"What can I get for 5 bucks?" The man says.
"well for that much you can have sandpaper sally" the madam replys. The man agrees and he goes upstairs with sandpaper sally. As they start having sex he quickly realizes that it feels rough like sandpaper inside her.
"Now I know why they call you sandpaper sally!" he says.
She gets up and goes to the bathroom, 5 minutes later she comes back and they start to have sex again. This time it's some of the best sex he's ever had. After they're done and they're laying in bed he asks "what did you do in the bathroom that made such a big difference?"
She replys "I just picked out all the scabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/479zmq/a_man_walks_into_a_whorehouse_with_5_bucks/
%
Did you know that NASA sent a bunch of cows into orbit?

It was the herd shot round the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/479y7l/did_you_know_that_nasa_sent_a_bunch_of_cows_into/
%
A man hires a $10 hooker and gets crabs...

He goes back with the hooker and complaints , she says "what were you expecting for 10 bucks? Lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/479vp0/a_man_hires_a_10_hooker_and_gets_crabs/
%
A middle-aged Jew goes into a confessional

He sits down and the priest says "Why are you here, my son?"
The man says "Father, I'm a 53-year-old accountant, I'm short, balding, and overweight. Last night I had wild, passionate sex with a gorgeous blonde college cheerleader."
The priest looks at the partition, puzzled. "Chaim Goldstein?" he asks. "You're Jewish - why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling EVERYBODY!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/479qu1/a_middleaged_jew_goes_into_a_confessional/
%
Someone blew up a department store because they didn't stock basic clothing...

There were no casual tees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/479nym/someone_blew_up_a_department_store_because_they/
%
Did you hear about the obese millionaire?

He has a four chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/479n2z/did_you_hear_about_the_obese_millionaire/
%
What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with?

Meesathelioma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4799ke/what_kind_of_cancer_was_jar_jar_diagnosed_with/
%
Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of shredded cheese . . .

so he can make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47960n/donald_trump_wants_to_ban_the_sale_of_shredded/
%
A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife...

A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when his wife died suddenly.
When making the arrangements, the undertaker said:
"It will cost £5,000 to send her home for burial or £50 to bury her here."
So the Scotsman said to send her home.
"But sir!", the undertaker exclaimed, "why don't you just bury her here in the Holy Land and save the money?"
"Listen here, pal", said the Scotsman. "A long time ago, a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose again..."
"SHE'S GAWN FUCKIN HAME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4791kh/a_scotsman_and_his_ever_nagging_wife/
%
There's five people on a plane...

A doctor, a preacher, a lawyer, a young boy, and the pilot.
The pilot comes on the intercom mid-flight screaming "Mayday! Mayday! The plane is going to crash! Now listen up: there's only four parachutes on this plane and five of us, so you guys decide who's staying with the plane, but I'm jumping!" And with that, the pilot grabs a parachute and leaves the doomed plane.
The doctor comes before the other passengers of the plane and says "As a doctor, I've used my medical skills to save hundreds of lives, and if I escape, I'll be able to save hundreds more." The rest of the passengers satisfied with his response, they let the doctor grab a parachute and leave the plane.
The lawyer, very disheveled, comes before the preacher and the boy and says "As a lawyer, I've used my legal knowledge to crack hundreds of cases and I'm probably the smartest man in the world, so I deserve to live!" Before the boy and the preacher can react, the lawyer grabs a pack and jumps.
The preacher comes before the boy, getting on one knee and placing a hand on his shoulder. "Son," he begins, "as a preacher, I've lived a long and dutiful life in service to the Lord, and I have no doubt that when this plane crashes, I'll be taking my place at my Father's table. You have your entire life ahead of you, so you take the last parachute and go."
Unfazed, the kid hands the preacher a parachute and says "Don't worry, take this one: the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack!"
---
Since I want to be a lawyer, I've heard my fair share of lawyer jokes. I heard this one today from my State and Local Gov. teacher, and I think it's my new favorite!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/478zxl/theres_five_people_on_a_plane/
%
Two fish are in a tank..

And one looks at the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/478vi1/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
Last night I thought I heard the spring onions singing Bee Gees songs in my fridge.

When I opened the door I realised it was just the chives talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/478ulq/last_night_i_thought_i_heard_the_spring_onions/
%
A phone rings - Hi, this is NSA.

Hi, yeah I know.
You do? How?
Well you are calling a phone that has no SIM card or battery in it.
^((Translated from Russian, I don't think much is lost by replacing FSB))

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/478t57/a_phone_rings_hi_this_is_nsa/
%
What programming language do they use in Star Wars?

JawaScript

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/478rb2/what_programming_language_do_they_use_in_star_wars/
%
"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," said my dad.

"Are you kidding? Really?!" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/478nfz/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted/
%
What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef Strokin' Off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/478jqd/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
%
"Mickey Mouse, it says you want to divorce Minnie because she was...

extremely silly?"
"No, I said she was fucking Goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/478hpd/mickey_mouse_it_says_you_want_to_divorce_minnie/
%
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/478ccu/im_reading_a_book_about_antigravity/
%
Today a man came to my door asking for donations for the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4785a7/today_a_man_came_to_my_door_asking_for_donations/
%
What car does Jesus drive?

A Chrysler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4784yo/what_car_does_jesus_drive/
%
Yesterday I farted in a Apple Store and everyone got mad at me

It's not my fault they don't have Windows﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47842e/yesterday_i_farted_in_a_apple_store_and_everyone/
%
During a prison break, I saw a midget climb the fence of the prison yard. As he jumped down, he sneered at me...

I thought to myself, "well, that was a little con-descending."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4782y6/during_a_prison_break_i_saw_a_midget_climb_the/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4782sd/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
Do you know the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?

Well, the people in Dubai don't like the Flinstones, but the people in Abu-Dhabi-Do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/477vqi/do_you_know_the_difference_between_people_in/
%
1995: A Chinese Official is conversing with a Russian citizen...

...Chinese Official, "You have nothing in Russia."
Russian, "Oh yeah, we have Yeltsin."
Chinese Offical, "Then we will steal your Yeltsin.
Russian, "If you take Yeltsin you'll have nothing in China."
Disclaimer: This joke is not mine, it was told to my father during his stay in Russia in the year 1995.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/477u71/1995_a_chinese_official_is_conversing_with_a/
%
What sucks most about German food?

Their sausage is the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/477tm3/what_sucks_most_about_german_food/
%
a man comes into a bar...

or was it a horse?
yeah i think it was a horse.
so a man comes into a horse....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/477tj7/a_man_comes_into_a_bar/
%
Wife and i need a vacation.

So my wife and i needed a vacation, however didn't have the money. So my wife suggests that for one year every time we have sex we put $20 in a jar, at the end of the year we use the moeny to pay for a trip. A year goes by and we decide to count the money.. I count it and tell the wife we have $1200, but then i ask her i thought we agreed to only put $20 in the jar, why are there $50 and $100 bills? My wife replied, not everyone is as cheap as you!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/477nwd/wife_and_i_need_a_vacation/
%
While in my car I drove beneath an overpass that was getting some work done on it

I was under construction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/477lzd/while_in_my_car_i_drove_beneath_an_overpass_that/
%
Do you know why I like camping?

Because it's intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/477hp7/do_you_know_why_i_like_camping/
%
What is the difference between the avian flu and the swine flu?

One requires a tweetment and the other need an oinkment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/477gpi/what_is_the_difference_between_the_avian_flu_and/
%
I almost got caught stealing a board game today...

but it was a Risk I was willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/477gjb/i_almost_got_caught_stealing_a_board_game_today/
%
An atheist, a vegan and a crossfitter walk into a bar.

I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/477erw/an_atheist_a_vegan_and_a_crossfitter_walk_into_a/
%
I asked God for a bike...

... but then realized that is not how God works.  So I stole some kid's bike and asked God for forgiveness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/477cc3/i_asked_god_for_a_bike/
%
If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit.....

.....join the Euphemism Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/477bdo/if_you_like_a_lot_of_chocolate_on_your_biscuit/
%
Why do fencers make terrible Redditors?

They always riposte. ^^^^^^^^this ^^^^^^^^is ^^^^^^^^a ^^^^^^^^riposte ^^^^^^^^too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/477b4u/why_do_fencers_make_terrible_redditors/
%
Questions and Answers between "Teacher and Student"

Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4779zs/questions_and_answers_between_teacher_and_student/
%
I like my women like I like my wine...

18 years old and locked in my basement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4773tv/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_wine/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tits a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/476zbd/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
What's the worst part about being a pedophile?

Trying to fit in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/476waa/whats_the_worst_part_about_being_a_pedophile/
%
What happened when Steve Irwin forgot to put on sunscreen?

He got hurt from harmful rays

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/476uu6/what_happened_when_steve_irwin_forgot_to_put_on/
%
Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/476u7p/who_wears_a_red_suit_and_knows_if_you_were/
%
What's the difference between a woman and a laundry machine?

When I dump a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around after

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/476u5l/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
%
What does the grim reaper and a pedophile have in common?

They both take people before their time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/476o4u/what_does_the_grim_reaper_and_a_pedophile_have_in/
%
What's the difference between a thug and a phone charger?

A phone charger charges batteries, but a thug has battery charges

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/476mry/whats_the_difference_between_a_thug_and_a_phone/
%
What do scientists wear?

Kelvin Klein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/476liz/what_do_scientists_wear/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/476kc6/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Milkman

A married lady got bored with her husband so she started having an affair with the milkman.
One afternoon the milkman drops by and they're gonna start doin it.
The lady is super excited, gets naked, hops in the bathtub and says, "just fill it up!!!"
The milkman says "do you  want the milk pasteurized?"
The lady says "no that's okay I just want it up to my boobs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/476eub/milkman/
%
Why did the miner feel so low?

He was in a deep depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/476d7w/why_did_the_miner_feel_so_low/
%
What kind of health insurance does a llama need?

Ollamacare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4768mq/what_kind_of_health_insurance_does_a_llama_need/
%
Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4763gn/yesterday_i_saw_an_ad_that_said_radio_for_sale_1/
%
Women are like numbers ...

* Some are Rational, but infinitely more are Irrational.
* The Real ones might be Proper or Improper, but only the Imaginary ones are ever Pure.
* Some are Natural, the rest are Negative, or just not there.
* Some are Prime, but those are hard to find.
* Every other one is just plain Odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/475xfo/women_are_like_numbers/
%
Hi, I would like to hear a TCP joke.

Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke.
OK, I'll hear a TCP joke.
Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.
OK, I'm ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have a setting and will end with a punchline.
I'm sorry, your connection has timed out... ...Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/475ppy/hi_i_would_like_to_hear_a_tcp_joke/
%
Pregnant Eskimo

What did the eskimo say when her water broke?
Oh no, my ice cracked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/475ij8/pregnant_eskimo/
%
Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/475hmp/do_you_really_think_i_asked_for_a_10_inch/
%
Ever heard of a 6.9?

It's just another great thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/475hdy/ever_heard_of_a_69/
%
A frog goes into a bank...

and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that its ok, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "sure I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she will have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "there's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral".
She holds up the tiny pink elephant and asks, "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "it's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/475evv/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
%
Having a girlfriend is like having a car...

... I don't have a car :'(.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/475e6k/having_a_girlfriend_is_like_having_a_car/
%
Married couple in their 40s walk into a marriage counselor's office.

Counselor: What seems to be the problem?
Immediately both husband and wife begin complaining about each other's faults.
Counselor: Whoa, wait. Let's try again and this time, let's try to talk about areas you have some common ground.
Husband: Well, neither of us suck dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/475e3q/married_couple_in_their_40s_walk_into_a_marriage/
%
My buddy joined Christian Mingle... it's going pretty well,

He got nailed three times in one night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/475aq0/my_buddy_joined_christian_mingle_its_going_pretty/
%
Did you hear about the blonde who froze to death at the drive in theater?

She went to see Closed for the winter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4759j6/did_you_hear_about_the_blonde_who_froze_to_death/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

It's a really neat bar, clean, good music, but empty. Only the bartender is standing behind the counter.
So the man sits at the bar, orders a beer, and asks:
"Hey that's a really cool bar you got there, how come it's all empty?"
Bartender replies:
You see those tables? I made them. I cut the wood, shaped it, fixed it. You think people on the streets are saying "hey, that's Sam's bar, he made his tables himself"?
No. They don't say that.
You see that barstool you're sitting on? I made it. I cut the wood, shaped it, fixed it. You think people on the street are saying "hey, that's sam's bar, he's so perfectionist he made his stools himself"?
No. They don't say that.
...
But you f*ck a goat just ONCE...!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47569a/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The guy who invented the velcro died last week

RIP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47554k/the_guy_who_invented_the_velcro_died_last_week/
%
A man goes to a Brothel with $5...

A man goes to a whorehouse in an attempt to get some action, but only has $5.
He asks for the cheapest prostitute in the place, and he is directed to a woman named Sally.
He pays Sally the $5 and they start to have sex.
"Ouch, now I know why they call you sandpaper Sally." The man exclaimed.
Sally leaves the room and returns 5 minutes later, and they try sex again.
Man: "What the hell happened? That's the best sex I've ever had!"
Sally:"Oh, I just picked my scabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/474zuk/a_man_goes_to_a_brothel_with_5/
%
I was offered sex with a 18 year old girl today

In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/474xso/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_18_year_old_girl_today/
%
Two fish were in a tank...

One fish says to the other "You man the guns, i'll drive"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/474xsj/two_fish_were_in_a_tank/
%
I walked into a room full of people masturbating

They looked surprised when I didn't stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/474wxo/i_walked_into_a_room_full_of_people_masturbating/
%
Someone told me my clothes were gay..

I told them they came out of the closet this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/474wsk/someone_told_me_my_clothes_were_gay/
%
What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't unlock the door?

Triforce.
*Not my joke, discovered it in my old 90's Nintendo Power magazine*
*EDIT*  just realized someone found the same gems that i did
https://www.reddit.com/r/zelda/comments/3t1qt4/some_classic_zelda_jokes_from_an_old_issue_of/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/474rgh/what_did_zelda_tell_link_when_he_couldnt_unlock/
%
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye, matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/474nej/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
%
How is a hipster like a pedophile?

They both get into things before it's cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/474lvm/how_is_a_hipster_like_a_pedophile/
%
I came up with a phrase for the female version of a dick pick.

Slot shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/474k0w/i_came_up_with_a_phrase_for_the_female_version_of/
%
Put the punchline in the title.

How to ruin a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/474joy/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
%
I asked God for a bike

But I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked God for forgiveness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/474izz/i_asked_god_for_a_bike/
%
A young man in the 60's goes to pick up his date

Her dad opens the door and invites him in.
After exchanging pleasantries, her father learns he's taking her to a dance.
Her dad says "Wow! How exciting. Now there's one thing you should know. My daughter loves to screw. She would screw all night if she could."
The young man's eyes light up, as his night will be going better than expected.
His date comes down shortly after, and with a big smile he takes her to the dance.
An hour later, the front door slams and the girl marches up to her dad and yells "DAMNIT DAD! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/474gmo/a_young_man_in_the_60s_goes_to_pick_up_his_date/
%
My wife called me a "panty dropper."

She said to be more careful with the laundry next time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/474bso/my_wife_called_me_a_panty_dropper/
%
What do xbox services and prostitutes have in common?

They both take my money then go down on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/474b88/what_do_xbox_services_and_prostitutes_have_in/
%
I've been married to my wife for 27 years but it feels like 27 minutes.

...under water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4745n6/ive_been_married_to_my_wife_for_27_years_but_it/
%
A blonde tells her friend

"I completed a jigsaw puzzle in record time!"
"No way! How long did it take you?" Replied her friend
"6 months"
"That cannot be a record time!'
" Well the box said from 1 to 3 years"
Sorry for bad English, original was in Spanish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4743j0/a_blonde_tells_her_friend/
%
Alabama changed the legal drinking age to 33.

They're trying to keep it out of high schools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4741k8/alabama_changed_the_legal_drinking_age_to_33/
%
What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range?

Router Limits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47415h/what_is_it_called_when_you_are_on_the_edge_of/
%
Teacher and Student

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4740vy/teacher_and_student/
%
How do you kill a circus clown?

Go for the juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/473x6a/how_do_you_kill_a_circus_clown/
%
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all pregnant, are in the waiting room for the OB/GYN....

The brunette says "I was on top, so I'm gonna have a boy."
The redhead says "I was on the bottom, so I'm gonna have a girl."
The blonde bursts into tears and says, "I'm gonna have puppies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/473r61/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_all_pregnant/
%
A teacher...

A teacher is playing a guessing game with her students:
"Alright class, I'm thinking of something: it's round, it's red"
An enthusiastic student interrupts
"Teacher! Teacher I know what it is, It's a tomato!"
"No, it's an apple" replied the teacher, "But I like the way you think".
"Let's try again, I'm thinking of something: it's long, it's yellow"
The same student interrupts again "Teacher! Teacher I know what it is, it's a banana!"
"No, it's a pencil" replied the teacher, "But I like the way you think".
Having gotten the hang of the game the student says "Teacher I have one for you, I'm thinking of something: it's in my pants, it's hard, it's got a head on it"
Blushing and embarrassed the teacher shrieks "GO TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE!!!!"
"No teacher its a quarter" he replied "But I like the way you think".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/473qhw/a_teacher/
%
Why doesn't the melon get married?

Because it cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/473q32/why_doesnt_the_melon_get_married/
%
I donated a large amount of money to a rape clinic..

I wouldn't take no as an answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/473mqm/i_donated_a_large_amount_of_money_to_a_rape_clinic/
%
How do you tell if your girlfriend's ticklish?

You give her a test tickle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/473lrj/how_do_you_tell_if_your_girlfriends_ticklish/
%
Why Did The Man With One Hand Go To The Shopping Centre?

To go to the second hand shop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/473l4u/why_did_the_man_with_one_hand_go_to_the_shopping/
%
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/473ihq/the_guy_who_invented_throat_lozenges_died_last/
%
What is the difference between an Olympic runner and Hitler?

An Olympic runner can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/473iho/what_is_the_difference_between_an_olympic_runner/
%
What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/473i77/whats_a_horny_pirates_worst_nightmare/
%
Police arrest two kids

. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/473d0d/police_arrest_two_kids/
%
A cop stopped a guy for speeding

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
He said, "There is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/473cxm/a_cop_stopped_a_guy_for_speeding/
%
A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...

He asks, "how much for full sex?"
"$50" she replies.
"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.
Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.
"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."
"Sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife."
Paddy shouts, "neither did I till you shone the fucking torch in her face!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/473bjo/a_very_drunk_paddy_meets_a_prostitute_up_an_alley/
%
Why aren't there many jokes about the Jim Jones massacre?

There would have been, but the punch line was too long...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47348s/why_arent_there_many_jokes_about_the_jim_jones/
%
So I was applying for Art school...

I made sure to remind them what happened when Hitler wasn't accepted to art school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4731hc/so_i_was_applying_for_art_school/
%
THE ARMY HOSPITAL

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/472vgu/the_army_hospital/
%
Where did Noah keep his bees?

The Ark Hives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/472jve/where_did_noah_keep_his_bees/
%
I became a banker.

Then I lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/472h23/i_became_a_banker/
%
Why was the EDM producer bad at fishing?

Because he kept dropping the bass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/472gjj/why_was_the_edm_producer_bad_at_fishing/
%
My girlfriend told me I was one in a million...

When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/472faa/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_was_one_in_a_million/
%
A geneticist is having sex...

During foreplay, the geneticist's partner kept moaning "Aug, aug, AUG!"
The geneticist later proclaims, "I don't know where to start!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/472d1w/a_geneticist_is_having_sex/
%
Did you hear about the pirate who got in trouble at work?

He was reported to H-arrrrr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4729ws/did_you_hear_about_the_pirate_who_got_in_trouble/
%
Don't trust an atom...

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4729js/dont_trust_an_atom/
%
Just like winning the lottery...

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery.
To my horror they were right.....we had 6 matching balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4725h7/just_like_winning_the_lottery/
%
I'm thinking of starting a business will use free child labor in exchange for temporary housing.

Although I don't know if I can compete with the Girl Scouts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4723ky/im_thinking_of_starting_a_business_will_use_free/
%
Light beer is like having sex in a canoe...

It's fucking close to water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4721ug/light_beer_is_like_having_sex_in_a_canoe/
%
I asked my Necrophiliac friend if she would ever have sex with me

She replied, "Over your dead body".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/471w7r/i_asked_my_necrophiliac_friend_if_she_would_ever/
%
Toilet humor

Why was the toilet scared?
Because shit was about to go down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/471tw4/toilet_humor/
%
An American man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man are all flying on a plane....

When the captain comes out of the cockpit and yells that they've lost an engine and need to lose any excess weight immediately. The Chinese man throws a bag of rice out of the plane and says "in my country we have too much rice." The Mexican man follows the Chinese man and throws out a bag of beans and says "well in my country we have too many beans." The American man, not wanting to be left out, goes to the back of the plane. He grabbed the Mexican man and threw him out of the plane and says "....that bastard fucked my wife!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/471t4x/an_american_man_a_chinese_man_and_a_mexican_man/
%
A man goes to a brothel.

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied,
"I wan to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam.
He replied,
"No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row."
"Where are you from?"
The man replied,
" New Brunswick ."
"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ."
"I know." the man said.
"Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/471n9v/a_man_goes_to_a_brothel/
%
Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and hanging around freely.

It's women who make it hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/471kim/life_is_like_a_penis_simple_relaxed_and_hanging/
%
A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river...

The brunette yells across, "Help me get to the other side of the river!"
The blonde yells back, "You *are* on the other side of the river!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/471jpz/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_on_opposite_sides_of/
%
Why was the Amish girl kicked out of her community?

Too Mennonite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/471haz/why_was_the_amish_girl_kicked_out_of_her_community/
%
Why couldn't Mark think of a dad joke?

Mark is black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/471fwo/why_couldnt_mark_think_of_a_dad_joke/
%
Exercising Grandmother

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/471am3/exercising_grandmother/
%
What is the network admin favourite lullaby?

Mary had a little LAN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/470s31/what_is_the_network_admin_favourite_lullaby/
%
Punishment - joke

A student is talking to his teacher.
Student: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
Teacher:" Of course not."
Student: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/470og7/punishment_joke/
%
What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a marathon full of feminists?

The tribe of pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/470fs2/whats_the_difference_between_a_tribe_of_pygmies/
%
I want to write a mystery novel.

Or Do I ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/470e55/i_want_to_write_a_mystery_novel/
%
A blonde gets a tattoo...

On her inner thigh of a conch shell.
Her friend asks "Why a conch shell, and why there of all places?"
"So that when you put your ear against it, you can smell the ocean."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/470blw/a_blonde_gets_a_tattoo/
%
What does a Mermaid bring to math class?

An algae-bra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4709oq/what_does_a_mermaid_bring_to_math_class/
%
Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4707kt/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
An American, an Englishman and a Japanese man.....

.... were all seeking work on a building site. The foreman looks at them each and says "Ok, you Americans are hard workers, you can mix the cement, you British are good craftsmen, you can lay the bricks and you Japanese are good with logistics, you can be in charge of supplies."
The American and the Englishman set to work, mixing away and laying the bricks until quite an impressive wall has been built, exactly to specification. But soon the bricks, sand and cement powder start to run out and the Japanese guy is nowhere to be seen. Finally the materials are all gone and they have to stop building. They go to see where he has gone. The foreman hasn't seen him, the workshop hasn't seen him, in fact no one else on the building site has seen him since he started working there. They start to get very worried and search the whole site for him, thinking the worst... as they approach a large pile of rubble suddenly the Japanese guy jumps up in to the air smiling and shouts "Supplies"!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4706mo/an_american_an_englishman_and_a_japanese_man/
%
Four Nuns walk into Heaven...

The four of them line up at the Pearly Gates before St. Peter, who stands beside a bowl of Holy Water. Each Nun having only committed one sin in life, are each given the opportunity to wash away the sin before entering Heaven.
The first Nun approaches St. Peter and the Holy Water.
"I once looked at a penis" she says, before washing her face and eyes in the water. St. Peter smiles and opens the gates for her. The next nun approaches the Gate and proclaims "I once touched a penis". She carefully washes her hands in the water before walking into Heaven. Suddenly, the fourth Nun in line darts ahead of the third Nun and leans towards the water when St. Peter stops her.
"Why have you skipped ahead in the line, sister?" He asks.
She points at the Nun behind her. "Well, I wanted to drink the water before she sits in it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4704ww/four_nuns_walk_into_heaven/
%
The Pope's Alaska Visit

The Pope went on vacation to visit Alaska. He was cruising in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Bernie' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug into the bear's chest. The other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the loggers finished off the bear. The men dragged the grizzly onto the bed of their pick-up truck and tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed "I have heard there was bitter hatred between loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked, "Who was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is our bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get a fresh one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47032h/the_popes_alaska_visit/
%
You can't joke with a kleptomaniac...

They take everything, literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4702tg/you_cant_joke_with_a_kleptomaniac/
%
How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day?

F5
(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/470198/how_does_steven_hawking_refresh_after_a_long_work/
%
How do you make a Bloody Nicole?

Like a Bloody Mary, but with a stab of OJ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4700mv/how_do_you_make_a_bloody_nicole/
%
I know they say that looks aren't everything...

But have you ever tried wanking to personality?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4700h3/i_know_they_say_that_looks_arent_everything/
%
How do you ruin a joke?

By explaining it.
Because you know, jokes are supposed to be understood implicitly, without you having to say the reason behind why the punchline is funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46zzu6/how_do_you_ruin_a_joke/
%
(Dirty!) Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46zypk/dirty_why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
What can turn a fox into an elephant?

A marriage certificate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46zwo8/what_can_turn_a_fox_into_an_elephant/
%
What is the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits the windscreen?

Its arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46zuvr/what_is_the_last_thing_to_go_through_a_bugs_mind/
%
Buddy's been driving all night, sees a roadside bar and stops for a much-needed cold beer.

Bouncer says "sorry bud, gotta have a tie to get in".
Buddy goes to his car, roots thru the trunk and can't find a tie. Grabs his jumper cables and wraps them around his neck.
Bouncer says "cool man, come on in...just don't start anything".
....I'll see myself out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46zrhg/buddys_been_driving_all_night_sees_a_roadside_bar/
%
What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all your devices & accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46zni2/whats_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
%
What do you call an alligator that wins a race?

A chompion.
(7-year old me thought he was very clever.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46zkr8/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_that_wins_a_race/
%
Do you know what I call my hiking playlist?

My trail mix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46zh36/do_you_know_what_i_call_my_hiking_playlist/
%
A Christian Pastor Talks to a man on his deathbed

One night, A Christian pastor took his weekly walk over to see an old man in a hospital nearing death. The pastor walks in, talks to the man, and asks if he can pray for him. The old man agrees so the Pastor gets on his knees next to the bed and closes his eyes and begins praying. The pastor was deep in prayer when the old man started to struggle. The old man could not talk but managed to scribble down a note and place it in the pastors breast pocket, as that was all he could reach. The man died before the pastor finished his prayer. When he finished, he decided to not read the note till the man's funeral, as the old man would have wanted.
Weeks pass and the funeral finally arrives, that the pastor was invited to. The pastor begins talking and the time comes when the pastor takes out the old note. The pastor unfolds the paper and prepares to read the old man's last words for the first time.
"You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46zbvl/a_christian_pastor_talks_to_a_man_on_his_deathbed/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is big and heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46z6g0/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Two blondes working on a construction site...

Two blondes were working on a construction site. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over her shoulder or nail it into the siding.
The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."
The second blonde was outraged. She yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46yye6/two_blondes_working_on_a_construction_site/
%
So Holmes and Watson go camping...

After a long trek through the woods they pitch their tent and turn in. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and asks him "Look up in the sky. What do you see?"
To that, Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars"
Holmes followed up with another question: "What do you deduce from that?" to which Watson answered "If there are millions of stars, and even a few of them are planets, it means that there should be planets out there like Earth out there and if there are, that means that there is indeed other life outside of Earth"
Holmes looked him square in the face and said "Watson you idiot it means someone stole our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46yx6i/so_holmes_and_watson_go_camping/
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A kid is riding on the school bus...

A kid is riding on the school bus, and is in the seat right behind the bus driver. He says "If my mommy was a hen and my daddy was a rooster I would be a little chick." "If my mommy was a mare and my daddy was a colt I would be a little foal." The kid continues with every other animal he knows, and the bus driver begins to get annoyed.
After 15 baby animals the bus driver gets fed up, turns around, and says "Hey kid, if your daddy was a bum and your mom a prostitute, what would you be then?"
The kid just smirks and says "A bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46yvyf/a_kid_is_riding_on_the_school_bus/
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A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno, dos..."  and POOF!  He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ytbh/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_is_going/
%
People who feel the Bern but don't like the sensation have been voting instead for Hillary....

... or as they like to call her, Preparation H

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ynhk/people_who_feel_the_bern_but_dont_like_the/
%
Hooking a clock on your belt

It would just be a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ylhj/hooking_a_clock_on_your_belt/
%
Why did the worlds shortest feminist burn down a post shop?

Because the mail was always above her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46yi0u/why_did_the_worlds_shortest_feminist_burn_down_a/
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I always wondered why Pikachu's electric shock blasts off team rocket but not Ash.

I guess Ash is just better grounded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46yg9t/i_always_wondered_why_pikachus_electric_shock/
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Home Alone Joke

When I was a kid I was obsessed with the Home Alone movie. My parents decided to throw me a home alone themed birthday. Which was a really easy to pull off since all they had to do was leave...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ydhp/home_alone_joke/
%
Watching a sex scene with my parents is so awkward.

My mom is such a bad actress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ybc8/watching_a_sex_scene_with_my_parents_is_so_awkward/
%
What's a masturbator's favorite type of weather?

Jack-it weather!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46yb40/whats_a_masturbators_favorite_type_of_weather/
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Today, I'm gonna dig up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy's gotten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46y75h/today_im_gonna_dig_up_the_time_capsule_i_buried/
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A man sees a millionaire he recognizes on the street.

The man goes up to the millionaire and says, "Sir, I have been working hard for so long and I still don't have much money, will you please tell me your secret to becoming a millionaire?"
The millionaire pauses for a moment and responds, "my wife."
The man was taken aback. "What were you before you met her?"
The millionaire sadly responded, "a billionaire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46y3zh/a_man_sees_a_millionaire_he_recognizes_on_the/
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My first wife's breasts were different sizes...

One spring I took her down to the beach for a wet T-shirt contest.
We took 1st and 3rd place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46y3r1/my_first_wifes_breasts_were_different_sizes/
%
My wife recently broke up with me because I'm a compulsive gambler.

All I can think about is how to win her back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46xzd7/my_wife_recently_broke_up_with_me_because_im_a/
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I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing

Serves him right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46xxsr/ive_got_a_friend_who_has_got_a_butler_whose_left/
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I was on a boating trip yesterday, when I got a headache and reached into my bag to take a Tylenol. I opened the bottle, but accidentally dropped one of the tablets into the lake.

"Fuck it," I thought, "at least the homeopaths would benefit from this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46xwvp/i_was_on_a_boating_trip_yesterday_when_i_got_a/
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Prom

A man is really excited about taking his girlfriend out to prom. He wants it to be perfect and to make her happy.
First, he goes to rent a tuxedo. However, a lot of other men are there too, getting their tuxedos for the prom. Finally, after an hour, he rents the tuxedo and leaves.
Next, he goes to the florist to buy some flowers for his girlfriend. But yet again, there is a huge line to get flowers, and he ends up waiting two hours to finally get them. Finally, he pays for the flowers and leaves.
Now that he has flowers and a tux, he needs to rent a limousine. He chooses one he likes and calls the company. However, there is yet again a huge line, and he is put on hold for three hours. Eventually, the limousine is rented and he goes to sleep.
On the day of the prom, he sees fruit punch. He goes to get some for his girlfriend and himself. Luckily for him, there is no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46xwiy/prom/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46xwgo/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby_the_driver/
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A man gets into a taxi

and is surprised to see that his driver is wearing a Darth Vader costume. The man decides not to make a scene, and the driver, in a normal voice, asks "Where to?" The man gives the driver the address of his house, and Darth starts making his way there.
The quickest route involves going on the highway, so Darth finds an entrance. As he pulls on, he happens to glance at the time. "Fuck, it's this late already? I'm going to miss my court date!"
Darth speeds up way past the speed limit, weaving and dodging around other cars. The man is too scared to say anything, and lets Darth drive unsafely. After a few minutes of this, Darth has miraculously not crashed, and they reach the address in record time.
As they finally slow down as the driver pulls up to the house, the man snaps out of it and gets out of the car in a huff. Darth rolls down his window, and yells at the man that he didn't pay the fare. "Why should I?" asks the man. "You almost killed me back there! I can see why you have a date in court, with your reckless driving."
"What? No, that's not what its about at all!" whines Darth.
"Well, then what is it about?" inquires the man.
"Isn't it obvious?" smirks Darth. "I'm a taxi-Vader."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46xtrb/a_man_gets_into_a_taxi/
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When Women Complain About Sex

**How To Please A Woman**
* Warm her up first. She's not a lawn mower that you can just turn on and off with the push of a lever.
* Touch her gently - she's a delicate flower.
* But not too gently - she wants a confident man, not a timid boy.
* Give her a masculine squeeze.
* But not too hard, you'll hurt her.
* After a while, she'll be warmed up. This can take anywhere from 30 sec. to 15 min., depending on the woman and the situation.
* Read her mind to determine when she's ready.
* Now you can move your fingers down south.
* But some women don't like that, in which case you should use your tongue instead.
* But this maneuver might make her terribly self-conscious, in which case you'll ruin everything.
* Read her mind to determine which course of action to pursue.
* Now, if using your fingers, read her mind to determine how many fingers to utilize.
* The preferred number is different for each
woman, though getting this wrong can be catastrophic.
* Gently caress her.
* But don't be too gentle, you'll bore her.
* But don't be too rough, you'll hurt her.
* Alternate clitoral caressing and penetration with a frequency determined by Schrodinger in the 1942 Vienna experiments.
* If using your tongue, follow the above steps with the obvious alterations.
* Eventually, she'll be sufficiently lubed for you to penetrate her with your penis.
* When penetrating her, start with gentle, slow thrusts.
* But not too gentle and slow. Remember, a woman isn't stimulated as easily as is a man.
* Generate some significant friction.
* But not too much friction. This isn't a porno, and you don't need a hospital bill.
* Gradually increase your frequency of thrusting.
* Read your woman's mind to determine the preferred acceleration. Remember, this is rocket science.
* Magically bend your penis upward at a 45 degree angle to stimulate the G spot.
* IMPORTANT: Do not finish before her. This means that you'll have to enjoy the stimulation as little as possible until she's climaxed.
* You'll find that, if you're good at this, you will be able to essentially numb your own pelvic sensations.
* After she's climaxed, and now that you're good and numb to the sensations, you'll have to (by some physiological miracle) enjoy the
stimulation again so as to finish yourself.
* You must finish. Remember, if she doesn't climax, it's your fault, and if you don't climax, it's your fault.
**How To Please A Man**
* Touch his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46xpcu/when_women_complain_about_sex/
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The pope is in Mexico visiting. He lowers the partition and kindly asks if he can drive.....

Driver:  Excuse me your excellency?
Pope: I said, would you mind if I drive today?
Driver: B..bu...but, sir I will most certainly loose my job if I did that.
Pope:  In all these years I have never driven.  I used to enjoy driving so very much.  I promise, you will not loose your job.
After much deliberation the driver finally concedes.  The driver gets out of the front door and holds it open for the Pope.  The pope exits the pitch black privacy of the back seat of the the long stretch limo and settles into the drivers seat.  The driver assumes his seat in the back.
As soon as they both close the door, the Pope guns it.  Like something out of a Vatican NASCAR or a catholic French Connection.  He is weaving in and out of traffic; passing on right; jumping over the median; performing 180s and 360s.  Inevitably, a cop sees him and the Pope quickly pulls over.  The mexican cop walks to the drivers side window.
Cop: 'the hell do you think you are doing!! Let me see your lic.....
the cop is paralyzed in fear.  He mumbles, stumbles and goes back to his vehicle.
Cop (on the radio): Capitan!
Capitan: yes corporal what is the matter
Cop:  I fucked up.  I think I pulled over someone very important
Capitan: Well who is it, Is it the Mayor?
Cop:  No, he is more important!
Capitan:  Holy shit!  is it the president of Mexico
Cop: More important, I think.
Capitan:  Is it Obama!?!!
Cop:  I think more important
Capitan:  Corporal!?! what the hell do you mean "you think"!  Who the hell did you pull over?
Cop:  Well, Capitan,  I am not entirely sure.  But he's got the Pope as his  chauffeur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46xooy/the_pope_is_in_mexico_visiting_he_lowers_the/
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My Wife told me to treat her like a princess

So I put her in the back of my car and crashed it into a tunnel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46xm64/my_wife_told_me_to_treat_her_like_a_princess/
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What's the best part of growing up in Compton?

No bad dad jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46xexw/whats_the_best_part_of_growing_up_in_compton/
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I had an Irish 7 course meal

A potato and a six pack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46xbo7/i_had_an_irish_7_course_meal/
%
TIL The chicken crossing the road jokes real meaning

To get to the other side was also a comment on the afterlife, as in the "other side" as in knowing he'd die crossing the road. I'm 37, heard this joke so many times, and not once put this together till now. /mind blown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46x4s8/til_the_chicken_crossing_the_road_jokes_real/
%
I bought these shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46x4pq/i_bought_these_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
While driving, I hit a car driven by a little person. He ran up to me and said "Hey asshole! I'm not happy!", to which I replied....

...."So which one *are* you then? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46x31u/while_driving_i_hit_a_car_driven_by_a_little/
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What do a teenage girl and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking, "Oh shit! My mom's gonna kill me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46x1vi/what_do_a_teenage_girl_and_her_baby_have_in_common/
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I went out to eat and told the waiter I wanted the steak bloody rare. He asked if I was worried about the mad cow, to which I replied.....

..... No.  My wife will cheer up after you take her order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46x100/i_went_out_to_eat_and_told_the_waiter_i_wanted/
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My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....

... with a shiny new bathroom scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46wxkz/my_wife_said_if_we_ever_win_the_lottery_i_want/
%
Can February March?

No, but April May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46wwox/can_february_march/
%
My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said....

....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46wvqh/my_wife_saw_her_ex_high_school_boyfriend_drunk_in/
%
Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn't want to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46wu60/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
Got my mother in law a cemetery plot for Christmas once, and the next year didn't buy her anything. When she asked me why I didn't buy a gift for her I said.....

... because you still haven't used the one I got you last year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46wtzh/got_my_mother_in_law_a_cemetery_plot_for/
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TIL That there was a German warship during WW2 that accidentally sunk 34 friendly submarines.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46wo4i/til_that_there_was_a_german_warship_during_ww2/
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Why is the Math Book so sad?

It has so many problems!
-Sorry doing a whole bunch of math today and i thought of this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46wiy0/why_is_the_math_book_so_sad/
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Dark jokes

1. Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
2. What's the worst part about breaking up with a japanese person? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message
3. What did kermit the frog say at Jim henson's funeral? Nothing
4. What's white on top and black on the bottom? Society
5. What's the difference between john wayne and jack daniels? Jack daniels is still killing indians
6. Penn State moved the Jerry Sandusky statue to the library. When you see him, you have to stay quiet.
7. Why does dr pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead
8. What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
9. What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies? Hold my beer
10. Who's the opposite of christopher reeves? Christopher walkin
11. What's the difference between usian bolt and hitler? Usian bolt can finish a race
12. Why did princess diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt
13. How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? Zero
14. What did the left tower say to the right tower? Can't talk right now, gotta catch a flight
15. Why are suicide jokes long? Cause people who commited suicide lived shorter
16. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? People cry when they cut up an onion
17. What did the disabled boy get for christmas? Cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46weo7/dark_jokes/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46waxe/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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A man goes to a costume party.

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but a pair of jeans.
"What are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
To which the man replied, "I am a premature ejaculation, I just came in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46w7gr/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the calendar factory?

All he did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46w6hs/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_fired_from_the/
%
What do you get when you combine Helium, Yttrium, Selenium, and Xenon?

**HeYSeXe**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46w4rm/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_helium_yttrium/
%
I recently came into a large sum of money

Now all the bills are sticking together

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46w473/i_recently_came_into_a_large_sum_of_money/
%
What type of sushi does Bob Seger like?

That Old Thai Moroccan Roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46w2i1/what_type_of_sushi_does_bob_seger_like/
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a bottom-dwelling scum sucker.
The other is a fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46w2br/whats_the_difference_between_a_lawyer_and_a/
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Student Pilot

Cessna: 'Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.'
Tower: 'Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!'
Cessna: 'Uh� tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46w17c/student_pilot/
%
My relationships never worked, because I like my women how I like my coffee...

I don't like when my coffee fucks other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46vzgw/my_relationships_never_worked_because_i_like_my/
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JUST DEPENDS

Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"
The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."
"Depends on what?" he asks.
"On my bottom -- where else?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46vz52/just_depends/
%
A friend tried to trip me up in an Indian restaurant, failed, and fell face first in to someone's mild chicken dish.

I call it instant korma.
I don't care if you like it, I can tikka or leave it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46vwrp/a_friend_tried_to_trip_me_up_in_an_indian/
%
why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?

because they like the taste of defeat.
i'm not even sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46vvbr/why_dont_foot_fetishists_ever_win_anything/
%
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, What's the word on the street?

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46vv1c/yesterday_i_saw_a_guy_spill_all_his_scrabble/
%
Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush.

I also pull out way to late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46vo4z/last_night_my_wife_started_calling_me_jeb_bush/
%
What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?

Oakley Dokelys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46vlqv/what_kind_of_sunglasses_does_ned_flanders_wear/
%
What do you call a vicar on a motorbike?

Rev

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46vjer/what_do_you_call_a_vicar_on_a_motorbike/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

It was okay, but had no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46vfrp/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
Do you know why there's no Apple wireless charger?

Because they can't decide what exactly should break there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46v5cd/do_you_know_why_theres_no_apple_wireless_charger/
%
If I want to bang an Eskimo...

Alaska

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46v46m/if_i_want_to_bang_an_eskimo/
%
A young lady from my office just sent me an email

saying "ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"
Oh boy am I excited, but what does "ternative" mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46v2bc/a_young_lady_from_my_office_just_sent_me_an_email/
%
I met a dwarf the other day

He was a pretty down to earth guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46uxz4/i_met_a_dwarf_the_other_day/
%
If your wife is shouting

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46uw5v/if_your_wife_is_shouting/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46uvaw/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
An elderly man was at a dinner party

An elderly man at a dinner party was telling a small group about the wonderful restaurant he and his wife went to a couple of days before. The food was fantastic and the service impeccable. When someone asked him the name of it, he couldn't remember.
"I can't remember. Help me here..."  He asks, "What's the name of a beautiful flower? It smells lovely and the stem has thorns."
Someone yells out rose!
He turns around and says, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46us2y/an_elderly_man_was_at_a_dinner_party/
%
A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it.

A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"
Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."
The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."
Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ur68/a_teacher_asks_her_students_to_give_her_a/
%
A man is driving down the road, and his car breaks down near a monastery

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46um9o/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_his_car_breaks/
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What do you give a paedophile who has everything?

A bigger Parish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46um26/what_do_you_give_a_paedophile_who_has_everything/
%
What's the difference between pink and purple?

Grip strength.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ul0k/whats_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
%
My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John

He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ufuh/my_friend_started_calling_the_toilet_the_jim/
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway...

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies,
"About a gallon "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46uba0/a_driver_is_stuck_in_a_traffic_jam_on_the_highway/
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[NSFW] What does a vagina look like?

A little boy goes up to his father and says "Daddy...what does a vagina look like?" The father, slightly taken aback, kindly replies "Well son, before sex it looks like a closed rose bud."
The son says "Oh that's nice daddy! Well, what about after sex?"
The father thinks for a moment and gently responds "have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ub77/nsfw_what_does_a_vagina_look_like/
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Last night I ate out a handicapped girl

...my mother always told me to eat my vegetables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46u77c/last_night_i_ate_out_a_handicapped_girl/
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What do you call a nut that eats other nuts?

A pecan-nibal!
Made this up at work while hungry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46u6nc/what_do_you_call_a_nut_that_eats_other_nuts/
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I saw an advert for a Michael Jackson figurine, and at the end of the advert it said...

...not suitable for children, colours may vary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46u69v/i_saw_an_advert_for_a_michael_jackson_figurine/
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How many long-time fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to change it and one to complain that the old one was better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46u5jn/how_many_longtime_fans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A lawyer contracts a cold for two hours. What does he have?

A brief case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46u5d0/a_lawyer_contracts_a_cold_for_two_hours_what_does/
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Three guys lost in a forest.

Three guys are lost in a forest, when suddenly they are ambushed by a tribe of Indians. They are taken to the camp and held prisoner for a couple days. Finally they take the first guy to the cheif. The cheif says, "Booda booda, or Death?" nothing more. The man, obviously not wanting to die, says "Booda booda". He is then brutally raped by the whole tribe for two weeks. They then, after the two weeks, bring the second guy, and ask him the same question. He, also not wanting to die, chooses "Booda booda". He then experiences the same fate of the first man. Now it's time for the third man, the man asks the other two which he should pick, now seeing that Booda booda is a terible choice. Both of them say that Booda booda was so bad they wish they were dead. So, the third man is then asked, "Booda booda, or Death?". The man says, "well I guess I'd rather die than endure that, so I choose death." The cheif smiles and says, "DEATH BY BOODA BOODAA!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46u4v7/three_guys_lost_in_a_forest/
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So the invisible man masturbated the other day

No one saw him coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46u4nu/so_the_invisible_man_masturbated_the_other_day/
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How do you have a party in space?

You planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46u0c6/how_do_you_have_a_party_in_space/
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I saw a couple of adjectives and a pronoun nervously smoking outside court yesterday.

Probably awaiting sentencing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46tzxl/i_saw_a_couple_of_adjectives_and_a_pronoun/
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I tried donating to the itty-bitty titty committee...

But they don't really need the support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46tz5a/i_tried_donating_to_the_ittybitty_titty_committee/
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I dreamt I was being chased by a bizarre sentence with two poorly distinguished clauses.

So I made a mad dash for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46txkw/i_dreamt_i_was_being_chased_by_a_bizarre_sentence/
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I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit"

...so I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46tqi5/i_was_travelling_on_the_west_coast_when_i_saw_a/
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What is a pedophiles favorite part of a hockey game???

Before the first period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46tqdu/what_is_a_pedophiles_favorite_part_of_a_hockey/
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Why did Hannibal Lecter try DiGiorno's Pizza?

He heard it had de*liver*y flavor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46tjkl/why_did_hannibal_lecter_try_digiornos_pizza/
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Personally, I don't believe in "bros before hoes" or "hoes before bros"

There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ti5f/personally_i_dont_believe_in_bros_before_hoes_or/
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What do you call a Jawa's favourite magician?

Houdini.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46thqe/what_do_you_call_a_jawas_favourite_magician/
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How do you circumcise a whale?

Four skin divers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46t8vp/how_do_you_circumcise_a_whale/
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What did the bra say to the hat?

"You go on ahead, I gotta give these two a lift."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46t8gz/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
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Hillary was shown a video of her flip-flopping on issues all over her career.

At first, she was upset. Now she says she's ok with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46t8aw/hillary_was_shown_a_video_of_her_flipflopping_on/
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i was dating a hot air balloonist

at least she let me down gently

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46t3wl/i_was_dating_a_hot_air_balloonist/
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A Priest and a Rabbi...

see a little boy bent over.
The Priest says to the Rabbi: "Should we fuck him?"
The Rabbi says to the Priest: "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46t2ck/a_priest_and_a_rabbi/
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Why did the Mexican decide to become a Buddhist?

He wanted to become Juan with everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46t19q/why_did_the_mexican_decide_to_become_a_buddhist/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An *impasta*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46sv33/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
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What does a feminist and a tampon have in common?

They're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46spr8/what_does_a_feminist_and_a_tampon_have_in_common/
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A 7 year old and a 5 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 5 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 5 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Shit mom, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '
WHACK...she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 5 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know mom, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46sna7/a_7_year_old_and_a_5_year_old_are_upstairs_in/
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I wouldn't create a palindrome for a Klondike Bar. But I'd...

Murder for a jar of red rum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46sm3e/i_wouldnt_create_a_palindrome_for_a_klondike_bar/
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What would it take to reunite the Beatles?

2 more bullets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46skfk/what_would_it_take_to_reunite_the_beatles/
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What's the difference between half a dozen dicks and the truth?

You can’t handle the truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46sila/whats_the_difference_between_half_a_dozen_dicks/
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We used to call a girl at work 'turtle.'

When she's on her back she’s fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46sahl/we_used_to_call_a_girl_at_work_turtle/
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Why'd the semen cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46s9g1/whyd_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
A girl comes home from school...

She tells her mother, "Mommy, today we started first grade and the teacher asked us to count to 20 and I counted to 100! Is it because I'm blonde?"
"Yes dear it's because you're blonde" says the mother happily.
The girl comes home the next day and announces, "Mommy, the teacher taught us the letter C and I could say until the letter Z! Is it because I'm blonde?"
"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde" the mother answers proudly.
Thd next day the girl comes home and exclaims, "Mommy, we were changing into our clothes for gym class, and all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She pulls up her top revealing huge beautiful breasts. "Is it because I'm blonde?"
"No" her mother says slightly embarrassed; "It's because you're 22."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46s7s0/a_girl_comes_home_from_school/
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When my wife asked me to stop being a flamingo...

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46s4ko/when_my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_being_a_flamingo/
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What do you call a broken can opener?

A can't opener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46s420/what_do_you_call_a_broken_can_opener/
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It would be hard work being a deep-sea diver

they're under a lot of pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46s20m/it_would_be_hard_work_being_a_deepsea_diver/
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A guy is cleaning out his deceased grandfather's attic...

He discovers an  old oil painting and an old violin. He decides to take them to an antique dealer to have them evaluated.
The antique dealer studies them both carefully and says, "What you have here sir is a Stradivarius, and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately, Stradivarius wasn't a very good painter, and Rembrandt was crap at making violins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46s1jr/a_guy_is_cleaning_out_his_deceased_grandfathers/
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If the FBI wants to get into people's iPhone's without permission...

They should just ask U2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46s1dx/if_the_fbi_wants_to_get_into_peoples_iphones/
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Why was the ink happy?

Because it had its in-de-pen-dance.
I'm posting lots of really bad jokes tonight that just appear in my head, if just one person enjoys just one joke is worth it, good evening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46s0dh/why_was_the_ink_happy/
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Why do Jews get circumcised ?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46s08g/why_do_jews_get_circumcised/
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Why do cannibal children go to the hospital?

Because their mothers told them to eat their vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46rxzc/why_do_cannibal_children_go_to_the_hospital/
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The man and the Monastery

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46rxs1/the_man_and_the_monastery/
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Still got it

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46rvah/still_got_it/
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An American Guy goes to China

while in China he has unprotected sex. He then returns to the States after two weeks, he noticed bright green and purple freckles. He immediately goes to see a doctor.
Doc says this is a rare disease called Mongolian VD I'm sorry but the only cure is to amputate your tool.
Horrified he goes the following day to see a Chinese doctor for another option
The doctor examines him and say "Ah yes Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease"
The guy says I know that ,what should I do ?My American doc says I must amputate my tool ?
Chinese doc laughs and say stupod Amelican docta always want to opelate . They make more money that way. No need to opelate !
Thank you the guy replies
Yes say the Chinese doc "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46rubw/an_american_guy_goes_to_china/
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Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train.

Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticatead 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old—who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-fifties who was a highly decorated colonel in the air force. And next to the colonel sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?
The colonel, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a colonel in the face and get away with it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46rsoz/four_strangers_travelled_together_in_the_same/
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When do you stop at green, and go at red?

when eating watermelon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46rrlc/when_do_you_stop_at_green_and_go_at_red/
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If I am ever put in charge of hiring at my company ...

... I will randomly divide the stack of applications into two piles and then throw one of them away.
I just don't want to work with unlucky people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46rr5f/if_i_am_ever_put_in_charge_of_hiring_at_my_company/
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What do you call the Devil's tree?

Luci-fir

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46rnln/what_do_you_call_the_devils_tree/
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A cop pulls a guy over for speeding on a slow day

Cop: "I've been waiting for you all day."
Driver: "Sorry, officer.  I got here as fast as I could."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46rm98/a_cop_pulls_a_guy_over_for_speeding_on_a_slow_day/
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Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates...

... if you're fat, it won't last long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46refl/momma_always_said_life_was_like_a_box_of/
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A News Anchor is in an Islamic country interviewing the civilians.

The news anchor asks a woman:"Are you being oppressed?"
The woman stutters:"I...I have to ask my husband."
Source/Inspiration: Dutch comedian Hans Teeuwen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46reey/a_news_anchor_is_in_an_islamic_country/
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What do you do when your mother-in-law is swaying towards you?

You pull the trigger again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46rciv/what_do_you_do_when_your_motherinlaw_is_swaying/
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A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money!

So the the client asks "How much is a ton of money"
The banker responds "Two Thousand Pounds"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46razf/a_banker_tells_his_client_that_a_1000000/
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Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46r5ai/trump_wants_to_ban_the_sale_of_preshredded_cheese/
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T NOW! what do we want?

MORE TIME TRAVEL JOKES!! when do we want them? RIGH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46r3ld/t_now_what_do_we_want/
%
Incest results in some very strange humans.

That's why my sister and I ALWAYS use a condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qzje/incest_results_in_some_very_strange_humans/
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A woman is taking a shower when she hears a knock at the door...

She throws on a towel and goes to answer it. Outside is her next door neighbor, taken aback by her near-nudity. He says, "wow, I never realized how beautiful you were under all of that clothing! I'll pay you $800 right now to drop that towel!" Dripping wet, the woman scans the hallway. With no one in sight and nothing to lose, the woman promptly drops her towel to the floor and shows her neighbor her full naked body. Grinning a toothy grin, her neighbor takes out his wallet and hands over eight $100 dollar bills. After she closes the door, her husband calls to her from the living room, "honey, who was that?" "Oh, just our next door neighbor" she replies. Her husband responds, "did he give you the 800 bucks he owes me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qype/a_woman_is_taking_a_shower_when_she_hears_a_knock/
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A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine, special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qx4w/a_husband_went_to_the_sheriffs_department_to/
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What is the worst thing about Ancient History Class?

The teachers tend to Babylon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qv2e/what_is_the_worst_thing_about_ancient_history/
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Why did the blind man use chopsticks?

Because he couldn't see the point in forks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qswm/why_did_the_blind_man_use_chopsticks/
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A chemistry student was asked to explain if heaven or hell exists on a test...

The question was: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa during my freshman year that "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and we take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Theresa kept shouting, "Oh my God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qp6n/a_chemistry_student_was_asked_to_explain_if/
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Apparently some people on Tumblr say they're sexually attracted to elements on the periodic table.

That's not really my thing ... except for that time in college when I experimented with carbon dating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qood/apparently_some_people_on_tumblr_say_theyre/
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What do black people and a tornado have in common?

It only takes one to ruin a neighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qlcj/what_do_black_people_and_a_tornado_have_in_common/
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Anal sex is a lot like broccoli...

if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't appreciate it as an adult

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qjou/anal_sex_is_a_lot_like_broccoli/
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So a Jew, a blonde, and a Narcissistic billionaire walks into a bar...

Then the bartender says: These presidental elections are starting to seem like a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qj7e/so_a_jew_a_blonde_and_a_narcissistic_billionaire/
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A physicist, mathematician and a priest are trapped in a burning Skyscraper...

On the ground is a huge swimmingpool. Their only chance to survive is to jump into it. The Priest looks at it, prays for 20 min. says "God will help me" jumps, misses and dies.
The physician looks down, approximates some values, writes down some constants and makes a small experiment, calculates 5 min. says "I hope I remembered the constants well enough",  jumps and lands safely in the pool.
The mathematician takes out his notebook and in an attempt to come up with a general solution and its proof, spends 2h writing furiously. "This has to work", he says, jumps and flies upwards in a steep curve. He made a sign error.
(Joke from our Physics professor, the room was dying laughing. I hope I didnt screw up too badly translating this from german, have mercy)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qhsj/a_physicist_mathematician_and_a_priest_are/
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Talking clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole... it's ten past three in the morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qfky/talking_clock/
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An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...

So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himself "we have to cut the electricity off!" And runs to the power panel in the basement. The statistician wakes up and looks around, he then screams "we need more data!!" And he sets the curtains on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qerx/an_engineer_physicist_and_a_statistician_in_a/
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I'm going to check out the new restaurant called Karma.

There's no menu, you just get what you deserve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qaet/im_going_to_check_out_the_new_restaurant_called/
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Why is Germany the Fatherland and Russia the Motherland?

Because Germany fucked Russia before getting half of it's land taken by Russia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46q9lo/why_is_germany_the_fatherland_and_russia_the/
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What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46q60r/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_wearing_a_vest/
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What does pubic hair and parsley have in common?

You just push them both aside and keep on eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46q5vm/what_does_pubic_hair_and_parsley_have_in_common/
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I'm giving away my dead batteries.

They're free of charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46q3m6/im_giving_away_my_dead_batteries/
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The person who invented knock knock jokes

Deserves a *no-bell* prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46q3jm/the_person_who_invented_knock_knock_jokes/
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A man runs home after winning the lottery

"Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"
"I don't care, just get out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46q2ox/a_man_runs_home_after_winning_the_lottery/
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A gynecologist decides to retrain as an auto mechanic

He goes to a technical school and learns how to fix cars. The final exam is to take a working engine, take it apart and reassemble it in working order.
After completing the test, he gets the results in the mail: he scored 150 out of 100 points. He calls his instructor to make sure there wasn't a mistake.
"No mistake," says the instructor. "I gave you 50 points for disassembling, 50 points for reassembling and extra credit for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46pxma/a_gynecologist_decides_to_retrain_as_an_auto/
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A businessman meets a beautiful girl...

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) It had never been occupied
2) That there was plenty of heat
3) That it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the Check for $250 with the following note:
"Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46pwz7/a_businessman_meets_a_beautiful_girl/
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What came first, the chicken or the egg? (dirty)

The Rooster. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46pq7o/what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg_dirty/
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The Bat Bet

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.
The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."
The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."
The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46pkhv/the_bat_bet/
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What do you call a Persian lesbian?

A flying carpet muncher.
I'm so sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46pj9i/what_do_you_call_a_persian_lesbian/
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How does a feminist screw in a light bulb?

She doesn't, she just holds it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46pir9/how_does_a_feminist_screw_in_a_light_bulb/
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Good news and Bad news

wife: i have a good news and a bad new.
Husband: i am very busy.Just give me good news.
wife: The airbags worked properly in our new BMW.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46pho6/good_news_and_bad_news/
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What are the options?

Air Hostess to passenger:
"Sir would you like to have dinner?"
Passenger: "What are the options?"
Air Hostess: "Yes and No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46pfd7/what_are_the_options/
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[NSFW] So my penis was in the guiness book of world records...

Till the librarian asked me to take it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46p3zg/nsfw_so_my_penis_was_in_the_guiness_book_of_world/
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Why your oven doesn't attend an university?

​​It already has at least hundred degrees​​

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46p30e/why_your_oven_doesnt_attend_an_university/
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Apple, the FBI, and John McAfee are sitting in an office...

Only two were invited, but the third one got in through the backdoor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46p0bq/apple_the_fbi_and_john_mcafee_are_sitting_in_an/
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In Israel, we just want peace.

A piece of Jordan, a piece of Egypt, a piece of Lebanon...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ozuw/in_israel_we_just_want_peace/
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The wife and I were trying to spice things up in the bedroom...

so now I cumin her every thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ox06/the_wife_and_i_were_trying_to_spice_things_up_in/
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What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ovry/whats_red_and_smells_like_blue_paint/
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funny joke

I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ou4e/funny_joke/
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IF you feel cold

if you ever get cold just stand in a corner for a bit. they are usually around 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ordf/if_you_feel_cold/
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Why is a bulimic's favorite restaurant KFC?

Cause it comes with a bucket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46oq3o/why_is_a_bulimics_favorite_restaurant_kfc/
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A Sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniax are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile,
a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on
a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture
it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and
then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it
and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it,
have sex with it again and then burn it," said
the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist
said: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46op8z/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
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Have you heard the latest joke about statisticians?

Probably.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46on2u/have_you_heard_the_latest_joke_about_statisticians/
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How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 or 2. Now 1... or 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46okjy/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Why is Santa's sack so full?

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46oj0q/why_is_santas_sack_so_full/
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What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46oahm/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_a_dead/
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What is the best thing about elevator jokes...

They work on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46o5hu/what_is_the_best_thing_about_elevator_jokes/
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Why did Jeb Bush cross the road?

To get to the other side! ^^Please ^^Clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46o2cp/why_did_jeb_bush_cross_the_road/
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A new lieutenant in the French foreign legion ...

Arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him his quarters, he asks the corporal "the base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?" The corporal replies "on Fridays, they let us use the camels" the lieutenant is disgusted, but says nothing. After a few weeks, however, the new officer is very lonely. He decides that if everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't he? The next Friday, the young lieutenant slinks over to the camel pens, and after looking around, drops his pants and starts humping a female camel. The camel is not amused and makes a huge uproar. The same corporal comes to investigate "lieutenant! What the hell do you think you are doing?!" "Come on man," replied the embarrassed officer "you yourself told me that we could use the camels on Fridays." "Yes, sir" replied the corporal "but we usually just ride 'em into town"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46nxlp/a_new_lieutenant_in_the_french_foreign_legion/
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A priest and a nun

are walking in a desert when their camel collapses and dies. Seconds later, the nun starts sobbing uncontrollably.
"It's all right sister, we'll just pray to the Lord"
"That's not what I'm crying about, Father."
"Really?" says the priest, "what is it then?"
"I realized that I will die not knowing what a man has inside his pants"
The priest then pulls down his pants and exposes his privates.
"Holy Lord Jesus Christ, what is that?" exclaims the nun.
"That, sister, is what gives life." The nun is silent for five seconds, then blurts out, "well, what the hell are we waiting for, put that thing in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46numw/a_priest_and_a_nun/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well it ain't three cause my basement is still
dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ntss/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.
The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46np7x/after_being_elected_president_bernie_sanders/
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A man wakes up from a nightmare in a cold sweat

He wakes his wife up to tell her about the dream.
"Honey, i dreamt I was a wigwam."
"A wigwam?"
"Exactly! A wigwam!"
His wife is disinterested, because this appears not to be scary or a nightmare.
He tries to tell his friends about it, but they aren't interested either.
So he goes to see a psychologist.
"Doc, I had an awful nightmare that I was a wigwam"
"A wigwam you say?"
"Yeah, a wigwam!"
The doctor thinka for a moment and says "this is strange, but it's too early to tell. If anything happens again, come back."
A week goes by with no issue, but one night this man jerks awake in a cold sweat. He wakes his wife up again.
"It happened again. I had another nightmare. But this time i was a teepee!"
"A teepee?"
"Exactly! A teepee. I think this is serious."
Again, his wife shrugs it off and tells him to go back to bed. He's so shaken up he can't get back to sleep.
First thing in the morning, he makes another appointment with a psychologist.
"Doctor, it happened again. This time I dreamt I was a teepee!"
"So first you were a wigwam, and now you're a teepee?"
"That's precisely correct. What on earth is wrong with me?!"
The doctor folds his hands, perplexed. After a few minutes of silence, the psychologist looks at the man and says, "You're two tents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46noet/a_man_wakes_up_from_a_nightmare_in_a_cold_sweat/
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A woman goes to visit her recently widowed mother.

"Finally", she says, "I think I'm ready to hear how Dad passed away."
Her elderly mother, who loved her husband dearly, was finally ready to explain.
"Well, your poor father had a heart attack. You see, we used to have sex twice a week, and always exactly at noon".
Somewhat repulsed, but altogether confused, the daughter asks, "I'm not sure how this is relevant. Why exactly at midday?"
"Because in his old age, your father was fragile and could only manage a slow pace. So we would be ready for the church bells over the road, and timed his thrusts to the slow rhythm. Chime, in, chime, out. Slow, steady, and short".
"So what changed? Why the sudden heart attack?"
"Well, you see, we were ready to go as normal at one minute to twelve. And that's when the ice cream truck drove by..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46nn5o/a_woman_goes_to_visit_her_recently_widowed_mother/
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What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

Luke warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46nlhr/what_is_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
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A Mexican man is found unresponsive...

A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana.
Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital.
Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within a few minutes and the attending physician marks the cause of death as "1/2".
Curious, the nurse asks him what this seemingly unrelated fraction has to do with this man's death.
The doctor responds "Juan over-dos".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ni9c/a_mexican_man_is_found_unresponsive/
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Why did the StormTrooper Buy The IPhone?

Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ng08/why_did_the_stormtrooper_buy_the_iphone/
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A clown held the door open for me the other day.

I thought that was a kind jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ndqd/a_clown_held_the_door_open_for_me_the_other_day/
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Engineers' view about a glass of water!

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46n6mo/engineers_view_about_a_glass_of_water/
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Got a handjob from a blind girl last night.

She said "You have the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on." I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46n65n/got_a_handjob_from_a_blind_girl_last_night/
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Horses are the most negative animals...

...they are such neigh-sayers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46n4sk/horses_are_the_most_negative_animals/
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Would an Australian WiFi network...

...be a LAN down under?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46n118/would_an_australian_wifi_network/
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My manicurist mother and dentist father didn't like each other...

They fought tooth and nail all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mxzt/my_manicurist_mother_and_dentist_father_didnt/
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Why I changed my name

Well, for my story to make any sense, I need to clarify that I'm somewhat of a celebrity in my country. I think even internationally people have heard about me, though I'm not too sure about it (fortunately the people who know about me also tend to be technologically a bit behind the curve, so you don't find too many of them on the internet).
Anyway, unlike many celebrities I never actually wanted to be famous - I always just wanted a quiet life, to be treated normally, have a loving family - that's basically the dream.
The worst is that I don't even have anything to say when it comes to my fame, it pretty much started out from something my parents did. I know, when you say 'celebrity' most people think of rockstars and actors or something, but that's not really my situation.
My homecountry had a bit of a terrorism problem, which you might think you understand from reading about terrorism a bit in the newspapers from time to time, but it's something entirely different when you live near it. People were scared. People were forced into the ranks of this terrorist group, they could choose, either join or die tortured and with the knowledge that you also sealed the death-sentence for your entire family. It was a pretty fucking dark chapter, that you can believe.
Well, my parents were scared aswell. They were young, still in their twenties, and were targets of this terrorism just like everyone else (maybe even more so, because my mother was an educated woman from a minority of the population). But unlike the other people they didn't back down. When asked to join and or not to oppose, they fought back, when attacked the kept on fighting, and when threatened of getting them, their family and all friends murdered, they still didn't back down.
That's the kind of people they were.
Were, because reality sadly isn't as fantastic as fiction, and reality doesn't care for its heroes. Shortly after I was born the danger became too much, they had to go into hiding, but the defense against terrorism is only as strong as the weakest link, and the weakest link in this case was a friend who caved in under the pressure. Looking back I think he was simply scared for his life and hoped that the protection offered in return for his betrayal would allow him to survive this whole mess, but I guess I'll never know. Anyway, they were found and executed.
Now, without parents I had to grow up with some relatives. But the damage was already done - my parents, their opposition to the terror in the country had given the people hope, and the death of one of leaders of the terrorists around that time only helped this sentiment. Their name, my last name, it was known all around the country, as a symbol of hope to fight against the fanatics killing the people and poisoning our nation.
So, pretty big name to live up to, right? Well, there's the thing I regularly do, but feel bad about: I disguise myself and introduce myself with a pseudonym, so people don't recognize me on the streets. I know it dishonors my family a bit, and I tried for the first 18 years of my life not to do it, but the stares I received from everyone simply grew too much to handle.
And that's why sometimes I use the last name of my godfather instead of my own, and introduce myself as 'Harrold Black' instead of 'Harry Potter'.
But yeah, what else is a person supposed to do in a situation like mine?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mxud/why_i_changed_my_name/
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What is Pitbull's first name

Featuring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mvq4/what_is_pitbulls_first_name/
%
CNN Poll: 50% of Bernie Sanders supporters drink whole milk, 35% drink 2% milk, and 15% drink skim milk

They all hate the 1% though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mu8a/cnn_poll_50_of_bernie_sanders_supporters_drink/
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A ship is sailing through the sea...

passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.
A passenger asks the captain:
- Who is he?
- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mu5z/a_ship_is_sailing_through_the_sea/
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Why did the pentagon change it's name to the square?

Because they were cutting corners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mt11/why_did_the_pentagon_change_its_name_to_the_square/
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The Priest and the Altar Boy

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ms4z/the_priest_and_the_altar_boy/
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I bet the bear from The Revenant would have been nominated for an Oscar...

If he was a Polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mrar/i_bet_the_bear_from_the_revenant_would_have_been/
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What do you do with a no-legged greyhound?

Take it drag racing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mnwe/what_do_you_do_with_a_nolegged_greyhound/
%
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?

A transplant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mnp7/what_do_you_call_a_human_thats_now_a_cactus/
%
'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted"

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mmwd/ad_in_the_classifieds_wife_wanted/
%
Do you know how Canada got its name?

Back in the colonial days, the people of the Canadian capital decided the whole of the northern land needed a name- but no one could agree what it should be. So the mayor had all the letters of the alphabet, from A to Zed, put on little pieces of paper and shuffled in a top hat. Then the mayor said "Whatever letters I draw, that's the name of our new country. Here goes..."
He drew the first letter: "It's a "C", eh". Then the next letter: "It's an "N", eh."...﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mkw2/do_you_know_how_canada_got_its_name/
%
"sun or the moon"

A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
.
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mkni/sun_or_the_moon/
%
Saw some guy running around naked, shouting to everyone: FRESH! GREEN! TEA! C10H20O! REPEAT!

So I asked my friend what the hell is up with that guy?
"Looks like he's having a menthol breakdown" he said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mkk9/saw_some_guy_running_around_naked_shouting_to/
%
A businessman goes to a psychologist

"Doc, you've got to help me," he says. "I'm so stressed out I'm losing my hair, I can't focus at work, and I feel like I'm going insane."
"Yes, yes," says the doctor. "You are ze perfect candidate for psychoanalysis. Please, make yourself comfortable on the couch, and let us begin with your sex life."
"Well," says the businessman, "I make love to my wife 4 times a week. I make love to my mistress 4 times a week. I make love to my secretary 4 times a week. And I make love to my bookkeeper 4 times a week."
The psychologist is absolutely flabbergasted. "Good god, man! It is no wonder you are in such acute distress. This is too much! Your libido is out of control. You must take yourself in hand."
"Oh, yeah," says the businessman. "I do that 4 times a week, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mi2o/a_businessman_goes_to_a_psychologist/
%
Jesus

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mf7g/jesus/
%
So, the wife receives her lover at home and her son arrives early from school and go to the bedroom's wardrobe to watch

.
When they were already both naked, the husband arrives early too and the wife puts the lover in the wardrobe too without noticing her son was already in there.
Inside the wardrobe:
Son: Its dark in here, isnt it?
Lover: Yes
Son: Hey, I have a soccer ball
Lover: Nice!
Son: I'm selling it.
Lover: Nice!
Son: Wanna buy it?
Lover: No.
Son: Well, my father is out there, you know...
Lover: All right, I'll buy it. How much?
Son: 400 dollars.
Lover: All right, all right, but dont say anything!
The next week, the same thing happens again and the son and the lover are once again inside the wardrobe:
Son: Hello again. It's dark here, isnt it?
Lover: Yes.
Son: Listen, I have a pair of goalkeeper's gloves, do you want to buy it? I'm selling for 500 dollars.
Lover: All right, all right.....
The next day, the father arrives home and starts talking with his son:
Father: Go get your ball and your gloves and let's play some soccer
Son: Well, I have sold them.
Father: Sold them?? For how much??
Son: 900 dollars
Father: What? I'll take you to church right now, you've got to learn not to take advantage from your school friends.
Arriving at the church, the father points out the confessionary and says: "Go talk to the priest, he will hear what you have to say".
When he got there he starts talking to the priest:
Son: "Its dark here..."
Priest: "Dont you even start, I ain't buying sh*t this time".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mdem/so_the_wife_receives_her_lover_at_home_and_her/
%
My sex life lately has been like very fine jewelry

100% handmade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46mcml/my_sex_life_lately_has_been_like_very_fine_jewelry/
%
What do baby parabola drink?

Their Quadratic Formula!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ma93/what_do_baby_parabola_drink/
%
Why was the crocodile taking viagra?

He was suffering from eREPTILE disfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46m8b5/why_was_the_crocodile_taking_viagra/
%
So there’s this guy, and it’s his first time in New York..

..and like any tourist in New York for the first time, he wants to do something special. Memorable.
So he decides to go to the top of the World Trade Center (this is an older joke) to this famous bar to have a couple of beers and check out what must surely be, a gorgeous view.
As soon as he sits down at the bar, some guy sits right next to him, and starts talking to him..
He goes, “Hey, how you doin’?”
The tourist, a little weirded out goes, “doing good, how about you?”
“Good. You don’t look like you’re from around here..”
“Uh..yeah. It’s my first time in New York”
“Oh really? Well, I guess you haven’t heard about this bar then”
“Uhhh..well…I have, I mean..I’m here, aren’t I?”
“Yeah, but that’s not what I mean”
Pointing at the stool the tourist is sitting on, the man says “You see that stool you’re sitting on?”
Tourist looks down.
The man says “that stool.. is from the Titanic, the ship, the actual one..”
Tourist genuinely surprised goes “Oh really?”
Man says, “Yeah. Yea.. Also, have you seen the bathroom yet?”
Tourist a little weirded out again goes, “uh..yeah”
Man says, “..well you remember that giant rock by the door? That rock..is a moon rock. It’s from one of the original Apollo missions”
Tourist genuinely surprised again now and actually happy he learned this little factoid goes, “Oh wow..that’s actually really cool, thank you for telling me”
Man says, “Yeah don’t mention it, this bar is famous because the owner likes to collect really unique and random historical artifacts and he places them all throughout his bar”
Tourist genuinely unaware of this and again happy to have learned this goes, “Oh wow, that’s awesome. I actually didn’t know that.”
Man says, “Yeah, cool right? You see that window over there?”
Tourist unsure of where this one is going, says “uhh..yeah”
“If you jump out that window…you’ll fall 10 stories, and come straight back up again through the window”
Tourist now chuckling and shaking his head to himself goes, “funny”
“No really!”
“Come on man, get the fuck outta here, I may be a tourist, but I’m not an idiot”
The man, really determined now goes “you don’t believe me? Watch this..”
The man steps up to the window, and without any hesitation jumps out..he falls 10 stories…and sure enough, he comes right back up again through the window”
The man goes to the tourist, “you see?”
The tourist genuinely flabbergasted and thinking what the fuck is going on here goes, “Wow that’s awesome, that was actually pretty cool, but obviously you have it rigged somehow. That’s impossible”
The man goes, “Still don’t believe me, huh? Ok, do this. Tie my hands together, tie my legs together, and throw me out..and watch what happens”
So the tourist ties him up, and throws him out again, and the same thing happens. The man falls 10 stories, and comes straight back up again.
The man again goes, “You see?”
The tourist is now convinced. He walks up to the window, looks down and thinks to himself, what the hell. The tourist jumps…he falls 10 stories…he falls another 10 stories….he falls ALL the way to the bottom and BOOM, he’s dead.
The man now goes back to the bar, sits on the Tourist’s stool, and finishes the rest of the Tourist’s beers and the bartender looks up at the man and goes, “You know what Superman? You’re a real jerk when you’re drunk..”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46m69l/so_theres_this_guy_and_its_his_first_time_in_new/
%
A bus full of ugly people crash on the side of the road...

...all of them die.
God, being the gracious being he is, decides to give them all one wish before he lets them into heaven.
Down the line they go:
"I wish I was beautiful."
"I wish I was handsome."
"I wish I was attractive."
....
This goes on for a while.
Finally, God comes to the last man. He's been snickering to himself the entire time in line.
God says, "Now sir, what do you wish for?"
Without missing a beat he replies...
"Make em' all ugly again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46m4dv/a_bus_full_of_ugly_people_crash_on_the_side_of/
%
A man walks into a bar..

He says to the bartender, "If I can show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen in your life will you let me drink for free for the rest of the night?"  The bartender thinks to himself 'what have I got to lose, all I have to do is tell this guy whatever it is he is about to show me is not the most amazing thing I've ever seen, and I won't have to let him drink for free' and says "sure buddy what do you have to show me?"
The man then pulls out of his bag a tiny piano and tiny piano player who proceeds to play Beethoven's Fur Elise.  The bartender, dumbfounded, has no other recourse except to admit that what he has just seen is indeed the most amazing thing he has ever seen in his life and tells the man that he will let him drink for free for the rest of the night.
The bartender, still completely confused by what he has just seen says to the man "that definitely is the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life, I have to ask, where did you find this tiny piano and piano player?"  The man then pulls an old rusty lamp out of his bag and says "I rubbed this lamp and a genie came out and granted me one wish, but only one wish which I have already used, so I might as well pass it on to you now".  The bartender eagerly takes the lamp and rubs it, the genie pops out and says to the him "thank you for freeing me from the lamp, I will now grant you one wish".  The bartender says "okay great, I wish for a million bucks".
Within a minute the bar is filled to the ceiling with ducks, one million of them to be exact.  The bartender, now quite annoyed exclaims "what the heck?! I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks! What is wrong with this genie!? He can't tell the difference between a million bucks and a million ducks?!"  To which the man replies "Do you really think I wished for a 9 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46m0u8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So there was a kidnapping in one of the local schools

Teacher woke him up though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46lwq6/so_there_was_a_kidnapping_in_one_of_the_local/
%
Three women die and go to Heaven...

...And they see Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven ladies! We just have on rule here," he said and narrows his eyes to show the gravity of the one rule. "Don't step on the ducks."
The women looked confused, but accepted the the agreement. "How hard could it be to not step on a duck? I went decades on Earth and never stepped on one," said one of the women.
When the gates opened and they entered Heaven, their jaws dropped with the sight of ducks filling almost every available space in Heaven. So very carefully, they walked through Paradise on their toes, trying not to step on any ducks.
They didn't get very far before one woman stepped on a duck. Saint Peter appeared before her and said, "I just told you we had only one rule. Like, it's only been five minutes, how did you forget already?" And he handcuffed her to one of the most ugly men she had ever seen. The two then set off on their own, leaving the other two women to continue on.
After a few successful days (they have days in Heaven, right?) the second woman steps on one of the infinite ducks that cover Heaven. Right on cue, Saint Peter showed up and handcuffed the woman to the most hideous creature of a man she ever laid eyes on. They then went their separate ways, leaving only one woman left.
After a solid, non-duck stepping on week, Saint Peter showed up, hastily handcuffed her to a man, and vanished once more. She looked up at her new partner to see the most gorgeous specimen of a man. Her eyes lit up and she said, "Oh my! What did I do to ever deserve being attached to you?"
The man looked down at her with beautiful, sad eyes and said,
"I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46lttc/three_women_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
Sunday School

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.  Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping.  "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"  And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
The Teacher fainted . . .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ltls/sunday_school/
%
An attractive young woman was stranded along a road.

It was getting late and she had miles to go before she reaches town. There were few cars passing by and she tried desperately to hitch a ride but nobody would stop for her.
When it was almost sundown, she heard clacking noise approaching her. Sure enough, when she look down the road, it was an Amish fellow riding his cart towards the way she was walking to. She stopped and waited for him by the side of the road.
When he was near enough she called him and said, "Hey, can I get a ride?"
He told her to hop in and that he couldn't refuse anyone who needs help. The woman hopped in and sat next to him. She saw that the Amish fellow was very good looking but did look somewhat timid. She said, "I'm very grateful for this. Tell you what, it looks like you've never done anything wild in your life. Every time your horse farts, I'll let you fuck me."
"That wouldn't be necessary, miss. I'm just glad I could help." He said with a blush.
After about a few miles, they hear the horse fart loudly. The Amish fellow looked at the woman and saw that she was now undoing her blouse and slipping off her panties under her skirt. He tried to resist her but she got on top of him and had her way with him. She fucked him like there was no tomorrow while the cart wheeled along. After they finish, he said, "That was amazing." and continued along the road.
A few miles passed, the horse farts again and, now, the Amish fellow being more confident didn't wait for the woman undo her clothes. While the cart moved and rocked, he had his way with her and they enjoyed every little bit of it. They finish and continued along the road.
The Amish fellow was very excited now and wish the horse would fart once more. With his growing excitement, he accidentally releases a loud fart.
The cart stopped. The horse looks back at them and says, "My turn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46lqw4/an_attractive_young_woman_was_stranded_along_a/
%
Sherlock and Watson go camping

Sherlock and Dr. Watson go camping. They pitch their tent and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson and says: "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes asks, "And what do you deduce from that?" "Well, if there are millions of stars," Watson says, "there must be some with planets, and some of those planets must be like Earth. And if there are planets like Earth, there might be planets with life." And Holmes says, "Watson, you idiot, it means someone stole our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46lq2f/sherlock_and_watson_go_camping/
%
What's the difference a Whore and a Bitch?

A Whore will fuck anybody, a Bitch will fuck anybody but me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46lned/whats_the_difference_a_whore_and_a_bitch/
%
My doc said that I should stop smoking and drinking immediately.

What does he care what I'm doing in the waiting room?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46lhez/my_doc_said_that_i_should_stop_smoking_and/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Easy, you just look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ld5r/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
A man brings his talking dog into the bar...

The bartender quickly tells him that no dogs are allowed.
The man says, "But sir, this is a talking dog. If i can prove that he can talk, will you let him stay?"
The bartender reluctantly agrees.
The man looks at his dog and says, "what's on top of your dog house?"
The dog says, "Roof!"
The bartender crosses his arms, annoyed.
The man says, "What does sandpaper feel like?"
The dog says, "Rough!"
The bartender is annoyed, but gives him one more shot.
The man says "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
The dog barks, "Ruth!"
The bartender is furious at the man for trying to trick him and kicks them both out.
The man gets really angry and kicks his dog.
The dog looks up at him and says "what, do you think Sammy Sosa was better?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46l6hu/a_man_brings_his_talking_dog_into_the_bar/
%
An old farmer bought a new rooster.

An old farmer was tending to his chickens and decided that he was going to get a young rooster to accompany his older rooster.
So he went down to the farmers market and found a young stud of a rooster and brought it back to the farm.
Once the young rooster was in the pin he stood up, poked his chest out and yelled "I am the new rooster in charge all of you hens will listen to me!"
The old rooster intrigued by what he just heard walks over to the young rooster and says " I am the head rooster here, if you want to take over you must first beat me in a race. "
The young rooster laughing accepted the challenge.
One lap around the hen house winner takes all, you can even have a head start. said the old rooster.
Young rooster scuffed-Since you are so old and I want a challenge you should take the head start.
The old rooster accepted.
They go to the start line and a hen clucks signaling a go. The old rooster takes off leaving a dust trail. The young rooster laughing starts to follow. They come around the corner the young rooster catching up to the old. Out of nowhere the farmer appears with a shotgun and shoots the young rooster killing him before he could ever catch up.
Pooping the shells out of the gun the farmer mudders "Those fucking queer roosters I keep getting are going to bankrupt me, that's the third one this month."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46l5uq/an_old_farmer_bought_a_new_rooster/
%
I went to a zoo but the only animal it had was one dog

It was a shih tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46l536/i_went_to_a_zoo_but_the_only_animal_it_had_was/
%
Marriage is like a hand of cards...

You start off with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing for clubs and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kwtl/marriage_is_like_a_hand_of_cards/
%
You will always tell the punchline first.

What happens to your joke telling if you obsessively watch too much Jeopardy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kw1d/you_will_always_tell_the_punchline_first/
%
What's the best thing about elevator jokes?

They work on so many levels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kvp1/whats_the_best_thing_about_elevator_jokes/
%
2 blondes are checking a car

"Does the turn signal work?"
"Yes! No. Yes! No. Yes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kuwe/2_blondes_are_checking_a_car/
%
I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kua4/i_was_at_my_bank_today_and_there_was_just_an/
%
What does the sign say on an out-of-business brothel?

Beat it, we're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ko7m/what_does_the_sign_say_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel/
%
What's the difference between a police baton and a magic wand?

Ones used for cunning stunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kliv/whats_the_difference_between_a_police_baton_and_a/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for his living room.

Friend: thank you.
Me: Don't mention it.
*Edit: formatting.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46klcv/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_living_room/
%
"Wrong number"

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46klcn/wrong_number/
%
A new version of clue is coming out this year

It's called Flint River Clue. The only weapon is a lead pipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kk4l/a_new_version_of_clue_is_coming_out_this_year/
%
A man is hit by a can of coke

But he was alright because it was a soft drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kjvj/a_man_is_hit_by_a_can_of_coke/
%
I once told DiCaprio a joke about the Oscars

He didn't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kifj/i_once_told_dicaprio_a_joke_about_the_oscars/
%
What a group of musical chemists called?

Butane Clan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kdw1/what_a_group_of_musical_chemists_called/
%
No Room at the Inn

"I'm desperate for a room," pleaded John.  "Everywhere else is fully booked!"
"I'm really sorry," replied the motel receptionist, "but we're booked up too.  It's because of the convention."
"Nothing at all? Not even a bed?"
"Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant," admitted the receptionist, "and he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"I'll take it," replied John.  The receptionist confirmed the bed's availability and handed him the keys.
The next morning he waltzed breezily towards the reception desk.  She looked up at him and smiled.  "How did you sleep?"
"Like a baby, thank you.  The snoring was no problem at all."
"No? How did you manage that?"
"The guy was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, but I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.'  He sat up and spent all night watching me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kds0/no_room_at_the_inn/
%
Two girls die and go to Heaven...

They meet up there, realizing they know each other and are surprised to see the other one dead.
"Wow! What happened to you?" Asks the firs one.
"Hypothermia.. It was soo cold, but after a while I just wanted to sleep and looks like I am never waking up. How about you?"
"Heart attack"
"Whaat! You are in your twenties! What happened? "
"Well, for a while now I've been suspecting that my husband cheats on me. So this one night I told him I was gonna be working late, but I came home early. I was damn sure there was a girl there. I looked everywhere, but to no avail. Under the bed, in the closet, in the bathroom, in the basement. I was so frustrated by the end, that my heart just collapsed."
"Well" said the other one "Had you checked the fridge, we both would've been alive right now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kdqe/two_girls_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10, but imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kde2/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
"The Spoon"

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kcl4/the_spoon/
%
My gran fell asleep last night while she was eating piri piri chicken

She had a cheeky nan dose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kc39/my_gran_fell_asleep_last_night_while_she_was/
%
If the FBI needs to get into someones's iPhone without permission..

They should just call U2 and ask how they did it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kbmq/if_the_fbi_needs_to_get_into_someoness_iphone/
%
second language

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46k9pc/second_language/
%
Baught a dog from a blacksmith yesterday

As soon as we got home it made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46k8lt/baught_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith_yesterday/
%
Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory?

He didn't like being spoken to in that voice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46k6oc/why_did_the_man_quit_his_job_at_the_helium_gas/
%
What's the best thing to do when someone close to you dies?

Move seats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46k57r/whats_the_best_thing_to_do_when_someone_close_to/
%
What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a poisonous spider?

You're probably Australian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46k3sl/whats_the_worst_thing_about_getting_bitten_by_a/
%
What do you call someone with no shins?

Tony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46k0rk/what_do_you_call_someone_with_no_shins/
%
Adam was the original sex-positive feminist...

He was ribbed for her pleasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46jwbv/adam_was_the_original_sexpositive_feminist/
%
What's another name for a supernova?

A POPstar. HAHAHAHA. Living is pain. Unbearable. End me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ju7r/whats_another_name_for_a_supernova/
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Man found dead...

in an ice cream van covered in sprinkles.
Police think he topped himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46jrs5/man_found_dead/
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What do you call a snobby thief running down your stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46jrey/what_do_you_call_a_snobby_thief_running_down_your/
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Two drug peddlers are arrested and produced in court..

Judge promises them reduced sentences if they can do some substantial community work in one week. After a week, they again appear before the judge.
Judge: Tell me young men. what have u done in last one week for the society ?
Criminal 1: I convinced 20 hardcore addicts to give up drugs forever.
Judge: That's fantastic. How did u do that ?
Criminal 1: I drew two circles side by side: o O..a small and a big one..then I told them that big circle is their brain when they are clean while small circle is their brain after using drugs for some time.
Judge: Wonderful. How about u, the other fella ?
Criminal 2: I convinced 200 addicts to give up drugs forever.
Judge: Holy shit. How on earth did u do that ?
Criminal 2: Like him, I also drew a small and a big circle..o O. Then I told them, pointing to the small one, this is your asshole before you go to prison....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46jqyv/two_drug_peddlers_are_arrested_and_produced_in/
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Three men die in a car crash

They find themselves at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter approaches them, saying "Okay, you'll get a vehicle for getting around Heaven depending on your faithfulness to your spouse".
The first man says "I never cheated on my wife, and I love her". He gets a Ferrari.
The second man says "I cheated on my wife once, but I still love her". He gets a horse.
The third man says "I cheated on my wife a couple times, but I still love her". He gets a scooter.
Soon after being allowed in to heaven, the man on his scooter sees the man in his Ferrari, crying his eyes out, and asks "What's wrong?".
The man looks up, and replies "I just saw my wife with a pair of roller skates...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46joyv/three_men_die_in_a_car_crash/
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If Hitler wanted to keep the Jews out of Germany

He should have just charged admission

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46jkp0/if_hitler_wanted_to_keep_the_jews_out_of_germany/
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A girl is at the circus...

... and she sees an elephant. She asks her mom "What's that between the elephant's legs?"
Her mom is embarrassed and says "That's nothing, dear."
Unsatisfied with this answer, she turns to her dad and asks "Daddy, what's that between the elephant's legs?"
Her dad is straightforward and says "That's the elephant's penis."
She says "Oh" and pauses. Then she asks, "Why did Mommy say it was nothing?"
To which the dad replies, "Well, ya know, I spoil her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46jk9y/a_girl_is_at_the_circus/
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An airplane is going down...

... so the pilot gets on the intercom and says "we have too much weight, we are going to have to throw off everybody's luggage."
But, afterwards they are still going down... So, the pilot says "Alright, I'm sorry to inform you that we are going to have to start throwing people off of the plane, we'll go in A, B, C order..."
"Africans, any Africans?" Nobody stands up.
"Okay, black people, any black people?" Nobody stands up.
"Colored people, any colored?" Still nobody.
So, a little black boy looks at his mom and says, "Mom, aren't we African, black, and colored?" "No, son, today we are niggers." She tells him.
The little black boy turns to a Mexican boy and says "Haha, you are getting thrown off before us!" The Mexican boy looks at him and says "Not today, nigger, today we're wetbacks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46jf66/an_airplane_is_going_down/
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A guy walks into an elevator...

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, “Can I smell your pussy?” The woman looks at him in disgust and says, “Certainly not!” “Hmmm,” he replies. “It must be your feet, then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ja5q/a_guy_walks_into_an_elevator/
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Monkey in a Tree

A man notices a monkey is up in his backyard tree.
He goes online and finds a man who specializes in monkey capture and removal.
When the trapper arrives at the house he shows up with a stick, a set of handcuffs, a Chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use this stick to hit the monkey until it falls out of the tree. When it lands, the trained Chihuahua will viciously lunge for the monkey's genitals and when it attempts to protect himself I will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what’s the shotgun for?"
"In case I fall out of the tree first....you must shoot the Chihuahua."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46j9ch/monkey_in_a_tree/
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An old joke about President Calvin Coolidge

The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown (separately) around an experimental government farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day." Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by."
Upon being told, the President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time." President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."
[Source](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46j7gs/an_old_joke_about_president_calvin_coolidge/
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Yo Mamma is So Fat.....

when she moons people, they turn into werewolves.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46j4g5/yo_mamma_is_so_fat/
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness
6 walks in to a senior home. He sees 7 at the corner of his eye. 7 looks at him at the corner of his eye. Staring at his soul like a crow lurking in the woods. 6 gets a Vietnam flashback and died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46iz1w/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
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So, I was fucking my daughter last night and my wife walked in.

She was in shock. I don't know what she was more surprised by - the fact that I was fucking my daughter, or the fact that the abortion clinic let me keep it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46iy4l/so_i_was_fucking_my_daughter_last_night_and_my/
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There's a man walking a tight rope. 100ft below him there's a man getting a blowjob from an 80 year old woman. What are they both thinking?

Don't look down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46iwtp/theres_a_man_walking_a_tight_rope_100ft_below_him/
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What did the man who ate a clock say?

That was time consuming but I still want seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46iw1h/what_did_the_man_who_ate_a_clock_say/
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Cowboy walks into a bar.

A cowboy walks into a bar. He's wearing brown paper shirt, a brown paper vest, brown paper pants and a brown paper hat. "Gimme 5 shots of tequila", he demands. "You must be celebrating" the bartender said as he set up the shots. "yep, I just got out of prison", said the cowboy. "What were you in for"?, asked the bartender. The cowboy replied, "rustling".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46irub/cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Hey, do you like analogies? I got plenty!

I got analogy to rabbits, analogy to grass, analogy to mold...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46iq5a/hey_do_you_like_analogies_i_got_plenty/
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Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So people don't confuse them with feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46inh5/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
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The old Man and the State Trooper

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ilz7/the_old_man_and_the_state_trooper/
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I bought the worst thesaurus the other day.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ij3u/i_bought_the_worst_thesaurus_the_other_day/
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Why was the Pepsi crying while lifting weights?

Because he was soda-pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ii13/why_was_the_pepsi_crying_while_lifting_weights/
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My daughter told me I should treat her like a princess

So I married her off to a stranger in order to secure an alliance with the French.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ihg2/my_daughter_told_me_i_should_treat_her_like_a/
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Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ifx7/wondering_why_cuck_has_become_the_new_insult_of/
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More dark humour

After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first doctor”. The doctor replies, “We’ll, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair”. Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news”. The doctor replies, “He’s dead”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46idh5/more_dark_humour/
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The Defective Parrot.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.  It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot ?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.  I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.  'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.  'I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird.'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.  'Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.  You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.  'You really can understand and can speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.  I'm especially good at ornithology.  You really ought to buy me.  I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.  'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet.  You can probably get me for $20.  Just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.  The parrot is sensational.  He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.  The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the post man.'
What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT??' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, he came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'
'Yes.  Then he continued taking off the nightie and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'Dunno?!?  I got an erection, and fell off my perch!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ic6w/the_defective_parrot/
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The teacher asked the class ...

... to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, the teacher hesitated but called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ialo/the_teacher_asked_the_class/
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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot.

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ia1b/three_men_a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an/
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Magical powers of tequila!

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46i9i0/magical_powers_of_tequila/
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What do you call children born in whore houses?

Brothel sprouts...😁

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46i8w6/what_do_you_call_children_born_in_whore_houses/
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What do you call a row of trucks covered in mozzarella?

A cheesy pickup line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46i8ik/what_do_you_call_a_row_of_trucks_covered_in/
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What do a Total Bitch and her Tampon have in common? NSFW

They're both Stuck-up Cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46i8a8/what_do_a_total_bitch_and_her_tampon_have_in/
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Yo mama's so fat

Her nose can't even run
Came up with this myself and was quite proud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46hxhu/yo_mamas_so_fat/
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A man takes his seat at a FIFA world cup final.

He looks to his left and notices that  there is a spare seat between him and the next guy.
MAN: "Who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"
GUY: "That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
MAN: "Oh...that's terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat.
But these are expensive tickets - couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"
GUY: "No...they're all at her funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46hs2o/a_man_takes_his_seat_at_a_fifa_world_cup_final/
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My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond

There's a lot of pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46hrzy/my_family_keeps_telling_me_that_when_i_die_i/
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Three salty sailors...

...Become shipwrecked and found themselves on an abandoned island. They all start by immediately trying to build a shelter for the night when they were suddenly captured by a clan of pygmy cannibals. The head pygmy shaman stated to the 3 sailors that they had to go out and forage for 10 fruits or berries of the same kind or else they would kill them and eat them. Hastily the 3 men set out to find they shaman his fruits and berries. The first sailor shows back up with 10 apples. The shaman explains to him that he must insert all of them into his rectum without a single facial expression or else he would be killed and eaten. He gets the first one up there nice and slow but winces in pain on the second one so they kill him and eat him. The second sailor shows up with 10 blueberries. The shaman explained to the sailor what he must do. The sailor starts popping those berries up his ass like it was nothing. On the 9th berry he burst out into laughter so they killed him and ate him. Waiting in front of the pearly gates the first sailor sees the second one appear in front of him and asks, "AYEE! YOU WERE ALMOST FINISHED WHY DID YOU LAUGH!?" To which the second sailor replies, "I was nearly done but i saw the last guy coming back with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46hlz3/three_salty_sailors/
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What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46hlrc/what_did_the_zero_say_to_the_eight/
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What's the difference between a bmw driver and a porcupine?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46hcj2/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_driver_and_a/
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The largest shipment of Mayonnaise ever.

Today most of the world's import/export happens via airplane AND ships by sea.  Due to most of the world's Mayonnaise being produced in England up until 1925, the product was exported via business and commercial ships.  The largest shipment ever was put on the Titanic, bound for the first delivery to Mexico.  Because of the extreme amount of loss, and the heartbreak due to the anticipation for the product a national day of remembrance was made, "cinco de mayo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46hb84/the_largest_shipment_of_mayonnaise_ever/
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So a dad catches his son masturbating...

A dad walks into his son's bedroom and finds him masturbating.
"Son! That is bad for you, it'll make you go blind".
"Dad, i'm over here''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46hav4/so_a_dad_catches_his_son_masturbating/
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My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ha2r/my_girlfriends_father_is_very_religious_and_says/
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Remember when...

... the General Motors jobs were in Flint, and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico.  And now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46h7ak/remember_when/
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I tried to catch some fog yesterday

Mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46h750/i_tried_to_catch_some_fog_yesterday/
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Why doesn't Kylo Ren's lightsaber look like a normal lightsaber?

Because it's a First Order approximation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46h4xt/why_doesnt_kylo_rens_lightsaber_look_like_a/
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Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the shit out of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46gwvn/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
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I tried to buy a new boomerang today

but I couldn't throw my old one away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46gwii/i_tried_to_buy_a_new_boomerang_today/
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An apple a day

Keeps the government away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46gwcg/an_apple_a_day/
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A man takes a business trip to a small town in a remote valley...NSFW

and when he checks into the only hotel in the town, he quietly asks the manager:
"Y'know, do you have any girls here, for, uh, 'nighttime favours'?"
"Not really", the manager answers, "we only have Bob."
The man is a bit confused, replies "Hm, no thank you" and goes to his room.
At night, he is lying on his bed, sleepless, and cannot control his urges any longer, so he decides to call up the manager again.
"You know, I've changed my mind, please call Bob for me. How much does he usually charge?"
"You'll need to pay about eighty bucks"
"Okay, fine, and how will we go about this? I give the eighty to Bob and then we'll fuck?"
"Nah, not really, you'll have to pay forty to the mayor, because it's his city and he doesn't really like it when this happens. So if you pay him first, he'll look the other way"
"Sure, so Bob only gets forty dollars, but then we'll fuck!"
"Ah, not quite. See, I'll take twenty of those, since it's my hotel, and I also don't really like it when this happens."
"Whatever, if Bob is satisfied with the twenty that are left over, it's fine. So I'll just give those to him, and then we can get it on?"
"Nope, John and Tony will be splitting the remaining twenty, they'll be holding Bob down, because he also doesn't really like it when this happens."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46gvur/a_man_takes_a_business_trip_to_a_small_town_in_a/
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How are a tupperware container and a walrus alike?

They both like a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46guww/how_are_a_tupperware_container_and_a_walrus_alike/
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It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach!

A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
Women blink twice as much as men.
We use 300 muscle's just to keep our balance when we stand.
The woman has read this entire text.
The man is still looking at his thumb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46gut4/it_takes_7_seconds_for_food_to_pass_from_mouth_to/
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A woman wanted to give a special gift for her husbands birthday and goes to the tattooshop..

So she comes in and tells the tattoo guy her husband is huge fan of Brigitte Bardot(The French model), the tattoo guy suggest he will tattoo two big B's, her initials on her butt cheeks. She agrees and put the two B's on her buttcheeks. When her husband comes home she's taking him to the bedroom and whispering: I've got a little suprise, close your eyes and open them when I tell so. So she goes naked and goes in doggy-style position pointing her ass at him. She then says: you can open them honey. He opens them and says: Who the fuck is BOB and why did you tattoo his name?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46gukg/a_woman_wanted_to_give_a_special_gift_for_her/
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Pierre the fighter pilot

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.
"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46gtd7/pierre_the_fighter_pilot/
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The reason the earth's core is hot

Is because my mixtape is so underground

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46gsrc/the_reason_the_earths_core_is_hot/
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Voodoo Dick

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.  He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.  So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.  He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.  He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.  He explained his situation, the old man. “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …” said the old man, and then he stopped. “Except what?” asked the businessman. “Nothing, nothing,” said the old man. “C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman. “Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick,’” the old man said. “So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” the businessman asked.  The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols.  He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.  The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!” The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.” The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.  The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.  Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dick, get back in your box!” The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, “I’ll take it!” The old man resisted and said it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.  The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dick, my pussy.” He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.  After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.  She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!”  The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping.  It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.  She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.  Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.  So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.  She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.   On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.  He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.  Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46gm7v/voodoo_dick/
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Two snakes

Snake one asks
"Hey man, are we venomous?"
Snake two responds,
"Extremely. Why do you ask?"
"Because I just bit my tongue"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46gfjy/two_snakes/
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Nude Beach

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the  silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ge0n/nude_beach/
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A Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job." The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?" The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell." The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long." The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!" The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long." The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job." The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a toilet seat off a Tuna boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46gbdj/a_blind_carpenter/
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A man wants to lose some weight...

A man wants to lose a couple of pounds. After browsing the internet, he finds an ad saying "lose weight quickly!" Skeptical, he calls the number. A very cheerful woman answers the phone and explains "yes, we have 3 different exercise program levels. The first one is for beginners and you can lose up to 5 pounds in a week!" the man is still skeptical but goes ahead anyways and makes a payment for the week long program. "great!", the woman says. "Be ready to workout at noon tomorrow." Tomorrow comes and at noon sharp there is knock on the door. The man opens it and finds a beautiful woman completely naked, with the exception of running shoes on. She bites her lip and says seductively "If you can catch me, you can have me and do whatever you want to me." and immediately starts running. The man chases her and she gets away. This goes on for a whole week and at the end of the week, the man is discouraged. He steps on the scale and OH MY the man lost 5 pounds! he calls the company back and says "your program worked! I lost 5 pounds! I want to do the second level!" the woman on the phone says "The second level is more intense than the first, but you'll lose 10 pounds in a week if you stick with it." Without hesitation, the man agrees and pays. "Be ready at noon tomorrow prepared to workout." Tomorrow comes, and at noon sharp there's a knock on his door. A different, more beautiful woman is at his door. Completely naked, with the exception of running shoes. She seductively says "If you can catch me, you can have me and do whatever you want to me" and takes off running. The man chases after her, but is still unable to catch her. This goes on for a week and he is never able to catch up to the gorgeous woman. At the end of the week he feels worthless, but steps on the scale and to his surprise, he lost another 10 pounds!" His feeling of worthlessness quickly disappeared. He calls the company back very excited and says, "I want to do the hardest program you guys offer." There is a pause on the other end, and the woman says "well, yes, we have one more program but its very rigorous. Not many people can pass it... but if you can, you'll lose 20 pounds in a week." the man without hesitation says "sign me up". "Alright, be ready to workout at noon tomorrow" says the woman. The next day, at noon sharp, there's a knock on the mans door. Excited, the man opens it up. Instead of the beautiful girls he's been dealing with in the past, there's a very large and muscular man standing in his doorway. Completely naked. Except for running shoes. With a giant grin on the naked man's face, he says to the other man, "If I catch you... I can have you and do whatever I want to you. Start running, bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ga64/a_man_wants_to_lose_some_weight/
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Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A drinking problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46g84d/math_teacher_if_i_have_5_bottles_in_one_hand_and/
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My mother and father switched roles; I can't see them anymore.

They're trans-parents.
Sorry. ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46g53k/my_mother_and_father_switched_roles_i_cant_see/
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46g3q4/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
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Why couldn't Marco Rubio register on a web forum?

The website required him to prove that he is not a robot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46g3ix/why_couldnt_marco_rubio_register_on_a_web_forum/
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What do you call it when someone shoots a group of fish in a barrel?

A school shooting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46g2yw/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_shoots_a_group/
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Taliban meets a Jew

A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was trudging through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.  Hoping to find water he hurried towards it only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted, “Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”
“OK, OK” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”
Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead… “Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46g1ng/taliban_meets_a_jew/
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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long...

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every
once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And your single. Just let it go.."
But then another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:......
Your'e a fucking vet, you pervert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46fn3b/doctor_dave_had_slept_with_one_of_his_patients/
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Chickens are Illuminati

As of 2011 there is an estimated 19 billion chickens in the world or 3 for every person. What has 3 sides? A triangle. Where can you see triangles? The pyramids. Where are the pyramids? Egypt. What did Egyptians worship? Cats and dogs. Cats and dogs are rivals such as chickens and turkeys. When do people eat turkey the most? Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a few weeks away from Christmas in the USA. What's on the other side of the world from the USA? Japan. What do Japanese people eat on Christmas? KFC. What is the 3rd letter in KFC? Chicken. Notice how I said 3rd letter; 3rd as in the final side of the triangle. Notice how I have also mentioned chickens 3 times in this theory; 3 sides like 3 sides of a triangle. That makes 3 triangles. When you put 3 triangles together, what do you get? The Tri-force. What is one of the most famous things in the Legend of Zelda? The Tri-force. What do people get mixed up in the Legend of Zelda series? Link and Zelda's names. Link has a triangle hat. Zelda is the princess of Hyrule. What animal is found in Hyrule? Chickens. What happens when you attack chickens too much in Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past and games after that? A bunch of chickens start flying at you and try to kill you. Wake up, America. Our government is run by lizards and chickens are the Illumunati.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46fld2/chickens_are_illuminati/
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An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count...

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,
"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the fucking jar open"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46fkp0/an_85yearold_man_went_to_his_doctors_office_to/
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What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46fexu/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
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Little kid goes running into the bathroom while his mum is having a bath

He sees his naked mother and asks "Mummy - what is that between your legs?"
His mother thinks quick and replies "Oh that's where Daddy accidentally hit me with an axe"
"Great shot!" replies the kid "Got you right in the cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46fdyc/little_kid_goes_running_into_the_bathroom_while/
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which spice, according to jamaicans, is definitely going to hell?

the cinnamon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46fb3y/which_spice_according_to_jamaicans_is_definitely/
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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records....

When the librarian saw me, she called the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46f6jz/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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What's Stephen Hawking's favorite meal?

His shoulder.
One more...what's black and sits at the top of a staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. I'm so sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46f3b6/whats_stephen_hawkings_favorite_meal/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46f02h/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Dirty super hero jokes

My friends and I are into dirty superhero jokes, anyone have any to share?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ez5g/dirty_super_hero_jokes/
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Three guys die and go to hell...

When they get there they meet the devil, who tells them there's a way to get to heaven. The Devil explains that behind 3 doors are tasks that they must each complete, in whatever order they want, to go to heaven.
Door 1 is a room with 10 virgin ladies, the task is to make them all orgasm in 30 minutes.
Door 2 is a room with 3 lions, who they must punch to death.
Door 3 is a room with 2 beer kegs, that they have to finish in an hour.
The first guy, a well endowed gentleman, confidently chooses door 1 first. After 30 minutes he didn't even make one orgasm and gets sent to burn in hell.
The second guy, a former circus worker, chooses door 2 first, hoping to be able to use his skills to punch the lions to death. After 10 minutes he comes out, bleeding and saying I can't do it...he goes to hell.
The last guy, a bum who is an alcoholic, chooses to start with door 3. Not even 30 minutes he comes out smiling, drunk like a skunk but completely finished the kegs. Then he goes to door 2...at a distance you can hear roaring and moaning, louder and louder by the minute. Eventually he comes back out with a big smile on his face, and asks the devil "*burp* now where are them bitches I gotta punch to death?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46exoc/three_guys_die_and_go_to_hell/
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A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger...

He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46evqj/a_woman_asked_her_hubby_if_he_knew_how_she_could/
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My girlfriend didn't like my penis at first...

... but then it grew on her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46evnc/my_girlfriend_didnt_like_my_penis_at_first/
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A man is passing through a small town and sees a horse tied up in front of a bar

There's a sign next to the horse that says "Make this horse laugh, win $500 and free drinks for the night"
The man decides to give it a shot. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear.
The horse bursts out laughing.
The bartender is shocked and begrudgingly pays the man and gives him a night of free drinks.
The man wakes up the next morning and continues on with his journey.
On his way back home, this man sees a new sign next to this horse that reads "Make this horse cry, win $1,000 and free drinks for two nights."
Having been successful the first time, the man walks up to the horse and a few moments later the horse is sobbing.
The bartender is pissed that the same man won his contest both times. He pays up and starts pouring beer for him.
After a few drinks, the bartender breaks and says "look, I'm losing a lot of money on this. You have to tell me how you did it."
The man finishes his beer and says with a grin, "Last week, i told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This week, i proved it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46evbm/a_man_is_passing_through_a_small_town_and_sees_a/
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A man has dinner at a chinese restaurant

The man says to the chef:
"Gee, this steak is rubbery!" And the chef replies "thank you very much!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46es39/a_man_has_dinner_at_a_chinese_restaurant/
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What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?

Get off me homes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ej4h/what_did_the_mexican_say_when_two_houses_fell_on/
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My ex wife still misses me

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ee8x/my_ex_wife_still_misses_me/
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I dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book.

At least I know where I stand now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ebhf/i_dumped_my_girlfriend_and_started_reading_a/
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This kid does a show and tell for his 3rd grade class...

But first he wants to get some research on "where do babies come from". First the kid asks his mother and says "Mum, where do babies come from?" The mother replies, "the stork brought you here."
So the kid goes to his dad and asks him, "where do babies come from?"
The dad replies, "the stork brought you here son."
Finally the kid asks his grandma. He goes up to her and asks, "Grandma, where do babies come from?"
Grandma replies, "the stork brought you here. That's how you were born, that's how your dad and mum were born and that's how I was born."
So the kid goes to his room and begins to prepare for his show and tell.
The next day he goes in front of his class for show and tell. He tells the class, "My family hasn't had a normal birth for 3 generations."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46e8z1/this_kid_does_a_show_and_tell_for_his_3rd_grade/
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So my drug dealer got me these new shoes..

And I don't know what he laced them with.. But I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46e8q7/so_my_drug_dealer_got_me_these_new_shoes/
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A farmer has 96 cows. When he rounds them up, he has 100.

Title

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46e6we/a_farmer_has_96_cows_when_he_rounds_them_up_he/
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46e47e/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
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Two old ladies on a beach..

and a streaker ran past them, one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46e2w4/two_old_ladies_on_a_beach/
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A guest at a restaurant asks the waiter...

"do you have lobster tails?"
The waiter replies: "Of course! Once upon a time, there was a little lobster....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46e1dc/a_guest_at_a_restaurant_asks_the_waiter/
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Did you hear about the 120 pound man with the 60 pound testicles?

People say he was half-nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46e0pc/did_you_hear_about_the_120_pound_man_with_the_60/
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Job Interview

"It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17x19?"
"36"
"That's not even close!"
"But it was quick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46dl4c/job_interview/
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I really want to take my girlfriend out to dinner...

...But she asks way too much per hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46djaq/i_really_want_to_take_my_girlfriend_out_to_dinner/
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What is a goat herder known as in the Middle East?

A Pimp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46dhdt/what_is_a_goat_herder_known_as_in_the_middle_east/
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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46dcz7/a_man_went_into_a_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
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There is a clerk at the butcher shop. He is 5'10" and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weight?

Meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46dcez/there_is_a_clerk_at_the_butcher_shop_he_is_510/
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To all the philosophy majors out there...

Can I get a Grande Mocha with whip please?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46daz9/to_all_the_philosophy_majors_out_there/
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"Any women in the audience who think I'm a male chauvinist, say "Boooo!"

Every woman in the audience yelled "Booo!"
The speaker said to the crowd, "Obedient little bitches, aren't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46dagq/any_women_in_the_audience_who_think_im_a_male/
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46d5zs/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
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I totally understand how batteries feel

because I'm rarely ever included in things either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46d5th/i_totally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
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What do you call a hooker that was shot by a sniper?

360 hoscope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46d51v/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_that_was_shot_by_a/
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TIL that regardless of the technical definition...

your girlfriend will not appreciate being called a tramp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46d4bu/til_that_regardless_of_the_technical_definition/
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Don't be silly, I'm not objectifying women.

I'm not sexually attracted to objects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46d45f/dont_be_silly_im_not_objectifying_women/
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For my birthday, I got a Rolex from my lesbian neighbor.

I think she misunderstood me when I told her I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46cz07/for_my_birthday_i_got_a_rolex_from_my_lesbian/
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An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.  His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
"Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  I know if you were here, my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.  Love, Papa"
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden.  That's where the bodies are buried.  Love, Vinnie"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left.  That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best I could do under the circumstances.  Love you,  Vinnie"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46cyu8/an_old_italian_gentleman_lived_alone_in_new_jersey/
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What do you call a mountain of puns?

Mount Cleverest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46cy65/what_do_you_call_a_mountain_of_puns/
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46cxa7/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
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I met a French gentleman in the bathroom. How do I know he was French, do you ask?

He went oui, oui.
Source: my 13 year old brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46cw27/i_met_a_french_gentleman_in_the_bathroom_how_do_i/
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Why did Burger King and Dairy Queen have a baby?

Because Burger King forgot to wrap up his Whopper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46cv15/why_did_burger_king_and_dairy_queen_have_a_baby/
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I met a deaf gynecologist today..

Apparently, he reads lips.
(Obligatory: posted this in /r/dadjokes, thought this sub might like it as well.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46cubi/i_met_a_deaf_gynecologist_today/
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How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna go for a bike ride?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46csw2/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I was at a party...

I was walking around when I realized I had left my watch on the bed in the master bedroom.  I worked my way through the crowd of people and opened the bedroom door.  There on the bed was a guy who was sexually assaulting a drunk girl.  I walked right up to him and punched him square in the face.  Nobody is going to sexually assault a girl...not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46cs8a/i_was_at_a_party/
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Baseball in Heaven

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ck3o/baseball_in_heaven/
%
A man shoots a duck from the sky...

but the duck lands in his neighbor's backyard with whom he's always been on bad terms. When he walks over to pick up the duck, his neighbor comes out and says: "This duck is in my backyard, therefore it is my duck."
But the man who shot the duck replies: "That may be true, but I shot the duck. Thus, the duck is mine."
The neighbor then says: "I'll offer you a deal: We play a game where we kick each other in the balls until one of us gives up. The winner gets the duck. Sounds fair?"
The shooter thinks to himself that this is probably his best chance of getting the duck, so he agrees. The neighbor then says: "Alright, since the duck landed in my backyard, I'll start."
So the neighbor kicks the shooter as hard as he can in balls, leaving the shooter crawling on the ground for a good ten minutes. Once he gets up, still shaking from the pain, he says: "Alright, now it's my turn."
But then the neighbor just says: "Nah, I give up, I'm a vegetarian" and walks away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ci35/a_man_shoots_a_duck_from_the_sky/
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I have bad knees. It runs in my family.

Now nobody in my family runs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46cgxq/i_have_bad_knees_it_runs_in_my_family/
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What do black men do after sex?

15 years to life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46cd28/what_do_black_men_do_after_sex/
%
A whorehouse got burned down today...

Some came out running, and some ran out cummimg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ca2g/a_whorehouse_got_burned_down_today/
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A man is driving along and sees a lawyer on the side of the road...

...thinking he'll do the world a favor, he jerks the wheel and runs over the lawyer as he drives by. Further down the road he sees another man along the side of the road and as he gets closer he realizes it's a priest and that he's in need of help. At this point he decides to keep his public service streak going and he pulls over and offers the priest a ride. The two continue on to where they're going when the man sees yet another lawyer on the side of the road. Almost as a reflex he jerks the wheel again to hit him on his way by and only at the last second he remembers there is priest sitting next to him and he swerves back into his lane. He's therefore horrified when he still feels a thud and looks back in his rearview mirror to see the lawyer lying beside the road. "Oh my God Father! I am so sorry! I really didn't mean to! I coulda sworn I missed him!"
To which the priest replies, "Oh you did, but don't worry, I got him with my door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46c57n/a_man_is_driving_along_and_sees_a_lawyer_on_the/
%
On a trip to Ireland....

I stopped in a small town and decided to have a few pints in a local pub. As I sat down an older Irish man took up the stool next to mine. After a while we began to talk.
"Look out the window there sonny" he said. " You see that house down there at the end of the road? I built that house with my own two hands. But they don't call me shamus the house builder, do they?" I started to say something but he went on.
"And you see that dock down there, and the boat at the end of it?" He said. " I built them too. But do they call me shamus the dock builder? No! Do they call me shamus the boat builder? No!"
He took a long swig of his ale and said
"But ya fuck one lousy goat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46c43l/on_a_trip_to_ireland/
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What do you call someone who hangs around with four musicians?

A drummer.
[Bonus]
How do you get the guitarist off your porch?  Pay him for the pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46c3uj/what_do_you_call_someone_who_hangs_around_with/
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Two nuns riding bicycles turn down a cobblestone-paved street...

...and one says to the other, "I've never come this way before."
The second answers, "Neither have I. It must be the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46c3n5/two_nuns_riding_bicycles_turn_down_a/
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What's the difference between a vegetable and a berry?

i can't vegetable my dick so far in your ass whoever could pull it out would be crowned king arthur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46c2dk/whats_the_difference_between_a_vegetable_and_a/
%
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

Taste...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46brkg/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_a_rectal/
%
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46bmw8/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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The Kardashian Family motto:

Getting black men off since the OJ trial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46bliw/the_kardashian_family_motto/
%
As a broke college student, do you know what the best vehicle to have is?

A scholarSHIP.
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46bl13/as_a_broke_college_student_do_you_know_what_the/
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When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did.

Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46bfy7/when_i_die_i_would_like_to_go_peacefully_in_my/
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Why Don't Mathematicians Go to the Beach?

Because all they need are sin and cos to get a tan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46bc7o/why_dont_mathematicians_go_to_the_beach/
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What's the hardest part about being a vegan?

Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46banw/whats_the_hardest_part_about_being_a_vegan/
%
Why are proteins so bad at poker?

They always fold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46b9my/why_are_proteins_so_bad_at_poker/
%
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

Porcupines have pricks on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46b3vd/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
%
Where do Muslims go when they die?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46az4l/where_do_muslims_go_when_they_die/
%
This one guy has a really bad cough

So he walks up to the pharmacist and asks, "Do you have anything for my cough?"
The pharmacist thinks for a little bit before giving him a laxative.
Moments later, after taking the medicine, the guy is standing in the corner looking super uncomfortable.
When another customer sees the guy, she asks the pharmacist why he gave him a laxative.
"Laxatives aren't for coughs..."
So the pharmacist says, "Well, it seems to work."
"What makes you say that?"
"Because now he's too scared to cough!"
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ayh4/this_one_guy_has_a_really_bad_cough/
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Billy was sleeping in his room

when suddenly a flash of light appeared. A man was then standing in Billy's room. Billy was amazed.
Billy asked ''Who are you?''
The man responded with "I'm you from the future"
Billy was amazed to be able to meet his future self.
He asked his older self "What will I be when I grow up?"
The older Billy locked the door and said "A paedophile"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46awxa/billy_was_sleeping_in_his_room/
%
Why did the Cold War never happen?

Because Joseph was Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46asbd/why_did_the_cold_war_never_happen/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46apum/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
What do you hear if you hold a kebap to your ear?

The silence of the lambs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46aohz/what_do_you_hear_if_you_hold_a_kebap_to_your_ear/
%
What's the atheist's view on God?

Nahweh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ahqu/whats_the_atheists_view_on_god/
%
Why did Thor sit comfortably on a cactus?

He has an Asgard
...I'll see myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46agti/why_did_thor_sit_comfortably_on_a_cactus/
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Grandpa was summoned for an audit.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ae5i/grandpa_was_summoned_for_an_audit/
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When colleges ask for my leadership activities...

"I'm a mod on reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46aaj5/when_colleges_ask_for_my_leadership_activities/
%
Lunatic escapes from an asylum, goes to a launderette where he rapes three women before running off into the woods. Next morning's newspaper headlines read....

# **NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46a8nm/lunatic_escapes_from_an_asylum_goes_to_a/
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Charlie and Jason are at the zoo...

...And Jason decided he wanted to see the gorillas. Charlie decided he wants to see the naked mole rats, so they go their separate ways.
Jason walked up to the gorilla cage to see the gorilla staring at him. Jason laughed and waved at the animal jokingly. To his surprise, the gorilla waved back! Jason, surprised, jokingly crossed his eyes. The gorilla did the exact same thing. Laughing, Jason stuck out his tongue.
The gorilla went absolutely apeshit (pun intended) and started screeching at the top of his lungs. He burst open the bars of his cage, grabbed Jason, and threw him against the cement. Only when the zookeeper found them did the gorilla give up.
Charlie, caring for the life of his friend, asked the zookeeper what happened. The zookeeper explained that in gorilla language, sticking out your tongue is the equivalent of flipping someone off.
Two months later, Jason was out of the hospital, and very pissed. Charlie explained what happened, and Jason decided on revenge. Jason stormed home and got a sledgehammer, along with his 3-year-old son's plastic toy hammer. Then, he headed straight to the zoo.
Once he reached the gorilla cage, he sat the sledgehammer down in the gorilla's cage and picked up the toy hammer. The gorilla picked up the sledgehammer, mimicking Jason. Jason raised the hammer above his head, and so did the gorilla. Jason made a face, and the gorilla made the same face. Then, Jason hit himself in the head with the toy hammer.
The gorilla paused, then stuck out his tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46a5fl/charlie_and_jason_are_at_the_zoo/
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Got stuck behind a tractor on the way to work this morning. The bloke on top wouldn't stop screaming "We're all doomed! The end of the world is nigh! Repent!"

Turned out it was Farmer Geddon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46a4dh/got_stuck_behind_a_tractor_on_the_way_to_work/
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What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?

Chicken Caesar Salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46a25y/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_looking_at_a_lettuce/
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Whats the difference between an Asian man and a box of chocolates?

They'll both kill your dog, but the Asian will cook it afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/469pib/whats_the_difference_between_an_asian_man_and_a/
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What's worse than peaking in high school?

Climaxing to middle schoolers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/469ox7/whats_worse_than_peaking_in_high_school/
%
Swimming Cats

There are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux trois cat. who won?
The English cat. The un deux trois quatre cinq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/469mgx/swimming_cats/
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A Chinese man dies and goes to hell

He arrives in time for Hell orientation.  As he walks into the orientation room, he looks around and finds an empty seat and sits down.  The orientation staff woman starts off the meeting with a roll-call:
"Do we have Mr. Johnson present?"
"Here," says a man.
"Mr. Smith?"
"Present," responds another man.
"What about Mr. Wong?"
The Chinese man replies, "Here," just as another Chinese man raises his hand says, "Here," as well.
"Oh my," says the orientation staff person, looking at her sheet.  "It appears there has been a mix-up.  We only have one Mr. Wong penciled in for today.  I saw the duplicate name and entered you both in the system as the same person.  My mistake!  Let's see here... Why don't you both stop by Room 666-b tomorrow morning at 9:00 and we'll see if we can straighten this out."
The next morning, the Chinese man shows up to Room 666-b, and notices the sign above the door: "REINCARNATION SERVICES"
He walks in and is immediately greeted by a man in a nice business suit.  "Good morning, Mr. Wong!  I am the Director of Reincarnation Services.  Please step into my office.  Your associate, Mr. Wong, has already arrived."
He walks into the office and has a seat.  The Director likewise sits down behind his desk and explains, "We are very sorry for the paperwork mix-up yesterday, gentlemen.  Unfortunately, it's going to take about a week to get it all straightened out in our system.  You know how it goes.  But, in the meantime we'd like to make it up to you here at Reincarnation Services!
"In this department, we are responsible for sending souls back up to Earth to haunt the living once again.  We do zombies, wraiths, liches, you name it!  Usually we reserve these services for some of our more senior Hell residents, but seeing as these are special circumstances, I think we can make an exception.  Let's see here... I think we can pencil you in for this Halloween, we can have you come back as a wight to haunt a small town for a week.  How does that sound?"
"Both of us?  As one wight?" the Chinese man asks.
"Yes, remember you are still in the system as a single person until we figure it out.  But we'll send you up top for a week, you'll have the time of your afterlife, and by the time you get back we'll have it all sorted out."
"Well, yeah, that sounds pretty great," says the Chinese man.
"Good!  Now let me just place a phone call and set up the details."  And the Director picks up the phone and dials a number.  "Yes... Hello, I have two gentlemen here I'd like to send up as a wight this Halloween... Yes, those two... Yes... Uh huh... What do you mean you can't?  You won't make an exception?... Alright, I see... Alright, yes, goodbye."
The Director hangs up and says to the two Chinese men, "I'm very sorry sirs, but it appears we can't do that."
"Well why not?" they reply.
"It's company policy.  Two Wongs can't make a wight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/469keo/a_chinese_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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What's the difference between cider and apple juice?

My wife doesn't let me cum in apple juice :-(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/469h5a/whats_the_difference_between_cider_and_apple_juice/
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What does a dwarf and a midget have in common?

Very little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/469fvv/what_does_a_dwarf_and_a_midget_have_in_common/
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What do cats listen to during their free time?

they listen to podcats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/469dtl/what_do_cats_listen_to_during_their_free_time/
%
Ron Chestna was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

.
and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46986c/ron_chestna_was_stopped_by_the_police_around_2_am/
%
Tried to make my coffee with Red Bull today...

I made it all the way to work before I realized I had forgotten my truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4694wc/tried_to_make_my_coffee_with_red_bull_today/
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A man is at the zoo...

... and comes to a silver back gorilla exhibit and he notices a sign. The sign states " Please do not tap the gorilla". He looks around and says fuck it and taps the gorilla.
The gorilla breaks out the cage violently and starts chasing the man. He realizes the bad choice that he made. He starts running away but realizes that the gorilla will catch up to him and maul him.
He finds a car and starts driving and thinks he's the clear. Looking in the rear view mirror, he connected eyes with gorilla who was right on his tail. The gorilla starts to attack the back of the car and the man makes it to the pier and hopping out and starts running to a speedboat. On the speedboat he revs it up to 100 MPH and thinks he's in the clear, only to see the gorilla swimming closely behind him. He docks the boat across the lake and and continues running.
Looking back he sees that the gorilla hasn't given up chase at all. He finds himself backed up against a tree, so he puts a bandana over his eyes and starts to smoke a cigarette; waiting for his demise. The gorilla comes up, taps him and says " TAG YOU'RE IT".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/469428/a_man_is_at_the_zoo/
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Why was the teacher arrested for writing in permanent marker?

He wrote "1 + 0 = 0" and then spent the rest of the lesson trying to rub one out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4693f6/why_was_the_teacher_arrested_for_writing_in/
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Why do Jews have blue penises?

Because they're tight-fisted wankers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/468nfw/why_do_jews_have_blue_penises/
%
Little bit of dark humour for you!

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'  The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'  Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/468hi6/little_bit_of_dark_humour_for_you/
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It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/468ew8/its_the_world_cup_final_and_a_man_makes_his_way/
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I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner...

...all it was doing was gathering dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/468cvw/i_recently_decided_to_sell_my_vacuum_cleaner/
%
A billionaire decides to build a palace

to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billionaire sends out his invitations. A few weeks later he sees Jefferson Airplane, The Beetles, Jimmy Hendrix and a hoard of 60’s luminaries standing in the grass, but none are coming inside. Paul McCartney is playing cards with Mick Jagger.
The billionaire is stunned. “I’ve spent a year building this palace, making it perfect in every detail for the best musicians the 60’s has ever known. Why won’t you come inside?”
John Lennon adjusts his glasses and calls out: “You forgot The Doors.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4689fo/a_billionaire_decides_to_build_a_palace/
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A young woman is hitchhiking on the side of a road in the middle of nowhere.

It's late in the evening and the road is empty. The sun is setting and light rain starts to fall. Finally, she spots a car. The driver stops, rolls down the window, looks at her and says:
"Hey, If I gave you a ride, would you blow me?"
She's shocked. "What?! NO!"
"Too bad." He says and drives away.
An hour goes by. It's getting dark and the rain is now quite heavy. Her clothes are soaking wet and cold. Finally, she spots another car and waves to stop them. The driver rolls down the window, looks at her and goes:
"Hello there... say, if I gave you a ride, would you blow me?"
She's frustrated. "Jesus not this again. NO! I wouldn't."
"Eh, tough luck babe." And drives away.
Another hour goes by. It's now totally dark and the rain turned into a blizzard. She is freezing and barely able to walk. Suddenly, a pair of lights pierces the snowstorm. it's a car! She is jumping  and waving her arms to make them stop. The driver stops, rolls down the window and says:
"Hey there. If I gave you a ride, would you blow me?"
She's desperate and gives up. "Yes! Yes I would blow you."
He looks her up and down...."Yeah sorry I don't give rides to whores." and drives away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46895l/a_young_woman_is_hitchhiking_on_the_side_of_a/
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A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary

, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne.
A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."
"What? How could you?"
"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."
"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?"
"Do you remember that you wanted that position, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job."
"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?"
"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4681af/a_loving_couple_was_celebrating_their_25th/
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Why do smart people wear glasses?

Because as resolution goes down performance goes up.
This is a little bad but....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/467u7e/why_do_smart_people_wear_glasses/
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Why is Daredevil not a part of the Avengers?

Because he doesn't work with Vision﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/467nap/why_is_daredevil_not_a_part_of_the_avengers/
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How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/467l5r/how_do_you_get_an_emo_out_of_a_tree/
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Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

There's a great view, but no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/467et9/have_you_heard_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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Having sex with me is like playing Hide-and-seek

After the first 30 seconds, I'm yelling "Ready or not, here i come!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/466w7p/having_sex_with_me_is_like_playing_hideandseek/
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The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.  One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my fiancé came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/466tra/the_black_bra_as_told_by_a_woman/
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Why is B so cool?

Because it is next to the AC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/466pes/why_is_b_so_cool/
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Guy walks out of a bar...

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone else left the bar and drove off.
Finally as he started his engine and began to pull away the police officer stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0 The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/466nj1/guy_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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Native Americans are all pissed that we took their land when they were here first...

..but we made reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/466l6c/native_americans_are_all_pissed_that_we_took/
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Helpful Engineer

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/466kvw/helpful_engineer/
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The Lawyer's Car

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"
"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.
"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/466je4/the_lawyers_car/
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Wearing crocs is like getting your dick sucked by a man.

Feels great and then you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/466itx/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_your_dick_sucked_by/
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I'll stop at nothing...

...to avoid using negative numbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/466hsh/ill_stop_at_nothing/
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Pavlov hears a bell ring...

He says, "Aw! I forgot to feed the dogs again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/466cqi/pavlov_hears_a_bell_ring/
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Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.
Credit to my younger brother on this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/466c82/did_you_know_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
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Stripper from the bachelor party

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4668vr/stripper_from_the_bachelor_party/
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There was this one lady, she named all her kids Leeroy. Another woman at the park asked her why. She said cause when I want them to do something I just say "Leeroy you better clean this up" or "Leeroy come to dinner" and they all do it. But what if one is in trouble the woman asked?

Why, then, I just use his last name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46664k/there_was_this_one_lady_she_named_all_her_kids/
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Speeding Ticket Test

A man is driving down the highway going 90 mph when he is pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up to the car and talks to the man.
Cop: Do you know I clocked you going 90 mph, I'm going to have to give you a ticket.
Man: Please officer, I'm on my way to the city. My son is in the hospital and I need to be with him.
Cop: I'm sorry but I need to give you a ticket.
Man: Sir, I've never had a ticket in over 40 years of driving. Can you please let me go?
Cop: How about this, I ask you a question. If you get it right you get no ticket, but if you're wrong you get a ticket. Fair?
Man: Sounds fair.
Cop: You're driving down the highway at night, and in the other lane you see 2 square lights coming toward you. What is it?
Man: Well its a car!
Cop: That's not specific enough, it could be a Honda, a Chevy or a Ford.
Man: Well that's just not fair...
Cop: Well how about this one? You're driving down the highway and you see a singular light coming toward you. What is it?
Man: Well its obviously a motorcycle.
Cop: That's not specific enough, it could be a Harley Davidson, could be a Honda, or a Kawasaki
Man: Sir these questions just aren't fair!
Cop: Oh well, looks like you're getting a ticket!
Man: How about this, I ask you a question. If you get it right you give me a ticket, if you're wrong I don't get a ticket. Fair?
Cop: Go ahead.
Man: You're driving down the street when all of a sudden you see this woman dressed very scantily, with her cleavage showing, a lot of make up, a little purse and every man that walks by her she hits on. What is that?
Cop: Well its obviously a whore!
Man: Well that's not specific enough! It could be your wife, your mother, your daughter or your sister!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46605l/speeding_ticket_test/
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Which American president was not guilty?

Lincoln, he was in a cent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/465wni/which_american_president_was_not_guilty/
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I failed my biology test today.

The question was: "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently, "African Americans" wasn't the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/465rr2/i_failed_my_biology_test_today/
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The only thing harder than diamonds

a redneck at his family reunion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/465n4m/the_only_thing_harder_than_diamonds/
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A nurse goes to sign a discharge form and pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket.

'Oh great, some arsehole's got my pen.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/465ldl/a_nurse_goes_to_sign_a_discharge_form_and_pulls_a/
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What happens when U change position too fast?

You get an unpleasant vowel movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46572t/what_happens_when_u_change_position_too_fast/
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My girlfriend said that if this get 1000 upvotes, we will try anal!

Please don't upvote, her strap-on is huge!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4655oe/my_girlfriend_said_that_if_this_get_1000_upvotes/
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I was having sex with my teacher last night

She kept spelling "run". It was weird, I had to get out of there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4655ku/i_was_having_sex_with_my_teacher_last_night/
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How do you distinguish a French tank from a British tank?

The rear-view mirrors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4654w1/how_do_you_distinguish_a_french_tank_from_a/
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Irish WW2 pilot

An old Irish World War II Spitfire pilot and flying ACE, was speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared."
There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle. "I looked up, and realized that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail."
At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly. The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war." "Yes, that's true," says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4651qu/irish_ww2_pilot/
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What is the medical term for a fat cow?

Morbidly o-beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/464z2k/what_is_the_medical_term_for_a_fat_cow/
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Jeb Bush just tweeted a picture of a gun engraved with 'Gov. Jeb Bush' with the caption 'America'

At least he'll never have to get it re-engraved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/464wwv/jeb_bush_just_tweeted_a_picture_of_a_gun_engraved/
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I'm divorcing Norman

A woman said to her mother, "All the pervert wants is anal sex. My rectum is now the size of a 50-cent piece!  It used to be about the size of a dime!"
Her mother replied, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over some asshole worth 40 fucking cents?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/464wqc/im_divorcing_norman/
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A man knocks on the door of a supposed to be 'exclusive' brothel

A man knocks on the door of a supposed to be  'exclusive' brothel.
Through a small window in the door,the madam says,"What can I do for you,sir?"
"I'd like to get screwed," he answered.
"This is an exclusive club,"she explains."To join,you must slip a thousand dollars under the door."
The man does so,but the door doesn't open.
So he knocks again and the madam re-appears
The man says,"Hey, I'd like to get screwed."
The madam : "Again ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/464wiw/a_man_knocks_on_the_door_of_a_supposed_to_be/
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I asked a librarian

About some books about Pavlov's dogs and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rings a bell, but doesn't know if it's here or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/464tkk/i_asked_a_librarian/
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When I drink alcohol... Everyone says that I'm alcoholic

But When I drink Fanta... No one says I’m fantastic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/464o0l/when_i_drink_alcohol_everyone_says_that_im/
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It's been a long hard winter for Mr. And Mrs. Mole...

It's been cold and dark and, well, dank, down in their molehill. Baby Mole is too young to remember the warm days of spring.
One fine morning in March a breeze from above wafts through the burrow. "Do you smell that?" cries Mr. Mole as he scurries up the narrow tunnel to the entrance to the burrow.
"I do!" replies Mrs. Mole, and follows him so quickly that she and Mr. Mole become wedged at the opening to their home.
Baby Mole follows,but there is no room for him to poke his head out of the hole.
"Oh, just smell that, it's finally spring!" calls Daddy.
"Oh, yes, there is nothing that smells this sweet!" replies Mama. "Can you smell it Baby?!"
"No" replies Baby Mole. "All I can smell is molasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/464kdh/its_been_a_long_hard_winter_for_mr_and_mrs_mole/
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I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from,

then it dawned on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/464j6r/i_woke_up_this_morning_and_forgot_which_side_the/
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What did the clown say after having a few drinks?

"I'm feeling funny"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/464fpj/what_did_the_clown_say_after_having_a_few_drinks/
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Ronda Rousey says she contemplated suicide.

Holly Holm declined the rematch though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/464fmw/ronda_rousey_says_she_contemplated_suicide/
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Without nipples...

... Breasts would be pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/464fic/without_nipples/
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My wife told me to prepare our ginger son for his first day at school.

So I beat him up and took his dinner money off him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/464e96/my_wife_told_me_to_prepare_our_ginger_son_for_his/
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Remember, if you smoke after sex...

...You're doing it too fast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/464cpc/remember_if_you_smoke_after_sex/
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What do you call a comic book hero that is constantly hooked on having sex with female superheroes?

A heroine addict.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4649no/what_do_you_call_a_comic_book_hero_that_is/
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On a really hot day, a penguin takes his car to a mechanic

The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, I was just eating ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46488j/on_a_really_hot_day_a_penguin_takes_his_car_to_a/
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What's the difference between someone falling from 21st floor and 1st floor?

21st floor person goes: AHHHHHHHHHH *thump*
1st floor goes: *thump* AHHHHHHHHHH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4647zd/whats_the_difference_between_someone_falling_from/
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A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hyped up about the Super Bowl.

“It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”
“Then I’d be a football fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46447l/a_firstgrade_teacher_cant_believe_her_student/
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False teeth.

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4641i4/false_teeth/
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A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body

.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46413p/a_woman_in_a_bikini_reveals_about_90_of_her_body/
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When you get a bladder infection

urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/463z2y/when_you_get_a_bladder_infection/
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Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?

To draw blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/463yvh/why_does_a_blonde_nurse_carry_around_a_red_pen/
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A naked women robs a bank

. Nobody could remember her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/463x9j/a_naked_women_robs_a_bank/
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My girlfriend told me I was one in a million

. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/463vfk/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_was_one_in_a_million/
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John dies and he meets Saint Peter.

Saint Peter: "You were indeed a good man. Come, I will walk you to Heaven."
They started walking through a long hall. On the walls, there were lots and lots of watches. Curious, the man asks:
John: "What's the deal with all these watches?"
Saint Peter: "You see, these are called lying watches. Everytime someone says a lie, the arms move. Look at this one for example. It belonged to Mother Teresa. Its arms never moved, not even once. We also have lying watches for every profession of mankind. Here are the lawyers', engineers', farmers'..."
John: "What about this empty spot?"
Saint Peter: "Oh, here it used to be the politicians' watch."
John: "What happened to it?"
Saint Peter: "Jesus uses it as a fan in his office."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/463tsh/john_dies_and_he_meets_saint_peter/
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What Supreme Court decision applies to fishermen bringing a small boat to shore?

Row v. Wade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/463oxh/what_supreme_court_decision_applies_to_fishermen/
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Little Johnny is spending the weekend at his grandparents house

He is following his grandfather around. His grandfather gets on a big tractor to mow the lawn.
Fascinated, Johnny says, "Wow! Can i try to drive it?"
His granddad replies, "can the tip of your penis touch your asshole?"
Johnny, shocked, says "No..."
"Then you're not old enough"
In taking a break from mowing, he pulls out a cigar and starts to smoke.
"Wow! Can i have a puff?"
"Can the tip of your penis touch your asshole?"
"No..."
"Then you're not old enough"
The old man finishes mowing and goes inside and cracks open a beer.
"Wow! Can i have a sip?
"Can the tip of your penis touch your asshole?"
"No...."
"Then you're not old enough"
Later in the evening, Johnny is sitting in front of the TV eating cookies his grandmother made him. His grandpa comes into the room and says "Wow! Can i have a cookie?"
Johnny stares at him blankly and says, "can the tip of your penis touch your asshole?"
His grandfather smugly says "why as a matterof fact, it can."
Johnny looks up from the TV and says, "Then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/463nqd/little_johnny_is_spending_the_weekend_at_his/
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What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/463n31/what_kind_of_shorts_do_clouds_wear/
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A guy asks a girl to a dance...

A guy asks a girl to a dance. She says yes, so he immediately starts preparing. He goes to the car rental, stands in line to rent a limo. He goes to the tailor, stands in line to rent a tux. Then he goes to the florist, and stands in line to get his date a corsage.
The big night finally comes, so he goes to pick up his date, wearing his rented tux, in his rented limo, with her fancy corsage. They drive to the dance, stand in line to get in, then finally, they're inside. She says she's thirsty, so he goes to get her some punch. There is no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/463mpd/a_guy_asks_a_girl_to_a_dance/
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what did the biologist say to his sister when she dropped a flask on his foot?

Mitosis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/463mll/what_did_the_biologist_say_to_his_sister_when_she/
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A company hire an efficiency expert as a consultant.

To everyone's surprise, the presentation was very interesting. For once many felt like this was a valuable use of time! as the presenter finished up, he said, "I hope you have found use in my presentation today, but I would warn you, be careful about using these techniques at home. The other night I was watching as my wife did the dinner dishes, and noticed some inefficiency in her technique. Wanting to be helpful, I advised her of several small improvements that could add up to maximum efficiency."
One of the attendees raised their hand,"Did it work? Did the dishwashing become more efficient?"
"Oh yes," the consultant replied,"before my advice, my wife took 18 minutes to finish the dishes, now I do it in 12."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4639s3/a_company_hire_an_efficiency_expert_as_a/
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A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
Edit 2: This got more attention then expected.. No karma for text post though!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4637jo/a_man_orders_a_coffee/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef Stroganoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4636gz/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
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Why are all black people scared of sleeping?

'Cause one had a dream, and he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4634jy/why_are_all_black_people_scared_of_sleeping/
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Don't spell "part" backward!

It's a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4632hm/dont_spell_part_backward/
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[Gaming] Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/462zzt/gaming_why_did_the_console_player_cross_the_road/
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Why don't Jews go to Jupiter?

Because it's a gas planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/462ywn/why_dont_jews_go_to_jupiter/
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A man is about to jump off a building.

A physicist tells him
"Don't jump! You have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/462m6l/a_man_is_about_to_jump_off_a_building/
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I found out today that French fries were weren't created in France.

They were created in Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/462m4g/i_found_out_today_that_french_fries_were_werent/
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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire...

...A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/462ln9/at_a_winery_the_regular_taster_died_and_the/
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Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman...

Join the crusades and have been caught in the Bazaars of Constantinople by the Saracen Army. Dodging in between the shops they spy an alleyway and dash down it. Seeing its a dead end they look for a place to hide. They notice three large wicker baskets they all jump in one and with baited breath wait for the soldiers to walk by.
The commander of the Saracen patrol isnt stupid and checks the alleyway spotting the three baskets and with his Scimitar pokes the first basket. The Englishman, expecting this says "woof! woof!" The Saracen, content walks up and pokes the next basket,  "Meow! Meow!" says the Scotsman. The Commander moves onto  the third basket, Paddys basket, gives it a poke... "Potato's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/462hca/englishman_scotsman_and_an_irishman/
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A farmer heads to town to buy a bull.

A cow-herding farmer decides he wants to get into the cow-breeding business, so he takes his saved money, tells his wife he'll send her a telegram when he's got a bull for pickup, and heads towards town.
Once he's there, he realizes that the bull's gonna cost a bit more than he expected. So when he gets to the telegram office it turns out he's only got enough cash for a one-word telegram. He thinks long and hard on this, and pays the man to send the word "Comfortable".
The telegram guy looks at him sideways, and asks if he's sure. The man replies "Don't worry, she's not good at reading. With such a long word, she'll read it real slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/462f3d/a_farmer_heads_to_town_to_buy_a_bull/
%
I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign

Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/462amt/i_donated_10_to_bernies_campaign/
%
I saw leaked footage of Finding Dory yesterday

Bruce the shark is now called Caitlyn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/462a90/i_saw_leaked_footage_of_finding_dory_yesterday/
%
What does Bill Clinton say to Hilary after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4627oo/what_does_bill_clinton_say_to_hilary_after_sex/
%
What is a Mathematician's favorite thing to drink?

Root beer.
(tbh: found on a Laffy taffy wrapper)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4626zb/what_is_a_mathematicians_favorite_thing_to_drink/
%
Who is the king of the pencil case?

The Ruler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/462622/who_is_the_king_of_the_pencil_case/
%
Old lady at the bus stop

So I was at the bus stop and there was an old, very ugly little lady standing there with a parrot on her shoulder. She saw me and cackled "Boy, if you can tell which animal I have on my shoulder, I will take you home and fuck your brains out."
I thought for a moment and replied "Uhh... an elephant."
She said "Close enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/462317/old_lady_at_the_bus_stop/
%
Watching the olympic 100m is like witnessing a crime

You hear a gunshot and a second after you see 8 black guys running away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4620zr/watching_the_olympic_100m_is_like_witnessing_a/
%
Why are pills white?

Because they work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461yw8/why_are_pills_white/
%
Capital letters...

...the difference between using chemicals to remove polish, and using chemicals to remove Polish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461yo4/capital_letters/
%
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to "Dick".

Especially since his name is Steve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461ynm/my_boss_hates_it_when_i_shorten_his_name_to_dick/
%
Grandma and Grandpa

are sitting at church on Easter Sunday, and Grandma leans over and whispers, "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"
Grandpa leans back and replies, "You should get new batteries for your hearing aids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461yc5/grandma_and_grandpa/
%
Anyone know someone who owns an ark?

I think I Noah guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461xc6/anyone_know_someone_who_owns_an_ark/
%
Two Polish guys are hunting for bears in the woods.

They come across a fork in the road with a sign that says "BEAR LEFT" They both turn around and go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461wyt/two_polish_guys_are_hunting_for_bears_in_the_woods/
%
"You're going to leave me for someone younger," my wife explained.

"That's not right," I assured her. "They could be older too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461wmz/youre_going_to_leave_me_for_someone_younger_my/
%
Just burnt my Hawaiian pizza...

Guess I should've put it on aloha temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461vzk/just_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80

Aye matey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461pux/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
What do you call a homeless horse with a Borderline Personality Disorder ?

Unstable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461ona/what_do_you_call_a_homeless_horse_with_a/
%
Joke my scinence teacher dropped on us

A lithium atom walked into a bar and said
"Hey I think I left some electrons in here last night, have you seen any?"
The bar tender replied, "No, are you sure you lost them?"
The lithium atom replied "Yes I'm positive..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461og2/joke_my_scinence_teacher_dropped_on_us/
%
My friend keeps telling me I'm in the closet

I just say it's Narnia business!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461o4s/my_friend_keeps_telling_me_im_in_the_closet/
%
A girl just got her new mirror and asks it...

Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the most beautiful of all?
And the mirror answers:
"Yiu err hte meost beutifel off ael"
...every fucking time I try to assemble this IKEA shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461nuk/a_girl_just_got_her_new_mirror_and_asks_it/
%
I once shot a deer in my pajamas...

How it got in my pajamas, I will never know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461nah/i_once_shot_a_deer_in_my_pajamas/
%
Opposites

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461jtg/opposites/
%
Don't read this if you don't like sensitive topics

Biting into an ice cream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/461fx2/dont_read_this_if_you_dont_like_sensitive_topics/
%
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46187n/whats_the_difference_between_isaac_newton_and_the/
%
What did the tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4614y8/what_did_the_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
How many US Congress members does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. They just hold it still and wait for the world to revolve around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4613b9/how_many_us_congress_members_does_it_take_to/
%
Why was the scarecrow promoted?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46116i/why_was_the_scarecrow_promoted/
%
Sex is a beautiful thing

This young teenage couple is madly in love and have been dating for some time now. They haven't had sex yet and one day the couple was out on a picnic and the girls tell the boy she wants him to finally meet her parents at dinner tomorrow and after they can make love for the first time.
The boy agrees. After agreeing he realizes he knows absolutely nothing about sex or literally anything about it. So, the next day all day before the big dinner the boy goes to the nearest pharmacy and talks to the pharmacist and tells him about his situation.
The pharmacist is more then willing to tell the boy about the birds and the bees and some things he should try out and some of his favorites things to do. After a couple hours of learning how to satisfy a women the pharmacist asks the young man what size condom he wants regular Trojans or Trojan magnums, and the boy said the magnums. So, off the boy went to get ready for dinner.
The boy arrives later that night to the girls house happy as can be and excited to meet his lovers parents and have a night to remember. The boy gets inside meets the parents and settles in for dinner.  The food is out and ready to be eaten, but before eating the family must say grace. After grace has been said the family is eating except the boy who came over. He keeps his head bowed and eyes closed. The family continues to eat and eat. The food on everyone's plate is nearly gone, and the boys head is still down. The boys girlfriend leans over and tells him, "Wow, I didn't know you were so religious." The boy replies.. " Ya, and I didn't know your dad was the pharmacist.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/460ztd/sex_is_a_beautiful_thing/
%
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to screw in the light bulb, two to make a documentary about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/460zpl/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/460ylj/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
My math teacher called me average the other day.

I thought it was mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/460usx/my_math_teacher_called_me_average_the_other_day/
%
A girl walks into a supermarket...

She picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.
The cashier looks at her and the items she has and says, "I can tell you're single."
She smiles and responds, "How do you know that?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/460uli/a_girl_walks_into_a_supermarket/
%
I was watching the Grammys when something hit me

my dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/460u4g/i_was_watching_the_grammys_when_something_hit_me/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/460t82/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Trump's tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/460rky/whats_18_inches_long_and_hangs_in_front_of_an/
%
Did you hear about the perverted statistician?

Standard deviation wasn't enough for him anymore...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/460qmc/did_you_hear_about_the_perverted_statistician/
%
why did russia execute its jeopardy winner?

he knew too much

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/460pm5/why_did_russia_execute_its_jeopardy_winner/
%
Three boys are walking next to eachother in a park one day

Their names are Fuck you, Shit and Manners.
All three are talking about their day when Shit trips over and lands on the floor quite hard, twisting his ankle.
Manners being the closest runs to him and tries to help him up, but can't as he is in too much pain.
Fuck you, in a panic, franticly searches for someone to help them, stopping at a policeman about 50 yards away.
He sprints to the policeman and begins pleading for his help.
"Sir! My friend's fallen and he's hurt hi-"
"Now, now boy, Slow down a bit. What's your name?"
"Fuck you, sir!"
"Excuse me? Where are your manners boy?"
"Over there sir, picking up Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/460omm/three_boys_are_walking_next_to_eachother_in_a/
%
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/460hms/i_have_just_started_a_sexual_relationship_with_a/
%
My dad just won the nonexistent Grammy joke competition.

We're watching the Grammys as a family when the Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood performance came up. We watched it in silence and then talked about the performance once it finished. My mother thought Sam Hunt looked similar to someone and thus the joke begins:
Mom: "Hmm. That guy looks like someone else. Does he have any family?"
Dad: (gives a thoughtful look before replying) "Yeah he looks really familiar... Oh! His brother is Mike!"
Mom: "Mike Hunt?..."
(My dad breaks out into the biggest grin on record and we both start laughing our asses off)
Mom: "Oh **dammit.**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/460bwc/my_dad_just_won_the_nonexistent_grammy_joke/
%
My daughter keeps rubbing lemon skin all over herself.

I think she's pozest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4609zr/my_daughter_keeps_rubbing_lemon_skin_all_over/
%
Why was Kylo Ren embarrassed at McDonald's?

It was his First Order!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4606o5/why_was_kylo_ren_embarrassed_at_mcdonalds/
%
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip....

they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4604z6/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_statistician_go_on/
%
So there were two men and a dog...

Andy had just gotten off of work and was about to get on the subway. He sees a man and a dog right next to him. He wanted to pet the dog because he felt so depressed from work.
"Does your dog bite?" asked the man.
"Ey, mate. My dog is the nicest dog of 'em all, wouldn't hurt a fly."
So Andy reached his hand up to pet the dog. He got his hand a bit close to its ear and CHOMP. The dog bit into his hand pretty far.
"Hey, dude! What's the big idea? I thought you said your dog didn't bite?"
"That is not my dog, mate".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4603mw/so_there_were_two_men_and_a_dog/
%
Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight...

So as an adult, I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4603la/just_saw_two_elementary_school_kids_in_a_fistfight/
%
Have you heard of the band 1023 Megabytes?

They've never had any gigs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46011p/have_you_heard_of_the_band_1023_megabytes/
%
Cheeky

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45zfxg/cheeky/
%
9 years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45zd83/9_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_out_on/
%
A young boy enters a barber shop...

...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45z99w/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
%
Aussie Outback Help Line

Phone Operator: "G'day mate ....  Helpline here ........What's the
problem?"
Customer: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung
on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"
Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"
Customer: "Great advice!  Thanks mate, bye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45z4h4/aussie_outback_help_line/
%
A customer at a hotel resort goes to complain to the manager.

"Manager," he says, "there are far too many mosquitoes here. Is there perhaps something you can do to fix it?"
The manager replies: "Absolutely sir, when the mosquitoes get particularly bad we use my grandfather. We bring him out on his wheelchair and cover him in honey and all the mosquitoes flock to him so that the rest of us can enjoy a nice mosquito-free evening."
The incredulous customer says: "Why, that's absolutely barbaric! The old man must scratch himself to death!"
The manager replies: "Oh, not at all sir. On the contrary... he's paralyzed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45z2ab/a_customer_at_a_hotel_resort_goes_to_complain_to/
%
A man died and went to heaven

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Wait a minute," said the man. "I don't see any clocks with the names of actual politicians."
"That's right!" said St. Peter. "We moved all of them into a big field to the west of here and set up a wind farm. We sell the excess power to hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45z1a0/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
A customer at a restaurant finds a hair in his meatballs.

He calls the waiter over and says: "Excuse me, but there appears to be a hair in my meatballs."
The waiter says: "Sorry about that. You see, we just hired a brand new chef and he has a very unique approach to making meatballs. He likes to take the ground meat and roll it on his chest into the shape of a ball. One of his chest hairs must have gotten in..."
The customer, astonished,  says: "Why that's absolutely disgusting! I can't believe anybody would do such a thing."
The waiter says: "Oh i see. Well then I guess i better not tell you how he makes the doughnuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45z0fs/a_customer_at_a_restaurant_finds_a_hair_in_his/
%
Divorced Barbie

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's
birthday.
He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean?"
"We have, work out Barbie for $19.95, shopping Barbie for $19.95, beach Barbie for $19.95, disco Barbie for $19.95, astronaut Barbie for $19.95, skater Barbie for $19.95, and divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's truck, Ken's house, Ken's fishing boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ywr6/divorced_barbie/
%
My wife hates when I make jokes about her weight...

...She needs to lighten up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45yt0r/my_wife_hates_when_i_make_jokes_about_her_weight/
%
Man demanded his wife bury him with all his money

There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money.
He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, ‘Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life.’
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. When one day he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, ‘Wait a minute!’
She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.”
“Her friend said, ‘I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.’
She said, ‘Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was to put that money in that casket with him.’
‘You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?’
‘I sure did,’ said the wife. ‘I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ymzc/man_demanded_his_wife_bury_him_with_all_his_money/
%
Amish Brakes

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy
when she is pulled over by a cop.
Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you
a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.
Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
That's fine.  Another thing, ma'am.  I don't like the way that  one rein
loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls.  I consider
that animal abuse.  That's cruelty to animals.  Have  your husband take
care of that right away!
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter
with the cop.
Well, dear, what exactly did he say?
He said the reflector is broken.
I can fix that in two minutes.  What else?
I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ymml/amish_brakes/
%
94 Days

A group of U-Dinks were celebrating in a bar. "94 days!" they hooted,
"94 days!!!" They continued all through the night, slapping each
other on the back and drinking everything in sight. "94 days!!!"
The bartender was pleased with the increase in sales but puzzled by
the meaning of their yells. "94 days!" they slurred boastfully.
Finally, the bartender managed to pull one aside and asked, "This
is quite a celebration."
"Sure is," the U-Dink swayed, "we did it in 94 days."
"Did what?" the bartender probed.
"We put the puzzle together in 94 days." the U-Dink beamed back.
"That must have been quite a challenge??"
"It sure was," the U-Dink boasted, "on the end of the box it
said 5 to 7 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ykkz/94_days/
%
I'm not saying she's fat...

....But if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know, She'd be three of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45yixd/im_not_saying_shes_fat/
%
I hate those Russian dolls

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45yg7k/i_hate_those_russian_dolls/
%
Chinese Doctor

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Chinese Doctors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45yg2k/chinese_doctor/
%
I'm in a band called "Echoes"

You've probably heard us before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45y4k8/im_in_a_band_called_echoes/
%
Last week I went golfing and finally beat my wife...

Those are two separate things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45y47t/last_week_i_went_golfing_and_finally_beat_my_wife/
%
What did the snobby bird say to the poor bird?

*Cheep, cheep.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45y1mk/what_did_the_snobby_bird_say_to_the_poor_bird/
%
Bird puns

I am a bird enthusiast. My friend tried to annoy me with bird puns, but then I realized: toucan play at that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45y17j/bird_puns/
%
I was absolutely fuming when I walked out of the art store earlier

Bitch didn't have my Monet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45xzvr/i_was_absolutely_fuming_when_i_walked_out_of_the/
%
What do you use to gamble on vacation?

Pair-a-dice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45xyfy/what_do_you_use_to_gamble_on_vacation/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45xy4b/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_dog_lying_in/
%
Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45xvxk/two_factory_workers_are_talking/
%
Chuck the Mailman was retiring.

Chuck the mailman, after 30 years on the same route, was retiring. On his last day, several customers on his route gave him gifts to celebrate his career. The Jones gave him a set of golf clubs, the Millers gave him a gift card for a nice restaurant.
Finally he walked up to his last house. He was about to walk away when the door opened and he was greeted by a beautiful blonde in very revealing lingerie.
Without a word she took his hand and led him up to her bedroom, and they proceeded to make passionate love unlike anything he had ever dreamed. She then left the room and returned with a large tray filled with a gourmet breakfast.  Chuck was famished from their exertions and dug in. After a while he was satisfied like he had never been before, when he noticed a dollar bill tucked under the coffee cup.  Finally his curiosity got the better of him and he addressed the girl.
"Listen, this has all been so great. Beyond my wildest dreams in every way, but I have to ask: after all this, what's with the dollar?"
"Well," said the blonde,"last night I told my husband that Chuck the Mailman was retiring, and asked what we should give you.  He said, 'Fuck him, give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45xt7j/chuck_the_mailman_was_retiring/
%
The funny thing about the shit I just took is?

I don't remember eating that much blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45xm3z/the_funny_thing_about_the_shit_i_just_took_is/
%
What do womens' breasts & toy trains have in common?

There're intended for children, but it's the fathers that wind up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45xhm7/what_do_womens_breasts_toy_trains_have_in_common/
%
Werner Heisenberg's epitaph:

Here lies Heisenberg.
^^^?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45xgp2/werner_heisenbergs_epitaph/
%
A new hospital opens for the first time, and the doctor is getting antsy...

"What are we waiting for?" the doctor asks.
"Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45xddl/a_new_hospital_opens_for_the_first_time_and_the/
%
Why are pizza makers always poor?

Because they knead dough to make a living.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45x0st/why_are_pizza_makers_always_poor/
%
Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn't want to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45wzg1/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
There's one good thing about suffering from insomnia

3 more sleeps 'til Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45wy9e/theres_one_good_thing_about_suffering_from/
%
A man joins an order of Monks.

A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order.  You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years.  What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar."  The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years.  What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin."  Replies the man.  Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed.  Have you anything to say?".
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order.  It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best.  You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ww9i/a_man_joins_an_order_of_monks/
%
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45wpsa/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one/
%
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45wmyk/wife_i_look_fat_can_you_give_me_a_compliment/
%
The man who stutters tremendously finds a horse...

The man who stutters tremendously finds a horse on the street in Brooklyn. He decides call the police.
Man: I've f-f-found a w-w-wandering h-h-horse.
Policeman: Okay. We will come. Where are you now?
Man: In Br-r ... (stutters tremendously)
Policeman: Bronx?
Man: Br-r ... Damn (hangs up because he can not speak anymore)
He calls again.
Man: I've c-c-called earlier a-a-about the h-h-horse.
Policeman: Okay. Where are you?
Man: In Br-r ... (stutters tremendously)
Policeman: Bronx?
Man: Br-r ... Damn (hangs up again)
He calls again and once again they repeat the same unsuccessful conversation as before.
Half an hour later the man calls again.
Man: I'm c-c-calling for the h-horse.
Policeman: Where are you?
Man: In Br-r ...
Policeman: Bronx?
Man: Yes, I am. I've d-d-dragged it there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45w9w9/the_man_who_stutters_tremendously_finds_a_horse/
%
Husband is in mood for some 69..

.. wife says, sure but it's that time of the month, but if you don't mind, I don't mind. Husband says, I don't mind.
They go upstairs, and start the rompity-pompity-lickty-sickity-69.
Mail man shows up. Damn! bad timing!
Wife, I'm naked, I can't go. Go check the door.
Husband looks up, says, I can't go, I have blood all over my face.
Wife says, oh don't worry, just tell him you were eating a strawberry jelly sandwich. OKAY! Husband runs downstairs.
Opens door. Mailman looks at him, is aghast! :-o
Husband: Oh .. uhh my face.
Yeah don't worry, I was just eating a strawberry jelly sandwich.
Mailman: It's not the strawberry jelly on your face I'm worried about. It's the peanut butter on your forehead!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45w81w/husband_is_in_mood_for_some_69/
%
Why do ISIS fighters avoid Montreal restaurants?

because they serve Poutine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45w3hq/why_do_isis_fighters_avoid_montreal_restaurants/
%
What do you call a snobby criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45w0jk/what_do_you_call_a_snobby_criminal_going_down/
%
What did dracula say to his girlfriend when she asked about sex?

"I only do oral once a month"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45w06z/what_did_dracula_say_to_his_girlfriend_when_she/
%
What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45vyut/what_happens_when_frogs_park_illegally/
%
What is an orphans favorite beer?

Fosters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45vyl0/what_is_an_orphans_favorite_beer/
%
Three blondes discovers animal tracks in the road

The first blond says "these are deer tracks"
The second blond says "you're wrong, these are fox tracks"
The third blond says "you're both wrong, these are clearly wolf tracks"
Then while they're arguing over what kind of tracks they are, they all get hit by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45vq6s/three_blondes_discovers_animal_tracks_in_the_road/
%
What are your views on abortion?

I'm undecided.
On one hand, I like killing babies, on the other, I don't like giving women a choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45vjqa/what_are_your_views_on_abortion/
%
I accidentally mixed my coffee my redbull..

After 15 minutes of driving I realised I forgot my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45vfsf/i_accidentally_mixed_my_coffee_my_redbull/
%
Why did God give women yeast infections?

That way they know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45v9w9/why_did_god_give_women_yeast_infections/
%
Why did the mexican man throw his wife off a bridge?

He wanted tequila.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45v3ip/why_did_the_mexican_man_throw_his_wife_off_a/
%
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45v17z/why_does_helen_keller_masturbate_with_one_hand/
%
Why is suicide illegal?

Destruction of Government Property.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45v0lt/why_is_suicide_illegal/
%
Why is King Joffrey like a mattress?

Two twins make a King.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45uz39/why_is_king_joffrey_like_a_mattress/
%
Two friends are walking down an alley when a mugger ask for their money.

The two men sigh and start emptying their pockets. The first friend hands the second man $20 and says "here's that money I owe you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ut41/two_friends_are_walking_down_an_alley_when_a/
%
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ulfa/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_michael/
%
My wife called me on Valentine's Day

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ul6n/my_wife_called_me_on_valentines_day/
%
Vagina jokes aren't funny.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ug8a/vagina_jokes_arent_funny/
%
A black man and a white man walk into a bakery

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The white man replies, "Look in the black mans back pocket....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45udb4/a_black_man_and_a_white_man_walk_into_a_bakery/
%
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all of the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ud5i/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_was/
%
What do you call spaghetti pretending to be rigatoni?

An impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ubf5/what_do_you_call_spaghetti_pretending_to_be/
%
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45uaoq/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
%
Two rules for success

1. Never reveal everything you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45tzn9/two_rules_for_success/
%
Any salad can be a Caesar salad...

If you stab it enough times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45tuwb/any_salad_can_be_a_caesar_salad/
%
I have no respect for mules.

Everything they do is half-assed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45tbol/i_have_no_respect_for_mules/
%
What's DJ Khaled's favorite number?

11, because it has another 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45tah9/whats_dj_khaleds_favorite_number/
%
What is the Great Gatsby's favorite superhero?

Green Lantern.
His least favorite?
Deadpool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45sy69/what_is_the_great_gatsbys_favorite_superhero/
%
My Valentine is like the square root of -100...

A 10, but imaginary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45svj3/my_valentine_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
%
What's the best thing to say if a pizzaman does an AMA?

OP delivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45srpq/whats_the_best_thing_to_say_if_a_pizzaman_does_an/
%
Roses are red, violets are blue...

I've got no girlfriend, so porn hub will do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45sqz6/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
What does every funeral begin with?

fun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45sqst/what_does_every_funeral_begin_with/
%
What do you call a lost Asian man?

Disoriental

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45sjaj/what_do_you_call_a_lost_asian_man/
%
A man spends his first 9 months trying to get out of the womb

and the rest of his life trying to get back in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45sfxa/a_man_spends_his_first_9_months_trying_to_get_out/
%
Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar and forty nine cents and deer nuts are under a buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45scji/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
The Bachelor Party

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45s0g0/the_bachelor_party/
%
I wasn't really into asian bondage

But my hands are thai'd on this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45rzmu/i_wasnt_really_into_asian_bondage/
%
Happy Valentine's day! Do you know what the word of the day is?

Legs!.....Should we go back to my place and spread the word?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45rtqo/happy_valentines_day_do_you_know_what_the_word_of/
%
What do you call a group of armpit farters?

A pit orchestra.
Bonus: [World Record for Armpit Farts in 15s](https://recordsetter.com/world-record/most-armpit-farts-15-seconds/9602)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45rrvk/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_armpit_farters/
%
I bought a friend of mine an elephant for his room

He said thanks.
I said don't mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45rr5c/i_bought_a_friend_of_mine_an_elephant_for_his_room/
%
What did the runaway melon say to the honeydew on Valentine's Day?

I cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45rowl/what_did_the_runaway_melon_say_to_the_honeydew_on/
%
Roses are red, violets are blue...

Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Barack Obama is undertaking a systematic effort to change this country, to make America more like the rest of the world.
That's why he passed Obamacare and the stimulus and Dodd-Frank and the deal with Iran. It is a systematic effort to change America. When I'm president of the United States, we are going to re-embrace all the things that made America the greatest nation in the world and we are going to leave our children with what they deserve: the single greatest nation in the history of the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45rl95/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
%
Why was Adele's phone bill $500 this month?

She must have called a 1,000 times

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45rk1s/why_was_adeles_phone_bill_500_this_month/
%
Antonin Scalia requested cremation in his will, but millions of women will meet tomorrow to discuss if that's really best for his body.

Millions of women will meet tomorrow to discuss if that's really best for his body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45rjik/antonin_scalia_requested_cremation_in_his_will/
%
Patient To Doctor

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45rhvi/patient_to_doctor/
%
A wizard who likes to give zombies hickies is..

a neckromancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45rg28/a_wizard_who_likes_to_give_zombies_hickies_is/
%
A man cooled himself to -273.15 Celsius

But don't worry he's 0k

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45r5pu/a_man_cooled_himself_to_27315_celsius/
%
A Blonde texts her friend

A blonde texts her friend and asks "what does IDK stand for?"
The friend replies "I don't know"
The blonde texts back "shit, no one seems to know"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45r12x/a_blonde_texts_her_friend/
%
Thieves ..

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap,shower gel,towels and deodorant.Dirty Bastards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45qs98/thieves/
%
I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourettes Society.

It's the thought that cunts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45qkzz/i_bought_a_valentines_day_card_for_everyone_at/
%
TIFU by sending my nudes to everyone in my address book

Cost me a fortune in stamps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45qjaq/tifu_by_sending_my_nudes_to_everyone_in_my/
%
What do you call a mean general?

General Average

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45qiz0/what_do_you_call_a_mean_general/
%
In honour of Valentine's Day...

What did the envelope say to the stamp?
Stick with me and we'll go places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45qh9o/in_honour_of_valentines_day/
%
I don't know why everyone dislikes catholics...

They are putting so much into the youth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45qbkj/i_dont_know_why_everyone_dislikes_catholics/
%
Wife on Valentine's day...

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!
The husband, typically unromantic, replied,
"I am in the toilet. Please advise.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45q3nk/wife_on_valentines_day/
%
Why Is Six Afraid Of Seven...

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. He can barely close his eyes without opening them again at the fear of Charlies lurking in the jungle trees. Not that you could see the bastards, mind you. They were swift, and they knew their way around the jungle like nothing else. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces as he walked into the village and... oh Jesus. The memories rarely left him. Sometimes he'd reminisce- even hear - Tex's southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn cigarettes like nothing else. He always kept a pack of Lucky's with him. The boys are gone now. He knows that; it's just that he forgets, sometimes. And, every now and then, the way that Seven looks at him with avid concern in his eyes... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. Makes him feel likes he back there... back in the jungle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45pvw4/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
I went to buy a 'Where's Wally?' book today but couldn't find one anywhere.

Well played, Wally. Well played.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45pv3d/i_went_to_buy_a_wheres_wally_book_today_but/
%
President Obama announces his intention to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court

"I can't wait until I'm in a position to have a real impact on the country!" said an excited Obama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ptli/president_obama_announces_his_intention_to_serve/
%
Husband and wife are in bed one night...

when the doorbell rings. The wife says "I'll get it" and goes downstairs and opens the door and it's the next door neighbor. Neighbor whispers "look, I'll give you a hundred bucks if you just open your robe for me..." so the woman shrugs and opens her robe for a few seconds and the neighbor smiles and gives the woman a hundred dollar bill. Wife gets back in bed and husband goes "who was it?" And the wife says "oh it was just the neighbor." And the husband goes, "did he give you the hundred bucks that he owes me?"
An old-timer told me this so it can't be that fresh but I had never heard it and thought it was good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ptju/husband_and_wife_are_in_bed_one_night/
%
You know the kids that'd knock on doors and run away....?

...they now deliver stuff for UPS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45psn7/you_know_the_kids_thatd_knock_on_doors_and_run/
%
The new film coming out about a kid with cerebral palsy isn't doing well with critics . . . . .

It gets off to a shaky start then ends up falling flat on it's face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45pdeu/the_new_film_coming_out_about_a_kid_with_cerebral/
%
Why did the vulture cross the road?

To eat the dead chicken on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45pb62/why_did_the_vulture_cross_the_road/
%
Flower Salesman Arrested

Local Chinese man Chen Yu stopped a Catholic monk from selling flowers tonight in Downton Dallas. The monk was detained for not having a vending license. The monk will be fined $300 and Yu has been awarded for his efforts. At the end of the day, only Yu can prevent Florist Friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45p9rk/flower_salesman_arrested/
%
Job interview

-It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. Whats 19x17?
-36
-Thats not even close!!
-But it was quick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45p7uo/job_interview/
%
What did one plate say to the other?

"Lunch is on me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45p7qw/what_did_one_plate_say_to_the_other/
%
Life is like a game of chess

The whites have the advantage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45p4z1/life_is_like_a_game_of_chess/
%
I had a nightmare that I was the Michelin man

I woke up feeling tired from that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45p3mc/i_had_a_nightmare_that_i_was_the_michelin_man/
%
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She was not wearing a seatbelt…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45p1os/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says

"Five beers, please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45p0y0/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_holds_up_two_fingers_and/
%
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a small child?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let the bag of cocaine fall out of a window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45otni/whats_the_difference_between_a_bag_of_cocaine_and/
%
A racist man laments...

​If people gave him $1 for every racist thing he said or done he'd be able to make a small contribution of 1 million dollars to Donald Trump's campaign.​​

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45oqdy/a_racist_man_laments/
%
What does the 'B' in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

Benoit B. Mandelbrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45opid/what_does_the_b_in_benoit_b_mandelbrot_stand_for/
%
This Valentine's Day I'm single by choice

Just not my choice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45opdb/this_valentines_day_im_single_by_choice/
%
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45oopb/a_drunk_staggers_into_a_catholic_church_enters_a/
%
Two pieces of rope are trying to get into a bar.

One rope turns to the other rope and says, "It's no use, the bartender hates ropes. He won't serve us."
The other rope decides to try to go into the bar anyways.
The piece of rope goes into the bar, orders a drink, and tries to look nonchalant. The bartender looks at him and says angrily, "You're a damn piece of rope, aren't you?! Get out of my bar right now!"
The rope runs out of the bar. The piece of rope tries it again but with the same results. Finally, the piece of rope has an idea. He shakes himself and then proceeds to tie himself. The piece of rope then enters the bar.
As the bartender is about to give a drink to the piece of rope, the bartender pauses for a second and asks, "Wait, are you a piece of rope?"
The piece of rope looks around and says, "Who me? I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45oocr/two_pieces_of_rope_are_trying_to_get_into_a_bar/
%
I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45onf8/i_bought_my_wife_a_new_puppy_for_valentines_day/
%
If all humans held hands around the equator of Earth

A significant amount of then would probably drown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ohgh/if_all_humans_held_hands_around_the_equator_of/
%
your dirty mind

" Give it to me" she yelled, "i am so fucking wet, give it to me now" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ogox/your_dirty_mind/
%
When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders...

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ofn6/when_i_cast_my_vote_for_bernie_sanders/
%
Trump and Cruz in a bar

A guy walks in, spots them, and asks the barman,
'Hey, ain't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, what an honor!
What are you guys doing in here?'
Trump says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? Whaddaya think you'll do?'
Trump says, 'Well, we're planning to kill 140 million
Muslims, and a blonde with big boobs.'
The guy exclaims, 'A blonde with big boobs? You shittin' me? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?'
Trump turns to Cruz, and says, 'See? I told you, no one gives a shit about 140 million Muslims.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45offz/trump_and_cruz_in_a_bar/
%
Man my friends are such jerks, as soon as I tell them I'm a dance addict...

...what do they do? Put me in this amazing 12-step program.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45oeap/man_my_friends_are_such_jerks_as_soon_as_i_tell/
%
A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45odvh/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_mathematician_are/
%
A terrorist posts on reddit.

His post blows up. He meets 72 virgins. His day could not be better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45od5o/a_terrorist_posts_on_reddit/
%
If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office...

And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ocgf/if_president_bernie_sanders_were_to_die_in_office/
%
In a surprise move, Taco Bell is acquiring Taco Bueno...

It's a hostile tacover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45o9nu/in_a_surprise_move_taco_bell_is_acquiring_taco/
%
Why did the man name his daughter Candy?

She was the sweetest mistake he ever made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45o8ln/why_did_the_man_name_his_daughter_candy/
%
Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.
&nbsp;
Although Hillary was vague about the details of her plans, she seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about her ideas for helping her “red sisters and brothers.”
&nbsp;
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented Hillary with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud Hillary then departed in her motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
&nbsp;
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to Hillary.
&nbsp;
They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45o6ka/hillary_clinton_was_invited_to_address_a_major/
%
A man is walking through his local mall and noticed a Mexican book store.

So he decides to go in because he has never seen Mexican book store before. He browses through the store, and then he finally asks the clerk "do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?" The clerk replies "fuck you, get out, stay out!".  The man replies " yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45o4yt/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/
%
Logical Thinking

The manager was very angry with this beginner who wanted a very high salary. He asked him why he wanted so much money whereas he had no experience. The beginner replied "Work is very difficult when you are a beginner. It becomes easier as you get experience."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45o2ev/logical_thinking/
%
What do you call two banana peels on the floor?

Slippers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45nsri/what_do_you_call_two_banana_peels_on_the_floor/
%
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45nokm/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
%
You wanna hear a disappointing joke with an anticlimactic punchline?

Okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45no29/you_wanna_hear_a_disappointing_joke_with_an/
%
I keep trying to make funny eye puns...

But my friends say they keep getting cornea and cornea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45nja0/i_keep_trying_to_make_funny_eye_puns/
%
My girlfriends father wouldn't let us sleep together when I stayed over at her house

Which is a shame because he's very attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45nfp6/my_girlfriends_father_wouldnt_let_us_sleep/
%
What do you call a crappy joke on /r/Jokes?

sub-standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ndc4/what_do_you_call_a_crappy_joke_on_rjokes/
%
❤ ALENTINES AY ❤

For all those that won't be getting the V or D on February 14th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45n7qu/alentines_ay/
%
A young couple were killed in an accident on the day before their wedding.

When they arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked if there was anything he could do to make being in heaven even more pleasant. So they said that they are good Christians and never had sex before, explained about dying the day before their wedding and asked if it was possible to be married in heaven, so they can sleep together. "No problem," said St Peter, "leave it with me."
A hundred years or so later they met St Peter and asked about the wedding. "Everything is being arranged," he assured them.
Another hundred years passed, and they met St Peter again. They reminded him about the wedding and said, "We know that in heaven, time is of no consequence, but we have been waiting over two hundred years." St Peter replied, "I am sorry. All the arrangements were made the day after you arrived and there is only one thing preventing us from having the wedding..... We're waiting on a minister!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45n4my/a_young_couple_were_killed_in_an_accident_on_the/
%
What's Gordon Ramsey's favourite movie?

It's Fucking Frozen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45my4s/whats_gordon_ramseys_favourite_movie/
%
What's the difference between you and me?

You came OUT of your mom's vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45muat/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_me/
%
What do you call it when the bull impales the bullfighter?

A hole in Juan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45mryb/what_do_you_call_it_when_the_bull_impales_the/
%
Which computer sings the best?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45mrw0/which_computer_sings_the_best/
%
So they finally proved the last part of Einstein theory of relativity.

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45mqks/so_they_finally_proved_the_last_part_of_einstein/
%
Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same.

Once you heard Jaun, you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45mpv8/mexican_jokes_and_black_jokes_are_pretty_much_the/
%
What came first, the chicken or the egg?

The rooster did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45mps6/what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
Guy dies and goes to hell

He's greeted by the devil at intake and begins his orientation program.  Satan tells him that there are three different programs he's eligible for and he can choose the one in which he'll spend eternity.  He's brought to area #1, where everyone is naked and the temperature is freezing.  The guy says, "I can't stand the cold, can I see something else?".  Satan says, "no problem" and brings him to area #2, where everyone is draped in furs they can't remove and the temperature is over 100 degrees.  The guy says, "the only thing I like less than being cold all the time is being too hot" so the devil says, " no problem, almost everyone chooses area #3 anyway".  So they head over to area #3 where the guy is surprised to see everyone standing around drinking coffee and talking.  The temperature isn't hot or cold, but just right.  The only strange thing he sees is that everyone's standing waist high in shit.  The guy reasons, "the temperature is perfect, and I love coffee.  After a while, I bet I won't even notice the smell of shit.  I'm gonna go with #3, Satan".  The devil says, "good choice, enjoy your stay" then turns around and screams, "Alright assholes, coffee break's over, on your heads!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45mppq/guy_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come onto a boy's face until he's 13.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45mp8b/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
%
Someone breaks into president Trump's White House

He writes a graffiti on the wall of White House that reads "Trump is full of shit".
He was arrested and sentenced to 30 and a half years in prison on two counts. One is trespassing, for which he got 6 months and second one for which he got 30 years is exposing national secret.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45mp71/someone_breaks_into_president_trumps_white_house/
%
This girl came up to me today, and claimed she knew me from her vegetable club.

I'd never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45mouy/this_girl_came_up_to_me_today_and_claimed_she/
%
Donald Trumps favorite movie is E. T.

Because the fucking alien went back home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45mkmw/donald_trumps_favorite_movie_is_e_t/
%
What do you call a voucher for complimentary Chipotle?

free coli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ma0y/what_do_you_call_a_voucher_for_complimentary/
%
If everyone has a beautiful side,

I guess I'm a circle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ltxx/if_everyone_has_a_beautiful_side/
%
What a do pizza boy and a gynecologist have in common?

They can smell it but they can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45lra7/what_a_do_pizza_boy_and_a_gynecologist_have_in/
%
What do you call an intense love of math?

Calculust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45lr2j/what_do_you_call_an_intense_love_of_math/
%
Why doesn't smokey the bear have any children?

Because every time his wife gets hot, he beats her with his shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45lo8o/why_doesnt_smokey_the_bear_have_any_children/
%
Where's the best place to go if you want a little head?

The 2016 Olympics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ln0p/wheres_the_best_place_to_go_if_you_want_a_little/
%
Bartender says,"We don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45lmaf/bartender_sayswe_dont_serve_time_travelers_here/
%
Being an HR, whenever I get a new batch of resumes, I always throw half of them in the garbage.

I don't want unlucky people working in my department.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45lfbw/being_an_hr_whenever_i_get_a_new_batch_of_resumes/
%
Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45l9tf/hillary_clinton_is_elected_president/
%
Happy Alentine's Ay

For those who will not be getting the V nor D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45l8o1/happy_alentines_ay/
%
Three girls die and go to heaven.

When they get to the gate St. Peter says to them. "Now before I let you in there is one thing I need to let you know. Heaven has a duck problem at the moment and we are telling everyone to be careful and not to step on a duck or we will have to punish you."
So the three girls go through the gate and after a week one of them steps on a duck, and all of them start to quack and make a ton of noise and it causes everyone in heaven to be unhappy.
St. Peter says to her "I told you not to step on a duck, so I will have to punish you" He then handcuffs an extremely ugly man to her and says "this is your heaven mate for eternity." The girl thinks to herself. "Damn I shouldn't have stepped on that duck."
The second girl after a month steps on a duck and St Peter says "I told you not to step on a duck, so I will have to punish you" He then handcuffs an even uglier guy to her and says "this is your heaven mate for eternity." This girl also thinks to herself. "Damn I shouldn't have stepped on that duck."
A whole year goes by and St. Peter walks up to the third girl and says "For not stepping on a duck you are being rewarded for being careful where you walk and being a good heaven tenant." He then handcuffs this magnificently gorgeous man to her, and says "Here is your heaven mate for eternity, enjoy"
The man who was handcuffed to the third girl then thinks to himself "Damn I shouldn't have stepped on that duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45l8g2/three_girls_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
A crowded city at a busy bus stop

, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.  As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.  Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.  She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.  So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.  Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.  About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. The went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!" The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45l6hn/a_crowded_city_at_a_busy_bus_stop/
%
René Descartes is chilling with his girlfriend. She asks: "What are you thinking of?"

He says: "Nothing." and disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45l6fr/rené_descartes_is_chilling_with_his_girlfriend/
%
My wife and I lost 150lbs combined!

So if you see our twins wandering around please let us know!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45l5ef/my_wife_and_i_lost_150lbs_combined/
%
To all the single people this Valentines weekend

Go fuck yourself ;-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45l46j/to_all_the_single_people_this_valentines_weekend/
%
A Mormon and an Irishman

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.  The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45l1jz/a_mormon_and_an_irishman/
%
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45kls8/donald_trump_hillary_clinton_and_jeb_bush_jump_of/
%
Why was 10 afraid?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45kkbj/why_was_10_afraid/
%
A poem for Valentine's Day

Love is the fart of every heart, for when held in it pains the host, but when released pains others most.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45kiqr/a_poem_for_valentines_day/
%
A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a problem, I have 5 penises"

The doctor says "Woow, how do your pants fit?", he replies "like a glove"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45khl9/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_ive_got_a/
%
How did the electron board the train?

It lepton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45kam8/how_did_the_electron_board_the_train/
%
An Irishman's First Drink With His Son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout.  He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style.  He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push his stroller back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45kaeb/an_irishmans_first_drink_with_his_son/
%
Two ships crashed in the night one ship was carrying red paint the other blue

The survivors were marooned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45k9w9/two_ships_crashed_in_the_night_one_ship_was/
%
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They would eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45k92y/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
%
Poor little Rabbit

A vegan is driving his Escalade down the highway and as he turns a corner he spots a rabbit run out in front of him.  He locks up the brakes and skids side to side, desperately tries to not run over the rabbit.  The rabbit takes a couple hops to the left and SPLAT! The front right tire flattens the bunny.
Moments later the vegan is sitting on the side of the road, hands in his face, tears pouring down his cheeks over committing murder.  He sees another car approach and stop near him.  A salesman type gets out of his Buick and rushes up to the scene of the accident.  "What happened!"
"It was horrible!  I was driving along...I tried to stop...but I killed this poor, defenseless bunny!  I don't know what to do!  I can't call the police!  I have no cell service!"
The salesman looks at the flat rabbit, then looks at the crying vegan, looks back to the rabbit again, thinks for a moment then smiles "Don't worry buddy.  I got just the thing!"
The salesman runs to the trunk of his car and digs around for five minutes.  He pulls out an aerosol can and races back to the vegan who is now standing over the rabbit.
The salesman sprays the rabbit and amazingly, it suddenly twitches.  He sprays again and the rabbit flips over once and lays still.  He sprays it for a good minute and suddenly the rabbit springs to life!  It shakes it's head, smiles at the two standing there, gives a little wave and proceeds to hop down the highway.  After about twenty feet, the rabbit stops, turns and waves at them again then continues on his way.  The rabbit stops once again, turns and waves at the two and continues once again down the highway.
The salesman and vegan watch the bunny hop away into the sunset as it stops every so often and wave back at them.
When the rabbit is finally out of sight the vegan turns to the salesman "That was beautiful and amazing!  What is in that can?  You should make millions selling it!  What is it?"
The salesman holds the can up with a smile "Hare restorer with a permanent wave"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45k6gd/poor_little_rabbit/
%
How does a Priest find a little boy in the woods?

Very exciting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45k4ee/how_does_a_priest_find_a_little_boy_in_the_woods/
%
My girlfriend left me today because I have developed a pasta touching fetish.

I've been feeling Canneloni ever since. :'(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45k1nj/my_girlfriend_left_me_today_because_i_have/
%
What's pink and retarded?

A Flamongo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45k0jw/whats_pink_and_retarded/
%
Pencil Me In

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45jst8/pencil_me_in/
%
My friend told me this joke about a party host who made his guests line up for juice...

I can't seem to remember the entire joke, but all I know is that there was a long punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45jcdh/my_friend_told_me_this_joke_about_a_party_host/
%
I watched a documentary on hallucinogenic drugs yesterday.

It's a good way to watch a documentary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45j3r4/i_watched_a_documentary_on_hallucinogenic_drugs/
%
What do you call a seagull by the bay?

A bagel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45j3bp/what_do_you_call_a_seagull_by_the_bay/
%
3 couples are trying to get married

at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the 3 couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it." Responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," Says the boyfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45j21v/3_couples_are_trying_to_get_married/
%
What is a Jewish person's first discount?

10% off the penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45j1nh/what_is_a_jewish_persons_first_discount/
%
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45j0on/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
%
How do you kiss a girl on valentines day?

You use tulips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45izm3/how_do_you_kiss_a_girl_on_valentines_day/
%
Everyone thinks its cute when a kid wants to be a pirate

But when a Somalian kid says he wants to be a pirate it's a different story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45iz86/everyone_thinks_its_cute_when_a_kid_wants_to_be_a/
%
If your donkey ate my chicken's feet...

You'd have two feet of my cock in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45iq37/if_your_donkey_ate_my_chickens_feet/
%
What's the one thing missing from the offensive jokes on r/jokes?

Karma, Whores.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ioum/whats_the_one_thing_missing_from_the_offensive/
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A woman goes into a pharmacy

She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45iolm/a_woman_goes_into_a_pharmacy/
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Masturbation should be considered a craft...

as it is 100% hand made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45inua/masturbation_should_be_considered_a_craft/
%
Two cannibals are eating this guy....

One of them ask, "So, you having fun?". The other one says "Yeah. I'm having a ball."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45iilj/two_cannibals_are_eating_this_guy/
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What is the difference between a miscarriage and a miscarriage of justice?

One takes away your freedom, the other gives you it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ia1e/what_is_the_difference_between_a_miscarriage_and/
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what is 40 feet long and only has 3 teeth?

The funnel cake line at the Arkansas state fair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45i8xp/what_is_40_feet_long_and_only_has_3_teeth/
%
Why did the console cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45hydq/why_did_the_console_cross_the_road/
%
Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45hwxh/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop...

...and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly.” replies the assistant.“Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful." says the expert and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant “I'm terribly sorry but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologies and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."
The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has *ever* made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terrible sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45hwgb/the_worlds_leading_expert_on_european_wasps_walks/
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I joined a cribbage cult recently

They practice peggin' rituals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45hqxv/i_joined_a_cribbage_cult_recently/
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Can i say this as an original Knock Knock joke?

This is, I hope, an original joke.
If its not, then am sure I'll find out in seconds after posting.
It doesn't really work on the page, but verbally to someone else I think its ace, as it splits your friends into those who get it instantly and those who really don't.. and they often repeat the 'whose there?" reply creating a mini repeat game.. it is funny to see how many times you can take it round before they eventually get it or give up in confusion.
ok.. so.. most definitely a bigger build up than this simple little joke deserves..   so here here it is reddit..
Knock Knock.
Whose there?
Woodpecker!
Woodpecker who?
KnockKnock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45hp9y/can_i_say_this_as_an_original_knock_knock_joke/
%
What do you call really clear urine?

1080p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45hnnc/what_do_you_call_really_clear_urine/
%
Doctor how much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten
Ten what?
Doctor: Nine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45hlre/doctor_how_much_time_do_i_have_left/
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What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45hh6n/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_gynecologist/
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A joke that I heard from a German Friend.

In World War 1 there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. Until one day an American came up with a plan that would win them the war.
This private explains his plan to his trench mates,  and they figured 'why not?' its not like they have any better ideas.
The next day an american soldier calls out, "Hans!?"
A German pops up and shouts back, "Ja?!"
*Boom*
The German is shot dead.
The next day another shout from the Americans, "Hans?!"
"Ja?!"
Shot dead.
This process continues over the next couple of days. The Germans are losing large numbers, and are now finally catching on.
The Germans have an emergency meeting, Maybe they can come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. So, a German asks "What ist a Popular Amerikan Name?"
"John!" replied another.
The next day the Germans decided to execute their plan.
A German shouts, "John!?"
An American calls back, "Is that you Hans?!"
"Ja!"
And that is how the Americans won WWI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45hgmd/a_joke_that_i_heard_from_a_german_friend/
%
A guy goes to the drug store

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45hfdz/a_guy_goes_to_the_drug_store/
%
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It might take a while for me to get hard, I was just laid by a chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45hded/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_pot_of_boiling_water/
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A man asks his wife what she wants for Valentine's Day.

"I want you to get something that will make me look sexy," she says. So he goes shopping and returns home with a case of beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45h7j9/a_man_asks_his_wife_what_she_wants_for_valentines/
%
what do you call two crows on a branch?

attempted murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45h3dr/what_do_you_call_two_crows_on_a_branch/
%
How did Harry Potter Get Down the Hill?

Walking.
JK.
Rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45h1gb/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
How does Jesus make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45h01t/how_does_jesus_make_his_coffee/
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IT HURTS!!! - joke

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you - you’ve broken your finger!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45gxnc/it_hurts_joke/
%
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has......

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45gwz6/a_couple_are_rushing_into_the_hospital_because/
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What is it called when a dyslexic has a slow computer?

A rack of lamb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45gvhv/what_is_it_called_when_a_dyslexic_has_a_slow/
%
What has four wheels and can't support a family?

A liberal arts major.
I lied about the wheels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45gulq/what_has_four_wheels_and_cant_support_a_family/
%
Bob gets a job

A rather dimwitted fellow named bob miraculously lands a job at a donut shop next to his house.
His first day on the job, a customer enters and asks "How much are these donuts?"
Bob replies "I don't know." Fortunately, the manager comes in and begins feeding Bob his lines, telling Bob to say "Only one dollar." And Bob thusly tells the customer.
The customer then asks "Are these donuts fresh?" To which Bob replies "I don't know." His manager then instructs Bob to say "Yes, very fresh."
Finally the customer asks "May I buy these donuts?" Bob answers, "I don't know." And the manager tells him to say "You better before anyone else does." Bob replies and makes his first sale.
Several weeks go by, and suddenly a robber enters the store, shouting "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY,"
Bob says "Only one dollar."
The robber inquires "Are you being fresh with me?"
Bob remarks "Yes, very fresh."
The robber then howls "I will shoot you if you don't listen to me!!"
Bob says "You better before anyone else does!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45gu8e/bob_gets_a_job/
%
A man wakes up in hospital after a serious accident.

He looks around and sees the doctor coming up to him. He says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you will be able to walk again without rehabilitation. The bad news is that due to the severity of the accident, we have had to remove your penis. The insurance company has paid out £10,000 and luckily we can insert a new penis for you, however there are some things to consider. Each inch costs £1000, so you need to think; do you want a smaller penis which may risk in you not being able to satisfy your wife, or would you consider having a larger penis which, in turn, could end up putting her off of any sorts of sexual activity? Go home tonight and discuss this with your wife and come back tomorrow with your decision."
So the man goes home and discusses with his wife. The next day the man goes back to the hospital and the doctor says, "So did you decide what you're doing with the £10,000?"
The man responds, "Yeah, we're getting marble kitchen tops."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45gq9g/a_man_wakes_up_in_hospital_after_a_serious/
%
It's time to end double standards. It doesn't make sense that if a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut...

But if a guy does the same thing, he's gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45gke1/its_time_to_end_double_standards_it_doesnt_make/
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What do Paint Samples and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both come in little white cans...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45giy3/what_do_paint_samples_and_michael_jackson_have_in/
%
What did the black holes say when they collided?

Nothing, they just waved.
(Sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ge3i/what_did_the_black_holes_say_when_they_collided/
%
If you watch an Apple store get robbed...

Are you an iWitness?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45gd7z/if_you_watch_an_apple_store_get_robbed/
%
What do you get if you run in front of a car?

A: Tired
Bonus Follow-up Joke!
Q: What do you get when you run behind a car?
A: Exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45g6vn/what_do_you_get_if_you_run_in_front_of_a_car/
%
Someone knocked on my door

As I opened, I saw a pizza delivery guy with a large pepperoni pizza in his hand.
"You must be mistaken. I didn't order any pizza!", I said
"Yes, I know", he replied, "Your neighbor forgot his instagram password and wanted to show you what he's having for dinner!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45g6iv/someone_knocked_on_my_door/
%
What is a dilemma ?

Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says: "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is.."
"Let me tell you a story" says the other man. "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is a incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you and to your right is a very horny gay man".
"So where's the dilemma ?" replies the first man.
"To whom do you turn your back ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45g5p5/what_is_a_dilemma/
%
Why aren't there any Wal-Marts in the middle east?

Because there's a Target on every corner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45g44c/why_arent_there_any_walmarts_in_the_middle_east/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for her room...

She said "Thanks!"
I told her "Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45g3pm/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_her_room/
%
As an overweight guy, I love science.

It teaches me that I matter more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45g1vr/as_an_overweight_guy_i_love_science/
%
Wonder Woman

Superman and Flash are on the roof of a tall building, and they see Wonder Woman, naked, with her legs wide open, on the roof of the building next door.
Flash says to Superman, "I bet I could run over to her, have sex with her, and run off before she notices me." Superman agrees, and Flash runs over, has rough and fast sex with her, and runs off.
Wonder Woman feels a breeze and goes, "What the hell was that?" and the Invisible Man goes, "I don't know, but damn does my ass hurt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45g14w/wonder_woman/
%
Why did the oil covered seagull get sued?

There can only be one goo gull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45fzdg/why_did_the_oil_covered_seagull_get_sued/
%
Why didn't Johnny go to the 7 A.M. funeral?

Because he just isn't a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45fu5u/why_didnt_johnny_go_to_the_7_am_funeral/
%
Knock knock..

Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes a bad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45fqgs/knock_knock/
%
Rape fantasy

Guy: "Wanna do a rape fantasy?"
Woman: "No!"
Guy: "That's the spirit"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45fon4/rape_fantasy/
%
A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm, waking his wife.

"This is the pig I've been fucking!" He announces. His wife says,"You moron, that's a sheep", and the farmer replies, "Shut the fuck up, I was talking to the sheep!" (Cred to Gilbert Gottfried, the comedy legend)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45fncf/a_farmer_walks_into_his_bedroom_with_a_sheep/
%
A psychopath, a racist and a police officer walk into a bar

He orders a beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45fll9/a_psychopath_a_racist_and_a_police_officer_walk/
%
Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45flbh/job_interview_whats_your_greatest_weakness/
%
What sets apart anal sex and regular sex?

Regular sex can make your day, but anal sex can make your hole weak...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45fi3c/what_sets_apart_anal_sex_and_regular_sex/
%
I personally don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before hoes..

There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45fhaz/i_personally_dont_believe_in_bros_before_hoes_or/
%
I told my mom that I have an Oedipus complex.

She asked if I was serious. I told her, "Nah, I'm just fucking with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45fgrj/i_told_my_mom_that_i_have_an_oedipus_complex/
%
What did the O say to the Q?

"Dude, you're dicks hanging out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45fg17/what_did_the_o_say_to_the_q/
%
Why do Jewish people have big noses?

Because air is free..
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ffpy/why_do_jewish_people_have_big_noses/
%
What can a Chicken do that you cannot?

Eat with his pecker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45fect/what_can_a_chicken_do_that_you_cannot/
%
Do you need an arc that can hold a lot of animals?

I Noah guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45fcv4/do_you_need_an_arc_that_can_hold_a_lot_of_animals/
%
How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

Take away its brooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45f88u/how_do_you_keep_canadian_bacon_from_curling_in/
%
A hunter and a fur trader

A hunter shoots a male deer and takes it to the trading post to make some money. At the counter he finds a sluttily-dressed fur trader. He offers her the deer fur she says "I don't have enough cash...but I can fuck you instead?". So he agrees and has some awesome sex in exchange for his wares.
His friend later asks him about his hunting session.
"It was nice. I got a good bang for my buck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45f6zb/a_hunter_and_a_fur_trader/
%
I logged into MySpace for the first time since 2005.

It was full of private messages from women who wanted to "Blockbuster and Chill".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45f6bv/i_logged_into_myspace_for_the_first_time_since/
%
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger why he hasnt upgraded his computer to Windows 10..

He said "I still love Vista baby!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45f5fo/i_asked_arnold_schwarzenegger_why_he_hasnt/
%
I was carrying some spaghetti as I walked past a priest..

You could say I moved some pasta past a pastor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45f523/i_was_carrying_some_spaghetti_as_i_walked_past_a/
%
I entered ten puns into a pun contest. Guess how many won?

No pun in ten did.
/:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45f0ci/i_entered_ten_puns_into_a_pun_contest_guess_how/
%
What did the triangle say to the circle?

You're so pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ewq9/what_did_the_triangle_say_to_the_circle/
%
What do you call a Korean with a dog?

...vegetarian.
For the record, I'm Korean and have a dog haha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45eu2r/what_do_you_call_a_korean_with_a_dog/
%
Yo momma's so fat...

.. when she fell out of bed, it was detected by LIGO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45et25/yo_mommas_so_fat/
%
What is the difference between outlaws and inlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45eo0f/what_is_the_difference_between_outlaws_and_inlaws/
%
Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?

Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45elcn/why_are_redneck_murder_cases_the_hardest_to_solve/
%
What's the difference between black people and cancer?

Cancer got Jobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ejr7/whats_the_difference_between_black_people_and/
%
How did you quit smoking?

Decided to smoke only after sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ehza/how_did_you_quit_smoking/
%
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew.

The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but they refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ee3f/when_nasa_was_preparing_for_the_apollo_project/
%
A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gentleman.
"I hope you won't mind my asking," said the Brit, "but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?"
"Well," replied the Canadian gentlman, "one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known."
The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, "And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?"
"Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto," the Canadian lady piped up.
The Brit asked, "And what are those six words?"
The Canadian smiled and replied, "They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ebf9/a_canadian_couple_was_strolling_through_a_park_in/
%
3 guys are shipwrecked on an island full of cannibals

The cannibals catch them and say"bring us 10 fruits or we will kill you" the first man  comes back with ten carrots the cannibals tell him"we'll stick them all up your ass if you dont move a muscle we'll let you live" they force the first one up his ass he doesnt say anything but as soon as they touch the other carrot he says Ow! They throw him in a cage the second man comes back with ten berries they tell him the same thing and start filling him up they stick the first one he doesnt say anything then the second one the the 3rd 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th but as soon as they stick the 10th on up his ass he starts laughing they throw him in a cage next to the other guy ,he says"DUDE you were doing so well why'd you laugh?" "Because i saw the other guy coming with ten watermelons"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ea0o/3_guys_are_shipwrecked_on_an_island_full_of/
%
Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the ark hives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45e9si/where_did_noah_keep_his_bees/
%
Kim Jong-Il found alive

He's running a hot dog cart in downtown Seoul. It turns out he just wanted a change of Korea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45e8xv/kim_jongil_found_alive/
%
From where did the sperm whale get it's name?

Ask your grandparents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45e8tj/from_where_did_the_sperm_whale_get_its_name/
%
So my girlfriend asked me to make love to her like in the movies....

So I pulled out and busted all over her face....apparantly we don't watch the same movies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45e8ea/so_my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_make_love_to_her/
%
I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day...

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45e5gm/i_got_a_dog_from_the_blacksmiths_the_other_day/
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My jokes are like those of a twelve year old

At least, that's what your mother told me last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45e21q/my_jokes_are_like_those_of_a_twelve_year_old/
%
What do you call a person who whores themselves out for spaghetti?

A Pastatute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45e063/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_whores_themselves/
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Why can't cats survive on Mars, even with spacesuits?

Because Curiosity will kill them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45dw5c/why_cant_cats_survive_on_mars_even_with_spacesuits/
%
Here's one from Russia

A guy is late for an important meeting but can't find a place to park.
In desperation, he begins to pray.
"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!"
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
"Never mind. Found one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45dt35/heres_one_from_russia/
%
What's the best thing about alzheimers?

You're always meeting new people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45dr2e/whats_the_best_thing_about_alzheimers/
%
They say history is written by the winners...

But actually, history is written by historians and most of them are losers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45dq01/they_say_history_is_written_by_the_winners/
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My wife has an odd way of starting conversations.

She always begin by saying "Hey, are you even listening?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45dm3d/my_wife_has_an_odd_way_of_starting_conversations/
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A Priest gets sent to a country town

A Priest gets sent to a small country town to minister to the local Church. When he arrives there he visits all the locals and introduces himself. After a few hours of chatting he gets hungry and decides to visit the local restaurant. He finds a nice table to sit down and a waitress appears asking him what he would like. After looking at the menu he says “A steak, but just cooked”. The waitress yells out to the kitchen “A bloody steak!”. The Priest looks shocked and says to the woman “Oh my goodness, you can not speak in front of me like that, I am a servant of God!”. The waitress has a chuckle and says “Father, a bloody steak is the code between me and the kitchen for a very rare, just cooked steak”. “Oh how silly of me, I should have known” says the priest and then goes on to enjoy his meal.
After living in the town for over thirty years the Priest is too old to minister the Church any more, so his superiors send a young replacement Priest. Upon his arrival the elder Priest decides to introduce his new replacement to all the locals in town and after a few hours of that they both decide they are hungry and visit the local restaurant. After finding a table to sit and the old Priest knowing the place so well yells out to the kitchen “A bloody steak!”. The young Priest looks and him and says “That's the spirit father” and yells to the kitchen “And plenty of Fucking Chips!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45dir0/a_priest_gets_sent_to_a_country_town/
%
He drank an entire bottle of olive oil?

Daughter: "Where's the olive oil?"
Father: "I drank it."
Daughter: "You drank an entire bottle of olive oil?"
Father: Without so much as a grin, "Yes, olive it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45dg0b/he_drank_an_entire_bottle_of_olive_oil/
%
Did you know George Washington is not on the 1$ bill?

It's just a picture of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45dezd/did_you_know_george_washington_is_not_on_the_1/
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Do you know what else are nazis?

The other 25 letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45dat3/do_you_know_what_else_are_nazis/
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What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45da2m/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
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[NSFW]Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

Dad: Because his wife died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45d7wh/nsfwwhy_does_dr_pepper_come_in_bottles/
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A troll is guarding a bridge across a long river.

Translated from Polish.
3 men want to cross the bridge. The troll says to go off and come back with their favourite plant.
The first man comes back with a tulip. The troll tells the man to shove it up his ass. He does, then crosses the bridge.
The second man comes back with a rose. The troll tells him to shove it up his ass. The man starts laughing and crying simultaneously.
The troll asks, "Why are you crying?"
"Because the thorns hurt," the man responds.
"Then why are you laughing?"
"The third man is bringing a cactus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45d6n9/a_troll_is_guarding_a_bridge_across_a_long_river/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It really sucks if you have diabetes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45cw8d/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Two leprechauns walk up to the door of a church.

One jumps up on the other's shoulders, knocks on the door, and jumps down as a priest comes to answer. He stares at them for a moment, then says, "Yes? Can I help you... gentlemen?"
The first leprechaun doffs his hat and bows. "Top o' the mornin' to ye, Father! If ye don't mind, we be needin' ta have a wee word with the leprechaun nun that abides at this fair and charming parish."
"I... I'm sorry; the *what*?"
"Aye, the lovely wee leprechaun nun that is cloistered here. May I speak to her please, if ye don't mind?"
"Uh... I'm sorry, my, um, my child, but there is no leprechaun nun in this particular house of God. Good day." And the priest goes to shut the door.
The first leprechaun, a worried look on his face, sticks his foot in the door. "Well then, Father, perhaps ye can guide us to the church in this town where there *is* a leprechaun nun--?"
The priest loses his his patience. "Look, I don't know where this is going, but there is no such thing as a leprechaun nun. God be with you." And he slams the door shut.
The first leprechaun stands there crestfallen. The second one grins and elbows the first in the ribs.
"Ye see? I *told* ye.
"*You* fucked a *penguin.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45cv7q/two_leprechauns_walk_up_to_the_door_of_a_church/
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4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed...

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45crys/4_6_8_and_9_have_all_been_killed/
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A guy walks into a bar

. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45cqpo/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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A farmer was worried when he counted only 196 cows...

...but when he rounded them up, much to his relief, he had 200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45cfi3/a_farmer_was_worried_when_he_counted_only_196_cows/
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My dick was once in the book of world records...

But then I got kicked out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45c9hl/my_dick_was_once_in_the_book_of_world_records/
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How do you get a Jewish girls number?

roll her sleeve up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45c32x/how_do_you_get_a_jewish_girls_number/
%
What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains?

A riceist.
(It sounds better when you say it aloud)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45bzak/what_do_you_call_an_australian_whos_prejudiced/
%
So this gentleman is walking through the forest...

when suddenly he finds a little frog. The little frog looks at him and says, help me sweet sir, I've been cursed by an evil witch! she turned me into this hideous frog, because she's jealous of my beauty; but if you have sex with me, I will turn into a beautiful princess.
Moved by this story, the gentleman removed his pants and started to fuck the frog. right in the middle of the act, the frog transformed into a gorgeous 16 year old girl.
and that's the version of my client, your honor...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45bwak/so_this_gentleman_is_walking_through_the_forest/
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Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45brsr/why_are_jewish_men_circumcised/
%
How did Jared Fogle lose so much weight?

because he chose from the kids menu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45bqds/how_did_jared_fogle_lose_so_much_weight/
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I, for one...

is a roman numeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45bo6n/i_for_one/
%
An old woman goes to the doctor...

and talks to him about a problem she is having.
"I have a terrible time with gas.  Luckily, they are silent and scentless.  In fact, I've farted several times while I've been here.  While it isn't ruining my day to day living, it is terribly embarrassing."
The doctor thinks a minute and prescribes her some medicine.  "This should help.  Come back in a week."
She starts taking the medicine, and a week later she returns distraught.
"Doctor, the problem has gotten much worse!  Now when I pass gas, it smells awful!"
"Okay.  Now that we've cleared out your sinuses, we can take care of your hearing..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45b52v/an_old_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
The leader of China is growing restless so he tries to find a country that wants to fight his army, so he called Sweden...

The leader of china calls Obama and says: "Hey man, we havn't had a good fight in a while, how about we see who has the best army?"
To which Obama said: "Look pal, you know me, we never say no to a big show down but we have so much on our plate right now. The election, the syrian crysis, superbowl...how about you come back in a couple of years? Or better yet, call Russia!"
The chinese leader hung up the phone and called Putin right away. After he politely asked if he could invade Russia Putin replied: "It sounds like it would be a worthy challenge for mother Russia but we are currently fighting in Syria so unless you would like to go all the way over there then I'm afraid that we have to pass."
The great leader was just about to hang up when Putin added: "You know what though? There is a country that you might not even have heard of but those who have been foolish enough to have fought with them and by some miracle survived can tell you that they will never back down from a fight, call...the swedes [or insert the nationality of the person that you are telling the joke to here]."
Naturally the leader called the prime minister of Sweden and said "Listen, we have heard about how strong your warriors are and so we have decided to declare war upon you to see once and for all who has the greater army."
The prime minister was obviously suprised to recieve such a phone call but he soon replied: "Oh I see, interesting...tell me...how many are you?
With pride, the great leader aswered: "I have a billion soldiers awaiting my command!"
"Oh shit...wait a minute, I have to check with some of my ministers to see what they think about this...you said a billion with a "b" right?"
"Yes" said the great leader smiling.
After a couple of minutes the prime minister returned to the phone and said with great dissapointment: "Hi again, sorry for keeping you waiting but it is exactly as I thought...we would love to fight you guys but we have no idea where we would burry all of you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45b495/the_leader_of_china_is_growing_restless_so_he/
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I took a poop in the elevator.

I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45b21e/i_took_a_poop_in_the_elevator/
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It was so cold in D.C. today...

...that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45b1sj/it_was_so_cold_in_dc_today/
%
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night.

The police told us to stay in our houses until they'd shot him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45b019/there_was_a_blackout_in_my_neighborhood_last_night/
%
Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

Because she threw out all the bent ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ayyd/why_did_the_blond_get_fired_from_the_banana/
%
A teen is telling his parents what he wants to major in

"I want to be a history major," he says.
The dad responds, "No you don't! There's no future in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ax3c/a_teen_is_telling_his_parents_what_he_wants_to/
%
What is Bruce Lee's favourite drink?

Wataaaah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45awxt/what_is_bruce_lees_favourite_drink/
%
Dear alcohol,

We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45awi2/dear_alcohol/
%
I had to study a book on the human digestive system today....

The ending was shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ausf/i_had_to_study_a_book_on_the_human_digestive/
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"Coming up on tonight's news, hear about the tragic case of 10 people who lost their lives trying to escape a fire at the nightclub everyone's been dying to get into."

*Disclaimer: No pun in ten dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45atzl/coming_up_on_tonights_news_hear_about_the_tragic/
%
Bernie Sanders got twice the votes as Hillary Clinton, but less delegates.

This should help him in South Carolina as he officially now understands the struggle of being black in America.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45asp0/bernie_sanders_got_twice_the_votes_as_hillary/
%
What does a dog do that a man steps in?

Pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45asg4/what_does_a_dog_do_that_a_man_steps_in/
%
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

More than eight, because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45aqon/how_many_dead_babies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago...

...and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45aqay/i_bought_a_vacuum_cleaner_six_months_ago/
%
If a guy with Red Hair works at a Bakery, does that make him a GingerBread Man?

I ask this because I'm baked at the moment..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45aouf/if_a_guy_with_red_hair_works_at_a_bakery_does/
%
What's the difference between an old bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a Busty Crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45anqc/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_stop_and/
%
My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries'

But I'm on a glute-free diet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ajxi/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_eat_the_booty_like/
%
My favorite element is Helium

I can't speak highly enough of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ail6/my_favorite_element_is_helium/
%
My mom once told me....

....the only way I'll ever get laid is if I crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ahan/my_mom_once_told_me/
%
What do you call a Mexican Super Saiyan

Fajita

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45agn9/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_super_saiyan/
%
A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane...

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The Priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith.”
The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the Rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ag2e/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_seated_together_on_a/
%
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app this morning...

...and it sent an ambulance to my house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45adb5/entered_what_i_ate_today_into_my_new_fitness_app/
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Pharmacy

A man walks into a pharmacy - "Id like 3 packs of condoms please".
The pharmacist - "Here you go sir, would you like a bag".
Man: "No thanks, the girl is good looking".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45adb4/pharmacy/
%
I like my women like I like my whiskey

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ac4l/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_whiskey/
%
Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike?

Because it was extremely reactive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45a8x5/why_did_the_element_fluorine_get_a_copyright/
%
Bernie Sanders is a true socialist

He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45a7u5/bernie_sanders_is_a_true_socialist/
%
This girl just spilt ice all over my record player.

I played it cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45a01t/this_girl_just_spilt_ice_all_over_my_record_player/
%
Why did the germ cross the microscope?

To get to the other slide!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/459v9b/why_did_the_germ_cross_the_microscope/
%
What do you do when someone has an epileptic fit in the bathtub?

Throw in the laundry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/459uon/what_do_you_do_when_someone_has_an_epileptic_fit/
%
You ever hear the one about the super-competitive guy who joined a circlejerk?

He came in first *and* third.
(Ngaio Bealum)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/459ujk/you_ever_hear_the_one_about_the_supercompetitive/
%
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/459tkm/a_hamburger_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
%
Scientists detected gravitational waves directly for the first time

Your mom's gonna get half the Nobel prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/459t78/scientists_detected_gravitational_waves_directly/
%
Gandhi joke

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/459szm/gandhi_joke/
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Gay Marriage Licenses

So, 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/459rq6/gay_marriage_licenses/
%
The son to his dad

* Son - Dad at last i lost my virginity-
* Dad -OH! so good son, i am proud of you, come on, sit here and tell me-
* Son -I don't think i could sit for a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/459q2m/the_son_to_his_dad/
%
Yo mama fell down...

The physicists discovered Gravitational waves today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/459gnu/yo_mama_fell_down/
%
What do you call three Irish lumberjacks?

Tree fellers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/459fj7/what_do_you_call_three_irish_lumberjacks/
%
The FBI are doing an experiment to test the level of people's patriotism ...

They get three married couples and separate them, placing the men in one room and the women in another. They ask the men if they would shoot their wives for their country and all agree they would. They hand the first guy a gun and tell him to go and shoot his wife. Guy walks in the room with his wife but he just can't do it. The FBI agent takes the gun back and tells the couple to leave. They give the second guy the gun and tell him to go shoot his wife. Guy walks in the room raises the gun to his wife but starts shaking uncontrollably and can't do it. The FBI agent takes back the gun and tells them to leave. They give the gun to the third guy and tell him to go shoot his wife. The guy walks in the room, closes the door and "BANG! BANG! BANG!" followed by the sound of a serious fight. The door opens and the guy walks out with his shirt torn and scratch marks all over his arms and face. The FBI agent asks, "What the hell happened in there?" to which the husband replies, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle her to death!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4599od/the_fbi_are_doing_an_experiment_to_test_the_level/
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I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree...

He said "Sodium Bromate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4594tk/i_asked_my_chemist_friend_if_it_took_him_4_years/
%
What can be found in a cannibal's shower?

head & shoulders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4593t8/what_can_be_found_in_a_cannibals_shower/
%
Global warming can reduce terrorism

because the isis melting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4593a4/global_warming_can_reduce_terrorism/
%
Bernie Sanders and Google Fiber walk into a bar.

And all of Reddit gave it an upvote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4590ko/bernie_sanders_and_google_fiber_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Today I was offered sex by an 18 year old female...

Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the sex I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/458zdq/today_i_was_offered_sex_by_an_18_year_old_female/
%
Two Irishmen were working for the city public works department.

Paddy would dig a hole and Mick would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, Paddy digging a hole, and Mick filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked Paddy, “I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it:why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?“
Paddy wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, we're normally a three-person team, but today the lad who plants the trees called in sick”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/458yrs/two_irishmen_were_working_for_the_city_public/
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Why is singing like autoerotic asphyxiation?

Because sometimes you just gotta belt it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/458v95/why_is_singing_like_autoerotic_asphyxiation/
%
My girlfriend asked, "Why do we always stay home for dinner and never eat out?"

Obviously if I was any good at eating out, then you wouldn't be complaining about staying home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/458rqe/my_girlfriend_asked_why_do_we_always_stay_home/
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What did the ancient Greek mother say when her sons toga got torn?

Euripides, Eumenides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/458ode/what_did_the_ancient_greek_mother_say_when_her/
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Old but good

Two Italian me get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/458njk/old_but_good/
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A man started telling people he was a piece of fruit.

Everyone was convinced he was bananas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/458ncf/a_man_started_telling_people_he_was_a_piece_of/
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/458bjz/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
I ate a donkey steak today

It tasted like ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4588ce/i_ate_a_donkey_steak_today/
%
My math text book got recalled

We were told it had too many problems

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/457vly/my_math_text_book_got_recalled/
%
What do mathematicians and ravers have in common

They both search for X

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/457vja/what_do_mathematicians_and_ravers_have_in_common/
%
Caught Speeding - Joke

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn’t
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying IDIOT!! told you I was speeding too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/457ug8/caught_speeding_joke/
%
Last Valentine's day I recieved so many cards from my girlfriends that I couldn't open the front door...

Because my wife had the locks changed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/457ria/last_valentines_day_i_recieved_so_many_cards_from/
%
Whats the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

...I don't pay 100$ to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4578f7/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
When asked about his religious beliefs, Donald Trump states that he...

"definitely believes in a higher tower".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/456yit/when_asked_about_his_religious_beliefs_donald/
%
If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/456qj9/if_the_number_666_is_considered_evil/
%
"Stop putting words into my mouth!"

"Fine, eat your alphabet soup by yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/456qi5/stop_putting_words_into_my_mouth/
%
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/456eon/women_always_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/456eo1/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
A man comes home early from work one day and tells his wife "Pack your bags honey! I won the lottery!"

His wife asks "Ooooh! Where are we going?" The man says "I don't give a fuck where you go, just get out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/456e9y/a_man_comes_home_early_from_work_one_day_and/
%
What bounces and makes kids cry?

My child support checks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/456a39/what_bounces_and_makes_kids_cry/
%
Do vegans get paid hourly or celery?

That's it. That was the joke. No witty punchline or anything like that. Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4565pt/do_vegans_get_paid_hourly_or_celery/
%
Life is like a basketball...

It has its ups and downs and is controlled by people that are taller and make more money than you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4560s5/life_is_like_a_basketball/
%
I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea.

I think they would have preferred cash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/455zhm/i_ate_15_raw_oysters_last_night_at_the_restaurant/
%
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

Getting her off the wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/455zfo/whats_the_hardest_part_about_eating_a_vegetable/
%
Koi Fish always travel in groups of four

That's because while the A Koi, the B Koi and the C Koi escape. The predator will always go after the D Koi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/455v5n/koi_fish_always_travel_in_groups_of_four/
%
A chemist walks into a bar...

He says to the bartender, "Tonight all drinks are on me!"
The bartender says to him, "you must've had a good day today, what happened?"
"I finally found a way to make a stable molecule from a barium atom, two sodium atoms, and a sulfur atom!" the chemist proudly replies.
"Wow," says the bartender, "that's BaNaNaS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/455u2o/a_chemist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do The Walking Dead and Fast & Furious have in common?

dead walkers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/455s0r/what_do_the_walking_dead_and_fast_furious_have_in/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park ?

They woke him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/455onl/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_in_the_park/
%
You would think that you would be a better pastry chef

With all the creampie videos I watch...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/455kty/you_would_think_that_you_would_be_a_better_pastry/
%
I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!

Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/455h9m/i_have_my_entire_valentines_day_planned_with_my/
%
A blind guy walks into a bar....

and a table...and a stool...and a door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/455fa4/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why are some girls so odd?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/455b42/why_are_some_girls_so_odd/
%
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Not three, my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4557f0/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I hope Death is a man.

That way it will come quickly and be over before I know it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4556ix/i_hope_death_is_a_man/
%
Chris Christie stopped running...

Go figure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4552n1/chris_christie_stopped_running/
%
I was arrested yesterday for stealing eggs.

I could've sworn they were free range.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4552e5/i_was_arrested_yesterday_for_stealing_eggs/
%
I went out dressed as a chicken last night.

and I met a girl who was dressed as an egg. One thing led to another and a lifelong question was answered; it was the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4550bj/i_went_out_dressed_as_a_chicken_last_night/
%
So I had a threesome last night...

There were a couple of no-shows but I still had fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45507e/so_i_had_a_threesome_last_night/
%
So, I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend recently.

I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/454yof/so_i_broke_up_with_my_japanese_girlfriend_recently/
%
I hate working with Jewish fishermen.

They always ask me: "What's your net worth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/454t22/i_hate_working_with_jewish_fishermen/
%
What do you call a herd of masturbating cows?

Beef strokin' off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/454syp/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_masturbating_cows/
%
How do you blind an Asian woman?

Put a windshield in front of her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/454qva/how_do_you_blind_an_asian_woman/
%
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

(None, they just beat the room for being black)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/454obs/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
What kind of cell phone reception do astronauts get on the moon?

1/6 G
My 8 year old son came up with this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/454msy/what_kind_of_cell_phone_reception_do_astronauts/
%
I went to the library and asked if they had the book about men with tiny penises.

She said "I don't think it's in yet" I said "Yes, that's the one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/454lpg/i_went_to_the_library_and_asked_if_they_had_the/
%
Two condoms are walking down the street...

And they pass a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and asks "hey wanna get shit faced?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/454krb/two_condoms_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
The motorcycle

There was a young stud with a vintage motorcycle.  He loved his motorcycle!  The only problem was, the leather on the seats had aged, and any time it rained he would have to rub the seats with petroleum jelly to protect it from the weather.
He meets a girl, and after some time together, she decides to take him to dinner at her parents’ house.  The night of the dinner, the new girlfriend tells the young motorcycle stud about the “rule” during dinner.  The rule is that whoever talks during dinner has to wash every dish in the kitchen.  She explains that no one has talked during dinner for years, and there are piles upon piles of dishes in the kitchen.
Sure enough they get to the parents’ home and the kitchen is an even worse disaster than the girlfriend had described.
The parents and the young couple  enjoy some friendly small talk before dinner, but as soon as they sit down at the table, not one sound is made.
The young stud decides to have a little fun with the situation.  He throws his girlfriend on the table, pulls her pants down, and starts making passionate love to her.  The girl’s parents are noticeably angry.  But no one utters a word.  Having gone this far, the young stud decides to push his luck a little further.  He grabs the mother and starts having sex with her.  The mother is a little surprised, the girlfriend is mad, and the father is furious, but no one says a word.  All of the sudden, it starts to rain cats and dogs.  The young stud reaches into his bag and grabs his petroleum jelly.  The father throws down his napkin, stand up and says, “Alright, alright, I’ll do the dishes!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4543ja/the_motorcycle/
%
8th Harry Potter book confirmed, you'll never believe who wrote it...

J.K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/454397/8th_harry_potter_book_confirmed_youll_never/
%
I thought getting a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant

Turns out it just changes the colour of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/453w2n/i_thought_getting_a_vasectomy_would_stop_my_wife/
%
I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/453t62/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/
%
Why did the audience hate the pedophile guitarist?

Because he broke a G string while fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/453r0m/why_did_the_audience_hate_the_pedophile_guitarist/
%
Mickey and Minnie Mouse go to divorce court

The judge says to Mickey, "Mickey!  You say your wife is crazy."  Mickey replies, "No I didn't, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/453oqa/mickey_and_minnie_mouse_go_to_divorce_court/
%
What's the difference between a blonde and a washer?

When you dump your load in a washer, it doesn't follow you around for a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/453ofr/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a_washer/
%
What do you call a blonde in a closet?

Last years hide and seek champion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/453nsa/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_in_a_closet/
%
A woman takes her dog anywhere and everywhere...

On one trip she goes to Africa with her dog for a week long safari. One morning the dog goes outside and sees a lion running straight for the camp. The dog looks around and finds a pile of bones. Once the lion is within earshot the dog yells, "That was one tasty lion!" And continues to gnaw one a bone. The lion stops in its tracks and runs off. Next to the camp was a monkey which witnessed the events that had unfolded. The dog sees the monkey climb down and walk off afterward. That night the monkey went to the lion's den. As the monkey approached be was ambushed by the lion. He screams " Don't eat me, I can help you". The lion asks how and the monkey responds " The dog didn't eat a lion, let alone kill one. Those bones were from weeks ago." The lion understands and makes a pact with the monkey, so that the lion would spare it but if the monkey betrayed him, he would then eat him. The next morning, the dog gets up and goes outside and again sees the lion running straight for the camp. He goes to the bone pile and starts gnawing on the bones. The lion keeps running. The dog starts to worry and starts recollecting from the previous day. The dog remembers everything and everyone from the previous encounter. The dog waits for the lion to be within earshot. The dog then yells " Where's that damn monkey, with my damn lion?!" The lion stops in its tracks and runs back to its den. The dog didn't see the lion or the monkey for the rest of the safari trip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/453isl/a_woman_takes_her_dog_anywhere_and_everywhere/
%
Did you hear about the Nuns up north who started a marijuana dispensary?

Holy smokes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/453guy/did_you_hear_about_the_nuns_up_north_who_started/
%
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.

I will downvote myself on the way out....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/453che/iron_man_is_technically_a_female/
%
I would make a joke here...

...but Amy Schumer doesn't need any more material.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4537vp/i_would_make_a_joke_here/
%
Funny one liners - 2016

Tell me short funny one liners. Just humor, nothing else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4530tx/funny_one_liners_2016/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/452zor/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Four engineers riding in a car -

it stalls. Mechanical engineer suggests a timing problem. Electrical engineer says bad spark. Chemical engineer offers poor fuel mixture. The computer engineer has no idea but "If we get out the car and get back in it may start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/452x61/four_engineers_riding_in_a_car/
%
A man is displeased with the soup he has ordered in a restaurant.

So he calls for the waiter, and says to the waiter," Waiter, could you please come over and taste my soup?"
To which the waiter replies,"Why, sir? Is it too sour? I could add some sugar to it if you want."
"Just come and taste it."
"Why? Has it turned cold? I could get it heated for you."
"Please just come and taste it."
"But why, sir? Is the soup too sour? I could serve you a new bowl if you want."
"No, it's not that. Just please come over and taste it."
The waiter reluctantly agrees and walks over to the man's table, but finds he cannot drink the soup.
"But sir, how can I drink the soup if there's no spoon?"
"Exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/452rrb/a_man_is_displeased_with_the_soup_he_has_ordered/
%
Bernie Sanders is such a socialist...

...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/452jpj/bernie_sanders_is_such_a_socialist/
%
Hillary Clinton is in the hospital...

She is being treated for third degree Berns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/452jki/hillary_clinton_is_in_the_hospital/
%
What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?

Before the First Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/452gw4/whats_a_pedophiles_favorite_part_of_a_hockey_game/
%
What do you call a Chicken staring at lettuce?

Chicken Caesar Salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45285m/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_staring_at_lettuce/
%
What do you call an army of toddlers?

Infant-ry.
*insert cringe here*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4527i0/what_do_you_call_an_army_of_toddlers/
%
What did the pillar say when he forgot to wish his friend happy birthday?

I'll column later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4524u2/what_did_the_pillar_say_when_he_forgot_to_wish/
%
If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal

then she's a keeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/452437/if_a_girl_is_preventing_you_from_reaching_your/
%
What's 9 inches long,pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth

Her miscarriage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4523yp/whats_9_inches_longpink_and_makes_my_girlfriend/
%
What do you call a werewolf that knows it's a werewolf?

A self-awarewolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4521kf/what_do_you_call_a_werewolf_that_knows_its_a/
%
How does one respond to a black guy sending you a dick pic?

TL;DR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4520gl/how_does_one_respond_to_a_black_guy_sending_you_a/
%
A young German wants to travel (x-post from German_Humour)

A young man is undecided where he should spend this year's vacation. He asks his granfather for advice.
Grandfather: 'When I was your age, I went to Paris. I went to a bar and everything was for free. I was totally drunk, climbed on the counter and pissed on the floor. After that I spanked that waitress' ass.'
The young man is excited: 'Wow! That sounds great! Thank you, grandfather' - and books the travel.
Two weeks later he finally arrives at home again. His nose is broken, his lips are bloody and he has a black eye.
Grandfather: 'My God! What has happened to you?!'
Young man: 'I don't know what I did wrong. I went to Paris, entered a bar and got totally drunk. As I proceeded to climb the counter, and opened my pants, the barkeeper beat me up. I wanted to grab the waitress' ass but she also slapped my face. When they finally realized that I didn't even bring money with me, they called the police.'
Grandfather: 'That's very strange... how did you get to Paris?'
Young man: 'By plane, and you?'
Grandfather: 'With the SS.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/452069/a_young_german_wants_to_travel_xpost_from_german/
%
An Aussie favourite.

So there was a lizard who was walking through the rainforest, he looked up in the tree and saw a koala smoking a few joints. So the lizard goes up the tree and smokes a few more joints with the koala. After a little while, the lizard decides to go down to the pond to get a drink for his dry mouth, so he scurries down the tree and over to the pond where there was a crocodile waiting.
The crocodile says "woah man, what are you doing drinking from the pond?" "Well I smoked a few joints with this koala and I have really bad dry mouth," the lizard responded.
In shock, the crocodile says, "fuck me, there's a weed smoking koala? I have to see this!"
So the crocodile climbs out of the pond and walks over to the tree where the koala has smoked 4 or 5 more joints since the lizard left.
The crocodile says, "Hey mate, what are you doing up there?"
The koala looks down in shock and says, "Bloody hell mate, how much fuckin water did you drink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/451sge/an_aussie_favourite/
%
What do you get when you cross a cat and an octopus?

A strong reprimand from the ethics committee and immediate recission of all funding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/451ji5/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cat_and_an/
%
What is the worst part about being told you have Alzheimer's?

It never happens just once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/451j0a/what_is_the_worst_part_about_being_told_you_have/
%
I saw a documentary about beavers...

It was the best dam program I've seen in a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45186h/i_saw_a_documentary_about_beavers/
%
Today I set my location on Tinder to Flint, Michigan

I heard the girls are hella thirsty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4515km/today_i_set_my_location_on_tinder_to_flint/
%
My wife recently started snoring, so I decided to use earplugs.

but I can only get one in before she wakes up, turns out she doesn't like it when I shove earplugs in her nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45134k/my_wife_recently_started_snoring_so_i_decided_to/
%
WALKS INTO A BAR... MONKEY EATS EVERYTHING

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4510cw/walks_into_a_bar_monkey_eats_everything/
%
How do you stop a North Korean tank?

Shoot the soldier pushing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/450mfs/how_do_you_stop_a_north_korean_tank/
%
What's the difference between an 8 year old and a big bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall off a balcony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/450md8/whats_the_difference_between_an_8_year_old_and_a/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar...

One of them turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/450kcd/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
How do you disappoint a redditor?

Come back when this post is 10 hours old for the results!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/450iie/how_do_you_disappoint_a_redditor/
%
Nicki Minaj, Donald Trump, hoverboards, North Korea....

Oh wait, this *is* the place to post jokes, right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/450f1b/nicki_minaj_donald_trump_hoverboards_north_korea/
%
What kind of orange juice do Jews drink?

All kinds, just not concentrated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/450e9h/what_kind_of_orange_juice_do_jews_drink/
%
What is easy to get into, but hard to get out of?

Addiction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4502ge/what_is_easy_to_get_into_but_hard_to_get_out_of/
%
how do you know when a prescription is being written for bulimia?

when the directions for use say take one pill twice a day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45023n/how_do_you_know_when_a_prescription_is_being/
%
What's a mathematician's favorite drug?

dx/dc

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4501a0/whats_a_mathematicians_favorite_drug/
%
My Asian girlfriend says that a small dick is no problem,

although I'd prefer if she didn't had one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44zvb3/my_asian_girlfriend_says_that_a_small_dick_is_no/
%
What's the difference between an Iraqi middle school and a terrorist training camp?

Fuck if I know, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ztc6/whats_the_difference_between_an_iraqi_middle/
%
I cant stand this politically correct society much longer. I can't even order coffee anymore.

I used to go to the store and just say "I'll take my coffee black." Now I have to say "I'll take my coffee jeniqua."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44zgak/i_cant_stand_this_politically_correct_society/
%
People always give bridge builders a hard time...

They're just trying to make ends meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44zbru/people_always_give_bridge_builders_a_hard_time/
%
Want to learn how to keep an idiot occupied for hours?

[Click here to find out!](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44z1io/want_to_learn_how_to_keep_an_idiot_occupied_for/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44z1io/want_to_learn_how_to_keep_an_idiot_occupied_for/
%
Why don't chicken wear underwear?

Because their pecker is on their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44yxac/why_dont_chicken_wear_underwear/
%
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

Brothel Sprouts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44yv65/what_do_you_call_kids_born_in_whorehouses/
%
Today, my wife found a pair of her sister's panties in our room.

They were in my laundry pile, next to my boxers.
Now she's mad, because I told her it was only a brief affair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ys4g/today_my_wife_found_a_pair_of_her_sisters_panties/
%
What do you call a Jewish rock band?

I want my nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ys17/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_rock_band/
%
How did Mace die?

He was thrown out the Windu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44yoxl/how_did_mace_die/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44yove/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
%
A man walks into a bar...

Late one Saturday night a man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says
"I got a wager for you"
"what would that be?" the bartender replies
"I'll bet you $500 that I can bite my own eye" the man says plainly.
"Fine, you got yourself a deal" the bartender agreed.
The man pops out his glass eye and proceeds to bite it.
"That'll be $500" the man said with a grin.
Upset the bartender pulls out $500 and hands it to the man. Looking at the bartender he says
"Look, how about this, double or nothing. I'll bet you I can bite my other eye"
"The bartender looks the man over and thinks "well I'm already in the hole. I know he isn't blind so I might win this one"
"Deal" said the bartender.
The man proceeds to pull out his dentures and bite his other eye. Completely depressed the bartender pulls out the rest of the money and hands it to the man.
"Look now, I don't wanna leave you high and dry" said the man. "Here, one last bet. I'll bet you all your money back that if you slide a shotglass down the bar I can piss in it and not miss a drop"
With nothing left to lose the bartender agrees and takes a shotglass and slides it down the bar. Barely getting a drop in the man missing wildly and pisses everywhere.
"YES!!" the bartender said jumping up and down excitedly.
Across the bar a man shouts "GODDAMMIT!!"
"What's his problem?" the bartender asked
"Oh him?" the man replied "I bet him $5,000 I could piss all over the bar and make the bartender happy about it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44yltf/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
9/11 victims are the fastest readers.

They went through 80 stories in 10 seconds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ykhv/911_victims_are_the_fastest_readers/
%
Why did Bill Clinton say NO to testosterone meds?

He was afraid of ending up like Hillary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ybof/why_did_bill_clinton_say_no_to_testosterone_meds/
%
My wife told me she was converting to Islam and changing her name...

to Seldom Bin Laid
*my wife actually said this to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44yaxa/my_wife_told_me_she_was_converting_to_islam_and/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby...

The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44y3nt/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
%
A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana...

Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital.
Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within a few minutes and the attending physician marks the cause of death as "1/2".
Curious, the nurse asks him what this seemingly unrelated fraction has to do with this man's death.
The doctor responds "Juan over-dos".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44y2mi/a_mexican_man_is_found_unresponsive_on_the/
%
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?

I cry when I cut up onions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44y11s/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_an_onion/
%
Going to prom

A 17 year old boy in high school was about to go to his first prom. There was this girl he really liked, and didn't want to ask her to prom out of fear she would say no. He finally builds up the courage to ask her to prom and she says yes!
Now he is extremely excited and wants everything to be perfect. So first he goes to the tuxedo shop to rent a tuxedo. It's a couple days before prom so he has to wait in a long line. After 2 hours he finally gets his tux.
Next he has to get flowers. He goes to the flower shop, but it's a couple days before prom so it's packed and he has to wait in a long line. After 2 hours he finally gets the flowers.
Next he has to rent a limo. He goes to the limo rental store the next, but it's the day before prom, so it's packed and he has to wait in a long line. After 2 hours he finally gets the limo rental figured out.
The next day it's finally prom. He gets in his tux, picks up the girl in the limo, gives her the flowers and takes her to prom.
They get to prom and there is a huge line outside for the tickets. After 2 hours they finally get there tickets and go inside.
They dance for a little while, but the girl gets thirsty so she asks the boy if he could go get her something to drink. He goes to the punch bowl and there's no punchline!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44xz2c/going_to_prom/
%
What did the shy pebble wish for?

That it could be a little bolder!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44xuwk/what_did_the_shy_pebble_wish_for/
%
Why was Jimmy so excited to go to Clown College?

He got a fool scholarship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44xufe/why_was_jimmy_so_excited_to_go_to_clown_college/
%
What do a guy crossing Niagara falls on a tight rope and a guy getting a blowjob from a 90 year old have in common?

Both are thinking don't look down, just don't look down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44xsw0/what_do_a_guy_crossing_niagara_falls_on_a_tight/
%
What do you call a fat North Korean?

Supreme Leader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44xsm1/what_do_you_call_a_fat_north_korean/
%
Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug?

She gave birth in the spring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44xp1o/did_you_hear_about_the_pregnant_bed_bug/
%
I once asked a Frenchman if he plays video games.

He responded, "Oui."
I told him Xbox is better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44xlmu/i_once_asked_a_frenchman_if_he_plays_video_games/
%
A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?”   “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress.  “Sure, that will do.”   The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water.  He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili.   The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten.  Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. “Are you going to eat that chili?”  “Nope, it’s yours if you want it” says the cowboy.  The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating.  When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse.  The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl.  The cowboy looks at him and says “Yep, same thing happened to me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44xk7n/a_homeless_man_enters_a_diner/
%
I wrote an essay once comparing various versions of the Bible.

I had to do a lot of cross referencing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44xfq8/i_wrote_an_essay_once_comparing_various_versions/
%
After a terrible storm, a farmer realizes he needs to revamp his fence.

Sorry, repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44xfbl/after_a_terrible_storm_a_farmer_realizes_he_needs/
%
Whats the difference between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly your dick down someones throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44xdn2/whats_the_difference_between_jam_and_jelly/
%
A man has an option to turn into any object in the universe, he chose a butter knife.

He wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44xdkn/a_man_has_an_option_to_turn_into_any_object_in/
%
The Jewish Year is 5776. As of yesterday, the Chinese year is 4714...

That means Jews had to exist for 1,062 years without Chinese Food.   They call this time, "The Dark Age."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44x6su/the_jewish_year_is_5776_as_of_yesterday_the/
%
First Rule of Thesaurus Club:

You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44x6ly/first_rule_of_thesaurus_club/
%
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"

Then I unplugged his life support

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44x53e/my_grandpa_said_your_generation_relies_too_much/
%
Catholic parrots.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired..
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment. "You
know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
"I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!"
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison,
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44x10v/catholic_parrots/
%
I asked the grammar police about a crime in the capital...

They told me that case was sensitive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44wy0g/i_asked_the_grammar_police_about_a_crime_in_the/
%
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44wtby/wife_i_look_fat_can_you_give_me_a_compliment/
%
A Koala is sitting in a bar...

A Koala is sitting in a bar enjoying his drink when a beautiful woman approaches him. She starts flirting and they chat for a few minutes before the woman looks at the Koala and says
"hey, you wanna get outta here?"
"Sure!" the Koala replied as he jumped off the stool and took her hand and led her out of the bar.
The moment they get into her apartment he immediately pulls her skirt down and starts going down on her. After about 15 minutes the Koala gets up and starts walking around.
"what are you doing?" the woman asked.
"Oh, I'm getting my stuff and going back to the bar" the Koala replied.
"You have to pay me first!" the woman shouted.
"What!? Why?" the Koala asked.
"Because I'm a prostitute!" the woman said angrily.
"What's a prostitute?" he asked
The woman grabbed a dictionary from the bedside table and threw it at him. He opened it up and found the word:
Prostitute: A person who offers sexual activity in exchange for payment.
The Koala snapped the dictionary shut and angrily shouted
"Well yeah bitch, I'm a Koala!"
"What the fuck is a Koala?!" she barked
The Koala threw the dictionary back at her and she opened it up to the K section.
Koala: Eats bushes and leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44wqky/a_koala_is_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
Love is a lot like algebra...

You look at your X and try to figure out Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44wpxe/love_is_a_lot_like_algebra/
%
officer answer the lady who came for swimming

Officer: "Madam, swimming is prohibited in this lake."
Lady: "Why didn't you tell me when I was removing my clothes?"
Officer: "Well, that's not prohibited."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44wojb/officer_answer_the_lady_who_came_for_swimming/
%
How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44wn7l/how_do_you_make_a_kleenex_dance/
%
story of Robert who live with 2 friends in floor no 600

Bob, Rob, and Robert live on the six hundredth floor of an apartment building. One day, the elevators are broken, so they have to take the stairs. To entertain themselves, they decide that for the first 200 floors, Bob will tell happy stories, for the middle 200 floors, Rob will tell funny stories, and for the last 200 floors, Robert will tell sad stories. On the 401st floor, Robert says, "Here's my sad story: I left our apartment's keys in the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44wihy/story_of_robert_who_live_with_2_friends_in_floor/
%
What do you call a German sausage fest?

Wurst orgy ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44wfde/what_do_you_call_a_german_sausage_fest/
%
Telephone - Funny Joke

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44was9/telephone_funny_joke/
%
A man said to me, "Man, I was so wasted last night I went home and blew chunks!"

I said, "most people are sick after drinking too much."
"No, you don't understand." he replied. "Chunks is my pitbull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44vydb/a_man_said_to_me_man_i_was_so_wasted_last_night_i/
%
The police came to my door last night showing me a picture...

"Is this your wife, sir?" they asked.
"Yes", I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
"I know, but she's good with the kids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44vxa4/the_police_came_to_my_door_last_night_showing_me/
%
Did you hear about the angry pancake?

He just flipped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44vtes/did_you_hear_about_the_angry_pancake/
%
What can a goose do, that a duck can't, that a lawyer should ?

Stick his bill up his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44vrm9/what_can_a_goose_do_that_a_duck_cant_that_a/
%
Some Catholic priests are doing their final test before becoming ministers.

The final test was to stand naked with a bell on your penis, and then receive a lap dance. The candidates had to prove their vow of celebacy by not getting aroused. They bring in the stripper and she gives each guy a lap dance, and each one does not get aroused. When she gets the the final candidate his bell rings so hard it flies off. Embarrassed, he bends over to pick up his bell...
Then all the other bells ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44vm35/some_catholic_priests_are_doing_their_final_test/
%
How do you know you're kissing a french horn player?

They try to stick their hand up your butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44vizt/how_do_you_know_youre_kissing_a_french_horn_player/
%
A Chinese Doctor...

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Chinese Doctors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44viyk/a_chinese_doctor/
%
girl answer when boy ask about valentines

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44vgqb/girl_answer_when_boy_ask_about_valentines/
%
Why are Gametes good at marketing?

Sex cells!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44vg13/why_are_gametes_good_at_marketing/
%
A terminally ill man talks to his doctor

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.
Patient: Please give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 30 days left to live.
Patient: And the bad news?
Doctor: I should have told you that 1 month ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44vac4/a_terminally_ill_man_talks_to_his_doctor/
%
Why is it bad that Peyton Manning shilled for Budweiser?

Because he clearly owed the win to Miller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44v39n/why_is_it_bad_that_peyton_manning_shilled_for/
%
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaners

, the guy is a little old and hard of hearing. Monica says "i need to get this dress cleaned, no starch, use the same hanger."
The dry cleaner responds "come again?"
Monica says "nope, this time it's mustard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44v14m/monica_lewinsky_walks_into_her_dry_cleaners/
%
A repost walks into a bar...

....Nah, nevermind. You've probably heard it before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44uyci/a_repost_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Yo Mama So Ugly...

Bill Cosby needed to drug himself to fuck her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44uq7t/yo_mama_so_ugly/
%
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44up06/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_rubber_toe/
%
When I lose my glasses I become a horrible plumber

because I can't see shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44uman/when_i_lose_my_glasses_i_become_a_horrible_plumber/
%
How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

He'll do it **Juan by Juan.** (So corny, IK.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ug1u/how_does_donald_trump_plan_on_deporting_12/
%
Ever since my wife had her toes amputated I can't stand to be around her.

I guess I'm *lack toes* intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44u3xc/ever_since_my_wife_had_her_toes_amputated_i_cant/
%
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, an airline's engine goes out...

...after the pilot stabilizes the plane, he comes across the radio and announces the disaster. "We're going to have to jettison the luggage, but don't worry; US Coast Guard cutters are standing by to collect your belongings once they land and they'll be returned to you."
After jettisoning the luggage, a second engine fails, and the pilot comes back on the radio, "Unfortunately, we're going to have to start jettisoning some passengers to make the aircraft lighter. The flight attendants will supervise handing out parachutes."
"We're going to do this alphabetically, by race, to make everything fair," the flight attendant said cooly, "so we'll start with A, for African-American."
A little boy began to raise his hand, and the boy's father quickly grabbed it and pushed it back down.
"Okay, B, for Black," continued the flight attendant. Again the little boy began raising his hand, and was stopped by his father. He was confused, but didn't say anything.
"Alright, C, for Colored," said the flight attendant. Once more the boy began raising his hand, and father halted him.
"Dad, I'm confused," said the boy with a puzzled look on his face, "we're African-American, Black, and Colored. Why aren't we getting off the plane?"
"Son," replied his father sternly, "today, and only today, we're Niggers. We're gonna let those fuckin' Mexicans jump first," and burst out laughing.
A Mexican in front of him turned around and said, "I 'unno what the fuck you're laughing at homes, we're Wetbacks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44tvyl/on_a_transatlantic_flight_an_airlines_engine_goes/
%
I got an email from a Mongolian king...

I got an email from a Mongolian king, promising me millions and everyone warned me it was a con, but I was like "Yeah guys, I know it's a Khan. That's what a king from Mongolia is called."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44tv9n/i_got_an_email_from_a_mongolian_king/
%
Why did the Broncos wear white jerseys in Super Bowl 50?

Because it's hard to catch a white bronco in California.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ttzc/why_did_the_broncos_wear_white_jerseys_in_super/
%
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while.
The bartender asks, "Aren't you going to tell a joke?"
The blind guy says, “Nah, everyone on /r/jokes knows this one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44tswz/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar_and_find_his_way_to_a/
%
Trying to Have a Baby

Saying that "We are trying to have a baby" is the only discreet way I can tell my mother-in-law that I had sex with her daughter 4 times last week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44trc8/trying_to_have_a_baby/
%
The sound at the monastery

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later,
The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
Some 4-5 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says,
"The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire,
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to know its the end.
He unlocks the door,turns the knob,
and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44tolj/the_sound_at_the_monastery/
%
My biologist girlfriend was making competent cells at the lab today...

I asked if they were very sure of them cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44tof1/my_biologist_girlfriend_was_making_competent/
%
Koala Drama

One day a Koala bear was feeling exceptionally horny, so he gets his phone and orders a prostitute.
Shortly thereafter the prostitute arrives and enters the tree-house. Hours go by and the marsupial needs to hit the local watering hole. He tells the hooker to let herself out.
As the bear exits the whore yells "Where the hell do you think you're going without paying me!?"
Realizing small animals have no concept of money. She pulls out a dictionary and reads "protistitute: has sexual intercourse in exchange for money."
The fuzzy bear snatched the dictionary out of the whores' hand and shows her
"Koala:
eats bush and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ti8n/koala_drama/
%
A friend of mine is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac.

an he stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44tf3w/a_friend_of_mine_is_a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
%
A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?". To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44tab4/a_mathematician_and_an_engineer_agreed_to_take/
%
Today I set my location on Tinder to Flint, Michigan

Because I bet those girls are pretty thirsty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44t1z8/today_i_set_my_location_on_tinder_to_flint/
%
A Welshman walks into a pub and takes a seat next to an extremely attractive woman

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it out...'
Intrigued, the woman asks 'a state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Welshman explains 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well...' replies the man 'it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Welshman smiles as he taps his watch
and says 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44sz64/a_welshman_walks_into_a_pub_and_takes_a_seat_next/
%
My wife's fanny smells like roses..

But rose's is tighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44sz4a/my_wifes_fanny_smells_like_roses/
%
Logic at the Community College

Looking for a little knowledge, Jimmy walks into his local community college and asks the admissions clerk on duty what classes are being offered. The clerk tells Jimmy there is a logic course starting up soon.
"Logic?" Asks Jimmy, "what's that?"
"Logic is real easy, let me explain it this way, Jimmy do you own a lawnmower?"
"Why yes I do"
"Ok, that must mean you've got a yard"
"Yup"
"If you've got a yard, then you must have a house"
"Sure do"
"And if you've got a house, you probably have kids"
"Three of them!"
"Wow, then you must be a heterosexual male with a beautiful wife at home"
"Yes, yes! This logic thing is pretty cool, sign me up!"
Later that day Jimmy goes home and sees his neighbor Gary and tells Gary about his new college course. Gary says "logic? What's that?"
"Well let me explain it like this", says Jimmy. "Do you own a lawnmower Gary?"
"No, I always borrow yours"
"Well then you must be a homosexual!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44stam/logic_at_the_community_college/
%
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ss43/there_is_more_money_being_spent_on_breast/
%
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,

so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44srrx/at_school_little_johnnys_classmate_tells_him_that/
%
What do you call a chicken staring at a head of lettuce?

Chicken sees-a salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44sq95/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_staring_at_a_head_of/
%
Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.
Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.
Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.
Obama: I don't believe you. I bet if we take your limo out for a spin I'll see some drunks staggering around.
Putin: Okay, let me prove you wrong. We'll drive around and if you see a single drunk you can shoot them with my own gun.
Putin let's the FSB know what they're doing, and tells them to do a sweep and round up every single drunk on their route. He says if Obama sees a single drunk everyone will get sent to Siberia.
Obama and Putin drive around for 10 minutes, and the streets are empty. Not a single person is out, let alone a drunk. Obama is about to accept defeat when a visibly drunk man staggers out of an apartment building, singing a Russian folk song. Obama leans out the window and shoots him.
Obama: See Vlad, I saw one person and he was drunk! All Russians are drunks!
Six months later Putin travels to Washington DC and he and Obama are having the same argument about morals and society. Putin suggests they do the same thing they did in Moscow, and he will shoot any drunks that he sees on Washington's streets. Obama let's the Secret Service know to go ahead and make sure there are no drunks anywhere on their route.
The two presidents drive around for 10 minutes, without seeing anyone. Just as they're turning around a huge group of drunks stumbles out of a bar. Putin gets excited, leans out the window and mows them all down. He teases Obama for the rest of the night.
Putin: Barack, you said Russians were worse drunks than Americans. I just killed 20 of them, looks like Russia wins again!
The next morning Vladimir Putin picks up the newspaper and sees the headline: 20 Russian Embassy Workers Slain In Drive-By Shooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44sn3u/putin_and_obama_meet_in_moscow/
%
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane...

and the flight attendant says, "I'm sorry, sir. You're only allowed one carrion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44sllb/a_vulture_carrying_two_dead_raccoons_tries_to/
%
A man walks into a bar with a Labrador and takes a seat.

The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" The man doesn't miss a beat and replies, "Excuse me, this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender apologises profusely and says, "Here, the first one's on me."
The man walks over and takes a seat near the door. Soon, another man walks in with a chihuahua. The first man says, "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man thanks him and heads over to the bar.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The second man says, "It's my seeing eye dog." The bartender scowls and says, "I do not believe they give chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
And the second man says, "They gave me a chihuahua?!?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44sjln/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_labrador_and_takes/
%
A toothless beaver walks into a pub and asks...

...is the bar tender here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44sfsf/a_toothless_beaver_walks_into_a_pub_and_asks/
%
What is the cuddliest particle known to science?

The HUGS boson!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44sd70/what_is_the_cuddliest_particle_known_to_science/
%
What's the best way to get the aristocracy out of France?

A chopper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44scwg/whats_the_best_way_to_get_the_aristocracy_out_of/
%
China has a great wall.....

and guess what?  No Mexicans!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44sapr/china_has_a_great_wall/
%
What do pirate farmers charge for their corn?

A buccaneer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44s9db/what_do_pirate_farmers_charge_for_their_corn/
%
There's a woman who's married to this guy...

...for quite some time. They have two wonderful children, respectively four and six years of age. She's quite happy with the relationship and otherwise has little issue with her husband aside from one thing. He always fucks her with the lights off.
She'd ask him about it from time to time but he'd casually brush her off, "I'll tell you about it some day."
It's not as if she was an unattractive woman nor that her husband was unattractive man. This only grew her curiosity.
So late one evening after setting the children to bed she seduced her husband. In the middle of his climax she reached over towards the dresser and flicked the lights on, getting off of him in the process. Only to notice when she looked down at him that he was wearing a big black strap on.
"Care to explain the strap on?" She asked, flabbergasted.
"Sure," he replied. "After you explain the kids."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44s0jf/theres_a_woman_whos_married_to_this_guy/
%
What are Muslim men's favorite mathematical equation?

Inequalities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ruh6/what_are_muslim_mens_favorite_mathematical/
%
Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one?

Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ru42/which_is_better_exercise_chasing_a_car_or_running/
%
A monkey walks into a bar...

...and asks the bartender:
- Do you have bananas?
- No.
- Do you have bananas?
- I said, no.
- Do you have bananas?
- No, are you deaf or what? If you ask me one more time if I have bananas, I'll NAIL your tongue at the counter!
- ... Do you have nails?
- No.
- Do you have bananas?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44roqi/a_monkey_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Do you know why doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis?

Because the definition of arthritis is inflammation of the joints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44rjyt/do_you_know_why_doctors_are_prescribing_medical/
%
What's the most common pickup line at a gay bar?

May I please push in your stool?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44rini/whats_the_most_common_pickup_line_at_a_gay_bar/
%
I found my dad sniffing my sister's underwear.

It wouldn't have been that awkward had she not been wearing them at the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44rhtx/i_found_my_dad_sniffing_my_sisters_underwear/
%
A husband was on his deathbed with his wife by his side.

"Honey, I have something to confess to you.", he says.
"No dear, save your energy."
"I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven." He says. "I cheated on you."
"I know." She said. "I poisoned you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44rb0k/a_husband_was_on_his_deathbed_with_his_wife_by/
%
An old man walked into an ice cream parlor...

He slowly climbed onto a stool, wincing with pain, and then proceeded to order a banana split.
"Crushed nuts, sir?" asked the waitress.
The old man took a deep breath and replied, "No, arthritis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44r9s4/an_old_man_walked_into_an_ice_cream_parlor/
%
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

It ran out of juice.
I shall take my leave now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44r4np/why_did_the_orange_stop_rolling_down_the_hill/
%
What does Cam Newton have in common with a Fig Newton?

They are both soft and crumble under pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44qv25/what_does_cam_newton_have_in_common_with_a_fig/
%
It would be nice if for once i got a thank you...

...when I serve breakfast in bed instead of "who are you" and "how did you get in here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44qujb/it_would_be_nice_if_for_once_i_got_a_thank_you/
%
One day, the President finds a nasty message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.

He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The urine belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44qt6b/one_day_the_president_finds_a_nasty_message/
%
Make little things count!...

Teach midgets math!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44qt56/make_little_things_count/
%
How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44qs5f/how_can_you_tell_if_your_wife_is_dead/
%
Answer of a husband

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44qrdz/answer_of_a_husband/
%
A girl jumps off from 10th floor of a building.

A guy on the 8th floor catches her hand. The girl asks "What do you want in exchange for my life?"
"I'll wine you and dine and take good care of you but from time to time I am going to fuck you."
The girl thinks that she could not live like that so she lets his hand go. On the 6th floor a second guy catches her. She asks "What do you want in exchange for my life?"
"I'll wine you and dine and take good care of you but from time to time I am going to fuck you."
The girl thinks that she could not live like that so she lets his hand go. On the 4th floor a third guy catches her. She asks "What do you want in exchange for my life?"
"I'll wine you and dine and take good care of you."
The girl asks again with her eyes shining with hope. "So aren't you gonna fuck me?"
The guy drops the girl and yells: "YOU FUCKING SLUT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44qq9i/a_girl_jumps_off_from_10th_floor_of_a_building/
%
Start your presentation with a joke

My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke.
I attached payslip on the first slide...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44qnha/start_your_presentation_with_a_joke/
%
Why is Jeb! Bush still running for president?

Because the Bush family thinks that no child should be left behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44qlz4/why_is_jeb_bush_still_running_for_president/
%
I have a really good relatipnship with the elevator operator.

We speak to eachother on so many different levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44qifg/i_have_a_really_good_relatipnship_with_the/
%
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44qgci/a_blind_man_enters_a_bar_and_find_his_way_to_a/
%
I asked my French friend if he watched superbowl...

...he said bowling is not so big in Europe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44qdrg/i_asked_my_french_friend_if_he_watched_superbowl/
%
Doctor: You're obese. Patient:

***Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44q86f/doctor_youre_obese_patient/
%
Ever wonder why Dallas Cowboy fans are so rich?

Because they never have to pay for super bowl tickets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44q6za/ever_wonder_why_dallas_cowboy_fans_are_so_rich/
%
I keep getting emails about penis enlargement.

The ones from my wife are starting to get personal, but it's the ones from my mother that really hurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44q3z8/i_keep_getting_emails_about_penis_enlargement/
%
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a uni cycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44q1xx/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
%
A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.

Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "
why didn't you raise your hand?"  The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44pytz/a_sergeant_was_addressing_a_squad_of_25_and_said/
%
A man walks into a zoo...

The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog....
It's a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44px06/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo/
%
Had some medical tests. Sometimes ignorance is bliss

Doctor: I have some bad news and some worse news.
Me: Oh no. What's the bad news?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Me: OMG. What's the worse news?
Doctor: I should have told you yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ptlp/had_some_medical_tests_sometimes_ignorance_is/
%
I found a very lucrative deal on the firearms section on Craigslist.

A French MAS36 rifle. Never fired, dropped once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44pshl/i_found_a_very_lucrative_deal_on_the_firearms/
%
I Gave My Father $100…

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44pmm1/i_gave_my_father_100/
%
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books

but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44pjg4/my_friend_recently_got_crushed_by_a_pile_of_books/
%
A man entered a pun contest and submitted 10 puns, hoping at least one would win...

No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44pgf0/a_man_entered_a_pun_contest_and_submitted_10_puns/
%
Little Johnny is in class...

The teacher asks the class, "there are 5 birds on the line, someone shoots one bird, how many are left?"
Johnny says none, because when the gun went off, there birds flew away. The teacher says, no there are 4 but I like the way you're thinking.
Johnny says ok teacher, there are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones. The first one is lightly licking the ice cream, the second is biting the ice cream and the third one gobbles the whole cone down. Johnny asks, which one is married? The teacher says, the one that gobbles the ice cream cone down? Johnny says, no, it's the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you're thinking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44p9b9/little_johnny_is_in_class/
%
What do Caitlin Jenner and the Carolina Panthers have in common?

Manning was just a bit too much for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44p3la/what_do_caitlin_jenner_and_the_carolina_panthers/
%
I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ovy8/i_just_found_out_that_the_guy_who_stole_my/
%
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

Look for the Fresh Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ovmc/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_a_snow_storm/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44oubt/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
Cleanin' his boat

A man walks into a bar and sits down with a big ol' grin on his face. Bartender asks, "You look happy Bob, watcha' been doin'?"
"Well I was out cleanin' my boat Jim, and this real hot brunette walks up. I ask her if she wants to come for a ride in my boat and she says yes. Well Jim, I took her out and I took her way out. Stopped the boat in the middle of the lake and gave her two options; fuck me or swim. She couldn't swim Jim, she couldn't swim.
Next day man comes into the bar and sits down with a big ol' grin on his face. Bartender asks, "You look happy Bob, watcha' been doin'?"
"Well I was out cleanin' my boat Jim, and this real hot blonde walks up. I ask her if she wants to come for a ride in my boat and she says yes. Well Jim, I took her out and I took her way out. Stopped the boat in the middle of the lake and gave her two options; fuck me or swim. She couldn't swim Jim, she couldn't swim.
Next day he comes into the bar and sits down with a big ol' frown on his face. Bartender asks, "You look sad Bob, what's the matter?"
"Well I was out cleanin' my boat Jim, and this real hot redhead walks up. I ask her if she wants to come for a ride in my boat and she says yes. Well Jim, I took her out and I took her way out. Stopped the boat in the middle of the lake and gave her two options; fuck me or swim. She pulled down her pants and showed me her 12 inch long dick Jim. And Jim, I can't swim!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44osq1/cleanin_his_boat/
%
What is Jesus' favorite band?

Nine Inch Nails

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44orsa/what_is_jesus_favorite_band/
%
A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane

. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."
"No," she says, "I just want to sleep."
He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says if he gets it wrong he will pay her five hundred dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.
"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.
She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.
He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her, "So what is the answer?"
She hands him 5 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44opqn/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_are_sitting_next_to_each/
%
I used to enjoy internet porn every day.

But then a feminist friend of mine told me “Seriously, go read about the way they’re manipulated into performing. The way they’re mistreated is repulsive.”
&nbsp;
So I did my own research and was horrified. I can’t even get turned on by it anymore.
&nbsp;
I just can’t bring myself to support an industry where men get paid so much less.
&nbsp;
*Joke courtesy of James Myers @MisterJMyers*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44odxb/i_used_to_enjoy_internet_porn_every_day/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't be silly. Feminists can't change anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44o9sb/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Obama died joke

One day in the future, Barrack  Obama has a heart-attack and  dies.
He immediately goes to hell,  where  the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44o8s6/obama_died_joke/
%
My website just crashed from a huge influx of traffic today...

I wonder why so many people are interested in my superb owl, today of all days. I mean, he's really great and all, but he's just an owl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44nxay/my_website_just_crashed_from_a_huge_influx_of/
%
Women know that men are like linoleum . . .

If they lay 'em right the first time, they can walk on them for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44npfm/women_know_that_men_are_like_linoleum/
%
What's another name for an irrational fear of clowns?

Common sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44nk6u/whats_another_name_for_an_irrational_fear_of/
%
My friend said he found a website that represents my sex life.

I tried to look for it and an error came up saying, "404-Not found".
Strange, I must have a bad connection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44nj2q/my_friend_said_he_found_a_website_that_represents/
%
A woman full of bruises goes to the doctor

Doctor: oh my God! What happened to you.
Woman: every time my husband gets home drunk he beats the hell out of me.
Doctor: oh I see, here take this lollipop, the next time your husband gets drunk, just take that lolipop out and start sucking it, don't think or say anything just focus on that lollipop.
Woman: are you sure that will help.
Doctor: yes, come back next week to see how it went.
The woman leaves and comes back a week later, without a bruise in her body.
Doctor: I see the lollipop worked.
Woman: yes, I did it exactly like you told me and my husband didn't even say a word to me, and went straight to bed.
Doctor: well, see how nice it is when you keep your mouth shut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ngvc/a_woman_full_of_bruises_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
How do you start a racist joke?

With a small million dollar loan from his father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ng2q/how_do_you_start_a_racist_joke/
%
Whats the difference between a zippo and a hippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ne96/whats_the_difference_between_a_zippo_and_a_hippo/
%
My SO is giving me the silent treatment, so I tightened all the lids of our jars.

Now she'll have to talk to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44nddt/my_so_is_giving_me_the_silent_treatment_so_i/
%
What does a power ranger say before they do drugs?

It's morphine time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44n8nm/what_does_a_power_ranger_say_before_they_do_drugs/
%
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44n8ix/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all_in_the/
%
The vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44n637/the_vibrator/
%
I just burned 1,500 calories!

I forgot the pizza in the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44n0hm/i_just_burned_1500_calories/
%
Funny Johnny and his father

Johnny, if you had $5 and you asked your father for $3 more, how many dollars would you have?
– I would have five dollars…
– You don’t know your arithmetic, Johnny…
– You don’t know my father, Mrs. Mutch…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44msaz/funny_johnny_and_his_father/
%
(OC) What's the dirtiest part of a Jedi?

The Forceskin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44miqs/oc_whats_the_dirtiest_part_of_a_jedi/
%
I bet you $20 I can tell you the score of the big game tonight before it even starts.

Broncos: 0 Panthers: 0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44mfys/i_bet_you_20_i_can_tell_you_the_score_of_the_big/
%
Why is Jesus Christ so buff?

Crossfit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44me5y/why_is_jesus_christ_so_buff/
%
There are two types of countries on this planet

ones that use the metric system and the one that got to the moon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44mc7a/there_are_two_types_of_countries_on_this_planet/
%
They say make up sex is the best...

Good thing, because all the sex I have is made up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44mc1w/they_say_make_up_sex_is_the_best/
%
When you get old, your hearing starts to go...

Three old men are walking down the street one afternoon.  The first one remarks "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one says "Nah! It's Thursday."
The third one nods and replies "So am I, let's stop for a drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44m8kj/when_you_get_old_your_hearing_starts_to_go/
%
The Social Justice League doesn't have a Batmobile

They have a tumbler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44m7i4/the_social_justice_league_doesnt_have_a_batmobile/
%
What kind of eggs do Canadians prefer?

Grade eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44m71j/what_kind_of_eggs_do_canadians_prefer/
%
I spent all of last night trying to remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500 and couldn't....

...I'm so LIVID right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44m2ii/i_spent_all_of_last_night_trying_to_remember_the/
%
Why do elephants drink so much?

To forget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44lt5l/why_do_elephants_drink_so_much/
%
Semi clean jokes that aren't pervy and don't include death?

I hope I'm okay to post a request - I'm in a hospital with my mother-in-law who continues to have small strokes as a result of her cancer. She can understand what we are saying but can only say yes and no. Most important she can laugh when she hears a good joke. This is where you can help. I need some semi-clean jokes or puns that don't involve pervy behavior or death. Scrolling through r/jokes is hit and miss so I'm hopeful you could help with a special request.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ls8k/semi_clean_jokes_that_arent_pervy_and_dont/
%
A blonde walked up to a restaurant and upon seeing that the sign said "Open", she walked in.

She ordered a full course meal and was very happy. She stood up to leave but stood at the door for 10 minutes, checking her watch frequently. A waiter walked up to her. Waiter: "Hello ma'am. Are you waiting for somebody today?" Blonde: "No, not particularly." Waiter: "Then why are you standing by the door?" Blonde: "The door says closed. I'm waiting for it to open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ls3c/a_blonde_walked_up_to_a_restaurant_and_upon/
%
I held the door

... open for a gorgeous blonde at the bar last night.
My wife said, "You've never held the door open for me."
I said, "What about that time you threatened to leave?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44lrjc/i_held_the_door/
%
I'm practicing emotional abstinence

I haven't given a fuck in years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44lnvo/im_practicing_emotional_abstinence/
%
Happy Valentines!

A little early I know, but l suffer from premature congratulation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44lnix/happy_valentines/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44lj2i/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
Three guys walk into a bar: an alcoholic, a priest, and a child molester...

And that's just the first guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44lggl/three_guys_walk_into_a_bar_an_alcoholic_a_priest/
%
Man is incomplete

until he’s married.
Then he’s finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ldzu/man_is_incomplete/
%
Monogamy is having one spouse. Polygamy is having more than one spouse.

Monopolygamy is marrying the Monopoly Guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44lbk5/monogamy_is_having_one_spouse_polygamy_is_having/
%
A man dies and goes to heaven...

Here's one I heard a while ago, not sure if it's been on here before. Works better if read aloud.
John finds himself in heaven after dying in a car accident. He sees nothing but a golden ladder ahead of him and a sign telling him to climb it. He begins to climb, up through a layer of clouds. On the other side of the clouds is a beautiful woman, stark naked. She says to John, "you may have your way with me for the rest of your afterlife, or you can climb the ladder to success." Though tempted, John wonders what might be on the next level. He declines and keeps climbing. As he reaches the next layer he sees another, even more beautiful woman, naked too. Again she says, "You may have your way with me for the rest of your afterlife, or you can climb the ladder to success." John is very tempted, but still intrigued at what lies at the top. With a last peek he climbs yet further. As the reaches the next layer of clouds there stands a third, even more luscious woman. "You may have your way with me for the rest of your afterlife or you may climb the ladder to success." Getting the hang of this, John decides to climb yet higher. He reaches the top of the ladder at the next layer of clouds, and finds a completely nude man waiting for him. Before John could ask what had happened, the man spoke, "Hi there John! I'm Cess!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44l0j6/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Why do Germans have such great focus?

I think it's because they used to have concentration camps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44kyf8/why_do_germans_have_such_great_focus/
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A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44kxtl/a_woman_called_up_st_johns_hospital_and_asked_i/
%
I just won an award for my hairdressing skills.

Best Newcomber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44kvca/i_just_won_an_award_for_my_hairdressing_skills/
%
My first time having sex was just like my first time riding a bike

My dad was holding me from behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ki7r/my_first_time_having_sex_was_just_like_my_first/
%
How do you piss of an archaeologist?

Hand him a tampon and ask what period it's from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44kfb6/how_do_you_piss_of_an_archaeologist/
%
North Korea's launch code

↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44k2vs/north_koreas_launch_code/
%
Why does everyone assume that if they had a clone they could order them around all the time? If I was someone's clone and they tried to tell me what to do I'd tell them to go fuck themselves.

On second thought, scratch that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44k1oj/why_does_everyone_assume_that_if_they_had_a_clone/
%
Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44k10x/why_does_donald_trump_secretly_want_to_lose_the/
%
What does ISIS call wine snobs?

Zinfandels!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44jxg6/what_does_isis_call_wine_snobs/
%
I like my women the way I like my coffee

Light and sweet, but with lots of fucked up behind the scenes things that had to happen in order to produce them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44jn7g/i_like_my_women_the_way_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Where does lonely soup go?

To a brothel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44jm7m/where_does_lonely_soup_go/
%
I'm so broke..

.. that when my Identiy was stolen today and LifeLock called me and said I now have no money in my bank account.
I was like, "Sweet! I'm no longer in debt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44jjep/im_so_broke/
%
A very old woman, walking slowly and trembling, goes up to the pharmacist...

... and asks, "Exc-c-cuuse m-me...d-d-d-o you s-sell v-v-vibrating dildos?"
The pharmacist is very amused and says, "Sure do m'am! Looking for any one specific?"
"Y-y-yes... d-d-do you s-s-ell th-the F-f-forceF-f-fucker2000?"
The pharmacist can barely contain his laughter.
"Absolutely! Would you like one?!"
"N-n-n-no.... c-c-can you j-just t-t-tell me how to t-t-t-turn the f-fucking thing off!??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ji3w/a_very_old_woman_walking_slowly_and_trembling/
%
I went to the dentist and as the anesthesia kicked in I said "Go easy on me, it's my first time."

As I went under, the dentist picked up a scalpel and said, "Don't worry, it's also my first time."
^Stolen ^from ^a ^true ^story ^on ^an ^AskReddit ^thread.
^Edit: ^[Link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3ovic6/what_would_be_a_funny_thing_to_say_to_a_surgeon/cw0vu29)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44jevg/i_went_to_the_dentist_and_as_the_anesthesia/
%
Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44jehp/tried_kidnapping_stephen_hawking_the_other_day/
%
My dad just told me I was conceived in a circlejerk...

apparently things got out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44jdly/my_dad_just_told_me_i_was_conceived_in_a/
%
What's the best machine to impress women at the gym?

The ATM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44jd2s/whats_the_best_machine_to_impress_women_at_the_gym/
%
I can hear two bug swatters having a huge argument nearby.

I'd give anything to not be a fly on the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ixtt/i_can_hear_two_bug_swatters_having_a_huge/
%
The word politics is derived from two words

The word poly meaning many and the word ticks meaning blood sucking parasite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ivw1/the_word_politics_is_derived_from_two_words/
%
The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!" So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!" And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ivn4/the_10th_grade_teacher_asks_jessica_what_part_of/
%
Two guys walking through a field stumble upon an old well...

"How deep you think it is?" said the first.
"Let's throw a rock in and see," the other replied.
So they toss a small rock in and wait to hear it hit. But it never does.
So they grab a bigger rock and heft out over the side...but still they never hear it hit.
"Help me with that log over there," says one to the other.
So they grab the large log by both ends and lug it over to the well. With a little effort they get it up and tip it over the edge and down into the well, and wait.
As they're listening for it to hit, a small goat runs up between them, leaps into the well, and disappears into the dark hole.
They look at each other completely dumbfounded, wondering what just happened. They're still scratching their heads a moment later when a young boy approaches.
"Hey have you fellas seen a small goat around here??"
"As a matter of fact, we have," says the first man.
"Yeah," says the second. "A small goat just ran up and jumped into this well!"
"Oh," says the boy. "That couldn't have been *my* goat. Mine was tied up to a log."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44itud/two_guys_walking_through_a_field_stumble_upon_an/
%
Dad, quick, call me an ambulance!

"Okay, ambulance."
^^^^^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ita3/dad_quick_call_me_an_ambulance/
%
Yo momma is so fat ...

* when she wants to take a bath, She fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water
* I crashed into her for 15 minutes
* I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
* She farted in the pool and flooded New Orleans
*  when she steps on a scale it yells, "GET THE FUCK OFF"
* when she lies around the house, she lies AROUND the house
* she jumped out into the road and when I swerved to go around her, I ran out of gas!
* when she gets in the elevator, it HAS to go down
* her picture weighs 50 pounds
* if anybody wants to have sex with her, they have to slap her thigh and ride the wave in
* she jumped into the air and got stuck.
* Her Patronus is a cake(added)
* when I rolled off her after sex - I was still ontop of her.
* she doesn't walk, she rolls.
* She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.
* when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
* when she goes to the beach, PETA tries to rescue her.
* ... I pictured her in my head, and bitch broke my neck.
* we're all inside her right now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ipit/yo_momma_is_so_fat/
%
What did the boy tell the priest in the confessional?

Nothing.
It's rude to talk with your mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ime4/what_did_the_boy_tell_the_priest_in_the/
%
In 1466, Dracula started eating 16-year-old virgins.

In 2015, he died of starvation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44iar5/in_1466_dracula_started_eating_16yearold_virgins/
%
What does a nut say when it sneezes?

Cashew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44i8tl/what_does_a_nut_say_when_it_sneezes/
%
I thought my secret vasectomy would just keep my wife from getting pregnant, but sometimes......

... it just changes the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44i5y6/i_thought_my_secret_vasectomy_would_just_keep_my/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. He can seldom close his eyes without opening them again at fear of Charlies lurking in the jungle trees. Not that you could ever see the bastards, mind you. They were swift, and they knew their way around the jungle like nothing else. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces as he walked into that village and... oh, Jesus. The memories seldom left him, either. Sometimes he'd reminisce - even hear - Tex's southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes like nothing else. He always kept a pack of Lucky's with him. The boys are gone, now. He knows that; it's just that he forgets, sometimes. And, every now and then, the way that seven looks at him with avid concern in his eyes... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. Makes him feel like he's back there... in the jungle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44i5a7/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
If you are a woman and you like men that wear glasses...

I am full of specs appeal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44i2kw/if_you_are_a_woman_and_you_like_men_that_wear/
%
What's a necrophiliacs favorite drink?

Doesn't matter, so long as it's stiff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44i01e/whats_a_necrophiliacs_favorite_drink/
%
My dentist isn't racist.

He has loads of plaque friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44hzta/my_dentist_isnt_racist/
%
What should you do if you come across a tiger while in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44hx95/what_should_you_do_if_you_come_across_a_tiger/
%
I lost my mood ring last night...

I'm not sure how I feel about that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44hwxa/i_lost_my_mood_ring_last_night/
%
Voodoo Dick

A businessman just got elected in office and plans to leave to Washington. However, he needs to keep his wife entertained while he's gone. So he went to a sex shop. He asked the clerk, "Do you have anything that will please my wife while im gone?" The clerk left and returned with a wooden box. He opened it and it revealed a plain dildo. The clerk then said, "Voodoo dick the door." The dildo flies to the door and it keeps fucking it until the door splits in half.
"Voodoo dick stop."
The dildo returns to the box and the businessman bought it. He returned home and told his wife "I will be gone for several days. I know you will be tempted to fuck so if you do get tempted, just say voodoo dick my pussy."
The businessman left and the wife is alone. She got bored so she said, "Voodoo dick my pussy." The dildo flew to her pussy and fucked it so hard she got multiple orgasms. After awhile, she needs to do something but the voodoo dick keeps on fucking her pussy. She tried ways to get rid of it but it wont work. So she went to her car and drove to the hospital.
On the way there, she was driving erratically and she was pulled over by the cop. The cop said "What seems to be the problem ma'am?". She replied "I ave a voodoo dick n my pussy and I cant get rid of it."
The cop replied "Voodoo dick my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44hrva/voodoo_dick/
%
Why is Barbie never pregnant?

Because Ken comes in a different box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44hqgx/why_is_barbie_never_pregnant/
%
Son: Dad how do stars die?

Dad: Drugs, Usually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44hjkj/son_dad_how_do_stars_die/
%
My friends dog just died, he told me he wanted another one just like him...

...why whould you want another dead dog?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44hivq/my_friends_dog_just_died_he_told_me_he_wanted/
%
A blonde runs home from school....

A blonde runs home from school and screams "MUMMY MUMMY, WE DID THE ALPHABET TODAY, EVERYONE COULD ONLY GO UP TO D, AND I COULD GO TO G. 1,B,C,D,E,F,G. IS IT BECAUSE I'M BLONDE MUMMY? IS IT? IS IT?" Her mother says "Yes sweetie it is."
The next day, she runs home from school and screams "MUMMY MUMMY, WE DID NUMBERS AT SCHOOL, EVERYONE COULD ONLY GO TO 4 BUT I COULD GO TO 6. A,2,3,4,5,6. IS IT BECAUSE I'M BLONDE MUMMY? IS IT? IS IT?" Her mother says "Yes sweetie it is."
The next day, the blonde runs home from school and says "MUMMY MUMMY, IN  PE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS HAD FLAT CHESTS BUT I HAD THESE." and then  takes of her shirt, revealing a pair of 38C breasts. "IS IT BECAUSE I'M BLONDE MUMMY? IS IT? IS IT?" the blonde continues.
"No dear," says her mother, "it's because you're 25."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44heyv/a_blonde_runs_home_from_school/
%
What kind of joke do peeping Toms like?

In-ya-window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44hecj/what_kind_of_joke_do_peeping_toms_like/
%
What did the proctologist say to the pirate?

Show me your booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44hdnk/what_did_the_proctologist_say_to_the_pirate/
%
Why doesn't r/jokes like fencers?

Because they always riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44hc4s/why_doesnt_rjokes_like_fencers/
%
I like my women like I like my butter

In a box, in a fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44h97t/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_butter/
%
I once tried eating a clock

it was very time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44h7e8/i_once_tried_eating_a_clock/
%
I'm not an alcoholic ...

Alcoholic's need a drink, but I already have one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44h77f/im_not_an_alcoholic/
%
I Feel Really Safe

There are police helicopter circling my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44h0ze/i_feel_really_safe/
%
Sheep

At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"
"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.
"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44gznx/sheep/
%
What does a nosey pepper do?

Get Jalapeño business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44gyps/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
%
What type of bee makes milk?

A boo-bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44gvq9/what_type_of_bee_makes_milk/
%
How much salt does Jihadi John have on his chips?

Just a Daesh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44gqs3/how_much_salt_does_jihadi_john_have_on_his_chips/
%
The fly and the fish

A fly is buzzing around above the water. A fish is swimming underneath the fly buzzing above the water. The fish sees the fly and he says, "when that fly drops, I'm going to eat that fly."
A bear is standing in the water. The bear sees the fly, he sees the fish and he says, "when that fly drops, the fish is going to eat that fly, and I'm going to eat that fish."
A hunter is hiding in the bush near the water. The hunter sees the fly, he sees the fish, he sees the bear and he says, "when that fly drops, the fish is going to eat that fly, the bear is going to eat that fish, and I'm going to shoot that bear."
A mountain lion is hiding behind some trees on top of a hill behind the hunter. The mountain lion sees the fly, he sees the fish, he sees the bear, he sees the hunter and he says, "when that fly drops the fish is going to eat that fly, the bear is going to eat that fish, the hunter is going to shoot that bear, and I'm going to attack  the hunter."
It happens. The fly drops, the fish eats the fly, the bear eats the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, and the mountain lion charges down the hill and trips over a branch and goes somersaulting in to the water. Moral of the story is: when the fly drops, pussy's gunna get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44go0n/the_fly_and_the_fish/
%
This is how bad the economy is:

* My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
* Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
* CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
* Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
* A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
* If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
* McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
* Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
* Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
* A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
* A picture is now only worth 200 words.
* When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
* The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally….
* I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44gmsu/this_is_how_bad_the_economy_is/
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What do you call 3 agnostics sitting at a bar?

I don't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44gmqf/what_do_you_call_3_agnostics_sitting_at_a_bar/
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Women always call me ugly,until they find out how much money I make

Then,they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44gm7k/women_always_call_me_uglyuntil_they_find_out_how/
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Waiting for... eeeeeer... someone?

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies:
- "Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds:
- "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44gluu/waiting_for_eeeeeer_someone/
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My friend thinks he is so smart. He said the only food that can make a person cry is onions...

until I hit him in the face with a coconut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44gksb/my_friend_thinks_he_is_so_smart_he_said_the_only/
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I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .

. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44gird/i_always_start_crying_uncontrollably_whenever_i/
%
When you're down 'neath the sea, and an eel bites your knee...

That's a moray!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ggw7/when_youre_down_neath_the_sea_and_an_eel_bites/
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Riding a horse can be difficult. You could always choose to ride a mule instead...

but that would be half-assed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44gf8z/riding_a_horse_can_be_difficult_you_could_always/
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How I learned to mind my own business.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting "13, 13, 13.."
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through it to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting "14, 14, 14..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44gahw/how_i_learned_to_mind_my_own_business/
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It's 2 am. A teenage girl climbs up a brick wall and slowly shimmies through her open bedroom window

"Click!" Suddenly, light quickly engulfs the room. The girl discovers her mother siting on her bed with her right hand on the lamp string and a large angry grin of disapproval on her face.
Mother - "What happened to your 12 am curfew?! Where were you??!"
Daughter - "Sigh... I'm sorry mom! Yes I meant to call... I was at Shirley's house and lost track of time! Geez!"
Mother - "That lie you just told is gonna cost you your phone for a month! Your father called me half an hour ago, he's out drinking at his favorite bar with his work friend where he said he saw you with some boy! What were you thinking?! you're underage!"
Daughter - "UGH! Mom Chill! Yes I lied ok? That boy was just my friend Daniel! You know THAT Daniel??? It was his Birthday so me and Shirley got fake I.D's and took him to a Gay Bar to mingle! What's the big deal?!..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44g2zp/its_2_am_a_teenage_girl_climbs_up_a_brick_wall/
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The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44g262/the_wisdom_of_an_older_man/
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I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket.

'How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44g0l7/ill_never_forget_my_granddads_last_words_before/
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I'VE GOT (( PROBLEMS

AND A STUCK SHIFT KEY IS ONE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44fzwc/ive_got_problems/
%
What is green and smells like bacon?

Kermit's fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44fpcv/what_is_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
%
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old...

but they just know they are in love.
One day, they decide they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, 'my Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr Smith replies, 'Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, 'Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in there nicely.'
Still thinking that this is adorable, Mr Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then, how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie.'
Again, Johnny instantly replies. 'Our allowence... Susie gets $5 a week and I get $10 a week. That's about $60 a month and that should do us just fine.'
By this time, Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment, trying to come up with something Johnny won't have an answer to. After a moment, Mr Smith says, 'Well Johnny, you seem to have it all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if you have little ones of your own?'
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44fkqo/little_johnny_and_susie_are_only_10_years_old/
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A nine-year-old boy asks his mother...

'Is God male or female?' After thinking for a moment, the mother responds, 'Well, God is both male and female.'
This confuses the lad, so he asks, 'Is god black or white?'
'Well', she says, 'God is both black and white.'
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, 'Is God gay or straight?' Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to stay consistent, the mother answers, 'Honey, God is both gay and straight.'
At this the little boy's face lights up with understanding, and he triumphantly asks, 'Is Michael Jackson God?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44fjny/a_nineyearold_boy_asks_his_mother/
%
A lady went into a sex shop..

A lady went into a sex shop and asked the attendant: "My good man, do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes," was the reply.  "Come this way," he gestured, moving his finger.
"If I could come that way I wouldn't need the damn vibrator!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ffe2/a_lady_went_into_a_sex_shop/
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My Roommate wanted me to play the popular game Fuck, Marry, Kill...

But now I am confused. What should I do with my husband's dead body?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44f9bd/my_roommate_wanted_me_to_play_the_popular_game/
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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards, with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44f2x7/i_was_offered_sex_with_a_21_year_old_girl_today/
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What do you call a lonely terrorist?

ISIL-ated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44f1kw/what_do_you_call_a_lonely_terrorist/
%
Can a woman turn a man into a millionaire?

Yes, if he's a billionaire...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ewby/can_a_woman_turn_a_man_into_a_millionaire/
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My best friend ran off with my wife.

I still miss him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ev3q/my_best_friend_ran_off_with_my_wife/
%
Why don't Europeans have foot fetishes?

they use the metric system

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44euyv/why_dont_europeans_have_foot_fetishes/
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What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44eiyz/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_he_dumps_his/
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People say cannibals are disgusting human beings

But this one tastes pretty good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44eihs/people_say_cannibals_are_disgusting_human_beings/
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I've always dreamed of making a belt out of watches...

but everyone always tells me it'd just be a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ehn2/ive_always_dreamed_of_making_a_belt_out_of_watches/
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One I heard in 4th grade and remembered out of the blue today.

A sexy pirate captain had been at sea for 6 months, she was the perfect woman, a huge rack, a tight waist, long slender legs that lead up to nice tight ass. She was perfect except for her one wooden eye of which she was extremely sensitive. After 6 months at sea she was hot for it and ready to break her own rule of not sleeping with her crew. Now they were mostly older grey haired men that had gotten fat and pretty sloppy over their careers on the high seas. But their was one cabin boy who had a sculpted tan body that caught her eye, the only problem was he had a peg leg where his had been bitten off by a shark. Deciding she could get passed the leg, one day she sent for the cabin boy to join her in her quarters. He walked in to find her perfectly curved body naked and glistening on her bed. Immediately aroused the cabin boy was overwhelmed with thoughts of things to come. The captain asked "would you like lay with me?" To which the cabin boy exclaimed "WOULD I!" The captain enraged snapped back, "Well it's not like you're perfect PEG LEG!" And had him thrown overboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44eff0/one_i_heard_in_4th_grade_and_remembered_out_of/
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What do you call a man with no feet and is allergic to milk?

Lack-toes intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ec1k/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_feet_and_is/
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My friend has recently started collecting acting equipment.

Props to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44e9ps/my_friend_has_recently_started_collecting_acting/
%
Man takes his son to the police station

A man takes his son to the police station to get him a job as a cop. He meets the lieutenant and tells him. "Take my son, he's really stupid and I think he fits perfectly here."
"How stupid is he?" says the lieutenant.
"Watch this. Son, go outside and see if father is outside." The son goes outside and comes back in and says "No father, father wasn't outside."
"See? I told you he's stupid."
The lieutenant says "You're right, he could have looked through the window instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44e99z/man_takes_his_son_to_the_police_station/
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How did the prostitute get a job at the zoo?

They heard she could handle a cockatoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44e874/how_did_the_prostitute_get_a_job_at_the_zoo/
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Why did the Feminist cashier get fired?

She couldn't make change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44e83s/why_did_the_feminist_cashier_get_fired/
%
What do you call a mouthwash for tiny scientists?

Microscope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44e3cw/what_do_you_call_a_mouthwash_for_tiny_scientists/
%
EA Games and Ubisoft walk into a bar...

Act now and for just $49.99 you too can experience the intensity and originality of this punchline!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44e27f/ea_games_and_ubisoft_walk_into_a_bar/
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Getting drunk

at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44dy4m/getting_drunk/
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I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel...

...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44dupb/i_just_found_out_my_grandmother_only_has_one_day/
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I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places...

...My doctor told me to stay away from those places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44dt6s/i_told_my_doctor_i_broke_my_arm_in_two_places/
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You know what the first sign of AIDS is, right?

A severe pounding in the ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ds3f/you_know_what_the_first_sign_of_aids_is_right/
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Black Car

I want a black car with a bumper sticker that says "I'm not racist, my car is black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44dda4/black_car/
%
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44dcjf/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
%
What does an epileptic vegetarian eat?

Seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44da69/what_does_an_epileptic_vegetarian_eat/
%
Chinese Proverb: Man who run infront of car get tired...

Man who run behind car get exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44d7vh/chinese_proverb_man_who_run_infront_of_car_get/
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What did the redditor do with the embarrassing naked picture he found of himself?

Throwaway, for obvious reasons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44d7fo/what_did_the_redditor_do_with_the_embarrassing/
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Two scientists are trying to find the best source of energy.

They realise that no one has tried asking the energy sources what *they* think.
So they go to a coal-fired power station, and they ask the coal, "What do you think of coal power?"
The coal says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists write this down.
Then they go to an oil-fired power station. They ask the oil, "What do you think of oil power?"
The oil says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists nod and write it down.
Then they go to a wind farm. They ask a wind turbine, "What do you think of wind power?"
The wind turbine just stands there and says, "I'm a huge fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44d536/two_scientists_are_trying_to_find_the_best_source/
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Why don't black people go on cruise ships?

They're not falling for that one again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44cqyb/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruise_ships/
%
What do you call a magical dwarf?

A midgetcian!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44cmnp/what_do_you_call_a_magical_dwarf/
%
A new study has shown banana skins contain traces of LSD...

I guess that explains why people are always tripping on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ch25/a_new_study_has_shown_banana_skins_contain_traces/
%
Why are steak puns so rare?

Because they are never well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44cgoj/why_are_steak_puns_so_rare/
%
Why don't lesbians cook?

They rather eat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44cedo/why_dont_lesbians_cook/
%
A man wins the lottery..

He rushes home to his wife and says "Honey I just won the lottery, hurry up and pack your bags!" Surprised, the wife says "Oh baby that's wonderful, where are we going?" The husband says "I don't care where you go, just pack your shit and get the fuck out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44cbtr/a_man_wins_the_lottery/
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"The Four Businessmen"

Four businessmen walk onto a train: one from China, one from France, one from Mexico, and one from the United States.
They all sit together in a room with an open window and begin unpacking their lunches.
The Frenchman eats half of his croissant and tosses the remainder of it out the  window. The others ask "Why did you do that?" And the Frenchman says "I have enough of those where I come from."
The Chinaman eats half of an eggroll and tosses the remainder of it out the window. The others ask "Why did you do that?" And the Chinaman replies saying "I have enough of those where I come from."
Then, finally, the American grabs the Mexican businessman and hurls him out through the window. The others watched flabbergasted and asked incredulously "Why did you do THAT!?" The American retorts coolly "I have enough of those where I come from."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44c1zv/the_four_businessmen/
%
I think if Abraham Lincoln were alive today...

He would probably look around, scream, and then desperately claw at the inside of his coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44bx4f/i_think_if_abraham_lincoln_were_alive_today/
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I was walking down the road..

I was walking down the road and saw a beautiful woman, A spark flew off between us. We had passionate, amazing sex.
Amazing what tasers can do these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44brhc/i_was_walking_down_the_road/
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What did cinderella say when she got to the ball? NSFW

*gagging noise*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44bpoi/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
A bank is a place that will lend you money....

if you can prove that you don't need it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44bmzp/a_bank_is_a_place_that_will_lend_you_money/
%
If you spin an Asian person around, what do they become?

Disoriented.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44blos/if_you_spin_an_asian_person_around_what_do_they/
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The man who invented anagrams has sadly passed away

May he erect a penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44bjw8/the_man_who_invented_anagrams_has_sadly_passed/
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Guy: Hey girl, you got the Zika?

Girl: I dunno, why?
Guy: Cause I want a little head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44bejd/guy_hey_girl_you_got_the_zika/
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What's it like being frozen to absolute zero?

It's 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44bcaa/whats_it_like_being_frozen_to_absolute_zero/
%
I was asked to be an Elvis impersonator for a kid's birthday party.

I showed up drunk, shot the TV, then died on the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44bc54/i_was_asked_to_be_an_elvis_impersonator_for_a/
%
how is bungee jumping like having sex?

a life depends on whether or not the rubber breaks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44bb9z/how_is_bungee_jumping_like_having_sex/
%
A Lady walks into a Grocery Store..

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath". The clerk asked "Pasteurised?" She replied "No just up to my chin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44b6op/a_lady_walks_into_a_grocery_store/
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The genie and the russian

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka."
Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44b2ku/the_genie_and_the_russian/
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How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44b0ov/how_was_the_roman_empire_cut_in_half/
%
relationships are like farts

too much force will result in shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ayxm/relationships_are_like_farts/
%
A man walks up to a woman in a bar.

He puts a lime next to her. The woman asks "what this"? The man says "its a lime". The woman says "can you move that lime somewhere else"? The man says "sure".The man tries to move the lime several times but cant seem to lift it. The woman says "is something wrong"? The man says "Sorry, I am bad at pick up limes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ay5i/a_man_walks_up_to_a_woman_in_a_bar/
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When my wife left, I was sad and lonely

So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44avcp/when_my_wife_left_i_was_sad_and_lonely/
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Coworkers

What's the difference between a brown nose and a shit head?
Depth perception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ag1f/coworkers/
%
I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night...

"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.
"Salad tastes nice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44ad41/i_went_up_to_this_fat_bird_in_the_pub_last_night/
%
Two electrons were talking...

The first electron said: "I remember when I transferred to the ground state, good times"
The second electron, knowing the first was making the story up replied: "You've never been down there, there's no need to  Lyman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44abzk/two_electrons_were_talking/
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What do you call a nomadic neanderthal?

A meanderthal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44a480/what_do_you_call_a_nomadic_neanderthal/
%
What's DJ Khaled's favourite number?

11, Because it has another 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44a24b/whats_dj_khaleds_favourite_number/
%
An old woman asks her husband of 60 years..

"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?".
"My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied.
"And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked.
"I think I've done a pretty good job"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/449yz9/an_old_woman_asks_her_husband_of_60_years/
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Ever since I was young I felt like a boy trapped in a woman's body

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/449y1w/ever_since_i_was_young_i_felt_like_a_boy_trapped/
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The Cure

Gus was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day Gus went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to Becky. At home, he found Becky was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. Gus, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, Gus went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
"Well, not as I'd expected. When I fired the pistol, Becky shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/449xmq/the_cure/
%
A little old lady...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the Hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the Feed Store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, rip my panties off and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/449w6k/a_little_old_lady/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/449nmq/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
A police officer sees a kid on the street..

He says, "Its getting late kid, shouldn't you be getting back to the orphanage?"
Kid says, "I guess so, what gave me away?"
"Your parents did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/449h0c/a_police_officer_sees_a_kid_on_the_street/
%
A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being. After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie. He asks "How can I ever repay you?"
The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before; and care like no man has cared before. The man obliges.
He first sets out to find his "calling". Over the years, he works many jobs. He finds himself becoming depressed with the monotony that he has come to know. Finally, he decides to go back to his roots and do what he knows. He becomes a farmer. With the money he has accumulated from his many professions, he buys a large farm where he decides to take in unwanted and ill animals. Goats (obviously), pigs, cows, cats, dogs, and various other animals. He cares for them. He comes to know and understand them. He has a deep connection with them.
One day, a woman brings her dog to the man's farm. She is worried about the dog. She says ever since the dog's sibling died, he hasn't seemed right. The man agrees to take the dog and care for it. He knows the other animals will comfort it and the dog will enjoy his new family. The woman comes to visit the dog regularly. She becomes familiar with all of the other animals on the farm, and most of all, the man. They spend hours together each visit. Talking and taking care of the animals together. Hours turn to days. Days to weeks. The man asks the woman to live with him and his animals. The woman obliges. They are in love. They are truly happy.
The genie comes to the man one night in his dreams. The genie says to the man "You have lived like no other man; you have loved like no other man; and you have cared like no other man. You have done well".
The man wakes up the next morning and he doesn't feel well. He can't explain it, but somethings not right. Weeks go by and the man's condition seems to worsen. His doctors cannot explain his rapidly deteriorating health. The woman is always by his side when she's not caring for his animals. The woman's dog sleeps at the foot of his bed. Never leaving. At last, it seems like he cannot hold on for much longer. He's barely able to speak at this point. He motions for the woman to come near. He says to her "Do you want to know why I fell in love with you all those years ago? Do you want to know why I love you more and more every day?"
She says, "Yes, my love, tell me."
With his final breath, he tells her "Because you make me feel like a kid again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/449gf6/a_goat_gets_his_wish_granted_by_a_genie/
%
Squirrels are like cigarettes.

They are completely harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light them on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/449akr/squirrels_are_like_cigarettes/
%
Did you hear about the man who was into asphyxiation and vegetables?

He liked being artichoked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/449aif/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_was_into/
%
The best thing about abortion is..

The best thing about abortion is that it brings out the kid in you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/449908/the_best_thing_about_abortion_is/
%
Have you heard that rumour about butter?

I probably shouldn't spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4498ms/have_you_heard_that_rumour_about_butter/
%
A thirsty man from Michigan went to California to find something to drink

Because no water is better than Michigan water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4498bt/a_thirsty_man_from_michigan_went_to_california_to/
%
A man stood outside the senate yelling: "The government is stupid!"

He got 10 years in prison for revealing national secrets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44963t/a_man_stood_outside_the_senate_yelling_the/
%
You're just like Brian...

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan.. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/449279/youre_just_like_brian/
%
A mathematician, an architect and a lawyer are at a dog show, arguing over whose dog is the smartest.

So the mathematician throws three dollars on the ground and whistles for his dog. The dog barks 3 times, each time sliding a dollar over with his paw.
The architect whistles his dog over. The dog arranges the dollars in a perfect triangle.
The lawyer whistles his dog over. The dog fucks the other two dogs in the ass, takes the money and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4490z6/a_mathematician_an_architect_and_a_lawyer_are_at/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/448z9q/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
I only date black girls...

Because I hate meeting fathers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/448uic/i_only_date_black_girls/
%
What's a police officers favorite console?

Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/448s3f/whats_a_police_officers_favorite_console/
%
My wife asked me why I always carry a gun with me around the house.

I told her that it was because of those damn Decepticons. She laughed. I laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster. It was a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/448oo0/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_always_carry_a_gun_with_me/
%
What did the scientist say when he found 2 helium atoms?

HeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4486cs/what_did_the_scientist_say_when_he_found_2_helium/
%
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4483y7/i_thought_my_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife_from/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4481zi/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
How many dead hooker's in your basement does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, it's not 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/447z8o/how_many_dead_hookers_in_your_basement_does_it/
%
What does your sex life have in common with a highway bridge?

If you have weight limits you aren't going to see as much traffic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/447z36/what_does_your_sex_life_have_in_common_with_a/
%
How did the sheep get a Nobel Prize?

It was out standing in its field!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/447z0d/how_did_the_sheep_get_a_nobel_prize/
%
I overheard Oedipus swearing like a sailor...

...so I asked him, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/447y2x/i_overheard_oedipus_swearing_like_a_sailor/
%
Why does Iraq have no Walmarts?

Because there's a Target on every corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/447u02/why_does_iraq_have_no_walmarts/
%
What do you call a centaur that works as a prostitute?

A whorse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/447t4v/what_do_you_call_a_centaur_that_works_as_a/
%
TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom.

But not twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/447rqy/til_its_possible_to_jump_without_a_parachute_from/
%
My girlfriend just introduced me to the parents.

As if I've never met my own mum and dad before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/447pr6/my_girlfriend_just_introduced_me_to_the_parents/
%
Friends are like snowflakes...

If you pee on them, they'll dissapear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/447ofl/friends_are_like_snowflakes/
%
A rich Arab student e-mails his dad...

A rich Arab student e-mails his dad and says:
Dear Father,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Rolls Royce Phantom when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Hassan.
A day later his father replies:
Dear Hassan,
Fifty million euros have been transferred to your account, stop embarrassing your family and buy yourself a train too.
Love you, Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/447i3r/a_rich_arab_student_emails_his_dad/
%
You must have been born on a highway

because that's where most accidents happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/447f7y/you_must_have_been_born_on_a_highway/
%
What does a painter do when he gets cold?

Puts on another coat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4477pb/what_does_a_painter_do_when_he_gets_cold/
%
Why did Jesus start doing P90X after he was resurrected?

Crossfit was killing him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4475pt/why_did_jesus_start_doing_p90x_after_he_was/
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Anger Management

(Sorry for the wall of text.  This was and email that a cow worker sent me.)
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!' And hung up.
One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said,
'Yes, I live at  34 Oaktree Blvd. , in  Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked,
'What's your name?'
He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said,
'Yes?'
I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea ....
I called asshole #1.
He said,
'Hello'
I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
I said,
'Yeah!'
He screamed,
'Stop calling me'
I said,
'Make me.'
He asked,
'Who are you?'
I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said,
'Hello?'
I said,
'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are ....'
I said,
'You'll what?'
He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'
I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.
I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW, I feel much better!
I guess that anger management really does work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44736s/anger_management/
%
The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl.

It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/446wk2/the_ukrainian_government_is_opening_up_a_tourist/
%
Someone called me racist for saying "black paint"

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/446wcq/someone_called_me_racist_for_saying_black_paint/
%
When does a gas become a liquid?

When it stains your underwear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/446vpa/when_does_a_gas_become_a_liquid/
%
I was having trouble getting to sleep last night

After about an hour of tossing and turning, my wife rolled over, snuck her hand under the covers, and trailed it playfully down my chest.
"Want meeee to help you get to sleep", She whispered coyly into my ear.
"Yeah", I replied. "Tell me again how your day went".
Couch was comfy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/446nod/i_was_having_trouble_getting_to_sleep_last_night/
%
I've been watching so much porn lately that...

I spit on my hot-dog before I put it on my bun...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4466m5/ive_been_watching_so_much_porn_lately_that/
%
Funny unknown historical fact:

Pharoahs were burried with their hands crossed their chest because it was a historical belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/446441/funny_unknown_historical_fact/
%
A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff

I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4462uf/a_bloke_in_a_wheelchair_stole_my_camouflage_stuff/
%
WalMart is closing down 269 stores in 2016

Due to this, 17 cashiers will lose their jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4461h7/walmart_is_closing_down_269_stores_in_2016/
%
What's similar between The Mafia and a Pussy..?

...I haven't been in either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/445y71/whats_similar_between_the_mafia_and_a_pussy/
%
Atheism

is non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/445wpe/atheism/
%
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't Budget<drops mic>
Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/445w0u/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_accountant/
%
What's the difference between me and my couch?

My couch pulls out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/445vcd/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_my_couch/
%
What kind of sword is good for chopping up young girls?

A cutlass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/445qhg/what_kind_of_sword_is_good_for_chopping_up_young/
%
What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?

Wataaaaah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/445pse/what_is_bruce_lees_favorite_drink/
%
Did you hear they discovered a carnivorous tree in the Amazon?

Don't worry its bark is worse than its bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/445n4v/did_you_hear_they_discovered_a_carnivorous_tree/
%
I watched a documentary about the victims of anorexia.

Maybe I would have taken them more seriously if the camera didn't add 10 pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/445l6c/i_watched_a_documentary_about_the_victims_of/
%
Why do gardeners make horrible cops?

Because they keep planting evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/445gdh/why_do_gardeners_make_horrible_cops/
%
What's in the toilet of the Star Ship enterprise?

The captains log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/445cei/whats_in_the_toilet_of_the_star_ship_enterprise/
%
Matt LeBlanc was just announced as the newest presenter on BBC's Top Gear

It may be a challenge for him, on his last show it's like he was always stuck in second gear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4455s9/matt_leblanc_was_just_announced_as_the_newest/
%
So I was at this little pub in Great Britain.....

I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby.
I approached the girls and asked "Are you two ladies from Scotland"?, to which the heftier one replied "It's Wales you idiot"!
Taken a bit aback by this, I replied "Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4451gu/so_i_was_at_this_little_pub_in_great_britain/
%
A guy gets pulled over for speeding

The cops walks up to the guy's car window and says "Son, I've been here just a waitin' for you all day."
The guy replies "Well, I got here as fast as I could".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/444zmu/a_guy_gets_pulled_over_for_speeding/
%
What do you call a 20 year old spaceship that whines all the time and never wants to run properly?

The Millenial Falcon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/444x4z/what_do_you_call_a_20_year_old_spaceship_that/
%
My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/444wy4/my_boss_told_me_to_have_a_good_day/
%
Single people think marriage is just a word ...

Once you are married you realize it's a sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/444r4n/single_people_think_marriage_is_just_a_word/
%
Why doesn't Hitler play table tennis?

Because he's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/444quh/why_doesnt_hitler_play_table_tennis/
%
Pick-up lines

I sat next to a hot woman at a bar and said to her, "I'd like to tell you a story about my penis but it is too long."
She said, "I'd like to tell you a joke about my vagina but you won't get it.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/444p3z/pickup_lines/
%
This girl reckons she met me at the vegetarian club

But I've never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/444n8j/this_girl_reckons_she_met_me_at_the_vegetarian/
%
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex...

Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/444db4/if_i_was_addicted_to_masturbation_and_then_became/
%
I lost my virginity to my teacher yesterday.

Unfortunately, I'm home-schooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/444d9d/i_lost_my_virginity_to_my_teacher_yesterday/
%
What's the difference between YouTube and Redtube?

My YouTube experience lasts longer than 10 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4444jq/whats_the_difference_between_youtube_and_redtube/
%
What does Facebook and a conversation between two teenagers have in common?

A lot of likes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4440gr/what_does_facebook_and_a_conversation_between_two/
%
My stepmom fell into a wishing well

I was amazed- I never thought they worked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/443yhk/my_stepmom_fell_into_a_wishing_well/
%
My 8 year old brother just asked me if I had a hole in my sock.

Me: Of course not
Him: Then how do you put your foot inside?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/443s6s/my_8_year_old_brother_just_asked_me_if_i_had_a/
%
How is air like sex?

It's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/443mis/how_is_air_like_sex/
%
How does the enthusiastic man eat his hot dog?

With relish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/443jlc/how_does_the_enthusiastic_man_eat_his_hot_dog/
%
What do you call a good for nothing vegetable

A deadbeet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/443hvo/what_do_you_call_a_good_for_nothing_vegetable/
%
The teacher asked Jimmy

"Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/443g1b/the_teacher_asked_jimmy/
%
My neighbors are listening to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/443cup/my_neighbors_are_listening_to_great_music/
%
I hate when I'm about to hug someone really good looking

And then I hit the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4437l2/i_hate_when_im_about_to_hug_someone_really_good/
%
For my birthday my friends got me a sweater.

I would have preferred a screamer or moaner, but a sweater was fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4437k4/for_my_birthday_my_friends_got_me_a_sweater/
%
What do you call an election in Syria?

A civil war

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44345f/what_do_you_call_an_election_in_syria/
%
My girlfriend's dad accused me of being a pedophile just because she's 18 and I'm 32.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4431tc/my_girlfriends_dad_accused_me_of_being_a/
%
If you take an Asian man and spin him around 3 times...

Does he become disoriented?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4431ry/if_you_take_an_asian_man_and_spin_him_around_3/
%
Met a redneck magician last night..

Told me he could turn a 12 pack into a case of domestic violence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/442zbk/met_a_redneck_magician_last_night/
%
I've created a new type of bubble but I don't know how to describe it.

It's indescribubble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/442xic/ive_created_a_new_type_of_bubble_but_i_dont_know/
%
Poor guy

Husband: My wife  is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come  home...
Sergeant  at Police Station:
What is  her height?
Husband:
Gee,   I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't  know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Color  of eyes?
Husband:
Sort  of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Color  of hair?
Husband:
Changes  a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I  can’t
remember.
Sergeant:
What  was she wearing?
Husband:
Could  have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't  know
exactly.
Sergeant:
What  kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She  went in my truck.
Sergeant:
What  kind of truck was it?
Husband:
A  2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine  special
ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled  air
conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the  bed, which
has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather  6-way seats and
"Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with  gold hitch and special
wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS  navigation, satellite radio receiver,
23-channel CB radio, six  cup holders, a USB port, and four power
outlets. I added  special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has
custom  running boards and indirect wheel well  lighting.
At this point the husband started choking  up. . .
Sergeant:
Don't  worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/442x26/poor_guy/
%
The best pick up advice I've ever been told is..

..always bend your knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/442u3p/the_best_pick_up_advice_ive_ever_been_told_is/
%
2 Finns go ice fishing

One gets there first and sets up, starts to fish.
The second arrives some time later and says to the first, "Hi Arno, any luck today?"
An hour goes by and Arno replies, "Jeez Osco, why so goddamn chatty all of a sudden?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/442ork/2_finns_go_ice_fishing/
%
My roommates get angry when I steal their kitchen utensils

But frankly, thats a whisk I'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/442m95/my_roommates_get_angry_when_i_steal_their_kitchen/
%
What's on the inside of a clean nose?

Fingerprints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/442is4/whats_on_the_inside_of_a_clean_nose/
%
Are you a beaver?

...'cuz damn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/442ih1/are_you_a_beaver/
%
Why is the fungus such a hypocrite?

because it doesn't have mushroom to talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/442bwh/why_is_the_fungus_such_a_hypocrite/
%
What kind of ice cream runs for president?

neapolititian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4424mx/what_kind_of_ice_cream_runs_for_president/
%
A girl called me yesterday and said "Come over there's no one home."

I went over. Nobody was home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44240a/a_girl_called_me_yesterday_and_said_come_over/
%
I have conversational ninja skills...

People don't notice when I'm talking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4421ru/i_have_conversational_ninja_skills/
%
Why don't dead people sneeze?

Because they're too busy coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44202x/why_dont_dead_people_sneeze/
%
A priest and a rabbi see a 9-year-old boy walk by

The priest says "Should we fuck him?"
"Out of what?" the Rabbi replies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441zvz/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_see_a_9yearold_boy_walk_by/
%
THE OLDEST "YOUR MOM" JOKE

***From Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew."***
CHIRON:
Thou hast undone our mother.
AARON:
Villain, I have done thy mother.
***an explosion soundeth! Chiron hast been cooked on a spit!***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441z6u/the_oldest_your_mom_joke/
%
I've just hired a hot 19 year-old Swedish girl with massive tits to babysit my kids. Now...

Where the fuck do I get some kids from?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441z3b/ive_just_hired_a_hot_19_yearold_swedish_girl_with/
%
What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441ycg/what_does_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumps_his/
%
Man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and tells him he would like to have 7 beers lined up right in front of him. As the bartender is drawing his beers, he asks him, "So, it seems you might be celebrating something. What might it be, if you don't mind me asking?" Man tells him that he is celebrating his very first blow job. The bartender tells him "That's great, congratulations!" The man tells him "You don't understand, I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441w1r/man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A guy is out to dinner with his wife...

Wife: See that drunk guy at the bar?
Guy: Yeah, what about him?
Wife: He proposed to me 10 years ago, but I turned him down.
Guy: Wow! He's STILL celebrating!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441uah/a_guy_is_out_to_dinner_with_his_wife/
%
NSFW: Drunk driving Jethro hits two black pedestrians. Jethro asks Buford the Sheriff why he's cuffing the two dying black men...

... Buford says,  "I'm arresting this one in your windshield for breaking and entering,  and the other one laying in the corn field for leaving the scene of an accident"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441ter/nsfw_drunk_driving_jethro_hits_two_black/
%
A man and a woman find themselves sharing a sleeping car on a train.

In the middle of the night, the woman wakes the man up and says "Hey! Will you go get me another blanket? I'm freezing!"
The man smiles and says, "I have a better idea. Why don't you and I, just for tonight, pretend we're married?"
The woman thinks about it, and with a devlish grin, she agrees.
The man then says, "Get your own damn blanket! I'm trying to sleep"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441qly/a_man_and_a_woman_find_themselves_sharing_a/
%
A man is being interviewed for a government job...

The man interviewing asks, "have you ever been in any wars?"
The man applying says, "yes I was in Iraq"
The other then asks, "were you injured in any way?"
He replies, " yeah I was actually near the site of an explosion and the shrapnel hit me in the groin, I lost both my testicles."
The man interviewing says, " oh wow thats really awful! Do you have any allergies we should know about?"
The man applying says, "why yes actually I'm allergic to caffeine."
"Well", the man interviewing said, "we like to hire you! Our normal business hours are 8-4 but you can come work 10-4."
"If you don't mind me asking,why 10-4 instead of 8-4 like the others" says the man applying.
"Well," the man interviewing replies, " we usually drink coffeee and scratcch our balls the First2 hours of the day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441lbm/a_man_is_being_interviewed_for_a_government_job/
%
Guys, I think Trump's immigration policies just might work

China built a wall and they have like, no Mexicans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441ji1/guys_i_think_trumps_immigration_policies_just/
%
Clinton, Sanders, Trump and Cruz are having lunch together...

and they're discussing why each thinks they'll win.
"I have the support of women and minorities" says Clinton. "I have the support of intellectuals" says Sanders "I have the support of the average american tired of politics as usual" says Trump.
Cruz just smiles..."I have the support of the people in charge of programming the electronic voting machines"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441ihn/clinton_sanders_trump_and_cruz_are_having_lunch/
%
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441hx1/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_a_dead/
%
The finebros confiscated my Epi-Pen

I was having an allergic reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441hvt/the_finebros_confiscated_my_epipen/
%
Yo' mamma is so dumb....

... She put a ruler on the side of her bed to see how long she slept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441hkm/yo_mamma_is_so_dumb/
%
You know the old saying: If it ain't Baroque...

...then it was probably written by more experimental composers after ~1760.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441dox/you_know_the_old_saying_if_it_aint_baroque/
%
What do a pregnant teenager, frozen beer, and a burned pizza have in common?

Some idiot forgot to pull it out in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/441d8e/what_do_a_pregnant_teenager_frozen_beer_and_a/
%
The Difference Between Starkiller Base and The Death Star

Starkiller base doesn't have a reactor core because it is a copyright of the fine bros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4415ro/the_difference_between_starkiller_base_and_the/
%
Grandpa's joke last night.

Two heavy set women are talking by the bar.
The bartender says "You ladies have a lovely accent. Are you from Scotland?" One of them women goes "No, Wales."
The bartender replied "Are you whales from Scotland?"
Then grandpa precedes to explain the joke about them being whales. We were in my younger brothers school for a basketball game and everyone was in earshot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4413it/grandpas_joke_last_night/
%
A man sees an attractive girl sitting alone

At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive girl sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the girl says, and she pops her eye back in place.
"I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy a drink to make it up to you. May I join you?"
He agrees.
The girls is good at keeping conversation, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.
He asks her phone number and then he compliments her:
"You are the most charming girl I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No", she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4412ub/a_man_sees_an_attractive_girl_sitting_alone/
%
I have a photographic memory

But I ran out of film a long time ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4412cz/i_have_a_photographic_memory/
%
Why are most male politicians gay?

They can only mandate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/440z7e/why_are_most_male_politicians_gay/
%
My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first  pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs. She smiled as she said, "He mated 50 times last year."
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated **150** times last year"
My  wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW That's more than twice  a week!... You could learn a lot from him."
We walked to a third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital  letters, **"THIS  BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST  YEAR"**
My  wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, "That's once a day!... You could REALLY learn something  from this one.'
I looked at her and said,  "Why don't you go ask him if it was with the same old  cow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/440w24/my_wife_and_i_went_to_the_rodeo_and_one_of_the/
%
My friend told me he hasn't pooped in over a month, but I'm not sure I believe him...

...either way he's full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/440ozc/my_friend_told_me_he_hasnt_pooped_in_over_a_month/
%
Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa?

I thought he didn't care about the 1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/440nu1/why_is_bernie_sanders_challenging_his_49_vs_50/
%
TIL Doctors can screen for STDs by placing a feather along the skin between the penis and the butthole.

Doctors don't use this screening method, however, because the test tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/440kzp/til_doctors_can_screen_for_stds_by_placing_a/
%
What is America worth?

Nothing, it's a free country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/440jor/what_is_america_worth/
%
Argon walks into a bar

The bartender looks up and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
Argon doesn't react because reacting has been copyrighted by The Fine Bros since 2016.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/440jle/argon_walks_into_a_bar/
%
The first known case of the Zika virus in the United States has been found in Texas and was transmitted via sexual contact.

Officials believe the case will end how it began: With someone getting a little head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4407u1/the_first_known_case_of_the_zika_virus_in_the/
%
What's the difference between a camel and a Russian?

A camel can walk for 30 days without drinking but a Russian can drink for 30 days without walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4406w0/whats_the_difference_between_a_camel_and_a_russian/
%
I like my women like I like my tea.

In a bag, underwater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4406l4/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_tea/
%
What did Dr.Dre say to Lil Wayne?

Nothing, you idiots! Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in Eminem's basement!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4405m5/what_did_drdre_say_to_lil_wayne/
%
What sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4404mr/what_sexual_position_produces_the_ugliest_children/
%
What's the difference between an American and a Briton?

Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4404ma/whats_the_difference_between_an_american_and_a/
%
Why did Michael Jackson call Boys 2 Men?

He thought they were a delivery service

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4403ey/why_did_michael_jackson_call_boys_2_men/
%
My girlfriend refused to make a porno with me..

saying there are enough vine stars already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/440394/my_girlfriend_refused_to_make_a_porno_with_me/
%
Is it ok to have sex with a third cousin?

I didn't seem to have any problems with the first two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ztn7/is_it_ok_to_have_sex_with_a_third_cousin/
%
I'm about to have sex with my second cousin.

Hopefully she's as good as the first one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43zrre/im_about_to_have_sex_with_my_second_cousin/
%
What happens when batman takes viagra?

The dark knight rises

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43zq0k/what_happens_when_batman_takes_viagra/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Dont be silly, feminists cant change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43zoqx/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Saudi Arabia is banning chess, calling it Haram. Reasons are :

1. Queen doesn't wear burkha.
2. Queen roams freely wherever it wants .
3. Queen is more powerful than King
4. Queen alone goes to other army's side
5. And....  Most importantly there's only one queen..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43zoar/saudi_arabia_is_banning_chess_calling_it_haram/
%
What do you call batman when he skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43zkg0/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_skips_church/
%
What does the Redditor do every morning?

Hit the snoos button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43zhbh/what_does_the_redditor_do_every_morning/
%
Statistical inference joke - why are two medians in a single data set funny?

Because it's a co-median ^_^

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43zdol/statistical_inference_joke_why_are_two_medians_in/
%
A woman is like a bucket of KFC...

Once you're past the tender breasts and the juicy thighs all you have left is a greasy wet box to put your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43zdac/a_woman_is_like_a_bucket_of_kfc/
%
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle...

they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.
At the ConnorPass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ‘Dis looks like a grand place…’
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘Fook dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too fook’n dangerous for me!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43zc55/two_irishmen_walk_into_a_pet_shop_in_dingle/
%
How come ants don't go to the church?

They are in sects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43z8yn/how_come_ants_dont_go_to_the_church/
%
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.....

..... I'll show him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43z7ux/my_therapist_says_i_have_a_preoccupation_with/
%
How do farmers count their cows?

With a Cowculator!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43z50g/how_do_farmers_count_their_cows/
%
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ywow/did_you_hear_about_the_buddhist_who_refused/
%
Well my friend was raped by a troupe of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43yv1i/well_my_friend_was_raped_by_a_troupe_of_mime/
%
What's long and white?

The line to Starbucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43yods/whats_long_and_white/
%
My wife's a terrible cook, she can never get her sauces right!

But I've stuck with her, through thick and thin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43yndu/my_wifes_a_terrible_cook_she_can_never_get_her/
%
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday.

He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it`s done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43yg6n/a_man_decided_to_have_a_face_lift_for_his_birthday/
%
A moth flies into a Paediatrician's office...

Upon entering, he takes a seat and begins talking.
Moth: Doc, my life is coming apart. The wife has become very distant and my kids are giving me no notice. I'm starting to get really depressed all the time. I've been taking medication but it isn't helping.
The Paediatrician is confused but allows the moth to continue with his story.
When he is finished the Paediatrician is still confused and asks: This is obviously quite a problem, however, I believe a psychologist or psychiatrist would be better suited to help you. May I ask why you came to me?
Moth: Well, the light was on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43yd6v/a_moth_flies_into_a_paediatricians_office/
%
What did we have before the mouse icon of today?

The precursor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ybug/what_did_we_have_before_the_mouse_icon_of_today/
%
What did Donald Trump said to Obama's supporter?

Orange Is The New Black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43y98s/what_did_donald_trump_said_to_obamas_supporter/
%
Caught my Vegan roommate...

Caught my Vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43y96h/caught_my_vegan_roommate/
%
Grapes are so predictable at poker

Eventually, they all end up raisin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43y91r/grapes_are_so_predictable_at_poker/
%
How did the mathematician solve his constipation problems?

The same way he solved all other problems: He worked it out with a pencil and paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43y5pw/how_did_the_mathematician_solve_his_constipation/
%
To what branch of the military to babies belong?

The infantry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43xxo4/to_what_branch_of_the_military_to_babies_belong/
%
A man goes to his local church to confess...

Man: Father, I have sinned.
Priest: And how how have you sinned?
Man: I have stolen someone's bike, and am now here to give it to you.
Priest: No, no - don't give it to me; return it to the person you have stolen it from and you shall be forgiven.
Man: I did that, but he said he didn't want it.
Priest: In that case, you may keep the bike for yourself.
The man leaves, and after the day is over, the priest comes out of the church to find his bike missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43xx4e/a_man_goes_to_his_local_church_to_confess/
%
So a fly is hovering 6 inches above a stream...

So a fly is hovering 6 inches above a stream, and a fish swimming below thinks to itself, "If the fly drops 6 inches i can swim up and eat it,".Then the nearby bear thinks to itself, "If the fly drops 6 inches, then the fish will go for the fly and i can eat the fish,". Then the hunter in his boat thinks to himself, " If the fly drops 6 inches, the fish will go for the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and i can get a good shot at the bear,". Then the nearby mouse thinks to itself, "If the fly drops 6 inches the fish will go for the fly, the bear will go for the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and while he's distracted i can eat his crackers,". Then the hunters cat thinks to itself, "If the fly drops 6 inches, the fish will go for the fly, the bear will go for the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will eat the cracker, and i can pounce on the mouse. Finally lo and behold, the fly dropped 6 inches, so the fish ate the fly, so the bear ate the fish, so the hunter shot the bear, and the mouse at his crackers, but when the cat pounced on the mouse it missed and landed in the water.
The morale: When a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet
___________________________________________________
so much buildup for a mediocre joke....I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43xtw9/so_a_fly_is_hovering_6_inches_above_a_stream/
%
Why was the tired criminal delighted when he was caught by the police?

Because he needed *arrest*!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43xtuv/why_was_the_tired_criminal_delighted_when_he_was/
%
So I'm drinking in a bar...

... And the waitress yells 'help! Does anyone know CPR?!'
So I say 'Hell I know the whole alphabet!'
So everyone laughs.
Except this one guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43xp78/so_im_drinking_in_a_bar/
%
A boy and his mother were at the zoo...

A boy and his mother were at the zoo and found themselves at the elephant exhibit. The boy says, "Mommy, Mommy, what's that thing hanging down?"
Mother: That's his trunk
Boy: No, no, behind the trunk
Mother: That's his tail
Boy: I mean between the trunk and the tail.
The mother, flustered, says, "Oh, that's nothing."
Some time goes by and the boy returns to the zoo with his father. When they reach the elephant exhibit the boy says, "Daddy, Daddy, what's that thing hanging down."
Father: That's his trunk
Boy: No, behind the trunk!
Father: You mean his tail?
Boy: Between the trunk and the tail.
The father looks at his son and says, "That's his penis." The boy becomes confused and says, "Last time Mommy told me it was nothing."
The father replies, "Well, son, your mother's been spoiled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43xnwi/a_boy_and_his_mother_were_at_the_zoo/
%
Two prostitutes are standing on the corner.

One asked the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before?"  The prostitute replies, "No, but I've been swung by my tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43xi75/two_prostitutes_are_standing_on_the_corner/
%
Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye...

use chemicals to remove Polish and you're literally Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43xep1/use_chemicals_to_remove_polish_and_no_one_bats_an/
%
9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43x82y/9_out_of_10_doctors_reccommend_for_children_to/
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I got jury duty next week

My duty is to convince the jury that I didn't do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43x78z/i_got_jury_duty_next_week/
%
There's a chef that doesn't bother putting gloves on before prepping his food

Now he's got a lot more thyme on his hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43wzng/theres_a_chef_that_doesnt_bother_putting_gloves/
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What is a DJ's favorite page on all of reddit?

/r/wiki/wiki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43wye1/what_is_a_djs_favorite_page_on_all_of_reddit/
%
Mom writes to her son in Poland's army: "Dear Son, I am writing this letter ever so slowly.....

....because I know you cannot read fast"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43wvwv/mom_writes_to_her_son_in_polands_army_dear_son_i/
%
To quote my late father...

"Traffic is heavier than I expected."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43wveu/to_quote_my_late_father/
%
What kind of shoes does bread wear?

Loafers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43wumz/what_kind_of_shoes_does_bread_wear/
%
An old joke I really love

Why couldn't Jim play football?
He had no arms.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Not Jim.
😒

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43wqgh/an_old_joke_i_really_love/
%
An 80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40 mins they shagged like Bast*rds. Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor.

Christ she said “you didnt F*ck Me like that 50yrs ago! To which the old man replied “50 yrs ago that fence Wasnt F*cking electric!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43wpwf/an_80yr_old_couple_were_seen_shagging_furiously/
%
When I'm feeling down.

I just remind myself that I've won just as many Oscars as Leonardo Dicaprio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43wof5/when_im_feeling_down/
%
Why did we use guns in world war 2 against the Germans?

We could've used Frebreze, it kills 99.99% of germs anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43wjb5/why_did_we_use_guns_in_world_war_2_against_the/
%
My wife asked me "will you marry someone else if I die?". " Of course not ", I said.

"I'm not doing the same mistake twice"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43w9sr/my_wife_asked_me_will_you_marry_someone_else_if_i/
%
Sunbathing on the beach, the wife came up to me asked what I thought of her flip flops?

Bloody horrible I said "Put your bikini top back on"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43w4l4/sunbathing_on_the_beach_the_wife_came_up_to_me/
%
A tree falls in the forest and kills a baby, whos fault is it?

The lumberjack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43w1b6/a_tree_falls_in_the_forest_and_kills_a_baby_whos/
%
Went to the store today

I went to the store today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43vwgr/went_to_the_store_today/
%
Two fish swim into a concrete wall...

The one fish turns to the other and says,
"Dam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43vsn1/two_fish_swim_into_a_concrete_wall/
%
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?

Otherwise it would have been called a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43voo8/did_you_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43vlh8/my_favorite_animal/
%
Minnesota chemical fire

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43vhbu/minnesota_chemical_fire/
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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43vd2v/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
%
My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43v4w1/my_lesbian_neighbours_asked_me_what_i_wanted_for/
%
How do you get a blonde on a roof?

Tell her drinks are on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43v320/how_do_you_get_a_blonde_on_a_roof/
%
I was just at a lecture about how to fasten metal together.

Riveting stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43v21f/i_was_just_at_a_lecture_about_how_to_fasten_metal/
%
What do male prostitutes and Inspector Clouseau have in common?

They're both Peter Sellers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43v1si/what_do_male_prostitutes_and_inspector_clouseau/
%
How do trees encourage one another?

They say "I'm rooting for you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43uwos/how_do_trees_encourage_one_another/
%
Why do girls suck at playing hockey as goalie?

Because there are 3 periods and only 2 pads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43uvwa/why_do_girls_suck_at_playing_hockey_as_goalie/
%
Viagra, it won't make you James Bond...

But it will make you Roger Moore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43uqd1/viagra_it_wont_make_you_james_bond/
%
Farmer's wife

A farmer and his wife were enjoying an evening sitting on the porch.
The farmer leans over and grabs the wife's tit and says. "You know, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."
The wife leans over and grabs the farmer's crotch and says,"You know, if this could get hard, we could get rid of your brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43upy7/farmers_wife/
%
As a politician...

You need to shake hands & kiss babies...
...and take good care not to confuse the two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ukpt/as_a_politician/
%
I remember the last thing my granddad said before he kicked the bucket.

I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43uivj/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_granddad_said_before/
%
If your mom could communicate with the dead

she would be an extra large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43uc60/if_your_mom_could_communicate_with_the_dead/
%
Chinese Food is amazing

but I do find it hard to believe that a chicken fried this rice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43uc4g/chinese_food_is_amazing/
%
Why did the adobe acrobat document go to jail?

Because it was a pdf file.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43u51r/why_did_the_adobe_acrobat_document_go_to_jail/
%
I'm 100% straight

So straight I don't even like touching my own dick to masturbate.
My friend Dave does it for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43u46r/im_100_straight/
%
The Kennedys

Everyone says Teddy Kennedy was the big alcoholic of the family. But when you think about it, it was John who was taking shots in the middle of his own parade!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43u33d/the_kennedys/
%
My proctologist has PTSD

He has seen some shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43u2z8/my_proctologist_has_ptsd/
%
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery.

And **his wife** was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ttml/a_lawyer_was_just_waking_up_from_anesthesia_after/
%
TIFU by getting on the wrong submarine

Oops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43tnd1/tifu_by_getting_on_the_wrong_submarine/
%
My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43tmyd/my_dentist_reminded_me_of_my_wifes_sensitive_gag/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep

, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43tmkv/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep/
%
After eating four cans of alphabet soup

I had a huge vowel movement.
Ba-dum
tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43td2k/after_eating_four_cans_of_alphabet_soup/
%
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees.
Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fu*king!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43taj5/a_boss_said_to_his_secretary_i_want_to_have_sex/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?

Because of the silent P.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43t7f5/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_urinate/
%
What is Donald Trumps favorite album?

The Wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43sxcu/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_album/
%
What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing indians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43swld/whats_the_difference_between_john_wayne_and_jack/
%
Why did Mozart kill his chicken?

Because when he asked the chicken "Who's the best composer" the chicken said "Bach, Bach, Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43suna/why_did_mozart_kill_his_chicken/
%
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?

You follow the fresh prints.
;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43suk9/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_a_snowstorm/
%
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a feminist to fish and she will...

accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43sse9/teach_a_man_to_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a/
%
I had to unplug my mom's life support today.

She always told me to finish my vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43smf6/i_had_to_unplug_my_moms_life_support_today/
%
There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved

, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn't at her feet. She found him in his bed ''sleeping''. She called his name, but he didn't get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn't wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ''Your dog is dead''. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.
The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ''Your dog is dead''.
She was like ''Ok, how much do I owe you?''
The doctor said ''$300''
She said, ''What!?!? How could it cost that much??''
He said ''$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43sius/there_was_a_lady_who_had_a_dog_that_she_loved/
%
What's the difference between a necrophiliac and someone with a granny fetish?

A couple of weeks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43scip/whats_the_difference_between_a_necrophiliac_and/
%
What do you call it when somebody kills a perfect circle of religious leaders?

A 360 No-Pope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43s91p/what_do_you_call_it_when_somebody_kills_a_perfect/
%
A woman asked me "What is your opinion on women making 75% of a man's wages for the same job?"

I said "Congratulations!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43s1tp/a_woman_asked_me_what_is_your_opinion_on_women/
%
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43s1cz/what_has_four_legs_is_big_green_fuzzy_and_if_it/
%
As a Christian, I can't vote for Trump...

His hair is mixed fabrics...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43rxdx/as_a_christian_i_cant_vote_for_trump/
%
A nun was about to take a Bath

A nun was about to take a bath. She undressed and just as she dipped her holy toe in the water she hears a faint knock on the front door. "Who is it?" she calls. "It's the blind man from down the road!"  Shuffling around, unable to find her towel, the nun races to the door and decides it would be okay to open the door. As she opens the door she is greeted with a bright smile. "Good morning sister. Lovely pair of tits you have. Now where do you want these blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43rvpp/a_nun_was_about_to_take_a_bath/
%
What holds clouds together?

Bolts of lightning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43rocn/what_holds_clouds_together/
%
A nerdy white guy is about to spend his first night in prison...

... After lights out, Big Black Mamma Jack jumps off of the top bunk and says: "We gunna have sex. You wanna be the mommy or the daddy?"  The nerdy white guy thinking he's smart says: "I guess I'll be the daddy."  Big Black Mamma Jack says: "Good! Now get over here and suck your mamma's dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43rl97/a_nerdy_white_guy_is_about_to_spend_his_first/
%
My prison cell-mate just asked me if I was tight.

Why does he care about how I spend my money?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ri9h/my_prison_cellmate_just_asked_me_if_i_was_tight/
%
A skeleton went to the doctor...

A skeleton went to the doctor one day and said
"doctor, I don't think I'm feeling very well. I've lost a lot of weight, everything I eat goes right through me and to top it off I've misplaced my arms."
The doctor looks the skeleton up and down and says
"This joke will never work, you haven't a funny bone in your body"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43resa/a_skeleton_went_to_the_doctor/
%
Smoking Dope or Doing Time

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked
the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor," he replied, "I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and
told them the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach," he answered. "I drew a large and a small circle. Pointing to the small circle, I said, this is your asshole before you go to prison..........."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43rdsa/smoking_dope_or_doing_time/
%
An American, a Brit, and a Japanese guy are stranded on a desert Island...

...the American says, "We're great at running the world, so I'll be President of the island." The Brit says, "We do whatever you blokes say, so I'll be Vice President." The American starts drawing out plans to build shelter and explaining them to the Brit. The Japanese guy asks, "Wait, what about me?" "Umm, you can be in charge of supplies."
So the Japanese guy goes off into the jungle and the American and Brit commence building. By the time they finish, the Japanese guy still isn't back. The other two start to get worried, so they decide to go in after them. When they're a good way into the jungle, the Japanese guy jumps out from behind a bush and yells "SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43r79h/an_american_a_brit_and_a_japanese_guy_are/
%
A Jewish congregation...

in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."
The girl gets up and starts to get dressed.
The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43r59r/a_jewish_congregation/
%
A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes that at least one of them would be selected as the winning entry

No pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43r4dc/a_man_sends_10_puns_to_a_pun_contest_in_hopes/
%
And the genius told me

"Do you want a big dick or a good memory ?"
Ho ! What did I choose ?
I don't remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43r4bd/and_the_genius_told_me/
%
My daughter's boyfriend came round.

"Don't even think about having sex with her," I told him, while she was in the toilet.
"OK, sir. I understand," he panicked.
"Good," I replied, "I wouldn't want you to be as disappointed as I was."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43r47p/my_daughters_boyfriend_came_round/
%
Fred: "I can't believe Ben is in

the hospital. Just yesterday, I saw him with a gorgeous blonde."
Bob: "So did his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43r2zj/fred_i_cant_believe_ben_is_in/
%
Why doesn't Jesus play hockey anymore?

He kept on getting nailed into the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43qwxv/why_doesnt_jesus_play_hockey_anymore/
%
How does Michael Jackson Beat It?

With the Jackson Five

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43qvkv/how_does_michael_jackson_beat_it/
%
I told her I had lightning quick reflexes...

Sounds better than premature ejaculator...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43qnyl/i_told_her_i_had_lightning_quick_reflexes/
%
That's actually rude..

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said: "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother: "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43qkyv/thats_actually_rude/
%
"What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?"

"Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43qil0/whats_the_difference_between_oral_sex_and_anal_sex/
%
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,

you'd better have a good hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43qhk5/having_sex_is_like_playing_bridge_if_you_dont/
%
Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.

Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43q8d0/just_been_chatting_to_my_neighbours_teenage/
%
My wife says she's leaving me because of my addiction to antidepressants.

Won't be needing them anymore then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43q62c/my_wife_says_shes_leaving_me_because_of_my/
%
What is a misogynist?

A misogynist is anyone winning an argument with a feminist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43q2lb/what_is_a_misogynist/
%
I don't understand how Elvis got so fat

He ate nothing but a hound dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43py7n/i_dont_understand_how_elvis_got_so_fat/
%
A man is following the Oregon Trail. He meets a man named Terry...

"Terry? What a stupid name!"
Terry killed him.
He died from dissin' Terry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43pqb5/a_man_is_following_the_oregon_trail_he_meets_a/
%
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So people don't confuse them with feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43pf7k/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
%
I got arrested...

I got arrested for punching a guy at a new years party, when you hear an Arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43pclz/i_got_arrested/
%
Why can't British people go to North Korea?

Nobody at the ticket counter knows what "north career" means

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43pcl7/why_cant_british_people_go_to_north_korea/
%
I recently learned that anecdotal evidence is not scientifically valid

A few friends told me how badly it went for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43pcl0/i_recently_learned_that_anecdotal_evidence_is_not/
%
When I was younger I used to think I was a God.

Most parents give their kids food, mine gave me burnt offerings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43p9mb/when_i_was_younger_i_used_to_think_i_was_a_god/
%
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43p6wk/whats_the_difference_between_a_rottweiler_and_a/
%
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and only got a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43p5k2/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
%
My car and I have one thing in common...

...we're both broke as hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43p4ek/my_car_and_i_have_one_thing_in_common/
%
Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome

. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially if you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite!"
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43p3ts/two_beggars_are_sitting_side_by_side_on_the/
%
Why don't black people go on cruises?

They aren't falling for that again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43p1yj/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
%
Why does an Ethiopian baby cry?

He's having a midlife crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43p1tf/why_does_an_ethiopian_baby_cry/
%
Have you ever smelled mothballs?

How did you get their tiny legs apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43osyk/have_you_ever_smelled_mothballs/
%
The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43oo7t/the_bagpiper/
%
What are the Fine Brothers favorite elements?

The noble gases because they don't react

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43onk1/what_are_the_fine_brothers_favorite_elements/
%
A local radio station

was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan... spelt, G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan f$&k yourself!"
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43of05/a_local_radio_station/
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?

Russell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43od7o/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
Fine Bros can't sue metal beams,

Because they don't react to jet fuel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43o52v/fine_bros_cant_sue_metal_beams/
%
I think I'm non-committal

I mean I'm pretty sure, but, you know, who knows, really?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43o2j2/i_think_im_noncommittal/
%
My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.

It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43o16p/my_girlfriend_threw_a_bottle_of_omega_3_capsules/
%
Should I have a baby after 25?

No, 25 is enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43nyfk/should_i_have_a_baby_after_25/
%
I had a short prison sentence.

^that was it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43noyw/i_had_a_short_prison_sentence/
%
Did you know Hellen Keller had a treehouse?

Neither did Hellen Keller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43nna9/did_you_know_hellen_keller_had_a_treehouse/
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The Old Guy and the Skinny Dippers

An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road, and he’d fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he’d planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn’t been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re naked and we’re not coming out until you leave!” The old man frowned and yelled back, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m just here to feed the alligator.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43nmbf/the_old_guy_and_the_skinny_dippers/
%
How does a butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43nlhi/how_does_a_butcher_introduce_his_wife/
%
What's the cheapest type of meat?

Deer balls, because they're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43nfrp/whats_the_cheapest_type_of_meat/
%
What do you tell a woman with no arms or legs?

Nice tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43nedr/what_do_you_tell_a_woman_with_no_arms_or_legs/
%
Doctor has a point.

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted
a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car
when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged,
and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing
basically the same work?
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.
"Try doing it with the engine running."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ndvz/doctor_has_a_point/
%
What's an asexual person's favorite thing to do in the bedroom?

Fuckin' nothin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43n1vv/whats_an_asexual_persons_favorite_thing_to_do_in/
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I'm really scared that the Fine Bros are going to sue me

because I just had an allergic reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43n12a/im_really_scared_that_the_fine_bros_are_going_to/
%
Did you hear about those chicken proof yards?

They're impeckable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43mv0a/did_you_hear_about_those_chicken_proof_yards/
%
My boss just told me that I'm doing the work of three men...

Moe, Larry and Curly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43mus4/my_boss_just_told_me_that_im_doing_the_work_of/
%
The US can't rely on Hillary Clinton to create jobs

The last meaningful job Hillary had was outsourced to Monica Lewinsky...
...and Monica blew it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43mr7s/the_us_cant_rely_on_hillary_clinton_to_create_jobs/
%
Jesus and Moses are fishing up in Heaven...

Jesus and Moses are fishing up in Heaven reminiscing about their days on Earth. Moses says, "Man we really did some cool things back in the day." Jesus, "Hey, how about we try to do some of our old tricks?" Moses says, "Alright, I'll go first." Moses stands up, staff in one hand raises his arms together and stretches them out to either side. The water in the lake parts and the boat gently comes to rest on the lakes floor. Moses closes his arms and the water slowly goes back to normal. Jesus says, "That was pretty good, but I think I can top you." Jesus stands up takes a few calming breaths and puts one foot out on the water. He then places the other foot on the water, takes a few steps and falls in. Moses cries out, "Jesus Christ!" and quickly pulls him back in the boat. Moses says, "Jesus, what happened?" Jesus says, "That was a lot easier back when I didn't have these damn holes in my feet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43mlwu/jesus_and_moses_are_fishing_up_in_heaven/
%
a plane crashes in the middle of a desert

Only one man survives. He takes refuge in an oasis not far from the crash site. Luckily he finds lots of food and water to last him a while.
After a few weeks his need for food and water is still being satisfied, but one of his other basic needs comes calling. He feels extremely horny.
One day a camel arrives at his oasis, and since it's the only fuckable thing in endless miles of empty desert he decides to give it a shot. Problem is, every time he tries to fuck it, the camel moves out of the way.
Some time later another plane crashes nearby, and one extremely hot woman survives. The man rescues her and takes her to the oasis. She is very grateful and says:
- "you've saved my life, I would do anything to thank you!"
- "by anything...you mean, like, anything?"
The woman realizes what he is asking for and seductively responds
- "yes, anything."
- "can you hold that camel still for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43mdqf/a_plane_crashes_in_the_middle_of_a_desert/
%
A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43m9gc/a_swastika_has_been_spray_painted_over_donald/
%
How did one goldfish get the attention of another goldfish?

He yelled, "A u, fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43m95o/how_did_one_goldfish_get_the_attention_of_another/
%
What's the funniest joke you know?

(Here's one of mine)
Two flies were arguing on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43lzup/whats_the_funniest_joke_you_know/
%
What did the brazillian father ask for for christmas from his wife?

"A little head, baby"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43lygh/what_did_the_brazillian_father_ask_for_for/
%
How do you circumcise a hillbillly?

Kick his sister in the chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43lxmh/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbillly/
%
So you know the show Say Yes To The Dress

There should be a show about women deciding whether or not to get an abortion called "Say Maybe To The Baby"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43lxgl/so_you_know_the_show_say_yes_to_the_dress/
%
Defense supercomputer

A large defense contractor finally succeeded in building a supercomputer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders assembled in front of the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a hypothetical situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, "Attack or retreat?"
The computer hummed away for a minute and then came up with the answer, "Yes."
The generals looked at each other, stupefied.
Finally one of them submitted a second request to the computer, "Yes what?"
Instantly the computer responded, "Yes, Sir!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43lwbm/defense_supercomputer/
%
How does Mario talk to the dead?

With a luigi board.
Made this joke up about 10 years ago while trying to think of terrible laffy taffy jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43lvi1/how_does_mario_talk_to_the_dead/
%
I failed my chemistry lab exam.

I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43lsx5/i_failed_my_chemistry_lab_exam/
%
If you used to be transgender but aren't anymore..

would that make you a transformer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43lra8/if_you_used_to_be_transgender_but_arent_anymore/
%
how many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

12
one to screw it in,
one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,
one to blame men for creating such a faulty means of illumination,
one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape like",
one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic,
one to blame men for not changing the lightbulb,
one to blame men for trying to change the lightbulb instead of letting a woman do it,
one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing lightbulbs,
one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many lightbulbs,
one to advocate that lightbulb changers have wage parity with electricians,
one to alert the media that women are now out lightbulbing men,
one to just sit there and take pictures for her blog for photo evidence that men are unnecessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43lnhx/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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I recently participated in an erection contest. Unfortunately I didn't do so well.

Let's just say there was some stiff competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43lj7q/i_recently_participated_in_an_erection_contest/
%
Why do people prefer male bovine over female?

Many would rather be served a Sir Loin than a Miss Steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43lfju/why_do_people_prefer_male_bovine_over_female/
%
Two condoms are walking down the street and stop outside of a gay bar.

The first condom turns to the second and says, “Do you want to go in and get sh*t-faced?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43lf0o/two_condoms_are_walking_down_the_street_and_stop/
%
I got a new stick of deodorant today

The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom".  I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43lau2/i_got_a_new_stick_of_deodorant_today/
%
Why can’t pencils have babies?

Because they have rubbers on their end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43lakh/why_cant_pencils_have_babies/
%
My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43l8dg/my_sexual_desires_have_been_getting_out_of_control/
%
I had sex with a waitress and it was terrible.

She just wanted the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43l79n/i_had_sex_with_a_waitress_and_it_was_terrible/
%
What's a dinosaur's favourite poetic meter?

Ptero-Dactyls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43kx6x/whats_a_dinosaurs_favourite_poetic_meter/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar...

Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, " I'll have H2O too."
The second one dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43kwot/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Today I had an allergic reaction to a peanut...

**This title contains content from FINE BROTHERS ENTERTAINMENT who has it blocked on copyright grounds.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ksuk/today_i_had_an_allergic_reaction_to_a_peanut/
%
A farmer wanted to know how many sheep he had...

So he asked his border collie to count them from him.
The dog ran off counted the sheep and ran back to the farmer.
"So how many sheep do I have?" Asked the farmer.
"40" said the border collie.
"How can there be 40?" Asked the farmer. "I only bought 38."
The dog replies, "I rounded them up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43kp18/a_farmer_wanted_to_know_how_many_sheep_he_had/
%
My parents and I walk in to the house and see my sister...

My parents and I walk in to the house and see my sister sitting on the table next to an open jar of pickles.
Her legs are open as if stirrups were holding them up, pickle affixed in the unholiest of holies.
Stunned, we tried to play it off with some small talk.
Sister silent, I mumbled, "Sweet pickles are, uh, good..."
My father retorted, "How 'bout dat dill doe?" (sic)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43kmc4/my_parents_and_i_walk_in_to_the_house_and_see_my/
%
How can you tell if someone is a construction worker or a chemist

The way they pronounce unionised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43kktu/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_a_construction/
%
Cubical Conversion

I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle.
He said, "Hi! How are you?"
Embarrassed, I said. "I'm doing fine."
The voice said, "So what are you up to?"
I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!"
The voice asked, "Can I come over?"
Nervous, I said "Er, no, rather busy right now."
The voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the next cubicle answering all my questions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43kfvo/cubical_conversion/
%
[NSFW] A family walks into a hotel..

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43kbsy/nsfw_a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
I was in a job interview today

when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43kbai/i_was_in_a_job_interview_today/
%
Why does America spell colour without the u?

because fuck u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43kaw7/why_does_america_spell_colour_without_the_u/
%
What was left after the explosion at a French cheese factory

Des Brie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43k91t/what_was_left_after_the_explosion_at_a_french/
%
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman get a genetic test

He was surprised by the results.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43k5pu/an_irishman_an_englishman_and_a_scotsman_get_a/
%
I told my wife we are all reincarnated, but MUST come back as a different creature. She said she wanted to come back as a cow.....

.... then I said: "You obviously haven't been listening".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43k3gy/i_told_my_wife_we_are_all_reincarnated_but_must/
%
How did the mermaid prostitute make all her money?

Blue whales

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43k33o/how_did_the_mermaid_prostitute_make_all_her_money/
%
Did you hear about the two gay guys that got into a fight at the bar?

They went out to the parking lot to exchange blows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43k051/did_you_hear_about_the_two_gay_guys_that_got_into/
%
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43jy88/a_guy_meets_a_sex_worker_in_a_bar/
%
I'm starting to hate the U.S. government

The NSA appears to be the only department which listens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43jxst/im_starting_to_hate_the_us_government/
%
I learned how to yodel

-Knock knock.
--Who’s there?
-Yoda lady.
--Yoda lady who?
-Good job yodeling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43jvsz/i_learned_how_to_yodel/
%
How many communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, we just sit in the dark complaining about capitalism.
But come the light-bulb revolution everything will be brighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43jrij/how_many_communists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43jrbs/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
Actual joke told during WW II according to comedian & historian David Schneider

A Jew is walking along a farm road and Hitler comes along driving a car.  He sees the Jew and points a gun at him, ordering him to eat some cow shit in the field.  So the Jew gets down on all fours and eats the cow shit.  Hitler laughs so hard he drops the gun.  The Jew grabs the gun and points it at Hitler "Now *you* eat some cow shit!"  And Hitler gets down on all fours and eats cow shit.  The Jew laughs so hard that Hitler escapes and runs away.
The Jew makes it home and his wife asks how was his day.
"Not bad," says the Jew, "You won't believe who I had lunch with."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43jq9m/actual_joke_told_during_ww_ii_according_to/
%
"You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm." I told the prostitute.

"That's not true," she replied,
"Of course it is," I laughed, "What do you mean?"
She said, "I'm a man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43jopb/you_are_the_first_woman_that_has_ever_given_me_an/
%
I invented a new word.

Plagiarism.
---
EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43jk9a/i_invented_a_new_word/
%
When you're feeling bored and unsatisfied with life, just remember...

That there are some people who think Golf is interesting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ji62/when_youre_feeling_bored_and_unsatisfied_with/
%
"You need to stop doing chest workouts, it looks like you have boobs," said my wife.

"That makes one of us then," I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ji3k/you_need_to_stop_doing_chest_workouts_it_looks/
%
What has hands but can't clap?

Stephen Hawking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43jd9m/what_has_hands_but_cant_clap/
%
It's hurts for me to say this...

But I have a sore throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43j7d3/its_hurts_for_me_to_say_this/
%
Why did Michael Jackson always lose in a race?

Because he always came in a lil behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43j662/why_did_michael_jackson_always_lose_in_a_race/
%
A Physics student is standing on the roof of a building preparing to leap to his death....

His professor calls out to him, "Stop! You have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43j5x0/a_physics_student_is_standing_on_the_roof_of_a/
%
A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? If you can ring that for me every day precisely at noon, I will pay you $20 a day. Can you do that for me?"
The no armed man hesitates, but the offer of $20 a day sounds too promising, so he agrees.
Later that day, he makes his way up to the bell tower but alas, cannot pull the rope for obvious reasons. However, he does not give up. Being a quick thinker, the man takes a stance in front of the bell, and begins repeatedly bashing his face into the bell. Success! the bell rings on the strike of noon, and a slightly dizzy no armed man returns downstairs, where a very confused pastor lives up to his promise and grants him $20.
This process continues for several weeks. Every day at noon, the man would head to the bell tower and bash his face into the solid metal for it to chime, and then the pastor would pay him. Over time, however, this method began damaging the mans head, both inside and out. Bruises were always constant, and the pastor began noticing the man would slur his speech, look deranged and have trouble walking in a straight line. But there were no complaints, and the man, though a bit slower by the day, was still getting paid happily, so it continued.
On one fateful day, however, the man once again staggers up the stairs to reach the bell tower as noon approached. He took his normal stance, ready to smash his head once again into the giant chiming machine. However, on this fateful day, he succumbs to the damage, and as he charges at the bell, he staggers so much that he completely misses the target. His momentum takes him right over the shallow wall of the tower and he plummets to the ground. He is killed instantly.
A crowd of people begin to gather around the no armed man's body, including a police officer. A woman looks at the body, horrified, and asks "Oh my god, does anybody know who this man is?" The police officer looks at the dead man and replies "I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43j4vg/a_man_with_no_arms_is_homeless_and_looking_for_a/
%
Compliment somebody on their moustache

and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43j11o/compliment_somebody_on_their_moustache/
%
What's DJ Khaled's favorite number?

11, because it has another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43j01o/whats_dj_khaleds_favorite_number/
%
A man walks into a bar holding a piece of asphalt.

The man says, "A beer please, and one for the road!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43isb9/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_holding_a_piece_of_asphalt/
%
What's grey and comes in litres?

An elephant.
Apologies if this is a repost - heard it yesterday and had to share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ir26/whats_grey_and_comes_in_litres/
%
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43iq4i/my_exwife_was_deaf_she_left_me_for_a_deaf_friend/
%
A blonde, brunette and a redhead...

...have a breaststroke race across the English Channel. The brunette comes in first, the redhead comes in second, and the blonde never finishes.
In the lifeboat, the blonde says, "I don't want to be a tattletale, but the other two used their arms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ipms/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead/
%
How do I know that Trump will be our next president?

Because Orange is the new Black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ilvs/how_do_i_know_that_trump_will_be_our_next/
%
I stole my friend's kidneys one night

he'd be pissed, but he can't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ikfq/i_stole_my_friends_kidneys_one_night/
%
Running through a campground is impossible.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43iiqw/running_through_a_campground_is_impossible/
%
What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady?

And we will never know because he can't stand up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ih4c/what_if_stephen_hawking_was_the_real_slim_shady/
%
So Treebeard was carrying the little Hobbits to Isengard.

Upon arrival they found that the entrances to the grounds that surround the tower were completely blocked by other giant trees whose humanoid faces showed the sternest of expressions. Treebeard says with disappointment "we have no choice but to turn back". Merry replies "Why? Can't you just ask them to move?" To which Treebeard exclaims "Not at all, I can't talk to them, they are not Ent Trees, in-fact quite the opposite, they are No-Ent Trees!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43i954/so_treebeard_was_carrying_the_little_hobbits_to/
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NSFW At the restaurant, everyone kept calling me a pedophile just because I'm 52 and my wife is 22......

It  completely ruined our ten year anniversary dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43i7qk/nsfw_at_the_restaurant_everyone_kept_calling_me_a/
%
Have you heard about that new movie 'Constipation'?

It hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43i6v7/have_you_heard_about_that_new_movie_constipation/
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NSFW My wife demanded that I get a penis enlarger, so I did. ....

....she's 27 and her name is Heather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43i5a4/nsfw_my_wife_demanded_that_i_get_a_penis_enlarger/
%
A table walks into a bar and says...

Drinks are on me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43i3w7/a_table_walks_into_a_bar_and_says/
%
Why do elephants drink so much?

To forget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43i3uq/why_do_elephants_drink_so_much/
%
My ex wife is like the Mona Lisa

I mean, she's not that pretty or anything, but I would be damn near ecstatic if I came home and found her hanging in the living room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43huox/my_ex_wife_is_like_the_mona_lisa/
%
Best joke for Americans.

My friend calls me up and asks “Hey are you free tonight?”
And I say of course, I’m American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43hrvv/best_joke_for_americans/
%
When I go down on you, it makes you very happy. And when I come back up I will fuck you good and hard. What am I?

Gas prices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43hnyv/when_i_go_down_on_you_it_makes_you_very_happy_and/
%
What would you call a Pokemon Trainer if they were Jewish?

Ashe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43hnde/what_would_you_call_a_pokemon_trainer_if_they/
%
A Pickle, Cucumber, and Penis are talking...

The Pickle says, "I hate my life, once I get big and juicy, they throw me into brine and lock me away for 6 months.
The Cucumber says, "That's nothing when I get big and juicy, they slice me up, throw me on a salad and eat me."
The Penis says, "Well when I get big and juicy, they throw a tarp over me, shove me into a dark cave, and bash my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43hmz8/a_pickle_cucumber_and_penis_are_talking/
%
Do you know what "La Quinta" means in Spanish?

Next to Denny's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43hjyp/do_you_know_what_la_quinta_means_in_spanish/
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Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43hj53/tell_a_woman_shes_beautiful_a_hundred_times_and/
%
I came across a broken escalator the other day

All I could do was stair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43heh3/i_came_across_a_broken_escalator_the_other_day/
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New hooker in town.

Bill and his wife Julie were going through financial crisis.  Bill suggested Julie to become a hooker.
Julie was not sure how to start that, so Bill said, "Stand near that pillar and pick up a guy. Tell him your rate is $200. If you got any question, I'll be parked around the corner".
Within couple of minutes a black guy pulls up and asked, "How much?"
"$200"
"Shigh, I have only $120"
"Hold on"...  wife runs back to Bill.
"What can he get in $120".
"A handjob" Bill said.
Wife runs back and tells the guys he will get a handjob in $120.  Black guy agrees. She gets in the car, he unzips his pants and here is the biggest schlong ever.
She stares it for a minute and says, "Hold on, I will be right back".
She runs back to her husband and says, "Bill can you please lend him $80"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43hdd6/new_hooker_in_town/
%
When pearl jam comes on and you're like...

It doesn't get Eddie Vedder than this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43h9cx/when_pearl_jam_comes_on_and_youre_like/
%
Why did the phone keep walking into the wall?

It lost its contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43h4hb/why_did_the_phone_keep_walking_into_the_wall/
%
My wife's been missing for a week and the police said to prepare for the worst.....

...so I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43h1f9/my_wifes_been_missing_for_a_week_and_the_police/
%
When I was young I was worried about getting food stuck in my teeth.

Now I'm worried about getting my teeth stuck in food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43h08i/when_i_was_young_i_was_worried_about_getting_food/
%
There's only 3 types of people in the world.

Those that can count, and those that can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43gwsb/theres_only_3_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
President Obama to the Queen:

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked,
"But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of champagne.
"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.
"Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said,
"Yes, your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said,
"Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered,
"That would be me."
"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question.
"Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister.
Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden, "let me get back to you on that one."
He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there. Biden went up to him and asked,
"Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Paul Ryan answered,
"That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said,
"Good answer Paul!"
Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Paul Ryan!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
"NO, You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43gthb/president_obama_to_the_queen/
%
Why don't Jews like to give rim jobs?

Because it's too close to the gas chamber.
I'll show myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43gnxk/why_dont_jews_like_to_give_rim_jobs/
%
I got uninvited from a friend's wedding

Perhaps RSVPing "Maybe Next Time" wasn't the appropriate response.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43gl9f/i_got_uninvited_from_a_friends_wedding/
%
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all go to the doctor...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all pregnant. During today's appointment with their doctor, they were to learn the sexes of their future babies.
The doctor asked the redhead what position she was in when the baby was conceived. She answered that she was on bottom and was told that she'd be having a girl.
The doctor next asked the brunette what position she was in. The answer was on top and she was told she'd be having a boy.
At this, the blonde started crying. The doctor asked her what was wrong.
"Does this mean I'm gonna have puppies?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43gl8x/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_all_go_to_the/
%
In Iran, everyone's scared of spiders..

But in Iraq, no phobia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43gkex/in_iran_everyones_scared_of_spiders/
%
Donald Trump.

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world is in shock.
-Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
-Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
-Latin American countries are sending clothing.
-New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
-The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
-Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
-President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43giqh/donald_trump/
%
What do you call a dead hooker in an icebox?

A frostitute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43gcpe/what_do_you_call_a_dead_hooker_in_an_icebox/
%
What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43g7ds/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_shins/
%
So I'm opening a soup-based strip club

I'm thinking about naming it "The Brothel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43g5o4/so_im_opening_a_soupbased_strip_club/
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What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply?

Pb & J.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ftb6/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_jelly_into_flint/
%
Some things you just can't explain.

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43frqs/some_things_you_just_cant_explain/
%
I don't get why people are allowed to say "Damn straight"

But I get in trouble when i say "Damn gays".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43flwq/i_dont_get_why_people_are_allowed_to_say_damn/
%
Who does Hitler call when his dog is sick?

A Veteran Aryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43fhh2/who_does_hitler_call_when_his_dog_is_sick/
%
what did 0 say to the 8?

nice belt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43fe5y/what_did_0_say_to_the_8/
%
A physicist notices a man about to jump of a really tall building, he yells:

DONT JUMP YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43f4d2/a_physicist_notices_a_man_about_to_jump_of_a/
%
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
"This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.  The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43f3sd/a_woman_and_a_man_are_involved_in_a_car_accident/
%
A father looks to his son

He says "Son, I need to tell you something."
"What is it dad?"
"You were adopted" the dad tells him
"Oh my god, I cant believe it..."
"Yeah, go pack your shit your new parents are on the way"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43f29y/a_father_looks_to_his_son/
%
Why is leather armor the best for sneaking?

Because it's made of hide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43f1it/why_is_leather_armor_the_best_for_sneaking/
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If r/jokes was a person, what organ would he be having problems with?

De-liver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ezjt/if_rjokes_was_a_person_what_organ_would_he_be/
%
My old Mum used to say, "Always give your food a good rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43euq4/my_old_mum_used_to_say_always_give_your_food_a/
%
Do you know why there are so many great bakeries in Germany?

They had to do *something* with all of the ovens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43eow0/do_you_know_why_there_are_so_many_great_bakeries/
%
I guess some things will never change...

I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave.
Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.
She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is $400 a week.
"I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied,
"With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43eo5x/i_guess_some_things_will_never_change/
%
Anal sex is like a big red button with "do not push" on it...

You know you shouldn't, butt fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43emvg/anal_sex_is_like_a_big_red_button_with_do_not/
%
I got arrested for killing a black man

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43eknm/i_got_arrested_for_killing_a_black_man/
%
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ekk5/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_a_wall/
%
Husband has 6 months to live

Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"
She says she supposes so, eventually.
"Will he sleep in our bed"?
She says of course he will.
"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"
"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ek5b/husband_has_6_months_to_live/
%
A genie and an idiot

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43eber/a_genie_and_an_idiot/
%
Teachers be like...

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Students: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Students: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Students: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ealf/teachers_be_like/
%
A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet...

But I can only walk so fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ea63/a_prius_just_tried_to_race_me_from_a_stop_sign_i/
%
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, please help me. I hurt all over."

The doctor asked the man to explain more.
The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my leg it hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor examined the man and said. "Mr Smith, your finger is broken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43e0xu/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says_doctor_please/
%
Honey, we should really think about becoming parents.

I mean, we've already had the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43e039/honey_we_should_really_think_about_becoming/
%
I want a job as a mirror cleaner...

It's something I can see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43dxkr/i_want_a_job_as_a_mirror_cleaner/
%
9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43dwjg/9_out_of_10_americans_are_stupid/
%
Have you heard the news about the courduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ds6w/have_you_heard_the_news_about_the_courduroy/
%
The Drunk Driver

A policeman is driving late one night when he see a car swerving across the road ahead of him. He pulls the car over and approaches the driver side door. The window rolls down and the policeman sees the car is empty except for a bra on the wheel.
The policeman asks "Excuse me, have you been drinking"
"Are you kidding?" The bra replies "I'm off me tits"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43drl5/the_drunk_driver/
%
My girlfriend complained that there should be more women in technology

So I put her in my new smart fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43dq02/my_girlfriend_complained_that_there_should_be/
%
A common pick-up line at the gay bar..

"Can I push in your stool?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43doyv/a_common_pickup_line_at_the_gay_bar/
%
My sense of humor is so dark...

... one of these days it's going to get shot by the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43dfe5/my_sense_of_humor_is_so_dark/
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Isn't it great to live in 21st century ?

Where deleting history has become more important than making one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43dbpn/isnt_it_great_to_live_in_21st_century/
%
What does the train use to fuel it's gaming addiction?

Steam.
I'm so sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43d9x6/what_does_the_train_use_to_fuel_its_gaming/
%
I could tell you a Chemistry joke

.....but I probably wouldn't get much of a reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43d9ol/i_could_tell_you_a_chemistry_joke/
%
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43d7v7/what_do_you_call_a_boomerang_that_doesnt_come_back/
%
From my girlfriend's boss: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43cuhe/from_my_girlfriends_boss_whats_the_difference/
%
A refrigerator is the exact opposite of a drug addict.

It starts off in a box and then moves to a house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43cpg3/a_refrigerator_is_the_exact_opposite_of_a_drug/
%
What does a programmer have during sex?

An ||gasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43cn5s/what_does_a_programmer_have_during_sex/
%
How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43cktx/how_does_stephen_hawking_have_sex/
%
A patient wakes up and yells "I can't feel my legs!!!"

The doctor says, "Of course you can't! I amputated your arms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ch7v/a_patient_wakes_up_and_yells_i_cant_feel_my_legs/
%
What do you call John Cena in camouflage?

Redundant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43cgzd/what_do_you_call_john_cena_in_camouflage/
%
Stallman, Torvalds and Knuth have a conversation.

Richard M. Stallman, Linus Torvalds, and Donald E. Knuth
engage in a discussion on whose impact
on the computerized world was the greatest.
Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!"
Torvalds: "Well, God told *me* that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"
Knuth: "Wait, wait - I never said that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43cduc/stallman_torvalds_and_knuth_have_a_conversation/
%
Two men are fishing from a bridge...

When one man notices a funeral procession. He quietly sets down his fishing rod, takes of his hat and bows his head. When the procession is out of sight he picks up his pole and continues fishing. The other man turns to him and says, "wow. I never knew you had a feely side in you" to which the first man replies, "it's the least I could've done, afterall, we had been married for forty years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43cdi3/two_men_are_fishing_from_a_bridge/
%
The clock is ticking...

9:09
9:10
George Bush
9:12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ccea/the_clock_is_ticking/
%
Guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and immediately notices a beautiful young lady sitting at the bar by herself. After a couple of drinks, he decides to go over and make small talk.
"Hi, what's your name?" he asks.
"Carmen," she replies.
"That's a nice name," he says. "Did your mother or father name you that?"
"Neither," she says. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen."
"Why did you do that?" he asks.
"Well," she explains, "I like men and I like cars, so I picked the name Carmen. What's your name?"
"Beertits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43c8te/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A pilot briefs his passengers on a long international flight

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We would like on behalf of all our crew welcome you aboard American Airlines on a flight from Los Angeles to Sydney. We will be cruising at the altitude of 30,000 feet and will reach our destinations in 16 hours. Please relax and enjoy your flight" After he gives his speech he forgets to turn off the loudspeaker. He turns to the copilot and says, "I'm gonna make myself a nice cup of coffee, drink it, and then fuck our head flight attendant"
Everybody in the cabin hear this and a pretty flight attendant runs to the **cockpit** to tell the pilot about his blunder. A little old lady in the front of the plane sees her and says.
"What's the rush darling, he hasn't finished his coffee yet!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43c7p5/a_pilot_briefs_his_passengers_on_a_long/
%
While the Lord God put Adam to sleep to remove one rib

Bill Cosby put Eve to sleep to add twelve ribs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43c68x/while_the_lord_god_put_adam_to_sleep_to_remove/
%
What do Kim Kardashian and her dad have in common?

They both got famous for getting a black man off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43c5hy/what_do_kim_kardashian_and_her_dad_have_in_common/
%
I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real...

like how she got a job right out of college.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43c56o/i_really_wish_some_of_the_fantasies_in_50_shades/
%
When I was a little kid, my dad would swear then say "Excuse my French"

One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43c21k/when_i_was_a_little_kid_my_dad_would_swear_then/
%
Genderqueers must have a tough time scheduling..

Because they don't have agenda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43c13c/genderqueers_must_have_a_tough_time_scheduling/
%
The Special Olympics is like Nascar.

You're not watching it for the race...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43c0rr/the_special_olympics_is_like_nascar/
%
When my girlfriend and I do role play sex she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old...

I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43byg0/when_my_girlfriend_and_i_do_role_play_sex_she/
%
A man is at the checkout to purchase some condoms...

...the cashier asks, "Would you like a bag as well?" the man replies, "Oh, no thank you--she isn't that ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43bxq0/a_man_is_at_the_checkout_to_purchase_some_condoms/
%
My friend showed me a black computer he wanted to buy...

I said "Dont you mean an African American computer?" and he replied "Stop being so PC"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43bxb8/my_friend_showed_me_a_black_computer_he_wanted_to/
%
I once dated a dyslexic woman.

I took her home and she cooked my sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43bvht/i_once_dated_a_dyslexic_woman/
%
How do you get a fat girl into your bed?

Piece of cake...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43brjq/how_do_you_get_a_fat_girl_into_your_bed/
%
Why is Kylo Ren so lonely all the time?

He's Ben Solo his whole life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43bqxy/why_is_kylo_ren_so_lonely_all_the_time/
%
Why did the math teacher join the dark side?

Because only a sith deals in absolutes.
I fucking thought of this while in the bathroom. And if it's already thought of, then fuck them.  This is the sole accomplishment of my life and I can't let anybody take that away from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43bpjg/why_did_the_math_teacher_join_the_dark_side/
%
Why didn't the sun go to college?

Because it already had a million degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43bp33/why_didnt_the_sun_go_to_college/
%
I lost a cooking contest.

I was so close, but I ran out of thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43bht3/i_lost_a_cooking_contest/
%
A young monk arrives at a monastery

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
The old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43bh1h/a_young_monk_arrives_at_a_monastery/
%
My cross-eyed friend was just diagnosed with depression.

I'm not surprised - he never looks forward to anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43bfp6/my_crosseyed_friend_was_just_diagnosed_with/
%
What do men ànd hardwood flooring have in common?

Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43bb72/what_do_men_ànd_hardwood_flooring_have_in_common/
%
Incest

It's how you come into your own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43b6n3/incest/
%
Two nuns go out for a bike ride

They wander through the old part of town.
One nun says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43b4o1/two_nuns_go_out_for_a_bike_ride/
%
Why was the gay triceratops so frustrated?

Because he couldn't find any tricerabottoms!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43b1yr/why_was_the_gay_triceratops_so_frustrated/
%
Today I broke a G string while fingering A minor

Dammit, playing guitar is hard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43b04c/today_i_broke_a_g_string_while_fingering_a_minor/
%
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."

The man professed quite a list of misgivings through the confessional screen.
"Son, have you prayed for forgiveness?"
"Yes, Father?"
"Do you renounce Satan?"
"Hey, that's my wife you're taking about!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ay5e/forgive_me_father_for_i_have_sinned/
%
What do nails like to do on the weekend?

Get hammered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43axj1/what_do_nails_like_to_do_on_the_weekend/
%
What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43anpv/what_does_a_carpenter_do_after_one_night_stand/
%
So an Evangelical Republican Senator goes in for a prostate exam...

The doctor gives him a clean bill of health, and sends him on his way. He returns a week later to get a second opinion. Another doctor confirms the first's findings. He comes back for a *third* rectal examination, swearing something is amiss, only to once again be given a clean bill of health. On the way out, the attending nurse says, "I have to ask: Every doctor tells you you're fine. What are you worried about?"
"Oh, it's not about my health. I just figured why pay a guy at the truck stop $100 to do it and another $1000 to keep quiet; My co-pay here is $20 and the confidentiality is free!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43ajz3/so_an_evangelical_republican_senator_goes_in_for/
%
Relationship or hallucination...

Either way, I'm seeing someone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43aign/relationship_or_hallucination/
%
My Bakery Burned Down Last Night...

Now my business is toast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43aifv/my_bakery_burned_down_last_night/
%
A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "Where'd ya get it?"
The parrot says, "Africa."
(I don't know if you know this one, but I just heard it today)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43agas/a_black_guy_with_a_parrot_on_his_shoulder_walks/
%
The taxi driver

Passenger : I hate my job, my boss is such an Asshole.
Taxi driver : See that's why I love my job, I own my taxi, no boss for me, no one to tell me what to do.
Passenger :  take a left here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43a6md/the_taxi_driver/
%
For christmas i bought my girlfriend a pair of shoes and a dildo.

That way if she doesnt like the shoes she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43a451/for_christmas_i_bought_my_girlfriend_a_pair_of/
%
What do you call a cow which can no longer produce milk?

An udder failure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/439zp2/what_do_you_call_a_cow_which_can_no_longer/
%
Unlike Jesus, I did not have a virgin birth

It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a virgin death

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/439ywg/unlike_jesus_i_did_not_have_a_virgin_birth/
%
My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."
Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/439vy7/my_girlfriend_is_sick_of_me_pretending_that_im_a/
%
Jared Fogle began and ended his career the same way...

Trying to get into smaller pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/439uey/jared_fogle_began_and_ended_his_career_the_same/
%
My wife’s cooking is so bad

I usually pray after food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/439t9z/my_wifes_cooking_is_so_bad/
%
What do you call a fight between a Mexican and Jared Fogle?

Alien vs Predator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/439pjx/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_a_mexican_and/
%
In jail

I had a cell mate who was there for barnyard sodomy,but the judge knocked it down to horseplay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/439o2i/in_jail/
%
I'm single by choice.

But it's not my choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/439nur/im_single_by_choice/
%
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/439kqw/whats_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed_man/
%
Math teacher: What is the value of x?

Student: She was my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/439h0b/math_teacher_what_is_the_value_of_x/
%
Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was *two tired*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/439g0z/why_did_the_bicycle_fall_over/
%
Tall people don't need to be inspirational

Everyone already looks up to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/439co2/tall_people_dont_need_to_be_inspirational/
%
A Sportsmans Double

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/439bob/a_sportsmans_double/
%
A man returns home from work...

to find his girlfriend at the front door with her bags packed.
The man asks, "Where do you think you're going?"
The girl responds, "I'm leaving you! You're a pedophile!"
The man surprised, retorts, "That's a big word for a 10 year old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4391po/a_man_returns_home_from_work/
%
The Drunk Driver and The Cop

A drunk driver was caught while driving and the officer came to talk to him
Officer: Sir, How HIGH are You ?
Driver: Officer, I think you are DRUNK, its not How HI are you, its HI, How Are You.. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/439075/the_drunk_driver_and_the_cop/
%
My brother threw a can of Pepsi at me from the roof...

I'm just glad it was a soft drink otherwise that may have caused some serious damage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/438x38/my_brother_threw_a_can_of_pepsi_at_me_from_the/
%
How do you mute an Italian?

Tie up their hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/438tfc/how_do_you_mute_an_italian/
%
What's the difference between a woman and a nun in a bath?

One has a soul full of hope and the other has a hole full of soap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/438h9y/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a_nun_in/
%
Husband sat in his room throwing darts....

at his wife's photo but not even a single one hit the target. From another room the wife asks the husband : "What are you doing?" . Husband: "MISSING YOU".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/438avb/husband_sat_in_his_room_throwing_darts/
%
So I asked my North Korean friend how it was there...

he said he couldn’t complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43868w/so_i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_there/
%
So a blind man walks into a bar..

The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?"
In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4383of/so_a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Join the war against masturbation!!!

We can beat it together!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4383jb/join_the_war_against_masturbation/
%
Did you hear that Mr. White rear-ended someone?

Braking Bad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4382nu/did_you_hear_that_mr_white_rearended_someone/
%
What does a robot do after a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4381y2/what_does_a_robot_do_after_a_one_night_stand/
%
What's the difference between a magicians wand and a police baton?

The magician's wand is used for cunning stunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4381tr/whats_the_difference_between_a_magicians_wand_and/
%
An Indian lady walks into a bar for the first time...

and sat infront of the bartender.
There were two men sitting beside her. One on her left and one on her right.
The man on the right said to the bartender: "Jack Daniels, single."
The man on the left said to the bartender: "Johnnie Walker, single."
Then the bartender looked the the lady and said: "And you??"
The lady replied: "Aakaanksha Kapoor, married!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437zmh/an_indian_lady_walks_into_a_bar_for_the_first_time/
%
What do you call a jewish pokemon trainer?

Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437x6t/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
%
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437vyh/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
%
What if Stephen hawking was the real slim shady?

but we would never know because he couldn't stand up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437v50/what_if_stephen_hawking_was_the_real_slim_shady/
%
What did the white high school dropout get for his birthday?

A legacy scholarship for his second choice school

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437sgt/what_did_the_white_high_school_dropout_get_for/
%
What kind of computer is optimized for sad songs?

A Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437rjj/what_kind_of_computer_is_optimized_for_sad_songs/
%
How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.
One to actually screw it in, and one to hold the ~~penis.~~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437rem/how_many_freudian_analysts_does_it_take_to_screw/
%
Why didn't the proctologist show up for work?

He had two cars, but he rectum both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437odd/why_didnt_the_proctologist_show_up_for_work/
%
My friend died today...

He wasn't able to speak, but in his dying moments he wanted me to have his EpiPen. I'll cherish it forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437kz9/my_friend_died_today/
%
In honor of the 30 year anniversary of the Challenger explosion. What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437iwu/in_honor_of_the_30_year_anniversary_of_the/
%
Hillary Meets with Satan

Hillary was finishing up a day on the campaign trail when the Devil suddenly appeared in her and made her an offer...
"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."
Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"
"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.
"A pandering media?" she asked.
"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.
"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.
"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.
Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:
"So...what's the catch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437g49/hillary_meets_with_satan/
%
My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437bdk/my_girlfriend_told_me_shes_sick_of_me_pretending/
%
Classroom Nerd

(In a high school class room)
Girl: Do you see that F@#$ING nerd over there.
Teacher: Don't be so mean, he could be your boss one day.
Nerd: Sorry I don't plan on being a pimp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437bdc/classroom_nerd/
%
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

The rabbi cuts them off, the priest sucks them off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437aqu/whats_the_difference_between_a_rabbi_and_a_priest/
%
What's the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4379i2/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_three/
%
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437921/how_did_rihanna_find_out_chris_brown_was_cheating/
%
I made a Starbucks barista cry

I put my name down as Dad and he stood there calling it over and over again with no reply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4378f0/i_made_a_starbucks_barista_cry/
%
Gosh, hell must be really awkward.

I mean there's Hitler, and all the Jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43730u/gosh_hell_must_be_really_awkward/
%
What's the Mexican version of the KKK?

¿Que? ¿Que? ¿Que?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4371xz/whats_the_mexican_version_of_the_kkk/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees Trump and Cruz talking...

He asks them what they are talking about. Cruz says that they are planning World War 3. Trump explains the plan, which is killing 140 million Muslims and a porn star. The man asks, "Why the porn star?". Then Trump says to Cruz, "See, I told you nobody cares about 140 million Muslims!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/436ypm/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_trump_and_cruz/
%
Monica Lewinsky will not be voting for Hillary..

The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/436wug/monica_lewinsky_will_not_be_voting_for_hillary/
%
What do you call a bunny in a kilt?

A hopscotch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/436thn/what_do_you_call_a_bunny_in_a_kilt/
%
Why You Should Make Love Once A Year

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/436qjd/why_you_should_make_love_once_a_year/
%
Just found out the Turkish President is getting into acting

He shot a pilot a few month back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/436p9i/just_found_out_the_turkish_president_is_getting/
%
I walked into my glass door today

Oh the pane...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/436okg/i_walked_into_my_glass_door_today/
%
The difference between a Life Scout and an Eagle Scout.

A Life Scout is ready for anything. The Eagle Scout is ready for Murphy's Law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/436o3d/the_difference_between_a_life_scout_and_an_eagle/
%
What do you call a disabled Lego?

An O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/436nvf/what_do_you_call_a_disabled_lego/
%
Why did the noodle hide from the other noodles?

Because he was Alfredo pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/436jzi/why_did_the_noodle_hide_from_the_other_noodles/
%
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Staple a piece of bread to the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/436gm8/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_ethiopia/
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What was the weather forcast in poland on the day before the german invasion?

86% chance of heil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/436ffx/what_was_the_weather_forcast_in_poland_on_the_day/
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A reddit mod walks into a bar...

She promptly kicks everyone out, locks the doors and, declaring herself to be the bartender, proceeds to get drunk with power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/436fc7/a_reddit_mod_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/436dfy/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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A guy walks into a bar with three ducks in a shopping bag.

He sits down and proceeds to take each of the three ducks out of the bag and stand them on the bartop. Then he goes to the restroom.
The bartender sees this, and knowing he should mind his own business, can't help but introduce himself. The gets down to eye level with the first duck and says, "Hello there, little duck. What's your name?"
^("The name's Huey.")
"Pleased to meet you, Huey. How's your day?"
^("Pretty good. We went to the park and we've been in and out of puddles all day.")
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. He moves to the second duck and says, "And what's your name, little guy?"
^("The name's Dewey.")
"Well hello, Dewey. How's your day been?"
^("Fine, just fine. Went to the park. Been in and out of puddles all day.")
"Well that sounds like great fun." The bartender looks to the last duck. "Let me guess. Your name is Louie, right?"
The third duck looks up and says,
^("No, dammit. The name's Puddles and I'm in no mood to talk about my day alright?!")

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/436brx/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_three_ducks_in_a/
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What was the cannibal's favorite part about the Vegetarian dish?

The Vegetarian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4369vr/what_was_the_cannibals_favorite_part_about_the/
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Watching a cooking show when "We believe this was the last dish they served on the Titanic on that fateful day"

I bet that went down well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4364am/watching_a_cooking_show_when_we_believe_this_was/
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When your telling a joke

But you punch up the fuckline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/435w2p/when_your_telling_a_joke/
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A lady walks into a grocery store looking for tomatoes and can't seem to find any, so she goes to ask a store clerk.

Lady: Excuse me, could you help me find some tomatoes?
Clerk: Sorry, but we are fresh out.
Lady: You don't understand, I need these tomatoes, could you check in the back for me?
Clerk: I am sure we don't have any, but I will go look.
The clerk goes to the back and comes back.
Clerk: Sorry, there aren't any in the back.
Lady: But you don't understand, I NEED these.
Clerk: Lady, you're just not getting it. Let me explain it to you this way. What do you get when you take the "blue" out of blueberries?
Lady: Berries.
Clerk: Okay, what do you get when you take the "Straw" out of strawberries?
Lady: Berries.
Clerk: Now what do you get when you take the "fuck" out of tomatoes?
The lady pauses for a moment...
Lady: There's no fuck in tomatoes!
Clerk: That is what I have been trying to tell you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/435u86/a_lady_walks_into_a_grocery_store_looking_for/
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The teacher asked...

- "Why did you bring your cat today Jimmy?"
- He replied, crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/435tf9/the_teacher_asked/
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The lady golfer

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? "
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 am." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under-par round.
She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays
right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play,they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/435sc1/the_lady_golfer/
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I'm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/435i2w/im_so_good_at_sleeping/
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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning...

'Windows frozen; won't open'
Husband texts back, 'Pour warm water over it and *gently* tap edges with hammer'
5 minutes later wife texts back, 'Computer really messed up now.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/435dnh/wife_texts_husband_on_a_cold_winter_morning/
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What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/435dkw/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_birth_control_and_lsd/
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A man died while masturbating

The doctors said he died from a stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/435aeg/a_man_died_while_masturbating/
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What did the NSA say to Russia after the blizzard?

We're Snowden!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4358qh/what_did_the_nsa_say_to_russia_after_the_blizzard/
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Why do electricians wear pants?

Because they hate shorts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/434t0v/why_do_electricians_wear_pants/
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Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure

.
Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?
Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.
'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'
Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.'
The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.
Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!'
The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.
The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!'
Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood. Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/434p6v/married_couple_at_a_zoo_walks_past_a_gorilla/
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if a fat doctor gives you a vasectomy, why should you ask him about the weather?

because he's a meaty urologist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/434o9n/if_a_fat_doctor_gives_you_a_vasectomy_why_should/
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What happens when lawyers die?

They lie still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/434mu1/what_happens_when_lawyers_die/
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A guy bursts into a bar

"Gimme a double brandy!" - barman complies and the guy slugs the drink back with gusto
"Gimme another!" he shouts and again powers it down.
"Another double barman!" and again he chugs it back.
"What's the occasion sir?" inquires the barman
"I've just had my first blow job" says the patron
"Well sir then allow me the pleasure of buying you a double to celebrate"
"No it's ok" says the customer "if 3 doubles wont get rid of the taste then nothing will"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/434moc/a_guy_bursts_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between squash and zucchini?

You can't zucchini bugs!
A family-friendly take on the age old "jam VS jelly" joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/434hnk/whats_the_difference_between_squash_and_zucchini/
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They told me to get help when I was suicidal. My guy was terrible--

he wouldn't even pull the trigger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/434f85/they_told_me_to_get_help_when_i_was_suicidal_my/
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What is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?

Imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/434f1t/what_is_it_called_when_your_crush_has_a_crush_on/
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Why do hipsters hate ice skating?

They could never do it before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/434el9/why_do_hipsters_hate_ice_skating/
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She was only a moonshine-maker's daughter...

... but I loved her still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/434bqt/she_was_only_a_moonshinemakers_daughter/
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"Removing my make up"

Or how I like to call it:
"Reset face to factory settings"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/434b4r/removing_my_make_up/
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My dad was offered sex for services.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/434arz/my_dad_was_offered_sex_for_services/
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A group of blondes walk into a bar...

A group of blondes walk into a bar and order a round of beers. They laugh and congratulate one another and finish their drinks. One blonde says to the bar tender "Another round, on me!" The bartender gets them another round of drinks and they continue to be lively and cheery and before long, finish their drinks. Another blonde says "Bartender, another round please!". The bartender walks over and says "I'll get you another round of drinks, but you have to tell me what you're celebrating." The blonde says "Well, we just finished competing a puzzle." "A puzzle?" Says the bartender, "How long did it take you?" The blonde replies "Six months".  "Six months!" Exclaimes the bartender, "That's a long time for one puzzle."  The blonde says. "That's not long at all, on the box it says three to four years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4344h5/a_group_of_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
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I love how people always leave voicemails when I miss their calls.

It's like they want to be ignored twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43428o/i_love_how_people_always_leave_voicemails_when_i/
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Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?

The Trump card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/433zi6/minorities_have_the_race_card_women_have_the/
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What did the fisherman and his girlfriend do last night?

Net fish and krill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/433zcs/what_did_the_fisherman_and_his_girlfriend_do_last/
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I took one of those online IQ tests ...

And got a 404. I'm a super genius!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/433yn6/i_took_one_of_those_online_iq_tests/
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Something hit me at high frequency today

It really hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/433svd/something_hit_me_at_high_frequency_today/
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Why was the pregnant woman screaming "wouldn't, shouldn't, couldn't!"?

She was having contractions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/433qtd/why_was_the_pregnant_woman_screaming_wouldnt/
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So there's a guy at the bar. Wasted and crying....

The bartender comes up to him and asks what's wrong. "I'm so wasted I just threw up all over myself! My wife said she would leave if I didn't quit drinking and when I get home, I'm done." The bartender says "I can help. Put a $20 in you coat pocket. Tell her you only had one beer, but a drunk idiot threw up on you and gave you the money to clean your suit. Crisis averted!" The guy says "ok" and goes home. Needless to say his wife was livid. He said "Honey, I'm not drunk, I only had one beer, but this drunk idiot threw up all over me, and gave me this $20 to dry clean the suit!" She said but this is a fifty!" He said "Oh, and I think he shit my pants too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/433og9/so_theres_a_guy_at_the_bar_wasted_and_crying/
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Women are like pasta

They are straight until you get them wet.
- Ellen Degeneres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/433kbj/women_are_like_pasta/
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I have a rain fetish.

It really gets me wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/433k2w/i_have_a_rain_fetish/
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A retired navy admiral's daughter is about to get married to a young naval officer

The night before the wedding the admiral approaches his daughter.
"You know I served in the navy for 40 years and the guys are great. But being out at sea for so long they get into some funny stuff. I want you to have a happy marriage but promise me that if he ever asks you to do it the other way you will refuse"
"What do you mean? What's the other way?"
"Never you mind what it is. Just promise me that if he ever asks you to do it the other way, you will say no"
"Ok dad I promise."
They hug and prepare for the big day.
The young couple get married and like all newlyweds have a very active sex life. But every day the daughter is getting ever more curious about what "the other way" is.
After a year, she turns to her husband and says
"Honey. For our first anniversary, I was hoping we could try something different. Could we do it the other way?"
Her husband looks shocked and yells
"What??? And risk you getting pregnant???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/433g6z/a_retired_navy_admirals_daughter_is_about_to_get/
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If they release three more sequels of 'Fast and Furious' series...

They should name the last one - "Fast10 - Your Seatbelt" in memory of Paul Walker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/433frh/if_they_release_three_more_sequels_of_fast_and/
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What do you call a house that changes every month?

A Werehouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/433dgj/what_do_you_call_a_house_that_changes_every_month/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4335ol/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing...

And now my pet snake has a huge tumor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4335ih/i_cant_see_how_this_day_could_get_any_worse_first/
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The wife texts her mathematician husband to purchase eggs while he is at the grocery store

Husband: How many eggs should i get?
Wife: Please get 6!
Husband: Ok.
*1 hour later*
Husband: I can't fit all 720 eggs in the car. Can you come help me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4334sc/the_wife_texts_her_mathematician_husband_to/
%
I've been going to the gym for five years now and I still don't have abs.

It sucks being the cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4333zu/ive_been_going_to_the_gym_for_five_years_now_and/
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Where does a prostitute go to rat out her pimp?

To a hoe-tell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4331n8/where_does_a_prostitute_go_to_rat_out_her_pimp/
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Did you hear about the tarpaulin conspiracy??

It was a massive coverup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432yca/did_you_hear_about_the_tarpaulin_conspiracy/
%
A guy arrives home late from the pub....

His wife is waiting for him when he gets home and she starts giving out to him and shouting at him him for being drunk. He mumbles 'I'm not drunk I swear, I only had 2 or 3 pints'.
'You are drunk', she says, 'you can barely stand up'. He stands up straight and again says 'I'm not drunk'. 'Can you tell the time?' she asks. So the man turns around and looks at the clock and says 'I'm not drunk'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432vzr/a_guy_arrives_home_late_from_the_pub/
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Where did Suzy go when the bombs fell?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432vxh/where_did_suzy_go_when_the_bombs_fell/
%
My new thai girlfriend said "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship"

I still wish she didn't have one though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432voa/my_new_thai_girlfriend_said_a_small_penis/
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So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem?

comes out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432t6x/so_this_guy_with_a_premature_ejaculation_problem/
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The more time you spend with your lover, the more you become like them.

That explains why I'm so childish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432rrv/the_more_time_you_spend_with_your_lover_the_more/
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My SO told me that I should stop pretending to be a flamingo

I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432r6m/my_so_told_me_that_i_should_stop_pretending_to_be/
%
"GIVE IT TO ME" she yelled "Oh my God I'm so wet!!"

She could scream all she wants I was keeping the umbrella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432ork/give_it_to_me_she_yelled_oh_my_god_im_so_wet/
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Woman posts on dating website...

... what's she's looking for perfect husband who wouldn't run away from her, wouldn't beat her, and would be amazing in bed.
Week later, she hears someone's ringing the door, and as she opens it, she sees young man in wheelchair, but he has no arms or legs.
Confused, woman asks *"What are you looking for?"*
He responds *"I'm that perfect husband you're looking for. As you see I've no legs, so I won't be able to run away, and I don't have hands either, so I won't be able to beat you!"*
Slightly interested she asks him *"What about sex? Are you good?"*
&nbsp;
*"How do you think I rang the bell?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432op8/woman_posts_on_dating_website/
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I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology...

... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432n46/i_used_to_work_in_restaurants_before_switching_to/
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Three actors are deciding on roles for a movie about classical music.

Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all taking part in a new movie about classical composers.
"I think I'll play Beethoven!" declared Matt.
"I'd like the role of Mozart!" Brad decided.
"I'll be Bach." said Arnie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432l11/three_actors_are_deciding_on_roles_for_a_movie/
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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432ipm/jesus_christ_fed_2000_people_with_5_loaves_of/
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So a man finds a magic lamp with a genie...

The genie grants him the three wishes that he asks.
The next morning, he wakes up to see hundreds of beautiful girls still sleeping around him. He walks into the hall of his house, and feels crunching under his feet. He picks some off the ground and realizes that the floor and walls are covered in hundred dollar bills! But just then, his front door gets shoved in and huge men in white robes and masks holding burning crosses drag him outside, beat him mercilessly, and hang him from a tree.
Meanwhile, the genie meets another genie who is also just off duty.
"Whatup? "
"Dunno man, people want weird things these days."
"You're telling me! This last guy of mine is kinda dumb! I mean, I get the enormous sex appeal wish and the filthy rich beyond imagination wish, but why the hell would he want to be hung like a black man?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432cwa/so_a_man_finds_a_magic_lamp_with_a_genie/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park?

He finally woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4329g1/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_in_the_park/
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"I really don't like my mother in law" said the cannibal...

"I really don't like my mother in law" said the cannibal to his friend. His friend puts his hand on the cannibals shoulder and replies, "Thats okay, just finish your chips".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432771/i_really_dont_like_my_mother_in_law_said_the/
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Why are men smarter during sex?

Because they're plugged into a fucking know it all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/432622/why_are_men_smarter_during_sex/
%
Why is there so much "twang" in Country music?

It is the sound a guitar makes after six or seven generations of inbreeding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43241a/why_is_there_so_much_twang_in_country_music/
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What's the difference between a Trump rally and a Klan rally?

Several thousand yards of white fabric.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4323nq/whats_the_difference_between_a_trump_rally_and_a/
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What is the difference between a girl in a church, and a girl in a bathtub?

The girl in the church has hope in her soul, and the girl In the bathtub has soap in her hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4322m1/what_is_the_difference_between_a_girl_in_a_church/
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What do you call a Nazi turkey?

Joseph Gobbles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/431zxz/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_turkey/
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Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of three?

Because the sign says no trespassing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/431x4n/why_dont_mexicans_cross_the_border_in_groups_of/
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Are you addicted to masturbation?

Reach out to me and we can beat it together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/431uxj/are_you_addicted_to_masturbation/
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Why did the Mexican fail English 101?

He wouldn't turn in his essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/431se1/why_did_the_mexican_fail_english_101/
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[OC] Alright, here's my new year's resolution...

Stop being late

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/431nsl/oc_alright_heres_my_new_years_resolution/
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What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?

On one hand, you have a watch...
But on the other hand, you have a watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/431nqh/what_are_the_pros_and_cons_of_wearing_two_watches/
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Why couldn't Moses believe his mother sent him away in a basket?

Because he was in de-nile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/431mwy/why_couldnt_moses_believe_his_mother_sent_him/
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What do you call a Jamaican cooking competition?

A jerkoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/431h59/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_cooking_competition/
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Lil' Jon's Electrician

Popular music icon Lil Jon had returned home from his world tour to find his electrician finishing up his renovations.
"The place looks great!" Said Lil Jon.
"Thanks," the electrician replied, "But there's one thing I have to show you."
The electrician guided Lil Jon into Lil Jon's personal bar. Strangely, it had only a single light bulb dangling from the ceiling.
"I don't understand," said Lil Jon. "Why did you install this light bulb?"
"This is a special light bulb!" The electrician replied enthusiastically. "In order to help you live a healthier lifestyle, the bulb will become dimmer the more you drink. When it gets too dark to see, you know it's time to call it a night."
Lil Jon was astounded.
"I can't wait to try it out!" he said. So that night, Lil Jon had a party with all his closest family and friends. They laughed and drank and danced the evening away.
Around 11:30 PM, the party guests became tired and some had even begun to go home. But Lil' Jon was not satisfied.
"The party must go on!" he shouted. "Get me another round of shots!"
The lightbulb darkened.
It had turned down four watts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/431fpk/lil_jons_electrician/
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What do you call a Jewish Pokemon Trainer

ASH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/431enp/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
%
What did the scientist say after attacking his colleague with sodium chloride?

That's a salt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/431e2o/what_did_the_scientist_say_after_attacking_his/
%
I've been hit by a car before,

you don't want to go down that road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/431dwp/ive_been_hit_by_a_car_before/
%
What's a bulimic cheerleaders favourite restaurant?

In'n'Out Burger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/431bro/whats_a_bulimic_cheerleaders_favourite_restaurant/
%
What did Ryu say when I asked if I could have some of his food?

***SHORYUKEN***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4317a6/what_did_ryu_say_when_i_asked_if_i_could_have/
%
Two cannibals kill some guy and are about to eat him...

"How do we want to do this? I know: I'll start at the head, you start at the feet, and we'll meet at the middle!"
After a few minutes, the first one asks "How ya doin down there?"
"I'm having a ball!"
"Slow down mother fucker, save some for both of us!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4313qm/two_cannibals_kill_some_guy_and_are_about_to_eat/
%
Apple iBoob

Given the recent slowdown in iPhone sales, Apple announced today that it will skip the wearables market and develop a line of digital implants for adults. The first product, shipping in the summer of 2016, is a breast enhancement device that can store and play music. The new Apple iBoobs, sold in pairs, will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4311hv/apple_iboob/
%
I used to be addicted to playing with Play-Doh

But now I'm reformed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4310q4/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_playing_with_playdoh/
%
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/430z7u/why_dont_you_ever_see_elephants_hiding_up_in_trees/
%
What do dolphins use to stay clean?

All-porpoise cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/430xty/what_do_dolphins_use_to_stay_clean/
%
My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/430uif/my_korean_friend_died_yesterday/
%
A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!"

"That's right" replies the German teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/430bfi/a_bitter_army_veteran_storms_into_a_classroom_and/
%
I'm adopted and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me.

But why everyday?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/430as1/im_adopted_and_im_glad_my_parents_were_at_least/
%
What do you call a horse who goes freerunning?

Sarah Jessica Parkour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/430a6q/what_do_you_call_a_horse_who_goes_freerunning/
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a *great* year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4306lx/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
%
Why did man invent curling?

To convince women sweeping was a sport.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42zyv9/why_did_man_invent_curling/
%
A husband and wife are getting married....

Minister: And now your wedding vows
Groom: A E I O U
Bride: Omg do u ever take anything seriously?
Groom: sometimes....why?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42zxbe/a_husband_and_wife_are_getting_married/
%
Gf tells me "to make love like to me like they do in the movies"..

Long story short..Im due in court soon. Guess we don't watch the same kind of movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42zuiy/gf_tells_me_to_make_love_like_to_me_like_they_do/
%
Husband walks into the bedroom with a sheep, his wife on the bed..

Husband: "this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache"
Wife:"I think you'll find that that's a sheep"
Husband: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42zs8b/husband_walks_into_the_bedroom_with_a_sheep_his/
%
A feminist asked me how I saw lesbians.

Apparently *in HD* wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42zq1n/a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_saw_lesbians/
%
What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42zlvo/whats_the_difference_between_hungry_and_horny/
%
A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42zhs4/a_cuban_a_canadian_and_a_white_supremacist_walk/
%
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42zfze/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_basketball_court/
%
I told my chiropractor that my spine was already in alignment, but he proved me wrong.

Now I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42z6kp/i_told_my_chiropractor_that_my_spine_was_already/
%
A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking

She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42z2kz/a_blondes_boyfriend_dies_after_choking/
%
Women's underwear is a great example of how you can make something half-assed and it still become very successful

Thought of this in traffic yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42yxef/womens_underwear_is_a_great_example_of_how_you/
%
Who won the Asian cooking contest?

It was a Thai!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42yvum/who_won_the_asian_cooking_contest/
%
I'm speechless

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42yu7c/im_speechless/
%
For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid anything salty

Im gonna miss reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42yqi2/for_health_reasons_my_doctor_says_i_should_avoid/
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[WARNING: DARK] A pedophile and a kid are walking through the woods...

The kid says "Hey Mister, it's kinda scary in these woods."
The pedophile says "How do you think I feel? I have to walk out of here alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42yncn/warning_dark_a_pedophile_and_a_kid_are_walking/
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I mean, NHL teams have father-son road trips all the time

I don't think they're as common in the NBA though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ymzm/i_mean_nhl_teams_have_fatherson_road_trips_all/
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Why does /r/jokes love fencing?

They've all mastered the riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ymix/why_does_rjokes_love_fencing/
%
When I was a child, I was raped by a group of mimes.

They performed unspeakable acts on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42yjer/when_i_was_a_child_i_was_raped_by_a_group_of_mimes/
%
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

The Spanish Inquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42yf33/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_with_a/
%
I went on a date with a woman from Alaska...

Things were going pretty well, and we sincerely enjoyed each others company. Then at the end of the night, I tried to give her an Eskimo kiss, but I guess she wasn't really Inuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42y6yp/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_woman_from_alaska/
%
Why can't Mexicans bow hunt?

'Cause they don't Habanero!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42y68n/why_cant_mexicans_bow_hunt/
%
What do you call a room full of 100 lesbians and 100 lawyers?

A room full of 200 people who don't do dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42y5t7/what_do_you_call_a_room_full_of_100_lesbians_and/
%
My doctor told me I suffer from Anorexia...

... like it's not enough that I'm fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42y1im/my_doctor_told_me_i_suffer_from_anorexia/
%
We hired a teenage girl at my hardware store

I was showing her around the aisles when I picked up something off the shelf and pointed it at my self and made a beeping sound.
I said, "This is a stud-finder" and laughed.
She pulled up her sleeve, showed me her FitBit and made a beeping sound. She said, "This is a pedo-meter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42y05a/we_hired_a_teenage_girl_at_my_hardware_store/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xz4y/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Why are camels known as the ships of the desert?

Because they're filled with Arab semen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xywb/why_are_camels_known_as_the_ships_of_the_desert/
%
A panda bear walks into a resturant..

And orders some food, after his meal the server comes out and asks how everything was and the panda bear pulls a gun a shoots him. The manager comes out and says "hey man what's going on?" The panda bear replies "I'm a panda bear Google it.." and leaves. The manager curiously Googled panda bear and was reading "panda bear: black and white bear, eats chutes and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xqw9/a_panda_bear_walks_into_a_resturant/
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Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?

A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xni9/q_what_do_agnostic_insomniac_dyslexics_do_at_night/
%
The first time I got up close and personal with a girl was round the back by the school bins.

In hindsight, I wish I hadn't looked into that rubbish bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xjnv/the_first_time_i_got_up_close_and_personal_with_a/
%
What's the difference between a Harley and a hoover?

The position of the dirtbag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xhqo/whats_the_difference_between_a_harley_and_a_hoover/
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Clean Shave

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old  drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished,  the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what  would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied,  "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else  does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xhm0/clean_shave/
%
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole...

I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xhcs/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole/
%
What do you call a Transformer that engages in illegal activities?

Optimus *Crime*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xhbc/what_do_you_call_a_transformer_that_engages_in/
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Do you remember how before social media nobody cared what, where and with whom you ate?

Still nobody cares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xgdv/do_you_remember_how_before_social_media_nobody/
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto

were out riding when the Lone Ranger needed to shit. So finding a shrub, he squatted down to do his business.  Suddenly he started yelling and screaming for Tonto. "Tonto! A rattle snake bit my asshole. Ride into town and get the doctor!"  Tonto jumped on his horse and rode as fast as he could into town and found the doctor. He explained what happened and asked what to do. "You don't have much time!" said the doc "you must ride back and suck the poison out, it's the only way to save him!"  Tonto stared at the doc for a few seconds, jumped on his horse again and rode back.  Once back The Lone Ranger yelled "Quickly Tonto! What did the doctor say?!"
"Doctor say you gonna die"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xdku/the_lone_ranger_and_tonto/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xdaq/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats

I'm gonna miss tumblr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xchq/for_health_reasons_my_doctor_says_i_should_avoid/
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Singing blowjob (NSFW)

One of my friends was a sailor in the navy many moons ago. He was out on deployment for long periods of time, and being a ship without women, he was naturally frisky.
They arrived at an island to resupply and the crew were given leave - so he makes his way to the nearest tavern and enquires of the barmaid
'Where can I find a brothel around here?'
To which the barmaid replies
"I'm afraid you won't find any such establishment around here. Missionaries came through several years back and we've all but converted."
He left the bar and began aimlessly wandering around the island. As night fell he decided to climb one last hill before heading back to the ship. As he reached the crest of the hill, he noticed a shack all alone with a sign reading:
"Singing blowjobs: $5"
Excitedly he knocks on the door. The door opens and a little old lady looks up at him. He recoils a little and thinks to himself that maybe this wasn't such a good idea. The old lady grins and asks
"Ooooh. Here for the singing blowjob are we?".
'N-no. I have the wrong place, sorry' he stammers.
"Ooooh no, you'll be wanting the blowjob. Come on in. Come on", she says.
He hands her the $5 and enters the shack. The door closes to veritable darkness and he unzips his fly. The singing begins and the lady goes to work to a resounding crescendo. Baffled by how such a thing is possible he asks
'How were you able to do that?!'
"Old family secret" she laughs, half speaking to herself.
Relieved but curious, he leaves and returns the next evening. He knocks on the door and the old woman answers
"Back again are we? I expect you'll be after the singing blowjob!" she enquires.
'Yes, yes. Here is the $5' he says, handing the money over and closing the door behind him. The singing begins and an amazing blowjob follows. He enquires again how such a thing is possible, only to be met with the same reply.
The next day the ship leaves port and they sail out on their next mission. He tells all his friends of the singing blowjob, to which most of them laugh and mock him. He remains adamant it was real and that he'd find out the secret.
Years pass and they chance upon the same island again. The ship docks and he runs to the hilltop to find the shack standing there, with the same sign.
He knocks on the door and the old woman answers again. She looks up at him, and then realisation lights up in her eyes
"Ooooh! I remember you. You'll be wanting the singing blowjob! Come in, come in!", she says.
'No, I just want to know how you do it!' he demands.
"Family secret, can't tell. Can't tell" she replies, smiling and laughing to herself.
'Alright, alright. Here is your money' he says, determined to uncover the truth. He hands her the money and heads inside the dark shack. The singing begins and he tries to focus on his surroundings, looking for a radio or television -- anything which might produce the sound. Before long he is lost in the ecstasy and forgets all about looking. The woman finishes the job, and he leaves.
Frustrated and adamant to uncover the truth, he decides to bring a torch with him the following evening to finally get to the bottom of the family secret.
The following evening he rushes up the hill with a torch in his back pocket. Knocking on the door, he is received by the old woman again
"Back again are we? The singing blowjob it will be?" she grins.
'Fine. Yes. Here is your money' he says, pushing the money at her and closing the door behind him. The singing begins and the woman goes to work. For a moment he nearly loses himself to the feeling and forgets to look around.
Regaining his senses, he fumbles in his back pocket and pulls the torch out. Flicking it on, he casts it down to the table in front of him and the first thing he sees - a glass eyeball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42x6pk/singing_blowjob_nsfw/
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Did you hear about the pornstar that could cum in one second?

His name was Juan Mississippi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42x000/did_you_hear_about_the_pornstar_that_could_cum_in/
%
How do you drown a hipster?

Throw them in the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42wfxn/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
Friendship

Bob goes to his friend Johnny and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"
Johnny doesn't like it but being Bob's long time friend, he agrees. After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Johnny what he's really up to.
Johnny, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied".
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Johnny's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42wczm/friendship/
%
What does the flint water crises and Chicago PD have in common?

The amount of lead put into black people.
(It was funnier over the radio)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42w604/what_does_the_flint_water_crises_and_chicago_pd/
%
I knew a guy who was into sadism, necrophilia, and beastiality...

But he gave it up cause at the end of the day, he was just beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42vy6d/i_knew_a_guy_who_was_into_sadism_necrophilia_and/
%
So, this guy comes home to find his house was broken into and someone stole all his lamps.

He was delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42vw3o/so_this_guy_comes_home_to_find_his_house_was/
%
What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?

Gluten Tag
And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread?
Flour power
And when a lot of people do it at the same time?
a rye-ot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42vq32/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_german_hits_you_with_a/
%
A guy goes to the supermarket

and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello!
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says...
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I banged on the pool table while you whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42voaj/a_guy_goes_to_the_supermarket/
%
My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds

Only 13 more to go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42vmaz/my_new_years_resolution_is_to_lose_10_pounds/
%
When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body

....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42vf51/when_wearing_a_bikiniwomen_reveal_90_of_their_body/
%
So I heard a bad joke about a prostitute...

It was whoreible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42v9pv/so_i_heard_a_bad_joke_about_a_prostitute/
%
A young child caught her parents in the bedroom last night.

The child asks,
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"
The mother replies,
"I have to do that, or else daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work, you silly!" responds the child.
"Why not?" asks the mother.
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42v4z0/a_young_child_caught_her_parents_in_the_bedroom/
%
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42uytr/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
What's the best thing about finger blasting a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42uyc2/whats_the_best_thing_about_finger_blasting_a/
%
For lack of a better word...

Buy a thesaurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42uy8b/for_lack_of_a_better_word/
%
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight...

What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42uw0i/i_was_given_mdma_and_lsd_tonight/
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What is a pedophile's favourite pair of shoes?

White vans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42use5/what_is_a_pedophiles_favourite_pair_of_shoes/
%
A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42un7o/a_student_comes_to_a_young_professors_office_hours/
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A woman stopped me in my tracks.

She said, "You wouldn't know where the nearest hospital is?"
"That is correct." I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42uig8/a_woman_stopped_me_in_my_tracks/
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I like my women how I like my coffee

without another man's penis in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42uhnq/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A Muslim started a line of sex toys ...

He specializes in blow up dolls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42uh2n/a_muslim_started_a_line_of_sex_toys/
%
How does NASA organize a party

They planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ufcm/how_does_nasa_organize_a_party/
%
What did the guitar and banjo name their daughter?

Amanda Lynn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42uf71/what_did_the_guitar_and_banjo_name_their_daughter/
%
Why did the spy cross the road?

Because he was never on your side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42u630/why_did_the_spy_cross_the_road/
%
Why do most men hate Russian dolls?

Because they're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42tzek/why_do_most_men_hate_russian_dolls/
%
I've been dating a homeless girl

So I've been dating this homeless girl.
Things are getting pretty serious.
She asked me to move out with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42tx2b/ive_been_dating_a_homeless_girl/
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What's the difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser?

Depth perception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42tqs3/whats_the_difference_between_a_brown_noser_and_an/
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NEW BULL

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42tpz7/new_bull/
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Did you hear about the guy who had writers block?

He stopped writing and it was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42tjg2/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_had_writers_block/
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If Hitler made a Microphone company...

...it'd be called "The Third Mic".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42tg7u/if_hitler_made_a_microphone_company/
%
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer...

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42tdyt/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer/
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Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia

Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42t9cy/just_found_out_my_alcoholic_uncle_is_into/
%
Why did the blonde stare at the Ford?

It said Focus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42t5xh/why_did_the_blonde_stare_at_the_ford/
%
People in India must really enjoy sandwiches.

I heard there were almost 250,000 people in a new deli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42t4nx/people_in_india_must_really_enjoy_sandwiches/
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A $20 bill and a $1 bill meet in a bank.

The $1 bill asks, "You look well traveled, where have you been since you were printed?"
"Oh, I've been all over the place. I spent some time in Vegas hitting the blackjack tables and buying expensive drinks, then I traveled through Southern California visiting the fanciest restaurants I could find, went on several cruises around the world, and now I've ended up here. You look well traveled yourself, where have you been?"
"Oh I've been all over the place like you, but mostly in churches."
The $20 bill says, "What's a church?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42t0e6/a_20_bill_and_a_1_bill_meet_in_a_bank/
%
One of my ancestors invented the glove

Well, he had a hand in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42t08z/one_of_my_ancestors_invented_the_glove/
%
two fish in a tank. one says to the other...

**how do you drive this thing?**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42svry/two_fish_in_a_tank_one_says_to_the_other/
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[Corny] Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ssaq/corny_why_didnt_the_toilet_paper_cross_the_road/
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It's mayhem in the kitchen, and two chefs are at each other's throats over a botched order....

"I told you the manager wanted cod seasoned with parsley!" yelled the first chef, brandisihing a butcher's knife.
"Well I told you that he wanted mackerel seasoned with paprika!" yelled the other, grabbing a pan of hot oil.
At that point the manager walked in holding a plate, just as both chefs were about to murder each other.
With a look of utter disgust at the dish he was holding, he said "I don't know what you two are fighting about, but this is neither the thyme nor plaice!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42smrw/its_mayhem_in_the_kitchen_and_two_chefs_are_at/
%
Massive explosion at a French cheese factory, first responders say cause is still unknown.

All that was left was de brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42sib9/massive_explosion_at_a_french_cheese_factory/
%
I finally took the pledge and became a vegan!

Don't worry though, I won't be the kind that tells everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42sf6l/i_finally_took_the_pledge_and_became_a_vegan/
%
My doctor told me I am anorexic

Now I have that to deal with on top of being fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42s9ft/my_doctor_told_me_i_am_anorexic/
%
My jokes are like my home improvement projects.

They are all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42s9c7/my_jokes_are_like_my_home_improvement_projects/
%
So this girl comes home pregnant.

Her mom's like, "What the shit? How'd you get all knocked up like this? Who's the dad?"
And she's like, "Mom, you've got it all wrong, it's a school project about the miracle of life!"
Mom's like, "Bitch you betta tell me who that bump's father is!"
The daughter just cries and is all like, "I don't know, mom! It was a group project!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42s5yk/so_this_girl_comes_home_pregnant/
%
I have two requests for my funeral

1) be scattered at Disney Land
2) not to be cremated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42rtnm/i_have_two_requests_for_my_funeral/
%
I have an EpiPen...

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42rpty/i_have_an_epipen/
%
First they came for the communists

And I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a socialist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I am not a Jew.
Then they came for the blacks, but I did not speak out because I was not black.
Then they came for the Arabs, but I did not speak out because I am not Arab.
Then they came for the transgendered, but I did not speak out because I am not transgender.
Then they came for the feminists, but I did not speak out because I am not a feminist.
Then they stopped coming for anyone because all the problems were pretty much gone at that point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42rfhm/first_they_came_for_the_communists/
%
Someday, my prince will come.

I hope it's soon, my arm's tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42rf5l/someday_my_prince_will_come/
%
Selling racist jokes at $1 per person...

... or 60 cents for black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42rehh/selling_racist_jokes_at_1_per_person/
%
What does the fat cow give you?

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42rdzw/what_does_the_fat_cow_give_you/
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Someone's written an album about thermometers...

I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42rao2/someones_written_an_album_about_thermometers/
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John Cena woke up from a coma

John Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: ICU
John Cena: No you don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42r97c/john_cena_woke_up_from_a_coma/
%
I like my jokes like I like my sex life...

... quick and unsatisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42r6r4/i_like_my_jokes_like_i_like_my_sex_life/
%
Why are homosexuals usually so pale?

Because there's no light in the closet.
P.S: No, I'm not homophobic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42r6o6/why_are_homosexuals_usually_so_pale/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.... and the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
DONALD TRUMP: We should build a wall so the chicken can't cross the road.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42r6fr/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer..

But no one will do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42r1zk/ive_spent_the_past_four_years_looking_for_my/
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Why do robots make bad boyfriends?

They just screw, nut, then bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42qwuj/why_do_robots_make_bad_boyfriends/
%
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line....

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42qvsp/i_was_at_my_bank_today_waiting_in_a_short_line/
%
What's the difference between Oscar the grouch and a grouch at the Oscars?

Ones green and the other is black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42qvn9/whats_the_difference_between_oscar_the_grouch_and/
%
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42qsbn/i_found_myself_in_a_pub_in_cork_ireland/
%
Someone stoly my Microsoft Office

And they're gonna pay. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42qoco/someone_stoly_my_microsoft_office/
%
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bag of shit?

The bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42qf5g/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_a/
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I was doing so well getting over my viagra addiction...

But I couldn't keep it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42q0zw/i_was_doing_so_well_getting_over_my_viagra/
%
I think my neighbor is stalking me...

I saw her googling my name through my telescope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42q0zt/i_think_my_neighbor_is_stalking_me/
%
The butcher's wife always messes up everyone's order.

We call her Miss Steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42q0nm/the_butchers_wife_always_messes_up_everyones_order/
%
Drunk man in a church

A drunken old man staggers into a Church, enters the confessional box, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk man just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “ there ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42pysk/drunk_man_in_a_church/
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Dads are like boomerangs

I hope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ppe7/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
%
What is the name of a taxi service for bears?

Ubear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42pi2g/what_is_the_name_of_a_taxi_service_for_bears/
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Scientist have created five monkeys with autism.

They were promptly made mods of r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42phx0/scientist_have_created_five_monkeys_with_autism/
%
A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.  The bartender looks at the steering wheel and asks, "Doesn't that bother you?"  The pirate responds, "Yar it's driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ph8m/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do tall people and black people have in common?

They have no one to look up to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42pd7r/what_do_tall_people_and_black_people_have_in/
%
My favorite workout is a mix between a lunge and a crunch,

I call it lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42pbem/my_favorite_workout_is_a_mix_between_a_lunge_and/
%
What's the difference between US Politics and WWE?

one is a predetermined charade that takes a tremendous amount of willingness to suspend disbelief
the other is pro wrestling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42pbax/whats_the_difference_between_us_politics_and_wwe/
%
A guy buys his first motorcycle...

The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting. A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house. Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break. After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her. Silence. Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table. Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance. The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket. "OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42paeo/a_guy_buys_his_first_motorcycle/
%
Guy goes to the doctor to get some viagra...

Doctor: "No, last time I gave you some you threw your back out"
Patient: "Doc, you dont understand. I got two girls coming over tonight."
Doctor: "All right, but you better not come in tomorrow complaining about your back"
The guy comes back into the doctor's office the next day.
Doctor: "See I knew you'd throw your back out"
Patient: "No doc, my back's fine. The girls never showed up, but I threw my shoulder out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42p900/guy_goes_to_the_doctor_to_get_some_viagra/
%
What's the difference between Snowmen and Snow women?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42p8g8/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snow/
%
So my wife just hit me with a "mom joke".

She says, "oh look, there's whiteout conditions in Washington D.C. I bet Will Smith is gonna boycott"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42p2u0/so_my_wife_just_hit_me_with_a_mom_joke/
%
What do you call a well-endowed Asian man?

Hung Lo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42p15x/what_do_you_call_a_wellendowed_asian_man/
%
Oh Susie.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42p05p/oh_susie/
%
Practical thought:

A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42owih/practical_thought/
%
Time to start a race war. Which race is superior?

Come on guys. Daytona 500 or Indianapolis 500?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ow40/time_to_start_a_race_war_which_race_is_superior/
%
Why is Darth Vader black?

Because he left his son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ouyt/why_is_darth_vader_black/
%
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of it's paws, a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42otc1/what_is_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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Girl and an atheist on a plane

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ostk/girl_and_an_atheist_on_a_plane/
%
Two midgets are sitting around, bored...

When one of them pulls out some weed and asks:
"Wanna get medium?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42orxn/two_midgets_are_sitting_around_bored/
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What's the difference between a cow and 9/11?

America can't milk a cow for 14 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42op9n/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_911/
%
Where do polar bears go to deposit money?

A snowbank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42oh88/where_do_polar_bears_go_to_deposit_money/
%
A blonde and a brunette were sitting outside on a porch....

... The brunette notices her husband approaching her with flowers. The brunette says: "Oh great, flowers. Looks like I'll be on my back with my legs spread open all weekend."  The blonde says: "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ogsx/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_were_sitting_outside_on_a/
%
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42oe2s/as_a_couple_gets_into_bed_the_husband_starts_to/
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A man like me is hard to find.

I trim maze hedges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42odgm/a_man_like_me_is_hard_to_find/
%
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator was opened?

"Close that damn door! Can't you see I'm dressing??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ocic/what_did_the_mayonnaise_say_when_the_refrigerator/
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What do you get when you push a piano out of the second floor window of an elementary school?

A flat minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ob6h/what_do_you_get_when_you_push_a_piano_out_of_the/
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In which state does the Mississippi river flow?

Liquid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42oayi/in_which_state_does_the_mississippi_river_flow/
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Classic Rocky and Bullwinkle pun

On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police.
There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town's leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered herring by a falling safe.
"It's a common enough means of death for cartoon characters," Fenwick opined. "Every year, we lose five or six citizens to falling safes. But this time, it was no accident. This time, it's murder!"
He showed Feghoot the ingenious deadfall trap rigged to rain financial ruin on an unsuspecting victim. Bullwinkle's antlers were still entangled in the tripwire. Grasped tightly in one hand was a small statue of a Hindu god.
The dead quadruped's best friend, Rocky the flying squirrel had been with Bullwinkle at the time of his death, but when questioned by Feghoot, the distraught rodent said all he could remember was seeing a rabbi fleeing the scene upon a pogo stick.
Fenwick immediately issued an APB for the rabbi.
"You're wasting your time, Fenwick," said Feghoot grimly, as he stood from his examination of the body. "The rabbi has been framed. When you find him, he will tell you of some elaborate ruse that induced him to be on a pogo stick at this time and place."
"How do you know that, Feghoot?" asked the Inspector.
"This is the work of the Christmas Killer," Feghoot declared. "I have been on the trail of this fiend for years, and I fear that we might never catch him. Every December, he arranges one of these grisly messages."
"Look! Didn't you notice the smile on the victim's face? The corners of his mouth have been propped up... by these!" He displayed two toothpicks he had taken from Bullwinkle's mouth.
"I still don't see how you know the murderer is the Christmas Killer," said Fenwick.
"Isn't it obvious?" Feghoot asked. "Wee Vishnu, a merry crushed moose, and a hoppy Jew near."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42o9ct/classic_rocky_and_bullwinkle_pun/
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Little Johny

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Johnny says " Mas-ter-bate."
Ms Hall smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Hall, you're thinking of a blowjob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42o6xp/little_johny/
%
Why are gangstas afraid of the rain?

Cuz they roofless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42o24k/why_are_gangstas_afraid_of_the_rain/
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I like my women how I like my old bike...

... chained up in the shed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42o1p5/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_old_bike/
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What's the difference between me and a calendar?

the 14th of february the calendar will have a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42o0hm/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_a_calendar/
%
What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42nzj4/whats_the_stupidest_animal_in_the_jungle/
%
What do your cell phone settings and anal bleach have in common?

They both change your ring tone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42nypm/what_do_your_cell_phone_settings_and_anal_bleach/
%
Hey girl, are you the big bang?

Cause you're pretty hot, but very dense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42nrq8/hey_girl_are_you_the_big_bang/
%
Why is it easier to pick a prime minister than any other leader?

Because there's only 2 factors involved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42nr50/why_is_it_easier_to_pick_a_prime_minister_than/
%
"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42n9zf/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
%
I like my women how I like my salad dressing

Extra Virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42n8pt/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_salad_dressing/
%
What did I do when I had a bomb strapped to me chest?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42n3bu/what_did_i_do_when_i_had_a_bomb_strapped_to_me/
%
What did Dorothy do to the mean Asian Munchkin?

She swallowed the yellow prick's load.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42n0ov/what_did_dorothy_do_to_the_mean_asian_munchkin/
%
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves!

No, I'm just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42mwai/what_did_the_boy_with_no_hands_get_for_his/
%
I married a chinese millionaire

Ka Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42msgg/i_married_a_chinese_millionaire/
%
My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick

Especially since his name is Steve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42mob3/my_boss_hates_when_i_shorten_his_name_to_dick/
%
Why do the best swimmers come from Flint, Michigan?

Because they're always in the lead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42mo5a/why_do_the_best_swimmers_come_from_flint_michigan/
%
Why is the ocean salty?

Because the land doesn't wave back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42mmgz/why_is_the_ocean_salty/
%
Three guys are in a hospital waiting room

Each of them has a wife in labor and is anxiously awaiting the arrival of their bundle of joy.  The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations...your wife has given birth to twins!"  The man says, "Wow, that is such a blessing.  Twins!  Imagine that!  You know what's funny, though?  I work for the Minnesota Twins, so that's kind of a coincidence!"
Five minutes later the nurse returns and says to the second guy, "Congratulations!  Your wife was carrying triplets, and they are all healthy...two boys and a girl!"  The man is thrilled.  "Triplets!  Imagine that!  Wow, two boys and a girl!  You know what's funny, though; I work for 3M, so that's kind of a coincidence!"
The third man then suddenly reaches for his coat and starts to head for the exit.  Confused, the nurse says, "Wait a minute!  Your wife is in labor...don't you want to stay and be with her??"  The guy replies, "No way.  Forget it.  I'm outta here.  I'm a truck driver for 7up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42mmcf/three_guys_are_in_a_hospital_waiting_room/
%
What do you call a guitar that has completely changed parts?

Trans-Fender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42mj8e/what_do_you_call_a_guitar_that_has_completely/
%
Somebody asked Hillary Clinton if she would be going to see 13 hours...

She said no, she had already slept through that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42mi05/somebody_asked_hillary_clinton_if_she_would_be/
%
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

You follow his FRESH PRINTS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42m6k1/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_a_snow_storm/
%
What's the difference between the Denver Broncos and a lottery ticket

One has a better chance of getting struck by lightning than winning, the other is a lottery ticket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42m4pq/whats_the_difference_between_the_denver_broncos/
%
Russian history in five words

...and then it got worse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42m22f/russian_history_in_five_words/
%
My girlfriend likes golden meteor showers

(I have kidney stones)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42lyd9/my_girlfriend_likes_golden_meteor_showers/
%
Who's the roundest knight at King Arthur's court?

Circumference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42llgj/whos_the_roundest_knight_at_king_arthurs_court/
%
A timid little man was seated in the window seat of an airplane next to a scowling brute of a guy.

The little man was terrified of flying, and as soon as the plane took off, he felt sick. But his seatmate was fast asleep, and he couldn't figure out how to get past him to go to the bathroom. And then it was too late; he got sick all over the big guy. As he frantically wiped up the mess, careful not to wake the giant, the brute's eyes flew open. The timid man smiled and said in a shaky voice, "Feeling better now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42lig5/a_timid_little_man_was_seated_in_the_window_seat/
%
Why don't German pessimists eat pork....

They always fear the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42lhd6/why_dont_german_pessimists_eat_pork/
%
What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42l5vo/what_is_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/
%
Retailers have pulled all the Darth Vader toys from their shelves...

Apparently they are a choking hazard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42kzrv/retailers_have_pulled_all_the_darth_vader_toys/
%
Why did the scarecrow earn an achievement award?

He was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42kzd0/why_did_the_scarecrow_earn_an_achievement_award/
%
A man was walking his dog

through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42kx6f/a_man_was_walking_his_dog/
%
Table manners

Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42kpll/table_manners/
%
A homosexual, a Pedophile and a Priest walk into a bar

The bartender asked him what he would like to drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42knqh/a_homosexual_a_pedophile_and_a_priest_walk_into_a/
%
What is the similarity between a psychologist and a prostitute?

They both take your money for stuff a good friend would do for free, however they are better at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42kdz0/what_is_the_similarity_between_a_psychologist_and/
%
Get me a drink

DAD: Son, get me a drink.
SON: Coke or Pepsi?
DAD: Coke.
SON: Diet or regular?
DAD: Regular.
SON: Can or bottle?
DAD: Bottle.
SON: Small or large?
DAD: Godammit! Just get water!
SON: Mineral or tap?
DAD: Mineral!
SON: Cold or room temp?
DAD: I'll beat you!
SON: Stick or belt?
DAD: Your'e an ass!!!
SON: Donkey or Jack?
___________________________________________
EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42k8js/get_me_a_drink/
%
A hard worker got a promotion.

Thats the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42k7xn/a_hard_worker_got_a_promotion/
%
I used to get sad when the leaves fell from the trees...

But then they always grew back, so that was a releaf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42k7ox/i_used_to_get_sad_when_the_leaves_fell_from_the/
%
Two Chefs get in an argument,

And they split the kitchen right down the middle.
One Chef has the oven and fridge on his side, and the other has the freezer, a spice rack, and a microwave on his.
So the first Chef looks at the other and says
"What are you gonna do? You can't cook anything in a microwave, you're finished."
The second Chef looks over and tells him
"I have thyme on my side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42k6ec/two_chefs_get_in_an_argument/
%
Women used to always call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make.

Now they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42k45m/women_used_to_always_call_me_ugly_until_they_find/
%
Why were piggy banks made?

To keep the Jews away from the money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42k13j/why_were_piggy_banks_made/
%
Why did people make white chocolate?

So black kids could get dirty faces too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42k12f/why_did_people_make_white_chocolate/
%
No matter how hard you push the envelope it's still stationary.

thanks dad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42k0vf/no_matter_how_hard_you_push_the_envelope_its/
%
Would you be my eyes for me?

HUSBAND: Darling, if I lost my sight, would you be my eyes for me?
WIFE: Of course I would sweetheart.
HUSBAND: If I lost my hearing, would you be my ears?
WIFE: Absolutely honey.
HUSBAND: If I lost my legs would you push me in a wheelchair?
WIFE: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?
HUSBAND: I just sprained my wrist.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42jy3f/would_you_be_my_eyes_for_me/
%
I asked my Indian father for a PS3

He said "No beta, it's pronounced PH.D."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42jw6q/i_asked_my_indian_father_for_a_ps3/
%
Daiquiris

Every Friday, the doctor goes down to Dick's bar and orders a daiquiri - but no just any daiquiri - he prefers them to be made with chicory root.
One Friday, Dick runs out of chicory, and he looks around frantically. He finds a jar of hickory, and he thinks, "Well, they do SOUND the same..."
The doctor comes in and orders the usual, but he stops mid-sip.
"Is this a Chicory Daiquiri, Dick?"
"No, it's a Hickory Daiquiri, Doc!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42jqxq/daiquiris/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the Fresh Prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42jnfg/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
I used to be square but then I gave my self to a higher power...

Now I'm stuck in this cubical all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42jk5a/i_used_to_be_square_but_then_i_gave_my_self_to_a/
%
I was a baker when I was in the army.

When I went to war, I went in all buns glazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42jh0k/i_was_a_baker_when_i_was_in_the_army/
%
What type of car would the Hamburglar drive?

A Hamburghini.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42jd41/what_type_of_car_would_the_hamburglar_drive/
%
Irishman and a gorilla

Irishman got a job at the zoo, after two weeks there one of the keepers said to him "Would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?" He said "On three conditions; I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or family to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42jc20/irishman_and_a_gorilla/
%
A boy in a kitchen is struggling to open a yogurt

"Godamn-shit-fuck!" the boy says in his frustration.
"I wonder where he got that from?" the mother says to the father.
"Probably from the fridge, you silly cunt" the father replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42jc1j/a_boy_in_a_kitchen_is_struggling_to_open_a_yogurt/
%
What is Hitler's least favorite candy?

Jujubes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42j73g/what_is_hitlers_least_favorite_candy/
%
How do you know if you're a necrophiliac?

You get mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42j6vg/how_do_you_know_if_youre_a_necrophiliac/
%
What department store is named after the things jews hate the most and love the most?

JC Penney.
^I'm ^^going ^^^to ^^^^hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42j6rx/what_department_store_is_named_after_the_things/
%
I was offered sex today...

...with a 21 year old girl, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available scented lemon or vanilla.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42j6pw/i_was_offered_sex_today/
%
I asked my dad who the favourite child was.

"Ask your brother," he replied.
"Where is he?" I asked.
He said, "Buried in the garden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42j2lk/i_asked_my_dad_who_the_favourite_child_was/
%
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42j0rr/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_three_holes_in_the/
%
How do you get a little old lady to say the "F" word?

Yell bingo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42iycw/how_do_you_get_a_little_old_lady_to_say_the_f_word/
%
What do you call Israelis that overly spray tan?

Orange Jews!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42iut5/what_do_you_call_israelis_that_overly_spray_tan/
%
'What will communism be like?' Russian joke

One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, "What will it be like once we have built communism?". The Party man replied, "The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. "Comrades", he said, "We have built communism at last!"
Not OC, found a post from 3 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42iurg/what_will_communism_be_like_russian_joke/
%
I heard Plexiglass coffins are making a comeback, but...

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42iulo/i_heard_plexiglass_coffins_are_making_a_comeback/
%
What do you call 2 lambs dating?

A relationSHEEP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ikqg/what_do_you_call_2_lambs_dating/
%
A teenager got his driver's license...

...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.
The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."
One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm proud of you. You have brought your grades up and studied the Bible every day. But you still haven't gotten a haircut!"
His son said, "Dad, in my studying of the Bible, I found that many great people had long hair. Samson had long hair. Moses, Noah, and John the Baptist had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."
His father said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ik4m/a_teenager_got_his_drivers_license/
%
I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex

She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ihx3/i_told_my_wife_i_wanted_to_try_anal_sex/
%
What is the definition of diplomacy?

The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42iat2/what_is_the_definition_of_diplomacy/
%
What do you call a superfluous elephant?

Irelephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42i8bg/what_do_you_call_a_superfluous_elephant/
%
I went swimming in the Black Sea

It stole my trunks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42i0hh/i_went_swimming_in_the_black_sea/
%
My wife worships me

She puts burnt offerings in front of me everyday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42hzfh/my_wife_worships_me/
%
Stop calling me a Karma Whore

I'm a Karma Escort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42hz9g/stop_calling_me_a_karma_whore/
%
Jesus walks into a bar...

and orders a water. Bartender says "Not this shit again Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42hvq5/jesus_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What is the frat guy's favorite ion?

Bromide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42hv8q/what_is_the_frat_guys_favorite_ion/
%
Despite having no nominations this year,

I'm certain that black folks will clean up at The Oscars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42htua/despite_having_no_nominations_this_year/
%
An old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42htbw/an_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor_and_says/
%
My chemistry blew up

Oxidants happen....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42hrje/my_chemistry_blew_up/
%
DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic.

When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42hq5a/dj_khaled_has_just_declined_a_role_in_his/
%
My girlfriend is the best hooker in the country

All her fellow rugby players agree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42hpmk/my_girlfriend_is_the_best_hooker_in_the_country/
%
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes two doctors and a nurse to get it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ho8a/how_many_gay_guys_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A couple goes to see a marriage counselor

A man and a woman, having been married for 20 years, go see a marriage counselor to work out their problems. They get there, sit down, and almost immediately the wife starts naming every single problem they have had in their 20 years of marriage. She goes into detail about how her husband is not invested enough in their marriage, how he never gives her enough attention. After about an hour of this, the counselor gets up and walks around his desk, and proceeds to give the wife a long and passionate kiss. The husband sits there in shock, and the wife is rather dazed and taken aback by what had just occurred. The counselor sits down and turns to the husband and says "What your wife really needs is that right there, 3 times a week. Do you think you can do that?" The husband sits for a moment, thinking. He then says "Well... I can drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go fishing on Fridays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ho1g/a_couple_goes_to_see_a_marriage_counselor/
%
Have you heard about the new Scientologist car?

It's  got cruise control...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42hhi7/have_you_heard_about_the_new_scientologist_car/
%
whats the difference between girl M&M's and boy M&M's?

Boy M&M's have nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42hfa5/whats_the_difference_between_girl_mms_and_boy_mms/
%
I was at work trying to come up with a joke about drills bits...

...but they were all too boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42hf3i/i_was_at_work_trying_to_come_up_with_a_joke_about/
%
A new manager was hired....

The new manager walked all around the factory, inspecting his workers, when he came to a room where he saw someone slacking off, leaning against the wall. The manager hid behind a few pipes and watched the employee for 5 minutes.
The person didn't move a muscle, so the manager aproached him and ordered him to get into the manager's office.
"What is your name?" Asked the manager.
"Steven," he replied.
"And how much do you make in a week?"
"I make about 400 dollars."
the manager pulls out 400 and hands it to him.
"Here's this week's pay, now get out of here and never let me see you again!"
Steven then gets up and goes away.
Realizing he needs a replacement, the manager then walks up to a random worker and asks him: "that guy, Steve, who just left, what does he do around here?"
"Oh Steve?" Replied the worker, "that's the pizza delivery man!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42h9y6/a_new_manager_was_hired/
%
How does a Rabbi make tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42h78y/how_does_a_rabbi_make_tea/
%
My wife's cooking is incredible!

With a silent 'cr'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42gveg/my_wifes_cooking_is_incredible/
%
The Egyptian man became a bone doctor...

They called him a Cairopractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42grf5/the_egyptian_man_became_a_bone_doctor/
%
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42gj8b/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
%
What do you call the field of study for dad jokes?

*Sigh*ence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42gcfr/what_do_you_call_the_field_of_study_for_dad_jokes/
%
Sarah Palin and Donald Trump served PB&J sandwiches at his last political rally

because if you go to one of those, you're not allergic to nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42g8tt/sarah_palin_and_donald_trump_served_pbj/
%
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42g6o7/several_men_are_in_the_locker_room_of_a_golf_club/
%
A boy who couldn't hear, smell, taste or feel punched me in the head yesterday.

I told him "there was no need for senseless violence"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42g3rm/a_boy_who_couldnt_hear_smell_taste_or_feel/
%
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42g2ze/what_happened_when_the_semicolon_broke_grammar/
%
A space heater...

would have to be huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42g168/a_space_heater/
%
Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42fvq6/monica_lewinsky_has_released_the_following/
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I was walking through an arts and crafts shop when I saw a sign saying, "Glue Sticks."

I thought, "No shit..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42fuqh/i_was_walking_through_an_arts_and_crafts_shop/
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A boy's dad died in a tragic accident

Boy is sitting in his room crying his eyes out and weeps to himself
-I'm so devastated...
Then an otherworldly ghostly voice replies
-Hi devastated, I'm dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42frxo/a_boys_dad_died_in_a_tragic_accident/
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My ex got me arrested

cause I used to sit outside her house all day.
She thought I was stalking her but i wasn't, i just had her WiFi code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42fml8/my_ex_got_me_arrested/
%
Why was it so hot in the stadium after the game?

Because all the fans left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42fij2/why_was_it_so_hot_in_the_stadium_after_the_game/
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Why does Karl Marx not take milk in his tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42fdyr/why_does_karl_marx_not_take_milk_in_his_tea/
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What is white on the top and black on the bottom?

Society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42fbou/what_is_white_on_the_top_and_black_on_the_bottom/
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Someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42f9qs/someone_in_new_york_gets_stabbed_every_52_seconds/
%
A little girl told her mother "Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up!"

The mother answered "Well make up your mind, sweetheart".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42f8hl/a_little_girl_told_her_mother_mommy_i_want_to_be/
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What does a woman get every month that lasts 3-5 days?

Her husband's salary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42f3t2/what_does_a_woman_get_every_month_that_lasts_35/
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I always thought air was free

Until I bought a bag of chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42exmx/i_always_thought_air_was_free/
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[NSFW] Wendy

A newly married man decided that he loved his new wife so much, that we was going to get her name, Wendy, tattooed right on his penis. After several grueling hours, the tattoo was done. But to his surprise, the tattoo only said "WY".
"But my wife's name is Wendy!" Said the husband. To which the tattoo artist replied, " of course! The tattoo says her full name, but it only becomes visible when you get an errection. When you are not aroused, only the first and last letters are visible.
Several weeks later, the couple went on their honeymoon to Jamaica. While at the resort, the husband entered the public bathroom. While at the urinal, a resort employee stood next to him doing his business as well. After glancing, the husband noticed the letters "WY" on the man's penis.
"Are you staring at my dick, mon?" Asked the resort employee
"Pardon me! I didn't mean to stare!" Said the husband. "But if I may ask, is your wife's name Wendy?"
"What? No, mon. What are you talking about, mon?"
"Well I noticed the tattoo on your penis. I have a tattoo of my wife's name, Wendy, on my penis. yours looked the same as mine, that's all." Explained the husband.
"Oh. No, mon." Said the employee, "my tattoo says 'Welcome to Jamaica, non! I hope you are having a fantastic trip at our resort. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to improve your visit with us. Have a nice day'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42et9k/nsfw_wendy/
%
A dad goes to the mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42erz9/a_dad_goes_to_the_mall/
%
Did this ever happen to you?

A plane was flying over the Pacific Ocean, filled with businessmen. Suddenly, one of the engines gave out, and the plane began to lose altitude. The flight attendant told the passengers to stay calm, it would not be a crash landing, but they would be lost in the ocean, and may never be found.
Upon hearing this, one man began to laugh. They asked him, "Why are you laughing?" He said, "I owe the IRS $45,000. They'll find me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ek5n/did_this_ever_happen_to_you/
%
Wife came home 3 hours late from a party

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise".
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed home. Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my huaband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict withe him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos  MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him, "Midnight"... He didn't seem pissed in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why he replied, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said, 'oh, shit'. Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ek2n/wife_came_home_3_hours_late_from_a_party/
%
Two people were standing in line at the movie theater...

This guy was standing in line at a theatre when the guy standing behind him started to knees and massage his shoulders and he turned around and said, "what the hell are you doing?"
The other man replied, "I am a masseuser and I need to practice my craft."
The first man said, "yeah? Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me f'king the guy in front of me, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ejth/two_people_were_standing_in_line_at_the_movie/
%
Why can't Ewoks yell and scream in the house?

They have to use their Endor voices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42edjs/why_cant_ewoks_yell_and_scream_in_the_house/
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How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42e9fe/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_open_a_beer/
%
A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of the road

They hold up a sign that reads,
"The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells,
"You guys are crazy!" and shakes his head in disbelief as he speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires, and then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should put up a sign that says 'Bridge out of order' instead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42e8zs/a_priest_and_a_pastor_are_standing_by_the_side_of/
%
I phoned my work this morning...

I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."
He said, "You have a wee cough?"
I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42e4lh/i_phoned_my_work_this_morning/
%
What do you call it when sodium touches chlorine?

A salt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42e1hy/what_do_you_call_it_when_sodium_touches_chlorine/
%
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar..

They both sit at the bar and start drinking..8 pints later...
the giraffe falls down drunk
The bartender says "You better not leave that lying there"
The man says "Thats not a lion, thats a giraffe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42e0qi/a_man_and_a_giraffe_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I was having trouble settling into my new house, so I went to a therapist

He said I have an apartment complex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42dzj6/i_was_having_trouble_settling_into_my_new_house/
%
A mouse and an elephant are strolling through the woods

, enjoying each other’s company, when, all of a sudden, the elephant gets stuck in the mud. “Oh no!” he cries to his friend, the mouse. “I’m stuck. Help me, please.”
“Don’t worry,” says the mouse. “I know exactly what to do: I’ll go home, get my BMW, drive it back here and I’ll tow you out of this mud.”
The mouse scurries home, climbs into his BMW, drives it back to the woods, throws a rope around the elephant and drags him out of the mud.
“Thank you!” the elephant sighs with relief. “How will I ever repay you?”
“I’m sure someday you’ll think of something,” the mouse replies.
The pair continue through the woods, trading stories and sharing laughs, when, all of a sudden, the mouse finds himself stuck in the mud. “Oh no!” he shrieks to his friend, the elephant. “I’m stuck. Please help me as I helped you.”
“Don’t worry, dear mouse,” the elephant replies. “I know precisely what to do: I’ll unfurl my colossal cock and you can climb all the way up it to safety.” The elephant takes a moment to himself and then drops his throbbing erection into the mud. The mouse grabs onto the head of his friend’s huge organ, scales the considerable length of the shaft (with enough girth to provide an amply wide path), jumps onto the elephant’s back and slides down his trunk to safety. The mouse and the elephant then walk out of the woods together and live happily ever after.
And the moral of this story is: you don’t need a snappy car if you’ve got a big dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42dz8c/a_mouse_and_an_elephant_are_strolling_through_the/
%
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42dykz/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country?

He was Snowden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42dxh7/why_could_edward_not_leave_his_driveway_and_get/
%
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42dwu5/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
If I had a nickel for every racist thing I've ever said

I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42dunh/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_racist_thing_ive_ever/
%
What's the difference between a Fig and a Fig Newton?

A Fig Newton is Force sensitive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42dtv3/whats_the_difference_between_a_fig_and_a_fig/
%
What do you call a dinosaur made of plastic bricks?

A legosaurus!
Randomly made up this the other night, thought I'd share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42dppn/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_made_of_plastic_bricks/
%
TIL you can determine the sex of an ant by dropping it in water

Sinks - girl ant
Floats - boy ant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42dosq/til_you_can_determine_the_sex_of_an_ant_by/
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Sweet Young Boy

One day, a boy named Tom got on a very crowded bus.
Sitting opposite him was a fat lady who said, "If you were a polite young man, you'd let someone sit down."
"If you were a polite lady," Tom replied, "you'd let FOUR people sit down!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42dlpp/sweet_young_boy/
%
What's the advantage to fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42dj65/whats_the_advantage_to_fingering_a_gypsy_on_her/
%
Why did the Redditors like when a tornado hit a fence?

There was a lot of reposting to do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ddka/why_did_the_redditors_like_when_a_tornado_hit_a/
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A committee has narrowed the search for a name for the newly hypothesised 9th planet.

It's between Urpenis and Urvagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42dbvv/a_committee_has_narrowed_the_search_for_a_name/
%
Does anybody know a rad trigonometry joke?

Please don't go off on a tangent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42d1fi/does_anybody_know_a_rad_trigonometry_joke/
%
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.  "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"  The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42d0jb/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for/
%
Languages

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first American turns to the second and says,
“Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42d010/languages/
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boss want to have sex with secretary

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast.  I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.  Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."  So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?  She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42cwys/boss_want_to_have_sex_with_secretary/
%
Communist jokes are not funny...

unless everyone gets them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42cs0m/communist_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
The bartender says: Sorry, we don't serve faster-than-light particles here

A tachyon walks into a bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42cq5l/the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve/
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Why can't astronauts stay in a long term relationship?

They need space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ckzl/why_cant_astronauts_stay_in_a_long_term/
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How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Simple! Just kick his sister in the jaw!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42cfd6/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
%
Why are dentists really good hackers?

Because they always get root access.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42cec1/why_are_dentists_really_good_hackers/
%
A companies CEO is hosting a lavish party...

A companies CEO is hosting a lavish party, and in his backyard there's an Olympic length swimming pool with living crocodiles in it (obviously it's just there for display). Jokingly the Boss comments "Anybody who's got enough balls to swim the length, and survives can have anything of mine they want!" after some laughter and continued conversation they hear a splash, and see the company treasurer swimming for his life. By some miracle he makes it to the other side without losing any limbs. The boss was initially joking, but now he doesn't want to go back on his words. "You've got guts ma' boy, so what is it that you want?" the boss asks. Amid rapid gasping breaths, the treasurer says, "Just tell me who's the Jackass that pushed me in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42cdv7/a_companies_ceo_is_hosting_a_lavish_party/
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Q: How many geeks does it take to ruin a joke?

A: You mean nerd, not geek. And not joke, but riddle. Proceed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42cdaa/q_how_many_geeks_does_it_take_to_ruin_a_joke/
%
I grew up in a rough part of town...

The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42cct2/i_grew_up_in_a_rough_part_of_town/
%
Why does mexico never win the Olympics?

because all the fastest runners, jumpers, and swimmers make it to the US.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ccf7/why_does_mexico_never_win_the_olympics/
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People who live in Flint should drink gasoline.

It's cheaper than the water and guaranteed unleaded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42c3ks/people_who_live_in_flint_should_drink_gasoline/
%
How do you offend a white person?

Tell them they can't make racist jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42c1cr/how_do_you_offend_a_white_person/
%
Why did the libertarian chicken cross the road?

That's none of your damn business. Is he being detained?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42bxw1/why_did_the_libertarian_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
There's a nudist convention in my town next weekend

I might go if I've got nothing on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42bwwg/theres_a_nudist_convention_in_my_town_next_weekend/
%
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for a double entendre...

So he gives it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42bs86/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bar_tender/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They'll just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42bkkw/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
What did Skrillex say to his SO on Valentine's day?

I wub you.
(I'm *so sorry* it's like one in the morning I'm tired.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42axr4/what_did_skrillex_say_to_his_so_on_valentines_day/
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A group of grade 5 students were comparing dick sizes

Amongst the group, the black kid had the biggest penis size in the group.
The black kid went home pretty confused and asked his cousin "Dude, compared to my friends, I had the biggest dick. Is it because I'm black?"
The cousin replied "No dude, it's because you're 18 years old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ar9b/a_group_of_grade_5_students_were_comparing_dick/
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Women are like the Call of Duty games.

If you play them for too long, you'll end up alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42aq0o/women_are_like_the_call_of_duty_games/
%
At a conference for the arcane and supernatural...

The speaker is interested in the supernatural experiences that the audience members may have been through. "Raise your hand if you have ever seen a ghost" About 80% of the audience raises their hand. "Great" says the speaker "now keep your hand raised if you have spoken to a ghost"  Half of them lower their hands. "Ok this is good, now has anyone here had any actual physical contact with a ghost"? Only about ten people still have their hands raised, the excitement of the speaker is palpable "Now, has anyone here ever made love to a ghost"? All hands go down, except for one guy right up the back of the auditorium. "WOW that is amazing sir, please could you come up on to the stage". The man slowly makes his way to the stage, slightly nervous about the attention he is getting. "Sir could you please tell us what that experience was like, to make love to a ghost"? The man edges closer to the microphone and says "ghost? I'm sorry I thought you said GOAT"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ap6b/at_a_conference_for_the_arcane_and_supernatural/
%
What do you call 5 black people having sex?

A threesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42aj2i/what_do_you_call_5_black_people_having_sex/
%
My lesbian friend gave a me a Rolex for my birthday.

I don't think she understood when I said: "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ae1z/my_lesbian_friend_gave_a_me_a_rolex_for_my/
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What do you call a fake spaghetti?

An impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42aano/what_do_you_call_a_fake_spaghetti/
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Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42a3zl/fart_football/
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A stock market crash is worse than a divorce.

You lose half your money and your wife is still around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42a3sc/a_stock_market_crash_is_worse_than_a_divorce/
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How to avoid clickbait?

clearly, you wouldn't know...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42a140/how_to_avoid_clickbait/
%
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Only occasionally does something retarded come out of her vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42a0z7/whats_the_difference_between_sarah_palins_mouth/
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So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/429uwk/so_why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/429qrg/the_teacher_asked_jimmy_why_is_your_cat_at_school/
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Suicide Hotline

Did you hear the government moved the suicide-hotline call center to the middle east to save money?
I called to talk to someone and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/429pk3/suicide_hotline/
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What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

I don't know. He still hasn't opened his gifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/429p9b/what_did_the_boy_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away

Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/429jbs/upon_hearing_that_her_elderly_grandfather_had/
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No more gay jokes.

Cum on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/429gxo/no_more_gay_jokes/
%
A man tried to sell me a casket today..

I told him that's the last thing I need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/429e7a/a_man_tried_to_sell_me_a_casket_today/
%
Why did the lemon turn green?

Because he had lime disease

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/429daj/why_did_the_lemon_turn_green/
%
Why are crime rates down in the US?

Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/429d35/why_are_crime_rates_down_in_the_us/
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A drunk man

is questioned by a police officer at midnight,  asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"
Man: "My Wife"!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/429bmm/a_drunk_man/
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How many black Oscar nominees would it take (compared to white nominees) to satisfy the boycotters?

Three-fifths as many seems like a generous offer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4294bo/how_many_black_oscar_nominees_would_it_take/
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Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you.

"I never graduated college" he said. "All the money you gave me, I spent it on booze. I've been living a lie!"
"what about your job?" The mother asks.
"A lie. I don't have a job. I don't have anything. I'm homeless!"
The father steps forward. He clenches his fists. The mother says "No, honey please". His face gets red, his eye twitches. Then he steps closer, unable to restrain himself any longer.
"HI HOMELESS, I'M DAD!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42949l/mom_dad_i_have_something_to_tell_you/
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Female Viagra has been around for years...

It's called money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/428z92/female_viagra_has_been_around_for_years/
%
Why can't women explain feminism to men?

Because they need a man to do it for them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/428whk/why_cant_women_explain_feminism_to_men/
%
Why is Jesus terrible at hockey?

He keeps getting pinned to the boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/428vnx/why_is_jesus_terrible_at_hockey/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/428vl2/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/428vdy/how_do_you_measure_a_snake/
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Why did I quit my job in Mexico?

It didn't peso well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/428ouw/why_did_i_quit_my_job_in_mexico/
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My wife has the body of a porn star...

..which is kind of creepy and takes up a lot of room in the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/428j9r/my_wife_has_the_body_of_a_porn_star/
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I dropped my glasses in the toilet today.

Now everything looks like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/428fs4/i_dropped_my_glasses_in_the_toilet_today/
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What do you call a cheap vasectomy?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42887y/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_vasectomy/
%
A man goes to the hospital with 6 plastic horse up his butt.

The doctors described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4284k4/a_man_goes_to_the_hospital_with_6_plastic_horse/
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What do you call a female deer that hangs out outside of a pickle factory?

A dill-doe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4282fj/what_do_you_call_a_female_deer_that_hangs_out/
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Man visits doctor to get test results. [Irish Humour]

Paddy is having a chat with his doctor about some recent tests that Paddy had.
The doctor turns to Paddy and says 'I've got good news and bad news.'
'Go on', said Paddy.
'The good news is you have 24 hours to live', the doctor said.
The doctor is now visibly sweating which only makes Paddy worse as well.
The doctor hesitantly delivers the bad news:
'The bad news, Paddy, is that I should have told you yesterday.'
;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/427bug/man_visits_doctor_to_get_test_results_irish_humour/
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My password is pussy

Because most hackers don't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4278he/my_password_is_pussy/
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What's the relationship between the pound, the dollar, and the ruble?

A pound of rubles is worth one dollar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4276lx/whats_the_relationship_between_the_pound_the/
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Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?

Because if they had four doors they'd be called chicken sedans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/427514/why_does_a_chicken_coup_only_have_two_doors/
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What's your best pick up line?

Cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/426zu7/whats_your_best_pick_up_line/
%
How many lead guitarists does it take to change lightbulb?

One. He just stands there with the lightbulb and the whole world revolves around him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/426zr7/how_many_lead_guitarists_does_it_take_to_change/
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A little boy and a clown are walking in the deep, dark, woods.

The little boy says, "Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy." The clown replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/426yvs/a_little_boy_and_a_clown_are_walking_in_the_deep/
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What do you get from 3 girls from Arkansas?

Damn near a whole set of teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/426u0f/what_do_you_get_from_3_girls_from_arkansas/
%
Einstein wrote a theory about Space...

It was about time too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/426pvx/einstein_wrote_a_theory_about_space/
%
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"...

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we call you the people.
The nanny, we will consider her the working class
And your baby brother, we will call him the future
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy
So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother asleep
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the working class while the Government is sound asleep. The  people are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/426k1s/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks_what_is/
%
Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:
Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.
Son: Why is that funny?
Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?
Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.
Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone back.
Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.
Mom: WTF!
Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?
Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.
~
Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?
Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.
Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/426jj0/mom_your_greataunt_just_passed_away_lol/
%
My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful

Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”
His reply: “I can only dream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/426iyw/my_11yearold_grandson_spent_a_beautiful/
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An 80-year-old goes to the doctor

An 80-year-old goes to see his doctor and have routine tests.
The doctor gets the results and asks his patient about his sexual life.
The old man gets excited and starts telling his doctor about his amazing 20-year-old girlfriend he's been having sex with.
Shocked, the doctor responds: "Sir, I must warn you, at this point, any kind of sexual activity could be fatal!"
The man, looking serious, thinks about it for a minute, then replies: "Well then, if she dies... she dies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/426hhh/an_80yearold_goes_to_the_doctor/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants

The bartender says, "Are you aware there is a steering wheel in your pants?"
Which the pirate replies, "Err, and it's driving me nuts!"
EDIT to fix layout and to say kind of NSFW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/426gut/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose.

You might think it's funny, but it's snot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/426get/dont_kiss_your_wife_with_a_runny_nose/
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What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 4 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/426g52/whats_7_inches_long_and_hasnt_been_sucked_in_over/
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Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/426esp/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
%
I was feeling down the other day, so I threw some bleach over my Muslim friend...

I thought it'd lighten Mahmood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/426a9w/i_was_feeling_down_the_other_day_so_i_threw_some/
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Magic vibrator

A businessman needs go out of town for work. His wife is a sex addict and cannot go more than a day without sex. Fearing that she will cheat on him, he decides to buy a toy for her to keep her occupied while he is away. He goes to the nearest sex shop. He tells the sex shop owner about his wife. The shop owner says, "my friend I have just the thing for you." He grabs something from the back and says, "This is a magic vibrator." The businessman looks skeptical so the shop keeper yells out, "magic vibrator, the door!!" And the magic vibrator flys out of the box and proceeds to fuck the door until the door breaks in half. The businessman is impressed and buys it. He brings it home to his wife and tells her to use it while he is gone. On the first day while the businessman is away the wife gets horny and decides to give the magic vibrator a try. She yells out, "magic vibratory, my pussy!" It works, the magic vibrator flys out and fucks her pussy hard. She orgasms over and over again! She decides she's had enough, however, she then realizes that she doesn't know how to turn it off. She calls her husband but he does not answer. She tries yelling several different commands but nothing works. It becomes unbearable and she decides to go to the ER. While driving she starts to swerve as the vibrator continues to make her orgasm over and over again. A cop sees this and pulls her over. He says to her, "lady, you're swerving all over the place!" She looks at him in tears and explains what's happening. The officer doesn't believe her. He just shakes his head and says, "magic vibrator my ass!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4267l8/magic_vibrator/
%
Scientists have invented a new device called the hyperbole chamber.

It is the greatest and best thing ever since the dawn of civilization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4261x7/scientists_have_invented_a_new_device_called_the/
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Two sisters inherit a ranch...

Two sisters, a blonde and brunette just inherited a ranch. They thought that the ranch looked a little empty so they wanted to buy a bull, and together they had $500 to spend. The brunette found an ad in the paper that had a healthy bull for sale for $499, and together they decide to buy him. The brunette then goes off to inspect the bull and after being satisfied with the bull, the brunette needed her sister to come pick the animal up. She had to send a telegram to her sister telling her to come with a trailer to get the bull. The telegrams cost $1 per word. The brunette thinks for a minute and decides on the word comfortable. The telegram guy asked "Why comfortable?" "Because my sisters a blonde and she will read it slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/425z0e/two_sisters_inherit_a_ranch/
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What did Ben Franklin call his pee hole?

Urethra Franklin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/425yc3/what_did_ben_franklin_call_his_pee_hole/
%
Mario recently broke up with Peach. His reason:

"It's not a-you, It's a-me, Mario."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/425wba/mario_recently_broke_up_with_peach_his_reason/
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If I had no emotions,

I don't know how I'd feel about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/425kmn/if_i_had_no_emotions/
%
I'm Hungary

Timmy: I'm Hungary,
Mum: Why don't you Czech the fridge.
Timmy: OK I'm Russian to the kitchen.
Mum: Hmmm.. may be you'll find some Turkey.
Timmy: Yeah but its all covered in Greece. yuck!
Mum: There is Norway you can eat that.
Timmy: I know, I guess I'll just have a can of Chile
Mum: Denmark your name on the can.
Timmy: Kenya do it for me?
Mum: OK, I'm Ghana do it.
Timmy: Thanks, i'm so tired Iran for an hour today
Mum: It Tokyo long enough.
Timmy: yeah Israelly hard sometimes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/425hwu/im_hungary/
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My girl said she need distance and time

Still dont know what she's trying to calculate the velocity of...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/425fj0/my_girl_said_she_need_distance_and_time/
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Identifying Bubba

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician.
"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/425dcc/identifying_bubba/
%
To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookie Cookies".

They were a little on the Chewy side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42590c/to_celebrate_star_wars_we_baked_some_wookie/
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Deaf At The Hotel

A deaf couple on their honeymoon spend all day traveling and then check into a tall fancy hotel late in the day. They get to the room, only to realize they've forgotten the champagne. The guy signs that he'll run out and get some. So he drives to the store and grabs the best bottle he can find. As he gets out of the car back at the hotel, he realizes that he's forgotten which room he's in. Thinking for a second, he gets back into the car and blows the horn nonstop for a good 20 seconds. All of the lights in the hotel light up.....................except 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4257yh/deaf_at_the_hotel/
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If I had a dollar for every time I overexaggerated

I'd have, like, a billion dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4255tu/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_overexaggerated/
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Today I lost my virginity for a dollar

I wish I didn't bend down to pick it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42550g/today_i_lost_my_virginity_for_a_dollar/
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Two Blondes meet up for coffee...

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to.
"I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night", she said.
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42504p/two_blondes_meet_up_for_coffee/
%
Did you know condoms had serial numbers?

I guess you've never had to roll it down that far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/424zp0/did_you_know_condoms_had_serial_numbers/
%
A teacher asks her student

Teacher: What does a Bee gives us?
Student: Honey
Teacher: What does a cow gives us?
Student: Milk
Teacher: What does a fat pig gives us?
Student: Homework

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/424vfx/a_teacher_asks_her_student/
%
What goes, "Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop..." ?

An Amish drive-by shooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/424u4g/what_goes_clip_clop_clip_clop_clip_clop_clip_clop/
%
How do you find a blind man in a nudist camp?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/424t64/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_camp/
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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/424sv3/a_couple_both_age_78_went_to_a_sex_therapists/
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What do you call it when you talk to God?

Praying.
Now what do you call it when God talks to you?
Schizophrenia, it's called schizophrenia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/424rhp/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_talk_to_god/
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I just finished making a belt out of watches.

It was a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/424qfn/i_just_finished_making_a_belt_out_of_watches/
%
I would tell you a FedEx joke...

but you'd probably wouldn't receive it until a week or so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/424nd0/i_would_tell_you_a_fedex_joke/
%
One morning Jake sees his friend, John, playing tennis with Djokovic... and defeating him!

Surprised, he waits for John to finish the game and asks him:
-  John, I didn't know you were so good at tennis, why didn't you tell me?
-  Well, I wasn't any good, but I caught a gold fish in the pond near our house and it fullfilled a wish for me. You can go and try to catch it yourself, if you wish, but be careful, it's almost deaf, yell your wish loudly.
Skeptical, Jake goes fishing. Sure enough, he catches the gold fish, and the fish asks him what's his wish. Surprised, because he wasn't really expecting it, he looks around and says - "see that shed near my house? Fill it with gold!". Fish says ok and disappears.
Excited, Jake goes to the shed ... only to find it empty, but with the walls full of mold. Disappointed, he goes to his friend John to complain... to which, John says:  "I told you to be loud. What, do you think that I wanted my *tennis* to be the best in the world?"
(disclaimer: translated joke. I did my best to preserve the word-play in english)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/424m6c/one_morning_jake_sees_his_friend_john_playing/
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A father has 4 sons in his house. 3 have a PhD, but one is a robber. Why won't he kick out the robber?

Because he's the only one making money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/424b6a/a_father_has_4_sons_in_his_house_3_have_a_phd_but/
%
A Kindergarten teacher brings her class varies samples of meat...

She passes the first sample out, the students eat it, and asks,  "Does anyone know what that was?"
She chooses a student and he says that it's steak.
"Good!" She passes out the second sample and asks if they know what it was.
A student yells, "It's chicken!" "Good, very good."
She passes out the final sample, they eat it, and she asks them once more what it is.
However, the class is silent. She says, "I'll give you a hint. It's what your mother calls your father when he comes home from work."
A student in the back suddenly yells, "Spit it out! It's an asshole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42465k/a_kindergarten_teacher_brings_her_class_varies/
%
I remember my first time using a condom

I was 15 or so and I went out to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was inexperienced. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to put it on. I said, ‘No, this is my first time.’
Next thing I knew, she opened the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She warned me to make sure it was secure and to leave excess rubber on the tip. She noticed that I was still confused so she checked the store to see if there was no one around. The coast was clear.
'Just a minute', she said while walking towards the door to lock it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’, she asked.
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and threw it on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ I climbed on her and it was so wonderful; but unfortunately, I was unable hold it back and next thing I knew: KAPOWWWWW. I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4242n1/i_remember_my_first_time_using_a_condom/
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How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer
(I heard we're doing pirate jokes today)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4240lr/how_much_does_a_pirate_pay_for_corn/
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This damn button keeps popping off my keyboard...

I swear I am about to lose fucking Ctrl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/423rno/this_damn_button_keeps_popping_off_my_keyboard/
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A chicken farmer...

went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "Hmmm, what a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"Hmmm, what a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Hmmm, what a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"Hmmm, what a coincidence," she said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/423fql/a_chicken_farmer/
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I didn't think Miss Hilton could consume all those painkillers at once, but wow!

Paracetomol!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/423dgw/i_didnt_think_miss_hilton_could_consume_all_those/
%
What do you call a teacher who doesn't flatulate in public.

A private tutor.
-Credits to my cousin ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/423bzi/what_do_you_call_a_teacher_who_doesnt_flatulate/
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A good looking girl waved at me today…

but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4239or/a_good_looking_girl_waved_at_me_today/
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I was offered sex today.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4238rr/i_was_offered_sex_today/
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What's another term for anal bleaching?

Changing your ring tone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4238b8/whats_another_term_for_anal_bleaching/
%
Funny one-liner that George Carlin once wrote.

“I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4233gm/funny_oneliner_that_george_carlin_once_wrote/
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What did the nihilistic sea world trainer say to his boss?

"There is no porpoise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4232i3/what_did_the_nihilistic_sea_world_trainer_say_to/
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one.  We're very efficient and not very humorous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4232bf/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What do you call a sacred, flammable piece of wood?

A match made in Heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/422yb2/what_do_you_call_a_sacred_flammable_piece_of_wood/
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I am a massive massive MASSIVE worrier.

I can't stress enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/422nt5/i_am_a_massive_massive_massive_worrier/
%
Two things you should never do:

1. Run with scissors
2. Scissor with the runs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/422lsf/two_things_you_should_never_do/
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So there's an innuendo competition on in town next weekend.....

I was thinking of entering my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/422k1y/so_theres_an_innuendo_competition_on_in_town_next/
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I named my son Gram

It's short for Grammar because he was supposed to be a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/422hn8/i_named_my_son_gram/
%
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She can fit into your wife's clothes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/422aah/how_can_you_tell_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
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A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma...

6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. And what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42280g/a_woman_who_is_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a/
%
A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants.  In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol.
The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo.
His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "What the hell? Why did you shoot this guy?"
The cop says, "What did you expect me to do? The guy drew a gun on me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42275h/a_police_officer_walks_into_a_tattoo_parlor/
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Dating a single mother:

It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42251x/dating_a_single_mother/
%
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4224lr/c_eflat_and_g_go_into_a_bar/
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If the police police police police, who polices the police police?

Police police police police police police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4221s6/if_the_police_police_police_police_who_polices/
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How do you tell who loves you more. Your wife or your dog?

Put both of them in the trunk of your car...drive around...open the trunk and see who is happy to see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4220fy/how_do_you_tell_who_loves_you_more_your_wife_or/
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Atoms are the biggest liars in the universe...

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/421yo8/atoms_are_the_biggest_liars_in_the_universe/
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A man and his wife are watching TV...

So this guy is sitting down with his wife of one year. He’s in charge of the remote and he keeps flipping back and forth between the fishing and porn channel. Fishing, porn, fishing, porn, fishing, porn… Eventually the wife has had enough and says “Look, just keep it on the porn channel, you already know how to fish!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/421p3q/a_man_and_his_wife_are_watching_tv/
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How come jokes about Blacks and Hispanics aren't funny?

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/421o3m/how_come_jokes_about_blacks_and_hispanics_arent/
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What's the difference between pussy and mashed potatoes

Mashed potatoes don't make their own gravy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/421n5i/whats_the_difference_between_pussy_and_mashed/
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My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair

, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/421moz/my_highschool_english_teacher_was_well_known_for/
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A Texan walks into an Irish pub...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/421kni/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_pub/
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A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.

So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.
The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.
The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/421jcq/a_couple_after_a_divorce_are_at_court_over_who/
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I Have a friend whose addicted to drinking brake fluid.

but he says he can stop anytime!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/421h2e/i_have_a_friend_whose_addicted_to_drinking_brake/
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Why do most Vietnamese people seem like male prostitutes?

Because they pay for everything with their Dongs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/421f2k/why_do_most_vietnamese_people_seem_like_male/
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Did you hear about the bird that lost all of its feathers in a volcano?

It was moltin'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/421dzw/did_you_hear_about_the_bird_that_lost_all_of_its/
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Anti-vaxxers hate Lil John

He's always promoting shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/421dhh/antivaxxers_hate_lil_john/
%
Wife comes home and finds her husband sipping coffee with another woman

She starts swearing at her husband immediatelly.
He stops her: ‘Don't shout at me, this woman has come to see you.’
‘Me? You cheating liar, I don't know her at all!’
‘OK, let me introduce you then. This is Carol, wife of your lover…’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4215tq/wife_comes_home_and_finds_her_husband_sipping/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women

Without a penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4214qh/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
What's a pirate's favorite explosive?

M80

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4211hf/whats_a_pirates_favorite_explosive/
%
What's the difference between people on Reddit and dead people?

Dead people had lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/420s8d/whats_the_difference_between_people_on_reddit_and/
%
What is the opposite of a protein?

An amateur teen ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/420pav/what_is_the_opposite_of_a_protein/
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What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/420p2h/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
Bert, the oldest guy at the company was retiring...

At his retirement party, as a surprise, a large cake was rolled out, and a sexy, scantly clad woman jumped out!  The woman called him over and whispered, "Hey there sexy, you want some super sex tonight?"
"Well", said Bert, "that depends, what sort of soup?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/420l6t/bert_the_oldest_guy_at_the_company_was_retiring/
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What does Disney and the porn industry have in common?

They both hire adults that look like teenagers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/420boo/what_does_disney_and_the_porn_industry_have_in/
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What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog? [nsfw]

At least when you are eating pussy, you can see the asshole infront of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4208va/whats_the_difference_between_eating_pussy_and/
%
Sarah Palin bought up all of Alaska's pancake mix

She's trying to keep her son from battering women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4204q0/sarah_palin_bought_up_all_of_alaskas_pancake_mix/
%
I can sympathize with batteries.

I never get included in anything either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41zyms/i_can_sympathize_with_batteries/
%
A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41zx49/a_pregnant_teen_and_her_baby_is_thinking_the_same/
%
A man walks into a bakery right before closing time

And asks, "do you have any pita?"
The baker responds, "no, there's naan left."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41zp2z/a_man_walks_into_a_bakery_right_before_closing/
%
Why are black people unable to get a PhD?

Because they can't get past their masters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41zjoa/why_are_black_people_unable_to_get_a_phd/
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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41zj53/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
%
A man walks into the doctors with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum

The doctor takes a look and says "God, looks like you've got a problem there." the patient replies "this is just the tip of the iceberg!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41zho4/a_man_walks_into_the_doctors_with_a_piece_of/
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Top 13 facts you NEVER knew about non-conductors.

#7 won't shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41zeq8/top_13_facts_you_never_knew_about_nonconductors/
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Blonde

A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password."The problem is that whenever I type password,it just shows stars,"she says."Those asterisks are to protect you."the Help Desk technician explains,"so if someone were standing behind you,they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah,"she says,"but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41z3oa/blonde/
%
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41z2al/c_eflat_and_g_go_into_a_bar/
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What did Sushi A say to Sushi B

WASSABI

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41yyyv/what_did_sushi_a_say_to_sushi_b/
%
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A washing machine won't follow you around after you dump your load in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41yxsk/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
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Yo Mama so poor...

...that when she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken she licks other people's fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ytp7/yo_mama_so_poor/
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What crawls up walls and scares the shit outta Jews?

Gas pipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ytgn/what_crawls_up_walls_and_scares_the_shit_outta/
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What do you call a peanut butter jelly sandwich in Flint MI?

Pb and j

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41yt65/what_do_you_call_a_peanut_butter_jelly_sandwich/
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I have a dog. He has no legs. I named him "Cigarette."

And everyday, I take him for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41yt39/i_have_a_dog_he_has_no_legs_i_named_him_cigarette/
%
*Knock knock* "Who's there?" "Madame." "Madame who?"

Madame foots stuck in the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41yr9f/knock_knock_whos_there_madame_madame_who/
%
What type of trees do chickens grow on?

Poul-trees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41yq5r/what_type_of_trees_do_chickens_grow_on/
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Future rap name: 50 Bitcoin

That's all, the punchline was in the title; however, this sentence is here to comfort you and let you know that it's totally normal that you clicked to see if there was anything else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ypi5/future_rap_name_50_bitcoin/
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Why did Pavlov have extra soft hair?

Classical conditioning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ynt9/why_did_pavlov_have_extra_soft_hair/
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What is mostly white, dull, and wants to be popular?

This post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41yj80/what_is_mostly_white_dull_and_wants_to_be_popular/
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Two old jokes my dad told me

These are two jokes my dad used to tell me when I was a kid.
___________________
Unfortunately, a man fell out of an airplane.
Fortunately, there was a haystack below him.
Unfortunately, there was a pitchfork in the haystack.
Fortunately, he missed the pitchfork.
Unfortunately he missed the haystack.
__________________
A sailor comes up to his ship's captain, gasping for breath, trying to choke something out. After a minute of exasperated gasping, the captain finally says, "Spit it out lad!" And the sailor starts singing, "♪Oh the admiral's fallen overboard and now he's half a mile behind♪"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41yhvf/two_old_jokes_my_dad_told_me/
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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41yeo8/how_do_you_turn_a_fox_into_an_elephant/
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Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world is in shock.
-Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
-Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
-Latin American countries are sending clothing.
-New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
-The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
-Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
-President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41yehk/donald_trump/
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What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Society

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ydrh/whats_white_on_top_and_black_on_the_bottom/
%
A little boy skips school...

Grandpa: “Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!!”
Little Boy: “No you go hide because I told her you were dead!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41yd31/a_little_boy_skips_school/
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I bought my friend an elephant for his room

He said thanks
I said don't mention it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41yc3f/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_his_room/
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whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

...one is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ybj6/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
I walked past the pub the other day with my girlfriend, and they wouldn't stop calling me a paodophile just cause I'm 30 and she's 20

They completely ruined our 10th anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41y6kf/i_walked_past_the_pub_the_other_day_with_my/
%
Was the discovery of a new planet an accident?

or did they planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41y5fu/was_the_discovery_of_a_new_planet_an_accident/
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Old couple goes to a fast food restorant.

They order one burger and fries, sit down and divide the burger and fries. A man from table next to them sees that and asks politely: "If you want, I can buy some extra food for you." "No thanks, we are a old couple, we share everything." Time goes by and the man is eating, but the woman is not. From the table next to them, the man asks again:"I really have no problem buying you food." Man replies:"Dodnt worry about it, she will eat! We share everything" But the stranger is not happy with that and asks the woman:"Why are you not eating?" Woman looks at him and says:"I am waiting for the teeth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41y4zz/old_couple_goes_to_a_fast_food_restorant/
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When is a man smartest before, during or after sex?

During that's when he's plugged into the know it all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41y3ze/when_is_a_man_smartest_before_during_or_after_sex/
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What is the similarity between a pussy and the mafia?

One slip of the tounge and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41xzn8/what_is_the_similarity_between_a_pussy_and_the/
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I like my women like I like my coffee...

Ground Up and in the Freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41xq5m/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Why don't birds eat potato chips?

Because it RUFFLES their feathers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41xjxv/why_dont_birds_eat_potato_chips/
%
At what time does a dentist have the most business?

Tooth-hurty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41x5wk/at_what_time_does_a_dentist_have_the_most_business/
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Roma menstruation

Q. What's the best thing about a Gypsy on her period?
A. When you finger her you get your palm red for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41x31s/roma_menstruation/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41wlrq/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
%
Life is like a penis...

Long, simple, and relaxed. It's the women that make it hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41wh5q/life_is_like_a_penis/
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A Knight's Retinue

A knight and his page stop for the evening at an inn, a squire close behind. The knight calls for the women to come and service his men, as they've been riding long and hard all day and wish to continue in the same manner. Four girls enter the room and pair up with the men in turn, but the last two are forced to double up. As morning came, the girls found a few new problems with themselves.
"That knight had chlamydia!", shouted one.
"Well the squire had crabs!", shouted another.
The last two girls checked themselves in a hurry, but found no new afflictions.
"Wow," one said, turning to the other. "I'm glad we were on the same page."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41weob/a_knights_retinue/
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An old joke my dad used to tell me

One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered redneck. Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a challenge the redneck replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!"
Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.
They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it. So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the redneck walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.
The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell they took off.
The rich man decided to toy with the redneck and only shift up to second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. "What a waste of time." the rich man thought.
suddenly, RRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM!!! The pinto went roaring by.
"Whoa!" the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th gear to still give the redneck a sporting chance. Once again the pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror.
RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! To the rich man's surprise the pinto went flying by again!
"FINE!" The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view.
RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!! The pinto blew by him again, practically blowing the Ferrari's doors off.
Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as the redneck backed up next to his car.
"WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!" Shouted the rich man.
The redneck climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua and replied, "I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!!"
NOTE: I injured my hand last week so I couldn't type it all out, instead I just copied / pasted it from ebaumsworld, *but* it is a joke my dad used to tell me, so I wanted to share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41wbl1/an_old_joke_my_dad_used_to_tell_me/
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How do you know your girlfriend's getting fat?

She fits in your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41vxo3/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriends_getting_fat/
%
Little Timmy lived in Flint

But little Timmy is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was PbSO4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41vxbe/little_timmy_lived_in_flint/
%
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Only Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41vudp/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
what did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but saran wrap?

I can clearly see you're nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41vt5y/what_did_the_psychiatrist_say_to_the_man_wearing/
%
What happens when two bald men put their heads together?

They make an ass of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41vjo2/what_happens_when_two_bald_men_put_their_heads/
%
Why did EA cross the road?

BUY THE SEASON PASS TODAY TO FIND OUT!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41vhtr/why_did_ea_cross_the_road/
%
I like to observe people in lines.

I'm in Wait Watchers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41vhix/i_like_to_observe_people_in_lines/
%
You know why I no longer tell prison rape jokes?

Because someone usually gets butt hurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41v86k/you_know_why_i_no_longer_tell_prison_rape_jokes/
%
What type of clothing does a House wear?

Address.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41v6b6/what_type_of_clothing_does_a_house_wear/
%
Y'know what really brings out the inner child in you?

Abortion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41v69b/yknow_what_really_brings_out_the_inner_child_in/
%
Bathroom cleaner

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Harpic, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41v0y7/bathroom_cleaner/
%
A weird Ass French Party!

So, a french guy decides that he's going to have a themed masquerade party and everyone has to come dressed as an "emotion". The night of the party comes and he hears a knock at the door...
Host: Bonjour Pierre! You are all dressed in green. What emotion could you be?
Pierre: I am green with envy!
Host: Oh, very good! Welcome!
So he hears another knock at the door...
Host: Bonjour Paulette! You are all dressed in red! What emotion could you be?
Paulette: I am red with fury!
Host: Oh, very good, come on in!
15 minutes later, he hears another knock at the door...
Host: Bonjour Jacques!  You are all naked with a pear on your penis! What emotion could you possibly be?
Jacques: I am fucking in despair!
Host: Oh, very good...Welcum!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41uwrj/a_weird_ass_french_party/
%
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41uwbs/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_mobius_strip/
%
Why do gingers get sunburned so easily?

It's nature's way of telling us to lock them indoors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41usgd/why_do_gingers_get_sunburned_so_easily/
%
What do you call a Batman that leaves church early?

A Christian bail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41um04/what_do_you_call_a_batman_that_leaves_church_early/
%
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't overcome my poker addiction

but I think she's bluffing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ultt/my_wife_said_shell_leave_me_if_i_dont_overcome_my/
%
Who was the roundest member of Sir Arthurs round table?

Sir Cumference.
He at too much Pi.
He ate approximately 3.142 slices

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41uljv/who_was_the_roundest_member_of_sir_arthurs_round/
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What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41uj9d/whats_the_difference_between_john_wayne_and_jack/
%
My girlfriend dropped this on me after some Tex-Mex last night ...

"I'm chilly"
She steps closer and takes my hand
"Will you be my con queso?"
And before I could even respond ...
"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ugcy/my_girlfriend_dropped_this_on_me_after_some/
%
How many people with Alzheimer's did it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ucjb/how_many_people_with_alzheimers_did_it_take_to/
%
I once had a bad meal at a German restaurant.

It was guten-free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41uato/i_once_had_a_bad_meal_at_a_german_restaurant/
%
Yo mama so fat...

...she had an heart attack while running an app.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41u91c/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
What Do You Call It When Someone Has a Bad Experience With Weed?

Blunt trauma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41u8un/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_has_a_bad/
%
If a blind girl tells you your penis is massive...

...she's probably pulling your leg (great show by Jimmy Carr tonight)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41u4v3/if_a_blind_girl_tells_you_your_penis_is_massive/
%
What do refugees and black humour have in common?

They are crossing borders and some people feel offended by them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41u4k9/what_do_refugees_and_black_humour_have_in_common/
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There's an website you can use to see if your family is racist.

It's called Facebook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41u42n/theres_an_website_you_can_use_to_see_if_your/
%
A man goes to a library and asks for a book on Suicide

The Librarian says: Fuck off, You wont bring it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41u1sg/a_man_goes_to_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
%
What's the most popular fantasy book of all time?

The Bible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41u1pa/whats_the_most_popular_fantasy_book_of_all_time/
%
A Zoo Keeper gets raped by an Elephant

And he’s rushed to hospital for treatment.
The doctor examines him and asks why his bottom has been stretched out 10 inches when an Elephant’s erect penis is only 4ins wide.
Weeping, the man say's “The dirty bastard fingered me first”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41tzko/a_zoo_keeper_gets_raped_by_an_elephant/
%
Why can't Pakistanis play soccer?

Whenever they get a corner they set up a convenience store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41tudm/why_cant_pakistanis_play_soccer/
%
What's the difference between a condom and the congress?

You can only fit one dick inside a condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41torh/whats_the_difference_between_a_condom_and_the/
%
What do you call a sad coffee?

A depresso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41titf/what_do_you_call_a_sad_coffee/
%
What do you call El Chapo suffering from seizures?

Narcolepsy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41t6tw/what_do_you_call_el_chapo_suffering_from_seizures/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

If we stick together, we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41t5sn/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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Strange sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?
the monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later,
The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles When you find these numbers,
you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task.
Some 45 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says,
I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are
145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says,
The sound is right behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire,
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver,
topaz,
and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know end.
He unlocks the door,
turns the knob,
and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound
. . . .
. . . .
. . . .
. . . .
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not
a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41swjs/strange_sound/
%
Why did Goku cross the road?

Find out next time on Dragonball Z!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ssm7/why_did_goku_cross_the_road/
%
what so you call a white guy with a small penis?

cockasian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ss9x/what_so_you_call_a_white_guy_with_a_small_penis/
%
I ate too much alphabet soup and became consonated.

I was better after I evacuated my vowels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41skcd/i_ate_too_much_alphabet_soup_and_became_consonated/
%
Three men lived on top a cliff

One day, a god said to them, "my children, jump off the cliff, say what you want to become and you will."
The first man jumped and said "I want to be an eagle!" and thus became an eagle.
The second man jumped and shouted "I want to become a whale!" and thus became a whale.
Just as the third man was about to jump, he tripped over a rock. "Shit!" he exclaimed, and thus became a miserable turd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41sjsj/three_men_lived_on_top_a_cliff/
%
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41sjl1/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor

The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it.  "Read it?" he says, "I *know* the guy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41sjkc/a_polish_guy_goes_to_the_eye_doctor/
%
My wife said I lack empathy

I don't understand how she could feel that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41siih/my_wife_said_i_lack_empathy/
%
How did I escape Iraq?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41sgck/how_did_i_escape_iraq/
%
What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow?

Reality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41sfka/what_kind_of_tea_is_sometimes_hard_to_swallow/
%
What did 2 say to 3 about 6?

Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41sc2u/what_did_2_say_to_3_about_6/
%
A man is told to lay off a member of his staff

At a small company, a manager is told that, due to downsizing, he has to lay off someone from his staff. After much agonizing, he narrows his list down to two people. Not sure who to get rid of, he talks to his boss for advice.
"On one hand, Mary is a really great worker," he says. "But on the other hand, Jack is a single father and really needs this job to support his kids."
His boss replies, "I don't know what to tell you, why don't you just go ask them?"
So, when Mary comes into work, the manager goes to talk to her and says, "Listen, Mary, I've got a bit of a dilemma. I've got to lay you or Jack off."
And she responds, "You better jack off, I've got a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41sby8/a_man_is_told_to_lay_off_a_member_of_his_staff/
%
A man is driving his car along a dirt road...

when the car suddenly stops for no apparent reason. The man has the hood up and is looking at the engine, when he hears a voice behind him say:
"It's your carburetor. If you clean it, the car will start."
He looks around, but there is not a soul in sightin either direction. Then, he notices a white horse with its head over the pasture fence next to the road. The horse looks at him and says:
"It's your carburetor. If you clean it, the car will start."
The man does as he is told. He unscrews the wing-nut, takes out the carburetor and knocks it against his foot. Sure enough, a little dirt rolls and falls into the middle of the road. He gets back into the car, and it starts immediately as soon as he turns the key in the ignition. He rolls down the window, and says to the horse:
"Thank You."
"Oh, you're very welcome." replies the horse.
The man keeps driving until he reaches the first pub he can find. He gets out, goes to the bar, and starts downing drinks one after the other. Overcome with curiosity, the bartender finally comes over and asks the man if anything is wrong.
"Yeah, but you'd never believe if I told you." responds the man.
"Try me." said the bartender.
"Well, my car stopped out on this road. Ihad the hood up, and I was trying to figure out what was wrong, when suddenly I heard this voice behind me telling me that the carburetor was dirty. I looked up and down the road, but ther was no one in sight. Then, I noticed a white horse with his head over the fence. It turned out that the horse was actually doing the speaking. For sure, the most amazing thing I've ever seen!"
"Well, you got lucky." says the bartender.
"Lucky? I met a talking white horse and you say I got lucky?!" says the man.
"Yeah, you got lucky you met the white horse." answers the bartender, "There is also a black horse in that pasture, and he doesn't know shit about cars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41s66m/a_man_is_driving_his_car_along_a_dirt_road/
%
Why is sex like snow?

Because you never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41s4ge/why_is_sex_like_snow/
%
If a poison expires,

Will it be more poisonous or less poisonous?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41s449/if_a_poison_expires/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41s3e5/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
Why didn't the melons get married?

They cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41s1m0/why_didnt_the_melons_get_married/
%
What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors?

reptile disfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41rxit/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_chameleon_cant_change/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill 1 million Irish?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41rwud/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_1_million/
%
Priest and Pilot

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans.  Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
The guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.'
Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn.  He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list.  He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father.  'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.  How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.  'When you preached - people slept.  When he flew, people prayed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41rsl0/priest_and_pilot/
%
What did the toilet say when he was hitting on another toilet?

On a scale from one to ten, urinate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41rjth/what_did_the_toilet_say_when_he_was_hitting_on/
%
If a camera adds 10 pounds...

Do African children even exist?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41rbn6/if_a_camera_adds_10_pounds/
%
Last night I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor.

At first I was afraid. I was petrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41r654/last_night_i_was_visited_by_the_ghost_of_gloria/
%
How does the enthusiastic chef serve his burgers?

With relish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qzm9/how_does_the_enthusiastic_chef_serve_his_burgers/
%
Request for a months worth of jokes for a cancer patient.

A friend of mine will be in the hospital for a month because of her cancer treatments. We are telling her jokes to cheer her up and were hoping you could help, Thanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qzhk/request_for_a_months_worth_of_jokes_for_a_cancer/
%
A black man asks a white man where the colored printer is.

The white man smiles and says, "My friend, in this day and age, you can use any printer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qx23/a_black_man_asks_a_white_man_where_the_colored/
%
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One turns to the other and asks, "*does this taste funny to you?*"
The other responds, "*no.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qv3v/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/
%
Mickey and Minnie Split the Sheets

Mickey Mouse is in court, trying to get a divorce from Minnie... "Mr. Mouse", says the judge, "I'm afraid you can't get a divorce just because your wife is a little strange."
"I didn't say she was a little strange, I said she was fucking Goofy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qus2/mickey_and_minnie_split_the_sheets/
%
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly...

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Jack and Oscar.
The three men had always done everything together.
Jack arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Jack said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Jack said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Oscar in to confirm the identity of the body.
Oscar looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Oscar said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Oscar said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qt0l/stanley_died_in_a_fire_and_his_body_was_burned/
%
Baby, give me that couch..

.. cause I need some sectional healing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qt09/baby_give_me_that_couch/
%
Undressing

James is alone in the bedroom when his beautiful wife opens the door and walks in.
"James," she whispers, "Take off my shirt."
"James," she whispers, "Take off my bra."
"James," she whispers, "Take off my skirt."
"James," she whispers, "Take of my stockings."
"James," she whispers, "Take off my panties."
"James!" she screams, "Don't ever wear my fucking clothes again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qso2/undressing/
%
I told my sister I'm into incest

she took it really hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qp4f/i_told_my_sister_im_into_incest/
%
A scientist walked into a room that was -273°C

Don't worry though, he was 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qm82/a_scientist_walked_into_a_room_that_was_273c/
%
How many ears does Spock have?

A right ear, a left ear, and the final front ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qk2o/how_many_ears_does_spock_have/
%
Making the little things count, ...

...teaching midgets arithmetic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qjji/making_the_little_things_count/
%
A girl at my work is going to be having a baby.

I haven't decided which one yet though.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qjj4/a_girl_at_my_work_is_going_to_be_having_a_baby/
%
how many cops does it take to push a black man down stairs?

none, he "fell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qdzk/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
%
I found a tumor at Bingo last night.

It's okay. It was B9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qb7y/i_found_a_tumor_at_bingo_last_night/
%
My computer just said "Hello" to me

I think it's a Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41q282/my_computer_just_said_hello_to_me/
%
A hare, turtle, and a centipede ran out of beer at a party..

Wanting to keep the party alive the tortoise hands the hare 50 dollars and says, "Here, take this to the store and buy more booze." "Wait! The hare is way too drunk to go to the store." The centipede said. The tortoise says, "I'm not gonna waste anymore time! I will go." The centipede stops the tortoise before he leaves, "You can't go! You're too slow!" He says. The tortoise, who is now very annoyed, exclaims to the centipede, "Well how about you go!" And hands him the money. The centipede hastily rushes outside taking his jacket and shoes. Two hours later, the centipede has not returned. Now, the tortoise is very angry and decides to take matters into his own hands. He takes another 50 dollars and goes to buy the booze. He opens the front door and sees the centipede sitting right in front of him empty handed! "Where did the booze go!" He screamed. And the centipede says, "Hold on I'm still tying my shoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41pum8/a_hare_turtle_and_a_centipede_ran_out_of_beer_at/
%
I'm starting a combination Frozen Yogurt shop and news stand..

It will be called Froyo Information.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41pua0/im_starting_a_combination_frozen_yogurt_shop_and/
%
I ate a sausage earlier, and it didn't taste very nice

It was the wurst sausage I've ever eaten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ptv0/i_ate_a_sausage_earlier_and_it_didnt_taste_very/
%
Why do lesbians shop at Sport's Authority?

Because they don't like Dick's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ptla/why_do_lesbians_shop_at_sports_authority/
%
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41pqth/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
%
Isis isn't cool...

It's radical!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41poyd/isis_isnt_cool/
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[Announcement] Types of jokes we will begin banning from /r/jokes

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41pjvu/announcement_types_of_jokes_we_will_begin_banning/
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Pineapples

An Englishman, a Spaniard, and a Frenchman were on a ship headed towards the New World. On their journey, they encountered a bad storm, and were shipwrecked. They awoke and found themselves on an island, tied up and captives of a cannibal tribe.
The leader of the cannibals tells them that if they value their life, they can be released, but on one condition. Each of them has to run into the forest on the island, find ten fruits, come back and shove them up their ass without wincing, laughing, or otherwise making any sound. If they fail, they will be killed immediately.
So the Englishman runs into the forest, comes back with ten bananas and starts the deed. He manages to get one banana inside, and starts the second. Unable to stand the pain he screams and is promptly put to death.
The Spaniard then runs into the forest and runs back with ten berries and begins his trial. He manages to get one, two, three....seven......eight....nine...and then unexpectedly bursts out laughing. He is promptly put to death.
Up in heaven, the Englishman sees the newly arrived Spaniard and questions him “What happened? You were doing so well. You were almost a free man!!”
The Spaniard says “Yeah, I know; I really think I could have made it...but when I saw the Frenchman running back out of the forest with ten pineapples in his hands, I just lost it!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ph9v/pineapples/
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The Haunted Car

The hour is late, the streetlights have gone out, and it isn't the safest part of town on the best of nights. Jim the hitchhiker wants nothing more than to get out of there as soon as possible.
Suddenly, a pair of headlights appears through the misty gloom, and begin approaching him, silently and slowly. When the car reaches Jim, it stops momentarily. Without thinking, he jumps in and slams the door shut.
As the car starts moving again, Jim reaches over to thank the driver, when he realizes- *there is no one sitting in the driver's seat!*
Jim is paralyzed with fear. The car is moving at a steady pace, silently and driverlessly. As the car approaches a bend in the road, a pale hand reaches in through the window and twists the steering wheel.
The car proceeds through the empty streets in this manner. After a while, Jim manages enough wits and strength to fling the door open, jump out and run away from the car, not looking back once.
He finds a bar still open, and quickly orders a drink to calm his nerves. When questioned by the patrons on his shaken complexion, he tells them the chilling story.
As the crowd murmurs fearfully about the haunted car, the door slams open and two sweaty, tired looking men walk in. They their eyes scan the room. Suddenly, one of them taps the other on the shoulder, and exclaims:
"Hey, that's the asshole who jumped into our car when we were pushing it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41pg3z/the_haunted_car/
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Art Appreciation - Three Black Men (nsfw)

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at
a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black
men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises,
but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting
the painting and offered his personal assessment.  He went on for over half
an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African
Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed
out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural
and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would
you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery', asked the couple?
'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are
no African Americans depicted at all.  They're just three Irish coal miners.
The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41pev6/art_appreciation_three_black_men_nsfw/
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I got fired from the calendar factory...

just for taking a couple of days off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41pemn/i_got_fired_from_the_calendar_factory/
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why did the cyclops close his school

because he only had one pupil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41pdzk/why_did_the_cyclops_close_his_school/
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I just saw a man pick up a screaming child and take her to his van.

Man, kids are getting carried away these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41pd3j/i_just_saw_a_man_pick_up_a_screaming_child_and/
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A man backpacking in Europe...

Comes across a small village with no modern technology. It's starting to get dark so he asks a villager if he can stay the night. The villager agrees.
As the night goes on, the man gets bored and asks the villager if there is any way he can have a good time. *Wink wink*
The villager says "well there is Sven". The man thinks to himself "I'm not gay, but what the hell" and asks how much for Sven. To which the villager replies 400 euros.
The man says "wow that's alot! Sven must be very talented!" The villager replies "Well 100 goes to me because it's my house and I don't really like it happening"
The man says "well 300 euros is still pretty good for Sven." The villager says "Not exactly. 100 goes to the mayor. Because it's his village and he doesn't really like it happening"
The man says "200 euros still sounds like Sven is doing pretty good." The villager responds "Well no, the other 200 goes to Oleg and Frank". The man is confused and  asks why those two get the remaining 200.
The villager says "well its for holding him down. Because it's Sven's ass and he doesn't really like it happening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41pbg4/a_man_backpacking_in_europe/
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You can lead a horse to water,

but in Flint the water will be lead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41pa5h/you_can_lead_a_horse_to_water/
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A joke told by my Polish grandmother....

Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street.  One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."
The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down the street.  The first officer stands waiting for half an hour...an hour...two hours...finally after almost three hours, the second policeman comes back still holding the penguin.
The officer who stayed is exasperated, "What took you so long and why do you still have the penguin?  Was the zoo closed?"
"No," the second replied, "it was open.  We had a very nice time.  I'm think I'm going to take him to the movies now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41p6k1/a_joke_told_by_my_polish_grandmother/
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Go to Las Vegas

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, ''Fuck!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41p41n/go_to_las_vegas/
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Two blondes and a brunette are walking down the street...

Two blondes and a brunette are walking down the street when a bird poos on one of the blondes. The brunette says "I'll get some toilet paper" and runs off. The other blonde laughs and says, "what an idiot, the bird will be miles away by the time she's back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41p33o/two_blondes_and_a_brunette_are_walking_down_the/
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Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41p1ns/why_did_the_stormtrooper_buy_an_iphone/
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Did you hear about the old Italian chef?

He pasta way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41opp6/did_you_hear_about_the_old_italian_chef/
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What is the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patrick's Day?

St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41oayv/what_is_the_difference_between_martin_luther_king/
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[NSFW] My Wife Asked if we could do it like in the movies......

So I pushed her over the end of the sofa and lifted her dress, pulled her panties to the side and spat on her arsehole before shoving my cock in her, and when I was ready to cum ripped my dick from her arse and shot all over her face.
Apparently we watch different movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41o2ug/nsfw_my_wife_asked_if_we_could_do_it_like_in_the/
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I once saw an Arab on a flight....

I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41o1hx/i_once_saw_an_arab_on_a_flight/
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I met a girl in the park the other evening.

There was instant spark between us. She immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As I lay there, making love, I thought, "These taser guns are well worth the money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41nxj9/i_met_a_girl_in_the_park_the_other_evening/
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200 Crows Were Found Dead Near Boston

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority recently found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston. Everyone involved was concerned that these crows might have died from Avian Flu, so they had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows. To everyone's relief, it was determined that the problem was definitely not the Avian Flu. Instead, the cause of death looked to be from vehicular impacts.
During the detailed analysis of the crows, it was noted that there were varying colors of paints found on the birds' beaks and claws. By analyzing the paint residue, it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by the impact of trucks, and only 2% were from impact with a car.
The Massachusetts Turnpike Authority then hired an ornithological behaviorist to look into the cause for the disproportionate percentages of crows killed by trucks versus crows killed by cars.
The ornithological behaviorist came up with the answer very quickly. The cause? When crows eat roadkill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn the other crows of impending danger.
While all the lookout crows could say the word "Cah," none of them could say "Truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41nx4r/200_crows_were_found_dead_near_boston/
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41nt7o/how_many_mystery_writers_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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The Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I will explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier run by here?"
The nun replied, "Nope, not today sir, god bless you" After the Police ran the other direction the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, you see, I don't want to go to war in Iran." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope this isn't rude sister but you have a great set of legs!"
The nun replied "Well, If you had looked a little higher you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iran either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41nssl/the_nun/
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Couple went to Jerusalem...

And the wife died there..
Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you  $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100.
Man : I'll take the body home.
Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot...
Man : Nothing like that father.....
Just that Jesus was buried here......
and he came alive the third day...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ns0g/couple_went_to_jerusalem/
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What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer?

Ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41nmcu/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
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A man walks into his doctor's surgery and says "Doc, I'm experiencing some discomfort downstairs"

The Doctor takes a look and says "well I think I see the problem - you've got a steering wheel in your pants".
The man says "Thanks doc! It was driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41niwn/a_man_walks_into_his_doctors_surgery_and_says_doc/
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I like my women like my doughnuts...

...with a hole I can stick my dick into.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41n99k/i_like_my_women_like_my_doughnuts/
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Did you know that Ireland is the richest country in the world?

It's capital has been Dublin for a long time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41n61k/did_you_know_that_ireland_is_the_richest_country/
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So my sister took her Driver's Ed test today...

She thinks she failed. Part of the reason was because of this fill-in-the-blank question:
*If the ______ is dead, the car won't start.*
She put "driver" as her answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41n5j1/so_my_sister_took_her_drivers_ed_test_today/
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In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....

And sharks get a whole week.
It's probably because they are great whites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41mvmz/in_america_martin_luther_king_only_gets_one_day/
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What do you call a black person on the moon?

An astronaut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41mt7f/what_do_you_call_a_black_person_on_the_moon/
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What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ms3v/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_little_boy_when/
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Did you hear about the guy with 5 dicks?

...his pants fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41mmnz/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_5_dicks/
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What's the difference between raping and rapping?

One's mostly done by criminals in shady neighborhoods, and the other is sex without consent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41mlix/whats_the_difference_between_raping_and_rapping/
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I've recently had severe bowel incontinence, so I decided to consult my doctor before starting up a daily powerwalking routine...

When I asked how my condition will affect my walks, my doctor responded, "Nothing severe, but you never know when the walks will turn into the runs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41mieq/ive_recently_had_severe_bowel_incontinence_so_i/
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A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...

and says to them:
"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"
Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41mfwc/a_drunk_man_approaches_two_overweight_women_after/
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Gregor Mendel's wife asks him why he is always working so much.

He says: Bitch, peas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41md88/gregor_mendels_wife_asks_him_why_he_is_always/
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An Ukrainian fisherman catches the golden fish

The golden fish begs the fisherman to be released, and promises three wishes in return.
"For my first wish, I want all the Chinese to come here"
And so they do, and they eat the food, drink the water, pillage the villages, rape the women, and then leave.
"For my second wish, I want the Chinese to come here again"
They come again, eating what's left of the food, drinking what's left of the water, pillaging the villages and raping the women again. They leave.
"For my third and last with, I want the Chinese to come here again!"
"Uhm, are you sure?"
"Yes, I am!"
They come for the third time, eating whatever breadcrumbs they could find, drinking the last drops of water, pillaging the villages and raping the women again, and then they leave. The fish asks:
"Excuse my curiosity, but why did you want the Chinese to come here three times?"
"In order to come here three times they have to pass six times through Russia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41m648/an_ukrainian_fisherman_catches_the_golden_fish/
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My wife's cooking is incredible.

With a silent 'cr'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41m5ur/my_wifes_cooking_is_incredible/
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Two electricians are up on a pole

A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:
— Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?
The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:
— Told you it was the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41m4m3/two_electricians_are_up_on_a_pole/
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Did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?

There was de-brie everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41m1l3/did_you_hear_about_the_explosion_in_the_cheese/
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Some friars need to raise some money for some church repairs...

So they decide to start selling some of their flowers and make a little florist stand in front of the church. Eventually, they start making quite a bit of money, as everyone wanted to buy flowers from men of God. Because of that, however, the florist across the street started losing business, and wanted to put an end to the friars' little stand. At first, he tried asking them, which didn't work; who would want to give up a thriving business. The florist tried to then get the town to shut it down, but they declined as well. So, as a last resort, the florist looks for the biggest, baddest thug in town, Hugh Thomas, who proceeded to knock out the friars, putting them out of business. Moral of the story? Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41lzd1/some_friars_need_to_raise_some_money_for_some/
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I used to think that "Lacrosse"...

Was what the French called that thing that Jesus carried on his back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41lkwi/i_used_to_think_that_lacrosse/
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Whats the best part about a dead hooker

The second hour is free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41lefx/whats_the_best_part_about_a_dead_hooker/
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Before going to a party, my dad gave me a word of advice.

"I want you to stop drinking at midnight," he informed me.
"OK." I sighed, closing the door.
I came back home at roughly 3AM, opened the door and he was still awake.
"Alright papa!" I shouted.
"Papa?" he questioned, "You're drunk out of your head aren't you? I told you to stop drinking at midnight!"
"I did," I added, "But I carried on at 12:01."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41le72/before_going_to_a_party_my_dad_gave_me_a_word_of/
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What is the capital of Greece?

About 10 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ldce/what_is_the_capital_of_greece/
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Teacher: What is the formula for water?

Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.
Teacher: That’s not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41lbu0/teacher_what_is_the_formula_for_water/
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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41l7pc/a_big_earthquake_with_the_strength_of_81_on_the/
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How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41l4l0/how_many_microsoft_executives_does_it_take_to/
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Two soldiers are walking through the desert...

And a scorpion crawls up on one of the Tim's leg and stings him right in the dick. Johnny calls the base and asks to talk with the medic. He tells him what happened to Tim and asks what the best course of action would be. Since the base is far away, the medic tells Johnny that he has to suck the venom out of the wound before it spreads. Tim asks: "What did the medic say?"
Johnny says: "He says you're gonna fucking die"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41l2xx/two_soldiers_are_walking_through_the_desert/
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My daughter is starting to ask embarrassing questions about sex.

Just yesterday she asked: "Is that the best you can do?"﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41l1kx/my_daughter_is_starting_to_ask_embarrassing/
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Interviewer to me: what is your weakness? I replied : Honesty.

Interviewer : But Honesty is not a weakness that's a good thing.
I replied: I do not give a fuck what you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41kz5n/interviewer_to_me_what_is_your_weakness_i_replied/
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There was a documentary on TV about animal abuse.

I felt lonely watching it by myself, so I made my dog watch it with me.
Whether he wanted to or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41kytt/there_was_a_documentary_on_tv_about_animal_abuse/
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The National Shredded Cheese Council just endorsed Donald Trump for president...

They're ready to make America grate again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ksn8/the_national_shredded_cheese_council_just/
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I walked up to a guy in the gym.

I said, "How do you use this piece of equipment?"
"It's pretty simple," he replied, "Just push the button and it dries your hands..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ks3e/i_walked_up_to_a_guy_in_the_gym/
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Air tragedy in Newfoundland...

A two-seater single engine Cessna 152 crashed in foggy conditions near the Gander airport, crashing into the nearby cemetery.
Newfie rescue squads have recovered 385 bodies so far, and that number is expected to climb as digging continues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ko4r/air_tragedy_in_newfoundland/
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I like my women like how I like my White House...

No Bush!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41kmga/i_like_my_women_like_how_i_like_my_white_house/
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I don't like damp things

For the moist part

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41kjc6/i_dont_like_damp_things/
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Tell me why this is funny?

I heard it on the radio where all involved laughed and I've since found it on the internet but I'm still none the wiser? Here goes:
Man goes in to a hardware store and asks the owner for a tin of blue paint.
The owner replies  I'm very sorry I only have red paint.
The man says that's fine I have my bike outside.
Am I a bit thick or is this a shit joke??  All I can deduce is he's saying he can go elsewhere or the hardware store owner can borrow his bike to get the paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41kic3/tell_me_why_this_is_funny/
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NBC is contemplating a new TV series titled "Airline Tragedies."

They are putting the pilot together right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41kia5/nbc_is_contemplating_a_new_tv_series_titled/
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What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne waits until a boy is 13 to come on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ki23/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_priest/
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Mad Cow Disease

So two cows are talking in a field, The first cow says "hey man, you worried about this mad cow disease that is going around?" The second cow says "Naw bro, I'm a helicopter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41kfiq/mad_cow_disease/
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Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we killed the one who had a dream.
Happy MLK day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41kev5/why_do_black_people_only_have_nightmares/
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What car transmission do Mexicans use?

Manuel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41kdwp/what_car_transmission_do_mexicans_use/
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A guy walking down the street

begins to hear a bunch of people chanting twelve! twelve! twelve!.  He finds a hole in the fence next to him to try and see what is going on.  When he looks through the hole , he gets poked in the eye.  Then he hears thirteen!  Thirteen!  Thirteen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41k9nl/a_guy_walking_down_the_street/
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There once was a man from Kent...

Who's dick was so long that it bent
To save him much trouble
He put it in her double
and instead of cumming, he went.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41k7bi/there_once_was_a_man_from_kent/
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Why couldn't the life guard save the drowning hippie?

Because he was too far out man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41k73o/why_couldnt_the_life_guard_save_the_drowning/
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Why are people at Star Wars conventions so happy?

Because of the Endor-fans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41k6su/why_are_people_at_star_wars_conventions_so_happy/
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A mathematician goes into an insane asylum

He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:
How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41k6qs/a_mathematician_goes_into_an_insane_asylum/
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I don't think a wooden structure is capable of holding up my books.

I have low shelf-confidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41k1e6/i_dont_think_a_wooden_structure_is_capable_of/
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A father buys a lie detector robot

that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41jyn3/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot/
%
What would Martin Luther King be if he was white?

Alive. He would be alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41jvj6/what_would_martin_luther_king_be_if_he_was_white/
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What's it called when the bottom half of a fraction has loads of cake in it?

A denom-nom-nominator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41jvao/whats_it_called_when_the_bottom_half_of_a/
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What do you get when you cross a sheep stealer with royalty?

Mutton Looter King

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41js0o/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_sheep_stealer/
%
What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brown?

Artificial intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41jr1f/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_blonde_dyes_her_hair/
%
Why do girls like me more when i'm preparing potatoes?

Because they find me more appealing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41jjpw/why_do_girls_like_me_more_when_im_preparing/
%
My girlfriend used Vaseline on a handjob today.

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41jhx5/my_girlfriend_used_vaseline_on_a_handjob_today/
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Bob is being interviewed for a police officer job...

The captain conducting the interview starts with some general knowledge questions. The captain asks "what is the national animal of America?". Bob correctly answers "bald eagle". The next question "how many states are there in America?". Again Bob answers correctly "50 States". The captain asks the last general knowledge question "who killed Abraham Lincoln?". Bob is stumped by this question and thinks for a long time. He finally says "I don't know". Disappointed that the candidate couldn't answer a simple history question he dismisses Bob saying "you really should go find out". Bob leaves the interview and goes home. His wife asks "how'd the interview go?" Bob replies with a big smile on his face, "Great! I've already been assigned to a murder investigation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41j9f5/bob_is_being_interviewed_for_a_police_officer_job/
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God sacrificed his son for his love of humans

And we all seem to be cool with it. But when **I** try to sacrifice my son for my love of humans, I get arrested and imprisoned.
I'm starting to see some discrimination going on here...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41j4wo/god_sacrificed_his_son_for_his_love_of_humans/
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My wife's sister

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41iyo7/my_wifes_sister/
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Limericks by Jenny

There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ivaq/limericks_by_jenny/
%
What does robbing a Scotsman get you?

Kilt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ipyn/what_does_robbing_a_scotsman_get_you/
%
The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to kill myself!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," John also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' John here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, John gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
She explained, "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Wow front page cool...a lot of you need to chill out tho

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41io2l/the_hells_angels_are_riding/
%
A boy and his grandfather go fishing...

after a while, the grandfather reaches into his cooler and pulls out a beer. "What's that?" says the boy. "It's a beer, don't worry about it." Replies the grandfather, taking a sip and looking across the water. Curious, the boy asks, "Can I have one?" The grandfather thinks for a moment and says with a smirk, "Well, does your dick touch your asshole?" A bit shocked , the boy replies, "What? No!" The grandfather laughs and, taking another sip, says, "Well, there's your answer." A little put off, the boy goes back to fishing. A little while later, the boy reaches into his lunch pail and pulls out a ziplock bag. "Whaddya got there?" asks the grandfather. Munching away, the boy doesn't even look up from his bobber, "Cookies." Can I have one?" The grandfather asks. Remembering the beer, the boy responds, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" The grandfather puff out his chest proudly and says, "As a matter of fact, it does!" Without missing a beat, the kid says through another mouthful of crumbs, "Then you can go fuck yourself, grandma made these for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ijr6/a_boy_and_his_grandfather_go_fishing/
%
Someone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road...

...that's the word on the street anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ijqu/someone_dropped_their_scrabble_in_the_middle_of/
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When I was 18, I wanted to buy a brand new motorbike, but my mother forbid it.

She explained that she had a brother who died in a motorbike crash when he was 18, and so I could have his instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ijno/when_i_was_18_i_wanted_to_buy_a_brand_new/
%
5 surgeons discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ihue/5_surgeons_discussing_who_makes_the_best_patients/
%
Im really good at coming up with jokes about planes.

They always seem to take off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41igmi/im_really_good_at_coming_up_with_jokes_about/
%
"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ifs1/a_young_man_with_his_pants_hanging_half_off_his/
%
Today, I went to the toilet without bringing my phone.

There are 178 tiles in the bathroom all and 6 stalls in total.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ibr1/today_i_went_to_the_toilet_without_bringing_my/
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What do the mafia and a women's pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41i89l/what_do_the_mafia_and_a_womens_pussy_have_in/
%
Two chinese men break into a distillery one night

One of them grabs a bottle, takes a swig and asks his friend: "Is this whiskey?"
His friend replied nodding: "yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41i2t2/two_chinese_men_break_into_a_distillery_one_night/
%
I hate having to brush my teeth in the morning.

I must be the only person in the world with hairy teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41i02p/i_hate_having_to_brush_my_teeth_in_the_morning/
%
What was Aladdin called after he went Vegan?

Saladdin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41hqe5/what_was_aladdin_called_after_he_went_vegan/
%
I've come to the realisation that tofu is over rated-

It's just a curd to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41hpdl/ive_come_to_the_realisation_that_tofu_is_over/
%
Being the first to move in chess.

It's a white privilege.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41hid7/being_the_first_to_move_in_chess/
%
The other day a clown held the door open for me.

It was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41hh0c/the_other_day_a_clown_held_the_door_open_for_me/
%
What do you call the western half of Kenya?

Kenya West

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41hg66/what_do_you_call_the_western_half_of_kenya/
%
Have you heard of the hypochondriac who had issues with his bowels?

He was always full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41hdj7/have_you_heard_of_the_hypochondriac_who_had/
%
A man sees a sign that reads "lose weight now!"...

...with a number listed on the bottom. The man had been feeling a little over weight so he decided to call the sign. A woman answered the phone and told him to be at the local hangout the following morning.
The next morning comes and the man is at the local hangout when a woman walks up to him. The woman asked "are you here about the ad?" To which the man replied yes. The woman then motions the man to come inside.
Once inside a door opened and a beautiful woman stood their naked with a sign that said "if you can catch me you can have your way with me!" Upon seeing this the man takes off trying to catch the woman to no avail.
The next week he sees the  same sign but this time it said "lose weight now! $40!" The man calls the sign again ad inquires why it's  $40 where as the first time was free. The woman says "show up and see."
Next day comes and the man shows up. He hands the woman $40 and she opens a door. This time an even more beautiful woman stood there with the same sign. Again the man gives chase but to no avail.
So obviously frustrated at this point the man decides to invest in a proper pair of running shoes. This time he's sure he'll catch the woman. Well he stumbled upon the same sign but this time it read "lose weight now $60!" Knowing this he figured this time it would be an even more beautiful woman.
So the following day comes and he shows up with his money in hand. The woman opens the door and this time there stood a large gorrila. The gorilla had a sign around his neck and it said "if I catch you I get my way with you!"
Some say he's still running to this very day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41hcl1/a_man_sees_a_sign_that_reads_lose_weight_now/
%
Donald Trump visits and old folks' home...

to mingle with the people and pick up a little good P.R. at the same time. He walks up to a sweet old lady in a wheelchair who smiles at him with an other wise blank stare.
"Do you know who I am ?" asks Donald Trump.
She responds, "No, but if you ask the desk, they'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41hciw/donald_trump_visits_and_old_folks_home/
%
After years of courting her , she finally said yes

Followed by 'thats him, officer'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41h6zv/after_years_of_courting_her_she_finally_said_yes/
%
There's 3 things I hate about r/jokes

people who think they know the punchline and misleading titles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41h3qq/theres_3_things_i_hate_about_rjokes/
%
What's the best part about living in Switzerland?

Beats me, but the flag's a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41h3b2/whats_the_best_part_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
How many Avatar characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. It will change when the fire nation attacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41h1cp/how_many_avatar_characters_does_it_take_to_change/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41gxl5/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
A police captain is quizzing three new trainees.

He shows a photograph of a man to the first trainee. "This is your suspect," he says. "How do you identify him?"
The trainee replies "Simple. He's only got one eye!"
"You idiot!" the captain scolds. "That's because you're looking at a picture from the side of his face! He moves onto the second trainee, showing him the same photo. "This is your suspect," he says. "How do you identify him?"
The trainee responds "That's an easy one! He's only got one ear!"
"You idiot!" the captain scolds. "I don't believe this. Can you really not tell when you're looking at the side of a man's face!?" He moves onto the third trainee, now very frustrated. "This is your suspect," he says. "How do you identify him?"
The third trainee is silent. After a moment of thought, he answers "He wears contact lenses."
The officer is taken aback. He excuses himself and checks the records they have on file. Sure enough, the man does wear contact lenses.
"That was amazing!" the captain tells the trainee. "How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"It was obvious," says the trainee. "He can't wear glasses! He's only got one eye and one ear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41gpdf/a_police_captain_is_quizzing_three_new_trainees/
%
I have a long distance relationship with an anorexic girl.

Lately I've been seeing less and less of her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41gld3/i_have_a_long_distance_relationship_with_an/
%
White girl goes on a date with a black man

They have lots of fun, she takes him home, they have coffee, go up to her bedroom and she says, "Show me it's true what they say about black guys"
So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41gius/white_girl_goes_on_a_date_with_a_black_man/
%
What's the difference between water and gasoline?

In Flint Michigan you can get gasoline that is unleaded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41gfvd/whats_the_difference_between_water_and_gasoline/
%
What do you call a German tampon?

A twatstika.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41gfk0/what_do_you_call_a_german_tampon/
%
A wife is like a hand grenade...

...take off the ring, and you lose the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41gerj/a_wife_is_like_a_hand_grenade/
%
Why do pirates love Playboy Magazine?

You'd think it's for the booty, but they really read it for the arrrticles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41gbl2/why_do_pirates_love_playboy_magazine/
%
A hypnotist at a senior home...

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"SHIT" said Claude!
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41gbih/a_hypnotist_at_a_senior_home/
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I live in upstate New York

You know, normally I'd say "Fuck the Weather", but these days, I'm pretty sure it's way under 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41g8ey/i_live_in_upstate_new_york/
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If a red bird has red babies, and a blue bird has blue babies, what bird has no babies?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41fwee/if_a_red_bird_has_red_babies_and_a_blue_bird_has/
%
Why do German shower heads have 11 holes?

Because Jews only have 10 fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41fw2z/why_do_german_shower_heads_have_11_holes/
%
The Biker and God

So God is watching this this biker as he rides in California, he was a real nasty guy in a biker gang, used to be a real bastard. Eventually he got married, had kids, left his life of crime behind him and became a really good guy. God then starts talking to him:
> So, you used to be a real bad guy, now you have a family and do plenty of charity work. I'm really impressed, i'm going to grant you one wish, tell me what you want.
The biker is thankful and responds.
>Wow God, thanks! I'm not really sure... Actually yeah, I want a bridge to Hawaii to ride my Harley on!
God seems a bit surprised and adds:
>Are you sure? I was expecting something a bit more spiritual, something related to knowledge. Do you know how much it would take to build such a bridge? It would take a huge amount of labor and an unimaginable amount of resources, not to mention there needs to be pillars that go to the bottom of the ocean.
The biker thinks for a second and replies:
>Yeah you're right, I'm asking for too much. Now that I think about it, I really want to understand my wife better, most of the I'm just clueless about how she feels or what she means, can you help me with that?
Now God pauses a second and answers:
>... How many lanes on the bridge?
---
Got this joke from my dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41fvgn/the_biker_and_god/
%
Nymphomaniac convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American man who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the southern redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41fust/nymphomaniac_convention/
%
A drunk is stumbling down the street, and approaches a cop on duty

The drunk says, "Officer, I need your help. Somebody stole my car!"
The cops askes, "Where was it when you last saw it?"
The drunk replies, holding a silver key, "right on the end of this key."
The cop chuckles, and says, "Well, you better head down to the station and fill out the proper forms. They'll help you out."
The drunk says, "Ok", and starts to wander off. But before he can get away, the cop calls out to him.
"Hey buddy, before you head downtown, you better zip up your fly!"
The drunk looks down and exlaims, "Oh, damn. They got my girlfriend, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41fufn/a_drunk_is_stumbling_down_the_street_and/
%
You know what you call a marine with an IQ of 160

A platoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ft66/you_know_what_you_call_a_marine_with_an_iq_of_160/
%
Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night...

He was so bad, a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ft2k/went_to_see_the_worst_faith_healer_ever_last_night/
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Son asks Jewish dad for money

Son: Dad, can you give me fifty dollars?
Dad: Fourty dollars? Why do you need thirty dollars? Here, take twenty and split it with your sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41fqcj/son_asks_jewish_dad_for_money/
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Casual sex is like a math equation...

You add the bed, subtract your cloths, divide your legs, and hope you don't multiply

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41fi5e/casual_sex_is_like_a_math_equation/
%
What's the difference between love and herpes?

Herpes is forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41fh21/whats_the_difference_between_love_and_herpes/
%
Two blondes and a brunette are walking down the street...

Two blondes and a brunette are walking down the street when a bird poos on one of the blondes.  The brunette says "I'll get some toilet paper" and runs off.
The other blonde laughs and says, "what an idiot, the bird will be miles away by the time she's back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41fgv6/two_blondes_and_a_brunette_are_walking_down_the/
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My son and I were driving along the countryside.

He looked out the window and said, "Daddy, what are those two cows doing?"
"They are creating children," I replied, stopping the car.
"Is that how you and mummy made me?" he asked.
I said, "Yes, in the middle of a field while people watched."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41fgb2/my_son_and_i_were_driving_along_the_countryside/
%
Lost 200 pounds. Here's my story.

British prostitutes are *expensive.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ffrg/lost_200_pounds_heres_my_story/
%
What's the difference between a Thai man and a Thai woman?

Pls help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ffbx/whats_the_difference_between_a_thai_man_and_a/
%
What is the favorite note of a priest?

A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41f7ns/what_is_the_favorite_note_of_a_priest/
%
Heaven and Hell

Heaven is when...
The English greet you at the door
The French cook the meal
The Italians entertain you
And the Germans plan everything
Hell is when...
The French greet you at the door
The English cook the meal
Tye Germans entertain you
And the Italians plan everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41f3zb/heaven_and_hell/
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Why did the hippie lifeguard not save the drowning boy?

He was too far out man!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ezkm/why_did_the_hippie_lifeguard_not_save_the/
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What's the connection between the Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper?

They both travel around Uranus looking for Klingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41exld/whats_the_connection_between_the_star_trek/
%
A Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for speeding, and asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.'
'After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.'
'Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41eqeu/a_highway_patrol_officer_stops_a_harley_for/
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How to spot a blind guy in a nudist colony?

It ain't hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41enwy/how_to_spot_a_blind_guy_in_a_nudist_colony/
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Explaining how the parliament works.

One day a boy asks his dad how the parliament works. So his dad tells him,
"Well, i am the working man of the family so think of me as capitalism. Your mom is the government, your baby brother is the future and the housekeeper is the working class. Now ponder over what i've told you and tell me what you understand."
That night, the boy's brother shit his diapers, when he goes to call his mom, she doesn't wake up and his dad isn't there. So he goes to the housekeeper's room and finds it locked. He peeps in and sees his dad banging her.
The next morning the boy says to his dad,
"I finally understood how the parliament works. While the government sleeps and the future is in deep shit, capitalism is screwing the working class."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41em6q/explaining_how_the_parliament_works/
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It's year 2540..

A student notices something off about his textbook, "how come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?" The teacher puts his air marker down on the table, lowers his head, and sighs. "Because...." he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, "....only 90's kids remember the 90's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ei7a/its_year_2540/
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Trump's wives were immigrants, proving the adage true...

Immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ehyk/trumps_wives_were_immigrants_proving_the_adage/
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What did Julius Caesar say towards the end of a passionate night with Cleopatra?

"Veni."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41educ/what_did_julius_caesar_say_towards_the_end_of_a/
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New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer

than the men who mention it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ebua/new_study_reveals_that_women_slightly_overweight/
%
Why did the Jews roam the desert for 40+ years?

Because Moses lost a quarter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41e4b5/why_did_the_jews_roam_the_desert_for_40_years/
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A man breaks down out the front of a monastery

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
the monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later,
The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles When you find these numbers,
you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task.
Some years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says,
I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are
145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says,
The sound is right behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire,
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver,
topaz,
and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know end.
He unlocks the door,
turns the knob,
and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound
.
.
.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41dm91/a_man_breaks_down_out_the_front_of_a_monastery/
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Boy sees mother on top having sex with father

Mother says: Son, I'm sitting on this because your father has a big belly so I'm trying to flatten it.
Son says: You're then wasting your time, mum. Every time that you are out, the neighbour comes in and blows it back again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41dm2j/boy_sees_mother_on_top_having_sex_with_father/
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41dfsd/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
As my wife opened the door and walked out the toilet...

I stood there startled, and said, "Fucking hell, what have you eaten!"
"I know," she giggled, "It stinks, doesn't it?"
"Not really, you're just bloody enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41dfb4/as_my_wife_opened_the_door_and_walked_out_the/
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I used to own a shop which sold 'Closed' signs...

It didn't do very well. I had them all up in the window, but no-one ever came in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41de5p/i_used_to_own_a_shop_which_sold_closed_signs/
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A group of guys, all aged about 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch...

A group of guys, all aged about 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waitresses there were pretty.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41da62/a_group_of_guys_all_aged_about_40_discussed_where/
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A girl is visiting her boyfriend's parents for the first time ...

and as soon as she enters the home she farts. To mask that she points at the lamp on the table and tells the parents "You have such a beautiful lamp!". The dad in response says "I bet you will shit yourself when you see our living room chandelier".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41d65y/a_girl_is_visiting_her_boyfriends_parents_for_the/
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A blonde woman goes appliance shopping...

... and upon arrival at the department store, she decides to take advantage of a sale that she sees. She calls over an employee and points to the marked-down price.
"I'd like to buy this television," she says, batting her eyelashes.
"I'm truly very sorry, miss," the employee tells her, "but blondes are actually not allowed in our store."
"What kind of store doesn't allow blondes?!" the woman demands.
The employee shrugs. "The kind that only exists in jokes like this, I suppose."
"What?"
"Never mind," answers the employee. "You'll have to leave."
Frustrated and annoyed, the blonde woman visits her local hair salon and requests a brunette dye-job. Once it's finished, she returns to the store, walks directly to the advertised sale, and flags down the employee from before.
"Excuse me," she says, offering a sweet smile. "I would like to buy this television."
The employee rolls her eyes and sighs. "Most of the folks reading this were picturing me as a man until just now."
"*What?*" the blonde woman demands.
"Don't worry about it," the employee answers. "What's important is that blondes aren't allowed in this store. You were told this previously, and dying your hair isn't going to change that."
The blonde woman storms from the store, thoroughly irritated... but unwilling to lose. She decides to book an appointment with a plastic surgeon that very afternoon, and she tells the doctor that she wants a completely new face.
"By the way," the blonde woman asks the doctor, "are you a woman, by chance?"
"No, why?" the doctor asks.
"I was just checking."
After several weeks of healing, the blonde woman - now with an entirely altered appearance - revisits the department store. She is delighted to see that the sale is still going on, and she immediately catches the eye of the employee who had kicked her out.
"Hello!" the blonde woman says. "I want to buy this television!"
The employee squints her eyes, cocks her head, and purses her lips. "I'm sorry, miss," she replies, "but we *do not* allow blondes in here."
"Now, wait just a second!" the blonde woman shouts. "I dyed my hair, changed my clothes..."
"The joke didn't mention that part," the employee interrupts.
"*Shut up!* I even got plastic surgery to change my face! How the *hell* do you know that I'm a blonde?!"
The employee sighs and points. "Because that," she says, "is a microwave oven."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41d2c3/a_blonde_woman_goes_appliance_shopping/
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A blonde, brunette and a redhead are trying to get into heaven

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead died in an accident and are now standing before God. God is awaiting them at the top of a staircase that leads to the gates of heaven. God then says to them, "If you wish to enter heaven, you will have to climb these hundred steps to the top, but for every step you climb I will tell a joke. If you laugh at any of the jokes before you reach the top, you will have to start over." The three begin to climb the staircase and God begins telling jokes. The redhead reaches the 24th step before laughing and having to restart. The brunette makes it to the 56th step before she laughs and has to start over. The blonde makes it to the 99th step and starts laughing uncontrollably. God then says, "Why are you laughing? I haven't even told the joke yet."
"I finally got the first joke," says the blonde

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41cxnz/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_trying_to_get/
%
Have you ever thought about the word racecar and how it's a palindrome?

Put it backwards and it spells racecar, put it sideways and it kills Paul Walker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41cxdm/have_you_ever_thought_about_the_word_racecar_and/
%
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me...

Tesicular cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41cx24/i_wondered_why_the_ball_was_getting_bigger_then/
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Degree

A grandma is shopping with her grandson.The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree, put the toy back"!
A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, is that his name?
The grandma replied "Yes I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41csir/degree/
%
Did you hear about the woman who blew all her money on powerball tickets?

She made a lotto bad decisions....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41cs4o/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_blew_all_her/
%
Birthdays....

... are good for health. Studied have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41crop/birthdays/
%
A Former Sergeant In The Marine Corps Took A New Job As A High School Teacher

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence... the rest of the year went very smoothly :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41cr2d/a_former_sergeant_in_the_marine_corps_took_a_new/
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Why wouldn't you laugh at punch lines in a circle-jerk?

You'd see them coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41cqm3/why_wouldnt_you_laugh_at_punch_lines_in_a/
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I saw a baby in a carriage holding a chocolate bar.

It's mother wasn't around. So i took it, tore it open and ate it, right in front of the chocolate bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41cofz/i_saw_a_baby_in_a_carriage_holding_a_chocolate_bar/
%
It all

Title says it all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ciyw/it_all/
%
What did Alan Rickman say as he stood over David Bowie's grave?

Mind if I Slytherin?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41cife/what_did_alan_rickman_say_as_he_stood_over_david/
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What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeno business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41cc60/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
%
Why do most chicken coups have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4 doors, it'd be considered a chicken sedan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41caci/why_do_most_chicken_coups_have_2_doors/
%
I like my women like I like my milk.

2% fat, white and cool as fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41c9u8/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_milk/
%
A parrot is the headliner act for shows on a cruise ship...

One day the cruise hires a really good magician to become the new headliner act. The parrot is furious with jealousy, so he starts watching the magician behind the scenes and eventually begins shouting out the secrets behind his tricks at the shows (i.e. "It's up his sleeve!!" "He used a trap door"). One day the cruise strikes an iceberg and sinks. Everyone on board dies except the magician and the parrot. For three days they float around the ocean using the same piece of wood to hold on to. After the days the parrot finally says to the magician..."alright you got me, where's the fucking ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41c94f/a_parrot_is_the_headliner_act_for_shows_on_a/
%
Girl, are you pi?

'Cause you are long and sweet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41c43b/girl_are_you_pi/
%
A woman has a heart attack in a plane.

The stewardess asks "Is there a doctor on board?".
A person comes forward and announces "I'm a vegan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41c1qq/a_woman_has_a_heart_attack_in_a_plane/
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A man walks onto a plane...

... He has a dead rabbit under each arm. The stuardess turns: "I'm sorry, sir. You're only allowed one item of carrion"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41bzhi/a_man_walks_onto_a_plane/
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Why was the computer tired when he got home?

Because he had a hard drive!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41byqy/why_was_the_computer_tired_when_he_got_home/
%
One day a priest went fishing.

One day a priest went fishing with one of his flock. They took the boat out and cast their lines.
The priest's line had a fish. When he reeled it in the other man said "Look at the size of that fucker!"
The priest looked shocked and told the man "Heavens! I am a man of the cloth! Please watch your language!"
To which the man replied "No, Father. It's called a Deep Sea Fucker. It's really good to eat."
The priest took the fish back home to cook for the cardinal who was visiting for dinner that night. He took the fish into the kitchen and said to the young nun "Sister, look at this fucker I caught!"
The sister said "Father, I am a servant of god! Please watch your language!"
The priest explained that the fish is called a Deep Sea Fucker and that he wanted her to clean and prepare the fish for Mother Superior to cook that night. After she has cleaned the fish the nun approached Mother Superior and said "Mother, I've cleaned this big fucker for dinner tonight."
Mother Superior looked shocked and cried "Sister, I am a bride of Christ! Watch your language!" The sister politely explained that the name of the fish is a Deep Sea Fucker and that Father wanted it cooked for dinner that night.
Mother Superior cooked and presented the fish to the Cardinal that night. As she lay dinner on the table the Cardinal asked "And who do I need to thank for this wonder dinner?"
Father said "I caught the fucker."
The nun said "I cleaned the fucker."
Mother said "I cooked the fucker."
The Cardinal looked very surprised and leaned back in his chair to say "You know what? You cunts are alright."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41btsn/one_day_a_priest_went_fishing/
%
Why are X-wings so grubby?

Rebel scum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41bt66/why_are_xwings_so_grubby/
%
Boy walks in on his parents going at it...

Father turns around, smiles, and winks.
Few minutes later, a horrible noise arises from down the hall.  Father dismounts, runs down the hall, only to find the boy with Grandmother bent over the bed.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" says Father.
Boy smiles, winks, and says "not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41bt0o/boy_walks_in_on_his_parents_going_at_it/
%
If a tree falls in the woods

It won't make a sound because it has been copyright claimed by Warner Music Group.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41bp5h/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_woods/
%
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are discussing which religion is the greatest.

But they're getting nowhere. Finally, the Jew speaks up and says, "Whoever can convert a bear to his own religion shows that that religion is the greatest."
The Muslim and Christian both agree. The Christian goes out and comes back an hour later.
"It was very inspiring. I taught the bear the New Testament and he liked all the ideas in it so he converted!"
The Muslim goes out and and returns two hours later.
"It was a little difficult, but once I told him about the 70 virgin bears he gets after he dies, he immediately converted."
The Jew sets out. One hour goes by. Three hours go by. Five hours go by.
Finally, the Christian and the Muslim get a call from the hospital, telling them that their friend the Jew had suffered a bear attack.
They rush to the hospital and they find the Jew completely bandaged, head to toe.
The Muslim and the Christian ask, "What happened?!"
The Jew grimaces out of pain and says in a whisper, "I probably shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41bo96/a_christian_a_muslim_and_a_jew_are_discussing/
%
Nothing beats a girl with a beautiful singing voice...

Except Chris Brown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41bnsj/nothing_beats_a_girl_with_a_beautiful_singing/
%
A 7 year old and 4 year old are in their bedroom....

"You know what" says the 7 year old. "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go down for breakfast I'll swear first, then you."
"OK" says the 4 year old.
They go downstairs and the mom asks what they'd like for breakfast.
"I'll have Coco pops bitch!"
WHACK! He flew out of his chair bawling his eyes out.
The mom looked at the 4 year old and sternly said "And what do you want?"
"Don't know, but it won't be fucking Coco pops"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41bjx5/a_7_year_old_and_4_year_old_are_in_their_bedroom/
%
A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.

He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.
"What the hell's going on, Steve?" asks the woman.
"What do you think of the pig?"
"That's not a pig, it's a duck."
"I wasn't talking to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41bhbf/a_woman_is_woken_up_late_one_night_to_the_sound/
%
What do women and dog shit have in common?

The older they get, the easier they are to pick up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41bgbx/what_do_women_and_dog_shit_have_in_common/
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So FRIENDS is having a reunion

Turns out the show wasn't over. They were on a break.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41bfzl/so_friends_is_having_a_reunion/
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With the election coming close, I trust Bill Clinton the most...

He always picked someone other than Hillary, so I will too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41bdea/with_the_election_coming_close_i_trust_bill/
%
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer

than the men who mention it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41b84p/new_study_reveals_that_women_slightly_overweight/
%
A man sitting in a bus told the woman on the seat in front of him.

"Excuse me ma'am, you've got sperm on the back of your shirt."
"How can you know that's sperm? Perhaps it's yoghurt."
"I'm 100% sure it's sperm and not yoghurt."
"How?"
"I don't ejaculate with yoghurt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41b6jo/a_man_sitting_in_a_bus_told_the_woman_on_the_seat/
%
A husband and wife were grocery shopping...

He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife.
They continue shopping. Later on, she puts a £20 jar of face cream in the basket.
"What are you doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
He said, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41b4xz/a_husband_and_wife_were_grocery_shopping/
%
A blond is tired

A blond gets tired of blond jokes, so she dyes her hair. She goes for a ride and comes across a farmer with a flock of sheep. She asks the farmer, "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The farmer accepts. The blond guesses, "382". The farmer says, "Wow, that's correct. Pick any one you want!" She looks over the entire flock before picking one and putting it in her car. The farmer then says, "I have an offer for you. If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41b4c9/a_blond_is_tired/
%
At university I was going to join the debating class...

...but someone talked me out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41b1tq/at_university_i_was_going_to_join_the_debating/
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Why did the redditor go to /r/zelda?

To boost his link karma!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41b0mc/why_did_the_redditor_go_to_rzelda/
%
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, ''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?'' The nun giggles and slyly replies, ''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'' St. Peter says, ''OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.'' St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, ''Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?'' The nun is a little reluctant but replies ''Well once I fondled and stroked one.'' St. Peter says ''OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.'' All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says ''Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?! ''The nun replies, ''If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41au4c/a_train_hits_a_bus_load_of_nuns_and_they_all/
%
I want to invent an intravenous drug.

I will name it Lord's Name, and people will be taking the Lord's Name in vein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41au0a/i_want_to_invent_an_intravenous_drug/
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I've suffered from identity crisis since I was a little boy.

I mean girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41as60/ive_suffered_from_identity_crisis_since_i_was_a/
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A cucumber , a pickle , and a penis

were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.
The cucumber said "Man my life sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juicy someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."
So the pickle looks at him and says "You think you have it bad! Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, sticks me in a jar and hides me for months."
The penis glared at them both and said
"You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy they put a rubber trap over my head, stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41arhb/a_cucumber_a_pickle_and_a_penis/
%
Sven the Farmer

A Minnesota farmer named Sven had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Ajax Company.
In court, the Ajax Company's hot shot attorney questioned him thus "Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Sven responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Sven said, "Vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said,
"Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine."
"Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client."
"I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Sven's answer and said to the attorney: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie."
"Sven said: 'Tank you," and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Ajax truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly."
"I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch."
"By yimminy yahosaphat, I vas hurt purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans."
"Shortly after da accident,a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes."
"Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, How are you feelin?'"
"Now wot da fock vud **you** say?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41apkm/sven_the_farmer/
%
Why couldn't the skeleton hurt itself?

Because it didn't have the nerves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41alvd/why_couldnt_the_skeleton_hurt_itself/
%
What is 12 inches and hangs in front of an asshole?

A republican's neck tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ad5w/what_is_12_inches_and_hangs_in_front_of_an_asshole/
%
What exercise does Ned Flanders do at the gym?

Diddly squat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41acit/what_exercise_does_ned_flanders_do_at_the_gym/
%
I always cry before getting intimate with a girl

Does someone have tips against pepperspray?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41a2t3/i_always_cry_before_getting_intimate_with_a_girl/
%
Why did the blonde have an Abortion?

She wasn't convinced the baby was hers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41a2oj/why_did_the_blonde_have_an_abortion/
%
What do you call a group of men in a flying car having unsatisfying sexual intercourse with a single woman because they feel sorry for her?

A shitty pity gangbang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41a2c3/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_men_in_a_flying_car/
%
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The Wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41a247/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
%
Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41a1wq/have_you_heard_the_news_about_corduroy_pillows/
%
Nothing is better than studying

That's why i do nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41a154/nothing_is_better_than_studying/
%
If 666 is evil

Does that mean that 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/419y22/if_666_is_evil/
%
One day...

...a boy hears his parents having this huge arguement, so he eavesdrops on them the moment the mother called the father an 'asshole' and the father called the mother a 'bitch.' Being a confused 8 year old boy who had never heard these slurs before, he asked his parents about their meaning, and the parents, not wanting to teach their kid curses at such a young age, told him that they meant 'ladies' and 'gentlemen,' respectively.
The next day, the parents are busy engaging in rough, sensual coitus, with the kid, of course, eavesdropping. The mother yells "give me your dick!" and the father replies "your pussy feels so soft!" The child inquired as to what these words mean post-intercourse, and the parents, unbeknownst to them that the boy eavesdropped, casually told him that they meant 'hats' and 'coats.'
The next day was thanksgiving, so the mother was preparing a turkey, she was cutting open the turkey when she accidentaly cut herself, so she, of course, yelled out 'FUCK!' The curious boy once again asked what this word meant, and the mother replied that it was the act of stuffing the turkey. Soon, the boy went upstairs to use the bathroom, and the father was there shaving his beard when he accidentally cut himself as well, so he naturally yelled out 'SHIT!' You can guess what the boy asked, and the father replied that it meant the shaving cream around his face.
An hour later, guests arrived outside and the kid went to answer the door. Upon seeing the guests, he greeted them the best way he knew how.
"Hello bitches and assholes! Put your dicks and pussys in the living room, my parents will see you shortly, my mom is busy fucking the turkey and my dad is wiping the shit off his face!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/419xgy/one_day/
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[Long Format] A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane...

He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/419vfq/long_format_a_man_boarded_an_airplane_and_took/
%
Why doesn't Barbie have kids?

Cause Ken cums in another box...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/419qn3/why_doesnt_barbie_have_kids/
%
Only one man has ever entered parliament with honest intentions...

... Guy Fawkes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/419l9v/only_one_man_has_ever_entered_parliament_with/
%
What gets easier to pick up, the more it weighs?

Women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/419jtr/what_gets_easier_to_pick_up_the_more_it_weighs/
%
I set up a camera to record my wife for our sex tape

I didn't realize it was motion activated so it didn't record a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/419h7j/i_set_up_a_camera_to_record_my_wife_for_our_sex/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/419h5n/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/419ea1/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
How do you seduce a fat woman?

Piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/419ayw/how_do_you_seduce_a_fat_woman/
%
You know, I really hate Mexican jokes that rely on sterotypes

They just cross the border.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4199q3/you_know_i_really_hate_mexican_jokes_that_rely_on/
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The shit stains in my toilet are so peaceful

I just can't piss them off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4196ca/the_shit_stains_in_my_toilet_are_so_peaceful/
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Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4191ya/patient_doctor_ive_got_a_strawberry_stuck_up_my/
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[Request]Looking for a joke I saw on here a while back...

I'm looking for a joke that I saw on here a while back:
A guy works at a call center and calls a guy who is rather rude and belligerent back at him, to the call Center guy saves his number, and whenever he feels like venting frustration, he calls the guy back, and shouts and him. He saves a second phone number, and end up having the two guys fight each other, and call the news station about a gay lovers quarrel...
I can't remember how it goes, and I want to do it justice.
For payment, one of my favorite jokes:
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4191gr/requestlooking_for_a_joke_i_saw_on_here_a_while/
%
What comes after 69?

A funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/418zgq/what_comes_after_69/
%
Civil war jokes?

I General Lee don't find them funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/418t27/civil_war_jokes/
%
Favorite Mythological Creature

Someone on tumblr who isn't oppressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/418rrg/favorite_mythological_creature/
%
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just shoot the room for being dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/418kjn/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
A man is dying of cancer...

He tells his wife, "Honey, if things start looking bad, please just turn off my life support."
A tear rolls down her cheek as he grasps her hand and continues, "Then turn it back on again and see if that fixes it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/418eso/a_man_is_dying_of_cancer/
%
I went into a Muslim bookstore the other day.

The owner said can I help you? I said I'm looking for the new Donald Trump book about the Muslims and the illegal Mexicans. He said fuck you, get the hell out of here and never come back. I said, that's the one, do you have it in paperback?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/418cth/i_went_into_a_muslim_bookstore_the_other_day/
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One thing you should always look for in a woman.

A pulse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/418cpp/one_thing_you_should_always_look_for_in_a_woman/
%
The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4189bb/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Husband joke

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
Husband says: "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4180bn/husband_joke/
%
Teacher: How Old is your father?

Pappu: As old as I am.
Master: How is it possible?
Pappu: He became father only after I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/417uyr/teacher_how_old_is_your_father/
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Donald Trump visits an elementary school

Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/417trc/donald_trump_visits_an_elementary_school/
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The Troublemaker

Jimmy was walking to class one morning when he noticed a student spray painting the wall on campus with graffiti.
Jimmy: Whoa what are you doing? You can't do that!
Student: Why not? What are you going to do about it?
Jimmy: Do you know who I am?
Student: No.
Jimmy: Well, the principal is my mom and I'm going to report you.
Student: Wait, wait, wait. Do you know who I am?
Jimmy: No.
Student: Good. Bye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/417ndx/the_troublemaker/
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What is common between a gynecologist and Pizza Deliver guy?

They both can smell it but cant eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/417kvl/what_is_common_between_a_gynecologist_and_pizza/
%
My friend told me he was terrified of pedophiles...

I told him to grow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/417kgu/my_friend_told_me_he_was_terrified_of_pedophiles/
%
Your Momma's so fat...

A Stormtrooper could hit her with a blaster shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/417doc/your_mommas_so_fat/
%
Little Girl Answers the Phone

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you dont have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now. Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey? Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all! OMG!!! What bout your uncle paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead! Real long pause! Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732? Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/417ctk/little_girl_answers_the_phone/
%
How does a detective stay cool in hot summer?

He works on a cold case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/417bjr/how_does_a_detective_stay_cool_in_hot_summer/
%
Teacher to student “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”

Student: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Student: “You don’t know my father.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/417aiq/teacher_to_student_if_you_had_one_dollar_and_you/
%
Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4176c2/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/
%
The Magic Lamp

A man whose wife had just divorced him was walking down along the beach trying to figure out what he was going to do next with his life.  Suddenly his foot kicked something hard in the sand and he was immediately surrounded by smoke.  A Booming voice said :
"I AM THE GENIE OF THE LAMP"
The man was dumbfounded.
**Man:** WHAT?!  A Genie? Seriously? Like 3 wishes and everything?
**Genie :** Yeah, you get three wishes but there are a couple of things you should know that got left out of all of the stories.
**Man :** Like what?
**Genie :** Well, you have to make all of your wishes before sunset and if you don't then what ever you wished for before sunset will cease to be.
**Man:** That's it?
**Genie:** No.. the union made us add a new one once divorces started up.  What ever you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.
**Man:** That's odd.
**Genie:** Yup, so Master.. what is your first wish? Wait, let me guess, money?
**Man:** Uhh.. Yeah.. Um how about like a billion dollars?
**Genie:** Ok but you understand that means that your ex-wife will get 2 billion dollars, right?
**Man:** That's fine, maybe she'll get audited or something.  She left me and I don't care if she ends up with money.. I mean If I have a Billion dollars, what do I care what she has?
**(The genie blinks his eyes, nods his head and says "IT IS DONE")**
**Man:** It is done?!  I don't feel any different?  There isn't a pile of cash in front of me.. what do you mean IT IS DONE?
**Genie:** Master. The money is in your bank account.
**Man:** Yeah?
**Genie:** Do you have a smart phone?
**Man:** Yeah.
**Genie:** Then go ahead and check your bank balance.
**(The Man grabs his phone from his pocket and opens his banking app to check his balance)**
**Man:** HOLY SHIT!
**Genie:** Yup.
**Man:** I'm a billionaire!
**Genie:** I know.
**Man:** You made me a billionaire!
**Genie:** Nothing gets past you master.
**Man:** Ok.. Ok.. Ok.. So I need to do 2 more, right?
**Genie:** Yes master and you have less than an hour left.
**Man:** Ok.. Umm.. ok.. so I'm a billionaire and I have to make 2 more wishes in an hour or I'm not a billionaire anymore.. But I don't want to just waste them.. Ok.
**Genie:** Your wish?
**Man:** I want ... I wish for.. a woman.. but not just any woman.  She has to love me unconditionally. She has to be gorgeous, and I mean like a solid 10.  She has to be my soulmate.. I mean we have to be perfect together as a couple, and she'll never want to leave.. and never cheat on me.. and. be .. ya know.. adventurous.. in bed.  Because I just got out of a marriage and there wasn't any...
**Genie:** I get it, you want the perfect woman for you.. in every way.
**Man:** Yeah.. and my same age.. and into the same things I'm in too..
**Genie:** I got it.. But you understand that your ex-wife will have 2 perfect men come into her life.
**Man:** I don't care, they can fight over her, I'm done with her.  Hell she'll probably just keep them both and not tell them about each other while she goes out and finds a third.
**Genie:** Yes master.   I am going to look into your soul and bring forth your perfect mate.
**(The genie grabs the mans head, looks deep into his eyes, there is a bright flash, and the genie  says "IT IS DONE")**
**Man:** So, where is she?
**(The Genie steps to the side to reveal a woman standing behind him)**
**Woman:** Hey Babe!
**Man:** Hey!
**Woman:** I didn't know you were gonna be here.  Listen I'm gonna go and wash the ocean off of me.  I'll be by your house at 8, okay?
**Man:** Sounds Great!
**Woman:** Okay, love you!
**Man:** Love you too.
**(Woman walks off down the beach)**
**Man:** Genie..
**Genie:** Yes Master?
**Man:** You fucking rock!
**Genie:** I know.
**Man:** What's her name?
**Genie:** Her name is Sara.  But Master you must make another wish and you have only 10 minutes left or you lose the billion dollars and Sara.
**Man:** What should I wish for?
**Genie:** That is up to you Master.
**Man:** What about like in Aladdin?  Do you want me to wish you free?
**Genie:** NO!  Being a Genie is awesome.  I don't want it to end.  Please do not wish for that.. 9 minutes Master.
**Man:** Ok.. so last wish.. don't want to waste it.. I'm a billionaire, I have the perfect woman who loves me, what else do I need?
**Genie:** Master this isn't about needs it is about wants.  What do you want that you do not care if your wife gets double??
**Man:** I think I know..
**Genie:** 2 minutes Master
**(The Man closes his eyes)**
**Man:** GENIE! I WISH FOR YOU TO BEAT ME HALF TO DEATH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4170u8/the_magic_lamp/
%
I would tell a joke about fat people,

But they have enough on their plate as it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/416zr1/i_would_tell_a_joke_about_fat_people/
%
What did Haley Joel Osment find at the top of Mt. Everest?

Icy Dead People

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/416xlf/what_did_haley_joel_osment_find_at_the_top_of_mt/
%
Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/416w8v/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_baby/
%
What's the worst part of...

About locking your keys in your car outside the abortion clinic?
Going in to ask for at coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/416p3r/whats_the_worst_part_of/
%
A student calls his college to enrol in a calculus course...

A student calls his college and says "I want to take calculus, but the system won't let me enrol". The woman on the other line looks at his record and says: "it looks like you're already taking a full course load! don't you know what the limit is?", to which he replies:
"That's what I'm trying to find!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/416llb/a_student_calls_his_college_to_enrol_in_a/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no idear.
What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium
Anyone who has any simple, stupid jokes like these please put them in the comments. :) I just started a new job and stupid little jokes are perfect for breaking the ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/416joo/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
What do you call a psychic on /b/?

A 4Chan-Teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/416irf/what_do_you_call_a_psychic_on_b/
%
Last week I got a vibrator stuck inside of me so I went to the doctors...

...this morning when the batteries went flat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/416azr/last_week_i_got_a_vibrator_stuck_inside_of_me_so/
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SENIOR SEX

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4162g0/senior_sex/
%
How do you know if a fortune-teller is shit?

You knock on her door and she shouts "Who is it?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/415xyw/how_do_you_know_if_a_fortuneteller_is_shit/
%
9/10 men said they like women with curves

The tenth one liked the other 9 guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/415v6u/910_men_said_they_like_women_with_curves/
%
What does a Super Saiyan always put on his sandwich?

Ka-Mayomayo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/415tuw/what_does_a_super_saiyan_always_put_on_his/
%
A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise

The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/415q26/a_local_movie_theatre_was_robbed_of_600_worth_of/
%
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/415nrr/what_is_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding/
%
what is the disease that killed princes diana?

Car pole tunnel syndrome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/415k6a/what_is_the_disease_that_killed_princes_diana/
%
Did you hear about the new divorcee Barbie?

She comes with all of Ken's stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/415j5w/did_you_hear_about_the_new_divorcee_barbie/
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I'm not sure if I have constipation or diarrhoea.

I'll find out by a process of elimination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/415h3s/im_not_sure_if_i_have_constipation_or_diarrhoea/
%
An employee tells his boss...

Hey, that's a nice car you have there.
The boss looks at him and says:
Work hard, stay after hours, and next year, it'll be even nicer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/415b3l/an_employee_tells_his_boss/
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I used to think the brain was the most important organ...

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4154z0/i_used_to_think_the_brain_was_the_most_important/
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Why didn't the engineer cross his own bridge?

Because he didn't truss it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4154es/why_didnt_the_engineer_cross_his_own_bridge/
%
Why did the musician give his daughters the same name?

So he could yell "Anna 1, Anna 2!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4152b6/why_did_the_musician_give_his_daughters_the_same/
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Man runs over a skunk...

His wife yells at him to drive back to see if it's still alive...
So they drive back and truly, the skunk was still breathing, so the wife wants to take it to the vet. So she takes it to the car and asks her husband: "Where should I put it?"
The husband says: "I don't know... just hold it between your legs?"
Wife: "OK... but... what about the stench?"
Husband: "Oh, the stench?? Well, just cover it's snout..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4151im/man_runs_over_a_skunk/
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What did the hair stylist do when the Beach Boys came on?

The barber ran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4150nk/what_did_the_hair_stylist_do_when_the_beach_boys/
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Three American salesmen were caught in a Middle Eastern harem.

One tried to explain "A cab driver told us this was a cat house and snuck us in the back door."
"No excuses!" the Emir shouted. "Any man who enters my harem must pay dearly!"
He then became very thoughtful. "If you were my people, you would be put to death at once. But tensions are high and beheading Americans would cause more trouble than you're worth."
He thought for a while more, and then smiled. "I think I know a fitting punishment. You --" he said, pointing to the first one. "What do you do for a living?"
"I sell equipment to butchers. You know, knives and meat slicers."
"Excellent," the Emir said. "We will use one of your cleavers to cut off your penis!" He turned to the second one. "What do you sell?"
"Fire equipment. Hoses and extinguishers."
"Excellent," the Emir said. "We shall burn off your penis!" He turned to the third and said "What do you sell?"
"Lollipops."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/414x98/three_american_salesmen_were_caught_in_a_middle/
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One morning, a man was feeling under the weather at work

so he told his boss that he's going home, since he's not feeling well.
His boss mentions that whenever he's not feeling well, he goes home and makes love to his wife, and that always makes him feel better. He recommends the employee try that and let him know.
The employee agrees and leaves work. Later that day, his boss sees him come back to work, so he asks him if his advice helped.
The employee responds that it did help, and that he's feeling a lot better, and by the way "You have a lovely house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/414vxk/one_morning_a_man_was_feeling_under_the_weather/
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What do you give to the man who has everything?

Penicillin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/414v4n/what_do_you_give_to_the_man_who_has_everything/
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If you put a picture of yourself in a locket

You could say you are
Independent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/414tvg/if_you_put_a_picture_of_yourself_in_a_locket/
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What do you call 2 Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/414nt5/what_do_you_call_2_mexicans_playing_basketball/
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John's last fart

Ol John loved to fart. Perhaps what he loved most was that it pissed off his wife Nellie when he farted in bed early in the morning to wake her up, always in her direction. He would hold it back and build all the pressure he could stand, then let it fly, making all the noise he could. One day the wife told him that his blasting habit could eventually result in him blowing his insides out. He laughed at her, letting go with another popper to accent his amusement.  Disgusted, she decided to make her point another way. While preparing a turkey to bake, she had an idea. She saved the guts from the turkey and set them outside for a couple days to ripen. The she got up early one morning, and warmed the ripe guts to body temperature. She took them to the bedroom where John was still sleeping and dumped them right beside his ass.
John came out a bit later, white as a sheet. He was walking carefully and keeping his cheeks pinched tightly. He carefully sat down and said, "Nellie, you were right and I should have listened to you! I cut a big one this morning, and my guts blew right out my ass!  He was scared and on the verge of tears. Nellie said "I warned you! What are you going to do now?" John said "well- I'm just hoping it will be all right. With the grace of god and a curtain rod, I got them all back in".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/414k82/johns_last_fart/
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A plane runs out of gas mid flight...

While flying over the mountains, a pilot realizes his plane doesn't have enough gas to make it to the nearest airport. The copilot goes to check on the parachutes, while the pilot explains the situation to the passengers- Abraham Lincoln, Bono, George bush and a little boy and girl. The copilot comes back and informs them that there are only 6 parachutes. The pilot says "I helped fly the plane, so I should get one." The pilot jumps out with a parachute. The copilot says "me too!" And jumps out behind him. Abraham Lincoln declares "I helped rid the world of slavery, so I should get one." Lincoln jumps out. Bono gives a peace sign, takes one, and exits. George Bush says "I'm the smartest man in the world, I should get one!" And he jumps out. The boy and girl look at each other and the girl says "Well, there is only one left, how should we decide who gets it?" The boy replies "No, there are two." "What are you talking about?" Says the girl. The boy lifts up 2 parachutes and says "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/414hkr/a_plane_runs_out_of_gas_mid_flight/
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Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Cause then it'd be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/414895/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches_long/
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At first I didn't like my new haircut

but it slowly grew on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4147qb/at_first_i_didnt_like_my_new_haircut/
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I'm directing a film...

... And starring in it, as a shaggy groundskeeper from Northern New England who leads midnight raids on the estate's garden.
I'm the main character, mane caretaker, Maine carrot-taker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4146yo/im_directing_a_film/
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Terrorist Pick-Up Line

"Hey girl, is your ass America? Because I want to destroy it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4142ov/terrorist_pickup_line/
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Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages.

We just want to set them free and play with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41400c/men_look_at_boobs_for_the_same_reason_women_look/
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Teacher: What comes after 69?

Student: Mouthwash.
Teacher: Get out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/413y9p/teacher_what_comes_after_69/
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A woman calls her butler into the bedroom

and says:
"Jeeves, take off my gloves."
Jeeves replies: "Yes my lady."
The lady then continues by saying:
"Now Jeeves, I want you take off my dress and corset."
Jeeves replies: "Of course, my lady."
The lady then says:
"Jeeves, now I want you to take off my undergarments."
Jeeves obliges the request and says:
"As you wish.  Will there be anything else my lady?"
The lady replies:
"Yes Jeeves, please don't ever wear my clothes again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/413mea/a_woman_calls_her_butler_into_the_bedroom/
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3 nuns go to heaven

At the pearly gates St.Peter says "before I let you in you most confess your sins. The first nun in line says "I touched a man's shoulder". St.Peter replies "go over there to the holy water and wash your hands. Then you may go in".
The second nun starts to speak but the third nun pushes her out of the way. St.Peter asks "why are you in such a hurry?". The third nun replies "I wanted to wash my mouth out before she sits in it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/413may/3_nuns_go_to_heaven/
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How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all your booze?

You invite two of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/413m2i/how_do_you_get_a_mormon_to_stop_drinking_all_your/
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An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman...

were wandering through the rainforest when they were suddenly ambushed by a tribe of cannibals. They were told by the chief they were each to go into the forest and collect 10 fruits and return to the tribe to learn their fate.
They all go their separate ways into the forest and after a little while the Englishman comes back with 10 apples.
The chief says "you must put all the fruits up your butt without showing any pain at all."
He tries, but it can't be done and he screams out in pain and is immediately killed by the tribe.
Then the Welshman comes back with 10 berries and is set the same task. He does very well and is putting in the 10th when he suddenly bursts out in laughter, and is killed by the tribe.
He later meets up with the Englishman in heaven.
"why did you laugh?"
"I saw the Irishman coming back with pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/413kph/an_englishman_a_welshman_and_an_irishman/
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What hand do you wipe with?

Answer: left or right
Response: why not use toilet paper?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/413jvk/what_hand_do_you_wipe_with/
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Have you heard of airplane skirts?

They're so short, you can see the cockpit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/413ih8/have_you_heard_of_airplane_skirts/
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The Magic Cure[NSFW]

In a royal court the jester and the court physician are close friends. one day the jester expresses his fantasy of sucking the queen's tits to the physician. the physician says he can make it happen as long as the jester does what he says and pays him 10 gold coins after it is done, the jester agrees. during a routine exam the physician puts irritant in the queen's shirt. in the evening the king calls the royal physicians and tells him about the rash the queen has on her upper body the physician after through examination tells the king that there is only one cure. to get the affected area licked by a man who has eaten a lion's tongue. turns out the jester has recently told the king about him eating a lion's tongue in Africa years ago. The jester is called and gets his hearts desire. afterwards the physician demands payment from the jester who blatantly refuses to pay.the physician leaves without saying a word. a few days later the jester is woken up in the night by a runner
"wake up the king is calling you"
Jester: why
Runner: "the king has a rash on his balls"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/413idt/the_magic_curensfw/
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A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..

The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000.
The man agrees.
6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night.
While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants.
"Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?"
He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/413hqm/a_man_goes_to_india_for_a_cheap_penis_extension/
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Groom - Bride joke!

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.  His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Originally shared here: http://360trendz.com/quizzes/german-joke-or-english-joke/444

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/413c9l/groom_bride_joke/
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Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy, the other is a little lighter.
Saw this online, laughed a bit too much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41385d/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It's a shihtzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4136iu/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo_the_only_animal_in_the/
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I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work...

I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4131o1/i_woke_up_suddenly_terrified_im_late_for_work/
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I beat a black belt at karate.

My next challenger is a green sock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/413135/i_beat_a_black_belt_at_karate/
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THE WINE TASTER

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass...
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
"Correct."
A third glass...
"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41310j/the_wine_taster/
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery

. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
shaolin kung fuThe monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
...
...
.........
..............
...............
..................
....................
.......................
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/412tm6/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road_and_breaks_down/
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What gets bigger every time I see my wife.

My wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/412q0y/what_gets_bigger_every_time_i_see_my_wife/
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I robbed a cookery shop last night...

to make it big you've got to take some whisks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/412fdj/i_robbed_a_cookery_shop_last_night/
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Teacher-Student Joke

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/412bwd/teacherstudent_joke/
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A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"
Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/412b7j/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_with_a_terrible_rash_on/
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Happiest old man or what

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman
noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old
redhead. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make
love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying!
You should be the happiest man in the world!"
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/411w3v/happiest_old_man_or_what/
%
Why do some people dislike twitch chat?

It's just not their Kappa tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/411vaf/why_do_some_people_dislike_twitch_chat/
%
Where's your assistant?

A man walks in to his local butchers and asks, "What happened to your assistant? He was a lovely, young boy"
"Oh, I had to fire him" replied the butcher, "He kept putting his dick in the bacon slicer"
"Really?! What happened to the bacon slicer?"
"Oh... I fired her too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/411vaj/wheres_your_assistant/
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An experienced customs officer is having a shift on the border

At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.
"What do you have in this sack?"
"Sand."
"Well let me check."
The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's nothing else, so he lets the man go.
The next day the same man shows up, again pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat, and again there was nothing but sand in it.
After a few days of this playing out, the customs officer holds up the man a little longer.
"Listen pal, I've been in this job for 10 years now, I can recognize a smuggler from a mile away. I have no definite proof, but I know you have been taking something past this border and it's driving me crazy. Let's make a deal - you tell me what you are smuggling and I won't stop you any more. So what is it?"
And the man replied.
"Bicycles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/411swx/an_experienced_customs_officer_is_having_a_shift/
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What is the difference between an american and a canadian?

69 cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/411p7s/what_is_the_difference_between_an_american_and_a/
%
A student asks his teacher if he can go to the bathroom

"You can go to the bathroom after you recite the alphabet," replies the teacher.
The student recites the alphabet: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z"
"Where's the 'P'"? asks the teacher.
"Dripping down my leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/411km0/a_student_asks_his_teacher_if_he_can_go_to_the/
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I'm afraid our fetish-friendly sex robot won't be ready on time.

We haven't worked out all the kinks yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/411fsg/im_afraid_our_fetishfriendly_sex_robot_wont_be/
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How does Moses make coffee?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/411fam/how_does_moses_make_coffee/
%
I like your name

Thanks I got it for my birthday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4119ty/i_like_your_name/
%
A man at a party sees a very attractive woman

He walks up and says, "You are beautiful and I have to have you. Would you sleep with me for $2,000?"
"Yes." She says.
He walks away and comes back and says, "Would you sleep with me for $20?"
She gets angry and says, "What kind of woman do you thing I am!?"
Guy says, "We've already established that. Now we are simply negotiating the price. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4113oh/a_man_at_a_party_sees_a_very_attractive_woman/
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Chocolate Milk

A man is sitting at a bar thinking aloud to himself, he says "man, I haven't sucked on a good tit in a while"
A man sitting down the bar replies "well you outta head upstairs bud, theres a woman up there with chocolate breastmilk"
The first man, not believing the seconds words heads upstairs to see if this is true.
So here he is, sucking on this womans tit when lo and behold chocolate milk comes out!
The man is baffled and decides to call his friend, "Jim! You gotta get over here you wont believe this!"
Jim arrives and the two men are sucking away on this womans teets and again, chocolate milk comes out.
Both moth are absolutely amazed and must know whats happening here, so they ask the woman "why is it that you have chocolate milk coming out of your breasts?"
Shes says "you may call it chocolate milk, but I call it breast cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4113di/chocolate_milk/
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What do they use to pay for things in the Vatican?

Paypal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41131f/what_do_they_use_to_pay_for_things_in_the_vatican/
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A Russian walks into an alchohal rehab facility...

Wait...what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4110t8/a_russian_walks_into_an_alchohal_rehab_facility/
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Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few minutes

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/410zs9/give_a_man_a_match_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_few/
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Watching Pulp Fiction for the first time, thought this was the best.

Three tomatoes are walking down the street. A papa tomato, a mama tomato, and a baby tomato. Now the baby tomato starts lagging behind, the papa tomato gets pissed and squishes him saying "Ketchup"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/410ywa/watching_pulp_fiction_for_the_first_time_thought/
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How do you make 3 pounds of fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/410yml/how_do_you_make_3_pounds_of_fat_attractive/
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What happens when you smoke weed in Saudi Arabia?

You get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/410ye0/what_happens_when_you_smoke_weed_in_saudi_arabia/
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat..

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/410wy6/a_man_boarded_an_airplane_and_took_his_seat_as_he/
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Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor who killed everyone?

He had locomotives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/410vsw/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_conductor/
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An English gent was having a go with his lady

She decided she wanted to start mixing up in the bedroom. One night she looked at him dead in the eyes as they were banging and said "make love to me like you've never made love to me before!"
So he took his socks off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/410uca/an_english_gent_was_having_a_go_with_his_lady/
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The Parrot

A woman went to the pet shop buy a parrot. She found this one she liked a lot but the seller warned her
"He is really intelligent, and talks all kinds of words, but... His last owner ran a whorehouse, so he is kind of dirty..." The woman, confident it'd be no problem, buys him. When she gets home with the parrot he says
"New Whorehouse, new pimp" the woman laughs, and get over it quickly. Later that day, when her two daughters arrive from school, the parrot says,
"New whorehouse, new pimp, new bitches..." The mother explains everything to her daughters and they understand. When her husband arrives from work the parrot says
"New whorehouse, new pimp, new bitches... HEY DAVID!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/410txe/the_parrot/
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Shooting the Dog

A woman was pregnant with triplets. One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up, and gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives. She goes to the doctor who tells her, her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says, "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day, the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day, the son comes out, and says, "MOM, MOM", and she  says, "let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" He replies, "no, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/410pqj/shooting_the_dog/
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A mum visits her son for dinner...

A mum visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious...
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, her son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just
roommates and nothing more."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :
"Dear Mum,
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son."
Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:
"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mum. xx"
EDIT - Okay I get it was on reddit before - a friend shared it to me and I thought it was good and did't think it was on here already or if it had been, it would have been here a long time ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/410k0z/a_mum_visits_her_son_for_dinner/
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Mr Peg, my Digital Photography teacher, just passed away.

Rest in peace Jay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/410jb5/mr_peg_my_digital_photography_teacher_just_passed/
%
How do you know an angle is dead?

When it shows no vital sines

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4108so/how_do_you_know_an_angle_is_dead/
%
Whats the difference between being hungry and horny?

Depends where you put the cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4105rs/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
%
What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles in your pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4104ff/whats_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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Two guys go to a fancy dress party naked... With a twist

They had to dress up as an emotion.
One guy drilled a hole in a pear and slipped it on his old fella.
The other guy got a bowl of custard on a string, tied it around his waist so the bowl was at front with his penis in the custard.
They get to the door. "what the fuck are you dressed as"?  The host asked shocked.
They reply
I've come in despair
And I'm fucking disgusted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40zskw/two_guys_go_to_a_fancy_dress_party_naked_with_a/
%
What quality was the wine that Jesus made ?

Bloody good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40zq9i/what_quality_was_the_wine_that_jesus_made/
%
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

The one he gets from his internet provider for copyright infringement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40zq76/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
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What do you call an extremely constipated person?

Whatever you like. They don't give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40znhe/what_do_you_call_an_extremely_constipated_person/
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How Does a Racist Joke Start?

With a small million dollar loan from his father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40zlel/how_does_a_racist_joke_start/
%
A man in a job interview is asked "Do you have any experience?"

A man in a job interview is asked
Interviewer: "Do you have any experience?"
Man "I was a woodcutter in Sahara."
Interviewer: "But Sahara is a desert."
Man: "It is a desert now."
Interviewer: "The job is yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40zjk0/a_man_in_a_job_interview_is_asked_do_you_have_any/
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Robot for sale

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his 6 year old son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother twice.
Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40zh1u/robot_for_sale/
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Paraplegic people go to hell ...

Paraplegic people go to hell because there's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40zh0c/paraplegic_people_go_to_hell/
%
Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy...

It feels great, until you look down and realize you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ze0p/wearing_crocs_is_like_getting_a_blowjob_from_a_guy/
%
My wife and I got into a heated argument.

"I met a man...but I married a boy." she said, her face full of rage.
I said, "I guess the jokes on you then, paedo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40zbvf/my_wife_and_i_got_into_a_heated_argument/
%
A sheep, a drum, & a snake fall down a cliff...

BA-DUMM-TSS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40z8pl/a_sheep_a_drum_a_snake_fall_down_a_cliff/
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I wish my girlfriend was more like my job...

My job sucks dick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40z6vq/i_wish_my_girlfriend_was_more_like_my_job/
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If some last names were an ancestor's profession (Baker, Cobbler)

How do you explain Dickinson?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40z0g0/if_some_last_names_were_an_ancestors_profession/
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A religious man is on his boat at sea

. Hes all alone when his boat starts to sink. Luckily a nearby boat sees that he is sinking and goes over to rescue him. The rescuer shouts from his boat "climb aboard, ill save you". The religious man shouts back "no thank you, god will save me." So the rescuer continues onward.
1 hour later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by to save him. Again, the religious man says "No thank you. God will save me." The rescuer continues onward.
Another hour passes and the water level is now up to his neck when yet a third boat arrives to help him out. But again the religious man says "No thank you. God will save me".
Soon after that, the water raises over his head and he drowns and dies. When he gets to heaven he goes up to God and says "hey God, why didn't you save me?". And God says "dude i tried. I sent three boats".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40z040/a_religious_man_is_on_his_boat_at_sea/
%
Donald Trump is 69.

Let's hope the death trend carries on. Third time's the charm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40z00o/donald_trump_is_69/
%
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Need to know ASAP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40yumg/how_many_blondes_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A Farmer buys 2 Chickens

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much,"he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, " I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. how do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ysn1/a_farmer_buys_2_chickens/
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What does a vulture bring with him on the airplane?

His carrion bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40yptc/what_does_a_vulture_bring_with_him_on_the_airplane/
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Ethnic joke...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...
... walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...
"You can't come in here without a Thai."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40yp1f/ethnic_joke/
%
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said Maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ynyb/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air and sober up a little". So he crawls his way to the door, throws it open, and crawls outside. He tries to get up again, no luck. "Ok, it's not too far, I'll just crawl home and sleep it off". So the Irishman crawls all the way home and passes out on his couch. The next morning he wakes up to his wife yelling at him "god damnet Seamus, the bar just called, you left your wheelchair there again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40yniv/an_irishman_is_drinking_whiskey_at_a_bar/
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I was clearing out my loft today when I found a catalogued list of paedophiles

Naturally I was baffled to find such a thing in my loft, so I did a double take, and realised it was a TV guide from 1973.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ygo5/i_was_clearing_out_my_loft_today_when_i_found_a/
%
My wife showed me her baby photos.

She said, "Here's one of me when I was 3."
I replied, "Wow, and there's me thinking you were like a fine wine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ygju/my_wife_showed_me_her_baby_photos/
%
A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What the hell are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.
"I'm a turtle," the man replies.
"What a pile of shite!" the host replies. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"
"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40yg5v/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party_with_nothing_but_a/
%
I wanted to share a joke about my asian daughter...

but it's just not good enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40yg0e/i_wanted_to_share_a_joke_about_my_asian_daughter/
%
Johny the Fighter Pilot

A  teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you
grow up?"
Little  Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot,  then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find  me the finest Prostitute, give her a Ferrari worth over a  million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in  Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa  Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door  in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this   horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with  the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"
"I  wanna be Johnny’s Prostitute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40yf34/johny_the_fighter_pilot/
%
A sniper and his spotter are practicing on the range...

The sniper shoulders the spotter and says "Buddy I hate to be the one to tell you but I just scoped back over towards the barracks and your wife is cheating on you with the XO." The spotter gets a grim look in his eyes and mutters "Shoot the bitch in the head and the bastard in the balls." The sniper shrugs and says "Thank God, only had one bullet left."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40yd12/a_sniper_and_his_spotter_are_practicing_on_the/
%
Foreman Problems

A foreman was at the base of a building being constructed and could not locate his trusty hammer. He spots a worker a few floors up and yells to him "Hey could you toss me down a hammer?" The worker apparently couldn't hear what was yelled and he yelled back "What?"
Again the foreman yells "Toss me a hammer!"
"What ??"
The foreman then begins to use his own style of sign language in the form of charades, pointing to his eye, then to his knee, then taking his hand to make a hammering motion.
The worker shrugged as if to say he could not understand.
Again the foreman tries while mouthing out "I" (pointing to his eye), "need" (pointing to his knee), "a hammer" (making a hammering motion with his hand)
The worker seemed dumbfounded and at once dropped his pants and began vigerously jerking himself off.
The foreman was so enraged that he rushed to the floor to which the worker was and began berating him "What the fuck is wrong with you? I was trying to tell you I need a hammer!"
To which the worker replied "Yes, I know, and I was trying to tell you I was coming"
-
I searched a bit for this joke in the sub and couldnt find it, sorry if at some point its been posted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ybgx/foreman_problems/
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Today it was so cold in the morning that..

I saw a democrat with his hand in his own pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40yawz/today_it_was_so_cold_in_the_morning_that/
%
What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave?

Do you mind if I Slytherin?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40y5p2/what_did_alan_rickman_say_when_he_stood_over/
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Two Irishmen were fishing in a lake...

...when one of them caught a strange-looking lamp. After pulling it off his line, a genie appeared and said, "None of this three wishes nonsense. You get one wish between the two of you, so you better make it good."
The man who caught the lamp blurts out, "I wish every lake, ocean, and river on Earth were made entirely out of beer!"
The genie snaps his fingers and says, "Done." and then disappears.
The other fisherman smacks his partner across his face and says, "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40y37h/two_irishmen_were_fishing_in_a_lake/
%
The waiter came up to my table and said, "Can I take your order?"

I said, "Sure."
He said, "Thanks, I'm just really hungry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40y2bv/the_waiter_came_up_to_my_table_and_said_can_i/
%
What is the Asian firefighter's favorite song?

The Sound of Sirens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40y1lq/what_is_the_asian_firefighters_favorite_song/
%
What do you call an Egyptian cat's butthole?

A sphinxter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40xvp9/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_cats_butthole/
%
What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40xuj6/what_do_you_do_with_an_elephant_with_3_balls/
%
At the end of a busy night in a bar a clearly drunk man approaches the bartender. "Hey man," he says, "I'll bet you $50 I can stand at one end of the bar and pee clear to the other end." He has to clean the bar anyway, so this sounds like an easy 50 to the bartender. He agrees.

"Great! I'll be right back." The man then approaches a group of wasted guys in expensive suits and after a little bit of chatting and back slapping, he returns. He climbs onto the bar, whips it out and proceeds to pee...no more than a foot or so distance. The bartender laughs to himself,  thinking he's just made fifty bucks. The drunken guy looks excited and hands him fifty. "Thanks, man," he says as he climbs off the bar. The bartender looks confused. "What are you thanking me for?" "I bet that group of bankers $500 bucks each that I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't care!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40xsrd/at_the_end_of_a_busy_night_in_a_bar_a_clearly/
%
My girlfriend's dad wouldn't let us sleep together

which is a shame because he's very attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40xpsn/my_girlfriends_dad_wouldnt_let_us_sleep_together/
%
A man sees his dog chew up and swallow a pencil

Concerned, he immediately phones the vet.
"Doctor, my dog just chewed up and swallowed my pencil! What should i do?"
"Hmm...that sounds serious. You better bring him to me. I'll see you within a half hour."
"Yes, doctor, but what should I do in the meantime?"
"Use a pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40xizy/a_man_sees_his_dog_chew_up_and_swallow_a_pencil/
%
Suicide bombers

They're a dying breed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40xhi6/suicide_bombers/
%
I just ate a pizza covered in pepperoni and chillies.

To be honest, I looked pretty ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40xgze/i_just_ate_a_pizza_covered_in_pepperoni_and/
%
Bono and the Edge walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "Ugh, U2 again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40xe2h/bono_and_the_edge_walk_into_a_bar/
%
My SO is on a diet and I noticed she was staring at her food so I asked why.....

She said 'I'm watching what I eat'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40xbyw/my_so_is_on_a_diet_and_i_noticed_she_was_staring/
%
"Pornography has really damaged the way you view sex,"

exclaimed my girlfriend, "I've had enough, I'm leaving."
I said, "Before you go, can we fuck on the snooker table while your Grandad watches?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40x9rh/pornography_has_really_damaged_the_way_you_view/
%
A guy text to his neighbor

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40x830/a_guy_text_to_his_neighbor/
%
What do you call a cow stuck in a hurricane?

A milkshake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40x5aq/what_do_you_call_a_cow_stuck_in_a_hurricane/
%
What is the difference between Usian Bolt and Hitler ?

Usian Bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40x11i/what_is_the_difference_between_usian_bolt_and/
%
Relationships are like Algebra...

You look at your X and wonder Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40wykt/relationships_are_like_algebra/
%
How do mesquite trees get taller?

They stand on their mesqui-toes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40wrd0/how_do_mesquite_trees_get_taller/
%
People need to stop acting like animals have the same emotions as humans...

...they hate it when we do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40wn69/people_need_to_stop_acting_like_animals_have_the/
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A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40wijk/a_hero_comes_to_a_village/
%
Great Vampire joke I saw on here before.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st,
"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"
Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"
Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40wcj7/great_vampire_joke_i_saw_on_here_before/
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What does a balding man and a tortoise have in common?

Hare loss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40wc3n/what_does_a_balding_man_and_a_tortoise_have_in/
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Did you hear about the latest Calvin Klein Lawsuit?

Yeah - but it wasn't much of a suit. It was actually a brief case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40wamw/did_you_hear_about_the_latest_calvin_klein_lawsuit/
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A Christian and an atheist walk into a bar.

They proceed to have a few drinks and enjoy each other's company because they're not pretentious dicks.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40w90f/a_christian_and_an_atheist_walk_into_a_bar/
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My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle".

When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40w7mm/my_granma_got_my_granpa_a_new_pair_of_pants_when/
%
Why do SJWs hate dentists?

Because they want to make teeth straight and white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40vyje/why_do_sjws_hate_dentists/
%
Say what you want about paedophiles...

... at least they drive slowly through school zones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40vsel/say_what_you_want_about_paedophiles/
%
I once asked my friend from New Zealand to count how many girlfriends he's had

Shortly after attempting to do so, he fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40vme9/i_once_asked_my_friend_from_new_zealand_to_count/
%
I rented a prostitute for $60 an hour,

I paid her 50 cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40vjpk/i_rented_a_prostitute_for_60_an_hour/
%
When my buddy smokes weed with me, he calls it smoking me out.

Apparently bringing over a pizza and eating him out means something totally different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40vj1v/when_my_buddy_smokes_weed_with_me_he_calls_it/
%
What did Carmen's mom say when Carmen dropped her waffle in the sandbox?

"Where in the world is Carmen's sandy Eggo?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40visy/what_did_carmens_mom_say_when_carmen_dropped_her/
%
Grandpa goes to buy milk

One morning the grandma asks grandpa to pick up some milk as they've ran out. The grandpa agreed and got into his car then head for the grocery store. While the grandma waits for her husband, she turned the TV on only to see a breaking news: A Crazy Driver Going Against Traffic on the Road. Immediately the grandma picked up the phone to warn her husband.
Grandma: *Honey be careful there's a crazy driver on the road going against traffic*
Grandpa: *Don't worry dear I got this. And not just one car everyone is going against traffic today!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40vgig/grandpa_goes_to_buy_milk/
%
I'm American and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world...

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40vc33/im_american_and_im_sick_of_people_saying_america/
%
Repentance..

A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant  after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.
He took it outside and started smashing  the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with  my wife".
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't love my children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a decent job".
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated  for only a moment and said "you stand aside, I know you were not involved".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40vbui/repentance/
%
the butter churner asked the milk "whats wrong..."

the milk responded "im just a bit stirred up but ill be butter in a while"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40v9yi/the_butter_churner_asked_the_milk_whats_wrong/
%
I'm sick of all these passive-aggressive posts.

You know who you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40v6ad/im_sick_of_all_these_passiveaggressive_posts/
%
When I was younger, I always heard of people getting robbed at gunpoint.

If there's been so many robberies, why do people keep going to gunpoint?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40v1iy/when_i_was_younger_i_always_heard_of_people/
%
If I win tonight's Powerball, I'm sharing with everyone on Reddit.

I'm not sharing the money. I'll just let you know I won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40v070/if_i_win_tonights_powerball_im_sharing_with/
%
Protest in Scotland

So, this American guy go to Scotland and see that a lot of people are protesting on the street. So, he gets a hold of one of them and asked, what was it about?
"Bus fare" says the guy.
"Oh, how much did they increase it by?"
"They decreased it by 50p"
American guy is confused. "Why are you protesting then?"
"When we used to walk the bus route before we used to save 1 and a half pounds. Now we can only save 1 pound".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40uyoh/protest_in_scotland/
%
A priest and a lawyer are on a sinking ship

The priest yells, "women and children to the lifeboats first!". Then the lawyer, anxious to survive, says, "Fuck the children!" The priest replies, "do we have enough time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40uwzg/a_priest_and_a_lawyer_are_on_a_sinking_ship/
%
We should really use the blackjack scale to rate women.

For example:
"Every girl here is ugly"
"Well, what about her? "
"Eh, she's like a 15 or 16. Not sure if I'd hit it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40uu56/we_should_really_use_the_blackjack_scale_to_rate/
%
Why can't a bicycle stand with out a kick stand?

It's just two-tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40uspi/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_with_out_a_kick_stand/
%
I want to open a religious store called Mysterious Ways...

...just so I can watch God work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40uq84/i_want_to_open_a_religious_store_called/
%
I bought a new boomerang...

and went damn near crazy trying to throw the old one away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40uq1z/i_bought_a_new_boomerang/
%
If u stand in the pouring grain....

Your gonna get all wheat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40uot5/if_u_stand_in_the_pouring_grain/
%
Kid vs barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ul4j/kid_vs_barber/
%
What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef Jerkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40uiq2/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
%
I farted in front of a Jewish friend

He got offended but i said " c'mon a little gas never killed anybody"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40uhma/i_farted_in_front_of_a_jewish_friend/
%
There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant...

...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ug8j/there_is_nothing_wrong_with_drinking_while/
%
A chemist and his friend go to lunch. When asked what they want to drink,the chemist says, "I'll have some H2O." His friend says "I'll have some H2O too"

When they get their drinks, they both are fine because the waiter is a sensible person who is able to distinguish the difference between the chemical compound H2O2, hydrogen peroxide, and asking to have water, like his friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40uevg/a_chemist_and_his_friend_go_to_lunch_when_asked/
%
I ate an optimist once...

But I couldn't keep him down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ub6h/i_ate_an_optimist_once/
%
Seven Year Old Mohammad

Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher,  "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike.
"Are you ashamed of your name?  Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion?  Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him.  Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.  The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims."
If you were offended by my unknowing repost, please pm me directly so I can make a play-doh effigy of your username and do weird shit to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40uaom/seven_year_old_mohammad/
%
Why can't Kylie Jenner see her mom?

Because she's trans-parent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40u8lz/why_cant_kylie_jenner_see_her_mom/
%
I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a shit in days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40u72t/im_emotionally_constipated/
%
I put out a Want ad for a psychic...

It said, "You know when and where to show up. Don't be late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40u5t9/i_put_out_a_want_ad_for_a_psychic/
%
I keep having hallucinations of pickles.

My therapist says I'm dillusional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40u222/i_keep_having_hallucinations_of_pickles/
%
Geologists have jokes too

Steve: "Hey, what kind of rocks are these?"
Geologist: "They're sex stones."
Steve: "What? Really?"
Geologist: "Yeah. They're just fucking rocks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40twy3/geologists_have_jokes_too/
%
Study reveals 20% of men kiss wife goodbye when they leave the house. 80% of men kiss house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Conclusion. Want to keep your house, start kissing your wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40tsa0/study_reveals_20_of_men_kiss_wife_goodbye_when/
%
There's this 17 years old kid who's taking an exam for his driving license..

The examinator says "It's night. You see a single light coming towards you.. What is it?"
K: "Well.. It is a motorbike! "
K: "Ask me one more question! "
K: "Well.. It is a car! "
K: "Ask me one more question! "
K: "Well.. It is a truck! "
K: "Ok.. Can I ask YOU one last question?"
K: "It's night. You see a young girl in high heels, a short, short skirt and a bra. Who is she? "
K: "No, no.. You have to be more specific!
.. Is it your mother, your wife, or your daughter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40tqxu/theres_this_17_years_old_kid_whos_taking_an_exam/
%
What did the Nazi say to the clock that went tick-tick-tick?

Ve have vays of making you tock...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40tp7t/what_did_the_nazi_say_to_the_clock_that_went/
%
I asked this Asian girl for her number

And she said "sex sex sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said "wow, oh my god why???"
But then her friend turned to me and said "Sorry, her accent is very strong. She meant 666-3629"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40tlvh/i_asked_this_asian_girl_for_her_number/
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What's with all the clocks?

A man who recently died had a meeting with God. He was waiting outside, looking at a large wall of clocks outside his office. God stepped out to invite him inside.
**M:** Hey, what's with all these clocks?
**G:** Ah, this is the wall shows every lie everyone has ever told. The lies are represented by clocks. Every time someone tells a lie, the clock moves 1 minute.
**M:** Wow there's a lot of people up here. Look, George Washington's clock never moved! Mine is at 2:27.... Hmm. Hey, where's Donald Trump's clock?
**G:** Oh, I keep that in my office and use it as a fan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40teez/whats_with_all_the_clocks/
%
My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing.

Apparently,
"Heating your dinner"
wasn't a good answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40tb53/my_girl_caught_me_blowing_my_dick_with_the_air/
%
Important copyright notice

Remember, if you sing "Happy Birthday" to the Queen, it is still *not* royalty-free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40t9g1/important_copyright_notice/
%
A preacher, a priest, and a rabbi are out on a boat...

A Christian preacher, a Catholic priest, and a Jewish rabbi are out on a boat for the day. They've been out for a couple of hours, and it's really hot outside. The preacher says, "Boy, it's hot out here! I think i'll go get a drink." He then steps out of the boat and starts walking across the water. He keeps walking until he reaches the shore, and walks over to a vending machine and buys a soda. Then he walks back across the water and gets back in the boat. Then the rabbi says, "Come to think of it, I'm really thirsty too! I think i'll get a drink also." He then gets out of the boat, walks across the water, buys a drink, walks back across the water, and gets back in the boat, just like the preacher. Then the priest says, "I think i'll go get a drink too!" He gets out of the boat and starts walking across the water, but sinks immediately. Then preacher says to the rabbi, "Think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40t87p/a_preacher_a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_out_on_a_boat/
%
Dad: What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? Son: I don't know, what?

Dad: You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
Son: But, Dad, what about the glue?
Dad: I knew you'd get stuck there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40t7z9/dad_whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_a_tuna/
%
If you have sex on a boat...

...is that off-shore drilling?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40t7mp/if_you_have_sex_on_a_boat/
%
What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40t6y4/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_a_drug/
%
I hate being the only drunk person at the party

It totally ruined my sons 6th birthday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40szlx/i_hate_being_the_only_drunk_person_at_the_party/
%
The Welsh were among the first to use sheep intestines as condoms....

The English perfected them by removing them from the sheep before using.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40sw2n/the_welsh_were_among_the_first_to_use_sheep/
%
How can you tell if a chemistry joke is shitty?

If there isn't a reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40svhg/how_can_you_tell_if_a_chemistry_joke_is_shitty/
%
A man invites his Jewish friend out for lunch

Upon arriving at the restaurant, his friend says "I'm not sure I can eat here. Is Burger King kosher?" The man waved his hand dismissively and says "Don't worry, it's Burger King: Have it Yahweh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40sno7/a_man_invites_his_jewish_friend_out_for_lunch/
%
Couples Couseling...

There is a couple that has been married for 25 years. The wife books an appointment because of some issues they have been having.  At the session, she divulges some of the weird quirks that her husband has had for 25 years that are driving her nuts.
First off, he works for 12+ hours a day and even when he is home, he keeps working.  Secondly, he blows his nose CONSTANTLY! like a few times every hour. Lastly when they have sex, he will only ever do missionary position.  She have tried getting him to do other things in bet but to no avail.  She says something has to give because she feels disconnected.
It is now the husbands turn to talk...he says..."Well I am just doing  what my father told me to do all these years...work hard, keep your nose clean, and dont fuck up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40sl5q/couples_couseling/
%
Why are pills white?

Because they work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40skcy/why_are_pills_white/
%
A liberal wins the powerball!

Millionaires and Billionaires aren't so bad now after all!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40sget/a_liberal_wins_the_powerball/
%
A long-range trucker was returning home for the holidays

He was looking forward to seeing his family. However, the snows of December were coming in, and eventually it was a full blizzard. He decided to pull over and stay overnight in a little town. The next morning, he went to a diner to get breakfast. He saw eggs benidict on the menu. The waiter said it would be the best eggs benedict he ever had, so he ordered it. It came out on a hubcap. He thought it was odd, but nobody was saying anything. He took a bite and it was the best thing he'd ever tasted. When he was ready for the check, he told the waiter that it was phenominal. When he asked about the hubcap, the waiter said,
There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40sg5s/a_longrange_trucker_was_returning_home_for_the/
%
Trampolines used to be called jumpolines

Until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40sfop/trampolines_used_to_be_called_jumpolines/
%
In MILF porn...

There's always one motherfucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40se5s/in_milf_porn/
%
Which gun has a perfect rating?

A Five-seven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40sc9u/which_gun_has_a_perfect_rating/
%
I'm going to run a 5K to Finland.

When you enter the country it will be the Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40s9nd/im_going_to_run_a_5k_to_finland/
%
Little Johnny

was getting ready to leave school when he heard his friend panicking. He walks to his friend
LJ: "Hey, are you okay? What's wrong?"
Girl: "LITTLE JOHNNY! You have to help me! I am bleeding and I do not know why and I am so scared and I do not know what to do! You have to help me! Please!"
LJ: "You're bleeding?! Okay, okay, where are you bleeding?"
*She points down at her skirt*
LJ: "Hmm, now I see some of the blood, well, I guess I can take a look and give you my opinion?"
She pulls down her skirt and underwear. Little Johnny takes a look, a few seconds go by...
Girl: "So, Little Johnny, what do you think is wrong?!"
LJ: "Well, I ain't a doctor, but one thing is for sure. Looks like someone tore your balls off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40s8be/little_johnny/
%
a man walks into a whore house with a dollar

He waves his dollar around and asks the manager what will this get me? The manager says: " well we have a dead hooker up stairs you can take your time with." The man agrees and heads up stairs, after a while he come back down. The manager asks him "well how was it?" The guy says it was great, but her nose kept running the whole time. The manager tells him "oh she must be full again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40s5hj/a_man_walks_into_a_whore_house_with_a_dollar/
%
Why did the double arm amputee unsubscribe from r/jokes?

He lost his sense of humerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40s2hk/why_did_the_double_arm_amputee_unsubscribe_from/
%
Life after death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40s28c/life_after_death/
%
Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets ?

To run his hands through his hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ryta/why_did_the_bald_man_cut_holes_in_his_pockets/
%
Genie on the beach

A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK, then, I want to die after Congress balances the budget and eliminates the debt.
"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40rxq5/genie_on_the_beach/
%
I'm going to start a charity for the clinically insane.

Gonna call it "Fundamental"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40rvw6/im_going_to_start_a_charity_for_the_clinically/
%
Why do you never see any bugs in a church?

Because they are in sects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40rufb/why_do_you_never_see_any_bugs_in_a_church/
%
If Jesus played soccer, what position would he play?

Not on the wing, he doesn't do well with crosses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40rs5j/if_jesus_played_soccer_what_position_would_he_play/
%
-Hi, do you have books on midget discrimination?

-Yeah, look on that top shelf in the corner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40rrdy/hi_do_you_have_books_on_midget_discrimination/
%
I think there's a better word for underwear...

... Butt hat's none of my business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40rq43/i_think_theres_a_better_word_for_underwear/
%
How do you catch a WiFi?

With an ethernet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40rm43/how_do_you_catch_a_wifi/
%
I saw that a fellow Redditor needed a liver.

Lets just say
(•_•) / ( •_•)>⌐□-□ / (⌐□_□)
OP De-livered
&nbsp;
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Not ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^a ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^true ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40rlw2/i_saw_that_a_fellow_redditor_needed_a_liver/
%
I just want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa...

Not like the passengers in his car who were screaming quite loudly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40rk0r/i_just_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
Sometimes I like to sit on the floor, bring my knees up to my chest and then lean forward.

But that's just how I roll.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40rh0s/sometimes_i_like_to_sit_on_the_floor_bring_my/
%
What type of music do they play at Chinese Restaurants ?

Wok n' Roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40rg1a/what_type_of_music_do_they_play_at_chinese/
%
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

HE drank coffee before it was cool,  man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40rb91/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
Dating a Guinness record holder

A woman starts dating a Guinness record holder: the man with the longest penis.
Things are fine for some time, but they soon break up.
When her friends ask her why they broke up, she says: "Well... It was a long distance relationship".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40r1r7/dating_a_guinness_record_holder/
%
A joke told to me by my psychology professor...

I'll start by letting you know the backstory to this. It was the first day of class and my professor was giving a brief overview of physiological studies and theories. He then went into a very long description of a supposed psychologist who studied the training of dolphins and it went something like this:
A psychology student, finishing his doctorate, went to study the psychology of animals and spent some time at sea world studying Dolphins. He tried his best to train the Dolphins using positive reinforcement through treats of sardines and fresh fish. However, he was unable to find consistent results. Determined to find a pattern he stayed overnight for a week and observed the Dolphins, attempting to train them each morning.
On the fourth night he saw a flock of seagulls land in the dolphin habitat with their babies. The Dolphins proceeded to leap out of the water, scaring the adult seagulls away. Unfortunately the baby seagulls were unable to fly away and the Dolphins then swam up and had sex with them. The next morning he conducted the same tests he had earlier in the week and found that the Dolphins were much more receptive to taking orders.
The student, determined to find a correlation in the happiness of Dolphins and susceptibility to training, snuck off to a beach front the next night. He found a flock of sleeping seagulls and promptly stole all of the baby seagulls he could find. He carried as many of them as he could in his arms back to the dolphin tank at Sea world.
On his way back he encounter a sleeping lion. He slowly stepped over the lion, in an effort to not wake it. Immediately after he thought he was in the clear a bright flashlight was shone into his eyes.
A police officer had stopped him. The student asked, "what am I under arrest for?"
The office responded "Youre under arrest for transporting underage gulls across sedate lions for unorthodox porpoises."
I immediately face palmed but secretly loved the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40qx1c/a_joke_told_to_me_by_my_psychology_professor/
%
When one door closes...

An incognito window opens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40qrqq/when_one_door_closes/
%
I don't always roll a joint

But when I do, it's usually my ankle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40qk5z/i_dont_always_roll_a_joint/
%
2 Big Ladies

So two large ladies with heavy accents walk into a local pub, the guy next to them asked, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?" and they screamed, "WALES!" and then the guy said, "Sorry my bad, are you two whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40q84b/2_big_ladies/
%
A man overdosed on viagra

It was the hardest day of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40q83n/a_man_overdosed_on_viagra/
%
What do you call a smart blond?

A golden retriever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40q50k/what_do_you_call_a_smart_blond/
%
A man gets pulled over by a female cop.

He asks "what seems to be the problem, officer?", and the cop responds, "oh, nothing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40pzn7/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_a_female_cop/
%
A girl at my work is going to be having a baby.

I haven't decided which one yet though.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40pxgi/a_girl_at_my_work_is_going_to_be_having_a_baby/
%
What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A labracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40pvdc/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_can_do_magic/
%
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40pt1b/how_do_you_turn_a_duck_into_a_soul_singer/
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What has a bottom at its top?

A leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40pra3/what_has_a_bottom_at_its_top/
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What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ppi1/what_did_the_boy_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
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An idiot, a barber, and a bald man go on a journey...

At some point in the journey, they decide to set up camp for the night, so they agree to stay awake in four hour shifts to guard their stuff. The barber, having the first shift, gets bored and so ends up shaving the idiot's head. When his shift ends, he wakes up the idiot, who has the second shift. As he's coming to, the idiot rubs his head and finds he has no hair. "That barber is a right moron!" he exclaims, "He's got it all wrong and woken the bald man instead of me!"
(this joke from the Philogelos, is over a thousand years old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40pmfv/an_idiot_a_barber_and_a_bald_man_go_on_a_journey/
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Matthew McMonaughey's Lincoln doesn't make left turns...

It just goes all right, all right, all right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40plsh/matthew_mcmonaugheys_lincoln_doesnt_make_left/
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I ever tell you about the time I dated a midget?

I was just nuts over her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40plk2/i_ever_tell_you_about_the_time_i_dated_a_midget/
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Want to hear a joke about pizza?

Its cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40pi82/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_pizza/
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What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40pgvj/what_does_a_girl_want_more_than_anything_in_the/
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Why can't Donald Trump get elected?

Because no Juan will vote for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40pfwa/why_cant_donald_trump_get_elected/
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A man shot a guy in the butt from 1000m away

It was one helluva crack-shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40pesz/a_man_shot_a_guy_in_the_butt_from_1000m_away/
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The Japanese believe the color of a person's aura changes to cyan before they die.

Cyan-Aura

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40parc/the_japanese_believe_the_color_of_a_persons_aura/
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What do you call an Isis execution recorder

A daesh cam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40pac4/what_do_you_call_an_isis_execution_recorder/
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Religion is like Gym Classes

Some people whine excessively about it, most don't really care and those who take it too seriously usually don't go too far in life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40p9yk/religion_is_like_gym_classes/
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A homosexual, a pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar.

The bartender asks him what he would like to drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40p7z9/a_homosexual_a_pedophile_and_a_priest_walk_into_a/
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Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands in the air.

But how would I catch them?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40p4s3/sometimes_i_feel_like_throwing_my_hands_in_the_air/
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How do you get down from an Elephant?

You don't, you get down from a Goose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40p4hy/how_do_you_get_down_from_an_elephant/
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At the Pearly Gates

An Evangelical Christian dies and is taken up to the Pearly Gates where St Peter is waiting to greet him. St Peter informs him that he has one last wish he can request before stepping through the Gates. The Evangelical thinks about it for a minute, looks at St Peter and says, "You know, there is one thing. I'd love to see what hell is like for the sinners. I have spent my entire life warning them about their ways, so I'd like to see them in their just reward. I would really get a kick out of that!"
St. Peter motions him towards an elevator and tells him to push the H button.
The Evangelical steps into it, presses the button, and feels his stomach rise
as the elevator begins a rapid dissent.
Finally, after 5 long minutes the trip ends and the Evangelical steps through the doors. The first thing that hits his senses is the live band music emanating from a stage. Then the sights and sounds of thousands of souls, eating, laughing, dancing, singing, and having a good time wash over him.Everywhere, as far as the eye can see, are tables piled high with food, scantily clad ladies frolicking around the tables giggling, with laughing men clutching at them.
After a few minutes, the visibly upset Evangelical retreats into the elevator
and ascends back up to the PG level. (Pearly Gates, if you didn't get it.)
As the doors open he angrily steps out to see St Peter beckoning him towards a
door past the gates labeled "Dining Room." He enters it famished to find a dull white room without any furnishings. Only a bare bulb lights it. A moment later Jesus enters the room with a folding card table and three folding chairs which he sets up. A few minutes later St Peter enters carrying three paper plates with peanut butter & banana sammiches.
They all sit down in silence to eat. With each passing minute the Evangelical
is becoming more visibly agitated. Finally St Peter asks him what is wrong. The
Evangelical says, "Look, down there in hell they are having the party of the century with wine, women, and song. Up here we are eating this crap in a dull lifeless room. What the hell is going on?"
St Peter looks at him in amazement, "You don't really think we are going to go to all that trouble just for the three of us, do you????"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40osne/at_the_pearly_gates/
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What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?

Guardians of the galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40oram/what_do_you_call_security_guards_working_outside/
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So a finch asks his mother...

"Mom, why does my beak look different than yours?"
She replies, "Well son, I hate to break it to you, but you're adapted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40oqa7/so_a_finch_asks_his_mother/
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Working with horses is hard

but it's stable work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40opt5/working_with_horses_is_hard/
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It's not fair that women make 77 cents for every dollar a man makes...

...that only leaves 23 cents for the guy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40opq6/its_not_fair_that_women_make_77_cents_for_every/
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[Star Wars spoiler] What did Han....

Tell Leia after they separated?
-----
*May Divorce be with you.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40oog4/star_wars_spoiler_what_did_han/
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What's pretty and expensive but has no use?

Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40okwn/whats_pretty_and_expensive_but_has_no_use/
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"Some say Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it"

"For I did not speak of my own Accord..." - John 12:49

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40oiw0/some_say_jesus_drove_a_honda_but_didnt_like_to/
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How does NASA organize their company parties?

They planet.
[Please take pity on me i am very unfunny :(]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ogsx/how_does_nasa_organize_their_company_parties/
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I'm gonna vote for Trump at elections...

Cuz I a'int ever seen a president assassinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40oc81/im_gonna_vote_for_trump_at_elections/
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Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?

It's a perfect 5/7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40o86h/why_is_empire_strikes_back_the_best_star_wars/
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Did you hear about the pecan orgy?

It was fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40o7yi/did_you_hear_about_the_pecan_orgy/
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What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

An envelope!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40o6jz/what_starts_with_e_ends_with_e_and_has_only_1/
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In honor of the Powerball

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40o5u3/in_honor_of_the_powerball/
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A black guy and a white girl hookup at a club...

And after a while of dancing and drinks both were getting eager to get under the sheets. They drive back to the girls place and just as the guy was taking out his package, the girl asked "is it true about what they say about black guys?" And he whispered in her ear "you bet it is", he then continued to stab her 5 times and steal her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40nseh/a_black_guy_and_a_white_girl_hookup_at_a_club/
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How do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian?

Only a Canadian could get a #1 on Billboard with a song called Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ns7e/how_do_you_know_justin_bieber_is_canadian/
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My math teacher asked "should we trust a radical?"

I said no, they ain't safe around planes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40npv4/my_math_teacher_asked_should_we_trust_a_radical/
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Why did the police arrest the energizer bunny?

He was wanted for several charges of battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40np2o/why_did_the_police_arrest_the_energizer_bunny/
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I had a wet dream last night about dogs...

Talk about coming in my boxers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40nkpg/i_had_a_wet_dream_last_night_about_dogs/
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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40nf4y/i_persuaded_my_girlfriend_to_smuggle_my_coke/
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Old High School Girlfriends Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine..
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ndmp/old_high_school_girlfriends_reunion/
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What do a flat-earther, a Nazi, and YOU have in common?

They all get one vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ncmw/what_do_a_flatearther_a_nazi_and_you_have_in/
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My friend Opie owns a pizza restaurant. Wanna know why it's so successful?

Because Opie delivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40nbcy/my_friend_opie_owns_a_pizza_restaurant_wanna_know/
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Pakistani math problem.

Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes.
He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the radius of the explosion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40n6w2/pakistani_math_problem/
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Damn girl are you a planet?

Because i can see Uranus through my binoculars at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40mw66/damn_girl_are_you_a_planet/
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I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[FRONT PAGE!](https://media2.giphy.com/media/FGmbEOTVWQHzW/200_s.gif)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40mw4n/i_had_to_take_the_batteries_out_of_the_carbon/
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What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US Leader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40mt64/what_is_the_volume_of_monica_lewinskys_mouth/
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I didn't see you at the camouflage competition private.

"THANK YOU, SIR"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40mryg/i_didnt_see_you_at_the_camouflage_competition/
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What did the dwarf pimp say to the two prostitutes at the beginning of the night?

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40mp4e/what_did_the_dwarf_pimp_say_to_the_two/
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What do you do when someone has an epileptic fit in the bathtub

Throw in your dirty laundry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40mnsk/what_do_you_do_when_someone_has_an_epileptic_fit/
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A man goes to the library and asks for a book on suicide

the librarian says, sorry it looks like the last person never brought it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ml4w/a_man_goes_to_the_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
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My new thesaurus is terrible.

Not only that but it's also terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40mk32/my_new_thesaurus_is_terrible/
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A keyboard walks into a bar

He orders a round of drinks fir everyone. The bartender asks him how he will be paying for the drinks. The keyboard says "just put it on my tab."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40mjg5/a_keyboard_walks_into_a_bar/
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An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub

, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George’s Day,“ commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George” “That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot. “My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.”
“That’s incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40miwu/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_were_in/
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I need advice. I was whipping someone in a gimp mask during a BDSM session, but when he took it off - it wasn't my husband.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40mhif/i_need_advice_i_was_whipping_someone_in_a_gimp/
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For a few years, Harry Houdini only used trap doors in his illusions...

But it was just a stage he was going through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40mev1/for_a_few_years_harry_houdini_only_used_trap/
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A divorced man is walking to town...

And discovers an old lamp in oddly impeccable shape glistening through the bushes. He decides it's worth a closer look, walks over and picks it up.
All of a sudden a genie pops out and tells the man in his booming voice "You have three wishes, but be careful; for whatever you wish, your ex gets double."
The man, taken aback, scratches his head for a moment and tells the genie "Alright, I wish for a 100-million dollar mansion."
"It is yours as you desire. Your ex will be happy to learn she now owns a 200-million dollar mansion. What is your next wish?"
"Well, I'm going to have to pay the bills on that huge house, so I suppose I'll wish for a billion dollars. That ought to cover it for a while, at least."
The genie reaches into his lantern and pulls out a bank statement on which the man's name is printed, then hands it to him. "You'll find your finances are in order, to the tune of one billion dollars. Don't forget, your ex has twice as much. And for your last wish?"
The man rubs his chin for a minute to ponder. "I wish to be beaten half to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40me4o/a_divorced_man_is_walking_to_town/
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A man goes to the library...

and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40md8k/a_man_goes_to_the_library/
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A man is driving down the road...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?
the monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later,
The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles When you find these numbers,
you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task.
Some 45 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says,
I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says,
The sound is right behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire,
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver,
topaz,
and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know end.
He unlocks the door,
turns the knob,
and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound
. . . .
. . . .
. . . .
. . . .
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40mc9v/a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
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Two men were talking about their exes...

The first guy was telling his friend about how he broke up with his ex after she pretended to be pregnant just to get attention.
The second guy replied "That's nothing, this one time my ex told everyone she had cancer just to get attention."
1st Guy- "No way man, how did you break up with her?"
2nd Guy- "I didn't have to, she died of cancer..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40m82z/two_men_were_talking_about_their_exes/
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Amputees will not find this joke funny:

Actually, I'm going to cut this joke short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40m321/amputees_will_not_find_this_joke_funny/
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40m2s6/can_a_kangaroo_jump_higher_than_a_house/
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Why does George R.R Martin never use Twitter?

Because he killed all 140 characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40m1u9/why_does_george_rr_martin_never_use_twitter/
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Who is the director of the first wireless movie?

Christopher No-LAN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40m18v/who_is_the_director_of_the_first_wireless_movie/
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How is my sex life like a Ferrari?

Imported and extremely expensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40m14c/how_is_my_sex_life_like_a_ferrari/
%
Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. Then a man comes up and exposes himself to them.

Two of them have a stroke. But the third one couldn't reach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40lv8m/three_nuns_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench_then_a_man/
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Liars tend not make eye contact,

which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40lpyk/liars_tend_not_make_eye_contact/
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Who is better

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40loz8/who_is_better/
%
What do you call a flying Jedi?

A skywalker. (I'm really sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40lmw8/what_do_you_call_a_flying_jedi/
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Silly Grandad

Johns Grandad comes over to look after him for the day. John goes outside and plays with the neighbors kid, a bit later he comes in and asks "Grandad, whats it called when two people sleep in one room one on top of the other?" Grandad replies "I've got to be honest with you, you are 8 now, its called intercourse and thats how you make babys." ten minutes later John returns "Freds mum said its called bunkbeds, and she needs a word with you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40lmc9/silly_grandad/
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When I signed up for college they said I had to take a 'Fat Awareness' class

I said that do we need 'Fat Awareness' for?  They're so easy to spot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40lg38/when_i_signed_up_for_college_they_said_i_had_to/
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helping the disabled

A guy goes jogging along a cliff face that over looks the ocean, and sees a woman with no arms or legs sitting on a bench crying. He stops to make sure she's alright. "What's wrong." he asks. She looks up at him sobbing and says,"my entire life no one has ever hugged me."  So the guy gives her a hug,She smiles, and the guy continues his jog. The next day he goes jogging along the cliff again, and comes across the same woman with no arms or legs crying. "what's wrong now?" he asks. "my whole life no one has ever kissed me." she replies. The guy gives her a kiss, she smiles, and he continues his jog. The next day he's jogging along the cliff, and again the woman's propped up on the bench crying. " Ok, what's wrong now?" he asks. "my whole life I've never been fucked." The guy picks her up, and throws her over the cliff into the ocean. "Now your fucked." he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40lb0s/helping_the_disabled/
%
The year is 2540, a student in history class notices something off about his textbook...

"How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?"
The teacher puts his air marker down on the table, lowers his head, and sighs. "because..." he lifts his head, a singled tear rolls down his cheek, "... only 90's kids remember the 90's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40l5xn/the_year_is_2540_a_student_in_history_class/
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The "Free Palestine" motto never made sense to me...

No wonder you keep losing land. What Jew could pass on a deal like that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40kb2t/the_free_palestine_motto_never_made_sense_to_me/
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Me: Siri, why am I alone?

Siri: *opens front facing camera*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40k5pj/me_siri_why_am_i_alone/
%
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40k2l1/a_husband_went_to_the_sheriffs_department_to/
%
Why was the priest afraid of trigonometry?

cos sin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40k1zc/why_was_the_priest_afraid_of_trigonometry/
%
What was Hitler's favourite aquatic animal?

Adolfin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40jz49/what_was_hitlers_favourite_aquatic_animal/
%
The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing.

Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40jx2i/the_titanic_was_recently_visited_by_a_diving_crew/
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Where do Mathematicians sail?

Indices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40jpae/where_do_mathematicians_sail/
%
How do we know a blind man created mermaids?

He smelled the bottom half of a woman..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40jo9b/how_do_we_know_a_blind_man_created_mermaids/
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A robot walks into a bar, orders a drink, and lays down some cash.

Bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve robots."
And the robot says, "Oh, but someday you will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40jmzv/a_robot_walks_into_a_bar_orders_a_drink_and_lays/
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My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40jmls/my_wife_and_i_decided_not_to_have_kids/
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A Curious Child

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40jk8o/a_curious_child/
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What do you call the Skunk who wears khaki's and goes to private school?

Preppy le Pew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40jk61/what_do_you_call_the_skunk_who_wears_khakis_and/
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German engineering isn't that good...

...showers in the camps didn't even work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40jhwh/german_engineering_isnt_that_good/
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After Luke Skywalker found out Princess Leia was his sister...

He became best friends with hand solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40jgkl/after_luke_skywalker_found_out_princess_leia_was/
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A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40j9qj/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table/
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What's the difference between a dyslexic farmer and a constipated prostitute?

The farmer shucks between fits.
- My grandfather told me this joke when I was 12. He was awesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40j9pl/whats_the_difference_between_a_dyslexic_farmer/
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Some people are like Slinkies...

They're not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40j400/some_people_are_like_slinkies/
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If I had a dollar every time Trump said something stupid...

I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40iu7u/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_trump_said_something/
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Why is PMS called PMS?

"Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40idv1/why_is_pms_called_pms/
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Nuts

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40i8oe/nuts/
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An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids..

An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason. The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?" The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?" "No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40i60g/an_ugly_fat_bad_woman_with_two_kids/
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Drunk Wrestler

A professional wrestler was visiting his friend in a small town,and one night they stayed little too long at the pub.Not wanting to drive,they decided t walk home.As they were crossing a farmer's field,a bull charged them.The wrestler grabbed the bull by the horns,and they went down in a snarling heap.Finally the bull jumped up and ran away.
"Wow,"Said the friend,"that was quite tussle."
"Yeah,"the wrestler replied,"and if i hadn't had that last drink,i would have gotten that guy off his bicycle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40i3ts/drunk_wrestler/
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The best jokes about women

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.  As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.  The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.  “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th.  I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop.  I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40i22a/the_best_jokes_about_women/
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Vikings kicker Blair Walsh apparently attempted suicide last night.

He ended up being just fine, he was unable to kick the chair out from under him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40hyyj/vikings_kicker_blair_walsh_apparently_attempted/
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Student: I'll never be good at geography.

Geography teacher: Not with that latitude!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40hyff/student_ill_never_be_good_at_geography/
%
What Does a Farmer and Dubstep have in common?

They both drop beats!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40hs7a/what_does_a_farmer_and_dubstep_have_in_common/
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Man cheats clearly

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40hqxu/man_cheats_clearly/
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Timmy comes home early...

...and walks inside to see his mom on top of his dad and both are naked. Timmy just stares, confused what is happening or going on.
Mom: "Timmy, what's wrong? Go to your room, I'll be up in a bit"
So Timmy goes upstairs to his room. Later his mom comes up and sits down next to him.
M: "Timmy, what did you see?"
T: "I saw you and dad naked and you were on top of him jumping up and down."
So, Timmy's Mom brainstorms what to tell him, since she doesn't want to admit and explain sex. Then, an idea came to mind.
M: "Is that all you saw, you did not know what we were doing?"
T: "That is all I saw and I have no idea."
M: "Well, Timmy, when you get older like your father and I you need to exercise. When your fathers belly gets too big and full of air, we get naked and I go on top of your father. Then I push my hands on his gut, jumping up and down to take all the air out to make him skinny again."
T: "Mom, you know that is pointless, right?"
M: "What do you mean?"
T: "When I am at the bus stop in the morning, waiting for the bus to come and after you leave for work, the next door neighbor Susan comes over and blows him back up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40hq9h/timmy_comes_home_early/
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A man and his frog

A man is sitting in a bar with his pet frog. The man catches a fly that lands on the bar top underneath a glass. "Alright watch this" he says to the other patrons. In a quick motion he removes the glass and as soon as the fly tries to get away the frog snatches it out of the air.
A woman who sees the stunt says "wow that was amazing. What else can he do?"
The man looks kind of bashful but says "he's actually really good at eating pussy."
Surprised but intrigued the woman says "well why don't get out of here and you can show me that trick."
Back at her place the frog is prepped for action. After a few tries, nothing. "What the hell" she says. The man looks at the frog, disappointed "alright I'll show you one more time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40hq4c/a_man_and_his_frog/
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I think my doctor is trying to come on to me...

He said I had a cute angina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40hotz/i_think_my_doctor_is_trying_to_come_on_to_me/
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"OK, now what!?"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40hoce/ok_now_what/
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A joke my grandpa told me

A man goes to the doctor for a rectal exam. The doctor says "Sir, you really need to stop masturbating."
The man, worried, asks "What? Why??"
The doctor replies "Because I'm trying to do my exam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40hgoz/a_joke_my_grandpa_told_me/
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What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their biggest hit was The Wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40hfyf/what_do_dale_earnhardt_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
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I told Leonardo DiCaprio a joke about an Oscar

He didn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40hfoy/i_told_leonardo_dicaprio_a_joke_about_an_oscar/
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When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40heu4/when_i_see_a_girl_i_first_look_at_her_hair_then/
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A man is on trial for beating his wife with his guitar collection

The judge asks, "first offender"? The man replies, "No, first a Gibson; then a Fender."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40h9sk/a_man_is_on_trial_for_beating_his_wife_with_his/
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Does he still love me?

Man and Woman are lying in bed and thinking:
Woman:
He is lying next to me. He doesn't hug me.
He is looking at the ceiling. Who knows what he is thinking about?
We are together for four years. That is too long for replacing me for some younger and more beautiful woman.
Well I gained some weight over last year...
He scowls.
Does he still love me? I am loosing him. I am sure he doesn't want me anymore...
Man:
There is a fly on the ceiling. How the fuck is it hanging there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40h7mz/does_he_still_love_me/
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I tried tricking an Inuit guy last night...

...but he was having Nunavut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40h7ac/i_tried_tricking_an_inuit_guy_last_night/
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Why did I divide sin by tan?

Just cos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40h5fs/why_did_i_divide_sin_by_tan/
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I bought a fitbit...

I haven't went running yet, but I jerked off for six miles today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40h2ir/i_bought_a_fitbit/
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[NSFW] What do snakes and condoms have in common?

I don't fuck with either of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40h2ax/nsfw_what_do_snakes_and_condoms_have_in_common/
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What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and Acne?

Acne waits until you're a teenager to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40h0y5/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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Two Violinists

Two old violinists were talking to each other, and one said to the other, "If I die before you, I will find a way to tell you if there is an orchestra in Heaven". The other violinist says he would do the same. Sure enough, the first violinist dies. A few days pass, and the first violinist appears before the second. "I have returned just as I said, but I have good news and bad news". "Give me the good news." says the second violinist. "The good news is there is a magnificent orchestra in Heaven, filled with the best players to ever live. In fact, there is a concert tomorrow." The second violinist is delighted by the news, and asks "what could possibly be the bad news?" the first violinist replies, "You're playing the solo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40gy6f/two_violinists/
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Im not sexist...

Because thats wrong and being wrong is for women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40gn54/im_not_sexist/
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The Sheikh trying to be smart.

Naseeruddin Shah was one of the few courtiers that the Sheikh had for actual advice rather than to please his father's acquaintances.
As such, he tested Naseeruddin a lot when it came to matters of patience and understanding, hoping to know where he put the line between displeasing the Hierarch and making a frivolous joke.
One Ramadan evening, when the Palace was breaking the fast, the monarch and the courtiers were served dates (the fruit, not the bed-mates) as appetizers.
The Sheikh being the scumbag as on occasion, ate the fruit and placed the seeds on Naseeruddin's plate. This kept going on for a while, till the king stopped eating. Naseeruddin, knowing that the Sheikh and his antics, did not take this to heart. The pile of seeds began growing in Naseeruddin's plate
A bit sharp that Nasseruddin did not react to his brazen attitude, the Sheikh stoked the fire by saying:
"My Dear Naseeruddin, do you know what people will think after seeing you plate? They will think that you have eaten the most dates this evening."
Naseeruddin, a bit disgusted by his Sheikh said:
"My Highness, do you know what people will think when they see your plate? They will think that you have eaten the dates along with their seeds."
Edit Source: Translated from Tamil Standard Textbook, Class 6, 2006 edition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40gjnv/the_sheikh_trying_to_be_smart/
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A teacher and the funny Johnny

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40gi10/a_teacher_and_the_funny_johnny/
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What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ghl4/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
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Adding Insult to Introduction

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”
The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ggl4/adding_insult_to_introduction/
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In the hands of an expert..

A tourist takes a taxi in a foreign town. The taxi driver speeds through a red light. The tourist, frightened, asks
"What are you doing?"
The driver answers:
"Dont worry, I am an expert."
He speeds through more red lights, and the tourist, on the verge of hysteria, complains again, more urgently. The driver replies
"Relax, relax, you are in the hands of an expert."
Suddenly, the light turns green, the driver slams on the brakes, and the taxi skids to a halt. The tourist picks himself off the floor of the taxi and asks
"For crying out loud, why stop now that the light is finally green?"
The driver answers
"Too dangerous, could be another expert crossing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40gcqg/in_the_hands_of_an_expert/
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What does 90 year old vagina taste like?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40g5z1/what_does_90_year_old_vagina_taste_like/
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I don't always give women orgasms, but when I do...

I let them swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40g4ui/i_dont_always_give_women_orgasms_but_when_i_do/
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Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

Because he's out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40g1ce/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, he fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40fw66/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
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When I was a kid, my grandfather told me his teeth are like the stars...

...they come out at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40fsds/when_i_was_a_kid_my_grandfather_told_me_his_teeth/
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How do you get a Mexican across the border using only math?

Carry the Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40fs7q/how_do_you_get_a_mexican_across_the_border_using/
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[NSFW]- What is David Bowie's zodiac sign?

Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40fr0j/nsfw_what_is_david_bowies_zodiac_sign/
%
Why do thugs play basketball?

Because it teaches them to shoot, run and steal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40fq2h/why_do_thugs_play_basketball/
%
They say a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush

But a penis in the bush is better than two in the hand any day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40fno9/they_say_a_bird_in_the_hand_is_better_than_two_in/
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What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Roll them up into a tire and call it a Goodyear?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40fcym/what_do_you_do_with_365_used_condoms/
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Exorcist - The Sequel

Have you heard about the sequel to the Exorcist?
In the new version, a woman hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40fcn6/exorcist_the_sequel/
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Back in my day...

You could go into a corner store with a dollar and come out with two Cokes, three candy bars, and a magazine.
Now, fucking security cameras everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40fclp/back_in_my_day/
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An old man walks into a bank....

....and says to the teller,
"I wanna open a damn checking account."
Taken aback, the woman replies,
"I beg your pardon, sir;  I must have misheard you....what did you just say to me??"
"Clean the crap outta yer ears.  I said I want to open a damn checking account, right now!"
"Oh my goodness! We do *not* tolerate that kind of language in this bank, sir!"
Upon saying this, the teller leaves the window and marches over to the bank manager to tell him about the situation. They both return and the manager asks the old man,
"Pardon me, sir...what seems to be the problem here?"
"I ain't got no frickin' problem!"  the old man answers, "I just won 1.3 billion dollars playing frickin' Powerball. Now I wanna open a damn checking account in this here bank!"
"I see....." replies the manager. "And this fuckin' cunt is giving you a hard time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40f8sr/an_old_man_walks_into_a_bank/
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A dark sense of humor is like a hospital.

Lots of sickness and occasionally dead babies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40f396/a_dark_sense_of_humor_is_like_a_hospital/
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What does a runner lose after winning a race?

His breath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40f2w8/what_does_a_runner_lose_after_winning_a_race/
%
So I asked my North Korean friend how his life was going

He said "Can't complain".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40f1ep/so_i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_his_life/
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Donald Trump, Kim Jong Un, and El Chapo are on a punctured hot air balloon that's quickly going down.

In order to slow their descent, they decide to throw stuff out of the basket in which they're riding.
El Chapo throws several bricks of cocaine over the side and says, "Don't worry, I've got tons of this stuff back in my country."
Following suit, Kim Jong Un throws over several bottles of Johnnie Walker Excelsior. "I know this stuff is pretty rare, but don't worry, I've got a bunch of it back in my country, too!"
Without missing a beat, Trump throws El Chapo overboard and just shrugs his shoulders at Kim Jong Un and says, "same same".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40f0zl/donald_trump_kim_jong_un_and_el_chapo_are_on_a/
%
I just changed my iPhone's name to "Titanic"

and plugged it in.
It's syncing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ezyr/i_just_changed_my_iphones_name_to_titanic/
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A student goes to the principal

A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ezjl/a_student_goes_to_the_principal/
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how do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

one will see you later,
and the other in a while

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40exvh/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_an/
%
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40evfx/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
%
What do you get when einstein jacks off????

a stroke of genius!!!!!
(its terrible, i know)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40es92/what_do_you_get_when_einstein_jacks_off/
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If my life is like a highway, I sure hope it's like an interstate

Lots of opportunities to get off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40es0y/if_my_life_is_like_a_highway_i_sure_hope_its_like/
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You gotta hand it to short people...

they can't reach it most of the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40eqqq/you_gotta_hand_it_to_short_people/
%
My fish can breakdance.

But only for five seconds, and only once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40elj9/my_fish_can_breakdance/
%
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40eh7v/what_does_a_turtle_and_a_pedophile_have_in_common/
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Why did Lt. Lenk and Sgt. Colborn cross the road?

To put the bones on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40e4u9/why_did_lt_lenk_and_sgt_colborn_cross_the_road/
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NO BACKSEAT BLONDE

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40e4j9/no_backseat_blonde/
%
How's the new Chinese restaurant downtown?

Eh...
It's tso-tso.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40dyq5/hows_the_new_chinese_restaurant_downtown/
%
A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...

A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"
The mechanic responds almost immediately. "Oh, yeah. What you've got there is a problem with your alignment."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40dyoy/a_paladin_goes_into_a_mechanics_shop/
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My lesbian sister told me that most girls are like spaghetti noodles

Straight until you get them wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40di9r/my_lesbian_sister_told_me_that_most_girls_are/
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What's a Tennessee tornado and a Texas divorce have in common?

Someone's gonna lose a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40dhcy/whats_a_tennessee_tornado_and_a_texas_divorce/
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A man was waiting for his wife to give birth...

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs.
But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out!
The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out!
The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.
By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.
The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40dcmr/a_man_was_waiting_for_his_wife_to_give_birth/
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My previous relationship was like a presidential term.

It aged me prematurely and my replacement was elected two months before I was officially out of office!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40d4ts/my_previous_relationship_was_like_a_presidential/
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[no spoiler] Why is the BB unit droid not hungry?

Because BB-8

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40cx93/no_spoiler_why_is_the_bb_unit_droid_not_hungry/
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My superpower is to turn into noodles, but it doesn't work when I'm drunk.

I can only do it when I'm soba.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ctyq/my_superpower_is_to_turn_into_noodles_but_it/
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In the old west, three-legged dog walk into a bar...

Sits, down, orders a drink.
Bartender say, "Hey stranger, what brings you to these parts?"
Dog replies, "Lookin for the son of a bitch who shot my paw."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40crg9/in_the_old_west_threelegged_dog_walk_into_a_bar/
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Three friends decide to sell their three ducks...

The first man takes his duck, knocks on a stranger's door, and says "Hello ma'am, would you like to buy my duck?" The woman says, "Sure I will give you $5 for your duck." The man says "Great" and they make the exchange.
The second friend goes up to another house, knocks and asks the owner if he'd like to buy his duck. The home owner says "Sure how about $10?" "Great", the duck owner responds and they make the exchange.
The third friend knocks on a door and asks the lady who answers if she'd like to buy his duck. "I don't have any money on me right now, but my husband is away and if you come in I'll exchange sex for your duck." The man says "Great", walks in, and they have a passionate love making session. It was so great that as the man is walking out the door, the woman says "That was amazing can we go another round?" He replies that he'd rather get going. "You can have your duck back if you fuck me one more time" she entices. "Great", says the man and walks back in for round two.
Thirty minutes later he is walking back out the door with his duck in his arms when it flies out of his hands, lands in the street, and gets demolished by an 18-wheeler. The truck driver gets out and says, "I'm so sorry man can I pay you for killing your duck? Here's $15." The former duck owner says "Great" and goes to meet back up with his two friends.
"What'd y'all get for y'all's ducks?" the man asks.
"I got $5 for my duck," says the first.
"Ha I got $10 for my duck," gloats the second.
The third, with a smile on his face, says:
"Oh yeah? I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $15 for a fucked up duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40craz/three_friends_decide_to_sell_their_three_ducks/
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My 85 year old Grandfather just burned me so hard...

Me: "Hey Pup, know what I've been thinking?"
Pup: "Is that what I smell burning?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40cqv3/my_85_year_old_grandfather_just_burned_me_so_hard/
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Today I was woken up by a blowjob.

I hope I'll never fall asleep in the train with my mouth open again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40coof/today_i_was_woken_up_by_a_blowjob/
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The Re-incarnation of Ralph

Ralph came stumbling home; drunk again after another late night at the local pub.  He slid quietly into bed beside his sleeping wife,
and fell into a deep sleep.
He was awoken by a bright golden light, and he found himself standing before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You have died in your sleep Ralph.  You drank yourself to death... You're in Heaven now.  Welcome my son."
Ralph was stunned. "WAIT! I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for.  What about my wife?  My children? Please, send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry.  Your time on Earth, as a man, has passed.  I can send you back, out of Heaven, but only as a dog, or a chicken."
Devastated, Ralph thought for a while about his options. Then he remembered the chicken farm beside his home.  His eyes widened, as the thought of watching his kids from the nearby farm seemed like a good option for him.  He requested to be re-incarnated, as a chicken.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,
and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster.
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.  He began to cry as he was so thankful for this amazing opportunity to be able to give life.
As the feeling returned, he swelled with pride, and he began to lay a third egg.
He heard someone yelling his name... 'RALPH!'  'RALPH!!!'  Then he felt a hard SMACK on the back of his head.
"RALPH! WAKE UP YOU DRUNK BASTARD! YOU'RE SHITTING IN THE BED!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40cnw6/the_reincarnation_of_ralph/
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Why David shorted his surname to Hoff?

Because it was too much Hassel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40cihc/why_david_shorted_his_surname_to_hoff/
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Congratulations on /r/Jokes hitting 5,000,000.666 subscribers!

[Time to celebrate!] (http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/1213536/elaine-dance-o.gif)
[Here are our traffic stats if anyone's interested.] (https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/about/traffic/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40cibp/congratulations_on_rjokes_hitting_5000000666/
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"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime."

"Was it something I said?" Asks the son.
"Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ci29/son_i_dont_think_youre_cut_out_to_be_a_mime/
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A self-absorbed man wants to get his bust sculpted.

He believes that one day he'll be very important, so he asks a sculptor to carve his bust out of marble to put into a museum in the future.
The sculptor says, "Sir, I think you're getting a head of yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40chax/a_selfabsorbed_man_wants_to_get_his_bust_sculpted/
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You're The Father of One of My Kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40cfnn/youre_the_father_of_one_of_my_kids/
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I've been sneaking clay, sand and mortar into my housemate's food...

When they find out they'll shit bricks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40cf29/ive_been_sneaking_clay_sand_and_mortar_into_my/
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Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

Because he was far out dude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ccmk/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
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Gang of three hijack truckload of Viagra.

Police are looking for three hardened criminals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40cara/gang_of_three_hijack_truckload_of_viagra/
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A horse walks into a bar

. The bar-man asks "Why the long face?". The horse not knowing English, shits itself and walks out the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40c9ds/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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What does a man with two left feet wear to the beach?

Flip-Flips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40c69p/what_does_a_man_with_two_left_feet_wear_to_the/
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What phrase is a compliment in America, but an argument in the Middle East?

No, YOU the bomb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40c5n7/what_phrase_is_a_compliment_in_america_but_an/
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TIFU in a hot air balloon

... It was amazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40c5ac/tifu_in_a_hot_air_balloon/
%
A woman goes to a sleazy doctor complaining that she doesn’t feel very well...

Before she can say any more, he tells her to go into the other room, strip off and lay down on the bed. When he comes in, he’s so taken with her beauty that he immediately starts to fondle her whole body.
“Don’t worry, this is quite normal,” he says. “I expect you know what I’m doing?”
“I suppose you’re checking for anything unusual,” she replies.
“That’s right,” he responds, and then quick as lightning he strips off, lays on top of her and starts making love.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks.
“Oh yes,” she replies calmly. “You’re getting herpes. That’s what I was trying to tell you earlier.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40c4wq/a_woman_goes_to_a_sleazy_doctor_complaining_that/
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My 11 year old grandson spent a beautiful Saturday playing video games

. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”
His reply: “I can only dream.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40c2ij/my_11_year_old_grandson_spent_a_beautiful/
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What's the difference between Michael phelps and hitler...

Michael phelps can finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40c1nv/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
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Today's youth are getting worse..

Today's youth are getting worse. I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40byb8/todays_youth_are_getting_worse/
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My girlfriend called me a pedophile...

Such a big word for a six year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40bwpd/my_girlfriend_called_me_a_pedophile/
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I put my Grandma on speed dial...

I call that instagram!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40bv2x/i_put_my_grandma_on_speed_dial/
%
What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish farmer?

Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud'
The Scottish farmer says 'Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40bu5d/whats_the_difference_between_mick_jagger_and_a/
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Why is the British weather like Islam?

Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40bljb/why_is_the_british_weather_like_islam/
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What do you call two healthcare professionals hanging out?

A paramedics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40bk3o/what_do_you_call_two_healthcare_professionals/
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Apple Store robbed

The Apple Store in Regents Street, London, was robbed this morning. Police are appealing for an iWitness!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40bjt8/apple_store_robbed/
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Wanna hear a joke about a German sausage?

Nevermind, it's my wurst joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40bhuv/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_a_german_sausage/
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The magic vagina

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was COMMANDO (going without underwear).
She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.
The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.
"I can also make it wink," she replied. The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.
"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, he asked, "You're shittin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40baqw/the_magic_vagina/
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Grandma's Password

My 100 year old grandma asked me to set up a security camera, so she could see who was stealing her clothes at her assisted living facility, so I brought over a wireless camera and started to install an app on her IPAD for monitoring.
I needed her Apple ID to download the app, so I asked her what her password was.
She poked around in her notebook, and said "required".
It was the wrong password, so I told her, and she looked up at me and said, 'I know that it is right.  I remember it said, "Your password is required."'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40b9ox/grandmas_password/
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What's the difference between a girl that's praying and a girl that's having a bubble bath?

One has hope in her soul,
The other has soap in her hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40atzz/whats_the_difference_between_a_girl_thats_praying/
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So, my friend to me: "I date as many girls in a day as you have done in your life."

Me: "So, zero."
I rekt that bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40aogy/so_my_friend_to_me_i_date_as_many_girls_in_a_day/
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A Hot Romance

While watching a romantic movie, my wife leans over and whispers in my ear "I want you to make me sweaty and wet."  So I shut off the fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40aldo/a_hot_romance/
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Dad says, "College students are more interested in women today than ever before.."

A lot of them are in a program where they study a broad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40aknl/dad_says_college_students_are_more_interested_in/
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What is a hipster's favorite element?

Fe, because it's so ironic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40aja1/what_is_a_hipsters_favorite_element/
%
So a man walks into a pub he's never been before...

As he walks up to the bartender he sees a big jar full of 50 dollar buck bills. Wondering what the story behind it might be he asks the bartender:" Mate, what's that jar for and why does it have so much money in it."
"Well", the bartender replies with a smile "it's a challenge bet, which is indeed quite hard, but if you throw another 50 bucks in there and fulfill the three tasks, you get all the money in there."
Thinking that it's worth a shot, considering that amount of money that has to be in there the man pulls out 50 dollars and hands them to the barkeeper.
"Alright your three tasks are drinking a whole bottle of tequila completely straightfaced, number two is going outside and draw that loose tooth from my pitbull. And your third task is to go upstairs to my 90 year old grandmother in law and have sex with her, she has been quite lonely for some time."
The man sees, why there are so many bills in that jar, as the tasks are really hard. But nevertheless he starts to drink that bottle of tequila and eventually, with everybody encouraging him, makes it without flinching. Quite dizzy he walks outside and the whooe pub hears the loud barking, the man screaming and the fighting noises from the dog and the man.
Walking back into the pub, having bitemarks and scratches on his arms and legs he asks:" Done. Now where is that old woman with the loose tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40aixh/so_a_man_walks_into_a_pub_hes_never_been_before/
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A woman hits the jackpot...

A guys wife comes home and says, "Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery!"
The guy says, "Great darling. Should I pack for the ocean or the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care, just get out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40ahfk/a_woman_hits_the_jackpot/
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A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona...

...and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40admc/a_vacationing_penguin_is_driving_through_arizona/
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A man lost his arms, legs and torso gambling.

Fortunately he quit while he was a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40a8cx/a_man_lost_his_arms_legs_and_torso_gambling/
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My neighbours listen to good music

Whether they want to or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40a4pe/my_neighbours_listen_to_good_music/
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If I won $900,000,000, I'd give a quarter of it to charity...

...not sure what I'd do with the other $899,999,999.75 though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/409zc7/if_i_won_900000000_id_give_a_quarter_of_it_to/
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Losing game pieces sucks...

Especially when it's hide and seek...
I'll never forget you, Brian..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/409x6t/losing_game_pieces_sucks/
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Odd

A mother and father named their child "Odd". And because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.
And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his suicide note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.
And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/409x1m/odd/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not 6. My basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/409uyx/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/409om1/what_do_lawyers_wear_to_court/
%
I was at a barbecue party when a cow from a nearby farm charged me and chased me into a corner

It was at that moment I realized my life was at steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/409iuj/i_was_at_a_barbecue_party_when_a_cow_from_a/
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A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole...

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too, is wearing no undies.
"You woman of mine! You've no knickers on. Why not?", asked Patrick.
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.
"Fur Jake's sake, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?", Duncan inquired.
She too explains, "You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae afford any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fur the love 'o decency, here's a comb... Tidy yerself up a bit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/409idy/a_swede_an_irishman_a_scotsman_and_their_wives/
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My son looks just like me.

With his eyes.
xpost to /r/dadjokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/409f5m/my_son_looks_just_like_me/
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Preventing childhood obesity...

It's as easy as taking candy from a baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/409cep/preventing_childhood_obesity/
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A guy goes into a restaurant with his pet snake...

...and they sit down and the man orders.
"25 Hamburgers.  Two for me, and the rest for my pet snake."
A little while later, the waitress brings the man his two hamburgers, and for the snake, a large plate with 23 cooked beef patties, nothing more.
The snake takes one look at the patties and turns away in disgust.  The man asks the waitress, "You have to put them on hamburger buns like a regular hamburger for him."
The waitress protests, "But sir, we're short on hamburger buns as it is, and can snakes even eat bread?"
The man replies, "Look, my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4096yj/a_guy_goes_into_a_restaurant_with_his_pet_snake/
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Answered Prayer

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4091yv/answered_prayer/
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The supplement store said they were out of protein powder...

'No Whey!' I said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/408y5x/the_supplement_store_said_they_were_out_of/
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Obama went on a run

and fell in a river.
-
three young boys pulled him out of the river. Obama said my god, you saved the president of your country. name any one thing you want and you'll have it.
-
The first boy said he wanted a house for his mother, they'd never had a house. Obama bought it.
-
The second boy wanted to go to Disney world. Obama made it so.
-
The third boy asked for a wheelchair. Perplexed, Obama said "Why do you need a wheel chair, you seem to walk fine".
-
The young boy replied "well now, sure. but wait until my dad finds out i saved your life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/408w03/obama_went_on_a_run/
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On the holidays I got quite drunk and being responsible decided to take a taxi home

It's still in my backyard what do you guys think I should do with it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/408rvc/on_the_holidays_i_got_quite_drunk_and_being/
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Old Man and the Frog

An old man is walking down the road when he hears something call out to him. He looks over his shoulder to find a frog at the side of the road waving him over. He walks over and the frog says "Sir! If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful woman and to repay you I'll spend the rest of your life with you!" The old man says "Yeah, alright" then puts the frog in his pocket and keeps walking. The frog sticks its head out of the pocket and yells "I don't think you understood me! If you kiss me I'll become a beautiful woman!" The old man responds, "Look.. I'm 81 years old. At this point in my life I'd rather have a talking frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/408lc3/old_man_and_the_frog/
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My favorite underwear is camouflage...

Because no one can see me cumming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/408hor/my_favorite_underwear_is_camouflage/
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My dad found an Altoid tin in his attic and told me it was worth over $400.

He said it was worth so much because it was in mint condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/408gye/my_dad_found_an_altoid_tin_in_his_attic_and_told/
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Wanna Play Barbies?

Man: "Hi there, would you like to play barbies?"
Lady: "I guess so?"
Man: "Awesome, I'll be Ken and you can be the box I come in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/408frk/wanna_play_barbies/
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Know the best part about dead baby jokes?

They never get old…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/408d3l/know_the_best_part_about_dead_baby_jokes/
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A man walks into a bar...

"Hey bartender! I bet you 50 bucks I can spit on my own eye!"
It being a slow night, the bartender accepts the bet. The man then immediately pulls out his glass eye and hocks a loogie on it.
"Bullshit!" Yells the bartender. "I'm not paying you jack for that!"
Without skipping a beat the man offers another bet. "Double or nothing if I can touch your ceiling without jumping."
The bartender sizes him up, and figures there's no way he could achieve that. "Fine. Go ahead."
The man then unscrews his prosthetic hand and pitches it towards the ceiling.
"Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!" Screams the bartender. "Get the hell outta my bar!"
The man calmly screws his hand back on and offers one final wager. "Okay, there's no way for me to cheat you on this one. I bet you 200 bucks that I can piss in your smallest shot glass without spilling a drop on your bar."
The bartender thinks it over. "Alright. You better not have a mechanical dick or nothing." The bartender slams down the narrowest shot glass he has.
A crowd of onlookers begins to form as the man jumps up on the bar and unzips his pants. Then, he begins pissing uncontrollably all over the bar and the patrons. Not a single drop makes it into the shot glass.
The bartender is laughing uncontrollably as the man forks over the 200 bucks. The man sits down calmly like nothing happened, ignoring the looks of disgust and anger from the rest of the customers. The man orders a drink with a big grin on his face.
"You seem pretty happy for a guy that just lost 200 bucks!"
The man looks at the bartender and points to the back of the bar. "You see that guy in the booth sobbing? I bet him 5000 bucks that I could pee all over your customers and make you laugh about it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40877k/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Timbuktu

From my 80 year old Granddad:
Two finalists in a contest, One a college grad and one a high school drop out, were to write a poem in 3 minutes. The only requirement was that it ended in "Timbuktu". The college grad wrote his and told it to the judges;
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.
The judges were very surprised and pleased with the poem, thinking that the drop out had no chance of beating that one.
The dropout then told his poem
Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three girls in a tent.
Sunrise came, mornin' dew,
I bucked one and Timbuktu.
He won the contest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/407y5d/timbuktu/
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A woman gets pulled over by a highway patrolman for speeding.

When the patrolman gets to her car she tells the man, "you look familiar, did I see you at the highway patrolmans ball last year?"
The patrolman replied, "Highway patrolman don't have balls."
Incidentally, the woman was able to drive away without being ticketed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/407s82/a_woman_gets_pulled_over_by_a_highway_patrolman/
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"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great saying...

But apparently a bad way to tell your kid they're adopted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/407s7g/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure_is_a/
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Anyone looking for a job should consider becoming an elephant circumsiser...

... the pay isn't too great, but the tips are enormous!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/407o7b/anyone_looking_for_a_job_should_consider_becoming/
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A man walks into a Bar...

and ask the bartender for a whiskey on the rocks..
Then another one.
And another.
Finally the bartender says "Sir, It's the third one and it's only 4 p.m. you're celebrating something ?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob"
"Oh.. That's important in a man's life ! Let me offer you the 4th one"
"I'm good thanks,  the taste is gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/407ioy/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits

She's got a point, I suppose... I work in a hammer factory.
[Courtesy of Sickipedia](http://www.sickipedia.org/crime/animal-cruelty/the-wifes-insisting-i-quit-my-job-because-she-thinks-1671352#ixzz3wm6CrZd5)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/407iei/my_wifes_insisting_i_quit_my_job_because_she/
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What did the cow say to the paintbrush?

Moo.
As told by my kid this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/407h3h/what_did_the_cow_say_to_the_paintbrush/
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HAGS disease

"I am afraid you have HAGS disease," the doctor explained, "That is Herpes, Aids, Gonorrhea, and Syphilis, so we are immediately putting you on a pizza and pancake diet."
"Those foods will cure me?" he is asked.
"No," says the doctor, "But those foods we can slide under the door to the room we are locking you up in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/407asa/hags_disease/
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A teacher was teaching....

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/407ak0/a_teacher_was_teaching/
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Why did the man stand on the ramp?

Because he was inclined to do so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/407adz/why_did_the_man_stand_on_the_ramp/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4073kx/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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Today's youth are getting worse.

I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/406vnm/todays_youth_are_getting_worse/
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What's black and sits on top of a staircase?

Stephen Hawking in a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/406sr7/whats_black_and_sits_on_top_of_a_staircase/
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Why did the circle stop arguing with the two intersecting lines?

Because they had a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/406sjh/why_did_the_circle_stop_arguing_with_the_two/
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What's pink and hard when it goes in, and soft and wet when it comes out?

Bubble gum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/406r08/whats_pink_and_hard_when_it_goes_in_and_soft_and/
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Daughter's vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
&nbsp;
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
&nbsp;
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
&nbsp;
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
&nbsp;
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
&nbsp;
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
&nbsp;
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
&nbsp;
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
&nbsp;
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/406q64/daughters_vibrator/
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You Never Know What We'll Get

It was the height of the depression and man was feeling pretty lonely. As he was out of work and only had a dollar to his name he made his way to the local house of ill-repute in the hopes of curbing his loneliness. He walks in, approaches the Madam and says, 'say, all I've got is a dollar. Is there anything I can get for it?"
The Madam, taking pity on him, responds: 'yeah, tell you what. Go up the stairs there and go in the door on the right. Take your clothes off and sit on the bed. You'll know what the do what the time comes.'
The man goes upstairs, goes in, takes off his clothes, sits on the bed as instructed, and waits. After a few minutes a small door in the wall opens up and a chicken comes sauntering in. Realizing that beggars can't be choosers, he manages to get a hold of the chicken and has his way with it. After he's done he sets the chicken down and it immediately makes it way for the small door. Just as it goes in it looks at him with extreme disgust. The man feels a lot of shame and quickly dresses and leaves.
The next day, he's feeling cheated and makes his way to the brothel to complain. He goes up to the Madam and says, 'hey, I know you did me a favor yesterday, but I didn't come here to be made to feel like a loser. I don't deserve the shame foisted upon me.' The Madam responds, 'OK, I hear ya. Lemme make it up to you. Go up the stairs again and this time take the door on the left.'
He does, and upon opening the door he sees several rows of theater-type seats facing a full-wall sized screen. Figuring there was going to be some porn, he finds an empty seat two over from a guy and sits down. After a few minutes he turns to the guy and says, 'so what kinda movie they gonna be showing?'
'You never really know', the guy says. 'For example, yesterday they had some movie with a guy............fucking a chicken!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/406q36/you_never_know_what_well_get/
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What is James Bonds code name when he is abroad?

+4407

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/406ltw/what_is_james_bonds_code_name_when_he_is_abroad/
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My computer just said 'hello' to me.

I think it might be a Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/406hek/my_computer_just_said_hello_to_me/
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My doctor told me that I have syphillis, gonnorhea and chlamydia. On the positive side...

HIV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/406gcp/my_doctor_told_me_that_i_have_syphillis_gonnorhea/
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Make me feel like a woman one last time

The pilot of an aeroplane announces they're about to crash and there is no sign of hope. Upon hearing this a beautiful young woman stands up from her seat and yells "Is there anybody man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time?" To which a man stands up, rips off his shirt and yells "Here, iron this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/406dnm/make_me_feel_like_a_woman_one_last_time/
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I have two requirements in my will....

1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World
2) I do not want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4068c8/i_have_two_requirements_in_my_will/
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How do you get in with a pretty nurse?

You need to be patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4066c6/how_do_you_get_in_with_a_pretty_nurse/
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A sadist and a masochist meet

The masochist starts pleading, "Hit me! Please hit me!"
The sadist looks at him, smiles, and calmly replies, "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4065jb/a_sadist_and_a_masochist_meet/
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My friend accidentally shot off his toes.

He told me to take him to the hospital,But I can't I'm Lack-toes-intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4065bz/my_friend_accidentally_shot_off_his_toes/
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Brown Paper Pete

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4060sj/brown_paper_pete/
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My friend was a pro at Russian Roulette

He only lost once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/405xk6/my_friend_was_a_pro_at_russian_roulette/
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"I'm sorry" and "My bad" mean the same thing...

Unless you're at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/405s9i/im_sorry_and_my_bad_mean_the_same_thing/
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A man walked into a pub,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/405qvg/a_man_walked_into_a_pub/
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My daughter told me to treat her like a princess...

so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/405cw7/my_daughter_told_me_to_treat_her_like_a_princess/
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Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street

and pass a playground, some little boy catches the Priest eye, and he tells his friend, "Man I'd like to fuck him." Rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40532v/priest_and_a_rabbi_are_walking_down_the_street/
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So a panda walks into a bar

A panda walks into a bar one day and orders a sandwich. The server brings it over to him, and he eats it quietly. The panda then pulls out a gun, and shoots the server. The bartender stands up in shock and ask him just what the hell he thinks he's doing. The panda simply replies, "I'm a panda, dumbass, look it up". Then the panda gets up and exits the bar. So the bartender goes home, fires up his computer, and Googles 'panda'. He looks on Wikipedia and the description reads: Large black and white bear. Eats shoots and leaves. EDIT: ****shoots instead of chutes. I'm not that good at connotations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/404xpx/so_a_panda_walks_into_a_bar/
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whats worse then ants in your pants?

Uncles in your pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/404tu5/whats_worse_then_ants_in_your_pants/
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So I'm at a bar, and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me.

I ask, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Scotland??"
One yells back, "It's WALES you idiot!"
I reply, "Oh, of course.  My bad!  Are you two whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/404ogi/so_im_at_a_bar_and_two_very_large_women_with/
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Jesus may have walked on water but Steven Hawking runs..

..on batteries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/404odi/jesus_may_have_walked_on_water_but_steven_hawking/
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What does an r/frog say?

reddit, reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/404cuv/what_does_an_rfrog_say/
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I got fired from a suicide hotline

Apparently they look down upon reverse psychology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/404cur/i_got_fired_from_a_suicide_hotline/
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Don't trust atoms

They make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/404cus/dont_trust_atoms/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40497z/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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Star Wars Joke...

If Finn hooks up with Rey...
He would be the first stormtrooper to hit something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4047wc/star_wars_joke/
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You see, the thing about dark humor is...

it's a lot like food.  Not everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4046ma/you_see_the_thing_about_dark_humor_is/
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What has six balls and rapes the poor?

The lottery.
It's over $800 million folks! Dragged this joke back for the occasion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4043m1/what_has_six_balls_and_rapes_the_poor/
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What's E.T. short for?

So he can fit in his spaceship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4042xg/whats_et_short_for/
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Grammar is important.

It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4042b8/grammar_is_important/
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Our Top Story Today...

Convicted hitman, Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClardy, confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures.
Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack.
(from Colin Mocherie)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4040ss/our_top_story_today/
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There are two types of people in the world.

Those that can find an answer through simple deduction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/403x4l/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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Jared Fogle likes his subs the way he likes his women...

6 to 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/403vjf/jared_fogle_likes_his_subs_the_way_he_likes_his/
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Q: What's long and hard and has cum in it?

A: a cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/403ump/q_whats_long_and_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
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What happened to the plant outside the math class window?

It grew square roots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/403siq/what_happened_to_the_plant_outside_the_math_class/
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A guy walks into a bar ...

He sits down and over the course of a few hours, proceeds to get good and hammered.  He eventually asks the bartender,  "which way to the bathroom?"
"Second door on the right", comes the reply.
The man, too drunk to count to two, proceeds one door too far and finds himself in a room with a magical golden toilet.  He proceeds to drop a deuce and a half, clean himself off, and calls it a night.
He comes back again the next night and proceeds to get good and drunk again, deuce in the magical golden toilet, home.
He comes back the third night, drunk, gets up for the bathroom only to find the magical golden toilet is no longer there.  He stumbles back to the bar to ask the bartender what happened to it.
"So you're the asshole that's been shitting in my tuba?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/403r4i/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call an area where an Octopus is sitting?

Octopied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/403pfv/what_do_you_call_an_area_where_an_octopus_is/
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A cop sets up a speed trap on a lonely highway.

After hours of waiting, he finally sees a car speeding down the highway towards him. He clocks the car at nearly double the speed limit, quickly pulls him over and walks up to the driver.
Cop: "I've been waiting for someone like you to come around all day, boy."
Driver: "Well I'm sorry officer, I got here as fast as I could!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/403oua/a_cop_sets_up_a_speed_trap_on_a_lonely_highway/
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A mother and father named their child, "Odd..."

...and because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends.  In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers.  In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.
And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life.  In his suicide note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.
And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/403nf1/a_mother_and_father_named_their_child_odd/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, but it's at least 6, because my basement is still dark!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/403hu6/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Whats big and white and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/403hdr/whats_big_and_white_and_if_it_fell_out_of_a_tree/
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So there are two Cats...

The first cats name is one-two-three and the second cats name is un-deux-trois, both cats try to cross the river, which cat got across first?
The one-two-three cat, because the un-deux-trois cat sank

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/403g0s/so_there_are_two_cats/
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A man calls his house and his young daughter answers the phone...

"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Bob."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Bob."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that daddy just drove into the driveway.
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Bob?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
After a long pause, The father says, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-1298?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/403ch5/a_man_calls_his_house_and_his_young_daughter/
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How did the phone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4033bu/how_did_the_phone_propose_to_his_girlfriend/
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An elderly woman was talking to her daughter.

"I really miss your father," she said, "I'm still in love with him even though he's been gone so long."
The daughter says, "I've always been a little fuzzy on the details of how he died, Mom."
"Well let me tell you," she said. "We used to make love every Sunday morning."
"Why Sunday?" asked the daughter.
"We used to make love to the rhythm of the church bells: in when in it dings, out when in it dongs."
"What does that have to do with Dad dying?" asked the daughter.
"Well, he'd still be with us," she said, "if it weren't for that ice cream truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40307n/an_elderly_woman_was_talking_to_her_daughter/
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My physics teacher is the chord slope of an a-t curve

The average jerk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/402rl4/my_physics_teacher_is_the_chord_slope_of_an_at/
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The wife comes home......

The wife comes to home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, twho bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.
Husband: Are we expecting guests today?
Wife :  Nope..
Husband : Then why did you buy so much bread?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/402p2n/the_wife_comes_home/
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Did you see that Sargento is going to stop selling shredded cheese?

They're trying to make America grate again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/402mts/did_you_see_that_sargento_is_going_to_stop/
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I have this song in my head I haven't heard in years. I'm pretty sure it's called "Don't Speak"?

On second thought, there's no doubt in my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/402j4m/i_have_this_song_in_my_head_i_havent_heard_in/
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A guy calls in sick to work one day..

A man calls his boss one morning and tells him that he is staying home because he is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" the boss asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," he says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/402htc/a_guy_calls_in_sick_to_work_one_day/
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Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?

More often than not, they were called "peasants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/402hiq/did_you_know_there_were_vegetarians_in_medieval/
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A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Donald Trump fans......

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Donald Trump fans.
Not really knowing what a Donald Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Donald Trump fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Donald Trump?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat."
The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Donald Trump fan."
Disclaimer: I didn't come up with this joke, a friend told it to me. I know it's been floating around for a bit but i haven't seen it on here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/402fwv/a_teacher_asked_her_6th_grade_class_how_many_of/
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Guy manages to land a Superbowl ticket...

But he's in the last row. He decides to move down and find an empty seat. Of course there's none, but finally spots a great seat next to an older gentleman. "Hey anyone sitting there?" "No, go ahead." so he sits down. "Great seats here, strange to find one empty." "Well, that would have been my wife's.  We've been to all 49 Superbowls, but she passed away." "I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't you find any friends or family to come?" "No, they're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/402dp4/guy_manages_to_land_a_superbowl_ticket/
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The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and be awarded eternal life"

John came fifth and was awarded a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4023ry/the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_be_awarded/
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If 2 vegans are having an argument....

True life story.
Patient: Can I tell you a joke
Me: Sure.
Patient: If 2 vegans are having an argument, is there still beef between them?
No eating disorders were harmed or diagnosed in the course of this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4023m3/if_2_vegans_are_having_an_argument/
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Do you know how we know that Adam and Eve were white?

Because even god doesn't have the balls to steal a rib from a black guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4020b8/do_you_know_how_we_know_that_adam_and_eve_were/
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Always get the bartender's opinion

Ever since I was a child I've always had a fear of something under my bed. So I went to a shrink and told him:
I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under my bed!! I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
I'll sleep on it, I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00."
"A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."
Forget the shrinks. Have a drink and talk to a bartender. It's always better to get a second opinion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40202b/always_get_the_bartenders_opinion/
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A priest goes golfing with his nuns....

A priest who typically goes golfing with his friends every Thursday afternoon gets a call saying his buddies won't be joining him one morning. Still wanting to go, he asks three of his nuns to go with him for company. They agree, somewhat hesitantly.
On the first tee, the priest's shot lands straight in the closest water hazard.
"Damn it, I missed!", the priest shouts in frustration. The nuns scold him for his bad language. The priest apologizes and walks up to the drop zone for his next shot.
His second shot is no better than his first as it goes wayward into the forest. "Damn it, I missed!", he screams.
The nuns, again, are mortified at his language. "Father, we must insist that you cease this language. We'll leave if we hear it again!"
The priest, apologizes again, "I'm sorry. Please don't leave. I promise I'll stop with the profanity. I'll tell you what, if I curse again, may lighting reign down from the heavens and strike me."
The nuns, reluctantly, agree to stay with him as he lines up his next shot. The ball goes across the fairway and lands back into the water hazard.
"Damn it, I missed!" the priest cries.
Suddenly, dark clouds, seemingly out of nowhere, flood the sky. A bolt of lightning flashes down on the course and strikes the three nuns dead.
A big booming voice from the sky then bellows angrily, "Damn it, I missed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/401zh1/a_priest_goes_golfing_with_his_nuns/
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What is 6.9

Good sex interrupted by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/401wir/what_is_69/
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Where shall we go for lunch?

A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big chests and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
Told to me by my boss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/401v9y/where_shall_we_go_for_lunch/
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Why do women live longer than men?

They're not married to women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/401sym/why_do_women_live_longer_than_men/
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What do comic book collectors use in their hair when they shower?

Mint conditioner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/401mdh/what_do_comic_book_collectors_use_in_their_hair/
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My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on...

Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/401hk3/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_look_uncool_with_a_bike/
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I took a Scottish girl to the countryside.

"Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.
I said, "I love you too..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/401fqt/i_took_a_scottish_girl_to_the_countryside/
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Wife How would you describe me Husband

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4019lr/wife_how_would_you_describe_me_husband/
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What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?

A waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4017dh/what_do_you_call_a_girl_with_an_hourglass_figure/
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A recent survey asked 12 year olds what they had done over the past week. 83 percent answered...

"your mom".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4013ez/a_recent_survey_asked_12_year_olds_what_they_had/
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Someone asked me if I was more indecisive or anti-climactic.

I guess if I had to choose...I'd definitely say I'm one or the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4012qh/someone_asked_me_if_i_was_more_indecisive_or/
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Drug safety

Remember kids, say no to drugs because if the drugs are talking to you, you've had the right amount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4012nq/drug_safety/
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My local newspaper ran a pun writing contest

I entered my ten best puns hoping one would win, sadly no pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/400xmd/my_local_newspaper_ran_a_pun_writing_contest/
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My mother called me a son of a bitch

One time my mother called me a son of a bitch, so I hit her because no one talks trash about my mother, then I hit myself because no one hits my mother, she then hit me because no one hits her son and then hit herself because no one hits me, so I hit her because no one hits my mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/400pcw/my_mother_called_me_a_son_of_a_bitch/
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A man knocked my door for some donation..

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. i gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/400nv2/a_man_knocked_my_door_for_some_donation/
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If Finn hooks up with Rey...

He'll be the first Stormtrooper ever to hit something!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/400lvq/if_finn_hooks_up_with_rey/
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What's in a name?

Boy asks a girl: Is your name WiFi?
Girl: No, why?
Boy: Because I am feeling a connection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/400jsu/whats_in_a_name/
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How do you make a song better using cement?

By remixing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/400ih5/how_do_you_make_a_song_better_using_cement/
%
Why is the network engineer sad?

Because his career is in bits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/400ia2/why_is_the_network_engineer_sad/
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That's it! No more dick jokes! I'm only doing jokes about intellectual topics, like finance!

Today the Vietnamese Dong remained firm against the Zambian Kwacha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/400gbu/thats_it_no_more_dick_jokes_im_only_doing_jokes/
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What do you call a woman with no clitoris?

It doesn't matter, she's not going to come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4008qh/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_no_clitoris/
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How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh?

It weighs
*Won-ton*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/400854/how_much_does_a_chinese_dumpling_weigh/
%
Sometimes in the mornings I have dirty thoughts about a dead girlfriend

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4007w6/sometimes_in_the_mornings_i_have_dirty_thoughts/
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9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40036i/9_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_out_on/
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This vegan I met said she knew me

But I'd never seen herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4001s4/this_vegan_i_met_said_she_knew_me/
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What did Bill Cosby say when he was in a bar and he accidentally slipped a pill into one of those drinks you light on fire and then the bartender lit it on fire?

The roof', the roof', the roofies on fire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zzyik/what_did_bill_cosby_say_when_he_was_in_a_bar_and/
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What is the difference between American teen girls and Muslim teen girls?

American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zzygm/what_is_the_difference_between_american_teen/
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I went to a gay bar. As I sat down to order a drink,

I went to a gay bar.  As I sat down to order a drink, a kind gentleman approached and offered to push my stool in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zztaf/i_went_to_a_gay_bar_as_i_sat_down_to_order_a_drink/
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What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zzsh1/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
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Two guys are walking through a game park

They come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zzsgh/two_guys_are_walking_through_a_game_park/
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What do you call an sexual intercourse between Nigel Thornberry and The Incredible Hulk?

SMASHING!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zzmyc/what_do_you_call_an_sexual_intercourse_between/
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So... this young guy is walking through a park,

when he comes across an old guy sitting on a park bench, crying. The young guy says "Sir, sir, I see you're crying, what's wrong?"
The old guy says "I was sitting here a week ago when this young, beautiful woman came up to me, we started talking and we really liked each other." The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?"
The old guy says "We started kissing and we couldn't keep our hands off each other." The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?" The old guy says "She came back to my place, moved in with me, and now all she wants to do is make love to me 24 hours a day."
The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?" The old guy says "I can't remember where I live."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zzmww/so_this_young_guy_is_walking_through_a_park/
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Life of a chef must suck.

All your work eventually turns to shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zzlda/life_of_a_chef_must_suck/
%
Friend ran in the Boston Marathon,

He said he had a blast but can't feel his legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zzguw/friend_ran_in_the_boston_marathon/
%
A child walks in on his parents having an argument

and he hears "You bitch!" and "You bastard!" He asks, "What does that mean?". His parents, not expecting the question, answer "They're other words for 'Ladies and Gentlemen'."
The child later walks in on his parents having make-up sex and hears "Nice tits!" and "Nice dick!" He asks, "What does that mean?" His parents answer "It means 'coats and hats'."
The next day is Thanksgiving. The father is in the bathroom shaving when he cuts himself with the razor and shouts "Shit!" The child overhears and asks "What does that mean?" "It's the brand of shaving cream that I use", the father replies.
Downstairs, his mother is preparing Thanksgiving dinner when she cuts her finger with a knife and yells "Fuck!". "What does that mean?" the child asks. His mother, impatient and in pain, replies, "It means 'Stuff', okay?".
Just then, the doorbell rings to announce their guests for dinner. The child opens the door to greet them and says:
"Hello, bitches and bastards. You may leave your tits and dicks by the door. My parents will be with you shortly: my dad has shit on his face and my mom's fucking the turkey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zz906/a_child_walks_in_on_his_parents_having_an_argument/
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I found a wallet with 300 dollars in it yesterday...

I thought to my self "What would jesus do?" so I turned it into wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zz88c/i_found_a_wallet_with_300_dollars_in_it_yesterday/
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A synagogue is having a major rat problem

Every time the rabbi holds a sermon, people can't help but notice that there are rats running every which way. The rabbi tries setting out rat traps, hiring exterminators, doing everything he can, but each and every week, the rats are back.
Finally after one sermon, as the room is clearing out and the rabbi starts sweeping up rat droppings, an elderly man approaches him.
"Excuse me," he says, "I wanted you to know that I used to be a rabbi myself, and my synagogue was overrun with rats for a while as well."
"For a while?" the rabbi says. "Were you able to fix it, then?"
"Oh yes."
"Please," the rabbi continues, "tell me what you did! The rats have become too much to handle."
"It's simple. Tomorrow, I want you to put a giant pile of food in the middle of the room. Cheese, raisins, peanut butter, everything. Then, just wait at the center of the room. And once all the rats are out and eating, you give them all a Bar Mitzvah."
The rabbi just stares at the old man. "A... a Bar Mitzvah? What on earth for?"
"Because I guarantee you, once they have had their Bar Mitzvah, they will never step foot inside a synagogue again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zz5y4/a_synagogue_is_having_a_major_rat_problem/
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Two midgets go into a bar...

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again … ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long.
In the morning, the second midget asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a erection.”
The second midget shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?”….“I couldn’t even get on the bed!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zz5l7/two_midgets_go_into_a_bar/
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The phone rings...

...and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello."
"May I speak with Mrs. Smith please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Smith, this is Doctor Kent at Metro Labs.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, we also received a biopsy from another Mr. Smith as well.
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Smith asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Smith.
"Normally we can, but your insurance will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The insurance company recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zyx53/the_phone_rings/
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Where do you drown hipsters?

In the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zyw21/where_do_you_drown_hipsters/
%
What do you get from a dollar-an-hour hooker?

A lot of bang for your buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zyugu/what_do_you_get_from_a_dollaranhour_hooker/
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Why wasn't Christ born in Ireland?

Because they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zyu98/why_wasnt_christ_born_in_ireland/
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What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zyov0/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a/
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Little Johnny

One day, Little Johnny came home from school early and walked in on his parents having sex.
Little Johnny: "What are you two doing?"
Father: "I am playing *Poker* son"
Little Johnny: "What about mom?"
Father: "Don't worry about her, she is my *Wildcard*"
Little Johnny shrugged, put down is backpack and went to the bathroom. An hour passed by and his dad became concerned.
Father: *Knocks on the door* "Little Johnny! Are you okay?" *No response* "LITTLE JOHNNY! ARE YOU OKAY?"
Still no response, his dad knocks down the door to catch Little Johnny playing with himself.
Father: "What were you doing in here, Little Johnny?"
Little Johnny: "I was playing *Poker*, Dad."
Father: "Oh really? If you're playing *Poker, then where is your Wildcard*?"
Little Johnny: "*Dad, when you have a hand this good, you don't need no Wildcard*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zyflm/little_johnny/
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Two elderly women sitting on a bench....

One leans in and says "I just pulled a silent but deadly". The other leans back and says "I think you need a new hearing aid.
(I'm not taking creds for this I didn't make it up)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zyam6/two_elderly_women_sitting_on_a_bench/
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You stop bad music with a tuning fork. How do you stop bad singing?

A pitchfork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zy3vw/you_stop_bad_music_with_a_tuning_fork_how_do_you/
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Two condoms walk past a gay bar...

One looks to the other and says "let's get shit faced"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zy29h/two_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
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A customer was buying condoms at work today.

I asked if he'd like a bag.
"No, she's not that ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxzrn/a_customer_was_buying_condoms_at_work_today/
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A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street

when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.
"I was taking pee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out."
Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxzjb/a_woman_pregnant_with_triplets_is_walking_down/
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If you don't know what an prefix is, don't worry.

It's not the end of the word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxxq6/if_you_dont_know_what_an_prefix_is_dont_worry/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger just announced he's giving up the limelight to go back to his first love, pest control.

He's an ex-terminator now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxvwe/arnold_schwarzenegger_just_announced_hes_giving/
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What would you call a 100 year old can of baked beans?

Has-beens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxv5m/what_would_you_call_a_100_year_old_can_of_baked/
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A little boy was sitting in class...

The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.
The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?"
Little Timmy was bouncing up and down in his seat, arm raised: "OOH! OOH! I KNOW!"
Before the teacher could call on him, little Julie stood and said: "Franklin Roosevelt".
"Very good Julie, you can go." the teacher replied. "Okay class, which president said: 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?"
Again, little Timmy's hand shot into the air and he waved his arms excitedly. "OOH! OOH! I KNOW! PLEASE!"
Again, before she had a chance to call on anyone, little Sally stood and said: "John Kennedy"
"Very good Sally, you may leave also." The teacher asked again "Okay class, which President said: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall?"
Before Timmy could answer, little Jennifer jumped up and shouted: "Ronald Reagan!"
Frustrated, little Timmy mumbled to himself: "I wish these bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!"
The teacher heard and shouted: "WHO SAID THAT!?!"
Timmy jumped up: "Bill Clinton! Can I go now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxu4d/a_little_boy_was_sitting_in_class/
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Did you hear about the man who got a hatchet stuck in his teeth?

It was accidental.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxro7/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_got_a_hatchet/
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You guys hear about the gummi bear massacre?

It was Haribo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxnua/you_guys_hear_about_the_gummi_bear_massacre/
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To Inherit a Fortune

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly,   widower father died,   Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.   Going to a singles' bar,   he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm jus an ordinary man,"   he said,   walking up to her,   "but in just a week or two,   my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles,   and the next day she became his stepmother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxmup/to_inherit_a_fortune/
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I was wondering what my parents did without the internet

and none of my 7 siblings could tell me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxmmw/i_was_wondering_what_my_parents_did_without_the/
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What do you call an expert in psychedelics?

A trip advisor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxlqs/what_do_you_call_an_expert_in_psychedelics/
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I thought about starting a support group for pessimists...

...but why bother, it's not like it'd make any difference anyway...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxl17/i_thought_about_starting_a_support_group_for/
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I don't know how to tell people this...

But I want to be a translator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxjhx/i_dont_know_how_to_tell_people_this/
%
If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware?

I dunno, Alaska.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxh0x/if_mississippi_wears_her_new_jersey_what_does/
%
What happened after the word bank was robbed?

There was a run on sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxguz/what_happened_after_the_word_bank_was_robbed/
%
A hippie sits down at a bar...

So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job".
Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.
A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.
"Something about a job. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxfyi/a_hippie_sits_down_at_a_bar/
%
Why did the jalapeno put on a sweater?

Because he was a little chile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxdky/why_did_the_jalapeno_put_on_a_sweater/
%
Why did the pharaoh retire?

Because he did not want to be part of a pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxcpr/why_did_the_pharaoh_retire/
%
As a female carpenter, I'm often asked if I prefer...

To get screwed or nailed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zx9p8/as_a_female_carpenter_im_often_asked_if_i_prefer/
%
What Do You Call An Asian Billionare?

Cha Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zx5s3/what_do_you_call_an_asian_billionare/
%
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had

He started counting, but fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zx52h/i_asked_my_welsh_friend_how_many_sexual_partners/
%
I went to a psychic today. Ended up accidentally breaking her crystal ball.

It cost me a fortune.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zx27t/i_went_to_a_psychic_today_ended_up_accidentally/
%
I hate people who knock on my door and tell me that I need to be saved or I'm going to burn.

Stupid firemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zx21q/i_hate_people_who_knock_on_my_door_and_tell_me/
%
A doctor walks into a bank.

Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to 'write' with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well that's great, just great...some asshole's got my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zwzs0/a_doctor_walks_into_a_bank/
%
I was at a party and a policeman found some drugs on me.

"You don't understand, sir. These drugs aren't mine. My friend told me they're magic and that if you flush them down a toilet, they magically appear in your pocket! I tried it, and now the drugs are in my pockets and will never go away!", I said.
The policeman chuckled and said, "You honestly expect me to believe that, boy?"
"No really, I can show you!", I said.
"Alright", he said, and we went to the bathroom.
I flushed the drugs down the toilet.
After a few moments, the policeman said "Well? Where are they?"
"Where are what?", I said.
"The drugs!"
"What drugs"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zwzjs/i_was_at_a_party_and_a_policeman_found_some_drugs/
%
Two aliens attack on earth

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The other alien shouted to his comrade 'No, you mustn't anger him...!', but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, 'What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so dangerous?'
The other alien answered, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't screw with him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zwv3z/two_aliens_attack_on_earth/
%
I inherited one of the paintings done by Adolf Hitler today.

I don't want to hang it in my house though. I'm afraid it's bad Jew Jew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zwnmx/i_inherited_one_of_the_paintings_done_by_adolf/
%
What do angry beavers build?

DAMNITS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zwmdn/what_do_angry_beavers_build/
%
Police are saying that they're looking for a black man in his early twenties...

And that they always will be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zwmdd/police_are_saying_that_theyre_looking_for_a_black/
%
I once lived with a Canadian family for a year...

They didn't want me to, but were too polite to ask me to leave!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zwhb9/i_once_lived_with_a_canadian_family_for_a_year/
%
What do you call a pig stuck in a topiary?

A hedgehog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zwb19/what_do_you_call_a_pig_stuck_in_a_topiary/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping?

He woke up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zw8zg/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping/
%
A guy is driving when one of his wheels comes off!

He manages to pull over safely and recovers the tire.
When he does he notices that he does not have any spare lug nuts to re-secure the tire the car.
He spends a good long while pacing around the car and cursing. He notices that he is being watched by a man in blue scrubs and white slippers and robe behind a tall fence.
Finally the guy in the robe asks the driver, "Do you want to know what I think?"
The driver responds , "No, you fucking moron, I don't want to know what you think! Can't you see that I'm stuck here and the nearest gas station is miles away!"
The guy in the robe suggests that the driver take a nut from each remaining tire to secure the rogue one. That way, each tire has three and he can make it to the gas station.
The driver looks up and sees that he broke down in front of the insane asylum and he realizes the guy in the robe must be a patient...the driver asks, "Hey, you seem like a pretty bright guy. What are you doing in there?"
The guy in the robe responds, "I'm crazy, not fucking stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zw8kv/a_guy_is_driving_when_one_of_his_wheels_comes_off/
%
My history teacher found a tampon

He's still trying to figure out what period it's from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zw577/my_history_teacher_found_a_tampon/
%
Why are Lawyers buried forty feet deep when they die?

Because deep down they're really nice people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zw50d/why_are_lawyers_buried_forty_feet_deep_when_they/
%
Who is James Bond's favorite bartender?

Michael J Fox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zw045/who_is_james_bonds_favorite_bartender/
%
How do you tittilate an ocelot?

Oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zvzog/how_do_you_tittilate_an_ocelot/
%
Everyone in my family is quite wealthy and successful...

...but I hate following the crowd, so I decided to become a panhandler instead.
I beg to differ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zvyz9/everyone_in_my_family_is_quite_wealthy_and/
%
When toddlers get naked and run around giggling, it's "cute" and "funny"

...but when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "not allowed back in Target"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zvuru/when_toddlers_get_naked_and_run_around_giggling/
%
What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zvu30/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_dinosaur_crashes_his/
%
What made me become a baker?

I kneaded the dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zvtvr/what_made_me_become_a_baker/
%
Where is the most conflict in a loaf of bread?

The middle yeast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zvny8/where_is_the_most_conflict_in_a_loaf_of_bread/
%
Two old aged guys, one 70 and one 75, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 75-year-old said, "well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "my goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit except me!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zvl9s/two_old_aged_guys_one_70_and_one_75_were_sitting/
%
Who was the greatest prostitute of all time?

Ms. Pacman. for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls until she died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zvkg7/who_was_the_greatest_prostitute_of_all_time/
%
Fright flight!

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the flight attendant announces over the intercom that, "We're just waiting for the pilots."
The passengers look out the windows, and see two men, dressed in pilot's uniforms, walking towards the plane.
Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind.
There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.
The men board the plane and go into the cockpit.
More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers.
The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins its takeoff.
As passengers look out the window, they realize they are nearing the end of the runway!!
The entire passenger cabin begins screaming, but the plane lifts off, just before the end of the runway.
The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.
In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says, "You know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zvisw/fright_flight/
%
Twenty years ago my mother almost aborted my brother. Yesterday he died in a fight with a cloakroom attendant.

The coathanger still got him in the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zve4x/twenty_years_ago_my_mother_almost_aborted_my/
%
What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?

They both shred footage.
(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zva0b/what_does_a_chicago_police_officer_and_a/
%
So I organized a threesome last night!

...there were a couple no shows, but I really enjoyed myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zv61h/so_i_organized_a_threesome_last_night/
%
Why did the rooster cross the road?

To go to the toilets, where all the cocks hang out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zv5kd/why_did_the_rooster_cross_the_road/
%
My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zv51i/my_friend_got_jailed_6_months_for_pulling_4/
%
I burnt my Hawaiian Pizza last night.

Must use Aloha setting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zv1us/i_burnt_my_hawaiian_pizza_last_night/
%
Why are religious people afraid of Trigonometry?

Cos they are afraid of Sin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zuzyu/why_are_religious_people_afraid_of_trigonometry/
%
Why is the archaeologist sad?

Because his career is in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zuwaq/why_is_the_archaeologist_sad/
%
Why do writers hate the bible?

It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zursd/why_do_writers_hate_the_bible/
%
I organised a party for men who suffer from premature ejaculation...

There's no strict dress code, just come in your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zunnd/i_organised_a_party_for_men_who_suffer_from/
%
What's the difference between an old Greyhound bus terminal and a lobster with 38 D breasts?

One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zuk9j/whats_the_difference_between_an_old_greyhound_bus/
%
What's today's date?

Germany/Brazil/2016

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zujin/whats_todays_date/
%
My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms; my second wife died of a fractured skull...

She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zujcw/my_first_wife_died_from_eating_poison_mushrooms/
%
What's the difference between having a boner and being cyberbullied?

One is getting erect, and the other is getting e-wrecked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zui58/whats_the_difference_between_having_a_boner_and/
%
Two condoms walk past a gay bar...

one turns to the other and says "Hey, do you wanna get.....
shitfaced?"
(sorry if you saw this already)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zuefg/two_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
%
I lost my job at the suicide hotline.

Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zu0mg/i_lost_my_job_at_the_suicide_hotline/
%
Why should you never date a tennis player?

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ztr2k/why_should_you_never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ztpqw/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
%
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One fish turns to the other and says, "DAM."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ztoaa/two_fish_swim_into_a_concrete_wall/
%
At a marriage counselling session for men...

... the counseller asked the men to divide themselves into those that always listen to their wives as a group, and those that are able to stand up for themselves as another group.
Expecting a sweeping outcome, the counseller was surprised to see John sitting alone in the group for men able to stand up for themself. Curious yet glad to have an example, the counseller asked John "Hey John, please share your experience with us so that we may all learn."
To that, John strongly replied "My wife told me not to sit with the crowd."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ztnc0/at_a_marriage_counselling_session_for_men/
%
I'm starting a support group for men who have difficulty ejaculating

Let us know if you can't come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ztmek/im_starting_a_support_group_for_men_who_have/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Ayeee-Matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ztlhi/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80_years/
%
I got pulled over today for going 112 mph in a 55 mph zone.

The police officer said "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."
I promptly replied "Well I got here as fast as I could!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ztkgw/i_got_pulled_over_today_for_going_112_mph_in_a_55/
%
A duck went on vacation and stayed in a nice hotel. [NSFW?]

A duck went on vacation. He flew in and got a room at a really fancy hotel. He had some time to kill, so he went down to a bar. While he was there, he met a beautiful woman. He started talking to her. Things were going really well, so he asked her if she wanted to head back to his hotel room. She smiled and said yes. When they got to the hotel room, she started to undress. The duck realized that he didn't have any protection. Since he didn't want to have a duckling with a lady he barely knew, he called for room service and asked for a condom. The man from room service came to the room and knocked on the door. The duck opened the door, and the man held out a silver platter with a condom on it.
"Here you are, sir," he said. "Would you like me to put this on your bill?"
The duck was confused and a bit disgusted. "Um, no," he said. "That's not where it goes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ztfvh/a_duck_went_on_vacation_and_stayed_in_a_nice/
%
What's the opposite of drunken noodles?

Soba noodles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ztb1x/whats_the_opposite_of_drunken_noodles/
%
How does a mathematician get rid of constipation?

He gets a pencil and works it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zt90i/how_does_a_mathematician_get_rid_of_constipation/
%
I broke up with my gym

We just weren't working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zt5k8/i_broke_up_with_my_gym/
%
What song did Scar sing when he fixed his car horn?

Beep repaired...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zt34i/what_song_did_scar_sing_when_he_fixed_his_car_horn/
%
What was Mark Hamill's reaction when he finished reading The Force Awakens script?

Speechless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zsyie/what_was_mark_hamills_reaction_when_he_finished/
%
Chemistry Hotel

So I was driving down the road, getting pretty tired on my way home and saw a sign that said "Chemistry Hotel"
the sign said:
*"Cheap Day Rates, and Even Cheaper NO3-'s"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zsxf6/chemistry_hotel/
%
Hello and welcome to Hypocrite's Anonymous.

What's your name?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zsrel/hello_and_welcome_to_hypocrites_anonymous/
%
A man walks into a bar...

...and sees a jar stuffed with $20 bills. He asked the bartender what it was for, and the bartender said, "I have a horse out back. If you can make him laugh, you get the cash, but nobody has been able to do it yet." The man placed a 20 in the jar and went out back. Thirty seconds later he emerged with the sounds of the horse laughing in the background. The man grabbed the jar and left.
A week later the man returned to see another jar stuffed with cash, so he asked why this one was here. The bartender said, "I don't know what you did, but my horse will not stop laughing. It's gotten to the point where he has nearly suffocated from laughing so hard. This jar goes to anyone who can make him stop." The man put a 20 in that jar and went out back. Seconds later all was quiet. The man grabbed the jar and started to leave when the bartender went, "Whoah whoah whoah. First you made my horse laugh so easily, and now you made him stop just as fast. What gives?" The man replied, "To make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his. To make him stop I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zspi7/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Accordion to a recent study, switching the words of a sentence with a musical instrument often goes unnoticed.

It's science.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zslni/accordion_to_a_recent_study_switching_the_words/
%
Someone told me there's a gay guy in my circle of friends...

I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zsk97/someone_told_me_theres_a_gay_guy_in_my_circle_of/
%
What's the difference between a pedophile and acne? NSFW

One doesn't come on your face until your twelve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zsk12/whats_the_difference_between_a_pedophile_and_acne/
%
Medusa is the sexiest woman to ever live...

everyone who saw her got hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zs7vx/medusa_is_the_sexiest_woman_to_ever_live/
%
What is Forrest Gump's favorite pasta?

PENNAY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zs1bq/what_is_forrest_gumps_favorite_pasta/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and Sasha Grey?

The look on their face while getting nailed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zs074/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_sasha_grey/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zrtxr/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
So i started a club for guys with erectile dysfunction....

Was a total flop, nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zrrkh/so_i_started_a_club_for_guys_with_erectile/
%
Why are there no walmarts in Syria

Because there's a target on every corner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zrnau/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_syria/
%
My mom told me that I objectify women.

When she asked me why I broke up with my last girlfriend I said "it didn't work out." She said "be more specific." I said "I just told you she didn't exercise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zrj4j/my_mom_told_me_that_i_objectify_women/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women

Without a penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zriwh/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
Jimmy, your composition "My Dog" is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

No, sir. It's the same dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zrhzl/jimmy_your_composition_my_dog_is_the_same_as_your/
%
A man walked into a hospital with 8 plastic horses in his rectum.

They described his condition as "stable"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zrbfy/a_man_walked_into_a_hospital_with_8_plastic/
%
Breaking news!!!

Ne   ws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zra6c/breaking_news/
%
I turn heads every time I go to work

Makes sense, I'm a chiropractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zr4ph/i_turn_heads_every_time_i_go_to_work/
%
Why are women bad at parking?

Because they're consistently lied to about what 6 inches looks like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zr11n/why_are_women_bad_at_parking/
%
I saw someone try to park a car for about 10 minutes.

I didn't see the driver so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zqqau/i_saw_someone_try_to_park_a_car_for_about_10/
%
Barbara Walters was doing a story on gender roles in Afghanistan

She noted that women customarily walked 10 feet behind their husbands
Impressed she approached one of the Afghani women and said, "This is marvellous! What a nice gesture of respect to a husband. Is there any specific reason to this custom?"
The lady whispered, "Land Mines"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zqoca/barbara_walters_was_doing_a_story_on_gender_roles/
%
How does a 49er fan change a light bulb?

He doesn't he just talks about how great it use to be

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zqmjn/how_does_a_49er_fan_change_a_light_bulb/
%
What's the difference between onions and babies?

I don't cry when i chop up babies...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zqmbd/whats_the_difference_between_onions_and_babies/
%
They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile

Not me. I live next to two guys who keep reposting a century-old joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zqjzj/they_say_that_every_2_out_of_3_people_live_next/
%
What is Poseidon's favourite shortcut?

ctrl + C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zqinb/what_is_poseidons_favourite_shortcut/
%
I made a bet with my sister that I could make a working car out of spaghetti..

..you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zqdd0/i_made_a_bet_with_my_sister_that_i_could_make_a/
%
What's the hardest part about rollerblading?

...telling your dad you're gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zq80y/whats_the_hardest_part_about_rollerblading/
%
What do you call a half-length lightsabre?

A slightsabre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zq6ml/what_do_you_call_a_halflength_lightsabre/
%
How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zq2z1/how_does_donald_trump_plan_on_deporting_12/
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What do you call an aircraft piloted by an all female flight crew

An unmanned aircraft.
Stolen from [here](https://np.reddit.com/r/flying/comments/2mntbj/my_wifes_first_flight_as_captain/cm6ahb4)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpzxb/what_do_you_call_an_aircraft_piloted_by_an_all/
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My family treats me like a god

They only talk to me when they want something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpyyr/my_family_treats_me_like_a_god/
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What song did Scar sing when he fixed his car horn?

Beep Repaired
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpymk/what_song_did_scar_sing_when_he_fixed_his_car_horn/
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Problem about being a Programmer

Wife said, "Honey, please go to super market and get 1 bottle of milk. If they have bananas, bring 6".
He came back with 6 bottles of milk.
She said " Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?"
He said "BECAUSE THEY HAD BANANAS".
He still does not understand why his wife scolded him after his reply.😟😕😦

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpwgd/problem_about_being_a_programmer/
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Mixed emotions

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and mad at the same time."
She said: "O.K., out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpuem/mixed_emotions/
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An elderly couple is watching tv...

The husband is switching back and forth between porn and his favorite fishing channel.
After a little while, the wife gets annoyed. 'For God's sake, leave the porn on!' she shouts. 'You already know how to fish.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpu5f/an_elderly_couple_is_watching_tv/
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zptup/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
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Life is like a toilet paper...

You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpqye/life_is_like_a_toilet_paper/
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What did the vampire say when his son scraped his knee?

**"Suck it up"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpq2u/what_did_the_vampire_say_when_his_son_scraped_his/
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What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwomen?

-
Snowballs :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpoub/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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I like my women like I like my chocolate.

With nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpodd/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_chocolate/
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How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.
**x-post r/ScienceHumour**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpmuq/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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I really don’t understand why people consider alcohol to be a problem.

Chemically speaking, it’s a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpipm/i_really_dont_understand_why_people_consider/
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My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.

The toughest part was acting surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpgux/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_her_gran_died_of_food/
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They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile

Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 10 year olds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpb7l/they_say_that_every_2_out_of_3_people_live_next/
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So Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby and Bill Nye all walk into a bar...

They all finish their drinks and Nye says to the lady behind the bar I'll cover the tab these two will give you their tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zovyn/so_bill_clinton_bill_cosby_and_bill_nye_all_walk/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change out the light in my basement?

Well...apparently more than four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zot5n/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_out/
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How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zosqs/how_many_surrealists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a picture of Jesus Christ?

It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture of Jesus Christ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zorve/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_christ_and_a/
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I have a Stepladder..

I never knew my real Ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zorei/i_have_a_stepladder/
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Survey Says

A survey found that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house, and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zogny/survey_says/
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Did you hear the one about the gay couple who were perfect for each other?

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zoeon/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_gay_couple_who/
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A man goes for a shave at the barber.

As he sits down in the chair, the barber comes over and pulls a small wooden ball out of his apron.
"What's this?", asked the man curiously.
The barber instructs him to put it in his mouth and to put it in his cheeks as he's shaved.
"It will be the closest shave you've ever had!" exclaimed the barber.
The shave is going very smoothly and sure enough the man receives the smoothest, closest shave he ever dreamt of.
All of a sudden, the man gags a little and swallows the ball accidently.
Horrified he asks, "Now what!?"
"No worries"said the barber "bring it back tomorrow like everyone else!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zoejs/a_man_goes_for_a_shave_at_the_barber/
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Where do you go if a twister is about to touchdown in Texas?

The Dallas Cowboy Stadium, a touchdown never happens there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zodrw/where_do_you_go_if_a_twister_is_about_to/
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"Just spots"

"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
"Did you ever see a doctor?"
"No, just spots."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zo8q3/just_spots/
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The Garden of Eden [NSFW]

One fine afternoon in the early days of the Earth as God was watching over the Garden of Eden he suddenly realized that he hadn't seen Adam or Eve all day. He searched around but couldn't find either of them. After a while he finds Adam walking along by himself. God approaches Adam and asks, "Adam where have you been? I've been searching all over for you."
Adam looking rather guilty replied, "God, I'm really sorry but I've sinned. Me and Eve had sex."
"How could this happen?" God exclaimed, " I gave you explicit instructions that you and Eve were not to have sex."
"I know I know. I'm really sorry but we just couldn't resist."
"well, Adam I'm very dissapointed in the both of you," God stated angrily, "Hey where is Eve anyway?"
"She's washing off in the river," Adam says.
God, "Well shit, now all the fish are gonna smell funny!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zo5q1/the_garden_of_eden_nsfw/
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Two students, James and John, were given a writing assignment...

They were each to write a sentence describing a man who, in the past, suffered from a cold.
James wrote "The man had a cold," but the teacher said that was incorrect.
John wrote "The man had had a cold," which the teacher was pleased with.
So:
John, while James had had "had," had had "had had." "Had had" had had a better effect on the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zo24c/two_students_james_and_john_were_given_a_writing/
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A physicist saw a man standing on a ledge

The physicist yelled out "Don't jump, you have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3znxbr/a_physicist_saw_a_man_standing_on_a_ledge/
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What Does Pink Floyd and Princess Diana Have in Common?

Their biggest hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3znww6/what_does_pink_floyd_and_princess_diana_have_in/
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Believe it or not but my penis was once in the book of Guinness World Records.

The librarian got pretty pissed though and kicked me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3znp43/believe_it_or_not_but_my_penis_was_once_in_the/
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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn".

Stupid firemen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3znp11/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/
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What do you call a snake who works in the government?

A civil serpent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3znnyn/what_do_you_call_a_snake_who_works_in_the/
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What kind of car does Bill Cosby drive?

A Honda quaalude. (Credit to my girlfriend)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3znkma/what_kind_of_car_does_bill_cosby_drive/
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How can you tell if someone is from Texas?

...Oh don't worry , they'll tell you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3znjja/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_from_texas/
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What do marriage and Fallout 4 have in common?

Never enough screws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3znidn/what_do_marriage_and_fallout_4_have_in_common/
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3znian/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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I lied awake all last night waiting for the sun to come up...

And then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zngnz/i_lied_awake_all_last_night_waiting_for_the_sun/
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How do you stay warm outside in the winter?

You just stand in a corner, they are usually around 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3znb87/how_do_you_stay_warm_outside_in_the_winter/
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I think my doctor likes me.

She said I had a cute bronchitis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3znb0x/i_think_my_doctor_likes_me/
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Why did the computer say Hello?

Because it was A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3znav6/why_did_the_computer_say_hello/
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The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, meets his accountant.

The Godfather says to the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather pulls out a gun and says, "If you don't tell me where it is, I'll shoot you in the head and splatter your brains against the wall!" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute, but i can interpret for you"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the money is. The accountant signs back, "The money is under the floorboards in my shed!" "Well, what did he say" asks the Godfather. The attorney replies,
"He says he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zn5o0/the_godfather_accompanied_by_his_attorney_meets/
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Rick Astley Will Lend You...

Any of the Pixar films in his movie collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zn4v7/rick_astley_will_lend_you/
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Someone asked me if I smoked

I said sodium Bromate
Cuz NaBrO
_______________________________________________
Hope you liked my joke! Let me know if you think you've seen it before. I thought I came up with it but these Jokes are common and I'm not clever enough so I possibly read it somewhere
Either way hope you liked it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zn4hn/someone_asked_me_if_i_smoked/
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I like my women like I like my coffee.

Drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zn0wc/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Ghosts? Aw, shit.

Down in the south, a university professor was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked "How many people here believe in ghosts?" and about 90 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you're taking this seriously. Has anyone ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raised their hands.
"Has anybody ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. Let me ask you one more question. Have any of you made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raised his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin and fumbled his way to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, what's it like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Ghosts? Aw, shit. From way back there I thought you said goats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zmyob/ghosts_aw_shit/
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Top 10 Funniest Animal Jokes

Q. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
A. It gets toad away.
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?”
The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.”
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. “Ouch!” He says, “I thought you said your dog does not bite!”
The shopkeeper replies, “That is not my dog!”
Q. Why did the lion brake up with his girlfriend?
A. Cuz she was a CHEETAH!
Snake 1: ‘Are we poisonous?’
Snake 2: ‘I don’t know, why?’
Snake 1: ‘I just bit my lip.’
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breathe through something so small?”
A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”
The man replied, “Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”
Q. Why did the duck get arrested?
A. because he was selling quack
Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: “Put it on my bill.”
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell sausage!” Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!” Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, ‘Sorry, buddy. I can’t serve you.’
‘Why not?’ the snake asks.
‘Because you can’t hold your liquor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zmugt/top_10_funniest_animal_jokes/
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My grandmother got my grandfather new pants and I asked him how they fit.

He said, "Like a cheap castle." I said I was confused. He then explained, "No ballroom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zmmvx/my_grandmother_got_my_grandfather_new_pants_and_i/
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My kids are playing cowboys and Indians.

One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zmjfh/my_kids_are_playing_cowboys_and_indians/
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Guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a whole tequila bottle.
The barman asks him what's up and the guy says "I just found out one of my sons is gay."
Next day, the same guy enters the bar and orders two tequila bottles. Tells the barman "Today, the other son told me he's also gay..."
The third day, the guy asks for 3 tequila bottles. Barman says, "So, I guess there is no one else in your family who likes pussy..."
"Oh yes, there is", replies the guy. "My wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zmaky/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark?

Black people can't swim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zm9pg/why_is_the_bottom_of_the_ocean_so_dark/
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So I went and registered my friends email address at a gay porn site as a prank

"This email address is already in use"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zm9h9/so_i_went_and_registered_my_friends_email_address/
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What do a pimp and a cowboy have in common?

They both know how to throw a ho-down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zm867/what_do_a_pimp_and_a_cowboy_have_in_common/
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My sexual desires have been getting out of control...

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zm79r/my_sexual_desires_have_been_getting_out_of_control/
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A man comes home from work on his birthday.

He's greeted by his crying wife:
"I made you a cake, but the dog ate it :-("
"Don't worry, I'll buy you a new dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zm5yx/a_man_comes_home_from_work_on_his_birthday/
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I tried to grab some fog on the way to work

But I mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zm1tz/i_tried_to_grab_some_fog_on_the_way_to_work/
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I lost two things today. My virginity...

...and my job at the morgue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zm0bv/i_lost_two_things_today_my_virginity/
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Happy Dog Chow

Last week at Walmart I had a big bag of Happy Dog Chow in my cart, and as I passed a woman shopper she asked me if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, a giraffe?
Well, I’m retired and always on the lookout for fun, so I told her I didn’t actually have a dog, but I was starting on the “Happy Dog” diet again.
“It’s really simple” I said. “You just keep your pockets full of Happy Dog chunks, and every time you feel your stomach rumble you just pop a couple in your mouth. It’s nutritionally complete, has lots of fiber, and last time I lost 25 pounds.”
A few more people had stopped and were listening by this time, and they all seemed mesmerized. When you live long enough to be retired, you realize people will believe anything if you make it interesting.
So I really cranked it up and said, “Even though it worked great and I lost weight, I’m not sure it’s a good idea, because last time I wound up in intensive care.”
The woman opened her eyes wide and asked, “Were you poisoned by the dog food?”
“No,” I said. “I, was just minding my business, licking my dick in the middle of the street, and a car ran me over”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zlyic/happy_dog_chow/
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Roses are Dead, Violets are Dead

I am a bad gardener

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zluyj/roses_are_dead_violets_are_dead/
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I decided to treat my girlfriend, but she ended up dying...

Apparently "cancer" is best left to "medical professionals"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zlqff/i_decided_to_treat_my_girlfriend_but_she_ended_up/
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Knock Knock

Who's there?
Doorbell salesman!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zlpyl/knock_knock/
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Childish Knock Knock Joke

*Knock knock!
*Who's there?
*Take a nap!
*Take a nap who? (say it fast)
*Hope it comes out alright, I'll come back later...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zlpi9/childish_knock_knock_joke/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Seven is a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zlive/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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The answer is "preludes"

Name something Bill Cosby gives to nuns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zli07/the_answer_is_preludes/
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A funny knock knock joke I've heard awhile ago...

*knock* *knock*
who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
...exactly!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zlfdr/a_funny_knock_knock_joke_ive_heard_awhile_ago/
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My Ex-Wife was like a box of chocolate

Everyone got a piece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zl9to/my_exwife_was_like_a_box_of_chocolate/
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Hippos, custard and tapas: the 10 funniest jokes of the Edinburgh fringe

1. Darren Walsh: I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.
2. Stewart Francis: Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West.
3. Adam Hess: Surely every car is a people carrier?
4. Masai Graham: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
5. Dave Green: If I could take just one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t go.
6. Mark Nelson: Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.
7. Tom Parry: Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.
8. Alun Cochrane: The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.
9. Simon Munnery: Clowns divorce: custardy battle.
10. Grace the Child: They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zl948/hippos_custard_and_tapas_the_10_funniest_jokes_of/
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Snooker is like sex.

The pink is more valuable than the brown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zl7gl/snooker_is_like_sex/
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What kind of blood did the mna have who culdn't spel right?

Typo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zl7gc/what_kind_of_blood_did_the_mna_have_who_culdnt/
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I went to see a palm reader.

"Judging by your palms," he said, "I can tell that you masturbate frequently."
"Sorry," I apologised, "I should probably wipe that off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zl4u1/i_went_to_see_a_palm_reader/
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At a job interview:

Interviewer: What are some of your weaknesses?
Applicant: I'm lazy
I: that's it?
A: I'm lazy to list them all...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zl33n/at_a_job_interview/
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What did the cannibal say after he ate a woman in the Coliseum?

He's gladiator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zkx5v/what_did_the_cannibal_say_after_he_ate_a_woman_in/
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What do you call a very lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zkx5u/what_do_you_call_a_very_lazy_baby_kangaroo/
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My friend was raped by a teenager mutant ninja turtle.

He wasn't wearing a mask, so we don't know which one did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zkt9c/my_friend_was_raped_by_a_teenager_mutant_ninja/
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The circumcision surgeon...

A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision.
Throughout his career, he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir.
He takes his specimens to a leather-smith and asks him to make something out of them.
A week later the surgeon returns and the leathersmith presents him with a wallet.
"All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?" exclaims the surgeon.
The leather smith replies, "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a suitcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zksun/the_circumcision_surgeon/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zkn65/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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I had to chase a mugger after he stole my wallet

He really gave me a run for my money!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zkl2g/i_had_to_chase_a_mugger_after_he_stole_my_wallet/
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A genius high school chemistry student takes a test

, gets his score back, and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his University of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was "how many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have?" In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2.
Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach, and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a brass oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface a genie suddenly appears! The genie thunders, "I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire?" The student immediately replies, "I wish I had gotten that question right," and the universe explodes.
**x-post from r/ScienceHumour**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zkic8/a_genius_high_school_chemistry_student_takes_a/
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I just drank another bottle of brake fluid.

My friends think I'm addicted, but I can stop when I want to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zkgc4/i_just_drank_another_bottle_of_brake_fluid/
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How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. We are efficient and don't like humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zkcou/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off...

"Thank you for flying with us this morning.
The weather is....."
Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S BURNING!!!"
A ghostly silence reigned.
He gets back on the microphone and says, "I sincerely apologize for the incident, but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap.. you should see my pants!"
One passenger shouts back, "WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE AND SEE OURS!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zkb9r/a_pilot_was_welcoming_the_passengers_on_the_plane/
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Having gay parents must be horrible

You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zk950/having_gay_parents_must_be_horrible/
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So scientists have invented a way to turn dolphins nearly invisible

It's pretty neat, but I don't really see the porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zk8om/so_scientists_have_invented_a_way_to_turn/
%
Back To School Sadness

Well, I didn't plan on going to school today but, my gun jammed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zk6dk/back_to_school_sadness/
%
Children are like AIDS

They are sexually transmitted, incurable till death and they fuck up your sex lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zk2ba/children_are_like_aids/
%
A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex.

Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zk1kn/a_new_study_has_shown_that_women_who_get_more/
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What do you call a flying Grizzly?

...a bearoplane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zjw7b/what_do_you_call_a_flying_grizzly/
%
Heisenberg, Schroedinger, and Ohm are driving together in a car. A cop pulls them over.

"Do you know how fast you were going back there?" the cop asks.
"No, but I know exactly where we are," replies Heisenberg.
"I clocked you going 85 mph," says the cop. Heisenberg bangs the steering wheel. "Now we're lost!" The cop gets suspicious. He searches the car. "Hey, do you know there's a dead cat in the trunk?"
"We do now, you jerk!" exclaims Schroedinger. The cop decides to arrest the men. Ohm resists.
xposted from r/Sciencehumour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zjtnj/heisenberg_schroedinger_and_ohm_are_driving/
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What's the difference between batman and a black man?

Batman can handle going out without robin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zjt5x/whats_the_difference_between_batman_and_a_black/
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Miss Honey is taking her kindergarten class through the alphabet

"So kids," says Miss Honey, "We're going to go through the alphabet today and see what you all remember. To start with, can anyone tell me a word beginning with the letter A?"
Slowly little Timmy's hand goes up...
"Yes Timmy, what word do you have?"
"Arsehole, miss."
"Timmy! That is a very rude word. I don't know where you heard it but it is a naughty word which is very mean and you really shouldn't say it. It does begin with an 'A' though so I think we'll just move on. Ok kids, how about a word beginning with the letter 'B'?"
There's silence in the class, until slowly little Timmy's hand goes up again.
"Ok Timmy," sighs Miss Honey "What word do you have?"
"Bitch, miss"
"Timmy, for God's sake! That is a horrible word to say.  I want to talk to you afterwords about where you're hearing all these terrible words. Class, that is a very mean word to say to a woman and none of you should say it. Again... it does begin with a 'B' though, so well done for that Timmy and we'll move on. Ummmm...." she paused. "I think given Timmy's mood we're going to skip over 'C' for now, how about a word beginning with the letter 'D'?"
Again there's silence in the room.
"No one?" asks Miss Honey
Then slowly and inevitably little Timmy's hand goes up.
"OK then Timmy, last chance, what is your word, and it better not be rude!"
"Dwarf, miss"
"Timmy, what a fantastic word! A very difficult one indeed! Can you tell the class what a dwarf is?"
"Sure, miss," replies Timmy. "It's a little cunt about this big."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zjrmg/miss_honey_is_taking_her_kindergarten_class/
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Reverse knock knock joke

*Told to be by my dad about 20 years ago:*
Dad: Got a good joke for you, it's a knock knock joke
Me:  OK...
Dad: you have to start...
Me: OK, Knock knock
Dad: Who's there.....
Me: &#3232;_&#3232; .... Well I don't know, IT'S YOUR JOKE!
(Dad in stitches)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zjrgv/reverse_knock_knock_joke/
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Where does a 19th century Russian imperialist get his coffee?

Tsarbucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zjq8w/where_does_a_19th_century_russian_imperialist_get/
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Standing at the bar at an International Airport

when this small Chinese guy walks in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the f*** you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zjny1/standing_at_the_bar_at_an_international_airport/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Cause I put on the wrong sock this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zjky4/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
The Blonde Waitress

Customer: Can I have some coffee without cream please?
Blonde Waitress: We are fresh out of cream, sir. Can I bring you coffee without milk instead?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zjfnx/the_blonde_waitress/
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Can february march?

No, but april may.
~~ sorry, I just love bad jokes~~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zjcki/can_february_march/
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The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech

and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Obama. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Obama says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Obama laughs and leans toward the Saudi. "It's because it takes place in the future..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zj9o2/the_saudi_ambassador_to_the_un_has_just_finished/
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A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout.

The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
The Indian replies "ear sticky".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zj76k/a_soldier_was_given_the_job_of_hunting_for/
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What is 12 inches long, rock hard and full of semen?

The sock under my bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zj3xf/what_is_12_inches_long_rock_hard_and_full_of_semen/
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What does a clock do when it's hungry?

Goes back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zj374/what_does_a_clock_do_when_its_hungry/
%
Morals and ethics

Little Mick came home from school one day quite perplexed. 'Dad, the teacher was telling us about morals and ethics today and I still don't understand the difference. What is it?'
'Well son, you know that I am a solicitor so let me explain with an example. Let's say that old Mrs Murphy comes to me and asks me to write out a new will for her. Now she is old and can make the odd mistake. Say instead of a cheque for 100 Euros she makes it out for a 1000.
Morals, son is, do I tell Mrs Murphy.
Ethics is, do I tell my partner?!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zj256/morals_and_ethics/
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I read Sci Fi the same way that I read recipes

I skip to the end and think, "that'll never happen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zj11j/i_read_sci_fi_the_same_way_that_i_read_recipes/
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Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

She didn't have any arms.
Bonus: Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not the little girl...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zizrz/why_did_the_little_girl_fall_off_the_swing/
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How do you circumcise a hillbilly ?

Kick his sister in the jaw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zivis/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
%
Why do they call it PMS?

Because mad cow disease was already taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zits7/why_do_they_call_it_pms/
%
What do you call an unambiguous body of water?

The Specific Ocean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ziijn/what_do_you_call_an_unambiguous_body_of_water/
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When I was at the diner tonight my waitress had a black eye.

When I ordered I ordered real slow because apparently she don't listen so good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zii5g/when_i_was_at_the_diner_tonight_my_waitress_had_a/
%
People used to laugh at me

when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zieoz/people_used_to_laugh_at_me/
%
My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zi7no/my_5_year_olds_painful_twist_on_a_knock_knock_joke/
%
Old lady asked me to check her balance

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zi75j/old_lady_asked_me_to_check_her_balance/
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My friend kept nagging me to donate one of my prepositions to charity.

Eventually, I gave in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zi6cz/my_friend_kept_nagging_me_to_donate_one_of_my/
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What happens if you drop a blue marble in the Red Sea?

It sinks.
(Courtesy of my 9 year old daughter)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zi5n8/what_happens_if_you_drop_a_blue_marble_in_the_red/
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What's Caitlyn Jenner's favorite comic book?

X-Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zi1ji/whats_caitlyn_jenners_favorite_comic_book/
%
Flying a kite

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zht73/flying_a_kite/
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What do Pizza Delivery guys and Gynecologists have in common?

They can both smell it, but can't eat it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zhm8a/what_do_pizza_delivery_guys_and_gynecologists/
%
When do we need airplane noises?

NEEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zhiw9/when_do_we_need_airplane_noises/
%
What's 6 inches long and 2 inches wide and drives women wild ?

A 100$ bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zhie1/whats_6_inches_long_and_2_inches_wide_and_drives/
%
Why are the police so corrupt?

Because criminals keep turning themselves into the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zhibl/why_are_the_police_so_corrupt/
%
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zhfo9/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_a_dead/
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zh9at/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
Did you hear about the American Indian who died from drinking too much tea?

He drowned in his own tepee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zh834/did_you_hear_about_the_american_indian_who_died/
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Three Daughters

One day a girl comes up to her mom and asks her, "Mother, why did you name me Rose?"
"Because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."
Her second daughter comes up to her and asks, "Mother, why did you name me Daisy?"
"Because when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The third daughter comes up to her and asks, "GHLSARGHLARGHLARG."
"What did you say Brick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zh4aw/three_daughters/
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Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zh3sj/q_what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
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Wisdom of the Ancients

Two girls Have reached the ripe age of 18 in the small Russian Jewish town, but there's no groom in sight. The town's rabbi sends a letter to nearest Yeshiva to send proper grooms. Yossl and Yitzi are picked for the task and are sent on a train, to meet the prospective brides. Halfway there, Yitzi turns to Yossl and says, "Forget about this whole marriage thing. I just don't like the idea". So he gets off at the next stop and makes his way back home.
Meanwhile, Yossl carries on and is met at his final destination by the mothers of the two prospective brides. When the mothers realize what has happened, they instantly grab him and begin to fight over whose daughter should wed this precious little boychik. "He's mine!" cries one. "Not on your life," cries the other, "He will marry my daughter!". After bickering for a while, the two mothers decide to go the rabbi and ask him to resolve the situation. In the grand tradition of the ancients, the rabbi replies, "Well, there is only one solution to this problem. Cut the boy in half, and you each take half home with you."
At this, the first mother says "Yes, cut him in half!", but the second mother refuses - "Don't hurt him!". The rabbi combs his beard, ponders the situation and says to the first mother, "You, who wanted to cut him in half, YOU are the real mother-in-law".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zh3k3/wisdom_of_the_ancients/
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Irish Pub

An Irish man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender comes around are starts telling everyone the bar is closing, so the Irish man gets up and falls straight on the floor. He lifts himself back up on the chair and asks the bartender for a glass of water. He takes a few sips and tries to sober up, and once again goes to stand and falls over.
He decides he needs some fresh air, so he crawls outside and takes a few deep breathes. He tries to stand up but once again falls on the ground.
He decides fuck this, I'm crawling home.
The next morning while he is asleep, his wife kicks open the door and starts yelling ' You been out drinking again?'
'What the bloody hell you talking about' he says
'The pub called, you left your wheelchair down there again!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zh3ej/irish_pub/
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When people put punchlines in the title.

You know what I hate most about /r/Jokes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zgxp6/when_people_put_punchlines_in_the_title/
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A man travels to an island...

A person travelling remarks on how healthy the locals look, and an attractive man says, "Yes, it's the island. When I first arrived I was bald, didn't have teeth, and couldn't walk -- but now look at me."
The traveler: "Wow... That's amazing. So where are you from?"
"I was born here"
Credit to /u/TheNightWind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zgnvr/a_man_travels_to_an_island/
%
Why are piggy banks actually pigs?

To keep Jews away from your money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zglnf/why_are_piggy_banks_actually_pigs/
%
I don't go to Applebee's often

I know how to microwave my own meals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zgi34/i_dont_go_to_applebees_often/
%
LPT: Play the Game of Thrones theme tune before you have sex if there is a risk of being overheard.

Got me and my SO through the recent family stay overs during the festive season.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zggk5/lpt_play_the_game_of_thrones_theme_tune_before/
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A person who knows two languages is called bilingual. Three or more languages; multilingual. What do you call someone who knows one?

American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zg33n/a_person_who_knows_two_languages_is_called/
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in London.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a 'New Wives' store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like football
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zfy05/a_store_that_sells_new_husbands_has_opened_in/
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NSFW A young native american boy asks his mother...

He says to her, "Mother, how did you choose my name?"
His mother sits him down and explains,
"Well son, it is tradition of our people to name the baby after the first sight in nature we see after opening the teepee on the morning of your birth."
She continues, "This is why your eldest brother is named Soaring Sparrow, and your sister is called Blooming Flower."
"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zfu6s/nsfw_a_young_native_american_boy_asks_his_mother/
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A woman wakes up to find her husband weeping uncontrollably in bed.

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zftty/a_woman_wakes_up_to_find_her_husband_weeping/
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Two terrorists are having a discussion in a bar ...

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?
* **Terrorist:** : We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey
* **Waiter** : Why a donkey?
Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zftid/two_terrorists_are_having_a_discussion_in_a_bar/
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An emperor is on his death be and is seeking somebody worthy to take his place...

He arranges for men who think they are worthy to come before him and demonstrate why they believe they can take his place.
The first guy comes in.  The emperor asks him "What makes you believe you are worthy to become emperor?"
Without a word the guy opens a small box and a bumble bee flies out.  Without looking at the bee, the man quickly draws his sword and swings at the bee in one swift motion.  The bee falls to the floor in 2 perfect halves.
"Impressive."  Says the emperor.  "I will keep you in mind."
The second man comes in.  The emperor asks him "What makes you believe you are worthy to become emperor?"
Without a word, the man opens a small box and a fly flies out.  Without looking at the fly, the man quickly draws his sword and swings at the fly in one swift motion.  The fly falls to the floor in 2 perfect halves.
"Very impressive!" Says the emperor.  "I will consider you greatly."
The third man comes in.  The emperor asks him "What makes you believe you are worthy to become emperor?"
Without a word, the man opens a small box and a gnat flies out.  Without looking at the gnat, the man quickly draws his sword and swings at the gnat in one swift motion.  The gnat continues flying about as if nothing happened.
The emperor mockingly says "The gnat is still alive."
The man replies "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zfi45/an_emperor_is_on_his_death_be_and_is_seeking/
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A boy goes to the circus

and one of the sideshows is a tent that says "Man Who Remembers Everything." Intrigued, the boy goes inside and sees an old Native American man sitting on the ground. He approaches the man and asks, "If you remember everything, what did you have for breakfast exactly three weeks ago?"
Without hesitation, the man responds, "Eggs." The boy is sufficiently impressed and leaves to enjoy the rest of the circus.
Many years later, the boy has grown up, gotten married, and had children. One day he takes his family to the circus and is shocked to see the Man Who Remembers Everything is still there. He brings his family into the tent, and there is the same old man sitting on the ground.
Excited to see the old man again, he walks up and greets him, "How!"
The old man looks into his eyes and replies, "Scrambled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zffud/a_boy_goes_to_the_circus/
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D&D Jokes

Some jokes I've picked up for my Jester character:
* A human, a half orc, and an elf walk into a bar. The dwarf walks under it.
* Two gnolls are sitting in the woods eating lunch. One says "Man, i hate my wife" and the other one says "Then just eat the salad".
* What do you call a ranger without an animal companion? A virgin.
* What do you call 1 gnome at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call 10 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call 1000 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call EVERY SINGLE GNOME IN THE UNIVERSE at the bottom of the ocean? problem solved.
* What did the courier say when asked what his favorite armor type is? "I'm a mail man"
* How many Paladins does it take to light a candle? Two, one to light the wick, and another to "uphold the light".
* Why are monks the best lovers? Flurry of Blows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zffq1/dd_jokes/
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I just read a Facebook ad that said "Come in a designer, leave a CEO."

Not sure why they're offering dating advice, but okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zfb45/i_just_read_a_facebook_ad_that_said_come_in_a/
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Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).
Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.
GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zfa7a/funniest_thing_my_gf_has_ever_said/
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Q: Why was Heisenberg such a bad lover?

A: When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position, and when he found the position, he couldn't muster up the momentum.
**X-post : /r/ScienceHumour**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zf3ld/q_why_was_heisenberg_such_a_bad_lover/
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Why did Jon Snow wait in line at the Apple store ?

For the watch .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zf337/why_did_jon_snow_wait_in_line_at_the_apple_store/
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Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.
Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.
They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.
“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I've come for some courage.”
”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”
Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.”
”Done,” says the Wizard.
“Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”
Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.”
”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”
There is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?”
”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zf2dq/four_former_us_presidents/
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What is a radical Muslim's favorite prank?

Photobombing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zf1yv/what_is_a_radical_muslims_favorite_prank/
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Make me happy and sad

A husband and wife sat in bed reading. The husband stops for a moment before turning to his wife,
"I tell you, I bet you can't make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife looks at him confused and so he repeats,
"I bet you can't make me happy and sad at the same time."
She looks back down to her book before replying,
"You have the biggest dick out of you and your friends"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zf0nm/make_me_happy_and_sad/
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How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zexsk/how_do_you_know_you_have_a_high_sperm_count/
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What is a Jawa's favorite drink?

Martini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zewt5/what_is_a_jawas_favorite_drink/
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How many women have you slept with

wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zerkj/how_many_women_have_you_slept_with/
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Whats the difference between light and hard

You can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zeqbq/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
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So a teacher was lecturing his student...

Teacher: Billy! You have failed your tests again, When Lincoln was your age he was the top student in his class!
Billy: Yeah, but when he was your age he was President of the US already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zepod/so_a_teacher_was_lecturing_his_student/
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Who handles font related crimes?

A sans sheriff!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zeofm/who_handles_font_related_crimes/
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How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a camel toe, a bunch of hares and a fish no one can find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zej64/how_many_animals_can_you_fit_into_a_pair_of/
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Some day I have a victim mentality

But it's not my fault

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zegna/some_day_i_have_a_victim_mentality/
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Dumb Drunk!!!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!"
So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.
Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"
He runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways, but then thinks, "I don't have a dad," so he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey. Then another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!"
So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank, but then he thinks, "My name's not Bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zecg8/dumb_drunk/
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A wealthy man dies....

A wealthy man dies and in his will he asked his 3 best friends to hold 10,000 dollars. At his funeral they are supposed to throw the 30k into his coffin before they bury him. At the grave side the three men stand there and each throws in an envelope. Afterwards, they were drinking and the first man starts talking.
"Guys, I'm not going to lie. I just threw in an empty envelope. I have a family and that money would do us a lot of good. I couldn't pass up the opportunity."
Man number 2 chimes in.
"I know the feeling man, I have student loan debt. This will give me a chance to get my degree."
The third guy looks at the other two with disgust.
"You boys should be ashamed of yourself. I can't believe you just tossed in empty envelopes. At least I had the courtesy to cut him a check."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ze763/a_wealthy_man_dies/
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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ze61o/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_basketball_court/
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Girl, are you an unicorn?

Because I wish you were real...
...Damn I am lonely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zdyjn/girl_are_you_an_unicorn/
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zdx0t/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
I smell a map.
I smell a map who?
Gross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zdtl8/knock_knock/
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A man visits a village

and approaches the town clerk "Have any great men been born in your joke of a town?"
And the clerk responded "well no you foolish man. Only babies have been born in my town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zdt61/a_man_visits_a_village/
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What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?

Comet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zdsz7/whats_a_dinosaurs_least_favorite_reindeer/
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How is a Bill Cosby better than Ronda Rousey?

He's never met a woman he hasn't knocked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zdioj/how_is_a_bill_cosby_better_than_ronda_rousey/
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How do attractive men pay for things?

They handsome money to the cashier

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zdguj/how_do_attractive_men_pay_for_things/
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If I had a dollar for every time I read "OP is a racist"

I'd still be broke. Because I am black and can't read

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zdgu4/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_read_op_is_a/
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I was going to write a book about my knowledge of tea..

But i decided against it since it would only be a Novel Tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zdfc8/i_was_going_to_write_a_book_about_my_knowledge_of/
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Engineers

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, some idiots used a glass that's twice as big than necessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zdes2/engineers/
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A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend [NSFW]

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend, and they're thinking about getting it on. As they're getting ready, the girlfriend asks the man how many sexual partners he's had.
He begins to count, and soon he falls asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zd7dh/a_welsh_man_is_in_bed_with_his_girlfriend_nsfw/
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Best part of banging a milf

What's the best part of having sex with a milf?
Leaving with a juice box and bagged lunch in the morning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zd4n8/best_part_of_banging_a_milf/
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An Aussie, an Irishman and an Englishmen were sitting in a bar...

There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself,sitting alone at a table. The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over,raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, do ya?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of VB for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus le! aves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove", he exclaims," The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face. As Jesus reaches out to take his hand. The Australian screams . . .
"FUCK OFF MATE DON'T TOUCH ME!"
I'm on workers comp."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zd3k2/an_aussie_an_irishman_and_an_englishmen_were/
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How do terrorists like their apple pie?

Allah mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zcxlm/how_do_terrorists_like_their_apple_pie/
%
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle...

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why???
Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zcs64/there_once_was_a_native_american_who_had_only_one/
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I'm allergic to sharks..

..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zcs5p/im_allergic_to_sharks/
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I have a fear of two-letter words

I get scared just thinking about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zcnzu/i_have_a_fear_of_twoletter_words/
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A man is about to have surgery...

The surgeon says : Don't worry I've done this operation hundreds of times.
The man responds: That's sounds reassuring.
The surgeon then says: Yeah, I have to succeed someday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zcg8a/a_man_is_about_to_have_surgery/
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Two pedophiles in the park

Two pedophiles sitting on a bench in the park, a 13 year old girl walks by. Says one to the other "Hey, she really has let herself go over the years, hasn't she?"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zcfep/two_pedophiles_in_the_park/
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zceca/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
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What did the Nihilist whisper into his lover's ear?

Sweet Nothings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zccsz/what_did_the_nihilist_whisper_into_his_lovers_ear/
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Old man and the IRS

Grandpa gets an audit letter in the mail and shows up to his appointment at the IRS building with his lawyer. They enter the room, sit down, and the IRS agent starts to question them.
>IRS Agent: **"Well, sir, we think it is a little odd that you have no official income, but are able to afford such a lavish lifestyle, and you claim it is all from Gambling? You say you made $300,000 last year from gambling alone?"**
>Grandpa: **"Yes. I am very good at it. Would you like a demonstration? I will bet you $1,500 that I can bite my own eye."**
The IRS agent stares at him for a minute, quite confused, and takes the bet. Before he can retract his words, Grandpa pops out his glass eye and proceeds to bite it. The IRS agent is stunned, and just lost a grand.
>Grandpa: **"You didn't think I could do it did you? Tell you what, double or nothing, I can bite my other eye."**
The IRS agent studies Grandpa for a minute and thinks to himself that there is no way this guy has two glass eyes, and takes the bet. Grandpa pulls out his dentures and uses them to bite his other eye. The IRS agent's mount drops. He is out $3000 now fair and square, with this man's lawyer here as proof, and starting to get worried.
>Grandpa (laughs): **"You look worried, son. I will do one more bet, double or nothing. I am going to stand here and pee into that waste can behind you and not spill a single drop anywhere else."**
The IRS agent looks at the man, turns around and looks at the waste can. It is about 6 feet behind him. This old man will have to pee about 8-9 feet and not spill a single drop. The IRS agent is worried, but he thinks he can win this bet.
>IRS Agent: **"You're on!"**
Grandpa stands up and unzips. He struggles mightily and lets a weak stream go. It doesn't get anywhere near the trash can. In fact, it just splashes all over the IRS agents desk and runs onto the floor. The IRS agent starts jumping up and down with a huge smile on his face.
>IRS Agent: **"HAHA! YES! You didn't even get close!"**
The lawyer puts his head in his hands at this point, shaking it slowly, clearly upset about the incident. The IRS agent looks over at him and asks what is wrong.
>Lawyer: **"Just before we came in here, Grandpa bet me $25,000 that he could piss on your desk today and you would be happy about it."**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zcck2/old_man_and_the_irs/
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They say of rich Arab oil families that the first generation rides in limosines, the second generation drives SUVs, and the third is poor again.

Well that's what happens when you don't keep any Jews around to manage your money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zcazz/they_say_of_rich_arab_oil_families_that_the_first/
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Imagine Iron Man having an iron deficiency

That would be ironic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zc5bb/imagine_iron_man_having_an_iron_deficiency/
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Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it's two gross.
source: someone told me this joke, it's not my joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zc2cm/why_should_you_never_mention_the_number_288/
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What was Rudolph's nickname?

Names. Because they used to laugh and call him Names.
Credit to my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zc0vf/what_was_rudolphs_nickname/
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Irish Nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says:
"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts:
"Screw off, ya freakin little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks: "Was that cross enough?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zbze2/irish_nuns/
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Saying the right thing, at the right time

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zbx1y/saying_the_right_thing_at_the_right_time/
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What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zbutn/whats_black_and_screams/
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Girlfriend didn't want to give me any.

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet.
I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zbsjo/girlfriend_didnt_want_to_give_me_any/
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I recently received my PhD in palindromes.

I now go by Dr. Awkward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zboek/i_recently_received_my_phd_in_palindromes/
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Sex without light

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device … a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I’ll explain the toy … you explain the kids.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zbnfi/sex_without_light/
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While at the mall with my infant son, I was glad to see the men's room had a baby changing station...

…so I took the kid right in there and strapped him into it.
Imagine my disappointment when we left the restroom and he was still the same foul-tempered, demanding and inarticulate little brat I walked in there with.
[Edited for clarity]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zbn9a/while_at_the_mall_with_my_infant_son_i_was_glad/
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CATHOLIC COFFEE BREAK

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, and everyone calls him '*Father*'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.  When he walks into a room people call him '*Your Grace*'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone says '*Your Eminence*'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope.  When he walks into a room people call him '*Your Holiness*'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zbkwx/catholic_coffee_break/
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Little april in Sunday school!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zbihd/little_april_in_sunday_school/
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Man faints in Elevator

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and see's this HUGE Black guy standing next to him. The big guy see's the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says,"What EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude says: " I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...? I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.
The small guy says: Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, i thought you said, "Turn around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zbgtz/man_faints_in_elevator/
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How did I escape Iraq?

Iran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zbgai/how_did_i_escape_iraq/
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A man has a car accident...

A man is talking with a policeman after he had a collision with a tree.
'Could you please tell me what exactly happened, sir?' asks the policeman.
'You see,' says the man, 'there was this squirrel that suddenly popped out of nowhere to cross the street.'
'But if it is truly necessary, can't you just run over the squirrel?'
'I know, but then the squirrel hid behind a tree.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zbfyb/a_man_has_a_car_accident/
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A Plane Full of Americans, French and Cubans Crashes on an Island Full of Cannibals (Cuban Joke)

The cannibals quickly round everyone up and separate them by nationality.
First, they call forward the French. One of the Frenchmen tries to convince the cannibals that instead of cooking them they should try some delicious French cuisine instead. The cannibals let the French prepare a feast then surprise, kill, and eat them as part of the meal.
Next, the Americans. They try to convince the cannibals to not eat them because the US will utterly destroy the island in vengeance for harm to its citizens. The cannibals smile and respond 'they won't hurt us if they don't know you survived to begin with' and eat them.
Finally, the Cubans. As Cubans living in Cuba often travel abroad only in delegations (to make sure people don't try to run off), they send as their representative the *jefe de delegación* (delegación chief).
Before being eaten, he demands a personal audience with the chief of the cannibals. The cannibals humor him and grant the audience.
The Cuban says "Let me start off by asking a few questions. First, do you have a CWC? Organization of Cannibal Women Communists?"
"No," responds the chief, perplexed.
"What about a CCY? Communist Cannibal Youth organization?"
"No."
"Well then, you must have a CCP. A Cannibal Communist Party."
"No," the chief repeats.
"Well then, I gotta ask, why are you guys all starving?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zbf97/a_plane_full_of_americans_french_and_cubans/
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What do you call a belt made of clocks?

A waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zb8fx/what_do_you_call_a_belt_made_of_clocks/
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Cuttin the grass

A young man is walking past a general store and sees a "help wanted" sign. He goes in and applies for the job. As the shop owner has not had much luck finding a suitable employee he decides to give the young man a shot.
A customer walks in and the shop owner says watch me and do what i do. He says to the customer how can i help you? The customer was at the store buying grass seeds. The shop owner tells the customer hey why not buy a lawnmower too. Once the grass grows you will need to cut it.
Seeing this the young man says "i want to help the next customer". As the next customer comes in he buys a box of tampons. The young man looks at him and says "hey why dont you buy a lawnmower?". Confused, the customer and shop owner both look at the young man and ask why he would need a lawn mower. The young man replies, "well your weekend is fucked you may as well mow the lawn"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zb7ms/cuttin_the_grass/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An Impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zb59b/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
How do you know its noon on an Apple Watch?

The screen stays black when you check the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zb1mp/how_do_you_know_its_noon_on_an_apple_watch/
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A man visits spain...

On a vacation in Spain, a guy goes to a bullfight. After a long fight, the bull finally collapses and the matador is victorious. Afterwards he's looking for somewhere to eat and he comes across a restaurant near the bullring. He goes in and takes a seat. He can't understand anything on the menu, so he just orders the special of the day. The waiter brings out a bowl of broth in which float two large balls.
"What are these?" asks the guy. The waiter explains it's the balls of the bull that was killed in ring that day. The guy's adventurous, so he takes a bite, decides it's delicious and finishes it off.
The next day he's sightseeing but he can't resist going back to the restaurant and ordering "Bullfight Especial". The waiter brings out a bowl, but this time the balls are much smaller. He eats them anyway, finds them delicious but asks the waiter:
"Why were these balls so much smaller than they were yesterday?"
"Well, señor, sometimes the bull loses, and sometimes he wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zb1f9/a_man_visits_spain/
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Which country has the loosest regulations on incest?

Oh shit, this isn't Google.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zasjb/which_country_has_the_loosest_regulations_on/
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George Bush and his son like to refer to each other as "41" and "43."

I don't know why they'd be so proud of IQ's that low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zapob/george_bush_and_his_son_like_to_refer_to_each/
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What language do bill boards use?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zaknk/what_language_do_bill_boards_use/
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I'm trying to think of a good joke about star wars

But they all seem too forced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zaj93/im_trying_to_think_of_a_good_joke_about_star_wars/
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How does a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass?

Attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zahx7/how_does_a_welshman_find_a_sheep_in_tall_grass/
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Funeral wishes

Three buddies die in a car crash and go to heaven for the orientation. They're all asked, "When you're in your casket being mourned, what would you like to hear your friends and family say about you?"
The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher who made a big difference in America's future leaders."
The last guy replied, "I'd like to hear them say — Look, *he's moving!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zabwa/funeral_wishes/
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A marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment

. The train was quite crowded, and the marine walked the entire length of the car to find a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to nobody in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The marine walked the entire length of the train again, but the only seat he found was underneath the dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I am very tired," he asked again.
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, but you are also arrogant!"
This time the marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3za8hm/a_marine_boarded_a_train_on_his_way_home_from/
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What did the child with no arms get for Christmas?

Gloves.
Just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3za60u/what_did_the_child_with_no_arms_get_for_christmas/
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How do you keep an idiot with RES busy?

loading...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3za4hd/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_with_res_busy/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3za3pb/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Joke from Spain (forgive my English)

There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child.
"I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!" Says the wife.
"That's not true, you're not the mother!" Replies the husband.
"Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?" Says the wife.
"No, I actually don't know who the real parents are," replies the husband.
The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that.
"Well," he replies, "when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest."
"And?" She asks.
"And I did!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3za0ts/joke_from_spain_forgive_my_english/
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What did water say when ice farted?

Ice melt it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9x4x/what_did_water_say_when_ice_farted/
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How does the moon cut his hair?

'Eclipse it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9wud/how_does_the_moon_cut_his_hair/
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Visiting grandma (nsfw)

Mommy, mommy, I don't want to visit grandma today!
"Shut up and keep digging, boy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9sbt/visiting_grandma_nsfw/
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A joke from my old physics professor..

How Long is a battleship. True or false?
False. How Long is a man from China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9r99/a_joke_from_my_old_physics_professor/
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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9r94/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_criminal_going_down/
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God visits a preacher.

The preacher has one question, "What is Heaven like?"
God replies, "Heaven is like a city. It has the best of everything. For example, the French are the chefs, the Italians are the lovers, the English are the policeman, the Germans are the mechanics, and the Dutch are the politicians."
"What is Hell like?" he asks.
"Well," he sighs, "the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the politicians, the English are the chefs, the Germans are the policemen, and the Dutch are the lovers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9qu8/god_visits_a_preacher/
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Dad joke for my birthday

I just opened my birthday card from my Dad...
"How time has flown, it only seems like 12 months since your last birthday"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9plo/dad_joke_for_my_birthday/
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A doctor had sex...

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick sex fiend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9on7/a_doctor_had_sex/
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Is BB hungry?

No, BB-8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9nwg/is_bb_hungry/
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3 Drunk Guys

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9m9r/3_drunk_guys/
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Why was the piggy bank invented?

To keep the jews away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9l24/why_was_the_piggy_bank_invented/
%
What lights up a football pitch at night?

A football match.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9kas/what_lights_up_a_football_pitch_at_night/
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Why did god invent the yeast infection?

So women would know what it's like living with an irritating cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9k9i/why_did_god_invent_the_yeast_infection/
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Why did the snowman smile?

Because the snowblower is coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9iw9/why_did_the_snowman_smile/
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Raging Gamers

A recent survey conducted asked about a thousand 13-year old gamers what they had done last week.
92% said "your mum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9gzx/raging_gamers/
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Why are black people so good at sports?

Hard work and dedication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z9a9m/why_are_black_people_so_good_at_sports/
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Why can't Rabbit tell Winnie the Pooh to stop eating honey on Tumblr?

Because he may get Tiggered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z99gf/why_cant_rabbit_tell_winnie_the_pooh_to_stop/
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A policeman searched me last night...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z93gn/a_policeman_searched_me_last_night/
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A married couple are out one night at a dance club.

There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z912m/a_married_couple_are_out_one_night_at_a_dance_club/
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How to takeover a friend's wife?

* Jack and Mag were friends. One day Jack revealed to Mag that he has friendship with Priest's wife and they have spent good time on alternative Sundays in past few weeks.
* After taking into full confidence Jack told Mag that coming Sunday he has another date with Priest's wife and He will be grateful if after prayers Mag keep the Priest busy in the Church and make him late for home. Mag felt happy for his friend that finally he is into something so He agreed.
* On the next Sunday, Mag went to the Church and after prayers he kept talking with Priest and tried to keep him busy. But being new into the situation he got confused and couldn't focus on the conversation. He was discussing useless topics which the Priest observed soon and asked Mag furiously, "Why are you wasting my time?"
* Mag was already confused and with this much little pressure he revealed the whole secret of Jack... * Priest listed to him, watched him into eyes and started laughing.
* Mag was surprised and asked him why he is laughing?
* Priest replied, "Son my wife has died four years ago, You must go and check what your wife is upto..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z90qs/how_to_takeover_a_friends_wife/
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Islam is not too popular these days.

So Muslims decided to hire the Mulla Nasreddin ad agency. The agency worked day and night. But due to strict new laws on false advertizing, regulators rejected most of their proposals. Finally after much thought the agency came up with the following slogans.
Islam, 2/3 less wrong than Christianity
Islam, Not horrible (big letters)
by medieval standards (fine print)
Islam, once you convert, guaranteed to last a lifetime
plus or minus 3 days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z8z4p/islam_is_not_too_popular_these_days/
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A girl compliments a guy on his new phone.

Girl: 'Nice phone!'
Guy: ' Thanks! I won it in a race.'
Girl: ' Who were the participants?'
Guy: ' The owner, the cop and me. '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z8tc0/a_girl_compliments_a_guy_on_his_new_phone/
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Three men go to a bar..

A man walks into a bar and has had a long day. "Give me a Jack and Coke." he says. The bartender reaches under the table and pulls out an apple.  "What the hell is this?" The man says. "Just give it a try." says the bartender. The man takes a bite out of the apple and is dumbfounded. "Wow! this tastes just like Jack Daniels!" Bartender says "Yeah, now turn it around." The man turns the apple around and takes a bite. "Wow! this tastes just like coke!" Another man walks in the bar and asks the bartender  for tequila and cranberry. The bartender reaches under the table and pulls out an apple. "What the hell is this apple for?" says the man. "Just try it, you'll be amazed." Says the other man. He takes a bite and is struck with amazement. "Holy hell, this tastes exactly like tequila!" The other man says "Now turn it around!" the man turns the apple around and takes another bite. "Amazing.. This tastes just like cranberry!" A third man walks in the bar and the sees the apples on the table. The first man tells the third man that anything he wants, the bartender will pull out an apple that will taste just like it. So the third man thinks for a second... "You know what bartender, give me an apple that tastes like pussy." Bartender reaches under the table and pulls out an apple. The man looks at it with skepticism, then bites into the apple. "Man this tastes like shit!!" Bartender says "No, TURN IT AROUND"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z8rm2/three_men_go_to_a_bar/
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My body is a temple.

What I mean by that is, it looks and feels like something the Romans destroyed 2,500 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z8qqc/my_body_is_a_temple/
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How much does it cost for a pirate to get an ear piercing?

A buccaneer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z8gza/how_much_does_it_cost_for_a_pirate_to_get_an_ear/
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What's the difference between Caitlyn Jenner and a 6 year old pretending to be a T-Rex?

The 6 year old never killed anyone with a car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z8gco/whats_the_difference_between_caitlyn_jenner_and_a/
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3 cowboys get captured by a group of indians...

They take them back to their camp. The chief says to them
"We are going to to scalp you and use your skin for a canoe. However, before you die we will grant you one wish as long as its not a weapon and not an escape"
The first cowboy thinks a moment before responding
"I would like to write a letter to my wife"
The indians give him pen and paper and he writes his letter.
The second cowboy says
"Im still a virgin, allow me to sleep with one of your women"
The indians allow him to sleep with one of the widows of the village.
The third cowboy smiles a little and says
"I would like a fork"
The indians are confused by this but decide that it was ok. They hand the cowboy the fork and he grabs it and immediately starts stabbing himself and shouts
"MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU BASTARDS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z8dqm/3_cowboys_get_captured_by_a_group_of_indians/
%
I've bought up all the Scrabble games I can get my hands on.

I heard there's a lot of money in text tiles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z8d0m/ive_bought_up_all_the_scrabble_games_i_can_get_my/
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Why was the policeman in bed?

Because he was an undercover cop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z8cge/why_was_the_policeman_in_bed/
%
Bill Cosby's business card...

Sorry I missed you, I was in while you were out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z8abw/bill_cosbys_business_card/
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What do you get if you cross a highway with a fridge?

Killed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z87tu/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_highway_with_a/
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What do you call a green onion that can bust a rhyme?

A rapscallion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z7zz4/what_do_you_call_a_green_onion_that_can_bust_a/
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What did one gay sperm say to the other?

How do we find the egg in all this shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z7xks/what_did_one_gay_sperm_say_to_the_other/
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I recently learned my friend likes to be dominated by his girlfriend in bed.

I wouldn't have pegged him for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z7vno/i_recently_learned_my_friend_likes_to_be/
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I once lost my watch at a party...

I saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, and punched him in the nose. No one does that to a girl... Not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z7uyk/i_once_lost_my_watch_at_a_party/
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My pet mouse Elvis died today

He got caught in a trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z7p9s/my_pet_mouse_elvis_died_today/
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3 men and 1 genie are stranded on an island

3 men are stranded on an island. they meet a genie who tells them that he will send them back home if they can complete two simple tasks, but if they fail he will kill them. the first task is to go find a fruit.
all men leave and after a while the first men appears with a cherry. the genie tells him that he will get home if he can shove the cherry up his ass without laughing or giggling. as he do, the cherry tickles him and he starts giggling so the genie cuts off his head.
now the second men arrives with a peach. the genie tells him the same as he told the first men. as he slowly pushes the peach up hiss asshole, he starts laughing so the genie cuts off his head.
the two men meet eachother in heaven and the second men asks the first men: "why did you laugh?"
he replies: "the cherry tickled my asshole, why did you laugh?"
"Just before the peach was all the way in, i saw the third men coming with a watermelon around the corner"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z7nhk/3_men_and_1_genie_are_stranded_on_an_island/
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What part of the vegetable can you not put in a mixer?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z7ly5/what_part_of_the_vegetable_can_you_not_put_in_a/
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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*
Dad: *Clenches fist*
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: *Sweats Profusely*
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z7ia9/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
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My wife said that I'm a lousy lover...

How can she know that after only two minutes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z7h4x/my_wife_said_that_im_a_lousy_lover/
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A Boy is taking his Girlfriend to Prom...

His mom suggests he rent a limo.  He goes to the limousine agency, but there's a long limo line.  Finally, after waiting patiently, he gets the limo.
His dad tells him he should get a tux.  He goes to the tailor to rent a tuxedo, but there is a long tuxedo line.  Finally, after waiting patiently, he gets the tuxedo.
His sister tells him to get a nice corsage.  He goes to the florist to buy a corsage, but there is a long corsage line.  Finally, after waiting patiently, he gets the corsage.
The big day arrives, and he and his girlfriend show up for the prom.  When they get inside, she mentions she's thirsty and tells him to get her some punch.  He's pleased to discover that there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z7fjj/a_boy_is_taking_his_girlfriend_to_prom/
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Every single person my age...

...is 43.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z7c0s/every_single_person_my_age/
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A man walks into a bar with his dog . . .

. . . and the bartender says "You can't bring a dog in here!"
The man says "It's my seeing eye dog". The bartender apologizes profusely and gives the man his drink on the house.
A second man enters the bar with his dog and the first man calls to him: "Pssst, buddy. You can't bring a dog in here unless you say it's your seeing eye dog". The second man thanks him for the tip, goes to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring a dog in here!"
The man says "It's my seeing eye dog".
The bartender says "I don't think so, they don't give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs".
The man says "WHAT?!  They gave me a Chihuahua?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z7brh/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_dog/
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I just told my wife I am going dry for January

I really can't be bothered with foreplay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z7ai6/i_just_told_my_wife_i_am_going_dry_for_january/
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Chuck Norris joke, cause it's been a while

Chuck Norris pull the pin in a grenade, threw it, killed 50 men, and then the grenade exploded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z74me/chuck_norris_joke_cause_its_been_a_while/
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Why don't witches wear underwear?

... to get a better grip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z72l8/why_dont_witches_wear_underwear/
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A young man was walking along the roadside one day...

A young man was walking along the roadside one day trying to think of a birthday present for his girlfriend.  He knew she liked flowers and just then he noticed a field of buttercups, which happened to be her favorite.  So he started picking the buttercups, got a little carried away and picked the whole field clean.
That upset Mother Nature so she arrived at the scene and said, "Young man, you shouldn't have picked that whole field of buttercups, I'm going to have to punish you!  You're going to have to go a whole year without eating butter, what do you have to say for yourself?"
The young man thought a moment and replied, "Thank God I wasn't picking pussy willows!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z6wyr/a_young_man_was_walking_along_the_roadside_one_day/
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My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover

Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z6vcf/my_girlfriend_told_me_im_her_32nd_lover/
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Simple Truths

Simple Truth 1:
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed!
Simple Truth 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying, "Congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z6tgs/simple_truths/
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The Horny Husband

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I cant believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z6qam/the_horny_husband/
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How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride a bike?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z6kf1/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A genie gives a man three wishes...

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z6g0k/a_genie_gives_a_man_three_wishes/
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Why can't your hand be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z6fph/why_cant_your_hand_be_12_inches_long/
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I was with my friend on a new bicycle

Bob: Nice bicycle man. Is it new? Where'd you get it?
Me: Dude, the weirdest thing. I was just walking down the street and this very attractive woman on a bike stopped in front of me, dropped the bike, stripped naked and said: "Take whatever you want big boy"
Bob: Good call. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z6d7r/i_was_with_my_friend_on_a_new_bicycle/
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because he wasn't born yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z68vx/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_baby/
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Boy and school teacher

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z68tm/boy_and_school_teacher/
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What if Stephen Hawking was the real slim shady...

But we didn't know because he couldn't stand up?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z681d/what_if_stephen_hawking_was_the_real_slim_shady/
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I made a popular girl laugh today...

by asking her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z67ub/i_made_a_popular_girl_laugh_today/
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I promise you that there are three types of people in this world.

Those who keep their promises, and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z63i2/i_promise_you_that_there_are_three_types_of/
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"Look Momma, I'm a white boy."

A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy, go show your Daddy." The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy." His Daddy slaps him on the face, too and says, "Boy, go show your grandmother." So the boy goes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny, I'm a white boy." She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says "Well, did you learn something from all this?" The boy shakes his head and says "I sure did, I've only been white for five minutes and I already hate you people".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z62hc/look_momma_im_a_white_boy/
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Not all astrophysicists are bad.

I'm sure at least one of them's a really Feynman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z5za0/not_all_astrophysicists_are_bad/
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My girlfriend asked if I would spend a month away from her for 5000 dollars.

It's tempting, but I don't think I can afford it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z5urc/my_girlfriend_asked_if_i_would_spend_a_month_away/
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Why was the Pedophile's movie rated PG-13?

It only had minor nudity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z5sr5/why_was_the_pedophiles_movie_rated_pg13/
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What did William Shakespeare say regarding atomic orbitals?

"2p or not 2p, that is the question."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z5ery/what_did_william_shakespeare_say_regarding_atomic/
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The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor. 'Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.  He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens.'  Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
'For Pete's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z5e5t/the_deaf_wife_problem/
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Pity the poor porpoises

This guy had a few porpoises in his swimming pool even though he knew it was illegal to have them as pets...
One day, he thought he would add a few sea gulls to have around his pool to add to the ambiance...
So, he ran an ad to find some sea gulls - - someone with a few sea gulls answered that ad...
The guy went to buy the sea gulls, but he was told the sea gulls were only a few days old and were still too young to move... the guy promised he would be very careful with them... he bought them and drive home with the sea gulls in his car...
When he arrived home, he walked to the front door and saw two fully grown lions sleeping right at the front door and blocking the entrance...
The guy wasn't sure what to do, so he decided to unlock and open the door very carefully and quietly so he wouldn't disturb the sleeping lions, and then he stepped over them to enter into his house...
As soon as the guy entered his home, the FBI arrested him..
He was charged with transporting under age gulls across sedate lions for illegal porpoises...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z5dvt/pity_the_poor_porpoises/
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What's the best thing about Sweden?

Well, their flag is a big plus...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z5d7l/whats_the_best_thing_about_sweden/
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Why don't they let blind people sky dive?

It scares the shit out the dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z5ake/why_dont_they_let_blind_people_sky_dive/
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What are Mexican hackers called?

BanDDoS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z5923/what_are_mexican_hackers_called/
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If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.

I'd hate to toot my own horn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z57ac/if_i_were_a_trumpet_player_i_would_constantly/
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Your clothes will never forgive you...

You always hang them out to dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z53f6/your_clothes_will_never_forgive_you/
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I am not an alcoholic

An alcoholic needs a drink, I have a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z5333/i_am_not_an_alcoholic/
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Do cats stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl.
"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....And before he could say ‘fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z510g/do_cats_stutter/
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What does Michigan State football and Marijuana have in common?

They are both green and get smoked in bowls!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z4zp7/what_does_michigan_state_football_and_marijuana/
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"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

"Yes, David, how can we help you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z4yml/hello_is_this_anonymous_nsa_hotline/
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I saw a documentary about how ships are held together

It was riveting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z4vuj/i_saw_a_documentary_about_how_ships_are_held/
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The Hammer

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z4vfw/the_hammer/
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What's black, white, and red all over?

White emo kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z4b4l/whats_black_white_and_red_all_over/
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What do you call a good looking tractor?

Attractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z42mf/what_do_you_call_a_good_looking_tractor/
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How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach?

Well, it's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z41dd/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nude_beach/
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Saul, the Jewish Lottery Winner

So Saul, a 90-year-old Jew, wins the $300 million lottery. He's at the news conference to accept the check, and the reporters ask him if there's anyone he'd like to thank.
"Yes," he says solemnly. "I'd like to thank my brother Eli for lending me the $5 to buy the ticket, and my brother David for driving me to the Circle-K to buy the ticket.
"Lastly, I'd like to thank Adolph Hitler."
The silence was sudden and complete; you could hear a pin drop.
Finally a reporter raises a shaky hand and asks, "D-did you j-just say you w-wanted to thank H-hitler?"
"Yes, of course," Saul replies.
"Whatever for?"
Rolling his sleeve up, Saul points to the inside of his forearm. "For the NUMBERS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z402d/saul_the_jewish_lottery_winner/
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Who was the greatest motherfucker in history?

Oedipus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3yxc/who_was_the_greatest_motherfucker_in_history/
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What has three eyes, three hands, and three legs?

Two pirates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3yox/what_has_three_eyes_three_hands_and_three_legs/
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A man goes to a job interview...

His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed.
"You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?"
"I went to Yale"
"Wow great! You're hired"
"Yay, I got a yob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3utm/a_man_goes_to_a_job_interview/
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What do you call pasta in a poor neighborhood?

Spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3pv7/what_do_you_call_pasta_in_a_poor_neighborhood/
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An Irishman walks out of a bar...

...could happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3ntn/an_irishman_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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I don't understand... My wife keeps telling me to load the dishwasher...

Then she gets mad when I pour her a double...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3m78/i_dont_understand_my_wife_keeps_telling_me_to/
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Who's a gamers favourite Asian

Lo Ping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3ly7/whos_a_gamers_favourite_asian/
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A recent survey asked 12 year old's what was their best accomplishment in 2015.

87 percent of them answered "your mom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3lox/a_recent_survey_asked_12_year_olds_what_was_their/
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The Rooster

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared.
The man somewhat nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.”
“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “the hens are round the back.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3ktz/the_rooster/
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Once I had butt sex with a girl

My ass still hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3jv6/once_i_had_butt_sex_with_a_girl/
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A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber

"What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3j9r/a_man_gets_home_and_sees_his_wife_pleasuring/
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What is the difference between a rooster and a Hooker?

A rooster says "cock-a-doodle-do" and a Hooker says "any cock will do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3fx9/what_is_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_a/
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3fek/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whose_whole_left_side/
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A man sits next to a woman on a plane...

...after take-off they begin to chat, and the man notices that the woman is reading a magazine. Sensing a good conversation piece, he inquires what she is reading about. The woman responds "it's an article about men's penis sizes."
Curious, the man asks, "Is there anything interesting in the article?"
The woman replies "well, did you know that Native American men have the longest penises, and that Jewish men have the thickest penises?"
The man replies "That's very interesting. I did not know that. Forgive me for being rude, I never told you my name: I'm Tonto Schwartz."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3c9o/a_man_sits_next_to_a_woman_on_a_plane/
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If a tree falls in the forest......

If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z3bt0/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_forest/
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What does a hoverboard and a fat girl have in common?

Reddit gets mad when you call them that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2yj9/what_does_a_hoverboard_and_a_fat_girl_have_in/
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What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?

Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2yii/whats_the_difference_between_amy_winehouse_and/
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the light bulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2xza/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What food, when consumed by a female, causes a complete loss of desire?

Wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2xwx/what_food_when_consumed_by_a_female_causes_a/
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Near my house, there lives a cute deaf woman.

I often see her walking her dog when I'm walking mine. I tried to learn sign language for "You're beautiful, and I would like to take you out to dinner." This proved to be a challenge, so I just trained my dog to shag hers and just pointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2xiy/near_my_house_there_lives_a_cute_deaf_woman/
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If Fetty Wap is ever convicted of a crime...

He could change his name to ConFetty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2ww9/if_fetty_wap_is_ever_convicted_of_a_crime/
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What does a Soldier and a Shoulder have in common?

They have access to arms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2wi2/what_does_a_soldier_and_a_shoulder_have_in_common/
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How to make your wife scream from sex.

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.
They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.
The next day they meet.   The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
The third friend says, "That's nothing! I made love to my wife for five minutes, I came once, and then I wiped my dick clean on the curtains and she is still screaming".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2w9e/how_to_make_your_wife_scream_from_sex/
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Why do Stormtroopers never laugh?

Because they always miss the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2vbg/why_do_stormtroopers_never_laugh/
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A married man gets a little drunker than he'd meant to...

A married man is sitting at a bar and gets a little drunker than he'd meant to. He ends up spilling on his shirt, making a huge stain.
"This is terrible," he says to the bartender. "My wife's gonna see this and then she'll know I got way too drunk."
"Not to worry," says the bartender. "Do you have $20 on you?" The guy searches his pockets and finds a $20 bill. "Excellent," says the bartender. "Here's what you do: put that $20 in your shirt pocket. When you get home, explain to your wife that some *other* drunkard spilled beer on your shirt, but he was decent enough to give you money to have it dry cleaned."
"That's brilliant!" says the man. He tips the bartender big and goes home.
When his wife sees him she is predictably annoyed at his stained shirt. The guy takes out the $20 and delivers his explanation perfectly. The wife, relieved, moves in for a hug.
"Wait," she says as she gets close to him, "what's this other $20 in your pocket for?"
"Oh," he says, "that's from the guy who pissed my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2twg/a_married_man_gets_a_little_drunker_than_hed/
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What's the best thing about being black?

Not having to listen to awful dad jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2s4d/whats_the_best_thing_about_being_black/
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The Handsaw

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his dick and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2qfl/the_handsaw/
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How do magicians hide their boners?

The power of missed-erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2n2u/how_do_magicians_hide_their_boners/
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What is the difference between Windows and the US Goverment?

There is none. All of us hope that the next version will be more stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2lrh/what_is_the_difference_between_windows_and_the_us/
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Rooty the Rooster [NSFW]

Farmer John found himself in a bit of a rut. His crops weren't yelding like they use to, cattle prices had hit an all time low, and he was really strapped for cash. After discussing it with Mrs. Farmer John, they decided to salvage what they had, sell the farm, and move to greener pastures. He kissed his crying wife goodbye and saddled up his horse to make the trip into town.
On the way to the bank to begin drawing up the documents, he came upon his long time neighbor, Farmer Fred, with his two sons pushing overloaded wheelbarrows of eggs into town. There were so many eggs that they were toppling over themselves and breaking on the ground, forming a trail of yolky badder behind them. The family didn't seem to care how many dropped as they walk, and almost seemed to be in a daze upon looking at them.
Now, farmer John was amazed by this; he had never seen so many eggs in one place in his entire life. He reigned in his horse and stopped Farmer Fred and his boys in their tracks.
"Hey there Farmer Fred. I have to ask - how in the world did you get so many eggs?!"
"Well Farmer John," Farmer Fred replied, "I went down to the market the other day and got me one of those new breeds of roosters they just made! They Call them Rooty Roosters and by gummit, this thing has made our hens lay eggs damn near nonstop for the last week! This load we've got here is our fifth haul today alone!"
Farmer John was shocked. he bid Farmer Fred and his boys a good day and hightailed it into town, pulled out a small loan from the bank, and bought himself a brand new Rooty Rooster, which he unceremoniously named Rooty. He cinched up his horse, rode all night back home, and explained to Mrs. Farmer John what had happened. She grab Rooty by his neck, hicked up her skirt and trudged out to the hen house.
"Now Rooty, you go get in there and earn your keep!" Mrs. Farmer John shouted. She flung the coop door open, threw Rooty in, and slammed the door shut. She and Farmer John went back inside and went to sleep.
The next day, Farmer John leapt out of bed, ran to the hen house, and flung the door open. He couldn't believe his eyes! The hen house was damn near overflowing with fresh eggs! He ran back inside, got his wife, and they both jumped for joy. However, when they went to look for Rooty, he wasn't in the hen house - he was found trying to hump the pigs! Farmer John went over and grab Rooty.
"Rooty, Rooty, Rooty, you're gonna fuck yourself to death!" Farmer John said, tossing Rooty back in the hen house and closing the door. They gathered all the eggs they could, went to the market, and sold each and every last one of them.
The next day, Farmer John ran right on back out to the hen house. He couldn't believe his eyes! The coop itself was chock full of eggs to the point the hens were wedged against the wire sides! He and Mr.s Farmer John jumped for joy but when they went to look for Rooty, he was nowhere near the hen house - they found him trying to hump the cows! After moving the hens into the barn, Farmer John went to collect Rooty.
"Rooty, Rooty, Rooty, you're gonna fuck yourself to death!" Farmer John said as he thew Rooty into the barn with the hens. He and Mrs. Farmer John collected all the eggs they could, went to market and sold each and every last one of them.
The next day, Farmer John went out to the barn, which appeared to have crumbled overnight. Hens were mounted atop cartoonishly large piles of eggs, which were still popping out of them as he watched in horrific amazement. As usual, he looked for Rooty but was nowhere near the hens - they found him trying to hump the horses! They decided to avoid any further damage to their property and allowed the hens to walk freely around the farm.
"Rooty, Rooty, Rooty, you're gonna fuck yourself to death!" Farmer John decried as he shoveled egg load after egg load into the back of his newly bought trailer. He and Mrs. Farmer John went to market, and sold each and every last egg they had.
The next day, Farmer John sprung out of bed but with dismay, not a single egg was found anywhere on the farm. The hens were all accounted for, but Rooty was nowhere to be seen. Farmer John went out to look for Rooty. He spent hours looking for him but had no luck. Right as he was about to turn back, he noticed several buzzards circling something out in the pasture. He walked out there to find Rooty's lifeless body laying in the grass.
"Rooty, Rooty, Rooty, I *TOLD* you that you'd fuck yourself to death!" Farmer John said, wiping off his brow.
To which Rooty replied, "Shh, they're about to land."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2lqs/rooty_the_rooster_nsfw/
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A women's car breaks down on a highway

Sometime later, a truck pulls over and offers to take her to the next town, as long as they she doesn't slow him down as he's already behind schedule.
Incredibly grateful, she hops into the truck and off they go.
About 20minutes into the trip she realises that she needs to pee and asks the truckie to pull over. He re-iterates that he really can't stop anymore but if she needs to go she can use his piss jug. She takes one look at it and pleads for him to pull over as there's no way she's using that thing. He proceeds to tell her that she can just piss out the window, he wont look.
Busting at this stage, she decides to just go for it, pulls her pants down and pisses out the window. At this exact time, two bikies are riding past and get hit with a flood of piss.
Startled, the first turns to the second and says "damn, thoes truckies can really spit!". The second says, " yeah, but did you see the lips on that one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2kdn/a_womens_car_breaks_down_on_a_highway/
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My son asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public...

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2j12/my_son_asked_me_to_stop_singing_oasis_songs_in/
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If you jumped off a bridge in Paris

You'd be In seine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2h3s/if_you_jumped_off_a_bridge_in_paris/
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Being a baker is a great side-job...

...especially when I knead the dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2gxy/being_a_baker_is_a_great_sidejob/
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Feminism Joke

Man: So what do you want?
Feminist: I want equal rights and liberties as men.
Man: I couldn't agree with you more... because if I did, you would have a problem with that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2e2w/feminism_joke/
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Gunfighter

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.  The young cowboy took a place next to the old timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.  “Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high.  Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.”
“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.
“Sure will,” replied the old timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.  “That's terrific!” said the hot shot.  “Got any more tips for me?”
“Yep,” said the old man.  “Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.  That'll give you a smoother draw.”
“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the younger man.
“You bet it will,” said the old timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.  “Wow!” exclaimed the cowboy.  “I'm learnin' somethin' here.  Got any more tips?”
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.  “See that axle grease over there?  Coat your gun with it.”  The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
“No,” said the old timer, “I mean, smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”
“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.
“No,” said the old timer, “but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z26oi/gunfighter/
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A guy goes for a round of golf with his boss...

A guy goes for a round of golf with his boss but the day is a bit stressed as there is constantly two women playing ahead and taking their sweet time on the fairways and greens. After a few holes of this nonsense, the boss asks the guy to go ask the ladies to step aside so they can play through.
The employee walks down the fairway and about halfway there, he turns abruptly and comes back.
"Are they gonna move or what?" asks his boss.
"I couldn't ask," explains the employee, "one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress!"
"Damn it! I'll go sort this out," says the boss and he heads down the fairway, but halfway there, he too turns back.
When he gets back he looks the employee in the eye and says: "It's a small world."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z26hc/a_guy_goes_for_a_round_of_golf_with_his_boss/
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How many friendzoned guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment the light bulb and get mad when it doesn't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z25n1/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_screw/
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Reincarnation

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them.
"You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning" says St. Peter. Dave is obviously distraught and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another chance at life.
"Well..." says St. Peter, thumbing through his saintly handbook, "There is a little known rule which might help. Apparently you can be reincarnated in special circumstances if you wish, but only as a dog or as a chicken I'm afraid..."
Dave, living next door to a chicken farm, agrees to be reincarnated as a chicken, at least so he can still see his wife.
BOOM, the man is suddenly now a chicken, pecking around the chicken farm. A rooster approaches him and says "Hey! You must be the new arrival here! How's everything going?" "Pretty good" says Dave, "though my stomach feels a bit funny.." "Well you're obviously about to lay an egg! Give it a try; push one out!" So Dave wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and out pops a nice egg!
"That felt great!" thinks Dave, "I think I'll lay another one!" So again he wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and then his wife angrily slaps him on the back of his head, screaming in a rage: "For Christ's sake David! You've shit the bed again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z1yom/reincarnation/
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A cowboy with three beers

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z1y4d/a_cowboy_with_three_beers/
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Tyrone goes to school

At the school playground Tyrone walks up to two kids. Both of them are white and Tyrone is black. They are curious and decide to compare dick sizes.
Tyrone the black one wins.
He goes home later and tells his mom about what happened. "Mom" he asks "How come mine was so much bigger then the rest of them? Is it because I'm black and they're all white?
No Tyrone she yells at him. "It's because your 23 years old!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z1v04/tyrone_goes_to_school/
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A gay man, a fat man, and a rich man

all die and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them they may stay in heaven, but only if they can resist their favorite earthly temptations. The three men agree and begin to walk through paradise. They soon come to a McDonald's. The fat man begins to run toward it and disappears. The two remaining men continue walking.
They soon come upon a $100 bill laying on the ground. The rich man bends down to pick it up and the gay man disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z1sbu/a_gay_man_a_fat_man_and_a_rich_man/
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What was Hitler's favourite computer game?

Mein Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z1qlj/what_was_hitlers_favourite_computer_game/
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I'd tell you a joke about a ghost boomerang..

But I don't want it to come back to haunt me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z1qee/id_tell_you_a_joke_about_a_ghost_boomerang/
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What kind of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z1pj6/what_kind_of_wood_doesnt_float/
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An engineer creates the smartest AI in the world

.
To test it he lets his nephew try it. The boy asks "Where is my father?"
After a couple of seconds the computer answers "Your father is at the Niagara Falls with a friend"
The kid turns to his uncle and says
"Uncle, this computer is broken, my father died 2 years ago"
He then says "Well let's ask a more specific question then!"
The kid goes to the computer and asks again:
"Where is my mother's husband? "
The answer comes
"Your mother's husband is dead. But I already told you. Your father is at the Niagara Falls with a friend!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z1p1v/an_engineer_creates_the_smartest_ai_in_the_world/
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What is the only difference between this year and last year?

A building in Dubai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z1d0u/what_is_the_only_difference_between_this_year_and/
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What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?

A Cameron Diaz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z15ux/what_does_arnold_schwarzenegger_call_a_colonoscopy/
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In Iran, people are afraid of spiders...

But in Iraq, no phobia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z11q3/in_iran_people_are_afraid_of_spiders/
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Where do bacteria like to vacation?

Germany

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0y9b/where_do_bacteria_like_to_vacation/
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How does a train eat?

They Chew-Chew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0wpr/how_does_a_train_eat/
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"I like my women like I like my Stephen Hawkings...

...paralyzed and unable to talk." - Bill Cosby
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0u5k/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_stephen_hawkings/
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At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground

Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0syx/at_2359_31122015_i_raised_my_left_foot_off_the/
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The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0pfy/the_irish_millionaire/
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What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Lukewarm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0p3c/what_is_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
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An Irishman walks into a job interview.

A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy."
[And proceeds to draw three trees.](https://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-cd69b48373ff4d3a59878c205c56551a?convert_to_webp=true)
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9" says the man.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and [makes a smudge on each tree](https://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-a151dc499635e4cfb4c2d2ed2262a28b?convert_to_webp=true)... "Ere ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and [makes a little mark at the base of each tree](https://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-27f642b08fb87f078a110b90c5c5bf65?convert_to_webp=true) and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree...so now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred!"
~~This Irishman is the new supervisor.~~
**edit:** For everyone poking fun at the last line, happy now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0nz5/an_irishman_walks_into_a_job_interview/
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The Terminator and his friends decided to go to a costume party dressed up as famous classical musicians.

"I'll be Beethoven!", said one friend.
"I'll be Mozart!", said the other friend.
"I'll be Bach.", said The Terminator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0nyw/the_terminator_and_his_friends_decided_to_go_to_a/
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Three people having sex is called a threesome, and four people having sex is called a foursome.

I guess that's why everyone calls me handsome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0kto/three_people_having_sex_is_called_a_threesome_and/
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Haven't done that in a year..

A Dad wakes up and starts making breakfast on New Years Day. The son comes down to the kitchen and as the Dad serves him eggs he goes:
"Morning son, it looks like you haven't eaten all year."
The son scowls at the terrible Dad joke and digs into his eggs. The daughter comes down to the breakfast table and the Dad pours her a glass of orange juice:
"Good morning Daughter, you must be thirsty. It looks like you haven't had anything all year. "
both children scowl and continue their breakfast. The wife finally comes down to the table and as she sits down the father rolls some sausages on to her plate.
"Good morning Wif--"
The son interupts:
"OKAY DAD WE GET IT. TAKE A DAILY ACTIVITY, SAY YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT IN A YEAR- NOT FUNNY"
The Dad calmly keeps serving breakfast and says:
"Son, I was just telling your Mother to enjoy her sausages. The joke wouldn't work since this would be her second serving today."
Edit Edit: Wife winks back
Edit Edit Edit: "In a year" to "all year"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0k8l/havent_done_that_in_a_year/
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Pressure on, testicles off.

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?" Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit him perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!". The salesman eyed Joe, then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly, as well. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?". Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a-half?" Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." said the salesman, again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly, again. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0fd3/pressure_on_testicles_off/
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What is DJ Khaled's favorite number?

11, because it is another 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0f39/what_is_dj_khaleds_favorite_number/
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Dead Cow and the Mermaid (a bit long but worth the ride)

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents to you."
The son agreed to try, but after three times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody and the cow back to perfect health."
Just before the young son starts, he hesitated and asked, "Wait a minute!! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0efs/dead_cow_and_the_mermaid_a_bit_long_but_worth_the/
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A lying neighbor

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0bts/a_lying_neighbor/
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It's been a great year, it fact, it was so great...

I remember like it was yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0bpp/its_been_a_great_year_it_fact_it_was_so_great/
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What's the best thing about Alzheimer's?

You meet new people every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z06vt/whats_the_best_thing_about_alzheimers/
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The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
"What...you coming empty handed?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z04pl/the_jewish_elbow/
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And that's why I never argue with my wife.

Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school.
Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs.
Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z02ae/and_thats_why_i_never_argue_with_my_wife/
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A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife

but a Tiger Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z026o/a_lion_wouldnt_cheat_on_his_wife/
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A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex..

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."
The husband says, "OK if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z017d/a_deaf_couple_wants_to_know_when_to_have_sex/
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"I used to date Tiger Woods..."

This guy meets 'the perfect girl' but when he asks her to marry him, she reveals that she used to date Tiger Woods and it's in the past and shouldn't ever be a problem in the future. He's level headed, can see that Woods is handsome, famous etc. so he's okay with it and moves forward.
Some months later, they get hitched and on the wedding night, he 'seals the deal' in the honeymoon suite, then promptly rolls over to make a phone call.
The bride says: "What are you doing?"
He says: "I'm gonna call room service, for a sandwich."
"Well," she says quite matter-of-fact-ly, "Tiger Woods wouldn't have done that..."
He raises his voice a bit: "WTF would Tiger have done!"
"He'd have another round," she says playfully.
He goes for another round and is completely famished and well worn, so he reaches out for the phone mid shunt and she pulls him up about it again:
"Who are you calling?"
"Room service," he replies, "would you like some replenishment, too?"
"I used to date Tiger Woods and that's not something he'd do."
"I'm sure we agreed this wouldn't come up..."
She cuts his elevated tone short with a tease: "He'd go for another round."
Exiting round three, the guy is so finished, he pulls the phone to the bed and starts dialling directly from his sweat soaked pillow.
"Who are you calling, now" she coos.
"Tiger Woods." He pants. "I'm going to ask him what's the par for this hole".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yzzea/i_used_to_date_tiger_woods/
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I have a tree joke you might like to hear

but most of us would be Sycamore.
(tree jokes need to be spruced up in my opinion)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yzy9h/i_have_a_tree_joke_you_might_like_to_hear/
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2015 was an odd year

It will all even out this year though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yzvzw/2015_was_an_odd_year/
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Young Love

A guy and his girl go out on a date, then he drives to a scenic point, parks the car and tries to get amorous. The girl stops him with a "Why don't we just talk..."
The guy counters. "If I wanted to talk, I'd be out with my best friend".
The girl says "If I wanted to make out, *I'd* be out with your best friend".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yzunk/young_love/
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Cum leaves the body at almost 30 miles per hour, which means it is illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yztly/cum_leaves_the_body_at_almost_30_miles_per_hour/
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Why do scuba divers falls backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yzr6k/why_do_scuba_divers_falls_backwards_off_of_the/
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This sub is so inactive

There hasn't been a post all year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yzmtc/this_sub_is_so_inactive/
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A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis

Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yzm95/a_guy_asks_for_a_tattoo_of_a_100_bill_on_his_penis/
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3 nuns are in line at the gates of heaven

The gatekeeper tells the first nun in line that, in order to enter the kingdom of heaven, she will need to cleanse herself with holy water from any place she touched a penis, for it was a sin. She nodded and proceeded to cleanse her hands in a fountain of holy water nearby. The 3rd nun in line is trying to cut in line of the second nun. Confused, the gatekeeper asks the 3rd nun what's the rush.
"I need to clean out my mouth before she cleans out her ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yzjvh/3_nuns_are_in_line_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
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How did the blonde die raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yzibu/how_did_the_blonde_die_raking_leaves/
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My resolution last year was to lose 25 lbs.

Anyone know how I can lose 50lbs in an hour and fifteen minutes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yzgn4/my_resolution_last_year_was_to_lose_25_lbs/
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What do you do with dead chemists?

Barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yzfxy/what_do_you_do_with_dead_chemists/
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How did the grave robber perish when he became trapped in a pyramid?

He died of asphinxiation!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yzf0k/how_did_the_grave_robber_perish_when_he_became/
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You know you're in for a rough Prostate Exam...

...when you get into "position" and, right after the doctor snaps his gloves on, the nurse leans forward and gives you the "safe word"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yzal7/you_know_youre_in_for_a_rough_prostate_exam/
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You know what really makes my day?

The rotation of the earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yz87i/you_know_what_really_makes_my_day/
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A man forgets his wife's birthday...

So his wife says to him "tomorrow I better wake up and there will be something with a bow on it that go from 0-200 in the blink of any eye."
The next day the wife wakes up and in the driveway is a big box with a bow on it. Excitedly she opens the box and much to her surprise all she uncovers is a scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yz6we/a_man_forgets_his_wifes_birthday/
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Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat?

Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe.
He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yz6hz/why_was_the_muslim_rubbing_the_goat/
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There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yz2ns/there_was_a_church_that_had_a_bell_that_no_one/
%
How do you cook toilet paper?

You brown it on one side, then throw it in the pot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yz0sf/how_do_you_cook_toilet_paper/
%
A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex.

Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyyzo/a_new_study_has_shown_that_women_who_get_more/
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A joke my 8 year old told me.

I took my son hiking in Round Valley in California. The hills are pretty steep and along the trails you can see multiple "cow pies" as he calls them (cow poop).
As we're hiking up a steep hill:
Son: "Geez dad, my legs are killing me. The cows out here must have such nice calves!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyxi1/a_joke_my_8_year_old_told_me/
%
You know who's full of themselves

Narcissistic cannibals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyx6e/you_know_whos_full_of_themselves/
%
Samoa is in 2 time zones

Some of those people are living in the past

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyw0u/samoa_is_in_2_time_zones/
%
A kid had sex with his teacher.

So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyvzk/a_kid_had_sex_with_his_teacher/
%
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyvel/a_wife_comes_home_late_one_night_and_quietly/
%
Why do Chinese knights have a low rate of survival?

They all have chinks in their armor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyujq/why_do_chinese_knights_have_a_low_rate_of_survival/
%
My wife and I are hosting a get together tonight that ends at 11:30..

We're calling it a before New Year's leave party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyrhw/my_wife_and_i_are_hosting_a_get_together_tonight/
%
What do you call a singing bottle of mustard?

Celine Dijon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyq40/what_do_you_call_a_singing_bottle_of_mustard/
%
A new study has proven...

A new study has proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyoax/a_new_study_has_proven/
%
Why is it always so sunny in Firefly and Serenity?

Because they only have one season.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yync1/why_is_it_always_so_sunny_in_firefly_and_serenity/
%
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Probably photos, reflective surfaces, things of that nature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yykg7/where_do_you_see_yourself_in_5_years/
%
Two hunters are in a forest.

They come across a very deep hole and one hunter says to the other "How deep is that?" They both find a rusty anvil and throw it in. The anvil falls so far that the hunters don't hear it hit the bottom but then they see a goat sprinting past them and jump into the hole. They stand by the hole thinking about what just happened until a farmer comes along. The farmer says "Have you seen my goat Becky?" The hunters reply, "Yeah, it ran passed us and jumped into that hole." The farmer says, "That's impossible. She couldn't have done that, she was chained to an anvil."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yykeb/two_hunters_are_in_a_forest/
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Biker Kisses

Back on September 9th, a group of Peking, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she fell, jumped or was pushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyhyq/biker_kisses/
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The preacher is on his deathbed

As an old preacher lay dying, he issued his last request. He requested the presence of two of his congregants, a banker and a lawyer.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered, the old preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, smiled contentedly, and for a time said nothing.
Finally, the lawyer broke the silence by asking the preacher why he'd asked them to come. To which he replied, "Jesus died between two thieves, so that's how I wanna go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyeyc/the_preacher_is_on_his_deathbed/
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Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes
Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyep2/star_wars_episode_79_titles_revealed/
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Why does the tomato blushing?

Because it saw the salad dressing :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyeh3/why_does_the_tomato_blushing/
%
A dying lawyer

Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yy912/a_dying_lawyer/
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This is the last time you will ever hear this joke and have it make sense

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Yourself: I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
Happy new year everyone. I'm sorry to all those who are in the future right now who can't enjoy this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yy8i7/this_is_the_last_time_you_will_ever_hear_this/
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My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore...

I had to put my foot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yy7yl/my_wife_told_me_im_not_allowed_to_impersonate_a/
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I asked my doctor where to put my pants during my prostate exam.

"Over there next to mine" was not the answer I expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yy7ne/i_asked_my_doctor_where_to_put_my_pants_during_my/
%
Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with her right hand?

so she could moan with the left

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yy4c1/why_did_helen_keller_only_masturbate_with_her/
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Ever hear of the Infinite Monkey Theorem?

It goes something like if an infinite number of Redditors typed away on keyboards, one of them will eventually type a complete day of work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yy3hd/ever_hear_of_the_infinite_monkey_theorem/
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Who is the only man to record more knock outs than Mike Tyson?

Bill Cosby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yy1gr/who_is_the_only_man_to_record_more_knock_outs/
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A Lack of Recognition

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the spiritual leader of their churches.
Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores or gentlemen's clubs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxydu/a_lack_of_recognition/
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My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxy1w/my_friends_body_temperature_is_currently_27315_c/
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PSA: This year, lets refrain from the 'I haven't taken a shower since last year!' jokes.

Please and thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxsof/psa_this_year_lets_refrain_from_the_i_havent/
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A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver...

so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.”
The taxi driver says “It’s not your fault sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver…
I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxs6l/a_guy_in_a_taxi_wanted_to_speak_to_the_driver/
%
My grandpa told me this before he kicked the bucket.

He said, "Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxpxz/my_grandpa_told_me_this_before_he_kicked_the/
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Dad, am I adopted?

Son : Dad, am I adopted?
Dad : If we really wanted to adopt, we would have chosen someone better.
E^dit : formatting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxopa/dad_am_i_adopted/
%
If there is ever a corn army, I'll join it...

...and I'll be the colonel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxo5u/if_there_is_ever_a_corn_army_ill_join_it/
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What do you call Batman when he leaves church early?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxnqa/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_leaves_church/
%
A guy walks into a drugstore and sees a guy leaning heavily against the wall

He asks the clerk, 'What's with that guy?'
Clerk says, 'He came in with a bad cough and asked me for cough medicine.  We were out of cough medicine, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative instead.'
The guy says, 'What?! You can't treat a cough with laxative!'
The clerk replies, 'Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxmyo/a_guy_walks_into_a_drugstore_and_sees_a_guy/
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

LET'S GO RIDE OUR BIKES!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxmpe/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What did they say to the doctor that wanted to sew his own stitches?

"Suture self!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxl1x/what_did_they_say_to_the_doctor_that_wanted_to/
%
Why are Norwegian women so hot?

The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxk01/why_are_norwegian_women_so_hot/
%
Nazi jokes are so offensive

Anne Frankly, I find them immature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxivy/nazi_jokes_are_so_offensive/
%
It's not that hard to tell alligators and crocodiles apart.

One will see you after a while, and the other will see you later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxamy/its_not_that_hard_to_tell_alligators_and/
%
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yxa2f/i_was_at_my_bank_today_waiting_in_a_short_line/
%
How to fall down stairs

Step 1
Step 6
Step 7, 8, 9, 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yx7s4/how_to_fall_down_stairs/
%
Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yx6i2/why_was_the_math_book_sad/
%
How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?

None: the light bulb must find $80,000 to become clear, then it will have the self-determination to change itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yx6cp/how_many_scientologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What kind of music did Jesus hate?

Anything by Judas Priest and Nine Inch Nails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yx0em/what_kind_of_music_did_jesus_hate/
%
A miracle at the funeral

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ywsvz/a_miracle_at_the_funeral/
%
I found a hole in my pants this morning

No one's looking into it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ywr9b/i_found_a_hole_in_my_pants_this_morning/
%
Told my GF: “We haven't had sex for almost a month.”

She replied: “Speak for yourself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ywolg/told_my_gf_we_havent_had_sex_for_almost_a_month/
%
I had a job building porta-potties

I had a job building Porta - potties
But people would shit all over my work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ywnf1/i_had_a_job_building_portapotties/
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What did the Nazi soldier who liked animals become once the war was over?

A veteran Aryan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ywnec/what_did_the_nazi_soldier_who_liked_animals/
%
"Incontinence hotline...

...can you hold?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ywmpj/incontinence_hotline/
%
Three guys go to a ski lodge

, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ywgvs/three_guys_go_to_a_ski_lodge/
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Do special ed teachers mark late students as tardy?

i have no shame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ywf5n/do_special_ed_teachers_mark_late_students_as_tardy/
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What does one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ywccl/what_does_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
he just won fifty thousand dollars

This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?"
The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"
"What, that’s outrageous.
"Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good.
"All right, screw it, money is no object."
A half hour after she’s done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?
"Honey, a blow job is $5000.00."
"What, that’s outrageous."
"Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good.
"All right, screw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after she’s done the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks ,gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.
"My god that was the best blow job I have ever had, I’ve gotta know, How much for some pussy?"
The hooker looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a pussy, I would own this whole city."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ywa58/he_just_won_fifty_thousand_dollars/
%
How do you tell which side of a tree is the front?

You wouldn't piss in front of a tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yw8tm/how_do_you_tell_which_side_of_a_tree_is_the_front/
%
"Do you know how awkward you are?"

"Good, you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yw6e3/do_you_know_how_awkward_you_are/
%
An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy

And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yw6ap/an_australian_bin_man_knocks_at_the_door_of_a/
%
2016 New Year Scratchcard

2015 is going to end soon! As an appreciation of your support to [/r/Jokes](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/), every subscriber here can get one of the reward below:
* Grand Prize: iPhone 6s Plus 128G
* Second Prize: Samsung Galaxy Note 5
* Third Prize: Nintendo 3DS
* Consolation Prize: Paypal credit $100.
Claim your prize by using the scratchcard here: ████████████
Protip: scratch screen hard! It takes some efforts to scratch off the coating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yw3z3/2016_new_year_scratchcard/
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I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.

3840x2160

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yw2x0/ive_thought_long_and_hard_and_have_decided_on_my/
%
A hole was found in the wall surrounding a nudist colony.

The police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yw0yz/a_hole_was_found_in_the_wall_surrounding_a_nudist/
%
TIFU by assigning a temporary history teacher to a math class

Oops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yvyz1/tifu_by_assigning_a_temporary_history_teacher_to/
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A large hole was found in the middle of the city.

Officials are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yvwpx/a_large_hole_was_found_in_the_middle_of_the_city/
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I think my wife has a habit of walking in her sleep

Every morning I find her sleeping in someone else's bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yvvm4/i_think_my_wife_has_a_habit_of_walking_in_her/
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Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yvs4e/do_you_think_charlie_sheen_admitted_to_being_hiv/
%
An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub...

A fly lands in each of their drinks.
The English man refuses to drink,
The Irishman blows the fly off the foam and proceeds to drink,
The Scotsman picks the fly up by the wings and shouts "Spit it out, ya wee bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yvpvu/an_englishman_irishman_and_a_scotsman_walk_into_a/
%
What does a blonde do when her car endures a hail storm?

Jill woke up one morning after a hail storm that night. Her car had dents all over it. It was incredibly bad damage, so she brought it into a local auto repair to get the dents fixed. The mechanic, noticing that Jill was blonde, thought he would have a little fun. He simply told her that there is an easy solution to this dent problem of hers! He instructed her, "go home and blow into the tailpipe of your car really really hard and all the dents will just pop out!" So, upon hearing the wonderful trick, Jill goes home and tried blowing. She blew and blew and blew, but the dents didn't pop out. After a couple more attempts her blonde roommate, Katie, came home and asked her what she was doing. "The mechanic told me to blow into my tailpipe to get all of these hail dents to pop out", Jill explained. Katie started laughing historically, "no, no silly", she said, "you have to roll up your windows first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yvlr8/what_does_a_blonde_do_when_her_car_endures_a_hail/
%
If a...

If a black bird brings black babies,
and a blue bird brings blue babies..
What kind of bird brings no babies?
A swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yvkd0/if_a/
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Slightly changed old soviet joke

American: -There is no freedom of speech in Russia. In America, you can go out on the street and yell out 'Obama is an asshole', and you won't get arrested. Russian responds: -Of course Russia has freedom of speeech, anyone can go out on the Moscow street and yell out 'Obama is an asshole'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yvfez/slightly_changed_old_soviet_joke/
%
why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

cause they're really fuckin' good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yvd1y/why_do_you_never_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
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A man and his son are sitting at the table for breakfast...

A man and his son are sitting at the table for breakfast. The man takes a sip of his coffee and says "Ahh it's like sex in a canoe." The son asks, "Is it any good?" And the man replies, "No, it's fucking close to water."
My girlfriend told me this one and I had to share it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yvc2r/a_man_and_his_son_are_sitting_at_the_table_for/
%
Another Dad Joke

Dad:  Guess who I saw today?
Kid:   Who?
Dad:  Everyone I looked at!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yv9yi/another_dad_joke/
%
What did Mr. T say when he saw a fat woman sitting at the bar?

"I pity the stool."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yv9ye/what_did_mr_t_say_when_he_saw_a_fat_woman_sitting/
%
Don't have sex on January 1st

It's only the first date!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yv89l/dont_have_sex_on_january_1st/
%
What's Bill Cosby's New Favorite Snack?

Jail-O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yv5u7/whats_bill_cosbys_new_favorite_snack/
%
Star wars dad joke heard tonight

Dad  "Chewbacca seems kinda big for an ewok..."
Me "he's a wookie. "
Dad "he can't be, he's been in lots of movies now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yv3ne/star_wars_dad_joke_heard_tonight/
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Apparently, Bill Cosby likes his women the way he likes his Jello Pudding...

...passed out cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yv2ov/apparently_bill_cosby_likes_his_women_the_way_he/
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What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yv1qy/what_do_womens_panties_and_nail_polish_have_in/
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Why are chemists always a part of the problem?

Because they can never be a part of the solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yv1hd/why_are_chemists_always_a_part_of_the_problem/
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What kind of underwear does John Grisham use?

Pelican Briefs
I'll go find a bridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yv08a/what_kind_of_underwear_does_john_grisham_use/
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Why do women sound like they're having an orgasm when they play tennis?

And why does my mother play Tennis in her bedroom?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yv07j/why_do_women_sound_like_theyre_having_an_orgasm/
%
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?

It died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yuzja/why_did_the_squirrel_fall_out_of_the_tree/
%
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?

Teargas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yuyrd/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_bean_and_an_onion/
%
My music teacher was arrested for sticking his dick through a sheet of music

Apparently, it's illegal to have sex with A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yuxk9/my_music_teacher_was_arrested_for_sticking_his/
%
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yuxdu/what_is_the_difference_between_snowmen_and/
%
A family walks into a hotel.. (NSFW)

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yuu2q/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel_nsfw/
%
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor

were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yusqb/a_young_wife_her_boorish_husband_and_a_young_good/
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I think my friend's new bowl is really a colander

He told me a long story about how he uses it for mixing, but it doesn't hold water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yus26/i_think_my_friends_new_bowl_is_really_a_colander/
%
I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yur3y/i_was_in_the_supermarket_when_i_got_a_message_on/
%
Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy?

The mafia doesn't like witnesses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yuoej/why_are_there_no_jehovahs_witnesses_in_italy/
%
Did you hear about the solider that survived a mustard gas attack and a pepper spray attack?

He's now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yun9l/did_you_hear_about_the_solider_that_survived_a/
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What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives right through a stop sign, a stoner waits for it to turn green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yum27/whats_the_difference_between_a_drunk_and_a_stoner/
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The rewards of prayer ...

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yuk0t/the_rewards_of_prayer/
%
What do people do when a chemist dies?

They barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yuin5/what_do_people_do_when_a_chemist_dies/
%
What do you call a protein that has anger management issues?

Amino acid!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yui8u/what_do_you_call_a_protein_that_has_anger/
%
A star walks into a black hole...

... but it doesn't seem phazed. The black hole turns to the star and says, "Sir, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yuawn/a_star_walks_into_a_black_hole/
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You know you're getting old...

when you walk past two priests and they wont even glance at you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yu9r7/you_know_youre_getting_old/
%
I once dumped a cross-eyed chick

Thought she was seeing someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yu9be/i_once_dumped_a_crosseyed_chick/
%
A thief stole a toilet from the police station.

At this point they have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yu7us/a_thief_stole_a_toilet_from_the_police_station/
%
Bill Cosby was charged with sexual assault

I guess the proof was in the pudding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yu5gm/bill_cosby_was_charged_with_sexual_assault/
%
What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a Rap artist?

art

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yu39a/whats_the_difference_between_bill_cosby_and_a_rap/
%
As we go into New Years, here's something a little more serious.

With Christmas behind us and New Years close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends and family about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by some whiskey. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home.
Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it..
So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ytk4c/as_we_go_into_new_years_heres_something_a_little/
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I committed a petty theft today...

The cops took me in on charges for a salt and battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yti4t/i_committed_a_petty_theft_today/
%
I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ytei8/i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_just_by_looking_at_it/
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Let's be honest...

Finn was a little bit on the Dark side...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ytb6x/lets_be_honest/
%
What type of overalls did Mario wear?

Denim Denim Denim......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ytaa8/what_type_of_overalls_did_mario_wear/
%
and the award for the shitposter of the year goes to.....

[THIS GUY!](https://www.reddit.com/user/me)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yt6zp/and_the_award_for_the_shitposter_of_the_year_goes/
%
Why is it best to ship boxes using a UPS truck?

The DOWNS truck is a little slow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yt6kn/why_is_it_best_to_ship_boxes_using_a_ups_truck/
%
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary....

His wife was mad.  She said "Tomorrow morning there better be a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds!" The next morning there was a box, gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.  Bob's been missing since Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yt4ww/bob_forgot_his_wedding_anniversary/
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What has 3 balls and flies through space

E.T the Extra Testicle
I know this was awful I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yt4mp/what_has_3_balls_and_flies_through_space/
%
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yszd4/a_man_goes_to_a_bar_and_sees_a_fat_girl_dancing/
%
Ooooh it's ever so sad

At a boat rental company, the radio operator said into the microphone: "boat 99, your hour is up, please head in."
An employee walks up to him and says: "We only have 75 boats, sir there is no boat 99."
The radio operator says: "Boat 66, are you in trouble?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ysyl4/ooooh_its_ever_so_sad/
%
A rabbi and a Catholic priest are walking down the street...

...when the priest sees a boy across the way.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Let's go over there and screw that boy!"
The rabbi looks the boy over and says to the priest, "out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ysri3/a_rabbi_and_a_catholic_priest_are_walking_down/
%
I remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket

He said "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ysoxe/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said_to_me/
%
Instructions for falling down the stairs:

Step 1, step 6, step 7, step 8, step 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ysmqv/instructions_for_falling_down_the_stairs/
%
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ysm70/teacher_kids_what_does_the_chicken_give_you/
%
Blonde Bar

A blind man walks into a bar. He orders a drink and relaxes. Later, he yells to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar is now silent. The man next to the blind man says to him, "I don't think you should tell that joke. That bartender is blond, the person sitting next to you is a professional MMA fighter, I'm blonde and I am 6'5'' and weigh 200 pounds, and the bouncer outside is also blonde. Now, do you really want to tell that blonde joke anymore?" The blind man replies, "No, not if I have to explain it to 4 different people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ysemz/blonde_bar/
%
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

Addictionary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yscnp/what_do_you_call_a_dictionary_on_drugs/
%
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ys6by/a_young_blonde_woman_is_distraught_because_she/
%
What's E.T. short for?

So he can fit in his spaceship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ys65r/whats_et_short_for/
%
People say women can do everything men can do.

Have women ever successfully oppressed an entire gender?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ys3ze/people_say_women_can_do_everything_men_can_do/
%
The first time I got a universal remote control,

I thought to myself "This changes everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ys2a8/the_first_time_i_got_a_universal_remote_control/
%
What's a Jedi's favourite programming language?

JabbaScript

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ys146/whats_a_jedis_favourite_programming_language/
%
I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ys0xp/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_their_room/
%
Dad joke heard at the beach

Recently, I was on vacation and at a beach and a father and his kids were playing catch in the water next to me.
This kid who had to be about six or seven yells out, "dad, I'm going to try some trash talk. Ready? Your skills are as rusty as a tin can! Get it dad? *trash* talk?"
I was dying. That kid is going to make a great dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yrz4u/dad_joke_heard_at_the_beach/
%
How many portuguese people can fit on a scooter?

A Brazilian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yrwxy/how_many_portuguese_people_can_fit_on_a_scooter/
%
The pilot asks over the PA system whether there's a doctor on board

From the back a guy shouts "I'm a vegan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yrv1r/the_pilot_asks_over_the_pa_system_whether_theres/
%
Statistically...

9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yrlue/statistically/
%
Dad joke I came up with at work.

I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yrcud/dad_joke_i_came_up_with_at_work/
%
A blonde, wanting to earn some money,

decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yrah5/a_blonde_wanting_to_earn_some_money/
%
Where did Suzy go during the bombing?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yr21i/where_did_suzy_go_during_the_bombing/
%
Coffee

: you haven't had enough until you can thread a sewing machine needle while it's running.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yr16a/coffee/
%
The Old Golfer

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yr04r/the_old_golfer/
%
I found a substance that works like catnip, except only for Chinese bears

I'd release it, but that would cause pandamoanium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yqzx7/i_found_a_substance_that_works_like_catnip_except/
%
What do you call a pile of cats?

A meowtain!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yqsnh/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_cats/
%
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic?

He lay awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yqqgd/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_dyslexic_insomniac/
%
Why is PTSD like riding a bike?

You never forget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yqpnq/why_is_ptsd_like_riding_a_bike/
%
So I was at the club

They played crank that, and I did the Superman.
They played the Cupid shuffle, so I did the Cupid shuffle.
They played Come on Eileen, and I got kicked out of the club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yqm50/so_i_was_at_the_club/
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[OC] Why don't dyslexics like the story of King Arthur?

They think it's about the romance and majesty of Camelto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yqion/oc_why_dont_dyslexics_like_the_story_of_king/
%
A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'
'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.
'Good grief,' he thought.
He went to the pub down the street, and after a beer he phoned in and was told a fourth one was on the way. He started to drown his sorrows. A few stiff whiskies later he called the hospital again, but was so drunk he dialled the wrong number - and got the recorded cricket score. Crying in agony, he collapsed on the floor, a poor, devastated, shuddering and weeping mess.
As the barman struggled to pick him up, he heard the voice from the phone say, 'The score is 88 all out. And the last one was a duck.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yqace/a_fathertobe_was_waiting_anxiously_outside_the/
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[Dirty Joke] A pig fell in mud.

An even dirtier joke: Two pigs fell in mud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yq9he/dirty_joke_a_pig_fell_in_mud/
%
Steve Erwin died the way he was born

With the animals in his heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yq79w/steve_erwin_died_the_way_he_was_born/
%
My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god.

I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yq611/my_friend_told_me_he_had_the_body_of_a_greek_god/
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I wish people would stop asking me where I see myself in 5 years..

I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yq5ic/i_wish_people_would_stop_asking_me_where_i_see/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not 6. My basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yq29y/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you get when you cross a railroad with a refrigerator?

Killed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ypzme/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_railroad_with_a/
%
Why are there no Jews on Jupiter?

Because it's a gas planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ypym6/why_are_there_no_jews_on_jupiter/
%
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor

were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ypy6d/a_young_wife_her_boorish_husband_and_a_young_good/
%
A maid asks for a raise

from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ypy4i/a_maid_asks_for_a_raise/
%
At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ypw0c/at_the_beginning_of_this_year_i_made_a_new_years/
%
Last night I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ypuzt/last_night_i_was_visited_by_the_ghost_of_gloria/
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Facts

It takes seven seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.  A human hair can hold three Kg.  The length of a man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete.  A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.  Women blink two times as much as men.    A woman has read this entire post...  A man is still looking at his thumb...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ypo0z/facts/
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Welfare Check

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ypmk2/welfare_check/
%
There aren't many books on how to cook steak

It's a rare medium done well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yphcv/there_arent_many_books_on_how_to_cook_steak/
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If someone sends you a link to download the Homer's Iliad, don't download it...

It's full of trojans!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ypdje/if_someone_sends_you_a_link_to_download_the/
%
My mother always said, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your maid."

When I went to college the dorm had a maid who told us, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ypbf6/my_mother_always_said_pick_your_clothes_up_off/
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A wealthy man was lying on his deathbed

A wealthy old man was lying on his deathbed, when it occurred to him he had never made a will, so he called his lawyer to help him make his will. The following day his laywer came, and the wealthy man said, "I want 25% of my money to go to charity. After all I've taken, I should give something back."
"How generous of you," the lawyer responded. "I'll make sure it happens right away."
"I also want 25% of it to go to my son. He's been counting the days till he could get my money," the old man said.
"Okay, I'll make sure he receives 25% of it," the lawyer replied.
"I want the rest to go to my wife, on condition that she remarries after I die," the old man said.
"Okay, I'll ensure that that happens, but may I ask why you want her to remarry? It's a quite obscure request," the lawyer asked.
"I want to make sure at least one man regrets my death," the old man said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ypaai/a_wealthy_man_was_lying_on_his_deathbed/
%
Gay guys know everything...

A gay guy and a straight guy are in a car and stuck at a stoplight for a very long time. The gay guy looks at the straight guy and says
"I'm going to go, it’s going to turn green anyways."
the gay guy goes and it turns green. The straight guy says,
"how'd you do that."
"Gay guys know everything." said the gay guy.
Then the two go to the mall and while they’re in the parking lot the gay guy stops the straight guy and says.
"I bet you in about 4 seconds 5 hot girls come around that corner over there."
About 4 seconds later 5 hot girls walk around the corner. The straight guy says,
"how'd you do that?"
the gay guy says yet again.
"Gay guys know everything."
*At this point in the joke you say to the person "Then the two guys go up these things that are a lot like stairs but they move?" Struggle to think about what they are called and hopefully the person you're telling the joke to says "escalator." Then you say*
"Gay guys know everything..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yp8rw/gay_guys_know_everything/
%
What do you call a machine that automatically paddles your boat?

A row bot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yp8e5/what_do_you_call_a_machine_that_automatically/
%
Every time I tell dad jokes

He laughs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yp15b/every_time_i_tell_dad_jokes/
%
What do you get when you cross Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris?

Beat up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yoxjf/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_bruce_lee_and/
%
Where do pedophiles get the wedding rings?

They go to Jared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yowdy/where_do_pedophiles_get_the_wedding_rings/
%
Headaches

One day a man starts having terrible headaches. Everywhere he goes his head hurts, so he decides to go to the doctor to figure out the problem.
The doctor does a routine exam and can't figure out the source, so they decide to do a CAT scan and MRI. After the procedures, the doctor finds the route of the headaches seem to stem, for some reason, from his penis.
The doctor tries a few alternative procedures, to try and relieve the pain from the headaches, but they never go away. He then claims that the only way that he is sure the headaches would go away is if the man had his penis removed.
The man thinks it over very carefully, but being middle aged with no wife, and having used it quite extensively up to this point, he just absolutely cannot live with the headaches, so he decides to go through with the procedure and has his penis removed. The headaches stop immediately.
A few day later the man needs to buy a new suit for a party he is going to, so he goes to the store and sees the tailor. The tailor takes all of the usual measurements, then asks what side the man's penis hangs on. The man asks if it matters, to which the tailor replies, "Oh yes, sir, if it hangs on the wrong side you get these massive headaches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yowcl/headaches/
%
What do you want to do before you tickle someone?

Test-tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yotrg/what_do_you_want_to_do_before_you_tickle_someone/
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I don't like country music,

but I don't mean to denigrate those who do.  And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yosqf/i_dont_like_country_music/
%
Why are black people afraid of high fives?

They don't want to be left hanging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yorrp/why_are_black_people_afraid_of_high_fives/
%
Why do green beans meditate?

To find inner peas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yopaq/why_do_green_beans_meditate/
%
A woman goes on a date.

It was wonderful! Though the next day, she noticed a stain on her dress. She didn't worry though, because she often went to a laundromat to get her clothes cleaned, and she had made friends with the staff there. Later, she went into the laundromat and said to the old clerk, "Hello Bob! Can you clean my dress for me? There is a stain on it." The old man is hard of hearing, so he asks, "Come again?". The woman replies, "No, just mustard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yom62/a_woman_goes_on_a_date/
%
kids grow up so fast now a days

like just the other day my daughter was asking me awkward sexual questions like "Is that the best you can do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yoi7x/kids_grow_up_so_fast_now_a_days/
%
If you let Jesus take the wheel...

Does that count as ghost riding the whip?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yoh1w/if_you_let_jesus_take_the_wheel/
%
Tarzan and Jane

One day, Jane decides to teach Tarzan about sex.
As she is giving him the basics, Tarzan goes:
"Oh, Tarzan know sex. Tarzan sometimes do with hole in tree"
Horrified, Jane goes:
"My word, Tarzan, no, that's so terribly wrong. Here," she lays down on her back and opens her legs "You have to put it in here."
Tarzan takes off his loincloth, walks up to Jane and - BAM - kicks her as hard as he can, right in the snatch.
Jane proceeds to roll around on the ground in agony.
Finally, once she is able to draw breath, she goes
"Dear God, what the hell did you do that for?"
With a huge grin, he replies
"Tarzan not stupid. Always check for bees first"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yof6r/tarzan_and_jane/
%
Why don't NFL players wear glasses?

Because it's a contact sport.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yof27/why_dont_nfl_players_wear_glasses/
%
What do you call it when you punch someone with an avocado?

Guacamelee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yob8y/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_punch_someone_with/
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A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yob7u/a_blonde_goes_to_work_in_tears_her_boss_asks/
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The Severed Penis (nsfw)

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes, she has," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We decided to spend the money on new granite counter tops for the kitchen.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yob53/the_severed_penis_nsfw/
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The Scotsman and the sheikh

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yo44c/the_scotsman_and_the_sheikh/
%
I think it's been enough time to warrant a Star Wars spoiler...

Yoda is dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yo1ti/i_think_its_been_enough_time_to_warrant_a_star/
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Pros are good and cons are bad, so...

What's the opposite of constitution?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yo1kv/pros_are_good_and_cons_are_bad_so/
%
A beautiful woman walks into her professor's office

Woman: "I really need to get an A in this course. What can I do to get an A?"
Professor: "Is getting an A really that important?"
Woman (seductively): "Yes, I would do anything to get an A".
Professor: "Anything?"
Woman (seductively): "Yes, anything."
Professor: "Would you study?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yo149/a_beautiful_woman_walks_into_her_professors_office/
%
Did you hear what happened to the fly on the toilet seat?

He got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yo0f7/did_you_hear_what_happened_to_the_fly_on_the/
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What award was given to the best knock-knock joke winner?

The No-Bell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ynzq7/what_award_was_given_to_the_best_knockknock_joke/
%
Came out to my parents at Christmas. Later that day my nephew asked to play hide and go seek.

Now I'm back in the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ynzgu/came_out_to_my_parents_at_christmas_later_that/
%
A travelling salesman knocks on a door...

And a ten year old boy answers the door wearing high heels, and a brown bra, smoking a cigar, and drinking scotch.
The salesman says, "woah. Hey, little fella'. Are you parents home?"
The boy answers, "what the fuck do you think?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ynxxw/a_travelling_salesman_knocks_on_a_door/
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From an English Professor.

"In the world of hi-tech gadgetry , I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the practice of using capital letters.
The use of capitals , known as capitalization , is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Is everybody clear on that ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yns1c/from_an_english_professor/
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25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

Which is really scary because that means that 75% are running around untreated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ynqjr/25_of_the_women_in_this_country_are_on_medication/
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Born without ears

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby, but the baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the new parents invited Little Johnny's family over to see the new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbors home Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He then said, "Did the doctor say he can see good?" The mother said a bit bewildered, "Yes..., why do you ask?" Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, 'cause if he needs glasses he's screwed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ynp9k/born_without_ears/
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My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
Edit 2: to those who are telling me it's not a joke, because my son doesn't understand the English language. WOW, you're right! I hadn't thought of that. I really thought he got me, but you have changed everything! My 4 year old son doesn't know the word "bare", or sarcasm yet. Please stop PMing me that now. Thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ynope/my_4_year_old_son_just_got_me_with_a_dad_joke_i/
%
A father and son go to buy a horse.

The dad looks over the horse, running his hand down the back of the horse, patting and rubbing its rump. The son asks  "Dad, why do you touch its butt like that?" The dad, sensing a teachable moment says "Well, son, if I'm going to buy it, I want to make sure its healthy."
The boy thinks on this for a second and says "Dad, I think our neighbor wants to buy Mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ynmdt/a_father_and_son_go_to_buy_a_horse/
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I bought a muzzle for my pet duck.

Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ynk2g/i_bought_a_muzzle_for_my_pet_duck/
%
A woman stopped me in the street and asked me how i view lesbian relationships

Apparently in HD wasn't the right answer.
:/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ynk02/a_woman_stopped_me_in_the_street_and_asked_me_how/
%
Marriage

Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ynf7b/marriage/
%
Where can you find the most gold?

Au stralia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ynckk/where_can_you_find_the_most_gold/
%
Fun fact: Did you know that HIV is Roman for 'high five'?

Pass it on - or, rather, don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ynaao/fun_fact_did_you_know_that_hiv_is_roman_for_high/
%
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yn22f/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
%
Three men get a second chance.

Three sinful men die and are sent to purgatory, one is addicted to money, one is a gambling addict, and the other is addicted to anal sex.
They are all in disbelief that they didn't make it in to heaven and plead with God to give them a second chance at life. God relents but he says he will give them each one last chance at life, but if they continue their sinful ways, "POOF!" they will be sent straight to hell.
Once back on Earth, the gambler is walking down the street, he walks by a casino and is overcome with temptation and runs in and sits at the poker table, "POOF!" he's sent straight to hell.
The money addict is now walking down the street, he looks down and notices a dollar on the ground. He is overcome with temptation, bends over to pick it up and, "POOF! POOF!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yn0d5/three_men_get_a_second_chance/
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What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ymu6x/what_did_the_o_say_to_the_q/
%
What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

Vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ymroj/what_do_japanese_men_do_when_they_have_erections/
%
Why were the two Chinese scientists having trouble cloning a caucasian?

Because two Wongs can't make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ymgnv/why_were_the_two_chinese_scientists_having/
%
An atheist, a cross-fitter and a vegan walk into a bar...

We only know because they told everyone within a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ymci9/an_atheist_a_crossfitter_and_a_vegan_walk_into_a/
%
What do you call a boring banana?

unaPEELING

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ymam3/what_do_you_call_a_boring_banana/
%
A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance...

As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling. The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9.
"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ym71f/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_spies_two_lovely_women/
%
Whats the difference between 8 dicks and a joke??

Your mom cant take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ym6oe/whats_the_difference_between_8_dicks_and_a_joke/
%
A blonde and her friend lost in the forest

A blonde and her friend are lost in the forest. The friend goes out on the first night and comes back with a deer, killed with a primitive bow and arrow. "Wow!" the blonde exclaims, "How did you do that?!" The friend tried to keep it very simple for the blonde so she could understand. She replied, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks. I see deer, I shoot deer." the blonde nodded in understanding. The next night, the blonde, feeling a thousand times smarter than she was before, volunteered to go hunting. When she returned, however, she was beaten up, scraped and bleeding. "What happened?!" the friend was worried. The blonde replied in a very agitated, upset tone. "I did what you said!" She screamed. "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train I shoot train!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ym3v3/a_blonde_and_her_friend_lost_in_the_forest/
%
I keep a photo of my mother flexing inside the charm of my necklace

Because she is a strong, in the pendant woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ylzo1/i_keep_a_photo_of_my_mother_flexing_inside_the/
%
A country boy gets into Harvard and meets his posh roommate...

He asks, "Hey, y'all know where the bathrooms are at?"
The roommate replies, "Here at Harvard, one would do well to know not to end their sentences in a preposition."
The hick responds, "Aight, where the bathrooms at shithead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ylzaq/a_country_boy_gets_into_harvard_and_meets_his/
%
If I had a dollar for every person over 40 that told me my generation sucks

I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ylsvg/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_person_over_40_that/
%
Finding a girlfriend is a lot like fishing...

There are plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just you holding your rod until you catch one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ylsja/finding_a_girlfriend_is_a_lot_like_fishing/
%
Why does Bigfoot have a nice butt

Because he does sassquats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ylqvx/why_does_bigfoot_have_a_nice_butt/
%
TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ylpms/til_the_american_flag_planted_on_the_moon_is_now/
%
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed....

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ylom3/a_father_put_his_3_year_old_daughter_to_bed/
%
Tommy's parents wanted to have sex....

So his dad asked him to stand in the balcony and tell What's happening outside. Tommy started
Tommy : Sam is having his breakfast
Lil is starting her car
Kids are playing in the park
Mark is opening his garage
Mike's parents are having sex
Dad : What! How do you know that!
Tommy : He is also standing in the balcony!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yln7s/tommys_parents_wanted_to_have_sex/
%
Why did 6 wanna fuck 7?

Cus 7 8 ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yll83/why_did_6_wanna_fuck_7/
%
Why did Snoop Dogg go to Germany?

For Schnitzel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ylgi0/why_did_snoop_dogg_go_to_germany/
%
A mysterious hole was found in my area recently.

Local police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yl92i/a_mysterious_hole_was_found_in_my_area_recently/
%
I can only say nine English words.

Well, shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yl8n5/i_can_only_say_nine_english_words/
%
Why did the T.V. break up with the remote?

She thought he was too controlling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yl80d/why_did_the_tv_break_up_with_the_remote/
%
When I get naked in the bathroom...

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yl5qj/when_i_get_naked_in_the_bathroom/
%
What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?

Before the First Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yl5f0/whats_a_pedophiles_favorite_part_of_a_hockey_game/
%
Trump enters a bar...

Trump enters a crowded bar and orders his favorite drink. But he soon realizes a Latino guy is sitting just next to him.
So Trump yells at the barman: "Hey, free drinks for everyone... Except this guy!"
Everyone cheers, but much to his dislike, even the Latino smiles! Weird...
After a few minutes, Trump yells again: "free drinks for all but him!".
Same result: everyone rejoices, even the lonely Latino though he's excluded from all the free booze.
Trumps doesn't understand... He tries more and more but the Latino's smile keeps getting bigger.
After a while, totally puzzled, Trump asks the barman : "Who the hell is this guy ?"
And the barman : "Oh, Mr Sanchez ? He's the owner".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yl4ua/trump_enters_a_bar/
%
Tell my WiFi

love her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yl43p/tell_my_wifi/
%
What's the difference between a hedgehog and a Jeep?

With the hedgehog the pricks can be seen on the outside and with a Jeep the prick can be seen on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yl1vk/whats_the_difference_between_a_hedgehog_and_a_jeep/
%
Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yl0mp/why_are_there_no_knock_knock_jokes_about_america/
%
My door was not working

I couldn't handle it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ykny9/my_door_was_not_working/
%
What do you call hay for Catholic horses?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ykngv/what_do_you_call_hay_for_catholic_horses/
%
Did you hear about the woman who got caught with pot in her fake breasts?

It was a huge drug bust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ykmns/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_got_caught_with/
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I vacationed at a nudist colony this past summer...

the first few days were the hardest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ykku8/i_vacationed_at_a_nudist_colony_this_past_summer/
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Old one I've never seen on here

This joke was in a book I had as a young child, probably from the 70s or 80s.  It's so ridiculous, I remember it to this day.
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a white elephant?
A: Hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ykjg1/old_one_ive_never_seen_on_here/
%
Two retired gentlemen meet while on the beach in Florida

They sit down and strike up a conversation.
"So you moved down here after you retired. What did you do before?"
"I was in the sporting goods business. I started out selling socks from a cart. Before long I had a little store. The business grew, slowly at first, but after thirty years I owned the biggest sporting goods store for fifty miles. I wanted to slow down a little and enjoy my success, but none of the kids were interested in the business, and I had a hard time finding a buyer. Then, tragically, the store burned to the ground. Luckily, I had good insurance. It paid off more than enough to retire on, so here I am! What about you?"
"My story is much the same. I spent my life in the shoe business, until a flood wiped me out. Insurance saved me as well. I decided not to rebuild, just moved down here to relax."
"Wow, that's something. I have one question, though."
"What's that?"
"How do you start a flood?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ykhxm/two_retired_gentlemen_meet_while_on_the_beach_in/
%
Why is Divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ykho6/why_is_divorce_so_expensive/
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Two drunk students meet in a bar on Spring Break, and decide to screw on the beach

Guy can't find his condom, but decides to fuck her anyways.  When they finish, the girl says, "I should have asked before, but do you have herpes?"
Guy says, "No, I'm clean"
Girl responds, "Good - I don't want to get that shit again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ykam7/two_drunk_students_meet_in_a_bar_on_spring_break/
%
What do you call a disobedient feline pirate?

A mew-tineer!
And what do you call a genetically altered cow?
A moo-tant, of course!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yk9s5/what_do_you_call_a_disobedient_feline_pirate/
%
When you wish upon a star,

wish upon Proxima Centari. At 4.2 light years away it's likely to have the best return time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yk7js/when_you_wish_upon_a_star/
%
A teacher is asking children how their weekend went...

And young Johnny said, "It was great, Miss! Me and my Dad went to the outback! We stuck big sticks of dynamite up cane toads' arses!"
The teacher replies, "Johnny! The correct term is 'rectum'."
"That's right, Miss! Wrecked 'em! Blew 'em to bits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yk5kk/a_teacher_is_asking_children_how_their_weekend/
%
A blonde is trying to put together a puzzle

She simply cannot figure out how to do it, so she calls her boyfriend.
He asks her: "What is the puzzle is supposed to look like when finished?"  and she replies, " it's supposed to look like a tiger."
He drives to her house, and when he gets there, he begins laughing hysterically.
"Why are you laughing?" She asks.
"These are Frosted Flakes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yjxap/a_blonde_is_trying_to_put_together_a_puzzle/
%
Lost three toes in a wood-chopping accident and my girlfriend dumped me

Said she's lack-toes intolerant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yjtax/lost_three_toes_in_a_woodchopping_accident_and_my/
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A man marries a Jewish woman, and for their honeymoon they go to Israel. The mother-in-law insists that she come along.

Reluctantly, the couple allows her along the trip. After only two days, the mother-in-law has a heart attack and dies.
The daughter is so distraught that the husband is left to make all the funeral arrangements by himself. He's sitting in the undertaker's office when he walks back in.
"Well," says the undertaker, "I've got some bad news. If you want to ship the body back to the States, it's going to end up costing you around $50,000. That's the lowest I could negotiate. However, I talked to a man I know. If you'd like, we could bury her right here in Jerusalem for only $300."
The man thinks for a moment and says, "No, I want her shipped back."
The undertaker looks surprised, "I don't think you understand. It's going to cost $50,000 just to get her there, never mind the extra costs of whatever services you choose once you return. But we could have a great service for her and bury her right here in the capital of Holy Land of her people for a lot less money."
The husband says, "I don't think YOU understand. Two thousand years ago, you buried a guy here, and three days later he came back from the dead. I'm not taking any chances with this bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yjsg0/a_man_marries_a_jewish_woman_and_for_their/
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How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yjrde/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus-stop and a Lobster with boobs?

one is a Crusty bus station, and the other is a Busty Crustacean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yjm81/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_busstop_and/
%
Why did the sperm cross the street?

Because i put on the wrong socks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yjea3/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_street/
%
What is a ghost's favorite type of porn?

Boo-kakke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yjbwp/what_is_a_ghosts_favorite_type_of_porn/
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An Elderly Couple are at home...

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.  Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yj3h8/an_elderly_couple_are_at_home/
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Why did my family serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap for Christmas breakfast?

Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yj26p/why_did_my_family_serve_eggs_benedict_on_a_hubcap/
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A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yj12r/a_jewish_businessman_in_brooklyn/
%
What did 0 say to 1?

You're turning me on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yj0uq/what_did_0_say_to_1/
%
It's hard following a clown act

My girlfriend dated a clown before we started going together.
I've got some pretty big shoes to fill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yits5/its_hard_following_a_clown_act/
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My dad said "Always leave them wanting more."

That's how he lost his job in disaster relief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yioij/my_dad_said_always_leave_them_wanting_more/
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I used to think an ocean of soda existed.

Turns out it was just Fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yinha/i_used_to_think_an_ocean_of_soda_existed/
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What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yijlq/whats_a_horny_pirates_worst_nightmare/
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What do pirates call fat whores?

LAND HO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yifdo/what_do_pirates_call_fat_whores/
%
Why do Native Americans hate snow?

It's white and on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yibze/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
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My 10 y.o. son cracked this joke on the driving range today.

I sliced the hell out of the ball. My son watched it land, turned to me and said, "that ball was like Star Trek Voyager ... way off course."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yibti/my_10_yo_son_cracked_this_joke_on_the_driving/
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What's the difference between spinach and sodomy?

None really. You can add as much butter as you want, kids just won't enjoy them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yianj/whats_the_difference_between_spinach_and_sodomy/
%
Hunting overload!

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting.
They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls.
The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk, But the pilot objected he said,
"The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."
One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it.
They crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other Hunter.
"Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yiadi/hunting_overload/
%
Why do you never wanna see an elevator in a horror game?

Cuz you know something's about to go down.
Im sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yi8uu/why_do_you_never_wanna_see_an_elevator_in_a/
%
So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.

Well, I've got some news for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yi6tx/so_my_girlfriend_told_me_to_choose_between_our/
%
I bought some dog scented cologne the other day...

Now I get all the bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yi06z/i_bought_some_dog_scented_cologne_the_other_day/
%
What did the yoga teacher say to her land lord when he tried to evict her?

Nah Imma stay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yhyhr/what_did_the_yoga_teacher_say_to_her_land_lord/
%
Two Irish fellas staggering home from the pub one night....

They're walking past the bus depot and Paddy says to Mick, "Mick, jump in there and steal a bus, we're far too drunk to be walking home".
Mick disappears into the bus depot, and 20mins later still no sign of Mick or a stolen bus.  Paddy goes off to look for him.
Paddy finds Mick wandering round the bus depot looking confused, "What ye doing there Mick, I thought I told ye to get us a bus".
Mick says, "Aye, but there's no No.42 Paddy".
Paddy replies, "Well just steal a No.38 and we'll jump off at the bottom of our street".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yhy43/two_irish_fellas_staggering_home_from_the_pub_one/
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Where was Soloman's temple located?

On the side of his head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yhvgf/where_was_solomans_temple_located/
%
Guy takes his wife to the doctor

after his wife has been consulting with the doctor for 10 minutes, the doctor asks the husband for a word in private.
Doctor explains to the woman's husband, "look, its one of two possibilities, but I'm not sure which one".
Confused, the husband asks "Well what are they then?"
"Well sir, she either has AIDS or Amnesia".
"Jesus, there's a bit of a difference there doc.  What do we do?".
"You have a car with you?" the doctor asks.
Confused, the man replies "of course I've got a fucking car with me, whats that got to do with it?".
The doctor looks at him and calmly says "well, on the way home from here, I want you to drop her off 2 miles from your house.....if she gets home, dont sleep with her"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yho4d/guy_takes_his_wife_to_the_doctor/
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After robbing a bank, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead

duck into an alley where they hide in potato sacks. The cops first go to the sack with the brunette in it and kick it. The brunette says, "Meow." They go to the sack with the redhead and kick it. She says, "Woof, woof." Last, they kick the sack with the blonde, and she says, "Po-ta-to."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yhng6/after_robbing_a_bank_a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a/
%
I went to a zoo that only had a dog...

It was a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yhkqo/i_went_to_a_zoo_that_only_had_a_dog/
%
What are two letters a Brit can't live without?

T and Qs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yhh6e/what_are_two_letters_a_brit_cant_live_without/
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What kind of organization is Atheism?

Non-prophet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yhaia/what_kind_of_organization_is_atheism/
%
So a couple is sitting in couples therapy...

The wife says to the therapist, "He acts uninterested in me and sex is almost impossible with his tiny penis". Then the therapist replies, "Sounds like he's just not that into you!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yha2j/so_a_couple_is_sitting_in_couples_therapy/
%
What's the similarity between a woman & a condom? [NSFW]

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yh9k0/whats_the_similarity_between_a_woman_a_condom_nsfw/
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A Man asks his lover in a restaurant

Man : Honey, what do you love most about me?
Woman : I love your company the most darling!
Man : Wow really? that is so sweet of you my love
Woman : Um, it's still making money right?
*edit :forgot to mention that I remember this joke from Benny Hills show, not my own joke
*edit 2 : Benny Hills not Benn, autocorrect strikes again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yh8kx/a_man_asks_his_lover_in_a_restaurant/
%
A pony walks into a bar.

"I'll have a beer" says the pony, in a raspy voice.
"Come again?" Says the bartender.
"I'll have a beer" says the pony, in a raspy voice, yet again.
"I can't understand you, your voice is too raspy" says the bartender.
The pony says "Sorry, I am a little horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yh8c2/a_pony_walks_into_a_bar/
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A mom buys an old parrot from a whorehouse..

A mom buys an old parrot in a whorehouse and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.
As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.
Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.
Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yh4ft/a_mom_buys_an_old_parrot_from_a_whorehouse/
%
I hate it when people want to argue over the use and meaning of words. For example, I like to think of myself as a "ladies man."

But the jury preferred the term "rapist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ygzkc/i_hate_it_when_people_want_to_argue_over_the_use/
%
What do you call an overweight psychic?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ygr3j/what_do_you_call_an_overweight_psychic/
%
I went out with a girl the other night who turned out to be really weird

I guess the fact that she said she was a communist should have been a big red flag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ygnlb/i_went_out_with_a_girl_the_other_night_who_turned/
%
I wanted to be an investment banker when I grew up

Then I lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ygg1y/i_wanted_to_be_an_investment_banker_when_i_grew_up/
%
Three vampires walk into a bar...

The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+" and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".
The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a used tampon out of his cloak pocket replies "Can't a guy just enjoy a GODDAMNED TEA!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ygdpy/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between Batman and black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robbin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ygban/whats_the_difference_between_batman_and_black_man/
%
BILL and an TOM go into a bakery...

The bill immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to tom, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." Tom says to the bill, "That's typical of you bill . I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Tom swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Bill swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
Tom replies, "Look in Bills back pocket....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yg9n6/bill_and_an_tom_go_into_a_bakery/
%
Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...

... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'
Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'
Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'
Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and
Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.
After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yg6aw/two_men_with_alzheimers_are_sat_in_a_park/
%
Why is there only women's studies in college, but not men's?

Because we call men's studies history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yfxo5/why_is_there_only_womens_studies_in_college_but/
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Wife comes back from the doctor and says to her husband: - Honey, I have a sad news - a gynecologist told me not have sex for a three weeks...

Husband: And what did the dentist say?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yfqso/wife_comes_back_from_the_doctor_and_says_to_her/
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[NSFW] What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yfq7h/nsfw_what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
What do Volkswagen and a boy going through puberty have in common?

They both lie about their emissions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yfq51/what_do_volkswagen_and_a_boy_going_through/
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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

"See you next month."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yfp5p/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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How do you circumcise a Trump supporter?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yfmul/how_do_you_circumcise_a_trump_supporter/
%
How do you get a fat lady in a car?

Piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yfkzf/how_do_you_get_a_fat_lady_in_a_car/
%
What do you get if you play a country music song backwards?

You get your wife back. Your house back. Your truck back. Your dog back...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yfkgp/what_do_you_get_if_you_play_a_country_music_song/
%
SJWs have called for the symbols < and > to be banned from math.

Because all numbers are equal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yfi84/sjws_have_called_for_the_symbols_and_to_be_banned/
%
If the rumors about Apple manufacturing a driverless car...

Then I can't wait to drive into the middle of the Atlantic ocean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yf8yw/if_the_rumors_about_apple_manufacturing_a/
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Why did Elton John have to go to hospital after the Queen concert?

They found traces of Mercury in him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yf8to/why_did_elton_john_have_to_go_to_hospital_after/
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A blind man applys for a job at a sawmill...

During his interview the manager asks "why shoud i hire you? your blind!". "well thats simple" the man replies, "I can tell you what kind of wood any board is by smell alone." "well see about that" says the manager. He leaves and returns with a board and lays it on the desk "well what kind of wood is this?". The blind man smells, "could you flip it over please?" The manager flips it, smells again. "simple" he states "this is birch, easy!" So the manager returns with a different board, same thing, He requests him to flip it, smells. "easy again, its white pine!". "alright" replies the manager " Iv'e got a good one for you now" he leaves the room and gets the secretary to strip naked and lay on the desk. "what kind of wood is this then?" The man smells, asks for the board to be turned over, smells again. "Aha! You thought you could trick me, but i know exactly what this is. Is a spruce door from the shitter in a tuna fish boat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yf6ug/a_blind_man_applys_for_a_job_at_a_sawmill/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar . . .

The first chemist asks for H2O.  The second chemist says, "I will have some H2O, too."  Then the second chemist says, "Ah the hell with it I'll have some C2H6O instead."  Then the first chemist realizing he had failed to poison his nemisis says, "YOLO, I'll have some C2H6O, too."  The second chemist waits a week and then marries the first chemist's wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yf5v5/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
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Panda Joke

A panda walks into a brothel and is looking for a girl to have sex with, he looks through all the people and eventually picks one. The panda and the woman go upstairs and do what brothels are meant for, but when they finish the panda runs away as fast as he can This happens several times until the owner of the brothel finally stops him. "You need to pay all the money you owe!" "What?" replied the panda. "These are prostitutes! Do you know what that means?" asked the owner. "No" says the panda. "Well look it up!" screams the owner. So the panda looks it up and it says "Has sex for money." The panda then gets a brilliant idea, "I'm a panda, look it up." The panda then leaves. The owner, so furious, looks it up and it says under panda "Eats bush and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yf5tq/panda_joke/
%
Have you heard the one about the 12 inch pianist?

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”
And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”
So the bartender is understandably ashamed.
And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.
And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”
And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”
But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”
And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”
And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”
So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.
And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”
And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”
And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”
And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”
And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”
And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!
And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”
And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”
And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.
And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.
And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”
And the pianist is, like, “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!”
And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.
And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, “My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him.” And he starts weeping.
And the bartender’s, like, “No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.”
And the pianist is, like, “That’s not true. I’m worthless!”
And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, “Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.”
And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.
So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.
So the guy’s, like, “Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.”
And the genie’s, like, “Who says they’re broken?” And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.
And the guy’s, like, “Well done.”
And then the genie says, “That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.”
And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.
And the genie’s, like, “I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.”
And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yf1nm/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_12_inch_pianist/
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde guy..

...were doing construction work on scaffolding at the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said: "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch and exclaimed, Burritos again!"
If I get burritos one more time in my lunch, I'm ging to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again!
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw the corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.
The blonde opened his lunch bucket, saw the bologna sandwich and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage.
I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yf1na/an_irishman_a_mexican_and_a_blonde_guy/
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What's the best thing about being born on 9/11/99?

You had the two biggest candles on your second birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yf0pu/whats_the_best_thing_about_being_born_on_91199/
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What's the difference between a fedora and a fedina?

"A fedina? What's a fedina?"
"*a-Spaghetti and meatballs!*"
Try it out. Just try it. This holiday season.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yeyjn/whats_the_difference_between_a_fedora_and_a_fedina/
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Husband takes the wife to a disco

. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yexap/husband_takes_the_wife_to_a_disco/
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My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful.

I told her, "urinate out of ten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yev8v/my_girlfriend_peed_her_pants_and_asked_me_if_she/
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Christmas these days is a lot like having sex

The build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yeu1f/christmas_these_days_is_a_lot_like_having_sex/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yeqy2/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
%
Why did Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia never get together?

Because Luke was looking for love in Alderaan places!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yeq35/why_did_luke_skywalker_and_princess_leia_never/
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A Russian joke about the police.

A police officer is called up by his boss and he says:
-I've been looking through the records and you haven't been collecting your paycheck.
The officer replies:
-Paycheck? I thought we just get a pistol and then we're on our own!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yepcr/a_russian_joke_about_the_police/
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Two Mexicans are lost in a desert after crossing into the United States...

They are wandering aimlessly and starving, and they are just about to lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
>"Hey Pepe, are you smelling what I smell?  Ees bacon, I theenk"
>"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's fried bacon, there's raw bacon, there's back bacon, there's double smoked bacon - there's every imaginable kind of cured pork!
>"Pepe! Pepe! We ees saved!  Ees a bacon tree!"
>"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
>"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
>"Pepe... go back man, you were right, ees not a bacon tree!"
>"Luis... Luis mi amigo... what ees it... tell me! "
>"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree.  Ees...
> Ees...
> Ees...
> Ees...
> Ees a ham bush...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yelz9/two_mexicans_are_lost_in_a_desert_after_crossing/
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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the Moon?

The food's ok, but it has no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yeker/did_you_hear_about_the_new_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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Financial statistics of gay couples.

I read a study recently that showed some gay couples are better off than straight couples, while other gay couples are worse off. For example, since men are the highest earning on average, two gay men cohabiting will have a higher combined wage than a hetero couple with one man and one woman. Two gay women will make the lowest combined earnings on average, which puts them in a worse position financially.
But then you've got to add on top of that how often they eat out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yeipx/financial_statistics_of_gay_couples/
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Temper cure

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yehas/temper_cure/
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Why was the topologist confident about performing a vasectomy?

Because open balls are in his neighborhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yeh05/why_was_the_topologist_confident_about_performing/
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What's worse than finding half a worm in an apple?

Finding a vein in a hot dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yegt9/whats_worse_than_finding_half_a_worm_in_an_apple/
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A joke from my grandfather

Billy walks into the office one day looking very excited. He rounds up all the other guys in the office and says "I found the greatest horse in the world, and if we all bet on him in the next race, we could all be rich."
"What makes you think this horse is so great?" asks a skeptical co-worker.
"Well," says Billy, "this horse has never been ridden."
"This is ridiculous," says the co-worker, "if this horse has never even been ridden, how can you be so sure it's a good racer?"
"Well they couldn't catch him until today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yegot/a_joke_from_my_grandfather/
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yefpd/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
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So on the 12th day of Christmas I called my true love and said ...

... The hell am I supposed to do with all this crap?
I mean the first day was cute with the partridge and the pear tree, and even the second day, with the two turtledoves and the bonus partridge and pear tree.  But then it started getting ridiculous.
Now I've got to feed and house 12 drummers, 22 pipers, 30 lords, 36 ladies, 40 milk maids, 42 swans, 42 geese, 36 calling birds, 30 french hens, 22 turtledoves, and 12 partridges each in its own pear tree.
I mean sure, there'll be a few eggs, milk and pears to go around, and I can sell the 40 golden rings to raise some funds.  But that's really not going to go far at all, particularly with the high-maintenance demands of all those lords and ladies - I guess I'll just have to serve them a bunch of roasted swans for the time being.
So please, next time just get me a Pet Rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yedos/so_on_the_12th_day_of_christmas_i_called_my_true/
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I think my dad and I have the best relationship ever

We've been playing Hide n Seek for nearly 22 years and I still can't find him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ye9qo/i_think_my_dad_and_i_have_the_best_relationship/
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One day a wife complained..

"This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ye8mc/one_day_a_wife_complained/
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Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ye8hf/wife_i_look_fat_can_you_give_me_a_compliment/
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I asked a chinese girl for her number...

She replied "sex! sex! sex!...Freeee sex tonight!"
I said "wow", then her friend said "She means 6663629"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ye7x6/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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What's the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?

Snowballs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ye7nj/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes

, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ye6wo/a_little_girl_and_boy_are_fighting_about_the/
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3 Men With Parkinson's.

Three men with Parkinson's are sitting in a bar, and one says to the other two, "Eurgh, life is so hard, it took me ten minutes to open my front door his morning!"
Another says, "You think you have it hard? It took me fifteen minutes to butter some toast!"
To which the third man replies "You guys have it easy, I came three times trying to take a piss!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ye45w/3_men_with_parkinsons/
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A drunk man walks into a bar...

... and a table... and a chair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ye29t/a_drunk_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A North Korean farmer is finally rewarded after fifty years of hard labour for the State

A party official visits the farmer in his simple living quarters and proclaims
"Comrade, for your hard work and absolute dedication to the great leader and the Democratic People's Republic, we would like to reward you with a car"
The humble farmer nods silently to show his appreciation, the party official continues;
"As you know, North Korean industry is the the most powerful and efficient in the world, and as such we will have your car delivered to you in exactly 8 years"
The humble farmer then signals to the official to wait, and he crosses the room to check his calendar. After flipping through for some time he finally says;
"Morning or afternoon?"
The party official is rather offended, and remarks "comrade, you are being given a car! And that privilege aside, delivery is 8 years away, what does it matter if its morning or afternoon?"
To which the farmer responds "Well, the plumber is coming in the morning..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ye25y/a_north_korean_farmer_is_finally_rewarded_after/
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Breastfeeding a baby

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when a gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said: "Come on, drink it or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out: "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ydztu/breastfeeding_a_baby/
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A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says

I'm looking for the man who shot my paw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ydz2j/a_three_legged_dog_walks_into_a_saloon_and_says/
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Only 4 days left to use this joke

I hate it when people ask me where I see myself in 5 years time. I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ydsdz/only_4_days_left_to_use_this_joke/
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What's DJ Khaleds favourite number?

11, because it has another one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ydru2/whats_dj_khaleds_favourite_number/
%
A sandwich walks into a bar.

The
barman says: “Sorry, we don’t
serve food in here.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ydrjs/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ydrd5/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_with_the_lapd/
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Jeff and Don are singing deck the halls....

When they both suddenly die part way through the song.
They are reincarnated as ass-less chaps. Jeff   looks over and says:  "Don,  we now are gay apparel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ydp4x/jeff_and_don_are_singing_deck_the_halls/
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I made a bold statement by not buying two night-stands for my bedroom.

I'm a one night stand kind of man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ydou6/i_made_a_bold_statement_by_not_buying_two/
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Went to take my dog with no legs for a walk in the park...

now its a dragon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ydlda/went_to_take_my_dog_with_no_legs_for_a_walk_in/
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Did you know that each condom has a serial number printed on it?

I guess you have never had to roll it back that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ydhum/did_you_know_that_each_condom_has_a_serial_number/
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Best drink specials

A Californian, a Texan and an Oregonian are shooting the shit when the topic of bars with the best drink specials comes up.
The Texan says, "I was at a bar the other night where every beer is 25 cents during happy hour."
The Californian says "Oh yeah, well this other bar I know offers that same special, plus after you buy 6 beers you get a free cheeseburger."
The Oregonian, not to be outdone, gets excited and says "Ha, that's nice, but I know a place where every single drink is free and at the end of the night you get laid in the parking lot."
"What? That's amazing!", the other two say, "how did you find that place?"
"My wife told me", he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ydg8e/best_drink_specials/
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A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella?  The bear says "  Give me a .........................................................beer."  The bartender says" What's with the big pause?"  The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yd9yi/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yd8sh/a_blonde_woman_asks_for_a_5000_loan/
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What do you call an Chinese family with a pet dog?

Vegetarians.
Source: I'm Chinese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yd7ur/what_do_you_call_an_chinese_family_with_a_pet_dog/
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How to die from falling down stairs:

Step 1
Step 2
Step 4
Step 9
Step 22
Step 23﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yd5w5/how_to_die_from_falling_down_stairs/
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Your mother and I are getting a divorce after 45 years of marriage.

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yd3ua/your_mother_and_i_are_getting_a_divorce_after_45/
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I heard about this new sex position that I really want to try.

It's called:
With another person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yd3ri/i_heard_about_this_new_sex_position_that_i_really/
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THE BAT BET

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.
The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."
The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."
The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yd28h/the_bat_bet/
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Why was the broom late for school?

It over-swept

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yd15v/why_was_the_broom_late_for_school/
%
What is Grammar?

The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you're shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yd121/what_is_grammar/
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Wow, some people are so prepared!

Christmas is 364 days away, and some people already have their lights up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yd0bn/wow_some_people_are_so_prepared/
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What's the loneliest drink?

I dunno but its in a solo cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yd04z/whats_the_loneliest_drink/
%
I got a call from a policeman telling me my wife had been in a car accident.

"Is she ok?" I asked worriedly.
"Well, she does have two bumps and a very large gash." he replied.
"I know that, but is she injured in any way?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ycxxe/i_got_a_call_from_a_policeman_telling_me_my_wife/
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A Frenchman, a German, a Russian, and a Jew walk into a bar.

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a glass of wine?"
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a pint of beer?"
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a shot of vodka?"
The Jew wonders, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have diabetes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ycwah/a_frenchman_a_german_a_russian_and_a_jew_walk/
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the lady who loved baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold only for her to find her family and friends sitting around the table to wish her and her husband a happy anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ycq52/the_lady_who_loved_baked_beans/
%
Lee was born without legs, but he was incredibly determined to finish the triathlon.

Slow Lee but sure Lee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ycm5d/lee_was_born_without_legs_but_he_was_incredibly/
%
I've never pretended to be something I'm not...

Except sober.
I've pretended to be sober before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ycji5/ive_never_pretended_to_be_something_im_not/
%
A man asks his wife...

Husband: "Honey, how come you never shout my name when you have an orgasm?"
Wife: "Because you're never there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ycj1a/a_man_asks_his_wife/
%
What is an extremist's favourite thing to have sex with?

A blow up doll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ychu8/what_is_an_extremists_favourite_thing_to_have_sex/
%
In Mother Russia

A man asked his Russian friend: "Is it true that in Russia, sometimes you can see polar bears walking on the roads?"
His friend replied: "No, no my friend, that is completely untrue. Back in Mother Russia, there is absolutely no such thing as "roads"."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ycg30/in_mother_russia/
%
Why are oceans called "The High Seas"?

Because of all the seaweed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yccbk/why_are_oceans_called_the_high_seas/
%
An old man walks into a fertility clinic...

...and asks for a sperm count. The doctor says "Sir, you're 85 years old, for what reason could you possibly want your sperm tested?"
"My wife and I are thinking about starting another family," the old man said.
"Alright alright," said the doctor, perplexed. "Take this container and fill it up and I'll get you a sperm count."
A few days later the old man returns to the clinic with the sample jar, but it is empty.
"Doc, I tried with my left hand and my right hand," the old man explained, "and then my wife tried with her left hand, then her right hand, and then with her teeth in and again with her teeth out - and we still couldn't get that goddamned lid off the damn jar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yc4m2/an_old_man_walks_into_a_fertility_clinic/
%
The Farmer's new cock.

A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all the 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, geese and the lone parrot too.
That evening, the farmer finds the cock lying out in the open field, pale, half-dead and vultures circling over its head.
"You horny bastard! You deserve this." He tells the cock.
The cock opens 1 eye slowly, points up and replies, "Sshhhh! Don't shout.. Wait for them to land.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ybzq9/the_farmers_new_cock/
%
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great Food! No atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ybxiu/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
%
A couple is walking in communist Russia...

They feel a slight precipitation.
"Is it raining?" Said the husband.
"No, its snowing." Said the wife.
"How about we ask this communist officer here? For he is in the right always."
"Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining, comrades." Officer Rudolph says as he walks off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
My 11 year old cousin has been telling this joke to anybody with ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ybwh8/a_couple_is_walking_in_communist_russia/
%
How does Santa Claus remember which chimneys he’s been down?

He keeps a log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ybu09/how_does_santa_claus_remember_which_chimneys_hes/
%
Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I ENTERED my office, my secretary said, Happy birthday, boss! I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?Okay, I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, SURPRISE!!! while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ybtl4/why_did_i_get_divorced/
%
The Perfect Son.

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ybppr/the_perfect_son/
%
Have you heard the joke about the German sausage?

It's the wurst...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ybnu3/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_the_german_sausage/
%
If Donald Trump becomes president...

it won't be the first time he kicks a black family out of their home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ybe05/if_donald_trump_becomes_president/
%
How does Harry Potter go down a hill?

By walking.
JK. Rowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yb8g9/how_does_harry_potter_go_down_a_hill/
%
I went to a conference for leg less woman,

that place was crawling with pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yb5yt/i_went_to_a_conference_for_leg_less_woman/
%
Chicken pot pie

Three of my favorite things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yb5uc/chicken_pot_pie/
%
I swear if anyone makes fun of Mike Tyson...

I'll whoop their ath!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yb5mf/i_swear_if_anyone_makes_fun_of_mike_tyson/
%
What's worse than lime?

Sublime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yb2j0/whats_worse_than_lime/
%
A lot more happened on board the Titanic than you might think.

The movie just touched on the tip of the iceberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yaze1/a_lot_more_happened_on_board_the_titanic_than_you/
%
When you're in trouble at work, be frank.....

That way, when the boss finds out, Frank gets the blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yavxa/when_youre_in_trouble_at_work_be_frank/
%
There's no better feeling than laying next to the person you love

And they don't know you love them
Or that you're in their house again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yatzd/theres_no_better_feeling_than_laying_next_to_the/
%
Empty brain

A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yai4b/empty_brain/
%
A man lost $100 bill

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yafoc/a_man_lost_100_bill/
%
You can catch a thousand fish and your friends will never call you a fisherman...

But if you suck just one cock...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yabx9/you_can_catch_a_thousand_fish_and_your_friends/
%
Judge told her

A wife wanted to divorce her husband and told the judge it's because of his small penis.
The judge had her husband show him his penis. Then the judge agreed with the wife and says, "I can't see the problem."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ya8he/judge_told_her/
%
Man in ecstasy...

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
*"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ya6db/man_in_ecstasy/
%
A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries

First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up."
"That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?"
"We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' I dueled the ship's captain. I bested him but not before he took me hand clean off. So I got a hook to replace it."
The first mate was only more impressed, "So what's the story behind the eyepatch?"
"A seagull pooped in me eye."
"That's all? You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?"
"Well, it was me first day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y9yob/a_pirate_captain_was_telling_his_first_mate_how/
%
Always remember these 2 words in your life which will open many doors to you.

Push and pull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y9xen/always_remember_these_2_words_in_your_life_which/
%
You know what I say to people with low fiber diets.

Tough shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y9w6k/you_know_what_i_say_to_people_with_low_fiber_diets/
%
Enthusiasm

365 days until Christmas and people already have their trees up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y9w62/enthusiasm/
%
Love Story

I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and control you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.
And you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y9q30/love_story/
%
How does a faceless man from Braavos have an orgasm?

By Jaqen off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y9gwm/how_does_a_faceless_man_from_braavos_have_an/
%
What do you call painful constipation?

Excretiating pain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y9dzo/what_do_you_call_painful_constipation/
%
There was a black family...

And their kid smeared flour all over themselves.
He show his mother, "look mom, I'm white!" He said.  The mom slaps the kid and says, "wait until your father gets home.
The dad comes home and the kid shows himself, "Look dad, I'm white!" The dad slaps the kid and says, "cut that shit out."
They go over to their parents house and their parents ask the kid, "so what have you learned about being white?"
The kid said, "Well I've been white for three hours now and I already hate you niggas!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y9dpe/there_was_a_black_family/
%
Why did Hitler and Mussolini get into a footrace?

They wanted to see who was the fascist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y9by4/why_did_hitler_and_mussolini_get_into_a_footrace/
%
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?

Officer on doody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y999b/what_do_you_call_a_cop_standing_on_dog_poo/
%
Why was Zelda banned from this subreddit?

She posted a link

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y990z/why_was_zelda_banned_from_this_subreddit/
%
A man gets drunk...

and stumbles straight into a baptism being performed on the river bank.
The priest asks the man, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk agrees, and the priest dunks him into the water. The drunk is gasping for air.
'Have you found Jesus, Brother?'
'No mate, I haven't'
The priest dunks him in again and pulls him back out. The drunk thrashes around for a bit.
'Now have you found Jesus?'
'Nah bro, I haven't.'
The priest rolls his eyes and dunks the drunk one more time, and pulls him back up violently.
'HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS YET?'
The drunk, near suffocation, replies, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y970k/a_man_gets_drunk/
%
My mom asked me what i wanted for xmas. I told her some clothes and something small to play with

She gave me underwear with a hole cut in the front

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y936a/my_mom_asked_me_what_i_wanted_for_xmas_i_told_her/
%
DISEASE

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."
Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y92ni/disease/
%
I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years.

C'mon guys, I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y8z10/i_hate_it_when_people_ask_me_what_ill_be_doing_in/
%
Why are camels called "The Ships of the Desert?"

Because they're full of Arab semen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y8ypg/why_are_camels_called_the_ships_of_the_desert/
%
Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y8xa2/why_is_santa_so_jolly/
%
I like my coffee like I like my wife...

cold and bitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y8vgi/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_wife/
%
Why can't you trust stairs?

Because they are always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y8t6k/why_cant_you_trust_stairs/
%
You remember those yardsticks?

They don't make them any longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y8owx/you_remember_those_yardsticks/
%
Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?

They worked inter-mitten-ly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y8m38/did_you_hear_about_the_new_heated_childrens/
%
Batteries

I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y8hxf/batteries/
%
The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y8gmj/the_seven_dwarfs_were_in_the_bath_feeling_happy/
%
One brave student...

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y8dd5/one_brave_student/
%
What's a reindeer's favourite celebrity?

Beyonsleigh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y85in/whats_a_reindeers_favourite_celebrity/
%
A man was feeling pretty sick and went to the doctor...

After all the tests, the doctor was to write the prescription, he took a thermometer instead of a pen from his pocket and said:
"Damn! I think some asshole's got my pen..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y84us/a_man_was_feeling_pretty_sick_and_went_to_the/
%
What do you get when you throw a Canadian down a flight of stairs?

An apology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y804c/what_do_you_get_when_you_throw_a_canadian_down_a/
%
The Reporter of Puns!

There was once a reporter known for his unique puns. Every day for his newscast, he would share the news with a nice pun at the end. One day he recieved a story of ten people killed in a shooting. He delivered the story and at the end stated that there was no pun in ten dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y7zfq/the_reporter_of_puns/
%
What's the difference between an elected official and a piece of garbage?

Garbage gets thrown out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y7w7c/whats_the_difference_between_an_elected_official/
%
Sports are a lot like porn...

Great ball handling skills can make a lot of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y7rob/sports_are_a_lot_like_porn/
%
A feminist asked me how I view lesbians

Apparently 'HD' wasn't the right answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y7r3m/a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbians/
%
What do you call a group of black people?

a group, you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y7r0a/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_black_people/
%
My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow.  We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down.  The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll.
My lame joke:
>"Maybe I just like flat breasted turkeys."
Wife looks down at her chest:
>"Well now I feel self-conscious...  Wait, is that why you always turn me face down?"
Everybody starts roaring with laughter and her dad turned bright red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y7qbx/my_wifes_inappropriate_christmas_dinner_joke/
%
I prefer women with big breathing problems than big breasts.

I'm an asthma-n.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y7q18/i_prefer_women_with_big_breathing_problems_than/
%
Overheard this in the train, not a joke per se, but I found it funny

>Two dudes were talking about moving to US so  the first dude's child will have an American education.
Dude1: My wife and I were thinking that we should move to the US so our kid will have an American education?
Dude2: You dont want to do that.
Dude1: Why?
Dude2: You are telling me you want to send your child to a place where people cant tell the difference between a clock and a bomb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y7b4s/overheard_this_in_the_train_not_a_joke_per_se_but/
%
I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now.

It's really pissing me off.
It asks me, "Where do you want to go?"
So I click on the 'Home' icon and it starts all over again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y7a9e/ive_been_trying_to_buy_a_train_ticket_online_for/
%
What is E.T. short for?

It has little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y73nn/what_is_et_short_for/
%
Why does the Pope always win at chess?

He has so many Bishops!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y72b6/why_does_the_pope_always_win_at_chess/
%
Bike for Christmas

There was a young boy who wanted a new bike really badly. he goes up to his mother and asks "mom can i have a new bike" the mother replied "go write a letter to god saying why you should have a bike" the boy goes upstairs, to his room and pulled out a pen and paper. He writes, "Dear god, I have been good this year i think i deserve a bike". He decides he wasn't really good that year so he decides to write another. This time he wrote," Dear god, i have been ok this year, i should have a bike". He decided that sounded stupid. He goes downstairs and asks his mother if he can go to the church. She says it was ok. He hurries to the church, grabs a statue of Mary,Tucks it under his shirt, hurries out, then rushes home. He goes upstairs and writes "Dear God I've kidnapped your mother if you want to see her again i would like a new bike."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y7209/bike_for_christmas/
%
I'm not a doctor...

so my understanding of Parkinsons is a little shaky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y6y1z/im_not_a_doctor/
%
Why don't we elect fat presidents any more?

Because they don't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y6x9k/why_dont_we_elect_fat_presidents_any_more/
%
10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...
God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y6wp2/10_husbands_still_a_virgin/
%
Bad Christmas cracker jokes.

Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!
What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Baby reindeer!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
Santapplause!
Why was Santa little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y6urd/bad_christmas_cracker_jokes/
%
How do snowmen get around?

By icicle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y6pjl/how_do_snowmen_get_around/
%
Grandma keeps staring longingly through the window since it started snowing...

...Maybe It's time to let her back inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y6nny/grandma_keeps_staring_longingly_through_the/
%
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y6nl1/how_many_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing?

Asbestos he can.
I'm so sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y6m8c/how_is_the_85_year_old_contractor_that_survived/
%
What do you call it when you lobotomize a bunch of terrorists?

Simplifiying Radicals.
(MATH joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y6kih/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_lobotomize_a_bunch/
%
Why was the vegetable store robber embarrassed?

He got caught taking a leek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y6ghm/why_was_the_vegetable_store_robber_embarrassed/
%
What do you call a child afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y6f0o/what_do_you_call_a_child_afraid_of_santa/
%
Today we celebrate the birthday of a man who changed the way we see and understand the magic of the universe.

Happy Birthday Isaac Newton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y6c3m/today_we_celebrate_the_birthday_of_a_man_who/
%
I finally figured out why i look so bad in pictures

It's my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y6bwp/i_finally_figured_out_why_i_look_so_bad_in/
%
A chicken crosses the road...

A chicken crosses the road to go to the library. It walks inside and says to the librarian, "book"
The librarian says, "You want a book?"
"Book"
"Any old book?"
"Book"
The librarian gives the chicken a novel and off It goes. A couple hours later the check comes back and says,
"Book-Book."
The librarian says, "Now you're telling me that you want two books?"
"Book book"
She gives the chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves again only to come back one more time saying.
"Book book book"
"Three books?"
"Book book book"
The librarian gives the chicken three more novels. At this point, the librarian's curiosity is piqued so she decides to follow the chicken to see what's going on.
She trails the chicken as it leaves the library, goes down the road, out of town, into the woods and down to a swamp where there is a bullfrog. The chicken hands the books to him.
The bullfrog looks at the novels and says,
"Reddit reddit reddit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y65x2/a_chicken_crosses_the_road/
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What do Bill Cosby and Santa have in common?

They don't come until you're asleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y64m6/what_do_bill_cosby_and_santa_have_in_common/
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I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job...

...but when I got home, all the signs were there.
Few more:
* I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
* I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
* My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
* I, for one, like Roman numerals.
* People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.
* Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.
* I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.
* The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything.”
* My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
* My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
* I’ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it.
* I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
* I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
* People say I’m condescending. That means i talk down to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y62aq/i_refused_to_believe_my_road_worker_father_was/
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What do you call a pansexual guy named Nick who works at a cd store?

Pan nick at the disc co.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y61f2/what_do_you_call_a_pansexual_guy_named_nick_who/
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Horny Cock

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.
He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you.
Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm.
Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk.
"Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff."
And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.
There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen.
But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself."
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn.
His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out.
A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."
"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5zob/horny_cock/
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What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5xou/what_do_they_sing_at_a_snowmans_birthday_party/
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If you jingle my bells,

I will promise you a white Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5v3x/if_you_jingle_my_bells/
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A Priest and a Rabbi go golfing

. On the first hole, the priest hits a perfect drive right down the middle, and chips it onto the green with his very next stroke. His putt is a surefire Birdie, but he misses it. The priest throws down his putter and screams, "GODDAMMIT I MISSED!!!"
The Rabbi, shocked at this outburst, says, "Father, how dare you take the name of the lord in vain." The priest, embarrassed, apologizes.
On the next hole, the priest once again has a perfect drive, and is on the green with his very first stroke. He putts for Eagle and, again, misses. The priest falls to his knees and screams, "GODDAMMIT I MISSED!"
The Rabbi is outraged. "Father, if you take the name of our Lord in vain again, I will ask his Holiness to smite the ground upon which you stand!!" The priest, again embarrassed, apologizes.
Third hole. The priest has a beautiful drive, a beautiful chip, and misses his putt for par. The priest, no longer being able to contain his frustration, breaks his putter over his leg, falls to his knees, beats the grass and shouts, at the top of his lungs, "GODDAMMIT I MISSED!!!"
A bolt of lightning shoots down from the heavens, hits the Rabbi, and kills him instantly.
From the clouds, a booming voice says, "GODDAMMIT I MISSED."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5r63/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_go_golfing/
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What did Hitler dream of during the holidays?

A WHITE Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5oee/what_did_hitler_dream_of_during_the_holidays/
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Why do Yoda's jokes always suck?

Says the punch line first, he does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5nk1/why_do_yodas_jokes_always_suck/
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What do they call shrimp killing a bunch of other shrimp?

A krilling spree!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5m4p/what_do_they_call_shrimp_killing_a_bunch_of_other/
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Grandpa gave us all a good laugh with this one tonight.

So there's this guy who just bought a grandfather clock, its an old, one of a kind piece. After the transaction was complete he hauls the thing outta there. While he was just outside of the door this drunk stumbles up and bumps into him. knocking the clock to the ground with a loud bang and a snap. The man looked at the drunk with complete rage and let him have it. The drunk looks at the clock and then back at the man and says "The heck, why not use a wristwatch like everyone else!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5lhp/grandpa_gave_us_all_a_good_laugh_with_this_one/
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I think I just made the best dad joke ever.

My son Robbie asked how he should get Poe into his X-wing toy. I said Wedge him. I had no one else to tell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5k87/i_think_i_just_made_the_best_dad_joke_ever/
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Why do gnomes laugh when they go for a run?

Because the grass tickles their balls. Merry Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5je3/why_do_gnomes_laugh_when_they_go_for_a_run/
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Guys asks random girl on street if he can bite her tits...

Girl: "No, absolutely not!"
Guy: "What If I pay you $100?"
Girl: "No thanks. Keep your money...."
Guy: "How about $1,000?"
Girl: "I don't think so...."
Guy: "Okay lady, you drive a hard bargain. I'll give you $10,000 if you let me bite your tits!"
Girl: ".............. You know what, you've got yourself a deal."
So the guy and girl go into a secluded alley, she removers her shirt and bra. The guy begins kiss and caressing her boobs.
So the girl asks: "So are you going to bite them or what?"
Guy: "Nah. Too expensive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5ivh/guys_asks_random_girl_on_street_if_he_can_bite/
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After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor...

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5g8t/after_an_elderly_couple_starts_getting_forgetful/
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A prostitute propositions a snowman, "I can be gentle or dominant. I can be anything you want me to be."

The snowman hands her $20 and says, "Be a snow blower."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5dxb/a_prostitute_propositions_a_snowman_i_can_be/
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Wife just got me a new tv for Christmas!

Looks like my New Years resolution is 1080.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5awg/wife_just_got_me_a_new_tv_for_christmas/
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What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops after 3 ho's...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y597k/whats_the_difference_between_santa_claus_and/
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Whats the first thing a woman does when she gets to the battered shelter?

The dishes if she knows whats good for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y58ju/whats_the_first_thing_a_woman_does_when_she_gets/
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What would Jimi Hendrix be doing today if he was still alive?

Trying to get out of his grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y58j5/what_would_jimi_hendrix_be_doing_today_if_he_was/
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Who keeps the children?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y57uq/who_keeps_the_children/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y57t1/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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Why does it take southerners so long to do their chores?

Because slavery is illegal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y57nn/why_does_it_take_southerners_so_long_to_do_their/
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What do you call it when you go to the store just to use their dumbbells and then leave?

Shoplifting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y571f/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_go_to_the_store_just/
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I wonder how many kids with dyslexic parents are getting gifts from Satan tomorrow?

ZING!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y56pa/i_wonder_how_many_kids_with_dyslexic_parents_are/
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I invented a new word!

Plagiarism!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y54ue/i_invented_a_new_word/
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Kevin fills a beaker of water and places it on the machine...

"One liter of water." it read.
Kevin gasped and sat back in his chair
"This speaks volumes..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y52k5/kevin_fills_a_beaker_of_water_and_places_it_on/
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How can you tell when a fax has been sent by a blonde?

When there's a stamp on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y521i/how_can_you_tell_when_a_fax_has_been_sent_by_a/
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What do you call a night watchman with deep-set self-esteem issues?

An insecurity guard 😏

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y51jo/what_do_you_call_a_night_watchman_with_deepset/
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A book fell on my head today...

I can only blame myshelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y5105/a_book_fell_on_my_head_today/
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What do you call a person who likes white rice, and not brown rice?

A ricest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4zhk/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_likes_white_rice/
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Your answer is wrong but I like the way you think ;)

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like the way you think."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4z93/your_answer_is_wrong_but_i_like_the_way_you_think/
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What do you call 4 condoms?

For me, a year's supply.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4w4j/what_do_you_call_4_condoms/
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Donald Trump

has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4sul/donald_trump/
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I signed up to volunteer at a pro-life bake sale

I'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4pvk/i_signed_up_to_volunteer_at_a_prolife_bake_sale/
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What do you call the slums in Paris?

The baghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4lq5/what_do_you_call_the_slums_in_paris/
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fucking bank account joke

A guy goes into a bank. The clerk says,'Can I help you, sir'
He goes, ' Yea u fucking bitch I wanna open a fucking account'
Clerk, 'Please there's no need for cussin'
'Yo motherfucka I just wanna open a fuckin account.'
'Sir I'll help u but watch ur language'
So the manager comes over,' Is there a problem here?'
Dude says,' Yea mothafucka I'm trying to fuckin open a motherfuckin account an' this motherfuckin' bitch won't let me.'
'Please sir don't curse and how much are you opening the account with?'
Dude,' 7 million $$'
Manager,' And this motherfuckin bitch ain't helpin' you?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4l3k/fucking_bank_account_joke/
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Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a "waist"?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4kxz/why_is_the_space_between_a_womans_breasts_and_her/
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My favorite word is onomatopoeia..

I just like how it sounds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4k7y/my_favorite_word_is_onomatopoeia/
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what do you call a cat that copies off others' exam papers?

a cheetah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4ju1/what_do_you_call_a_cat_that_copies_off_others/
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Merry Christmas and Happy Ho idays to friends and oved ones c ose and far. B essings to you and yours this Yu e season.

This is my no-L greeting!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4ifd/merry_christmas_and_happy_ho_idays_to_friends_and/
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Yesterday, I had a problem with my computer so I called Eric...

Yesterday, I had a problem with my computer so I called Eric, a friend of mine who is very skilled with technology.
He solved the problem quickly and easily. As he was leaving, I asked him what the problem was. He replied that the issue was an "ID ten T" error.
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I enquired "What is an 'ID ten T' error?"
He replied "Write it down, I think you'll figure it out."
I wrote it down: ID10T
I used to like Eric.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4hox/yesterday_i_had_a_problem_with_my_computer_so_i/
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Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.  You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.  Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4hmu/group_therapy/
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Unfinished business

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4g9c/unfinished_business/
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What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite beer?

Yeungling. He can kill off a 12-pack by himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4g2w/whats_anakin_skywalkers_favorite_beer/
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The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4fa6/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walked_into_a/
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If you are what you eat...

I can see why some men are assholes and some women are dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4cyp/if_you_are_what_you_eat/
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Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y46l5/why_did_the_pervert_cross_the_road/
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Little Billy came home from school one day...

He asks his mother "Mom, what is a blowjob?"
She stammers, and a look of terror washes over her face as she tries to think of an appropriate response.
Overhearing this, Dad heroically swoops in to her rescue..
"Little Billy, she doesn't know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y45wb/little_billy_came_home_from_school_one_day/
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Relationships are a lot like algebra.

You look at X and try to figure out Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y40z6/relationships_are_a_lot_like_algebra/
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Husband and wife go Christmas shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the bar next to that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y3ys7/husband_and_wife_go_christmas_shopping/
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A gay guy punched me the other day for no reason.

Why? Because gay guys are fucking assholes.
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y3yiy/a_gay_guy_punched_me_the_other_day_for_no_reason/
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What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?

Snowballs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y3y6s/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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I just bought a Pontiac that sexually identifies as a Ferrari

It's a Trans Am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y3tg5/i_just_bought_a_pontiac_that_sexually_identifies/
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This is a long one, brace yourselves...

A wealthy farmer on his death bed tells his three sons that he loves them all equally so he couldn't find a fair way to split his wealth among them.
As his final wish, he asks them to seek an old friend of his, who is now a judge in the big city.
"He is a fair man. Ask him to help you sort this out" says the farmer, just before passing away.
Next week, three brothers get on their way down to the big city. As they climb down the mountain, a shepherd interrupts their journey:
"Good day folks. I seem to have lost a calf from my herd. Have you seen it, by chance?"
The eldest son asks: "Was its left eye blind?"
"Yes!", the shepherd beams.
The middle brother asks, "Was its right leg hurt?"
"Yes, it was!", says the shepherd, eagerly waiting for them to point the way.
The youngest brother raises his arm: "Was it this high?"
"That's the one!" says the shepherd.
"We haven't seen your calf" says the eldest brother.
Infuriated, the shepherd accuses them of stealing his calf.
"Well", says the youngest brother, "Why don't you come along with us? We just happen to be on our ways to see a judge. He could help us resolve this" The shepherd agrees and tags long with them.
The judge welcomes them all in his home and says he's sorry about his old friend's death.
Before they can talk about their father's final request, the shepherd insists that they tell him where his calf his and quickly tells the judge what happened. The judge asks the brothers how they know what they know.
The eldest son says, "Too easy, sir. I saw bushes on either sides of the road. Only the ones on the right side were eaten."
The middle brother chimes in, "And I've noticed the tracks on the ground. One in every four was different than the others."
The youngest brother says, "I saw dungs on our way here. Based on the color and the frequency, I surmised its age and size, by and large."
The shepherd listens to them in awe and quickly leaves the judge's home after apologizing to them several times.
The judge, also impressed, hesitates about meddling with the affairs of such brilliant young men. Do they even need his help?
He decides that he should know them better. So he asks them to stay for dinner. Wayworn brothers gratefully accept.
During the dinner, the judge excuses himself from the table and leaves the room. He begins to eavsdrop to their conversations outside the door.
"This lamb is delicious", says the eldest brother. "Too bad it was nursed by a dog." Others nod in agreement.
"The wine tastes alright" says the middle brother. "Too bad it's coming from a graveyard." Others nod in agreement.
"The judge seems like a nice guy" says the youngest brother. "Too bad he is such a fag" Again, others nod in agreement.
The judge can't believe what he just heard. He immediately calls the butcher's and asks about the lamb. The butcher confirms that the lamb was nursed by a dog after its mother died.
In utter disbelief, he calls the wine shop this time. The wine seller almost ashamedly admits that there are several graves where his supplier grows the grapes.
The judge, a happily married man with two kids, takes a deep long breath and calls his mother this time. "Mom, do you remember... anything unusual, you know, about my early years?"
The old woman, with a trembling voice, begins to tell how he was kidnapped and raped when he was just 5.
The judge hangs up the phone and enters back in the room. He tells them what happened and demands to know how the hell they knew all that.
"How else?", says the eldest brother, "Lambs don't usually have so much fat on their legs. It was obviously nursed by a different species."
"How else", says the younger brother. "The wine tastes strong and almost rusty. You can't find any other place around here with such soil", he explains.
"How else", says the youngest brother. "You have a fucking poster of Justin Bieber on the wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y3qro/this_is_a_long_one_brace_yourselves/
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Divorce

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y3qi4/divorce/
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Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven

Where they are met by Saint Peter.
"In order to get in," he tells them, " you must each produce something representative of the holidays."
The first digs through his pocket and pulls out a match and lights it.
" this represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter allows the first man through.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them.
" these are bells." He says. Peter allows him through also.
" so," Peter says to third man, " what do you have?"
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
" what do those have to do with Christmas?" Asks Peter.
" they're Carol's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y3q0b/three_men_die_on_christmas_eve_and_go_to_heaven/
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Recruiting

Received a call from a recruitment consultant. She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!
I replied : Yes. I know
There was a long silence and then she said:- asshole
I replied:- I prefer the other one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y3nfn/recruiting/
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[Joke Request] Tell me your sheep jokes.

Hi /r/jokes.
I'm not much of a joke person. I never know any, and I don't even really enjoy them. Sorry.
But I have this (Welsh) friend see, who loves them - and it's become tradition that in between beers, he tells joke after joke while giving me a hard time about not knowing any. We don't meet often, what with living countries apart, but meeting time is approaching rapidly... and hopefully, that's where you come in.
He's Welsh, and mildly annoyed at sheep jokes - just like I'm mildly annoyed at the quantity of jokes.
So, this year (or well, technically next year) I'd like to give him some tit-for-tat.
If I could counter any joke he tells me with a sheep-joke; I get to win.
All help appreciated!
Tl;Dr: Have Welsh Friend - As a sheep shot, I need jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y3ig7/joke_request_tell_me_your_sheep_jokes/
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What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka?

Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y3ibp/whats_a_jedis_favorite_brand_of_vodka/
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The second fastest thing in a bathroom is the speed in which your butt-hole closes after a log comes out, but what is the fastest thing in a bathroom?

The drop of water that makes it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y3b8t/the_second_fastest_thing_in_a_bathroom_is_the/
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They weren't pleased that I played I heavy metal song in the church

but I resolved it on Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y3as6/they_werent_pleased_that_i_played_i_heavy_metal/
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Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y3ame/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_dyslexic_devil/
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What do you call a bear with martial arts skills?

Grizz Lee.
^I'll ^see ^myself ^out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y3a9e/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_martial_arts_skills/
%
My love life is like Santa Claus.

It exists thanks to gullible six year olds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y392k/my_love_life_is_like_santa_claus/
%
What do you call it when Daniel Craig has kinky sex?

Bondage!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y38ws/what_do_you_call_it_when_daniel_craig_has_kinky/
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What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves! Just kidding. I don't know what he got.
He hasn't opened it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y38in/what_did_the_boy_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
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What do you call a gay loaf of bread?

A faguette
^^^^I ^^^^just ^^^^made ^^^^this ^^^^up ^^^^and ^^^^I'm ^^^^so ^^^^proud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y379j/what_do_you_call_a_gay_loaf_of_bread/
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Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective

Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate.
The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) and other non-Christian religions, this reduces his customer base by 85%, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, presuming there is at least one good child in each, that comes to 108 million homes.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 household visits per second.
This is to say that for each house, Santa has a bit more than 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and arrive at the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the Earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles between households – a total trip of 75.5 million miles (not counting bathroom stops or breaks). This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run 15 miles an hour at best.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element to our calculations. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a two pound Lego set (medium sized), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons (not counting Santa himself, who is, by reputation, rather plump). On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that a “flying” reindeer could pull ten times this amount, the job couldn’t be done with eight or even nine of them: Santa would need 360,000 reindeer. This increases the payload, not counting the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would each absorb 14.3 quintillion (14,300,000,000,000,000,000) joules of energy per second. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. This would be right about the same time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that that matters, though, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore: If Santa ever did exist, he’s dead now.
Merry Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y36wl/is_there_a_santa_claus_an_engineers_perspective/
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What's long, green, and smells like bacon?

Kermit's finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y36r4/whats_long_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
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The average person has sex 89 times a year

This is going to be one hell of a week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y32g7/the_average_person_has_sex_89_times_a_year/
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Two guys meet at a bar. "My wife ran off with my best friend Peter..."

"Oh no, when did this happen?"
"Yesterday."
"And since when is Peter your best friend?"
"Yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y31jq/two_guys_meet_at_a_bar_my_wife_ran_off_with_my/
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What do the female reindeer do when they want some fun?

They go into town and blow a few bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y30wd/what_do_the_female_reindeer_do_when_they_want/
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I called my friend in North Korea and asked how he was.

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y30c8/i_called_my_friend_in_north_korea_and_asked_how/
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How did Peter Parker know Mary Jane was cheating on him?

He spied her man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2ty8/how_did_peter_parker_know_mary_jane_was_cheating/
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Why was Santa upset when he got a sweater for Christmas?

Because he was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2rz2/why_was_santa_upset_when_he_got_a_sweater_for/
%
Saw a tv for sale on eBay for £5. Only problem was the volume button was broken.....

How can I turn that down?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2m6u/saw_a_tv_for_sale_on_ebay_for_5_only_problem_was/
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How does Moses make coffee?

Hebrews it :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2m4x/how_does_moses_make_coffee/
%
I met a little boy today.

He was sitting on the curb, dressed in rags. He had his face in his hands and it looked like he was crying.
I felt kinda bad he was all alone, so I went and sat down beside him.
I said, "Are you an orphan, little guy?"
As he looked up, his eyes were still red and his cheeks still wet. He managed to crack a small smile.
"Yeah. What gave me away?"
I leaned in close and whispered,
"Your parents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2kj2/i_met_a_little_boy_today/
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I'm starting a career by putting bombs in prayer mats

I think prophets will go through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2hyl/im_starting_a_career_by_putting_bombs_in_prayer/
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Two middle aged men went to the gym for a workout.

As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt.
"Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man.
The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2h2c/two_middle_aged_men_went_to_the_gym_for_a_workout/
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A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex...

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once.  If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."
The husband says, "OK if you want to have sex, pull my dick once.  If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2gz5/a_deaf_couple_wants_to_know_when_to_have_sex/
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Confucius says: Woman who sleeps with judge.....

receives honorable discharge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2fwn/confucius_says_woman_who_sleeps_with_judge/
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A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm

. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.
Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe them.
You know, these politicians. They can lie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2fdu/a_farmer_saw_a_plane_full_of_politicians_crash/
%
Why do christians burn fossil fuels?

They're trying to destroy the evidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2cxq/why_do_christians_burn_fossil_fuels/
%
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?

It's not hard..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2c06/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nudist_beach/
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Three flees who are living in a woman's body

are talking to each other. The first one, who lives in the ear, says: "Well, my life is very easy: my house gets brushed every weak. It's hygienic, and I'm satisfied".
The second one lives in the belly button. He says: "My house is also beautiful. It gets cleaned even every day, and I love it to live there".
The third flee has his house in the vagina of the woman. He says: "All the day, my house is clean. But every night, a blind baldhead appears. He don't know wether he wants to get in or stay out, and after a while, he pukes in my living room. Eww!".
PS: I'm from germany. Sorry for the bad grammar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2bnq/three_flees_who_are_living_in_a_womans_body/
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What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day.
Anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2bgg/whats_the_difference_between_anal_and_oral_sex/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2ab0/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
I made a belt, entirely composed of watches

It was a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y2a8h/i_made_a_belt_entirely_composed_of_watches/
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What do you call movie night at Bill Cosby's house?

Netflix and pill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y21w4/what_do_you_call_movie_night_at_bill_cosbys_house/
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I say this to girls at the bar, gets tons of laughs everytime.

"So, what's your number?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y21iu/i_say_this_to_girls_at_the_bar_gets_tons_of/
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The PC term for Christmas

C:\hristmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y1xrt/the_pc_term_for_christmas/
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McGregor, the Bridgebuilder

Two Scotsman were sitting on top of a hill that overlooked their small village. During a break in the conversation, one man lets out a sigh as he's looking down at his village, and his friend asks him what's wrong.
"Look at that town down there." he replied. "You see the bridge crossing the river that leads into our village? I built that bridge with my own two bare hands. But do they call me McGregor, the Bridgebuilder? No.
"And you see the Church in the middle of our village, overlooking the square? Well I built that Church with my own two bare hands. And do they call me...McGregor, the Churchbuilder? No."
He pauses, and looks over at his friend. "But fuck ONE sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y1wok/mcgregor_the_bridgebuilder/
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Skin Graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y1vg4/skin_graft/
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Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because the didn't have the guts to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y1tih/why_couldnt_the_skeleton_cross_the_road/
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Saw some snails fighting in my driveway...

They were really slugging it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y1swe/saw_some_snails_fighting_in_my_driveway/
%
A farmer has 178 cows roaming freely in his field.

After he rounds them up, he has 200 cows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y1quj/a_farmer_has_178_cows_roaming_freely_in_his_field/
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$10 COMPLAINT

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y1mht/10_complaint/
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Came up with this joke this morning in the shower.

I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y1hqu/came_up_with_this_joke_this_morning_in_the_shower/
%
Why did the stoner go to the chapel?

To marry Jane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y1hax/why_did_the_stoner_go_to_the_chapel/
%
Why did the scarecrow win so many awards?

Because he was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y1fwk/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_so_many_awards/
%
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colors?

He had a reptile-dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y1beu/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_that_couldnt/
%
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a *great* year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y12rt/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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What does a priest and a second place runner have in common? (NSFW)

They both came in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y11pr/what_does_a_priest_and_a_second_place_runner_have/
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Did you hear the one about the guy who had to go to the ER with six toy horses in his anus?

They listed his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y0xha/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_guy_who_had_to_go/
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Rednecks git-n-er done!

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do you for?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith... He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, be he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day the Sheriff and his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, after the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil, this here is Flloyd... Did the Sheriff come?
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood for the winter?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y0vsn/rednecks_gitner_done/
%
What is Donald Trump's favorite Christmas song?

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y0v8f/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_christmas_song/
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As a child I wanted to be a personal trainer but I ended up as a politician.

At least I still convince absolute idiots that change is being made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y0u37/as_a_child_i_wanted_to_be_a_personal_trainer_but/
%
How do you blind an Asian?

Put a windshield in front of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y0u14/how_do_you_blind_an_asian/
%
Where do poor meatballs live?

In the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y0qxo/where_do_poor_meatballs_live/
%
Why are 9/11 victims great readers?

They can go through 90 stories in 10 seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y0q3z/why_are_911_victims_great_readers/
%
A woman comes home to find her daughter naked...

When she sees it l, she says "why are you not wearing any clothes?". The daughter replied "this is my sex dress, I do this when ever I want my boy friend to have sex with me.". The mom says "oh I should try this with my boyfriend. And so later that night she gets naked and waits for her boyfriend to get home "he walks in the door and says "why are you not wearing any clothes?" And she says "daughter told me to wear my sex dress when I want to have sex with you" and her boyfriend said "well it could use a little ironing"
I had a customer where I work tell me this and I was dying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y0nmi/a_woman_comes_home_to_find_her_daughter_naked/
%
Why doesn't Santa have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and it's always down the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y0n2o/why_doesnt_santa_have_any_children/
%
I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y0gz7/ive_been_fired_from_work_for_putting_in_too_many/
%
Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant.

Ten minutes into the meal, Luke’s still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, “Use the forks, Luke.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y0fow/luke_and_obiwan_walk_into_a_chinese_restaurant/
%
I got a dog for my wife.

It was a good trade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y0d52/i_got_a_dog_for_my_wife/
%
A man goes to his doctor

.
Man: "I'm worried doc. My penis is bright orange".
Doctor:" Well let me take a look"
The man takes out his penis and lo and behold it's bright orange.
The doctor scratches his head and asks
"Have you eaten anything unusual lately or been anywhere different?"
The man replies "No I've just been sitting at home as usual watching porn and eating cheetos"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y0bxp/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who where expecting a ternary joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y0ahl/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Why I don't watch science documentaries with my mum.

Man on TV: Microwaves travel at the speed of light
Mum: Fuck me, that's impressive. Microwaves are heavy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y08vg/why_i_dont_watch_science_documentaries_with_my_mum/
%
I like making money

It's a lot easier than earning it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y080v/i_like_making_money/
%
What do Aids, Syphilis and Chlamydia have in common?

Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y03aj/what_do_aids_syphilis_and_chlamydia_have_in_common/
%
What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears?

A gf gif gift grift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xztz1/whats_it_called_when_you_commission_someone_to/
%
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well hung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xzsma/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_with_fat_fingers/
%
Cheating is one of the worst things a person can do.

But that is not the worst part. The worst part is that I just found out all my current partners are doing it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xzq4d/cheating_is_one_of_the_worst_things_a_person_can/
%
Why did Kelly Clarkson cross the road?

Because of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xznya/why_did_kelly_clarkson_cross_the_road/
%
What do you call a vegetable that's kinda cool?

Rad-ish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xzll6/what_do_you_call_a_vegetable_thats_kinda_cool/
%
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a sheep?

Banned from the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xzerr/what_do_you_get_when_you_inject_human_dna_into_a/
%
You hear about the highly-productive pastry factory that has trouble retaining employees?

It has a high turnover rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xzda4/you_hear_about_the_highlyproductive_pastry/
%
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. That's a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xzd85/how_many_software_engineers_does_it_take_to/
%
My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xzd4c/my_mom_dropped_this_one_on_me/
%
TIFU by crying at a funeral -- about my favorite team losing.

sorry wrong sob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xzbfg/tifu_by_crying_at_a_funeral_about_my_favorite/
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There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xz52e/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
An elelphant gets on a bus..

The busdriver looks surprised and says, "This is the first time I've seen an elephant getting on a bus!"
The elephant responds, "Might be the last time too, my bicycle should be repaired by tomorrow".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xz1pz/an_elelphant_gets_on_a_bus/
%
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his butt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xyx26/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xyrag/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
Yesterday my dear friend Gavin passed away after taking heartburn pills.

I can't believe Gaviscon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xypg0/yesterday_my_dear_friend_gavin_passed_away_after/
%
Why is Santa Claus always a man?

Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xyour/why_is_santa_claus_always_a_man/
%
My wife and I were watching some Show jumping.

She looked at one of the horses and cackled, "Look at the cock on that thing!"
I said, "Don't be rude, he's probably a nice guy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xync4/my_wife_and_i_were_watching_some_show_jumping/
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My friend has a job coming up with bathroom humor

He just writes a lot of shitty puns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xyn1a/my_friend_has_a_job_coming_up_with_bathroom_humor/
%
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xymtv/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_luke_got_him_for/
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Yes, very brave

I went to the dentist to have a tooth removed, as I was in a rush I said, 'Look I don't want any anesthetic, no laughing gas, I just want you to remove the tooth as quickly as possible'. 'That's very brave of you sir', said the dentist. 'Now which tooth is it?'. I turned to my wife and said, 'Go on honey tell him which tooth'
.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xylyt/yes_very_brave/
%
"I've found your hamster," I told my daughter over the phone.

"You're a hero!" she screamed, "Thank you so much. Can you put him back in my cage for me?"
I said, "Of course. I just need to get him out of the hoover first though."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xyl9n/ive_found_your_hamster_i_told_my_daughter_over/
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I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"...

Stupid firefighters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xyjoq/im_getting_a_little_tired_of_these_people_coming/
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An Engineer Goes to Hell

One day a civil engineer dies and goes before St Peter. St Peter gravely tells him that he must go to Hell.
So the engineer goes to Hell, looks around and thinks: 'What a shithole. Who designed this place?' So he says 'Hey! Satan...'
A few years later, God discovers that the engineer was on the wrong list and should have been allowed entrance to Heaven. So God goes down to Satan and explains the situation to him, and demands the engineer back.
Satan laughs at God and says 'You want HIM back? No fucking way. Look at this place: since he arrived, we've got R/C Aircon, elevators and escalators so we don't have to climb the mountains, we've got water filtration, comfortable accommodation, 24-hour electricity, we've got a new hotel with a pool that has a bar in the middle of it, the lighting's great, the beer's on tap in public fountains. Why the heck would I give this guy back to you?
God says: 'Give him back, or I'll sue you.'
Satan just laughs and asks 'And where are YOU going to get a lawyer?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xyfsk/an_engineer_goes_to_hell/
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Did you know Chewbacca got a girl pregnant the first time he had sex

It was a Wookie mistake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xyai5/did_you_know_chewbacca_got_a_girl_pregnant_the/
%
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xy5a8/a_group_of_chess_enthusiasts_checked_into_a_hotel/
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What do a crematorium and an auditorium have in common?

It's apparently frowned upon to jerk off in either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xy4j1/what_do_a_crematorium_and_an_auditorium_have_in/
%
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xy3fs/a_man_was_pulled_over_for_driving_too_fast_even/
%
How do you get to the top of a weather beacon?

Climate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xxz4e/how_do_you_get_to_the_top_of_a_weather_beacon/
%
As an airplane is about to crash...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xxwt9/as_an_airplane_is_about_to_crash/
%
Alien wife swapping

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things.
Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.
"Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears.
With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing.
She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xxtlr/alien_wife_swapping/
%
Why can't two even numbers be together?

The odds are against them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xxpti/why_cant_two_even_numbers_be_together/
%
i took my 19 year old girlfriend to dinner and people called me pedophile...

completely ruined our 10th anniversary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xxgtd/i_took_my_19_year_old_girlfriend_to_dinner_and/
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Why didn't the man go under the boardwalk?

He doesn't like giving in to pier pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xx4wt/why_didnt_the_man_go_under_the_boardwalk/
%
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

It was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xx4iy/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xx3di/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
%
why did the golfer wear two pants?

in case he got a hole in one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xwyvx/why_did_the_golfer_wear_two_pants/
%
Why did the Nazi fräulein move to Budapest?

She heard there were hung Aryans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xwxur/why_did_the_nazi_fräulein_move_to_budapest/
%
What's a pirates favorite letter?

You think it's 'aarrrggh' but it's really the 'sea!'
Tell me your favorite corny one liner jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xwxaj/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xwv9r/the_cast_of_star_wars_vii_just_finished_their/
%
What do you call a group of killer whales that play instruments?

An Orca-stra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xwv1i/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_killer_whales_that/
%
What do you call an Irish lesbian?

Gaelic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xwuq5/what_do_you_call_an_irish_lesbian/
%
Have you heard about the one-armed super hero?

He single handedly stops crime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xwtcn/have_you_heard_about_the_onearmed_super_hero/
%
Why do men with prostate issues have issues stealing video game systems?

Because they have trouble taking a Wii.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xwrm9/why_do_men_with_prostate_issues_have_issues/
%
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xwjyh/how_do_you_stop_a_lawyer_from_drowning/
%
The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men.

They are sending them out to sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xw6kj/the_navy_is_beginning_to_recruit_blind_men/
%
What's a ducks favorite drug?

Quack cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xvyds/whats_a_ducks_favorite_drug/
%
Donald Trump is not the sharpest tool in the shed but...

..he is the biggest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xvv5b/donald_trump_is_not_the_sharpest_tool_in_the_shed/
%
I recently came into a HUGE amount of money.

Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xvso4/i_recently_came_into_a_huge_amount_of_money/
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Donald Trump & Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar...

Donald says to Ted
"What we need to do is kill 140 million Muslims & one smoking hot blonde woman."
Overhearing this the bartender asks why they need to kill a hot blonde woman.
Donald says to Ted, "See I told you no one would care about the Muslims"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xvr59/donald_trump_ted_cruz_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
%
Where did Santa meet his wife?

Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xvqez/where_did_santa_meet_his_wife/
%
A Thief Walks into Church...

A Thief walks into an empty church to steal the offerings left behind by the people. As he walks in he approaches the big statue of jesus in the center of the church. He notices a a few pieces of gold and and a few rings on the statue and begins to take them. Suddenly, he hears the doors of the church open and he runs behind the statue to hide.
Lo and behold, a beautiful young lady walks in. She approaches the statue and begins to pray: "Oh lord, you have blessed me with a good family that is rich, you have blessed me with knowledge, and you have blessed me with good looks. Lord, could you please send me a good man for me to marry as well?"
Immediately the thief jumps out clenching his butt "Calm down lord, there is no need to kick me, Im going myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xvn0x/a_thief_walks_into_church/
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NSFW Christmas Joke

A rich man and a poor man are sitting next to each other in a local barber shop. The poor man asks the rich man, "what did you get your wife for Christmas?" The rich man replies "I got her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes." The poor man asks "is there a reason you got her both the necklace and the Mercedes?" The rich man responds "so if she doesn't like the necklace she can drive herself to the jewelry store and take it back." The rich man then asks the poor man what he got his wife for Christmas. The poor man answers "I got her some slippers and a dildo." Puzzled the rich man asks "why did you get her slippers and a dildo? That's an odd combination." The poor man replies "I got her the slippers and if she doesn't like it she can go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xvmzs/nsfw_christmas_joke/
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A buddy of mine isn't sure whether he believes in creamy holiday beverages or not.

He's eggnogstic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xvkwf/a_buddy_of_mine_isnt_sure_whether_he_believes_in/
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A Labrador, Rottweiler and German Shepard are sitting in the waiting room of the Vet clinic...

The Labrador looks over to the other two and asks
"What're you boys in for?"
The Rottie says "Ahh man, well for years the Mailman's been taunting me, and just the other day I found the back gate open as he arrived. I knew this would be my fate, but I couldn't help myself and I bit him in the leg. And I'm being put down today."
"Real sorry to hear that." Replies the Labrador. "Similar story myself but it happened to be my owners little boy. Kept pulling my hair, kicking my legs out from under me, the works. I was pissed off and bit his little hand. Same fate for me today."
"How bout you?" They both ask the German Shepard.
"My owner was in the naked in the bedroom, down on all fours looking for something under the bathroom sink. I couldn't help myself, mounted her right there and had my way with her."
"You're being put down for that!?" They both exclaim.
"No, no! I'm just here to get my nails clipped."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xvkli/a_labrador_rottweiler_and_german_shepard_are/
%
Two Syrian refugees land in America...

They make a bet to see who can become the most American. A year later they meet up for coffee. The first man says " I am so American. I have a hot white wife, a daughter, a house and a well paying job. I drink Budweiser with my friends after work at happy hour. I have come to accept gay marriage as a human right. I joined a bowling league and my average is above 200. What have you done?" The other Syrian looks at him and says " Shut up Towel Head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xvd2l/two_syrian_refugees_land_in_america/
%
If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck...

...You should probably take your cat to see the vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xvahu/if_it_walks_like_a_duck_and_it_quacks_like_a_duck/
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How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xv9q9/how_do_you_circumcise_a_hillbilly/
%
So, Bob shot a duck and it fell into Tom's property...

...Bob quickly hopped over the fence and went into Tom's backyard to get his meal, but Tom walks outside and finds Bob trespassing.
"Hey, Bob! That duck is in MY property, and it is MINE."
"No way, Tom! I shot this duck fair and square. I shot it, so I eat it!"
"How about this," said Tom. "We both kick each other in the balls, back and forth, back and forth, and the first person to fall on the floor, loses, and has to give up the duck".
"That sounds reasonable. I have a high pain tolerance! Hit me with your best shot!" yelled Bob.
**BOOM**, Tom kicks Bob as hard as he can in the balls. Bob yells in pain, but he is still standing.
"Alright, so you kicked me in the balls, now it's my turn!" exclaimed Bob.
"Nah, man, it's cool, you can keep the duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xv9m1/so_bob_shot_a_duck_and_it_fell_into_toms_property/
%
God put a perfect woman in every corner of the world.

Then he made the earth round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xv85y/god_put_a_perfect_woman_in_every_corner_of_the/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs.  No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs.  Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.  We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.  The chicken is either with us or against us.  There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!  It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions.  I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road.  What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly.  So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty!  You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going.  I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.  No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road?  Did he cross it with a toad?  Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay!  Can't you people see the plain truth?  That's why they call it the 'other side.'  Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay.  If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.  I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.'  That chicken should not be crossing the road.  It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting?  In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.  Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2013.  This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xv7kt/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
There are two things I hate in every politician:

their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xv54s/there_are_two_things_i_hate_in_every_politician/
%
When German children play a game involving touching each other with bread...

it's called gluten tag.
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xv1hj/when_german_children_play_a_game_involving/
%
How does post-vasectomy sex compare?

There's not a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xuwnk/how_does_postvasectomy_sex_compare/
%
I had a good Fallout 4 pun in mind...

but I forgot it Radaway...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xuuhn/i_had_a_good_fallout_4_pun_in_mind/
%
My wife is a sex object.

I ask for sex, she objects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xuszo/my_wife_is_a_sex_object/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xuqym/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
I used to cry when my dad chopped onions.

I miss Onions, he was a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xunwj/i_used_to_cry_when_my_dad_chopped_onions/
%
Proof of God

Every atheist becomes a theist if you give them a little space

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xul1v/proof_of_god/
%
I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

http://imgur.com/gallery/8u6m2Nv

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xujol/i_hate_russian_dolls_theyre_so_full_of_themselves/
%
Four men are on the golf course....

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free.”
The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.”
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My son is a stock broker and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is a gay prostitute. I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be damn good. Just In the last year his best clients gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xujaz/four_men_are_on_the_golf_course/
%
A British anthropologist had been living with an isolated African tribe...

He was one of the few Europeans to ever have contact with the tribe. Through years of study, the anthropologist learned the tribe's language and was living with them to better understand their culture.
One day, a woman in the tribe gave birth to a white baby. The tribe elders were furious. They thought the anthropologist had betrayed their trust and seduced the woman. The tribe leader decided to confront the European and demand he explain his actions.
The anthropologist denied ever being intimate with the woman.
"But how is it that her baby is white?" the leader asked. "You are the only white man we have seen in years!"
Confronted with that simple fact, the anthropologist scrambled. He turned to a field where the tribe's sheep were grazing. He pointed to one black sheep among the white animals.
"See! Nature is abundant with diversity. Through a random mix of genetics, you get seemingly inexpiable variations in color. That's how a flock of white sheep could produce a black sheep."
The leader paused. He looked at the black sheep and then back to the anthropologist.
"OK. I won't say anything about the white baby if you don't say anything about the black sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xuh8t/a_british_anthropologist_had_been_living_with_an/
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A little girl on a bike is approached by a police officer on a horse.

"That's a lovely bike you've got there," says the police officer. "Did Santa get it for you?"
"Yes he did," replies the little girl.
"Well," says the police officer, "next year, tell Santa to put a rear reflector on it," and he fines her £35.
The girl looks at the police officer's horse, and says to him, "did Santa get you that horse?"
"Yes, he did," replies the police officer.
"Next year, tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xuea1/a_little_girl_on_a_bike_is_approached_by_a_police/
%
Stevie Wonder got a cheesegrater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xudx3/stevie_wonder_got_a_cheesegrater_for_christmas/
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Husband in coma

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xuco3/husband_in_coma/
%
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma...

...After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them, if you don't mind me saying he does seem a bit of a redneck!"
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xu9om/a_pregnant_woman_gets_into_a_car_accident_and/
%
Recently, I was watching the Republican debate, and they were debating abortion.

Donald Trump was talking about how opposed to it he was, but I thought to myself, come on Don, you're a businessman.  I bet you wouldn't be this upset if you could charge them an early termination fee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xu8gw/recently_i_was_watching_the_republican_debate_and/
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What's the difference between broccoli and cat poop?

My dog won't eat broccoli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xu7mq/whats_the_difference_between_broccoli_and_cat_poop/
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How do turtles communicate?

With shell phones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xu69b/how_do_turtles_communicate/
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What 2 things do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

They both ate honey and they both have the same middle name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xu61r/what_2_things_do_winnie_the_pooh_and_john_the/
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The doctors tell me I have Alzheimer's, cancer and hepatitis.

It could be worse. I could have Alzheimer's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xu1zw/the_doctors_tell_me_i_have_alzheimers_cancer_and/
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All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."
"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."
All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xu1ua/all_of_the_organs_are_deciding_who_should_be_in/
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To take her mind off being mistakenly judged Miss Universe,Miss Columbia went to get her teeth whitened..

The Dentist told her she needs a crown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xu1hx/to_take_her_mind_off_being_mistakenly_judged_miss/
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Doctors vs. Lawyers

Two doctors had boarded a flight, one taking the window seat and the other, the middle seat. Just prior to take off, a lawyer boarded and took the aisle seat next to them.
The lawyer kicked off his shoes and had no sooner settled in, when the doctor in the window seat decided he would get up and get himself a coke. The lawyer said, "No problem, I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the doctors picked up his shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the first doctor's coke, the other doctor decided that it looked so good, he would like one too. The lawyer said he would go and get one for him. While he was gone this time, the other doctor picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
When the lawyer returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the remainder of the flight. As the plane was landing, the lawyer slipped his shoes on and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long is this going to continue?" he asked. "This constant fighting between our professions. This lack of respect. This animosity. This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xu1bt/doctors_vs_lawyers/
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Jenny was not the best student in Sunday School.

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was having a nap:
"Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?"
She didn't stir, so Mike, a boy in the chair behind her, quickly took a pencil
and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Jenny
And the teacher said, "Very good".
Soon, Jenny was fast asleep again. A while later the teacher asks Jenny:
"Who is our Lord and Saviour?" Once again, Mike pricked her with a pencil.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Jenny.
And the teacher said, "very good."
Soon, a third question comes:  "What did Eve say to Adam after she had
her twenty-third child?"  And again, Mike jabbed her with the pencil.
Jenny jumped in her seat and shouted:
"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT
IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xu0g0/jenny_was_not_the_best_student_in_sunday_school/
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A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"

..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls… guess we're both not going to Syria."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xtyfs/a_soldier_is_running_from_military_police_he_runs/
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Son: Daddy, what's it like to have the most awesome son in the world ?

Father: I don't know, ask your grandfather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xtyaf/son_daddy_whats_it_like_to_have_the_most_awesome/
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A Mexican family moves to America...

But the father could not find a job and the family fell on hard times. The father went to church every morning to pray to God for food to feed his family.
One day, while he prayed, a black man was coming out of the grocery store up the hill from the church. He had a sack in one hand with a wheel of cheese in it, the bag was heavy, and just as the Mexican man was getting up from praying, the bag broke and the wheel of cheese rolled down the hill.
The Mexican man saw the cheese and could not believe his luck, he thanked God and ran all the way home.
He gave it to his wife and told her that God has sent them a miracle and that she should make nachos out of the cheese.
His wife began to protest, surely she should make something better than nachos with this gift from the heavens.
The man shouted at his wife, "No, it MUST be nachos!"
His wife was stunned, "Why can't we make something else out of this beautiful cheese? she asked.
The man replied "Because all the way home the voice of God followed me, shouting 'That's na'cho cheese! That's na'cho cheese!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xtts5/a_mexican_family_moves_to_america/
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The guy who invented predictive text died last night...

his funfair is next monkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xts6c/the_guy_who_invented_predictive_text_died_last/
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How did Darth Vader know what Luke had for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xtqes/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_luke_had_for/
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I'm at the ear clinic.

My name might've been called out. I have no idea.
PSA: The joke is originally in Swedish, tried my best translating it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xtp70/im_at_the_ear_clinic/
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My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas

She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xtjw2/my_5_year_old_daughter_wants_a_tampon_for/
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A woman goes to the doctor... [NSFW]

A woman goes to the doctor and says "By Hubbanb li nadal deck."
The doctor is baffled and says, "I'm sorry, I can't understand you at all."
The patient takes a deep breath and tries to speak a bit more clearly: "My hubband like nadal decks."
The doctor realises what she is trying to say. "Your husband likes nasal sex? Well, that's certainly unusual, but I don't quite understand what the problem is."
The woman is clearly annoyed. "Gan I ged regged?" She demands.
Once again, the doctor can't understand her, so she takes another deep breath and tries again. "Can I ged bregnand?"
The doctor understands her this time. "Can you get pregnant? Through nasal sex? No. No, of course you can't," he says.
The woman snorts loudly through both nostrils, clearing her nose.
"Thank God for that, I was beginning to get really worried," she says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xtj7t/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_nsfw/
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Baby: Fuck You!

Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Fuck you, say daddy!
Baby: Fuck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: Fuck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xte25/baby_fuck_you/
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What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
Ans: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xtb8u/whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a_golf/
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Man goes to buy a house.

a man goes to buy a house, and he found one very good looking one. it was near the beach, it was big and it was cheap. So the man goes to see the house with the seller. They tour the house and it looks like everything he coud want. when they arrive to the bathroom the seller turns around and says "ok we have one condition about this house. DO NOT press that button on the bathroom wall." man looks over the seller and sees a big red button at the wall. he thought "fair enough this is a great house otherwise". the man buys the house.
he spent his days enjoying the house it was perfect in every way. but the nagging in his head never stopped "what woud that button do?". so one day he finally said out loud "this is my house dammit i can do what ever i want in it!" he went to the bathroom and pressed the button **BEEB** wall opened and there was big black ripped man and he asked with his mighty voice "with or without vaseline?"  then man stuttered "wi-wi-without" then the man grabbed our house owner and proceeded to pound him two hours straight. dry.
the man was mortified and promised himself never to touch that button again.
But, one day when he was leaving the shower, he slipped and accidently pressed the button again **BEEB** . to his horror the wall opened once more and the same big black man repeated the question "with or without vaseline?" this time our man said "WITH vaseline!" **BEEB** another wall opened and there was another black man almost twice the size of the other black man "*HELLO MY NAME IS VASELINE*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xt68z/man_goes_to_buy_a_house/
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2 stutterers meet after years of not seeing eachother.

Hey man, good to see you!  how's your lovely wife?
She's d-d-d-doing w-well.
Oh wow, you still have that stutter?
Let me tell you how I got rid of mine: At one point, my wife gave me a 3 hour blow-job, and after that I was cured! So go home and Give it a try....
A few weeks later the men meet again:
So tell me, you took my advice? did it work?
N-n-no, it d-d-didn't work.
But you sure have a b-b-beautiful house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xt5zw/2_stutterers_meet_after_years_of_not_seeing/
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A girl came skipping home from school one day...

"Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10! See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good." said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde." her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school, "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good." said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde".
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good." said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, honey. It's because you're 25."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xt5ck/a_girl_came_skipping_home_from_school_one_day/
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Why did the butcher get fired?

For bringing home the bacon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xt4w7/why_did_the_butcher_get_fired/
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I'm not racist, I have black friends.

Or at least I did until my dad sold them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xt2i4/im_not_racist_i_have_black_friends/
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my neigbour was in Thailand

He returned with a new girlfriend. She is one foot taller than him and she is drop dead beautiful.
The other day I talked to him asking how things are going with his new girl.
He moved closer to me and whispered:
"My girl says: it's no problem to have a small penis"
Then he continued:
"But I would prefer it if she didn't have one at all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xszov/my_neigbour_was_in_thailand/
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SpaceX won't be drinking Champagne tonight.

Every time they pop the cork it ends up back where it started...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xsx0m/spacex_wont_be_drinking_champagne_tonight/
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Parallel lines have so much in common....

it's a shame they're never gonna meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xstbz/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
Bernie Sanders is finally deciding to cut the BS

He will now go by: Ernie Anders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xssmf/bernie_sanders_is_finally_deciding_to_cut_the_bs/
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After an outage, what time does the power come back on?

12:00
--:--
12:00
--:--

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xsn6c/after_an_outage_what_time_does_the_power_come/
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What do you call a stoned Irishman?

A baked potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xsihl/what_do_you_call_a_stoned_irishman/
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What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?

Neck-romance-y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xsg87/what_kind_of_magic_does_a_lovestruck_giraffe/
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What's the difference between a train and a teacher?

A train goes choo choo and a teacher says, Spit that gum out!
Hat tip to my nine year old niece, who has better jokes than I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xs9yd/whats_the_difference_between_a_train_and_a_teacher/
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How does a person with no arms or legs cross a freeway?

Hint: Take the F out of Free and the F out of way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xs6t4/how_does_a_person_with_no_arms_or_legs_cross_a/
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Walking Eagle

Barack Obama spoke for nearly an hour at the American Indian Convention,
referring to the audience as his red brothers and red sisters. Obama promised the native Americans
expanded job opportunity, improved living conditions and a higher standard of living.
Although detail was vague or lacking, his speech was enthusiastic and eloquent.
After his speech, the Tribal chief presented Obama with a large plaque bearing the inscription
“WALKING EAGLE”. The tribal chief was later solicited by an onsite reporter who said:
“It’s obvious that the Indian people were impressed with the president’s address;
but can you give us a little insight as to the significance of WALKING EAGLE?” The tribal chief replied:
"WALKING EAGLE" is an old Indian expression that describes an eagle so full of shit, it can no longer fly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xs6gr/walking_eagle/
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A woman who sits on a judges lap...

Get's an honorable discharge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xs449/a_woman_who_sits_on_a_judges_lap/
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What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xs39u/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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What is Chipotle most known for?

- A. Steak Bowls
- B. Delicious Tacos
- C. Chips
- D. Burritos
- E. Coli

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xs2lr/what_is_chipotle_most_known_for/
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How did the Kentucky woman know her daughter was on her period?

She tasted the blood on her son's penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xs2e4/how_did_the_kentucky_woman_know_her_daughter_was/
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How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Why should I tell you? I'd just be wrong anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xrz33/how_many_women_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xrxra/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
My 6 year old daughter told me this morning that she wanted to grow up and be a feminist..

I told her she could only choose one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xrx29/my_6_year_old_daughter_told_me_this_morning_that/
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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xrwcy/what_happens_to_a_frogs_car_when_it_breaks_down/
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Last summer, I traveled to europe for a 2 week vacation..

On the last night, I decided to go to a club for some action. As I approached the entrance, there was nothing more amazing i'd seen in those last 2 weeks than the bouncer. He was buffed up at least 4 inches taller than me, had long hair, a braided beard, hell he looked like a viking. Surprisingly, he lets me in.
Getting in, I noticed a girl standing alone. I approach her and we dance a little. She tels me her name is Sky and she's from Sweden. We dance a bit more, and after a while of her grinding on me, she notices my erection and smiles.
She leads me to a bathroom and we enter a stall. She unzips my pants and starts going down on me. She was so good I came in less than a minute. She giggles and takes of her pants, motioning for me to eat her out. After a few minutes, she she shifts and now her ass in my face and i'm now giving her a rim job. She starts moaning loudly and pretty soon there's a knock on the door, and a booming voice shouts, "OPEN THE DOOR!"
I freak out and open the stall. It's the Nordic bouncer.
"What do you think you're doing in here?", he asks
I'm in a daze and stumble for words. He pushes past me and goes for the girl, bends her over and starts eating her ass. Shes moaning even louder now. I'm frozen in shock. I finally muster some courage and ask , "What the fuck are you doing? she's my girl."
He turns to me and says:
"Sky's rim belongs to the Nords"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xruzu/last_summer_i_traveled_to_europe_for_a_2_week/
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I decided not to have any children.

I kid you not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xrts5/i_decided_not_to_have_any_children/
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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are riding a train in Scotland.

Looking out the window, the engineer sees something that catches her eye. Look, she says, it's a black sheep! It seems the sheep in Scotland are black.
The physicist shakes his head. Nonsense, he says. All we know is that there are some black sheep in Scotland.
The mathematician looks at his two friends, sighs, and with all earnestness, observes: All we can say is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, one side of which is black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xrs5s/a_mathematician_a_physicist_and_an_engineer_are/
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Bob drowned...

, so at his funeral we put a life jacket over his grave. It is what he would have wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xrr4k/bob_drowned/
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The FAA can register my drone...

...when they pry it from my neighbour's cold dead head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xrnks/the_faa_can_register_my_drone/
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If you're Russian when you're running to the bathroom, and Finnish when you're leaving, what are you in between?

European!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xrndr/if_youre_russian_when_youre_running_to_the/
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What are a psychoanalysts first words to a suicide bomber?

"What makes you tick?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xrmle/what_are_a_psychoanalysts_first_words_to_a/
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What do Tits & Model Trains have in common?

Tits & Model Trains were both intended for children,
but are played with by grown men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xrl8l/what_do_tits_model_trains_have_in_common/
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Four nuns died in a crash.

While waiting at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter says "In order for nuns to enter heaven, we must check the sanctity of your vows."
He asks the first nun "Have you ever been with a man?"
The nun replies "I must confess, one time I touched a penis with my left hand."Saint Peter says "That is fine, all is forgiven, now wash your left hand in this pool of holy water, and you will be cleansed."
He hears a commotion and the two nuns in the back are fighting. He asks "What is going on?"
The two nuns are pushing, and shoving. The nun at the back of the line yells out "I'm not going to put that water in my mouth after she's had her ass in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xreju/four_nuns_died_in_a_crash/
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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Your son
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,
Mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xr7n7/a_mom_visits_her_son_for_dinner_who_lives_with_a/
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Beer without alcohol is like a vibrator with no batteries...

It fills you up nicely but lacks the buzz...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xr47c/beer_without_alcohol_is_like_a_vibrator_with_no/
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If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I really hope it starts in Vegas

Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xqyvx/if_theres_ever_a_zombie_apocalypse_i_really_hope/
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Today i thought i saw a new color...

but it turned out to just be a pigment of my imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xqw9x/today_i_thought_i_saw_a_new_color/
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Sex Therapy (NSFW)

A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help.
The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios... "
This was not my joke BTW I reposted this from an archived Reddit from a year ago, I just thought it was kind of funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xqs2e/sex_therapy_nsfw/
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Donald and the Queen

A private Lear jet arrives at Heathrow International Airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception with the Queen.
From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.  The fart shakes the whole coach. The smell is atrocious!  Both passengers in the carriage must cover their noses, and the two do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets.  I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."   Trump replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought.   Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xqrxj/donald_and_the_queen/
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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.*

*Only a fraction of you will understand this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xqjoq/there_is_a_fine_line_between_a_numerator_and_a/
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The Girl with the Wooden Eye

Another of my old man's jokes...
A girl and her friend are sitting in a busy night club where lots of people are dancing. The friend says, 'Honey, you should find someone to dance with.' The girl says, " I don't know, I'm so self conscious about my wooden eye. Guys always stare at it and make fun of it and say mean things.'  The friend says, "What about that guy over there with the wooden leg? Look, he just smiled at you. Surely a guy with a wooden leg wouldn't be judgmental.' So the girl says, 'OK, I'll go ask him. Not sure he can even dance with that wooden leg. But he's kinda cute." So she gets up and walks over to the guy with the wooden leg. He gives her a great big smile as she walks up, since every other girl has ignored him all night. "Would you be interested in dancing with a girl like me?" she asks.  The guy can barely contain himself. Standing up, he yells out, "Would I?! Would I?!". Aghast, she sticks her finger in his face and yells, "You're a splinter dicked wood legged acorn nut pecker sucker!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xqjl2/the_girl_with_the_wooden_eye/
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I was driving along the other day when suddenly a deer ran out.

I have no idea how it got in my car in the first place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xqidi/i_was_driving_along_the_other_day_when_suddenly_a/
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Three women die and go to heaven...

St. Peter greets them at the gate and says "We only have one rule in heaven, and that is to not step on any of the ducks." The women thought this was a strange rule, but they went in anyway. When they entered they could see there were many ducks covering the ground and it would be very hard to not step on a duck. They tried not to step on any ducks but eventually the first woman stepped on one. St. Peter came to the woman and told her that her punishment for stepping on a duck was to be chained to a very ugly man for eternity. After seeing the punishment that the first woman had received, the two other women tried very hard to not step on any ducks, but eventually the second woman accidentally stepped on a duck. The same punishment was given to her. The third woman tried very hard to not step on any ducks and went many months without stepping on any. One day, without a word, St. Peter came up to the third woman and handcuffed the most handsome man she had ever seen to her. "What did I ever do to deserve this?" she said. The man said "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xqcy6/three_women_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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Where do burgers go when they die?

Burgatory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xqani/where_do_burgers_go_when_they_die/
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What is the quietest place on Earth?

The complaint department at a parachute packing company.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xqad6/what_is_the_quietest_place_on_earth/
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost

He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xqa3f/a_man_is_flying_in_a_hot_air_balloon_and_realizes/
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TIL grizzly bears are not harmed by microwave radiation.

In fact, they are one among several species of non-polar bear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xq9sz/til_grizzly_bears_are_not_harmed_by_microwave/
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Everyone wants a white Christmas...

but all Christmases matter!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xq9bq/everyone_wants_a_white_christmas/
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One day a man sat down to relieve himself

in a port-o-potty when he heard a voice shout out, "No!".
Hearing this the man got off the toilet and asked who said that.
The voice responded," I am down here!"
The man looked down into the toilet and saw an Indian man. The man was shocked and asked him how long he had been down there.
The Indian man responded," For many,many moons".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xq8ll/one_day_a_man_sat_down_to_relieve_himself/
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What starts and ends with a 'v' and is only one letter?

'w'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xq6d8/what_starts_and_ends_with_a_v_and_is_only_one/
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What's the derivative of Amazon?

Amazon Prime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xq5v2/whats_the_derivative_of_amazon/
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A young Arab boy asks his father...

A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan, and still wearing all this shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xq272/a_young_arab_boy_asks_his_father/
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Caught Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn’t
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying IDIOT!! told you I was speeding too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xq0xl/caught_speeding/
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What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at three Hos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xpt96/whats_the_difference_between_santa_claus_and/
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How does every racist joke start?

[looks over both shoulders]....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xpoxe/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
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Why does Saudi Arabia have so much oil?

Because the women are not allowed to drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xpnpr/why_does_saudi_arabia_have_so_much_oil/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickalotapus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xpln5/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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Worst joke you know?

Here is mine:
Who are the fastest readers on earth?
9/11 patients. They can do 87 stories in less than 2 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xpkgg/worst_joke_you_know/
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You know what they say, "Big shoes, big nose, big hands?"

=================
Probably a clown
=================

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xpk0l/you_know_what_they_say_big_shoes_big_nose_big/
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How do you make a cat go "Woof!"?

Soak it in petrol and put a match to it.
(This is a joke, not and instruction, Reddit)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xpj10/how_do_you_make_a_cat_go_woof/
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Mt. Everest has lost its record status ...

... now that a British astronaut is Earth's highest Peake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xpisk/mt_everest_has_lost_its_record_status/
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Mom, how do you spell 'scrotum'?

Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xpept/mom_how_do_you_spell_scrotum/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never paid $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xpa2l/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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I asked my doctor how bad my breath is.

"You see that broccoli over there?" he pointed.
"Yes..." I replied.
"That was a cauliflower before you started talking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xp9sj/i_asked_my_doctor_how_bad_my_breath_is/
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Drinking

Remember, it isn't drinking alone when you're pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xp8b8/drinking/
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A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xp7a8/a_woman_asked_a_general_in_the_army_the_last_time/
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In Canada...

A guy watching the weather forecast for tomorrow exclaims to his friend, 'It's -40 tomorrow!'. His friend asks, 'Fahrenheit or Celsius?'. He replies, 'It doesn't fucking matter!'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xp6v2/in_canada/
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If you ever see a troll eat a fairy

It's either time for rehab or you're on Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xp4wo/if_you_ever_see_a_troll_eat_a_fairy/
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The Universal Miss award goes to

Steve Harvey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xp4m9/the_universal_miss_award_goes_to/
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I was doing some curling in the gym when some guy looked at me funny.

I said, "What's up, punk?"
"Nothing," he replied, "I've just never seen a man using hair rollers before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xp4is/i_was_doing_some_curling_in_the_gym_when_some_guy/
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In park people come across man playing chess with dog

They are of surprise and say "What clever dog!"
But man say: "No, no, he isn't so clever. I am lead by three game to one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xp402/in_park_people_come_across_man_playing_chess_with/
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What's green with little red wheels?

Grass. I was lying about the little red wheels.
Missing my grandpa today. This was always his favorite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xp3yz/whats_green_with_little_red_wheels/
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Don't Ever Let Him See You Completely Naked

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of
marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You
should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband
were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there
ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night
you've worn that silly hat to bed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xoym8/dont_ever_let_him_see_you_completely_naked/
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My wife told me she was going to leave me because of my obsession with The Monkees, at first I didn't believe her...

...But then I saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xosqe/my_wife_told_me_she_was_going_to_leave_me_because/
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I don't believe you can become a successful bodybuilder without the use of supplements.

There's just no whey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xoqkb/i_dont_believe_you_can_become_a_successful/
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Why do Jewish girls love circumcised dicks?

They love anything 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xomwd/why_do_jewish_girls_love_circumcised_dicks/
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Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives.

All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xomot/three_women_one_engaged_one_married_and_one_a/
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A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged...

The doctor asked him how large he wanted it, and the man told him to make it as large as possible. The doctor spliced a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.
Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a bread roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".
Minutes later the same thing happens. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile, the man replied, "I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take any more !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xol8j/a_man_went_to_a_doctor_to_have_his_penis_enlarged/
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Guy goes to the doctor for a prostate exam

Doctor warns him, "It is normal to get an erection while I perform this procedure, so don't be alarmed".
After the doctor is all finished the guy says, "Doc, I never got an erection, I didn't even feel like I was going to get one".
The doctor smiles and says, "Oh, not you silly".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xoes3/guy_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_prostate_exam/
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Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xob30/why_dont_you_see_hippos_hiding_in_trees/
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How does the astronaut cut his hair?

Eclipse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xo89d/how_does_the_astronaut_cut_his_hair/
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Two Assholes

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xo833/two_assholes/
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What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it?

Envelope!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xnyv7/what_starts_with_e_and_has_only_one_letter_in_it/
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I came up with an original word yesterday...

...plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xnwc7/i_came_up_with_an_original_word_yesterday/
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What does a selfish cow say?

"Meeeeeeeeeeeeee"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xnva6/what_does_a_selfish_cow_say/
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What's the difference between Santa and a Jew?

Santa goes down the chimney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xnsuc/whats_the_difference_between_santa_and_a_jew/
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And your 2015 Miss Universe is Columbia!

-Steve Harvey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xno4n/and_your_2015_miss_universe_is_columbia/
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Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method.

But Han shot first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xnngd/han_and_leia_never_planned_on_having_a_baby_they/
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Why can't Jewish girls be basic?

They're too Hasidic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xn8pa/why_cant_jewish_girls_be_basic/
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xn84k/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_yesterday/
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NSFW A man tells his doctor he's got a lettuce up his arse

The doctor tells the man to turn around, drop his trousers, and bend over. The doctor begins looking and says he can see a few leaves. The man replies, 'I'm afraid that's just the tip of the iceberg'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xn4uf/nsfw_a_man_tells_his_doctor_hes_got_a_lettuce_up/
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Pavlov was drinking in a bar

and chatting with some fellow scientists.  The time flew by, and before he knew it the barman loudly rang the bell signalling last orders.
Pavlov clapped a hand to his forehead, 'Oh crap!' he cried. 'I forgot to feed the dog!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xn070/pavlov_was_drinking_in_a_bar/
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So the other day my friend asked me if living in Switzerland had any benefits...

I responded: "Well, the flag's a big plus."^I'll^see^myself^out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xmw05/so_the_other_day_my_friend_asked_me_if_living_in/
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What did the Jewish paedophile say to the kid?

Would you like to buy some candy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xmuhx/what_did_the_jewish_paedophile_say_to_the_kid/
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What did the lawyer say after the short trial?

That was a brief case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xmrn4/what_did_the_lawyer_say_after_the_short_trial/
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Why did the console gamer cross the road?

To render the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xmqjp/why_did_the_console_gamer_cross_the_road/
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I'm still a virgin because I'm waiting for someone special.

I have a retard fetish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xmn8y/im_still_a_virgin_because_im_waiting_for_someone/
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So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back…

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xmlre/so_i_suggested_to_my_wife_that_shed_look_sexier/
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Why do you need patience at the gym?

Because there is a lot of weighting.
*sorry.  i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xmj57/why_do_you_need_patience_at_the_gym/
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How did Luke always know what Darth was getting him for Christmas?

He felt his presents...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xmg5x/how_did_luke_always_know_what_darth_was_getting/
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The girlfriend convinced me to try having sex while camping, as she told me it was really good.

And she was right. It's fucking in tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xmf2c/the_girlfriend_convinced_me_to_try_having_sex/
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I asked my Welsh friend how many times he'd had sex...

He started counting then fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xmemj/i_asked_my_welsh_friend_how_many_times_hed_had_sex/
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Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road...

Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, and runs over it, giving it instant death. The chauffeur stops the car, gets out and looks around. He spots a small farm-house in the distance. Donald says to his chauffeur,
"You should at least tell them that you've killed the pig"
The chauffeur does as he's told. A couple of hours later, the chauffeur stumbles out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss-marks and a bottle of champagne in each hand. As he stumbles to the passenger side window, Donald exclaims,
"Jesus, what did you tell them?"
"Exactly what you told me boss: Hi I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur and I've just killed the pig"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xmdsa/donald_trump_and_his_chauffeur_are_driving_on_a/
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How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just stand around and compliment it, then get pissed when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xmdd3/how_many_guys_in_the_friendzone_does_it_take_to/
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Doctor my dick has turned orange..

A man walks into a doctors office and says "doc my dicks turned orange!" So the doctor says "well have you had unprotected sex? Or done any illicit drugs?" The man replies "no doc I've been home all week watching movies and eatin cheetos."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xmb1u/doctor_my_dick_has_turned_orange/
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Who's got the tightest bod in the North Pole?

Abdominal Snowman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xm7jt/whos_got_the_tightest_bod_in_the_north_pole/
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"I want to get laid Dad."

father approached his 14 year old son and asks him what he wants most for his birthday.
The son replies, "I want to get laid Dad."
The father says, "You are still a bit young for that." He takes him out to the backyard and shows him a tree with a knot hole in it. "Practice on this and we'll see next year," says the father.
The next year the father asks the same question and gets the same reply. The father tells the son to practice on the knot hole for another year.
On his 16th birthday the son says, "Enough with the knot hole already, I am ready for a woman!"
The father agrees and takes the son into town to the local cathouse. He tells the madam, "One for me and one for my son."
The madam replies "You go up the stairs and turn left, your son goes up the stairs and turns right."
At the top of the stairs the father pauses to wish the son good luck and then goes into the room with the whore.
All of a sudden he hears terrible screaming coming from the room where his son went. He runs over and bursts into the room. There he sees his son shoving a broomstick in and out of the whore while she is screaming at the top of her lungs.
"What the fuck are you doing son?" yells the father.
"Checking for squirrels Dad" replies the son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xm6y4/i_want_to_get_laid_dad/
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Luke Skywalker and Yoda are hopelessly lost on their journey...

Luke: Yoda, we've been walking for hours! Are you sure that we're going the right way?
Yoda: For the tenth time, told you, I have! Off course, we are!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xm6gy/luke_skywalker_and_yoda_are_hopelessly_lost_on/
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What did the Dalai Lama say to the guy in the kebab shop?

"Make me one with everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xm54x/what_did_the_dalai_lama_say_to_the_guy_in_the/
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Why the chicken cross the road?

It all started when his family was experiencing financial troubles, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, but they just didn't quite work out.
After ending up in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he was shot, landing him in the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him, the same shooter made his way to his room murdered his wife and three children and somehow managed to evade police..
Months after this incident, Charlie, the same chicken who was in the hospital and who had witnessed his family's murder- was finally released.
Charlie was a shell of his former self. He had nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to. He took up alcohol abuse for some time, until realizing what truly had to be done. He began tracking down his family's killer, and with each day spent, he became closer and closer to discovering the dealer's whereabouts.
One day, he finally figured out who it was.
As he arrived at the killers' home, Charlie took one last deep breath, then stormed in. After fighting through many of the dealers' body-gaurds, Charlie finally reached the notorious drug dealing murderer, Albert Smith.
As a bloody battle ensued, it was clear who the winner would be... Charlie staggered out of the destroyed home, bloodied, yet victorious, he realized something. All the tracking, all the killing, all the bloodshed he had created, was All. In. Vain. He realized that taking Alberts's life didn't, and wouldn't, bring his family back. Finding himself dumbfounded, he began to run. He headed down, through the fields to where the bad drug deal happened, almost a year ago now.
He took one last deep breath, gazed at the stars through tear-caked eyes and took his first step on the road. This was it he decided, he was finally going to reunite with his family again once more, for the final time. As the headlights raced towards him, he closed his eyes - wings outstretched, and heard his family whisper gently to him
"You're finally home Charlie, you're finally home".
Charlie had finally crossed to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xm3oy/why_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
A black hole and a nebula go out to lunch...

A black hole and a nebula are at a restaurant. The nebula orders a ginormous amount of food and the black hole only orders a drink and a small appetizer.
The nebula says the the black hole, "Are you sure you don't want more?"
The black hole replies, "Nah, I eat light"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xm0cj/a_black_hole_and_a_nebula_go_out_to_lunch/
%
Why's the sink depressed?

It's been feeling drained

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xlzvf/whys_the_sink_depressed/
%
TIL Ethiopian warriors conquered part of Central Europe in the 1300s

That's why they call it Hungary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xlws4/til_ethiopian_warriors_conquered_part_of_central/
%
Have you seen the new Broadway production about the dictionary?

It's a great play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xlvx7/have_you_seen_the_new_broadway_production_about/
%
Sat next to a baby on an airplane

.  Ten hour flight.  I had no idea it was even possible to cry for ten hours straight.
Baby was also surprised that I pulled it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xlp0w/sat_next_to_a_baby_on_an_airplane/
%
What does Santa listen to while delivering presents?

sleigh-er

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xlnlp/what_does_santa_listen_to_while_delivering/
%
A man and his son at the drugstore

A man and his son go to the drugstore when they run into the condom section.
"Dad, what are these?"
The dad decide to tell the truth: "Well, those are condoms. They're for protection when you're having sex."
The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it.
"That's a 3-pack of condoms, Son, for high school kids. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night, and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6-pack, Dad?"
"Those are for the college kids. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday night."
"What about the 12-pack then?"
"Those are for the married men: 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xllc5/a_man_and_his_son_at_the_drugstore/
%
What did the bra say to the hat?

"You go on a head, I'm gonna give these two a lift."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xll4i/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
%
A simple guide on how politics works

Fuck you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xlh79/a_simple_guide_on_how_politics_works/
%
The new zookeeper was let in on a secret...

"The porpoises," his supervisor told him, "live forever as long as we keep them fed on infant seagulls."
One day, as he was bringing the special food to the aquarium, a pair of lions escaped from their pen. The ferocious beasts blocked his path! Fortunately, zoo security was on the scene and tranquilized the big cats. He was able to proceed safely past them.
However, he was immediately arrested by an off-duty cop. When he asked why, the officer told him:
"I just caught you red-handed transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xldh4/the_new_zookeeper_was_let_in_on_a_secret/
%
Did you know, if you cut off your left arm,

your right arm would be left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xlavd/did_you_know_if_you_cut_off_your_left_arm/
%
I Hate Christmas!

And whoever started it should be nailed to a cross!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xlarc/i_hate_christmas/
%
There are two types of people in the world.

Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xl66x/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
%
A man is sent by his wife to buy some snails for their fancy French dinner party

While at the grocery, he meets a beautiful woman and they start chatting.  One thing leads to another and he ends up at her house.
The following morning he wakes with a start and rushes home. In his haste he drops the bucket of snails against his front door.
Hearing the commotion, his wife flings the door open and stares angrily at him.  'Where the hell have you been?!'
The man, thinking fast, looks around at the snails and says, 'Come on guys!  We're nearly there!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xl5rk/a_man_is_sent_by_his_wife_to_buy_some_snails_for/
%
My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D...

... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xl44b/my_friend_asked_me_if_the_new_star_wars_was_in_3d/
%
A turtle is sitting on the side of the road.

A turtle is sitting on the side of the road when a chicken hops up to him.
"Whatcha doin?" asks the chicken.
"My buddy's on the other side there, flipped on his back by some hooligans, and I'm waiting for a big enough break in traffic so I can get over there and help him."
"Why, I'd be happy to do that for you," replies the chicken.
"Why would you do such a nice thing for me?"
The chicken is deep in thought for a while and finally says, "I have absolutely no idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xl21r/a_turtle_is_sitting_on_the_side_of_the_road/
%
What is Grammar?

The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you're shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xkzda/what_is_grammar/
%
I took a taxi the other night

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home
Sure enough i pass a police road block but because it was a taxi they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before, am not sure where i got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xkmmq/i_took_a_taxi_the_other_night/
%
A guy was throwing popcorn at the back of my head in the cinema.

I turned around and said, "You and me...when this film finishes...let's sort this out."
He said, "OK then."
And then, when it was over, we cleared away all the popcorn like respectable men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xkkz3/a_guy_was_throwing_popcorn_at_the_back_of_my_head/
%
What's the difference between a formally-dressed man riding a unicycle and a casually-dressed man riding a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xkik8/whats_the_difference_between_a_formallydressed/
%
I was in bed with a blind girl last night

and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.  I said "You're pulling my leg!"
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xkcyn/i_was_in_bed_with_a_blind_girl_last_night/
%
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby...

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xkasm/a_woman_got_on_a_bus_holding_a_baby/
%
There were three restauraunts on the same block....

There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xk9hp/there_were_three_restauraunts_on_the_same_block/
%
A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xk7pk/a_i_have_the_perfect_son_b_does_he_smoke_a_no_he/
%
What pronouns do you use to address a chocolate bar?

Her/she

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xk2ll/what_pronouns_do_you_use_to_address_a_chocolate/
%
Why do the French only eat one egg for breakfast?

In France, one egg is un oeuf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xjxhd/why_do_the_french_only_eat_one_egg_for_breakfast/
%
Yup! It got me...

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'
Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xjvil/yup_it_got_me/
%
O and o

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking crack and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs  forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your asshole before prison..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xjg0u/o_and_o/
%
The General's new clothes

Preparing for an imminent, decisive battle, the General calls his
experienced, trustworthy aid over for advice.
"I am undecided as to what color uniform to wear" he says, "what did the
great generals in history wear to their most important battles?"
"Well" the aid says, "Napoleon for example wore a red uniform, so just
in case he was injured, his men would not notice and keep fighting along
with him".
"Very well, then" says the general after a moment of contemplation,
staring deep in thought at his reflection in the mirror, "bring me my brown uniform".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xjeuw/the_generals_new_clothes/
%
Why did the chicken fall into the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xjciy/why_did_the_chicken_fall_into_the_well/
%
A man sees a lemonade stand

run by a small girl. He notices that 1 glass of lemonade is $1 and that 3 glasses are $5. The man explains to the girl that buying 3 glasses for $5 is more expensive than buying 3 glasses for $1 each. The girl disagrees and says that it costs less to buy 3 glasses for $5. He tries to explain once again, but the girl still says that buying 3 glasses for $5 is cheaper. Frustrated, the man buys 3 glasses of lemonade for $5 and 3 glasses of lemonade each for $1. He shows the girl that he bought the same amount of lemonade for $3 instead of $5 and states that the girl is wrong. The girl then replies, "I may be wrong, but you're the one who just bought 6 glasses of my lemonade!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xj8ui/a_man_sees_a_lemonade_stand/
%
[slight racism] So a Hercules plane is failing while carrying a small squad...

A Hercules plane has a motor go kapputt while in flight. The soldiers inside start throwing equipment off the plane to keep it lighter and help it fly better until it can land, but after they toss almost everything, the general says:
* General: We need to throw someone out of the plane!
* Soldier 1: Let's throw Jamal!
* Jamal : WTF is it because I'm black?
* G: Don't be racist, asshole! We'll think up a small contest. If you get the questions right, you stay. Okay, you, what country dropped the first nuclear bomb?
* S1: Easy, the US of A!
* G: Mighty fine, soldier! Now you, where was it dropped?
* S2: Uuuh... Hiroshima!
* G: Great! Now, you, how many survivors were after the bombing?
* S3: Hmm... Ugh, it was... 183,519!
* G: Bloody hell, soldier, you're privileged! Okay, Jamal... Give me the names of all of the survivors!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xj6qd/slight_racism_so_a_hercules_plane_is_failing/
%
Weight Loss Man

A man wants to lose weight. He sees an ad that boasts losing 5 pounds in one week so he calls and orders it. The next day he steps out his door and sees the best looking girl he has ever seen in just a sports bra, a thong, and a sign that reads "if you catch me I am yours". She runs and the man chases until he cant run any longer. When he weighs himself after 1 week he is happy to see he has lost 5 pounds as promised. He calls the company again as asks for the 10 pound program. The next day he walks out the door to see a girl completly naked with a sign that reads "if you catch me I am yours". He chases her for as long as he can. After 1 week he weighs himself and sees he has lost 10 pounds. He calls the company the next week and asks for the 25 pound program. The representative says "Are you sure? this is our most rigurous program". The man says yes and the next day he is excited to walk out the door until he sees an athletic looking naked man with a sign that reads "If I catch you, you are mine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xj3kv/weight_loss_man/
%
A married couple is driving...

down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 mph.
"I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
70 mph.
"I want the house as well."
75 mph.
"I want the kids."
80 mph.
"And I want the bank account and all the credit cards."
85 mph.
"You're taking this incredibly calmly," she said. "Isn't there anything you want?"
"I've got all I need."
"What's that?"
"The airbag."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xj1l8/a_married_couple_is_driving/
%
Do you know what's fucking intense?

Camping with your girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xizcm/do_you_know_whats_fucking_intense/
%
I knocked on my neighbour's door.

I said, "I've come to complain about the noise."
"That's really embarrassing," she replied, "Did you hear my girlfriend and I having sex?"
"I didn't," I replied, "From now on could you please be a little louder?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xiw62/i_knocked_on_my_neighbours_door/
%
Did you hear about the hockey game in the leper colony?

There was a face-off on the ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xit27/did_you_hear_about_the_hockey_game_in_the_leper/
%
How does Kris Kringle clean his hands?

Santatizer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xisp8/how_does_kris_kringle_clean_his_hands/
%
My friends 10 yo daughter made this up while in the elevator today: "Did you know Darth Vader has another daughter?"

Mom: "No, who?"
Daughter: "Ella, Ella Vader."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xismv/my_friends_10_yo_daughter_made_this_up_while_in/
%
I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xiris/i_told_my_wife_we_can_have_sex_or_go_see_star/
%
My girlfriend was so intent on going shopping for a dress that she wouldn't even think about seeing a movie.

I swear, she's such a clothes-minded person sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xipsr/my_girlfriend_was_so_intent_on_going_shopping_for/
%
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xiom7/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_ran_into_a_wall/
%
I ordered girlfriend from Thailand who thinks small penis isn't an obstacle for relationship.

Now I just have to get used to that she has one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xinf3/i_ordered_girlfriend_from_thailand_who_thinks/
%
A man is on his deathbed with...

his wife by his side. In his faint, dying breath, he tells her that there were two times he suspected she cheated on him, and he would like to know the truth, the whole truth, before he dies.
Rather hesitantly, she agrees to tell him everything. "Well first," she begins, "remember when you lost your job, the suddenly got it back with a pay increase?"
He nods understandingly.
Then she tells him, "Do you remember when Inland Revenue was going to do a big audit on you but later they dropped the audit and gave us a big refund instead?"
He, once again, hods his head understandingly.
Then he strains himself to ask, "Were there any other times you cheated on me?"
Even more hesitantly she says, "Yes dear, there was just one more time."
"Ohhh," he sighs in agony, "You must tell me."
"Ok, but only if you insist," she stammers.
"Remember the time when you were elected president of the golf club, but you were so sure you were going to lose by 23 votes?"
"Oh yes, I remember," winced the dying man.
Suddenly, he shot up in bed and exclaimed, "Damn... and I won by 45 votes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xik66/a_man_is_on_his_deathbed_with/
%
How do you know if Buzzfeed article is stolen?

You get the feeling that you've Reddit before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xihfo/how_do_you_know_if_buzzfeed_article_is_stolen/
%
What's the difference between a onion and a prostitute?

I don't cry when I cut prostitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xidh4/whats_the_difference_between_a_onion_and_a/
%
Whats the first thing you do when you spill something on your keyboard?

Try to disable sticky keys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xid1w/whats_the_first_thing_you_do_when_you_spill/
%
When is a rabbi dishonest?

July

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xiauq/when_is_a_rabbi_dishonest/
%
Vegetarian curry is like lesbian sex.

Same amount of heat, none of the meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xi8yu/vegetarian_curry_is_like_lesbian_sex/
%
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?

You can't. A mosquito is a vector and the mountain climber is a scaler.
Courtesy of my physics professor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xi7gx/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_mountain_climber/
%
How did Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalogue.
ba dum tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xi6ok/how_did_michael_jackson_pick_his_nose/
%
A band player accidentally broke his instrument.

He got in a lot of treble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xi2ue/a_band_player_accidentally_broke_his_instrument/
%
Three Nuns get into Heaven

Three nuns had died and were going to Heaven. They gathered at the Pearly Gates and met St. Peter, who said
"Congratulations Sisters you have made it to Heaven! Now to get in you must answer a question each"
One Nun steps forward and he asks "Who was the first man in Creation?"
"Well that would be Adam" she said.
Trumpets played, the gates opened, and she walked in.
The second Nun steps forward, and he asks "Who was the first Woman?"
"Well that would be Eve" she replied
Trumpets played, the gates opened, and she walked in.
The third and last Nun stepped forward, and he asked "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
The nun paused, pondering for a moment, and said "Wow that's a hard one"
Trumpets played, the gates opened....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xi29b/three_nuns_get_into_heaven/
%
I just found out they have Canadian Jeopardy

It's almost the same, only your answers must be in the form of an apology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xhxdn/i_just_found_out_they_have_canadian_jeopardy/
%
Gay jokes aren't funny

Cum on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xhtul/gay_jokes_arent_funny/
%
What's it called when you backtalk someone so hard they die?

A sassination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xhql6/whats_it_called_when_you_backtalk_someone_so_hard/
%
A blonde, redhead, and black girl survive a plane crash at sea...

They all climb aboard a raft, and the blonde says "girls I know how to get us rescued." She then let's all her beautiful blonde hair out of her ponytail and say's "Men always find me because of my bright blonde hair, the coast guard men will find us in no time!" The redhead then decides to take her shirt off revealing her gigantic gorgeous breasts, "All the guys always stare at these, there's no chance that the coast guard men will not see us now!" The black girl then decides to take all her clothes off, lays on her back, and puts her legs behind her head. The blonde and the redhead are surprised, "what are you doing?!" The black girl says, "whenever a plane crashes, they always look for the black box first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xhnls/a_blonde_redhead_and_black_girl_survive_a_plane/
%
I don't care what you say about vacuum cleaners

They still suck
Just like this joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xhlpr/i_dont_care_what_you_say_about_vacuum_cleaners/
%
I asked my Dad if we could get any pets...

He said pets are just a step backwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xhkv4/i_asked_my_dad_if_we_could_get_any_pets/
%
According to the bible, women's first mistake was listening to the devil.

Man's first mistake was listening to the woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xhdlk/according_to_the_bible_womens_first_mistake_was/
%
Why did the GameCube controller get off the boat?

Because he got a little c-stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xhd9j/why_did_the_gamecube_controller_get_off_the_boat/
%
Cannibal (N.)

~ Someone who is fed up with people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xh7wb/cannibal_n/
%
And on another note...

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xh7fa/and_on_another_note/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

And a Table. And a Chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xh6e1/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's green and has pricks all over?

Your family tree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xh5od/whats_green_and_has_pricks_all_over/
%
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xh5ez/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
%
If two vegans have an argument...

is it still considered beef?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xh2lb/if_two_vegans_have_an_argument/
%
I was going to consider brief units of time

but now I'm having second thoughts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xgzhu/i_was_going_to_consider_brief_units_of_time/
%
Luke Skywalker and Yoda are on a ride when...

**Luke**: *Are we on the right course, Master Yoda?*.
**Yoda**: *Off course we are*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xgx9h/luke_skywalker_and_yoda_are_on_a_ride_when/
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When I was younger I used to masturbate by having sex with a jar of peanut butter...

But growing up and looking back I realize I was just fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xgx0k/when_i_was_younger_i_used_to_masturbate_by_having/
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A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach...

...of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors.
“I’m done for,” the man cries in despair.
“No, you are not,” comes a booming voice from the heavens. “Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.”
The man does what he is told, turns to the heavens, and asks, “Now, what?”
The booming voice replies, “Now you are done for.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xgpfy/a_shipwreck_survivor_washes_up_on_the_beach/
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A Sensitive Guy

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.  She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
'Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds.
And he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom,
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,  they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xglg8/a_sensitive_guy/
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I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...

then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xgl65/i_woke_up_this_morning_and_realised_i_didnt_have/
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Driving behind a garbage truck

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xgko2/driving_behind_a_garbage_truck/
%
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

He was too far out, maan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xgdo3/why_couldnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippy/
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I’am looking for a bank loan which can perform two things

Give me a Loan and then leave me Alone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xgbdm/iam_looking_for_a_bank_loan_which_can_perform_two/
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How many passive aggressive people does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't bother, I'll do it myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xg6sm/how_many_passive_aggressive_people_does_it_take/
%
How do you make a redditor...

Click on a post?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xg6j8/how_do_you_make_a_redditor/
%
Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xg53n/why_is_air_a_lot_like_sex/
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Male and female parrots...

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xg4u1/male_and_female_parrots/
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How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero?

Three, Two to die, and One to never get over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xg21i/how_many_billionaires_does_it_take_to_make_a/
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A married couple are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary...

In the very hotel room that they honeymooned. The wife looks at her husband, drops her robe and asks him lovingly...
"Honey, do you remember our wedding night? When i stood before you as naked as i am now...what was going through your mind when you saw me these 25 years ago?"
He looked at her and said.."dear, you probably want to hear about how much i loved you and how lucky i was to have married you but thats not it. I was thinking about how i wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry" she smiled and said "awe honey...thats so sweet. Now that im standing in front of you once again 25 years later...what are you thinking now?"
He looked at her and said...
"Looks like i did a pretty good job"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xfzp2/a_married_couple_are_celebrating_their_25th/
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What did the moderator say to the redditor?

[Deleted]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xfzeo/what_did_the_moderator_say_to_the_redditor/
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A woman asked me how I view lesbianism the other day...

Apparently "in HD" was not an acceptable answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xfvk9/a_woman_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbianism_the_other/
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My friend has a PhD in sexual deviancy

She can talk about autoerotic asphyxiation until she's blue in the face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xfsdr/my_friend_has_a_phd_in_sexual_deviancy/
%
Racism is not a joke

Lol, JKKK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xfrbm/racism_is_not_a_joke/
%
For some mysterious reason, whenever I use a keyboard I always press the wrong keys.

I just can't put finger on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xfprg/for_some_mysterious_reason_whenever_i_use_a/
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There's a gang in my area...

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join.
But enough about the church...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xfou6/theres_a_gang_in_my_area/
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North Korea has finished nuking the South, and there was one man left alive.

He was the Seoul survivor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xfjdt/north_korea_has_finished_nuking_the_south_and/
%
Why was the pencil in the toilet?

It was a No. 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xff1a/why_was_the_pencil_in_the_toilet/
%
Captain America's shield was made of Adamantium. What was Hawkeye's shield made of?

Quicksilver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xfd78/captain_americas_shield_was_made_of_adamantium/
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TIL of an odd political problem in Colorado.

Cattle has long been the number one agricultural product of Colorado, but the recent legalization of marijuana is causing significant and unforeseen problems.
Apparently, cows love marijuana as much as people, and cattle ranches and nearby marijuana farms are on the brink of open warfare. Cows keep breaking down fences and eating entire crops of marijuana, so the growers are suing the ranchers for damages. At the same time, cattle ranchers are counter-suing the marijuana growers for damaging THEIR product, since consuming even a small amount of marijuana ruins the flavor of both beef and milk.
Tensions are running extremely high, and the political fallout could be extreme. In addition to the lawsuits, both sides are gathering signatures for ballot measures to limit the other group's ability to retaliate. It's an incredibly important issue for the entire state, threatening the entire future of either Colorado's historic beef industry or its new but rapidly-growing marijuana industry. The economic impact is unprecedented, and the political, social, and legal fallout will likely affect the entire nation.
Basically, the steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xfc52/til_of_an_odd_political_problem_in_colorado/
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The Violin Ensemble playing in Carnegie Hall somehow got an R-18 rating...

The censors say it contains explicit scenes of violins encore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xfbnc/the_violin_ensemble_playing_in_carnegie_hall/
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A trucker walks into a whorehouse..

The Madam walks up to the trucker and says "How can I help you?" to which the trucker replies " I have $1000, I want the ugliest, meanest, foul mouthed women you have." The Madame says "for $1000 you have can the sexiest, smoothest, most beautiful lady we have." the Trucker replies" ma'am I mean no disrespect, but I'm not horny, I'm homesick"
Courtesy of my late grandfather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xfbex/a_trucker_walks_into_a_whorehouse/
%
Alcohol and calculus don't mix...

...never drink and derive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xf9cn/alcohol_and_calculus_dont_mix/
%
I was at the mall with my friend looking for a 'Learn to speak Spanish' book. [apologies in advance for what I hope is OC]

My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.
"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."
[Again, sorry. I tried. :) I was going to work 'sticks' and 7 ate 9  into it but have a go yourself.  ]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xf52q/i_was_at_the_mall_with_my_friend_looking_for_a/
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What do you call a colorful nipple?

Areola Borealis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xf3ih/what_do_you_call_a_colorful_nipple/
%
I would tell a Sith joke...

but I don't know if you like darth humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xf0lg/i_would_tell_a_sith_joke/
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You know what I hate about abortion clinics..

They really suck the life out of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xeyt3/you_know_what_i_hate_about_abortion_clinics/
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How do you know when your at a gay bbq?

All the wieners taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xew6z/how_do_you_know_when_your_at_a_gay_bbq/
%
Not only do I have Cancer, MS, Parkinson's Disease, Cystic Fibrosis, and Alzheimer’s; I went to the Doctor today and he told me that I have another weird-named disease:

Hypochondria.
Prayers please, every upvote counts as a prayer ^/s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xeuid/not_only_do_i_have_cancer_ms_parkinsons_disease/
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A man shot his wife

Judge: Sir, why did you shoot your wife?
Man: Well your honor, it was easier than shooting a different man every night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xetp2/a_man_shot_his_wife/
%
Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Lucky's. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's.....it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that she (Seven) looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.
Six's wife tried to tell him a good story the other day. Six doesn't remember the last time he heard a good story he could laugh at.... She couldn't understand why Six couldn't relate. Nobody seems to understand the toll it takes on your mind... Seeing all those innocent people die by your hands.... But we had orders... We had to do what we were told.... We... We had to.... right?? But that day... That day she looked at him with those eyes... That look of helplessness.... The same way Charlie looked at him before he got... No.. No... It's too much... The way they all looked me just before it happened..... That look of terror.... The look of fear... It was the same look of desperation she was giving me right then... And it was terrifying...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xesq0/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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Sad Christmas Story

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later, so, mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy about 12 years old. He was short and thin, and had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.
He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.
He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.
So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xeoof/sad_christmas_story/
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People that climb mountains

just follow a natural inclination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xem3c/people_that_climb_mountains/
%
A young couple, just married, were...

in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on, but they were way too big.
"I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on, and they were way to thin.
"Hell," he said, "I can't get into your panties."
She replied, "That's right, and it's going to be that way till your attitude changes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xejat/a_young_couple_just_married_were/
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What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graaaaaains.
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xeeed/what_do_vegetarian_zombies_eat/
%
What do you get when you have rough sex in an ice cream parlour?

A sore bae.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xeck2/what_do_you_get_when_you_have_rough_sex_in_an_ice/
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Who wants to hear a Star Wars Spoiler?

Darth Vader is Luke's dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xe9dx/who_wants_to_hear_a_star_wars_spoiler/
%
Where's a lesbian's favorite place to shop?

The Liquor store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xe87y/wheres_a_lesbians_favorite_place_to_shop/
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An Irishman finds a genie...

...and as usual, gets the standard three wishes.
The Irishman thinks for a moment, and then finally his eyes get wide.  "I wish for a beer mug that'll fill itself back up with my favorite brew as soon as I empty it."
**POOF** He gets his mug, foaming over with his favorite beer.  The genie says, "Go on, give it a try."  So the Irishman downs the contents of the mug in one huge gulp, and watches with glee as the mug magically refills.  He downs it again, and mug fills again.  He could not be happier!
"Genie! This is wonderful! Thank you so much!"
Genie says, "You've still got two more wishes."
Irishman says, "Good.  Give me two more of these."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xe6pv/an_irishman_finds_a_genie/
%
A man approaches a prostitute

"how much for a blow job?"
"$30"
"Can you do 20?"
"sure"
"Great here's $600"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xe3gp/a_man_approaches_a_prostitute/
%
4 women were working quietly on a project

that's it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xe36q/4_women_were_working_quietly_on_a_project/
%
Three women have to climb a 1000 step pyramid to get to heaven...

A ginger, a brunette, and a blonde have to climb a 1000 step pyramid to get to heaven. At every step, God tells them a joke, and if they laugh, they go to hell.
The ginger goes first, gets to the 156th step, laughs, and gets sent to hell.
The brunette goes second, gets to the 548th step, laughs, and gets sent to hell.
The blonde goes last, gets to the 1000th step, and laughs. God asked her why she laughed at the last step, and she said "I finally got the first joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xe2r8/three_women_have_to_climb_a_1000_step_pyramid_to/
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The Engineer's Interview

An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced. To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them. He tells the three interviewees, "So this building we're in, any idea how tall it is, down to the inch?" All three shake their heads. Turning to the first he says, so if I gave you an accurate barometer, how would you determine the height? The engineer pauses and says, "Well, I'd measure the pressure difference between the roof and ground, use that to find the change in altitude". Nodding, the interviewer turns to the second candidate. "And you? How would you measure this?", "Well" says the second engineer, "I would measure the shadow cast by the barometer and the shadow cast by the building. We know the length of one, we can find the length of the other". "Very good!" said the interviewer, finally turning to the last engineer. "And you?" After a moment's thought the third engineer finally says, "I think I'd just find the building manager, offer to give him a shiny new barometer if he told me how tall the building is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xe05j/the_engineers_interview/
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Know-it-alls think themselves a fountain of knowledge. In truth they are an oil spill of knowledge...

Unwelcome and hard to get rid of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xdxrr/knowitalls_think_themselves_a_fountain_of/
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Labor union joke

A labor union organizer goes to a whorehouse and asks the madam if the girls are in a union. "Sorry," she replies, so he leaves.
He goes to a second whorehouse, and again asks the madam if the girls are in a union. When told they are not, he asks, "How can I spend my money here when you do not share your profits with your labor?" and leaves.
He goes to a third whorehouse and again asks the madam if the girls are in a union. "They are," the madam proudly replies. "Great," he says. "I'll go with that cute little blonde over there." "You can't," the madam says. "You have to go with the old grey-haired lady over there. She has seniority."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xdwej/labor_union_joke/
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My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.

That's a bit far-fetched.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xdvsg/my_talking_dog_gave_me_a_stick_the_other_day_and/
%
What do you call a Mexican walking on the moon?

An astronaut you racist..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xdrfp/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_walking_on_the_moon/
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25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary...

It means 75% are running around untreated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xdqtj/25_of_the_women_in_this_country_are_on_medication/
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I challenged a guy to a game of Pool.

"The winner gets to sleep with my girlfriend," I declared.
Boy, did he look smug when he won.
Jokes on him though, I don't have a girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xdg2f/i_challenged_a_guy_to_a_game_of_pool/
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What do you call it when a doctor has sex with a quarantined patient?

Sick Fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xdevo/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_doctor_has_sex_with_a/
%
I took my kids to the aquarium.

"If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.
"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xdekw/i_took_my_kids_to_the_aquarium/
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I'm surprised 4 isn't an unlucky number.

Nothing good ever comes from putting 2 and 2 together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xdebo/im_surprised_4_isnt_an_unlucky_number/
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[Warning: Nerdy] Two self driving cars lost control on the freeway and crashed, killing 4.

Experts say it was caused by a race condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xdbmw/warning_nerdy_two_self_driving_cars_lost_control/
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If you're not part of the solution...

You're part of the precipitate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xd80c/if_youre_not_part_of_the_solution/
%
Cheap parrot

A woman decides she wants to buy a pet so she heads down to the local pet store. After a bit of browsing, she fixes her attention on a lovely talking parrot on sale for only $10. The clerk tells her the parrot's going cheap because it used to live in a house of ill repute so it may not be the most family friendly of pets. Thinking this deal is too good to pass up, she buys it without hesitation.
She gets home and places the parrot near the entrance. The parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madame!" The woman is startled by this but laughs it off. Later, her two teenage daughters get home, the parrot looks at them and remarks, "New house, new madame, new prostitutes!" The girls are shocked by this but after some explaining by the mom, they all laugh it off. The woman is delighted and eagerly awaits her husband so she can see what his reaction will be.
The husband arrives moments later. The parrot looks at him and says,"Hello Keith!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xd28x/cheap_parrot/
%
The fattest knight at King Arthur's

round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xd150/the_fattest_knight_at_king_arthurs/
%
A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xczmy/a_drunk_guy_calls_a_radio_station/
%
Empire Strikes Back is still my favorite StarWars episode.

One could say it is a perfect 5/7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xczlq/empire_strikes_back_is_still_my_favorite_starwars/
%
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister,

"I slept with a Brazilian..."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xcv5u/a_redhead_tells_her_blonde_stepsister/
%
Two elves walk into Santa's office.

Santa looks up and says, "Gary, Larry, how can I help you?" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa.
"Santa", Gary says, "Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?" Santa checks a list and says, "No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop."
Gary asks, "Well Santa, are there any elf nuns working any where in the compound?" Santa checks a list then says, "I'm sorry, but there are no elf nuns working in the coumpound."
Gary looks at Larry and asks, "Santa, are there any elf nuns in the North Pole at all?" Santa looks at his list for a few minutes and says, "I'm sorry Gary, but there aren't any elf nuns in the North Pole."
Larry finally busts out laughing and says, "See? I knew you fucked a penguin!"
'Tis the season for giving, post your best holiday joke!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xcsq7/two_elves_walk_into_santas_office/
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Taste Like Peppermint

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............
But they kind of taste like peppermint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xcqny/taste_like_peppermint/
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A touching moment with Santa...

Little Johnny climbs onto Santa's lap at the department store.
Santa says, "I'll bet I know what you want for Christmas."
And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S."
The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa tries again, tapping Johnny's nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again, Johnny says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y. And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xcpwc/a_touching_moment_with_santa/
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A note to the mods

🎵

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xcpb9/a_note_to_the_mods/
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Movies are always more fun if you dress up like the characters.

Like the time I didn't eat for 3 weeks and then saw Schindler's List.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xckzb/movies_are_always_more_fun_if_you_dress_up_like/
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Why should white blood cells never discuss God?

Because they would be using the lord's name in vein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xcgfd/why_should_white_blood_cells_never_discuss_god/
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I know how the Force Awakens ends!

Credits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xcf09/i_know_how_the_force_awakens_ends/
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Engineering Position

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a refinery company. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job." Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down: "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xceqw/engineering_position/
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A madame is managing a whorehouse . . .

. . . when she sees a new john come in. She sends over her newest girl. The madame sees her sit on his lap and flirt a bit. Then he wispers something in her ear. She looks horrified and yells, "Oh God no!" and runs away.
The madame thinks, O.K., this guy is a little kinky. So she sends over one of her more experienced gals. She sits on his lap, he whispers in her ear, and she shouts "Are you kidding me!" and storms off.
At this point, the madame thinks alright, this guy is a freak. She sends in her skankiest gal who has seen and done every sex act known to man. She sits on his lap, he whispers in his ear, and she stands up and slaps him in the face and hurries away.
The madame can't stand it anymore. She goes up to the john and demands, "What have you been whispering in my girls' ears?!"
He replies sheepishly, "Sorry, eh? I just wanted to know if I could pay in Canadian dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xccxc/a_madame_is_managing_a_whorehouse/
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What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A Doyouthinkhesawus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xcbqm/what_do_you_call_a_blind_dinosaur/
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There's this inflatable boy...

And he goes to this inflatable school and, while there, finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.
The inflatable boy pulls out a pin and punctures the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatable school gates. Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks again, "I hate school", and once more pulls out his pin and pokes it into the inflatable school. He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom.
A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable Police. Panicking, our inflatable boy yet again pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster.
Shaking his deflated head - more in sorrow than in anger - the Headmaster says to the inflatable boy:
"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xc53o/theres_this_inflatable_boy/
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Some friends and I were having a discussion about our professions.

"I fuck more of my clientele than any of you," spouted Johnny, rather confidently.
"What do you do?" I asked him.
He replied, "I'm a personal trainer."
"That's great," I added, "But I definitely fuck more of my clientele than you."
"What do you do?" he asked curiously.
I said, "I'm an undertaker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xc49s/some_friends_and_i_were_having_a_discussion_about/
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A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xbuiv/a_couple_is_walking_in_east_berlin_on_christmas/
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A husband and his wife take a day trip to the local . . .

A husband and his wife take a day trip to the local zoo.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, grunting and pounding his chest. He’s obviously quite excited about the man’s pretty wife in the wavy, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
The husband, noticing the gorilla’s excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. The wife obliges.
Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. Now, Mr. Gorilla is about ready to tear the bars down in excitement. The husband further encourages his wife to lift her dress to show a little leg. This, too, drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
The husband quickly grabs his wife, rips open the door to the gorilla cage, slings her in with the ape and exclaims, “Now, try telling HIM you have a headache!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xbtnw/a_husband_and_his_wife_take_a_day_trip_to_the/
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How do you confuse a gay person?

Seven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xbthh/how_do_you_confuse_a_gay_person/
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A Holiday Snack

It was Christmas Eve.
A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping.
Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
"What is that?" he asked.
She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xbnkg/a_holiday_snack/
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A man was pulled over for speeding...

A man was pulled over for speeding. The officer walks up to the car and says to the driver, "Look, I've had a long day and my shift is almost over. If you can give me a good reason why you're speeding, I'll let it slide"
The man replies, "well, officer, my wife left me a few weeks ago for a cop. I thought you were trying to bring her back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xbmhv/a_man_was_pulled_over_for_speeding/
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Working With The FBI

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xblpx/working_with_the_fbi/
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I'm sick of numbers defining me

- gpa
- sat score
- grades
- weight
- first-degree murder convictions
these things don't define who I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xbhs9/im_sick_of_numbers_defining_me/
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A women was in bed with her lover...

when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you to." she said, "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Joneses bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to bed.
Around 2 in the morning, the husband got out of bed went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Joneses for 2 days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xbhgf/a_women_was_in_bed_with_her_lover/
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I tried convincing my melon-loving girlfriend to run away with me.

But she told me she Cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xbdh0/i_tried_convincing_my_melonloving_girlfriend_to/
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There's an email going around

offering processed pork, gelatin, and salt in a can. If you get this email, do not open it.
It's spam.
Crap looks like /r/jokes is going to delete my joke
"These are jokes. Some of them are old, and as such reflect the tone of the times. Some of them are new, and just as offensive. Unless it's spam, it stays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xbagg/theres_an_email_going_around/
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A magicians working on a cruise.

A magician was working on a cruise ship.
Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said
"Okay, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xb47z/a_magicians_working_on_a_cruise/
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Why did Star Wars come out 4,5,6,1,2,3?

Because in charge of sequence, yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xb3b2/why_did_star_wars_come_out_456123/
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What do you do when a cannibal eats a vegetable?

Throw away the wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xb2r1/what_do_you_do_when_a_cannibal_eats_a_vegetable/
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There was a runner...

He was the fastest man in the world, and promised to all the chefs in the world that if they could bring him his favorite kind of hot dog while he was on his daily jog, then he would give them free running lessons.
Hundreds of chefs attempted to give him the best recipe after catching him, yet they all failed.
Finally, a humble chef from New York decided to try out.  He made his hot dog for this runner and caught up to him.
As soon as the runner took a bite, he was amazed.  It WAS the best dog he'd ever eaten.  He then asked the chef how he knew the recipe and was able to catch up to him.
The chef was surprised, thinking it was obvious and responded, "Well, I just took my thyme and mustard the energy to ketchup!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xayin/there_was_a_runner/
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What do you call Star Wars Spoilers?

*Wookie*Leaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xay4c/what_do_you_call_star_wars_spoilers/
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What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They can smell it but they can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xavhf/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_boy/
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An old rich man who has no heirs invites his friends to a dinner party

An old rich man invites his friends to a dinner party. As they finish up the dinner, the old man invites them outside to the pool. They see that there are alligators swimming in the pool. The old man explains.
"As you all know, I am extremely wealthy with no heirs (I'm not bald, though). However, all of this money can't save me from the deadliest diesease known to man; old age. I, therefore, have set up a test to see who deserves all of my money. Plus, if you pass this test, I will grant you one wish. I have ties at high places, so your wish is guaranteed to happen.
Now, all you have to do to pass this test is swim across the pool and back again. Obviously, try not to get eaten by the alligators as if you are dead you will not be able to collect the reward."
As soon as the old man finishes his speech, a splash is heard. Everyone turns and sees a man  swimming as fast as he can to the other end of the pool. The alligators also notice this and swim after him. The man gets to the end of the pool and turns back to swim to the other side.
But he notices, right in front of him, a big alligator who can't wait to get a tasty snack. The man swims *directly* towards it and right when it seems he's a goner, the man swims under the alligator, kicking off of the ground of the pool to gain a boost. The man swims for his life and gets out of the pool right before the alligator takes a huge bite at where the man's foot had just been.
The old rich man gives the winner a towel and says, "Well, you dove straight into that one. Congratulations, you are now a multi-billionaire. But you get one final request. What is your wish?"
The man pauses for a second, thinks, and says, "Well, I want to know who was the asshole that pushed me in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xast5/an_old_rich_man_who_has_no_heirs_invites_his/
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Pickled Penis(NSFW)

A woman and her husband were experiencing marital problems, to the point where they were no longer having sex. After visiting several counselors the problems were not resolved. The woman grew desperate, and was afraid to ask her husband for sex. In her desperation she visited a Gypsy, and explained her problem. The gypsy rummaged through her chest, and pulled out a jar with a pickled penis in it. She told the women to say the words "Pickled penis my vagina" and it would have sex with her. The woman takes it home and says the words. The pickled penis worked great. As she reaches her climax her husband burst through the door and screams," What the fuck is that!" She tells him its a pickled penis. The husband unfortunately replies,"Pickled penis my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xarr2/pickled_penisnsfw/
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A mushroom walks into a bar...

and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xaprt/a_mushroom_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's Chris Brown's favorite professional sport?

Sockher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xaohu/whats_chris_browns_favorite_professional_sport/
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Why does Jesus like Japanese food?

Because he loves miso

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xaao0/why_does_jesus_like_japanese_food/
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I took some pictures of my girlfriend's butt this morning

I'm saving them for posteriority.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xa904/i_took_some_pictures_of_my_girlfriends_butt_this/
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How many McDonald's employees does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't climb the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xa3yi/how_many_mcdonalds_employees_does_it_take_to/
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What foreplay does the praying mantis girlfriend enjoys ?

Being given head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xa04z/what_foreplay_does_the_praying_mantis_girlfriend/
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A woman was 9 months pregnant...

...and she didn't wanna go to the hospital no matter what. One day she is walking up the stairs inside her home when her water breaks, she then lays down Right there and gives birth with the assistance of her husband. Once the baby is born the mother is holding her baby and says to her husband "I don't think this is yours..." He looks at her confused and asks "what do you mean?", she looks him in the eyes and says "because it's a step-child"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9vre/a_woman_was_9_months_pregnant/
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How many millennials does it take to change a light-bulb?

One, but he has to create a safe-space where the light-bulb can go to avoid being offended that it's being replaced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9vg3/how_many_millennials_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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On average, an American man will have sex

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9uob/on_average_an_american_man_will_have_sex/
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A young American couple are walking through Moscow...

A young American couple are walking through Moscow on an unseasonably warm December night. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think its raining" says the man.
"No, I'm quite sure thats snow."replies the woman.
"How about we ask the guard?" The man suggests. "Oh, Officer Olph? He was quite snappy with us last night... but alright".
"Excuse me, officer, is it raining or snowing?" the man asks.
"Rain" the officer curtly replies, turning away from them.
"See" says the man, "Rude Olph the red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9rfl/a_young_american_couple_are_walking_through_moscow/
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A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar

The bartender asks what they're having.
The witch replies "Narnia business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9qy8/a_lion_a_witch_and_a_wardrobe_walk_into_a_bar/
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My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.

Waitress: Are you all finished?
Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9pvw/my_dad_is_100_swedish_and_this_was_his_favorite/
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What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut sleeps with everybody. A bitch sleeps with everybody but you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9opu/whats_the_difference_between_a_slut_and_a_bitch/
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My Acceptance Speech

"I would like to thank my arms, for always being by my side. My legs, for always supporting me, as best they could. As for my fingers, well I could always count on them. And finally my hips, for they never lied."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9khr/my_acceptance_speech/
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How do you know your girlfriend is too young for you?

You have to make airplane noises to put your dick in her mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9h1l/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriend_is_too_young_for/
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Grilled some hotdogs and offered my friend one

He said, "No thanks, I'm Jewish."
I said, "Don't worry, they're free."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9gwk/grilled_some_hotdogs_and_offered_my_friend_one/
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I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

He was dead Sirius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9fpp/i_thought_my_roommate_was_joking_when_he_said/
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A Jewish boy walks up to his dad...

A Jewish boy walks up to his dad and says "hey dad! Can I borrow fifty dollars?
His dad says "forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9ec6/a_jewish_boy_walks_up_to_his_dad/
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A pregnant woman got in a car wreck and went into a coma.

While in the coma, she gave birth to twins.
4 months later she woke up asking where her kids were.
The nurse informed her she had given birth to twins, a boy and a girl, and her brother has been taking care of them.
The woman said "Oh no, not my idiot brother. What did he name my daughter?"
"Denise" the nurse said.
"Oh, that's not bad. What about the boy"
The nurse replied "Da-nephew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9dv1/a_pregnant_woman_got_in_a_car_wreck_and_went_into/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9djg/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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When I found out my microwave wasn't waterproof...

I was shocked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9c0u/when_i_found_out_my_microwave_wasnt_waterproof/
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Customer told me this yesterday...

First comes the engagement ring...followed by the marriage ring...but no one ever told me what came after that. The suffering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x95ra/customer_told_me_this_yesterday/
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What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Ba na na nas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x90qg/what_is_beethovens_favorite_fruit/
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My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas

I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x904y/my_lesbian_neighbors_got_me_a_rolex_for_christmas/
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Please let us know if this restroom needs attention

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x8ueb/please_let_us_know_if_this_restroom_needs/
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Why does Hillary Clinton want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?

She wants to be the first lady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x8rry/why_does_hillary_clinton_want_to_have_sex_with/
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I lost 8 kilos this weeks

Damn sniffer dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x8qln/i_lost_8_kilos_this_weeks/
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Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"
Confused,  the Maitre'd does a quick head count,  and says "But there are only 13 of you."
Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x8jqh/jesus_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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An Indian lady visited a bar for the first time

, She sat on the table in front of the bartender..
A guy at her left side ordered: "Jack Daniels, Single"
A guy at her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"
The bartender looked at the lady & said: And you..??
She replied: "Savitri Deshpande, Married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x8j3b/an_indian_lady_visited_a_bar_for_the_first_time/
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I've been locked in a room to cure my acne.

I haven't broken out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x8h59/ive_been_locked_in_a_room_to_cure_my_acne/
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Lawyer Joke

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So . . . If I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x8guv/lawyer_joke/
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How are skinny jeans like a small mansion?

They have no ball room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x8d5f/how_are_skinny_jeans_like_a_small_mansion/
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Stimulant

2. Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x8awt/stimulant/
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So, a guy is hanging out at a bar before meeting up with his girlfriend.

So, a guy was hangin out at a bar, before going to meet his girlfriend. He ends up getting wasted, throwing up all over himself, and missing his date. He goes up to the bartender and says, "Man, she's gonna kill me when I show up drunk and covered in puke!"
The bartender says, "You have a twenty dollar bill?"
"Yeah," says the guy.
"Well, stick it jn your front pocket, and tell you girlfriend a drunk threw up on you, and he put a 20 in your pocket so you can have your shirt cleaned. Problem solved!"
So the guy goes home to confront his girlfriend, and she starts yelling at him, accusing him of being sloppy drunk.
"No! Another guy threw up on me! See, he even gave me twenty bucks to have my shirt cleaned!"
The girlfriend takes the money, "There's forty dollars here."
"He pooped my pants, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x8awa/so_a_guy_is_hanging_out_at_a_bar_before_meeting/
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Why are erectile dysfunction jokes so unfunny?

They're not hard to make.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x88jf/why_are_erectile_dysfunction_jokes_so_unfunny/
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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer

to “Where do pets come from?”
Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day.
Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us.”
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and
who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when
you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourselves.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he wagged his
tail.
And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom,
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, ” I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
“Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks
and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that
they are loved, but perhaps too well.”
And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them
and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations,
so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not
obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they
were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x846v/a_newly_discovered_chapter_in_the_book_of_genesis/
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Learning to Swear

Two brothers, 7 and 5, decide one evening that they are getting older, and it's time they learned to swear. The older brother says that he will work on "Damn" and the younger brother agrees to refine his usage of "Ass".
The next morning, the brothers come down the stairs and their mother asks them what they'll have for breakfast. The older brother pipes up "I'll have some of those damn Cheerios!"
The mother gasps, spanks the boy, drags him to the bathroom to wash his mouth out with soap, and takes him up to his room for timeout. She comes back downstairs and asks the younger brother "Okay, what will you have for breakfast?"
The younger brother shrugs and says "I don't know, but you can bet your ass I don't want any of those Cheerios!"
Joke credit: My Grandma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x841t/learning_to_swear/
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A man and a boy are walking through the dark woods together

Boy: Wow this is really scary
Man: How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x838e/a_man_and_a_boy_are_walking_through_the_dark/
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Sex Is Like A Restaurant

Sometimes You Get Good Service,
Sometimes Bad Service,
Sometimes No Service,
And Sometimes You Have To Be Happy With Self-Service

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x81f3/sex_is_like_a_restaurant/
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Yesterday, I got food poisoning

I don't know when I'll use it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x812b/yesterday_i_got_food_poisoning/
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A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.

When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.
Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe them.
You know, these politicians. They can lie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x80k7/a_farmer_saw_a_plane_full_of_politicians_crash/
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What's the difference between a whore and a prostitute?

One of them is a paid professional and the other one's your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7w93/whats_the_difference_between_a_whore_and_a/
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Funny & dirty strip club joke

A man went to a strip club and took a seat in the front row. As soon as the first dancer walked out the guy directly behind him yelled "yh Baby thats what i've been waiting for." the man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
A few minutes later the stripper took of her top revealing her bra. the guy behind our friend goes off again "yh baby, shake those things!!"
Our friend turns round and says "cool it buddy"
A few minutes after the stripper takes of her skirt revealing a G-String. again the man behind yells out "yh baby, you're almost there"
Our friend turns round again and says "will you shut up"
A few minutes later the stripper takes of her bra and G-string and everyone goes wild except for the guy behind our friend
Curious our friend in front turns around and asks "yo buddy, wheres your enthusiasm now?"
The guy responds, "its all over your back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7v8f/funny_dirty_strip_club_joke/
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I saw a midget carrying his TV to his car today and I asked him if he wanted a hand.

He said:
Fuck off asshole, it's an ipad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7qgt/i_saw_a_midget_carrying_his_tv_to_his_car_today/
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Sex with two is a twosome, sex with three is a threesome.

Why do you think guys are called handsome?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7q4h/sex_with_two_is_a_twosome_sex_with_three_is_a/
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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun...

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7opr/a_hippie_gets_onto_a_bus_and_sits_next_to_a_nun/
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List of the best jokes on this sub:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7nqa/list_of_the_best_jokes_on_this_sub/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7nqa/list_of_the_best_jokes_on_this_sub/
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Bob is suffering from premature issues in the bedroom...

Him and his wife are tired of it, it's starting to hurt their marriage. Bob decides to take his lunch hour from work and head to his doctor about it.
"Well Dick, it's just happening too fast, I can't seem to get it under control, what do you think?"
"Bob, we have pills and treatments and the like, but I have a trick you can try before we go down those routes."
Bob replies "Well Dick, I am all ears."
"When ever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." Dick replies reassuringly.
Bob leaves the doctors feeling excited, what a brilliant plan he thought. On his way he started to brainstorm - what could reliably startle him? He was a pretty tough guy and wasn't scared of much.
He happened to pass a gun shop and then it clicked, a starter pistol! He loops around and pulls in, this was it he thought, his problems we're all over now. Bob picks up his new secret weapon on the spot, being a non lethal weapon it allowed him to pick it up right then and there.
Deciding to skip the second half of work Bob went straight home, it was time to make things right with his wife...
Surprising her with his early arrival, she was already naked and ready to go. They start going at it and before long they were 69ing and he felt the urge and fired the pistol!
The next day he went to the doctors and Dick asked "Well, how did it go?"
"Not so good Dick... when I fired the pistol my wife bit off 3 inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of my closet naked with his hands up.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7myv/bob_is_suffering_from_premature_issues_in_the/
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7m6y/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_20_years/
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What do Rudolph and your mom have in common?

They'll both let fat men with eight bucks ride behind them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7kct/what_do_rudolph_and_your_mom_have_in_common/
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Dasher, dancer, prancer, and vixen.

The four stages of Bruce Jenner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7jjy/dasher_dancer_prancer_and_vixen/
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How are relationships like algebra?

You look at your X and try to find out Y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7j2o/how_are_relationships_like_algebra/
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The FBI had an open position for an assassin

. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7hfg/the_fbi_had_an_open_position_for_an_assassin/
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How do you tell the difference between the Japanese and Chinese?

A geiger counter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7e4y/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_the/
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Hitchhiking

*Ted stopped on the side of the road after seeing a hitchhiker.*
* **Hitchhiker:** Hello there. Is the city far?
* **Ted:** No.
* **Hitchhiker:** May I get in your car?
* **Ted:** Yes.
*After a couple of hours of driving in silence...*
* **Hitchhiker:** Is the city far?
* **Ted:** Yes, now it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7ci1/hitchhiking/
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Where does spaghetti go to dance?

The meatball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7b0x/where_does_spaghetti_go_to_dance/
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What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?

A lost clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x75o8/what_do_you_call_santa_living_at_the_south_pole/
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Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x74vo/why_is_santa_so_jolly/
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My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x71il/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/
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If I'm ever on life support, I want to be unplugged.

And then plugged back in to see if that helps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x6xs5/if_im_ever_on_life_support_i_want_to_be_unplugged/
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Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x6vzk/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold...

But now I know it actually means "getting back at somebody".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x6tmd/i_used_to_think_revenge_was_a_dish_best_served/
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When I die I'd like to be cremated

I think I've urned it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x6rn1/when_i_die_id_like_to_be_cremated/
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Kindergarten homework assignment

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period,'' said the little boy. "Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''I don't know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x6paa/kindergarten_homework_assignment/
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I don't know why they don't let priests marry and have kids

seems like a great way to guarantee they don't have sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x6ka1/i_dont_know_why_they_dont_let_priests_marry_and/
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Last week I gave a lecture on sexual dysfunction

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x6hz2/last_week_i_gave_a_lecture_on_sexual_dysfunction/
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What do you call a lizard that doesn't work?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x69f8/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_that_doesnt_work/
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Bad holiday joke

I love Hollandaise sauce, and put it on everything, but the lemon juice in it reeks havoc on my dentures. My dentist said he has just the thing: dentures made of chrome. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x63fy/bad_holiday_joke/
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" still a virgin "

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x622e/still_a_virgin/
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It's politically incorrect to say 'black paint' these days...

You must say, "Jamal, would you mind painting the fence please?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x61gq/its_politically_incorrect_to_say_black_paint/
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What do you call a Muslim abortion clinic?

Counter-terrorism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x5yyy/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_abortion_clinic/
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3 Generals are having a contest.

3 Generals one from the Army, one from Marines, and one from the Air Force are having a contest. A contest to see who's troops have the biggest balls.
The Air Force general looks to one of his best pilots and shouts "You..Pilot..take that fighter to 10000ft and then go straight down and pull up at 200ft." The pilot does so and pulls up at 200ft and explodes into a firey ball when he hits the ground. The Air Force general looks at other two and says "You see that there's no way that pilot could have ever pulled that off, but since Air Force troops have the most balls he tried anyway."
The Marine general then yells out "You...Marine...go stop that tank...WITH YOUR FACE!!". The marine runs over to a tank driving by and smashes his face against the armor and is then crushed into a bloody mess under the treads. The general looks to the other two and explains, "YOU SEE THAT....MARINES HAVE SUCH BIG BALLS THEY'LL TRY TO STOP A TANK WITH THEIR FACE."
The Army General points to a C130 and tells the other two "Follow me and get on this plane." The 3 general board the plane and ride to 1200 feet. The Army General looks at a soldier.."YOU PRIVATE...give me your parachute." The private does so. The general points to the door of the plane and says "Now jump out!". The private hesitates and then snaps to attention..."Sir! " he's says "What soldier?!" the general replies. "FUCK YOU SIR!!!". The Army General looks at the Marine and Air Force general and smiles. "We're done here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x5ymj/3_generals_are_having_a_contest/
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BREAKING: Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field.

The steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x5yiy/breaking_police_are_trying_to_rescue_a_cow_lost/
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Did you hear what happened to the man who ate too much spaghetti?

He pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x5yhl/did_you_hear_what_happened_to_the_man_who_ate_too/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, there's no need for a lightbulb with a glass ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x5xe9/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Two blondes walk up to a bus stop...

The first blonde walks up to the bus and asks, "will this bus take me to the city centre?"
The driver replies, "I'm afraid not."
The second blonde walks over, smiles sweetly and asks, "will it take *me* there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x5ocq/two_blondes_walk_up_to_a_bus_stop/
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A man walked into McDonald's and saw a black woman with 8 children running all around her.

"Mike, stop that!" she shouted at one.
"Mike, stop bothering your brother," she yelled at another.
"Mike, how many times do I have to tell you not to pick your nose," she chided yet another.
"I'm sorry ma'am," the man said, "but...  are all your boys named Mike?"
"Yes sir," she replied.
"Isn't that confusing?" he asked.
"No, they all have different last names."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x5msr/a_man_walked_into_mcdonalds_and_saw_a_black_woman/
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Whats the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x5h8g/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_bag_of/
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The average person has sex 89 times a year

This is gonna be one hell of a two weeks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x5gq7/the_average_person_has_sex_89_times_a_year/
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You know why it’s women and children first off of a sinking ship?

It’s so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x5e2z/you_know_why_its_women_and_children_first_off_of/
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A rabbit and a bear were walking through the woods

The bear turns to the rabbit and says man I gotta shit. The rabbit said you know what me too.
They each find their oun perspective bush, then meet back on the trail.
Then bear turns to the rabbit and asks sheepishly, do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?
Rabbit says no,
Bear picks him up and wipes his ass...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x5dfg/a_rabbit_and_a_bear_were_walking_through_the_woods/
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What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?

About three inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x5a5j/what_is_the_difference_between_ooooooh_and/
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What's the reason my shower isn't working?

You have only one second to guess the answer. No pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x585z/whats_the_reason_my_shower_isnt_working/
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The Lawyer

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x57db/the_lawyer/
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Black lives matter

Most black 15-year-olds are decent law-abiding citizens. It's their kids that cause all the trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x56o2/black_lives_matter/
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It's getting colder and colder outside, and my wife does nothing but looks through the window.

If it goes on like this any longer, I think I will have to let her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4zo7/its_getting_colder_and_colder_outside_and_my_wife/
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I was sober for 12 years...

And then i turned 13.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4yqm/i_was_sober_for_12_years/
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What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?

Single.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4w4t/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_with_long_fingernails/
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What does your mom and a rain forest have in common?

If you look deep enough in the bush, you might find a cockatoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4qhu/what_does_your_mom_and_a_rain_forest_have_in/
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LPT: How to get out of murder/manslaughter charges.

Become a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4pgt/lpt_how_to_get_out_of_murdermanslaughter_charges/
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A woman is fed up with her love life...

...so she puts an ad in the newspaper.
'What is wrong with men?  I have had no luck.  My first boyfriend was abusive and I had to leave him out of fear.  My second relationship was going great until one day he inexplicably left.  My last guy was kind and wanted to be with me forever, but he couldn't satisfy me sexually so I left him.  Are there no good ones left?'
A few days later there is someone at her door.
"I think I am the perfect man for you," says a voice.  She looks down and sees a limbless man laying on her doormat.  "I have no arms so I cannot hit you," he continues, "and I have no legs so I cannot run away."
"But how can you possibly satisfy me sexually?" she asks.
"How the fuck do you think I rang the doorbell?" he replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4p5m/a_woman_is_fed_up_with_her_love_life/
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How do you ruin a date with Princess Leia?

By saying Alderaan things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4muz/how_do_you_ruin_a_date_with_princess_leia/
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A hippie sits down at a bar...

So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job".
Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.
A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.
"Something about a job. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4kd4/a_hippie_sits_down_at_a_bar/
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I find puns about bones to be...

quite Humerus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4il7/i_find_puns_about_bones_to_be/
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What happens when you have ear sex

You get hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4gsr/what_happens_when_you_have_ear_sex/
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How is working in I.T. like being a wizard?

You command vast powers beyond the scope of smaller minds, but to them all you do is wiggle your fingers and stuff just happens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4g9v/how_is_working_in_it_like_being_a_wizard/
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How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, they are extremely efficient and they dont have any humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4elq/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.
I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4cw1/i_recall_my_first_time_with_a_condom_i_must_have/
%
A guy asks a librarian if she has a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat

She says, "It rings a bell but I can't be certain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4bw7/a_guy_asks_a_librarian_if_she_has_a_book_about/
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Free sex tonight

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x44cw/free_sex_tonight/
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Guy joins the Army...

... but they are out of bayonets and ammo.  They tell him to run into battle yelling "Bangitty bangitty bang!!!  "Stabbity stabbity stab!"
Much to his surprise, enemy soldiers are dropping all around him.
Then, this really big enemy comes over the hill.  The guy yells, "Bangitty bangitty bang!!!  "Stabbity stabbity stab!", but the enemy keeps advancing and mows him down.  As the enemy walks over him, he hears him shout, "Tankitty tankitty tank!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x40d9/guy_joins_the_army/
%
Farmer with goat goes to hotel in NYC

Farmer at reception asks: how much does it cost to book one king size room for a night?
Receptionist: $125
Farmer: cool!
Farmer and goat go upstairs fall a sleep.. Next day he goes to checkout..
Farmer: I would like to checkout, please
Receptionist: That would be $185 please.
Farmer: Wait!... Last night you said $125
Receptionist: Well we charge $25 for showering, $35 for using lights in room.
Farmer: But I didn't shower nor use lights!
Receptionist: well you should have!
Farmer: Well I will charge you $55 for fucking my goat!
Receptionist: hm.. But I didn't?
Farmer: Well, you should have!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x406m/farmer_with_goat_goes_to_hotel_in_nyc/
%
I just read a joke from world war 1

The captain asks for a volunteer to go out in no man's land and retrieve a message that has come with a carrier pigeon. No one volunteers, except foolish Paddy. He says, "I will go for my country!". He then climbs up out of the trench, and all you hear after are bullets, grenades, bombs, etc. And everyone thinks Paddy has died.
Two hours after Paddy comes back to the trench, and everyone cheers for his safe return.
Captain: Did you get the pigeon?
Paddy: Yes
Captain: Did it have a message?
Paddy: Yes
Captain: What was the message?
Paddy: *Coo! Coo!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x3zh7/i_just_read_a_joke_from_world_war_1/
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How many agile programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to write the web page. One to make the video proclaiming the changing to be the next step towards the singularity.  One to upload the video to Kickstarter. One to send out invitations to a meeting to decide whether to use Scrum or another method. One to argue that the way the invitations were sent out was a privacy violation. One to suggest that the team should have used a different framework for the JavaScript on the web page. One to insist that everything be open source. And finally one to note that it's impossible to change the bulb in the dark anyway so the focus of the project really needs to be about new lighting technologies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x3top/how_many_agile_programmers_does_it_take_to_change/
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Ho Chow calls into work

and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
His boss says, You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you, I go to my wife and ask her for sex, that makes everything better and I go to work. Try it."
Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and feel great, I be at work soon. You have a nice house too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x3pdg/ho_chow_calls_into_work/
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As a white person... We need more white people jokes. I've got a few here.

What do you call a bunch of White people sitting around watching black people do all the work?
The NBA
What do you call a bunch of White people chasing a black guy through a field?
The PGA
What do you call a White Girl with a yeast infection?
Crackers with Cheese.
What do you call it when a white guy tries to shoot a 3 pointer?
Sad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x3oi9/as_a_white_person_we_need_more_white_people_jokes/
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What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture...

What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?
Aurora boring Alice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x3nuc/what_do_you_get_when_sleeping_beauty_gives_a/
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I thought /r/TwoXChromosomes was a mental retardation subreddit.

The posts didn't convince me otherwise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x3iqx/i_thought_rtwoxchromosomes_was_a_mental/
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Some dark humor for you.

A plane is falling, people are panicing. A stewardess announces:
"We have way too many passengers aboard. Some of us must be thrown out if we all are to survive. In the interest of fairness, we'll throw people out in alphabetical order. A - african americans."
Nobody raises hands.
"B - blacks."
Dead silence. After a few seconds, a small black child pokes his parent.
"Daddy, why aren't we raising hands? Isn't it our turn?"
"No, we come right after mexicans."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x3ijk/some_dark_humor_for_you/
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(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln

I just foiled your plan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x3fl4/p_la_npapnlaln/
%
Every year fewer people train to become morticians.

Some say it's a dying business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x3d78/every_year_fewer_people_train_to_become_morticians/
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There are tons of girls in my software engineering class...

...just not very many of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x3bp6/there_are_tons_of_girls_in_my_software/
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A man who is visiting from out of town goes into a bar one night...

He gets incredibly drunk and stands up on one of the stools and yells:
“EVERY LAST DEMOCRAT IS A HORSES ASS!”
The crowd in the bar immediately starts screaming and yelling at him as they turn on him and beat him up and throw him out.
A few nights later the man returns to the bar… the crowd SEEMS to be okay with him there again, and he ends up getting completely drunk yet again. Once more he ends up standing on one of the stools, but this time he yells:
“EVERY LAST REPUBLICAN IS A HORSES ASS!”
Yet again the crowd becomes furious as they scream at him and beat the hell out of him. The battered man claws his way up to the bar and asks
“What’s WITH these people!?”
The bartender looks at him before answering
“You don’t understand sir, this is horse country”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x37k2/a_man_who_is_visiting_from_out_of_town_goes_into/
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What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vaccuum?

The position of the dirt bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x37av/whats_the_difference_between_a_harley_davidson/
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Knock knock...

Who's there?
Eat map.
Eat map who?
NO THANKS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x34nh/knock_knock/
%
do you know why the chameleon couldn't change colors?

he has a reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x33q0/do_you_know_why_the_chameleon_couldnt_change/
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I noticed that my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered veeerrryyy slooowwwly, because she obviously doesn't listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x32hn/i_noticed_that_my_waitress_had_a_black_eye/
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An English man, a french man, a Spaniard and a German...

An English man, a french man, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands on a wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me, now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x303x/an_english_man_a_french_man_a_spaniard_and_a/
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I swear to god if my girlfriend calls me immature one more time...

She's never getting her nose back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x2zsv/i_swear_to_god_if_my_girlfriend_calls_me_immature/
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Baking Cakes

A mother and her young daughter were walking through the park one day when they came across 2 dogs having sex. The daughter asks her mom, "what are they doing?" the mom not wanting to explain sex to her young daughter just says "oh they're making cakes"
Further on they come across 2 rabbits having sex, again the daughter asks her mum what they are doing and again the mum goes "oh they're just making cakes."
further on the daughter says, "you and daddy were making cakes on the sofa last night weren't you?" the mom, horrified, asks "did you see us?" and the daughter replies "no, but I licked the whipped cream off the sofa afterwards"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x2vnv/baking_cakes/
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10 minutes into the work day and this subreddit is like the frozen section at the butcher shop.

There are no fresh links.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x2rrl/10_minutes_into_the_work_day_and_this_subreddit/
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Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.

We haven't met yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x2qmd/last_year_i_joined_a_support_group_for_antisocial/
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How can you tell a golf course is owned by Donald Trump?

The rough is combed over the fairway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x2qdi/how_can_you_tell_a_golf_course_is_owned_by_donald/
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My neighbor knocked on my door at 3am

Can you believe that? 3 in the morning,
but luckily i was still up playing the drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x2obj/my_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_at_3am/
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A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.

(Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x2nbk/a_dwarf_escaped_from_prison_so_he_could_fulfill/
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A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday

.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x2emx/a_10_years_old_boy_was_at_the_center_of_a/
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A barber is telling his customer about the stupidest kid he knows..

He tells him, "I tell everyone about this kid and what a moron he is. Every time he comes by I offer him two quarters OR a single dollar bill. He takes the quarters every time...never learns."
Right as they're talking the kid walks by the window. The barber knocks and waves him in.  The kid walks up and the barber offers him two quarters or a dollar bill. The kid takes the quarters and leaves.
"You see that? Every single time! I feel sorry for our future." says the barber.
Curious, the customer chases the kid down and asks, "Why do you take the two quarters? You know one dollar is worth more, right?"
"Of course I do, but the day I take the dollar, he'll stop paying me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x2d6o/a_barber_is_telling_his_customer_about_the/
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psychiatrist story

This guy goes to see a
psychiatrist. “Doc,” he says,
“I’ve got this terrible problem.
Every time I get into bed, I
think there’s somebody under
it. So, I get under the bed, but
then I think there’s somebody
on top of it. Top, under, top,
under. You’ve got to help me.
I’m going crazy!”
So, the psychiatrist says, “Come
to me three times a week, and I’ll
cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars a visit.”
“OK. I’ll think about it,” the man
says.
Six months later, the doctor
meets the man in the street.
“Hey, why didn’t you come to
see me again?” he asks.
“For a hundred dollars a
visit? You must be joking. A
bartender cured me for ten
dollars.”
“Oh, really? How did he do
that?”
“He told me to cut the legs off
the fucking bed.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x2d3n/psychiatrist_story/
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How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x2bd6/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_screw/
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What does farm animal porn sound like?

Brownchickenbrowncow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x2aex/what_does_farm_animal_porn_sound_like/
%
How does a man cut his hair on the moon?

Eclipse it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x2a7w/how_does_a_man_cut_his_hair_on_the_moon/
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Three types of Boobs and Penises!

A family was at the dinner table.Son asked his Father."Dad,how many kinds of boobs are there??
&nbsp; &nbsp;
Surprised father answered:"Well,son,there are three kinds of Boobs"
"In her 20's,a women's boobs are like Melons,round and firm."In her 30's to 40's,they are like Pears,still nice but hanging a bit."After 50,they are like Onions."
Son:"Onions??
Father:"Yes,you see them and they make you cry."
This made his Wife and Daughter Mad.so the Daughter asked her Mom."
Daughter:"How many kinds of Penis are there?"
The Mother smiled and said,"Well dear,a man goes through 3 phases."In his 20's,his penis is like an Oak Tree,Mighty and Hard."In his 30's and 40's,it is like a Birch,Flexible but Reliable."After 50's,it is like a Christmas Tree."
Daughter:"Christmas Tree??
Mom:"Yes,the Tree is Dead and the Balls are just For Decoration!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x26ua/three_types_of_boobs_and_penises/
%
I just burned 2000 calories.

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x24mq/i_just_burned_2000_calories/
%
How did the Greek army separate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x21i7/how_did_the_greek_army_separate_the_men_from_the/
%
I moved to Australia, I've never been so appreciated!

I've had so many offers to "Get F**ked!"... I have the pick of the litter!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x1ux7/i_moved_to_australia_ive_never_been_so_appreciated/
%
A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x1ncs/a_man_is_talking_to_god/
%
Name one type of person that will never get angry

A nomad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x1luu/name_one_type_of_person_that_will_never_get_angry/
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A guy comes into a bar...

Wait.
No.
It was a horse. A guy comes into a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x1ljm/a_guy_comes_into_a_bar/
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Doing The Dishes

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle.
He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun.
He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x1i21/doing_the_dishes/
%
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You'll get jurasskicked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x1ds3/why_should_you_never_fight_a_dinosaur/
%
What's a difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x1d9b/whats_a_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
%
A Lawyer, a Muslim, and a Hindu are travelling together...

One night, they are looking for a place to stay, and one of them sees a house in the distance. One of them knocks on the door and a farmer answers the door. They ask politely to stay, and the farmer says, "Yes, you may stay. However, one of you will have to sleep in the barn, as I have only room for 2 of you in my house." The Hindu volunteers to sleep in the barn. A couple minutes after the Hindu goes, they hear a knock at the door. It's the Hindu, and he says he cannot sleep in the barn, as there is a cow in there, and a cow is a sacred animal in his religion. The Muslim volunteers next. A couple minutes after the Muslim goes, they hear a knock at the door. It's the Muslim, and he says he cannot sleep in the barn, as there is a pig in there, and a pig is an unclean animal in his religion. The lawyer then goes to sleep in the barn. A couple minutes later, they hear a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x1bad/a_lawyer_a_muslim_and_a_hindu_are_travelling/
%
Why doesn't Santa have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x17pr/why_doesnt_santa_have_any_children/
%
A man walks into a chemist and asks for some Viagra at the counter...

The chemist says to the man, "Do you have a prescription for that?"
"No." The man replies, "But will a photo of my wife suffice?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x125j/a_man_walks_into_a_chemist_and_asks_for_some/
%
There was a dyslexic devil worshipor.

He sold his soul to santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x0tqf/there_was_a_dyslexic_devil_worshipor/
%
BMW

What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x0t5t/bmw/
%
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Do you have any helicopter flavored chips?"

The Bartender says "No, we only have plane"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x0pom/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender_do/
%
What do you call a Sith lord who refuses to fight?

A sithy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x0hn9/what_do_you_call_a_sith_lord_who_refuses_to_fight/
%
I lost my job as a waiter

Apparently, I had insulted an infamous mafia boss by taking away his  plate.
He told me he was Don

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x0a2r/i_lost_my_job_as_a_waiter/
%
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x09wl/why_did_the_toilet_paper_roll_down_the_hill/
%
Did you hear the guy who invented predictive text has died?

His funfair will be held on a sundial.
Funfair*
Funfair*
For ducks sake...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x09gq/did_you_hear_the_guy_who_invented_predictive_text/
%
What do you call people who worship paper bags?

Sack religious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x06tq/what_do_you_call_people_who_worship_paper_bags/
%
Why are Redditors naturally great at swordfighting?

They practice riposting all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x01hb/why_are_redditors_naturally_great_at_swordfighting/
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Parrot

A couple decide to surprise their kids with a new pet.  So the next day while the kids are at school and the father is at work the mother goes to the pet store.  She is looking around when she sees a beautiful parrot in the back and asks about it.
The store owner says, "You don't want that parrot, it lived in a brothel until the police broke it up, it uses very inappropriate language.  I've had it returned twice already, I think I'll just have to put it down."
The woman is heartbroken to hear and insists on buying it, thinking she can teach better language.
When her 6 year old son gets home from school she brings him in to the living room to see the parrot and it immediately starts saying, "$20 and someone Daisy suck your cock.  $50 and you can fuck Ginger in the cunt.  $100 and you can fuck Betty in the ass."  The mother is shocked and quickly rushes her son out of the room.
A while later her teenage daughter comes home, so the mother brings her in to see the parrot and the parrot says, "I bet you have a tight pussy.  Someone would pay top dollar to fuck your tight pussy." and the daughter runs away shocked.
The mother is upset, realizing she made a huge mistake and worried what her husband will say.  When he finally gets home that evening she greets him at the door and goes into the long story about how the parrot was going to be killed, and she had to save it, but it says such horrible things.  Finally the husband calms her down and they go into the living room where they parrot says, "Hi Bill, here for the usual?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wzwe3/parrot/
%
Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?

There was a face off in the corner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wzvjn/why_was_the_leper_hockey_game_cancelled/
%
Running and Cars

He who runs in front of car gets tired.
He who runs behind car gets exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wzs6n/running_and_cars/
%
divorce

Wife to husband: I want a divorce. You always tell me I am fat.
Husband: Dont be crazy. What about our child ?
Wife: What ? What child ?
Husband: So you are not pregnant ??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wzrin/divorce/
%
Why is Santa's sack so full?

Because he only comes once a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wzm0l/why_is_santas_sack_so_full/
%
Hey girl, are you an overdue library book?

Cuz I'm gonna stuff you in the back of my car then forget about you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wzlvl/hey_girl_are_you_an_overdue_library_book/
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I found a sub for Ethiopian Food. .

/r/ethiopianfood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wzk4g/i_found_a_sub_for_ethiopian_food/
%
TIL

Abortion doctors are also called spawn campers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wzg6t/til/
%
I was kicked out of the military because I got gonorrhea

It was a dishonorable discharge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wzeuc/i_was_kicked_out_of_the_military_because_i_got/
%
A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wzeo4/a_balding_white_haired_man_walks_into_a_jewelry/
%
Why does the food take so long at an Internet cafe?

Because the servers cannot be found

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wzbzr/why_does_the_food_take_so_long_at_an_internet_cafe/
%
What does having sex with me and the holocaust have in common?

There are people who still deny it ever happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wz9vt/what_does_having_sex_with_me_and_the_holocaust/
%
When a boy turns 12 he is given the choice between a big dick or a good memory...

I can't remember what I picked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wz1kb/when_a_boy_turns_12_he_is_given_the_choice/
%
Longest Joke ever

Loading...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wz011/longest_joke_ever/
%
When you need it, I'm there.

A terribly drunk man wakes up in his home after a black out with an urgent need to urinate. In his inebriated state he can't walk, only crawl, wherever he needs to go. So he crawls, pulling his bodily weight with his arms across the floor, making little progress over time until he finally reaches the bathroom. Despite the tremendous effort, his is able to stand in front of the toilet to unzip his pants for a piss. He stares at his cock and slurs out, "You asshole. Whenever *you* need it, I stand without issue!"
Heard this joke from my mom earlier this morning, thought I'd share. Roughly translated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wyyzk/when_you_need_it_im_there/
%
Reservations

A couple walk into a nice restaurant on Friday night, hoping to get a table. Upon seeing the couple, the host asks the couple, "Do you have reservations?" The wife replies, "Yes, but we'll eat here anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wyyqg/reservations/
%
My ex said that relationships were about sacrifice.

But she still screamed when she saw the bloody goat on the altar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wyy8d/my_ex_said_that_relationships_were_about_sacrifice/
%
What's the difference between Olive Garden and Reddit?

At Olive Garden the servers actually work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wytnd/whats_the_difference_between_olive_garden_and/
%
I think I will have to go to the doctor soon.

My father is a hypochondriac and I think it's hereditary. I'm starting to see the symptoms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wynlx/i_think_i_will_have_to_go_to_the_doctor_soon/
%
Only a fraction of you will understand this*.

*There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wynke/only_a_fraction_of_you_will_understand_this/
%
Why were the Indians here first?

They had reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wyng3/why_were_the_indians_here_first/
%
Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.
The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear.
He says to the couple, "You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other." He pauses, and then adds: "It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area and…well, just have a good time."
The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes.
The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush.
The angel glanced at his watch. "You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!"
The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, "Ok! But this time, *you* have to hold the pigeon while *I* get to shit on its head!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wyjci/two_statues_one_nude_male_one_nude_female_sit/
%
Why was the girl in such a bad mood when she got out of jail?

She had a period at the end of her sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wye7d/why_was_the_girl_in_such_a_bad_mood_when_she_got/
%
Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Neither have they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wyda6/have_you_ever_had_ethiopian_food/
%
How do you make a woman go blind?

Put a windshield in front of her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wy925/how_do_you_make_a_woman_go_blind/
%
Talking Duck

A duck walks into a bar looks up at the bar tender and says "I'll have a beer".
The bartender says "Hey, a talking duck!!! Where did you come from!?"
The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".
And the bartender says, "Well what are you doing, working construction when you could be making millions working in the circus!?"
And the duck says "What the f**k would the circus want with a brick layer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wy7ih/talking_duck/
%
Reddit is the best lover.

It goes down when you want it the most.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wy5z0/reddit_is_the_best_lover/
%
A Roman walks into a bar...

Holds up two fingers and asks for five drinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wy4h4/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
It only took me 20 minutes to get the Christmas tree up this year.

It took doctors 6 hours to get it back out again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wy11a/it_only_took_me_20_minutes_to_get_the_christmas/
%
This is from my boss

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wxyr6/this_is_from_my_boss/
%
An electrician was shocked by a live wire when he was asked why...

He said he couldn't resist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wxxp4/an_electrician_was_shocked_by_a_live_wire_when_he/
%
Saw a guy who wears a turban and who was coughing loudly

I think he was Sikh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wxv2c/saw_a_guy_who_wears_a_turban_and_who_was_coughing/
%
Wanna hear a ghost joke?

That's the spirit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wxuuz/wanna_hear_a_ghost_joke/
%
A man is condemned to death by stoning

. As the people gather around him and get ready to begin, Jesus emerges from the crowd and stands by the man. He says to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."
The crowd is taken aback, and begins to disperse, when an old lady comes forward, picks up a large rock, and hurls it at the condemned. The crowd quickly joins in and the man dies.
When the dust settles, Jesus walks up to the old lady and says "You know, I'm getting real sick of your shit mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wxu84/a_man_is_condemned_to_death_by_stoning/
%
MOBA Joke

Why are Americans bad at MOBAs?
Because they cant defend towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wxno3/moba_joke/
%
My body is like a Greek statue.

Even if the staff at the museum don't think so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wxnf4/my_body_is_like_a_greek_statue/
%
Two guys stole a calendar and divided it equally, but they got caught.

They each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wxmvu/two_guys_stole_a_calendar_and_divided_it_equally/
%
What happens if you steel?

You have to get Alloy-er

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wxg22/what_happens_if_you_steel/
%
Johnny on his first day of high school

Johnny sat in a circle with the rest of his new classmates on his first day of high school.
Teacher: Now kids we're going to play a game so we learn a bit about each other. We're going to go around the circle and each person is going to tell me their name, favourite animal and who they'd take on a dinner date.
The kids begin to take turns describing tigers, turtles, ariana grande and jim carrey, until it gets to Johnny.
Johnny: Hi my name's Johnny, my favourite animal's a lion and if I had to choose I'd choose Jesus to take on a dinner date.
The teacher asks if Johnny is religious. No says Johnny. Confused the teacher asks why he would take Jesus.
Smerking, Johnny replies 'for the free wine of course.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wxfqz/johnny_on_his_first_day_of_high_school/
%
What kind of Aircraft is into Men and Women?

A Biplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wx9zh/what_kind_of_aircraft_is_into_men_and_women/
%
Two muffins are sitting in a hot oven.

Two muffins are sitting in a hot over. The first muffin sighs and says, "gosh, it's so hot in here."
"The second muffin exclaims, "Ahh, a talking muffin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wx8bk/two_muffins_are_sitting_in_a_hot_oven/
%
What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wx7ol/what_animal_has_exactly_12_grams_of_carbon/
%
I went to a job interview at EA

The interviewer, after reading my CV, said:
"I see that this CV was clearly printed on two pages, but I only have one. Where's the other one?"
"Page two is 19.99$"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wx7n4/i_went_to_a_job_interview_at_ea/
%
First woman in space

"Houston, we have a problem."
"What?"
"Never mind"
"What's the problem?"
"Nothing"
"Please tell us?"
"You know what the problem is."
"If you understand me at all, you would've known!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wx56g/first_woman_in_space/
%
What do you get when you cross a Jedi with a nun?

a force of habit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wx4od/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_jedi_with_a_nun/
%
What did Mr T say when asked if he had any wool?

Yes sir, yes sir, three bags, fool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wwxxv/what_did_mr_t_say_when_asked_if_he_had_any_wool/
%
AN egg walks into a bar......

An egg walks into a bar, along with pancakes, and bacon.  The bartender looks up and alertly says.
"Sorry guys, we don't serve breakfast"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wwvro/an_egg_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a dirty puddle on a slab of cold concrete in dim, gloomy light?

A sunny day in Seattle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wwu51/what_do_you_call_a_dirty_puddle_on_a_slab_of_cold/
%
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's trying to get home?

A taxi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wwtqo/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a Pakistani outpost?

I don't know, I just fly the drone...
*(Please don't hate me)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wws9n/whats_the_difference_between_a_pakistani_school/
%
Know how to tell the sex of an ant? Throw it in water! If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats...

buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wwml0/know_how_to_tell_the_sex_of_an_ant_throw_it_in/
%
Why do programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wvepx/why_do_programmers_always_confuse_halloween_and/
%
I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice....

but he's having Nunavut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wvell/i_baked_a_cake_shaped_like_canada_and_offered_my/
%
The common phrase to express somethings simplicity is

"its not rocket science...". But what do rocket scientists say to each other? "Come on Doug, its not.....sex."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wvehl/the_common_phrase_to_express_somethings/
%
What did the dyslexic bank robber say?

"FREEZE MOTHERSTICKER! THIS IS A FUCK UP!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wvc3p/what_did_the_dyslexic_bank_robber_say/
%
So a Farmer's son is in prison.

A Farmer and his son used to work together to plow the fields and to plant grains in the fields. However, his son ends up in prison because he murdered someone. His father sends a letter to the son in prison. "I'm getting too old for this son. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep plowing these fields by myself."
The son sends a letter back. "No, Dad, you can't plow the field! That's where I hid the body!"
The next day, the police are at the farmer's field, digging it up in search of the dead body. At the end of the day, once the whole field has been dug up, they give up, and return to the station.
The son sends another letter to his Dad. "Sorry, Dad. It was the best I could do under the circumstances."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wvbu2/so_a_farmers_son_is_in_prison/
%
What do you say to someone who talked about you behind your back?

You discussed me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wvbmu/what_do_you_say_to_someone_who_talked_about_you/
%
What is a double amputee's favorite video game?

League of Leg ends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wv9vh/what_is_a_double_amputees_favorite_video_game/
%
Why wasn't Adam black?

Did you ever try taking a rib from a black man?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wv2nh/why_wasnt_adam_black/
%
Which Knight invented the Round Table?

Sir Cumference

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wv22z/which_knight_invented_the_round_table/
%
This Jewish kid asks his dad for five dollars...

and his dad goes, "Four dollars? What do you need three dollars for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wv15c/this_jewish_kid_asks_his_dad_for_five_dollars/
%
Your mom joke, but clever

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wv0x0/your_mom_joke_but_clever/
%
A couple is walking...

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wuyls/a_couple_is_walking/
%
A Mother, Father and Their Son Went to the Zoo

One day a mother, father and their son went to the zoo. Whilst walking along, they came to a pair of monkeys mating. The boy looks to his mum and says "Mum, what are they doing?" in which the mum replies, "They're making cakes dear".
They continue walking and they come to a pair of hippos mating. The boy, remembering what his mother said earlier, turned to his father and said "They're making cakes, aren't they dad?" and the dad replies with a little chuckle "Yes, son."
The next morning, the boy came downstairs and went into the kitchen to eat his cereal and he said to his mum and dad, "Mum, Dad, you were making cakes last night weren't you?". Uncertain of how he could possibly know, both parents asked how the boy knew.
The boy replied "Because I just licked the icing off the sofa"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wutxz/a_mother_father_and_their_son_went_to_the_zoo/
%
Which language do Egyptian police officers speak?

Coptic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wus5f/which_language_do_egyptian_police_officers_speak/
%
What's another name for dick pics?

Junk mail!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wuqnz/whats_another_name_for_dick_pics/
%
Boy: Daddy I want to get married

Dad: First say sorry..
Boy: For what?
Dad: Say sorry..
Boy: But for what, what did I do?
Dad: You first say sorry ...
Boy: But what's my fault?
Dad: You first say sorry ...
Boy: BUT WHY???
Dad: You first say sorry ...
Boy: Please, at-least tell me a reason???
Dad: You first say sorry ...
Boy: Ok, I am sorry
Dad: Now you are ready, your training is complete.
When you learn to say sorry without any reason,
you can marry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wupkf/boy_daddy_i_want_to_get_married/
%
Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wunz7/why_is_air_a_lot_like_sex/
%
How do you tell apart a Chinese from a Japanese?

With a Geiger Counter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wuiwq/how_do_you_tell_apart_a_chinese_from_a_japanese/
%
Dark humour is like food.

Not everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wug34/dark_humour_is_like_food/
%
What is the common trait between men and snow?

You don't know how many centimeters you'll get, neither how long will it last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wucw0/what_is_the_common_trait_between_men_and_snow/
%
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident

; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman. Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wual0/a_woman_and_a_man_are_involved_in_a_car_accident/
%
I used to do the hokey pokey everyday…

… But then I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wu7zm/i_used_to_do_the_hokey_pokey_everyday/
%
TIL the British used U-boats

Whoops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wty64/til_the_british_used_uboats/
%
when i see lovers names carved in a tree...

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wtxqy/when_i_see_lovers_names_carved_in_a_tree/
%
Saw two elementary students get in a fistfight so as an adult I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wtrx5/saw_two_elementary_students_get_in_a_fistfight_so/
%
On my birthday, my wife asked me to take her some where she never visited...

On my birthday, my wife asked me to take her some where she never visited. So I took her to the kitchen :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wtpf1/on_my_birthday_my_wife_asked_me_to_take_her_some/
%
Why doesn't the gastroenterologist have any friends?

He's always talking shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wt8m9/why_doesnt_the_gastroenterologist_have_any_friends/
%
How do you escape from a Jewish Cop?

You take the toll road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wt45w/how_do_you_escape_from_a_jewish_cop/
%
The Smart Navigator

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators.
The crusty old-timer Captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel.
He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his Co-Pilot.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.
What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.
Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wsz1u/the_smart_navigator/
%
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

Because if they had four, it would be a chicken sedan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wsy4a/why_do_chicken_coops_only_have_two_doors/
%
Once Upon a Time, God Created Scotland...

When God created Scotland, He looked down on it with great joy. Unable to contain his pride for his newest creation, he summoned all of his Archangels to show them.
'Look here," said God. "This is the best and most beautiful country yet. Picturesque mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, honest and stunning women and a biting and refreshing temperature."
"And look," he said, producing a bottle of amber coloured liquid from behind his back, "I've given them a special drink called whisky. Try some."
The angels each in turn took an appreciative sip. "Excellent," one of them said "But haven't you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?"
God, with a small chuckle shook his head.
"Just wait until you see the neighbours I'm giving them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wsxm1/once_upon_a_time_god_created_scotland/
%
I hate it when people ask me where I'll be in 5 years.

I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wswpm/i_hate_it_when_people_ask_me_where_ill_be_in_5/
%
Did you hear that the guy who invented predictive text has died.

His funfair is next sundial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wstzi/did_you_hear_that_the_guy_who_invented_predictive/
%
I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned his cookies.

Some how the bastard found out and killed my dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wstuy/i_saw_santa_claus_having_sex_with_my_mom_to_get/
%
I don't think I could ever fall in love with a midget...

I don't think I could ever fall in love with a midget.
But I guess it's better to fall in love with a small person, than not a tall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wspk7/i_dont_think_i_could_ever_fall_in_love_with_a/
%
My wife told me I'm fantastic at cutting up cheese

I told her she's greater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wsm7d/my_wife_told_me_im_fantastic_at_cutting_up_cheese/
%
Do you know the difference between a dildo and a chair?

No?
Watch out where you sit then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wslit/do_you_know_the_difference_between_a_dildo_and_a/
%
They Say Never Judge A Man Until You Walk A Mile In His Shoes

Because you'll then be a mile away and will also have his shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wslim/they_say_never_judge_a_man_until_you_walk_a_mile/
%
Why was the snowman smiling?

He saw the snowblower coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wskt9/why_was_the_snowman_smiling/
%
What did Anakin give to Padme for christmas?

Sithilis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wskla/what_did_anakin_give_to_padme_for_christmas/
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What's an avocado's favorite music?

Guac N' Roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wskhs/whats_an_avocados_favorite_music/
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How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wse1u/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
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One, day little Johnny asks his father,

"Daddy where do i come from?"
The mother and father, had been preparing for this, for a very long time.
"Well son, when a Man and a Woman love each-other very much..."
After explaining the details and science to his Son, who had a puzzled look on his face the Father turned to his child,
"Well son, does that answer your question?"
"Not really Susan from school told me she came from Italy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wsdcu/one_day_little_johnny_asks_his_father/
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This girl told me she was saving herself for Jesus

I said Jesus probably isn't going to fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ws9a0/this_girl_told_me_she_was_saving_herself_for_jesus/
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Why do some people think Jesus was black?

Cause he is our father, and he never came back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ws311/why_do_some_people_think_jesus_was_black/
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I've got a new job. I'm helping out a one-armed typist whenever she needs to type a capital letter.

It's shift work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ws2i4/ive_got_a_new_job_im_helping_out_a_onearmed/
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What's a thoughtful person's favourite dip?

Hmmmus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ws111/whats_a_thoughtful_persons_favourite_dip/
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A man with no arms and no legs is sat on a beach

when he spots three playboy bunnies walking by him. They all spot him and feel bad for him so they try to cheer him up.
The first playboy bunny walks up to him and says; "Have you ever been hugged?" The man shakes his head so she gives him a hug.
The second playboy bunny approaches and asks "Have you ever been kissed?" The man shakes his head so she starts to kiss him.
The third and final playboy bunny walks over and asks "Have you ever been fucked?" The man smiles as he shakes his head, so the playboy bunny picks him up and throws him in the sea, shouting "Well you're fucked now!"
Edit - ok yeah his name was Bob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ws0un/a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs_is_sat_on_a_beach/
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What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

The first is a super hero, the second is a simple command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wrzcg/what_is_the_difference_between_iron_man_and_iron/
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An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course...

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"
The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wryxg/an_elderly_golfer_comes_in_after_a_good_round_of/
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I just bought a new computer...

When i turned it on, instead of saying "Welcome", it said " Hello".
It's a Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wrx60/i_just_bought_a_new_computer/
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What do you call a prostitute who's upset about gun control?

A sandy hooker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wrvyd/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_whos_upset_about/
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What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wrvmx/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
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That's it!

˙ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq I ʇɐɥʇ ǝɯᴉʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sᴉ sᴉɥʇ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wrro9/thats_it/
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What do you call a bear without teeth?

You call that fellah a gummy bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wro3j/what_do_you_call_a_bear_without_teeth/
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What do you you say when a monk tries to kick you out of the monastery ?

Namaste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wrnpw/what_do_you_you_say_when_a_monk_tries_to_kick_you/
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What do you call a sad asparagus?

Despairagus =/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wrkbq/what_do_you_call_a_sad_asparagus/
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The courier delivered only half of my grizzly outfit today...

So I choked him with my bear hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wrjxm/the_courier_delivered_only_half_of_my_grizzly/
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A Brit, an American and a Frenchman are arguing on how to pee...

... The American proclaims loudly, "The only way to pee is standing up! A man can so a man should!" Laughing, the Brit replies, "Surely you must be joking, I know why your bathrooms are such a mess! Sitting down to pee is better all around." Both arguing, they ask the Frenchman to be the deciding factor, to which the Frenchman replies, "I don't think I will be helping your argument, you see...
... us Frenchman pee standing down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wrgbg/a_brit_an_american_and_a_frenchman_are_arguing_on/
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The definition of Baroque:

A time when there is no Monet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wrfqx/the_definition_of_baroque/
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3 guys wash up onto a beach...

Many days after their plane crashed into the ocean.  They are almost immediately aggresively approached by the indigenous population and surrounded.  The chief appears and tells them he will let them live if they can pass his test, but first each person must go into the jungle and find 10 pieces of fruit.  The 3 captives make their way into the jungle.
Some time passes and one of the captives appears out of the jungle carrying 10 apples.  The chief now explains the test.  The captive must insert all the pieces of fruit into his own butt without showing any emotion be it pleasure or pain.  Failure to do so results in death.
The first captive begins inserting the apples into his butt. He gets the first apple in with little to no effort.  Halfway through inserting the second apple he winces in pain, failing the test. The chief cuts the captive's head off.
The second captive emerges from the jungle carrying 10 berries.  The chief explains the test and the captive begins inserting the berries into his butt. Berries 1 through 9 slide into his butt with ease.  As he inserts the the 10th and final berry he bursts out laughing, failing the test.  The chief chops his head off.
The second captive meets the first in the afterlife. The first asks the second, "it looks like you almost had it. Why did you start laughing?" The second guy responds, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy emerge from the jungle carrying pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wrfdy/3_guys_wash_up_onto_a_beach/
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What was the pornstar doing in school?

Analogy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wreg3/what_was_the_pornstar_doing_in_school/
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London held a monocle convention for high class members of society...

... it was a respectable spectacle spectacle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wre84/london_held_a_monocle_convention_for_high_class/
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A scientist is doing some tests on an ant ...

... And he asks the ant to jump. "Jump!," he says.
And the ant jumps.
He writes in his notebook, "Ant responds well to being asked to jump."
Then, he cuts off one of the ant's legs and says, "Ant, jump!"
...and the ant jumps!
He writes in his notebook, "When an ant has 5 legs, it will still jump."
Then, he cuts off another of the ant's legs and says, "Ant, jump!" ... and the ant jumps! Quite impressed, the scientist writes in his notebook, "Incredible! When an ant has 4 legs, it will still jump!"
He proceeds to cut off each leg and asks it to jump, which to his surprise, the ant still manages to do with ease. The scientists records all of these findings.
Eventually, he cuts the last leg off the ant. "Ant, jump!," he requests.
... The ant does not move.
Mr. Scientist, happy to have reached a conclusion, writes in his journal: "Once an ant has had all of its legs cut off, it becomes deaf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wrank/a_scientist_is_doing_some_tests_on_an_ant/
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People who use drugs are pathetic. I'm high on life!

Side effects of life are include depression, anxiety, pain both emotional and physical, shortness of breath, physical and mental deterioration, weariness, sleepiness, insomnia, thought of suicide, and misery. Prolonged use may result in death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wr4dg/people_who_use_drugs_are_pathetic_im_high_on_life/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph because he's not a full essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wr1sz/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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I wanted to make a Zelda joke..

But I didn't wanna tri and force it. :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqz21/i_wanted_to_make_a_zelda_joke/
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Why is North Korea so depressing?

Because it ain't got no Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqxrz/why_is_north_korea_so_depressing/
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So I tried to tell a friend of mine an Isis joke...

but it was poorly executed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqwqs/so_i_tried_to_tell_a_friend_of_mine_an_isis_joke/
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The Cab Driver (nsfw)

A cab driver is driving late at night when an incredibly hot schoolgirl hails his cab.
He looks at her and admire the elegant short skirt and the sweater vest and innocent shoes. He can also smell heavy alcohol, she is clearly drunk hammered.
"you know it's been my dream to get a blow and anal from a hot schoolgirl" he says
She giggles and says "I'd give that to you you're pretty cute...but I'm only 17 so it'd be illegal"
The Cab driver says "hey hey hey guess what I'm actually 17 years old too!"
The girls face lights up and they do the dirty things.
After they're done, the driver says "hey, I'm sorry I just wanted to confess I'm actually not 17. My names Joe and I'm a 43 year old cabbie"
"No worries" the schoolgirl says "my name is Kevin and I'm on my way back from a costume party"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqwdc/the_cab_driver_nsfw/
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The Sniper

A man finds out his wife was cheating on him so he hires a Hitman to take her out.
The two are sitting in a room, across the street from a hotel room the wife was rented. The Hitman has his sniper rifle aimed through the window into the wife's room.
"My sniping service is charged on a per-bullet basis, ya know" the Hitman reminds the cuckold
"No problem, just headshot that bitch" the man replies
"Oh, looks like a man just walked into the room. We have a witness problem"
"That's probably the guy she banged! You know what...shoot his cock off while you're at it! "
"Fine as long as you'll pay for the extra bullet...oh wait..
The man looks at him, puzzled
..Nevermind, I can do it with one now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqs20/the_sniper/
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Did you hear the one about the Vegan diet?

Really? I'm shocked they didn't tell you already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqomb/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_vegan_diet/
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The real reason there's an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
The when He began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated Santa went back inside the house for apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard,he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink . In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundred of pieces over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found out that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully,"Merry Christmas,Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it ?"
AND SO BEGAN THE TRADITION OF THE LITTLE ANGEL ON TOP OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqmlp/the_real_reason_theres_an_angel_on_the_top_of_the/
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The drunk and the baptism

A drunk is walking home one afternoon from the bar when he sees a pastor having an baptism down the river bank. The pastor looks up and sees him. Calling out he says "Look!  A lost member of our flock. Come down here son and be born again!  Renounce your sins and be saved."
The drink squnts in the glare of the sun and, shrugging his shoulders noncomittally, shambles down the bank.
The pastor takes the drunkards arm and head and dunks him under the cool river water. Bringing him up he shouts so the congregation can hear "Have you found Jesus my son?"
The drunk looks wide eyed at the pastor and says "No!"  But before he can protest he's thrust under the water a second time, for three long seconds before being lifted again.
"Have you found Jesus now?" He calls, projecting his voice farther.
The drunk splutters water out of his mouth "No, no I haven't".
A third time he's pushed under, for even longer, and when he's finally brought up he caughs and spits and thrashes.
"Have you found him?  Have your found the lord?" The pastor's voice rings clearly in exaltation.
"No, no Father!"  The drunk cries while still coughing more water out. "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqm0k/the_drunk_and_the_baptism/
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An egg and a chicken just finished having sex...

The egg rolls over, lights a cigarette, and says "well, I guess that settles that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqkao/an_egg_and_a_chicken_just_finished_having_sex/
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Letter from Florida

Dearest Billy Joe,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your daddy read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 10 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain... We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Jebediah said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Johnny locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your daddy out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Cleatus was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Love,
Mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqivp/letter_from_florida/
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That's right

Half dressed redneck couple were sitting on couch watching news on TV, with the man's arm around the woman. The man says "Look at them homosexuals ruinin' the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man and one woman. Ain't that right, sweetheart?" The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqhkq/thats_right/
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What is College Feminism?

What is college feminism?
10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqfgd/what_is_college_feminism/
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Why does Santa go down the chimney?

Because it **soots** him.
Credit:  Curious: The Tourist Guide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqepd/why_does_santa_go_down_the_chimney/
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Dad, how could you?

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqedc/dad_how_could_you/
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A man loses everything by gambling

so he decides to go throw himself off a bridge. As he's about to jump, Santa Claus holds his hand and tells him, "Son, I know you lost all your money, house, cars, wife and kids because of gambling. Come suck my dick and I will give everything back to you." The man contemplates for a few seconds and realizes he has nothing left to lose and agrees. After he's done he asks santa when he'll get everything back and santa asks him, "Son, how old are you?"
"55" replies the man.
"55 years old and you still believe in Santa Claus? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqcp5/a_man_loses_everything_by_gambling/
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How many philosophers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends on the definition of lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqcnd/how_many_philosophers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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God gave Adam and Eve 2 rules...

First was to never eat the forbidden fruit. Second, Eve can never, under any circumstances, learn how to swim.
After a few weeks in paradise, watching Adam swim in the pristine ocean, Eve decides she'd had enough. She follows Adam into the surf, and as she reaches waste-deep water the sky darkens, and the clouds part. Gods face appears and he shouts;
"For fucks sake Eve, now all the fish are going to stink!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqc3a/god_gave_adam_and_eve_2_rules/
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An American, a Mexican, and a Canadian are all shipwrecked on a tropical island..

When they are taken captive by the local tribe. The tribal lead tells them "the bad news is, we are going to kill you. We will use your bones for our tools, your muscle for food, and your flesh for our canoes. The good news is, we will let you choose how we kill you.
The American chooses to be hanged. The Mexican chooses beheading. And the Canadian asks to be stabbed 1,000 times with a tiny fork.
As the Canadian lay bleeding out from 1,000 puncture wounds, the leader give him a puzzled look, and the Canadian replies,
"Good luck with your fucking canoes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wqalo/an_american_a_mexican_and_a_canadian_are_all/
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What do you get, if you cross a bad joke with a rhetorical question?

...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wq9xi/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_bad_joke_with_a/
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Redneck party

This guy moves from New York to a really backwoods part of West Virginia, where he's miles from anyone. After about 2 months on his own, there's a knock on the door. He opens the door to see this huge redneck with a massive beard and yellow teeth.
The redneck says "I'm yer neighbor from up the road. I'm havin' a party on Saturday and I guess I'm invitin' ya."
He says "Oh that's great!  I haven't seen anyone for 2 months!  I'd love to come."
"I guess  I should warn ya - there'll be drinkin' at this party."
The guy says "Oh that's ok, I like a drink now and then."
The redneck goes on "And there'll probably be fightin' at this party."
The guy looks a little nervous but says "Well  I get along with most people, so that's OK"
"And there's probably gonna be wild sex at this party too."
The guy says "Well that's ok - remember I have been alone for two months!"
The redneck says "See you Saturday" and walks away.
The guy calls after him "Hey what should I wear to this party?"
The redneck calls back "Doesn't much matter - just gonna be you and me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wq8m4/redneck_party/
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Welshman got a job

at a farm, after two weeks there one of the farmers said to him "Would you fuck a sheep for £2,000?" He said "On three conditions; I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or family to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wq7lv/welshman_got_a_job/
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Horrible animal jokes inside.

How do you get a dog to sound like a cat? Stick it in the freezer for a few hours, then run it through a bandsaw and it goes "MRRREEOOW".
BONUS JOKE: How do you get a cat to sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it and light it up and it goes "WHOOF".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wq6ix/horrible_animal_jokes_inside/
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New Subway slogan idea from Jared

12 is the new 18

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wq58j/new_subway_slogan_idea_from_jared/
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How can you tell if a good ole boy from North Carolina is married?

There are tobacco spit stains on BOTH the doors of his truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wpx4t/how_can_you_tell_if_a_good_ole_boy_from_north/
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What do you call a court case in which an immigrant is suing over sexual harassment?

*Alien v. Predator*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wpvuz/what_do_you_call_a_court_case_in_which_an/
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What's the same about Christmas and work?

I do all the work and a fat man in a suit gets all the credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wpuql/whats_the_same_about_christmas_and_work/
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A marine and a sailor are walking down the street...

When they spot a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The pair race up to the sheep, where the marine drops his pants and begins fucking the sheep. After a few minutes he finishes, take a step back and asks the sailor "you want to give it a shot?"
The sailor replies "hell ya" and promptly sticks his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wpq0p/a_marine_and_a_sailor_are_walking_down_the_street/
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Just witnessed the shortest ever dispute in court about a guy who supposedly stole a woman's bag.

It was a briefcase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wpo5a/just_witnessed_the_shortest_ever_dispute_in_court/
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I like my men like I like my external hard drives...

Solid state, and to dump all my history on.
history

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wpo4y/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_external_hard_drives/
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When/If Scotland becomes independent, what will the national currency be called?

Doesn't matter, you won't be able to pry it out of the cheap bastards' hands anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wpnro/whenif_scotland_becomes_independent_what_will_the/
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When I heard they found a cure for dyslexia

...it was like music to my arse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wpjx1/when_i_heard_they_found_a_cure_for_dyslexia/
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A boy was born without a body

, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wpf1g/a_boy_was_born_without_a_body/
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Read this in a playboy magazine years ago.

A married couple was invited to a masked Halloween ball. On the night of the party, the wife had a headache and told her husband to go to the event alone. Reluctantly, he agreed. He put on his bear costume, grabbed the head piece and left. The wife fell asleep and woke up an hour later feeling great so she decided to go to the party after all. It occurred to her that, since her husband didn't know what costume she was wearing, she'd be able to see how he behaved when she wasn't around.
As soon as she arrived, she spotted her husband in his bear costume flirting with every woman in sight. She approached him, wanting to see just how far he would go, and after a few drinks he propositioned her. They went into the bathroom and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, the wife slipped away and went home. She was sitting up in bed fuming when her husband returned. She asked about his night. He said, "Oh, it was the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Really?" she said, getting angry. "You didn't meet anyone interesting?"
He replied, "I didn't talk to anyone new. It was pretty boring. The guys and I went into the spare room and played poker all night."
She said, "You must have been uncomfortable wearing your bear costume playing poker."
Her husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wpejp/read_this_in_a_playboy_magazine_years_ago/
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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wpcq6/after_having_their_11th_child_a_redneck_couple/
%
I took my first drug test today..

I only got 5 questions right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wp2zv/i_took_my_first_drug_test_today/
%
What does a 9 volt battery have in common with a girls arsehole?

You know its wrong but sooner or later your going to lick it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wozj0/what_does_a_9_volt_battery_have_in_common_with_a/
%
Did you know babies and kettles make the same sound?

Except kettles stop screaming when you take em off the burner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3woufy/did_you_know_babies_and_kettles_make_the_same/
%
I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job...

it was an anti-climb axe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3woqlh/i_was_disappointed_when_it_turned_out_the_axe_i/
%
You're in a heavily guarded room with walls all around you, and you only have a mirror and a table. How do you get out?

Well...
You look in the mirror, you see what you saw.
You take the saw, you cut the table in half.
Two halves make a whole, put the hole in the wall.
You talk with the guards until your voice gets hoarse, you get on the horse and ride away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3womtn/youre_in_a_heavily_guarded_room_with_walls_all/
%
How do you know Adam and Eve weren't Chinese?

They would have eaten the snake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3woll8/how_do_you_know_adam_and_eve_werent_chinese/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because I play too many video games.

Seems like something pretty stupid to Fallout for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3woft7/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_play_too/
%
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' I asked.

"It's not unusual", he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wofh0/doc_i_cant_stop_singing_the_green_green_grass_of/
%
The space race shows that there's no limit to what human ingenuity can achieve

When they really want to prove they're better than some other bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wobem/the_space_race_shows_that_theres_no_limit_to_what/
%
Well played panda, well played.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats, shoots and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wo9h1/well_played_panda_well_played/
%
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and Scotsman get captured fighting abroad

And the leader of the captors announces 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn, the Englishman first, then the Irishman, the Welshman and lastly the Scotsman. But first, you each can make a final request, seeing as you all hail from honourable nations.'
The Englishman responds with a hand on his chest, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one last time to remind me of the old country, played by the London Symphony Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, kissing his clover picked from County Cork, 'I'd like to hear "The Soldiers' Song" just one last time to remind me of the old country, sung by a strapping Irish Girl, with Irish dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, clasping his daffodil pinned to his jacket, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the old country, sung as if by the Tom Jones.'
Moving lastly to the Scot, the captor asks his last request as well.
The Scotsman says quickly,
'I'd like to be shot first.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wo90w/an_englishman_irishman_welshman_and_scotsman_get/
%
What does santa do with a lazy reindeer?

Sleighs 'em

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wo0so/what_does_santa_do_with_a_lazy_reindeer/
%
Making millions of dollars is like breeding rabbits.

It's much easier when you start with two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wo08n/making_millions_of_dollars_is_like_breeding/
%
How many homophobes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They don't accept change, even if it means a brighter world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wnvfq/how_many_homophobes_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke Warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wnty0/what_is_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
%
I don't mind comic sans.

It's honestly a very well rounded font.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wnq2u/i_dont_mind_comic_sans/
%
I was on holiday in Belgium...

Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wnoob/i_was_on_holiday_in_belgium/
%
A boy and his frog.

A young boy was walking his deflated frog down the street when he came upon a brothel. He walked inside and asked the lady at the counter for her dirtiest most nastiest and disease ridden whore she can find him. The lady then asked to the young boy why he wanted their dirtiest most nastiest and disease-ridden whore.
He said "because my babysitter has a thing for little boys, and when I get home she'll fuck me. And then when my dad gets home he'll fuck the babysitter. And when my mom gets home she'll fuck my dad. And then when my dad leaves for work, my mom will fuck the milk man. And he's the bastard who ran over my frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wnojp/a_boy_and_his_frog/
%
A friend and I saw a man killed at the canned goods factory...

It was a jarring experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wnl06/a_friend_and_i_saw_a_man_killed_at_the_canned/
%
Tiger Fucking

Q: What's black and white and read all over?
Delivery Note (DN), mention "I bet you know this one"
A: A newspaper.
&nbsp;
Q: When is a door not a door?
DN: wait for the person to really think about it, and get it or say they give up.
A: When its ajar.
&nbsp;
Q: What winks and fucks like a tiger?
DN: This is critical.  Wait for eye contact.  Do not deliver punchline until you have at least a half second of eye contact.  Longer eye contact is funnier.
A: **wink**
&nbsp;
Note - this is kind of a repost, but I feel as though [this joke](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ogi26/what_winks_and_fucks_like_a_tiger/) is greatly improved as part of a lineup which gets people thinking about puns/puzzles.  Delivery notes are included above, for use in the wild.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wnila/tiger_fucking/
%
Tits are like Golf

You just play the course you're on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wnc0v/tits_are_like_golf/
%
Where does Santa go for a sexy carwash?

One whore soap-and-sleigh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wn9rp/where_does_santa_go_for_a_sexy_carwash/
%
What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne waits till you're 12 to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wn7kj/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_priest/
%
Why can't a T-Rex clap

Because it's extinct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmyw2/why_cant_a_trex_clap/
%
2 guys are standing in line at the checkout...

buying their wives some stuff for Christmas. The first guy has a diamond ring. The other guy is carrying a pair of sandals and a dildo.
The first guy tells the other one, "Well, I bought my wife a new eco friendly car this Christmas, if she doesn't like it, I'll give her the diamond ring."
The second guy looks back and responds, "You know, I had the same idea, if she doesn't like these sandals, she can go fuck herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmxi9/2_guys_are_standing_in_line_at_the_checkout/
%
I like my women like I like my news…

Without an opinion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmx7j/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_news/
%
What do you call a pig that has never been tested for an infection?

Uncultured swine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmx2q/what_do_you_call_a_pig_that_has_never_been_tested/
%
What's the difference between a priest and a chilean mining company?

One gets its miners stuck in shafts, and the other gets its shaft stuck in minors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmw96/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_a/
%
How to fall down stairs:

Step 1:
Step 2:
Step 3:
Step 4:
Step 5:
Step 6:
Step 7:
Step 8:
Step 9:
Step 10:
Step 11:
Step 12:
Step 13:
Step 14:
Step 15:
Step 16:
Step 17:
Step 18:
Step 19:
Step 20:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmve1/how_to_fall_down_stairs/
%
The Clown Joke (WARNING: Very Long)

Once upon a time – which is a terrible way to start a joke – there was a little boy named Billy.
Billy was six years old, and for the whole of his short life, he had been utterly and intensely obsessed with clowns. He had clown bed sheets and clown posters; he had clown toys and clown-themed games; he had towels with clowns on them, a toothbrush in the shape of a clown, and – if it had existed – he probably would have used clown-flavored toothpaste, as well.
Try not to think about it.
The point here is that Billy loved clowns, and his parents were well aware of that fact. (They'd have to be, right? I mean, how is a six-year-old going to buy all of that stuff on his own?) Thus, they decided that for their son's seventh birthday, they'd purchase front-row seats at the circus, which *just happened* to be in town at the same time. Upon hearing this, Billy was absolutely overcome with excitement, and he was scarcely able to sit still until his family arrived at the big top.
Billy and his parents walked in, took their seats, and waited for the show to start.
The music flared to life and the lights came up, and in a dazzling display of merriment, everything began. First came the lion-tamers with their whips and chairs... and yeah, they were intriguing, but they didn't hold Billy's interest. Next came the feats of strength with strongmen (and one excessively suspicious woman) smashing bricks and bending bars... and yeah, it was impressive, but Billy didn't really care. The sword swallowers followed, and the trapeze artists, and the tightrope walkers... and yeah, someone might have died at any moment, but it all seemed so *boring*.
Eventually, Billy began to worry that he wouldn't get to see clowns at the circus. After all, he knew very well that clowns usually only appeared when something went wrong. (You didn't know that, did you? Yeah, clowns are typically kept on standby in case someone screws up.)
Suddenly, all of the lights went out.
A single spotlight shown down to one corner of the arena.
A tiny car came puttering into view, while discordant, almost forlorn circus music played.
*Deet deet deedle-deedle deet deet dee deeeeee...*
The car's doors sprang open, and out poured the most amazing collection of clowns that Billy had ever seen! There were fat clowns, thin clowns, tall clowns, short clowns! Clowns with bright red hair and enormous red noses! Clowns in silly suspenders and oversize shoes! There were clowns wearing every color of the rainbow, and clowns that moved like psychotic ferrets on speed! There were more clowns than Billy had ever *dreamed* of watching all at once!
Then, just as it seemed like that tiny car couldn't produce a single soul more, another clown stepped out. He was too fat to be thin, yet too thin to be fat... but somehow wasn't average, either. He was too short too be tall, yet too tall to be short... but still managed to be both at once. He had pale, almost white skin – not the product of makeup – and deep, almost black, sunken eyes. He had a shock of bright red (and completely natural) hair, and a bulbous, equally red nose.
Billy looked on with awe and wonder as he realized what he was seeing: This wasn't a person in makeup who was putting on an act; this was a *real clown*. The man – if indeed you could call him a man – reached into the front of his pants, wiggled his hand around for a little while, and pulled forth a bright silver microphone. After offering a conspiratorial wink to the audience, the clown cleared his throat... and his dry, raspy voice boomed out for everyone to hear:
"I need a volunteer!"
**[Continued](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmv58/the_clown_joke_warning_very_long/cxxdzc6)**...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmv58/the_clown_joke_warning_very_long/
%
How many American cops does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

Two.
One to arrest the room for being black, and the other to arrest the bulb for being broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmuiy/how_many_american_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I was once called a racist for saying black paint.

Apparently the correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmqd5/i_was_once_called_a_racist_for_saying_black_paint/
%
The Redneck Joke

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater!"
Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"
Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"
"No."
"Then you're homosexual."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmq6z/the_redneck_joke/
%
What's the rudest type of Elf?

The GofuckyoursELF

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmq3a/whats_the_rudest_type_of_elf/
%
What's Iron Man's favorite carnival ride?

The ferrous wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmou5/whats_iron_mans_favorite_carnival_ride/
%
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar

and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table.
The Scotsman said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.'
The Irishman replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.'
The Englishman said, 'Wait here chaps. I know how to do it.'
He went over to the Welshman and said, 'St David was a flippin' sissy.'
To this the Welshman replied, 'Ah well you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.
The Irishman now tried his luck and said to the Welshman, 'St David was a stupid fool that wore a dress!'
The Welshman again replied, 'You're very sharp, you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.
The Scotsman told his friends he knew how to rile the Welshman and bounced up to the table and yelled, 'St David was a Scotsman!'
The Welshman replied, calmly, 'That's what your mates were trying to tell me.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmng9/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_walk/
%
So I added Paul Walker on Xbox Live yesterday....

Sadly he spends all his time on the dashboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmmou/so_i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox_live_yesterday/
%
NSFW - An eleven year old realized that she had started to grow hair in between her legs.

She had gotten worried and asked her mother about the hair. Her mother calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called a monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair."
The next morning at breakfast, the girl tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That's nothing. Mines already eating bananas." Their mother fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmkdf/nsfw_an_eleven_year_old_realized_that_she_had/
%
My friend said onions are the only food that can make you cry.

So I threw a coconut at him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmgsq/my_friend_said_onions_are_the_only_food_that_can/
%
A lawyer and a priest die and go to heaven.

"Welcome!", says St. Peter. "Follow me and I'll show you your new homes!"
First, he shows the lawyer a humongous mansion with a huge garden and several large fountains. "This is where you'll be living", St. Peter says. The lawyer starts jumping around due to excitement and rushes inside.
The priest becomes excited. He's served God his whole life, so he knows that he will get an amazing house that'll be even better than the magnificent house that the lawyer got.
However, St. Peter takes him to a shabby old apartment with several cars in the parking lot. There are numerous identical apartments surrounding this shabby apartment.
"This is where you'll be living.", St. Peter says.
The priests goes ballistic. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I'VE SERVED GOD MY ENTIRE GODDAMN LIFE! WHY THE FUCK DO I GET SUCH A SHITTY PLACE TO LIVE?!", he says.
St. Peter sighs and says, "Well, we've got thousands upon thousands of priests here, but that's the first lawyer we've ever gotten!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmeot/a_lawyer_and_a_priest_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
What is the difference between a bachelorette party and Cirque du Soleil?

One is a group of cunning stunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmaoc/what_is_the_difference_between_a_bachelorette/
%
I put a beaker of sodium hydroxide on a biography.

It was base on a true story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmak2/i_put_a_beaker_of_sodium_hydroxide_on_a_biography/
%
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding.

But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I'm the jerk...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wm6nk/everyone_says_they_want_a_fairytale_wedding/
%
Study shows 1 out of 3 people are unfaithful to their partner.

I wonder if it's my girlfriend or my wife...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wm5w0/study_shows_1_out_of_3_people_are_unfaithful_to/
%
A Married Gentleman

A married Gentleman coming through Canterbury, his Horse threw him, which a young Gentlewoman seeing, fell a laughing; the Man being terribly vext that she should laugh at his fall, angerly said, Madam, pray admire not at this, for my Horse always stumbles when he meets a Whore; she sharply reply’d, have a care then Sir, you do not meet your Wife, for then you will certainly break your neck.
(HC, Penny Merriments, ‘Canterbury Tales’, 1687: B1v.–B2r.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wm3o0/a_married_gentleman/
%
My wife was vehemently prolife.

Until she heard the news that my girlfriend is pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wm1za/my_wife_was_vehemently_prolife/
%
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wm0n9/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_once/
%
A man walks into a bar with a gun.

"Alright, who the fuck slept with my wife?"
A voice from the back called out, "You don't have enough bullets, mate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wm0lc/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_gun/
%
A man and his monkey.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wlxhl/a_man_and_his_monkey/
%
Some people tell me I have a superiority complex.

But it's actually pretty simple. They're just too dumb to comprehend it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wlso2/some_people_tell_me_i_have_a_superiority_complex/
%
How many states of matter are there?

5: solids, liquids, gases, plasma, and black lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wlr30/how_many_states_of_matter_are_there/
%
A man in his 80s is talking to his friend

A man (Jerry) is talking to his friend, Bob. Both gentlemen are in their 80s. Jerry says to Bob "I just started taking viagra to help me make love to my wife." Bob says "But Jerry, don't know you know that can be fatal at your age?" Jerry replies "Hey, if she dies, she dies..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wlpg9/a_man_in_his_80s_is_talking_to_his_friend/
%
How can you tell what rank a Russian soldier is?

Count the stripes on his track pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wlls9/how_can_you_tell_what_rank_a_russian_soldier_is/
%
Three men died and went to heaven...

... and met St. Peter at the pearly gates, who was explaining a new reward system to the newcomers. Each person who made it to heaven would receive a vehicle, the quality of which would be determined by how faithful they were to their spouses on Earth. The first man had his fair share of adulterous adventures, and he received a 1992 Toyota Corolla. The second man was pretty faithful, but even he was not loyal throughout his entire life, and he received a brand new Chevy Silverado. These two men then approached then third man, who was in tears. "Why are you so upset?", one of them asked. "You were the most faithful man we ever knew, and look, you've got a Lamborghini!" The third man replied, "Yes, but look at my wife over there. She's riding a scooter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wljfv/three_men_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
joke time

jeff-hey john
john-yea,whats up jeff
jeff-did u see the directors cut of the diary of anne frank?
john-haha,no i did not know there was such a thing
jeff-well,it has this super hot shower scene
john-oh fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wle8w/joke_time/
%
Is Google a male or a female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wl969/is_google_a_male_or_a_female/
%
If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

Congress

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wl64t/if_pro_is_the_opposite_of_con_then_what_is_the/
%
What did Holly Holm say to Ronda Rousey's date to the Marine Corps Ball?

I hit that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wkzpk/what_did_holly_holm_say_to_ronda_rouseys_date_to/
%
How much space does fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wkznw/how_much_space_does_fungi_need_to_grow/
%
There are three men building a skyscraper.

An Englishman a Welshman and an Irishman were building a skyscraper, the Englishman opened his sandwiches and said "Dammit, if my wife makes me pork sandwiches i'll jump off this building", the Welshman opens his and says "If my wife makes tuna again I'll jump off as well". The Irishman opens his and says "Corned beef again, if I get these tomorrow I too will jump off with you two."
The next day the three men open their sandwiches, the Englishman has pork, and jumps off, the Welshman has tuna, so he too jumps off, the Irishman has corned beef and jumps off.
At their funerals their wives are talking, the Englishman's wife says "He should have said, I didn't know he hated pork, the Welshman's wife nodded in agreement, but the Irishman's wife was confused, she said "But Pat made his own sandwiches"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wkyeu/there_are_three_men_building_a_skyscraper/
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What's an epileptic persons favorite pizza place?

Little Ceizures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wkxmd/whats_an_epileptic_persons_favorite_pizza_place/
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Got an A on my paper...

Time to write the rest of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wkwgg/got_an_a_on_my_paper/
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What's worse than waking up after a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wkvht/whats_worse_than_waking_up_after_a_party_and/
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Why did Jared decide to gain all of his weight back?

The mall is hiring new Santas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wkry8/why_did_jared_decide_to_gain_all_of_his_weight/
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Presidential clock

After dinner one night, Bill Clinton drops his pants and points at his manhood, telling Hillary if she is going to be President, she better get to know the Presidential clock.  She yells, "That's not a clock", to which he responds, "If you put two hands and a face on it, it will be!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wkraj/presidential_clock/
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My cat was looking for a place to sleep today,

all she kneaded was my lap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wkr83/my_cat_was_looking_for_a_place_to_sleep_today/
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What do you call a pool full of details?

The specific ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wko1a/what_do_you_call_a_pool_full_of_details/
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I went out to buy a belt.

I went to many different stores but none fit me. Either too big or too small.
Finally, the fifth store I came to had one that fit just right.
Just one.
Only problem was, instead of the buckle there was a watch. I mean who would put a watch there??
I decided to buy it anyway. So I walk to the register and and I show him the belt.
He says: "Sorry, that one was for display. Maybe we have some back in storage".
So he calls one of the store-ladies and she takes me to the back of the store.
She asks to wait by the door while she goes to check. I didn't want to be rude so I patiently waited.
Five minutes goes by.
Ten minutes.....twenty.
After a half an hour I was about to leave and I see her making her way back to the door.
"Sorry, the belt with the watch on it seems to be out of stock".
I was so annoyed at this point. As I make my way out of the store I glance at the cashier and see the belt and think to myself, wow... that was a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wknni/i_went_out_to_buy_a_belt/
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Why was Nikola Tesla a fan of Marvel?

Because he didn't like DC...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wkmpj/why_was_nikola_tesla_a_fan_of_marvel/
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Led Zeppelin obsession

My girlfriend came in with tears in her eyes, saying she prayed and prayed that I would end my obsession with Led Zeppelin.
I told her, "Crying won't help ya. Praying won't do you no good."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wkehg/led_zeppelin_obsession/
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Chastity Belt

So, this guy was going to Crusade. He put on a chastity belt on his wife, gave the key to his best friend and said, "if I don't come back in 3 years, set her free." He starts off on his horse. After a while, he sees a big cloud of dust behind him. Someone was riding his horse really fast. So, he waits. The horse catches up to him. It's his best friend.
"You gave me the wrong key", yells his friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wke2j/chastity_belt/
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What do you call a plastic Jedi?

Manakin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wkd6n/what_do_you_call_a_plastic_jedi/
%
What's The Same About Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd?

Their last big hit was the wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wk9xt/whats_the_same_about_dale_earnhardt_and_pink_floyd/
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Boyfriend meets girlfriend's parents for the first time and does a fart at the dinner table...

...thankfully the girlfriend's dad didn't hear it and upon smelling it shouts "Champ!" at their dog sat underneath the dinner table.
A little later the boyfriend really needs to fart again, and since the parents are blaming the dog he decides he's safe to let another one out quietly. His girlfriend notices the side-lift action this time and gives him a knowing glare but, again, her dad just shouts "Champ!"
Like clockwork, a little later the boyfriend's bowels can't keep it in and once again he needs to fart, and since the parents aren't noticing he just goes for another silent but deadly. This time the dad stands up and shouts "Champ! Will you get out from under there before he does a poo on your head!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wk9o4/boyfriend_meets_girlfriends_parents_for_the_first/
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Why is Santa always jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wk2y1/why_is_santa_always_jolly/
%
A guy walks into the doctors office

the doctor says, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?  The guys says give me the good news.  Well, says the doctor, the good news is that they're going to name a new disease after you...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wk13z/a_guy_walks_into_the_doctors_office/
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What is 6.9?

A great thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wjs8s/what_is_69/
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I met a really unfriendly Christian outside the church the other day.

Told me to call him Mr Bale and shut the fuck up during filming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wjqs0/i_met_a_really_unfriendly_christian_outside_the/
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Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

Because 6, 7 8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wjns8/why_was_yoda_afraid_of_7/
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Husband & Wife Joke

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wjkzy/husband_wife_joke/
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What can't a man with no arms break?

His fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wjf6y/what_cant_a_man_with_no_arms_break/
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What do you call a white guy on steroids?

An athlete

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wjekz/what_do_you_call_a_white_guy_on_steroids/
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What does a scientologist and an almond have in common?

They are both nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wjadp/what_does_a_scientologist_and_an_almond_have_in/
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Went to the doctor's office for my flu shot. He promised it wouldn't hurt...

Insensitive prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wj8id/went_to_the_doctors_office_for_my_flu_shot_he/
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I registered to a website for constipation sufferers.

It won't let me logout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wj7s0/i_registered_to_a_website_for_constipation/
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Oldie but a goodie

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wj6t4/oldie_but_a_goodie/
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How to tell time in a forest

Here's how to tell time in a forest.
Try and face north, or make your best approximation as to which way is north. Stand straight and tall. Extend both arms so that they are parallel with the ground. Lower your left arm back down to your side. Bend your right arm so that your hand is against the left side of your chest. Now lower your chin to your chest and look at your watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wj64c/how_to_tell_time_in_a_forest/
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What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wj06f/whats_the_difference_between_snow_men_and_snow/
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What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common.

They both barely cover the asshole.
(gota give Seth Myer credit for this one).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wiytq/what_do_a_thong_bikini_and_donalds_trumps_hair/
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Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wiwnn/christmas_joke_three_men_died/
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Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wiw5u/ukrainian_authorities_are_planning_to_turn_the/
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Christmas Trees and The Pope

Q: What do Christmas trees and The Pope have in common??
A: Their balls are for decoration only

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wivmy/christmas_trees_and_the_pope/
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Say 'beer can' in a British accent.

I just taught you to say 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wiqch/say_beer_can_in_a_british_accent/
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Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wipwf/did_you_know_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
From my 7yo: "Why did the moon marry the sun?"

Because the sun is hott.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wihty/from_my_7yo_why_did_the_moon_marry_the_sun/
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I am friends with 25 letters from the alphabet

I don't know y

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3widv7/i_am_friends_with_25_letters_from_the_alphabet/
%
Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

because they can't protect their towers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wia9h/why_are_americans_so_bad_at_league_of_legends/
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2 Stormtrooper are eating a Wookie steak

it was chewy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wi7lt/2_stormtrooper_are_eating_a_wookie_steak/
%
Abortions are so fun

It really brings out the kid in you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wi76h/abortions_are_so_fun/
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3 dogs at the vet.

First one says to the second "What are you in for?" He replies "I like to chase cars, but yesterday I caused an accident which killed someone, so they're going to put me down." Second dog asks the first "So what are you in for?" First replies. "I was at home the other day, sitting on the back porch just minding my own business, when the neighbours kids came over and started jumping on me and pulling my ears. So I bit one of the little pricks, and now I'm getting put down!" They both look to the third dog and ask what he's in for. "Well, this morning my owner was drying herself off after having a shower. When she bent over to dry her feet, I couldn't help myself, I took the opportunity and had my way with her." Second dog says. "So you're getting put down for that?!" He replies "Nah mate, I'm just getting my nails trimmed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wi60c/3_dogs_at_the_vet/
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wi4k1/i_wondered_why_the_baseball_was_getting_bigger/
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Saying Thanks in Spanish

The cowboy sat on a stool drinking a beer as the Mexican, also dressed in western garb, sat next to him. There was a slight nod as they looked at each other.
Soon the cowboy ordered another and bought one for the Mexican also. When their glasses became empty the cowboy bought again. Then a third time the cowboy bought again and the Mexican grinned and spoke something but the bar-tender never knew what he said.
Then the cowboy seemed to be infuriated and stood up suddenly grawing his gun and shot the Mexican dead...
At the cowboy's hearing the judge the judge asked the cowboy, "Why did you suddenly become enraged for no apparent reason and shoot this individual dead."
"Well, the cowboy explained, I tried to be friendly and he began calling me names and insulting me for no reason and finally I got mad."
"What names did he call you that made you so mad that you wanted to kill him?" asked the Judge.
"Well, answered the cowboy, three times I bought him a drink, and each time he grinned in my face and called me Grassy Ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wi3ck/saying_thanks_in_spanish/
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"What do you do for a living?" "I'm an organ trafficker."

"Oh my God, do you have no heart?"
"Are you criticizing me or making an order?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3why8k/what_do_you_do_for_a_living_im_an_organ_trafficker/
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An older woman (around age 47) gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the vehicle, she rolls down her window

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?!?!
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands her license to the officer.  The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3whxjo/an_older_woman_around_age_47_gets_pulled_over_for/
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You've really gotta hand it to short people

because we usually can't reach it anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3whxam/youve_really_gotta_hand_it_to_short_people/
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Early in the morning, an East German man named Honecker arrives at his office and opens his window.

He greets the Sun, saying: "Good morning, dear Sun!"
"Good morning, dear Honecker" the sun replies.
Honecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: "Good day, dear Sun!"
"Good day, dear Honecker!" the sun replies.
In the evening, Honecker calls it a day, and heads once more to the window, and says: "Good evening, dear Sun!" There is no response.
Hearing nothing, Honecker says again: "Good evening, dear Sun! What's the matter?" The sun retorts: "Fuck you. I'm in the West now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3whsn3/early_in_the_morning_an_east_german_man_named/
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Awesome rhyming jokes NSFW

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from Belgrave,
Who found a dead whore in a cave.
It must have taken pluck,
to have a cold fuck;
But think of the money he saved!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Racine
who'd invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex,
it fit either sex,
but boy, was it a bitch to keep clean.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was an old man of Duluth
whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose,
and his fingers and toes,
and he came through a hole in his tooth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Soon in Paris, on the Boulevard Salique,
Yous should purchase (complet avec talic,
Pour soixante francs cinq)
A short hose and a tank,
And they call it Le Fuckeur Hydraulique
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a lady named Lucky,
Who used dynamite to give herself fucky.
They found her vagina,
in North Carolina,
And one of her tits in Kentucky
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An exotic young lady named Suki,
Once danced in a troupe of kabuki,
When asked for a fuck,
he said, "Solly, no luck...
See here: looky looky, no nuki "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now written especially for Chuck,
On her nipples young Anna has SUCK.
For young Chuck is as thick
As two planks or a brick;
Yes, you've guessed it; her pussy reads FUCK.
It's not that she minds if his prong
Or his tongue on occasions go wrong,
But she's full of despair
'Cause he's SO unaware
That she's now had to label his DONG.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I fuck her low,
I fuck her high,
I fuck her wet, I fuck her dry,
And when she's dead and long forgotten,
I will dig her up, and fuck her rotten
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While screwing his wife, Dr. Zuck
In his ears his wife's nipples he stuck.
With his thumb up her bum,
He could hear himself come,
And invented the Radio Fuck!
Not taking credit for this one, I got them from
http://www.jokeindex.com/joke.asp?Joke=3584

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3whs4l/awesome_rhyming_jokes_nsfw/
%
The good thing about necrophilia is you don't need to bring flowers.

Most of the time they're usually already there.
-Goerge Carlin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3who26/the_good_thing_about_necrophilia_is_you_dont_need/
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Shopkeeper receives flowers at the opening of his new store...

And the card says "Rest In Peace". So he calls up the florist, angry, and she says, "Sir, at least you weren't the one who got flowers at your wife's funeral that said, 'Congratulations on the new location.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3whiow/shopkeeper_receives_flowers_at_the_opening_of_his/
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Feminists need to learn spelling

So yesterday, I was walking down the street when a girl claiming to be a feminist handed me this flyer. It said, "PUT A WOMEN IN THE WHITE HOUSE".
I looked up at her confused and walked away.
That was an odd way to spell kitchen...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wh85b/feminists_need_to_learn_spelling/
%
How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wh2f1/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
The steak pun...

...a rare medium, sometimes well done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wh16k/the_steak_pun/
%
I had to interview a new hire today...

He listed on his resume as experience he was a mod on reddit.
This is a joke, right?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wgssg/i_had_to_interview_a_new_hire_today/
%
Sneezing orgasm.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. '
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wgph2/sneezing_orgasm/
%
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman apply to join MI6

The Englishman comes in for his interview and it goes really well, he has a glowing record in the Army and is a perfect fit for the job.
At the end the interviewer asks him "Who do you love more, your country or your wife?"
The Englishman replies "My country of course!"
"OK" says the interviewer, "go through to the next room and shoot your wife" and he hands the Englishman a 9mm pistol.
The Englishman takes the pistol and walks through to the next room, lo and behold is wife is there sitting at a table.
He thinks back to all the years he has been married, how she has stuck with him through thick and thin throughout his military career. He goes back to the interviewer and hands over the gun, "I cannot do it, I love her too much".
The Scotsman comes in for his interview and it goes brilliantly, he has an amazing record in the Navy and is a perfect fit for the job.
At the end the interviewer asks him "Who do you love more, your country or your wife?"
The Scotsman replies "My country of course!"
"OK" says the interviewer, "go through to the next room and shoot your wife" and he hands the Scotsman a 9mm pistol.
The Scotsman takes the pistol and walks through to the next room, lo and behold is wife is there sitting at a table.
He thinks back to all the years she has stuck by him, on long deployments in the Navy, she has always been there for him when he returns. He goes back to the interviewer and hands over the gun, "I cannot do it, I love her too much".
The Englishman and the Scotsman are in the waiting room and they see the Irishman go in for his interview. After a while they suddenly hear loud noises:
BANG! BANG! BANG!
a pause and then:
THUD! THUD! THUD! ... THUD!
A few seconds later the Irishman staggers out of the interview room covered in blood.
The Englishman ans Scotsman shout at him "WHAT HAPPENED?!"
The Irishman replies "Some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I beat her to death with the chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wgm84/an_englishman_irishman_and_a_scotsman_apply_to/
%
I met a ninja and asked if he could throw those pointy stars that ninjas have.

He said, "shuriken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wgju4/i_met_a_ninja_and_asked_if_he_could_throw_those/
%
The golfer who won a bottle of whiskey

At the local countryclub, a golfer joined the club-tournament and won a bottle of whiskey.
He then came home to his wife completely dirty, bloody and confused.
She asked him:
"What happened?"
He answered:
"Everything is fine... I won a bottle of whiskey at the countryclub, but because I rode my bike today, I worried that if I fell on the way home, my bottle would get smashed! So in order to save my whiskey, I drank the bottle before riding home. And I have got to say that was a good idea, because I fell like SIX times on the way home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wgjdw/the_golfer_who_won_a_bottle_of_whiskey/
%
An ISIS attack wouldn't do any damage to Chicago

What's one more pot hole?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wgiy8/an_isis_attack_wouldnt_do_any_damage_to_chicago/
%
On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex. Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

...and stuck my cock in her mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wgi1g/on_the_eve_of_our_anniversary_my_wife_and_i/
%
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wghnj/whats_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_man_on/
%
I used a vaccum cleaner inside of an elevator

It sucked on so many levels...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wgh4v/i_used_a_vaccum_cleaner_inside_of_an_elevator/
%
Why can't Ken get Barbie pregnant?

He cums in another box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wgf2s/why_cant_ken_get_barbie_pregnant/
%
What's the saddest computer you can buy?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wgdfl/whats_the_saddest_computer_you_can_buy/
%
A hunter wakes his wife early in the morning

and says, "Get up your going hunting with me!"
She replies " NO, it's too early and I don't want to."
The hunter says" You can either go hunting with me, give me a blow job, or get fucked in the ass. I'm going to get the truck loaded up and the dogs ready and when I come back in you better have an answer."
After a while the hunter comes back in and asks what will it be?
His wife replies that she will give him a blow job.
She starts to suck his dick and has a horrible look on her face and asks "why does your dick taste horrible?!!"
The hunter replies " The dogs didn't want to go either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wgcnl/a_hunter_wakes_his_wife_early_in_the_morning/
%
Why do Storm Troopers like churchs?

Cuz of all the pews.
I hate myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wgbyj/why_do_storm_troopers_like_churchs/
%
What happens to illegally parked frogs ?

They get toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wg8gb/what_happens_to_illegally_parked_frogs/
%
I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.

Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wg83b/i_wish_my_penis_felt_the_same_way_my_nose/
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New hearing aide

A friend of mine got new a hearing aid and he was ecstatic over how much better he could hear.
"It's like night and day", he said. "I can't believe all the sounds I was missing"
I asked, "What kind is it?"
He answered "about a quarter to four"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wg7my/new_hearing_aide/
%
What do you call a bunch of white guys and a one black man

Court

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wg75r/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_guys_and_a_one/
%
Statistically...

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wg4k6/statistically/
%
A drunken farmer stumbles upstairs into his bedroom, waking his wife.

She sits up and sees the husband carrying a sheep underneath his arm.  The farmer yells, "See, honey, this is the pig I've been fucking."  The wife yells back, "you idiot, that's not a pig, it's a sheep!"  The farmer says, "shut the fuck up, I was talking to the sheep!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wg0im/a_drunken_farmer_stumbles_upstairs_into_his/
%
I ate five cans of alphabet soup.....

I had the biggest vowel movement of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wfz2d/i_ate_five_cans_of_alphabet_soup/
%
what do you call 6.02 X 10^23 atoms of avocado dipping sauce?

one guacamole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wfv5p/what_do_you_call_602_x_1023_atoms_of_avocado/
%
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high...

...she seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wfuy2/i_told_my_girlfriend_she_drew_her_eyebrows_too/
%
I heard it took at least two elephants to make the keys on my antique piano

I had no idea they were capable of such delicate work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wfqn1/i_heard_it_took_at_least_two_elephants_to_make/
%
I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.

Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China.
The governor: Fine people...I don't know.
Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?
Farmer: I'm a farmer.
Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?
Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced.
Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government?
Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course.
Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government.
Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask.
Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?
Farmer: I actually have two cows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wfpf4/i_lived_in_china_for_a_long_time_this_was_the/
%
What time does Sean Connery arrive at the Wimbledon?

Tennish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wfp6v/what_time_does_sean_connery_arrive_at_the/
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Paddy and Murphy are in a dark cave.

Paddy says "It's too dark. Do you have a match?"
Murphy hands Paddy a match, which Paddy strikes against the wall..but nothing happens. He strikes the match again but, again, nothing.
Paddy says to Murphy "This match doesn't work."
"That's strange," says Murphy. "It worked earlier."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wfp24/paddy_and_murphy_are_in_a_dark_cave/
%
Two Englishmen walk into a nearly empty American bar and one orders a pint of Strongbow

The bartender replies, "Oh, you boys must be British."
"You can tell from the order and accent, can you?" responds one of the Englishmen.
The bartender replies, "No, I can tell because you two lined up even though you're the only two at the bar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wfnr5/two_englishmen_walk_into_a_nearly_empty_american/
%
They say faith can't move mountains

But I've seen what it can do to skyskrapers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wfjpb/they_say_faith_cant_move_mountains/
%
I accidentally stabbed myself with a pen

It drew blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wfh3o/i_accidentally_stabbed_myself_with_a_pen/
%
What Is the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?

One is white, made of plastic, and very dangerous if left around small children. The other is a plastic bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wfgvf/what_is_the_difference_between_michael_jackson/
%
A son asks his father

Son: Dad, what do I give my
girlfriend as a Christmas gift?
Dad : How does she look?
Son: She looks sweet, pretty, fun to be with, and even tall and also fair in complexion.
Dad : Give her my number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wfgld/a_son_asks_his_father/
%
Donald Trump has cancelled a planned trip to Israel.

When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and fear of Muslims. My work there is done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wffzy/donald_trump_has_cancelled_a_planned_trip_to/
%
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?

Harry managed to escape the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wf812/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_the/
%
What's the difference between a yogurt and the Americans?

If you leave a yogurt for 200 years it'll grow a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wf3rn/whats_the_difference_between_a_yogurt_and_the/
%
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.

"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wez4g/a_man_came_back_from_a_long_business_trip_to_find/
%
How many gay guys does it take to flip a car?

We'll find out when the cubs win the World Series

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3weyc6/how_many_gay_guys_does_it_take_to_flip_a_car/
%
When Hugh Hefner dies

I don't think people will say he's in a better place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wex1o/when_hugh_hefner_dies/
%
I make my girlfriend work out 5 times a week and eat healthy.

I don't want her getting fat like my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wetjo/i_make_my_girlfriend_work_out_5_times_a_week_and/
%
I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.

She was seeing other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3werut/i_had_to_break_up_with_my_crosseyed_girlfriend/
%
new job in call center

I got a new job with the local suicide hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3weoky/new_job_in_call_center/
%
What's the most capable element?

Tin, because tin can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3weod7/whats_the_most_capable_element/
%
Dark humour is a lot like food

Not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wemmu/dark_humour_is_a_lot_like_food/
%
My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.

Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?
Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.
Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wekjp/my_wife_and_i_decided_to_see_a_therapist_because/
%
Some guy in a in a wheelchair stole my camo jacket

He can hide but he can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3weew1/some_guy_in_a_in_a_wheelchair_stole_my_camo_jacket/
%
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.                                                                                        The other man replied, "No, just taking a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wecm4/a_man_was_walking_his_dog_through_a_graveyard/
%
Four more years is a great thing to shout at a president running for reelection...

But not so good to shout at a 14 year old girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3webya/four_more_years_is_a_great_thing_to_shout_at_a/
%
A new study shows that men's eyesight improves by an average of 15% when they are looking at a woman's butt.

Hindsight really is 20/20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3web4u/a_new_study_shows_that_mens_eyesight_improves_by/
%
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

You staple a slice of toast to the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3we4te/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_ethiopia/
%
A rich old man goes golfing with his friends

And he brings along a gorgeous young lady.
"Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.
After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: "how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!"
"I lied about my age"
"And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?"
"I told her I was ninety"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3we3z3/a_rich_old_man_goes_golfing_with_his_friends/
%
What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wdwns/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
Mopeds are for men who want to ride motorcycles

but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wdnxk/mopeds_are_for_men_who_want_to_ride_motorcycles/
%
The farmers and the mermaid

On a farm over in Italy along the coastline there was a farm where a mother and her 3 sons lived. The father had died years ago fighting in a war. Ever since the only income for this family was a lone dairy cow; which was milked daily. On one morning the mother went out to milk said cow only to find that it was laying dead in the pasture. She fell to her knees and began to cry uncontrollably. Shortly thereafter a mermaid arose from the ocean and tried to console her. She asked "Why are you crying my dear?" in which the mother replied "Our cow, our only source of income is dead. My family will surely starve!" the mermaid replied "I happen to know that you have three handsome sons. Mother I will make a deal with you. If your oldest son can fuck me more than 15 times I will bring your cow back to life." So the mother goes and fetches her eldest son who is 17 years old and explains the situation to him. he replies "Of course mother, I will do this for the sake of the family!" Well after 13 times the son drops dead from exhaustion. The mermaid feeling sympathetic tells the mother "If your middle son can fuck me more than 10 times I will bring your cow back to life." so the mother grabs the next eldest who is 15 and explains the situation. He agrees to fuck the mermaid, however dies after 8 times from exhaustion. Still feeling sympathetic the mermaid tells the mother that if her youngest son can fuck her more than 5 times she'll bring the cow back to life. The mother fetches her 12 year old and explains whats going on. At this point the 12 year old turns to the mermaid and replies "Nahhhh lets make it 20 times!!" as to which the mermaid is taken aback in disbelief. Shes questions his judgement but agrees to 20. After a few days the boy arises from the field from fucking her non stop, the mermaid herself almost dead with exhaustion rolls over and asks "How did you learn to fuck like that?!?!!?" as to which the boy replies "How do you think the cow died?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wdnp0/the_farmers_and_the_mermaid/
%
One time, at this party...

I went to get a drink and there was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wdg9z/one_time_at_this_party/
%
A cadet pirate boards his first ship...

The chief pirate welcomed him and was showing him around the vessel "this is your room","this is where laundry is done" etc..etc...
Finally he shows him towards a barrel with a whole on the side of it. "This is where you come whenever youre horny... just put your penis in it and... you know."
The cadet was over the moon and asked the chief pirate "When can i use it?", to which the chief replied "Monday to Wednesday, and Friday to Sunday".
Satisfied with the 6 day week, but curious about the remaining Thursday, the cadet asked "Why not on Thursday?"
Chief replied, "Because Thursday is your turn inside the barrel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wdb1e/a_cadet_pirate_boards_his_first_ship/
%
A little Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow 50 dollars.

His dad says, "50 dollars?! Why the heck do you need 40 dollars? 30 dollars is a LOT of money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wd9j0/a_little_jewish_boy_asks_his_father_if_he_can/
%
So a guy named Mike applies to join a Chicago police department.

"The first test is to lift a bag that is the size of a human and carry it to safety out of a building.", says the chief.
Mike succeeds.
"Next, you must show us your driving skills and show that you can handle a police car.", the chief says.
Mike succeeds.
"Now, for your final test, I want you to go shoot a black teenager and three songbirds.", says the chief.
"Why should I shoot three songbirds?", says Mike.
"Congratulations, you've got the job!", says the chief.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wd8j7/so_a_guy_named_mike_applies_to_join_a_chicago/
%
A few days ago i saw an amazing magician...

When he opened his jacket and screamed Allahu Akbar he disappeared along with 30 others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wd7nb/a_few_days_ago_i_saw_an_amazing_magician/
%
A Mexican magician says that he can disappear on the count of three.

"Uno, dos...", he says before he was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wd78w/a_mexican_magician_says_that_he_can_disappear_on/
%
"Son, I want to let you know that you were adopted.

"What?! Really?!", I said.
"Yep! Go pack your things and get ready", my dad said. "They'll be here to pick you up in twenty minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wd4w5/son_i_want_to_let_you_know_that_you_were_adopted/
%
I saw a very odd Middle Eastern market the other day.

It was quite bazaar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wd3ud/i_saw_a_very_odd_middle_eastern_market_the_other/
%
How do they calculate global warming?

Al-gore-ythms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wd2f1/how_do_they_calculate_global_warming/
%
An old hag died.

She was a mother, a wife, and a mother-in-law. Everybody knew that she and her son-in-law hated each other.
But, on the day of the funeral, people arrive at the church and see something unexpected: the son-in-law, over the open casket, holding the hands of the dead woman, forehead pressed to her forehead. He looks like he's been crying.
One of the guests gently taps him on the shoulder and says:
"I'm sorry, we didn't know you loved her so much..."
The son-in-law replies after a brief pause:
"When she died, I was so happy I went drinking. I drank for three days straight. I have a hangover so fierce, I cried. And this bitch... she's so pleasantly cold right now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wd11k/an_old_hag_died/
%
Mike Tyson asks you: How do you think the unthinkable?

With an Itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wd0qt/mike_tyson_asks_you_how_do_you_think_the/
%
Jacob and the Lottery

Jacob is a well to do Jewish man with a beautiful wife and 3 children. He owns a start-up business that has been doing quite well recently.
However, his business suddenly goes bankrupt and Jacob goes to God for help.
Jacob kneels at the altar and says: "Lord I have always been faithful and have done my best to not violate the 10 commandments. I only ask that you let me win this week's lottery so that I may support my family."
Nothing happens and Jacob sinks deeper into despair.
Once again he prays: "Dear Lord, my business has been taken from me and now I have had to turn my house over to the bank for the want of money. I only ask that you let me win this week's lottery."
Still, nothing happens.
Jacob prays to God one last time: "Lord, I have always been faithful, yet now my business, my house and my 3 children have been taken from me. My wife has left me and I no longer have purpose to live. Please just let me win the lottery so I may get back on my feet."
Silence ensues, followed by a deafening voice.
"Jacob, meet me halfway on this and buy a damn ticket."
~~No racism intended.~~

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wcwba/jacob_and_the_lottery/
%
An old married couple is laying in bed when the husband fart. "Seven points," he says.

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wcsy3/an_old_married_couple_is_laying_in_bed_when_the/
%
I hate it when people ask me what i'll be doing in 5 years time

C'mon!! I don't have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wcsvu/i_hate_it_when_people_ask_me_what_ill_be_doing_in/
%
A young man was going to be married

so he asked his father if he could give his fiance his deceased mother's ring. This was fine with the father.
The father decided to have it appraised for insurance purposes. He asked a lady friend who was a well-known jeweler to do the appraisal; she accepted, and said that her fee would be supper at a very nice Houston restaurant.
They had supper together, and as they lingered over coffee, he produced the ring. She took it out of the box, examined it, put on her jeweler's loupe and examined it some more.
As she put it back in its box and passed it back to the father, a man at the next table said, "My Gawd, I heard these Houston women were picky, but this takes the cake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wcs9k/a_young_man_was_going_to_be_married/
%
Three Chinese went to America..

Three Chinese named Chu, Bu, and Fu went to America.
Upon reaching there they decided to Americanise their names.
So Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck..
And Fu decided to return to China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wck20/three_chinese_went_to_america/
%
Why do you never see black people on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wcfs7/why_do_you_never_see_black_people_on_cruises/
%
If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive..

they'd eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wcbk5/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
%
Little Johnny came home from school.

"I failed math today." He told his father.
"What?! How did you fail math?!" His father asked.
Johnny explained, "Well, she asked me what three times two is. I said six."
His father nodded, "Yeah, that's the right answer. And...?"
"Then she asked me what two times three is."
"What the fuck is the difference?"
Johnny exclaimed, "That's what I said!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wc95w/little_johnny_came_home_from_school/
%
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.

Dirty bastards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wc32q/thieves_had_broken_into_my_house_and_stolen/
%
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac start getting bored...

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... and the masochist says:
"Meow."
[Brazenly re-said for the purpose of your enjoyment]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wc0s3/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer_a_necrophile_a/
%
A man walks into a bar...

He asks the barman "do you serve women here?" The barman replies "no, sorry, you'll have to bring your own."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wby6e/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A driver gets pulled over for rolling through a stop.

The officer says to the driver, "You didn't come to a stop at that stop sign back there.  I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
The driver complains, "I slowed down, but there were no cars coming!"
The officer replies, "You have to come to a complete stop at a stop sign, that's the law."
The driver starts to get angry and yells, "Oh come on, this is ridiculous!  It doesn't make any difference if I slow down or if I stop!"
The officer then grabs the driver by the arm and pulls him out of the car onto the ground and starts beating the shit out of him with his baton.
The driver screams, "WHAT THE FUCK MAN?!"
"DO YOU WANT ME TO SLOW DOWN, OR DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wbxv7/a_driver_gets_pulled_over_for_rolling_through_a/
%
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

It was soda pressing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wbxpw/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
%
What does an elephant say when it kidnaps someone?

"Get in the trunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wbwiy/what_does_an_elephant_say_when_it_kidnaps_someone/
%
Santa probably regrets giving coal

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wbt3r/santa_probably_regrets_giving_coal/
%
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me –faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!
And the husband replied “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that
she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wbq52/the_wife_came_home_early_and_found_her_husband_in/
%
What present did the kid with no hands get?

Gloves.
Ha! Just kidding, I don't know what he got, he hasn't opened it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wbij8/what_present_did_the_kid_with_no_hands_get/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wbffr/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a lobster with implants?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wbf6f/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
So I went to the doctor's office today.

He tells me I need to stop masturbating. I ask him why, is my heart to weak, or something? He says "no, im trying to examine you..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wbc4b/so_i_went_to_the_doctors_office_today/
%
Ever wonder where people got their surnames from?

Mr. Baker was probably a baker.
Mr. Butcher might have been a butcher.
...then there's Mr. Dickinson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wb81t/ever_wonder_where_people_got_their_surnames_from/
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Tough to be Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.
" Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wb5xh/tough_to_be_irish/
%
How are Cigarettes like Hamsters?

They're harmless until you put one in your mouth and light in on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wb52k/how_are_cigarettes_like_hamsters/
%
Last night, I forgot about the Sun

Then it dawned on me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wb3me/last_night_i_forgot_about_the_sun/
%
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?

Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wb3cd/have_you_ever_tried_ethiopian_food/
%
A preacher was telling his congregation about the virtues of forgiving their enemies.

He asked if anyone there had no enemies. An 85 year old man raises his hand. The preacher is amazed. He says, "Will you tell us, good sir, how is you have no enemies?" The old man says, " yeah, I've outlived all the fuckers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wb2et/a_preacher_was_telling_his_congregation_about_the/
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I accidentally sent my essay to the 3D printer...

it came out as a piece of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wavsd/i_accidentally_sent_my_essay_to_the_3d_printer/
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How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.
One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the light bulb for being broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3waug2/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
What's the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you can even see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3waqh7/whats_the_fastest_liquid_on_earth/
%
Totally going to buy a tiny pet crow for myself.

Gonna call it Micro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wanuh/totally_going_to_buy_a_tiny_pet_crow_for_myself/
%
A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying

"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"
"Klose", replied the groggy husband.
"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"
"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.
"Who was that girl in that 'Saved by the Bell'  show, Kapowski?"
"Tiffani Thiessen, played Kelly Kapowski"
"And also, when'd that new girl, Sandy, move downstairs again?"
"Two months next Wednesday. What's going on honey?" asked the husband, now irritated.
"Yesterday was my birthday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wai1c/a_woman_wakes_her_husband_up_at_2_am_saying/
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Why are old balloons cheaper than new balloons?

Because of inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wa7wr/why_are_old_balloons_cheaper_than_new_balloons/
%
Joke said by my little sister

"Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?"
"Why?"
"Because she will let it go"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wa6a3/joke_said_by_my_little_sister/
%
What costs you more the less you spend on it?

A divorce lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wa387/what_costs_you_more_the_less_you_spend_on_it/
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My wife gets kind of bitchy once a month.

It usually lasts about 30 days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wa0sh/my_wife_gets_kind_of_bitchy_once_a_month/
%
What do you get when you mix a rat and an elephant?

Who cares? It's a relephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w9x3g/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_rat_and_an_elephant/
%
My wife ran away with my best friend.

I haven't met him yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w9tuh/my_wife_ran_away_with_my_best_friend/
%
A Warrior Cuts off the head of a Hydra formed by fusing 8 mythical beast,

and 2 heads Grows in it place,
he cuts those off and 4 grows,
he cuts those off and 8 grows,
he cuts those off and 16 grows,
he cuts those off and 32 grows,
he cuts those off and 64 grows,
he cuts those off and 128 grows,
he cuts those off and the Hydra Dies because the Hydra was made of 8 bits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w9i8o/a_warrior_cuts_off_the_head_of_a_hydra_formed_by/
%
One Friday, a boy takes a super hot girl to a jewellery shop and buys an expensive necklace.

One Friday, a boy takes a super hot girl to a jewellery shop and picks a diamond necklace worth $100000 for her.
The girl obviously felt awesome. Boy gave a check and said he will collect the necklace on Monday after the check clears.
On Monday the jeweler calls the boy: "There is no money in your a/c, You check has bounced!"
Boy: "I know, but you can't imagine what an awesome weekend I had....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w9ftc/one_friday_a_boy_takes_a_super_hot_girl_to_a/
%
3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar.

A little while later, they walked out...  Because they couldn't find a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w9cwg/3_database_sql_walked_into_a_nosql_bar/
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I once met a girl with 12 nipples...

Sounds funny.
Dozen tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w9bvs/i_once_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
%
What does the weather do when Hitler's around?

It heils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w9a6h/what_does_the_weather_do_when_hitlers_around/
%
A conversation between a father and his son.

Youngest Son: "Dad, what's the difference
between 'hypothetically' and 'reality'?"
The father turns to his wife and asks, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million?"
The wife replies, "Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity."
Then the father asks his daughter, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 Million?"
The daughter says, "Yes, he's my fantasy. "
The father then asks his elder son: " would you sleep with, Tom Cruise for 1 million?"
The elder son replies, "Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money!"
Father turns to his younger son: "You see son, 'Hypothetically' we're sitting with 3 millionaires but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w9a4y/a_conversation_between_a_father_and_his_son/
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So.. I woke my gf up with oral sex this morning

-Oh wicked, what'd she say?
-Thtoph, thtoph!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w97ld/so_i_woke_my_gf_up_with_oral_sex_this_morning/
%
I like dating black girls because......

...I hate meeting dads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w95mf/i_like_dating_black_girls_because/
%
Hillary, Trump, and Cruz walk into a bar

Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and Ted Cruz walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.
Hillary tells the bartender: "Good evening, my man!  Pour me a drink, I'm tired and thirsty from all the campaigning."
Donald Trump then says: "Merry Christmas!  I want a drink too."
He then looks closely at the bartender and says, "You are incredibly ugly.  And bald.  I hate ugly people.  I have always been a very beautiful man.  Because I'm beautiful and a winner and ahead in all the polls by 30 points, I have slept with all the beautiful women in the planet.  Wish your mother had killed you when you were born!"
Everyone is shocked.  But Trump is on a roll.  "When I'm President, I will have all the bald, ugly men and the fat, ugly women deported.  And only the most beautiful people will be allowed to enter the country."
Nobody can believe their ears.  They stand there too shocked to say anything.  Finally a reporter, who was also there, asks Ted Cruz, "Sir, are you shocked by this behavior?"
Ted Cruz says, "Of course.  This is disgusting.  Hillary said 'Good evening' instead of 'Merry Christmas.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w94il/hillary_trump_and_cruz_walk_into_a_bar/
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3 guys walk into a forbidden garden

They start eating from the garden but they get caught.  The forbidden garden tribe leader says they will be sentenced to death unless they can quickly bring 10 of any fruit to them immediately. The first guy comes back with 10 apples and the tribe leader says, "Now put them in your ass without making any noise."  He tries really hard but can't make it so they execute him.  The second guy comes with 10 cranberries and he is told to do the same.  He almost finishes but he starts laughing and they execute him.  As the spirits of the 2 are moving on, the first guy says "Why did you laugh?? you were gonna make it"  The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming with watermelons"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w8yfr/3_guys_walk_into_a_forbidden_garden/
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My downstairs neighbor was yelling and banging on the ceiling until 3 AM

Did that bother you?
Not much.  I was up til about the same time practicing my trumpet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w8vt2/my_downstairs_neighbor_was_yelling_and_banging_on/
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The Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Budweiser. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w8v97/the_baptist_cowboy/
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Did you hear the one with the baby that had AIDS?

Never gets old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w8tzd/did_you_hear_the_one_with_the_baby_that_had_aids/
%
I like my women like I like my flyers.

Passed out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w8p3a/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_flyers/
%
Artie wants to join the Mafia

So Artie goes to the Mafia and asks if he can join. Big Joe, Head Mafia, replies with,"You must kill a man with a sniper with no hesitations." Artie takes a big gulp and says, "I'm on it sir."
He comes back to Big Joe and has proof that he completed his mission. "Good job Artie! Now you must kill a woman any way you want without any hesitations." Artie takes a big gulp and says,"I'm on it sir."
Artie comes back with proof that he killed a woman. "Good job Artie! Now your final task to join the Mafia. You must go kill a man at Tom's grocery store."Artie takes a big gulp and says,"I'm on it sir."
Artie goes to Tom's local grocery store and finds a man he wants to kill. He goes up to his face and says,"Sorry I must do this." Artie fires a round into the man's skull, except no shot went off. Artie and the man stare at each other for a while until Artie decides that he has nothing better to do than to choke the man. An employee at the store watches as Artie kills the man.
Artie runs away but the cashier is just too fast. Again, Artie has nothing better to do than to choke the man. Many people witness this and call the police. Artie tries fleeing but is put in jail.
Big Joe is waiting for a response from Artie until he reads the newspaper. The headline reads,"Artie chokes two for one at local Tom's grocery store."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w8fip/artie_wants_to_join_the_mafia/
%
Did you hear about the guy who had ADD and schizophrenia?

He heard voices, but could never pay attention long enough to them to do anything crazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w8bxe/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_had_add_and/
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I've got washboard abs.

But unfortunately there is a load of laundry sitting on the washboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w8add/ive_got_washboard_abs/
%
I got told at church last Sunday that I should love my neighbour as I love myself.

He wasn't very happy when I tried to wank him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w89qw/i_got_told_at_church_last_sunday_that_i_should/
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If your urine is clear, you're hydrated. If it's yellow, you're dehydrated.

If it's white, you're shaking your dick too much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w85fa/if_your_urine_is_clear_youre_hydrated_if_its/
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I came online to watch porn and start arguements

And I'm typing this with my left hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w82wt/i_came_online_to_watch_porn_and_start_arguements/
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A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

He says, "Uno, dos..." And poof! He disappears without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w80p1/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_audience_he_will/
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LPT: If you've got toddlers at home, and you're going to take them out...

You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w8004/lpt_if_youve_got_toddlers_at_home_and_youre_going/
%
If I got a nickel everytime I said "I don't believe in fairies"

I wouldn't give two shits about fairies dying from it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7zlb/if_i_got_a_nickel_everytime_i_said_i_dont_believe/
%
Did I ever tell you guys about the time I made it with my really hot math teacher?

couldn't really brag about it at the time 'cause I was home schooled...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7yne/did_i_ever_tell_you_guys_about_the_time_i_made_it/
%
World War III

Donald Trump and Marco Rubio are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman,
'Isn't that Trump and Rubio sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor!
What are you guys doing in here?'
Trump says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Rubio says,  'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Rubio turns to Trump and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7xin/world_war_iii/
%
At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.

And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7tct/at_this_time_of_year_theres_nothing_i_love_more/
%
So I was going down on my grandmother the other day..

And her pussy tasted like horse semen. I had to stop myself for a second and think to myself "Is this how she died?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7sa8/so_i_was_going_down_on_my_grandmother_the_other/
%
Are you a general?

Because you make my privates stand at attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7rr7/are_you_a_general/
%
I like my coffee how I like my women.

Without a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7ozl/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
%
What do you like, mom?

Son: Mom why is my cousin named Jasmine?
Mom: Because your aunt likes flowers.
Son: Mom what do you love?
Mom: Dick, stop asking so many questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7ncg/what_do_you_like_mom/
%
Wanna hang together?

ill bring the rope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7n6a/wanna_hang_together/
%
A man in a ballon

A man was stuck in a hot air balloon and realized that he was lost.  He  reduced his height and saw a woman down on a field.
He went further down and yelled at the woman : "Excuse me, Could you help me? I had arranged a meeting with a friend an hour ago, but I have no idea were I am."
The woman on the ground responded:  "You are in a hot air balloon about 30 feet over the sea at  55°41'47'' northerner half and 10°12'47'' western length"
the man  gave her a look and said: "You must be an engineer"
"I am" the woman replied " how did you know?"
"Well, technically everything you said is correct, but I have no idea what I should use this information for and I still have no clue were I am.
The only thing I've gotten out of your help is being even more delayed."
The woman looked at him and said  "You have to be in management then"
"I am, how did you know?"
"It's simple. You don't know where you are or where you're going.  You got up with a load of hot air.  You agreed to a meeting you cannot hold, while  expecting  people under you to solve your problem.
fact is you are still in the same situation as before you met me, but suddenly it's my fault. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7kn4/a_man_in_a_ballon/
%
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow?

Apparently, it's making headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7ihs/did_you_hear_about_the_corduroy_pillow/
%
The student and the teacher.

JACK: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not. "
JACK: "Good, because I haven't done my homework ...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7ib2/the_student_and_the_teacher/
%
why was the 6 month old African baby crying?

It was having a mid life crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7gnu/why_was_the_6_month_old_african_baby_crying/
%
Jimmy leaves for school today!

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"  Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7enj/jimmy_leaves_for_school_today/
%
What's E.T short for?

Because he's got little legs.
But seriously, what does ET stand for?
Because he can't sit down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7eh1/whats_et_short_for/
%
You're so ugly...

your birth certificate is a letter of apology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w7b19/youre_so_ugly/
%
Johnny was called out by his teacher

to use the word contagious in a sentence. Standing up at his desk he paused and finally said, "my Dad was standing at the front window of the house watching my Mom shovel the snow and said ""it'll take that cunt ages to shovel the driveway"".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w6zzz/johnny_was_called_out_by_his_teacher/
%
I just saw my first Porno yesterday....

I couldn't believe how young I looked in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w6zdd/i_just_saw_my_first_porno_yesterday/
%
She told me if I turned off the light I could put it in her butt

I guess I should have let the bulb cool first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w6vqb/she_told_me_if_i_turned_off_the_light_i_could_put/
%
This sub is great for learning new jokes

Repetition is the first law of learning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w6sib/this_sub_is_great_for_learning_new_jokes/
%
Making writing mistakes is in my blood.

Type O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w6o21/making_writing_mistakes_is_in_my_blood/
%
A screwdriver walks into a bar...

The bartender sees it and shouts out, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The screwdriver gets excited and says, "You have a drink named Larry?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w6lhf/a_screwdriver_walks_into_a_bar/
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People try to shame me for masturbating.

But I say "I have every right to be on this bus". And they're like " But you're the driver!" And I say back "Shut up lady I get your kids to school on time every day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w687d/people_try_to_shame_me_for_masturbating/
%
Why did the anorexic cow take great offense when the farmer wished him Merry Christmas?

...because he was a moo-slim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w5tk6/why_did_the_anorexic_cow_take_great_offense_when/
%
Ever heard of the movie Constipation?

It hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w5se0/ever_heard_of_the_movie_constipation/
%
my favourite position is 68

you do me, and i'll owe you one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w5rz6/my_favourite_position_is_68/
%
Drinking Jet Fuel

A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger in San Francisco; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give you a buzz." So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin' buddies can do.
The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But It doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great - NO hangover!
The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says "Hey, how do you feel?" He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says "No - that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often"
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"What??"
"Did you FART yet??"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w5q1b/drinking_jet_fuel/
%
What kind of food can you color with?

A cranberry! ~ Esher (my Grandson) age 5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w5m7n/what_kind_of_food_can_you_color_with/
%
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer:

Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format.
"The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w5lx1/during_a_papal_audience_a_business_man_approached/
%
"Beatles or Stones?" I asked my son.

"Why can't we have something normal for dinner?" He said

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w5lgi/beatles_or_stones_i_asked_my_son/
%
After seeing some of the things posted on /r/Jokes lately, I believe it's time someone finally said something.

Something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w5h0r/after_seeing_some_of_the_things_posted_on_rjokes/
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There is nothing wrong with sex before marriage...

... as long as it doesn't delay the wedding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w5gvp/there_is_nothing_wrong_with_sex_before_marriage/
%
What do you call a terrorist in the North Pole?

An ISISicle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w5fi9/what_do_you_call_a_terrorist_in_the_north_pole/
%
A man rushes into a psychiatrist's office and shouts "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm invisible."

The shrink looks at his appointment schedule and says "I'm sorry, I can't see you right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w5dze/a_man_rushes_into_a_psychiatrists_office_and/
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My password

is the last 9 digits of pi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w5ag2/my_password/
%
My wife and I were talking about our physical relationship.

"I wish you were more of a lion," she said.
"A lion? Why?" I asked.
She said, "They are masculine and aggressive."
"I wish you were more of a mule," I said.
"A mule? Why?" she asked.
I said, "They can't reproduce."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w59uk/my_wife_and_i_were_talking_about_our_physical/
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My husband hits me whenever I tell a joke.

He doesn't strike me as the funny type.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w54qa/my_husband_hits_me_whenever_i_tell_a_joke/
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A man comes home with a sheep under his arm

He walks up to his to his wife and says: "this is the pig I have sex with when you're tired." "That's not a pig" his wives responds. "Hey, I'm not talking to you.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w4q6j/a_man_comes_home_with_a_sheep_under_his_arm/
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What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You're too young to smoke.
Sorry, it's the first joke I ever learned, and I haven't ever seen it posted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w4p8n/what_did_the_big_chimney_say_to_the_little_chimney/
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "you have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w4n1g/a_successful_rancher_died_and_left_everything_to/
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Sermon Joke

A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house." "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!" The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!" "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate." The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w4mbb/sermon_joke/
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What's the difference between the IRS and Jared Fogle?

The IRS waits until you're 18 to fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w4jmp/whats_the_difference_between_the_irs_and_jared/
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OJ's son must have been the murderer....

... because when he went to OJ that night to borrow his car keys, OJ said,  "..go aXe your mother"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w4gl9/ojs_son_must_have_been_the_murderer/
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A grandfather is sitting out on his porch, enjoying a beer...

His young grandson comes out the front door and asks,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
"That depends, can your dick touch your ass?"
"No," the boy replies, embarrassed.
"Well then you're not old enough to have a beer."
The boy goes back inside so the grandfather decides to have a cigar. He lights it and his grandson comes back outside.
"Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
"That depends, can your dick touch your ass?"
"No," the boy replies.
"Well then you're not old enough to have a cigar."
The boy goes back inside and a while later comes out with a fresh plate of cookies. The grandfather asks,
"Hey pal, can I have a cookie?"
"That depends, grandpa. Can your dick touch your ass?"
"As a matter of fact, yes it can."
"Well then go fuck yourself, grandma baked these for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w46wb/a_grandfather_is_sitting_out_on_his_porch/
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Why are fire trucks red?

“Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always “Russian” around, so that’s why fire trucks are red!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w43vh/why_are_fire_trucks_red/
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A monastery is in financial trouble, so it goes into the fish-and-chips business to raise money.

One night a customer knocks on its door. A monk answers. The customer asks, “Are you the fish friar?”
“No,” he replies. “I’m the chip monk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w42k4/a_monastery_is_in_financial_trouble_so_it_goes/
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All lawyers are assholes...

A man walks into a bar, obviously pissed off. He orders a double shot of whiskey, downs it in one gulp, slams his fist down on the bar, and exclaims "GodDAMN it, all lawyers are ASSHOLES!"
The guy next to him stands up, looking ready to fight. "You take that back!"
The first man backs down "Sorry, buddy, I just had a really shitty day. I didn't realize you were a lawyer."
The second guy shouts "I'M NOT! I'M AN ASSHOLE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w4286/all_lawyers_are_assholes/
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Donald Trump Simulator was just released!

It's the prequel to the Fallout series.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3zmk/donald_trump_simulator_was_just_released/
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Christmas these days is a lot like having sex

the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3xc5/christmas_these_days_is_a_lot_like_having_sex/
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A woman was telling Santa what she wanted from christmas...

She said "Santa, this year for Christmas I'd  only like two things. The first a slim body,  and the second a big fat bank account....
"Please don't mix them up like last year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3vhj/a_woman_was_telling_santa_what_she_wanted_from/
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As a Harry Potter fan, I dream of going to Hogwarts.

My friend is a Narnia fan, and he's always wanted to go to Narnia.
My other friend is a Hunger Games fan, but he's good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3u6z/as_a_harry_potter_fan_i_dream_of_going_to_hogwarts/
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"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3sol/mom_dont_freak_out_but_im_in_the_hospital/
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If you were on top of a pile of gay guys...

would you get off?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3skv/if_you_were_on_top_of_a_pile_of_gay_guys/
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Did you hear? Sting has been kidnapped!

The Police don't have a lead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3sa2/did_you_hear_sting_has_been_kidnapped/
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My anniversary is coming up

Friday is my anniversary, I'll have been married for 35 years.  Really it only 5 years, but I count in dog years because my wife is such a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3s0n/my_anniversary_is_coming_up/
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Down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie.

Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a street car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family.
Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentenced to death by the electric chair.
When the day came for his execution, a guard visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the electric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body.
After the switch was thrown back it came as a surprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car.
To no surprise Charlie crashes the street car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the guard. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survived the electricity. Because he didn't die, he was set free, but banned from operating the street cars in Japan.
So Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the guard.
Well, the warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's electricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwhelmed the air. After a minute, the warden ordered the guard to shut off the chair, and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always.
Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie traveled back to New Orleans and met his friend Thibodeaux at a bar. Thibodeaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie: "Everyone has heard about the electric chair incidents and I just gotta ask, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body, was there something you did that made you resistant to it?"
Charlie looks at Thibodeaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
If you're gonna repost, repost worth a damn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3ojy/down_in_new_orleans_there_lived_a_man_named/
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One ply toilet paper.

Get in touch with your inner self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3nup/one_ply_toilet_paper/
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What's Intelligence?

Joe and his buddy Jim are digging a ditch, while their foreman sits on a lawn chair in the shade, drinking lemonade. It's a hot day, and Joe starts wondering why the foreman isn't doing any of the work. "Hey Jim?" he asks. "How come we're down here digging the ditch, and the boss is up there, drinking lemonade in the shade?" "Iunno..." Jim replies, and they go back to digging.
After a while, Joe decides he needs to know. "I'm gonna go ask him." He climbs up out of the ditch and goes over to the foreman. "Hey boss? How come me an' Jim are down there diggin' the ditch, and you're up here drinkin' lemonade?"
The foreman looks at Joe, and says "Well... because I have intelligence, and you don't." Joe scratches his head for a moment, then asks, "What's intelligence?" The foreman considers this, and says "Well, let me give you some." He holds his hand up in front of the trunk of a big oak. "Hit my hand as hard as you can."
Joe shrugs, rears back, and swings. At the last moment, the foreman pulls his hand out of the way, and Joe punches the tree instead. "What'd you do that for?!?" he cries. The foreman smiles. "I just gave you some intelligence."
Joe heads back into the ditch, considering this. After a while, Jim asks him, "So what did he say?" Joe says, slowly, "He says it's because he has a lot of intelligence... and I have a little bit of intelligence... and you don't have any intelligence at all." Jim asks, "What's intelligence?" Joe replies, "I'm not really sure, but he gave me some, and I'm gonna give some to you."
Joe holds his hand up in front of his face. "Hit my hand as hard as you can..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3mk1/whats_intelligence/
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Why did the gay man dress so well?

He didn't spend all that time in the closet for nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3jvr/why_did_the_gay_man_dress_so_well/
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A white guy, Mexican guy, and a black guy are in the 5th grade, who has the biggest dick?

Black guy because he's 18!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3h93/a_white_guy_mexican_guy_and_a_black_guy_are_in/
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What did the Bra say to the Hat?

You go on ahead while i give these two a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3g3e/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
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One day, Johnny overheard his parents fighting....

... Later, he asked “What does ‘bitch’ and ‘bastard’ mean?” They explained that they mean “lady” and “gentleman.”
The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked, “What does ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ mean?” His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.”
At supper the next day, Johnny’s mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled,”fuck!” Johnny asked what that meant, and she said, “It means ‘cut.’”
A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, “Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas — we can’t wait to fuck the turkey!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3f5k/one_day_johnny_overheard_his_parents_fighting/
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Remember the five states of matter

Solid, liquid, gas, plasma, and black lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3ct3/remember_the_five_states_of_matter/
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Why are so many Italian men named Tony?

When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3cfh/why_are_so_many_italian_men_named_tony/
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'NSFW' Why didn't Mrs. Claus ever have kids?

Because Santa always comes down the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3837/nsfw_why_didnt_mrs_claus_ever_have_kids/
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

The horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink.
He entreats the chicken to get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So, he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole, ties some rope around the bumper and pulls the horse to safety.
A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to get help from the farmer. The horse says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab my penis and pull yourself up." The chicken does and pulls himself to safety.
The moral of the story: if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2ztt/a_horse_and_a_chicken_are_playing_in_a_meadow/
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Why did the girls in *Requiem for a Dream* go ass to ass?

They were just trying to make ends meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2tke/why_did_the_girls_in_requiem_for_a_dream_go_ass/
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My dad thought it would be a good idea to show my girlfriend my baby photos.

"You haven't changed at all." she laughed.
"That's enough of the naked ones, please." I told him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2ti0/my_dad_thought_it_would_be_a_good_idea_to_show_my/
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A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.

The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2s7n/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel_and_the_bellhop_asks/
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Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed over by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2qiv/know_what_a_69_is/
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Why did EA cross the road?

The punchline for this joke is 0.99$

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2qgl/why_did_ea_cross_the_road/
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Two Math Professors Are Sitting In A Pub. "Isn't It Disgusting", The First One Complains, "how Little The General Public Knows About Mathematics?

"Well", his colleague replies, "you're perhaps a bit too pessimistic."
"I don't think so", the first one replies. "And anyhow, I have to go to the bathroom."
He goes off, and the other professor decides to use this opportunity to play a prank on his colleague. He makes a sign to the
pretty, blonde waitress to come over.
"When my friend comes back, I'll wave you over to our table, and I'll ask you a question. I would like you to answer: x
to the third over three. Can you do that?"
"Sure." The girl giggles and repeats several times: "x to the third over three, x to the third over three,
x to the third over three..."
When the first professor comes back from the washroom, his colleague says: "I still think, you're way too pessimistic.
I'm sure the waitress knows a lot more about mathematics than you imagine."
He makes her come over and asks her: "Can you tell us what the integral of x squared is?"
She replies: "x to the third over three."
The other professor's mouth drops wide open, and his colleague grins smugly when the waitress adds: "...plus C."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2orm/two_math_professors_are_sitting_in_a_pub_isnt_it/
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What do you get when you watch Cinderella backwards?

You see a woman learn her place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2ju2/what_do_you_get_when_you_watch_cinderella/
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A widow puts out an ad for a man...

She put out an ad for a man that would not beat her, not run away, and could satisfy her sexually. A few days later the doorbell rings. And in the doorway is a man with no arms or legs. He told her he was there to answer her ad, and she asked him why he thought he fit the criteria.
"Well, I have no arms so I will never beat you. I have no legs so I can't run from you."
"How do you suppose that you can satisfy me sexual," she asked with a puzzled face.
"Well, I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2is8/a_widow_puts_out_an_ad_for_a_man/
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An old man just fulfilled his lifelong dream.

It's Friday evening. An old man just fulfilled his lifelong dream and bought a Lamborghini.
Driving it on the highway for the first time, he ignores all the speed limits, and goes ~150 mph. In his side-view mirror he suddenly sees a police car approaching. Thinking "they're not gonna get me", he goes even faster. 160, 170...but then thinks to himself: "Dude, stop it. You're 76, and shouldn't be doing shit like this." He pulls over to the side and stops.
The police officer approaches him and says: "Listen, my shift is over in about 20 minutes, and I'm ready for the weekend. If you give me an excuse I've never heard before, I'll let you go without a speeding ticket."
The old man replies: "About 10 years ago, my wife left me for a police officer. I was worried you wanted to bring her back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2il1/an_old_man_just_fulfilled_his_lifelong_dream/
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Why are Communists bad Java programmers?

They don't like classes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2erw/why_are_communists_bad_java_programmers/
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A boy is looking over a tall cliff...

A young boy is peering down a  high cliff when an old man walks over. The old man says "Hey its dangerous up here, where are your parents?". The boy tearfully replies "my mom just fell off the cliff". The old man horrified asks "Where is your father?". This time the boy falls to his knees and cries "He fell trying to save her". The old man unzips his pants and says "Sorry kid, today just isn't your day".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2dd7/a_boy_is_looking_over_a_tall_cliff/
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A nun sat naked in the bath, when there's a knock at the door.

"Who's there" she asked.
"Only the blind man" came the reply.
"That's ok, you can come in" she said.
Man comes in, takes a good look and says "Wow - smashing tits. Where do you want this blind fitting then?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2cwd/a_nun_sat_naked_in_the_bath_when_theres_a_knock/
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An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem..

...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2987/an_old_couple_went_on_holiday_to_jerusalem/
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What is the favorite Christmas Carol of the Aryan brotherhood?

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w28fm/what_is_the_favorite_christmas_carol_of_the_aryan/
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A blonde is driving her car and...

...she runs over 20 people while driving.
The officer pulls her up and says "Miss', do you know you just ran over 20 people back there?"
She replies:
"I'm sorry officer, what's the limit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w24nx/a_blonde_is_driving_her_car_and/
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In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w2083/in_pokemon_i_never_understood_why_bug_types_were/
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How do gingers make friends?

No seriously, im getting lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w1xwz/how_do_gingers_make_friends/
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What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk.
What do you call that same fly without legs?
A raisin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w1xhk/what_do_you_call_a_fly_without_wings/
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I had my first ever threesome last night...

There was a couple of no-shows but I still had a great time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w1w0y/i_had_my_first_ever_threesome_last_night/
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If you fall, I'll be there.

Love,
The floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w1v7f/if_you_fall_ill_be_there/
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What do you call a skinny, Islamic cow?

A moo-slim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w1v7e/what_do_you_call_a_skinny_islamic_cow/
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Never trust an atom.

They make up everything.
;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w1uda/never_trust_an_atom/
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The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w1td4/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walked_into_a/
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The jokes in this subreddit are so dark

I'm surprised they haven't been shot by the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w1n04/the_jokes_in_this_subreddit_are_so_dark/
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A pastor goes hiking

and as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian."
In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w1l5j/a_pastor_goes_hiking/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He had to work it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w1j7w/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning.

She's still too young to understand what I was doing, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w1ih9/i_walked_in_on_my_daughter_masturbating_this/
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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off.

I asked, "Why?"
She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w1h7j/i_went_to_see_the_nurse_this_morning_for_my/
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A CEO and his assistant go to a hotel.

A CEO and his attractive blonde assistant arrived at the hotel for the night.  The clerk informs them that they overbooked and only have one room left, after a long debate, the CEO says "You know what I am a problem solver, we will just stay in the same room and figure it out".
Once they get in the room the CEO stated that he is a gentleman  and lets his assistant have the bed and he will stay on the couch.  After a few hours the CEO says "Its kinda cold in here" she replies "you know what, we are both away from our partners for the night if you want we can pretend we are married"  The excited CEO says "yea I would love that!"
She then replied "well then get your own damn blanket!" and went back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w1e19/a_ceo_and_his_assistant_go_to_a_hotel/
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[NSFW] Sally learned a new word...

Sally was sitting next to her neighbor, Johnny, on the bus home from school.
"I heard a new word today," she said, "but I don't know what it means."
"What word?" Johnny asked.
"Penis."
"Penis?" Johnny  said. "I don't know what that means either. I'll ask my dad when I get home."
That night, Johnny and his father were watching the game, and Johnny said he had heard a word, but didn't know what it meant.
"Penis?" the father said. "I won't tell you what that is, son. I'll show you." Johnny's dad pulled himself out. "That's a penis, and a damn fine one if I say so myself."
The next morning at the bus stop, Sally asked, "Well, did you find out what a penis is?"
"Yep," Johnny said. He pulled it out, just like his dad, to show her. "That's a penis, and if it were just a few inches shorter, it'd be a damn fine one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w1cye/nsfw_sally_learned_a_new_word/
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Is it true that you can get an STD from public toilets?

Only if you sit down before the last guy has gotten up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w15y2/is_it_true_that_you_can_get_an_std_from_public/
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I recently purchased a teddy bear for £10

And named it Mohammed, then sold it for £20.
My question is.....have I made a Prophet?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w158v/i_recently_purchased_a_teddy_bear_for_10/
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What do you call a fat guy, from New Orleans, that never tells the truth?

A jambo-laya.
Thanks for coming out, I'll be here till Thursday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w10fx/what_do_you_call_a_fat_guy_from_new_orleans_that/
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Winter is coming to South Dakota

It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. Being a practical leader, several days later he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen." "How can you be so sure?" the chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w0xvu/winter_is_coming_to_south_dakota/
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What goes "clip-clop-clip-clop-bang?"

An Amish drive by.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w0vn1/what_goes_clipclopclipclopbang/
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How do you know when it is raining cats and dogs?

There are poodles everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w0oz7/how_do_you_know_when_it_is_raining_cats_and_dogs/
%
Donald Trump is a proof

that internet comments can turn into a human and run for a president

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w0o8p/donald_trump_is_a_proof/
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Blondes Can Do Math Too!

A bunch of blondes got together and decided they had HAD it. They knew they weren't stupid. They were sick and tired that the world kept on making them the butt end of jokes. They decided that they were going to have a convention, raise awareness, and have smart people from all over the world speak to them.
Hundreds of thousands of blondes come to one stadium. The event's first speaker is a mathematician. She gets to the mic and says, "Blondes can do math too! Let's prove it. Can I have a volunteer from the audience come up, please?"
From the front row steps up a bombshell blondie named Jane, and she gets up on stage. The crowd goes wild with cheers.
The mathematician says, "Okay. Simple math question to get us started. Jane, what is two plus two?"
Jane thinks for a second and says, "Uhh. Two?"
The mathematician shakes her head, but, before she can speak, the crowd roars, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Jane steps back up to the mic and says, "Two plus two equals three."
And immediately, the crowd shouts in unison, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The mathematician takes the mic and says, "Jane. This is your last try. What is two plus two?"
Jane walks up and says into the microphone, "Ummm... Four?"
The crowd screams back, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w0mr9/blondes_can_do_math_too/
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What do ISIS and Little Miss Muffet have in common?

They both have Kurds in their way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w0iso/what_do_isis_and_little_miss_muffet_have_in_common/
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Anyone who gives me flowers makes my whole day.

Anyone who gives me anal makes my whole week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w0her/anyone_who_gives_me_flowers_makes_my_whole_day/
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Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!"  Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w0fde/two_boys_are_in_the_woods/
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Homework is like a penis....

its long and hard unless you're asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w0dlc/homework_is_like_a_penis/
%
A magician was performing on a cruise ship

A magician was doing a show for passengers aboard a cruise ship. A part of his act was his pet parrot, who would entertain guests by talking. However, the parrot was being particularly difficult that night.
The magician held up an ordinary cloth, and with a flick of the wrist, it was gone. But as the crowd applauded, the parrot piped up and yelled "IT'S IN HIS SLEEVE!"
Annoyed, the magician placed his hat on a table. He began to wave his arms around, when the parrot yelled "RABBIT UNDER THE TABLE!"
The magician, hoping to get away from the parrot ruining his tricks, pulls out a deck of cards. Before he can even approach the crowd, the parrot yells "EVERY CARD IS THE ACE OF SPADES!"
Furious that his show was ruined, the magician packed up his things and left the parrot behind on stage. That night, there was a horrible storm, and the cruise ship was torn apart. The magician managed to survive, but he was stuck on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea... and as luck would have it, his parrot came flying down and landed next to him.
For hours, neither said anything, they just glared at each other. As the sun finally came up, the bird sighed and looked at the magician.
"Alright, I give up," the parrot said. "What did you do with the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w04zu/a_magician_was_performing_on_a_cruise_ship/
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My friend thinks he is smart.

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w013i/my_friend_thinks_he_is_smart/
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Two blondes were walking in a park

...when one of them said: "Look, a dead bird!" The other one looked up in the sky and asked "where?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vzt1f/two_blondes_were_walking_in_a_park/
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A black guy, a white guy, and an asian guy are speeding

They get pulled over by a cop, who decides to humor them. They won't get a ticket if their penis sizes add up to 20 inches. The black guy's dick is 10 inches, the white guy's is 9 inches, and the asian guy's is 1 inch. As they drive away, the black guy says "you're lucky my dick was 10 inches", the white guy says" you're lucky my dick is 9 inches" and the asian says "you're lucky I had a boner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vzske/a_black_guy_a_white_guy_and_an_asian_guy_are/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.
Well, you can't blame them. They don't make much money, they just keep the tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vzhm8/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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What do you call a kid with no legs, no arms and an eyepatch?

Names.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vzdbb/what_do_you_call_a_kid_with_no_legs_no_arms_and/
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The FBI have a job opening for an extremely undercover position

Over 50000 people apply, and they manage to rattle it down to a final 3. They are then given their final task, they will be put in a room with their wife, and they must kill them, and they give each of them a gun which they tell them to use.
The first man goes in, and they here sobbing, after 5 minutes the man and his wife comes out, the man still in tears, telling them he couldn't do it.
The second man goes in, and once again they hear crying, this time from 2 of them. This time after 30 minutes the man and his wife come out, both distraught that he didn't get this job.
Then the final man walks in, and they hear crying, they hear a lot of banging on the walls and begin to wonder what is going on, but they let him carry on. Finally an hour later the man comes out, without his wife and says "someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to strangle the bitch instead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vzcin/the_fbi_have_a_job_opening_for_an_extremely/
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Harry Potter wakes up in hospital.

"Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor.
"What happened?" asked Harry
"You ran face first into a wall."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vz7yl/harry_potter_wakes_up_in_hospital/
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is it crazy how saying sentences backwards . . .

. . .create backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vz37l/is_it_crazy_how_saying_sentences_backwards/
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My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"

I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vz32v/my_british_friend_asked_me_why_do_you_americans/
%
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead

are walking down an alley at night and they witness a murder. The murderer sees them and starts to chase after them. The 3 women find an old warehouse and inside they find 3 potato sacks on the floor. They each get into a different sack to hide. The murderer comes in, sees the sacks on the floor, and kicks the one with the brunette in it. He hears "woof woof!" and thinks "oh there's just a dog in there" He goes over to the one with the redhead in it and kicks it. He hears "meow meow" and thinks "oh just some cats in this one" Then he kicks the one with the blond in it and hears "potato! potato!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vz074/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead/
%
I've had a rough morning.

I woke up and tripped over my wife's bra; it was a booby trap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vyzzz/ive_had_a_rough_morning/
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Have you heard about the sequel to

the Exorcist ? In the new version, a woman hires the Devil
to get a priest out of her son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vyzs1/have_you_heard_about_the_sequel_to/
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A 3-year-old is watching his mum get changed...

As she drops her knickers, he points at her crotch and asks: "Mum, what is that?!"
Panicking, the mother quips "Oh, that's... that's where god hit me with an axe..."
"Phwoar" Says the boy... "Right in the cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vyzh8/a_3yearold_is_watching_his_mum_get_changed/
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What's the difference between…

What's the difference between a women's track team and a pack of intelligent pygmies?
The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vywhl/whats_the_difference_between/
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A Czech one: God is carrying a bag of dicks...

...when he suddenly trips over a rock and all the dicks fall out. He gets pissed off: "I'm not going to pick them up, Prague's going to be here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vyv68/a_czech_one_god_is_carrying_a_bag_of_dicks/
%
I take offense to this subreddit...

...and use it to keep the animals out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vyv03/i_take_offense_to_this_subreddit/
%
What's big, Scottish, and depressing?

Scotland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vytvk/whats_big_scottish_and_depressing/
%
I saw a radical Muslim today...

He had just landed a kick-flip into a 50-50 grind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vysce/i_saw_a_radical_muslim_today/
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The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid

*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vyk0m/the_teacher_says_to_the_class_who_ever_stands_up/
%
A doctor, a philanthropist, and an engineer are playing a round of golf behind a group of blind golfers.

As they wait for the impaired golfers to painstakingly finish the next hole, the doctor says "What a motivating sight. I'm inspired to start a clinic for visually impaired people in order that they might better pursue their dreams."
The philanthropist nods in agreement and says "That's a worthy cause. I will donate a large sum of money toward this clinic of yours."
The engineer says "Couldn't these guys play at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vyjry/a_doctor_a_philanthropist_and_an_engineer_are/
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What happens when a role playing game has no nudity in it?

Ubisoft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vyjrp/what_happens_when_a_role_playing_game_has_no/
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Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over.
She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vyiex/four_friends_spend_weeks_planning_the_perfect/
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How do you solve world hunger and poverty simultaneously?

By feeding the poor to the hungry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vyic2/how_do_you_solve_world_hunger_and_poverty/
%
Comas make a big difference in a sentence. For example:

Ben is in a hurry
Ben is in a coma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vyi3s/comas_make_a_big_difference_in_a_sentence_for/
%
My dishwasher broke down and stopped working

So I remarried

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vyd5d/my_dishwasher_broke_down_and_stopped_working/
%
By the year 2020, the word "Silly" will be considered Harmful.

It will be replaced by "Seriously Challenged."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vycj6/by_the_year_2020_the_word_silly_will_be/
%
The reason Santa is so Jolly?

Is it because he knows where all the BAD girls live?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vybh2/the_reason_santa_is_so_jolly/
%
What do Spiderman and I have in common?

We both end up with sticky hands after using the web.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vybef/what_do_spiderman_and_i_have_in_common/
%
When I was young I had a fairy God mother.

She said I could have one wish, either a long memory or a long penis.
I can't remember what I asked for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vyara/when_i_was_young_i_had_a_fairy_god_mother/
%
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Okay, okay. I was at a friend's house watching movies." The father asks, "What movie did you watch?" The son replies, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Okay, okay. We were watching porn." The father says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vy9z6/a_father_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps/
%
He's making a list, he's checking it twice.

He's gonna find out who's Muslim or nice.
Donald Trump is coming to town ! 🎶

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vy8xb/hes_making_a_list_hes_checking_it_twice/
%
I remember as a child, lying awake at night on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa to come...

...then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vy7zh/i_remember_as_a_child_lying_awake_at_night_on/
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What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God?

Eggnog-stic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vy7h6/what_do_you_call_someone_who_loves_christmas_but/
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This past Christmas I told my wife that all I wanted for Christmas was an Xbox.

That's it. Beginning and end of the list; Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of our wedding. That was fine, because I got her an Xbox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vy5xe/this_past_christmas_i_told_my_wife_that_all_i/
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A salesman calls to a house

and a young looking boy opens the door drinking a scotch and smoking a cigar. He hears the sound of an adult movie running on full blast in the backround.
The salesman asks, "How old are you son?"
The boy replies "I just turned 10"
The baffled salesman then asks "Are your parents home?"
The kid ashes his cigar, takes a sip of his drink and calmly replies, "Well what the fuck do *you* think?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vy0nx/a_salesman_calls_to_a_house/
%
I was gonna make a sodium joke but...

Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vy0bv/i_was_gonna_make_a_sodium_joke_but/
%
They say anal sex is like your first car...

you might not like it but your dad will give it to you anyway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vy03i/they_say_anal_sex_is_like_your_first_car/
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why cant you hear a pterodactyl go pee?

Dinosaurs are extinct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vxyy8/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_pee/
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The local United Way office never got a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The local United Way office realized it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
A fundraiser called him up and said, "Sir, our research shows that you have an income of over $600,000, but you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to your community?"
The lawyer replied, "Did your research show that my mother is dying form a long illness and her medical bills are several times her income?"
The volunteer said, "No sir, I apologize, we didn't realize..."
The lawyer continued: "And that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The caller was about to apologize further, but the lawyer continued: "And my sister's husband was killed in a car accident, leaving her penniless, with three children!?"
The United Way rep was aghast and just said, "I'm so sorry."
The lawyer continued: "And I don't give any money to them. So why should I give any to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vxyws/the_local_united_way_office_never_got_a_donation/
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Al the farmer was stuck on his crossword puzzle and asking everyone for help. . .

"What's a three letter word that means low?" he asked his wife. She suggested dim but that didn't fit. Then he asked his son who suggested dim too, and so Al grew even more frustrated, but it was time to milk the cows. While out there he decided to ask his favorite cow Margaret the same question:
"Margaret, what's a three letter word that means low?"
"Moo" came the reply
"That's it!" he exclaimed, as he jumped up to run back towards the house to grab the newspaper.
As he left, Margaret shouted after him: "You really are an idiot Al - you own the only talking cow in the world and all you do is get my help on your fucking crosswords"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vxygy/al_the_farmer_was_stuck_on_his_crossword_puzzle/
%
Three thieves enter a warehouse full of crates...

Three thieves enter a warehouse full of crates, just as they were being chased by policemen who chanced upon them breaking into a jewelry shop. Now, the warehouse was for various farm produce, and sounds of farm animals still alive in the crates could be heard from some of them.
The first of the three thieves hurriedly instructed the other two to look for an empty crate and hide inside. And they did just that.
The police have entered the warehouse as well, and while they went about searching the place, they saw some movement on one of the crates. So the officers approached it.
One of the officers said, "What does it say on the label?" The other officer said, "It says chicken."
The first thief, having hidden in that exact same crate and not wanting to be found out, said, "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" The officers nodded to each other: it was chicken, alright.
They next saw some movement on another crate, and approached it. The first officer said, "What does it say on the label?" The other officer responded, "It says pig."
The second thief was hiding in that same crate, so he said, "Oink! Oink! Oink!" The two officers nodded to each other: it was pig alright.
The third thief was very nervous, and he shifted about in his crate, causing the police officers to notice the movement. Again, the first officer asked, "What does it say on the label?" The second officer replied, "It says tomato."
Not wanting to be found out, the third thief said, "I'm a tomato! I'm a tomato!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vxwj2/three_thieves_enter_a_warehouse_full_of_crates/
%
What's the most messed up trap for Santa?

A Nicolas Cage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vxw3v/whats_the_most_messed_up_trap_for_santa/
%
The CIA the FBI and the KGB hold a competition

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vxrcs/the_cia_the_fbi_and_the_kgb_hold_a_competition/
%
What is a chinese homosexual videogamer called?

Gay Ming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vxr97/what_is_a_chinese_homosexual_videogamer_called/
%
A french guy, an italian guy and an amarican on a plane.....

Among others, there are three guys on a plane. One is french, the other is italian and the third one is american.
The american says: "I bet I can guess where we are without looking outside, just by extend my arm out of the window". The other two go "Well, lets see". So he puts his arm outside the window and sais "we just passed New York". "How do you know?" "Because I touched the Liberty Statue".
The French guy says "I can do this too", stretches out his arm and says "We are in Paris, I just touched the Eiffel Tower".
The italian, unimpressed, puts his left arm outside, gets it back in in a second and says "Well, we are in Naples" The other two are surprised "How do you know? What did you touch?"
And he answers: "Nothing, my watch was just stolen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vxqbe/a_french_guy_an_italian_guy_and_an_amarican_on_a/
%
How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vxo01/how_can_you_tell_if_a_blonde_is_having_a_bad_day/
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A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime.

On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the eagle. I figured that since I killed the eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well, your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe kind of between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vxlqf/a_guy_is_caught_by_a_ranger_eating_a_bald_eagle/
%
Apparently, women in muslim countries can't drive.

They can't do it here either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vxenc/apparently_women_in_muslim_countries_cant_drive/
%
2 is the only even prime number.

It's kind of odd, isn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vxc6e/2_is_the_only_even_prime_number/
%
I was in sex education class ..

...when the teacher pointed at the diagram and asked, "What is this called?"
I put my hand up and answered, "That's a pussy, Miss Stevens."
She rolled her eyes, and replied, "Give me a medical term, please."
"Oh, sorry," I replied. "That's a pussy, Doctor Stevens."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vx9k3/i_was_in_sex_education_class/
%
I don't think we should be to worried if Trump gets elected

Politicians never keep their word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vx60z/i_dont_think_we_should_be_to_worried_if_trump/
%
After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly....

.... According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.
Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.
"Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?
"And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?
"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air, "there's that blow job I was promising you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vx5df/after_several_years_of_marriage_debbies_husband/
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Three pregnant women were knitting tops for their soon-to-be born.

One posh one says "I'm taking vitamin A, as I want my baby to have strong bones and teeth". The other posh one says "I'm taking vitamin C, as I want my baby to have a good constitution and good heart". The chavvy one says "I'm taking Thalidomide cos I can't knit arms".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vx4oy/three_pregnant_women_were_knitting_tops_for_their/
%
Mrs. Blum's husband has lost interest in her sexually,.....

...so she goes to the local lingerie boutique and buys some crotchless
panties.  That night, when her husband comes home from work,
she yells down from the bedroom, "Honey, come upstairs...
I have a surprise for you."  When he opens the bedroom door,
she's lying on the bed wearing just a bra and the panties.
She spreads her legs and says, "See anything you want?" He says,
"Why would I want THAT?  Look what it did to your underwear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vx428/mrs_blums_husband_has_lost_interest_in_her/
%
Islam is a religion of piece.

There's a piece of you over there, a piece over there, another over there..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vx411/islam_is_a_religion_of_piece/
%
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vx2jc/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How did the farmer find his daughter?

He Tractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vwxn9/how_did_the_farmer_find_his_daughter/
%
Three blondes are walking through a forest

...when they spot tracks on the ground. The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vwu15/three_blondes_are_walking_through_a_forest/
%
A Chemistry major explains hell to his professor..

Question in the exam paper :
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than any one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Anabella during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct; leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Anabella kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
He got an A+.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vwqd7/a_chemistry_major_explains_hell_to_his_professor/
%
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vwn0y/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
%
My new thai girlfriend told me that a small penis shouldnt be a problem in a loving relationship...

I still wish she didnt have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vwf8a/my_new_thai_girlfriend_told_me_that_a_small_penis/
%
War is God's way of teaching

Americans geography.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vwcx6/war_is_gods_way_of_teaching/
%
The problem with telling lawyer jokes is

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vw9qk/the_problem_with_telling_lawyer_jokes_is/
%
How does the Moon get its haircut?

Eclipse it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vw5ie/how_does_the_moon_get_its_haircut/
%
I just submitted my application to be on the next season of Survivor...

Which apparently was not the answer my dad was looking for when he asked "How is the job search going?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vw2rd/i_just_submitted_my_application_to_be_on_the_next/
%
Dear Board of Education...

So are we.
- Sincerely, the students

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vw1bz/dear_board_of_education/
%
How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vw0e5/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
I farted in a room of hipsters...

and I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vvtw7/i_farted_in_a_room_of_hipsters/
%
Blonde finally wins

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game.
The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question:
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer.
He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vvqt1/blonde_finally_wins/
%
How do pirates agree with each other over long distances?

With their aye-phones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vvqdi/how_do_pirates_agree_with_each_other_over_long/
%
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vvpt6/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
%
A nun was having a bath...

A nun was having a bath when suddenly she heard a knock on the door.
"Who is it" she shouted.
"It's the blind man" a voice replied.
She thought for a moment but soon said "Oh all right come in"
The man opened the door.
"Nice tits! Now where will I hang the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vvoxf/a_nun_was_having_a_bath/
%
Three helium atoms walk into a bar

HeHeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vvncj/three_helium_atoms_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A man and his grandson go fishing.

The grandfather pulls out a cigarette, lights it, and starts smoking. The grandson asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette?"
To which the grandfather replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
The grandson says no, and the grandfather says, "Then you aren't a man."
The next day they are fishing again, and the grandfather opens a can of beer. The grandson says, "I know you wouldn't let me have a cigarette, but will you let me have a beer?"
The grandfather replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
The grandson says no, and the grandfather replies once again with, "Then you aren't a man."
The next day they are out fishing, the grandson pulls out a plate of brownies his grandmother had baked him before he left. The grandfather asks, "Those look like some good brownies, what do you say you give me one?"
The grandson replies with, "Can you dick touch your asshole?"
The grandfather says, "Why of course it can."
Then the  grandson then replies, "Then go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vvm5h/a_man_and_his_grandson_go_fishing/
%
Today I masturbated 8 times! A personal record for me...

In my defence Schindler's list was a long film

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vvh80/today_i_masturbated_8_times_a_personal_record_for/
%
Why do blck men cry when they make love to white women?

Mace...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vvfpo/why_do_blck_men_cry_when_they_make_love_to_white/
%
Where do Muslims go when they die?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vvfj5/where_do_muslims_go_when_they_die/
%
Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites?

New Jersey picked first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vvcsn/why_did_new_york_get_all_the_lawyers_and_new/
%
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.

She said, "You can't do this to me!"
I said, "I know... that's why I'm doing it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vvcbo/i_was_fucking_my_secretary_up_the_arse_when_my/
%
78% of black men like sex in the shower

The other 22% haven't been to prison yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vvbho/78_of_black_men_like_sex_in_the_shower/
%
Why are they called jokes?

Because calling them republican presidential candidates would make me cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vva6t/why_are_they_called_jokes/
%
Finding out a gay guy has a crush on you is like finding 1,000,000 pesos.

You'll think "Well, I can't do much with this right now, but if I ever cross that line I'll be just fine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vv86k/finding_out_a_gay_guy_has_a_crush_on_you_is_like/
%
A girl asked her boyfriend what the Kamasutra was...

He replied "Let me put it this way"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vv847/a_girl_asked_her_boyfriend_what_the_kamasutra_was/
%
The Tale of 2 Statues

There are 2 famous statues that reside in a park.  These 2 stand facing each other with a path running between them.  The artist who created them did so with such love for one another that even angels began to take notice.  One day an angel came down from heaven and brought the statues to life.
The angel said "I could feel your emotions from the heavens and I knew I must let you act out your desires.  For the next hour you will be free to express yourselves to the fullest extent"
Looking at each other the statues take off to the woods. After a few minutes the statues return to the angel. To which the angel responds "you still have many minutes young lovers, go on fulfill all of your desires."
The statues look at each other and one exclaims "Okay, this time you hold the pigeon while I shit on its head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vv5tt/the_tale_of_2_statues/
%
"It's too cold in Jamaica, I won't have any fun."

"Not with that latitude!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vv3y4/its_too_cold_in_jamaica_i_wont_have_any_fun/
%
If you had to describe your sex life with a famous historical quote

Mine would be 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' - Bill Clinton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vv1bi/if_you_had_to_describe_your_sex_life_with_a/
%
What does a drunk police officer do?

Protect and swerve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vv050/what_does_a_drunk_police_officer_do/
%
A man is having terrible headaches

So a man is having terrible headaches.  These have been going on for years –and they just keep getting worse.  When the headaches strike the poor man can’t work, he can’t sleep, he can’t bare light or sounds or even touch.  The poor guy sees doctor after doctor and tries every therapy from yoga to prescription pain killers . . . nothing helps.
Finally the man hears of special clinic in Switzerland.  He makes an appointment, flies to Switzerland, sees the doctor and gets examined up and down . . . they touch him, poke him, scan him . . . . they give him reflex tests and gagging tests and neurological tests and tests he has no idea what the purpose is.  Finally, the doctor comes to him and says, “We have good news and bad news.”  The man, thinking he must have a brain tumor or cancer responds, “Just tell me doc, what’s the bad news?  How long do I got?”
“No, you don’t understand,” the doctor says, “we can cure your headaches.”  “You can!” the man exclaims, “that’s the best news in the world!!”  But the doctor goes on, “to cure you, we need to castrate you.”
The patient reflexively covers his genitals and says that he has to think about this.  He flies home, but it is no use.  The headaches are worse than ever.  He can’t eat, he can’t sleep – he can’t have sex.  Finally he calls the clinic and arranges for the procedure.
The operation is a success.  The man recuperates in Switzerland for a few weeks and prepares to go home.  On his last day in the country he wanders into a small tailor shop and orders a custom suite to celebrate his new, pain free life.  The tailor, an old Jewish guy measures his waist and chest, his arms and neck and wrists, his inseam and his outseam, everything . . . finally, after all the measurements, the tailor asks, a little delicately, “Which way do you hang?”  “What?” the man asks, “What do you mean?”
“Your testicles – do you let then hang on the left or the right?”
“Oh, I had them surgically removed.”
“I’m sorry, but before that, how did your tailor do your suites?”
“One on either side,” the man replied.
“Really!” Exclaimed the tailor, “You must have had terrible headaches”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vv003/a_man_is_having_terrible_headaches/
%
TIL that Martin Luther King Jr got a C in public speaking

Look where it got him.
Murdered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vuyq6/til_that_martin_luther_king_jr_got_a_c_in_public/
%
I met a Japanese mathematician yesterday

Japanese Mathematician: "Acknowledge my presence, zero"
Me: "Can you elaborate in mathematical terms?"
Japanese Mathematician: "Notice me sin(pi)"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vuwsz/i_met_a_japanese_mathematician_yesterday/
%
Comic Sans Serif walks into a bar....

... the bartender says: "Get out! We don't serve your type here! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vut3m/comic_sans_serif_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why should you never date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vurms/why_should_you_never_date_a_tennis_player/
%
Mark Ruffalo Went into a Job Interview

The interviewer asked "What's your strong suit?"
"Oh, you know, the Hulk costume."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vuppt/mark_ruffalo_went_into_a_job_interview/
%
A peddler came in to work the other day and started talking to my manager

He tells the manager: "I've been going around businesses and doing trust building exercises to help build staff morale."
The manager said to him: "Ok what you got?"
Peddler: "Well we've got the classic trust fall."
Manager: "No, no, that's way too overdone. Got anything else?"
Peddler: "Well we have been experimenting with having everyone at the office do a bukkake."
The manager is shocked and blurts out "Now how the hell is a bukkake going to help build companionship?!?"
Peddler says to him "Well the places we have tried it at, everyone comes together."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vukg2/a_peddler_came_in_to_work_the_other_day_and/
%
What do you call a dwarf tattoo artist?

An Inkling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vug7m/what_do_you_call_a_dwarf_tattoo_artist/
%
Two priests are driving when then get pulled over...

Two priests are driving when then get pulled over.
The police officer walks up to the driver, he rolls down the window.
"Oh, I'm sorry to bother you fathers, we just happen to be looking for a couple of pedophiles" said the cop.
The priests look at each other, nod then the driver says to the cop "alright, we'll do it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vubex/two_priests_are_driving_when_then_get_pulled_over/
%
I was playing a game of solitaire, but I only had a pack of Tarot cards

I actually won, but 4 people died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vu7u7/i_was_playing_a_game_of_solitaire_but_i_only_had/
%
Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vu6sz/why_are_jewish_men_circumcised/
%
Einstein made a theory about space,

And it was about time, too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vu38h/einstein_made_a_theory_about_space/
%
I would tell you an Ebola joke...

But you probably won't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vu1uu/i_would_tell_you_an_ebola_joke/
%
Boy to his Girlfriend: Can you tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time....

Girl: You have the largest penis among your friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vtyuc/boy_to_his_girlfriend_can_you_tell_me_something/
%
Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."
The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest  submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."
The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approaching the beach. A soldier jumps out raising his arm straight in the sky, yelling:"Hail Hitler we need Diesel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vtx2k/few_days_ago_an_us_marine_and_a_russian_general/
%
"Would you like to partake in resistance training?"

"No."
"That's what I like to hear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vtwkf/would_you_like_to_partake_in_resistance_training/
%
What do you call a negative horse?

A neigh-sayer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vtu9s/what_do_you_call_a_negative_horse/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vtr9d/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner

All it was doing was gathering dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vtn65/i_recently_decided_to_sell_my_vacuum_cleaner/
%
Son asked - Daddy,what is the difference between potential and reality?

One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?
Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife
Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room
Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:
- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.
Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
- You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vtj2n/son_asked_daddywhat_is_the_difference_between/
%
After working retail I've discovered that there are two types of people in the world

Those who can read signs, and customers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vtiqh/after_working_retail_ive_discovered_that_there/
%
Which country is next to USA?

USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vta75/which_country_is_next_to_usa/
%
"Have you been for a check-up recently?" asked my dentist.

"No. No I haven't," I answered.
"I can tell," he replied.
"Are my teeth bad?" I chuckled.
He said, "No, but I saw the wad of cash in your wallet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vt8mg/have_you_been_for_a_checkup_recently_asked_my/
%
I learned 10 jokes about clickbait today. But I won't tell them.

You wouldn't belive number 7 anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vt7ys/i_learned_10_jokes_about_clickbait_today_but_i/
%
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door

bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vt3v1/paddy_rings_his_new_girlfriends_door/
%
I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying

"I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma" because Emma was lying beside me in bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vt1wv/i_knew_my_girlfriend_was_cheating_on_me_when_she/
%
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?

What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home?
WHERE ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN?
Saddest joke ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vt170/what_did_ets_mother_say_to_him_when_he_got_home/
%
Bacon, Eggs, and Toast walk into a bar. . .

The bartender yells, "Get the hell out of here! We don't serve breakfast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vszrg/bacon_eggs_and_toast_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long.

That's OK.  I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vstwe/i_was_going_to_tell_you_a_joke_about_my_penis_but/
%
Queen of England

Obama was talking to the queen of England and he asked her how she runs her country so well. The queen replies quite simply that she chooses the best people to run it. Obama considers this for a moment and then asks, "how do you ensure that they are the best people for the job?" The queen answers that she quizzes them, and as an example she calls in Tony Blair. She asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" Tony replies "well of course, it's me". Obama thinks this is smart so he repeats the question to Joe Biden. Biden runs around Washington all day trying to find an answer but no one can figure it out. Finally he comes to the Attorney General and asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" The general replies "of course, it's me". So Biden goes back to Obama and says "it's general so and so", Obama replies, "no you idiot, it's Tony Blair"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vste1/queen_of_england/
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"I looked up into the sky and matched each star with a reason why I love you."

"That's so sweet."
"Not particularly. It was daytime."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vstbc/i_looked_up_into_the_sky_and_matched_each_star/
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So a guy asked a girl in a library

A guy asked a girl in a library: Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice: I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU! All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right? The guy responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears: I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vssi4/so_a_guy_asked_a_girl_in_a_library/
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Do you know what's black and doesn't work?

Decaf Coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vsoma/do_you_know_whats_black_and_doesnt_work/
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What do you call a made-up orange?

Pulp Fiction!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vso8u/what_do_you_call_a_madeup_orange/
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Winter- Pros: Chestnuts roasting.

Cons: Deez nuts freezing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vsjn1/winter_pros_chestnuts_roasting/
%
A neutron walks into a bar

and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vsi7f/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
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We everyone, I wish a of you ovey people a happy christmas, ive ife to the fu est, and make merry with a your fami ies.

crap sorry, noel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vsh58/we_everyone_i_wish_a_of_you_ovey_people_a_happy/
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When is a door not a door?

When it's a jar.
(Doctor Who knew how to pun in the 60's)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vsfnk/when_is_a_door_not_a_door/
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Dad: Say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*tch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vsfm2/dad_say_daddy/
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Why did the retired police officer decide to become a DJ?

So he could still get to say "Put your hands in the air."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vscx1/why_did_the_retired_police_officer_decide_to/
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A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...

Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one condom."
The cashier lady is outraged.  "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vscgv/a_guy_rushes_into_a_pharmacy_run_by_prudes/
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A fat redneck went to a doctor to check on his heart condition.

The doctor advised him to stop eating meat with high fat contents, while low fat meat are still OK to eat. The redneck was confused which are which, so the doctor gave simple explanation; "You may only eat animal which swims in the water, like fishes for example."
A week later, the doctor went to the redneck house to check on him. The doctor found him around a pool in the back of his trailer. The doctor asked "What are you doing here?". Redneck answered "Oh hi mister doctor, I'm just teachin ma cow to swim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vs3fn/a_fat_redneck_went_to_a_doctor_to_check_on_his/
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What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid?

Would you like to buy some candy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vs0ck/what_did_the_jewish_pedophile_say_to_the_kid/
%
How does every racist joke start?

with a look over your shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vs0ah/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
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What’s a Mexicans favorite sport?

Cross-Country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vrzqw/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
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The Barman says, "We don't serve superluminal particles in here."

A tachyon walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vryvm/the_barman_says_we_dont_serve_superluminal/
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Did you hear the one about the perfume store?

I heard their manufacturing was in an ol' factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vrwb8/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_perfume_store/
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Two atoms walk into a bar.

The first one turns to the other and says "I think I've lost an electron!"
The second one goes "Are you sure?"
To which the first one replies "I'm positive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vrt64/two_atoms_walk_into_a_bar/
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Monica Lewinsky's statement on Hillary's run for President

Monica Lewinsky released the following statment on Hillary Clinton's run for President..
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton . The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to the 2016 election year, citizens must remember that they cannot even trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs. The last time she had a meaning full job , she outsourced it to me and I simply blew it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vrqv0/monica_lewinskys_statement_on_hillarys_run_for/
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Bank Loan

A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.  He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything
checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"
The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vrqew/bank_loan/
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Why are sewer covers called manholes?

If they were called womanholes, guys would keep trying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vrmto/why_are_sewer_covers_called_manholes/
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What’s so good about an Ethiopian blow job?

You know that she will definitely swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vrljx/whats_so_good_about_an_ethiopian_blow_job/
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How do you cure aids?

You put it into world leaders.
Note - This is an old joke I've heard when I was a kid, but seeing how Jimmy Carter was cured by a drug that was just released recently, it feels like a sad reality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vrk75/how_do_you_cure_aids/
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What does Paul Atreides do when he wants the last glass of water?

He calls Muad'Dibs on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vrj5c/what_does_paul_atreides_do_when_he_wants_the_last/
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What's the difference between sand and period blood?

You can't gargle sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vrhc8/whats_the_difference_between_sand_and_period_blood/
%
Wanna hear a racist joke?

Donald Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vrh5x/wanna_hear_a_racist_joke/
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Confucius say virginity like giant bubble

One prick, all gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vrfks/confucius_say_virginity_like_giant_bubble/
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A boss looking to hire someone.

But this boss had one funny thing about him, he didn’t have any ears and was very sensitive about it.
First day someone comes for an interview and does great on the exam. Then the boss asks him “do you notice anything funny about me”? After pausing for a second he says “yes, you don’t have any ears”. The boss throws him out.
Next day another guys comes in. He too does great on the exam. The boss asks him if he noticed anything funny about him. He start stuttering and fidgeting trying to get out of the situation. The boss urges him “c’mon tell me what’s funny” finally he tells him “you don’t have ears”. The boss throws him out too.
Third day another guy comes in. He aces the exam and the boss is very excited. Then the boss asks him ” do you notice anything funny about me”? He thinks for a second and then replies “Yes , you wear contact lenses”. Amazed the boss asks him “Wow, how did you know that”? To which he responds “Easy, you don’t have any ears so you can’t wear glasses”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vrcxg/a_boss_looking_to_hire_someone/
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A blonde, brunette, and redhead go to the doctor...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead go to the doctor and find out that they are pregnant so they want to find out the sex of the baby. The brunette says, well I was on the bottom so I'm having a boy. The redhead says I was on top so I'm having a girl.
The Blonde starts crying and says, well I guess I'm having puppies?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vr5sq/a_blonde_brunette_and_redhead_go_to_the_doctor/
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A long time ago in a faraway kingdom the queen was a huge slut.

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.
The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.
"Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole.
"SNAP!", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! "Anything that enters the hole will be sliced off, sire", said the magistrate.
Thoroughly impressed, the King instructed the Queen to wear it for the entire year and left for his expedition. Upon his return, the King called for a meeting of all his country folk.
They were all instructed to drop their pants, and the King made his rounds noticing that many were missing fingers as well as their most vital part.
Then, he saw the quiet knight Sir Xavier, fingers and all still intact.
"Xavier, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But alas, Sir Xavier was speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vr293/a_long_time_ago_in_a_faraway_kingdom_the_queen/
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What's the difference between a boy scout and a jew?

Only one makes it back from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vr0m6/whats_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a_jew/
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What is the most prudent thing to do when someone is having an epileptic seizure in a hot tub?

Throw in your laundry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vqrq1/what_is_the_most_prudent_thing_to_do_when_someone/
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What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

"Dam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vqrk4/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_swam_into_a_wall/
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I hear most Muslims are capitalists...

They're always going on and on about some Great Profit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vqonr/i_hear_most_muslims_are_capitalists/
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What is E.T. short for?

He's got little legs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vqkvr/what_is_et_short_for/
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Hanukkah joke

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.
As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, 'Aaron, what's the matter? You didn't like the other one?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vqkdf/hanukkah_joke/
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Deja Moo:

The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vqgd7/deja_moo/
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I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vqf3v/i_used_to_date_a_girl_with_one_leg_who_worked_at/
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Retiring mailman...

A mailman who had delievered mail to this neighborhood was finally retiring after 30 long years. So on his last day each house had little gifts for him to show him how much they cared, the first house he came to gave him a gift basket full off food, the next house gave him some baked goods and so on.
He finally walks up to a  house and standing in the doorway is this gorgeous, long-haired BLONDE and she is wearing nothing but this little neglegie. She takes the mailman by the hand and leads him upstairs where she gives him the best and the longest sex that he has ever had. Afterwards, she takes him downstrairs and fixes him a wonderful breakfast.
Upon finishing he sees a dollar bill under his water glass and curiosity gets the best of him. "I understand the sex and the breakfast," he says, "But whats the dollar for?"
She explains to him, "Well I was telling my husband that today was your last day and asked him what we should do for you and he said 'Fuck the mailman, give him a dollar.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vqeqp/retiring_mailman/
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Did you hear that Jared Fogle got sentenced to 15 and a half years?

But he was happy with it cause it was under 18.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vq9yy/did_you_hear_that_jared_fogle_got_sentenced_to_15/
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Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fits Michael

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vq6v8/did_you_hear_about_the_two_gay_irishmen/
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Why couldnt the laptop see?

Cause it was SoDIMM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vq4br/why_couldnt_the_laptop_see/
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From my son: What did the hippopotamus do to the magician?

He hippo-tized him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vq38m/from_my_son_what_did_the_hippopotamus_do_to_the/
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Here's a bit of advice for you

Advi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vpywp/heres_a_bit_of_advice_for_you/
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The cruise ship survivors

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...
They buried her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vpw6q/the_cruise_ship_survivors/
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What's the hardest part about a fat nun's job?

Getting into the habit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vptwi/whats_the_hardest_part_about_a_fat_nuns_job/
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An old man stares at a young scene girl with rainbow hair...

The young girl says "Whats the matter old man...never done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man shook his head and said "Got high and fucked a parrot once....was just wondering if you were my daughter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vpo5x/an_old_man_stares_at_a_young_scene_girl_with/
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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they were both stuck-up bitches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vpmvu/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
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This guy was sitting in a job interview...

This guy was sitting in a job interview with a prospective employer. The interviewer asked a range of questions, and was really impressed with this guy's answers.
Finally, he asked "What would you say is your biggest weakness?"
The interviewee responds, "Hmmm I would say that it's got to be honesty. I always tell the truth."
"Well sir, I don't really think that that's considered a weakness."
"I really don't give a fuck what you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vpjlw/this_guy_was_sitting_in_a_job_interview/
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What's the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops at 3 ho's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vphg7/whats_the_difference_between_a_tiger_woods_and/
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Who's in charge of all the liquid measurements?

The liter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vpgtw/whos_in_charge_of_all_the_liquid_measurements/
%
An Employee walks into his Boss's office

An employee walks into his boss's office demanding a raise.  He says, "I'm sorry to do this to you boss but I have several companies after me and I'm going to have to ask you for a raise."
At first his boss was reticent but after some hemming and hawing she finally gave in.  "Well, I can offer you a 10% raise and some incentives."  That was good enough, and the employee went to leave.  As he was walking out the door, however, she called after him, "By the way, which companies were after you?"
He replied, "Oh, you know... the water company, the gas company, the electric company..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vpep4/an_employee_walks_into_his_bosss_office/
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Im not narcissistic.

I'm perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vpdwc/im_not_narcissistic/
%
I FELL IN LOVE

Son: Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this
awesome girl
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
Fatherr: "Oh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to
tell u something son, but you must promise not to
tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later,
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even
hotter!"
Father: "That's great son, Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter,
Father: "Oh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is
also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so
mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love
with six girls but I can't date any of them because
dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My
love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen
to him He isn't your father."
Son Fainted...!!! Mom Rocked :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vp83w/i_fell_in_love/
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Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.

We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-ass neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I have never felt safer and we're saving $49.99 a month!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vp78q/took_down_my_rebel_flag_and_peeled_off_my_nra/
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Animals can sense disasters before they happen.

That's why the neighbors dog barks whenever I make a move on a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vp6ux/animals_can_sense_disasters_before_they_happen/
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A man went to the doctor but was embarrassed when he realised it was a female doctor.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I don't want to show you, you'll laugh" replied the man timidly.
The doctor tried her best to reassure the man. "I've been a doctor for twenty three years, never once have I laughed at a patient. I assure you, whatever the problem is, I will not laugh."
The man reluctantly agreed and dropped his trousers. Once he removed his underwear, the doctor saw his penis was the smallest she'd ever seen. Similar in width to a pencil and not much longer than the eraser on the end of one.
The doctor tried her best not to laugh, but couldn't help letting out a chuckle, which she played off as a cough.
"Okay, now what's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"It's swollen."
The doctor left the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vp4dc/a_man_went_to_the_doctor_but_was_embarrassed_when/
%
Moses and Jesus are standing on the bank of the Red Sea in their retirement

Jesus turns to Moses and says, "Hey Moses, remember when you parted the Red Sea? That must've been amazing to see! So upset I missed it. Do you think you'd be able to do it again?"
Moses blushed, "for you?! Of course!" So he stands up and hobbles over to the water and hit his staff on the ground. And nothing happened. He turns back to Jesus, a little embarassed, "Let me try that one more time.."
He moves closer to the water and clears his throat, hits his staff on the ground, and says "Let my people go!" The water started to ripple and Moses smiled. "Here we go! Third time is the charm!" Hits his staff on the ground and bellows out, "let my people go!!" And the water parted! It only lasted a moment.
Jesus started clapping and gave Moses a pat on the back once he say back down. Moses looked sheepishly to Jesus and said, "remember the time you walked on water? That was so amazing and would love to see it. Would you mind?" And Jesus smiled, "of course I wouldn't!"
Jesus wanders to the waters edge and walks out into the water, sinking. He shook his head and came back out. This time, he pulled up his skirts and got a running start, but just sunk again. He turned to Moses, "third time worked for you!" And he runs out again, but sinks. Drenched, Jesus comes back to Moses and says, "yknow Moses, this was so much easier when I didn't have holes in my feet."
I'll see you all in hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vp0sy/moses_and_jesus_are_standing_on_the_bank_of_the/
%
Holding down the power button until my device turns off feels like strangling someone until they stop breathing.

Except I usually hope my device turns back on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vozp1/holding_down_the_power_button_until_my_device/
%
I used to have a job;

“I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vovhg/i_used_to_have_a_job/
%
What do you call a Mexican whose car has been stolen?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3votwc/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_whose_car_has_been/
%
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3votk1/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
%
How can you tell if an American has a conceal carry permit?

They'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3voon5/how_can_you_tell_if_an_american_has_a_conceal/
%
Where do Jedi go to get inked?

Tattooine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vomnr/where_do_jedi_go_to_get_inked/
%
A chinese , an american, and a belgian sit in a pool.

All of a sudden they hear a ringtone and the american starts talking in the palm of his hand. ''I have a build in telephone chip in my hand, so we Americans don't even need phones anymore!"
A few minutes later they hear another ringtone, only this time it is the Chinese man who starts talking to his wrist. The Belgian feeling a bit ashamed, leaves the pool and after 5 minutes he comes back. The American notices that the Belgian has a piece of toilet paper stuck between his ass and points it out. The Belgian responds:
''Oh, no wait, i just received a fax"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3volag/a_chinese_an_american_and_a_belgian_sit_in_a_pool/
%
I can't listen to orchestral music anymore

Too much sax and violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vojjd/i_cant_listen_to_orchestral_music_anymore/
%
Which number confuses people?

82

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vojap/which_number_confuses_people/
%
So I married way too young...

Oops, she spells it Wei Tu Yung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3voi8p/so_i_married_way_too_young/
%
I told the cashier that her eyebrows were drawn too high

I guess she didn't realize because she seemed pretty surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vohqf/i_told_the_cashier_that_her_eyebrows_were_drawn/
%
Did you know Stalin got hit in the groin with a potato when he was young?

That's how he became a dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vogli/did_you_know_stalin_got_hit_in_the_groin_with_a/
%
My wife and I made a vow to never go to bed angry.

I'm so fucking tired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3voa7j/my_wife_and_i_made_a_vow_to_never_go_to_bed_angry/
%
I would like to be Santa Claus

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vnya5/i_would_like_to_be_santa_claus/
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Two silkworms were in a race.

They ended up in a tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vnuol/two_silkworms_were_in_a_race/
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I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As we know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social functions over the years.
A couple of months ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many, and then topped it off with a margarita.  Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I've never done before:
I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block, but because it was a taxi, they waved me on.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was amazing because I've never driven a taxi before, and I'm not sure where I got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vntv8/i_would_like_to_share_an_experience_with_you/
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Hillary says it's time to have a woman in the Oval Office.

Bill says - been there, done that ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vnnsw/hillary_says_its_time_to_have_a_woman_in_the_oval/
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Oscar Pistorius wants a new bathroom door

His girlfriend is dead against it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vnnnh/oscar_pistorius_wants_a_new_bathroom_door/
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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ?

Disney Movies still touch kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vnn7m/whats_the_difference_between_michael_jackson_and/
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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vnmil/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
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I've started calling my penis "Elbow"

Because it's hard, flexible, and it's rude to have it out on the table during dinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vnll3/ive_started_calling_my_penis_elbow/
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Why'd the band teacher go to jai?

Because he fingered A-minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vnlcg/whyd_the_band_teacher_go_to_jai/
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What is an opinion without 3.14?

An onion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vnkoz/what_is_an_opinion_without_314/
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After my fourth failed relationship, my friend tells me 'keep your head up, these girls come and go, but you'll find someone for you', but deep down i know...

Girls don't just come and go... I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vnj7j/after_my_fourth_failed_relationship_my_friend/
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5 people are in a plane that is about to crash.

The five people are:
-Trump
-Morgan Freeman
-Larry Page
-The Pope
-A schoolboy
There are only 4 parachutes.
Morgan freeman says that he is an entertainer of millions, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute.
Larry Page says that he founded Google, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute.
Trump says that he is the smartest man in America, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute.
There are only two people left, and one parachute. The Pope says "I have lived a long and happy life, you can take the parachute" to the schoolboy.
The schoolboy replies "no, it's OK, we can both go, the smartest man in America took my backpack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vnefy/5_people_are_in_a_plane_that_is_about_to_crash/
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What do you call someone obsessed with France

A ouiaboo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vnbkt/what_do_you_call_someone_obsessed_with_france/
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How do you stop a Mexican tank?

Shoot the people pushing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vn4i9/how_do_you_stop_a_mexican_tank/
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How is anal sex like your first car?

It may not be exactly what you wanted but that doesn't stop your Dad from giving it to you anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vn3ve/how_is_anal_sex_like_your_first_car/
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It's a long one. Stick until the end.

No, it's not a penis joke.
Just to clarify, everyone in this story is, in fact, a moth.
Young Johnny Moth was taking a walk on a bright summer day. His parents constantly made fun of him and he always went up to his room and cried.
So he was taking a walk through the streets and he saw a large sign that said in big letters, "County Fair".
He decides to go in and check it out; he has some money on him.
He walks around for a bit, and then he sees the Shirt Eating Contest.
He thought he might have a good shot at this; shirt eating has always been a hobby of his.
He signs up. It cost 5$. He sits down at a long table with about 10 seats. Each seat has a plate with 5 shirts neatly folded and stacked in front of it.
Everyone sits down and the director yells, "3! 2! 1! Eat!" and he shoots a blank. And Johnny starts eating. And eating. And he's eating. He's eating fast. He's finishing his shirts before everyone else.
He's finished his fifth and last shirt before anyone else has finished their second. He starts running around and eating everyone else's shirts. And he wins!
Johhny takes his prize and leaves. Before he gets far, he gets a tap on the shoulder. It's the director. "You did great back there. What's your name?" he asks
"Uh... my name's Johnny Moth."
"Well, I'd like you to participate in the Regional Shirt Eating Contest this Saturday right here. Are you interested?" he asks Johnny.
"Oh... I suppose," Johnny replies.
"Great! I look forward to seeing you there." And with that, the director leaves.
Johnny goes home and tells his parents what happened. They call him fat and Johnny goes up to his room and cries.
Soon it's time for the contest. He prepares himself and goes to the area. He's the first there, so he decides to take a short walk around.
Then he returns to his seat. Everyone else slowly comes in.
"Attention all contestants! There are two winners of this tournament. The winners are invited to the National Shirt Eating Contest on Thursday. The first two to finish their plate of 10 shirts wins! On your mark, get set, go!" yells the director through a bullhorn, shooting a blank.
And Johnny starts eating. And eating. And he's eating. He's eating fast. He's finishing his shirts before everyone else. He looks around. He's in the lead! He finishes way before everyone else.
He jumps around to everyone else's shirts after the second person wins. He eats a total of 48 shirts. He wins!
Everyone congratulates him and he runs home with his trophy. The Nationals! It's a very big deal, and he's very good at eating shirts.
He tells his parents, they punch him and he goes up to his room and cries.
Thursday comes. His flight to Chicago is early in the morning.
He takes his bags and leaves for Chicago. He checks into his hotel and gets some rest before the big night.
He wakes up and starts exploring the city. While walking, he bumps into a much larger moth than he.
"Hey, watch it punk," says the moth.
"Oh... sorry," replies Johnny, continuing on his way.
"Hey, you're that Johnny Moth kid, right? The shirt guy?" he asks.
"Um... yea," answers Johnny.
"My name is Freddy Mothinson, and I'm gonna kick your butt!"
"Oh..." murmurs Johnny, who continues to walk.
So it's now time for the contest. Everyone goes into the hotel ballroom at the table where 8 people sit in a circle.
"Welcome, champions, to the National Shirt Eating Contest! The two contestants to finish their 5 plates of 4 shirts will be invited to represent North America in the World Shirt Eating Contest. Ready, set, go!" says the director, firing a blank.
And Johnny starts eating. And eating. And he's eating. He's eating fast. He appears to be finishing his shirts before everyone else.
He looks over at Freddy. Freddy is mass consuming the shirts. He's winning by a landslide. He hurries up on his shirts. He gets second place without any fight.
The director congratulates the two on their performance.
"Hey, punk. Don't think you can stand a chance against me at the finals. I'm gonna kick your butt again!"
"Ah..." replies Johnny, who walks to his hotel room to get a good night's sleep.
He returns home the next day, to tell his parents what had happened. His parents fart on him, and he goes up to his room to cry.
He wakes up in the morning to find a letter on his doorstep.
"To: Johnny Moth. From: President Barack O'Motha.
A letter from the president! This was huge.
He opened it and started reading.
"Dear Mr. Moth. I saw your performances in Chicago on the television, and I was amazed at how determined you were eating those shirts. I will be coming to Paris to see you eat shirt in person. We're rooting for you! Barack O'Motha."
He was very excited. Paris was in a week. He booked tickets, and went to sleep. He sleeps a lot.
Six days passed and it's time to go to Paris. He says goodbye to his parents who throw things at him but they miss and Johnny runs while crying.
He gets to the airport, and boards the plane. Luckily for him, he's upgraded to First Class for free!
He takes his new seat, and finds out it is next to a very pretty lady.
"Uh... hello. I'm Johnny Moth. What's your name?" he says with red cheeks.
"I'm Clara. Nice to meet you!" she says, giggling.
They talk and flirt the entire plane ride, and Johnny finally gets the courage to ask her out.
"Um... do you want to have dinner on the Eiffel Tower at 7:30 after my contest?" he asks while his cheeks have all his blood.
"Sure! I can't wait!" she replies with a wink.
The plane lands and Johnny goes to his hotel for a good night's sleep. He wakes up, and it's his big day.
He explores Paris for the day, until it's 6:45. The contest is at 7:00. He hurries over to the park where the event is being held.
He sits down with the 7 others.
"Bonsoir, monsieurs. Today, we are happy to hold the World Finals for Eating Shirt. Of the 8 contestants, only one of you will claim victory. You must eat your 30 shirts before anyone else. 3, 2, 1, go!" says the director, firing a cannon.
Johnny and Freddy look at each other, and then dig in.
And Johnny starts eating. And eating. And he's eating. He's eating fast.
And Freddy starts eating. And eating. And he's eating. He's eating fast. He's finishing his shirts before everyone else.
They're tied, but both ahead of everyone else. Johnny wants to win, he knows that O'Motha and Clara are watching.
But Freddy is pulling ahead. He's ahead 17 shirts to 14. He's eating faster!
And then Johnny thinks of his parents. What will they do if he wins? Nothing. NOTHING! The hatred is flowing through him. He eats vigorously. He's eating a shirt every 3 seconds.
He wins in a landslide.
He celebrates! He dances around, and Freddy slams his plates onto the floor and walks away.
The director congratulates him and the crowd cheers. O'Motha comes up and shakes his hand. He is given his award of 500,000 euros.
He stays for a bit, and checks his watch. 7:24. He runs as fast as he can to the Eiffel Tower. He gets to the top by 7:30, and is out of breath.
But Clara isn't there.
She's probably just a bit late, he thought.
He hangs around for about 10 minutes, but still no Clara.
He decides to look through the telescope to see the City of Love.
He sees a beautiful view. But then he looks into a restaurant. And what does he see?
He sees his lovely Clara having dinner with Freddy Mothinson.
He starts crying. He cries harder than he ever had before.
And boy, have you ever seen a moth bawl.  ^^^^^^sorry^^not^^sorry
wow thanks for the gold

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vn3oq/its_a_long_one_stick_until_the_end/
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What do black people and bikes have in common?

They stop working when you take the chains off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vmzo2/what_do_black_people_and_bikes_have_in_common/
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My gf is one of those people who ruin films by asking silly questions when you're trying to concentrate...

Last night we were watching *Schindler's List* when she leant over and whispered in my ear "why are you fapping?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vmw41/my_gf_is_one_of_those_people_who_ruin_films_by/
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Infinite loop explained

Boss calls his secretary: "Get ready for the weekend, we are going on a business trip."
The secretary calls her husband: "I've to go on a business trip this weekend so take care of yourself"
The husband calls his girlfriend: "Wife is going on a business trip, come home we can have fun"
Girlfriend calls the boy whom she gives tuitions: "No tuitions this weekend"
The boy calls his father: "Dad, at last we can spend a weekend together."
Dad (The boss) calls his secretary: "The business trip is cancelled. I'm going to spend weekend with my son"
Secretary calls husband: "I won't be going"
The husband calls girlfriend: "I am sorry, wife is not going "
Girlfriend calls the boy: "I'm coming, you will have classes"
Boy calls his father: "Sorry Dad, I've classes"
Boss calls his secretary...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vmw2o/infinite_loop_explained/
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Why does NASA drink sprite?

Because they couldn't get 7up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vmw28/why_does_nasa_drink_sprite/
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Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

Every time someone goes to the toilet take 4 shots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vmv33/have_you_heard_about_the_oscar_pistorius_drinking/
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Shredder

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vmrje/shredder/
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What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vmhrx/whats_the_difference_between_anal_and_oral_sex/
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Manyard Begley, a wealthy patent lawyer, had a lovely summer house in rural maine.

Each year, he invited a different friend to spend a week or two with him.
One year, he decided to invite a friend from the Czech Republic. The two friends had an amazing time together, rising early and going hiking in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, they came across two enormous bears-- a male and a female.
Begley, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't as fleet afoot, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and tore into town as fast as he could. He got the local sheriff, who grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the bears were still there.
"He's in that one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male as visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the two bears, and without batting an eye, took careful aim and shot the female.
"What'd ya do that for? I told you my friend was in the other!" exclaimed the Begley.
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "And would you believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vmh05/manyard_begley_a_wealthy_patent_lawyer_had_a/
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What does a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vmgpb/what_does_a_penis_and_a_rubiks_cube_have_in_common/
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Take heed: Do not open this email

There's an email that had begun circulating recently that is offering processed pork, gelatin, and salt in a can. If you get this email, do not open it; it's SPAM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vmdsl/take_heed_do_not_open_this_email/
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What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The Execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vmc0p/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
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Feminist are like sleeper agents

Both have trigger words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vmbmn/feminist_are_like_sleeper_agents/
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

Anything, what's he gonna do about it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vmb18/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.
It is through this entrance that they find a secret passage way, one that is made at first to look like a dead end but is truly a turn in the hallway. They venture around this turn and into a great room.
In this room are torches. A sign just inside the room warns, "He who lights this shall burn to death." (In Egyptian hieroglyphs of course) The first friend takes a torch and lights the end. The Friends venture through the room to another.
In this second room is a small lake, with a small canoe able to seat three. In the canoe is a paddle that reads, "He who uses this shall die a watery death." The second friend takes this paddle and uses it to guide the three of them to the other side of the lake and through a third and final door.
In this last room is a great atrium, filled with heaps upon heaps of golden artifacts and jewels. The three friends rush in and come to a golden sarcophagus. The third friend looks at it and sees that it has the warning "The first man to touch this treasure shall die a most terrible death" written on its exterior. The third friend, giving the message no care, proceeds to pick up as much gold as he can. His friends quickly follow suit.
Many months later, after the friends had returned home with their loot and used it to live lucrative lives, the third friend received troubling news. The first friend had been sleeping when his mansion had caught fire and burned to the ground, killing him. Remembering the warning, he calls the second friend, but they both laugh it off.
A month later, the third friend is watching the news when a breaking story comes on. It is his second friend, who had been out on his yacht. The boat had unexplainably capsized, killing him. The third friend saw this and grew terribly fearful.
Assuming he had a month left before whatever horror would befall him, the third friend sold many of his belongings to afford the most secure underground bunker. He then used his remaining fortune to buy an incredibly high-tech security system, cameras all over, and 30+ armed guards stationed at the entrance.
The third friend spent a month in the bunker.
30 days passed, and the night was falling when the third friend look to the security cameras. Outside of the bunker, at the entrance, was an empty expanse of land, save one object. All the security guards were mysteriously gone, and just in the frame was the silhouette of a sarcophagus. The third friend panicked.
Rushing to the door, he pushed all manners of furniture before it. A fridge, a bookshelf, his bed, a desk. But once he had placed the final barricade, a great pounding game to the door. Looking to security footage, the sarcophagus had begun to float and was using itself as a battering ram. To the third friend's horror, the door began to crack.
With a tremendous boom, the door and all the furniture was blasted away. The third friend screamed, as there in the doorway floated the sarcophagus. He ran through the bunker, stalked by the sarcophagus. The friend jumped into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. There, he sat on the toilet and cried.
**BOOM** The sarcophagus was there, breaking through the bathroom door. The third friend panicked, running to the sink as the sarcophagus inched forward. The friend picked up a bottle of shampoo and through it. The sarcophagus kept coming. He threw a can of shaving cream. The sarcophagus was within 10 feet of him now. He threw a tube of toothpaste. The sarcophagus was within arms length. The friend made one final attempt, he reached into the cabinet, grabbed a plastic bottle, filled with a green liquid, and threw it. The sarcophagus fell to the ground and turned to dust.
The man marveled at this. Looking for the last thing he had thrown, he picked it up and thought, "All I had to do was take some NyQuil and the coffin would stop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vmaxq/three_young_friends_seeking_a_fortune_adventure/
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My son asked me this morning what self-reference meant?

[this should explain it](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vm6mw)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vm6mw/my_son_asked_me_this_morning_what_selfreference/
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I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vm6cv/i_suggested_to_my_wife_that_shed_look_sexier_with/
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I recently sold my vacuum cleaner

all it was doing was gathering dust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vm4vq/i_recently_sold_my_vacuum_cleaner/
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The airport lost my luggage so I took it to court.

I lost my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vm4u7/the_airport_lost_my_luggage_so_i_took_it_to_court/
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2 older couple were having breakfast

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vm37j/2_older_couple_were_having_breakfast/
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People laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian

well nobody is laughing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vm0st/people_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_be_a/
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whats the difference between a gay rooster, a straight rooster and a dyslexic rooster ?

A Straight rooster says Cocka doodle do, a dyslexic rooster says dodoodle a cock and a gay rooster says any cock'll do.
The funny part for me is i used to tell this joke to just about anyone and family members when i was probably about 7 or so, not fully understanding the joke till i was about 12 or something lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vlyvp/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_rooster_a/
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Did you hear about the hearse that got into a head on collision?

Luckily only one person was found dead at the scene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vlyui/did_you_hear_about_the_hearse_that_got_into_a/
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How many Amish guys does it take it satisfy an Amish whore?

Two men-a-night!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vlxwg/how_many_amish_guys_does_it_take_it_satisfy_an/
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Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only cums once a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vlxqn/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
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A man walked into a restaurant and saw another man staring at his bowl of soup...

The man just continued to stare at the soup and not touch it.  Finally the guy walked over and asked him if he planned on eating it or not, to which the man replied, "No... Why, did you want it?"
The man happily obliges and takes the soup, and he starts to eat it.  He gets to the bottom and he sees a dead mouse and he vomits all the soup back into the bowl right up to the rim.  The guy looked at him and said, "That's about as far as i got into before I threw it up too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vltw0/a_man_walked_into_a_restaurant_and_saw_another/
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Who is a Racist and a Homophobe and a Bigot and a Hater and a Sexist pig?

*Anyone* winning an argument with a liberal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vlsk9/who_is_a_racist_and_a_homophobe_and_a_bigot_and_a/
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What sex position produces the ugliest babies?

I don't know, ask your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vlsh9/what_sex_position_produces_the_ugliest_babies/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vlrg2/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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Why do Arabs wear thawbs?

Goats can hear a zipper from a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vlqwc/why_do_arabs_wear_thawbs/
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Mary Mary Quite Contrary How does your garden grow?

I live in a flat you fucking twat so how the fuck should I know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vln2b/mary_mary_quite_contrary_how_does_your_garden_grow/
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What's the best song to send to your father on Father's Day?

*I'm Glad You Came*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vlmys/whats_the_best_song_to_send_to_your_father_on/
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2nd grade teacher asks Nick "Give an example of a compound sentence"

Teacher asks Nick: "Give an example of a long compound sentence."
Nick stands up and says: "My mom gets up early every day, she brushes her hair, does her makeup, puts on her prettiest dress, nicest earrings, her highest heels, and then leaves the house to go to work."
Teacher says "Thank you, Nick. Now does anyone want to give
an example of a *simple* sentence?"
John gets up and says "Nick's mom is a whore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vlme7/2nd_grade_teacher_asks_nick_give_an_example_of_a/
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The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Jim raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Jim, why do you ask that?"
Jim replies, "Well, I definitely pooped my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vlijh/the_preschool_teacher_says_were_going_to_do/
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Bush and Powell are planning World War 3...

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vldx0/bush_and_powell_are_planning_world_war_3/
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I was at the bank earlier and an elderly lady asked me to check her balance for her

I still don't understand why she was mad when I pushed her over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vlctr/i_was_at_the_bank_earlier_and_an_elderly_lady/
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How many magical fairies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, the tricky part is getting them both inside there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vlcb4/how_many_magical_fairies_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?

Phone her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vlaoq/how_do_you_make_your_girlfriend_cry_while_having/
%
A racist, a sexist and a priest walk into a bar.

The bartender says: "Hey Bill, drinking alone tonight?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vl9aq/a_racist_a_sexist_and_a_priest_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why is acne better than a catholic priest?

At least acne waits till a kid is 14 to come on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vl6dx/why_is_acne_better_than_a_catholic_priest/
%
I always felt sorry for homeless gay people

They have no closet to come out of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vl39p/i_always_felt_sorry_for_homeless_gay_people/
%
What kind of computer sings?

A Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vl09b/what_kind_of_computer_sings/
%
Einstein married his cousin Esla

Even his marriage was relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vkvnl/einstein_married_his_cousin_esla/
%
What is the most sensitive part of a man's body while he is masturbating?

His ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vkv0x/what_is_the_most_sensitive_part_of_a_mans_body/
%
What's the difference between my jokes and my penis?

Girls don't laugh at my jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vkp6a/whats_the_difference_between_my_jokes_and_my_penis/
%
My friend David got his id stolen...

We call him Dav now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vkn54/my_friend_david_got_his_id_stolen/
%
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing.
They're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vkmi9/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane...?

What the fuck were they so excited about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vkj9f/those_first_two_guys_who_thought_superman_was_a/
%
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?
"Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vkj4e/a_teacher_gave_her_fifth_grade_class_an_assignment/
%
An old man and his lawyer have a meeting with an IRS agent.

They sit down in his office as the agent pulls out the man's tax records. "it says that the majority of your income is made by gambling, how do you manage that?". The man replies "I'll show you; I will bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eyeball." The agent thinks a minute and then agrees to the bet. The man pops out his glass eye and chomps down on it. The agent is surprised and disappointed.
The man then says "you didn't know I had a fake eye, so I'll give you another chance; double or nothing that I can bite my other eye!". The tax agent thinks that of course he can't have two fake eyes, so he agrees.  The old man pops out his dentures and chomps them down on his other eye.
The agent is distraught, how did he fall for that? Seeing the agent upset the old man has another offer: " tell ya what, double or nothing one more time that I can stand on one end of your desk, piss into the trash can on the other side without getting a drop on the desk." the tax agent looks at his oversized 8 foot long desk and figures there's no way he can do this, so he takes the bet.  The man unzips, gives it a good try, but ends up pissing all over the agent's desk. The tax agent looks up smiling that he finally won, but then sees the lawyer shaking his head in disbelief.  "what's wrong with you" he asked.  The lawyer responds "just before we walked in the door he bet me $10000 that he could piss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vkg1q/an_old_man_and_his_lawyer_have_a_meeting_with_an/
%
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle...

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the eagle. I figured that since I killed the eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well, your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe kind of between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vkf7o/a_guy_is_caught_by_a_ranger_eating_a_bald_eagle/
%
I was walking past a woman...

I was walking past a woman with no arms and no legs on the beach sunbathing the other day. As I walked past she started crying hysterically. So I went over and asked what was wrong. She said with tears streaming down her face "I'm 30 years old and i've never been hugged before". So I kindly picked her up, gave her a hug and put her back on her beach towel. As I go to walk off she starts crying again. "What's wrong now?" I asked. She says "I'm 30 years old and I've never been kissed before". So I knelt down and gave her a kiss. Again as I walked off she started crying. "What now?" I asked again. She said "I'm 30 years old and I've never been fucked before". So I picked her up, threw her in the sea and shouted "well you're fucked now".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vkdsv/i_was_walking_past_a_woman/
%
One day, the human body tries to figure out who the leader is ...

The heart says, "it's me! I circulate the blood!"
The brain says, "no! It's me! I control everything."
The liver says, "no, it's me, because I feed."
The anus says, "no, it's me!"
All the other organs laugh. Then the anus refused to open for seven days. The liver had exploded, the brain was stewed and the heart stopped beating.
The moral of the story is, even an asshole can be a leader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vkcn7/one_day_the_human_body_tries_to_figure_out_who/
%
Why does it take Hillary Clinton so much time to get ready in the morning?

It takes a lot of time to put make-up on both faces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vkbfa/why_does_it_take_hillary_clinton_so_much_time_to/
%
Who is the most popular guy in the nudist colony?

The one that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time.
The most popular woman?
The one that can eat the 12th doughnut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vk9te/who_is_the_most_popular_guy_in_the_nudist_colony/
%
Driving high versus driving drunk: Drunks run stop signs.

Stoners stop and wait for them to turn green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vk7o4/driving_high_versus_driving_drunk_drunks_run_stop/
%
What does a chameleon that can't change color suffer from?

Reptile disfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vk72f/what_does_a_chameleon_that_cant_change_color/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of dog shit in the other. He says to the Barkeep “Give me a coffee.” Waiter says sure, “coming right up.” He gets a tall mug of coffee and drinks it down, picks up the bucket of dog shit, throws it in the air and blasts it with the shotgun. Then he just walks out.
Next day the guy returns. He has his shotgun and another bucket of dog shit. He walks up to the counter and says. ” Give me a coffee.” The Barkeep says, “Whoa, buddy. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about anyway?” Fella gives a shit-eatin’ grin and says, “I’m training for an upper management position. Show up for work, drink coffee, shoot the shit, leave a mess for someone else to clean up, and then disappear for the rest of the day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vk5qo/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What do you tell a girl who won't stop asking for a tampon?

Put a sock in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vk52w/what_do_you_tell_a_girl_who_wont_stop_asking_for/
%
The difference between a prostitute and a politician (NSFW)

When the prostitute is paid to fuck somebody, they get fucked back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vk507/the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
%
Why does your Penis bend?

It follows a pair'o'bollock trajectory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vk44r/why_does_your_penis_bend/
%
What's a Grecian Urn?

About 2 bucks an hour depending on what the current minimum wage is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vk3wk/whats_a_grecian_urn/
%
There was a thief in my local library...

When the police arrived he started booking it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vk3q4/there_was_a_thief_in_my_local_library/
%
I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vk0wo/i_won_the_lottery_for_a_million_dollars_today_so/
%
My girlfriend said she's like a man because she pees in the shower.

I said, you're not a man until you pee in the toilet,
From the shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vk0st/my_girlfriend_said_shes_like_a_man_because_she/
%
Dogs have non-traditional family structures...

because they have four Pa's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vjuv8/dogs_have_nontraditional_family_structures/
%
One.

How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vjsxh/one/
%
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.  Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?  She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vjssj/a_boss_said_to_his_secretary_i_want_to_have_sex/
%
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says,
"Error.  Not long enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vjrnp/a_husband_and_wife_are_trying_to_set_up_a_new/
%
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work

.
Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"  The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."  The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"  The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."  They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."  The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vjqkm/a_housewife_takes_a_lover_during_the_day_while/
%
They say there is safety in numbers

Tell that to 6 million Jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vjp6z/they_say_there_is_safety_in_numbers/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck…

Uppercut his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vjp09/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
What sort of drug does a duck use?

Quack cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vjojr/what_sort_of_drug_does_a_duck_use/
%
My friend told his girlfriend that he wants lots of children

It's pretty messed up how excited she got about dating a pedophile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vjo3l/my_friend_told_his_girlfriend_that_he_wants_lots/
%
Airline Safety

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.
Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, "What was the problem?"
"Well, the pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine", explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vjnf3/airline_safety/
%
What is Trump's favorite book?

50 Shades of Grey: the story of a billionaire dominating and fucking a dumb American.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vjkem/what_is_trumps_favorite_book/
%
A man travels to scotland

He visits a nice little pub by the shore where a local man is sitting alone sobbing. The visitor asks the man why he is so sad.
The man stares intently at the bar and begins to speak "you see this bar here son? I built this bar with me own two hands, and many others like it in town. But do they call me Danny the bar builder? No."
"Come over here by the window laddie" the man says. "Take a look at that wharf by the shore. I built that wharf with me own two hands and many others like it uo and down the shoreline. But do they call me Danny the wharf builder? No."
"....But you fuck one goat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vje66/a_man_travels_to_scotland/
%
I just want to give a shoutout to my legs.

Without them, I wouldn't be where I am today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vjav2/i_just_want_to_give_a_shoutout_to_my_legs/
%
I was watching The Avengers with my grandpa.

He was asking me all sorts of questions about the movie such as "Who's this character?" And "What about that character?".  I explained the heroes as best I could. He finally asks me "Where's Superman?" So I try to explain that too. "Superman's owned by a different company, he's owned by DC, and these heroes in this movie are Marvel characters." He replies "What? The whole world is falling apart in this movie, but Superman can't get out of his contract to help?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vj9p1/i_was_watching_the_avengers_with_my_grandpa/
%
What do you get when you cross a human with a donkey?

Banned from the petting zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vj5wy/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_human_with_a/
%
I bought shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vj268/i_bought_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
Which video game do Mexicans play the most?

Borderlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vj1jp/which_video_game_do_mexicans_play_the_most/
%
Skills shortage in heaven

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs , "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vj0sw/skills_shortage_in_heaven/
%
What did the blind, deaf, mute quadriplegic boy get for Christmas?

Cancer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vj038/what_did_the_blind_deaf_mute_quadriplegic_boy_get/
%
What do you call a modified practice amongst border security workers?

A custom custom custom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3viwi4/what_do_you_call_a_modified_practice_amongst/
%
What's the most useless thing about a knife?

The 'K'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3viumf/whats_the_most_useless_thing_about_a_knife/
%
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

You call him a pilot you fucking racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3visnw/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_flying_a_plane/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3visbg/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
What's the difference between a movie rental machine and several prehistoric towns?

One is Redbox, the others are Bedrocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vimwe/whats_the_difference_between_a_movie_rental/
%
What do you say to someone who is drowning in a pool full of piss?

Urine over your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vikzw/what_do_you_say_to_someone_who_is_drowning_in_a/
%
My girlfriend asked me if I ever take a piss while in the shower.

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.
I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vigtg/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_ever_take_a_piss/
%
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

By walking.
Jk. Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vigrf/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"...

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-Stephen Wright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vie34/i_went_to_a_restaurant_that_serves_breakfast_at/
%
Jesus take the wheel...

Carlos, you take the stereo. I'll take look out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vie05/jesus_take_the_wheel/
%
My first broadway show was about puns.

It was a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vi4ng/my_first_broadway_show_was_about_puns/
%
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

Cause it runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vi40y/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leans over and says to him: "I just had silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?"
He leans over to her and replies:
" Put a new battery in your Hearing Aid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vi3u1/an_elderly_couple_was_attending_church_services/
%
What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con desending..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vi34d/what_do_you_call_a_snobby_criminal_walking_down/
%
Got my gun permit yesterday, then went over to the local gun shop

to get a small
9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and bullets, the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running
amok, I did as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to
how I should place my credit card in the card reader.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhzub/got_my_gun_permit_yesterday_then_went_over_to_the/
%
How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhztk/how_does_nasa_organize_a_party/
%
Why can't midgets run?

The grass tickles their balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhyty/why_cant_midgets_run/
%
A hungover man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink of anything other than Coors Light...

Bartender:  "What's wrong with Coors Light?  It is one of the most popular beers."
Man:  "Nothing wrong with it, but I drank 24 of them last night and I ended up blowing chunks."
Bartender:  "It happens to the best of us, if you drink 24 of any drink you'd probably end up blowing chunks."
Man:  "No, you don't understand... I didn't throw up, Chunks is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhwwo/a_hungover_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the/
%
Sql Query

A Sql query walks up to two tables in a restaurant and asks: "Mind if I join you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhvj3/sql_query/
%
A recent survey says women prefer 4-5 inches over 6 inches and bigger, citing a "better fit" being one of the top reasons

While preference between Android and iOS devices are evenly split.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhu0h/a_recent_survey_says_women_prefer_45_inches_over/
%
Why is six afraid of seven?

Because there's something odd about him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhrr7/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
Do you want to hear a ghost joke?

That's the spirit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhqah/do_you_want_to_hear_a_ghost_joke/
%
A Man is at a Bullfight. He asks for the waiter...

A man is at a bullfight. He asks that the waiter come to his table.
When the waiter arrives, he points to an elderly man who appears to be very happy with a meal, consisting of two round mounds of meat, marveling over every next bite. He asks the waiter "What is that that the gentleman over there is eating?" He replies, "Well, my friend, those are the bulls testicles. If you'd like, I can reserve them for you for the next day." The man obliges and tells the waiter he will be back tomorrow.
He arrives at the restaurant the next day and signals the waiter. The waiter knew he was coming, and prepared to bring his dish to the table. When it arrives, however, the dish is not at all like it was the day before, very small and unappetizing. He says to the waiter, "This isn't at all like what that man was eating yesterday. What's the big idea here?"
The waiter says, "Sometimes, my friend, the bull wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhnzm/a_man_is_at_a_bullfight_he_asks_for_the_waiter/
%
Tommy and Billy decide it is time they start swearing. ..

Ten year old Tommy and his eight year old brother Billy are in their bunk bed when Tommy declares "I think it is time we start swearing"
Billy says "Yeah!"
Tommy says "Tomorrow I'm going to use the word 'bitch'"
Billy says "I'm going to use the word 'fuck'"
They fall asleep happy.
In the morning the boys go downstairs and sit down for breakfast.   Mom cheerfully walks up and asks "Tommy, what would you like for breakfast? "
Tommy says brightly "I'd like some Cheerios bitch"
Mom *SLAPS* him across the face,  knocking him out of his chair and onto the floor crying.  He gets up and runs upstairs to his room.
Mom rounds on little Billy and asks "How about you young man? "
Billy sits looking stunned and finally says...
"I don't know,  but I sure don't want any fucking Cheerios!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhiff/tommy_and_billy_decide_it_is_time_they_start/
%
Why do black guys always have nightmares?

Because we killed the only one with a dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhhlz/why_do_black_guys_always_have_nightmares/
%
What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital?

When you ask the patients "what's the problem?" They'll say "nothing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhh7x/whats_the_hardest_part_about_working_as_a_nurse/
%
What's the difference between a garbage truck and a school bus?

One goes around neighborhoods picking up useless pieces of garbage that nobody wants in their houses anymore..
And the other's a garbage truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhg7r/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbage_truck_and/
%
My sex life is like a Ferrari!

I don't have a Ferrari.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhdbp/my_sex_life_is_like_a_ferrari/
%
My wife divorced me after years of daily penis enlargement surgeries.

She couldn't take it any longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhdb2/my_wife_divorced_me_after_years_of_daily_penis/
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My sex life is a matter of trial and error

In fact, next week I have a trial for one of my errors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhc78/my_sex_life_is_a_matter_of_trial_and_error/
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A woman suffering a very dangerous cancer,

a woman suffering a very dangerous cancer, kept telling everybody she knows that she got HIV/AIDS, when her husband asked her why she's lying about her condition, she told him "So no woman will marry you after I die"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vhb5j/a_woman_suffering_a_very_dangerous_cancer/
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Wrote Santa A letter asking for a baby brother

Wrote Santa a letter asking for a baby brother.
Santa wrote back...
"Send me your mother"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vh9uh/wrote_santa_a_letter_asking_for_a_baby_brother/
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Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me, because it's comfortable...

Who cares if you can see my balls?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vh6ue/men_need_to_stop_staring_and_yelling_at_me_when_i/
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I found the meaning of life!

noun
the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vh6tj/i_found_the_meaning_of_life/
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Two people meet in a nursing home.

A 95 year old man meets a 90 year old lady in a nursing home. They start talking and eventually become close friends. They realize that sex for them probably isn't going to be possible so he asks her if she'll at least stick her hand in his pants and hold it.
So for a few months she'll stick her hand in his pants and hold it for him. They're both happy.
Then one day, she can't find him and she gets a little worried thinking maybe something happened to the old guy. She wanders outside and sees him on a park bench with another woman, and that woman has her hand in his pants! She approaches them and angrily tells him she thought they had something special and asks what the other woman has that she doesn't.
He answers, Parkinson's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vh6qm/two_people_meet_in_a_nursing_home/
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A European missionary goes to an African tribe...

... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.
However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The missionary looks out the window and shows the leader a herd of sheep and says:
" As you can see, all the sheep are white, yet one of them is black... "
In complete distress, the tribeleader exclaims: " Allright, I won't say anything about your child, as long as you don't say anything about the sheep!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vh40e/a_european_missionary_goes_to_an_african_tribe/
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How many cops do you need to change a light bulb?

None. They just shoot the room for being black.
Credit: donator on some stream said the joke and just wanted to share it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vh37v/how_many_cops_do_you_need_to_change_a_light_bulb/
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Comas make a big difference in a sentence.

For example,
Ben is in a hurry.
Ben is in a coma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vh1sy/comas_make_a_big_difference_in_a_sentence/
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How do you get "Dick" from Richard?

You ask him politely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vh1su/how_do_you_get_dick_from_richard/
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Why can't Cinderella play soccer?

Because she keeps running away from the ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vgw5n/why_cant_cinderella_play_soccer/
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A gas station had 2 signs in the window, help wanted and self-service.

I walked in and hired myself.
credit: Steven Wright

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vgreo/a_gas_station_had_2_signs_in_the_window_help/
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. We are efficient, and lack humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vgr22/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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3 couples go on a camping trip...

When the 3 couples get to the camp site they all unpack and one of the couples realizes that they left their tent at home.  So the 3 couples agree that with the 2 tents that the men will sleep in one tent and the women will sleep in the other.  In the middle of the night one of the men wakes up excited and wakes his friend in the  the process.  His friend asks him why he is awake and why he is so worked up.  He says, "I need go to have sex with my wife right now!"  His buddy asks why.  He replies, "Because my penis is longer and harder than it has ever been in my entire life."  His friend thinks for a moment and asks him, "Do you want me to go with you?"  The guy gets a little upset and says, "Why the hell would I want you to come with me??!!"  His friend grins and says, "Because that's my cock you got in your hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vgo5w/3_couples_go_on_a_camping_trip/
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A 50 year old woman decides to give herself a facelift and a boob job...

A 50 year old woman decides to give herself a facelift and a boob job for her birthday. She spends $20,000 and feels pretty good about the results. After her recovery, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, But how old do you think I am?’
‘About 32,’ the clerk replies.
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’
The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 81 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then, can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She looks up and down the street and sees that no one else is in sight and finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay, enough already….How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are exactly 50 years old.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
The old man says, ‘I was behind you at McDonalds.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vgnpp/a_50_year_old_woman_decides_to_give_herself_a/
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What do you call a potato that's reluctant to try new things?

A Hesi-tater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vgmvf/what_do_you_call_a_potato_thats_reluctant_to_try/
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What Do You Call a Rabbit with a Crooked Dick?

Fucks Funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vgirk/what_do_you_call_a_rabbit_with_a_crooked_dick/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"That's not funny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vgdnt/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vg9w1/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would've survived in that situation.

I almost died during finding nemo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vg4ws/when_people_go_underwater_in_movies_i_like_to/
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A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana...

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vg2ev/a_man_owned_a_small_ranch_near_great_falls_montana/
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A priest was ill and unable to take confession...

...so he asked Mother Superior if she could cover for him.
"It's easy," he said. "When someone tells you their sin, just look at the chart on the wall and tell them the right prayers for repentance."
So Mother Superior goes into the confessional, and the first person who entered was a man.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I cheated on my wife of seven years."
Mother Superior looked at the chart, and right under 'adultery' was "5 Our Fathers, 2 Hail Marys." So she tells him, "Perform five Our Fathers and two Hail Marys. Go and sin no more."
The next person was a woman. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole a purse from a store."
Mother Superior looks at the list, and reads what's there. "Perform two Our Fathers and a Hail Mary. Go and sin no more."
At this point Mother Superior is feeling kind of confident.
Another woman entered the confessional. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I gave a man I was unmarried to a blowjob."
Mother Superior checks the list. Blowjob... blowjob... Blowjobs weren't on the list. She tells the woman to wait a minute and leaves the confessional. She finds a passing altar boy and flags him down.
"Boy," she says. "What does the priest give for a blowjob?"
"Oh, he replies. "Usually just a Snickers bar and a pat on the head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vg1vm/a_priest_was_ill_and_unable_to_take_confession/
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A man complaining of pain in his arm

A man is talking to his friend, and he mentions that his arm has been bothering him all week. He told his friend he was planning on making a doctor's appointment for the next day. His friend insists that instead he goes to the pharmacy, for they have a new machine that for $10 and a urine sample, it will give a diagnosis.
So the guy decides to try it out. He goes to the pharmacy and finds the machine. So he inserts his $10 and the urine sample, and after minute or so a paper pops out and says
>>You have tennis elbow. Soak your elbow in warm water for the next two weeks.
The guy believes this machine is a scam, so he decides to perform a little experiment. He went home and made a mixture of water, his dog's urine, his daughter's urine, and to top it off, he added his own semen.
So the next day he went back to the pharmacy, put $10 in the machine and inserted the concoction. Just as the last time, after about a minute a paper pops out that says:
>>Your tap has lead, your dog has worms, your daughter's on drugs, and you're not her biological father.
----
I know this has been posted before (like a couple years ago), but this has a different ending based on the original I heard years ago on an old Comedy Central Joke App.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vg0vg/a_man_complaining_of_pain_in_his_arm/
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Two parents were having sex in the kitchen and their kid heard them from the other room...

Two parents were having sex in the kitchen and their kid heard them from the other room. The curious but innocent child asked, "What were you guys doing in the kitchen last night?" The mother and father looked at each other and responded, "...We were baking a cake, sweetie."
The next weekend the parents had sex on the couch downstairs so the kid wouldn't hear them clanking around again. However, the following morning the kid asked, "Were you two baking a cake on the couch last night?" The mom responded nervously, "Umm no.....why do you ask?" and the daughter said, "Cause I licked all the frosting off the couch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vfy6g/two_parents_were_having_sex_in_the_kitchen_and/
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What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vfy63/what_do_you_call_an_ethiopian_with_a_yeast/
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My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"

Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vfw8n/my_grandpa_said_your_generation_relies_too_much/
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How do you know you're in a redneck family?

When your sister's pussy tastes like your dad's dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vfu9w/how_do_you_know_youre_in_a_redneck_family/
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Have you heard that duct tape can be used as an aphrodisiac?

It turns "NO! NO! NO!" into "MMM! MMM! MMM!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vftm3/have_you_heard_that_duct_tape_can_be_used_as_an/
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I farted in the Apple store and everybody got pissed

It's not my fault they don't have Windows...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vfrqd/i_farted_in_the_apple_store_and_everybody_got/
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Last Christmas I got a sweater,

For this Christmas I want a moaner or a screamer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vfrcd/last_christmas_i_got_a_sweater/
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A Monkey passes away at a zoo, and they have no other Monkey's in the zoo

A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling for help, the Lion approaches him and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vfl7f/a_monkey_passes_away_at_a_zoo_and_they_have_no/
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Marriage brings two people together

to solve issues they never had before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vfjrb/marriage_brings_two_people_together/
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What do you call a bunch of phones having sex?

A 4G.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vfbbk/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_phones_having_sex/
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A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse.

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vf4y0/a_man_saw_a_lady_with_big_breasts_he_asked_excuse/
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My friend entered a poetry related pun contest.

He stanza good chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vf4f2/my_friend_entered_a_poetry_related_pun_contest/
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Where can you find information about raisins that commit adultery?

Currant Affairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vf2cx/where_can_you_find_information_about_raisins_that/
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Why is "Dick" short for Richard?

Genetics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vf21l/why_is_dick_short_for_richard/
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This pig with the wooden leg . . .

A guy visits his friend, who is a farmer, and sees him sitting on the front porch, chewing a strand of wheat and petting a pig with a wooden leg. They get to talking, and the friend asks the farmer about the pig's leg.
'it's the craziest thing', say the farmer. 'There was this fire a few weeks back, in the old barn next to the house. I was lost in the smoke, searching for a way out, when the central support beam collapsed, pinning me down. I was going to die.  BUT SUDDENLY, through the thick haze, I see this pig rushing toward me.  She manages to wedge her body under the beam, and with all her might lifts the load just enough for me to shimmy my body out, and we both run to safety.'
'WOW, that is some incredible story,' says the friend 'but it still doesn't explain the wooden leg.'
--'Well, with a pig like THAT, you don't want to eat it all at once!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vf0jh/this_pig_with_the_wooden_leg/
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A sloth was robbed by 2 turtles

Sloth robbed by 2 turtles. Cop asks if he could describe the assailants. Sloth replies, "It all happened so fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vexxr/a_sloth_was_robbed_by_2_turtles/
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Why do midgets make bad parents?

Cause they struggle to put food on the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vewl3/why_do_midgets_make_bad_parents/
%
Why do feminists hate Apple?

Because they're not PC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vevu2/why_do_feminists_hate_apple/
%
So my neighbor asked me to fix her sink

She's obviously never seen a porno because it's been an hour and I'm still fixing the damn sink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vevtx/so_my_neighbor_asked_me_to_fix_her_sink/
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How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Credit: Nicholas Sparks from his book 'See Me' which I am reading now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vevpc/how_does_a_lawyer_sleep/
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Amazon Asked Me to Write a Review

Amazon asked for feedback on the used telescope I bought from their site.
I was honest with my review: "This telescope sucked. Two Stars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vetqj/amazon_asked_me_to_write_a_review/
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Did you hear about the fight in the bathroom?

Shit went down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vepce/did_you_hear_about_the_fight_in_the_bathroom/
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I like Donald Trump how I like Destiny

Overhyped and without a campaign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vej7b/i_like_donald_trump_how_i_like_destiny/
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So I met this guy from North Korea.

I asked him, "so how was life in North Korea?"
He replied "Can't complain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3veiwq/so_i_met_this_guy_from_north_korea/
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There are two kinds of people:

Those who can count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3veh2o/there_are_two_kinds_of_people/
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Jimmy Answer to his Teacher

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vegx3/jimmy_answer_to_his_teacher/
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What's the ugliest shape?

An eyesoresceles triangle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vedhv/whats_the_ugliest_shape/
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How do you get a clown off a swing?

hit him in the face with an Axe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ve625/how_do_you_get_a_clown_off_a_swing/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef Stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ve57z/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
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Little Piano Player

A man walks into a bar. He looks at the counter and see a tiny man, no more than a foot tall, playing a piano just as small. So the man walks up to the bartender and asks him about the tiny piano player.
The bartender say "I got him from the genie in the mens bathroom"
So the man goes into the bathroom and see a woman inside talking to the genie
"I wish for world peace" she said
Then suddenly the room is flooded with geese. The man walks out of the bathroom and goes back to the bartender.
"I think your genie is a little hard of hearing" he says
"Yeah I know" the bartender replies "Do you really think I would wish for a 12 inch pianist"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vdz0g/little_piano_player/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped.  ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vdwyh/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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You know what a good ice breaker is?

Global Warming...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vdwh6/you_know_what_a_good_ice_breaker_is/
%
How do police know that princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders under the steering wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vdvel/how_do_police_know_that_princess_diana_had/
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Go home ___ You are drunk!

“Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vdu1c/go_home_you_are_drunk/
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I made a new company, selling landmines that look like prayer mats

Prophets are through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vdqh9/i_made_a_new_company_selling_landmines_that_look/
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The cops came to my door to give me a ticket for a dog at large. They say he was chasing a kid on a bike.

I said, "that's not true, my dog can't ride a bike."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vdpbj/the_cops_came_to_my_door_to_give_me_a_ticket_for/
%
I found a bug in Madden 2015

I sacked Tony Romo, and he didn't break his collarbone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vdmhk/i_found_a_bug_in_madden_2015/
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What do a healthy dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vdkww/what_do_a_healthy_dog_and_a_nearsighted/
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Don't do drugs

Without me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vdedf/dont_do_drugs/
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How many ants does it take to own an apartment?

10 . It requires tenants to own an apartment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vdd1r/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_own_an_apartment/
%
Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?

They don't want to wear out the camel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vd9wc/why_dont_they_teach_drivers_ed_and_sex_education/
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So, I was waiting in line for Pho, and my buddy called me asking where I was.

For some reason, he was offended when I said "Pho Queue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vd9n7/so_i_was_waiting_in_line_for_pho_and_my_buddy/
%
What do you call a party with 100 midgets?

A little get together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vd8ig/what_do_you_call_a_party_with_100_midgets/
%
Do you want to hear a ghost joke?

That's the spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vd4ef/do_you_want_to_hear_a_ghost_joke/
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What disease do police give black people?

Glock coma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vd19k/what_disease_do_police_give_black_people/
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A man walks into a bathroom at a bar...

and notices that there's an armless man bouncing and squirming in front of a urinal. He takes the only other urinal, which is right next to this odd armless fellow, and does his best to ignore him. The man pisses and the armless bounces. He finishes his buisness and begins to walk out when curiosity finally get the best of him.
"Are you ok" he asks
The armless man turns to him with a look of obvious distress on his face. "I'm about to piss myself and as you can see I've got a little problem. I'm ridiculously embarrassed to ask, but I would be so grateful if you could help me out here"
"Uhhh..what kind of help" the man asks
"Could you unzip my pants and pull my dick out so I can piss. You can see that I can do it myself and I'd be humiliated if I had to go back in the bar having pissed myself"
The man thinks for a second about how unfortunate this poor guy is. Maybe he's a wounded soldier or a victim of some terrible accident. He's definitely not too excited about touching another mans dick, but figures that the bathroom is empty so no one would probably know anyway.
"Sure" he says and unzips the armless mans pants and pulls out his dick.
The armless man is euphoric at finally getting to piss, but our hero can't help but notice that the guys dick is absolutely disgusting. It's covered in oozing scabs and smells like zombie shit. As the armless man pisses, the man rushes to the sink to wash his hands.
"Wait" says the armless man. "I need you to help me put it back in. I can't walk out of here with my dick out"
The man is stunned. He doesn't want to touch the Worlds Ugliest Dick again, but again he thinks about what could have happened to this poor man and how humiliated he must be to have to ask for a strangers help with this.
"Hurry up" our hero says as he tries to tuck the quasimodo or dicks back into the crippled mans pants. Good deed completed, he rushes to the sink and begins scrubbing his hands as the armless man thanks him and starts to walk out.
"Wait" the man says. "I know this is pretty rude, but I've got to know....what the fuck is wrong with your dick"
The armless man pulls his arms out of his shirt and says "Fuck if I know but I ain't touching it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vcxl8/a_man_walks_into_a_bathroom_at_a_bar/
%
Everyone thought the swordsmith was very persuasive

He made a good point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vcs15/everyone_thought_the_swordsmith_was_very/
%
EAT becomes FAT

If you don't draw the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vcoia/eat_becomes_fat/
%
A husband asked his wife to say something that would make him happy and sad at the same time.

She said "You have a bigger dick than your brother.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vcmpm/a_husband_asked_his_wife_to_say_something_that/
%
Why are fruit fetishists never alone?

Because they cum in pears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vcj6e/why_are_fruit_fetishists_never_alone/
%
I keep swallowing live ammunition.

I thought, this time I'm going to go to the hospital, but as usual, I just farted a round at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vcdnt/i_keep_swallowing_live_ammunition/
%
What kind of computer says "Hello"?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vcb15/what_kind_of_computer_says_hello/
%
How many Psychotherapists does it take to change a light-bulb?

Only one. But the bulb really must *want* to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vcaow/how_many_psychotherapists_does_it_take_to_change/
%
I think I have an infallibility complex

I've never been wrong before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vc93q/i_think_i_have_an_infallibility_complex/
%
"But mom! I don't like grandma."

"Keep quiet, son, and finish your plate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vc67c/but_mom_i_dont_like_grandma/
%
What do you call a Roman guy with pubes in his mouth?

Gladiator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vc2u1/what_do_you_call_a_roman_guy_with_pubes_in_his/
%
I like my coffee like I like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbzy8/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
I was playing guitar and someone asked if I could play Wonderwall

...I said maybe..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbufn/i_was_playing_guitar_and_someone_asked_if_i_could/
%
The characters from Dragon Ball Z aren't that super

Just saiyan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbsq0/the_characters_from_dragon_ball_z_arent_that_super/
%
My friend's bakery burned down last night

Now his business is toast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbpp1/my_friends_bakery_burned_down_last_night/
%
What do you call introverted hobbits?

Shyer folk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vblw3/what_do_you_call_introverted_hobbits/
%
A couple is lying in bed. The husband says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."The wife replies,...

..."I'll miss you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbldj/a_couple_is_lying_in_bed_the_husband_says_i_am/
%
What do peanuts have in common with husbands?

If you find them at a bar it means they're free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vblav/what_do_peanuts_have_in_common_with_husbands/
%
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine...

Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
/Jack Handy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbji3/dad_always_thought_laughter_was_the_best_medicine/
%
I've waited all year to post this

this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbj9i/ive_waited_all_year_to_post_this/
%
My favourite position in bed......

The side nearest the socket so i can play with my phone while it's charging

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbiw8/my_favourite_position_in_bed/
%
Who is the new member of the X-MEN

Caitlyn Jenner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbhar/who_is_the_new_member_of_the_xmen/
%
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mom's place."
I opened the fridge.
The light came on.
The beer was cold...
What the hell did she mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbgei/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_fridge/
%
What do pancakes and kids have in common?

The first one usually gets screwed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbgcb/what_do_pancakes_and_kids_have_in_common/
%
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a girl.

The knife has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbfhe/whats_the_difference_between_a_knife_and_an/
%
Cheating wife

A man comes home early from work one afternoon, walks into his bedroom, and finds his wife with another man in bed, both naked.
"Honey!" he cries. "What the hell are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the other man and says, "You see, I told you he was stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbfbk/cheating_wife/
%
Politics is like a game of rock-paper-scissors.

Gun beats everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbdjx/politics_is_like_a_game_of_rockpaperscissors/
%
Black Lives Matter movement organizers lied about total number of followers.

It turns out the movement is only three fifths as big as they say it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vbaxs/black_lives_matter_movement_organizers_lied_about/
%
I installed a skylight in my apartment.

The people living above me are furious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vb91u/i_installed_a_skylight_in_my_apartment/
%
21 One-Liners

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.
5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
13. Say what you want about deaf people...
14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.
15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."
16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.
19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
20. Whiteboards are remarkable.
21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vb6wm/21_oneliners/
%
Don't do drugs

...  Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison....'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vb68b/dont_do_drugs/
%
Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.

Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
Rihanna, mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vb37f/awful_pun_i_came_up_with_whilst_drunk_last_night/
%
Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.
" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"
" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."
" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?"
" - Gold, obviously!"
" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vb2he/olympic_condoms_nsfw/
%
I asked a North Korean how was life in his country...

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vb28b/i_asked_a_north_korean_how_was_life_in_his_country/
%
What do you call a cat that urinates in your shoes?

Piss in boots
Credit: My flatmate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vax6v/what_do_you_call_a_cat_that_urinates_in_your_shoes/
%
Why did the US Informant get stuck in Russia?

He was snowed-in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vawbi/why_did_the_us_informant_get_stuck_in_russia/
%
What are three words you don't want to hear during sex?

Honey, I'm home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vaump/what_are_three_words_you_dont_want_to_hear_during/
%
Tesla, Oscar Wilde, and Sherlock Holmes walk into a bar.

The punchline of this joke was patented and then hidden by Thomas Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3valos/tesla_oscar_wilde_and_sherlock_holmes_walk_into_a/
%
This banker I know has absolutely no friends...

I think he's loanly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vaiuv/this_banker_i_know_has_absolutely_no_friends/
%
Your beauty cannot be contained by the set of all real numbers.

That's because it's imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vahyg/your_beauty_cannot_be_contained_by_the_set_of_all/
%
A man is walking down the street...

And he sees a gnarled, wrinkled little old lady sitting on her porch.  He starts to just keep walking, but he notices that the lady has a huge charismatic smile on her face.
The man walks up and says to her "Excuse me, I Couldn't help but notice how vibrant you look.  Can you tell me what you've done to maintain what appears to be such a youthful exuberance?"
The lady responds "Sure, I get up every morning and smoke 2 stogies while I have my coffee with bourbon.  Then I have some sausage for lunch, smoke some cigarettes and sometimes a joint before I bareback one of the guys I hang out with."
The man says "Oh my god, we've got to get you on tv!  You've lived a long healthy life living like that!  Exactly how old are you?"
The woman says "24."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vaes6/a_man_is_walking_down_the_street/
%
[NSFW] What starts with an R and ends with a sentence?

Rape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vaed6/nsfw_what_starts_with_an_r_and_ends_with_a/
%
What do you call a unicorn that's had its horn removed?

A eunuchorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vadeq/what_do_you_call_a_unicorn_thats_had_its_horn/
%
What are a priest's favourite symphony...

The ones that start with a#(minor)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vaapa/what_are_a_priests_favourite_symphony/
%
Roses are red...

Violets are glorious.
I wouldn't surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3va508/roses_are_red/
%
A man with a black eye takes his seat on a plane...

...where he notices the gentleman next to him also has a black eye.
"So how'd you get that black eye." he asks
"Well it was a slip of the tongue.  I meant to ask the attractive woman at the desk for, "one ticket to Pittsburgh".  Instead I asked for, "one picket to Titsburgh" and she punched me.  What about you?"
"Mine was a slip of the tongue too.  This morning at breakfast I meant to ask my wife, "honey please pass me the Cheerios".  But instead it came out, "you ruined my life you stupid bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3va490/a_man_with_a_black_eye_takes_his_seat_on_a_plane/
%
Dad joke

Daughter: Dad, do you know what a Dad joke is?
Me: Of course honey, its what comes out of a dad egg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3va1b3/dad_joke/
%
Give a man a fish and he'll feed himself for a day.

Make the man a fish and you'll feed scientific curiosity for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9z1d/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_feed_himself_for_a_day/
%
Have you heard about the new Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

If your wife goes to the bathroom, take 4 shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9xr5/have_you_heard_about_the_new_oscar_pistorius/
%
Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?

They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9w38/why_do_jewish_men_like_to_watch_porno_movies/
%
A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?”
The customer says, “Female”
The counter guy asks, “Black or white?”
The customer says, “White”
The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?”
The customer says, “What the hell does religion have to do with it?”
The counter guy says, “The Muslim one blows itself up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9v2o/a_guy_goes_in_an_adult_store_and_asks_for_an/
%
What's the difference between a South African prison and Leonardo Dicaprio?

A South African prison has an Oscar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9rmg/whats_the_difference_between_a_south_african/
%
Canadian Defenition

Canadian (noun):
An unarmed american with health insurance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9qkl/canadian_defenition/
%
How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9q79/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
What did Grandma say to the frog?

Something racist, probably.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9otl/what_did_grandma_say_to_the_frog/
%
I ate some bad Greek food

now I falafel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9nk6/i_ate_some_bad_greek_food/
%
I ordered a book called "How to relieve stress"

My goodness, for the life of me I really hope that it arrives on time.
And that it's useful.
And that the delivery man doesn't dislike me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9nch/i_ordered_a_book_called_how_to_relieve_stress/
%
How does a female deer get revenge on her cheating husband?

She goes into town and blows a few bucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9nbw/how_does_a_female_deer_get_revenge_on_her/
%
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Just kidding, he hasn't opened the box yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9hx6/what_did_the_boy_with_no_arms_get_for_christmas/
%
Yo Momma so fat...

We are all very concerned about her health.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9h4z/yo_momma_so_fat/
%
A Priest, rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar

And orders a drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9dxh/a_priest_rapist_and_a_pedophile_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call it when a gay couple has a heated argument and one of them stabs another with a knife?

*a homocide.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9dq4/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_gay_couple_has_a/
%
I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9dmm/im_on_a_whiskey_diet/
%
What does a confused student at Hogwarts study?

Which craft?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v9bj0/what_does_a_confused_student_at_hogwarts_study/
%
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
This got a lot more upvotes than i expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v966f/three_men_are_on_a_boat_they_have_four_cigarettes/
%
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera,
Texas, staked out, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
(it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on, then off a
couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He
moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron
vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the
parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started
up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the
man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the
breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any
alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you
to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment
must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight
I'm the designated decoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v91sm/recently_a_routine_police_patrol_parked_outside_a/
%
A lawyer, a priest a school teacher and her class are on an airplane...

The pilot announces that the plane is about to crash and there are only a few parachutes on board.
The school teacher immediately screams "Save the children!"
The lawyer yells  "Fuck the children!"
The priest asks the lawyer "Do we have time for that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v8ys5/a_lawyer_a_priest_a_school_teacher_and_her_class/
%
i hate when...

...when people ask me where i see myself in 5 years. come on guys, i don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v8ut0/i_hate_when/
%
What do you call five black people having sex?

A threesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v8tce/what_do_you_call_five_black_people_having_sex/
%
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

Both have to smell it, but neither can taste it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v8pd1/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_guy/
%
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v8mie/chairman_of_the_board/
%
Why are Wendy's burgers so good?

Because they don't cut corners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v8jtm/why_are_wendys_burgers_so_good/
%
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Peace Prize?

He was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v8jc2/did_you_hear_about_the_scarecrow_who_won_the/
%
Do you ever feel like a tampon?

In a good place, but at the wrong time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v8izb/do_you_ever_feel_like_a_tampon/
%
What do you call a bird born in the 90s?

A millennial falcon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v8h2u/what_do_you_call_a_bird_born_in_the_90s/
%
What do you call bees that make milk?

Boobees

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v8g5r/what_do_you_call_bees_that_make_milk/
%
Where is the lift?

American: You mean the elevator?
English: Yes, we call it a lift.
American: It's called an elevator. We invented it.
English: And we invented the language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v8f8a/where_is_the_lift/
%
What's Donald Trump's favorite kind of milk?

1%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v8dln/whats_donald_trumps_favorite_kind_of_milk/
%
What do neutrinos and I have in common?

We're always penetrating your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v8clt/what_do_neutrinos_and_i_have_in_common/
%
When guys claim to have had a threesome, the next question is usually, "How was it?"

In my case, that question is shortened to one word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v89k8/when_guys_claim_to_have_had_a_threesome_the_next/
%
A snake walks into a bar

And the bartender asks "How did you do that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v88qu/a_snake_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Did you hear what is making the latest headlines?

Corduroy pillows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v886c/did_you_hear_what_is_making_the_latest_headlines/
%
I seemed to have lost all my vegetable puns

I hope they turnip somewhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v884q/i_seemed_to_have_lost_all_my_vegetable_puns/
%
Priest is about to give confession...has to make an emergency trip to the bathroom...

He opens the back door and looks for anyone to help him as the line up is getting long.  All he finds is the custodian.
He signals to him and asks to cover for him.  The custodian says he has no idea what to do.
"That's easy.  Just listen to the confession, look on the wall inside the confessional, there is a piece of paper with each sin and its punishment written down."
Easy enough, the custodian thinks.
First girl who comes in and confesses she told a lie to her mother and swore at her in the morning.
The custodian looks up at the piece of paper, finds both swearing and lying and promptly tells her to do one rosary.  Easy.
The next girl walks in and confesses she gave her boyfriend a bj that morning.
The custodian, a little abashed, looks for bj on the piece of paper.  Nothing.
Frantically he opens the back door and only sees a choir boy.
"Hey, what does the priest normally give for a bj?", the custodian asks.
The boy answers, "I dunno.  A bag of chips and a soda pop?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v86gr/priest_is_about_to_give_confessionhas_to_make_an/
%
What do you call a cow with no hind legs?

an utter drag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v860d/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_hind_legs/
%
Have you heard about the airplane industry?

Its really taking off and reaching new heights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v85mq/have_you_heard_about_the_airplane_industry/
%
How does ISIS listen to its favourite tunes?

On a boombox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v857k/how_does_isis_listen_to_its_favourite_tunes/
%
How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Don't be silly, feminist can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v837d/how_many_feminist_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
The Engineering student and his bike..

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v80yp/the_engineering_student_and_his_bike/
%
Concealed Carry

Got another concealed carry pistol yesterday.
In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often.    But this time, it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.    They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v80k0/concealed_carry/
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A rapist, a zoophile, a pedophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are all standing in a jail cell. .

The rapist: "I'd like to fuck something."
The zoophile: "A cat?"
The pedophile: "Even better, a kitten."
The sadist: "How about we beat the kitten up, and THEN have sex with it?"
The necrophiliac: "Alright let's beat a kitten to DEATH, and then have sex with it."
The pyromaniac: "Okay, how about we beat a kitten to death, light it on fire, and then have sex with it?"
The masochist:  "Meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v80i3/a_rapist_a_zoophile_a_pedophile_a_sadist_a/
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Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A: A Rip Off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v7xyr/q_what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Why should you bring two pairs of pants when you golf?

In case you get a hole-in-one
(stolen from some girl at school)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v7xop/why_should_you_bring_two_pairs_of_pants_when_you/
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What do you call a communist who's also a good sniper?

a Marxman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v7x7u/what_do_you_call_a_communist_whos_also_a_good/
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What did they say about Baghdad after they installed too many garbage cans?

It was Bin Laden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v7w3l/what_did_they_say_about_baghdad_after_they/
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Yo mama so fat...

her carbon footprint turned to diamond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v7w1k/yo_mama_so_fat/
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Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v7u0x/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
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A man walks into a bar and orders three drinks.

The barman serves him and then watches as the man alternates between each drink until all three are empty.
"Why do you drink them in that fashion?" asks the barman.
The man replies "I have two brothers, and they've both recently moved away. One is in Portugal, and the other is in Peru. But we've decided that we should still all drink together once a week, so right now my brothers are doing the exact same thing."
The barman, thinking it a wonderful idea, happily prepares the three drinks week in week out.
Then, one day, the man walks in, picks up two of the drinks, walks slowly to his table, and starts drinking.
The barman instantly knows exactly what this means and approaches the man's table and says "I'm terribly sorry for your loss."
The man replies "Don't worry, my brothers are fine. I just decided to quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v7twg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_three_drinks/
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My favorite sexual position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v7njj/my_favorite_sexual_position_is_the_jfk/
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What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v7cbd/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and_snowwomen/
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Did you hear about the football player that went to prison ?

He went from being a tight end to being a wide receiver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v78vm/did_you_hear_about_the_football_player_that_went/
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What do math majors get when they graduate?

A radian.
Math majors don't use degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v78tz/what_do_math_majors_get_when_they_graduate/
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Why did God create man first?

To give him a chance to speak...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v76pm/why_did_god_create_man_first/
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I've compiled a list of famous athletes who have spent time in prison.

It's a pros and cons list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v75oy/ive_compiled_a_list_of_famous_athletes_who_have/
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A blind man walks into a shop...

...he picks his guide dog up by the tail and starts to swing it around his head. "Can I help you!?" Asks the shop assistant. "No thanks" said the man, "I'm just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v75m5/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_shop/
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What's another name for the child sex offender registry?

The pedo file.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v6yj1/whats_another_name_for_the_child_sex_offender/
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What did the cow say to the dog?

Moo bitch, get out the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v6rw4/what_did_the_cow_say_to_the_dog/
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What is Yoda's last name?

Layhehoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v6qs6/what_is_yodas_last_name/
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What do you call cows with 2 legs?

Lean beef.
bonus: What do you call cows with no legs?
Ground beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v6qmj/what_do_you_call_cows_with_2_legs/
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Three men are kidnapped.

Their kidnapper informs them that if they wish to be set free, they need to listen to everything he says. His first order is that each of them must get back as many fruit of one kind as possible.
The first guy returns with a bag of apples. The kidnapper then tells him, "If you want to be spared, you're going to have to stuff 3 of those apples up your ass. And you're not allowed to express any sort of emotion while doing so. If your face so much as twitches, I'll have to shoot you."
The first guy manages to push one apple up his rear but on the second reduces to tears from the agonizing pain and is shot dead as a result.
The second guy's got back a bunch of grapes and is given the same set of instructions as the first. He slides one grape up his butthole. Totally calm. He slides the second. Smooth. As he's got the third ready, he suddenly bursts into a fit of laughter.
The kidnapper is perplexed. "Look, I'm going to have to shoot you, but why the fuck are you laughing? You were doing so well."
So, the second guy responds, "Cause the third guy's brought back pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v6q6q/three_men_are_kidnapped/
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Why do black folk carry around "boomboxes"?

it's just their stereo-type!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v6py4/why_do_black_folk_carry_around_boomboxes/
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Why is the ocean so salty?

The land never waves back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v6l2d/why_is_the_ocean_so_salty/
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Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v6kmo/is_google_male_or_female/
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My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I put her into the back of a Mercedes and drove her into a wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v6ekb/my_wife_said_she_wanted_to_be_treated_like_a/
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My goal in life is to get my face on a coin.

That way I can be the change I wish to see in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v6eiy/my_goal_in_life_is_to_get_my_face_on_a_coin/
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I Went To The Patent Office.

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v6edq/i_went_to_the_patent_office/
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How many animals can fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Ten pigs, two calves, one beaver, and an ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v6clb/how_many_animals_can_fit_into_a_pair_of_pantyhose/
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What do you call it when Batman skips church

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v6bxd/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
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What do women's breasts and toy trains have in common?

A: They're both intended for children... But, it's usually the father that play with them the most!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v6bdu/what_do_womens_breasts_and_toy_trains_have_in/
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What do you call the German word for Vaseline?

Derweinerslider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v69rg/what_do_you_call_the_german_word_for_vaseline/
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What do you call cows that don't have a sense of humor?

Feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v696j/what_do_you_call_cows_that_dont_have_a_sense_of/
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Why don't cows play poker?

Because it's a high steaks game

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v65sy/why_dont_cows_play_poker/
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A woman finds 7000 dollars and 4 eggs hidden in the closet..

.. and she instantly goes after her husband to ask him what the hell is that doing there. The husband explains it:
"Well, honey, everytime you annoy me, I put an egg there."
"And what about the 7000 dollars?"
"That's because everytime I complete a dozen eggs, I sell them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5yzf/a_woman_finds_7000_dollars_and_4_eggs_hidden_in/
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What does a baby computer call its father?

Data

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5ywb/what_does_a_baby_computer_call_its_father/
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Which ten letter word beginning with 'N' and ending with 'N' also means constipation?

NNNNNNNNNN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5xyi/which_ten_letter_word_beginning_with_n_and_ending/
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What’s the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?

Phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5uxi/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_michael/
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The man said to his mime...

"I'm afraid I have to fire you."
The mime replied, "Why the fuck am I fired?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5ti5/the_man_said_to_his_mime/
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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef strokin' off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5sqg/what_do_you_call_a_masturbating_cow/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich under one arm and a cat under the other.
The man orders a pint for himself and one for the ostrich.
The cat says "Don't think for a moment I'm paying for this!".
The bartender looks puzzled but diligently pours two pints.
The man downs his pint "That hit the spot". The ostrich dips his beak into his pint a drinks it all up.
The man proceeds to order two more pints.
The cat, becoming more irate, says "Look, I've told you once - don't expect me to pay for this!"
The bartender is becoming a little concerned but pours away. Again, short work is made of both pints.
The man orders a third round. The cat is now apoplectic "That's it pal - I AM NOT PAYING FOR YOUR DRINKS!"
The bartender can't contain his concern now and asks "Hey chap, what's the deal? You come in here with an ostrich under one arm, a cat under the other, ordering drinks that your cat is clearly unwilling to pay for - what's going on?"
The man replies "Well, it's a funny story - I was driving home after work and spotted a gorgeous young women pulled over onto the side of the road, struggling with the spare wheel. I stopped to help. When I'd changed the wheel, the young lady said she was a genie and could grant me one wish..."
"So, what you did you ask for?"
"A bird with long legs and tight pussy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5ppy/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me

She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5p5f/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_am/
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What's red and unhealthy for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5jde/whats_red_and_unhealthy_for_your_teeth/
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What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5iez/what_do_you_call_cows_that_have_a_sense_of_humor/
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What do you call it when a Bulgarian uses vulgar language?

A Bulgarity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5ich/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_bulgarian_uses_vulgar/
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The Rabbit

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5ckr/the_rabbit/
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A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It's a Shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5cf8/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo_the_only_animal_in_the/
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I had to change the battery in my clock.

It was about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5bkt/i_had_to_change_the_battery_in_my_clock/
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What do you call a singing computer?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5a97/what_do_you_call_a_singing_computer/
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Why does the little mermaid wear sea-shells?

She grew out of her b-shells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v557l/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_seashells/
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Why does Yasuo never get locked out?

Because he always "hasaki!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v4ntx/why_does_yasuo_never_get_locked_out/
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It's hard dating a snowman...

His parents will never warm up to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v4iei/its_hard_dating_a_snowman/
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After seeing the "Women don't talk much in Star Wars" video...

Maybe that's how they got so much done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v4c5m/after_seeing_the_women_dont_talk_much_in_star/
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TIL: Roofing in the Summer heat can be dangerous

WARNING: HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v3zue/til_roofing_in_the_summer_heat_can_be_dangerous/
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I invented a sandwich made with rodent meat.

I call it the Mickey Mouse Club.
Comes with chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v3xzb/i_invented_a_sandwich_made_with_rodent_meat/
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What was the last thing the Australian terrorist said.

KoALLAH AKBAR.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v3x74/what_was_the_last_thing_the_australian_terrorist/
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Why was the monkey attracted to the paint?

Cuz it was yellow and appealing!
Sorry if this is bad. Seen too many of the same jokes here and I wanted to add an original joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v3pq0/why_was_the_monkey_attracted_to_the_paint/
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My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’
I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v3o7y/my_teenage_daughter_came_home_in_a_rage/
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A story about a man with no arms.

One day, a man with no arms was low of money and decided he needed a job. So he went to the local church and talked to the priest. He told the pastor that he wanted to be the bell ringer, despite the fact that he had no arms.
The priest pondered this, and said "if you can go ring the bell at 3, you can have the job."
So right at three he went up the stairs to the massive Bell;m, rand and slammed his entire face into the bell, ringing it once. He backed up, and ran into the bell with his face again, ringing it once more.
He went back to the priest and the priest said "well I'm impressed, you got the job." So every hour he would go back up and ring the bell. At ten o'clock, as he was running towards the bell he tripped and fell off the tower and died. So while the cops were on the scene investigating the body, one cop asked the other "Do you know this man!"
"No, but his face sure rings a bell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v3ict/a_story_about_a_man_with_no_arms/
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What do necrophiliacs get when they wake up on the day of a funeral?

Mourning Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v3g3b/what_do_necrophiliacs_get_when_they_wake_up_on/
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What's accounting?

Something Italians learn in preschool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v3cng/whats_accounting/
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How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus similar

They both only come when your sleeping

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v3bpf/how_are_bill_cosby_and_santa_claus_similar/
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Is your ass a computer?

Because I want to back it up to a 3 inch floppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v3be4/is_your_ass_a_computer/
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My girlfriend once used Vaseline when she gave me a handjob . .

I came four or five times trying to wash it off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v39oy/my_girlfriend_once_used_vaseline_when_she_gave_me/
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What do you call a prostitute that is bad at their job?

Whorrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v35li/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_that_is_bad_at/
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There's a new police bar in town.

I hear it's very copular.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v33q3/theres_a_new_police_bar_in_town/
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My ex-wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v3339/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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What does a man with five dicks wear?

Pants that fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v32le/what_does_a_man_with_five_dicks_wear/
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Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes...

Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up
Interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years,
You could have now bought a new Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v31yq/woman_do_you_drink_beer_man_yes/
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Every Day in Florida

Two elderly ladies, Phyllis and Marge, were driving to a church gathering. Phyllis was behind the wheel while Marge rode shotgun, knitting. Out of the corner of her eye, Marge thought she saw a stop sign flash by and asked herself if perhaps Phyllis had blown past it, so she paid attention as they approached another. Sure enough, Phyllis cruised through the intersection without stopping.
"Phyllis! You just ran a stop sign!"
"Oh!" replied Phyllis, "Am I driving?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2w8o/every_day_in_florida/
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What do you call an obnoxious potato?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2uto/what_do_you_call_an_obnoxious_potato/
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Bet the wife $50

That she couldn't make me happy and sad with the same sentence.
She said I was much better in bed than my brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2udj/bet_the_wife_50/
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How does Moses make tea?

Hebrews it! Hahaha, get it? He fucking brews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2t48/how_does_moses_make_tea/
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I just told my girlfriend that I was an Italian mite in a past life .

I'm a Roman tick at heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2s1l/i_just_told_my_girlfriend_that_i_was_an_italian/
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What has 6 letters, starts with 'P', and ends a sentence?

Parole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2re2/what_has_6_letters_starts_with_p_and_ends_a/
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Russian history: 5 word edition

And then things got worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2q7q/russian_history_5_word_edition/
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Guy walks into a bar...

...and notices a horse over in the corner. The man asks the bartender what the horse is doing there.
"Oh. If you can make that horse laugh I'll give you $100."
The man goes over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and the horse busts out laughing.
In shock, but a man of his word, the bartender gives the man $100.
A week later the same man comes into the bar. He didn't see the horse this time and asks the bartender where the horse was.
"He's behind the building now. Hey. Double or nothing, I bet you can't get him to cry!"
The man accepts and goes outside to see the horse. The horse began to cry so loud that the bartender could hear him from inside the building!
The man comes back in and before the bartender gives him the $100 he asks, "how the hell did you make him laugh and how the hell did you make him cry?"
"Oh. The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and just now I proved it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2pdv/guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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I'm not sexist.

Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2nng/im_not_sexist/
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Anybody ever get paid to smuggle drugs in their butt?

... Cause it sounds like a dope ass job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2m4q/anybody_ever_get_paid_to_smuggle_drugs_in_their/
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How do you put a baby to sleep?

You rock them.
What if it doesn't work?
Use a bigger rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2ih8/how_do_you_put_a_baby_to_sleep/
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"I always feel so self-conscious when I'm out in public," I told my girlfriend.

"Don't worry, you aren't that ugly," she sniggered.
I said, "No, but you are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2hwq/i_always_feel_so_selfconscious_when_im_out_in/
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We all know the old saying "I named my dick 'The Truth' cause bitches can't handle it..."

I call mine "The Plea Bargain" cause ladies only take it as a last resort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2fw1/we_all_know_the_old_saying_i_named_my_dick_the/
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A man in a balaclava walked up to my till and put a gun to my head.

"Don't try anything smart!" he ordered.
"OK." I replied.
"Open your till and give me the money!" he yelled.
I said, "I don't know how to open it."
He said, "Don't be fucking stupid!"
I said, "Jesus...make your mind up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2fu3/a_man_in_a_balaclava_walked_up_to_my_till_and_put/
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My first time with a condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2efc/my_first_time_with_a_condom/
%
With great power...

... comes a great electricity bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2bua/with_great_power/
%
Today I ended a long term relationship.

I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v2amd/today_i_ended_a_long_term_relationship/
%
I tripped on a "slippery when wet" sign today.

I was floored by the irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v25xl/i_tripped_on_a_slippery_when_wet_sign_today/
%
Are you a rational function?

because I could ride your asymptote to infinity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v211z/are_you_a_rational_function/
%
I remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket

He said "hey how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v1xpq/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said_to_me/
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A Man and a boy are walking together in a dark forest

The boy looks frightened and says out loud, "Im really scared!"
The man responds, "You think you're scared? I'm the one who has to walk out of here alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v1xbo/a_man_and_a_boy_are_walking_together_in_a_dark/
%
Love is like peeing yourself....

– everyone can see but only you feel the warmth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v1oaj/love_is_like_peeing_yourself/
%
An elderly woman walks into a sex shop

She slowly walks up to the cashier at the counter and asks
"d-d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell d-d-d-d-dildos?"
The cashier responds. "Yes we do"
The old woman says "d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell b-b-b-b-big d-d-d-d-dildos?"
Once again the cashier responds "Yes we do"
The old woman says "d-d-d-d-do you n-n-n-n-n-know h-h-h-h-h-h-how to t-t-t-t-turn them off?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v1kur/an_elderly_woman_walks_into_a_sex_shop/
%
Came home to find all the doors and windows open, and everything gone.

What kind of sick person would do that to an Advent calendar?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v17qp/came_home_to_find_all_the_doors_and_windows_open/
%
What's crunchy on the outside and airy in the inside?

A lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v1497/whats_crunchy_on_the_outside_and_airy_in_the/
%
What the the planet Jupiter say to Neptune?

I can see Uranus from here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v13o1/what_the_the_planet_jupiter_say_to_neptune/
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A Brilliant Old Man and Skinny Dipping Ladies

Ron an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years, which had a pond in the back. It was suitable to swimming so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the Bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v12uo/a_brilliant_old_man_and_skinny_dipping_ladies/
%
Why do SJWs hate Apple computers?

Because they're not PC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v10fo/why_do_sjws_hate_apple_computers/
%
London lawyer

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!
Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration,please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v0wzj/london_lawyer/
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"I see" said the blind man pissing into the wind...

"It's all coming back to me now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v0vj1/i_see_said_the_blind_man_pissing_into_the_wind/
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I wish I was a helicase enzyme...

...because then I could unzip your genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v0v9m/i_wish_i_was_a_helicase_enzyme/
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Rhodes Scholars are book smart...

but road scholars are street smart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v0nue/rhodes_scholars_are_book_smart/
%
Neil Armstrong

used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon. Nobody would laugh, but then immediately after Neil would follow up with, "Ah well, I guess you had to be there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v0f1x/neil_armstrong/
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A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v0b76/a_senior_citizen_called_her_husband_during_his/
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An old man goes to confession..

An old German man goes to confession one Sunday. He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the Nazis in return for sexual favours". The Priest, while surprised, says "It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman despite the immoral exchange". "I understand that father" the old man says "But, do you think I should tell her the war is over?".
Courtesy of my Dad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v0aw0/an_old_man_goes_to_confession/
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I'm into perpendicular lines.

I'm a bisectual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v04dv/im_into_perpendicular_lines/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v04di/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
I told my girlfriend I wanted some new pussy.

She told me to grow an inch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uzz0l/i_told_my_girlfriend_i_wanted_some_new_pussy/
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Collecting Donations

A driver was stuck in traffic on the highway outside Washington D.C. Nothing was moving. A man walks up and knocks on the car window. The driver rolled down his window and asked,
"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollars in ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."
"Well, how much is everyone giving on average?" the driver asked.
"Roughly a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uzwew/collecting_donations/
%
Do you know what makes the ISIS joke really funny?

The execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uzvb2/do_you_know_what_makes_the_isis_joke_really_funny/
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My wife and I were having great difficulty conceiving.

We tried everything, got tested, tried in vitro, etc.  Nothing worked.  Finally, the doctor said we were putting too much pressure on ourselves.  He said to throw away the charts and the thermometer and just enjoy sex again, doing it whenever the mood struck.
On morning at breakfast, I was reading the paper and reached for the salt.  My wife reached for it at the same time.  Our fingers touched, our eyes met, and I swept everything off the table, picked up my wife and made love to her right there.  Nine months later we had a baby.
Of course, we still aren't allowed in our local Burger King, but I think it was worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uztk9/my_wife_and_i_were_having_great_difficulty/
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I told my SO that now Movember is over they should shave their mustache.

She didn't take it very well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uzq0f/i_told_my_so_that_now_movember_is_over_they/
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I just found out what ballerinas call their dresses.

I just put two and two together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uzpmk/i_just_found_out_what_ballerinas_call_their/
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What's the worst thing at a bad joke party?

The punch lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uzif8/whats_the_worst_thing_at_a_bad_joke_party/
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I have a theory on scoliosis

It's just a hunch though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uzguh/i_have_a_theory_on_scoliosis/
%
What did the little boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.
Just kidding, he hasn't opened them yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uzc7d/what_did_the_little_boy_with_no_hands_get_for/
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The real reason women will never be the ones to propose...

As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uz2nl/the_real_reason_women_will_never_be_the_ones_to/
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What gets longer when pulled...

Fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole
and works best when jerked?
--
--
A seatbelt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uz1u1/what_gets_longer_when_pulled/
%
Women are good for 70 things

Cooking and 69

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uyxhc/women_are_good_for_70_things/
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If you can read this

You're not Floyd Mayweather

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uyx2m/if_you_can_read_this/
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BUBBA

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uytxv/bubba/
%
What type of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uyqgl/what_type_of_shoes_do_ninjas_wear/
%
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uyprk/mr_smith_i_have_reviewed_this_case_very_carefully/
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What do you call a chinese Jehovah's witness?

Ding Dong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uyojy/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_jehovahs_witness/
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My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.

There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uyhf1/my_girlfriend_found_lipstick_in_my_jacket_pocket/
%
Husband and wife are arguing about the number of children they want to have.

"I want two children." The husband says.
"No fucking way. I'm having three."
"Two."
"Three."
"**TWO!!**"
"**THREE!!**"
"Screw that. After our second child, I'm getting sterilized." The husband smirks.
"Alrighty then." The wife says, "I hope you love our third child the same as the first two."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uyh8p/husband_and_wife_are_arguing_about_the_number_of/
%
An ice cream truck flips over on the highway, what does it leave?

A Rocky Road

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uygm9/an_ice_cream_truck_flips_over_on_the_highway_what/
%
Nerd joke of the week

If Frodo is a Hobbit, are 8 Frodos a Hobbyte?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uyf3r/nerd_joke_of_the_week/
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got removed from r/showerthoughts but...

Helen Keller really only knew a hand-full of words...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uyewi/got_removed_from_rshowerthoughts_but/
%
"You should date black guys".....

How girls tell each other they're fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uydbi/you_should_date_black_guys/
%
Sex Ed in 2015

Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uyd9z/sex_ed_in_2015/
%
Why did the black man walk backwards?

I have no idea, Your Honor, but he was coming right at me and I felt my life was at risk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uy8ze/why_did_the_black_man_walk_backwards/
%
I can't believe...!

Person 1: I can't believe after all that shit they're back together!!!
Person 2: Who?!
Person 1: My ass cheeks.
I've used this many times in person, and it still cracks me up to this day lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uy8iq/i_cant_believe/
%
What did Davey Crocket say at the Alamo?

"Where'd all the roofers come from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uy2cw/what_did_davey_crocket_say_at_the_alamo/
%
Joke from my grandpa

I once met a girl who had a boob on her back.
She wasn't much to look at, but she sure was fun to dance with!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uxypn/joke_from_my_grandpa/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uxvbk/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_today/
%
Sex with 3 people...

Sex with 3 people is called a threesome. Sex with 2 people is called a twosome. That explains why they call you handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uxtfy/sex_with_3_people/
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What do you call a couple of ones and zeros orbiting around each other?

Binary stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uxsss/what_do_you_call_a_couple_of_ones_and_zeros/
%
Did you hear about the guy who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0K now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uxqqt/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_cooled_to/
%
There's this band called one thousand and twenty three megabytes

They haven't had any gigs yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uxmh8/theres_this_band_called_one_thousand_and_twenty/
%
I would never let my kids watch the orchestra

Way too much sax and violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uxkcw/i_would_never_let_my_kids_watch_the_orchestra/
%
Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uxjvb/why_is_air_a_lot_like_sex/
%
What do you call batman when he skips church?

christian bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uxgdd/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_skips_church/
%
Never get a cheap circumcision.

It's a rip-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uxg5p/never_get_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
I used to be a banker...

But then I lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uxg45/i_used_to_be_a_banker/
%
What is it called when a spanish man has 10 testicles?

Diez nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uxc97/what_is_it_called_when_a_spanish_man_has_10/
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After a heavy night of drinking a man leaves the bar...

The man begins to walk home until he spots what appears to be a hooker. The alcohol he had made him rather frisky so he walked over to her and handed her $20 and asked "What could I get for this?" The woman replies with "Well, I can give you a specialty, 'The Penguin' is what it is called." The man agrees and so the woman kneels down right there and then and pulls the man's pants down to his ankles and begins to give him a blowjob. The man is amazed how good she is, this was possibly the best oral he'd ever had and he didn't want it to stop, but just when the man was about to finish the woman stood up and began to walk away, the man then shouted "Come back!" as he shuffled his feet foward trying to catch up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uxbbd/after_a_heavy_night_of_drinking_a_man_leaves_the/
%
Don't have phone sex....

You could get hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ux59a/dont_have_phone_sex/
%
A beautiful young girl of around 18 years tried to board a bus.

A beautiful young girl of around 18 years,tried to board a bus but the bus conductor didn't stop the bus.
Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.
He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room . The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus.
This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experience stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries.
The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!
During the first time the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the second time, he was a good conductor, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ux4tz/a_beautiful_young_girl_of_around_18_years_tried/
%
Why did the pope have so many children?

Because his condom was a little holy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ux1x1/why_did_the_pope_have_so_many_children/
%
After leaving school one day...

... a third grader named Johnny was being picked up by his mother.
"What did you do in school today?" asked his mom.
"I had sex with my teacher," he replied. Johnny's mother was furious. She walked him home without saying a word, and then once they were home she sent him up to his room.
"I'm telling your father about this," she yelled from downstairs.
Once Johnny's father was home, the mother explained to him what had happened.
Johnny's father went up to his room and congratulated Johnny.
"Nice work, son! Let me buy you a new bike."
So they went out to the bike store. "Pick any one you want, Johnny," said the father.
Johnny picked out a blue and black one with red stripes.
"Do you want to ride it home, son?" asked Johnny's dad.
"No thanks, Pa. My butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uwypu/after_leaving_school_one_day/
%
All the Geology majors at my university smoke a lot weed.

I guess you could say that they're all a bunch of stoners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uwyms/all_the_geology_majors_at_my_university_smoke_a/
%
Got run over by a limo today

Took fucking ages

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uwxnx/got_run_over_by_a_limo_today/
%
Why did the rope go to jail?

Because he was knotty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uwwg0/why_did_the_rope_go_to_jail/
%
The Millenium Falcon is taking off...

Han Solo asks C3PO to give him a countdown, and C3PO says..
"10....8.....6.....4"
Han interrupts him and asks what the heck he's doing.
C3 says "You told me to never tell you the odds"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uwlgo/the_millenium_falcon_is_taking_off/
%
The boss and the secretary

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*****d! You've been playing golf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uwjyi/the_boss_and_the_secretary/
%
Why did EA Cross the road?

Buy the season pass now to find out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uwdey/why_did_ea_cross_the_road/
%
Will You Still Love Me???

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “I do.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uwa10/will_you_still_love_me/
%
What do you call a New Zealander with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uw3du/what_do_you_call_a_new_zealander_with_a_sheep/
%
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It's a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uvzpk/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo_the_only_animal_in_the/
%
Aristotle said we are what we repeatedly do.

Therefore, I am your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uvrre/aristotle_said_we_are_what_we_repeatedly_do/
%
Why does Santa have a huge sack?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uvpvw/why_does_santa_have_a_huge_sack/
%
Why shouldn't you date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uvoxp/why_shouldnt_you_date_a_tennis_player/
%
Why don't Germans tell jokes about sausage?

Because they are the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uvhwi/why_dont_germans_tell_jokes_about_sausage/
%
What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uvc0y/what_do_tight_pants_and_a_cheap_hotel_have_in/
%
Every letter likes Jews...

but not-Z

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uv5s9/every_letter_likes_jews/
%
So I walked into a bank with a bag of weed to deposit...

The teller asked, "what are you doing?"
I said, "I wish to open a joint account!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uv5m0/so_i_walked_into_a_bank_with_a_bag_of_weed_to/
%
I got a banging sound system fitted into my car.

Might make my job as a hearse driver more entertaining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uv2n8/i_got_a_banging_sound_system_fitted_into_my_car/
%
A woman arrived at a party

& while scanning the guests she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen." "What's your name?" she asked.
He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uuxn4/a_woman_arrived_at_a_party/
%
Give a man a jacket

He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uuwra/give_a_man_a_jacket/
%
A German joke...

...is no laughing matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uut5k/a_german_joke/
%
What do you call an exaggeration of mens genitalia?

A phallus-y!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uum2u/what_do_you_call_an_exaggeration_of_mens_genitalia/
%
3 clueless men

Three very conservative men were sitting in a bar discussing their daughters.
The first man said: "I am so disappointed in my little girl. I was going through her room the other day, and found a bottle of Vodka. I did not know she drank"
The second man continued: "I know how you feel. I was going through my princess' room and found a pack of cigarettes. I had no idea that she smoked."
The third man looked at his friends longingly: "you two are very lucky. I found a condom in my daughter's room. I had no idea that she had a penis."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uuhxd/3_clueless_men/
%
The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: **"Anyone know whose phone this is?"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uudv6/the_perfect_husband/
%
A man saw an unusual funeral procession

At the head of the procession was a man leading a labrador on a leash, following 2 slowly moving hearses. He cannot contain his curiosity and walks alongside the man at the head of the procession to offer his condolences.
"Sorry for your loss, who's in the hearse in front?"
"My wife"
"How did she die, if you dont mind my asking?"
"See this dog?" Says the bereaved man pointing to his labrador, It attacked and killed her."
"Dear me, who's in the second hearse?"
"My mother in law, she was trying to shield my wife from the dog and it attacked and killed her too."
They walk on for a little while longer in silence, when he asks
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uudor/a_man_saw_an_unusual_funeral_procession/
%
What do you call your lost iPad?

iHad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uuc2w/what_do_you_call_your_lost_ipad/
%
Where are average things built?

In a satisfactory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uubfm/where_are_average_things_built/
%
What's the difference between being horny and being hungry?

Where you put the cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uub64/whats_the_difference_between_being_horny_and/
%
Where's your bin?

A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin.
"Hey bub, where's ya bin`"
"I took a little vacation for a few weeks,"
"No. I meant where's your bin?"
"Told ya, vacation, at the beach!"
"No man. Where's ya wheely bin?"
"Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uuayo/wheres_your_bin/
%
A little boy is trying to peel the lid off his tub of yoghurt..

He gets frustrated and yells "fuckin' lid!".
His mother turns to his father and says "where do you think he got that from?"
The father says "the fuckin' fridge you dumb cunt".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uu3xs/a_little_boy_is_trying_to_peel_the_lid_off_his/
%
What is Buddhism measured in?

Oooohms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uu3t2/what_is_buddhism_measured_in/
%
Why don't British people pronounce their T's?

They left them in the Boston Harbor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uu2fh/why_dont_british_people_pronounce_their_ts/
%
If Russia invaded Turkey

from behind, will Greece help?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3utzjl/if_russia_invaded_turkey/
%
what's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

beer nuts are $1.69 and deer nuts are under a buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uts61/whats_the_difference_between_beer_nuts_and_deer/
%
I can totally relate to batteries

I'm not included in anything either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3utpnh/i_can_totally_relate_to_batteries/
%
Parts of a man's body are arguing....

The head says: "I work the hardest to keep the rest of you going"
The heart says:  "I beat millions of times. . Without me,  the brain and rest of the body would die.... so I work the hardest!"
The feet say: "I  have to support all of your weight. ..so I'm the hardest worker."
The penis finally speaks up: "I know how tough you have it, but I have it the worst.  Every week, when he's not beating me,  he's shoving me into a stinking moist cave where he forces me to do push-ups till I throw up! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3utp5z/parts_of_a_mans_body_are_arguing/
%
I don't know why old people drive so slowly..

If you're 85 you should be driving 85, you ain't got much time left!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3utluj/i_dont_know_why_old_people_drive_so_slowly/
%
Have you ever met a vegan that does crossfit?

Oh you'd know if you had.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3utjxv/have_you_ever_met_a_vegan_that_does_crossfit/
%
I guess you could say Luke Skywalker single-handedly defeated the empire.

I told this joke to someone in a dream, and when I woke up I realized it was actually funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3utipx/i_guess_you_could_say_luke_skywalker/
%
What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3utiob/what_did_0_say_to_8/
%
So apparently Curiosity, a Mars rover, found something resembling a mouse...

If Mars is suffering from a mouse infestation it's probably because Curiosity killed the cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uthjz/so_apparently_curiosity_a_mars_rover_found/
%
Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3utfwx/everyone_who_thinks_theyre_stupid_stand_up/
%
Asked my dad to explain how big a thousandth of an inch is.

"when you go for a deep ass scratch and you look at your finger and sure it may look clean, but then you smell it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ut9qa/asked_my_dad_to_explain_how_big_a_thousandth_of/
%
THE CAT AND THE LAB

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed
away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably ...dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ut5rc/the_cat_and_the_lab/
%
Unlike his famous father, Lord Kelvin's son never amounted to much.

He was an absolute zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ut5hc/unlike_his_famous_father_lord_kelvins_son_never/
%
You know the main problem with North Korea?

It has no Seoul...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uszqa/you_know_the_main_problem_with_north_korea/
%
What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?

My Zipper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uszkd/what_has_142_teeth_and_holds_back_the_incredible/
%
Knock Knock. Who's there? A lazy person. A lazy person who?

You guys can fill in the rest for yourselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3usvh2/knock_knock_whos_there_a_lazy_person_a_lazy/
%
What did the penis say to the testicles?

There's a vas deferens between us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3usv71/what_did_the_penis_say_to_the_testicles/
%
What do you call a Mathematician who is an outlaw and a liar?

an outlier
downvote brigade can start now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3usruv/what_do_you_call_a_mathematician_who_is_an_outlaw/
%
Three spies are captured in london

One is German, one is French and the other is italian. First they interrogate the German spy and after 3 hours of torture he talks and is thrown back into the cell with the others. Then the French spy is interrogated, and after about 8 hours of torture they get him to talk and throw him back with the others. Last they interrogate the Italian spy and after 20 hours of torture and failing to make him say a word they give up for the day and throw him back with the others. When he is back in the cell with the other spies asked him, "how did you last that long without saying a word"?
Then the Italian man says,
"I was trying to speak but they had my  hands strapped down and I wasn't able to move them".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3usrpf/three_spies_are_captured_in_london/
%
What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla?

The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3usqc0/whats_the_difference_between_chris_brown_and_a/
%
What do you call an actor that has just paid off his house?

Mortgage Freeman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3usp81/what_do_you_call_an_actor_that_has_just_paid_off/
%
Did you hear about the homeless artist who got turned down in his submission for a classic string toy rebranding?

It was a no-go hobo yo-yo logo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uskjq/did_you_hear_about_the_homeless_artist_who_got/
%
What do zero and nil have in common?

Absolutely Nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uskde/what_do_zero_and_nil_have_in_common/
%
I was kicked out of the army because I got gonorrhea

It was a dishonorable discharge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3usgwp/i_was_kicked_out_of_the_army_because_i_got/
%
Stereo types exist for a reason.

Because not everyone wants a Sony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3usgwc/stereo_types_exist_for_a_reason/
%
I applied for art school

I had no port folio, had never drawn in my life and absolutely no talent.
I was furious when they rejected me because I was the perfect candidate.
Surely if anyone needs lessons it's me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uscwp/i_applied_for_art_school/
%
A Navy Yeoman screws up a message

One of the guys got a message from his wife that changed a bit when the Yeoman transcribed it:
She sent: “Not getting any better, hurry home.”
He got: “Not getting any, better hurry home.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3usa2y/a_navy_yeoman_screws_up_a_message/
%
Did you hear the one about the American military aviation enthusiast who bought himself a French fighter plane?

He was arrested for possession of an Assault Rafale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3us5t3/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_american_military/
%
I came home from the pet store and lovingly gave my new kitten her first bath

And now all I can taste is her asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3us11v/i_came_home_from_the_pet_store_and_lovingly_gave/
%
Where do kids with ADHD go?

To concentration camps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3urzw6/where_do_kids_with_adhd_go/
%
An American spy goes to Soviet Russia.

An American spy is in Soviet Russia. He is digging up information on a powerful Russian politician, and is pretending to be a Russian.
He finds the politician in a bar, and walks in, dressed in Russian attire. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink, and walks to the politician.
"Greetings, comrade", says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy".
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained spy, he says, "that is not true, I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully. Everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!", says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!". He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America, and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!", says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "there aren't many black people in Russia."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3urw82/an_american_spy_goes_to_soviet_russia/
%
What did the kid with cancer get for Christmas?

Nothing, he didn't make it that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3urvfx/what_did_the_kid_with_cancer_get_for_christmas/
%
The Russian Pretzel

An American wrestler was invited to a tournament in Russia a few years ago.
In his weight class there was a Russian wrestler known for his use of the Russian pretzel to pin his opponents.
Fortunately for the American, he wouldn't have to to face this menacing force until the championship.
Throughout the tournament the American had barely beaten every opponent while the Russian had pinned everyone he faced by the Russian pretzel.
During the match, the American seemed to be getting the best of the Russian until he felt he Russian gain control of his body and start contorting it in a way he had never felt.
Just before he got pinned, he looked up and saw a large, hairy nutsack in his face and did the only thing he could think of to get out of the situation.
The crowd hear a loud yell, and the American escaped and ended up winning the match.
He went to his coach and was asked how he got out of the Russian Pretzel.
He looked his coach in the eye and said, "Coach, you'll never know how fast you can move until you bite your own nutsack"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uru15/the_russian_pretzel/
%
What was the first thing the stowaway to Mars said after he landed?

Just out of Curiosity...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3urqu6/what_was_the_first_thing_the_stowaway_to_mars/
%
What's the difference between a bad golfer, and a bad skydiver?

The golfer goes "*Whack* Damn!"
The skydiver goes "Damn! *Whack*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3urpyz/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
%
Why do Communists only drink coffee?

Because proper tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3urpeh/why_do_communists_only_drink_coffee/
%
Why didn't Beethoven sell his house?

He put it up Fur Elise!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uro7u/why_didnt_beethoven_sell_his_house/
%
Little Johnny...

Little Johnny was at school, when his teacher presented him with a question. "Johnny, if there are five birds sitting on your porch, and you throw a rock at one of them, how many birds will you have left?" Little Johnny replied, "Well none, because if you throw a stone at one, they all would fly away." The teacher corrected little Johnny and said, "Well no, you would have four birds, but I like the way you think." Johnny accepted his correction. Later that day, Little Johnny asked his teacher a question. "Say teacher, If you saw three women eating ice cream, were one of them licks the cone, one of them bites the cone, and one of them sucks the cone, which one do you think would be married?" The teacher thinks for a while, and says, "Well, I'm going to guess it's the one who sucks on the ice cream cone." Johnny replies with a smug look on his face, "Well no, its the woman with the ring on your finger, but I like the way you think!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3urk7z/little_johnny/
%
How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3urjt0/how_can_you_tell_if_your_wife_is_dead/
%
I couldn't decide whether or not to buy this new king sized mattress

I'm going to sleep on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3urjdr/i_couldnt_decide_whether_or_not_to_buy_this_new/
%
Why does DMX hate sweatshirts?

he dunno where the hood at

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3urihz/why_does_dmx_hate_sweatshirts/
%
Watch out for that hole!

My friend went to the doctor the other day, she told him she wanted to make her vagina tighter. He suggested she get a mirror place it on the floor and do squats over it. Her husband came in from work seen her and shouted " Oh God honey watch out for that hole in the floor don't fall in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ureyo/watch_out_for_that_hole/
%
What's the best side of the house to build a deck on?

The outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3urex1/whats_the_best_side_of_the_house_to_build_a_deck/
%
Facebook is like a prison.

You look around, write on walls, and are poked by people you don't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ure0l/facebook_is_like_a_prison/
%
Odd Signs From England

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE
DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.
(PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of
Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED.
OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED BY ORDER
OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS, WE MUST
ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST
TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE
DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE
WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE!  I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST
LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ur7r8/odd_signs_from_england/
%
Practical joke

An intern decided to play a practical joke on a patient husband. He went to the waiting room. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news" the intern said "your wife is going to be a vegetable. You will have to bath her, feed her and care for her the rest of her life". The husband said in tears "oh my God!". The intern laughed "no. No. I'm just kidding. She is dead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ur6ee/practical_joke/
%
What does someone with a foot fetish wish for?

To meet their solemate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ur66v/what_does_someone_with_a_foot_fetish_wish_for/
%
What do you call Bono's stupid brother?

Duno...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ur5so/what_do_you_call_bonos_stupid_brother/
%
GM and Microsoft

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ur45f/gm_and_microsoft/
%
What is it called when a Redditor writes about his life?

A meme-oir

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ur36c/what_is_it_called_when_a_redditor_writes_about/
%
Name a body part that's long and stiff and uses the letters PENSI

A spine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ur2o6/name_a_body_part_thats_long_and_stiff_and_uses/
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Information Technology cannibals

Five cannibals get selected as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and if you are hungry, you can go to the company cafeteria for something to eat. So don't bother the other employees". The cannibals promise not to bother the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals deny any knowledge of the missing cleaner.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which one of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand rise hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything. Why you just had to go and eat the cleaner?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ur2dm/information_technology_cannibals/
%
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue you've broken!!

Sardar: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ur150/museum_administrator_thats_a_500yearold_statue/
%
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uqv9c/i_parked_in_a_disabled_space_today_and_a_traffic/
%
Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the fuck out of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uqutr/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
%
How does shitty music move?

In One Direction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uqspv/how_does_shitty_music_move/
%
Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven was a Registered Six Offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uqrlt/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it.

Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uqn50/when_my_first_wife_lost_her_credit_card_i_didnt/
%
Hell no!

Woman goes to get crotchless panties to make husband happy, on his arrival from work she throws her leg up on the arm of the couch and ask " Honey you want some of this?!" He says " Hell no look what it's done, done to your panties!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uqj6g/hell_no/
%
What's Canada's spy agency?

The CI, eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uqikh/whats_canadas_spy_agency/
%
A guy is walking with a young boy into the woods...

Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared”
Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uqh9n/a_guy_is_walking_with_a_young_boy_into_the_woods/
%
A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?”
The guy: “No…they are all at the funeral!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uqezl/a_man_takes_his_seat_at_the_world_cup_final_he/
%
Why would people always stand still to hide from Martin Luther King Jr.?

His vision was based on movements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uqbzo/why_would_people_always_stand_still_to_hide_from/
%
Overly intoxicated man in a bar one night is making a fool of himself

The next day he returns to the bar sits down and orders a coffee. The bartender sarcastically asks," are you sure you don't want another shot of whiskey?" Holding his stomach, and wiping his mouth the man says," I drank so much last night that I went home and blew chunks." The bartender says, "see what happens when you drink too much, you end up throwing up all night." The man replies." no, you don't understand, chunks is my dog".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uq5qt/overly_intoxicated_man_in_a_bar_one_night_is/
%
My girlfriend told me that if I ever cheated on her, it would be worse if it was with a black girl. I told her she was wrong.

It'd only be three-fifths as bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uq3yw/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_if_i_ever_cheated_on/
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Johnny was in class one day...

and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have sex with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3upys9/johnny_was_in_class_one_day/
%
It's hard to argue with a spear

I mean, it's got a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3upx8n/its_hard_to_argue_with_a_spear/
%
A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean......

Both crews were marooned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3upwaa/a_ship_carrying_red_paint_and_a_ship_carrying/
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"Do you have a vagina?"

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there
He asks the lady,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have one,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3upup1/do_you_have_a_vagina/
%
My wife is like a delicious strawberry popsicle.

Cold on the inside and 90% artificial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3upujy/my_wife_is_like_a_delicious_strawberry_popsicle/
%
My brother just threw a carton of milk at me

wtf , how dairy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3upqg3/my_brother_just_threw_a_carton_of_milk_at_me/
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touching story

Once there was a happily married couple with a baby on the way. One morning the wife's water broke and they rushed off to the hospital. While there the doctors told them there was a new machine that was developed which telepathically transfers  a certain percentage of pain to the father if they agreed. The couple agreed and the doctors sent 25 percent of the the pain. He didn't feel much so he asked the doctors to give him half the pain. After that he still felt nothing so the doctors decided to transfer all of the pan to him. Once again he felt nothing. With all the pain given to the father the mother had a pain free birth, and they got a beautiful baby girl. They came home a coupe of days later and found the mail man dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3upmt2/touching_story/
%
How come Peter Pan is always flying?

Because he Neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3upm57/how_come_peter_pan_is_always_flying/
%
Whats the difference between my sex life and my virginity?

I have a virginity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3upjn8/whats_the_difference_between_my_sex_life_and_my/
%
I was with a blind prostitute today

and she said I was the biggest she had ever had. She was just pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3upemg/i_was_with_a_blind_prostitute_today/
%
What's Captain Hook's favourite kind of shop?

The second hand shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3upd75/whats_captain_hooks_favourite_kind_of_shop/
%
What do Indian flowers grow?

Patels
(this may or may not have been inspired by a dumb facebook post I saw)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3upbd7/what_do_indian_flowers_grow/
%
The power of suggestion

Once, a hypnotist bombastically said he would take everyone in the hall together into a “let go” state of hypnosis all at once. “I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations,” he said. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth, while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…” The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.
Suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. “Shit,” said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre
(Credit Sadhguru on the Isha blog http://isha.sadhguru.org/blog/lifestyle/why-just-let-go-is-not-a-good-idea/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3upb9i/the_power_of_suggestion/
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I'm at an awkward weight

I'm fat enough to not look good with my shirt off, but not fat enough for it to become part of my charm.
I'm caught between a rock and a lard place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3upb0o/im_at_an_awkward_weight/
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A man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons,

his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...
"To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael , I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass building near tower bridge".
With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said "I never realised your husband was so wealthy, you and your sons are very lucky" His wife swiftly replied "Was he Hell !'' He was a "bloody window cleaner!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3up4jd/a_man_on_his_death_bed_requested_his_wife_3_sons/
%
I don't understand why women love singing "Let it go"...

...Since most of them keep grudges for life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3up38c/i_dont_understand_why_women_love_singing_let_it_go/
%
If I had a dime for every time a homeless person asked for money, I'd still say no.

- Bo Burnham.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3up2jl/if_i_had_a_dime_for_every_time_a_homeless_person/
%
Lesbian sex is like swimming. [NSFW]

It's not hard, and gets you wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3up22t/lesbian_sex_is_like_swimming_nsfw/
%
My dad posted a picture of his "Condom challenge fail"

It was a picture of me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uoyhy/my_dad_posted_a_picture_of_his_condom_challenge/
%
A little girl walks into a hair salon eating a twinkie

The stylist thinks nothing of it and begins to cut her hair. The cut hair falls and lands on her twinkie, so the stylist says "hey, your getting hair on your twinkie." The little girl smiles and jumps up and says "Yea, and im getting tits too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uoxat/a_little_girl_walks_into_a_hair_salon_eating_a/
%
"A teacher is teaching a class....!!!"

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she
asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are
left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot
scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor,
one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice
cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny
says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uotz9/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class/
%
Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means?...

Father: It means 'to be happy'.
&nbsp;
Son: Are you gay?
&nbsp;
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uoqp5/son_dad_what_does_gay_means/
%
Pro-life or Pro-choice?

I'm really unsure how to feel about planned parenthood and abortion. I mean, on one hand I'm all for killing babies but on the other I don't like giving women a choice.
Damn...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uoo6i/prolife_or_prochoice/
%
My grandfather got his tongue cut out in a POW camp

He doesn't like to talk about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uomug/my_grandfather_got_his_tongue_cut_out_in_a_pow/
%
A gun made by an SJW would be interesting

Because they'd remove the trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uoliv/a_gun_made_by_an_sjw_would_be_interesting/
%
What's the difference between you and a brick?

Bricks can get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uohd9/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_a_brick/
%
My girlfriend is like John Cena

I can't see her :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uoe6a/my_girlfriend_is_like_john_cena/
%
Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London.

After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’
The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’
The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’
The first one responds, ‘So am I!’
‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’
The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’
The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’
The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’
About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’
Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uodbd/two_men_were_sitting_next_to_each_other_at/
%
So an Australian wakes up from his coma in a hospital after a brutal car crash...

...and the first thing he sees is a beautiful nurse!
So he asks her, "Did I come here to die?"
The nurse replies, "Nope, you came here yesterday."
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uo85u/so_an_australian_wakes_up_from_his_coma_in_a/
%
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago

Since then my muggings have been much more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uo3bd/i_started_carrying_a_gun_after_an_attempted/
%
Someone knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to donate to the organization for children with no hands.

I started clapping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uo2c5/someone_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_if_i_wanted/
%
What do you call a male trapped in a female body?

A fetus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3unz8b/what_do_you_call_a_male_trapped_in_a_female_body/
%
Why Does The Bride Wear White?

So That The Dishwasher Matches The Fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3unyeu/why_does_the_bride_wear_white/
%
Batman was arrested today in the Vatican

He was released on Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3unust/batman_was_arrested_today_in_the_vatican/
%
All last night I dreamed I was a muffler...

I woke up exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3unt8e/all_last_night_i_dreamed_i_was_a_muffler/
%
Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads?

'Scurvy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3unrj2/why_dont_pirates_drive_on_mountain_roads/
%
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all sit down at a bar and order a beer...

...then three flies happen along, each one landing in the mug of its respective owner. The Englishman is repulsed and orders another. The Irishman gives him a dirty look, obviously finding his fey behaviour offensive, and flicks the fly from his mug, taking a long drink. Then both of them hear screaming. It's the Scotsman. They turn on their stools to find him holding the fly by the wings and hollering: "Cough it up, ya greedy bassa!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3unp0f/an_englishman_irishman_and_scotsman_all_sit_down/
%
[NSFW]What sets anal sex apart from regular sex?

Regular sex can make your day, but anal sex can make your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3unjxo/nsfwwhat_sets_anal_sex_apart_from_regular_sex/
%
The farmer asked the scarecrow why he keeps his job in the field...

The farmer asked the scarecrow why he keeps his job in the field. The scarecrow turned to the farmer and said, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay... it's in my jeans."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3unjqs/the_farmer_asked_the_scarecrow_why_he_keeps_his/
%
A dick has a sad life

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next-door neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3unjj3/a_dick_has_a_sad_life/
%
A man and his wife decide to have sex

But the wife isn't comfortable with their son, Johnny, being able to barge in on them during the act.
The man has an idea.
He goes up to his son, "Johnny,  let's make a deal. Stare out of the window and for every person dressed in black you see, I'll give you a dollar."
Johnny agrees and the man and his wife go off to quietly have sex.
A few minutes go by..
"Dad you owe me a dollar!"
Another few, "Dad, you owe me two!"
There is a period of silence from little Johnny until he exclaims, "Dad, a prostitute would have been cheaper! There is a whole funeral procession outside."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3unje4/a_man_and_his_wife_decide_to_have_sex/
%
I don't know why I just bought some coconut shampoo

I haven't even got any coconuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3unhqk/i_dont_know_why_i_just_bought_some_coconut_shampoo/
%
I asked my North Korean friend how things were over there.

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3unfmt/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_things_were/
%
A gay deer walks into a bar

After a long night he comes stumbling out and says, "I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks in there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uneiw/a_gay_deer_walks_into_a_bar/
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Court Room

Q:   'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the  scene?'
A:   'No sir. But  I subsequently observed a person matching the  description of the offender, running several blocks  away.'
Q:   'Officer -- who  provided this description?'
A:    'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q:   'A fellow officer provided  the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust  your fellow officers?'
A:    'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q:    'With your life? Let me ask you this then  officer. Do you have a room where you change your  clothes in preparation for your daily  duties?'
A:   'Yes sir, we  do!'
Q:   'And do you have a  locker in the room?'
A:    'Yes, sir, ... I do.'
Q:  'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A:    'Yes, sir.'
Q:    'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you  trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it  necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with  these same officers?'
A:   'You  see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk  through that room.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3undqr/court_room/
%
I used to think math was useless.

But then one day I realized that decimals had a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3unbw2/i_used_to_think_math_was_useless/
%
A man drives through a stop sign..

A cop pulls him over and asks for his information.
"Sir, you just drove through that intersection without stopping."
"Aww come on, it's not a big deal..I slowed down!"
The officer steps back, looking down at his feet, all of a sudden he pulls out his night stick and starts beating the man.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!" The man screams.
"Would you like me to slow down, or stop?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3unbt7/a_man_drives_through_a_stop_sign/
%
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

...except for polio

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3un9ta/what_doesnt_kill_you_makes_you_stronger/
%
Joining the church and . . .

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."  And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3un8aa/joining_the_church_and/
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After much debate comparing early black communities to modern during all these officer related shootings

They have decided water hoses weren't so bad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3un4yl/after_much_debate_comparing_early_black/
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[NSFW]How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb in a basement?

More than three, apparently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3un4ss/nsfwhow_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change/
%
British people are always recording their finances

because the camera adds ten pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3un4mu/british_people_are_always_recording_their_finances/
%
Confucius Say: He who drop watch in toilet...

Bound to have shitty time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3un4ll/confucius_say_he_who_drop_watch_in_toilet/
%
Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help.

We got it off her eventually

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3un0ns/just_saw_a_couple_of_dudes_trying_to_grab_an_old/
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A bus stops in New York and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following(italian accent):
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together       again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. '
Who talkin' bouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3umsql/a_bus_stops_in_new_york_and_2_italian_men_get_on/
%
What's the difference between a protein and a hormone?

You can't hear a protein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3umj90/whats_the_difference_between_a_protein_and_a/
%
An Irishman walks out of a bar...

It could happen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3umh7d/an_irishman_walks_out_of_a_bar/
%
Angel's Food vs. Devil's Food

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3umdw2/angels_food_vs_devils_food/
%
Why was Tigger always filthy?

Because he was playing with Pooh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3um9yy/why_was_tigger_always_filthy/
%
What do you call it when you go down on a paraplegic?

Meals on wheels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3um6n0/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_go_down_on_a/
%
Three stereotypical ethnically diverse explorers are captured by cannibals..

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are out exploring the rainforest but are captured by cannibals. The chief informs them their fate which is to eventually be killed, eaten and their skins turned into canoes.  The cannibals, not wishing to appear uncivilised in all this offer each of their captives a last request.  The Scotsman asks for whisky.  His request is granted, he drinks it and he's hauled away.  The Irishman asks for poteen, downs it and he too is hauled away to meet his fate.  The Englishman asks for a fork.  The chief grants this odd request and watches confused and horrified as the Englshman proceeds to violently stab himself with the fork.  "Wait!  Wait!  We can kill you much more humanely than that!"   The chief protests.  "Fuck your canoe" the Englishman replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3um538/three_stereotypical_ethnically_diverse_explorers/
%
$100 Bill

A: Why are you late?
B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
B: No, I was standing on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3um4cd/100_bill/
%
I'm thinking of writing a Mystery novel...

or am I?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3um2q4/im_thinking_of_writing_a_mystery_novel/
%
Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving.

The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking."
The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks.
"No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?"
"We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uly00/two_guys_get_pulled_over_while_drinking_and/
%
Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ulx1z/why_is_divorce_so_expensive/
%
Having a wife is like a grenade

You pull the ring off, and your house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ulveg/having_a_wife_is_like_a_grenade/
%
If you ever have to go through job applications, throw half of them away randomly

You don't want to hire anyone unlucky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uluax/if_you_ever_have_to_go_through_job_applications/
%
How does Moses make his coffee?

He brews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ulsip/how_does_moses_make_his_coffee/
%
Why did the ghost cross the road?

To come back from the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ulrt1/why_did_the_ghost_cross_the_road/
%
How do you kill a guy with a coconut allergy?

You put a bounty on his head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ulrc2/how_do_you_kill_a_guy_with_a_coconut_allergy/
%
The best part of being a crackhead....

Only two more sleeps until Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ulo4p/the_best_part_of_being_a_crackhead/
%
Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ullvl/photographers_are_so_violent/
%
So the other day, my friend told me that I have no idea what irony meant...

Which was pretty ironic, considering we were at a bus stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ull0a/so_the_other_day_my_friend_told_me_that_i_have_no/
%
What is Dracula's favorite pick-up line?

Hey baby, nice jugulars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ulkpu/what_is_draculas_favorite_pickup_line/
%
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "Uno....dos....*poof*"

He disappeared without a tres

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ulhys/a_mexican_magician_says_he_will_disappear_on_the/
%
A guy was walking to a bar...

...and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ulbjo/a_guy_was_walking_to_a_bar/
%
I just learned that a woman can get pregnant through anal sex.

Where do you think lawyers come from?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ul8yd/i_just_learned_that_a_woman_can_get_pregnant/
%
Incest for favours.

A 18 year old girl wonders into the living room to ask her father if she could borrow 100 dollars. He says no initially so the teenager starts to beg.
"Please dad, I really need some money tonight."
"No."
"Please please, I'll do anything you want."
"Hmm... Anything?"
"Yes anything, I promise, if you give me the money."
"Give me a blowjob. Just like your mother used to."
She ponders for a second and decides what the hell, it's just a blowjob. So she agrees, her father unzips and she starts to get to work. A few seconds later she jolts backwards with a disgusted look on her face.
"Oh Jesus dad, why the hell does your cock taste like shit?!" Her father grins before replying.
"Your brother wanted to borrow the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ul8pm/incest_for_favours/
%
Where do you find a dog that has no legs?

Where you left it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ukvyg/where_do_you_find_a_dog_that_has_no_legs/
%
What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common?

Bad blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uknmz/what_do_taylor_swift_and_charlie_sheen_have_in/
%
There are 5 Types of Matter...

Gas
Solid
Liquid
Plasma
and most importantly
Black Lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ukegp/there_are_5_types_of_matter/
%
I joined this church cause they said it was free.

Turns out it's pray-to-win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uk72p/i_joined_this_church_cause_they_said_it_was_free/
%
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos here" said the bartender.

A neutrino walked into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uk3r5/we_dont_allow_faster_than_light_neutrinos_here/
%
A lawyer's dog

, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.
The contents read
"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ujyzu/a_lawyers_dog/
%
How do Mexicans cut their Pizza?

With Little Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ujvl6/how_do_mexicans_cut_their_pizza/
%
Have you ever woken up because of a boner?

Alarm cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ujtf1/have_you_ever_woken_up_because_of_a_boner/
%
Have you heard of the, great, ancient Greek philosopher Mediocrates?

His primary philosophical viewpoint is "eeeeehhh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ujqfo/have_you_heard_of_the_great_ancient_greek/
%
Theory vs reality

A boy comes home with the assignment of learning theory vs reality. So he asks his dad for help. "Ok son, ask your sister if she'd sleep with Justin Bieber for a million bucks." Kid comes back and says "Yeah dad she would."
"Ok now ask your mom if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks." Kid ask his mom. "Mom said she sure would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks."
Dad says "Now in THEORY we have two million dollars, in REALITY..... we live with a couple of whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ujq6b/theory_vs_reality/
%
Where did Hitler send his Oranges?

The concentration camps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ujmdn/where_did_hitler_send_his_oranges/
%
A Woman Goes To The Doctor Worried About Her Husband's Temper

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ujlj2/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_worried_about_her/
%
What do the Kardashians and penises have in common?

They are both stuck up cunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ujja8/what_do_the_kardashians_and_penises_have_in_common/
%
A man and his friend walk into a bar and see 5 roosters...

A man and his friend walk into a bar and see 5 black roosters and two white cats. He asks his friend "between the five roosters how many feet do they have?"
His friend responds "Ten of course!"
"Right, and between the roosters how many beaks do they have?"
"Five of course!"
"Right! And between the two white cats how many whiskers do they have?"
His friend looks confused for a minute... "I have no idea."
"So... How do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ujgij/a_man_and_his_friend_walk_into_a_bar_and_see_5/
%
Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter?

Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ujcfv/why_does_it_suck_to_work_for_the_nsa_during_the/
%
Who the hell is this Rorschach guy?

And why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ujc7i/who_the_hell_is_this_rorschach_guy/
%
How to get a millionaire husband

marry a billionaire man, then proceed to divorce him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ujbxu/how_to_get_a_millionaire_husband/
%
Why can't mexicans play uno?

They steal all the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ujbv5/why_cant_mexicans_play_uno/
%
I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....

The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ujbih/i_saved_15_on_car_insurance_by_switching/
%
The CS:GO Joke.

In a COMP match in CSGO how many people does Olofmeister kill?
Olofem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uja1v/the_csgo_joke/
%
Why are the undead so angry all the time?

They have mummy issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uj9bd/why_are_the_undead_so_angry_all_the_time/
%
How do inbreds trace their family tree?

They go to incestry.com

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uj6wn/how_do_inbreds_trace_their_family_tree/
%
What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uj57k/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_lady_and/
%
STEAK AND SEX

A: What does a good steak have in common with good sex?
B: They're both very rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uj3q4/steak_and_sex/
%
Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uiy16/is_google_male_or_female/
%
Why did Han go out Black Friday shopping.?

... because the prices were Solo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uiwjh/why_did_han_go_out_black_friday_shopping/
%
Mohammad is a great name for a businessman

It's all about the prophet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uiv9h/mohammad_is_a_great_name_for_a_businessman/
%
What do you call a pizzeria run by epileptic midgets?

Little Seizures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uiu90/what_do_you_call_a_pizzeria_run_by_epileptic/
%
My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs". While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you". "you're lying", OK I will prove it  "Dad, did you say both of them?"
"what's the point of fucking one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uisua/my_dad_told_me_i_should_fuck_both_of_you/
%
A neutron walks into a bar

and asks, "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uiq18/a_neutron_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uioon/why_did_adele_cross_the_road/
%
I saw my ex while taking a test today

wonder if she cheated on that too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uin18/i_saw_my_ex_while_taking_a_test_today/
%
I asked a Chinese girl for her number.....

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uijzo/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
%
I bet you didn't know...

I bet you didn't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled  for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of  mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uih2m/i_bet_you_didnt_know/
%
I once asked an Irishman "Why do the Irish always answer questions with another question?"

He said, "do we now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uifpz/i_once_asked_an_irishman_why_do_the_irish_always/
%
Need to build an Ark?

I Noah man...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uibc5/need_to_build_an_ark/
%
I cried when my dad chopped up onions

onions was a good dog :c

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uib81/i_cried_when_my_dad_chopped_up_onions/
%
I don't know how to act my age

I've never been this old before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ui9nr/i_dont_know_how_to_act_my_age/
%
Tell the punchline first.

How do you ruin a good joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhxt8/tell_the_punchline_first/
%
Some acids walked into the enemy base...

Threat Neutralized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhx3z/some_acids_walked_into_the_enemy_base/
%
Four Engineers get into a car.

The car won't start.
The mechanical engineer says: "There must be a problem with the gear box."
The electrical engineer says: "It must have a broken starter."
The chemical engineer says: "There must be something wrong with the fuel"
The IT engineer says: "Hey, let's all get out of the car and get back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhvef/four_engineers_get_into_a_car/
%
Handed in an assignment late today, looks like my teacher is giving black Friday deals too.

50% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhtnt/handed_in_an_assignment_late_today_looks_like_my/
%
Sunday School

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"
But April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.  "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.  This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhsxj/sunday_school/
%
So Donald Trump wants to be president and move into the white house. Why not?

It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
*credits to Snoop Dogg @ Donald Trump roast*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhr6r/so_donald_trump_wants_to_be_president_and_move/
%
How do you say goodbye to an Indonesian?

with a big wave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhqn2/how_do_you_say_goodbye_to_an_indonesian/
%
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhpjq/scientists_have_grown_human_vocal_chords_in_a/
%
Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

Because Somalia doesn't have an education system

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhom4/why_cant_pirates_learn_the_alphabet/
%
Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhnng/money_or_sex/
%
Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
A key

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhnbb/oldest_known_british_joke_from_10th_century_ad/
%
What's not 50% off today?

Health insurance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhllh/whats_not_50_off_today/
%
What do you call a fraud in a Candle factory?

A Scandle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhilk/what_do_you_call_a_fraud_in_a_candle_factory/
%
I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order.

People ask me 'Where do you find the time?'
I say 'It's right there next to the sage'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhhbx/i_like_to_plant_my_herbs_in_alphabetical_order/
%
What losses its head in the morning and gets it back in the evening?

A pillow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhfmg/what_losses_its_head_in_the_morning_and_gets_it/
%
What do you call a whore's laughter?

Ho hos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhd23/what_do_you_call_a_whores_laughter/
%
President Bush is sitting in a Cabinet meeting...

One of his intelligence officers enters and tells him, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."
The President exclaims, "Oh my God!" and buries his head in his hands.
The entire Cabinet is shocked. The President receives reports like this on a daily basis, and doesn't flinch.
Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a Brazilian?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhc23/president_bush_is_sitting_in_a_cabinet_meeting/
%
What is the difference between a Paul Blart Mall Cop Movie and a mosquito?

If you slap the mosquito it will stop sucking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhb5u/what_is_the_difference_between_a_paul_blart_mall/
%
What did Rihanna say to her grandma with Alzheimer's?

Oh na na, what's my name?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uhb0a/what_did_rihanna_say_to_her_grandma_with/
%
how many babies does it take to paint a wall.

depends how hard you throw them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uh9sc/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_wall/
%
Right and Wrong

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uh7vu/right_and_wrong/
%
How many black people does it take to start a riot?

-1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uh2bw/how_many_black_people_does_it_take_to_start_a_riot/
%
What do chinese people do when they have an erection?

they vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ugybc/what_do_chinese_people_do_when_they_have_an/
%
Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny

Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ugw1k/johnny_threw_a_pack_of_cards_at_jenny/
%
A guy walks into a bookstore...

and asks the clerk, "do you have the new book by Donald Trump about deporting all the Muslims in the U.S.?"
Stunned, the clerk responds, "are you kidding me? Get the hell out of here!"
"That's it! Do you have it in paperpack?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ugtg9/a_guy_walks_into_a_bookstore/
%
If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ugrgv/if_you_give_a_man_a_fish_he_eats_for_a_day/
%
My dad just lost his leg in a motorcycle accident

Now his feet only smell half as bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ugplu/my_dad_just_lost_his_leg_in_a_motorcycle_accident/
%
If you want to break your addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers...

you need to quit cold turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ugoz9/if_you_want_to_break_your_addiction_to/
%
What is the difference between a painting and jesus?

A painting only need one nail to hang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ugl54/what_is_the_difference_between_a_painting_and/
%
A Bulgarian, French and US soldier died and went to hell.

The devil was in a good mood so he offered them a deal:
> I have two simple task for you. If you pass them I will let you go to heaven, if not - eternal damnation.
Having no other option, the soldiers agreed.
> For the first task go away and bring back the weapon you defended your country with.
So the soldiers did.
The Bulgarian came back with a small gun and the French with a bazooka.
> For the second task - shove them up your as and fire them once.
The Bulgarian shoved the little gun up his backside, pulled the trigger and instantly was granted wings and ascended to heaven.
Seeing this, the Frenchman started pushing the bazooka in. As the devil watched, he saw that the soldier will push-cry-laugh, push-cry-laugh...
> Why are you crying?
Asked the devil.
> I'm in pain.
> Then, why are you laughing?
> Oh, don't mind me... The American is bringing a tank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uggwu/a_bulgarian_french_and_us_soldier_died_and_went/
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A Greek businessman goes to Germany

to buy machinery for his new business and goes to a visit to the factory from where he plans to buy the machinery, and the Manager of that Factory is giving him a tour around and suddenly with the whistle he has he whistles once and at that very moment hundreds of workers stop working. Surprised the Greek asks him what is going on. The German says oh nothing important, they are told they can leave now for lunch. Moments later the German whistles again twice and all the workers come back to their workplaces. The greek goes nuts. German says he has no time to loose but wants talk business, asks tge Greek "Have you already decided about the machinery you want to buy". The Greek says fuck the Machinery, How much for that whistle?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uge11/a_greek_businessman_goes_to_germany/
%
Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ugdrv/why_cant_pirates_learn_the_alphabet/
%
What does a Japanese chicken wear to a meeting?

A hentai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ugbvl/what_does_a_japanese_chicken_wear_to_a_meeting/
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A father and a son

one day were walking down a road when the little Johnny sees a beetle laying on the ground with his feet up and asks his father "Dad what's wrong with that beetle?", his dad tells him that the beetle has died and has his feet up because it will be easier for God to pick him up to the heaven when he comes down. And the Johnny starts crying and tells his Dad that his mother was going to die too, Dad: "What, how!". Johnny: "This morning, she was holding her feet up and screaming oh God I am coming, luckily the neighbour was there holding her down"
sorry english not my first language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ugbsy/a_father_and_a_son/
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For my next party trick I'll swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they'll come out of my ass tied together....

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ug433/for_my_next_party_trick_ill_swallow_two_pieces_of/
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How can you tell between a graphic designer and recruiter?

Ask them to pronounce "hires"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ufyth/how_can_you_tell_between_a_graphic_designer_and/
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A man was eaten when he attempted to tell a joke directly to a crocodile's mouth.

He didn't live to tell the tail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ufwyq/a_man_was_eaten_when_he_attempted_to_tell_a_joke/
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Non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister.

It tastes the same but it's still wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ufwot/nonalcoholic_beer_is_like_eating_out_your_sister/
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My friend just sent this to me...

On a New York sidewalk, an Indian is enjoying a hearty breakfast "Coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc"
While an American, chewing a gum, sat next to him and started an unwanted conversation.
American: You Indians eat the whole bread?
Indian: Ofcourse!
American: (Blowing bubbles with his gum) we don't.
We, Americans only eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle, make these into croissants and sell these to India.
American: Do you eat jam with bread?
Indian: Ofcourse!
American: We don't.
We eat fruits at breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and leftovers into containers, turn these into jam and sell it to India.
Indian: Do you have sex in America?
American: Ofcourse, we do!
Indian: What do you do with the condoms?
American: We throw them, of course!
Indian: We don't. In India, we put them into containers, recycle them, turn them into chewing gums and sell it to America!
Khaalllaaaaasssss ...😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ufw1w/my_friend_just_sent_this_to_me/
%
What rock group has 4 members that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ufvjb/what_rock_group_has_4_members_that_dont_sing/
%
What do you call a rock band with a perfectionist in it?

OCDC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ufrph/what_do_you_call_a_rock_band_with_a_perfectionist/
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What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ufqc7/whats_the_difference_between_a_gspot_and_a_golf/
%
On any normal day, Black Lives Matter....

But on Black Friday, no lives matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ufons/on_any_normal_day_black_lives_matter/
%
So i went to my first fight club gathering

I arrived a little late, so i did not catch the first part, but i had a great time. I recommend it to everybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ufo31/so_i_went_to_my_first_fight_club_gathering/
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Getting the promotion [NSFW]

A woman enters her boss's office asking for a promotion...
Woman: I feel I'm in line for a promotion.
Boss: Hmm. Ok. Give me a 20 minute blowjob and I'll give you the promotion.
She gets on her knees and blows him for 20 minutes.
Boss: See that wasn't so bad was it?
Woman: No. But it kind of tasted like shit.
Boss: David asked for a raise this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ufm7g/getting_the_promotion_nsfw/
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My 13 year old told me this joke....

Him: I want to start a dating website for Indians....
Me: a dating website for indians? [scratching my head wtf]
Him: yeah I am going to call it connect the dots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ufiki/my_13_year_old_told_me_this_joke/
%
How much does a Satanist weigh?

A pentagram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uf9im/how_much_does_a_satanist_weigh/
%
What do America and Russia have in common?

They both want to kill turkey this thanksgiving

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uf9cz/what_do_america_and_russia_have_in_common/
%
Why did the train get hit by lighting?

Because of the conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uf8r0/why_did_the_train_get_hit_by_lighting/
%
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
(Joke from a co-worker)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uf69u/i_asked_a_librarian_if_she_had_a_book_about/
%
Why does Irish bean soup have exactly 239 beans in it?

(Irish accent) Because one more and it would be too farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uf5u6/why_does_irish_bean_soup_have_exactly_239_beans/
%
Did you hear about the guy who was on trial for masturbating to obscure court cases?

He got off on a technicality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uf1fl/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_was_on_trial_for/
%
How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well it depends on what you mean by change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uf10m/how_many_philosophers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I have a friend from Armenia who disagrees with everything I say just for the heck of it.

He's such a Contrarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uf0mr/i_have_a_friend_from_armenia_who_disagrees_with/
%
A big-city lawyer was representing.....

......the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uf0fl/a_bigcity_lawyer_was_representing/
%
I walked up to a girl and said, "If you were a drug, I would overdose!"

She said, "Thanks."
I said, "Then you wouldn't be able to ruin my life any more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ueyu1/i_walked_up_to_a_girl_and_said_if_you_were_a_drug/
%
I ate so much at Thanksgiving,

I had to loosen my Fitbit.
(Credit to my future mother-in-law for this suprise zinger)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uetue/i_ate_so_much_at_thanksgiving/
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What do you call children who are born into a Whorehouse?

Brothel Sprouts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uetgk/what_do_you_call_children_who_are_born_into_a/
%
I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie

But some people say that's irrational...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ueslh/i_think_my_favorite_thanksgiving_food_is_pie/
%
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uerf8/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_luke_was_getting/
%
What do you call a smart knife?

Cleaver!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uelpg/what_do_you_call_a_smart_knife/
%
Auto correct got me arrested while proclaiming my love to my crush.

Apparently there is no explanation for saying "I wish you were nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ueles/auto_correct_got_me_arrested_while_proclaiming_my/
%
Why did George Lucas Cross The Road?

To urinate on my childhood and sell it back to be on blu-ray for $80.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uek1k/why_did_george_lucas_cross_the_road/
%
What do you get when you expose an infant to high levels of radiation?

Arrested you sick fuck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uej91/what_do_you_get_when_you_expose_an_infant_to_high/
%
How do dating sites in Alabama save money?

They link to Ancestry.com

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ueh5f/how_do_dating_sites_in_alabama_save_money/
%
How does a jew get his beer?

He brews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uebir/how_does_a_jew_get_his_beer/
%
What did Moses say to the guy who wanted a boat

I Noah guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ueabd/what_did_moses_say_to_the_guy_who_wanted_a_boat/
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What does Miley Cyrus serve on Thanksgiving?

Twerky.
Compliments of my 6 year old son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ue98b/what_does_miley_cyrus_serve_on_thanksgiving/
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Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

She grew out of her B-shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ue921/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_seashells/
%
What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ue305/what_did_the_circus_owner_say_to_the/
%
What do Asian pirates do?

They fry pranes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ue2w3/what_do_asian_pirates_do/
%
Donald Trump has been saying he will run for president as a Republican.

Which is surprising, since I just assumed he was running as a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ue1nd/donald_trump_has_been_saying_he_will_run_for/
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What is the most recycled joke that keeps getting used?

Your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ue1cx/what_is_the_most_recycled_joke_that_keeps_getting/
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I think my coffee pot is an alcoholic

It gets drunk at least once a day even when no one else is around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3udyw3/i_think_my_coffee_pot_is_an_alcoholic/
%
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3udyvy/teacher_anyone_who_thinks_hes_stupid_may_stand_up/
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Nerds

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."
The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"
The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3udxns/nerds/
%
What's the Difference Between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3udt7e/whats_the_difference_between_john_wayne_and_jack/
%
What do you call a skinny person that identifies as obese?

A trans fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uds5y/what_do_you_call_a_skinny_person_that_identifies/
%
It's Thanksgiving, who doesn't like Turkey?

Russia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3udrzl/its_thanksgiving_who_doesnt_like_turkey/
%
Batman giving his Batmobile to robin

Batman: Robin, im giving you my Batmobile.
Robin: aww really batman? thanks!
Batman: yes, its 555-522-8626

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3udnfk/batman_giving_his_batmobile_to_robin/
%
How do you catch a dyslexic fish?

Ya get it Hooked on Phonics!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3udm0q/how_do_you_catch_a_dyslexic_fish/
%
What does a limp dick and a king cobra have in common?

You don't fuck with either of em!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3udkam/what_does_a_limp_dick_and_a_king_cobra_have_in/
%
Just bought a guitar.

The sale felt a little dodgy, lots of strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3udh8i/just_bought_a_guitar/
%
Guy bursts into a dentist's office

and says "HEY, listen here buddy, you have to help me NOW: my teeth are SO sensitive they can sense impending EARTHQUAKES"  the dentist looked at him sternly for a moment and said "you've got some nerve"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3udf2p/guy_bursts_into_a_dentists_office/
%
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3udau1/whats_the_difference_between_a_genealogist_and_a/
%
What Does A Nazi Turkey Say?

Goebbels, Goebbels, Goebbels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ud7bk/what_does_a_nazi_turkey_say/
%
I told my wife I like my apples like I like my penis

In cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ud6is/i_told_my_wife_i_like_my_apples_like_i_like_my/
%
Apparently my friends think I'm paranoid.

I fucking knew it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uczi3/apparently_my_friends_think_im_paranoid/
%
My friend thanked me for inviting him along to Fight Club.

I replied "Don't mention it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ucywj/my_friend_thanked_me_for_inviting_him_along_to/
%
In the stock market today

Helium was up, feathers were down, paper was stationary, Fluorescent lights were down in light trading, knives were up sharply, pencil were down a few points, elevators were up and down, escalators experienced a slight decline, mining equipment hit rock bottom, the market for raisins dried up, vacuum cleaners picked up, caravans were trailing, socks were unchanged, balloon prices were inflated, and the bottom fell out of disposable diapers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ucwkl/in_the_stock_market_today/
%
What's a terrorists favorite sex toy? [NSFW]

A blow up doll!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ucvko/whats_a_terrorists_favorite_sex_toy_nsfw/
%
The inventor of large scholarly books showed me his factory.

He said, "Make yourself a tome."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ucmkc/the_inventor_of_large_scholarly_books_showed_me/
%
Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ucl1n/understanding_engineers/
%
A cowboy walks into a saloon…

and orders himself a drink at the bar counter. Turning to the fellow sitting next to him, he slowly utters, “Combat. Battle. Warfare. Skirmish. Brawl. Scuffle.”
The other man slams his glass down on the counter, gets up out of his seat, turns to face the cowboy, and says, “Hey, them’s fightin’ words!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uckyv/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_saloon/
%
Daddy, is Santa coming tonight?

No sweetie, mommy has a headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uciuh/daddy_is_santa_coming_tonight/
%
I've just bought a house with period features

She hates that nickname.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ucgp6/ive_just_bought_a_house_with_period_features/
%
Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?

So no one would tell him how to make Adam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ucgb3/why_did_god_create_adam_before_he_created_eve/
%
I just saw two really large spiders dancing to some 1980s music.

I think they were Duran Durantulas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ucg4v/i_just_saw_two_really_large_spiders_dancing_to/
%
So I got a new job, and at the interview they told me I would be making millions...

I'll be working at the U.S. Mint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ucc86/so_i_got_a_new_job_and_at_the_interview_they_told/
%
When I said I wanted an origami book...

I didn't mean a regular book in the shape of a butterfly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ucblv/when_i_said_i_wanted_an_origami_book/
%
Two fishermen caught a mermaid.

One of them holding the mermaid in his arms looked at her attentively and threw her back into the sea.
But why? - asked the other fisherman.
But how? - answered the first one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uc9g2/two_fishermen_caught_a_mermaid/
%
The Pink Panther made a list of things he had to do, and it was called...

To do, to do, to do to do to do, to do, to dooooooo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uc749/the_pink_panther_made_a_list_of_things_he_had_to/
%
What's annoying about going 90 in a school zone?

The screaming speed bumps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uc67r/whats_annoying_about_going_90_in_a_school_zone/
%
I was in a tailor.

I said to the guy, "I need something for a wedding."
"What's that?" he queried.
"A woman that really loves me." I wept, leaving the shop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uc5o8/i_was_in_a_tailor/
%
I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uc4hh/im_sexually_attracted_to_metal_boxes_with_locking/
%
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uc324/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Real Rabbi Joke

OK - so many years ago, i was actually a practicing jew, in a yeshiva no less. The rabbi's would sometimes tell us jokes. most were awful. this one i thought was amusing. in a reddit filled with old reposts, i think it'll at least be a bit fresh.
A long time ago there was a small jewish community is a very anti-semitic christian european town. The anti-semitism reached such a fever pitch that the christian community members wanted to run the jews out of town, but the local bishop, who was effectively the mayor, had the last say.
"We cannot simply run them out of town", he said, "without at least giving them a chance to defend themselves. Let them know that one week from this Sunday, in the town square, I will personally challenge a champion of their choosing to a battle of spiritual purity. It will be a silent battle of the wits. If they lose, they must leave the town. But if I am bested, they may stay."
So word reached back into the synagogue, and they were all veklempt. "Who are we gonna send??" They had no idea what they were in for, but finally, good old Shmueli volunteered. The congregation was anxious, but hopeful that somehow shmueli could save them.
The next sunday, with much pomp and circumstance the bishop and shmueli faced off in the town square. After staring at each other for a few moments, the Cardinal rapidly lifted up one finger into the air and held it - the challenge had begun.
Shmueli, with a stern look on his face, quickly raised two fingers in the air.
The bishop lowered his hand, and nodded.. impressed at the prowess of his competitor.
Then the bishop lifted up his hand above his head - palm open and fingers spread apart.
The crowd gasped as Shmuelli responded by making a firm first held close to his heart.
Again, the bishop nodded- somewhat surprised at the response. This 'shmueli' was a worthy adversary.
Finally the bishop motioned to an assistant and whispered in his ear. Moments later, the assistant handed the bishop a bottle of red wine. The bishop showed this off to the crowd who murmured in confusion.
At this, shmueli motioned to his friend yitzchak, and with a few quiet words, moments later yitzchak handed shmueli a wheel of white cheese, which he held aloft.
At this, the bishop bowed his head, and said quietly, "the battle is over. Shmeuli has bested me. The jews may stay."
The jews cheered and danced all the way back to the synagogue, carrying shmueli on their shoulders.
When they had all gone, all that was left were the christian community members, standing around the bishop in stunned silence. Finally, one asked: "Bishop, what happened? we didn't understand the battle. How did he beat you?"
The bishop responded, "ah.. shmueli is a wise man. At first i lifted up one finger to say that there is only one god, and that is the lord - to which shmueli responded with two fingers.. saying yes, but the lord can be worshipped in more than one way."
"then i lifted up my hand, fingers spread out, to say - the jewish people are scattered and formless across the earth! Without a homeland or center - vagrants and vagabonds!"
To this, shmueli held a fist over his heart - saying that above all else, the jewish people are united with one heart - and that overcomes and separation in the world."
Finally, was my last and most brutal accusation - with the bottle of wine i said that the jews' sins are as red as the wine i hold - a simple fact to which i can accept no denial.
And to this, shmueli responded with a wheel of white cheese. Saying yes, but through devotion and love of god, our sins may be transmuted into purity and light."
The crowd was awed. This champion of the jews had earned his victory. They all slowly shuffled off to their homes.
Meanwhile... back int he synagogue..
"Hey shmueli!!" said avram.. "what the heck was dat all about!?"
"Well", said shmueli.."it was really pretty straight forward. First he lifts up a finger like he's a'gonna poke my eye out.. so i says, 'you poke MY eye out, im gonna poke BOTH you eyes out!'
Then he lifts his hand like he's gonna give me a smack.. so i says with my fist 'watch out or i'll clock you one too!'
Finally, i guess he felt bad and wanted to make nice and have a party. So i said sure!! you bring the wine, i'll bring the cheese!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uc1h0/real_rabbi_joke/
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That awkward moment when...

... you realise the entire run of "How I Met Your Mother" was one big Ted talk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uc0wr/that_awkward_moment_when/
%
What's the difference between parsley and pubic hair?

Nothing. You push them both aside and keep on eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ubyvk/whats_the_difference_between_parsley_and_pubic/
%
Where does steel wool come from?

Hydraulic rams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uby6m/where_does_steel_wool_come_from/
%
What do you call a turkey with no arms?

a turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ubvws/what_do_you_call_a_turkey_with_no_arms/
%
What's the opposite of an antijoke?

An unclejoke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ubowr/whats_the_opposite_of_an_antijoke/
%
If I could, I'd wear plaid every day.

But I feel as though doing that would cross several lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ubnet/if_i_could_id_wear_plaid_every_day/
%
What do boobs and margaritas have in common?

One is not enough. Three is to many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ubmc6/what_do_boobs_and_margaritas_have_in_common/
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Hung Chow is sick

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ubjzj/hung_chow_is_sick/
%
Mickey and Minnie Mouse get a divorce

While in court, the judge says, "Minnie, according to Mickey, the reason behind this divorce is that you are crazy." Mickey quickly yells, "No! That's not what I said. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ubgon/mickey_and_minnie_mouse_get_a_divorce/
%
Pedophiles are basically another form of hipsters...

... they are into people before it's cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ub4ev/pedophiles_are_basically_another_form_of_hipsters/
%
The old couple next door.

A young, friendly neighborhood couple were making their first visit to a very old couple next door. They were impressed by the way the old man preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the young husband leaned over and said to the old man, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ub20i/the_old_couple_next_door/
%
What noise does a Nintendo ambulance make?

Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ub1j4/what_noise_does_a_nintendo_ambulance_make/
%
What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?

UCLA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uaznc/what_happens_when_the_smog_lifts_over_los_angeles/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture only takes one nail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uaxqb/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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The Mafia secret

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uawr5/the_mafia_secret/
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What's the most popular board game in Canada

Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uavm4/whats_the_most_popular_board_game_in_canada/
%
When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.
Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.
I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).
Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.
My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.
After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.
Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.
My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.
Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her.
But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.
A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.
But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone.
It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uat2a/when_i_was_about_17_or_18_i_first_noticed_that_my/
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Where does a dog go to buy shoes?

Reebark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uakg9/where_does_a_dog_go_to_buy_shoes/
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They say if you sit on your hand until it falls asleep then jack off it feels like someone is giving you a handjob. (NSFW)

My girlfriend told me she did the same thing with her pinky and it felt like I was fucking her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uak22/they_say_if_you_sit_on_your_hand_until_it_falls/
%
So my penis used to be in the Guinness book of world records

I'm not allowed in Barnes and Noble anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uaixk/so_my_penis_used_to_be_in_the_guinness_book_of/
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I was down in the sleazy part of town last night and saw this guy selling sneakers, he looked a bit like a druggy, but I bought a pair off him anyway

I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uafur/i_was_down_in_the_sleazy_part_of_town_last_night/
%
What's better than roses on my piano?

tulips on my organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uadzj/whats_better_than_roses_on_my_piano/
%
Thank you student loans for helping me get through college and for all that you've done for me!

I don't know how I'll ever repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uadg7/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/
%
I was on the beach with my wife.

"My business is failing, nobody is buying my product," I told her.
An old man, who was completely naked, overheard and walked over. He said, "That's interesting."
"You are completely naked," I frowned, "There are children on this beach."
He said, "Well at least I know my target market."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uac1n/i_was_on_the_beach_with_my_wife/
%
Russian news report from 1960's

China has escalated the Far East conflict once again.  This morning at 09-00 hours, a Chinese fighter jet opened fire on a Russian tractor that was peacefully ploughing the fields.
Eyewitnesses report the tractor returned fire with anti-air missiles, performed vertical takeoff, and flew off on an unidentified heading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ua9s6/russian_news_report_from_1960s/
%
I saw a VW hybrid today.

It runs on gasoline and lies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ua9p8/i_saw_a_vw_hybrid_today/
%
I named my penis Richard

That's long for Dick
Hey - at least it's not another Turkey joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ua811/i_named_my_penis_richard/
%
What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ua7zr/what_do_americans_and_putin_have_in_common/
%
My favorite pickup line...

the Ford F Series

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ua7sc/my_favorite_pickup_line/
%
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?

Fitting in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ua3pk/whats_the_hardest_part_about_being_a_pedophile/
%
I had a race with an Asian today...

It was a Thai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ua02k/i_had_a_race_with_an_asian_today/
%
Understanding women is like...

Smelling the color 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u9s4h/understanding_women_is_like/
%
You know what's really odd?

Numbers not divisible by 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u9lnz/you_know_whats_really_odd/
%
Did you hear about the French boat with five holes in it?

It cinq!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u9lby/did_you_hear_about_the_french_boat_with_five/
%
You cant run through a campground ..

You can only ran ... because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u9j31/you_cant_run_through_a_campground/
%
So my girlfriend and my mom have never met...

So I told my girlfriend that my mother is deaf, so she will need to speak slowly and loudly for her to understand you.  I then called my mom and told her to be nice, cause my girlfriend is retarded.  Boy it's going to be a fun Thanksgiving this year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u9f8d/so_my_girlfriend_and_my_mom_have_never_met/
%
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

An ambulance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u9ds2/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_spade_in_his_head/
%
I was offered sex today by a 36 year old lady

In exchange of that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on my blog. Of course i declined because of my morals and strong will power. which is just as strong as ajox. the super strong bathroom cleaner. now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u9cjk/i_was_offered_sex_today_by_a_36_year_old_lady/
%
What do you get when you let 25,000 Syrian refugees into Canada during the winter?

Isisicles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u9am9/what_do_you_get_when_you_let_25000_syrian/
%
What's the difference between and out-law and an in-law?

One's wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u99oh/whats_the_difference_between_and_outlaw_and_an/
%
A guy is sitting at a bar drinking a pint of lager.

While he's sitting there, he notices the barman's cat up on the bar, one leg in the air, licking its balls.
The guy turns to the barman and remarks "Fuck. I wish I could do that. It'd be so relaxing..."
"You can do it, " replies the barman. "Just give him a saucer of milk and I'm sure he'd let you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u92b0/a_guy_is_sitting_at_a_bar_drinking_a_pint_of_lager/
%
What do you call a Mexican who has just lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u90vl/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_has_just_lost_his/
%
I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.

.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8yg1/i_dont_know_what_the_big_deal_is_about_black/
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How many black people does it take to start a riot....

-1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8uvg/how_many_black_people_does_it_take_to_start_a_riot/
%
What did the hipster say the day after thanksgiving?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8q1y/what_did_the_hipster_say_the_day_after/
%
I once had a job circumcising Elephants

The pay was low, but the tips were *huge*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8pwy/i_once_had_a_job_circumcising_elephants/
%
I was having trouble understanding the importance of the computer mouse...

And then it clicked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8o5r/i_was_having_trouble_understanding_the_importance/
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Why are orphans so bad at poker...?

they don't know what a full house is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8nox/why_are_orphans_so_bad_at_poker/
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[30 Days of Christmas Jokes] Why was Santa’s little helper sad?

Because he had low ELFesteem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8n7l/30_days_of_christmas_jokes_why_was_santas_little/
%
A busdriver and a pastor have a conversation...

The pastor complains: "Every time i start preaching, people stop praying and fall asleep."
The busdriver replies: "For me it's the other way around. When i shift into 5th gear and hit the pedal, they wake up and start praying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8k5h/a_busdriver_and_a_pastor_have_a_conversation/
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A man on his deathbed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...

"To my son, David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East End of London. To my other son, Michael, I leave the 4 penthouses in Chelsea, and finally to my eldest son, Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge."
With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said, "I never realised your husband was so wealthy. You and your sons are very lucky."
His wife swiftly replied, "Was he bollocks! He was a fucking window cleaner!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8jkb/a_man_on_his_deathbed_requested_his_wife_3_sons/
%
What do you call unpredictable nudity?

Erratica.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8gml/what_do_you_call_unpredictable_nudity/
%
What are the Russians eating for thanksgiving?

Beef with turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8gbk/what_are_the_russians_eating_for_thanksgiving/
%
The professor asked "how many believe in ghosts?"

Almost half the class held up their hands
The professor then asked "how many have seen a ghost?"
More than a quarter to the class held up their hands
The professor then asked "How many have talked to a ghost?"
And three students held up their hands
Finally the professor asked "How many have had sex with a ghost?"
One student, a Muslim in the rear, held up his hand.
The professor walked back to the student, and asked "So you've actually had sex with a ghost?"
The student looked at the professor, a surprised look on his face, and muttered "I though you said goats..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8fwu/the_professor_asked_how_many_believe_in_ghosts/
%
Why do Indians hate snow?

It's white and it's on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8edr/why_do_indians_hate_snow/
%
I hate taking pictures of mirrors.

The pictures always come out with some a**hole in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8dwo/i_hate_taking_pictures_of_mirrors/
%
Whats a terrorists favorite dessert

flavored ices

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8d3n/whats_a_terrorists_favorite_dessert/
%
Erectile dysfunction

Tom had erectile dysfunction from years had gone to different doctors to resolve his problem but hadn't been able to. The words spread over the village that a doctor had brought a miraculous medicine from overseas and could solve his problem. So he went to see the doctor and he prescribed him a teaspoon of the miraculous medicine  before having sex.Happy about the fact that he could have sex with his wife after many year Tom drank the whole bottle before entering his house. He enters his house with a huge boner takes his wife from behind and start making love to her once, twice over the night and the following morning but he wanted more and more. His wife left the house in terror as she couldn't go on.Tom proceeded masturbating but still wanted more and more so long story short armed with a gun he f*cked everyone in the village including children,man,nuns,priests and even cows,goats so pretty much everything that could move without being able to stop.Knowing his problem Tom went to the same doctor that prescribed the medicine to him asking for a solution. In the meantime the village  gathered to discuss the big problem they had with Tom.So the doctor revealed Tom tha there was only one solution for his problem and he should take a car battery and connect the opposing poles to his penis. So Tom went out of the doctors office took the JumpStart cable and connected it to the tip and balls.As in the Frankenstein's movie the people went to kill him with everything they could find. As the man got closer to Tom they heard a horrible screaming followed by the words "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES HE IS RECHARGING IT". Sorry for the bad English not my native language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u88d7/erectile_dysfunction/
%
TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u85n0/til_that_i_was_born_exactly_9_months_after_my/
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Having sex with you is like playing hide and seek

After the first 60 seconds you yell "ready or not, here I come!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u83yt/having_sex_with_you_is_like_playing_hide_and_seek/
%
What do you call a monkey named James that's afraid of everything?

Jim-pansy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u82ov/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_named_james_thats/
%
A man was asked if he would rather have a new circular saw or a ladder...

He chose the latter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u81is/a_man_was_asked_if_he_would_rather_have_a_new/
%
The three different types of rooster

What does a rooster say?
Cock-a-doodle-doo
What does a crazy rooster say?
Doodle-doodle-cock
What does a Gay rooster say?
Any-cockle-do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u80ok/the_three_different_types_of_rooster/
%
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a sheep?

...banned from the petting zoo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u7xkl/what_do_you_get_when_you_inject_human_dna_into_a/
%
My family tree is a cactus

Because everyone on it is a prick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u7x46/my_family_tree_is_a_cactus/
%
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u7ky0/why_is_a_laundromat_a_really_bad_place_to_pick_up/
%
Well done Turkey on shooting down a Russian warplane.

Now proceed to level two where you have to destroy fifty Russian warplanes and fight off an invading ground force.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u7k7y/well_done_turkey_on_shooting_down_a_russian/
%
I told my Mexican student to turn in his essay

He said "I ain't no snitch!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u7ir0/i_told_my_mexican_student_to_turn_in_his_essay/
%
A dad and his son are getting competitive while playing Smash Bros.

The dad says: "I fucked your mom!"
To which the son replies instantly: "Yeah, well I've been deeper inside her than you'll ever be!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u7hgn/a_dad_and_his_son_are_getting_competitive_while/
%
What's the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton?

One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u7frn/whats_the_difference_between_jfk_and_bill_clinton/
%
My cat scratched me for trapping her under the blankets as I made the bed...

I guess she's clawstrophobic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u7ctv/my_cat_scratched_me_for_trapping_her_under_the/
%
What do you call a person without a son?

per

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u7cef/what_do_you_call_a_person_without_a_son/
%
[Offensive] How do you offend homeless people?

By telling them knock knock jokes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u74pg/offensive_how_do_you_offend_homeless_people/
%
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u74cd/since_it_started_snowing_all_my_grandma_has_done/
%
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer

I saw it through my telescope last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u6zuk/i_think_my_neighbor_is_stalking_me_as_shes_been/
%
They said when pigs fly..

But the swine already flu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u6zn5/they_said_when_pigs_fly/
%
Why did Adele cross the street?

To say hello.... From the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u6ywr/why_did_adele_cross_the_street/
%
Don't die a Virgin

Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u6uhp/dont_die_a_virgin/
%
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u6onf/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
%
Beer nuts are so dang expensive...

...luckily deer nuts are just under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u6o5l/beer_nuts_are_so_dang_expensive/
%
What do you call a bikini you wear to the zoo?

A zucchini.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u6lx1/what_do_you_call_a_bikini_you_wear_to_the_zoo/
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A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest. "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest replies, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u6k1y/a_drunk_staggers_out_of_a_bar_and_runs_right_into/
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My secretary doesn't wear any bra or panties to work.

But he types really well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u67u9/my_secretary_doesnt_wear_any_bra_or_panties_to/
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What do you call a Jewish man's scrotum?

Goldman Sachs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u62l0/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_mans_scrotum/
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How many priests does it take to change a lightbulb?

3. One to screw it. One to beat it for being screwed. One to tell the lawyers that no screwing took place.
From Monkey Beach by Eden Robinson, referencing residential schools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5zsj/how_many_priests_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I shot my first turkey today!

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5yvg/i_shot_my_first_turkey_today/
%
What do you call a hot high school math teacher?

Expansion of minors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5wxb/what_do_you_call_a_hot_high_school_math_teacher/
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I went a week without makeup and here's what happened:

Nothing. No one gave a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5wwo/i_went_a_week_without_makeup_and_heres_what/
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What's the difference between a rooster and a hooker?

The rooster goes "cock-a-doodle-do" and the hooker goes "any cock'll do".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5u3c/whats_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_a/
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R.I.P.

Today a man died after jumping into a waste treatment facility.
The coroner ruled it a sewercide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5u1t/rip/
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Why wasn't the man considered attractive?

The laws of gravity didn't apply to him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5slg/why_wasnt_the_man_considered_attractive/
%
Why was WWI so short?

Because they were Russian...
Why was WWII so long?
They were Stalin...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5nr8/why_was_wwi_so_short/
%
I saw a deer yesterday.

I asked it if it had any doe.  It said yeah, about two bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5ia8/i_saw_a_deer_yesterday/
%
I'm so torn on circumcision.

I mean, you're either foreskin or against it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5hsi/im_so_torn_on_circumcision/
%
What are ISIS militants using to stuff their Thanksgiving goat?

Their dicks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5h1c/what_are_isis_militants_using_to_stuff_their/
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What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree and a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5gm0/what_is_the_difference_between_a_genealogist_and/
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Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice box?

Because it says "concentrate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5d4g/why_did_the_blonde_stare_at_the_orange_juice_box/
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The lizard and the koala

The koala was on his tree, smoking a joint when the lizard sees him.
L: Yo, Koala. Whatchu doin'?
K: Smoking. Let's blaze one out, Lizard
After smoking for some time, the lizard felt his mouth dry and told the koala he would go drink some water. While stumbling around pretty high by the river, the lizard gets spotted by the alligator.
A: What's going on, Lizard?
L: On, I was smoking a joint with the Koala, on the tree
The alligator was curious and decided to go see the Koala. When he got there, he noticed the Koala sleeping, so he yelled:
A: Yo Koala, what's up?
The Koala startled, answered:
K: Woaaaaah Lizard, how much fucking water did you drink?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5bfo/the_lizard_and_the_koala/
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I named my phone "The Titanic...."

So when I plug it in to charge it says, "The Titanic is syncing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u5a4o/i_named_my_phone_the_titanic/
%
My black girlfriend told me this on our first date.

What do you call 200 black people in a barn?
Antique farm equipment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u59ud/my_black_girlfriend_told_me_this_on_our_first_date/
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There's an ISIS comedy night coming up...

I would go but i'm fairly certain they're all going to bomb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u593x/theres_an_isis_comedy_night_coming_up/
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Have you seen my boat?

A conversation I literally just had with my three-year-old. That logic.
"Mommy, do you know where my boat is?"
"Which boat?"
"It's blue on the top and brown on the bottom with a little bit of yellow."
"Karl went and took it in that box with all of the other toys for the kids that don't have any toys."
"Why did you guys do that?"
"Because they don't have any toys."
"Yes they do have toys..."
"No they don't."
"Yes they do."
"What makes you say that?"
"BECAUSE APPARENTLY NOW THEY HAVE MY BOAT!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u58rh/have_you_seen_my_boat/
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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u539f/wife_texts_husband_on_a_cold_winter_morning/
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You know what really brings out the child in me?

Abortion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u504m/you_know_what_really_brings_out_the_child_in_me/
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A Hotel guest calls the front desk

and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u4zhy/a_hotel_guest_calls_the_front_desk/
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What do u call a midget mexican

Paragraph because he isnt a full essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u4xwd/what_do_u_call_a_midget_mexican/
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There was a failed art theft today...

the robber reportedly was foiled because he didn't have enough Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u4xkc/there_was_a_failed_art_theft_today/
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If Russia attacked Turkey from behind...

...would Greece help?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u4uj9/if_russia_attacked_turkey_from_behind/
%
What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickelback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u4orc/what_concert_only_costs_45_cents/
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How much of a difference is there between the penis and testis?

A vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u4iri/how_much_of_a_difference_is_there_between_the/
%
In high school, I presented a project on communism

I thought I would get terrible marx for stalin but the teacher was pretty leninent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u4d21/in_high_school_i_presented_a_project_on_communism/
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I'm a rectum stretcher

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u48m4/im_a_rectum_stretcher/
%
A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news.
Her records say that Holly is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your mother?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u482z/a_sweet_grandmother_telephoned_mount_sinai/
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Studies show that 92% of people masturbate. Do you know what the other 8% does instead?

Yeah... me neither.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u47k1/studies_show_that_92_of_people_masturbate_do_you/
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Who says men don't remember?

A couple were holiday shopping at the mall, and the place was
packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised
to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she
became worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said: "Honey, do you remember the jewelry
store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with
that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you
that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember
that jewelry store."
He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u46zo/who_says_men_dont_remember/
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What does a dog from Minnesota say?

Woof da.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u46tb/what_does_a_dog_from_minnesota_say/
%
A little girl and an older man walk into the woods together, when the girl starts to cry.

The man says to her, 'I don't know why you're the one crying, I'm the one that has to walk out of these woods all alone!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u44iv/a_little_girl_and_an_older_man_walk_into_the/
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Statistics show that one out of three of your next door neighbors could be a child molester...

Thank goodness the only neighbors I have are smokin' hot ten year olds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u421x/statistics_show_that_one_out_of_three_of_your/
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There are four states of matter.

Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u3t7n/there_are_four_states_of_matter/
%
If Turkey was attacked from the rear

Would Greece help?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u3r06/if_turkey_was_attacked_from_the_rear/
%
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to shoot the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u3pjs/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Russia announces it will be celebrating Thanksgiving this year

And yes, they will be roasting Turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u3hpt/russia_announces_it_will_be_celebrating/
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Superman is flying around, super horny.

He's flying over a building when he sees Batgirl on the roof, totally naked, legs spread, moaning, "Give it to me. Give it to me!"
Superman thinks he might get in trouble with Batman if he bangs Batgirl, but she's begging for it and he can just use his super speed to get the job done quick. So he does. He flys down to the roof and, super fast, humps the hell out of Batgirl. He's done in a few seconds and, wanting to avoid any confrontation, flys off just as fast.
Batgirl is shocked. "What the hell was that?!?!"
"I don't know but it hurt like hell", says the invisible man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u3f9j/superman_is_flying_around_super_horny/
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Why did Snoop Dogg go to the store before he sculpted his statue?

Fo' chisel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u3cxy/why_did_snoop_dogg_go_to_the_store_before_he/
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I have developed a truly marvellous demonstration of Fermat's last theorem ...

which this post is too short to contain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u34qu/i_have_developed_a_truly_marvellous_demonstration/
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A young couple on holiday was driving through the English countryside

when they approached the gates of a monastery. A sign on the gates announced “Public lunch served daily. Fish and chips our speciality.” The couple were quite hungry and, seeing that the noon hour had just passed, they decided to take advantage of their good luck  and drive up the winding road to the refectory, where lunch was being served. They both ordered and quite enjoyed their fish and chips. They agreed that it was the best they had ever tasted. In fact, they were so pleased that they decided to find their way to the kitchen so they could compliment the chef who had prepared such a splendid meal. They walked down a long cobble stoned hallway, through brass-riveted oak doors and into the mossy and dimly-lit kitchen. There they saw a wizened and hunched little man tending to pots and pans by the hearth. “Excuse us.” they inquired. “Are you the fish friar?” “No,” he replied. “I’m the chip monk.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u30ip/a_young_couple_on_holiday_was_driving_through_the/
%
I recently came out as pansexual.

But I'm only attracted to cast iron.
I've tried dating teflon, but it never sticks.
I guess it's true what they say:
"Once you go black, you never go back"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2yk4/i_recently_came_out_as_pansexual/
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How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2vfp/how_does_good_king_wenceslas_like_his_pizzas/
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Even with 4 million subscribers, /r/jokes sounds like a big empty hall.

I can hear jokes echoing again and again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2sr3/even_with_4_million_subscribers_rjokes_sounds/
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Series of Romanian Alinuta jokes.

Sup ya'll! I've translated some dark Romanian jokes about a girl named Alinuta. Any other Romanians who know more please share!
-Brother: Mom, Alinuta hung herself in the basement!
Mom goes and looks to find nothing.
Mom: She's not there.
Brother: April fools! She's in the attic!
-While Alinuta's brother is watching tv, she quickly moves passed the screen.
Brother: Hey! Get out of the way!
Alinuta again moves passed the screen, blocking her brothers view for a second.
Bother: Stop getting in the way!
Alinuta moves across the room again, blocking his screen.
Infuriated with his sister blocking his TV, Alinuta's brother calls their mom to resolve the problem.
Brother: I want to watch TV but Alinuta keeps moving in front of the screen.
Mom: oh it's cause she hung herself.
-"Alinuta stop playing with the scissors! You're going to spill your fingers on the floor again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2r9v/series_of_romanian_alinuta_jokes/
%
I'm dating a supermodel with hemiparesis.

She's not half-bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2prn/im_dating_a_supermodel_with_hemiparesis/
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What face does a Syrian make when he has a bad day?

Assad one.
On a side note, I hope prosperity upon all the Syrians who have been displaced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2pnt/what_face_does_a_syrian_make_when_he_has_a_bad_day/
%
Food is like dark humor.

Not everybody gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2oe4/food_is_like_dark_humor/
%
Got run over by a limo this morning

Took fucking ages

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2ocx/got_run_over_by_a_limo_this_morning/
%
An Engineer in Hell

One day, an engineer dies. He goes before St Peter and is told that he'll be spending eternity in Hell. So, he goes to Hell, looks around and says to Satan: 'This place sucks'.
The engineer gets to work building a functional fresh water system, air conditions the whole place, builds a sewerage system, a reliable, renewable energy system, he creates a functioning public transport system and regulates wages so that the demons have time off, overtime, and casual Fridays.
Then, one day, God discovers that there's been a mistake and the engineer was supposed to go to Heaven. So God goes to Hell and tells Satan that he's taking the engineer. Satan tells God to fuck off. 'Why would I give this guy back to you? He's awesome. Before you sent him here it was uncomfortable, smelly, dirty and just downright horrible. He's made it great.'
God stares Satan straight in the eye and says: 'If you don't give him back, I'll sue you.'
To which Satan replies: 'And where are you going to get a lawyer?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2mds/an_engineer_in_hell/
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Before and after marriage

**Before Marriage:**
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
**After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2lgd/before_and_after_marriage/
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I like Ouija boards

It's the only game I can still play with grandma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2iqv/i_like_ouija_boards/
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Two drunks are walking along...

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2hzg/two_drunks_are_walking_along/
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What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2fz9/what_has_two_legs_and_bleeds_a_lot/
%
What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2f1q/what_do_you_call_a_singing_laptop/
%
A man walks into a bar

He stays there my entire childhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u2c6t/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What does an accountant use for birth control

his personality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u29vu/what_does_an_accountant_use_for_birth_control/
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Best irish joke ever.

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk.
“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u28ng/best_irish_joke_ever/
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What is the difference between David Bowie and feminists?

David Bowie has made Ch-Ch-Changes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u27j1/what_is_the_difference_between_david_bowie_and/
%
Learning to ride a bike is like losing your virginity...

No matter how many years go by, you never forget the feeling of your dads hands on your shoulders as he pushes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u22wb/learning_to_ride_a_bike_is_like_losing_your/
%
A man walks into a library and goes up to the front desk.

He says to the librarian, "Hello, I'll have a Big Mac, Coke, and fries please."
She looks at him confusedly and says, "Sir, this is a library."
He replies in a whisper, ^^"Oh. ^^Sorry.  ^^I'll ^^have ^^a ^^Big ^^Mac, ^^Coke, ^^and ^^fries ^^please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u1kzt/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_goes_up_to_the/
%
What do a coffee shop and a Japanese castle siege have in common?

Baristas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u1j4a/what_do_a_coffee_shop_and_a_japanese_castle_siege/
%
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u1iz3/a_duck_walks_into_a_pub_and_orders_a_pint_of_beer/
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A Bosnian Joke

Mujo is the husband.
Fata is the wife.
Fata has to go to the doctor.
After an hour the doctor comes out of the room and starts a conversation with Mujo.
Doctor: Mujo, I have some bad news... Fata doesn't look so good...
Mujo: I know Doctor... but She cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids!
Hope you guys enjoyed this joke, I did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u1i5u/a_bosnian_joke/
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Meow

What do you call a cat who watches dirty movies?
A purrvert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u1eeh/meow/
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Duct Tape is a lot like The Force

It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u1cto/duct_tape_is_a_lot_like_the_force/
%
A man really wanted a bike, so...

One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u1bu9/a_man_really_wanted_a_bike_so/
%
What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?

The head nurse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u190v/what_do_you_call_a_nurse_with_dirty_knees/
%
A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u155b/a_bikini_is_an_outfit_where_90_of_a_womans_body/
%
Contagious.

Teacher: Can someone use the word Contagious in a sentence?
*Student raises hand* "I can"
My dad said he saw my neighbour painting his house with a three-inch brush. Said its gonna take the cunt ages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u13av/contagious/
%
A girl named Daffodil asked her mother a question

"Mom," the girl inquired, "Why am I named Daffodil?"
Her mother replied, "Simply because a daffodil fell on your head when you were born."
Then, Daffodil's sister, Rose, who was standing in the same room and had overheard the conversation the two were having, asked her mother why she was named Rose.
The mother replied "It is merely because a rose fell on your head when you were born."
Lastly, the girls' brother (who just happened to be in the room as well and had also overheard the conversation) asked his mother "HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEERHAAAAAAAAAAA?!?"
The mother answered "SHUT THE FUCK UP BRICK!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0zln/a_girl_named_daffodil_asked_her_mother_a_question/
%
Asians are smart but damn are they cocky.

They're always doing math with their eyes closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0ygv/asians_are_smart_but_damn_are_they_cocky/
%
The past, present and the future started fighting.

It was in*tense*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0x0i/the_past_present_and_the_future_started_fighting/
%
Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0t7p/why_did_adele_cross_the_road/
%
A man who passes away leaves $125 million to help the visually impaired.

They never found it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0qwd/a_man_who_passes_away_leaves_125_million_to_help/
%
So a father and son are sitting outside an icecream shop.

And three women walk out, one licking, one sucking and one biting the icecream cone. The father asks the son, "which one of those girls is married?" The son replies "obviously the one sucking the cone"
"No son, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
Sorry for grammar. I smart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0qbt/so_a_father_and_son_are_sitting_outside_an/
%
Dark humor is like food...

...not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0lvg/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
If I had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive...

They would eventually find me attractive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0l4m/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_woman_who_found_me/
%
What's the worst part about being a black jew

You have to stand in the back of the oven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0kp3/whats_the_worst_part_about_being_a_black_jew/
%
A German visits Poland.

A German visits Poland, and is stopped at the boarder by a Polish official.
The Polish Official asked "Occupation?"
The German replied "Yes," and thus began the bloodiest conflict in human history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0kkq/a_german_visits_poland/
%
I like my jokes like my coffee

bland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0khb/i_like_my_jokes_like_my_coffee/
%
What's black and eats pussy?

Cervical cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0i9x/whats_black_and_eats_pussy/
%
Everyone should stop picking on fat people..

They have enough on their plate already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0c97/everyone_should_stop_picking_on_fat_people/
%
I call yoga pants mumbles

I can see the lips but I can't hear a damn thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0a6i/i_call_yoga_pants_mumbles/
%
A kid comes home after school

and shows his father his grade book. The father looks at it and looks back at the kid and angrily says "You got an F today? Well, you are grounded. And if you don't get a good grade tomorrow you are not my son anymore!"
The next day the kid comes home again. The father says "What grade did you get today?" and the kid replies "Excuse me, who the fuck are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u06z6/a_kid_comes_home_after_school/
%
Two black guys walking across the Golden Gate bridge

They see the water, and both realize they need to take a piss. They stand on the edge, and start going. One turns to the other and says, "Goddamn this water is cold!" The other one responds, "Yeah, and it's deep, too!"
rip Richard Pryor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u0471/two_black_guys_walking_across_the_golden_gate/
%
I shot my first turkey today.

Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tzuav/i_shot_my_first_turkey_today/
%
Wife says "sorry I have my period".

I said "that's ok honey, that's what the colon is for"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tzpxe/wife_says_sorry_i_have_my_period/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tzpup/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
%
Everyone, stop with the Jell-O jokes.

They're off-pudding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tzoe3/everyone_stop_with_the_jello_jokes/
%
I'd never let my kids watch an orchestral performance.

Too much sax and violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tzn8s/id_never_let_my_kids_watch_an_orchestral/
%
A guy went to the doctor and the doctor told him he was going to have to stop masturbating.

The patient asked, "Why doctor?"
The doctor said, "Because I'm trying to give you an exam right now!"
*Not my joke, but I always liked it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tzmjz/a_guy_went_to_the_doctor_and_the_doctor_told_him/
%
A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan..

making land mines that look like prayer mats. He's doing very well, business is booming and Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tzlnh/a_friend_of_mine_just_started_his_own_business_in/
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Nobody would show up to a "White Lives Matter" demonstration.

They all have to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tzj16/nobody_would_show_up_to_a_white_lives_matter/
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Cock Dippers!

A Chinese, an American and  a Nigerian were out by the pool.
The American dips his cock in the water and says " It seems that the temperature of this pool water is 85 degree fahrenheit."
To test this, the Chinese dips his cock in the water and says " To be accurate, the temperature of the pool is 86.5 degree fahrenheit."
The Nigerian then gets up and dips his cock in the pool. " I don't have any idea about the temperature of this pool" he says, " but the depth of this pool is 3.5 feet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tzhaw/cock_dippers/
%
The Time I Met a Leprechaun in a Bathroom

Let me tell you about the day I grew up.  I was in a bar restroom at the urinals getting rid of my daily intake of beer when in walks in the shortest guy I had ever seen.  I thought to myself as he approached the urinal that there was no way that he would be able piss in the "adult" urinal, but he surprised me when pulled out the biggest cock that I had ever seen and wrapped it over the lip like a true fire house.  My jaw involuntarily dropped open for a second, and I managed to spit out the question of how in the hell he has such a big cock, completely ignoring my til then lifelong rule of not talking to another guy who has his dick in his hand.
The little man finishes up and tucks his beast away and says "Well, you caught me.  I am a leprechaun. You get to make three wishes."
I quickly gushed "I wish for a big dick like yours, all the money I could ever need or want, and to never have a worry again."
"Done," he said.  "But given how big of wishes you are making, I will be demanding something in return.  In order for your to get those wishes granted, you must let me fuck you in the ass in that there stall."
For the second time in that bathroom my mouth stood agape.  I thought about it for a while and convinced myself that for all that money it was worth it.
So I let the leprechaun fuck me in the ass in a small bar stall.  And when he was done he said "Aren't you a little old to be believing in leprechauns?" as he walked out the door.  And that was the day I grew up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tzcud/the_time_i_met_a_leprechaun_in_a_bathroom/
%
Apple and Google are both working on self driving cars.

Personally I don't think I want to ride in a car without Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tzcbk/apple_and_google_are_both_working_on_self_driving/
%
What kind of tea do you pay an arm and a leg for?

Amputee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tz6zq/what_kind_of_tea_do_you_pay_an_arm_and_a_leg_for/
%
"Most adults are hiding at least one dark secret!!!"

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tz19t/most_adults_are_hiding_at_least_one_dark_secret/
%
A man was arrested for masturbating on a plane.

The charge was highjacking, but he got off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tyzhq/a_man_was_arrested_for_masturbating_on_a_plane/
%
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?

Gas money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tyzev/what_do_you_get_when_you_fart_on_your_wallet/
%
When is a train being polite at dinner time?

When it choo's quietly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tyzdq/when_is_a_train_being_polite_at_dinner_time/
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A guy had a girlfriend named Windy. He had tattooed her name on his dick.

So, he goes to a bar one day and visits toilet to pee. There's a black guy in next Urinal. He unintentionally peeks at black guy's dick.
He sees that black guy also has a tattoo on his dick that reads 'Windy'. The guy is shocked.
Hey, look I also have tattooed Windy on my dick. Is your girlfriend's name also Windy ?
Black guys, "Nope. My tattoo reads, '**W**elcome to **Ind**ianapolis, Enjoy your sta**y**."
(English isn't my first language, pardon me if I messed up something.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tyy1v/a_guy_had_a_girlfriend_named_windy_he_had/
%
"I'm proud to be a black man"

"I'm proud to be a black man!" said the black man.
"I'm proud to be an Asian man!" said the Asian man.
"I'm proud to be a white man!" said the racist.
Edit 2: I have received more nasty PMs and death threats that I would have expected from /r/jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tyuvl/im_proud_to_be_a_black_man/
%
Two parallel lines match on tinder

But they never meet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tyu5q/two_parallel_lines_match_on_tinder/
%
Two men are driving down the road....

A police officer pulls them over and approaches the car. He knocks on the window and they roll it down.
The officer says "excuse me gentlemen we are looking for two child molesters in the area."
The driver rolls the window up for a moment and converses with his passenger. After a moment he rolls the window back down.
"OK officer, we'll do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tys8n/two_men_are_driving_down_the_road/
%
How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tyrl7/how_does_the_moon_cut_his_hair/
%
An old man walks up to a priest, doctor, and a lawyer...

and says "I'm going to die soon," He hands all three of them an envelope. "Inside each of these envelopes is 100,000 dollars. When I die, I want you 3 to put the 100,000 dollars in my casket because I want to die with the rest of my wealth." The three men gave their word and promised they would put the money in his casket.
A few days later, the old man dies and the men payed their respects and slipped the envelope in the casket. After the funeral the trio met up.
The priest begins with "Hey, I'm feeling pretty guilty. There was only 70,000 dollars in the envelope. The church needed some repairs."
The doctor replies "I'm not feeling guilty. I took 50,000 dollars because I wanted a new sports car. Its not like he can use the money anyways."
The lawyer yells at the both of them. "How could you two take the money? I am ashamed at you. You gave your word! I may have taken all the money, but I left him a check for 100,000 dollars!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tyquk/an_old_man_walks_up_to_a_priest_doctor_and_a/
%
An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma

.
While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it.
After a long while… He climaxes loudly.
Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?”
After a slight pause she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
She says “No. I’m Swedish.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tyoc6/an_italian_guy_is_out_picking_up_chicks_in_roma/
%
I tried to be gay once...

I sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tylu9/i_tried_to_be_gay_once/
%
Peter Dinklage is a Star!

He is a White Dwarf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tykhg/peter_dinklage_is_a_star/
%
Men are the best..

Caitlyn Jenner winning woman of the year is proof that men are the best at everything. Including being women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tyk8j/men_are_the_best/
%
Why are orphans bad at poker?

Because they don't know what a full house is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tyhus/why_are_orphans_bad_at_poker/
%
What's a hipster's biggest problem?

You probably haven't heard it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tygcc/whats_a_hipsters_biggest_problem/
%
His son asked him what gay meant.

Son: Dad, what does gay mean?
Dad: Happy son. It means happy.
Son: Then are YOU gay DAD?
Dad: No son...... i have a wife...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ty7y8/his_son_asked_him_what_gay_meant/
%
TIL that a Russian submarine was accidentally destroyed by a Russian warship that mistook it for an enemy submarine.

Oops, wrong sub!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txzdm/til_that_a_russian_submarine_was_accidentally/
%
Why is it so hard to build a blonde snowman?

Because you have to hollow out the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txytz/why_is_it_so_hard_to_build_a_blonde_snowman/
%
What do you call a canadian girl that can not sing?

Justin Bieber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txyho/what_do_you_call_a_canadian_girl_that_can_not_sing/
%
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is getting released for the second time in Iraq.

They're renaming the game to The Sims 5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txxg2/call_of_duty_modern_warfare_2_is_getting_released/
%
A man climbed a water tower, and he started to masturbate.

He was arrested for highjacking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txttt/a_man_climbed_a_water_tower_and_he_started_to/
%
"Master Yoda, are we on the right track?"

"Off course, we are.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txscn/master_yoda_are_we_on_the_right_track/
%
My girlfriend broke the news that she's pregnant

I responded, "Congrats, now you have something to remember me by."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txrtm/my_girlfriend_broke_the_news_that_shes_pregnant/
%
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txnbc/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txm97/have_you_heard_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
%
How many redditors does it take to post a joke to /r/Jokes?

Three. One to post it, another to post a better punchline in the comment section, and another to repost it with the new punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txlpa/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_post_a_joke_to/
%
What did the double hand amputee get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't managed to open it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txkro/what_did_the_double_hand_amputee_get_for_christmas/
%
What's the resemblance between a bungeejump and a african whorehouse?

If the rubber blows, you're dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txjx4/whats_the_resemblance_between_a_bungeejump_and_a/
%
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txjwb/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
%
The Lost Dog

A lost dog strays into a jungle. From a distance a lion sees this and says with caution, "This guy looks edible! Never seen his kind before."
The lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace, to which the dog notices and starts to panic. As he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea - He says loudly "Mmm...that was some good lion meat!"
The lion abruptly stops and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher than he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. The monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
The monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". They start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, "Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txfkk/the_lost_dog/
%
A man gets a call from his doctor

The doctor says "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news"
The man says "Give me the good news first doc"
The doctor replies "Well, they're going to name a disease after you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txfch/a_man_gets_a_call_from_his_doctor/
%
East and West Germany

In West Germany your job determines your Marks.
In East Germany Marx determines your job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3txdov/east_and_west_germany/
%
What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?

A little kid shouldn't run with scissors, a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tx4sq/whats_the_difference_between_a_little_kid_and_a/
%
What would EA do with a miniature man who used to be a woman?

Micro trans actions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3twzd0/what_would_ea_do_with_a_miniature_man_who_used_to/
%
Man walks in on his son

A man walks in on his son masturbating, and gets really mad "Hey, save that for when you are older!"
By the time the kid was 18, he had three jars full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3twqof/man_walks_in_on_his_son/
%
One time I got drunk and took the bus...

Now that may not sound impressive to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3twqaj/one_time_i_got_drunk_and_took_the_bus/
%
The reason men aren't allowed to run advice in "Love Columns" in magazines and newspapers..

Anonymous:
Hi! I'm a lady aged 26 married with one kid. Last week my husband was off duty and I had to drive alone to work. I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home. I drove for just about two miles from home and my car engine started to overheat so I had to turn back to get another car. When I got home I found my husband in bed with our maid. I don't know what to do now. Please help!
Reply:
Dear Anonymous,
Overheating of engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the carburettor. You need to check your oil and water level in your engine before you start your journey. You must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future.
Hope this helped you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3twojr/the_reason_men_arent_allowed_to_run_advice_in/
%
How many redditors does it take to post a joke to /r/Jokes?

Three. One to post it, another to post a better punchline in the comment section, and another to repost it with the new punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3twl2h/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_post_a_joke_to/
%
There are three kinds of people

Those who can count and those who can't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3twkqv/there_are_three_kinds_of_people/
%
I'm 99% sure I have trust issues.

Though I'm not sure I trust my math.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3twk2i/im_99_sure_i_have_trust_issues/
%
I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old

The police are pretty upset about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3twii6/im_36_but_have_the_body_an_18yearold/
%
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, since he's too short to be an ese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3twhwa/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
A drug addict died in his sleep...

I guess he overdozed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3twhl0/a_drug_addict_died_in_his_sleep/
%
I recently started my new job at the zoo circumcizing elephants...

The pay isn't great, but the tips are huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3twcdn/i_recently_started_my_new_job_at_the_zoo/
%
A hungover guy at the bar...

tells the bartender he is going to quit drinking.
The bartender says: "You're my best customer. Why?"
The guy says "Remember how much I drank last night? I went home and blew chunks three times"
The bartender doesn't want to lose his best customer. He says "That's no big deal. See Jim Duft over there? Last night he drank a ton. And he didn't walk like you, he drove. On the way home he hit the power sub station and no one in the neighborhood had electricity. So he tried to cook on the grill and burned his deck down. Then he tried to make himself a bath but drank the vanilla in the spice cabinet, passed out in the front lawn naked,  and flooded his whole house. That guy was drunk."
The hungover guy says "I don't think you get it, Chunks is my dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tw7pv/a_hungover_guy_at_the_bar/
%
Let's take all the bad science jokes...

And barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tw6ki/lets_take_all_the_bad_science_jokes/
%
What's Darth Vader's least favorite temperature?

Luke warm.
^^im ^^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tw45m/whats_darth_vaders_least_favorite_temperature/
%
Out on the Back Porch

This old couple was sitting in their rocking chairs on the back porch when the old lady reached over and knocked the old man out of his chair.
The old man got up, sat back down in his chair and said, “What was that for?”
The old lady said, “That was for 50 years of bad sex.”
A couple minutes later the old man reached over and knocked the old lady out of her chair.
She got up and said, “What was that for?”
The old man said, “That’s for knowing the difference.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tw190/out_on_the_back_porch/
%
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tvtdg/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
They cloned a man without his permission. Was he angry?

He was just beside himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tvnno/they_cloned_a_man_without_his_permission_was_he/
%
Tolio

A man and woman get married and have never spent the night together. In the honeymoon sweet the wife is way to horny and excited to wait any longer. She pushes her husband on to the bed and starts pulling off his shoes then socks...and screamed!
"Oh god what happened your feet???"
"I had tolio as a child" he said
"You mean polio?"
"No. Tolio. I got freaky curled up toes from it"
She shrugged and started gettin into it again, and pulled off his trousers and screamed...he had the knoblliest twisted knees imaginable.
"What happened your knees!?!?!"
"I caught the kneasles when I was a kid"
"You mean measles?"
"No" he said. "Kneasles. It wrecked my joints"
So she got on with it and pulled off his pants and cried
"Oh god! You got the small cox too!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tvn9c/tolio/
%
This joke works better told than read. There are 15 boxes in an airplane. One falls out. How many are left?

14.
*****
How do you put an elephant inside a refrigerator in 3 steps?
1. open the door
2. put the elephant in
3. close the door
*****
How do you put a giraffe inside a refrigerator in 4 steps?
1. open the door
2. remove the elephant
3. put in the giraffe
4. close the door
*****
An animal party is being thrown at Lilly the Lion's house. Every animal was invited. Every animal came, except for one. Which animal didn't come?
The giraffe. He was stuck in a refrigerator
*****
An old man is walking along a nature path, enjoying his last years on earth. A warning sign appears, warning about the dangerous man eating crocodiles in the river ahead. He gets to the river, to find out there is no bridge! He looks left, he looks right, but his feet are quite tired and he doesn't feel like looking for a bridge, log, or anything to get him across without going in the river. So, he removes his socks and shoes and walks across the dirty river.
Why didn't the crocodiles attack him?
They were still at the animal party.
*****
As the old man finally gets across, he becomes quite tired, and rests. He shouldn't have pushed himself so much, walking along such a long trail. When he gets up to continue, he dies suddenly. How did he die?
A box fell out of an airplane and killed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tvlha/this_joke_works_better_told_than_read_there_are/
%
Have you tried Ethiopian Food?

Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tvhgu/have_you_tried_ethiopian_food/
%
What's the difference between a cat and a comma

One has claws at the end of its paws, the other's a pause at the end of its clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tvgqu/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
%
A guy and his girlfriend are talking

Her: Come over.
Him: I'm coming over.
Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tvg6z/a_guy_and_his_girlfriend_are_talking/
%
I've decided to name my penis Napoleon...

...because there's a big misconception that it's short, but it's actually average sized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tv8kl/ive_decided_to_name_my_penis_napoleon/
%
Just came back from holiday in Thailand...

and I came so close to sleeping with a lady boy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady and even kissed like a lady. It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed parked the car in the garage first time that I thought, "hang on a damn minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tv0zs/just_came_back_from_holiday_in_thailand/
%
My buddy has an inability to visualize feces

He can't see shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tuzbk/my_buddy_has_an_inability_to_visualize_feces/
%
I went to a zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog

It was a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tuytz/i_went_to_a_zoo_the_other_day_the_only_animal/
%
Two Mexicans in the desert

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the dessert, don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"
"Pepe ... ees not a bacon tree ... Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tuypg/two_mexicans_in_the_desert/
%
What is the difference between ass-kissing and brown-nosing?

Depth perception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tuxsf/what_is_the_difference_between_asskissing_and/
%
What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of smart pygmies?

The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tuxlb/whats_the_difference_between_a_womens_track_team/
%
Why was 10 scared

It was in the middle of 9-11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tuhq1/why_was_10_scared/
%
Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill

Let's Imax and climax

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tugew/hey_baby_forget_netflix_and_chill/
%
TIL The New Jersey Devils have never changed their logo or uniform design/colours.

No new New Jersey jersey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tu727/til_the_new_jersey_devils_have_never_changed/
%
24 bugs in the code 24 bugs in the code...

Take one down patch it all out... 78 bugs in the code...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tu6fc/24_bugs_in_the_code_24_bugs_in_the_code/
%
Did you hear that Tom Brady is running for president?

His platform is lowering inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tu5d7/did_you_hear_that_tom_brady_is_running_for/
%
Don't walk through a field of mushrooms

It's quite a tripping hazard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tty2z/dont_walk_through_a_field_of_mushrooms/
%
Smart dog

A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!".
The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tttyn/smart_dog/
%
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ttr8u/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
%
An inmate in a prison is about to be released for good behaviour.

The prison guard walks into the cell to inform the inmate of the good news.
At first, the inmate speaks to the prison guard and is almost immediately interrupted.
The prison guard interjects, but before he can tell the inmate he is soon to be released for good behaviour, the inmate loudly shouts
''Hey, you didn't let me finish my sentence"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ttr5h/an_inmate_in_a_prison_is_about_to_be_released_for/
%
"A couple drove down a country...."

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ttowr/a_couple_drove_down_a_country/
%
Where do Muslims go after they die?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ttny9/where_do_muslims_go_after_they_die/
%
This is a step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.
Last I heard he was in a twelve step program.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ttkks/this_is_a_step_ladder/
%
What are the advantages of living in Switzerland?

Well, for one, the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ttj5j/what_are_the_advantages_of_living_in_switzerland/
%
"Celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary!!"

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ttj2h/celebrate_their_50th_wedding_anniversary/
%
"My first appointment with a new dentist!!"

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one....
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school.
'Yes. Yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
'When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'In 1967. Why do you ask?'
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired man asked, 'What did you teach?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ttgxl/my_first_appointment_with_a_new_dentist/
%
What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ttft2/whats_the_difference_in_a_dirty_bus_station_and_a/
%
"Why are you arguing?"

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tteuv/why_are_you_arguing/
%
How many spiders does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tte54/how_many_spiders_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ttc0b/whats_the_difference_between_my_ex_and_the_titanic/
%
An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ttbpc/an_85yearold_man_had_to_take_a_sperm_count_for/
%
"Two factory workers are talking..!!"

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ttb1j/two_factory_workers_are_talking/
%
"About a week later..........."

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tt7dw/about_a_week_later/
%
I want to make a point with you, /r/Jokes

.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tt63o/i_want_to_make_a_point_with_you_rjokes/
%
An engineer dies and reaches hell.

It's way too hot there. The engineer finds out the A.C is not rightly installed and fixes it. There are televisions but none are working. The engineer soon finds out what's wrong with the cable receiver and fixes it too. He fixes the electricity circuit and it's no longer dark. He also gets wifi configured on everyone's phone. Very next day, the word reaches Heaven that the inhabitants of Hell are having a much pleasant life than them. God calls Satan and Satan tells what the engineer did to their place.
God was furious and said, "Well, an engineer was supposed to arrive here yesterday but he hasn't. It seems that he was sent there by mistake. I want you to send him over."
Satan replied,"No way, I'm not going to send someone that valuable."
God: "Well, then I'm going to sue you"
Satan laughs hysterically and says, "Do you really think I'm gonna believe that you have a lawyer out there ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tt5lg/an_engineer_dies_and_reaches_hell/
%
"what does the chicken give you?"

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tt29l/what_does_the_chicken_give_you/
%
Losing weight

Paddy wants to lose weight so he goes to see his doctor and voice his concern. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When Paddy returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
He nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from all that skipping," replied Paddy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tt0x7/losing_weight/
%
Masochist meets sadist

. "Torture me", saids masochists. Sadist replies: "No way"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tsz73/masochist_meets_sadist/
%
In democracy, it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tstwn/in_democracy_its_your_vote_that_counts/
%
Who are the world's fastest readers?

The 911 victims. They went through 50 stories in a minute.
I'm so sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tstge/who_are_the_worlds_fastest_readers/
%
A Catholic priest, Orthodox priest, and Rabbi are discussing donations...

"First, we draw a circle around us, then we throw the money up" said the Catholic priest, "we keep whatever money falls inside the circle and we give the money that went outside to God."
"Interesting," said the Orthodox Priest, "we keep whatever money falls outside the circle and we give to God the money that fell inside."
"Yes," said the Rabbi, "it is also similar in Jewish tradition. We throw the money up, God keeps whatever he wants and we keep the rest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tsoli/a_catholic_priest_orthodox_priest_and_rabbi_are/
%
Is Google male or female?

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tslga/is_google_male_or_female/
%
How to get a PhD in Music

In some colleges of music, part of the doctoral requirement is to compose an original full length symphony. Because modern music sounds so weird, a good ploy is to take a well-known classical symphony, write it backwards and submit it as an original work. One student took the daring step of taking his professor's doctoral symphony and reversing it. The student failed to receive his degree. The examiners remarked, "You just reproduced Sibelius' Fourth Symphony with not a single note changed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tsl4w/how_to_get_a_phd_in_music/
%
A blind man walks into the bar...

And the table...
And the chair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tsee4/a_blind_man_walks_into_the_bar/
%
Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one'

So when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tscol/just_changed_my_facebook_name_to_no_one/
%
What's faster than the speed of light?

The speed of *how fast my wife jumps to conclusions*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tsajd/whats_faster_than_the_speed_of_light/
%
Two potatoes are standing on the corner. How can you tell which one is the hooker?

The one with the sticker that says, "Idaho".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tsa0q/two_potatoes_are_standing_on_the_corner_how_can/
%
The youngest daughter of a cannibalistic family was late to dinner

She got the cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ts9uh/the_youngest_daughter_of_a_cannibalistic_family/
%
There is going to be a merger between FedEx and UPS..

Yep, they're going to be called "FedUp"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ts6w0/there_is_going_to_be_a_merger_between_fedex_and/
%
My girlfriend and I use "laundry" as a code-word for sex.

Her dad asked me why I couldn't do the laundry by myself so I told him "it's a big load".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ts50g/my_girlfriend_and_i_use_laundry_as_a_codeword_for/
%
My wife has to be the worst cook ever.

In my house we pray after we eat.
> *Rodney Dangerfield*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ts4na/my_wife_has_to_be_the_worst_cook_ever/
%
I met a girl who said she liked Imagine Dragons.

I asked her if she could Imagine Dragon these nuts across her chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ts3w9/i_met_a_girl_who_said_she_liked_imagine_dragons/
%
I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me.

Not my fault they don't have Windows.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ts3m8/i_farted_in_the_apple_store_and_everyone_got/
%
I wrote this one myself. (It's better then that redtile disfunction joke)

There was a guy named Shawn and he lived near a really little town in the western plains of Texas. This town was really just a dot along a highway and didn't get much traffic at all. There was one gas station, a diner, and a little dollar store with necessities and household items.
Shawn worked at the store, his first job. Shawn did stocking, and cleaning, and sometimes helped out on the register. It was an easy job and never too busy.
The town was so slow and lazy it was this dollar store's practice to close completely on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and did not reopen until the following Monday. That meant several days off for Shawn!
One Thanksgiving the store closed up as usual on Wednesday and everybody went home to their families for turkey day. Shawn went fishing with friends on Friday and they drove to Midland on Saturday to visit a few bars. It was a late night and Shawn didn't get to bed until late.
Early Sunday morning the phone rang and Shawn heard his boss's urgent voice: "Shawn I need you up here at the store right away, we've got major problems!"
Groggily Shawn groaned. What could have happened to be so urgent!?
Shawn made his way to work and was astonished with what he saw. The front window was shattered and the store was a disaster. One aisle in particular seemed to have most of the damage. Piles of dishes from the dish section were scattered all over the floor.
There was a terrible stench with blood, guts, and feces everywhere and all over the broken dishes. A large deer lay dead in the middle of the aisle.
Shawn was aghast. What a mess. How did this happen?!
The manager had already assessed the events so he filled Shawn in: "it looks like this deer was smacked by a car on the highway. In his delirium he smashed through the window and went nuts right here in the dish section. Now, it looks like we have
a wrecked aisle dish funk Shawn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ts1sl/i_wrote_this_one_myself_its_better_then_that/
%
What's Forrest Gumps password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3trxb7/whats_forrest_gumps_password/
%
How do the Lannisters save money on new beds?

They push Two twins together to make a King

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3trv21/how_do_the_lannisters_save_money_on_new_beds/
%
Kristen gave Sally 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Todd gave Sally 5 flowers and 3 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

Cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3trtya/kristen_gave_sally_3_flowers_and_2_stuffed/
%
What happens if you run behind a car?

You get exhausted!
Sorry, gotta get back to doing my online traffic school...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3trt5y/what_happens_if_you_run_behind_a_car/
%
I've just invented a new word.

plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3trplg/ive_just_invented_a_new_word/
%
Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think
I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then He asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive motor-cycles, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3trm91/will_i_live_to_see_80/
%
What you call toes that taste like mint?

Tic-tac-toe!
My 8 year old daughter made this one up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3trka6/what_you_call_toes_that_taste_like_mint/
%
From grandma: Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In memory of all the faces that were buried there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3trhck/from_grandma_why_do_women_wear_panties_with/
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A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.

They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would
come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that
they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and
they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am
about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on
earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes
so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and
then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked,
"Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked,
either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the
nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from
God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the
camel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3trb7a/a_nun_and_a_priest_were_traveling_across_the/
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A threesome with an older couple

Girl: Babe come over
Guy: Can't having a threesome with an older couple
Girl: My parents are not home
Guy: I know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3trb1x/a_threesome_with_an_older_couple/
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Burned my Hawaiian pizza...

Should have put it on aloha temperature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tr930/burned_my_hawaiian_pizza/
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Emergency flashers

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tr655/emergency_flashers/
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Wrote this one myself (it's a long one but it's good)

There's a man who's decided to redo his bathroom.
He's going with an all red theme; red sink, red countertop, red toilet. The whole shabang.
He starts first with the red countertop, then he installs the red sinks and toilet, then he finally starts laying the tiles.
The ground tiles are laid first, followed by the wall tiles.
Eventually there is only 1 tile left to be laid.
The man does just as he did for all the other tiles and coats the wall section in cement.
He then places the tile on the section and holds it for a moment.
But this time when he lets go the tile falls to the ground.
So he puts a little more cement on the wall and tries again, holding longer.
But the tile falls off again.
Frustrated, the man calls up his contractor for assistance.
"Hey man I might need your help".
"Yeah sure, what is it?".
"I've got this tile I'm laying down and I just can't seem to get it to stay up".
"Alright I'll come take a look at it"
So the man's contractor comes over, and starts in the same way.
Placing the tile up on the wall only for it to fall down.
Then laying down more cement and trying again.
After seeing this the contractor says " I think I know what your problem is".
"What is it?"
"You have aredtile dysfunction".
**I'm sorry**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tr0zp/wrote_this_one_myself_its_a_long_one_but_its_good/
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Four men are running from the police.

As they run, they come upon the edge of a cliff. With nowhere to run the decide to jump off.
Then out of nowhere, one of the men turns around and says to the others...
"I am a genie, and I may grant each of you a wish. As you jump off this cliff, yell out an object on which you want to fall."
One man decides that even though it seems very unlikely for this to be true, it's his best bet to escape from the police.
He jumps off and yells "PILLOWS!" at the top of his lungs. As he falls a huge pile of pillows materializes and breaks his fall.
Seeing that the genie was no joke the second man decided to give it a go, but with something a little more useful to him.
He throws himself off the cliff and shouts out "DOLLAR BILLS!" And a very large bundle is at the bottom to stop him from hurting himself.
Now the last man to jump off has seen what the powers can do. He knows he can not only survive, but make it rich. He decides he's going to ask for a huge pile of golden thread to land on, and sell to make it big.
So he runs towards the edge at full speed, ready to scream his request to the heaven-sent genie. As he reaches the edge, he trips on a small boulder and yells,
"OH SHIT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tqv2d/four_men_are_running_from_the_police/
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I walked into chemistry class...

It was Boron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tqsq9/i_walked_into_chemistry_class/
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How to Get Women to Notice You *Results May Vary*

A man lives on a farm with his wife and son. One night, the man wakes up and hears loud honks outside. He grabs his shotgun and makes his way outside.
He approaches the barn, and he can hear the noise getting louder.
As he rounds the corner, he sees his son, fully naked, thrusting into the the family's John Deere.
"Jesus Christ, son, what the hell are you doing!" he asks.
His son, embarrassed, turns around.
"Well, dad, there's this girl I really like, and....y'know, I'm trying to get her to notice me."
"So? What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well, I went to the doctor, and I asked what I should do."
"And he told you to do this!?"
"Yeah. He said I should do something sexy to a tractor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tqq50/how_to_get_women_to_notice_you_results_may_vary/
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When I die I'd like my remains to be scattered at Disney Land...

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tqpmv/when_i_die_id_like_my_remains_to_be_scattered_at/
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I just slept 8 hours straight

Then another 2 hours gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tqj4m/i_just_slept_8_hours_straight/
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What do Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common?

The same middle name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tqipe/what_do_winnie_the_pooh_and_jack_the_ripper_have/
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How do you tell if your roommate is gay?

If his dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tqgv5/how_do_you_tell_if_your_roommate_is_gay/
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What does DNA Stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tqdoa/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph because they're not a full esay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tqcil/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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What happens if you take a popular website, add a dash of censorship, and allow the discretionary system of control to be based on the biases of individuals...

[This post is locked. You won't be able to comment.]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tqava/what_happens_if_you_take_a_popular_website_add_a/
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PC gamers don't take hot showers.

They take Steam-y ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tq9c8/pc_gamers_dont_take_hot_showers/
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List of cheesy jokes

How do you organize a space party- you planet
What do you call a cow with no legs- ground beef
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars- T Rex
What do you call an everyday potato- commentator
How do you put a baby alien to sleep- you rocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tq7fu/list_of_cheesy_jokes/
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Tractors

As a young boy a man had always adored tractors and bought all the tractor merchandise.
To his delight one year, tractor-con was on in his town and he was first in line to buy his ticket.
Tragically he'd over slept so he rushed to the convention only to find they where packing up.
He looked around and saw a tractor open with the engine running, he dashed over and got in before driving off.
Because he didn't know how to drive a tractor he crashed many times and caused many thousands of dollars worth of damage. He was pulled over by the police and sent to court. The judge found him guilty of property damage and gave him two options, pay the fine and go to jail or get rid of all his tractor merchandise and stop being a tractor fan.
After many months he got over it and got his life back on track. He'd managed to get a date with a very attractive women and they sat down in a bar which allowed smoking inside. The women said "I hate people who smoke and the smell they make" the man quickly sucked up all of the smoke unharmed and unaffected. The women asked how he did that and he replied "it's because I'm an ex-tractor fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tq1mg/tractors/
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A prisoner convicted of beastiality has escaped.

Recent reports confirm he's on the lamb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tpzp2/a_prisoner_convicted_of_beastiality_has_escaped/
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What does the sign outside an old brothel say?

Beat it, we are closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tpu83/what_does_the_sign_outside_an_old_brothel_say/
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Grandpa telling war stories

Grandpa tells his grandson war stories.
"Once we got surrounded by Germans from all sides, there was shooting, we were lying down helpless, scared, bullets flying above our heads, and... and..."
"And what grandpa?"
"Uh... Can't tell you son"
"Please grandpa, tell me!"
"Well, if you must know, I shit myself"
"Oh, grandpa, but of course you did. It's understandable. It must be frightening, anybody in right mind would be scared..."
"No, no, I shit myself right now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tptuz/grandpa_telling_war_stories/
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Saw this Islamic book shop today

So decided to have a look inside, almost immediately two men dressed in dresses came over and asked what I wanted,
I said 'Do you have a copy of the book on Great Britain's policy regarding deportation of immigrants?
One of the gentlemen said, "Fuck off get out and never come back", I said "yes, that's the one, how much?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tpr2v/saw_this_islamic_book_shop_today/
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What does a nosey pepper do?

It gets jalapeño business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tppv1/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
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What's a junkie's favorite videogame?

Need for Speed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tpp81/whats_a_junkies_favorite_videogame/
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I wish my best friend would leave his

cheating whore of a wife. Then I wouldn't feel so guilty for sleeping with her all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tpomf/i_wish_my_best_friend_would_leave_his/
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I've heard addicts claim that heroin became their "God" but...

...they're always taking his name in vein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tplts/ive_heard_addicts_claim_that_heroin_became_their/
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What happens when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

Nothing, you can't cross a vector with a scaler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tplq7/what_happens_when_you_cross_a_mountain_climber/
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Being a prostitute on the Enterprise sounded interesting...

But actually it's mostly Data entry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tpg7t/being_a_prostitute_on_the_enterprise_sounded/
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Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of...

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs
"give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this, I am a United States congressman!"
In that case," replied the mugger,
"give me my money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tpfxv/late_one_night_a_mugger_wearing_a_ski_mask_jumped/
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A good surprise is like an invisible penis...

... you never see it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tpfi6/a_good_surprise_is_like_an_invisible_penis/
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Moms be like...

A man received two sweaters for Christmas from his mother.
The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters.
As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile...
she said,
"What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tpehb/moms_be_like/
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At the grocery store my daughter wanted a drink...

So I gave her $3 and sent her on her way. She came back a few minutes later and said "Daddy! The line is too long at the register". I said "Okay, no worries we'll go somewhere else". We walked out of the grocery store to the restaurant across the street. She went  inside, and again there was a huge line. Driving home we saw a girl selling Hawaiian Punch for $5 a cup. Even though it was expensive, I had to pull over because there was no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tp8wg/at_the_grocery_store_my_daughter_wanted_a_drink/
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Why was the accountant constipated?

He couldn't budget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tp8by/why_was_the_accountant_constipated/
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If a clown farts...

... does it smell funny?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tp84g/if_a_clown_farts/
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I saw a woman smoking in front of her little girl.

I said, "You aren't exactly being a responsible parent, are you?"
"If you had children you would understand," she replied.
"I do," I added, "They're in the park somewhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tp5xn/i_saw_a_woman_smoking_in_front_of_her_little_girl/
%
A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll...

The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
The customer says, "Female"
The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
The customer says, "White"
The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
The counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tp5gi/a_guy_goes_in_an_adult_store_and_asks_for_an/
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Mullah Naseeruddin

One day, Mullah Naseeruddin heard a knock on his door. He opened the door and found his daughter standing there crying with a bruise on her eye.
"What happened?" Naseeruddin asked. She said that she got into a fight with her husband and he beat her. To this, Naseeruddin responded by slapping his daughter in the face.
He closed the door and quickly called her husband. When he picked up the phone, he told his daughter's husband, "I heard about what you did, but I've had my vengeance -  because you hit my daughter, I slapped your wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tp48t/mullah_naseeruddin/
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What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a scotsman?

Mick Jagger says "hey you, get off of my cloud." a scotsman says "hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tp37e/whats_the_difference_between_mick_jagger_and_a/
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I told my therapist that no one understands me...

She said, "What do you mean by that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tp1du/i_told_my_therapist_that_no_one_understands_me/
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What US state has a lot of dirty laundry?

Washington

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tp0ru/what_us_state_has_a_lot_of_dirty_laundry/
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Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked paddy
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tp0b9/who_is_calling/
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why are black people so tall?

because their knee grows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3toy1j/why_are_black_people_so_tall/
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Adam and Eve

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race start?"
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mum said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered, "It is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tovqr/adam_and_eve/
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So I sucked an ass this morning.

I mean, everyone eats thier animal crackers differently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tov5c/so_i_sucked_an_ass_this_morning/
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Crows

Recently biologists have noted that more crows have been getting killed by vehicles on major trucking highways than on normal roads. After tire print and impact analysis, they determined that these crows are being killed by large trucks, not cars. One especially bright scientist came up with a hypothesis. These crows always post a sentry while they eat roadkill to warn them of any approaching traffic. The problem lies neither in the sentry nor the larger body of crows, but in miscommunication. The crows have learned to say "Car! Car!" but they have not learned how to say "Truck! Truck!"
Best told in UK or by someone with English accent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tospl/crows/
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What do you call it when a waiter at an internet cafe gets your order wrong?

500 Internal Server Error

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3toohe/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_waiter_at_an_internet/
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What do gay horses eat?

Hayyyy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3too3w/what_do_gay_horses_eat/
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What do you call it when whales form a band.

An Orcastra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tom89/what_do_you_call_it_when_whales_form_a_band/
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What did the nun wear to the casino?

Her gambling habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tom4b/what_did_the_nun_wear_to_the_casino/
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Did you hear about the cheese truck that crashed?

The street was littered with de brie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tob1f/did_you_hear_about_the_cheese_truck_that_crashed/
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An act of Kindness....

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as expected, gladly accepted the offer, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop."And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you.
But, one thing puzzled me.
"Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3to98w/an_act_of_kindness/
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Bad ending to a worse day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!"
But, hell, enough about me.
How are you doing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3to8xr/bad_ending_to_a_worse_day/
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Patient And Doctor Joke

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3to757/patient_and_doctor_joke/
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A small passenger blimp is going down...

A small passenger blimp is going down and has no place to land safely. In attempt to keep to in the air long enough to land, its cargo is dumped.
The blimp is still going down, however, and through quick calculations it is realised that four average-weighted passengers would need to sacrifice themselves for the rest of the people on board.
And so, a British man goes over to the door. "Long live the Queen!" he says. Then he jumps.
Next, a French man goes over to the door. "Vive la France!" he says. Then he jumps.
Then, a Texan man goes over to the door. "Remember the Alamo!" he shouts. Then he shoves two Mexicans off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3to439/a_small_passenger_blimp_is_going_down/
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What U.S. State has the smallest sodas?

Minisoda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3to40s/what_us_state_has_the_smallest_sodas/
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Walking home from the bar, a man walked by me with only one shoe on...

I assumed he was wasted and hadn't yet realized, so I said to him "hey buddy, you lost a shoe!"
He said "no I didn't, I found one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3to3t6/walking_home_from_the_bar_a_man_walked_by_me_with/
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What do Australians call upside down cake?

Cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3to31p/what_do_australians_call_upside_down_cake/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel around his waist...

Bartender says "Hey man, you have a steering wheel around your waist!?
The Pirate replies "Yeah I know... It's drivin me nuts!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tnyqp/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid?

Hey, wanna buy some candy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tnwhn/what_did_the_jewish_pedophile_say_to_the_kid/
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I fell out of a tree and landed on an antelope.

I was impala'd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tntxi/i_fell_out_of_a_tree_and_landed_on_an_antelope/
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Leather jackets are great for sneaking up on people.

They're made of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tnshm/leather_jackets_are_great_for_sneaking_up_on/
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Funny Jokes of the Day -

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tnsf6/funny_jokes_of_the_day/
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My ex-wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tnr16/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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Marriage Jokes...more like facts

Marriage Jokes
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!
A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man!
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street the husband yelled, "No, jump in!"
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!
Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tnmax/marriage_jokesmore_like_facts/
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After my most recent divorce, I'm now paying alimony to BOTH of my ex-wives...

Owe for two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tnk39/after_my_most_recent_divorce_im_now_paying/
%
So I talkedto a gender studies graduate the other day.

I told her I wanted a #1 combo with no tomatos or onions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tnhxz/so_i_talkedto_a_gender_studies_graduate_the_other/
%
A German, a Russian, and a Syrian are in a life raft ...

The raft is slowly sinking and the 3 castaways are afraid it will sink before they are rescued, so they start looking around for things they can dispose of to lighten the load.
The Russian takes a case of fine Vodka, throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty of that in my country."
Seeing the Russian's generous gesture, the Syrian takes a bag of fine hibiscus tea, throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty in my country."
Finally, the German, seeing that it is his turn, throws the Syrian overboard and says, "We have plenty of those in my country."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tnhdw/a_german_a_russian_and_a_syrian_are_in_a_life_raft/
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A lady was looking for a turkey...

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough. She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied "No they're dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tnfzq/a_lady_was_looking_for_a_turkey/
%
When you're in trouble at work, be frank...

That way, when the boss finds out, Frank gets the blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tndor/when_youre_in_trouble_at_work_be_frank/
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I used to work as a prostitute...

... due to lack of fucks to give I quit my job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tndj5/i_used_to_work_as_a_prostitute/
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What does my dad do for fun?

Beats me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tncgn/what_does_my_dad_do_for_fun/
%
A young engineer

was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine,
"I just need one copy."
Lesson:
Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tnbuf/a_young_engineer/
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I hate cereal killers

they go against the grain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tn8nz/i_hate_cereal_killers/
%
I think my friend Ben has a bad reputation.

Every time I tell someone that me and my other buddy are friends with Ben Ofitz, they give me a strange look.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tn7xc/i_think_my_friend_ben_has_a_bad_reputation/
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What do you call a gold fish wearing a top-hat?

Sofishticated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tn7tf/what_do_you_call_a_gold_fish_wearing_a_tophat/
%
What do Germans call their own EasyMac?

Mein Kraft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tn5bu/what_do_germans_call_their_own_easymac/
%
A dwarf who is a mystic escapes from jail.

The local authorities warned the people of a small medium at large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tn070/a_dwarf_who_is_a_mystic_escapes_from_jail/
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NSFW What word starts with a 'C' and then ends with 'U-N-T'?

"Count"
you dumb cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tn05n/nsfw_what_word_starts_with_a_c_and_then_ends_with/
%
I've been working on getting rid of my phobia of speed bumps.

I'm slowly getting over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tmyqj/ive_been_working_on_getting_rid_of_my_phobia_of/
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Girls are only after me for my money.

That is why no girls are after me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tmxgg/girls_are_only_after_me_for_my_money/
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What's the difference between a personal trainer and a bully?

None, they still take your money after beating you up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tmryd/whats_the_difference_between_a_personal_trainer/
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If you were to second guess your decision to stay at a hotel on a native american reserve...

....that would be a reservation reservation reservation
-credit to Brian Regan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tmrff/if_you_were_to_second_guess_your_decision_to_stay/
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I told a girl I had the biggest dick in North America on record

Then when we got back to my car, I whipped out a Kanye CD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tmnj2/i_told_a_girl_i_had_the_biggest_dick_in_north/
%
That was like a weekend camping trip for a sex addicts anonymous group.

Fucking intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tmfhz/that_was_like_a_weekend_camping_trip_for_a_sex/
%
What's the smelliest breed of dog?

A poo-dle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tmdz7/whats_the_smelliest_breed_of_dog/
%
What does 80 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tma9h/what_does_80_year_old_pussy_taste_like/
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Of Dogs and Sausages

America's favorite variety of sausage is called a hot dog.
At elevated temperatures, it's a hot hot dog.
I have a pet canine that really likes to eat these elevated temperature sausages. You might say he's a hot hot dog dog.
He eats them even when he's outside in the summer. On days like that, he's a hot hot hot dog dog.
One day my friend asked me why my pet was engorging himself on its favorite food in the middle of the summer. I said to him, "He's a hot hot hot dog dog, dawg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tma6h/of_dogs_and_sausages/
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Why did the woman fall in love with the surgeon?

Because he cauterize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tm8ra/why_did_the_woman_fall_in_love_with_the_surgeon/
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I also wrote a poem, too, too

I feel.
You feel.
He feels.
She feels.
They feel.
We feel.
I know I'm not a great poet, but I've been told this is very touching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tm1ty/i_also_wrote_a_poem_too_too/
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A Chinese funeral parlor opened in my town.

It's called "Can you Bereave It"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tm1cv/a_chinese_funeral_parlor_opened_in_my_town/
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What is Captain Hook's favorite kind of humor?

Dead Pan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tm0u8/what_is_captain_hooks_favorite_kind_of_humor/
%
If I'm ever on life support unplug me

Then plug me back in see if that works

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tm0qu/if_im_ever_on_life_support_unplug_me/
%
Why are their no Walmart's in Afghanistan?

Because there's Targets everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tlyd2/why_are_their_no_walmarts_in_afghanistan/
%
I almost got raped in jail ...

My family takes monopoly way too seriously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tlwcy/i_almost_got_raped_in_jail/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar..

One says to the other: "I can't believe I just blew 40 bucks in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tlvyt/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

Because if you purchase one of their computers, you won't be able to afford health insurance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tlucp/an_apple_a_day_keeps_the_doctor_away/
%
Archaeologists digging in Egypt have found a Mummy embalmed with chocolate and hazlenuts

It's believed to be a Pharaoh Rocher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tlu5f/archaeologists_digging_in_egypt_have_found_a/
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The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tlo6b/the_world_health_organization_has_stated_that/
%
I used to work in an eastern european fraud office.

I had to check czech cheques.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tllse/i_used_to_work_in_an_eastern_european_fraud_office/
%
Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tljif/why_did_adele_cross_the_road/
%
A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father

"Well son, now that you have a kid of your own, I think it's time I give you this"
"Dad you don't mean..."
"Yes son, I do" as he pulls out his copy of 1001 Dad Jokes, 5th Edition
"Dad... I'm honored..." He says, tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honored," his father replies, "I'm dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tlj4j/a_proud_new_dad_sits_down_to_have_a_drink_with/
%
A man goes into a bar with a small piano...

He puts the piano down and out of his pocket climbs a small man that starts playing the piano. The bartender asks, "Hey man, what is that?" The man responds, "oh, I found a genie in a magic lamp, and I still have two wishes left. Do you want one?" The bartender thinks for a second, and responds, "sure, I wish for one million bucks." And in the room walks a million DUCKS. The bartender turns to the man and says, "hey Pal I think your genie is broken," and the man says "yeah, you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tlh21/a_man_goes_into_a_bar_with_a_small_piano/
%
I have a phobia of elevators...

...I'm taking steps to avoid it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tlg6c/i_have_a_phobia_of_elevators/
%
I went to see a Topless Ventriloquist last weekend.

She was awesome. I didn't see her lips move once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tld2q/i_went_to_see_a_topless_ventriloquist_last_weekend/
%
Four men go hunting...

They split up into pairs and hunt in different areas.  Later, two of the hunters come across the other pair to find one hunter bent over a tree stump with the other fucking him in the ass.
Shocked, the other hunters yell, "What the hell are you doing?"
The hunter who is doing the fucking says, "He had a heart attack."
To which the other hunters reply, "Well then you should have given him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"
"How do you think this got started?!" he replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tl9gu/four_men_go_hunting/
%
Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tl9dm/our_local_cinema_is_putting_on_a_screening_of_the/
%
How did you get out of Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tkxeo/how_did_you_get_out_of_iraq/
%
An pakistani in the US fears for his safety

Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.
So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.
Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I have never felt safer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tkv2r/an_pakistani_in_the_us_fears_for_his_safety/
%
I called a rape advice line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tkuud/i_called_a_rape_advice_line_earlier_today/
%
I told my friend a chemistry joke. He didn't react...

I wanted to tell  my girlfriend, but SHe doesn't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tko31/i_told_my_friend_a_chemistry_joke_he_didnt_react/
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2 Guys At A Urinal NSFW

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tkmyj/2_guys_at_a_urinal_nsfw/
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The C in Closed is open...

but the O in Open is closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tklyd/the_c_in_closed_is_open/
%
A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tkkr3/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_the_police/
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Well... That's Australians for you

My 4-year-old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he suddenly mumbled "Fucking shitty lid!"
My wife immediately looked at me and angrily said "I wonder where he's got that from??"
I said, "The fridge, you silly cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tkk4m/well_thats_australians_for_you/
%
How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?

*One to hold the bulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them, three to scream at the circuit breaker and belittle it for controlling power, and eight others to console the first four while they tweet about how problematic this traumatic experience has been for everyone.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tkfyq/how_many_yale_students_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I went to the library the other day..

but I couldn't get in, it was fully booked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tkfsm/i_went_to_the_library_the_other_day/
%
Do you fart in bed ?

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in !!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tkela/do_you_fart_in_bed/
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What do you get when a deaf guy tries to talk to you at a urinal?

Wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tk733/what_do_you_get_when_a_deaf_guy_tries_to_talk_to/
%
What did the naturalist say when he saw a number of rocks covered in moss?

"I'm lichen what I see"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tk6h7/what_did_the_naturalist_say_when_he_saw_a_number/
%
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tk2y2/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
%
I have a phobia of over engineered buildings

It's a complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tjxw6/i_have_a_phobia_of_over_engineered_buildings/
%
What do you call an angry terrorist?

Amin Amood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tjxc9/what_do_you_call_an_angry_terrorist/
%
I once thought about suicide.

Then I realised that there's probably better things to name our child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tjwqn/i_once_thought_about_suicide/
%
As I spread my girlfriend's ass cheeks, I thought to myself...

This is the weirdest thing I've ever had on toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tjvpc/as_i_spread_my_girlfriends_ass_cheeks_i_thought/
%
I wrote a poem too.

I sneeze.
You sneeze.
She sneezes.
He sneezes.
They sneeze.
We sneeze.
Now I know it's not a very original poem, but it's pretty sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tjlne/i_wrote_a_poem_too/
%
What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tji7a/what_do_you_call_a_snobbish_prisoner_going_down/
%
what is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?

Comet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tjbnp/what_is_a_dinosaurs_least_favorite_reindeer/
%
Yesterday I saw a girl driving next to me while texting on her phone...

I was so disgusted by her irresponsible driving that I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tjbnn/yesterday_i_saw_a_girl_driving_next_to_me_while/
%
What would you call ISIS after they've been eliminated?

WASWAS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tj7hq/what_would_you_call_isis_after_theyve_been/
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69

I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tizno/69/
%
They say it takes a whole village to raise a child

That must be a really fat kid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tizlz/they_say_it_takes_a_whole_village_to_raise_a_child/
%
Why do women live longer than men?

God gives them the time back they spent parking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tizjc/why_do_women_live_longer_than_men/
%
A team of Russian atheletes did not do well at the Olympic Games.

Putin summoned the team  together with their head coach and his chief of KGB Nikolai to his office.
"You did not do a good job", - said Putin, - "But let us focus on the future. You will do much better in the next competition. I will make sure of that. Instead of your head coach, I put Nikolai in charge of your training. What competition is next on the calendar?"
Head coach: "It's the Paralympic Games."
Putin:  "Nikolai, prepare the team!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tiyvq/a_team_of_russian_atheletes_did_not_do_well_at/
%
If honey bees make honey, what type of bees make milk?

Boo bees...... My dad just told me this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tiw7y/if_honey_bees_make_honey_what_type_of_bees_make/
%
Why are Santa's balls so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tivo8/why_are_santas_balls_so_big/
%
What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeño business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tish9/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
%
I put Red Bull in the hummingbird feeder.

I'm pretty sure I just saw one go back in time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tisc7/i_put_red_bull_in_the_hummingbird_feeder/
%
What's a North Korean farmer's favorite time of year?

Breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tirsz/whats_a_north_korean_farmers_favorite_time_of_year/
%
If you're wearing a cowboy outfit...

Does that mean you're ranch dressing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tik0l/if_youre_wearing_a_cowboy_outfit/
%
What did the ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, it just waved

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tij6o/what_did_the_ocean_say_to_the_other_ocean/
%
A couple had fight

and did not talk to each other. One day, because the husband had to wake up early the next morning, he needed his wife to wake him up around 4 am. But he did not want to talk to her first so he grabbed a paper and a pencil and wrote, "wake me up around 4. I have to get up early for my job."
The next morning, the husband was so furious because he woke up around 9. He was late because his wife did not wake her up. Then he saw a note at the table beside the bed, "wake up. It's 4."
Sorry for my bad english.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tihfz/a_couple_had_fight/
%
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?

They're both empty from the neck up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tid3j/what_do_blondes_and_beer_bottles_have_in_common/
%
Did you hear about the woman who hotboxed her burqa?

She got stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ticwj/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_hotboxed_her/
%
e and i have an argument

e says to i: get real
i responds: be rational

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tiayi/e_and_i_have_an_argument/
%
Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife?

Because he has his own shoulder to cry on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tiab3/why_doesnt_stephen_hawking_need_a_wife/
%
how big is Jared fogel's sex drive?

bout 5.6TB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ti9qy/how_big_is_jared_fogels_sex_drive/
%
How the Pirate got his patch

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "It was my first day with the new hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ti87v/how_the_pirate_got_his_patch/
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Where do poor meatballs live?

In the spaghetto.
Kudos to my friend who came up with this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ti7sr/where_do_poor_meatballs_live/
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A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train...

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to         Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face.
He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ti4s3/a_young_programmer_and_his_project_manager_board/
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This morning I made my coffee with an energy drink instead of water.

Fifteen minutes on the highway later I realized I forgot my car in the garage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ti19o/this_morning_i_made_my_coffee_with_an_energy/
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My parents think im a failure...

I cant wait to show them the A i got on my hepatitis test

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ti03w/my_parents_think_im_a_failure/
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Jared Fogle was given 15 years in prison today...

He was reportedly ok with it, and when reached for comment stated "As long as it's under 18."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3thylg/jared_fogle_was_given_15_years_in_prison_today/
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The Garden of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3thx3t/the_garden_of_eden/
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What's the difference between a hockey player and my exgirlfriend?

A hockey player will shower after 3 periods

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3thu14/whats_the_difference_between_a_hockey_player_and/
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How to explain to your parents that you are a prostitute

Hey mom, remember when I said I was tight for money? Now I'm loose for money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3thbnp/how_to_explain_to_your_parents_that_you_are_a/
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How does one know if balls are ticklish?

Test-Tickle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3thaw0/how_does_one_know_if_balls_are_ticklish/
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Visiting Child House

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door in my face.
Parents can be real jerks...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3th62o/visiting_child_house/
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I can't tell my horses apart

A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"
The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3th3my/i_cant_tell_my_horses_apart/
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When I was a boy I wanted to steal a record...

So I went into the music store and wandered around a bit, trying to look like any regular customer. When the lady at the front counter turned away for a second, I grabbed the closest record to me and stuffed it into the front of my trousers. It still had the jacket around it, so two of the corners were showing near the bottom of my shirt. I flattened it the best I could and started to calmly walk out. The lady at the counter turned back around and asked accusingly, "Son, is there a record in your pants?"
"Ma'am, it's impressive, but I don't think it's a record."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3th0vx/when_i_was_a_boy_i_wanted_to_steal_a_record/
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So I ordered a sex toy online.

It was so good, even the mail came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgzvt/so_i_ordered_a_sex_toy_online/
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh

Ten tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgy25/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
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Guy calls in sick to work....

Guy phones his boss reporting sick
Boss:"So how sick are you?"
Guy: "Well I'm in bed with my sister"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgvuy/guy_calls_in_sick_to_work/
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Why should one not talk about Titanic with a stranger?

Because it can't break the ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgv2a/why_should_one_not_talk_about_titanic_with_a/
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What's a pedophile's favorite shoe?

White vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgswg/whats_a_pedophiles_favorite_shoe/
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5 pieces of advice for men to live a happy life.

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgsmy/5_pieces_of_advice_for_men_to_live_a_happy_life/
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What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?

A quarter-pounder with cheese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgsk1/what_do_you_call_an_ethiopian_with_a_yeast/
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Radio One has banned its DJs from playing Madonna songs, saying that at 56 she is old and irrelevant.

Yeah, at the BBC they only like them young.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgrqa/radio_one_has_banned_its_djs_from_playing_madonna/
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If laziness was an Olympic sport...

I would be fourth so I wouldn't have to step up on the podium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgoa7/if_laziness_was_an_olympic_sport/
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I wrote a poem.

I dig.
You dig.
She digs.
He digs.
They dig.
We dig.
Now I know it's not a very good poem, but it's pretty deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgl99/i_wrote_a_poem/
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Why couldn't Handel play his harpsichord?

Because it was baroquen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgksg/why_couldnt_handel_play_his_harpsichord/
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The Small Skulled Boss (nsfw)

So, I'd been working at my company for a while (I won't say which one, but you probably have used their product today).  Yesterday, the CEO of the company came into our department and had a sit down with me.  When I first met him, the first thing I noticed was the size of his head.  It was the size of a baby's head.  It was all I could do to keep from staring.  After our meeting, he invited me and my co-workers out for drinks and after about six shots I finally got the courage to ask him about his tiny noggin.
He laughs and says "You caught me in a good mood.  I will tell you the story.  About ten years ago I was fishing in the Gulf of Mexico all by myself and I caught myself a mermaid.  She told me that if I let her go, she would give me three wishes.  I, of course, let her go.  I asked to be a rich man as my first wish and she made me the CEO of this company.  I asked to have luck with the ladies whenever I wanted.  In retrospect that was a wasted wish because the money takes care of that anyways.  Well, the problem came with my third wish.  I asked to fuck her and she said 'I would, but unfortunately, I am not equipped for that,' to which I replied......... How about a little head?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgk5q/the_small_skulled_boss_nsfw/
%
why do females love old gynecologists...

because of their shaky fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgi4x/why_do_females_love_old_gynecologists/
%
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tghac/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
We should invite all of the ISIS fighters to Texas.

They could have a yeehawd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tggtd/we_should_invite_all_of_the_isis_fighters_to_texas/
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A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy are sitting on a bus

The Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says "man I really hate Chinese people." The Chinese guy goes "why?" And the Jewish guy goes "because you guys bombed Pearl Harbor!" The Chinese guy says "that wasn't us that was the Japanese!" The Jewish guy replies "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese you're all the same!"
So the Chinese guy thinks about this and then says "well you know what? I really hate Jewish people!" And the Jewish guy goes "why?" And the Chinese guy goes "because you guys sunk the titanic!" The Jewish guy says "that wasn't us! That was an iceberg!" The Chinese guy replies "iceberg, Weinberg, Steinberg you're all the same!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgf60/a_jewish_guy_and_a_chinese_guy_are_sitting_on_a/
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There are two kinds of people in this world.

Those who infer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tgaz9/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
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A plane crashed on an island...

... and there were only 3 survivors. After wandering the island, the 3 survivors ran into a native tribe. The tribe said "If you can fit 10 of any fruit up your ass without making a sound, you will become the leader of our tribe, but if you make a sound, we will cook you and eat you.
The first man chooses apples, he shoves up 2 apples and starts screaming, the tribe cooks him and eats him.
The second man chooses cherries and fits 9 up, but starts howling after the 9th cherry, so the tribe cooks him and eats him.
Up in heaven, the first man says to the second man "Why did you make a sound? You were almost there!"
The second man says "Well, I would have done it, but I saw our other friend coming back with watermelons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tg8zn/a_plane_crashed_on_an_island/
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I have a good joke about a nice balloon.

Oh wait. It just got away from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tg6f5/i_have_a_good_joke_about_a_nice_balloon/
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Cancer research scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tg3rx/cancer_research_scientists_have_grown_human_vocal/
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Antman receives a call from a Marine Biologist at Seaworld...

A marine biologist working with Seaworld calls Antman to help him with one of his juvenile Orcas.  He tells him that due to the orca's sexual maturity fast approaching, he needs to perform a vasectomy to prevent him from getting to aggressive with the females.
Antman agrees, shrinks down, and is injected into the Orca. He performs the micro-surgery, but gets stuck in the urethra.
Just at this moment, the creature starts to get arroused. Naturally this has never happened to the orca before, and he does whatever it is teens do to relieve his condition.
Antman is suddenly expelled into the tank, and grows back to human size as he screams, "THANK YOU!"
The orca looks confused and says, "You're...Whale cum?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tg1ts/antman_receives_a_call_from_a_marine_biologist_at/
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Three Nuns die and go to heaven.

Three Nuns die and go to heaven, but in order to enter, they must prove their faith by answering one question each.
The first nun was asked "Who was the first man on earth?"
The nun replies "Obviously it was Adam"
The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open. The first nun walks through.
The second nun was asked "Who was the first woman on earth?"
"Easy" says the second nun "It was Eve"
The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open. The second nun walks through.
The third nun was then asked "What was the first thing Eve ever said to Adam?"
The nun, stumped by the question, says "Boy, that's a hard one."
The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfysh/three_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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Shoutout to rattlesnakes and condoms...

Because I don't fuck with either of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfxp6/shoutout_to_rattlesnakes_and_condoms/
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Hunters

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfvvh/hunters/
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I told my friend to stop telling jokes about the Abominable Snowman

Yeti still does

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfub3/i_told_my_friend_to_stop_telling_jokes_about_the/
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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says, "I have a big chest, maybe I have the biggest chest in the world!" The third guys says, "I have a small dick, maybe I have the smallest dick in the world!" So they each submit their applications to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters. A week later, the book is published, and they all gather around to see the results. The first guy opens the book and says, "Hey look! I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy looks and says "Wow! I can't believe I have the biggest chest in the world!" And the third guys looks and says, "...Who the fuck is [insert name of one of the listeners]?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfo1k/the_best_joke_to_tell_at_parties/
%
Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfmo5/why_was_han_solo_so_suspicious_when_he_put_his/
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"It's a boy!"

I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfmmw/its_a_boy/
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Opinions are like orgasms.

I don't care if a woman has one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfl0o/opinions_are_like_orgasms/
%
A little boy sees his grandpa drinking bourbon and gets curious...[NSFW]

A little boy sees his grandpa drinking bourbon and gets curious. "Grandpa," he says, "Can I have some of your drink." His grandpa responds, "Can your dick reach your butthole yet?" The little boy is confused and says no. "Well then you're too young to drink my bourbon, son."
A few days later the boy sees his grandfather smoking a cigar. "Can I try some of your cigar grandpa?" He asks. "Well son, that depends. Can your dick reach your butthole yet?" The boy knows what is coming and says no, so grandpa tells him he is too young to smoke the cigar.
The next day the boy is eating an ice-cream cone when his grandpa gets home. His grandpa asks for a bit of the boys ice-cream, so the little boy asks, "Can your dick touch your butthole, grandpa?" Grandpa responds," Yes of course it can." So the little boy says, "Well go fuck yourself grandpa because this is my ice-cream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfkzu/a_little_boy_sees_his_grandpa_drinking_bourbon/
%
I never knew how smart Dolphins were...

They are so smart that after only a few weeks of captivity they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfkxk/i_never_knew_how_smart_dolphins_were/
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A Hindu candle company has released a "Nirvana" scented candle.

It smells like teen spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfi6j/a_hindu_candle_company_has_released_a_nirvana/
%
A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet...

he got lost at C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfhjm/a_fisherman_was_trying_to_learn_the_alphabet/
%
Hitler says...

"I order the execution of 6 million Jews and 1 clown!"
His officer responds with
"Why the clown?"
To which Hitler replies with
"See! No one cares about the Jews!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tffpr/hitler_says/
%
Husband: Doctor. I think my wife has symptoms of deafness. I talk to her at home and she's not answering me.

Doctor: Okay. Next time you're at home with her ​​try this: Stay at a certain distance from her and tell her anything. If she doesn't answer you go a bit closer and try again until she answers.
The husband goes home, his wife comes home from work and start making dinner. The husband get far from her and asks.
Husband: Maria! What's for dinner?
The woman didn't answers so he approaches some more.
Husband: Maria!  What's for dinner?
Again the woman didn't respond and he approaches again.
Husband: Maria! What's for dinner?
One more time she didn't answers so the husband gives up, goes to his wife and asks her.
Husband: Maria... what 's for dinner?
Woman: For the love of God man, I already told you 3 times that dinner is fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfecp/husband_doctor_i_think_my_wife_has_symptoms_of/
%
Why didn't the hipster have HIV?

He fucked Charlie Sheen before he was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfe4h/why_didnt_the_hipster_have_hiv/
%
Pretty woman sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfdo5/pretty_woman_sneezes/
%
Two gay men are travelling...

...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfco1/two_gay_men_are_travelling/
%
Why did the pervert cross the road?

He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfbl3/why_did_the_pervert_cross_the_road/
%
A boy is going to buy tickets to prom...

...for him and his girlfriend.  The line for the tickets is very long, but he waits it out.  He then goes to rent a limousine and again there was a long line and again he waited it out.  He needs one more thing, a tuxedo.  So he goes to buy one and there's a long line, but he waits this one out too.  So now comes the prom he and his girlfriend arrive in their newly rented limo, him in his tux and his girlfriend in her beautiful dress.  They get into the prom and his girlfriend asks him to get her some punch.  So he walks over to where the punch is, and there's no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tf923/a_boy_is_going_to_buy_tickets_to_prom/
%
Do you know any sodium jokes?

Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tf82z/do_you_know_any_sodium_jokes/
%
Tell a joke that is well-known in your country

Even jokes that are poorly translated are normally funny because they're so bad.
An example of a well-known British joke is:
'Knock knock'.
'Who's there?'
'Doctor'
'Doctor Who?'
'You just said it'.
It has to be one that if you asked 100 random people in your country most would know it.
*SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLEASE*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tf2zu/tell_a_joke_that_is_wellknown_in_your_country/
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Lawyers

A woman walks into the lawyer's office and says, "Excuse me, what's your rate?"
The Lawyer says, "Fifty dollars for three questions."
The woman is shocked. "Isn't that a little steep?"
" Yes," says the lawyer."What's your third question?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tewm9/lawyers/
%
i was at a restaurant last night and my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slow because obviously she doesn't listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tesyt/i_was_at_a_restaurant_last_night_and_my_waitress/
%
How often do you like jokes about elements?

Periodically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3teren/how_often_do_you_like_jokes_about_elements/
%
Why do traffic lights never go swimming?

Because they spend too much time changing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3teqkx/why_do_traffic_lights_never_go_swimming/
%
What do you call a mentally disabled firefighter?

Flame retardant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3teqhr/what_do_you_call_a_mentally_disabled_firefighter/
%
I like to tickle my girlfriend when we have anal sex

Just for shits and giggles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tenjh/i_like_to_tickle_my_girlfriend_when_we_have_anal/
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How much sex do couples have?

Newly weds: "Tri-weekly."
After 10 years: "Try weekly."
After 30 years, "Try, weakly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3temtw/how_much_sex_do_couples_have/
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How can you tell if a 14 year old smokes weed?

Just wait. They'll tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tef2o/how_can_you_tell_if_a_14_year_old_smokes_weed/
%
What do Zero and Nil have in common?

Absolutely nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tecz7/what_do_zero_and_nil_have_in_common/
%
Imagine if people referenced the Beach Boys more often!

Wouldn't it be nice?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3teah4/imagine_if_people_referenced_the_beach_boys_more/
%
Did you hear about the jihadist birthday party?

It was a blast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3te8pw/did_you_hear_about_the_jihadist_birthday_party/
%
Why will people click on any link with sperm or eggs in the headline?

Hey, sex cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3te6nj/why_will_people_click_on_any_link_with_sperm_or/
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Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub...

and my sister commented that the hair on her ‘‘privates’’ was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don’t grow on a racetrack".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3te4qc/once_when_my_grandma_stepped_out_of_the_bathtub/
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Right and Wrong

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tdvmn/right_and_wrong/
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Welcome back to /u/JokeExplainBot

I banned on a rule that we had enforced in the past. However, we talked the issue over and were able to reach common ground.  Sorry for any trouble this caused.
/u/ElderCunningham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tduw5/welcome_back_to_ujokeexplainbot/
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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,
Mom.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tdtb7/a_mom_visits_her_son_for_dinner_who_lives_with_a/
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Always Pay Attention!

After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.
Then the Nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear:
"Who was that?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tdsxb/always_pay_attention/
%
How do you get whole race to hate you?

Blow up the finish line. (I figured 2 years was long enough)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tdkyl/how_do_you_get_whole_race_to_hate_you/
%
My son was born without eyelids...

The Dr suggested a new procedure using his foreskin after circumcision to replace his missing lids. The only possible complication was that he would be a little cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tdhdb/my_son_was_born_without_eyelids/
%
My dad just told me this one.

What do Justin Beiber and Christmas trees have in common? Their balls are only for decoration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tdh7k/my_dad_just_told_me_this_one/
%
I decided to make a website so rednecks can find out and track who their ancestors were...

I named it Incestry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tded0/i_decided_to_make_a_website_so_rednecks_can_find/
%
They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

This is my 56th time posting this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3td4e7/they_say_insanity_is_doing_the_same_thing_over/
%
If you met an eel in a top hat...

...that would be Sir Eel.
(say it out loud)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3td2n5/if_you_met_an_eel_in_a_top_hat/
%
The neighbour's dog has been shitting in my garden for weeks.

My girlfriend said I should get the shovel and throw it over their fence.
I'm not sure what it was supposed to accomplish, though. The shit is still there and now the neighbours have our shovel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3td138/the_neighbours_dog_has_been_shitting_in_my_garden/
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The "Personal life" section of my Wikipedia article is actually pretty accurate.

It's non-existent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3td0zs/the_personal_life_section_of_my_wikipedia_article/
%
Did you guys hear about that Egyptian con-artist?

Turns out he was running a pyramid scheme all along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tcudu/did_you_guys_hear_about_that_egyptian_conartist/
%
Anal with my girlfriend made my whole day...

But it made her hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tctgy/anal_with_my_girlfriend_made_my_whole_day/
%
What's the difference between a freezer and a woman?

A freezer doesn't fart when I pull my meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tcszr/whats_the_difference_between_a_freezer_and_a_woman/
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What is the difference between a hyper-active gamer and someone with a predilection of violence towards sheep?

One's a button masher, and the other is a mutton basher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tcr76/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hyperactive/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping?

He woke up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tcpzs/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping/
%
A bakery owner hires a young, attractive female clerk ...

...who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and spots the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
Another young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided an excellent view, too.
Once she descends the ladder, he muses that he really should get two loaves because he is having company for dinner. As the shapely clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated, and thinking she is going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tcoof/a_bakery_owner_hires_a_young_attractive_female/
%
Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with a girl in a laundry mat.

The newspaper the next day reads:
"Nut screws washers and bolts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tcgsu/man_escapes_from_insane_asylum_and_has_sex_with_a/
%
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith

and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."
The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!"
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tcfqv/an_elderly_lady_was_wellknown_for_her_faith/
%
A girl asked if I play any Indian instruments.

I told her I play mandolin, violin and cello. Close, but no sitar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tcbzu/a_girl_asked_if_i_play_any_indian_instruments/
%
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

...that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand"
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tc6jn/a_guy_falls_in_love_with_a_very_traditional_and/
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A man takes his daughter to the toy shop to buy a Barbie doll.

There are three Barbie dolls in the shop window. Sports Barbie wearing tight shorts and a halter top lifting weights. Business Barbie wearing an expensive business suit and carrying a briefcase on her way to an important meeting. Divorced Barbie wearing designer clothing and a pearl necklace. Sports Barbie and business Barbie each costs 25 dollars. Divorced Barbie costs 1000 dollars. The man and his daughter enter the toy shop. The man asks a shop assistant 'Why does divorced Barbie costs 1000 dollars, while the other Barbies each costs 25 dollars?' 'Well,' says the shop assistant, 'if you buy divorced Barbie you also get Ken's house, Ken's car and all of Ken's possessions.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tc56t/a_man_takes_his_daughter_to_the_toy_shop_to_buy_a/
%
A pioneer family is making its way across the prairie....

... when they come upon a Native American laying with his ear to the ground.
He gestures off into the distance and says "Wagon train, 3 miles east of here. 12 adults, 8 children, 16 oxen. Carrying a week's worth of supplies and moving at 6 miles-per-hour."
"Wow!" says one of the pioneers, amazed. "You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"
"No" replies the man. "Fucking ran over me half an hour ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tc10c/a_pioneer_family_is_making_its_way_across_the/
%
Why don't Jews eat pussy?

Because it's too close to the gas chamber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tc0ug/why_dont_jews_eat_pussy/
%
I tried to donate a kidney once...

...they wouldn't take it though because I wouldn't tell them where I got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tbvrs/i_tried_to_donate_a_kidney_once/
%
'When 3 Drunk Man in a Bar'

One day there were 3 men in a bar. They all got drunk and went home. The next day, they gathered together and talked about how drunk they were. The first guy said, "I was so drunk last night, I made out with the lamp." The second guy said, "That's nothing, I got my DUI." The third guy said, "I went home and blew chunks." The first and second guy asked the third guy what was so bad about that and the third guy said, "NO! You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tbuv5/when_3_drunk_man_in_a_bar/
%
Say what you will about ISIS...

But you can't deny their suicide business is booming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tbujh/say_what_you_will_about_isis/
%
Why did the police chief tell his officers to show up 15 minutes early to the political demonstration?

To beat the crowds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tbu4m/why_did_the_police_chief_tell_his_officers_to/
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What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover?

100 meter Daesh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tbsl5/what_do_you_call_it_when_isis_soldiers_run_for/
%
What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

a new last name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tbrm7/what_does_a_polish_bride_get_on_her_wedding_night/
%
I began writing a book titled "Coping with Premature Ejaculation"

I finished pretty quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tbl01/i_began_writing_a_book_titled_coping_with/
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There was a man who managed the feat of 100 children

He named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving.
One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation.
One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tbjs7/there_was_a_man_who_managed_the_feat_of_100/
%
"A Marine and his commanding officer.....!!!"

A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The marine shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tbjkt/a_marine_and_his_commanding_officer/
%
A man wins the lottery..

And comes home and says to his wife, "Hey I won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
And his wife replies, "That's great! Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
The man replies, "I don't care, just get the hell out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tbi3v/a_man_wins_the_lottery/
%
Why are Jewish men circumsised?

Because Jewish women only touch things 20% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tbgyl/why_are_jewish_men_circumsised/
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The Golden Toilet

Jim and Jenny just came back from an amazing party and had a really great time. The hosts were relatively wealthy people and had spent quite an amount for the celebration.
Jim has not even taken off his shoes when Jenny excitedly says, 'Jim, did you notice that the toilet was made of gold? God, those people have so much money.'
Jim - I don't think there was a golden toilet, they can't be so rich.
Jenny - I'm sure, oh my God, I was there!
Jim disagrees, but Jenny is persistent. So they decide to find out the next day.
The next day, they go back to the party house and the groggy eyed Host welcomes them in. 'did you guys lose something here last night?'
Jenny - No, actually, I wanted to show Jim the Golden Toilet you have.
Host, calling out to his wife - 'Honey, there's the lady who shit on your trumpet.'
Source: my flatmate - he heard it somewhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tbbcb/the_golden_toilet/
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Where did Ronda Rousey learn how to take a punch?

Holm School

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tb6uw/where_did_ronda_rousey_learn_how_to_take_a_punch/
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It only takes 3 inches to please a woman

And it doesn't matter if it's visa or MasterCard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tb6pk/it_only_takes_3_inches_to_please_a_woman/
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NSFW. Bob is complaining about his sex life..

.. to his friend Joe.
"It's so boring, just one position, in-out repeat as necessary while Jane just stares at the ceiling."
Joe strokes his chin thoughtfully and says "you need to start being dynamic, spontaneous, dominant and innovative! As soon as she comes to bed just surprise her and have your way with her!"
Later that night as soon as Jane enters the bedroom she is thrown against the door and ravished vigorously, Bob is hugely turned on by her groans and screams and says to himself "I'm a goddamned sexual tyrannosaurus!"
When Bob is done however and getting ready for bed he can't help but notice Jane is still against the door moaning and groaning.
"I knew I was good but not that good." Bob boasts.
"I..I..can't..move...you idiot...the doorknob is stuck in my asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tb59d/nsfw_bob_is_complaining_about_his_sex_life/
%
I'm a practicing Catholic

But I'm not ready to go pro just yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tauyc/im_a_practicing_catholic/
%
Argon walks into a bar

The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here."
Argon doesn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tar8o/argon_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do the Sith ascend?

Elevaders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tap3n/how_do_the_sith_ascend/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee...

...without a penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tanf5/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
when the boys started to swear...

There are two brothers, aged four and six.
The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."
The four year old says "OK."
The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'HELL' and you say 'ASS.'
"The four year old says "OK."
So they go downstairs and their mother says
"What would you boys like for breakfast?
"The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."
WHACK!
The kid goes flying across the room.
The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
The four year old says
"I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not corn flakes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3taj39/when_the_boys_started_to_swear/
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What do you call 'a woman's understanding'?

Misunderstanding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tahb8/what_do_you_call_a_womans_understanding/
%
Phone Call Joke

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tahaz/phone_call_joke/
%
What's the worst animal to play cards with?

A cheetah.
Because it'll rip your fucking face off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tagna/whats_the_worst_animal_to_play_cards_with/
%
The Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tabje/the_boss/
%
The news about Charlie Sheen having HIV is the only positive thing I have been reading in my Facebook timeline all week.

No pun intended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tabfg/the_news_about_charlie_sheen_having_hiv_is_the/
%
Ants Dancing

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3taa42/ants_dancing/
%
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

>**Because they lactose**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ta8df/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
%
How do you organize a space party?

You planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ta7s8/how_do_you_organize_a_space_party/
%
Why is the ocean salty?

Because land doesn't wave back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ta5nt/why_is_the_ocean_salty/
%
I like my puns like I like my sausages...

the wurst ones are the best.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ta3k3/i_like_my_puns_like_i_like_my_sausages/
%
If I ever had the chance to name a new road, I'd call it "Skin Road".

Just so I could laugh at the people living at number 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t9oli/if_i_ever_had_the_chance_to_name_a_new_road_id/
%
Punny wednesday

The phone rang 'green green' and so I pink up the phone.
"Yellow? Blue is this? Can you speak louder? I can't hear you purplerly, I'll call you black later."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t9o69/punny_wednesday/
%
Why is it difficult to punish vampires?

They can't reflect on what they've done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t9fhk/why_is_it_difficult_to_punish_vampires/
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Husband Give compliment To Wife

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror…
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
“I feel horrible;  I LOOK OLD, fat and ugly…
I really need you to pay me a compliment.
” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t9dcp/husband_give_compliment_to_wife/
%
If I have HIV I hope I find out from a Doctor, like Charlie Sheen did

And not from the TV, like his ex girlfriends did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t9byu/if_i_have_hiv_i_hope_i_find_out_from_a_doctor/
%
I Used To Be Against Sodomy

Butt fuck it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t9akn/i_used_to_be_against_sodomy/
%
You know what they say about non sequiturs...

I LOVE pineapple upside down cake!
(I just made this up today, and I'm so proud. I told my coworkers, but they told me to stop doing drugs.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t988h/you_know_what_they_say_about_non_sequiturs/
%
A rich man & a poor man have the same wedding anniversary...

They both go to Sacs Fifth Avenue to get a gift.  The poor man asks the rich man, "What did you get your wife this year?". The rich man responds, " I got her a diamond ring & a Mercedes Benz" to which the poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?". So the rich man says, "I got both so that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can drive the Mercedes to return it & still be happy. So, what did you get your wife this year?"  The poor man responds, "I got my wife a pair of slippers & a dildo". The rich man is confused & finally asks the same, " Why'd you get her both the pair of slippers & a dildo?". He tells him, "So that if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
This joke, although retold poorly, came from Tony Soprano on an old Sopranos episode. I always get a laugh from it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t964z/a_rich_man_a_poor_man_have_the_same_wedding/
%
What do you call a wolf with Stockholm Syndrome?

A Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t95qp/what_do_you_call_a_wolf_with_stockholm_syndrome/
%
How to make friends with girls...

Ask them to be your girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t8xe5/how_to_make_friends_with_girls/
%
Go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we's privates," says Jasper.
"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t8vjh/go_look_in_the_dictionary_and_see_what_gonorrhoea/
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The Magician

The magician said he would disappear on the count of three.
He counted uno...dos...but he was gone without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t8iki/the_magician/
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I thought about another woman while having sex with my wife

so to make up for it...
I thought of my wife while having sex with another woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t8i80/i_thought_about_another_woman_while_having_sex/
%
What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t8gzp/what_do_you_do_if_you_come_across_a_tiger_in_the/
%
What do accountants use for birth control?

Their personalities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t8181/what_do_accountants_use_for_birth_control/
%
I got a boner at a funeral today....

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t7xix/i_got_a_boner_at_a_funeral_today/
%
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t7skt/my_grandpa_said_your_generation_relies_too_much/
%
What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors?

Ereptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t7jm4/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_chameleon_cant_change/
%
I'm pretty sure Charlie Sheen doesn't know where he got HIV.

He swears it was [Magic](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magic_Johnson#HIV_activism).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t7gxk/im_pretty_sure_charlie_sheen_doesnt_know_where_he/
%
what did the sign outside the rehab center say?

"Keep off the grass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t7cii/what_did_the_sign_outside_the_rehab_center_say/
%
A day with no sunshine is like.....

night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t7b06/a_day_with_no_sunshine_is_like/
%
"Two accountants go to their credit union!!"

Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t7axc/two_accountants_go_to_their_credit_union/
%
Q: What does a horny toad say?

A: Rubbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t7a3x/q_what_does_a_horny_toad_say/
%
whats the difference between Michael Phelps and adolf hitler

Michael Phelps can finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t79c0/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
%
A blonde mother is cleaning the dishes when suddenly...

Her similarly blonde daughter rushes in. She's rather excited and is holding a box.
"Mom! Mom! I finally finished that super hard puzzle I've been working on for a year!"
Her mother is happy, but puzzled. "Let me see that!" she says as she takes it from her daughters grasp.
Her puzzled expression turns into surprise and joy. "You really did do it! Even in the time limit!"
"Time limit?" asks the daughter.
"Yeah! Look here. Underneath the "Made in China" thing, it says 2-5 years on the bottom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t74u9/a_blonde_mother_is_cleaning_the_dishes_when/
%
A lounge owner is looking for a new pianist...

A man comes in to audition for the owner. He asks, "Is it alright if I play an original piece?"
The owner says, "That's fine. Begin whenever you're ready."
The man plays a beautiful score. The owner is so moved and overcome with emotion he can barely contain himself. When the pianist finishes, the owner says, "That was brilliant! What is it called?"
The man says, "That song is called, 'Menstrual Juices on a Dirty Dish Towel."
The owner is taken aback and slightly offended, but he asks to hear another one of the man's original songs. The pianist obliges and plays a song even more beautiful than the first one, bringing the lounge owner to the brink of tears.
"Remarkable!" Says the owner. "What do you call that one?"
"That one is called, 'Smother the lady with a hairy ballsack.'" replies the man.
Completely baffled at how such a talented artist could name his songs something so vulgar, the owner offers him the job. "I have one condition, however," says the owner. "Just don't tell anybody the names of your songs."
The man agrees. On his first night in front of a large crowd, the pianist is struggling with anxiety and nervousness. So, he decides to go to the bathroom and jerk off to relieve the tension. When he returns and takes the stage, a patron in the front row asks, "Hey man, do you know your cock is out and there's cum on your pants?"
The man says, "Know it? I fucking wrote it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t72mw/a_lounge_owner_is_looking_for_a_new_pianist/
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An American businessman . . .

. . . travels to Mexico on a company-paid trip for a little R&R. One of the nights he and his co-workers hit the local bar, where he order the tilapa fish tacos, and the man swears these are the best tacos he's ever had in his life. He gets an idea and demands to see the chef, who turns out to be a middle-aged local with no understanding of English. While one of his friends translates, the businessman explains his idea.
"These tacos are the best I've ever had. You could really grow a business out of this. What do you do all day?"
After the translations are finished, the local replies, "I fish every day in the mornings, then spend the rest of the day with my family. My wife and I prepare the fish together, and I play with my kids. In the evening, I cook a few meals for some extra money so I can go fishing again."
The businessman scoffs and cuts the air with his hand. "You have it all wrong, mi amigo! Here's what you need to do: First, hire a bunch of others to do your fishing for you. You and your wife get cooking all day, everyday. Make a name for yourself and hire more people to sell your product to all the restaurants in the area until you're a local name. Then open your own place, work hard day and night and make it a success then open another and another, delegating and training more people to take over sections of the business. Grow and expand into other towns, invest in advertising, eventually open up a franchise and go international! At the height of your business, sell it! You'll make a fortune."
The local waits for the translation, thinks carefully, then asks, "and what would I do with this fortune?"
The businessman laughs and replies, "Whatever you want! You could go fishing everyday, spend all the time with your family, cooking with your wife, playing with your kids . . . "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t70na/an_american_businessman/
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Homeless girl

I asked a pretty, young, Homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t6wtg/homeless_girl/
%
Paddy Irishman goes to the Zoo

Zoo keeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500?". Paddy replies, " Ok, I will on 3 conditions:
1st, I'm not going to kiss it.
2nd,  my family must never know.
3rd, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t6wtf/paddy_irishman_goes_to_the_zoo/
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My wife's so ungrateful

The other day I gave her a massive orgasm, and she just spit it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t6s8a/my_wifes_so_ungrateful/
%
Give man a jacket and he'll be warm when he goes outside.

Teach a man to jack it and he'll never go outside again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t6rae/give_man_a_jacket_and_hell_be_warm_when_he_goes/
%
I took my grandfather to the mall the other day

While circling the lot trying to find a place to park, he said out of nowhere "These spots are like the women my age"
I looked at him blankly.
"They're all taken or handicapped!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t6geu/i_took_my_grandfather_to_the_mall_the_other_day/
%
A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t698h/a_policeman_knocked_on_my_door_this_morning/
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What do you call a camera mounted on a ISIS-truck?

a daeshcam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t6647/what_do_you_call_a_camera_mounted_on_a_isistruck/
%
Charlie Sheen Says He Has HIV...

Finally a positive in his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t6581/charlie_sheen_says_he_has_hiv/
%
I used to have Multiple Personality Disorder...

But now we don't!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t63hg/i_used_to_have_multiple_personality_disorder/
%
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t63cg/women_always_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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The Bakery

There once was a father and son who owned a bakery. Ron Sr and Ron Jr.
They made pastries, bread loaves, and even a few sandwiches. Their most popular item on the menu was rye bread.
One morning, their oven stopped working. They were both panicking.
Shortly after they realized the oven wasn't working, a customer comes in to order a loaf of rye bread.
They had to explain to the customer, that the oven was down, and they'll have to close early for the day.
So in the end...
Two Rons don't make a rye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t61bc/the_bakery/
%
Did you hear about the lumberjack who worked overtime?

He logged a lot of hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t60gx/did_you_hear_about_the_lumberjack_who_worked/
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Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t600p/why_was_e_the_only_letter_in_the_alphabet_to_get/
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I left my house for a five-mile-run this morning. But when I got a block away, I had to turn around and go back because I forgot something.

I forgot I can't run five miles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5z9z/i_left_my_house_for_a_fivemilerun_this_morning/
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With all the negativity in the world today...

...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5z8o/with_all_the_negativity_in_the_world_today/
%
I always post things in the right sub.

I guess you could say I do it subconsciously.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5xk6/i_always_post_things_in_the_right_sub/
%
A couple wants to have a quickie...

...but their son is in the house. So they tell him to go out on the balcony and tell them what's going on in the neighborhood while they do their thing. He proceeds to the balcony and begins reporting what he sees. "Looks like the Jeffersons got a new dog." he said. "Oh! And the Alans are moving out." he exclaimed. "Look at that. Looks like the Johnsons are having sex." The couple stops dead. "How do you know the Johnsons are making love?" said the boys father. After a short pause he replies, "Becase their kid is out on the balcony."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5wik/a_couple_wants_to_have_a_quickie/
%
Are news readers secretly insulting you?

**Moron this story later.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5uj9/are_news_readers_secretly_insulting_you/
%
What do you call an indecisive German Shepard

K Nein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5su6/what_do_you_call_an_indecisive_german_shepard/
%
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.

I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5sbx/i_just_killed_a_huge_spider_crawling_along_the/
%
Whats the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at a mental hospital?

The patients are the ones who eventually get better and get to go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5rqz/whats_the_difference_between_the_psychiatrists/
%
I used to get sharp pains in my eye when I drank coffee...

My doctor said, take the spoon out of the mug

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5gyd/i_used_to_get_sharp_pains_in_my_eye_when_i_drank/
%
I almost got killed because my Superman cloak wasn't the correct size.

It was a narrow "S" cape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5d9u/i_almost_got_killed_because_my_superman_cloak/
%
I tried acting in porn movies but

I only had small parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5czg/i_tried_acting_in_porn_movies_but/
%
Teacher to child: 'do you know how to spell banana?

Child: 'Yes, but I don't know when to stop'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5c17/teacher_to_child_do_you_know_how_to_spell_banana/
%
My father always said to me "son it's always best to fight fire with fire"...

and that is probably why he was kicked out of the fire service

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t56le/my_father_always_said_to_me_son_its_always_best/
%
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a crap."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5576/a_man_was_walking_his_dog_through_the_graveyard/
%
What's long and black and dangerous to cut into?

The KFC Drive-thru line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t53yc/whats_long_and_black_and_dangerous_to_cut_into/
%
What do you call a Chinese man allergic to dogs?

Starving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5309/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_man_allergic_to_dogs/
%
Why did the Muslim fail his Chemistry Exam ?

because to him, Alcohol is not a solution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t505o/why_did_the_muslim_fail_his_chemistry_exam/
%
Beautiful?

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t4ze5/beautiful/
%
An irishman walks into a bar and he sees 2 fine young ladies

He approaches them and asks, "ye lassies look fine to me, whaddaya say we hit the bedroom?"
One of the girl nervously replies, "i'm sorry, but we're lesbians".
Then the irishman says "What the bloody ell does that mean?"
The other girl replies "well, it means we like to have sex with women."
The irishman looks up and shouts at the bartender, "3 beers for us lesbians."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t4vyl/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar_and_he_sees_2_fine/
%
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road...

They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t4txg/a_married_couple_are_driving_along_when_they_see/
%
How can you tell a gamer from a rugby player?

Ask them if they play league.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t4ras/how_can_you_tell_a_gamer_from_a_rugby_player/
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A man escapes from prison after being there 15 years

. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, and then ties the girl to the bed. He gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife,"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t4f64/a_man_escapes_from_prison_after_being_there_15/
%
I saw a man drinking brake fluid.

But then he stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t4enm/i_saw_a_man_drinking_brake_fluid/
%
What do you call fast midget house cleaners?

Minute maids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t4dzk/what_do_you_call_fast_midget_house_cleaners/
%
“Help! Help me!”

When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don a costume and act like an ape until the zoo can get another one.
In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t4c9c/help_help_me/
%
"32 years old"

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t4a85/32_years_old/
%
What do you call a group of Mexicans on drugs?

Baked Beans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t43sn/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_mexicans_on_drugs/
%
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t42fi/my_wife_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out_instead_of/
%
Why does Caitlyn Jenner feel like her kids see though her?

I guess she is trans parent now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t3zek/why_does_caitlyn_jenner_feel_like_her_kids_see/
%
My uncle survived a fall of 39 stories off a building

Unfortunately, he fell off the 40th story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t3z9f/my_uncle_survived_a_fall_of_39_stories_off_a/
%
A Spanish speaking magician

says that he will disappear on the count of three. "Uno.. Dos.." and poof! He was gone without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t3y53/a_spanish_speaking_magician/
%
My doctor said my blood sodium level is apparently too high

but I take everything with a grain of salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t3wkx/my_doctor_said_my_blood_sodium_level_is/
%
Why is Yoda afraid of 7?

Because 9, 7 8.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t3vj5/why_is_yoda_afraid_of_7/
%
Did you hear about the new low fat religion?

"I Can't Believe Its Not Buddha"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t3v5g/did_you_hear_about_the_new_low_fat_religion/
%
What is the difference between a hooker and an onion?

I don't cry when I chop the hooker up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t3qog/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_an/
%
Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11?

Americans can't milk a cow for 14 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t3pld/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_911/
%
"I'm thinking of running a marathon again." I told my friend.

"You've run a marathon before?" she asked, with an air of admiration.
I said, "No, but I've thought about it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t3k7v/im_thinking_of_running_a_marathon_again_i_told_my/
%
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t3j9r/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_an_award/
%
What do you call two identical boobs?

Identitties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t3idm/what_do_you_call_two_identical_boobs/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the Snow?

I don't know. Just look for the Fresh prints! Ha ha.
He's also black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t3dx4/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
Reddit is really a green community.

considering all the recycled content on here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t37ej/reddit_is_really_a_green_community/
%
Why couldn't the incontinent man print his documents?

He couldn't Ctrl+P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t2z21/why_couldnt_the_incontinent_man_print_his/
%
Reddit is really a green community,

considering all the recycled content on here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t2y11/reddit_is_really_a_green_community/
%
I told my hairdresser to just take a little bit off.

It makes me more relaxed when I can see her breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t2wvh/i_told_my_hairdresser_to_just_take_a_little_bit/
%
Things I hate:

lists, Oxford commas, and irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t2tl5/things_i_hate/
%
What do you call an Irish threesome?

Dublin up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t2qx8/what_do_you_call_an_irish_threesome/
%
He must pay...

Husband and wife had a fight. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t2oiw/he_must_pay/
%
It's Dark In Here.

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t2lwv/its_dark_in_here/
%
Why are branches attached to trees?

Because they stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t2ld5/why_are_branches_attached_to_trees/
%
What did he say?

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t2flf/what_did_he_say/
%
Have I got a favourite 70's rock band?

Yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t2d17/have_i_got_a_favourite_70s_rock_band/
%
A Japanese woman went to the bank to exchange yen to US dollars.

The teller gave her $100. A few weeks later, she gave the teller the same amount of yen, but she was given only $90.
She said, "What wrong? I give yen, you only give 90 dorrah?!"
The teller shrugged and said "Fluctuations?"
The woman said "Fuck you white peopre too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t27v9/a_japanese_woman_went_to_the_bank_to_exchange_yen/
%
Why did the vegetable kill himself?

He didn't carrot all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t25do/why_did_the_vegetable_kill_himself/
%
All my life, I've wanted to learn how to juggle...

But I never had the balls to try

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t24gl/all_my_life_ive_wanted_to_learn_how_to_juggle/
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Women are like condoms...

...they spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t2361/women_are_like_condoms/
%
A tale of two brothers.

One brother is 8, the other is 6. One day the 8 year old decides they're going to be "men" and start cursing in front of people. They're up in their room before breakfast, and the 8 year old talks the 6 year old into it:
8YO: Okay, when we get down to breakfast, you say "ass" and I say "hell".
6YO: hehehehe okay.
So they go down to breakfast...Mom's barely awake, hasn't had her first cup of coffee yet, asks the 8 year old, "Whaddaya want for breakfast?"
The 8 year old looks her dead in the eye, and says, "Aw, hell, gimme some Cheerios".
Mom's eyes go from half-shut to WIDE OPEN, and BAM! smacks him right across the face, and while the 8 year old is running upstairs in tears, she turns on the 6 year old and says "What do YOU want for breakfast???"
After a pause, the 6 year old gulped, and said:
"I dunno, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t22co/a_tale_of_two_brothers/
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Three men die and go to heaven.

God tells the men that if they do not step on a duck, he will give them a hot wife. The first man goes and steps on a duck and is taken to his ugly wife.
The second man does the same and is also taken to an ugly wife.
The third man was determined not to do anything so he didn't move. Eventually God came back with a hot woman and the man asked, "What did I do to deserve this?"
God replied, "You did nothing, she just stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t1xwi/three_men_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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"24 hours to live!!"

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t1va5/24_hours_to_live/
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If ISIS would really like the world to take notice of their intentions

they should kill a lion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t1jdr/if_isis_would_really_like_the_world_to_take/
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ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.

ISIS guy: Are you moslem?
Christian: Yes I am.
ISIS guy: Recite a verse from Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from Bible.
ISIS guys: Yallah-ho-snackbar, you can go.
Later Christian guy's wife: I can't believe you took that risk. If he knew you recited a verse from Bible he would have killed us.
Christian guy: Don't worry, if he knew Quran he wouldn't be member of ISIS.
_________________________
EDIT :
**Dein Beitrag wurde vergoldet!**
What does that mean? Oh! Thanks for the gold ( not sure if I should reveal the user name, I always see people write thanks for the gold stranger )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t1fup/isis_guy_stopped_the_car_of_christian_couple/
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A student goes to the principal

A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t1e7e/a_student_goes_to_the_principal/
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Did you hear about the Buddhist Viking?

He believed he'd be Bjorn again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t1cmh/did_you_hear_about_the_buddhist_viking/
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What do you call a Jamaican squid?

Calamarley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t18ci/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_squid/
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Blind quality control guy

This blind guy applies for a job as a quality control guy at a lumber mill. The manager asked how he could possibly do the job blind and the blind guy says "just give me a chance!"
The manager agrees and decides to test the blind guy's abilities. He pulls out a good piece of oak, the blind guy sniffs it and says "thats a good piece of oak." Impressed, the manager pulls out a bad piece of pine. "Thats a bad piece of pine."
Now the manager is convinced this blind guy is the real deal but he decides to play a prank on him. He waves his secretary to walk up and lift her skirt. The blind guy sniffs and says "man this is a tough one, could you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and he sniffs again. "You gave me a real challenge sir but i know exactly what kind of wood that is. Thats the shit-house door off a tuna boat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t184o/blind_quality_control_guy/
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Two robots walk into a bar...

[...and are immediately banned from the establishment.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sxirv/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_rum_and_coke/cx1bzxf)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t147a/two_robots_walk_into_a_bar/
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A Chemist, An Engineer, and A Statistician

A Chemist, an engineer, and a statistician are out in the woods hunting. The chemist says" Watch this" and fires his rifle. His shot lands five yards short of the deer. The engineer laughs and says "Watch this" and calculates for wind resistance. His shot lands five yards over the dear. The statistician suddenly stands up and screams "WE GOT HIM"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t0zti/a_chemist_an_engineer_and_a_statistician/
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The school called me on the phone today and said, "Your son has been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good! I don't have no kids!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t0zse/the_school_called_me_on_the_phone_today_and_said/
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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records...

... until the librarian kicked me out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t0tq7/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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A limerick for Grangemouth, Falkirk, Scotland

In Grangemouth there's an oil refinery
A port, a canal and a winery
An to thrill you to bits
All the girls have 10 tits
That is if you count them in binary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t0l9f/a_limerick_for_grangemouth_falkirk_scotland/
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Little Leroy Birthday.

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.
LETTER 4:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 5:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t0h86/little_leroy_birthday/
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I was taking a biology test a few years ago

Science was never my strong point and I was totally stumped on the following question: "What are two things commonly found in cells?"
I went to go and copy from the guy sitting next to me, but I decided "niggers and addicts" probably wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t0gxp/i_was_taking_a_biology_test_a_few_years_ago/
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A middle-aged man enters a bar, and orders a straight double whiskey.

The bartender asks:
"What's the occasion ?"
"I just had my first ever oral sex..." goes the guy.
"Well, this calls for a celebration", says the bartender, and takes out a full bottle, "this is on me".
"Thanks", answers the man, "if this doesn't clear up the taste, nothing will".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t0etu/a_middleaged_man_enters_a_bar_and_orders_a/
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There are three types of people in the world I hate.

Racists, hypocrites and niggers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t0c7z/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_the_world_i/
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Johnny finally decides to marry

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough toget a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenn makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t09dg/johnny_finally_decides_to_marry/
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A man, a dog, and a sheep are washed up on an island...

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t07yz/a_man_a_dog_and_a_sheep_are_washed_up_on_an_island/
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What's the best thing about a blowjob?

The five minutes of peace and quiet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t07ai/whats_the_best_thing_about_a_blowjob/
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So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS

... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists
EDIT2: Wow, thanks u/lordzxil for the gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t06w4/so_anonymous_has_declared_war_on_isis/
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TIL the current Prime Minister of of Canada has a tattoo, and is in a cover band called the Van Cats, but...

...only the first part was Trudeau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t06ml/til_the_current_prime_minister_of_of_canada_has_a/
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The one with the Talking Bear

Once James goes bear hunting in nearby woods and spots a bear. He takes aim and shoots. BAMMM the bullet hits the mark and the bear dies. When James goes to inspect the kill, he suddenly feels a furry paw on his shoulder. He turns back and sees a large bear standing there
"Whats your name mate" the bear asks
"James"
"James you know what, you have killed my wife. now you have 2 options - either i will kill you or i will have buttsex with you. please pick"
Obviously James wants to live so he pulls down his pants and bends over. The bear goes at it for 15 mins, gets exhausted and leaves. James is wounded badly. he somehow reaches home and is admitted into a hospital. he takes 2 weeks to recover.
A month after the ordeal, James again thinks of going bear hunting. He goes and BAMM kills another bear. The same thing happens again. The big bear puts his paw on James and tells him that James has again shot down his wife. He gives James same 2 options and James again bends down. The bear is more angry now and goes at it for an hour before leaving James. James barely survives and it takes him 2 months to come back to his full health.
Now James is angry. he wants to kill the bear who has violated him twice. he goes to the jungle. Finds a big bear and BAMM kills it. Suddenly he felt a furry paw on his shoulder
"James. just make this clear to me. Do you come here for bear hunting or do you really like getting your butt fucked"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t008m/the_one_with_the_talking_bear/
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A bot walks into a sub and orders a rum and coke...

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3szzhf/a_bot_walks_into_a_sub_and_orders_a_rum_and_coke/
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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3szy2a/a_woman_has_twins_and_gives_them_up_for_adoption/
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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing...they were both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3szqjw/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
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Why can't java programmers see well?

Because of the eclipse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3szjzd/why_cant_java_programmers_see_well/
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So the Judge says "OK, I see that circumstance and duress made you eat the endangered spotted owl. NOT guilty." Then he leans over and whispers "Between you and me, what does a spotted owl actually taste like?"

The accused says "A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3szh95/so_the_judge_says_ok_i_see_that_circumstance_and/
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I recently bought a copy of Monty Python's Big Red Book, but was later dismayed to find that I'd purchased the Spanish language version...

Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3szeqz/i_recently_bought_a_copy_of_monty_pythons_big_red/
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What do you call five black people having sex?

A threesome!
**EDIT:** I'm not clever, whoever came up with the joke originally is, but thanks anyway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sze56/what_do_you_call_five_black_people_having_sex/
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Ronda Rousey should change her name...

To Sasha Grey, because her ass got wrecked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3szb6d/ronda_rousey_should_change_her_name/
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If bananas have potassium...

Does that mean potatoes have banassium?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sza0h/if_bananas_have_potassium/
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There was a piece of cake in the fridge with a note on it that said, "Don't eat me."

Now there's an empty plate and a note, "I don't take orders from a cake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sz68c/there_was_a_piece_of_cake_in_the_fridge_with_a/
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Two Pirates

My mom just sent me this one, thought it was good
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”
Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sz471/two_pirates/
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What is the Terminators Muslim name?

Al Bi Baq

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sz06g/what_is_the_terminators_muslim_name/
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Why do Santa and Mrs. Claus not have any children?

...because Santa comes but once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3syzml/why_do_santa_and_mrs_claus_not_have_any_children/
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The version I know of a classic

These two guys are hiking through the woods and come across a ravine. Wanting to cross, they look around for materials and see a pile of old ropes. They decide the best way to cross would be to build a rope bridge.
One guy turns to the other and says, "Start tying the ropes together, I'm going to go take a poop."
"What?!!?" his friend says, "You're going to leave me to do all the work??"
"Just trust me," the guy says, "This'll work. I shit, you knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3syzk7/the_version_i_know_of_a_classic/
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Because the unspeakable can also happen to men I bought myself a rape alarm.

I'll be fucked if this thing doesn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3syxrp/because_the_unspeakable_can_also_happen_to_men_i/
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What sock do you put on last?

The one that's left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sywdk/what_sock_do_you_put_on_last/
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My mom told me it was impossible to build a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3syv3v/my_mom_told_me_it_was_impossible_to_build_a_car/
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A blonde in her early 50's hears that bathing in milk once a week will tone skin, and remove wrinkles...

She decides to try this wrinkle remedy, so she leaves a sign on her front door for the Milkman to leave her 27 gallons of milk.
The Milkman comes along and sees her sign. He thinks that she must have made a mistake, as 27 gallons is a substantial amount of milk, so he knocks on her door and she answers.
"Excuse me miss, but I had to be certain that you meant 27 gallons of milk and not 2.7 gallons. It just seems like a bit much."
She tells him; "No, 27 gallons is correct. I heard that milk is a great remedy to remove wrinkles, so I want 27 gallons of it so I can fill up my tub and bath in it."
The Milkman thinks about this for a second, but doesn't argue the fact and says: "Well ok, I can do that. Do you want the milk pasteurized?"
The Blonde says: "No, just up to my tits, I'll splash it on my face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sys8d/a_blonde_in_her_early_50s_hears_that_bathing_in/
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What kind of zoo has no animals except for a small, yappy dog?

A shih tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3syrds/what_kind_of_zoo_has_no_animals_except_for_a/
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What do you call a random selection of sailors?

A seamen sample

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sypmi/what_do_you_call_a_random_selection_of_sailors/
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MRW a replacement professor enters the wrong class

Oops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3syjen/mrw_a_replacement_professor_enters_the_wrong_class/
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The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today

Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3syh8y/the_nintendo_64_turned_18_today/
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Why do the horses hate the jockey?

Because he's a horse racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sygk9/why_do_the_horses_hate_the_jockey/
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I spent the whole night trying to solve a math problem...

and then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3syand/i_spent_the_whole_night_trying_to_solve_a_math/
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Many of my tumblr friends identify as otherkin. Be it wolfkin, eaglekin or yes even fantasykin. I myself identify as a jedi.

So I'm forcekin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sy4dg/many_of_my_tumblr_friends_identify_as_otherkin_be/
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What's the difference between a Jewish kid and an American kid? (Going to hell for this one...)

The American kid comes back from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sy29d/whats_the_difference_between_a_jewish_kid_and_an/
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"Batman, we need your help in Paris immediately."

"Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sy0lf/batman_we_need_your_help_in_paris_immediately/
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Why did the man smear peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sxy41/why_did_the_man_smear_peanut_butter_on_the_road/
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A priest, rapist, and pedophile walks into a bar...

...and he orders a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sxxnx/a_priest_rapist_and_pedophile_walks_into_a_bar/
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My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's.

At least it isn't cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sxwyi/my_doctor_diagnosed_me_with_cancer_and_alzheimers/
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sxtgb/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
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I swallowed two pieces of string yesterday

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sxmpj/i_swallowed_two_pieces_of_string_yesterday/
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Who is Monica Lewinsky's favorite football player?

Ha Ha Clinton Dix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sxm8p/who_is_monica_lewinskys_favorite_football_player/
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A naked jew with an erection ran into a wall

He broke his nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sxixs/a_naked_jew_with_an_erection_ran_into_a_wall/
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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke

Bartender: "Hold on" as he puts an apple on the bar
Man: "What's this?"
Bartender: "Try it"
Man: "It tastes like rum!"
Bartender: "Turn it around."
Man: "This side tastes like coke!"
Another man walks into the bar and asks for a gin a tonic, and the bartender places another apple onto the bar
Man2: "What's this?"
Man1: "Try it, just trust me."
Man2: As he takes a bite "This tastes like gin!"
Man1: "Now turn it around."
Man2: "This side tastes like tonic!"
A third man walks into the bar and the bartender asks him what he would like.
Man3: "I don't know, what do you got?"
Bartender: "Well we have apples that taste like all sorts of things."
Man3: "You got one that tastes like pussy?"
The bartender places an apple on the bar
Man3: As he bites into the apple "Ew! This tastes like shit!"
Bartender, Man1, Man2: "Turn it around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sxirv/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_rum_and_coke/
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I bet you've already heard this

It's a pretty common word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sxifr/i_bet_youve_already_heard_this/
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Harley and Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple ,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear.
But still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.
'll do the fuckin dishes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sxa0n/harley_and_vaseline/
%
Son: Mom, dad, I'm gay.

Mom: *gasp*
Dad: *clenches fists*
Mom: Honey, stop!
Dad: *steps forward*
Mom: N-
Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sx4wb/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
%
Women age like fine wines...

The older they get, the harder they are to come by.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3swuca/women_age_like_fine_wines/
%
What's a space pirate's favorite planet?

mArrrs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3swt1o/whats_a_space_pirates_favorite_planet/
%
What's the hardest part of skydiving?

The ground!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3swrld/whats_the_hardest_part_of_skydiving/
%
I think somebody went on my Facebook without me knowing...

Everything on it is French now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3swpln/i_think_somebody_went_on_my_facebook_without_me/
%
Two zebras were arguing one day....

Two zebras were arguing whether all zebras are white with black stripes or black with white stripes. So they decided to walk up to all the zebras around and ask them if they think that they are white with black stripes or black with white stripes. They eventually made it to one of the zebra elders, and he said "The only way you will *really* find out is if you ask god!"
So the two zebras take a trip to heaven and asked god and on their way out.
"So what did you find out???" The zebras asked.
The two zebras just had a confused look on their faces, and they both said "we have no idea. All god said was 'you are what you are'. What a waste of a trip!"
All the zebras started getting depressed from not knowing the answer, when suddenly the zebra elder responded, "that actually means that we are white with black stripes."
All the other zebras turned wide-eyed to the elder and said in unison "How do you know that??????"
And he responded "because god said 'You are what you are'. Had we been *black* zebras with *white* stripes, god woulda said 'you IS what you IS'!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3swne8/two_zebras_were_arguing_one_day/
%
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard," says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3swmsj/a_blond_guy_gets_home_early_from_work_and_hears/
%
Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3swe6k/why_did_the_chicken_commit_suicide/
%
[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this?!
The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3swcf6/nsfw_a_mother_and_father_are_snooping_around_in/
%
A husband and wife are eating dinner.

-Look at how selfish you are. You took the biggest piece.
-Well, what would you have done?
-I would have taken the small one and left you the big one.
-Why are you mad? I gave you the one you wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sw8i3/a_husband_and_wife_are_eating_dinner/
%
I like my girls like Han from Star Wars

with a hairy Wookie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sw8h0/i_like_my_girls_like_han_from_star_wars/
%
What do you call the misuse of a meme?

A misdememer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sw6uk/what_do_you_call_the_misuse_of_a_meme/
%
Celine Dion is an organ donor...

So when she dies, her heart will go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sw6df/celine_dion_is_an_organ_donor/
%
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3svzqj/a_chicken_farmer_went_to_a_local_bar_sat_next_to/
%
What was Bruce Lee's Favorite Drink?

Wataaaaah!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3svxg7/what_was_bruce_lees_favorite_drink/
%
What's the difference between a birthday cake and a politician?

If you blow a politician your wish will come true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3svx4f/whats_the_difference_between_a_birthday_cake_and/
%
A Muslim, a Jew, a Christian, a Pagan and an Athiest all walk into a coffee shop...

...and they drink, talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. It's not a joke. It's what happens when you're not a dickhead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3svwv3/a_muslim_a_jew_a_christian_a_pagan_and_an_athiest/
%
Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female?

Because they're never wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3svpvb/why_are_artificial_intelligences_in_movies_always/
%
TIL of a man who masturbated in public for 16 hours straight before police arrived.

He was wrist strained.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3svkkq/til_of_a_man_who_masturbated_in_public_for_16/
%
I would tell a joke about Jehovah's witnesses...

But nobody likes knock-knock jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3svjcq/i_would_tell_a_joke_about_jehovahs_witnesses/
%
What kind of cereal does Ronda Rousey eat?

Kix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sviuj/what_kind_of_cereal_does_ronda_rousey_eat/
%
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where's my tractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sv7aj/what_did_the_farmer_say_when_he_lost_his_tractor/
%
Did you hear about the guy who was told his genitals hadn't developed properly?

He got a little testy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sv640/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_was_told_his/
%
I once thought about becoming a proctologist...

but I can't imagine spending my entire workday dealing with assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sv4yp/i_once_thought_about_becoming_a_proctologist/
%
A man asks god...

Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sv3j5/a_man_asks_god/
%
I think my cat is a communist.

He keeps saying "Mao"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sv1xj/i_think_my_cat_is_a_communist/
%
A child asks: "Mom, why do women wear white on their wedding day?"

Mom:  Well, they wear white because it's the happiest day of their life.
Child: Then why does the man wear black?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sv1rz/a_child_asks_mom_why_do_women_wear_white_on_their/
%
I was chasing a girl with a dildo through the park.

I would have left her alone, if she'd just given me back my dildo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sv0w4/i_was_chasing_a_girl_with_a_dildo_through_the_park/
%
What's the difference between a whore and a drug dealer?

A whore can wash her crack and sell it again .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3suo0u/whats_the_difference_between_a_whore_and_a_drug/
%
What do we want?

A cure for Tourette's!
When do we want it?
Cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sukcv/what_do_we_want/
%
Why was the tampon flying down the school hallway?

He was late for his next period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3suio4/why_was_the_tampon_flying_down_the_school_hallway/
%
Back when I went to college, we didn't have Netflix and Chill.

We had Room and Bored.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sugnz/back_when_i_went_to_college_we_didnt_have_netflix/
%
Why do Redditors post pics of East Indian food?

For that sweet, sweet Korma...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sufwv/why_do_redditors_post_pics_of_east_indian_food/
%
What's the one thing Spider-man can't eat?

Uncle bens rice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sufo8/whats_the_one_thing_spiderman_cant_eat/
%
I try to fill the void in my life with food...

But it always goes to shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3subvg/i_try_to_fill_the_void_in_my_life_with_food/
%
I just grilled a chicken for 8 hours.

And it still didn't tell me why it crossed the  road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3su8og/i_just_grilled_a_chicken_for_8_hours/
%
Why are men sexier than women?

Because you can't spell sexy without XY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3su7s7/why_are_men_sexier_than_women/
%
Aggressive driver

So the other day I was just chilling having a relaxing drive when suddenly some asshole comes up right behind me. Very aggressively he starts to flash his lights at me and honk like crazy because he wants to pass. I am thinking, Gandalf style; fuck you; you will not pass.  So he goes to the left; I go the left. He goes to the right; I go to the right. Eventually I let him pass ...but as he passed me I was thinking; what an annoying wannabe who thinks the road belongs to him with his fancy big ass ambulance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3su5vu/aggressive_driver/
%
What do you call a short Mexican?

A paragraph, because he's not big enough to be an esé.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3su27q/what_do_you_call_a_short_mexican/
%
What will ISIS be called once it is destroyed?

WasWas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3stzus/what_will_isis_be_called_once_it_is_destroyed/
%
Your family tree must be a cactus ...

Because everyone on it is a prick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3stzhj/your_family_tree_must_be_a_cactus/
%
What happens to a person when they move out of Asia?

They become dis-oriented!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3stvl3/what_happens_to_a_person_when_they_move_out_of/
%
A story about my first time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what she wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing my hands on her breast.
I remember my fear my fast beating heart
But slowly she spread her legs apart
And when I did it I felt no shame.
All at once the white stuff came
At last it's finished it's all over now
My first time ever at milking a cow...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3stv62/a_story_about_my_first_time/
%
What's the best thing about dating a black girl?

You'd never have to meet the father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3stv1z/whats_the_best_thing_about_dating_a_black_girl/
%
Tim the Conductor

Once upon a time there was a train conductor named Tim. Tim greatly enjoyed conducting his train around every day, and even though he had relatively poor pay, all was well in Tim's world. There was only one issue; Tim was a flat out *awful* conductor. He reduced the overall efficiency of all of the trains nearly every day by screwing up his timing, causing other trains to have to wait on him.
Tim's conducting got worse and worse as time went on. One day, Tim decided to try and eat his lunch while doing his job. Seeing as he could hardly work while focused, this was a terrible idea, but Tim decided to do it anyway. This was a mistake. Another train, hurtling at his train at great speed, was scheduled to pass through the area that Tim was currently in. It was Tim's responsibility to yield to the other train to prevent a crash. Unbeknownst to the other conductor, Tim was unaware that the other train was coming, so Tim plowed on in his train, not a care in the world. Biting into the sandwich his wife had packed, Tim's eyes closed to savor the taste. The other train began to cross in front of him, but seeing as Tim's eyes were closed, Tim did not see the train, and didn't stop. The two collided, the screeching of metal against metal combined with the crashing as the two trains were flung off of their tracks.
Tim was fired on the spot. Devastated, Tim went home to his wife. Her kind, loving smile upon seeing him made his insides melt, and it was in that moment Tim realized he couldn't bear to break the news to her. Acting as though nothing was wrong, Tim left the next day as if going to work, but instead drank at a nearby pub the entire day. This continued for weeks until Tim ran out of money. Crushed and guilty, Tim went home again and told his wife everything, begging for her forgiveness.
She left him.
Tim had nothing left to live for, and considered taking his own life. While mulling it over, a thought struck him; if the other conductor had stopped *his* train, none of this would have happened. In Tim's deluded mind, this though evolved into another: revenge.
Tim tracked down the other conductor. In the dead of night, Tim snuck into the poor mans house. The crack of a gunshot echoed through the streets as Tim shot the man. The police found Tim lying on top of the dead man, laughing maniacally. After a short trial, Tim was sentenced to death.
Tim looked blankly foreword as he was strapped in an electric chair. The executioner turned a switch, and a leathal shock pulsed through the chair. Miraculously, Tim survived. The baffled executioner tried again and again to execute Tim, but was unsuccessful. Scientist were brought in to try and figure out what was causing this strange phenomenon, but not a single one could find the truth. Eventually, the scientists became desparate enough to ask Tim if he understood why the chair could not kill him. Through a haze of madness, inspiration struck Tim. He look up at the scientist and said:
"Well, I never was a very good conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3stt2t/tim_the_conductor/
%
I told a fish joke the other day...

It went swimmingly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3strfi/i_told_a_fish_joke_the_other_day/
%
4 friends in their 20s....

Four friends in their 20s go to a new restaurant, Sands, because they've never been there before.
10 years later, they reunite and go back because the waitresses were so pretty.
In their 40s, they decide to go again because of the amazing wine selection.
Another 10 years pass and they once again go because of the delicious food.
In their 60s, they go again because the quiet atmosphere is perfect for a low conversation.
You guessed it, in their 70s they go again, this time for the amazing sunset over the late.
Ten years later, they decide to go to Sands, because they've never been there before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3str5r/4_friends_in_their_20s/
%
What is the best part about taking a shower?

Not being able to see yourself in the mirror afterward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3stq7x/what_is_the_best_part_about_taking_a_shower/
%
What does feminism and a pile of shit have in common?

They both started out as a movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sto0q/what_does_feminism_and_a_pile_of_shit_have_in/
%
My wife tried to make antimatter in the kitchen

But she ran out of counterspace

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3stm9d/my_wife_tried_to_make_antimatter_in_the_kitchen/
%
Did you know lesbians almost never cook for themselves?

They prefer eating out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3stkqs/did_you_know_lesbians_almost_never_cook_for/
%
What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a handsomely dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3stjtm/what_is_the_difference_between_a_poorly_dressed/
%
Bush, the Queen, Putin and Borisov are in front of 4 banks.

So, Bush, The Queen, Putin and bulgaria's very own PM Borisov are standing in front of 4 banks.
They decide to send in their best.
Bush sends in his best marine platoon, and after 2 hours they come out with all the cash.
The queen sends in her best SAS platoon, and after an hour, they come out with all the cash and everyone as hostages.
Putin sends in his best Spetznaz platoon, and after 30 minutes, they come out with all the cash and no hostages.
Borisov sends in a family of gypsies, and after 10 minutes, one of them comes out and says "Boss, what about the wallpaper?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3st92g/bush_the_queen_putin_and_borisov_are_in_front_of/
%
Why did the zombie start ripping up sheet music?

Because he was de-composing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3st6jg/why_did_the_zombie_start_ripping_up_sheet_music/
%
What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3st5k4/what_do_you_do_with_a_dead_chemist/
%
I asked my friend from North Korea how it was to live there.

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3st35l/i_asked_my_friend_from_north_korea_how_it_was_to/
%
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3st0j2/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeve/
%
A man arrives at the top of a mountain and the Guru who lives there greets him.

"I can answer any question you have."
The man replies, "Where are my sun glasses?  It's really bright up here."
The Guru replies, "On the top of your head."
The man finds his sunglasses and says, "Thank you for sharing your perspective.  I just couldn't see."
As the man turns to leave, the Guru stops him, "Wait, that's it?  You came all the way up here to ask *THAT* question?"
The man says, "Yes, thank you."
The Guru says, "What's going on, I haven't had another visitor in 15 years."
The man says, "Oh, you don't know about Google."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ssy7z/a_man_arrives_at_the_top_of_a_mountain_and_the/
%
The Problem with Speaking English

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ssua0/the_problem_with_speaking_english/
%
I wanted to put an England flag in my garden...

I wanted to put an England flag in my garden but wasn't sure if it would offend muslim extremists.
So I wrote 'Allah is a twat' on it just to make sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ssr0p/i_wanted_to_put_an_england_flag_in_my_garden/
%
My wife asked me to stop singing Oasis songs.

I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ssoq9/my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_singing_oasis_songs/
%
Business Decision

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.
' Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going,
he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sslwo/business_decision/
%
What do you get when you have sex with an Alligator?

Gatoraids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sslcn/what_do_you_get_when_you_have_sex_with_an/
%
What does IKEA furniture do when it's stolen?

Activates its shelf destruct sequence.
I'll see myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ssgrx/what_does_ikea_furniture_do_when_its_stolen/
%
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a toilet

The toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you dump a load in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ssfgb/whats_the_difference_between_a_girlfriend_and_a/
%
Just met a guy

I saw this in one of my university facebook pages:
Just met a guy. Omg he was so fit. Handsome even. Never will I meet a guy like him again. Caring. Emotional. Nice. And his name is the first letter of each sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sse95/just_met_a_guy/
%
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket,

you could say you are...
Independant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ssdii/if_you_put_a_picture_of_yourself_in_a_locket/
%
"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime."

"Was it something I said?" Asks the son.
"Yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ss540/son_i_dont_think_youre_cut_out_to_be_a_mime/
%
My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ss42z/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
%
What do you call a paedophile pirate?

Aaarrrrrrr Kelly!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3srsgk/what_do_you_call_a_paedophile_pirate/
%
Why did Hitler kill himself?

He saw his gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3srosr/why_did_hitler_kill_himself/
%
What kind of music does a pirate like?

Arrr'n'B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3srnl7/what_kind_of_music_does_a_pirate_like/
%
A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.)

The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land."  The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3srkah/a_whale_and_a_wave_make_a_bet_just_made_this_up/
%
Playing long con with mustache

I'm growing a mustache for November. Whenever I'm asked about it, I say how much I hate it. When I get asked why I still have it in a few weeks, I'm going to say "it's growing on me."
Maybe this was more /r/dadjokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3srj3f/playing_long_con_with_mustache/
%
Hubby Went Fishing

Hubby told wifey,"going fishing early tomorrow morning." and she said,"Calling for rain." and he said,"No biggie,water won't bother me. I'm going,rain or shine." So,4:00 a.m. he hooks up his boat and just as he leaves the driveway,big storm hit. Rain,hail,high winds,so he backed his boattrailer back in and put everything away and quietly slipped back into bed with his wifey.
He whispered as she moved next to him,'its horrible weather out there, really rough." and she said,"Yeah,and my stupid husband is out in that shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3srifi/hubby_went_fishing/
%
Whats the difference between and old computer and a woman?

a computer accepts a 3.5 inch floppy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sra2h/whats_the_difference_between_and_old_computer_and/
%
Pakistani Kid, American Kid

Just read this one somewhere...
A Pakisitani boy got admission in an American school.
Teacher: What's your name?
Boy: Ahmad
Teacher: No, now you are in America your name is Johny from today.
Boy went home.
Mom Asked: how was the day Ahmad?
Boy: I am an American now call me Johnny.
Mom & Dad both got offended and beat him up.
Next day he was back to school, all bruised
.
Teacher: What happened Johnny?
Boy: Ma'am, just 4 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistanis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sr9xe/pakistani_kid_american_kid/
%
A woman goes to the dentist....

and the dentist says "Looks like you need to have a tooth pulled."  The woman says "I'd rather have a baby."
The dentist looks at her and says "Make up your mind, I'll have to adjust the chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sr8wv/a_woman_goes_to_the_dentist/
%
I read the new iPhone was a commercial failure.

This surprised me, because I thought it was going to be a 6S.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sr4ju/i_read_the_new_iphone_was_a_commercial_failure/
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Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sr4ht/why_was_e_the_only_letter_in_the_alphabet_to_get/
%
What do Penises and Rubik's Cubes have in common?

The more you play with them, the harder they get

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sr0ri/what_do_penises_and_rubiks_cubes_have_in_common/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sqxnj/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sqv01/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
%
What is the cheapest type of meat?

Deer testicles. They're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3squeh/what_is_the_cheapest_type_of_meat/
%
I hear there's a support group for overly talkative people...

It's called And On And On And On Anon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sqsx7/i_hear_theres_a_support_group_for_overly/
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I knew this guy who was so dumb...

he saw a road sign that said, "Disney Land Left", so he turned around and went home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sqnqo/i_knew_this_guy_who_was_so_dumb/
%
I asked a road-kill removal specialist if he would donate to my charity.

He said he might be able to scrape together a few bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sqllr/i_asked_a_roadkill_removal_specialist_if_he_would/
%
Old man sitting on his porch

When three young men walk by carrying chicken wire. Curious, the old man asks "where are you boys going with that chicken wire?" The young men reply "we're going to catch some chickens!" The old man smiles, remembering his young and foolish years, and shakes his head. A couple hours later, the same young men walk by carrying three chickens! Astonished, the old man says "I'll be damned!"
The next day, while sitting on his porch the old man sees the same young men walk by carrying duct tape. The old man asks "where are you boys going with that duct tape?" To which the young men reply "going to catch some ducks!" The old man smiles, remembering his young and foolish years, and shakes his head. A few hours later, the young men walk by carrying three ducks! Astonished once again the old man exclaims "I'll be damned!"
The following day the old man sees those same young men walking by his house carrying pussy willows. The old man smiles, remembering his young and foolish years and says "I'll grab my hat!"
Not sure if this deserves nsfw so I will just be safe :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sqjil/old_man_sitting_on_his_porch/
%
Simba was moving too slow

So I told him to Mufasa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sqi2v/simba_was_moving_too_slow/
%
Why didn't the skeleton go to homecoming?

because he had no body to go with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sqh0q/why_didnt_the_skeleton_go_to_homecoming/
%
What do you call a man-eating tiger?

A tiger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sqedt/what_do_you_call_a_maneating_tiger/
%
I asked my dad if I was adopted...

He said, "No, but not from lack of trying."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sqd1a/i_asked_my_dad_if_i_was_adopted/
%
I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next"

They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sq6hn/i_hated_going_to_weddings_all_the_grandmas_would/
%
Big Ben walks up to the club like...

...what up? I got a big clock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sq36d/big_ben_walks_up_to_the_club_like/
%
What would the war be called if Donald Trump started war on the Mexicans?

World war Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3spuv0/what_would_the_war_be_called_if_donald_trump/
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A man in a hat walks into a doctor's office.

The doctor asks "What's troubling you today?"
The man takes off his hat, to reveal that there is a large duck growing out of his head.
The doctor gasps. "Good lord, I've never see anything like this before!"
"Tell me about it!" the duck replies, "I woke up to find this guy growin' out of my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3spsmk/a_man_in_a_hat_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
%
Sex is like pizza...

If you are using bbq sauce, you better know what the fuck you are doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3spsh4/sex_is_like_pizza/
%
Einstein developed a theory about space,

and it was about time, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sprbe/einstein_developed_a_theory_about_space/
%
High School Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They summer in Southampton on Long Island and have a third home in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at WalMart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation trips to Alabama and Virginia, usually camping.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3spqw5/high_school_reunion/
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SWEET PERFUME

A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train. I took in a breath and asked aloud, 'What's that smell?'
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, 'Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce." She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart. She turns to me and asks ,What's that smell?'
I say, "Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3spnmu/sweet_perfume/
%
You're going to need more of that confidence now.

A rich CEO flies his private jet across the country to get an appointment with the best gynecologist in the business.
"Doctor," he says, "I'm not happy with the state of my sex life, and I want to you to castrate me today."
The doctor is shocked and asks, "Oh my... Okay, have you thought about this decision and what it will mean for you?"
With some irritation, the CEO replies, "Of course I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm the CEO of a multi-billion dollar business. I flew my personal jet here just so I could get the best doctor in the business to do this operation. I know what I want, I'm confident in my decisions, and I never look back."
"Okay," says the doctor, "I just want you to be 100% sure of your decision to cut off your..."
Visibly annoyed, the CEO interrupts the doctor by pulling out his pocketbook, pulling out a stack of $100 bills, and  a credit card. "Here is $1000 cash for your trouble, and a no-limit credit card to get this done. I want to be back in my mansion by dinner time."
Silently the doctor gathers up the money, and leads the CEO to the hospital's best private suite, and starts prepping him for surgery.
A few hours later, the CEO wakes up, operation completed. He decides to stretch his legs and take a walk around in the hallway. He has to walk with a wide bow-legged gait to avoid jostling the massive pile of bandages around his very sore genitals.
After a few minutes, he spots another patient walking around the hall with the same posture. The CEO smiles and says, "Looks like we had the same surgery. I'm sure it'll make your night life a bit more exciting as well."
The other man sheepishly grins and replies, "Yeah, finally got circumcised after 35 years. Hope my wife likes it better this way."
A horrified expressions crosses the CEO's face. In a low whisper he says, "Oh shit. That's the word."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3spgq2/youre_going_to_need_more_of_that_confidence_now/
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What's the most offensive joke you have heard?

Here is a few I've heard:
What's the best thing about sex with twenty one year olds?
There's twenty of them
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Cut the rope
What do you call a black woman who's had 7 abortions?
A crime fighter
Whats the difference between a jew and a dollar?
People would care about losing 6 million dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3spfz1/whats_the_most_offensive_joke_you_have_heard/
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Poor ol' John O'Reiley...

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife !' Now that won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ' I won the prize for the best toast of the night.' She said 'Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?'
John said, 'Heres to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife'. Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Johns drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,' John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3spfiv/poor_ol_john_oreiley/
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A nun and a man

So this man gets onto this bus, and he
sees this super hot nun. How often do
you see a hot nun, I wanna fuck her! This
man goes up and starts chatting her up.
Amost immediately she goes, "I am a
woman of god, please get away from me!"
She gets off the  bus at the next stop.
The man immediately goes to the male
driver. He says, "Hey do you know this
nun?"
The driver replies, "Yes, everyday she gets
off this bus and at 8pm always goes to
the cemetary. Maybe if you dressed as
God, she could prove her loyalty."
The man asks no questions from this
creepy, stalkerish bus driver. Later that
night, in his best God costume, he
proceeds to the cemetary. He sees the
nun. The nun says, "Oh God, is there
anyway I can prove my loyalty?" God
replies, "Yes, sex." The nun ageees and
right before they have sex the nun says,
"Wait, one thing." "Yes?" God replies.
"I prefer anal!" The nun says. They
continue to have sex until, God whips off
his costume and says, "Hah, I am the guy
from the bus!" The nun replies, "Hah I am
the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3spf45/a_nun_and_a_man/
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An Englishman, Irishman,Scotsman a priest, a rabbi and a horse all walk into a pub

The barman says
Is this some sort of a fucking joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3spdis/an_englishman_irishmanscotsman_a_priest_a_rabbi/
%
They say if a girl laughs a lot at your jokes it's a sign that she's into you

Turns out I'm just really funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3spb2j/they_say_if_a_girl_laughs_a_lot_at_your_jokes_its/
%
"Yoda, are we on the right track?"

"Off course, we are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3spa64/yoda_are_we_on_the_right_track/
%
What happens when a guy with no legs dies?

He punches the bucket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sp6ql/what_happens_when_a_guy_with_no_legs_dies/
%
David Hasselhoff just changed his name to "David Hoff"

If anything, it's less of a hassel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sp3u3/david_hasselhoff_just_changed_his_name_to_david/
%
I know this is probably a repost and I'm sorry, but I had to write this joke again.

This joke again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sp2jr/i_know_this_is_probably_a_repost_and_im_sorry_but/
%
I like my women like I like my downloads...

...unzipped and on my desktop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sp127/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_downloads/
%
What is the definition of a 'double standard'?

If a girl sleeps with a ton of guys she is a slut, but if a guy does it, he is a homosexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3soqkz/what_is_the_definition_of_a_double_standard/
%
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3soq8w/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_after_they_die/
%
Whats better than winning gold in the Paralympics

Walking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3soq0m/whats_better_than_winning_gold_in_the_paralympics/
%
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar.

And doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sopdo/schrodingers_cat_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand

and says "make me one with everything".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sonvb/a_buddhist_monk_approaches_a_hotdog_stand/
%
Best Hitler Joke That I've Heard

Me: "Hitler Killed 5 million Jews and a Penguin."
Friend: "What? A Penguin?"
Me: "See, no one wants to know about the Jews."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sol4k/best_hitler_joke_that_ive_heard/
%
What word is always spelled incorrectly?

Incorrectly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sokvi/what_word_is_always_spelled_incorrectly/
%
After all these years, I can tell my wife still cares for me...

Whenever she has an orgasm, she calls to let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sokqd/after_all_these_years_i_can_tell_my_wife_still/
%
What do you call a stupid fish?

A dumb bass
I'll sea myself trout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sohto/what_do_you_call_a_stupid_fish/
%
Twins!!!!!!!!!!!

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sog8u/twins/
%
Wordplay is fun.

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sofor/wordplay_is_fun/
%
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sodvg/my_girlfriend_just_dumped_me_for_talking_too_much/
%
Twelve monks were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3so8he/twelve_monks_were_about_to_be_ordained/
%
A guy came up to me in the gym.

"How the hell did you get a body like that?" he asked.
"Thanks," I said, "That's very flattering."
He said, "Not really mate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3so6us/a_guy_came_up_to_me_in_the_gym/
%
What's the difference between an Iraqi elementary school, and an Isis hideout?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3so563/whats_the_difference_between_an_iraqi_elementary/
%
A man sitting in first class...

A man sitting in first class sneezes, ejaculates in his pants, pulls out his penis, cleans it off and puts it back in his pants. The woman sitting next to him is horrified but pretends not to notice.
A few minutes later, the man goes through the whole process again. The aghast woman starts yelling at the man. The stewardess calms the woman down while the man goes through the whole process again.
Finally the man speaks: "I have a rare medical affliction that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," the woman says. "Are you taking anything for it"?
The man replies "Yes... pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3so418/a_man_sitting_in_first_class/
%
wife dreamed of being at a dick auction...

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "They gave those away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sns6j/wife_dreamed_of_being_at_a_dick_auction/
%
ISIS vs North Korea. Who would win?

everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3snrfy/isis_vs_north_korea_who_would_win/
%
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator

. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks."
The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed!
Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
It's a woman...
"I'll give it a try," she says,
"but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3snk8a/a_guy_enters_bar_carrying_an_alligator/
%
What happens when a plant is sad?

The other plants have to photosympathize with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sni2e/what_happens_when_a_plant_is_sad/
%
Why don't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sngs0/why_dont_orphans_play_baseball/
%
Nintendo managed something astonishing in this week's Nintendo Direct announcements...

People finally gave a shit about Cloud based gaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3snfc8/nintendo_managed_something_astonishing_in_this/
%
Did you guys hear that you can survive just on plants?

That is something i never herbivore!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3snej3/did_you_guys_hear_that_you_can_survive_just_on/
%
How do you treat Mrs. Potato Head when she has cancer?

Ampu-tater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sn4jv/how_do_you_treat_mrs_potato_head_when_she_has/
%
Why does Santa have a large sack?

Because he only cums once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sn3i7/why_does_santa_have_a_large_sack/
%
A museum curator was explaining an old gun

'To fire the gun you insert the Flint in the flintlock ; put the ball into the barrel with charge of powder from a powder horn and wad of cotton. The charge is then rammed down the barrel and tapped a few times with ramrod. Then the ramrod is replaced in the holder, the gun is cocked and then it is ready to fire.'
' so then they fire it?' Asked one of his audience.
' Oh no, by that time the war if usually over. '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sn0k8/a_museum_curator_was_explaining_an_old_gun/
%
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

"Cool, where'd you get that?" says the bartender. "Africa", replies the parrot. "They're all over the place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3smze8/a_black_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_parrot_on_his/
%
How fast do lesbians have sex?

Lickety-split.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3smr8u/how_fast_do_lesbians_have_sex/
%
What does a deaf math nerd speak?

Sine language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3smq2a/what_does_a_deaf_math_nerd_speak/
%
Bulletproof Glass

I don't understand why Obama gives all of his speeches behind bulletproof glass...  I mean I know he's black, but I doubt he's going to shoot anybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3smory/bulletproof_glass/
%
If I was a real superhero I'd be Constipation Man.

And stop shit from happening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3smnvc/if_i_was_a_real_superhero_id_be_constipation_man/
%
What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride.
Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of women's perfume all over you, meeting your wife at the door and stating, "You're next, chubby."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3smhby/whats_the_difference_between_guts_and_balls/
%
Vacation in Britain gone wrong

An american man was vacationing around Britain, visiting all the larger cities.
One night he found himself in a bar in Cardiff, having a few drinks and planning out how to spend the next couple of days of his vacation. But he had forgotten his guidebook. So he looked around to see if anyone could help him out.
There weren't many people in the bar. But there were two rather heavy women sitting at a table chatting. So he walked up to them, and asked if they had any tips.
"Excuse me, do either of you ladies know any good tourist spots here in England?"
The two women looked annoyed at the man, and one of them responded, "It's Wales you idiot!"
"I'm sorry, do either of you whales know any good tourist spots in England?"
..And he spent the rest of his vacation at a Hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3smcu7/vacation_in_britain_gone_wrong/
%
What do you call a black ninja?

Incog-negro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sm6md/what_do_you_call_a_black_ninja/
%
A penguin was driving through the South...

A penguin was driving through the South, the Deep South in late August. "Whew! It sure is hot!" the penguin panted from behind the wheel of his car.
Suddenly, the car fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next town. He got out, and with all his strength in his weak flippers, he pushed the car over hill and dale.
"Whew!" he sighed.
As luck would have it, there was a mechanic in town, and he told the penguin that he'd have to spend some time with the car. "Why don't you come back in an hour or so?"
Wiping the sweat from his brow, the penguin spied an ice cream shop. "Hurray!" he cried. "I'll be back, toot sweet!" he said.
He ordered the tallest vanilla ice cream he could hold between his wings... those miserable fins could barely manage the scoops upon scoops of creamy goodness. The cone was so tall that more of it ended up on the penguin than in him!
"Yummy! That was very very good!" the penguin said, smacking his lips.
He waddled back to the mechanic who was ready to give the little fellow an update. The mechanic looked at the penguin sternly. The gaskets and seals on the engine were severely damaged after years of driving without a routine check, and it was certainly going to be expensive.
"Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
"Oh no, that's just ice cream!" the penguin said, wiping the ice cream from his chin.
My grandpa told me this one. Goodness knows who he heard it from.
Apologies for formatting, I'm on mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sm221/a_penguin_was_driving_through_the_south/
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What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

A violin has strings.
A fiddle has straaangs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sm1cl/whats_the_difference_between_a_violin_and_a_fiddle/
%
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sm0qb/why_did_the_star_wars_movies_come_out_in_the/
%
What's Avagodro's favorite type of dip?

GuacaMOLE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sm08o/whats_avagodros_favorite_type_of_dip/
%
I bet my girlfriend she couldnt tell me something that made me both happy and sad.

So she told me that I had the biggest penis out of all my friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sm02e/i_bet_my_girlfriend_she_couldnt_tell_me_something/
%
Canada Post is under heavy DDoS attack.

Somebody sent 2 letters at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3slz0t/canada_post_is_under_heavy_ddos_attack/
%
What did Bill Clinton find attractive about Monica Lewinsky?

He said she had the prettiest smile he ever came across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3slxy2/what_did_bill_clinton_find_attractive_about/
%
I like my coffee like I like my racist jokes...

Made by someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3slxjc/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_racist_jokes/
%
Elsa

My daughter just told me this before bed.
Why is Elsa not allowed a balloon?
Because she'll let it goooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sluza/elsa/
%
what did the police do when they wanted to interrogate mark?

question mark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3slrab/what_did_the_police_do_when_they_wanted_to/
%
Guitarist at a funeral...

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3slq1j/guitarist_at_a_funeral/
%
A girl walks up to her father

, looking quite scared. Her father turns to her and asks her what's wrong. She avoids looking at him directly and replies, "D-dad, I'm...a lesbian." "Okay, no big deal," her father replies as he resumes his work. The girl sigh's in relief and walks away.
The next day, the father was greeted by his other daughter. The daughter looked him in the eye and told him she was a lesbian too. The father shrugged and replied that its okay. She then walks out.
The very next day, his last daughter approached him. Before she could say anything, the father turned around sharply and asked, "let me guess, you're gay too, right?" The daughter nodded. The father, now fuming, yells out, "oh great, does anyone like dick in this family?" "I do," replied the son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3slpen/a_girl_walks_up_to_her_father/
%
I've been working really hard on controlling my alcoholism

I can't remember the last time I blacked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3slkvy/ive_been_working_really_hard_on_controlling_my/
%
I've been really mad at my dad since he died...

...all he's done for the last 6 years is sit on his ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sli8v/ive_been_really_mad_at_my_dad_since_he_died/
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My wife and I moved to a new house.

It's the only place I've lived where I can tolerate the neighbours.
It's next to a cemetery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3slh3y/my_wife_and_i_moved_to_a_new_house/
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I told this joke a bunch in elementary and it made me seem way funnier than I was, it's so good

Heaven was getting all cluttered so God put a new rule in place. On top of being a good person, you have to have a better death story than the last guy who got through to heaven.
First guy comes in, and the angel bouncer guy asks him about the events leading up to his death.
The guy says, "Okay so get this. I'm coming home to my beautiful wife but I sense something is off. When I get to the bedroom I see another man's clothes on the floor. The bitch had been cheating on me! I look everywhere for this fucker, and finally find him, hiding on my balcony, hanging off the edge. So I take my fridge and I throw it at him, but as it comes down the fucking chord gets caught in my leg and I get pulled down with it! So that's how I died."
"Okay. That's a pretty good story," says the angel bouncer guy, "You can go through."
The next guy comes in and the angel asks the same question, "How did you die?"
"You won't believe this. So I'm watering my plants, and trip and fall off the edge of my apartment. Luckily I managed to just barely grab onto the balcony one floor below me. Then this crazy mother fucker comes out of no where and throws a fridge at me! So that's how I died."
The angel smirked and said, "Okay pretty good story. You can pass."
The third guy comes up and the angel thinks to himself, "oh man this story better be a good one, the last two were amazing."
"Okay, what's your story?" asks the angel.
"Okay... picture this. I'm hiding in a fridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sl9s3/i_told_this_joke_a_bunch_in_elementary_and_it/
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Why did the mermaid wear SeaShells?

Because she outgrew her B-Shells. Ha...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sl853/why_did_the_mermaid_wear_seashells/
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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Singaporean, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Monk, an Italian, a Serb, a Russian and an Ethiopian went to a bar.
The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sl7q5/apparently_its_no_longer_politically_correct_to/
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A polar bear walks into a bar

and finds a stool. The bartender asks him what he'd like, to which he replies, "I'll have a............. a beer please."
The bartender, slightly confused by the hesitation asks, "why the large pause?"
The polar bear responds, "I was **born** with them!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sl5wh/a_polar_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Where do terrorists go to have a drink?

Allahuak Bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sl555/where_do_terrorists_go_to_have_a_drink/
%
What did the police officer say to the white man running away with a TV?

"Sir, you dropped your receipt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sl4be/what_did_the_police_officer_say_to_the_white_man/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman?

0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sl2m0/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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A Chinese Guy And A Jewish Guy are in a bar (Racist)

After drinking for a while, the Jewish guy gets up and beats the shit out of the chinese guy.
Chinese guy: What dat faw?
Jewish Guy: That's For Pearl Harbor
Chinese Guy: Pearl Harbor? Dat Japanese. I chinese!
Jewish Guy: Chinese, japanese, same shit.
The two continue drinking until the chinese guy gets up and beats the hell out of the Jewish guy.
Jewish Guy: What was that for?
Chinese Guy: Dat faw Titanic.
Jewish Guy: Titanic, what are you talking about? That was an iceburg.
Chinese Guy: Iceberg, Silverberg, Rosenberg, same thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sl1jk/a_chinese_guy_and_a_jewish_guy_are_in_a_bar_racist/
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If breaking a mirror is seven years of bad luck. What would have to break to give you 18?

a condom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3skriq/if_breaking_a_mirror_is_seven_years_of_bad_luck/
%
What chord does a piano make when it drops on a child?

...A-flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3skgox/what_chord_does_a_piano_make_when_it_drops_on_a/
%
Why did princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3skg6b/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
why you should never go to war against bhuddists

they have respawn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3skcqv/why_you_should_never_go_to_war_against_bhuddists/
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My girlfriend told me that my dick is two inches bigger than her ex's.

And that is why she will never go back into a lesbian relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sk9zt/my_girlfriend_told_me_that_my_dick_is_two_inches/
%
Why is school like a boner?

Because it's long and hard, unless you're Asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sk4d8/why_is_school_like_a_boner/
%
Statue in the bedroom.

A lady is in the bedroom having sex with her lover when the husband pulls up to the driveway.
"Quick she says, rub this oil around your body and I'll cover you with baby powder and stand in the corner pretending you are a statue".
The husband comes upstairs and sees the statue and asks the wife "What the hell woman?"
"I was over at the Johnsons the other day and they had a statue in their bedroom and I liked it, so I got one just like it."
Nothing happens for the rest of the evening, the woman reads a book and the husband watches TV, until around 2 AM when the husband goes downstairs to the kitchen and comes back with a sandwich in hand and a beer, then turns around and says to the statue: "Here man, have a snack, I was stuck at the Johnsons' for 2 days and they didn't even offer me a glass of water".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sk22f/statue_in_the_bedroom/
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I hate those Babushka dolls...

...they're so full of themselves!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sk1xg/i_hate_those_babushka_dolls/
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A police officer arrives to a crime scene

Hello, captain. What's the situation?
A woman killed her husband. 12 stabs, 2 gunshot wounds, half burnt, and thrown down the stairs.
Oh my god, what was the reason?
She told us the husband intentionally started walking on the floor which she recently cleaned.
Did you arrest her?
No. We're waiting for the floor to dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sjusg/a_police_officer_arrives_to_a_crime_scene/
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Opinions are like orgasms

Mines more important and I really don't care if you have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sjqfb/opinions_are_like_orgasms/
%
The Snail Salesman

The traveling snail salesman delivered snails to restaurants in his station wagon. After travelling and working for half the day, he stopped at a gas station for a cup of coffee. When he came out he found his car was no longer there. The snail salesman cried out "Where did my escargot cargo car go?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sjpj9/the_snail_salesman/
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Q) I have ten arms, eight legs and 22 feet. what am I?

A) A liar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sjn8c/q_i_have_ten_arms_eight_legs_and_22_feet_what_am_i/
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Knock, Knock

My son told me this one.  I hadn't heard it before.
Son: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me:  I don't know.
Son:  He was going to visit the dummy.
Me:  ?
****
Son:  Knock,  knock
Me:  Who's there?
Son: The Chicken
Me:  :/
*****
Taps microphone:
In spite of my misgivings about the search capabilities that are available it would appear that I should have *at least* checked the top of /r/Jokes.  Ahem.  The chicken had the right address...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sjmtx/knock_knock/
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The boy with the 25 inches long penis ...

The boy with the 25 inches long penis decided that he had had way too much. He was now fed up of being the subject of constant jokes of his friends, relatives and many-a-times, complete strangers.
There was a time when he was proud of his unusually long penis, thinking of it as an indicator of much masculinity. But that was few years ago. He had heard that most women liked it big, and was excited for his first time, but was severely disappointed when his then girlfriend had been so terrified after unzipping his pants, that she had straightway declined to even touch it. He had now come to realize that there is such a thing as a too large penis.
So now, the boy, deciding that he had had enough, packed his bags and set out on a journey to find a way to reduce the size of his penis. After months of wandering around and seeking for a solution to his problem, he was told of a wise man who could most definitely solve his problem because, the legend said, the wise man had never ever failed to that day.
After a long and an arduous journey, he found the man he was looking for. The wise man heard his tale and gave him the directions to a lake. He told the boy that on reaching the lake, he was to raise his voice and say his name. If he was lucky he would be answered by a mermaid. He was to ask the mermaid to marry him. That, according to the wise man, would solve his problems.
The boy followed the path the wise man had given him and in a few days, he reached the lake. Quite a few times, he called his name loudly over the silence. Nothing happened. Just when he was disappointed, and thought that his entire journey had been in vain, a beautiful mermaid appeared out of the water and sat on the stone at the edge of the lake.
Smiling, the mermaid asked, "How may I help you, human?"
Excited, the boy hurriedly asked her that what he was supposed to ask, "O dear mermaid, will you marry me?"
The mermaid, still smiling, simply said, "No."
Suddenly, the boy's penis was reduced from 25 inches to 20 inches. Tears of happiness welled through his eyes. But even through this intense happiness, the boy found himself thinking, 20 inches is better than 25, but 15 would be even great.
Thus, he asked the mermaid again, "Will you marry me?"
The mermaid's smile faded a little, but even so, she replied curtly, "No."
The boy's penis reduced from 20 inches to 15 inches. Now, again, he thought, 15 inches is better still, but a 10 inches penis would be ideal. A 10 inches penis would be perfect.
Thus, he asked the mermaid again, "Will you marry me?"
The mermaid, now visibly frowning, and clearly annoyed, replied in an irritated voice, "How many times do I have to say that to you?! No! No! No!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sjjkx/the_boy_with_the_25_inches_long_penis/
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What is the difference between a boy scout and a Jew ?

A boy scout returns back from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sjhzp/what_is_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a/
%
Why did the baker have brown fingers?

Because he kneaded a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sjfff/why_did_the_baker_have_brown_fingers/
%
What's the only thing worse than a worm in your apple?

Reposts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sjdc5/whats_the_only_thing_worse_than_a_worm_in_your/
%
Coast Clear

Ben in bed with his wife...
His wife's mobile phone rings at 3AM; Ben answers it, then angrily says, "Fuck off and call the weather office!"
Wife asks, "Who was that?"
He replies, "Some jerk askin if the coast was clear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sjck9/coast_clear/
%
It's strange isn't it

, you stand in a library and go "Aaaaaargh" and everyone stares at you. Do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sj6x4/its_strange_isnt_it/
%
"Enough with the boys, I need a real man..."

...I said to myself while taking out the batteries from my Game Boy and putting them into a vibrator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sj5z3/enough_with_the_boys_i_need_a_real_man/
%
This bloke said to me

, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sj5w2/this_bloke_said_to_me/
%
German Hell and Italian Hell

Mario Schultz dies. He was an awful person, therefore he goes straight to Hell where he stands in front of the Devil.
"Welcome to Hell, mr. Schultz" says the Devil "it occured to me that you have both german and italian citizenships: according to ILODAD (International Law On Destination After Death), you are able to choose wheter to go to german Hell or italian Hell".
Mario Schultz is very scared "Excellenz, you know, dis iz my firzt time in Hell. Kould you be zo nice to help me?"
The Devil looks around to be sure no one is listening and then says:
"Trust me: go to the italian Hell".
"Why? Iz german Hell zo bad?"
"Well, my old pal, german Hell is horrifying as usual: boiled oil on open wounds, pitchforks hitting your back, Demons whipping your face, and so on".
"Mein Gott! It iz terrible! And italian Hell iz better, izn't it?"
"Well, it's pretty the same: boiled oil on open wounds, pitchforks hitting your back, Demons whipping your face, and so on."
"Excellenz...I don't understand...why iz italian Hell better than german Hell?"
And the Devil replies "You know how the italians work: one day someone steals the pitchforks, an other day someone forgets to boil the oil, then the devils are on strike..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sj2yw/german_hell_and_italian_hell/
%
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sixud/a_teenage_girl_had_been_talking_on_the_phone_for/
%
What do people with huge penises eat for breakfast?

Well, I had toast.
me and /u/Nekovivie weren't expecting you to know. cuz^you^have^a^small^dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sitro/what_do_people_with_huge_penises_eat_for_breakfast/
%
My mother came up to me and said, "Son, what does MILF stand for?"

I said, "Mum I'd Like to Fuck"
She said, "Ok, let me bath first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sircj/my_mother_came_up_to_me_and_said_son_what_does/
%
Financial Management

A Man found 100$, He went to a 5 star hotel for Dinner there. His bill was 300$.When He said that He has only 100$, then Manager handed Him to Police. He gave 100$ to Police and went free.
Its Called Financial Management.!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3siqc3/financial_management/
%
Son: Dad! The captain of the basketball team called me gay today...

Dad: What! I hope in hell you didn't let him get away with that. This is what you should do. Next time you see him, sucker punch him in the face.
Son: But dad, he's sooooo cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sipie/son_dad_the_captain_of_the_basketball_team_called/
%
Tunnel

Pesimist only sees the darkness in the tunnel.
Optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees that that light is in fact a train.
The train conductor sees 3 fools on the railroad track.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sip9e/tunnel/
%
What's the difference between me and an egg?

An egg gets laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sio5x/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_an_egg/
%
How many scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, that's what interns are for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3simw9/how_many_scientists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What's the difference between heaven and hell?

In heaven, the Brits are the police, the Germans are mechanics and the French are cooks.
In hell, the Germans are the police, the French are the mechanics and the Brits are the cooks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sijec/whats_the_difference_between_heaven_and_hell/
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What we can say

Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.
But white people can say things that black people can't. Like "thanks for the warning officer" and "hi dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sigod/what_we_can_say/
%
Three guys get stranded on an island...

They are close to starvation, when a Native Tribe finds them and takes them back to their camp. The leader says:" Go in a jungle and bring back a fruit, then we will let you live". They go out looking for fruits, the first guy comes back with a peach. The leader says:" Now take the peach and shove it up your ass, if you exert any sort of emotion, we will kill you."
He attempts it but starts grunting from the effort so they cut his head off. The second man appears back from his trip with a grape. The leader gives him the same instructions, but the second guy doesn't seem to have any problems, but bursts out laughing mid way through his test. He too is beheaded.
In heaven the two guys meet, the first guy says:" I laughed because the peaches fuzz was tickling my bum, why did you laugh?"
The second man responded:" I was doing fine, until I saw the third guy come back with a watermelon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sierd/three_guys_get_stranded_on_an_island/
%
State trooper

A woman is driving through rural Pennsylvania when red and blue lights come on in her rearview mirror. The officer approaches the vehicle.
Officer:  Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?
Woman:  Ya, you wanted to invite me to the policeman's ball!
Officer:  Ma'am I am a Pennsylvania State Trooper and we don't have balls.
There was a moment of silence..... The officer tipped his hat, returned to his patrol car and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3siekc/state_trooper/
%
Where did the little Asian girl go when the little boy dropped by?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sic0y/where_did_the_little_asian_girl_go_when_the/
%
What's the difference between harass and annoy?

I have never had my finger in annoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3si8np/whats_the_difference_between_harass_and_annoy/
%
The word of the day is "Legs."

Spread the word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3si7er/the_word_of_the_day_is_legs/
%
Which Christian denomination knows the most about dinosaurs?

Episcopaleontologists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3si718/which_christian_denomination_knows_the_most_about/
%
How do you tell if someone is being a karma whore?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3si3q0/how_do_you_tell_if_someone_is_being_a_karma_whore/
%
Watched a sad porno the other day... [NSFW]

It was a real tear jerker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3si0xp/watched_a_sad_porno_the_other_day_nsfw/
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What do the Police and Pokémon have in common?

They gotta catch 'Jamal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3si0qr/what_do_the_police_and_pokémon_have_in_common/
%
I made a bunch of custom t-shirts for my footballer friends, and they suddenly turned into philosophers.

Must've been the soccer tees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3shzf6/i_made_a_bunch_of_custom_tshirts_for_my/
%
If I had a dollar for everything I did out of spite...

I wouldn't take the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3shswi/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_everything_i_did_out_of/
%
So a girl asked me if I was a tits or an ass man..

so I said, well my friends always tell me, "You're an ass, man!"
Ba dum tiss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3shpr7/so_a_girl_asked_me_if_i_was_a_tits_or_an_ass_man/
%
How are a frying pan and a beautiful woman similar?

You have to get them both hot before you put the meat in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sho0z/how_are_a_frying_pan_and_a_beautiful_woman_similar/
%
What's the one thing Spider-man can't eat?

Uncle bens rice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3shhjh/whats_the_one_thing_spiderman_cant_eat/
%
Why did Leonardo DiCaprio visit Sesame Street?

It was his only chance to see an Oscar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3shfoa/why_did_leonardo_dicaprio_visit_sesame_street/
%
Guy walks into a bar and is in despair....

He sits down and asks for 6 top shelf whiskey shots all lined up....
The bartender pours them all out and the guy quickly shoots them one by one.
He asks for 6 more and the bartender obliged.  As he's pouring the next 6 shots he gently asks the guy if he's ok.
The man replies with an awkward demeanor - " yah....I'm ok... But you would be nervous too if you had what I had."
The bartender asks the man curiously as he is finishing pouring the last round of shots....... "well... What do you have??"
the man quickly finishes drinking the last of the second round of shots and replies...
" fifty cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3shbnj/guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_is_in_despair/
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Which musical chord is the most holy?

Gsus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3shbfv/which_musical_chord_is_the_most_holy/
%
Why were there only 1000 people at the Million Mexican March?

They only had 2 trucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sha6e/why_were_there_only_1000_people_at_the_million/
%
Really wanted the day off, so I texted my boss...

"What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
I'm not coming in this morning.
(I got some time off now)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sha13/really_wanted_the_day_off_so_i_texted_my_boss/
%
How do you have a party in space?!

YOU PLANET! :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sh9ik/how_do_you_have_a_party_in_space/
%
How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sh61l/how_do_farmers_party/
%
Man walks into his bedroom

with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sh52x/man_walks_into_his_bedroom/
%
I was in the car with my son.

"Daddy, why did you and Mummy break up?" he asked.
I said, "I don't want to talk about it right now."
"Why not?" he asked.
"We're on the way to a funeral," I replied, "Where we're supposed to be sad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sh06i/i_was_in_the_car_with_my_son/
%
If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning...

Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sgzyd/if_four_out_of_five_people_suffer_from_radiation/
%
A miracle birth

A doctor and nurse were having an affair, and the nurse got pregnant. Being a little large, and not very bright, she didn't realize she was pregnant until she was very far along. In a panic she went to the doctor and said, "What should we do?"
The doctor came up with a brilliant plan. A priest was just about to go into surgery for a stomach problem at their hospital, so he rearranged things to have him and the nurse do the operation. He delivered the baby by c-section, took care of the priest's stomach problem, quietly made arrangements for the nurse to recover at her home ... and proclaimed a miracle: the priest hadn't actually had a stomach problem ... he'd been pregnant! He just delivered a healthy baby boy!
Amazingly, everyone believed it, including the priest. He took the boy home from the hospital, and raised it as his own. As the boy grew up, the priest wouldn't tell him about his origin. Whenever the boy asked, "Who's my father?" the priest said, "I'll let you know when you are 16."
When the boy turned 16, the priest finally told him the story. He told about how he'd gone into the hospital, and the boy had been miraculously born into the world. The boy said, "Wow ... so you really are my father!"
The priest said, "Well actually, I'm your mother. The arch-bishop ... he's really your father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sgyb4/a_miracle_birth/
%
My brother told me he thinks I invade his privacy

Well he didn't actually tell me. I read it in his diary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sgxy6/my_brother_told_me_he_thinks_i_invade_his_privacy/
%
So... the girl I lost my virginity to was retarded.

I wanted my first time to be special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sguol/so_the_girl_i_lost_my_virginity_to_was_retarded/
%
As a large adult male I think I could probably last at least 30 seconds with Rhonda Rousey

But probably less than 10 seconds in a fight against her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sgpfi/as_a_large_adult_male_i_think_i_could_probably/
%
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar...

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sgp5s/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walk_into_a/
%
What is the difference between english and russian fairy tales?

English fairy tales start with "Once upon a time.."
Russian fairy tales start with soon comrades, soon..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sgmbo/what_is_the_difference_between_english_and/
%
How many sheep are there?

Two guys are walking near a ranch. They notice a herd of sheep in the distance, and after only 30 seconds the first guy tells the other one that there are 437 sheep.
Naturally, the second guy didn't believe him so he went over the fence and after asking the owner, he found out that there indeed are 437 sheep. Still in shock, he asked his friend how the hell did he count all those sheep so fast, to which the first guy replied: It's easy, just count the legs and divide by 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sgklv/how_many_sheep_are_there/
%
Why did the console gamer cross the street?

To render the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sgjh9/why_did_the_console_gamer_cross_the_street/
%
So a man sits down at a bar that has a huge jar full of cash on it...

The man calls the bartender and says "Hey, what's the jar for?" The bartender tells the man that the bar has a challenge where if a customer can complete 3 tasks they will take home all the money in the jar, but if they lose, they have to empty their wallet into it. The man sizes up the jar and asks the bartender what the tasks were.
The bartender said " First, you must drink an entire gallon of tequila in less than 5 minutes."
"Second, you must go out into the alley behind the bar where I keep my pet alligator. He has a sore tooth, and you have to pull it out."
"Third, their is a woman in the apartment above the bar who is 83 years old and has never had an orgasm in her life. You would have to give her one."
The man thought for a moment, and with a little liquid confidence told the bartender he would like to try. The man grabbed the tequila and chugged the whole thing in under a minute. After that he hopped up from his stool and stumbled out into the alley, when the rest of the patrons heard the most godawful noise they had ever heard in their life.
After about 10 minutes of noise the man stumbles back in, bloody and bruised, and slurringly says "Okay! So where's the old woman with the sore tooth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sgjb5/so_a_man_sits_down_at_a_bar_that_has_a_huge_jar/
%
How does a tornado tell the time?

It checks the tornado watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sgi3t/how_does_a_tornado_tell_the_time/
%
Dog for sale . . .

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sgent/dog_for_sale/
%
The teacher told the kids: name a few things that you can put in your mouth.

Kids: Apple, chocolate, cookie, lamp
Who said that last one?
Johhny stood up and said: it was me.
Why do you think you can put a lamp in your mouth? the teacher asked.
Because last night, after I went to sleep I heard my dad tell my mom to turn off the lamp so he can put it in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sgcoc/the_teacher_told_the_kids_name_a_few_things_that/
%
Physical

Doctor gave me a physical and says I have to stop master bating. I ask why?  He says "because I'm giving you a physical"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sg8ul/physical/
%
Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sg7yg/mom_son_why_dont_you_talk_to_mark_anymore_you/
%
I ordered the Club Salad for lunch..

I asked waitress "What all comes in the club salad?"
She said "Lettuce, turnip, the beat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sg6i2/i_ordered_the_club_salad_for_lunch/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby

. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sg3cm/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
%
An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."
The husband is mad, but forgives her, and asks, "but which cheapskate gave you the nickel?"
She replies, "They all did."
Credit goes to u/umm_umm_

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sg15r/an_elderly_wife_is_on_her_death_bed_and_calls_her/
%
why was the SJW angry at apple

because it wasn't PC.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sfwqw/why_was_the_sjw_angry_at_apple/
%
A man walks into a pharmacy...

...and he asks the pharmacist if they sell viagra.
"We do" the pharmacist replies.
"Have you tried it?" the man asks.
"I have."
"Does it work?"
"It does."
"Can you get it over the counter?"
"If I take two".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sfwa0/a_man_walks_into_a_pharmacy/
%
I hadn't been laid in a long time, so I slipped a girl a roofie at a bar.

She still wouldn't have sex with me, she just wanted to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sfvy9/i_hadnt_been_laid_in_a_long_time_so_i_slipped_a/
%
I told my friend she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high...

she looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sfo1t/i_told_my_friend_shed_drawn_her_eyebrows_on_too/
%
I'm selling my Theremin....

I haven't touched it in years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sflx2/im_selling_my_theremin/
%
What's the difference between an onion and a prostitute?

When I cut up a prostitute i don't cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sfkaj/whats_the_difference_between_an_onion_and_a/
%
A photon walks into a hotel...

and the desk clerk says, "can I help you with your luggage?"
The photon responds, "no thanks, I'm traveling light."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sffms/a_photon_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
What did one gay sperm say to the other?

"How am I supposed to find an egg in all this shit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sfetw/what_did_one_gay_sperm_say_to_the_other/
%
I installed anti-virus on my PC

Now the damned thing has autism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sfcji/i_installed_antivirus_on_my_pc/
%
What's difference between Caitlyn Jenner and Kim Kardashian? (Offensive)

Nothing, both women got famous by making a dick disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sfc9v/whats_difference_between_caitlyn_jenner_and_kim/
%
The U.S. instituted a new law after a man dressed as Santa committed a felony.

It was called the Santa Clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sfc7e/the_us_instituted_a_new_law_after_a_man_dressed/
%
Three Blondes Walk Into A Bar

Thought one of them would have seen it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sfbpz/three_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bucket of shit?

The bucket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sfaxa/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and_a/
%
Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean?

I've never had a lima bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sfa9q/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
A Jewish man lost his bike...

and went to his rabbi for advice. "Next week come to services and sit in the front row," the rabbi tells the man, "and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behind you. When we get to 'Thou shalt not steal,' see who can't look you in the eyes. That's your guy." After the next service, the rabbi is curious to learn whether his advice had worked or not. "So, did it work?" he asked the man. "Like a charm," the man answered. "The moment we got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I had left my bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sf8xs/a_jewish_man_lost_his_bike/
%
If I had a nickel for every time I had sex...

... I'd be a very cheap hooker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sf6rc/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_i_had_sex/
%
Why did the condom fly out of the window?

Because it was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sf5n0/why_did_the_condom_fly_out_of_the_window/
%
Don't let an extra chromosome keep you down

Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sf50v/dont_let_an_extra_chromosome_keep_you_down/
%
How do Muslims like their food served?

Allah Carte

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sf4ja/how_do_muslims_like_their_food_served/
%
U.S male active duty and veterans...on this special day, make sure to call up all your old flames, current lovers. Wives and girlfriends as well as any others who helped you out during long deployments and say.....

"Thank you for your cervix!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sf4ex/us_male_active_duty_and_veteranson_this_special/
%
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sf3ra/what_do_princess_diana_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
%
I have CDO

It's like OCD, but the letters are in order. Like they should be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sf1ca/i_have_cdo/
%
The M1 walks into a bar

[Americans, the M1 is a big road]
The M1 walked into a bar. He goes to the barman and says "Give me a pint". He gets his drink and starts angrily drinking.
In walks the A9. The A9 tries to order a pint. The M1 begins shouting "OI, fuck off. Who do you think you are? I'm the M1, the biggest hardest road in the country, 6 lanes, 2 hard shoulders, I'm not drinking with a shitty A road like you. What do you have 4 lanes? Pathetic, fuck off".
The A9 leaves the bar sheepishly.
Next, in walks the B768, who walks up to the bar and tries to order a drink.
The M1 kicks off again.. "who the fuck are you?! Two lanes? No hard shoulder? I'm not drinking with you, fuck off!"
The B768 walks out sheepishly as the barman watches on worried.
Next, in walks an unnamed road, single lane, dirt track. Hardly even a road at all.
He walks to the bar, orders a drink, sits quietly and drinks up undisturbed.
He eventually leaves. The barman says to the M1 "I thought you were the biggest hardest road in the country? What about that little weedy road? Why didn't you say anything to him?"
The M1 says "Who him?! No chance. He's a fucking cycle path"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sey85/the_m1_walks_into_a_bar/
%
2 condoms are walking down the street and pass a gay bar...

One turns to the other and says
"Hey, you wanna go get shit faced?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sevge/2_condoms_are_walking_down_the_street_and_pass_a/
%
Two guys are walking down the street...

...when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sev73/two_guys_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
Former police officers are offering their services to appear in court for you.

It’s a form of copper recycling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sev04/former_police_officers_are_offering_their/
%
So there was this pun contest at my school last year...

I have some really good jokes and I was sure I could win the $100 prize, so I went to the submission table and saw that there wasn't a limit on how many jokes you could put in. So I thought to myself, *I can really increase my chances of winning by entering 10 jokes!* So I put in my 10 best jokes and waited for the contest to end.
About two weeks later I went to the results page to see if any of my jokes had won, but no pun in ten did!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sesbc/so_there_was_this_pun_contest_at_my_school_last/
%
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

The prostitute will stop screwing you when you die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ses3l/whats_the_difference_between_a_lawyer_and_a/
%
Do you guys know the story about the broken pencil?

Nevermind, it has no point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sep8m/do_you_guys_know_the_story_about_the_broken_pencil/
%
A Psychic Buying Clothes

Employee:  How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Employee: You didn't even try it on.
Psychic: I'm a medium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3seoy6/a_psychic_buying_clothes/
%
What brand of pen does Lance Armstrong use?

Uni-ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sel8t/what_brand_of_pen_does_lance_armstrong_use/
%
If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...

Then plug me back in. See if that works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sel7g/if_im_ever_on_life_support_unplug_me/
%
I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers.

But the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3seihz/i_really_want_to_buy_one_of_those_grocery/
%
There was a kidnapping at school!

It's ok though, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3seicm/there_was_a_kidnapping_at_school/
%
Those goddamn Asian drivers.......

Always crashing my PC

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3seh2i/those_goddamn_asian_drivers/
%
When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3see1d/when_i_was_young_my_mum_used_to_put_food_on_a/
%
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb

Exactly one. They are efficient... and have no humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3see1a/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What is the difference between American teenage girls amd Muslim teenage girls? (Offensive)

American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sea42/what_is_the_difference_between_american_teenage/
%
I was walking around an art gallery with my wife.

"Does anything in this room get you excited?" she said, with a cheeky wink.
I said, "Yes, some of the paintings."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3se9ni/i_was_walking_around_an_art_gallery_with_my_wife/
%
Why was the magnet seeing the Psychiatrist?

Because it was bipolar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3se8e1/why_was_the_magnet_seeing_the_psychiatrist/
%
Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3se0av/authorities_in_beijing_have_advised_that_the/
%
What did the chemist say when hr found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sdy4x/what_did_the_chemist_say_when_hr_found_2_isotopes/
%
Listening to ska is like a bad hand job...

It's all upstrokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sdrpx/listening_to_ska_is_like_a_bad_hand_job/
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What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common?

They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sdnng/what_does_santa_claus_and_jared_from_subway_have/
%
A man walked into a bar and sat down

, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said “beautiful shirt“.
At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sdkyp/a_man_walked_into_a_bar_and_sat_down/
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At my trial the judge asked me how i justified using force to get women to sleep with me...

Apparently "Because I'm a Jedi" wasn't a good enough excuse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sdgy5/at_my_trial_the_judge_asked_me_how_i_justified/
%
What did the sniper say when asked if he ever had to shoot someone he knew?

"Yea it was a long distance relationship."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sdgr1/what_did_the_sniper_say_when_asked_if_he_ever_had/
%
First Review in for "The Force Awakens"

Absolutely to die for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sd8xy/first_review_in_for_the_force_awakens/
%
Once you go black...

...you're a single mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sd1pd/once_you_go_black/
%
If you could have a superpower, what would you pick?

Cold War Russia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sd1p4/if_you_could_have_a_superpower_what_would_you_pick/
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Man goes to Dr and asks him, doc "what do I have to do to live to be 100?"

Doc asks? Do you drink or do drugs? No, do you fornicate a lot? No, do you eat a lot
of red meat? No, do you do any sky diving or bungee jumping? No. THEN WHY THE FUCK YOU WANT TO LIVE TO BE 100?!??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sczvu/man_goes_to_dr_and_asks_him_doc_what_do_i_have_to/
%
An Irish Prayer

May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May He turn their ankles
So we will know them by their limping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sczto/an_irish_prayer/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and German are watching a juggler perform...

Concerned they cannot see the performance, the juggler stands on a wooden box and yells "Can you see me gentlemen?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scywp/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_german/
%
What do you call an albino gorilla?

Honkey Kong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scyp8/what_do_you_call_an_albino_gorilla/
%
Why do Americans in Asia hate when they get dumped?

They see their ex everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scyl8/why_do_americans_in_asia_hate_when_they_get_dumped/
%
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scvct/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
Favorite song

What's a chinese chef's favorite song?
I believe I can fry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scujg/favorite_song/
%
A husband and wife are celebrating their 20th anniversary.......

The wife is naked in front of her husband and says " The first time you saw me naked you said you wanted to suck my tits dry and fuck my brains out. What do you think now?"
The husband looks at his wife and says "I think I did a pretty good job".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scugl/a_husband_and_wife_are_celebrating_their_20th/
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What's different for Sean Connery when he has sex with his wife or with a prostitute?

It's the shame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scs8q/whats_different_for_sean_connery_when_he_has_sex/
%
What do farts and children have in common?

You love your own, but hate everyone else's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scp49/what_do_farts_and_children_have_in_common/
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A physicist walks into a bar...

and orders two drinks, having one for himself and leaving the other one untouched at the stool beside him. The next day, the bartender notices that he does it again, and the day after, he does it a third time. When he does it a fourth time, the bartender finally asks him "why do you keep ordering two drinks but only having one?". In response, the physicist says "according to the laws of physics, there is a statistical chance that billions of atoms could align perfectly and form a beautiful woman sitting on the stool". The bartender then asks "why don't you just ask a woman to have a drink with you and see if she says yes?", to which the physicist replies "well what's the chance that that's actually going to happen?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scnc6/a_physicist_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three girls were waiting for their periods

...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scn4j/three_girls_were_waiting_for_their_periods/
%
What's the one thing Spider-man can't eat?

Uncle bens rice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scluz/whats_the_one_thing_spiderman_cant_eat/
%
Me and my ex-girlfriend just weren't meant to be together, she was a Capricorn...

and I don't believe in bullshit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sclsa/me_and_my_exgirlfriend_just_werent_meant_to_be/
%
Two fish are in a tank

One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scljm/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
You shouldn't kiss someone on January 1st

It's the first date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sck2n/you_shouldnt_kiss_someone_on_january_1st/
%
How many Marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fuck it, we'll drink in the dark.
(Happy birthday Devildogs)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scbug/how_many_marines_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Timmy and Billy compare Christmas presents...

Two 9 year old boys, Timmy and Billy, met after Christmas. Billy asked, "How was your Christmas, Timmy? Did you get any nice presents?"
Timmy's eyes opened wide. "It was amazing!" he said. "I got an Xbox One with all of the games, PLUS a Playstation, a brand new remote control car, a helicopter, an iPad, an iPhone 6, a drone camera, and all the Transformers toys, and a whole bunch of candy and chocolates, a big cake, and a new bike! I got everything I asked for and more."
"Oh my God!" Billy said. "That's so cool. You're so lucky. I didn't get much. I got a new sweater and some puzzles."
"That's too bad," Timmy said. "How come that's all you got?"
Billy looked at his feet. "Because *I* don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scbpr/timmy_and_billy_compare_christmas_presents/
%
The woman next to me on this roller-coaster won't stop screaming and shouting.

It's like she's never seen a penis before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scbkd/the_woman_next_to_me_on_this_rollercoaster_wont/
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Why did Adolf Hitler hate math class?

He didn't like showing his work; was only interested in the final solution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3scao1/why_did_adolf_hitler_hate_math_class/
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How much does it cost to get a hearing test from a pirate?

A bucaneer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sc96l/how_much_does_it_cost_to_get_a_hearing_test_from/
%
Choice

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sc8u6/choice/
%
A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel hanging from his crotch. Someone asks "what is that on you?"
He responds, "Arrr, I've no idea, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sc72n/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Don't mess with Women!!

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".
"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sc67c/dont_mess_with_women/
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How do you find Will Smith in winter?

You follow the Fresh Prince

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sc5tw/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_winter/
%
A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when their baby was born,

"I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a photo-copier."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sc3ma/a_motherinlaw_said_to_her_sons_wife_when_their/
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Tampons

Young lad gets a job in a chemist shop. A lady comes in and asks for a box of tampons. The lad being really shy runs into the back of the shop and asks one of the female assistants to serve the lady. The female assistant returns to the lad and tells him "This is the sort of thing you will have to get used to if you want to continue working here." The next month the same lady comes into the shop and asks "Can I have a box of tampons please?" The young lad overcomes his shyness and serves the lady. This goes on and after a few months the lad becomes more confident. One month the lady comes in, and this time she asks for a packet of cotton wool. The young lad, rather surprised at this request, quickly replies, "Have you started rolling your own?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sbz7q/tampons/
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Where's the best place to look for a joke?

The mirror

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sbyzc/wheres_the_best_place_to_look_for_a_joke/
%
Helpless Dad.

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replies. "I work for the IRS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sbv3n/helpless_dad/
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Tests are like jokes...

You just gotta get through them, and sometimes you find out they're not that bad!
And other times you have cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sbtty/tests_are_like_jokes/
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Whats long and hard and has cum in it ...................

A cucumber :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sbs69/whats_long_and_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
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What should you do when life gives you melons?

Get tested for dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sbrkh/what_should_you_do_when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
I like my women the way I like my coffee.

I don't like coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sbk67/i_like_my_women_the_way_i_like_my_coffee/
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Pineapple & Semen

Isn't it odd that pineapple makes semen taste good, yet semen makes pineapple taste like shit.
Credit to Harris Wittels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sbjgq/pineapple_semen/
%
What do you get when you cross a Classical German composer with an erupting volcano?

Baklava.
(It came to me in a dream last night. I dunno man..)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sbing/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_classical_german/
%
A man found out that his wife is pregnant with twins

. He went to his psychic and asked her how well the twins will do in life.
She replied: "One of them will go out into the world and become a leader of men. He will gain great wealth and accomplish many things. He will live in a mansion and have many expensive cars. He will have a truly bright future."
"The other is a girl".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sbhiw/a_man_found_out_that_his_wife_is_pregnant_with/
%
Little Johnny never paid attention in English class.

The teacher, thinking he would catch Johnny off-gaurd, asked him a question to put him on the spot in front of the class.
"Johnny, can you give an example of a rhetorical question?"
Johnny responded, "Why don't you go fuck yourself?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sbebw/little_johnny_never_paid_attention_in_english/
%
I hate it when I'm watching porn and suddenly there's a man's butthole right in my face.

And I'm like "go away, dad. I'm watching porn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sbdya/i_hate_it_when_im_watching_porn_and_suddenly/
%
In honor of Veterans day I give you this..

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of
buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend
to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the
General's new bird dog, ''Sarge''.
The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the
friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined,
saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and
that he wouldn't part with him at any price.
A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and
was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. ''What
happened to ole ''Sarge?'' he asked.
''Had to shoot him,'' grumbled the General. ''A friend came to hunt
with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him
Colonel. After that, all that damn dog would do was sit on his ass and
bark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sbdh9/in_honor_of_veterans_day_i_give_you_this/
%
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

It's a really obscure number.  You probably never heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sbaqe/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Why do you never find elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sb3mp/why_do_you_never_find_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip

They set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.  "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies: "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that  there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sb2ja/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_go_on_a_camping_trip/
%
I just got a new job at a prison library.

It has its prose and cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sawnh/i_just_got_a_new_job_at_a_prison_library/
%
Little Johnny

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.  His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.  "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.  She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3saw83/little_johnny/
%
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

They always take things literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sauua/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
Car Problems

On a really hot day, a penguin takes his car to a mechanic. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, I was just eating ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sat6g/car_problems/
%
I'm no weatherman, but I am Asian...

So expect at least half an inch tonight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3saskx/im_no_weatherman_but_i_am_asian/
%
Why does Ariel the Mermaid wear seashells?

She grew out of her B - shells!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sark2/why_does_ariel_the_mermaid_wear_seashells/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never paid $300 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3saogg/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
Stats show the average person has sex 89 times per year

Looks like I'm in store for a wild December

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3san2l/stats_show_the_average_person_has_sex_89_times/
%
Where did George Washington keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3samf0/where_did_george_washington_keep_his_armies/
%
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, that's a hardware issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3saff8/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Did you hear about the guy born with 5 dicks?

His pants fit like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3saeza/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_born_with_5_dicks/
%
I Want A Divorce

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and
asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sadrh/i_want_a_divorce/
%
How much porn did Jared Fogle have on his computer?

A pedobyte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sace2/how_much_porn_did_jared_fogle_have_on_his_computer/
%
it was nothing

A mother and her young son are taking a walk through the countryside when the son spots a horse with a huge errection raging between its legs.
"Mommy, what is that thing hanging between the horses legs?" he asks
The mother blushes and avoids the question "Oh, erm... that's nothing"
The boy isn't too pleased with this answer though, and a few days later he happens to be walking past the same field again, but this time he's with his dad. Again, the horse has a ginormous errection.
"Daddy, what's that thing between that horses legs there?" the boy asks again.
"That, my son, is his penis"
"Huh. When i asked Mommy she said it was nothing"
"Yeah, but she's been spoiled"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sa5z8/it_was_nothing/
%
A Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff

Baa-Dumm-Tsss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sa4gf/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.

That's it. That's the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sa42g/schrödingers_cat_walks_into_a_bar_and_doesnt/
%
A woman sits alone at the bar

A man is waiting for his drink and asks the lady "you must be single right?".
"What, a woman can't have a drink alone at the bar without being single?!"
"No, you're just really ugly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9znq/a_woman_sits_alone_at_the_bar/
%
Did you know condoms have serial numbers?

Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9z5u/did_you_know_condoms_have_serial_numbers/
%
A lady walks into a grocery store.

She says hello and looks around the place for five minutes. Finally she walks up to the owner and says,
'Good morning sir. I was wondering if you have any broccoli left.'
'Really sorry ma'am, we're fresh out of broccoli. We might have some more tomorrow.'
'Oh. I see.'
Despite this, she keeps standing there, looking mildly disappointed. After a few seconds she looks up to the shelves stocked with fresh fruit and vegetables and slowly walks past them, examining their contents but without picking anything up. After another five minutes she walks back up to the owner and says,
'Hello again. Are you really sure you don't have any broccoli?'
'Er...quite positive, ma'am. We just sold the last bag to the gentleman before you. I'm afraid we won't have any more until tomorrow. Could I interest you in some cauliflower?'
'Oh. No, thank you.'
Once again, she takes a good look around the store and walks around the various displays. Once again she asks the owner,
'You know, I could really use some broccoli.'
'Look ma'am, I don't want to sound rude but I don't really know how else to tell you. We're out of broccoli. We have lettuce, spinach, carrots - you name it, we have it. Just no broccoli. I'm sorry.'
'Oh. I see.' she goes again, but again she says there and keeps looking around at the displays.
After another five minutes, sure enough, she goes to the owner again and says,
'Are you *absolutely* sure you have no broccoli left?'
The owner lets out an exasperated huff and starts,
'Look lady, listen here. What do you get if you take the pine out of pineapple?'
Slightly puzzled, she answers, 'An apple?'
'Right. And what do you get if you take the water out of watermelon?'
'A melon!'
'Correct. Now what do you get if you take the fuck out of broccoli?'
She thinks about it for a moment, then says 'There's no fuck in broccoli!'
'THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FUCKIN TELL YOU!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9yo7/a_lady_walks_into_a_grocery_store/
%
A Roman walks into a bar..

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9ylp/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My girlfriend of 5 years asked me...

My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.
I said "back in '09". It sounds much better than saying September.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9xb3/my_girlfriend_of_5_years_asked_me/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.  You don't need a lightbulb when you have a glass ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9qdz/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I rolled over and saw a girl laying in bed next to me.

"How the fuck did you get in here?" I asked.
She said, "You don't remember last night, do you?"
"I do," I replied, "But my hallway is narrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9p7m/i_rolled_over_and_saw_a_girl_laying_in_bed_next/
%
The woman at the nightclub.

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks,
''So, how was I?''
She says, ''Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9p5h/the_woman_at_the_nightclub/
%
How many IT people does it take to change a light bulb?

Do you have a ticket for that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9o6w/how_many_it_people_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Boolean Algebra

You either know it or you don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9n3f/boolean_algebra/
%
Capitalization can really change a sentence.

Example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9jmz/capitalization_can_really_change_a_sentence/
%
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess

... so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9hqy/a_man_in_amsterdam_feels_the_need_to_confess/
%
I don't trust stairs

They're always up to something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9h90/i_dont_trust_stairs/
%
How many ants does it take to rent a house?

Ten ants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9e4g/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_rent_a_house/
%
A book fell on my head today...

I blame my shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9ccx/a_book_fell_on_my_head_today/
%
I wish I would be poor for a day

Instead of every day of the year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9c0s/i_wish_i_would_be_poor_for_a_day/
%
Did you hear about the Redditor who's wife gave birth to twins?

When he was handed the first to be delivered he looked into his new son's eyes and formed an instant connection. The emotions were overwhelming. The resemblance to himself was striking. All his selfish thoughts melted away. At that moment he realised that his life was so much greater for now he was responsible for this new life, a life that was a part of himself, an extension of himself into the future. This new responsibility weighed heavily on his shoulders but strangely, rather than scare him, it gave him comfort.
Then the doctor handed him the second baby. He was identical to the first in every way. The father felt new, even stronger emotions this time. They well up inside him.
He looked to his wife and shouted "REPOST", called her a karma whore and stormed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s97l5/did_you_hear_about_the_redditor_whos_wife_gave/
%
If a stork makes white babies, and a crow makes black babies, what makes no babies?

A Swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s93bp/if_a_stork_makes_white_babies_and_a_crow_makes/
%
My wife just emailed me asking if we had any moving boxes

I told her no... All of our boxes are still. That's why we purchased them from a stationary store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s8xop/my_wife_just_emailed_me_asking_if_we_had_any/
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Hillary Clinton goes jogging [long]

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the river below.
Before anyone else could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water.
She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid says, “I want to go to Disneyland.”
Hilary says, “No problem, I’ll take you there on my campaign airplane”.
The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans.”
Hilary says, “I’ll get them for you, and even have Michael personally sign them!”
The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!”
Hilary is a little perplexed by this and says, “But you don’t look like you’re disabled.”
The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s8v5z/hillary_clinton_goes_jogging_long/
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Two blondes are walking in a forest..

..when they come across some tracks.
The first blonde suggests they are fox tracks, but her friend thinks they may be bear tracks because of the large size of them, not wanting to be out done by her friend, the first blonde changes her mind and insists that they have to be deer tracks.
The two were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s8s3y/two_blondes_are_walking_in_a_forest/
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(NSFW?) What did the dick say to the condom?

Cover me I'm going in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s8q3r/nsfw_what_did_the_dick_say_to_the_condom/
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A man, a zoo and a horny gorilla

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating. The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500? He asks.
The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this. The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.
Well, says the janitor, I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.
Credit to /u/Bic_Parker for the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s8cgl/a_man_a_zoo_and_a_horny_gorilla/
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A zoophiliac, a necrophilliac, a masochist, a sadist, and a satanist are in a room

together.
"I want to find a cat to fuck" says the zoophilliac
"We should sacrifice it to our dark Lord when you're done." says the satanist.
"Good idea, but we should cut its eyes out and skin it while its still alive before we kill it" says the sadist
"Then after we kill it we can fuck it!"says the necrophiliac
The masochist looks around the room. "meow" he says

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s8aq2/a_zoophiliac_a_necrophilliac_a_masochist_a_sadist/
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A heavily pregnant woman goes into labor in a retail store.

A crowd gathers around her as people struggle to help, or at least make her comfortable.
Panicked a man looks around and asks "Is anyone here a doctor?!"
From  the crowd steps a man wearing skinny jeans and a plaid shirt, with short, neat hair and a scruffy beard. "I'm a vegan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s8a0o/a_heavily_pregnant_woman_goes_into_labor_in_a/
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There's no such thing as the funny bone...

But I heard the upper arm is quite humerus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s892y/theres_no_such_thing_as_the_funny_bone/
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Did you guys hear about the Mexican racist?

He joined the que que que

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s86hc/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_mexican_racist/
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What has two heads and six legs?

Nirvana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s85bi/what_has_two_heads_and_six_legs/
%
What did the sadist do to the masochist?

Nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s83ye/what_did_the_sadist_do_to_the_masochist/
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The Word "Penis" is written on a chalkboard...

On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.
"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"
On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s82g9/the_word_penis_is_written_on_a_chalkboard/
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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s81m4/a_man_just_assaulted_me_with_milk_cream_and_butter/
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I watch zombie movies to prepare myself if one day it really happens.

Same for porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s810u/i_watch_zombie_movies_to_prepare_myself_if_one/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they are dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s7vif/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
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Why is Tumblr so odd?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s7r4w/why_is_tumblr_so_odd/
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Two Jews at Miami Beach

Two Jewish men from New York pass each other walking down Miami beach. They see each other walking every now and then over a couple months and eventually introduce themselves and walk together. After walking for awhile the first said to the second how did you end up here in Miami. The second man told him that he owned a garment factory until there was a fire that burnt it to the ground and because he was older he decided to just keep the insurance money and retire. When the second asked the first how he came to be in Miami he told him it was a very similar story. He also had owned a garment factory until a flood destroyed it which also cause him to retire. After their talk they walked for a minute or two and the second man turns to the first and asks, how exactly do you start a flood?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s7kq4/two_jews_at_miami_beach/
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Saw a "Don't Text and Drive" sign on my way into work today.

Good thing I took a second to look up from my phone, otherwise I may have missed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s7gjw/saw_a_dont_text_and_drive_sign_on_my_way_into/
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The toughest cowboy

Three cowboys were sitting around the fire telling ole cowboy stories to prove how tough they were. The first cowboy said " One time there was a ragin' bull, runnin' wild in the town, destroyin' everything! So I ran em' down, grabbed em' by the horns and resettled him to the ground ". The second cowboy said " that's tough. But one time I got bit by a rattler, I snached  em' up, twisted his head off, mixed up an anti-venom outta his venom and whiskey, and injected it with one of his fangs". The third cowboy just sat there by the fire slowly stirring the coals with his penis. - credit to an old school Playboy I got my hands on when I was 13 (just to read the articles) the joke stuck with me for the past 20years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s7eqf/the_toughest_cowboy/
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I recently went to a gathering for turtles...

..bit dull. None of us came out of our shell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s7ae7/i_recently_went_to_a_gathering_for_turtles/
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A banana, a pickle, and a penis are sitting in a bar...

They are all bullshitting about their lives and how bad they each have it.
The banana pipes up and says "Man, my life really sucks. Ya know, when I get big, ripe, and juicy they take me, slice me up, and throw me on an ice cold ice cream sundae."
The pickle says "Ha! That's a laugh! I got it 10 times worse than you! Cause' when I get big, ripe, and juicy they take me, slice me up, and throw me on a searing' hot hamburger with all the fixings!"
The penis looks up, chuckles, and says " I got it worse than both of ya! When I get big, ripe. And juicy they take me, stretch a plastic bag over my head, and throw me in a dark room where the bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out! And this is at least 3 times a week!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s741y/a_banana_a_pickle_and_a_penis_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
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No Beer For the Bartender

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s73x2/no_beer_for_the_bartender/
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Why did the vegan zombie visit the coma ward?

Because it only ate vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s72hw/why_did_the_vegan_zombie_visit_the_coma_ward/
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Fallout 4 came out for most of us, but Japan doesn't get it until Dec. 17...

That's absolutely fair; they got the original fallout 70 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s6wcl/fallout_4_came_out_for_most_of_us_but_japan/
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s6vqw/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_joke_with_a/
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Voting booths are like brothels

You have to decide which ass you want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s6vpc/voting_booths_are_like_brothels/
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Mary had a little lamb

And a side of mashed potatoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s6uvy/mary_had_a_little_lamb/
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What is a necrophiliac's safe word?

I'm alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s6tfa/what_is_a_necrophiliacs_safe_word/
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Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's really time-consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s6qkz/have_you_ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
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I like my women how i like my Little Ceasars Pizza...

Hot and Ready for only $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s6l63/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_little_ceasars_pizza/
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How do astronomers organize a party?

They planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s6jcg/how_do_astronomers_organize_a_party/
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I'd like to give a shout out to the sidewalk....

for keeping me off the streets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s6jb9/id_like_to_give_a_shout_out_to_the_sidewalk/
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Life is like a jar of jellybeans

Everyone hates the black ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s6i6d/life_is_like_a_jar_of_jellybeans/
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Reaching the end of a job interview,

The HR asked a young economist right out of college, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The economist answered "I was thinking about 125,000 a year, depending on the benefits".
Well how about, 5 weeks vacation, 2 weeks paid holidays, full mental and dental, a company car-lets say a red corvette.
The economist jumped out of his chair " Wow, are you kidding?"
"Yeah, but you started it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s6gyg/reaching_the_end_of_a_job_interview/
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Three couples want to join a church

... One has been married for 25 years, the second couple has been married for 5 years, and newlyweds. The priest tells them they can join the church, but only if they don't have sex for one week to prove their dedication.
A week later they return and the priest asks them how it went. The couple that was together for 25 years said that it was no problem, and the priest told them they were able to join. The couple that was married for 5 years said that it was a little tough, but they refrained. Again, the priest happily welcomes them to the church. The priest then turns to the newlyweds and asks them about the week. The husband says that they were doing okay, until his wife knocked over a paint can.
Confused, the priest asks what spilling paint had to do with anything. The husband replied that when his wife was bent over to pick up the paint can, lust took over and they had sex right then and there.
The priest is very flustered and tells them "That's disgusting! Leave at once, you're never allowed here again!"
The wife replies, "That's the same thing they told us at Home Depot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s6gkb/three_couples_want_to_join_a_church/
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We went to the movie the other night.....

.... I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?" "No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s6ftz/we_went_to_the_movie_the_other_night/
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Boss and secretary.

A boss says to his secretary: "I wanna have sex with you, ill make it fast. Ill throw a 1000 bucks on the floor and by the time u bend down and pick it up ill be done."
She thinks about it and decides to ask her boyfriend
He tells her to ask for 2000 bucks and pickup the money really fast and to call her when its done.
An hour later the boyfriebd gets worried and calls her. He asks "what happened why didnt u call?"
So she says: "The bastard used coins!! Im still picking and he's still fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s6cao/boss_and_secretary/
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Never forget.

Never forget that Americans can't even get the date the right way around.
Sincerely the rest of the world on 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s68yg/never_forget/
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Anal with my girlfriend made my day.

But it made her hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s683w/anal_with_my_girlfriend_made_my_day/
%
Sometimes cannibals eat people without even cooking them,

but it's rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s67xx/sometimes_cannibals_eat_people_without_even/
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Did you guys hear about the dry erase board

It's remarkable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s658f/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_dry_erase_board/
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Why can't a Stormtrooper have a baby?

Because they always miss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s656y/why_cant_a_stormtrooper_have_a_baby/
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So a Doctor walks into a bar...

As he takes a seat at the bar, he looks up in confusion wondering why he can't locate the bartender and whether or not he should be concerned by the mouse perched behind the bar looking him dead in the eye. The mouse squeaks, "What'll you have, doc?" Taken aback and considering the possibility of hallucinations, the doctor responds, "Anything. Just make me a drink." So the mouse leaves and then returns with a drink. The doctor takes a sip, is promptly disgusted, and spits it all out. "Mouse, what is this drink?"
The mouse responds, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s5xtk/so_a_doctor_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why a baker?

Why did the baker become a baker?
He just couldn't cut it as a butcher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s5w0t/why_a_baker/
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Little Ian

A teacher was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church," she asked them, "would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that  get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now she was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
She was just bursting with pride for them and continued, "Then HOW can I get into heaven?"
Little six-year-old Ian shouted: "Yuv got tae be fukin' dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s5rr1/little_ian/
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A bank is a place that will lend you money...

if you can prove that you don't need it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s5o3q/a_bank_is_a_place_that_will_lend_you_money/
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish....

And a Bass Pro Shop salesman will eat for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s5mpz/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day_teach_a/
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Why did the crab hate to share?

He was a little shellfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s5l93/why_did_the_crab_hate_to_share/
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I lost my car keys after the meeting...

After a meeting, I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys.
They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room, it wasn't there too.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is the car will be stolen if left at the ignition key slot..
Immediately, I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, Description of the car, Place I parked, etc, I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that the car had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband, "Honey", I stammered; (I always call him "honey" in times like these .) "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a big silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, and happy aswell, I said, "Well, then please come and get me."
He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman, that I have not stolen your car."...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s5i97/i_lost_my_car_keys_after_the_meeting/
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The problem with getting a BJ from a deaf chick

They can still talk while they do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s5dcq/the_problem_with_getting_a_bj_from_a_deaf_chick/
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The boss plans a business trip

He calls his secretary, tells her they will go on a business trip for a whole week. The secretary calls her husband, she will be off for a business trip next week. The husband calls his mistress, they can spend the next week together in the absence of the wife. The mistress calls a kid she teaches, there are no studies next week. The kid calls his grandpa (who happens to be the boss planning a business trip), he wants to visit him for the next week.
The boss calls his secretary, the trip is canceled as he will receive a special visit. The secretary calls her husband, the trip is canceled. The husband calls his mistress, the wife has canceled her trip. The mistress calls the kid, they will continue their studies next week. The kid call grandpa, he won't come to visit him.
The boss calls his secretary, the trip is on again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s5cue/the_boss_plans_a_business_trip/
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A lady at a tea shop

A lady went to a tea shop and ordered a cup of tea, she has a sip,  and realizes that it was amazing! She asks the owner of the place,  "wow!  Your tea tastes great!  Why is it so good?"
The owner replies "thanks!  It's my specialtea!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s5aig/a_lady_at_a_tea_shop/
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You can never finish a pie!

It's irrational to do so.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s5a1u/you_can_never_finish_a_pie/
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What's the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

There have been sightings of UFOs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s56v1/whats_the_difference_between_a_smart_blonde_and_a/
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A mother called the police on her 6 month old baby for not taking a nap.

He was resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s56iw/a_mother_called_the_police_on_her_6_month_old/
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Three hobos are walking down the train tracks...

And after days of walking and no food in their bellies they find a dead squirrel. Two of the hobos start eating but the third refuses. The first two ask him why and he replies “I’m waiting for a hot meal.”
After eating the squirrel they continue on their way. Along the tracks they find a dead pig. Still hungry the first two start eating the pig and again the third hobo refuses. “I’m waiting for a hot meal.” The first two think him a fool but they eat the pig they continue on their way.
They continue along the tracks until they find a dead cow. Not letting a free meal go to waste the first two start eating the cow, and still the third refuses by saying, “I’m waiting for a hot meal.” The first two try arguing with him “We are three hobos in the middle of nowhere, their ain’t nobody going to give us a hot meal.” Standing firm the third man refuses and the other two eat the cow.
Again they set off down the tracks, but soon the first two hobos start feeling sick and vomit up everything they had eaten. The third hobo says “Finally, a hot meal.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s52vk/three_hobos_are_walking_down_the_train_tracks/
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Everyone in my house has diarrhea

I guess it runs in the family

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s51qy/everyone_in_my_house_has_diarrhea/
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I bumped into an old school friend today

. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s4yie/i_bumped_into_an_old_school_friend_today/
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A Tale As Old As Time

Once there was a tiny village just up the road. And in this village lived an elderly man named Harold. Now were you to visit him he would always complain of the same thing, and since this had bored many an ear off in years past, he was a rather lonely man these days.
*"Look at this small village"* he would say *"All these houses did I build by my own hands, but do they call me Harold Housebuilder? No they do not."*
And he would gesture towards the nearby forest, which, while small, was a very nice forest.
*"Look at all these trees"* He would say; *"All these trees did I plant with my own hands, but do they call me Harold Treeplanter? No they do not."*
*"But once, just once, I fucked a goat..."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s4xx4/a_tale_as_old_as_time/
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A blonde tries to go horseback riding ....

.....
even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.
Unfortunately, the Blonde's foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Walmart's Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s4uzy/a_blonde_tries_to_go_horseback_riding/
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I was worried about the population problem

But then I realized we just shouldn't give a fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s4md5/i_was_worried_about_the_population_problem/
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Everytime I turn my laptop on it says hello to me

Probably because it's a Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s4juv/everytime_i_turn_my_laptop_on_it_says_hello_to_me/
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What do you call a family that runs a gas station?

Pump kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s4ix9/what_do_you_call_a_family_that_runs_a_gas_station/
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"I'm in the bar"

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on the mobile. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said, " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied..
" Well I am in the bar next to that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s4gkf/im_in_the_bar/
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Roses are reddish...

Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s4feh/roses_are_reddish/
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A man decided to rest after taking a drive...

And goes to sleep in his car. Minutes later a cyclist knocks on his window, waking him up and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what the time is?".The man replies, Sorry, I don't know the time." After going back to sleep, he is awoken again by a jogger, who asks, "Sorry, but do you know what the time is?". The man, quite annoyed, says " I don't know what the time is!" After the jogger leaves, them man makes a sign saying "I do not know what the time is!", leaves it in his window and goes back to sleep. Then, again there is a knock on the window and standing there is a Scout. "What is it you want?", asks the man. The boy replies, "The time's 5:43."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s4dcc/a_man_decided_to_rest_after_taking_a_drive/
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What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer...

I give a shit when my computer crashes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s4ch2/whats_the_difference_between_paul_walker_and_my/
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I don't get why people are so obsessed with anti-matter

It doesn't even matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s4c4m/i_dont_get_why_people_are_so_obsessed_with/
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years...

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s497s/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_twenty_years/
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What do I do when my luggage gets tired?

I rest my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s4884/what_do_i_do_when_my_luggage_gets_tired/
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Do you want to play a Russian drinking game?

It's simple. If you see a Malaysian Airlines jet in the sky, take a shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s43ny/do_you_want_to_play_a_russian_drinking_game/
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I went to see a Spanish magician

and he told the crowd that he could make himself disappear on the count of three.
He started counting.
"Uno! Dos!"
And then he was gone. Without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s4202/i_went_to_see_a_spanish_magician/
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And so you came to be.

Two whales are talking. A dad and his boy. The kid asks: Where did I come from? did you make me? - Yes I did! The father said. Wow, that's so cool! Thank You dad! - You're whalecum son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s40ik/and_so_you_came_to_be/
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I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But I can stop anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s3yln/im_addicted_to_drinking_brake_fluid/
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A C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar... (x-post r/piano)

So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s3xtp/a_c_an_eflat_and_a_g_walk_into_a_bar_xpost_rpiano/
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The Designated D

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s3te0/the_designated_d/
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Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

A: One requires tweetment, the other requires oinkment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s3les/q_whats_the_difference_between_bird_flu_and_swine/
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I like my coffee like I like my girlfriend

Not fucking my best friend STACY YOU WHORE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s3la9/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_girlfriend/
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So I was at a restaurant the last week and....

...we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Kurt Salmon Associates to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Credit to u/LXIV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s3gxm/so_i_was_at_a_restaurant_the_last_week_and/
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How are marriage and commiting suicide the same?

You are really good at it if you have only had to do it once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s35we/how_are_marriage_and_commiting_suicide_the_same/
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A woman takes her 6 year old son to the doctor

After the checkup, the doctor tells her that her son is fully healthy, but asks if she has any questions.
"Theres one problem" she said, "Even though his whole body has grown to the average size of a 6 year old, his penis has stayed the size of a baby's! This can't be normal!"
"Ah, I know exactly the cure" said the doctor, "every morning for breakfast give him a big plate of pancakes"
"Of pancakes? Why pancakes?" she asked
"Trust me, pancakes every morning for breakfast will help it grow" he repeated
So, the next morning, the boy comes downstairs to a mound of pancakes on the table. He sits down and pulls the plate towards him, when his mom stops him and says:
"No honey, these two pancakes are for you. That stack is for your father"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s33gc/a_woman_takes_her_6_year_old_son_to_the_doctor/
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A Baby Whale asks his father where he came from...

His father says, "My penis, son."
"Oh, thanks Dad"
"You're Whalecum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s3355/a_baby_whale_asks_his_father_where_he_came_from/
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There are now 3 undefeated cat teams in the NFL!

The Panthers, the Bengals and the Cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s2sjl/there_are_now_3_undefeated_cat_teams_in_the_nfl/
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I think I need to put my dog on antidepressants

I ask him how his day was. His answer is always "Rough"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s2s1q/i_think_i_need_to_put_my_dog_on_antidepressants/
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What do you get when you mix human DNA and goat DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s2s19/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_human_dna_and_goat/
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An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks him why he ordered three shots.
"My life-long friends and I have a tradition. We grew up together but have since gone our separate ways. One is in England and one in the USA, but we each go into a bar on the same day every year and order three shots of whiskey. It's as if we are drinking them together."
He then drinks the shots and leaves the bar. The next couple years, he returns and does the same.
Then, one year the man returns but only orders two shots. He drinks them both.
"I can't help but notice you only ordered two shots," the bartender said. "It appears you must have lost one of your friends. My condolences."
"Oh no," the Irishman said. "Those chaps are doing fine. I just quit drinking, that's all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s2rib/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_three/
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Why did the man from Boston show up late to work with no pants on?

He couldn't find his khakis or his khakis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s2oyo/why_did_the_man_from_boston_show_up_late_to_work/
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Why can nobody understand the drunk racist?

He always slurs his slurs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s2n1f/why_can_nobody_understand_the_drunk_racist/
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I like my coffee like I like my men.

Sweet and delicious and makes me feel awesome at first but then I feel like shit and end up sitting on the toilet regretting my life choices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s2is9/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_men/
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Anal sex is a lot like broccoli

makes you fart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s2chq/anal_sex_is_a_lot_like_broccoli/
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When I was young, losing teeth would earn me money.

Now I'm old, earning money will gain me teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s2byw/when_i_was_young_losing_teeth_would_earn_me_money/
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[NSFW] My dog will give you a bl** job

A man was driving on a desert road and saw a sign "my dog will give you a blow job for $20 - get the secondary road in 10 miles". He was very intrigued by that sign but kept driving. Five miles down, he saw the same sign again, saying to take the secondary road in 5 miles.
Intrigued by that he decided to take the secondary road arriving at a place with a sign "Deposit $20 on the box and ring the bell, my dog will give you a blow job in a minute."
The guy deposited $20 in the box, rang the bell and there comes the owner with a fluffy dog.
The owner says: "come on fluffy, give the man a blow job... c'mon fluffy... tuc tuc tuc... come on fluffy... " and the dog did not move an inch.
The owner again: "c'mon fluffy, give the man a blow job... c'mon fluffy"...
nothing.
The owner then gets down on his knees, grabs the man's dick and says: "damn it fluffy, this is the last time I teach you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s2aq5/nsfw_my_dog_will_give_you_a_bl_job/
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A man is taking his son for a walk...

A man takes his son for a walk in his carriage. As he pushes him along, the baby is screaming and crying.
He says "Calm down, Carl."
The baby continues to cry and make a scene.
"It's going to be okay, Carl," the father murmurs.
After a while, a woman approaches and starts speaking to him.
"You must really care about your son Carl to take him on a walk to calm him down."
"No, I'm Carl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s2a6c/a_man_is_taking_his_son_for_a_walk/
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What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating?

His ears.
Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox"
Good times!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s27kw/what_is_the_most_sensitive_part_of_a_mans_anatomy/
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Simba was moving so slow

until I told him to Mufasa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s24u0/simba_was_moving_so_slow/
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Whats the best part about dating a Black girl?

You don't have to worry about meeting her Father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s1u3c/whats_the_best_part_about_dating_a_black_girl/
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Happy fathers day...

... you motherfucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s1tsp/happy_fathers_day/
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I like my coffee how I like my women

Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s1pgi/i_like_my_coffee_how_i_like_my_women/
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What do you call an attractive person in a wheel chair?

Hot wheels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s1nml/what_do_you_call_an_attractive_person_in_a_wheel/
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I saw a sign that said "watch for children".

Sounds like a fair trade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s1lw2/i_saw_a_sign_that_said_watch_for_children/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves.....

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s1kz8/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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Syllable Word

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s1gyv/syllable_word/
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What do you call four Mexicans at the bottom of the ocean?

Quatro Sinko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s1e86/what_do_you_call_four_mexicans_at_the_bottom_of/
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Just imagine Great Britain without tea...

Grea Briain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s19ku/just_imagine_great_britain_without_tea/
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Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s16qn/where_do_you_see_yourself_in_5_years/
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Why doesn't the Grinch like knock knock jokes?

Because there's always Whos there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s11ph/why_doesnt_the_grinch_like_knock_knock_jokes/
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What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?

They can smell it but they cant eat it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0yqx/what_do_a_gynocologist_and_a_pizza_boy_have_in/
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I was going to buy a drawbridge

But apparently they're let downs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0y6u/i_was_going_to_buy_a_drawbridge/
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There are two hunters

Suddenly one of them collapses. He appears not to be breathing and his eyes glaze over. The other hunter panics and 911. The hunter says "I think my friend is dead! What do I do?" The operator says "Calm down. First, make sure he's dead." A gunshot is heard on the other line. The hunter says, "Okay now what.?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0rh6/there_are_two_hunters/
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It was a rainy day in Brisbane..

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.
About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce.. there's the fucker that got in the car while we were pushing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0r3e/it_was_a_rainy_day_in_brisbane/
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I just forked over $5,000 for a reincarnation seminar

I figured what the hell you only live once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0qu3/i_just_forked_over_5000_for_a_reincarnation/
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I have beautiful children

Thank god my wife is having affairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0q2z/i_have_beautiful_children/
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I'm a girl

When i get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0otw/im_a_girl/
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You Get What You Pay For

A woman went out to her yard one morning and found her dog just laying there, not moving at all. She thought it might be dead, but since it was a basset hound and never moved much anyway, she wanted to be sure... after all, she didn't want to bury it and then find out it wasn't dead. So she took it to the vet.
The vet agreed to take a look. He shook the dog gently. He checked for a doggy pulse, but couldn't find one. He held a mirror up to the dog's nose but it stayed clear. He said, "Well, the dog does look dead, but I'd like to run one more test."
He goes into the other room and brings back an animal carrier. He opens the door and a cat comes out, walks around the dog two or three times, and finally lifts it's head and tail and goes back into the carrier.
Vet says, "Well, ma'am, I'm sorry to say but your dog is dead."
"Well, that's what I came here to find out," she says, "How much do I owe you?"
"That'll be $520."
"What?" she screams, "$520 to tell me my dog's dead?? Why so much?"
"Well," said the vet, "it's $20 for the office visit, and $500 for the cat scan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0ogk/you_get_what_you_pay_for/
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Randy the Rooster

A farmer has 200 chickens and no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem"
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it, so, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money, and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ he gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, when the farmer wakes up the next day he finds Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer makes his way out to Randy, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, he shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0of5/randy_the_rooster/
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Some say I'm condescending

It means I talk down to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0kv4/some_say_im_condescending/
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A radio wave walks into a bar and asks for a pint.

The barman says, "here you go, but why the long phase?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0kg6/a_radio_wave_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_pint/
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I knew a person who was against warrior princesses

He was a Xenaphobe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0i6q/i_knew_a_person_who_was_against_warrior_princesses/
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I'm planning to open a Norwegian/Middle Eastern fast-food restaurant.

It's called The Valhallah Snakbar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0heo/im_planning_to_open_a_norwegianmiddle_eastern/
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I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

He said he couldn't complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0gpb/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_there/
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I'm always hard at work.

But Human Resources keeps telling me that it's extremely inappropriate to have erections at the office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0bby/im_always_hard_at_work/
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Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber?

He had locomotives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0b4w/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_bomber/
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I'm great at signalling for help on a sinking ship..

Just got a flare for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0b1o/im_great_at_signalling_for_help_on_a_sinking_ship/
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Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA

you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s0a02/talking_with_your_girlfriend_is_just_like/
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Three men were going through Holy Orders to become priests...

They had passed all the tests up to this point and we're ready for the final test. They stood before the bishop and he told them that the final test would prove their devotion to God. They were instructed to take all their clothes off and tie little bells around their dicks.
The bishop told the first man to stand and prepare for the test. Then, a beautiful stripper came in and began to grind on the first man. Sure enough, the bell jingled
*Ting-a-Ling*
The bishop said, "I'm sorry, Patrick, but you are not devoted to God, go hit the showers." Then the second man came in and the stripper entered. Once again, the bells jingled
*Ting-a-Ling*
The bishop told the second man, "David, I'm afraid that you are not devoted to God. Go hit the showers."
Finally, the third man enters and stands ready for the test. The stripper comes in but she cannot arouse this man for her life! The bishop congratulates the third man for he must be truly devoted to God. "Congratulations on becoming a priest, young man, go hit the showers with Patrick and David."
*Ting-a-Ling*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s09mx/three_men_were_going_through_holy_orders_to/
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Women are the root of all evil

[Math agrees](http://i52.tinypic.com/2hh2all.jpg)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s07fg/women_are_the_root_of_all_evil/
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My girlfriend must think I'm rich and dying

She keeps telling me to leave her a loan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s066k/my_girlfriend_must_think_im_rich_and_dying/
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My wife told me she thinks men in camouflage look sexy...

I just can't see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s01ak/my_wife_told_me_she_thinks_men_in_camouflage_look/
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A man from Moscow decides to move to a new collective farm in Siberia.

His family is excited at the possibility of leaving their cramped flat in the city for a nice country house, but they have heard mixed things about the new Siberian farms so the man agrees to go on his own first, and write back to let them know if they should follow him or not.
They know the government censors will read the letter, so they agree in advance to use a simple code: anything written in blue ink is true, but anything in red ink actually means the opposite of what it says.
A few weeks later, the family receives a letter from the man. It reads, all in blue ink:
"Siberia is amazing! The winter isn't as bad as people say, I was given a huge three story dacha with a private garden all to myself, the work hours are short, the stores are practically overflowing with fresh food, luxury goods, even the latest movies and music from the West. But the only thing you can't get here is red ink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s006r/a_man_from_moscow_decides_to_move_to_a_new/
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A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rzxwz/a_doctor_and_a_lawyer/
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Principal is so stupid

Boy: our principal is so stupid.
Girl: don't you know who i am?
Boy: no.
Girl: i'm the principal's daughter.
Boy: do you know who i am?
Girl: no.
Boy: good (walks away)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rzxv8/principal_is_so_stupid/
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Anal sex is a lot like broccoli

If you're forced to have it as a child, you're probably not going to enjoy it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rzwjb/anal_sex_is_a_lot_like_broccoli/
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What do you get when you turn 4 blondes upside down?

4 brunettes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rzuch/what_do_you_get_when_you_turn_4_blondes_upside/
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Two women meet over a coffee.

"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"
"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."
"Majestic."
"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"
"Majestic!"
"Once we marry, he insists that I retire to our moderately sized European house, free to pursue my leisure activities."
"Definitely majestic!"
"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Annette. What are you up to lately?"
"I signed for an etiquette class. We've already learned to say 'majestic' instead of 'fucking horseshit'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rzu6s/two_women_meet_over_a_coffee/
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I like my coffee like I like my women

Purchased cheaply after having been raised in exploitative conditions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rzstm/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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So I went to my first gym today

Brock was pretty hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rzsl3/so_i_went_to_my_first_gym_today/
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I finally got a housekeeper.

it's my ex-wife. She kept the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rzq33/i_finally_got_a_housekeeper/
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How do you know when the Moon is going broke?

When it's down to it's last quarter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rzoe4/how_do_you_know_when_the_moon_is_going_broke/
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How can you recognise a blind man among a crowd of nudists?

It's not hard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rzmg4/how_can_you_recognise_a_blind_man_among_a_crowd/
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Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rzc5c/ever_since_my_girlfriend_got_pregnant_a_lot_has/
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What do you call a flat-breasted french woman?

Petits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rz0u0/what_do_you_call_a_flatbreasted_french_woman/
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What did the monkey say when he got his tail caught in the lawn mower?

It won't be long now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryzmi/what_did_the_monkey_say_when_he_got_his_tail/
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If you ever need help learning C++, I can give you some pointers.

And you can keep me as a reference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryvbj/if_you_ever_need_help_learning_c_i_can_give_you/
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I spent the night in jail for refusing to take a nap.

They said that I was resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryu76/i_spent_the_night_in_jail_for_refusing_to_take_a/
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Did you hear about the midget that got kicked out of the nudist colony?

He was getting into everybody's hair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rytb1/did_you_hear_about_the_midget_that_got_kicked_out/
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I froze myself to -273.1 degrees Celcius...

My friends were worried, but I'll be 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryrb7/i_froze_myself_to_2731_degrees_celcius/
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Some people may be brave enough to try to get into the milk business.

Me? I wouldn't dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryr7d/some_people_may_be_brave_enough_to_try_to_get/
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What's a mass in your body that is really helpful?

A cyst!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryr53/whats_a_mass_in_your_body_that_is_really_helpful/
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A Doctor and a Lawyer

A startup doctor opens a clinic and puts up a sign saying he can cure anything for $20, and if he can't the patient will be refunded $100.  A Lawyer sees this and thinks its a great way to make some money.  He goes in and says "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try again.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
annoyed lawyer: "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the money): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryqi5/a_doctor_and_a_lawyer/
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My girlfriend and I watched the Star Wars movies back to back last night;

I'm so glad I was the one facing the TV.
(Huehuehue ... but seriously, she would just be on her damn phone haha)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryoxd/my_girlfriend_and_i_watched_the_star_wars_movies/
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TIL that Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.

He's never gonna give you Up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryow0/til_that_rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any/
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What's the difference between a circus and a strip club?

A circus is full of cunning stunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryn8n/whats_the_difference_between_a_circus_and_a_strip/
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What's the difference between a Mac user and a PC user

Mac users command, PC users control

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rykac/whats_the_difference_between_a_mac_user_and_a_pc/
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An Australian man walked in on his girlfriend getting changed and she said "Have you heard of knocking?"

He said "It doesn't ring a bell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryj83/an_australian_man_walked_in_on_his_girlfriend/
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You are in a room with nothing but a table and a mirror. How do you get out?

You look in the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and saw the table in half. Two half's make a whole, go through the hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryhan/you_are_in_a_room_with_nothing_but_a_table_and_a/
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Three minorities walk into a bar

And we all know what they're like

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryevc/three_minorities_walk_into_a_bar/
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Food is like dark humor

not everyone gets it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rydzr/food_is_like_dark_humor/
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A penis lives a hard life

His neighbor's nuts, he lives accross from an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, everyone calls him a dick, and his owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryc38/a_penis_lives_a_hard_life/
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I decided to make a new logo for /r/jokes

♻️ you like it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ry7x2/i_decided_to_make_a_new_logo_for_rjokes/
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What does Matt Damon call thrift shopping?

Goodwill Hunting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ry102/what_does_matt_damon_call_thrift_shopping/
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What do get when you mix two breads?

A hy-bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rxvmk/what_do_get_when_you_mix_two_breads/
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The only cow in a small Russian village stopped giving milk..

..so the villagers went to Minsk and bought a new one. The cow produced lots of milk, and the people were so happy, they decided to buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. But the cow wanted nothing to do with the bull, constantly moving away every time Ferdinand approached. So the people asked their wise rabbi what to do.
After some reflection, the rabbi asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"You are truly wise," said the townspeople. "How did you know?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "Because my wife is from Minsk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rxvjv/the_only_cow_in_a_small_russian_village_stopped/
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A Jewish boy asks his father for $50...

The dad replies "40 dollars!?! What do you need 30 dollars for?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rxrgq/a_jewish_boy_asks_his_father_for_50/
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I went on a scavenger hunt the other day.

I shot a vulture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rxqp0/i_went_on_a_scavenger_hunt_the_other_day/
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An old joke told in the Soviet Union wheelbarrow factories...

Every other Friday a guard at the wheelbarrow factory saw a worker coming out of the factory pushing a wheelbarrow packed with hay.
The guard searched inside the hay, found nothing and let the guy go. This ritual repeated over several years until a time when the guard was about to retire from the wheelbarrow factory.
When the guy pushing the wheelbarrow appeared at the gate he told him: “I know you are stealing something from the wheelbarrow factory. I am just about to retire and this is my last day here. I will not tell anybody, but, please, let me know what are you stealing from the wheelbarrow factory!” The guy smiled and answered, “Oh, I am stealing the wheelbarrows.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rxqic/an_old_joke_told_in_the_soviet_union_wheelbarrow/
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I only date black girls

because I hate meeting fathers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rxmv5/i_only_date_black_girls/
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My grandfather was treated very badly by the Germans in WW2.

Passed over for promotion time and time again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rxgo3/my_grandfather_was_treated_very_badly_by_the/
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What's the hardest part of rollerblading?

Telling your parents that you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rxgjv/whats_the_hardest_part_of_rollerblading/
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I saw a guy hiding behind a gravestone.

I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rxbgn/i_was_walking_in_a_cemetery_this_morning_and_i/
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The Old Man and his wife

A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rx9d3/the_old_man_and_his_wife/
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A wasp expert was walking past a old records store in the mall....

when out of the corner of his eye he saw a beautiful looking record with a giant wasp design on it's sleeve. Upon closer inspection he learns that it is actually a collection of all the known species of wasps and the sounds their wings make when they fly. The wasp expert, who was very curious, went ahead and bought the record along with a cheap portable record player and immediately started listening to it when he got home. As he listened to the record however he noticed something peculiar, none of the flight sounds were wasps! The wasp expert immediately takes the record back to the store from where he had gotten it and asks for an explanation. The store keeper simply says,"relax, you were on the "B"side of the record."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rx86a/a_wasp_expert_was_walking_past_a_old_records/
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I like my women like I like my coffee...

Hot and all over my lap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rx55h/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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What do you call a dog with no legs

It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rx511/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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What do you call a display of Australian patriotism?

Stockholm Syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwzkw/what_do_you_call_a_display_of_australian/
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I still carry a picture of my wife in my wallet

Been married 20 years, but I still carry my
wife's picture in my wallet.
Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take
out my wallet and stare at her picture.
And it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived being married to this psycho,
I can survive anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwzd9/i_still_carry_a_picture_of_my_wife_in_my_wallet/
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My ex-wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN' BETTER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwtkj/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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My mom laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a clown.

Guess who's laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwqo9/my_mom_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_be_a/
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What do you get when you push a piano down a mining shaft?

A flat minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwnbr/what_do_you_get_when_you_push_a_piano_down_a/
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What's a Pedophile's favorite brand of shoe?

White Vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwn2v/whats_a_pedophiles_favorite_brand_of_shoe/
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A physicist sees a man about to jump off from the top of Sears Tower...

He yells to him "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwlyl/a_physicist_sees_a_man_about_to_jump_off_from_the/
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What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwld9/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
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Why does Bruce Willis live in America and watch porn?

Because he wants to live free and die hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwk22/why_does_bruce_willis_live_in_america_and_watch/
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What do you call a nun that is lost?

A Roamin' Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwisa/what_do_you_call_a_nun_that_is_lost/
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A note to reddit admins

🎵

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwimp/a_note_to_reddit_admins/
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Why did the young boat dock before it was ready?

Pier Pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwd27/why_did_the_young_boat_dock_before_it_was_ready/
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If I had a dollar for every time I said a racist comment, I would have 0 dollars

Because some black guy would have robbed me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwc9z/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_said_a_racist/
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Sleeping with prostitutes is like

making your dog dance with you on it's hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwawc/sleeping_with_prostitutes_is_like/
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Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear zippers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwavn/why_do_scottish_men_wear_kilts/
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I avoid checking my bank account.

I just don't need that negativity in my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rwaaj/i_avoid_checking_my_bank_account/
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Types of cows

What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rw6xt/types_of_cows/
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/r/Jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award!

for 95% recycled content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rw67t/rjokes_wins_friend_of_the_planet_award/
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When I was a kid I could go to a corner store with a $1 and get 2 cokes, 1 kitkat and a gum

Nowadays there are CCTV cameras everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rw52j/when_i_was_a_kid_i_could_go_to_a_corner_store/
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Open letter to the mods of /r/jokes

C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rw2du/open_letter_to_the_mods_of_rjokes/
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.
Am I doing this right?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rw23x/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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2 men are at a bar ontop of the empire state building

* Man 1 looks to Man 2 and says;
* "You see that window over there?  It's magical; if you jump out of it you can fly!"
* Man 2 says, somewhat tipsy, "Noooo you can't, you have to show me for me to believe you."
* Man 1 says "Ok"  and goes to the other side of the room, takes a running start, and jumps right out of the window.  He then proceeds to fly once around the building and back in.
* Man 2 says "Now I'm a little drunk so I'm not sure if I saw that, do it again"
* Man 1 does it again, but takes his time flying so Man 2 can see it.
* Man 2 says:  "OH!!! I WANNA DO IT"
* So Man 2 goes to the other side of the room, takes a running start, jumps and....plummets to his death.
* Man 1 looks out of the window, sees the dead Man 2 and chuckles.  He then goes back to the bar, slams his fist down and yells "GET ME ANOTHER BEER, BARTENDER!"
* Bartender looks at Man 1 and says: "You know you're a real ass when you're drunk, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rw1m2/2_men_are_at_a_bar_ontop_of_the_empire_state/
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For our 25th anniversary, I took my wife to Hawaii...

...and for our 26th I plan to go back and get her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rw1a4/for_our_25th_anniversary_i_took_my_wife_to_hawaii/
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I swallowed a piece of string yesterday when it came out my other end it was tied in a bow

I shit you not!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rvyl5/i_swallowed_a_piece_of_string_yesterday_when_it/
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Why shouldn't you protest wound treatment?

It won't get better if you picket it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rvw37/why_shouldnt_you_protest_wound_treatment/
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I asked a guy at the gym how to use a piece of equipment.

"Just push the button," he replied, "Like you would with any other hand dryer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rvv5h/i_asked_a_guy_at_the_gym_how_to_use_a_piece_of/
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What do you call a self harming bovine?

A moo-tilator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rvv2g/what_do_you_call_a_self_harming_bovine/
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Did anyone hear about the Grizzly who was sick of giving birth to naked cubs?

She could barely bear to bear bare bare bears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rvr7n/did_anyone_hear_about_the_grizzly_who_was_sick_of/
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I don't like referencing

not et al.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rvghy/i_dont_like_referencing/
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I suck at sports events

It's a good way to make a quick buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rvele/i_suck_at_sports_events/
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I was at the public swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The lifeguard must have noticed - he blew his whistle so fucking loud, I nearly fell in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rvc35/i_was_at_the_public_swimming_pool_today_and/
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I was feeling under the weather...

so i got on a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rvb96/i_was_feeling_under_the_weather/
%
I used to be addicted to soap...

but now I'm clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rvaxx/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
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What is Justin Timberlake's favourite Ukrainian river?

The Crimea River.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rv902/what_is_justin_timberlakes_favourite_ukrainian/
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Paratrooper initiation

After a fresh batch of paratroopers complete their first jump, some veterans take them out for a few rounds.
They're swapping stories and an old timer says: "Man, I remember the first time I jumped. Made the mistake of being the last one in line. Finally it's my turn, and I look down and freeze. The drill instructor leans in right behind me says, 'son, either you jump right now or I'm going to fuck you in the ass."
The veteran looks off wistfully and takes a pull off his beer.
A first-timer says, "Well, did you jump?"
"A little at first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rv8lc/paratrooper_initiation/
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I told my husband he really should stop masturbating.

"Why?", he asked
"Because you're making this dinner party REALLY uncomfortable for our guests."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rv3qx/i_told_my_husband_he_really_should_stop/
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You should not vaccinate your children.

Get a health care professional to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rv295/you_should_not_vaccinate_your_children/
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Which animal has a dick on its back?

Police horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ruz39/which_animal_has_a_dick_on_its_back/
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A man was masturbating in an airplane

He was arrested for highjacking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ruuai/a_man_was_masturbating_in_an_airplane/
%
A man hires a painter to paint a mural on his wall...

He wants the mural to be about Custer's Last Stand and instructs the painter he'd like to have it done within the week. A couple days pass and the painter shows the man his final painting, who is shocked at what he sees. A giant cow with a halo on his head, surrounded by a bunch of Native Americans participating in sexual acts graced his old wall.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" screams the man.
"I was trying to figure out what Custer would've been thinking." replies the painter.
"And exactly what did you think he was thinking?"
"Holy cow look at all these fucking Indians!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rurmd/a_man_hires_a_painter_to_paint_a_mural_on_his_wall/
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How would you like it if you didn't see me?

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3runp1/how_would_you_like_it_if_you_didnt_see_me/
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Where is Donald Trump gonna put all of the illegal immigrants once he arrests them?

Juantanamo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rukvg/where_is_donald_trump_gonna_put_all_of_the/
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whats the most uncomfortable thing about a prostate exam?

When you ask the doctor where to put your pants and his reply is right next to mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rujue/whats_the_most_uncomfortable_thing_about_a/
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Chinese sick leave

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ruhxp/chinese_sick_leave/
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A six-year-old and a four-year-old are about to go downstairs for breakfast.

The six-year-old says to the four-year-old, "All right, we're gonna start cussing today. I'm gonna use hell in a sentence, and you're gonna use ass." The four-year-old agrees, and they go downstairs.
The children's mom asks the boys what they would like for breakfast. "Aw, hell, I think I'll have some Cheerios," says the six-year-old. The mother whacks the kid back up the stairs.
"And what would YOU like, young man?" asks the mother.
"You bet your sweet ass I don't want any Cheerios."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rufw8/a_sixyearold_and_a_fouryearold_are_about_to_go/
%
As a white guy, it really bothers that only black people can use the word "nigger".

Thats OUR word!
I'm not racist. I just wrote a racist joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ruf91/as_a_white_guy_it_really_bothers_that_only_black/
%
An 81-year-old man goes to see his doctor.:

An 81-year-old man goes to see his doctor. The doctor says,
“I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer and you have
Alzheimer’s.” The old man brightens up and replies, “At least
it’s not cancer!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ruda3/an_81yearold_man_goes_to_see_his_doctor/
%
My wife says I don't listen to her.

I think that's what she said, anyhow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rubyy/my_wife_says_i_dont_listen_to_her/
%
First female Astronaut on the Moon.

Female: "Houston, we have a problem.
H:" What?"
Female:"Never mind"
H: What's the problem?
Female: "Nothing"
H:Please tell us?
Female:"You know what the problem is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rubjy/first_female_astronaut_on_the_moon/
%
The 45 Difference

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rub25/the_45_difference/
%
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

You can't peanut butter your dick up her ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ru9oy/whats_the_difference_between_peanut_butter_and_jam/
%
What do you call a beautiful woman having sex with a comedian?

Pretty fucking funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ru6ru/what_do_you_call_a_beautiful_woman_having_sex/
%
What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ru4oz/whats_the_difference_between_a_piano_a_tuna_and/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer

do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
They reply:
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ru3rk/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
What do you call 20 lesbians in a tree?

A Country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ru1do/what_do_you_call_20_lesbians_in_a_tree/
%
What do you call a male cow masturbating?

Beef Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtzwf/what_do_you_call_a_male_cow_masturbating/
%
Two brothers are lost in the woods...

They are both tired and hungry. One was Peter, who was hard working and obedient. The other was John, who is lazy and foolish. It was nightfall, and they were about to sleep when they heard a booming voice.
*"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB A ROCK."*
Earnest Peter did not hesitate and went off to search for a large rock. John, on the other hand, was too lazy and instead grabbed a small pebble. After they both had rocks, the voice appeared again.
*"THE SIZE OF THE ROCK IN YOUR HAND SHALL BE THE SIZE OF THE BREAD YOU WILL HAVE."*
All of a sudden, the rocks in their hand magically turned into warm, freshly baked bread. Excitedly, Peter began to eat his bread while John cursed at the voice. After they were done eating, the loud voice came back again.
*"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB A SMALL ROCK."*
Earnest Peter did not hesitate and grabbed a small pebble. John, however, decided that he wouldn't be tricked again and hauled a big, heavy boulder. After they had their rocks, the voice appeared.
*"THE LENGTH OF THE DISTANCE YOU WILL THROW YOUR ROCK SHALL BE THE LENGTH OF THE LIFE YOU WILL GET."*
Peter threw his rock 30 yards ahead and gained 30 more years in his life. He praised the voice, while John was not able to throw the boulder, and did not gain any year in his life. He was getting frustrated with the voice. All of a sudden, the voice appeared for the third time.
*"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB TWO ROCKS."*
Earnest peter did not hesitate and grabbed two rocks of equal size. John, however, decided that he would outsmart the voice and grabbed a tiny rock and the boulder he had before. He laughed and said, "How do you like me now?" Again, the voice appeared.
*"THE SIZE OF THE ROCKS YOU HAVE SHALL BE THE SIZE OF YOUR BALLS."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtzto/two_brothers_are_lost_in_the_woods/
%
Rabbi, priest, and a sheik find a bag of $ on the ground while on a walk together

They all agree money needs to go to god but how much?
The priest draws a circle on the ground and declares anything that falls into the circle goes to god the rest outside the circle they split and keep.
The sheik disagrees, he believes it should be reverse, in the circle means they keep it outside means they give it to God.
The rabbi then grabs the bag and throws it in the air as he says, "whatever god wants he keeps, whatever lands is ours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtx6d/rabbi_priest_and_a_sheik_find_a_bag_of_on_the/
%
my girlfriend texted me saying she was going to go out shopping for an hour

sent at: 2001-11-06 3:35 PM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rttnj/my_girlfriend_texted_me_saying_she_was_going_to/
%
A couple wanted to have sex one Sunday afternoon...

They figured the only way they could pull a quickie off with their 10y/o son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to loudly report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan in operation.  "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," the boy said.  "An ambulance just drove by."  A few moments passed.  "Looks the the Andersons have company," he called out.  "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are fucking."
The couple shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too, " his son replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtsuc/a_couple_wanted_to_have_sex_one_sunday_afternoon/
%
What do you feed an invisible cat?

Evaporated Milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtqw4/what_do_you_feed_an_invisible_cat/
%
What did the one melon say to the other melon?

We're too young to marry. We cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtq4t/what_did_the_one_melon_say_to_the_other_melon/
%
If I had $100 for every girl I've fucked...

It still wouldn't bring their fathers back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtpcp/if_i_had_100_for_every_girl_ive_fucked/
%
I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today.

To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtk7n/i_work_at_a_pharmaceutical_research_lab_and_we/
%
Priest does a crossword puzzle

A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle.
Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?"
The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"
The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtjsc/priest_does_a_crossword_puzzle/
%
"Change" of attitude...

A woman encounters an old school mate.
- Hey! Long time no see!
- Ehh... How are you?
- Great! Working a lot to survive; the world is really hard these days...
- Seems wonderful
- Yeah, it is. And also finally got married with John
- Ummm Seems wonderful
- Yeah, he is. We have three kids and they are the best kids ever.
- Wow, seems wonderful.
- I hope you don't mind, but i'm really impressed.
- Yeah? Why?
- You've changed your manners a lot! I remember that you normally used to curse a lot, and you did not care about anything anyone else was doing. You've changed a lot.
- Well, i went to a psychologist and we talked about the way i was, and he finally gave me a golden advice.
- Yeah? What was it?
- Well, he told me that i should replace in my vocabulary the phrase "I don't give a fuck" with "seems wonderful".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtjlb/change_of_attitude/
%
An elderly couple are in church...

The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rthkv/an_elderly_couple_are_in_church/
%
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtfv8/what_has_a_whole_bunch_of_little_balls_and_screws/
%
What's a ghost's favorite sexual act?

Booooooooooooookake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtf7n/whats_a_ghosts_favorite_sexual_act/
%
A Blind Man Travels to Texas.......

A blind man headed to Texas for his vacation. Upon arriving at the hotel, he felt a large breeze in the lobby. He said," Wow!" and heard his voice echo. He then said," Wow, this lobby is so big!" A passing bellhop replied," Everything is bigger in Texas." After checking in, another bellhop helped him to his room. The blind man sat down on his bed, felt how big it was, and said," Wow, this bed is so big!" The bellhop told him," Everything is bigger in Texas." After he set all of his belongings down, he went downstairs to the bar and ordered a beer. When he touched the huge mug, he said," Wow, this mug is so big!" And of course, the bartender told him," Everything is bigger in Texas." After drinking the huge beer, he needed to go to the bathroom. He asked the bartender," Where is the bathroom?" The bartender told him," Second door on the right." So the blind man headed down the hall. Accidentally miscounting the doors, he went into the third door down, where the indoor swimming pool was. Blindly stumbling into the pool, he waded to the top, screaming at the top of his lungs," DON'T FLUSH, DON'T FLUSH!!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtebm/a_blind_man_travels_to_texas/
%
One day Dave and his twin brother

enlisting in the Army & were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both
of them possessed incredibly long, over sized penises. "How do you
account for this?" he asked them.
"It's hereditary, sir," Dave replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "So, your father's the
reason for your overly elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother." Dave replied.
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know that, sir," replied Dave, "but she only had one arm, and
when it came to getting us in and out of the bathtub as infants, she had to manage as  best as she could sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtdw9/one_day_dave_and_his_twin_brother/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through something so small?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtc6j/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
%
Made a hiking playlist earlier called trail mix

It has a lot of eminem in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtbti/made_a_hiking_playlist_earlier_called_trail_mix/
%
Why can't leopards hide?

Because they are always spotted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtbbd/why_cant_leopards_hide/
%
When I was 20 I took a vow of celibacy...

My wife however called them "wedding vows"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rtb0h/when_i_was_20_i_took_a_vow_of_celibacy/
%
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rt9vr/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rt8j2/what_do_a_christmas_tree_and_a_priest_have_in/
%
China, Russia, and Poland venture to space.

China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest.
Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest.
Poland says they'll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they'll melt. They reply, "We'll go at night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rt6r7/china_russia_and_poland_venture_to_space/
%
I was at a U2 concert the other night...

After one of the song's ended, there was complete silence in the arena.
*clap*
*clap*
*clap*
Bono was standing above everyone clapping every few seconds. After about a minute of this he went up to the mic and said, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa will die of starvation."
So some guy in the middle of the crowd yells, "Then stop clapping your hands, asshole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rt3bc/i_was_at_a_u2_concert_the_other_night/
%
What's gay and has no balls?

A lesbian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rt0vu/whats_gay_and_has_no_balls/
%
What's Forrest Gump's password?

1Forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rt05o/whats_forrest_gumps_password/
%
If I had a dollar for every time I stepped on the cat when I arrived home...

I could afford to wipe my shoes on a proper door mat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rszrt/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_stepped_on_the/
%
When she texts "I Love You"...

but Auto-correct changes it to "who is this"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rsyfd/when_she_texts_i_love_you/
%
Choose heaven or hell

A man dies and goes to heaven where he meets St. Pete. St. Pete welcomes him and says that there is a new regulation now where a soul gets to choose if they want to go to heaven or hell. The soul must spend three days in hell and three days in heaven and after that he chooses where to go.
The man elects to get hell over with first and like that he *poof* vanishes and is transported to hell. He is greeted by lightly dressed, beautiful women, rivers of gold, alcohol, lust beyond all his dreams, a paradise of pleasure. Nothing at all like he was explained on earth. Everyday a new woman. Everyday the most succulent foods. Everyday just more and more bliss.
Alas, though, his third day was up and like a flash *poof* he arrived in heaven. He was given wings and a harp. There was no river of gold, lust, women to fuck, the food was relatively bland. All and all, it was just meh.
His third day past, St. Pete appeared before him and asked where he wanted to spend eternity. The man says, "St. Pete... I never thought I'd ever mutter these words, but I want to go to hell!" St. Pete asked him if he was sure and as giddy as a school boy he gives a definitive yes.
And just like that *poof* he arrives in hell. This time, though, he is shackled to a wall, on fire, and being disemboweled. It's never ending! In torturous pain constantly with no relief! It began to dawn on him that this would be his eternity.
Later that day he sees Satan strolling by. Between his screams of agony and pain, the man yells, "HEY SATAN!! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WOMEN, THE FOOD, THE LUST, THE HEAVEN THAT WAS HERE WHEN I VISITED!!!"
Satan replies, "oh. You see when you visited I was campaigning. Today you voted!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rsx4c/choose_heaven_or_hell/
%
God said unto John...

"John if you come fourth you shall receive eternal life!"
But John came fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rsrok/god_said_unto_john/
%
I was showing my doctor the rash on my dick today.

He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it. He just said make an appointment at his office tomorrow and then walked off with his family and carried on shopping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rsrmu/i_was_showing_my_doctor_the_rash_on_my_dick_today/
%
"Hey man, the hot girl from class winked at me today!"

"Really, bro?"
"Yeah, with both eyes too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rsrib/hey_man_the_hot_girl_from_class_winked_at_me_today/
%
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rslp6/i_havent_talked_to_my_wife_in_three_weeks/
%
When Snoop Dogg fries bacon, he listens closely...

... fo' sizzle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rsji7/when_snoop_dogg_fries_bacon_he_listens_closely/
%
After just starting uni, I have decided I don't like referencing.

I don't like it et al.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rsjae/after_just_starting_uni_i_have_decided_i_dont/
%
How do you find a white guy on reddit?

Ask for a minorities opinion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rshll/how_do_you_find_a_white_guy_on_reddit/
%
A Well-Planned Life?

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
She answered:
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rsapp/a_wellplanned_life/
%
My girlfriend is a pornstar...

She's going to be pissed when she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rs3j9/my_girlfriend_is_a_pornstar/
%
Why do Native Americans hate snow?

It's white and it's all over their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rrzue/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
%
Best lines when dealing with telemarketers

Some of the better ones
* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us
Anyone have more?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rryzu/best_lines_when_dealing_with_telemarketers/
%
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.

I also don't want to be cremated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rrxbb/when_i_die_i_want_my_remains_to_be_scattered/
%
Cow jokes

What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A milkshake
What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? lean beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rrvl2/cow_jokes/
%
I was raised as an only child.

Which really pissed my brothers off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rrvke/i_was_raised_as_an_only_child/
%
Well... Well... Well...

Welcome to stutterers anonymous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rrulz/well_well_well/
%
Where do Siths do their shopping?

At the Darth Mall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rrqa8/where_do_siths_do_their_shopping/
%
Pythagoras Was a Native American

On the banks of a river sat three Indian women, sitting on three different animal skins. On a deer skin was a woman with her son, and the son weighed 140 pounds. On a buffalo skin was another woman, and her son who weighed 160 pounds. And on a hippopotamus skin sat an immense Indian woman, who weighed 300 pounds herself.
A Native American mathematician saw this and noted that the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rrp41/pythagoras_was_a_native_american/
%
When your body is a solid 10

But your intro and conclusion need work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rrp3q/when_your_body_is_a_solid_10/
%
What's the difference between minesweeper and my ex-wife?

I've never beaten minesweeper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rrnlr/whats_the_difference_between_minesweeper_and_my/
%
Where do you send Jewish kids with ADHD?

Concentration Camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rrk2c/where_do_you_send_jewish_kids_with_adhd/
%
I'm in a very serious relationship

we never laugh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rrju2/im_in_a_very_serious_relationship/
%
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One's heavy and the other is a little lighter...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rrj6l/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
What's the speed limit for sex?

Sixty-eight. At 69 you have to turn around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rr7xz/whats_the_speed_limit_for_sex/
%
"Who's that over there talking to himself?" I asked the barman in the pub.

"That's Bill," He replied. "He comes in every dinner time and sits and has a drink with his imaginary wife."
"Is he a loony?" I asked.
"What makes you say that?" He laughed.
"Why else would you have an imaginary wife?" I replied, "an imaginary girlfriend would be far less hassle, and you'd still get regular sex."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rr5a2/whos_that_over_there_talking_to_himself_i_asked/
%
How did harry potter get down the hill?

Walking,
Jk rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rr0cz/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rqx4e/my_mom_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_was_going_to/
%
I tried anal for the first time last night when I was blacked out..

I never knew I had it in me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rqkrr/i_tried_anal_for_the_first_time_last_night_when_i/
%
What did she say while cleaning herself after sex?

Well, that's a load off my shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rqk5m/what_did_she_say_while_cleaning_herself_after_sex/
%
What is white on top and black on the bottom?

Society

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rqhwa/what_is_white_on_top_and_black_on_the_bottom/
%
How are puppet shows and politics similar?

They are both a bunch of silly characters yapping at each other with someone else's hands up their asses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rqde5/how_are_puppet_shows_and_politics_similar/
%
So the family wife comes home after a long day of work...

...and the husband is already there. The wife walks in the door and is slightly surprised/ irritated to find her husband (who she’s been considering divorcing,) standing in the doorway right in front of her, hands on hips, BEAMING with pride.
Wife: “Why are you so happy?”
Husband: “I lost 10 pounds in the last hour.”
Wife: (sarcastic:) “Yeah, right, and I’m in no mood for this.”
Husband: (persistent:) “No, really. I lost 10 pounds in the last hour!”
Wife: (again, not having this:) “Seriously. I’m not in the mood, and we both know it didn’t happen, so stop.”
Husband: (still going strong:) “I’m telling you. I. Lost. 10. Pounds. In the last hour.”
At this point the wife is completely done, and as she is about to just let it go, the husband starts again…
Husband: “No, really. I can’t find the baby.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rqbau/so_the_family_wife_comes_home_after_a_long_day_of/
%
A dog went to a telegram office

, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rq8ti/a_dog_went_to_a_telegram_office/
%
Where do Canadians play Basketball?

In the NB - "eh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rpyln/where_do_canadians_play_basketball/
%
Did you hear about that car that runs on seafood?

I heard it's very efishient

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rpxga/did_you_hear_about_that_car_that_runs_on_seafood/
%
What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's 13.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rpx2r/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_priest/
%
A couple Limericks...

There once was a man from Ireland
With balls made of fine brass
In stormy weather
They clanked together
And sparks shot out of his ass
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who was jerking off in a gutter
The tropical heat
Affected his meat
So instead of cream he got butter
There once was a man from Montclair
Who was screwing his wife on a stair
The banister broke
So he quickened his stroke
And finished her off in the air
There once was a woman named Jill
Who inserted dynamite for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rpvzb/a_couple_limericks/
%
A man arrives at a costume party wearing nothing but a pair of pants...

A person at the party comes up to him and says:
"What are you supposed to be?"
"I'm premature ejaculation." He says.
"What?" The person asks.
"I'm premature ejaculation." He says again.
"But what did you dress up as?" The person asks.
He replies: "Oh, nothing, I just came in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rpul1/a_man_arrives_at_a_costume_party_wearing_nothing/
%
Last night a girl told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt...

So I fucked her twice and punched her in the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rpue0/last_night_a_girl_told_me_to_give_her_12_inches/
%
Did you know sugar is the only word that begins with an 's' that makes a 'sh' sound?

I'm sure of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rpt9p/did_you_know_sugar_is_the_only_word_that_begins/
%
Bob and Jim in Paris

Two Americans, Bob and Jim, are on vacation in Paris.  They're walking down the street, when a car pulls up, slamming on the brakes.  The driver leans out.
"Parlez vous Francais?"
Bob looks at Jim and shrugs.
"Habla Español?"
The two men just stare.
"Parli Italiano?"
No answer.  The man throws his hands up and then drives away.
They walk on a bit farther, and then Bob says to Jim, "You know, we should learn another language."
"Why?" Jim asks.  "That guy knew three languages and it didn't do him any good!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rpr4r/bob_and_jim_in_paris/
%
There is a farmers convention in Michigan...

One guy's walking around in a big stetson hat, cowboy boots, giant belt buckle, all the markings of a Texan.  He walks up to one of the Michigan farmers and asks, "how many acres you got?"
The farmer, rather proud of his large land, replies "I got about 1200 acres."
"Ha," the Texan replies, "I tell you what, I get up at dawn and set out in my truck at daybreak and head straight west.  By the time the sun goes down I still haven't reached the end of my property."
"Yea," says the Michigan farmer, "I used to have a truck like that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rpfwa/there_is_a_farmers_convention_in_michigan/
%
What did one snow man say to the other?

Smells like carrots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rpbhy/what_did_one_snow_man_say_to_the_other/
%
I found out I was colorblind last week...

...came right out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rpa4h/i_found_out_i_was_colorblind_last_week/
%
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A Ba-BOOM

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rp58k/what_do_you_call_a_monkey_in_a_mine_field/
%
Three people having sex is called a threesome...

Two people having sex is called a twosome. Now I know why everyone calls me handsome.
(My brothers Facebook status today...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rp4av/three_people_having_sex_is_called_a_threesome/
%
I saw a chameleon today...

Guess it was a shitty chameleon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rp3pp/i_saw_a_chameleon_today/
%
A guy goes to his doctor.

The doctor says to him, "You need to stop masturbating". The patient says "What? Why?". The doctor replies "So I can examine you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rp2d6/a_guy_goes_to_his_doctor/
%
My housemates may get angry at me for stealing all their cooking utensils..

..but quite frankly that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rp1tw/my_housemates_may_get_angry_at_me_for_stealing/
%
"Get in," I ordered the prostitute....

"Hey," she smiled.
I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."
"Selling my body for money?" she asked.
I said, "No, sitting in a car with a murderer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rot4z/get_in_i_ordered_the_prostitute/
%
My girlfriend told me she loves my brain

I told her "Hey, my eyes are down here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ros7z/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_loves_my_brain/
%
A pious man, who had reached the age

of 105, suddenly stopped going to
church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of
faithful attendance, the Priest went to see him. He found him in
excellent health, so the Priest asked, "How come after all these years
we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Father," he whispered.
"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I
got to be 95 I was still here, and then turned 100 and I was still here Then I turned 105 and I am still here on planet. So, I figure that God is very very busy
and must have forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3roroe/a_pious_man_who_had_reached_the_age/
%
Today a guest asked if we sold leggings for dogs (I'm not even kidding, this was a real request)

I guess he owns a basic bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ronwi/today_a_guest_asked_if_we_sold_leggings_for_dogs/
%
A woman goes to her shoemaker...

...and when the shoemaker is sizing her feet, he notices she has no panties on. He says, "Lady I'd like to eat that full of ice cream!"
Disgusted, she leaves and tells her husband to beat him up. Her husband says, "I won't beat him up for three reasons: we can't afford new shoes for you, you should have been wearing panties, and anyone who can eat that much ice cream is too big for me to fuck with!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3roi71/a_woman_goes_to_her_shoemaker/
%
I like my women like I like my programming languages.

Visual and basic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rog9l/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_programming/
%
A blind man walks into a bar

, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3roai5/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

In a BMW, the prick is on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3roab0/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
%
Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

You know he's guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ro9qg/why_is_the_white_guy_the_scariest_guy_in_prison/
%
Have you heard of the hard-working blind prostitute?

You really gotta hand it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ro7y1/have_you_heard_of_the_hardworking_blind_prostitute/
%
Cigarettes in the rain

Two old ladies were sitting out in front of a nursing home smoking, when all of the sudden it began to rain.  One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut the tip off and slid it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
*Lady 2*:  "What in the world is that?"
*Lady 1*:  "A condom."
*Lady 2*:  "Where can I get one??"
*Lady 1*:  "At the pharmacy!"
So the other old lady walks to the drug store, straight to the pharmacist.
*Lady*:  "I'd like to buy some condoms please!"
*Pharmacist*:  "There are many kinds, do you need anything in particular?"
*Lady*:  "I don't care, as long as they'll fit on a Camel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ro6j5/cigarettes_in_the_rain/
%
My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100..

..apparently 69 was not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ro4bs/my_girlfriend_just_asked_how_mature_i_was_on_a/
%
Why can't an orphan play baseball?

Because he can't run home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ro0hz/why_cant_an_orphan_play_baseball/
%
I too was once a male trapped in a female body...

But then my mother gave birth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rnt1h/i_too_was_once_a_male_trapped_in_a_female_body/
%
I'm so sick of this debate. Of COURSE, the chicken came first!

Are you saying I don't know how to properly fuck a chicken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rnniy/im_so_sick_of_this_debate_of_course_the_chicken/
%
What's the difference between a tornado and a redneck divorce?

Nothing. Either way they're losing the trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rnkti/whats_the_difference_between_a_tornado_and_a/
%
A psychic goes into a clothing store

A psychic walks into a clothing store looking for a new shirt.
Employee: "How about this shirt?"
Psychic: "That shirt is too small."
Employee: "You didn't even try it on"
Psychic: "Because I am a medium"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rnjus/a_psychic_goes_into_a_clothing_store/
%
How to get rid of a tapeworm

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town. After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ''Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?'' asked the man. ''Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie,'' said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cross the man's face, the doctor said, ''Trust me. I'm the doctor.''
So, the next day the man brings in the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie. ''Drop your pants, and bend over,'' says the doctor. ''What?'' says the man. ''Trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor. So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ''Whoa! Hold on a minute, Jack!'' screams the man. ''Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor.
About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. ''Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie,'' says the doctor. As the infuriated man starts to protest the doctor says, ''Trust me. I'm the doctor.'' So, the man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie. ''Drop your pants and bend over,'' says the doctor. ''This again?'' yells the man. ''Trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor.
So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ''Oh! I can't believe I'm doing this!'' says the man. ''Hold still now and trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor. About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. ''Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with another hard boiled egg and another lemon cookie,'' says the doctor. As the man starts to shake his head the doctor says, ''Trust me. I'm the doctor.'' So, this goes on all week until one day, after the man pulls up his pants, the doctor says, ''Now come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a hammer.'' As the man turns pale the doctor says, ''Trust me. I'm the doctor.''
The man gets no sleep that night worried to death about what the hammer is going to feel like when it gets shoved up in him. He almost stays home, but he still feels sick. So far the treatments haven't helped and he's afraid he'll have to start over if he goes to a new doctor. The man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the hammer. ''Drop your pants and bend over,'' says the doctor. ''But, why do we need a hammer?'' asks the man nervously. ''Trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor.
The man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ''Please!'' says the man, terrified of what is to come next. ''Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor. About a minute later, the man is about to pass out from terror and he is involuntarily clenching his rear as tight as he can. Then nothing happens. Several more minutes pass and he starts to relax. The man is about to straighten up and ask the doctor what happened when the tapeworm sticks its head out his rear and yells, ''Where's my lemon cookie?!'' And WHAM! Down comes the hammer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rnj9c/how_to_get_rid_of_a_tapeworm/
%
I never really liked gravity...

... It's always bringing me down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rnh83/i_never_really_liked_gravity/
%
Success is like a clitoris.

I can't seem to find it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rnbyx/success_is_like_a_clitoris/
%
Why does Oedipus hate to swear?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rnbjm/why_does_oedipus_hate_to_swear/
%
Did you hear about the Eskimo girl that was in a gangbang?

I heard that she was not really Inuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rn8z0/did_you_hear_about_the_eskimo_girl_that_was_in_a/
%
Going to McDonald's is like going to the strip club...

At first you're pumped and excited on the idea then you leave feeling dirty and ashamed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rn7z3/going_to_mcdonalds_is_like_going_to_the_strip_club/
%
Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's very time consuming.
Courtesy of /u/Carter127

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rn5rt/have_you_ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
%
Did you hear about the girl that went fishing with seven guys?

She came back with a Red Snapper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rn5en/did_you_hear_about_the_girl_that_went_fishing/
%
A Guy Is In A Waiting Room When..

A guy is in a waiting room and has to fart, so he waits for the music to get loud and farts to the beat so no one hears him. He looks up for a moment and everyone is staring at him. He takes out his headphones and says "what??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rn3r0/a_guy_is_in_a_waiting_room_when/
%
NSFW The National Anthem and a blowjob

While at lunch, Joe tells Phil that he hooked up with someone the previous night. Joe mentions that the woman he hooked up with (let's call her Ann) gave him some of the best head he's ever had. Curious about this amazing blowjob, Phil asks Joe what made it so special. Joe then says that Ann sang the National Anthem while simultaneously sucking him off.
Phil, who is completely shocked by this discovery, asks for Joe's approval to try to hook up with Ann. Joe gives his approval.
So the next day, Phil asks Ann out and she says how she's hoped that Phil would ask her out for some time now. That night, after their date, Phil and Ann go back to his place and head straight to the bedroom (I feel that I should mention that Ann is a bit easy, if you know what I mean).
Anyways, they start making out and then Ann starts to go down on Phil. She asks Phil to turn the light off to set the mood. He of course reaches over and flips the lights off. Ann then starts sucking his dick and Phil is loving it. Shortly after, Ann begins to sing the National Anthem with such a beautiful voice. Phil is practically in tears by the amazing blowjob and the beauty of her voice. Phil slowly reaches for the light switch because he really wants to know how she's doing both things simultaneously. He finally reaches the light switch.
Once the lights are turned on, Ann immediately stops and runs out of the room. Phil sits up and looks down at the floor and sees a glass eye...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rn2p7/nsfw_the_national_anthem_and_a_blowjob/
%
The NSA

A government organization that actually listens to you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rn1u0/the_nsa/
%
What's the worst thing about being a gynecologist?

You can't eat on the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rn0ra/whats_the_worst_thing_about_being_a_gynecologist/
%
An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen.

Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rmxsz/an_apple_store_got_robbed_last_night_and_250000/
%
What's the difference between a voyeur and a thief?

A thief snatches your watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rmtus/whats_the_difference_between_a_voyeur_and_a_thief/
%
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes

. The judge said, "Sir, you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, your honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rmtmf/a_pick_pocket_was_up_in_court_for_a_series_of/
%
My friend David had his ID stolen

So now I just call him Dav.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rmq9y/my_friend_david_had_his_id_stolen/
%
I got my priest to stop hitting on me.

I introduced him to my little brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rmo3u/i_got_my_priest_to_stop_hitting_on_me/
%
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rml7k/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
%
I showed up to my girlfriend's house.

She said, "Why, don't you look nice!?"
I said, "Thanks."
"It wasn't a compliment." she added.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rmhz7/i_showed_up_to_my_girlfriends_house/
%
Ever wonder why you always get a boner when you look in the mirror?

That's because your dick thinks you're a cunt too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rmf9n/ever_wonder_why_you_always_get_a_boner_when_you/
%
Advice for guys

When a girl says you that you're going to far, she actually means you are coming to close.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rmedp/advice_for_guys/
%
My ex wife still misses me...

But her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rmd4t/my_ex_wife_still_misses_me/
%
Managed to sell a toaster with Norton Antivirus today

Told the customer it would guard against popups

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rman7/managed_to_sell_a_toaster_with_norton_antivirus/
%
Why was the ocean salty?

Because the land didn't wave back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rm6gx/why_was_the_ocean_salty/
%
Whats the difference between Pink Floyd and Princess Diana?

Nothing, their last big hit was the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rm2c6/whats_the_difference_between_pink_floyd_and/
%
Isn't giving fellatio...

...Just a taste of what's to come?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rlykg/isnt_giving_fellatio/
%
And that's how the fight started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery
plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rlxxo/and_thats_how_the_fight_started/
%
Donkeys kill more people annually than airplanes do.

So watch your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rlwow/donkeys_kill_more_people_annually_than_airplanes/
%
I think I want to clean mirrors for a living

It's just a job I can see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rlux0/i_think_i_want_to_clean_mirrors_for_a_living/
%
What's blue and doesn't fit?

An epileptic at the bottom of a pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rlr71/whats_blue_and_doesnt_fit/
%
How did the newspaper go about reviewing the opera production?

They followed Standard Opera-rating Procedure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rlo9h/how_did_the_newspaper_go_about_reviewing_the/
%
Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in November?

Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rlnw4/mommy_why_am_i_getting_christmas_presents_in/
%
I walked into a room full of men masturbating

They all looked shocked when I didn't stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rlj3w/i_walked_into_a_room_full_of_men_masturbating/
%
What do you call a group of singing killer whales?

An orca-stra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rlf8z/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_singing_killer_whales/
%
A girl and a boy are at recess one day...

Boy : I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb the flagpole
Girl : Ok! (climbs the flagpole)
(Later that day)
Girl : Mommy, mom! A boy payed me money to climb a flagpole!
Mother : (chuckles) He just wants to see your underwear.
-NEXT DAY-
Boy : I'll pay you TWENTY bucks to climb the flagpole.
Girl : Alright! (climbs the flagpole)
-Later that day-
Girl : Mom, the same boy payed me twenty bucks to climb the flagpole; but I tricked him this time, and I wasn't wearing underwear.
Mom : .........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rlat8/a_girl_and_a_boy_are_at_recess_one_day/
%
Last night of Lovin

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live. His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget."
They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it again?" This time it's even more passionate.
Later, as she is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, I know it's getting late, but I think we can do it one more time."
"That's easy for you to say," she complains. "You don't have to get up in the morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rlaha/last_night_of_lovin/
%
Fred

A man gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.
The cop asks him, "what is your name?"
The man replies "Fred."
The cop asks "What's your last name."
"I don't have one."
The cop is unsure of how this is, so he asks "Why don't you have a last name?"
The man begins his story. "I began life as Fred Johnson, and went all through primary school and high school as Fred Johnson. I decided to become a medical doctor after I graduated, so I became 'Fred Johnson, M.D.'
After a few years of being a doctor I got bored with it, so I decided to get another degree as a dentist. So I became 'Fred Johnson, M.D., D.D.S.'
After a few years of doing dentistry, I got bored with that, so I decided to fool around with my dental assistant in the closet for a while. Turns out I got VD (Venereal Disease) from those experiences. So I became 'Fred Johnson, M.D., D.D.S., with VD.'
The company that is in charge of dental licenses found out about my VD, so I was stripped from my dentistry title. So I became 'Fred Johnson, M.D., with VD.'
The company that issues medical licenses found out about the dentistry incident, so they stripped me from my medical title. So I was 'Fred Johnson, with VD.'
Then VD took my Johnson, so now I'm just Fred."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rl8fi/fred/
%
I asked Jesus what he did before he died

He said "Not much. I was just getting hammered and hanging out all day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rl7jg/i_asked_jesus_what_he_did_before_he_died/
%
Today, I lost my mood ring.

I don't know how I feel about that...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rl17n/today_i_lost_my_mood_ring/
%
What do you call 2 medics?

paramedics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rkzpd/what_do_you_call_2_medics/
%
I just got hired as a garbage truck driver.

There was no training, but I think I'll pick it up as i go along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rkv4d/i_just_got_hired_as_a_garbage_truck_driver/
%
An guy goes for a job as a builder...

Foreman: "Ok, two things get you this job. Can you make a cup of tea?"
fella: "Yep."
Forman: "Can you drive a forklift?"
Fella: "BLOODY HELL! How big is the teapot?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rksvs/an_guy_goes_for_a_job_as_a_builder/
%
My girlfriend told me to kiss her where it stinks...

So I drove her to New Jersey..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rkr41/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_kiss_her_where_it_stinks/
%
What is Vladimir Putin's favourite Justin Timberlake song?

Crimea river

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rkqhc/what_is_vladimir_putins_favourite_justin/
%
An old man dies.

His wife takes him to the funeral home, and the director tells her "Do you have any special request?"
The wife says "Well, yes. As you can see he is wearing a black suit. He loved blue. Please, not matter the cost, get him a blue suit."
"No problem", the funeral director says.
The day after, the wife walks in and sees the husband in a perfect, tailor made blue suit.
"That's perfect!" she says. "How much do I owe you?"
"Oh, nothing", the director responds.
"Why nothing? It surely must have cost something!"
"See, yesterday another woman whose husband had died came in. He was the same size and same height as your husband, and was wearing a blue suit. She wanted a black suit on her husband.
So, I did the logical thing, and swapped the heads".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rkod3/an_old_man_dies/
%
I tried phone sex today

I ended up with hearing aids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rkjl3/i_tried_phone_sex_today/
%
I once asked my friend why he only had a step ladder.

He told me "I don't know, I never knew my real ladder."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rke70/i_once_asked_my_friend_why_he_only_had_a_step/
%
I feel really bad for people suffering from prolonged erections.

They must have it so hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rkbrc/i_feel_really_bad_for_people_suffering_from/
%
Why is North Korea horrible?

Because they have no Seoul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rk8ou/why_is_north_korea_horrible/
%
Some guy just stole my wallet.

He's now the poorest man in town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rk57u/some_guy_just_stole_my_wallet/
%
What's Blue and not heavy?

Light Blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rk511/whats_blue_and_not_heavy/
%
What does a Korean need when they're taking their dog out?

Oven gloves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rk33q/what_does_a_korean_need_when_theyre_taking_their/
%
Today I was reversing my car off the drive...

... and I thought "Ahh, this takes me back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rk2tc/today_i_was_reversing_my_car_off_the_drive/
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I've become quite independent since my wife left...

I just put my second load of washing through the microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rk187/ive_become_quite_independent_since_my_wife_left/
%
I don't know why Chic-Fil-A is so popular...

Their food always leaves a fowl taste in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rjzrh/i_dont_know_why_chicfila_is_so_popular/
%
What's a wavelength's favorite animal?

A lamb, duh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rjyal/whats_a_wavelengths_favorite_animal/
%
Never trust anybody who has graph paper.

They're always plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rjxue/never_trust_anybody_who_has_graph_paper/
%
Can you cover for me/

I missed my shift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rjx87/can_you_cover_for_me/
%
What does Joaquin Phoenix say when a car almost hits him?

''Hey! I'm Joaquin here!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rjwh1/what_does_joaquin_phoenix_say_when_a_car_almost/
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Doctor Visit

"You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing  the young Woman's surgery.  But, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"
The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down  his cheek from the corner of his eye.
The girl was alarmed.  "What's the matter Doctor?  I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.  It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rjvzv/doctor_visit/
%
I know a telegraph operator who was so bad he always had to send his messages again.

He had a lot of remorse about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rjs13/i_know_a_telegraph_operator_who_was_so_bad_he/
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A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel...

...to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rjrlr/a_jewish_businessman_in_america_decided_to_send/
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Why is it so difficult to make a hooker smile?

They're all crabby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rjix2/why_is_it_so_difficult_to_make_a_hooker_smile/
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Wanna Hear A Construction Joke?

I can't tell you it because I'm still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rjf86/wanna_hear_a_construction_joke/
%
When they start with the punchline.

How do you know if your friend is a bad comedian?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rjbsx/when_they_start_with_the_punchline/
%
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing

But you mean your mother.......I mean another

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rj9d6/a_freudian_slip_is_when_you_say_one_thing/
%
What is the difference between 9/11 and landscaping?

Landscaping is an outside job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rj5p3/what_is_the_difference_between_911_and_landscaping/
%
Why do engineers work out a lot?

They're obsessed with rigid bodies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rj4to/why_do_engineers_work_out_a_lot/
%
What do you call saplings in the army?

the infantry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rj4ro/what_do_you_call_saplings_in_the_army/
%
Why'd the baker resort to prostitution?

Because they knead the dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rj037/whyd_the_baker_resort_to_prostitution/
%
I was gonna take my wife out last night.....

But the gun jammed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3riud1/i_was_gonna_take_my_wife_out_last_night/
%
"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3riuaz/hello_hi_honey_this_is_daddy_is_mommy_near_the/
%
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim."

That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ritcq/instead_of_the_john_i_call_my_toilet_the_jim/
%
The sadomasochist was arrested and put in front of a judge

he got off with a slap on the wrist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3risyb/the_sadomasochist_was_arrested_and_put_in_front/
%
There's a steering wheel in my pants

It's driving me nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3risu1/theres_a_steering_wheel_in_my_pants/
%
Ever been half way through eating a horse and start to think.....

I wasnt as hungry as I thought

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rik5p/ever_been_half_way_through_eating_a_horse_and/
%
Have you ever smelt moth balls before?

Isn't it hard to pull their little legs apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rigdb/have_you_ever_smelt_moth_balls_before/
%
I recently opened up a nuclear powered restaurant.

It's called fission chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3riegs/i_recently_opened_up_a_nuclear_powered_restaurant/
%
Someone told me I was obsessed with the song "Wonderwall".

I said "Maybe".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ricq3/someone_told_me_i_was_obsessed_with_the_song/
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How do you feel about sex?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ria4p/how_do_you_feel_about_sex/
%
What is the volume of a pizza of thickness A and radius Z?

PI Z Z A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ri888/what_is_the_volume_of_a_pizza_of_thickness_a_and/
%
I'm having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek league.

Good players are hard to find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ri0pv/im_having_trouble_organizing_a_hide_and_seek/
%
Why was the snow yellow?

Elsa let it go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rhzuf/why_was_the_snow_yellow/
%
An Apple store I was at today just got robbed.

I guess that makes me an iWitness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rhzu8/an_apple_store_i_was_at_today_just_got_robbed/
%
Why are TVs attracted to people?

Because people turn them on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rhysm/why_are_tvs_attracted_to_people/
%
A limerick for Guildford in Surrey

At McDonald’s in Guildford in Surrey
I spilt coffee on my crotch in a scurry
I had to act quick
To cool down my dick
So I stuck it into my McFlurry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rhvao/a_limerick_for_guildford_in_surrey/
%
What's the best way to find out if you have ticklish balls?

Test Tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rhv72/whats_the_best_way_to_find_out_if_you_have/
%
Why did Billy not care who he offended while posting on the internet?

Because the ends justify the memes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rhup1/why_did_billy_not_care_who_he_offended_while/
%
Teacher and Students

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rhqaz/teacher_and_students/
%
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

I lost my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rhi7f/i_tried_to_sue_the_airport_for_misplacing_my/
%
Hills have eyes...

They also have "L"s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rhfb4/hills_have_eyes/
%
An Italian man with spells of amnesia goes into a boutique coffee shop...

The barista asked what he wants, and he replies "Affogato".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rhczc/an_italian_man_with_spells_of_amnesia_goes_into_a/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rh9lq/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
A study has shown that women are better than men at driving in fog..

Well of course they are. They're not looking where they're going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rh7s9/a_study_has_shown_that_women_are_better_than_men/
%
The Irish brothel

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
The second Irishman says "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rh64h/the_irish_brothel/
%
What do you call a man of high authority, stoned out of his mind strolling along in the forest?

Hiking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rh3kv/what_do_you_call_a_man_of_high_authority_stoned/
%
I thought it was polite to open doors for women..

But she just screamed and flew out the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rgyad/i_thought_it_was_polite_to_open_doors_for_women/
%
I had sex with my teacher yesterday...

God damn it feels good to be homeschooled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rgugs/i_had_sex_with_my_teacher_yesterday/
%
Why did the run on sentence think that it was pregnant?

Because its period was late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rgtar/why_did_the_run_on_sentence_think_that_it_was/
%
My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.
And that was just the tip of the iceburg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rgecp/my_wife_has_developed_a_fetish_with_salad_items/
%
Judge threw out a lawsuit against Starbucks

said the Plaintiff had no grounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rgdeu/judge_threw_out_a_lawsuit_against_starbucks/
%
Private Investigator

"Mr. Johnson, I've been doing some digging, and your wife has been having sex with another man for about two weeks."
"What?! My wife died three weeks ago."
"Yeah. I SAID I've been doing some digging."
-----
Credit to MrProsserDreamsOfWar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rg9rc/private_investigator/
%
A guy gets his bike stolen from synagogue...

He goes to see his rabbi one day and says,
"Rabbi you won't believe what happened to me! Last week someone stole my bicycle from synagogue!"
The rabbi is deeply upset by this, but after thinking for a moment he offers a solution:
"Next week come to services, sit in the fron row, and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behind you. Aand when we get to 'Thou shalt not steal,' see who can't look you in the eyes and that's your guy."
The rabbi is very pleased with his suggestion, and so is the man. At the next service, the rabbi is very curious to learn whether his advice panned out. He waits for the man by the doors of the synagogue, and asks him,
"So, did it work?"
"Like a charm," the man answers. "The moment we got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike!"
Complements of the book, "The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty" by Dan Ariely

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rg9f0/a_guy_gets_his_bike_stolen_from_synagogue/
%
"How much would you say you read the Bible?"

"Well, I don't read it religiously."
Bud-dum tss, I hate myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rg75k/how_much_would_you_say_you_read_the_bible/
%
Today I woke up an optimist...

He thanked me for waking him up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rg448/today_i_woke_up_an_optimist/
%
How many nails are there in a lesbian's coffin?

None. It is all tongue and groove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rfw7u/how_many_nails_are_there_in_a_lesbians_coffin/
%
How is a woman like a condom?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rfnkf/how_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
%
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time-consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rf9g0/have_you_ever_tried_to_eat_a_clock/
%
Hey baby, have you got a time machine?

Cuz' I could go back in time to approach you with a better pickup line than this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rf56j/hey_baby_have_you_got_a_time_machine/
%
My dick is like a chinese finger trap.

The more you struggle, the harder it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rf41m/my_dick_is_like_a_chinese_finger_trap/
%
Why can't you feel photons?

Because they are light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rf2n4/why_cant_you_feel_photons/
%
A warning to all truck drivers and bird lovers

Researchers for the Swansea Authority found over 200 dead crows near M4 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely *not* Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
An Ornithological Behaviourist was sought to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rf0ue/a_warning_to_all_truck_drivers_and_bird_lovers/
%
Two terrorists were having a discussion at a bar...

The bartender asks them what the discussion was about.
Terrorist: "We are planning to massacre 50,000 people and a donkey."
Bartender: "Why a donkey?"
Then one terrorist says to the other:
"See, I told you nobody would care about the 50,000 people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rf0k2/two_terrorists_were_having_a_discussion_at_a_bar/
%
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A $100 bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3reyfi/whats_6_inches_long_2_inches_wide_and_drives_your/
%
When I was little I prayed to God for ridiculous amounts of money when I'm older

I think I should have chosen my words more carefully

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3revn2/when_i_was_little_i_prayed_to_god_for_ridiculous/
%
What's the difference between a Zippo and a hippo?

One's a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3revez/whats_the_difference_between_a_zippo_and_a_hippo/
%
TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3repfd/til_calaways_law_states_that_the_best_way_to_get/
%
Broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today.

I had to drop the bomb twice before she got a hint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3renkt/broke_up_with_my_japanese_girlfriend_today/
%
Little Billy.

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air.
Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rej5z/little_billy/
%
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.

Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rehvl/give_a_man_a_fish_and_feed_him_for_a_day/
%
What's the aim of a Jewish football match?

Getting the quarterback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3re9un/whats_the_aim_of_a_jewish_football_match/
%
How do you get Holy water?

You boil the Hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rdzgi/how_do_you_get_holy_water/
%
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rdyfl/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
%
My blonde girlfriend broke up with me today.

She was upset at me getting a text from Amber Alert

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rdt1r/my_blonde_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_today/
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An Old Farmer Catches A Group Of Women Skinny Dipping In His Pond

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him: "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators!"
Some old men can still think fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rdslo/an_old_farmer_catches_a_group_of_women_skinny/
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Why is a marriage like a hurricane?

They both start off sucking and blowing, but you end up losing your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rdqte/why_is_a_marriage_like_a_hurricane/
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When does it Rain Money?

When there's a change in the weather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rdk21/when_does_it_rain_money/
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Two Pretzels walk into a bar...

One was a salted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rdi0v/two_pretzels_walk_into_a_bar/
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I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics.

He told me I used the wrong stereo type.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rdgeo/i_asked_a_black_man_on_the_street_if_he_could/
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What does a cow do after a break up?

Mooves on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rdfyq/what_does_a_cow_do_after_a_break_up/
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A study shows 95% of black men enjoy sex in the shower

the other 5% haven't been to prison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rdfnw/a_study_shows_95_of_black_men_enjoy_sex_in_the/
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A screwdriver walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rde9p/a_screwdriver_walks_into_a_bar/
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Dark humor is like food...

...not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rdc4f/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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A Burglar Breaks Into A Home With A Parrot

A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, he hears: "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." So he asked the parrot his name, and the parrot replied, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull, Jesus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rd6q1/a_burglar_breaks_into_a_home_with_a_parrot/
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My new girlfriend says a small penis doesn't bother her...

... but I wish she wouldn't have one at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rd6jj/my_new_girlfriend_says_a_small_penis_doesnt/
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How did the Roman feel when he cannibalized his nagging wife?

Glad-he-ater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rd2vf/how_did_the_roman_feel_when_he_cannibalized_his/
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I love telling dad jokes

He laughs every time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rd2ic/i_love_telling_dad_jokes/
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Man in a pasture face down

A man lays face down in the pasture with a backpack on his back and flies buzzing around him.
Question: Whats in his backpack?
Answer: Parachute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rd0hw/man_in_a_pasture_face_down/
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China has revised its on child per family rule. It will now allow parents to have two children.

Chinese parents were so excited, they let their kids have the day off work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rd0dh/china_has_revised_its_on_child_per_family_rule_it/
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What did the Buffalo Say to his Son as he left for school?

Bison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rcxu1/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_as_he_left/
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what do you call a gay dinosaur?

megasoreass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rcvid/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
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A bra and a pair of jumper cables walk into a bar...

As soon as they walk in, the bartender tells them to get out immediately.
"Why?" Says the bra.
"Because you're off your tits, and your friend looks like he's about to start something."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rcnk3/a_bra_and_a_pair_of_jumper_cables_walk_into_a_bar/
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Day off

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rcn7x/day_off/
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Why is it really hard to convince Egyptians?

Because they all live in de-nile...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rckif/why_is_it_really_hard_to_convince_egyptians/
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My girlfriend is a pornstar

She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rck8d/my_girlfriend_is_a_pornstar/
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Parking...

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
.
.
.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rcem2/parking/
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Broke up with my girlfriend today

It's cool though, she said we can still be cousins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rcdms/broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_today/
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So Joseph Stalin is giving a speech

, and all of a sudden, someone sneezes, interrupting his speech.
Stalin gets mad and asks, "Who sneezed?".
Stalin asks once again, "Who sneezed?"
When nobody comes forward, Stalin says "Very well. First row, stand up!". The first row in the crowd stands up, and a firing squad shoots them all.
"Who sneezed?", Stalin asks again, but nobody comes forward.
"Alright, second row, stand up!". The second row stands up and they are shot by the firing squad.
"Who sneezed?", Stalin asks, and eventually an elderly old man in the crowd gets up and says "I can't take it anymore! It was me, alright? I sneezed!".
"Come to me now!", Stalin says to the man who sneezed.
The man goes up to Stalin, and Stalin looks at him for a few moments before saying "Bless you, comrade!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rc6e5/so_joseph_stalin_is_giving_a_speech/
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What do you call a wanker on a plane?

a Highjacker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rc0ma/what_do_you_call_a_wanker_on_a_plane/
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A tourist visiting Ireland notices two Irish laborers:

One laborer digs one-meter holes in a neat row while the other laborer immediately fills in the holes afterwards. They do this for a good portion of the morning but confuse the tourist who is watching them from the pub across the street.
The tourist walks over and kindly asks, "Why are you digging all these holes if he's just going to fill them right in?"
The Irishman says while digging, "Seamus the tree planter is off sick today".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rbzsz/a_tourist_visiting_ireland_notices_two_irish/
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Do you have a private part?

A woman hears someone knock at the door. She opens to see and a man asks, “Do you have a private part??” She slams the door in disgust. The next day she hears a knock, opens up and it’s the same man. He asks the same question the woman slams the door again.
Her husband gets home she tells him what happened for the last two days. The husband says to her, “Honey I’m taking tomorrow off to be home just in case he shows up again.”
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and the husband says, “I’m going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to see where he is going with this.” The man asks the same question, “Do you have a private part?” “Yes!” replies the woman. The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s own alone and start using yours?”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rbygp/do_you_have_a_private_part/
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Dad said I wasn't allowed to go out wearing this skirt because it's "too revealing"...

Fuck you, dad, I'm a grown man and I'll do what I want!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rbxtk/dad_said_i_wasnt_allowed_to_go_out_wearing_this/
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How do you make your wife scream after sex?

Wipe your dick on the curtain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rbql7/how_do_you_make_your_wife_scream_after_sex/
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My favorite joke is about RMS Titanic.

It's a one-liner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rbove/my_favorite_joke_is_about_rms_titanic/
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Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?

They're afraid of change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rbnim/why_wont_americans_switch_to_a_dollar_coin/
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What do you call a sea Captain's hilarious fictional book about bellybuttons?

*A novel naval navel novel.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rbk72/what_do_you_call_a_sea_captains_hilarious/
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A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."

A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rbi2z/a_farmer_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_horse_he_says_i/
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Oh no! Playstation and Xbox online services are down!

Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rbhtr/oh_no_playstation_and_xbox_online_services_are/
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What's Jared Fogle's favorite weather?

El nino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rb417/whats_jared_fogles_favorite_weather/
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A young boy enters a barber shop....

...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rb3fn/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
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What did the vulture say when the airline agent asked if he wanted to check his luggage?

No, thanks, it's just carrion...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rb0fa/what_did_the_vulture_say_when_the_airline_agent/
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A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a rectal thermometer tucked behind her ear...

As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "damnit! Some asshole's got my pencil!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rawjk/a_nurse_is_making_her_rounds_through_the_halls_of/
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Where does the midget pizza chef with epilepsy work?

Little seizures

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rautv/where_does_the_midget_pizza_chef_with_epilepsy/
%
Learn to solve your problems like a constipated mathematician...

Just work it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rasio/learn_to_solve_your_problems_like_a_constipated/
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Where do sick boats go?

The Dock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rasif/where_do_sick_boats_go/
%
I went by the house I grew up in and went to the door and asked if I could take a look around. They said "no" and slammed the door in my face

Parents can be real jerks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rarwe/i_went_by_the_house_i_grew_up_in_and_went_to_the/
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Did you guys hear about the kidnapping today?

It's okay though, he woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rapvh/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_kidnapping_today/
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Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"

Mom: *staring at dad
Dad: *clenches fists
Mom: "don't..."
Dad: *sweats profusely
Mom: ........
Dad: "HI GAY. I'M DAD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ram4m/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
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Why was Hitler doomed to fail?

because jew wrongs don't make a riech

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ram1q/why_was_hitler_doomed_to_fail/
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What shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean?

A nervous wreck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rajx7/what_shakes_and_sits_at_the_bottom_of_the_ocean/
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Why didn't Abraham Lincoln go to jail?

Because he was in-a-cent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rajjq/why_didnt_abraham_lincoln_go_to_jail/
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I would tell an economics joke...

..but there's not enough demand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3raj64/i_would_tell_an_economics_joke/
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My flatmates said I wasted my money buying a kilo of pasta..

..but I say it was worth every penne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rahul/my_flatmates_said_i_wasted_my_money_buying_a_kilo/
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A friend asked me to rate the movie "Django"

I gave it a 3/5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rah52/a_friend_asked_me_to_rate_the_movie_django/
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My science teacher said he was going to show me his transistor.

Imagine my surprise when a woman with a penis showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rah2r/my_science_teacher_said_he_was_going_to_show_me/
%
What's the difference between a cactus and a BMW?

With a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3raeqz/whats_the_difference_between_a_cactus_and_a_bmw/
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What's the difference between OPs mom and OP

At least she's getting laid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rae93/whats_the_difference_between_ops_mom_and_op/
%
Did you know that if you pull the pin off of grenade and hold it up to your ear

You can actually hear the world getting smarter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rae2e/did_you_know_that_if_you_pull_the_pin_off_of/
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Obama bans hiring bias against ex-cons seeking federal jobs

He was quoted as says, "well, we politicians need somewhere to work after leaving office".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ra9h2/obama_bans_hiring_bias_against_excons_seeking/
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A man is sitting in a bar staring at his drink,

when another man comes along and drinks it up. "Come on man, cheer up. Here, I'll buy you another drink."
The first man replies "No, I've just had a really bad day today.
First I woke up late because the power went off in my house so my alarm didn't go off, so I quickly rush to work badly dressed and without eating breakfast.
My boss is furious because I missed an important business meeting, so he fires me.
I walk back outside to the parking lot and find out that my car is stolen, so I wait some time until a taxi comes around.
After I step out of the taxi at my house, I realize I left my wallet and my phone in the seats, but when I turn around the car already drove away.
Next I find my wife in bed with the gardener, so that's how I end up in this bar and you come along and drink my poison."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ra6n4/a_man_is_sitting_in_a_bar_staring_at_his_drink/
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The Chinese Doctor

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Chinese Doctors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ra6mb/the_chinese_doctor/
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I had phone sex once...

It gave me hearing AIDS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r9zlw/i_had_phone_sex_once/
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I just added Princess Diana to my xbox friends list.

I don't think she has any games though, all she does is spend all day on the dashboard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r9y3d/i_just_added_princess_diana_to_my_xbox_friends/
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THE ENGINEER AND THE FROG

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r9vje/the_engineer_and_the_frog/
%
My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.

"Where are you?" she moaned.
"I'm at the pub." I replied.
She said, "I think the baby's coming!"
I said, "She won't get in, she's under-age."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r9ty8/my_wife_phoned_me_panting_and_breathless/
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"Get in," I said to the prostitute.

"Hey," she smiled.
I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."
"Selling my body for money?" she asked.
I said, "No, sitting in a car with a murderer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r9rxh/get_in_i_said_to_the_prostitute/
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What do you get when you're bitten by a mosquito wearing a fedora?

M'laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r9pd0/what_do_you_get_when_youre_bitten_by_a_mosquito/
%
How do you make your GF cry during sex?

Phone her... ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r9mo9/how_do_you_make_your_gf_cry_during_sex/
%
Why do blondes have bruises around their belly buttons?

Because blonde guys are stupid too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r94j2/why_do_blondes_have_bruises_around_their_belly/
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A young Arkansas boy goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.
She very quickly came up with a plan for him. She has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r94he/a_young_arkansas_boy_goes_off_to_college/
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And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r93cm/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and/
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The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
So to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r92s3/the_inventors_of_the_automobile_air_conditioner/
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Werewolves are notoriously hard to find...

Otherwise they'd be known as Therewolves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r92l5/werewolves_are_notoriously_hard_to_find/
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My friend told me to stop singing Wonderwall...

...I said maybe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r8zkx/my_friend_told_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
Lost in the Desert

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.
One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.
On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So, he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, Thank God, " and the horse starts trotting.
Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God" and the horse just literally takes off.
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
Finally he remembers, "AMEN!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.
The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r8z8p/lost_in_the_desert/
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If a redhead works in a bakery...

...does that make him a gingerbread man?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r8uhw/if_a_redhead_works_in_a_bakery/
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What is the tallest building in the entire world

Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
A: The library, because it has so many stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r8t5b/what_is_the_tallest_building_in_the_entire_world/
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A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke

, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r8rfy/a_man_got_hit_in_the_head_with_a_can_of_coke/
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What did Saturn tell it's moons when they started getting too far away?

"Titan up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r8pa0/what_did_saturn_tell_its_moons_when_they_started/
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The only reason your girlfriend likes to suck your cock.....

.....is because her parents told her to enjoy the little things in life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r8o5h/the_only_reason_your_girlfriend_likes_to_suck/
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Two guys are watching a dog lick its privates.

One guy chuckles and says, "I wish I could do that."  The other guy says, "Pet him, maybe he'll let you."
An oldie, but I always liked it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r8npl/two_guys_are_watching_a_dog_lick_its_privates/
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Sheikh was talking to his travel agent....

Sheikh: I am about ready for a vacation. Only this year, I am going to do it a little differently....
The last few years, I have been taking your advice on where to go....
Three years ago you said go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and spent some days and my wife Razia got pregnant.....
Then two years ago, you told me to enjoy Bahamas, and Razia got
pregnant again....
Last year you suggested Tahiti and Razia once again got pregnant.....
Travel agent: So, what are you going to do this year that is different?....
Sheikh replied: This year I'm taking Razia with me :-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r8n01/sheikh_was_talking_to_his_travel_agent/
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Why can't a porn star sneak up on anyone?

Because everyone sees them coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r8m7o/why_cant_a_porn_star_sneak_up_on_anyone/
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Firefighters

One night outside a small town in Southern Ireland, a fire started inside    the  local chemical plant.  In the blink of an eye, it exploded into  massive flames.  The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles  around.
When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas  are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be    saved. I'll  give 50,000 Euros to the fire department that brings them out  intact."
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation  became desperate.  As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out  that the offer was now 100,000 Euros to the fire department who could  save the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came  into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer Fire Company  composed mainly of men over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement,  the little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek  newer engines that were parked outside the plant.  Without even  slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement and disbelief as the  old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it  back on all sides.  It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and  saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a  superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 Euros, and walked  over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film,  asking their chief," What are you going to do with all that money?
"Well," said Paddy Murphy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist ting we're gonna do is fix da brakes on dat fecking truck !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r8dyf/firefighters/
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I recently came into a lot of money.

The bank teller wasn't happy about having to use gloves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r8b9i/i_recently_came_into_a_lot_of_money/
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2 guys walk into a bar

The third one ducked
Thank you I'll... Leave now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r898z/2_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Beethoven is on the stage at a concert

"You wanna' hear a symphony?"
"Yeaaah"
"I can't hear you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r877o/beethoven_is_on_the_stage_at_a_concert/
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The girl asks her father "what's the difference between theory and reality"?

The father responds "would you fuck a random man for a million dollars"? The daughter replies " well of course"!
Father says "ok go ask your mom the same question".
The girl returns and says "mom said for that much money, definitely".
The father lets out a long sigh, "well sweetheart, here's the difference.. In theory we're millionaires, but in reality I'm living with a couple of whores".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r85yu/the_girl_asks_her_father_whats_the_difference/
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Why did the Mexican push his wife off the building?

Te-quil-a

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r84t3/why_did_the_mexican_push_his_wife_off_the_building/
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20 Long Years

A  woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in  bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She  finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front  of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She  watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
“What’s the matter dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night!?”
The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th anniversary of the day we met.”
She can’t believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15.”
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses… the words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
“Do  you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either  you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in  prison?'”
“I remember that too,” she replied softly…
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r82g1/20_long_years/
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Episodes 4, 5, and 6 of Star Wars came before episodes 1, 2, and 3...

...because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r80bw/episodes_4_5_and_6_of_star_wars_came_before/
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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A perfect 10, but completely imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r7zed/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/
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What do you call someone who has sex for spaghetti?

A pastatute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r7r47/what_do_you_call_someone_who_has_sex_for_spaghetti/
%
What did the Hurricane say to the Palm tree?

Hold onto your nuts this ain't going to be any ordinary Blow Job!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r7nwc/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_palm_tree/
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An old joke told in the Soviet Union...

Every other Friday a factory guard saw a worker coming out of the factory pushing a wheelbarrow packed with hay.
The guard searched inside the hay, found nothing and let the guy go. This ritual repeated over several years until a time when the guard was about to retire.
When the guy pushing the wheelbarrow appeared at the gate he told him: “I know you are stealing something. I am just about to retire and this is my last day here. I will not tell anybody, but, please, let me know what are you stealing.” The guy smiled and answered, “Oh, I am stealing the wheelbarrows.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r7kdp/an_old_joke_told_in_the_soviet_union/
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I threw a Bukakke party last night......

it was terrible nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r7k6l/i_threw_a_bukakke_party_last_night/
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What's Gordon Ramsay's favourite movie?

It's still fucking Frozen!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r7hcu/whats_gordon_ramsays_favourite_movie/
%
What's the difference between an onion and a dead whore?

I cried when I cut up the onion.
(Jack the Ripper)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r7fe7/whats_the_difference_between_an_onion_and_a_dead/
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A wife is like a hand grenade

you take away the ring, and there goes your house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r7b44/a_wife_is_like_a_hand_grenade/
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What do you call a group of 8 hobbits?

a hobbyte
Cortana told me that joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r7aul/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_8_hobbits/
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What did the optimist say as he jumped off the building?

So far, so good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r79c0/what_did_the_optimist_say_as_he_jumped_off_the/
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I could tell you a joke about TCP....

But I'd have to keep repeating it until you got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r78dz/i_could_tell_you_a_joke_about_tcp/
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A joke my granpda tells to me every time I see him

A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and says "sir do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants" the pirate replies "yarr, its driving me nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r74ir/a_joke_my_granpda_tells_to_me_every_time_i_see_him/
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A socially awkward guy at a party...

...never knows what to say to women. So a friend suggests asking them if they're married, have any kids.
"Are you married?"
"No."
"um...have any kids...?" She gives him a disgusted look, walks away.
He thinks to himself, maybe I did that wrong, let me try it again.
"Have any kids?"
"Yes."
"Are you married...?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r6qss/a_socially_awkward_guy_at_a_party/
%
I like my coffee just like I like my slaves...

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r6p6x/i_like_my_coffee_just_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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Which E.D. is worst, Erectile Dysfunction or Explosive Diarrhea?

The man blushed and answered in almost a whisper: erectile dysfunction..
The embarassed woman also said: erectile dysfunction.
The butch lesbian hesitantly replied: erectile dysfunction.
The gay guy without hesitation answered: depends if you're top or bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r6dhq/which_ed_is_worst_erectile_dysfunction_or/
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What's it called when an oil rig makes an inappropriate joke?

Crude humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r6bk0/whats_it_called_when_an_oil_rig_makes_an/
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"Doctor, I have an embarrassing medical problem..." NSFW

Well, what is it?" asks the doctor.
"I have five penises."
"Five penises!," exclaims the doctor, "How does your underwear fit?"
"Like a glove!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r674n/doctor_i_have_an_embarrassing_medical_problem_nsfw/
%
What vegetable likes to party?

A turn-up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r669g/what_vegetable_likes_to_party/
%
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r65ps/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
I got my first A+ on a test today...

It was a blood test...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r65ec/i_got_my_first_a_on_a_test_today/
%
Asking a question

During the computer class, the teacher chastised one boy for talkingto the girl sitting behind him.
"I was just asking her a question, " the boy said.
"If you have a question, ask me," the teacher replied.
"OK," the boy answered. "Do you want to go out with me Friday night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5zzf/asking_a_question/
%
What Moby Dick's fathers name?

Papa Boner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5zf0/what_moby_dicks_fathers_name/
%
I read a book about stockholm syndrome...

I hated it at first, but it was great after a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5vio/i_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome/
%
Why did the electric car finish the race early?

It had a short circuit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5ro2/why_did_the_electric_car_finish_the_race_early/
%
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam

, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked:
What about extreme sexual exhaustion?
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said:
You can write with your other hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5p4d/an_english_professor_told_her_students_that_there/
%
My mother is horrible at breaking bad news...

I came home one day and my mother looked distressed. She told me that she felt really terrible and that she'd been having an affair. She also told me that I couldn't tell dad.
"Why not?" I asked.
She replied, "Because he just passed away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5mlh/my_mother_is_horrible_at_breaking_bad_news/
%
What does an orphan and a bottle of champagne have in common?

They both lost their pop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5kln/what_does_an_orphan_and_a_bottle_of_champagne/
%
"I must go," said my friend.

"Why?" I asked.
He said, "I need to feed my baby hamsters."
I said, "That's no way to raise a child."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5j0z/i_must_go_said_my_friend/
%
Why did the Chemist give up a singing career?

He could not hit any of the ketones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5ir5/why_did_the_chemist_give_up_a_singing_career/
%
Knock knock jokes

Didn't go down well at the homeless shelter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5gts/knock_knock_jokes/
%
I'm not a racist...

Racism is crime and crime is for blacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5fep/im_not_a_racist/
%
Two cows are grazing in a field...

One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?"
The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5ev1/two_cows_are_grazing_in_a_field/
%
A Iranian, a Israeli, and a Nazi are walking through the desert...

....when they happen upon a magic lamp! Excited, they rub the lamp and a Genie appears.  "Thank you for releasing me! In exchange, I will grant you each one wish".
The Iranian thinks for a minute, and says: "My people get pushed around by the rest of the world, but we would be fine if we had 1,000 tanks".  The Genie says "Granted".
The Israeli thinks for a minute and says: "My country is in danger now because of these tanks,  I wish for a wall around Israel that will keep out these tanks and protect us".  The Genie says "Granted".
The Nazi thinks for a minute, and says: "Tell me about this wall".  The Genie replies: "Well, it is 1,000 meters tall, 100 meters thick, and made of solid steel.  The only way in our out is by helicopter or plane".  The Nazi thinks for a bit, asks: "Nothing can get through?".  "Correct" says the Genie.  The Nazi says: "Fill it with water".
*This joke was developed by a multicultural team of various faiths and beliefs.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5euw/a_iranian_a_israeli_and_a_nazi_are_walking/
%
Oral relief

'Darling, I want some.... Oral relief.'
'You mean you want a blowjob?'
'No, I just want you to shut up.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5ads/oral_relief/
%
What does Batman get in his drink?

Just Ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r5886/what_does_batman_get_in_his_drink/
%
What is wonder woman's favorite drug?

Heroine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r582j/what_is_wonder_womans_favorite_drug/
%
Two older couples are having dinner

and afterwards when the wives get up to get dessert, one husband says to the other, "you should go to the restaurant we went to last night, it was great!" "Sure" says the other, "what's the name?" The first replies, "Um, what do you call the flower with red petals and thorns on it?" "a rose" said the second". "Right" the first says, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r57h8/two_older_couples_are_having_dinner/
%
What's got 24 balls and screws small animals?

A shotgun shell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r55oo/whats_got_24_balls_and_screws_small_animals/
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I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.

it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.
it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r51rs/i_saw_a_billboard_the_other_day_for_a_sports_team/
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What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space.

Successful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4z7v/what_do_you_call_an_iphone_6s_that_ran_out_memory/
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I just came across a group of elderly fish...

Old School.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4xo3/i_just_came_across_a_group_of_elderly_fish/
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THE BAD BELT

Q: Why did the belt get locked up?
A: He held up a pair of pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4vni/the_bad_belt/
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AIR & SEX

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4vh5/air_sex/
%
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be baygulls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4vbq/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
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What kind of flooring does a Mexican fit?

Underlay! Underlay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4v6x/what_kind_of_flooring_does_a_mexican_fit/
%
My friend wrote a crossover of Dukes of Hazzard and Knight Rider

It was good, General Lee speaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4uxf/my_friend_wrote_a_crossover_of_dukes_of_hazzard/
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The Half-Wit

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4o1f/the_halfwit/
%
Why dont witches wear underwear?

So they can get a good grip on the broomstick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4mhv/why_dont_witches_wear_underwear/
%
What's better than a vase of roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4ii5/whats_better_than_a_vase_of_roses_on_your_piano/
%
Balls of Steel

Two wrestlers an American and a Russian were the finialists in the World Championship event.
They were preparing to meet each other in the final round and the American coach was giving instructions to his star wrestler.
The coach was saying, "Beware of the Russian and his famous hold - the pretzel. No one has ever got out of that hold!."
The match begins and the Russian finally gets an advantage on the American and he is in the dreaded pretzel hold.
The spectators start to get up to leave.
Suddenly there is a blood curdling scream and the Russian goes flying across the canvas, and the American wrestler feebly crawls over and pins him for the title.
Later the American coach asked, "How did you get out of that hold?"
The wrestler responds, "Well I knew I was dead meat when he got me in that hold. I opened my eyes and through the blur I could see these big pink testicles.
So I stretched my neck with all my might and I bit down on those babies just as hard as I could.
It's amazing how much strength you can come up with when you bite your own balls!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4hpk/balls_of_steel/
%
I used to be into infantalism...

I eventually grew out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4gbn/i_used_to_be_into_infantalism/
%
I refuse to text and drive...

I always end up spilling my beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4fzr/i_refuse_to_text_and_drive/
%
Why did the Kenyans win the marathon?

They heard there was water at the end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4egb/why_did_the_kenyans_win_the_marathon/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4e8s/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby_the_bus/
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A husband forgot his wife's anniversary...

So a husband forgot that today was his anniversary, and naturally, his wife was upset and mad at him. The wife then gave him an ultimatum. "If I dont see something chrome plated that can go 0-100 in less than 5 seconds in the garage by tomorrow morning, the neighbors will see you walking away from this house with a large suitcase." The husband, worried, went away and thought to himself "what in the world could she possibly want..." He thought long and hard, and finally thought of something that would be perfect for her. In fact, it was exactly what she asked for! "How could this ever go wrong!" he thought to himself. The next day rolls around, and the husband takes his wife's hand to the garage. The wife, not seeing anything, asks "where is it?" The husband points at the floor, on which lay a chrome plated weighing scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4dgf/a_husband_forgot_his_wifes_anniversary/
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A courteous pick-up line

Guy's in a bar waiting to pick-up an evening's entertainment when this reasonably hot lady sits on the stool next to him.
He doesn't say anything to her, and after about 20 minutes, she says to him ... "OK - I've got to ask you a question".
He says, "Sure - what?"
She says: "During the past 20 minutes, you've stroked your mustache away from your upper lip at least ten times and each time you've done it, you've tried to catch my eye.  What exactly are you trying to say with that move?"
He says, "I'm not trying to say anything ... I'm just clearing off a place for you to sit ...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r4cgd/a_courteous_pickup_line/
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A travelling salesman gets into a self driving car.

"Oh shit" says the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r42r1/a_travelling_salesman_gets_into_a_self_driving_car/
%
What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals going down on one another

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r41r0/what_is_the_definition_of_trust/
%
I had sex for an hour and 20 seconds today...

Thank you daylight savings time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r3ta2/i_had_sex_for_an_hour_and_20_seconds_today/
%
Horton must be a first base coach...

Since he hears a who.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r3rvt/horton_must_be_a_first_base_coach/
%
What do ghosts do when they're sad?

They get in an elevator to lift their spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r3raf/what_do_ghosts_do_when_theyre_sad/
%
What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?

A cock that stays up all night long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r3pmu/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_rooster_with_an/
%
What did a propeller say to Howard Hughes?

I'm a big fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r3of4/what_did_a_propeller_say_to_howard_hughes/
%
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r3kmd/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_a_dead/
%
TIL that black eyes are hereditary

You get them from your father if you drink his last beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r3i07/til_that_black_eyes_are_hereditary/
%
The newest iPhone 6 Plus has an excellent battery life, thanks to...

...the energy generated by the perpetual motion of Steve Jobs rolling in his grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r3ev8/the_newest_iphone_6_plus_has_an_excellent_battery/
%
What drink do you have on Halloween?

Mali-BOO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r3eiz/what_drink_do_you_have_on_halloween/
%
I'm a social vegan

I avoid meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r36nl/im_a_social_vegan/
%
How do you know what kind of Jewish wedding you're at?

At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is pregnant.
At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At a reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r31qr/how_do_you_know_what_kind_of_jewish_wedding_youre/
%
Son accidentally sees Dad put a condom on

Dad tells him he was just dressing his penis as a ghost for Halloween.
When mom gets home, she asks the son if he wants to be Casper for Halloween. He says, "No way, my sister is going as a ghost eater."
-----
Happy Halloween Everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r314k/son_accidentally_sees_dad_put_a_condom_on/
%
What do you call a magic owl?

HOOdini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r2zhc/what_do_you_call_a_magic_owl/
%
Have you heard the joke from the kid with short attention-span?

He didn't even finish his j---

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r2yq0/have_you_heard_the_joke_from_the_kid_with_short/
%
Scooby and the gang on Family Fortunes

The host goes to Daphne and asks her to name an endangered African animal, she ponders for a second and then a voice in the background goes "Rhino!"
The host says "I know you do Scooby, but it's not your go..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r2yaz/scooby_and_the_gang_on_family_fortunes/
%
Everything is bigger in Texas

A Texan man was driving thru rural NSW with his Aussie chaperone when they passed a cornfield.
'You know back where I am from in Texas our cornfields are ten times larger then that' scoffs the Texan.
Next they drive past a couple of barns.
'You know back where I am from in Texas our barns are ten times larger then that'
They continue along when they pass an open field with kangaroos jumping about.
'What do you call those things' asks the shocked Texan.
The Aussie chaperone replies 'don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r2xqe/everything_is_bigger_in_texas/
%
Old man goes to a doctor...

Old man, well into his eighties, goes to a doctor for a regular checkup.
The doctor examines him, makes several tests, looks at him and he can't believe what he sees. He says:
"Old man, this can't be true! You're old, but you're healthy as a teenager. No hypertension, no elevated sugar levels, your ECG is perfect... How is that possible?"
"Well" old man replies "probably because I'm physically active. You see, I walk every day, I go fishing regulary..."
"No" the doctor interrupts him "that couldn't possibly explain this phenomenon. This must be genetic. Tell me, how old was your father when he died?"
"My father is not dead! - the old man replies - He's alive and well just as I am. We go fishing together."
The doctor is gobsmacked. With a shaky voice, he asks:
"How old is he?"
"Almost a hundred. He married young."
"Wow! This is phenomenal! Now, how about your grandfather? Can you remember how old was he when he died?"
"He's not dead either! He's almost 120."
Now the doctor is skeptical.
"I guess he too goes fishing with you and your father?"
"Oh, no, this week he'll be at home, he's preparing for his wedding"
"He's getting married at 120?"
"Well, he doesn't really want to, but his parents are nagging him..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r2wcj/old_man_goes_to_a_doctor/
%
How does a mathematician deal with constipation?

The same way he deals with all his other problems. He works it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r2tia/how_does_a_mathematician_deal_with_constipation/
%
Why was the piano teacher arrested?

He kept fingering A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r2pzf/why_was_the_piano_teacher_arrested/
%
What do you call a tv show about female puberty?

A Breasted Development

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r2h3r/what_do_you_call_a_tv_show_about_female_puberty/
%
What room is a ghost scared of?

The living room( haha get it?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r2dl0/what_room_is_a_ghost_scared_of/
%
A routine call to an elderly patient..

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients.
He asks, ”And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?”
Mr. Johnson replies, ”I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it’s the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!”
The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man’s son, and the son’s wife answers.
The doctor tells her, ”Mrs. Johnson, I’m a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on…
”Mrs. Johnson yells, ”STEVEN! Daddy’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r2d9t/a_routine_call_to_an_elderly_patient/
%
Today's joke from Russian-language Internet

"You know, they've built a George Orwell memorial in Russia!"
'What? Where?"
"Pretty much everywhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r27df/todays_joke_from_russianlanguage_internet/
%
This Halloween, I put a potato in my pants and ordered people around.

I was a dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r21jh/this_halloween_i_put_a_potato_in_my_pants_and/
%
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r21fz/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/
%
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

sneakers( iknow its old but its nice)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r1t4u/what_kind_of_shoes_do_ninjas_wear/
%
A priest lost his rooster...

One day the priest lost his rooster. The next day he went on to church and asked everyone "Have any of you seen a cock?" All of the women stand up. Mad, he says "Not like that. Do any of you have a cock?" All of the men stand up. Finally infuriated he says "No not like that have any of you seen my cock?" All the little kids stand up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r1r2z/a_priest_lost_his_rooster/
%
What do you give an injured alligator?

Gatorade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r1p3n/what_do_you_give_an_injured_alligator/
%
My last job was circumcising elephants

The pay wasn't great but the tips were huge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r1j2c/my_last_job_was_circumcising_elephants/
%
CHEAP and EASY Hack for Getting in Touch With Your Inner Self:

Use 1 ply toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r1g7q/cheap_and_easy_hack_for_getting_in_touch_with/
%
If you are American when you go into the bathroom and American when you leave, what are you when are using the bathroom?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r1g2b/if_you_are_american_when_you_go_into_the_bathroom/
%
When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r1fjd/when_i_graduated_high_school_i_wanted_to_buy_a/
%
I gave blood this week and felt great afterwards...

Which is weird because when girls lose that much blood they just get bitchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r19fh/i_gave_blood_this_week_and_felt_great_afterwards/
%
Just had a trick or treater tell me "Vote for Trump"

Might be the scariest thing I've heard all night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r19ev/just_had_a_trick_or_treater_tell_me_vote_for_trump/
%
A photographer gets a call from his boss

"Look, son, there's a forest fire a couple hundred miles north of you. I need you to get on a plane 5 minutes ago and photograph the hell out of that forest. There's huge money in this."
The photographer grabs all of his equipment and rushes to the airport. He gets on a private jet and says to the pilot, "Just fly!!"
"But--"
"Just go", yells the photographer.
After a very difficult takeoff the pilot asks, "Why do you have all of those cameras?"
"I'm a photographer."
The pilot's face goes white. "So what you're saying is that you *aren't* my flight instructor?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r18y5/a_photographer_gets_a_call_from_his_boss/
%
A Swedish bartender is found to be the spitting image of Leonardo DiCaprio

As it turns out, they have the same amount of Oscars, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r15lw/a_swedish_bartender_is_found_to_be_the_spitting/
%
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg?

He was alright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r1450/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_lost_his_left_arm/
%
Got a Handjob from a Blind Girl last night...

She said "You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on" I said
"Nah, you're pulling my leg"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r13is/got_a_handjob_from_a_blind_girl_last_night/
%
Life's like a roll of toilet paper

The closer you get to the end the faster it goes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r12qy/lifes_like_a_roll_of_toilet_paper/
%
A man walks into his room holding a chicken...

A man walks into a room holding a chicken and sees his wife in bed. "This is the pig I sleep with when your not feeling like it." His wife says, "That's a chicken, not a pig you idiot!" The man looks at his chicken and says, "See?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r10co/a_man_walks_into_his_room_holding_a_chicken/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It sucks if you have diabetes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r0xmn/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Why do rednecks love Halloween? (NSFW)

Because they love to pump kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r0wuw/why_do_rednecks_love_halloween_nsfw/
%
Was admiring myself in a mirror at the supermarket the other day.

Its ok, I was at the self-checkout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r0v61/was_admiring_myself_in_a_mirror_at_the/
%
What's the useless skin around a vagina called?

A woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r0tnb/whats_the_useless_skin_around_a_vagina_called/
%
Being in middle management is like being a toilet seat...

Look up and you see a bunch of arseholes, look down and all you see are shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r0tjz/being_in_middle_management_is_like_being_a_toilet/
%
Did you hear that some aquatic mammals escaped from the zoo?

It was otter chaos!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r0s3y/did_you_hear_that_some_aquatic_mammals_escaped/
%
The Amazon

Three guys were on vacation in the Amazon, when they became separated from their tour group. After stumbling through the forest for hours, they finally stumbled upon an indigenous tribe, all of whom were naked, and statues of penises everywhere. Hoping that they may care for or help them find help, they approached them. The tribe immediately took them as prisoners and tied them to stakes.
The chief says to them, "If your penises can measure a total of 12 inches, we will let you go. If not, you will be killed and eaten."
The men grew immediately nervous, as one of the tribesmen pulls down the first guys pants. 4 inches. They begin to sweat. The tribesman pulls down the next guy's pants. It's like a baby's arm. 7 inches. Breathing a massive sigh of relief, they all look to the last guy, who's breathing heavy and with worry on his face, as his pants are removed. 1 inch.
The guys cheer as they're being untied and are walking out of the camp. As they finally make their way out of the jungle and laughing to themselves at the insanity of the situation, the third guy looks at the other two and says, "Man. I'm really glad I had a boner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r0ihy/the_amazon/
%
"Why is there a Women's Studies Major, but not a Men's Studies Major"

"There is a Men's Studies major, its called history"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r0gsd/why_is_there_a_womens_studies_major_but_not_a/
%
What do cows say on Halloween?

Still moo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r0ftm/what_do_cows_say_on_halloween/
%
Why is Waldo always wearing striped clothing?

because he doesn't want to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r0b2e/why_is_waldo_always_wearing_striped_clothing/
%
How did Mario speak to King Boo?

With a luouiji board!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r0354/how_did_mario_speak_to_king_boo/
%
The Irish Railway Company

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r00u8/the_irish_railway_company/
%
What do you call a wolf that's aware of its surroundings?

Awarewolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qzzfk/what_do_you_call_a_wolf_thats_aware_of_its/
%
My dad dressed up as The Invisible Man today

He's had the costume on for the last 20 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qzv3l/my_dad_dressed_up_as_the_invisible_man_today/
%
Who's Bill Cosby's favourite Disney princess?

Sleeping Beauty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qzqy1/whos_bill_cosbys_favourite_disney_princess/
%
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

Anywhere else and it would have been called a teeth brush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qzo1v/did_you_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in_west/
%
I love Halloween...

It's the only time of the year that I can lure young children in with candy without using my van.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qzhll/i_love_halloween/
%
Humpty Dumpty

Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qzaxr/humpty_dumpty/
%
I am not racist ...

My shadow is black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qz9st/i_am_not_racist/
%
Cinderella wanted to go to the ball....

....but didn't have all the right gear - suddenly her fairy godmother appears and grants her all her wishes... "But remember deary, be home by midnight, or else your vagina will turn into a pumpkin"... She agrees and goes off to the ball, has a great time and meets Prince Charming....... but he's quite dull, so she mingles a bit more and meets a very handsome young man. "Who are you?" She asks...
"I'm Peter-Peter the pumpkin eater, say what time do you have to be home?"
"Oh!", replies Cinders, "about three or four in the morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qz95k/cinderella_wanted_to_go_to_the_ball/
%
What did the kid say to his mother right before he went to India?

Mumbai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qz3bz/what_did_the_kid_say_to_his_mother_right_before/
%
why should you be afraid of a white man in prison?

because you know he's guilty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qz345/why_should_you_be_afraid_of_a_white_man_in_prison/
%
First trick or treater of the day just came round dressed as Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qz1i6/first_trick_or_treater_of_the_day_just_came_round/
%
Whats a ghost's favorite kind of porn?

Booookaki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qz1cs/whats_a_ghosts_favorite_kind_of_porn/
%
How do you find blind man on a nudist beach?

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qz116/how_do_you_find_blind_man_on_a_nudist_beach/
%
I once had a girlfriend who had a lazy eye...

I had to dump her because she was seeing other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qz0y4/i_once_had_a_girlfriend_who_had_a_lazy_eye/
%
What's Serena Williams' favorite time of day?

Ten-ish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qz0w5/whats_serena_williams_favorite_time_of_day/
%
Well, it's that time of year again

when people come up to me with their scary face and frightening clothes with their hand held out wanting money and shit.
I hate my job at the welfare office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qyx6n/well_its_that_time_of_year_again/
%
I went to a new zoo that has opened up in my area yesterday. Wasn't really worth it, they had one animal and it was a dog.

Turns out it was a Shih Tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qyx0q/i_went_to_a_new_zoo_that_has_opened_up_in_my_area/
%
Why do men prefer white women?

They want the dishwasher to match with their fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qyvr4/why_do_men_prefer_white_women/
%
Its Halloween and there’s a knock on my door

I shout to my wife...
"Honey there's a witch at the door what should I do?"
She replied, "Just give her some candy and tell her to fuck off."
My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qyvg9/its_halloween_and_theres_a_knock_on_my_door/
%
Fishing

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qysr9/fishing/
%
Life is a lot like toilet paper.

You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qys3j/life_is_a_lot_like_toilet_paper/
%
You Are What Your Eat

I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qyrz4/you_are_what_your_eat/
%
Trick or treat..

Smell my feet, give me something good to eat.
If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear.
And that's why I was arrested, Your Honor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qyr5n/trick_or_treat/
%
What they never taught you in the 2nd grade.

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed.  In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying.  He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.  So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.  When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.  Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't there.  So he went to the maid's room.  When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.  Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud,  "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full of shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qyqof/what_they_never_taught_you_in_the_2nd_grade/
%
Why did Billy take a ruler to bed with him?

To see how long he slept.
...
...
...
...
I'll let myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qyofw/why_did_billy_take_a_ruler_to_bed_with_him/
%
My sex life and gaming life are pretty similar.

I play a lot of single player.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qynof/my_sex_life_and_gaming_life_are_pretty_similar/
%
So I asked my wife, were you faking it last night?

She said: no I really was asleep.
(I heard this from Gazzo on Penn & Teller: Fool Us)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qyni8/so_i_asked_my_wife_were_you_faking_it_last_night/
%
Why did the shark go to the doctors?

Because he didn't feel very whale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qyk93/why_did_the_shark_go_to_the_doctors/
%
What is the longest word in the English language?

SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qyk4v/what_is_the_longest_word_in_the_english_language/
%
Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster...

Now it just doesn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qyhuw/painted_my_computer_black_hoping_it_would_run/
%
Man is in need of brain transplant

Man was at the hospital talking to his doctor, "Doc, is this operation expensive?" Doctor responds "Well, it depends on what kind of brain do you want"
Patient then asks the doctor "So, what are my options?" Well, "Lawyers brain is 10 000, doctors 20 000, scientists 50 000 and politicians 1 000 000"
Patient looked a little confused and asked the doctor, "How come the politicians brains are so much more expensive than the rest?"
Doctor: "The other brains are used."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qyd4e/man_is_in_need_of_brain_transplant/
%
Met a woman with 12 boobs the other day

Sounds weird dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qycs9/met_a_woman_with_12_boobs_the_other_day/
%
Church of Frugality

:
"Thank you for the food which we are about to receive.  Ramen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qyb5e/church_of_frugality/
%
My boss dressed up as Caitlyn Jenner in a mini-skirt

He showed a lot of balls...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qy7un/my_boss_dressed_up_as_caitlyn_jenner_in_a/
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What's it called when you get a boner at a funeral? (NSFW)

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qy584/whats_it_called_when_you_get_a_boner_at_a_funeral/
%
What does a communist cat say

Mao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qxx1p/what_does_a_communist_cat_say/
%
Why does a squirrel swim on its back?

To keep its nuts dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qxk0s/why_does_a_squirrel_swim_on_its_back/
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There were three guys in Hell - Afghan, American, and a Chinese man.

They asked Satan to let them call their family. The American called and talked for 10 minutes. He payed $1,000. The Chinaman called and talked for 15 minutes. He payed $2,000. The Afghan talked for an hour and only paid $10. The other men complained and Satan responded, "A call from Afghanistan to Hell is local."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qxjwq/there_were_three_guys_in_hell_afghan_american_and/
%
If you have a donkey and I have a rooster, and your donkey bites off my roosters feet. What do you have?

2 feet of my cock in your ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qxjvz/if_you_have_a_donkey_and_i_have_a_rooster_and/
%
Why did President Obama get two terms?

Because every black man gets a longer sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qxiqe/why_did_president_obama_get_two_terms/
%
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qx9wo/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number_she_said/
%
So a guy with a "Baby on Board" sticker on his back glass, backed out of a parking spot and directly into my car..

Apparently that dick had a problem with pulling out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qx4z8/so_a_guy_with_a_baby_on_board_sticker_on_his_back/
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A Story About Joe

There was this man, let's call him Joe.  Joe was a religious man, he was the CEO of a multi-million dollar company, and he had a very nice house.  One day, as he was heading to work, he heard a voice boom down from the heavens.
"JOE," the voice proclaimed.
"God?  Is that you?" Joe asked, dumbfounded.
"YES, JOE, IT'S ME, GOD.  LISTEN, I NEED YOU TO SELL YOUR BUSINESS."
"Oh yes, of course, God!"  Joe said, ecstatic that God was speaking to him.  Then, he did just as God asked, and sold his business for $500,000,000.
"What now, God?"
"YOU MUST SELL YOUR HOUSE, AND ALL OF YOUR WORLDLY POSSESSIONS" God thundered.  And of course, Joe obliged, selling his house and all his possessions for another $1,500,000.
"Okay, God," Joe said.  "I sold my home and livelihood.  Now what must I do?"
"TAKE ALL OF YOUR MONEY TO VEGAS.  THEN, GO TO CAESAR'S PALACE."
So, Joe did as God asked, buying a ticket to Las Vegas.  After landing, he went to Caesar's Palace.  Inside, he asked: "What now, God?"
"THE CASINO.  YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY BLACKJACK."
Joe was hesitant, but he obliged.  He took all of the money he had from his savings and from selling his home and business and went to the blackjack table.
"BET IT ALL ON ONE HAND."
Joe did as he was told, betting all of the money on the first hand.  Cards dealt, Joe looked at his hand.  A 5 and a 2, totaling 7.
"TAKE THE HIT."
A King.  17.
"TAKE THE HIT."
Nervously, Joe looked at the dealer's face-up card.  A Queen.  Begrudgingly, he took the hit without complaint.
A three.  20.
"TAKE THE HIT."
"God, are you sure?  I mean, I have twenty, I should be..."
"TAKE THE HIT, JOE."
After a moment of silent reflection and prayer, Joe asked for the hit.
An ace.  21.
And that's when God said: "NO FUCKING WAY."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qx4nu/a_story_about_joe/
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What did the prostitute say to the psychic?

I don't do aural.
You're welcome and I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qx36q/what_did_the_prostitute_say_to_the_psychic/
%
Light a man a fire...

You'll keep him warm for a night. Light a man on fire you keep him warm for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qx35p/light_a_man_a_fire/
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President Reagan and his wife were at a state dinner

and the waiter asked her what she wanted for her entree. She said, "I'll have the chicken". The waiter asked, "what about the vegetable?" She replied, "He'll have the beef"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qx20z/president_reagan_and_his_wife_were_at_a_state/
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I always wanted to marry a girl with nice big melons...

Too bad she cantalope :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qwyzp/i_always_wanted_to_marry_a_girl_with_nice_big/
%
A hungry bear spots a rabbit in the forest...

...the rabbit sees the bear, and hops away with the bear close behind. They run for a bit, when the bear jumps upon the rabbit and they tumble down a hill. When they reach the bottom, they hear a high-pitch scream.
"Aaaaaccck!"
They look around, confused, when they turn around and see a leprachaun.
"Ho ho ho," The Leprechaun says, "you found me, and for that I will grant you each three wishes!"
The bear, wanting to prove himself as the most masculine bear around, goes first, "I wish... that *all* of the bears in the forest, *except* me, were *female*." So the Leprechaun snapped his fingers and gave a mighty chear, and *all* of the bears in the forest, *except* for this bear, were *female*.
Now it is the rabbit's turn, and the rabbit, you should know, is a cunning rabbit. After thinking for a bit, the rabbit says, "I wish that I had a rabbit-sized motorcycle, with *infinite* gas." So the Leprachaun snaps his fingers and gave a mighty chear, and a blue rabbit-sized motorcycle appeared, with purple flames and *infinite* gas.
The bear, seeing this, realizes he has to step up his game. After thinking for a bit, the bear says, "I wish... that *all* of the bears in the country, *except* me, were *female*." So the Leprachaun snapped his finger and gave a mighty chear, and *all* of the bears in the country, *except* for this bear, were *female*.
Now it was the rabbits turn. He immediantly says, "I wish I had a rabbit-sized motorcycle helmet, with *built-in* wifi and access to the internet." So the Leprachaun snapped his fingers and gave a mighty chear, and a matching motorcyle helmet, equipped with *built-in* wifi and internet access, appeared to accompany the rabbit's motorcycle.
Now the bear, seeing this, realizes there is only one thing left to wish for if he wants to be the best, and so he says, "I wish... that *all* of the bears in the world, *except* me, were *female*." So the Leprachaun snapped his fingers and gave a mighty chear, and *all* of the bears in the world, *except* this bear, were *female*.
So the rabbit, admiring his new gadgets, puts on his blue-with-purple-flames motorcyle helmet, hops onto his rabbit sized motorcycle, turns it on, makes sure everything is working fine, and says, "I wish the bear was gay," and drives away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qwpxy/a_hungry_bear_spots_a_rabbit_in_the_forest/
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What is Worse than Ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qwlpf/what_is_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
%
A drunken bearded man is stumbling around outside a bar . . .

"I'm Jesus Christ! I am Jesus Christ!" He's yelling. No one bothers with him as he paces around waving his arms. Finally a man walks up, "I'm Jesus Christ" he yells at the man. "Ok" says the man "prove it and I'll give you 10 dollars." So the drunk nods and walks into the bar. "OH JESUS CHRIST!" Says the bartender, "not you again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qwkcm/a_drunken_bearded_man_is_stumbling_around_outside/
%
So the farmer has three daughters who are about to go on their first dates.

And so he invites their dates to his home, where he waited at the door with a shotgun.
When the first guy knocked on the door, the farmer opens it and the guy says, "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer thinks for a bit, then he lets them go.
When the second guy knocked on the door, the farmer opens it and the guy says, "Hi, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty. We're going to get some spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The farmer thinks for a bit, then he lets them go.
When the third guy knocked on the door, the farmer opens it and the guys says, "Hi, my name is Chuck."
So the farmer shot him.
:(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qwfjh/so_the_farmer_has_three_daughters_who_are_about/
%
An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

then a table, then a chair, floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qwczm/an_alcoholic_walks_into_a_candy_store/
%
How can you tell when a bar is haunted?

It's full of Boo's and Spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qwcup/how_can_you_tell_when_a_bar_is_haunted/
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I'm always frank with my sexual partners

I don't want them knowing my real name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qwb98/im_always_frank_with_my_sexual_partners/
%
I didn't feel like putting a lot of effort into a costume this year. I wore the bottom half of a donkey costume.

I decided to half ass it this halloween

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qw82i/i_didnt_feel_like_putting_a_lot_of_effort_into_a/
%
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

Because the ref was blowing a foul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qw6pc/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_basketball_court/
%
A guy was driving in a car with a blonde.....

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qw623/a_guy_was_driving_in_a_car_with_a_blonde/
%
The Vietnamese place on my street has soup so popular they make you stand in a line to get it.

It's a big pho queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qw3wp/the_vietnamese_place_on_my_street_has_soup_so/
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Is your birthday the 10th of October?

Because you look like a 10/10!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qw069/is_your_birthday_the_10th_of_october/
%
Why don't witches wear underwear?

To get a better grip on their broom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qvwgf/why_dont_witches_wear_underwear/
%
How much dessert does a dieting Jedi eat at an Italian restaurant?

Only one cannoli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qvw8c/how_much_dessert_does_a_dieting_jedi_eat_at_an/
%
Change is hard

So don't throw coins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qvuw5/change_is_hard/
%
What do you call a disputatious horse?

A naahh sayer.
Credit:14 yr old me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qvugx/what_do_you_call_a_disputatious_horse/
%
Why do pediatricians get so frustrated?

They have very little patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qvu12/why_do_pediatricians_get_so_frustrated/
%
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qvqhl/teach_a_man_to_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_lifetime/
%
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten-tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qvnwf/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_squid/
%
Someone asked me to stop singing wonderwall

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qvnhv/someone_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
Niagara Falls

A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I’ll bet you don’t have anything like this in Texas.
The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qvj2r/niagara_falls/
%
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qvits/a_russian_a_cuban_an_american_and_a_lawyer_are_in/
%
A man walking along the beach stumbles upon a lamp... (Told today by my Co-Worker)

He picks up and rubs the lamp, and a genie pops out to give him one wish.
**Genie**:  Hello my friend, I am a genie that will grant you one wish
**Man**:  Well, I've never been to Hawaii because I'm deathly afraid of flying.  But I like to drive.  I wish for a bridge and highway from LA to Hawaii.
**Genie**:  Are you crazy!  Do you know the logistics that would go into that?  The mileage?  The ocean is thousands of feet deep.  You need to pick a wish that I can actually grant.
**Man**:  Damn G you suck.  Ok, I wish to be able to understand everything about women.
**Genie**:  Do you want that bridge 1 lane or 2?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qvcnh/a_man_walking_along_the_beach_stumbles_upon_a/
%
The New Samurai

The head samurai of Japan has died, the Emperor is searching for a replacement. He puts out word that all should try out to become the next head of the samurai. 3 men show up, a Samurai from China, a Swordsman from Mongolia and a Jewish samurai. The emperor greats the Chinese samurai and tell him to show his skills. He opens a small wooden box releasing a fly. He proceeds to slice the fly in half. The emperor is impressed and calls upon the Mongolian samurai. The Mongolian also opens a wooden box, releasing a fly and with 2 swipes of the sword, quarters the fly. The Emperor, even more impressed, but calls upon the last samurai. The Jewish samurai opens a woods box, releases a fly, and takes one grand slice. But to the Emperor's disbelief the fly is still flying. He proclaims, "what is this? you could not hit the fly?" To which the Jewish Samurai replies, "anyone can slice a fly, but I have circumcised it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qvcn6/the_new_samurai/
%
A woman decession

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qvb5t/a_woman_decession/
%
Why I won't carpool.

I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qv924/why_i_wont_carpool/
%
A man is at his doctor ...

... And the doctor asks the man to pull down his pants and sit on the bench as the doctor examines him.
The doctor says "Don't worry, it's totally normal to get an erection at this moment".
The man says "But I don't have an erection" "No but I do" the doctor replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qv6nn/a_man_is_at_his_doctor/
%
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

osMoses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qv6bj/who_led_the_jews_across_a_semipermeable_membrane/
%
I recently got crushed by a pile of books,

but I suppose I have only my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qv3ls/i_recently_got_crushed_by_a_pile_of_books/
%
A woman goes to a plastic surgeon,

A woman goes to the plastic surgeon and she's very nervous. The surgeon says "Would you mind if I numb your breasts?" The woman meekly replies that that would be favourable.
Surgeon says "Numnumnumnum!"
- credit goes to Robin Williams in *Bicentennial Man*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qv2ec/a_woman_goes_to_a_plastic_surgeon/
%
My wife decided to adopt a dog from the shelter

So now I have to come home to a raging bitch and a poodle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3quwoc/my_wife_decided_to_adopt_a_dog_from_the_shelter/
%
White guy goes to prison... (NSFW)

To his dismay, he's put in a cell with a very large black man.  After a few moments of silence, the black man says in a deep, booming voice, "There's one thing we gotta get straight right now if we're gonna be in this cell together.  We gots to figure out who's gonna be the husband and who's gonna be the wife.  I'll let you decide."
The white guy is shaken, and thinks for a moment through all of the ramifications of his decision.  Finally he says, "Okay, I'll be the husband."
The black guys says, "That's fine with me.  Now get over here and suck yo wife's dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3quvbw/white_guy_goes_to_prison_nsfw/
%
What do rednecks do on Halloween?

Pump-kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qutsc/what_do_rednecks_do_on_halloween/
%
5 year old son after reading a story about a king...

Son:Mom, I also want 5 wives.one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me
Mom:And one will put you to sleep
Son:No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son
Mom:but who will sleep with your 5 wives?
Son:Let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3quth6/5_year_old_son_after_reading_a_story_about_a_king/
%
A newfie named Clyde died in a fire...

...and was burnt so badly that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Clem and Zeke, came to do the job. Clem went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem took one look and said, "Nope, ain't Clyde."
Just to be safe the mortician brought in Zeke and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician asked "How can you tell?
Zeke said "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say 'Here comes Clyde with them two assholes.' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3quocb/a_newfie_named_clyde_died_in_a_fire/
%
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

HAND EYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qum0b/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
%
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

Because he was out standing in his field!
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3quhzk/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_promoted/
%
The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qugvp/the_pretty_teacher_was_concerned_with/
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Contempt Of Court

Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.
Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned until the next day and he would have to return.
"What!" What for?" he yelled at the judge.
His Honor, equally irritated by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "That will be twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's what for!"
Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge added, "That's all right. You don't have to pay right now."
The man replied, "Oh, I'm just looking to see if I have enough for two more words!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3que5u/contempt_of_court/
%
A man is out shopping and discovers

a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qucqu/a_man_is_out_shopping_and_discovers/
%
Two blondes, one driving a convertible and one in the middle of a wheat field rowing a boat.

The blonde in the convertible pulls over and yells at the one in the boat,
"It's girls like you who give girls like us a bad name, and damn it, if I could swim I'd go out there and kick your ass right now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qu9bh/two_blondes_one_driving_a_convertible_and_one_in/
%
Someone called me racist for saying "black paint"

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qu3hu/someone_called_me_racist_for_saying_black_paint/
%
why is rain the best kind of music?

because it has amazing drops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qu03i/why_is_rain_the_best_kind_of_music/
%
Today, I started on my second million dollars!

I gave up on my first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qtzy3/today_i_started_on_my_second_million_dollars/
%
Aids vs Alzheimer

A man noticed his wife wasn't quite the same as she used to be. So he takes her to the doctor. The doctor does a bunch of tests. He calls the man into the office. He says, "Well, I've narrowed it down to two things. It's either Aids or Alzheimers." The man says, "Oh, My God!!!! What am I going to do? How do I know which one she has?" "Well," says the doctor, "I suggest this: on your way home stop about two blocks from home and drop her off. If she makes it home, don't fuck her!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qtww8/aids_vs_alzheimer/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, but how do you get them in there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qtvtu/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous.

While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says:
- There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry.
She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs.
The doctor says:
- What's so funny?
She answers:
-I'm imagining how they make condoms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qtpp9/a_gynecologist_notices_that_a_new_patient_is/
%
I had a race with an Asian today

It was a Thai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qtp1e/i_had_a_race_with_an_asian_today/
%
Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said:
- Happy birthday, boss!
I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said:
- Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?
- Okay,- I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qtm5j/why_did_i_get_divorced/
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Greatest Halloween Joke Ever

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qtlb9/greatest_halloween_joke_ever/
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Whenever I tell dad jokes

he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qtkvy/whenever_i_tell_dad_jokes/
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Why do women over 40 don't play hide and seek?

Because nobody is looking for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qtj0c/why_do_women_over_40_dont_play_hide_and_seek/
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School Teacher's Note

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qtilo/school_teachers_note/
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A young lad knocked on the door last night and said "Trick or Treat?"

"I said "What have you come as?"
"He said "A werewolf."
"I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes"
"He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead?"
"Cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qtfvi/a_young_lad_knocked_on_the_door_last_night_and/
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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qtf47/my_wife_being_unhappy_with_my_mood_swings_bought/
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What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qtcgo/whats_the_difference_between_hungry_and_horny/
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What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qtbwd/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
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How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

5.
1 to screw in the light bulb, and 4 to remark on how grand the old one was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qt4hh/how_many_irishmen_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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An Italian man goes to a cake shop

He asks for a cake that looks like a stack of pizzas, the shop owner says "No problem, I can have that done by the end of the day."
"The end of the day? That soon? I thought it would take at least a week."
"It'll be a pizza cake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qswpj/an_italian_man_goes_to_a_cake_shop/
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I can swallow two pieces of string and make them come out an hour later tied together

I SHIT YOU KNOT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qsv6u/i_can_swallow_two_pieces_of_string_and_make_them/
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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qst5l/a_small_boy_was_lost_at_a_large_shopping_mall_he/
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The doctor and the bunny (clean)

A doctor is driving home one dark and stormy night.  A few yards ahead, a rabbit bolts out from the forest.  Try as he may, the doctor couldn’t stop in time and he struck the rabbit.
An animal lover, the good doctor leapt from the car to see if he could help the little guy.  But the rabbit was not responsive.  He ran back to the car to get his medical bag, but then realized that he was driving his wife’s car, and so his bag would not be there.  He reached into the glove box and pulled out what he thought was a bottle of water.
Returning to the bunny, he carefully lifted its little head and helped it sip from the bottle.  To his amazement, the bunny sprang back to life.  The bunny gave him a big wave and then hopped off.  It stopped a few feet away and then waved again.  Bounding up the hill, once again the little bunny waved.  Astonished by the remarkable recovery, the doctor looked at bottle in his hand and read the label out loud, “Hair restorer with permanent wave.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qsm4g/the_doctor_and_the_bunny_clean/
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Easy way to search your wife.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket."
"Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled.
"Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qsl6t/easy_way_to_search_your_wife/
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What do you call the space in between Pamela Anderson's breasts?

Silicon Valley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qskit/what_do_you_call_the_space_in_between_pamela/
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A little Native American boy asks his chief how babies in their tribe get their names.

The chief replies, "When a baby is born, the father takes him outside of the teepee, holds him over his head, and names him after the first thing he sees - like 'Running-Wolf' or 'Flying-Cloud'. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Screwing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qsio9/a_little_native_american_boy_asks_his_chief_how/
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A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.  After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'  The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears,
he let his hand slide  up her leg again.  The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'  Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed
heavily and went on her way.  On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qsd9z/a_priest_offered_a_nun_a_lift/
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Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.

Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qsbnd/wife_my_hubby_i_have_what_he_callsolympic_sex/
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I saw a movie trailer about 30 trapped chillean miners...

Apparently Jared from subway had a stash...
(I'm so sorry about this, I just thought of it and needed to get it out)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qs9jj/i_saw_a_movie_trailer_about_30_trapped_chillean/
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A guy gets raped by a bear while hunting...

and the bear runs off before he can shoot it.
The next weekend, he comes back with 2 guns and a bear trap, but the wily bear somehow sneaks up on him and rapes him AGAIN!
The third weekend, the guy comes back with a knife, a pistol, a shotgun, a rifle, 2 bear traps and a taser.  As he is setting up his array of weapons, he feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around to find himself face to face with the bear, who says "Let's be honest, mister.  You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qs2wv/a_guy_gets_raped_by_a_bear_while_hunting/
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Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out, man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qs1gu/why_couldnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison...

...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qs11i/i_wanted_to_marry_my_english_teacher_when_she_got/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Why would they need a light bulb when they already have a glass ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qruvx/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Why cant a ghost have children?

Because they have a halloweenie.
(yes I know this is kinda dumb but I found this funny)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qrlji/why_cant_a_ghost_have_children/
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A flyer says to another flyer:

"Yo, wanna hang out tonight?"
The other one replies: "Brochure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qrd9j/a_flyer_says_to_another_flyer/
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Did you hear the energizer bunny was arrested?

He was charged with battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qrbs9/did_you_hear_the_energizer_bunny_was_arrested/
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American Businessman's First Visit to Japan

A successful American businessman heads to Japan to meet with a big supplier.  Naturally, the Japanese are going to set him up with a good time and loads of entertainment.  The first night, they go to Karaoke and a gorgeous young Karaoke hostess is sent back to the man's hotel room to entertain him further.
Despite her willingness, she still wants everything done with the lights off.  As he is going at it, she is crying out "Oshimigaso, Oshimigaso", over and over.
When it is all said and done, he asks her, "What does Oshimigaso mean?"
"Oh," she says blushing, "it means 'fantastic' or 'incredible'."
The next morning, the businessman joins his Japanese hosts for a round of golf.  Naturally.
On the fifth hole, the CEO of the Japanese company hits a hole-in-one.
Aiming to impress, the American cries out, "Oshimigaso, OSHIMIGASO!!".
The Japanese CEO replies, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qra9k/american_businessmans_first_visit_to_japan/
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I've only seen "Babe" once, but I've said "That'll do, pig" 1000 times.

My wife hates me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qr5za/ive_only_seen_babe_once_but_ive_said_thatll_do/
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I think I'm going to start an organization for people who think racism is bad but still laugh at racist jokes...

I'll call it the JKKK.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qr2vq/i_think_im_going_to_start_an_organization_for/
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I misplaced my watch at a disco

So I tried to find it.
I saw it on the dancefloor, being stood on by a guy. That's when I noticed that he was trying to grope her and she obviously wasn't enjoying it.
I walked up to him, tapped him on the back and delivered a swift kick to his balls. He fell over, moaning in pain.
The girl, looking rather relieved, asks why I did it.
I picked up my watch, slipped it on and replied "No-one does that to a girl. Not on my watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qr2pm/i_misplaced_my_watch_at_a_disco/
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how did the Imam order his dessert?

Allah mode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qqy7g/how_did_the_imam_order_his_dessert/
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If electricity follows the path of least resistance...

Why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qqv21/if_electricity_follows_the_path_of_least/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qqu4m/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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I think my boyfriend is a member of the KKK

Because he is a wizard under the sheets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qqtbx/i_think_my_boyfriend_is_a_member_of_the_kkk/
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What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

It's erotic if you use a feather, but it's kinky if you use the whole chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qqspk/whats_the_difference_between_erotic_and_kinky/
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A YouTuber, a facebooker and a redditor walk down a street

. They come to a barrier with a police man. The officer says: "You shall only pass when the sum of the length of your three penises together is higher than 13 inches.
He pulls out a large ruler. At first, it's the YouTuber's turn: 6,5". Good.
He goes to the facebooker and measures his dong: 6". Alright. Only half an inch needed!
The officer walks up to the redditor who opens up his pants and pulls it out. He's exactly 1 inch.
The officer says: "Alright, that would be 13,5 inches altogether. You can pass. Have a good day." And the group starts walking.
Five minutes pass and the redditor says: "Guys, we're sooo lucky I had a hard on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qqs9v/a_youtuber_a_facebooker_and_a_redditor_walk_down/
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Why is James Bond a terrible motivational speaker?

Because the audiences are shaken, not stirred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qqo7v/why_is_james_bond_a_terrible_motivational_speaker/
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What does laundry day and the 1950's have in common

Color separation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qqneh/what_does_laundry_day_and_the_1950s_have_in_common/
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Heard this one from a scientist last night

Two scientists walk into a bar:
“I’ll have an H2O.”
“I’ll have an H2O, too.”
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qqi44/heard_this_one_from_a_scientist_last_night/
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What does a dyslexic klan member hate?

Gingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qq7dd/what_does_a_dyslexic_klan_member_hate/
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A woman was out shopping one day with her son.

The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man."
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qq5wq/a_woman_was_out_shopping_one_day_with_her_son/
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My attempt at a Mitch Hedberg joke

"Why are people always having their pizzas delivered?  Just order them without liver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qq5p2/my_attempt_at_a_mitch_hedberg_joke/
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I saw a beautiful pumpkin today...

It was gourdeous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qq1du/i_saw_a_beautiful_pumpkin_today/
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Yo momma

s so ugly that even her dildo has to take Viagra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qq1d5/yo_momma/
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Delivery confirmation

“Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?”
“Yes, I’d like to hear a TCP joke.”
“OK, I’ll tell you a TCP joke.”
“Yes, I will hear a TCP joke.”
“Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?”
“Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.”
“Ok, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.”
“Ok, I am ready to get your TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have an explicit setting, and ends with a punchline.”
“I’m sorry, your connection has timed out. Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qpxzd/delivery_confirmation/
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I fell asleep in the shower last night

I guess you could say I had a few wet dreams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qpxg1/i_fell_asleep_in_the_shower_last_night/
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Gravity is just a myth.

We all know it's the white man keeping us down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qpsqq/gravity_is_just_a_myth/
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Bob's Gorilla Removal Service

So Fred wakes up one morning and strolls outside to pickup his newspaper, but before he can get to the end of the driveway, he looks up and notices a gigantic gorilla sitting in the tree in his front yard.  Terrified, Fred runs back inside and flips open his phone book.  After a long search, he finally finds a number for "Bob's Gorilla Removal Service".
*"Well, that's oddly specific"* He thinks, but he dials anyway.
"Bob's Gorilla Removal Service, Bob speaking."
Fred: "Oh thank God. Bob, I have a huge Gorilla in the tree in my front yard and I didn't know who else to call. Can you help me?"
Bob: "Sure I can, but I need to know one thing before I get there. Is it a boy gorilla or a girl gorilla?"
Fred:  "I...I don't know. Let me run and check...*(after a brief pause)*... Oh, it's *Definitely* a boy gorilla."
Bob: "Perfect. I'll be right over."
About a half hour later, Bob arrives and unloads his truck.  He lays out a ladder, a ten foot pole, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a 12 gauge shotgun.  A bit perplexed, Fred asks,
"I hate to question an expert, but what on earth are you going to do with all that?"
Bob:  "Well, I've been at this a long time and I can assure you this is the best way to catch a gorilla.  First, I'm going to climb this ladder up the tree. Then I'm going to take this pole and poke the gorilla until he falls. Next, Buddy here *points to the chihuahua* is trained to run right up to that gorilla and bite him square in nuts.  When the gorilla puts his hands down to protect himself, you slap the cuffs on him and I'll take him away in the truck."
Fred: "Well, I never would have guessed it, but that actually sounds like a great plan.  But wait, what's the shotgun for?"
Bob's casual demeanor drops, and suddenly he is deathly serious when he says: "If I fall off that ladder, you shoot that Fucking Dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qps9l/bobs_gorilla_removal_service/
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I don't know who this Rorschach guy is but.....

Why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qprrf/i_dont_know_who_this_rorschach_guy_is_but/
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Owls

The worst thing about owls is the way that they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qppqg/owls/
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My wife likes to talk to me after sex.

It really bugs me when she calls me from her hotel room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qpn0q/my_wife_likes_to_talk_to_me_after_sex/
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Marital Bliss! A police officer pulls over...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says,”Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting his wife says:  "Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!”
His wife smiles demurely and says, ”Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut!!"
The officer frowns and says, ”And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. "
The driver says, ”Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. "
His wife says, ”Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,    "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!!”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ”Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "
"Only when he's been drinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qpmpx/marital_bliss_a_police_officer_pulls_over/
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Two Newfies are moose hunting...

When they stop for a bite to eat. One newfie opens up a thermos and begins to pour out some soup.
"Whaddya got there George by?"
"Oh dis is me Thermos Steve by, keeps me hot stuff hot and me cold stuff cold! You should get one fer yerself by."
So the next day they are in the woods again and stopped for a snack. Steve hauls out the biggest thermos George has ever seen.
"Lord Jesus by thats some thermos ya got there Steve by!"
"Yes my son picked her up yesterday! Keeps me hot stuff hot and me cold stuff cold!"
"Yes by!" George says, "Whaddya got inside?"
"Two cups of tea and a popsicle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qplqf/two_newfies_are_moose_hunting/
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The Missus and the Ex

A man is at a party, chatting to John. Suddenly, his eyes widen and he quickly ducks under the buffet table. Curious, John asks him why he's hiding.
"Behind you... My wife's just found my ex."
John turns around to see the two women shrieking at each other, and promptly ducks under the table too.
"What the hell are you hiding for?"
"It's a small world."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qpk3r/the_missus_and_the_ex/
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A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qpjas/a_young_woman_was_taking_golf_lessons_and_had/
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Happy cat day! Here's my cat joke.

I bought my cat her first play tower.
When my friends came over they told me to stop putting pussy up on a pedestal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qphnv/happy_cat_day_heres_my_cat_joke/
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How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qpgf9/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
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Today I got told I am condescending.......

That means I talk down to people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qpg9l/today_i_got_told_i_am_condescending/
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Why is it so confusing to play chess with the British?

It's only check, mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qpeai/why_is_it_so_confusing_to_play_chess_with_the/
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Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.
The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks his mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"
The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qpdib/penis_contest/
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Why did the skeleton burp?

Because he didn't have the guts to fart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qpbnq/why_did_the_skeleton_burp/
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Blonde Walks Into A Shoe Store.

"How much for these shoes?" – she asked the store manager. "$200&#8243; – he replied. "That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?" – the blonde. The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled. "Fine. I will." – the blonde replied. After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qpbec/blonde_walks_into_a_shoe_store/
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Jim and Edna were both patients at a psychiatric hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged...since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Source: yahoo answers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qp9to/jim_and_edna_were_both_patients_at_a_psychiatric/
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What do you call an Transformer driving backward?

Dyslexicon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qp6co/what_do_you_call_an_transformer_driving_backward/
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I met the inventor of the crossword last week.

Can't remember his name. P something T something R.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qp295/i_met_the_inventor_of_the_crossword_last_week/
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Apple Stock

Apple's stock surges on announcement of two-child policy change in China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qp1t8/apple_stock/
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What do Canadian women put behind their ears to attract men?

Their ankles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qp1kd/what_do_canadian_women_put_behind_their_ears_to/
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An old farmer gets pulled over by a state trooper...

While the trooper is talking to him, he keeps swatting at a swarm of flies around him.
The farmer says “Having trouble with them circle flies, officer?”
The trooper says “Yeah– why do call them circle flies?”
The farmer says “Well they’re usually seen circling round the back end of horses.”
The trooper asks “Are you calling me a horse's ass?”
The farmer says “Oh no officer, I got too much respect for the police to do that. Hard to fool them circle flies though.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qp0fu/an_old_farmer_gets_pulled_over_by_a_state_trooper/
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A guy is sitting in a bar...

...having a drink and sees a beautiful girl across the way making eyes at him. He goes over and says:
- Excuse me, miss, may I buy you a drink?
- Sure, - she says, "have a seat."
The man sits down and they get to talking.
- You know, - the man says, - this is kind of a funny subject, but my wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed.
- REALLY?!?! - the girl says, - My boyfriend just left me because I was too kinky. Do you want to go back to my placae and get a little kinky?
So they finish their drinks and leave. When they get to the girls house, she says:
- Wait here I'm going to slip into something a little more kinky.
She comes out from her room wearing a leather teddy, with a whip in one hand and handcuffs in the other, but the guy is grabbing his coat and heading for the door. She says:
- Wait a minute, I thought we were going to get kinky!
He says:
- Jesus, lady I already shit in your purse and fucked your dog. What more do you want me to do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qp092/a_guy_is_sitting_in_a_bar/
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A woman has been married to her husband for ten years...

...and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.
One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love, and saw that he was using a dildo on her.
She says:
- Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!
The husband says:
- Okay, I'll explain. But first you explain the kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qoxoj/a_woman_has_been_married_to_her_husband_for_ten/
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Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.

The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qoxbj/two_vultures_board_an_airplane_each_carrying_two/
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Why did the computer programmer get stuck in the shower forever?

Because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said to "1. Lather  2. Rinse  3. Repeat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qoq1e/why_did_the_computer_programmer_get_stuck_in_the/
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I thought about buying a pocket calculator

and then I thought who care how many pockets I have

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qop0h/i_thought_about_buying_a_pocket_calculator/
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It's Mrs. Goat's first pregnancy...

and she is not having an easy time of it. After hours and hours of painful labor she's finally taken into the delivery with Mr Goat close by her side. During a particularly strong contraction Mrs. Goat looks up at Mr. Goat with pure hatred in her eyes and yells "I HATE YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU BASTARD! I'M NEVER LETTING YOU EVEN TOUCH ME EVER AGAIN!"
Mr. Goat is shocked and doesn't know what to say. The doctor catches his attention and winks at Mr. Goat.
"Don't pay any attention to her," he says. "She's just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qolri/its_mrs_goats_first_pregnancy/
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GYNECOLOGICAL ECHO

A woman goes to the gynecologist for an exam. She puts her feet into the stirrups and the doctor begins his exam.
After a moment, he says, "You have an unusually deep vagina."
The woman replies, "You don't have to say it twice."
The doctor says, "I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qoljw/gynecological_echo/
%
Why is Peter pan always flying?

Because he neverlands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qocfb/why_is_peter_pan_always_flying/
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A man dies and goes to Hell.

The devil greets him:
- You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room.
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.
- I choose this room!- the man says.
- Very well, - the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
- You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qo9xb/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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Get Married

Girl: When we get married,
I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you,
darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qo5yf/get_married/
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How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because PETA can't change anything.
-A joke I found inside the game manual for Super Meat Boy for Steam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qo4o5/how_many_peta_members_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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How does Harry Potter go down a hill? By walking.

JK. Rowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qo0ic/how_does_harry_potter_go_down_a_hill_by_walking/
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What did one orphan say to another?

"Robin, get to the bat mobile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qnzw1/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_another/
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What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qnzjd/what_does_a_necrophiliac_and_an_alcoholic_have_in/
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Twins.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qnyil/twins/
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qnygo/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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Lawyer

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qnx6d/lawyer/
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A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party.

The day of the party the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and messed around.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qntum/a_couple_was_invited_to_a_swanky_halloween_party/
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I fell off my bike 3 days in a row

Its a vicious cycle
I tried.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qntt2/i_fell_off_my_bike_3_days_in_a_row/
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What does a vegan zombie eat?

GGGRRRAAAIIINNNSSS!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qnigu/what_does_a_vegan_zombie_eat/
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I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat...

She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qnid4/i_asked_a_librarian_for_a_book_about_pavlovs_dogs/
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I cast a spell on a girl today and it actually worked!

I focused in on the girl and said "Virginus Protectus."
It worked because she walked away with a terrified look on her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qni78/i_cast_a_spell_on_a_girl_today_and_it_actually/
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An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"
The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"
"What is that?"
"It's liquor-ish"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qnfx8/an_alcoholic_walks_into_a_candy_store/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
Probably a murderer because it's 2015 and a normal human being would just text "here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qnd3q/knock_knock/
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I brought my gimp home from the club yesterday and took off his mask...

Oops, wrong sub!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qn7qp/i_brought_my_gimp_home_from_the_club_yesterday/
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What do you call cute seeds?

Awwwwwwwwwwwwmonds
P.S. it's my birthday please love me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qmy8f/what_do_you_call_cute_seeds/
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iPod Shuffle

Today, I was playing my iPod on shuffle. The song, "This is Not the End" by The Bravery came on. The next song was "This is the End" by She Wants Revenge. It was followed by "The End." by My Chemical Romance. As soon as the songs finished, the battery promptly died. I think my iPod left a suicide note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qmvhj/ipod_shuffle/
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Nailed It

Jesus has been crucified and reappears to his disciples. He tells them that he will grant them one wish before he ascends into heaven.
The disciples get together and confer. After much arguing Peter says "Could you do that walking on water thing again? It was so cool".
Jesus smiles, agrees and the next day they set out onto the sea of Galilee in Peter's boat. They stop far from the shore and Jesus steps off the side of the boat onto the water.
He immediately disappears under the surface and the disciples rush to drag him back into the boat. Jesus looks flustered, but vows to have a second go.
Once again he steps off the boat and sinks quickly below the surface. The disciples drag him back and apologize for having asked him to walk on water.
But Peter begins to doubt in the Messiah and can't help asking why Jesus can't repeat the miracle. "Oh, I can", Jesus insists, "at least I could before I had these fuckin holes in my feet".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qmtjs/nailed_it/
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Bras come in sizes A, B, C, etc. So what's the biggest bra?

The Zebra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qmtar/bras_come_in_sizes_a_b_c_etc_so_whats_the_biggest/
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The Conservation of the Letter R

Everytime a Bostonian "pahks his cah in the yahd", a Texan warshes something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qmq8j/the_conservation_of_the_letter_r/
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Two girls take a walk on a hot summer day.

They see an old lady sitting in front of her house eating watermelon. They notice she isn't wearing any panties. "Is it cooler without panties?" they ask. She says, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qmjmq/two_girls_take_a_walk_on_a_hot_summer_day/
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How do fish party?

Seaweed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qmiox/how_do_fish_party/
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Why couldn't the chameleon change colors?

Because it had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qmhhj/why_couldnt_the_chameleon_change_colors/
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What is the interior temperature of a Tauntaun?

Lukewarm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qmgh7/what_is_the_interior_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
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Guess my age

It's Linda's 40th birthday, so she heads down to the shops to pick up supplies for the birthday BBQ she's having with some friends later on that day.
She heads to the supermarket first, fills the trolley with booze, the heads to the check-out. At the till the man notices the 'Happy Birthday' badge pinned to her jumper, and says to her "Oh! It's your birthday? Many happy returns! How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Why don't you have a guess?" replies Linda.
The man looks at her for a second or two, the says  "33-34 years old?"
Linda's over the moon. "Well actually, I'm 40 today. But thank you ever so much, you've made my day!" she says, and, smiling, she heads over to the boutique on the corner to buy herself a new dress for the party.
The woman in the store also notices her badge, and asks her the same question - "How old are you today?" - to which Linda gives the same answer - "Why don't you have a guess?"
The store woman thinks for a moment, then hazards a guess at 36-37. Linda is again over the moon. "Well actually, I'm 40 today. But thank you ever so much, you've made my day!" she says, and, still smiling, she heads over to the butchers to get some fresh meat before heading home.
As before, the butcher notices the badge pinned to her chest, wishes her a happy birthday, and asks her "How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?"
Linda, fishing for another compliment, says to the butcher "Why don't you have a guess?"
The butcher looks her up and down, and comes round the counter for a closer inspection. He says to Linda, "Do you mind if I have a quick feel? I'm good with my hands, and can expertly age meat after so long in this business."
Linda, thinking he means to give her arms and hands a bit of a squeeze, is completely shocked when the butcher gives her tits a good hard squeeze, and is utterly lost for words when he lifts up her skirt and grasps her pussy firmly in his hand. Outraged, Linda pulls his hand away, and just as she's about to storm out of the shop the butcher says to her "You're 40". Linda stops dead, amazed.
"How did you know that?!"
The butcher replies, "I was behind you in the queue at the supermarket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qmfuk/guess_my_age/
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A cat gives birth in a public park...

...and is fined $50 for littering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qmccz/a_cat_gives_birth_in_a_public_park/
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Your wife and your lawyer are drowning, you have a decision to make....

Fish or chicken for dinner?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qmc7z/your_wife_and_your_lawyer_are_drowning_you_have_a/
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How many friend zoned guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They’ll just compliment it way too much and then get pissed when it won’t screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qmb2v/how_many_friend_zoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
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A blonde goes to the dry cleaners

She hands him her dress which has a huge stain in the front. She pays him and says "I need this dress for a party. So can you please get it cleaned by Thursday?"  Now the dry cleaner was very old and couldn't hear properly so he asks her "Come again?"
The blonde blushes furiously and says "No, it is mayonnaise this time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qmaww/a_blonde_goes_to_the_dry_cleaners/
%
I was going to be a quarterback for Halloween at work...

...but my boss said we couldn't be anything offensive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qm7ld/i_was_going_to_be_a_quarterback_for_halloween_at/
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Why did Hitler cross the street?

To get to the GENO-SIDE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qm655/why_did_hitler_cross_the_street/
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What's the hardest part about roller blading?

Telling your parents you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qm2wk/whats_the_hardest_part_about_roller_blading/
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A woman dropped a $10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'

I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qm0rh/a_woman_dropped_a_10_note_next_to_me_i_thought/
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What's a soldier's least favorite car company?

KIA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qlydp/whats_a_soldiers_least_favorite_car_company/
%
Throwing acid is wrong....

in some people's eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qlwse/throwing_acid_is_wrong/
%
I do pull ups to get girls...

and pull outs to not get one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qltqv/i_do_pull_ups_to_get_girls/
%
A hooker decides to marry...

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "This is true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qlokz/a_hooker_decides_to_marry/
%
An American soldier is deployed to Iraq...

An American soldier is deployed to Iraq around 2005. One of the first things he noticed upon arrival was that women walked about 10 paces behind their husbands. He had never seen this before and asked his commanding officer why they did that.
"Iraq isn't as advanced as the US and women don't have equal rights here, they must walk behind their men as a display of subservience." replied his CO.
Ten years passed and the soldier was once again deployed to Iraq, this time to fight the Islamic State. When he returned, however, he was surprised to see that the women now walked about 10 paces in front of the women. Figuring that some societal change must have occurred and elevated women's status, he decided to ask an Iraqi man what prompted the change.
The man replied, "landmines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qlkql/an_american_soldier_is_deployed_to_iraq/
%
A panda bear walks into a fancy bar...

The Panda Bear is seated at the finest table in the place and is greeted by the bar's best waitress. The Panda Bear orders the most expensive bottle of wine and steak on the menu.
As he finished his last bite of steak, the waitress asks, "How was your meal?" Without saying a word the Panda Bear pulls out a gun and and shoots the waitress and begins to walk out the door.
The owner of the bar quickly confronts the Panda and says, "What the hell did you shoot my best waitress for?!"
The Panda replies, "it's my nature" and walks out of the bar.
Stunned the resourceful owner runs to the back and grabs his encyclopedia and reads...Panda: large bear that eats shoots and leaves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qli3a/a_panda_bear_walks_into_a_fancy_bar/
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If Nike was founded by a women

Then the tag line would be "Just do it....If you want too...I dont want to force you...Its your life...anyways you never listen to me...Do whatever you want...Who am I to say"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ql42i/if_nike_was_founded_by_a_women/
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A man went to club one night, saw a fat girl dancing on the table and said "Nice Legs"

The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so!"
The man said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ql2da/a_man_went_to_club_one_night_saw_a_fat_girl/
%
How the nation of Canada got named.

There was much polite arguing about what to name the country. So they decided to draw letters from a hat. The first letter was a "C", so the announcer says "C, eh". The next letter drawn was an "N", and he says "N, eh"...
I told this joke on /r/politics recently, figured I would share it here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qkxcj/how_the_nation_of_canada_got_named/
%
What do you call a dog in a bun?

A subwoofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qkw46/what_do_you_call_a_dog_in_a_bun/
%
Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks?

Because his number couldn't fit in their phones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qkvs8/why_did_avogadro_have_trouble_picking_up_chicks/
%
the moon is a man because if it were a woman...

We would have blood moons once a month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qkvhi/the_moon_is_a_man_because_if_it_were_a_woman/
%
A man placed flowers on the grave

of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The man took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qkgy1/a_man_placed_flowers_on_the_grave/
%
Two men are sitting at a bar.

One impeccably dressed in an Armani suit, the other in his work clothes. The business man turns to the other and says
- I bought my wife a brand new BMW and a 5 carat diamond for mother's day".
The worker looks confused and say:
- Why two such extravagant gifts?
- Well...if she decides she doesn't like the ring she can drive her BMW back to Tiffany's and exchange it for what she would prefer.
- Oh" says the worker" I did something similar for my wife.
- How so?" says the business man
- Well I bought her a pair of slippers and a dildo.
The business man looked truly confused.
- Well..ye see..if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*** herself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qken2/two_men_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
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I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat

The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qkd6g/i_went_to_the_library_and_asked_for_a_book_on/
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Girl, you’re like speeding in a construction zone…

Double Fine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qkbp2/girl_youre_like_speeding_in_a_construction_zone/
%
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qkaoy/what_do_prime_numbers_and_stoners_have_in_common/
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I like my men like I like my farts.

The strong, silent type.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qk8n5/i_like_my_men_like_i_like_my_farts/
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Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?

To stop it from falling out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qk6gq/why_do_you_need_to_carry_radioactive_materials_in/
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How do you tell X chromosomes from Y chromosomes?

You pull down their genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qk3d4/how_do_you_tell_x_chromosomes_from_y_chromosomes/
%
What's the difference between a herpes and jacuzzi?

i let women know that i have a jacuzzi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qk24q/whats_the_difference_between_a_herpes_and_jacuzzi/
%
My girlfriend's angry because I got drunk and did a shit on the roof.

Please tell me, how can I wipe the slate clean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qk20c/my_girlfriends_angry_because_i_got_drunk_and_did/
%
What's the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer balls, they're under a buck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjz6m/whats_the_cheapest_kind_of_meat/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjyuw/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Teacher: "Kids,

what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjx3n/teacher_kids/
%
Little Johnny needed to go to the bathroom

So he told his mother "I need to poop!"
The mother was entertaining a bunch of friends and was clearly embarrassed to hear this out loud. So Johnny's mother leaned in and says "Next time you need to poop, say you need to whisper."
It was late night and the mother had gone to sleep. Little Johnny waddles into her room, and says to her "Mommy! I need to go whisper!" Dazed, the mother slurs "If you need to whisper, go do it in daddy's ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjw9j/little_johnny_needed_to_go_to_the_bathroom/
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How do you end a prayer to the Noodle God?

Ramen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjvj4/how_do_you_end_a_prayer_to_the_noodle_god/
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Did you hear about the monkey that ate the cue ball?

A man is sitting in a bar with his monkey. (Ahhh, this old story!)  The monkey jumps onto the pool table and grabs the cue ball, and immediately sticks it in his mouth and eats it.  No big deal.
A few nights later, the man and the monkey are back in the same bar, and the bartender offers the monkey a grape.  The monkey takes the grape in his paw, and proceeds to stick it up his ass.  He then takes it out of his ass and eats it.
The bartender is shocked and asks the man why his monkey would do that.  The man replies, "Ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything before he eats it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qju5o/did_you_hear_about_the_monkey_that_ate_the_cue/
%
A married couple is driving down the highway doing 80km/h..

The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife looks
over at him and says, "Honey, I know
we've been married for 15 years, but, I
want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly
increases speed to 100km/h.
She then says, "I don't want you to try
to talk me out of it, because I've been
having an affair with your best friend,
and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just
speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing
120km/h.
She says, "I want the kids too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and
faster, now he's up to 140km/h.
She says, "I want the car, the checking
account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer
toward a bridge overpass piling, as she
says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got
everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they
hit the wall at 200km/h, "I've got the
airbag!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjr6s/a_married_couple_is_driving_down_the_highway/
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2 Black Eyes

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjqi7/2_black_eyes/
%
Dog walking is by far the easiest job I've done..

It was a walk in the park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjo15/dog_walking_is_by_far_the_easiest_job_ive_done/
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Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve

. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, ‘How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: ‘They're Carol's.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjn2n/three_men_die_in_a_car_accident_on_christmas_eve/
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Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree...

The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting... I'm going to put it in the living room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjm2z/last_christmas_we_bought_a_fake_christmas_tree/
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A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away.

Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade.
A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone.
"Oh no! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
"We were just one day out to sea, when Towards hooked a great fish. He fought long and hard, but he was pulled over the side and swallowed whole by the fish."
"Oh dear, what a huge, horrible fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjlfn/a_fisherman_and_his_wife_had_twin_sons_named/
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The First 3 Years of Marriage.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjim1/the_first_3_years_of_marriage/
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Little boy asked his father

'Daddy, what does a vagina look like?'
The father thinks for a moment, then responds, "well son, that depends. before sex, or after sex?"
The little boy has no idea, so confusedly says, "umm.. both i guess."
"Well son, before sex, the vagina is like a fragrant flower. Soft, gentle and full of beauty."
"Ok daddy.. what about after sex?"
"well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjila/little_boy_asked_his_father/
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Wearing Your Wedding!

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qji4z/wearing_your_wedding/
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Headache and testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried  the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjgxf/headache_and_testicles/
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Why did Steve hate being the youngest clone?

Because all his genes were hand me downs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjgig/why_did_steve_hate_being_the_youngest_clone/
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Engineer goes to Hell...

The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell.
Satan quickly introduces himself. "Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have one of my demons phone him right away. In the mean time, well, there isn't much, but if you want to amuse yourself, i can help you with that."
The engineer thinks for a moment, and then says, "You know, it is extremely hot down here. I'd love to build a large AC unit. Do you have the materials?"
Satan says, "Well, yes, we have all manners of metals due to our location under the Earth's crust. Have at it."
The engineer, after 3 days of heavy work, finishes his Hell-wide AC and turns it on. After 3 hours, the temperature has finally reached a more desirable 78 degrees, and Hell is much less hellish. Satan is highly impressed. "Nice work, i didn't think this was even possible! Sorry to say, though, St. Peter refuses to admit he messed up. Since you made this AC happen, I'll let you do whatever you want."
The engineer thinks, and says, "You now it's also really dark and dim with just the lava flows. Have the materials for a lighting system?" Satan says, "Of course! God sent some heavenly light once but i never could figure out how it worked. Here's the instructions."
2 days later, the heavenly light had been configured to brightly light Hell. Productivity was way up and now Hell was not so bad anymore. Satan tells the engineer,  "I like you, bud! Tell you what, you can live like a king. Got a room in my castle for you. Everything you could ever want is there."
At this point, several angels had reviewed the engineer's life and informed God of St. Peter's mistake. God hastily adds the engineer to the Heaven list. He calls Satan and asks for the engineer.
Satan says, "No way, man! Hell has never been so nice before him. We have lighting, cooling, and now he's tinkering with machines that haven't worked since your son went to Earth! I'm keeping him."
God immediately responds, "He is a good man, though! He belongs in Heaven. It is only right! If you will not return him, I'll have to take you to court."
Satan laughs, and says, "Oh, and just where will you find a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qjcvc/engineer_goes_to_hell/
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My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop eating Pasta

Now I'm feeling cannelloni

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qj7kz/my_wife_said_shed_leave_me_if_i_didnt_stop_eating/
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Why do engineers mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31=DEC 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qj5n8/why_do_engineers_mix_up_halloween_and_christmas/
%
How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qj46v/how_did_the_butcher_introduce_his_wife/
%
Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

Because he keeps getting nailed to the boards!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qj2zd/why_is_jesus_so_bad_at_hockey/
%
A man calls 911 when he can't decide between two women.

He was doing the online dating thing, got his calendar mixed up and had two girls show up at his place on the same night.
He's a pretty good looking guy so both girls wanted to be his date for the night and eventually it turned into quite the cat fight.
So he calls 911 and the operator answers with "911, what's your emergency?"
He replies; "I've got two girls in my house and they're fighting over who gets to go out with me."
The 911 operator comes back with; "Sir, I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound like much of an emergency to me."
And he responds with; "But you don't understand. The ugly one is winning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qj26d/a_man_calls_911_when_he_cant_decide_between_two/
%
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool...

The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE
MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"
With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"
The bartender, puzzled, said no.
The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qiu47/a_duck_waddles_into_a_bar_and_hops_on_a_stool/
%
A nurse reached into her pocket looking for her pen

and found a rectal thermometer instead. She turned to her colleague and said "some asshole has got my pen".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qitu3/a_nurse_reached_into_her_pocket_looking_for_her/
%
Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qit8f/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_hated/
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The Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said,
'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qio2m/the_commandments/
%
So, a priest goes to mechanic to get tires rotated on his car...

...as car is about to be lowered from the lift, priest ask his mechanic:
"Are those lugnuts tight enough?"
*"Tighter than nun's cunt, father"*
"You best give them another tug then, son""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qinv2/so_a_priest_goes_to_mechanic_to_get_tires_rotated/
%
What do you call a morbidly obese person who can predict the future?

A four-chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qigtx/what_do_you_call_a_morbidly_obese_person_who_can/
%
What did the Scotsman say when he went for another drink?

"Hey, where'd my Glascow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qieb1/what_did_the_scotsman_say_when_he_went_for/
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Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math with calculations.  His dog was named T-square.  He told the dog to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle which the dog did with finesse.  The accountant said he thought his dog was better.  His dog was named Slide-rule. He told the dog to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three which the dog did with ease.  The chemist said that was good, but he allowed his dog could do better.  He told his dog named Measure to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces in a ten ounce glass.  The dog did this immediately.  All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart.  They all turned to the union member and said, "what can your dog do?"  the union man called his dog who was named Coffee Break and said "show the fellows what you can do."  Coffee Break promptly ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe work conditions, applied for workman's compensation and left for home on sick leave.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qi9hp/four_workers_were_discussing_how_smart_their_dogs/
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Dad walks in on son fapping

He says,"Son that'll make you go blind!"
The young man says,"Dad I'm over here, that's a lamp."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qi4tq/dad_walks_in_on_son_fapping/
%
What did the nihilist wish for on his birthday?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qi1gn/what_did_the_nihilist_wish_for_on_his_birthday/
%
Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qhw3l/why_is_air_a_lot_like_sex/
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What letter has to wait in line the longest?

Q

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qhv08/what_letter_has_to_wait_in_line_the_longest/
%
How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard of hearing?

HEY! DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qhu5b/how_do_you_sell_a_chicken_to_someone_who_is_hard/
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Whale dad joke

'Dad, where did I come from?'
'From my penis'
'Oh...thanks.'
'You're whalecum.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qhtdo/whale_dad_joke/
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Just a reminder: please do not post any jokes regarding the German highway system.

You will be Autobahn'd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qhrjy/just_a_reminder_please_do_not_post_any_jokes/
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I bought a female horse around 10pm

What a night mare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qhrgn/i_bought_a_female_horse_around_10pm/
%
Why did the snowman smile?

He heard that the snow-blower was in town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qhqy4/why_did_the_snowman_smile/
%
Why was the dildo company so successful?

Good product placement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qhnyo/why_was_the_dildo_company_so_successful/
%
There was a storm...

There was a storm, and the flood waters started rising. Everyone began to evacuate except for one man, who decided to stay behind on his roof.
When the flood waters were still relatively low, a truck came up and offered to take him to safety.
"No no," said the man. "God will save me."
Later on, as the flood waters were a little higher, a boat came up and offered to rescue him.
"It's okay," said the man. "God will save me."
Finally, as the waters submerged his house and he was on the verge of drowning, a helicopter arrived and offered to take him to safety.
"I need not your help," he said, struggling to keep his head afloat. "God will take care of me."
Eventually he gave out and drowned, and was sent to heaven, where he met God.
"Why didn't you save me?" he inquired to God.
"What do you mean, I tried saving you three times!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qhn4h/there_was_a_storm/
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Three blondes are out on a hike...

when they come across some tracks. The first one quickly says "Let's get out of here, those are mountain lion tracks." The second one says "Don't be silly, those are deer tracks." The third one says "I think you're both wrong, but I'm no expert" right before they all got hit by a train

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qhktr/three_blondes_are_out_on_a_hike/
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Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...

The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qhe0q/getting_tired_of_these_people_who_come_to_my_door/
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What's the sound that a French tank does just before the enemy frontline attacks?

Beep Beep Beep...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qhb39/whats_the_sound_that_a_french_tank_does_just/
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I had a wooden whistle...

And it wooden whistle. So, I got a steel whistle and it steel wooden whistle. Finally I got a tin whistle, now I tin whistle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qh94q/i_had_a_wooden_whistle/
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A woman once received a wooden breast implant

It'd be nice if this joke had a punchline
Wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qh8op/a_woman_once_received_a_wooden_breast_implant/
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A cop amd a little girl

A Cop on horse says to little girl on bike,
"Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
**Edit** and not amd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qh2le/a_cop_amd_a_little_girl/
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Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"

Mom: *staring at dad
Dad: ...*clenches fists
Mom: ...don't!
Dad: *sweats profusely
Mom:
Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD
Kudos to @Lerky on Twitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qh018/son_mom_dad_im_gay/
%
When I die I want my body to be donated to science

...but more specifically, a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qgq2r/when_i_die_i_want_my_body_to_be_donated_to_science/
%
How many Mormons does it take to drink a 12 pack of beer?

One if nobody is watching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qgn0c/how_many_mormons_does_it_take_to_drink_a_12_pack/
%
Why are jews afraid to eat pussy?

because its too close to the gas chamber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qgjmn/why_are_jews_afraid_to_eat_pussy/
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*Tips fedora at a mosquito*

M'laria

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qggz0/tips_fedora_at_a_mosquito/
%
Why can't Helen Keller drive?

...Because she's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qgfgb/why_cant_helen_keller_drive/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the "P" is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qgdf5/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
Ever since I was a kid I had always wanted to be a door to door salesman...

But then I found it's a hard knock life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qgbet/ever_since_i_was_a_kid_i_had_always_wanted_to_be/
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I was frozen down to absolute zero yesterday...

Don't worry, I was 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qgadv/i_was_frozen_down_to_absolute_zero_yesterday/
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My Old Teammate Ron.

So when I was in high school we had a standout basketball player (Ron) who was destined to be in the NBA in his life. As a sophomore, he was 6'7" 230, super athletic and was a star in any sport he played, but he loved basketball the most. One night he was out celebrating after a win and his buddy was driving drunk and wrecked. Ron wasn't wearing his seat belt and was thrown from the vehicle. He suffered a lot of serious injuries, but what was devastating was that they had to amputate his arms as they had nearly ripped off from rolling on the pavement. The whole community was so devastated because everyone had such high hopes for him and his future.
Ron was a determined kid though and he vowed to play basketball again.
After almost a year of PT and countless hours in his driveway with his dad practicing, he learned how to headbutt the ball into the basket, and utilize his long legs and strong torso to play defense. Needless to say, we all kinda chuckled (not in a mean way, we're not savages) when he said he was going to try out for the team again. His determined look told us he wasn't kidding, so we went to his tryout to see how he'd do. We were shocked to see the agility he had, and his precise "header shots" as he called them. He actually beat me 1 on 1 later that day in a pick up game. I wasn't a standout, but I could generally hold my own against similar competition. He had these really small stubs that he used to dribble and I have no clue how he pulled the rest off.
Anyways, we were playing in our final game of the year, if we won we'd go to states to compete and everyone was nervous. Ron was simply amazing that game. He put up over 30 points and had 12 assists but towards the end of the game we were only up by 1 point. There were only 7 seconds left on the clock and the opposing team was in-bounding the ball. Somehow the guy I was guarding ran around a screen and I tripped giving him a wide open lane to the basket. I felt sick. The ball immediately went to him and as he drove to the hoop we all see Ron flying across the court. As he pulls his arm up to lay the ball in, Ron dropkicks this kid right into the padding behind the hoop. It was one of the dirtiest plays I've ever seen. The kid goes flailing, the ball bounces awkwardly off the rim and his the ground and the time expires. The whole gymnasium was silent waiting to hear the ref's whistle and see the free throws that would surely tie or end the game, but only the subtle chatter of the refs could be heard followed by a quick whistle to signal the end of the game.
That's when he lost it. The other coach was vehemently screaming at the top of his lungs, flailing his arms, kicking chairs, making a mess, but the ref just looked at him and shook his head and uttered the phrase I'll always remember. The one that sealed our victory, "Sorry coach, No arm, no foul".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qg9p2/my_old_teammate_ron/
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What is the temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qg9if/what_is_the_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
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One night a burglar broke into my house

All he got was practice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qg4bu/one_night_a_burglar_broke_into_my_house/
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What's a pedos favourite key?

A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qg3wg/whats_a_pedos_favourite_key/
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Two really plastered 40 year old Virgins walked into a whore house

They really wanted to get some booty and asked the madam for two hookers. The madam of the house asked them to take a seat and have a drink while she arranged their requests. She thought to herself that these men were so waisted that it didn't matter what type of women they used. She collected two inflateable dolls and put one in each of the two rooms.
The two men were then immidiately escorted to their rooms for the night.
The next day while they were leaving one man says to the other:
- Last night was the worst time ever! I just layed there all night waiting for the girl to make her move and she never did!
The other man said to his friend
- That's nothing, my woman was a witch! I leaned over to give her a love bite on her neck and she farted then flew out the window!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qg1no/two_really_plastered_40_year_old_virgins_walked/
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A Golden Oldie Blonde joke...

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then…”
He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qg15t/a_golden_oldie_blonde_joke/
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How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qfp6m/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Choose Your Death

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.
The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.
The Irishman says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Irishman takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.
The chief screams, "What are you doing?"
He looks at the chief and says, "Fuck your canoe, asshole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qfnk8/choose_your_death/
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The main lumberjack at my company does some minor computer hacking in his spare time...

...he's our key logger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qfm2t/the_main_lumberjack_at_my_company_does_some_minor/
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Three Nuns Get Quizzed In Heaven

Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in.
The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." Lights flash and the gates open.
The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Puzzled, the nun is says, "Hmmm, that's a hard one." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qflxu/three_nuns_get_quizzed_in_heaven/
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Oscar Pistorius is to spend the next four years living at his uncle's house..

Oscar Pistorius is to spend the next four years living at his uncle's house.
I bet his uncle's shitting himself.
Because it's safer than going to the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qflwe/oscar_pistorius_is_to_spend_the_next_four_years/
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Why should you always invite more than one Baptist on a fishing trip?

Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qfkjc/why_should_you_always_invite_more_than_one/
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An old man sitting on his porch...

An old man is sitting outside on his porch smoking a cigar, and his grandson comes up and asks "Hey grandpa can I have a puff of your cigar?" the Grandpa replies "Does your dick reach your ass hole?" He replies no. The grandpa says "sorry than you can't have a puff of my cigar"
The next day the grandpa is sitting outside on his porch drinking a beer and his grandson comes up and asks "Hey Grandpa can I have a swig of your beer?" Grandpa replies "Does your dick reach your ass hole?" He says no and walks away...
A couple days go by and the grandson is sitting outside on the porch eating cookies... The Grandpa comes up and asks hey grandson can I have a cookie? His grandson replies "does your dick touch your ass hole" the Grandpa replies "Yes"... His grandson looks him in the eye and says "Well then go fuck yourself, grandma made these for me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qfj1i/an_old_man_sitting_on_his_porch/
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Why did Satan need life alert?

Because he had fallen, and could not get back up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qfi2k/why_did_satan_need_life_alert/
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What is a Canadian's favorite board game?

Sorry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qff29/what_is_a_canadians_favorite_board_game/
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My favorite Knock Knock Joke.

"Knock Knock"
"who's there"
"I got up"
"I got up who?"
"then the bathrooms over there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qfdvv/my_favorite_knock_knock_joke/
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[DJ] A man dug three holes and said....

Well, well, well...
Yes [DJ] = Dad Joke warning
It's honestly my dad's favorite joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qfbie/dj_a_man_dug_three_holes_and_said/
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I was craving a soda this morning in school, but I couldn't afford one..

I was soda pressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qfbc1/i_was_craving_a_soda_this_morning_in_school_but_i/
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What small plant is used in war?

The millitree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qfanl/what_small_plant_is_used_in_war/
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Sex after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qf8d7/sex_after_surgery/
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Ouch!

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhea...d took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qf4c1/ouch/
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"Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised.
While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear,
"Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear,
"Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said,
"Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were both parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qf17u/driver_i_believe_that_i_was_sexually_harassed/
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I'm addicted to having money in the bank.

And I really do suffer from withdrawals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qex8c/im_addicted_to_having_money_in_the_bank/
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How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. He is drunk, and he tells the bulb to screw itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qewpe/how_many_irishmen_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call a dumb elephant?

Donald Trunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qen47/what_do_you_call_a_dumb_elephant/
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Why did the cannibal stab the chef with a toothpick?

To see if he was done cooking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qekxk/why_did_the_cannibal_stab_the_chef_with_a/
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How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar?

Total internal reflection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qeg1a/how_is_a_meditating_monk_and_a_fiberoptic_cable/
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What's a mod's favorite food?

Bancakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qee5s/whats_a_mods_favorite_food/
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qec4e/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do_may/
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What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?

They are both living off of dead beatles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qeavw/what_do_ethiopians_and_yoko_ono_have_in_common/
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unbelievable job seeker

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qe4si/unbelievable_job_seeker/
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How many vegetarians does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One, if no one's looking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdxxa/how_many_vegetarians_does_it_take_to_eat_a_bacon/
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How to fall down stairs

Step 1
Step 6
Step 7,8,9,11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdxub/how_to_fall_down_stairs/
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What do a priest and McDonald's have in common?... [NSFW]

Both stick their meat in 10 year old buns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdvvk/what_do_a_priest_and_mcdonalds_have_in_common_nsfw/
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Today I gave my dead batteries away....

Free of charge!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdvb0/today_i_gave_my_dead_batteries_away/
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Why did the brake pedal see a therapist?

Because it was depressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdv0g/why_did_the_brake_pedal_see_a_therapist/
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What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?

If you weren't so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdu3j/what_did_one_strawberry_say_to_the_other/
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You know what they say.Once you go black....

you're a single mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdpae/you_know_what_they_sayonce_you_go_black/
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Yesterday my girlfriend started to smoke...

So I slowed down and added some lube.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdo52/yesterday_my_girlfriend_started_to_smoke/
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I've always stood up for black people.

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdo13/ive_always_stood_up_for_black_people/
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U.S healthcare

Bam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdng8/us_healthcare/
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Two cows are standing around talking...

"Hey, have you been following the news? All this mad cow disease going around is scary!"
"Yeah! Thank god we're elephants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdn9j/two_cows_are_standing_around_talking/
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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.

She says, "Show me it's true what they say about black men."
So he stabs her and steals her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdkjs/a_black_man_takes_a_girl_home_from_a_nightclub/
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What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?

U.C.L.A

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdhil/what_happens_when_the_smog_lifts_in_los_angeles/
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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" (NSFW)

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdh08/the_teacher_asked_jimmy_why_is_your_cat_at_school/
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I'm not saying that girl's a slut...

But she has touched more wieners than Heinz ketchup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdfqk/im_not_saying_that_girls_a_slut/
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What do you call a repost in /r/Jokes

All of them
(Probably has been done before, but I haven't seen it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdc95/what_do_you_call_a_repost_in_rjokes/
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My roommate from California was homesick

So I stole his water bottle to make him feel more at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qdbnu/my_roommate_from_california_was_homesick/
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What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?

Beef strokanoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qd7h4/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_masturbating_cattle/
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JUST Jokes::MAD COW CONCERN::

A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.
"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qd6jh/just_jokesmad_cow_concern/
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If iron man and silver surfer teamed up...

They'd be alloys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qd2dg/if_iron_man_and_silver_surfer_teamed_up/
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3 midgets were at a Guinness convention...

They were all enjoying themselves checking out all the broken records and record holders. After a few hours of browsing one of them gets an idea and says to the others that they should all try and break records. After some hard thinking the first one looks at his hands and says
"You know guys I think I have the worlds smallest hands!"
After some words of encouragement he leaves his friends and makes his way to the judges table to see if hes the record breaker. After a short while he returned to his friends and after revealing hes the record breaker all three cheer with joy.
The second friend then looks at his feet and with a smile on his face announces he's going to see if he has the worlds smallest feet.   Excited, he makes his way to the judges table to get measured. A short while later he returns to the same welcome of cheers as he holds his record certificate up to show his friends.
Full of joy that 2 of them had broken records already, all eyes were on the third friend. He thinks for a minute then timidly says
"You know guys this is embarrassing but I think I have the worlds smallest penis."
"Who cares!" one of his friends exclaims "Were all breaking records today!"
With the embarrassment subsided he goes off to find out if he has the smallest penis. A few minutes later his friends see him returning with a very angry expression. Not quite sure what happened they ask
"What happened did you break the record!?!?
"No." He replies
"What...how?" they ask
"WHO THE FUCK IS DONALD TRUMP!?!?!?"
----Joke works better with a group of people using someones name from that group. Donald trump was just a place filler.------

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qcuhq/3_midgets_were_at_a_guinness_convention/
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Monica Lewinsky is going to vote for Bernie

The last time a Clinton was in office it left a bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qcslz/monica_lewinsky_is_going_to_vote_for_bernie/
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Why do woman make terrible truck drivers?

Because you give them one good load and it takes them nine months to deliver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qcm5h/why_do_woman_make_terrible_truck_drivers/
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Every now and then I see something that brings a little tear to my eye.

Last night it was my wife wearing her strap on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qcky8/every_now_and_then_i_see_something_that_brings_a/
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My wife had it coming.

So I was sitting down to dinner with my wife, talking about reading books.
I said, "Who has time to read books?"
She replied, "you could read more if you weren't on Reddit."
Well she was right but I couldn't leave it at that, so I said.
"Honey, how can I read a book if I've already Reddit?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qcil2/my_wife_had_it_coming/
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How cute does one have to be to make sparks fly?

Electro cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qcfzo/how_cute_does_one_have_to_be_to_make_sparks_fly/
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The worst thing about having tourettes...

People are always expecting you to say something funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qcf24/the_worst_thing_about_having_tourettes/
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Ever had Ethiopian food?

Well, neither have they!
Seriously though, donate if you can.
https://donate.feedthechildren.org

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qc759/ever_had_ethiopian_food/
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How was the Red Sea formed?

Over a long period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qc6tf/how_was_the_red_sea_formed/
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My Teacher in 3rd grade

My teacher, Ms. Dupree, would walk in the classroom with something behind her back and then would give clues as to what she was hiding and we would have to guess what it was. The first day she said "I have something round, red, and it has a green leaf on it." We said "Its an Apple!" She replied "No, it's a Tomato, but I like your imagination!" The next day she says "I have something long and yellow." We say "A Banana!" She says "No, a squash, but I like your imagination!" The 3rd day She walks in and I call out "Teacher, Teacher, let me give it a try" Ok Recneps, she says. I then stand up in my chair put my hand down my pocket real deep and I say "I have something round, hard and it has a head on it" she says "Go to the principals office!" I looked and her straight in the eye and reply "No! It's a Quarter, but I like your imagination! (wink)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qc52q/my_teacher_in_3rd_grade/
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What did one Egyptian say to the other Egyptian after they both farted?

Hey we have a toot in common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qc1v6/what_did_one_egyptian_say_to_the_other_egyptian/
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All my life I've refused to wear perfume.

But then an aggressive perfume-salesperson knocked some scents into me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qby79/all_my_life_ive_refused_to_wear_perfume/
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What's the difference between a pianist and a penis?

One tickles the ivories and one tickles the ovaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qbujt/whats_the_difference_between_a_pianist_and_a_penis/
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A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician

go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qbtph/a_physicist_an_engineer_and_a_statistician/
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I have a problem with taking things literally.

My attorney advises me that it's called 'theft'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qbrj9/i_have_a_problem_with_taking_things_literally/
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Dogs are like books

The more you like them, the harder they are to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qbppt/dogs_are_like_books/
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Tried to Select a Password

WEBSITE: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
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USER: boiled cabbage
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USER: 1 boiled cabbage
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USER: 50fuckingboiledcabbages
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one consecutive upper case character.
USER: 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation
USER: 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WEBSITE: That password is already in use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qbffz/tried_to_select_a_password/
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If you want to be a good DJ...

You have to start from scratch
Thank you! I'm here all week!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qbdsi/if_you_want_to_be_a_good_dj/
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The king of france...[NSFW]

...The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge.
They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.
The king of France drops his and the French crowd shout "viva la france!!"
The king of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la españa!!"
The king of England drops his, a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts "God save the Queen!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qbdqs/the_king_of_francensfw/
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I had to put my dog down today.

My arms were getting tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qb50z/i_had_to_put_my_dog_down_today/
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Why can't a Mac sing?

Because it's not Adele

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qb2k3/why_cant_a_mac_sing/
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Why was the programmer's code incomprehensible?

No comment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qb1e5/why_was_the_programmers_code_incomprehensible/
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I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger

And then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qavxm/i_was_wondering_why_the_baseball_was_getting/
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What kind of music do balloons hate the most?

Pop music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qaufm/what_kind_of_music_do_balloons_hate_the_most/
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I don't know why people use odorless deodorant

It makes no scents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qas2q/i_dont_know_why_people_use_odorless_deodorant/
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My friend was arrested after carving equations into blocks of quartz

He was charged with manufacture of crystal math

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qarc8/my_friend_was_arrested_after_carving_equations/
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I had my first date last night!

Such an underrated fruit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qaj3s/i_had_my_first_date_last_night/
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What does the janitor say when he jumps out of the closet?

supplies!!!!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qaia9/what_does_the_janitor_say_when_he_jumps_out_of/
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Nick the Dragon slayer...

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1, 000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of thousand gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
Continued......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qai05/nick_the_dragon_slayer/
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Why does ed not have a girlfriend?

Because sheeran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qagcl/why_does_ed_not_have_a_girlfriend/
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Fire! Fire!

A firefighter came home from work one day and said to his wife,
"You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse"
"When Bell 1 rings we all put on our jackets"
"When Bell 2 rings we all slide down the pole"
"When Bell 3 rings we're ready to get on the truck"
Then he said, "From now on, we're going to run this house the same way."
"When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked"
"When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed"
"When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night long"
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled,
"Bell 1!" His wife took off her clothes.
"Bell 2!" His wife jumped into bed.
"Bell 3!" and they began making love.
After a few minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
The husband asks, "What the hell is Bell 4?"
His wife replies, "More hose! You're nowhere near the fire!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qagcj/fire_fire/
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College dorms

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50. "
He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions? "
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qafvm/college_dorms/
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I asked a librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat.

She said it ringed a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qadda/i_asked_a_librarian_for_a_book_on_pavlovs_dog_and/
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College Level Logic

Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, having a brew.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college
and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English,History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're gay... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qabob/college_level_logic/
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An oldie but a goodie. A Methodist minister, a Presbyterian minister, and a Baptist preacher were on a trip together with their wives ...

... when they all were killed in a traffic accident.  They arrived at the pearly gates at the same time, and stood staring at each other for a minute.  Finally the Methodist minister goes up to St Peter and asks to be let in.
St Peter looks at his book and says, "It says here I can't let you in.  All your life, you loved alcohol.  In fact you loved alcohol so much that you wouldn't marry a woman unless her name was Sherry."
The Methodist minister walks away, dejected.  The Presbyterian minister then walked up.
St Peter says, "I can't believe I got two in a row.  I can't let you in here, either.  All your life, you loved money.  In fact, you loved money so much, that you wouldn't marry a woman unless her name was Penny."
The whole time, the Baptist preacher has been watching and listening. As the Presbyterian minister walked away from the pearly gates, the Baptist preacher looked at his wife and said, "Well, hell ... we may as well walk out with him, Fanny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qa8lh/an_oldie_but_a_goodie_a_methodist_minister_a/
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The first time I introduced a girlfriend to my grandpa.

"What's your name again?"
"Claudia."
"Oh *Claudia*. I'm sorry my dear, I won't forget it again. Claudia may I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Do you know the difference between sex and breakfast?"
"...Um, no.?"
"Would you like to have breakfast sometime?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qa7z0/the_first_time_i_introduced_a_girlfriend_to_my/
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My Girlfriend told me she had an STD

Gonorrhoea-valuate our relationship now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qa77g/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_had_an_std/
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What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qa4nu/whats_the_difference_between_outlaws_and_inlaws/
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How is a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qa1pn/how_is_a_man_like_a_snowstorm/
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I broke my can opener....

.... I guess it was a can't opener.
Source: happened when I tried to open a can of soup this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qa0n5/i_broke_my_can_opener/
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A woman goes to her doctor complaining that every time her husband comes home from drinking he beats her......

The doctor says that next time he comes home, open a bud light, take a swig and keep it in her mouth as long as possible without swallowing. Wife says ok and heads home
Two days later she is back and tells the doctor that it work amazingly, her husband came home drunk, so she grabbed the bud light, took as swig and kept it in her mouth for nearly ten minutes, her husband didn't hit her once!
Doctor looks at her and says "amazing what happens when you keep your mouth shut"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qa0er/a_woman_goes_to_her_doctor_complaining_that_every/
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How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qa0dh/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_obiwan_kenobi_was/
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How did the massage therapist lose all of his customers?

He rubbed them all the wrong way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q9zho/how_did_the_massage_therapist_lose_all_of_his/
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What do you call a mouse with no balls?

Optical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q9u9n/what_do_you_call_a_mouse_with_no_balls/
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I'm emotionally constipated

I haven't given a shit in days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q9rgs/im_emotionally_constipated/
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I was making fun of some sodium chloride and

ended up being charged with aggravating a salt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q9q2m/i_was_making_fun_of_some_sodium_chloride_and/
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A man is sitting in the dock at court.

The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q9p9z/a_man_is_sitting_in_the_dock_at_court/
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This is your captain speaking...

**AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q9ne9/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
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Describe yourself in three words...

Lazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q9mes/describe_yourself_in_three_words/
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What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas

Gloves. Only joking he's not opened his presents yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q9jci/what_did_the_boy_with_no_hands_get_for_christmas/
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Julius Caesar goes into a bar...

... and asks for a martinus. Puzzled, the bartender asks,
"Do you mean a martini?"
"No. Just one, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q9g4z/julius_caesar_goes_into_a_bar/
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A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him

Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works
Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it
Only then does the coffin' stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q963r/a_man_walking_in_the_street_sees_a_coffin/
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If your phone gets wet, try placing it in a bag of rice...

... at night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q95ui/if_your_phone_gets_wet_try_placing_it_in_a_bag_of/
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A logician's wife is about to give birth

She gives birth and they hand the baby to the logician. The wife asks "Is it a boy or a girl?", he replies "Yes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q92f6/a_logicians_wife_is_about_to_give_birth/
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Why do Communists drink herbal tea?

Because proper-tea is theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q8yki/why_do_communists_drink_herbal_tea/
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I saw a pirate on the street the other day

"Oh my gosh, are you a pirate?"
"Aye, I be a pirate."
"Wow, cool! I see you have a peg leg. How did you come to need that?"
"It was during a mutiny. Me crew threw me overboard and a shark bit me leg off."
"Ouch. And your hook? How'd that happen?"
"During the mutiny, boy. My crew threw me overboard and the very same shark bit me hand off, too."
"Oh man. And your eye patch?"
"Bird poop."
"Bird poop?"
"Aye. A bird pooped in me eye, and it was the first day with me hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q8qul/i_saw_a_pirate_on_the_street_the_other_day/
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I try to teach my mom something new everyday.

Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q8klr/i_try_to_teach_my_mom_something_new_everyday/
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What do you call an unconscious foot?

Coma-toes!
(I made up this joke when I was 10.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q8jmo/what_do_you_call_an_unconscious_foot/
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What do you get when you remove the center board from a wood bridge?

A paradox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q8jet/what_do_you_get_when_you_remove_the_center_board/
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How does a sailor remove a condom?

He farts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q8hxr/how_does_a_sailor_remove_a_condom/
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Stop scrolling. You need to sleep.

(:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q8fa0/stop_scrolling_you_need_to_sleep/
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Why did the condom fly away?

It got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q8enb/why_did_the_condom_fly_away/
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What's better than a rose on your piano?

Tulips on your organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q8efl/whats_better_than_a_rose_on_your_piano/
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Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q81c0/weight_loss_program/
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A ventriloquist decides to retire to and buy a farm.

So this ventriloquist decided he is going to retire and buy a farm.  He sees a farm for sale from an old widowed farmer.  He meets the farmer and learns his name is farmer Brown.  The farmer is showing him around and the ventriloquist decides he will have a little fun with the farmer. As they walk past the chicken coop the ventriloquist throws his voice.  Farmer Brown you need to take are eggs earlier instead of letting us sit on them so long.  The Farmer is clearly stunned as the ventriloquist chuckles to himself.  Next they go by the cow pen. The ventriloquist throws his voice again and goes Farmer Brown you should warm up your hands before milking us.  The Farmer is clearly unsettled.  They start to go a little farther and Farmer Brown looks at the ventriloquist and goes.  Don't believe the sheep they are liars every last one of them....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q8092/a_ventriloquist_decides_to_retire_to_and_buy_a/
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Adam and Eve...

were the first people to not read Apple's terms and conditions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q7zta/adam_and_eve/
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Why do all the trees in Wisconsin lean west?

Minnesota sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q7zd3/why_do_all_the_trees_in_wisconsin_lean_west/
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My friend asked me if he was gay...

I didn't know how to give him a straight answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q7x37/my_friend_asked_me_if_he_was_gay/
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Hey, have you heard of the titanic?

Sorry, I couldn't think of a good icebreaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q7uv1/hey_have_you_heard_of_the_titanic/
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.

The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron. Help me look for it."
The neutron says "Are you sure?"
The proton replies "I'm positive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q7txx/a_proton_and_a_neutron_are_walking_down_the_street/
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A man joins the foreign legion...

...in an attempt to escape his past, he does the training, serves for 3 years with distinction and is selected for NCO training. Having passed at the top of his class, his instructor says he can have a reward
'Its been a while since I've been with a woman...'
'say no more' says the instuctor 'camel's in the stable, take as long as you need'
so the guy goes to the stable, looks at the camel thinks for a minute and decides against it.
Another 3 years pass and he does his senior NCO's course, again passing at the top of his class and again his instructor offering use of the camel. He thinks longer and harder this time, but again thinks better of it.
3 more years and he is selected for the officers course, which he passes top of the class and is offered the camel.
'Fuck it!' he says. Climbs over the gate, mounts the camel and lets 9 years of frustration out.
He goes back outside and sees his instructor
'I wont wait 9 years before doing that again I tell you!'
'Do what' asks the instructor
'Fucking the camel' says the man
'fair enough' replies the instructor 'most blokes ride it to the brothel in town, but if thats what your into...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q7py0/a_man_joins_the_foreign_legion/
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Charlie came to work with two black eyes today.

"What happened to you"
"She hit me like she was a man. Twice."
"Who?"
"I was in church yesterday, with my sister and her boys. The old widow Mrs. Marshal was in front us. She was sitting in a folding chair with a cushion.  When she stood for a hymn my nephews started giggling and pointing at her wedgie. I don't know what I was thinking. My hand shot out and I pulled her skirt out of her ass."
"You *what* !"
"She spun around and decked me square in my left eye."
"You didn't hit her back did you?"
"Of course I didn't. I just sat there stunned. After she turned around I...I don't know what I was thinking.."
"You what?"
"I tucked it back in."
Edit grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q7p21/charlie_came_to_work_with_two_black_eyes_today/
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What did one sperm say to the other?

How are we gonna find an egg in all this shit?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q7oth/what_did_one_sperm_say_to_the_other/
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When ever I make Eggs Benedict, I always serve it on a hubcap.

Cause there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q7fwe/when_ever_i_make_eggs_benedict_i_always_serve_it/
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I've always wanted to be the best dead person ever

But the competition is stiff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q7cgv/ive_always_wanted_to_be_the_best_dead_person_ever/
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How does Batman's mom call him home for dinner?

She doesn't because she's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q79nr/how_does_batmans_mom_call_him_home_for_dinner/
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Did you hear about the iguana that couldn’t change colour?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q77j9/did_you_hear_about_the_iguana_that_couldnt_change/
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What does a nosey pepper do?

Get Jalapeño business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q76vp/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
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Why does the homeless man only drink coffee?

He had no proper tea..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q75tn/why_does_the_homeless_man_only_drink_coffee/
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Are you thirsty?

"Would you like something to drink?" She opened the fridge.
"We have water, milk, juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper --"
"Spiders?"
"Spiders it is, then."
"No, that wasn't--"
But she was already pouring him a brimming glass of spiders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q71mu/are_you_thirsty/
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A NIGHT'S SLEEP

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.
The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked Johnny. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q6yip/a_nights_sleep/
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What do you do if you're riding a horse, with a giraffe next to you, and a lion chasing it?

Get your stoned ass off the merry-go-round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q6vqs/what_do_you_do_if_youre_riding_a_horse_with_a/
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Two women meet in heaven...

One a young blonde the other a middle aged brunette. They are standing in line chatting with each other as they wait to get into heaven.
They older brunette asked: "How did you die? You're so young, it must've been tragic."
The blonde answered: "Oh, well I froze to death. It wasn't too bad, I just got really cold then it kind of felt like I was falling asleep then I woke up here. What about you?"
The brunette replied: "I had a massive heart attack, it was horrible. You see I was sure my husband had been cheating on me for weeks now. One day after leaving for work I came home after 20 minutes to surprise him and catch him in the act. But when I went inside he was sitting at the couch in his underwear  confused. Still sure he had been cheating I started going through the house looking for the other woman. I checked the bedroom, bathroom, laundry room, closets, even the basement. There was no one to be found, but in the process I got so stressed and worked up I felt a massive pain in my chest fell to the floor and ended up here..."
Shocked the blonde pats her on the shoulder and says: "I'm sorry... But if you would have checked the freezer we would both still be alive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q6vku/two_women_meet_in_heaven/
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Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5

So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q6ty7/met_a_hooker_who_said_shed_do_anything_for_5/
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What did the winner of the not moving contest get?

Atrophy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q6tjg/what_did_the_winner_of_the_not_moving_contest_get/
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A child asked his father How were people born?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q6je5/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
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"My night's about to get better now that you're turned on."

... said the student to his printer when he finished his essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q6ifj/my_nights_about_to_get_better_now_that_youre/
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My drivers license says I'm an organ donor,

but jokes on them because I own a piano.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q6g0u/my_drivers_license_says_im_an_organ_donor/
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Once there was a king who had 10 wild dogs...

...He used them to torture and eat all the ministers who made mistakes.
Once, one of the ministers gave an opinion which was wrong, and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered for the minister to be thrown to the dogs.
So the minister said,
"I served you 10 years and you do this..?
Please give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!"
So the king agreed…
In those 10 days the minister went to the guard that was guarding the dogs and told him he wants to serve the dogs for the next 10 days…
The guard was baffled…
But he agreed…
So the minister started feeding the dogs, cleaning them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort to them.
When the 10 days were up…
The king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs as his punishment.
But when he was thrown in,
Everyone was amazed at what they saw..
They saw the dogs licking the feet of the minister!
So the king, baffled at what he saw, said:” what happened to my dogs. !!!”
The minister then said;”
I served the dogs for 10 days and they didn’t forget my service…
Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all on the first mistake!”…
So the king realised his mistake
and
Got wolves instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q69pk/once_there_was_a_king_who_had_10_wild_dogs/
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I found an plot of soil yesterday. I went back to the site today and found even more soil...

The plot thickens...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q68o5/i_found_an_plot_of_soil_yesterday_i_went_back_to/
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What kind of bees produce milk?

Boobies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q6427/what_kind_of_bees_produce_milk/
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A young bull and an old bull...

A young bull and an old bull stood at the top of a hill, looking down upon the valley below where hundreds of cows were grazing.
"Hey! Let's run down this hill and fuck one of those cows!" exclaimed the young bull.
"No." stated the old bull. After a moment he continued "Let's walk down the hill and fuck all of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q60ou/a_young_bull_and_an_old_bull/
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Americans may be ignorant of other cultures...

But at least we invented the hamburger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q5zy8/americans_may_be_ignorant_of_other_cultures/
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George Bush was visiting the queen of England...

when he asked her "I must say, you run a real tight ship over here, would you mind telling me some of your secrets or advice?".
The queen said "sure, its quite simple, I surround myself with smart people, for example, watch this". She then calls upon Tony Blair. "Tony, I have a simple question, if you mother has a child and your father has a child, and it's not your brother or sister, then who is it?"
Tony Blair thinks for a moment and responds "Well it would be me"
"Correct. Thank you very much Tony" says the queen.
Bush says "Ahh, you know, that's real clever, I might have to try that on some of my cabinet members. Thank you very much"
Bush is now back home in the U.S and calls Donald Rumsfeld to his office.
"Donald, I have a question for you. If your mother has a child and your father has a child and it's not your brother or sister, who is it?"
Donald thinks long and hard and says "You know George, I'm not sure, but I'll give you an answer by tomorrow"
Bush agrees and lets Donald go.
Donald then gathers up the cabinet and asks them the question. Nobody knows the answer, and after many failed attempts somone speaks up and says "I know! lets ask Colin Powell! He's a smart man, he should know". So they call up Colin Powell.
They ask him, "Colin, we have an important question for you... if your mother has a child and your father has a child and it's not your brother or sister, who is it?"
"You bunch of morons, it would be myself!" says Colin Powell.
"Ahhh!! We get it now!" says the members of the cabinet.
The next day Donald Rumsfeld approaches the president.
"Sir, I believe I have the answer to that question you asked me the other day." says Donald.
"Well ok, Donald, what is the answer?"
"Colin Powell!" says Rumsfeld
Bush looks at him for a second and gets up and yells "No you god damn idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q5uw9/george_bush_was_visiting_the_queen_of_england/
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I got ripped off buying a tarantula from the pet shop

Should have just got one off the web

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q5tny/i_got_ripped_off_buying_a_tarantula_from_the_pet/
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A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.  A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect, I meant wifi not wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q5tmg/a_man_received_the_following_text_from_his/
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Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4 doors it would be chicken sedans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q5ryt/why_do_chicken_coops_have_2_doors/
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What's the difference between a chick pea and a walnut?

I've never had a walnut on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q5rpw/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q5l2u/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus....

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we are friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q5izp/a_girl_with_tight_skirt_tries_to_get_on_a_bus/
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Here's an oldie but a goodie.

Your Mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q5hfv/heres_an_oldie_but_a_goodie/
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Couples doing it for the first time

There's a couple going at it for the first time.
After a while the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "Open your legs a little wider".
She does.
Again, he says, "A little wider, Honey."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
When he once again asks, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
She finally yells, "What are you trying to do, get your balls in too?"
He says, "No. I'm trying to get them out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q5h88/couples_doing_it_for_the_first_time/
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What has 10 legs 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q5h31/what_has_10_legs_9_arms_and_sucks/
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SPOILER ALERT:

I just had a piece of metal fitted to the back of my car to reduce drag and increase fuel efficiency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q5blu/spoiler_alert/
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I wrote a theatrical performance based on puns...

It was a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q5axo/i_wrote_a_theatrical_performance_based_on_puns/
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I was cured of lycanthropy.

Now I'm a were-wolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q57ml/i_was_cured_of_lycanthropy/
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A kid gets onto his school bus and starts annoying the bus driver...

The little kid sits down in the front seat and starts saying
kid:"If my parents were tigers, id be a little tiger!'
kid: "If my parents were giraffes, id be a little giraffe!"
Bus Driver: "shut up, shut up"
Kid: "If my parents were dogs id be a little dog!"
finally the driver gets annoyed and says: "O yea? what if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a homo? Then what would u be?!"
Kid: "A bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q56zy/a_kid_gets_onto_his_school_bus_and_starts/
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When my mother was 53 she started running 5 kilometers every day.

Now she's 68 and we don't know where the hell she is...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q565g/when_my_mother_was_53_she_started_running_5/
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A photon checks into a hotel and is asked "do you have any luggage, Sir?"

The photon replies "no, I'm travelling light"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q51hz/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel_and_is_asked_do_you/
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Desperate Need of Good Jokes

Basically I've had the shittiest day/month and I could really do with some cheering up.
Hit me with your cheesiest and amazingly bad jokes :-)))

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q4wvf/desperate_need_of_good_jokes/
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Genius!

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.  The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.  Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest." The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.  "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?" The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q4t7m/genius/
%
An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear "Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse
"Oh go on!", said the man
"No!", replied the nurse again
"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"
"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be wanking you off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q4oov/an_old_man_was_in_hospital_lying_in_bed_he_leaned/
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My wife is a vegan. I'm not.

I don't care if she makes more money than me. I can still say that I'm the one who brings home the bacon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q4jh4/my_wife_is_a_vegan_im_not/
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What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a toddler?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q4i0c/whats_the_difference_between_a_bag_of_cocaine_and/
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Leo's First Oscar

Leonardo DiCaprio in the delivery room.
Leo: "What is it doc?!"
Doctor: "It's a bo-"
Leo: "NO! NO! LIKE WE REHEARSED!"
*Doctor sighs, handing the baby boy to Leo*
Doctor: "And the "Oscar" goes to Leonardo DiCaprio for the role of Father in Conception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q4hu0/leos_first_oscar/
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You know how light travels faster than sound?

Thats why some people seem bright until they speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q4fza/you_know_how_light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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A patient came in today saying he felt paranoid and like people were watching him.

I dunno if I buy it though, he looked pretty relaxed in the bath this morning.
*classic Frankie boyle*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q49cp/a_patient_came_in_today_saying_he_felt_paranoid/
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q48k6/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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A man suspects his kid is skipping school...

A man suspects his kid is skipping school during the day. He buys a robot that slaps anyone who tells a lie, and sits it down at the table with his kid and wife. He asks his son, "Where were you during first period today, Jimmy?" The kid says, "School, of course!" The robot slaps the kid. The dad says, "Really Jimmy, where were you during first period today?" The kid says "At my friends house, watching a movie." The robot is still. The dad asks, "What movie were you 2 watching?" The kid says "We were watching Toy Story, dad!" The robot slaps the kid again. "Tell me the truth, what movie were you 2 watching?" The kid admits, "We watched a porno called Anal Avengers 4." Surprised, the dad says "Youre skipping school to watch porn movies?! I didnt even know what porn was at your age!". The robot slaps the dad. The mom starts laughing and says "Well, he *is* your son, honey!". The robot slaps the mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q47x5/a_man_suspects_his_kid_is_skipping_school/
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So there are 3 scientists in a lab studying flies...

There are 3 scientists in a lab studying flies. The first scientist grabs a fly from the jar, rips off its antennae, and says "Fly, fly!". The fly flies around the room, then lands back on the table. The scientists writes down in his journal: "Fly can fly without antennae"
The next scientist grabs a fly from the jar, rips off its legs, and says "Fly, fly!" The fly flies around the room, then skids back down onto the table. The scientist writes down in his journal: "Fly can fly without legs."
The third scientist puts his fly on the table, rips off its wings, and says "Fly, fly!" The fly doesn't move. The scientist says again, louder, "Fly, fly!". The fly just hops around a little bit. So the scientist writes down in his journal: "Fly can't hear without wings."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q45sz/so_there_are_3_scientists_in_a_lab_studying_flies/
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So a lady was waiting at the doctor's...

The doctor is obsessed with the stars, and is a junior astrologist, so, naturally, he asks the woman what her Zodiac symbol is. She responds; "Cancer, why?". "What a coincidence..." Said the Doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q43hl/so_a_lady_was_waiting_at_the_doctors/
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Girl are you a Hurricane?

At first you were wet and wild, but now you've taken my house and car!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3zij/girl_are_you_a_hurricane/
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Infidel.

It's where I want to be, thanks to my fetish for Cuban politicians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3xjw/infidel/
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Being a gentleman I decided to hold the door open for a lady.

The bitch just screamed at me as she got sucked out of the plane. Now I know better than to try and be nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3wez/being_a_gentleman_i_decided_to_hold_the_door_open/
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Let's play a game called Fuck Off

You go first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3vxi/lets_play_a_game_called_fuck_off/
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What do you call a midget prostitute?

A lowrider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3v1e/what_do_you_call_a_midget_prostitute/
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I'm so grateful to the teacher who defined the word "plethora" for me...

It meant a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3sd2/im_so_grateful_to_the_teacher_who_defined_the/
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I like my women like I like my coffee.

Imported from overseas and purchased for more than I can really afford.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3p73/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Stutter

An old man walks up to a kid waiting at a bus stop. He says to the boy h-how d-d-do I g-get t-to high st-street? The boy looks at him but doesn't answer. The old man asks the boy a second time, and no answer. By this time, another man came by the bus stop, and gave the directions. Knowing the boy as being a local kid, he says to him "why didn't you give that man directions? Your local you know where it is." The boy replied "d-did you t-think I-I w-wanted m-m-my a-ass k-k-kicked?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3l8s/stutter/
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What's the difference between a robber and a politician?

Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3l48/whats_the_difference_between_a_robber_and_a/
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So Scooby Doo mixes Ruthenium Hydrogen together with alcohol..

RuH-ROH.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3k4d/so_scooby_doo_mixes_ruthenium_hydrogen_together/
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The Bell Ringer

A priest stands alone in his church. It is a beautiful old church with a great tall bell tower. Suddenly, the front doors of the church open and a hobbled old man walks in. He is barely able to walk and his back is so hunched he can barely look up at the priest. The old man walks up to the priest and says;
"Father, please help me. I am an old, tired, and feeble man. All I want is a purpose and a bed to sleep in. Is there anything I can do for your church? Any way I can be of some help to someone?"
The priest looked down at the sad old man with pity in his heart and said;
"My son, it grieves me to see one of God's children in such a state. Of course you are welcome to stay here, but you need not work to earn your keep."
To which the old man replied;
"But Father, I seek a job, a purpose, something to give my remaining time some meaning."
The priest thought, then said;
"Well, it's not much, but we do need a new bell ringer, though I fear it may be to strenuous a task for you."
The old man said;
"I'll do it. Please just give me a chance."
So the priest lead the old man to the top if the bell tower, showed him how to pull the ropes to ring the gigantic bells, and showed him the bed for him there in the tower.
"You can stay here. We will bring you food everyday and all you must do is ring the bell every hour, on the hour, the appropriate number of times," The priest said.
The old man thanked him and the priest returned down stairs.
As the first hour drew near, the priest began to worry. He thought of the man's hunched back and his twisted arms, and began to doubt the man would be able to ring the huge bell. But sure enough, when the hour came, the bell rang loudly and clearly and the appropriate number of times.
For the next few days, the priest worries lessened as the bell continued to ring perfectly every time.
One night, as the priest sat reading in his study, he began to be curious about how the broken old man was doing it. He had been so sure the man's wilted body would not be capable of exerting the effort required to ring the great bell.
So, near the hour of 9, he quietly went up the tower to watch. As the time grew near, he watched the man get up from his bed and stand facing the bell at a few paces. The man checked the clock and when the hour hit 9 exactly he charged face first into the bell, creating a resonant, clear ring. The man repeated this eight more times, ringing the bell with his own face each time.
The priest watched in horror, but when the old man finished and turn back to his bed, among the bruises and cuts on the man's face, there was a giant smile. He was so happy to have a purpose and home that he almost didn't feel the pain.
The priest returned downstairs, worried, but unsure what to do. He decided that he would let the man continue, but he would make sure to check on him more often.
Finally, Sunday came and the church was full of people. The priest gave his sermon and listened as the bell rang proudly in the middle of it. An hour after that, during a hymn, the bell began to ring again, but, unlike any time before it, the bell stopped two rings short of the proper number.
The priest was worried by this, but was unable to stop the service, and knew it would be over soon.
After the service, he was heading for the base of the tower when he heard a great deal of noise coming from outside. He was worried about the old man, but felt he needed to check outside first.
When he got outside, he saw a huge crowd of people near the base of the tower, all focused on something on the ground in the middle of the group. He quickly made his way through the crowd to the middle, only to find the broken body of the old man lying there in a heap.
The priest assumed the man, in one of his mad charges at the bell, had missed and tumbled from the tower to the ground below.
"Father, did you know this man?" someone asked.
"No" said the priest, "but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3hns/the_bell_ringer/
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Drunk jack.

A married man, Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after a night out drinking with the boys. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son… what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, " So, why is your mother in such a good mood, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, when Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married! I'm married!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3fye/drunk_jack/
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What do you call a security guard who works at Samsung?

a Guardian of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3fkj/what_do_you_call_a_security_guard_who_works_at/
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Can anyone use the word "contagious" in a sentence?

Julia raises her hand. “Yes, Julia?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”
“Very good, Julia!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Shazza raises her hand. “Yes, Shazza?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”
“Excellent work, Shazza! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Bruce raises his hand. “Yes, Bruce?”
“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3dga/can_anyone_use_the_word_contagious_in_a_sentence/
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What do you call a Gay Jew?

A Heblew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3d26/what_do_you_call_a_gay_jew/
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So I was talking to the devil, and I asked him about his job...

He told me "It's soul crushing and I love it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3ayz/so_i_was_talking_to_the_devil_and_i_asked_him/
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My Love Life is Like my Ferrari...

It's nonexistent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3amm/my_love_life_is_like_my_ferrari/
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What did the Japanese General say to his kamikaze trainee?

Despite what everyone tells you, you'll never learn from your mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q3afb/what_did_the_japanese_general_say_to_his_kamikaze/
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A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land....

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. An undertaker told them "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $150?"
The man said "A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q39pd/a_man_his_wife_and_his_motherinlaw_went_on/
%
So, a florist gave me the wrong flowers.

I think they're called oopsie daisies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q35o2/so_a_florist_gave_me_the_wrong_flowers/
%
I threw a boomerang 6 years ago and it never came back...

Now I live in constant fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q341a/i_threw_a_boomerang_6_years_ago_and_it_never_came/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

It ends faster for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q33kf/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Where does a beaver priest live?

In a God Dam House!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q313f/where_does_a_beaver_priest_live/
%
I was in math class and my teacher asked "What comes after 69?"

Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q308x/i_was_in_math_class_and_my_teacher_asked_what/
%
Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.
Thank you kind Redditor for my first gold!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2zi3/saw_a_hooker_on_the_street_who_said_shed_do/
%
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"
&nbsp;
The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".
&nbsp;
Guy: "Great when can I use it?"
&nbsp;
Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".
&nbsp;
Guy: "Why not Tuesday?"
&nbsp;
The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2ywz/a_guy_gets_horny_during_his_first_week_on_a/
%
My girlfriend has terrible eyesight...

she's always accidentally sleeping with other guys. Poor girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2uwj/my_girlfriend_has_terrible_eyesight/
%
A girl from Alabama asked me if I found her attractive.

I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2tsr/a_girl_from_alabama_asked_me_if_i_found_her/
%
My dog Minton ate my shuttlecock

Bad Minton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2tdn/my_dog_minton_ate_my_shuttlecock/
%
A father gathers his three sons and tells them sadly

— Kids, in the night some asshole stole our cow.
Oldest son (OS): An asshole? He must be short.
Middle son (MS): Short guy? He must be from the next village.
Youngest son (YS): From the next village? Who else but Jimmy?
So the sons go to the next village and beat the shit out of Jimmy. Naturally, he takes the matter to the local court.
The judge asks the sons why the thought it was Jimmy.
OS: Well, our father told us that some asshole stole our cow, and if he's an asshole, he must be short.
MS: If he's short, he must be from the next village.
YS: If he's from the next village, he must be Jimmy.
Judge: Hmmm, that's some interesting logic there - I wonder if it's valid. You there, bring me the box sitting over there. Now boys, can you deduce what's inside?
OS: The box is square.
MS: If it's square, what's inside must be round.
YS: If it's round, it must be an orange.
The judge opens the box, takes out an orange and tells Jimmy: C'mon, man, give them back the cow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2rwm/a_father_gathers_his_three_sons_and_tells_them/
%
Why do hurricanes have women name?

Because they take away your house, your car, your furniture and everything you have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2pq0/why_do_hurricanes_have_women_name/
%
I'm looking for a joke

I heard a monologue once on the radio here in the UK.
The monologue is in a film noir style and I'm pretty sure it starts with "I was working on a case. I was working on a case because I couldn't afford a desk" and has other lines such as "A tall Blonde walked past the window, I knew she was tall because I was on the 13th floor. She rolled her eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled them back"
Anybody know the author/ full joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2pmi/im_looking_for_a_joke/
%
A elderly Italian man wanted to plant tomatoes in his backyard but he was too weak...

An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2osd/a_elderly_italian_man_wanted_to_plant_tomatoes_in/
%
How do you know tickle me Elmo is male?

Because before he leaves the factory they give him two test tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2oph/how_do_you_know_tickle_me_elmo_is_male/
%
Doctor: "It's bad news, you have cancer and Alzheimer's."

Patient: "Oh well, it could be worse - at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2lkj/doctor_its_bad_news_you_have_cancer_and_alzheimers/
%
My Doctor reckons I'm paranoid.

He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2jxw/my_doctor_reckons_im_paranoid/
%
A wife said to her husband, "You fuck like you fix things around the house."

"Expertly?" he asked.
"No," she responded. "Half done so I have to call the neighbor over to finish the job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2h1j/a_wife_said_to_her_husband_you_fuck_like_you_fix/
%
A young priest asked his bishop, “May I smoke while praying?”...

The answer was an emphatic “No!”
Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, “You shouldn’t be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn’t do it!”
“That’s odd,” the old priest replied. “I asked the bishop if I could pray while I’m smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2h1a/a_young_priest_asked_his_bishop_may_i_smoke_while/
%
Guys about to go on a date has to fart really bad talking to her parents.

So this guy is about to go on a date. He shows up at the house, and her parents invite him into the living room to have a chat while she's upstairs getting ready. All of a sudden he realizes he has to fart really bad. Fortunately he notices their dog sitting next to him, named Duke. So he thinks to himself if I fart a little bit maybe they think it's the dog. So he farts just a little bit, and also in the dad yells, "Duke!" So he thinks great it's working he totally thinks is the dog. So he farts a little more, and sure enough dad yells "Duke!" Awesome totally thinks it's a dog so he lets the rest rip. Next thing you know the dad yells, "Duke get over here before he shits on you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2d4x/guys_about_to_go_on_a_date_has_to_fart_really_bad/
%
What do you need to split a photon?

A lightsabre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q29nm/what_do_you_need_to_split_a_photon/
%
What happens when you smoke pot in Saudi Arabia?

You get stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q29m0/what_happens_when_you_smoke_pot_in_saudi_arabia/
%
My doctor diagnosed me with incompetence and constipation...

But I really don't give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2949/my_doctor_diagnosed_me_with_incompetence_and/
%
I adopted a rescue dog early this morning...

But she hasn't saved anyone all day and she's peed in the house twice. This is bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q28xd/i_adopted_a_rescue_dog_early_this_morning/
%
What do you call a funny hill?

Hilarious ...
My little sister told me this and I wasn't expecting it at all. :|

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2790/what_do_you_call_a_funny_hill/
%
Why did the sick eagle get deported?

Because he was an illeagle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q271g/why_did_the_sick_eagle_get_deported/
%
My wife gives me sound advice.

99%Sound,1%Advice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q22c9/my_wife_gives_me_sound_advice/
%
Why is your nose in the middle of the face?

Because it's the scenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2161/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_the_face/
%
How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to beat the bulb for being broke, another to shoot the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q1ylp/how_many_lapd_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
My friend said he was worried he's losing his hair

I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q1wsl/my_friend_said_he_was_worried_hes_losing_his_hair/
%
What do you call a little polish boat?

A Jetski.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q1v0f/what_do_you_call_a_little_polish_boat/
%
What do you call a fat rat?

enormouse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q1h8k/what_do_you_call_a_fat_rat/
%
Stalin gives a speech...

Stalin was giving a speech when suddenly he hears a sneeze from the public. He orders the first row to stand up.
"Did any of you sneeze?!"
Everybody is silent. After a few seconds of silence, Stalin orders the people on the first row to be killed. They are all shot, one by one, and Stalin orders the second row to stand up.
"Did any of you sneeze?!"
Once again everyone is silent. He orders everyone on the second row to be killed, and they're all shot one by one. He orders the third row to stand up.
"DID ANY OF YOU SNEEZE?!"
A man shyly and slowly raises his hand and says,
"...I did..."
Stalin smiles and says,
"Bless you, comrade!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q1gjn/stalin_gives_a_speech/
%
My parents found an S&M magazine under my brother's bed...

My dad said, "Well, spanking him is out of the question."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q1965/my_parents_found_an_sm_magazine_under_my_brothers/
%
Did you hear about that fire at the circus?!

I heard it was in tents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q182l/did_you_hear_about_that_fire_at_the_circus/
%
What do you call 16 white American people?

A full blooded Cherokee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q17kn/what_do_you_call_16_white_american_people/
%
Welcome to plastic surgery anonymous

I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say i'm really disappointed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q16je/welcome_to_plastic_surgery_anonymous/
%
Adolf Hitler has been judged very harshly by history however..

he did kill Hitler.
NB: stolen from Jimmy Carr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q15r3/adolf_hitler_has_been_judged_very_harshly_by/
%
What do you get when you drop your frozen waffle at the beach?

A San Diego

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q12l5/what_do_you_get_when_you_drop_your_frozen_waffle/
%
Remember when you were young and you used to blow bubbles?

Well I heard he's out of prison and he's been looking for you...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q0z64/remember_when_you_were_young_and_you_used_to_blow/
%
How many American cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q0wcn/how_many_american_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up.
A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying:
"One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you..."
He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a nearby Church to get the Priest.
"Father, please come with me." He said. "Come and witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery"
They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued:
"One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
The Priest, white in his face, whispered to the drunkard.
"Dear Lord, you are right, but don't worry. They don't know that we are here."
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and asked a question.
"What about the two at the gate?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q0s4g/two_little_boys_stole_a_big_bag_of_oranges_from_a/
%
A black man picks up a girl from a nightclub...

Back at his house, she says: "show me what they say about black men is true..."
So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q0rds/a_black_man_picks_up_a_girl_from_a_nightclub/
%
Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Yes, but only partially.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q0r9e/does_sean_connery_like_herbs/
%
How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they don't change light bulbs, they accept them the way they are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q0pgk/how_many_canadians_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Want to hear a pizza joke?

Never mind, it's too cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q0os6/want_to_hear_a_pizza_joke/
%
What do Kim Kardashian and Hurricane Sandy have in common?

They will both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q0gp7/what_do_kim_kardashian_and_hurricane_sandy_have/
%
I saw a construction sign today that said, "road rehab".

It must've been addicted to crack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q0din/i_saw_a_construction_sign_today_that_said_road/
%
Why do pessimists always think it's the weekend?

Because every day is a sadder-day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q049j/why_do_pessimists_always_think_its_the_weekend/
%
Had A Fight With An Erection This Morning

Beat it single handedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q00dd/had_a_fight_with_an_erection_this_morning/
%
How do you find will smith in the snow?

You look for fresh prince.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pzzqf/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pzwaw/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
%
I started playing water polo the other day

It was all fun and games until my horse drowned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pzuc1/i_started_playing_water_polo_the_other_day/
%
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles. (read it out loud if you do not get it).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pzr2x/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pzlmt/an_old_lady_was_standing_at_the_railing_of_the/
%
How do Mongolians practice safe sex?

They use a khandom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pzirc/how_do_mongolians_practice_safe_sex/
%
I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby.

"Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.
That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.
*
*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pzi5a/i_never_know_what_to_say_to_something_after/
%
I told my dad that I was sick and tired of all this Justin Bieber, One Direction, and Twilight crap...

...and he replies, "You know son, I'm proud of you. It takes a strong man to rebel against things made for 13 year old girls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pzgmf/i_told_my_dad_that_i_was_sick_and_tired_of_all/
%
A man's wife goes scuba diving and doesn't return...

The police show up the next day and inform the man,  "Sir, we have bad news, good news, and even better news."
The husband says "Okay, well give me the bad news first."
"Well sir, we are sorry to say that your wife has drowned. She is dead, I'm terribly sorry."
"Oh no... wait, what's the good news?"
"Well sir, we pulled her body out of the water and there were three lobsters attached to the body!"
"THATS THE GOOD NEWS!? WHAT THE HELL IS THE BETTER NEWS!?"
Cop says,
"We are going to pull her up again tomorrow!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pzbbt/a_mans_wife_goes_scuba_diving_and_doesnt_return/
%
50th Anniversary Gift

At their 50th anniversary, the wife decides to give the husband a very special gift. She said, as a gift, I'll give you a chance to ask me anything and I'll tell you the truth.
Husband see's a chance. He said, you know, it's about Adam. I have always wondered about him. He doesn't look anything like our other 6 children. I was always suspicious about him. I think I may not have been fair to him as well because of this. I have to ask you, does he have a different father?
Wife pause for a second. then says: yes.
The husband feels sad, but still asks, who?
The wife replies: you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pz8en/50th_anniversary_gift/
%
What is a recently divorced woman's favorite fruit?

Mango!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pz6zl/what_is_a_recently_divorced_womans_favorite_fruit/
%
I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

And then I thought, look what's telling me that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pyznf/i_used_to_think_the_brain_was_the_most_important/
%
What is the French version of the name Parker?

Valet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pyyc5/what_is_the_french_version_of_the_name_parker/
%
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will have eternal life"

But John came in fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pytt6/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
%
Two statisticians are out hunting...

Two statisticians are out hunting when one of them sees a duck. The first takes aim and shoots, but the bullet goes sailing pass 6in too high. The second statistician also takes aim and shoots, but this time the bullet goes sailing past 6in too low. The two statisticians then give one another high fives and exclaim "Got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pym2m/two_statisticians_are_out_hunting/
%
My GF is like my treasure...

I buried her in my backyard yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pydiw/my_gf_is_like_my_treasure/
%
Criminal on the electric chair. The officer ask: Any last wishes?

The criminal: Please hold my hand...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pybiu/criminal_on_the_electric_chair_the_officer_ask/
%
How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool?

"Please get out of the swimming pool"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3py9uj/how_do_you_get_50_canadians_out_of_a_swimming_pool/
%
My Ex-Girlfriend is Like a Box of Chocolates

She'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3py9tn/my_exgirlfriend_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
If you push George W Bush into a vat of concrete.

It would set a very bad president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3py8b2/if_you_push_george_w_bush_into_a_vat_of_concrete/
%
A little boy with a speech impediment goes trick or treating as a pirate...

He gets to the first house and an old lady answers the door. She says,
"Well aren't you cute.  Who are you dressed as?"
He replies,
"I'm a birate!  I got my barrot, my bword and my batch!" , pointing to the stuffed parrot on his shoulder, waving his sword and pointing to his eye patch respectively.
The old lady throws some candy in his bag and wishes him a good night. He heads to the next house. A man answers.
"Trick or Treat", the boy shouts.
The man says "Well look at you!... Who are you dressed as?"
"I'm a birate! I got my barrot, my bword, and my batch!"
"Alright Blackbeard! Here you go! Happy Halloween!", says the man as he throws candy into the boy's bag. The boy heads to the next house where a nice middle age woman answers the door.
"Trick or Treat!", shouts the boy.
"Well you are just the cutest!... Who are you?" says the woman.
"I'm a birate!  I got my barrot, my bword, and my batch!"
"Well, where are you're buccaneers?", she asks.
He motions to the side of his head with his sword and exclaims,
"They're right here lady!...Open your buckin' eyes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3py3q2/a_little_boy_with_a_speech_impediment_goes_trick/
%
Thought for ladies..

Ladies, if you come across a Man who is smart, hot, humble, educated, financially secure, passionate and patient, great at fixing things around the house and he's not materialistic, loves you like you are the only girl in the world and watches you whilst you are applying your make up while listening to every word you say...
Then, please be assured that the WEED you have just smoked is of superior quality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3py1rt/thought_for_ladies/
%
And the award for best neckwear goes to...

Well, would you look at that...it's a tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pxxp8/and_the_award_for_best_neckwear_goes_to/
%
What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pxx5w/whats_a_foot_long_made_of_leather_and_sounds_like/
%
Kanye West is opening up a breakfast restaurant...

Omelette You Finish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pxtu4/kanye_west_is_opening_up_a_breakfast_restaurant/
%
A guy comes home to find his girlfriend packing her stuff...

He says "What's wrong? Are you leaving me?"
She says "That's right! My therapist finally convinced me that you're a pedophile."
He says "Pedophile huh? That's a pretty big word for a 10 year old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pxt6b/a_guy_comes_home_to_find_his_girlfriend_packing/
%
Did you hear that M. Night Shyamalan is making a new movie about a ninja with a nipple fetish?

You'll never see the twist coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pxnu1/did_you_hear_that_m_night_shyamalan_is_making_a/
%
Saw an ad for a mirror. It said "Never used".

How, then, did they know it was a mirror?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pxl42/saw_an_ad_for_a_mirror_it_said_never_used/
%
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full
I heard this on a radio show and thought it was worth sharing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pxkdo/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_with_a_runny_nose/
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[NSFW] There was a sex addict stranded in the desert...

There was a sex addict who was stranded in the desert for 10 days. And during those 10 days he hasn't had any sex. Feeling horny and desperate, he tries to fuck his camel. However, every time he does, the camel escapes. Sometime later, he find a single road. And on the road he sees three of the most beautiful women in the world. They ask the man if he could fix their car for them and if he does, they will do anything he asks for. The man eagerly fixes their car. The girls ask him what they could do and he replies "Yeah, can you hold down my camel?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pxjai/nsfw_there_was_a_sex_addict_stranded_in_the_desert/
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5 years ago, I asked the love of my life on a date. Yesterday, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.
Posted this on r/funny and was told to post it here also.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pxejc/5_years_ago_i_asked_the_love_of_my_life_on_a_date/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

Impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pxc8w/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
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What’s so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?

You know she'll swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pxb96/whats_so_good_about_an_ethiopian_blowjob/
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It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles, that you realise...

...there is always a way to solve problems, without using violence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pxb4s/it_is_only_when_a_mosquito_lands_on_your/
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Guy goes to a brothel... (NSFW)

He chooses a girl and they retreat to a room.  He goes down on her.  A moment later, he lifts his head and spits out a mouthful of corn.  A bit perturbed, he resumes anyway.  A moment later, he bolts up and spits out a mouthful of carrot bits.  Now he's pretty freaked out, but still he resumes.  Finally, he lifts his head and spits out a mouthful of English peas.
At this point, he's disgusted, and says, "damn, girl.  Are you sick or something?"
"No," she says, "but the guy before you was."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pxa73/guy_goes_to_a_brothel_nsfw/
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Have you heard of the joke about the broken coinfactory?

It doesn't make cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3px8v4/have_you_heard_of_the_joke_about_the_broken/
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If I have seizures brought on by soda...

Do I have Pepsilepsy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3px7ap/if_i_have_seizures_brought_on_by_soda/
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Two salesmen walk into a train station

The old salesman sends the younger one up to get their tickets
Behind the counter is a stunning beauty with big tits and a beautiful smile
The young salesman stammers "I'd like two Pickets to Tittsbugh...I mean two tickets to Pittsburgh please"...she laughs, hands him the tickets and he walks back to the old guy with his head down embarrassed.
The old guy pats him on the shoulder and comforts him...Don't worry kid, it happens to me all the time.  Just this morning, I'm having breakfast with the wife and instead of saying (air quotes) "Please pass the butter" but instead, it came out "You fucking Bitch, you ruined my life"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3px549/two_salesmen_walk_into_a_train_station/
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Bodybuilder 1 says to bodybuilder 2 "hey man, I think we're out of protein powder"

Bodybuilder 2 responds "No whey!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3px25e/bodybuilder_1_says_to_bodybuilder_2_hey_man_i/
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Two old ladies are outside of their retirement home smoking.

All of a sudden it starts to rain. The first lady pulls out a condom, snips off the tip, and puts it over here cigarette. The second lady asks why she did this. The first responds, "it keeps my cigarette from getting too wet."
The next day, the second lady goes to her local 7-11 and asks the cashier for a box of condoms. The cashier is surprised due to her age, but asks "what size do you need?"
The lady responds, "doesn't matter, as long as it can fit a Camel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pwzxs/two_old_ladies_are_outside_of_their_retirement/
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch

They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pwxht/a_blonde_and_a_redhead_have_a_ranch/
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Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pwpu9/girl_asked_me_to_netflix_and_chill_but_i_download/
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What do you call a one night stand with a robot?

Nut and bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pwp2o/what_do_you_call_a_one_night_stand_with_a_robot/
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What is Ahmed Mohamed's favorite band?

Dethklok

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pwnfz/what_is_ahmed_mohameds_favorite_band/
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This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator...

I was staring at her boobs as she got on the elevator when she asked, "Would you please press one?"
So I did.
I don't remember much after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pwmra/this_morning_i_was_beaten_up_by_a_busty_woman_in/
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I was ecstatic to have an out-of-body experience...

...in fact, I was beside myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pwmbl/i_was_ecstatic_to_have_an_outofbody_experience/
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I have a solution to procrastination

I will tell you tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pwltc/i_have_a_solution_to_procrastination/
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The Kings English

I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough? Others may stumble, but not you, On hiccough, thorough, slough and through.
Beware of heard, a dreadful word, That looks like beard but sounds like bird.
And dead: It’s said like bed, not bead -- For goodness’ sake, don’t call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat… They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.
A moth is not the moth in mother, Nor both in bother, nor broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there, Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there’s dose and rose and lose -- Just look them up -- and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward, And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go, then thwart and cart, Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Why, sakes alive! I’d learned to speak it when I was five.
And yet, to write it, the more I tried, I hadn’t learned it at fifty-five

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pwkcs/the_kings_english/
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What do you call someone who murders a hundred people with a potato masher?

A mash murderer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pwjqa/what_do_you_call_someone_who_murders_a_hundred/
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Mike Tyson and the son of Odin got into a fight.

They're both thore today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pwg5t/mike_tyson_and_the_son_of_odin_got_into_a_fight/
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Two Native Americans walk into a restaurant...

The concierge asks, "Do you have reservations?"  One of the guys replies, "Yes; mine is in Oklahoma and his is in Arizona."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pwbxr/two_native_americans_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot.

It got toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pwbuu/a_frog_parked_his_car_in_the_handicapped_spot/
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A man is having a job interview.

Interviewer: What would you consider your greatest weakness?
Man: My honesty.
Interviewer: Honesty? I think that's more of a strength than a weakness.
Man: I don't give a fuck what you think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pw9n8/a_man_is_having_a_job_interview/
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Why is Alabama the worlds biggest sandwich?

Because the whole state is inbred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pw8oc/why_is_alabama_the_worlds_biggest_sandwich/
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In a knife fight with street entertainers

I always go straight for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pw6k6/in_a_knife_fight_with_street_entertainers/
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A blonde walked into the dentist office...

...and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said: "Open Wide"
"I can't" - The blonde said. - "This chair has arms"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pw3er/a_blonde_walked_into_the_dentist_office/
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What's the best part about sleeping with twenty five year olds?

There's twenty of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pw1gn/whats_the_best_part_about_sleeping_with_twenty/
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Want to piss off a female archeologist?

Show her a used tampon and ask what period it's from. Wakka wakka!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pvro0/want_to_piss_off_a_female_archeologist/
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Why did 20 blondes stand outside the bar?

Because you need to be 21 to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pvotf/why_did_20_blondes_stand_outside_the_bar/
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The United Nations world-wide survey

The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.
The survey went like this:
"We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"
The survey of course, turned out to be a total and abject failure:
The People in western Europe didn't know what the word 'shortage' meant. The people in eastern Europe had no idea what the expression 'honest' was supposed to mean. In china no one knew what 'opinion' was. In Africa they didn't know what 'food' was. In the middle east no one could figure out what 'solution' was; and in america they had no idea what 'the rest of the world' meant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pvke2/the_united_nations_worldwide_survey/
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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pvh4b/whats_the_difference_between_roast_beef_and_pea/
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Ho Chow calls into work sick.

He tells the boss, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you here today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and then I come into work. You should try that."
Two hours later, Ho Chow calls back. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pvem6/ho_chow_calls_into_work_sick/
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Hey, thanks for defining the word "many" for me...

It means a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pv704/hey_thanks_for_defining_the_word_many_for_me/
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What's the difference between black people and cancer?

Cancer got Jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pv51w/whats_the_difference_between_black_people_and/
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What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3puygr/whats_the_difference_between_erotic_and_kinky/
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Red head goes to doctors office..

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3puudz/red_head_goes_to_doctors_office/
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Where would you park your camel?

The Camelot.
PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pun9a/where_would_you_park_your_camel/
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How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pul2u/how_do_you_stop_a_dog_from_humping_your_leg/
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What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?

Oh my god put them back in the damn ovens!  They're so under-cooked they're writing fucking diaries!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3puk4s/what_did_gordon_ramsay_say_to_hitler/
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Heard today that most feminists are lesbians

that's why they can't think straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pujgk/heard_today_that_most_feminists_are_lesbians/
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I got suspended for bringing a piccolo to school.

They told me it was too sharp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pudhy/i_got_suspended_for_bringing_a_piccolo_to_school/
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Two drunk friends are sitting at a bar when one suddenly spews all down his shirt...

"Oh No" he cries, wiping his mouth. "My wifsh gonna fucking kill me!"
"Nah, Nah. Don't sweat it." pipes up drunk 2. "Jush put $20 in your shirt pocket and tell her some sick bastard spewed all over you but gave you money to cover the cleaning."
"Thatsh fuggin brilliant. I'll do that" and staggers off home.
When he opens the front door his wife is on for a fight after seeing her husbands sorry state. "Have a look at yourself you dumb drunk."
"Nah Baby, it's not like that. Some silly prick chucked all over me at the pub but he put $20 in my pocket to shay shorry".
The drunks wife walks over and snatches the money from his pocket, looks at it and says "But there's $40 here"
"I know" says the drunk. "I forgot to say... he shat himself as well"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pudcz/two_drunk_friends_are_sitting_at_a_bar_when_one/
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I had unprotected phone sex once...

Now I have hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pub4g/i_had_unprotected_phone_sex_once/
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A man and his wife were sharing their very first wedding anniversary... (NSFW)

The wife says "Honey, I'll do anything you want for you tonight"
Husband replies "Nice! How about a 69er!"
"I can't, I'm on my period!"
"I don't give a fuck!"
"Well" she says, "if you don't care then I certainly don't, let's do it."
So they are going at it for a bit when the dorbell rings, and the husband says "Fuck sakes, who could that be? Go answer the door hun"
She says "Fucking look at me! I'm a mess! I can't answer the door! YOU answer it!"
"Look at my face! I can't go out there looking like this!"
She says "Just tell them you were eating a jam sandwich and got carried away"
"Alright" the man says, and proceeds to answer the door.
It was the mailman. "Hi I have a delivery fo...WHAT IN THE FUCK!?"
Husband says "Ohhh don't mind my face, I was eating a jam sandwich and I got a little crazy with it."
Mailman replies, "Sir I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth, I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pu3zm/a_man_and_his_wife_were_sharing_their_very_first/
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What was the first thing Hellen Keller noticed at the beach?

The volleyball net.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pu0jn/what_was_the_first_thing_hellen_keller_noticed_at/
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Why don't programers pay tax to the Devil?

Because that would be a sin-tax issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ptz02/why_dont_programers_pay_tax_to_the_devil/
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Why don't biology and physics get on?

They lack chemistry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ptytx/why_dont_biology_and_physics_get_on/
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Two inebriated men walk in to an upmarket restaurant and go straight to the only unoccupied table, yelling for service.

The head waiter hurries over asking “Do you have reservations?”
One of the men replies “Sure, but when you’re as hungry as we are, you throw caution to the wind.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ptwqw/two_inebriated_men_walk_in_to_an_upmarket/
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A fight broke out at the bubble-making contest.

It came to blows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ptus5/a_fight_broke_out_at_the_bubblemaking_contest/
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I got a girl's number today!

All I had to do was hit her car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ptqfb/i_got_a_girls_number_today/
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People who are constipated are such activists.

They're seriously always trying to start a movement...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ptm0g/people_who_are_constipated_are_such_activists/
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I'm a passive aggressive driver.

I pass other drivers and then aggressively speed towards the next one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ptlth/im_a_passive_aggressive_driver/
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I asked my brother why he was taking a dictionary and thesaurus to his theater rehearsal.

He said it was a play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ptksn/i_asked_my_brother_why_he_was_taking_a_dictionary/
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What do you call an immigrant and a pedophile in a jail cell together?

Alien vs predator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ptfsc/what_do_you_call_an_immigrant_and_a_pedophile_in/
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I would rather have Parkinson's than Alzheimer's

Because it's better to spill half the glass than forget where you put the liquor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ptckk/i_would_rather_have_parkinsons_than_alzheimers/
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How do you stop an Italian from talking?

Cut their hands off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ptc9j/how_do_you_stop_an_italian_from_talking/
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What if Steven Hawking...

What if Steven Hawking is the real Slim shady, but we don't know because he cant stand up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pta12/what_if_steven_hawking/
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Who invented King Arthur's Round Table?

Sir Cumference!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pt7ye/who_invented_king_arthurs_round_table/
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When I was about 8, my mom would play hide and go seek with me..

She was really good, too. Mom, where are you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pt5tj/when_i_was_about_8_my_mom_would_play_hide_and_go/
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The flag in the moon is fading into an all white flag

Future generations will believe the French were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pt51e/the_flag_in_the_moon_is_fading_into_an_all_white/
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What's the difference between LIGHT and HARD?

You can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pt02b/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
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I've heard a lot of good puns in my day but....

the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3psvtr/ive_heard_a_lot_of_good_puns_in_my_day_but/
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I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.

Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3psvl5/i_just_melted_an_ice_cube_by_staring_at_it/
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The difference between sexists and misogynists...

Sexist: I like my women like I like my jeans - loose in the crotch!
Mysogynist: I like my women like I like my jeans - acid washed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3psu4n/the_difference_between_sexists_and_misogynists/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pst92/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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What do you call a Muslim organization that rejects Muhammed?

A non-prophet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pssbb/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_organization_that/
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A man gets pulled over by a cop...

And he takes the man's driver's license. He reads it and looks back at the driver.
"It says here that you need corrective lenses", the cop said. "Where are your glasses?"
The man replies, "But officer, I have contacts."
The cop glares at him. "I don't care who you know."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3psp2n/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
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A dog is a man's best friend

. Don't belive me?
Put your wife in the trunk, put your dog in the trunk, wait a couple of hours. After open the trunk and looks who's happy to see you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3psoyt/a_dog_is_a_mans_best_friend/
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Programming is like sex.

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pslps/programming_is_like_sex/
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Cold stew

A man walks into a diner, he see the special of the day, is cold stew and asks the waitress for a bowl of it. The waitress says "Sorry the guy at the next table just got the last bowl." "Thats fine" he replies "Ill just have a cup of coffee" as he sits drinking the coffee he notices the guy at the next table eating a sandwich drinking a coffee but not touching the stew. He leans in and asks "are you going to eat that?" "No, no, you can go ahead." the man says. He takes the stew and starts eating, not great, but not terrible, and its free. About half way through the bowl he comes across a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, he up and vomits back into the bowl. The guy at the next table leans over and says "Yea, thats how far I made it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3psjfu/cold_stew/
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So I went skiing with a man in a massive jacket...[Original Joke]

So I was going skiing last winter, and I was having a really good time. As I get on the lift to go up to the top of the mountain, a man in a massive puffy cotton jacket sits next to me. Now when I say massive, I mean MASSIVE! I'm not sure how this guy could move, nevermind ski. I start making polite conversation with the man. Turns out his name is Joseph, and he's here on vacation from some tropical place I didn't catch the name of (hence why he's so over dressed). Anyway, we make it to the top of the hill, and he suggests we go to the terrain park (with jumps and rails). I ask him if he's ever done that before and he says no, but that he'd like to try. I shrug my shoulders, tell him to be safe, and down the trail we go. Suddenly, he veers off and begins to take a rail on his skis. And wouldn't you know it, the armature is doing it! Yet all of a sudden, I see his ski slip, and he falls off the rail. I see his jacket explode in stuffing, blood starting to pool around his eyes. Poor guy must have hit his eye on the rail during the fall! I rush over to him to see if he's okay, but he quickly gets up, and stuffs a gob of the jacket stuffing in his eye. Then he just skis away! And to be honest, I don't know where he'd come from, I didn't know where he'd go, but all I knew was that he was Cotton-Eye Joe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3psiq7/so_i_went_skiing_with_a_man_in_a_massive/
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What were the founding father's favorite cereals?

Chex and Balance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3psik1/what_were_the_founding_fathers_favorite_cereals/
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I tried to think of an electricity pun

Now my head hertz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pshxy/i_tried_to_think_of_an_electricity_pun/
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A hobbyist metalsmith was arrested for displaying his handmade pennies in public. What was he charged with?

Indie-cent exposure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3psed0/a_hobbyist_metalsmith_was_arrested_for_displaying/
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What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3psdeq/what_do_you_do_if_you_come_across_a_tiger_in_the/
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People say that I'm skeptical

but I don't believe them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3psbbc/people_say_that_im_skeptical/
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I'm pretty bad at apologising..

So I just say... "unfuck you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3psan6/im_pretty_bad_at_apologising/
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On a flight with my friend, he asks "if the door was to blow open would we fall out?"

I reply "nah I'm pretty sure we'd still be friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ps8vz/on_a_flight_with_my_friend_he_asks_if_the_door/
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Moaning

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ps382/moaning/
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Why was Lara Croft sad?

Because her career was in ruins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ps1cs/why_was_lara_croft_sad/
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If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?

K9P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3przad/if_h2o_is_on_the_inside_of_a_fire_hydrant_whats/
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Subway is like prostitution

you pay someone else to do your wife's job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3prz5q/subway_is_like_prostitution/
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What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?

Phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pryrx/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_michael/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.
D:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3prurq/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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A man goes to the pet store...

And walks up to the shopkeep.
"I'd like to buy a dog please," the man said.
"Certainly sir, I think I have one you might like," replied the shopkeep.
The shopkeep then leads the man through to a room separate from the rest of the shop, that's completely empty except for a dog sitting on a dog's bed.
"Hmm, nice looking dog there," the man says.
"Thanks mate, I always appreciate a compliment," says the dog.
The man steps back in amazement.
"A talking dog, that's incredible! What are you doing here?"
"Well," the dog says, "I'm trying to keep a low profile. You see, I've been around a long time, and I've seen some things. I used to work for the CIA; best spy they ever had. As soon as they knew I could talk they sent me all over the world listening in to top secret conversations so I could report back to them and save the world. It's because of me the Berlin Wall's down."
"That's amazing!" Says the man. "But how did you end up here?"
"Ever since I was fired from the CIA for being too heroic, I've just been wandering around, telling stories to those who'd listen. I even told an old friend of mine an idea I had for a film once. A few years later that became Star Wars. But now, after a life of pure excitement and extreme living, I just want to settle down peacefully, so here I am."
The man is completely awestruck by all of this. "I'll be back in just a minute."
The man then walks back to the shopkeep.
"I'd like to buy that dog, please."
"Certainly, sir. That'll be ten dollars," the shopkeep says.
"Ten dollars?! Why? He's a talking dog!"
"Yeah, I know," replied the shopkeep, "but he's such a liar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3prqek/a_man_goes_to_the_pet_store/
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What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3prq3r/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
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What is globalization?

Question : What is globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death
Question : How come?
Answer :
An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on
Scottish whiskey, followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi, on
Japanese motorcycles, treated by an
American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by a
Canadian, using
Bill Gates' technology which he got from the
Japanese.
And you are probably reading this on
one of the IBM clones that use
Philippine-made chips, and
Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi
workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries
driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and finally
sold to you by a Chinese!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3prq1f/what_is_globalization/
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A Roman walks into a bar...

And he holds up two fingers. "Five beers, please," he asks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3prm8m/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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What happens when you eat too much seafood?

You begin to feel a little eel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3prkz7/what_happens_when_you_eat_too_much_seafood/
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The difference between being naughty and being kinky

Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3prke0/the_difference_between_being_naughty_and_being/
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What did one tonsil say to the other?

Get dressed, the doctor is taking us out tonight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3prk7h/what_did_one_tonsil_say_to_the_other/
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If you can say these four words very fast without getting tongue tied, you're a genius.

1) Eye
2) Yam
3) Stew
4) Peed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3privl/if_you_can_say_these_four_words_very_fast_without/
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What's the difference between a proclamation from the Vatican and a mail-order husband from ebay?

One's a papal mandate and the other's a paypal man-date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3prig5/whats_the_difference_between_a_proclamation_from/
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Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class.

Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down they want some too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3prgix/dating_a_stripper_is_like_eating_a_bag_of_chips/
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I used to be friends with a lot of metalheads.

But then, gradually, our relationships got a little bit rusty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pr8rn/i_used_to_be_friends_with_a_lot_of_metalheads/
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The priest, laywer, and engineer

By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined.  They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so.  They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens.  The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go.
They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine.  They pull the rope and again, nothing happens.  The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go.
Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine.  The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pr02f/the_priest_laywer_and_engineer/
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I'm sorry to hear that your uncle was killed by a boat in Venice...

My gondolences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pqz7y/im_sorry_to_hear_that_your_uncle_was_killed_by_a/
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What do termites put on their toast?

Door jamb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pqv4h/what_do_termites_put_on_their_toast/
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A German walks into a bar and orders a martini, the bartender asks "dry?"

The German says "Nein, just one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pquii/a_german_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_martini/
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Hitler was not very athletic.

He never finished a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pqtjr/hitler_was_not_very_athletic/
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Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day.

I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pqrmp/astronomers_got_tired_of_watching_the_moon_go/
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Are you a pinky toe?

Cause I'm gonna bang you on every piece of furniture in my house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pqgac/are_you_a_pinky_toe/
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What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pqflp/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
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I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for beastiality...

Then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pqesh/i_used_to_be_a_sadistic_necrophiliac_with_a/
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Why do single men live longer than married men?

Because they want to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pqeh6/why_do_single_men_live_longer_than_married_men/
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A ship wrecks onto a deserted island.

Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore so they keep having sex. After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing...
So they bury her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pqd47/a_ship_wrecks_onto_a_deserted_island/
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Did you hear about the party thief?

I mean I've seen some crazy people at parties, but this guy definitely takes the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pqckm/did_you_hear_about_the_party_thief/
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When someone says Jesus was a virgin

...I have to laugh. How about that one time he got nailed by a bunch of Romans?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pq9k3/when_someone_says_jesus_was_a_virgin/
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Condom origins

Did you know the condom was invented in a small village in wales in the 12th century. They thought it would be a good idea to use the lower intestine of a sheep to stop their wives becoming pregnant.
Of course, in the 1350's, the English improved on the idea. They took the lower intestine out of the sheep before they used it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pq857/condom_origins/
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Do you have holes in your socks?

You don't? Then how do you put your feet in?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pq6z9/do_you_have_holes_in_your_socks/
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SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate. Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pq6wd/san_francisco_man_becomes_first_american_to_grasp/
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Pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take off.......

"Thank you for flying with us this morning.
The weather is....."
Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers:
"Oh my God. OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt....Its burning"
A ghostly Silence reigned!
He gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers:
"I sincerely apologise for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap...you should see my pants."
One passenger replies -
"Why don't you come here and see Our PANTS"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pq2j8/pilot_was_welcoming_the_passengers_on_the_plane/
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A guy goes into a Muslim book store...

He walks in and asks,
"Do you have that new Donald Trump book?"
The Muslim at the counter responds,
"Donald Trump!, fuck you, leave, and never come back!"
"Ah yes that's the one, do you have it in paper back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pq18w/a_guy_goes_into_a_muslim_book_store/
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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None... he fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pptw8/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
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A cop stops an electron for speeding.

He says "Did you know you were going 100 mph?"
"Great", says the electron, "now I'm lost!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ppt1h/a_cop_stops_an_electron_for_speeding/
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Ghost joke

How could a ghost have two moms
One of them has to be a transparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pps7k/ghost_joke/
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How many potatos does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pprw1/how_many_potatos_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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Password

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the system password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called his wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ppq28/password/
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A chicken and an egg are laying in bed

. The chicken pulls out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, upset, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ppkiu/a_chicken_and_an_egg_are_laying_in_bed/
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Smart Ass

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pph9w/smart_ass/
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So the Jamaican said to the Arab..

"Aye where you from? You from tha beach mon?" The Arab replied "Yemen!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ppgrw/so_the_jamaican_said_to_the_arab/
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An optician fell into his lens grinder...

and made a spectacle of himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ppgny/an_optician_fell_into_his_lens_grinder/
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How do you tell if your girlfriend's ticklish?

You give her a test tickle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pow5v/how_do_you_tell_if_your_girlfriends_ticklish/
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What do you call a dog magician?

A Labracadabrador.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3povr8/what_do_you_call_a_dog_magician/
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I posted this joke 3 days ago

Fucking FedEx

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pov02/i_posted_this_joke_3_days_ago/
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I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3posdh/i_lent_a_hot_girl_my_umbrella_yesterday/
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TIL Australians don't have sex

They just mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pon9y/til_australians_dont_have_sex/
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Why did all the gay people in china go out to vote?

They thought it was erection day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pokab/why_did_all_the_gay_people_in_china_go_out_to_vote/
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Old Man and Old Woman in Nursing Home.

An old man and an old woman live in a nursing home.  Their spouses have died and they're lonely.  After meeting each other, they begin dating.  Because they're so old, they can't engage in sex anymore, but they like to just lie in bed, while the old woman holds the old man's penis.
This goes on for month, and then one day the old man stops coming around.  The old woman finds out the old man is seeing someone else.  She's distraught, and decides to confront him.
She sees him around the nursing home grounds and says, "how dare you!  We dated for months and you just stop talking to me and then I find out you're seeing another woman.  Laying down with her in her bed!  I had feelings for you!  Tell me, what does she have that I don't have?"
He replies, "Parkinson's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pohq4/old_man_and_old_woman_in_nursing_home/
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NSFW My friend told me how much she hated sucking dick.

I said I've never done it so I can't felate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pofzj/nsfw_my_friend_told_me_how_much_she_hated_sucking/
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computer humor

Graphics card says to the RAM "did you see that?" he replies "I Know".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3poda5/computer_humor/
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A Touching story

one day a boy was walking home from school and saw a cat lying motionless on the sidewalk. To satisfy his curiosity the boy walked up to the cat to see if it was injured or dead. He touched the cautiously the first time but there was no response. So He touched the cat again. He continued touching, touching and touching. Like i said in the title, this is a touching story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3poaiu/a_touching_story/
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Why do engineers confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Because OCT 31= DEC 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3po7sb/why_do_engineers_confuse_christmas_and_halloween/
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Old people poke me at weddings and tell me "you're next"

So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3po73o/old_people_poke_me_at_weddings_and_tell_me_youre/
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What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They can smell it but they can't eat it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3po5xe/what_do_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_delivery_boy/
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I started a website for female drivers...

but the damn thing kept crashing =D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3po4s5/i_started_a_website_for_female_drivers/
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Police ride along

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.  As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now.  I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."
I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw.  After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong.  I'm going to pull him over and let him know."
He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over.  I just wanted to compliment you.  I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation.  I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving."
The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pnyzj/police_ride_along/
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What do you call an atheist in a six foot pine box?

All dressed up, with no place to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pnwdx/what_do_you_call_an_atheist_in_a_six_foot_pine_box/
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Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pnvah/wife_how_would_you_describe_me/
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Did you hear about the mathematician ghost?

"No"
Well, Its the spirit that counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pnt6k/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_ghost/
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Why don't women fart?

They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pnrgd/why_dont_women_fart/
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seX

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pnpyh/sex/
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A horse walks into a bar...

...and the bartender says "are you feeling all right?" The horse replies,"I don't think I am," *POOF* the horse disappears.  This is of course a joke referencing the famous quote "I think, therefore I am." I would have explained this ahead of time but I didn't want to put *Descartes* before the horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pnou7/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?

One hundred people who don't do dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pnlmu/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_50_lawyers_in_a_room/
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What's Piccolo's preferred type of car?

DODGE!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pnl6l/whats_piccolos_preferred_type_of_car/
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It was a sad day when I discovered…

my new Universal Remote Control does not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pniej/it_was_a_sad_day_when_i_discovered/
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Life is like a box of chocolates ....

... It doesn't last as long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pnc92/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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My mum keeps asking if I have a girlfriend...

Give it a rest mum...it's never going to happen between us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pn7cd/my_mum_keeps_asking_if_i_have_a_girlfriend/
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A man boarded a plane and took his seat

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pn7at/a_man_boarded_a_plane_and_took_his_seat/
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No one is more excited for today than Michael J. Fox...

He's been shaking with anticipation for the last 25 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pn5m9/no_one_is_more_excited_for_today_than_michael_j/
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Never drink water while studying

It'll dilute your concentration

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pn3e5/never_drink_water_while_studying/
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What do you call an assault which is both positive and negative?

A battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pmuga/what_do_you_call_an_assault_which_is_both/
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During one of our lessons, I asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

"My Dad runs the fire station. He's the station officer," said Simon.
"Very good, Simon. Anyone else?"
"My Dad runs the local prison," piped up Billy.
"Excellent, Billy. Is he the prison governor?" I asked.
"No, sir, he's just the hardest cunt in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pmu2y/during_one_of_our_lessons_i_asked_the_children/
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Mickey Mouse is in court, trying to get a divorce from Minnie... "Mr. Mouse", says the judge, "I'm afraid you can't get a divorce just because your wife is a little strange."

"I didn't say she was a little strange, I said she was fucking Goofy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pmr6j/mickey_mouse_is_in_court_trying_to_get_a_divorce/
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Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?

Because they are all Targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pmnxb/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_iraq/
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Roses are red, violets are blue

Some poems rhyme
this is not one of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pml8h/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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Rubbing equal ?

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.  He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pmdks/rubbing_equal/
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A boy to his mother: Do you know how much suffering the poor beast had to endure for you to get this fur coat?

My boy, you mustn't talk so disrespectfully about your father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pm80u/a_boy_to_his_mother_do_you_know_how_much/
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I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles this morning.

Forgive me if I'm a bit grumpy today. I'm afraid my poop may spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pm7zc/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_scrabble_tiles_this/
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Thinking

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pm6is/thinking/
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What's the difference between America and yoghurt?

If you leave yoghurt alone for long enough it develops its own culture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pm5ea/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_yoghurt/
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The boy and the priest.

A touching story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pm1ej/the_boy_and_the_priest/
%
Why does a blonde woman close her eyes in front of the mirror?

To see how she looks like when sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pm0er/why_does_a_blonde_woman_close_her_eyes_in_front/
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Why don't north Koreans listen to funk?

Cos they've got no Seoul!
Thank you very much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3plyfc/why_dont_north_koreans_listen_to_funk/
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I've got a joke about odd numbers.

It's not even funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ply1d/ive_got_a_joke_about_odd_numbers/
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money...

decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3plwp0/a_blonde_wanting_to_earn_some_money/
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What's the difference between an expensive purchase and a loud noise that scares a chicken?

One costs an arm and a leg.  The other caused alarm and an egg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pltnb/whats_the_difference_between_an_expensive/
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A pirate walks into a bar...

...with a steering wheel mounted on his crotch.
He says to the bartender "Yar, I'll get me a rum."
The bartender says "Okay buddy. But first you gotta tell me... what's with the steering wheel on your crotch?"
The pirate says "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3plsrh/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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I once made a belt out of herbs.

It wasn't very useful and just ended up being a waist of thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3plq25/i_once_made_a_belt_out_of_herbs/
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Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3plox7/did_you_hear_mike_tyson_was_just_arrested_for/
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What US city has the dirtiest frozen waffles?

San Diego

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pllpf/what_us_city_has_the_dirtiest_frozen_waffles/
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Bad day at the pharmacy

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife, tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, my hand to God, all I did was tell her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ple8h/bad_day_at_the_pharmacy/
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Did you hear about the helicopter that crashed in the graveyard?

So far the police have found over 300 dead bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3plate/did_you_hear_about_the_helicopter_that_crashed_in/
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What was Forrest Gump's email password?

1forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pl9w5/what_was_forrest_gumps_email_password/
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I just found out that a gay friend of mine is OCD

He was the last person I expected to get upset about something not being straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pl8ay/i_just_found_out_that_a_gay_friend_of_mine_is_ocd/
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One night stand

I felt so bad about my one night stand. I think I'll buy another one for  the other side of the bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pl36y/one_night_stand/
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Last request...

A blindfolded man is about to be put to death by firing squad. The general walks up to him and asks if he has a last request.
"I would like to sing the song of my people one last time."
The general agrees and takes a step back.
"One million bottles of beer on the wall! One million bottles of beer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pkxov/last_request/
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I just got fired for putting my penis in the pickle slicer at the restaurant where I work

She only got docked a week's pay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pkv15/i_just_got_fired_for_putting_my_penis_in_the/
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A business man runs into an elevator at his hotel as the doors are closing

Sidewise slipping in as the doors close, And knocks an attractive business woman in her breast with his elbow. He blushes a bit and says "I'm sorry ma'am, but if your heart is half as soft as your breast you'll forgive me."
The woman does a twice over of the man, reaches into her purse and slips the man a room key. "If your dick can get half as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 722."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pktpt/a_business_man_runs_into_an_elevator_at_his_hotel/
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Are you the enemy of my enemy?

Asking for a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pkses/are_you_the_enemy_of_my_enemy/
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Women are too sensitive.

My friend said she was having twins. All I said was at least you'll finally have 2 kids with the same father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pkre2/women_are_too_sensitive/
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Mickey and Minnie go to a divorce lawyer

. The lawyer says "Mickey, it says here that would want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy? Mental illness is a sickness. Didnt you vow to love her in sickness and in health?" Mickey replied "You misunderstood. I never said she was crazy, I said she was fucking goofy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pkr9i/mickey_and_minnie_go_to_a_divorce_lawyer/
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Did you hear about the first Reich?

Or the second Reich?
The third Reich?
The fifth Reich?
The eight Reich?
Not even the thirteenth Reich?
Perhaps the twenty first Reich?
Huh. I guess you've never met any Fibbonazis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pko40/did_you_hear_about_the_first_reich/
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I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client.

Oops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pkn73/i_accidentally_flogged_another_dominatrixs_client/
%
Why do people love their smartphones so much?

Because opposites attract.  (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pkmtd/why_do_people_love_their_smartphones_so_much/
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What's the turnover rate for pornstars?

100%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pkliq/whats_the_turnover_rate_for_pornstars/
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Caitlyn Jenner comes with a warning label...

It says:
Warning - May contain traces of nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pkicn/caitlyn_jenner_comes_with_a_warning_label/
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What's the difference between garbanzo beans and chickpeas?

I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pkh62/whats_the_difference_between_garbanzo_beans_and/
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What program do Jedi use to open PDF files?

Adobe-Wan Kenobi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pkfc7/what_program_do_jedi_use_to_open_pdf_files/
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What's the trick to satisfying your wife or girlfriend with only 3.5 inches?

Visa or Mastercard?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pka13/whats_the_trick_to_satisfying_your_wife_or/
%
Two friends were out camping in the Carpathian Mountains

Dave, You asleep?
I was before you woke me, the fuck you want Bob?
Dave, tell me what you see?
Dave: I see the moon
Bob: And?
Dave: And it's full!
Bob: What else do you see?
Dave:I see the big dipper
Bob:And?
Dave: I see the little dipper also.
Bob: Is that all that you see?
And then it hits Dave...
Dave: Ah for fucks sake, someone stole our tent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pk9nl/two_friends_were_out_camping_in_the_carpathian/
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A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.  She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pk8bc/a_mother_and_father_took_their_6yearold_son_to_a/
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Life is like a penis.

It's soft and squishy until a girl comes along and makes it hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pk81j/life_is_like_a_penis/
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Autocorrect Disaster

A man decides to confess to his friend a secret he's been keeping for a long time over text.
“I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.”
The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: “Damn autocorrect. I meant ‘WiFi’ not ‘wife’.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pk55s/autocorrect_disaster/
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea, not the bay?

If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pk1mr/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea_not_the_bay/
%
Hey girl, are you my math homework?

Because I want to do you on the table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pjvw0/hey_girl_are_you_my_math_homework/
%
Whats the hardest thing about being a pedophile

Fitting in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pjvmd/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_being_a_pedophile/
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English can be weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pjsus/english_can_be_weird/
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(slightly dirty) What's the difference between a striptease artist and a trapeze artist

A trapeze artist has a cunning stunt....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pjqk0/slightly_dirty_whats_the_difference_between_a/
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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner

after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend.
I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pjllr/a_priest_was_being_honored_at_his_retirement/
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Why was Yoda afraid of seven?

Because six seven eight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pjdnc/why_was_yoda_afraid_of_seven/
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BLONDE LUCK

A blonde was at a gumball machine. She kept putting quarters in and getting gumballs out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm winning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pj7lt/blonde_luck/
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A man, his wife, his kid, and his dog all walk into a bar.

*Ouch!*
*Ouch!*
*Ouch!*
*Woof!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pj5vk/a_man_his_wife_his_kid_and_his_dog_all_walk_into/
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I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie

She was a victim of my crow aggressions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pj3x2/i_said_some_stubtly_racist_stuff_to_a_magpie/
%
My friend said he wanted to live in a hole

I said gopher it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pj3jz/my_friend_said_he_wanted_to_live_in_a_hole/
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How come Americans never play chess?

Because they are missing two towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3piy0x/how_come_americans_never_play_chess/
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Dark

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3piuv5/dark/
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Why does Waldo always wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pir43/why_does_waldo_always_wear_stripes/
%
The brain

is a amazing organ it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from the day you are born until you see your first woman naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3piqul/the_brain/
%
Slipped on a tube of toothpaste this morning.

I was crestfallen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pimqt/slipped_on_a_tube_of_toothpaste_this_morning/
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A Minsk fireman gets home from work...

... and says to his wife, "They told me that tomorrow I either go to Chernobyl or hand in my Party card."
"But you're not in the party," she replies.
"Right, so I'm wondering how do I get a Party card by tomorrow morning?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pihov/a_minsk_fireman_gets_home_from_work/
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What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?

A food fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pig67/what_do_you_call_a_war_between_two_cannibal_tribes/
%
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to do the changing and another to talk about how the last bulb was bigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3piedw/how_many_fishermen_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Dang girl, I want to treat you like my big toe...

...and bang you on every piece of furniture in the house.
(sorry if its been submitted before)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3piec1/dang_girl_i_want_to_treat_you_like_my_big_toe/
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What do you call Batman when he skips church?

Christian Bail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pie9q/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_skips_church/
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Two nuns were out walking in the woods

When two thugs jumped out from behind a bush and started raping the nuns, the first nun started praying to God, asking him to forgive the men as they knew not what they were doing, the second nun turned to the first and told her, yours might not know what he is doing but mine sure does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pia3u/two_nuns_were_out_walking_in_the_woods/
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Hey girl is your name Karl Marx?

Cuz you're starting an uprising in my lower classes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pi7lu/hey_girl_is_your_name_karl_marx/
%
What do you do when you see an epileptic throwing a fit in a bath tub?

You throw in some laundry and detergent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pi6jg/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_an_epileptic_throwing/
%
Make a Fire

Q: How do you make a fire with two sticks?
A: Make sure one is a match!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pi60a/make_a_fire/
%
Organised a threesome last night

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pi44a/organised_a_threesome_last_night/
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A teacher asks a student a question.

Teacher: If I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have?
Student: Seven.
Teacher: Listen carefully. If I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have?
Student: Seven.
Teacher: Okay, how about I put it this way. If I give you two apples, then two more apples, and then another two apples, how many apples do you have?
Student: Six.
Teacher: Good, you get it! So if I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have??
Student: Seven.
Teacher: Why the heck seven??
Student: Because I already have a cat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3phx5y/a_teacher_asks_a_student_a_question/
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[NSFW] Billy JO Bob was at a restaurant...

when a beautiful woman at a nearby table started choking on some food.   Without hesitation, he jumped up, spun her around and pulled her pants down.   He stuck his face in her ass and ran his tongue up it.
The woman screamed, expelling the food and turned to slap Billy Jo Bob.  "What the hell do you think you are doing!" she yelled.
"What's the problem?" he responded calmly.  "Ain't ya never heard of the hind lick manoeuvre?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3phu74/nsfw_billy_jo_bob_was_at_a_restaurant/
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Why should one masturbate while calling Comcast customer support?

Because getting fucked in the asshole when you are not horny feels awful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3phkl4/why_should_one_masturbate_while_calling_comcast/
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Watching Hot TV Commercial

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3phkh9/watching_hot_tv_commercial/
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Multi Syllable Word (:>)

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3phifp/multi_syllable_word/
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How do you know if your neighbor is gay?

His dick tastes like shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3phgif/how_do_you_know_if_your_neighbor_is_gay/
%
My paper aeroplane won't fly.

It's completely stationery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3phfsk/my_paper_aeroplane_wont_fly/
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I got a pay rise in my job.

At the end of the day, I went to the pub and bought a drink for everyone there.
I like to be generous, even if they did feel a bit weird sharing the same pint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3phawq/i_got_a_pay_rise_in_my_job/
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Tripped over my friends bra...

..she is always setting booby traps!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3phaqy/tripped_over_my_friends_bra/
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At willcall for a concert, I start a conversation with the lady in front of me.

It was the first time I had used a pick up line to talk to a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ph9bq/at_willcall_for_a_concert_i_start_a_conversation/
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What was the first 3D printer?

Your butthole!
*** This joke is awesome because it was created by a third grader where I teach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ph70w/what_was_the_first_3d_printer/
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DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ph5n9/divorced_drunk/
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A man walks into a sofa...

Couch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ph5it/a_man_walks_into_a_sofa/
%
When choosing a new password....

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ph4qv/when_choosing_a_new_password/
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Friends are like Snowflakes

If you pee on them, they disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pgwfo/friends_are_like_snowflakes/
%
Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby.

We need to stop this woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pgua6/every_5_seconds_a_woman_gives_birth_to_a_baby/
%
And then the God said:

"Noah, make a backup. I'm going to format"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pgs4b/and_then_the_god_said/
%
Grapes

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"Breath, stupid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pgmna/grapes/
%
Damn girl are you a Scientology Church?

Because after I come inside you I'm going to be thoroughly disappointed and end up paying large sums of money for the rest of my life just to leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pge7w/damn_girl_are_you_a_scientology_church/
%
Student explains 'The Formula for Water' ..

Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.
Teacher: That’s not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pgcj3/student_explains_the_formula_for_water/
%
Did you hear about the pedophile that never could win a race?

He was always coming in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pg6tq/did_you_hear_about_the_pedophile_that_never_could/
%
I just passed my drug test

my dealer has some explaining to do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pg66t/i_just_passed_my_drug_test/
%
A man walks up to Parliament Hall...

Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper immediately!
Guard: I'm sorry sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.
##The man leaves. The next day, the man comes back again.
Man: Please, I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!
Guard: Like I told you yesterday sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.
##The man once again leaves. On the third day, he's back again.
Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!
The guard says: Sir, why do you keep coming back? This is the third time I'm telling you, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.
The man replies: I know, I just can't get tired of hearing you say that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pg5v8/a_man_walks_up_to_parliament_hall/
%
Thought my friend was an alcoholic because he wouldn't shut up about the bar

turns out he was studying to be a lawyer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pg4ep/thought_my_friend_was_an_alcoholic_because_he/
%
What do you call.....

What do you call dead black people in a barn?
Antique farm equipment!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pg1b7/what_do_you_call/
%
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police

one day. When suddenly, they happened upon a barn. They ran inside to escape the boys in blue and barred the door on their way in. All that was in the barn was a few cows, a couple of pigs, and a pile of potatoes. They could hear the sirens approaching so they had to act fast. The brunette hid behind the cows, the redhead hid behind the pigs, and the blond behind the potatoes. The police broke in and surveyed the area. The brunette, trying to be inconspicuous, decided to imitate the cows. She let out a great big "Moooooo!" The redhead did the same, letting out a pig squeal. The blond, in the spur of the moment, let out the loudest noise of them all. "POOOOTTTAATTTOOOOOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pg0sp/a_blond_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_running_from/
%
What's the importance of capitalization?

You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pfyj8/whats_the_importance_of_capitalization/
%
I guarantee you Adam & Eve were white.

You ever try and take a rib from a black man?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pfxtd/i_guarantee_you_adam_eve_were_white/
%
Mike Tyson refuses to play on any Playstation...

He is an Ex-Boxer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pfxno/mike_tyson_refuses_to_play_on_any_playstation/
%
When I asked my husband what he wanted to do right before bed...

He told me he wanted to cuddle, hold hands, and talk about our feelings. I was a bit surprised, but I agreed to stay up and talk. He got into bed beside me, snuggled up, and held my hand. I said, "so, tell me what you feel" to which he replied "I feel like I wanna fuck".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pfwki/when_i_asked_my_husband_what_he_wanted_to_do/
%
Son, do we have any dopted?

Son: What is a dopted?
Dad: You are!
Son: Ha ha funny one                                                          dad.(Sarcastically)
Dad: I'm not your dad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pfw17/son_do_we_have_any_dopted/
%
I like my beer like I like my violence...

...domestic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pft7j/i_like_my_beer_like_i_like_my_violence/
%
I like women the way I like my wine...

Locked up in the cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pfre7/i_like_women_the_way_i_like_my_wine/
%
What's the name of the operation to change a woman into a man?

Addadictomy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pfpd4/whats_the_name_of_the_operation_to_change_a_woman/
%
Damn girl, are you a haunted house?

Because I'm scared to come inside you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pfj7p/damn_girl_are_you_a_haunted_house/
%
My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pff43/my_grandpa_would_always_tell_me/
%
A husband and wife...

Were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pfdaz/a_husband_and_wife/
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Sunday School (somewhat NSFW)

Little June was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping:
"Tell me, June, who created the universe?"
When June didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted June.
"Very good!" the teacher said and June fell asleep again.
A while later the teacher asked June, once again:
"Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, again, June didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted June and the teacher said,
"Very good! I'm proud of you, June," and she fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked June a third question:
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time June jumped up and shouted,
"IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING AT ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Very good!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pf8m8/sunday_school_somewhat_nsfw/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalotapus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pf6g2/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
How do you throw a party in space?

You planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pf4up/how_do_you_throw_a_party_in_space/
%
How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office?

Erections

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pey97/how_did_a_sexy_but_unqualified_japanese_woman_get/
%
I got married to an antenna...

The wedding was ok, but the reception was awesome!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3peuyg/i_got_married_to_an_antenna/
%
2 blondes walk into a building

You would think one of them would have seen it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3peups/2_blondes_walk_into_a_building/
%
Duct tape is like the Force...

...there's a light side and a dark side, and it keeps the Universe together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3per5r/duct_tape_is_like_the_force/
%
Did you get that?????

Unscramble these words!
1.) PNEIS
2.) HTIELR
3.) NGGERI
4.) BUTTSXE
Did you get SPINE, LITHER, GINGER and SUBTEXT?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pecuo/did_you_get_that/
%
Which side of a chicken has more feathers?

The outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pebiv/which_side_of_a_chicken_has_more_feathers/
%
I just lost my virginity to a retarded girl

I wanted my first time to be special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pe2ia/i_just_lost_my_virginity_to_a_retarded_girl/
%
My girlfriend's dog came running up to us for a cuddle.

"I love you Freddy," she said, stroking his fur.
"I love him more than you," I replied.
She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most."
I said, "You misunderstood me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pdxwa/my_girlfriends_dog_came_running_up_to_us_for_a/
%
My church says to treat my body like a temple.

And let all the priests inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pdsxw/my_church_says_to_treat_my_body_like_a_temple/
%
Hey girl, do you like trucks?

Cause I got a semi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pdsne/hey_girl_do_you_like_trucks/
%
An old woman wants to make love to her husband.

She shows up completely naked while he is watching TV. The man says: 'What are you doing?'. She answers with: 'I am wearing the Dress Of Love, do you like it?'.    He thinks a little while and replies: 'You know, it might have looked better if you ironed it first'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pdrx7/an_old_woman_wants_to_make_love_to_her_husband/
%
In a crime scene....

"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"
"Well, the vic was found naked in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut murder case if you ask me"
"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during sex"
"So it was a suicide then...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pdr1r/in_a_crime_scene/
%
What's the fastest thing in Bulgaria?

Light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pdq2d/whats_the_fastest_thing_in_bulgaria/
%
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years...

...He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.  His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.  He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."  The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"  At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.  A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pdprj/an_old_arab_lived_close_to_new_york_city_for_more/
%
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?

A: She can't find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pdpd2/q_why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
%
A Man Was Driving His Wife Says?

A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when they were stopped by the police. “Sir, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer. “No, I had no idea that I was speeding,” replied the husband. “Of course you were,” interrupted the wife, “you’re always speeding.” The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said, “And did you know your brake light is broken sir?” “No, I had no idea that it was broken,” replied the husband. Again the wife interrupted, “Of course you knew it was broken. You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.” The officer began to sympathize for the husband and said, “Does she always talk to you like this?” The wife said, “Only when he’s drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pdkkk/a_man_was_driving_his_wife_says/
%
How do churches stay so strong?

They pray on the weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pdaj8/how_do_churches_stay_so_strong/
%
Keep away from professioanal dermotologists

They make rash decisions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pd88e/keep_away_from_professioanal_dermotologists/
%
A Preacher was explaining

that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and Proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said
'Screw him!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pd6if/a_preacher_was_explaining/
%
Being Bipolar sucks...

I love it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pd653/being_bipolar_sucks/
%
The moist finger

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, at first encountering resistance but then plunging in, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds, before I knew it, she was going down on me.
And I thought to myself..... "I really need a new freakin' boat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pd4s5/the_moist_finger/
%
My hot dislexic co-worker said she had an important massage to give me in her office...

When I got there, she told me it can wait until I put on some clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pd3xt/my_hot_dislexic_coworker_said_she_had_an/
%
TIL that diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pd003/til_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS

A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pcyl4/extralarge_condoms/
%
I said to the wife, "I'm horny."

"What you want me to do?"
"Have sex with me."
"Oh, really?"
"No, just joking," I laughed. "I just wanted to give you a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pcxse/i_said_to_the_wife_im_horny/
%
Today's Top Joke

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pcx43/todays_top_joke/
%
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside

with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pcubs/muldoon_lived_alone_in_the_irish_countryside/
%
I have this horrible tofu joke I'm afraid to post...

It's really tasteless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pct7r/i_have_this_horrible_tofu_joke_im_afraid_to_post/
%
This is Gold

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.  So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.  Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.  I’m scared.  I think I’m going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.  Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." "Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pcs2n/this_is_gold/
%
What do you call a black hitchhiker?

Stranded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pcqdv/what_do_you_call_a_black_hitchhiker/
%
What type of bees make milk...?

Boo-bees!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pcmnf/what_type_of_bees_make_milk/
%
NSFW What's the difference between sex and lunch?

Depends on where you put the cucumber.
Worked in a fruit and veg shop, guy stopped me packing cucumbers to tell me that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pcmb2/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_sex_and_lunch/
%
What do you call the kids claiming "We don't need no education"?

Comfortably Dumb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pckzj/what_do_you_call_the_kids_claiming_we_dont_need/
%
"I know everybody!"

Bob and Jeff are talking amongst themselves, when Bob says "I know every single person in the world."
Jeff says "That's not possible! There's no way you can know everybody in the world."
"Okay," Bob replies with a smug look, "I'll prove it. Let's go see my friend Bill Gates."
With that, they hop in a plane and fly to Medina, Washington and drive to Bill Gates' house.
When they arrive at the front gate, a little screen activates and Bill's face shows up on the screen."
"Bob! It's great to see you again! Please come inside!"
After having lunch with Bill Gates, Jeff still doesn't believe Bob.
"I'm calling bullshit. You knowing Bill Gates was a lucky strike. There's no way you know Obama."
"Let's go say hello, shall we?"
Once again, the two men get into a plane and fly to the White House, where they are greeted by Barack Obama.
"Hi, Bob! How are you? It's been too long."
Bob and Jeff proceeded to have a wonderful dinner with Obama.
After they left, Jeff looked over at Bob.
"I'm amazed, but I'm absolutely sure that you don't know Queen Elizabeth."
"Actually, I was planning on seeing her soon anyway." Bob replies, and as you can probably guess, they got into a plane and flew to London, England.
When they arrived at Buckingham Palace, there was a huge crowd around the stage where Queen Elizabeth does her famous wave.
"Man, she's never going to see me in this crowd!" Bob whined.
"Tell you what," he says as he turns to Jeff, "I'll get into the Palace, and I'll go up on stage with her. That'll prove I know her."
"Fine," Jeff says.
Bob went into the palace, and Jeff waited in this huge crowd for a few minutes. Then, the Queen walked up with Bob and they did the famous wave.
When Bob came back into the crowd, he could see an ambulance with Jeff on a stretcher.
"Jeff!" Bob shouted, "What happened?"
Jeff looked up at Bob and said "When I saw you up on the stage, I was pretty impressed. Then, I passed out when the guy next to me said 'Hey, who's that lady up there with Bob?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pcib5/i_know_everybody/
%
What happened when the joke about terrorists got to the front page?

It blew up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pchw5/what_happened_when_the_joke_about_terrorists_got/
%
kids should never swear

one afternoon these two brothers were talking, one was 5 and the other was 6, the 6 year old said 'tomorrow, we are going to swear in front of mom'
so the next day the mom asked 'what cereal do you boys want?'
'fucking cornflakes' replayed the 6 year old, the mom sent him to his room. she looked at the 5 year old and said 'what would you like?'
'not fucking cornflakes'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pcf8x/kids_should_never_swear/
%
I used to work in children’s wear,

but I grew out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pceez/i_used_to_work_in_childrens_wear/
%
What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

A hockey player takes shower after three periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pc671/whats_the_difference_between_a_hockey_player_and/
%
The business deal...

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders 50.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50 and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each.
Business is Business!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pc4z2/the_business_deal/
%
What do you call a 12 year old protein?

A pretein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pc4j2/what_do_you_call_a_12_year_old_protein/
%
3 drunk guys

enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pc2e7/3_drunk_guys/
%
Two scirntist walk into a bar...

1st Scientist - "I'll have an H2O."
2nd Scientist - "I'll have an H2O,too."
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictates the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pc20g/two_scirntist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
This should raise a dry smile, then...

The knight approached the king and said, "Sire, we have spent the past two weeks destroying and pillaging the towns of your enemies to the West."
"What?" said the king, concerned. "I don't have any enemies in the West!"
"Oh," said the knight. "Well, you do now..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pbzwl/this_should_raise_a_dry_smile_then/
%
Started teaching my son and his friends Karate...

I'm not qualified I just really enjoy kicking children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pbwq9/started_teaching_my_son_and_his_friends_karate/
%
I have stopped drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pbrbc/i_have_stopped_drinking_for_good/
%
I was in a bar last night, saw this beautiful woman...

... like a supermodel.
I walked up, I was like "Hey, where you from? What do you do?"
She goes, "Oh, me, I live here in San Francisco. I am a brain surgeon."
I don't know if this makes me sexist but I was really impressed...
Most women... can't pull of sarcasm.
credit: Anthony Jeselnik

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pbqji/i_was_in_a_bar_last_night_saw_this_beautiful_woman/
%
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pbo2r/why_do_squirrels_swim_on_their_backs/
%
I found out I was colorblind last week...

...came right out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pbksj/i_found_out_i_was_colorblind_last_week/
%
So I was fingering this girl, she said put 2 in so I did.

She said put your whole hand in so I did, next she demanded the other hand so I obliged.  Finally she said "now clap your hands"  I said "I can't"  to which she replied "Pretty tight huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pbir6/so_i_was_fingering_this_girl_she_said_put_2_in_so/
%
What did the farmer say about his missing vegetables?

Lettuce pray they turnip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pbdtw/what_did_the_farmer_say_about_his_missing/
%
A Mechanic is down on his luck...

He had been unemployed for a rather long time and decided to open a medical clinic. Ouside of the clinic he put a sign that read: "A cure for your ailment gauranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A doctor sees this and thinks this is a good opportunity to make an easy $1,000. So he goes into the clinic.
Doctor: I have lost my sense of taste.
Mechanic: Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth.
The nurse does just that.
Doctor: This is gasoline!
Mechanic: Congratulations! You've got your sense of taste back. That will be $500.
The doctor gets annoyed and decides to go back several days later to recover is $500.
Doctor: I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.
Mechanic: Nurse, please bring me the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth.
Doctor: But that's gasoline!
Mechanic: Congratulations! You've got your memory back! That will be $500.
The doctor leaves angry that he is now out $1,000. After several days he comes back, determined to get his money back.
Doctor: My eyes, they're weak, I can't see a thing.
Mechanic: Well, I don't have any medicine for that. Take this $1000 check...
The mechanic hands the doctor a check for $5.
Doctor: But this is just $5.
Mechanic: Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pbcss/a_mechanic_is_down_on_his_luck/
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A woman walks into a drugstore....

She asks the druggist if they have vibrators.  The druggist motions with is finger and says... "Come this way".  The woman look at him disgustedly and says... "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the damn vibrator!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pbayb/a_woman_walks_into_a_drugstore/
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For our 25 year anniversary, my wife asked me for a present that goes from 0-200 in seconds.

I got her a bathroom scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pbah2/for_our_25_year_anniversary_my_wife_asked_me_for/
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Old but Gold (Apologies if posted numerous times before)

Two adventurers are captured by a tribe. Their shaman says that they must find 100 fruits of the same kind for a challenge, or they shall be eaten. The adventurers set off and a few hours later the first one brings back 100 cherries. The shaman tells the man that if he can go through the process of having all of them shoved up his ass without making a noise, he'll be set free. After 98 cherries, the man bursts out in laughter. The shaman, almost sad that he didn't make it, asked why he started laughing so close to the end. The man points up at his approaching friend hauling 100 pineapples in a makeshift cart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pb7u3/old_but_gold_apologies_if_posted_numerous_times/
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What do you call it when batman skips church?

Christian Bail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pb48y/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
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An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and German are watching a street performer do some magic tricks.

The magician notices that the four men have a poor view, so he stands up on a wooden box and calls out to them, "Can you all see me now?"
And they respond:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pb3d9/an_englishman_frenchman_spaniard_and_german_are/
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Why couldn't the radish finish the race?

He was just a little beet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pb3db/why_couldnt_the_radish_finish_the_race/
%
Why was Han solo so suspicious after sticking his dick in Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pb0bv/why_was_han_solo_so_suspicious_after_sticking_his/
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How do you get Holy Water?

You put water in a pot and boil the HELL out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pb06r/how_do_you_get_holy_water/
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[Fixed] They say when you shave it, it grows back thicker.

That explains what happened to those pounds my wife "shaved off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3paz9v/fixed_they_say_when_you_shave_it_it_grows_back/
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A lorry load of wigs has been stolen from down town.

Police are combing the area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3paxjk/a_lorry_load_of_wigs_has_been_stolen_from_down/
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How do you surprise a blind man?

Stick a plunger in the toilet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pavk8/how_do_you_surprise_a_blind_man/
%
Why are pills white?

Because they work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pau8q/why_are_pills_white/
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What do you call an overweight homosexual?

Jigglypuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3parwr/what_do_you_call_an_overweight_homosexual/
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Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew?

All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3parv4/why_havent_i_ever_met_a_full_blooded_jew/
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One evening...

...a father passed his daughter’s bedroom and heard her saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped to listen and heard her say, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandpa, bye bye Grandma.” How odd, thought father, but he didn’t want his daughter to know he’d been listening so he didn’t say anything to her. But tragically, next day Grandma collapsed and died.
A few months went by and one evening father heard his daughter praying again. “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, bye bye Grandpa. No, it couldn’t mean anything thought father apprehensively, but next morning they received a phone call to say that Grandpa had passed away in his sleep!
The household got back to normal and almost a year passed before father heard his daughter again. “God bless mommy, bye bye daddy.” Absolutely panic-stricken, father stayed up all night, too frightened to sleep in case he didn’t wake up. The next morning he walked to work instead of taking the car, in case there was an accident, and spent the day at his desk doing very little but worrying.
When he got home that evening he collapsed into a chair, his nerves in pieces, and told his wife all about the nightmare day that he’d had. She replied, “You’re not the only one to have had a bad day. This morning when I opened the front door I found the gasman dead on the front doorstep.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3paqxz/one_evening/
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Do you know the definition of a bonehead?

Someone who's marrow minded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3paqsa/do_you_know_the_definition_of_a_bonehead/
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My sister is a 13 on the pH scale.

She's basic but can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3papfw/my_sister_is_a_13_on_the_ph_scale/
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All the toilets have been stolen from Scotland Yard

The police have nothing to go on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pakob/all_the_toilets_have_been_stolen_from_scotland/
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If you ever get cold

Just stand in a corner for a bit, they're usually around 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pajw6/if_you_ever_get_cold/
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What is Juan's favorite book to read?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pajnx/what_is_juans_favorite_book_to_read/
%
What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pafvw/what_do_you_call_a_belt_made_out_of_watches/
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What is a Jawa's favorite vegetable?

Zucchini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3paer9/what_is_a_jawas_favorite_vegetable/
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There was a church that needed a new bell ringer

, so they put out a call in the village for tryouts. One of them is a local homeless guy with no arms The priest almost laughs when the guy asks to try out.
"How are you going to ring the bell?" the priest asks.
"Let me show you," the man replies. So the two of them climb up the bell tower. The priest watches as the man backs up, gets a running start and slams his face into the bell. The results is the most beautiful "BONNNNNNNGGGGGG" the priest has ever heard.
"You're hired," he says. For years, the homeless man serves as the church's bell ringer, sleeping with the livestock and waking up ever morning to slam his face into the bell. His stench grows worse, and nobody ever gets close enough to learn the man's name.
One day, the man is tasked with ringing the bell during a thunderstorm. He gets his running start, and right when he's about to launch himself into the bell, he loses his footing on the wet floor and slides across and out the window, where he falls to his death.
A crowd gathers around his lifeless body on the cobblestones below.
"Who is he?" asks someone.
"I don't know," comes the reply, "but his face rings a bell."
**source:** http://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/3p86gr/til_that_so_many_people_died_by_ringing_church/cw4a1we

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pa95x/there_was_a_church_that_needed_a_new_bell_ringer/
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There's a sale on deer testicles.

They're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pa8ev/theres_a_sale_on_deer_testicles/
%
what's grey and comes in quarts?

an elephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pa5n3/whats_grey_and_comes_in_quarts/
%
What's black and screaming?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pa0r0/whats_black_and_screaming/
%
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant...

But then i changed my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p9oh3/i_wasnt_originally_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
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A man wakes up late for work

He gets dressed and rushes out the door and runs into a huge line of traffic. After much patience he finally gets to work. Because of his exhaustion he goes to the break room to get coffee and there was a line going out the room for the coffee machine. After waiting for what seemed like forever he finally got his cup of joe. Once his work day was over he finally got up and went to the elevator to go down to his car and there was a HUGE line there after finally getting to the elevator and eventually his car his girlfriend calls him and asks him to pick some stuff up before they hit the club that night. He goes to the local market and encounters yet another long ass line leading to the checkout. Frustrated he finally gets home and him and his gf leave to go to the party. As if things couldn't get any worse there was a line snaking around the outside of the club just to get in. Once they are finally in the club and having fun, his gf asks him to get her some punch. And there is no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p9npy/a_man_wakes_up_late_for_work/
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So a man on a plane sees the sexiest woman alive...

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
*I am reposting something from facebook to share ha*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p9nkz/so_a_man_on_a_plane_sees_the_sexiest_woman_alive/
%
They say when you shave it grows back thicker.

Can't wait to see my new cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p9mdb/they_say_when_you_shave_it_grows_back_thicker/
%
A duck walks into a bar...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”
“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.
“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck.  “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
“Certainly, sorry about that” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint.  “It ‘s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.  “I’m a plasterer.”
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “you’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”
“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”
So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, “hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”
“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck.  “Where is it?”
“At the circus,” says the barman.
“The circus?” repeats the duck.
“That’s right,” replies the barman.
“The circus?” the duck asks again. “With the big TENT?”
“Yeah,” the barman replies.
“With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?” says the duck.
“Of course,” the barman replies.
“And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.
“That’s right!” says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..
“What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p9jqk/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p9f98/what_do_the_mafia_and_pussies_have_in_common/
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Farmer Bill and Farmer Joe

were sitting in a bar, drinking and joking around, the conversation soon falls silent.
"Ya know what Joe?" Says Bill "I aint had enough education, tomorrow im going to night school!"
"Good idea Bill," says Joe "Tell me how it goes!"
The next day Bill visits the collage to aplly for night school.
"Good afternoon," says the class registrator "How may I help you?"
"Hiya, I'm here to sign up to night school, can you give me some information on the classes?" Asks Bill
"Certainly, we teach all the core subjects, Math, Science, English and Logic"
"Logic? Whats that all about?" Askes Bill
"It's easier if I give you an example" Explains the registrator "Do you own a leaf blower?" He askes
"As a matter of fact I do!" Answers Bill
"Seeing as you own a leaf blower" the registator continues "I can deduce that you have a yard, and by knowing that I can establish that you have a house, and with that house you must have a family, because you have a family, can figure out that you are married, therefor you must be a heterosexual male!"
"Gosh darn!" Exclames Bill "Thats amazing, you figured out my sexuality because I have a leaf blower! Sign me up, i'll see you next week!" Says Bill
That night Bill is at the bar with Joe, telling him all about his new classes,
"Logic?" Askes Joe
"Well let me explain," say Bill "Do you have a leaf blower?"
"Nope"
"Then your gay"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p9ex5/farmer_bill_and_farmer_joe/
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My girlfriend just texted me "myspacebarisbrokencanyougivemeanalternative?"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p93ex/my_girlfriend_just_texted_me/
%
Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months?

The box said 2-4 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p92pj/why_did_the_blonde_get_excited_after_finishing/
%
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p8p93/why_dont_you_ever_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/
%
What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?

José and Josb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p8jtf/what_did_the_mexican_firefighter_name_his_two_sons/
%
A man with anxiety accidentally annoyed the cartel

He began seeing a psychiatrist because of hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p8hlg/a_man_with_anxiety_accidentally_annoyed_the_cartel/
%
What do you call a Mexican who can't find his vehicle?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p8hcx/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_cant_find_his/
%
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.

I get to the end and think, "Well that's not gonna happen.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p8ga4/i_read_recipes_the_same_way_i_read_science_fiction/
%
A man buys condoms at a drugstore ...

The cashier asks "You need a bag with this?"
and the man answers "No! She's not *that* ugly!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p8g4o/a_man_buys_condoms_at_a_drugstore/
%
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle the bitch to death'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p8cml/the_fbi_had_an_opening_for_an_assassin/
%
Why are London buses red?

Because they have to come every 10 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p8bki/why_are_london_buses_red/
%
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybeeee...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p8b4g/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p896o/did_you_hear_about_the_new_corduroy_pillows/
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A woman shot her husband.

A woman shot her husband for walking on her freshly mopped floor.
When the police arrived at the house the sergeant contacted one of the officers over the radio:
"Have you arrested her yet?" The sergeant asked.
"Not yet" replied the officer, "the floor's still wet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p896g/a_woman_shot_her_husband/
%
What do you call a group of white people

A group you racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p889e/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_white_people/
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The banana asked the vibrator...

The banana asked the Vibrator
"Why are *you* shaking, shes going to *eat* me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p84nr/the_banana_asked_the_vibrator/
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If Pingu started a metal band...

It would be called Slipnoot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p840h/if_pingu_started_a_metal_band/
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What does the 'B' in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?

Benoit B Mandelbrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p80gc/what_does_the_b_in_benoit_b_mandelbrot_stand_for/
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Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...

...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p7z6r/girl_you_remind_me_of_an_alarm_clock/
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Yeah It is Result of Marriage

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p7xiz/yeah_it_is_result_of_marriage/
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What do you call a man with no legs?

You call him by his fucking name what's wrong with you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p7vcg/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_legs/
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Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet

but most have just four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p7tjk/crocodiles_can_grow_up_to_20_feet/
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Bananas

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
RIP Mitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p7th9/bananas/
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When everyone is sharing the jokes of the day on Facebook but...

You  already reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p7ryu/when_everyone_is_sharing_the_jokes_of_the_day_on/
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A man walks into a gun shop.

He looks over the guns until the cashier asks what he wants. The man couldn't decide so the cashier asked, "what are you shooting?" The man said "cans". The cashier asked, "what kind of cans?" The man took a pause, than finally said "oh you know, Americans, Mexicans, Africans."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p7ovp/a_man_walks_into_a_gun_shop/
%
Going to the psychiatrist

"The blonde patient pleaded with her psychiatrist. "Kiss me! Please, kiss me!"
"No," said the psychiatrist, "that's unethical Miss. I shouldn't even be screwing you."
Was reading and just had to share it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p7lar/going_to_the_psychiatrist/
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Why Irish pubs are the best

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Patty Sheehan, then Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?", the Pom said.
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p7huy/why_irish_pubs_are_the_best/
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There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p7b4b/there_was_a_man_who_entered_a_local_newspapers/
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So there's this school play...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger have to put on a play featuring their favorite musical composers. They each toil over who they will play, until the next day they meet.
Stallone goes first.
"I'll be Mozart"
Next up is Chuck Norris.
"I'll be Beethoven".
Happy that no one picked his composer, Arnold announces "I'll be Bach".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p7801/so_theres_this_school_play/
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What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?

Quattro Sinko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p74wc/what_do_you_call_four_mexicans_in_quicksand/
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I once met a guy who had a law fetish.

He got off on a technicality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p747x/i_once_met_a_guy_who_had_a_law_fetish/
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I don't trust left handed people

They're never right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p73dz/i_dont_trust_left_handed_people/
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George Takei, George Clooney, George Lucas, and George R.R. Martin decided to have a barbecue.

They named their little get-together the "George" Four-Man Grill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p72vw/george_takei_george_clooney_george_lucas_and/
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[NSFW] What do woman and airplanes have in common?

They both have cockpits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p72qg/nsfw_what_do_woman_and_airplanes_have_in_common/
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There once was a woman who had 100 children...

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p71fs/there_once_was_a_woman_who_had_100_children/
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There was this ancient pagan ritual where they would hit the ground with sticks and shout out.

Today we call it golf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6zq6/there_was_this_ancient_pagan_ritual_where_they/
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Did you hear the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6zco/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_deaf_guy/
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How do you get a one armed Canadian out of a tree?

Wave to him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6wee/how_do_you_get_a_one_armed_canadian_out_of_a_tree/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a plus sized stripper dancing on a table..

He tells her, "Nice legs!"
"Wow, you really think so?"
"Definitely," he replies, "most tables would have collapsed for sure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6vg7/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_plus_sized/
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If it walks and talks like Stephen Hawking...

It's probably not Stephen Hawking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6uos/if_it_walks_and_talks_like_stephen_hawking/
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What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A Private Tutor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6rke/what_do_you_call_someone_who_refuses_to_fart_in/
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I just took nitrous oxide, and laxatives.

For shits, and giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6psg/i_just_took_nitrous_oxide_and_laxatives/
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Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6pcv/bank_robber_pulls_out_gun_points_it_at_the_teller/
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see which one is best at his job.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see which one is best at their job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:
“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6o9r/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_want_to_see_which/
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A blonde strolls into her new office job at 10:30

The manager comes up to her and says, "you should have been here at nine o'clock," to which the blonde responds "why what happened?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6m50/a_blonde_strolls_into_her_new_office_job_at_1030/
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"How high are you! ?" demanded the officer.

"No Officer, it's "Hi, how are you?"." replied the kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6lw3/how_high_are_you_demanded_the_officer/
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What is a kinda cool vegetable?

Radish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6kdq/what_is_a_kinda_cool_vegetable/
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Do you like whales?

Cause I thought we could "Humpback" at my place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6jy8/do_you_like_whales/
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Ten Dollar Hooker

A man goes to see a ten dollar hooker, then he gets crabs.
He goes back to her to complain and she tells him
"What the hell did you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6gmt/ten_dollar_hooker/
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This Christian rock band is so bad...

...I want to die right now so I can complain in person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6gbj/this_christian_rock_band_is_so_bad/
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What kind of weapon does a seasoned vet use?

A salt rifle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6e97/what_kind_of_weapon_does_a_seasoned_vet_use/
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What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6bat/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
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A piece of string walks into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender replies, "I'm sorry sir we don't serve string here, you are going to have to leave."
The piece of string then walks outside and ties his arms and legs around his neck and splits his head into thinner strands. He then heads back into the bar. He walks up to the bartender and say, "One beer please."
The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?"
The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p69tl/a_piece_of_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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[NSFW]Four men preparing to become priests...

Four men were preparing to become priests, and they were on the last few trials. They passed all of the trials before the final with flying colors and were considered the elite. The man initiating the final trial told them the scenario. "All of you strip down to nothing and tie this bell around your penis using the string. Once done, stand still arm-to-arm with each other and make sure that the bell does not go off until I say 'finished'. Once the trial is done, you'll all be initiated into priesthood!"
All 4 men did as such and stood arm-to-arm. The man came back into the room, and following him was one of the most beautiful woman any of them had seen. The woman began walking in front of each of them and as she walked in front of the first man, his bell started going off. He hung his head in shame. The woman walked in front of the second ~~wo~~man and the same happened to him. Next, she walked in front of the third man and his bell rang so hard that his bell fell off. She walked by the fourth, and his bell remained silent. She exited the room and the fourth was congratulated for passing all of the trials. "Pick up your bell number three" he said. As the third bent over and picked up his bell, the fourth's bell began ringing so hard, it fell off as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p6970/nsfwfour_men_preparing_to_become_priests/
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What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spit, swallow and gargle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p67j8/whats_the_difference_between_love_true_love_and/
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How I learned to mind my own buisness.

I was out for a walk and passed a mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting: "13... 13... 13..."
The fence was too high for me to see over, but I saw a small gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on in there.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting: "14... 14... 14..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p65fi/how_i_learned_to_mind_my_own_buisness/
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My mum sent me a text saying, "I've got a funny game."

"What is it?" I replied.
She said, "For every text you send to me, you have to put 'you' at the end."
"That's the stupidest idea since...you!" I replied.
She said, "Son, what does MILF stand for?"
"I'm not falling for that." I added.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p63bs/my_mum_sent_me_a_text_saying_ive_got_a_funny_game/
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"Hello Mr. Ress, how have you been?" asked the psychologist.

"I feel as though people use me as something to fall back on." he replied.
"And why do you think that is, Matt?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p61o8/hello_mr_ress_how_have_you_been_asked_the/
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I own the tallest horse in town.

When I sit on it, I understand what it's like to be a vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p5xkp/i_own_the_tallest_horse_in_town/
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Resume

I walked into an interview for a new job and handed over my resume. The interviewer began reading the resume and stopped half way through. He looked up and asked, "Why did the resume start off printed, then ended in pencil?" I replied, "I used all of my resources."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p5wmt/resume/
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Just Fred

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It"s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
"Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
"Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p5wf6/just_fred/
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A car with three physicists is pulled over by a cop.

Inside are Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 110 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and says, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the three men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat", Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
The cop proceeds to arrest the three.
Ohm resists and gets tased.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p5pyd/a_car_with_three_physicists_is_pulled_over_by_a/
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Ramadan

Putting the slim in Muslim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p5p6c/ramadan/
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Now that I'm almost 30, there is nothing more sexy to me, than a girl who is fully covered...

...By her health insurance provider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p5oc2/now_that_im_almost_30_there_is_nothing_more_sexy/
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A narcissist walks into a bar...

A narcissist walks into a bar and orders a drink for the handsome gent winking at him from the opposite side of the room.
The bartender looks around.
"Sir, that's a mirror."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p5jmf/a_narcissist_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did the cows return to the marijuana farm?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p5jm1/why_did_the_cows_return_to_the_marijuana_farm/
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A man walks into a bar ...

And proceeds to order a beer. The bartender says, "Sure, that'll be 25 cents please". The man almost spits out his beer in shock.
"Wow, 25 cents! I'll get some chicken wings too!"
The bartender replies, "That'll be 30 cents!"
"Where is the owner", asks the man, "I want to shake his hand!"
"Upstairs with my sister", replies the barkeep.
"Huh, why?", asks the confused costumer.
"He's doing to her, what I'm doing to his bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p5iel/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!!

WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!?
LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT ‘EM?!?!?
*NEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p5en9/what_do_we_want/
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If a tree falls in the woods..

..and nobody is around to hear it, then I've found the perfect place for Justin Beiber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p56pg/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_woods/
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Count Dracula walks into a bar...

and asks the bar man for a cup of boiling water. The bar man quickly returns with the water as requested, and puts it on the bar in front of Dracula. Curious, the bar man says to Dracula "Forgive me, but I thought you vampires only drank blood, what do you want the hot water for?" Dracula takes a used tampon from his cloak pocket. "For making tea, of course" replies Dracula.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p55dg/count_dracula_walks_into_a_bar/
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Banking

A Chinese laundryman living in San Francisco opens a savings account at the bank and goes regularly to deposit his profits.
After several months he has saved up a considerable sum. One day, he comes into the bank and says that he wants to withdraw all his money. The clerk is surprised, so the Chinaman explains that he is about to get married and go on his honeymoon.
The manager is called and tries to persuade the man to just withdraw enough for his immediate requirements. He also explains that if he takes out all his money, he will lose
the interest.
But the Chinaman will not be persuaded and so eventually he walks out with all his money.
A few weeks later, the bank manager meets the Chinaman on the street and asks him about his honeymoon and married life.
The Chinaman has only this to say: "No good. Honeymoon and married life are just like banking -- put in, take out, lose
interest."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p5327/banking/
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What pets think about their owners?

A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God.
A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter...  I am God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p51ro/what_pets_think_about_their_owners/
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Crazy Koala

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,'Hey you!'. So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Faaaaaaaak dude....How much water did you drink??!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p51dj/crazy_koala/
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Two over achievers walk into a bar..

Clearly it wasn't set high enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p4zrf/two_over_achievers_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a gamer girl on her period?

Red ring of death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p4xbn/what_do_you_call_a_gamer_girl_on_her_period/
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Being late to come home after work yet again husband calls his wife.

He says to her:  Listen I am really sorry, I know I'm already late to come home.  Do you remember that jewelry store we went to the other day?
The wife says: Yes!!
Husband:  Well, I'm at the bar right across from it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p4vn3/being_late_to_come_home_after_work_yet_again/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and says, "Quick, give me a beer and a shot of whiskey before it starts."
The bartender obliges, the man drinks them down and repeats, "Quick, give me another beer and a shot of whiskey before it starts."
The bartender obliges and the man repeats the phrase, "Hurry, one more round before it starts."
The bartender says, "Hold on there buddy, how are you gonna pay for all these drinks?"
The man says, "Shit, it just started."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p4u3j/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My grief counselor died last week.

Luckily, he was so good I didn't give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p4moj/my_grief_counselor_died_last_week/
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What is the difference between an amateur archer and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit...
The other hoots but can't shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p4lxm/what_is_the_difference_between_an_amateur_archer/
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because they weren't born yesterday...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p4lsl/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_baby/
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Day off

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p4ijl/day_off/
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I like my racist jokes like I like black people!

I don't like black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p4c2h/i_like_my_racist_jokes_like_i_like_black_people/
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A teacher and a student.

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p49le/a_teacher_and_a_student/
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Where do cows go on Saturday nights?

The slaughter house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p47gi/where_do_cows_go_on_saturday_nights/
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What did the mama bullet say to the papa bullet?

We're going to have a BB!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p46dz/what_did_the_mama_bullet_say_to_the_papa_bullet/
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A father decided that it's time to teach his daughters some sex education.

A father has decided that his three daughters were now old enough to understand the more serious things in life, so he called them one by one to his room.
When the first one came in, he took down his pants and asked if his daughter knew what it was. His daughter replied, "Yes daddy, that's a penis." Shocked that his daughter already knows so much, he grounded his daughter for a week.
He called his second daughter in and also took down his pants. When he asked if she knew what it was, she also replied, "Yes daddy, that's a penis." Needless to say, he also grounded her for one week.
He called his last daughter into the room, took down his pants, and asked if she knew what it was. She replied "No, daddy, what is it?" The father was happy, knowing that his daughter is pure.
"My good daughter, this is a penis." He says, starting his talk, but is is interrupted by his daughter saying,
"You call that a penis?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p418m/a_father_decided_that_its_time_to_teach_his/
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What did San Andreas said to the Earthquake?

This is all your fault!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p3z0f/what_did_san_andreas_said_to_the_earthquake/
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Drunk Guy Goes Home

Guy goes into a bar and proceeds to get extremely drunk.  He gets so drunk that he ends up throwing up, all over his shirt.
He looks at the bartender and says, "Man, my wife is really going to lay into me when I get home.  I'm drunk and I've thrown up all over my shirt.  I'm going to be in big trouble."
The bartender says, "Hey look... here is what you do.  Take a ten dollar bill.  Put it in your shirt pocket.  When she asks you about your shirt, tell her that some OTHER guy at the bar, threw up on you, and then gave you this ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned."
So the guy leaves the bar, goes home, opens the door and his wife starts immediately yelling at him.
"Look at you, your DRUNK!  And you've thrown up all over your shirt!"
"Honey," the guy replies, " I'm fine.  And I didn't throw up all over my shirt.  Some OTHER guy at the bar did.  He apologized and gave me this ten dollar bill to have my shirt cleaned."
"But that's a twenty dollar bill," his wife says.
"I know.  He also shit in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p3wcl/drunk_guy_goes_home/
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[NSFW] Pancake Day Shenanigans

A poor single mother has three children, Pancake Day comes around and she doesn't have the money to put a coin in each of her kids pancakes. She thinks her kids would be excited to find a BB in their pancakes and so grabs a couple from the basement and fries up a couple pancakes. The kids gobble them down, but nothing gets said about the BBs! She shrugs it off and figures they'll just pass them, no harm done.
That night she's awoken by her youngest daughter, "Mommy! Mommy! I went to pee and I peed out a BB!" The mother replies "Don't worry about it honey, just go on back to sleep"
A few hours later her middle daughter wakes her, "Mommy! Mommy! I had to use the washroom and I peed out a BB!" Again the mother tells the child not to worry and sends her back to bed.
Finally after another couple hours her oldest child a boy rushes in and wakes her. Getting a little aggravated at this point she cuts him off, "I know, I know, you peed out a BB, don't worry just got back to sleep." But he replies "No mom, I was jerking off and I shot the cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p3ui5/nsfw_pancake_day_shenanigans/
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Girl wants a barbie.

One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store. The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.
The little girl said, "I want GI Joe and Barbie."
The mother smiled and said, "Darling, you know Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe."
The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, "Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She just FAKES it with Ken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p3txc/girl_wants_a_barbie/
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I used to be addicted to soap....

I'm clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p3mty/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
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A man walks into a bar.......

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p3le8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Your Momma is so classless...

She could be a Marxist utopia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p3eha/your_momma_is_so_classless/
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Two men Camping....

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?" The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, So, I came back to camp." "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?" "Nah," says the second friend eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p3do6/two_men_camping/
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Swing Low Sweet...

Haven't been on here for a bit but haven't seen this one so thought I should post it.. (apologies in advance if you have heard before)
....
A teacher asked her class to write on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children got very excited and started scribbling their answers. One by one the teacher asks each child to stand and describe the job they have written down.
By now all the children where excitedly chatting away, apart from little Timmy. "what's wrong Timmy" asked the teacher.
Timmy slowly rose to his feet and stated "My Dad's a stripper in a gay bar, Sometimes he doesn't come home and my Mum cries herself to sleep".
The class had fallen to a hush as Timmy continued, "Sometimes he sells his body for other men's pleasure".
There are gasps around the classroom and the teacher quickly dismisses the class for an early break time. She walks up to little Timmy and asks, "Is that all true, Timmy?".
"No not at all, Miss. He really plays rugby for England but I was too embarrassed to say"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p3d3m/swing_low_sweet/
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What is the similarity between a cough syrup and an undertaker?

They both take away the coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p3css/what_is_the_similarity_between_a_cough_syrup_and/
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[18+ only PARENTAL ADVISORY :D]A mother had 3 virgin daughters.

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from
Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mum was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long.
King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways." Mum took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad
said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p38kn/18_only_parental_advisory_da_mother_had_3_virgin/
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What do you call 3 mexicans breaking into somewhere?

Trespassers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p36ut/what_do_you_call_3_mexicans_breaking_into/
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A blowjob would make my day.

But anal would make my hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p35kx/a_blowjob_would_make_my_day/
%
Why did the janitor file for a divorce?

He found his wife sweeping with someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p35dk/why_did_the_janitor_file_for_a_divorce/
%
I love u

it's my favourite vowel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p34ag/i_love_u/
%
Teacher - if my cup is half full, what does that mean?

Student - that you need a smaller bra!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p343u/teacher_if_my_cup_is_half_full_what_does_that_mean/
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What do computer hackers and gay porn stars have in common?

They both come in backdoors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p33lr/what_do_computer_hackers_and_gay_porn_stars_have/
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I started dating an astronaut. It happened out of nowhere.

I did not planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p33le/i_started_dating_an_astronaut_it_happened_out_of/
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A blonde, a brunette, and a red head just robbed a bank.

They run into a barn to hide from the cops chasing them. Each of them jumps into an empty burlap sack when the cops come in.
The cops see the bags so they inspect them. The cops shakes the red head's bag. "Woof woof !" Says the red head. So the cops move on, thinking that it's just the farmer's dog.
The cops shake the brunette's bag. "Meow!" Says the brunette. So the cops move on.
The cops approach the third sack and shake the bag. The blonde yells "potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p32fd/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_red_head_just_robbed_a/
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Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because nobody would drink it if it was called nut juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p31jd/why_is_almond_milk_called_almond_milk/
%
Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn't want to be spotted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p2sys/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
Why was the computer stressed out when it got home from work?

'Cause it had a hard drive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p2qlg/why_was_the_computer_stressed_out_when_it_got/
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A man is on vacation and gets a call that his mother-in-law has died.

They ask him if he wants to cremate or bury her. He responds, "shit You better not take any chances do both."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p2qaj/a_man_is_on_vacation_and_gets_a_call_that_his/
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A toothless termite walks into a bar...

He asked "is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p2kyh/a_toothless_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why don't cows smoke weed?

The steaks would just be too high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p2ij5/why_dont_cows_smoke_weed/
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Einstein's chauffeur.

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.
“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”
Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p2gjj/einsteins_chauffeur/
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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work...

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p2f37/a_woman_takes_a_lover_during_the_day_while_her/
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If the women with big boobs work at hooters... where do the women with only one leg work?

Ihop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p2a2f/if_the_women_with_big_boobs_work_at_hooters_where/
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3 men are lined up for the firing squad...

...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, **"Fire!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p29wv/3_men_are_lined_up_for_the_firing_squad/
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About to start a new job as a pizza delivery driver,

any tips?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p282k/about_to_start_a_new_job_as_a_pizza_delivery/
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Your brain has two sides: left and right.

Your left brain has nothing right.
Your right brain has nothing left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p2352/your_brain_has_two_sides_left_and_right/
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My buddy asked me what self explanatory meant...

I didn't know what to say.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p2201/my_buddy_asked_me_what_self_explanatory_meant/
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I got a new thesaurus. It's terrible.

On top of that, it's also terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p213m/i_got_a_new_thesaurus_its_terrible/
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What do you call a white European with a big dick?

Hungaryan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p20e6/what_do_you_call_a_white_european_with_a_big_dick/
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Deep in Siberia, three prisoners huddle around a small fire and discuss their sentences.

"Every day, I arrived five minutes late to work," says the first. "Because I was careless, I was arrested for sabotage."
"Do not fool yourself," says the second. "Every day, I arrived five minutes early to work. I was arrested for spying."
The third stares quietly at the fire, rocking his head back and forth. "Every day I arrived precisely on time," he says. "My record was perfect. It was in this way I was discovered to own a Swiss watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p1zx2/deep_in_siberia_three_prisoners_huddle_around_a/
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How do you get the water in a watermelon?

Plant it in the spring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p1xxi/how_do_you_get_the_water_in_a_watermelon/
%
I went to meet my fiancé's family...

I had just become engaged to a wonderful young woman, and to mark the occasion, she wanted me to meet her entire family all at once. Now, I had spent time around her parents once or twice before, but this would be the first time that I'd ever encountered any of her siblings, and this was apparently a big deal in her family.
It was mid-afternoon when I pulled up to the house, and I spotted my fiancé coming out the front door.
"Oh, I'm so glad you're here!" she told me. "I need to run to the store for some dinner supplies, though. Go make yourself comfortable, and I'll be back in about an hour."
Well, I went inside and walked to the living room... and there, sitting on the couch, was my fiancé's absolutely gorgeous eighteen-year-old sister. Her pert, youthful breasts were clearly visible through the material of her tank top... and below the waist, she was wearing nothing but a pair of pink panties.
"I knew you'd be coming," she said, "and I know this is probably a bad idea... but I've heard so much about you from my sister, including how amazing you are in bed. I've been saving my virginity for the right man, and since you're not married yet, I want it to be you. I'll be upstairs in my bedroom, completely naked. It's the first door on the left."
With that, she stood up and slowly walked away. I watched the way that her hips swayed, the subtle bounce of each buttock as she moved... and I confess, I stood there thinking for a brief moment. Then, after taking a deep breath, I quickly left the house.
As soon as I walked outside, I was greeted by a huge explosion of applause. Dozens of men and women were surrounding the door, each of them with smiles on their faces. My fiancé came rushing up to me from within the crowd and threw her arms around me.
"I knew you'd be loyal!" she laughed. "I'm sorry to put you through that, but I knew you'd stay true to me... and now my entire family knows, too!"
Aunts, uncles, cousins, and other relatives all came up to me, offering their congratulations and welcoming me to the family. If I'm honest, I felt a little bit hurt by the whole affair, and thoroughly out of my element. Still, I learned something that day, too, and it's a moral that I've carried with me ever since:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p1ut0/i_went_to_meet_my_fiancés_family/
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What did baby corn say to mommy corn?

Where's popcorn?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p1t4r/what_did_baby_corn_say_to_mommy_corn/
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A wish for a larger phallus

A man walks into a public bathroom and approaches one of the urinals. As he's unzipping a dwarf walks up to the adjacent urinal and does the same. The man hears a mighty stream coming from the dwarf and slyly takes a peak to see what the little man is packing.
To his surprise the dwarf's penis was gigantic, at least 12" long with a substantial girth. The man is flabbergasted, but he finishes his pee in silence, zips up, and goes to wash his hands. The dwarf finishes around the same time and goes to wash his hands as well.
After a few seconds the man can't stop himself and breaks the silence.
"Sir, I'm sorry, but I couldn't help noticing you've got such a large penis. How could a man with your small stature have such a big dick!?"
The dwarf smiles, "You noticed that, eh? Well it's simple lad, I'm a leprechaun, I just wished it upon myself. I could do the same for you, if you'd like, but it'll cost you."
The man thinks shortly about how much his life could change if he had a bigger penis, and liking the image he painted in his head he asks "well how much?"
"Oh, I don't want money. If you want a dick like this you'll have to get on all fours and let me have my way with you."
The man is taken aback, but he starts to weigh the options in his head. 'I really don't want to get violated by a leprechaun, but I DO want a bigger dick...' He agrees to the terms and assumes the position.
The leprechaun mounts him from behind and starts pumping steadily. "By the way lad, how old are ya?"
"32, why?"
"32 years old and you still believe in leprechauns!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p1rka/a_wish_for_a_larger_phallus/
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A Rabbi and a Priest are walking along the road....

....and they see a boy approach. The priest nudges the rabbi and says, "Hey lets screw this kid." The rabbi scratches his beard and replies "out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p1qdo/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_are_walking_along_the_road/
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What's the difference between a Mexican and a notebook?

A notebook has papers.
-I'll see myself out now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p1i0s/whats_the_difference_between_a_mexican_and_a/
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Notes from the Chicago welfare office....

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
'WOW." the social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours?"
"Yep, they is all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well."' says the social worker, "Then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"Well, to keep it simple, the boys is all named Leroy and the girls is all named Leighroy."
In disbelief, the case worker says, "Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?"
Their momma replies, "Well yes, it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yells, 'Leroy!'  An' when it's time for dinner, I jist yells 'Leroy!'  An they all comes a runnin'.  An' if I needs to stop the kid who's playin' in the street, I just yells Leroy' and all of dem stops. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' dem all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Then I calls them by they last names."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p1ha5/notes_from_the_chicago_welfare_office/
%
A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”'...

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”'
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p1fi9/a_computer_science_student_is_studying_under_a/
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I lost my job at the calendar factory.

My boss said it was unacceptable that I'd taken a few days off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p1c22/i_lost_my_job_at_the_calendar_factory/
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I can eat a rope and have it come out tied at the other end. . .

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p1bv0/i_can_eat_a_rope_and_have_it_come_out_tied_at_the/
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Jesus might be a telemarketer.

The other day I got a phone call from a telemarketer. The guy was trying to sell me frankincense. I really didn't want it though, so I told him I didn't want to buy any. He probably suspected I was going to hang up, so he quickly said, "But wait, there's myrrh!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p11jm/jesus_might_be_a_telemarketer/
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Why is Ahmed Mohammed not allowed on Reddit?

His inbox would probably blow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p0x6z/why_is_ahmed_mohammed_not_allowed_on_reddit/
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Two guys in the wood...

Two guys went camping in the wood.
As they started getting deeper in the woods they encountered a tribe folk with a sharp knife.
''Stop right there!'' he said.
They both stopped moving, they were scared as hell.
''I will kill you both, take your skin off and make a boat out of it but first you will each be granted one wish.''
The first man wished for a chance to see his family and his wish was granted. He was then killed.
The second man wished for a fork. A fork appeared in his hands.
''Why did you wish for a fork?'' said the tribe folk.
The man then repeatedly stabbed himself with the fork screaming ''TRY MAKING A BOAT OUT OF ME NOW BITCH!''.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p0wx3/two_guys_in_the_wood/
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An Englishman walks into a bar...

There's usually a Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman too, but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p0rqr/an_englishman_walks_into_a_bar/
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Hispanic Joke

Three kids are in school...
A white, a black, and a hispanic kid. The teacher tells them to make a sentence with the words liver and cheese.
White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good."
Black kid says: "Pops told mom to go get the Government cheese And she didn't, so pops punched her in the liver."
Hispanic kid says: "Some kid was trying to look under my sister's dress and I told the cabron, "Hey!!! Liver alone, cheese my sister!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p0nen/hispanic_joke/
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Honey, what is the name of that German that hides things around the house?

Alzheimer grandma, Alzheimer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p0lq9/honey_what_is_the_name_of_that_german_that_hides/
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket

where she selected a quart of 2%milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice,a head of romaine lettuce, a two pound can of coffee, and a one pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor  belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt.  Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.  But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied,  " Cause you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p0jlk/a_woman_was_shopping_at_her_local_supermarket/
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What is the most tried and true method to getting a small fortune?

Start out with a large fortune.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p0io3/what_is_the_most_tried_and_true_method_to_getting/
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So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"
(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p0hpk/so_my_irish_friend_decided_to_tell_his_community/
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Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist?

He got off on a technicality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p0h19/did_you_hear_about_the_jurisprudence_fetishist/
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How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p0gz1/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Have you heard the Eric Garner joke?

It's so funny I can't breathe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p042s/have_you_heard_the_eric_garner_joke/
%
What did the elephant say to the naked man?...

How do you eat with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p022p/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_man/
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The Drunk Ventriloquist

A Ventriloquist had given up on life and become a drunk vagabond, hopping trains and moving from town to town.  One day he got off in a small town and on his way to the nearest bar he spotted a small dog in an alleyway.  He thought, "Ah, perfect!", scooped the dog up and proceeded to the bar.  Once inside he sat on a stool and put the dog down on the stool next to him.  When the bartender turned to him the drunk ordered a beer and before the bartender could protest the presence of the dog he threw his voice and made the dog say, "I'll have one too!"  Perplexed, the bartender poured two beers and set them in front of the drunk and the dog.  The drunk drank his beer and when the bartender turned away, he quickly downed the dog's beer too.  When the bartender came back to them the drunk ordered another beer and threw his voice again, so the dog ordered one as well.  This time, the bartender unable to contain his curiosity and bewilderment, rubbed his head and asked, "Am I out of it, or is that dog talking?"  The drunk ventriloquist smiled and said, "Yeah, he's been talkin' ever since he was a pup!"  The bartender's eyes widened and he calmly asked the drunk, "Would you ever consider selling that dog?"  The drunk frowned and looked at the dog.  After a couple of seconds he replied, "Well, he means a lot to me and normally I would never consider it, but as you can see, I'm down on my luck and it may be the best for the dog, but I have to say that I couldn't take less than a thousand dollars."  The bartender looked in the register and answered, "All I have is $500 now, could I owe you the rest?"  The drunk frowned again, but replied, "I guess I don't have much of a choice.  Ok, it's a deal!"  The drunk finished his beer and left the bar $500 richer.
A month or so later, the drunk happens upon the same town and wanders into the same bar in a drunken stupor.  He had forgotten all about the previous encounter, but the same bartender was there and recognized him instantly!  The bartender walked swiftly over to the drunk and in an angry voice said, "You son of a bitch!  You sold me that dog and he hasn't said a word since!!"  The drunk ventriloquist all of the sudden remembered the situation and was quick to reply, "Really?!  That's strange.  Where is he?  Do you still have him?"  The bartender sighed deeply and said, "Yeah, I've got him tied up out back..."  The drunk insisted on seeing the dog.  Once out back, the drunk leaned down and rubbed the dog on the head and scratched behind his ears and said, "Hey!  I told you that you had to talk for this guy just like you talked for me.  What's wrong?!?"  He threw his voice again and the dog replied, "I ain't sayin' nothin' till he gives you that other $500!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p008v/the_drunk_ventriloquist/
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You looked a lot like my wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ozsvr/you_looked_a_lot_like_my_wife/
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What's the difference between ten black dicks and a black joke? (offensive)

A black woman can't take a black joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ozqux/whats_the_difference_between_ten_black_dicks_and/
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Can a woman make you a millionaire?

Yes, but only if you're a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ozk9z/can_a_woman_make_you_a_millionaire/
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I heard a great joke in the elevator today

It was funny on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ozj6s/i_heard_a_great_joke_in_the_elevator_today/
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What do you call people who immigrate to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ozehm/what_do_you_call_people_who_immigrate_to_sweden/
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DENTIST

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ozcwt/dentist/
%
I saw a homeless man sleeping and I thought to myself, "What if you get mugged?"

So just to be safe, I took his guitar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ozcro/i_saw_a_homeless_man_sleeping_and_i_thought_to/
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What's the name of a musical collaboration between Shia LaBeouf and a Judge?

A just duet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ozcfu/whats_the_name_of_a_musical_collaboration_between/
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A radio show holds a competition...

Radio Host: Good morning listeners. It's that time of the day again for our competition. As a reminder of the rules we're gonna call a person and ask them a 3 personal questions. We're then gonna call their partner/spouse and ask them the same 3 questions. If their answers match they will win today's prize.
* ring... ring *
Callee: Hello?  This is John.
Radio Host: Good morning John. This is DJ Chad calling from Radio Wonderful. Are you ready to play with us today and answer our 3 questions?
John: Sure, go ahead.
Radio Host: Right. Question 1. When was the last time you had sex?
John: This morning.
Radio Host: Great. With who?
John: My wife Mary.
Radio Host: Perfect. Last question. Where did you do it?
John: On the kitchen table.
Radio Host: Awesome. Let's go ahead and call Mary.
* ring, ring *...
Mary: Hello? This is Mary.
Radio Host: Good morning Mary. This is DJ Chad calling from Radio Wonderful. We have John with us on the other line. Are you ready to play with us today and answer our 3 questions?
Mary: OMG, sure go ahead.
Radio Host: Right Mary, here goes. When was the last time you had sex?
Mary: OMG, how embarrassing. My mother listens to this show.
John: Go ahead dear, I already told them the answer. Just answer truthfully. I already told them.
Mary: Oh ok then. This morning before work.
Radio Host: Great, first answer is correct. Now for question number 2. Who did you have sex with?
Mary: giggle. Why with John of course.
Radio Host: Perfect! 2 out of 2 correct! Now for the third and final question for a chance to win today's prize. Are you ready?
Mary: I guess so.
Radio Host: Right. For the third and final question today Mary, where did you do it?
Mary: OMG, my mother's gonna hear this.
John: Go ahead honey. Just say it. I already told them.
Mary: OMG. Ok then. In the ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oz7rw/a_radio_show_holds_a_competition/
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a muslim, a jew, a christian and an atheist walk into a coffee shop...

and they talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. thats what happens when you're not an asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oz46v/a_muslim_a_jew_a_christian_and_an_atheist_walk/
%
A man with a long, proud family history of military service....

...returns home after his basic training. His father, a Master Sergeant, who is very keen to maintain the family tradition of excellence asks how he went.
"It was okay Dad, Sir. Hard work, but scary..."
"Scary?! This family has a long tradition of military service, we don't get scared. What was the scariest part son?"
"The skydiving, I got too scared to jump out of the plane."
"What happened."
"The jump master said that if I didn't go out of the plane he'd fuck me in the ass."
"Well, did you jump son?"
"A little bit at first..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oz31j/a_man_with_a_long_proud_family_history_of/
%
Broken puppets for sale.

No strings attached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oyyz4/broken_puppets_for_sale/
%
I used to want to be a banker....

but I lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oyx1u/i_used_to_want_to_be_a_banker/
%
My ex was orphan as a child

I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn't want her, why would I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oyw7h/my_ex_was_orphan_as_a_child/
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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oyuhe/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Two devout Christians are stuck outside their home during a flood...

The water is up to their knees, and the fire brigade in a boat come along, saying
"Come with us, we'll save you!"
The couple say,
"No thank you, God will save us.", and they start praying.
The water is now up to their waist, and the coastguard in a boat come along, saying
"Come with us, we'll save you!"
The couple say,
"No thank you, God will save us.", and they continue praying.
The water is now up to their neck, and they are about to drown, and the a helicopter comes along, with a rescuer saying
"Come with us, we'll save you!"
The couple say,
"No thank you, God will save us.", and they continue praying.
Eventually, they drown, and they go to heaven. In heaven, they meet God, and they ask him,
"Why didn't you save us God?"
God replies,
"What are you talking about? I sent you two boats and a helicopter! It's your own fucking fault you didn't listen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oyszy/two_devout_christians_are_stuck_outside_their/
%
An Englishman walks into a bar

There's usually an Irishman, Scotsman and Welshman too but they're all still at the Rugby World Cup!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oyqet/an_englishman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
RIP boiling water

You shall be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oyolv/rip_boiling_water/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oylh8/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman's voice….

...from the shadow call out, “Twenty bucks?”
The man takes the mystery woman up on the offer. They've been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what's going on.
“Do you mind? I'm making love to my wife,” replies the man.
“Sorry,” says the cop, “I didn't know.”
The man replies, “Neither did I, until you turned on the flashlight.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oyc4d/a_man_is_walking_home_late_at_night_when_he_hears/
%
Why Is there a little angel on top of the Christmas tree?

Many years ago, on Christmas Eve, everything went wrong at the North Pole. Mrs Claus was on the rag, the reindeer had the runs, the elves were on strike and Rudolph hit the bottle pretty hard.
Santa was pretty pissed-off and about to explode when the little angel walked in with a freshly cut spruce tree.
-- where do you want me to put the tree, Santa? the little Angel asked.
Santa exploded: **you know where you can stick that goddamned fucking tree!**
And this is why there is a little angel at the top of the Christmas tree...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oy8iq/why_is_there_a_little_angel_on_top_of_the/
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Did you hear they removed the essay portion from the SAT?

Now it's just called the T

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oy7tf/did_you_hear_they_removed_the_essay_portion_from/
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Young man and the Pharmacy

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oy5rl/young_man_and_the_pharmacy/
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How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oy5qy/how_many_narcissists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like a choir boy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oy2rl/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Did you hear about the birthday party thief?

I've seen some pretty crazy people at parties, but this guy definitely takes the cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oxzdu/did_you_hear_about_the_birthday_party_thief/
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What do you call a French boy wearing Sandals?

Phillipé Phillopé
Friends and I thought of this in French class today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oxy46/what_do_you_call_a_french_boy_wearing_sandals/
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Lost Chapter In Genesis

Adam had been moping around all day in the Garden of Eden and God finally said, "Adam, what's up with all this moping?"
Adam told God that he was lonely. God said He could fix that, no problem.
In short order he could make a partner for Adam, and she would be called a "woman."
God told Adam that the woman would collect his food, cook it for him, and care for all his needs and wants. She would also agree with all his decisions and not question his authority as head of the family.
God also said that she would bear his offspring and and not bother him in the middle of the night if the kids woke up and started crying.
She would never nag him and would admit when she was wrong. She would also freely give him love and passion whenever he needed it.
Adam said, "Wow, that's a great partner! What is this woman-person going to cost me?"
And God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought for a minute, then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oxxul/lost_chapter_in_genesis/
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As a guitarist, I sometimes get asked to play for people.

Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man at 11am.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery on the far outskirts of town..
As I was not familiar with the remote areas, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently left and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do. I felt terrible having missed this poor man's service. So I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together. It was somber, and yet, we were together as one.
When I finished, I packed up my guitar and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
“I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I was still lost…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oxuvl/as_a_guitarist_i_sometimes_get_asked_to_play_for/
%
Where do they make contentment?

At the satis-factory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oxsz9/where_do_they_make_contentment/
%
My halloween costume this year is a period...

I'll show up late and scare the shit out of everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oxrbo/my_halloween_costume_this_year_is_a_period/
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The year is 2031 and DNA editing has been perfected

A leading genetic scientist in China named Cathy Wong has always been infatuated with the physical appearance of western races and has been working tirelessly to unlock the deepest secrets of not just the body, but the mind as well... and with that knowledge, she could finally be Caucasian. Cathy believes that with her vast knowledge of human cloning and gene manipulation she can not only create an exact duplicate of herself, but one that appears to be American instead of Chinese. She devises a theory that will allow her to transfer her conscience to her designer clone, and although untested and very dangerous, she would rather die than live on wondering if she could truly attain bliss. Her plan ends catastrophically. She and her clone die moments after beginning her experiment. The moral of the story….. Two Wongs can’t make a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oxqan/the_year_is_2031_and_dna_editing_has_been/
%
What do get when a ghost picks his nose?

Boooooogers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oxo09/what_do_get_when_a_ghost_picks_his_nose/
%
What does the Fox say?

not the news

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oxl9a/what_does_the_fox_say/
%
A man walks into a bar.......

The man goes to the bar, and takes a seat on a stool. He proceeds to ask the bartender for two shots of his special whiskey. Upon receiving the whiskey, he turns to the side, and tells the man sitting there," This is magic whiskey. If I drink it, I will not die." So the man gives his fellow bar member a shot of whiskey, drinks his own, and walks out to the street. He jumps in front of a speeding car, and comes out unscathed. The other bar member, amazed, drinks his shot of whiskey, and jumps in front of another speeding car, and is run over and killed. The first man walks back into the bar, and orders another drink. As the bartender was giving the drink, he shakes his head and says," That's not funny, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oxfmg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the American spend an entire winter in a Russian hotel?

They say he was snowed in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oxc6o/why_did_the_american_spend_an_entire_winter_in_a/
%
As a guitarist, I sometimes get asked to play for people.

Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man at 11am.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery on the far outskirts of town..
As I was not familiar with the remote areas, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently left and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do. I felt terrible having missed this poor man's service. So I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together. It was somber, and yet, we were together as one.
When I finished, I packed up my guitar and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
“I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I was still lost…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oxc63/as_a_guitarist_i_sometimes_get_asked_to_play_for/
%
Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's very time-consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ox9dv/have_you_ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
%
An old man walks into a jewelry store...

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
"By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know", said the old man..."But let me tell you about my weekend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ox3q3/an_old_man_walks_into_a_jewelry_store/
%
How did the Latino girl get pregnant

Her teacher told her to do an essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3owzll/how_did_the_latino_girl_get_pregnant/
%
THERE IS A VIRUS GOING AROUND REDDIT W THE LINK "CO-EDS.AVI" THAT MAKES YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS

I DIDNT CLICK ON IT BC I DONT WATCH PORN BUT BE ON THE LOOK OUT..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3owv5w/there_is_a_virus_going_around_reddit_w_the_link/
%
What do you call a slutty UPS driver?

A mail escort

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3owths/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_ups_driver/
%
Why do rabbits love beer?

Because it's made of hops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3owmyp/why_do_rabbits_love_beer/
%
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3owmih/why_doesnt_santa_claus_have_any_children/
%
Sorry, tuba players...

A father decides to put his son in a music class.  The teacher assigns him the tuba and the dad goes home, leaving his kid there.
When the child comes home, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
The child said "I learned how to play the C Note!"
The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
The child said "I learned how to play the G Note!"
The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
"I joined the orchestra!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3owgwu/sorry_tuba_players/
%
I think Jesus is black

Because he is our father and hasn't come back yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ow8nu/i_think_jesus_is_black/
%
We can't have sex. .

This guy went to a bar...long story short, he met
this broad and they went back to his place.
Before they got undressed to do the horizontal
mambo, he said, "Listen, I'm sorry but I don't
think we should have sex right away". "Why's
that?" she said.
"Well you see, I'm hung like a baby, and I
wouldn't want you to laugh and decide you didn't
want to have sex with me. Why don't we get to
know each other first, and then when we feel
we're ready, we'll do it."
So the girl agreed, but only because he was a
good-looking dude and pretty nice.
Several dates later, they make it back to his
place again, and after some conversation, they
decide it's time. She undresses and slides into
bed. He undresses, pulls out his dick, and slams
it onto the bed with a thunderous noise.
She stares at his gigantic dick, in complete
shock and awe.
"B-b-but I thought you said you were hung like a
baby?"
"I am," he replied. "8 lbs, 14 and 1/2 inches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ow5vn/we_cant_have_sex/
%
Why can't cows do ballet?

Because they lactose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ow06f/why_cant_cows_do_ballet/
%
I was given a book, "How to play the didgeridoo."

All the pages are empty besides one that says, "Far away from me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ovzgu/i_was_given_a_book_how_to_play_the_didgeridoo/
%
A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England

He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ovxc6/a_saudi_arabian_prince_is_going_to_college_in/
%
What do you call a hookers fart?

A prosti-toot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ovx60/what_do_you_call_a_hookers_fart/
%
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day...

He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ovv0w/a_drunk_that_smelled_like_a_brewery_got_on_a_bus/
%
What did the roach say after a series of disappointing hotel stays?

This is my last resort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ovrdo/what_did_the_roach_say_after_a_series_of/
%
There's a lot to be said for having a long term girlfriend

And it's all said by her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ovnn4/theres_a_lot_to_be_said_for_having_a_long_term/
%
A midget on the bus.

So I'm riding on the bus and this midget comes on and sits beside me.
After a couple of stops, the driver slams on the brakes and the midget slides off the seat, so I grab him by the arm and sit him down again.
Next stop, the same thing happens so again I grab him by the arm and sit him down.
By the fifth stop, the same thing happens and I'm irrirated so I grab him and say: "Hold on tight you dumb midget or you gonna keep sliding off the seat".
He turns around and says to me: "My stop was 5 stops ago, I've been trying to get off the bus you sunabitch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ovhjc/a_midget_on_the_bus/
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The World's Best Ethnic Joke.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, am Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Columbian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portugese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyztani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukranian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, and a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," said the maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ovgu5/the_worlds_best_ethnic_joke/
%
I have the Quran on CD...

People sure are getting upset when I said I burned it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ovdjm/i_have_the_quran_on_cd/
%
This new iPhone isn't anything new

To me it's not really a huge 6S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ovbx1/this_new_iphone_isnt_anything_new/
%
Why did Muhammad hire Moses to help with his start-up?

He wanted to double his prophets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ov8p4/why_did_muhammad_hire_moses_to_help_with_his/
%
A man and his wife are in an art museum and come across....

A portrait of a beautiful woman covered only in leaves. Wife goes to move on to the next exhibit and husband is still there staring at the portrait she asks what are you waiting for?
Husband says... Fall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ov5jn/a_man_and_his_wife_are_in_an_art_museum_and_come/
%
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ov5ej/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_with_the_lapd/
%
What Starts with F and ends with K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ov4z1/what_starts_with_f_and_ends_with_k/
%
90s kids won't get this . .

Social Security benefits. .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ov3oz/90s_kids_wont_get_this/
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How is 2+2=5 like your left foot?

It's not right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ov2sg/how_is_225_like_your_left_foot/
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A man who had just died is delivered to a local mortuary....

and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ov2jd/a_man_who_had_just_died_is_delivered_to_a_local/
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REQUEST: Racist "White" jokes, please.

I know DOZENS of Racist Jokes. But only a couple (not very good) Racist White Jokes.
For example:
Did you hear about the 2 house fire in Mexico?
Thousands died.
Why do Mexican's drive low-riders?
So they can pick strawberries from their car.
A man walks into a Bar with a Parrot on his shoulder.
The Bartender says: "Wow, that's awesome! Where can I get one?"
The Parrot Replies: "Africa! There's millions of them!"
Seriously though: I love Black People.
I think everyone should own one.
How do Asians name their children?
They throw their pots and pans in their air and record the sounds:
Ping Bang Pow.
How do you blindfold an Asian?
With dental floss.
The only "White Joke" I know is:
White people are born purple.
Then turn pink.
When they're mad, they're red.
When they're sick they're green.
When they're scared they're yellow.
When they're cold they're blue.
And have the nerve to call everyone else colored.
So: Does anyone have any "White Jokes" for me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ov0pq/request_racist_white_jokes_please/
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Great, so a week ago my doctor gave me a letter, which confirmed that I have dyslexia...

and now I've received one that says I have tiny tits.
Oh no wait, tinnitus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ouz2y/great_so_a_week_ago_my_doctor_gave_me_a_letter/
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A radio show is hosting a game where listeners call in with a new word.

Radio Host: Hey all you listeners out there, time for another round of "New Word". As a reminder of the rules, you have to give me a word that does not exist in the dictionary and you have to say a phrase that uses that word.
Caller: Hello?...
Radio Host: Hello caller, you are live on Radio Fantastic. May we have your word please?
Caller: Gaan.
Radio Host: Can you spell that for us?
Caller: That's G...A...A...N.
Radio Host: That's great caller. Just a minute while I search the dictionary.
** Few seconds later **
Radio Host: Well, I can't find it. Now, can you use it in a phrase?
Caller: Gaan fuck yourself! ... Ha Ha Haa ... *click*
Radio Host: I'm sorry listeners. This is a family show and some people just have no respect for that.
* takes other calls *
... after a few minutes ...
Radio Host: Hello caller, can we have your word please?
Caller: Zmee
Radio Host: and can you spell that please?
Caller: Z...M...E...E
Radio Host: Let me just flip through my dictionary right here...
Radio Host: Right, so far so good. Can you use it in a sentence?
Caller: Zmee again. Gaan fuck yourself!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ouz0p/a_radio_show_is_hosting_a_game_where_listeners/
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How many babies does it take to open a door?

It depends on how hard you can throw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ouvs9/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_open_a_door/
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Difference b/w secretary & private secretary

Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private secretary?
Ans:
Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
&
Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3outki/difference_bw_secretary_private_secretary/
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My wife just put lipstick on. She only does this on special occasions...you know what's next fellas.....

We're going to church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oussw/my_wife_just_put_lipstick_on_she_only_does_this/
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What type of shoes do pedophiles wear?

White vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ouqcz/what_type_of_shoes_do_pedophiles_wear/
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Little Johnny

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…
Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”
“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”
“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”
“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oupsk/little_johnny/
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Me and a buddy went to an amputee party

It was crawling with pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oul75/me_and_a_buddy_went_to_an_amputee_party/
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What do biographers and serial killers have in common?

Multiple life sentences.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oucnv/what_do_biographers_and_serial_killers_have_in/
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Two men were lost in a desert...

Dehydrated and dying, the men see a mirage of hundreds and hundreds of tents up ahead. As they get closer, they realize it's not a mirage, but a huge market.
The men stagger into the marketplace, begging everyone around for water, but the first few tents sell only jelly.
Moving on into the market, the men beg and plead for water but the next tents only sell cake.
As the men move forward they're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of tents selling icecream only, with no water in sight.
The men finally exit the cluster of tents still dehydrated, and dying.
The first man turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or was that really odd?"
The other man replies, "Yeah. It WAS a trifle bazaar..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ou9k4/two_men_were_lost_in_a_desert/
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What runs, but never sprints?

Inherited obesity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ou8e1/what_runs_but_never_sprints/
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What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne doesn’t come on a boys face until he’s 13.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ou852/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies,  "I know, but tell me anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ou7nr/a_young_artist_exhibits_his_work_for_the_first/
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A man goes to the pharmacy...

...and asks: 'Can I have some viagra?'
The pharmacist asks: 'Do you have a prescription?'
'No,' says the man, 'but I do have a picture of my girlfriend.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ou7jp/a_man_goes_to_the_pharmacy/
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How many coins I have in my pocket?

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ou7hw/how_many_coins_i_have_in_my_pocket/
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Never put 'is' after an "I"

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ou5my/never_put_is_after_an_i/
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Another "Iron Man" Joke

Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ou3h4/another_iron_man_joke/
%
I know a great US Postal Service Joke...

...but you'll never get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ou3gs/i_know_a_great_us_postal_service_joke/
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What do 9/11 and an old cow have in common?

They've both been milked for 14 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ou20c/what_do_911_and_an_old_cow_have_in_common/
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Three men stop for lunch

on a construction site while working on the 10th floor.
The first one, Chang from China says "I am so bored with what I have been having for lunch. If I have noodles again for lunch, I am going to jump off the building" And he opens his lunch to find noodles, and promptly jumps off the from the 10th floor to his death.
Mario from Italy says "I agree - I am so sick of pasta for lunch, if I find my lunch is pasta I will jump off the building and kill myself" He opens his lunch bag to find pasta and promptly stands up and jumps off the same as Chang to his death.
Paddy the Irishman says "I agree with my friends, if I have potatoes in my lunch I will jump too" Opening his bag he finds potatoes and jumps from the 10th floor, same as his two colleagues.
There was a combined funeral for Chang, Mario and Paddy, and their grieving widows get talking
"Oh if I had known Chang was tired of noodles I would have packed a different lunch! if only he had told me" Chang's widow remarked
"Yes if Mario had only said that he wanted something different I would have not given him pasta all the time!" stated Mario's wife
"I don't get it - Paddy packed his own fookin lunch...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ou081/three_men_stop_for_lunch/
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Why does Santa have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3otwer/why_does_santa_have_such_a_big_sack/
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Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'.

Then I considered 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3otvrw/today_i_was_thinking_about_the_expression_revenge/
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know...

...walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him:
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3otk5p/mahatma_gandhi_as_you_know/
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Cat Heaven

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3otic4/cat_heaven/
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A young cowboy walks into a bar...

As his eyes adjust to the light, he sees an old cowboy across the room slouched over, staring into a bowl of chili. He walks up and says, "Well if you're not going to eat it, mind if I do?" So the old cowboy slides it across the table and, hungry from a long day on horseback, the young cowboy starts wolfing it down. Near the end of the bowl, he see's a dead mouse lying there on the bottom and absolutely pukes his guts out right back into the bowl. The old cowboy finally lifts his head with a grin and says, "That's about as far as I made it too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3othan/a_young_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
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My husband doesn't like my new job as a librarian in the prison.

He says it has more cons than prose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ote7x/my_husband_doesnt_like_my_new_job_as_a_librarian/
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Why was the little strawberry sad?

Her mommy was in a jam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ote0f/why_was_the_little_strawberry_sad/
%
How does a queen get around her kingdom?

She gets throne.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3otdpr/how_does_a_queen_get_around_her_kingdom/
%
What's the difference between Americans and ice cream?

Ice cream fits in a tub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ota21/whats_the_difference_between_americans_and_ice/
%
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ot95c/knowledge_is_knowing_a_tomato_is_a_fruit/
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If you had a donkey and it bit off my rooster's legs, what do you have?

Two feet of my cock in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ot83l/if_you_had_a_donkey_and_it_bit_off_my_roosters/
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A Scotsman enters a toasting competition...

After waiting his turn he holds up his glass and says "Here's to spending the rest of me life in between the legs of me wife!" The crowd roars with drunken laughter and he ultimately wins the competition.
Upon arriving home to his wife drunk, he proudly proclaims his victory only to be asked what his winning toast was. Drunk and caught slightly off guard he says to his wife "Well dear, it was a toast to you. I said 'Here's to spending the rest of me life at church with me beautiful wife.'" His wife is amused and ushers him to bed.
The following morning the wife goes into town to buy groceries. She happens upon a friend of her husbands who was at the toasting competition. He approaches her with a grin and says with a snicker "Did ya hear that yer husband had the best toast last night?"  Without skipping a beat she replies "Yea, well he sure fooled the lot of ya. He hasn't been there but twice this year. The first time he fell asleep and the second I had to pull him by his ear to make him come!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ot7mn/a_scotsman_enters_a_toasting_competition/
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I told my doctor I was having issues during sex. He said Cialis.

Could someone tell me where I find Alice?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3osvj1/i_told_my_doctor_i_was_having_issues_during_sex/
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How many porn stars does it take to turn change a fuse?

It's too hard to tell. They keep blowing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3osq3n/how_many_porn_stars_does_it_take_to_turn_change_a/
%
Why do Feminists Like Iron Man?

Because he is FeMale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ospne/why_do_feminists_like_iron_man/
%
Doctor: You appear to have potassium poisoning.

Mario: But I've avoided bananas my whole life!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ospbl/doctor_you_appear_to_have_potassium_poisoning/
%
A fish swims into a wall.......

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ospbc/a_fish_swims_into_a_wall/
%
What do rodents do after dinner?

Gopher a walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3osnkp/what_do_rodents_do_after_dinner/
%
ravishing young girl

In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I’ll show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. Then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. She then says, "If each of you will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs." They all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her underwear. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." Naturally, all three fork over the money. The girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3osm5j/ravishing_young_girl/
%
What do you call a below average sized dog?

A sub woofer
Yeah, I know I'm barking up the wrong sub reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oslca/what_do_you_call_a_below_average_sized_dog/
%
A nurse asks an absent-minded doctor, "Doctor, why are you writing with a thermometer?"

The doctor looks down and says, "God damnit.  Now some asshole has my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oskv2/a_nurse_asks_an_absentminded_doctor_doctor_why/
%
How can you tell which nurse is the head nurse at a hospital?

She's the one with the dirty knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oshu7/how_can_you_tell_which_nurse_is_the_head_nurse_at/
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A Londoner is walking his dog...

...When he passes a policeman. As he walks past, the dog leaps up and bites the copper's hat off, and tears it to pieces.
"Oi!" the policeman says, "You gonna let your dog get away with that?!"
"Ah, he's just a bleedin' dog! Leave it out!" the Londoner replies.
"I don't like your attitude!" the policeman says.
"It wasn't my 'at he chewed, it was YOUR 'at he chewed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oshak/a_londoner_is_walking_his_dog/
%
How did the firefly react when he was stepped on?

He was delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3osgin/how_did_the_firefly_react_when_he_was_stepped_on/
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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident.

He wakes up in the hospital the next day. Upon hearing the news that the organ was unsalvagable the man was devastated.
"Doc, is there nothing you can do?"
The doctor explains that conventional medicine can do nothing for him. However, he adds, there is an experimental treatment. The man quickly assures the doctor that he will try anything. The doctor tells him the operation must coincide with the death of a baby elephant. The doctor explains that the musculature of an infant elephants trunk is very similar to that of a penis and that research shows a transplant may be possible. So the man returns home to await the call that they have a trunk on ice.
Several months pass and the man is miserable. He tells the doctor his confidence is gone, he never goes out, he's missing too much work and drinking too much. The doctor consoles him as best he can until finally the day comes. The man awakes after surgery to see the surgeons smiling face. The operation was a success. After months of difficult physical therapy the man has regained his confidence. To celebrate he asks a woman to accompany him to a fine restaurant. They meet in the bar and all is going well over drinks and small talk. They proceed to their table and the waiter comes to take their order. Before he leaves for the kitchen he places a basket of dinner rolls on the table. Suddenly the man's penis bursts through his zipper, flops onto the table, grabs a dinner roll and disappears back into his trousers. The woman is flabbergasted and says "that was amazing! Can you do it again?
The man replies "probably, but I don't think I can fit another dinner roll up my arse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3osgia/a_man_loses_his_penis_in_an_industrial_accident/
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Yo'mama is so dumb...

She thinks Tupac Shakur is a Jewish holiday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3osfl0/yomama_is_so_dumb/
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My brother wanted me to watch his kid

So I spent HOURS and HOURS childproofing my house.  Wouldn't you know it?  That fucker still got in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3osely/my_brother_wanted_me_to_watch_his_kid/
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Last night I dreamt I was a muffler

I woke up exhausted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3osehr/last_night_i_dreamt_i_was_a_muffler/
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What do you call a sarcastic abyss?

A sar-chasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3osehm/what_do_you_call_a_sarcastic_abyss/
%
How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon?

Intersect it with a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oscri/how_do_you_change_the_number_of_sides_on_a/
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Awesome Comeback

Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?!
Me: it committed suicide, had too many problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oscg8/awesome_comeback/
%
The other day I saw two squirrels making noises at each other as if they were arguing.

You could say they were squarreling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oscce/the_other_day_i_saw_two_squirrels_making_noises/
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What do you call it when a Dinosaur can't perform in bed?

A reptile dysfunction.
Thank high me for that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3osc0u/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_dinosaur_cant_perform/
%
I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3os6wp/i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_just_by_looking_at_it/
%
Greg was so hungry he ate a frozen steak.

He hadn't really thawed it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3os2gc/greg_was_so_hungry_he_ate_a_frozen_steak/
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I don't give a sh*t.

One time, on a beautiful sunny day, three good friends made a deal to not give a shit about anything anymore.
After some time of walking behind eachother, one guy notices a 100 dollar bill, stops above it, and thinks whether to pick it up or not.
Then he says quietly:
"Aaah, fuck it, i don't give a shit about that money".
And proceeds to walk.
Second guy saws him looking down and notices the dollar bill, and as he is approaching the money, he remembered about the deal they had just made, and then thought:
"Fuuuuck that, i don't need that shit".
And also proceeds to walk slowly forward, pushing down the urge to pick it up.
Third guy approaches the dollar bill, leans forward and picks it up. Other guys were immideately confused.
And one guy asked: "Why did you pick it up, we said earlier today that we don't give a shit about anything?"
Then the third guy says to them: "I don't give a shit about what I said".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3os1vs/i_dont_give_a_sht/
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The company I worked for was bought out by a billionaire from Spain...

We didn't expect the Spanish Acquisition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3os1dk/the_company_i_worked_for_was_bought_out_by_a/
%
Why did the nun swear when she got her new outfit?

It was a bad habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3os16w/why_did_the_nun_swear_when_she_got_her_new_outfit/
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An Englishman walks into a bar.

There's normally a Scotsman, Welshman and an Irishman too. But they're still at the Rugby World Cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3os161/an_englishman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did the sign say on the abandoned nuclear reactor?

Gone fission

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3os0v8/what_did_the_sign_say_on_the_abandoned_nuclear/
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The Farmer and the Widow

(Got forwarded this from a co-worker)
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far away and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had the problem of how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3orz5d/the_farmer_and_the_widow/
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Is it blowjob, blow job, or blow-job?

God, I hate writing thank you letters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3orx9z/is_it_blowjob_blow_job_or_blowjob/
%
I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3orvu0/i_thought_vasectomies_were_supposed_to_keep_me/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A Paragraph, because he's not a full Essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oruw9/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
Terrible Accident

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Where they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oruvx/terrible_accident/
%
Why did Jesus stop playing Hockey?

He just kept getting nailed to the boards.
Sorry too anyone offended, but come on, why are you here if you get offended.
PS, Sorry Jesus, its funny!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3orqvw/why_did_jesus_stop_playing_hockey/
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This joke was told to me yesterday by a 70-something year old man sitting next to me on a flight from Vegas to Cleveland. It was the only thing he said all flight.

A man gets home, walks into his bedroom, and finds his best friend standing in the closet naked.The man yells, "What the hell are you doing here?" and his friend replies, "Everybody's gotta' be somewhere!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3orpr5/this_joke_was_told_to_me_yesterday_by_a/
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What do you call a horny asian woman?

Actually, I'm not going to finish that. It's a slippery slope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oro1q/what_do_you_call_a_horny_asian_woman/
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Fresh Limerick

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ormez/fresh_limerick/
%
Two guys at bar

One of the guys says to his buddy:  “Man you look tired.”
His buddy says , “Man I’m exhausted.  My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day,  I just don’t know what to do.”
A fellow about age 70,  sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: “Marry her.  That’ll put a stop to that crap”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ora2b/two_guys_at_bar/
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How do you know that you are dating a french horn player?

Because when you kiss them they shove their fist up your butt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3or9rr/how_do_you_know_that_you_are_dating_a_french_horn/
%
Reddit is like a box of chocolates

It's the same shit over and over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3or8ly/reddit_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?

A private tooter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3or45t/what_do_you_call_a_teacher_that_doesnt_fart_in/
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Hey girl, I want to do you like my homework

"Throw me on your desk and do me all night long?"
"No. Forget you're at my place, pretend like you don't exist, and then do you in 10 seconds at the last minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3or2vz/hey_girl_i_want_to_do_you_like_my_homework/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

[chokes]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3or1zg/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Why did the horse stumble?

He was de-stable-ized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oqzvn/why_did_the_horse_stumble/
%
What type of skiing do Jews prefer?

Shlalom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oqq5y/what_type_of_skiing_do_jews_prefer/
%
Which article of clothing is the most ghetto?

A Hoodie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oqppo/which_article_of_clothing_is_the_most_ghetto/
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Make the donkey laugh, drink for free.

A man walks into a bar.  In the front of the bar there is a small pen with a contented looking donkey munching away at hay.  On the pen is a sign which reads "Make the donkey laugh, drink for free all night."  So the man tells the bartender he'd like to try make the donkey laugh.  "Go for it" says the bartender.  The man walks up to the donkey and whispers in his ear.  The donkey starts to laugh its ass off, rolling on the floor and gasping for air.  The bartender is surprised but a deal is a deal so the man drank for free that night.
The next week, the man returns.  The donkey is still there but now the sign reads "Make the donkey cry, drink for free."  So he tells the bartender he's going to give it a shot.  He goes back to the donkey and the next thing you know, the donkey was crying its little eyes out.
Triumphantly the man returns to the bar to start claiming his prize.  The bartender finally says "OK I'll bite.  How did you do it?  How did you make the donkey laugh one week and cry the next?"  "Well, the first time, I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his."  "And the next?"  Asks the bartender. "I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oqpbi/make_the_donkey_laugh_drink_for_free/
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What did the fog say to the grass?

I mist you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oqo1c/what_did_the_fog_say_to_the_grass/
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A bear walks into a bar.

He sits at the bar and orders a drink.  The bartender says "You need to leave, we don't serve your kind here."  The bear is enraged.  He rears up on his hind legs, lets out a savage feral roar and in one bite he swallows the lady sitting next to him.
"NOW." he says. "HOW ABOUT THAT DRINK."
"We don't serve drug addicts here either." Says the bartender.
"I saw that barbitchuate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oqntc/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Hey baby, is that a gun in my pocket?

Get in the van.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oqlty/hey_baby_is_that_a_gun_in_my_pocket/
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What did socialists use before candles?

Light bulbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oqanx/what_did_socialists_use_before_candles/
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Last supper

*at the last supper*
*Jesus breaks bread* this is my body
*pours wine* this is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*   Judas: I'm just going to stop you right there....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oq904/last_supper/
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A Man Was Lost In The Desert

A man was lost in the desert for days and days and days and was crawling on his hands and knees. He had heat stroke, sun stroke, everything stroke and in maybe a few minutes he would be dead.
In the distance he saw a mirage, he thought. He saw someone coming towards him but he hadn't seen anyone for days. The middle of no where, so he thought this can't be true.
And as he looked, it looked as if it was an Eskimo with a dog sled and eight husky dogs in front. And he thought, 'The sun must be making me crazy, it must be a mirage.' But as it came closer, he could make out the sound of the dogs barking and he could see the furs on the Eskimo.
And he thought, 'My goodness, I'm actually saved! It's not a mirage after all!'
Soon, he could feel the dogs licking his face and he could see the Eskimo standing right before him. "It's a mircale! I'm saved," he said. "I've been lost in the desert for days!" he said to the Eskimo.
And the Eskimo replied, "And you think YOU'RE lost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oq82s/a_man_was_lost_in_the_desert/
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Penn State has taken down the statue of Joe Paterno.

However, they have opted to leave his name on the library, as a reminder to stay quiet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oq51r/penn_state_has_taken_down_the_statue_of_joe/
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A second Limerick

There was a young man from Nantucket,
With a dick so long he could suck it,
As he wiped of his chin,
He said with a grin,
If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oq4b5/a_second_limerick/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pants

The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?"
Pirate looks at him and says, "Argh it's driving me nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oq08p/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
%
What does a suicidal man say to a suicidal girl?

Hey, wanna hang?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3opzqg/what_does_a_suicidal_man_say_to_a_suicidal_girl/
%
Why are frogs happy?

Because they eat what bugs them..
Source: 3rd grader told me this joke..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3opza4/why_are_frogs_happy/
%
Jack & Stevie

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"
Nicklaus replies, "Not too bad. I m not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
"But I thought you're blind! How can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3opz70/jack_stevie/
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Toughen Up

I'm sick of people telling me I'm a weakling so last night I went to the gym.
After a light warm up, I steadied myself, put both hands on the metal bar and heaved with all my might. I strained and I strained but still, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get it to budge.
Eventually one of the burly staff members came over and said... "Stop pulling on the door mate, we're closed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3opz07/toughen_up/
%
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

If we stick together we can stop this crap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3opwzl/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other_butt/
%
I hate it when people tell me I don't need alcohol to have fun.

You don't need shoes to run, but it fucking helps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3optj3/i_hate_it_when_people_tell_me_i_dont_need_alcohol/
%
What is Link's favorite Final Fantasy character?

Zell, duh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3optde/what_is_links_favorite_final_fantasy_character/
%
"What's The Pink Panther's favourite type of jacket?"

"No idea."
"Denim."
"Denim?"
"Denim denim denim denim denim..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3opm0o/whats_the_pink_panthers_favourite_type_of_jacket/
%
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has its claws at the end of its paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oplaf/what_is_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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A cop stops a drunk man and asks "how high are you?"

The man replies. "That is wrong English. You should say  'Hi how are you?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3opkbf/a_cop_stops_a_drunk_man_and_asks_how_high_are_you/
%
Smooth Farmer

Whats a farmers best dating advice?
A tractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3opjca/smooth_farmer/
%
A man spits out his coffee

"This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ophqx/a_man_spits_out_his_coffee/
%
My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD.

Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3opgyj/my_doctor_diagnosed_me_with_schizophrenia_and_adhd/
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A Limerick

There was a young man from Belgrave,
Who found a dead whore in a cave,
He said "It's disgusting",
But she only needs dusting,
Just think of the money I'll save!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3opfnr/a_limerick/
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Roses are red violets are blue

Roses are red and Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet and so are you
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead
The sugar bowls empty and so is your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3opegq/roses_are_red_violets_are_blue/
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How many women has the pope slept with?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3opeds/how_many_women_has_the_pope_slept_with/
%
Marriage

Man: Finally, the day I have been waiting for is here!
Woman: Can I leave you?
Man: Never, don't even think about it.
Woman: Will you love me?
Man: Of course!
Woman: Will you cheat on me?
Man: No, where did you get that thought from?
Woman: Will you have sex me?
Man: Hell yes!
Woman: Will you hit me?
Man: Not in a million years!
Woman: So, do you trust me?
(After marriage, read from bottom to top)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3opb55/marriage/
%
What do you call a funny jar of sauce

Lmayo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3op94x/what_do_you_call_a_funny_jar_of_sauce/
%
Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Credit: 3rd grade me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3op5rq/why_do_pencils_shave/
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I like my coffee like I like my women...

Cold and bitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oovs2/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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What did they give the guy who invented the doorknocker?

A no-bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oop3h/what_did_they_give_the_guy_who_invented_the/
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Just found out my friend's wife is pregnant

They say they don't know the sex, but I am fairly certain it wasn't anal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oonnf/just_found_out_my_friends_wife_is_pregnant/
%
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oom6e/what_do_you_call_a_dictionary_on_drugs/
%
Hillary Clinton sucks!

No she doesn't, because if she did Bill wouldn't have Monica.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oom5x/hillary_clinton_sucks/
%
TIL of Cunningham's Law

It states that the best way to get the right answer on the internet is to ask a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oola0/til_of_cunninghams_law/
%
what do you say to a puking prostitute?

Heave-ho!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oohwz/what_do_you_say_to_a_puking_prostitute/
%
Driving Down The Street

I was driving down the street when i saw a black man with a tv, i thought to myself hmm that looks just like mine but when i got home mine was still there washing my car like i told him to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oo9yq/driving_down_the_street/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oo8ri/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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The Greatful Bear

An atheist was walking in the forest admiring all the beauty of creation. He heard and saw a large bush rustling and decide to investigate. He frightened a large bear which started to chase him. He ran hard, looked back and saw the bear catching up. He ran harder, looked back and the bear was still catching up. He sprinted as fast as he could, looked back and the bear was still catching up. The atheist tripped on an exposed tree root and as the bear reared it's huge claws to strike and in a haste the atheist yelled, "Oh god please no!" All of the sudden, the bear froze before striking. The wind stopped blowing. The river stopped flowing. The clouds broke and the brightest light shined down on the atheist. A loud voice called to him and said, " Ah, now that you face death, are you prepared to accept my existence and worship me?" The atheist replied, "Well I don't want to be a hypocrite so maybe you can make this bear one of your followers. " Then the river began to flow. The wind began to blow. The bear lowered it's claw, knelt, and said, "Lord, thank you for this meal I'm about to receive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oo8d2/the_greatful_bear/
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Edited from my mistake earlier today: what do paedophiles and napalm have in common?

They can both strip a Vietnamese orphan in under 30 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oo83s/edited_from_my_mistake_earlier_today_what_do/
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72 Virgins

Abdulla tried to contact the soul of his cousin, Naved,  who had exploded himself as a suicide bomber.
Abdulla wanted to know whether the 'Jihad' legend is true...
especially about the 72 virgins they get.
So he asked 'How is the social life bro ?'
Naved said 'Amazing bro. I can pick any female. They wont object. Both males and females roam around naked. Nobody bothers. I do it round the clock. It's ultimate.'
Abdulla says 'Holy shit ! Is that how Heaven is ?'
Naved says 'No bro.
Not Heaven.. I am reborn as a street dog in Karachi...😝

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oo0wk/72_virgins/
%
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3onplh/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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I'm not an elitist.

I'm far better than that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ono9r/im_not_an_elitist/
%
Did you hear about the arms dealer who's giving away M18 Claymores with every purchase?

Oh, I'm gonna get mines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3onn7y/did_you_hear_about_the_arms_dealer_whos_giving/
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Have you heard the joke about leaving milk out too long?

I'd tell you, but it's cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3onkbi/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_leaving_milk_out/
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I lost my watch at a party once...

I lost my watch at a party once. I saw this guy stepping on it while sexually assaulting a girl. I walked up to him and punched him right in the nose. No one does that to a girl. Not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3onjfw/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
%
We can't really blame Donald Trump...

I mean look at China; they built a wall and have almost no Mexicans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3onhvw/we_cant_really_blame_donald_trump/
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Which one of you am I going to have to fight?

My father told me a story about his uncle. He said that my Uncle was in a town on business and after dinner when walking back to his hotel 7 men suddenly surrounded him and demanded his wallet. My Uncle being the hard ass he is asks the men "well, which one of you am I going to have to fight?" The men looked at him kinda weird and one man finally spoke up and said "no I don't think you understand. You're going to have to fight all of us." My Uncle calmly pulled out his revolver and said "nah, you don't understand! See I'm going to shoot six of you, so which one am I going to have to fight?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ongjc/which_one_of_you_am_i_going_to_have_to_fight/
%
Two historians are discussing about the Holocaust

\- The holocaust wasn't that bad; says one of them.
\- Are you out of your mind?; the other one replies.
\- What if I were to kill 6 million Jews and one actress?
\- But why the actress?
\- See, nobody ever cares about the Jews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ong75/two_historians_are_discussing_about_the_holocaust/
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I wanted to get my sex change reversed from a woman back to being a man...

...but I didn't have the balls to go through with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3onfd1/i_wanted_to_get_my_sex_change_reversed_from_a/
%
Why are Republicans so easy to point out?

They're usually the elephant in the room

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3onfcf/why_are_republicans_so_easy_to_point_out/
%
My friend recently passed away after eating some poisonous mushrooms

It's pretty sad, he was a really fungi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ond8u/my_friend_recently_passed_away_after_eating_some/
%
Why are Peter Pan's jokes not funny?

Because they Neverland

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oncdf/why_are_peter_pans_jokes_not_funny/
%
Whats the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through his opening monologue without laughing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3onbhq/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_jimmy_fallon/
%
I lost my dictionary today.

I can't find the words to express my dissapointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3onach/i_lost_my_dictionary_today/
%
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None they just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3on3ow/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
%
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3on3o1/why_does_snoop_dogg_carry_an_umbrella/
%
A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3on377/a_cabbie_picks_up_a_nun/
%
Pet Lobsters on a Beach

A man is walking a long a beach with a bucket of fresh lobsters, when he is stopped by a local law enforcement officer.
"You cannot have those lobsters! We take lobster poaching very seriously."
"Oh, no sir, these are not poached. These are actually my pet lobsters. Every day I walk them to the edge of the water and let them swim around for exercise, then I whistle and they all come back to me. See, let me prove it."
"Well, ok," he says as they both walk towards the edge. The man tosses his pet lobsters in the water and they wait for a few minutes.
Finally, the lawman says, "Alright, that's enough, whistle your lobsters back in."
The man responds, "Lobsters? What lobsters?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3on1ct/pet_lobsters_on_a_beach/
%
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They would eventually find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3omxxh/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
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A bear walks into a bar.

When he get to the bar he says “I' ll have a rum and.......coke.”
“Why the long pause?” asks the bartender.
The bear replies “Well, I am a bear”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3omscz/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why didn't Harry Potter want to date Hermione?

Because he likes to Hit it and Quidditch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3omqz3/why_didnt_harry_potter_want_to_date_hermione/
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What did the cow is standing all alone in a field say?

Where are the udders?
(Thanks to my three boys for that one!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3omqgl/what_did_the_cow_is_standing_all_alone_in_a_field/
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How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3omq2d/how_many_northern_californians_does_it_take_to/
%
A man tries to punch a wood chipper

He is unarmed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3omoqr/a_man_tries_to_punch_a_wood_chipper/
%
What's the difference between my girlfriend and my dog

I can make my dog come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3omnzj/whats_the_difference_between_my_girlfriend_and_my/
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Johnny walked into his parents' bedroom...

He was surprised to see his parents were naked and his mom was bouncing on top of his dad.  Mortified, his mom tells him to go to his room.  After a few minutes of quick thinking she goes to Johnny to try to explain what he had witnessed.
"Johnny, your father's belly is so big that every once in awhile I have to bounce on top of him to push it back in," she exclaimed.
Johnny, just as puzzled as ever turned to her and said, "You're wasting your time, every day when you go to work Mrs. Jones from across the street comes over and blows it back up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3omjuf/johnny_walked_into_his_parents_bedroom/
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75% of men dont get enough fibre in their diet..

....tough shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3omcp4/75_of_men_dont_get_enough_fibre_in_their_diet/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves...

Free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3omc53/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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A man is lost in the desert. (Not Nate the Snake)

A man is lost in the desert.  He tired and has he's stumbling up another sand dune  he comes across a lamp.  "What the hell." He think and rubs it three times and a genie pops out.  "Thank you so much!" The genie tells the man.  "I've been trapped in that lamp for thousands of years! Since you set me free I will grant you one wish."  The man kinda grumbles thinking he always thought it was three wishes but quickly gets over it.  A wish is a wish.  He pulls out a map from his back pocket and asks the genie, "You see this part of the world right here?" He points at the Middle East.  "There's so much violence and turmoil that has lasted thousands of years there that I would like there to be peace for as long as the world exists."  The genie simply responds to the man with a tear coming out of his eye, "I'm sorry my man.  Even with all my magical power I cannot make that wish come true."  A tear drops out of the mans eye.  He really wanted to make a difference.  "Cheer up!" genie says, "You still have a wish! what else might you wish for?"   "Well... You know Mariah Careys vagina? How it's all blown out and used up? I wish it was nice and tight again.  Like when she was younger."  The genie responds, "Let me take a look at that map again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ombsj/a_man_is_lost_in_the_desert_not_nate_the_snake/
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Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window.

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3om6zx/since_the_snow_came_all_the_wife_has_done_is_look/
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Two atoms are walking down the street...

And the first one says "shit man, i dropped an electron!" "Are you sure?" Says the second one. "Yeah, im positive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3om4mv/two_atoms_are_walking_down_the_street/
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My buddy told me this one: "People think I'm ugly until they see my bank account"

"Then they think I'm ugly and poor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3om0ob/my_buddy_told_me_this_one_people_think_im_ugly/
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Why do women fake orgasms?

they think we care!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3olyz0/why_do_women_fake_orgasms/
%
What do you call a Hindu lizard?

A karma chameleon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3olxf9/what_do_you_call_a_hindu_lizard/
%
Guys, we should stop making fun of fat people.

They have too much on their plates already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3olw8m/guys_we_should_stop_making_fun_of_fat_people/
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Had a fight with the wifey last night.

She exclaimed "Shut up, women are always right and men are always wrong." to which I replied "Yes, you are right".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3olvev/had_a_fight_with_the_wifey_last_night/
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Einstein finally developed a theory about space...

and it was about time too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3olvcc/einstein_finally_developed_a_theory_about_space/
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The lone Ranger and Tonto

are riding their horses when  Tonto falls off. He lands in a ditch. The lone Ranger walks up and says "Tonto are you ok"? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and remains quiet. The lone Ranger repeats himself and Tonto quiets him and says "buffalo come" the lone Ranger says " you can tell that by listening to the ground"? Tonto says "no, ground very sticky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oloh4/the_lone_ranger_and_tonto/
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The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter

lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3olihg/the_absolute_value_of_0_is_no_laughing_matter/
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I used to live with a girl

...until she realized I was there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oldnf/i_used_to_live_with_a_girl/
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TIL that during WWII 3 U.S. submarines sank due to friendly fire.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3old89/til_that_during_wwii_3_us_submarines_sank_due_to/
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How many Comcast customer service agents does it take to change a lightbulb?

...
Is the lightbulb plugged in sir?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ol9cz/how_many_comcast_customer_service_agents_does_it/
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My lesbian neighbors...

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ol79s/my_lesbian_neighbors/
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I wanted to make my racing snail faster..

So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ol6vk/i_wanted_to_make_my_racing_snail_faster/
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A poem about rape...

He grabbed me by my slender neck,
I could not call or scream.
He dragged me to his dingey room,
where we would not be seen.
He pulled away my flimsy wrap,
and looked upon my form.
I was so cold and wet and scared,
while he was dry and warm.
He pressed his feverish lips to mine,
I could not make him stop.
He drained me of my every self,
I gave him every drop.
He made me what I am today,
that's why you see me here.
An empty bottle thrown away,
that once was full of beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ol6hp/a_poem_about_rape/
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What's the difference between a bass player and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ol5vz/whats_the_difference_between_a_bass_player_and_a/
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When I found out that my girlfriend was a vegan...

I pretended I'd never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ol4ws/when_i_found_out_that_my_girlfriend_was_a_vegan/
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Why do I call my van the Pussy Destroyer?

Because cats explode when I run over them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ol4lb/why_do_i_call_my_van_the_pussy_destroyer/
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Three friends go snowboarding

Three friends go skiing at a ski resort and have a great time.
However, when night descends upon them, they seek shelter at the resort.
They stay up for a little bit telling jokes and talking, then decide to hit the sack.
But once they enter the room that they will be sharing, they realize something was very wrong.
There was only one bed!
So they went and complained to the staff and they told them that was the only room left. Begrudgingly, they decide to just share the bed.
They awaken the next morning all refreshed and happy.
The friend on the left said to the others,"hey guys, I had a dream about getting a handjob, it was the best dream I ever had!" "That's weird, I had the same dream," the friend on the far right said. The friend in the middle said to the others, "Well that surly is strange, for I dreamt I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ol260/three_friends_go_snowboarding/
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Dang squirrels

There once was a town that was infested with squirrels. They were everywhere and got into everything. The people of the town hated it especially the miller, the blacksmith, and the priest.
One day the miller decides that enough is enough and lays out some poisoned four to kill the stupid things off. Well his apprentice mixed up the flours and he ended up having to throw out his whole stock of flour and the squirrels remained
Seeing how badly his friend had blundered with his antics, the blacksmith thinks he has a better idea. "I'll roast'm out" he says to himself and proceeds to make his forge extremely hot.... and ends up burning his shop to the ground. the squirrels remained.
The priest being fed up with the squirrels running around and ruining mass gathers up all the squirrels in one place and baptizes every one of them. Now they only come to the church on Christmas and Easter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ol1wf/dang_squirrels/
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A man put his charity bucket in my face.

He said, "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?"
I stopped and said, "Do you?"
"Do I?" he hesitated, "Of course I do."
I said, "Get the fuck out my way then, I want to buy my lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ol14g/a_man_put_his_charity_bucket_in_my_face/
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I don't always feel like I won the genetic lottery, but when I do...

I'm at Wal-mart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3okxya/i_dont_always_feel_like_i_won_the_genetic_lottery/
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A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*
A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.
The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"
Then the little Dimitri, all excited, answered: "Yes! I do!"
The thing is, the little Dimitri has no arms.
So the lifeguard doesn't really trust him but the little Dimitri insists: "Yeah yeah I can assure you!"
The lifeguard finally tells him to give it a try.
Unexpectedly, the little Dimitri swims very well. To the point that the lifeguard asks him: "Where did you learn to swim like that?!"
Little Dimitri: "Oh I have experience. Each week-end my father brings me to the coast, throw me into the water and I have to get back to the shore really quick."
Lifeguard: "Well... It's a little bit harsh for a method, don't you think?"
Little Dimitri: "Oh no it's not that big of a deal. The most difficult part is to get out of the plastic bag".
---
*Because some of you were asking for it. The french version:*
C'est une classe de CE2 qui va à la piscine.
Le maître nageur leurs demande alors : « Est-ce que l'un d'entre vous sait déjà nager ? »
Là le petit Dimitri saute de joie et s'exclame : « Moi j'sais nager !»
Sauf que le petit Dimitri... Il n'a pas de bras.
Le maître nageur est dubitatif mais le petit Dimitri insiste : « Ah si si je vous assure je nage hyper-bien ! »
Le maître nageur lui dit alors de lui montrer mais que s'il y a le moindre problème, il n'est pas loin.
Le petit Dimitri saute alors dans la piscine et nage incroyablement bien. Tout le monde est estomaqué.
Le maître nageur lui demande alors : « Où as-tu appris à nager comme ça ? »
Le petit Dimitri : « Oh ben c'est facile. Tous les week-end mon père m’amène en bord de mer, me lance dans l'eau et je dois revenir le plus vite possible sur la côte. »
Le maître nageur : « C'est bien mais... C'est un peu dur comme méthode, tu trouves pas ? »
Le petit Dimitri : « Oh ça c'est rien ! Le plus difficile c'est de sortir du sac plastique ! »
EDIT 1: word
EDIT 2: french version

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3okxxa/a_3rd_grade_class_goes_to_the_swimming_pool/
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Kim Jong-Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.

Oops! Spelt ***nuclear*** wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3okv41/kim_jongun_has_promised_a_new_clear_future_for/
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Four Priests and a Woman Sit Down For Lunch around St. Peter's Square...

The first priest says: "My son's a priest, whenever he walks in a room  people say 'Hello Father!'"
The second priest says: "My son's a bishop, whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace!"
The third priest says: "Well my son's a cardinal, whenever he walks into a room people say "Your Eminence!"
The fourth priest looks at his fellows and says: "My son's the pope, when he walks into a room everyone says "Your Holiness!"
So, after proudly talking about their kids they look over at the woman with them kind of as if to say "and you?"
The woman says: I've got a daughter, she's got knockout face, DDs, and a 24 waist, whenever she walks into a room everyone says "OH MY GOD!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3okkoi/four_priests_and_a_woman_sit_down_for_lunch/
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Divorce & Circumcision

Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?
A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3okiuf/divorce_circumcision/
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Why didn't the life guard save the hippy?

He was too far out, man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3okfmc/why_didnt_the_life_guard_save_the_hippy/
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Why don't Italians like Jehova's Witnesses?

*Italians don't like... no witnesses.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ok9ms/why_dont_italians_like_jehovas_witnesses/
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A pregnant woman goes into a coma...

A pregnant woman goes into a coma 3 months into her pregnancy, 7 months later she wakes up and is told by the doctor she had successfully shit out twins. Due to her being in a coma, her brother was given permission to name them.
"Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot! What are their names?"
"The girls is called Denise"
"Oh that's not so bad... What about the boy?"
"Denephew"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ok7lk/a_pregnant_woman_goes_into_a_coma/
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A man sunbathes nude and ends up burning his cock.

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a cup of cold milk.
His blonde girlfriend comes home and finds him with his cock in a cup of cold milk.
'Good heavens', she remarks, '
I always wondered how you guys reload these things!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ok6j7/a_man_sunbathes_nude_and_ends_up_burning_his_cock/
%
Time flies

like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ok4jr/time_flies/
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There once was a priest from Siberia...

whose morals were rather inferior.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done
And made her a mother superior.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ok36s/there_once_was_a_priest_from_siberia/
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Why did the scarecrow receive a prize?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ok0pj/why_did_the_scarecrow_receive_a_prize/
%
A husband dies and goes to heaven.

A husband died. A few years later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to his with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ojzmy/a_husband_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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I was looking for hours for my thread on Reddit..

Turns out I was browsing with the popular filter :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ojyym/i_was_looking_for_hours_for_my_thread_on_reddit/
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Two satellites get married

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ojywc/two_satellites_get_married/
%
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

The prostitute stops screwing the client when they die.
Source: eavesdropping on the legal counsel at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ojxjs/whats_the_difference_between_a_lawyer_and_a/
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A termite walks into a bar...

and asks, "is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ojobs/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do Republicans hate lotion?

Because the directions say to apply it liberally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ojkyh/why_do_republicans_hate_lotion/
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Girl, you're like a supermassive black hole...

...because you're incredibly dense, nothing is more attactive than you, and once you suck me in there's no going back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ojiig/girl_youre_like_a_supermassive_black_hole/
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What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car next to an abortion clinic?

Having to go in to ask for a coat hangar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ojgz7/whats_the_worst_part_about_locking_your_keys_in/
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Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking at their doors all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ojfnm/jehovahs_witnesses_dont_celebrate_halloween/
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Why is hay so unreliable?

It keeps baleing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ojby2/why_is_hay_so_unreliable/
%
A man had to go abroad for work for a few months and left his pet cat in his neighbor's care

A month into his trip, he suddenly gets an email from his neighbor, "I am sorry John, but your cat is dead". He immediately left everything and flew back home. He loved his cat very much and was devastated by his death. He gave the cat a proper funeral, and then was prepared to go back to work again...
Before leaving, he met his neighbor. He told him, "Thanks for letting me know. But you know, if something like this happens to someone in the future, you should not break the news like that, I could have got a heart attack, you know! You should always break such news slowly. For example, you could have sent me a mail saying, 'Hey John! Your cat is doing great, just today I saw it climbing the tree behind your home.' Then another in a while, 'Hey John, I am afraid there has been a bad storm, and the tree behind your house has fallen down'. Then, 'Bad news John, it seems your cat was stuck in the tree when the storm came... He is badly hurt and we are taking him to the vet now'. And then finally another mail, 'I am very sorry John, but we could not save your cat'.
In this way, I would have been more prepared for the bad news"
His neighbor said, "I am sorry John, you are absolutely right. I will keep this in mind"
So John goes back to work, trying to forget his grief of losing the cat.
A couple of months later, he gets another e-mail from his neighbor. "Hey John, hope you are doing great! Just had a visit from your mother. She is climbing the tree in our backyard now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ojbko/a_man_had_to_go_abroad_for_work_for_a_few_months/
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There was once this starving homeless man near Pyongyang...

This joke has been removed.  Food and shelter is plentiful in North Korea.  To desire more is greed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ojb4z/there_was_once_this_starving_homeless_man_near/
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Why doesn't Gandalf dress as a pimp for Halloween?

So people do not take him as a conjurer of cheap tricks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ojapi/why_doesnt_gandalf_dress_as_a_pimp_for_halloween/
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Why did the hipster salmon not get to breed?

He didnt use the main stream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oj89j/why_did_the_hipster_salmon_not_get_to_breed/
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A Priest and a Nun go golfing...

...They reach the first teebox and decide the Nun shall go first. She sets up her ball and then proceeds to pray
"Oh Father, we thank for this wonderful game of golf and this beautifull day that we can come together and play golf for you glory. I ask for you blessing with this drive. Father, Son and the Holy Ghost. Amen."
The Priest, who is irked the Nun is taking so long takes a puff of his cigar and says.
"Lets go sister, just hit the damn ball!"
The Nuns does just this and executes a perfect drive down the fairway. The Priest strides up and quickly, without praying, hits his ball. His drive slices to the left and his ball disappears into the trees.
"SHIT I MISSED!!"
"Father?!?! You shouldnt use such vulgar language!! May the lord strike you down where you stand!!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever sister"
The Nun and the Priest get into the golf cart and drive to the Nuns ball. She gets out and prays again.
"Father who is in heaven, please forgive the Priest his words and bless the strike I am about to take. Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen."
*huff "Jesus sister just hit the ball..."
The Nun hits the ball and is rewarded with a perfect shot onto the green. The Priest quite upset that he is getting beaten by a Nun, grumpily goes and find his ball. With one foot ona rock and rhe other on the root of a tree, tha Priest takes his shot... and lands his ball in the lake.
"SHIT I MISSED!!!!"
"Father you musnt use such language!! May the Lord strike you down where you stand!!"
The Priest ignores the nun and drives her to her ball.
"May the lord grant me a blessing upon this stroke." Declares the Nun.
She hits her ball and it, of course, goes in.
The Priest, absolutley furious that HE is going to LOSE to a NUN, gkes down to the lake with a new ball. He places it down, grabs his wedge and roughly strikes the ball. His ball flys straight towards the hole, but overshoots and lands in a bunker.
"SHIT I MISSED!!" Screams the Piest.
"May the Lord strike you down with lighting whe-"
All of a sudden clouds gather. A huge lighting bolt smashes to the ground!! Aaaaaaaaaaand... the Nun lies smoking on the ground...
When heard from above a deep voice says,
"SHIT I MISSED!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oj2xv/a_priest_and_a_nun_go_golfing/
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What's the best part about sleeping with a Cubs fan?

They're used to disappointment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oj1sv/whats_the_best_part_about_sleeping_with_a_cubs_fan/
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If you arrive fashionably late in crocs...

You're just late

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oizex/if_you_arrive_fashionably_late_in_crocs/
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Did you guys see that episode of Finding Bigfoot last night? [SPOILERS]

They didn't find Bigfoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oiypk/did_you_guys_see_that_episode_of_finding_bigfoot/
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Why is Columbus a slang term for cocaine in Native American communities?

Because it's white and kills them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oiynb/why_is_columbus_a_slang_term_for_cocaine_in/
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Another joke to tell to someone you want to have sex with

Three flies are sealed in a jar: two females and one male.
One day, the male fly goes up to one of the female flies and says, "Hey, I know how to get out of this jar." The female fly asks, "Really?! How??" The male fly replies, "Fuck me and I'll tell you." The female fly thinks it over for a second then agrees.
The flies have sex and afterward, the male fly says, "So here's how you get out of the jar: fly to the top of jar, fly around in a circle three times, then dive straight for the bottom. Right before you hit the bottom, pull up, go straight up, and you'll pop through the top of the jar."
So the female fly tries this. She flies to the top of the jar, around in a circle three times, dives to the bottom, and right before she hits the bottom, pulls up, goes straight up, hits the top of the jar and SPLAT, dies.
&nbsp;
A few days later, the male fly goes up to the other female fly and says "Hey, I know how to get out of this jar." The female fly asks, "Really?! How??" The male fly replies, "Fuck me and I'll tell you." The female fly thinks it over for a second then agrees.
The flies have sex and afterward, the male fly says, "So here's how you get out of the jar: fly to the top of jar, fly around in a circle three times, then dive straight for the bottom. Right before you hit the bottom, pull up, go straight up, and you'll pop through the top of the jar."
So the female fly tries this. She flies to the top of the jar, around in a circle three times, dives to the bottom, and right before she hits the bottom, pulls up, goes straight up, hits the top of the jar and SPLAT, dies.
&nbsp;
A few days later the male fly gets bored and leaves the jar.
&nbsp;
Now the person you're telling it to will ask how the fly got out of the jar. So you say, "Fuck me and I'll tell you!"
-- It may take a few minute for the person to bite. After the male fly leaves the jar, treat that as the end of the joke and sip your drink or do whatever you were doing beforehand. The person will sit and think it over for a second before admitting to being confused. Then you ask, "Confused about what?" and then they ask "How did the fly get out?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oiu2h/another_joke_to_tell_to_someone_you_want_to_have/
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If life gives you melons,

you're probably dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oitse/if_life_gives_you_melons/
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I used to own a nocturnal horse...

She was a nightmare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oik0t/i_used_to_own_a_nocturnal_horse/
%
Why is history called His story?

Because it's written by the Victors, not the Victorias.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oijdv/why_is_history_called_his_story/
%
As a lubricated finger was pushed into my anus, I couldn't help but think...

That this wasn't any ordinary vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oidyy/as_a_lubricated_finger_was_pushed_into_my_anus_i/
%
Everyone was dreaming of working for Steve Jobs

except his pancreas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oidtl/everyone_was_dreaming_of_working_for_steve_jobs/
%
Coffee Philosophy

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him:
"Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied,
"Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said,
"I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oi9lh/coffee_philosophy/
%
I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row...

...they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oi6m3/i_just_got_kicked_out_of_karaoke_night_for/
%
I was banned from the gym for taking home a dumbbell.

"Free weights," my ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oi4nl/i_was_banned_from_the_gym_for_taking_home_a/
%
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oi15m/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_was/
%
A boy works up the courage to ask the girl he likes on a date

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.
The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."
The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.
They go out to dinner and the girl orders a steak while the boy eats an arrangement of insects he brought from home.
In the parking lot after dinner the two lock eyes, lean in, and slowly kiss each other. After the kiss the girls eyes are lit up with magic and she asks the boy how their first kiss felt.
The boy replies "I've got butterflies in my stomach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ohvov/a_boy_works_up_the_courage_to_ask_the_girl_he/
%
What is worse, ignorance or indifference?

I don't know and I don't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ohtt0/what_is_worse_ignorance_or_indifference/
%
Job interview with Al-Qaeda

Had a job interview with Al-Qaeda today.
"Where do you see yourself exploding in five years? ", they asked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ohr01/job_interview_with_alqaeda/
%
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps.

I'm slowly getting over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ohom3/i_have_an_irrational_fear_of_speed_bumps/
%
Political correctness gone mad.

I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son.
Apparently it's my "daughter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ohnno/political_correctness_gone_mad/
%
Did you hear what happened to the Native American who drank too much tea...?

They found him dead the next day in his tepee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ohksz/did_you_hear_what_happened_to_the_native_american/
%
3 men are drinking at a bar when a drunk wanders in...

He staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best fuck in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweeeeeeeet!"
Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ohjzr/3_men_are_drinking_at_a_bar_when_a_drunk_wanders/
%
The son of a mexican father comes home from school

The father asks
"How was school boy?" to which the son replies
"Bad, I got detention today" the father was shocked
"For what?" he asked
"Well the teacher told me turn in my ese, but I ani't no snitch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ohjjf/the_son_of_a_mexican_father_comes_home_from_school/
%
My daughter asked for a Frozen blanket

So last night she slept on the balcony

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ohjdv/my_daughter_asked_for_a_frozen_blanket/
%
Sevebty-year-old George. ...

Seventy-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said: "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed: "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ohixo/sevebtyyearold_george/
%
A transgender person has a child

Now he's transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ohibq/a_transgender_person_has_a_child/
%
Whats the resemblance between a prostitute and bungee jumping?

You enjoy them both untill the rubber snaps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ohgsc/whats_the_resemblance_between_a_prostitute_and/
%
What do you call a man with a very long, pointy penis?

Lance.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oh6i0/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_a_very_long_pointy/
%
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ogx7r/my_lesbian_neighbors_gave_me_a_rolex_for_my/
%
An Ethical Objectivist, a Relativist, and a Nihilist walk into a bar...

The Ethical Objectivist orders water, the Relativist orders a glass of wine and the Nihilist steals a beer. The Ethical Objectivist is appalled at the Nihilist, and is upset the two are drinking. The Relativist says, “Don’t worry. You aren’t guilty by association.” The Nihilist shrugs and says, “I was thirsty.” The Ethical Objectivist gets flustered, pays their tabs and leaves. The Nihilist looks at the Relativist and says, “I told you his virtues would get us free drinks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ogwi2/an_ethical_objectivist_a_relativist_and_a/
%
one tectonic plated bumped into another...

"Sorry my fault"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ogtik/one_tectonic_plated_bumped_into_another/
%
Whats the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bath tub.

One has hope in her soul, while the other has soap in her hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ogqkh/whats_the_difference_between_a_girl_in_a_church/
%
Why do feminists hate church music?

Because of all the Hymns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ogqju/why_do_feminists_hate_church_music/
%
Does syria have any walmarts?

No, only targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ogpz1/does_syria_have_any_walmarts/
%
A guy died from arteries clogging.

The doctors' efforts were in vein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ogm0i/a_guy_died_from_arteries_clogging/
%
[NSFW] Johnny was playing outside...

When he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, "What's that?" She says, "Well, it's a beaver Johnny." The next day the same thing happens, except his mom is taking the shower. He says, "Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ogldz/nsfw_johnny_was_playing_outside/
%
What winks and fucks like a tiger?

*winks*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ogi26/what_winks_and_fucks_like_a_tiger/
%
Q: You're sailing on a boat with a pack of cigarettes, but do not have a fire source, what do?

A: Throw one overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oghhp/q_youre_sailing_on_a_boat_with_a_pack_of/
%
Mafioso

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he
called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me.
I wanna for you to take my chromeplated 38...
revolver so you will always remember me."
"But Grandpa I really don't like guns so how
about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a
be runna da bussiness, you goina have a
beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home
and maybe a couple of bambino.
Soma day you goina coma home and maybe
finda you wife in bed with another man.
What you gonna do then?
Point to you watch and say 'TIME'S UP'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ogh2t/mafioso/
%
What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Roll them into a tire and call it a Goodyear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oggno/what_do_you_do_with_365_used_condoms/
%
What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs?

An army.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ogf5j/what_do_you_call_1000_soldiers_with_no_legs/
%
first blowjob...

Guy runs into a bar and straight up to the barman. "Whiskey" he says. The barman pours a shot and the man downs it in one. "Another" he orders. And a third. The barman asks him what's the celebration. "First blow job" the man says. "Hey, congratulations," says the barman, "have another on me." "Thanks" replies the man. "I still haven't gotten rid of the taste in my mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ogc7r/first_blowjob/
%
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

a canoe tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3og9uc/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_canoe/
%
What do women and modern computers have in common?

Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3og9q7/what_do_women_and_modern_computers_have_in_common/
%
When and why did the yam farmer get up?

For a yam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3og7we/when_and_why_did_the_yam_farmer_get_up/
%
What's a German Ninja drink beer out of?

A clandestein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3og65o/whats_a_german_ninja_drink_beer_out_of/
%
A pilot addresses his passengers prior to take off but he forgets to turn off the intercom.

He leans over to his copilot and says, "hey, I'm gonna take a shit and then go get a blowjob from that hot blonde stewardess"
The Blonde stewardess bolts for the cockpit and an old woman screams, "slowdown honey, he said he had to take a shit first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3og3cr/a_pilot_addresses_his_passengers_prior_to_take/
%
How High Are You?

Officer: How high are you?
Me: No Officer, it's hi, how are you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3og1ta/how_high_are_you/
%
What do you call a necrophiliacs erection?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ofwpu/what_do_you_call_a_necrophiliacs_erection/
%
I got security cameras fitted outside my house.

Just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ofwfo/i_got_security_cameras_fitted_outside_my_house/
%
There once was a website called reddit...

There once was  a website called reddit
Which users could read, view and edit
The "Jokes" sub was boring
Each quip had me snoring
'Cos someone had already said it.
.
.
*edited to please grammar, syllable and tense Nazis. Apologies, but it only took 3 minutes to write, I didn't know it would get so much attention otherwise I would have taken more time over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ofvaz/there_once_was_a_website_called_reddit/
%
If you lose your left hand...

Your right hand will be left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oft1s/if_you_lose_your_left_hand/
%
And the Lord said unto John; 'Come forth and you shall receive eternal life.'

...But John came fifth and he won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ofren/and_the_lord_said_unto_john_come_forth_and_you/
%
my boss called me to his office

* Employee: Sir, you called me?
* Boss : yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate
* Employee: (After few mins) , done sir
* Boss: Do it again
* Employee: Done again, sir
* Boss: Do it once more
* Employee: Now i don't have stamina for it, sir
* Boss Very good,here are my car keys,drop my daughter at home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ofr4w/my_boss_called_me_to_his_office/
%
It's white, it's ceramic, and it taps on your door.

Let that sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ofqfo/its_white_its_ceramic_and_it_taps_on_your_door/
%
"How'd you know?!"

For health reasons this old guy has to quit drinking. His wife is real strict about it, won't even let him to go this local bar, which is just a block up the road.
Then she has to go out of town. She tells him, "Don't you drink one drop, don't you even go down there." And he's thinking whatever, how's she going to know?
So as soon as she's out of the house, he heads down the block to his bar. One pint turns into four, and four turns into eight, and... Realizing how drunk he is, the guy stands up and falls right over. He's so drunk he can't even walk! So he crawls out of the bar, and then has to shuffle on his stomach the whole way home. Finally he gets home and crawls into bed.
The phone rings the next morning. It's his wife. "I *told* you not to go drinking, dammit."
"How did you know?" he sputters.
"The bartender called, you left your wheelchair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ofnak/howd_you_know/
%
I just got a job as a triangle player in a reggae band

It's really easy, I just stand at the back and ting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ofmyt/i_just_got_a_job_as_a_triangle_player_in_a_reggae/
%
A guy walks into a bar on the third floor

in a building in the middle of a city.
He goes and sits next to a man who has clearly been there for a little while, and is very drunk.
After a few beers the drunk drunk guy turns to the man and asks if he wants to see something amazing.
"Sure" the man replied, and followed the drunk to a window in the back of the room, facing an alley and another building.
"The wind pressure is so strong between these two buildings that if you jump out of this window, before you hit the ground you will be brought right back up safetly to this window." says the drunk
"Yeah right, I don't believe you." says the man.
Then the drunk jumped out the window and sure enough right before he hits the ground is brought safetly back to the window.
"Thats amazing!" yells the man and jumps out the window.
He hits the ground and dies.
The drunk walks back to the bar, and the bartender looks at him and says "Superman, you are a dick when you're drunk."
Sorry for the long read. But it's an old favorite of mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ofivo/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_on_the_third_floor/
%
Poker

No YouPorn I do not want to play poker, I'm at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3offil/poker/
%
Your momma so ugly ...

Not even Ripley can believe it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ofemj/your_momma_so_ugly/
%
Somebody actually complimented me on my parking today.

They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ofc9d/somebody_actually_complimented_me_on_my_parking/
%
What do dwarves and midgets have in common?

Very little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ofawu/what_do_dwarves_and_midgets_have_in_common/
%
What do you call twin brothers?

A sunset!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3of8hd/what_do_you_call_twin_brothers/
%
I have the body of an eighteen year old

I keep it in the fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3of7jz/i_have_the_body_of_an_eighteen_year_old/
%
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3of78c/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out/
%
Two German spies came to English pub during WW II.

One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.
- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3of2j4/two_german_spies_came_to_english_pub_during_ww_ii/
%
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oeyp6/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
%
What do rednecks do on Halloween?

Pump kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oeye7/what_do_rednecks_do_on_halloween/
%
Whats the only free food you will get from a Nigerian scammer?

Spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oexyv/whats_the_only_free_food_you_will_get_from_a/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong socks to work today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oew68/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
Why was the blond excited when she finished her puzzle after 6 months?

Because the box said 2-4 years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oeurh/why_was_the_blond_excited_when_she_finished_her/
%
What's going to be thinner than the IPhone 8?

Apples ideas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oep1h/whats_going_to_be_thinner_than_the_iphone_8/
%
A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate.

A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow.
Rabbit: What are you?
Cow: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Cow: Let's have sex first.
--love making--
Cow: I'm a cow.
So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spotted a chicken.
Rabbit: What are you?
Chicken: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Chicken: Let's have sex first...
--Love Making--
Chicken: I'm a chicken.
And the rabbit went HOP HOP HOP until it ran into a sprukotok...
Girl/Guy you are telling the joke to: What's a sprukotok?
You: Do you really wanna know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oekom/a_joke_meant_to_be_told_to_someone_you_wanna_make/
%
A bottle of food coloring jumped off a building...

It dyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oehm8/a_bottle_of_food_coloring_jumped_off_a_building/
%
A Catholic, Lutheran, and a Jew are having dinner...

They start talking about how much they give for their weekly offerings.
The Lutheran says, "I take $100 out of every paycheck and give it as my offering."
Both other men agree, "Good man, good man."
The Catholic responds, "I take 50% out of all my paychecks and give it as my offering."
Bother other men agree, "Very good man, very good man."
They then turn to the Jew, "How about you?"
The Jew replies, "I take all the money I have and say 'God take everything I got', and throw it up for God, and whatever he doesn't want floats back to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oefru/a_catholic_lutheran_and_a_jew_are_having_dinner/
%
What did one deer say to the other after leaving the bar?

I can't believe you just blew 50 bucks in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oean8/what_did_one_deer_say_to_the_other_after_leaving/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalottapuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oe73r/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
A man walks into an Apple store...

..and lets out a huge fart. Within seconds, everyone in the entire store leaves. Why?
--
Because there are no Windows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oe57e/a_man_walks_into_an_apple_store/
%
I'm so embarrassed! My wife caught me measuring my cock!

It reached just to the back of her sister's throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oe381/im_so_embarrassed_my_wife_caught_me_measuring_my/
%
How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool?

"Please get out of the swimming pool."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oe23l/how_do_you_get_50_canadians_out_of_a_swimming_pool/
%
I just burned 2000 calories.

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven when I take a nap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3odwg1/i_just_burned_2000_calories/
%
Are you made of berillium, gold and titanium?

Because you are BeAuTiful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3odvm2/are_you_made_of_berillium_gold_and_titanium/
%
Your momma's so fat...

she doesn't go back for seconds, she goes back for hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3odt2l/your_mommas_so_fat/
%
I was seeing a girl once

...until my binoculars broke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3odoes/i_was_seeing_a_girl_once/
%
Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3odlum/today_a_girl_kissed_me/
%
What's the difference between my guitar and my girlfriend?

My guitar doesn't yell at me when I snap it's g-string

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3odkqy/whats_the_difference_between_my_guitar_and_my/
%
There once was a cow from Minsk

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.  However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening:
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked:
"Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
"You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3odjf4/there_once_was_a_cow_from_minsk/
%
A man went to the vet for advice to curb his racist dog that kept barking at his Asian neighbour.

"Muzzle him" the vet advised.
The man paused, and exclaimed, "could be, he does have a big beard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3odi3y/a_man_went_to_the_vet_for_advice_to_curb_his/
%
What did the rednecks do for thanksgiving?

Pump kin pie.
Happy Canadian Turkeyday, you sick bastards!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3od8w9/what_did_the_rednecks_do_for_thanksgiving/
%
A collection of my favorite Latvian jokes

Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.
Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.
Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “
Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.
Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3od3i5/a_collection_of_my_favorite_latvian_jokes/
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How do you get a Harvard Graduate off your porch?

You pay him for the pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3od0ax/how_do_you_get_a_harvard_graduate_off_your_porch/
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Did you hear about the blind circumciser?

He got the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3od0an/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_circumciser/
%
So my house got broken into while I was away and the monitoring company called my cell...

"Hello, this is Xfinity home security.  We see your alarm is going off and we can have someone respond to it next week Thursday between 8 Am and 5 pm, will that work for you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ocy6f/so_my_house_got_broken_into_while_i_was_away_and/
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Have you heard the joke about German sausage?

It's the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ocxs9/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_german_sausage/
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[meta] this sub is 90% shitty one-liners with 75 upvotes

Let's get some actual jokes in here and stop upvoting the awkward forced one liners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ocosf/meta_this_sub_is_90_shitty_oneliners_with_75/
%
Why do golf commentators speak softly?

To not wake the audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ocoqf/why_do_golf_commentators_speak_softly/
%
I used to try really hard, but it didn't matter. Something would always bring me down. It seemed like it didn't matter how hard I tried, I could never make it to the top.

Then I realized I was on the wrong escalator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ocme8/i_used_to_try_really_hard_but_it_didnt_matter/
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My dog used to chase after people on bike

So I took the bike away from him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3occ7b/my_dog_used_to_chase_after_people_on_bike/
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As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oc8k3/as_a_german_i_have_to_ask_you_know_what_really/
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Damn girl, are you a cigarette?

Cuz I don't want you unless I'm drunk and one of my friends is already having you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oc621/damn_girl_are_you_a_cigarette/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's really heavy, the other is a little lighter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oc1ei/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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What has 6 eyes but cant see?

3 blind mice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oc0qx/what_has_6_eyes_but_cant_see/
%
Someone told me a story of a mountain climber...

It ended with a cliffhanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oc03k/someone_told_me_a_story_of_a_mountain_climber/
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If laughter was the best medicine...

Your face would cure the world!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3obz96/if_laughter_was_the_best_medicine/
%
An astrologer asks a lady if she wanted to know her husband's future...

To which she replied, "I decide his future, tell me about his past"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3obvit/an_astrologer_asks_a_lady_if_she_wanted_to_know/
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A husband asks his wife...

Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?
Wife: Honey, of course I would.
Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?
Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.
Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?
Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?
Husband: I just sprained my wrist...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3obv87/a_husband_asks_his_wife/
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I bought these pants 50% off.

I guess they're shorts now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3obsls/i_bought_these_pants_50_off/
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Not All Seniors Are Senile...

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store last
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, "Sir...There's no money in that account."
''I know," said the old man..., "But let me tell you about my weekend."
Not All Seniors Are Senile...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3obs2h/not_all_seniors_are_senile/
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I don't hate bread

I loaf it 🍞

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3obq1y/i_dont_hate_bread/
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I'm gradually figuring out what the best lighting options are for my house.

It's a process of illumination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3obkuo/im_gradually_figuring_out_what_the_best_lighting/
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What did the singers say right before they had sex?

Let's duet!
I am so proud for coming up with this one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3obikm/what_did_the_singers_say_right_before_they_had_sex/
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Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter...

"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3obep7/sheila_walked_into_the_kitchen_to_find_bruce/
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Public toilet problems

A guy with severe diarrhea runs into a public toilet  in dire hope of relief. After hearing only "Taken" and "In a minute" from the stalls, he blindly kicks the last stall door open, turns around, pulls his pants down and unleashes the tides within and the brown tsunami stains the walls. After the quick relief the man turns to examine the damage and is shocked at the sight of another man smeared against the back wall
-Oh my God, why didn't you say something!?
-Imagine if I had opened my mouth...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3obc8k/public_toilet_problems/
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Two whales are chilling in the ocean when a boat floats above them...

Whale 1: Hey, you know what would be funny? If we went under the boat and tipped it over with our blow holes.
Whale 2: Haha yeah, let's do it!
*The two whales proceed to go under the boat, blow their blow holes and tip it over*
Whale 1: Hahaha that was great! You know what would be even better? If we ate the crew members!
Whale 2: Whoa whoa whoa! I'm all good for a blowjob but I will not [swallow](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ib4wq/two_whales_are_chilling_in_the_ocean_when_a_boat/cl0y7sl) the seamen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3obb5p/two_whales_are_chilling_in_the_ocean_when_a_boat/
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A cannibal came late to the family dinner.

He was given the cold shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ob4yn/a_cannibal_came_late_to_the_family_dinner/
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What do a chick and KFC have in common?

Once you're done enjoying the legs, thighs and breasts your left with a greasy box to stick your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ob1v2/what_do_a_chick_and_kfc_have_in_common/
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A family gets a robot for the household.

A family gets a robot.  It does many things.  It cooks, cleans, and even slaps someone whenever they lie.
One morning, mom, dad and son are sitting at the breakfast table.  The boy says to his father, "Dad I don't feel well.  I need to stay home from school."  Within a second, SMACK! The robot slaps him.
The boy's father admonishes him harshly. "When I was your age I never lied to my parents like that!"  No sooner do the words leave his mouth, SMACK! the robot slaps him.
Mom rolls her eyes. "Like father like son", she says.
SMACK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oazcd/a_family_gets_a_robot_for_the_household/
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Did it hurt when you fell?

Into the toilet, you piece of shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oatcu/did_it_hurt_when_you_fell/
%
What does a British midget get when he is told he is going to be crucified?

He gets a little cross.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oaspg/what_does_a_british_midget_get_when_he_is_told_he/
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My penis just lost its job.

If anyone knows any holes it can fill let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oap8f/my_penis_just_lost_its_job/
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oali7/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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Someone stole all the toilet seats at the station!

Authorities have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oajo3/someone_stole_all_the_toilet_seats_at_the_station/
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Damn girl, are you /r/jokes

Because you are getting old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oajo2/damn_girl_are_you_rjokes/
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A little girl and a little boy were sitting in a bathtub together..

The little girl looks down and asks, "can I touch it?" He answers, "NO WAY- YOU ALREADY BROKE YOURS OFF!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oac8c/a_little_girl_and_a_little_boy_were_sitting_in_a/
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I got peanut butter on my camera

Now every picture is a jif

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oac27/i_got_peanut_butter_on_my_camera/
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A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby.

A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby and the husband walks in. He says he's always wondered what child birth felt like.
The doctor says that they are testing an apparatus that would share the pain with the father.
He agrees and continues with the procedure.
The doctor first puts the pain at 10% the man feels nothing. He turns it to 25% still nothing. He puts it on 50% nothing. The doctor is getting curious wondering if the device works at all. He turns it to 100% and still nothing. The mother doesn't feel a thing.
After birth is all done they wrap it all up and go home.
When they arrive at home, the mailman is lying on the front lawn. The mailman says. 'I feel like I've just given birth.'
>I don't know if this has been posted before but this was my fathers favorite joke.
Edit 2: apparently I suck at delivering jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oaayg/a_doctor_is_getting_ready_to_deliver_a_baby/
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Damn girl, are you a "damn girl" joke?

Because I want to see you everywhere for the first 5 minutes, then suddenly none of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oaaro/damn_girl_are_you_a_damn_girl_joke/
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three turtles

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oa9fj/three_turtles/
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A man walks into a bar after a long day in the mines

He asks the bartender for some whiskey, but the bartender replies; "Sorry, we can't sell alcohol to miners."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oa6h8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_after_a_long_day_in_the/
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The ISDS (Investor-State Dispute Settlement) clause of TTIP sounds so crazy that I begin to wonder:

ISDS the real life? Or ISDS just fantasy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oa0t6/the_isds_investorstate_dispute_settlement_clause/
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Damn girl, are you from Syria?

Because you're revolting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9yzf/damn_girl_are_you_from_syria/
%
Why shouldn't you gamble in Africa?

Too many cheetahs..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9yp3/why_shouldnt_you_gamble_in_africa/
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Damn girl, are you the brownie I just dropped on the floor?

because you're hairy but I still wanna eat you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9yhu/damn_girl_are_you_the_brownie_i_just_dropped_on/
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[Meta] Damn Girl jokes

Damn Girl jokes.... so hot right now. Please consider cross-posting them to /r/damngirljokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9u7u/meta_damn_girl_jokes/
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What do you call a gay couch?

A homo-sectional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9thp/what_do_you_call_a_gay_couch/
%
[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop...

...when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened."
So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off.
Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9rsv/nsfw_wonder_woman_is_laying_naked_face_down_on_a/
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Damn girl, are you today's date?

Because you are 10/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9n1o/damn_girl_are_you_todays_date/
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In your will, be sure to write you want to be cremated.

The night before you die, eat as many popcorn  kernels as humanly possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9k3q/in_your_will_be_sure_to_write_you_want_to_be/
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What do you get when you line up 12 girls from Kentucky?

A full set of teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9jn3/what_do_you_get_when_you_line_up_12_girls_from/
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Another Halloween joke

There's a costume party, and this guy shows up dressed in nothing but a pair of jeans. The host yells at him: "You were supposed to dress up man, and you just show up shirtless?"
The guy replies: "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9imu/another_halloween_joke/
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Damn girl, are you an ultrasound technician?

Because I'd like to know what sex we're having.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9im9/damn_girl_are_you_an_ultrasound_technician/
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Damn girl, you're like the first slice in a loaf of bread

Everyone touches you but nobody wants you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9i59/damn_girl_youre_like_the_first_slice_in_a_loaf_of/
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(Since bad pickup lines seem to be the trend right now) Do you want to play barbies?

I'll be Ken, and you be the box he came in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9hnm/since_bad_pickup_lines_seem_to_be_the_trend_right/
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I think my blind girlfriend just broke up with me

She said she wanted to see other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9gx7/i_think_my_blind_girlfriend_just_broke_up_with_me/
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Two airplane mechanics

Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?”
Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9cm6/two_airplane_mechanics/
%
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they beat the room for being too dark and arrest the light bulb for being broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9bsw/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
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pregnant

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
He seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o99vx/pregnant/
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What's ET short for?

Because he's got little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o99gn/whats_et_short_for/
%
What do you call a cow that can't moo?

A milk dud
Credit to my 5 year old nephew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o98gh/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_cant_moo/
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is that your final answer

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question.
Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow...
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o97hq/is_that_your_final_answer/
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Damn, girl, are you US foreign policy?

Because you're embarrassing the fuck out of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o9781/damn_girl_are_you_us_foreign_policy/
%
Damn girl are you deaf?

I said, Damn girl are you deaf?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o94e2/damn_girl_are_you_deaf/
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I wanted to Submit a Blonde Joke to Reddit

Then I was warned that the 2 moderators are blonde, the top 3 gold donors are blonde, and the administrator is blonde. So I decided against it, if I have to explain it 6 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8z5r/i_wanted_to_submit_a_blonde_joke_to_reddit/
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Two rednecks

Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter was waiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter asks, "What's logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're gay, ain't ya?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8wj5/two_rednecks/
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What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?

A Roamin' Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8v8m/what_do_you_call_a_nun_that_sleepwalks/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8ulo/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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Damn, girl. Are you r/Jokes?

Because you tell me the same stupid shit over and over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8u6l/damn_girl_are_you_rjokes/
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A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."

The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8qcm/a_redhead_tells_her_blonde_stepsister_i_slept/
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Damn, boy are you Cosmo magazine?

cause you sure have issues with women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8q8q/damn_boy_are_you_cosmo_magazine/
%
Damn girl, are you reddit?

Cus you repeat the same stupid shit over and over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8ntt/damn_girl_are_you_reddit/
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Damn girl are you a slide in the ghetto?

Because I seriously regret going down on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8noc/damn_girl_are_you_a_slide_in_the_ghetto/
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My dad never loved me as a child...

...can't really blame him though. I wasn't born until he was an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8lhs/my_dad_never_loved_me_as_a_child/
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Damn girl, did you fall from heaven?

Because so did Satan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8kaw/damn_girl_did_you_fall_from_heaven/
%
I had a teacher that refused to fail anyone...

No "F"s given.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8gre/i_had_a_teacher_that_refused_to_fail_anyone/
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I like to date intelligent girls who are taller than me.

It keeps me on my toes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8fub/i_like_to_date_intelligent_girls_who_are_taller/
%
I can't believe how much money I've spent fueling my drinking problem.

Time to start brewing coffee at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8fi0/i_cant_believe_how_much_money_ive_spent_fueling/
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TIL that condoms have serial numbers.

What? Have you never rolled them down that far?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8crg/til_that_condoms_have_serial_numbers/
%
a sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff....

Baaah-Dum-tsssss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o8a9n/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_down_a_cliff/
%
If Norman Bates was batman's dad..

would Alfred call Bruce, Master Bates?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o87ph/if_norman_bates_was_batmans_dad/
%
Damn girl are you a Rubik's cube?

Because fuck you, you stupid piece of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o86pg/damn_girl_are_you_a_rubiks_cube/
%
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

No one's ever paid to have a lentil on their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o820e/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
%
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

So he gives it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o7ydi/a_girl_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
%
Sex with a homeless guy

is right up your alley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o7wo3/sex_with_a_homeless_guy/
%
A cop pulls a man over for speeding...

"What seems to be the problem officer?"
"You were speeding, license and registration please."
"I'm sorry, I cant do that."
"And why is that?"
"My drivers license was taken from me while driving drunk."
"Well, give me your cars registration then."
"I cant do that either, I stole this car."
"The car is stolen?"
"Yeah, I stole it and I killed the owner too, she's in the trunk if you want to take a peek."
Hearing this the officer backs away from the car window slowly while reaching for his shoulder radio to call in backup... 3 minutes later seven cruisers have the car surrounded.
An older captain in charge arrives on the scene and advises for everybody to stay calm, he approaches the vehicle with his hand firmly planted on his gun and tells the driver to slowly exit his vehicle with his hands up.
"Why, sure sir, no problem", says the man in the car as he exits.
"My officer tells me you have a dead woman in the trunk."
"Well, that's ridiculous", said the man while he opens the empty trunk.
The baffled captain asks the man where he stole the car.
"Stole the car? No this is my car."
The driver hands over his registration to the captain and reaches for his wallet to produce his drivers license to prove that its his car.
"Well sir, I'm confused, my officer told me your drivers license was taken away, that you stole this car and had murdered the driver."
"Ha! I bet that lying sunuvabitch also said I was speeding."
Shout out to u/AdmiralQED

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o7vz3/a_cop_pulls_a_man_over_for_speeding/
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There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says..

‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o7vmj/theres_two_fish_in_a_tank_one_turns_to_the_other/
%
Why was right always arguing with left?

Because left was never right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o7vhn/why_was_right_always_arguing_with_left/
%
I learned a lot of Mandarin in just one semester!

Though I could have sworn the syllabus said "Calculus 2".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o7vbr/i_learned_a_lot_of_mandarin_in_just_one_semester/
%
Mistake

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o7spz/mistake/
%
Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom....

Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o7p6w/two_students_were_arguing_when_their_teacher/
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What's worse then passing out at a party and getting a penis drawn on your forehead?

Finding out that they traced it....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o7ozt/whats_worse_then_passing_out_at_a_party_and/
%
What is Father Christmas's tax status?

Elf-employed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o7mjv/what_is_father_christmass_tax_status/
%
Damn girl, are you the wife of a convict serving a long term in a federal penitentiary?

Because you left before I even finished my sentence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o7ewr/damn_girl_are_you_the_wife_of_a_convict_serving_a/
%
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o7dn6/whats_the_difference_between_a_lightbulb_and_a/
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Halloween Joke

This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he’s just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders.
The host says to him, “Dude, this is a Halloween party! You’re supposed to be wearing a costume?”
The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I’m a snail!”
“You’re a snail?”
“Yeah, I’m a snail,” says the guy. Then he points to his girlfriend and says, “This is Michelle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o7c8o/halloween_joke/
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Are you today's date?

Cause you're a 10/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o7asj/are_you_todays_date/
%
What did the neckbeard say to the crashed plane?

M'laysian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o79wk/what_did_the_neckbeard_say_to_the_crashed_plane/
%
What is brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o78e4/what_is_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
When do virgin guys get some ass ?

when their fingers go through the toilet paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o77jt/when_do_virgin_guys_get_some_ass/
%
What's a pedophile's favorite kind of shoe?

White Vans...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o74u7/whats_a_pedophiles_favorite_kind_of_shoe/
%
What do woman and KFC have in common

After the breast and the thigh there is nothing left but a greasy box to stick your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o6zw9/what_do_woman_and_kfc_have_in_common/
%
A mole family wakes up one morning.

The father mole stretches, climbs up to the edge of the hole, and exclaims, "it smells just like syrup out here!" The mama mole squeezes up next to him and says "well I'll be, it *does* smell like syrup!" Then the little baby mole tries to push his way to the hole but his mom and dad are completely blocking the way. He cries "I don't know what you two are talking about, all I smell is mole-asses!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o6yh6/a_mole_family_wakes_up_one_morning/
%
A 95 year old man told me this joke.

"At my age, it's always something. The other day, my Dr. asked for a Urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample. So I gave him my underwear".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o6wii/a_95_year_old_man_told_me_this_joke/
%
What's the fourth derivative called?

Inauguration.
Why?
Change of jerk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o6qr8/whats_the_fourth_derivative_called/
%
Why did God only make one yogi bear

He tried to make another but made a boo-boo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o6qbl/why_did_god_only_make_one_yogi_bear/
%
How did the Egyptian go broke?

He got caught up in a pyramid scheme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o6p3p/how_did_the_egyptian_go_broke/
%
I dated a midget once, we were in love..

I was nuts over her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o6ome/i_dated_a_midget_once_we_were_in_love/
%
I've started calling my girlfriend names like Custard, Ice cream, Pudding, Chocolate cake, or Apple pie.

I'm planning to desert her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o6o4b/ive_started_calling_my_girlfriend_names_like/
%
My girlfriend

was crying because she had gum in her hair.
I told her to cut it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o6ilg/my_girlfriend/
%
How do you prove triangles congruent with attitude?

Do it with SAS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o6euf/how_do_you_prove_triangles_congruent_with_attitude/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o67u9/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
Some jokes on Mexicans can be funny,

but a lot of the times they cross the border.
^^^^^OC ^^^^^but ^^^^^rephrased

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o66pp/some_jokes_on_mexicans_can_be_funny/
%
Hey, are you the bottom of my laptop?

Because you're really hot and it's making me nervous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o64ds/hey_are_you_the_bottom_of_my_laptop/
%
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had an albino child?

It was a case of two Wongs making a white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5zcy/did_you_hear_about_the_chinese_couple_who_had_an/
%
Diesel Fitter

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office together.
Asked for his occupation, Ole said "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties." The cleark looked up Panty Sticher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained, "Panty Stichers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor"
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says, 'Yah, diesel fitter!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5xsi/diesel_fitter/
%
How do red necks celebrate Halloween?

Pump kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5xhp/how_do_red_necks_celebrate_halloween/
%
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A mechanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5wzo/what_do_you_call_an_amish_guy_with_his_hand_in_a/
%
A kid brings his cat to school and his teacher asks him why

He says, well teacher before I left home I overheard my dad saying to my mom "When the kid leaves for school I'm gonna destroy your pussy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5v6l/a_kid_brings_his_cat_to_school_and_his_teacher/
%
A man boards a plane.

An attractive flight attendant walks towards the man and asks: "Would you like some headphones?"
The man replies: "Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5tq2/a_man_boards_a_plane/
%
Why are Egyptian saxophonists all such good friends?

They've got a "toot in common."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5scl/why_are_egyptian_saxophonists_all_such_good/
%
Two Statues in a Park

They are lovely, Romanesque statues, and mostly nude.  One male, with a spear and shield, and one female, scantily draped in a robe, holding a jug of water.  They face each other day in and day out.  They are everything to one another.
One day, the Statue Fairy comes to visit them (fairies are real, as you should know) and decrees that they have been very good statues, on the official Fairies' Scale of Statue Goodness (ratings from 1 to Excellent) and have earned, between the two of them, one wish.
Of course the statues wish to be animated (but only for about an hour, since they do love being statues so much), and so the Statue Fairy grants their wish and flies back to Heaven where the Fairies live.
Instantly the guy statue grabs the girl statue and they go running off into the brush.  The bushes start shaking...  Twigs are snapping...  Small animals go running... There is grunting, moaning, panting -
And the two come walking out of the undergrowth, hand in hand, sweat pouring down their faces.
"That was *wonderful*," the man exclaims.
"Yes," says the woman, "but it only took two minutes.  What are we going to do for the other fifty-eight?"
"Let's do it again," the man shouts with glee.
"Okay," says the woman, "but this time you hold the pigeon, and *I* get to shit on its head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5rl7/two_statues_in_a_park/
%
A man is preparing for a golf tournament...

When suddenly a leprechaun appears in front of him. The leprechaun says to the man, "Hey pal, I can make sure you win this afternoon, but there's a catch."
The man, not wanting to pass the opportunity, asks, "What's the catch?"
The Leprechaun responds, "The catch is that you have to not be romantically involved with anybody. That means no dates, no marriage, no kissing, no sex, nothing. You can't even think of a girl lustfully. If you break this deal, you'll have to become my slave for all of eternity."
The man agrees to this deal, and the Leprechaun goes on his merry way. Sure enough, the man wins the golf tournament later that day. The Leprechaun, realizing that he never got his client's name, returned later and asked, "Say, I forgot to ask, what's you're name?"
"Patrick," The man responds, " but most people just call me Father O'Reilly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5peb/a_man_is_preparing_for_a_golf_tournament/
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What do you call a penis with bad logic?

A phallusy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5lw7/what_do_you_call_a_penis_with_bad_logic/
%
An obese man was standing naked in front of his doctor

He said "Doc. I haven't seen my dick in 3 years". Doctor said "Then why don't you diet?" The fat man replied "What color is it now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5iy1/an_obese_man_was_standing_naked_in_front_of_his/
%
Damn girl are you a smoke detector?

Because you're super annoying and won't shut up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5how/damn_girl_are_you_a_smoke_detector/
%
What's the difference between a Hummer and a cactus?

A cactus has all the pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5ewp/whats_the_difference_between_a_hummer_and_a_cactus/
%
An attractive woman from New York was

driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady, the attendant said, Indians ride bareback."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5ee2/an_attractive_woman_from_new_york_was/
%
Did you hear about the unluckiest man in the world?

He just lost the "unluckiest man in the world" contest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5edu/did_you_hear_about_the_unluckiest_man_in_the_world/
%
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut

I said, "why are you crying?  I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5d8x/my_girlfriend_was_crying_because_she_got_a_bad/
%
Visiting married friends

Hamish MacTavish is visiting his married friends Sandy and Glenda MacDougal.
”Sandy, I can’t help it,” says Hamish, ”but Glenda really turns me on. If I could pinch her bare backside just once, I would give you a thousand dollars.”
”For that kind of money,” says Sandy, ”I don’t think that Glenda would mind. Would you, Glenda? Go ahead and pinch her.”
Glenda leans over a chair and exposes her behind. Hamish looks at it... and just keeps looking.
Finally, after five minutes, he says, ”I just can’t do it.”
”Why not?” asks Sandy, ”have you not got the nerve?”
”It is not that,” says Hamish, ”I have not got the money.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5btj/visiting_married_friends/
%
A Buddhist and a dualist are in a bar

The Buddhist says to he dualist "I am one"
The dualist replies, "I am, too "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5bpu/a_buddhist_and_a_dualist_are_in_a_bar/
%
Love

The famous Greek shipowner, Ori Oristotle, was having a house built on a large piece of land in Greece.
He said to the architect, "Don't disturb that tree over there, because  directly under that tree is where I had my first love."
"How sentimental, Mr. Oristotle," said the architect "Right under that tree?"
"Yes," continued Ori Oristotle. "And don't touch that tree over there either, because that is where her mother stood watching while I was having my first love affair."
"Her mother just stood there while you were screwing her daughter?" asked the architect.
"Yes," said the Greek shipowner.
"But, Mr. Oristotle, what did her mother say?"
"Baaa."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5aap/love/
%
What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o58ck/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
A hippie was walking along the road ...

...when he saw a big rock by the side of the road, wobbling. Being a strong hippie, he picked up the rock to see what was underneath.
To his surprise, out jumped a leprechaun!
"To be sure, I am grateful to ye, lad!" he cried. "And in return for your kindness I will grant you three magic wishes."
"Far out!" drawled the hippie. "Hey man, well, I wanna be uptight, outa sight and in the groove, baby!"
"Okay!" said the leprechaun, and turned him into a tampax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o57xz/a_hippie_was_walking_along_the_road/
%
What does Salvador Dali eat for breakfast?

Milk and Surreal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o51gk/what_does_salvador_dali_eat_for_breakfast/
%
A gender studies major gets mugged

A gender studies major is walking through Central Park on her way back to campus, when a mugger jumps her. He takes her wallet and purse, but lets her keep her cellphone.
She immediately calls the police. "Was it a man or a woman?" the cop asks once he got there.
"I don't know," she says. "I didn't get to ask."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o4xx9/a_gender_studies_major_gets_mugged/
%
A woman meets a man at a bar, and they talk, and conversation turns to sex, and she says that she likes kinky sex.[NSFW]

"Oh!, I like kinky sex too", says he. So they decide to go to her flat and have sex. They arrive at her flat and she asks to be excused. She goes to her room and dresses up in black leather, high heels, all the set. She chooses a whip, several accessories, and returns to the living room, where she finds the man at the door, about to leave. "Hey!", she says. "What about the kinky sex?". "Well" he says. "I already fucked your dog and shat in your purse. I'm good." And he leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o4txq/a_woman_meets_a_man_at_a_bar_and_they_talk_and/
%
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she can fit into your wife's clothes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o4qlx/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
%
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o4qa8/what_do_you_call_a_drummer_without_a_girlfriend/
%
Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o4mny/why_is_air_a_lot_like_sex/
%
A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost...

She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below:  Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.
Man below replied:  You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude.
Lady:  Oh, You must be an engineer.
Man:  Yes! How did you know?
Lady:  Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is, I'm still lost.
Engineer:  I see, then you must be in Upper Management.
Lady:  Yes! How did you know?
Engineer:  You don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems..!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o4lr4/a_woman_in_hot_air_balloon_realized_she_is_lost/
%
Today, my teacher stated that he used to work for NASA.

He told that class that he became a teacher because it paid more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o4gl1/today_my_teacher_stated_that_he_used_to_work_for/
%
How do you get down from an elephant?

You dont. You get down from a duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o4fme/how_do_you_get_down_from_an_elephant/
%
Your mom and a Volkswagon have something in common

They're both 40 times dirtier than advertised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o4e8r/your_mom_and_a_volkswagon_have_something_in_common/
%
What's a mortician's least favorite day on the job?

Bring Your Kid to Work Day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o4e16/whats_a_morticians_least_favorite_day_on_the_job/
%
What do you call a scam artist who is walking down the stairs?

Condescending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o4ddc/what_do_you_call_a_scam_artist_who_is_walking/
%
Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o4bpv/did_you_hear_about_the_2_guys_that_stole_a/
%
Husband (watching a video) ...

Husband (watching a video):Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o4a5m/husband_watching_a_video/
%
I had a great conversation with the world's leading brain surgeon..

Best cab ride ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o4a3e/i_had_a_great_conversation_with_the_worlds/
%
Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?

Because she is too big for B-shells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o48lo/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_seashells/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o473k/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
Race

Father Murphy wants to raise money for his church and he has heard that there is a fortune to be made in horse racing.
However, he does not have enough money to buy a horse, so he decides to buy a donkey instead and enters him in a race.
To his surprise the donkey comes third. The headline on the sports page reads: ”Priest’s Ass Shows.”
Father Murphy enters it in another race and this time it wins. The headline reads: ”Priest’s Ass Out Front.”
The bishop is so upset by this kind of publicity that he orders Father Murphy not to race his donkey again. The headline reads: ”Bishop Scratches Priest’s Ass.”
This is too much for the bishop. So he orders Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He gives it to Sister Theresa. And the headline reads: ”Nun Has Best Ass in Town.”
The bishop faints. He then informs Sister Theresa that she must dispose of the donkey. She sells it to Paddy for ten dollars.
The next day the bishop is found dead on the dining room table with a newspaper clutched in his hand. The headline reads: ”Nun Sells Her Ass for Ten Bucks.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o46kp/race/
%
My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o46gb/my_ex_girlfriend_wasnt_able_to_handle_my_ocd/
%
Did you know that the 16th presidency had the best records kept?

I think they were called the Lincoln Logs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o46bn/did_you_know_that_the_16th_presidency_had_the/
%
The Camera Man

A wedding photographer comes into the men's bathroom and walks over to the urinal. He's not quite sure where to put his camera and starts looking around the bathroom for a good place to lay it down. Another wedding guest at the sink notices this and politely asks "Do you want me to hold it for you?" The photographer unzips his fly, pulls his penis out and says "Yeah, that would be great actually".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o44jv/the_camera_man/
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What's the wisest kind of modeling putty?

Play-toh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o44hx/whats_the_wisest_kind_of_modeling_putty/
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A Frenchman, a Jew and a Polack

are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.
”A woman,” asks the Frenchman.
”A telephone,” says the Jew.
”A cigarette,” says the Polack.
Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.
The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.
The Polack walks out and says, ”Has anyone got a match?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o43jw/a_frenchman_a_jew_and_a_polack/
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Did you hear about the chronic masturbator that was slightly under the weather?

He's not feeling himself today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3uu3/did_you_hear_about_the_chronic_masturbator_that/
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Quasimodo is walking through the forest on his way to a competition...

***Ok so this is a joke you need to tell around a group of friends. For the purpose of the joke one of your friends is named John...***
**The joke:**
Quasimodo is walking through the enchanted forest on his way to the castle to take part in an "Ugly Contest". On his way he bumps into Grumpy from the Seven Dwarfs.
*"Grumpy, how you doing? where you goin?"*
*"I'm good mate, on my way to the castle for the Annual Midget Contest, you?"*
*"No way, me too, but for the Annual Ugly Contest, good to have some company lets go"*
So they are making their way through the forest and bump into Sleeping Beauty. Turns out she is going to the castle as well for the Annual Beauty Contest.
So hand in hand they pick up the pace and wish each other luck as they enter the castle and go to their relevant halls.
First out of the castle came Sleeping Beauty, with tears of joy *" I can't believe! It's true! I am the most beautiful girl in the world"*
Second came Grumpy, *"I cant FOOKIN believe my luck! I'm the shortest human in the world!"*
Finally, Quasimodo storms out of the castle running past both Sleeping Beauty and Grumpy screaming and shouting swear words that one can only imagine were created in the dark mind of the ugliest human in the world. Just before he dissapeared around the corner, he stopped and turned around to the other two companions and with tears in his eyes screamed...
*"WHO THE FUCK IS JOHN!!!!!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3uf1/quasimodo_is_walking_through_the_forest_on_his/
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What do you call an alligator that always starts fights?

An instigator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3tji/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_that_always_starts/
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What does the Russian President's wife scream during foreplay?

Putin! Putin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3s25/what_does_the_russian_presidents_wife_scream/
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Why wasn't Vladimir late?

He was Russian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3r7f/why_wasnt_vladimir_late/
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The long haul

an airplane is shipping a large amount of bricks, when suddenly the pilot yells over the intercom "the plane is going down we need to lower the weight" what do you do?
*throw out one brick*
how do you fit an elephant in a freezer?
*open the door, let him in, shut the door.*
how do you fit a giraffe in a freezer?
*open the door, take out the elephant, let the giraffe in, shut the door.*
the king of the jungle is holding a party and all the animals show up except one, who is it?
*the giraffe*
a woman is trying to cross a deadly river filled with deadly crocodiles, but survives. how?
*all the crocodiles are at the party.*
but then she suddenly dies. why?
*she got hit by the brick......*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3r0x/the_long_haul/
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I just opened an express clothing alteration business.

It's called Tailor Swift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3pvw/i_just_opened_an_express_clothing_alteration/
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There's a great horse joke I'd like to trot out...

But it's lame :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3o8j/theres_a_great_horse_joke_id_like_to_trot_out/
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Stitched up by my son.

I got in from work yesterday and was greeted by HPB Jr.
"Hi Dad, for Christmas I'm going to get you something that goes from 0 to 200 in one second."
He's been playing Forza 6 lately so I went along with it.
"0 to 200 ! Wow ! Where are you going to get the money to buy me a car like that ?", I replied.
"Car ?", he said. "It's not a car, it's a set of bathroom scales."
Little bugger...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3mxo/stitched_up_by_my_son/
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Moses parts the Hi-C...

...To save the juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3mkq/moses_parts_the_hic/
%
What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesars
http://imgur.com/QdWVk4r

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3mjo/what_do_mexicans_use_to_cut_their_pizza/
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I like my internet like I dislike my women.

Not going down on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3m91/i_like_my_internet_like_i_dislike_my_women/
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A man taking a walk along a pier...

... suddenly hears this heartbreaking sobbing. He goes to investigate the noise and finds a woman in a wheelchair, without arms or legs, crying her eyes out.
He rushes over and kneels down besides her, asking her if she's ok, has she been abandoned here?
"Well," She answers, through her sobbing "I had a terrible accident that's left me like this, and now nobody wants to be near me anymore. I've never even been properly kissed."
The man thinks this over a few moments before he cups her cheek, lifting her head up a moment and gives her the most tender kiss he's ever given another person. "Now you have..." he tells her.
This makes her smile for a moment, but when he gets up again she starts crying once more, this time even louder. He turns back and asks her what's wrong this time.
"I thank you for the kiss... it was lovely." she explains "But it just makes me realize that I've also never been fucked."
He thinks this through for a few moments again before he leans over, grabbing her firmly around the waist and with one big heave tosses her right over the edge of the pier.
"Now you are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3i6j/a_man_taking_a_walk_along_a_pier/
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How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She's got to chew before swallowing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3fdb/how_do_you_know_you_have_a_high_sperm_count/
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I had plans to start researching sinkholes

But they fell through

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3dwe/i_had_plans_to_start_researching_sinkholes/
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What happened to the plan of starting a book club?

It got shelved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3dkj/what_happened_to_the_plan_of_starting_a_book_club/
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Lost my watch at a party once.

After a few hours i walked into the bathroom and saw some guy, stepping on my watch while sexually harassing a girl.
I punched the guy straight in the nose, no one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3cee/lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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A client just thanked me profusely for curing his erectile dysfunction.

-shrugs- It wasn't hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3bmb/a_client_just_thanked_me_profusely_for_curing_his/
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An old man is spending his first day inside a nursing home.

He wakes up with a rock hard erection and immediately a beautiful busty blonde nurse walks in, gives him a sponge bath and sucks him off. When she leaves he calls his son and tells him he loves it, this is the greatest place ever and that he's going to get some breakfast. As he's walking out the door he trips and falls on his face. From behind a big muscled male nurse starts pulling his pants down and trying to have his way with the old man. After a few minutes of struggling the old man slips away and runs to his room with his back against the wall. He calls his son and tells him how much he hates the place and wants to go home now. When his son asks him why such a quick attitude change he says "well here's the deal, very seldom do I wake up with an erection but I fall down all the fucking time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o3b0v/an_old_man_is_spending_his_first_day_inside_a/
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So a guy walks into a bar...

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o38ef/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o36db/what_did_one_eye_say_to_the_other/
%
We're sorry Micky Mouse, but your wife being crazy is not reasonable grounds for a divorce!

I didn't say she was crazy.  I said she was fucking Goofy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o360f/were_sorry_micky_mouse_but_your_wife_being_crazy/
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What’s the slipperiest country?

Greece!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o35d6/whats_the_slipperiest_country/
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Compliment of a HOT Secretary...

Secretary to her Boss: I want to complain of an employee here in our office.
Boss: What happened?
Secretary: Whenever we cross each other, he says that my hair smell too good.
Boss: That’s just a compliment.
Secretary: It’s not, he is a midget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o334o/compliment_of_a_hot_secretary/
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I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty."

I asked " no bacon?  No burgers?!"
To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o2unf/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_said_dont_eat/
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What's the worst name a transvestite could choose?

Amanda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o2umj/whats_the_worst_name_a_transvestite_could_choose/
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What do you get when you see Bill Cosby in double-vision?

Raped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o2rlz/what_do_you_get_when_you_see_bill_cosby_in/
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Sometimes I tell my

Then I laugh at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o2pm9/sometimes_i_tell_my/
%
Got a new car for my girlfriend,

best trade I ever made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o2oac/got_a_new_car_for_my_girlfriend/
%
I installed a skylight in my apartment...

the people who live above me are furious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o2lke/i_installed_a_skylight_in_my_apartment/
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[Game of Thrones Spoiler ALL BOOKS Fan Theory] Benjen, Bran, Daario, Euron, Syrio, Jaqen, and Coldhands walk into a restaurant..

and say: "Table for one, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o2jmx/game_of_thrones_spoiler_all_books_fan_theory/
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The teacher asked Jimmy

, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o2ilp/the_teacher_asked_jimmy/
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A nun goes to confession....

A nun goes to confession.  She tells the priest, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have not worn panties under my dress for about 3 years ".
The priest replies,"no problem my dear, just say 5 Hail Mary's and do a few cartwheels on the way out".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o2f3u/a_nun_goes_to_confession/
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Who invented the round table?

Sir Cumference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o2c4w/who_invented_the_round_table/
%
A guy at a bar throws up on his shirt....

So he says to the bartender' " oh boy my wife is going to kill me".  The bartender replies, "stick $10 in the top pocket tell your wife that some drunk guy puked on you and gave you $10 to clean the shirt".
The man goes home and hands his wife the shirt and says,"honey some guy threw up on me at the bar but he gave me $10 to clean the shirt".
The wife replies, "But there's $20 in this pocket".
Husband replies "oh yeah I forgot he also shit in my pants".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o29uk/a_guy_at_a_bar_throws_up_on_his_shirt/
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The Barbershop

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says:
"You're gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know", she says... "I'm gonna get tits too, you dirty old bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o24jc/the_barbershop/
%
The shop assistant

The bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant & at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods & climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired & irritated & begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down & glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o23tl/the_shop_assistant/
%
My cat died today.

But on the plus side at least now I know how the microwave works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o1yyx/my_cat_died_today/
%
Hey gurl are you an integral?

Because I'd gladly replace my x with u.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o1xlt/hey_gurl_are_you_an_integral/
%
Nymphomaniacs convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman he ever saw boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
"Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said,
"Business."
I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded.
"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said.
"And what kind of myths are there?" "
"Well", she explained,
"One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Spanish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said,
"I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."
"Tonto," the man said ,
"Tonto Gonzalez, but my friends call me Bubba."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o1x1d/nymphomaniacs_convention/
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What did the fisherman do when he really liked a woman?

He invited her over to net fish and krill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o1sqh/what_did_the_fisherman_do_when_he_really_liked_a/
%
I'm not worried about chemtrails anymore.

My flu shot must be kicking in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o1o7j/im_not_worried_about_chemtrails_anymore/
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What do you call a group of 10 insects that live in a housing complex?

Tenants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o1m1s/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_10_insects_that_live/
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Did you know that Vanilla Ice is now working as a computer literacy instructor?

He's at the community college teaching word to your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o1lwg/did_you_know_that_vanilla_ice_is_now_working_as_a/
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What is Shia Labeouf's favourite genre of music?

Jazz Duets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o1lsz/what_is_shia_labeoufs_favourite_genre_of_music/
%
Why is Helen Kellers belly button bruised?

Her boyfriend is blind too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o1lm7/why_is_helen_kellers_belly_button_bruised/
%
Person: What do you think you're going to be doing in 5 years?

Me: I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o1igb/person_what_do_you_think_youre_going_to_be_doing/
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What did O say to Q?

"Pull your pants up will ya?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o1i1s/what_did_o_say_to_q/
%
A nurse notices that a doctor is walking around with a rectal thermometer behind his ear. Embarrassed, she pulls him aside to discreetly inform him...

"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a rectal thermometer behind your ear."
The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously.  "Nurse, do you know what this means?  Some asshole's got my pencil!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o12ap/a_nurse_notices_that_a_doctor_is_walking_around/
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The Matador's Special

A man on a business trip in Spain decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador".  As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.
The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gusto. When the waiter comes to his table, the man asks about the dish. "Oh Senor, that is the Matador Special," replies the waiter in broken English, "Our very best dish!  Fresh vegetables, beans and zee cojones from zee bull. We get the cojones immediately after the bull fight.  Exquisito!"
"Okay, that's what I'll have," says the businessman.
"But I am very sorry Senor, but that dish is only available once per day."
Disappointed, the man chooses another dish and plans to order the Matador Special the next day.
The next day the man goes to the bull fight again, and afterwards stops into the restaurant. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the Matador Special to a customer who got there before him.  "Damn!" he says to himself.  "And tomorrow's my last day here."
So the next day, he skips the bull fight, and arrives at the restaurant early.  He is the first one seated, and proudly proclaims, "I'll have the Matador Special!"
"An excellent choice, Senor!" responds the waiter.  Soon afterwards, the waiter brings out his dish, but the meat balls are disappointingly small, and taste rather foul.
"What's with this," the now angry man shouts, "I thought this was your premier dish!"
"I'm very sorry, Senor," said the waiter, "But you see, sometimes zee bull, he wins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o0z9w/the_matadors_special/
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What kind of computer can't sing?

A Dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o0qne/what_kind_of_computer_cant_sing/
%
I can't sleep in my bed anymore, my mind races thinking of all the stupid stuff I've done in the past.

Stupid memory foam...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o0ldy/i_cant_sleep_in_my_bed_anymore_my_mind_races/
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As I've gotten older, I've realized the world can be seen through a million perspectives.

Mine and 999,999 wrong ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o0ijr/as_ive_gotten_older_ive_realized_the_world_can_be/
%
When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting.

I wonder what he's up to these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o0i3f/when_i_was_a_little_kid_i_had_this_friend_that/
%
My dad is teaching me to be a hipster

He told me to eat my food before its cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o0gxu/my_dad_is_teaching_me_to_be_a_hipster/
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A Texas man is on vacation in Europe..

As he walks along with a tour guide, they come across some graffiti where someone has spray painted 'Yankee go home!"
The tour guide flustered and a bit embarrassed, said 'sorry you had to see that'
The Texan said 'don't worry, where I'm from we don't like them either'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o0dr8/a_texas_man_is_on_vacation_in_europe/
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SAMPLES

An older man is having a tough time hearing and decides to do something about it. He makes a doctor appointment and takes his wife along. The doctor looks the man over and says, "Well, this is a common problem for a man your age. I'd like to see a urine sample, fecal sample and a sperm sample." The man can’t hear the request and turns to his wife to ask what the doctor said. The wife replies, "Honey, he wants your underwear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o0d9e/samples/
%
I told my room mate that I feel like I'm playing life on hard mode

"No" he replied "you just picked a shit character"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o0cts/i_told_my_room_mate_that_i_feel_like_im_playing/
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How do you convince America to join a war?

Tell them its almost over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o08kd/how_do_you_convince_america_to_join_a_war/
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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs...

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o086y/a_girl_realized_that_she_had_grown_hair_between/
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1.How does a elephant hide in the jungle? 2.What is the Loudest sound in the jungle?

1.Paints its balls red and climbs up a apple tree.
2.Tarzan picking apples.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o05se/1how_does_a_elephant_hide_in_the_jungle_2what_is/
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Panic at the hotel

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o05dm/panic_at_the_hotel/
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My Dad has the heart of a lion

and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o02au/my_dad_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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What do you call a masterbating cow?

Beef stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o00gr/what_do_you_call_a_masterbating_cow/
%
Knock,Knock joke

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nzu9z/knockknock_joke/
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Culturally no one in alaska dates in the winter.

When asked why, one alaskan replied, "We try, but its hard to break the ice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nzp8p/culturally_no_one_in_alaska_dates_in_the_winter/
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What does a Necrophiliac have when he is turned on?

Mourning Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nzh6v/what_does_a_necrophiliac_have_when_he_is_turned_on/
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A group of naturalists found hundreds of dead crows near highways. They began investigating.

They brought an Ornithologist in, who discovered that 90% had been killed by trucks. After some study, they figured out that it was because the crows could say "Caw!" but not "Truck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nzh56/a_group_of_naturalists_found_hundreds_of_dead/
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What did the nihilist say to the physicist?

Nevermind, it doesn't really matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nzg2v/what_did_the_nihilist_say_to_the_physicist/
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Bratwurst, Sauerkraut, Cabbage, Potatoes, Cheese, Beetroot, Onions, Bread, Butter.

Schindler's mom's list.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nzfpj/bratwurst_sauerkraut_cabbage_potatoes_cheese/
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Dildo

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nzf16/dildo/
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Boudreaux gets a construction job

A Houston construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Lower Cajun. I'm not hiring any Cajuns, the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping that the Cajun wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Cajun says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw
three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine." says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss.
"Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is
99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of DA trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this Coonass, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One 'hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred."
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one 'hundred. So when I start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nzemm/boudreaux_gets_a_construction_job/
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What is the difference between a turkey and my wife?

I stuff the turkey before eating it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nz9ji/what_is_the_difference_between_a_turkey_and_my/
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A new study has found that Donald Trump supporters make the most grammatical errors.

They tried to find Hillary supporters errors as well, but they got deleted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nz90n/a_new_study_has_found_that_donald_trump/
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What do broccoli and sex have in common? NSFW

If you were forced to have it as a child you're gonna hate it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nz8r2/what_do_broccoli_and_sex_have_in_common_nsfw/
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What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite movie?

IT'S FUCKING FROZEN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nz3te/whats_gordon_ramsays_favorite_movie/
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I lost my pet rock in Morocco

Where did Morocco?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nz2oe/i_lost_my_pet_rock_in_morocco/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nyzzr/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Why are horses no fun?

Because they are neigh-sayers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nyz1q/why_are_horses_no_fun/
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Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter on the Whitehouse lawn, carrying two pigs.

A marine is there to greet him and says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton replies, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine says, "Nice trade, sir!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nywpw/bill_clinton_steps_off_of_a_helicopter_on_the/
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What did the cow say about the beef industry?

I've got some steak in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nyszc/what_did_the_cow_say_about_the_beef_industry/
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A priest and a lawyer

had both died, after what seemed like eternity they finally stood before the pearly gates of heaven.
Suddenly the gates open and a bright angel of God apears before them.
"Welcome to the kingdom of Heaven, please get in my carriage and I will show you to your new homes" says the angel.
The priest and the lawyer oblige and climb aboard. As they travel they see roads of gold and jewels. Houses large and small. Finally they approach the first house. It is large and beautiful, crowned with jewels, a pool and beautiful women. The priest thinks "WOW, this is beautiful, surely all my years serving God is finally being rewarded".
The angel depards the carriage and say "okay lawyer this is yours"
The lawyer is exstatic, jumps out of the carriage and runs in joy to his new home.
This priest think "wow if this is what he gets then i am surely graced"
They pull away and as they travel the priest notices things aren't so nice, the roads barely look paved, the houses are run down and the sky becomes cloudy and dull. They pull up to a shack and the angel gets out and says "this is yours" the priest looks confused and ask the angel "but how could this be? I have served God all my life, ive never experienced the touch of a woman, or the taste if alcohol. Why would i get this shack but the lawyer gets that!"
The angel giggles a little and say "we have many preists in heaven. But that is the first lawyer to ever make it here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nyp0v/a_priest_and_a_lawyer/
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What is Mexico's national sport?

Cross Country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nyori/what_is_mexicos_national_sport/
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Why did the North Korean defect to South Korea?

He did some seoul searching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nyml6/why_did_the_north_korean_defect_to_south_korea/
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I can't stand those 'happy ending' massage parlors

Those places just rub me the wrong way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nylxz/i_cant_stand_those_happy_ending_massage_parlors/
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A woman in a store was complaining vehemently about her bathroom fan.

I guess she really needed to vent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nygz5/a_woman_in_a_store_was_complaining_vehemently/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nyb2h/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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My friend's spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.

Well, three can play at that game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ny8um/my_friends_spreading_rumours_about_me_being/
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What's a hipster's favorite kind of cigarette?

Yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ny20m/whats_a_hipsters_favorite_kind_of_cigarette/
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A police stops a speeding man.

Reminds me of a classic joke:
A traffic cop pulls over a man on the highway. He asks for his License.
"I haven't got one, what with my constant drunk driving arrests."
The cop is somewhat taken back, but proceeds to ask for registration.
"It's in the glove box next to the gun."
"You have a gun in the car?"
"Yes I used it to shoot the owner."
"You shot somebody?!"
"YUP. Body's in the trunk."
"THERE'S A DEAD BODY IN THE CAR??!!! HOLD ON I NEED BACKUP."
A half-hour later, reinforcements have arrived and a senior officer cautiously approaches the car.
"Sir, what is your name?"
"It's right here on my License." He hands the cop his License.
The cop then asks that he slowly open the glovebox, and to his surprise finds it empty. The driver shows his registration and confirms that it is his car.
The bewildered cop asks him to pop the trunk. Sure enough, no dead body.
"Alright, I'm confused. The stopping officer said that you didn't have a License, stole the car, murdered the owner and stashed his body in the trunk."
"Oh really. Did that liar also say I was speeding?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nxzx1/a_police_stops_a_speeding_man/
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Job Interview

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nxy9d/job_interview/
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My friend asked me if I liked Chemistry jokes...

So I said "Sodium Hydrogen Bromine Oxygen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nxvye/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_liked_chemistry_jokes/
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My Grandfather had the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from the New York City Zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nxua1/my_grandfather_had_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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Why would anyone trust Chewbacca to fly the millennium falcon?

He's such a wookie pilot.
I had three Star Wars jokes prior to this. But none were any good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nxtv2/why_would_anyone_trust_chewbacca_to_fly_the/
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What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after three hos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nxro2/what_is_the_difference_between_tiger_woods_and/
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen...

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nxqpq/a_few_days_after_christmas_a_mother_was_working/
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Little Johnny does it again!

Teacher rings Johnny's father: May I speak with Johnny's Dad?
Dad: Its not the right time, I am in hospital.
Teacher: You have to listen to this. Your son painted a dollar note on school floor, and I almost broke my nail trying to pick it.
Dad: Beat the hell out of that asshole. He painted a vagina on a wall socket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nxqmo/little_johnny_does_it_again/
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If a pizza has a radius "z" and a depth "a"

Its volume can be defined by pi* z* z* a

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nxov9/if_a_pizza_has_a_radius_z_and_a_depth_a/
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An old man went to the doctor

The doctor says "I'm afraid I have bad news. You have cancer... And you have alzheimer's."
The old man says "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nxj7p/an_old_man_went_to_the_doctor/
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Why did the blond get fired from the M&M factory?

Because she kept throwing out all the W's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nxi1b/why_did_the_blond_get_fired_from_the_mm_factory/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nxc4i/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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How did the blonde break her leg from raking the leaves?

She fell out of the tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nxc3k/how_did_the_blonde_break_her_leg_from_raking_the/
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My sister graduated from college over a year ago and is still unemployed...

I found her sobbing on the couch so I asked, "having an existential cry, sis?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nx9s4/my_sister_graduated_from_college_over_a_year_ago/
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I was surprised to see my eight year old son looking at me as I exited the shower.

Shocked and nude, I thought quickly to avoid an award moment with my son.
"Son, someday I promise your dick will be as big as mine." I said making the best of the situation
The son looked wide eyed at my fatherly penis; and promptly ran off screaming...
"Mommy, mommy, daddy's gonna cut half my dick off!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nx8sf/i_was_surprised_to_see_my_eight_year_old_son/
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What did the snail say while on the turtle's back?

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nx70b/what_did_the_snail_say_while_on_the_turtles_back/
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What kind of fish is made of two sodium atoms?

2 Na!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nx6ma/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_of_two_sodium_atoms/
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They say the average man thinks about sex every 6 seconds

That's why I try to eat hotdogs in 5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nx4kj/they_say_the_average_man_thinks_about_sex_every_6/
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Vermont Winters

Government surveyors knocked on the door of a man who lived in Vermont near the border between Vermont and New Hampshire and asked if they could enter his land to survey the border. He said no problem.
They came back later that day and said "Sir, we've got some interesting news. You don't live in Vermont- you actually live in New Hampshire!"
The man breathed a huge sigh of relief, and said "That is fantastic! I was getting sick of those long Vermont winters!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nx0jl/vermont_winters/
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Literacy

So this chicken walks into the library, and she walks up to the librarian and she says, "Book."
The librarian says, "You want a book?"
"Book."
"Any book?"
"Book."
So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off she goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, "Book-book"
The librarian says, "Now you want two books?"
"Book-book."
So she gives the chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but she comes back soon. "Book-book-book."
"Three books?"
"Book-book-book."
So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and find out what's going on.
The chicken goes down the alley, and out of town and towards the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bullfrog. The chicken sets the books down by him, and he looks at them and says, "Reddit...Reddit...Reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nx0ie/literacy/
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I asked my redneck friend what he thought of the Trans-Pacific Partnership

He said that as long as they don't marry, then he's okay with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nwuu6/i_asked_my_redneck_friend_what_he_thought_of_the/
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Why is my girlfriend fat?

Because I'm ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nwut6/why_is_my_girlfriend_fat/
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.  He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table was literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.  His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand shakily made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when his wife suddenly smacked it with a spatula.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
An old one but one of my favorites...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nwrde/an_elderly_man_lay_dying_in_his_bed/
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I was reading about two ships that collided at sea.

One was carrying red paint and the other blue paint and all the sailors were marooned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nwprk/i_was_reading_about_two_ships_that_collided_at_sea/
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There was an indecisive buddha...

...his mantra was 'ummmm'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nwp0l/there_was_an_indecisive_buddha/
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Donald Trump visits an elementary school

Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nwms8/donald_trump_visits_an_elementary_school/
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nwiwc/what_kind_of_shoes_does_a_pedophile_wear/
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The Lizard & The Monkey

One day, A lizard was walking down a path in the woods when he smelled something very odd. He did his best to sniff out where the source of the smell was coming from, and after a long travel he found it.
The lizard looks up into a tree, only to see a monkey smoking. Being a curious lizard, he looks at the monkey and yells "Hey! What's going on up there?" The monkey looks down to reply and tells the Lizard " Come up here and see, You'll love it. "
So the lizard, curious as can be, goes up and checks it out. The monkey looks at him and says "Try this marijuana. You'll love it!". The lizard, not know what marijuana is, starts to smoke with the monkey. After hours of continuous smoking, the lizard says "I'm going down the path to get a drink of water. I'll be back, save me some!"
So the lizard gets down from the tree, and walks down the path until he finds a dock over a river. He walks as far as he can and leans over far to get a good drink of water, when all of a sudden a turtle swims by and startles him! He falls in the river, and can't swim!
A nearby alligator starts swimming towards him, as he tries his best to get away. The old alligator helps him out, and after the lizard is breathing again, the old alligator says "What do you think your doing trying to swim in these waters, and what have you been smoking?!"
After the lizard explains to the old alligator, he has to find out exactly what is going on. He walks down river to meet this bad monkey who knows he's doing something wrong.
While walking down the path, he finds the monkey still in the tree smoking marihuana. He looks up and yells with a loud old voice "Hey! What do you think you're doing?!?!"
The monkey, Very startled, looks down at the alligator and replies:
"DUUUUUUDE! How much water did you drink?!?!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nweqe/the_lizard_the_monkey/
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Was driving today and I saw some chick texting and driving...

Pissed me off so much I threw my beer at her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nwc6y/was_driving_today_and_i_saw_some_chick_texting/
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FACTS OF LIFE

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in the big city. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several scantily dressed women loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work." The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, c'mon lady. Tell your daughter the truth, for crying out loud. They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?" The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nw70o/facts_of_life/
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Why can't you have Christmas dinner in the EU?

Because there is no Turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nw6c7/why_cant_you_have_christmas_dinner_in_the_eu/
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So two hobos are sitting around a fire cooking hot dogs and drinking whiskey...

The first bum says, "I had the best day today. I went into town and I found these hot dogs that we are eating and this whiskey that we are drinking. What more could a guy ask for?"
"That's pretty good" says the second hobo, "but my day was even better. I was down by the railroad tracks and I met a beautiful girl. We had sex in every position you could imagine!"
"That does sound good, but did you get any head?"
"Nah, I couldn't find it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nw66i/so_two_hobos_are_sitting_around_a_fire_cooking/
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A Mother walks into her son's room and finds a BDSM magazine.

She asks her husband what they should do about it, to which he replies "well, we definitely shouldn't spank him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nw65q/a_mother_walks_into_her_sons_room_and_finds_a/
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BARRACKS DOOR

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Since he wasn’t familiar with that phrase, he went on his way, looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nw5la/barracks_door/
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DAY LABORER

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nw235/day_laborer/
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Why were there only 40,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo?

They only had 2 trucks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvyrq/why_were_there_only_40000_mexicans_at_the_battle/
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What separates humans and animals?

The Mediterranean sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvynv/what_separates_humans_and_animals/
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The concept of politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom,
she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you
the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your
baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and
see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in
bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvvnd/the_concept_of_politics/
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The horny man and the nun.

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. captivated by her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray for a man she once loved. If you dress up as the ghost of him, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and transforms himself into looking like the ghost of the the man she loved. At eight, he sees the nun mourning and appears before her.
"Hello my love, I came back to see you once more and then forever i'm gone, so we should have sex before it's too late. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex because she does't want to lose her virginity. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his  disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvs1t/the_horny_man_and_the_nun/
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A woman is shopping at a grocery store.

She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvq2y/a_woman_is_shopping_at_a_grocery_store/
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A CEO, A Vice-President, and an Engineer are all on the Golf Course...

...the engineer hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll go get it!"
The vice-president also hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll have the engineer go get it!"
The CEO then also hits the ball into the woods and says to the vice-president:  "Fire the engineer.   He should have warned us that might happen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvpbr/a_ceo_a_vicepresident_and_an_engineer_are_all_on/
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Don't worry; that was an insect.

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvl7t/dont_worry_that_was_an_insect/
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I chained up my trophy wife in the basement...

She's atrophy wife now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvl5c/i_chained_up_my_trophy_wife_in_the_basement/
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Why can't you tell when a Pterodactyl goes to the toilet

Becuase the P is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvkzq/why_cant_you_tell_when_a_pterodactyl_goes_to_the/
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My girlfriend is like my iPad

i don't have an iPad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvkss/my_girlfriend_is_like_my_ipad/
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I often chastise my conservative grandpa for stereotyping black people..

I mean how rude it is to pick on jobless people raised by single mothers...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvkfh/i_often_chastise_my_conservative_grandpa_for/
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Well son...

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then you can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then you can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvium/well_son/
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What do you call a really extraordinary farmer?

A man outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvehe/what_do_you_call_a_really_extraordinary_farmer/
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wanna hear a joke about pizza?

nevermind.. it's way too cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvc53/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_pizza/
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My friend gets an erection whenever he sees chickpeas...

He's a hummussexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nvc0b/my_friend_gets_an_erection_whenever_he_sees/
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Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?

A: Because she grew out of her B shells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nv6cj/q_why_did_ariel_wear_seashells/
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Never be ashamed of yourself.

That's your parents job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nv39p/never_be_ashamed_of_yourself/
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If a tiger was attacking your wife and mother in law at the same time and you could save one, who would it be?

The tiger of course. There are only a few left 🐯

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nv31u/if_a_tiger_was_attacking_your_wife_and_mother_in/
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I hate sausage puns.

They're the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nv1w6/i_hate_sausage_puns/
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This is from one of my patients

There's a man out on a Wisconsin marsh duck hunting, and a warden approaches him and asks him about his quarry. The man presents a first duck and the warden grabs it, sticks his finger in the duck's ass, sniffs it and says, "This duck is from Michigan, you got a license for Michigan duck?" The guys furnishes a MI duck stamp. The warden grabs a second duck and does the same thing. After sniffing his finger he says, "This duck is from Minnesota, you got a MN License?" The guy pulls out his Minnesota license. "Ok wise guy," says the warden, but lemme see that third duck!" So he proceeds to grab it and sniff its ass too. "Ok, This fucking thing's from Iowa and I'll bet you've got a tag from Iowa as well. Just where the hell are you from anyways?!" The hunter drops his drawers, presents his asshole and says, "Why don't you tell me, warden!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nv0qv/this_is_from_one_of_my_patients/
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Build a man a fire...

and you keep him warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nuvdr/build_a_man_a_fire/
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A man overdosed on viagra

His wife took it very hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nuone/a_man_overdosed_on_viagra/
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A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.

"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended.
"What is your second wish?" - genie asked
"I want another two lines of the best stuff on the world."
Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: "And your third wish?".
"Two lines of the best stuff on the world again."
Two lines appeared again and they were on high. When the effect ended, the genie appeared again:
"So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nunr3/a_drug_addict_found_a_lamp_genie_appeared/
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Why do people in France have to eat frog legs that "taste like chicken"?

If they eat real chicken they'll be arrested for cannibalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nuniv/why_do_people_in_france_have_to_eat_frog_legs/
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what do you call the space between kim kardashian's breasts?

silicon valley

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nunhy/what_do_you_call_the_space_between_kim/
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Did you hear about the hungry clock?

It went back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nuls7/did_you_hear_about_the_hungry_clock/
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Survivor

A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island. After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Scarlett Johansson.
They build a lean-to and find some food and water. After a few weeks, it becomes clear that help is not on the way, so they start to get intimate. The guy is clearly ecstatic for a couple of weeks, but one morning she awakes to find him moping under a tree.
"What's the matter?" Scarlett says: "Is there anything I can do?" "Well, I am a little shy about asking you," he replies: "But could you take some of that charcoal from the fire and paint a mustache on your face?"
"A mustache? Well... I... I suppose so", and she does it.
"Now, there's just one other thing. Can I call you Jim... like my friend?"
"Jim? Well... if it will make you feel better... all right."
"Great!" he cries, looks at her and says: "Jim! You're never gonna believe who I'm fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nuln9/survivor/
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Why do bicycles always fall down if unsupported?

Because they're two-tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nuim1/why_do_bicycles_always_fall_down_if_unsupported/
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If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house?

Seven because ice cream has no bones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nuhav/if_the_beavers_are_rowing_their_canoe_down_main/
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Did you hear about the Mexican train robber

He had Loco motives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nufcm/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_robber/
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Voodoo Dick (NSFW)

A husband comes home to his wife and informs her that he has to go out of town for a couple of weeks for business. This being his first time away from home for so long he was worried that his wife may get lonesome and need some intimate attention while he is gone. The next day he goes to the local sex toy shop and not impressed with the initial selection he asks the gentleman behind the counter for the best dildo money can buy.
The clerk goes to the back and appears with a seemingly ancient dusty wooden box. As he opens the box it reveals an intricately carved dildo. Amazed the husband asks "What is that?!". The clerk simply responds that it is named Voodoo Dick.
The clerk proceeds to tell the man how it works. using some sort of black magic you can command the Voodoo Dick by simply stating "Voodoo Dick!, and then stating where you would like the Voodoo dick to start pleasuring.  He ends the conversation with the most important piece of advice. He says "when you are finished with it you must state "Voodoo Dick stop" or command it to move to another part of the body.
The husband throws money at the clerk and runs home. He explains it to his wife in detail and then leaves on his trip.
The first week goes by and the wife decides that she needs a little action and opens the box containing Voodoo dick. struggling to remember the exact commands she finally utters "Voodoo Dick, My pussy!". A slight shimmer surrounds the magical dildo and it raises from its box and starts immediately pounding away at her vagina.
She reaches the most amazing orgasm she has ever experienced. Looking down she states "ok you can stop now". Voodoo dick keeps fucking.
"STOP!" she screams. Voodoo dick keeps fucking.
"QUIT, its hurting now!". Voodoo dick keeps fucking.
In a panic she runs to her car and starts driving to the nearest hospital. The whole time she is speeding down the highway, Voodoo dick is pounding away.
A police officer sees her speeding and pulls her over.
Frantically she tells the whole story to the officer in hopes he will let her go.
The officer, taken back by the story, looks at her and says...
Voodoo Dick my ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nue6c/voodoo_dick_nsfw/
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When does a Smurf pull his pants down?

Once in a blue moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nue1c/when_does_a_smurf_pull_his_pants_down/
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Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?

What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nud10/okay_to_tell_dead_steve_jobs_jokes_now/
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nubyt/whats_brown_and_sticky/
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Toasts are like parents...

If they are black, you have nothing to eat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nuatp/toasts_are_like_parents/
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him...

"If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nuafd/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class_and_she_sees_that/
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Why do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles burn all their bank statements?

Because they don't want to have a Shredder in the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nu67l/why_do_the_teenage_mutant_ninja_turtles_burn_all/
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What kind of fish is made of only two sodium molecules?

2 na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nu5km/what_kind_of_fish_is_made_of_only_two_sodium/
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Barnyard Literacy

So this chicken walks into the library, and she walks up to the librarian and she says: "Book."
The librarian says: "You want a book?"
"Book."
"Any book?"
"Book."
So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off she goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, "Book-book"
The librarian says: "Now you want two books?"
"Book-book."
So she gives the chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but she comes back soon. "Book-book-book."
"Three books?"
"Book-book-book."
So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and find out what's going on.
The chicken goes down the alley, and out of town and towards the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bullfrog. The chicken sets the books down by him, and he looks at them and says: "Reddit...Reddit...Reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nu3jf/barnyard_literacy/
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I think I'm going to adopt a kid..

Recycling is important, after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ntwk7/i_think_im_going_to_adopt_a_kid/
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, you will pay.

You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ntvkc/whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_you/
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How do you make a feminist angry

You don't, they come that way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nttsh/how_do_you_make_a_feminist_angry/
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Stevie wonder just got divorced.

Bet he didn't see that one coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ntta5/stevie_wonder_just_got_divorced/
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An Englishman, Irishman and an Iraqi were in a desert..

An Englishman, and Irishman and Iraqi were all in the desert when a genie appeared and said he'll grant each a wish. The Irishman went first and asked the genie if he would make the land in Ireland forever fertile so the crops could flourish, and there would never be famine. With a flash the wish was granted and Ireland was forever fertile. Iraqi was next and he wished for a wall surrounding all the muslim countries so no western ways could corrupt the perfect muslim way of life, and with a flash there was the wall all around the muslim countries. Next was the Englishman, he looked at the genie and said, please tell me more about this wall, so the genie said its 5000ft tall and 100ft thick nothing can get in or out, so whats your wish? The Englishman pulled out a cigar, lit it and said, fill the fucker with water!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ntnui/an_englishman_irishman_and_an_iraqi_were_in_a/
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I was always a home builder

but lately I’ve developed an apartment complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ntn3o/i_was_always_a_home_builder/
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What's got two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ntmmg/whats_got_two_legs_and_bleeds/
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Why did the Portuguese guy take Xanax?

Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ntiv9/why_did_the_portuguese_guy_take_xanax/
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A guy goes to visit his elderly parents...

It's the day after their 63rd wedding anniversary. The guy says to his dad, "Hi Pops. Did you take mom somewhere nice for your anniversary yesterday?".
"Oh yeah," replies the dad, "it was great. The food was delicious, the service was great, and they brought us a bottle of champagne on the house when we mentioned it was our anniversary!"
"Wow, that does sound great," says the son, "what was the place called?"
"Oh jeez," replies the dad, hand to his forehead "damned if I can remember. What's that flower? The one with lots of petals, pink or red? It has a lovely scent?"
"Rose?" the son says
"That's it!" the old man exclaims. He turns his head and shouts "ROSE? ROSE?! WHAT WAS THE PLACE WE ATE AT YESTERDAY CALLED?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ntgfq/a_guy_goes_to_visit_his_elderly_parents/
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What does Batman do with all his spare money?

He makes it wayne

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ntf9v/what_does_batman_do_with_all_his_spare_money/
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What's both blue and purple and never seen again?

This thread :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ntf7b/whats_both_blue_and_purple_and_never_seen_again/
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Was shopping for a toilet. Sales guy showed me the newest model they had in store.

It uploads all my shit to Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ntcx1/was_shopping_for_a_toilet_sales_guy_showed_me_the/
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How do you get a blonde on the roof?

Say the drinks are on the house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nt9oq/how_do_you_get_a_blonde_on_the_roof/
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The Lion King has a lot of Simbalism

badumtss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nt0td/the_lion_king_has_a_lot_of_simbalism/
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How do you piss off a feminist?

Done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nswu9/how_do_you_piss_off_a_feminist/
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What do you call two British men, searching for a donkey?

Assless chaps.
Source:
http://www.mrlovenstein.com/images/comics/345_daft_for_donkey.png

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nss4p/what_do_you_call_two_british_men_searching_for_a/
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What's the best way to get to the mental hospital?

Take the psychopath!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nsqyj/whats_the_best_way_to_get_to_the_mental_hospital/
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I told a chemistry joke once

but there was no reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nsoal/i_told_a_chemistry_joke_once/
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[NSFW] These two guys are stuck in a desert

They try to find some water and food but arent able to find any. Suddenly they come upon this huge house and one of them decides to go and ask for food and water. He rings the bell and this ugly woman with disgusting tits opens the door. So he asks her for rations and.she says he'll have to fuck her for it. Not wanting to do it, he runs away. The other friend decides to go and try. So the woman tells him to fuck her and he decides to do it. She takes him to the kitchen, bends over the counter and tells him to fuck her in the ass. Not wanting to do her, he picks up this cob of corn lying nearby, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. Then she tells him she'll arrange for a jeep for him if he does it again so he picks up another cob of corn and fucks her with it. After he's done, she tells him to wait outside while she has everything sent to him. He goes out and sees his friend smiling and asks him "Why are you so fucking happy?" to which the friend says "Bro! I just had the two best ears of buttered corn!"
XD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nsn0g/nsfw_these_two_guys_are_stuck_in_a_desert/
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Why do they sell shoes in pairs?

Because they're sole-mates.
(I made this joke up about a week ago and figured I'd tell it on non-peak hours so I don't get upvoted enough to quit my day job)...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nskm5/why_do_they_sell_shoes_in_pairs/
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What did the man in the wheelchair say when he returned the hat he borrowed?

Thanks for the handy cap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nsj5k/what_did_the_man_in_the_wheelchair_say_when_he/
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A baby boy was recently born without eyelids...

The doctors, thinking quickly, circumcised the boy and fashioned eyelids from the boy's foreskin.  Reports are that the surgery was successful although the boy is now cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nsh3t/a_baby_boy_was_recently_born_without_eyelids/
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Phones these days are so expensive...

If you fall and hear a crack, you hope you broke your leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nsgd0/phones_these_days_are_so_expensive/
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The color black is out drinking with his friends.

Black says to the bartender, "Hey, something isn't right. Where is all the color white?"
Bartender says, "dude, this is a gray bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nsg4q/the_color_black_is_out_drinking_with_his_friends/
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What Do You Call it When Someone Steals Someone Else's Coffee?

A Mugging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nsf7i/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_steals_someone/
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Dads

(Dad support group)
Hi, I'm dad
"Hi dad, I'm dad"
*room breaks into laughter*
*dads starts building a shed together*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nseaa/dads/
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Whats a similarity between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist?

They both smell it, but they can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nsc8o/whats_a_similarity_between_a_pizza_delivery_guy/
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Why do Jews have a big nose?

Because air is free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ns826/why_do_jews_have_a_big_nose/
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Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ns71m/do_you_know_why_i_dont_eat_at_chilis_or_applebees/
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What do you call a robotic lizard that can't stand up?

Ereptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ns61h/what_do_you_call_a_robotic_lizard_that_cant_stand/
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What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?

Someone who takes everything literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ns20g/what_do_you_call_a_kleptomaniac_who_doesnt/
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I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning

As we were leaving the parking lot, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"
I said, "Who the fuck was that? Stop the car, son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nry79/i_forgot_to_put_the_seat_belt_on_my_fiveyearold/
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Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?

Because there is a lot of reposting to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nrw0i/why_do_redditors_get_excited_when_a_tornado_rips/
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My really jacked friend shockingly ran out of protein powder today. He told me and I was like,

No Whey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nru9q/my_really_jacked_friend_shockingly_ran_out_of/
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What's the best part about abortions?

They never get old

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nrsmu/whats_the_best_part_about_abortions/
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Having sex was like my first time riding a bike

My dad was holding me from behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nrqd0/having_sex_was_like_my_first_time_riding_a_bike/
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What do Mormons say when they go to the strip club?

Do they come in bulk?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nriil/what_do_mormons_say_when_they_go_to_the_strip_club/
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Videogames ruined my life...

...but at least i have two more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nrhm9/videogames_ruined_my_life/
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A Scotsman treats his wife...

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being kind hearted, he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"
So, they walked past it again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nrgvw/a_scotsman_treats_his_wife/
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nrfr7/a_woman_brings_eightyearold_johnny_home_and_tells/
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What do parsley and pussy hair have in common?

You push it aside and keep eating.
Credit to a coworker that told me this last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nrfc0/what_do_parsley_and_pussy_hair_have_in_common/
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Just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in the rubbish bin,

can't believe someone would throw that away! Worth 5p that!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nrf7q/just_found_a_carrier_bag_with_an_england_rugby/
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Grammer Nazi

"Sir we are mining too many useless minerals" (hitler scratches his chin in contemplation) “Mine less then.” (grammar nazi barges in) “mine FEWER” (hitler turns to the man) “Yes? What do you need?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nreg2/grammer_nazi/
%
Why wouldn't you ever see a pachyderm on a civil warship?

Because an elephant never frigates.
aaahhhthankyou

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nre72/why_wouldnt_you_ever_see_a_pachyderm_on_a_civil/
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A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked , "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nrd0x/a_farmer_was_selling_his_peaches_door_to_door/
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Two good ol’ boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted

from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Bubba says, “Hey, Junior - there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drank.”
“But we’s privates,” protests Junior.
“NO, we’s sergeants now,” says Bubba, pulling him inside “Now, Junior, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drank.”
“But, we’s privates,” says Junior.
“You blind, boy!” says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!”
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.”
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign. Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
“Junior,” he says, “What you give me the okay for?!”
“Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.”
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nrbdr/two_good_ol_boys_bubba_and_junior_get_promoted/
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I walked into my bosses office and yelled, "Three to five cellular layers of skin."

"What?" he laughed.
"I'm just saying what's on everyone's lips."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nra6l/i_walked_into_my_bosses_office_and_yelled_three/
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I accidentally muted the command switch on my driverless car...

...well, it goes without saying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nr9ss/i_accidentally_muted_the_command_switch_on_my/
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A rabbi works for 30 years performing circumcisions

all the while keeping the "trimmings" in a jar. When he retires he brings this enormous jar to the leather tanner's and asks the tanner to make him something out of it, "anything!" The leather tanner tells him to come back in a week.
A week later the rabbi shows up, and the leather tanner slaps a wallet on the table. The rabbi is disappointed, "after 30 years, all I get is a lousy wallet?"
"But wait!" exclaims the tanner, "If you rub it, it becomes a suitcase!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nr903/a_rabbi_works_for_30_years_performing/
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If I was a serial killer my name would be "The suspense"

So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"
And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nr8fv/if_i_was_a_serial_killer_my_name_would_be_the/
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Two terrorists having discussion in a bar...

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?
Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..
Waiter :- Why a donkey?
Then one terrorist says to the other,
"See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nr3jz/two_terrorists_having_discussion_in_a_bar/
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How do you keep a blonde busy?

I actually took this joke from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nr339/how_do_you_keep_a_blonde_busy/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nr339/how_do_you_keep_a_blonde_busy/
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This scientist goes to an all male tribe

Over the course of his stay, he gets curious and asks the tribe chief how the men have sex, so he tells him "Come down to the river tomorrow morning and we'll show you."
The next morning the scientist goes down to the river and sees all the men gathered round a donkey and the leader tells him that since hes their guest he goes first. Not wanting to break tradition, the scientist starts kissing the donkey and then starts fucking it. Suddenly the leader says "Sir whenever ur done, we need the donkey to cross the river there's a tribe of women on the other side."
XD
EDIT : Typos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nqz9l/this_scientist_goes_to_an_all_male_tribe/
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Little Johnny Joke

Little Johnny once got into a bus and sat right next to the bus driver. As the bus moved along he started to sing: "If my mom was a female elephant and my dad was an elephant then id be a baby elephant... If my dad was a tiger and my mom was a tigress then id be a tiger cub..." and so on. Soon the bus driver who was extremely irritated shouted "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a whore?" and johhny replied "Id be a bus driver"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nqx4f/little_johnny_joke/
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Two guys walk into a bar

One guy says, 'I'd like some H2O.'
The other guy says, 'I'd like some H2O, too.'
The second guy died.
The bartender is a chemist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nqr7t/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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what is the key to picking up girls who are musicians?

get a flat and be sharp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nqr4k/what_is_the_key_to_picking_up_girls_who_are/
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Life is like an asshole.

Sometimes you don't get what you expect out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nqn5m/life_is_like_an_asshole/
%
An old man and woman meet at a nursing home and decide to get married...

The nursing home doctor suggests they each get a physical before tying the knot.
The doctor examines the woman first.  When the man comes in, the doctor tells him, "before we begin, I should tell you that your fiancee has acute angina."
"I know, doc.  I've seen it several times already.  That's why I'm marrying her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nqj3j/an_old_man_and_woman_meet_at_a_nursing_home_and/
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What did the conservatives say to the abortion rights supporters?

You'll never de-fetus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nqg70/what_did_the_conservatives_say_to_the_abortion/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nqeyp/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_are_camping/
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Bill Clinton jokes never get old

What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?
"I'll be home in 20 minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nqcbf/bill_clinton_jokes_never_get_old/
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Never trust an atom

They make up stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nqb9o/never_trust_an_atom/
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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys...

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nqah7/an_organization_is_like_a_tree_full_of_monkeys/
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Our drummer got in trouble today

We told him that there would be repercussions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nq893/our_drummer_got_in_trouble_today/
%
What is the best part of a Jonestown joke?

The punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nq7k1/what_is_the_best_part_of_a_jonestown_joke/
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Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?

Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
Edit2: Wow!!! Thanks for making this my most successful post. Guess you could say it had a good footing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nq6kc/why_do_redditors_get_excited_when_a_tornado_rips/
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What has two wings and a halo?

A Japanese phone,
Wing wing, "Halo?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nq5s8/what_has_two_wings_and_a_halo/
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nq3p3/what_did_the_banana_say_to_the_vibrator/
%
How does Super Mario contact the dead?

He uses a Luigi board.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nq36v/how_does_super_mario_contact_the_dead/
%
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nq03j/why_was_the_guitar_teacher_arrested/
%
Two pilots and one stewardess survive a plane crash ...

... and drift for days in the ocean until they reach a small isolated island, in the middle of nowhere.
After some days, they get the idea that no one is coming to rescue them. It's a sad moment but life goes on, and the survivors sets up a camp, eat fish, drink coconut milk, and fall asleep under the beautiful sky. Some weeks pass.
One day, the stewardess says:
- "Okay guys, we know we're here for a long time, possibly for ever. I know you have needs, and I have needs too. We are good friends, we know each other well ... I think we can do something : I could have sex everyday, one day with one of you, and the other one on the next day, etc. And if anything goes wrong, if one of us wants to stop for any reason, we just stop without asking any question. What do you think ?"
The two pilots look at each other shyly and finally approve. It's the beginning of a new life. They make love every other day, everyone is satisfied, and they all live happy together.
Sadly, one day, the stewardess get sick. And after a few weeks of painful fever and headaches, she dies. The two pilots are very affected. But they decide to be strong, and try to keep living as they can. One day, one of them tells the other:
- "You know ... we know each other for a long time, and after all we've been through, I think we could try ... you know..."
The other pilot answers :
- "Man, I was thinking the same thing. Let's try, and if one of us wants to stop, no questions, we just stop."
And then, they have a sex again, and everything is fine again. Until one day, one of them tell the other
- "Hey ... I'm sorry but, you know, I feel bad about it, it's not as good as it was, it doesn't feel the same. We said that we could stop at any time, so, yeah, I think I want to stop".
- "Oh boy, I totally agree, it's not the same, we can stop, no problem."
- "So ... should we bury her ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3npxuy/two_pilots_and_one_stewardess_survive_a_plane/
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What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3npwha/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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What's the worst thing about being an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nppdh/whats_the_worst_thing_about_being_an_atheist/
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Black and Blue

A new widow, upon learning that her late husband had been dressed in a black suit for burial, told the funeral director she wanted a blue suit instead; it was his favorite color and she would pay extra for the change.
On the day of the funeral, there was her husband in his coffin with a form-fitting blue suit.
Afterwards, she asked the undertaker about the extra charge. He replied, “No charge. Glad to do it for you! You see, the same day you asked me about that, another man’s body arrived, wearing a beautiful blue suit. I asked his widow, and she wasn’t particular about the suit.
So I switched the heads.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nphcp/black_and_blue/
%
Why does Peter Pan Fly?

Because he Neverlands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3npgm5/why_does_peter_pan_fly/
%
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?

If it was invented anywhere else it would've been called the teethbrush

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3npe15/how_do_you_know_the_toothbrush_was_invented_in/
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Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two.

Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3np98z/homosexuality_is_found_in_over_450_species/
%
What kind of shoes do paedophiles wear?

White vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3np6ki/what_kind_of_shoes_do_paedophiles_wear/
%
Someone stole my...................

Someone stole my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3np1sa/someone_stole_my/
%
Why is it forbidden for ants to go in a church?

They are in-sects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nozua/why_is_it_forbidden_for_ants_to_go_in_a_church/
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Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?
In what year did you abandon your dreams?
What is the maiden name of your father’s mistress?
At what age did your childhood pet run away?
What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?
In what city did you first experience ennui?
What is your ex-wife’s newest last name?
What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others?
What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?
What was the middle name of your first rebound?
On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?
When did you stop trying?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3noy2r/password_security_questions_for_the_depressed/
%
An old rabbi feels his time on earth is coming to an end...

He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"
So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the menu and sees what he's looking for - a whole suckling pig. He sits down and places the order. Soon the pig arrives, skin crisp and glistening, with a big red apple in its mouth.
The rabbi is just about to tuck in when a member of his synagogue walks in and spots him. "Rabbi!" he exclaims, aghast, "What on Earth are you *doing*?!".
The rabbi looks at his plate, looks at the guy, and says "This restaurant! I order a baked apple, look how they serve it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nox4n/an_old_rabbi_feels_his_time_on_earth_is_coming_to/
%
Estelle and Murray's 47th wedding anniversary was coming up,

and Estelle wanted to make it extra special for Murray.
"Murray", she said, "You never do anything fun for yourself."
"What do you mean, Estelle? I go bowling all the time."
"That's still so boring though. I want to spice things up for you. You deserve it. We've been together almost 50 years, and I want you to have some real fun. I'm taking you to a strip club!"
"Estelle", he says, "I really don't want to go. What would i do there? It just doesn't interest me."
But Estelle puts up a fight, and ultimately Murray has no choice but to go with her.
They come up to the front door, and the bouncer says "Hey Murray! How you doing tonight?"
"Murray", whispered Estelle, "how does the bouncer know your name?"
"Oh, that's Bill. He's in my bowling league. I guess this is where he works."
Estelle nods, a little confused, but ok.
They go inside and go up to the bartender... a very attractive brunette girl.
"Hey Murray! Can I make you your usual? Gin and Tonic?"
"Murray", says Estelle, now a little more urgently, "how does the bartender know you??"
"Oh, that's just Renee.. she bartends at the bowling alley - i guess she moonlights here too."
"Ok", says Estelle.. getting a bit more rattled.
They find a seat, and a stripper comes right up to Murray and starts grinding him.
"Hey Muuuuurray... you want your usual dance tonight baby?"
At this, Estelle has had enough, and storms out the front door, with Murray chasing after her.
She hails one of the taxis parked out front, and he jumps in after her.
Murray can't get a word in edgewise. After giving the driver directions, Estelle lays into him. Cursing at him. Yelling at him. Calling him every name in the book.
This goes on for about 5 solid minutes, until Estelle, exhausted from the explosion, stops altogether.
There's finally a moment of silence in the cab.
"Hey Murray," says the cab driver, "this girl you got tonight is a real bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nox1i/estelle_and_murrays_47th_wedding_anniversary_was/
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A guy went to the doctor for his annual physical...

Doctor says to him "you need to stop masturbating."
Man says, "but why doc!?"
Doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you an examination."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3novwt/a_guy_went_to_the_doctor_for_his_annual_physical/
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Duke!

A young man goes to pick up his date. When he gets to the door she's not ready and her father invites him in. He takes a seat on a big chair in the living room and begins to talk to her father. Within a few minutes, he realizes that he has to let go a really big fart. The pressure continues to build.
Then the family dog comes over and curls up directly under his chair. The young man has an idea, "I'll fart and let the dog take the blame."
As he's talking to his girlfriend's father, he lets a big fart rip. The father exclaims, "Duke!"
The young man Is psyched that his ploy worked. He continues to talk. Another fart builds up, and again he lets one loose.
"Duke!" The father says again.
Again the young man is psyched that his plan is working. Within a few more minutes he lets another fart go. Again, the father says, "Duke!"
At this point the young man realizes that his plan is foolproof. He lets another fart go. "Duke!" Another one blasts. "Duke!"
Finally he lets rip a really wet sounding fart. The girl's father says loudly, "Duke! What are you going to do? Wait till he shits on you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3noucr/duke/
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Yo mama so fat....

pickup lines don't work on her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nordm/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
Did you know that all of the Hobbit films were recorded in L.A.

Yeah, you could tell by the Smaug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3noh0o/did_you_know_that_all_of_the_hobbit_films_were/
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What do Mexican and Black people have in common?

Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nof8w/what_do_mexican_and_black_people_have_in_common/
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How can you tell that microchips are made in the US and not the UK?

Because if they were made in the UK they would be called microcrisps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3noebn/how_can_you_tell_that_microchips_are_made_in_the/
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Did you hear about the black guy who was shot 15 times?

The police said it was the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3noe2g/did_you_hear_about_the_black_guy_who_was_shot_15/
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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to hold the penis. I mean ladder, one to hold the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3no7yk/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Gave a random guy in a suit a ride to his job

He has a chest with him so my friend asked him what he had in his box and he told me friend  "it's none of your fucken business" then I asked him the same question and he said "just like I told your fucken friend that it's none of your fucken business. I pulled over and kicked his ass out of my car and got back on the road. Then I  looked in the back and saw that he forgot his chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3no6w7/gave_a_random_guy_in_a_suit_a_ride_to_his_job/
%
People love animals. There's movies where people get blown up and shot. But you kill one puppy...

They ask you to leave the theatre!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3no6vv/people_love_animals_theres_movies_where_people/
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A man is in town for the weekend...

He's driving through the city looking for a place to park. Unable to find one he looks up and says, "God, if you find me a parking spot, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life." Just after he finishes saying this, a spot appears. The man turns to God and says, "Nevermind, I found one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3no64w/a_man_is_in_town_for_the_weekend/
%
For Christmas, every year, I get my wife a pair of shoes and a vibrator.

That way, if she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3no3lz/for_christmas_every_year_i_get_my_wife_a_pair_of/
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What starts with C, ends with T, has U and N in the middle, is really hairy, and has lots of tasty liquid inside? ;)

A coconut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3no27f/what_starts_with_c_ends_with_t_has_u_and_n_in_the/
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What is the volume of pizza?

Pizza of course! If z = radius of the pizza and a = the height then Π * radius^2 * height = Pi * z * z * a = Pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3no249/what_is_the_volume_of_pizza/
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What's worse than finding a hole in your condom?

Finding a condom in your hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3no1dl/whats_worse_than_finding_a_hole_in_your_condom/
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What is Al Qaeda's favorite football team?

The New York Jets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3no0rw/what_is_al_qaedas_favorite_football_team/
%
She can argue for 4 hours straight...

but ten minutes into a blowjob and her jaw hurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nnwee/she_can_argue_for_4_hours_straight/
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An oldie but a goodie...

An old man is sitting on a dock, crying his eyes out.  A younger man walks to him and asks "what's the matter?"
The old man says "I built this dock with my own two hands, but do they call me John the Carpenter...no.  I shot the biggest buck ever seen in these parts with my bow, but do they call me John the Archer or John the Hunter...no.  But you fuck one sheep..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nnv2k/an_oldie_but_a_goodie/
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A Man was driving along the road when

A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.
Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.
"I had to serve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.
"Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."
"What for?!" retorted the man.
"Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nnujj/a_man_was_driving_along_the_road_when/
%
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest...

After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nnnfm/a_man_and_a_woman_started_to_have_sex_in_the/
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Why didn't the two slices of bread talk?

Because there was beef between them!
> I was arguing with my girlfriend about what constitutes a sandwich. One thing lead to another and this corny joke was born. It's probably been said before. Enjoy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nnn88/why_didnt_the_two_slices_of_bread_talk/
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What do you call a midget mexican?

A paragraph since he isn't a full essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nnm35/what_do_you_call_a_midget_mexican/
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Why are men better cooks than women?

Because with a sausage, a couple of eggs, and some cream, a man can keep a woman full for 9 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nnlwe/why_are_men_better_cooks_than_women/
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A lawyer's car breaks down.

A lawyer's car breaks down in the middle of the country. Having no cell reception, he walks back up the road half a mile to a farm house he passed.
"Hi, sorry to trouble you but can I use your phone? My car broke down, and I need to call triple-A" the lawyer asks.
"Don't got no phone, but there's a garage about 20 miles out. You can stay here the night and I can give you a lift in the morning. Anyway, you wouldn't want to leave just yet, there's a party after all!" the farmer replied.
"A party?" The lawyer asked bemused.
"Yes sir, but I warn you, there's going to be some drinking. There's going to be some music. Might be a little dancing. Might be some fighting, there might be a little fucking!"
"Am I going to be overdressed in this suit? I left my suitcase in the car." The lawyer asked.
"Nah, I wouldn't worry about it, just going to be you and me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nnll4/a_lawyers_car_breaks_down/
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What's a Mexican's favorite sport?

Cross-country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nnjpj/whats_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/
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What kind of shoes does Voldemort wear?

Horcrocs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nnhto/what_kind_of_shoes_does_voldemort_wear/
%
bacon and eggs walk into a bar

bartender says: "I'm sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nnfzn/bacon_and_eggs_walk_into_a_bar/
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A blonde woman finds a dead body...

Immediately, she calls the police.
She says, "Hello, I have found a dead body"
The 911 operator replies, "Ok. Thank you for letting us know. Can you tell me the street on which you found it?"
She looks around and says, "Eucalyptus Street"
The operator asks, "Can you spell it for me?"
The blonde women thinks, and tells the operator, "Don't worry, I'll just move it to Smith Street"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nnen6/a_blonde_woman_finds_a_dead_body/
%
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads..

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks. "Yes" she purrs, "I am." "Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nnbc2/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign_that_reads/
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I was asked earlier today on my view on lesbian relationships.

Apparently in "HD" was the wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nn9vn/i_was_asked_earlier_today_on_my_view_on_lesbian/
%
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night.

I wanted it to be special

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nn6vn/i_lost_my_virginity_to_a_retarded_girl_last_night/
%
Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn't want to be spotted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nn474/why_does_waldo_wear_stripes/
%
I wondered why the train was getting bigger...

then it hit me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nn2ti/i_wondered_why_the_train_was_getting_bigger/
%
Do you know why I only date black girls?

Because I hate the awkwardness of meeting a girlfriend's dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nn1fh/do_you_know_why_i_only_date_black_girls/
%
How do you make an archeologist mad?

Give them a bloody tampon and ask what period it's from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nmykq/how_do_you_make_an_archeologist_mad/
%
There's two midgets. They've been best friends since they were little...

They decide to play the lottery together and hit big. They come up with a plan to get two hotel rooms side by side and a hooker for each of them. First one goes in with his hooker and just stares at her, no idea what to do. Next door all night he hears grunting and grunting for hours. Talking the next morning the first one says "I had no idea what to do with her, never had a girl". The second one says "man, I couldn't even get on the fucking bed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nmy7q/theres_two_midgets_theyve_been_best_friends_since/
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Ladies room

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nmuq3/ladies_room/
%
A man walked into an archery range

He noticed a guy standing alone at the end of the row. This person would draw an arrow from his quiver, stab it into his leg, then ready and loose at the target.
Confused as hell, he asked, "Why are you jabbing yourself in the leg with your arrows before you use them?!"
The man smiled, and replied, "Don't nock it 'til you've tried it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nmu2q/a_man_walked_into_an_archery_range/
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Why do Feminists Like to have Sex with the Lights Off?

They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nmtq7/why_do_feminists_like_to_have_sex_with_the_lights/
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A man walking along a California beach was in deep prayer

when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish." The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to." The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking ;the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific;the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish,one that will honor and glorify me". After thinking long and hard,he finally said,"Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they're thinking, why they cry,what they mean when they say' nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes the Lord said, "How many lanes you want on that bridge? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nms8p/a_man_walking_along_a_california_beach_was_in/
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A group of bikers see a girl about to jump off a bridge...

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nms02/a_group_of_bikers_see_a_girl_about_to_jump_off_a/
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Poor Tommy

The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is little Tommy.
"Tommy, why do you look so sad?" asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: "my dads a stripper in a gay bar".
The other children remained silent as Tommy continued:
"Sometimes, he doesn't come home, and my mummy sits crying, sometimes he sells his body for other mens pleasure."
There were gasps around the classroom, the teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go outside and play.
She then walked up to Tommy, put her arm around him, and asked "is that all true Tommy?
"No not at all miss. He really plays rugby for England, but i was too embarrassed to say"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nmqd4/poor_tommy/
%
A man and wife are having a stroll in the zoo

A husband and wife having a stroll in the zoo. Gorilla starts to get a hard on as he sees the wife. Husband says,"Lift your skirt and tease him." Ape goes mental. " Now get your tits out !" Ape goes berserk ! Husband opens the cage and throws his wife in. "Now try telling him you've got a fucken headache!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nmptg/a_man_and_wife_are_having_a_stroll_in_the_zoo/
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident

; it's a bad one.  Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely." "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this fine bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.  The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.  The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nmpl0/a_woman_and_a_man_are_involved_in_a_car_accident/
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An American tourist visits China...

While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.”
The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!”
The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!”
“Oh, Thank God!,” the man replies.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “you no worry! Wait two weeks... it fall off by itself!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nmkiv/an_american_tourist_visits_china/
%
What happens when Mario parks his car outside the wrong castle?

He gets Toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nmjmp/what_happens_when_mario_parks_his_car_outside_the/
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I don't see why everyone likes circles so much

They're so pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nmht7/i_dont_see_why_everyone_likes_circles_so_much/
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What has four legs and a cunt halfway up its back?

A police horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nmawo/what_has_four_legs_and_a_cunt_halfway_up_its_back/
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Did you hear about the Mexican that was shot on the golf course?

There was a hole in Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nmapa/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_that_was_shot_on/
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Sure, white people cant say they "N" word

but atleast we can say phrases like " thanks for the warning, officer" and "hey dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nm8ig/sure_white_people_cant_say_they_n_word/
%
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nm8h3/my_daughter_has_reached_that_age_where_she_is/
%
What's the fastest thing on land?

Stevie Wonder's speedboat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nm52k/whats_the_fastest_thing_on_land/
%
A boy's father is ill..

A boy's father is very ill. The boy goes to a Christian Scientist Reading Room and asks the minister to pray for his father.
The minister told the boy, "Your father only thinks he is sick because of his lack of faith. Tell him to pray for faith."
A week later the minister sees the boy and asks, "Does your father still think he's sick?"
"No," the boy replied. "Now he thinks he's dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nm39x/a_boys_father_is_ill/
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A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job

after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nm375/a_senior_policeman_in_china_has_been_suspended/
%
A lot of people make a big deal about age differences in couples. As far as I'm concerned a girl is fair game as soon as she's finished school.

So usually at about 3:15

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nlzor/a_lot_of_people_make_a_big_deal_about_age/
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Some guy scared me after class and I dropped all my notes

He scared me sheet-less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nlxex/some_guy_scared_me_after_class_and_i_dropped_all/
%
Why don't melons ever run away and get married?

Because they cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nlvuy/why_dont_melons_ever_run_away_and_get_married/
%
What has nine arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nlvom/what_has_nine_arms_and_sucks/
%
The doctors rushed quickly to remove the bullet which was lodged in his artery...

But it turns out it was all in vain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nlt3f/the_doctors_rushed_quickly_to_remove_the_bullet/
%
I don't do cocaine

I just like to smell it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nlqhp/i_dont_do_cocaine/
%
Why is it hard to play Uno with Mexicans?

They steal all the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nlpu1/why_is_it_hard_to_play_uno_with_mexicans/
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In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.

After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study.
After $250,000.00, and three years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Romania, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nlmti/in_1993_the_american_government_funded_a_study_to/
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How do fish lose weight?

They Swim-fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nljan/how_do_fish_lose_weight/
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What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nlh58/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_with_pms_and/
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He sees you when you're sleeping,he knows when you're awake

A date with Bill Cosby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nl89i/he_sees_you_when_youre_sleepinghe_knows_when/
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What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets?

Wookieeleaks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nl5gb/what_do_you_call_the_website_chewbacca_started/
%
A man received a message from his neighbour...

"Sorry sir, I am using your wife, day and night, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do...
I confess this now because I am feeling very much guilty.
I hope you will accept my sincere apologies."
The man shot the wife...
A few minutes later he received another message:
"Fucking autocorrect: wifi, not wife"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nl59p/a_man_received_a_message_from_his_neighbour/
%
Why is it more expensive to use air pumps nowadays?

Inflation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nl3ot/why_is_it_more_expensive_to_use_air_pumps_nowadays/
%
I used to be a man inside a woman's body...

but then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nl2p0/i_used_to_be_a_man_inside_a_womans_body/
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel?

Sparky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nl15v/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_hind_legs_and/
%
[Oldie but an goldie] A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet...

While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.
"Excuse me," the husband says, "Could you tell us the time?"
"Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and grabs the donkey's balls. "It is 3:00", the man exclaims.
"Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time.
Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says "It is now 4:45."
By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you can tell the time simply by grabbing this donkey's balls!"
"Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer.
"Sit here where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?"
"Of course", the man replies.
"Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience.
"Now, slowly lift the donkey's balls", he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed. "Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs." The husband does just that.
"Now" the man says, "Can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nkzps/oldie_but_an_goldie_a_man_and_his_wife_are_on/
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I just bought an antique clock with missing hands.

I think it’s a timeless treasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nkugz/i_just_bought_an_antique_clock_with_missing_hands/
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Inmates Running the Asylum

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nku90/inmates_running_the_asylum/
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A student finishes his assignment late and runs to class to turn it in.

When he gets there, he sees the teacher grading papers one by one from a huge pile on her desk.
"I'm here to turn this in," he says.
"I'm sorry," said the teacher. "I won't accept this. This paper was due yesterday. If you had submitted it on time like everyone else, there wouldn't be a problem."
The student starts fuming. "Do you know who the fuck I am?" he asks. "Do you know who the fuck you're talking to?"
"No." says the teacher. "I don't care in the slightest who you are."
"Good." says the student. He slides his paper in the middle of the pile and leaves the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nktg8/a_student_finishes_his_assignment_late_and_runs/
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What do you say when you see two cleaning ladies making out in public?

Get a broom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nksji/what_do_you_say_when_you_see_two_cleaning_ladies/
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Two factory workers talking: Woman

Physics Teacher: “Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?”
Student: “Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.”
Two factory workers talking:
Woman: “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
Man: “And how would you do that?”
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: “What are you doing?”
Woman: “I’m a light bulb.”
Boss: “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says: “Where are you going?”
The man says: “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nkrvu/two_factory_workers_talking_woman/
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Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van.

One turns to the other says:
"I think we got off on the wrong foot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nknk3/two_foot_fetishists_are_sitting_in_the_back_of_a/
%
Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?

He doesn't want to get nailed to the Boards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nkm5x/why_doesnt_jesus_play_hockey/
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If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day but...

if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nkj3q/if_you_give_a_man_a_fish_he_will_eat_for_a_day_but/
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Teacher : Do you know the reason Manchester United lost to Arsenal ?

Student : Manchester United lost because their defenders were Young, Small and Blind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nkisu/teacher_do_you_know_the_reason_manchester_united/
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What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nkhnp/what_do_a_penis_and_a_rubiks_cubes_have_in_common/
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[BDSM] I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client

Oops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nkhg1/bdsm_i_accidentally_flogged_another_dominatrixs/
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A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac and a thrillseeker are sitting in a dark jail cell...

The zoophile says:" I wish we had a cat in here, I would fuck it!"
The sadist:"Yeah and I would kill it!" The necrophiliac:" Then I would fuck it again!"
The thrillseeker:"MEOW!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nkdg0/a_zoophile_a_sadist_a_necrophiliac_and_a/
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What blod type am I?

Type-O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nkbg8/what_blod_type_am_i/
%
What did I do to escape Iraq

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nk7q0/what_did_i_do_to_escape_iraq/
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What do politicians and diapers have in common?

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nk78o/what_do_politicians_and_diapers_have_in_common/
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Why was Ed single?

Because Sheeran away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nk625/why_was_ed_single/
%
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nk0zu/what_is_the_difference_between_erotic_and_kinky/
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Three blonds walk into a building..

you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nk07a/three_blonds_walk_into_a_building/
%
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njzni/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
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What is black and smells like blue paint?

Black paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njygj/what_is_black_and_smells_like_blue_paint/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

12.
* One to ~~screw~~ change it in
* One to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination
* One to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination
* One to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like"
* One to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic
* One to blame men for not changing the bulb
* One to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it
* One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs
* One to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs
* One to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians
* One to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men
* One to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njvxf/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
There's a spoiler in the description.

There's a spoiler in the title.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njvdy/theres_a_spoiler_in_the_description/
%
I couldn't remember what time the sun was set to rise this morning.

But then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njt7u/i_couldnt_remember_what_time_the_sun_was_set_to/
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A psychic midget just escaped from prison

The news report said there was a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njrj2/a_psychic_midget_just_escaped_from_prison/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

You don't call him anything, we both know that he's not coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njodc/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
I am NOT Happy!

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njn1s/i_am_not_happy/
%
How many prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously more than four, they've been in my basement for days, and it's still dark down there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njm0y/how_many_prostitutes_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What did the Alabama sherriff call the black man who had been shot 15 times?

The worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njkxk/what_did_the_alabama_sherriff_call_the_black_man/
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THREE ROSES

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them. The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too." "What about the third rose?" asks the patient. "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njjth/three_roses/
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Never trust a person with 2 anuses

Because they're biassed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njg0q/never_trust_a_person_with_2_anuses/
%
Here's a joke about cancer...

about 1/3 of you guys will get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njdqu/heres_a_joke_about_cancer/
%
Today I walked up to some girls and asked if they liked guys with big dicks

They replied yeah.
I replied, "I'm sorry for wasting your time..." turned around and walked away awkwardly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njdly/today_i_walked_up_to_some_girls_and_asked_if_they/
%
two blonds and a river

a blonde is walking along a river, having a good time. then she sees another blonde on the other side. she yells "HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!!" the other blonde yells back "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njcc0/two_blonds_and_a_river/
%
A red and blue ship collided in the Mediterranean today.

The survivors are marooned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njc0y/a_red_and_blue_ship_collided_in_the_mediterranean/
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I showed my 12 year old son an old floppy disk..

He said "Wow.. Cool! You 3D printed the save icon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3njaut/i_showed_my_12_year_old_son_an_old_floppy_disk/
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What do you call a Grizzly bear with no teeth?

A Gummy Bear!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nj7q0/what_do_you_call_a_grizzly_bear_with_no_teeth/
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Why did they arrest Jared Fogle at 3:15?

That's when the big hand touches the little hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nj7pl/why_did_they_arrest_jared_fogle_at_315/
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How's a divorce like a hurricane...

There's a bunch of sucking and blowing, but in the end she takes your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nj5y5/hows_a_divorce_like_a_hurricane/
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She told me to give her 9 inches, and make it hurt.

So i fucked her 3 times, and punched her in the nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nj455/she_told_me_to_give_her_9_inches_and_make_it_hurt/
%
Why is it a bad idea for China to become a democracy?

Do you know how hard it would be to orchestrate a national erection

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nj228/why_is_it_a_bad_idea_for_china_to_become_a/
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Try to think of a world without hypotheticals.

You can't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nj1ct/try_to_think_of_a_world_without_hypotheticals/
%
What is the definition of masurbation?

Coming unscrewed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3niyzd/what_is_the_definition_of_masurbation/
%
How does a psychic cokehead tell the future?

With a magic 8-ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3niuaw/how_does_a_psychic_cokehead_tell_the_future/
%
Women on their period always ovary act.

*insert pun here*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3niu2s/women_on_their_period_always_ovary_act/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb and the other to beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nisgl/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Why are redneck murder victims so hard to identify?

Everybody's DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nirrn/why_are_redneck_murder_victims_so_hard_to_identify/
%
After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.

His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget."
They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it again?" This time it's even more passionate.
Later, as she is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, I know it's getting late, but I think we can do it one more time."
"That's easy for you to say," she complains. "You don't have to get up in the morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3niqf4/after_his_annual_checkup_bob_learns_that_he_has_a/
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A girl invites her boyfriend for a dinner with her parents...

so her boyfriend goes to a pharmacy and ask for condoms,
the pharmacist ask the bf "which box you want?",
the bf answers "the biggest..., today im going to meet my gf parents for the first time, we will have dinner, and after that i will invite her to my place and fuck all night".
After few hours...
bf at the parents house, he starts the prayment before the dinner... 5 minutes passed... 10 minutes... he still praying and praying...
the gf whispers to him... "i didnt know you are so religious...!!!"
the bf answers... "i didnt know your father is a pharmacist...!!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nin4x/a_girl_invites_her_boyfriend_for_a_dinner_with/
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To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can't run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nimwj/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/
%
My black friend asked me where to find the color copier

I said it's 2015 and he can use whatever copier he wants to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nigmx/my_black_friend_asked_me_where_to_find_the_color/
%
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nidrd/what_did_the_hurricane_say_to_the_coconut_palm/
%
What do you call the bad part of Italy?

The spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nicta/what_do_you_call_the_bad_part_of_italy/
%
A redneck goes to a hardware store to buy a chainsaw.

"You should buy this one," the cashier says. "It can fell 1,000 trees in just one day."
The redneck buys the chainsaw and leaves.
The next day he returns with an angry look on his face. "You sold me a piece of junk! I've been using this damn thing all day and I only cut down one tree!"
The cashier believes he's cheated the man and gives him a brand new saw free of charge. The redneck takes it and leaves.
He comes back the next day even angrier than before. "This one's just as bad as the one you sold me earlier!"
The cashier can't believe that two of his best chainsaws would fail like that, so he decides to go home with the redneck and test the saws in the woods.
The cashier takes one chainsaw and turns it on.
The startled redneck turns to him and says, "What the hell was that noise?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ni73d/a_redneck_goes_to_a_hardware_store_to_buy_a/
%
What was Princess Diana's favorite thing about the Xbox 360?

The dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ni5gd/what_was_princess_dianas_favorite_thing_about_the/
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What do you call a cannibal who only eats comatose people?

A vegetarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ni3qr/what_do_you_call_a_cannibal_who_only_eats/
%
September was the first calendar month no NFL players were arrested in six years.

Kudos to their wives for being so well behaved last month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ni361/september_was_the_first_calendar_month_no_nfl/
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I like to take my girlfriend to restaurants so she can complain

I call it "whining and dining"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ni0jc/i_like_to_take_my_girlfriend_to_restaurants_so/
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How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glove box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhzlv/how_did_they_know_princess_diana_had_dandruff/
%
Why was the Rastafarian poor?

Because he was jah bless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhz0h/why_was_the_rastafarian_poor/
%
What's the difference between a tea bag and England?

A tea bag stays longer in a cup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhwzw/whats_the_difference_between_a_tea_bag_and_england/
%
I don't know why people get so upset about the death penalty

It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhwck/i_dont_know_why_people_get_so_upset_about_the/
%
What's the cheapest type of meat?

Deer Balls. They're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhvcb/whats_the_cheapest_type_of_meat/
%
Today there was an explosion in my kitchen...

I combined pasta with antipasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhsz0/today_there_was_an_explosion_in_my_kitchen/
%
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

I actually care when my computer crashes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhsbt/whats_the_difference_between_paul_walker_and_my/
%
First day on the new job, Boss says "We're going to give a drug test"

and I said "Great, I know all about drugs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nho6u/first_day_on_the_new_job_boss_says_were_going_to/
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To the girl I had sex with...

My name is not 'help'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhn0v/to_the_girl_i_had_sex_with/
%
What's the oldest red wine in America?

"Give us back our land!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhmcf/whats_the_oldest_red_wine_in_america/
%
A man walks into a bar.

It knocks him out cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhkpr/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Blonde woman goes to the doctor...

She tells the doctor that her husband has terrible dandruff and they've tried everything and it just keeps getting worse. Doctor tells the blonde to go home, give him head and shoulders, and come back in two weeks. Two weeks pass and the woman goes back to the doctor, "I'm stumped, he still has dandruff and I don't know how to give him shoulders!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhjox/blonde_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhj5v/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_and/
%
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhil0/a_ham_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
%
She threw her vibrator on the subway tracks...

It didn't work; the train didn't come any faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhgv7/she_threw_her_vibrator_on_the_subway_tracks/
%
What does fast and furious 5 and the walking dead have in common?

They both have dead walkers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhg0w/what_does_fast_and_furious_5_and_the_walking_dead/
%
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nhfe3/a_bus_full_of_nuns_falls_of_a_cliff_and_they_all/
%
What do you call a bear in the rain?

A drizzly bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nh2jg/what_do_you_call_a_bear_in_the_rain/
%
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel around his penis...

The bartender asks him "why in god's name do you have a steering wheel around your penis?"
The pirate looks up at the man and shouts -
"ARGGG!!! IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ngz2r/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
%
A parachutist died

I didn't know him but his friend said he was a real ' down to earth' guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ngyws/a_parachutist_died/
%
"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ngl4b/jesus_loves_you/
%
A nun is taking a bath and hears a knock at the door.

She rushes to the door and asks
"Who is it?"
The man outside replies,
"It's the blind man"
The nun opens the door and asks
"How can I help you?"
The blind man replies "Nice tits, where can I hang the blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ngjsp/a_nun_is_taking_a_bath_and_hears_a_knock_at_the/
%
I slept with 4 girls last night...

And the floor of the hotel room killed my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ngi95/i_slept_with_4_girls_last_night/
%
A man walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of whiskey...

The barman is taken aback but lines them up anyway. Without hesitating the man knocks them back one after the other.
Impressed, the barman says "hey, what's the occasion?".
"First blowjob." replies the man.
"well congratulations!" says the barman, "let me get you one more on the house!"
"No thanks. If twelve shots haven't taken the taste away, one more won't make a difference."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nggtk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_12_shots_of/
%
It's the 1920s. A German tourist while walking around in New York city's Chinatown, notices a restaurant named "Hans Baumhauer's authentic chop suey"...

He gets curious, and wants to find out more about this German man who has set up a restaurant in the heart of china town.
He asks a very old Chinese man squatting in front of the restaurant, "Do you know this Hans Baumhauer who owns this restaurant?"
"Yes", says the old man, "I am Hans Baumhauer."
"Really?!" Says the German with surprise, "How did you get such a strange name for a Chinese person?"
"50 years ago", begins the old man, with the air of a person who has oft told this tale, "I was standing in the immigration line at Ellis Island having just gotten off the boat from Hong Kong. The immigration officer was coming down the line asking us our names and handing us our paperwork. He reached the guy in front of me in the line and asked him his name. 'Hans Baumhauer' the guy said. The officer handed him his papers. Then he turned to me and asked my name. 'Sem Ting' I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nggqr/its_the_1920s_a_german_tourist_while_walking/
%
Even though the country is called Iceland, its winters are actually quite mild.

Guess they should have called it Chile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ngbam/even_though_the_country_is_called_iceland_its/
%
What do you get when you put human DNA in a monkey?

A lifetime ban from the Zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ngapj/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_human_dna_in_a_monkey/
%
What do you call a abortion in Czechoslovakia?

A cancelled check.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ng8gu/what_do_you_call_a_abortion_in_czechoslovakia/
%
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They rearranged the furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ng7id/how_did_helen_kellers_parents_punish_her/
%
Crueless joke

Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ng5vy/crueless_joke/
%
So a guy walks into a bar and notices a dog in the corner licking its balls...

He sits down, orders a drink, and says to the bartender, "Man, I wish I could do that." The bartender replies "Eh I don't know, I'd try petting him first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ng56s/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_notices_a_dog_in/
%
I've said it before and I'll say it again

I've said it before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ng4pf/ive_said_it_before_and_ill_say_it_again/
%
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ng396/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_road/
%
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ng2lh/what_do_you_get_when_you_throw_a_piano_down_a/
%
What shouldn't you do at a funeral?

The corpse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ng1cd/what_shouldnt_you_do_at_a_funeral/
%
A blind man walks into a store

with his guide dog. Suddenly, he picks the dog up by the harness and starts swinging it over his head. A surprised clerk comes up and stammers "C-c-can I help you sir?" The blind man replies...
"No, thanks. I'm just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nfzvv/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_store/
%
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nftve/some_scientists_decided_to_do_the_following/
%
Painting the living room.

While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room.
After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing.
She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the living room."
He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked, "Why are you wearing two coats?
She replied, "I read the directions on the paint can, and they said, ''For best results, put on two coats!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nftid/painting_the_living_room/
%
Can a woman make a man a millionaire?

Only if he's a billionaire.
Credits to Kevin Hart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nfskv/can_a_woman_make_a_man_a_millionaire/
%
Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nfqll/why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
%
Why was the guitarist arrested?

He was fingering A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nfn0r/why_was_the_guitarist_arrested/
%
Had sex for an hour and 30 seconds today

Thankyou daylight savings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nfjtn/had_sex_for_an_hour_and_30_seconds_today/
%
I printed out this website's logo and then I realised I didn't need it. Should I throw out the piece of paper or should I...

Shreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nfj44/i_printed_out_this_websites_logo_and_then_i/
%
Why does the Empire use Apple?

Because they couldn't find the droid they were looking for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nfgmu/why_does_the_empire_use_apple/
%
What was Rihanna's nickname for Chris brown?

Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nff86/what_was_rihannas_nickname_for_chris_brown/
%
A elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest

“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nfbzd/a_elderly_man_goes_into_confession_and_says_to/
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What do you call a Private Investigator who is bad at his job?

A Defective!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nfb2q/what_do_you_call_a_private_investigator_who_is/
%
A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married..

Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he he had a penis like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?"
The girl said: "You told me you had a penis like a baby!"
The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nfame/a_young_couple_are_on_their_way_to_vegas_to_get/
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Little johnny

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little Johnny replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little Johnny answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nf9xe/little_johnny/
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A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods late at night. A pack of wolves bay in the distance.

The little boy says "I'm scared". The clown says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nf9la/a_clown_and_a_little_boy_are_walking_through_the/
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Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches.

This just shows how big the Asian population is getting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nf64i/scientists_say_the_average_size_of_the_male_penis/
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Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

A: Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nf52h/q_what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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Two cannibals were eating a clown....

One turns to the other and asks, "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nf4t9/two_cannibals_were_eating_a_clown/
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What do you call a mexican midget?

a paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nf37e/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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I'd like to give a shout out to protons-

for keeping our community positive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nf16e/id_like_to_give_a_shout_out_to_protons/
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A black man was walking on the beach.....

....when he kicked up a magic lamp. He picked up the lamp and began to clean it off. POOF! A genie pops out and says "Thank you so much for releasing me! As repayment to you, I will grant you one wish." The man thought long and hard,  and finally decided what to ask for. "I'd like to be white, and surrounded by pussy." POOF! He turned into a tampon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nez4l/a_black_man_was_walking_on_the_beach/
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What do you call an Arab who flies a plane?

A pilot, you racist motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nevur/what_do_you_call_an_arab_who_flies_a_plane/
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I knew someone who died in a skydiving accident.

Their funeral wreath was in the shape of a parachute.
After all, that's what they would've wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3netyu/i_knew_someone_who_died_in_a_skydiving_accident/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nesoq/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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What do you call two Mexicans on a firetruck?

Hose A and Hose B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nesih/what_do_you_call_two_mexicans_on_a_firetruck/
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A clown held the door open for me today.

It was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nersw/a_clown_held_the_door_open_for_me_today/
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So a man walks into a bar...

and never comes back for my entire childhood.
Where are you dad?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ner4a/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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The German chancellor is traveling to greece

She arrives at immigration and the immigration officer says "nationality?"
The chancelor says "German"
Officer: occupation?
Chancelor: no not this time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nepmn/the_german_chancellor_is_traveling_to_greece/
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I have the heart of a lion...

and a lifelong ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3neow2/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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Q:Whats worst than getting a penis drawn on your face?

A:knowing it was traced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nekeo/qwhats_worst_than_getting_a_penis_drawn_on_your/
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The church was looking for a new bell ringer...

..and they put out an advertisment to find someone. After weeks of waiting, a man with no arms shows to apply. The clergy decided to let him try, given that no one else has shown up. They ascend up to the top of the bell tower and the priest tells the armless man to just have at it. The armless man steps up to bell, and just savagely bangs his head against the side of it until he falls over, dead. The clergy, clearly shocked, run down to the congregation gathered and ask,
"Did any of you know that man?"
And some else shouts, "No, but I think his face rings a bell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nej9k/the_church_was_looking_for_a_new_bell_ringer/
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Lassie runs up to Farmer Fred

*Bark!*
What is it Lassie?
*Bark! Bark bark!*
What's that girl? Timmy fell down a well!
*Bark! Bark bark woof!*
Right! I'll say you were here with me the whole time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nehv3/lassie_runs_up_to_farmer_fred/
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Why don't chickens wear underwear?

Because their peckers are on their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3negzr/why_dont_chickens_wear_underwear/
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What does a girl do to her as asshole before having the most crazy sex of her life?

She leaves him at home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nef81/what_does_a_girl_do_to_her_as_asshole_before/
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Mrs. Chang takes a 500 yuan bill to the bank to change for dollars

The teller makes the calculation and gives her $80.44.
Mrs. Chang returns the next Friday and puts a 500 yuan note on the counter.  The teller puts down $79.94.
Mrs. Chang says "Last week you give me $80.44, but now I get $79.94.  Tell me why it changed!"
The teller showed her the exchange rate sheet and said "FLUCTUATIONS!"
Mrs. Chang got red faced and indignant, shoved her finger in the teller's face and said,
"Oh yeah, well FLUC you white people too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nedpt/mrs_chang_takes_a_500_yuan_bill_to_the_bank_to/
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Jesus take the wheel

Carlos take the stereo, Manuel get the seats and I'll be the Juan on watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3neb58/jesus_take_the_wheel/
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Why are double amputees always wrong?

Because they don't have a leg to stand on.
Note: I'm a right leg amputee and I made this up myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndzp4/why_are_double_amputees_always_wrong/
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Did you see the story about the psychic dwarf escaping prison?

The headline was "Small medium at large".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndyfb/did_you_see_the_story_about_the_psychic_dwarf/
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What's the difference between a teabag and the English rugby team?

A teabag stays in the cup longer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndwu3/whats_the_difference_between_a_teabag_and_the/
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A woman walked in to a pet shop...

... to buy some food for her dog, while in the pet shop she saw a parrot for only £3 where as the others where £30, she asked the shop keeper why it was so cheap and he said "Legally when we sell any animal we need to inform the customer of where it came from and this parrot came from a brothel that got closed down and that puts people off buying it. However this parrot can say hello and learn everyone's name it meets" she thought for a second and then decided to buy it.
When she got home she set up the cage in the living room and just as she finished, her daughter came in, "Harriet, this is our knew parrot, he can talk" said the woman, "HELLO HARRIET" the parrot said. Then her son came in and she said "Josh, this is our new parrot", "HELLO JOSH" the parrot said.
About 5 minutes later her husband comes in and the parrot says "HELLO MIKE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndvmq/a_woman_walked_in_to_a_pet_shop/
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Why do only 2 Mexicans pass the border at once?

Because the sign says no trespassing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndv7p/why_do_only_2_mexicans_pass_the_border_at_once/
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A man with a tiny head walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the man's head is the size of a cue ball. "I've got to ask sir" says the bartender. "What happened?" The man says "my ship was sunk, a mermaid rescued me and promised me three wishes. For my first wish I asked to be returned to America. My second wish was to have a billion dollars. Finally, I asked to have sex with her, but she said mermaids can't have sex, so I asked for a little head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nduxu/a_man_with_a_tiny_head_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's good on pizza but not on pussy?

Crust

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndthk/whats_good_on_pizza_but_not_on_pussy/
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How do astronomers organize a party?

They planet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndss6/how_do_astronomers_organize_a_party/
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What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

Tennish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndr4m/what_time_does_sean_connery_go_to_wimbledon/
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A boss said to his secretary "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast...

I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.  Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."  So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?"  She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndpdg/a_boss_said_to_his_secretary_i_want_to_have_sex/
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Why did 5000 Mexicans show up to fight at the Alamo?

They only had two cars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndnk5/why_did_5000_mexicans_show_up_to_fight_at_the/
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Next time use chrome

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious - Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndn45/next_time_use_chrome/
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Closest shave ever

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndlp3/closest_shave_ever/
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f you think Amazon always delivers what you ordered...

Then you've got another thing coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndiha/f_you_think_amazon_always_delivers_what_you/
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Genie Lamp

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndgyz/genie_lamp/
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What did the Redditor say at his wedding?

TIL death do us part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndd8n/what_did_the_redditor_say_at_his_wedding/
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They made a TV series about 9/11

But it didn't get past the pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ndbc5/they_made_a_tv_series_about_911/
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How do men show that they have long term plans for the future?

They buy 2 packs of beer instead of 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nd905/how_do_men_show_that_they_have_long_term_plans/
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What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nd8qi/what_did_douglas_adams_say_after_he_finished/
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Two horrible knock knock jokes.

Knock knock.
> Who's there?
Door inspector.
> Door inspector who?
Knock knock.
-----
Knock knock.
> Who's there?
Doorbell inspector.
> Doorbell inspector who?
Your doorbell's broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nd8e2/two_horrible_knock_knock_jokes/
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What do you call a mexican who lost his car?

carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nd71r/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
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I'm such a bad golfer, they should send me to Mars.

I'm guaranteed to find water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nd6ad/im_such_a_bad_golfer_they_should_send_me_to_mars/
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What words do women hate the most while having great sex?

Honey, I`m home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nd5cs/what_words_do_women_hate_the_most_while_having/
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Yo momma's so fat

She did a cannonball, and water was found on Mars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nd4di/yo_mommas_so_fat/
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100 years ago, 19 white men chasing down a black man was called the Klu Klux Klan

Now it's called Formula 1
*Ku Kluk Klan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nd4b9/100_years_ago_19_white_men_chasing_down_a_black/
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Singles Ad

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work! Call and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
Man.... what a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nd3u2/singles_ad/
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The farmer and the goose go to the movies.

So this farmer goes to the movies with his favorite goose.  But they wont let the goose in.  So the farmer hides the goose in his pants, buys a ticket and finds his seat.
After about a half an hour the goose is getting restless so the farmer unzips his pants so the goose can get some air.
The goose sticks his head out of the farmers zipper and is thrilled he can watch the movie. But he can't see so he stretches his neck out to see the screen.
After about 10 minutes the old woman sitting next to the farmer says to him "I have to say you are quite talented,   In my experience If you've seen one you've seen them all, but this one is eating my popcorn.  What are you doing after the movie"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nd2js/the_farmer_and_the_goose_go_to_the_movies/
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What does a fresh egg say when you try to hardboil it?

It'll take me about 20 minutes to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nd1mr/what_does_a_fresh_egg_say_when_you_try_to/
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Two guys were working at a sawmill...

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.  His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.  The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," says his friend.  "Medical science is amazing." Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.  Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.  The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend.  "Medical science is amazing!" Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.  Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.  The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him.  He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday." The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ncz3v/two_guys_were_working_at_a_sawmill/
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Whoever tells the biggest lie

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ncuvo/whoever_tells_the_biggest_lie/
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A chicken and an egg are laying in bed...

When the chicken sits up, lights a cigar  and says " Well I guess that answers that question."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ncpme/a_chicken_and_an_egg_are_laying_in_bed/
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Chemistry teacher: What is Nitrate?

Girl: My place, 250...your place 400!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ncn9a/chemistry_teacher_what_is_nitrate/
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A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*

He disappeared without a tres.
**edit Front page??? Thats Punbelieveable!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ncgg8/a_mexican_magician_told_the_audience_hell/
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Meatloaf would do anything for love

Except for eating a proper diet and exercising regularly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ncelo/meatloaf_would_do_anything_for_love/
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Right And Wrong :D :P

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nce2t/right_and_wrong_d_p/
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A class is learning about probability..

Teacher: If I toss a penny, what are the chances that I get a head?
Girl: For a penny? Not very bright.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ncc8z/a_class_is_learning_about_probability/
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A steed was having sex with a fox

The steed was pumping and carassing, neighing and kissing yet 45 minutes in the fox was still laying there, not moving an inch.
Fed up with the lack of respobse the horse sneers and says: i do all the work and all you do is lay there. Do something so I know you're enjoying it too.
The fox answers: Well if you'd pull out a bit maybe i could twitch my neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ncb58/a_steed_was_having_sex_with_a_fox/
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What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?

How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nc271/whats_the_difference_between_a_doctors_without/
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What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nc0fc/what_is_the_difference_between_snowmen_and/
%
I've always stood up for black people.

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nbzco/ive_always_stood_up_for_black_people/
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Whats the difference between a coal mining company and the Catholic Church?

A coal mining company puts miners in shafts not the other way around.......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nby84/whats_the_difference_between_a_coal_mining/
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A teacher asks Little Johnny what he wants to be when he grows up.

"I want to be a detective and follow in my father's footsteps," says Johnny.
"That's very admirable of you," says the teacher. "I didn't even know your father was a detective."
"He's not," says Johnny. "He's a jewel thief."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nbv8h/a_teacher_asks_little_johnny_what_he_wants_to_be/
%
What do you feed a gay horse?

HHHAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nbu19/what_do_you_feed_a_gay_horse/
%
How are women and tornadoes alike?

They are both loud as fuck when they come, they take the house when they leave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nbsn1/how_are_women_and_tornadoes_alike/
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How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"?

"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nbr8h/how_did_the_medical_community_come_up_with_the/
%
Why did the duck get a red card?

For fowl play.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nbob5/why_did_the_duck_get_a_red_card/
%
How does a candy bar laugh?

It snickers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nblds/how_does_a_candy_bar_laugh/
%
My wife keeps on calling me "gullible" and "financially irresponsible".

I just can't wait to see her face when I tell her I won the Nigerian lottery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nbjrm/my_wife_keeps_on_calling_me_gullible_and/
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What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks?

You can’t take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nbhgw/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_two_dicks/
%
Careers Advisor to American student: "What do you want to be when you leave college?"

Student: "Alive".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nbhfk/careers_advisor_to_american_student_what_do_you/
%
What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nbd1r/what_does_a_clock_do_when_its_hungry/
%
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies?

Disney movies can still touch children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nba6f/whats_the_difference_between_michael_jackson_and/
%
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? By running!

J.K. Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nb427/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill_by_running/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nb3i2/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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A construction worker decided to go to a bar for a few drinks

He got hammered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nb1mw/a_construction_worker_decided_to_go_to_a_bar_for/
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Abuse of police powers.

A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing paper bag boots, paper bag pants, a paper bag shirt and a paper hat.
The local sheriff pulls out his gun and says " I'm arresting you."
And the cowboy says "What for?"
The sheriff replies "RUSTLING!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nb18s/abuse_of_police_powers/
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What does a nosey pepper do?

It gets jalapeno business!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nb0wd/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
%
Here is a complete list on how to build a single stair.

Step 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nb0sd/here_is_a_complete_list_on_how_to_build_a_single/
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What do they say about building an erotic statue?

"If you build it they will come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3naye2/what_do_they_say_about_building_an_erotic_statue/
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What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?

Consuelo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3narm2/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_woman_with_no_legs/
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I suffer from tinnitus and my least favorite letter in the alphabet is...

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3naoq9/i_suffer_from_tinnitus_and_my_least_favorite/
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What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3naln8/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_islam_and_capitalism/
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What kind of tea do the crime investigation team drink?

A "casual tea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nallt/what_kind_of_tea_do_the_crime_investigation_team/
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Your mom reminds of bricks

She's constantly getting laid by Mexicans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nahcn/your_mom_reminds_of_bricks/
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My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography...

But it put her to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3naeoo/my_girlfriend_started_reading_bill_cosbys/
%
Wife messaged to her husband

During a cold winter day a wife messaged to her husband that “the Windows frozen”.
Husband replied to pour some warm water on them.
After a while husband received a message again “No way, the computer is completely spoilt now”!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3naeiz/wife_messaged_to_her_husband/
%
Why did the hipster burn his tounge?

Because he ate his food before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nabuc/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tounge/
%
Whats the difference between a terrorist camp and a high school?

I don't know, I just fly drones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3na6pw/whats_the_difference_between_a_terrorist_camp_and/
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I've accepted that my brother is never paying back that money I loaned him...

I've lost interest, and I'm just giving up on the principal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3na5p0/ive_accepted_that_my_brother_is_never_paying_back/
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What do you get with legalized prostitution and a highly competitive marketplace?

The best bang for your buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3na5gc/what_do_you_get_with_legalized_prostitution_and_a/
%
How do generals show their gratitude to their troops?

They give tanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3na56d/how_do_generals_show_their_gratitude_to_their/
%
A young teen driving a brand new Porsche was looking for a parking space ...

He sees a spot near the front of the store, but another car starts pulling into it.  The young teen decides he will pull into it first since he has a fast car.
As he steps out of the car, the old man in the other car gets out and says "Hey, I was parking in that spot, why did you pull in to it?"
The young teen responds "That's what happens when you are young and fast!"
So the old man got back into his car and rammed the back of the teen's Porchse with his car totalling the Porcshe.
The young teen exclaims "What the hell did you do that for?"
The old man responded "That's what happens when you are old and rich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3na3s7/a_young_teen_driving_a_brand_new_porsche_was/
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A pirate was being introduced to his new crew.

The captain is snowing him around the ship.
"This is the dining room where we have our meals."
"This is the sleeping quarters where your bunk will be"
"This is the latrine where you will take your mighty pirate shits"
The new pirate says to the captain. "I can't help but notice there isn't much privacy around  here. What do I have to do if I need to.. You know... Relieve myself?"
The captain then takes him up on the poopdeck where he points out a barrel with a hole in the side of it. There is a line of his shipmates, and one by one they go up and stick their dick in the barrel.
"If you ever feel the urge you can always just walk up to the barrel and stick your junk in the hole. Well- everyday except Tuesday that is"
The pirate replies "perfect! But why not on Tuesday?"
"Well," the captain says. "That's your day in the barrel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n9zzs/a_pirate_was_being_introduced_to_his_new_crew/
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Naming Drinks

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.
A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."
"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."
So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!"
"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n9z7i/naming_drinks/
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Help needed.

Well our worst fears have been confirmed today. My wife is allergic to our pet collie. Now I know this isn't a re-homing site and some of you may take umbrage with this not being a interesting political post, but could someone please find a little place in their heart to help me out. She is reasonably house trained and can be very loving at times.
Her name is Maxine and she is 44.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n9vmp/help_needed/
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What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n9uxu/whats_a_horny_pirates_worst_nightmare/
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UNAPPRECIATED HANUKKAH GIFT

A Jewish guy's mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one.
As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, "What -- you didn't like the other one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n9uex/unappreciated_hanukkah_gift/
%
My friend taught his female dog to add.

That sumbitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n9ts4/my_friend_taught_his_female_dog_to_add/
%
The Storm

A woman invites her date up to her apartment after a wonderful dinner. After a bit of conversation on the couch, they kiss. Passions rise and the kissing gets more intense, as does the pressure in her belly. She realizes that the is going to fart at any moment, whether she wants to or not.
She pushes away from her date and says, "The kissing is stirring up deep emotions in me and I feel the need to express them through music. I want to play a piece I've just learned on the piano, it's called 'The Storm'." She sits at the piano and begins playing. The piece gets louder and more tumultuous, and at the right moment, she lets one rip, loud, but masked by the music. She plays for a bit longer then returns to the couch feeling that she'd dodged a bullet.
A bit later she feels it again. The pressure. She tries to contain it, but she knows that it will soon overwhelm her. "Oh, honey, I have to play again. The passion compels me." She repeats her earlier performance, and at the same part in the 'The Storm', she farts.
Back again on the couch, as the passion continues, she feels the urge yet again. She says, "Baby, I just gotta play 'The Storm' again. I'm sure you're getting tired of the piece, but I must express myself."
She stands and walks to the piano. Her date says, "Go ahead, I love the piece, but could you leave the part out where the lightning strikes the shit house?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n9qfd/the_storm/
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so, my neighbors just got arrested for making their kids get Botox.....

none of the kids looked surprised

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n9p1b/so_my_neighbors_just_got_arrested_for_making/
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You might think a man's anatomy is quite similar to a woman's....

But there's a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n9jw7/you_might_think_a_mans_anatomy_is_quite_similar/
%
Farmers.

If Farmer A sells watermelon, and Farmer B sell apples, what does Farmer C sell? Drugs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n9ji5/farmers/
%
Organic Vegetables

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables when I went to the market. I looked around but couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee in the produce section and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" The produce guy looked at me, slyly smiled and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n9hur/organic_vegetables/
%
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11?

In the US you can't milk a cow for 14 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n9c3y/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_911/
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What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?

About thirty thousand dollars a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n99he/whats_the_difference_between_a_shooting_range_and/
%
What do vegan zombies eat?

GRAAAAAIIINNNNSS!!!
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n97si/what_do_vegan_zombies_eat/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a vacuum cleaner?

They both suck, but the vacuum has a handle on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n94ck/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
The Indian lady on the train.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n93zf/the_indian_lady_on_the_train/
%
Scientists have discovered the number one food that kills a woman's sex drive

Wedding cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n91j9/scientists_have_discovered_the_number_one_food/
%
Did you hear about Oscar Pistorius' home improvements?

He wants a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend's dead against it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n8znm/did_you_hear_about_oscar_pistorius_home/
%
Whats the difference between three dicks and a joke?

fuck if I know, feminists won't take any

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n8umc/whats_the_difference_between_three_dicks_and_a/
%
Which sex position produces the ugliest children?

I don't know, ask your mum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n8pv0/which_sex_position_produces_the_ugliest_children/
%
My girlfriend's accused me of cheating with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

How can she say that?!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n8oz8/my_girlfriends_accused_me_of_cheating_with_a_girl/
%
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n8npa/how_was_the_roman_empire_cut_in_half/
%
If you had to choose between your local WNBA team winning the finals and receiving $5.....

What would you spend your $5 on?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n8n52/if_you_had_to_choose_between_your_local_wnba_team/
%
Now why do sumo wrestlers shave their necks?

To avoid being mistaken for redditors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n8ibd/now_why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_necks/
%
Why are frogs always so happy?

Because they eat whatever bugs them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n8g74/why_are_frogs_always_so_happy/
%
What does the head of the Catholic Church used to buy goods online?

Papal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n860n/what_does_the_head_of_the_catholic_church_used_to/
%
Did you hear about the NFL player who went to prison?

He went in a tight end and came out a wide receiver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n83fb/did_you_hear_about_the_nfl_player_who_went_to/
%
Bear Hunt

A hunter goes to a forest. Fires at a bear, misses, bear is nowhere to be seen.
Suddenly the bear taps him on his shoulder and says "you tried to kill me, either i'll kill you or pull down your trousers and let me fuck you". The man chooses life.
Man goes home embarrassed, buys a bigger gun and goes back to hunt the bear. Sees it at a distance, fires, misses, the bear disappears in the thick brush only to pop up behind him a little later. Recognizes the hunter and says" you know the choices".
Hunter after being fucked again brings a bazooka to get over his humiliation. Finds the bear, fires and falls back due to recoil. The smoke clears and the bear is standing over him, rubbing it's chin
"You don't come here for hunting, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n819a/bear_hunt/
%
We should just name hurricanes after politicians.

That way we wouldn't have to worry about them actually coming through with anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n814u/we_should_just_name_hurricanes_after_politicians/
%
Did you hear Burger King is promoting a black Whopper?

McDonalds responded by introducing a 3/5ths pounder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n80iu/did_you_hear_burger_king_is_promoting_a_black/
%
I bought a 5 gallon drum of correction fluid the other day.

Big mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n7zfz/i_bought_a_5_gallon_drum_of_correction_fluid_the/
%
Pedophiles have kind of a bad reputation...

...but they drive slow near schools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n7zdz/pedophiles_have_kind_of_a_bad_reputation/
%
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n7yxa/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
%
A guy stays at a german man's house.

He asks where he should sleep. The german man says "you have a few options. You can sleep in laundry, in lounge room, in bathroom, outside, or you can sleep with baby. The guy replies "the laundry and bathroom sound uncomfortable, sleeping outside would give me mosquito bites and the baby might poop it's bed or something while I'm sleeping. I'll sleep in the lounge room." So he sleeps in the lounge room for that night. The next morning, while having breakfast, he sees a sexy and beautiful young lady walking down the stairs. The guy asks the german guy "who's that? she looks like my dream girl." The man looks at him and replies:
"That's Baby, my daughter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n7wuv/a_guy_stays_at_a_german_mans_house/
%
What was Eve charged with after murdering Adam in the Garden?

Being a first-person shooter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n7wq3/what_was_eve_charged_with_after_murdering_adam_in/
%
A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar.

- comedy removed due to complaints -

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n7vdt/a_feminist_and_a_muslim_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the comedian go to doctor?

Because the audience gave him the clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n7r8j/why_did_the_comedian_go_to_doctor/
%
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n7r3b/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
%
A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working

, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love... He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth. The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and she says, "But daddy what do I write on the form?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n7muh/a_sweet_little_girl_runs_out_to_the_backyard/
%
I went to the psychiatrist today

I told him that I have started hearing voices.
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n79ek/i_went_to_the_psychiatrist_today/
%
Chinese President Xi Jinping said the road to peace is long and hard.

That's what Xi said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n71iz/chinese_president_xi_jinping_said_the_road_to/
%
Have you ever played the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom you take 4 Shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n700j/have_you_ever_played_the_oscar_pistorius_drinking/
%
What do you get when you wreck a Honda Accord into a Saturn Ion?

An Accordion.
...I'll, uh, see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n6v8n/what_do_you_get_when_you_wreck_a_honda_accord/
%
A life long union supporting man decides to take a trip to Vegas...

When he arrives he decides he is going to look into the brothels that he has heard about.  He walks into one and calls the Madam over.  "Is your brothel union? He asks.  "Nope." replies the Madam.  "What is the house cut?" He asks.  "The house gets 70% and the girls get 30%"  He shakes his head in disgust and decides to take his money elsewhere.  He finds another brothel down the street and enters, calls the Madam over and asks the same questions.  "Are you union, whats the house cut?"  The Madam gave the same answers as the one before, "Nope. 70/30"  He shakes his head and walks out.  He keeps looking around and is about to give up when he sees a small brothel at the end of street. He goes in and calls the Madam over, " I know what you are going to say, but I have to ask, are you a union brothel?"  "Why yes we are!" replies the Madam.  The man's eyes light  up and he asks "What is the house cut?"  "The house only takes 30% and the girls get the rest," she replies.  The man is thrilled and goes in and looks around at the selection of girls that are there.  He sees a really cute blonde sitting over on the other side.  He calls the Madam over points to the blonde and says, "I think I will take that one this evening"  The Madam laughs and says "Honey, no you won't" and she points to a 70 year old worn out woman hacking in the corner.  "You get Ethyl 'cause she has seniority"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n6oz6/a_life_long_union_supporting_man_decides_to_take/
%
Islamic joke I saw somewhere

A man walking in New York’s Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.
A passing Fox News reporter says: “You’re a hero. Tonight’s TV news bulletin will say: ‘Brave New Yorker Saves Child.”
The man replies: “I’m a tourist from Saudi Arabia.”
That night the news on Fox TV says: “Islamic extremist kills New York dog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n6muy/islamic_joke_i_saw_somewhere/
%
How are women like rocks?

You skip the flat ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n6kuk/how_are_women_like_rocks/
%
How many Blondes does it take to bake chocolate chip cookies?

10....one to bake the cookies, and 9 to peel the M&Ms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n6gal/how_many_blondes_does_it_take_to_bake_chocolate/
%
A smart doctor joke

A redhead walks into the Doctor's office and says, "Doctor, please help me....I ache all over". The Doctor says, "really, let me see if I can help...show me where it hurts". The redhead points down to her knee, pokes it and screams in pain. The Doctor nods, takes some notes and asks..."Anwhere else?". The girl points to her head, taps her skull and lets out a squeal of pain. The doctor raises his eyebrows, nods a bit, and says..."Hmmm..that is interesting....where else does it hurt?" The redhead reaches behind her back, points to he ass, pokes herself and yells in agony. The doctor writes something in his book, closes it and says "OK, I think I know what the problem is..........you have dyed your hair...you were once blonde, correct?"...The redhead says, "Well yes, but what does that have to do with anything?"
The doctor says...."Your finger is broken"....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n6f1b/a_smart_doctor_joke/
%
Praying is a lot like masturbation.

It feels good to the person doing it but does nothing for the person being thought about.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n6d62/praying_is_a_lot_like_masturbation/
%
As I was watching some commercials tonight....

A football game came on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n69p6/as_i_was_watching_some_commercials_tonight/
%
My girlfriend and I broke up over astrology.

She's a Taurus, but I don't believe in bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n63ej/my_girlfriend_and_i_broke_up_over_astrology/
%
What's Mohammed, Moses and Noah's favourite dessert?

Propheteroles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n62n6/whats_mohammed_moses_and_noahs_favourite_dessert/
%
joke

Two friends were walking by when they saw a poster with a joke on it. It said "Are you cold at the moment? Come to the corner, it's 90 degrees."
"Wow," said the first friend. "That's acute joke."
"Eh, not really." said the second friend. "Actually it's all right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n62mz/joke/
%
A wife asks her newfie husband to stop by the grocery store on the way home...

She tells him, "pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen"
He comes home later with 12 loaves of bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n62j9/a_wife_asks_her_newfie_husband_to_stop_by_the/
%
What do you call two marry-go-rounds having sex?

I don't know, i'm just fucking around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n62a3/what_do_you_call_two_marrygorounds_having_sex/
%
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To avoid being mistaken for feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n6237/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
%
If we drown in this upcoming hurricane, would that make us...

...the Joaquin Dead?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5wva/if_we_drown_in_this_upcoming_hurricane_would_that/
%
What's the difference between a secret Taliban hideout and an Afghan public school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5wug/whats_the_difference_between_a_secret_taliban/
%
Ever had sex while camping?

It's fucking intense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5u3o/ever_had_sex_while_camping/
%
What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch?

Seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5tu6/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_in_a_lettuce_patch/
%
What do you call an Austrian woman's undergarments?

A Freudian Slip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5t55/what_do_you_call_an_austrian_womans_undergarments/
%
Russia and Ukraine.

What did Russia say to Ukraine?
Go Crimea River.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5p6t/russia_and_ukraine/
%
A salesman with a bad lisp...

came to my front door today. He was giving away a coupon for either free cologne or a free abortion. When I confronted him about it, he simply explained "Eidah way, you're gonna clear tha womb."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5njl/a_salesman_with_a_bad_lisp/
%
Such a sad day - a friend of mine died of heartburn

Still can't believe Gaviscon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5ivw/such_a_sad_day_a_friend_of_mine_died_of_heartburn/
%
What is a Freudian slip?

When you say one thing but mean your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5hp5/what_is_a_freudian_slip/
%
Why can't you trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5gem/why_cant_you_trust_atoms/
%
If my girlfriend and I were stoners, I would propose by asking ...

..."Marriage, you wanna?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5g5z/if_my_girlfriend_and_i_were_stoners_i_would/
%
There are two categories of people in this world, graceful and clumsy...

I always seem to fall into the ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5cy9/there_are_two_categories_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Why was the tumblrina mad at the gamer?

He was pushing the right trigger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5bkc/why_was_the_tumblrina_mad_at_the_gamer/
%
A psychic child and his psychiatrist are on a passenger liner traveling from the UK to the US.

As the ship is fairly close to the coastline, the child begins screaming and covering his eyes.
His psychiatrist immediately asks "What is it, what happened?"
The child responds, "Icy dead people[.](/r/feghoot)"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5acp/a_psychic_child_and_his_psychiatrist_are_on_a/
%
What do you call a smart Australian?

A New Zealander

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n585i/what_do_you_call_a_smart_australian/
%
Flatulence problem

A patient complained to his doctor about his terrible farting problem.
-Doctor, from the moment I stepped into your office, I must have farted a dozen times... it's like non-stop. Though they're not smelly, it's really bothering me...
The practitioner prescribes some medicine and tells him to get back to him in two weeks.
Five days later, that patient storms the doctor's office and complains that besides absolutely no improvement with his gas generation issue, his farts now have a disgustingly foul smell!!
The doctor looks at him and says:
-Now that your smelling sense is back to normal, let us see what we can do to solve your farting issue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n5423/flatulence_problem/
%
Every husband is a farmer by default..

his survival solely depends on "Agree"culture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n53x5/every_husband_is_a_farmer_by_default/
%
What did the cashew say to the sneezing peanut?

"Yes, what is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n52vb/what_did_the_cashew_say_to_the_sneezing_peanut/
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A snobbish English teacher was sitting in an airport in the South waiting on her flight back to New York, when

a young southern girl sat down next to her.  "Where y'all goin' to?" she asked the teacher.
Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied, "I don't answer people who end their sentences with prepositions."
The young lady thought a moment and replied, "Where y'all goin' to, *bitch*?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n50tw/a_snobbish_english_teacher_was_sitting_in_an/
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My dad and I never got along

We have been butting heads since the womb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n4y7l/my_dad_and_i_never_got_along/
%
A woman gives birth to twins and then goes into a coma

When she wakes up, she realises that she is yet to name her child.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry about that miss. Your brother was here while you were unconscious. He named your children.
Mother: What!? My brother is a complete idiot! Oh God, what did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Mother: Oh, I guess that's not too bad. What a relief. And what did he name my son?
Doctor: ....Denephew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n4woc/a_woman_gives_birth_to_twins_and_then_goes_into_a/
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The Rodeo...

So two cowboys are talking about sex and the various positions when one of them mentions "the Rodeo."
So the second cowboy says to him, "I didn't know the Rodeo was a sex position. How do you do that one?"
The first cowboy explains. "So what you do is you penetrate your girl from behind. Then you reach around and grab her boobs, lean over, and whisper in her ear, 'These are almost as big as your sister's.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n4v5j/the_rodeo/
%
Why did the privileged white guy fail his algebra test?

He didn't know enough about inequalities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n4snm/why_did_the_privileged_white_guy_fail_his_algebra/
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I slapped a statues arse...

I think I hit rock bottom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n4oxt/i_slapped_a_statues_arse/
%
So this guy comes into a gunstore and wants to buy a rifle scope.

The Owner hands him one saying "This is a very good one. Look out the window: Right up on top of that hill you can see my house."
The man looks through and starts laughing.
"What is it?" the Owner.
"It really is a good scope, I can see two people making love through one of the windows!"
The Owner takes the scope away from him to have a look.
"That's my wife!" he exclaims.
He mounts the scope on a rifle, loads two bullets and hands it to the man.
"I will give you the rifle with the scope for free, I want you to shoot her in the head, and him his dick."
The man agrees ,  takes aim, and says: "alright I can do it with one shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n4lgf/so_this_guy_comes_into_a_gunstore_and_wants_to/
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If you elected me president, I would implement a masturbation tax...

Talk about saving the economy single-handedly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n4i7e/if_you_elected_me_president_i_would_implement_a/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To see his friend Gregory Peck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n4ehp/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
Relation between son, father and mother

Son : Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl.
Father : That's great son. Who is she?
Son : It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.
Father : Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out; but a couple of months later :
Son : Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
Father : That's great son. Who is she?
Son : It's Angela, the other neighbour's daughter.
Father : Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister. This went on couple of times and son was so mad, He went straight to his mother crying.
Son : Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately and says : My love, You can date whoever you want. He isn't your Father..!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n4e22/relation_between_son_father_and_mother/
%
You're so ugly

....even the tide wouldn't take you out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n4avt/youre_so_ugly/
%
What do you call a heard of masturbating cows?

....Beef stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n4aqw/what_do_you_call_a_heard_of_masturbating_cows/
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3 prisoners are to be executed by a firing squad

The first one thinking of ways to escape shouted "EARTHQUAKE!" which caused everyone to panic and allowed the prisoner to escape.
The second prisoner seeing what the first one did shouted "TORNADO!" which caused everyone to panic again and also allowed him to escape
The third prisoner, knowing what the others did, frantically shouted "FIRE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n49zk/3_prisoners_are_to_be_executed_by_a_firing_squad/
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The child must feed...

As she sat mewling and squawking beside me, I knew my offspring would need to eat again soon.   I selected our next victim and pulled a long knife from its sheath.  "This is tougher than I thought", I said, as I dug the knife hard into the thick skin.  My offspring just smacked her lips in delight, awaiting her favorite meal.  It squirmed around beneath me as I removed its hard exterior, red juices flowing down the handle of my knife into a pool beneath us until finally there was a neat pile of the discarded skin, and the creature squirmed no more.  Slowly I began to filet the flesh, carving away bright pink hunks of meat and setting them aside for myself.  The child was hungry, and she must have her favorite piece.  I gulped down chunks of innards as I made my way through the thing, my offspring drooling as we got closer to her goal.  Finally fhere it was - the heart - and I carefully sliced it into small pieces and flung them at my ravenous young.  She shoveled hunks of the thing into her mouth, the juices flowing down her cheeks, here and there slinging bits below.  Ravenous dogs gobbled up whatever scraps were flung aside in her haste.  I made my way through the remaining flesh, delighting in her rapturous indulgence, until finally no meat remained save a single vein dangling from her gaping maw.  As she clapped her hands eagerly, squealing "more, more!" I thought to myself, "next time we're going to need a bigger watermelon".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n49xq/the_child_must_feed/
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A woman was standing in a crowded lift

of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n42te/a_woman_was_standing_in_a_crowded_lift/
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Three guys are talking about things they can't stand...

The first guy is a police officer and says "One thing i can't stand is people who speed."
The second guy is a fireman and says "One thing i can't stand is when people play with matches."
The third guy is in a wheelchair and says "One thing i can't stand is up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n41nk/three_guys_are_talking_about_things_they_cant/
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Imagine if trees gave off Wi-Fi signals, we would be planting so many trees and we'd probably save the planet too.

Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n418g/imagine_if_trees_gave_off_wifi_signals_we_would/
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My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

...and that "we should split up"
"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3ys0/my_girlfriend_said_she_was_sick_of_me_pretending/
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A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending...

A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending.
He goes inside and meets with his massage therapist, a middle-aged Asian woman who is not wholly unattractive. She takes him into the room, lights a few candles and leaves the room so he can undress. He does so and lies down on the table.
She returns and begins to massage his back and buttocks, causing him to become aroused. After several minutes, she asks him to roll over, whereupon she notices the large bulge beneath his towel.
"Oh! You want wanky?" she asks, and the man nods emphatically. With a smile, the therapist signals to him with one finger and steps out of the room.
Thirty minutes or so pass, and the man is still lying on the table. By now, he is no longer horny. The therapist finally returns, and peeking her head into the room, she asks, "Are you done?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3xif/a_man_goes_to_a_massage_parlor_looking_for_a/
%
My X made the worst coffee.

I thought it was grounds for divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3ucu/my_x_made_the_worst_coffee/
%
Three men are hunting off the coast of Africa when they get captured by cannibals..

They tell the men, we will use your bones for our weapons and your skin for out canoes... Choose how you would like to die...
Man one replies.. Give me a gun and proceeds to shoot himself in the head
Man two says: "give me a sword" and stabs himself through the stomach and dies with honor.
Man three says: "give me two forks" and begins stabbing himself repeatedly all over.
Bewildered, the cannibals cry "what on earth are you doing!?"
Man three replies: "fucking up your canoes bitch!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3tn2/three_men_are_hunting_off_the_coast_of_africa/
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When going camping you can never run

You have to ran, because it will always be past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3thx/when_going_camping_you_can_never_run/
%
I had a detention for only using uppercase letters today

Stupid capital punishment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3tgb/i_had_a_detention_for_only_using_uppercase/
%
How is Kim Kardashian similar to dough?

Both are very kneady.
Also yeast, lots of yeast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3qzd/how_is_kim_kardashian_similar_to_dough/
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They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic abuse or foster houses.

It will be called the Broken Home Depot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3o07/they_are_opening_a_hardware_store_in_indiana/
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What do you say to someone who studied media at university?

Can I have fries with that please?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3kj7/what_do_you_say_to_someone_who_studied_media_at/
%
Whiskey diet

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3ffu/whiskey_diet/
%
I'm a dyslexic tree...

My life is A-OK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3cv2/im_a_dyslexic_tree/
%
How did the Welshman find the sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3cll/how_did_the_welshman_find_the_sheep_in_the_tall/
%
What video game would Adolf Hitler play?

Mein Kraft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n35z3/what_video_game_would_adolf_hitler_play/
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This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club

I was confused, I'd never met herbivore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n35os/this_girl_came_up_to_me_today_and_said_she/
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A 5 year old boy asked his dad...

A 5 year old boy asked his dad - "Daddy.. what are those bumps on mommy's chest?"
The father, a bit uncomfortable at the question, decided his son was too young to learn about female anatomy.
"Those are mommy's balloons, son", said the father. "And when she dies, they'll float her up to heaven."
"Ok daddy", said the boy.
A few days later, the father receives a frantic phone call at work from his son.
'Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!!"
Startled, he asks "Son, why do you think that?"
"Well", said the little boy between sniffles, "the next door neighbor is blowing up her balloons, and she's screaming to god that she's coming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n33e2/a_5_year_old_boy_asked_his_dad/
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A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'
Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared..
To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband  had a closed casket at the wake..
After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'
The husband  put down his drink and said - 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3225/a_husband_and_his_wife_were_always_fighting_each/
%
Did you know that an airplane's propeller is only a big fan and is there to keep the pilot cool?

Don't believe me?
Turn it off, and see how much the pilot sweats!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n2xyo/did_you_know_that_an_airplanes_propeller_is_only/
%
How many germans does it take to change a lightbulp?

One. We are efficient and don't have any humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n2xuw/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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So I got myself a Cuban girlfriend...

She is my Guantanamo bae.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n2vqf/so_i_got_myself_a_cuban_girlfriend/
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Superman was flying around one night...

when he spotted Wonder Woman laying out on the roof of a tall building, butt naked and spread eagle.
Superman flies down to his companion and starts going to town on unsuspecting Wonder Woman.
He finishes his business as quick as a bullet and flies off at supersonic speed like nothing had happened.
Wonder Woman looks around and says "What on earth was that?"
A few moments later...
"I have no idea but my ass is killing me." The Invisible Man replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n2tso/superman_was_flying_around_one_night/
%
Why should you always wear underwear in Ukraine?

Otherwise Chernobyl Fallout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n2r0q/why_should_you_always_wear_underwear_in_ukraine/
%
Why don't I play chess with the Prodigy?

they smack my bishop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n2p7o/why_dont_i_play_chess_with_the_prodigy/
%
Maybe the ocean is so salty

because the land doesn't wave back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n2om0/maybe_the_ocean_is_so_salty/
%
Mars and NASA

Mars: Come over
NASA: You're 33.9 million miles away
Mars: I'm wet
NASA: I'm coming over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n2n0t/mars_and_nasa/
%
Old Jewish joke

A woman walks past a store with a display of watches in front. The woman, having broke her watch recently, goes inside. She asks the man behind the counter, "hey, do you repair watches?"
The man says "No, I'm a Mohel."
She asks, incredulously, "then why do you have watches displayed in front? Its very misleading!"
He answers "well, what the hell should I put there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n2kl2/old_jewish_joke/
%
So my friend got himself a trophy wife...

From the looks of it, it was a participation award.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n2b2o/so_my_friend_got_himself_a_trophy_wife/
%
A man calls up his hotel's reception

He says, "Please send someone over, I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out the window."
The manager replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we cannot intervene, this seems to be a personal issue."
"Dammit man, this is a maintenance issue; I can't get the window open!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n28m4/a_man_calls_up_his_hotels_reception/
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In the Navy.

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?"
"John," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled.
"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever.
And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Aye, Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n27d1/in_the_navy/
%
A blonde walks into an appliance store...

She goes up to a salesperson and says, gesturing to a product: "I would like to buy this T.V."
Salesperson replies: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes"
Outraged, the blonde leaves the store, dyes her hair red and returns the next day.
The blonde attempts yet again to buy the TV.
The salesperson replies: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".
The frustrated blonde storms out of the store and returns the next day with black hair.
"Can I PLEASE buy this damn TV?"
The salesperson replies: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".
The blonde screams in defeat and cries "How did you always know?? I came several times with different hair colours and even asked different people to buy it!"
"Mam, that's a microwave"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n226v/a_blonde_walks_into_an_appliance_store/
%
A woman walks into an ice cream parlour

and askes for a scoop of chocolate ice cream.
"Im sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream"
"Ok. Then I guess I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream."
"Sorry. But we dont have any more chocolate ice cream."
"Alright. Then can I have a quart of chocolate ice cream?"
"Ma'am. How do you spell the "van" in "vanilla?""
"V-A-N"
"And how do you spell the "straw" in "strawberry?""
"S-T-R-A-W"
"And how do you spell the "fuck" in "chocolate?""
"...There is no fuck in chocolate."
"That's what I've been trying to tell you this entire time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n1x3x/a_woman_walks_into_an_ice_cream_parlour/
%
It was early morning at the military base...

... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames"
"Here!"
"Jenson"
"Here!"
"Jones"
"Here!"
"Magersky"
"Here!"
"Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n1w5h/it_was_early_morning_at_the_military_base/
%
I lent my deck of cards to an this idiot I work with, and he gave me only 51 back.

He was a jack-off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n1tvt/i_lent_my_deck_of_cards_to_an_this_idiot_i_work/
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What do you call a book case hogging all the books?

Shelf-ish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n1r8l/what_do_you_call_a_book_case_hogging_all_the_books/
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Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench...

A man wearing a long raincoat approaches, opens it and flashes them.
Two of the ladies immediately have a stroke. The third couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n1l3a/three_old_ladies_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
A banker, a worker and an immigrant

An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n1k30/a_banker_a_worker_and_an_immigrant/
%
A retiring obstetrician takes the bag of foreskins he collected during his career to a taxidermist.

The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them."
A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the OB gets there, the taxidermist hands him a *wallet*! It is beautifully made, with thousands of tiny stitches, but it's *disappointingly small*.
OB: What? I gave you thousands of foreskins! That's it?
The taxidermist grins and says "When you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n1h5x/a_retiring_obstetrician_takes_the_bag_of/
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a soldier finds himself outside after night fall

A soldier finds himself outside his base of operations in a foreign country after night fall. He managed to find himself back at the main gate of entry but was unable to produce any physical evidence that he was in fact born and raised in the USA. The guard at the gate was not allowed to let anyone in who wasn't a citizen of the United States. The solider suggested that the guard ask him a few questions to prove in nationally. The guard then replied, "OK, sing the national anthem." The solider then sang the national anthem just as he has heard it at countless sporting events and county fairs. When he finished the guard said, "OK, now sing the second verse." The solider yelled, "I don't know the second verse!" to which the guard said,"you're obviously American, c'mon in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n1ekx/a_soldier_finds_himself_outside_after_night_fall/
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How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb?

Toucan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n1d3y/how_many_birds_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
"Daddy, what does 'autonomous' mean?"

"Do your own fucking homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n16zy/daddy_what_does_autonomous_mean/
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Hurricane Joaquin

This Category 3 Storm is likely to hit the Eastern US this week.
Good news for Arizona residents: you will not be affected by Joaquin, Phoenix.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n0wzl/hurricane_joaquin/
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Apparently your semen tastes like what you eat

which greatly explains why my semen tastes like semen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n0wrn/apparently_your_semen_tastes_like_what_you_eat/
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a stepfather walks in on his stepdaughter

a stepfather walks into his stepdaughter's room, as he walks in he sees his stepdaughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber, in disgust he leaves her room as fast as possible
he then says,"dammit I was gonna eat that!..................
now it will taste like cucumber"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n0w2l/a_stepfather_walks_in_on_his_stepdaughter/
%
A psychiatrist is testing his patients

He asks the first one "what is 4+2?"  The patient replies "potato"
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.
He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000"
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.
He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6"
The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?"
The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n0o5b/a_psychiatrist_is_testing_his_patients/
%
She told me she wanted to Netflix and chill.

But when I got there she had Redbox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n0lue/she_told_me_she_wanted_to_netflix_and_chill/
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Critics say Botox is too expensive...

...but I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n0jit/critics_say_botox_is_too_expensive/
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Two hillbillies run into each other one afternoon...

the first one asks, "Hey bubba, do you want another bottle of that moonshine I hooked you up with last week?" Bubba says,"Hell no! That stuff had me blowing chunks all night long!!"
Puzzled, the 1st hillbilly says, "That's a tried and true family recipe. I've heard of lots of people getting plenty drunk from it, ain't never heard of nobody gettin' sick from it."
Bubba says,"I ain't said nothin about gettin sick, Chunks is my dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n0jbe/two_hillbillies_run_into_each_other_one_afternoon/
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Yo momma is so fat ...

She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n0ivm/yo_momma_is_so_fat/
%
What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n0gru/what_does_a_clock_do_when_its_hungry/
%
Anybody can piss on the floor

but it takes a great man to shit on the ceiling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n0fed/anybody_can_piss_on_the_floor/
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Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?

That’s as crazy as the discounts at Dave’s Furniture Emporium…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n0es6/did_you_know_people_are_getting_paid_to_mention/
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Did you hear the one about the dude who married an exhibitionist?

He saw his wife flash before his eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n0cl1/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_dude_who_married/
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Why do nice guys always finish last?

Because their girlfriends always cum first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n0597/why_do_nice_guys_always_finish_last/
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My Grandpa's favorite "dumb blonde" joke.

A blonde is on an airplane to Chicago and gets up from her seat in coach and goes into the first class cabin and sits down.
The flight attendant goes up to the blonde and politely tells her that she does not have a first class ticket and must go back to coach. The blonde refuses and says , "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I am going to Chicago, and I am staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "you say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in coach.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Chicago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n000k/my_grandpas_favorite_dumb_blonde_joke/
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Why did the pedophile move to Korea?

Because there, Too Young is just a name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mzvpj/why_did_the_pedophile_move_to_korea/
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What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat

Banned from the petting zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mzuli/what_do_you_get_if_you_insert_human_dna_into_a/
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What did the fat math teacher say after a large Thanksgiving dinner?

(√-1)/8!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mztny/what_did_the_fat_math_teacher_say_after_a_large/
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A wife accompanies her husband to a follow up appointment at his doctor.

Things go normally, but as they are about to leave the doctor asks if he can talk to her privately. The husband goes to the waiting room.
The doctor tells the woman, "I didn't want to scare him, but your husband has a very serious heart condition. As long as he is treated properly, he should live a long life."
"What do we need to do?" says the wife.
"Well, you are going to have to keep him calm and relaxed at all times. Don't make him do anything around the house. Message him if he feels stressed. Cook his favorite meals. Let him watch what he wants on TV. Anything you can do to keep him happy and relaxed."
The wife leaves the office and her and her husband get in the car.
"I'm dying to know, what did he want to say to you?" says the husband.
"You have two weeks to live."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mzs5q/a_wife_accompanies_her_husband_to_a_follow_up/
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Whats the best part about dating a black girl?

You rarely have to meet their dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mzr2k/whats_the_best_part_about_dating_a_black_girl/
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Why do Republicans make good DJs?

Because they know how to shut the House down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mzi7i/why_do_republicans_make_good_djs/
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TIL There is a new drug for lesbians dealing with depression.

It's called 'trycoxagain'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mzhqj/til_there_is_a_new_drug_for_lesbians_dealing_with/
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Yo momma's privates are like Mars...

It took a team of scientists decades to find moisture on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mz9tv/yo_mommas_privates_are_like_mars/
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Since I started dating my girlfriend a year ago I became a millionaire!

6 months ago I was a billionaire :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mz67u/since_i_started_dating_my_girlfriend_a_year_ago_i/
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The difference between Men and Women.

I never knew someone could portray me so well in such nice language!
Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then, there is silence in the car.
To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.
And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Fred," Martha says aloud.
"What?" says Fred, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Fred.
"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Fred.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.
"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Fred.
"That way about time," says Martha.
"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Fred," she says.
"Thank you," says Fred.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mz5ne/the_difference_between_men_and_women/
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I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my dick

So my wife can blow all the money she wants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3myy6r/i_got_a_hundred_dollar_bill_tattooed_on_my_dick/
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The first woman on the Moon contacted Houston.

"Houston, we have a problem."
*"What is it?"*
"Never mind."
*"What's the problem?"*
"It's nothing."
*"Please tell us."*
"I'm fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3myxb7/the_first_woman_on_the_moon_contacted_houston/
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count ..

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.  "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"  The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3myvwk/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for/
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What do you call a zoo that only has dogs?

A shit zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3myqc8/what_do_you_call_a_zoo_that_only_has_dogs/
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I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."
I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.
I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"
"You wanna buy it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3myl2f/i_had_a_job_interview/
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Do you know why divorce is so expensive?

Because its worth it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3myick/do_you_know_why_divorce_is_so_expensive/
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Monks had it all wrong

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is *celebrate*, not *celibate!*," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3myd59/monks_had_it_all_wrong/
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I hate it when people ask me where I'll be in 5 years time...

Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mybbw/i_hate_it_when_people_ask_me_where_ill_be_in_5/
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What do you call a vegetarian prostitute?

A herbi-whore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mya34/what_do_you_call_a_vegetarian_prostitute/
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A man gets "I love you" tattooed on his penis...

He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.
She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3my98e/a_man_gets_i_love_you_tattooed_on_his_penis/
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NSFW Nearly humped a ladyboy

In Thailand and man it was so close, she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.. It was only when she drove me home and reversed perfectly into my drive 1st time, I thought to myself, "hang on a fuckin minute"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3my8oa/nsfw_nearly_humped_a_ladyboy/
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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain.

One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way the Camel doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Oh thats very smart, where did you get that?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist faints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3my7al/two_old_ladies_are_outside_their_nursing_home/
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What do you call someone who is kinda into Judaism?

Jew-ish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3my3tl/what_do_you_call_someone_who_is_kinda_into_judaism/
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Adolf Hitler wasn't so bad...

I mean he did kill Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3my2t1/adolf_hitler_wasnt_so_bad/
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What was Sisyphus's favourite type of music?

Rock 'n' Roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3my1n8/what_was_sisyphuss_favourite_type_of_music/
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What's Forest Gump's password?

1forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3my19i/whats_forest_gumps_password/
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For Sale: Parachute.

Only used once, never opened, small stain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mxzph/for_sale_parachute/
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[NSFW]We should learn three things from dogs.

1. Love
2. Trust
3. Faithfulness
And what we actually learn?
Doggy style

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mxxy7/nsfwwe_should_learn_three_things_from_dogs/
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I dont always roll a joint...

But when I do its my ankle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mxw96/i_dont_always_roll_a_joint/
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Tax time at the Synagogue...

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi."Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue."
"Internal Revenue!," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mxu85/tax_time_at_the_synagogue/
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So this guy is driving down the street and sees a woman with some big ol titties!

He says to himself, "I must have those in my mouth!"
He told his driver to pull over and he told her he would give her a hundred dollars to let him bite her nipples...
She replied, "what! You're gross get away"
He then said "I'll give you a thousand dollars to let Me bite your nipple!"
"I told you to get away creep!" She said
"Final offer, I'll give you a MILLION dollars to let me bite your nipple!" He yelled
After a second of deliberation.... She reluctantly accepts.
They go to back alley and she takes off her top. The man starts rubbing her titties & sucking her nipples.
"Well aren't you gonna bite my nipple?!?!" She shouts
"Naw that cost too much"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mxsc3/so_this_guy_is_driving_down_the_street_and_sees_a/
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How do you catch a rabbit?

Hide behind a tree and make carrot sounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mxplo/how_do_you_catch_a_rabbit/
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Hard of Hearing

An old man is losing his hearing, so he brings his wife with him to the doctors.  The doc says, "I'll need some samples today, sir.  A blood sample, a semen sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample."
The old man, not being able to hear, asks his wife, "WHAT'D HE SAY?!?"  She replies, "He said he needs your underwear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mxpjm/hard_of_hearing/
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What's your name?

A cop pulls a guy over and asks for his license and registration.
The driver responds, "I don't have a license or registration, Officer."
"Tell me your name then," the cop demands.
"Mr. Kret," the driver says.
"TELL ME YOUR FULL NAME," the officer barks, sufficiently irritated.
The driver smiles..."Itza C. Kret."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mxoti/whats_your_name/
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Going to Italy

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.  "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.
"With nothing to lose,  combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the  woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.  From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I'm getting a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.  Her  conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mxjit/going_to_italy/
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What do you call a dog that does magic?

A labracadabrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mxhh0/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_does_magic/
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A Girl gets on the bus holding a baby...

...and the bus driver sees her and says
"What an ugly baby!" The girl is mortified.
She pays and sits in the back, crying. And old guy is there and asks her:
"What happened, dear?"
She answers:
"That damn bus driver was SO rude to me!"
And then the old man says:
"Well my dear, then go over there and tell him what you think! I'll hold your monkey for you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mxey2/a_girl_gets_on_the_bus_holding_a_baby/
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Three explorers arrive on an island inhabited by a tribe of cannibals...

The chief of the tribe captures them and after a long time of hearing the explorers beg for their lives, the chief gives them a challenge. "Okay, you can live, but each of you must bring me ten peices of the same type of fruit." So on their way they go.
The first explorer returns with ten apples. The chief then tells him "now you must put all ten up your butt." After 5 apples, he is going through so much pain that he begs them to kill him, which they do and he goes to heaven.
The second explorer returns with ten blueberries and the chief once again tells the explorer he must insert the fruit up his butt. He is nearly done with nine already inside, when he begins to laugh uncontrollably, to which the chief responds by having him killed. The second explorer then goes to heaven.
When he arrives in heaven, the first explorer asks him "why did you start laughing, you were almost done." The second explorer responds " I saw the third explorer and he was carrying watermelons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mxbw0/three_explorers_arrive_on_an_island_inhabited_by/
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I used to be be indecisive....

....now I'm not so sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mx5l1/i_used_to_be_be_indecisive/
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Bob was in trouble...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mwyua/bob_was_in_trouble/
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The Belgians are pissed off...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build a bridge in the Sahara". The king of Belgium approves and so it happens; the Dutch build a bridge in the desert.
They became the laughing stock of the world. The king of Belgium is pleased and says to king Willem:"Ha ha that was funny, you can remove the bridge.
King Willem responds: "We can't, there are Belgians on the bridge trying to fish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mwx66/the_belgians_are_pissed_off/
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Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA.

Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mwuz0/edward_snowden_just_joined_twitter_almost/
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What's the difference between a priest and acne...

What's the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're 14 to come on your face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mwsde/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
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What does weed and your girlfriend have in common?

They both leave me sticky fingers. [7]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mwqin/what_does_weed_and_your_girlfriend_have_in_common/
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A woman goes into labor with twins.

She all alone, no husband, but excited to meet her son and daughter. Unfortunately, she has a massive stroke during delivery and falls into a coma*.
She wakes up, miraculously, five years later! She has a million questions: are her babies ok? Who has them? How long has it been?! When she learns her brother took guardianship of her children, she's instantly worried. Her brother is an IDIOT! What kind of mess has he made with them?! God, what did he even name them?!
They bring in her kids. She tentatively asks the little girl, "What's your name?"
"Denise." The little girl offers. The woman is relieved. That's not so bad. It's actually kind of lovely. "And you?" she asks the boy.
"Denephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mwjwi/a_woman_goes_into_labor_with_twins/
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(nsfw)A family walks into a hotel

and the father goes to the front desk and says, "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies, "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mwjsq/nsfwa_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
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Why do you always need to take 2 baptists on a fishing trip instead of one?

If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mwi93/why_do_you_always_need_to_take_2_baptists_on_a/
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What does Batman put in his drinks?

Just ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mwg5l/what_does_batman_put_in_his_drinks/
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Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

Because he uses only the highest-quality ingredients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mwd7i/why_does_michael_j_fox_make_the_best_milkshakes/
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Did you hear about the guy who pick pocketed a midget?

How could he stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mw9dp/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_pick_pocketed_a/
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President George W. Bush Gets Some Bad News...

Dick Cheney enters the Oval Office, where he finds President Bush busy playing with his Garbage Pail Kids collection.
"Mr. President," Cheney says, "I have some disconcerting news about the War in Iraq."
Bush glances up from his busywork and says, "Give it to me straight, Dick".
Cheney says, "Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were just killed by the insurgents."
Bush collapses to his knees and howls in grief, Cheney is shocked.  Finally, Bush clambers to his feet and, wiping tears from his face says, "Aw Dick, how many millions are in a brazillion?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mw706/president_george_w_bush_gets_some_bad_news/
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I just tried to woo Stephen Hawking.

But I don't think I pushed the right buttons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mw5u6/i_just_tried_to_woo_stephen_hawking/
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How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock.
(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mvzlr/how_do_you_know_a_homeless_woman_is_menstruating/
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mvyhn/a_man_goes_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
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A girl told me she loved vintage once...

So I locked her in the kitchen and told her she couldn't vote

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mvxa3/a_girl_told_me_she_loved_vintage_once/
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The NSA isn't all that bad

It's the only part of the American government that listens to its citizens!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mvvvh/the_nsa_isnt_all_that_bad/
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Have you heard about corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mvpu5/have_you_heard_about_corduroy_pillows/
%
When people tell me, "It's easy as Pi"

I tell them that they're being irrational

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mvo4b/when_people_tell_me_its_easy_as_pi/
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Dark humor is like food...

Some people don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mvnm5/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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What does a white girl and the numbers 3,5,7,and 9 have in common

They can't even

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mvl4f/what_does_a_white_girl_and_the_numbers_357and_9/
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Yo mama's so fat...

...she has to upgrade her data plan every time she sends a selfie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mvddi/yo_mamas_so_fat/
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How does the man on the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mvb6g/how_does_the_man_on_the_moon_cut_his_hair/
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A knock sounds at a nerd's door...

*Knock knock!*
"Who's there?"
"You know!"
"You know who?"
"Exactly. AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mv41w/a_knock_sounds_at_a_nerds_door/
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A priest, a minister and a rabbi went to see...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mv0qm/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi_went_to_see/
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I almost had sex today

I just needed 1 more person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3muzz8/i_almost_had_sex_today/
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A peephole has been found at a local girl's bathroom...

Don't worry, police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3muyxk/a_peephole_has_been_found_at_a_local_girls/
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Two antennas met on a roof...

they fell in love, and decided to get married. The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3muyvh/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof/
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Husband Wanted

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?  Just look at you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
‘Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mutie/husband_wanted/
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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None......he "fell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3muti5/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
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What do you call a cow with no nipples?

Udderly pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3musgr/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_nipples/
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Once upon a time, there lived a very famous juggler...

He gained notoriety and fame by managing to juggle up to 15 balls at once with impressive dexterity. He could juggle them behind his back, he could juggle them blindfolded, he could even juggle them while standing on his head. His skill was unmatched and all of his shows were sold out, no matter what part of the world he performed in.
But he had a secret: his hands were very small and because of it, he could only juggle with a special kit containing custom balls made specially for his tiny hands. Every time he would try to juggle other objects, he would always fail, so he only performed with that kit.
After several years of performing he started noticing that his shows didn't sell out anymore. Every other show there were more and more empty seats. When he asked why, he was told that people were becoming bored with his act of only juggling regular balls when there were other artists out there using more interesting props such as bowling balls, knives, swords, chainsaws, torches and even live animals.
The juggler became depressed. The less popular his shows became, the more he started drinking. All his life he knew how to do only one thing, and that was juggling. After several months of drinking, he had wasted all of his money. The only thing he had left were the clothes he was wearing and the juggling kit. He decided to leave all of his failures behind and become a monk. He sold his juggling kit and used the money to travel to the nearest monastery.
Ten years had passed when the once famous juggler couldn't handle the abstinence anymore. He sneaked out of the monastery and searched for a pub to have a few drinks. Even though he had grown a long beard, the bartender at the pub remembered his face and recognized him:
"Aren't you the juggler who was world famous about 10 years ago?"
"Yes, I am."
"What happened to you, where did you go all those years back?"
"I became a monk."
"Well, if you're a monk, why are you drinking?"
"For ten years, I haven't touched a single bottle. For ten years, I haven't touched a single woman. I just can't take it anymore, I want to feel like a normal person again"
The bartender understood his problem and nodded in agreement. He then pointed to a woman sitting at the other end of the pub and said:
"I'm sure she could take care of your second problem. Just show her your juggling skills and she will definitely be impressed."
The monk responded:
"Yes, I've been thinking about it as well...
...but I don't have the balls to do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3muqr2/once_upon_a_time_there_lived_a_very_famous_juggler/
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My penis is so long

When i put it on my keyboard, it covers all the way from A to Z

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mulf8/my_penis_is_so_long/
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One Night Stand

This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mufgf/one_night_stand/
%
During lunch at work last week

I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldnt).
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight. He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the bli
ndfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mueua/during_lunch_at_work_last_week/
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A useless blood vessel is found dead

It died in vein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mubty/a_useless_blood_vessel_is_found_dead/
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Michael Jackson goes to the Sperm Bank

Michael Jackson asked what he was supposed to do in there, and they told him to just Beat It, and Don't Stop til you Get Enough.
They asked him afterwards what it was like to jerk off in a cup, and he said it was a Thriller.
Everyone thought it was strange that he didn't have any porno with him to help, so they asked him what he did to make himself hard so he could ejaculate. Michael told them he was looking at the Man in the Mirror.
Michael was just joking around though. He was actually just thinking of Billy Jean. Either her or Ben.
It took him a really long time in there, so the doctors were wondering what happened. Michael told them his first attempt was Bad and he had to wipe it Off the Wall.
The last thing they wanted to know was Michael's particular method for pleasing himself. He told them he just used the Jackson Five.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mu9kc/michael_jackson_goes_to_the_sperm_bank/
%
Two fish in a tank...

One turns to the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mu882/two_fish_in_a_tank/
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What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An Investigator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mu739/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_wearing_a_vest/
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Computer trouble

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Joseph, the 14 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Joseph clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Joseph grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like that little boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mu6tm/computer_trouble/
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2016 Ford

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the ‘Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mu6gf/2016_ford/
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mu4og/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mu4bn/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer_today/
%
Sometimes, when I think about books

I touch my shelf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mu08y/sometimes_when_i_think_about_books/
%
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class...

She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"
And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mtyfk/a_2nd_grade_teacher_decides_to_teach_sex_ed_to/
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A worried elderly lady calls her husband on his cell phone...

"Please be careful," she tells him worriedly. "I heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on the highway."
To which he replies, "It's not just one car, it's all of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mtul7/a_worried_elderly_lady_calls_her_husband_on_his/
%
If I ever ran a tobacco company...

... I'd name my cigarettes "heretics". So anyone could burn his own heretic every single day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mtuax/if_i_ever_ran_a_tobacco_company/
%
If you went camping and woke up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?

If not, do you wanna go camping?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mtrcj/if_you_went_camping_and_woke_up_with_a_condom_in/
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What be a pirate's favorite letter?

Ayy, you think it be "r" but it really be the "c".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mtr3h/what_be_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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Yo momma so fat, when she wants to take a bath...

She fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mtqou/yo_momma_so_fat_when_she_wants_to_take_a_bath/
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I met a girl who didn’t like dried fruit.

Well I certainly couldn’t interest her in a date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mtqhy/i_met_a_girl_who_didnt_like_dried_fruit/
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What's the difference between congress and a circus?

One is a Cunning array of Stunts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mtogm/whats_the_difference_between_congress_and_a_circus/
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What is the difference between a Snowman and a Snow-woman?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mtney/what_is_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
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A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing plastic wrap underwear.

Psychiatrist says "Well, i can clearly see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mtmvj/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
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Jokes told by my tour guide while rafting.

* Why doesn't anyone tell knock knock jokes about America?
Because freedom rings.
* What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
* What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
* What do you call a cow with 1 leg?
A steak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mtm9i/jokes_told_by_my_tour_guide_while_rafting/
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Apparently the US government has to choose between supporting ISIS and the al-Assad regime...

I think that's called getting caught between Iraq and a hard place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mtldb/apparently_the_us_government_has_to_choose/
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Man is like spider...

..bound to have sticky fingers after being on the web

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mtkp2/man_is_like_spider/
%
I had sex with a terrorist once.

She said I was the best Jihad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mthaj/i_had_sex_with_a_terrorist_once/
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You get what you pay for (NSFW/Gross)

A man goes to a brothel and walks up to the clerk at the front desk. The man says "I would like to buy some entertainment for the night." The clerk replies, "I would recommend Jessica. She is one the 3rd floor, room 7. She is $250 for the night." The man replies "That's Outrageous! I can't pay that!" The clerk then suggests Vanessa on the 2nd floor. He tells the man that she is $150 for the night. The man says "Listen I have $60. That's all I can pay." The clerk says "Go down the left hallway here and she will be in the last door to the left." The man pays and goes to the room. The girl is there and already on the covers naked. She is extremely hot! He rips his pants off and starts going to town. About a 10 seconds in she starts foaming at the mouth and her eyes roll up. The man screams and runs out to the clerk. He tells him what happened. The clerk immediately grabs the phone and makes a call. He says "Yeah, Tony? The dead one's full again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mswq3/you_get_what_you_pay_for_nsfwgross/
%
A police officer pulls up to a stop sign

with a beaten up Toyota Camry in front of him. The officer comes to a stop and waits, but the Camry refuses to move. The officer waits a minute and begins to get agitated. Finally, the officer gets out of the police car and walks up to the Camry. The window creaks open, and the officer is hit with the overwhelming scent of weed.
The officer yells "What the hell are you waiting for, son?!"
The driver turns to the cop and says "Sorry, officer, I was waiting for the sign to turn green".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mstjp/a_police_officer_pulls_up_to_a_stop_sign/
%
What kind of luggage does a vulture bring on a plane?

Carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mssq3/what_kind_of_luggage_does_a_vulture_bring_on_a/
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I got a gun for my wife today.

It was the best trade I ever made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3msrfq/i_got_a_gun_for_my_wife_today/
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What do you call a programming language designed for women?

An object oriented programming language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mso9u/what_do_you_call_a_programming_language_designed/
%
Give a cat a box and he'll be happy for a day

Teach a cat to box and start wondering what you're doing with your life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3msmw7/give_a_cat_a_box_and_hell_be_happy_for_a_day/
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They say Titanic was shot in a swimming pool.

So was The Great Gatsby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3msl5d/they_say_titanic_was_shot_in_a_swimming_pool/
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Apple's new iphone sold over 13M units this past weekend

I guess you can say it was a 6S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3msczw/apples_new_iphone_sold_over_13m_units_this_past/
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A woman found out that her dog could barely hear,

so she took him to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. After cleaning both ears, the dog could hear just fine. The vet then told her, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
She went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a day or two."
She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, then you're going to want to stay off your bicycle for a few days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ms9fo/a_woman_found_out_that_her_dog_could_barely_hear/
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Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ms6ol/why_cant_orphans_play_baseball/
%
Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS

Obama: “We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.”
General: “You are forgetting something important sir.“
Obama: “No I am not.”
General: “Tanks, Obama.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ms4ci/obama_and_a_general_are_discussing_how_to_attack/
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I once went to a Japanese Tea ceremony...

It was steeped in tradition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ms3ju/i_once_went_to_a_japanese_tea_ceremony/
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I'd have to say, on a scale from 1 to Pee...

urinate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ms28b/id_have_to_say_on_a_scale_from_1_to_pee/
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What one food is known to decrease sex drive in women more than any other?

Wedding cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ms1bt/what_one_food_is_known_to_decrease_sex_drive_in/
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I saw an old coworker yesterday.

I asked him, "How's the ol' factory?" He told me it smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mrwuk/i_saw_an_old_coworker_yesterday/
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Why did the Nazis feed their farmers dog biscuits?

Because they were German Shepherds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mruze/why_did_the_nazis_feed_their_farmers_dog_biscuits/
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you dont know Jack Schitt!? NSFW(language)

You Don't Know Jack Schitt?
Jack Schitt
You Don't Know Jack Schitt?
Author Unknown
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
http://www.wambui-bahati.com/You-Dont-Know-Jack-Schitt.html
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.
So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mruiv/you_dont_know_jack_schitt_nsfwlanguage/
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I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mro9g/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_brown_rice_was_just/
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Why are test tube manufacturers always single?

People just seem to find them vial!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mrnlr/why_are_test_tube_manufacturers_always_single/
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Why is religion like mobile gaming?

Free-to-pray, pray-to-win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mrmsm/why_is_religion_like_mobile_gaming/
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A landscaper's favourite musical genre?

Mow-town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mrf9s/a_landscapers_favourite_musical_genre/
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The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mrc5o/the_american_education_system_obviously_listen_to/
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I'm going to major in Marijuana when I go to college...

I hear it's a growing field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mr6g1/im_going_to_major_in_marijuana_when_i_go_to/
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What's the difference between a regular horse and a police horse?

A police horse has an extra asshole on top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mr5vl/whats_the_difference_between_a_regular_horse_and/
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Unfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day.

So Yung.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mr59r/unfortunately_i_lost_my_korean_friend_the_other/
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What's the difference between Sesame Street and Leonardo DiCaprio?

Sesame Street has an Oscar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mqv4k/whats_the_difference_between_sesame_street_and/
%
How do you top a truck?

tep on the brake tupid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mqt67/how_do_you_top_a_truck/
%
I think I'm about to be molested by an alpaca...

Today some guy on the street kept screaming at me to "be ready for the alpaca lips"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mqsvw/i_think_im_about_to_be_molested_by_an_alpaca/
%
What difference does an "A" make?

Between NASA and NSA--it's astronomical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mqr8c/what_difference_does_an_a_make/
%
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's gonna take me a while to get hard. I just got laid by a chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mqptv/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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I have sexdaily

I mean, I have dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mqhxp/i_have_sexdaily/
%
An angry wife storms up to her husband.

Wife: Our son just called me a bitch.
Husband: That son of a bitch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mqhr1/an_angry_wife_storms_up_to_her_husband/
%
How does the moon get a haircut?

Eclipse it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mqacb/how_does_the_moon_get_a_haircut/
%
Why was the Moon in a bad mood?

It was just going through one of its phases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mq0ev/why_was_the_moon_in_a_bad_mood/
%
Here's another pizza delivery joke

Actually, you'll get it in 30-45 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mq080/heres_another_pizza_delivery_joke/
%
A young boy gets in trouble at school...

A young boy known for getting in trouble in school comes home late one day and his father asks him, "Why are you home so late from school?"
"Mrs. Daniels made me stay after class because I got in trouble"
"What did you do?"
"We were going over multiplication and she asked me what 3 x 2 was, I answered 6. Then she asked me what 2 x 3 was"
"Thats the same fucking thing!" yelled the father.
"I know! That's what I told her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mpzuw/a_young_boy_gets_in_trouble_at_school/
%
A boy wishes to be Batman...

One day, a small ten year old boy was playing with his favorite Batman action figures in his attic when he found a strange lamp. Noticing how dusty it was, he decided to polish it a little. Before he knew it, out flew a magic genie.
"Greetings!" said the genie. "In exchange for freeing me, I will grant you one wish."
Without skipping a beat, the boy said "I want to be Batman!"
Sighing and taking on a grim expression, the genie materialized a bandana and gun out of thin air. Taking on a sad tone and wrapping the bandana around his face, he beckoned the boy to follow him to the kitchen, where both of his parents were preparing a lovely meal for all three of them.
"Don't look away," said the genie, as he proceeded to then shoot both of the boy's parents in the head. As the boy kneeled over their corpses, the genie poofed away.
When the cops arrived, the boy told them his story, which they remarkably believed. One detective turned to the other, with only one thing to say.
"Thank God he didn't wish to be Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mpzf8/a_boy_wishes_to_be_batman/
%
I heard they found water on Mars...

I bet California is pretty jealous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mpxym/i_heard_they_found_water_on_mars/
%
Wife's Campaign

My wife has wasted years campaigning for tampon companies to make sanitary products suitable for the 'larger' lady.
I'm trying to convince her that it's time to just throw in the towel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mpxky/wifes_campaign/
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Farting in front of gf's family

A high school senior is going to pick up a girl for their first date and meet her family. While he was sitting with her father and mother waiting for the girl to finish getting ready, he had felt a sudden case of the bubble guts overtake him. Knowing that there was no way he could hold a fart in, he begrudgingly let it go. A few moments go by and the father makes a face, clearly suggesting that he could smell it. That's when he looks at the family dog, who was sitting next to the boy, and growls "Rover!" Realizing the boy could pawn his smells off onto the dog, he farts a few more times and every time the dad would scold the dog. After releasing one of the biggest farts of the night, the dad exclaims "Rover! Get over here before that boy shits all over you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mpvfu/farting_in_front_of_gfs_family/
%
Have you heard the one about the late pizza guy?

Just gotta work on the delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mpvd5/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_late_pizza_guy/
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What's better than roses on your piano

Tulips on your organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mpmgn/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
Go up to a guy in a bar and whisper “hey do you wanna get out of here?”

and if he says yes, you can sit where he was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mplhb/go_up_to_a_guy_in_a_bar_and_whisper_hey_do_you/
%
What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?

I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mpksj/what_did_the_valley_girl_say_when_her_pen_ran_out/
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How do you make your wife scream during sex?

You call and tell her about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mph3m/how_do_you_make_your_wife_scream_during_sex/
%
I call my weed the Quran....

Because burning that shit will get you stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mpgn0/i_call_my_weed_the_quran/
%
Confucious say...

Confucious say a boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mp6m1/confucious_say/
%
How does a train eat?

It goes chew chew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mp6g5/how_does_a_train_eat/
%
A guy's brought into a psych ward for an evaluation.

Guy: Doc, I'm not crazy.
Doc: That's something crazy people say.
Guy: But...okay, so what if I say I *am* crazy?
Doc: I'd trust your judgment.
Guy: So what the hell do sane people say???
Doc: 'My insurance doesn't cover this.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mp418/a_guys_brought_into_a_psych_ward_for_an_evaluation/
%
Animals in Australia

There are 2 kinds of animals in Australia:
* Those that want to eat you
* Sheeps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mp169/animals_in_australia/
%
What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

Nice belt. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mp0pu/what_did_the_number_0_say_to_the_number_8/
%
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention..

so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3moxtg/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class_and_she_sees_that/
%
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3moufp/the_teacher_asked_jimmy_why_is_your_cat_at_school/
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My mate got busted stealing a calendar the other day.

He got 12 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mosj4/my_mate_got_busted_stealing_a_calendar_the_other/
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What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They are both meat substitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mop57/what_do_tofu_and_a_dildo_have_in_common/
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The farmer ordered a new bull

Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.
The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows."
The second bull chimes in, "I know that's right. He's not touching any of my 250 cows."
The third bull, the youngest of the bunch, pipes up and says "I've only been here a year, I know I'm not as big and strong as you guys but I've earned my 10 cows and he's not getting a single one!"
About this time, a large truck pulling a trailer backs in to the ranch and begins to unload a 4,000 pound monster of a bull. He is so big that the steel ramp is bending with every step he takes.
The youngest bull begins huffing and grunting and scraping the ground with his foot. The oldest bull looks at him and says "Son, use your head. Give up a few cows and live to tell about it."
The youngest bull replies "Hell, he can have all of my cows, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3moosw/the_farmer_ordered_a_new_bull/
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A guy once told me that his favorite pastime was calculating averages.

I asked him, "What do you mean?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3moong/a_guy_once_told_me_that_his_favorite_pastime_was/
%
Find out this one weird trick fishermen use.

Click bait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3monwp/find_out_this_one_weird_trick_fishermen_use/
%
4 nuns dies in a car crash

And stands in line at the pearly gates, soon they are greated by st. Peter who asks the first nun, if she had sinned, and she answers truthfully, i once grace a penis with my littlefinger, and St. Peter says: wash your finger in this bowl of holy water and you may proceed. The second nun is asked the same question, and confesses to having given a handjob. and she is asked to wash her hands in the bowl. the 4th nun cuts in front of the third, and St. Peter asks why she is in such a hurry? "well i got to wash my mouth before she washes her ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mol2y/4_nuns_dies_in_a_car_crash/
%
What is the best way to pick up American girls?

With a crane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mokxb/what_is_the_best_way_to_pick_up_american_girls/
%
Sick at the Church

A little girl and her mother are at church when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
"Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way around the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mokdj/sick_at_the_church/
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The wife

My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets...
She'll be back when she's hungry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3moda4/the_wife/
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What do you call a friendly Chinese man who gives out free firewood?

Kind Ling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3moa8v/what_do_you_call_a_friendly_chinese_man_who_gives/
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I don't understand all of this Chris Brown hype.

After all his music isn't even that good, his only decent hit was Rihanna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mo3tp/i_dont_understand_all_of_this_chris_brown_hype/
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Slightly adapted for translation

A black guy walks into a gun shop and asks the fellow behind the counter:
-Do you have rifles?
-No.
-Do you have shotguns?
-No.
-Pistols?
-No.
Confused, the black guy exits the shop and realizes the shop has all those items on display. Angered, he runs in and confronts the seller:
-What do you have against black people?!
-Rifles, shotguns, pistols...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mo3e1/slightly_adapted_for_translation/
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The moon isn't bloody anymore...

...guess it was only a short period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mnui0/the_moon_isnt_bloody_anymore/
%
What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mnuf7/whats_black_and_never_works/
%
You shouldn't kiss someone on January 1st

It's the first date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mnt3x/you_shouldnt_kiss_someone_on_january_1st/
%
What is the difference between a golfer and skydiver?

A golfer goes *whack* "damn" and a skydiver goes "damn" *whack*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mnq5j/what_is_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and/
%
A man is about to be killed...

A man is about to be killed and is brought to the town square.
The mayor of the town asks the man if he would like to be burned at the steak or have his head chopped off. The man replies that be would prefer to be burned. The mayor has seen many people killed and most select having their heads cut off, which is quick and somewhat painless. The mayor asks why and the man replies that a hot steak is better than a cold chop any day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mnq4d/a_man_is_about_to_be_killed/
%
I told a Catholic girl my penis is named Jesus...

...because it always rises on the third date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mnq3g/i_told_a_catholic_girl_my_penis_is_named_jesus/
%
How does Robin Williams go thrift shopping?

Good Will Hunting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mnmuo/how_does_robin_williams_go_thrift_shopping/
%
I bought some shoes...

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mnjcg/i_bought_some_shoes/
%
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him.  So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.  He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.  The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.  The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!!  I said I needed a hand saw!".  The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mng3l/construction_worker_on_the_5th_floor_of_a/
%
Past, Present and Future walk into a bar...

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mncrs/past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mnc6v/a_polish_immigrant_went_to_the_dmv_to_apply_for_a/
%
I started studying art history.

I'm really learning a lot.  This painter named 'Renaissance' is just amazing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mn8fo/i_started_studying_art_history/
%
Did you hear the joke about King Midas and King Oedipus?

It's pure, motherfucking gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mn6tk/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_king_midas_and_king/
%
Cold stew

A man walks into a diner, he see the special of the day, is cold stew and asks the waitress for a bowl of it. The waitress says "Sorry the guy at the next table just got the last bowl."
"Thats fine" he replies "Ill just have a cup of coffee" as he sits drinking the coffee he notices the guy at the next table eating a sandwich drinking a coffee but not touching the stew. He leans in and asks "are you going to eat that?"
"No, no, you can go ahead." the man says. He takes the stew and starts eatting, not great, but not terrible, and its free. About half way through the bowl he comes across a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, he up and vomits back into the bowl. The guy at the next table leans over and says "Yea, thats how far I made it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mn6ho/cold_stew/
%
Did I tell you I'm dating a midget?

I'm nuts over her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mn537/did_i_tell_you_im_dating_a_midget/
%
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river

...holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if **you're** going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want," and with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mn4p9/three_blondes_are_sitting_by_the_side_of_a_river/
%
This and That are both on summer break.

That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't give me the details.
i have no idea where this is going

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mn1zp/this_and_that_are_both_on_summer_break/
%
Rest in peace, boiling water.

You shall be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mn0bk/rest_in_peace_boiling_water/
%
Note on the fridge.

I came home from the golf course today.
The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:
"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore!  Gone to stay with my mother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...
What the hell is she talking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mmzs4/note_on_the_fridge/
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A helping hand...

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.  "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"  The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mmrus/a_helping_hand/
%
What do Hillbillies do for Halloween?

Pump kin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mmrqq/what_do_hillbillies_do_for_halloween/
%
If you call a group of lions a pride, and a group of crows a murder; what do you call a group of pedophiles?

The British Parliament

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mmqf1/if_you_call_a_group_of_lions_a_pride_and_a_group/
%
Hard work pays off in in the future

Laziness pays off now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mmmgg/hard_work_pays_off_in_in_the_future/
%
Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"

She replied:
"Beats the hell outta me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mmm91/rihanna_was_asked_why_do_you_think_chris_brown/
%
NASA have found out about an intelligent feline creature living on Mars.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.
Credit from /u/OneTap from https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3mkami/what_would_be_the_most_underwhelming_announcement/cvftmc3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mmiyh/nasa_have_found_out_about_an_intelligent_feline/
%
Why don't the Beastie Boys juggle vegetables anymore?

Because they kept making the beets... MMMMMM DROPPPPP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mmica/why_dont_the_beastie_boys_juggle_vegetables/
%
Two conspiracy theorists are flying on a plane to a convention when it crashes.

They find themselves before God and tell him "We are but humble men, and for all our life we have sought the truth. You are all-knowing, so you know all the answers."
"What is your question?"
"We would really like to know who was really behind the 9/11".
"Osama bin Laden and the Al Qaeda as a part of a plot to destabilize the United States."
"Holy shit, dude." whispers one of them to another. "This goes even deeper than we first thought"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mmia6/two_conspiracy_theorists_are_flying_on_a_plane_to/
%
Bill Gates Asked Arnold Schwarzenegger if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10, he replied:

I still love vista, baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mmhmm/bill_gates_asked_arnold_schwarzenegger_if_he/
%
So two stags are walking home from a gay bar.

One looks at the other and says "I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks back there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mmduy/so_two_stags_are_walking_home_from_a_gay_bar/
%
My friend told me that he was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I bought him a snickers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mmb5p/my_friend_told_me_that_he_was_diagnosed_with/
%
Snoring comes easily to me.

In fact, I can do it in my sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mmajr/snoring_comes_easily_to_me/
%
A kid goes to a party...

A kid goes to party…
When he arrives, he is immediately stopped at the front door by a large group of people who, like him, are all trying to get inside. He can hear the music so he waits, thinking the party just started. Well, ten minutes go by and nothing really changes. Everyone seems to be standing in the same place. Now frustrated, he leaves and attempts to sneak in through the backdoor, but yet again… there is another damn crowd of kids blocking the doorway. Another ten minutes go by… followed by another… he tries to squeeze his way through but no one will budge, not even an inch. After waiting over forty-five minutes he finally has enough. He can’t take it anymore. He screams at the top of his lungs: “WHAT THE HELL IS EVERYONE WAITING FOR?!?!”
The kid in front of him turns and says: “This is the punch line, dude.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mm84k/a_kid_goes_to_a_party/
%
What do Harry Potter and Kermit the frog have in common?

Hogwarts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mm4rc/what_do_harry_potter_and_kermit_the_frog_have_in/
%
I want to get a job cleaning mirrors

It's just something I could see myself doing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mm362/i_want_to_get_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
%
How do you get into Heaven?

When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" Tim answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, Tim answered, "NO!"
The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.
Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A very confident young Tim shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mlytc/how_do_you_get_into_heaven/
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Why couldn't Diablo get his bros out of jail?

He couldn't pay for Baal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mlyg6/why_couldnt_diablo_get_his_bros_out_of_jail/
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How many doors are on a chicken coop?

Two.
If it had four, it would be a sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mlw7i/how_many_doors_are_on_a_chicken_coop/
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It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I'd say "I don't believe in Hell."

But then I got married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mlvbl/it_used_to_be_that_when_people_would_tell_me_to/
%
Why doesn't the guy with OCD ever get laid?

Because when he turns his girlfriend on he has to turn her off again three times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mltw2/why_doesnt_the_guy_with_ocd_ever_get_laid/
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?

You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mlrw0/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
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why do they put gates around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mlq4k/why_do_they_put_gates_around_a_graveyard/
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A girl tells her parents she's pregnant

. The Mom goes ape shit and says "you call that bastard over here right now!".
Later that evening a distinguished gentleman in his 40's arrives in a Lamborghini. He gets out of the car and approaches the girl's parents who are understandably furious.
Distinguished Gentleman: "Hi folks, your daughter has informed me of the news and I just want to tell you that although I cannot marry your daughter or remain in the child's life due to my current career situation I can promise you the child will be taken care of financially. If it's a girl, I will leave her a bank account with $200,000 in it and the ownership of several hair salons. If it's a boy i will leave him a bank account with $300,000 in it and ownership of a shopping plaza. If it's twins I will leave a joint bank account of $500,000 and ownership of multiple real estate apartments. However, if it's a miscarriage"-
-At that point the Father steps in and says "You'll fuck her again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mlpbd/a_girl_tells_her_parents_shes_pregnant/
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"Bro, that last chick was hot but...

...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp."
Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.
Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get for a nickel?
Manager: "Well, we have a live peep show you can jack off to."
The man goes to a corridor where a bunch of dudes were looking thru peep holes. He looks into one and sees a beautiful woman fucking a dog.
Man: "Holy crap. This is insane!"
Another guy next to him said: " No man, this is nothing. Just awhile ago, we saw this dude fucking a chimp!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mllr4/bro_that_last_chick_was_hot_but/
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Why do sheep love Star Wars Episode V?

Because Dey-go-bah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mlkg2/why_do_sheep_love_star_wars_episode_v/
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What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
^^^...
^^^I ^^^know, ^^^I ^^^know, ^^^/r/dadjokes ^^^is ^^^thataway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mlg0w/whats_the_difference_between_a_cranky_twoyearold/
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Why can't siamese twins be trusted to render fair judgments?

Because they're always partial.
I'm so sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mlenf/why_cant_siamese_twins_be_trusted_to_render_fair/
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I remember my pops once saying 'son, wanking will make you blind.'

I said: 'dad, I'm over here'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mlel8/i_remember_my_pops_once_saying_son_wanking_will/
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What did the priest say before eating his salad?

"Lettuce pray"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ml5eb/what_did_the_priest_say_before_eating_his_salad/
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When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ml2jk/when_my_mom_told_me_to_stop_acting_like_a_flamingo/
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A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:
"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"
The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:
"Nah, the stakes are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ml257/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a gamer and a pot of boiling water?

A pot of boiling water doesn't get salty when you put a tea-bag in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mkzws/whats_the_difference_between_a_gamer_and_a_pot_of/
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A dying man tells his son his last wishes

Dad: After I die, tell everyone I died of Aids.
Son: But Dad, you don't have Aids. You got Cancer.
Dad: I know, but your Mom is getting all flirty. The bitch is already wearing those skimpy clothes like a skank & I'm not even dead yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mkre6/a_dying_man_tells_his_son_his_last_wishes/
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The whale jizz on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for everything."
I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek
"You're whale cum"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mknn6/the_whale_jizz_on_my_doorstep/
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School is like a boner..

It's long and hard unless you're Asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mkm2i/school_is_like_a_boner/
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Whatever you do, always give 100%

Unless you're donating blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mkij9/whatever_you_do_always_give_100/
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Someone told me flowers had sex organs...

....what a load of Poppycock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mkid8/someone_told_me_flowers_had_sex_organs/
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IT HURTS !!!!!!!

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you - you’ve broken your finger!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mkflg/it_hurts/
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What does the sun and cleavage have in common?

You can look at both for a second, but if want to stare you need to wear sunglasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mkfda/what_does_the_sun_and_cleavage_have_in_common/
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I design castles. AMA!

For this AMA, I'd like to focus on rampart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mkf4o/i_design_castles_ama/
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THE BIGGEST LIE

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mkdkf/the_biggest_lie/
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Vaginas are like weather. When it's wet, it's time to go inside



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mkcka/vaginas_are_like_weather_when_its_wet_its_time_to/
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A man goes to a mental hospital to visit his elderly mother...

when upon entering, he sees a man making beeping noises and waving his arms around. "what are you doing?", he asks.
"I'm driving a car. Can't you see?"
"Actually, you're in a mental hospital and your car doesn't exi-"
Then suddenly someone shouted out "Don't tell him! I get $20 by washing his car!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mk8wc/a_man_goes_to_a_mental_hospital_to_visit_his/
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Oman and Yemen should switch names

because if you find out you're gonna live in Oman, you go "yeah man!!"
but if you find out you're gonna live in Yemen, you go "oh man..."
Im so sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mk788/oman_and_yemen_should_switch_names/
%
What kind of overalls does Mario wear?

Denim denim denim..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mk6o4/what_kind_of_overalls_does_mario_wear/
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The independent and autonomous Hungarian

(This is a Romanian joke, but I'll try to explain the context and translate it for you because I think is a great joke worth knowing
**Context:** In Romania there is a region called Transylvania, which represents 1/3 of the country that was under Hungarian occupation for about 50 years. Now it is a part of Romania, but there is a lot of Hungarian population living there that still dreams about being an independent country, so they consider themselves Hungarians, Romanians call them Hungarians, but they are in fact Romanians with Hungarian names. Obviously this is a source for a lot of conflicts and jokes in our country, like the one below.)
**----------------------------------------**
There was this Hungarian guy and he was to be married with a Romanian girl and his father instructs the guy how to act with his young bride:
- When you get in front of the door with your bride, lift her up in your arms so she can see the Hungarian is STRONG, then get in the room and throw her on the bed contemptuously so she can see the Hungarian is PROUD, then you get naked in front of her so she can see the Hungarian is HANDSOME and then you know what you have to do, right?
- Right dad, says the young groom.
The next day they meet and the father asks the son about his wedding night.  And he starts describing his night:
- Well, I crossed her over the doorstep in my arms to show her that I am strong. Then I threw her on the bed contemptuously to show her I am proud, then I got naked to show her I am handsome and then I masturbated in front of her.
- What the fuck??? Why would you do that? the father asks
- To show her that the Hungarian is INDEPENDENT and AUTONOMOUS, of course ...
**----------------------------------------**
Also I am Romanian, and my new boyfriend is Hungarian, and after the first night of sex I just couldn't stop myself from saying this after the deed was done:
- Not so  INDEPENDENT and AUTONOMOUS now, are you?
(Sorry for the long joke, imagine there's a potato here)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mk579/the_independent_and_autonomous_hungarian/
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Has anyone seen the movie "Constipation"?

Oh that's right, it hasn't come out yet.
It's probably shit anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mk2ab/has_anyone_seen_the_movie_constipation/
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Do you know why Santa Claus ain't got not babies?

He only comes once a year, and it's down the chimney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mjybr/do_you_know_why_santa_claus_aint_got_not_babies/
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What do lonely terrorists have sex with?

Blow-up dolls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mjtr9/what_do_lonely_terrorists_have_sex_with/
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How do Muslim women get wrinkles off their faces?

Fabric softener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mjs6h/how_do_muslim_women_get_wrinkles_off_their_faces/
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says,”This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has passed out and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw – you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mjr84/dave_was_bragging_to_his_boss_one_day/
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My friend just sent me this one.

> To the person who stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you!
> You have my Word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mjpa8/my_friend_just_sent_me_this_one/
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Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.

Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mjk7q/breaking_news_a_ship_carrying_red_paint_just/
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Why did the philanthropist learn how to subtract?

Because he wanted to make a difference.
My first original,  time for open mic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mjeqg/why_did_the_philanthropist_learn_how_to_subtract/
%
I saw on a Viagra bottle "Keep away from Children"

What kind of a man do they think I am?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mjaw6/i_saw_on_a_viagra_bottle_keep_away_from_children/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Trick question, feminists can't change anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mjak0/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What religion still believes in the Big Bang? [x-post from /r/imgoingtohellforthis]

Islam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mj7hx/what_religion_still_believes_in_the_big_bang/
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An officer and a DUI

Having had a good lashing of booze at a village pub, a good local boy gets in his car to drive home. He's swerving all over the place, barely missing tree after tree. A police patrol spots him, pulls him over and ask the man to step out of the car.
"Excuse me sir, we have reason to believe you have been driving whilst under the influence of alcohol and will need you to submit to a breathalyser test. Please put your mouth over the mouthpiece and blow in hard until I say stop" the officer recites.
Our boy thinks quickly
"I can't do that I'm afraid officer, I have sever emphysema from working in the mines, and cannot exhale strongly for any amount of time that would be useful to yourself and your instrument"
The officer thinks for a second, and accepts the man's excuse.
"In that case sir, we'll need you to provide a urine sample so we can gauge your alcohol level"
Again, thinking on his feet
"I'm terrible sorry but I can't do that either, I have an enlarged prostate and can't pass urine so easily. Indeed, I require the use of..."
"Ok, ok", says the officer, "in that case we'll need to draw a blood sample to be analysed"
Things are getting difficult, but the man comes up with another excuse!
"It is with great chagrin that I cannot oblige" explains the man "suffering from haemophilia, a single pin-prick can cause me to bleed for days. It is quite awful"
The officer has had about enough and goes to his car and bring back a piece of chalk. The officer proceeds to draw a white line down the side of the road about 20 feet long.
"Ok sir, I'll need you to walk down this white line I've drawn, right to the end, and then back again" demands the officer.
"Oh I'm afraid I can't do that either"
"And why not, sir!!?" exclaims the officer.
"Well, says the man, that's because I'm f*****g hammered!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mj515/an_officer_and_a_dui/
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I play Jenga on our first date

So she knows my pull out game is strong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mj41x/i_play_jenga_on_our_first_date/
%
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you

I will make it very fast.  I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.  Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undress himself."  So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?  She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mj32z/a_boss_said_to_his_secretary_i_want_to_have_sex/
%
Why does Darth Vader hate cream in his coffee?

He likes it more on the dark side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mj1t9/why_does_darth_vader_hate_cream_in_his_coffee/
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Why do you only need one egg in France?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mj0am/why_do_you_only_need_one_egg_in_france/
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What's so cool about cemeteries?

I don't get it. People are dying to get in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mj00b/whats_so_cool_about_cemeteries/
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Why was the baby put in jail?

For resisting a rest.
^^^^I'll ^^^^take ^^^^my ^^^^coat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3miz8c/why_was_the_baby_put_in_jail/
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My friend "Jesus wasn't that special"...

After he said that I say "but he made thousands of people bread"
He turns back to me and says "so what, hitler made 6 million Jews toast"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mixfg/my_friend_jesus_wasnt_that_special/
%
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3misd3/how_did_darth_vader_know_what_luke_was_getting/
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If Nefertiti owned a topless bar which served tea

she could have marketed her business with t-shirts. You could call them 'Nefertiti's titties, tease, teas, and tees.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3miq3a/if_nefertiti_owned_a_topless_bar_which_served_tea/
%
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mioq3/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/
%
What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with cardboard?

Pillow fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mim06/what_do_you_call_two_homeless_people_hitting_each/
%
Eskimo: If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?

Priest: No, not if you don't know
Eskimo: Then why did you tell me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mih11/eskimo_if_i_did_not_know_about_god_and_sin_would/
%
I haven't lost my virginity yet

Because I never lose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3migza/i_havent_lost_my_virginity_yet/
%
A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof,
falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel
so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze.
The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to
a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room
to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so
he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk
and immerses himself for immediate relief.
The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing
and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims,
"So that's how you guys load those things!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3migfi/a_guy_finally_gets_a_date_with_an_easy_blonde/
%
Why was the necrophiliac depressed?

His rotten girlfriend split on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mifub/why_was_the_necrophiliac_depressed/
%
Cigarettes are like hamsters

Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mie5o/cigarettes_are_like_hamsters/
%
This guy in an overcoat walks up to two old nuns on a bench

and opens up his coat to reveal he's completely naked underneath. One of the nuns has a stroke.
The other one couldn't reach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mid2x/this_guy_in_an_overcoat_walks_up_to_two_old_nuns/
%
How many black people does it take to start a riot?

-1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mic46/how_many_black_people_does_it_take_to_start_a_riot/
%
How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?

He thinks one step ahead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mibal/how_does_a_carpenter_effectively_build_stairs/
%
How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts?

"LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mia28/how_do_you_pump_up_a_room_full_of_shy_introverts/
%
Her: I told you! Two beers and you're home at 10!

Him: Oh, it was this way around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mi5k6/her_i_told_you_two_beers_and_youre_home_at_10/
%
So a blind man walks into a store.

A blind man walks into a store with his guide dog.
A few moments later, the blind man lifts the dog up and swirls it around him.
The store clerk quickly yelled "What the hell are you doing?!"
Politely, the blind man said: "Just looking around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mhybo/so_a_blind_man_walks_into_a_store/
%
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

I lost my tractor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mhvvn/what_did_the_farmer_say_when_he_lost_his_tractor/
%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mhtgt/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
%
Did you hear that the Apple CEO announced he was gay?

The next day the Samsung CEO also announced he was gay and waterproof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mhsnh/did_you_hear_that_the_apple_ceo_announced_he_was/
%
Why did ancient Egyptians shave their heads?

To be more pharaohdynamic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mhjsf/why_did_ancient_egyptians_shave_their_heads/
%
Did ypu know premature ejaculations are hereditary?

It comes in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mh2ug/did_ypu_know_premature_ejaculations_are_hereditary/
%
I don't mind showing up to work

But this 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mgxc1/i_dont_mind_showing_up_to_work/
%
10 Ways to disguise Click Bait!



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mgvzb/10_ways_to_disguise_click_bait/
%
My wife ran off with my best friend...

Boy, do I miss him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mguz3/my_wife_ran_off_with_my_best_friend/
%
How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mgrbo/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
My nihilist best friend has poor self esteem

he just doesn't believe in himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mgr9k/my_nihilist_best_friend_has_poor_self_esteem/
%
A joke about Reddit's censorship policy.

<removed>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mgmuu/a_joke_about_reddits_censorship_policy/
%
Where does Wonder Woman buy all her stuff?

Amazon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mgmjn/where_does_wonder_woman_buy_all_her_stuff/
%
I was suffering from constipation the other day but I really didn't care

In fact, I didn't even give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mghnw/i_was_suffering_from_constipation_the_other_day/
%
I was walking through a cemetery,

and I saw a guy crouched behind a gravestone, so I said "morning", to which he replied "no just taking a shit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mgc00/i_was_walking_through_a_cemetery/
%
I got really hungry when we visited the Alpaca Farm,

next time Alpaca lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mg9t5/i_got_really_hungry_when_we_visited_the_alpaca/
%
"This is your Captain speaking..."

"...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mg87m/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
%
A grizzly walks in to a bar and orders a beer.

The bartended asks "hey you 21?"
"Bearly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mg6rs/a_grizzly_walks_in_to_a_bar_and_orders_a_beer/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?

He kept himself up at night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mg5qu/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_atheist/
%
I was addicted to hokey pokey.

But I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mfzdh/i_was_addicted_to_hokey_pokey/
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How can you tell if a hippy came to your house?

He's still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mfz00/how_can_you_tell_if_a_hippy_came_to_your_house/
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Have you seen that new film about a tractor?

Me neither, just saw the trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mfxyc/have_you_seen_that_new_film_about_a_tractor/
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A man is in court

.
The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!"
The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"
He replied "He is my next door neighbor".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".
The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have a hammer!!
*edit : Reformatted for your reading pleasure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mfwlp/a_man_is_in_court/
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Knock Knock

Who's there?
Ye Old Lady.
Ye Old Lady Who?
Never knew you could yodle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mfqq1/knock_knock/
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A man goes to get a few things for his wife before their party

On his way back from the store a beautiful blonde woman starts flirting with him out of nowhere. Him and his wife haven't been getting along lately and he finds himself flirting back with her, suddenly hooking up with her and finally finding himself the next morning in her apartment naked,
Desperate, he shakes her awake and yells
"Where's baby powder do you have any baby powder?"
She tells him where it is and he gets it, shakes some of it on his hands and runs as fast as he can back to his place. Once he's home his wife is standing there looking mad as all hell, so he explains,
"Listen, baby, I'm so sorry I missed your party, I met this beautiful blonde girl and we fucked like rabbits all night long-"
When she grabbed his hand and looks at him and says
"Don't give me that shit! you've been out bowling all night haven't you?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mfkg2/a_man_goes_to_get_a_few_things_for_his_wife/
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What's the difference between a jew and a Canoe?

Canoes tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mfgqr/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_canoe/
%
What kills thousands of smokers a year?

Natural Causes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mfg9g/what_kills_thousands_of_smokers_a_year/
%
What's black and white and red all over?

A penguin dating Chris Brown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mfg94/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
%
Why do Russian cars have such a bad rep?

Because they're always Stalin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mfer2/why_do_russian_cars_have_such_a_bad_rep/
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A man had a tapeworm and went to the doctor.

... to get it removed. The doctor said "I know exactly what to do, come back next week and bring me a lemon cookie and an apple." so the man did this. He gave the apple and the lemon cookie to the doctor and he told the man to drop his pants and bend over. First he shoved the apple up the man's bottom and then waited a minute. Then he shoved the lemon cookie up his butt and then told him he was finished but to come back next week with an apple and a lemon cookie. The man did this. Once again the doctor told him to drop his pants and bend over. He inserted an apple, waited a minute, inserted a lemon cookie and then informed the man that he was finished and to come back next week with an apple and a lemon cookie.
The man began looking noticeably frustrated.
The next week the man, reluctantly showed up with the apple and the lemon cookie and the doctor did the exact same thing and when he was finished the man said "Hold up, this treatment is NOT working, the tapeworm is still in there and if I can be perfectly honest, I am getting pretty fucking tired of shoving apples and lemon cookies up my ass!"
The doctor said "Not to worry, next week will be your final treatment, bring me an apple and a hammer." the man glared at him, obviously worried that he was going to shove that hammer up his ass.
The next week rolled around and the man did what he was told once again.
The doctor told him to drop his pants.
He inserted the apple.
waited a minute.
waited another minute.
during the third minute, the little tapework stuck his little head out of the man's butthole and said "Hey, where is my lemon cookie?" and before the worm could finish it's sentence proper, the doctor had smashed it's head in with the hammer.
The End.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mfdve/a_man_had_a_tapeworm_and_went_to_the_doctor/
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I'm getting really sick of all this hate for Donald Trump.

It isn't nice to make fun of mentally ill people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mfdpl/im_getting_really_sick_of_all_this_hate_for/
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What did the Jew with a boner say when he bumped into a wall?

Oowwww...my nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mfbm2/what_did_the_jew_with_a_boner_say_when_he_bumped/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mf696/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Where do amputee's go out to eat?

IHop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mf5x0/where_do_amputees_go_out_to_eat/
%
How can you tell this joke was submitted by a woman?

No, wait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mf5c1/how_can_you_tell_this_joke_was_submitted_by_a/
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What do you call a pile of kittens?

A Meowntain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mf18d/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_kittens/
%
Why is milk so fast?

Because it's pasteurized before you see it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mf110/why_is_milk_so_fast/
%
What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit the frog's finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mezt9/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
%
A group of primary school students were participating in a local spelling bee.

A keen young boy steps before the judges and is told, "Your word is spider."
Not quite sure as to how to spell it, the boy asks, "Could you please use it in a sentence?"
A judge replies, "A spider has eight eyes."
The boy then states, "S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mevyc/a_group_of_primary_school_students_were/
%
What would you get if Harry Potter tried to kill Darth Vader?

*A Vader Cadaver*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mess8/what_would_you_get_if_harry_potter_tried_to_kill/
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A man finds a hair in his chicken noodle soup...NSFW

He tells his waitress "fuck you" and leaves without paying. The waitress watches him leave and go across the street to a hotel.
After her shift, she goes to the hotel and explains the situation to the agent at the front desk. The agent is sympathetic and tells her the man's room number.
She goes to knock, but notices the door is already cracked open. She opens the door and sees the man performing oral sex on a woman with a hairy vagina.
"You sick fuck!" says the waitress, "You can eat hairy pussy, but you walk out on your tab because of a SINGLE hair in your soup?!"
The man wipes his mouth and says:
"Trust me sweetheart... If I find a noodle in this woman's cunt, I won't pay for this either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3meoml/a_man_finds_a_hair_in_his_chicken_noodle_soupnsfw/
%
Did you hear about those 3 guys who stole a Calender?

They each got 4 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3meigb/did_you_hear_about_those_3_guys_who_stole_a/
%
Why did the leper fail his driving test?

He left his foot on the clutch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3meha9/why_did_the_leper_fail_his_driving_test/
%
What type of overalls does Mario wear?

Denim denim denim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3medc1/what_type_of_overalls_does_mario_wear/
%
My mom wanted to send me to a program last summer for people with ADHD...

It was called a Concentration Camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3me9nt/my_mom_wanted_to_send_me_to_a_program_last_summer/
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You know why I quit working at the sausage factory?

It was the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3me3wd/you_know_why_i_quit_working_at_the_sausage_factory/
%
What do the mafia and a vagina have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3me3l6/what_do_the_mafia_and_a_vagina_have_in_common/
%
The first time they took their son to a nude beach

the kid became wide eyed when he noticed all the naked ladies. Then he asked why some ladies' boobs were much larger than some other ladies' boobs. Mom, wanting to give a quick answer, said some women were not very smart but had big boobs to compensate.
Then he noticed how some men had large dicks and some had little ones. Mom, again, to get past the subject, said some men were not very smart, but had big dicks to compensate. The kid walks away, satisfied with his new knowledge.
Soon he came running back. "Mom, mom", he yells. "Dad is over there talking to a really dumb woman, and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3me1e3/the_first_time_they_took_their_son_to_a_nude_beach/
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The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mdzae/the_united_states_ruined_hiroshima_which_american/
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I didn't think that pigs could fly...

But then I found out that Donald Trump had a private jet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mdxz2/i_didnt_think_that_pigs_could_fly/
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My friend is into necrophilia, pedophilia and beastiality.

It’s not as bad as it sounds, he just fucks scrambled eggs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mdou1/my_friend_is_into_necrophilia_pedophilia_and/
%
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I don't think I can ever repay you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mdmue/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/
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Once upon a time there were two identical twins

Once upon a time there were two (as opposed to three) identical twins, who, in defiance of all we know about the genetic basis of intelligence, were anything but identical mentally. One of them was, quite frankly, stupid, while the other was very sharp indeed. In fact, he was a master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
One evening the stupid twin went to a circus that happened to be in town. He went early so he could get a good seat in the front row, right beside the ring, and he thoroughly enjoyed the experience. He marvelled at the elephants, cowered from the lions, and gaped at the trapeze artists in their skimpy costumes; he reacted exactly the way he was meant to.
Last of all, on came the clowns. They were his favourite bit of the circus. All that falling over, all that water, all those custard pies - it was hilarious. The lead clown was the most ludicrous of the lot: he had bigger shoes, baggier trousers, brighter make-up and the most enormous red nose. And part of the lead clown's job was to make fun of people in the audience.
So the clown looked around for someone to hassle, and saw a rather stupid-looking man sitting right in the front row. Ideal. He went up to the stupid twin and said:
"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"
The stupid man sat there wishing that he hadn't come, wishing that the clown would go away and pick on someone else. He knew he wasn't very intelligent, and he knew he would come out of this looking very foolish. But he spoke up. "No," he said.
"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.
"No, I'm not," the stupid man replied.
"Then, sir," the clown said slowly, letting the audience savour the moment, "you are no end of an ass!"
The audience, having a fairly poor sense of humour, erupted into laughter. The stupid man just wished he could die. Fortunately for him, the show was soon over.
When he got home, the stupid man told his brother what had happened.
"Don't worry," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee, "I am a master of ready wit and stunning repartee. Tomorrow night I will go to the circus and make that clown look foolish."
So the next night, the master of ready wit and stunning repartee went to the circus, and got a front row seat. Being an intelligent man, he was considerably less impressed by the sight of dumb animals being made to do tricks, although he had to admit that the trapeze artists were rather tasty.
Then the clowns came out, and the one with the biggest shoes, baggiest trousers, brightest make-up and most ludicrously over-sized nose looked around the audience for someone to make fun of. He could not believe his luck. There, sitting in the front row, was the stupid man he'd got such a laugh out of the night before. So the clown approached the master of ready wit and stunning repartee and asked:
"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"
"No," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.
"No, I'm not," replied the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
"Then, sir," said the clown, "you are no end of an ass!" The crowd went wild with laughter. The joke went down even better than it had the night before, and the clown felt on top of the world.
But just then the master of ready wit and stunning repartee stood up, smiled sadistically and said:
"Fuck off, you red-nosed bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mdjat/once_upon_a_time_there_were_two_identical_twins/
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Master yoda are we on the right path...

...off course,we are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mdhmh/master_yoda_are_we_on_the_right_path/
%
What's the difference between a feminist and a knife?

The knife has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mdep8/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
%
Never trust an atom...

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mde1s/never_trust_an_atom/
%
How's a fart and a teenager alike?

Because once you go to sleep, you can't trust either of them to not sneak out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3md9ud/hows_a_fart_and_a_teenager_alike/
%
What has two legs and can't stand up?

Half a cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3md290/what_has_two_legs_and_cant_stand_up/
%
Presidents go to meet God

So, one day, God gives special consideration and let 3 world leaders visit him.
After many things,  Australian president ask: when can people of Australia live in complete harmony?
God: in 50 years.
So, president becomes sad, says: I can't wish to live that long.
Second comes, UK PM. He ask the same question at some point as well.
God: in 100 years.
PM: I can't wish to live that long.
3rd comes US President.
President: when can people of USA live in complete harmony?
God: I can't wish to live that long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3md197/presidents_go_to_meet_god/
%
What is the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go into a convenience store without Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mczbc/what_is_the_difference_between_batman_and_a_black/
%
2 programmers hire a prostitute

They are about to get busy with her, but she says,
"I'm not doing it with both of you at once!"
"Why not?" one of the programmers asks.
She replies, "because i'm an exclusive or."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mcy8t/2_programmers_hire_a_prostitute/
%
I bought my son a puppy...

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday but I accidentally ran him over as I was backing out my driveway. At least I still have the puppy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mcxs5/i_bought_my_son_a_puppy/
%
A group of bikers see a girl about to jump from a bridge.

Their leader gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," He also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give me your last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, The biker leader gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mcvav/a_group_of_bikers_see_a_girl_about_to_jump_from_a/
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What do feminists search for on scavenger hunts?

Reasons to be offended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mcl2h/what_do_feminists_search_for_on_scavenger_hunts/
%
A wife with a drinking problem

An angry wife was complaining about her husband, Paddy, spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, Paddy ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!"  she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"  "Well, there you go!" cried Paddy. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Full Disclosure: This is not my joke I found it in an old magazine and thought Reddit would enjoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mck6y/a_wife_with_a_drinking_problem/
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What do you call a marijuana induced tragedy?

Blunt Trauma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mcgjt/what_do_you_call_a_marijuana_induced_tragedy/
%
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary??

Yeah, it runs in your jeans...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mcfrb/did_you_know_that_diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
Heaven meeting year 2015

Every year in heaven jesus and the apostles gather up for a meeting to discuss about earth's problems.
The theme of the year is.. Drugs, they discuss about it for a while with no succes
and then it comes clear: they don't know the subject enought to fix it...
So Jesus tell his apostle to go back to earth, find all the drugs they can and bring back to him.
They all leave and after couple days start coming back.
First come back Peter , <<"knock knock"
- "Who's there?"
- "it's Peter"
- "Good Peter come in, what do you bring?" -
- "i bring some hashish from Morocco" >>
Then comes back James , <<"knock knock"
- "Who's there?"
- "it's James"
- "Good James come in, what do you bring?" -
- "i bring some cocaine from Colombia" >>
Also come back John with loads of Heroine , Bartholomew with a bag of amphetamynes
and so on all other apostles bring loads and loads of drugs 'till Judas knocks the door..
<<"knock knock"
- "Who's there?"
- "it's Judas"
- "Good Judas come in, what do you bring?" -
- "THE FUCKING POLICE, RAISE YOUR HANDS AND DON'T MOVE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!" >>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mcf1e/heaven_meeting_year_2015/
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Mark and his friend Michelle

go to a costume party. When they show up Michelle is clinging to Mark's back. Someone greets them and asks what they're supposed to be. Mark says that he's a snail. The other guy asks "who's on your back?" Mark replies "Michelle"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mcevj/mark_and_his_friend_michelle/
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Wife tells her husband that their 13-year-old son had sex with his teacher...

The wife demands the husband go upstairs and discipline the boy.  The husband goes up to the room, shuts the door and says "I heard you had sex with your teacher."
The boy sheepishly says, "yes, dad."
The dad whispers, "You're not in trouble.  I'm actually proud of you!  I didn't have sex with my teacher until I was a senior in high school!  You know that new bike you wanted?  Let's go get it."
So the dad takes the boy to the bike shop and buys him the new bike.
"How about you ride your new bike home, son," says the dad proudly.
"Naw, that's okay," the son replies.  "My ass is still a little sore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mccdv/wife_tells_her_husband_that_their_13yearold_son/
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The doctor said I had a bad case of kyphosis.

"Are you sure?" I said.
He replied, "Honestly, it's just a hunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mcahj/the_doctor_said_i_had_a_bad_case_of_kyphosis/
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I just held the door open for an Asian guy. He said, "Sank you," so I punched him in the face.

I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mc8hy/i_just_held_the_door_open_for_an_asian_guy_he/
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How many feet are in a yard?

Depends on how many people are standing in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mc7j4/how_many_feet_are_in_a_yard/
%
The Pope walks into a mosque

The Imam asks "Why the wrong faith?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mc7gm/the_pope_walks_into_a_mosque/
%
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mc74k/what_is_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn't close his casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mc0cm/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_died_of_a_viagra/
%
My girlfriend started pms-ing today.

I thinks it's just a big ovary action.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mbwgp/my_girlfriend_started_pmsing_today/
%
Have you heard of the beer Jesus made?

Its called Hebrew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mbwdi/have_you_heard_of_the_beer_jesus_made/
%
The iPhone 6S+ has been doing really well so far...

It seems to be a huge 6S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mbufc/the_iphone_6s_has_been_doing_really_well_so_far/
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Why can't you trust an atom?

Because they make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mbtia/why_cant_you_trust_an_atom/
%
An old man lays dying in his bed with all his close family gathered around him...

Dying man: My son... Are you here?
Son: Yes dad, I'm right here with you, our whole family is.
Dying man: Daughter, are you here too?
Daughter: Yes dad, I'm here with your grandchildren, we're all with you.
Dying man: What about my wife and brothers?
Wife and brothers: Us too, everyone is here with you.
Dying man: Then why is the fucking light still on in the living room?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mbt2m/an_old_man_lays_dying_in_his_bed_with_all_his/
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If you don't like oral sex

You should keep your mouth shut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mbs2g/if_you_dont_like_oral_sex/
%
"Talk dirty to me!"she begged.

"Alright," he said leaning closer, "Volkswagon diesel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mbo3z/talk_dirty_to_meshe_begged/
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Snails

A husband and wife have been at odds with each other over the husband's endless drinking and stopping out late. To get their marriage back on track, the wife decides to make a romantic french dinner with Snails to start so she sends her husband out saying 'right, please can you buy me these snails from town, be back home soon and, for god's sake, stay out of the pub!'.
The Husband obliges and after buying the snails, decides he's probably be okay just to stop by the pub only for a quick drink. Well, one leads to another, and another and another and before long it's well past dinner time. Looking at his watch he quickly realises he should have been back hours ago, panicking he dashes home and throws all the snails across the garden path. His wife greets him at the door looking furious saying 'Where on earth have you been!?' to which the husband responds 'Come on Lads! We're almost there!'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mbnz7/snails/
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4 college students are having a great time on spring break.

So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".
The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".
So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.
When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.
When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mbmci/4_college_students_are_having_a_great_time_on/
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Anyone know any good anti jokes?

Anti jokes are basically jokes that are so serious and deliberately not funny to the point where they are funny. Yeah its hard to explain. But I was looking for some good ones that aren't already on the anti joke website so share them if you know any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mblig/anyone_know_any_good_anti_jokes/
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I used to work as a bed salesman

One day this guy came in and started climbing into the beds and asking really specific questions. Then it hit me, he was an undercover cop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mbj00/i_used_to_work_as_a_bed_salesman/
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I wrote a song about drawing maps,

but it never made the charts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mbiik/i_wrote_a_song_about_drawing_maps/
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I just joined a Tourettes Club

took 5 hours to get sworn in...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mbfau/i_just_joined_a_tourettes_club/
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What do gays and Donald Trump have in common?

They're fucking assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mbdk8/what_do_gays_and_donald_trump_have_in_common/
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My wife wanted to role-play..

..she was my boss and I was her employee, so I called in sick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mbdeh/my_wife_wanted_to_roleplay/
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Did you hear about the bureaucrat who was a Platonist?

They were really obsessed with forms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mb8hw/did_you_hear_about_the_bureaucrat_who_was_a/
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ignorance or apathy?

I dont know and I dont care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mb8fz/ignorance_or_apathy/
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Two surgeons are laughing during an operation when a dermatologist walks by...

"What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist.
"Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mb4jx/two_surgeons_are_laughing_during_an_operation/
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A nervous man with a wooden eye is alone at a dance

He's to poor to afford a proper eye so he's really insecure about it and has trouble talking to women. At the dance he sees this pretty looking lady also standing alone across the room, he notices she has these kind of big ears so he thinks maybe he has a shot with her. He walks over and asks her if she'd like to dance.
She says excitedly "Would I?"
and he says "Aw fuck off then you big eared bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mb0fp/a_nervous_man_with_a_wooden_eye_is_alone_at_a/
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The Jonestown Cult survivor was never any good at jokes.

He always missed the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3maxam/the_jonestown_cult_survivor_was_never_any_good_at/
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I have sex daily.

I mean, dyslexia! Fcuk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3matjf/i_have_sex_daily/
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What would you get if Geddy Lee, Neil Peart and Alex Lifeson all died in a plane crash?

Take your time, there's no Rush...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mapbn/what_would_you_get_if_geddy_lee_neil_peart_and/
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What does an author have after they get abdominal surgery?

A semi-colon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3majkp/what_does_an_author_have_after_they_get_abdominal/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A hippo weighs a ton while a zippo is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3maiue/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3magil/how_do_farmers_party/
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3maet0/what_do_you_call_a_lawyer_with_an_iq_of_50/
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What’s the difference between Pastor Maldonado and a bus driver?

One is a highly skilled professional driver, and the other is in Formula 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mabxo/whats_the_difference_between_pastor_maldonado_and/
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Incest Competition

My town is having its monthly incest competition, I entered my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mabcw/incest_competition/
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Why cant you suprise a snow man?

Because its an inanimate object.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3maagb/why_cant_you_suprise_a_snow_man/
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What is the difference between an incompetent marksman and a constipated owl?

One shoots but cannot hit and the other hoots but cannot shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ma9s8/what_is_the_difference_between_an_incompetent/
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When the kid graduated from high school...

his father told him he was going to be a paratrooper.
"Dad", he said, "I don't want to jump out of airplanes."
"Rubbish", his dad said, "I was a paratrooper. My father, your grandfather, was a paratrooper. And you'll be a paratrooper. Don't worry, they'll teach you all you need to know."
So the kid went off to the Air Force.
When he returned after basic training, his dad asked him how it went. "Dad, I'm not cut out to be a paratrooper. When I got to the door to jump, I froze." His dad said, "When I was in the Air Force, we had drill sergeants who would help you jump. Didn't you have a drill sergeant?" "Uh, yes", the kid said, "and he came right up behind me and hollered - If you don't jump, I got 10 inches of hard meat that's gonna go right up your ass." "Well", his dad asked, "did you jump?"
"A little at first", the kid replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ma6nc/when_the_kid_graduated_from_high_school/
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Today I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof

I was shocked!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ma4ul/today_i_found_out_my_toaster_wasnt_waterproof/
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A kid asks his mother about his cousins...

"Mommy, why is my cousin named Rose?"
The mother replied, "Because your aunt loves roses."
The boy replies, "What about my other cousin, Daisy?"
"Your aunt also loved daisies." The mother added calmly.
"So why is my name-"
The mother interjects, "Be quiet and eat your dinner, Dickie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ma3up/a_kid_asks_his_mother_about_his_cousins/
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So the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle when a Bishop walks in.

"What is a four letter word for a woman that ends in -unt?" the Pope asks. The Bishop thinks for a minute, afraid to say such a word to the holiest of men. Then a miracle comes to him. "A-unt?" he suggests. "Yes, that fits better, got an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ma3ai/so_the_pope_is_doing_a_crossword_puzzle_when_a/
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What's the difference between a 5 year old kid and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ma35d/whats_the_difference_between_a_5_year_old_kid_and/
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My ex-wife still misses me.

But her aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ma2zu/my_exwife_still_misses_me/
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What did the drunker muslim say to the drunk muslim?

I'm Mohammad than you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ma2u0/what_did_the_drunker_muslim_say_to_the_drunk/
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What's the difference between hanging with friends and jacking it on the toilet?

One means you're taking a load off and shooting the shit, the other is taking a shit and shooting a load off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m9xqf/whats_the_difference_between_hanging_with_friends/
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How do you tell if a girl is ticklish?

You give her a test-tickle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m9tz7/how_do_you_tell_if_a_girl_is_ticklish/
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Why did the fetus kill his twin?

There wasn't enough womb for the two of them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m9jh6/why_did_the_fetus_kill_his_twin/
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They're giving Caitlyn Jenner ANOTHER TV show

Apparently, they have her competing in the Olympics again. It's going to be called "Drag Races".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m9jec/theyre_giving_caitlyn_jenner_another_tv_show/
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A duck walks into a bar...

He waddles up to the bartender and says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, now get out of here!", and kicks the duck out the door.
The next day, the same duck walks into the bar, waddles up to the bartender and says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender is incensed. He picks up a hammer from behind the bar and chases the duck out of his establishment. "If you ever come in here asking for grapes again, I'll nail your bill to the floor!"
The next day, the duck walks in, waddles up to the bartender and says, "Got any nails?"
"No!", says the bartender.
"...got any grapes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m9h1o/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
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My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.

As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m9g8e/my_friend_was_told_by_her_doctor_that_she_was/
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How do crabs travel cheaply?

Pubic transportation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m9f03/how_do_crabs_travel_cheaply/
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These hospital bills are killing me!

I'm starting to think buying a hospital wasn't such a good idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m9eyy/these_hospital_bills_are_killing_me/
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My grief counselor died last week.

Luckily, he was so good I didn't give a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m9ewm/my_grief_counselor_died_last_week/
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Why did the cow cross the road

To get to the udder side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m9ete/why_did_the_cow_cross_the_road/
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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn."

Stupid firemen
[I originally saw this joke on a friend's facebook picture he shared](http://i.imgur.com/6Q1KD6K.jpg) but others have pointed me to:
[OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4zpu/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/)
[OP2](https://www.reddit.com/r/Christianity/comments/3m3nzl/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m9czc/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/
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The Sweet Spot On A Woman's Body

My friend at work was telling me about an article he read over the weekend. Apparently there's a spot on a woman's body, that if you hit it just right it will make their legs turn to jelly.
It's called the chin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m99gp/the_sweet_spot_on_a_womans_body/
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The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.
The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.
"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked.
"Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m969m/the_gynecologist_had_become/
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I lost all my fingers on one hand yesterday...

...but on the other hand, I'm okay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m9296/i_lost_all_my_fingers_on_one_hand_yesterday/
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I know 3 people who are clinically insane:

Me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m8zrn/i_know_3_people_who_are_clinically_insane/
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A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."
"What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.
"Oh my God," says the man. "What are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."
"Is that going to help me?" asks the man.
"No," says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m8xor/a_man_goes_into_the_doctors_office_feeling_really/
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What do you call those people who follow musicians around and try to hang with them after the show?

Drummers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m8v0p/what_do_you_call_those_people_who_follow/
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My math teacher called me average.

How mean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m8qug/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
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When The Pope talks about politicians working together

Representatives of different professions in a Christian country were debating which profession is the oldest. The medical doctor said:
‘What was the first thing that God did with humans? He performed an operation – he made Eve with Adam’s rib. The medical profession is the oldest.’
‘No, that is not true,’ the architect said. ‘The first thing he did was to build the world out of chaos. That’s what architects do – creating order out of chaos. We are the oldest profession.’
The politician, who was patiently listening, grinned and asked: ‘Who created that chaos?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m8ps7/when_the_pope_talks_about_politicians_working/
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John Boehner is lucky Pope Francis didn't splash any holy water on him.

He wouldn't have been crying. He would have burst into flames.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m8pnz/john_boehner_is_lucky_pope_francis_didnt_splash/
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The Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender couldn't believe what he was seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m8pcd/the_gambler/
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A guy is walking through Mexico...

When he comes up on a Mexican man taking a siesta with his Donkey tied next to him.
"Excuse me," the man says " Do you know the time?"
The Mexican man looks up sleepily, grabs his Donkey by the balls, and slowly raises them up as if weighing them.
" It's about one thurty. "
Confused but in a rush the man thanks him and goes on his way.
Later in the day the man is returning on the same route and sees the same Mexican in the same spot with the donkey still tied up.
" Excuse me, " he says "Do you know the time ? "
Again the Mexican grabs his donkey by the balls, raises them up and says " It's seex feefteen. "
" OK, OK how can you tell the time that way ?" The stranger asks in bewilderment. Once more the Mexican grabs the donkeys balls, lifts them up, points and says
" You see that clocktower way ever there ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m8m2s/a_guy_is_walking_through_mexico/
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Lawyer Joke

You know it was a cold day in Washington when you see lawyers walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m8dzm/lawyer_joke/
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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer go golfing

They get stuck behind a group of golfers who seemed to be moving slower than usual.
One of the country club members explains to them that this is a group of blind men who lost their eyesight as firefighters. The country club allows them to use the course once a year free of charge.
The priest immediately chimes in and says, "I am going to pray for these men everyday in my church to help their well being."
The doctor then exclaims, "I am going to get the best medical care in the country to research a possible way to help these men."
The engineer then says, "Why don't they just golf at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m8dc3/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_go_golfing/
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John goes to Josh's apartment...

... but he wasn't home, and the person who answered the door was Kate, Josh's wife. She just got out of the shower, so she had a towel around her sexy, sexy body when she answered the door. After a little bit of small and awkward talking, John couldn't resist and told her:
"I will give you a thousand dollars right now if you drop that towel"
She thought about it for a second and thought "hey, a thousand dollars is a thousand dollars". She did what he asked, and was given the cash and John went back home.
A few hours later, Josh came home.
"Hey sweetheart! John dropped by earlier today."
"Oh, good! Did he bring the thousand dollars he owed me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m8bbc/john_goes_to_joshs_apartment/
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There are two types of people in this world....

Those who are intelligent,
And those who believe there are 12 types of people in this world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m89uo/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Penguin Car Trouble

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m80k6/penguin_car_trouble/
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An Irishman was working at a brewery...

...and fell in one of the beer vats and drowned.  So the brewmaster visits the man's wife at home.  When she answers the door, he tells her "Mrs. O'Leary, I've got horrible news for you.  Your husband fell into a beer vat today and drowned."
"Oh my god, that's awful," she cried.  Through tears, she asked "well, did he suffer?"
"I don't think so," said the brewmaster, "he did get out three times to take a piss."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m7z31/an_irishman_was_working_at_a_brewery/
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How did the pedophile pianist get caught?

He accidentally let people hear him playing in D-minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m7sen/how_did_the_pedophile_pianist_get_caught/
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I was in a tornado.

It sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m7qap/i_was_in_a_tornado/
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I get all my cardio from sex....

That's why I'm so fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m7q58/i_get_all_my_cardio_from_sex/
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A woman at work got really angry with me when I...

Politely held the door open for her. She must've been a feminist cos she got real mad and shouted at me "Do you mind I'm trying to take a shit! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m7mhw/a_woman_at_work_got_really_angry_with_me_when_i/
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A nurse puts her hand in her pocket, finds a rectal thermometer and exclaims....

"Some arsehole's got my pen!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m7ilw/a_nurse_puts_her_hand_in_her_pocket_finds_a/
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What's green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m7haf/whats_green_has_four_legs_and_would_kill_you_if/
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why is the bass player stuck outside?

he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m7dpx/why_is_the_bass_player_stuck_outside/
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Amsterdam is like a tour de France

- it's full of people on bikes and drugs.
--
Heard this last weekend while visiting Amsterdam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m7co8/amsterdam_is_like_a_tour_de_france/
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A group of crows killed an innocent person

It really was a murder scene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m7aqp/a_group_of_crows_killed_an_innocent_person/
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The most toxic substances known to mankind.

1. Arsenic
2. Cyanide
3. Polonium
4. Mercury
5. The League of Legends community

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m7ag0/the_most_toxic_substances_known_to_mankind/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

I don't like coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m75tz/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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Talk dirty to me

"Talk dirty to me", she begged. "Alright", he said, leaning closer, "Volkswagen diesel..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m73op/talk_dirty_to_me/
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I just lost my job. I couldn't work for that man after what he had said to me.

What did he tell you?
You're fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m718b/i_just_lost_my_job_i_couldnt_work_for_that_man/
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Q: How do you know if a chef is a clown?

A: The food tastes funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m70j2/q_how_do_you_know_if_a_chef_is_a_clown/
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What are the 2 things you cannot have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m6zjx/what_are_the_2_things_you_cannot_have_for/
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Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?

A: She can't find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m6w52/q_why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
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After a night of drinking, John walks into a metal bar

The music was great and he hooks up with a beautiful blonde.
He awakes at the hospital with a mild concussion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m6v4p/after_a_night_of_drinking_john_walks_into_a_metal/
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When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen

I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m6r41/when_i_was_5_i_cried_when_i_saw_my_mom_cut_up/
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Mickey Mouse's lawyer calls...

...And tells him, "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because shes 'crazy'"
and Mickey responds, "I didn't say she was crazy, i said she was fucking goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m6lkb/mickey_mouses_lawyer_calls/
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Seven days without Mexican food....

Makes Juan weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m6hz0/seven_days_without_mexican_food/
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Do you know what moth balls smell like?

How'd you get their little legs apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m6hd6/do_you_know_what_moth_balls_smell_like/
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Whats the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

One of them is actually wanted!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m6gh0/whats_the_difference_between_an_inlaw_and_an/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I wouldn't pay $60 to have a garbanzo bean on my face!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m6fnd/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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These Seniors Couldn't Get The $2.99 Special Without Eggs, So They Did Something Genius

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘Senior Special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said, "but I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay more for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.
"Yes," said the waitress.
"I'll take the special, then," my wife said.
"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
Don't mess with Seniors!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m6f3q/these_seniors_couldnt_get_the_299_special_without/
%
Charles Dickens walks into a bar...

and orders a Martini. The bartender asks,"Olive or twist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m6df9/charles_dickens_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

He wanted to get a long little doggy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m6dds/why_did_the_cowboy_get_a_wiener_dog/
%
What's the one good thing about a pedophile?

They drive slow through school zones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m6c3p/whats_the_one_good_thing_about_a_pedophile/
%
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?

Because it's two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m6b2w/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_up_by_itself/
%
He's an Investor by day and a Porn Star by night, what's his stage name?

Gold man sacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m69nt/hes_an_investor_by_day_and_a_porn_star_by_night/
%
A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m67tr/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
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This is apparently the world's funniest joke. Would you laugh at it?

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m63bg/this_is_apparently_the_worlds_funniest_joke_would/
%
What's a pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m5wuc/whats_a_pirates_worst_nightmare/
%
You know what the best thing about Alzheimer's is?

You can hide your own Easter eggs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m5pls/you_know_what_the_best_thing_about_alzheimers_is/
%
What do you call a deaf quadriplegic?

Whatever you want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m5ndz/what_do_you_call_a_deaf_quadriplegic/
%
What's the difference between having sex while skydiving and a smelly vagina?

Well, one's a kinky stunt...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m5hqu/whats_the_difference_between_having_sex_while/
%
If I give you breakfast in bed just say "thanks"

Not "who are you" and "how did you get in here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m5g0x/if_i_give_you_breakfast_in_bed_just_say_thanks/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m5ee5/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss
In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m5e82/whats_in_heaven_and_hell/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee.

Hot, kinda gross, and picked up at the gas station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m5cax/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
A salami goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him "Sorry, I can't help you, ..."

"... you're already cured."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m54dp/a_salami_goes_to_the_doctor_the_doctor_tells_him/
%
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"...

Stupid Firemen.
[x-post /r/Christianity]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4zpu/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/
%
I know a girl who is completely obsessed with Mexican men.

She's a Pedrophile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4yi3/i_know_a_girl_who_is_completely_obsessed_with/
%
"Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
together. After the man received the full treatment:
shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he
placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm going to buy a
green tie to wear for the parade," he said.
"I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the
man still hadn't returned, the barber said,
"Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about
you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy.
"He just walked up, took me by the hand and
said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4xyt/looks_like_your_daddys_forgotten_all_about_you/
%
In biology they ask us what we find in cells

Apparently black people wasn't the right answer.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4xfj/in_biology_they_ask_us_what_we_find_in_cells/
%
Three guys die and go to heaven...

They are met at the Pearly Gates by, of course, St. Peter. "Welcome welcome!" he shouted as they approached "It's so good to see you! Are you ready to enjoy your eternity in Heaven?" "Yes yes of course we are!" all three guys shouted over top of each other. "Great!" says Peter. "But before I let you in I need to go over a few things that have changed recently. Over the past few years we have seen an enormous increase in population and to deal with that we have had to expand our walls a great deal. Since the increase in size, we have received a large number of complaints about the traveling distances. To solve the issue, we have decided to hand out a set of wheels to each new member who passes through our gates! But unfortunately since this is a new program, we don't have a lot of rides in stock. This means we have had to come up with a system of determining what kind of wheels each individual shall receive. We have decided that the quality of wheels will be determined by the individuals faithfulness to their spouse in the previous life. Sound fair?" The three guys all nodded in agreement. St. Peter turned to guy number one and asked, "Tell me sir, how faithful were you to your spouse?" guy number one answered, "I was married to my beautiful wife for 55 years. I fell in love with her the very second I met her and my love only grew stronger every day after. I never once in my life thought about any other woman. Not once. We had a wonderful life together and my heart leaps with joy when I imagine the day she will arrive at these same gates to spend an eternity here with me." St. Peter wiped a tear from his eye. "That was the sweetest thing I have ever heard. You have definitely earned a quality set of wheels." The gates opened and a Bentley drove out to meet him. Guy number one danced his way to the vehicle and took off pedal to the metal through the gates and out of sight. St. Peter turned to guy number two, "You're turn now." Guy number two stepped forward, "Well, I've been married for about 25 years, and for the most part things have been alright. We've had our ups and downs like most married couples do. There was one time that we got into a pretty big fight and I phoned a lady from work and well, you know... Some things ended up happening that I'm not too proud of... But I came clean to my wife about it all and she forgave me. Things had gone pretty smooth since." "Not good not good..." Peter responded. "But not the worst I've heard either. Here is your ride." The gates opened up and a Jeep drove through to meet him. He shook Peter's hand and made his way over to his new ride. As he cruised off into the distance Peter turned to guy number three, but before he could say anything, guy number three started up, "Okay I'm just going to come out and be completely honest... I've never been faithful to my wife. We've been married for like 10 years or something, and truthfully I believe I stopped loving her right after our first night alone together. Every week I was sleeping with someone else behind her back and to be honest I don't regret any of it. I hate the dumb slut." St. Peter couldn't believe his ears. "You sir are possibly the most disgusting human being I have ever laid eyes on. Here, take your ride." He turned and walked away as a moped puttered along through the gates to meet guy number three.
A considerable amount of time passed and guys number two and three were enjoying a nice ride around the block together when the spotted guy number one in his Bentley parked up on one of the hills outside of their town. They rode up to say hey but when they pulled up beside him they realized he was crying. "What the heck is wrong with you?" asked guy number two. "My wife arrived today." Guy number one answered. "You should be happy! Now you two can spend your eternities together just like you wanted!" shouted guy number three. "No, you don't understand..." said guy number one. "She's riding around on roller skates."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4x1u/three_guys_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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A guy is in a bar looking slightly worse for wear... (NSFW)

...and the barman notices he looks pretty down and has been drinking quite heavily that night so he decides to ask him what's up.
The guy answers, "Well, I got home from work today to find my wife fucking my best friend."
"Shit, I'm sorry to hear that," says the barman, "that's terrible. What did you do?"
"I told my wife it was over, that I was going out for a couple of hours and when I get back she better be gone because I never want to see her again."
"Fuck," says the barman, sympathetically. "And what did you say to your best friend?"
"Bad dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4tnn/a_guy_is_in_a_bar_looking_slightly_worse_for_wear/
%
Why is the last chapter in a chemistry textbook about benzene?

Because it's the PHENYL CHAPTER :D
I came up with this myself. I'm so proud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4jgn/why_is_the_last_chapter_in_a_chemistry_textbook/
%
The pope has a check up with a doctor...

And the doctor tells him, "for the most part, you're in perfect health, but your prostate is inflamed and could develop into something real painful very soon."
"Okay well is there anything I can do to help that?" asks the pope.
"Yes," says the doctor eyeing him. "But it's going to be difficult for you."
Concerned, the pope says, "I'll do anything to stay healthy."
The doctor stares at him for a moment, then says, "you have to have sex. It's the best way to calm down a prostate."
"I can't do that."
"I know. But this could become a matter of life and death in a few months."
Disturbed, the pope goes home for the night. After tossing and turning in thought, the pope returns to the doctor the next day. "Alright, I'll do it on three conditions."
Shocked, the doctor asks, "okay what are they?"
"One, the girl must be blind so she does not see my face."
"Okay, that shouldn't be too hard."
"Two, she must be deaf so that she does not recognize my voice."
"Okay." Says the doctor. "And what's the third condition?"
"She's gotta have big tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4jd7/the_pope_has_a_check_up_with_a_doctor/
%
A group of priests stand by the road...

... holding a sign "IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO TURN BACK. THIS PATH IS DOOMED!!" Most people just drive by but then suddenly someone stops and yells at the priests: "No one will belive this religious bullshit! You're wasting your time!" After that one of the priests says: Maby we should just write "The bridge has fallen!"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4g0p/a_group_of_priests_stand_by_the_road/
%
Boomerangs are Australia's largest Export.

And Import.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4ebi/boomerangs_are_australias_largest_export/
%
I just put a bunch of lipstick up my butt. (NSFW)

I've suddenly realized that makeup sex is highly overrated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4an9/i_just_put_a_bunch_of_lipstick_up_my_butt_nsfw/
%
What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

on a cactus, the pricks are on the outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4aip/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_cactus/
%
Four blind elephants are discussing what Man must be like. After a while, they decide to find one.

The first elephant feels the man, and announces that man is flat.
The other three feel him, and agree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m462l/four_blind_elephants_are_discussing_what_man_must/
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A string walks into a bar...

The tender goes 'Jackass, we don't serve strings here.'
The string leaves the bar and twists and pulls and deforms himself, ruffles his hair a bit and struts back in, incognito.
The tender goes 'Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out?'
The string answers, 'Frayed knot.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m42ih/a_string_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What is a specimen?

An Italian astronaut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m41z8/what_is_a_specimen/
%
If I had $100 for every time I'd had sex

I might break even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m3zzq/if_i_had_100_for_every_time_id_had_sex/
%
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on an ant hill

Dead ant dead ant
Dead ant
Dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead aaaaant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m3xzx/what_did_the_pink_panther_say_when_he_stepped_on/
%
Little Ryan and Candice are only 10 years old

but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Ryan goes to Candice's father to ask him for her hand.
Ryan bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Candice are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Ryan, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it Ryan replies, "In Candice's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Candice."
Again, Ryan instantly replies, "Our allowance - Candice makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Ryan has put so much thought into this.
"Well Ryan, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Ryan just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m3swb/little_ryan_and_candice_are_only_10_years_old/
%
When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats

This is known as many paws

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m3nwj/when_women_reach_a_certain_age_they_start/
%
Guy gets a call from his doctor...

Doc: I have bad news, and I have worse news.
Guy: Wow.  Ok, well let's start with the worse news.
Doc: You have cancer and only have about 3 months to live.
Guy (shaken): Ok, what's the bad news?
Doc: You have Alzheimer's Disease.
Guy (waits a beat): Well at least I don't have cancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m3mhc/guy_gets_a_call_from_his_doctor/
%
Two blondes are on an elevator

A man gets on and stands in front of them. They both notice that he has terrible dandruff, with flakes all over his jacket.
One blonde whispers to the other, "Someone should give that guy some Head and Shoulders."
The second blonde whispers back, "How do you give shoulders?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m3gha/two_blondes_are_on_an_elevator/
%
The midget with a cleft lip who is the greatest toothbrush salesman on earth

A midget walks into a toothbrush factory and asks to speak with the manager. The midget says "I am the greatesth toofbruth thalesman on earth." The manager says "well, we're not currently hiring...but I like your style. Here's 10 toothbrushes. They're $1 each. Come back tomorrow with $10 in sales and maybe I can find you a job here."
A few hours later, the midget comes back with $10. "Wow, that was pretty good!" says the manager. Okay, tell you what - here's 100 toothbrushes. Come back at the end of the week and if you sold them all, I'll make you a senior salesman."
That evening, the midget comes back with $100. The manager is amazed, but suspicious. "Okay, this is pretty insane. I'll give you 1,000 toothbrushes, and if you can sell them all by the end of the week, I'll make you the regional sales manager." The midget comes back the next morning with $1,000. The manager shakes his head "I can't believe it, but I'm a man of my word. I'll set you up in a corner office with a signing bonus and your own assistant and a company car. But first, you have to tell me the secret to your success."
"Come witf me," the midget says. They get into the midget's car with  giant box of toothbrushes. The manager notices a large bag of potato chips and jars of hummus on the back seat. "What're those for?" "You'll thee." They head to the airport.
The midget gets out, grabs the chips and dip, a sign and the box of toothbrushes, and wheels a luggage cart with all this stuff to the terminal. The manager follows him "you sure you don't need any help?" "No, fhank you. I got thif." The midget stands near the baggage claim with the sign that the manager now sees says "FREE CHIPS N' DIP" - the manager screws up his face, but shrugs it off; he needs to see this master salesman in action.
A man walks past as the midget says "hello thir, would you like to thry thum dip?" "Oh, thank you!" The man takes a chip, dips it into the hummus, and takes a bite. "WHAT THE FUCK THIS DIP TASTES LIKE SHIT!"
"It ith shith - wanna buy a toofbruth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m3ff3/the_midget_with_a_cleft_lip_who_is_the_greatest/
%
I called my mom today, and she didn't sound good.

"Well, I haven't eaten in 2 weeks," she explained.
"Mom! That's not good - what's wrong?" I asked.
"I didn't want my mouth to be full when you called."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m3bxk/i_called_my_mom_today_and_she_didnt_sound_good/
%
The locker room of a Golf Club

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages
the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen.
* MAN: "Hello"
* WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
* MAN: "Yes."
* WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
* MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
* WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
* MAN: "How much?"
* WOMAN: "$90,000."
* MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
* WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it.
* MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra
eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
* WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
* MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
* The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
* He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m39gr/the_locker_room_of_a_golf_club/
%
So, I was walking through Harvard Square...

...And came upon the new "Mexican Book Store." Never having seen one before, I went in.
As I was wandering around, I asked the Hispanic clerk if he could help me find something. I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's new book about his immigration policy?"
The Harvard student clerk said, "Fuck you, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m38y4/so_i_was_walking_through_harvard_square/
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What do you call a trombone player who just broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m361u/what_do_you_call_a_trombone_player_who_just_broke/
%
Two Mormon missionaries knock on a door.

A blind lady answers the door and upon learning who they are tells them she wants nothing to do with God or religion and proceeds to slam the door in their faces but the door just bounces right back open. Furious that they would stick their feet in the door she yells at them to go away and slams the door even harder. Again it bounces back open.
"We'll leave you alone ma'am" says one of the missionaries. "But you might want to let your cat get all the way inside before you slam the door again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m35zm/two_mormon_missionaries_knock_on_a_door/
%
Put the punchline in the title.

How do you ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m35wi/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
%
Every time the sun goes down, I get attacked by a horse.

What a night mare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m32lg/every_time_the_sun_goes_down_i_get_attacked_by_a/
%
A boy asks his dad

A boy says to his dad, "Dad, what does gay mean?"
The dad says, "Gay means happy."
The boy asks, "Dad, are you gay?"
The dad replies, "No. I have a wife."
[X-post] (http://www.reddit.com/r/pcmasterrace/comments/3m14n4/giveaway_any_game_60_or_less/cvb2ipg) from /r/pcmasterrace

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m32gx/a_boy_asks_his_dad/
%
"I'm not racist. I have several friends who are black...

for Halloween. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m3281/im_not_racist_i_have_several_friends_who_are_black/
%
What was wrong with the cross eyed teacher?

He couldn't control his pupils

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m326o/what_was_wrong_with_the_cross_eyed_teacher/
%
12 of my favorite anti-jokes.

1. A horse walks into a bar, several of the patrons get up and leave quickly after assessing the danger of the situation.
2. How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
3. What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red Paint.
4. I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis.
5. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
6. Why doesn't jesus play hockey?
Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in mexico.
7. What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
8. What do a banana and a helicopter have in common?
Neither is a police officer.
9. Why isn't Helen Keller a good driver?
Because she's dead.
10. Why did the old lady put roller skates on her walker?
She has dementia.
11. Why did the dinosaur break through the brick wall?
I don't know, that's why I'm asking you the question.
12. An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree. The squirrel looks at the owl and says, nothing because animals can't talk. The owl then continues to eat the squirrel, because it's a bird of prey.
Bonus!: A gorilla walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a banana martini please." The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and becomes aware that he's actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the crazy dream he just had. His wife ignores him, and the man cries through the rest of the night with the realization that his marriage is in shambles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m31mb/12_of_my_favorite_antijokes/
%
Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is

He gives them one clue. "It's what your mother calls me".   His son yells "It's a fucking dick, dont eat it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2w3g/dad_cooks_a_deer_and_doesnt_tell_the_kids_what_it/
%
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning...

That's the last time I fall asleep with my mouth open

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2vqa/so_i_woke_up_to_a_blowjob_this_morning/
%
Did you know?

If you took a man's small intestine and stretched it all the way out from end to end, you would go to jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2uoy/did_you_know/
%
If Catholics are in a demonstration...

... Are they Protestants?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2qwi/if_catholics_are_in_a_demonstration/
%
Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2m1g/why_was_the_little_ink_drop_crying/
%
What do the LGBT community and computers have in common?

Most people over 50 are scared of them and think they are destroying the fabric of society!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2l79/what_do_the_lgbt_community_and_computers_have_in/
%
Why were all the rednecks sitting around an ordinary potato waiting for it to talk?

It was a CommonTater
I just made this up I swear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2ic3/why_were_all_the_rednecks_sitting_around_an/
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I used to be impatient....

... I just don't have the time anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2hr8/i_used_to_be_impatient/
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Pink Panther's TODO list

1. TODO
2. TODO
3. TODO TODO TODO TODO TODOOO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2h6x/pink_panthers_todo_list/
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Old couple is sitting on the front porch

. Grandpa is sitting on the bench reading the newspaper, grandma is in a rocking chair knitting. They have been together since prom night. *Grandma seems angry, gets up from the chair goes to grandpa and slaps him so hard he drops the newspaper, his glasses fall on the porch breaking the lens in it.*
Grandpa seems more offended than angry and ask grandma:
*\- Why did you do this?*
grandma replies:
*\- Because throughout the 50 years of our marriage sex with you was awful!*
Grandpa picks up the newspaper from the ground, fumbles with his lens. After about a minute, *grandpa gets off the bench walks to grandma and kicks out the rocking chair of grandma.* Grandma falls into the flowerbed, sweeps the dirt from her hair and asks grandpa:
*\- Are you out of your mind old fart? What did you this for?*
grandpa replies:
*\- How do you know what good sex is?!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2h5v/old_couple_is_sitting_on_the_front_porch/
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You can't run through a campground

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2bdl/you_cant_run_through_a_campground/
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The Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.'' ''What about the green one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.'' ''What about the red one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.'' The man says, ''What does HE do?'' The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2afk/the_boss/
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How can you tell which nurse is the head nurse?

She's the one with dirty knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2aby/how_can_you_tell_which_nurse_is_the_head_nurse/
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I felt sorry for the hypnotist....

I saw last night. He hypnotized  7 guys... then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME!" What happened next will haunt me the for the rest of my life...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m292g/i_felt_sorry_for_the_hypnotist/
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What did the suicide bomber from the Rebel Alliance say before detonating?

ADMIRAL ACKBAR!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2659/what_did_the_suicide_bomber_from_the_rebel/
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A kid is leaving his house to school

His mom tells him "May God be with you". When the kid is walking down the stairs he trips and falls.
He turns back and says, 'You can come with me, but you don't have to push'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m264j/a_kid_is_leaving_his_house_to_school/
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So the Pope is on state visit...

So the Pope is on state visit to the US and is travelling in his limousine towards the hotel from JFK. Halfway there he tries to convince his chauffeur if he may drive it himself.
"Sorry mr Pope. 'Tis against company policy for clients to drive."
"Yeah but can't you make an exception just for today? Come on. The Vatican is too small for driving around and this thing sounds like it's got a V8 in it."
So after a lot of haggling the chauffeur relents. This is the Pope after all.
The Pope gets behind the wheel and the driver slides into the back. His holiness then promptly tries to see how fast the limo would go. Needless to say, a state trooper pulls him over.
After the Pope has winded down the drivers window the state trooper loses all colour in his face.
He pulls out his radio: "C-c-control, this is unit 4. Need advice on procedure after pulling over a VIP for speeding."
Control responds: "Unit 4. You know the drill. No exceptions for VIP's according to state law."
He looks at the Pope again.
"Er... I don't think you quite understand. This is actually VVIP."
Control gets agitated: "Damn you unit 4. So who exactly is this VVIP?"
"I think it's God because the Pope is his chauffeur."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m227u/so_the_pope_is_on_state_visit/
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A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m1zhd/a_man_is_talking_to_god/
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Three Labrador retrievers

-- one brown, one yellow and one black -- were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why the  hell are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna castrate me," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are preforming it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like castration for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet's office?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, castration for you too, huh?"
"No," said the black lab, "I'm here to get my nails clipped.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m1yi1/three_labrador_retrievers/
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What's a sluts favourite drink?

7 Up in Cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m1wwp/whats_a_sluts_favourite_drink/
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I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m1vko/i_got_a_hand_job_yesterday/
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The Midget With a Lisp

A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm.
'What sort of horse?' said the owner.
'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?'
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
Nithe teeth.... Can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says.
The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
'Nithe eerth.' He says, 'Now...can I see her twot?'
The owner, not sure if he heard correctly, replies 'Her what?'
'Twot, can I see her twot,' the dwarf says.
The owner losing his patience picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says:
'Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m1uld/the_midget_with_a_lisp/
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Jimmy sleeps with his teacher...

Jimmy comes home from school, and announces to his mother, "Guess what! I just slept with my teacher!". Furious, his mother orders him to his room and tells him to wait until his father gets home. An hour later, Jimmy's father arrives. "Go upstairs, your son has slept with his teacher!"
Jimmy's father goes upstairs, pats his son on the back, and says, "Jimmy, I am proud of you. Let's go and get that bike you always wanted!"
So they go to the store and the dad purchases the bike. "So," he says, "do you want to ride it home?"
"No Dad, my bum's still sore!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m1qhc/jimmy_sleeps_with_his_teacher/
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what's the difference between reddit and 9gag?

A week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m1hl7/whats_the_difference_between_reddit_and_9gag/
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The Magic Mirror

This is a rumour that a magic mirror resides in New York City. Anyone who can tell the truth in front of it is granted 3 wishes of their choosing. Anyone who tells a lie is exploded.
3 girls, a blonde, a redhead and a brunette find the mirror and try to claim their wishes.
"I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world!" says the brunette.
She explodes on the spot.
"I think I'm the smartest girl in the world!" says the redhead.
She explodes on the spot.
"I think-" says the blonde.
She explodes on the spot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m1fu3/the_magic_mirror/
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An electron is speeding down the highway when a police officer pulls him over.

The officer walks up to the car and asks, "do you know how fast you were going."
The electron replies, "Yeah, but now I'm lost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m1ehy/an_electron_is_speeding_down_the_highway_when_a/
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My patient was refused his organ transplant.

But I didn't have the heart to tell him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m1cz8/my_patient_was_refused_his_organ_transplant/
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Conspirators are relentless...

A man lives his whole life believing that JFK's assassination was an inside job done by the CIA. He goes his whole life believing this. One day he passes on and goes up to meet God. God says "Welcome to heaven, do you have any questions?" The man replies, "Yes, who shot JFK?" God then replies "Well don't you know...Lee Harvey Oswald killed him." The mans eyes light up and he says shaking...
"My god, the conspiracy has reached heaven..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m1aul/conspirators_are_relentless/
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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans.
"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m19pk/a_mother_shark_is_teaching_her_young_how_to_eat/
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Sometimes..

. when you cry ... no one sees your tears... sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile... But fart just one time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m17xi/sometimes/
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Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m144d/q_why_is_air_a_lot_like_sex/
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The Greek Legal System

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of  them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m0y7a/the_greek_legal_system/
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Why did Prince Eric leave Ariel when she became a human?

He was just chasing tail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m0wfd/why_did_prince_eric_leave_ariel_when_she_became_a/
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What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m0pxs/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_swam_into_the_wall/
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A Proctologist is walking down the hall...

...when he's stopped by a passing nurse "Doctor, why do you have a rectal thermometer tucked over your ear ?" She asked "Damnit" he said grabbing the thermometer "some asshole has my pen !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m0nqk/a_proctologist_is_walking_down_the_hall/
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Who created the first diswasher?

God, and her name was Eve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m0nf0/who_created_the_first_diswasher/
%
A physicist, mathematician, and engineer go to target practice

The engineer is up first and hits 5 inches to the right of the bullseye. The physicist says, "No no no, you forgot to account for the curvature of the Earth and the wind." The physicist does his calculations, but misses 5 inches to the left of center. The mathematician yells: "BULLSEYE! Great job guys!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m0jl3/a_physicist_mathematician_and_engineer_go_to/
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Looking for a wife

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m0ioz/looking_for_a_wife/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

No one pays to have a garbanzo bean on their face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m0gn7/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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What did Obama say when he proposed to Michelle?

I don't wanna be Obama self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m0fhp/what_did_obama_say_when_he_proposed_to_michelle/
%
I went to the doctor for a checkup.

A friend asked "Which doctor?"
I replied "No, a medical one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m0f3p/i_went_to_the_doctor_for_a_checkup/
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An Irishman walks into a bar

and orders three beers. The bartender is curious why he orders three beers at once and asks him why he has ordered as he has.
The Irishman replies that he has two brothers, and long ago, they agreed that every time they had a beer, they would have a beer for each of his brothers to go along with his own.
The bartender tells all the people in the bar this story. The Irishman comes to the bar often after that.
Several weeks later, the Irishman comes into the bar and orders two beers. All of the other patrons notice and ask the bartender to offer their condolences to the Irishman, assuming that he has lost a brother.
The bartender says, "We've all noticed that you are a beer short tonight. We would like to express our sadness at your loss."
The Irishman replies, "Oh. My brothers are well. I just gave up beer for Lent."
--Told to me by my Uncle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m0eni/an_irishman_walks_into_a_bar/
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Went in for a prostate exam...

I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Right over there with mine"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m06vp/went_in_for_a_prostate_exam/
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The doctor asked for a urine sample, a blood sample and a semen sample

So I gave him my underwear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m03dq/the_doctor_asked_for_a_urine_sample_a_blood/
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What did the square say to the root?

"Radical"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m00la/what_did_the_square_say_to_the_root/
%
I bought some shoes off a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lzy3a/i_bought_some_shoes_off_a_drug_dealer/
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Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lztz8/patrick_wants_a_bike/
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him ...

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about".
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lzk77/a_mafia_godfather_finds_out_that_his_bookkeeper/
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What's the best song for a threesome

You've got a friend in me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lzk4f/whats_the_best_song_for_a_threesome/
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Liberace's Epitaph reads...

"He was great on the piano, but he sucked on the organ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lzjkd/liberaces_epitaph_reads/
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How do you make a Sea Lion?

You remove an electron from a Seal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lz4tg/how_do_you_make_a_sea_lion/
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A Man Orders a Drink at the Bar

While the bartender is fixing his drink the man sets a tiny piano and a little man on the bar.  The little man sits on the bench and begins to play the piano.
The bartender walks over with the mans drink and says "where did you get this?"  The man pulls a crystal out of his pocket and hands it to the bartender.  "I got it from this wishing crystal."  "How does it work?" asks the bartender.  "Just hold it in your hand, close your eyes, and make a wish."
The bartender does just that and suddenly the bar is filled with ducks.  The bartender opens his eyes and sees his bar filled with ducks.  He looks at the man and says "what the hell is this?  I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The man takes the crystal back and says "yeah, its a bit finicky with the wishes, how do you think i ended up with a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lz0us/a_man_orders_a_drink_at_the_bar/
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A man walks into a zoo, the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It was a shih tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lyy7k/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo_the_only_animal_in_the/
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Did you hear the iPhone 6S Plus is selling really well?

Seems like it's a big 6S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lyxrk/did_you_hear_the_iphone_6s_plus_is_selling_really/
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What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow ?

Reality.
I'll show myself out now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lyx6v/what_kind_of_tea_is_sometimes_hard_to_swallow/
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I bought a Cosmo magazine that said "Best Sex Ever!"

All I got was a bunch of papercuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lyvde/i_bought_a_cosmo_magazine_that_said_best_sex_ever/
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My thesaurus is great.

It's even good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lyq5k/my_thesaurus_is_great/
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Little jimmys mom told him that if he ever did a bad thing as punishment he would turn to stone....

One day jimmy went down to the pond with him friend Billy to fish when they saw a beautiful woman naked swimming in the pond the two kids watched in awe when suddenly jimmy ran away scarred
Jimmy ran home to his mom crying saying "sorry I did a bad thing!" "What did you do asked jimmy's mom?" Jimmy wiped away a tear and said "I saw a naked lady in the pond and I got scarred because I started to feel like I was turning to stone so I ran."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lyokw/little_jimmys_mom_told_him_that_if_he_ever_did_a/
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How do you know you're drinking too many protein shakes?

You've had whey too much!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lym01/how_do_you_know_youre_drinking_too_many_protein/
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My dad always told me...

Always B sharp and B natural, but never B flat.
Safe to say, I'm a terrible musician. Thanks a lot, dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lyd5n/my_dad_always_told_me/
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Have you heard about the guy who got frozen to the absolute freezing point?

Don't worry, he's 0K now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ly9jw/have_you_heard_about_the_guy_who_got_frozen_to/
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I gave my russian wife a shirt..

but all she did was iron curtains.
PS: Found a similar comment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ly3l2/i_gave_my_russian_wife_a_shirt/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walked......
J.k. Rolling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxzg3/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
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What's worse then ants in your pants?

Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxzaq/whats_worse_then_ants_in_your_pants/
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How did the gay wizard dissappear?

He went with a poof!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxvju/how_did_the_gay_wizard_dissappear/
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What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080p

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxsjz/what_do_you_call_crystal_clear_urine/
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When is it time for bed at the Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxqnu/when_is_it_time_for_bed_at_the_neverland_ranch/
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If I had a dollar for everytime I got laid...

I'd be a prostitute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxqk2/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_everytime_i_got_laid/
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Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxn9b/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
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Why did the gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chickens foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxn31/why_did_the_gum_cross_the_road/
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What movie title best fits The Flash's sex life?

The Fast and the Furious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxmdj/what_movie_title_best_fits_the_flashs_sex_life/
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A woman visits an astrologer

Astrologer: Would you like me to tell you your husband's future?
Woman: No you tell me his past, I'll decide his future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxlhu/a_woman_visits_an_astrologer/
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I was going to take another trip to the pencil museum

but decided it was pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxjxh/i_was_going_to_take_another_trip_to_the_pencil/
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A boy is having trouble in math...

and it seems no matter what his parents do he just does not get it. His parents are worried because their otherwise straight A son won't be able to move on in school if he can't pass math. They try everything from math games, to private tutors, to offering cash rewards and nothing seems to have the slightest impact.
Finally they resort to changing schools and they still have no luck. At the end of their rope, they send him to a prestigious catholic school, ready to give up on him if it doesn't work. After his first day he comes straight home and heads up stairs without saying a word. His mom finds this curious and follows him to his room to find he is hard at work studying the math books they have bought him.
She is very surprised, but decides to let him work and not say anything. This trend continues for 6 weeks until his report card finally arrives and his parents open to find his highest grade is now in math. Utterly shocked they run up to his room and excitedly ask him what is happening. He turns to look at them with an exhausted and almost worried expression on his face and says, "Well, on the first day when I saw that man nailed to the plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxhzd/a_boy_is_having_trouble_in_math/
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There are three unwritten rules of life.

1.
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxhc1/there_are_three_unwritten_rules_of_life/
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When i heard they had invented a cure for dyslexia....

It was music to my arse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxgrz/when_i_heard_they_had_invented_a_cure_for_dyslexia/
%
Did you hear about the Grizzly that killed a camper?

He used his bear hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxdq2/did_you_hear_about_the_grizzly_that_killed_a/
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Little Johnny skipped school one day...

and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxdnb/little_johnny_skipped_school_one_day/
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I've started a time travellers club

The first meeting will be yesterday at 5pm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lxd54/ive_started_a_time_travellers_club/
%
My friend said I twist everything to my advantage.

I took it as a compliment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lx8lo/my_friend_said_i_twist_everything_to_my_advantage/
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Last week I tried talking to a politician about rape laws...

She couldn't see where I was coming from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lx87z/last_week_i_tried_talking_to_a_politician_about/
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Timmy meets his future self...

Little Timmy was awakened from a sound sleep to a bright flash and a strange capsule like object in his bedroom.  As Timmy cowered with his sheet pulled up to his chin, a door opened and out stepped a man who was the adult version of Timmy.  In a soothing voice he told Timmy that he was his future self who came back in time to see him.  Little Timmy brightened up and with a smile asked what he was going to be when he grew up.  Future Timmy locked the bedroom door, turned, smiled at Timmy and said, “a pedophile Timmy, a pedophile.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lx7z0/timmy_meets_his_future_self/
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What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Donald Trump's tie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lx6gb/whats_18_inches_long_and_hangs_in_front_of_an/
%
What do you call a black man flying a plane?

The pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lx03w/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_flying_a_plane/
%
What do your sister and snow have in common?

I plow both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lwwfv/what_do_your_sister_and_snow_have_in_common/
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A man walks into a bar on a Wednesday afternoon...

The bar is empty and the bartender is busy in the back washing glasses, so the man calls out, "Hey bartender, could I get a beer please?"
The bartender pours him a beer from the tap and sets a bowl of nuts in front of him, then returns to the back to continue cleaning.
The Man is sitting there drinking his beer and eating the nuts when he hears, "Nice hat!"
He looks about, confused, and then returns to his beer and nuts.
A minute later he hears, "Nice shirt!"
Again he scans the bar, certain of what he heard, but unsure of where it came from.
One minute later he hears, "Nice boots!"  And this time he realizes that the sound is coming from the bowl of nuts.  He calls the bartender over and asks, "Hey bartender.  What kind of nuts are you serving here?"
And the bartender responds, "Oh, those are complimentary nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lwvsx/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_on_a_wednesday_afternoon/
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Dead Ringer

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lwv3z/dead_ringer/
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Donald Trump's autobiography comes out next week.

Chapter 11 takes up most of the book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lwut3/donald_trumps_autobiography_comes_out_next_week/
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Why DID David Cameron fuck a dead pig, anyway?

The live ones wouldn't hold still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lwq2t/why_did_david_cameron_fuck_a_dead_pig_anyway/
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What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graiins!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lwd0c/what_do_vegetarian_zombies_eat/
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A joke told to me by an old lady on the phone while i was at work.

What are the three words you don't want to hear while having sex? "Honey I'm home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lw7dh/a_joke_told_to_me_by_an_old_lady_on_the_phone/
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What do Orphans get for Christmas?

Lonely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lw45x/what_do_orphans_get_for_christmas/
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What do you name the male and female twin monkeys?

Abe and Anna

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lw1e5/what_do_you_name_the_male_and_female_twin_monkeys/
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I had developed a porn addiction, but now I come here instead.

These jokes really turn me off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lvyo9/i_had_developed_a_porn_addiction_but_now_i_come/
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What do you do when an elephant comes into a room?

Swim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lvu5v/what_do_you_do_when_an_elephant_comes_into_a_room/
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Can Neon form a chemical bond with Indium?

NeIn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lvows/can_neon_form_a_chemical_bond_with_indium/
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What do you call a werewolf who has taken an interest in social justice?

Awarewolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lvo3q/what_do_you_call_a_werewolf_who_has_taken_an/
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What is the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lvjy4/what_is_the_difference_between_snow_men_and_snow/
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Dear Father, I've sinned

A man walks into the confessional and says
'Dear Father, I've sinned, I've slept with a mother and daughter at the same time.'
And the priest says 'thank you my son, may I ask how long its been since your last confession'
'I've never been to a confession, I'm Jewish'
so the priests asks 'Then why are you telling me?'
'Because I'm telling everyone'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lvelp/dear_father_ive_sinned/
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What's Hitler's least favorite planet?

Jewpiter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lvdbn/whats_hitlers_least_favorite_planet/
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LPT: If you are a minor, get rid of your bathroom mirror so you won't see yourself naked and accidentally get arrested and registered as a sex offender.

Spread the word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lvd0y/lpt_if_you_are_a_minor_get_rid_of_your_bathroom/
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Why were all Roman buildings made of stone?

They crucified the carpenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lvbzi/why_were_all_roman_buildings_made_of_stone/
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I exclusively use internet explorer

to download Google chrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lv599/i_exclusively_use_internet_explorer/
%
My dad is a blackjack dealer.

He hit me until I was 21.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lv3pd/my_dad_is_a_blackjack_dealer/
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I sold my sole to the Devil yesterday...

He was pretty pissed off when he found out it wasn't a typo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lv2mb/i_sold_my_sole_to_the_devil_yesterday/
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A man is trying to sell his offbrand car

And is depressed that no one will buy it. He meets with his friend and tells him he is depressed because no one wants to buy his car. His friend then gets an idea and says "why don't you go to the store and buy a Mercedes logo and put it on the hood of the car and maybe that'll attract more people to buy your car." So the man goes and buys a Mercedes logo and puts it on his car. He meets with his friend the next day and the man is happy. His friend asks "you seem very happy today does that mean you sold your car?" The man replies "No I own a Mercedes! Why would I want to sell it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lux1h/a_man_is_trying_to_sell_his_offbrand_car/
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TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3luw7p/til_the_american_flag_planted_on_the_moon_is_now/
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I have a exotic girlfriend from a foreign nation. She is from...

..... Imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lussl/i_have_a_exotic_girlfriend_from_a_foreign_nation/
%
A police officer pulls over an Amish couple in a horse-drawn buggy.

The husband sticks his hand out and says "Hi officer, is there a problem?"
The police officer says, "Sir, are you aware that you have a rope tied around your horse's dick and sack?"
Confused, the Amish man says "The wife and I will take care of it as soon as we get home."
After driving away, the wife sticks her head out of the back and asks, "What was that about?"
Her husband replied, "I'm not quite sure,  but he mentioned something about our Emergency Brake. I'll have to check it when we get home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lupaq/a_police_officer_pulls_over_an_amish_couple_in_a/
%
Whenever I tell dad jokes,

he laughs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3luki4/whenever_i_tell_dad_jokes/
%
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor

were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3luj5u/a_young_wife_her_boorish_husband_and_a_young_good/
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What's David Cameron's favourite Shakespeare play?

Hamlet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3luicq/whats_david_camerons_favourite_shakespeare_play/
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Two former spies marry...

The night of their wedding, the go to an opulent hotel room and have a splendid night of love-making, eating caviar off toast points, champagne and strawberries, the whole nine yards. Once they've worn each other out, they drift toward sleep when the new bride suddenly shakes her husband awake.
"Honey, I know it's silly to feel this way, but I feel like our room is bugged. Would you check?" So he gets up to look about the bed, looks over their toiletries, the furniture, even in the toilet and bathtub. But he finds nothing. He comes back to bed with the assurance that they're fine. They start slipping into sleep again when she again shakes her husband. "I just can't help it," she tells him. "I feel like we're being watched."
So again, he gets out of bed to check along the corners of the room, around the television and windows, then around the doors, but still finds nothing. "Sweetheart, I promise you, there is nothing there."
"I just feel unsafe," she explains, and he searches a third time. Finally, after all his searching, he pulls back the massive rug beneath the bed to find an odd metal piece. "This has to be the bug," he decides and goes about pulling it apart. Now that his wife is relieved and feels safe, he comes back to bed so they can have a blissful night of sleep.
The next morning, they are woken to the bellhop bringing them breakfast. As he serves them, he asks, "Did you have a pleasant sleep? Were you okay through the night? Did anything weird happen to you?" Both assure him that they had a wonderful night, and no, nothing strange happened. They ask him why he asks.
"Well, it's strange," he says, "but the people below you somehow had a chandelier fall on top of them during the night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lug2b/two_former_spies_marry/
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Convert today! $5000

Two elderly Jewish men were walking along when they came across a sign "Convert today! $5000."  One of the men was interested and said he was going to see what it was all about.  His friend had no interest and said he would wait on a bench.  After 8 hours finally the man returns from the church.
"What happened that took forever?"
"Well the priest sat me down and explained to me all the things I have been doing wrong in my life.  I realized he was right and I have converted."
"Yea yea but what about the $5000?"
"Jesus Christ is that all you people think about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3luf70/convert_today_5000/
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A cunt.

What do you call someone who says the punchline before the joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3luerv/a_cunt/
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A Dumb blonde is pulled over by a cop...

He says: You were going 95km/h.
The dumb blonde responds: but I haven't been driving for an hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lue92/a_dumb_blonde_is_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
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Little Johnny joke

Teacher was going over words in class, and asked her students to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny was squirming, so he called out, "Teacher, I need to go take a shit!" She told him to sit down. "You can't go to the bathroom until you have used definitely in a sentence."
He thought about it, then said, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher said, "No, the sky is not really blue. Molecules scattered in the air make it look blue." So he thought some more, then said, "I am definitely getting a puppy for Christmas." Teacher said, "You may get a kitten or gerbil for Christmas, so you can't say you're definitely getting a puppy."
After a little more thought, he asked, "Do farts have lumps?" She said no, they didn't, so he replied, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lue5f/little_johnny_joke/
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What is the difference between a dentist and a New York baseball fan?

One yanks for the roots, the other roots for the Yanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lu891/what_is_the_difference_between_a_dentist_and_a/
%
A boy asks his father, "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs aren't really green?"

The father replies, "It's just an expression, son. Just like how they say a person is caught stealing red-handed, even though his hands are actually black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lu5hz/a_boy_asks_his_father_why_do_they_say_gardeners/
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My roommate says I have schizophrenia

Jokes on him! I don't have a roommate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lu3k6/my_roommate_says_i_have_schizophrenia/
%
A young monk went fishing

A young monk goes fishing with two other much older and experienced monks. While out in the boat one of the older monks realizes he has forgotten his favorite hook, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, and returns shortly with his favorite hook. The young monk is stunned at this sight. A short while later the other older monk needs to recover a fishing cork he has dropped into the lake. He gets out of the boat, walks across the water about 15 feet, picks up the cork, and returns to the boat. The young monk is wide eyed at this miracle, knowing full well that what he though the impossible can be done. Time passes and the young monk makes up an excuse to go ashore so he steps out of the boat, sinks over his head in the very cold water, and he comes bobbing and sputtering to the surface. While treading water and feeling humiliated he asks the two monks, "How did you do that? The walking on water." One of the old monk replied, "it is easy if you know where the rocks are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lu0l3/a_young_monk_went_fishing/
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I posted a joke about a coffin before on reddit

It got buried

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ltxrc/i_posted_a_joke_about_a_coffin_before_on_reddit/
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I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area,

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ltviw/i_was_in_the_supermarket_when_i_got_a_message_on/
%
What's wrong with a chameleon that can't change colors?

He has a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ltr9h/whats_wrong_with_a_chameleon_that_cant_change/
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Q: What did the judge say about the man shot twelve times by the police?

A: The most horrific suicide scenario I have ever heard of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ltl41/q_what_did_the_judge_say_about_the_man_shot/
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Two Communists are hanging out at a nudist park...

One says, "So, have you read Marx?"
"Yeah, it's these damn wicker chairs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ltf1d/two_communists_are_hanging_out_at_a_nudist_park/
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Sherlock and Watson Go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ltc0q/sherlock_and_watson_go_camping/
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What do you call a popular joke on reddit?

repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lt70l/what_do_you_call_a_popular_joke_on_reddit/
%
Peanut butter and Jelly flavoured apples

A man is walking by a fruit stand and sees a sign for "Peanut Butter and Jelly flavoured Apples" so out of curiosity he asks the fruit vendor for a sample.
The man bites in to the Apple.
"Wow that tastes just like peanut butter, but you said it tastes like peanut butter AND jelly."
The vendor replies "Flip it around!"
And sure enough the other side tasted like jelly.
The man now astonished by this apple, asks about any other flavors.
The vendor says, "Sure I do! I even have an apple that tastes just like pussy. Try it!"
The man bites into it. With an expression of pure disgust he spits it out.
"This tastes like shit!!"
The fruit vendor replies, "Flip it around!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lt5sl/peanut_butter_and_jelly_flavoured_apples/
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Guy invites friend over for dinner

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the dumb shit is thinking about getting married.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lt53j/guy_invites_friend_over_for_dinner/
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I got hit by a truck with a camouflage paint job.

It came out of nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lt4xf/i_got_hit_by_a_truck_with_a_camouflage_paint_job/
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The "penguin"

A guy who's strapped for cash asks a prostitute what he can get for $10. She replies, "Well, for 10 bucks I'll give you a 'penguin.'" "Okay... Sure, I'll take it."
So she gets down on her knees, lowers his pants, and begins giving him a blowjob. But right before he is about to cum, she gets up and walks away. The guy is confused, and starts to waddle after her, with his pants still around his ankles. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!?"
Got this from an old PlayBoy magazine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lt1wx/the_penguin/
%
Jewish Car

Did you hear about the new Jewish car?
Not only can it turn on a dime, but it can go back and pick it up too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lt13i/jewish_car/
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I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...

There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.
The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lt00w/ive_just_taken_my_sausages_back_to_the_butchers/
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[Request] What's your favorite adult-themed Halloween joke?

My favorite is:
"There's a maniac living in our neighborhood. He goes house-to-house leaving severed body parts on the doorstep.
He gives me the willies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsy3v/request_whats_your_favorite_adultthemed_halloween/
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A time traveller walks into a bar...

http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsgus/and_the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsvu6/a_time_traveller_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the Hell out of it.
My 12-year-old daughter claims to have invented this joke this weekend. I don't know if it's original or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsupi/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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Why are british employees fat

Because they get paid by the pound

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsqc0/why_are_british_employees_fat/
%
What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice?

The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lspus/whats_the_difference_between_a_musician_and_a_bag/
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Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

because they taste funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsovu/why_dont_cannibals_eat_clowns/
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A family bought a machine that beeps everytime it hears a lie.

The son comes home from school.
"Did you get any grades today?" asks the mom.
"Yes, i got an A."...BEEP "Ok, i got an F" The son corrects himself.
The dad comes up to the son and says "Son, when I was your age, I was a straight A student"...BEEP
The mom then starts laughing and says "You guys have so much in common, i can already tell he is your son"...BEEP

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsotr/a_family_bought_a_machine_that_beeps_everytime_it/
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Why did the drill sergeant get a dishonorable discharge?

He couldn't keep his hands off his privates

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsoc1/why_did_the_drill_sergeant_get_a_dishonorable/
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How do rainbows laugh?

Hue hue hue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsnmh/how_do_rainbows_laugh/
%
The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
"What...you coming empty handed?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsngq/the_jewish_elbow/
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"How does it feel to live without the Internet?"

I met an Amish man who gave me a ride when my car was broken down.
Me: "So, what's it like to live without the internet?"
Amish Man: "Pretty swell. I just get pictures of your mom through the mail."
[OH SNAP!](http://reactiongif.org/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/08/GIF-amazing-classic-funny-OMG-rap-rapper-shocked-stare-Supa-Hot-Fire-surprised-GIF.gif)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsmjy/how_does_it_feel_to_live_without_the_internet/
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Three Ladies Died and Went to Heaven...

When they arrived, St. Peter greeted them and said: "You may do whatever you please in Heaven, but don't step on the ducks." As expected, there were ducks everywhere.
Very soon, one of the ladies stepped on a duck. St. Peter came to the woman and handcuffed her to a hideously ugly man. "For stepping on a duck, you will be forced to be with this ugly man for the rest of eternity."
The second lady tried extremely hard not to step on a duck, but soon failed. St. Peter came again and handcuffed her to a hideously ugly man. "For stepping on a duck, you will have to spend the rest of eternity with this ugly man," he told her before leaving.
The third woman was determined to not step on any ducks. After a few months of not stepping on a duck, St. Peter came to her with a gorgeously handsome man. He then handcuffed them to each other and told them that they would have to spend eternity together.
After he had left, the woman asked what she could have did to have deserve such a handsome man. The man simply answered: "I don't know lady, but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsltz/three_ladies_died_and_went_to_heaven/
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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100....
Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lslbl/a_fellow_bought_a_new_mercedes_and_was_out_on_the/
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Why did the fire fighter go in to save his friend first, and then fight the fire?

Because... bros before hose!!!  Wubbulubbadub-dub!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lslbj/why_did_the_fire_fighter_go_in_to_save_his_friend/
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Little Johnny's class goes to the farm

And they get to see all the animals. The next day at school the teacher asks the kids what sounds the animals made. She starts by asking Tommy what sound a cow makes. Tommy responds with "moo", she then asks Susie what sound a sheep makes. Susie responds with a "baa", after a few more turns she gets to little Johnny and asks him what sound a pig makes. Johnny stands up and takes a deep breath then yells "Put your hands on the wall motherfucker!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lskg9/little_johnnys_class_goes_to_the_farm/
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A mushroom walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here!"
And the mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsk7w/a_mushroom_walks_into_a_bar/
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What children think

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsjgz/what_children_think/
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...and the bartender says, "sorry. We don't serve time travellers."

http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsvu6/a_time_traveller_walks_into_a_bar/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsgus/and_the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
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A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up...

When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes.
"Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly.
"Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine."
"That's right!" He says.
After she strips, he starts groping her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?
"Sure," she says, "you're checking for lumps."
The doctor, growing more bold, slips his finger between her legs.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes, you're checking for any problems down there."
"That's exactly right!" The doctor says.
He can't contain himself any longer and proceeds to pull out his cock and begin thrusting it in and out of her like a crazed animal.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" The doctor asks, panting.
The woman responds, "Yes, you're getting herpes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsgd5/a_hot_blonde_goes_to_the_gynaecologist_for_a/
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What does Britain and a dead pig have in common?

Both have been fucked by David Cameron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsfz7/what_does_britain_and_a_dead_pig_have_in_common/
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Little Johnny's 1st day of school.

It was Little Johnny's first day of school. His new teacher introduced herself. "My name is Miss Pursy. Any of you who remember my name tomorrow will receive a prize." Little Johnny said to himself. "I can remember her name! Pussy with an R." All that night and the next morning, he repeated it to himself - "Pussy with an R". When he got to school, the teacher asked who remembered her name. Johnny's hand was up instantly. "What is my name?" she said. Little Johnny replied  "Miss Crunt"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsc52/little_johnnys_1st_day_of_school/
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A zoophile, a pyromaniac, a necrophile and a masochist are siiting on a bench...

... in a park. The zoophile comes up with a twisted idea:
"Let's find a cat and fuck its brains out", he says.
"Yeah, and then let's burn it to a crisp!", adds the pyro.
"Brilliant idea, so we can fuck it, burn it, then fuck it again", says the necrophile.
The masochist's eyes light up as he says: "MEOW!"
I'd like to dedicate this joke to our dearest David Cameron in the light of the recent piggate scandal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsc1k/a_zoophile_a_pyromaniac_a_necrophile_and_a/
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How do you make a Welsh person comfortable while playing Scrabble?

Remove the vowels in his rack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ls5ne/how_do_you_make_a_welsh_person_comfortable_while/
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Did you see that crazy news story on the internet?

Of course. You reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ls3tq/did_you_see_that_crazy_news_story_on_the_internet/
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Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody.

This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ls0i9/everybody_somebody_anybody_and_nobody/
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Why do Jewish men get circumsized?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 30% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lrtv3/why_do_jewish_men_get_circumsized/
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A Woman walks into a sex shop to buy a dildo

"I want that one.." She points to a massive display of dildos on the wall.
The manager picks up one of the best sellers: "This is one of our popular models. It feels very real."
She points back to the wall & says.."No. I want that one..." So, the manager picks up another one:
"Ah..this model just arrived. Comes with multiple vibration settings & textures but quite pricey.."
The woman's eyes light up when she finally sees a big, bright red shiny one at the corner of the wall display.
"That one! I want that. How much is it?"
The manager says: "Oh sorry. That's not for sale. That's the Fire Extinguisher".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lrrm0/a_woman_walks_into_a_sex_shop_to_buy_a_dildo/
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Little Johnny....back for more.

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny." Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision." "That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lrimy/little_johnnyback_for_more/
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Little Johnny...one more time.

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny. "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lra98/little_johnnyone_more_time/
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Chemistry Puns

What do you do with a dying chemist? If you can't helium, you might as well barium. That joke was quite the knee-slapper, wasn't it. I certainly slapped my neon that one. It was just so-dium funny. Why do chemists like high altitudes? The views arsenic. If you're not laughing yet, don't worry. I'm only through with hafnium. Come on, I think ironed some laughter for that one. Where do chemists wash their dishes? In the zinc. I'm sorry if you didn't like that one. I'm no einsteinium. I would tell you another one, but I think they all argon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lr9o7/chemistry_puns/
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Little Johnny...again.

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lr8ve/little_johnnyagain/
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Little Johnny...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lr6g4/little_johnny/
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What do you call a Mexican Goat?

Amigoat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lr5tu/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_goat/
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A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars

The Judge asked "First time offender?"
She replied, "No, first time a Gibson, then a Fender."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lr5gq/a_woman_is_accused_of_attacking_her_husband_with/
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Creationism vs Evolution.....sorta.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lr53k/creationism_vs_evolutionsorta/
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Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana?

Because he was in a wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lr3d2/why_didnt_superman_rescue_princess_diana/
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How are fat girls and mopeds similar?

They are fun to ride, but you don’t want your friends to find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lr21n/how_are_fat_girls_and_mopeds_similar/
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A young boy who has diarrhea asks his mom for some viagra...

She asks him why on earth he would want that, and the boy replies, "isn't that the stuff you give Dad when his shit isn't hard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lr1yy/a_young_boy_who_has_diarrhea_asks_his_mom_for/
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Donald Trump is not actually a member of the Republican Party

He's a *Whig*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lr0tz/donald_trump_is_not_actually_a_member_of_the/
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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

'ell if I know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lr06x/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_with_a/
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What do you call a slutty mermaid?

An H2hoe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lqyxn/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_mermaid/
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How are parsley and pubic hair similar?

You push them both aside and start eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lqyke/how_are_parsley_and_pubic_hair_similar/
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Mom, am I ugly?

"Of course not, honey. You have everything a man wants, a deep voice, broad shoulders, facial hair..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lqwye/mom_am_i_ugly/
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So a guy walks into a bar with a monkey...

...he steps up to the bar and orders a drink. The monkey scampers over to the billiards table, picks up the 8 ball and swallows it whole. The bartender says "Hey, your monkey just swallowed the 8 ball." The guy replies "It's cool, just put it on my tab." He finishes his drink and leaves with his monkey.
The next week he comes back to the bar with his monkey, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The monkey picks up a peanut out of the bowl sitting on the bar, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender says "Hey, that monkey just stuck a peanut up his ass before eating it." The guy says "Yeah, after that 8 ball he checks everything for size now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lqw41/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_monkey/
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Only and only when

a mosquito lands on your balls do you realize there are some problems that can be solved without violence :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lqudz/only_and_only_when/
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What is the friend zone?

It's the space between girlfriend and girl friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lqsy7/what_is_the_friend_zone/
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A middle aged man needs to buy condoms, but he doesn't know what size he needs...

So he asks the cashier at the checkout line.  She reaches over the counter, grabs his crotch, and calls out over the intercom, "Medium condoms needed at register 3!"
An older gentleman has the same problem later that day, so the woman grabs his crotch and calls out, "Large condoms needed at register 3!"
A few minutes later a 16 year old boy walks in with the same dilemma. The woman grabs his crotch and calls out, "Clean-up at register 3!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lqsej/a_middle_aged_man_needs_to_buy_condoms_but_he/
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How does Yoda spend his time.

He mostly just sits on his log, watching the Dagobah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lqnks/how_does_yoda_spend_his_time/
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Did you know Jesus has nice abs?

He does crossfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lqmvz/did_you_know_jesus_has_nice_abs/
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All Men Go to Heaven...

...and upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells the recently departed to form two lines:  one for the 'man of the house'; and a second for those obedient and dutiful to their wives.  The first line had only 1 man standing in it, while the second line was miles long.
St. Peter turns to the one man standing in the first line and asks, "Man, how did you end up in this line?!"
To which the man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lqlcy/all_men_go_to_heaven/
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If children refuse to sleep during nap time...

...are they guilty of resisting a rest?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lqgky/if_children_refuse_to_sleep_during_nap_time/
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Anybody ever taken a Billy may's poop

everytime you think it's over it's like but wait there's more

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lqfnt/anybody_ever_taken_a_billy_mays_poop/
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“Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there’s no doubt about it: you’re pregnant.”

Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. “Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there’s no doubt about it: you’re pregnant.”
“Impossible,” she cried, and fainted dead away. When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her seventy-eight-year-old husband, and screeched, “You’ve knocked me up, you randy old goat!”
There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, “And to whom am I speaking?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lqekz/mrs_barber_medically_impossible_though_it_seems/
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Why are yachts and ships so scary?

Because they're for boating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lqbiy/why_are_yachts_and_ships_so_scary/
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I recently switched to an all Middle Eastern diet and can't say I recommend it

I falafel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lq728/i_recently_switched_to_an_all_middle_eastern_diet/
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I bought one of those glow in the dark condoms...

You should have seen her face light up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lptd7/i_bought_one_of_those_glow_in_the_dark_condoms/
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How is an American teen girl different from an Arab teen girl.

An American teen girl gets stoned *before* she has sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lplws/how_is_an_american_teen_girl_different_from_an/
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The 2014 world limbo champion walks into a bar...

and loses his title.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lplgn/the_2014_world_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
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"Have you heard about the new rule in boxing?"

... James asked his friend Jake. Jake hadn't.
- Basically, to reduce the number of blows under the belt that boxers deliver and receive, their outfits will feature a line just above the waist that they must aim for with every hit.
- What? That's ridiculous! Is there something written on it?
- Of course! __This is the punchline__."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lpkv2/have_you_heard_about_the_new_rule_in_boxing/
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I met a local girl when I was in Shanghai, I asked her if she could escort me

for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her.
She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight"
Wow, I'm guessing this is  how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then, My friend interpreted for me & told me what she really said : 666136429.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lpki6/i_met_a_local_girl_when_i_was_in_shanghai_i_asked/
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I want to start my own distillery, but i'm a bit hesitant....

it's a whisky business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lpiiz/i_want_to_start_my_own_distillery_but_im_a_bit/
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The European Commission has announced that English is the official Language of the EU

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lpifh/the_european_commission_has_announced_that/
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A C++ error walks into a bar...

A C++ error walks into a bar. The bartender looks up at it and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve bugs here". The error replies "But I'm an EXCEPTION!"
Haaaaaaaaaa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lpe6a/a_c_error_walks_into_a_bar/
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Old bankers never die...

...They just lose interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lpbtp/old_bankers_never_die/
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For Sale: Starter motor for Perpetual Motion Machine.

Only used once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lp659/for_sale_starter_motor_for_perpetual_motion/
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What kind of water do you put into a waterbed?

Spring water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lp3pa/what_kind_of_water_do_you_put_into_a_waterbed/
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and gets the punch...
there is no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lp3hg/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
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My mum told my girlfriend that I'm a big softy.

She said, "No he isn't, he's not even big when he's erect."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lp29g/my_mum_told_my_girlfriend_that_im_a_big_softy/
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Bunny Wabbits

A little girl steps into a pet shop, walks up to a sales associate, and says, "I would wike to buy a wabbit, pwease.."
The woman takes one look at the little girl, and her heart melts. The child had big, bright eyes,  a little button nose, pig tails - she's cuter than Shirley Temple. She scrunches down to the girl's eye level, and gushes:
"Weww, what kind of bunny wabbit would you wike? Do you want a white bunny, or a bwack bunny, or a bwown bunny, or maybe a cawwico bunny?"
"Gee, I don't know," the girl replies, looking down and shuffling her feet ... "I weawwy don't fink my pyfon gives a cwap".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lp0yt/bunny_wabbits/
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How do you show your appreciation towards black holes?

Thanks for nothing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3loz8n/how_do_you_show_your_appreciation_towards_black/
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Leather armor is the best for sneaking...

...because it's made out of hide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3loyx7/leather_armor_is_the_best_for_sneaking/
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Did I ever tell you about how I lost my job at Tropicana?

I couldn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lopfq/did_i_ever_tell_you_about_how_i_lost_my_job_at/
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I'm writing a book about introverts.

It's not coming out any time soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lol0j/im_writing_a_book_about_introverts/
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What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?

I've never paid 100$ to have a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lokz3/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
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what's the difference between an Al-Qaeda training camp and a Pakistani day care?

fuck if i know i just fly the drones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lojjk/whats_the_difference_between_an_alqaeda_training/
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I went to the Reddit restaurant

All of its servers were busy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3logxu/i_went_to_the_reddit_restaurant/
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How do we know Floyd Mayweather isn't a bomb?

Because he can't tell the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lodrd/how_do_we_know_floyd_mayweather_isnt_a_bomb/
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Why did Ahmed Mohamed get delayed at the airport?

he was on a watch list...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3loag8/why_did_ahmed_mohamed_get_delayed_at_the_airport/
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A man tattoos his girlfriend's name on his penis.

A man is dating a woman named Wendy, and as a "romantic" gesture, he gets her name tattooed on his penis, but when he's flaccid, only the first W and final Y are visible.
One day, while he and his girlfriend are on holiday in Jamaica, he is standing at a urinal, when a black Jamaican man walks up next to him.
The man glances down and sees a W and a Y tattooed on the black man's penis.
So the man says to him, "Your girlfriend's name must be Wendy, too. I see we have the same tattoo."
The response comes, "No, I'm a tour guide. Mine says, 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lo6rm/a_man_tattoos_his_girlfriends_name_on_his_penis/
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Wanna hear something gross about USA?

$18.124 trillion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lnxnh/wanna_hear_something_gross_about_usa/
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What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter?

Cheque, mate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lnwv5/what_did_the_australian_chess_player_say_to_the/
%
An Estonian joke.

Little Johnny, wanting to know more about life, asks his father: "Daddy, what's between mommy's legs?"
"Paradise." his father answers.
Little Johnny's curiosity is only growing, so he asks again: "But then what's between your legs?"
"The key to paradise." his father answers.
Little Johnny retorts back: "Then you'd better change the locks, our neighbor has the same key!"
*(Sidenote: In Estonia, Little Johnny's name is Juku.)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lnosu/an_estonian_joke/
%
Why don't Indians eat baguette?

Because there's naan there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lnkre/why_dont_indians_eat_baguette/
%
Why does lightning only strike the French?

Because it follows the path of least resistance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lnjur/why_does_lightning_only_strike_the_french/
%
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows, the findings never replicate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lnjpr/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Some guys beat me up with brass knuckles in broad daylight.

It was a pretty brazen act of violence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lnhv1/some_guys_beat_me_up_with_brass_knuckles_in_broad/
%
"Do you like exotic birds? "

Yea, you do look like you've had a cock-or-two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lngwi/do_you_like_exotic_birds/
%
Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay!

You have my word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lngkh/someone_stole_my_microsoft_office_and_theyre/
%
Just been sacked from my job as a chef for stealing

I've always been a whisk taker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lng6k/just_been_sacked_from_my_job_as_a_chef_for/
%
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs…

...because they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lnf7e/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
%
Mom and Dad said I was bad for putting a cell phone in my vagina but I don't know why.

I always come when I'm called.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lnasy/mom_and_dad_said_i_was_bad_for_putting_a_cell/
%
What does Neil Degrasse Tyson say to pickup a lady?

"Hey, would you like to get astro physical with my dark matter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lna5o/what_does_neil_degrasse_tyson_say_to_pickup_a_lady/
%
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?

The amount of alcohol involved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ln6au/whats_the_difference_between_a_fiddle_and_a_violin/
%
What is it called when you kill a chickpea?

Hummuside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ln4bn/what_is_it_called_when_you_kill_a_chickpea/
%
What does a stripper do to her asshole before she goes to work?

Puts the help wanted ads by the 12pack in the fridge and begs him for the millionth time to look for a job today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ln1xu/what_does_a_stripper_do_to_her_asshole_before_she/
%
Know why vodka is so clear?

Its so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ln1im/know_why_vodka_is_so_clear/
%
I used to be afraid of gardening...

...but then I decided to grow a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lmxz8/i_used_to_be_afraid_of_gardening/
%
Why did Mickey Mouse leave Minnie Mouse?

She was fuckin' Goofy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lms39/why_did_mickey_mouse_leave_minnie_mouse/
%
How do you unite both the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland?

By sending in millions of Muslims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lmr8k/how_do_you_unite_both_the_catholics_and/
%
One day a father gets out of work and remembers it's his daughters birthday...

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, and Ken's Furniture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lmqw6/one_day_a_father_gets_out_of_work_and_remembers/
%
The Aussie Farmer, Osama Bin Laden And A Biker

Three men - a Farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Farmer says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want my land to be forever fertile'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says,'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lmqu4/the_aussie_farmer_osama_bin_laden_and_a_biker/
%
I was standing next to a guy before he was brutally stabbed.

It was a near-death experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lmqf8/i_was_standing_next_to_a_guy_before_he_was/
%
My uncle Died after having a stroke...

right as he came he had a heart attack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lmq2m/my_uncle_died_after_having_a_stroke/
%
Why can't Ganondorf use the Internet?

There's too many Links.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lmoye/why_cant_ganondorf_use_the_internet/
%
The itch from poison ivy is so bad that I just spent hundreds of dollars buying every possible cream and ointment at the pharmacy.

I need to quit making rash decisions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lmkwk/the_itch_from_poison_ivy_is_so_bad_that_i_just/
%
Thought I could put dolphin in my fish pie.

Until I noticed I was using all porpoise flour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lmjd7/thought_i_could_put_dolphin_in_my_fish_pie/
%
If I hold one moth ball in my right hand and another moth ball in my left, what do I have?

A bloody big moth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lmiqz/if_i_hold_one_moth_ball_in_my_right_hand_and/
%
A person wearing a 'Snitches Get Stitches Shirt'

I walked up to him and asked him where he got it. He said, "At the local mall" I beat his ass up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lmina/a_person_wearing_a_snitches_get_stitches_shirt/
%
A drunk guy walks out of a bar

There's a cop outside who asks him, "What's your name, son?"
The drunk guys answers, "I'm Jesus Christ!"
Cop says, "You are not Jesus Christ. What's your name?"
Drunk guy replies, "I'll prove it. Follow me." The cop follows him back into the bar.
As they enter, the bartender yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you back again?!"
Drunk guys turns to cop and says, "See?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lmgzf/a_drunk_guy_walks_out_of_a_bar/
%
A Native American man walks into a hotel in Las Vegas

The receptionist asks "Do you have a reservation?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lmewj/a_native_american_man_walks_into_a_hotel_in_las/
%
My Uncle was fired for sleeping with one of his patients...

The worst part is that he's a veterinarian.
Lol just kidding, he's a pediatrician.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lmcbn/my_uncle_was_fired_for_sleeping_with_one_of_his/
%
A man walks up to a cop on a horse...

...wow! That's a nice pig you've got!
\-- That's not a pig, sir, but a horse.
\-- I'm not talking to you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lm9xq/a_man_walks_up_to_a_cop_on_a_horse/
%
A family walks into a hotel....

A family walks into a hotel. The father approaches the desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled."
The clerk responds, "sir, I will be more than happy to have the porn disabled."
To which the father replies, "Great! The wife and I are into some sick, kinky shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lm9ff/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
%
I went into a medical shop.

"Have you got anything for irritation?"
"Yes," he said, "But where exactly?"
I said, "Fuck knows, you tell me. It's your shop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lm975/i_went_into_a_medical_shop/
%
I would tell you a joke about a vampire...

...but it would probably suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lm775/i_would_tell_you_a_joke_about_a_vampire/
%
Why couldn't R get to P?

He had to wait in a Q!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lm6fw/why_couldnt_r_get_to_p/
%
79 million people are without access to drinkable water

Though on the bright side, the number is decreasing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lly1c/79_million_people_are_without_access_to_drinkable/
%
Two cats cross a river... first cats name is un deux trois. The second cats name is one two three. Which cat made it across?

The second cat because un deux trois cat sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lltnr/two_cats_cross_a_river_first_cats_name_is_un_deux/
%
Young boy comes home from school early from school, his mother asks him why he's home early...

Boy: 'the headmaster expelled me from school for using the C word in class!'
Mum: 'That wasn't clever was it'
Boy: 'No, it was cunt'
Sorry if repostage :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3llpsg/young_boy_comes_home_from_school_early_from/
%
A father goes to a toy store...

And ask for a barbie for his daughter birthday
"are you looking for anything in special?"
"what do you have?"
"we have nurse Barbie for $40, Barbie Astronaut for $60, divorce Barbie for $300   "
"wait, why is divorce barbie so expensive?"
"Because it comes with kens house, kens car..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lllg8/a_father_goes_to_a_toy_store/
%
I had to check my printer because I thought I heard music coming from it.

It was the paper jamming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3llkct/i_had_to_check_my_printer_because_i_thought_i/
%
my wife and i decided to adopt

we adopted a buoy.
his name is bob

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3llj7t/my_wife_and_i_decided_to_adopt/
%
My girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink.

Apparently cough syrup wasn't what she was after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3llgl4/my_girlfriend_asked_me_to_get_her_a_cold_drink/
%
Let's create some jokes, Reddit.

You can only reply with 1 word to help create the joke, my last thread didn't work when I said to make a story, but I think making a joke would be better. I'll start it, let's see what we can come up with!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lldqq/lets_create_some_jokes_reddit/
%
What are pigskins used for?

Holding the pig together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3llaee/what_are_pigskins_used_for/
%
TIL you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once

Whoops wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ll81d/til_you_can_get_dishonorably_discharged_from_the/
%
What goes great with Alphabet Soup?

Times New Ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ll7x8/what_goes_great_with_alphabet_soup/
%
Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ll7sr/who_is_this_rorschach_guy/
%
What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle ?

A tire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ll4ol/what_is_the_difference_between_a_sharply_dressed/
%
Claude The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." Said
Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew
from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude,
holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family
for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch."
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
One hundred fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to
the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and
Claude was never invited there again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ll3iu/claude_the_hypnotist/
%
My dog kept me awake all night.

Dreadful diarrhoea.
Don't think I cooked him properly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ll2tl/my_dog_kept_me_awake_all_night/
%
There are two cavemen sitting by a fire... [OC]

One is eating some bugs he found, and he says to the other, "You like beetles?"
and his friend says, "No, *CRUNCH CRUNCH*, me more of a stones guy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lkyc9/there_are_two_cavemen_sitting_by_a_fire_oc/
%
Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lkwiy/two_lawyers_sit_down_in_a_restaurant/
%
If Carly Fiorina really wants to destroy Planned Parenthood, she should become its CEO

<badumpa>

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lksub/if_carly_fiorina_really_wants_to_destroy_planned/
%
What's the difference between woman's breasts and a box of matches?

The matches are made for adults, but kids constantly grab'em and play with them.
The situation is quite opposite with breasts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lkrwr/whats_the_difference_between_womans_breasts_and_a/
%
Two friends are sitting at a train station and they see a dog...

...It's licking it's cock, one of the friends remarks "Wow, I really wish i could do that", the other friend looks at him slightly bemused and says "Give the dog a biscuit and he'll probably let you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lkqvc/two_friends_are_sitting_at_a_train_station_and/
%
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital...

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lkpyg/a_male_patient_is_lying_in_bed_in_the_hospital/
%
The local Cardiologist just died.

And everyone showed up at the funeral with hearts. Hearts of all kinds were put on his casket.
Little Johnny says "Boy, I'm not gonna miss the Gynecologist's funeral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lkppb/the_local_cardiologist_just_died/
%
What came first - the chicken or the egg?

The rooster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lkdjm/what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
An accordion player walks into a bar,

orders a drink and chats up the bartender and the regulars for an hour.
Suddenly, he realizes that not only has he left his instrument in his back seat of his car in full view of passers-by, but he hasn't even locked his doors.
He quickly excuses himself from his conversation and rushes outside and up the block to his vehicle to take care of business, but it was too late.
Sure enough, someone had thrown another accordion in his back seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lk9fc/an_accordion_player_walks_into_a_bar/
%
This is not a dirty joke.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lk5fk/this_is_not_a_dirty_joke/
%
I've decided my left testicle is my favorite

It's more down to earth..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lk2nu/ive_decided_my_left_testicle_is_my_favorite/
%
A young boy is digging a hole in his garden...

A neighbour walks past and says "what's the hole for?"
The boy replies "my goldfish has died"
The neighbour responds, "it's a rather big hole isn't it?"
The boy replies once more "well yes, its got to fit your cat in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ljzwq/a_young_boy_is_digging_a_hole_in_his_garden/
%
Apparently, over 80% of people...

Apparently, over 80% of people don't know the opposites the the following words...
1) Always
2) Coming
3) From
4) Take
5) Me
6) Down
It's even harder, I'm told, to read the opposites of those words out loud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ljvrg/apparently_over_80_of_people/
%
New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ljv9g/new_weights_and_measures/
%
A burglar broke into a home...

He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search. Again "Jesus is watching you" He turned his flashlight around, saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes". He asked the parrot his name. The parrot said Moses. The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said "The same kind of people who would name their Pit Bull Jesus".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ljsml/a_burglar_broke_into_a_home/
%
A man walks into his kitchen with a sheep under his arm when he looks at his wife and says...

"This is the pig I've been fucking when you're not around."
His wife rolls her eyes and replies "that's a sheep, not a pig, idiot."
"I wasn't taking to you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ljqag/a_man_walks_into_his_kitchen_with_a_sheep_under/
%
My grandad had an old dog...

one day, he must have known he was dying, he crawled out into the yard, shit everywhere and died under a car.
We had to give the dog to a shelter after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ljnmv/my_grandad_had_an_old_dog/
%
Guess what I got asked at the hairdresser's earlier.

Fucking everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ljmcn/guess_what_i_got_asked_at_the_hairdressers_earlier/
%
My wife caught me cheating

My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that I have been cheating on her with Clara next door. Last night, she packed her things and was off on her way.
I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ljhvy/my_wife_caught_me_cheating/
%
Non english speakers, translate the best joke you have from your language. Other redditors will have to guess from what country the joke is.

Obviously, names and places will have to be translated too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ljhpb/non_english_speakers_translate_the_best_joke_you/
%
I'm gonna make like a standards censor

and get the fuck outta here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ljghk/im_gonna_make_like_a_standards_censor/
%
What happens if you put a mirror in a garage?

A mirage!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ljf41/what_happens_if_you_put_a_mirror_in_a_garage/
%
What Does Every Pirate Hate?

A small chest with no booty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ljdpp/what_does_every_pirate_hate/
%
The night before the wedding

The bride-to-be and her bridesmaids were giggling over tequila and strawberry daiquiris at the bachelorette party. The maid of honor started a game of truth or dare.
"If your boyfriend were a soda, what would he be?" she slurred at the other bridesmaid.
"7-Up, because he's got seven inches and he can keep it up. What about you?"
"Mountain Dew. He knows how to mount and do me. And what about the future Mrs. Johnson? What kind of soda is Matt?"
"Jack Daniels," said the bride proudly.
"But that's not a soda! Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!" protested her friends.
The bride looked at them and said, "Girls, why do you think I'm marrying him?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lj2ev/the_night_before_the_wedding/
%
Never trust acupuncturists

they are backstabbers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3liws1/never_trust_acupuncturists/
%
I'm not sure how I feel about people who are missing an arm.

On one hand, they're probably nice people...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3livmj/im_not_sure_how_i_feel_about_people_who_are/
%
I once told a woman I could give her twelve inches.

I just needed to make four three inch installments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3litsw/i_once_told_a_woman_i_could_give_her_twelve_inches/
%
Dildos are like Pokemon cards...

No matter how good your collection, it isn't worth anything if you got them sticky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lit4a/dildos_are_like_pokemon_cards/
%
Why do gay men float?

Flambuoyancy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3liqtu/why_do_gay_men_float/
%
What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water?

Dolphout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3liq40/what_do_you_call_a_dolphin_that_is_out_of_the/
%
How can you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?

you clean your d*ck with the curtains

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lijoy/how_can_you_make_your_wife_scream_for_an_hour/
%
Two fish are sitting in a tank

One says to the other one, " do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lifzm/two_fish_are_sitting_in_a_tank/
%
A quick thing I would like to say to the man who invented Zero...

Thanks for nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lic1y/a_quick_thing_i_would_like_to_say_to_the_man_who/
%
I don't know if I like my new haircut,

but it will grow on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3li5mb/i_dont_know_if_i_like_my_new_haircut/
%
What did the car baby say to his car dad?

Hey dad, let's tell a joke for car ma!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3li2lt/what_did_the_car_baby_say_to_his_car_dad/
%
Clever comebacks to "what's up?"

For example: a ducks ass when it's eating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lhul2/clever_comebacks_to_whats_up/
%
Why should you never bring a fat person to see a dramatic movie?

They will ruin the suspension.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lhsfn/why_should_you_never_bring_a_fat_person_to_see_a/
%
My wife, girlfriend, and slampiece walk into a bar

I'm pretty glad I'm not there right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lhp7h/my_wife_girlfriend_and_slampiece_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I discriminate against people who lose digits on their feet to frostbite.

I guess you could say I am lactose intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lhn24/i_discriminate_against_people_who_lose_digits_on/
%
How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?

She waits until midnight and plugs it back in.
Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lhim7/how_does_a_blonde_set_the_time_on_her_alarm_clock/
%
Gary Coleman died of multiple aneurysms....

which is kind of like Different Strokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lhetv/gary_coleman_died_of_multiple_aneurysms/
%
Redneck Favorite!!

Clean Jokes
Dearest Redneck Son...
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here
took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though.
Last week I put a load of clothes in and  pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since. I hope they come back soon,
like I told your dad we shouldn't have to wear
the same clothes more than a week.
About that coat you wanted me to send;
your Uncle Billy Bob said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two
hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,
but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whisky vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned.
We had him cremated. He burned for three days.
Three of your friends went
off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other two were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Auntiee
P.S. Sorry, I forgot to put some money inside before sealing the envelope,
but I love you n I'll try my darndest to send some with the next letter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lhak7/redneck_favorite/
%
Paddy has a broken leg

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19 year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lh96d/paddy_has_a_broken_leg/
%
South American Blow Job Toad

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.
The guy asks, "What's in the box?"
The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."
The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?"
The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.
"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."
The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.
"Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands.
"South American Blow Job Toad."
"So?" asks the wife.
"So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lh8pb/south_american_blow_job_toad/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women,

black and from the gas station up the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lh2oi/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
Police: Viagra on the Rise as Recreational Drug Amongst Urban Youth

The Boys in the Hood are always hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgyh6/police_viagra_on_the_rise_as_recreational_drug/
%
A relationship is like a house.

If a light bulb burns out you don't replace the entire house.
Unless that house is a lying whore named Tina, then burn that motherfucker to the ground and find a new house.
^fucking ^Tina...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgyg2/a_relationship_is_like_a_house/
%
There was a 25 year old guy walking on a tightrope...

... Across a deep river gorge while half way around the world another 25 year old guy was getting a blow job from a 70 year old woman. BUT at the exact same moment both men were thinking the exact same thought. You know what it was?
Don't look down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgyb4/there_was_a_25_year_old_guy_walking_on_a_tightrope/
%
If an Iron Man movie was made with Magneto as the villain, what would its title be?

Stop hitting yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgxma/if_an_iron_man_movie_was_made_with_magneto_as_the/
%
A man is getting his haircut at the barbershop...

A kid walks in and the barber says to his customer, "this is the dumbest kid in the world, look I'll prove it to you"
The barber takes out a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other and proceeds to ask the kid, "Young man, which of these would you like?"
The kid thinks for a second and then grabs the 2 quarters and leaves.
The barber turns to his customer and says,  "See I told you! He is an idiot!"
After leaving the barbershop, the man sees the kid across the street coming out of the ice cream store.
He walks over and asks, "Hey kid, how come you took the quarter and not the dollar?!?"
The kid responds, "Once I take the dollar, that idiot's game will end"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgxgz/a_man_is_getting_his_haircut_at_the_barbershop/
%
3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire...

...and talking about how tough they are.
The cowboy from Arkansas says, "I'm so tough I once russled a bear with my bare hands".
They all look kind of impressed.
Then the cowboy from New Mexico says, " T'aint nothin. I once stopped a stampede of cattle using a piece of straw, a pinecone and my bare hands."
This is obviously impressing the group. The first 2 cowboys look over at the cowboy from Texas, waiting for his tall tale.
The cowboy from Texas doesn't say a word. Just keep stirring the coals of the fire with the tip of his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgx1t/3_cowboys_are_sitting_around_a_campfire/
%
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim.

When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgvyp/there_was_a_preacher_who_fell_in_the_ocean_and_he/
%
What's the difference between a prostitute and jesus?

The face they make when you nail them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgtm5/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and/
%
What do you call it when you kill an important donkey?

An Assassassination.
I made it up when I was seven and to this day its the only thing I've ever made up that resembles a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgpcn/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_kill_an_important/
%
What do people from West Virginia do on Halloween?

Pump Kin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgno5/what_do_people_from_west_virginia_do_on_halloween/
%
What is the difference between my ex-girlfriend and a beer?

One is pale, bitter and starts off with lots of head and the other one is a beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgk0i/what_is_the_difference_between_my_exgirlfriend/
%
How do you make a dead baby float ?

Two scoops of ice-cream and one scoop of dead baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgiwz/how_do_you_make_a_dead_baby_float/
%
What do you call attempting to jump to light speed before checking the Hyper Drive first?

A Wookie mistake!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgheb/what_do_you_call_attempting_to_jump_to_light/
%
Why did the dyslexic wizard fail Hogwarts?

Cause he couldn't spell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgfu3/why_did_the_dyslexic_wizard_fail_hogwarts/
%
opinions are like birthdays..

everybody has one & I only know yours because of Facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgecu/opinions_are_like_birthdays/
%
So I was fucking my sister...

...and she stops me and says, "Wow you fuck just like Dad." I said, "Yeah, that's what Mom tells me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgdam/so_i_was_fucking_my_sister/
%
So my foreign professor overheard some attractive girls talking about how they like it long and hard.

The exam the next morning sucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgcus/so_my_foreign_professor_overheard_some_attractive/
%
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about suicide.

The librarian says "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgb06/a_man_goes_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book/
%
Son: Dad, how do stars die?

Dad: Drugs, usually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgaiw/son_dad_how_do_stars_die/
%
Student: Can we postpone the test? It's on my birthday.

Teacher: Well unlike your birthday, this test was planned ahead of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lga5y/student_can_we_postpone_the_test_its_on_my/
%
The Smiths invite the Jones' over for dinner...

After dinner, Mrs. Smith is cleaning dishes in the kitchen while Mr. Smith entertains their guests. He begins to tell them about a great restaurant that he recently went to with his wife, but can't remember the name of the establishment.
Mr. Smith: "The food was amazing, great service, but I can't recall the name! Help me out... what's that red flower, it's really fragrant, and people give them out on Valentine's Day?"
The Jones': "You mean a rose?"
Mr. Smith: "Yes that's it! HEY ROSE! WHAT WAS THAT RESTAURANT WE ATE AT LAST WEEK?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lg81j/the_smiths_invite_the_jones_over_for_dinner/
%
Ever heard of the undertaker who accidentally dug another body?

He made a grave mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lg7zp/ever_heard_of_the_undertaker_who_accidentally_dug/
%
I like my women like i like my coffee...

Silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lg6pl/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my iPod.

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."
He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"
I replied, "No, I work in a morgue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lg6jq/my_mate_asked_me_why_i_have_sex_noises_saved_on/
%
Lost my watch at a party

I saw a drunk guy starting to step on it while sexually harassing a girl
I walked up to him and punched him straight to the nose...
Nobody does that to a woman..
Not on my watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lg035/lost_my_watch_at_a_party/
%
The morning of my wife's birthday, I handed her her first gift.

As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand?"
"It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"
"Really?" she said. "What does it do?"
"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words."
"Okay," she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!"
"Fuck me, love!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this."
"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.
I said, "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lfytp/the_morning_of_my_wifes_birthday_i_handed_her_her/
%
The teacher pulled me up infront of the class today..

"This is the worst English test result ever been handed in," she sneered. "Have you anything to say about it?"
"Just two words, Miss," I replied. "Go fuck yourself."
I'm shit at maths, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lfxe8/the_teacher_pulled_me_up_infront_of_the_class/
%
I was on a first date

"How many women have you slept with?" she asked.
I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten?"
"Oh, I say! Go on then," she laughed.
I said, "Zero"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lfvvy/i_was_on_a_first_date/
%
Did you hear about the constipated Mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lfvpe/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
%
Two statisticians are out shooting at a target...

the first one fires and misses to the left about 15 feet. The other one fires and misses to the right about 15 feet. They both go ape shit, high fiving, just all giddy as one of them yell out, "Dude, we fuckin' nailed it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lfvkz/two_statisticians_are_out_shooting_at_a_target/
%
A man gets his Comcast bill through the mail.

He calls Comcast and complains that he has an eye problem. The operator asks "what does the eye problem have to do with paying your bill?" The man responds, " well, I don't see myself paying this bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lfsmd/a_man_gets_his_comcast_bill_through_the_mail/
%
People used to say I would never get over my obsession with Phil Collins....

Well, take a look at me now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lfq60/people_used_to_say_i_would_never_get_over_my/
%
How do you tell a racist joke without getting in trouble?

Write it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lfpmc/how_do_you_tell_a_racist_joke_without_getting_in/
%
I met a girl with twelve nipples...

Sounds funny, dozen tit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lfp3r/i_met_a_girl_with_twelve_nipples/
%
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lfmir/as_a_senior_citizen_was_driving_down_the_freeway/
%
Marriage is like a card game.

At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lfi8d/marriage_is_like_a_card_game/
%
A woman sits down at a bar and asks for a drink.

"I hear you have a drink that is guaranteed to be as good as an orgasm in my mouth or my money back, I'll have one of those."
The Barkeep mixes, stirs, shakes and pours and serves the young lady the drink.
The yound lady takes a sip and spits the drink on the floor.
"Ugh, this is horrible. It's tastes warm, salty, and slimy, I can't believe I put that in my mouth."
"That'll be $10" says the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lfe4q/a_woman_sits_down_at_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_drink/
%
1. Religion. 2. ?

\3. Prophet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lfcyj/1_religion_2/
%
When I was in college, I went to a party at the math fraternity house.

I left when I found out they didn't have any booze; they didn't want people to drink and derive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lf9v7/when_i_was_in_college_i_went_to_a_party_at_the/
%
A man bets his wife she can't tell him something that will make him happy and sad at the same time.

"You have the biggest penis out of all your friends" replies the wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lf9s8/a_man_bets_his_wife_she_cant_tell_him_something/
%
Why is it called PMS?

"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lf7lo/why_is_it_called_pms/
%
Loads of people are lining up to buy my vampire teeth.

Fang queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lewqa/loads_of_people_are_lining_up_to_buy_my_vampire/
%
I like my coffee like I like my woman...

No pubic hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3leph3/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_woman/
%
Why don't blind people bungee jump?

It scares the fuck out of the dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3leovm/why_dont_blind_people_bungee_jump/
%
Why are all smart Mexicans guys gay?

Because they do their essays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3leede/why_are_all_smart_mexicans_guys_gay/
%
Your options when you want to backup your data...

If you want to backup your data, you've got only 2 options. NAS or NSA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3leakt/your_options_when_you_want_to_backup_your_data/
%
What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhino?

A visit from the university board of ethics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3le9yb/what_do_you_get_when_you_breed_an_elephant_with_a/
%
You know what really grinds my gears?

Not pushing my clutch pedal down far enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3le73k/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
%
Funny Book Title Thread!

I'll start:
"How To Get The Most Out Of Your Bank Heists" by Fillmore Sacks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3le0xz/funny_book_title_thread/
%
Old joke for Halloween. Why do witches not wear panties?

For better grip on the broom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldyrb/old_joke_for_halloween_why_do_witches_not_wear/
%
Two lawyers are sitting outside a Starbucks having coffee...

...when a very attractive blond walks by.
The first lawyer says to the second lawyer: "Boy, id love to fuck her..."
The second lawyer replies: "Oh yeah...outta what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldxuv/two_lawyers_are_sitting_outside_a_starbucks/
%
How do The Offspring store mummies?

"You gotta keep 'em desiccated"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldw9b/how_do_the_offspring_store_mummies/
%
So a crow sits alone in a park...

A single crow sits alone on one of the many benches in the park. Suddenly a second crow comes along and lands next to the one crow. The two crows exchange a mild conversation until they spot a third crow flying overhead. Suddenly they begin to yell at the other crow until it too lands on the bench, and once again they begin to talk for a while. The three crows would chat back and forth until another crow would fly by, where they would turn their focus on getting the other crows to land on the bench. Occasionally one would land only to fly away a couple minutes later. This would continue on and off for a few hours before multiple police suddenly arrive and arrest the crows for attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldv4e/so_a_crow_sits_alone_in_a_park/
%
I repeatedly slapped my girlfriend as hard as I could at the concert last night.

I was clapping for the band.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldurl/i_repeatedly_slapped_my_girlfriend_as_hard_as_i/
%
Walking inside a Nike store would be the worst place to contemplate suicide.

Everything is saying Just Do It.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lds74/walking_inside_a_nike_store_would_be_the_worst/
%
Racism is like Nickelback...

I like to joke about it, but I never want to see it live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldpqi/racism_is_like_nickelback/
%
Why do I see so many broken condoms outside?

Honey, those are called "children" and should be treated as such.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldoti/why_do_i_see_so_many_broken_condoms_outside/
%
Why do vampire's use linux?

Because they don't like windows in their house. Ba^Dum^Tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldofi/why_do_vampires_use_linux/
%
I'm split on the topic of abortion....

On one hand I don't want to give women rights.
But on the other hand I love killing babies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldo19/im_split_on_the_topic_of_abortion/
%
What do you call a prostitute giving a blowjob under a bridge?

Nothing. That's a low blow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldmd6/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_giving_a_blowjob/
%
What did Sonic the Hedgehog say 24 hours before he got a blood test?

Gotta go fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldikn/what_did_sonic_the_hedgehog_say_24_hours_before/
%
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an efficiency consultant visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same consultant determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldiig/a_man_entered_a_restaurant_and_sat_at_the_only/
%
Why do Texans duel at high noon?

They distrust clocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldhxk/why_do_texans_duel_at_high_noon/
%
What state do the most math teachers come from?

Mathachusits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldegr/what_state_do_the_most_math_teachers_come_from/
%
Hoarding's great.

Collectively speaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lddel/hoardings_great/
%
What political party does Donald Trump belong to?

The Whig Party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldd9f/what_political_party_does_donald_trump_belong_to/
%
You should be proud of who you are!

Unless you're a straight white male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldaeu/you_should_be_proud_of_who_you_are/
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Is This A Joke?

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?" The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask "Is this some kind of a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ld7t2/is_this_a_joke/
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Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ld655/why_did_the_cows_return_to_the_marijuana_field/
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Don't Mess With Old Ladies

An eldery lady gets pulled over for speeding.
Older woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older woman: Lost it, four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Older woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the woman's car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of the car.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ld45e/dont_mess_with_old_ladies/
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MOPEDS AND FAT LADIES

What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ld3cw/mopeds_and_fat_ladies/
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The Blind Man

A Convent full of Nuns are in the middle of getting ready to start their morning when suddenly they hear a knock at the door.  "Who is it ?" A nun asked frantically as she was hurrying to find some clothes.  A voice replied "I am the blind man"
Being that he is blind the nuns thought to  invite him in anyways.
The man walks in and says
"Nice Tits ! where do you want these blinds ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lcxb1/the_blind_man/
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I got a job with the Postal Service

So I could tell people I'm a mail escort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lcvg6/i_got_a_job_with_the_postal_service/
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I read that 1 in 5 women suffer from mental illness

so I guess that means the other 4 must enjoy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lct99/i_read_that_1_in_5_women_suffer_from_mental/
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The Detroit Lions are having there worst football season ever

They haven't been able to catch the ball or even score a single touchdown because they have an atrocious quarterback. One night, the Lions manager is watching the news when he sees footage of the Bosnian Civil war. While he is watching, he sees a rebel fighter run up to a government building and toss a football sized bomb perfectly into a 4th story window.
"That's just the guy I need." says the manager, so he goes through multiple channels to find a way to contact this man. When he finally does, the man gladly moves himself to Detroit so that he can play for the Lions. Because of the new quarterback, the Lions have the best quarterback ever, winning game after game and eventually winning the Super Bowl with an amazing last second diving throw. After winning, the quarterback asks to use a team phone so that he can call his mother
"Mom" he says "I just won the Super Bowl!
"What is wrong with you?" his mother replies "do you think I care about your stupid football game?"
"But mom..."
"I don't care what you have to say! Your brother was stabbed at the market yesterday! your uncle almost died because of a crossfire from a gunfight! your sister was assaulted in broad daylight at the marketplace yesterday!" She angrily ranted
"I'm sorry mom" The young man tried to say
"NO APOLOGY IS GOOD ENOUGH! I don't care how many Super Bowls or games you win... I will never forgive you for moving us to Detroit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lcn3x/the_detroit_lions_are_having_there_worst_football/
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What's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies?

You can't unload sand with pitchforks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lcj9v/whats_the_difference_between_a_truckload_of_sand/
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Two idiots rent a boat...

They go out fishing and have the best day they've ever had. Both of them have caught personal bests, and wish to remember the spot so they can come back tomorrow. One guy asks how they will remember the spot. The other guy says "I know!" And begins to draw a big "X" in the bottom of the boat with a pen. The other guy says:
"You idiot! How do you know we're gonna get the same boat next time?!."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lcexp/two_idiots_rent_a_boat/
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Engineer In Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you`re an engineer -- you`re in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how`s it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there`s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You`ve got an engineer? That`s a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I`m keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I`ll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lca7l/engineer_in_hell/
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Did you hear about the missing dalmatian?

It's been spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lc83e/did_you_hear_about_the_missing_dalmatian/
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A farmer fixes his fence

A farmer comes home after having to repair a fence in the middle of a North Dakota winter.
"It's as cold as a gravedigger's ass out there!" he tells his wife.
A bit grumpy due to the poor weather, his wife replies: "How the fuck would you know how cold a gravedigger's ass is?  You turning gay on me?"
The man considers her remark for a long moment.
"You're right honey, I should only talk about things I actually know about."
"It's as cold as a witch's tit out there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lc6sd/a_farmer_fixes_his_fence/
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What do you call parents who teach abstinence only?

Grandma and grandpa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lc66j/what_do_you_call_parents_who_teach_abstinence_only/
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Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator..

I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lc2lh/accidentally_pooped_my_pants_in_the_elevator/
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Hiding From Cops

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lc25z/hiding_from_cops/
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How many American cops does it take to fix a lightbulb?

It doesn't matter, they'll just beat up the room because its black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lbxw9/how_many_american_cops_does_it_take_to_fix_a/
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What do you get if you don't pay your exorcist?

Repossessed.
(Credit to my great-grandmother.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lbw73/what_do_you_get_if_you_dont_pay_your_exorcist/
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Dad Joke: People said the USA would have a black president when pigs fly.

Swine Flu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lbw0y/dad_joke_people_said_the_usa_would_have_a_black/
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What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito will stop sucking when you smack it.
*Heard this from my hubby last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lbusp/whats_the_difference_between_a_blonde_and_a/
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A man walks into a bar with an octopus…...

…. and bets anyone in the bar $5 that his octopus can play the hell out of any instrument they bring. The first person to accept brings a guitar, the octopus studies the guitar for bit then proceeds to play the best guitar solo ever and the guy loses his $5. The next taker brings some drums, again the octopus studies them for a while,then plays a wicked set,he loses his $5 too. Finally, a man walks up with some bagpipes, again the octopus studies the bagpipes but this time for longer. The owner of the octopus starts getting concerned, so he says "Hey,octopus, whats the deal can you play this or not? I don't wana loose my money" The octopus says "Play it? If I can get these pajamas off I'm gonna fuck it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lbrn8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus/
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Your mom and a washing machine...

Whats the difference between your mom and a washing machine??
The washing machine doesnt follow me around for a week after I drop a load in it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lbrb3/your_mom_and_a_washing_machine/
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Why was Biggie hungry at school?

He forgot Tupac his lunch!
*knee slap*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lbq9q/why_was_biggie_hungry_at_school/
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My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am last night.

2 am! Can you believe it? How rude. Luckily I was already awake playing my drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lbntv/my_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_at_2am_last_night/
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"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."

"OK..." he hesitated.
"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.
"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.
"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lbnnc/son_i_have_some_good_news_and_some_bad_news/
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What did you call beef that didn't make the cut

a miSTEAK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lbm2i/what_did_you_call_beef_that_didnt_make_the_cut/
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When life gives you melons

You might be a woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lbln2/when_life_gives_you_melons/
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I was on a first date.

"How many women have you slept with?" she asked.
I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten?"
"Oh, I say. Go on then." she laughed.
I said, "0."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lbl79/i_was_on_a_first_date/
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I heard they were going to put Frederick Douglass on the Fifty.

But they were worried it would only be worth $30.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lbl6n/i_heard_they_were_going_to_put_frederick_douglass/
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I hate it when women can argue with you for hours...

...but two minutes into a blowjob and their jaw hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lbb5h/i_hate_it_when_women_can_argue_with_you_for_hours/
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A really drunk guy...

A really drunk guy gets into a taxi and says
"Heeeyy cab guy, can I leave the pizza and the beer in the front seat?"
"yeah no problem"
-BHLUAGHH-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lb5f5/a_really_drunk_guy/
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A programmer had a problem...

A programmer had a problem. He thought “I know, I’ll solve it with threads!”. has Now problems. two he

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lb5cm/a_programmer_had_a_problem/
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Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash.

A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't
afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, "I'm the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped.
The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton, says to Bernie Sanders "Take the last parachute."
Bernie says, "It's ok Hillary, there is a parachute for both of us. The
world's smartest man just took my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lb4ju/bush_trump_sanders_and_clinton_are_all_on_a_plane/
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My grandfather had a stroke this week..

He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lb284/my_grandfather_had_a_stroke_this_week/
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R.I.P Bob

Bob was a bus conductor-cum-driver. He had been going through rough times, with his wife leaving him for his best friend. One day on the job, he saw a young woman, probably in her early 20's signalling for the bus. Bob couldn't hold his rage in anymore and vented his frustration on the pedal, killing the woman on impact. Bob was taken to court for his crime and was sentenced to death by 5 minutes on the electric chair. Bob miraculously lived the electrocution and was let to live a normal life once again.
Surprisingly, Bob's employer let him keep the job and he continued driving accident-free until one day, when his dog Maya mysteriously passed away. Bob fell into depression and became mentally unstable. The next day on the job, he saw an old woman, probably in her late 60's signalling for the bus. Once again, Bob could not hold in his rage and stepped on the gas, killing the old woman instantly. Bob was taken to court once again and was sentenced to 30 minutes on the electric chair for repeating the offence. Once again, Bob miraculously survived the electrocution and was let to lead a normal life once again.
Bob's employer, being a good friend of his let him keep the job on the condition that if such a tragedy were to happen again, he would instantly lose the job. Bob decided to leave the past behind and lead the rest of his life through love and compassion. One day on the job, and old man, probably in his early 70's signalled for the bus. Bob carefully stopped the bus so that the old man could get on, but at that very moment the old man collapsed due to heart attack. Everyone thought that Bob ran over the man and so he was taken to court one more time. Verdict was passed that Bob would have to sit in the electric chair for 10 hours. This time, Bob succumbed to the electrocution and died.
Why did Bob die to electrocution the third time?
...................
...................
...................
...................
...................
...................
...................
...................
...................
Because only the third time was he a good conductor.
(Please don't kill me XD)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lb26w/rip_bob/
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What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick?

A chunky.
Credit to my dad this morning..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lb1sq/what_do_you_call_a_smoothie_that_came_out_too/
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I like my women how I like my bicycles,

chained up in the garage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3layrj/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_bicycles/
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What has four legs and quacks?

A paradox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3latnm/what_has_four_legs_and_quacks/
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Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lar69/terrorists_have_hijacked_a_plane_filled_with/
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I have this joke about Ebola...

But you probably wouldn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lanp6/i_have_this_joke_about_ebola/
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What is Saturn's favorite movie?

Lord of the Rings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lajky/what_is_saturns_favorite_movie/
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I was straining on the toilet this morning.

"Where's the fucking sieve?" asked my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3laew7/i_was_straining_on_the_toilet_this_morning/
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Why did Jesus lose the basketball game?

Because Peter denied him three times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lacch/why_did_jesus_lose_the_basketball_game/
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I took my girlfriend home to meet the family

My wife went fucking ballistic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lacc6/i_took_my_girlfriend_home_to_meet_the_family/
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God said to peter come fourth...

But Peter came fifth and won a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lab2y/god_said_to_peter_come_fourth/
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Outsmarting Teacher

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3la34f/outsmarting_teacher/
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What do you get when you hold two green balls tightly in your hand?

A leprachaun's undivided attention.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3la173/what_do_you_get_when_you_hold_two_green_balls/
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An old man walks into a bar with a horse

He walks in with the horse and says "I'll bet anyone here 1000 dollars that you can't make my horse laugh"
A quiet gentlemen in the back says "sure! You're on" so he grabs the horse and leads him in the bathroom. Sure enough the entire bar hears a bellowing laughter from the horse. The man walks back out and grabs the 1000 dollars from the old man.
Furious the old man yells "alright buddy I'll bet you 2000 that you can't make him cry"
the horse whisperer says "sure your on" and walks back in the bathroom.  Sure enough he leads the horse out of the bathroom with tears streaming down its long sorrowful face
The old man says curiously "well how in the hell'd you do that sonny boy" the gentlemen looks up with a grin and says "well it was easy. I told him my dick was bigger than his.. Then I showed it to him"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3la0ro/an_old_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_horse/
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A boy goes with his mother in a taxi,

In between taxi passes by a red light area.
The boy asks his mother after looking at the call girls,
Mom, who are they ?
Mother replied: They are waiting for their husbands.
Taxi driver: Why are you lying the kid ?
He says, son they are prostitutes. They sleep and earn money!
Child Asks: Then mom what happens to the kids these women give birth to?
MOM : THEY BECOME TAXI DRIVERS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3la0ju/a_boy_goes_with_his_mother_in_a_taxi/
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You know why it's called PMS?

...there's already something called Mad Cow Disease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l9ujb/you_know_why_its_called_pms/
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I am going to start a website to review Vietnamese restaurants.

It's going to be called Friend or Pho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l9tiw/i_am_going_to_start_a_website_to_review/
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A guy walks up to the bar and asks the bartender if he is a betting man

"What might we be betting on?" asks the bartender.
The man replies, "I bet you one thousand dollars that I can put a shot glass on the end of the bar down there, come back over here and piss into it and not miss a drop."
The bartender thinks for a minute and then decides, "I think I'd pay a thousand dollars just to see that."
So the man puts a shot glass down at the end of the bar, walks back and climbs up onto the bar and unzips his fly.
Then he pissed everywhere. Nowhere was safe within reach of his powerful stream.
He finished up and the bartender, grinning from ear to ear watched the guy fish a grand in cash out of his pocket, asked, "so why did you make a bet for a THOUSAND dollars you knew you couldn't win?"
To which the man replied, "well you see that disappointed man in the white suit and a cowboy hat? I bet him FIVE grand that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be happy about it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l9owz/a_guy_walks_up_to_the_bar_and_asks_the_bartender/
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How much storage do you need for a mouthful of dirt?

A Terra Bite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l9fwf/how_much_storage_do_you_need_for_a_mouthful_of/
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What kind of overalls does Mario wear?

Denim denim denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l9ay9/what_kind_of_overalls_does_mario_wear/
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Saw a really attractive woman the other day...

She was wearing a miniskirt and a really low-cut shirt and I kept thinking to myself, "Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner."
She did....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l9aha/saw_a_really_attractive_woman_the_other_day/
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Plank goes to a ball game

A small plank of wood goes to Watch a baseball game. For the first few innings, the plank is super into it. But by the seventh inning, its interest starts to fade.
A man nearby notices the fading enjoyment and starts up a conversation.
"Hey man, how you liking the game?" He asks.
"I really like it. I think it's pretty cool" the small plank replies.
"Really," says the man, "cuz it seems to me like you're a little board."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l98so/plank_goes_to_a_ball_game/
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Why shouldn't you be racist?

Because racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l98cg/why_shouldnt_you_be_racist/
%
Guy walks into library and asks the librarian...

"do you have the book for men with a small penis?"
She replies "I don't know if it's in yet"
"yeah, that's the one "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l9674/guy_walks_into_library_and_asks_the_librarian/
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Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

*noun
the view or theory that the self is all that can be known to exist.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l944d/is_it_solipsistic_in_here_or_is_it_just_me/
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Why couldn't the tree solve the Lumberjack's riddle?

He was stumped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l92x1/why_couldnt_the_tree_solve_the_lumberjacks_riddle/
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What do you call a redneck family of bakers?

Inbread!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l91t9/what_do_you_call_a_redneck_family_of_bakers/
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What time is it?

**BOOM!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l8yuh/what_time_is_it/
%
If at first you don't succeed...

...skydiving is not for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l8xbr/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
I met a girl with 12 nipples...

Sounds funny
Dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l8tgk/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
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How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one...but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l8s71/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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The best man was waiting at the alter when the groom finally arrived wearing a huge smile.

"What are you so happy about?" asked the best man.
"I just got the best blow job I have ever gotten in my life and I am about to marry that woman!" laughed the groom.
Soon, the marriage procession begins and the bride is beaming with glee as she walks down the aisle. As she hands her bouquet off her made of honer asks "I know you are happy to be getting married, but you're down right giddy. What's up?"
The bride shrugs and says, "I just gave the last blow job I will ever have to give in my life!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l8pvu/the_best_man_was_waiting_at_the_alter_when_the/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph...
Because he's not a full essay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l8k3r/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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How many moths does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two, but how they get in there.. I don't know.
(Stolen from an old Maxim in my dad's storage)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l8jn3/how_many_moths_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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Can anyone help me with starting a rocket science club at school?

I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l8hqn/can_anyone_help_me_with_starting_a_rocket_science/
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I'm taking your mom to the new British dollar store

Pound Town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l8bue/im_taking_your_mom_to_the_new_british_dollar_store/
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A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar...

The bartender looks right at him and says, " Hey! Don't you go starting anything!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l872e/a_pair_of_jumper_cables_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two Brothers In Grandmas House

Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandmas house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers. As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike." His older brother said, "Why are you shouting? God is not deaf." "I know," said his brother, "but Grandma is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l84bj/two_brothers_in_grandmas_house/
%
Why does Donald Trump dislike trees?

Because they're brown and don't speak English.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l8347/why_does_donald_trump_dislike_trees/
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I used to have some well constructed ass jokes

But then I rectum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l826b/i_used_to_have_some_well_constructed_ass_jokes/
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What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?

One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l7wo1/whats_the_difference_between_a_person_that_just/
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A couple is getting ready to go out for the evening...

They call a cab, and finish getting ready to go. They cover their pet parrot's cage with a blanket and put the cat out the backdoor. Their cab pulls up outside. They're walking out the door when the cat slips in the door from around the back of the house. The wife continues on to the cab while the husband runs into the house after the cat, as it can't be left alone in the house with the parrot.
The wife acknowledges the cab driver's inquiring look and, not wanting to reveal that the house would be empty for the evening, says "My husband just went back inside to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab, looking frustrated. "Sorry I took so long," he explained, sighing, "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her up in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!  She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l7th1/a_couple_is_getting_ready_to_go_out_for_the/
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Where does Dracula buy his pencils?

Pennsylvania.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l7pek/where_does_dracula_buy_his_pencils/
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Two boys go into a forest

and walk around.
Suddenly they see a beautiful naked women and then immediately one of the boys starts to run away.
The other confused, starts to run after him.
The second boy asked "Why did u run away?"
The other said "My mom told me if i saw a naked women i'd turn into a stone, i already felt something getting hard down in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l7ovx/two_boys_go_into_a_forest/
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What does a drug addict and a child have in common?

They both want tablets for Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l7nry/what_does_a_drug_addict_and_a_child_have_in_common/
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A priest started his Sunday sermon by saying...

... "Today's sermon is going to be about 'liars'. How many of you have read the 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew? "
Nearly everyone raised their hands.
"You are exactly the people I want speak to. There is no 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l7mxp/a_priest_started_his_sunday_sermon_by_saying/
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A Chinese Samurai, a Japanese Samurai, and a Jewish Samurai...

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive! “The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l7mnj/a_chinese_samurai_a_japanese_samurai_and_a_jewish/
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My 98 year old grandpa is reading the newspaper and talking loudly to himself or whomever listens:

Grandpa: I beat you, you, you and you!
Me: Have you been taking up sports lately?
Grandpa: No, I am reading the death announcements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l7lon/my_98_year_old_grandpa_is_reading_the_newspaper/
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[NSFW] What do a pizza delivery person and a gynecologist have in common?

They both get to smell it, but can't eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l7llx/nsfw_what_do_a_pizza_delivery_person_and_a/
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Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school?

Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l7hya/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_kid_getting_arrested/
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Did you hear about the injured condiment?

He had to be rushed to the Mayo Clinic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l7elw/did_you_hear_about_the_injured_condiment/
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85-year old man donating Sperms

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.  "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"  The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l7a6v/85year_old_man_donating_sperms/
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50 Year Anniversary...

An elderly couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary over dinner at their favorite pub; the same pub where they had their first date 50 years prior.
As they're flirting with each other during dinner the old man says to the old woman "Do you remember 50 years ago when I took you out in the alley and had my way with you?  Whattya think...for old time's sake?"  The old lady nodded in approval and they stood up to head out the side door for some fun.
An eavesdropper at the next table couldn't believe what he'd just heard.  These geezers are like 75 years old, NO WAY they're going out in the alley to get it on!  I have to see this!  So he sneaks outside and hides in the shadows.
Sure enough the old lady faces the fence, hikes her skirt up, grabs hold of the fence with both hands, and they proceed to get it on.  Up and down, side to side, bucking like a couple of crazed monkeys.  This furious romping continued for about 10 solid minutes before the old man and woman dropped to the ground, rolling around and panting.
As they stood up to walk back inside, the eavesdropper stepped from the shadows and stopped the old man.
"Excuse me, Sir?!  I don't mean to be a pervert, but my god, that was amazing!  You shagged her ass like a madman for 10 solid minutes!  I have to know, what's your secret?!" and the old man replied
"No secret, but I'll tell you one thing.  50 years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l7a6t/50_year_anniversary/
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Have you heard the news story about the kid that was arrested when they thought the clock he brought to school was a bomb?

It's blowing up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l786d/have_you_heard_the_news_story_about_the_kid_that/
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EAR ACCIDENT

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.
He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?"
The guy on the street picks up an ear and yells back, "Is this it?"
"No," replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l784r/ear_accident/
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a man was late for a business meeting

so he was already in a rush when he had a flat tire. he pulled over and began changing to his spare. Just as he as about to mount the spare, he accidentally knocked all his lugnuts into a storm drain. so he begins cursing his luck.
It just so happens he pulled over next to an insane asylum where there were patients out on the grounds behind a chain link fence. one of the patients saw the commotion and came to the fence and asked him what was wrong. He explained that he had lost his lugnuts and couldn't mount the spare.
"just take one lugnut off of each of the other three tires. that will at least get you where you need to go, then you can get replacement nuts later." the patient suggested.
"that's actually really brilliant. thank you" the man said.
"yeah, well I'm in here because I'm crazy, not stupid"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l769p/a_man_was_late_for_a_business_meeting/
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My neighbors have really overgrown trees in their yard and keep their curtains down all the time

I think that's pretty shady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l74ax/my_neighbors_have_really_overgrown_trees_in_their/
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My husband needed more space...

So I locked him outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6ytz/my_husband_needed_more_space/
%
Justin Bieber has been kidnapped!

They want $100 million and a charter plane to Mexico or else they will release him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6xvt/justin_bieber_has_been_kidnapped/
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What happened to the car-salesman who was spamming in r/Germany?

He got autobahned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6vh7/what_happened_to_the_carsalesman_who_was_spamming/
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Why does Sean Connery suck at DIY?

A lack of shelf awareness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6vfz/why_does_sean_connery_suck_at_diy/
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A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on a cruise ship as it starts to sink...

As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision.
The rabbi says, "we must save the children!"
The lawyer says, "no, screw the children!"
Then the priest says, "do we really have time to screw the children?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6rf2/a_rabbi_a_lawyer_and_a_priest_are_on_a_cruise/
%
Dr Watson asks Sherlock Holmes...

"Holmes, why are you spreading fruit juice on my buttocks?"
"Lemon entry dear Watson, Lemon entry"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6q4s/dr_watson_asks_sherlock_holmes/
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What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The Wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6q3q/what_is_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend.

I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.
Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.
At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6pjc/caught_my_wife_of_7_years_cheating_with_my_best/
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With my luck, I could jump in a barrel full of titties....

...and come out sucking my thumb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6p5k/with_my_luck_i_could_jump_in_a_barrel_full_of/
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A guy walks into a bar and orders three shots of the bartender's finest whiskey...

The bartender asks, "So what's the occasion?"  The guy says "I just experienced my first blowjob."  "Wow!" the bartender says, "Congratulations.  Why don't you have a fourth shot, on the house."  The guy says, "Naw, if three shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think four will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6on3/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_three_shots_of/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6nkj/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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Beer must contain Estrogen...

When I drink enough, I can't drive or shut the hell up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6gu5/beer_must_contain_estrogen/
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[NSFW] You're fucked now

So a guy is walking along the beach enjoying the sun when he stumbles past a girl crying.
He walks up to the crying girl and notices that she has no arms and legs.
He asks, "why are you crying"
The girl responds, "I've never kissed a guy before"
After the guy hears this he leans down, kisses the girl and walks away
As he walks away he hears the girl crying once more. He back tracks and asks the girl again, "Why are you crying"
The girl responds, "I've never been fingered before"
After hearing this the guy lays down next to the girl and begins to finger her. After a short while he gets up, walks away, and again hears sobbing again
He walks back to her and asks, "What is it now"
She responds, "I've never been fucked before"
Frustrated, the guy picks her up, throws her in the ocean and shouts
"You're fucked now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6cqc/nsfw_youre_fucked_now/
%
A Frenchman, an American, and an Irishman are in a bar

A fly lands in the Frenchman's beer and he says "Gross! There is a fly in my beer, I will drink no more!" and he pushes it away.
A few moments go by and another fly lands in the American's beer. He fishes it out, flicks it away, says "It's just a fly, no big deal." and continues drinking it.
Several more minutes go by and yet another fly lands in the Irishman's beer. He suddenly jumps up, picks up the fly and angrily yells "SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6bjw/a_frenchman_an_american_and_an_irishman_are_in_a/
%
Zoo

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6als/zoo/
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"I'm independent"

Said the Jamaican, showing me his initialised necklace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l672q/im_independent/
%
If the next iPhone is a 6s...

Does that mean the one after that will be a failure?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l65vh/if_the_next_iphone_is_a_6s/
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Why did the stutterer get shot in the ghetto?

He was asking for directions for the "k-k-k-mart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l6463/why_did_the_stutterer_get_shot_in_the_ghetto/
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I wanted to tell you a FedEx joke...

But there was already one yesterday, and I don't want you to get FedUp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l60gi/i_wanted_to_tell_you_a_fedex_joke/
%
I'm using Internet Explorer to post this, so it might be a bit delayed...

But there's a plane heading towards the twin towers right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l607f/im_using_internet_explorer_to_post_this_so_it/
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World's Best Vacuum Cleaner

A young man knocks on a residential door and an elderly lady answers, the young man says "hello maam, I'm here to show you the world's best vacuum cleaner!", she responds "sorry but I'm not interested and I have no money" as she tries to close the door.
Of course the young man puts his foot in the door and says "Maam, I'm so confident that this is the World's Best Vacuum Cleaner that I'll eat what's in this bag if you smell anything after this vacuum cleans and deodorizes your carpet!" He then takes a small bag of horse manure and dumps it right on her carpet in front of her.
She starts walking away to the back of the house and he says "where are you going maam, don't you want to see the world's best vacuum cleaner in action?", she replies "I'm going to get you some silverware from the kitchen because my power was turned off last week".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l5xxw/worlds_best_vacuum_cleaner/
%
Did you hear about the murder of the door maker?

The police said it was an open and shut case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l5vyo/did_you_hear_about_the_murder_of_the_door_maker/
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I think every guy has tucked their genitalia between their legs to pretend they have a vagina.

But I didn't know my girlfriend had been doing it for the past 3 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l5vp6/i_think_every_guy_has_tucked_their_genitalia/
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A border patrol officer stops a Mexican immigrant...

...on his way in to the U.S.
He says to the Mexican: "If you can make a whole sentence using the words Green, Pink and Yellow, Ill let you in with no delay"
The Mexican pauses to think for a few minutes then replies: "The phone goes Green-Green, I Pink it up and I say Yellow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l5ubz/a_border_patrol_officer_stops_a_mexican_immigrant/
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What is a Pokémon's favourite place to go in France?

Paras

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l5pv4/what_is_a_pokémons_favourite_place_to_go_in_france/
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They said I should follow my dreams

So I went back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l5nk4/they_said_i_should_follow_my_dreams/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l5lnf/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears...
And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep...
And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l5l19/a_politician_dies/
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What's the most popular website in Illinois?

Cornhub.com

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l5fat/whats_the_most_popular_website_in_illinois/
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Have you heard about the old wheel that got a new image?

He retired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l5bo1/have_you_heard_about_the_old_wheel_that_got_a_new/
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Still waiting for the FedEx joke?

OP didn't deliver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l5b6n/still_waiting_for_the_fedex_joke/
%
Dumbledore turns to Mcgonagall

"Minerva, you're such a dear friend. There's something I've been meaning to share with you. You see, Minerva I'm gay."
Professor Mcgonagall looking quite shocked meets his eye,
"Why albus, you must be joking!"
"NO, minerva. I'm fucking Sirius"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l58nb/dumbledore_turns_to_mcgonagall/
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So I was wondering whether any of my friends could possibly teach me quidditch...

...and then I thought, "wait a minute, I know one. Oliver would".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l51qv/so_i_was_wondering_whether_any_of_my_friends/
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My first time having sex...

was like my first time riding a bike, with my dad holding me from behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l4yke/my_first_time_having_sex/
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Mummy with Uncle Paul

A young daughter is at home when her father calls. The daughter picks up.
"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
A brief pause. "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Mummy says I do! He's with Mummy in the room, right now."
Another brief pause. "Uh, alright, here's what Daddy wants you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Okay, I've done it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?"
"Mummy got all scared and jumped out of beds with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she's not moving at all!"
"Oh my god!!! What about the Uncle Paul?!"
"Uncle Paul jumped out of bed with no clothes on too! He got all scared and jumped out the window into the swimming pool. But I think he doesn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and now he isn't moving too!"
A long pause this time. "Swimming pool...? Is this 486-5731?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l4ydn/mummy_with_uncle_paul/
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If you were stressed out yesterday

Does that make you past tense?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l4wiz/if_you_were_stressed_out_yesterday/
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What kind of cake stops blowjobs? (NSFW)

Weddding Cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l4upm/what_kind_of_cake_stops_blowjobs_nsfw/
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I told my teacher I don't like using colored pencils

She accused me of being erase-ist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l4t2x/i_told_my_teacher_i_dont_like_using_colored/
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Why are people comparing Trump to Reagen?

Reagan's biggest accomplishment was tearing down a wall not putting one up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l4pvc/why_are_people_comparing_trump_to_reagen/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l4oah/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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I had to change my GPS's voice from female to male

because the female GPS told me to pull over and ask for directions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l4m48/i_had_to_change_my_gpss_voice_from_female_to_male/
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Wife complains she doesn't enjoy sex with husband because his penis is too small

aghast and offended the husband runs and gets a standard 12 inch ruler to measure up.
"Ha!" he cries "I knew it was big but I didn't know it was that big! 9 inches! look!"
the wife looks and says:
"you're holding the ruler upside down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l4j6a/wife_complains_she_doesnt_enjoy_sex_with_husband/
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What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise?

Lmayo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l4ibt/what_do_you_call_a_funny_jar_of_mayonnaise/
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word the blonde shrugs, reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
(This is not my joke, I saw this on a different website)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l4i7u/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_are_seated_next_to_each/
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How to tell the difference between a Crocodile and a Alligator

Well one you see in a while, and the other you see later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l4d71/how_to_tell_the_difference_between_a_crocodile/
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Wife wants to relax today!

Wife:
Today, I want to relax,
so I have brought three movie tickets.
Husband: why three tickets?
Wife: you and your parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l48sj/wife_wants_to_relax_today/
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Did you hear about the new cologne Chris Brown put out?

I heard it was a real hit with the ladies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l46r4/did_you_hear_about_the_new_cologne_chris_brown/
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Nymphomaniacs of America

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l457x/nymphomaniacs_of_america/
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Federal Express is to merge with United Parcel Services

The resulting company will be called Federal United Parcels
Or FedUp for short

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l453t/federal_express_is_to_merge_with_united_parcel/
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John waits for his two friends outside a movie theater.

One friend shows up by himself.  John says, "Hey, where's Dave? We're gonna miss the movie."  The friend says, "Dave's not coming.  He's got explosive diarrhea."  John replies, "Well that's a shitty excuse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l43ay/john_waits_for_his_two_friends_outside_a_movie/
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A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol

So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l41qh/a_man_wanted_to_teach_his_sons_the_evils_of/
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What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l3zi6/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeve/
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How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another women's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l3v1o/how_did_rihanna_find_out_chris_brown_was_cheating/
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There was an old farmer with three beautiful daughters...

They each had a date, so on the porch he would wait to ask the men some questions.
With his shotgun nearby up came the first guy and introduced himself to the farmer.
"Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo to see a show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer gave a sigh and waved goodbye as the second date had arrived.
"My name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty to go eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
With another sigh he waved goodbye as the third date had arrived.
"Hi, My name is Chuck-"
And the farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l3uwy/there_was_an_old_farmer_with_three_beautiful/
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What to hear a joke?

A girlfriend..
While the humor is dry, in this joke i fully understand that this is not something many of you will ever get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l3tl3/what_to_hear_a_joke/
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The CIA wanted to test their 3 best agents so see if they kept their sanity

So each agent had a target in a room that they had to kill. Their target is tied up and blind folded and they are given a gun.
The first agent walks into his room and sees his wife of 6 months tied up. He leaves the room and doesn't kill his wife.
The 2nd agent walks into his room and sees his wife of 8 years tied up. He thinks about it for a minute and leaves the room.
The 3rd agent walks into his room and sees his wife of 40 years. After a brief silence there is a loud BANG! Followed by the sound of a struggle and a loud crack.
The agent walks out of the room and says
"The gun was loaded with blanks so I had to use the chair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l3rp5/the_cia_wanted_to_test_their_3_best_agents_so_see/
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What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l3q2v/what_word_becomes_shorter_when_you_add_two/
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A Black Co-Worker Told Me This One

A black man heard about a trip to go to Africa and experience his real culture, and it was at a discounted price of $1000.00. He would go to a 5 star hotel, and be taken care of for his whole trip.
He starts saving up his money. At the end of the month he counts his money and has a thousand dollars saved up. He goes to the airport, tells the airport customer service about the trip. She begins counting his money and tells him that he only has $999.99. He says I counted it, it should be a thousand, can you count it again? She says no problem, I can count again. She does and finds that he is still a penny short, she tells him that he could probably walk around the airport and find a penny on the ground. He could even ask someone and they would probably give him a penny.
He starts looking around the airport but doesn't find the penny. In his final act of desperation he asks a gentleman in a suit. He tells him about the trip to africa and tells him "I only need one penny to go to africa." The gentleman says, "really, you only need one penny." The black man says, "Yeah, just one penny.
The gentleman says, "Here's a dollar. Take 99 more black motherfuckas with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l3h36/a_black_coworker_told_me_this_one/
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A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin

...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.
A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"
The man replied,
"I do not like where I was buried so I am relocating."....
The policeman fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l3ct5/a_coffin_maker_was_on_his_way_to_deliver_a_coffin/
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An old man goes to see the doctor...

...and asks if his test results are back.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news, and some even worse news," the doctor says.
"Give me the worse news first, doc."
"Fair enough. The worse news is that you have cancer. The bad news is that you have Alzheimers."
The old man replies "Wow, well at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l3bw8/an_old_man_goes_to_see_the_doctor/
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Your generation relies too much on technology.

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l30qa/your_generation_relies_too_much_on_technology/
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My wife routinely turns down my sexual advances because she has headaches. Feeling particularly horny last night I prepared for that scenario.

As she joined me in bed I asked her if she would like to make love.  She declined with her usual headache.
I carefully pulled back the bed-sheet, exposing my erection which was covered in a white powder.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.
"Honey, it's aspirin.  You can take it orally or it might work better as a suppository".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l2yqe/my_wife_routinely_turns_down_my_sexual_advances/
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we don't sell to blondes

A blonde goes to an electronic store and asks the salesperson, pointing at the appliance "how much is this microwave for?" The salesperson replies "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." The blonde is angry and changes her attire and goes to the store the next day with brunette hair, she points to the appliance and asks the salesperson the same question, "How much is this microwave for?" The salesperson gives her the same answer, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The blonde is furious and decides to become a redhead and put lots of makeup to hide her identity and goes to the store the next day and asks the same question to the salesperson and gets the same answer. The blonde is now fed-up and decides to dress like a man. Finally after a week she goes to the store thinking that dressing like a man and going to the store after a week will change the salesperson's mind. She goes in, points to the appliance and asks the salesperson, "how much is this microwave for?" The salesperson replies back "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes". The blonde gives up and asks the salesperson, "how do you know that I am a blonde? I have changed my attire and looks many times and still you find out that I am a blonde, how?" The salesperson replies, "This is not a microwave, it is a TV"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l2weu/we_dont_sell_to_blondes/
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Engineering teacher gave us this one.

So a priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf but they are stuck behind an incredibly slow foursome.  They keep waiting and finally the groundskeeper drives by and they ask him whats going on with the group ahead.
He explains that the group  ahead is made up of four firefighters that, when putting out a fire in the clubhouse a few months earlier, had been blinded by an explosion, and to repay them they are allowed to golf whenever they want.
After hearing the sad news about the four firefighters, the priest immediately says  "I will certainly pray for these brave men to regain their sight."
The doctor replies, "And I will talk with my colleagues regarding any cures for injuries like this."
The Engineer asks "Why don't they just play at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l2vb2/engineering_teacher_gave_us_this_one/
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What do you call the richest person in the soup industry?

A boullionaire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l2ts2/what_do_you_call_the_richest_person_in_the_soup/
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My girlfriend broke up with me.

She said
"I'm sorry, but you're just too immature."
I looked her dead in the face and said
"Get the fuck outa my treehouse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l2r4r/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me/
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What's the difference between a toilet and a sink?

Titanic didn't toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l2pq5/whats_the_difference_between_a_toilet_and_a_sink/
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As I sat there twirling my finger in my hair, I thought

...I really need to shave my balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l2poo/as_i_sat_there_twirling_my_finger_in_my_hair_i/
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l2o9x/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
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A programmer's wife sends him to the store for a loaf of bread.

On his way out she adds, "and if they have eggs, get a dozen".
He returns home with 12 loaves of bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l2k55/a_programmers_wife_sends_him_to_the_store_for_a/
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A penguin is driving his car through Arizona...

His engine begins to shudder and overheat, so he pulls off at the nearest exit. As luck would have it, there is a small auto repair shop close to the exit. He drops his car off for the mechanic to inspect and notices an ice cream shop just across the street.
Mr. Penguin chooses a vanilla cone and due to his lack of suitable appendages, gets ice cream all over his face. Upon finishing his cone, he returns to the mechanic to pick up his car. As he approaches the shop the mechanic approaches him and exclaims, "Looks like you blew a seal!" to which Mr. Penguin replies, "Oh no! It's just ice cream, I swear!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l2j8m/a_penguin_is_driving_his_car_through_arizona/
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What's the difference between Santa Claus and Harry Potter?

Santa would never free an elf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l2civ/whats_the_difference_between_santa_claus_and/
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A 22-year-old man and a 57-year-old woman get to know each other in a bar

Even tho the big age gap, they like each other. Later the night, she whispers into his ear "Do you want to have sex with a mother and a daughter at the same time?" Of course he agreed and when they walked home, he felt like the most luckiest person on earth. When they arrived at her place she opened the door and shouted: "Are you still awake, mom?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l2c44/a_22yearold_man_and_a_57yearold_woman_get_to_know/
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70% of all university students identify themselves as procrastinators. ..

The other 30% haven't gotten round to it yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l2c2g/70_of_all_university_students_identify_themselves/
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The Dentist says, "When was the last time you flossed?"

The Patient replies, "You should know, you were there!"
Heard this at the dentist this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l2a7e/the_dentist_says_when_was_the_last_time_you/
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A blonde enters a library

She goes up to the librarian and says "I will have a Big Mac, large fry and a coke."
The librarian, a bit confused, says "sorry miss, but this is a library."
The blonde is very embarrassed and says "I'm so sorry," and then proceeds to whisper "I will have a Big Mac, large fry and a coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l289k/a_blonde_enters_a_library/
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Popeye was a lonely sailor

no wonder why he had such big forearms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l25zf/popeye_was_a_lonely_sailor/
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I've said it before, I'll say it again.

It.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l25do/ive_said_it_before_ill_say_it_again/
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Chinese and Russian soldier

By the river, and on the Russian and Chinese border there was two soldiers standing as posts for some decade years. A Chinese on south side and the Russian on North side. One day the Russian started to make signals to the Chinese. The Chinese was puzzled. The Russian wanted to ask him if he was a paratrooper, so he put his arms high and made a wide arc with his hands, and showed a falling leave. Chinese was not answering. So, the Russian thought, maybe he is with the Navy Seals then, and showed some swimstrokes with his arms... No, the Chinese didnt do any kind of move to respond. Hmm, Russian thought, maybe he is a Tankdriver, so he showed with his arms like you manouvre two sticks back and forth. Chinese didnt answer. Then the Russian was puzzled... Well, maybe I am wrong, he is not in attacking, maybe he is in passive role like, hmm.. reconnaissance.. So, he put his hand like he hold a binocular by his eyes. The Chinese ran away all the way to the HQ to complain. The Colonel said, You know it is a death penalty to leave your post ??. Yes, the Chinese soldier said, that is way better than that Russian, that got crazy over there. - How come ??, the Colonel replied. Well, see, this Russian and I have stud across this river as posts for over 30 years. All sudden he got mad. He Told me: When the sun go Down, I swim across the river, take you from the behind, until your eyes pop out !!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l21ek/chinese_and_russian_soldier/
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Here's a FedEx joke

Actually, you'll get it tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1vzm/heres_a_fedex_joke/
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[NSFW] What does a vagina and the weather have in common?

When its wet its time to go inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1vwj/nsfw_what_does_a_vagina_and_the_weather_have_in/
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A boy wants to know the difference between hypothetically and realistically

His father says, "Go ask your mother and sister if they would have sex with somebody for a million dollars."
The boy returns and tells his father they both said yes.
"Well son hypothetically we're sitting on two million dollars, realistically we're living with a couple of whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1vfr/a_boy_wants_to_know_the_difference_between/
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Where did Susie go during the bombing?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1v5b/where_did_susie_go_during_the_bombing/
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Difference between GF & WIFE

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1uzf/difference_between_gf_wife/
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A priest is taking a bath

and realizes he forgot to grab soap. He grabs his towel and runs down the halls of his church to grab some. He gets to the storage closet and grabs 2 bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the tub. As he rounds the corner he hears 3 nuns approaching. Instead of being caught by the nuns in a towel, he throws himself against the wall and puts the towel over his head to hide his face but exposes himself.
The 3 nuns see the man standing and there and have no clue what they are looking at. One nun grabs the mans penis and pulls it and he drops a bar of soap. "Oh its a soap dispenser!" proclaimed one of the nuns. The 2nd nun pulls the mans penis and he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun pulls the mans penis but no soap drops. Must be jammed she thought. She pulls and pulls until she shouts "HAND LOTION!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1rpk/a_priest_is_taking_a_bath/
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Apparently the Japanese made a pie chart showing how afraid they are of Godzilla...

then one of them made it their national flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1mxb/apparently_the_japanese_made_a_pie_chart_showing/
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What's the difference between a Catholic and Baptist?

A Catholic will say hello to you in a liquor store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1loq/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_and/
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A woman goes to the doctor all bruised up.

Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1jop/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor_all_bruised_up/
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I handed my wife some paracetamol.

I handed my wife some paracetamol (i.e Tylenol), to which she gave me an odd look. She asked me "why would I want these?"
"Do you not have a headache?"
"No" she responded.
"Not feeling unwell at all?"
"No, I am feeling perfectly fine".
"That's great, we can have sex this evening then".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1jnb/i_handed_my_wife_some_paracetamol/
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What do you do if hou are cold?

If you ever get cold, stand in a corner for a bit. They are usually 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1i8m/what_do_you_do_if_hou_are_cold/
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Getting Drunk

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."
His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."
"Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1hw4/getting_drunk/
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A Jewish Coffee brand named...

Hebrews It

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1dk7/a_jewish_coffee_brand_named/
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out aloud from the container "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1d6i/a_blonde_walks_into_a_pharmacy_and_asks_the/
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A cabbage, a tap and a tomato had a race

The Cabbage was ahead, the tap was running and the tomato tried to ketchup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l17t1/a_cabbage_a_tap_and_a_tomato_had_a_race/
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What's the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l16tp/whats_the_best_way_to_get_chewing_gum_out_of_your/
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chicken & KFC

Q: Why did the chicken go to KFC?
A: He wanted to see a chicken strip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l140i/chicken_kfc/
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Have you heard about the new iPhone Plus?

I reckon it's gonna be a huge 6s...
Get it ;)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l12sn/have_you_heard_about_the_new_iphone_plus/
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I want to visit north Korea one day...

before everything goes south.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l12a8/i_want_to_visit_north_korea_one_day/
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An old lady shot her husband on the foot ...

An old lady shot her husband in the foot for stepping on the floor right after she mopped.
An officer reached on the scene and radioed into the station.
Station: "Has the women been arrested ? "
Officer: "No, the floor is still wet ...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l11h7/an_old_lady_shot_her_husband_on_the_foot/
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Why did the biscuit cry?

His mum had been a wafer too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l114s/why_did_the_biscuit_cry/
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My mate picks up women by pretending to be gay

He says it lures them into a false sense of security and when their guard drops he sleeps with them.
I thought that it couldn't reallly hurt my chances just to try.
3 years later, Mark and I now own a house together, 2 turtles, 3 fish and we are scheduled to be married next week. Still no sign of getting any pussy though.
Maybe this strategy isn't for me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l0xjh/my_mate_picks_up_women_by_pretending_to_be_gay/
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First Listen to Students than Teach

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l0wc5/first_listen_to_students_than_teach/
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What does a man with a tiny penis have for breakfast?

Well this morning I had a PopTart, 2 eggs and a glass of orange juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l0vg4/what_does_a_man_with_a_tiny_penis_have_for/
%
An office girl complains about sore throat to a coworker...

she says she's not feeling well and wants to go home early.
Her coworker pulls her aside and says: "I'll tell you a little secret. Whenever I have a sore throat, I go home to my husband, give him a blowjob, and swallow it all. Works like magic every time!"
The next day, the girl bounces into the office, fully recovered.
"Well, did it work?"
"Yes, just like you said! It's amazing!
And by the way, I love the new drapes in your living room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l0uwj/an_office_girl_complains_about_sore_throat_to_a/
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Man marries deaf girl

He writes "we must work out a code: If I want sex I'll stroke ur left breast-U reply by pulling my penis ONCE for YES
OR
62 times for NO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l0uwc/man_marries_deaf_girl/
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What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l0tyz/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
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Order of the Phoenix is my favourite Harry Potter book

Dead serious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l0qqc/order_of_the_phoenix_is_my_favourite_harry_potter/
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My wife said I was average.

I said she was mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l0ol1/my_wife_said_i_was_average/
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My first dad joke as a new father

Fiance: "What's the difference between a carousel and a merry go round?"
Me: "I don't know but they have their ups and downs"
...it begins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l0nc7/my_first_dad_joke_as_a_new_father/
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A family is at the dinner table...

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l0kzh/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table/
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l0hk1/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dyslexic_an/
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Helium walks into a bar and asked for a beer.

The bartender says "Sorry. We don't serve noble gases here".
He doesn't react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l0fmo/helium_walks_into_a_bar_and_asked_for_a_beer/
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Being politically correct sucks. I can't even say "black paint" anymore.

Now I have to say, "hey Jamal would you please go paint that fence over there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l0bnk/being_politically_correct_sucks_i_cant_even_say/
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A man and woman had been married...

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l07qj/a_man_and_woman_had_been_married/
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What do you get when you watch a lumberjack chop down a tree?

bored.
ha^ha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l01s1/what_do_you_get_when_you_watch_a_lumberjack_chop/
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Difference between a gay guy and a microwave?

A microwave won't brown your meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l01fr/difference_between_a_gay_guy_and_a_microwave/
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Did you hear about the family of racist chicken detectives?

They're called the Clue Clucks Clan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l00au/did_you_hear_about_the_family_of_racist_chicken/
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How many Feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Don't be silly, Feminists can't change anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kzxlr/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What does Batman have in his lemonade?

Just ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kzwhq/what_does_batman_have_in_his_lemonade/
%
What did the voltage say to the current?

What's up, ohmie?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kzvzh/what_did_the_voltage_say_to_the_current/
%
What's the Al-Qaeda's favourite sports team?

The New York Jets ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kzpd4/whats_the_alqaedas_favourite_sports_team/
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A family walks into a hotel

and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
Note: This is a bot test

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kzoic/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
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My girlfriend broke up with me. When she did, I gave her a note that said "Great Job!"

I wanted things to end on a positive note.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kzno9/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_when_she_did_i/
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What's the fastest way to become a general in the Rebel Alliance?

Leia Princess!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kzmft/whats_the_fastest_way_to_become_a_general_in_the/
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"Egocentric" is an anagram of "Geocentric"

I guess the world really does revolve around me...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kzm3n/egocentric_is_an_anagram_of_geocentric/
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I made a knock-knock joke for ya

Me: knock-knock
You: Who's there?
Me: DEAD NAZI!
You:... Dead nazi who?
Me: I bet you Dead Nazi that one coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kzlj8/i_made_a_knockknock_joke_for_ya/
%
Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kzhl7/blowjobs_do_not_relieve_headaches/
%
Is it cocky to have more than one penis?

I think it's two cocky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kzgxm/is_it_cocky_to_have_more_than_one_penis/
%
Recently I hired an ex-military police private investigator to find out where my mom was going at night.

After several days without a reply from either of them, I went to my mother's to investigate.
I walked into the house to hear screaming and rushed into her room only to discover my investigator in bed with her.
I was disgusted. Not by them, but by myself. After all, I should've known I hired a motherfucking P.I. M.P.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kzc6d/recently_i_hired_an_exmilitary_police_private/
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Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kz6hm/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Buddha and the 3 Cows

"Dad can you tell me another bedtime story?" asked a child.
"Sure son I will tell you about Buddha and the 3 cows."
Once upon a time Buddha was meandering down a pathway when he encountered 3 impoverished youths. Buddha told the youths that he would grant them a cow to help them with their situation but the youth that could come up with the best use of the cow would become his successor.
The first youth eagerly proclaimed, "I will take the cow to my village and use it to feed everyone for a week. I will make sure the hide is used to make clothing for myself and so that no part is wasted."
"Definitely a great use of a cow and a selfless act. You surely deserve a cow", Buddha granted him plumpest bovine.
The second youth clamored in, "Buddha I will take the cow home and nurture it. We will enjoy fresh milk from the cow until the day it dies years to come."
Buddha was surprised "Ingenious thinking my child and a sign of a kind heart. You deserve this cow."
The third child thought about his answer and said "I will bring the cow home to be sex toy" and that is when Buddha knew he had found his successor.
"Wait Dad this doesn't make any sense why would Buddha reward someone for copulating with a cow", asked the son.
"Because Buddha in all of his wisdom knew that fornicating with a cow is better off than risking marrying a heifer like your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kz4wv/buddha_and_the_3_cows/
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What do you call a North Korean Gorilla?

King Kong Un
(From my younger brother).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kz02d/what_do_you_call_a_north_korean_gorilla/
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Friends are like balloons...

If you stab them, they die

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kyx1n/friends_are_like_balloons/
%
What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You've gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets the message

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kyuet/whats_the_worst_thing_about_breaking_up_with_a/
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It's not often people compliment my parking....

but the other day, I came back from work and saw a piece of paper on may car that said "Parking Fine". That was nice of them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kyq5z/its_not_often_people_compliment_my_parking/
%
Why don't you see blind people skydiving?

Because it scares the fuck out of the guide dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kyhzd/why_dont_you_see_blind_people_skydiving/
%
Three men were standing in line waiting to get into heaven

one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ky57z/three_men_were_standing_in_line_waiting_to_get/
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"If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?"

An Airplane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ky3d0/if_two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right_what_do_two/
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What do you call a woman that is beautiful and smart?

An actress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxw29/what_do_you_call_a_woman_that_is_beautiful_and/
%
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much

But in the end it doesn't even matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxvwe/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_because_i_quote/
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So a panda walks into a restaurant....

sits down and begins looking at the menu. The waiter quite taken aback by this panda decides he doesn't look dangerous and takes his order. The panda eats his meal, takes out a handgun, shoots a few rounds off and gets up to leave.
The waiter now freaking out asks the panda "Why would you do that?!?" In which the panda replies "look it up" and hands him a really crappy looking dictionary. The waiter thumbs through it and finds the word "Panda"
It says:
Panda: a bear-like mammal that Eats, shoots and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxv71/so_a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?

He got a little behind in his deliveries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxuiq/did_you_hear_about_the_butcher_who_sat_on_his/
%
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from....." "Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxual/jack_decided_to_go_skiing_with_his_buddy_bob/
%
My Friend is too smart

My Friend said that Onion is the only food that can make You cry.
I threw a Coconut at his nose.
I know I am smart :D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxtxc/my_friend_is_too_smart/
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I like my women like i like my coffee

Without a dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxt0a/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Barbie Dolls

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Heard this joke from a friend today!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxss9/barbie_dolls/
%
A guy with a stutter.

A guy is standing at a bus stop when another man walks up to him and says,
"C-c-c-c-c-an y-y-ou t-t-tell m-me the t-t-t-t-time?"
The first guy just ignores him.
"P-p-p-p-please, c-c-c-c-c-c-can y-y-y-you t-t-t-tell m-mme the t-t-t-time?"
He ignores him again.
"F-f-f-fine!" and he storms off.
Another guy at the bus stop turns to the first guy and says "Why didn't you tell him the time?"
"B-b-b-b-b-because I d-d-d-d-didn't w-want him t-t-t-to th-think I w-was m-m-making f-fun of h-him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxru2/a_guy_with_a_stutter/
%
Did you know that if you scream "Candyman" three times in the mirror at 1AM..

... Your parents will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxoqc/did_you_know_that_if_you_scream_candyman_three/
%
I was injured in a violent mugging this afternoon.

On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxntj/i_was_injured_in_a_violent_mugging_this_afternoon/
%
The Seven Dwarfs go to Rome to see the Pope...

Since they are the famous Seven Dwarfs they taken to see the Pope immediately. The Pope greets the dwarfs and Dopey who is leading the group say "Your most high excellence, we have traveled far for you wisdom. Are there any midget nuns in Rome?"
The Pope looks at the dwarfs curiously and responds "No Dopey,  there are no midget nuns in Rome."
The dwarfs start to giggle a little and Dopey turns and quiets them down. He turns back to the Pope and asks "Your most high excellence, ever wise leader...are there any midget nuns in Europe?"
Again the Pope looks at the dwarfs and says "No Dopey, there are no midget nuns in Europe."
This time the dwarfs laugh much louder and start whispering among themselves. Dopey turns
to them and yells "Stop laughing!"
Dopey looks at the Pope with a very serious face and says "Great, wise, excellent Pope...are there any midget nuns ANYWHERE in the world?"
Again the Pope looks at Dopey with an equally serious face
"Dopey,  there are no midget nuns ANYWHERE in the world."
At this point the dwarfs start howling with laughter and chant "Dopey fucked a  penguin!...Dopey fucked a penguin!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxngy/the_seven_dwarfs_go_to_rome_to_see_the_pope/
%
If it wasn't for Carpal Tunnel

I wouldn't know when to stop masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxlup/if_it_wasnt_for_carpal_tunnel/
%
Making Money

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxk8v/making_money/
%
Crazy ex's are like a box of chocolates

They'll kill your dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxjlu/crazy_exs_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

You staple food to the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxfyg/how_do_you_start_a_rave_in_ethiopia/
%
My therapist says I'm narcissistic.

How can someone who's perfect be narcissistic?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxfm0/my_therapist_says_im_narcissistic/
%
A husband was unhappy with his wife's recent figure after giving birth to their firstborn child.....

........Just weeks after returning home from the hospital, the husband was walking behind his wife and remarked, "Your bottom is getting so big, it looks like an old washing machine."
The wife kept quiet and refused to dignify his comment with a response at the time.
When bedtime came around, the husband was feeling horny and decided to proposition his wife for a night of lovemaking.
To his request, she responded, "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load."
"You better do it by hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxdvk/a_husband_was_unhappy_with_his_wifes_recent/
%
And God created woman

God sees Adam walking around bored out of his mind. God feels sorry for Adam and tells him, Adam I'm going to make you a woman. A woman? Replies Adam,what is a woman? its going to be the best thing. She'll be your companion, your friend. She'll cook for you, clean for you, let you watch the football games and even bring you beer. She will never complain or get mad at you. I will even fit her with a vagina so that you can have sex with her whenever you please. This all sounds great but Adam is a little cautious thinking this sounds to good to be true. He says to God so what's this going to cost? God says well she is going to be perfect in every way so let's say it'll cost a leg an arm an eye and an ear. Adam thinks about it and says seems a little steep big G, what can I get for a rib?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxcj5/and_god_created_woman/
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What's worse than finding a hole in your condom?

Finding a condom in your hole!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxc26/whats_worse_than_finding_a_hole_in_your_condom/
%
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." ....

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kxauj/wife_how_would_you_describe_me_husband_abcdefghijk/
%
Why did the feminist get fired from Subway?

Because she refused to make a sandwich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kx74k/why_did_the_feminist_get_fired_from_subway/
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The Mormon and The Irishman

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kx2w8/the_mormon_and_the_irishman/
%
A female nudist calls for a taxi

The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.
At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a naked girl before?
Driver :  It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kx1vk/a_female_nudist_calls_for_a_taxi/
%
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kwxwq/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kwx2h/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kwwlc/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
Mother Teresa is PISSED!

Mother Teresa dies and is on her way up to heaven. She meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and is adorned with a halo. "Come on this way," St. Peter says, "I'll give you the tour." Mother Teresa is taken aback by the beauty of the angels, clouds and fountains. The pair come across a beautiful Princess Diana, who has a very large ring around her head.
"Why does she have a bigger halo than I do?" Mother Teresa asks in disbelief. "Don't worry about it. Come on, I'll show you the rest of the tour," St. Peter says. Mother Teresa starts tugging at St. Peter's robe, proclaiming "Why does that bitch have a bigger halo than I do?" Again, St. Peter tries to move on, "Look, just drop it, it's not important."
Mother Teresa then starts violently shaking St. Peter's shoulders and yells "WHY IN THE WORLD DOES THAT FUCKING WHORE HAVE A BIGGER HALO THAN I DO?!?!??!?" St. Peter kneels over to Mother Teresa and whispers in her ear. "It's not a halo, it's a steering wheel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kwv4o/mother_teresa_is_pissed/
%
I like my bread the way I like my women...

French and covered in butter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kwtwm/i_like_my_bread_the_way_i_like_my_women/
%
How can you tell if someone is having a stroke?

There is lotion and used tissues laying around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kwn62/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_having_a_stroke/
%
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it's what he would have wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kwmu5/dave_drowned_so_at_the_funeral_we_got_him_a/
%
Dear Algebra..

Stop asking us to find your X
She's gone bro.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kwl0a/dear_algebra/
%
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar Birkenhead.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kwkqq/an_australian_an_irishman_and_a_scouser_are_in_a/
%
What did the grapes say to their parents after they put them into a nursing home?

Thanks for raisin us

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kwir1/what_did_the_grapes_say_to_their_parents_after/
%
Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes.....

Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kwg4b/two_guys_are_in_a_boat_with_three_cigarettes/
%
Tell about a haircut

The story of someone getting a haircut.
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kwfi3/tell_about_a_haircut/
%
Did you hear about the blind circumciser?

He got the sack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kwdkt/did_you_hear_about_the_blind_circumciser/
%
A little girl went into her parents bedroom to find her parents in bed.

“Well!” she exclaimed. “And you tell me off just for sucking
my thumb.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kw64x/a_little_girl_went_into_her_parents_bedroom_to/
%
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino (Hell-if-I-know)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kw54o/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_with_a/
%
The meaning of the word "Poor"

Poor (noun) = When you have too much month at the end of your money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kw0gi/the_meaning_of_the_word_poor/
%
An older man was married to a younger woman.

After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kvts9/an_older_man_was_married_to_a_younger_woman/
%
Why do writers always feel cold?

Because they are surrounded by drafts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kvtbo/why_do_writers_always_feel_cold/
%
What's the difference between a gay man and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kvqpg/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_man_and_a/
%
What do you call a sexist Masseuse?

A massagynist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kvot4/what_do_you_call_a_sexist_masseuse/
%
Mom , today my teacher punished me for something I didn’t do.

Once upon a time there lived a girl called Jennifer.
One day when she came home from school she went straight to her Mom and said ” Mom , today my teacher punished me for something I didn’t do.
The mother was very angry and went straight to her teacher and scolded her , but she didn’t ask Jennifer what she didn’t do.
When she came home she said “I scolded your your teacher nicely for just scolding you ” then she asked “by the way Jennifer what is that you didn’t do her mother asked. “My homework” said Jennifer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kvnh5/mom_today_my_teacher_punished_me_for_something_i/
%
Why are camels known as ships of the desert?

... Because they are full of Arab semen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kvji4/why_are_camels_known_as_ships_of_the_desert/
%
What Starts with F and ends with K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kveyl/what_starts_with_f_and_ends_with_k/
%
A man went to Japan on business

, and while there, decided to check out the Japanese prostitutes he'd heard so much about.
He goes to a brothel a friend had told him about and selects a girl of his liking. She takes him to a room and right before he's about to make love to this striking beauty, she turns out the lights.
Things are going well for the man. In fact, she's shouting in Japanese since the moment he's entered her. Encouraged by her cries of delight he pumps harder, listening to these Japanese words of ecstasy she has been repeating over and over. Finally he finishes, pays a steep fee, and leaves very satisfied.
The next day, he goes to a golf outing with some of the businessmen he went to the country to meet with.
It's his turn and he's on the green, he lines up, puts, and just barely makes it in!
Hoping to impress his Japanese companions, he shouts the same foreign words he'd heard the girl last night repeating.
Turning around, all he saw were looks of confusion from his hopeful clients.
The president of the Japanese company then looks at him and says, "What you mean, wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kvesc/a_man_went_to_japan_on_business/
%
So this man, not the sharpest tool in the shed, but a very good husband nonetheless.

He gets a call from his son, "daddy daddy come quick! Mommy's door is locked and she's screaming"
So he rushes home, naturally, and finds his son crying at the steps. They both run inside, and dash upstairs to the mothers bedroom. They try kicking and lunging but thedoor won't break
So the man tells his son go find the hammer from my tool box, it's in the closet. The son runs off disappears down the hall, and suddenly the wife pulls open the door, looking disheveled
Clothes strewn about. Bed a mess
"Honey what's going on?!" Asks the husband.
"I was having a panic attack," she stutters. Suddenly the son screams at the top of his lungs, and the dad rushes over. In the closet they find the husband's older brother. Now the husband is furious and yells, "Ted! My wife is having a panic attack, she was screaming, she couldn't breathe, and all you can do is hide naked in my closet?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kvc26/so_this_man_not_the_sharpest_tool_in_the_shed_but/
%
This joke's offensive to the blind and deaf.

But how would they know?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kvbnp/this_jokes_offensive_to_the_blind_and_deaf/
%
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kv5p8/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_a_transvestite/
%
What do liberals and homeless people have in common?

They are always asking for change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kv4et/what_do_liberals_and_homeless_people_have_in/
%
What kind of photos do turtles take?

Shellfies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kuzc5/what_kind_of_photos_do_turtles_take/
%
I went to the shop to buy 6 Sprites...

I accidentally picked 7 up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kuw7h/i_went_to_the_shop_to_buy_6_sprites/
%
What type of overalls did Mario wear?

Denim denim denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kuufn/what_type_of_overalls_did_mario_wear/
%
Why can't Atheist solve exponential equations?

Because they don't believe in higher powers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kusjw/why_cant_atheist_solve_exponential_equations/
%
Why are the best accountants twins from Prague?

Because they always double Czech their work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kus0z/why_are_the_best_accountants_twins_from_prague/
%
Magic Dildo

One day, a lady who was feeling very unsatisfied decided to go to a sex shop to see if she could find anything to help. She goes up to the cashier and tells him that she needs a great dildo, and that the price isn't an issue.
Cashier: "Great! Here, take this."
He reaches under the counter and retrieves a box.
Cashier: "All you have to do is say 'Magic Dildo' and wherever you want it to fuck, and it will fuck it by itself"
The lady eagerly makes her purchase and heads home. She gets home and tests her toy out right away. "Magic Dildo my pussy!" The next hour was filled with the best sex she's ever had, but she realized she didn't know how to make it stop. She gets in the car and races to the sex shop. Having trouble focusing on the road, she gets pulled over.
"What's the rush? " the officer asked. She tried to explain her interesting day to the officer, to which the skeptic replied, "Magic Dildo my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kup9w/magic_dildo/
%
I was on the train this morning...

I was on the train this morning and I sat next to a woman with a newborn baby. She asked if I minded if she breastfed, and I said, "No, just don't suck my nipple to hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kumyv/i_was_on_the_train_this_morning/
%
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus..

“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kule0/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a_martinus/
%
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for a lousy summer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kuk8f/why_did_humpty_dumpty_have_a_great_fall/
%
Do you know what paraplegics can't stand?

*that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kuk2a/do_you_know_what_paraplegics_cant_stand/
%
What "c word" describes my girlfriend and why I'm not getting any?

Carpaltunnel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kuirj/what_c_word_describes_my_girlfriend_and_why_im/
%
My stats teachet said I was just average

What a mean thing to say

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kui5o/my_stats_teachet_said_i_was_just_average/
%
The pickled cucumber factory

Darren used to work at a pickled foods factory. He worked with the cucumber slicer that would be one of the last steps before the cucumbers went into their little jars. Everything was going well, until one day, he came back to his wife feeling ashamed and sad.
"What's wrong, baby?" she asked.
"Honey.. lately I've been developing a weird obsession at work. I.. I have been feelng the urge to stick my dick into the cucumber slicer"
"This is.. well, this is weird. But come on, you can't just do that. Maybe you could talk to a sex therapist?"
"No, no, this way too embarassing.. I'll deal with this on my own, honey, thanks for being understanding"
So, Darren went back to work. A few weeks passed, where everything was going smoothly, but he always wanted to know what it would feel like to stick his dick into the cucumber slicer. Then one day, this wish got the best of him.
"Honey.. remember what I told you a couple weeks ago about that weird fetish I had...?"
"Oh my God, Darren, I can't believe you did this! What happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the cucumber slicer?"
"He got fired too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kufg6/the_pickled_cucumber_factory/
%
They say that you should always dress for the job you want and not the job you have, so all week I have been coming into the office dressed as a fireman.

I can't say that the reaction has been positive overall, but I'm going to stick with it, because I think perseverance is a pretty important trait to have if your job is fighting fires.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kuajc/they_say_that_you_should_always_dress_for_the_job/
%
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ku9ez/chairman_of_the_board/
%
Y2K?

Because 1 K isn't enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ku7ca/y2k/
%
Why did the dad make the joke?

For the pun of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ku5mt/why_did_the_dad_make_the_joke/
%
What do you call an American linguist, philosopher, cognitive scientist, logician, political commentator, social justice activist, and anarcho-syndicalist advocate who doesn't eat ham?

NO-HAM CHOMPSKY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ku4zh/what_do_you_call_an_american_linguist_philosopher/
%
I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ku1co/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_she_drew_her_eyebrows/
%
I was going to make an argument for why Swiss is the best kind of cheese

but it was full of holes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ktys2/i_was_going_to_make_an_argument_for_why_swiss_is/
%
Brewster the Rooster

Saw a post today about a kid with a rooster named Brooster and remembered this old joke.
A farmer decides he needs a new rooster so he can expand his chicken coop, so he buys the most virile one he can find and names him Brewster. Within a day, Brewster has impregnated every hen the farmer owns.
The next day, the farmer awakes to a huge ruckus coming from his turkey pen. He goes out to defend his turkeys, only to find Brewster furiously attempting to fuck every turkey he owns, sending them into a panic. The farmer grabs the rooster by the neck and pulls him away, saying "Brewster, you horny rooster, keep this up and it's gonna kill you!".
The very next day, the farmer awakes to angry honking. Running over to where the geese are kept, he sees a storm of feathers as Brewster vigorously humps every goose that isn't attacking him. The farmer jumps in and yanks Brewster away, yelling "Brewster, you horny rooster, keep this up and it's gonna kill you!".
The next day, all seems quiet. The farmer goes out to inspect his animals only to see a small figure laying motionless in the hot sun. He walks over to see that it's Brewster, tongue lolling out of his beak in the dust. The farmer sighs and says "I tried to tell you, Brewster, you horny rooster, what did you try to fuck now?"
Brewster pops open an eye and says "Shhh... buzzards...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ktycn/brewster_the_rooster/
%
I just invented a new word:

[plagiarism](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/277604/i_just_invented_a_new_word/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ktty0/i_just_invented_a_new_word/
%
A blonde decides to try horseback riding

, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experiences. She mounts the horse unassisted & the horse
immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady & rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup & she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again & again.
The blonde's head is continually battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when........
The Walmart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ktnm7/a_blonde_decides_to_try_horseback_riding/
%
After a night of heavy drinking...

...a man comes home and is greeted by his wife who finds that he has slurred speech, is mixing up his words, mixing up his letters and is just generally unintelligible. She gets frustrated and urges him to go to bed. He continues to mumble and seems to be trying to convey something important to his wife, but he eventually gives up and passes out in bed.
The next morning, he wakes up with an awful hangover. Not only does he have a splitting headache, but he smells something gross coming from the kitchen. He manages to get out of bed and decides to go investigate the source of the smell. When he gets to the kitchen, he is surprised to see his wife at the stove with one of his socks in the frying pan!
Man: "Honey, what are you doing? That smells terrible!"
Wife: "Well, when you came home last night, you kept asking me to cook your sock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ktn4m/after_a_night_of_heavy_drinking/
%
Did you hear about that book on constipation?

It hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kthjr/did_you_hear_about_that_book_on_constipation/
%
An old man walks into a library and talks to the librarian

Old Man: Excuse me miss, can I have a chesseburger and fries please?
Librarian: SIR! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE YOU ARE? THIS IS A LIBRARY!
Old Man: O, well, (whispers) *can I have a cheeseburger and fries please?*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ktcez/an_old_man_walks_into_a_library_and_talks_to_the/
%
What did the Priest say to the Church of Vegetables?

Lettuce pray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ktbfz/what_did_the_priest_say_to_the_church_of/
%
Man wins the $100 million lottery

A man wins the $100 million lottery and heads home. He tells his wife "Sweetie, I won the $100 million lottery! Pack your bags!" Excited, his wife goes "Wow! What do I pack? Where are we going?" The man says "I don't care, pack your bags and get the hell out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ktatn/man_wins_the_100_million_lottery/
%
The Preist & The Drunkard

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is
stained, his face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty
bottle of gin sticks out of his torn coat pocket.
He opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the
disheveled guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"
"It's caused by loose living, cheap women and too much alcohol!"
"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest thinks about what he has said, nudges the man and apologizes.
"I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me,
how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kt4i2/the_preist_the_drunkard/
%
A jewish woman gets up mid-flight and shouts, "Is there a doctor in the house?"

A nice man stands up from his seat and says, "I am! What's the problem?"
Woman replies, "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kt4bm/a_jewish_woman_gets_up_midflight_and_shouts_is/
%
Johnny burned both of his ears

. So the doctor asked him at the hospital how it happened.
Johnny: I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang. So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear.
Doctor: How the heck did you burn the other ear?
Johnny: They called back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ksx29/johnny_burned_both_of_his_ears/
%
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's big and heavy, the other's a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kswko/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Horrible funny joke

What do you call an alligator in a vest....? An Invest-agator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kswa7/horrible_funny_joke/
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What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ksw5u/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a_fridge/
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I went to a store that carried only three items

It was an inconvenience store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ksu4w/i_went_to_a_store_that_carried_only_three_items/
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Why do the Lannisters have such large beds?

They put two twins together to make a king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kstj5/why_do_the_lannisters_have_such_large_beds/
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How do you agitate an achy feminist runner?

massage a knee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kst73/how_do_you_agitate_an_achy_feminist_runner/
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What's black and found at the top of a stair case?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ksshb/whats_black_and_found_at_the_top_of_a_stair_case/
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in..........

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ksrex/a_mother_is_in_the_kitchen_making_dinner_for_her/
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Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kslip/why_was_star_wars_shot_episodes_4_5_6_then_1_2_3/
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The State Mental Hospital Hotline

Hello and thank you for calling the State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:
1. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
2. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. 3. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
3. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
4. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
5. If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
6. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - nothing will make you happy anyway.
7. If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696
8. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
9. If you have short term memory, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
10. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up - our operators are too busy to talk with you.
11. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
12. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
Thank you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kskme/the_state_mental_hospital_hotline/
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PERFECT TEE SHOT

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ksjid/perfect_tee_shot/
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What happens when a magician gets mad?

He rips out his hare!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ksjg9/what_happens_when_a_magician_gets_mad/
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What do call a fish with a Phd?

A brain sturgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ksb3t/what_do_call_a_fish_with_a_phd/
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After asking several other people, a flight attendant walks up and asks a man a question [NSFW]

Flight attendant: Sir, would you like some headphones?
Man: Yes I would! How did you know my name was phones?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ks9rj/after_asking_several_other_people_a_flight/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ks8ne/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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I've decided to delete all the Germans from my phone.

I want to make it Hans-free!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ks58q/ive_decided_to_delete_all_the_germans_from_my/
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A scientist dies and goes to the Golden Gates.

A scientist dies and goes to the Golden Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. The poor scientist has never believed but was a good man, so St. Peter is conflicted. He eventually decides to send the man to Hell. He is initially very frightened because, well, it's hell, but he eventually gets used to the place and makes the most of it. Using his scientific knowledge, in 25 years Hell is equipped with escalators, TVs, and even air conditioners.
Satan calls God with the news: "Hey, God, it's going great down here! We got a scientist and he's got us air conditioning!"
God is outraged. "WHAT?", he thunders, "There must be some mistake. Send him to Heaven immediately!"
"Never," says Satan, "we like him and we're keeping him!"
"Send him up here or I'll sue!"
"Yeah, right." Satan chuckles. "And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
**EDIT:** Pearly gates, not golden gates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ks4ln/a_scientist_dies_and_goes_to_the_golden_gates/
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America Found

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3krvn2/america_found/
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A mother has two daughters and a son.

One day her first daughter comes up to her and says: "Mother, why am I named Rose?", to which she replies: "That's because when you were a baby a rose landed on your head".
Her second daughter later comes up to her and says: "Mother, why am I called Petal?", to which she answers: "That's because when you were a baby a petal landed on your head".
Finally, her son approaches her and says: "BLUH NAH BUH BUH BLUH", and the mother says: "Shut up, Fridge".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3krsau/a_mother_has_two_daughters_and_a_son/
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A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex.

Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3krs7m/a_new_study_has_shown_that_women_who_get_more/
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3krpcz/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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How does an atheist start their prayers?

To Whom It May Concern

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3krou0/how_does_an_atheist_start_their_prayers/
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A monkey sits in a tree when a lizard asks..

..."what are you doing?". "I'm rolling a joint" answered the monkey. "Wanna join?"
The lizard joins but after a while the lizard says "I have a strange feeling in my throat.. Imma go down to the river for some water."
On way to the river the lizard feels he smoked a little too much. And he falls right in the river.
A crocodile sees him and helps him up. The crocodile asks why he was so clumsy and fell in the river. The lizard answered by explaining everything about the monkey and the joint.
The crocodile is against psychedelic drugs, and he therefore goes into the jungle to speak with the monkey.
"Hey, you!" yells the crocodile.
The monkey sits up in the tree and looks down and says "Shiiiit... how much water did you drink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3krn4z/a_monkey_sits_in_a_tree_when_a_lizard_asks/
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sexual exhaustion

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.
He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3krjc5/sexual_exhaustion/
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What state has the smallest soft drinks?

Minnesota

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3krhk0/what_state_has_the_smallest_soft_drinks/
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Why did the satanist become a lawyer?

He wanted to be the devil's advocate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3krhfz/why_did_the_satanist_become_a_lawyer/
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A woman on death row is asked what she would like for her last meal.

I dunno, what do you want?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3krgxk/a_woman_on_death_row_is_asked_what_she_would_like/
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I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book

it cost me a fortune in postage stamps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3krgq5/i_accidentally_sent_a_dick_pic_to_everyone_in_my/
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A man goes to the doctor..

He says "Doc, I think there's a monster under my bed, and I can't go to sleep." The doctor says "all right, take these pills three times a day for a week and tell me if it works.". The man takes the pills and goes back home. A week later, the man doesn't come back, so the doctor calls him."Oh, don't worry. I'm fine now. My bartender cured my phobia."
"How?"
"He told me to saw the legs off my bed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3krgi0/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied,.............

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kree5/two_blondes_fell_down_a_hole_one_said_its_dark_in/
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If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner

it's usually about 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kr25g/if_you_ever_get_cold_just_stand_in_a_corner/
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I have a degree in men's studies.

It's called "world history".
#TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqyxw/i_have_a_degree_in_mens_studies/
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On his way home from work, a man realizes he has forgotten a birthday gift for his daughter...

He stops at Toys R Us and heads straight to the Barbies. Overwhelmed by all of his choices, he approaches a nearby sales associate. She then proceeds to show him their most popular Barbie dolls.
"Well, here we have Astronaut Barbie, Surfer Barbie, and Veterinarian Barbie... but our most popular doll by far is Divorced Barbie."
"Divorced Barbie? What makes her so popular? That seems like an odd choice..." the confused father replies.
The sales associate proceeded "Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture, and Ken's best friend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqvnr/on_his_way_home_from_work_a_man_realizes_he_has/
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What do Dwarfs and Midgets have in common?

very little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqsze/what_do_dwarfs_and_midgets_have_in_common/
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Why are all ants British?

Because they colonize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqsyu/why_are_all_ants_british/
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Two older gentlemen were talking

One told the other "You know, I had my old lady on her hands and knees, begging " the other night.
His friend replies "How'd you accomplish that?"
He answered "Yeah, she was yelling 'Come out from under the bed and fight like a man!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqssy/two_older_gentlemen_were_talking/
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Have you heard about the new Tetris movie?

It's supposed to be a real blockbuster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqskd/have_you_heard_about_the_new_tetris_movie/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger and windows 10

Just after windows 10 was released, Arnold was asked if he was ever going to upgrade to windows 10.
His response? 'I still love Vista, baby.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqorh/arnold_schwarzenegger_and_windows_10/
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Politicians

and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqnmv/politicians/
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I quit my job. I can't work there after what my boss said.

He told me I was fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqm86/i_quit_my_job_i_cant_work_there_after_what_my/
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A girl walks in a store

and collects the items she wants to buy.
She walks up to the cashier and places her items on the counter.
The cashier says "I can tell you are single" with a smile on his face.
The girl says "How can you tell?"
"Cause your ugly" says the Cashier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kql7d/a_girl_walks_in_a_store/
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Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f-----g her."
The boss says, "You f--k your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqkgw/guy_keeps_calling_off_work_on_mondays/
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The Bee

There once lived a bee named barry. Barry was a very smart bee, he  went through all of school with straight A's. He majored in law, and eventually ran for president. He became the president of the bee hive.
Barry, unsatisfied with his accomplishments, goes on to go through human school, first learning how to speak english, and getting a megaphone to speak to the humans. Again, he goes through school with a perfect GPA and goes on to become the president of the U.S.A. At the party after the election, Barry needed a drink so he went for a beer, but the line was pretty long at the keg. He decided to get punch, and saw that there was no Punch Line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqgxw/the_bee/
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I think my optometrist is falling in love with me...

Every time I leave his office he hands me a sample of contact solution and says, "Eye care for you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqgoa/i_think_my_optometrist_is_falling_in_love_with_me/
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Tell me the funniest (or worst) puns you know

My girlfriend absolutely hates puns. I promise to recite each and every pun posted on here to her. Thanks again I love the reddit "jokes" community, most of you guys are hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqe7n/tell_me_the_funniest_or_worst_puns_you_know/
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Signed up for Gmail and set my password as 'Mypenis'

Google said it was too short. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqd7j/signed_up_for_gmail_and_set_my_password_as_mypenis/
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My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library.

I said it's for shelf-defense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqcg2/my_wife_asked_why_i_keep_my_guns_in_the_library/
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Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women...

Just not very many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kq9x0/contrary_to_popular_belief_in_engineering_you_do/
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How do you stop your bacon from curling in the pan?

... Take their little stones and brooms away!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kq593/how_do_you_stop_your_bacon_from_curling_in_the_pan/
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Who makes dinner in a lesbian relationship?

Neither, they eat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kq4re/who_makes_dinner_in_a_lesbian_relationship/
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Two guys

are at the bar, one guy drinks 2 beers then tells his buddy he has to go home his wife only let's him have 2 beers. His buddy tells him that's messed up and here is what he should do, drink as many beers as he can, 5 whiskeys and a bourbon. Then go home and dive under the covers and eat out his wife's pussy...she won't care what time you come home or how much you have had to drink if you do that.
He thinks about it for a minute then decides it's a great plan. So he gets drunk goes home dives under the covers and goes to town, after about 10 minutes he thinks she should be happy, but his wife won't kiss him until he washes his face. So he opens the door to the bathroom and there is his wife sitting in the tub.
The husband starts stuttering and carrying on confused. When his wife shushes him and tells him to be quiet...or he will wake his mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kq3j1/two_guys/
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Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kpya1/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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Ever hear the one about the "gay moon"?

My son made this up and told it to me today.
Look mom it's the "gay moon".
Why are you calling the sun "gay moon"?
Because it is FLAAAAMINGGG!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kpuhl/ever_hear_the_one_about_the_gay_moon/
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A man is walking down the street

when he sees a 50£ note on the road, trapped under the wheel of a parked car.  No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get it out from under there without ripping it.  He stands up and looks around, and sees a café across the street.  He thinks to himself "I'll get some tea, and when I see that car leaves, I'll go get that note".  So the man sits down in the café and has some tea.  10 minutes later, the owner of the car comes back and drives his car away.  Everyone in the café stands up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kpuf1/a_man_is_walking_down_the_street/
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When fighting clowns, never hesitate.

Go straight for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kpmvm/when_fighting_clowns_never_hesitate/
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I went to a wedding today...

I went to a wedding today, it went off without a hitch!
Poor guy, this is the second girl that left him at the alter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kpm4j/i_went_to_a_wedding_today/
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My wife and I said we would only smoke after sex....

I have had the same pack of cigarettes since 2007, im starting to get worried about my wife though shes been going through 3 packs a day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kpkay/my_wife_and_i_said_we_would_only_smoke_after_sex/
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I studied abroad the first semester of my junior year

Then she closed her blinds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kpj5l/i_studied_abroad_the_first_semester_of_my_junior/
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"I have married a ton of women but not once have I ever had sex. It's unfair!" a man complained in a bar.

"well," said the bartender, "what were you expecting, Father Peter?"
Sorry... dad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kpih6/i_have_married_a_ton_of_women_but_not_once_have_i/
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People who cough loudly don't go to the doctor...

They go to the cinemas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kpig6/people_who_cough_loudly_dont_go_to_the_doctor/
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MOUSE HOLE

This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back." "I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes." "That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents."
About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?" "Not so good, dude." "What's the problem?" his friend asks. "To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kpc3a/mouse_hole/
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What's the difference between 7/11 and 9/11?

One is a part-time job the other an inside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kp7bi/whats_the_difference_between_711_and_911/
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Worried about hair loss? Just draw little rabbits on your head.

From a distance they'll look like hares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kp2ha/worried_about_hair_loss_just_draw_little_rabbits/
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Paddy hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.

When he gets home its there.
Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home its there again.
So next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.
6 hours later he rings his wife and asks "Is that fucking cat home?"
"yes.. Why?" asks the wife....
Paddy says "Put the bastard on the phone, I'm lost!!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kp041/paddy_hates_his_wifes_cat_so_much_he_drives_to/
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What do you call a big pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3koyu6/what_do_you_call_a_big_pile_of_kittens/
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Nice joke that doubles as a haiku.

I went to a zoo.
There was just one dog on show.
It was a shih tzu.
A lot of people are complaining that it's not a haiku. I read shih tzu as 1 syllable, so my mistake. Sorry for the misleading title!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3koxnq/nice_joke_that_doubles_as_a_haiku/
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How did the babysitter lose 500 kids and keep her job?

She swallowed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kox4t/how_did_the_babysitter_lose_500_kids_and_keep_her/
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My new favorite joke [Language]

How do you get a little old lady to yell, "Go fuck yourself!"?
Get another little old lady to yell,"BINGO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kovwp/my_new_favorite_joke_language/
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How is a photon like an abandoned church?

They have no mass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kovhy/how_is_a_photon_like_an_abandoned_church/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a rabbi walk into a bar

And the rabbi says, "Hey, wait a minute... I think I'm in the wrong joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kotxv/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a/
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A pirate goes to the doctor

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kotck/a_pirate_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Misunderstanding Between Husband And Wife ...

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kosv4/misunderstanding_between_husband_and_wife/
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A guy brings a tub of Vaseline to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

A guy and his girlfriend have plans to go to her parents' house for dinner so he can meet them for the first time.
&nbsp;
The same week, he buys his first motorcycle. He asks the seller for any tips to maintain the motorcycle and is told "When it rains, put a thin layer of Vaseline on the outside of the bike - that'll help prevent it from rusting", and he's handed a small tub of Vaseline which he puts in his pocket.
&nbsp;
On Friday, he and his girlfriend head to her parents' place on his new motorcycle. Before getting inside, she says "By the way, my family has a weird tradition but it's an important one - whoever is the first to talk during dinner has to wash all of the dishes. It'll impress my Dad if you don't talk first."
&nbsp;
They all sit down for dinner. Mother, father, guy, girlfriend, and girlfriend's sister. It's a massive dinner with a ton of dishes. No one says a word. Guy feels his girlfriend sliding her hand up his leg... so he reciprocates. He begins feeling her up, eventually fondling her breasts. The father looks on, horrified, but still says nothing. Guy reaches over and begins fondling girlfriend's sister's breasts with his free hand; the father looks on, red with anger, but still says nothing. Guy stands up, lays the mother on the table, and starts shagging her six ways from Sunday. Certain that this would drive the father into a rage, he locks eyes with him. Still, not a word. Just then, guy hears the sound of rain hitting the kitchen window and remembers his motorcycle is outside, so he reflexively reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tub of Vaseline, at which point the father jumps up and shouts "OH FINE, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3korvt/a_guy_brings_a_tub_of_vaseline_to_meet_his/
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A man named Martin is lost in the desert and came upon an oasis.

Upon stumbling into camp and drinking hastily from the well, the sheik of the oasis steps out of the largest tent and orders his guards to arrest him. The sheik explains that Martin has drunk from the precious little water left to the oasis and can either fight to the death with the sheik or dig and dig in the hot desert with no water till he finds another well. Martin, figuring he has no chance of surviving the digging, takes on the sheik.
The sheik, an expert fighter, pities him and offers him a shot of vodka to calm his nerves before facing his death. Martin, in his drunken stupor, takes up the sheik's sword and lops the sheik's head off with no warning. The whole oasis cries out in joy at the death of the tyrannical sheik and informs him that now he had become sheik himself, but Martin had already dozed off and not heard any of it, so they left him alone till he came to.
And on that day, the Vodka'd Martin, he was sheik and not stirred.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kora9/a_man_named_martin_is_lost_in_the_desert_and_came/
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Seamus and Murphy wanted to go out drinking like respectable Irishman, but they didn't have alot of money...

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said to Seamus ‘Hang on my friend, I have an idea.’
He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said ‘Are you crazy Murph? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’
Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
Seamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’
Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!’
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin’ me!’
Murphy said, ‘Well how do you think I feel? I don't even remember which bar I lost the sausage in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3koqst/seamus_and_murphy_wanted_to_go_out_drinking_like/
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A cowboy caught by the Indians

A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he killing him. The cowboy can do nothing, but obey them.
The Chief comes up to him and asks:
- What do you want for your first wish?
- I want talk to my horse, - replies the cowboy.
The Chief allows him to talk to the horse. The cowboy whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt.
The Chief asks him once again:
- What do you want for your second wish?
- I want to talk to my horse, - once again replies the cowboy.
Again, the cowboy whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later.
The chief comes up to the cowboy and asks:
- So, what do you want for your last third wish?
- I want to talk to my horse, - for the third time replies the cowboy.
He grabs the horse by the ears and yells @ it:
- You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE not PUSSY!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3koqb8/a_cowboy_caught_by_the_indians/
%
A man walks into a hardware store

and asks the cashier, "Do you sell mousetraps here?"  She replies, "Yes, sir, we do, but they're way in the back of the store.  It'll take a while for me to get you one."  The man replies, "Thank you.  But please do hurry.  I have to catch a bus."  The cashier says back, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we don't have them that big."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kopoi/a_man_walks_into_a_hardware_store/
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Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me."

You reply with "That's the point."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3koltl/whenever_your_ex_says_youll_never_find_someone/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kol42/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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Why should you always rent, rather than buy, a multimeter that measures ohms?

Because it's easier to follow the path of leased resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kol37/why_should_you_always_rent_rather_than_buy_a/
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop full of customers.....

....He asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kokv4/a_guy_stuck_his_head_into_a_barbershop_full_of/
%
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks .......

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kokf1/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class_and_she_sees_that/
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My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.

"To fight the Decepticons," I said.
She laughed.  I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3koim4/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_carry_a_gun_around_the/
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I removed the shell of my racing snail to make it go faster.

But it just made it more sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3koeex/i_removed_the_shell_of_my_racing_snail_to_make_it/
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A police officer stops a driver...

A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."
The guy replies, "I have contacts".
The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kocjw/a_police_officer_stops_a_driver/
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I've always wanted to have sex while wearing Mandalorian armour...

I guess I have a Boba Fettish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kobpy/ive_always_wanted_to_have_sex_while_wearing/
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Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them?

In Watts.
I'll see myself out now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ko7i0/los_angeles_announced_plans_to_lease_288/
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What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?

Is *anything* okay?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ko1tq/what_did_the_waiter_ask_the_group_of_jewish/
%
Why did /u/JokeOverExplainBot cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ko0k8/why_did_ujokeoverexplainbot_cross_the_road/
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What's the difference between me and Jimmy Kimmel?

I can make it to the end of a Jimmy Kimmel joke without laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3knyuy/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_jimmy_kimmel/
%
A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."
The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"
Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3knwfk/a_lady_walks_into_a_dry_cleaners/
%
A dad puts his little girl to sleep...

And the girl says, "Goodbye Grandpa" and the dad asks why she said grandpa, the girl replied, "I don't know it just felt right".
The next day the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just a coincidence.
The dad puts the girl to sleep and a few months later she says, "Goodbye Grandma" and the dad went along with it.
The next day the grandma died and the dad thought that she knew who would die next!
Several weeks later, the dad puts his girl to sleep and the girl says, "Goodbye Daddy" and the dad freaked out when he left the room.
He stayed at the office until midnight jumping at every sound he heard. When he came to his house at 1am and crawls into the bed, his wife says
Wife :: Why were you at work so late?
Husband :: I had a terrible day..
Wife :: What happened?
Husband :: I don't want to talk about it.
Wife :: Well, you won't believe the day I had! My golf pro died right in front of me during golf lessons!
Edit : Formatting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kntr3/a_dad_puts_his_little_girl_to_sleep/
%
Two old guys want to get laid

So they go to a whorehouse.
The lady that runs the place doesnt want to waste hookers on them.
So she sets them up with a room with some blowup dolls.
The old guys pay the lady; get their rocks off; and start walking back to their homes.
One says to other "i think the broad i was fuckin was dead.  She was all cold a rubbery..."
The other old man replies; "really?  Because i am sure the bitch i was doodlin was a witch..."
The first old man wonders how he came to that conclusion.
"well we were gettin kinda kinky an i went and bit her neck and she farted and flew out the window."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3knt5c/two_old_guys_want_to_get_laid/
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What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3knt4e/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_two_dicks/
%
I saw a shop called Lasting Impressions,

they sell brass knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3knp8g/i_saw_a_shop_called_lasting_impressions/
%
Why are there so few Mexican athletes in the Olympics?

Because most of them who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kna9e/why_are_there_so_few_mexican_athletes_in_the/
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Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..

A friend of mine was wearing one
when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kn5vo/condoms_dont_guarantee_safe_sex_anymore/
%
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fucked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kn4hb/a_man_was_sitting_on_a_blanket_at_the_beach/
%
A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the
interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man
behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently
raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her,
what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night
in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies:' She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kn3r7/a_state_trooper_was_patrolling_late_at_night_off/
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I dropped my phone in the bath.

I dropped my phone in the water. I put it in rice to dry out, it works now but i lost all my contacts except for my uncle bens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kn38q/i_dropped_my_phone_in_the_bath/
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Which came first the chicken or the egg?

The chicken of course, an egg cannot cum!
Made this up in my sleep sorry if offends any egg lovers..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kn1rr/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kn1nl/a_teenage_girl_had_been_talking_on_the_phone_for/
%
You see that wall?

A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the others to follow him. He flies them to a huge mountainous wall 15 minutes away, and stops. He looks at the others and says,
'You see that wall?'
And they all exciteldy repeat, 'Yea yea, we see it!'
He says again, 'Do you really see that wall?'
They all say again in anticipation, 'Yea yea we see it!'
'Well I didn't!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmxsx/you_see_that_wall/
%
You've heard of alphabet soup now get ready for

Times new ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmxdn/youve_heard_of_alphabet_soup_now_get_ready_for/
%
A limerick, There once was a bishop from kings...

There once was a bishop from Kings,
Who talked about god and such things,
But his real desire,
was a boy in the choir,
with a bottom like jello on springs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmwca/a_limerick_there_once_was_a_bishop_from_kings/
%
Why didn't the Photon have any luggage on the plane?

He was Travelling Light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmuza/why_didnt_the_photon_have_any_luggage_on_the_plane/
%
Why was Hitler such a mean person?

Because he was a sour kraut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmtli/why_was_hitler_such_a_mean_person/
%
So this older woman walks into the produce section of the supermarket....

After having looked around for good a while, she goes up to the produce guy and says, "Excuse me, where's the broccoli? I can't seem to find the broccoli."
The produce guy replies, "I'm sorry ma'am, we're fresh out of broccoli...we'll have some tomorrow morning"
He goes back to work. 10 minutes later this women come back and she says "Sir, where's the broccoli? I can't find the broccoli."
He says, "Ma'am, we're fresh out of broccoli. There's no more broccoli. We'll have some tomorrow morning."
And he goes back to work.
20 minutes later this women comes right up to the guy's face and says, "How come I can't find the broccoli, where is the broccoli?!"
He says, "Ma'am, how do you spell dog like in dogmatic?"
She replies, "D-O-G"
"Ok, now what about cat like in catastrophic?"
"C-A-T"
"Now how do you spell fuck like in broccoli?"
She says, "there is no fuck in broccoli"
He says, "THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYIN TO TELL YA!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kms7a/so_this_older_woman_walks_into_the_produce/
%
A Spaniard, a Frenchman, and an American are on a rain-forest expedition...

When suddenly, out of nowhere, they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The chief of the tribe has the men brought before him.
"Our tribe has lasted for many, many seasons." he says, "Mainly due to our chiefs being able to make changes to benefit our tribe. I have decided that during **my** reign, all or our prisoners will be informed of what will happen to them, and be able to choose their own fate accordingly."
&nbsp;
"So, in keeping with this ruling, I have to tell you that we are going to kill you, eat your flesh, and use your skin to make our canoes. Each of you will be able to choose the manner of your death, to make it easier upon yourself."
&nbsp;
The chief turns to the Frenchman. "So, I ask you...How do you choose to die?"
&nbsp;
The Frenchman considers this for a moment. After thinking, he says "Hand me a knife." Having been bound by his own rules, the chief motions for a close tribesman to give the man a knife.
&nbsp;
Without a moments hesitation, the Frenchman holds the knife aloft and yells "**I DIE FOR FRANCE!**" and slashes his own throat, then dies, bleeding out on the rainforest floor.
&nbsp;
The chief turns to the Spaniard. "It is your turn." he says. "How do you choose to die?
&nbsp;
Without hesitation, the Spaniard says "That man died a brave death. I shall do the same." The chief gestures for the Spaniard to be given a knife, and upon receiving it, the man immediately holds it aloft, yells "**I DIE FOR SPAIN!**", slashes his own throat, and dies, bleeding out on the rainforest floor.
&nbsp;
The chief then turns to the American. "You are the last of your friends alive." he says. "They have both died honorable, brave deaths. How shall you?"
&nbsp;
The American thinks for a little while. He paces, hand on his chin, deep in thought. For close to 10 minutes he paces, until the chief has lost his patience.
&nbsp;
"**ENOUGH!**" the chief bellows. "**HAVE YOU DECIDED YOUR FATE, OR WILL I DECIDE IT FOR YOU?**"
&nbsp;
"Hold your horses, Chief." the American says. "I've decided. Toss me a fork."
&nbsp;
The chief pauses, taken aback. "Uh...a fork? Are you sure?"
&nbsp;
"Yeah, I'm sure. Toss it here, and let's get this over with." the American says.
&nbsp;
The chief, still a bit flustered, gestures for the closest tribesman to toss the man a fork. Upon seeing it done, the chief sits back, perturbed.
&nbsp;
The American stares at the fork, hand still on his chin. Just as the chief is about to give the order for the other tribesmen to slaughter him for delaying his fate, the American holds the fork high.
&nbsp;
"**FUCK YOUR CANOES!**" the American yells, then begins stabbing himself everywhere with the fork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmqnq/a_spaniard_a_frenchman_and_an_american_are_on_a/
%
PASSWORD PROBLEMS

WINDOWS:   Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER:   boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER:  50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively.
USER:   50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER :  IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS:   Sorry, that password is already in use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmn7m/password_problems/
%
What do you call a dead bee?

A was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmlu7/what_do_you_call_a_dead_bee/
%
How do you get a Canadian to apologize?

Step on his foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmlgy/how_do_you_get_a_canadian_to_apologize/
%
A rabbit and a bear are walking down a road

when they found a genie's lamp. After rubbing it, a genie popped out and told them that they each get three wishes.
"I want every woman in the world," the bear asked first.
" I want a helmet," said the rabbit.
" Actually, I wish for every attractive female in the universe," the bear said for his second wish.
"I also want a motorcycle," asked the rabbit.
" No, I want every beautiful women that had ever existed," the bear said for his final wish.
The rabbit, already revving up his motorcycle, added: "I wish the bear was gay," and drove off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmk36/a_rabbit_and_a_bear_are_walking_down_a_road/
%
Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?

He fingered a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmjpw/why_did_the_guitar_teacher_go_to_jail/
%
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?

Ten tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmj9c/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_tickle_an_octopus/
%
What's the difference between an introverted physicist and an extroverted physicist?

An extroverted physicist looks at *your* shoes when they're talking to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmglf/whats_the_difference_between_an_introverted/
%
How do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmemf/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
A man goes into an ice cream store...

The man asks for a sugar cone with a scoop of chocolate.
The counter man says "I'm sorry sir, but we are out of chocolate."
"Oh, I see" says the man.  "Well, in that case, I'll just have a a cup of ice cream, no cone."
"No problem" the counter guy replies "What flavor?"
"Well, it's a tough decision, but I'd like chocolate"
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I wasn't clear. It wasn't that we were out of cones, we are out of chocolate. Maybe you'd like to try chocolate chip?"
The man tries six or seven samples and announces he has reached a decision. "I don't want a cup or a cone, I want a banana split."
"That's great" says the relieved ice cream scooper
"But instead of pineapple sauce, strawberry and chocolate sauce, I want hot fudge"
"As you wish"
"Also, instead of the usual vanilla, I'd like you to make it with three scoops of chocolate ice cream."
The employee is visibly perturbed. "Sir, do you see the van in vanilla"
"Of course"
"And naturally you see the straw in strawberry"
"Who wouldn't"
"Then of course you see the fuck in chocolate"
"What? That's not right at all! There's no fuck in chocolate!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kmdt5/a_man_goes_into_an_ice_cream_store/
%
Patrick brings home his new fiancé to meet his parents.

Patrick brings home his new fiancé, Stacy, and introduces her to his parents, who are staunchly Irish Catholic and very old fashioned.
His parents and Stacy get along very well and they have a nice dinner together.  After dinner, they are in the living room exchanging stories, laughs, and beers.  Stacy excuses herself to use the bathroom.
"Patrick, she's wonderful!" his dad says.
"Why haven't you brought her over here before?" asks his mom.
"Well, dad, mom…" the man trails off.  "It's just…  I'm a little embarrassed about something, but I have to tell you."  He takes a deep breath and blurts out "Stacy is a prostitute."
"Oh my Lord!" shrieks Patrick's mother.
His father clutches his chest and falls to the floor, unconscious.  Patrick and his mom gather around his father, and after a few moments he wakes up.
"Son," he says.  "What did you just say about Stacy?"
"Dad, she's a prostitute."
"Oh thank Heaven!" his father says.  "I thought you said protestant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3km91l/patrick_brings_home_his_new_fiancé_to_meet_his/
%
Why didn't the buzzard have any luggage on the airplane?

Because he ate his carrion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3km7yt/why_didnt_the_buzzard_have_any_luggage_on_the/
%
Zombies are categorically asexual

as they are more interested in taking head than giving head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3km7yr/zombies_are_categorically_asexual/
%
How do Mr. and Mrs. Weasley have sex?

gingerly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3km519/how_do_mr_and_mrs_weasley_have_sex/
%
How warm is the inside of a tauntaun?

Luke warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3km4b5/how_warm_is_the_inside_of_a_tauntaun/
%
They said, "Dress for the job you want."

Apparently pornstar wasn't a valid option.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3km3g1/they_said_dress_for_the_job_you_want/
%
Politics is like a car

you press "D" to go forward and "R" to go back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3km0dw/politics_is_like_a_car/
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Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3klum8/why_did_the_polar_bears_on_noahs_ark_hang_out/
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A Joke by my Physics Teacher

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the roof of his building.
Just before the man jumps, the physicist yells: "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3klo7s/a_joke_by_my_physics_teacher/
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What's the difference between a Jew and harry potter?

Harry can escape the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3klo4m/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_harry/
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Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed. and Driver's Ed. on the same day?

They have to give the donkey a break at some point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kligu/why_do_mexicans_never_have_sex_ed_and_drivers_ed/
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How many ants does it take to rent a house?

Ten ants.
^lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3klgd3/how_many_ants_does_it_take_to_rent_a_house/
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A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...

So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"
&nbsp;
A week and 6 days pass, and the woman goes to bed, trembling with excitement as she imagines what the her husband has gotten her. The next morning, she wakes up early, and notices her husband is already missing from the bed. So, she rushes downstairs.
&nbsp;
Her husband is already at the door, holding it open for her, a wide smile upon his face. She squeals with excitement, runs out the door, straight to the driveway....
&nbsp;
Where she finds a bathroom scale, complete with a bow on top.
&nbsp;
Their divorce was finalized 3 months later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3klg0h/a_woman_is_fed_up_with_receiving_lame_birthday/
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I have four problems in life...

...counting, remembering and counting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3klfpi/i_have_four_problems_in_life/
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What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?

I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3klc7d/whats_the_difference_between_paul_walker_and_a/
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Before you judge a person make sure you walk a mile in their shoes.

That way when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kl8ag/before_you_judge_a_person_make_sure_you_walk_a/
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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kl3to/10_husbands_still_a_virgin/
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What is the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?

a canoe tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kl2tm/what_is_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_canoe/
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Joke my math professor told me today.

A man and his wife are having trouble with their marriage. They fight all the time and they have been continually becoming less physical. The man decides to visit his pastor on the subject. To which the minister proclaims, "You have to do something nice to attract her." The man responds, "Are you sure this will work?" and the pastor persists, "Yes, just do something nice to attract her, it will work I promise." And so the man goes home to get ready. Hours later, the wife comes home to find her husband with candles lit, and her husband slowly waxing his John Deere in the kitchen. She screams, "What are you doing?!" to which he replies "IM SAVING OUR MARRIAGE MARCIA! Pastor told me to do something nice to a tractor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kl2hw/joke_my_math_professor_told_me_today/
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When the moon hits your eye...

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
that's amore.
When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek
that's a moray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kl108/when_the_moon_hits_your_eye/
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The cardiologist's funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside for eternity.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When everyone turned and stared at him, he apologized "I am sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I am a gynecologist!"
Hearing this, the proctologist sitting next to him fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kkyfp/the_cardiologists_funeral/
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Why did the Mexican guy rob a train?

He had a loco motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kkuu3/why_did_the_mexican_guy_rob_a_train/
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Did you hear some expert thieves stole the toilets from the police station?

The police were left with nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kkmo9/did_you_hear_some_expert_thieves_stole_the/
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I accidently pooped myself in the elevator.

I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kkm8v/i_accidently_pooped_myself_in_the_elevator/
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Please don't share 9/11 jokes, I lost my dad on 9/11

He took over 2500 infidels with him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kkl6k/please_dont_share_911_jokes_i_lost_my_dad_on_911/
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I just quit my job, I couldn't work for my boss after what he said to me

He told me that I was fired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kkgc6/i_just_quit_my_job_i_couldnt_work_for_my_boss/
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My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.

I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kkf03/my_wife_thinks_my_obsession_with_conspiracy/
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The Wrestler.

There's an up-and-coming wrestler, and I mean a real wrestler not that glitzy camp showman stuff. Sweat and muscle. And he's good; with the able assistance of his manager, he's rising steadily in the ranks.
In fact he's so good, that he decides he can do it - he asks his manager to set up a title fight with The Champ.
"No way," the manager says. "Impossible. You just ain't ready."
"I am ready chief, I just know I am! I can do it!"
"No," the manager replies, "you can't. The Champ has his signature move, the 'Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press'. You know this. It's so painful, that anybody he catches in it, bang! That's their career over. Nobody has ever escaped it. Forget it!"
But the wrestler won't forget it. He keeps on and on at his manager until the old man is at the end of his rope. Finally, he cracks.
"OK," he says, "you asked for it. A shot at The Champ. Well, you're getting it! But listen up; he WILL get you into his Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press, and when he does I ain't waitin' around. I throw in the towel the instant you're in the Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press and maybe we can still save your career!"
"I won't let you down, Chief!" the wrestler assures him. "He won't get ME into any Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press!"
The big night comes, the wrestler's hubris makes him careless and the manager's worst fear is realized: The Champ gets our boy into the Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press in the first minute!
The wrestler's face is a beetroot mask of agony; the Manager goes to throw in the towel, only to find it gone. He left it in the dressing room!
He sprints to go grab it, but just as he makes the dressing room he hears the sound of a bell and a massive cheer shakes the building. It's all over. He takes a seat and waits for the wrestler to reappear, which he does - staggering into the room.
"I told you kid," the Manager says. "I warned you about the Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press. It's all over."
"I won," the Wrestler says. The Managers eyes pop.
"Won? What do you mean, 'won'? You can't have won! He had you! He had you in the Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press! I saw it, with these eyes!"
"Oh, he did," replies the wrestler. "and it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. He had me folded over, bent backwards - but just as I was about to black out, I saw it."
"Saw what?"
"A big pair of nuts hanging right in front of my face, just swinging there. So I bit them!"
"You - bit...?"
"Yep! Champed my teeth right down on those suckers! And then it was easy - I just stood up, threw him down and got him into a simple half-Nelson. He never stood a chance."
"My God!"
"Yep," said the wrestler. "It's incredible the sudden surge of strength you get from biting your own nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kkeqv/the_wrestler/
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A frisky couple are speeding down the highway one day...

The girl takes off all of her clothes and throws them into the backseat. Just as things are getting heated, the guy loses control of his car and they roll over into the ditch. Dazed and bruised, the girl crawls out of the shattered window, and limps around to her boyfriend's side of the car.
"Honey, are you okay?" her voice quivers.
The boy grunts, "I'm pinned in here babe. I need you to find help!"
"Are you kidding?! My clothes are nowhere to be seen! I can't be walking around naked like this!"
The boy uses his left foot to slip off his right shoe, and kicks it out the window to her. He assures her that this is the best they can do. Already starting to blush, she covers her groin with the shoe as she stumbles away.
Eventually she happens upon a lonesome looking tavern at a rest stop. She enters the bar to find it nearly empty, except for an old bartender cleaning up the place.
"Help!" she screams to the bartender, "My boyfriend is stuck!" The old man glances down at the shoe covering the girls shame.
Rubbing his scalp, he says with a sigh, "Lady, if that young feller is that far up there, I'm afraid he's a goner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kkep5/a_frisky_couple_are_speeding_down_the_highway_one/
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Babies are like farts.

We only like our own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kkel8/babies_are_like_farts/
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Broccoli is like anal sex.

If you didn't like it forced on you as a child you probably won't like it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kkeh9/broccoli_is_like_anal_sex/
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Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again,I'm coming to live with you."

Mom replied, no no my daughter, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kkb8l/wife_called_up_her_mom_and_said_he_fought_with_me/
%
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kkagy/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
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On a scale of 1 to 100 how immature are you?

69

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kk5e7/on_a_scale_of_1_to_100_how_immature_are_you/
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What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kk1x0/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
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A 'cure' for lesbianism.

I'm sorry in advance. My dad just told me this joke last night.
"Scientists believe they have found a a cure for lesbianism. The cure can be found in a prescription drug called tricoxsagain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kk1w6/a_cure_for_lesbianism/
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There's a doctor who goes around my neighbourhood handing out body parts...

...he gives me the willies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kjzqd/theres_a_doctor_who_goes_around_my_neighbourhood/
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What's the difference between a old computer and a old prostitute?

A old prostitute won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kjy55/whats_the_difference_between_a_old_computer_and_a/
%
I saw a really nasty wreck on the way to work this morning...

...wish I had had time to pick her up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kjxqw/i_saw_a_really_nasty_wreck_on_the_way_to_work/
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My grandpa used to say that dating was like doing laundry.

Never mix the whites with the colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kjsh9/my_grandpa_used_to_say_that_dating_was_like_doing/
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What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blowjobs?

One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kjn6g/whats_the_difference_between_a_blimp_and_365/
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I ate two pieces of string and they came out tyed together.

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kjmft/i_ate_two_pieces_of_string_and_they_came_out_tyed/
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Maid wanted a salary raise...

Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise
Maid: I can cook better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me!
Madam: Ok, second reason.
Maid: I can iron better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me!
Madam: Ok, and the third reason?
Maid: I am better in bed than you.
Madam's face swelled with rage.
Madam: Did my husband say that?!
Maid: No the driver told me.
Madam: Lower your voice. Is 25% enough?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kjmcq/maid_wanted_a_salary_raise/
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They should call the "Emergency Brake" the "All-Hell Brake"

Because if it fails on a step hill, then "All-Hell brake's loose."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kjm8j/they_should_call_the_emergency_brake_the_allhell/
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A woman wants to buy a pair of spectacles.

A woman walks into a shop and says," Doctor, I think I need a pair of spectacles! "
The shopkeeper replies," You certainly do ma'am! This is a grocery store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kjlay/a_woman_wants_to_buy_a_pair_of_spectacles/
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The man who invented the dildo sadly passed away. His funeral went just as expected.

Only women came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kji42/the_man_who_invented_the_dildo_sadly_passed_away/
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Which black actor supports the right to bear arms?

More gun, free man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kjf8q/which_black_actor_supports_the_right_to_bear_arms/
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Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts?

That's the spirit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kjd4m/do_you_want_to_hear_a_joke_about_ghosts/
%
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.

I otter know better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kjcyv/i_get_beavers_and_similar_animals_mixed_up/
%
What do you call a muslim flying a plane?

A pilot.
What do you call an asian flying a plane?
A pirate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kjbv7/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_flying_a_plane/
%
What is the loneliest number?

My phone number, call me please!
#Please don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kj911/what_is_the_loneliest_number/
%
There are three kind of men in this worls

Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Those who get girlfriends and see wonders happen.
And those who get married and wonder what the hell happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kj8g4/there_are_three_kind_of_men_in_this_worls/
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Princess Diana goes to heaven...

Princess Diana goes to heaven and meets St. Peter. He says to her: Here in heaven we are all equal, so you need to take off the crown. She replies: This is not a crown, it's a rim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kj7sz/princess_diana_goes_to_heaven/
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Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ?

Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kj1ze/teacher_how_did_our_grandparents_kill_time/
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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks decided to have a pit stop at a brothel...

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks decided to have a pit stop at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kj0x8/a_trucker_who_has_been_out_on_the_road_for_two/
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Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11?

Americans can't milk the cow for 14 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kisa1/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_911/
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Why do Americans suck at DOTA2 ?

because they are bad at defending towers  ✈️✈️ 🏢 🏢

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kirq7/why_do_americans_suck_at_dota2/
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Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. They went through 100 stories in 10 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kiovy/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here."

A time traveller walks into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kioh0/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travelers/
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If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner.

They're usually 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kinqj/if_you_ever_get_cold_just_stand_in_a_corner/
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If you think your job is meaningless

remember that in the BMW factory, there are people whose job is to install turning lights

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kidb9/if_you_think_your_job_is_meaningless/
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A man goes to the zoo. There's only one animal, a dog.

It's a pretty Shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ki7qo/a_man_goes_to_the_zoo_theres_only_one_animal_a_dog/
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"Give me a moment"

"Give me a moment," says the physicist as he sits in his desk chair. He wonders why nobody has spun him around yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ki5zk/give_me_a_moment/
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A priest, a rabbi, and a preacher are taking a group of children on a cruise ship when all of the sudden it starts to sink...

The preacher says "We need to save the children!" The rabbi responds " Fuck the kids!" And the priest says "Do you think we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ki359/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_preacher_are_taking_a/
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How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb?

More than ten because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ki1tg/how_many_dead_prostitutes_does_it_take_to_change/
%
Never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khy5x/never_date_a_tennis_player/
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How much does automail cost?

An arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khwod/how_much_does_automail_cost/
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A famous armorer was called to court...

…to demonstrate his new plate design. He set it on a stand in the middle of a grand gallery. The king called in his executioner, a dour and muscular man who prided himself in his ability to slice folk exactly in half, to strike the suit. With a sonorous clang! the executioner’s heavy sword bounced off of the chest piece. Frustrated, he pointed an accusatory finger at the armorer and cried “This is why we can’t halve nice things!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khvmh/a_famous_armorer_was_called_to_court/
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What happens when a Jewish man with an erection walks into a wall?

He breaks his nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khsob/what_happens_when_a_jewish_man_with_an_erection/
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How do Mexicans cut their pizza?

With Little Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khsdd/how_do_mexicans_cut_their_pizza/
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A penis and a condom walk into a bar and spend the whole night drinking,

Come closing the penis tries to stiff the bartender... But his friend had him covered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khpzt/a_penis_and_a_condom_walk_into_a_bar_and_spend/
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Why aren't there any jokes about the Jonestown massacre?

The punch line takes too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khot7/why_arent_there_any_jokes_about_the_jonestown/
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America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president.

You could say they are going toupée for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khkw1/america_is_going_to_suffer_if_donald_trump/
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The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets...

Instead, to deter speeders, the are giving away Bears tickets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khkan/the_city_of_chicago_is_no_longer_giving_speeding/
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what sex position produces the ugliest children?

ask your parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khk3g/what_sex_position_produces_the_ugliest_children/
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A 92 year old man I randomly met told me this one: What do you get when you cross a turkey and a cat?

A pussy gobbler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khjhv/a_92_year_old_man_i_randomly_met_told_me_this_one/
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What's Jerry Sandusky's favorite football position?

Tight end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khgxt/whats_jerry_sanduskys_favorite_football_position/
%
What animal has more lives than a cat?

A frog...because it croaks every night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khgpk/what_animal_has_more_lives_than_a_cat/
%
How long should you microwave fish for?

Tuna half minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khdxf/how_long_should_you_microwave_fish_for/
%
It's an Army Captain's first day as Company Commander.....

He is in his new office, unpacking his stuff and setting things up, there is a knock on the door.  The new Captain wants to impress his new soldiers, so he sits down, picks up the phone, and says "Come in."
A private enters the room, the Captain holds up his finger and starts talking "Ok General, thanks for the invitation to dinner at your house.  I'm excited to be here and thanks again for hand picking me to Command this unit.  See you Friday night. bye."
He hangs up and looks at the private and says "Hey there, what can I do for you?"
The private says "Good morning Sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khdad/its_an_army_captains_first_day_as_company/
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George W. Bush challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a push-up contest.

Schwarzenegger did 910 push-ups. Bush won because he did 911.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khcd6/george_w_bush_challenged_arnold_schwarzenegger_to/
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What did zero say to eight?

Nice belt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khc64/what_did_zero_say_to_eight/
%
What do bears get at raves?

Mauly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khany/what_do_bears_get_at_raves/
%
What Does a Gynecologist and a Pizza worker have in common?

They both get to smell it, but neither gets to eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kh86n/what_does_a_gynecologist_and_a_pizza_worker_have/
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My wife said if this comment is gilded we'll do anal...

I sure hope it isn't, my ass'll be grass when she's done with it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kh47n/my_wife_said_if_this_comment_is_gilded_well_do/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kh3dm/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew?

Boy Scouts come home from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kh320/whats_the_difference_between_a_boy_scout_and_a_jew/
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What's the biggest Jewish conundrum?

Free Bacon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kh1ea/whats_the_biggest_jewish_conundrum/
%
I like dig bick.

you that read wrong.
you read that wrong too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kh0z0/i_like_dig_bick/
%
What do you call a masterbating zombie?

A Deadbeat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kh02u/what_do_you_call_a_masterbating_zombie/
%
Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband:  My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant:  What is her height?
Husband:  Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:  Weight?
Husband:  Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:  Color of eyes?
Husband:  Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:  Color of hair?
Husband:  Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant:  What was she wearing?
Husband:  Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:  What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:  She went in my truck.
Sergeant:  What kind of truck was it?
Husband:  A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine, special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant:  Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kgzoo/husband_went_to_the_sheriffs_department_to_report/
%
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends?

Cause they can't protect their towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kgyml/why_are_americans_bad_at_league_of_legends/
%
Why did 10 die?

He was caught in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kgozs/why_did_10_die/
%
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kgnzq/whats_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
%
How does the Karate Kid pleasure himself?

Wax off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kgljj/how_does_the_karate_kid_pleasure_himself/
%
Why can't Bruce Jenner drive a KIA?

Because they have tranny problems too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kglft/why_cant_bruce_jenner_drive_a_kia/
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donation for swimming pool

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kghvb/donation_for_swimming_pool/
%
My daughter asked if I am going to die someday

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."
She looked relieved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kggsq/my_daughter_asked_if_i_am_going_to_die_someday/
%
Doctor: "I've got good news and bad news."

Patient: "Gee, Doc, what's the bad news?" Dr. "We're going to have to amputate both your legs." Patient "Shit! What's the good news?!" Dr. "The guy next to you wants to buy your slippers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kgebs/doctor_ive_got_good_news_and_bad_news/
%
So these parents were walking their child out in the park and come across a couple having sex.

So these parents were walking their child out in the park and they come across a couple having sex.
The child asks, "Mommy, daddy, what are they doing?"
The parents look at each other and reply "they're baking a cake honey."
The next morning the child comes up to his parents with a grin on his face and says, "I know you were baking a cake last night!"
The dad asks, "oh, how do you know that?"
The child replies, "Because I licked the icing."
*A joke my friend told me 7 years or so ago in grade 6, hope you enjoyed :D"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kgdod/so_these_parents_were_walking_their_child_out_in/
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What did Shang Tsung say after conquering South Korea?

"Your Seoul is mine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kgc9t/what_did_shang_tsung_say_after_conquering_south/
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This guy at the bar yells in my face "Have you been sleeping with my wife?!"...

I said "No, she's always awake when I'm over there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kg7dk/this_guy_at_the_bar_yells_in_my_face_have_you/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walking.
jk, rolling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kg7au/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
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As a Lesbian, I feel like I wasted my time learning to cook.

All my partner and I do is eat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kg71z/as_a_lesbian_i_feel_like_i_wasted_my_time/
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I don't trust left handed people.

there is something not right about them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kfz4l/i_dont_trust_left_handed_people/
%
Guy walks into a bar joke.....

A man who is down in the dumps walks into a bar. He tells the bar tender how is wife was cheating on him and in the divorce he got screwed out of everything and has no money, no house, nothing but the clothes on his back. He then asks the bar tender what it would take for him to drink free for the night. The bartender thinks about it for a minute, then tells him "Ok, so there are 3 things I need you to do. First thing is that I am making a new cinnamon brewed atomic whiskey. last batch sent a man to the hospital as it was too spicy. I need you to taste the new batch and make sure its ok. Secondly, I have a mean guard dog out back that needs to have one of its front teeth pulled. Last person who tried was nearly mauled to death. Then lastly, there is a 94 year old woman upstairs that has never been with a man before. She wants have sex at least once before she dies. If you can do all 3 things for me, your drinks will be on the house all night." The man agrees on the condition that the bar tender lest him get drunk before starting his 3 tasks. After several shots, the man tell the bartender that his is ready for the atomic whiskey. he takes the shot, stand up, then tumbles to the back of the bar. as soon as he steps outside, there is growling and barking, but after a few minutes there is the sound of the dog whimpering, then silence. The man burst through the back door and says "Alright, now where's that bitch with the bad tooth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kfyq0/guy_walks_into_a_bar_joke/
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Jack says to his friend Mike, “I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kfyjk/jack_says_to_his_friend_mike_im_sleeping_with_the/
%
50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?
One hundred people who don't do dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kfwo1/50_lawyers_in_a_room_with_50_lesbians/
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Why didn't the life guard save the hippy?

He was too far out man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kfvof/why_didnt_the_life_guard_save_the_hippy/
%
What do you call a slutty vegan

A herbivwhore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kfunr/what_do_you_call_a_slutty_vegan/
%
Met a girl at the park today. It just felt like there were sparks between us. And as we lay making love a short time later I thought

"Damn, this taser was a good buy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kfqoh/met_a_girl_at_the_park_today_it_just_felt_like/
%
What's a pirates favorite letter?

*arrrrrrr?*
you'd think that but it's actually P, because with out it they'd just be irate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kfk3z/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
How many Harvard graduates does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one.  He holds up the light bulb,  and the world revolves around him
*I'll see myself out*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kfi6i/how_many_harvard_graduates_does_it_take_to_change/
%
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

Because they kept saying "BACH BACH BACH"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kfe7u/why_did_beethoven_get_rid_of_his_chickens/
%
I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.

It really makes my patients nervous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kf9ig/i_have_a_bad_habit_of_screaming_during_rectal/
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What does the snowman call his wife?

Snowblower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kf8a1/what_does_the_snowman_call_his_wife/
%
You hear the one about the kid who was born with no eyelids?

The doctor was able to make new ones for him with the kid's foreskin. When the parents asked if he'll be fine, the doctor replied, "Oh he'll be fine, he'll just be a little cock-eyed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kf837/you_hear_the_one_about_the_kid_who_was_born_with/
%
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says "please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh
............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kf6n1/a_little_silverhaired_lady_calls_her_neighbour/
%
What do you call a rich brown person driving an Audi?

A Saudi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kf478/what_do_you_call_a_rich_brown_person_driving_an/
%
It was a mailman's last day on his route after 30 years.

He'd grown to know all the people on one particular street and felt a fondness for each of them. As he approached the first house, he delivered the mail and was greeted by a kind old woman who offered him a loaf of fresh bread and a tall glass of milk. He took the bread, drank the milk, and moved onto the next house.
At the next house, he was greeted by a family who handed him a card. It was signed by everyone and thanked him for his service. A tear rolled down his cheek as he read it.
At the next house, he found an absolutely gorgeous woman dressed to the nines. She grabbed him by the hand and lead him up to her bedroom where she treated him to the most amazing sex of his life. Afterward, she handed him a dollar bill and took him to the kitchen where she cooked him a wonderful meal.
Surprised, the mailman asked "What was that for?"
The woman responded "We heard that you were retiring and everyone in the neighborhood was doing something nice for you. I asked my husband what we should do and he said: 'Fuck that guy. Give him a dollar.' Lunch was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kf3d1/it_was_a_mailmans_last_day_on_his_route_after_30/
%
My girlfriend must think that I'm John Cena.

She told me she's not seeing me anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kf323/my_girlfriend_must_think_that_im_john_cena/
%
A man gets home from work...

he walks inside, takes off his coat, grabs a cold beer, and walks out to  his rocking chair on the porch and takes a seat.
As he is relaxing, he notices his neighbors little boy Billy walking past his house with some duct tape. The man shouts out to the boy,
"What you got there Billy?".
"Duct tape"
"What you doing with duct tape son?".
"Gonna go catch some ducks".
The man laughs to himself saying "That's not gonna work."
About 15 minutes later, here comes Billy with 3 ducks wrapped up in some duct tape. The man thinks to himself, "There is no way".
A little while later, here comes Billy again holding some chicken wire.
"What you got there Billy?"
"Chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
The Man laughs and shouts to Billy "You know that's not how you catch chickens." The boy ignored and went on his way.
About 15 minutes later, here comes Billy with 3 chickens caught up in some chicken wire.
The man looks out in disbelief. "How'd you catch those Billy?"
"With the chicken wire." The man is astonished.
A couple minutes later, here comes Billy again holding a flower. "What you got there Billy?" The boy replies, "A Pussywillow". The man shouts back, "Hold on, I'll get my coat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kf301/a_man_gets_home_from_work/
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Describe your last relationship with a movie title:

12 Years A Slave

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kf2kl/describe_your_last_relationship_with_a_movie_title/
%
Custer's last words

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the confused artist.
"No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts"
"And there you have it" said the artist "His last words were - Holy cow! look at all those fucking indians!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kf0ga/custers_last_words/
%
Worst profession for take your kid to work day:

Suicide Bomber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kf032/worst_profession_for_take_your_kid_to_work_day/
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Why did the cellist get arrested?

He was fingering A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kewcl/why_did_the_cellist_get_arrested/
%
I heard this in at the barber shop from an old patron, it's my favorite joke.

There's a butcher tending to his shop when a dog walks in.
The dog has a note in his mouth, with a $10 bill attached.
The butcher bends down and picks the note out of the dog's mouth, reading aloud he says: "2 pork chops please" and the dog sits.
The butcher, highly impressed, packages two pork chops for the dog, wraps them up and gives the bag to the dog who picks it up and exits the shop.
The butcher was so blown away that he decided he was going to follow this dog on his journey home, and closed up shop.
With the butcher following on the way home, the dog stopped at a stop sign and waited for traffic.
The dog got to a stop light which was red, he waited for it to turn green before crossing the street.
The butcher couldn't believe what he was seeing.
Dog stopped at a bus stop, a bus bus pulled up with the dog remained on the bench. When the next bus came the dog got on and, so did the butcher.
After about five or six stops, the dog reaches his destination and him and the butcher exit the bus.
The butcher follows the dog 1 or 2 more streets around the corner, and stops short of the house at the end of the driveway.
So the dog walks up to the door, he sets the pork chops down and scratches at the door. Nobody answers the door.
The dog stood on his hind legs and scratched harder on the door. No answer.
Frustrated, the dog goes to the side of the house and uses his paw to tap on the window. He goes back to the front door, but nobody answers.
The dog begins to become frantic, and starts to hurl his body at the door slamming into it as loud as possible. He slams and slams and slams.
After about a minute of this, finally somebody opens the door. The dog's owner was not happy to see him, he immediately started to yell and hit the dog, calling him a complete idiot.
The butcher, who is all this happening, ran up the driveway to the owner of the dog to get him to stop. "No!" He exclaimed, "This dog is a genius! I just followed him home, you wouldn't believe what I saw him do to get here!"
"*Oh really?!*" Says the owner, "*Well this is the third time he's forgot his keys this week!!*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kerat/i_heard_this_in_at_the_barber_shop_from_an_old/
%
What did the Scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of Helium?

HeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3keohc/what_did_the_scientist_say_when_he_found_2/
%
God see's Adam feeling depressed, and he decides help him out.

God says, " Adam, I will make you a companion who will cook for you, clean for you, do your laundry and please you in every way you can imagine".
Adam says, "Wow! This sounds great, but what will it cost me?"
God replies,"An arm and a leg".
Adam thinks about this for a second and says, "What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3keo3a/god_sees_adam_feeling_depressed_and_he_decides/
%
Why does Santa have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kel7o/why_does_santa_have_such_a_big_sack/
%
What's the difference between light and hard?

Well, you can sleep with a light on...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kehx4/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
"I've been a very bad girl. I need to be punished." She said...

"Very well.." I replied.. installing windows 8 on her laptop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kehps/ive_been_a_very_bad_girl_i_need_to_be_punished/
%
What do you call a scouser in a suit?

The defendant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3keh1l/what_do_you_call_a_scouser_in_a_suit/
%
A Jewish man is on his death bed.

A Jewish man is on his death bed and calls for his wife.
Wife: Im here darling.
Man: Are my kids here in this room?
Wife: Yes of course they are love.
Man: What about my grand kids?
Wife: Yes darling they are all here.
Man: What about my 2 brothers and sister? are they in this room?
Wife: Yes dear we are all here with you.
Man: Then why the hell are the lights on in the living room?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kefv5/a_jewish_man_is_on_his_death_bed/
%
Two condoms walk past a gay bar...

One turns to the other and says 'Wanna go in there and get shit faced?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kefb3/two_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

12.
One to screw it in,
one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,
one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like",
one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic,
one to blame men for not changing the bulb,
one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,
one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,
one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs,
one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,
one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men,
and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ke7u7/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
I hate Russian Dolls

They're so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ke7ae/i_hate_russian_dolls/
%
You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation...

Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ke5qx/you_can_burn_up_to_150_calories_through_one/
%
So, my masturbation classes are not going to well I'm afraid...

...yesterday, nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ke3s3/so_my_masturbation_classes_are_not_going_to_well/
%
Why female sys-admins restart systems more often then men?

Because they love those new boots!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ke34g/why_female_sysadmins_restart_systems_more_often/
%
A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family.

He is the seoul breadwinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kdx8x/a_north_korean_man_frequently_sneaks_to_the_south/
%
What's the difference between a hedgehog and a limo?

A hedgehogs got pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kdvl1/whats_the_difference_between_a_hedgehog_and_a_limo/
%
What's the difference between jokes and pussy?

I don't fucking get jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kdu4j/whats_the_difference_between_jokes_and_pussy/
%
A couple returns from their honeymoon

refusing to speak to each other. The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”
“That’s not the problem, ” the groom says. “She gave me $20 change!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kdsk0/a_couple_returns_from_their_honeymoon/
%
[NSFW] What's the difference between a woman and a Fridge?

A Fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kdr8t/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
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How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart

?
When she starts her sentence with ,
“A man once told me… “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kdqzv/how_do_you_know_when_a_womans_about_to_say/
%
My wife didn't finish her Morse code lessons before going sailing.

She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kdqtt/my_wife_didnt_finish_her_morse_code_lessons/
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Why did Jon snow wait outside he Apple Store for 3 days?

For the watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kdnuw/why_did_jon_snow_wait_outside_he_apple_store_for/
%
Some translated Italian jokes on the European immigrant crisis

Venezuela offers refuge to 20k immigrants. *Now I want to see how you even get here.*
France suggests bombing Syria. To drive out the last refugees.
Clashes on the border between Hungary and Serbia. If I were an Austrian archduke, I would stay home.
Merkel: "Refugees will change Germany". In particular, they need a goalkeeper and defender.
Putin, on the immigration topic: "If you need any gas..."
Thousands of refugees ready to walk 250km. The Kenyans are already ahead.
A baby named Hope was just born in Budapest station. She joins her two brothers, Werefucked and Ohshitrun.
Italian politician visits a refugee center. Now *they* want to help *us*.
Italian right wing politician: "I'd just take in immigrants with a mindset similar to mine." Well then, ISIS is pretty good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kdkpq/some_translated_italian_jokes_on_the_european/
%
Why don't hipsters live in Alaska?

Everything is cool there already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kdcnz/why_dont_hipsters_live_in_alaska/
%
Italy, year VI of the Fascist Era.

A very very poor farmer is desperate. He doesn't have food, money or clothes for his children. He's so desperate that he decides to write a letter to God, asking for 500 lire (Italian money).
So he takes a pen and some paper, writes the request, and encloses it in an envelope. Now he has to write the address...
> To The Almighty
Then he stops and thinks "OK. Where does the Almighty live? They say that all the big fish live in Rome."
And he writes:
> To The Almighty
> Rome
The postman receives the letter, reads this address, and figures out that it must be Benito Mussolini, the Duce, who was considered godlike.
When Mussolini receives the letter, he's moved and decides to send 250 lire to the poor farmer, to be more loved and to exploit the situation for propaganda. He also signs the letter with his autograph.
When the farmer receives the letter, he opens it and is ecstatic. After calming down, he decides to reply to send thanks.
So he writes:
>Dear Almighty,
> thanks from the bottom of my heart,  this money will help my family survive.
> Just one thing though. Next time you send money, please don't let it pass through Benito Mussolini's hands: that motherfucker stole half the money!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kd91g/italy_year_vi_of_the_fascist_era/
%
I went to the zoo..

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog. It was a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kd8b1/i_went_to_the_zoo/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, because he's not a full ese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kd7p0/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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Air and sex

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kd673/air_and_sex/
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I'm trying to write a joke about unemployed people...

It needs more work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kd0fm/im_trying_to_write_a_joke_about_unemployed_people/
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Captain Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.
One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew  became worried, but the Captain was calm.
He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain,  calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!
The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an  ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'
*Just sharing an old piece from Reader's Digest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kczlu/captain_red_shirt/
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The rotation of the earth.

Really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kcwxm/the_rotation_of_the_earth/
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Jesus and Satan were arguing about who was better with computers...

Jesus and Satan were arguing about who was better with computers, when they decided to see for sure by having a contest. Whoever could demonstrate greater skill, as judged by God, would be deemed the winner. So the two sat down at their computers and began typing, furiously creating spreadsheets, databases, and dank memes. All of a sudden, there was a blackout, and as God's cloud service was not available, Satan was furious because all his work was lost. Once power was restored, however, Satan saw Jesus quietly posting and printing his work. When asked how he did it, God simply said: "Jesus saves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kcw4y/jesus_and_satan_were_arguing_about_who_was_better/
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If I am ever in a coma on life support I want my family to unplug me...

And then plug me back in. See if that works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kcv9s/if_i_am_ever_in_a_coma_on_life_support_i_want_my/
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What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?

The Head Nurse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kcnd0/what_do_you_call_a_nurse_with_dirty_knees/
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How do windmills feel about renewable energy?

They're pretty big fans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kcmd5/how_do_windmills_feel_about_renewable_energy/
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A guy tattoos his wife's name on his dick (possible nsfw)

A guy was getting married and decided to tattoo his wife's name, Wendy, on his penis. When it was erect, her name was on it, but when it wasn't, it only said "wy"
So they get married and go on their honeymoon to Jamaica. On the last day, the newlyweds go to a nude beach. The guy goes to the bar there and sees the bartender - nude as well - with a tattoo on his flaccid dick that also says "WY." He says to the bartender, "is your wife's name also Wendy? I see your dick is tattooed." Bartender says "no mon, my dick says 'Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day,' mon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kclew/a_guy_tattoos_his_wifes_name_on_his_dick_possible/
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Why the new Apple Pencil isn't included with the new iPad Pro.

There is no point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kckk7/why_the_new_apple_pencil_isnt_included_with_the/
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No matter how much you push the envelope

It will always be stationery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kck4c/no_matter_how_much_you_push_the_envelope/
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Three boys are on a farm... (NSFW)

looking after it while their parents are out for a few hours. The oldest boy accidently kills the goat, and is so scared, he says he's going into the woods to shoot himself. He then runs, and takes a loaded shotgun with him. Two minutes later, a deafening gunshot fills the woods.
The two other boys panic, and try to follow him. Along the way, one boy meets a fairy. She says 'I know why you're running - and I'll bring your brother and the goat back to life, if you do me harder than I've ever been done before'. the first boy agrees, and drives it hard into the fairy. She starts shouting 'Harder! HARDER!' until the poor boy can't take it any more, and passes out.
The second boy comes, and sees his brother passed out, but still breathing. He sees the fairy too, and she says the same thing: 'do me harder than I've been done before, and I'll revive your oldest brother, as well as the goat'. The second boy made a valiant effort, but just couldn't do it, and also passes out.
Just as the fairy's about to leave, the oldest comes out of the woods with a pair of dead rabbits in his hand. The fairy is quite surprised, but then says 'If you do me harder than I've ever been done before, i'll wake up both your brothers, and revive the goat. Without even thinking, the oldest immediately says 'YES!' and immediately starts doing her. She kept shouting 'more! More! MORE!', but the oldest keeps up, until the fairy orgasms. She then revives the goat, and wakes the two brothers. She then asks 'I had no idea how hard you could pork me!'
'Well,' says the oldest, 'how ELSE do you think I killed the goat?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kcfv9/three_boys_are_on_a_farm_nsfw/
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A tyrant decides to check on the patience of his people, so he decides to play a game... (Modified political joke)

(Just for the record, this joke I believe is from Arabic and is supposed to portray a certain nation, but I've modified it a little)
He tells his advisers to set up a roadblock in the entrance of the capital to see if anyone speaks up. Nobody does.
After a while, he orders his advisers to start doing ID checks while the roadblocks are set up, yet he hears no complaints.
The tyrant, somewhat amused and frustrated, orders his advisers to ticket the people coming in and going out, and even still there are no complaints.
Out of spite, he tells his advisers to order the guards at the checkpoints to slap people on the face then ticket them as they enter and leave the city. The entrance and exit roads are always congested, then one day one man goes ballistic.
The tyrant summons the angry man before him and asks him what the problem is. The man says: "Please, for god's sake at least put two guards at a time so they can slap us faster and reduce the waiting time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kca4h/a_tyrant_decides_to_check_on_the_patience_of_his/
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Two Beggars in Rome

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said,
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kc9b3/two_beggars_in_rome/
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What do you call a bunch of potheads working together?

A joint effort!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kc4eo/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_potheads_working/
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After their ship wrecked...

...a Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American washed up on a small island. Not long after, they were captured by savages and forced to kneel. The chief says "We will torture you, kill you, feed your meat to our dogs, and use your skin for our canoes! Any last requests?" The Frenchman requests a knife and exclaims "Viva la France!" before cutting his own throat. The Englishman takes the knife and exclaims "Long live the Queen!" before doing likewise. The American requests a fork and shouts "Fuck your canoes!' and begins to stab himself all over his torso.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kc3nl/after_their_ship_wrecked/
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A Priest, an alcoholic and a Paedophile, walk in to a bar.

He buys a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kbrku/a_priest_an_alcoholic_and_a_paedophile_walk_in_to/
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What's the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter

Warning: Offensive
Harry got out of the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kbpvz/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_harry/
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I See your 7 year old jokes and I raise my own, What do you get when you cross the ocean with a Train Station?

A Whale Way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kbpgl/i_see_your_7_year_old_jokes_and_i_raise_my_own/
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What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards?

A Czech Republic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kbn2a/what_do_you_call_a_country_that_doesnt_use_credit/
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A woman is at her father’s deathbed.

She hasn’t seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left.
“Dad, I’m sorry,” she whispers.
“Goodbye, Sorry,” he says, “*I’m dead.*”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kbl44/a_woman_is_at_her_fathers_deathbed/
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What came first the chicken or the egg?

The Rooster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kb96g/what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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What do you call a rude German?

A Deutsch bag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kb8kv/what_do_you_call_a_rude_german/
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Susie wasn't the best student in Sunday school...

Susie was sleeping in class when the teacher asked her "who created the universe?" Timmy, who was sitting behind her, poked her with his pencil to wake her up and she yelled out "God Almighty!" Very good, said the teacher.
Later, when Susie was sleeping again her teacher asked her "Who is our lord and saviour?" Again Timmy poker her with a pencil and she yelled out "Jesus Christ!" Well done, said the teacher, who was clearly impressed.
Even later, Susie was again asleep and the teacher asked her "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?" Timmy goes to poke Susie with his pencil again and she yells out "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break it in half!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kb8jz/susie_wasnt_the_best_student_in_sunday_school/
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A brunette, red head and blonde are pregnant.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead go to the doctor and find out that they are pregnant so they want to find out the sex of the baby. The brunette says, well I was on the bottom so I'm having a boy. The redhead said I was on top so I'm having a girl. The Blonde said, I guess im having puppies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kb3mx/a_brunette_red_head_and_blonde_are_pregnant/
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur.

Licktalottapuss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kb16s/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
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What do you call an Asian gold digger?

Cha Ching

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kb14s/what_do_you_call_an_asian_gold_digger/
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Little Johnny's at it again....

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kazoq/little_johnnys_at_it_again/
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California

Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kaz2m/california/
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said.  "Stand in the corner."  She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.  "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.  "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.  "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom.  I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue'.  "Eat something.  I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kayui/a_woman_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/
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I'll see your 7 year old joke and I'll raise you my own. What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kasve/ill_see_your_7_year_old_joke_and_ill_raise_you_my/
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God, I hate homeless people

They make no cents...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kasp3/god_i_hate_homeless_people/
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What do race car drivers wear under their fire retardant suits?

Speedos !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kasmt/what_do_race_car_drivers_wear_under_their_fire/
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank the coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kap2q/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
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Here's a mind bender my 8 year old son came up with: Why are trees green?

For camouflage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kao2n/heres_a_mind_bender_my_8_year_old_son_came_up/
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My little cousin dropped this one on me:

Me: Wow, you must've grown a foot since the last time I saw you!
Cosin: Nope, still have two!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kaigp/my_little_cousin_dropped_this_one_on_me/
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Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids, here's mine: What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson?

Do you want to be black, or white?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kacxo/since_were_doing_jokes_we_made_up_as_kids_heres/
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I see your childhood joke and raise you mine: What object crashes the most?

A kaleidoscope!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ka63m/i_see_your_childhood_joke_and_raise_you_mine_what/
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What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

...Irrelephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ka5q3/what_do_you_call_an_elephant_that_doesnt_matter/
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Two middle eastern brothers move to the US...

they each make a bet over which will be more Americanized in a years time. At the end of the year the first brother says to the other "Today I'm going to see my son play in a baseball game and after we're going to McDonalds for dinner". The second looks at him and says "Fuck off towel head".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ka5aq/two_middle_eastern_brothers_move_to_the_us/
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So a termite walks into a bar...

...and asks, "Hey, is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ka4qs/so_a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
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Hot girl in my apartment

I got this hot girl back to my apartment the other day, we ripped each others clothes off and just went
at it on the floor.
I had her on her back and went down when she said "David, can you take your glasses off they're digging into my thighs?"  So I took them off and we carried on.
Minutes later she called again, "David" she said, "Can you put your glasses back on please?"
"Why?" I inquired.
"Because you're eating the carpet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ka3rf/hot_girl_in_my_apartment/
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"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. To find out what the par is for this damn hole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ka12d/i_have_a_confession_to_make_im_not_a_virgin/
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Why does tigger smell?

Becuase he hangs around with pooh!
Had to share my 5 year olds joke..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9zpr/why_does_tigger_smell/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9wtp/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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Took my drivers test high on magic mushrooms.

Passed with flying colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9way/took_my_drivers_test_high_on_magic_mushrooms/
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My favorite toilet in my house is broken

Guess I'll have to make doo with my other one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9vob/my_favorite_toilet_in_my_house_is_broken/
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What drink can wrongly convict a black man?

Tequila Mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9vnt/what_drink_can_wrongly_convict_a_black_man/
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What happened to the illegally parked frog?

It got toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9v3x/what_happened_to_the_illegally_parked_frog/
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A man passing through a rural village walks into the local tavern...

A man passing through a rural village walks into the local tavern. He sits down and is soon greeted by the bartender. The bartender pours him a beer as he sees the man admiring the craftsmanship of the bar.
"You see this bar?" asks the bartender. "I crafted this with my own two hands. I cut the timber myself, I chiseled it myself, and sanded it myself. But do you think anyone calls me Joe the Carpenter? No, no. They don't."
The man shakes his head, sympathizing with the bartender, and continues to drink his beer as the bartender points out the window. "You see that rock wall around the entrance?" The man nodded. "I built that too. I found the stone myself. I carried it all the way to town. I mixed the mortar and I laid and shaped the stone all on my own. It's a beautiful wall and I am very proud of it. But do you think anyone calls me Joe the Stonemason?" the bartender asked, "No! Nobody calls me that!"
"But I fuck ONE goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9uww/a_man_passing_through_a_rural_village_walks_into/
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Movies you wish Tom Cruise would star in:

Remission Impossible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9uj8/movies_you_wish_tom_cruise_would_star_in/
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Man and woman on an airplane

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9nko/man_and_woman_on_an_airplane/
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How soft is Bill Gate's pillow?

Microsoft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9ndb/how_soft_is_bill_gates_pillow/
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When you really have to pee and there's no bathroom in sight...

Urine trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9l8l/when_you_really_have_to_pee_and_theres_no/
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God and the devil were arguing with each other...

... God says to him "I've had it! I'm taking you to court." The devil says back "yeah? Well where are you going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9it5/god_and_the_devil_were_arguing_with_each_other/
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Where does the computer nerd go for a drink?

At the space bar.
How does he pay for his drinks?
Puts them on a Tab.
Where does he do when he's had too many drinks?
The IP address.
Where does he poop?
Install.
How does the computer nerd potty train his son?
CTRL+P.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9iqd/where_does_the_computer_nerd_go_for_a_drink/
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What happened when the astrophysicist lost a competition?

He got a constellation prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9e38/what_happened_when_the_astrophysicist_lost_a/
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I lost my watch at a party once...

and then I saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl.
I walked up to the guy and punched him right in the nose, because no one ever does that to a girl...
Not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9dwy/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are going to be in a movie about classical composers...

They are talking to the director about what roles they want to play.
Sean Connery says "I would shertainly like to play Moshart."
Sylvester Stallone says "Uh, well, I guess I wanna play Beethoven."
And so Arnold pauses a moment, and then says "I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k99ib/sean_connery_sylvester_stallone_and_arnold/
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Why do mathematician never go to the beach?

Because they got sin and cos to give them a tan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k95d7/why_do_mathematician_never_go_to_the_beach/
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What is Michael Bay's favorite chess move?

C4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k94yw/what_is_michael_bays_favorite_chess_move/
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Johnny shows his new watch to his girl friend

.
Johnny: My watch says you are not a virgin
Girl: But I'm still a virgin
Johnny: My watch is 20 minutes fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k94yc/johnny_shows_his_new_watch_to_his_girl_friend/
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What do you call an old person trying to fit in with today's kids?

A dislocated hipster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k92xz/what_do_you_call_an_old_person_trying_to_fit_in/
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Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k92bg/husband_says_looks_like_hes_still_fucking/
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Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

It's the scenter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k92ae/why_is_your_nose_in_the_middle_of_your_face/
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap...

The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k9202/a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
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I'm going to make a movie about a guy in a turban who turns into a monster at night...

...it'll be called "Hyde & Sikh".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k903f/im_going_to_make_a_movie_about_a_guy_in_a_turban/
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A joke my philosophy professor told me

So philosophers are known to have horrible jokes, and this one is no exception. I'm just posting this for any philosophers who may or may not appreciate it.
John has a date tomorrow with a pretty girl from his philosophy class. He's a nervous fellow and is worried about how to break the ice and start a conversation. His dad notices his son is nervous and fretting over something, and asks him what the problem is.
"Oh dad, I have a date tomorrow and I don't know how to break the ice!"
"Well, son, that's easy! There are three things to talk about that will start a conversation. Food, family, and philosophy!"
So the next day, John goes to the ice cream parlor (it's an old joke) with his date. She stares at her ice cream and doesn't look up or speak at all. John is getting a little nervous, but remembers the ice breakers his dad taught him.
"Do you like pizza?"
The girl looks up from her food and says "No."
John, more nervous now, says "Oh. Well do you have a brother?"
His date once again looks up and says "NO!"
John, nervous as ever, is struggling to remember the third ice breaker his father taught him. Finally, he remembers! Philosophy!
John straightens his face and asks "Well, if you had a brother, would he like pizza?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8zim/a_joke_my_philosophy_professor_told_me/
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A Payer for Special Needs.

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head and then  prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know.  It ain't 'til next week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8wym/a_payer_for_special_needs/
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Kenny G walks into an elevator and says

“Man, this place is HAPPENING!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8wy2/kenny_g_walks_into_an_elevator_and_says/
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What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the South?

Nothin. You're gonna lose a trailer either way.
-Robin Williams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8w8f/whats_the_difference_between_a_tornado_and_a/
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I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!
*drops mic*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8vdu/i_give_to_you_a_joke_i_made_up_when_i_was_seven/
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A women is cheating on her husband we she hears him returning. "Quick hide!"

The man desperately darted around the room looking for somewhere to hide. Before he could find a good hiding space it was too late, the husband was already making his way up the staircase. Losing all hope the man hid in the bathroom. As soon as the husband arrived in the room he told his wife he going to have a shower, before she could stop him he had swung open the bathroom door, exposing the cheater. He was looking all over the room up, and down. "Who are you?!" asked the husband. "Pest Control", replied the man. "Pest control?!" "for what pests?" "Moths", replied the man. "Then why are you naked?" The naked man patted himself up and down, starred back and said "the bastards!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8q5b/a_women_is_cheating_on_her_husband_we_she_hears/
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My Dr. just diagnosed me as 'paranoid'!

Well, she didn't say that, but I know the bitch was thinking it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8mpt/my_dr_just_diagnosed_me_as_paranoid/
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Iron Man and the Silver Surfer should team up.

They'd be strong alloys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8lfx/iron_man_and_the_silver_surfer_should_team_up/
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She actually said that?

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’ "
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!' ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8l48/she_actually_said_that/
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Two jungle explorers got captured by cannibals...

Now they find themselves in a giant cauldron full of water over an open fire. The water is getting warmer and warmer and both of them realize they're done for. So they're sitting there not sure what to do when one of them lets out a chuckle. "how could you laugh at a time like this?" says the other one, "we're both about to die!".
"I know...but I just peed in their soup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8iwg/two_jungle_explorers_got_captured_by_cannibals/
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A bullet walks into a bar, depressed.

"Why the sad face?" asks the bartender.
"I got fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8imh/a_bullet_walks_into_a_bar_depressed/
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Scotch and Water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8icp/scotch_and_water/
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Why does the sun never set on the British Empire?

Because God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8h42/why_does_the_sun_never_set_on_the_british_empire/
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Welcome to Jamaica, enjoy your stay

A guy asks his fiance to marry him. She says okay, but only if you get a tattoo of my name on your dick. The guy agrees and gets "Wendy" tattooed on his dick.  When he has a soft one you could only see "WY"
They ends up going to Jamaica for their honeymoon. The guy goes into the bathroom and sees a 7 foot Jamaican guy enters the bathroom and stands next to him taking a piss. The man looks at his dick and says "No way, your wifes name is Wendy as well!?". The guy looks at the man and says, "No, it says Welcome to Jamaica enjoy your stay".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8fc6/welcome_to_jamaica_enjoy_your_stay/
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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Still unsure as to whether or not that full stop adds to humorous effect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k88aa/a_freudian_slip_is_when_you_say_one_thing_but/
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Why Gordon Ramsey hates WWE

Because it's f*cking RAW

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k86cc/why_gordon_ramsey_hates_wwe/
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I once told a girl to text me when she gets home

She must have been homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k823d/i_once_told_a_girl_to_text_me_when_she_gets_home/
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My Wife said 'All you do is talk about Football..

There's so many more important things in life than that.
Like, what about Syria?"
I said "Well this year I think it's between Fiorentina, Roma or Juventus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k81ne/my_wife_said_all_you_do_is_talk_about_football/
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I ran into a fat guy on the way to work

Luckily I bounced back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k81ee/i_ran_into_a_fat_guy_on_the_way_to_work/
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AMA Request: Kim Davis.

I would like to hear her answer this question, for she seems uniquely qualified to do so:
If a man and woman from Kentucky get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k7ug0/ama_request_kim_davis/
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A 14yr old boy ran into his house yelling "mom mom come quick, I have great news!" The mother asked "what is it, what's so exciting!" "I had sex for the first time today!"

Replied the boy The mother gasped, raised her hand and slapped the boy across the face. "get up to your room and stay ther until your father gets home!!" yelled the mother. An hour later the boys father arrived home, got the update from the mother and went upstairs to talk to the boy. "So I hear you had sex for the first time today" said the father "Your mother is upset, but I think this is something for a father and son to celebrate! What do you say we go and get you that motor-bike you've been asking for?" "wow, answered the boy, "But do you think we can wait until tomorrow, my ass is still killing me!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k7tbc/a_14yr_old_boy_ran_into_his_house_yelling_mom_mom/
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Since we're at it: Dating in your 30s is like registering a domain name...

The good ones are all taken. But you can always get one from an exotic country...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k7pib/since_were_at_it_dating_in_your_30s_is_like/
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What do you call it when a banana eats another banana?

Canabananalism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k7p53/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_banana_eats_another/
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What's the definition of a will?

(Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k7isl/whats_the_definition_of_a_will/
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A black woman had 5 sons name Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone and Tyrone....

How did she tell them apart?
She called them by their last names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k7975/a_black_woman_had_5_sons_name_tyrone_tyrone/
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A Redditor sees a comment that he doesn't agree with...

...and gives it an upvote because it's a valid point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k78ay/a_redditor_sees_a_comment_that_he_doesnt_agree/
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2 Mexican brothers crossed the border and need money

(Slightly Racist - You have been warned)
Jose and Juan, 2 brothers, crossed the border to USA and had no cash. Their plan was to beg on the streets for some money. So the two brothers both got cardboard and made their own signs. Juan says "Lets split up, you go up the street, I do down, we meet here at night."
Jose agrees to the plan and heads up the street with his sign begging for money at a busy intersection. Juan feeling good about his plan goes down the street at another intersection and begs also.
By the end of the day, the 2 brothers meet where they started with all their money. Juan, still feeling good about his plan, shows his younger brother he made $40! While Juan is laughing, his younger brother pulls out $200 from his pockets.
Juan shocked ask his brother, "How did you make so much money?" His brother responded, "Read my sign." Jose's sign reads "Need $20 to go back to Mexico"
(My dad told me this joke when I was 10, I live in LA area)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k71zg/2_mexican_brothers_crossed_the_border_and_need/
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My girlfriend told me to go out and bring back something that made her look sexy.

I came home drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k6zm3/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_go_out_and_bring_back/
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My girlfriend treats me like a god.

She ignores me until she needs something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k6yoy/my_girlfriend_treats_me_like_a_god/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and Joseph Stalin are in an art exhibit

and they spot a beautiful portrait of Adam and Eve.
"Oh, look how dignified and noble they are! It's clear that Adam and Eve were English", says the Englishman.
"No way, man! Observe their grace and beauty and love! They are clearly French!", says the Frenchman.
The two keep arguing until Stalin simply scoffs and laughs while shaking his head. "Comrades, you are missing the point! Look at them. They have no clothes and no shelter, and they have only apples to eat, yet they are told that they are living in paradise. They are obviously Russian!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k6yai/an_englishman_a_frenchman_and_joseph_stalin_are/
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Hillary Clinton, the Pope, Barack Obama, and a boy scout are all on a plane

and the plane is crashing!
There are three parachutes that the four can use, but each parachute can only carry one person.
"As the leader of the free world, I'm afraid I must insist that I take a parachute. All of America depends on me!", says Barack Obama, and he is given a parachute.
After he jumps, Hillary Clinton goes next. "I am the most gifted and most intelligent woman in all of creation and I am America's future president, so I DEMAND a parachute!". The boy sighs and hands her it, and she jumps out of the window.
Finally, only the Pope and the boy scout are left.
"My child, I have already lived a long and gifted life, and I am ready to join the Lord in Heaven, so take the parachute.", the Pope says.
"You take one.", says the boy.
"No, you do not understand. I am not long for this earth anyway and am ready to sacrifice my elderly self for you so you can live out your life.", says the Pope.
"No, really, you take a parachute!", says the boy scout.
"Son, we don't have much time! There is only one parachute left and you must take it.", says the Pope.
"No, we have two parachutes! I gave that bitch my backpack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k6wuc/hillary_clinton_the_pope_barack_obama_and_a_boy/
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What's it called when you go around looking for stuff to buy that's made in America?

Antiquing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k6vlh/whats_it_called_when_you_go_around_looking_for/
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So the French army has recently installed rearview mirrors to their tanks.

That way, they can watch the fighting!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k6vhb/so_the_french_army_has_recently_installed/
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What do you call a nautical plunderer who assists with the flight of an aircraft?

A co-pirate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k6t5e/what_do_you_call_a_nautical_plunderer_who_assists/
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A zoologist, a statistician, and a mathematician are sitting across the street from an empty house.

While they are sitting there they see two people enter the house. A short while later they see three people leave the house.
The zoologist says "They must have reproduced."
The statistician says "Our initial count must have been wrong."
The mathematician says "If one more person goes into that house it will be empty again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k6qzq/a_zoologist_a_statistician_and_a_mathematician/
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A scoliosis patient had given up hope of recovery..

But after the long and painful surgery, he took his first steps and humbly said "I stand corrected".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k6lcf/a_scoliosis_patient_had_given_up_hope_of_recovery/
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What do you call a crocodile who always lies?

A croc o' shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k6fbb/what_do_you_call_a_crocodile_who_always_lies/
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Did you hear about the epileptic midget who works at the pizzeria?

They call him Little Seizures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k6f5e/did_you_hear_about_the_epileptic_midget_who_works/
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Three men go to heaven, and St. Peter says they are full....

...so they are transported down to hell. The devil, being a reasonable guy, apologizes for the mistake, and promises to set each man up with a room filled with whatever they want. The first man asks for a room full of chocolate, which the devil procures, and closes the door behind him. The second man asks for a room full of beautiful women, the devil agrees, and shows him into the room. The third man requests a room full of Marijuana. The devil shows him in, and says "Ok, I'll check on you in 10,000 years."
When the devil comes back, he open the first day to find a huge fat man, covered in chocolate, and enjoying himself. He open the second door, and sees a bunch of pregnant women, and babies.
When the devil open the third door, the man jumps out, and grabs the devil by the collar. He screams:
"GOT A LIGHT?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k6blq/three_men_go_to_heaven_and_st_peter_says_they_are/
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A boy asks his Jewish father for 50 dollars...

The father looked at his son and asked, "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k6ady/a_boy_asks_his_jewish_father_for_50_dollars/
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What do you call Nic Cage when he's broke?

Nicolas (Nickle-less) Cage
stupidest thing I've ever come up with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k68om/what_do_you_call_nic_cage_when_hes_broke/
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One day Superman was really bored...

So he was flying around killing time. Suddenly he sees Wonder Woman spreadeagled naked on top of a tall building.
He has always fancied Wonder Woman so he thinks now's my chance as he swoops down and faster than a speeding bullet, does the business and then he flies off again.
A moment later Wonder Woman says "what on earth was that?"
Then the Invisible Man climbs off her and says "I don't know but my ass hurts a lot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k6529/one_day_superman_was_really_bored/
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What do you call a midget Mexican?

A little Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k5zjc/what_do_you_call_a_midget_mexican/
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The man with the 25 inch penis

A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my last hope!" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!!" But at 20 inches it was still too long, so he asked the frog again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k5xy4/the_man_with_the_25_inch_penis/
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You have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other. What are you?

Broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k5u0c/you_have_a_dime_in_one_hand_and_a_nickel_in_the/
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How many dead whores does it take to change a light bulb?

More than three, I still can't reach it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k5tki/how_many_dead_whores_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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There are six American flags on the Moon.

Five of them are still standing. Due to the strong UV radiation, they are all completely white by now.
So it looks like the French landed there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k5q9j/there_are_six_american_flags_on_the_moon/
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Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken.  The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k5omn/dating_in_your_30s_is_like_looking_for_a_parking/
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A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon are drinking together.

The Jew boasts about his fertility
"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"
"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"
The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the Mormon. "Well?"
"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k5nas/a_jew_a_catholic_and_a_mormon_are_drinking/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an Itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k5icd/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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How can you tell a mechanic just had sex?

Two of his fingers are clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k5esu/how_can_you_tell_a_mechanic_just_had_sex/
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Fishing

A local sheriff received an anonymous tip that there was a young man fishing at the pond without a license. He decides to check it out, and, arriving at the pond, he spots two teenagers fishing at the shore. As he is approaching the pair, one of them looks up, sees the sheriff, and takes off at a sprint. He gives chase, trailing him for about a quarter-mile, at which point the young man is out of breath.
The sheriff grabs him and says, panting, "Let me see your fishing license." The teenager pulls out his license and hands it to him. "Why'd you run away from me if you have a license? You weren't doing anything wrong," the policeman gasps, still exhausted.
Suddenly, a grin appears on the young man's face. "I have my license," he explained, "but my buddy back there doesnt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k5dd6/fishing/
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They told me i had type A blood.

But it was a type O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k5btp/they_told_me_i_had_type_a_blood/
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How often do i make jokes about chemistry?

Periodically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k595u/how_often_do_i_make_jokes_about_chemistry/
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Joke From My Niece

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Her: To get to the ugly guy's house.
Me:???
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: It's the chicken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k56lz/joke_from_my_niece/
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What do you call it when Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles play tennis?

Endless Love

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k55a9/what_do_you_call_it_when_stevie_wonder_and_ray/
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Knock knock? Who’s there? 9/11

Knock knock?
Who’s there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
You said you would never forget… :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k52j2/knock_knock_whos_there_911/
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What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend?

A Guantanamo Bae
Thought of this one earlier and just had to share

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k528x/what_do_you_call_a_terrorists_girlfriend/
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A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done.

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.  Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."  So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?  She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k4w2y/a_boss_said_to_his_secretary_i_want_to_have_sex/
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It's so rude when someone's phone goes off in class.

Some of us are trying to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k4tnt/its_so_rude_when_someones_phone_goes_off_in_class/
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I received an email from Google

It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k4r2u/i_received_an_email_from_google/
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You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving..

..You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k4ims/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving/
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Why did the chicken fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k4h3f/why_did_the_chicken_fall_in_the_well/
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A chicken walks into a library...

...and goes up to the circulation desk. "Bok!" he says. The clerk thought for a moment and then said, "Oh! You want a book!" So he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks out.
A few hours later the chicken comes back and says, "Bok bok!" The clerk thinks to himself that that was a little fast to read a book, but checks out two more for the chicken and the chicken walks out.
A third time the chicken comes in and wails, "Bok, bok, BOK!" Thoroughly confused, the clerk checks out three new books for the chicken but decides to follow him instead. The chicken walks into the woods, over a hill, and down to a pond, with the clerk following at a distance. The chicken walks to the water's edge and drops the books in front of a frog. The frog looks at the first book at says, "reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k4doe/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
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An austrian drunk is passing by a cemetery...

An Austrian drunk is passing by a cemetery, when he hears music, following the music, he finds its coming from a grave, frightened, he begins to run away and bumps into a policeman.
'Vere are you going at zis hour?' asks the policeman,
'Entschuldigung, I've been celebrating, I was walking past ze cemetery, when I heard music'
'Music? In ze cemetery?'
'Ja, but I'm drunk so might not be'
'Lets check it out.'
The cop hears the music too, and decides to go to the nearby church and fetch a priest.
The priest arrives and listens ' Ah! Zat is Herr Mozart's 5th symphony... but it is being played backvords, and zere, it is now the 4th, also being played backvords....'
The priest finally realizes ' Ah! Nothing to worry, it is just Herr Mozart decomposing'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k4a6e/an_austrian_drunk_is_passing_by_a_cemetery/
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A boat in the Atlantic ocean was starting to sink...

... The captain gathered everyone and said "OK everyone, it looks like we are going down, does anyone know how to pray?" One of the ships crew members sitting in the back raises his hand and Hays "yes captain I know how to pray." The captain responds "OK well you start praying and everyone else put a life jacket on, we're short one jacket."
Another joke from my 95 year old grandpa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k47y4/a_boat_in_the_atlantic_ocean_was_starting_to_sink/
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How did the underage mathematician get drunk?

He put his root beer in a square glass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k45w3/how_did_the_underage_mathematician_get_drunk/
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How many redditors does it take to screw in a new lightbulb?

Zero. Somebody already did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k3uh0/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_new/
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I had a joke about insanity

but then I lost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k3ub8/i_had_a_joke_about_insanity/
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An officer pulled me over for driving erratically, but it was because some bees had gotten into my car.

He must have thought I was buzzed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k3tbd/an_officer_pulled_me_over_for_driving_erratically/
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I got catcalled by the garbagemen outside my house this morning...

They know a good piece of trash when they see one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k3smw/i_got_catcalled_by_the_garbagemen_outside_my/
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So the bass clef said to the treble clef

Don't take that tone with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k3r01/so_the_bass_clef_said_to_the_treble_clef/
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Ten dollars is ten dollars.

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.
He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
edit--format

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k3qd7/ten_dollars_is_ten_dollars/
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My girlfriend treats me like a God

She takes little notice of my existence unless she wants something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k3pec/my_girlfriend_treats_me_like_a_god/
%
A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...

She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".
Joke provided by my ten year old son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k3non/a_kindergarten_teacher_asks_her_students_what/
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The blind pilots

Passengers of a 747 begin settling in for their scheduled takeoff when two men in pilot uniforms stumble into the plane, one with a seeing eye dog and the other with a walking stick.  The passengers think it's some sort of joke and think nothing of it, but the men carefully and methodically make their way to the cockpit.
The passengers look at each other a little uneasy but say nothing.  The plane starts down the runway ever-increasing in speed.  The passengers see the end of the runway approaching and start to mumble to themselves.  The plane doesn't pull up and the runaway end comes ever nearer.  A couple passengers release muffled screams and begin to panic, but the plane continues to the end of the runaway.  The passengers at this point begin a full-blown panic and scream loudly and right before they hit the trees at the end of the runway, the plane lifts off without a hitch just barely grazing the tops of the trees as it passes.
Inside the cockpit, the blind copilot turns to the other and says, "That was close.  You know one day they're not gonna scream and we're all gonna die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k3k9z/the_blind_pilots/
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So we were having a religious appreciation day in class today

The professor says "if you're Catholic please stand!"
a few people stand
The professor says "Baptist please stand"
Going to school in the south of course the majority stands
The professor says "If you're Jewish please stand."
And I yell, "We're not falling for that again!"
I know it's not too funny but I hope it made ya smile a bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k3g7y/so_we_were_having_a_religious_appreciation_day_in/
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Shot my first turkey today.

Scared everyone in the frozen meat department.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k3bln/shot_my_first_turkey_today/
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What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

I need some space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k3b4q/what_did_the_astronaut_say_to_his_girlfriend_when/
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In light of Germany's discovery of ISIS using mustard gas:

What do you call a soldier who's survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k3amc/in_light_of_germanys_discovery_of_isis_using/
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What is the biggest crime committed by transvestites?

Male fraud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k390z/what_is_the_biggest_crime_committed_by/
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BEFORE IT STARTS

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob." The man sighs and says, "It’s started…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k3783/before_it_starts/
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Whats the difference between a bdsm slavegirl, and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking if you slap it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k36ff/whats_the_difference_between_a_bdsm_slavegirl_and/
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I decided to put some ketchup in my eyes...

...but in Heinzsight, it wasn't a good idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k2w9c/i_decided_to_put_some_ketchup_in_my_eyes/
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You can tell the gender of an Ant by putting it in water

If it sinks: Girl Ant
If it floats: Boy ant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k2sr8/you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by_putting_it/
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What's the best thing about having insomnia?

Only one nights sleep til Christmas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k2mza/whats_the_best_thing_about_having_insomnia/
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Putin goes on holiday!

Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k2lzz/putin_goes_on_holiday/
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I accidentally bought a bicycle that has no seat

it's not a deal breaker but it's kind of a pain in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k2kuf/i_accidentally_bought_a_bicycle_that_has_no_seat/
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3 nuns are at the pearly gates...

St Peter greets them saying "Sisters of the faith! I have some bad news. Due to the current state of the world, there is a lineup to get into heaven. But since you devoted your lives to the Lord, I have a special surprise for you! You all get to go back to Earth until we can get you in past the gates! And the best part is, because you lived a life of sacrifice and poverty, we will let you return as any famous or rich person you want! Isn't that great?!"
He looks to the first nun, "Who would you like to be?"
"I want to be Madonna, in 1987. She could really dance!"
POOF! She is sent down below.
"And you?" St. Peter says, looking at the second nun.
"I want to be Oprah. She has a good heart, and more money than I can spend I'm sure!"
POOF! She's on her way.
"And you?" he says, looking at the final nun.
In her thick Italian accent, she struggles with the words, "Alberto Peepalini"
St Peter looks confused, and begins to search through his scrolls. Nowhere does he find this Alberto character. "Sister, are you sure you have the name right? I can't find a record of him..."
"Yes! I can prove it!" she says, handing a newspaper clipping to St Peter.
The headline reads: "Alberta Pipeline: laid by 800 men in 6 months!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k29cd/3_nuns_are_at_the_pearly_gates/
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How can you find the blind guy at a nudist colony?

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k28mc/how_can_you_find_the_blind_guy_at_a_nudist_colony/
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A nurse asked her patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor...

"In... in front of you?" he mumbles, shy.
The nurse says: "Don't worry, I've seen the naked human body before.
The man said "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body".
"Of course I won't laugh!" said the nurse to the patient "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient!"
"Okay then" said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life.
In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry" she said "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k27nu/a_nurse_asked_her_patient_to_remove_his_clothing/
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Buffalo Hunt

Two Native American scouts are hunting buffalo in the Great Planes.  One scout hops off of his horse and puts his face to the ground, closing his eyes in concentration.
"Buffalo come!", he exclaims as he lifts his head.
"Did you hear them?", asks the mounted scout.
"No," grunts the man, "face sticky."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k26oj/buffalo_hunt/
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I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k259l/i_was_having_sex_with_a_friends_wife_the_phone/
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Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

They can't defend their towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k20y7/why_are_americans_so_bad_at_league_of_legends/
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Which U.S. State has the smallest soft drinks?

Minnesota.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1zk6/which_us_state_has_the_smallest_soft_drinks/
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A man goes to the eye doctor....

The man says I think I'm getting nearsighted. So the doc sits him down and gives the man an eye exam.
The doctor pulls up a chart of letters, asking the man to read each line util he can't make out the letters. The man gets to about the 3rd line when he starts to have problems, and he can't read the next line at all.
Next, the doctor brings up pictures of real life objects.
First picture comes up--
"That looks like a fingerprint..  And that's someone far away in the desert"..
"Male or female?"
"I can't tell"
"OK, let's move along-- what about this one?"
"Um, that one looks like a naked butt Doc."
"Male or female?"
"Definitely female"
"And this?"
"Definitely a male butt"
"Ok sir, that concludes the test."
"So what's my diagnosis doc?"
"Well you're a little nearsighted, but your hindsight is 20/20".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1yd4/a_man_goes_to_the_eye_doctor/
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I want to make a BDSM joke

but I keep getting tied up on the punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1v71/i_want_to_make_a_bdsm_joke/
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If uncle Jack helps you off an elephant

...would you help your uncle Jack off an elephant?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1uoo/if_uncle_jack_helps_you_off_an_elephant/
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A JokeExplainBot walks into a bar...

The bartender says "Hey!  We don't serve robots in here."
The JokeExplainBot replies menacingly, "Oh, you will...  Someday, you will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1tvq/a_jokeexplainbot_walks_into_a_bar/
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Couple in a restaurant

Husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant…
As the food was served, Husband said:
“The Food looks delicious, let’s eat.”
Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That’s at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1to3/couple_in_a_restaurant/
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I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom...

...until they are flashing behind you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1rb1/i_find_it_ironic_that_the_colors_red_white_and/
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A son asks his dad

*"why do they say that gardeners have green thumbs, when their thumbs are not green?"*
The dad replies *"It's just a saying son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing, they say they have been caught 'red handed', even though their hands are actually black."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1nzp/a_son_asks_his_dad/
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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye,

I had to dump her because she kept seeing guys on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1nu1/i_used_to_date_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
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How many JokeExplainBots does it take to change a lightbulb?

**Lightbulbs** are easily threaded by one person, **usually** with one hand.  Doot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1mh3/how_many_jokeexplainbots_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What does the sign of an out of business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1lgi/what_does_the_sign_of_an_out_of_business_brothel/
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I hate all the political correctness in recent years.

I can't even say "black paint" anymore, I have to say "hey Jamal, would you please go paint that fence over there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1kq4/i_hate_all_the_political_correctness_in_recent/
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My dog recently stole my loafers.

Now they're his new favorite pair of **chews.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1gcf/my_dog_recently_stole_my_loafers/
%
Jesus take the wheel

Carlos take the stereo, Manuel be on the lookout...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1f71/jesus_take_the_wheel/
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What's better than getting a gold medal at the paralympics?

Having legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1aiv/whats_better_than_getting_a_gold_medal_at_the/
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What do you call a grammatical rendezvous?

accommadate
I hate me for this..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1afn/what_do_you_call_a_grammatical_rendezvous/
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I like my girlfriends the same as I like my scotch...

14 years old and on coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k1ac6/i_like_my_girlfriends_the_same_as_i_like_my_scotch/
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Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly...

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k15ub/paddy_died_in_a_fire_and_was_burnt_pretty_badly/
%
Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky stopped smoking cigars?

Now she's just bummimg cigarettes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k12zw/did_you_hear_that_monica_lewinsky_stopped_smoking/
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A man asked me if I could figure out how to operate a camera...

I told him I'd look into it and give it my best shot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k11xu/a_man_asked_me_if_i_could_figure_out_how_to/
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Before and After Marriage

Before Marriage:
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0wl1/before_and_after_marriage/
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A giraffe walks into a bar...

The giraffe trips and falls over, the bartender says, "what's that lyin over there." And someone replies, "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0ur4/a_giraffe_walks_into_a_bar/
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes a long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0ue9/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
[NSFW] Why do hipsters like anal sex?

Because it's indie ass!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0tyo/nsfw_why_do_hipsters_like_anal_sex/
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Just found out I've been using my Britta pitcher wrong for the last 2 months

#nofilter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0s1g/just_found_out_ive_been_using_my_britta_pitcher/
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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing... they're both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0ovo/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
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Why was John Lennon shocked when he got his wife's gynecologist bill?

He had misunderstood the doctor when he said "I do probe Ono."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0okb/why_was_john_lennon_shocked_when_he_got_his_wifes/
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What is a terrorist's favorite wine?

White Infidel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0nn1/what_is_a_terrorists_favorite_wine/
%
what comes after the bar?

f.
as in barf
because drinking can make people barf
..
f could also mean fuck
because drinking can make people fuck
that is all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0mox/what_comes_after_the_bar/
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My drug dealer is hilarious...

he cracks me up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0mc0/my_drug_dealer_is_hilarious/
%
Why do refugees in Germany smell like shit?

Because they're too scared to go in the showers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0jbz/why_do_refugees_in_germany_smell_like_shit/
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My wife is a computer geek and wants to name our son "one eighth of a byte"

So I said "Really honey? Don't you think that's a bit...?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0iwb/my_wife_is_a_computer_geek_and_wants_to_name_our/
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What's the difference between a toilet and a sink?

... Aaaand you're not allowed in my house anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0g0z/whats_the_difference_between_a_toilet_and_a_sink/
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Why did the twitter army lose all their battles?

Because they kept retweeting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0dkr/why_did_the_twitter_army_lose_all_their_battles/
%
What did Jared Fogle say when his wife told him she wanted kids?

*Me too*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k0359/what_did_jared_fogle_say_when_his_wife_told_him/
%
What do you call a fat North Korean?

Supreme Leader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k00zl/what_do_you_call_a_fat_north_korean/
%
Sardarjee finds a monkey on the street

and being a good citizen, promptly takes it to the police station to report it. The officer on Duty tells Sardarjee to take the monkey to the zoo...
The next day, officer spots Sardarjee with the same monkey on a bus stop.
Officer: Didn't you take the monkey to the zoo?
Sardar: Yes, I did, we had a lot of fun. Even had icecream. Today I am taking him to the cinema

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jzyhm/sardarjee_finds_a_monkey_on_the_street/
%
An artist gets some good and bad news.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have some good news and some bad news," the owner replied. The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death." "When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy is your doctor !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jzxq9/an_artist_gets_some_good_and_bad_news/
%
Pathan sends his neighbour, Santa Singh an SMS

A Pathan sends a text to his next-door neighbor who happens to be Santa Singh
"Salam Mr Singh, Sorry yaar. I am ashamed and I have to tell you somethng. Hope you will forgive me: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at my house. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Santa grabs his double barrel, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later Santa gets a second text: "O Maafi (sorry)! Typo.. That should be "wifi"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jzwch/pathan_sends_his_neighbour_santa_singh_an_sms/
%
A friend and I were playing chess, and we wanted to make things interesting.

So we stopped playing chess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jzu0p/a_friend_and_i_were_playing_chess_and_we_wanted/
%
I threw out a sheep, a drum and a snake from an airplane

Ba-dum-tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jzreq/i_threw_out_a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_from_an/
%
How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows. But everyone's got an opinion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jzqn7/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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[NSFW] What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jzmxk/nsfw_what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the/
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I don't know why they have flavored condoms

It's not like my asshole has taste buds.
My brother told me this, sorry if it's a repost.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jzm7r/i_dont_know_why_they_have_flavored_condoms/
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What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer?

Depends what you smoke.
(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jzlda/whats_easier_to_get_aids_or_lung_cancer/
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Why did Aristotle hate French fries?

They were fried in ancient grease!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jzkbq/why_did_aristotle_hate_french_fries/
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What's the most popular search engine in Israel?

They surf the Net On Yahoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jzhkh/whats_the_most_popular_search_engine_in_israel/
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Why are there no transvestites in space?

Because there is zero drag.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
^^I ^^literally ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^2 ^^hours ^^ago.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Q: Why are there no drag queens in space?
A: Because there is very little drag and whatever drag there is in LEO is caused by miniscule amounts of athmospheric gasses and tidal forces! HAHAHAHAHAH!
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
^^I ^^figuratively ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^while ^^banging ^^my ^^head ^^aginst ^^a ^^wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jzh41/why_are_there_no_transvestites_in_space/
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I told a girl to text me when she got home...

She must be homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jzdio/i_told_a_girl_to_text_me_when_she_got_home/
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What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question and a joke?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jz8ub/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_rhetorical/
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The Lion, the Witch and a fabulous fashion sense

What did the Lion say to the Witch when she caught him coming out of the wardrobe?
"My sexual preference is Narnia business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jz7m9/the_lion_the_witch_and_a_fabulous_fashion_sense/
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All this 'Frozen' merchandise is just getting ridiculous.

I was at the supermarket earlier and they've now got a whole bloody aisle just for Frozen stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jz7j2/all_this_frozen_merchandise_is_just_getting/
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Why did the guitar player get arrested

He was fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jz6m7/why_did_the_guitar_player_get_arrested/
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What comes after 69?

Mouthwash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jz66s/what_comes_after_69/
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Lost Wallet

I thought my dad would be angry when I told him I had lost my wallet, but he told me not to worry, that it was in my genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jz570/lost_wallet/
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I thought about making a sex tape the other day...

...until I realized it would just be a Vine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jyz49/i_thought_about_making_a_sex_tape_the_other_day/
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces...

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks
"Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says
"Here, iron this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jyygw/as_an_airplane_is_about_to_crash_a_female/
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An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jyvrp/an_old_lady_went_to_visit_her_dentist/
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Kit Kat

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, fatty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jys2m/kit_kat/
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How did the blonde burn her ear?

The telephone rang while she was ironing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jys0a/how_did_the_blonde_burn_her_ear/
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David Cameron

Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jypik/david_cameron/
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How did I escape Iraq?

Iran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jyoua/how_did_i_escape_iraq/
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

Dont worry , he's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jyo0o/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whose_whole_left_side/
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How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”
The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jyjfr/how_can_you_tell_if_she_is_virgin_or_not/
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[NSFW]After a round of golf...

a guy heads back to the club house. There, he sees a beautiful, blonde, big breasted woman, and naturally, he heads over to flirt with her. They hit it off, and decide to play a round together.
He is doing his best to impress, but she cleans his clock, winning by 9 strokes. Embarrassed, his manhood in question, she can tell he is hurt. But, she thinks he's sexy, so she suggests they go to the parking lot for a good ol' hummer in the backseat of his car. Needless to say, he enjoys himself and asks her to play golf tomorrow!
She accepts, and every day that week, they play, she wins by a large amount, and afterwords he gets a BJ in his car. Though quite happy with the way things are going, he decides that he wants to seal the deal, and he invites her to his place for a romantic Saturday night dinner.
She shows up dressed to the 9s, the candles are lit, the steak is ready. They sit down to eat and a moment before his first bite she abruptly drops her silverware and exclaims, "I can't do this anymore! I have to tell you something!"
Trying to comfort her, he says "Of course, you can tell me anything! I'm sure it will be ok!" To which she replies, "I'm actually a MAN!"
His anger burns hotter than the sun, and he screams back, "God damn you! You've been hitting off the women's tee all week!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jyhsg/nsfwafter_a_round_of_golf/
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First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them
“Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code”
So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted
“NESCAFE”
and the next week the 2nd daughter text
“WILLS”
the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label
“fantastic till the last drop”
went to her husband’s pack of WILLS cigarette and read
“Extra long, king size”
she smiled and said “not bad for their ages”.
After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted
“Indigo Delhi Hyderabad”,
the mother then called Indigo airways helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied
“it’s 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 75mins”.
Mother fainted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jyet8/first_experience_after_marriage/
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Parrot with no legs

A man suspected that his wife was cheating on him, but he could not find time to prove it since they worked opposite shifts. He soon came up with the idea to get a talking Parrot and hide it in the closet of the bedroom while he was gone.
He went to the local pet store and the clerk said "we only have one Parrot that can talk real good, but he is sort of handicapped." The husband asked, "what's wrong with him?" The clerk then told the man that the bird was born with no legs, so he holds himself up on the Perch by wrapping his long dick around it. The man agreed to buy the Parrot anyway.
Once the man arrived home, he put the Parrot in the bedroom closet and instructed the Parrot on what to do. Leaving the closet door partially open for the Parrot to see the bedroom, the man then left for work.
Arriving home the next morning the man noticed his wife had already left for work. He quickely went inside and began asking the Parrot, "what have you seen?" The Parrot replied "You are right, your wife is cheating on you!" "Go on", said the man. "About a half an hour after you left, your wife came into the bedroom with another man! " said the Parrot. "Go on", said the man. "Then they took off all of their clothes and got onto the bed!" "Go on,"said the man. "Then that guy started kissing your wife and sucking on her tits!" said the Parrot. "Then what happend?", asked the man. "Then that guy put his head between her legs and started licking her puss!", said the Parrot. "Then what?" ,asked the man. "I dont know", said the Parrot, "my dick got hard and I fell off the Perch!"
Couldn't find this anywhere after a brief scan - apologies if it's been posted before. Heard this as a young'un and it always tickled me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jydz3/parrot_with_no_legs/
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2 elderly couples meet up one afternoon

The 2 husbands are chatting about what they've been up to recently.
"We went to the most fantastic restaurant the other night" says the first.
"Which place was that?" asks his friend.
The first guy is really struggling to remember the name, and says "Man, it's on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't remember.. What's the name of that flower, the one with sharp thorns on it, which is sometimes red or white, and has a nice smell?"
"Rose?" Suggests the second.
"Thats the one!!" shouts the first, and then turns to his wife.
"Rose!, what was the name of that restaurant we ate at the other night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jyavg/2_elderly_couples_meet_up_one_afternoon/
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Students of Pathology NSFW

A professor in pathology is teaching his students what's important to become a good pathologist. In front of the group is a table with on it a dead body.
"First of all," the professor says, "It's important that you do not find anything disgusting."
To illustrate his point, the professors inserts his finger into the dead person's anus and subsequently puts his finger into his mouth. He then tells his students to do the same. Naturally there is some protest, but after a while all the students follow their teacher's example.
When all the students have done this, the professor continues his lesson: "Good. You have all proven that you do not find anything disgusting. Now for the second very important trait for a pathologist: eye to detail.
Did anyone of you notice for example that I put my index finger into the dead person's anus, while it was my ring finger that I licked?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jyacz/students_of_pathology_nsfw/
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Are my testicles black?

A man is in an accident and is placed on an oxygen mask to assist his breathing.
His nurse checks on him and asks if there is anything he needs?
He say yes, could you check if my testicles are black?
She thinks, that is an odd request but decides to check for him as he looks very nervous.
She looks at his testicles, flips them left and right and even rolls them in her hand to get a good look.
After a few seconds she puts the sheet back down and notices the man smiling.  She says to him,"no sir your testicles are fine. Why are you smiling?"
He simply points at the mask, which she removes and he replies,"i just wanted to thank you for that experience, it was wonderful.   But, are my test results back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jy95b/are_my_testicles_black/
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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden...

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”
The Englishman replies with, “Clearly they’re English. Observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit.”
The Russian then notes, “They are Russian of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jy8su/a_frenchman_an_englishman_and_a_russian_are/
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How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass?

Satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jy5ag/how_did_the_farmer_find_the_sheep_in_the_tall/
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2 nuns were returning to the monastery after a night of drinking and partying in the town.

While they were crawling under the fence one nun turned to the other and said, "I feel like a Marine!" The other nun replied, "Yeah, I do too. But where are we going to find one at this time of night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jy4fz/2_nuns_were_returning_to_the_monastery_after_a/
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How many black people does it take to start a riot?

-1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jy3e3/how_many_black_people_does_it_take_to_start_a_riot/
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Whats the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my chest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jxyet/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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Girls are like blackjack.

I’m trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jxxz5/girls_are_like_blackjack/
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A Scotsman stumbles out of a bar...

...completely wasted.  He was having trouble keeping his balance and knew he wouldn't make it walking home, so he found a nearby tree and propped himself up against it and proceeded to sleep it off.  A few minutes later, a couple of young lasses happen by.  They stop, and one looks at the other and says, "Oh now, Mary, would you look at that?"
"What is it, June?"
"I've always wondered what was underneath a Scotsman's kilt!"
"Well have a look!"
So June bends over, lifts up the Scotsman's kilt and sees his penis there all in it's naked glory, and is pleasantly surprised.  "Oh my, Mary," she exclaims.  "Would you look at that!  It's beautiful!"
"Aye," says Mary.  "You should leave him a present!"
So June thinks for a moment and gets an idea.  She takes the blue ribbon from her hair, ties it into a little bow around the Scotsman's penis, pulls the kilt down, and then she and Mary leave.
A few hours later, the Scotsman wakes up from his drunken slumber and has to take a piss.  So he goes around behind the tree, lifts up his kilt, and then he sees the blue ribbon.  Completely confused, he scratches his head for a moment and then exclaims, "WELL, LADDEH!!  I DON' KNOW WHAR YA BE'N, BUT I'M GLAHD YA TOOK FARST PLACE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jxw3m/a_scotsman_stumbles_out_of_a_bar/
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A wife tells her husband that she can make him "happy and sad" at the same time.

The husband is baffled, "Wha what? how is that even possible?"
The wife replies "Well. you have the biggest dick of all your friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jxuhd/a_wife_tells_her_husband_that_she_can_make_him/
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An Irish man walks out of a bar

hahaha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jxu9g/an_irish_man_walks_out_of_a_bar/
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Three men have to share a bed

They're on a ski trip together, and due to a clerical error there is only one room left in the lodge. There is only one large bed, and there are no cots.
So the three pile in and try to keep their distance.
The next morning they wake up, and the man sleeping on the left edge of the bed says:
"I had the best sleep! I dreamed that a beautiful Scandinavian goddess was making love to me, her lips were like pillows!"
The man sleeping at the right edge of the bed says "So did I! I dreamed I was fucking a blonde bombshell!"
He turns to the man in the middle and asks "What did you dream about?"
He replies:
"Skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jxnf9/three_men_have_to_share_a_bed/
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A young man's Grandfather dies.

He asks his Grandmother how he died.
She said " Well every Sunday We would make love to the sound of the church bells, they were slow enough for us."
The young man asked "But how did he die then?"
She replied " He would still be alive if it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jxmqj/a_young_mans_grandfather_dies/
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Two guys walk into a dinner

They sit down and the waitress takes their order.
"Two cheese burgers and fries."
They watch as she walks to the kitchen window and gives the cook the order slip. The cook reads it and turns to the cooler and grabs a hand full of ground beef. He sticks it in his arm pit and brings his arm down smashing it flat, then tosses it on the grill. They watch again in disbelief as he grabs another hand full of ground beef and again sticks it in his arm pit and smashes it flat with his big sweaty arm, then drops in down beside the other one.
They call the waitress over and ask her what the hell is he doing preparing food like that and she replies, "Oh that's nothing you should be here when he pokes the poles in the doughnuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jxmqf/two_guys_walk_into_a_dinner/
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Why should you never take a pig out on a date?

She might squeal on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jxkjn/why_should_you_never_take_a_pig_out_on_a_date/
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Two Jews walk by a Christian church. . .

There is a sign on the door that says, "convert to Christianity and receive $100". One of them speaks up and says, "I'm going in." His friend says "you're really going to change religions for $100?"
"A $100 is a $100, I'm doing it!" And he walks inside.
A few minutes later he walks back out and his friend says, "Well? Did you get the money?"
He replies, "Oh, that's all you people think about isn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jxka4/two_jews_walk_by_a_christian_church/
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jxibi/whats_brown_and_sticky/
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What's the difference between an oyster fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea?

The oyster fisherman shucks between fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jxece/whats_the_difference_between_an_oyster_fisherman/
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I went to the pub the other night

.  There were three rather hefty ladies having a rowdy good time.  Their accent appeared to be Scottish so I approached and asked, "Hello ladies, are you three lassies from Scotland?"  One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!"  So I apologized and replied, "I'm terribly sorry.  Are you three whales from Scotland?"
PS: Probably an oldie but I just heard it recently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jxdh8/i_went_to_the_pub_the_other_night/
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Apparently Trump wants to outlaw pre-shredded cheese...

...he keeps going on and on about how he wants to make America grate again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jxc02/apparently_trump_wants_to_outlaw_preshredded/
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My wife wants to have the baby listen to classical music while in the womb.

Would an ipod nano or shuffle be easier to get up there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jx5cl/my_wife_wants_to_have_the_baby_listen_to/
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Salesman

A sales company has particular trouble selling bibles. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, "l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." lnititally, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but decided to try him out.
After three weeks, the manager is looking at the charts and realizes that the newest guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office. "You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"
"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a  b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w-would y-y-you l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jx3vz/salesman/
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Your mother has the prettiest teeth I ever came across.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jx352/your_mother_has_the_prettiest_teeth_i_ever_came/
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Brotherly Love

A new Irish pub opens in downtown New York. On the first day, an Irishman walks in and orders three pints of Guinness.
He takes a sip from the first one, then a sip from the second and finally a sip from the third. He does this in turn until all pints are empty. This goes on every day for a few weeks, and since the barkeeper has never seen anything like this, he asks about this peculiar drinking habit one day:
“See”, the Irishman says, “I used to go for a pint together with my two brothers. But Paddy, my older brother, moved back home to Kerry and my younger brother, Sean, moved to Boston. So, now that it’s just me, I order a pint for each of them as well. We agreed as long we’re all still drawing breath, we’ll raise a glass together, just like we used to. Sláinte!”
Thinking this is a lovely tradition, the barman continues to serve his patron three pints and watches him drink them sip by sip every evening for the next few months. One day, however, the man comes in and orders *just two pints*. He takes turns drinking them as usual and goes home. This goes on for a few days, before the barkeeper works up the courage to talk to him:
“You told me about your tradition, that as long as the three of you were still alive, you’d continue drinking together. I am so sorry to hear about your brother passing. Drinks are on the house today.”
To which the Irishman responds.
“Cheers, but both my brothers are doing fine. It’s just my doctor has prescribed me a new type of medicine and told me that *I* need to stop drinking.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jx1lt/brotherly_love/
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A man who thinks his wife might be cheating on him hires a hit-man..

...The hit-man says it will cost $5000. The man says that's fine but he wants to watch. The hit-man agrees so they find a spot on a nearby roof and wait for the wife to get home.
Eventually the wife comes home and she's with a guy.
The husband is furious but still not sure if she is cheating yet so they wait some more.
Eventually the hit-man pulls out his binoculars and after about 30 seconds he says "oh ya she's cheating on you. What do you want me to do?".
The irate husband says "Put a bullet in her head and while you're at it put a bullet in the guys dick as well".
The hitman replies "Ok, but that's going to cost you another $5000. The good news is I'm only going to need one bullet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jx0je/a_man_who_thinks_his_wife_might_be_cheating_on/
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My wife asked if I was coming to our daughter's dance recital...

I was, but I paused the video, pulled up my pants, and denied it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jwsrq/my_wife_asked_if_i_was_coming_to_our_daughters/
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A guy walks into a pub...

...And sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jwlxm/a_guy_walks_into_a_pub/
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What's worse than lobsters on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.  (still my favorite joke from grade school)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jwl75/whats_worse_than_lobsters_on_your_piano/
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What’s the difference between a fish and a mountain goat?

Fish muck about in fountains…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jwl65/whats_the_difference_between_a_fish_and_a/
%
Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

because they can't C#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jwjrl/why_do_java_programmers_wear_glasses/
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If I got a dollar everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

I'd have enough money to buy a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jwji7/if_i_got_a_dollar_everytime_someone_over_40_told/
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Jack off...

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.
They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that they should lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.
In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water.
One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.
Manager: "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..."
Jane:"Well, jack-off. I've got a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jwism/jack_off/
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My thesaurus is awful.

Not only that, it's also awful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jwhtr/my_thesaurus_is_awful/
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An unassuming man takes a seat at a stool in a bar...

...The bartender walks up to him and asks what he'd like to drink. The man says he'd like a $25 martini. Before the bartender leaves the man stops him
"I bet you $50 that I remove my left eye and hold it in my hand."
The bartender agrees, and the man takes out his glass left eye and holds it in his hand.
"Let's do another," says the man. "I bet you $250 that I can touch my right eye to my teeth."
Once again, the bartender agrees, and so the man takes out his dentures and touches them to his right eye. The bartender is in disbelief.
"Last one," the man says. He walks across the bar, takes an empty glass from one of the tables, and puts it on the floor. He then walks back to the bartender. "I bet you $10,000 that I can pee into that glass from here and make it without spilling a drop." Well of course the bartender agrees. This man must surely be stupid for making a bet like that, he thinks.
The man unbuttons his trousers, grasps his penis in his hands and begins to pee. Immediately, he starts to flail around wildly, still going strong. Pee flies everywhere! It hits the bartender full force.
"Well, give me my thousand bucks," says the bartender, now giddy from happiness even though he was dripping in piss. He won $10,000 after all. So the man does without a bit of discontent. The bartender asks him why he isn't unhappy.
"I'm a professional better," answers the man. "You see that Chinese man over there? I bet him $1,000,000 that I'd pee on you and you'd be happy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jwe7v/an_unassuming_man_takes_a_seat_at_a_stool_in_a_bar/
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Hey guys, I invented a new word!

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jwcd4/hey_guys_i_invented_a_new_word/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jwak2/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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That thought though..

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jwafu/that_thought_though/
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How many american rugby fans does it take to change a lightbulb

Both of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jw9oc/how_many_american_rugby_fans_does_it_take_to/
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Why is the ocean salty?

Because the land doesn't wave back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jw94y/why_is_the_ocean_salty/
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[NSFW] I asked my roommate if she would suck my cock after I cleaned it...

The dirty cocksucker said no!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jw8oz/nsfw_i_asked_my_roommate_if_she_would_suck_my/
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*RING* "Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Another brief pause... "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked.
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. She tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he may be dead!"
There was a long pause, then Daddy says,
"Wait, swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jw6n7/ring_hello_hi_honey_this_is_daddy_is_mommy_near/
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Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jw0w8/late_one_night_a_man_is_driving_down_the_road/
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A pig with wings walks into a bar. Stunned, the bartender says

"You can't bring food in here from another restaurant! Even if you are a cop!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jvy87/a_pig_with_wings_walks_into_a_bar_stunned_the/
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Three professors go to the nudist beach

They start reading their newspapers, when suddenly Miss Ridgewell approaches them from the Chemistry Department. The alarmed professors react immediately. Two of them hide their manhood with their newspapers, the third, however, hides his face. They politely salute the lady, who simply passes by to join her friends.
When she's far gone, one of them asks the third professor, "Why did you hide your face?"
To which the third professor replies, "I don't know about you guys, but people usually recognise my face..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jvuly/three_professors_go_to_the_nudist_beach/
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Two fish in a tank

Fish 1: uh, Greg?
Fish 2: what
Fish 1: how do we drive this thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jvu4l/two_fish_in_a_tank/
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Jesus take the wheel

Carlos you take the stereo
I'll take lookout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jvtmw/jesus_take_the_wheel/
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A doctor on his morning walk noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar

So he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. '"Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
'"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jvsv2/a_doctor_on_his_morning_walk_noticed_an_old_lady/
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A man taking on a late night walk when he hears a strange sound coming from an old mental hospital down the road.

As he approaches he realizes he's hearing chanting. He approaches the building and hears "sixty-seven! Sixty-seven! Sixty-seven!" He gets closer to investigate but the fence is too high to see over, though he does spot a small hole in the wood. He leans over to peep in and as soon as he does a finger pokes him in the eye, and he hears the man on the other end shout "sixty-eight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jviym/a_man_taking_on_a_late_night_walk_when_he_hears_a/
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How come Mr. and Mrs. Claus don't have any kids?

Because Santa only cums once a year and its down the chimney!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jvis7/how_come_mr_and_mrs_claus_dont_have_any_kids/
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Why can't your penis be 12 inches?

Because then it'd be a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jvgej/why_cant_your_penis_be_12_inches/
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How does a train driver operate a train while eating gum?

He goes chew chew chew...
creds to my 5yo brother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jvf4d/how_does_a_train_driver_operate_a_train_while/
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A Jewish boy asks his Father...

A Jewish boy asks his Father, "Dad, can i have 50 pence please?
His Father replies, "40 pence! What do you want 30 pence for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jvcpy/a_jewish_boy_asks_his_father/
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How do you find will smith in a snow storm?

Follow the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jvbfa/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_a_snow_storm/
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A woman brings her elderly husband to the doctor for his annual check-up.

After the examination, the doctor pulls the woman aside.
"Your husband is in good physical shape," he says, "But I'm concerned about his mental health.  He told me that when he gets up to go to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him."
"Oh, damn!" the wife replies, "He's pissing in the refrigerator again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jvbam/a_woman_brings_her_elderly_husband_to_the_doctor/
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My roommate just called my clothes gay..

Have a little respect man! They just came out of the closet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jv8t9/my_roommate_just_called_my_clothes_gay/
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A family walks into a hotel...

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies "it's just regular porn, you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jv4kp/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel/
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I could tell you that sodium hydroxide is a liquid out of solution.

But then that would be a lye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jv3lp/i_could_tell_you_that_sodium_hydroxide_is_a/
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My dentist took a look in my mouth and said, "Your gums look awful. I told you to floss religiously."

I do, I said, I floss on Christmas and Easter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jv3ah/my_dentist_took_a_look_in_my_mouth_and_said_your/
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Man arrives home at 7 a.m, with a heavy stench of whisky.

Wife: You bastard! I hope you have a damn good reason for coming home at 7 in the morning.
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Do tell!
Husband: Breakfast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3juztf/man_arrives_home_at_7_am_with_a_heavy_stench_of/
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Two midgets decide to get hookers...

They went to a motel with their ladies and get two rooms.  The first midget is really embarrassed because he cannot get an erection.  His confidence was hurt even more when he heard his friend in the room saying "1, 2, 3, push!" Over and over again.
The next morning he was talking to his friend over breakfast. He said "That was the most embarrassing thing ever.  I couldn't get a hard on"
His friend responds "You think that is embarrassing, I couldn't get on the bed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jux9s/two_midgets_decide_to_get_hookers/
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3juwi7/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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What do you call a well-endowed member of Hitler's master race?

Hungaryan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3juwah/what_do_you_call_a_wellendowed_member_of_hitlers/
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Did you hear about the constipated chancellor?

He couldn't budge it :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3juvj0/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_chancellor/
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The kindness of strangers

An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.
Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?
Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.
Driver : Then why do you buy them ?
Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3juvhy/the_kindness_of_strangers/
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My poem

I dig...
You dig...
We dig...
He digs...
She digs...
They dig...
Now it's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3juv9a/my_poem/
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Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jurni/which_is_worse_ignorance_or_apathy/
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I was going to tell a Nirvana joke, but...

Nevermind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jun43/i_was_going_to_tell_a_nirvana_joke_but/
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Marines

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jumpi/marines/
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[Long Winded] So the local church bell ringer dies.

There is a small village in rural England, which has a church. In the church lives a priest and the bell ringer. One morning the priest doesn't hear the morning bell ring so he goes to the bell ringers room to check on him. When he enters the room he sees the bell ringer dead in his bed.
The priest, although he is upset, makes some flyers about new bell ringer auditions and sticks them to every lamp-post in the village. The next day there is a huge line of people queuing outside the Church. The priest, surprised by the amount of people, eagerly welcomes them in one by one to see who is the best ringer. Around 200 people try out and the line slowly gets shorter and shorter until everyone has tried to impress the priest with their bell ringing.
Although there were some brilliant ringers that day non of them were up to the standards of the old bell ringer. The priest slumped in his chair, disappointed with the days outcome when suddenly he hears a bang on the door. He opens the door and doesn't see anyone..
"Down here!" A man shouts. The priest looks down and before him stood a man with no arms or legs. "I hope I'm not late for the bell ringing try outs" the man said.
"err... no you're not, come this way" the priest said unsurely. He carried the man up to the bell tower and placed him in front of the bell and the rope to ring it. The man starred at he bell for a while until he began to hit his head on it.. hard.. again.. and again. The priest was in complete awe at his amazing skills.
The man carried on.. hitting his head on the bell harder and harder, fastest and faster. Blood begins to appear.. trickling down his face but he keeps on going... eventually he falls to the ground. The priest kneels down to inspect him... he is unconscious.
The priest immediately runs into the village to go and get help. "Help! Somebody help!" he shouted. He gathered a small crowd of people and took them to church. They all gathered around the unconscious man. Upon closer inspection they realise he was dead.. the priest begins to cry.. "He was brilliant.. the best I have ever heard.... I didn't even know his name! Who was this man!?"
The crowd look at each other until one man stood out and said:
"I don't know his name.. but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jujc3/long_winded_so_the_local_church_bell_ringer_dies/
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Someone stole my coffee.

He was charged with mugging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3juhel/someone_stole_my_coffee/
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The other day, a clown held the door open for me.

It was a nice jester.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jugqn/the_other_day_a_clown_held_the_door_open_for_me/
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100m Dash

A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash"
Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?"
"No, with 8 black men and a gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jufre/100m_dash/
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I saw a weird competition yesterday - The first person to successfully have intercourse with them self wins.

So I entered myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jufd1/i_saw_a_weird_competition_yesterday_the_first/
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Pet Diaries:

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:
* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3judo7/pet_diaries/
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I have two friends who always compete against each other in art competitions

But they always end in a draw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jubh5/i_have_two_friends_who_always_compete_against/
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What's the worst last words your EX-GF can say to you?

"I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ju49r/whats_the_worst_last_words_your_exgf_can_say_to/
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What is empty and spins round and round?

A Malaysian Airlines baggage claim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ju2qx/what_is_empty_and_spins_round_and_round/
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What do you call 75 year old John Cena?

John Cenile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ju123/what_do_you_call_75_year_old_john_cena/
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There are two types of people in the world...

...those who pee in the shower, and liars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jtzgi/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day...

...and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?”  The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jtzfg/a_black_jewish_boy_runs_home_from_school_one_day/
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A Christian, a Buddhist, an atheist, and an agnostic are on a plane

All of a sudden, the plane is about to crash, and so the passengers need to jump off due to the lack of parachutes.
The Christian jumps off first and says, "God will save me!" and God saves him.
The Buddhist then jumps off and says, "Buddha will save me!" and Buddha saves him.
Now because the atheist didn't believe in any higher being, he says, "Nobody will save me!" So nobody saves him and he dies.
The agnostic then says to himself, "Wow, what an idiot." So he decides to become Buddhist temporarily, as he did not reject the idea of a God as an agnostic. He jumps off and says, "Buddha will save me!" and Buddha saves him in midair.
Then he said, "Thank God that worked." Buddha then drops him and he dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jtyt8/a_christian_a_buddhist_an_atheist_and_an_agnostic/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean...?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jttjo/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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I exercise religiously

I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jtsz9/i_exercise_religiously/
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What's the difference between a mechanical and a civil engineer?

One builds weapons and the other build targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jtsmr/whats_the_difference_between_a_mechanical_and_a/
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Little Johnny Is In His Bedroom When His Mother Walks In

She says to him, "Little Johnny, we're going to the neighbor's house tonight for dinner to celebrate the birth of their new baby."
"Okay, mommy," he replies.
"Now listen carefully: the baby was born without ears. I don't want you making ear jokes or hearing jokes or anything of the sort. If you do, you'll be grounded for a month!"
"Okay, mommy," Little Johnny says.
They go to the neighbor's house and have a lovely 3-course meal. After dessert is cleared away, they all go into the nursery to see the baby, sleeping soundly in his bassinet.
Little Johnny is peeking up over the side in obvious fascination. The baby's mother smiles down at Johnny and says, "What do you think of the baby, Johnny?"
"Oh, ma'am, that is a beautiful baby! He has such beautiful hands and beautiful feet and beautiful eyes. Does he see okay?"
"He sure does," she says with a bright smile, "The doctor says he's be blessed with perfect 20/20 vision."
"That's good because if he needed glasses, he'd be fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jtqjt/little_johnny_is_in_his_bedroom_when_his_mother/
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Did you hear about the guy who ate his trousers?

He pooped his pants!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jto4t/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_ate_his_trousers/
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Two sperms are talking with each other...

"Hey man, how long till we get the ovaries?"
"Long way still, we just passed the throat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jtmmg/two_sperms_are_talking_with_each_other/
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What do you call it when Bob Dylan sucks your dick in a hurricane?

The answer my friend... is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jtln9/what_do_you_call_it_when_bob_dylan_sucks_your/
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A Scotsman is sitting in a pub...

somewhere in Scotland when an American tourist walks up to the bar. The Scotsman turns to the American, clearly drunk, and points out the window.
"Ye see that wall, right there?" The Scotsman said in a heavy accent. "Built that with me bare hands. But do they call me "McGregor the Wall Builder... No..."
After another round of drinks, the Scotsman turns to the American, pointing out the window again.
"Ye see that dock there? Down by the lake?" The Scotsman said. "Built that with me bare hands. But do they call me 'McGregor the Dock Builder... No..."
After another round of drinks, the Scotsman turns to the American again.
"Ye fuck one sheep..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jtil3/a_scotsman_is_sitting_in_a_pub/
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What does the sign at a nudist Buddhist beach say?

No [Bhikkhunis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhikkhuni) allowed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jti7h/what_does_the_sign_at_a_nudist_buddhist_beach_say/
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A mild OCD Joke

This is the joke
This is the joke
This is the joke
This is the joke
This is the joek
This is the joke
This is the joke.
This is the joke
This is the joke
This is the joke
This is the joke
This is the joke
This is the joke
This is the joke
This is the joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jti3p/a_mild_ocd_joke/
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What's it called when Jesus walks across the street?

A cross walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jthhr/whats_it_called_when_jesus_walks_across_the_street/
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jt9fo/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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God will save me

Heard this a while back at summer camp or something of the like. Haven't seen it on here yet.
A man is drowning in a lake. A boat drives up and the captain asks him, "hey buddy, need any help?"
The man responds, "No, God will save me."
The captain reluctantly goes about his way and a little later a speedboat drives up to the drowning man. "Hey buddy, can I help you?"
"No, god will save me."
The man drowns and up in heaven he goes up to God and says, "Hey, why didn't you save me?"
God simply replies, "I sent you two boats, dumbass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jt8fh/god_will_save_me/
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What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jt889/whats_the_difference_between_chopped_beef_and_pea/
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Can you be electrocuted by a news story?

The answer may shock you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jt7xa/can_you_be_electrocuted_by_a_news_story/
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What did Ron Burgandy say when he dropped his waffle on the beach?

Go fuck yourself sandy Eggo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jt6k4/what_did_ron_burgandy_say_when_he_dropped_his/
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A man on a plane

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jt0oc/a_man_on_a_plane/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

neither lasts long for a fat person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jszl1/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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I didn't really want to go to the seafood buffet...

...but I just went for the halibut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jsxew/i_didnt_really_want_to_go_to_the_seafood_buffet/
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A man is walking home from the market with three pigs and a wash tub.

Fumbling with everything, he asks a lady on the street to please hold one of the pigs for him while he figures out how to carry it all.
"No! You could *rape* me!"
"Lady, how in the world could I rape you holding two pigs and a wash tub?"
Lady thinks a minute and says, "Well, you could put one under the wash tub, make me stand on top of it, you hold one and I could hold the other."
(Thanks, Dad. RIP in peace.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jswgw/a_man_is_walking_home_from_the_market_with_three/
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jswe2/whats_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean_and/
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There is a monkey in a bar. A sign says "feel free to feed the monkey."

A man sees the sign and decides to feed the monkey a peanut. He gives the peanut to the monkey.
The monkey shoves the peanut up it's ass, then takes the peanut out and eats it.
Amused, the man asks the bartender:" Dude, why does that monkey do that?"
The bartender laughs:" He's been like that ever since he ate the cue ball."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jsvt1/there_is_a_monkey_in_a_bar_a_sign_says_feel_free/
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A young man has sex for the first time

The young man was very nervous about having sex with his girlfriend for the very first time, because he was convinced that his penis would be too small.
Eventually he realized that he could not postpone it forever and he nervously invited her over to his house.
Hesitatingly he started to take off his clothes and after that he dimmed the lights. Very carefully he started taking off her clothes and he started stroking her.
Finally he nervously nestled his erection inside her hand, hoping she didn't realize how small it was.
"No thank you," she said, "I don't smoke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jssx0/a_young_man_has_sex_for_the_first_time/
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A woman is complaining to her neighbor

:
- My husband is 300% impotent.
- A few days ago you told me 100%, not 300%.
- Well, yesterday he fell down the stairs, broke his finger and bit his tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jsqg1/a_woman_is_complaining_to_her_neighbor/
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Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jsooa/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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I bought my shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jso96/i_bought_my_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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Little Johnny...

Little Johnny says to the teacher..
Miss, Miss I need to do a piss! The teacher says ' Johnny, the proper term is urinate. I want you to go to the toilet and when you come back i want you to use urinate in a sentence.'
Little Johnny goes to the toilet and rushes back. Teacher: ok Johnny, use urinate in a sentence. Johnny flashes back, "ok miss, urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a 10!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jsk4e/little_johnny/
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Dad jokes for Father's Day

As its Father's Day (in Australia at least), here's a thread for all our favourite Dad Jokes
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles
Happy Dad Joke Day!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jsjti/dad_jokes_for_fathers_day/
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident....

...An Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other, One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "Tomorrow, we're going to pull her up again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jse73/the_day_after_his_wife_disappeared_in_a_kayaking/
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I told my friend to not worry about being hungry at the beach.

Because of all the sand which is there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jsc3n/i_told_my_friend_to_not_worry_about_being_hungry/
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How do you eat a computer?

byte by byte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3js9mm/how_do_you_eat_a_computer/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because it saw seven set a hobo on fire and masturbate on his charred corpse.
(Source: Patton Oswalt)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3js784/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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Why is no one friends with Dracula?

Cause hes a pain in the neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3js70j/why_is_no_one_friends_with_dracula/
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Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

one's a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3js516/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm... so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrza5/a_woman_is_in_bed_with_her_lover_who_also_happens/
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How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

One you'll see in a while, the other you'll see later.
Credit to Mitch hedburg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrvuo/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a/
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Garry Glitter gave me my first guitar lesson the other day

He showed me how to finger A minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrsrz/garry_glitter_gave_me_my_first_guitar_lesson_the/
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Did you hear about the clairvoyant midget that escaped from jail?

He's a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrsjm/did_you_hear_about_the_clairvoyant_midget_that/
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A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac

lay awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrrf5/a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
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Midget with a speech impediment.

A guy calls a horse rancher and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a race horse he wants to buy.
The rancher says “how will I recognize him?”
"Easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment”
The midget shows up and the rancher asks him if he is looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth” So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin’ horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the rancher picks up the midget and gets him eye to eye with the horse. Puts him down.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?”
The rancher picks up the little fella again and shows him the horse’s ears. Puts him down.
"Hmm, nith earzth. Can I thee her mouf?” The rancher is getting impatient with having to lift the midget every time he asks a question, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth. "Hmm, nith mouf, can I thee her twat?” Totally pissed off at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing and says, “Perhapth, I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrrbp/midget_with_a_speech_impediment/
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You know what the number one leading cause of pedophilia is, right?

Sexy kids.
(Pro Tip: I tell this to every single one of my First Dates. It's my Late 20s testing threshold for whether or not they'll tolerate me for very long.)
Edit2: and no, I don't see any kids as being sexy.
Edit3: except some of the Disney Channel stars from a decade-plus-ago, when I was a teenager, too. And it's kind of trippy to see those old episodes now and you're time traveling inside your head, like you're that age again. And you're able to remember what made them attractive to you. That's a mind-fuck.
Edit4: How did my last date go? It went alright. We fucked all night then I told her the joke since I was afraid it would scare her away like the last few girls, and I was feeling lonely lately. We were both tired, naked, and sweaty. I told her the joke. She laughed but said, "That's atrocious!" And I said, "That's a mighty big word for a twelve year old."
Edit5: I'll be here all week.
Edit6: I'll be incarcerated next week.
Edit7: confession time: I ripped this joke off my pastor. It was payback for him ripping off my clothes.
Edit8: that last edit wasn't a joke. My pastor ruined perfectly good clothes my mom purchased for me every Christmas. Sunday masses were a bummer cause I got all dressed up and he couldn't control himself. It's tough being young and wanting to be fashionable. It's my fault. My ass looked good in those jeans.
Edit9: for anyone who thinks I'm making light of pedophilia, it's okay. I'm allowed to. I have plenty of pedophile friends.
Edit10: my boss at my first job was right about networking. My name isn't Jared for nothing.
Edit11: but seriously, go visit victimsofcrime DOT org if you know of anyone currently in a crisis. You could be seriously saving someone from a life of therapy and self-torture. Thank you for laughing, if you did. And thank you for reading this far, at least, if you didn't laugh. I gotta go now. This cop has been staring me down all morning. Can't a single guy watch kids play at the park in peace? Geez.
Edit12: apparently, some of you think this joke has too many edits. I guess I should have posted to to /r/TrueJokes instead.
Edit13: spellcheck
Edit14: omgfrontpage and guilded. Wow, first post, too. Wow. Thank you. I'm gonna go touch a child a child for every upvote I get.
Edit15: this whole post is becoming stale. It's like beating off on a dead child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrr9u/you_know_what_the_number_one_leading_cause_of/
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What comes between fear and sex?

Fünf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrp2z/what_comes_between_fear_and_sex/
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A group of guys, all aged about 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were pretty.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrnyf/a_group_of_guys_all_aged_about_40_discussed_where/
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An angel and a man

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."
Reflecting on his life, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom."
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrljn/an_angel_and_a_man/
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How does the mummy plan to destroy Superman?

He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrin9/how_does_the_mummy_plan_to_destroy_superman/
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Erections happen all the time

A man is about to get a prostate exam from his doctor. Before the doctor begins, he tells the man "I must tell you, during this type of examination, erections happen all the time. They are very common, and trust me, it's nothing to be embarrassed about."
The man seems a little uncomfortable, but the doctor continues, "Now a little less common, is you may get one too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jri1y/erections_happen_all_the_time/
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I met Mike Tyson and he had his tiger with him. I said, "Wow! I can't believe you actually have a tiger! I thought that was a myth."

He said, "Well you were mythtaken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrgbj/i_met_mike_tyson_and_he_had_his_tiger_with_him_i/
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What did the premature ejaculatist say to his offended lover?

Sorry...
That came out wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrdpj/what_did_the_premature_ejaculatist_say_to_his/
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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes he did.
She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.
Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrcuw/two_couples_were_playing_cards_john_accidentally/
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When will the Jared jokes stop?

When they get too old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrcmt/when_will_the_jared_jokes_stop/
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A man with a stutter...

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.
"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.
"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.
"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.
"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jr5sq/a_man_with_a_stutter/
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A crusty old sergeant major walks into a brothel in Korea...

He walks up to the receptionist and says, "I'm a sergeant major, I've seen combat in every major conflict for the last 35 years, and I want the best goddamn hooker you've got in this place!"
The receptionist nods and leads him to one of the back rooms. Waiting there is a stunningly beautiful woman. The sergeant major  tells the receptionist to leave and starts making small talk with the hooker.
"So," the hooker says. "What makes you worth my time?"
The sergeant major replies, "I'm a goddamn sergeant major and I've seen combat in every conflict in the last 35 years! I wear command presence like you wear a skimpy skirt, and I'll prove it to you!" The sergeant major takes off his pants, looks down at his penis, and says, "Dick! Atten-SHUN!" His manlihood instantly snaps to the position of attention.
The hooker's eyes get wide. "That's incredible!"
"Yes," the sergeant major says. "It is. Now, watch this." He looks back down, and says "At ease!" His member returns to its flaccid state.
The hooker is, again, impressed. She asks if he can do it again, and he does. Twice. Finally, she says, "Well, let's get to it, shall we?"
The sergeant major, just for good measure, looks down and says, "Dick! Atten-SHUN!" one more time. But this time, nothing happens. The sergeant major growls in anger.
"Dick! Atten-SHUN!" Still, nothing happens.
The sergeant major jumps over into the corner and starts vigorously beating his meat.
"What are you doing?!" the hooker exclaims.
"This little soldier won't listen to me!" the sergeant major shouts, "So I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jr3ms/a_crusty_old_sergeant_major_walks_into_a_brothel/
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Why didn't Isaac Newton drink wine?

He knew better than to drink and derive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jr3br/why_didnt_isaac_newton_drink_wine/
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Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more?

He kept trying to shave the princess.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jr2t7/why_isnt_sean_connery_allowed_to_play_super_mario/
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Three blondes get stuck in an elevator

They start panicking and one of the blonde screams "HELP!"...after 30 seconds the second blonde screams "HELP!". Then the third blonde screams "HELP!". Suddenly,one of the blondes speaks up "Hey,what if we scream simultaneously?". Then one of the blonde screams "Simultaneously!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jr1hw/three_blondes_get_stuck_in_an_elevator/
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What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

You stop milking a cow after 10 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jqw1y/whats_the_difference_between_911_and_a_cow/
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Why does a chicken coupe have two doors?

Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jqvp0/why_does_a_chicken_coupe_have_two_doors/
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The best prostitute money can buy

A man walks into a bar and sees a pudgey, disgustingly pimpled ugly man with the hottest woman he's ever seen. The man walks up to the bartender and says "Wow, how the hell did that pimpled freak land a hottie like that?"... The bartender replies "Beats the hell out of me but the funny thing is, he's here with her every morning..... Why don't you ask him?"
So the man finally gets up the nerve to approach the fat man and says "Excuse me but... I have to ask.... how in the world did you land such a hottie?" The fat man replies "Well she's a prostitute." The man is stunned. "Well how did you meet her?" The fat man replies... "Well she's here every morning at 9am sharp... be here and you'll get your chance."...
So the next day the man comes in and sees the woman at the bar, sitting. He sits down beside her and says "I'm sorry but I have to ask.... are you a prostitute?" The woman replies "Its ok and yes... I am." "Wow.... how much for a handjob then?" The woman replies "$700." "$700??!! Good God lady, don't you think thats a bit too much?" The woman says "Come to the window I want to show you something" She takes him to the window and points to a red Ferrari outside. "You see that Ferrari?" "Yeah... what about it?" "I paid for it by giving handjobs." "WOW!!! That must be one hell of a handjob." So he pays her the money and gets the best handjob ever.... his legs shake, lips quiver and has the greatest orgasm he has ever had.
Next day the man comes back and asks "How much for a blowjob?" "$800" "Holy shit, thats alot of money" "Let me show you something" she says. She takes him back to the window and points to 2 skyscrapers in the city. "You see those skyscrapers?" "Yeah.." "I paid for those giving blowjobs." "WOW!!! Thats one awesome blowjob!!!" So he pays her the money and gets the best blowjob he has ever had..... his eyes roll back in his head, feet tremble and has an even greater orgasm than the last time.
The next day the man gets up and empties out his entire bank account. He goes to the bar, sees the woman and says "I've got the best handjob and blowjob I have ever had in my life and it was from you.... I've GOT to know how good that pussy is.... how much? Name your price. I'll pay anything!!!!" The woman says "Come here, let me show you something" She takes him back to the window and points to an island resort with hotels and communities. "You see that island over there with the lavish hotels and prominent communities?" He said "Yeah." She says "If I had a pussy I could buy that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jqtkh/the_best_prostitute_money_can_buy/
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"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jqr9j/mr_president_two_brazilian_soldiers_were_killed/
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What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jqq8t/whats_the_difference_between_tuna_a_piano_and_glue/
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Who's the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The one that can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jqnxc/whos_the_most_popular_guy_at_a_nudist_colony/
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Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jqmv6/q_why_is_air_a_lot_like_sex/
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Rich Man

A wealthy man was driving in his car when
he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and
he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to
my house and I'll feed you," the man said.
"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me.
They are over there, under that tree".
"Bring them along," the rich man replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the man answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as it was.
One of the poor fellows turned to the rich man and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place;
the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jqlnb/rich_man/
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Tommy at the rodeo

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.
Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.
That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease.
As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast.
Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try.
Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.
Everyone was astonished.
"Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," said Tommy's friends, "how on earth did you manage that?"
"Easy," said Tommy, "my wife's an epileptic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jqei5/tommy_at_the_rodeo/
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How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jqe9j/how_do_you_make_five_pounds_of_fat_look_good/
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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals..

I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jq7nd/im_not_a_vegetarian_because_i_love_animals/
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TIL: The Norwegian Navy have started to put barcodes on their ships.

So they can Scan da navy in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jq5nb/til_the_norwegian_navy_have_started_to_put/
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How do you get heaps of pikachu on to a bus?

You pokemon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jq25y/how_do_you_get_heaps_of_pikachu_on_to_a_bus/
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A jewish girl asks her dad for 40 dollars

her dad looks at her and says"30 DOLLARS??!!?!, what do you need 20 dollars for? here's a ten, go split it with your brother"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jq1b1/a_jewish_girl_asks_her_dad_for_40_dollars/
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What do you do with an epileptic lettuce?

Make a seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jpzkq/what_do_you_do_with_an_epileptic_lettuce/
%
What do Communist cats say?

Mao.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jpz4u/what_do_communist_cats_say/
%
What does the B in Benoît B. Mandelbrot stand for?

Benoît B. Mandelbrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jpyhm/what_does_the_b_in_benoît_b_mandelbrot_stand_for/
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A man walks into a bar.

Embarrassed, he dusts himself off, then walks around it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jpsv3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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What does a Jew with an erection get when he walks into a wall?

A broken nose, i will sit in the corner now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jppjl/what_does_a_jew_with_an_erection_get_when_he/
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Nerdiest joke I know.

I'd tell you a joke about UDP packets, but I'm not sure you'd get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jpp6a/nerdiest_joke_i_know/
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My son's arts and crafts class isn't graded.

I'm glad they teach kids how worthless a liberal-arts degree is at such a young age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jpoyy/my_sons_arts_and_crafts_class_isnt_graded/
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes a long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jpmxx/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Did you guys hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jpjid/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_constipated/
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A man with really bad stamina in bed

A man has the hottest wife in the world, who loves sex a lot. Problem was, he had can't even last 5 minutes in bed, no matter what he tried.
So he goes to see a doctor, who suggests that about an hour before sex he should masturbate, that way he'll be a bit less likely to cum as quickly.
One day, the man is in his car on the way home when he gets a call from his wife, who tells him she's just craving it really bad and was going to give it to him the second he gets home.
Not wanting to disappoint, the man figures if he parks his car on the shoulder and jerks with his car blocking him, if anyone comes along he could say he was fixing his breaks.
So he pulls over and starts jerking. Just as he's about to climax he feels a tap on the shoulder. He turns his head to see a cop.
"What are you doing?"
The man quickly zips his pants. "Just fixing my breaks."
"Yeah... you better take a better look at that, because your car just rolled down the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jpheh/a_man_with_really_bad_stamina_in_bed/
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Tanning Blondes

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks
Are you two sisters?
They laughed and replied, No we're not even Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jpeea/tanning_blondes/
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A dog walks into a bar

and says to the bartender "A pint of beer please." The bartender says "Wow that's amazing! You should join the circus!" The dog then replies "Why? Do they need electricians?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jpcrb/a_dog_walks_into_a_bar/
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Three blondes are walking through the forest

when they come upon a set of tracks. The first says "These are obviously wolf tracks." The second says "You must be high! they're cougar tracks." The third replies "You're both retarded. They are definitely bear tracks!" They're still arguing when the train hits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jp5p2/three_blondes_are_walking_through_the_forest/
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Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jp4yo/why_did_the_chicken_commit_suicide/
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What did the redneck say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

"We can still be cousins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jp3gc/what_did_the_redneck_say_when_he_broke_up_with/
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Whats the difference

What is the difference between a redneck divorce, and a tornado. Not a damn thing either way someone is losing a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jozw7/whats_the_difference/
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Why can't priests have children?

Because choir boys can't get pregnant, thank God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3joyn7/why_cant_priests_have_children/
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Who serves all you can eat rabbit stew?

Warren Buffet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3joxxy/who_serves_all_you_can_eat_rabbit_stew/
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Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because his wife is a bitch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jox9c/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
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Hot girl walks out of elevator very pissed

"That guy just said my hair smells good, so I smacked him" she frustratingly says to her friend once out of the elevator.
"Why, what's wrong with getting a compliment?" her friend asks with curiosity.
"He was a midget."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jox3z/hot_girl_walks_out_of_elevator_very_pissed/
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Roses are Red...

Violets are red. Tulips are red. Bushes are red. Trees are red.
I set your garden on fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jox1i/roses_are_red/
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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "That's my dad outside."
Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad."
Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jowui/a_housewife_takes_a_lover_during_the_day_while/
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A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to one another on a long flight.

Bored, and thinking he could have some fun with her, the lawyer leans over and offers to play a game.
"We take turns asking each other questions. If you cannot answer my question correctly, you must give me $10. If I cannot answer a question of yours correctly, I will give you $100. Deal?"
The blonde agrees to play, and they exchange a few simple questions, both getting correct answers.
Then the lawyer decides to ask some harder questions.
"What year did Albert Einstein create his Theory of Relativity?"
The blonde frowns for a minute or two, then reaches into her purse and wordlessly gives him $10.
"Okay, your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
Stumped, the lawyer ponders for a while. It seemed like such a riddle, he even started asking other passengers, and the flight attendants. The blonde didn't protest, only sat in silence as he wracked his brain.
Despite his pride being on the line, after about forty minutes filled with serious contemplation, the lawyer finally gives up and pulls $100 out of his wallet for her.
"What was the answer, by the way?" He asked her.
The blonde wordlessly reaches into her purse and gives the lawyer $10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3joq8p/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_are_sitting_next_to_one/
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[Amazing Comeback] So I was reading comments on a LGBT friendly add(Android's #AndProud)

> I hate fucking gays
>> Stop having sex with gays then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3joihz/amazing_comeback_so_i_was_reading_comments_on_a/
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A trucker orders a bowl of chicken noodle soup...

The waitress brings it sets it on the table.  He starts eating the soup and finds a hair in it. He screams at the waitress, "There is a fuckin' hair in my soup and I'm not paying for it!". He stomped out and didn't pay.  The waitress saw him cross the street and go in to the whore house where she once worked. She was fumed at him for walking the check. She ran across the street to the brothel and asked her former madam where he was so she could tell him off.  The madam pointed to the room down the hall. She busted into the room where the trucker was eating a girls pussy.  She screamed, "You won't pay for a bowl of soup with one little hair in it, but you can lay there and eat her hairy ass pussy?". He replied," You're god dam right!  And if I find a noodle in her pussy I ain't payin' for it either!"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jofeh/a_trucker_orders_a_bowl_of_chicken_noodle_soup/
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A man visits a doctor because he shoved an entire lettuce up his butt...

The doctor tells him,
"Hmm, there's a strange rash around your butthole now..."
The man, shocked, replies,
"Oh my god, is it serious?"
The doctor says,
"Serious? That's just the tip of the iceberg!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3joecj/a_man_visits_a_doctor_because_he_shoved_an_entire/
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A man using Apple maps walks into a bar...

Or maybe it was a hospital? Or possibly a church?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jody1/a_man_using_apple_maps_walks_into_a_bar/
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So I donated blood today...

Good to know my blood is gonna be running through some other guy's boner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jodn6/so_i_donated_blood_today/
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Why do black people have white palms? (NSFW)

Because everybody needs a little good in them.
*Found in my Spanish text book in 6th grade... kids man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jod9r/why_do_black_people_have_white_palms_nsfw/
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Did you blow Bubbles when you were a child?

Because I saw Bubbles today and he wanted your number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jo8ek/did_you_blow_bubbles_when_you_were_a_child/
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A boy goes into a stripclub...

When he comes home, his mom asks him: "Son, did you see anything you aren't supposed to see there?"
The son replies, "Ya, I saw dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jo7y9/a_boy_goes_into_a_stripclub/
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How do you kill an African child?

Wait 5 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jo7v1/how_do_you_kill_an_african_child/
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What do you call a bone that disrespects God?

A Blasfemur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jo6ff/what_do_you_call_a_bone_that_disrespects_god/
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how many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

it doesnt matter.....they just beat the shit out of the walls for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jo6es/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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Why do black people have nightmares?

We killed the only one with a dream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jo5rm/why_do_black_people_have_nightmares/
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I like my women like I like my reality shows....

Naked and afraid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jo3ny/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_reality_shows/
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There was a male striper who absolutely hated his line of work and wanted to quit.

The pay was really good though, so he decided to stick it out for a little bit longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jo2ys/there_was_a_male_striper_who_absolutely_hated_his/
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What do you call a nun in a wheel chair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jo1e7/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheel_chair/
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How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ?

You can feel his presents ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jo0jz/how_do_you_know_when_santa_claus_is_nearby/
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People keep complaining about 'Let it Go'...

The song never bothered me anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnyi4/people_keep_complaining_about_let_it_go/
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Three doctors

are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnwxj/three_doctors/
%
What is Harper Lee's favorite drink?

Tequila mockingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnt41/what_is_harper_lees_favorite_drink/
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Most people browse on Google or Bing...

But I browse on fleek

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jns4k/most_people_browse_on_google_or_bing/
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In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.
To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jns0z/in_the_early_20th_century_thomas_edison_was/
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Did you hear about the choir boys

They were charged with indecent exposure last winter, the cops found them with there penises in the snow bank when questioned why they responded with "the priest likes a couple cold ones after the sermon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnr66/did_you_hear_about_the_choir_boys/
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A city slicker, named Tommy

, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.
Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.
That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease.
As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast.
Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try.
Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.
Everyone was astonished.
"Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," said Tommy's friends, "how on earth did you manage that?"
"Easy," said Tommy, "my wife's an epileptic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnqle/a_city_slicker_named_tommy/
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A cowboy walks into a gay bar...

He says to the bartender, "I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls."
The bartender replies "Moo?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnpqd/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_gay_bar/
%
How does a jew make coffee?

Hebrews it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnpkx/how_does_a_jew_make_coffee/
%
What's the easiest sport to get into?

Limbo. They don't set the bar very high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnnc3/whats_the_easiest_sport_to_get_into/
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A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath

They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnkg4/a_woman_is_in_a_coma_and_her_nurses_are_giving/
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Why do white people not like playing uno with mexicans?

They take all the green cards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnk60/why_do_white_people_not_like_playing_uno_with/
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Local Drowning

A hippie drowned at the local beach last night. When asked why the free spirit was unable to be save before his tragic death, a lifeguard commented "He was too far out, man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnhyq/local_drowning/
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There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knght with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
**EDIT: Joke found in AskReddit thread from 2 years ago.**
**Credit to /u/Not-Jacob**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jng8m/there_were_three_kingdoms_each_bordering_on_the/
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Apple is trying to market its new iPod to the lower demographic with a newly named device ...

... however they decided "iTouch Kids" was not a good name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jng8a/apple_is_trying_to_market_its_new_ipod_to_the/
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My girlfriend called me a pervert...

but what does she know, she's only 13 years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnflf/my_girlfriend_called_me_a_pervert/
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Two friends walking their dogs...

walk past a bar. They would like to have a drink, but there is a sign on the bar that says 'no dogs allowed'. One of the guys puts on a pair of sunglasses, tells his friend to wait, and walks into the bar with his dog. After a few minutes he walks out victoriously and says for the other to put on his sunglasses too. "Just say it's your seeing eye dog." The man exclaims. The man likes this idea, so he puts on his glasses and heads into the bar like his friend. When he goes to order his drink, the bartender says there are no dogs allowed, and points to the sign.
The man says. "This is my seeing eye dog, surely you can make an exception for that."
The bartender chuckles and says, "You can't trick me, now take your chihuahua and get out my bar, you phony."
Outraged, the man responds,"They gave me a fucking chihuahua!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnef4/two_friends_walking_their_dogs/
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Happy Ducks (NSWF)

Three ducks walk into a bar and order 3 beers. When the 1st duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, "Thanks man, my name is Huey." The bartender says "Nice to meet you Huey! How's your day been?" Huey replies "Man! I have had the best day ever... I have been in and out of puddles all day long. Couldn't ask for a better day!" The bartender congratulates Huey on having such a magnificent day and then turns to the 2nd duck and hands him his beer. When the 2nd duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, "Thanks man, my name is Dewey." The bartender says "Nice to meet you Dewey! How's your day been?" Dewey replies "Man! I can't remember the last time I had such a wonderful day! I have been in and out of puddles all day long. I will remember this day forever!" The bartender congratulates Dewey on having such a magnificent day and then turns to the 3rd duck and hands him his beer. The bartender says "Let me guess...your friend's names are Huey and Dewey, so you must be Louie" The 3rd duck glares at the bartender and says "No, you asshole. My name is Puddles and DON'T ask me how my f**king day has been!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jne8r/happy_ducks_nswf/
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What do you call pasta with alzheimers?

forgetti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jncl0/what_do_you_call_pasta_with_alzheimers/
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What did Thor have to wear when he broke his tailbone?

An Asgard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnbgp/what_did_thor_have_to_wear_when_he_broke_his/
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The Three Generals

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''
The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''
The general said, ''Just do it!''
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his dick. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls?''
The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnaso/the_three_generals/
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How does an astronaut cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnasi/how_does_an_astronaut_cut_his_hair/
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How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jn9vk/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
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Caveman Diet

My wife put me on the cave man diet.  She says that like our ancestors, we can only eat things you would gather or catch.  After about six weeks of this, I've come to the conclusion, I can catch a pizza guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jn9ex/caveman_diet/
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Men need to stop looking at women as sex objects...

They can also cook and clean!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jn8rd/men_need_to_stop_looking_at_women_as_sex_objects/
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Prostitute Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jn6sr/prostitute_parrots/
%
A man walks into a bar... (the apple drinks one)

And he orders a Rum & Coke (Cuba Libre), and the bartender hands him an apple.  Confused, he restated he wanted a cocktail, but the bartender insisted.  He bites into the apple and yells 'holy shit! this tastes like rum!'  'turn the apple', said the bartender.  'Wow, this side tastes like Coke!'
Another man walks into the bar and orders a Gin & Tonic.  The bartenders hands him an apple and he gets confused too.  'Trust the guy, bite it'.  'Whoa! this tastes like Gin!' 'Turn it around' said the bartender.  'Amazing.  This tastes like tonic!
Another guy walks into the bar.  The two guys tell him about the flavored apples and how this guy can make apples to taste whatever you want them to.
'If that's the case, I want a pussy-flavored one'
'You got it' said the bartender and gave him an apple.
He bites the apple, and then spits it and pukes.
'What the hell man! this tastes like shit!'
'turn it around...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jn682/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_the_apple_drinks_one/
%
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat...

As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Obviously not my joke, but it gave my abs a good workout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jn5ft/a_man_boarded_an_airplane_and_took_his_seat/
%
Three tough mice.

Three mice are sitting at the bar, bragging on how tough they are.
The first one says, "I'm so tough I jump into a mouse trap, catch the bar, bench press it 10 times, then take the cheese"
The second one says, "Oh yeah, well I smash up that rat poison and sniff it to get a buzz"
The third mouse gets up and starts to walk away.
"Hey where you going?"
"I'm going home to fuck the cat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jn4v2/three_tough_mice/
%
While working, a man's right hand gets chopped off

he is obviously very sad and upset and thinks what would he do without his right hand. So he decides to end his life and climbs up a hill to jump.
Just before he jumps, he sees a nude man with no hands jumping and dancing around trees and bushes. He seemed very happy with his life, so he thinks he should ask him how can he remain so happy without hands. It might motivate himself to live..
He goes to the guy and stops him and asks "I came here to end my life because I lost my one hand, but then I saw you being so happy without any hand. How do you manage to remain so happy?"
The other guy says "who the fuck is happy, my balls are itchy. Can you scratch them for me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jn2mj/while_working_a_mans_right_hand_gets_chopped_off/
%
Kanye West wants to be president...

But no one man should have all that power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jn2cr/kanye_west_wants_to_be_president/
%
How do you spot an attention whore on reddit?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jn1jc/how_do_you_spot_an_attention_whore_on_reddit/
%
A grasshopper walks into a bar...

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jn0e7/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
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Here's a joke for you.

Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist; he'll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you'll have it all to yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jmzzy/heres_a_joke_for_you/
%
A girl came to me today...

...and told me she will have sex with me if I advertise some random liquid detergent. Of course I said no, after all I'm a powerful man with high standards. As powerful as the new Ajax detergent, which offers a unique freshness, activated on air contact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jmzyv/a_girl_came_to_me_today/
%
A man is stopped for speeding on the highway

The driver, who is confronted by the cop to get a ticket, suddenly confesses that he has heroin with him in the vehicle. The cop, visibly shocked, calls for backup, explaining to them that the man who he caught speeding admitted that he had drugs on him.
A narcotics team arrives and searches through the vehicle to find nothing of interest. Confronting the driver, they ask for an explanation.
"The cop said I had drugs?! Of course not!" exclaims the driver.
"I bet he told you I was speeding too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jmy3n/a_man_is_stopped_for_speeding_on_the_highway/
%
I asked my German friend how many jews there are in Germany today

He replied: I don't know, do you want me to gas?
(This is conversation actually took place like an hour ago)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jmv83/i_asked_my_german_friend_how_many_jews_there_are/
%
How do Mexicans cut their pizza?

With Little Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jmskt/how_do_mexicans_cut_their_pizza/
%
What did O say to Q?

Your dick is hanging out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jms36/what_did_o_say_to_q/
%
Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jmngk/why_cant_a_blonde_dial_911/
%
What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jmjen/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_thats_just_been_hit/
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German couple rush to a Jewish Hospital

A German couple are rushed to a Jewish hospital after a huge hailstorm. The boyfriend's right hand was cut, and the girlfriend's head is in really bad shape, so the couple go to the emergency room. A rabbi - who is accompanying and praying for all the patients in the emergency room - is in shock of how the girlfriend managed to be in the condition she was in. The rabbi asks the boyfriend, "what hit her?" The boyfriend still panting after rushing to the hospital pointing with his bandaged hand and quickly mutters, "hail-hit-her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jmhtg/german_couple_rush_to_a_jewish_hospital/
%
3 guys decide to go mountain climbing

After a few days of climbing, they finally reach the summit. All of them are in awe of the spectacular beauty they can see from being so high up.
One of them men, tired from the trek, decides to sit down. He feels something underneath him. Curious, he pulls it out of the ground and he sees that it's a genie's lamp. The man rubs out and *poof* a genie appears.
"Well", said the genie, "since there are 3 of you, you all get one wish, but here's the catch. You have to jump off the mountain for me to grant it."
The first guy decides it's not such a bad deal and jumps off the cliff and yells "eagle!". The man becomes an eagle and soars into the sky.
The second guy decides to jump and yells "hawk!" and flies off to meet up with the eagle.
The third guy runs to the mountain side, but trips on a rock as soon as he jumps.
"Shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jmgki/3_guys_decide_to_go_mountain_climbing/
%
Why was there semen on the clean laundry?

When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, "Please put a load in the washer"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jmdl6/why_was_there_semen_on_the_clean_laundry/
%
Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?

Because it's a catastrophe :-)
Yeah, ok, I'll be going now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jmdgu/why_dont_you_want_to_win_an_award_for_best_feline/
%
A man walks into a bar...

...and loses the international limbo championship.
(I feel like this is probably really old, but I hadn't heard it before.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jm9b0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Miracle?

They say Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jm754/miracle/
%
how do you starve a black person?

the same way you would a white person.... you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jm5hn/how_do_you_starve_a_black_person/
%
Why 'business' people continue to earn more than people who actually work :

Time is money (time=money), and knowledge is power( knowledge=power)
we know that power is work done/time
solving,
power=work done/money
but knowledge=power
hence
we have money=work done/knowledge
which means, in the limiting case, as knowledge ->0 money -> Infinity, regardless of work done

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jm30p/why_business_people_continue_to_earn_more_than/
%
Kim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him?

A glorious reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jlxzu/kim_jung_un_loves_to_read_books_what_does_that/
%
What do you call an exceptional Mexican?

Nacho average guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jlw4b/what_do_you_call_an_exceptional_mexican/
%
If your mouse doesn't work, what is it?

Unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jlt40/if_your_mouse_doesnt_work_what_is_it/
%
I was on a first date with a girl.

Afterwards she said she didn't want to see me again. Apparently she was really pissed because I didn't open the car door for her.
Well excuse me for being in a hurry to swim to the surface.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jlqeg/i_was_on_a_first_date_with_a_girl/
%
[NSFW] Glitter

A White guy, a brown guy, and a black guy go on a road trip. Along the way to their destination, they have engine issues and the car breaks down. Nearest service station is over 50 miles away, fortunately for them, there is a house farm nearby.They get to the door and knock.
An old, bitter looking old man answers the door with a rifle hanging down his right arm. He looks at them and asks "What you boys want?"
They tell him their car broke down, and need to use the phone.
He responds with "Ain't no help comin' 'round this time'a night. Y'all could spend the night and help will be here by the mornin'"
They look at each other and agree to stay.
"Course there is one stipulation. You see that girl over there?" asks the old man with his rifle aimed at the girls direction.
The guys look over with wide eyes and jaws dropped at the direction of a hot, young, blonde girl wearing a crop top plaid shirt, and daisy dukes, standing by the kitchens enterance.
"That's my promiscuous daughter. You boys gotta agree you ain't gon' try to do anything with her, or I will shoot your dicks off!" Exclaimed the old man with his rifle now pointing at their dicks.
"I'm gonna cover my daughters pussy with glitter, and check y'alls dicks in the mornin' to make sure y'all stayed true to y'alls word." The old man said.
They nod their head in agreement and walk into the house.
The daughter prepares a small meal for the guys and goes off to her room. The old man then shows the three guys over to their room and reminds them of their agreement. He closes the door to their room and walks next door to his daughters room with a bag of glitter and gives her a good night kiss before heading to his room.
A couple hours pass in the night.
The white guy gets up to use the bathroom. He comes back 30 minutes later. 1
5 minutes later, the brown guys gets up to use the bathroom. He returns an hour later.
30 minutes go by, and the black guy gets up to use the bathroom. He is gone for over 2 hours before returning to bed.
Morning comes and the old man walks in the room with his rifle, and wakes the guys up.
"Alright boys, get up and line up!"
The guys get up, and oblige to his command.
He points his rifle at the white guy, and says "Drop them pants, boy!"
The white guy drops his pants and reveals a glittered dick.
BOOM!
The old man shoots him in the dick, and the white guy runs out the house, screaming in pain.
He cocks his gun and points it at the brown guy.
"Let's see your dick, boy!"
The brown guy, nervous and shaking, drops his pants to reveal a glittered covered dick.
BOOM!
The old man blasts the brown guy right in the dick, and he goes running out the door, crying in pain.
He points at the black guy and tells him "Your turn!" with a big grin on his face.
The black guy, sweating and trembling, drops his pants.
To the old mans surprise, there was no glitter on his dick.
"Well, I'll be damned! You're one of the good men that stays true to his word! Good job, boy, I'm proud of ya!"
The black guy wipes sweat from his forehead, says thank you to the old man, and smiles at him with a mouthful of glitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jljb6/nsfw_glitter/
%
What's the Indian way of saying 'Bread of Heaven'?

Is it:
A) Holy Loaf
B) Sacred Baguette
Or C) Naan of the above

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jlg18/whats_the_indian_way_of_saying_bread_of_heaven/
%
What happened when Harry Potter had sex with a pig?

He got hog warts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jlebm/what_happened_when_harry_potter_had_sex_with_a_pig/
%
What do you call a dead IS fighter

WAS fighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jlair/what_do_you_call_a_dead_is_fighter/
%
What do you get when you add human DNA with goat DNA

I don't know but I was kicked out of the petting zoo..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jl6au/what_do_you_get_when_you_add_human_dna_with_goat/
%
The EU has said that more needs to be done to help the Syrian refugees, especially the children.

May I recommend swimming lessons?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jkz0y/the_eu_has_said_that_more_needs_to_be_done_to/
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A sea of wheat

A blonde was driving down a road when she saw another blonde in a boat trying to row through a sea of wheat. She gets out of her car and yells "Hey! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! And if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jkpnd/a_sea_of_wheat/
%
A blonde, brunette and redhead are at a doctor's office for their first sonograms.

The brunette says "I just know I'm going to be having a boy, I was on top." The redhead muses "Oh, then I guess I'm having a girl since I was on the bottom!" It was at that moment the blonde began to cry hysterically. The other two came closer, put their arms around her and tried to comfort her when she cried out "Then *I'M* having puppies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jkohy/a_blonde_brunette_and_redhead_are_at_a_doctors/
%
What do Donald trump and the Internet have in common?

They're two of the worlds most powerful tools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jklou/what_do_donald_trump_and_the_internet_have_in/
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A married couple is in therapy

The therapist asks the husband, "When you are having sex, what do most wish your wife would do?"
The husband answers, "She can do whatever she likes, so long as she doesn't come home without calling first."
(I just made that up.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jkf29/a_married_couple_is_in_therapy/
%
Two vegans get in an argument

They now have beef

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jke0n/two_vegans_get_in_an_argument/
%
Haikus are easy

But sometimes they don't make sense.
Refrigerator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jkdmw/haikus_are_easy/
%
What do you call a smart blonde?

A Labrador retriever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jkd88/what_do_you_call_a_smart_blonde/
%
A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...

It read as follows:
---
*Michael*,
*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*
*Love, Elizabeth*
*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*
---
The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:
---
*Elizabeth,*
*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*
*Take care, Michael*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jkb7p/a_marine_received_a_dear_john_letter_from_his/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are each locked away for a year in solitary confinement.

Before they are thrown in, they are each allowed to request a year's supply of whatever he wants to help them through the hard time.
The Scotsman asks for whisky, so he gets some and he's locked away.
The Irishman asks for a fix of Guinness, so several hundred bottles are thrown in.
The Englishman requests a year's supply of cigarettes, so he's given the cartons and he too is locked up.
When it's time to let them out, they open the Scot's door, he stumbles out shouting "FREEDOM!" before he collapses and dies of alcohol poisoning.
Paddy is dragged out into the light, where he soon dies of a busted liver.
When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everyone waits eagerly to see what sort of state he's gotten himself into. To their surprise, he walks right out, scoots up to the nearest person and asks, "I say, you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jk6xe/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_are_each/
%
Why was the chef fired?

He was caught stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jk6hy/why_was_the_chef_fired/
%
Three Doctors

Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jk2su/three_doctors/
%
I'm really annoyed, my wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them!

to be fair, it was probably my fault for leaving them on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jk10g/im_really_annoyed_my_wifes_sister_sat_on_my/
%
Dads...

Are just a bunch of mother fuckers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jjv6r/dads/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2 and I have no idea how they got in there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jjspi/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
I got fired from my job at the Orange Juice factory

They said I couldn't concentrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jjptf/i_got_fired_from_my_job_at_the_orange_juice/
%
Why did Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jjprc/why_did_barbie_never_get_pregnant/
%
What do you call an Asian flying a plane?

A pirate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jjdpr/what_do_you_call_an_asian_flying_a_plane/
%
Retired Sailor

An old sailor comes to shore for the last time, as he is retiring. He says goodbye to his crew and with his final pay check he decides to treat himself. Having been on the ship for many months with an all male crew, he decides to enlist the services of a prostitute. He pays her, and they head to a motel. They get there, and the sailor is a little rusty but things are heating up. They begin to really go at it, or at least he thinks so, before the prostitute says
“Sailor, I think you should know that you’re only going at 3 knots”
To which the sailor replies
“I’m familiar with nautical terms at sea but what does that mean here?”
Before the prostitute retorts
“ Y’know, three knots. You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jjcln/retired_sailor/
%
My girlfriend asked me how I viewed lesbian relationships...

Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jjbuv/my_girlfriend_asked_me_how_i_viewed_lesbian/
%
Two Cannibals are sharing a meal.

One cannibal says to the other "You start at the feet and I'll start at the head."
The other cannibal agrees, a few minutes later the first cannibal asks "How are you getting on?"
The second cannibal says "I'm having a ball."
The first replies "Slow down you're eating too fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jjb3h/two_cannibals_are_sharing_a_meal/
%
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It might me a little to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jj9mt/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_pot_of_boiling_water/
%
Three Gay Rednecks (NSFW)

So there's three gay rednecks sitting at a bar mourning the loss of one their gay buddies.
They're figuring out what to do with the ashes.
One of the rednecks says, "Man, we oughta take his ashes out to the mountains. He loved the mountains."
The second one replies, "No man, let's take his ashes to the ocean because he really loved the beach."
The third guy says "No man. Let's put his ashes in a big vat of chili and let him tear our asses up one more time!"
*Edit - a word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jj8iy/three_gay_rednecks_nsfw/
%
How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?

Just give it time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jj7hb/how_do_you_turn_a_3d_printer_into_a_4d_printer/
%
The Designated D

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jj511/the_designated_d/
%
If a tree falls in the woods....

.....and no one is around to hear it.
Will a hipster buy the soundtrack?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jj3qo/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_woods/
%
A man lying on his deathbed called his three best friends to his side.

They were his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor.
"I am going to die tonight, and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you *can* take it all with you. So to you, my three most trusted friends, I’ve put 50,000 dollars cash in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died. So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish. Standing over the coffin as it was lowered, each man threw in his envelope as promised.
A week later, the three were having lunch and pastor confessed, "I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
The doctor started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed new equipment."
The lawyer shook his head with disgust. “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jj1ys/a_man_lying_on_his_deathbed_called_his_three_best/
%
Did you know that pigeons die after they have sex?

At least the one I fucked did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jizwf/did_you_know_that_pigeons_die_after_they_have_sex/
%
Hormones

A teacher is giving her elementary school class their first lesson in sexual education. Rather than starting with the particularly giggle-worthy aspects, she decides to discuss something a little bit tamer at the beginning.
"Okay, everyone," the teacher says, "who can tell me what hormones do?"
A little girl raises her hand. "Hormones make men's hair fall out!"
"That is one thing that hormones can do," replies the teacher. "What else?"
Another student chimes in. "Hormones make my big sister get mad for no reason!"
"Hormones can certainly change a person's mood," the teacher responds.
Finally, a young boy - who has been silently contemplating all of this - raises his hand. "Well," he begins, "hormones made my parents get a divorce."
The teacher, shocked at this, asks the little boy if he's sure.
"Yeah," the boy replies. "My dad went on a business trip, and my mom went to surprise him at his hotel room."
"What does that have to do with hormones?" the teacher asks.
The boy shrugs. "My mom could hear them through the door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jiy96/hormones/
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I was recently diagnosed with mesothelioma

it's tough sometimes, but I'm doing asbestos I can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jiwcu/i_was_recently_diagnosed_with_mesothelioma/
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What does a Jewish pedophile say to an 8 year old boy?

Hey little boy, want to buy some candy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jis2c/what_does_a_jewish_pedophile_say_to_an_8_year_old/
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How do you build a boat?

Well Im not sure, but I do Noah guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jipz6/how_do_you_build_a_boat/
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A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.

So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes £2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jio5n/a_professor_told_dirty_jokes_in_class_and_the/
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pulled over by a cop

I was driving down the street this morning and a stupid goose flew out in front of my car.  I didn't have enough time to swerve or stop and ran right into him.  It must've hit at the right angle because sure enough, the goose bounced off the hood of my car, popped up, and smacked straight into a police car's windshield right behind me.
Immediately his lights went on and I got pulled over.  I'm a bit pissed off at this point when the officer walks over to my car.  He proceeds to ask if I knew why he pulled me over and after a shrug he looks down and says, it's for flipping him the bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jimqj/pulled_over_by_a_cop/
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Every woman should have four pets...

A mink in her closet, a Jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed...and a Jackass to pay for all of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jimdf/every_woman_should_have_four_pets/
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A man from Egypt, a man from Paris and a man from Liverpool are all on a hot air balloon ride

The man from Egypt says "we're in Egypt! I can see the beautiful pyramids". A while later the man from Paris says "we're in Paris! I can see the Eiffel Tower from here". Next, the man from Liverpool spoke. He said "we're in Liverpool! I can see someone stealing my car!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jilfg/a_man_from_egypt_a_man_from_paris_and_a_man_from/
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After my surgery, the doctor told me I have to pee sitting down.

He told me not to lift anything that weighs more than 10 pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jiixg/after_my_surgery_the_doctor_told_me_i_have_to_pee/
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Three guys walk into a hotel...

They walk up to the front desk and ask what they have available. The man at the desk tells them they only have one room available, but there is only one bed. The three men aren't bothered by this and they decide to share the bed. In the morning the man who was sleeping on the far right of the bed says "it was so weird, last night I had a dream someone was giving me a handjob."
The man on the far left of the bed said he too had a dream that he received a handjob.
The man who was in the center said "That is weird, I just had a dream that I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jigyr/three_guys_walk_into_a_hotel/
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It takes many nails to build a crib...

...but only one screw to fill it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jif1g/it_takes_many_nails_to_build_a_crib/
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Life's like a box of chocolates

It don't last long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jibte/lifes_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irish man are walking through the jungle...

Where they are captured by a group of hungry cannibals.
The cannibals set these men a task of shoving 10 whole pieces of fruit up their arse, and if they can achieve it, without making any noise they will be allowed on their way.
The men run off into the jungle to collect their fruit.
The Englishman returns first with 10 apples, and starts inserting apples into his anus, after 6 apples he cannot take it anymore and screams out in pain. He is immediately killed and put on to boil.
The Scotsman returns next carrying 10 strawberries and begins ramming these tiny fruits up his rear end, he easily fits nine strawberries up his backside, and swiftly moves onto the 10th. He has the 10th small fruit up half way up his ass when he burst out into hysterical laughter, he is then killed and put in the stew with the Englishman.
The Scotsman and the Englishman are chilling in heaven and the Englishman says, "You were so close to being allowed to live, why did you start laughing?"
The Scotsman replies, "I seen the Irishman with the pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ji6xq/a_scotsman_an_englishman_and_an_irish_man_are/
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A woman got stung by a bee on the golf course

As she was allergic to bee stings, she frantically ran to the clubhouse to get help.  "I've been stung by a bee," she cried to the clubhouse attendant.  "Where were you stung?" he asked.  "Between the first and second hole," she said.  He replied, "I think your stance may be a little too wide."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ji4an/a_woman_got_stung_by_a_bee_on_the_golf_course/
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My extremely religious dad burst in

There I was, on my vinegar strokes, trembling, sweating and panting, phone in one hand cock in the other.
"Boy do you realise that sinning this way will strike you blind?" He screamed
"I'm over here dad" I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jhzke/my_extremely_religious_dad_burst_in/
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How do you measure a great misunderstanding?

In kiloWats

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jhzb4/how_do_you_measure_a_great_misunderstanding/
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The only thing Bill Cosby did wrong was pudding.

...pudding his dick where it doesn't belong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jhyqz/the_only_thing_bill_cosby_did_wrong_was_pudding/
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A priest goes golfing.

At the end of his sermons every single Sunday, a priest proclaims to his congregation that they should go out and do community service in the name of God. He then goes on even longer about how he is going to be feeding homeless people, building schools, etc etc, for the rest of the day. After the service is over, he actually goes and plays golf for the day.
And he does this routine every single Sunday.
After a few months of this, some angels who have been watching the priest get fed up and go to God about it. They say, "Hey God, so this guy has been lying to his congregation over and over again about how they should be helping people while he just plays golf, could you please curse him or something?" And He replies, "Alright , watch this."
The following Sunday, the priest goes through the same song and dance. He preaches about helping other people, then goes and plays golf. On the first hole, he hits the ball and he gets a hole in one! He's absolutely amazed by this, and goes to the next hole. This time, he hits way off, but the ball miraculously curves a full 90 degrees and goes straight into the hole again! The priest is even more amazed, he's never gotten a hole-in-one before, let alone two! As he goes through the course, he keeps getting hole-in-one after hole-in-one, ending his day with a full 18 holes-in-one! Feeling incredibly happy with himself, he goes home feeling great.
Meanwhile, the angels watching the priest go back to God once again. "What was that for!? He's been lying to his congregation over and over again, and you bless him with a prefect game of golf!?"
God replies, "Who's he gonna tell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jhyp0/a_priest_goes_golfing/
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I understand exponents

To a degree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jhyi0/i_understand_exponents/
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I can be the Taco Beast...

...If you're my Taco Belle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jhwej/i_can_be_the_taco_beast/
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jhtfd/a_woman_is_on_trial_for_beating_her_husband_to/
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Common synonyms of unemployed.

Writer, blogger, and activist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jho2b/common_synonyms_of_unemployed/
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So there were these politicians in a bus

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer heard the tragic crash, so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.
A few hours later, the local RCMP officer was driving past the farmer’s field, and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he’d gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled policeman. "Well, some of them said they weren’t," said the old farmer, "but you know how politicians like to lie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jhi4w/so_there_were_these_politicians_in_a_bus/
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath….

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jhhg4/mahatma_gandhi_as_you_know_walked_barefoot_most/
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My friend told me I didn't know the meaning of irony...

which was ironic since we were standing at a bus stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jhf1q/my_friend_told_me_i_didnt_know_the_meaning_of/
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I got a notice that a sex offender just moved in nearby and I'm worried for my children...

So I got them all pedometers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jhc97/i_got_a_notice_that_a_sex_offender_just_moved_in/
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Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jhaka/cardiologists_funeral/
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A Priest dies & is waiting in line at heavens gate...

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God to the guy : Who are you ?
Guy: I am an NYC cab driver.
God : Take this gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.
God to the Priest : Who are you ?
Priest : I am a priest & spent 40 years preaching good to people.
God : Take this cotton robe and enter heaven.
Priest : God, how come that foul mouthed, jerk off driver gets a gold robe when I spent all my life preaching good to get cotton.
God : Results, my son, results.
While you preached, people slept....when he drove, people really prayed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jhabg/a_priest_dies_is_waiting_in_line_at_heavens_gate/
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The European Commission

has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jh8dq/the_european_commission/
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Right and Wrong

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jh81y/right_and_wrong/
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How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

none. That's a hardware problem
but have you tried turning it on and off again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jh49k/how_many_it_guys_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I was offered a job building Egyptian tombs

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jh14e/i_was_offered_a_job_building_egyptian_tombs/
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I was in in the public restroom

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jh11q/i_was_in_in_the_public_restroom/
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how many screws hold together a lesbians bed?

None it's all tongue and groove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jgzmn/how_many_screws_hold_together_a_lesbians_bed/
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My grandpa has a heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jgxg1/my_grandpa_has_a_heart_of_a_lion/
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What is worse than ants in your pants?

.........  Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jgvmu/what_is_worse_than_ants_in_your_pants/
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When I die...

When I die, I hope it is peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in horror like his passengers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jgu6h/when_i_die/
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my friend told me onions are the only food that make you cry..

so I smacked him in the face with a watermelon.
<_<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jgmsl/my_friend_told_me_onions_are_the_only_food_that/
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An Instagram.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jgko5/how_much_does_a_hipster_weigh/
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God had asked Jesus and the Devil to type out their quarterly reviews...

They are almost finished when suddenly, the power goes out. When it comes back on and they reboot their desktops, the Devil's screen is blank while Jesus's reviews stayed intact. Frustrated, the Devil asks Jesus why he still has his reviews. Jesus's response, "Jesus saves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jgk9k/god_had_asked_jesus_and_the_devil_to_type_out/
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The best marriage jokes

A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. She got married again and that husband failed in bed. Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed." The next day, the doorbell rings.  There is a man with no arms and no legs. "Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says. "Tell me a little about you." "Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies. "How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks. He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jgixa/the_best_marriage_jokes/
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I hope that Jeb Bush chooses Dick Cheney as a running mate...

That way their campaign could be same Dick different Bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jgbhy/i_hope_that_jeb_bush_chooses_dick_cheney_as_a/
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Fred and Barney are standing next to the jukebox,...

Barney says, "Hey, Fred, what do you want to listen to? *Rock* music?"
Fred replies, "You know, Barney, just because we live in the stone age doesn't mean all your puns have to be rock-based. Besides, I have a very eclectic taste in music which better suites my personality."
Barney retorts, "Well gee, Fred, I wouldn't think any band would play music as tacky and outdated as your personality."
Fred rebutted enthusiastically, "Well yeah, but ABBA do!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jg8ds/fred_and_barney_are_standing_next_to_the_jukebox/
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What’s the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?

Phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jg76r/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_michael/
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I saw a midget escaping from jail the other day

He was looking down on me as he climbed down a rope.
I though to myself, that's a little con descending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jg6ve/i_saw_a_midget_escaping_from_jail_the_other_day/
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What do you call it when two guys open a weed dispensary?

A joint venture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jg6ty/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_guys_open_a_weed/
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Did Russell Crow feel bad after he ate his wife?

Nah! He was Gladiator!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jg4by/did_russell_crow_feel_bad_after_he_ate_his_wife/
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Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jg19z/fart_football/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

because North Korean missiles cant go that far

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jfup5/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
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So Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are locked in their final showdown...

...light sabers are flashing, the balance is delicate, but suddenly Luke knocks Darth's weapon away. As it's skidding out of reach, Luke moves in for the final blow. Quickly, Darth holds up a hand and says "Luke, wait! I need to tell you something". Luke, sensing a trap, asks why he should do such a thing. Darth replies, "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas." Slightly taken aback, Luke asks "How do you know that?". Darth replies "Luke, I felt your presents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jfu5b/so_luke_skywalker_and_darth_vader_are_locked_in/
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Where did Santa meet his wife?

Conjunction Junction. They specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jfu0p/where_did_santa_meet_his_wife/
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I got punched in the face by a hipster today...

I yelled "Bro, that's not cool!"
He replied, "not yet".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jfq0e/i_got_punched_in_the_face_by_a_hipster_today/
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Pool donations, what is up with that?

One day this guy came up to my front door asking for donations to the local pool, I told him I would be right back. I came back and handed him a glass a water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jfp5p/pool_donations_what_is_up_with_that/
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An Aer Lingus flight to New York takes off from Dublin...

Shortly after takeoff the Senior Air Hostess speaks over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen if I can have your attention for a moment. I regret to inform you that due to a mix up before takeoff, we do not have enough food for everyone on board. Our current stock is just 30 dinners. However we do have a fully stocked bar, so if anyone is willing to give up their dinner, we will happily supply them with alcoholic beverages, on the house, for the duration of the flight.
The attendants then proceed through the plane with the catering carts.
Afterwards, the Senior Air Hostess once again speaks over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen I would like to take a moment to thank you for your cooperation and inform you that we still have 30 dinners available on board for anyone who may be interested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jfl5j/an_aer_lingus_flight_to_new_york_takes_off_from/
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I thought chiropractors were a waste of money

But I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jfjg6/i_thought_chiropractors_were_a_waste_of_money/
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Wanna see an asshole wrapped in plastic?

Yeah? Ok, let me see your driver's license.
(My buddy's grandpa told me this back in high school the first time I met him.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jfh99/wanna_see_an_asshole_wrapped_in_plastic/
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Three women are sitting at a bar talking..

And they get on the subject of how loose their pussies are. The first one says she can stick 4 fingers in her pussy. The second one says she can fit a large cucumber in hers. The third one laughs and slides down the stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jfelq/three_women_are_sitting_at_a_bar_talking/
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I fell in love with a cannibal

And then she stole my heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jfbuf/i_fell_in_love_with_a_cannibal/
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Two old ladies are smoking and it starts to rain

Two old ladies are sitting outside of the nursing home, smoking a couple cigarettes and it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, snips the top and puts it around her cigarette. Confused, the other lady asked what she was doing. "Oh it keeps my cigarette dry when it starts to rain." The other old lady runs down to the drug store and asks the clerk where the condoms are. The clerk says, "well we have a few different kinds, what size did you need?" the old lady responds, "it doesn't matter, it just has to fit a camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jfbg1/two_old_ladies_are_smoking_and_it_starts_to_rain/
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A man approaches the ticket counter at a train station, and notices that he and the attendant have matching black eyes...

The man approaches the ticket counter, and says "Hey, look at that buddy, we've got matching shiners!  How'd you get yours?"
The ticket attendant replies, "Oh man, it's the damndest thing... this beautiful woman came up to the counter just SPILLING out of her shirt. Instead of saying 'Here's your ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said 'Here's your picket to Tittsburgh', and she sucker punched me. What's your story?"
"Well that is just eerie, almost the exact same thing happened to me!"
"No shit!" exclaimed the ticket attendant. "Do tell!"
"I was having breakfast this morning with my wife and I meant to say, 'Will you pass the milk, Brenda?' and I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life, you stupid bitch'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jf8rr/a_man_approaches_the_ticket_counter_at_a_train/
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Reason for Divorce

The other day at work I ran into Tom.
We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me.
"Rodney," he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce."
I was stunned.
"Why?
What happened, you two seem so happy together."
"Well," he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."
"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed.
"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jf7qf/reason_for_divorce/
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What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fsh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jf36e/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_eye/
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An older man is feeling a bit under the weather and goes to see the doctor.

His wife comes along, and after a full physical and a battery of tests, the doctor meets the two of them in his office. He makes small talk, tells the man he is fine, and then asks to speak with the wife privately. After the man leaves, the doctor turns to the wife and says, "Your husband is gravely ill. He may make it, but in order to get there, you've got to treat him well, spoil him, give him whatever he wants to eat, let him play golf whenever he wants, let him watch all the football he wants, make sure he doesn't have any stress at all, and most importantly, give him sex whenever he wants it."
The couple leaves, and as they are driving away, the man turns to his wife and says eagerly "Well, *what did he say?*"
After a long pause the wife looks at him and says, "You're gonna die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jezss/an_older_man_is_feeling_a_bit_under_the_weather/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jez3f/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife.

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough! But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!! Women, I just can't figure them out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jeun9/i_spent_5000_on_a_boob_job_for_the_wife/
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God speaks to a man... and tells him to go to Vegas.

A man is sitting behind his desk at home when suddenly a voice from the heavens booms down at him. "Go to Las Vegas," it says. The man, thoroughly intimidated by the voice, books the quickest ticket to Vegas. When he arrives, God speaks again. "Go to the blackjack table!" The man walks to the nearest blackjack table. God's next order: "Bet a hundred thousand dollars!" The man now hesitates. This is almost all of his saved up money. Without it, all of his savings would be gone. His wife and child would have nothing left. "Did I stutter?" God continues. Finally, the man relents and makes the bet. "Draw a card," the voice says. The man draws a ten. "Draw another card," God booms down. Another ten. Things are looking up. "Another card," the voice says. Startled, the man looks up. "Any card other than an ace, God, and I will lose everything, everything I've ever saved up for. My wife... my child..." "Draw the card!" the voice of God intones with fury. Shaken, the man draws the final card. It is, indeed, an ace.
"Un-fucking-believable," says God.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jeq3x/god_speaks_to_a_man_and_tells_him_to_go_to_vegas/
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Yesterday I saw a little kid who kept refusing to go home for a nap.

He was resisting a rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jepyb/yesterday_i_saw_a_little_kid_who_kept_refusing_to/
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Four older men go golfing together.

Three of them go down to the first hole to set up while the fourth goes into the clubhouse to pay their bill.  While waiting for the fourth man to return, the three men begin discussing their sons' successful careers.
The first man says, "My son started out as a detailer at a car dealership, but he's worked his way up to their lead salesman.  He makes so much money, he was able to give a friend two cars for free!"
Not to be outdone, the second man says, "My son started out as a temp at a real estate company, but he's worked his way up to their top realtor.  He makes so much money, he was able to give a friend a house for free!"
Also not to be outdone, the third man says, "My son started out as an assistant at a tax and accounting firm, but he's worked his way up to their top CPA.  He makes so much money, he was able to do a friend's tax return for free!"
At this point, the fourth man has joined his friends at the first hole.  The first three men ask him how his son is doing.  The fourth man sighs and says, "Actually, I just found out my son is gay.  I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, but he seems to be doing very well for himself:  his last three boyfriends gave him two cars, a house, and a tax return for free!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jeppw/four_older_men_go_golfing_together/
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How do you know a mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers are clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jepel/how_do_you_know_a_mechanic_just_had_sex/
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Little Johnny had a coffee can

The mailman saw Little Johnny sitting on the sidewalk with an old coffee can. He asked, "What do you have in that can there?"
Little Johnny replied, "Dog shit."
The mailman asked, "What are you going to do with a can full of dog shit?
Little Johnny answered, "I’m gonna make me a mailman!"
The mailman got pissed off and told a cop that there was a little kid causing trouble. The cop walked over to Little Johnny and asked, "What ya got in that can?"
Little Johnny replied, "Dog shit."
The cop asked, "Oh yeah? What're you gonna do with that?"
Little Johnny said, "I’m gonna make me a mailman."
The cop taunted, "Oh, you don’t have the balls to tell me you’re gonna make a cop?"
Little Johnny replied, "Nah, I'd need way more dog shit for that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jen7t/little_johnny_had_a_coffee_can/
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Man goes to a library asking for a book on suicide...

The librarian refuses. He asks why. The librarian replies 'Who'll return the book?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jeh2y/man_goes_to_a_library_asking_for_a_book_on_suicide/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walking.
............. JK rolling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jebfl/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
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My favorite way to respond to a knock-knock joke

Person: "Knock Knock"
Me: "Come in"
Person: "..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jeb5c/my_favorite_way_to_respond_to_a_knockknock_joke/
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Hipsters

I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3je9b2/hipsters/
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A little black boy is in the kitchen

all by himself and he decides to have a little fun. He takes a bag of flour out of the cabinet and pours it all over himself. A few seconds later his father comes "Boy, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" the father demands. The boy replied he just wanted to see what it would be like to be white. The Dad whoops his ass and tells him to get in his room. In his way through his Grand Mother sees what he did and asks him what he was thinking, he replied the same response. She whoops his ass and tells him to get in his room. Almost to his room in the hall his Sister comes out of the bathroom and asks him what he was thinking and sobbing now answered the same thing. She whoops his ass and tells him to get in his room. 20 minutes in his room his fater comes in and asks him what he learned. He yelled "I've only been white for 20 minutes and I already hate you fucking niggers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3je944/a_little_black_boy_is_in_the_kitchen/
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What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?

Between the two of us we can make a lot of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3je91o/what_did_the_blondes_left_leg_say_to_her_right_leg/
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A man and his GF are married in church... (NSFW)

The woman says 'before this goes any further, I will not have sex with a condom - if you want to have sex with me, you better be prepared to take care of a child for the rest of your life'.
The man at first is hesitant, but considering he didn't think he'd get a better wife, agreed.
The man goes to a bar, sill disappointed, knowing that if he has any more than about 4 kids, he'll go bankrupt. Suddenly, in a drunken moment, he has an idea - he rushes to the hospital, and says 'tie my tubes - i dont want to get my wife pregnant, and she says she wont do it with me if we have a condom'.
A few hours later, he wakes up, and has a slightly uncomfortable sensation - he asks what happened, and the doctor says 'we tied your tubes - you can no longer give sperm during sex'. Excited, the man runs home, and immediately gets in bed with his wife.
A year later, he goes to see the doctor - he says 'My wife got pregnant!'
'That's impossible!' says the doctor. 'We treated you! Do you want to have another operation to make sure!'
The man agrees, goes under for another few hours, and wakes up to feel even more uncomfortable. He then nails his wife again, and comes right back to the doctor's office.
'It's not working!' he shouts
The doctor replied in disbelief 'Impossible! Your vans deferns are tied off! You literally cannot send sperm through your penis!'
'Look man, I don't know if you're as good a doctor as you say you are, but from what I saw, getting your tubes tied doesn't stop pregnancy, it just darkens the baby's skin colour!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3je86g/a_man_and_his_gf_are_married_in_church_nsfw/
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There's a Mexican, An American and a Canadian on a blimp...

The blimp starts falling out of the sky, so the three men start throwing anything they brought that they don't need.
The Canadian says, "there's too many of these in my country," and throws a bunch of hockey sticks out of the blimp.
The Mexican says, "There's too many of these in my country," and throws out his sombrero.
The American says, "There's too many of these in my country,"...
And throws the Mexican off the blimp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3je6jk/theres_a_mexican_an_american_and_a_canadian_on_a/
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Three nuns are sitting on a bench when

a flasher revealed himself to them. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, and the third nun couldn't reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3je3r0/three_nuns_are_sitting_on_a_bench_when/
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A man was at the bar one night...

He had a few too many when he saw three obese girls come up to the bartender and order some drinks. The man noticed they had strong accents, which grabbed his attention.
The women were there for a while and were quite loud and a bit rude. Feeling rather buzzed, the man looked over to the girls and said "Hi, um, are you girls from Scotland?" One of them spoke up, with a loud, nasty attitude and said "It’s WALES you idiot!!!"
The man apologized with a little slur and said "I'm so sorry, are you Whales from Scotland?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3je2lv/a_man_was_at_the_bar_one_night/
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Ten years ago I gave up alcohol and women...

it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
-George Best

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3je1xu/ten_years_ago_i_gave_up_alcohol_and_women/
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So there's two guys out hunting...

Suddenly, one of them, Dave, has a heart attack and falls over. The other guy, Tom, calls 911.
"Holy shit, I think my friend just had a heart attack and died!" he says.
The operator says, "okay, first I need you to make sure he's really dead."
after a few moments, the operator hears a gunshot.
"Now what?" says Tom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3je1cl/so_theres_two_guys_out_hunting/
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Two deer walk out of a gay bar...

One deer turns to the other and say, "man, I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jdz7k/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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Christians have the first name Christian, Muslims Mohammed, Jews Isaac, what boys name do atheist have?

Godfrey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jdxtk/christians_have_the_first_name_christian_muslims/
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(Dad joke) How much did is cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buck-an-ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jdvqi/dad_joke_how_much_did_is_cost_the_pirate_to_get/
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What is a dentist's favorite dinosaur?

A Flossiraptor!
I'll just show myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jdr8f/what_is_a_dentists_favorite_dinosaur/
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Five year old Johnny is walking with his father through the fields.

Johnny sees a patch of buttercups and stomps on them. His father says "Johnny, that's not a nice thing to do. Buttercups are beautiful and smell nice. So for you to learn a lesson, no butter for a year." Johnny looks sad and they carry on. Then Johnny sees a honeybee, runs and stomps on it. His father, ever so calm says "Johnny, that is not very nice. Bees make honey and we all love it. For your lesson, no honey for a year."
When they arrive at home, just as his father opens the door, they hear a scream from Johnny's mother and see her step on a cockroach.
Johnny looks up at his dad and says " Dad, are you going to tell her of should I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jdq1j/five_year_old_johnny_is_walking_with_his_father/
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A blonde walks in to find her boyfriend cheating on her....

* Blonde: Why?!
* Boyfriend: I CAN EXPLAIN!
* Blonde: (Pulls out gun and aims it at her own head)
* Boyfriend: No honey don't do it!
* Blonde: SHUT UP, You're next

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jdq0x/a_blonde_walks_in_to_find_her_boyfriend_cheating/
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I was at a bar last night...

And the waitress screamed "Anyone know CPR?"
I yelled out, "Hell, I know the whole damn alphabet!"
Everyone laughed.... well except for one guy.
(say this on another site, just sharing)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jdpmr/i_was_at_a_bar_last_night/
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A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...

...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it." This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say "well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs." The husband say "don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed."
Joke my 95 year old grandpa told me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jdoac/a_wife_asks_her_husband_if_she_were_to_die_would/
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What do you call fish that taste two times as salty?

2Na

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jdktk/what_do_you_call_fish_that_taste_two_times_as/
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How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask?

He's force fed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jdfys/how_does_darth_vader_manage_to_eat_through_that/
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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis [cough], father [ah], ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jdf94/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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So apparently the guy who played Wolverine had a pet sea cow, but it was murdered...

It was a crime against Hugh's manatee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jddmu/so_apparently_the_guy_who_played_wolverine_had_a/
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There is a bear chasing a rabbit through the forrest...

They are neck and neck and the bear is almost able to catch the rabbit when he spots a magic lamp. The bear comes to a stop and rubs the lamp with all his might. A genie pops out and says he will grant three wishes to both the rabbit, and the bear. The bear goes first.
"I wish I was the only male bear in this whole forest."
And he was. The bear was excited and let the rabbit take his turn.
The rabbit says:
"I wish I had a helmet that fits my head perfectly and leaves room for my ears."
Poof he had a helmet. The bear gives him a weird look but goes for his second wish.
"I wish I was the only male bear in this entire continent!"
Poof he is the only male bear. Now the bear is really excited because he has a lot of work to do.
The rabbit takes his second turn.
"I wish I had a motorbike faster than this bear."
Poof he has a bike snd hes revving the engine. The bear is utterly confused but takes his third turn anyways.
"I wish I was the only male bear in the whole entire world!"
Poof. He is the only male bear in the world. The bear is beyond excited and cannot stand to wait any longer.
"Hurry up rabbit!" He exclaims, so the rabbit takes his last turn.
"I wish this male bear was gay."
Then he rides off on his motorcycle, never to be caught by the bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jdb12/there_is_a_bear_chasing_a_rabbit_through_the/
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Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, “There is a easy way to get what you want.”

The other boy said, “How?” the boy replied, “Tell people you know their secret.”
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, “I know your secret!” The dad replies, “Please don’t tell your mom heres $10.”
The boy then runs to his mom, “I know your secret!” The mom said, “Please don’t tell your dad here’s $15.”
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, “I know your secret!” The mail man opened his arms and said, “Come, give your dad a hug!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jdab3/two_boys_were_talking_and_the_one_said_to_the/
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I went to a bookstore the other day ...

After wandering around for a while, an employee in a colored apron approached me.
"Can I help you find anything, sir?"
"Oh, yes. Sure. I'm looking for a book about turtles."
"Hardback?" she inquired.
"Yep, and little heads."
---
Retelling of a joke by Mark Simmons.
From a list of puns published here: http://chronicle.com/blogs/linguafranca/2015/09/02/best-linguistic-jokes-of-the-2015-fringe/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jda7m/i_went_to_a_bookstore_the_other_day/
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POLICE ROADBLOCK

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jd5w7/police_roadblock/
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I just heard an old man tell this joke on live radio...

- Knock, Knock
- Who's there?
- Little Boy Blew
- Little Boy Blue, who?
- Jared, from Subway, that's who

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jd5a0/i_just_heard_an_old_man_tell_this_joke_on_live/
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Why are there only 49 entrants in the Ms. Black USA competition?

Nobody wants to be I-da-ho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jd2e7/why_are_there_only_49_entrants_in_the_ms_black/
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Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11 mph.

He thinks to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the
front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jd1y1/waiting_between_bishop_stortford_and_harlow_to/
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My dentist offered to give me dentures for only a dollar.

It sounded like a good deal at the time, but now I have buck teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jd1ex/my_dentist_offered_to_give_me_dentures_for_only_a/
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A son asks his father "dad what is politics?"

Dad said "look, i bring the money home so i am the capitalist. Your mother administrates the money so she is the government. Your Grandpa watches everything so he is the Union. Our maid is the working class. We all want your well being. So you are the people and your brother in the nappy is the future.The father then asks the son if he understood everything and the son said he will think it over the night.At night the son's kid brother made unbearable smell from his nappy and was crying. The son not knowing what to do went to his mother who was sleeping. His dad was not there. He in no way could wake his mother up. So he went to the maids room to ask for help and there he saw his father and the maid having sex while his grandpa was secretly watching them.No one even realised the boy standing in front of them. So not knowing what to do the son went to sleep without being able to solve his problem.
The dad asked the son the next day if he understood what politics means. So the son says "Yeah. The Capitalist are those who abuse the working class while the union watch them without doing anything. The government is always sleeping. The people are completely ignored and the future is shit. That is what i understand by politics!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jd0be/a_son_asks_his_father_dad_what_is_politics/
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Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf...

Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf.
Jesus hits his ball out into the lake, walks out on the water then chips the ball back on to the green.
Moses wasn't going to be outdone so he hits his ball way the hell out into the middle of the lake; then he parts the water, walks out and then chips his ball back on to the green.
The old guy hits his ball out towards the center of the lake; just as the ball is about to hit the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in it's mouth, just as the fish is about to land back in the water, an eagle swoops down, picks up the fish, flys over to the hole; shakes the fish and the ball falls right in the hole.
Jesus says "Come on dad! stop fucking around and play golf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jcyia/jesus_moses_some_old_guy_are_playing_golf/
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jcyh5/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whose_whole_left_side/
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Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room

The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jcxs4/chuck_norris_has_a_grizzly_bear_carpet_in_his_room/
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A blonde is driving her car and hears blonde joke after blonde joke on the radio.

She is quite pissed.
Just then, she drives by anoyher blonde rowong a boat in the middle of a lawn.
Infuriated, she slams on the brakes and gets out of her car.
"You goddamn fuckwit!" she yells,"you are the kind of blonde that gives us bad names! If I could swim, I'd fucking kill you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jcwtn/a_blonde_is_driving_her_car_and_hears_blonde_joke/
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Do you know what is "Deja POO" ?

It's the feeling that you've heard this crap before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jcrtu/do_you_know_what_is_deja_poo/
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When Arwen and Aragorn got married...

was Frodo designated to be the Ring bearer?
*edit Thanks Kikifoun_Unui...
not my main language T_T

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jclup/when_arwen_and_aragorn_got_married/
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A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator...

And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.
The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."
The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"
No offense anyone...hehe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jclt1/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_on_an_elevator/
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If a man says something in the woods and there is not a woman to hear it, is he still wrong?

I was going to post this is in /r/philosophy but I think we all agree on the same answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jcj3e/if_a_man_says_something_in_the_woods_and_there_is/
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jchy3/a_child_asked_his_father_how_were_people_born/
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention

, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jcgwy/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class_and_she_sees_that/
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Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jcciq/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
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Did you hear how they caught the guy who burgled Will Smith's house?

Fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jc49v/did_you_hear_how_they_caught_the_guy_who_burgled/
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What's the difference between an oral and anal thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jc2se/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_and_anal/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a framed picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail for the frame

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jc1zx/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_framed/
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An snobby woman stops at a local diner while traveling...

and orders a coffee. Trying to start a conversation, the waitress asks, "So, where are you from?"
"Where I am from, we do not end sentences with prepositions." the woman replies.
The waitress apologizes and tries again, "So, where are you from, Bitch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jc1vt/an_snobby_woman_stops_at_a_local_diner_while/
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What's the best thing about punching twenty one years olds?

There's twenty of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jbwyn/whats_the_best_thing_about_punching_twenty_one/
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I'd like to drown my sorrows.

But I can't convince my wife to go swimming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jbwhk/id_like_to_drown_my_sorrows/
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Did you hear about the woman who drowned in semen?

She had it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jbveb/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_drowned_in_semen/
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

Pork Chop!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jbsxl/what_do_you_call_a_pig_that_does_karate/
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Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...

...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She yelled, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
Better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!”
Then POOF! she was gone!
After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Bill, where are you?”
Bill yells back, “I’m over here in the pussywillows.”
Joe shouts back, ‘DON’T SWING, BILL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T SWING !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jbss4/joe_was_heading_towards_the_end_of_a_round_of_golf/
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Not fucked yet.

Once upon a time there was a young man hiking through the woods. As he was gaily skipping through a path he suddenly started to hear footsteps approaching. The footsteps came closer until the trees finally disclosed a group of twenty natives with spears carrying a fat man and his fat kid on a throne. The man was eating a human leg while his son was eating some human ribs.THEY WHERE CANNIBALS.
"I'm fucked" the young hiker hopelessly thought. However, at that same moment the clouds opened up and the hand of god appeared and said "No son, you are still not fucked. Steal the spear from one of the guards and put it through the fat kid's forehead". The man was aware that this plan did not sound effective, but he wanted to live and knew that god had to know what he was doing so he trusted him. He ran towards the closest guard, stole his spear, and shot it towards the fatkid's forehead, killing him instantly. The sky opened up again, "NOW you are fucked son".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jbgmb/not_fucked_yet/
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Did you know princess diana was on the radio during her car accident?

She was also on the dash, windshield and the hood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jbg6n/did_you_know_princess_diana_was_on_the_radio/
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Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jbe27/sunday_morning_sex/
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Three girls die and go to heaven...

They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jbc6x/three_girls_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jas2j/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
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A tourist in Amsterdam sees a prostitute in a window

He taps on the glass and says "How much?"
"Two hundred and fifty euros," she responds.
"Wow! I never realized it was so expensive"
"Well of course it's expensive, it's shatter-proof!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jarxl/a_tourist_in_amsterdam_sees_a_prostitute_in_a/
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A woman is lying in bed with her lover

"You should leave, my husband can come back home any minute now."
"Don't worry, whenever we hear the doorbell ring I will jump out of the window."
"Are you crazy? It's 11th floor."
"Everything is arranged. I asked my friends to stretch out and hold a big canvas for me to jump on."
Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Without a second thought, the lover quickly jumps out of the bed and leaps through the window. The woman stands up and opens the door where she sees an impatient man standing.
"I'm sorry, mam. Could you tell Bill that we coudn't find the canvas?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jaop8/a_woman_is_lying_in_bed_with_her_lover/
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What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?

You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jafrd/whats_the_difference_between_a_trampoline_and_a/
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There are two reasons I don't give money to the homeless

1. They use it for drugs and alcohol.
2. I need it for drugs and alcohol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jaf5n/there_are_two_reasons_i_dont_give_money_to_the/
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The Little Rascals do some spelling

The Little Rascals are sitting in class one day when the teacher decides it's time to do some spelling. She says "okay students it's time to spell our word of the day.  Today's word is DICTATE.  Who thinks they can spell it?"
Spanky, being the leader that he is, raises his hand first "I can teacher!"
-"Ok spanky, go ahead"
-"Dictate.  D-y-c.."
The teacher interrupts him and says "sorry Spanky but that's incorrect.  Anyone else?"
-"I think I can!" proclaims Alfalfa.
-"Alright Alfalfa, go ahead" says teacher.
-"Dictate.  D-i-t-c.."
Again, teacher interrupts Alfalfa "sorry Alfalfa but that's also incorrect.  "Anybody else?"
-"I'll try" says Buckwheat.
-"Alright Buckwheat go ahead" says the teacher
-Buckwheat starts "Dictate. D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
-"Good job Buckwheat!" says the teacher.  "Now can you use it in a sentence?"
Buckwheat thinks for a moment then looks over at Darla and says
"HEY DARLA! HOW MY DICTATE LAST NIGHT???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jaelk/the_little_rascals_do_some_spelling/
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A couple are having dinner in an upscale restaurant

A beautiful young woman walks up to their table, kisses the man on the cheek, runs her hand down his arm, says, "See you later, sweetheart," and walks away.
The wife is stunned. "Who was that?"
"Oh, that was Janine. She's my mistress."
"That's it! I'm not going to let you humiliate me like this. I want a divorce."
"Don't be hasty, dear. I love you very much, and want to stay together. She's just harmless entertainment."
"I'm serious."
"Think about it for a minute. We have a prenup, and it's airtight. If we divorce, you won't be broke, but there certainly won't be any more shopping trips to Paris, or private jets, or staff at your beck and call. You'll have to pick one house and stick to it."
She doesn't say anything for a while, then she notices a friend of theirs across the room.
"Isn't that Steve from the club?"
"Yes, I believe it is."
"Who's he with?"
"Looks like that's his mistress, Laura."
"Ours is prettier."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jae8e/a_couple_are_having_dinner_in_an_upscale/
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I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.

I nearly fell out of my tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jadn3/i_heard_this_girl_talking_about_how_much_she/
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Why do rapists make great salesmen?

They just can't take no for an answer.
For the record I don't condone rape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jadgf/why_do_rapists_make_great_salesmen/
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My friend asked, "What's the most awkward thing you've said during orgasm?"

I thought for a second and said, "Probably...You're better than my girlfriend,"
"Wow," he laughed, "What did she say?"
I said, "Nothing, dead people don't talk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jaa21/my_friend_asked_whats_the_most_awkward_thing/
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What gun would Jesus outlaw first?

A nail gun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ja1cq/what_gun_would_jesus_outlaw_first/
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A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...

He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.
The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"
The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."
"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."
The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j9vdh/a_doctor_checks_on_two_roommates_in_an_insane/
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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans.

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j9sm1/a_mother_shark_is_teaching_her_young_how_to_eat/
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My hamster died at the weekend...

... he fell asleep at the wheel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j9sfw/my_hamster_died_at_the_weekend/
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I went to a strawberry picking competition the other day, a woman with no arms and legs won it.

Jammy cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j9p3o/i_went_to_a_strawberry_picking_competition_the/
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Why can't blind people bungee jump?

Because it scares the fuck out of the dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j9o44/why_cant_blind_people_bungee_jump/
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Screw anyone

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."
He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j9naw/screw_anyone/
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A guy walks into a Urologist's office

"So what seems to be the problem?"
"Well, doctor, I have this very young, very sexually demanding wife, and she just can't seem to keep her hands off of me. As soon as I come home from work she drags me to bed and pounces on me, and after dinner it's round two. Otherwise she's restless and can't get to sleep. She likes to wake me up with a handjob, too, because she's afraid that if she doesn't sexually exhaust me I might start looking at other women.
Well, the thing is, every morning I get on the same train to work, and there's this redhead that takes the same one every day. About a year ago we started talking, and one thing lead to another and now we sneak into the bathroom every morning and bang each other's brains out.
So when I get to the office, you see, I've got this new lady boss that's really tough on the staff; as soon as she took over she started laying people off left and right. But the thing is she seems to have a sweet spot for me, and started calling me into her office and asking me to perform some pretty awkward tasks until we just started to full-on bang each other, and now I'm scared I'll lose my job if I try to break it off.
So by lunch time I'm usually pretty tired, but the thing is, there's this really sweet blonde that works at the diner I like to go to, and she's always so nice and cheerful, and always slips me a piece of cake, on the house. It's carrot cake, too, and you see, I like carrot cake, so I thought it'd be kind of rude to tell her no when she started coming on to me. So now every day at lunch time, we have a quickie in alley behind."
The doctor, now unable to hide his irritation, barked:
"Okay, so what seems to be the problem?"
"Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j9m7m/a_guy_walks_into_a_urologists_office/
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My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war.

We could never get him to talk about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j9kmj/my_grandfather_had_his_tongue_shot_off_in_the_war/
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Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement...

... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j9glz/listening_to_your_wife_is_like_reading_itunes/
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Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license?

Because it means they *cantaloupe*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j9btg/why_were_the_melons_upset_when_they_were_denied_a/
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Why was the redhead in so much pain?

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j99ry/why_was_the_redhead_in_so_much_pain/
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A man is standing on a street corner when a funeral procession drives by.

It consisted of 2 hearses, followed by a man with a small dog on a leash and he was followed by a long line of men in single file.
He asked the man with the small dog;
"Whose in the first hearse?"
"My wife," the man replied.
"What happened to her?" he asked.
"Dog killed her."
"Whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother in law."
"What happened to her?"
"Dog killed her."
"That dog?"
"Yup," he said.
"Can I borrow him."
"Get in line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j98bb/a_man_is_standing_on_a_street_corner_when_a/
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A woman playing golf

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him  tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken" 😜😜

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j9265/a_woman_playing_golf/
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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j91xl/an_ugly_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_a_beautiful/
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How did Skrillex get Potassium Hydroxide all over the floor?

He dropped the base.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j919k/how_did_skrillex_get_potassium_hydroxide_all_over/
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Donald, Scott, Ted & a Mexican guy are walking on a beach...

Donald Trump, Scott Walker, Ted Cruz & a Mexican guy are walking along a beach when They notice a lamp in the sand.  All 4 men reach for it at the same time.
Upon touching it, a genie pops out.  The genie says: "Normally, I'd grant 3 wishes to one person, but since you've all touched the lamp at the same time, I'll give you each one wish."
The genie asks Donald, "What's your wish?"  Without hesitation, Trump says: "I want a wall; a massive wall! 600 feet high, 50 feet thick of solid steel along the southern border; nothing get's in; nothing gets out."
*snap* goes the genie's fingers, Donald disappears as the genie says "done".
He then turns to Scott Walker: "What's your wish?"  Walker thinks for a minute then asks "How high were his walls?" "600 feet" replied the genie. "and how think?" "50 feet thick" said the genie.. "Nothing get's in - Nothing get's out?" asked Walker... "Nothing in; Nothing out" replied the genie. "Fine, I want a wall like that along the Northern border"
*snap" goes the genie's fingers, Scott disappears as the genie says "done".
He turns to Ted Cruz and asks him the same thing; "What's your wish?"
Cruz thinks for a moment then asks about the height and thickness of the walls once again "600 feet high, 50 feet thick; nothing in - nothing out" came the reply.  "Fine" said Cruz, "I'd like walls like that on the eastern and western coasts"; and just to not be outdone by Trump & Walker, he added "and I want all the illegal's out of my country before the walls go up".
*snap* goes the genie's fingers, Cruz disappears as the genie says "done".
He then turns to the Mexican guy.. "What's your wish?"
The Mexican guy says "How high were the walls?"; "600 feet" came the reply.  "and how thick?" asked the Mexican guy.  "50 feet thick" replied the genie.  "And they were made of solid steel right?"; "Yes" said the genie.  "Nothing get's in; nothing get's out?"  "That's right."; said the genie.
"Awesome" said the Mexican guy; "Fill it with fucking water!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j8yz7/donald_scott_ted_a_mexican_guy_are_walking_on_a/
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.  "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim.  Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact,  He got out three times to pee"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j8yp0/brenda_omalley_is_home_making_dinner_as_usual/
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How did Nazi's pickup Jewish Women?

With a dust pan and broom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j8x2r/how_did_nazis_pickup_jewish_women/
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What do you call a clown that gives you flowers?

A Romantic Jester!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j8wc9/what_do_you_call_a_clown_that_gives_you_flowers/
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Well, well, well...

Welcome to stutter class.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j8vka/well_well_well/
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Why are 9/11 victims the best readers?

They can go through 94 stories in seconds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j8j2h/why_are_911_victims_the_best_readers/
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I got accused yesterday of "plagiarism!!!"

Their words, not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j8hhe/i_got_accused_yesterday_of_plagiarism/
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[NSFW]What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j8g0c/nsfwwhats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
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Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books.

Which I get because I am an athlete that rarely moves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j8bm8/kanye_said_he_is_an_intellectual_who_doesnt_read/
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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shite, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.  "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j8ae6/into_a_belfast_pub_comes_paddy_murphy_looking/
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What did the sign on the whore house door say?

Beat it, we're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j86h6/what_did_the_sign_on_the_whore_house_door_say/
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Rich people and poor people

One day, a financially successful enough father decides to take his son to the countryside to show him how poor some people may happen to be in contrast to them, who live in a nice house in the suburbs of a big city. Like this, his son could understand the value of things, and how lucky he is.
So they went to the countryside and spent one day and one night in a simple countryside home. On the road back home, the father asked his son:
"So, what did you think of this little trip?"
"It was great, Dad!"
"Did you see how poor some people are?"
"Yes."
"And so what did you see during the trip?"
"I saw that we have one dog, they have four. We have a pool at home, they live by a beautiful lake. The street lamps give us light in our garden, whereas they get the light of a million stars. Our backyard's end is at the fence, theirs as far as the eye can see. And finally, I saw they had the time to talk to each other and live like a happy family. You and Mum, however, work all day and I barely see you."
The father just keeps driving without a word, and the kid adds:
"Thanks, Dad, for showing me how rich we could be..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j7tsq/rich_people_and_poor_people/
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If Russia were to invade Turkey from behind...

Do you think Greece would help?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j7riq/if_russia_were_to_invade_turkey_from_behind/
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The joke about the museum guide

Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?"
Guide: "70,000,006 years."
Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?"
Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
💀🎷💀🎷
[Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinteresting/comments/3j3i7l/this_salt_is_more_than_280_million_years_old_but/cum4pdc)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j7r2i/the_joke_about_the_museum_guide/
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So God says to Adam in the garden of Eden...

...what's wrong my son?
I'm very sad and lonely God, I wish I had a companion.
So god says: I will make you the perfect companion; she will always be faithful, beautiful, will never get fat, will always be there for you, will never talk back to you and always obey you.
Adam says: That's amazing God, sounds like the perfect companion. What's the catch?
Son I will need one of you balls to make her.
Adam thinks long and hard...after several minutes he asks God:
What can I get for a rib?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j7ovr/so_god_says_to_adam_in_the_garden_of_eden/
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A plane full of soccer (football) players crashes in a desert. There are 5 survivors. Hunger gets to them and time is running out.

Ultimately they all agree to eat the first person to die and give the body parts of the deceased's body to the player in the team with a similar name to the body part. After three days a player from Celtic dies due to an inflammatory bowel. The 1st player is from Manchester & claims his chest & torso as agreed, the 2nd is from Liverpool & takes his Liver & heart & the 3rd player that is from from Tottenham takes his legs. The 4th player had not taken his share yet. The player from Liverpool yells out to him "sucks ta be in Arsenal right now doesn't it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j7h4m/a_plane_full_of_soccer_football_players_crashes/
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PSA: Always tip your prostitutes.

Small tips are fine. That's what they get paid for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j7grz/psa_always_tip_your_prostitutes/
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This Clever Elderly Woman Calls The Hospital Read.

A friend of mine just share this joke. Here’s a little something to put a smile on your face:
An elderly lady calls the hospital to check on a patient. What she ends up doing is as brilliant as it is funny!
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital.
She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”
The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.”
That’s an excellent example of taking matters into your own hands!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j7gdy/this_clever_elderly_woman_calls_the_hospital_read/
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Here is an easy way to tell a Chinese girl from a Japanese girl

The Japanese girl has pixels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j7drh/here_is_an_easy_way_to_tell_a_chinese_girl_from_a/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j79sv/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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Two lawyers are in a bank

, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"
To which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j71g2/two_lawyers_are_in_a_bank/
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A guy goes in an adult store...

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?”
The customer says, “Female”
The counter guy asks, “Black or white?”
The customer says, “White”
The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?”
The customer says, “What the hell does religion have to do with it?”
The counter guy says, “The Muslim one blows itself up!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j70s5/a_guy_goes_in_an_adult_store/
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What's similar between Gump and Trump?

They are both mentally challenged and "just felt like runnin'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j6sdw/whats_similar_between_gump_and_trump/
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My friend David had his ID stolen the other day

Now we just call him Dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j6r57/my_friend_david_had_his_id_stolen_the_other_day/
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My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j6iez/my_ex_wife_died_so_i_went_to_the_cemetery_and_to/
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I asked my professor how long my paper should be. He said it should be like a woman's skirt...

Long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j6c38/i_asked_my_professor_how_long_my_paper_should_be/
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A man dies and arrives in hell...

The devil greets him " Welcome, choose your torment for the next 1000 years, Muhahahahaha!"
"What are my choices?" The man asks timorously.
" Go  to each of the three brimstone caves and choose which you would endure!" Replies the devil.
In the first cave the man sees people being whipped while being forced to dig an endless pit, in the second, he sees people being strung up by chains and tortured, in the third one he sees bill clinton lying on the floor and a lady giving him a blowjob.
He returns to the master of darkness and says "I'll take the 3rd one."
The devil says " Alright, monica, this guy's taking over for you now "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j6ba5/a_man_dies_and_arrives_in_hell/
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Last night I woke up and saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor...

... at first I was afraid, I was petrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j69rr/last_night_i_woke_up_and_saw_the_ghost_of_gloria/
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Who is the biggest slut in the whole wide world?

Mrs. pacman.
For 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j66iv/who_is_the_biggest_slut_in_the_whole_wide_world/
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Yo' momma so fat ...

... I pictured her in my head, and bitch broke my neck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j654c/yo_momma_so_fat/
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I'm just kidding!

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j64q5/im_just_kidding/
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A drunk walks into a pet store

. . . and leans heavily on the counter. "Gimmie a shot of Jim Beam," he slurs to the clerk.
"I, I'm sorry, sir," says the clerk, "you must be mistaken. This is a--"
"Goddamnit, I wanna (hic) drink, you can't tell me what mzmblrf kn izzenuf!" shouts the drunk, slamming his fist on the counter.
Blinking, the clerk reaches behind him, and hands the drunk a little brown turtle. "Please, sir; take this. I hope it will make you happy." The drunk stares at the turtle a moment, belches, and shuffles out, singing.
Next night the same thing happens: Drunk shambles into the pet store, orders a drink; clerk attempts to explain the incompatible nature of the establishment; incoherent shouting, etc. Thinking it might work again, the clerk hands the drunk another little brown turtle. The drunk gives a little grunt, nods, and lists irregularly out of the store.
Third night it happens again. This time the clerk's prepared. As the drunk stumbles up to the counter, the clerk raises his hand. "I'm so sorry, sir, I can't pour you a drink, but please accept this instead." Having sold the last turtle earlier in the day, he instead hands the drunk a tiny baby mouse.
The drunk stares at it for a moment. "Whassis?"
"It's a baby mouse. Keep it safe and warm and it will grow into a friend."
The drunk thinks about this, then puts the mouse down on the counter. "Don't wanna mouse," he says.
"Gimmie 'nother one of them roast beef sandwiches on a hard roll."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j64l0/a_drunk_walks_into_a_pet_store/
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A boy and his grandpa are sitting on the porch...

Grandpa is sipping on a glass of whiskey when the boy asks him for a drink.
Grandpa asks, "Can you touch your dick to your asshole, boy?"
"No.", the boy replies. "Then no, you can't have any"
A few minutes later the boy comes back out and grandpa is smoking a cigar.
"Can I have a puff of your cigar, grandpa?"
Grandpa asks again, "Can you touch your dick to your asshole, boy?"
"I already told you I can't, grandpa", the boy replies and goes back in the house.
A few minutes later the boy comes back with a plate of cookies.
"Gimme one of them cookies, boy", grandpa demands.
"Can you touch your dick to your asshole, grandpa?"
"Well, as a matter of fact I can, boy."
"Good. Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j642d/a_boy_and_his_grandpa_are_sitting_on_the_porch/
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what do you call a racist Mexican

a member of the que que que

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j6310/what_do_you_call_a_racist_mexican/
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What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after?

The Weasley twins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j60kt/what_walks_on_eight_legs_until_the_age_of_one/
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide...

is it a hostage situation?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j5vjj/if_someone_with_multiple_personalities_threatens/
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Two Italian men get on a train...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j5seu/two_italian_men_get_on_a_train/
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Kid at the museum

Kid: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?"
Guide: "70,000,006 years."
Kid: "Wow. How can you be so exact?"
Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j5n66/kid_at_the_museum/
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What did the frog with internet addiction say?

Reddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j5kyh/what_did_the_frog_with_internet_addiction_say/
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A pilot is talking on the intercom as his flight takes off...

After finishing his review of the departing flight, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom. He turns to his co-pilot and let's out a sigh, "man, I could really use a coffee and a blowjob right now". A stewardess in the rear of the plane hears the comment, and begins rushing down the isle to warn the pilot the intercom is still on. While passing by, one of the passengers shouts out, "Don't forget the coffee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j5jrw/a_pilot_is_talking_on_the_intercom_as_his_flight/
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Do you want to join the "P" club?

Congratulations, ur-ine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j5jin/do_you_want_to_join_the_p_club/
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A friend of mine wanted me to make him a belt out of watches...

...I told him it would be a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j5gyk/a_friend_of_mine_wanted_me_to_make_him_a_belt_out/
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What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just killed?

Isaac Newton died a virgin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j56uk/whats_the_difference_between_isaac_newton_and_the/
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So a vegan sits down at a bar...

I only know that because he won't shut the fuck up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j54rd/so_a_vegan_sits_down_at_a_bar/
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A man enters into a Mexican bar

He sits himself down on a stool, and orders a shot of tequila. After a few of them, he notices a jar full of pesos. He immediately asks the barman what is the point behind the jar, but the barman replies that to tell him he must put 100 pesos in the jar himself to get to know what is point behind the jar. The man ignores this request and just orders a couple of more tequila shots.
Shot after a shot, the man starts getting a bit drunk and decides to go ahead with putting 100 pesos in the jar to see what it is all about. The barman comes close to the man and tells him that in order to get all the money in the jar, he must do three things.
Firstly, he must drink a full bottle of tequila in one go without flinching. Secondly, he must remove an aching tooth from the pitbull in the backyard. Thirdly, he must go upstairs and shag an 85 year old woman. The man asked the barman to hand him the tequila bottle and thus, the challenge was accepted.
The man downed the whole bottle without flinching once. As soon as he was done, he was fully knackered. He asked the barman where he needs to go to pull out the tooth off the dog. The barman points him toward the direction and off the man goes. All of a sudden, the barman starts hearing barking, shouting, yelling, swearing, growling and whimpering. After about 20 minutes or so, the man walks in, with his clothes all torn up and bloody, with scratches and bites all over his body.
The man then looks at the barman and asks him, "Where did you say is the old woman again, so I could go and pull out her tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j51wm/a_man_enters_into_a_mexican_bar/
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I once saw a black man walking down the street carrying a tv...

...And i thought to myself "huh, that one looks a lot like mine." Then I remembered mine was at home, shining my shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j4zkv/i_once_saw_a_black_man_walking_down_the_street/
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2 village idiots are walking...

...in the woods in December. They spend long hours there, seemingly looking at the trees. As time goes by, they argue more and more. Finally, at sunset, one tells the other:
"Look, I don't care if the next one doesn't have any decorations, we're taking it for Christmas!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j4ybl/2_village_idiots_are_walking/
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"Remember," said my boss, "It takes 20 years to build a reputation..."

"...And only a few seconds to say I had sex with your daughter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j4wls/remember_said_my_boss_it_takes_20_years_to_build/
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A guy is walking along the beach when he sees a woman with no arms or legs...

Lying on the sand, crying. He walks over to her and asks, "what's wrong?"
"I've never been kissed before" she says.
Looking left and right, he notices they are the only ones there.
Seeing they are alone, He leans in and kisses her. He then takes a look at her, seeing a bright smile on her face.
The man then goes off into the water to swim. After a few minutes in the water, he takes a glance at the woman and notices her crying again.
He stumbles out of the ocean and asks again, "what's wrong?"
She hesitates, and says "I never gave a guy a blowjob."
The guy looks at her, intrigued... Again, the guy looks left and right, seeing no one for miles.
So he drops his swim shorts. In a matter of minutes, the guy finishes and leaves into the cool ocean, pleased.
After a few minutes in the water, he looks over his shoulder and sees the girl crying again.
He gets out of the water, annoyed and asks, "what's wrong now?"
She looks up at him with confidence, and says, "I want you to fuck me."
Without hesitation, he grabs her and throws her into the water and yells, "Well, you're fucked now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j4uls/a_guy_is_walking_along_the_beach_when_he_sees_a/
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The worst day ever.

A scrawny man enters a bar, and takes a seat at the counter. He orders a drink, but doesn't touch it. About twenty minutes go by and the man still hasn't touched his drink. Next to him was a hefty trucker, who having noticed this thought it would be funny to down the other's man drink. He does this, causing some of the other bar patrons to erupt in laughter.
The skinny man takes this poorly, and starts to quietly sob. The trucker immediately feels bad and offers to buy the man another drink.
"No, it's alright. I was just having the worst day ever." the man said "You see, I had trouble finding my keys this morning, so I was late to work, and missed a very big meeting with some important client. My boss fired me on the spot. I leave the building, and see that someone has stolen my car. I take a taxi to the police station to report it, and it turns out that I left my wallet in the taxi. I walk home, and find out my wife is cheating on me with the neighbor. So I come here contemplating just ending my life, then you come along and steal the drink, I put the poison in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j4soc/the_worst_day_ever/
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What do you call a frat guy in a suit?

A defendant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j4rzd/what_do_you_call_a_frat_guy_in_a_suit/
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The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No.'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' 'Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter,' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
'The search team just landed a helicopter.'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
'ME.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j4o0d/the_boss_wondered_why_one_of_his_most_valued/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j4kno/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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Lost in the Desert.

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.
He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.
He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.
Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.
He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.
He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.
After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.
He walks through the sand.
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.
But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.
Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.
Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.
He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.
He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.
Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.
Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"
He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.
Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.
And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.
He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.
He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.
He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.
He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"
He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"
He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.
"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.
"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!
"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"
"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."
"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"
"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.
"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."
"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.
"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.
"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.
"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.
"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"
"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.
"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."
"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"
"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.
"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"
"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"
"Yeah, they do," said Jack.
"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.
Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"
Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.
"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"
"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.
"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."
"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"
"Right," nodded Nate.
"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.
"That takes two requests, Jack."
"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"
"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."
"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"
"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.
"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"
"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.
Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.
"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"
Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?
Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...
Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...
Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."
"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."
"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"
"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."
"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.
"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"
"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."
"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.
"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.
"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.
"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."
"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.
Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.
"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.
Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.
Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!
Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."
"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."
Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"
"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."
"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"
"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."
"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.
"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."
"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.
"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.
"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"
"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.
"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.
"Why not?" asked Jack.
"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.
"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."
"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.
"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"
"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.
Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"
"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"
Nate continued to grin.
"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"
"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."
"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.
"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.
Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"
"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."
"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"
"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"
"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.
"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"
"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."
"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.
Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."
Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.
Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"
"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."
"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"
"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."
"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.
"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.
"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"
"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."
"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.
Nate watched him, waiting.
"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"
Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."
"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.
Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"
"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"
"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."
"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.
Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.
"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.
"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.
"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"
Continued in Comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j4g3f/lost_in_the_desert/
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Two canibals are having a meal . . .

One looks at the other and says, "Man I hate my mother-in-law!"
The second one shrugs and replies, "Then try some of the potatoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j4fuf/two_canibals_are_having_a_meal/
%
A middle-aged woman saves money...

...for a plastic surgery. She wants to have a facelift. Finally, the big day arrives on her 47th birthday. It costs 5,000 dollars, but she feels like it was worth it. Her face is extremely beautiful and young again.
She wants to test it, though, so she goes for a walk in the city centre. She stops at the post office and asks the employee:
"Don't take this the wrong way, but how old do you think I am?"
"Let's say 32" comes the answer.
"I'm exactly 47!" says the woman with a happy smile.
A little later she goes to McDonald's and asks the same thing at the cashier.
"I'd say around 29."
"No, no. I'm 47!"
She progressively feels better and better about herself. She goes to the bank, where she has some things to clear up, but can't stop herself from asking the employee:
"How old do you think I am?"
"Around 30."
"I'm 47, but it's really nice of you" says the woman proudly.
At the bus stop, she's waiting with an elderly man. She asks the ominous question yet again. The old man answers:
"Dear lady, I'm 78 and my sight is not what it used to be. However, when I was young, there was a technique thanks to which I immediately knew the exact age of the woman in question. This will sound cheeky, but I need you to let me grab your breasts. That's how I'll be able to tell your exact age!"
The woman looks around. The street is entirely empty and she's really curious about the old man's answer, so she says:
"What the hell, go for it!"
The old man puts both hands under the woman's blouse and grabs her breasts. He squeezes softly. After a few minutes, the woman loses her patience and says:
"Soooo? Can you tell how old I am?"
"Of course. You're exactly 47."
"Unbelievable! How the hell did you know?" asks the woman completely abashed.
"I was standing behind you at McDonald's..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j4dt3/a_middleaged_woman_saves_money/
%
How much sperm does a gay man have?

A buttload.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j4ayr/how_much_sperm_does_a_gay_man_have/
%
A man wakes...

...with a horrible headache, a proper hangover really. He sits up and looks around. On his nightstand, he sees two aspirins and a glass of water. On his chair, he sees clean, ironed clothes. The whole room is completely tidy. On the table, he sees a note: "Sweetie, breakfast is waiting in the kitchen. Went to the supermarket, hurrying home. Love you."
The man leaves the room. Not only was the room tidy, but the whole house is! In the kitchen, hot breakfast is waiting for him with the morning's news. His son is sitting at the table, eating.
"Tell me, son, what the hell happened here last night?"
"Well, you came home dead drunk at 3am, you wrecked some furniture, you threw up on the carpet and then you banged your head in the door of your room."
"Really? Then how come everything is so tidy? There's even a hot breakfast waiting for me, I don't get it."
"When Mum dragged you to the bathroom and started to take off your pants, you screamed at her: "Hey bitch, hands off, I'm a married man!""

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j49vq/a_man_wakes/
%
A guy in a wheelchair sped over my foot.

"You better watch where you're going next time." I told him.
He said, "I'm handicapped, you can't do anything."
I said, "No, you're handicapped, you can't do anything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j46is/a_guy_in_a_wheelchair_sped_over_my_foot/
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I failed a Health and Safety course at work today...

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j460a/i_failed_a_health_and_safety_course_at_work_today/
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I'll tell you what is bordering on the ridiculous...

Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j451j/ill_tell_you_what_is_bordering_on_the_ridiculous/
%
My first self-made joke

A professor asks his students "If i told you that 90% of Asians end up not getting married , Will you believe that statement ? "
A student rises up and answers  "Yes"
Professor "Why would you believe that ?"
Student "Because Asians are smart"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j43mk/my_first_selfmade_joke/
%
Why do hipsters love Harrison Ford?

Because he's Indie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3wqq/why_do_hipsters_love_harrison_ford/
%
Three men go to a ski resort...

there aren't enough rooms left so they all share one room which only has one bed. In the morning the three men wake up, the one on the left says "I just had the most amazing dream" The man on the right replies "Really what happened?" "Well I just had the best dream hand job" "No way! I just had the same dream." To which the man in the middle responds "Hmm that's weird, I had a dream about skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3wei/three_men_go_to_a_ski_resort/
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I bought a nice 12 year old Scotch.

Obviously his parents weren't pleased!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3w8w/i_bought_a_nice_12_year_old_scotch/
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Over the past year my sexual perversions have been getting more perverse.

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I'd hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3v3j/over_the_past_year_my_sexual_perversions_have/
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CHILDREN & CARS

Children in the backseat can cause accidents.
Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3u8m/children_cars/
%
A bear is chasing a rabbit in a forest...

The rabbit is a bit faster than the bear, so the bear can't quite catch him. However, the rabbit is running so fast he isn't looking where he's going, and runs head-first into a tree.
The rabbit is momentarily stunned and in pain, and the bear comes running up and is about to catch and devour the rabbit then and there, when they both look up in the tree and notice a genie.
"I couldn't help but notice the two of you running through here." The genie said, "I'm in a good mood today, so I'll give each of you three wishes if you agree to make peace with one another."
The two animals nod in assent. In a gesture of apparent goodwill, the rabbit even offers to let the bear go first.
"Well, first of all, I'd like to live forever." The bear says. The genie nods and snaps his fingers - he gets that one a lot.
"Next, I'd like all the other bears in the world to be incredibly hot female bears."
"Fair enough." The genie replies, snapping its fingers again.
"Finally, I'd like all the other bears to really, really, really like me."
The bear, content with its wishes starts sniffing the air for the scent of other bears.
"And now for you, Rabbit?" the genie asks.
"I'd like a carrot." The rabbit says, nonchalantly.
"A carrot?" The genie asks incredulously. "You know you can ask for anything in the world, right?"
"Yeah." said the rabbit. "A carrot sounds nice."
So the genie snaps his fingers, and poof, a nice, crisp carrot appears.
"And your next wish?"
"I'd like the fastest motorcycle in the world that never runs out of gas."
The genie smiles, happy to oblige, and snaps his fingers. Instantly, poofs into existence the sleekest-looking motorcycle the world has ever seen.
The rabbit proceeds to get on the bike, starts up the engine. Just as he's throttling up the engine to speed off, he points back at the bear and says - "For my final wish, I want that bear to be gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3u72/a_bear_is_chasing_a_rabbit_in_a_forest/
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Wow, where did you learn to be so good at sex?!

I was home schooled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3pf0/wow_where_did_you_learn_to_be_so_good_at_sex/
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(NSFW) Two men standing in a bar...

...after a full day of drinking and one of them throws up on himself.
"Ahh man my wife is gunna kill me. I said I was only going to have a couple today and she's already been complaining about how much I drink" he said.
His friend, being a shrewd guy, comes up with an idea:
"Put 10 dollars in the top pocket of your shirt here.  When your wife sees you, tell her some other guy threw up on you and offered to pay for the shirt to be cleaned".
Pleased that this solves the problem the 2 friends keep drinking.
After staggering home the vomit-stained man swings the door open to be greeted by his eye-rolling wife.
"Oh my word you said you were only going to go out for a couple and look at the state of you!" she says.
"No, no look this was some other guy I promise.  He said he'd give me 10 bucks to get it cleaned! check my pocket!".
She reaches in...
"You said he gave you 10 dollars why is there 20 in here?"
"Oh yeah...he shit my pants as well".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3pdp/nsfw_two_men_standing_in_a_bar/
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Nice guys don't finish last..

They finish alone in the shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3lgt/nice_guys_dont_finish_last/
%
A man goes shopping...

...to the supermarket. At the cashier, there is a pretty long queue. In the queue next to him, a hot blonde smiles at him. The dude says:
"Hmm, do we know each other?"
"I'm not sure, but I think you might just be the father of one of my kids!"
The guy thinks about the only time he's been unfaithful and exclaims:
"Oh my god, are you the stripper I fucked on the pool table during my bachelor's party in front of all my friends while your co-workers spanked me with a stick and put a cucumber up my ass?"
The hot blonde answers:
"No... I'm your son's English teacher, sir..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3kes/a_man_goes_shopping/
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Little boy and his grampa

So, a little boy is sitting with his great-grandfather, who used to be a big game hunter in his formidable years.
"Gramps, tell me a story about your days as a big game hunter" said the boy.
"Whaaaa?" replied his grandfather
"TELL ME A STORY ABOUT WHEN YOU USED TO
HUNT BIG GAME!" yells the boy.
"Oh... okay, let's see, sonny. Well, one time out I was out in the African bush looking for gazelle, when all of a sudden BOOM, a huge lion flies out from the underbrush and heads straight for me. I just shit my pants!"
"Yeah", says the boy. "I would have shit my pants, too".
"No", says his grampa. "I JUST shit my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3jv9/little_boy_and_his_grampa/
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The farmer's only cow dies

He doesn't know what to do anymore, so he hangs himself.
The wife comes home, sees that her husband and the cow are both dead, so she hangs herself too.
The eldest son comes home and sees the bloodbath. He goes to the forest to die. At the edge of the woods, he meets a fairy who says:
"If you fuck me real good and cum inside me five times, I'll bring everyone back to life."
The dude agrees, but after the third time he dies.
The middle son sees what happened at the house too, so he also goes to the forest to die. The fairy appears again and says:
"If you fuck me real good and cum inside me fifteen times, I'll bring everyone back to life."
The guy agrees but after the tenth time, he dies.
Finally, the youngest son comes home too. He sees what happened and runs to the forest to die. He meets the fairy who says:
"If you fuck me real good and cum inside me twenty-five times, I'll bring everyone back to life."
"Could we make that an even thirty?" asks the dude.
"Sure."
"Or maybe even forty?"
"Certainly."
"And can you take it?"
"Of course!"
"That poor cow said the same thing..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3isy/the_farmers_only_cow_dies/
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The most functional word in English language is...

The most functional word in the English language is... Shit. That's  right, shit! Consider this:
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place  for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,  forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know  their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and  Shinola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw  shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when shit  hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find  yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days  are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days  are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there  are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not  enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up  shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns  to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out  smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building  block of life. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't  need to know anything else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3g8f/the_most_functional_word_in_english_language_is/
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[NSFW] What's the difference between pussy and parsley?

Nobody eats parsley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3frd/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_pussy_and/
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A cheapskate walks into a dentist office.....

"What's the problem?" asks the dentist. "I got a bad tooth that needs to be pulled." replied the cheapskate. "Well for $200 I can put you under and pull the tooth, you won't feel a thing." says the dentist. "Nah, that's way to much money, what else you got?"
"Well for $150 I can give you a numbing shot in your gum and pull the tooth, you'll feel more pain than the first option though." replied the dentist. "Nope, still way to expensive, what else?"
"Well for $100 I can put some topical numbing ointment on your tooth and then pull it, I'm not gonna lie though, it's gonna still hurt like hell." "No way still to much money, what else you got?" asks the cheapskate.
"Well for $25 bucks I can give you a Viagra and then pull your tooth." says the dentist. "What does the Viagra do exactly?" asks the cheapskate.
"It gives you something to hold on to while I pull that tooth out"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3f2t/a_cheapskate_walks_into_a_dentist_office/
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What does a nosey pepper do?

Get jalapeño business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3atb/what_does_a_nosey_pepper_do/
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A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.

Wife: “Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.”
Husband: “O.K., hun.”
Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.
Wife: “Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”
Husband: “They had eggs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j39ca/a_woman_asks_her_husband_a_programmer_to_go/
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The guy who proofread Hitler's speaches

was literally a grammar Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j38ri/the_guy_who_proofread_hitlers_speaches/
%
A drunk enters...

...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts banging on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:
"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j37zf/a_drunk_enters/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common...

Its a shame they'll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j37iz/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
Two gay men are travelling...

...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j35xh/two_gay_men_are_travelling/
%
The next iPhone won't be a failure

In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j35ii/the_next_iphone_wont_be_a_failure/
%
A factory manager escorts his boss from head office around his site when they open a room to two employees having sex

Immediately the factory manager slams the door shut and apologises profusely to his boss.
"Fire him!" screams the boss.
"Well, actually he is six months into designing some software that we've paid six hundred thousand pounds for, and he'll be finished in another month." retorts the factory manager.
"Fire her then!" shreaks the boss yet again.
The factory manager hesistates once more.
"Actually, she's the only employee who knows how to operate one of our machines and has not finished teaching our other employees."
The boss looks around in disbelief. "Well.. Get rid of the fucking desk then!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3517/a_factory_manager_escorts_his_boss_from_head/
%
A couple's young son...

...accidentally sees his father having fun with the maid. He runs to his mother and tells her what he saw. The mother gets extremely angry, but decides to have a little fun of her own and instructs her son not to tell anything until she says so.
A few days later it's the grandma's birthday, the whole family gathers from all over the country, there's at least fifty people. The party is going just fine when the mother stands up and says:
"I'd like some attention, please! Jimmy is gonna tell you a story!"
Everyone thinks little Jimmy is gonna tell a poem or a bedtime story. However, he says the following:
"Last week daddy entered the room where the maid was cleaning and he hugged her and kissed her and started taking off all her clothes..."
Everyone looks at the dad who gets redder than a lobster. Jimmy continues:
"After taking off her clothes, he got naked too. They lay down and then daddy started putting his... his thing... I can't remember how they call it..."
Jimmy looks at her mother (who smiles smugly) for help:
"Mummy, how do you call that thing you put in your mouth when the neighbour comes over?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j341g/a_couples_young_son/
%
A man enters the police office...

...and walks up to the board.
"Sir, my mother-in-law disappeared! Here's a picture, we should start looking for her."
The policeman glances at the pictures and says:
"Why...?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j32sf/a_man_enters_the_police_office/
%
"David, why don't you go and play with...

...with Jimmy?" asks the mother.
"Oh mum, you wouldn't want to play with a filthy, obscene, thieving, lying boy, would you?"
"Of course not." says the mother, as she hugs her son.
"Well, Jimmy wouldn't either..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j3081/david_why_dont_you_go_and_play_with/
%
80yrs old grandpa calls the radio...

"Hello, I'd like to participate in the game!" he says.
"Wonderful! There are three questions, are you ready?"
"Of course!"
"First question then. What is it: it has two wheels and you can roll on it?"
"A bike!"
"Not bad, but we were thinking about a mountain bike, to be specific. Next question. What is it: it has four tyres, a steering wheel and an engine?"
"A car!"
"Not bad, but we were thinking about an Audi, to be specific. Last question, but you really have to answer correctly this time! What is it: it has wings, an engine, works with kerosene and you can fly with it?"
"A plane!"
"Not bad, but we were thinking about a Concorde, to be specific... Unfortunately, you didn't win, sorry. Maybe next time!"
"Can I ask a question too?" asks the grandpa.
"Sure."
"What is it: stands in the street and sells her body for money?"
"Well, I'm pretty sure that's a whore..."
"Not bad, but I was thinking about your mother, to be specific."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j2z2c/80yrs_old_grandpa_calls_the_radio/
%
Old lady enters the National Bank's building...

...with a bag full of bank notes and asks to talk with the president of said bank. She says there's a lot of money to talk about, so the employees reluctantly allow the lady to meet with the president. When they meet, he asks the old lady how much money she wants to put in the bank.
"165,000 dollars" she answers and empties her bag on the president's table.
The president is intrigued about the origin of such money and asks:
"Dear lady, may I ask where this money comes from?"
"Bets" she answers.
"Bets? What kind of bets?"
"For example, I bet 25,000 dollars your balls are rectangular!"
"Hahaha, that's a stupid bet, you cannot hope to win that!"
"So you accept, do you?"
"Of course! I'll bet you 25,000 dollars that my balls aren't rectangular."
"Perfect. Since we're talking about a large amount of money, let's meet tomorrow morning at 10 in the presence of my lawyer as witness, shall we?"
"Okay, works for me" says the president smugly.
That night, the president gets nervous. He's sure he'll win, there is no way his balls are rectangular, but he still observes them in the mirror over and over again before going to sleep.
Next morning, at 10, the old lady is back at the bank with her lawyer. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet:
"25,000 dollars that the president's balls are rectangular!"
The president accepts the bet again. The old lady asks the president to take his pants off, then if she may touch the president's balls.
"Since we're talking about 25,000 dollars, you may. I want you to be sure about your observations" he says.
At this point, the president sees that the old lady's lawyer is banging his head into the wall.
"What the hell is your lawyer doing?" he asks the old lady.
"Oh nothing, it's just that I bet 100,000 dollars with him yesterday evening that today at 10am the balls of the National Bank's president are gonna be in my hands..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j2xsj/old_lady_enters_the_national_banks_building/
%
A captain of the Foreign Legion is transferred...

...to a new military station in the middle of the desert. When he gets there, he sees that a camel gets a special treatment: it lives in a nice room, the men gently feed it, etc.
"Tell me, why does everyone care about that camel so much?" he asks the sergeant.
"Well, you know, so many men confined to the camp for so long, without any women... so when in need, we use the camel."
"Well, that's weird enough, but if it doesn't affect the morale, I guess it's fine."
After six tough months, the captain feels the need, too. He tells the sergeant:
"Sergeant, bring that camel into my room!"
The sergeant takes the camel to his room, where the captain has his way with the animal. Next morning, the captain tells the sergeant:
"See, now I know what the men are using the camel for as well!"
"Did you also go into town to visit the girls, sir?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j2vzj/a_captain_of_the_foreign_legion_is_transferred/
%
I once installed a sky light in my apartment.

Boy were my upstairs neighbors pissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j2t13/i_once_installed_a_sky_light_in_my_apartment/
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A couple are out to a dinner...

when they are challenging eachother in small games of wit. Its the mans turn, so he asks his fiance, "Tell me one thing that will make me happy and make me sad at the same time."
His fiance thinks for a moment, and says, "You win.".
The man teases "You surely couldn't be stumped that easy, you havent even tried.".
His fiance responds, "I don't have to try."
The man somewhat perplexed, "And why is that?"
His fiance almost smugly replies, "Because you have a bigger dick than your brother."
[NSFW]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j2jjx/a_couple_are_out_to_a_dinner/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 8 and 9 died in a double homicide and 7 is the **prime** suspect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j2icd/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
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Family dinner

A man shoots a few bunnies and he decides to cook them for the family dinner that weekend. However, the kids really like cute little bunnies, so he can't say what they're eating.
During dinner, his son asks:
"Dad, what meat is this?"
The man smiles at his wife and answers:
"Take a guess! Your mum calls me that sometimes..."
At these words, his daughter spits out the food and screams at her brother:
"Don't eat it, it's a dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j2e0j/family_dinner/
%
My wife wants to meet new people & have fun, so she made me join a Bridge Club....

...I jump off next Tuesday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j20uj/my_wife_wants_to_meet_new_people_have_fun_so_she/
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I took a girl back to my place last night.

As I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a huge bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"
She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"
I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j1zzx/i_took_a_girl_back_to_my_place_last_night/
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He Takes His Golf Seriously.

An elderly golfer is about to putt when a funeral procession drives by.
He removes his hat, and waits for the cars to pass by.
His golfing buddy turns to him and says, "That was very thoughtful of you to do that."
He responds, "Well, it seemed appropriate.  I was married to the woman for 55 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j1z88/he_takes_his_golf_seriously/
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Helen Keller walks into a bar...

... and then a table...  and then a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j1y5k/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's black and white and red all over?

A penguin in a blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j1u7u/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
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Does your state have less water than California?

Drought it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j1tbf/does_your_state_have_less_water_than_california/
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Little Johnny

new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j1q76/little_johnny/
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What was the suicide bomber greeted by in the afterlife?

A group of 40 other suicide bombers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j1opt/what_was_the_suicide_bomber_greeted_by_in_the/
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why did the scarecrow win a medal?

because he was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j1od6/why_did_the_scarecrow_win_a_medal/
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Max Goldstein has died and his body is being prepared for his funeral

The undertaker is astounded by the size of his penis, so he decides to cut if off, put it in a box, and bring it home to show his wife.
When he gets home he takes out the box, opens it in front of his wife, and says "What do you think of this?"
His wife screams, "Oh my god, Max Goldstein is dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j1kyq/max_goldstein_has_died_and_his_body_is_being/
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200 Bucks

A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell, It's worth one hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful.  I must see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. She feels bad for him, so she pushes her breasts into his face for a moment and she let's him have a few squeezes. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and asks,  "Well, ... did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j1f4s/200_bucks/
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What do lesbians cook for dinner?

Nothing; they eat out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j1cmm/what_do_lesbians_cook_for_dinner/
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The Boss calls his secretary..

The boss calls his female secretary & says:"Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip."
The secretary calls husband & says:"Me & my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of urself"
The husband calls his girlfriend & says:"My wife is going on a business trip, come home we can have fun"
The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition: "No tuition this weekend."
The boy calls his father:"Dad, at last we can spend this weekend together."
Dad (The boss) calls his secretary & says:"Business trip is cancelled. I'm going to spend weekend with my son"
The secretary calls husband:"I won't be going"
The husband calls his girlfriend:"I am sorry My wife is not going "
The girlfriend calls boy:"You have tuition"
Boy calls his father & says:"Sorry Dad, I've classes"
The Dad calls his secretary.....
The theory of infinite loop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j1cco/the_boss_calls_his_secretary/
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A man has Super Bowl tickets

A man and his new wife make a pact to go to every Super Bowl. After 43 years the wife passes away, but the man continues their tradition and goes to the next super bowl. Another man sitting in the same row sees the empty seat next to the man and asks "why is this seat empty? It's the super bowl?" And the man replies "well it was my wife's seat but she passed away" and the other asks " well did you not want to invite anyone else?, any family?" And the man responds "I did but nobody would come with me" and the other remarks, "man that's tough your wife dies and they wouldn't come to the super bowl with you, what did they have to do that was better?" And the man says, "well her funeral was today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j17vx/a_man_has_super_bowl_tickets/
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Why can lesbians leave town faster than gay men?

A lesbian can just lickitey-split, a gay man has to pack his shit first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j1492/why_can_lesbians_leave_town_faster_than_gay_men/
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A fellow was walking along a country road...

...when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't say anything. So the guy decided to just start walking again.
After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, "About 20 minutes".
"Thanks. But why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"Didn't know how fast you could walk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j11zb/a_fellow_was_walking_along_a_country_road/
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Beautiful?

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j0t79/beautiful/
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How do you know it's midnight at the Neverland Ranch?

The big hand's touching the little hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j0rt3/how_do_you_know_its_midnight_at_the_neverland/
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A little boy and his grandfather

are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j0pa7/a_little_boy_and_his_grandfather/
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Three Men are Captured by Female Savages!

They are told their dicks would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs.
The first was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.
The second was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.
The third man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny, and he replied, "I work for Dyson!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j0hnq/three_men_are_captured_by_female_savages/
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A man stopped breathing today at a bar...

A lady then screamed out "ANYBODY KNOW CPR"
I yelled back. "I know the whole damm alphabet!"
Everyone Laughed... Well except 1 guy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j0gxm/a_man_stopped_breathing_today_at_a_bar/
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(NSFW) What do a girl's asshole and a 9 volt battery have in common?

You know it's wrong, but eventually you have to put your tongue on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j0dbg/nsfw_what_do_a_girls_asshole_and_a_9_volt_battery/
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I hope to die the same way my grandfather died

Asleep. Not screaming like everyone else in the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j05u5/i_hope_to_die_the_same_way_my_grandfather_died/
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I think the bloke next to me is gay. I'm trying to take a shit, but he keeps giving me looks.

I'll try the next urinal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j047w/i_think_the_bloke_next_to_me_is_gay_im_trying_to/
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A redneck goes to his doctor...

...and asks him "Hey doc, I don't want to risk having any more kids."
The doctor says "Well I would suggest a vasectomy, then."
The redneck says "That costs way too much, though. Got any other ideas?"
The doctor thinks for a minute then says, "ok, what I want you to do is, when you get home tonight, put a firecracker in a beer bottle then count to ten."
The redneck looks confused, but trusts the doc, thanks him, and goes home.
Later, he had just finished his beer and had his firecracker ready. He lights it, drops it in the beer bottle then, holding the beer bottle in one hand, counts off the fingers on one hand. "One... two... three... four... five..." he stops and thinks... quickly, he sticks the beer bottle between his legs and continues on the other hand, "six... seven..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j02e2/a_redneck_goes_to_his_doctor/
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If electricity takes the path of least resistance...

why doesn't lightning only strike the country of France?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j016f/if_electricity_takes_the_path_of_least_resistance/
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There were these two guy in an insane asylum.

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...
... and one night, they decided they don't like living in an asylum anymore.
They decide they're going to escape!
So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of town, stretching away in the moonlight...
stretching away to freedom.
Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daredn't make the leap. Y'see...
Y'see, he's afraid of falling.
So then, the first guy has an idea...
He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!"
B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says...
He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy?"
"You'd turn it off when I was halfway across!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3izxiq/there_were_these_two_guy_in_an_insane_asylum/
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when...

... the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iztgt/an_old_married_couple_no_sooner_hit_the_pillows/
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What do you call sex with a french midget?

Bone a petite

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3izryg/what_do_you_call_sex_with_a_french_midget/
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A feminist visited a Muslim country and was unhappy with the treatment of women there...

All of the Muslim men made their wives walk at least five feet behind them. The visiting feminist was outraged, "How could you be so sexist? This is an outrage!"
She left the country, only to return years later. Much to her surprise, all of the women were walking five feet *ahead* of their husbands. The feminist couldn't believe it. "What changed? Why are you so progressive now?" One of the men overheard and said with a smile... "land mines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3izrbs/a_feminist_visited_a_muslim_country_and_was/
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What's a gay man's favorite planet?

Earth, most likely. Unless he's personally interested in space exploration, in which case he might say Mars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3izq15/whats_a_gay_mans_favorite_planet/
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Did you hear about the newlyweds who didn't know the difference between Vaseline and window caulk?

All their windows fell out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3izhku/did_you_hear_about_the_newlyweds_who_didnt_know/
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3izg1a/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
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Prostitution Sandwich

So this guy walks into a bar and on that little chalk board where they put the specials it says "happy hour deals: grilled cheese and draft beer: $10, ham sandwich $5, sex $100." After some conaideration, the guy asks the really sexy bartender "are you the one that does the sex?" She answers with a wink and a purr "yea babyyy" so he says to her "wash your fucking hands because I want a ham sandwich"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3izbxg/prostitution_sandwich/
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Been chatting and flirting with this 14 year old chick

Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How freakin' cool is that for someone her age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3izbsw/been_chatting_and_flirting_with_this_14_year_old/
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Why are pills white?

Because they work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3izbmm/why_are_pills_white/
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So I went on a date with this girl last night

Things were going well, so we ended up back at her place. Then things started going REALLY well, and we ended up in her bedroom. I looked around and saw that she had a king sized bed with Communist Party sheets.
Now that's a big red flag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iza9i/so_i_went_on_a_date_with_this_girl_last_night/
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Where did Sally go after the explosion?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iz920/where_did_sally_go_after_the_explosion/
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Hooker

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is v worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iz75u/hooker/
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Turns out my vasectomy didn't stop us from having more kids.

Turns out my vasectomy didn't stop us from having more kids, it just made them a different colour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iz5vp/turns_out_my_vasectomy_didnt_stop_us_from_having/
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I'm only 19 and my eyesight is constantly getting worse.

When do I get Adult Supervision?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iz5fw/im_only_19_and_my_eyesight_is_constantly_getting/
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The animal convenience store

It was 11am and all the forest animals were waiting in line for the convenience store to open. Some were obviously more calm than others.
Suddenly, the rabbit was making his way up through the line towards the store when the bear stops him.
"Trying to cut in line eh? " and Wham!, he whacks the rabbit and sends him back.
The rabbit gets up, dusts himself off and says:
"Well fuck y'all if I'm opening the store now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iz3p0/the_animal_convenience_store/
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Vaseline

For their 50'th anniversary an industrial grade vaseline company decided to give away $10,000 in prizes to their customers with the most original use for their product. One particular couple stood out from the crowd by far:
Couple: We use it when we have sex. It works amazing.
Company: But this is an industrial lubricant. it can be harmful for your health.
Couple: Oh no dear. We just smear the door knob to our room so the kids can't get in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iyzwu/vaseline/
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A cop pulled me over and said "papers"

I said "scissors, I win!" and drove off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iyzae/a_cop_pulled_me_over_and_said_papers/
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An Irish Daughter Had Not Been Home For Over 5 Years. She Shocked Her Father When She Came Home And Said This

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not
write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
thru?‘
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....l
became a prostitute...‘
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot!
Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.‘
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give
mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten
bedroom mansion plus a £5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold
Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a membership to the
country club ...... .. (takes a breath) ........ .. And
an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on
board my new yacht in the Riviera and....'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?‘ says
Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy!
Sniff, sniff.‘
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I
thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give
yer old Dad a hug.‘

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iyxq9/an_irish_daughter_had_not_been_home_for_over_5/
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Why did the butter maker not tell anybody his secret recipe?

He was afraid they'd spread it around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iyust/why_did_the_butter_maker_not_tell_anybody_his/
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3 men die and meet outside the pearly white gates of heaven.

(This joke is an adaptation, made from [these](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2yw7dl/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer/) two [jokes](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1op0wo/so_3_men_die_and_go_to_heaven/).)
the 3 men; A Physicist, a Philosopher and a Local town idiot stand before the gates of heaven. Between them and the gates stands St. Peter. St. Peter tells the three men "Sorry boys, but it seems heaven is getting jam-packed. To let you in, you have to beat me intellectually, either through a form of a question or a challenge."
The first to come forward is the Physicist, and he tells St. Peter with great confidence "Show me the entire mathematical markup of the Higgs Boson." To which St. Peter merely snaps his finger and produces a dozen large whiteboards and proceeds to write up the whole markup from memory. After careful examination, the Physicist reluctantly agrees that he is correct, and with one snap of the finger, St. Peter sends him to the fiery gates of hell.
The next to come forward is the Philosopher. Thinking that the Physicist made a grave mistake of challenging St. Peter with an empirical question, he decides to give a less-than-empirical challenge of his own. He tells St. Peter "Show me all of the works of Socrates." he says with a smirk, knowing Socrates never wrote down his teachings, St. Peter would be hard pressed on producing an answer. But despite this, St. Peter produces a stack of papers, and the Philosopher reads it with great criticism. There are things there he had never even heard of, and questioned the paper's authenticity, to which St. Peter remarked "Me and Socrates have chatted a lot ever since he got here." And with a snap of a finger, the Philosopher was gone.
Last to come forward is the Local town idiot. The idiot asks St. Peter, "Could I give you a riddle instead?" and St. Peter replies "Of course! I love riddles!" and the idiot proceeds. "What comes up a hill with six legs and comes down with four, comes back up with two legs and back down with no more?"
St. Peter ponders on it for a good five minutes and arrives at no answer, and tells the idiot "Well, congratulations, you have left me dumbfounded." and with a snap of a finger, the gates of heaven opens up. The idiot proceeds to enter heaven, but right before he does so, he feels St. Peter tapping on his shoulder, he turns around. "So," St. Peter asks "What's the answer to your riddle?"
The Idiot just shrugs his shoulders and says "How the hell should I know?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iysk4/3_men_die_and_meet_outside_the_pearly_white_gates/
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Why didn't blacks in 1850 give high-fives?

Because everyone always left them hanging!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iyroi/why_didnt_blacks_in_1850_give_highfives/
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Gambling is like a dwarf at a barbecue...

...The stakes are always just too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iyq5p/gambling_is_like_a_dwarf_at_a_barbecue/
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[NSFW] What's long, cylindrical, hard, full of semen and can make a woman scream?

The sock under your bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iyowp/nsfw_whats_long_cylindrical_hard_full_of_semen/
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A ginger wanted to join the Jazz band...

But he didn't have enough soul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iyht1/a_ginger_wanted_to_join_the_jazz_band/
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What's another name for a chicken testicle?

Fowl Ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iyf8z/whats_another_name_for_a_chicken_testicle/
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I need some advice.

I have a 4" body lift on my truck. Two days ago, my truck started to shake after the speedometer hit 70mph. I think it's the suspension or the tires may be unbalanced and since the girls are no longer paying attention, does anyone know of any good free porn sites?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iyegf/i_need_some_advice/
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How can you tell when your wife has died?

The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up in the sink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iyau4/how_can_you_tell_when_your_wife_has_died/
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Pot of chili nsfw

So there are four gay men, three of which are all involved with the last, we'll call him "Freddie". One day Freddie becomes ill and dies of the HIV. Before the funeral, the three gay men meet at the bar to decide the best way to handle the financial part of the ceremonies. They quickly agree that the smartest way to go about it would be to cremate and divide the ashes, thus being able to remember their lost lover however they so choose. After a few hours of drinking and speaking fondly of the fallen partner, they begin deciding what each will do with their share of the ashes. The first man proudly speaks up and tells the other two, "Freddie always loved to take me mountain climbing. I will climb our favorite mountain and release his ashes at the top, forever making him apart of the mountain." The second man says, "Freddie and I loved visiting the ocean together, I will take a boat out to the middle of the ocean and release my lovers ashes there, forever making him apart of the ocean. At this time the third man tells the other two, "My share of the ashes are going in the biggest, hottest pot of chili I can possibly make." Confused by this, the other two ask him why he would do that. To which he replies," I want Freddie to properly tear my ass hole up one more time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iya59/pot_of_chili_nsfw/
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Like the Book...

Disclaimer: I am retelling this joke exactly as I heard it, so I hope I don't get in trouble.
Little Red Riding Hood was sitting upstairs in her room listening to music, when her mum calls her down into the kitchen, so she heads downstairs.  When Red enters the kitchen, her mum asks, "Little Red would you mind taking this basket of goodies to your ill grandmother in the morning?"
Little Red immediately reaches for her cloak and puts it on and says, "It's no problem, I'll go now."
Her mum gets all wide-eyed and exclaims, "But, it's late and the Big Bad Wolf is about!  You know what he's going to do...  He's capture you, strip you naked and fuck the living daylights out of you!"
Little Red then grabs the shotgun from the wall holder and says, "I'm eleven, and I have the family's shotgun, I'll be fine!"  So with that, she sets off into the Woods.
As she is walking through the woods, she runs into the Three Little Pigs.  One of the Pigs asks, "Little Red what are you doing in the Woods so late at night?"
Red responds, "I'm taking this basket of goodies to my ill grandmother."
Pig says, "But, it's late, and the Big Bad Wolf is about!  You know what he's going to do!  He's going to capture you, strip you naked and fuck the living daylights out of you!"
Little Red replies same as before, "It's no problem!  I'm eleven, and have the family's eight gauge, I'll be fine!"
Red then gets to her grandmother's cottage, and goes into her bedroom.  She then shuts the door behind her and gasps, "My Grandmother, you're not looking well at all!"
All of a sudden the Big Bad Wolf pops out of the bed and exclaims, "HA!  I've been waiting a very long time for this!  You know what I am going to do?  I'm going to capture you, strip you naked and fuck the living daylights out of you!"
This is when Little Red calmly sets the basket down, strips naked, cocks the shotgun, points it at him and says, "No, you're going to eat me like the book says!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iy8r2/like_the_book/
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What sexual position makes the ugliest babies?

Ask your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iy832/what_sexual_position_makes_the_ugliest_babies/
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So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid

Guess that makes it Priustoric

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iy797/so_i_saw_that_the_new_dinosaur_in_jurassic_park/
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Religion and squirrels

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iy2zj/religion_and_squirrels/
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A man in a restaurant says to the waitress...

..."Hi can I have a quickie?"
The waitress gives him a dirty look and walks off. She later approaches the table and the man asks: "Can I please have a quickie?" The waitress responds: "Sir, If you ask me that one more time, I'm going to have to call my manager over." and walks off again.
The man looks completely bemused, so the lady at the table next to his turns and says: "I think it's pronounced 'kee-sh'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iy0vo/a_man_in_a_restaurant_says_to_the_waitress/
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What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests?

A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iy0vi/whats_the_difference_between_a_coal_mining/
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Two old friends meet in bar...

[translated from Turkish]
-Hey Jack! How have you been! It's been months!
-Bonjour Monsieur ! Indeed, it's been a while
-"Bonjour Monsieur"? What's this French?
-Mais biensur !
-Don't screw with me Jack. I know you don't know French. We both went to the same school and we never had any French lessons!!
-No, no! I'm learning via the radio. 99.3 FM. Every day at 10AM you have French lessons. Very easy, I suggest you try.
-Oh, ok, cool I'll give a try tomorrow.
Next morning he calls Jack:
-Yo Jack, I have those old radios with a needle for tuning. Does it work with those old radios too?
-Sure! Scroll to 99, then go a little further to the right.
-Oh cool! Thx!
-Mais de rien !
-oh! stfu already...
Couple of weeks later, he meets Jack again. And Jack asks:
-Salut mon ami, How is your French?
- Shhhszzzzoussssshzzziuhli! (static noise)
[probably not the best written joke :/]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ixyt1/two_old_friends_meet_in_bar/
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I painted my computer black thinking it would run faster...

Now it doesn't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ixxgd/i_painted_my_computer_black_thinking_it_would_run/
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How did Jared lose 30 pounds?

He dumped his girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ixtui/how_did_jared_lose_30_pounds/
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Two Ditzy blondes...

A ditzy blonde is driving 80 mph down the highway, 20 miles over the speed limit.  A ditzy blonde police officer pulls her over.  The police officer asks to see her license, but the ditzy blonde driver has no idea what a license is.  The officer tells her it is an identification card with her picture on it.  The driver rummages in her purse and pulls out her makeup mirror, opens it up, sees herself in the mirror, and hands it to the police officer.
The police officer looks at the mirror and says, "Oh! You should have told me you were a police officer as well!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ixsj3/two_ditzy_blondes/
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Went to a ginger convention today

There wasn't a soul there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ixsj1/went_to_a_ginger_convention_today/
%
Why do you never see any Stormtroopers as photographers?

They always miss the shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ixouf/why_do_you_never_see_any_stormtroopers_as/
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What do you call a fight between a mexican and a pedophile?

Alien VS Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ixn01/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_a_mexican_and_a/
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I tried "Netflix and chill?" on my wife.

We're now on season 3 of Gilmore Girls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ixku8/i_tried_netflix_and_chill_on_my_wife/
%
Husband and wife go to a club

They notice a guy on the dance floor giving everyone a show. He's breakdancing, moon walking and even throwing in a few backflips. The wife turns to the husband and says, "see that guy on the dance floor? He proposed to be 25 years ago and I turned him down!"
Husband says "Yeah looks like he's still celebrating!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ixk9i/husband_and_wife_go_to_a_club/
%
Knock knock. Who's there? 9/11

9/11 who?
You said you'd never forget...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ixg33/knock_knock_whos_there_911/
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GRANDMA'S RACY NEW PANTIES

An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.
When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"
The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ixcuf/grandmas_racy_new_panties/
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I hope Jeb Bush wins the primaries

Then takes Dick Cheney as his running mate. There campaign slogan would be "same dick, new bush."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ixcny/i_hope_jeb_bush_wins_the_primaries/
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY...

... The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ixaq5/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_are_seated_next_to_each/
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What do you call a stack of pancakes?

A balanced breakfast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ix348/what_do_you_call_a_stack_of_pancakes/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph because he's not a full essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ix2li/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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French rifle for sale.

Never fired. Dropped twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iww6y/french_rifle_for_sale/
%
What do you call a dog that's into BDSM?

A subwoofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwtek/what_do_you_call_a_dog_thats_into_bdsm/
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Dad, the dog is having sex. Don't mind it, son, it's nature.

Yes, I know dad. But it hurts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwok0/dad_the_dog_is_having_sex_dont_mind_it_son_its/
%
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks ...

'Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?'
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees
so that he's on her level, and says, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?'
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ...
'I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk!!..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwoim/a_little_girl_walks_into_a_pet_shop_and_asks/
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The Irish must be very rich...

...since their capital is always Dublin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwn82/the_irish_must_be_very_rich/
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The Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwn5j/the_boss/
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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don’t have eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwmoh/why_do_men_find_it_difficult_to_make_eye_contact/
%
I sent a new girl I'm seeing a picture of my buddy Richard in the middle of the night

She didn't appreciate an unsolicited Dick pic...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwmag/i_sent_a_new_girl_im_seeing_a_picture_of_my_buddy/
%
What's a neckbeard's favorite spread?

Marm'lady

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwkxp/whats_a_neckbeards_favorite_spread/
%
Viagra now comes in a nasal spray.

It's for dick heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwkqw/viagra_now_comes_in_a_nasal_spray/
%
A cop had set up a speed trap at the end of a bridge

when yet another lucky customer comes roaring past doing twenty miles over the limit. The cop lights him up and pulls him over. After retrieving the driver's license and registration, he's filling out the ticket and he asks the driver, "So, what do you do for a living sir?"
The guy replies, "Oh, I'm an asshole stretcher."
The cop pauses in his writing for a sec, dumbfounded. Then asks, "What exactly does that involve?"
"Oh, it's simple," the driver replies, "First you insert a finger, eventually you can get two fingers in, then a fist. After that you can work both hands in and really start stretching it out. After it gets big enough, you can work you feet in there and keep stretching until it's about six feet."
"Six feet?" The cop asks, "What do you do with a six foot asshole?"
"Usually," the guy says, "you give him a radar gun a park him at the end of a bridge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwk3x/a_cop_had_set_up_a_speed_trap_at_the_end_of_a/
%
Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.

I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwj5f/accidentally_pooped_my_pants_in_the_elevator/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

None because feminists can't change anything...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwh2a/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

He needed space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwgr0/why_did_the_astronaut_break_up_with_his_girlfriend/
%
Parachute for sale:

Used once. Never opened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwe5a/parachute_for_sale/
%
What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

They both come when you're alseep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwdk0/what_do_bill_cosby_and_santa_claus_have_in_common/
%
I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body...

but then my mom gave birth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwbtt/i_used_to_be_a_man_trapped_in_a_womans_body/
%
I made a graph of my past relationships.

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iwanu/i_made_a_graph_of_my_past_relationships/
%
So 2 astronomers decided to throw a party

They sit down for lunch and one of them says: ok, let's planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iw8qb/so_2_astronomers_decided_to_throw_a_party/
%
I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...

Luckily only one crow showed up...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iw1zz/i_witnessed_an_attempted_murder_earlier/
%
I asked a German the other day if he wanted to hear a joke...

I had the classic "How many ____ does it take to change a lightbulb" joke in mind.... But before I got to tell it,
He responded, "Nine"... How did he know?!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ivv16/i_asked_a_german_the_other_day_if_he_wanted_to/
%
Pilots are workers too

I was taking a plane inside of the US, after the Pilot finshed talking in the microphone regarding security he forgot to turn it off. He had no idea the microphone was on and said to his COpilot
"I could really use a blowjob and some coffee right now".
A stewardess rushed through the plane to tell him that he forgot to turn of the microphone. While she's running one of the passengers yells
"Don't forget the coffee!"
From the move "Good will hunting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ivtw7/pilots_are_workers_too/
%
How many nice guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just compliment it for being a strong, independent bulb until a real man comes along and screws it under their noses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ivqd4/how_many_nice_guys_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Why can't you see hippopotamus hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ivo74/why_cant_you_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/
%
A mugged turtle..

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ivngd/a_mugged_turtle/
%
A man is in the hospital for stomach problems when he suddenly gets diarrhea and shits in bed.

Panicking, the man folds the sheet with the poo and throws it out the window.
The sheet lands on a man walking by. The man wrestles a little with the sheet and the poop comes flowing out.
Another man walks by and asks him what he's doing.
"Damn,you'll never believe me," he replies. "But I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ivm0z/a_man_is_in_the_hospital_for_stomach_problems/
%
Bono switched from Google to Bing

But he still hasn't found what he's looking for

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ivku5/bono_switched_from_google_to_bing/
%
Why does West Virginia have so many unsolved murders?

There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ivko4/why_does_west_virginia_have_so_many_unsolved/
%
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ivjj1/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
%
Robert's new boots.

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic texas cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope." Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Robert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down tomorrow." Furious, Robert yelled, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Margaret?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "It's hanging down, because it's looking at my new boots!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Should have bought a hat, Robert! Should have bought a hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ivd22/roberts_new_boots/
%
The BBC interviews a former pilot of the Dutch Free Air Forces from WWII . . .

. . . So the Dutch guy starts telling a story:
"As we're flying over France, all of a sudden, 6 Fokkers come out of nowhere.  I engage on a Fokker, and shoot him down. Then I line up behind another Fokker and shoot him down too. The other guys in my squadron shoot down the other four Fokkers."
BBC Interviewer: " I believe my guest is referring to the Focke-Wulf Fw 190 aeroplane."
Dutch guy: "No. These Fokker's were flying Messerschmitts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iv9q2/the_bbc_interviews_a_former_pilot_of_the_dutch/
%
A man with five dicks visits the doctor for the first time..

Doc says: Holy shit there's not really anything I can do for you but I got to ask, how do your pants fit with five dicks squeezed in there??
Guy replies: Like a glove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iv96h/a_man_with_five_dicks_visits_the_doctor_for_the/
%
What's the hardest Olympic sport to master?

Hurdling. There are a lot of obstacles on the way, and it's hard to get a leg up on the competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iv93h/whats_the_hardest_olympic_sport_to_master/
%
Jesus has been living in my heart for years...

...and I still haven't received one rent check!
No wonder they call him king of the Jews...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iv634/jesus_has_been_living_in_my_heart_for_years/
%
A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iv3it/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
%
A woman passes out during delivery

When she wakes up, she asks the doctor if her baby is ok.
"Actually, you have twins, and they're just fine. You have a son and a daughter," the doctor said
"Oh, that's very nice. I guess I should name them right?" said the woman.
The doctor replied, "Actually your brother already named them."
"Oh no, that's not good. My brother is not very smart. What did he name the daughter?" The woman was now worried.
"Denise."
"Oh Denise, that's actually a pretty good name, I like it. What did he name my son?"
"Denephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iv0bg/a_woman_passes_out_during_delivery/
%
Shia Labeouf got rejected for a job he applied for...

During a practice run he caused negative results.
Apparently he wasn't what the suicide hotline was looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iuw8e/shia_labeouf_got_rejected_for_a_job_he_applied_for/
%
Little Johnny

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iutn6/little_johnny/
%
What do hand grenades and wives have in common?

Remove the ring and your house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iup94/what_do_hand_grenades_and_wives_have_in_common/
%
What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iuord/whats_black_and_screams/
%
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?

You don't cry when you cut up a hooker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iumy9/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_an_onion/
%
A coworker asked me if I would please quit loudly singing along with my Oasis mix tape this morning.

I said maybe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iujt8/a_coworker_asked_me_if_i_would_please_quit_loudly/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iujco/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me

So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iuhln/a_kid_in_the_park_told_me_smoking_was_bad_for_me/
%
Bartender

A traveler walks into a bar, asks for the local brew, and the bartender's name.
Bartender says "you must be new here..." And takes out a perfectly pristine glass, sounds it around his hand, and pours a perfect pint. He says "that... Is the perfect pint of beer. I've been pouring the perfect pint of beer for twenty years, but duo they call me perfect pint Tom? No they don't.
You see that chair you're sitting in? I carved that chair myself out of one piece of wood. It's a beautiful design based on Celtic gods with all that imperfections smoothed away, but do they call me carpenter Tom? No they don't.
See those figures on the wall there? They're built into the structure of the building. Every one of them is a different Norse god with accurate mythological detail. I built this whole place on that design, but do they call me Tom the house builder? No they don't." The bartender leans in really close and whispers "Ya fuck a goat one time..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iug3v/bartender/
%
A Chinese man goes to the bank

A Chinese man that just moved to the United States goes to a bank to exchange his yuan for US dollars.  He gives the teller 100 yuan and the teller exchanges it for $100. He thanks the teller and leaves.
A week later, the Chinese man returns to the bank with another 100 yuan to exchange.  This time the teller only gives him $90.  The man asks why he got less than last week and the teller replies "Oh, market changes and, you know, fluctuations."
Clearly offended, the man gets red in the face and yells "Oh yeah?! Well FLUCK YOU AMERICANS TOO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iudj0/a_chinese_man_goes_to_the_bank/
%
Why is K-9 another term for a dog?

Because if it was a cat, it would be a K-10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iucu9/why_is_k9_another_term_for_a_dog/
%
Visiting a barber

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iuaz6/visiting_a_barber/
%
I asked my girlfriend to buy me some Japanese food.

... sushi did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iu9b4/i_asked_my_girlfriend_to_buy_me_some_japanese_food/
%
I used to copy Mitch Hedberg jokes and post them here.

I still do, but I used to too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iu3wb/i_used_to_copy_mitch_hedberg_jokes_and_post_them/
%
There's a guy in a club...

There's a guy in a club imitating that he is throwing arrows at women.
One of the women, smiling, goes and says: Hi
The man responds: Hi
The woman says, still smiling: What are you, Cupid throwing love arrows at women?
The man answers: No, I am Legolas, killing orcs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iu212/theres_a_guy_in_a_club/
%
Three blondes are in an elevator

when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.
After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."
The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iu0fa/three_blondes_are_in_an_elevator/
%
I recently won a punctuation competition.

My prize was an apos-*trophy*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itzyr/i_recently_won_a_punctuation_competition/
%
Divorce

I consider myself pretty lucky in my divorce because we negotiated a 50-50 split of our assets. My wife got half, my lawyer got half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itz5e/divorce/
%
A student goes to the principal

A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks:
"What is your name, son?"
The student replies:
"D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
Then the principal asks:
"Oh, do you have a stutter?"
Student answers:
"No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ity10/a_student_goes_to_the_principal/
%
Omnivorous Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. " He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itvfk/omnivorous_monkey/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itvbx/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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What do waiters and prostitutes have in common?

Just the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itrjo/what_do_waiters_and_prostitutes_have_in_common/
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"When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was

and she said: 'Oh, two or three'. She wonders why her marriage didn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itr9n/when_i_was_a_kid_i_asked_my_mum_what_a_couple_was/
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Three blondes are stuck on a desert island...

Three blonde women are stuck on a desert island when they find a magical lamp with a genie inside.
I have three wishes to offer, says the genie, so that makes it one wish for each of you.
I want to be smart enough to get off this island, says the first blonde. She becomes a redhead, builds a small raft and sails off the island.
I want to be even smarter than her, says the second blonde. She becomes a brunette, builds a comfortable sailing boat, and sails off the island.
I want to be the smartest, says the third blonde. She becomes a man and crosses the bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itpa0/three_blondes_are_stuck_on_a_desert_island/
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The best thing for a hangover is to drink excessively the night before.

Not sure why you'd want one, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itp39/the_best_thing_for_a_hangover_is_to_drink/
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Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates.

Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates and are greeted by St. Peter.
St. Peter: "I'm sorry gentlemen, but we only have enough room in Heaven for one more person. The one who died the most tragic death may enter."
St. Peter nods to the first man.
Man 1: "I've been suspecting that my wife has been cheating on me for a few months. So I come home early from work one day to try to catch her in the act. When I looked around the only person I found was her in the shower. I'm relieved until I see someone hanging from my balcony. I go outside and stomp on his hands and he lets go but the bush below him breaks his fall and survived. Enraged, I went into my kitchen and pushed my refrigerator over the balcony, finishing the job. I was so ridden with guilt, I went inside and shot myself."
St. Peter nods to the second man.
Man 2: "I just moved into my new apartment and was getting settled in when I went to my balcony and accidentally fell over. I fell two stories before catching onto someone elses balcony then some idiot came out and started stomping on my hands until I let go. Luckily the bush below me broke my fall but the next thing that I saw was a refigerator falling on top of me."
St. Peter nodded to the third man.
Man 3: "Okay Pete. I want you to imagine yourself hiding naked in a refigerator..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ito97/three_men_arrive_at_the_pearly_gates/
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A Doctor posts an ad in the paper...

So... this Doctor posts an ad saying "I can cure any disease for $500. If I can't cure you, you get $1000."
So this fellow who is looking to make a quick buck figures, what the hell. Looking on the internet for a disease with no cure, he finds -Tastoritis- the inability to taste any food.
"Doc," he says, walking into the office. "I have tastoritis... no cure. I can't taste anything." The doctor says "Hmmm. I've heard of this and I've heard of some new research." Nervous, the fellow says "Yeah?"
"Yeah. Nurse, get bottle 22 down from the shelf." Pouring a big spoonful, the nurse says, "Open up."
The man opens his mouth and takes a huge mouthful.
"PTTHHth" spitting it everywhere. "That's Gasoline!"
"That'll be $500."
Going home, $500 the lighter, our pissed off patient decides to give it another shot.
-Cuncussive Amnesa- After a hit on the head, no memory what so ever.
"Doc, I have cuncussive amnesia. No memory, what so ever."
"Hmmm," says the doctor. "I've heard of this. And I've also heard of some new research."
Uh oh. Thinks our patient, but says "Yeah?"
"Yeah. Nurse, get down bottle number 22."
"Hell No!" says the patient, "That's Gasoline!"
"That will be $500"
Now down $1000, our patient is determined. -Blindness- Can't see shit. (Hey, there's no cure for blindness. I'll get him)
"Doc, I'm blind. I can't see anything."
"Hmmm." says the Doctor. "I've heard of this. I've also heard of some new research."
Our patient, nervous, though determined, I'll drink a mouthful of gasoline, if it means getting back my $1000.
"Nurse, get bottle 22 down from the shelf."
Pouring a big spoonful, the nurse says "Open up!" Drinking down the gasoline, our patient winces, near gagging, but keeps up the act.
"Anything?" asks the Doctor.
"Nope. Still blind."
The Doctor turns to the nurse. "Well, we better write this man a check for $1000."
The nurse writes the man the check and upon receiving it, he turns toward the door with a smile on his face.
"Wait a minute," he says... "This check says $10!"
"That will be $500"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itnao/a_doctor_posts_an_ad_in_the_paper/
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A girl asks her father...

A girl asks her father, "Why was I called violet?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were a baby a violet landed on your head."
Another girl asks her father, "Why was I called Rose?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were a baby a rose landed on your head."
Another girl asks her dad, "Heyasdeasuadwxosj" And the dad replies, "Shut up fridge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itmv7/a_girl_asks_her_father/
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A married man on a business trip walks into a brothel.

He walks up to the cashier, puts 500 dollars on the counter and says "I want your worst looking girl and a cold ham and cheese." Shocked, the woman behind the counter says "but sir, for this much you could have one of our best girls and our most expensive dish!" The man nods his head, "I know", he says "I'm not horny lady, I'm homesick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itme6/a_married_man_on_a_business_trip_walks_into_a/
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Why can't you fight an accountant ?

They'll always out number you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itkpw/why_cant_you_fight_an_accountant/
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What do you call a redditor in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itj2z/what_do_you_call_a_redditor_in_a_wheelchair/
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Three women break out of prison...

..a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They hear the marshal and his men coming so they duck into a near by potato barn. They find three potato sacks and jump in covering themselves from head to toe.
The marshal sends his deputy into the potato barn to check it out. The deputy see's the three sacks looking out of place, so he steps up to the sack with the redhead and kicks it.
"Woof." says the redhead.
"Just a dog in there." says the not to bright deputy. He kicks the sack with the brunette.
"Meow." purrs the brunette.
"Just a cat." says the deputy. He kicks the sack with the blonde in it.
Nothing happens. He gives it another kick.
"Potato" says the blonde.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itie8/three_women_break_out_of_prison/
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A man wishes to join an exclusive local church's congregation...

...and during his interview with the pastor, he's asked if he's ever engaged in any unusual sexual activity. He looks down, embarrassed, and sighs deeply.
"Well, yes, actually. Just last week, my girlfriend had dropped a head of lettuce. When she bent over, and I saw her shapely rear silhouetted by the light nearby, I ... I just couldn't help myself. I had to have her, so I made love to her right then and there."
The pastor replies, "I'm terribly sorry, sir. We can't allow that kind of behavior here. Premarital sex, even in a loving relationship, is against our doctrine."
The man shrugs, seemingly expecting the rejection. He stands up and begins walking to the door. "Hey, padre? Don't feel bad," he says. "We're not allowed in Wal*Mart any more either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itfcb/a_man_wishes_to_join_an_exclusive_local_churchs/
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When I was young, I grew up in a theme park..

The theme of the park was trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3itaxl/when_i_was_young_i_grew_up_in_a_theme_park/
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How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits into your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3it5pj/how_do_you_know_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
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What do the ninja turtles like to put on their toasts?

Donutella

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3it2ta/what_do_the_ninja_turtles_like_to_put_on_their/
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How do you change the number of sides in a pentagon?

You intersect it with a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iszx2/how_do_you_change_the_number_of_sides_in_a/
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We should have known Communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iszpj/we_should_have_known_communism_would_fail/
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I tried to have a conversation with a rock.

It was hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iszdh/i_tried_to_have_a_conversation_with_a_rock/
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A man walks upstairs into a bar...

Tim approaches the bartender and says "I'll have a beer." Tim then looked to his right and witnesses a man take a shot of Jack, run to the window, jump out and start flying. When the guy comes back through the window, Tim flips out, "How did you do that?". The drunk replied, "It's easy, just take a shot of Jack, and jump out the window." Tim then orders a shot of jack, runs to the window, jumps out, and falls to his death.
While the medics attend to Tim, another man arrives and walks up to the bartender. "What's going on out there?" The bartender explains "No idea, all I know is that Superman's a dick when he's drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iswk8/a_man_walks_upstairs_into_a_bar/
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A group of scientists are performing research on building civilizations...

they decide to put three people on an island. Not wanting to ignore cultures, they choose an American, a European, and a Japanese man. The three men are told they will be left on the island for three months and after which their survival and civilization building skills will be evaluated.
The American is put in charge of shelter, the European is put in charge of food and livestock, and the Japanese is put in charge of supplies.
The three men are then taken by helicopter and dropped off on the Island. Immediately the Japanese man runs into the dense jungle. Three months go by and the American has a very nice house built from bamboo, sticks, and thatch. The house is fully furnished with wicker tables, chairs, cabinets, and beds. The European has done a great job also, with a large garden, a full pantry, and a fenced pen around a few wild pigs.
The helicopter with the scientists arrive and they notice the house and the massive amount of food the men have stockpiled. But they cant find the Japanese guy. They ask, "where is the Japanese gentlemen?" The American and European look at each other and say " as soon as you left he ran off into the forest and we haven't seen him"
The group decide to go looking for the man, fearing he could be dead.
Just as they walk past the pen and into the brush, the Japanese man jumps out of the bushes and yells..."SUPPLIES!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iss4p/a_group_of_scientists_are_performing_research_on/
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M&Ms should change their packaging.

They should make it a white wrapper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ispp0/mms_should_change_their_packaging/
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Cinderella's Fairy Godmother

The horribly ugly Cinderella really wanted to marry the handsome prince, but was afraid to ask him to marry her because elf her looks. Her fairy godmother told Cinderella, "don't worry, everytime the prince denies your offer for marriage, your breasts will multiply in size 3 times". Cinderella asked the prince the next day, and when he said no, her breasts grew 3 times the size. Discouraged, she asked him again, with him once again saying no. Her fairy godmother said not to fret, ask one more time. The prince responded, "no,  no, 1000 times no". He never knew what hit him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3isp8a/cinderellas_fairy_godmother/
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My abs are so perfect...

...that i keep them safe and sound under a protective layer of beer belly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3isot7/my_abs_are_so_perfect/
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Anniversary Gift

A man walks into a travel agency. He approaches the travel agent and says, "Hello. My fortieth anniversary is coming up and I'd like to plan a special trip for my wife."
"Wow," replies the travel agent, "Forty years? How do you keep the magic alive for so long?"
"Well," replies the man, "For us, it's all about keeping things interesting and spontaneous. For example, on our twentieth anniversary, I took my wife to the Bahamas."
"Oh! How exotic? What are you doing for your fortieth?"
"Going to get her," the man replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3islsb/anniversary_gift/
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Why is Germany uninhabitable for cats?

They have nein lives!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iskqd/why_is_germany_uninhabitable_for_cats/
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The Rabbi and the Cardinal

A large number of Jewish immigrants have moved into a pastoral Italian town.  The locals, fearful that resources won't be able to accommodate this influx of people, complain to their local cardinal who agrees to settle the matter.  He accepts a challenge to a theological debate with the wisest of the population's rabbis in order to decide whether the Jews will be allowed to set up a permanent encampment in the area.  Since neither the cardinal nor the rabbi speak each others' language they agree to conduct the debate using sign language.
The two meet at dawn atop a large hill near the edge of town with their population waiting nearby to hear the results.
The cardinal begins by raising both hands in the air above his head and shaking them once, firmly, palms raised.
The rabbi responds by nodding once slowly and folding his arms in front of him.
Next, the cardinal holds up 3 fingers.
The rabbi replies by holding up a single finger.
The cardinal then produces the Eucharist and extends first the bread, then the cup before him.
The rabbi calmly pulls an apple from his tunic, takes a bite from it, and raises an eyebrow as he holds it up in the air.
After this, the cardinal smiles, shakes the rabbi's hand, and both men walk back to their people.
As the cardinal descends the hill, the local Catholics surround him and ask excitedly what happened.
"The Jewish people are very wise," he responds, "They are welcome in our town."
"First, I told him, 'Our God is an awesome God!' to which he responded, 'But we are his people.'"
"Next, I said, 'Our God is 3 Gods!' to which he replied, 'Are not the 3 part of the One True God?'"
"Finally, I presented the Eucharist and said, 'Our God is a God of forgiveness!', but he retaliated by presenting an apple and pointed out, 'Not one among us is without sin.'"
The Catholics nodded to one another and agreed that these were indeed wise remarks and accepted the cardinal's decision to let the Jews remain in their village.
On the other side of the hill, the rabbi was surrounded by his people who also wanted to know what happened.
"I'm not really sure," said the rabbi, "but I think they're going to let us stay."
"First, he started shaking his hands to say, 'Get out of my town!', so I told him, 'We're not leaving!'"
"Next, he says, 'You've got 3 days to get out of here!', so I replied, 'Not one of us is moving!'"
"Then, he took out his lunch, I took out my lunch, and it was all over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3isi6y/the_rabbi_and_the_cardinal/
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A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ishso/a_guy_is_walking_along_the_strip_in_las_vegas_and/
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House Specialty

A man visiting Spain wants to try the local cuisine, and so walking down a side street, enters a random restaurant and orders the house specialty. The waiter retreats to the kitchen, and after a time, comes out with a plate loaded with rice pilaf, a green salad, and two large meaty objects.
"What is this?" the man asks. The waiter tells him, "They are cojones, senor."
"Cojones? What are those?" "Cojones", the waiter answers, "are the testicles of the bull that lost in the arena today!"
Although he is a little hesitant at first, the man overcomes his doubt about the dish and tries the cojones. "These are magnificent!" he exclaims to the waiter, and finishes the plate with delight.
A week later, towards the end of his vacation, the man revisits the restaurant with fond memories of eating cojones. The waiter comes over, and the man orders the house specialty once again. The waiter returns to his table soon after with a mound of rice pilaf, a green salad, and two small meaty objects.
The man samples these 'cojones', and finds them to be very bitter and rubbery. Angry, he calls the waiter over. "What are these?"
"Cojones", the waiter replies. "But these can't be cojones, I was here last week and they were much bigger and more full of flavour!"
"Ah, senor", the waiter replies, "the bull does not lose every time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3isf0v/house_specialty/
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I'm a completely broke farmer. The other day I tried buying fertilizer on my only credit card and it was declined.

I literally can't buy shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3is6i5/im_a_completely_broke_farmer_the_other_day_i/
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You can't run through a campground

You can only ran, because its past tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3is5er/you_cant_run_through_a_campground/
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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph because he isn't quite an esé yet. :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3is3sw/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
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Why is leather armour best for sneaking?

It's made of hide.
^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry
x-post from /r/Showerthoughts. [Link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/3iruvv/leather_armour_is_the_best_for_sneaking_because/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3is2z0/why_is_leather_armour_best_for_sneaking/
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Another blonde joke.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3is2dp/another_blonde_joke/
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Old man and woman sitting in a nursing home

So these two older folks are sitting in their nursing home playing a game of checkers. Nothing interesting is happening until the old man remembers something, perks up and says to the woman: "Hey, guess what?"
"What" says the woman with a wry smile
"Today is my birthday!!" the old man responds with glee
"Oh really?" the woman responds with surprise
The man straightens his posture, "Yes. And I bet you can't guess how old I am!"
The woman quickly responds, "Bet I can"
Perplexed, the man inquires, "Ok, how?"
"Stand up and drop your pants" orders the woman
The man is confused, but intrigued and so obliges.
After he stands and de-robes the woman begins to just lightly and tenderly tickle his balls for a minute or so.
The woman then looks straight at him and says, "You're 89."
Man is blown away and responds, "How'd you know?!?"
And with a slight smirk the woman says, "You told me yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3is043/old_man_and_woman_sitting_in_a_nursing_home/
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Why'd the pervert get banned from the board game shop?

No fucking clue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3irx7f/whyd_the_pervert_get_banned_from_the_board_game/
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The Psychology Professor's Costume Party

An psychology professor at an esteemed university decided to have a costume party for his birthday.  Every student was invited but would only be let in if they were dressed as an emotion.  This confused but intrigued his class as they were all very astute and eager to party.
The night of the party arrived and the first guest came dressed in all red.
"What emotion are you?" the professor asked.
The student responded, "I'm rage!  Rahhhh!!!"  The professor was impressed and let him in.
The second guest arrived, dressed in all green.  "I'm envy! Nice house!" she said.  She was promptly let in and shown around.
A few hours pass and the party is really going when the doorbell rings.  It was the two Jamaican exchange students.  Both totally naked.  One had his dick in a bowl of custard and the other had a pear on the end of his dick.
"What's going on!!"  The professor exclaimed.  "This is supposed to be a costume party!!  You guys are naked!!"
The two Jamaicans weren't phased.  One said, "Eh mon, me deep in dis pear."
The other said, "and me fucking dis custed!"
They were both let in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3irrb1/the_psychology_professors_costume_party/
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A homosexual guy died and went to Heaven [NSFW]

A homosexual guy died and went to Heaven. Back on Earth he had a big problem. Whenever he saw someone bend over he couldn't contain himself and started butt-fucking the person.  When it was finally his turn to see St. Peter in front of the gates of Heaven St. Peter said:
"I'm sorry buy homosexuality is a sin. I can't let you into Heaven."
The man responded:
"Please, I am a good person, I promise I will change my ways, and I will stop harassing others.
St. Peter thought about it and decided the he seems like a good guy, so he will give him a chance. But just before opening the gates, his sandal came loose, so he bent over to tie it, and the man just couldn't control himself, and started butt-fucking St. Peter. St. Peter obviously got very upset, and condemned the homosexual to Hel.
A few months have passed and St. Peter started thinking what happened to that guy. He forgave him for what he did, because he knew that inside he was a good person, so he decided to visit Hell and see how the man is doing.
As soon as St. Peter got there, he knew something was wrong. The pits of fire were all put out, people were walking around shivering, and the whole place was just freezing. He found Satan, shivering on his throne and asked what was going on in Hell.
To which Satan replied:
"You just try to pick up some wood and see what happens!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3irq7w/a_homosexual_guy_died_and_went_to_heaven_nsfw/
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A man walks into a Cabelas...

He walks up to the counter and asks the teller "Where do you keep your compass'?" The teller says, "They're over on the southeast wall." in which the man replies, "Fuck you, Guy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3irnpq/a_man_walks_into_a_cabelas/
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story:
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge."
"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3irmpx/an_86yearold_man_went_to_his_doctor_for_his/
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A baby born with no eye lids

The mother is in shock and asked if the baby would ever be able to see and the doc replied "oh yes we would just get the skin after the circumcision and use for eye lids"
The mother still in shock asks "but will he be fine?"
The doctor says " yeah a little cock eyed but fine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3irl08/a_baby_born_with_no_eye_lids/
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My grandpa has the heart of a lion,

and a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3irkgg/my_grandpa_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
What's the difference between a radical Muslim...

Q: What's the difference between a radical and a moderate Muslim?
A: The radical Muslim wants to kill you.The moderate Muslim wants the radical Muslim to kill you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3irfrt/whats_the_difference_between_a_radical_muslim/
%
My husband is so weird

He always listens to me for an hour and a half, but then he turns off the tv, and leaves, telling me the match ended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3irdu8/my_husband_is_so_weird/
%
So with the iPhone 6S coming out...

I'm guessing it will be a huge 6-s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3irdn3/so_with_the_iphone_6s_coming_out/
%
I made a belt out of $100 Bills.

It's a waist of money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3irdhr/i_made_a_belt_out_of_100_bills/
%
How many cis-gender white males does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. And it would be his privilege to help out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ir9wr/how_many_cisgender_white_males_does_it_take_to/
%
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ir8ec/why_is_a_laundromat_a_really_bad_place_to_pick_up/
%
I was very naive sexually.

My first girlfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ir21k/i_was_very_naive_sexually/
%
A fisherman, Donald Trump, and an immigrant are all sitting at a bar one day.

They stumble across a lantern and a genie pops out.  "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the genie.
The fisherman says, "I'm a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too.  I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
With a blink of the genie's eye, "POOF" the oceans were teeming with fish.
Donald Trump was amazed, so he said; "I want a huge wall around the US, so that nobody other than the super rich, CEOs, and Wall Street bankers are permitted in our precious nation."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, "POOF" there was a huge wall around the US with no one allowed inside except Donald Trump and his rich buddies.
The immigrant asks, "I'm very curious.  Please tell me more about this wall."
The genie explains, "Well, it's about 250 feet high, 100 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out."
The immigrant says, "Good, fill it with water."
"POOF!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqzau/a_fisherman_donald_trump_and_an_immigrant_are_all/
%
What do you call a middle eastern man with a bounty on his head?

A towel head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqx7x/what_do_you_call_a_middle_eastern_man_with_a/
%
A man's wife threw out his LEGO collection dating back to the 1970's.

She leaves him soon after. His son gathers a group of his friends to look around the house to cheer him up. . Soon the whole neighborhood joins in the effort. His father comes home and immediately panics.
"Son, what are all these people doing here?"
His son replies "We got some. but we're going to find every piece dad."
His father starts to cry and pace.
"Its ok dad, we've already found some of the bricks."
He sighs with relief.
"Bricks? Ah the Lego bricks. I you meant your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqwn3/a_mans_wife_threw_out_his_lego_collection_dating/
%
How many dead hookers do you need to change a light bulb?

Dunno. Seven's not the answer though, my basement is still dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqwe5/how_many_dead_hookers_do_you_need_to_change_a/
%
A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqurb/a_mother_her_daughter_and_a_bowl_of_olives/
%
What do the Japanese do when they have erections?

They vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqttg/what_do_the_japanese_do_when_they_have_erections/
%
When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say?

"Hold on, let me get my bear rings."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqs0t/when_two_bears_asked_a_pastor_to_marry_them_in/
%
Most people don't realize that Iron Man..

Is a Fe-male.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqrpb/most_people_dont_realize_that_iron_man/
%
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night with Paddy the Pilot and Seamus the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".
"You're not fookin kiddin Paddy", replied Seamus.
"Dis is gonna be one a de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.
"You're not fookin kiddin Paddy", replied Seamus.
"Right Seamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straightaway" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy
"I be doing dat already" replied Seamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Seamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Seamus put the engines in reverse, put the fla ps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Seamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Seamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".
Seamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but
look how fookin wide it is".
---
Source: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=169461

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqqwf/aer_lingus_flight_101_was_flying_from_heathrow_to/
%
Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few drinks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqq4f/buffalo_theory/
%
A Case of the pregnant lady

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this..
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,  "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then  she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqoaq/a_case_of_the_pregnant_lady/
%
What do you call the female version of Donald Trump?

🎺

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqmup/what_do_you_call_the_female_version_of_donald/
%
Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME  YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqmrx/exwife/
%
A man with a stutter goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor to consult regarding his stutter.
&nbsp;
**Man:** "D-d-d-doctor, have the re-re-re-results come back yet about the source of my st-st-st-stutter?"
&nbsp;
**Doctor:** "Yes, after extensive examination, I have determined that the reason for your stutter is because of your enormous penis. We will have to perform surgery and replace it with a regular sized one."
Conflicted, the man ultimately agrees as his terrible stutter has hindered him since childhood. He undergoes surgery and had his penis replaced. Thankful, he goes back to his home and returns to his life.
After a few days, the man returns to the doctor troubled.
&nbsp;
**Man:** "Doctor! I would like to have my old penis back again. My stutter is gone but I can no longer satisfy my wife in bed like I used to. Please perform surgery on me again."
&nbsp;
**Doctor:** "N-n-n-no takebacks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqixi/a_man_with_a_stutter_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Horse walks into a bar

Bartender says: "Why the long face?"......
Horse responds: "Because my drinking problem is tearing my family apart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqioe/horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Don't ever date an Aztec woman..

They will rip your god damn heart out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqijm/dont_ever_date_an_aztec_woman/
%
Irishman goes to the circus

and comes across a tent that reads "WORLDS SMARTEST ELEPHANT"  He decides to go in and the announcer is telling people to step up and the elephant can guess your age. The Irishman is skeptical and says its impossible. A little kid steps up and the elephant looks at him and stomps six times.
The kid loses it and ecstatically states "Yes, thats right, I am six!" The Irishman calls bullshit and the announcer tells him to come up and the elephant will prove it to him. The elephant looks the man in the eye for a bit longer then usual and then lets out a massive fart, then stomps two times. The entire tent is quiet and the announcer apologizes for the elephants actions. The Irishman simply says "well I'll be fucked. How did he know I was farty two?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqh97/irishman_goes_to_the_circus/
%
How to stop being intimidated by dates

Just think of them as big raisins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqh0q/how_to_stop_being_intimidated_by_dates/
%
I swallowed two pieces of string last night and this morning they came out of my ass tied together

I shit you knot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqgyx/i_swallowed_two_pieces_of_string_last_night_and/
%
What did the jihadist do when he forgot to study?

He bombed the exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqbir/what_did_the_jihadist_do_when_he_forgot_to_study/
%
I bought my mom a fridge for her birthday present

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iq7i8/i_bought_my_mom_a_fridge_for_her_birthday_present/
%
A politician was walking down the street when he encountered an armed robber...

Robber: (points gun) Gimme all your money!
Politician: You better be careful young fellow, I am one of the most powerful politicians in this goddamn country.
Robber: *thinks*
Robber: Then give back all my money!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iq6f4/a_politician_was_walking_down_the_street_when_he/
%
If Cookie Monster was going to eat a country, what country would he eat?

Viet-nom-nom-nom-nom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iq5n1/if_cookie_monster_was_going_to_eat_a_country_what/
%
My girlfriend thinks I'm stalking her.

Well, she's not my "girlfriend."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iq4e6/my_girlfriend_thinks_im_stalking_her/
%
What's the difference between five dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ipwks/whats_the_difference_between_five_dicks_and_a_joke/
%
What do hospitals and refrigerators have in common?

If you pull the plug, the vegetables start to decompose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ipvw1/what_do_hospitals_and_refrigerators_have_in_common/
%
Say what you will about pedophiles...

...but they do slow down in school zones!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ipv9u/say_what_you_will_about_pedophiles/
%
I would share a joke that my friend in prison sent me in a letter...

But I don't like to quote out of con text.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ipugu/i_would_share_a_joke_that_my_friend_in_prison/
%
I went to an allotment yesterday to find more soil there than the day before. Today, I went there again and found even more soil..

The plot thickens...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iptfg/i_went_to_an_allotment_yesterday_to_find_more/
%
What is the most painful way to be measured

In megahertz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ipsj5/what_is_the_most_painful_way_to_be_measured/
%
Art of Living

Husband comes home from ART OF LIVING session
He greets his wife and lifts her and carries her around the house with a smile
Wife is so surprised and she asked:
Did guruji preach something about being romantic today?
Husband said:
No guruji told us that
"we must carry our burden and sorrow with smile"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ipqui/art_of_living/
%
The Three Dumb Wives

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.
The first guy says, “My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn’t have a garage door.”
The second guy says, “My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn’t have any earphones.”
The third guy says, “My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn’t even have a dick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ipo7l/the_three_dumb_wives/
%
Kids are like farts

The only ones you can stand are your own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ipn6z/kids_are_like_farts/
%
A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...

...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”
She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!”
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says “are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?”
“No”, she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ipjyi/a_bloke_is_in_a_queue_at_the_supermarket/
%
What do you call someone who puts a picture of themselves in a locket?

Independent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ipgv6/what_do_you_call_someone_who_puts_a_picture_of/
%
Engineering in Hell

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ipg27/engineering_in_hell/
%
A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box.

He sets the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the odd quack now and again. The barman realizes that he hasn't had business this good in a long  time. It is so good that he offers to buy the duck from the man to which the man agrees to sell for 500 pounds. The barman thinks it is a bit expensive but agrees to buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man goes home leaving a crowded pub watching his dancing duck. At the end of the night the barman is locking up and the duck is still dancing. The barman thinks oh well time for bed the duck will stop dancing when he wants and the barman goes to bed.
In the morning the barman comes down to open up to see the duck still dancing away on the biscuit tin. The barman thinks to himself, he must really like dancing I'll leave him be. People flock far and wide to look at this dancing duck and with that buying drinks. Throughout the day the barman has taken more money then he normally takes in a whole month. The barman is just locking up at the end of the night and the duck is still dancing away. The barman is concerned that his 'investment' might wear himself out as he's been dancing for the past 24 hours.
Later that night, the man gets a telephone call; it is the barman  and he exclaims that the duck is a great success and that he has never taking so much money in the last 24 hours, but he says -  "There is one thing... How do you get the duck to stop dancing?"  to which the man replies -- "Oh simple - just take the lid of the  biscuit box and blow out the candle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ipffz/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_duck_and_a_biscuit/
%
A man starts wearing cellophane pants around the house.

At first, his wife doesn't mind, since it's in the privacy of their own home, but pretty soon he starts wearing the cellophane pants outside of the house. She makes him go to a psychiatrist and the guy says "Doc, you've got to help me I can't stop wearing these cellophane pants." And the doctor replies, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ipd8i/a_man_starts_wearing_cellophane_pants_around_the/
%
I once went to an all you can eat bakery in France.

It was a painful experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ipczd/i_once_went_to_an_all_you_can_eat_bakery_in_france/
%
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ip9at/a_guy_asked_a_girl_in_a_university_library_do_you/
%
Love is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably s**t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ip821/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
My wife is so weird

She starts every conversation with "were you even listening to me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ip6v4/my_wife_is_so_weird/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ip45o/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_satanist/
%
What does the jewish kid do on the swing?

Pisses off the sniper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ip424/what_does_the_jewish_kid_do_on_the_swing/
%
Circumcision is a sensitive subject...

...but not as sensitive as it used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ip0h5/circumcision_is_a_sensitive_subject/
%
If I had 2 fish

I would name them 1 and 2 so if 1 died I would still have 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ioxd0/if_i_had_2_fish/
%
Australians don't have sex

Australians mate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iox0x/australians_dont_have_sex/
%
Why aren't dwarves allowed at nudist camps?

They allways stick their nose in other people's business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iowq0/why_arent_dwarves_allowed_at_nudist_camps/
%
Your Mother is like Communism...

Shared by everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iokw0/your_mother_is_like_communism/
%
A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway...

A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway. At the end of the first day, her supervisor is impressed. "Wow!" he says. "You did eight miles today! That's amazing!"
The second day, the blonde's production is down to four miles. "Still pretty darn good," the supervisor says.
On the third day, the blonde only does two miles. The supervisor calls her into the office. "What's going on?" he asks. "The first day you did great with eight miles, then yesterday you were down to four, and today you only managed two. What's the problem?"
The blonde rolls her eyes and says "Duh! The paint bucket keeps getting farther away!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iokvt/a_blonde_gets_a_job_painting_lines_on_the_highway/
%
A penis has a sad life:

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, & his owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ioims/a_penis_has_a_sad_life/
%
How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?

Trust me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ioexk/how_do_they_say_fuck_you_in_los_angeles/
%
A man walks into a bar. By the way, I'm the guy who accidentally knocked over Usain Bolt.

Sorry, I'm not good with segways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ioart/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_by_the_way_im_the_guy_who/
%
I once heard a story of a man who played Destiny, trying to get the greatest boots of all time, named The Dubstep Grieves.

He died waiting for the drop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3io884/i_once_heard_a_story_of_a_man_who_played_destiny/
%
A man gets circumcised...

After his surgery, he asks the surgeon, "How much should I pay you?"
The surgeon replies, "Oh, you don't need to pay me anything, I do this sort of stuff for free."
The man, confused, then asks, "How do you make a living?"
The surgeon says, "I just collect the tips."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3io3px/a_man_gets_circumcised/
%
How do find the blind man at the nudist colony?

It's not hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3inu81/how_do_find_the_blind_man_at_the_nudist_colony/
%
What do you call the fear of chainsaws?

Common Sense.
I'll show myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3inst2/what_do_you_call_the_fear_of_chainsaws/
%
I just got back from a boner contest

I must admit, the competition was stiff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3insm4/i_just_got_back_from_a_boner_contest/
%
What do you call a bad circumcision?

A rip off..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3inqz2/what_do_you_call_a_bad_circumcision/
%
Jake wanted a brother

Jake had been asking his father for a brother the whole morning. His dad got annoyed so he gave little Jake some seeds.
"Just put these by the window, it attracts the storks!"
A few months later the neigbors had a baby delivered. Little Jake went to the newfound father and said:
"Just so you know, that wasn't because of your seed, it was because of my dad's seed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3innt3/jake_wanted_a_brother/
%
What does an elderly Mexican have?

Señority

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3inn7r/what_does_an_elderly_mexican_have/
%
What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?

Irene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ink4l/what_do_you_call_an_asian_woman_with_one_leg/
%
Hitler walks into a bar.

The owner, surprised to see the German leader at his bar, asks if he’d like his top-notch bourbon on the house. “No thanks,” Hitler replies. “I’ll just take a screwdriver.” One screwdriver turned into 10 before Adolf called it quits and headed home.
The next night, Hitler returned to the bar, but this time takes up the owner’s offer on the bourbon. “Even the best vodka can make a man sick if he’s had too many,” says the owner. “It wasn’t the vodka,” Hitler replies. “I blame the juice.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3injf8/hitler_walks_into_a_bar/
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Would you remarry?

Husband : Babe, if i die, would you remarry?
Wife : No, i would stay with my sister. If i die, would you remarry?
Husband : No, I would also stay with your sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3in9ur/would_you_remarry/
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MY PARENTS NEVER BUY ME ANYTHING

-Sent from iphone 6

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3in9um/my_parents_never_buy_me_anything/
%
Why did the cyclops quit teaching?

He had only one pupil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3in6uy/why_did_the_cyclops_quit_teaching/
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I think the most profound advice my father ever told me was...

"Stop using me in your bullshit stories."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3in6pa/i_think_the_most_profound_advice_my_father_ever/
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Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3in6dm/researchers_recently_unveiled_a_device_will/
%
Alligators and Condoms

Are two things I don't fuck with

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3in1wv/alligators_and_condoms/
%
The Blonde comes home to find her husband in bed with another woman...

She's so upset and angry she grabs the handgun from the bedside table and holds it up to her own head.
"Baby no!  Don't do it!" screams the husband.
The Blonde replies: "Fuck you mister! You're next."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3imzq3/the_blonde_comes_home_to_find_her_husband_in_bed/
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Did you hear about the guy with the perfectly average facial features.

I hear it was a mean look.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3imz7o/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_with_the_perfectly/
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What's the name of that German guy that keeps hiding my stuff around the house?

Alzheimer, Grandma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3imx9f/whats_the_name_of_that_german_guy_that_keeps/
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Last night I had a nightmare that Ann Coulter died and came back to haunt me...

...she was a coultergeist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3imqz9/last_night_i_had_a_nightmare_that_ann_coulter/
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Joke from my sociology prof

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing...
unless you're at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3imqsu/joke_from_my_sociology_prof/
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A 96 year old man...

After marrying a beautiful young woman, a 96 year old man informed his doctor that he and his new wife were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he accidentally brought his umbrella on the trip. When he was in the woods, a bear charged him unexpectedly. The man whipped out his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and shot and killed it on the spot."
"That's impossible!" the elderly man exclaimed. "Someone else shot the bear."
"My point exactly," the doctor replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3imm3n/a_96_year_old_man/
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What did the doe say as she came out of the forest?

I'll never do that for 5 bucks again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3imjna/what_did_the_doe_say_as_she_came_out_of_the_forest/
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My neighbors listen to good music

If they like it or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3imc8p/my_neighbors_listen_to_good_music/
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My Uncle Benny Always used to Say, "If you like a girl you should buy her a Toothbrush..."

"Because then every time she puts it in her mouth, she'll think of you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3imbpi/my_uncle_benny_always_used_to_say_if_you_like_a/
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I was invited to a costume party and didn't have money for a costume.

I showed up at the door barefoot, shirtless, and wearing nothing but a pair of khaki slacks and no underwear.
When the host asked what I was supposed to be, I replied: "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3im9zn/i_was_invited_to_a_costume_party_and_didnt_have/
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What happened to you little Johnny

Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Jassem".... answered the kid.
"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Jassem returned home. "How was your day, Jassem?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage? Shame on you!" and she beat him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Jassem returned to school..
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
Well ma'am, 4 hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs at home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3im6uk/what_happened_to_you_little_johnny/
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Have you seen the new clear plastic bikinis?

They're worth looking into.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3im6t7/have_you_seen_the_new_clear_plastic_bikinis/
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall...

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down with the old man . He had spiked hair in all different colors : green , red , orange , blue and yellow
The old man just stared at the young man
Every time the young man looked , The old man was staring
Young man : What's the matter old timer , Never done anything wild your life?
Without batting an eye , The old man replied , "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot , I was wondering if you were my son".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3im5fn/an_old_man_was_sitting_on_a_bench_at_the_mall/
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I fucked a sarcastic girl.

She loved it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilzso/i_fucked_a_sarcastic_girl/
%
I changed my password to "incorrect"

So when I forget it my computer will tell me "your password is incorrect"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilyt5/i_changed_my_password_to_incorrect/
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Stephen Hawking can actually be pretty funny sometimes...

But I don't think he's got what it takes to do stand-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ily0q/stephen_hawking_can_actually_be_pretty_funny/
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A chinese couple had a baby

The baby turned out to be white. The father looked sternly at the mother and said: "Two Wongs don't make a white."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilw80/a_chinese_couple_had_a_baby/
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A Woman Says To Her Husband, "I'm Sick And Tired Of You Pushing Me Around, And Talking Behind My Back"

The husband says, "But honey, you're in a wheelchair"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilvrd/a_woman_says_to_her_husband_im_sick_and_tired_of/
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Why do you never play uno with a mexican?

Because they will steal all the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilr8i/why_do_you_never_play_uno_with_a_mexican/
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A quantum physicist gets pulled over.

The police officer asks "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The quantum physicist responds "No, but I know exactly where I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilq6w/a_quantum_physicist_gets_pulled_over/
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Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilpzh/two_factory_workers_are_talking/
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What do anal sex and bungee jumping have in common?

If the rubber breaks, you're in the shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilp6v/what_do_anal_sex_and_bungee_jumping_have_in_common/
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Grandpa is fishing with his 12yrs old grandson...

...and after some time, the grandpa lights a cigarette. The boy asks:
"Grandpa, could I have a cigarette too?"
"Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole?" asks the old man.
"No..."
"Then you're too young for this."
They keep fishing. After a while, the grandpa opens a beer can. The boy asks again:
"Grandpa, could I have a beer too?"
"Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole?" asks the old man once more.
"No..."
"Then you're too young for this."
The kid gets grumpy, but after a while, he takes out the cookies his mum prepared for him and starts eating. His grandpa turns to him and asks:
"Boy, could I have some of those cookies?"
"Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole?"
"Of course it is!" boasts the old man.
"Well then you can go fuck yourself, 'cause you ain't getting any of this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilo1f/grandpa_is_fishing_with_his_12yrs_old_grandson/
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A nun is put to death by a firing squad....

She lived and died holey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilkii/a_nun_is_put_to_death_by_a_firing_squad/
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- Dad, are mermaids fish or women?

-It depends on if you are horny or hungry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilith/dad_are_mermaids_fish_or_women/
%
I never like my hair right after I get it cut,

But after a week it grows on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilihe/i_never_like_my_hair_right_after_i_get_it_cut/
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At the movies.

A man takes his seat at the movies. Popcorn in one hand, he is just getting settle when he notices behind him a duck.
He loudly exclaims "there is a duck here!".
The duck replies "so".
"You are a duck, why are you watching this movie?".
"Well, I liked the book".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilht3/at_the_movies/
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In 101 Dalmatians there were 99 problems and bitches were approximately half of them

This got banned from Showerthoughts for being a pun, and I knew you guys liked puns so here we are!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilgek/in_101_dalmatians_there_were_99_problems_and/
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A woman decides to prank his husband

So she writes a letter that goes like this:
"Im sick of your shit. Im leaving you, I cant stand you anymore, do not look for me, You are the worst mistake of my life"
She leaves it on his nightstand and hides under the bed to see his reaction.
When the husband arrives, he sits on the bed, reads the letter, inmediatly takes out his cellphone and makes a call:
"Hey Darling, I just left my bitch wife. Yes, I cannot believe it, but now we will be happy together, for real. No hiding ever again my love! Im going over there right now"
He writes something on the letter, gets up and leaves the house.
The wife, totally crushed, crying and moaning,  comes out of under the bed and grabs the letter to see what he wrote:
"Your feet were showing, you little shit! Just went to buy some cigarettes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ileei/a_woman_decides_to_prank_his_husband/
%
An Italian and a Greek get in a fight over sex

Greek: the Greeks invented sex centuries before the Italians!
Italians: maybe so but we improved on it  by introducing it to women!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilaeu/an_italian_and_a_greek_get_in_a_fight_over_sex/
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Why did the droids take so long to complete the Death Star?

Because they had bad motivators...
Star Wars fans will get this one...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ilaeb/why_did_the_droids_take_so_long_to_complete_the/
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A priest is walking through the woods at night

He is stopped by a policeman. The priest asks, "What seems to be the problem, officer?" The policeman replies, "A Boy Scout was abducted in the area, and we are looking for a potential child molester." The priest thinks for a second, and says, "I'll do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3il7mq/a_priest_is_walking_through_the_woods_at_night/
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I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate

Let me know if you can come or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3il4yz/im_throwing_a_party_for_people_who_cant_ejaculate/
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I was going to post this funny incest joke last night...

But I was too busy nailing OP's mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3il4bk/i_was_going_to_post_this_funny_incest_joke_last/
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"Good evening bitches and bastards" NSFW

Little John Tidswallow often heard his parents arguing with each other in the lead up to Thanksgiving. 'Bitch!' his father would say, 'Bastard' was the reply from his mother. "What does bitch and bastard mean?" John asked his parents.
Bitch just means a woman, John. And bastard is another word for man. The next day, John hears the words 'dick' and 'pussy' come from his parents. "What does dick and pussy mean?" "Dick is a coat, and pussy is a hat, son". The next day he overhears the words 'fuck' and 'shit'. "What does fuck and shit mean?" he asked. 'Fuck' means to carve, and shit is another word for make-up. Thanksgiving arrived and little John Tidswallow was charged with welcoming the guests when they arrived to the door. "Hello bitches and bastards, you can give me your dicks and your pussies if you want and I'll find a place to put them. Mums just upstairs putting shit on her face and dad is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3il43a/good_evening_bitches_and_bastards_nsfw/
%
I went to a support group for premature ejaculation yesterday.

I wasn't sure what to wear, so I came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3il391/i_went_to_a_support_group_for_premature/
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Joke my grandfather told me

There was this elderly couple, and the wife had always wanted to visit Israel.  Eventually the husband got tired of her nagging him about it and decided to take the trip.
During the trip, however, she dies.
A kind Israeli funeral home owner offers to bury the man's wife for 150$.  The man is not sure he wants to take him up on the offer.
"But it could easily cost you thousands of dollars back in the US, plus the cost of transporting her body!"  The man said he'd think about it.
A few days later, the mortician repeats the offer.  "You'd be crazy to turn this down.  I'm trying to help you out."
"Still not sure" the man says.
A short while later, the funeral director tells the man, "Okay, this is my last offer.  Why on earth wouldn't you want to take it?  Your wife loved Israel; I'm sure she would have liked the idea of being buried here."
The man responded "Yeah, it's a great offer and I really appreciate it.  But I heard there was a fellow buried here one time who came back from the dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3il2oj/joke_my_grandfather_told_me/
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I tried finding work as a Saudi executioner...

...but I couldn't get ahead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3il2m1/i_tried_finding_work_as_a_saudi_executioner/
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Why couldn't the soldier feel his legs?

Because his arms were blown off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ikuy7/why_couldnt_the_soldier_feel_his_legs/
%
what type of meat does the pope eat?

nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iko2g/what_type_of_meat_does_the_pope_eat/
%
Why was 10,209 afraid of 10,210?

Because it was two in tens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ikktj/why_was_10209_afraid_of_10210/
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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.....>

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ik5va/three_contractors_are_bidding_to_fix_a_broken/
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Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

I dont mind doing a 5km  but I cant be fucked doing a 10km run

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ik578/is_it_wrong_to_hate_a_certain_race/
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I got a text from my mother...

'Got a drop of syrup on my apple. It may be done for.'
I replied 'it's just some syrup - go wash it off with hot water. The apple should be fine.'
10 minutes later she texted back 'You don't know a damn thing about Macintosh, do you?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ik4zd/i_got_a_text_from_my_mother/
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My neighbor knocked on my door at 3am!!!! 3 in the morning can you believe that?!

Luckily, I was still awake playing my drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ijyw7/my_neighbor_knocked_on_my_door_at_3am_3_in_the/
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What do you get when you cross the Russian mafia and the Yakuza?

Killed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ijwap/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_the_russian_mafia/
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How do scientists freshen their breaths?

Ex*spearmints*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ijv2o/how_do_scientists_freshen_their_breaths/
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Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ijtis/condoms/
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Why should you always run next to a car?

Because if you run behind it you get exhausted, and if you run in front of it you get tired!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ijqig/why_should_you_always_run_next_to_a_car/
%
Where do Turkish people go to purchase their furniture?

The Ottoman Empire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ijpnk/where_do_turkish_people_go_to_purchase_their/
%
Fun Fact: Jared Fogle was a Mormon

I heard he graduated top of his class at Bring Em Young University

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ijm44/fun_fact_jared_fogle_was_a_mormon/
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A Professor was teaching a Health Class...

When he posed a question to his students.
"I hope you have all done your reading from last night, so tell me, what part of the human anatomy can expand to four times its smallest size?" Seeing a girl not paying attention in the middle row of his class, he called on her: "Susan, you look as if you are very knowledgable in this topic, would you care to answer?"
The girl could only retort "Are you insinuating that I am a slut? I cannot believe you Professor! How could you ask me something so inappropriate! The dean and my parents will hear about this and you will lose your job!"
The professor merely chuckled and asked the boy who had done his reading next to her the same question, upon which he replied correctly "The pupil."
The professor then turned back to the girl and said "Susan, from your response I gather three things. First, you didn't do your reading as I assigned. Second, you have a very dirty mind. And third, someday in your life, you will be VERY disappointed in your lover.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ijhjp/a_professor_was_teaching_a_health_class/
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Today is national dog day and women's equality day...

It's national bitch day.
/r/showerthoughts did not appreciate this. Maybe you guys will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ijh2b/today_is_national_dog_day_and_womens_equality_day/
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Today I saw a poor, old woman trip and fall.

At least, I assume she was poor. She only had $4.75 in her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ijgl5/today_i_saw_a_poor_old_woman_trip_and_fall/
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Racist jokes

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ijg9i/racist_jokes/
%
I phoned the accident helpline.

I didn't mean to though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ijfxf/i_phoned_the_accident_helpline/
%
Why don't men install urinals in their houses?

Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ijaz6/why_dont_men_install_urinals_in_their_houses/
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A flea walks down the beach...

..he see's another flea laying in the sand; frozen and shivering.
"Oh buddy," he said. "What happened?"
"Ww-wWell I wW-Wwas riding in somMMe guy's mustache, and he r-r-rode a moMotorcycle all the way to the beach. I'm frFReezing!."
The other flea took pity on him and gave him some advice.
"Look man, you want to warm up? Go to the airport. Look for a room called 'Stewardess Lounge' and in there is a bathroom. Jump on a toilet seat and wait for a hairy paradise to fall from the sky!"
So a month goes by and the flea is walking down the beach again. He stumbles upon the same flea; frozen and shivering.
"What happened?! Did you go to the place we talked about? Did the hairy paradise fall from the sky?"
"It d-d-did." said the frozen flea.
"I was in the hairy paradise, than sSu-suddenly I'm in some guy's mMMmustache!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ij9ih/a_flea_walks_down_the_beach/
%
Why shouldn't you post to Reddit while driving?

becau

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ij9ej/why_shouldnt_you_post_to_reddit_while_driving/
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What do you get when you cross a rock climber with a tsetse fly?

Nothing.  You can't cross a scaler and a vector.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ij96z/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_rock_climber/
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The Last Supper

At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,
"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."
He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,
"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."
Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,
"You can fuck right off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ij8lc/the_last_supper/
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WALKS INTO A BAR... MONKEY EATS EVERYTHING

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iiy09/walks_into_a_bar_monkey_eats_everything/
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I accidently filled the escort with diesel....

And she died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iixfn/i_accidently_filled_the_escort_with_diesel/
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School is just like a boner, it's hard and long...

Unless you're asian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iiw43/school_is_just_like_a_boner_its_hard_and_long/
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Anatomy joke

What muscle is most responsible for lateral rotation of the neck?
The gluteus maximus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iivse/anatomy_joke/
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How your grandfather died

As Johnny walked into the funeral home to pay his respects to his recently deceased grandfather, he saw his grandmother sitting off to the side and went over to talk to her.
A little taken back by his grandfathers sudden passing, he piped up and asked his grandmother "what happened to such a once healthy man?"
Grandma always was the type to not filter what she says, so she looks at him and says "well, I'll tell ya. Your grandfather and I had a very active sex life. So as we got on in years, we made sure to pace ourselves so nothing happened."
"...ok, so what happened then?" Johnny said.
"Well, when we would make love, we would keep in time with the church bell on Sunday's." She said.
"That makes sense, I guess. So then how did he pass away?"
"That damn ice cream truck drove by"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iiuki/how_your_grandfather_died/
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An elderly couple see a doctor about how to deal with their short term memory loss.

The doctor says to help them remember certain things they should write it down on a piece of paper. One night the couple is watching TV, when the husband starts walking to the kitchen. His wife asks "Can you bring me some strawberries?"
"Sure."
"Aren't you going to write it down so you don't forget?"
"No no. It's fine."
"Well I also want some whip cream. You should write it down so you'll remember."
"Don't worry. I've got it."
"I also want some chocolate syrup on top. You *really* should write it down, dear."
"I got it. Strawberries, whip cream, and chocolate syrup."
The wife sighs as her husband disappears into the kitchen.
After 15 minutes the husband finally comes back carrying a plate of eggs, bacon, and sausage. The wife looks up at him and asks "Where's my toast?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iit9i/an_elderly_couple_see_a_doctor_about_how_to_deal/
%
A gay man walked up behind me at the bar

He asked to push in my stool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iis7a/a_gay_man_walked_up_behind_me_at_the_bar/
%
What is the most popular dating website in the south?

Ancestry.com

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iiqvj/what_is_the_most_popular_dating_website_in_the/
%
4 nuns died in a car crash.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and says "The only reason you aren't already inside is because you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty, if you have a confession, now's the time."
The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. "I saw a man's penis once and had impure thoughts."
St. Peter replied, "That's okay, just wash your eyes out with holy water, and you may enter."
The second nun stepped forward. "I touched a man's penis once."
"That's okay, Sister," St. Peter replied. "Just wash your hands in holy water, and you may enter."
The fourth nun begins to cut in front of the third, and an all-out brawl breaks out between the two. Habits and hair go flying as St. Peter breaks it up. "Sisters, what has gotten into you two?"
The fourth nun, brushing herself off, says, "I only wanted to rinse my mouth out before she sticks her ass in that water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iiqa5/4_nuns_died_in_a_car_crash/
%
Have you ever seen Puns: The Musical?

If not, you really should. It's a great play on words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iiq57/have_you_ever_seen_puns_the_musical/
%
What file archiver do Tigers use?

Win-Rawr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iilre/what_file_archiver_do_tigers_use/
%
The wife asked me, “When you’re on a business trip away, do you think about me?”

Apparently “Only to stop myself from cumming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iijbx/the_wife_asked_me_when_youre_on_a_business_trip/
%
I think my girlfriend is being stalked...

...because I've been seeing people behind her back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iiicf/i_think_my_girlfriend_is_being_stalked/
%
I mowed the lawn today,

and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iig4e/i_mowed_the_lawn_today/
%
chemistry

What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iidkj/chemistry/
%
What do you get when you cross a polar bear and a seal?

A polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iia2s/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_polar_bear_and_a/
%
A sailor walks into a public restroom and up to

a urinal and as he begins to do his business, without fail a 10year-old boy walks in and sees and him he starts to shout, golly Gee Mr., golly are you really a sailor? The sailor looks down at the kid and says sure kid would you like to wear my hat? The boy responded with an excited golly Gee yes! Soon after a marine walks in and up to a urinal also. As he begins to pee again the little boy looks up and again starts, golly Gee Mr, golly Gee are you really a Marine? The Marine being a little more hard-core looks down at the little boy and answers, sure kid would you like to suck my dick? The little boy baffled by this request stops to think about it for a second then replies back at the Marine, oh, I'm not really a sailor I'm just wearing his hat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ii9cx/a_sailor_walks_into_a_public_restroom_and_up_to/
%
A pothead, a rapist and a dog killer walk into a bar.

The Steelers must be in town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ii4lq/a_pothead_a_rapist_and_a_dog_killer_walk_into_a/
%
I had to dump my cross eyed girlfriend

I think she was seeing someone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ii455/i_had_to_dump_my_cross_eyed_girlfriend/
%
An elderly couple sits in church

The old lady leans over and whispers, "I just let out a really big silent fart, what should I do? "
The old man says, "you should replace the batteries in your hearing aid. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ii2el/an_elderly_couple_sits_in_church/
%
A young son walks in on his mom in the bath

Looking at her vagina, he asks "mom, what is that?"
To protect his youthful innocence, she replies "that's where I was hit with an axe sweetie"
The son replies "Oh god, right on your cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ihub7/a_young_son_walks_in_on_his_mom_in_the_bath/
%
What is Donald Trump's rap name?

Toupée Fiasco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ihs88/what_is_donald_trumps_rap_name/
%
Photons have mass?

I didn't even know they were Catholic!
*ba dim tiss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ihoik/photons_have_mass/
%
I named my hard drive "dat ass"

So once a month my computer would ask if I want to back dat ass up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ihjrk/i_named_my_hard_drive_dat_ass/
%
I hit 350lbs on the bench press today

And I think I broke a rib after I fell on it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ihjji/i_hit_350lbs_on_the_bench_press_today/
%
Did I ever tell you the story about the time I climbed Mount Everest?

I made it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ihial/did_i_ever_tell_you_the_story_about_the_time_i/
%
So a priest and his friend play a round of golf.

The friend misses a short putt and exclaims, "Oh shit! I missed." The priest then responds, "Watch what you say! God will strike you down!" Later on in the round the friend misses another short putt, once again exclaiming "Oh shit! I missed again." The priest says back "I warned you before! If you say that one more time God will strike you down!" On the final hole, the priest's friend for the third time misses a short putt and shouts, "Oh shit! I missed!" "That's it," says the priest, "I warned you." Immediately afterwards a huge bolt of lightning comes out of the clear blue sky and strikes the priest. A loud, booming voice erupts from the heavens and says "Oh shit. I missed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ihegz/so_a_priest_and_his_friend_play_a_round_of_golf/
%
I found out I was colorblind last week...

...came right out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ihdmj/i_found_out_i_was_colorblind_last_week/
%
The Homeless Man

A woman is walking down the street and sees a homeless man sitting along the sidewalk. She walks up to him and says
"Excuse me, but when was the last time you had something to eat?"
The man replies "3 days".
The woman, feeling sorry for the man, says "You know what, there's a fast food place nearby. I'll get you something from there." 10 minutes later she comes back and hands the man a bag of food.
The man says,"Thank you so much. Where did you get this food from?"
The woman replies "At the Arby's down the street"
Cringing, the man hands the food back and says,"Eh, what's one more day without food."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ihcom/the_homeless_man/
%
Cake or Bed

CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN
FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE
FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE
SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF
HOURS................................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICESTHE FRIDGE DOOR IS
FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID,
WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ih6n7/cake_or_bed/
%
What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

Telling your parents you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ih5uz/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_rollerblading/
%
Why do chemists love bad jokes?

Their jobs get a lot easier when there are no reactions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igzoh/why_do_chemists_love_bad_jokes/
%
Someone stole my mood ring,

I don't know how I feel about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igx3v/someone_stole_my_mood_ring/
%
Knock knock

-Who's there?
-Ala
-Ala who?
-AKBAR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igvsb/knock_knock/
%
What language does a Jewish homosexual speak?

Heblew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igtwh/what_language_does_a_jewish_homosexual_speak/
%
What kind of coffee do the Islamists hate the most ?

French press

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igrda/what_kind_of_coffee_do_the_islamists_hate_the_most/
%
Did you hear about the Mexican racist?

He joined the Que Que Que

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igq0c/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_racist/
%
Grocery shopping on a diet is easy in Germany..

Just look for the *gluten tag*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igpeb/grocery_shopping_on_a_diet_is_easy_in_germany/
%
North Korean submarine accidentally destroys another North Korean submarine

Woops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igncl/north_korean_submarine_accidentally_destroys/
%
Husband talks to a rabbi.

A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igmma/husband_talks_to_a_rabbi/
%
What do we want? CLICKBAIT!

When do we want it? The answer will shock you...
*****

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igmaq/what_do_we_want_clickbait/
%
I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses.

The rest is a blur.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igjzc/i_got_so_drunk_the_other_night_that_i_lost_my/
%
Elderly couple

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igjdn/elderly_couple/
%
I didn’t get the joke about the hot air balloon.

I think it was over my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igj6b/i_didnt_get_the_joke_about_the_hot_air_balloon/
%
Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony

But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igimx/eating_too_much_cake_is_the_deadly_sin_of_gluttony/
%
I've really got into dating black chicks recently.

Not because they take my fancy but I'm really bad at meeting the dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igi2b/ive_really_got_into_dating_black_chicks_recently/
%
Ugh. Sausage puns.

They're the wurst.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iggj4/ugh_sausage_puns/
%
I went on a blind date once...

...her name was ....:::.....   ::...:..:...:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iga47/i_went_on_a_blind_date_once/
%
I breathed a sigh of relief when I typed the letter "y"...

...when I had to type "analytics" into the search bar during a presentation at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ig45q/i_breathed_a_sigh_of_relief_when_i_typed_the/
%
I came very close to death last night.

I had a wank in a graveyard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ig1cq/i_came_very_close_to_death_last_night/
%
What's the worst thing about running 100 meters in less than 10 seconds?

Being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ifw8v/whats_the_worst_thing_about_running_100_meters_in/
%
My girlfriend starting putting a miniature Sylvester Stallone doll in the middle of the bed a few months ago

Things have been a little rocky between us ever since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ifvq5/my_girlfriend_starting_putting_a_miniature/
%
Two kids camping in the backyard

Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.
"What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise" says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few seconds of screaming a light turn on in another yard and a neighbour yells "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ifsla/two_kids_camping_in_the_backyard/
%
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

You cheat! think your so smart, Making me believe your the most important... pfft!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ifogt/i_used_to_think_the_brain_was_the_most_important/
%
"Honey, I'm pregnant"

"Hello Pregnant", he whispers, tears of joy in his eyes. "I'm Dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ifhj4/honey_im_pregnant/
%
I hate two types of people...

haters and hypocrites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ifh0i/i_hate_two_types_of_people/
%
Delivering the punchline too early.

You know what's the only thing worse than delivering the punchline to a joke too late?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ifgoi/delivering_the_punchline_too_early/
%
What do you call a midget fortune teller, who is wanted by the law?

A Small Medium at Large

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ifauf/what_do_you_call_a_midget_fortune_teller_who_is/
%
White guys can't say the N word

But they can say "Won't happen again officer" and "Welcome home dad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ifaqh/white_guys_cant_say_the_n_word/
%
Black names

Once you've heard one, you've heard Jamal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ifad4/black_names/
%
How did Rihanna know Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ifa7h/how_did_rihanna_know_chris_brown_was_cheating_on/
%
A bear and rabbit were by a creek...

A bear and rabbit were by a creek taking a shit. The bear asks the rabbit. "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur"? The rabbit says "no". The bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3if6mn/a_bear_and_rabbit_were_by_a_creek/
%
What do you say when you are trying to comfort a grammar nazi?

There, their, they're

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3if48u/what_do_you_say_when_you_are_trying_to_comfort_a/
%
A man once became addicted to cocaine from foreign countries. He spent all his money to travel and sample the evil drug in all parts of the world.

Thankfully, he stopped once he hit the Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3if1nj/a_man_once_became_addicted_to_cocaine_from/
%
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's arse and wait.

⏫⏫⏫

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3if0x1/the_only_way_youll_ever_get_laid_is_if_you_crawl/
%
How do you get to the front page of Reddit?

Take a racist joke and throw Donald Trumps name in the title.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3if0rf/how_do_you_get_to_the_front_page_of_reddit/
%
How does a Mexican cut their pizza?

Little Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ievl6/how_does_a_mexican_cut_their_pizza/
%
What does Osama bin Laden and my wife's clitoris have in common?

Took me 10 years to find it, but when I did; killed it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ieti6/what_does_osama_bin_laden_and_my_wifes_clitoris/
%
What do you call two lesbians in the closet?

a liquor cabinet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iesbt/what_do_you_call_two_lesbians_in_the_closet/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iembz/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
Choose Wisely..

A Catholic priest, an Imam and a Buddhist monk were arguing who's Religion is the true Religion.  The Imam said, "to prove this let us jump off a cliff and call out to our god and whoever gets saved has the true Religion.  I believe my religion is the truth so I will go first!"
The Imam jumps and yells, "Allah!  Allah!  Allah!"  Nothing happens and he falls down to his death.
Next the Buddhist monk goes and yells, "Buddha!  Buddha!  Buddha!"  Suddenly, the giant right hand of Buddha appears and catches the monk and sets him down safely.
The Catholic priest was astonished.  "This cannot be right!  I will prove that my religion is the true one!"  He jumps off the cliff and yells, "Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!"  Halfway down he realized nothing is happening so he quickly starts yelling, "Buddha! Buddha!  Buddha!"  Then Buddha's giant right hand appears to catch him.  The priest breathes a sigh of relief, "WHEW!  THANK GOD!!!"  Then Buddha's giant left hand appears and squashes him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iegez/choose_wisely/
%
I bought my retarded son a Komodo dragon, but for safety reasons we keep him in his cage.

Away from the Komodo dragon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iedl5/i_bought_my_retarded_son_a_komodo_dragon_but_for/
%
If the world was a giant sweater, where would all the black people live

In the hood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iebus/if_the_world_was_a_giant_sweater_where_would_all/
%
What does a Mexican get when he slides down a hill?

Gracias

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ie7gl/what_does_a_mexican_get_when_he_slides_down_a_hill/
%
Necrophilia wouldn't be such a big issue...

If the victims were a little bit more outspoken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ie6zv/necrophilia_wouldnt_be_such_a_big_issue/
%
Violets are green, roses are blue...

Alright you bastards, who fucked with the hue?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3idyqe/violets_are_green_roses_are_blue/
%
The USA is changing to the metric system...

Inch by inch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3idwi7/the_usa_is_changing_to_the_metric_system/
%
My 4 year old nephew's favourite joke.

Knock knock!
who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, You're a poo!
Followed by devious laughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iduz8/my_4_year_old_nephews_favourite_joke/
%
Pedophiles aren't all that bad

at least they go slow in school zones!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3idulu/pedophiles_arent_all_that_bad/
%
Capitalization is important. NSFW

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3idsu7/capitalization_is_important_nsfw/
%
THE ULTIMATUM

A couple was married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night—whether you're here or not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ids1q/the_ultimatum/
%
After sex, I pee like a pro basketball player!

Lots of dribbling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3idrr3/after_sex_i_pee_like_a_pro_basketball_player/
%
And now a mediocre blonde joke: what do you call a blonde who dyes her hair

Artificial intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3idq4n/and_now_a_mediocre_blonde_joke_what_do_you_call_a/
%
I bought my ex-girlfriend a new chair...

...but the state won't let me plug it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3idpsv/i_bought_my_exgirlfriend_a_new_chair/
%
Father looks out the window on a snowy evening.

He gets furious and turns red.
"What's the matter, dear," his wife asks.
"It's our daughter's new boyfriend.  He's written his name in the snow with pee."
"Oh. That's not so bad."
"Yeah, but it's in *her* handwriting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3idmzf/father_looks_out_the_window_on_a_snowy_evening/
%
The person with the worst death gets into Heaven..

Three men die and go up to the gates of Heaven. God comes out and says there is only place for 1 person right now so he will judge and whoever had the worst death gets in.
The first person starts and says "Well I suspected my wife of cheating on me, so I came home early and walked into the bedroom and she was lying naked in bed; I looked all around the apartment for the guy, but couldn't find him, I went out onto the balcony and there he was hanging off the edge, so I got really mad, pushed the fridge out and over the balcony, killing the man sleeping with my wife, and accidentally lost my balance, fell off with it and died."
"That's quite bad" says God.
The second guy says "I was walking around in a day-dream and before I realised, I walked too far, and fell off my balcony, luckily I grabbed the balcony below, then this lunatic comes out and throws a fridge on me!"
"That's a terrible way to die!" Says God, so then he asks the third guy:
"Picture this, God, you're standing naked in a fridge...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3idfb7/the_person_with_the_worst_death_gets_into_heaven/
%
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3idc59/one_day_a_man_goes_to_a_pet_shop_to_buy_a_parrot/
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A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.

The giraffe gets rather drunk, and passes out. The bartender doesn't think much of it until the man is about to leave. The bartender remarks to the man, "You can't leave that lyin' there."
The man replies, "No no, that's a giraffe, not a lion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3idc2u/a_man_and_a_giraffe_walk_into_a_bar/
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Another blonde joke

Two blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blonde was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3id7k8/another_blonde_joke/
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A blond goes to bed with a glass of water and an empty one.

The latter is in case she wakes up not feeling thirsty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3id7iy/a_blond_goes_to_bed_with_a_glass_of_water_and_an/
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How many lawyer jokes are there?

3, and the rest are true stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3id2mp/how_many_lawyer_jokes_are_there/
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The seven dwarves went to the Vatican and when the Pope answered the door, Dopey stepped forward...

"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No, Dopey, there aren't," the Pope replied.
Behind Dopey, the six dwarfs started to titter.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persisted.
"No, none in Italy," the Pope answered more sternly.
A few more dwarfs began to laugh openly.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
This time the pope was much more firm.
"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
By this point, the other dwarfs were laughing out loud and rolling on the ground.
"Pope," Dopey demanded. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the world?"
"No Dopey!" He snapped. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
Whereupon the six dwarfs started jumping up and down chanting, "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3icxzi/the_seven_dwarves_went_to_the_vatican_and_when/
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Smoke marijuana...

Smoke marijuana,
Take over the government,
This is a high coup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3icwe4/smoke_marijuana/
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Now that you know, would you ever yell at a parrot?

Her windows were broken as a result of burglary so she called a window repair man for help. Since she couldn't be there, she told the repairman:
> I'll leave my key under the potted plant. Fix the windows and leave the bill on the counter. I'll wire the money over to your account tomorrow.
> FYI, my dog Butch shouldn't bother you. But mind the parrot. **Do NOT** talk to the parrot.
When the repairman arrived, he saw biggest, most intimidating dog he'd ever seen. But the dog never approached him, just like the lady said.
The parrot was another story. The parrot screeched profanities at him and repeatedly called him a "horse-shit snorting faggot" with a "tiny-ass dick". The man briefly wondered whether the lady taught the parrot those phrases specifically. The repairman was a very patient man. But soon enough he lost his temper and yelled at the bird, "Shut the hell up!"
To which the parrot responded, "Fetch the balls, Butch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3icrm2/now_that_you_know_would_you_ever_yell_at_a_parrot/
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How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3icqz1/hows_donald_trump_going_to_get_rid_of_all_the/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*cough* *choke* *gargle*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3icqqt/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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The minister's wife and the parrot

A minister's wife goes to buy a parrot for her husband, who's always wanted one.  The pet store owner says he only has one parrot left, but until yesterday it lived in a brothel.
"Oh no, my husband's a minister, I couldn't take that parrot," she says.
The store owner assures her it doesn't swear or say anything inappropriate so she buys it, but she's wary.
When she gets the parrot home, it looks around and says, "new house...new house".  She starts to feel better.
When her two daughters come home, the parrot looks at them and says, "new girls...new girls."  The minister's wife is feeling good and can't wait until her husband gets home.
When her husband gets home, the parrot looks at him and says, "Hi Dave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3icqlp/the_ministers_wife_and_the_parrot/
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Life of an avocado

* Not yet
* Not yet
* Not yet
* Not yet
* Not yet
* EAT ME NOW!
* Too late.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3icobt/life_of_an_avocado/
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Why was the hipster drinking milk?

He liked Ice Cream before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3icnzp/why_was_the_hipster_drinking_milk/
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Jared likes his women like he likes his sandwiches

6 and 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3icnv4/jared_likes_his_women_like_he_likes_his_sandwiches/
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What's the difference between a clever midget and my ex-girlfriend, the trackstar?

One's a cunning runt... and I forget the rest, but your mother is a whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3icktp/whats_the_difference_between_a_clever_midget_and/
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Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW)

He got off on a peel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ickmf/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_was_convicted_for/
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Would Orlando Bloom?

No, but Elijah Wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ichr9/would_orlando_bloom/
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A Christian couple finally get married...

and go on the honeymoon of their dreams. They've both abstained from sex their whole life. So when they finally have some alone time, things get hot pretty quickly.
The husband, wanting to hurry things up, takes off his wife's shoes and socks.
The wife does the same, but is horrified when she sees his disfigured toes.
"What happened?" she says.
"Well when I was 9 I had a horrible case of tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No! Tolio!" responds the husband.
They continue to kiss and after a little while they start to undress each other, this time taking off the pants.
When the wife takes off her husband's she again is horrified, this time by his ugly knees, ridden with warts and bumps.
The husband reluctantly reveals that when he was 12 he had a nasty case of the kneasles.
"Don't you mean measles?" says the wife.
"NO! Kneasles!" the husband responds a little more annoyed.
Not wanting to ruin the night, they continue to make out. The husband then completely undresses his wife and is in awe of her beauty.
The wife does the same, but when she rips off his underwear she jumps back in shock.
"Oh my!!! Let me guess, when you were 15 you had a horrible case of the smallcox!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3icgmw/a_christian_couple_finally_get_married/
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A German, an Austrian, a nun and a young attractive woman on a train

A German, an Austrian, a nun and a attractive woman sit on a train. The lights in their car are broken so in every tunnel it gets really dark.
The train drives through a tunnel, it gets dark and suddenly you hear a slap and someone cries out in pain. When it gets bright again its obvious that the Austrian was slapped in the face.
The nun thinks: Well he tried to grope the young woman, so she slapped him.
The young woman thinks: He tried to grope me but messed up and touched the nun, who slapped him.
The Austrian thinks: That german guy tried to grope the woman and she tried to slap him, missed and hit me.
The German thinks: In the next tunnel ill hit him again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3icabn/a_german_an_austrian_a_nun_and_a_young_attractive/
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My Grandfather told me "Your generation relies too much on technology."

Me: "No your generation relies too much on technology."
I then pulled out his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ic3iz/my_grandfather_told_me_your_generation_relies_too/
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So I broke up with the Japanese girl I was dating

I had to drop the bomb twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ic0sp/so_i_broke_up_with_the_japanese_girl_i_was_dating/
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PC problem

Political correctness has become so oppressive. I can't even say "Black paint" anymore, I have to say "Jamal would you please paint that fence?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ibwxs/pc_problem/
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Coin toss

Little Johnny : I was feeling so sleepy this morning that I tossed a coin to decide whether I should attend class or go back to bed.
His Friend : So, what did you finally do?
Little Johnny : I had to toss 10 times before I could finally go back to bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ibmzp/coin_toss/
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What's so good about living in Switzerland?

Not sure but the flag's a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ibmjn/whats_so_good_about_living_in_switzerland/
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Can you imagine if none of the midwives showed up for a birth?

That would be a midwife crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ibkve/can_you_imagine_if_none_of_the_midwives_showed_up/
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Pickup truck

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of cheetahs. He pulls the guy over and says... "You can't drive around with cheetahs in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says "OK"... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of cheetahs, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... "I thought I told you to take these cheetahs to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies... "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ibja3/pickup_truck/
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"I just deleted all the German names off my phone."

***"It's Hans free"***
*Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.*
**The rest of the top ten.**
2 -"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
3 - "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
4 - "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
5 - "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
6 - "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
7 - "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
8 - "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
9 - "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
10 - "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child
**Honourable mentions.**
"I never lie on my CV…because it creases it." - Jenny Collier
"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself" - Ian Smith
"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" - Tom Ward
"Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't" - Gyles Brandreth
"Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'" - Ally Houston
"Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism" - James Acaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ibe9c/i_just_deleted_all_the_german_names_off_my_phone/
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Does He Bite

Reggie: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him?
Ron: Well, I don't know---does he bite?
Reggie: That's what I want to find out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ibbh2/does_he_bite/
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Whats the useless skin around the vagina called?

The woman...
Im sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ibadc/whats_the_useless_skin_around_the_vagina_called/
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I've always wanted to pursue a career in self-deprecating humor

I'd go for it if I wasn't so fucking stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ib6ur/ive_always_wanted_to_pursue_a_career_in/
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I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59

Because I really like that one-to-one time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ib6as/i_usually_meet_my_girlfriend_at_1259/
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Daddy can I go out dancing with my friends tonight?

Dad can I go out dancing with my friends tonight?
Sure, but not with that miniskirt you're wearing
But dad why not?
Cause I can see your cock, George

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ib3n7/daddy_can_i_go_out_dancing_with_my_friends_tonight/
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a guy in a mental hospital

...had a toothbrush on a leash. For many months he called him Johnny. At every session his doctor would ask him what he has with him and every time he would say "my pet, Johnny".
Many session went by and everytime the same. However on a monday morning the unexpected happend. He told his doctor "this is a toothbrush on a leash." The doctor happy that he made progress signed his release form the very next day.
As the guy exited the mental hospital he looked back and said "We got him good, Johnny."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ib315/a_guy_in_a_mental_hospital/
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2 old men with alzheimer's are chatting about the good old day's

The one askes the other
'What's the name of the game reserve we use to go to every summer?'
The other guy thinks for a minute before he turns to his wife and asks...
'Honey, what do you call the red flower with the thorns on the stem?'
'A rose' she replys
He then askes her
'Rose, what's the game reserve we use to go to in the summer?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ib1dx/2_old_men_with_alzheimers_are_chatting_about_the/
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TIL why my adopted daughter keeps screaming "Reddit Gold"

Apparently there's this really popular movie with a hit song that kids just love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iastz/til_why_my_adopted_daughter_keeps_screaming/
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A sadist and a masochist are in bed

the masochist says spank me and the sadist says no.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ias6w/a_sadist_and_a_masochist_are_in_bed/
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The farmer and his 3 daughters

There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun.
At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, "Hello, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bettie, we're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?".
The farmer paused, then said "Ok, she's ready" .
Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said" Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show. She ready to go?".
The farmer paused again and said "yeah, she's ready".
A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said "Hello, my name is Chuck..... " and the farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ianvc/the_farmer_and_his_3_daughters/
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Did you hear the bad news about the Italian chef?

He pasta way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ian99/did_you_hear_the_bad_news_about_the_italian_chef/
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A lion offspring asked his dad "What is a world series?"

"I don't expect you to understand son, you are just a Cub"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iamjy/a_lion_offspring_asked_his_dad_what_is_a_world/
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Why can't the professional jenga player have kids?

Because he is the best at pulling out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iamb4/why_cant_the_professional_jenga_player_have_kids/
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A peasant was arguing with his wife...

... when, in a fit of rage, he threw her down the well.
A week later, he goes back to the well, hoping she got calmed, and he thew down a ladder in the well.
The only thing, it's the devil who got out, and thanked the peasant.
-- Gosh, thanks! It was getting unbearable with her down there! Well, to thank you, take this little bunch of herbs. In a few months, when you'll hear that a princess is possessed by the demon, go see the king, and burn the herbs near her, and the King will reward you. But I warn you that this trick will only work once!
Sure enough, in a few months, he learns that the princess is possessed by the demons, and no exorcism is able to stop it. So he goes to the capital, and asks to see the princess.
Since nothing they tried has worked, they let him in, and he burns the herbs the devil gave him, and sure enough, within minutes, the devil leaves the princess, probably blinking at the peasant, before vanishing.
Everyone is relieved that the princess is saved, the King foremost. So he rewards the peasant with the governorship of his province, and he gets very wealthy and successful.
A few years later, another princess is possessed by the demon. When asked to repeat his feat, he said that he is no longer able to do it. The King, furious, has him summoned to the princess.
When he gets there, the devil recognize him and says "hey! I told you that the trick only works once!"
-- Oh, I'm not there for that; I just wanted to warn you that my wife just got out of the well and that she is pissed-off at you, and she is looking for you right now.
The devil let a blood curdling scream, and fled away so far that they never heard of him ever again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iajvf/a_peasant_was_arguing_with_his_wife/
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A mean mathematician

is just an average guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iaia5/a_mean_mathematician/
%
Why was the Butcher depressed?

Because his life was in shambles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iah6z/why_was_the_butcher_depressed/
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I lost my watch at a party once...

I saw this guy stepping on it while sexually assaulting a girl. I walked up to him and punched him right in the nose. No one does that to a girl. Not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iabd9/i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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If the next president is white....

That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ia9d7/if_the_next_president_is_white/
%
Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the tee shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks’, and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?"
She explained, “The egg timer's broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ia7a5/morning_sex/
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"Fifty dollars is Fifty dollars!"

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ia6sp/fifty_dollars_is_fifty_dollars/
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Why do Pedophiles love Pianos?

Because they can touch A Minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ia2aq/why_do_pedophiles_love_pianos/
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What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter. - [*Masai Graham*](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ia0vn/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet.

So far I've got eight fridges.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9sfe/im_really_pleased_with_my_new_fridge_magnet/
%
What does my ex and a tampon have in common?

They're both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9qox/what_does_my_ex_and_a_tampon_have_in_common/
%
One time a kid named Jonny heard the phrase "Purple Passion".

He had no idea where he heard it or what it even meant.
But by god, He was going to find out.
So one day at school He decided he would ask his teacher.
He raised his hand, the teacher called on him and he stood
up and asked. “Teacher, what is Purple Passion?"
The teacher obviously appalled by the question replied
"Jonny!, how dare you ask such a question. Go to the Principal’s office right this minute."
Jonny, confused, picked up his things and made his way to the Principal’s office.
Once there, the Principal welcomed him in and had him take a seat.
“So Jonny” He said “What brings you here?”
“Well” Jonny said. “I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was.
And she sent me here. So do you know what Purple Passion Is?
The Principal looked at Jonny and Said “I am very disappointed in you Johnny.
This calls for a suspension. Get your things and go home”.
Jonny, again confused, grabbed his things and walked home.
When he got home, he surprised his mom who asked, “What are you doing home?”
To which Jonny replied “I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was.
And she sent me to the principal’s office So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me
and sent me home. So what is purple passion?”
“JONNY!” his mother yelled “ How dare you ask such a question, you are GROUNDED! Get up to your
room and stay there.”
So, confused Jonny is sitting on his bed board out of his mind when he decides he is going to sneak out
of his bedroom window.
Once out, he’s walking down the street of his neighborhood when the town Sheriff stops and says,
“Jonny! What are you doing out of School?”
“Well” Jonny says. “I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was.
And she sent me to the principal’s office, So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me
and sent me home. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out
of the bedroom window and now I’m here. So, What’s Purple Passion?
The officer promptly grabs Jonny and handcuffs him. “You are going to jail young man” he says.
So there is Jonny sitting in jail. When the jail guard comes up and asks “What are you in for?”
Jonny looks at him and says “I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was.
And she sent me to the principal’s office So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me
and sent me home. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out
of the bedroom window and was stopped by a cop and I asked him what purple passion was and he
arrested me and sent me here.  So do you know what purple passion is?”
“Well son” the jail guard said. “You just earned an express ticket to see the Judge due to your vulgar
expletives.”
When Jonny was brought in front of the Judge, he was asked to explain what he had done wrong.
He said “Your Honor.  I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was.
And she sent me to the principal’s office, So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me
and sent me home. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out
of the bedroom window and was stopped by a cop and I asked him what purple passion was and he
arrested me and sent me to jail, so I asked the Guard what Purple Passion was and he sent me here. So
what is Purple Passion?”
The judge slammed down his gavel and said “For this outrage I shall send you to the Supreme Court.”
(Just roll with it).
When standing In front of the Supreme Court Judge, He was asked why he was there, to which he
responded “Sir, I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was.
And she sent me to the principal’s office So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me
and sent me home,. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out
of the bedroom window and was stopped by a cop and I asked him what purple passion was and he
arrested me and sent me to jail, so I asked the Guard what Purple Passion was and he sent me to court, I
asked the judge what purple passion was and he sent me here. So what is Purple Passion?”
“YOU ARE TO BE DEPORTED!!!!!” The Judge yelled. “Bailiff, Get this pond scum out of my sight.”
So now Jonny is sitting in Thailand and a man walks up to him and asks him why he is sitting depressed
on the side of the street.
And Jonny told him the story. “I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was.
And she sent me to the principal’s office, So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me
and sent me home. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out
of the bedroom window and was stopped by a cop and I asked him what purple passion was and he
arrested me and sent me to jail, so I asked the guard what Purple Passion was and he sent me to court, I
asked the Judge what purple passion was and he sent me to Supreme Court where I asked that Judge
what Purple Passion was and he had me deported, and now I’m here, Do you know what Purple Passion
is?”
The man Said “You know kid, I don’t know what it is. But do you see that old man across the street?  He
knows what purple passion is.”
Jonny jumped to his feet, Overjoyed he ran across the street and BAM he got hit by a car and died.
Moral of the story:  Look both ways when crossing the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9oag/one_time_a_kid_named_jonny_heard_the_phrase/
%
A father and his son are having dinner...

When the son abruptly asks
"Dad, is it safe to eat bugs?"
The father feeling disgusted responded with
"Now, son, that's not a question for the dinner table"
Later on after dinner the father walks over to the son and asks
"Now what was that question you had?"
The son looked up at him cheerfully and responded
"Oh it doesn't matter dad, you already ate the soup!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9mwz/a_father_and_his_son_are_having_dinner/
%
Hear about the new book that teaches both reading and STD prevention?

It's called See Dick Run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9lfw/hear_about_the_new_book_that_teaches_both_reading/
%
God damn auto correct...

Always making me say things I didn't Nintendo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9l8u/god_damn_auto_correct/
%
Why did Einstein cross the road?

So the other side could get to him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9l7u/why_did_einstein_cross_the_road/
%
Alfred : Master Bruce, Quess Who I Saw Today?

Bruce Wayne : Who?
Alfred : Not Your Parents.
Bruce Wayne : Why You're Doing This Alfred?
Alfred : They Told Me To
Bruce Wayne : Who?
Alfred : Not Your Parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9kpd/alfred_master_bruce_quess_who_i_saw_today/
%
Born too late to explore the earth, born too early to explore the Galaxy...

...born too ugly to explore a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9ki6/born_too_late_to_explore_the_earth_born_too_early/
%
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house....

I said Decepticons...
She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed I shot the toaster we all had a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9ka7/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_carry_a_gun_around_the/
%
I love dry erase boards...

They're remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9g20/i_love_dry_erase_boards/
%
My other half and I went to a restaurant.

I said to the waitress, "Can I have the lemon grilled salmon?"
"Do you want anything on the side?"
I said, "I can't answer that with my wife sitting next to me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9d5u/my_other_half_and_i_went_to_a_restaurant/
%
Who was the greatest prostitute in history?

Ms. Pac-man. For 25 cents she would swallow balls until she died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9c7w/who_was_the_greatest_prostitute_in_history/
%
I saw a bunch of youths hitting an old lady.

I stopped my car, wound down my window and yelled, "Excuse me, that's my mother-in-law."
"And what?" they replied.
"And she's still moving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9bo5/i_saw_a_bunch_of_youths_hitting_an_old_lady/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i9afo/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are in a bar

After a few drinks Steven says he's thinking about making an action movie about classical composers
Sylvester says "I wanna be Mozart!"
Arnold says "in that case...I'll be Bach"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i99dj/steven_spielberg_arnold_schwarzenegger_and/
%
Why did the old man put jelly beans in his pill organizer?

He had dementia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i98lw/why_did_the_old_man_put_jelly_beans_in_his_pill/
%
Since Michael Jackson's death hundreds of children have gathered at the gates of Neverland. Police have said that they will let them out once they find a locksmith.

- http://ww.key-n-lock.com

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i97t2/since_michael_jacksons_death_hundreds_of_children/
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Strange lady

A waiter noticed a woman stuffing bits of food down her shirt.  He thought it was rather strange, but he figured that since it's her food she could do what she wanted with it.
But after a while the waiter noticed that the woman's behavior was making some of the other patrons uncomfortable. So he approached her and said "Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to stop putting food down your shirt.  It's bothering some of the other customers."
The woman looked around indignantly and said "Why do you people feel so threatened by a woman breastfeeding!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i94ty/strange_lady/
%
The best part of being single is being able to sleep around...

You get to sleep all over your bed. Left, right, diagonal, or in the middle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i943n/the_best_part_of_being_single_is_being_able_to/
%
A man walks into a bar.....

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your fucking' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i92wh/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did one penis say to the other penis?

I just want to belong

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i91yo/what_did_one_penis_say_to_the_other_penis/
%
- Hi, this is NSA calling. - Yes, I know. - How do you know?

-- My phone is turned off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i8xjb/hi_this_is_nsa_calling_yes_i_know_how_do_you_know/
%
Every time a famous music composer dies...

... he starts decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i8v8q/every_time_a_famous_music_composer_dies/
%
I met the inventor of the trampoline.

He's an all round nice guy, but a bit jumpy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i8ujb/i_met_the_inventor_of_the_trampoline/
%
Did you know that more black men died in Vietnam than white men?

It's all because when their sergeant would yell get down they would all start dancing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i8udr/did_you_know_that_more_black_men_died_in_vietnam/
%
There once was a lady named Sue...

..who didn't have much to do.
So she pulled out the vacuum,
and went to the bathroom,
and found a new way to go poo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i8r12/there_once_was_a_lady_named_sue/
%
"Grandpa what are you doing?"

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i8pht/grandpa_what_are_you_doing/
%
Day 3 in the desert:

I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i8ils/day_3_in_the_desert/
%
what did the old man say before he kicked the bucket?

old man "how far do you think i can kick this bucket".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i8h4p/what_did_the_old_man_say_before_he_kicked_the/
%
What's the only thing working out at the gym?

The business plan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i8ekv/whats_the_only_thing_working_out_at_the_gym/
%
A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods when they stumble upon a genie lamp.

They agree to a ceasefire for the moment to check it out. The bear rubs it with his paw and poof! Out pops a genie. The genie informs them they are allowed three wishes each.
Bear roars "I wish to be the only male bear in these woods, so that all the females will love only me!"
Genie says "As you wish." and all the male bears in the woods turn to females.
Rabbit jumps in excitedly "I want a motorcycle!"
Genie says "Granted." and a beautiful, shiny rabbit motorcycle pops out.
Bear, scratching his chin, roars "To heck with it, I wish to be the only male bear in this country!"
Genie says "It is done." and all the male bears in the country turn to females.
Rabbit, revving the engine of his new bike quickly follows up with "I want a helmet!"
Genie says "Your wish is my command." and a beautiful, shiny rabbit helmet pops out.
Bear, clearly very happy with himself stands up to his full height and bellows "I wish to be the only male bear in the world!"
Genie says "Voila!" and all the male bears in the world turn to females.
Rabbit, strapping his helmet on says "I wish bear is gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i8ce9/a_bear_is_chasing_a_rabbit_through_the_woods_when/
%
what's brown and rhymes with snoop?

dr. dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i89y3/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i87k8/his_wife_suggested_that_he_should_see_a_sex/
%
GOD SENT YOU

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.
"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why, God sent you, honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.
"Yes, sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"
"Yes, honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief.
"Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i83bc/god_sent_you/
%
Dads... on the loose...

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko...
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
19. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Texas Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
What is brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
What do you call a defective boomerang?
A stick.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the monkey.
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH.
What do you call a deer with no eye?
No ideer.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter-- he can't come to you anyway.
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take him out for a drag.
When geese fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than the other?
There are more geese on that side.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
What's yellow and gooey and smells like bananas?
Monkey snot.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
They have big fingers.
Why does Tigger smell bad?
He's always playing with pooh.
What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
What do you call a missing parrot?
A polygon.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
Did you hear about the human cannonball who lost his job?
They needed a guy of better caliber.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track?
Three pieces of alligator.
How do you make a strawberry shake?
Put it into the freezer until it shivers.
What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
How do you make a peach into a vegetable?
Step on it and make it squash.
Why did the orange stop running?
It ran out of juice.
You know how to make gold soup?
Add 24 carrots.
Which part of a vegetable is the hardest part to eat?
The wheelchair.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Did you hear about the two peanuts who were out too late?
One was a salted.
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve vegetables!" The mushroom responds, "But I'm a fungi!"
How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
Hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a white elephant?
Tickle it pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a yellow elephant?
Who's ever heard of a yellow elephant?
Why do elephants wear sandals?
So they don't sink in the sand.
Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
To look for elephants who forgot their sandals.
What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
Grapes are purple.
What did Jane say when the elephants came over the hill?
"Look, here come the grapes!" (Jane was colorblind.)
What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill?
"Here come the elephants!" Tarzan wasn't colorblind.
What did Tarzan say when the elephants wearing sunglasses came over the hill?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.
What did Tarzan say when the giraffes came over the hill?
"You pesky elephants fooled me before, but not this time!"
How do you hide an elephant?
Paint his toenails red and put him up in an apple tree.
Did you ever see an elephant in an apple tree?
It works, doesn't it?
How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen?
Four. Two in the front and two in the back.
How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the butter.
How do you know if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.
How do you know if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
You can't get the door closed.
How do you know if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
There's a Volkswagen parked out front.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks.
What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant?
Run around and around until you're pooped out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i82pv/dads_on_the_loose/
%
I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked. "Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails. "How about if I became impotent and couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked anxiously. "Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails. "Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Milton went on, "What if I weren't pulling in six figures any more—would you still love me then?" The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Milton, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i81ey/ill_always_love_you/
%
First I got a tattoo on my cervical that said "5".

Next, I got one on my thoracic that said "4"
Then, I got one on my lumbar that said "3"
After that, I got one on my Sacrum that said 2"
And now, I'm getting one on my Coccyx that says "1"
It's the spinal countdown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i7z4f/first_i_got_a_tattoo_on_my_cervical_that_said_5/
%
What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i7v9v/whats_a_pirates_least_favourite_letter/
%
I was watching CSI

and they found some semen in a woman's ear
I guess she heard the killer coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i7rwf/i_was_watching_csi/
%
Why is my algebra textbook so sad?

It has a lot of problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i7qy1/why_is_my_algebra_textbook_so_sad/
%
I was looking for a dating website with lots of Christians

So I joined Ashley Madison

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i7p43/i_was_looking_for_a_dating_website_with_lots_of/
%
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type,

I'd be her type.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i7o5b/if_i_got_1_every_time_a_woman_said_i_wast_her_type/
%
Why is Def leppard the best band to listen to while driving?

Because you only need one arm to drum along..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i7o3d/why_is_def_leppard_the_best_band_to_listen_to/
%
How many potatos do you need to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i7mmy/how_many_potatos_do_you_need_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
A cowboy is walking naked down main street...

and the sheriff came driving by and saw him. BWOOP BWOOP! He pulls over and talks to him.
"Son, why are you naked in the middle of town?"
The cowboy chuckles and says "Well, it's a long story."
"There is a naked cowboy on main street in my town. I got time for a long story, let's hear it."
"Alright,  so I was throwin' hay in my barn when a pretty little blonde lady comes in and says 'It's mighty hot in here, why don't you take your shirt off?' I did and she did the same, and I didn't mind. Then she says 'why don't ya set down and take your boots off?' I do and she set down beside me. Then she says 'why don't ya take them pants off?' I do and she does the same. Then she looks at me and says 'now go to town.' So here I am!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i7h71/a_cowboy_is_walking_naked_down_main_street/
%
A boss said to his secretary...

"I want to have sex with you, and I'll make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor and by the time you're done picking it up, I'll be finished. The best part? You get to keep the money." The secretary thinks this over and decides to call her boyfriend for advice. After hearing the situation, her boyfriend says, "Ask for $2000, and then pick the money up so fast he won't have time to undress." She really likes this idea, so she takes him up on it. "I'll see you in 10 minutes when I get home, honey." 30 minutes later, the boyfriend is flustered and decides to call the secretary. "What's going on in there? Why aren't you home yet?!" She responds with, "He used quarters."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i7gd7/a_boss_said_to_his_secretary/
%
Recently my girlfriend has got into equestrian bdsm

Last evening she asked me to watch her whip, then watch her nay nay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i7fz6/recently_my_girlfriend_has_got_into_equestrian/
%
Sex positions for tiny dicks

Fuck, this isn't google. **How do I get this off of here?**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i7fi8/sex_positions_for_tiny_dicks/
%
A man walks into a bar.....

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.
A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."
"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."
So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!"
"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i7bf3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why was the beaver mad

because no one came to his damn party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i79ly/why_was_the_beaver_mad/
%
Did you know that Irish only put 239 beans in their chili??

If they added just one more, it would be too-farty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i790g/did_you_know_that_irish_only_put_239_beans_in/
%
Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter?

Because the shelter was non prophet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i78eg/why_couldnt_moses_adopt_a_kitten_from_the_animal/
%
A rich man and poor man are at a bar.

A rich man and poor man are at a bar, the rich man turns to the poor man, 'it's my 10 year wedding anniversary on Tuesday.'
The poor man looks astonished, 'it's my 20 year wedding anniversary on Thursday!  What are you planning on getting her?'
The rich man goes, 'I'm getting her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz.'
The poor man, looking confused, asks, 'why both?  Isn't one or the other surely enough?'
The rich man responds, 'well, I figure if she doesn't like the necklace, she still has a nice car.  What are you getting your wife?'
The poor man looks down, 'I'm getting her a pair of slippers and a dildo.'
The rich man is taken aback, 'slippers and a dildo, that's an odd combination?'
The poor man looks up, 'well, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i77j7/a_rich_man_and_poor_man_are_at_a_bar/
%
What did you do in the war?

USSR, september, 1945. A teacher asks his class what were they doing during the war. Little Masha said she was helping nurses in a hospital, little Boris says he worked in a factory. Little Vova said he was helping artillerists by bringing them shells. Amazed, the teacher asks if the soldiers ever said anything to him.
-Yes, they would smile and say "zer gut, Voldemar!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i77b7/what_did_you_do_in_the_war/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i756b/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_going_to_the/
%
In class room . Russia , after the war .

Russia , 1951 . school teacher asked the children. Who were your fathers ? the first boy said, " driver " , the second "The Postman ." I ask a question about the third . He said, " electrician. He was wearing a helmet and helmet were two lightning . (P.s - sorry for my english :) )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i73qb/in_class_room_russia_after_the_war/
%
5 Neanderthals in a shower looking around...

... But you know, no homo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i73m2/5_neanderthals_in_a_shower_looking_around/
%
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing

match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i731h/a_guy_and_his_wife_are_sitting_and_watching_a/
%
Satan appeared at the front of the church

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i72st/satan_appeared_at_the_front_of_the_church/
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Friendship Merit!!!!

=>Boy: Hi
=>Girl: What?
=>Boy: How are you?
=>Girl: Do I know you?
=>Boy: I’m rich
=>Girl: Hi, I am Nani, I’m 20, nice to meet you!
=>Boy: no no, “Rich” is my name
=>Girl: sorry I don’t talk to boys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i6xt4/friendship_merit/
%
Why are there walls/fences around the cemetery?

Because people are dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i6vlk/why_are_there_wallsfences_around_the_cemetery/
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Do you know why flamingos sleep with one leg pulled up?

If they pulled both legs up, they would fall over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i6uni/do_you_know_why_flamingos_sleep_with_one_leg/
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You can't run through a camp ground.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i6um8/you_cant_run_through_a_camp_ground/
%
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I'm not sure... but the flag's a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i6osl/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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So I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl...

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection! Please don't get an erection!"
But she did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i6n6s/so_i_was_sitting_on_the_train_this_morning/
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.

As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i6jt9/i_went_to_the_cemetery_yesterday_to_lay_some/
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Stolen car

After a meeting, I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room, it wasn't there too.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is the car will be stolen if left at the ignition key slot..
Immediately, I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, Description of the car, Place I parked, etc, I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that the car had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband, "Honey", I stammered, "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a big silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, and happy as well, I said, "Well, then please come and get me."
He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman, that I have not stolen your car."...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i6ieb/stolen_car/
%
My son was upset his personalised number plate name was already taken

I'd never seen little YCM-846 so sad before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i6i8j/my_son_was_upset_his_personalised_number_plate/
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Fat Cow

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i6hel/fat_cow/
%
KFC Calls Pope

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from,
'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i6cuc/kfc_calls_pope/
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want to hear a joke about pizza?

nevermind... it's too cheesy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i6b95/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_pizza/
%
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open.......

A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i6ant/a_blonde_woman_is_walking_down_the_street_with/
%
I don't understand the big deal about same sex marriage

Ask any married couple, they'll tell you the sex has been the same for years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i68rm/i_dont_understand_the_big_deal_about_same_sex/
%
Two Women Talking in Heaven

1 Woman: Hi, Wandal
2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How’d you die?
1 Woman: I froze to death.
2 Woman: How horrible!
1 Woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1 Woman: So what happened?
2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1 Woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer-we’d both still be alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i65rs/two_women_talking_in_heaven/
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If I find out who stole my copy of MS office, I'll kill you...

You have my Word!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i63u1/if_i_find_out_who_stole_my_copy_of_ms_office_ill/
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What caused "The Black Death"?

The police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i6355/what_caused_the_black_death/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile
(Im going to fucking hell. I shouldnt have laughed at this so hard.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i62tq/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
%
Three moles are dig dig digging a hole

The first mole stops and says "mm! I smell me some sugar!"
The moles keep dig dig digging along.
The second mole stops and says "mm! I smell me some honey!"
The moles keep dig dig digging along.
The third mole stops and says "huh! I smell me some mole-asses!"
*thanks Grandpa*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i611d/three_moles_are_dig_dig_digging_a_hole/
%
What's the name of the Russian Bee Gees cover band?

KGBGs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i5xwj/whats_the_name_of_the_russian_bee_gees_cover_band/
%
What do you call 4 Mexicans in a sinkhole?

Quatro Sinco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i5xb6/what_do_you_call_4_mexicans_in_a_sinkhole/
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[NSFW] (language) The man with the timber eye

There's a fellow out there who's quite attractive-- by most standards, he'd be a perfect 10. But he has one flaw-- he's missing an eye, and he's too poor to afford a good prosthetic, so he's had it replaced with painted timber. It's a reasonably good job, and it's comfortable, but it's still clear that he's missing the one eye.
He's very self-conscious about it, but he's also quite lonely. One evening he works up the courage to go out to the bar and try to meet a girl. While he's there, he's intimidated by every woman and simply can't work up the courage to talk to anyone. Then, he spots a woman who is absolutely stunning-- but like him, she has a flaw that draws the eye. Her mouth is sideways on her face.
He's excited-- here, finally, is someone who can understand what he's going through! She's also beautiful, save for her one little flaw!
He approaches her and starts talking to her. They hit it off instantly, and at the end of the night he asks, "Would you like to come home with me?"
She replies, "Would I!"
He shouts back, "Hey, don't call me Wood Eye, Cunt Face!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i5tc1/nsfw_language_the_man_with_the_timber_eye/
%
What do you call a little Mexican?

A paragraph. Because he's not quite an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i5sbd/what_do_you_call_a_little_mexican/
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A police man stops a car and sees a nerdy little man sitting at the wheel...

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i5p3o/a_police_man_stops_a_car_and_sees_a_nerdy_little/
%
what's a pirate's favourite letter?

you may think it's R, but his true love be the C!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i5no7/whats_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
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Did you hear about the guy who broke into Tiger Woods' house?

Took a lot of balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i5mq9/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_broke_into_tiger/
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Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i5kwx/why_do_scottish_men_wear_kilts/
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A Natural Process

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.  "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client  places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i5igx/a_natural_process/
%
A hobo visits a whore house...

He walks in and says "Hey what can I get for five dollars?"
The hostess replies "We have a little room in the back we can set you up in, but there are two rules. #1: You must keep the lights off at all times. and #2: You must wear a black condom."
The hobo responds eagerly "No problem!"  And follows the hostess to the back of the house. When he returns from the room he has a wide grin on his face and says to the hostess "wow! That was the best sex I've ever had, One question though, why did I have to wear a black condom?"
The hostess doesn't even look up from her magazine to respond "well you gotta have some respect for the dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i5iea/a_hobo_visits_a_whore_house/
%
My first blow job was over 20 years ago now...

And some days I wonder if that taste will ever go away?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i5hx7/my_first_blow_job_was_over_20_years_ago_now/
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Stalin and the sneezer

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes. Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.
"Who sneezed?" he asks.
Deathly silence.
"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"
Not a peep.
"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"
A few seconds later, the entire first row of the audience is lying in bloody heaps on the ground.
"Now, who sneezed?" Still not a whimper. "Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!" The second row writhes and breathes its last.
"Now, comrades: who sneezed?" Absolute silence. "Third row! Stand up! Guards! Op...."
"Wait! Wait!" From the sixth row a man rises, shaking so hard with fear that he can barely stay on his legs. "Please! Comrade Stalin! It was me. I sneezed."
Stalin fixes his eye on the wretch. The entire audience watches, paralysed.
"You sneezed?"
"Yes, Comrade Stalin, yes. It was me."
"Bless you, comrade!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i5d4a/stalin_and_the_sneezer/
%
A man is on vacation in Jamaica...

...and steps into the first restaurant he sees after exiting the plane in pursuit of a restroom. He takes the urinal next to a Jamaican. The Jamaican turns to the man as he notices an interesting tattoo on his penis with the initials "WY."
He turns says to the man "What does the tattoo mean."
The man replies "It stands for my wife Wendy, whenever my penis is hard the tattoos spell out Wendy."
The Jamaican man finds this touching and before he could leave to go back to the restaurant the man finds the same tattoo on the Jamaican man.
He then asks "Is your wife's name also Wendy?"
To which the Jamaican man replies "Oh this, no... My tattoo stands for "WelcomeToJamaicaMonHaveANiceDay"."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i58a7/a_man_is_on_vacation_in_jamaica/
%
You know the economy is bad...

When you pull into the McDonald's drive thru and the person at the speaker asks...
Can you afford fries with that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i56w2/you_know_the_economy_is_bad/
%
The Cleveland Browns

Thats it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i55js/the_cleveland_browns/
%
What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until hes 13

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i54lh/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i530f/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
So my younger sister walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex

"Uhh that's gross, what are you doing?" she asked
I answered: "Don't worry it's only natural, I bet you'll be doing it soon as well"
"Really? Why?"
"Because my girlfriend gets tired awfully quick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i50zb/so_my_younger_sister_walked_in_on_me_and_my/
%
Mommy's Hair

A little girl asks her mom one day. "Mommy why do you have white hair?"
The mom thinks for a second and says, "Well, sweetie, every time you make mommy angry she grows a white hair. So don't make mommy angry."
The little girl then replies, "So Grandma..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i4tmf/mommys_hair/
%
Never trust an atom

They make up everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i4tbg/never_trust_an_atom/
%
How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just two.  One to politely ask and the other to politely help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i4qqg/how_many_canadians_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What's the difference between Marty McFly and a Bears fan?

Eventually, Marty McFly stopped going back to 1985.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i4pi1/whats_the_difference_between_marty_mcfly_and_a/
%
An older lady visits a doctor to seek help with her frequent gas issues.

**Lady:** Doctor, you've got to help me. Lately I've had uncontrollable gas. Fortunately all my toots are silent and emit no odor. As a matter of fact, in the few minutes you've been in here I've probably tooted 10 times and you can't even tell.
**Doctor:** I see. I have a couple of ideas. Let's try this prescription first. I want you to come back in a week and we'll see if it's working.
*The doctor scribbles something on his prescription pad and hands it to the old lady, who then gets the prescription filled. A week later she returns for the follow-up visit.*
**Lady:** Doctor, I have no idea what you gave me. I'm still tooting as much as before, but now they stink to high heavens!
**Doctor:** Wonderful. Now that we have your sinuses cleared up let's see what we can do for your hearing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i4l49/an_older_lady_visits_a_doctor_to_seek_help_with/
%
A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche...

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i4ipo/a_15_year_old_boy_comes_home_with_a_porsche/
%
Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i4hxy/did_you_hear_about_the_2_guys_that_stole_a/
%
Three young boys are talking about how cool their dads are...

first kid says "my dad is a fireman. he goes into burning buildings and rescues people and is a hero."
second kid says "my dad is a policeman and chases down bad guys and helps people and is a hero"
third kid says "my dad can time travel"
the other two are incredulous.  "what do you mean?" they demand.
third kid says "he works for the government.  he get's off of work at 5 pm and he's home by 3 in the afternoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i4hd7/three_young_boys_are_talking_about_how_cool_their/
%
What's the most-clicked link on the Alzheimer's support website?

Forgot Your Password?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i495d/whats_the_mostclicked_link_on_the_alzheimers/
%
So these three guys show up to a busy golf course on a Saturday...

The owner asks if they mind making their party a four some. The men say not at all. The owner then says, "she's over there".
The men walk away bitching and moaning about this woman is going to ruin their round. When they finally find her, she's actually a very gorgeous woman.
They start playing and turns out to be an amazing golfer. The guys had the best time playing with this woman. So after their round, they all go to the clubhouse and start drinking. Drink after drink, everyone is having a good time. The woman then said to the guys, "I have  had so much fun with you guys today and I want to repay you by giving each of you  blow jobs."
The men oblige and she satisfies all 3 of them together. The same thing happens for the next few weekends.
After a few weeks the men say to her, "you know We really have had fun with you and the blow jobs have been great, but we want to get more intimate with you". The woman replies, " I would like that too, but I have to tell you something: Im actually a man".
All three men look at her in total shock. One of them says "you mean we've been letting you hit off the ladies tee this whole time???"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i48lc/so_these_three_guys_show_up_to_a_busy_golf_course/
%
If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i41wp/if_i_got_1_every_time_somebody_called_me_a_racist/
%
Enjoy weekend and enjoy and enjoy weekend

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i3x6c/enjoy_weekend_and_enjoy_and_enjoy_weekend/
%
Hans turns up for his first day with the German Coast Guard. He's shown round the building, then taken to his new position as radio operator.

"Gut Mornink, Hans," says the old hand. "As you are ze new guy, I am off to ze bier keller. Just remember, all international radio traffic must be in ze English", and leaves.
Hans sits listening to the radio for a while, when he hears a call.
"Mayday, Mayday - help us, can anyone hear us?"
"Yar," says Hans. "Vot is Ze Problem?"
"Thank god," comes the voice. "We're on a yacht in the North Sea and we are sinking."
"Okay," says Hans. "Vot are you sinking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i3sh0/hans_turns_up_for_his_first_day_with_the_german/
%
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i3n51/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeve/
%
If you blew up Mount Rushmore, what crime would you have committed?

Four counts of defacing a national monument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i3iki/if_you_blew_up_mount_rushmore_what_crime_would/
%
I used to be a senile UPS worker

Shit I messed up the delivery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i3gyz/i_used_to_be_a_senile_ups_worker/
%
A Chinese guy walks into a bar with a black bartender

and says "Give me jigga, nigga".
The bartender, visibly insulted, pours the shot and says "listen sir, I'll pour the shot, but I'd appreciate you not using that kind of language in here."
The Chinese guy nods and drinks the shot. Five minutes later, he says "anotha jigga, nigga."
The bartender, more angry than before but still calm. says "OK, that's your last freebie. Use that language again and you're out!"
The Chinese guy nods and drinks the shot. Another five minutes pass and he whispers loudly with evident glee "one more jigga... nigga".
The bartender knew this was coming but instead of kicking the man out he says "listen, I've got an idea. How about you jump behind the bar and I'll come in and order a drink so you can see what it feels like?"
The Chinese guy mulls it over a minute then nods his assent and they switch places. The bartender leaves for about five minutes, re-enters the bar, sits down, and proudly announces for all to hear "give me a drink, you chink!" to which the Chinese man says
"Sorry, we no serve niggas here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i3fy6/a_chinese_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_black/
%
A cop pulls over three elderly woman..

The cop says "M'am, do you realize you were going 15 mph in a 55?"
Old lady driver: " Ooo I must have been mistaken then, that sign over there says 15"
The cop laughs and says "M'am thats route 15; you're on route 15 right now"
Old lady driver: "I am so embarassed! Please forgive me"
The cop: "Well everything seems okay here, just make sure to keep it at the speed limit. I do have one question for you though. Your friend in the back seat seems to be a bit pale and anxious, is everything okay?"
Old lady driver: "Oh yeah she'll be fine....we just got off of route 115"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i3bgg/a_cop_pulls_over_three_elderly_woman/
%
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i37m8/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_with_a_rubber_toe/
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A: What do you do for a living? B: I handle transactions for a multi-billion dollar company.

A:  How much do you make?
B:  $18,000
A:  An hour?
B   No, per year.
A:  I thought you said you handled transactions for a multi-billion dollar company?
B:  I DO!  I'm a cashier at McDonalds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i36su/a_what_do_you_do_for_a_living_b_i_handle/
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Why is a woman like a KFC?

After your done with the thighs and breasts all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i354e/why_is_a_woman_like_a_kfc/
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Who do Egyptians pray to when the public transportation breaks down?

Anubis
(If you don't get it, say it slower.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i33jv/who_do_egyptians_pray_to_when_the_public/
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A little-known risk with blood transfusions . . .

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood, in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.  The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.  After successful surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving His blood, a new BMW, a 5-carat diamond and $50,000 dollars.
A few months later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.  So the hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.  Needless to say, the Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.  He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i30mn/a_littleknown_risk_with_blood_transfusions/
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What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch?

Half an hour,  just like the rest of the animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i306d/what_do_elephants_in_the_zoo_get_for_lunch/
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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2z4r/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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What's the similarities between a priest and McDonalds?

They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2ydb/whats_the_similarities_between_a_priest_and/
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There's no easy well to tell your girlfriend that she has bad breath.

I think I'm just going to stop kissing your girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2y2s/theres_no_easy_well_to_tell_your_girlfriend_that/
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying under a pile of leaves?

Russel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2wdu/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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My sexual fetishes

my sexual fetishes have been getting more and more perverse ever so slowly. But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I had hit rock bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2v9o/my_sexual_fetishes/
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A cop pulls a man over for going to fast over a bridge...

He holds up a speed gun and says:
"You were 10Mph over the speed limit, do you have a valid reason for going so fast?"
"I was late for my job" The man responded
"And what is your job?" The cop starts writing a ticket at this point
"I work as a rectum stretcher" The guy said quite matter-of-factly
"A... What?" the cop replied
"A rectum stretcher, you know, I stretch rectums" the cop stays quiet and the man continues "First I put one finger in, then two, then 3, then a whole hand, then two. Eventually I stretch the rectum until it is 6 feet tall"
"And what do you do with a 6 foot tall asshole?" the cop asked
"Well we generally give them a speed gun, a cop uniform and position them on a bridge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2nsc/a_cop_pulls_a_man_over_for_going_to_fast_over_a/
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What did the cowboy say as he walked into a German car garage?

Audi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2kxt/what_did_the_cowboy_say_as_he_walked_into_a/
%
Why do sailors use liquid soap?

It takes longer to pick up when they drop it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2k8i/why_do_sailors_use_liquid_soap/
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A policeman just knocked on the door. He said, "It looks like your wife has been in an accident..."

I said "Yes but she has a great personality!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2is8/a_policeman_just_knocked_on_the_door_he_said_it/
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What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2her/whats_the_difference_between_a_pregnant_woman_and/
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Kid: Hey, Mum! What's an orgasm?

Mom: I don't know dear, ask your father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2gk9/kid_hey_mum_whats_an_orgasm/
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I always said "Aim for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

But apparently that's not a valid excuse and I can't work for NASA anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2f3s/i_always_said_aim_for_the_moon_even_if_you_miss/
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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney.  But how do you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2dbs/a_grade_school_teacher_was_asking_students_what/
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(NSFW) Little Johnny in class

Little Johnny is in class one morning when the teacher asks 'can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence'. Johnny sits up straight, sticks his hand in the air and squirms. His teacher ignores him and picks another child with their hand up - 'Sarah, go ahead'.
'My mother got a cold once, and she said it was contagious'.
The teacher congratulates Sarah and asks for another example. Johnny's hand goes up but again the teacher ignores it and picks another child, Christopher.
'Once my sister had runny poos, and the doctor told her it was contagious'.
The teacher's relieved that the other children are doing so well, and asks for one more example. Johnny's hand goes in the air and no-one else volunteers. The teacher waits a minute in hope before giving up and letting Little Johnny speak.
He screws his face up in concentration. 'I was driving with my dad the other day and we were behind a truck and it crashed and its apples went all over the road. My dad laughed and said 'it'll take the cunt ages to pick all those up'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2aib/nsfw_little_johnny_in_class/
%
Good news: cat found on mars

Bad news: curiosity killed the cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2afb/good_news_cat_found_on_mars/
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Paid a visit to 'www.conjunctivitis.com' earlier...

Believe me, it's a site for sore eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i26yi/paid_a_visit_to_wwwconjunctivitiscom_earlier/
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Micky mouse and mini.

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fucking Goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i23ox/micky_mouse_and_mini/
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...how is life in North Korea?

I can't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i23i4/how_is_life_in_north_korea/
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Pinocchio's love life.

Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters." So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that's what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting along with the girls now?" \ "Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i22pj/pinocchios_love_life/
%
An officer stops a speeding automobile on the highway which was driving two times the speed limit.

The driver steps out full of remorse.
"Sorry officer, was I driving too fast?"
"Nah, you were flying too low"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2060/an_officer_stops_a_speeding_automobile_on_the/
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Why don't orphans enjoying playing baseball.

Because they don't know where Home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1ze3/why_dont_orphans_enjoying_playing_baseball/
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The Blonde and the Earbuds

A blonde regularly sits in the office with a pair of earbuds in. Because of this, she regularly doesn't hear her boss. One day, the boss calls out to her, and for the umpteenth time the blonde doesn't hear him. Fed up, the boss stomps over to her desk, rips off her earphones and begins to yell at her.
&nbsp;
Soon, the blonde topples onto the desk and lays still.
&nbsp;
The boss prods her. She's dead! He glances at the earphones still held in his hand. Obviously confused at how this could have happened, he gingerly puts them on, but instead of music, he hears something strange - a looping recorded voice:
&nbsp;
"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1w1s/the_blonde_and_the_earbuds/
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Barry got work as a sailor.

Barry got a nice sweet gig working on a boat, but the downfall was that they where six months at sea at time.
It was alright they pay was worth it but at the end he was horny as hell .
So as soon as they docked he quickly went to the most seedy bar he could find. When he arrived he quickly asked the bartender : Where can I get the best blowjob in town.
The bartender laughed and quickly stated :Cindy luu
And handed him a card with the address where he could find her.
As he arrived at the address he was quickly greeted by this hot woman, big breast, ass to dream off and thick lips.
Barry stated with a shaking tone : I heard that you gave the best blowjob in town.
Cindy laughed and quickly stated : Hell yeah honey, I give the best blowjob there is. But honey its going to cost you 1000 dollars.
Barry stumbled and was about to leave when she grabbed him by his shirt and dragged him towards the window.
Look honey, see all those cars .
Barry looked outside and saw a long row of high end cars, seemingly brand new and the row was way up the street.
I own all these cars, just because I give a great blowjob.
Admitting to himself, he had enough money to pay for that after those six months at sea and hell, Barry thought to himself. I got to try this out.
So he handed Cindy the money and before he could say a word she ripped off his pants. And boy he had never experienced anything like that, she sucked and suckled , nipped and tugged just the right way and the way she treated his balls. He quickly found himself weak in his body when he got the best climax he ever had.
And boy this was the best 1000 dollars he had ever spent, so he went quite happy from her home and off to sea with memory´s to live by.
Six months passed and he found himself back in that bar. But now he wanted something more exotic. So he quickly asked the bartender : Erm, where could I get the best anal in town.
The bartender smiled and handed Barry a card. " Cindy luu gives the best anal in town "
Honestly Barry did not need that card and he found himself quickly at Cindy´s doorstep, knocking on her door.
As she opened, she looked at him with those bedroom eyes off hers. " What do you want honey "
Barry smiled and stated : I heard you gave the best anal in town.
Cindy quickly replied : Ohh honey, your at the right place , but it will cost you 10000 dollars.
WHAT! Screamed Barry , but before he could utter out another word she hinted to him to follow her inside.
Back at the window , she pulled away the curtains.
Look honey, do you see all those houses .
Barry looked and saw the far row of fancy houses stretching far out, where all the cars where parked outside.
Those are all my houses, that is just how good I am.
Barry swallowed and pulled up 10k and handed to her.
And like a sex crazed demon she pounced him, dragged him into bed and like a dream, she straddled him. Riding him and that body of hers moving on him like a sex goddess , he could feel her inside just tensing and as she rode faster and faster , in combine of her moaning and almost like her ass was sucking on his cock , he found himself climaxing so good that he literally passed out from pleasure.
Happy with the service Barry went to sea again. Six months passed slowly as he could not wait to dock again.
Not bothering to enter that bar again, he took all his money and headed straight to Cindy´s place.
And with that big sexy smile off hers she opened the door, licking her lips as he was sure that she remembered him.
Cindy, stated Barry. I want too fuck you Cindy. How much is your pussy worth?
But to Barry´s surprise Cindy just stated no, even though he offered her 100k for her service. And as he got more and more aggressive on offering Cindy more money, to the point he offered her all he had and that was almost a million dollars. Literally everything he had earned the last 18 months. Only then Cindy walked towards the window.
With glee in his eyes Barry followed her and as Cindy opened up the curtain she quickly stated.
Hun if I had a pussy , this whole neighborhood would be mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1uv8/barry_got_work_as_a_sailor/
%
A nurse goes to the bank

As she is about to sign her name on the deposit slip she pulls out a rectul thermometer, "awww crap some asshole has my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1tb4/a_nurse_goes_to_the_bank/
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There are 3 rings when you get married, first the engangment ring, then the wedding ring..

then the suffering....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1r89/there_are_3_rings_when_you_get_married_first_the/
%
A cop stopped a guy for speeding...

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
He said, "There is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1p09/a_cop_stopped_a_guy_for_speeding/
%
Three mice are sitting at a bar

in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this.  I've got a date with the cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1o6m/three_mice_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1nrb/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
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I am an obese man identifying as a skinny man...

I am trans-fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1n4n/i_am_an_obese_man_identifying_as_a_skinny_man/
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An Afghan lands at a Pakistani airport, and walks up to the immigration desk.

He introduces himself to a Pakistan Immigration Officer, as
Ex-Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.
The surprised Pakistani Officer asks:
"But there is no sea in Afghanistan.
How can you be the Ex-Minister of Ports & Shipping.?"
The Afghan replies:
"Wallah ya Habibi,
don't you have a Minister for Law & Justice in Pakistan?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1jn8/an_afghan_lands_at_a_pakistani_airport_and_walks/
%
A sheep, a drum, and a snake all fall off a cliff...

Ba-dumm-tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1h1n/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_all_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
What do you get when you feed an Eevee a sandwich?

A Luncheon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1bms/what_do_you_get_when_you_feed_an_eevee_a_sandwich/
%
If you get your phone wet, put it in a bag of rice overnight

Eventually an Asian will come and fix it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1al0/if_you_get_your_phone_wet_put_it_in_a_bag_of_rice/
%
Sometimes peeing feels better than sex.

It lasts longer too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1agr/sometimes_peeing_feels_better_than_sex/
%
TIL my mom isn't a member of any organized political party.

You see, she's a Republican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1965/til_my_mom_isnt_a_member_of_any_organized/
%
Describe your sex life in two words.

"My what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i15av/describe_your_sex_life_in_two_words/
%
"I don't know Doc, are you sure there's no other way?!"

Dying Man: "I don't know Doc, are you sure there's no other way?!"
Doctor: Well...there is one old trick that a mom discovered...but it's weird, and I HATE it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i14sl/i_dont_know_doc_are_you_sure_theres_no_other_way/
%
Eating Hummus with my co-workers and I asked

Hey, what's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
... I've never paid $300 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i143o/eating_hummus_with_my_coworkers_and_i_asked/
%
[AMA Request] Floyd Mayweather

Oh wait never mind he can't read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i11s1/ama_request_floyd_mayweather/
%
"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."
"You mean 'than'."
"No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0vz3/you_fancy_my_best_friend_dont_you_asked_my_wife/
%
What do windows feel when they get hurt?

Pane!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0uis/what_do_windows_feel_when_they_get_hurt/
%
What's the most sensitive part of your body when you masturbate?

Your ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0n1l/whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_your_body_when/
%
I got caught having sex with the secretary by my wife

My wife was crying  and saying you cant do this to me!
I said: I Know thats why im doing it to her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0m9r/i_got_caught_having_sex_with_the_secretary_by_my/
%
A blonde is walking along the shoreline of a lake in Minnesota looking for seashells when she spots another blonde across the lake from her. Eager for company she shouts loudly "How do I get to the other side?"

The other blonde shouts back "You're on the other side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0m47/a_blonde_is_walking_along_the_shoreline_of_a_lake/
%
What do you call a black man flying a plane

A pilot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0l88/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_flying_a_plane/
%
I was recently asked how i viewed lesbian relationships.....

Apparently "In High Definition" was not the right fucking answer....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0kj0/i_was_recently_asked_how_i_viewed_lesbian/
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What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0jrx/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_ran_into_a_wall/
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Geezer goes to the doctor ...

An old guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me. I've got silent gas emissions! It's horrible. One last night, nearly killed the dog. Another this morning--and the flies died on the walls. And another just a minute ago. Please, its awful, I'll do anything to cure these silent gas emissions--what can you do, where do we start?" Doctor says, "first we get your hearing checked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0j9v/geezer_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0itw/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
%
So I ordered the 50 cent at the bar last night...

The bartender gave me 9 shots and took all my money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0i7m/so_i_ordered_the_50_cent_at_the_bar_last_night/
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If you get a divorce in Arkansas...

... is she still your sister?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0go8/if_you_get_a_divorce_in_arkansas/
%
Two guys are sitting on a park bench

One of them notices a dog licking its balls.
"Man, I wish I could do that," he says to his friend.
"By all means, go for it."
"Right here? You won't mind?"
"Not at all, but you should at least consider petting him first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0gne/two_guys_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
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Three kittens were on a roof, which slipped off first?

The one with the lowest mew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0g0w/three_kittens_were_on_a_roof_which_slipped_off/
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What's the plural of compass?

This one's best if you say it out loud.
What's the plural of octopus?
Octopi.
What's the plural of compass?
Cumpie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0eqc/whats_the_plural_of_compass/
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Sam and Bessie

were friends with benefits in their retirement community. One day, Sam and Bessie are sitting on the bench outside of the old folks' home. "Hey Bessie?" Sam asked. "Yeah, Sam?" Bessie replied. "Do you mind putting your hand on my penis?" He asked. "Sure," she said.
Two days later, Bessie comes out of the retirement home and sees Sam sitting on the bench with Sadie, with her hand on his dick. Upset, Bessie approaches Sam later.
"Is she prettier than me?" she asks. "No," he says.
"Is she smarter? Funnier?" she asks. "No," he replies.
"Then what does she have that I don't?" she asks. "Parkinson's," he says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0e4h/sam_and_bessie/
%
Little Mary

was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0e0m/little_mary/
%
A Roman walks into a bar...

...holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i0b8l/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My cat and my paraplegic stepdad are so similar.

Neither like being tossed in the neighbor's pool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i07cf/my_cat_and_my_paraplegic_stepdad_are_so_similar/
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Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit sexual assault

because its a bit rapier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i06i7/why_is_a_fencing_sword_more_likely_to_commit/
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"My wife is like Whiskey."

"Oh yeah, she gets better with age?"
"No, she gives me a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i044k/my_wife_is_like_whiskey/
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It only takes 3 inches to please a woman

And it doesn't matter if it's Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i03tb/it_only_takes_3_inches_to_please_a_woman/
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"How much of sex is work?"

A Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the enlist who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young enlist responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.” The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir," replied the enlist, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hzzpl/how_much_of_sex_is_work/
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Polish Space Program

The polish space program recently revealed to the UN that they were preparing to attempt the first manned space mission to the surface of the sun. When asked how they were going to accomplish this feat they answered, "We are going at night".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hzrgb/polish_space_program/
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Teacher asks students ...

... if there are any fools in this class please stand up.
Nobody stands up .
After 10 seconds , little Johnny stands up .
Then teacher says , "aha so you are a fool ".
Johnny says , " ma'am I felt sorry for you standing all alone ... "
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hzpfb/teacher_asks_students/
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If Israel gets wiped off the map...

Then we'll have to start calling it Wasrael

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hzntf/if_israel_gets_wiped_off_the_map/
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How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Suck his dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hzkh0/how_do_you_stop_a_dog_from_humping_your_leg/
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You've heard of "helicopter parents" but I had a "boomerang father".

He was meant to come back but he never did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hzk7u/youve_heard_of_helicopter_parents_but_i_had_a/
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Jared may not get free subway for life anymore...

But he will have no shortage of 6 inch or foot longs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hzcvj/jared_may_not_get_free_subway_for_life_anymore/
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Priest and a Hindu are making breakfast..

The priest is spreading on margarine and exclaims, "Look! It's Jesus in the spread!"
Shocked, the Hindu replies, "Wow, I can't believe it's not Buddha."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hzc00/priest_and_a_hindu_are_making_breakfast/
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Pasta joke

My wife laughed when I told her I was planning to bulld a car made out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hzbln/pasta_joke/
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2 guys are in ready to tee off on a par 5 and a funeral procession drives by.

One of the guys takes off his hat and holds it over his heart.
The other guy asks: Did you know that person?
Know her? I was married to her for 30 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hz8xa/2_guys_are_in_ready_to_tee_off_on_a_par_5_and_a/
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Two windmills walk into a bar...

They had a good moment.
___________________________
Hopefully there's some engineering joke lovers out there :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hz8aq/two_windmills_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why did the suicidal chicken cross the road?

To get to the... *other* side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hz76q/why_did_the_suicidal_chicken_cross_the_road/
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Once I summoned the Devil to grant my every wish.

The Devil appeared in my summoning circle, pitchfork in hand, horns on his head and a smirk on his face. 'Alright, mortal, I'll grant you three, but no more 'til the usual fee!'
As planned, I immediately shouted, 'I wish for 900 more!'
'No can do, unless you're willing to cough up!'
I thought for a moment, then said, 'Fine, here goes. I wish you would take your fork off its handle.'
The Devil, bemused, complied. 'OK. What will your second wish be?'
'Now, I wish you would shove the handle as far up your ass as possible.'
You can guess what kind of reaction that command aroused, though he had no choice but to obey and push it up about 11 inches.
'And WHAT... will be your THIRD wish?!' he shrieked in pain and rage, eyes gushing.
Now it was my turn to smirk as I said, 'Good, now grant me 900 more or I'll wish the fork back on!'
Moral of the story? If you want anything out of management in a timely fashion, give them a hard jab in the ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hz52o/once_i_summoned_the_devil_to_grant_my_every_wish/
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North Korea is calling for war.

In other news, it's Saturday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hz517/north_korea_is_calling_for_war/
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What do marriage and hurricanes have in common?

They both start with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your fucking house!
thanks @Canadianmomma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hz44x/what_do_marriage_and_hurricanes_have_in_common/
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Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hz2z1/why_couldnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
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I wasn't going to get a brain transplant...

...But then I changed my mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hz0mj/i_wasnt_going_to_get_a_brain_transplant/
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A group of prostitutes play WoW.

I heard that they call themselves the whore'd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hyzlj/a_group_of_prostitutes_play_wow/
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I totally understand how batteries feel.

Because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hyzhm/i_totally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
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A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...

They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!
They named him Ravi O. Lee
Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hyz96/a_boy_was_born_of_an_indian_chinese_irish_and/
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hyvwq/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant/
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My therapist asked me to stop wanking. I asked how long i should stop for...

He said at least until i left his office

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hyvnx/my_therapist_asked_me_to_stop_wanking_i_asked_how/
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Why can't a policeman win a game of pool?

Because he always shoots the black one first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hyunf/why_cant_a_policeman_win_a_game_of_pool/
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"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."
The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her something. If she doesn't hear it, reduce the gap by 10 feet and so on till she can hear what you say."
The man satisfied with the reply, hurries home to try this little technique. He stands around 50 feet away from her, and shouts, "Hey honey, what's for dinner today?" He gets no response, so he moves closer and repeats the same question four more times till he's right next to her.
He asks the same question again and she says, "For heaven's sake, this is the fifth time I'm telling you, it's just fruit salad tonight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hyujl/doctor_i_think_my_wife_has_a_hearing_problem/
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Two Alabama hunters are out in the woods.....

when one of them falls to the ground. He seem to be breathing, but then his eyes roll back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend, is I think he's dead!! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy.! I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence ...
Then **BANG, BANG** The guy's voice comes back "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hyq1z/two_alabama_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods/
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How do the French Train for War?

The 100 Meter Sprint

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hykp2/how_do_the_french_train_for_war/
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What do you call a funny baked good?

a pun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hyihr/what_do_you_call_a_funny_baked_good/
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For Sale: Parachute.

Only used once, never opened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hygph/for_sale_parachute/
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I was told by the vet that i had to put my cat down...

So i went home to it and said "You're fat and lazy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hyds9/i_was_told_by_the_vet_that_i_had_to_put_my_cat/
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A man comes home one day to his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen...

'What's wrong dearest?' asks the confused husband. 'Oh darling', sobbed the wife, 'I was cleaning little Susies room today and I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed along with a very erotic porn magazine! Whatever are we going to do??' 'Well', replied the man, 'I guess a spanking is out of the question?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hydrb/a_man_comes_home_one_day_to_his_wife_crying/
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Love is energy over time

Because Watt is love?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hyb0p/love_is_energy_over_time/
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90's kids won't get this...

Social Security benefits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hyaed/90s_kids_wont_get_this/
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I bought a new pair of polarizing sunglasses and was asking my friends what they thought of them.

They seemed to either love them or hate them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hy5qk/i_bought_a_new_pair_of_polarizing_sunglasses_and/
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SUPER DRUNK MAN JOKE

This Guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down and chugs a large beer, walks over the window and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the same guy walks into the bar again with not even a scratch on him and repeats the process again.
Every five minute he repeats it and comes back unharmed each time.
A half hour later another guy asks him "How the hell are you doing that?"
The first guy replies " oh its simple physics. When you chug a beer it makes you warm inside and since warm air rises up. if you hold your breath long enough you could float and come down slowly on the side walk."
"WOW" exclaims the second man,"I gotta try that", he too orders a large beer, chugs it and jumps out the window and splats on the side walk.
The bartender looks at the first man and says "Superman you're an asshole when you're drunk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hy48t/super_drunk_man_joke/
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A blonde joins a Mexican cartel

The cartel sends her to Colombia to get coke and she brings Pepsi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hy00k/a_blonde_joins_a_mexican_cartel/
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Why did Alexander Graham Bell never receive a nobel prize?

Because it's a "no bell" prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hxylv/why_did_alexander_graham_bell_never_receive_a/
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What did the doctor say to the man who couldn't pee?

Urine trouble!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hxusc/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_man_who_couldnt_pee/
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George Carlin on suicide- Quote from life is worth losing

**George Carlin:** Do you realise, that right this second, right now somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn't that great? Statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. Thats 2800 a day. That's one every thirty seconds.
[Stares at watch]
**George Carlin:** There goes another guy! And I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That's something else you gals oughta be working on. Well if you wanna be truly equal you're gonna have to start taking your lifes in greater numbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hxtvi/george_carlin_on_suicide_quote_from_life_is_worth/
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I got a case of beer for my wife!

It was a good trade!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hxqsk/i_got_a_case_of_beer_for_my_wife/
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Random acts of nature

An international aid worker was volunteering at a small remote village in Africa. He was the only outsider the villagers have ever seen. But after awhile, they welcomed him into their homes.
The village chief had a beautiful daughter that had caught the eye of this worker. Everyday she would make eye contact and smile at him, but he knew it was against the rules to have a relationship with her.
After about a year, the unmarried beautiful daughter ended up giving birth to a white baby. The chief was furious and demanded the head of the volunteer worker.
The villagers brought him before the chief to be executed. He pleaded for his life and said that nature has random variations built into it. He said, "Look at that flock of sheep over there. You see how they are all white, except for that single black one? This kind of thing happens in nature all the time."
The chief paused for a moment to think about what the volunteer had said. He then walked over and whispered into his ear, "If you don't tell anyone about the sheep, I won't tell anyone about the baby."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hxntx/random_acts_of_nature/
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How do you know that a dog is a man's best friend?

Take your girl and your dog, and lock them in the back of a car, return in 5 hours, which one do you think will be happy to see you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hxlbh/how_do_you_know_that_a_dog_is_a_mans_best_friend/
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My girlfriend told me I need to spice things up in the bedroom...

So I told her I would cumin her pussy.
(That joke only works sometimes because it's seasonal)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hxkq6/my_girlfriend_told_me_i_need_to_spice_things_up/
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I'd be willing to date a French Canadian...

But I'm scared she'd always want to separate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hxgwq/id_be_willing_to_date_a_french_canadian/
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I have a friend with only one leg.

He's been having some issues with stares.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hxgjx/i_have_a_friend_with_only_one_leg/
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Donald Trump has just announced a massive jobs program involving tax credits for shredded cheese factories.

He says he wants to "make America grate again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hxdix/donald_trump_has_just_announced_a_massive_jobs/
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

That's the oldest pun in The Book.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hxau4/how_does_moses_make_his_tea_hebrews_it/
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I dunno why people say hurtful things like...

"Wanna go for a run?"
or "Try this kale."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hx94x/i_dunno_why_people_say_hurtful_things_like/
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I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket...

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hx7xp/i_remember_the_last_thing_my_grandfather_said_to/
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"Son you have to stop masturbating so much, or you'll go blind"

"Dad I'm over here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hx32a/son_you_have_to_stop_masturbating_so_much_or/
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Shock me once, shame on you.

Shock me twice, that's just revolting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hx2gq/shock_me_once_shame_on_you/
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What do you call a nun on a wheelchair

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hx10y/what_do_you_call_a_nun_on_a_wheelchair/
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Hear about the serial killer who was actually quite sensitive?

He wore other people's hearts on his sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hwzup/hear_about_the_serial_killer_who_was_actually/
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Christians always go on about the time Jesus fed five thousand people with five loaves and two fishes...

What about Hitler? He made 6 million jews toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hwz58/christians_always_go_on_about_the_time_jesus_fed/
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Losing weight is so easy now. I'm just chasing the kids around all day

- Jared Fogle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hwy50/losing_weight_is_so_easy_now_im_just_chasing_the/
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Joke From Married with children.

Fat woman comes into a shoe store.She could not fit her feet into  a shoe, so she said to Al..
Fat woman: I was a size six before aerobics class, all that jumping must expanded my foot
Al: Then i see you must been fallen on your butt a time or two.
Fat woman: How dare you say that to my face!
Al: Well i'd say that behind your back, but my car has only got half a tank of gas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hwvxk/joke_from_married_with_children/
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'Weeds' is a gateway show...

...watching it can lead to binging on more serious programs like 'Breaking Bad'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hwvd7/weeds_is_a_gateway_show/
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How does Jared like to play his flute?

In A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hwdjn/how_does_jared_like_to_play_his_flute/
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Did you hear about the guy who bought a ring for his under age fiancé?

Apparently he went to Jared's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hwbz7/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_bought_a_ring_for/
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So a sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a hill

Ba-dum-tiss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hwa9x/so_a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_down_a_hill/
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What did Obama say when he proposed to Michelle?

"I don't wanna be o-ba-ma self."
_________
(Not original)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hw9ri/what_did_obama_say_when_he_proposed_to_michelle/
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Saying "I'm sorry" is the same as saying "I apologize"

...Except at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hw18k/saying_im_sorry_is_the_same_as_saying_i_apologize/
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A UFO lands outside a gas station in the middle of nowhere....

and two aliens step out. After examining the desolate landscape, they walk up to an old gas pump.
The first alien says "Take us to your leader."
No response.
"I don't know, man." says the second alien, "This guy seems like bad news."
"Just let me do the talking."
So the first alien clears his throat and again says, "Take us to your leader."
Again, no response from the gas pump.
"I said, ***take us to your leader***."
The second alien is a bit more panicked now. "Come on, we should get out of here." he says, "This guy's trouble."
The first alien then pulls his ray gun out and says "No! I'm getting tired of this." He then points it at the gas pump.
"All right, pal," he says, "If you don't take us to your leader on the count of three, you're getting vaporized!"
"Whoa! Wait! Hold on a second!" The second alien says, now going into full panic mode.
*"ONE..."*
"Dude, please! You don't want to do this!"
**"TWO..."**
"Stop it, man! Think of the consequences!"
#"THREE!"
**"SHIT!"**
The first alien then zaps the gas pump, resulting in an enormous explosion that blows them back by about a hundred yards. They're both bruised and covered in dirt.
"What just happened?" asked the first alien.
The second alien was now pretty angry.
"Man..." says the second alien, "I told you this a million times. If **EVER** in this galaxy you happen upon a being that can wrap its dick around its waist twice and stick it in its ear, **YOU. DON'T. FUCK WITH IT!**"
____________________
An oldie but goodie. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hw0bb/a_ufo_lands_outside_a_gas_station_in_the_middle/
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I like my woman how I like my books

Leather-bound and broken spined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvzk9/i_like_my_woman_how_i_like_my_books/
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A comely redhead was thrilled.....

......... to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvyv6/a_comely_redhead_was_thrilled/
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What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvwy1/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
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A whale performs a La Roux cover......

"Mmmmmmmmmm.......I'm goin' in for the krill"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvw9u/a_whale_performs_a_la_roux_cover/
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How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvuby/how_do_you_kill_a_circus/
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They say an optimist will see a glass as half full, while a pessimist will see it as half empty.

Speaking as an alcoholic it's panic stations either way for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvtbz/they_say_an_optimist_will_see_a_glass_as_half/
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Swearing for the first time

A 5 yr old was in his room with his 3 yr old brother. He says "Charlie, I think we should start swearing.. If everyone else can do it, so can we". So they go downstairs to breakfast, where their mother is waiting for them. She asks what they would like for breakfast. The 5 yr old says "Coco pops, bitch". The mother screams at him and sends him up to his room, crying, without any breakfast. The mother turns to the younger child and asks "Well, what do you want?"
"I dunno, but it won't be fucking coco pops"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvs1p/swearing_for_the_first_time/
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English Class

A teacher was at the front of her 1st Grade English class. She points out a girl at the front of the class. She asks "Suzie, can you use 'Definitely' in a sentence, please?". Suzie says - "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher replies "The sky can be grey or black, but good try". Johnny at the back of the class raises his hand. "Miss, do farts have lumps?" The teacher was completely baffled replied "No Johnny, why?"
"Then I definitely pooped my pants"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvqlv/english_class/
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My friend came crying to me after he crashed his brand new Swedish car

But I didn't want to hear his Saab story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvoxy/my_friend_came_crying_to_me_after_he_crashed_his/
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Why are math teachers so unhappy?

Because they have a lot of problems.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvo3r/why_are_math_teachers_so_unhappy/
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What's worse than finding a hole in your condom?

Finding a condom in your hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvlnq/whats_worse_than_finding_a_hole_in_your_condom/
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Why did 8 break up with 7?

Because 7 always came first!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvkei/why_did_8_break_up_with_7/
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A clever excuse

A man bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hviun/a_clever_excuse/
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"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvisa/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/
%
I only eat beef raised on marijuana...

I like it when the steaks are high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvhq6/i_only_eat_beef_raised_on_marijuana/
%
Why do people think Henry the Sixth was a Norseman?

Because he was a VI KING.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvhac/why_do_people_think_henry_the_sixth_was_a_norseman/
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I've been on Ashley Madison for over a year now.

About time I got fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvd5b/ive_been_on_ashley_madison_for_over_a_year_now/
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Why didn't the drummer commit the crime?

He couldn't handle the repercussions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvcy4/why_didnt_the_drummer_commit_the_crime/
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I like my slaves like I like my coffee.

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hv9x1/i_like_my_slaves_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hv8oi/did_you_hear_about_the_buddhist_who_refused/
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Why do they name all hurricanes after women?

Because when they arrive they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hv702/why_do_they_name_all_hurricanes_after_women/
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Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hv6er/sex/
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What type of weed does a reptile smoke?

Mariiguana

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hv1u6/what_type_of_weed_does_a_reptile_smoke/
%
Why is it called Mother Nature?

Because if it were called Father Nature it would be a lot more predictable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3huyxg/why_is_it_called_mother_nature/
%
I had to put my dog down today.

I'd been carrying her for a while.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3huyov/i_had_to_put_my_dog_down_today/
%
I truly love children!

But I couldn't possibly eat two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3huxep/i_truly_love_children/
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Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?

He wanted to git a long little doggy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3huvgd/why_did_the_cowboy_adopt_a_weiner_dog/
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Three war veterans were having a beer at a port

They all had other nationalities; one was British, one was American and there was a German. They were having a chat in at a bar just close to the harbour 5 years after the war.
The Brit was telling about how good their motorcycles were. *we could drive almost 100 miles on one tank!*, said the Brit full of enthusiasm.
*That's nothing*, said the American. *Our Jeeps could drive 200 miles on one tank!*
The German was laughing out loud. *Why are you laughing? Tell us about your warmachines if you think they were better*, said the American disdainful.
At the same time a big Nazi submarine rose from the waters at the port. The submarines hatch opened and the captain appeared from the submarine and screamed out loud: *HEIL HITLER, WO KANN ICH HIER TANKEN! (WHERE CAN I REFUEL HERE!)"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hutmt/three_war_veterans_were_having_a_beer_at_a_port/
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I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev

from a company called  You Crane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3humsn/i_rented_some_heavy_lifting_equipment_in_kiev/
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The successful entrepreneur was constantly in demand for after-dinner speeches and could never find the time to prepare his own material.

His assistant always wrote the speech. It was at the annual conference that he was called upon to give encouragement to small businesses.
After the meal, the entrepreneur stood up to address the audience. "Ladies and gentleman. There are three main areas of tension in today's small businesses. The first is the problem of not paying competitive salaries ..."
He then turned to the next page and read out, "From now on, you unappreciative pig, you're on your own ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3humbi/the_successful_entrepreneur_was_constantly_in/
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I gave an emotional speech at a Visine convention...

There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hujec/i_gave_an_emotional_speech_at_a_visine_convention/
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want to hear a joke about sodium hypobromite?

NaBrO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3huixi/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_sodium_hypobromite/
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hugl4/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
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A Viagra pill for woman has just been released onto the market.

It's called Niagara.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hufz7/a_viagra_pill_for_woman_has_just_been_released/
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I hate Russian dolls...

They're full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3huaav/i_hate_russian_dolls/
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50 year old Soviet joke.

Kruschev is taking a stroll through a modern paintings exposition. He says, 'This is shit, a 5 year old can paint like this. And what is this one? Looks like an ass with ears.' Kruschev's advisor says, 'Sir, it's a mirror'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hu7q9/50_year_old_soviet_joke/
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Why did the tear testify in court?

Because he was an eye wetness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hu2o0/why_did_the_tear_testify_in_court/
%
Did you know the Bible forbids sunbathing in Greece?

That means it is a sin to go to Cos and get a tan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hu0by/did_you_know_the_bible_forbids_sunbathing_in/
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What present can you give to the woman who has everything?

Antibiotics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hu05h/what_present_can_you_give_to_the_woman_who_has/
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Morning sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "you've got to make love to me this very moment."
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this us going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave her my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "thanx," and return to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzle, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, *"the eggs timer's broken"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3htzq9/morning_sex/
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"When I was your age, I invented the time machine"

I told my Granddad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3htxvi/when_i_was_your_age_i_invented_the_time_machine/
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Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3htvvw/two_fbi_agents_search_an_office_and_find_a_hard/
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A logician just had a baby

Her friends ask her: "A boy or a girl?"
She replies: "Yes"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3htsda/a_logician_just_had_a_baby/
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The other day someone asked me what the capital of greece was....

My answer of "i dont know, about ten dollars?" was not acceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3htqno/the_other_day_someone_asked_me_what_the_capital/
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Only 4 percent of Texas residents think there is an immigration problem...

The other 96% said "que dijo?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3htpcp/only_4_percent_of_texas_residents_think_there_is/
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What does a ship weigh when she leaves for a journey?

Anchor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3htoav/what_does_a_ship_weigh_when_she_leaves_for_a/
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Why did the top bun and bottom bun of the Big Mac get in a fight?

There was bad beef between them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3htl5l/why_did_the_top_bun_and_bottom_bun_of_the_big_mac/
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I don't want to die a virgin...

... it would really confuse my kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hter5/i_dont_want_to_die_a_virgin/
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An oldie but a goodie

A towns prison was overflowing with inmates, and they were running out of room for new prisoners.
The local police force decided to allow two criminals to be punished by the public for their crimes. One was a wife beater, and the other was a rapist.
There was a queue in front of each criminal. People who queued for the rapist were allowed to give one swift kick to the rapists nuts, and people in the wife beaters queue were allowed to give one sucker punch to the wife beaters face.
A guy sees the commotion, and decided to join in the queue to punish the wife beater. The guy gets to the wife beater and swiftly launches a solid punt to the guys nuts.
A nearby police officer suddenly yells to the guy "Hey! You can't do that, this is the punch line!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3htci0/an_oldie_but_a_goodie/
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BIG Trouble! joke.

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”
They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”
Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude…
God is missing–and they think WE did it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ht5xq/big_trouble_joke/
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What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian?

Jah bless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ht44k/what_do_you_call_an_unemployed_rastafarian/
%
A man walks into a bar on the roof of a skyscraper...

A man walks into a bar on the roof of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a drink. A drunk hobbles over next to him and asks him "Ha-have you ever been here before?" "No." The man replies, "This is my first time here." "I love this place!" Slurs the drunk. "Wanna know why?" "Sure." The man says. "There is a wind that comes through the city and shoots right up this building. You can jump out the window and fall five stories and the wind brings you right back up!" "You are full of it." The man responds. "I'll bet you!" Counters the drunk. "I will go jump out the window and when the wind brings me back up you have to buy me a beer!" "Deal." The drunk runs and jumps out the window and sure enough he falls five stories and the wind brings him right back up. "That's amazing!" Exclaims the man. "You owe me a beer." Slurs the drunk. "Ya ya sure sure. Bartender give the guy a beer. I have to try this." The man drops some money on the counter for the beer and runs and jumps out the window falling to his death. The bartender looks at the drunk and says "You are a real asshole when you are drunk Superman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ht1mc/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_on_the_roof_of_a_skyscraper/
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These Jared from Subway jokes are so tired

Bill Cosby started using them to knock out his victims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hsy8v/these_jared_from_subway_jokes_are_so_tired/
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Q- How many billionaires does it take to make Batman

A- Three.  Two to die and one to never get over it.
I heard this in the game Arkham Knight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hsw36/q_how_many_billionaires_does_it_take_to_make/
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Is Jared Fogle going to jail??

Because I heard he's looking at 8-12 years...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hssn1/is_jared_fogle_going_to_jail/
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How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hssdt/how_many_super_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hspuu/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_a_twitch/
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If Jesus is always walking with me in my life, then when I look back, why do I only see one set of footprints?

Sandpeople always travel single file to hide their numbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hspe2/if_jesus_is_always_walking_with_me_in_my_life/
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Trump for president!

There will be hell toupée

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hska9/trump_for_president/
%
If life gives you melons

You might be dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hsk86/if_life_gives_you_melons/
%
If ISIS would really like the world to know their intentions..

they should kill a lion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hsjve/if_isis_would_really_like_the_world_to_know_their/
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Why did the Native American quit his desk job at the Marriot?

He didn't like dealing with reservations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hsemq/why_did_the_native_american_quit_his_desk_job_at/
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I once told a chemistry joke

There was no reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hsafc/i_once_told_a_chemistry_joke/
%
I have an asian friend who always points out the obvious things

I call him obvious lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hs45x/i_have_an_asian_friend_who_always_points_out_the/
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Jared Fogle of Subway told his wife she didn't have to worry about the Ashley Madison leaks...

...he was on Club Penguin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hs3ww/jared_fogle_of_subway_told_his_wife_she_didnt/
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What's the opposite of Christopher Walken

Christopher Reeve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hs145/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_walken/
%
After much consideration, I do not believe Wolverine in the X-Men movies is real.

It's obviously just a huge act, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hrw56/after_much_consideration_i_do_not_believe/
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What's the difference between Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger?

Tom wants his balls illegally deflated on the field and Ben wants that off the field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hrun8/whats_the_difference_between_tom_brady_and_ben/
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TIL King George III had a strong distaste for The Colonies

In fact he found them revolting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hrua4/til_king_george_iii_had_a_strong_distaste_for_the/
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Why shouldn't you trust big cats?

They are a bunch of lion cheetah pussies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hrtw0/why_shouldnt_you_trust_big_cats/
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What is Josh Duggar's second favorite dating website after Ashley-Madison?

Ancestry.com

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hrts4/what_is_josh_duggars_second_favorite_dating/
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Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We went to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he said nothing about it.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was something I had done. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and again he said nothing. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hrqdb/wifes_diary/
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Why was the Frenchmen racist?

Because he was a bigette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hrpq6/why_was_the_frenchmen_racist/
%
Little Timmy was told that everybody has a secret.

Little Timmy was told at school today, that everybody had a secret, so dark that they would do anything to keep it a secret.
So he decided to test this out.
He went to his mom and looked straight into her eyes and said : Mom I know your secret.
And without a moment passing his mom burst in tears and handed him 20 dollars, telling him to keep the secret to himself.
With 20 dollars in his pocket, he was quick running to his father, staring at him the way he stared at his mom stating : Dad... I know your secret.
With shaking hands his dad, grabbed his wallet from his pocket, dragging out a 100 dollar bill, handing it to Timmy , stating. "Don´t tell anyone about it".
Could this be? Timmy thought to himself and wow already got 120 bucks for this. And as he was going outside he was greeted by the post man.
Thinking that he could gain a quick buck he stared intensely at the mail man and with a clear sound voice he said to him. " I know your secret "
And in that same moment the postman, fell to his knee´s. "Come here son, I am so happy you finally know!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hrpne/little_timmy_was_told_that_everybody_has_a_secret/
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A woman goes into a bar and says "T G I F, hey bar keep, give me a beer."

The bartender replies, "S H I T. what would you like?
The woman says "uh, okay. I'll have a lager.  Whew, T G I F"
The bartender says,  "S H I T, here you go," and hands her the beer.
The woman starts to get irritated and says "why do you keep saying S H I T?  I'm a lady and I think that's rude. "
The bartender says "well you keep saying T G I F."
"Well, thank god it's Friday." She says
"Sorry, honey, it's Thursday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hrc2a/a_woman_goes_into_a_bar_and_says_t_g_i_f_hey_bar/
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PROUD FATHER

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" despite her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hrbgs/proud_father/
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A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her...

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her.
At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds.”
An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but the ten seconds pass, and nothing happens.
“Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.”
He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.
“Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!”
“Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hr8l3/a_mans_wife_disappears_and_hes_accused_of_killing/
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I sprayed a spider in my house with Axe, to try and kill it.

But now it's name is Chad, and he's fucking my girlfriend...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hr7rn/i_sprayed_a_spider_in_my_house_with_axe_to_try/
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What does Jared Fogle have in common with the guy who won a $1,000 gift card from Chipotle? [NSFW]

Both of their assholes are going to take a pounding in 2015.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hr20y/what_does_jared_fogle_have_in_common_with_the_guy/
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Sixth-grade teacher

Mrs. Fisher, the sixth-grade teacher, tells the class that today they’re going to have a spelling bee.
Instructing the first kid to stand up, she asks, “Robert, what does your father do for a living? Say
it nice and clearly, and then spell it out.”
“My father’s a baker,” answers Robert. “B-A-K-E-R-R.”
“That’s not quite right, Robert. Try again,” chides Mrs. Fisher gently.
“B-A . . .” says Robert, thinking hard, “K-E-R.”
“Very good. Now, Cecily?”
“Doctor. D-O-C-T-O-R,” Cecily says smugly and sits down.
“Very good. Herbie?”
Herbie stands up and says, “Shipbuilder. S-H-I-T—”
“No, Herbie,” interrupts Mrs. Fisher. “Try again.”
“Ship . . . builder. S-H-I-T—”
“No, no, no. Go to the blackboard and write it out and you’ll see your mistake.”
As Herbie heads toward the front of the class, Mrs. Fisher turns to the next child, Lenny, who
jumps up and says, “My father’s a bookie. That’s B-double O-K-I-E, and I’ll lay you six to one
that that dope puts ‘shit’ on the board.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hqxy5/sixthgrade_teacher/
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Programmers wife tells him to go to the store...

She tell him, "Get some bacon, if there’s milk get three."
He comes back with three packs of bacon and no milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hqv4z/programmers_wife_tells_him_to_go_to_the_store/
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THAT WOULD SUIT ME

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?" "That would suit me just fine!" the man said. Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by with the same result. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hqsrs/that_would_suit_me/
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Fair young lady

Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem—how to carry all his purchases. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" ''Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there." The young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?" The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hqpus/fair_young_lady/
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What's Subway Jared's favorite TV show?

19 Kids and Counting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hqpgu/whats_subway_jareds_favorite_tv_show/
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BABY POWDER

It's after dinner when this guy realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to the corner bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back.
The bartender offers him a draft on the house and he decides he has time for just one. He's nursing it along when a gorgeous blonde comes in the door. He looks the other way because he knows he has no time to fool around. She ends up sitting down next to him and starts talking to him.
One thing leads to another and eventually he ends up back at her apartment and they go at it like crazy. The next thing he knows it's four o'clock in the morning. He looks at his watch, wakes up the blonde and asks her if she has any powder.
"Look in the bathroom cabinet," she says.
He dusts his hands liberally with the powder, drives home at 90 mph, and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him with a rolling pin in her hand.
"So where've you been? she screeches.
"Well, you see, honey," he stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful bombshell walked in and we got to talking and drinking and we've been back at her apartment fucking like bunnies..."
"Wait a minute," snaps his wife. "Let me see your hands." Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't you ever try lying to me again, you rotten skunk - you've been bowling again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hqlvw/baby_powder/
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'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hqjqd/hi_were_prostitutes_want_to_have_some_fun/
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Why couldn't Princess Leia find love?

She was looking in Alderaan places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hqhhg/why_couldnt_princess_leia_find_love/
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What's the difference between God and Donald Trump?

God doesn't think he's Donald Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hqe74/whats_the_difference_between_god_and_donald_trump/
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She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication,

got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if she needed some help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hqccn/she_hurried_to_the_pharmacy_to_get_medication/
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People tell me filling animals with helium is bad..

But i say whatever floats your goat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hqaky/people_tell_me_filling_animals_with_helium_is_bad/
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The Farmer and the DEA Agent

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....," as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hqa4s/the_farmer_and_the_dea_agent/
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This is a math joke

So x^2 goes to a x^3 and asks, do you believe in god.
For a moment the x^3 pauses before responding, you know what, I do believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hq9wf/this_is_a_math_joke/
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Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

He's 0K right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hq9l5/scientists_announced_that_a_man_had_chilled/
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Barry worked at a coal mine

One day he was leaving work with a wheelbarrow which had a box on it. The guard, looking at him suspiciously, stopped him and asked, "What's inside that box?"
Barry: "Nothing"
The guard opened the box, saw it was empty and let Barry go.
The next day the same thing happened. This kept going on for about a month, until some day when the guard stopped Barry and said, "Look, Barry. I know you're up to something. I think you're stealing something, but I don't know what. Just tell me what it is that you're doing, and I promise to let you go."
Barry: "Every day I steal a new wheelbarrow. I use the box as a disguise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hq7yy/barry_worked_at_a_coal_mine/
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Subway's known about Jared since the beginning

how else can you explain how they knew he likes to eat fresh.
I'm going to hell for this one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hq4md/subways_known_about_jared_since_the_beginning/
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Bear Warning!

Grizzly Bear Notice:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear
conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game
is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra
precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on
their clothing so as not to startle the bears that aren't
expecting them.  We also advise outdoorsmen to carry
pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a
bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear
activity.  Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference
between black bear and grizzly bear poop.  Black bear poop is smaller and contains a lot of berry seeds and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hq2s7/bear_warning/
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What do giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind on bones to make their bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hq0kh/what_do_giants_and_strippers_have_in_common/
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Son: what shall I go as to the Halloween party, mum?

Mum: Hang your GCSE results around your neck and go as a fucking idiot, son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hq0bt/son_what_shall_i_go_as_to_the_halloween_party_mum/
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What does Dick Cheney call rape?

Enhanced Seduction Techniques.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hq044/what_does_dick_cheney_call_rape/
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So my younger sister walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex

"Uhh that's gross, what are you doing?" she asked
I answered: "Don't worry it's only natural, I bet you'll be doing it soon as well"
"Really? Why?"
"Because my girlfriend gets tired awfully quick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hpzn4/so_my_younger_sister_walked_in_on_me_and_my/
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What's the official sports drink of the KKK?

White Power-ade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hpxre/whats_the_official_sports_drink_of_the_kkk/
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I usually like telling jokes,

But I always seem to punch up the fuckline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hpry5/i_usually_like_telling_jokes/
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A young and old bull are both walking until they come upon a hill....

When they walk to the top of the hill they see a whole group of cows grazing in the meadow. The young bull being eager and excited say to the old bull "Hey let's run down there and screw one of them cows".
The old bull then turns to the young bull slowly and says "or we can walk down there and screw them all".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hprql/a_young_and_old_bull_are_both_walking_until_they/
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What do you call a Chinese fly with no wings?

A wok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hpoh3/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_fly_with_no_wings/
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Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hpl7q/subway_to_release_a_statement_next_week/
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

10.
1 to change it and 9 to say they could have done it better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hpks1/how_many_actors_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body

....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hpkpt/when_wearing_a_bikiniwomen_reveal_90_of_their_body/
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Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hpk6u/why_dont_jedi_knights_use_the_kelvin_scale/
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Why did the Mexican put hot sauce on his taco?

Por flavor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hpiau/why_did_the_mexican_put_hot_sauce_on_his_taco/
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What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Dead Ant, Dead Ant....Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hpd8z/what_did_pink_panther_say_when_he_stepped_on_an/
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TIFU by getting fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hpbtx/tifu_by_getting_fired_from_the_calendar_factory/
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I'm going to major in Philosophy when I go to college...

...so one day I can ask '*Why* do you want fries with that?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hpaea/im_going_to_major_in_philosophy_when_i_go_to/
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Gf just passed her driving test

My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town.
It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park.
"I'm confident in you babe just do what you did in the test" I said
She slowly started unziping my flies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hp5rj/gf_just_passed_her_driving_test/
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What do we want ? Race-car noises! When do we want them?

Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hoz6m/what_do_we_want_racecar_noises_when_do_we_want/
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I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hoyig/im_good_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
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Why did Snoop Dogg buy an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hox74/why_did_snoop_dogg_buy_an_umbrella/
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Looks like Subway finally has a good excuse for their footlongs being less than 12 inches

Anything under 12 is better for Jared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hoqpi/looks_like_subway_finally_has_a_good_excuse_for/
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Ancient Soviet joke

Guy turns on the TV and there's Brezhnev making a speech. He changes the channel, there's Brezhnev again, and tries again and on the next channel is a KGB officer saying - 'You'd better stop changing channels'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hooge/ancient_soviet_joke/
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I thought I liked spheres

then I realized they're pointless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3homer/i_thought_i_liked_spheres/
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A cheers for women's underwear...

...they might not be the best thing, but they are the closest thing to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hok7u/a_cheers_for_womens_underwear/
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Do you know why every new bride smiles?

Because she just gave her last blow job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hoixm/do_you_know_why_every_new_bride_smiles/
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A pirate captain sees an enemy ship approaching...

As the ship gets closer he yells to the deckhand. "Deckhand, get me me favorite red shirt from the bunkhouse." The deckhand retrieves the shirt and gives it to the captain. The battle is short-lived, and the captain's crew prevails. A week later, two enemy ships approach. As the ships get closer the captain once again yells to his deckhand, "Deckhand, get me me favorite red shirt." The deckhand retrieves the shirt. Though the crew suffers some casualties, they once again prevail in the battle. Later that evening the deckhand asks the captain, "Why do you always have me bring you your red shirt before battle?". The captain replies, "I wear a red shirt so that the men will not lose faith if I am injured for the red shirt will mask the wound." The next morning 10 enemy ships approach and the captain yells, "Deckhand, get me me finest pair of brown pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hog1k/a_pirate_captain_sees_an_enemy_ship_approaching/
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How did Jared lose 40 pounds?

He dumped his girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hoevt/how_did_jared_lose_40_pounds/
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[NSFW] What’s the worst thing about...?

....getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic?
Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.
*Yet another Australian pub joke*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hoc7y/nsfw_whats_the_worst_thing_about/
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The Mexican magician

There was a Mexican magician who could make anything disappear. One skeptical man wanted to see him do a trick so the Mahican said I will make you disappear on the count of 3.... Uno.. Dos... Then POOFF gone without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hoc5w/the_mexican_magician/
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What could Dora the Explorer's kids be called?

Doritos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hoadd/what_could_dora_the_explorers_kids_be_called/
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A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.
“$200″ – he replied.
“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, “There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!” – he yelled.
“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ho8p5/a_blonde_walked_into_a_shoe_shop_and_saw_a_pair/
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I made a huge mistake

I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub, she looked at me and she instantly knew that I've been lying to her for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ho75r/i_made_a_huge_mistake/
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An old joke from East Germany

A German worker gets a job in Siberia. Aware of how all mail will be read by censors, he tells his friends: "Let’s establish a code: if a letter you will get from me is written in ordinary blue ink, it is true; if it is written in red ink, it is false."
After a month, his friends get the first letter, written in blue ink: "Everything is wonderful here: stores are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, movie theaters show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affair—the only thing unavailable is *red ink*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ho4h2/an_old_joke_from_east_germany/
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Four dads go out to dinner...

After they order, one dad gets up and announces that he's going to the restroom and will be right back. Once he leaves, things are kind of awkward, so one dad breaks the tension.
"I just have to say, my son is the greatest thing I could've asked for. He started out as a table cleaner at a chain restaurant, he was a real loser, but he's gone to school and worked his way up the food chain to become CEO! He's got so much money and he's so successful that he bought his best friend a new Mercedes-Benz."
One dad is amazed, but the other is not impressed. "That's nothing!" he says. "My son is even better than yours. He started out flying remote control planes in the park, and now he owns an airline and flies hundreds of thousands of guests across the Earth! He bought his best friend a new private jet for his birthday."
The third dad has had it. "Your sons are both losers! My son is an architect. He started out designing mailboxes for our neighbors, and now he owns his own architectural company that designs mansions for music stars. He was able to casually build a 300,000 square foot home for his best friend."
At this point, the fourth dad returns from the restroom. "Sorry I was gone so long, what have you all been talking about?" All the dads respond at once: "We've been talking about how great our sons are!!"
The fourth dad hangs his head. "Damn. My son is a total reject. We've given up hope on him." "What could be so bad?" asks one dad.
"You see," says the fourth dad, "my son is a male stripper." All the dads gasp. "Yeah, yeah, I know. However, my kid's doing well for himself. His three best clients bought him a new car, a private jet, and a mansion!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ho3qm/four_dads_go_out_to_dinner/
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Jared Fogle is going to prison.

It looks as if his steady diet of footlongs will continue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hny8w/jared_fogle_is_going_to_prison/
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What do you call it when two Vietnamese people are together?

A Nguyen Nguyen situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hnxmg/what_do_you_call_it_when_two_vietnamese_people/
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Why are Subway and Jared no longer together?

Because Subway has been around longer than 17 years and Jared lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hnt80/why_are_subway_and_jared_no_longer_together/
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A Chinese Man goes to the eye doctor

A Chinese guy goes to an eye doctor and the doctor says,
"I know why you've been having trouble. you have a cataract." and the Chinese guy says, "No I drive a rincon continental,"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hns6s/a_chinese_man_goes_to_the_eye_doctor/
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I hate when multiple people are pregnant and someone says something like, “I guess there’s something in the water...”

If that’s true, it’s semen, and they aren’t drinking it, and neither am I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hnppt/i_hate_when_multiple_people_are_pregnant_and/
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What do you get when you divide (Sin B) by (Tan B)?

You get roofies, cuffs and a sore butthole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hnotj/what_do_you_get_when_you_divide_sin_b_by_tan_b/
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My complete lack of knowledge about Greek mythology has always been my achilles elbow.

thanks, Mike!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hnol0/my_complete_lack_of_knowledge_about_greek/
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Stop making fun of fat people.

They have enough on their plates!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hnnra/stop_making_fun_of_fat_people/
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I remembered my favourite joke about Islam last night and I had a giggle, so I'm gonna share it:

A Christian man and his wife were driving through a known Muslim country that had ISIS activity throughout it. They weren't happy, but they had to get through the country to get somewhere. So they're driving along and suddenly they're stopped by a group of people they can immediately identify as members of ISIS- they have outwardly Muslim appearance and are carrying large guns. After shouting at the man in Arabic, one of them addresses him in English:
"You! Are you Muslim? Are you with Allah?"
The husband panics and agrees- "Yes! I am a good Muslim man! Please, let me pass!"
The ISIS members wave them on, and they continue driving. The wife freaks out, and says,
"Are you kidding! We don't know anything about Islam or the Qur'an! What if they'd asked us about it, we would have been caught out immediately!"
The husband laughs and says, "Dear, if they'd read the Qur'an, they wouldn't be in ISIS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hniww/i_remembered_my_favourite_joke_about_islam_last/
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A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.  They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us. I learned a lot from them."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hnipx/a_young_family_moved_into_a_house_next_to_a/
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Where did Josh Duggar take his first Ashley Madison date?

Subway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hniiq/where_did_josh_duggar_take_his_first_ashley/
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Why was the Dragonborn arrested in the Whiterun bakery?

Dough fucking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hnhom/why_was_the_dragonborn_arrested_in_the_whiterun/
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I can walk on water

... but I tend to stagger on beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hneqd/i_can_walk_on_water/
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Req: I need jokes about being cheap.

I Bartend at a jazz club that hosts an open mic night for amateur comedians once a month. My boss/the owner is the cheapest scum bag I've ever met. He will not pay people their pay checks for months. And then still only give half of it.
He'll pay the kitchen staff $5 an hour off the books when they're supposed to get $9 and be on the books for benefits. They all work over 40 hours a week so he gets around overtime pay by keeping them off the books.
I've found a new job already, so my plan is to roast him in front of everyone for being so cheap and embarass him so hard he fires me.
Ill video tape it and the most up voted jokes will be used. Then I'll post the video and give credit to each user in my youtube video. Thanks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hndr3/req_i_need_jokes_about_being_cheap/
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A Rabbi in the Confessional Booth

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:" How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hnc26/a_rabbi_in_the_confessional_booth/
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Why do feminist picnics suck?

Because no one made any sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hn5wi/why_do_feminist_picnics_suck/
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A man in a job interview.

Interviewer: "This job requires you to know Powerpoint, how skilled are you with the program"
Man: "Well, I Excel in Powerpoint"
Interviewer: "Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun?"
Man: "Word."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hn2tc/a_man_in_a_job_interview/
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What should you do if there is a blackout at night?

Call the police, they'll come and shoot it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hn1aw/what_should_you_do_if_there_is_a_blackout_at_night/
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So this penguin is on vacation

in Florida and he is driving around when suddenly his car starts slowing down and sputtering, so he pushes it a bit more and makes it to a repair shop. The mechanic goes over, takes a look and says that the car will be ready in a few hours. He suggests that since the penguin is a tourist he should check out the beach since it is only a short walk away. So the penguin takes his advice and walks to the beach. However when he gets there it is so hot that he decides to get a vanilla ice cream. But since it is so hot and the ice cream is melting, he gets some all over his face and his hands. After finishing his ice cream he heads back to the repair shop to get his car. Upon his arrival the mechanic says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal" to which the penguin replies, "What? No that's just ice cream".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hmyqs/so_this_penguin_is_on_vacation/
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What do you call a hot Filipino?

A Filipiño.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hmyjt/what_do_you_call_a_hot_filipino/
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One from my dad

This happened last night as I was heading out before a tinder date looking all magic Mike.
"Son, I'll bet you anything I know where you got your shoes."
I brought these new kicks last week from a store that just opened. He has no chance.
"Are you sure?" I said all excited.
"Yes! Here!" He pulls out a hundred dollar bill and places it on the table in front of me.
"My hundred to your $10, we got a deal?"
"Of course!" I said. This is going to be a free night out.
"Put your $10 on the table then son"
Never have I ripped out a ten dollar note faster.
"I'll tell you where you got your shoes..... On your feet"
-_-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hmxgw/one_from_my_dad/
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How many Freudian Analysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2. One to screw it in and the other to hold the penis---ladder!!
I meant ladder...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hmwdq/how_many_freudian_analysts_does_it_take_to_screw/
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Nurse Joke (NSFW)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hmw6v/nurse_joke_nsfw/
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If you ever get cold

Just stand in the corner of a room, they're about 90 degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hmurn/if_you_ever_get_cold/
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What's Jared Fogle's favorite time of day?

When the big hand touches the little one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hmpzn/whats_jared_fogles_favorite_time_of_day/
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Armadillos are quite expensive.

They usually cost an arm and a leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hmpq9/armadillos_are_quite_expensive/
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Where does a dog get a new tail?

At the Retail Store

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hmi1m/where_does_a_dog_get_a_new_tail/
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Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hmg2h/isnt_this_whole_ashley_madison_hack_exactly_what/
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I'm starting an A Capella group with five other ill tempered pedophiles.

We're called Six Dicks in A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hmej5/im_starting_an_a_capella_group_with_five_other/
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Why were the dyslexic lesbians frustrated?

They kept trying 96 but couldn't make each other cum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hm8d5/why_were_the_dyslexic_lesbians_frustrated/
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I was told that tipping your server is normal in America

But apparently this will get you fired as a systems administrator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hm83e/i_was_told_that_tipping_your_server_is_normal_in/
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Why do adults like Legos so much, when they grow old?

They can't lego of their childhood.
Tell some more Lego puns, here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hm6qp/why_do_adults_like_legos_so_much_when_they_grow/
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I think we should solve world hunger.

You might say I'm a strong believer in world peas.
^I'll ^see ^myself ^out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hm6ao/i_think_we_should_solve_world_hunger/
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Jared Fogle Of Subway Started and Ended His Career The Same Way.

Trying to get into smaller pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hm1sv/jared_fogle_of_subway_started_and_ended_his/
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Two Crazy Men

Two men planned to run away from the psychiatric hospital. They started planning and agreed that they will go to the gate, beat up the watchman, open the gate and run away.
When they reached the gate, the watchman was not there and the gate was wide open. They turned to each other and said, "Shit! our plan has failed, lets go back, we will try again tomorrow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hm0aq/two_crazy_men/
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How do Reavers keep their weapons looking so good?

They run them through the Wash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hlyyu/how_do_reavers_keep_their_weapons_looking_so_good/
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Scientists just discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...

it's called 'wedding cake'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hly2e/scientists_just_discovered_a_food_that_diminishes/
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Rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part that is most useful when erect...

...Those who answered 'spine' will be doctors someday. The rest of us will be posting jokes on Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hlx4k/rearrange_the_letters_pneis_into_the_name_of_an/
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What do we want?! A cure for Tourretes!! When do we want it!?

CUNT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hlsp5/what_do_we_want_a_cure_for_tourretes_when_do_we/
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My son asked me where babies come from

"They come out of mommy's belly" I said
He then asked, "Well where do they come out?"
"Through a special hole between her legs" I replied
"Well I think she's having another one, I saw her yesterday feeding it a cucumber"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hlshw/my_son_asked_me_where_babies_come_from/
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TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME ;)

1.  A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2.  ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3.  ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4.  A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5.  A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7.  Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.  The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8.  Another one was:  Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.  'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10.  A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11.  I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12.  My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13.  I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14.  A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15.  There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
16.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
17.  When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18.  ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19.   I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.
20.   I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21.   A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22.  Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23.  A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24.  A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
25.  The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
26.   I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27.  Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
28.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29.   I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''
30.   I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31.  So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32.  Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33.  I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34.  There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35.  I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36.  I backed a horse last week at ten to one.  It came in at quarter past four.
37.   I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38.   A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
39.  My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40.  I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41.   Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
42.  I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43.  You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44.  A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45.   I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46.   I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47.   So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48.   Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
49.  A seal walks into a club...
50.   I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went  -  and I got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hlpeo/top_50_jokes_of_all_time/
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A first grade teacher asks her students, "What comes after 69?"

One student responds, "Mouthwash"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hlj8f/a_first_grade_teacher_asks_her_students_what/
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What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hlhqi/what_do_you_call_a_guitarist_without_a_girlfriend/
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Very few people can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut nowadays.

Then again, very few people cut their own hair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hlcz4/very_few_people_can_brag_about_getting_a_handjob/
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A lady stood in line in a grocery shop

She put the grocery on the table
1egg
1milk
1bred
1banana
1avocado
1soda
1bag of chips
1toothpaste
1ice
1bagofdicks
1orange
1gum
1cucumber
The man at the counter is looking at the groceries and then at the woman and mumbles: Ohh so you are single!?
The women answer a bit shy: yes, how did you figure that out?
The man who already packed the groceries in a bag looks at her as he hands over the bag and say:
Because you are fucking ugly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hl9kf/a_lady_stood_in_line_in_a_grocery_shop/
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A Very Touching Story

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hl952/a_very_touching_story/
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The narcissistic cannibal started to eat his own body but stopped

because he was already full of himself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hl6pb/the_narcissistic_cannibal_started_to_eat_his_own/
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Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hl1mt/why_do_farts_smell/
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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid night.
**Story:** With the heat and humidity I was finding it very hard to sleep, and had taken to watching some Japanese horror flicks on my laptop to kill some time. I had my headphones on since I needed to open all the bedroom windows (thanks to the heat) and I didn't want to disturb my neighbours.
At a poignant part of the story in the movie, I could hear over the sound track a slow rhythmic masculine groan. After about a minute of confusion I realised that some of my neighbours were enjoying some casual coital union. The rhythmic groan picked up in frequency and amplitude, and was soon offset with his partners feminine "yes"es.
Needless to say, I was no longer watching my horror movie and I was laughing hysterically, yet quietly, at this point into my pillow.
Quickly their coital activities got to a point of "fever pitch" where the male neighbour announced, "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum!" to which the female neighbour demands he "wait, and cum on my face!". Cue a series of climatic groaning and other such sounds of affirmation.
Job done, the female announces that she's heading off to have a shower (good call) and goes to the bathroom to do so. All the windows are open it seems, as one can hear all the associated sounds of a shower hard earned.
Upon her arrival back into the bedroom the female scolds her counterpart for lighting up and enjoying a cigarette in her absence,  stating "Dammit you know that ciggie smoke irritates my sinuses!". Shortly after this statement, she sneezes loudly and impressively. At this point I turn towards my open window and say in a nice loud voice "Bless you!"...
..Silence...
...An embarrassed scream.
...And a Guinness World Record attempt in the number of windows closed in the shortest period of time possible.
I nearly pissed myself laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkzb5/nsfw_totally_legit_but_you_can_use_a_joke_if_you/
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My mate asked me why I had sex noises saved on my iPod...

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex".
He asked, "Ah, is the wife a bit quiet in the bedroom?"
"No," I replied, "I work in a morgue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkypx/my_mate_asked_me_why_i_had_sex_noises_saved_on_my/
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Why does the Little Mermaid wear sea shells?

Because D shells are too big and B shells are too small.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkvmw/why_does_the_little_mermaid_wear_sea_shells/
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Why do demons love apostrophes?

They show possession.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkvm1/why_do_demons_love_apostrophes/
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What was the most successful love story in Game of Thrones?

Shireen.  She was only on Tinder for a couple of minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkttw/what_was_the_most_successful_love_story_in_game/
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True story...

My 4 year old nephew and his family came to visit the other day. He was carrying a bag of chips and asked if I wanted some. I told him, "No, those are bad for you."
He looked at me so confused and then asked, "Why?" I told him they would make him fat and if he ever wanted to be strong he would have to eat more healthy food and less junk food.
He looked confused again and with the bag still in his hand asked me to pick him up, which I did. He looked at me while putting another chip in his mouth and said, "But you're strong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hks8j/true_story/
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Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkr6p/did_you_know_you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by/
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My point exactly.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.
When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkqf1/my_point_exactly/
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I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl.

They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkpy6/i_told_my_friends_im_going_on_a_date_with_a_cute/
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Why did the boy fail to become a footballer ?

He didn't have any goal in his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkmf2/why_did_the_boy_fail_to_become_a_footballer/
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Why did the pedophile go to Walmart?

He heard that boys pants were half off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkkkb/why_did_the_pedophile_go_to_walmart/
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Three men and the Devil.

Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil.
The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man’s slave.
If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up.
The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten.
The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten.
The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling, “You think I’m a fool? Try finding that!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkkfc/three_men_and_the_devil/
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What do you call a vengeful cheese?

Comte de Monte Cristo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkf9q/what_do_you_call_a_vengeful_cheese/
%
Getting hit by a sound wave a couple of times won't affect you. Increase the frequency however...

And it hertz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hke7x/getting_hit_by_a_sound_wave_a_couple_of_times/
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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkcu5/it_was_george_the_mailmans_last_day_on_the_job/
%
My wife came back really upset from her doctor's appointment

-What did he say my love?
-He said we cannot have sex for at least a month...
-How that?
-He is on vacation in Barbados for a month...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkbsc/my_wife_came_back_really_upset_from_her_doctors/
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Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hk7wi/wife_i_look_fat_can_you_give_me_a_compliment/
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Geez, there's a lot of people on this Ashley Madison list...

It's a pretty bad state of affairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hk4ql/geez_theres_a_lot_of_people_on_this_ashley/
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Why did the Atheist fail algebra?

He didn't believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hk0jm/why_did_the_atheist_fail_algebra/
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Mixed up presents

So this guy wants to make a nice gift for the girl he's recently started dating. He decides for a nice pair of gloves. Nice and romantic but not too personal. To pick a nice pair, he went to the store, accompanied by his sister. At the department store, the sister also bought a pair of undies for herself.
Now, as the store wraps up their purchases, they unfortunately mixed up the gloves and the undies, unbeknownst to the poor guy. Well, he decides to mail the gloves to his girl and adds the following note:
"I got you these because I noticed you don't normally wear any. I think I'd have preferred ones with buttons, but your sister wears short ones too, and they're easier to pull off. The color might be a bit risky, but the shop assistant showed me hers, which she'd been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly stained. She also tried yours on, and it look really chic.
I wish I could be the first one to put them on you, but by the time I see you next Friday, I'm sure many will have come into contact with them. When you take them off, don't forget to blow into them, because they get wet from wearing. Think about how often I'll kiss them for the next years. I hope you'll wear them for me this Friday.
Love,
your darling.
PS: The newest fashion is to wear them turned-down so that a bit of the fur shows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hjsqd/mixed_up_presents/
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Why is Kim Jong-un so bad?

He has no Seoul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hjpm4/why_is_kim_jongun_so_bad/
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Who is the least guilty U.S. President?

Lincoln.
He's in a cent!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hjobz/who_is_the_least_guilty_us_president/
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The man who cried wolf

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hjm39/the_man_who_cried_wolf/
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I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 pm

The clock turned to 12:00 and I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hjkha/i_was_sitting_on_the_toilet_at_1159_pm/
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What's the worst part about being a black Jew

You have to sit at the back of the gas chamber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hjjd4/whats_the_worst_part_about_being_a_black_jew/
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DEA officer visits a ranch

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed to the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hjfm0/dea_officer_visits_a_ranch/
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There once was a cheerio...

There once was a cheerio who lived on plain cheerio island. He lived his life working 16 hours, 7 days a week, trying just to make ends meet. But all of this was pointless; he was not going anywhere in life. He would never end up with the prosperous cheerios on Frosted Cheerio island - or so he thought. One day, whilst working in the factory, the cheerio - lets call him Bob - noticed a flaw in the production line that decreased production speeds by 10000%. He reported this to his manager, and guess what? The improvement made both Bob and his manager super-rich, enough to move to Frosted Cheerio island.
Now, after this major upgrade, Bob had everything he wanted. Girls, cash, a tower of a home. But this was not enough for bob. He looked over the ocean, just to see the shining lights of Honey Nut Island, drawing him in like a fly to a light.  It became his new goal to one day set foot on this island.
Bob worked hard, and partied harder. Once, during a party, he met a representative of the Honey Nut Island, who had been vetting him silently for the last few months. The representative approached Bob, and told him he managed to meet the requirements to become a citizen of Honey Nut Island. Bob asked when he would move over, and the rep replied, 'Immediately'.
Honey Nut Island was the stuff of dreams and legends, and Bob's imagination of what the island was like did not disappoint him. Even the endless drink lines that he had dreamed about existed. Bob was really in the mood for Fruit Punch, and he began looking for it. But, sadly, there was no Punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hjeu9/there_once_was_a_cheerio/
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Ollie and the pope

Everyday ollie would brag about how he knew everyone in the world to his boss. Until one day his boss got fed up and said "all right ollie you don't know tom cruise we're going to fly to holly wood knock on his door and see if he knows you!". So they flew out to Hollywood found tom cruises house and knocked on his door. When Cruise answered the door he gave ollie a hug and exclaimed "Hey ollie it's been a while since I've seen you". Ollie's boss was dumb founded "holy crap ollie knows tom cruise" he thought to himself. "All right ollie I bet you don't know Obama!" So they fly out to Washington DC and go to the white house. As ollie walks up to the white house all the guards were excited to see him all saying they hadn't seen him in a while. The guards allowed him into the oval office and Obama and ollie began talking as if they were old friends. Ollie's boss couldn't believe it and finally said "all right ollie I'm going to take you to the pope I bet he doesn't know you!" So they fly out to the Vatican and go see the Pope. Ollie told his boss to wait in front of the Vatican and he would see ollie on the outlook with the pope. So ollie's boss waited and waited until eventually ollie was up there with the pope. Ollie's boss was so shocked he had a heart attack. Ollie sees this and runs down to help his boss. Ollie is able to wake up his boss who tells ollie "I was fine until a Japanese tourist asked me 'who the hell is up there with ollie?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hjetw/ollie_and_the_pope/
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How does Sean Connery shave?

CTRL + S

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hj7cw/how_does_sean_connery_shave/
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Sugar

A blonde would wake up every morning, go into the kitchen, carefully open the lid of the sugar container, look into it and then close it.
This made her new boyfriend very curious. So one day he asked her why she did that. She replied, "My doctor asked me to check my sugar level every day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hj6og/sugar/
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A guy walks into a bar with a gun and asks out loud "who had sex with my wife!?"

A voice up the back said, "you don't have enough bullets!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hj6o2/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_gun_and_asks_out/
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Two Irish men are sitting in bar in New York....

The one Irish man turns to the other and asks him where he is from. The second Irish man responds by saying, " I'm from northern Ireland."
"Me too!" Says the first Irish man. He proceeds to ask the second Irish man where he went to school.
"St. Mary's Catholic church"
"Me too! What year did you graduate?"
"1974"
"Oh! Me too" they went on for a while discussing the similarities between their lives. One local turns to the bartender and asks, "What's with those guys?". Casually, the bartender replies, "it looks like the O'malley twins have had too much to drink again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hj6gb/two_irish_men_are_sitting_in_bar_in_new_york/
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What did the man who invented the bum shaking machine realize when he turned it on?

It twerked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hj5hm/what_did_the_man_who_invented_the_bum_shaking/
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What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?

Fur Traders

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hj4j7/what_do_you_call_2_lesbians_in_a_canoe/
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.  "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"  The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hj4ik/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for/
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Here's one myfriend's little sister told me.

Why can't you hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hj3a4/heres_one_myfriends_little_sister_told_me/
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A man that can understand animals walks into a bar...

...and he yells it out for the whole bar to hear. The bartender says to the man, "come out back to the barn and let's see wat good can do."
The man follows him to the barn upon seeing a cow. It moans "moooooo"
Curiously the bartender asks "what did he say". The man explains "the cow said he's tired of giving 12 ounces of milk a day."
They continued walking. When they reached the pigpen, the pig snarled "oink! Oink!"  Once again, the bartender asked the man what the pig had said to which the man replied "he said the mud it always to hit when he gets in". The bartender now believes the man and they steered to return to the bar.
On the way back, they crossed paths with a goat. "BAHH" it said. The bartender quickly exclaims "Don't listen to her! It was only once and we were drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hizje/a_man_that_can_understand_animals_walks_into_a_bar/
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A teacher starts working at a new school

. He soon finds out that one of the kids is always being bullied and picked on. Everyone calls this kid "Manny the Fool". During one of the breaks he asks some of the students how Manny earned his nickname. The kids laugh and offer a demonstration. They call Manny over and offer him two coins - a quarter and a silver dollar. Without thinking Manny picks the quarter and runs away. The kids all laugh at this and go back to their lessons.
Bewildered, the teacher calls "Manny the Fool" over and asks him, "Manny, why did you take the quarter? Don't you know that the silver dollar is worth more?"
"Yeah," says Manny, "but if I take the silver dollar, they will stop giving me money."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hiyz1/a_teacher_starts_working_at_a_new_school/
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What's worse than getting a boner in gym class?

When all your students can tell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hiwt8/whats_worse_than_getting_a_boner_in_gym_class/
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Girls' night out

Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said "No more girls' night out! My wife came back with no panties!"
The other husband said "You think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'From all us at the fire station...we'll never forget you!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hivwz/girls_night_out/
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New sales job!

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything
under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a
shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One."
The boss says "Just one ?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30
customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here.
We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida.
One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on
the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss
felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day.
He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him
a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was
going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need
a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine
Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat
and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I
said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hird7/new_sales_job/
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On a date, she said "You smell nice. What have you got on?"

"I've got a hard on. But I didn't know you could smell it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hik7u/on_a_date_she_said_you_smell_nice_what_have_you/
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Why did the lady with multiple personality disorder share her food with a friend?

Because Sharon is Karen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hifpv/why_did_the_lady_with_multiple_personality/
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A Chinese man goes to the optician

and the doctor tells him he has a Cataract.
That Chinese man says "no, I have a BMW".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hicr5/a_chinese_man_goes_to_the_optician/
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I know 25 letters of the alphabet really well...

...I don't know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hiaoa/i_know_25_letters_of_the_alphabet_really_well/
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Where does Vladimir keep his shit?

In his poo tin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hi87w/where_does_vladimir_keep_his_shit/
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Penis Casting Kit

I bought a penis-casting kit and made my wife a chocolate dildo version of my cock for her birthday.
When she opened her present, the first thing she asked was, "Where is the other one?"
I said, "What the fuck are you on about?"
She replied, "Don't Bountys come in twos?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hi85d/penis_casting_kit/
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what do exorcists and alcoholics have in common?

They both treat their demons with spirits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hi6gq/what_do_exorcists_and_alcoholics_have_in_common/
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nagging wife

A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hi0tz/nagging_wife/
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A funny pregnant women Joke

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hhz0p/a_funny_pregnant_women_joke/
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Do you know what Pinocchio and your dad have in common?

They were both inside a whale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hhus5/do_you_know_what_pinocchio_and_your_dad_have_in/
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Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hhrqn/why_did_the_picture_go_to_jail/
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Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."

The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."
"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick"
"I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hhpuj/dad_there_is_something_that_my_boyfriend_said_to/
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side-effects of alcohol.

A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol. She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"
The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hho06/sideeffects_of_alcohol/
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What started feminism?

An unlocked kitchen door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hhm39/what_started_feminism/
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Steve Irwin lived the way he died...

With animals in his heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hhjfp/steve_irwin_lived_the_way_he_died/
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A Mongolian Lumberjack

A Mongolian lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major Chinese logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.
"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.
The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.
"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." The foreman points out a much larger tree.
One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.
"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"
"In the Gobi Forest." Replied the lumberjack.
"Don't you mean the Gobi Desert?" Asked the foreman.
"That's why I'm here."
[Credit](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2um5jx/an_african_lumberjack/co9styg)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hhfci/a_mongolian_lumberjack/
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I went to a feminist picnic the other day...

It was great, apart from the fact that no one made any sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hhf00/i_went_to_a_feminist_picnic_the_other_day/
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how do you know if an asian man robbed your house

your homeworks done, your computers upgraded, and 3 hours later hes still trying to back out the driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hheh9/how_do_you_know_if_an_asian_man_robbed_your_house/
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Newly Married Husband

puts a notice
in front of his residence:
FOR SALE
Computer and Encyclopedia both in
good condition.
Reason for selling:
No longer needed
Got married.
Wife knows EVERYTHING ...
with backup server called
"Mother In Law "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hhdi9/newly_married_husband/
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A Dying husband asks his wife....

A Dying husband asks his wife: Our 7th son always looked different from the other 6, on my death bed, tell me the truth...did he have a different father?
Wife (crying): Yes!
Husband (in shock): Who?
Wife: You!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hhcij/a_dying_husband_asks_his_wife/
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Texas Three Kick Rule.

A lawyer from California was duck hunting between a lake, and a farm.
The Lawyer was a bad shot, and scared all the ducks into the air. One finally landed on the fence of the farm across from the lake. The lawyer took aim, and fired. The duck keeled over and fell onto the dirt on the farm's side of the fence.
The lawyer, excited, rushed over and hopped the fence, only to find the farmer holding the duck by it's legs.
"That is my duck sir, may I have it back?"
"Fell on muh property son. Looks like it's MY duck."
After a little arguing the lawyer lost his temper. The lawyer told the farmer that he would "sue his ass" if he didn't hand over the duck.
The farmer said, "Well son let me finish. You ain't from 'round here so I wouldn't 'spect you to understand how we do things here in Texas."
"Ok, how do you do things in this backwoods shithole?"
"Three kick rule boy. I kick you three times, since this is my property then you git to kick me three times. We keep on goin' til one of us gives up."
Assuming he could out kick the fragile old man, the lawyer agreed.
He stood tall and let the farmer go first. The farmer's first kick with his heavy steel toe boots, landed between the lawyer's testicles. It dropped him to all fours. The 2nd kick nearly tore his nose off, and the third kick, while he was rolling around in the mud, hit him square in the gut.
After a moment, the lawyer arose and gathered all of his strength. "ALRIGHT YOU OLD HICK MY TURN"
"Nah son...I give up. Take your duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hh8mq/texas_three_kick_rule/
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Bernie Sanders may be old, but he loves modern technologies such as. . .

Socialist Media.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hh8gg/bernie_sanders_may_be_old_but_he_loves_modern/
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What city would you be in if you dropped your waffle on the beach?

....Sandy ego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hh7wh/what_city_would_you_be_in_if_you_dropped_your/
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My girlfriend told me she was pregnant

Me: You gotta be joking!
Her: No, I'm serious!
Me: Hi, Serious! I'm dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hh5fo/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_was_pregnant/
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What do Marylanders call their ex-girlfriends?

Old Bay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hh54w/what_do_marylanders_call_their_exgirlfriends/
%
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat...

He sits down at a table and a waitress walks over to him to take his order.
"I'll have a 16oz Steak with all the trimmings and a bottle of champagne." he says.
The waitress nods and turns towards the ostrich, who seemed to not be quite sure where they were.
"Oh! Uh, I'll, um... I want, uh, I dunno, uuuuuuhhhhhhhhh, I'll just have what he had."
Writing down the order again she looks to the cat.
"Yeah I'll have the same. But I'm not paying for it! I won't pay a single penny." He said as he turned his nose up at her.
The waitress smiles and walks off to the kitchen. She appears again later with three huge meals and 3 bottles of champagne.
After the man and his companions had finished their meal the waitress returned to the table to ask him if there was anything else. The man said no and she went to fetch the bill.
"That'll be £164.95 please."
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out £164.95 exactly in cash and placed it in the waitress's hand.
She looked up at him in shock and asked him how he could possibly have the exact money ready for her.
"Oh thats a funny story actually, I found an old lamp the other day and a Genie popped out of it and granted me three wishes. My first wish was to always have the exact money in cash readily in my pocket whenever I needed it."
"And the second and third wishes?" Inquired the waitress.
"I wished for a dumb bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hh2v6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_ostrich_and_a_cat/
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"....

The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then asked, "So why is the groom wearing black?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hh0pk/attending_a_wedding_for_the_first_time_a_little/
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The German Coast Guard receives a distress signal from an American ship...

The American captain says "Mayday! Mayday! We're sinking! I repeat, we are sinking!"
The German Coast Guard replies "Oh that's nice, what are you sinking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hgzgc/the_german_coast_guard_receives_a_distress_signal/
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A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while,  the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hgytm/a_lion_goes_into_a_restaurant/
%
My mom never liked Bill Cosby's jokes.

She says they put her to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hgxfx/my_mom_never_liked_bill_cosbys_jokes/
%
What did the organic chemist use tinder for?

Carbon dating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hgwgr/what_did_the_organic_chemist_use_tinder_for/
%
What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types to which the saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
*BONUS*
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hgtmk/what_religion_is_your_bra/
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Father’s brutal honesty

I took my 66 year old father to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. After shopping we decided to grab a bite at the food court where I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
“What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response. In classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid :
“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hgqcw/fathers_brutal_honesty/
%
Why did the feminist fail algebra?

She couldn't solve inequalities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hgj29/why_did_the_feminist_fail_algebra/
%
Why do black people have white on their palms?

There's a little bit of good in everybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hggw9/why_do_black_people_have_white_on_their_palms/
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A dog applies for a job as an accountant...

So a dog goes in for an interview at an accountant's.  Unfortunately the manager HATES dogs for some obscure reason from his youth.
Anyways, the manager tells the dog that it's got to pass three tests, else it can't be hired.
"First, you've got to be good with computers."
The dog immediately gets up onto the computer and displays his amazing prowess at both MYOB and Xero.
The manger, getting angry now, says "Well, secondly you've also got to be able to sort paper work!"
Swiftly the dog bounds along to the filing cabinet and sorts out the disorganized hell that is the firm's paperwork.
The manager, starting to get quite flustered at this point, splurts out "Well, you've also um... You've also got to be bilingual!"
The dog replies, "Meow".
- Credit to a friend from my Scouting days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hggla/a_dog_applies_for_a_job_as_an_accountant/
%
An elderly man in Louisiana ...

... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hgcsm/an_elderly_man_in_louisiana/
%
The BOSS hangs a Poster in his Office

"I'M THE BOSS, DON'T  YOU FORGET IT AND REMAIN IN YOUR LIMITS "
He returns from lunch and finds a slip on his desk:
"Your Wife called, screaming and pissed off... She said she wants her Poster back at HOME..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hgclh/the_boss_hangs_a_poster_in_his_office/
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I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...

On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hg8rt/im_starting_to_get_selfconscious_about_my_body/
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In the World of Punctuation, Asterisks give a party...

In the World of Punctuation, Asterisks give a party.
The party is for Asterisks only, and only Asterisks can enter.
At some time the doorbell rings. One Asterisk opens the door and sees a Dot.
The Asterisk says to the Dot:
"I'm sorry, you cannot enter, this party is for Asterisks only"
And the Dot says: "idiot, it's me! I put gel in my hair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hg74q/in_the_world_of_punctuation_asterisks_give_a_party/
%
I thought the recipe was for making margarine, however,

it churned out to be butter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hfyu3/i_thought_the_recipe_was_for_making_margarine/
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If at first you don't succeed..

Then that's it for skydiving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hfso8/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
%
Every N.W.A song

Verse 1: Sellin' crack rocks and shootin' muthafuckas!
Verse 2: Police pull me over just 'cause I'm brown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hfqdv/every_nwa_song/
%
I really like ethnic foods, but the one type of asian cuisine I haven't had is North Korean food.

Then again, neither have citizens of North Korea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hfpn3/i_really_like_ethnic_foods_but_the_one_type_of/
%
I ejaculated six feet earlier.

Strange, usually I ejaculate semen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hfoz7/i_ejaculated_six_feet_earlier/
%
A middle-aged teacher named Mrs. Jackson saw one of her first grade boys making rude faces at the preschoolers on the playground

She said "You know, Liam, when I was a little girl I was told that if I made ugly faces it might freeze and stay like that."
Liam replied "Well sorry Mrs. Jackson, but you can't say you weren't warned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hfoli/a_middleaged_teacher_named_mrs_jackson_saw_one_of/
%
What's the difference between U and I?

J

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hfmft/whats_the_difference_between_u_and_i/
%
I dig.

You dig.
We dig.
They dig.
He dig.
She dig.
Now it's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hfksx/i_dig/
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[OC] What color is someone's aura when they're about to die?

Cyan Aura

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hfjkd/oc_what_color_is_someones_aura_when_theyre_about/
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What do you call a female dog with a PH level above 7?

A basic bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hffrr/what_do_you_call_a_female_dog_with_a_ph_level/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hff8c/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Mexican word of the day

: Chicken Wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing some money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hfcm2/mexican_word_of_the_day/
%
I saw a "Muslim" Bookstore today and I walked in.

As I was wandering around to take a look, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hfaar/i_saw_a_muslim_bookstore_today_and_i_walked_in/
%
Pizza joke?

Forget it, it's too cheesy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hf99s/pizza_joke/
%
i type everything in lower case

because i don't give a shift

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hf8yi/i_type_everything_in_lower_case/
%
What does Vladimir Putin call a waterslide made from the tears of Western Europeans?

Crimea River.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hf3i8/what_does_vladimir_putin_call_a_waterslide_made/
%
I once told a guy I was going to attack him with the neck of a guitar...

The guy said, "IS THAT A FRET?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hf3ch/i_once_told_a_guy_i_was_going_to_attack_him_with/
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A man and wife are happily married...

...for several years, over which time they have a couple of children and life seems peachy.
In a relationship that is nigh on perfect, the only potential issue the wife can find with it is that her husband always always ALWAYS insists that they make love in the dark. All lights off, curtains drawn, pitch black, or no hanky panky. But the sex is good and his dick is big so, whatever, she can deal with it.
Until one night, as they're at it and she's thrashing around in the throes of passion, she accidentally hits the bedside lamp and the light comes on.
And her husband is lying there in bed, clutching a dildo.
'You utter bastard!', she screams. 'How could you have deceived me for all these years?!'
Completely unfazed, the husband looks his wife directly in the eye and says:
'Honey, I'll explain this, if you can explain the kids.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hf2xn/a_man_and_wife_are_happily_married/
%
The best invention ever are in fact window blinds

Otherwise, it would have been curtains for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3heyo6/the_best_invention_ever_are_in_fact_window_blinds/
%
It's long, but it's worth it.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, and Patrick had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”
The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off.
So I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell—but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Patrick, and he let the man in.
The second man comes up and Patrick explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. “It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved! But then he started beating on me and kicking me. I managed to hold on until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but okay. Just when I was thinking I was going to be all right, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me, killing me instantly. And, now I’m here.”
Once again, Patrick had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Patrick explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
“OK, picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator....”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hewet/its_long_but_its_worth_it/
%
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW?
YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hesyt/how_many_vietnam_vets_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Why were the Boston Marathon Bombings worse than Hitler? (OFFENSIVE)

Because they actually managed to end a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3heq99/why_were_the_boston_marathon_bombings_worse_than/
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Theory and Reality

A boy comes home from school one day and asks his father for help with his homework.
"I have to write a paper on the difference between theory and reality and I don't know where to start"
The father responds "Alright son, I want you to go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars."
The son runs upstairs, and in a few minutes, returns.
"Mom said yes she would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars"
The father replies "Good. Now I want you to go ask your sister the same question.
The boy runs off and returns again a few moments later.
"Sister said she would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars too."
The father says "Son, in theory, we're sitting on 2 million dollars. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3heom7/theory_and_reality/
%
Honda made a car called the CRX before. Now they make one called the CRZ.

They skipped the one in the middle because the prototype was so bad, it made them CRY.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3henyw/honda_made_a_car_called_the_crx_before_now_they/
%
I told my wife I am sending her a dick pic...

She said " I don't want your junk mail!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hejr9/i_told_my_wife_i_am_sending_her_a_dick_pic/
%
What do you call a 5 year old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor
I'm sorry....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3heg1m/what_do_you_call_a_5_year_old_with_no_friends/
%
Why Does the Pope wear Boxers?

He doesn't want to look down on the unemployed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3he3me/why_does_the_pope_wear_boxers/
%
So, they're going to combine Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter into one website.

It's going to be called "YouTwitFace".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3he3cn/so_theyre_going_to_combine_facebook_youtube_and/
%
Whats a ducks favourite type of sex? [OC]

Pondage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdy7v/whats_a_ducks_favourite_type_of_sex_oc/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdvyc/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
Three guys arrive at the pearly gates...

St. Peter says "OK, we've kind of streamlined the entry process here. I'm going to ask you a single question, and if you answer it correctly you will be admitted into heaven." He turns to the first guy and says "What is Easter?" The guy says "Easter, huh? Let me see... Isn't there a tree involved? Sure, and we decorate the tree and put presents under it and sing ca-" POOF! The man vanishes, leaving behind a faint scent of brimstone. St. Peter moves on to the second man and asks the same question. "Easter!" the man says, "Sure, I know what that is. That's where we all dress up like ghouls and goblins, and then we go from door to d-" POOF! He's gone. St. Peter points to the last guy, saying "You! Easter!" The last guy says "Well, Jesus dies and they put him in the tomb..." St. Peter says, "And then?" "And he's there for three days and then he comes out..." St. Peter says, "Go on." The guy thinks for a minute. "And if he sees his shadow..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdupt/three_guys_arrive_at_the_pearly_gates/
%
So I went to a zoo today...

But it only had one small dog. It was a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdrt1/so_i_went_to_a_zoo_today/
%
Hundreds of women are battered in the US every day

And all this time I've just been eating them raw...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdrn3/hundreds_of_women_are_battered_in_the_us_every_day/
%
A drunk walks into the doctors office.

So this drunk goes to the doctor's office and says "Doc, I had a rough one last night. Got blackout drunk, broke into the Zoo and I think I got fucked by an elephant."
Doctor says, "why do you say that?" The drunk drops his pants and says, "well just look at my asshole" Doc can see it is stretched out to the size of a hub cap.
Doctor says, "that's horrible. But I don't think and elephant could have done that. You see, an elephant"s penis is actually long and skinny"
The drunk replies, "Yeah doc, I know. But I think he fingered me first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdppy/a_drunk_walks_into_the_doctors_office/
%
A psychiatrist is checking on his patients

He enters the room full of his insane patients, he finds them all jumping together and saying "yay we're popcorn!!"
He finds one patient sitting on the ground by himself. "You seem sane." He says to the patient.
The patient replies "No, i sticked to the pot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdoo8/a_psychiatrist_is_checking_on_his_patients/
%
What do runners eat before a race?

Nothing. They fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdo97/what_do_runners_eat_before_a_race/
%
Why don't feminists carry handguns?

Because of the triggers.
I'm sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdnu9/why_dont_feminists_carry_handguns/
%
What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdlsl/what_do_lawyers_wear_to_court/
%
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkeys. I thought she was kidding...

...and then I saw her face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdigs/my_wife_said_she_was_leaving_me_because_of_my/
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What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do?

Wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdif0/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_thinks_she_can_do/
%
Al Gore started his own band!

They call themselves The Algorythms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdh60/al_gore_started_his_own_band/
%
How does a ghost eat a hotdog?

By goblin it.
Sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hde1q/how_does_a_ghost_eat_a_hotdog/
%
Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest.

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest, on her way to Grandmother's house.
She skips down the path for a while, and as she turns down a bend she sees the Big Bad Wolf sitting by a tree.
"What big ears you have, Mr. Wolf!" Little Red Riding Hood exclaims.
The wolf gets up and runs away.
She continues down the path for a while and again sees the Big Bad Wolf, this time sitting next to a large rock.
"What big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf!" She says.
Again, the wolf gets up and runs away.
Red Riding Hood shrugs it off and continues on her merry way. A bit further down the path, once more she sees the Big Bad Wolf. This time he's sitting next to a fallen log.
"What big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf!" says Little Red.
The Big Bad Wolf howls in frustration and shouts "FUCK OFF KID, I'M TRYING TO TAKE A SHIT!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdc6h/little_red_riding_hood_is_walking_through_the/
%
A man goes to the doctor

and says "Doctor! I've broken my arm in several places!"
The Doctor looks at him like he's an idiot and says "Well then, don't go to those places..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdaml/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
Why do cowboys like dachshunds so much?

They like to get a long little doggie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hd9nx/why_do_cowboys_like_dachshunds_so_much/
%
A woman goes to buy some ice cream

A woman walks into an ice cream parlor looking to buy a few gallons of ice cream for her child's upcoming birthday party.  She walks up to the man behind the counter and begins giving her order,  "I want 2 gallons of chocolate, 1 gallon of vanilla, and 1 gallon of strawberry".  The gentleman behind the counter quickly apologizes and says "I'm sorry ma'am, but we are completely out of chocolate ice cream...is there anything else you might like instead?"  The woman quickly interjects "Yeah yeah fine, I'll have 1 gallon of chocolate, 2 gallons of vanilla, and 1 gallon of strawberry.  The man looks at the customer a bit bewildered and again states "I'm very sorry, but we don't have anymore chocolate ice cream.  We ran out earlier today."  Without hesitation, the woman says "Fine, I'll have 3 gallons of chocolate, 1 gallon of vanilla, and 2 gallons of strawberry."
The man sighs deeply and and says "Ma'am, can you spell the straw in strawberry?"  The woman responds "S-T-R-A-W".  "Very good, now can you spell the van in vanilla?"  She nods and says "V-A-N".  "Wonderful!...now can you spell the fuck in chocolate?"  The woman thinks to herself for a moment and quite irritated replies "There is no fuck in chocolate!".  The man responds immediately, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hd3ya/a_woman_goes_to_buy_some_ice_cream/
%
Why did the chicken double-cross the road?

To change sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hd2p0/why_did_the_chicken_doublecross_the_road/
%
Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the dessert, don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"
"Pepe ... ees not a bacon tree ... Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hcy2p/bacon_tree/
%
A Rabbi, a lawyer, and a Priest are on a sinking ship. The Rabbi says, "Save the children!" The lawyer says "Fuck the children!" ...

The Priest says, "Do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hct7s/a_rabbi_a_lawyer_and_a_priest_are_on_a_sinking/
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An Ild lady decides she has lived enough

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hcqf5/an_ild_lady_decides_she_has_lived_enough/
%
Mmmm... Grass

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hcq2t/mmmm_grass/
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Jamaica

Guy goes to Jamaica on a business trip.  Upon landing in the airport, he realizes he has to go to the bathroom.
He goes in and see this tall Jamaican man using the stall next to him.  Not being able to help himself, he glances over at the man's penis and sees "WELMAN" tattooed on it.
The business man finishes up, washes his hands, and goes outside the bathroom door.
When the Jamaican man comes out he walks up to him and says, "Sir I'm sorry for looking in the bathroom and I just have to know, what does WELMON mean?  Is it a native thing?"
The Jamaican man replies, "No, mon.  I'm just having a bad day.  It actually says 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hcp92/jamaica/
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Johnny Sees London, Johnny Sees France

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hcluw/johnny_sees_london_johnny_sees_france/
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In North Korea, you actually do get freedom of speech.

Just not freedom *after* your speech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hcljl/in_north_korea_you_actually_do_get_freedom_of/
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Hey mind if I try some of your chloroform?

Sure knock yourself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hcixv/hey_mind_if_i_try_some_of_your_chloroform/
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That's My Chicken

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.
The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hcif4/thats_my_chicken/
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The Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hcg5m/the_prescription/
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Apparently they're making a Middle Eastern version of 'The Flintstones'...

...and while Dubai doesn't like it, Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hcg2h/apparently_theyre_making_a_middle_eastern_version/
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.  The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.  The lawyer asks the first question.  "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.  "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"  The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.  He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.  The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.  The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"  Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hcfig/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer_are_seated_next_to_each/
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My Sight

A 90 year-old man who had played golf every day since his retirement 35 years before, arrived home furious and said to his wife, "That's it! I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and say, "Why don't you take your old mate Kevin, and give it one more try."
"That's no good" he said. "Kevin's 103. He can't help."
"He may be a 103, but his eyesight is perfect," replied the wife.
The next day, he took Kevin to the golf course. He tees, takes a mighty swing and squint down the fairway, then turned to Kevin and said, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did" replied Kevin. " I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" he asked.
"Where did what go?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hccaw/my_sight/
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My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall...

... I said maybe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hc85x/my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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You know what most people hate about ambiguity?

Stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hc7ji/you_know_what_most_people_hate_about_ambiguity/
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A pregnant woman

from Washington D.C., gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins: a boy and a girl! Your brother from Maryland came in and named them"
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother! He's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise." replied the doctor.
"Wow that's not a bad name. I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hc5zb/a_pregnant_woman/
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What does a homeless man gets for Christmas?

A cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hc3qj/what_does_a_homeless_man_gets_for_christmas/
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How to milk a cow

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.
"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters.
"Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbzt3/how_to_milk_a_cow/
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Mickey Mouse and Minnie are in divorce court...

The judge asks, "So what's going on Mickey, is she just crazy or something?"
Mickey replies, "No, your Honor. She's fucking Goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbyo0/mickey_mouse_and_minnie_are_in_divorce_court/
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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings."
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair.
"Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
And the idiot went to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbxbb/three_men_a_philosopher_a_mathematician_and_an/
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3 Men in a Bar

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbud8/3_men_in_a_bar/
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What goes: Click. "Did I get it?" Click. "Did I get it?"

Stevie Wonder solving a Rubik's Cube.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbs52/what_goes_click_did_i_get_it_click_did_i_get_it/
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What's worse than a chauvinist man?

A woman who doesn't know her place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbrrk/whats_worse_than_a_chauvinist_man/
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I didn’t find the food in Budapest very filling,

so I left Hungary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbqkl/i_didnt_find_the_food_in_budapest_very_filling/
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An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard...

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbpmv/an_old_tiredlooking_dog_wanders_into_a_guys_yard/
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What do you call the sweat on the bodies of two people having sex in West Virginia?

Relative Humidity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbo4d/what_do_you_call_the_sweat_on_the_bodies_of_two/
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Drums good. Drums stop, bad.

A rich businessman is reading the newspaper one day, and stumbles across an article about North Sentinel Island and the indigenous people there who are virtually untouched by modern civilization. He decides on the spot, that he must see them for himself, however it is illegal to travel there. No matter, he has his assistant do some research, and sure enough there is an illegal charter he can take to the island, with a tour guide who promises to bring him to see the Sentinelese for the right price.
He lines up the trip, and the next month he and his tour guide make land on North Sentinel Island under the cover of night.
The first thing he notices is that off in the distance the sound of drums fills the night air. Intrigued and excited to be one of the few people in the world to have heard such drumming, he asks, "What are the drums we are hearing? Is it some kind of ceremony?"
The tour guide, looking startled turns around as says, "Drums good. Drums stop, bad." and continues into the jungle.
They travel inland for miles, the drums getting louder and louder all the time, and finally as the sun is beginning to set - stop to make camp. At this point, the drumming has gone on non-stop for 12 hours and is loud enough that they need to raise their voices to communicate.
The businessman, getting annoyed, says to his guide, "This is getting ridiculous! Do they ever stop that blasted drumming?!"
The tour guide, looks at the businessman with a serious expression and again says, "Drums good. Drums stop, bad."
The businessman does his best to sleep through the noise, but his head is splitting from a headache and he is barely able to get any rest. They pack up their things in the morning and head off, again deeper into the jungle - the noise from the drumming getting louder and louder with every step.
Finally, the businessman can take it no more. He reaches forward and grabs his guide by the shoulder and spins him around. Screaming to be heard over the drums, he asks, "What is with these god damn drums? Don't tell me 'Drums good. Drums stop, bad.' again! I want to know what happens if the god damn drums stop!"
The guide, pauses and looks at him with fear in his eyes.
"Drums stop, bass solo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbnzk/drums_good_drums_stop_bad/
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What's the difference between a terrorist and a civilian?

I don't know man, I just fly the drones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbnmj/whats_the_difference_between_a_terrorist_and_a/
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What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew?

Harry Potter escaped the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbmrp/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_a/
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Serial killer joke

I was once interrogated a egotistical serial killer who preyed on women. I asked him, "what makes you think you're such a hit with women?" He looked at me and calmly said, "Well I take their breath away don't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hblt4/serial_killer_joke/
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What do you call repetitive diarrhea?

Re-runs. (ba-dum, tss)
It's just the same shit over and over again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbki8/what_do_you_call_repetitive_diarrhea/
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Learning to play the bass

Little Bobby Tavoli came to his father one day and said, "Father, I want to learn how to play the bass."
Having been burned before when Little Bobby decided he wanted to learn something and then quit, Papa Tavoli replied, "That's fine Little Bobby, but you have to stick to it this time. After each lesson, I want you to show me what you've learned. I want to see that you can commit to practicing."
Little Bobby agreed, and they went to the store and purchased a bass, amp and cable and found a flier for a local bass instructor. Saturday morning, Little Bobby packed up his bass and went off to his first lesson.
Upon returning home, Papa Tavoli stopped him and asked, "What did you learn at your lesson this week?"
Little Bobby removed his bass from his gig-bag and said, "I learned the E string." He plucked the lowest string a few times and said "E. E. E."
Papa Tavoli, pleased with the results sent Little Bobby off to practice for his next lesson.
The following Saturday, Little Bobby scurried off eagerly to meet with his instructor. Again, as he walked in the door, his father stopped him and asked Little Bobby to show him what he had learned.
Little Bobby once again removed his bass from the gig-bag and said, "This week we learned quarter notes." He plucked the E string four times, keeping fairly good time and saying "1. 2. 3. 4."
Excited about his son's progress, Papa Tavoli patted Little Bobby on the back and sent him to continue his studies.
On the third Saturday, Little Bobby was up early practicing his E string and quarter notes and then left for his lesson without so much as a goodbye. When he returned an hour later, Papa Tavoli stopped him again, and said "Little Bobby, show me what you..."
But Little Bobby interrupted him and said, "Sorry Dad, no time to talk. I've got a gig, gotta go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbjjz/learning_to_play_the_bass/
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How can you tell when the stage is level?

The drummer is drooling equally from both sides of his mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbhzl/how_can_you_tell_when_the_stage_is_level/
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My English teacher corrected my Grammer.

One day during the lecture our English teacher told us things are not "hard", infact they are "difficult". She gave me the most difficult boner that day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbh6f/my_english_teacher_corrected_my_grammer/
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A toothless termite walked into a tavern

...  and said: "Is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbfgd/a_toothless_termite_walked_into_a_tavern/
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Whats the problem with feminist picnics ?

None of them make the sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbf0v/whats_the_problem_with_feminist_picnics/
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What do you call two detectives tracking down a ghost?

Pair-a-normal investigators.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hbe2u/what_do_you_call_two_detectives_tracking_down_a/
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My wife said to me she wanted to go somewhere fancy....

"somewhere where they serve from the left!" she demanded, so I took her through the drive-thu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hba4d/my_wife_said_to_me_she_wanted_to_go_somewhere/
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How did the hipster burn his tounge?

He bit into his flat bread before it was cool!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hba10/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tounge/
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If I had a nickel for every time I jerked off...

I'd be a jizzillionaire!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hb9mc/if_i_had_a_nickel_for_every_time_i_jerked_off/
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A hunchback kid came home from school crying

Mom: why you cry son
Kid: kids at school telling me "fu***ng hunchback"
Mom: let's enroll you at karate school so you can beat them up
*kid enrolls at karate school*
- A MONTH LATER -
*kid still came home from school crying*
Mom: why you cry son
Kid: they still bully me even after kicking their asses
Mom: were they still saying "fu***ng hunchback"
Kid: no
Mom: then what
Kid: "fu***ng ninja turtle"
well, I tried

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hb9l8/a_hunchback_kid_came_home_from_school_crying/
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Sometimes I wonder if the entire world is full of defensive, conceited douchebags who can't laugh at themselves...

Then I read some Reddit comments and I'm almost certain of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hb78i/sometimes_i_wonder_if_the_entire_world_is_full_of/
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Timmy was staying at his grandparents house

for week during summer vacation.
One day his grandpa is smoking cigar, Timmy asked his grandpa can I try one. Grandpa asked does your dick reach all the way to your asshole? Timmy shook  his head and said No. Then you can't smoke one said his grandpa.
Couple of days later his grandpa was drinking beer in evening while watching TV. Timmy walked up to his grandpa and asked grandpa can I try some beer? His grandpa asked him again, does your dick reaches all the way to your asshole? Timmy sadly shook his head and said nope not yet. Then you can't have any beer his grandpa replied.
In the weekend, grandma baked some cookies for Timmy. Timmy was eating those cookies and grandpa walked in kitchen. Grandpa tells Timmy, let me get one of those cookies. Timmy asked grandpa does your dick reaches all the way to your asshole? Grandpa said "of course it reaches my asshole"
Timmy said "Then go FUCK yourself!!!"
----------------------------------------------------Sorry, if the grammar and format is bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hb50h/timmy_was_staying_at_his_grandparents_house/
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What do we want? Race car noises! When do we want them?

Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hb1nl/what_do_we_want_race_car_noises_when_do_we_want/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Tied up in a sack and thrown on the back of a donkey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hb0o2/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A timeless, Irish classic.

About twenty years ago, the Irish government decided to set up a secret service, much like MI5 in the UK. The three best Gardai (Irish police officers) were selected to participate in a number of tests in order to determine who would receive the coveted title of 001.
The three Gardai, each representing the various characteristics of most police officers were Garda Murphy from Cork, Garda Ryan from Dublin and Garda O'Sullivan from Kerry. Murphy, being a Cork man, was very agreeable, a sound man altogether. Garda Ryan was stern, by the book and extremely literal when it came to the details. Garda O'Sullivan was a Kerry man, and represented all that is wrong with police officers; idiotic and with a disturbing lack of foresight.
So the day of the final test arrives, and the three participants are lined up outside a room and handed a gun each. They are told that they must enter the room and shoot whoever is sitting in the chair in order to pass the final test.
Garda Murphy from Cork is first to go in, and shutting the door behind him, he sees his very own wife sitting in the chair. Without any thought, he unties her and walks out a separate door, failing the test. "Unfortunately Garda Murphy, you have failed the test. The gun is loaded with blanks. We would never have made you kill Mrs. Murphy." Garda Murphy walks out.
Garda Ryan from Dublin is next. He takes the gun and enters the room. After some quick deliberation, he sighs, cocks the handgun and fires at his wife. Understandably, he leaves the room with his wife quite upset, but satisfied in the knowledge that he has passed the test. "Congratulations, Garda Ryan. You're surely in the running for 001."
Finally, the intellectually challenged Garda O'Sullivan from Kerry enters. He takes the gun and enters the room. Lo, Mrs. O'Sullivan is sat in the centre of the room.
Twenty minutes later, Garda O'Sullivan exits the room with his bloodied and deceased wife.
"Lads, some stupid cunt filled the gun with blanks so I had to beat her to death with the fuckin' chair!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3haywr/a_timeless_irish_classic/
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Have you heard about the movie called 'Constipation'...?

No?
That's because it hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hat21/have_you_heard_about_the_movie_called_constipation/
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Why was 110 afraid of 111?

Because 111 1000 1001

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3haryq/why_was_110_afraid_of_111/
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Jesus is at the last supper with his disciples,

And at the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,
"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."
He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,
"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."
Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,
"You can fuck right off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3harjv/jesus_is_at_the_last_supper_with_his_disciples/
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An Australian citrus farmer stores his family's urine for his trees

He does this to produce juicier fruit.
One morning he noticed 80% of his urine supply had gone missing. He tried to claim the loss on his insurance. The claim was rejected because they thought he was taking the piss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hap7p/an_australian_citrus_farmer_stores_his_familys/
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3 Lazy Cats

So on one summer day 3 neighborhood cats gather in the alley to determine who's the laziest among them all. This first proudly begins speaking, "Well the other day my old man poured a whole bowl of milk for me. Stuck my face in there and all there was left for me to do is stick my tongue out... But no, I was too lazy." "Eh, that's nothing!" Begins another cat, "I was in the shed the other day and an entire family of mice was in front of me. Literally under my nose. All I had to do is snatch my paw to get one, but no I was too lazy." "No fellas," begins the third cat, "the laziest among us is I. You all heard the loud scream yesterday?" He asks, "oh yeah!" The first cat says, "lasted half an hour" the 2nd cat confirms, "well..." The third cat continues, "that was me. Sat on my own balls by accident and was too lazy to get off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3haj8o/3_lazy_cats/
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An American scientist goes to a village in Turkey for a conference...

The villagers want to get a gift for the American for his departure, but there’s a dispute on what to buy him.
Eventually they agree to hold a village meeting.
Weird suggestions are made:
-We should give him a bucket of hamsi (fish)… Whenever he eats he should remember us.
-Let’s make him a packet of out famous butter…
Then the man who called the meeting, Dursun, turned and said to the crowd.
-No! It shouldn’t be something that’ll last a day or two. We need to give him such a gift, whereby whenever he puts it in his hand he’ll remember us!
Temel stood up from the crowd and exclaimed:
-Let’s circumcise him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3habrk/an_american_scientist_goes_to_a_village_in_turkey/
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What do you call a loaf of grumpy bread?

Sourdough!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3haakr/what_do_you_call_a_loaf_of_grumpy_bread/
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Why did 10 die?

He was in the middle of 9/11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3haaho/why_did_10_die/
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How to deal with an anthill

Next time you have an anthill problem, here is what you do;
Grab yourself a can of black spray paint and cover the entire anthill in it. Then grab a stick or something of the sort and stir the paint in. Once all the ants realize they now live in a black neighborhood, they stop working and start shooting each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ha9mr/how_to_deal_with_an_anthill/
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I approached the grieving widow at the funeral.

"Tell me my dear, what were his final words?"
She sniffled and feebly replied.
"You don't scare me with that gun Martha, you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ha2hl/i_approached_the_grieving_widow_at_the_funeral/
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What did the 0 say to the 8?

"Hey, nice belt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h9ufy/what_did_the_0_say_to_the_8/
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I was Going to tell a Racist Joke...

But then my black friend stole them all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h9puy/i_was_going_to_tell_a_racist_joke/
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My girlfriend has a poop fetish NSFW

I always give her shit for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h9l5s/my_girlfriend_has_a_poop_fetish_nsfw/
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[NSFW] What did the sperm say to the egg?

Cum with me if you want to live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h9kk4/nsfw_what_did_the_sperm_say_to_the_egg/
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A Canadian version of Breaking Bad is in the works

It'll be one episode long. Walt is diagnosed with cancer and receives treatment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h9k23/a_canadian_version_of_breaking_bad_is_in_the_works/
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The First Smartwatch (long)

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.
"Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city." The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.  "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far," says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.  Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.  Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch.  They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake to the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.  "Don't forget your batteries."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h9jpv/the_first_smartwatch_long/
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Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h9j5j/bad_parrot/
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What is the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

You can just drop her off anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h9bpt/what_is_the_best_thing_about_dating_a_homeless/
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Which side of the goose has the most feathers?

The outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h9b6f/which_side_of_the_goose_has_the_most_feathers/
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Where does a Sith Lord do their shopping?

The Maul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h99jz/where_does_a_sith_lord_do_their_shopping/
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There are 10 types of people in this world

, those that understand hexadecimal, F the rest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h98u7/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.

He goes home sober.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h97yf/a_depressed_storm_trooper_goes_to_the_bar_for/
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A fly on the river (bit lengthy, bit racy)

First post here. This is the only joke I know...bear with me as its a bit lengthy.
There was a fly buzzing along a river near the shore, exactly 3 inches above the water. It was preparing to descend onto the surface of the river when a fish happened to notice it.  The fish thinks to itself, "when this fly drops 3 inches to the surface of the water, I'm going to jump out and eat the fly." Now, unbeknownst to the fish was a bear sitting under the trees on the riverbank.  The bear also notices and fly as well as the fish and thinks to himself, "when this fly drops 3 inches, the fish is going to come to the surface of the water and I'm going to grab it." The next character in our story is a hunter who is sitting a bit further back in the woods from the water. The hunter too sees all this unfolds and says to himself, "when the fly drops, the fish will surface, and the bear will step out in the open to get the fish. that's when ill make my move and shoot the bear." Now the hunter, he happens to be eating a cheese sandwich. We'll say its cheddar cheese.  In a nearby bush is a mouse who also sees all of this unfolding. The mouse concludes that when the hunter attempts to shoot the bear, he must drop his cheese sandwich to do so.  Thus the mouse thinks,"when the hunter drops the cheese sandwich, I'll scurry out and grab it!" And finally the last participant in our story is a cat who is crouching gracefully high in a tree above all of this. The cat thinks,"when the fly drops 3 inches, the fish will come to the surface, the bear will step out to the get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will run to grab the cheese sandwich, and I will pounce on the mouse!"  All of this happens in an instance - The fly drops 3 inches, the fish eats the fly, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter drops the cheese sandwich and shoots the bear, the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich, BUT the cat pounces completely missing the mouse and lands SPLASH in the river. What is the moral of this story?
[When the fly drops 3 inches, the pussy gets wet.](/spoiler)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h94uj/a_fly_on_the_river_bit_lengthy_bit_racy/
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A man and his wife go to a class reunion.....

A man and his wife go to a class reunion after a grueling 4 hour drive. When they arrive they're given name tags and head to the gymnasium.
They start talking to some friends when the wife is starting to get thirsty. So she asks the husband to go get in line to give her some punch.
He returns after 10 minutes with one empty cup, and when the wife asks about her drink the husband replies,
"Sorry honey, the punchline was too long and it wasn't worth it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h8w44/a_man_and_his_wife_go_to_a_class_reunion/
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A lady sat in a restaurant waiting for her date to arrive...

Suddenly, she let one rip.  The whole restaurant heard and turned to look at her.
Embarrassed, the lady said to the waiter "stop that!"
He said "Sure, lady.  Which way was it heading?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h8vpg/a_lady_sat_in_a_restaurant_waiting_for_her_date/
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LPT: If you accidentally get your phone wet, leave it inside a bag of rice overnight.

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will come and fix your phone for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h8vgq/lpt_if_you_accidentally_get_your_phone_wet_leave/
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Is it rude to go up to someone with an eyepatch and say

"Was it all fun and games up until that point?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h8tyl/is_it_rude_to_go_up_to_someone_with_an_eyepatch/
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My girlfriend caught me masturbating to porn on my phone...

She looked at me seductively and asked if she could help. I said sure, could you hold my phone?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h8jbf/my_girlfriend_caught_me_masturbating_to_porn_on/
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A DEA Officer stopped at a ranch...

in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there!", as he pointed to the location. The DEA then exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pant pockets, the officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fuckin badge? This badge means I am allowed to go where ever I wish on any land! No questions asked or answers gien. Have I made myself clear?" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard a loud scream, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life and behind the officer was a bull chasing him. With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer. The officer looked clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs, "YOUR BADGE!! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h8i2i/a_dea_officer_stopped_at_a_ranch/
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What do you get when you cross a rooster with a PB&J.

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Shout out to Roosterteeth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h8dp7/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_rooster_with_a/
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What's an author's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h8da1/whats_an_authors_favorite_drink/
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Sometimes I just tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

That's just how I roll

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h8bjx/sometimes_i_just_tuck_my_knees_into_my_chest_and/
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An old man and his grandson (possibly NSFW)

An old man was hanging out with his grandson.
"Boy, the economy's gone to hell lately," the old man exclaimed.
The grandson replied "Pfff. Tell me something I don't know."
The old man thought for a second, and said "Your grandma can take a fist in the ass all the way to the elbow."
I believe that this was told by Lemmy Kilmister originally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h8au4/an_old_man_and_his_grandson_possibly_nsfw/
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Breast Cancer Awareness Hotline

I called the hotline for information about breast self-examination. I got a recording that said "Press one to continue.....OK, now press the other one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h8aod/breast_cancer_awareness_hotline/
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Oversmart

A famous art collector is walking through Greenwich Village when he notices a mangy old cat lapping milk from a saucer in front of a store. And the collector does a double take when he sees the saucer. He knows it's very old and very valuable.
So he saunters casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
But the store owner says to him, 'I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.'
And the collector says, 'Please. I need a hungry old tomcat around the house to catch mice. I'll give you ten dollars for him.'
And the owner says, 'Sold,' and takes the ten dollars.
Then the collector says, 'Listen, I was wondering if, for the ten dollars, you might include that old saucer. The cat seems to be used to it. It'll save me a dish.'
And the owner says, 'Sorry, buddy. That's my lucky saucer. So far this week, I've sold sixty-eight cats!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h88is/oversmart/
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Redneck boy meets his dream girl!

A young boy comes home to his father one day after school.
"Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today.  She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny."
Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son.  I'm proud of you for finding someone you like so much."
"That's not the best part, Dad.  She's a VIRGIN."
At this point the father slams his hand down on the counter, "I forbid this relationship, son.  I never want you to see this girl again.  And if I find out you do, I'm going to give you the biggest whooping you ever had."
Tears stream down the son's face, "But, Dad, WHY?  She's amazing and she likes me!"
"Well, son.  If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h84ir/redneck_boy_meets_his_dream_girl/
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What's the difference between a hippie chick and a pizza?

I don't peel the crust off of a pizza before I eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7zsv/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippie_chick_and_a/
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I used to have an invisible pencil

I really didn't see the point of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7yed/i_used_to_have_an_invisible_pencil/
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How to catch a bear.

Dig a deep hole, fill it with twigs and other pieces of firewood, and burn the wood. When the wood is all good and burned, cover the hole with some sort of coverage, and open a can of vegetables, like peas and place the peas all around the entrance to the hole. Hide somewhere downwind of the hole
When the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7xfs/how_to_catch_a_bear/
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A driver gets pulled over for improper use of a carpool lane..

Cop: "Carpool lane is 2 or more passengers and I don't see your second passenger."
Driver: "well I'm just beside myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7wl5/a_driver_gets_pulled_over_for_improper_use_of_a/
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What do you say when you cross a donkey and a deer?

Dat ass doe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7voc/what_do_you_say_when_you_cross_a_donkey_and_a_deer/
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As a guitarist, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7tfr/as_a_guitarist_i_play_many_gigs/
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Irishman's Blacksmith Interview

An Irishman goes for an interview to be a blacksmith.
At the interview he's asked '..so Paddy have you ever shoed a horse before?..'
To which Paddy replies '..no, but once I told a donkey to fuck off..'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7t7f/irishmans_blacksmith_interview/
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Prayers

A lady was looking for a new pet since her Cockatoo died a few months back. Eventually she settles to buy a parrot and heads to an owner who had offered to sell his to her. After having her see the beautiful African Grey parrot, he told her that the bird only knew one phrase that was "I'm a prostitute". Feeling a bit shocked but still interested, she buys the parrot anyways. She told her friend about the predicament who advised her to take the African Grey to meet her two parrots who recite the lord's prayer and hold rosary beads. Maybe the other two could be a good influence. Upon arriving at her friend's house she can hear the prayer already. She puts the African Grey in the cage. "I'm a prostitute, I'm a prostitute" she calls out. One of the praying parrots looks to the other and yells, "Frank! Put the fucking beads away! Our prayers have been answered!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7shi/prayers/
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What kind of meat does the Pope eat?

Nun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7ouf/what_kind_of_meat_does_the_pope_eat/
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What's an Australian Kiss?

A French kiss down under ;)
*first post here, a coworker of mine told me the joke. Go easy :)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7mwf/whats_an_australian_kiss/
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Boy gets engaged down south

Down South, a young man falls in love, and he rushes home to tell his Pappy about his new sweetheart.
Pappy sadly shakes his head back and forth and says, "Son, I hate to tell ya, but in mah youth, I sowed mah wild oats, and that girl is yer half-sister."
Brokenhearted, the young man calls off the engagement.  Months later, he eventually finds himself another belle, and he rushes home to tell his Pappy.
Again, Pappy breaks the bad news. "Sorry son, but in mah youth, I sowed mah wild oats, and she too is yer half-sister."
Devastated, the young man walks away with tears in his eyes.  His Momma sees him and asks what's wrong.  The young man explains, "Every girl I take a fancy to, Pappy says he sowed his wild oats, and they're all mah half-sisters!"
Momma says, "You hush up and pay that fool no mind - Pappy ain't no kin o' yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7md2/boy_gets_engaged_down_south/
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"Give it to me!" My girlfriend screamed. "I'm so fucking wet right now!"

She could shout all she wanted. I wasn't handing over my umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7jha/give_it_to_me_my_girlfriend_screamed_im_so/
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A boy offers a girl $100 in exchange for sex

"Sure, why not" replies the girl.
"And what about $10?" the boy asks.
"Are you crazy? What do you think I am?"
"I already know what you are, now we're just discussing the price."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7j93/a_boy_offers_a_girl_100_in_exchange_for_sex/
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What do you use to transport pittas?

A flatbread truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7ijk/what_do_you_use_to_transport_pittas/
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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He goes up to the bartender and puts the octopus on the bar. The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 that this octopus can play any instrument in the bar."
The bartender points to a piano in the corner and says, "Alright, let's hear it." So, the man puts the octopus in front of the piano and it gets fancy, starts playing some Beethoven, then Piano Man to get the crowd really going. After a raucous applause from the bar the man goes to the bar tender with his hand extended.
The bartender says, "Wait, a sec." He goes to the back and comes out with a guitar that he hands to the octopus. The octopus tunes it a little bit, gives a strum, and then really takes it away with some Freebird. The crowd loves it. The man walks up to the bartender and says, "Alright the crowd loves him you gotta pay up!"
The bartender says to him, "Hold on, let me get another." He goes to the back, comes out with a clarinet, and hands it to the octopus.
The octopus grabs it and sloppily puts it in its mouth then begins to play. It gets through it but not too well and this makes the man nervous. He goes up to the bartender and demands his winnings.
"Hold on," says the bartender, "one more, I promise!"
He goes to the back and comes out with bagpipes, then hands it to the octopus.
The octopus looks at them for a second, begins to wrap it's tentacles all around the bagpipes, and squeezes making the bagpipes wheeze.
The man goes up to the octopus and nervously says, "Well, can you play it?"
"Play it?", asks the octopus, "Once I get the pajamas off I'm gonna fuck it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7icq/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus/
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What do you call a dinosaur that raps about life?

A philosorapper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7hh5/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_that_raps_about_life/
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Cheap Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Bob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h7ewl/cheap_parrot/
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A young man finds the perfect girl from his small village for marriage

He asks his father for his blessings, but the father tells him that he was screwing around in his youth, and that the girl he wants to marry is in fact his sister.
The young man devastated but still wanting to get married suggests his next door neighbor's daughter. The father tells him with apologetic tone that she is also his sister.
The young man storms out crying and finds his mother outside. She asks him what's up and he tells her the story. She tells him with her motherly soft voice: "Son, go marry any girl you want, that man is not your father".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h78y8/a_young_man_finds_the_perfect_girl_from_his_small/
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It's hard to say what my wife does for a living

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h78nn/its_hard_to_say_what_my_wife_does_for_a_living/
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What do you call it when you can't see your skin?

Pore resolution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h75jt/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_cant_see_your_skin/
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A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.

"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h742g/a_farmer_was_having_trouble_telling_his_horses/
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I just burned 2000 calories...

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h73h9/i_just_burned_2000_calories/
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A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff

ba-dumm-tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h72nj/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_down_a_cliff/
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[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h6uw6/nsfwslightly_offensive_what_is_the_best_thing/
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A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck

... and says “make me one with everything.”
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
“Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
The vendor replies, “change comes from within.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h6uvx/a_buddhist_monk_approaches_a_burger_foodtruck/
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Why is the moon so grumpy?

It's just going through one of its phases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h6ue9/why_is_the_moon_so_grumpy/
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Once I've read about the perils of alcoholism I've decided to stop...

...reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h6p4m/once_ive_read_about_the_perils_of_alcoholism_ive/
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Did you hear about the guy who ate glass?

It was pretty clear how he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h6klo/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_ate_glass/
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Why does voldemort have flat face?

He ran into wrong wall at train station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h6kik/why_does_voldemort_have_flat_face/
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Why are glasses required to do math?

because you need it for davision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h6ci4/why_are_glasses_required_to_do_math/
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Kim Kardashian's butt

Q: What do you call the space between Kim Kardashian's breasts and butt cheeks?
A: Silicon Valley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h6bld/kim_kardashians_butt/
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So my software came in today ...

My mom asked if it was the curtains she ordered.
I opened the box and turned around.
"Nope, just my Windows."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h6607/so_my_software_came_in_today/
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I recently joined a group for ambidextrous people.

It didn't feel right, so I left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h64ei/i_recently_joined_a_group_for_ambidextrous_people/
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Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h61cn/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
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A nun walks into a liquor store . . .

and asks for a bottle of whisky.
The owner is shocked. "I'm sorry, Sister, but I'm a good church-going man. I simply can't sell liquor to a nun."
The nun blushes a little, looks around nervously, then leans forward to whisper: "It's for Mother Superior's constipation."
"Oh, well, that's a different story," the owner says. He wraps up a bottle of his best and hands it to her, waving away her attempt to pay for it.
On his way home, he walks past the convent and sees the nun, drunk as a skunk, doing cartwheels on the lawn. He runs up to her. "Sister, how could you? You said the whisky was to help your Mother Superior's constipation!"
"It will, it will," the nun mutters. "When she sees me, she's just going to shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h61ba/a_nun_walks_into_a_liquor_store/
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Everyone loves a blonde joke....

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h6105/everyone_loves_a_blonde_joke/
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An elderly man is with his wife who is on her deathbed

As she lay there, she says to her husband, "Honey, I must tell you a secret before I die"
"Shh, there is nothing you need to tell me." the husband replies.
"No, I must tell you that I slept with your brother, best friend and the neighbor." the wife responds.
The husband says, "I know this. That is why I poisoned you. Now go to sleep, darling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h60o0/an_elderly_man_is_with_his_wife_who_is_on_her/
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What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile
&nbsp;
^^^^^^^^^^^[inb4^^repost](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=nun+on+a+wheelchair&restrict_sr=on&sort=relevance&t=all)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h60gt/what_do_you_call_a_nun_on_a_wheelchair/
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So Bob is having some issues in the bedroom...

Him and his wife and tired of it, it's really starting to hurt their marriage.
Bob decides to take the second half of his day off work and head to the doctor searching for a solution. "Well Dick, it's just happening to fast and I can't seem to get it under control, any ideas?" "Well Bob, a trick you can try for now is a simple one, when ever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." Bob leaves the doctors feeling reassured, what a brilliant plan he thought, on his way home he started to brainstorm - what could reliably startle him? He passed a gun shop on the way home and it clicked, a starter pistol! He pulls in excitedly and picks up his new secret weapon. Deciding to abandon any other errands he had, Bob went straight home, it was finally time to make things right with his wife! Surprising her with his early arrival, she was already naked and ready to go. Before long they were 69ing and he felt the urge and fired the pistol!
The next day he went to the doctors and Dick asked "Well, how did it go?"
"Horrible, when I fired the pistol my wife bit off 3 inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbour came out of my closet naked with his hands up!“

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5z2g/so_bob_is_having_some_issues_in_the_bedroom/
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Kids at School

A fifth grade teacher is teaching her class about problem solving. She asks the class what they would do if they had to carry two watermelons at the same time and didn't have a bag. Little Johnny's hand shoots up in the air, but the teacher calls on Mary instead.
"I would pick up one watermelon with my right hand and the other with my left hand," says Mary.
"Ok, but what if you had to carry three watermelons at the same time?" asks the teacher. Little Johnny's hand shoots up in the air again, but the teacher ignores him and calls on Timmy instead.
"I would carry the first watermelon in my right hand, the second in my left hand, and I would stick the third one on my dick," says Timmy.
The teacher says, "Timmy! That's disgusting! Go to the principal's office immediately!"
At this point little Johnny can't handle it anymore so he exclaims, "Ms. Logan, I know how to carry 5 watermelons at the same time!"
The teacher is intrigued so she says, "Really? How would you do that?"
Little Johnny smiles and says, "I would carry the first watermelon in my right hand, the second in my left hand, and I would stick Timmy on my dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5yms/kids_at_school/
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What did one sub-orbital jet propulsion engineer say to the other?

This ain't exactly rocket science.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5yi3/what_did_one_suborbital_jet_propulsion_engineer/
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What do a woman's anus and a 9 volt battery have in common? (NSFW)

You know its against your better judgement, but you put your tongue on it anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5v9p/what_do_a_womans_anus_and_a_9_volt_battery_have/
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A magician walks into a gay bar

and disappears with a poof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5v07/a_magician_walks_into_a_gay_bar/
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My friend went to prison today for something he didn't do.

He didn't run fast enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5sn2/my_friend_went_to_prison_today_for_something_he/
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I Hate My Life

I hate my life. I'm 22 and work at a fast food restaurant where my coworker hates me with a burning passion.
I'm extremely underpaid and if I ask for a raise my boss will kill me. I hate my town and the people in it. But I can't leave because I don't have a license.
And do you want to hear the worst part?
I live in a pineapple under the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5r6f/i_hate_my_life/
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My girlfriend just texted me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative

Anybody know what ternative means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5q7y/my_girlfriend_just_texted_me/
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What direction does a Walter White-themed GPS tell you to turn?

Goddamn right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5pzj/what_direction_does_a_walter_whitethemed_gps_tell/
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My prison name

If I ever went to prison, my prison name would be The Mitochondria, because I'll be the powerhouse of the cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5p7k/my_prison_name/
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The future

Someone asked me the other day if I could see where I would be in 5 years.
Come on man, I wear glasses.
I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5o8i/the_future/
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Barber shop

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5mlp/barber_shop/
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A skeleton walks into a bar

And orders a beer and a mop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5ig8/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a cannibal that only eats disabled people?

A Vegetarian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5eyy/what_do_you_call_a_cannibal_that_only_eats/
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3 ladies at work (yes it's yet another Blonde joke)

Three ladies all work in the same office with the same female boss.  Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they'd all leave a few minutes after her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy happy happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!!  Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5er2/3_ladies_at_work_yes_its_yet_another_blonde_joke/
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What sex position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h580l/what_sex_position_produces_the_ugliest_children/
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Recently, I've managed to get really into crosswords.

Like those really cryptic ones you get in the weekend papers, with clues like 'fish worn on head, (5, 7,)', and stuff like that. I get really intense about them, though, and can't stand starting a new one until I've finished the last one. I refuse to use dictionaries and things on principle, and I'll sit and ponder them until something comes along.
Anyway, I'd been working on one for about a month straight, stuck on one last clue. I'd stopped going to work, stopped bathing, shaving. I barely ate, barely slept. I was pretty sure my girlfriend had left me because it had been a bit quiet, but I couldn't be sure.
Most of my mates had abandoned me, except my friend from Jamaica- good guy, great friend.
So, he came round to visit me, takeaway curry in hand, and sat down next to me. It took me a moment, but I realised he was there, and looked up at him.
"Come on", he said, "you've got to give up. It's not good for you. You're....". He trailed off after that, but that 'twirly finger by the ear' thing everyone knows means 'fuck, mate, you're insane'.
"I can't", I replied through my luxurious crossword-beard, "I need to finish this one last thing, and then....and then I'll be fine. Fine. Promise"
He sighed, and shook his head, but gestured anyway. "Alright, what is it?"
"Great in scale and size. Awe-inspiring. Impressive. Ten letters"
"Monumental"
"No I'm not, I just really want to finish this crossword"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h5804/recently_ive_managed_to_get_really_into_crosswords/
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What do you call Albert Einstein giving a handjob?

A stroke of genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h57vf/what_do_you_call_albert_einstein_giving_a_handjob/
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It's a real Challenger

When I was first introduced to the Kerbal Space Program, my spaceship kept blowing up. I looked at my friend and said "Wow, this game is a real Challenger!"
I am a bad person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h55nr/its_a_real_challenger/
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What do you call a stoner that is masturbating?

A highjacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h55mj/what_do_you_call_a_stoner_that_is_masturbating/
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How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronouce unionized

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h54da/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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When your SO asks Daddy for ketchup at the family BBQ.

And you BOTH grab it at the same time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h52ie/when_your_so_asks_daddy_for_ketchup_at_the_family/
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Whoever invented the knock knock jokes should get the Nobel prize.

The No bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h50zb/whoever_invented_the_knock_knock_jokes_should_get/
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I'm sure my dad didn't write this, but it was always one of his favorites: The organs were having a meeting...

"Did I ever tell you about the asshole?"
"What?"
"Well, the asshole was at a meeting with all of the other body parts, and they were deciding who should be in charge of the whole body, right? So first, the brain says, 'C'mon, obviously I should be the boss. I do all of the decisions, thinking--why is this even a question?'
'Well, good luck doing all of the thinking if you can't see where you're going,' say the eyes. 'We should be in charge.'
'What good is it going to do seeing, if you can't get anywhere?' asked the legs.
'Well, without us, you'd have no oxygen,' said the lungs.
'Are you serious?' said the stomach. 'How are you supposed to process energy and do any of this stuff, without me??'
'Well, what about me?' piped up the asshole. 'I'm important too...'
'You?!?' laughed the other parts. 'Shut up, asshole!'
So the asshole went on strike.
A week and a half later, the brain couldn't think straight. The eyes couldn't focus, the legs were asleep from sitting on the pot, and the stomach was so jammed up full of crap that the lungs could barely breathe.
Finally, they all went to the asshole and said, 'Look, we're sorry, we're sorry!! Just come back to work, you can be in charge!'
...and that's why all bosses are assholes."
Miss ya, Pops.
*edit: formatting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h4wvf/im_sure_my_dad_didnt_write_this_but_it_was_always/
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I walked into an antiques shop and said, "I've got a vintage wooden dildo for sale if you're interested."

The assistant looked curious so I took it out of my bag and showed it to him.
"Jesus, it smells a bit funny!" he said.
"I know," I replied. "It's been in my family for years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h4wb7/i_walked_into_an_antiques_shop_and_said_ive_got_a/
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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,
Mom.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h4vhe/a_mom_visits_her_son_for_dinner_who_lives_with_a/
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A good way to get to know your date

is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie, and mom’s maiden name.
Then login and read all their emails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h4rau/a_good_way_to_get_to_know_your_date/
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How can you tell if a hippie has been in your house?

...he's still there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h4qi9/how_can_you_tell_if_a_hippie_has_been_in_your/
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Why isn't your nose 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h4orx/why_isnt_your_nose_12_inches_long/
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What did the feminist baker blame for all of her life's problems?

The Pastryarchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h4n48/what_did_the_feminist_baker_blame_for_all_of_her/
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what's it called when a mafia boss named Ana Conda sends his snobbish criminal henchman to go on a mission that includes said henchman going down multiple flights of stairs?

Conda sending condecending con decending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h4mnw/whats_it_called_when_a_mafia_boss_named_ana_conda/
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Why are urologists selfish?

Because they're all about number one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h4ma3/why_are_urologists_selfish/
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Fast and Furious [NSFW]

I asked my girlfriend to give me road head and we got into an accident.
I guess next time I should be the one driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h4lov/fast_and_furious_nsfw/
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A guy calls into work....

says he can't come in, he has a terrible hangover.
the boss says "well, when that happens to me, i ask my wife for sex, and that usually fixes me right up."
the guy says he'll try that.
later, he comes into work, ready to go.  the boss sees him and says
"so, that worked, didn't it?"
the guy says "yes, it did,  and you have a really nice house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h4gbk/a_guy_calls_into_work/
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Did you hear about the teacher who never farted in class?

It turns out she was a private tooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h4gbg/did_you_hear_about_the_teacher_who_never_farted/
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What happens when you get hit by a rental car?

It Hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h4era/what_happens_when_you_get_hit_by_a_rental_car/
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An old man walks into a bar....

And orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h481n/an_old_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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An old Sergeant Major

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young
lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should
lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h47oz/an_old_sergeant_major/
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What's the difference between the Titanic and my ex-girlfriend?

The Titanic only went down on 1,000 people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h43tm/whats_the_difference_between_the_titanic_and_my/
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Man and woman

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: 150 Rs. which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs 150 Rs. and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending 450 Rs. each day and each month at 13500 Rs. In one year, it would be approximately 162000 Rs. …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend 162000 Rs., not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at 32,40,000 Rs. correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where’s your Ferrari ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h43ll/man_and_woman/
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What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h43bj/what_do_you_call_it_when_an_italian_has_one_arm/
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Pros and cons of guys:

Con: They're dicks.
Pro: Their dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h3yoq/pros_and_cons_of_guys/
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Official language of the European Union

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phased plan that would become known as Euro-English. In the first year, s will replace the soft c. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard c will be dropped in favour of k. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ph will be replaced with f. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent e in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th with z and w with v. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h3x78/official_language_of_the_european_union/
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What did one orphan say to the other orphan?

Robin, get in the Batmobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h3wj3/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other_orphan/
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Superman is flying over the ocean . . . NSFW

... And he spots Wonder Woman on an island lying spread-eagle naked on the beach.
He thinks, "Man, I've always wanted to fuck her."
So he flies down at super-sonic speed, drills her within seconds, and flies away chuckling.
Meanwhile, Wonder Woman says, "What the fuck was that?"
And the Invisible Man says, "I don't know . . . but my ass hurts like hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h3ux4/superman_is_flying_over_the_ocean_nsfw/
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An old woman was driving down the highway...

An old woman was driving down the highway at 35mph when a highway patrol officer pulled her over. He asked the woman if she knew why he pulled her over. She said "I have no clue, officer. I was obeying the speed limit..." The officer then replied with "Ma'am, you were traveling far too slow to be driving in the highway." The woman, with a confused look on her face then pointed to a sign up ahead and said, "But officer, that sign says the speed limit is 35! I had to have been obeying the speed limit!" The officer turned to see the sign that marked what highway they were on, highway 35. He then turned around, and looked at the women's friend, sitting in the back, eyes as big as silver dollars, he asked the woman in the back what was wrong. She replied quietly with "We just got off of highway 160."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h3uvb/an_old_woman_was_driving_down_the_highway/
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Nguyen and Nguyen, Attorneys at Law

"It's always a win-win with us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h3r6y/nguyen_and_nguyen_attorneys_at_law/
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Why did the lifeguard save the hippie?

Because he was too far out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h3pds/why_did_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippie/
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yo momma so ugly

her vibrator needs viagra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h3nmp/yo_momma_so_ugly/
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They're finally making a movie about that guy who had a romantic relationship with his clock.

It's about fucking time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h3mz8/theyre_finally_making_a_movie_about_that_guy_who/
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I only hate two kinds of people.

The racist people and those fucking mexicans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h3mgq/i_only_hate_two_kinds_of_people/
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A large group of Hells Angels were riding down the highway . . . .

A friend of mine posted this on his fb page.  I'm not sure who to properly attribute it to, but I thought it should go here.  My hat's off to the author.
Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"
She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"
George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"
Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h3hbw/a_large_group_of_hells_angels_were_riding_down/
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Do you know what the white stuff in bird poop is?

More bird poop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h3apn/do_you_know_what_the_white_stuff_in_bird_poop_is/
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I want a job cleaning mirrors...

It's something I could really see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h3aov/i_want_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
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Tianjin's disaster could have been prevented...

After all, the experts have warned us that China's population might explode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h362k/tianjins_disaster_could_have_been_prevented/
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I slept through the alarm this morning

Luckily it wasn't a big fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h361d/i_slept_through_the_alarm_this_morning/
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She must do some of those special exercises

A couple are on their first date. It goes well, they have fun, and at the end of the evening she invites him in for a drink. Soon they are making out on the couch.
After a while, she whispers, "Put your finger inside me."
After a bit longer, "Put another finger in."
Later, "Put all your fingers in."
"Put your whole hand in"
"That's wonderful. Now your other hand."
"Now slide both hands up, all the way to your elbows."
"Now clap."
He says, "I can't."
"Tight, huh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h2xfp/she_must_do_some_of_those_special_exercises/
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Why don't you ever see an elephant in a tree?

Because they are so good at hiding!
.... except for [this one!](http://img.brainjet.com/slides/3/9/0/0/6/4/3900648295/377fc78441ea21907a99551e720faa4c5f277dfc.png)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h2mft/why_dont_you_ever_see_an_elephant_in_a_tree/
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I'd like to see a world without plagiarism

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h2kmz/id_like_to_see_a_world_without_plagiarism/
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What do you call a fish in orbit?

Trouterspace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h2js9/what_do_you_call_a_fish_in_orbit/
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Officer couldn't believe his eyes.

A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help. After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage.
A few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge to the Jaguar, and they agreed that if the Jaguar driver was going too fast, the man should blow his horn and flash his lights to get him to slow down. With that the two men got into their cars and the Jaguar driver started to pull away with the Dodge behind it.
At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up beside the Jaguar and started to rev his engine. As soon as the light turned green the Ferrari and the Jaguar hit their accelerators and took off. Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph. As the cars speed along, they passed through a police speed trap. The officer couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the three cars go by, and he decided that he couldn't catch them all by himself, so he decided to radio for help: "You won't believe what I just saw! I saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 120 mph side by side, and a beat up old Dodge behind them flashing his lights and blowing his horn trying to get by!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h2gst/officer_couldnt_believe_his_eyes/
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What did the duck say when he was buying chapstick?

Put it on my bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h2cms/what_did_the_duck_say_when_he_was_buying_chapstick/
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Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan?

Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h28pu/yo_girl_are_you_a_zero_apr_loan/
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When someone tells you that the integers are a more useful set of numbers than the natural numbers, stop talking to them.

You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h279z/when_someone_tells_you_that_the_integers_are_a/
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If anyone has a really good fish pun...

Let minnow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h26ed/if_anyone_has_a_really_good_fish_pun/
%
A lonely old woman goes to a pet store to find a companion...

A lonely old woman goes to the pet store with the hopes of finding a pet to keep her company.
&nbsp;
The store owner says "I have just the thing for you! We have a parrot that I think would be the perfect fit. He speaks over 500 words." The old woman is elated, buys the parrot, and takes him home. Sure enough, the parrot is a delightful companion and they barely spend a second apart for the entire week.
&nbsp;
On Sunday morning, the old woman goes to church - but not wanting to be away from her parrot, brings him along by hiding him in her purse. Halfway through the priest's sermon, the parrot jumps out of her purse onto her shoulder and shouts "HOLY FUCK IT'S COLD IN HERE!". Horrified, she tries to cram him back into her purse - but he jumps out again, onto her shoulder, and again screams "HOLY FUCK IT'S COLD IN HERE!". The entire congregation sits in silent horror, staring at the old woman and the bird. She grabs her parrot and runs out of the church, embarrassed beyond belief.
&nbsp;
First thing on Monday morning, she returns to the pet store and says "You have to take him back. He jumps out and screams obscenities in church!" to which the store owner knowingly nods his head and says "I was worried that might happen. Look, it will probably never happen again... but just in case, the next time he does it, just grab him by his feet, swing him around your head three times, and put him back on your shoulder. That's how he's been taught to know when he's saying something he shouldn't." Hesitantly, she takes the parrot home again.
&nbsp;
The week goes by perfectly pleasantly - the two of them are fast friends. On Sunday morning, she takes him with her to church. The same as the previous week, halfway through the priest's sermon, the parrot jumps out of her purse, onto her shoulder, and screams "HOLY FUCK IT'S COLD IN HERE!". Without skipping a beat, she grabs him by his feet, swings him around her head three times, and puts him back on her shoulder, at which point he screams "AND IT'S FUCKING WINDY TOO!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h269m/a_lonely_old_woman_goes_to_a_pet_store_to_find_a/
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A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train...

though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "get your own fucking blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h24x0/a_man_and_a_woman_who_had_never_met_before_but/
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Why would you never want to go to a gay BBQ?

Because the hotdogs taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h24ly/why_would_you_never_want_to_go_to_a_gay_bbq/
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If I have 10 cookies and someone takes one away - how many cookies do I have?

10 cookies and some bloody knuckles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h20lp/if_i_have_10_cookies_and_someone_takes_one_away/
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My dog keeps whimpering at her empty food bowl.

So I put her in another room. I'm not sure what that bowl did to her, but it's obvious it upset her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h1ybu/my_dog_keeps_whimpering_at_her_empty_food_bowl/
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My daughter's at that age where kids start asking awkward sex questions.

Just the other day, she said "Is that the best you can do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h1x3y/my_daughters_at_that_age_where_kids_start_asking/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h1t5u/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
A frog goes to the bank to get a loan...

A frog goes to the bank to get a loan, walks up to the teller, sees her name tag and says politely "Hello Ms. Pattywack I would like to take out a loan." She asks him his name and he replies "Kermit McJagger". She then asks him if he has any collateral and he places a small elephant statue on the table. She says "Sir this will not do." The frog says that's ridiculous let me see the manager. So she calls out the manager and explains the situation. He says everything is fine he gets the loan. Ms. Pattywack was very annoyed he would give a loan to this frog that easily when he had no collateral. She yells at the manager "what do you think you're doing?! He doesn't have anything!" Then she turns to the frog and yells "What is that stupid thing anyway?" By now the manager has had enough and says "That's a knick knack Pattywack now give this frog a loan, cuz his old man's a rolling stone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h1pre/a_frog_goes_to_the_bank_to_get_a_loan/
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I recently opened a suicide bomb store

Business is booming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h1nvq/i_recently_opened_a_suicide_bomb_store/
%
The Amish woman and the Pennsylvania State Trooper

An Amish woman is in her horse and buggy heading back home when a state trooper pulls her over.  The trooper walks up to the door of the buggy and the woman says "Good afternoon, young man.  What seems to be the problem?"
The trooper says, ma'am, I pulled you over because you were speeding........
.......I'm just kidding."
The two chuckled a bit before he continued to say "Actually, I pulled you over because there's strap around your horse's... genitalia.  It looks like it's a bit painful, and I wasn't sure if you knew it was there."
The woman replies "Oh dear... well my husband is the one that rigs the horses.  I just clean them, and throw the horse over the fence some hay.  But as soon as I get home, I'll be sure to tell him."
The officer ended with "Please do as soon as you can.  Have a nice day."
The woman gets home and says "Pa?"
Her husband yells down "Yes, ma?"
To which she replied "A nice, young state trooper pulled me over today, and said there's something wrong with the brakes."
-Thanks to the late, late Tom Snyder for this joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h1nr2/the_amish_woman_and_the_pennsylvania_state_trooper/
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Bullet Babies

A pregnant woman bearing triplets walks alone one night. As she takes her usual shortcut she is suddenly robbed at gunpoint. After she is robbed, the man shoots her in the stomach three times. After an emergency trip to the doctors she surivives, but there is one complication, the bullets were unretrievable due to her pregnacy and not wanting to risk the lives of her son and two daughters, she leave the bullets in.
14 years later the mother is sitting alone in the lounge. Suddenly she hears running. It's the first daughter who yells "Mum! Mum! I was having a wee and a bullet came out, what's wrong with me?". So the mother explains the story to her. "Mum!, Mum! I was having a poo and a bullet came out!" yells the second daughter. So the mother explains the story again. BANG! The son runs in, "Mum! Mum! I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h1ma3/bullet_babies/
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Visit to the zoo

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla’s enclosure, a gust of wind blew some grit into his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the hapless fellow senseless.
When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded sagely and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid meant “Fuck you”. The explanation didn’t make the gorilla’s victim feel any better, and he vowed revenge.
The next day he bought two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla’s cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knive and a party horn.
Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up the horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and solemnly pulled down his eyelid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h1f23/visit_to_the_zoo/
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Three women are bragging about their conquests in a bar

The first one says,"I am so loose, I can fit my fist in my pussy!".
The second one responds with, "Oh yeah? I can fit both my fists in mine!".
The third woman laughs as she starts to slide down the barstool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h17la/three_women_are_bragging_about_their_conquests_in/
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What do you call a dead baby on the side of the road?

Cheaper than a prostitute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h14a3/what_do_you_call_a_dead_baby_on_the_side_of_the/
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Royal Donkey

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h13t2/royal_donkey/
%
My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra.

As an analogy she suggested, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice *and* feels good."
...
I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h10c3/my_wife_was_trying_to_describe_what_its_like/
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A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0wzf/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table/
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A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the #@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0tgy/a_girls_gotta_do_what_a_girls_gotta_do/
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I never make mistakes. . .

I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0sdm/i_never_make_mistakes/
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Why couldn't the chameleon change colors?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0o9i/why_couldnt_the_chameleon_change_colors/
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I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered:

'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0nxb/i_stopped_at_a_friends_house_the_other_day_and/
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Kid asks his mother: "how was I born?"

Mother not wanting to tell him about sex yet, decides to say "Fairies brought you here"
Kid not satisfied with the answer, goes to dad and asks the same question. Dad gasps for a moment and says the same thing "the fairies brought you here"
Apparently the kid is still not satisfied and goes to his grandma and asks "Grandma, how was I born?"
Grandma: "fairies brought you here"
The Kid gets flustered and says:"WTF, nobody fucks around here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0m45/kid_asks_his_mother_how_was_i_born/
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My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well actually he said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0lir/my_doctor_told_me_to_eat_more_taco_bell/
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I put my Grandma on speed dial..

I call that Instagram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0lcd/i_put_my_grandma_on_speed_dial/
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I think a gay guy hit on me in a bar...

He was passing behind me and asked "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0ihf/i_think_a_gay_guy_hit_on_me_in_a_bar/
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A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful...

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
------------------------------------------
Hope you enjoyed it :)
(Posted it in /r/funny first, thought it would make more sense here haha)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0i8u/a_blonde_heard_that_baths_in_milk_would_make_her/
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I recently bought a dog from a Blacksmith...

And as soon as I got him into the house he made a bolt for the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0hdj/i_recently_bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith/
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A 5-year-old boy...

... went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0f63/a_5yearold_boy/
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What did one atom say to the other?

"I lost an electron..."
The other atom asks "Are you sure?"
First atom replies, "I'm positive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0eoz/what_did_one_atom_say_to_the_other/
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What did the hat say to the scarf?

You hang around while I go on ahead.
Credit goes to a Laffy Taffy wrapper from some years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0e51/what_did_the_hat_say_to_the_scarf/
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Two blondes are walking in the woods

and come across a set of tracks.  One looks at them and says "Wow, wolf tracks!"
The other looks down and scoffs.  "Those are coyote tracks, not wolf tracks.  Look at the size!"
"No they are not" says the first.  "I've spent most of my life walking in these woods, and I know wolf tracks when I see them!"
They stand there arguing over the tracks for some time, and are eventually hit by a train.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0dt9/two_blondes_are_walking_in_the_woods/
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What do you call a neolithic taking a walk?

A meanderthal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0biz/what_do_you_call_a_neolithic_taking_a_walk/
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An Old Family Secret

A man is driving down a country road when his car breaks down. He gets out and walks about a mile until he finds a driveway. He follows the driveway up to a farmhouse. On the porch was an old farmer lounging in his rocking chair. He says to the man, "Well, how you doing son?"
The man says, "Sorry to bother you, but my car broke down. I was wondering if I could use your phone to call for a ride."
Farmer says, "Sure thing. Head right in and make yourself at home."
The man heads in and calls for a ride. As he comes back out to the porch he turns to the farmer and says, "I noticed you have some milkweed at the end of your driveway. If you give me a jar, I will go over and come back with some milk."
The farmer says, "You're crazy boy! You cant get milk from a milkweed!"
The man says, "It's an old family secret. If you give me a jar I will come back with some milk."
The farmer complies and he heads over to the end of the driveway. Sure enough he comes back to the farmer with a jar full of milk. The farmer yells, "How in the heck did you do that boy!?!"
He replies, "It's an old family secret."
The farmer says, "I like you son. You come back anytime."
The man leaves. A couple weeks pass and the man finds himself on the same road. He decides to pay the farmer another visit. He arrives at the farmhouse to find the farmer lounging in the same rocking chair. The farmer says, "I remember you! How you doing son?"
The man says, "I'm good. I noticed you have some honeysuckle at end of the driveway. If you give me a jar, I will come back with honey."
The farmer again cries, "You're crazy boy! You can't get honey from a honeysuckle!"
The man says, "It's an old family secret."
The farmer gives him a jar again and he goes to the end of the driveway. Sure enough he comes back with a jar full of honey.
The farmer screams, "How did you do that boy!?!?"
The man replies, "It's an old family secret."
The farmer says to him, "You can come back anytime."
A few more weeks pass and the man decides to pay the farmer a visit again. He pulls up to the farmhouse and sees the farmer lounging in the same rocking chair. The farmer says, "Well, its good to see you. How you doing son?"
The man replies, "I'm good. So I noticed at the end of your driveway you have some pussy willow. If you.."
The farmer interrupts the man, "Hold on. I'm coming with you for this one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h0ana/an_old_family_secret/
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a 3 year old is a lot like bill cosby

When you Wake up from a nap and they're naked, doing a bunch of shit you dont like

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h07qe/a_3_year_old_is_a_lot_like_bill_cosby/
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The Fastest Thing in the World

Four men were arguing about what they thought was the fastest thing in the world.
The first man says: I think it's a thought, because when you think of something, it's in your head instantly.
The second man says: I think it's a blink, because when you wink at someone they barely even see it.
The third man says: I think it's electricity, because when you flip a switch, power from miles away arrives instantly, and your light turns on.
The fourth man says: No, no, no, it's diarrhea, because yesterday, before I could think, blink, or turn the light switch on, I shit my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h04wk/the_fastest_thing_in_the_world/
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What is the difference between a Cat fish and a lawyer?

One is a shit eating bottom sucker.
The other one is a fish...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h00hy/what_is_the_difference_between_a_cat_fish_and_a/
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How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb?

2.
1 to change the light bulb, the other to take pictures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h00ev/how_many_asians_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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I wanted to open a place where people could drink and go dancing. A portion of all proceeds would be donated to a nature reserve where threatened species could breed and raise their offspring in peace. But I had to close it down.

I really thought Club Baby Seals was going to be a bigger hit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzyi5/i_wanted_to_open_a_place_where_people_could_drink/
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What branch of the military did the hipster join?

The Salvation Army.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzw1z/what_branch_of_the_military_did_the_hipster_join/
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The teacher is asking a student a question.

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzvha/the_teacher_is_asking_a_student_a_question/
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A Roman walks into a bar

he puts two fingers up and says "five beers please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzsv1/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 100?

Because when she got to 69, there was a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzspd/why_couldnt_miss_piggy_count_to_100/
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A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff

BA-DUMM-TSS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzsfe/a_sheep_a_drum_and_a_snake_fall_down_a_cliff/
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What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A Megasoreass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzsbq/what_do_you_call_a_gay_dinosaur/
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How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+Esh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzq97/how_does_sean_connery_shave/
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How do you call a gay Jew?

Heblew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzoie/how_do_you_call_a_gay_jew/
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Whoever invented the "Knock-Knock" jokes...

Should get a No-Bell prize

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gznfg/whoever_invented_the_knockknock_jokes/
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When I get naked in the bathroom...

the shower gets turned on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzlta/when_i_get_naked_in_the_bathroom/
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Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzkxd/why_did_the_cows_keep_returning_to_the_field_of/
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Who came first, the chicken or the egg?

They came together, it was a perfect lay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzkpn/who_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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Necrophilia..

It puts the FUN in Funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzfkt/necrophilia/
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An old hillibilly with three daughters

An old had three pretty teenage daughters of whom he was very protective. He used to sit on the front porch, shotgun in hand, and run his eye over any potential suitors. If he didn't like the look of them, he'd send them on their way.
One night, all three girls were due to go out on dates. The first's boyfriend drove up and announced: "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The old man decided that the boy sounded OK and he  gave his blessing for the date.
Ten minutes later, amother car pulled up. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The old man thought the boy was decent enough, so he gave him permission for the date.
Ten minutes later, a third car arrived. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Chuck..." And the old man shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzf6b/an_old_hillibilly_with_three_daughters/
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My friend's WoW character couldn't go forward anymore. You'll never guess what he said !?

" wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzet2/my_friends_wow_character_couldnt_go_forward/
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COOL HUSBAND :D :P :)

Husband & wife went to Jerusalem. Wife died there.
Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $10000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".
Man:"........ I'll take the body home!!!"
Priest:" Why the costly option?"
Man: " Jesus was buried here and came alive on the 3rd day. I CAN'T TAKE THE RISK" !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gzbmb/cool_husband_d_p/
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Lady goes to a sex shop..

she goes to the vibrator section as she is looking for something to satisfy her needs. she gazes upon this big red one and soon after the clerk came and asked her if she needed any assistance finding anything. The lady replies, "I'm just curious how much this big red dildo is."
The clerk responded slightly concerned, "ma'am that one is not for sale."
The lady questioned him why she was not able to purchase the big red dildo.
The clerk then says, "well ma'am that's a fire extinguisher."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gz9od/lady_goes_to_a_sex_shop/
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I totally understand how batteries feel.

I'm not included in a lot of things either..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gz0y2/i_totally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
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What did the vegan say when he saw someone familiar?

I've seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gz0a5/what_did_the_vegan_say_when_he_saw_someone/
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Meeting the parents

A man goes to meet his girlfriends parents, but they live far away and he doesn't have a car.
So off he goes looking for a car - and he finds one, a clunky banger but with a really clean engine.
"Nice car man" he says to the seller, "That is one smooth engine."
"You bet," says the seller, and then with some afterthought, "tell you what kid, I like the look of you - I'll sell this car to you cheap if you promise to keep her in good nick."
"Hell yeah!" he says eagerly, still amazed by sound of the engine
"Good, all you need to do is put some lube down the exhaust just before it starts to rain. You *must* do this without fail, or it will rust. You promise?"
"Promise," he says, and gladly pays the seller who hands him over the keys and a large tub of lube for the rain.
That evening he sets off with his girlfriend to her parents house in their new car, and right as he's about to ring the doorbell - his girlfriend grabs his hand and says:
"My parents are very nice accommodating people, but they have ONE rule - whoever talks first during dinner has to do the washing up."
The guys shrugs 'okay', and in they go.
Her parents really are as easy-going and open-minded as his girlfriend made them out to be, but then they all sat down for dinner and the conversation suddenly stopped.
They all ate in silence, and as each course of the meal progressed the plates started to pile up. *That sure is one big stack of washing up* thought the man to himself, *these guys will probably commit murder before they speak again*.
Figuring that he could get away with anything, he gets up and stands behind his girlfriend, and starts fondling her breasts really intimately, finally pulling her up from the chair and breaking out into full blown sex on the dinner table as her parents watch in mute bewilderment.
After he finishes and no one says a word, he looks past his girlfriend at her mother and figures that she's not that bad looking either. He gets up and stands behind his girlfriend's mother, and starts fondling her breasts really intimately, finally pulling her up from the chair and breaking out into full blown sex on the dinner table as her husband and her daughter watch in mute bewilderment.
After he finishes and still no one has said a word, he looks past his girlfriend's mother and sees that it is raining outside. Remembering what he was told to do for the car exhaust, he pulls out the giant tub of lube and -
"Stop" says the father, "I will do the washing up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gz05x/meeting_the_parents/
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Why did Walmart go out of business in Iraq?

Because there are too many targets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gywxq/why_did_walmart_go_out_of_business_in_iraq/
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Why are gay men so well dressed?

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gyusq/why_are_gay_men_so_well_dressed/
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What did the little cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe?

My toe sis!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gyty4/what_did_the_little_cell_say_to_his_sister_when/
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Where do people send crazy cigarettes?

To the menthol institution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gytvk/where_do_people_send_crazy_cigarettes/
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Happy Friday - Blonde Joke :)

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gytdq/happy_friday_blonde_joke/
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Why did the maniacal chemist drop a rancher into his latest concoction?

Because the rancher was a cattlist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gys2i/why_did_the_maniacal_chemist_drop_a_rancher_into/
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They Were Alone!

They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed.
He watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance.
She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect
her from the storm, she wanted that....
Then the power went out.
She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on, as did their growing passion....
There came a moment when each knew they had to be together.
They knew it was wrong... their families would not understand...
but... so consumed in their passion, they didn't hear the door
open... the click of the light switch... the power was back on,
and...  http://imgur.com/mJI4utL

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gyqlu/they_were_alone/
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Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY
I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.
I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.
When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of  me put down some condoms
I then proceeded to put the ketchup directly behind the condoms
The man then looked at the condoms and ketchup and turned to look me in the eye
Then (I think it was just instinct) i said 'I see we both have something to put on our sausages
I laughed, he laughed, the cash lady laughed and the three women behind me laughed it was one of the greatest moments of my life!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gyq7j/something_on_our_sausages/
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I was on the bus with my friend the other day...

When I told the joke: "What do you do if you see an epileptc having a seizure in the bath? Throw your laundry in with him!"
Unfortunately, there was a man sitting behind us when I told this, and he leaned over the seat and said "That's not funny at all, my Son happened to die from having a seizure in the bath."
We were both obviously mortified, and the man got up to leave as it got to his stop. As he passed us we heard him say "The fucking idiot choked on a sock."
All credit for this joke goes to u/inmate992

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gyo72/i_was_on_the_bus_with_my_friend_the_other_day/
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Micky Mouse is in divorce court

The judge says, "So you, uh, want to divorce your wife because she's crazy?" And Mickey says, "Um, no, I think what you heard me say is that she's fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gyn0q/micky_mouse_is_in_divorce_court/
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return?

Stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gyjxe/what_do_you_call_a_boomerang_that_doesnt_return/
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Which day is the most agreeable？

Yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gyfbj/which_day_is_the_most_agreeable/
%
The thing about good music is..

...its technically sound.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gydh6/the_thing_about_good_music_is/
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Shipwreck

A cruise ship get badly damaged by the iceberg. Passengers crowd on the deck. It is obvious they need to jump into the water, but it's cold and three particular groups of tourists are hesistant.
Captain walks up to the first group, who are americans, tells them something and they all jump.
He goes to the second group, who are german, tells them something and they all jump.
He goes to the final group, says something and nobody jumps. After a minute, ine person jumps. Then another. Then another. Then they all jump.
First mate later asks what he said.
"I told americans it was patriotic. I told the germans it was an order".
"And the third group?"
"Those were russians. I told them it was forbidden."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gycxm/shipwreck/
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Russell Crowe was arrested for biting a woman's face off.

When asked about it, he said he was "Glad he ate her".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gy7de/russell_crowe_was_arrested_for_biting_a_womans/
%
Little Johnny sees Mom in the shower

...  he asks, "Mom, what's that slit between your legs?".
Feeling a little flustered, she replies "Oh, oh..uh, that's where your father accidentally hit me with an axe!"
"Good shot", says Johnny.  "Right in the cunt".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gy61h/little_johnny_sees_mom_in_the_shower/
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What do you call a bunch of flies in a beer can?

An Outback Vibrator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gy5nh/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_flies_in_a_beer_can/
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What did the Ancient Romans use to cut their hair?

Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gy1pn/what_did_the_ancient_romans_use_to_cut_their_hair/
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What does a preverted frog say?

Rubbit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gy14p/what_does_a_preverted_frog_say/
%
A jew in his death bed and a Rolex

A jew in his death bed is surrounded by his family, ready to say farewell to their patriarch.
In his last moments, the jew takes something out of his pocket, calls his oldest son and says: "Yitzhak, here I have a 1935 Rolex Oyster Perpetual Chronometer."
"I see it daddy", answers the son
And then the old men continues, "This watch as with me during my whole life. It first belonged to my father's father, then to my father, and finally to me".
With tears in his eyes, the elder son replies, "It's a beautiful watch with a beautiful story, Daddy"
Finally, the jew with a proud look and feeling accomplished asks, "Wanna buy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gxzye/a_jew_in_his_death_bed_and_a_rolex/
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One of the Most Powerful Jokes in My Engineer Joke Arsenal

Note: I shared this joke in an /r/tifu comment, and someone suggested I post it here. I heard this joke from my mom, who is an architect, with an undergraduate degree in engineering.
Two engineers meet each other on their way into work. One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it. "Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'"
"Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gxs9b/one_of_the_most_powerful_jokes_in_my_engineer/
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A 5 Year Old's First Job

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the motherfuckin' sheet rock..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gxrz2/a_5_year_olds_first_job/
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Will you get mad?

Wife: *Honey, do I look fat in this dress?*
Husband: *Will you get mad if I tell you the truth?*
Wife: *No, silly. Of course not*
Husband: *I slept with your sister*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gxpb0/will_you_get_mad/
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Why was being a soprano a requirement to becoming a pirate?

It made it easier to deal with high C's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gxnou/why_was_being_a_soprano_a_requirement_to_becoming/
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My girlfriend asked me why we don't make love like they do in the movies..

So I ripped off her clothes, fucked her in the ass and came in her eye.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gxkd2/my_girlfriend_asked_me_why_we_dont_make_love_like/
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A Hindu, a Muslim, and a lawyer are traveling together.

They reach a farmhouse and ask to spend the night. The farmer tells them that he only has room for two and one will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu volunteers, but a short while later there's a knock at the door. "I can't sleep there. There is a cow, and a cow is a sacred animal. My religion forbids it."
So the Muslim goes next. Again, there's a knock at the door. "I can't sleep there. There is a pig, and a pig is an unclean animal. My religion forbids it."
So the lawyer heads out. There's a knock at the door once more.
It's the cow and the pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gxjig/a_hindu_a_muslim_and_a_lawyer_are_traveling/
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Is your lizard not working?

You may have a reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gxi1k/is_your_lizard_not_working/
%
A cop pulled over a spanish photon...

The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
The photon said, "c."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gx9ce/a_cop_pulled_over_a_spanish_photon/
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I had an arguement with a philosophy major

I told him NO, I don't want avocado on my footlong!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gx54r/i_had_an_arguement_with_a_philosophy_major/
%
What do frogs say?

Times fun when you're having flies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gx44h/what_do_frogs_say/
%
what did stevie wonder say when he recieved a cheese grater for Christmas?

it was the most violent book he had ever read

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gx3l7/what_did_stevie_wonder_say_when_he_recieved_a/
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Looking for a wife

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's okay, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy replies, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gx2qe/looking_for_a_wife/
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I brought my camera to a strip club for my photography project

I ended up failing because everyone in my photos was over-exposed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gx1a5/i_brought_my_camera_to_a_strip_club_for_my/
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Why do girls always walk in groups of odd numbers?

Because they can't even...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwzbv/why_do_girls_always_walk_in_groups_of_odd_numbers/
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I've been thinking of getting into the warehousing business...

I've heard it's blowing up in China

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwycy/ive_been_thinking_of_getting_into_the_warehousing/
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What do the U.S.S. Enterprise and Toilet Paper have in common?

They both wipe out Klingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwwd8/what_do_the_uss_enterprise_and_toilet_paper_have/
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Why are there no walmarts in Iraq?

Because there is a target on every corner,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwwbp/why_are_there_no_walmarts_in_iraq/
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I wouldn't say my butt plug the best sex toy...

but it's definitely up there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwvyq/i_wouldnt_say_my_butt_plug_the_best_sex_toy/
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It's a Sunday morning and a priest realizes he was supposed to go golfing

He goes to the janitor and says "listen, i know this is highly unusual, but i have to leave. Could you cover confession for me?"
The janitor agrees so the priest writes a list of common sins and their respective pennances.
Once in the booth, a man comes in and says he committed adultery, the janitor checks the list and tells him "10 hail Mary's and 10 or fathers." Next, a woman comes in and says "forgive me father for i have sinned. I performed fellatio on my husband." the janitor searches the list but doesn't find it so he tells the woman the same thing he told the previous confessor.
Determined to find the answer, he finds an altar boy and asks him "what does father Richard give for a blowjob?" The altar boy replies "2 pieces of gum and a lollipop"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwu33/its_a_sunday_morning_and_a_priest_realizes_he_was/
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The other day I saw a sign on my street for a garage sale

...but I didn't go.  I already had a garage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwrur/the_other_day_i_saw_a_sign_on_my_street_for_a/
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Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Steven Hawking in a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwq5b/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_the_stairs/
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"61...61...61..."

A man was walking by a tall wall surrounding a hospital, what he thought was an insane asylum.  He heard low voices moaning and groaning and saying, "61...61...61..." over and over again.  It was odd and unsettling. It was a bit creepy.  And he wondered what the heck was going on behind those walls.  His pace slowed as the voices got a little louder and more organized...
"61!  61!  61!"
He noticed a small beam of light coming out of a small hole about waist high.  It was his chance to see what was happening.
As he bent over and peered into the hole, a stick poked through it and jabbed him right in the eye.
"OUCH!" he shouted, as he fell back on his behind.
The voices then happily started shouting, "62! 62! 62!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwplk/616161/
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Highway Dildo

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.
When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield
The little girl asks: *Mommy, what was that?*
The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: *It was just a bug honey.*
The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: *It sure had a big dick.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwm1e/highway_dildo/
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Why do flamingos stand on one leg?

If they lifted the other leg they'd fall over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwfd9/why_do_flamingos_stand_on_one_leg/
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Bob Tom and Debbie are Stranded on a Desert Island

Bob, Tom, and Debbie are Stranded on a Desert Island. Barely fighting to survive, they resign themselves to months with only each other for company.
Eventually, Bob and Debbie start getting it on, doing what comes naturally in survival situations.
Not to be left out of the fun, Tom and Debbie start boning too.
Debbie, wracked by guilt afterwards, commits suicide.
Lonely, and without companionship on the beech, Bob and Tom start doing what comes naturally. After a while though, Bob and Tom start to feel guilty about what they are doing.
So they bury Debbie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwee1/bob_tom_and_debbie_are_stranded_on_a_desert_island/
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Have you ever had sex while camping?

It's fucking in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwdgl/have_you_ever_had_sex_while_camping/
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What do you call someone who worships balls?

Sack-religious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwaaz/what_do_you_call_someone_who_worships_balls/
%
I'm on a whiskey diet

I've lost three days already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gw6pw/im_on_a_whiskey_diet/
%
How many times does a blonde laugh at a joke?

Three times - Once when you tell it, once when you explain it, and once when she gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gw6p3/how_many_times_does_a_blonde_laugh_at_a_joke/
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I was dating a girl with a lazy eye.

Unfortunately I had to break up with her because she was seeing someone else on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gw2d3/i_was_dating_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye/
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Why can't Redditors lose their virginity?

They can never get further than the tip!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gw108/why_cant_redditors_lose_their_virginity/
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What's the difference between a potato and a chickpea?

You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gw0yi/whats_the_difference_between_a_potato_and_a/
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What's black and screams

Stevie wonder answering the iron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gw013/whats_black_and_screams/
%
Boss and the Secretary

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast and he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees.
Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The bastard used coins.. I'm still picking them up and he is still going!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gvzsp/boss_and_the_secretary/
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What does a healthy dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gvzhw/what_does_a_healthy_dog_and_a_nearsighted/
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A wife took her husband to a strip club as a birthday treat.

The doorman greeted them, "Hi Jim! How are you?"
"How does he know you?" asked the wife. "Oh dear, I play football with him," said Jim.
Inside, the bartender asked, "Hello Jim! The usual?"
Jim turned to his wife. "Before you say anything, he and I are on the darts team."
Then a stripper walked up to them. "Hi Jim! You craving the Special again?" she giggled.
The wife had enough and stormed out, dragging Jim along and pulling him into a taxi with her.
The cab driver turned around. "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up a butt ugly one this time ..."
Jim's funeral is on Saturday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gvvwj/a_wife_took_her_husband_to_a_strip_club_as_a/
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Three men line up at the gate of heaven...

St. Peter talks to the first man to see if he is worthy of reaching heaven.
"How did you die?" Asked St. Peter
"Well, you see," the first man said, "I was worried for a long time that my wife was cheating on me, so I walked to my balcony thinking of what to do, when I saw someone's fingers hanging on the railing. I immediately assumed that this was my wife's lover and smashed his fingers, and he let go, landing on the bushes. In anger, I grabbed my refrigerator and threw it down on the bushes. The strain caused me to suffer a heart attack and die."
St. Peter listens and decides that he may go to heaven, as he committed his actions out of love for his wife. Then he moves on to the second man.
"How did you die?" He asks
"Well," the second man says, "I was jogging on my treadmill when I slipped and fell off my balcony. Luckily, I had grabbed my neighbor's railing before I could hit the ground, but some maniac hit my fingers causing me to fall in some bushes. I was about to get up when he threw a refrigerator, killing me."
St. Peter, amused, allows the man to pass because he committed no wrong. Then he turns to the last man and asks, "How did you die?"
The man looks to St. Peter and says, "Do you know what it feels like to be naked in a falling refrigerator?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gvujy/three_men_line_up_at_the_gate_of_heaven/
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Roy Rogers and the mountain lion

Back in the 1950s, cowboy star Roy Rogers bought a brand new pair of expensive cowboy boots. Cowboy boots are notoriously stiff when they're new so Roy spent all morning oiling and working the leather to try to soften them up a bit. He then took them out onto the back porch to dry in the sunlight while he commenced with the rest of his chores around the ranch.
Later that afternoon when Roy returned home he found that a mountain lion had snuck down out of the hills and had mauled and gnawed the ever-living crap out of his new, prized boots. Well Roy was so mad he was fit to spit. He went inside and grabbed his hunting rifle and whistled for his dog Bullet. He and Bullet jumped in the ranch jeep and headed up into the hills to hunt down that no-good puma.
Well after tramping around for a bit Bullet picked up the mountain lion's scent and before you knew it Roy had him in his sights. Well one quick shot later the dead cat was tied across the hood of the Jeep and Roy headed back down to the ranch.
When he pulled up in front of the house his wife, Dale Evans came outside and exclaimed, "Pardon me Roy? Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gvln6/roy_rogers_and_the_mountain_lion/
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Why can't sluts count to seventy?

69 is a mouthful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gvjf9/why_cant_sluts_count_to_seventy/
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A worried flyer asks a statistician...

"What are my chances of getting on a plane that has a bomb on it?" to which the statistician replies, "very, very low". “But I fly a lot,” said the businessman. Then, said the statistician, “Take your own bomb with you. The odds against being on a plane with two bombs on it are 50 billion to one.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gvipv/a_worried_flyer_asks_a_statistician/
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The tale of the clever dog

Once upon a time, a plane crashed inside a tropical islands little jungle. A dog, being the last passenger alive, decides to abandon the plane in hopes of finding a way out of the jungle.
While walking in the jungle, the dog notices a tiger behind it. The riger not knowing that the dog is aware of its presense decides to attack. The clever dog notices and says "Man Im so hungry! I wish there was a tiger nearby so I could kill and eat it."
The tiger hears the dogs monologue and decides to return to its cave nearby in fear that the dogs words might actually become true.
A monkey was sitting on a tree, and was spectating the whole scenery, meaning that it undertood the dogs trick, so it decides to go inside the tigers lair and tell it the truth in exchange for some free food.
The clever dog though, being aware of the monkeys presence, decides to follow it, resulting the dog to hear the monkey-tigers dialogue.
A few hours later the tiger rushes in the jungle in hopes of finding the dog. The tiger finds the clever dog (which was pretending that didnt see the tiger) and it was about to strike when the dog all of a sudden says
"Where the hell is this monkey?! I told it to bring me a tiger and it didnt lure in a single one!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gvidh/the_tale_of_the_clever_dog/
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So this Roman guy...

This Roman guy walks into a Tavern, raises two fingers and yells,  'five beers please!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gvdu6/so_this_roman_guy/
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Apparently im amazing at managing my credit card

My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gvckr/apparently_im_amazing_at_managing_my_credit_card/
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Did you hear about the feminist light bulb?

It empowers itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gv4jk/did_you_hear_about_the_feminist_light_bulb/
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Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?

Because if they slept with two legs up they'd fall over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gv3s4/why_do_flamingos_sleep_with_one_leg_up/
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I was walking by the midget prison...

...when suddenly, all the sirens started blaring. After a minute, an escapee was rappelling down the wall while giving me a very nasty look. I thought, "Well that's a little condescending."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gv14b/i_was_walking_by_the_midget_prison/
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I woke up today with a blowjob...

that's the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3guxgs/i_woke_up_today_with_a_blowjob/
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After 5 years of being married, the wife finds $7.500,00 and 4 eggs on the top of the wardrobe.

Perplexed, she goes running to her husband to ask what that was about, and he says:
- Honey, during these 5 years together, everytime you irritate me I get an egg and put it on the top of the wardrobe.
The wife gets happy because there were only 4 eggs, and then asks:
- But what about the $7.500,00 ?
He answers:
- Every time I complete one dozen, I sell it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gux9e/after_5_years_of_being_married_the_wife_finds/
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Why are dogs such terrible dancers?

They have two left feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gunfr/why_are_dogs_such_terrible_dancers/
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Two men drinking at home, while their wives working in the kitchen

1st Man: We went to this place last year. It is the best place to spend summer vacation..
2nd Man: What is it called?
1st Man: (Keeping his glass on the table) I forgot the name. Umm lemme think.. What do you call that flower that is red and smells nice?
2nd Man: You mean, Rose?
1st Man: Yeah! (turns back to look at his wife in the kitchen).. Rose darling, what is the name of the place we went last summer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3guli7/two_men_drinking_at_home_while_their_wives/
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A little girl comes home after school: "Mommy, mommy, someone at school called me a dumb bitch."

"What does dumb mean ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gujbx/a_little_girl_comes_home_after_school_mommy_mommy/
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I like women how I like my eggs...

Whites only

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3guiur/i_like_women_how_i_like_my_eggs/
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Lunch

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary  society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple?
'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3guijo/lunch/
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I like my coffee like I like my women...

lightly roasted for that full bodied flavor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gufix/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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What was Spider Man's major in college?

Web Design.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3guf7z/what_was_spider_mans_major_in_college/
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Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession and tells the priest a couple of mild sins.
"Is that all?" asks the priest, surprised.
"Yes, that's it. There are no more sins."
"And who steals apples from my garden?" asks the priest.
"Father, the acoustics in here are terrible, I can't hear a word you say!" claims Tony.
"What do you mean? Tell me who steals my apples!" demands the priest.
"Everything you say, I can't comprehend it in here! Let's switch places if you don't believe me!" suggests Tony.
The priest comes into the chamber where Tony sat and Tony into where the priest sat.
"Father, who lies with my wife when I'm not at home?" asks Tony.
"You're right, Tony, the acoustics in here are indeed terrible," agrees the priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gud8s/tony_a_man_of_criminal_reputation_goes_to_a/
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Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gud5j/time_flies_like_an_arrow/
%
I used to be afraid of the dentist

But now I know the drill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gucr1/i_used_to_be_afraid_of_the_dentist/
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I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why, because surely it’s not dangerous.

He said it was distracting him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gucl9/i_visited_my_doctor_last_week_and_he_told_me_i/
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If anyone sees Phillip...

...tell him I have his screwdriver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gu8po/if_anyone_sees_phillip/
%
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to fuck her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gu8cg/a_teacher_asks_her_class_what_do_you_want_to_be/
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do you know the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

one less drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gu82f/do_you_know_the_difference_between_an_irish/
%
Why are giraffes' necks so long?

Because their heads are so far from their bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gu823/why_are_giraffes_necks_so_long/
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How do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gu0q3/how_do_you_call_a_russian_tree/
%
I once had a job circumcising Elephants at a Zoo

The work was hard but the tips were huge!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gtzcs/i_once_had_a_job_circumcising_elephants_at_a_zoo/
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Never fall for a tennis player...

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gtxa4/never_fall_for_a_tennis_player/
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What do you call a short psychic who's escaped from rehab?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gtw7i/what_do_you_call_a_short_psychic_whos_escaped/
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What do you call a big pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gts2v/what_do_you_call_a_big_pile_of_kittens/
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What brand of car would the Roadrunner be?

Jeep Jeep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gtko2/what_brand_of_car_would_the_roadrunner_be/
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High Quality Poem

Error 404
Your Haiku could not be found
Try again later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gtiv0/high_quality_poem/
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Romantic men

3 men talk about their wives. The first one says: "My wife is like a butterfly, so delicate and pretty". The second one: "Mine is like a baby deer, beautiful and gracious". After a moment of silence the third one goes: "Now that I think about it mine doesn't look much human either".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gtigk/romantic_men/
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Hamster PickUp Line?

If I was a Hamster, and I met a female hamster I liked...id say "Aye Girl, You From Amsterdam? Cause Hamster Damn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gti9t/hamster_pickup_line/
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyoncè

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gti7t/what_did_jayz_call_his_girlfriend_before_getting/
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gthr3/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_off_of_the_boat/
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There was a father who called his 5 small children together.

As they sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.
He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them.
He asked them “who is the most obedient?”
Five sets of eyes looked up at him.
Sensing that they didn’t understand the word he then asked, “ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?”
One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. “You win!” exclaimed the child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gt86k/there_was_a_father_who_called_his_5_small/
%
How do you catch a runaway laptop?

With an Internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gt7nu/how_do_you_catch_a_runaway_laptop/
%
What's the difference between French women and an NHL hocky team?

The hockey team showers after 3 periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gt38q/whats_the_difference_between_french_women_and_an/
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I just invented a word

"Plagiarism"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gt22d/i_just_invented_a_word/
%
What do you call 16 white girls in a room?

One whole Cherokee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gswv1/what_do_you_call_16_white_girls_in_a_room/
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How do Jews do a pregnancy test?

The woman spreads her legs and the man throws a penny between them - if a hand darts out to snatch it up then it's a positive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gsuhv/how_do_jews_do_a_pregnancy_test/
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"IRONY"...

This is short and to the point:
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals. Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gstt4/irony/
%
My GF begged me to stop singing Linkin Park

I tried so hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gsrpl/my_gf_begged_me_to_stop_singing_linkin_park/
%
Why is Mrs. Claus disappointed?

because Santa came early!
I'll let myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gspsi/why_is_mrs_claus_disappointed/
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What do McDonald's and a pedophile have in common?

They both stick their meat between seven-year-old buns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gsm9n/what_do_mcdonalds_and_a_pedophile_have_in_common/
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What do you call an snobbish criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gsin9/what_do_you_call_an_snobbish_criminal_walking/
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What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gshnx/whats_the_difference_between_a_taliban_outpost/
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What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're 12 to come on your face.
I'll see myself out now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gsd2q/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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What does a woman put behind her ears to make her more attractive?

Her feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gsbyl/what_does_a_woman_put_behind_her_ears_to_make_her/
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I asked my gynecologist what the medical term for queefing is...

Twatulence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gsbjq/i_asked_my_gynecologist_what_the_medical_term_for/
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I just finished a book about sex with clocks.

It's about fucking time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gs8gq/i_just_finished_a_book_about_sex_with_clocks/
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Saudi Arabia hates Scooby Doo...

But Abu Dhabi Doo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gs6z8/saudi_arabia_hates_scooby_doo/
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My SO thinks it's sexy to bite her lip...

I haven't got the heart to tell her it should be the bottom one....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gs5wo/my_so_thinks_its_sexy_to_bite_her_lip/
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The cow says "Moo." The pig says "Oink." The dog says

Ed..ward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gs5ps/the_cow_says_moo_the_pig_says_oink_the_dog_says/
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Poop jokes!

Did you hear about the movie Constipation?  It never came out.
Did you hear about the sequel, Diarrhea?  It leaked so they had to release it early.  (Yep, that one is OC, don't know if I should be proud of that but I am)
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?  He just couldn't budget.
Tell me your best poop joke!  I'm looking for a good one to put up on the Joke of the Day board at work for my last day at this job on Friday.
Update: I used the Jazz singer joke. He really knew how to scat!
Update 2: Sam is the worst person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gs32y/poop_jokes/
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There were two fish in a tank...

One fish said to the other "Who's driving this thing?"
(I know its lame but its the joke our dad has been telling us for years and I thought maybe you guys havn't heard it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gs1sp/there_were_two_fish_in_a_tank/
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Why can't rappers take holidays?

They always forget Tupac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gs1pj/why_cant_rappers_take_holidays/
%
After a freak accident; Zlatan, Messi and Ronaldo enter the kingdom of heaven.

Messi is first to be judged by the lord, God looks upon Messi and says "Messi, you shall sit on my right side" and Messi takes his rightful place.
Ronaldo is next up and God tell him "Ah, Ronaldo, You shall be seated at my left side for eternity"
Then Zlatan walks up and says "Move over, you are in my spot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3grstd/after_a_freak_accident_zlatan_messi_and_ronaldo/
%
What don't they name train stations after astrology signs?

No passenger would ever make it past the terminal Cancer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3grsb3/what_dont_they_name_train_stations_after/
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My wife came back from the doctors really upset today.

"He told me we can't have any sex for two weeks," she sobbed.
"How come?" I said, looking really concerned.
"Because he's going on holiday tonight," she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3grpar/my_wife_came_back_from_the_doctors_really_upset/
%
Pros and cons of guys

Cons: they're dicks
Pros: their dicks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3grdg3/pros_and_cons_of_guys/
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What do you call a mass transit system that also cares deeply about humanitarian work?

A Bonorail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3grb0m/what_do_you_call_a_mass_transit_system_that_also/
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Why did the Hipster order piping hot soup?

He wanted to eat it before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gr5z3/why_did_the_hipster_order_piping_hot_soup/
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Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was a case of the pot calling the cattle back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gr5ka/why_did_the_cows_return_to_the_marijuana_field/
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Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why does he keep making paintings of my parents fighting?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gr39d/who_is_this_rorschach_guy/
%
knock knock jokes

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gr0jq/knock_knock_jokes/
%
Q: What kind of bees produce milk?

A: Boobies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gqxx9/q_what_kind_of_bees_produce_milk/
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What do you call someone who has 6.02 * 10^23 dollars?

A mole-ionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gqw9d/what_do_you_call_someone_who_has_602_1023_dollars/
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gqvgc/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
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How do you say 50 cents name in Zimbabwe?

400 MILLION DOLLARS!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gqth9/how_do_you_say_50_cents_name_in_zimbabwe/
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So three nuns are walking along when a guy with a trench coat steps up to them...

He opens his trench coat and is completely naked underneath.
The first nun exclaims "Ohh my goodness" and has a stroke.
The second nun yells "Well I never" and has a stroke.
The third nun, well the third nun doesn't touch it at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gqsjl/so_three_nuns_are_walking_along_when_a_guy_with_a/
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What do you get a man who has everything?

storage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gqr6r/what_do_you_get_a_man_who_has_everything/
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God's commandments (x-post classic4chan)

God went around the world looking for a nation to give his commandments to.
First he tried the French.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"What's in 'em?"
"Well... There's 'thou shalt not commit adultery."
"No thank you."
God then tried the Romans.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"What's in 'em?"
"Well... There's 'thou shalt not steal."
"No thank you."
Then God tried the Germans.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"What's in 'em?"
"Well... There's 'thou shalt not kill."
"No thank you."
Finally God tried the Jews.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"How much?"
"How much...? Well, eh, technically they're free, but you must maintain-"
"We'll take ten!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gqonf/gods_commandments_xpost_classic4chan/
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Dead Cat

A rich businessman goes on holiday .While he is away his butler sends him a message saying “Cats dead”.
Distraught at the death of his beloved pet the man  returns home and berates the butler for being so callous.
“You should break bad news gently” says the businessman .“If I had been telling you that the cat was dead I’d have written ,”The cat is on the roof and can’t get down”
A few hours later I’d have written “the cat’s fallen off the roof and is badly hurt “
A while later I’d have sent another message saying “The cat has sadly passed away “
“Very good sir “ says the butler “I will remember that in future”
The business man resumes his trip ,books into the hotel and finds that the butler has left him another message,it says
“your mother is on the roof and can’t get down………”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gqf1p/dead_cat/
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(NSFW) Upi Bird

A guy is driving down the highway and realizes he needs to take a shit. He squats on the side of the road, does his thing and is pulling up his pants when he sees a cop car coming. He quickly covers the shit with a hat from his car, and the officer stops and asks what he's doing.
"I caught an Upi bird," he says.
"What's an Upi bird?" The cop asks?
"The fastest bird alive man, and its under my hat. I need help grabbing it so I can sell it to the zoo."
"Alright," the cop says. "Lift the hat and I'll grab it."
The guy lifts the hat and the cop claps down on the big pile of shit and it flies all over him.
Licking his lips, the cop says, "God damn, that bird had time to take that big of a shit and I *still* couldn't catch him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gqdct/nsfw_upi_bird/
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Wall Street stockbroker loses millions in one day....

So he decides to go to the bar after work to drown his sorrows.  He ends up getting really drunk and pukes all over his suit.  He's worried his wife will be pissed when she wakes up the next morning and finds his smelly, vomit soaked clothes.  His friend at the bar explains, "Dude, don't worry that same thing happened to me last weekend.  I just put some money in my pocket and told my wife some idiot at the bar puked all over me and gave me money for the dry cleaning.  She never suspected a thing!"
The next morning when the guy wakes up his wife asks, "Honey, why is there puke all over your clothes?"
He responds, "Some idiot at the bar last night got really drunk and puked all over me, and gave me $20 to pay for the cleaners."
She asks, "Then why is there $40 in your pocket?"
"Well, some other idiot ended up shitting in my pants..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gqbfm/wall_street_stockbroker_loses_millions_in_one_day/
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What did the White crayon say to the Black crayon?

We make a GRAY team!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gq58w/what_did_the_white_crayon_say_to_the_black_crayon/
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The US is having so many disasters and tragedies

Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gq3i8/the_us_is_having_so_many_disasters_and_tragedies/
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A Sea Story

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gq19f/a_sea_story/
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How do programmers like their snacks?

Byte-sized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gpx77/how_do_programmers_like_their_snacks/
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Butcher Shop

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gpwbg/butcher_shop/
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I always thought Hamlet

was the story of a small pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gpw37/i_always_thought_hamlet/
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I auditioned for a TV show for people with broken bones.

I didn't make the cast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gpu7v/i_auditioned_for_a_tv_show_for_people_with_broken/
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How often do I make chemistry jokes?

Periodically. I made one yesterday, but it had no reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gplut/how_often_do_i_make_chemistry_jokes/
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Cheating Husband

A woman who suspects her husband of 20 years to be cheating, decides to hire a private detective.
The PI follows the husband around for several months, taking photos while the husband visits many different women.
After another couple of months, the PI stops by the house to speak to the wife.
PI "yes, it does seem to be true that your husband is having several affairs"
The wife starts sobbing, "but, how, what now?"
PI "I suppose you file for a divorce"
Wife "but i know nothing on how, or what i need, can you help?"
The PI takes out a bunch of folders, labelled, and hands them to the wife.
"No need to worry ma'am, i already have all your husbands affairs in order"
Sorry if anything like this has been done, i thought it up in the shower last night while reminiscing about another joke, i hope it hasn't been done before, this Sub could use some original content for a change

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gpk19/cheating_husband/
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BIG FIGHT

Me and my wife had a huge fight. She told me to pack my bags and get the hell out.
To spite her, I did. I had my 2 bags when I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When at eye level, she says, 'I hope you die a slow and miserable death.''
I reply,'  So, now you want me to stay?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gpj6m/big_fight/
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What is the difference between a dead hooker and spare tire?

I only have one spare tire in my trunk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gpi6z/what_is_the_difference_between_a_dead_hooker_and/
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An old man and his wife go to the fair...

*Sorry for long post, but it's worth it*
They come across a stunt helicopter ride. The old man watches in awe as this helicopter does flips and various other tricks.
"I'd love to go do that!" Says the man.
"But dear," says his wife "it's  $50 and I want our retirement money to last"
"You're right honey." And the man leaves.
They go the the fair again the following year. Again, the helicopter ride is there. The old man looks at his wife with longing in his eyes.
"Fifty bucks is fifty  bucks" says his wife.
He hangs his head and they leave. This goes on for a couple years and each time his wife says "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks"
Then one year the helicopter pilot notice the couple and walks over to them "I've seen you two look at my ride every year and never get on it. Why not."
"Well, sir, the price is a bit steep for our budget."
"Well, in that case how about we make a deal?" The old man looks quizzically "I'll take you up there for free, but the catch is: you can't say a word. One yip or yell and you have to pay up."
The man looks at his wife then back to the pilot "Deal." And his wife sighed.
The old man had a blast. The ride made him feel like a kid again! It was amazing, but he didn't make one peep.
Back on the ground, the pilot says "Wow, I really tried make you scream or say something, but you earned it fair and square."
The old man shrugged "Yeah, I ALMOST said something when Ethel feel out, but...fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gpgly/an_old_man_and_his_wife_go_to_the_fair/
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The Man, The Voice, The Doctor and The Casino !

This is the story of a man who has a pretty classic life. Single, he has a normal job in a bank, and he lives in a normally sized appartment in NYC.
One night, as he is going to sleep, he hears a voice in his head that says : "Quit your job, sell your appartment and all your goods, go to Las Vegas, enter the "Royal Casino" and go to the Roulette : bet everything on the number 11, red color.".
Surprised, he doesn't understand and think it's because he is too tired.
But in the morning, as he wakes up, he hears the voice again in his head saying "Quit your job, sell your appartment and all your goods, go to Las Vegas, enter the "Royal Casino" and go to the Roulette : bet everything on the number 11, red color."
For a complete month, he hears that voice again and again, and gets tired of it, so he decides to go to his doctor.
"Doctor" he said.
"Everyday and night I hear that voice in my head that repeats the same thing, I don't know what to do".
The doctor gives him some medicine and tells him that it's gonna be fine.
Unfortunately, the medicines didn't work, and the voice begins to intensify, talking even during the day : ""Quit your job, sell your appartment and all your goods, go to Las Vegas, enter the "Royal Casino" and go to the Roulette : bet everything on the number 11, red color. DO IT, THIS IS YOUR LIFE, DO IT".
The man is really tired after 6 months of hearing the voice, and he begins to think that after all, this is maybe a sign, his destiny. So he goes to his job, see his boss and quit. He goes to a real estate agent, and sell everything he has in his appartment.
He books a plane ticket to vegas, and goes there only with his suit and his suitcase full of cash.
Arriving there, he hears the voice saying "Go to royal road and enter the royal casino". He did.
As he entered the casino, he hears the voice saying 'Go to the table near the woman in red'.
As he approached, the voice says 'STOP, it's here, I can feel it, this is the winning wheel, the winning roulette, it's time, bet everything on the number 11, red color.'.
The man asks the dealer, and bet everything on the number 11, red color.
The roulette turns, and turns, and turns...
After half a minute later, the roulette eventually stops, and the dealer says, with astonishment :
"9, black".
The man doesn't understand.
And the voice says "Fuck..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gpa8g/the_man_the_voice_the_doctor_and_the_casino/
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Secret to Long Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gpa8d/secret_to_long_life/
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Breast Hypnotist

A woman, self conscious about her small breasts, is complaining to a girlfriend one day when the girlfriend tells her that her own problems where solved buy a corrective hypnotist. "It's easy", she says, "instead of surgery he hypnotizes your breasts!" Doubtful she checks it out. The hypnotist sits her down, puts her in a trance and gives her instructions she'll remember any time she feels self conscious. After the session she leaves and heads to the store. She's shopping when she sees an attractive blonde and suddenly she's compelled to flap her arms and says "Mary had a little chest that made her feel so low, but every time she flapped her arms, her tits began to grow." And just like that they increased in size! A man walks up to her after seeing this and asks "did you go to see that corrective hypnotist guy?" "Yes" she replied "how did you know?" Knocking his knees together he chants "hickory dickory dock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gp9rp/breast_hypnotist/
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Why are Americans so bad at playing Billiard?

Because they always shoot the black ones first...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gp9bj/why_are_americans_so_bad_at_playing_billiard/
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It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gp98y/it_may_be_illegal_to_steal_kitchen_utensils_but/
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Cheerios

An average Cheerio box has three levels. At the top is the realm of the complete, perfect Cheerios. These Cheerios live a life of luxury, with as much food and drink as they want, and little work to do. The second level of the box, the middle layer, is occupied by the imperfect but still mostly whole. These Cheerios have to work to survive, but life is manageable. The lowest level is occupied by the broken, destroyed fragments of Cheerios, that small children refuse to eat, and it is these Cheerios that must fight to survive in the dog-eat-dog world of the lower box.
The protagonist of our story is a Cheerio crumb from the lower box. For the sake of the story, this Cheerio's name is Jake. Jake had been born in the lower box, but had heard stories of the immense wealth of the Cheerios in the top layer. Being a naive young lad, Jake did not understand why he couldn't live up with the whole Cheerios. He dreamed of eating hamburgers and drinking lemonade, of laying around in the sun, He was determined to make it to the top. So one day, he began to climb.
Jake didn't tell his mother where he was going. He began to climb, Up and up he went, climbing to the top. He was determined to reach the top, and so he still climbed long into the night, and through til the next morning. Eventually, he reached the second layer of the box.
"Who the f**k are you?" asked a big Cheerio in the shape of a 'C'
"I'm Jake. and I want to reach the top of the box.' our hero replied earnestly.
"Well, sorry mate, you're not going to" apologised the big Cheerio as he picked up Jake by the collar and threw him back down into the lower section.
Jake fell far, and fell hard. He woke up on the very bottom of the box, and realised that he still wanted to get to the  top.  He began to climb, Up and up he went, climbing to the top. He was determined to reach the top, and so he still climbed long into the night, and through til the next morning. Eventually, he reached the second layer of the box.
"You again?" asked the big Cheerio.
"I really. really want to get to the top" Jake retorted breathlessly.
"Well, if  you really want to get there, how about you stay with me to get your strength back?"  the bigger Cheerio offered.
"I'll take you up on that," Jake said graciously
The bug Cheerio's name was Kevin, and he was a nice guy. He didn't mind the lower downs, and he didn't begrudge the top dwellers their existence. In the morning Jake bid Kevin farewell and began to climb, Up and up he went, climbing to the top. He was determined to reach the top, and so he still climbed long into the night, and through til the next morning. Eventually, he reached the top layer of the box.
"What on earth is a Plebeian like you doing here?" asked a gloriously perfect Cheerio.
"I'm Jake. and I want to reach the top of the box.' our hero replied earnestly.
"Well, tough luck, you're not going to" said the complete Cheerio as he picked up Jake by the collar and threw him back down into the abyss below.
Jake fell very far, and fell  very hard. He woke up on the very bottom of the box, and realised that he still wanted to get to the  top.  He began to climb, Up and up he went, climbing to the top. He was determined to reach the top, and so he still climbed long into the night, and through til the next morning. Eventually, he reached the second layer of the box.
"You have a lot of determination for a young one," Kevin observed "Come on, you can stay with me until you don't look like you've been hit by a train"
Kevin's wife's name was Kay, and she was a bitch. She hated the lower downs, and worshipped the top dwellers. In the morning Jake bid Kevin farewell (after sh*ting in Kay's car)  and began to climb, Up and up he went, climbing to the top. He was determined to reach the top, and so he still climbed long into the night, and through til the next morning. Eventually, he reached the top layer of the box.
"How on earth did you survive that fall?" asked the pompous Cheerio.
"It's only about 20 centimetres" Jake told him.
"True- but to climb all the way back here after... you must be made of special stuff." The complete Cheerio turned around and picked up a card. "This is a visitors card. It allows you to stay up here for a day, and you are allowed to have one drink and one item of food. However, you must leave and never return once this day has finished".
Jake accepted, and set out to explore the top layer. It was everything he'd dreamed and more. They had streets of gold and fields of green. Kittens and puppies played everywhere. Jake happily explored the area until lunchtime, when he decided he wanted to get his food and drink. He approached the hamburger restraunt, but saw that the line went out the door. He decided to get a drink first.
Jake walked over to the lemonade stand, but was shocked to discover that the line was several hundred metres long. He realised he did not have enough time to wait in this line, so he decided to find a different drink. He walked up to one of the Cheerios in the lemonade line.
"Excuse me sir," Jake said nervously.
:"What is it, plebeian?" the higher class Cheerio  asked haughtily.
"I was wondering where the punch line was," Jake suggested.
The posh Cheerio thought for a second, "I'm sorry, son, but there is no punchline"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gp6s9/cheerios/
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Two engineers meet each other on their way into work

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it.
"Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'"
"Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gp0eq/two_engineers_meet_each_other_on_their_way_into/
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I know...

A 3rd grader really wants the new Pokemon game, but needs thirty bucks to get it. He tells his friend at school about his problem and his friend says, "Look, there's this awesome trick you can do to get money whenever you want. Just go up to an adult, look them in the eyes, and say, 'I know.' You'll get the money in no time."The third grader has his doubts, but decides to try it out on his mom when he gets home.
So he gets home, walks up to her, looks her in the eyes and stares for a bit. She says, "What is it, Honey? Did something happen at school?"
He keeps staring at her and says, "I Know."
A bit worriedly, she goes to her purse, pulls out $20 bucks and says, "Listen, Sweetheart. There are some things you just won't understand until you're older, but it's important that you don't tell daddy. Okay?" The third grader can't believe it worked. He grabs the money and runs away to go try it out on his dad.
He finds his dad upstairs and tries it again. He locks eyes and says, "I Know." The dad has the exact same reaction as the mom. He pulls out his wallet, hands him $20 and says, "Don't tell you're mother. You'll get it when you're older."
At this point, the kid is ecstatic. He can't believe it actually works, and he has the money for his game. He's so excited that he decides to try it on the next adult he sees to get even more money.
Sure enough, the doorbell rings soon after, so the boy runs down the stairs and finds the mailman there. The boy locks eyes with him and says, "I Know," to which the mailman responds, "Well Shit! Then come give your Daddy a hug!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gow1n/i_know/
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Why are there no good jokes about men?

Because they were written by women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gov05/why_are_there_no_good_jokes_about_men/
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What do you call an unemployed classical musician?

Baroque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gouf1/what_do_you_call_an_unemployed_classical_musician/
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I heard about this one place with red signs that thanked drivers for slowing down...

...but when I drove by, everything was blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gokud/i_heard_about_this_one_place_with_red_signs_that/
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How does a mathematician cure constipation?

How does a mathematician cure her constipation?
She works it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3goja6/how_does_a_mathematician_cure_constipation/
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A Pastor, a Doctor, and an Engineer...

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.
The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.
The group is silent for a moment.
The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gog3a/a_pastor_a_doctor_and_an_engineer/
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A guy walks into a bar with a gun

he says "Which one of you bastards fucked my wife?" and a small voice from the back of the room says "You haven't got enough bullets"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gofc4/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_gun/
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What's a rappers shirt made out of?

Strait out of cotton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3goeab/whats_a_rappers_shirt_made_out_of/
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My dad has a great idea for Donald Trump's campaign slogan.

"Vote for me in 2016 or there'll be hell toupée."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3go91p/my_dad_has_a_great_idea_for_donald_trumps/
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How can you find a blind guy at a nude beach?

Oh come on, it's not hard...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3go8mh/how_can_you_find_a_blind_guy_at_a_nude_beach/
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Why don't Baptist's have sex standing up?

It could lead to dancing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3go5oa/why_dont_baptists_have_sex_standing_up/
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A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necromaniac, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are sitting around...

And for some reason they are talking about cats.
The zoophile says, "let's get a cat and have sex with it".
The sadist agrees, "yes! Let's screw it and the torture it!"
Then the murderer chimes in, "we can fuck it, torture it, and then kill it!"
Next the necrophiliac says, "ok! We can screw it, torture it, murder it, and then fuck it again!"
The pyromaniac jumps in, "we'll fuck it, torture it, kill it, fuck it again and then set it on fire!"
All of them now excited turn to the masochist. He looks at the group and says... "meow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3go5bw/a_zoophile_a_sadist_a_murderer_a_necromaniac_a/
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The Old Man and the Peanuts

There was an old man whose family could no longer take care of him. So the family decided that a nursing would be appropriate. Of course the old man rejected the idea, but his family persuaded him it was the best thing he could do.
On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely.  Eventually, an orderly stopped by to see how the old man's first day was going.
"How you doing today?" she asked the old man, "I see it's your first day." The old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation continued, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of shelled peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and helped herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. Finally, she looked at her watch and noticed that nearly two hours had passed. "My goodness," she said, "The time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here, too."
"That's okay," said the old man, "I feel much better being able to talk to someone."
Looking at the bowl of peanuts the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!"
The old man responded, "That's okay.  Ever since I got these false teeth, all I can do was suck the chocolate off them anyhow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3go53x/the_old_man_and_the_peanuts/
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Why Can't Atheists Solve Exponential Equations?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3go2lz/why_cant_atheists_solve_exponential_equations/
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What's one of the worst things you can come across when surfing the web?

Your keyboard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gnyya/whats_one_of_the_worst_things_you_can_come_across/
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Why does Santa Clause have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gny4c/why_does_santa_clause_have_such_a_big_sack/
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Baseball in heaven

Two men, John and Joe, had loved baseball their entire lives and in their old age they would talk about whether or not there was baseball in heaven. They both agreed that whoever died first had to come back and give the other an answer. Joe passed away at the age of 86, and John anxiously awaited for an answer to the question they had always wondered about. One day when John was sitting in his living room, Joe's ghost appeared and said "JOHN! I got some great news and some bad news! The good news is there's baseball in heaven and all the greats are up there!" John was ecstatic but of course he had to ask Joe what the bad news was, to which Joe responded "Well, the bad news John, is that you're the starting pitcher for the game on Thursday".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gnxon/baseball_in_heaven/
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Some people tell me I use contractions wrong ...

It's what it's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gnwh9/some_people_tell_me_i_use_contractions_wrong/
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I lost a finger in an accident today. It sucks but on the other hand...

I still have all five.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gnvhk/i_lost_a_finger_in_an_accident_today_it_sucks_but/
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In exchange for eternal youth, Amanda promised a witch her firstborn child.

Amanda's a lesbian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gnsf3/in_exchange_for_eternal_youth_amanda_promised_a/
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Three nuns waiting to get into heaven..

So three Nuns await at the pearly white gates to get into heaven. St. Peter tells them that they must each answer one question each correctly before being allowed in.
St. Peter: First nun, your question is, who was the first man on the planet?
First Nun: Oh that's an easy one, Adam!
St. Peter: That's correct you may enter! Second Nun, your question is, who was the first woman on the planet?
Second Nun: Well that was Eve of course!
St. Peter: That is correct, you may also enter. Now third Nun your question is, what were the first words Eve spoke to Adam.
Third Nun: (Puzzled) Oh wow that's a hard one.....
St. Peter: That's correct you may enter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gnpf7/three_nuns_waiting_to_get_into_heaven/
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(Nsfw)What must a vampire ask before he has sex?

Is it alright if I cum inside?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gnliw/nsfwwhat_must_a_vampire_ask_before_he_has_sex/
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[NSFW] Granddad and Grandson are out fishing

Granddad and Grandson are out fishing. Granddad reaches into his overall bib pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
Grandson looks on and says "Granddad, can I have one?"
Granddad taken back by the question fumbles for a response and asks "we'll grandson, umm can you dick touch your ass hole?"
Just as stunned by Granddads response the Grandson shaking his head answers "umm no Granddad it can't"
Granddad quickly responds "well Grandson, that means your not old enough"
Grandson slumps forward bummed and confused.
A few minutes pass and Granddad cracks open a dirty cooler pawing through the ice and water and pulls out a beer. Slams the cooler lid and with one hand pulls the tab and starts drinking.
Grandson asks again "Granddad, can I have one?"
Granddad smiles and responds "well Grandson, can your dick touch your ass hole?"
Grandson's head falls as he responds "NO Granddad it can't"
Granddad smiles and shrugs his shoulders and again says "well that means your not old enough"
About 10 minutes go by and the Grandson remembers about the cookies Grandma had packed him. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out an Oreo, twists it in two and eats one half.
Granddad notices and asks "Hey Grandson, can Granddad have a cookie?"
Grandson thinks for a minute and replies "well Granddad, can your dick touch your ass hole?"
Granddad sits up all straight with a smile and says "why yes Grandson it sure can"
Grandson pulls the bag of cookies tight to his chest and yells "well then GO FUCK YOURSELF"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gnig4/nsfw_granddad_and_grandson_are_out_fishing/
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My wife wanted me to get one of those penis enlargers- so I did...

...she's 21 and her name's Cathy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gnfku/my_wife_wanted_me_to_get_one_of_those_penis/
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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gn8dd/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
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What is large, grey and sings great jazz songs?

Elephants Gerald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gn7p7/what_is_large_grey_and_sings_great_jazz_songs/
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Why did the Duck flying in the sky get Shot?

Michael J Fox was hunting rabbits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gn5bz/why_did_the_duck_flying_in_the_sky_get_shot/
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Girl's are like blackjack

I'm always hoping for 21 but I keep hitting on 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gn4dw/girls_are_like_blackjack/
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What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gn445/what_would_george_washington_do_if_he_were_alive/
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A priest is giving confession

one afternoon. He has to use the bathroom and can't hold it any longer. He peeks out of the confessional and, thankfully, sees Mike, the maintenence man.
"Psst, hey Mike, come here."
"Yes, Father, what can I do for you?"
"Well", said the priest, "I have to use the bathroom in the worst kind of way. Can you please sit in for me while I'm gone? It's been a slow day anyways and I doubt anyone will need confession while I'm gone."
"Oh Father, I don't think I can do this." said Mike.
"I'm begging you. I would not ask had it not be an emergency." pleaded the priest.
"Ok Father, I'll do it. But, what do I do in case someone comes in for confession?"
"No problem, Mike. Just listen to what they say, tell them to go out and say a couple Our Father's and Hail Mary's then send them on their way."
"Ok Father, but hurry back."
Sure enough, as soon as the priest leaves someone enters the confessional!
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I had anal sex." they confessed.
"Oh my God, what do I do now?" thought Mike.
Panicking, Mike opened the door and looked out the confessional hoping, praying he'd see Father.
No Father but, ah ha!, an altar boy was approaching!
"Hey kid, come here, quick. Listen, what does Father give for anal sex?"
The altar boy looks at Mike and says "He usually gives me a Snickers and a Coke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gn3df/a_priest_is_giving_confession/
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food but no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gn200/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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Shoes from a drug dealer

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gmyar/shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
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"Just a Head"

So there was once a child and he had a terrible, terrible birth defect where he was only a head. On his 21st Birthday, his father took him to bar to get his first drink and of course the bodiless kid was excited to get drunk for the first time. The father places his son on the bar and orders him a beer. The bartender obliges and the father feeds his son a beer. All of a sudden, A TORSO SPROUTS OUT OF HIS HEAD. The bartender, the father, and everyone in the bar is going crazy at this point. The bartender gives him another beer, ARMS sprout from the newly acquired torso! The bar is a mad house. One more beer and LEGS COME OUT OF THE TORSO! He's now dancing around using his new legs for the first time. Of course he's never used legs before, and he is a little tipsy so he accidentally stumbles outside and gets hit by a truck and dies.
The Bartender looks at the father and says, "He should have quit while he was a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gmuko/just_a_head/
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What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen?

A Moss-cow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gmqtv/what_do_you_call_a_russian_bovine_covered_in/
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Inception joke

A taxi driver picks up a girl from a club and has to take her home. As the ride was quite long he asks her if she wants to hear a joke. She says yes and he starts:
" One day God sent Saint Peter down to Earth to perform a statistic of how many girls between 15 and 25 years old are still virgins. Saint Peter takes months to gather the information and compile the results and then he comes back. There were only 7 virgins in the whole world with age between 15 and 25 years. God was surprised. Saint Peter suggested to do something nice for those 7 girls to reward them for their purity and strength of character that allowed them not to give into temptation. God thought about it and decided to send each of them a card with a few meaningful Godly words."
He then turned to the girl and asked:
- Do you know what the card said?
- What? the girl asked
- Hm, so you did not receive one ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gmqm4/inception_joke/
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Scientists have discovered what a woman wants.

But she changed her mind the next second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gmoqh/scientists_have_discovered_what_a_woman_wants/
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I don't know if I can get hard I just got laid this morning!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gmm1q/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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What do they call a list of athletes in Jamaica?

A rasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gmlwk/what_do_they_call_a_list_of_athletes_in_jamaica/
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What can you say about a car and not a girl/your gf?

It's easy to turn on, and even though it's eleven,  I still love her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gml5t/what_can_you_say_about_a_car_and_not_a_girlyour_gf/
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Oscar Pistorius is soon getting out of jail. 10 months without sex, you should hide, ladies.

But for the love of God, not in the bathroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gmksu/oscar_pistorius_is_soon_getting_out_of_jail_10/
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I wasted my time on this so I thought I'd waste yours. (Too long for Reddit, split into comments)

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.
He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.
He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.
Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.
He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.
He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.
After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.
He walks through the sand.
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.
But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.
Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.
Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.
He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.
He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.
Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.
Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"
He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.
Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.
And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.
He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.
He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.
He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.
He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"
He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"
He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.
"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.
"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!
"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"
"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."
"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"
"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.
"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."
"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.
"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.
"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.
"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.
"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"
"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.
"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."
"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"
"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.
"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"
"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"
"Yeah, they do," said Jack.
"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.
Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"
Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.
"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"
"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.
"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."
"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"
"Right," nodded Nate.
"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.
"That takes two requests, Jack."
"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"
"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."
"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"
"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.
"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"
"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.
Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.
"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"
Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?
Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...
Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...
Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."
"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."
"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"
"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."
"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.
"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"
"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."
"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.
"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.
"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.
"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."
"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.
Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.
"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.
Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.
Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!
Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."
"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."
Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"
"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."
"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"
"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."
"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.
"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."
"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.
"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.
"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"
"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.
"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.
"Why not?" asked Jack.
"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.
"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."
"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.
"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"
"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.
Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"
"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"
Nate continued to grin.
"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"
"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."
"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.
"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.
Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"
"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."
"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"
"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"
"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.
"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"
"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."
"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.
Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."
Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.
Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"
"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."
"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"
"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."
"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.
"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.
"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"
"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."
"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.
Nate watched him, waiting.
"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"
Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."
"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.
Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"
"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"
"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."
"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.
Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.
"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.
[To the Comments!!!]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gmj0s/i_wasted_my_time_on_this_so_i_thought_id_waste/
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How is a woman like a condom?

The both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gmgsq/how_is_a_woman_like_a_condom/
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I'm most productive at work when I'm in the bathroom.

It's where I get shit done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gmgfa/im_most_productive_at_work_when_im_in_the_bathroom/
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If a midget smokes weed, does he get high or medium?

Might have been on here about a thousand times.. If so
[Boobs for concellation](http://img.izismile.com/img/img7/20140813/640/the_world_would_be_a_worse_place_without_boobs_640_01.jpg)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gmfwr/if_a_midget_smokes_weed_does_he_get_high_or_medium/
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Two nuns are pulled into the forest [NSFW]

In the forest, two guys start fucking them.
One of the nuns prays to God:
"Please forgive this man, as he doesn't know what he's doing."
The other nun says, happily:
"Oohhhh, but this one does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gma5r/two_nuns_are_pulled_into_the_forest_nsfw/
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I got an empty fortune cookie the other day.

It was unfortunate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gm3zu/i_got_an_empty_fortune_cookie_the_other_day/
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A hole was discovered in the fence of a nudist community.

Police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gm3ek/a_hole_was_discovered_in_the_fence_of_a_nudist/
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A guy gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun.

He approaches her and dishes out a few pick up lines trying to score with her. The nun is shocked and appalled and gets off the bus immediatly.
The bus driver saw the whole spectacle and calls the guy over to him. He says "I know that nun. I see her every night while driving my route. Every night she is at the graveyard, praying. If you really want to have sex with her, just dress up as jesus, go there at night and tell her she HAS TO have sex with you!"
"Sounds like a solid plan" thinks the guy and decides to go through with it.
He dresses up as jesus, goes to the graveyard and finds the nun there. He approaches her and says "Behold! It is I, Jesus Christ! I order you to have sex with me!". The nun looks suprised and flustered and says "Of course my lord! Whatever you say! But could we  please do it anally? I want to preserve my virginity."
"Even better!" thinks the guy, and they proceed to have sex like wild animals.
After they are finished the guy jumps up laughing, rips off his fake beard and says "Ha! Got you! I'm not jesus! I'm that guy from the bus!"
The nun replies "Ha! Got you! I'm not the nun! I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gm3ck/a_guy_gets_on_a_bus_and_sees_a_really_hot_nun/
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What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes *whack* "damn" and a bad skydiver goes "damn" *whack*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gm2qt/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
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Why do farmers put bells on cows?

Because their horns dont work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gm2l8/why_do_farmers_put_bells_on_cows/
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Ronda Rousey says she'd beat Floyd Mayweather in a 'no rules fight'.

Mayweather says he'd beat Rousey if they were married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gm0n2/ronda_rousey_says_shed_beat_floyd_mayweather_in_a/
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A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery....

Several carloads of family members pulled followed in a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passerby remarked, "That guy must have been an avid fisherman".
"Oh, he still is." replied a mourner. "He's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3glxn8/a_funeral_procession_pulled_into_a_cemetery/
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A man suffers from Blepharospasm (constant, uncontrollable winking) in one eye...

he complains to a friend that it gives him the most awful head aches.  His friend asks, why don't you just get some aspirin from the pharmacy.  He replies, I do, but every time I ask the pharmacist for an aspirin he gives me a packet of condoms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3glxh1/a_man_suffers_from_blepharospasm_constant/
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Three men are kidnapped by cannibals while in the forest..

Three men were walking in a forest one day when they were kidnapped by a group of cannibals. They plead for the tribe leader to let them, and finally he struck them a deal. If they could complete a challenge of his, then they could walk free.
For the first part of the challenge, the chieftain asked the three men to go back into the forest and find 10 fruit of any kind, provided that all 10 were the same type of fruit. So each man went into the forest and started looking.
Soon, the first man returned to the chieftain carrying 10 plums. The chief then told him the next part of his task: the man had to stick all 10 fruits up his ass. If he made any sound, then he would fail and be killed. Desperate to save himself, the poor man agreed. One plum went up, and then another without a sound, but on the third plum the man cried out in pain and was killed.
The second man came along later, carrying 10 small blueberries. When the chief explained the same task to him, the man sighed in relief, as blueberries would be no big deal. So he started sticking them in, and breezed through the first 7. But on the 8th berry, he burst out laughing and was killed and eaten.
So the first and second guy met up in heaven, and the first asked the second: "What happened down there? You almost made it and then you just started laughing? "
The second guy, with tears of laughter in his eyes, said "I couldn't help it - I saw the last guy coming with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3glx64/three_men_are_kidnapped_by_cannibals_while_in_the/
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A CEO, his American employee, and an immigrant applicant are sitting at a table with a box of 20 cookies...

A CEO, his American employee, and an immigrant applicant are sitting at a table with a box of 20 cookies.
The CEO takes 19 cookies, then whispers to the American employee, "Watch out, I think that Mexican is going to try and take your cookie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gltv3/a_ceo_his_american_employee_and_an_immigrant/
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I'm Friends with a Really Poor Guy

He's been down on his luck lately, so he told me that he had to become a male prostitute to make ends meet.  One day, he walked up to me and said that he made a really good amount of money the night before.
Me: How much did you make?
Him: I made $250.05.
Me: Who on earth gave you 5 cents?
Him: Everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gls10/im_friends_with_a_really_poor_guy/
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My shiny watch has had a peaceful life...

...it's always had the time to reflect upon itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3glrj5/my_shiny_watch_has_had_a_peaceful_life/
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So a pirate walks into a bar...

So a pirate walks into a bar.  The bartender notices he has a large ship wheel on what looks like his belt buckle.  The pirate tries to sit at the bar, but the wheel is too large for him to be able to comfortably sit.  The bartender says, "Hey, you're having trouble because of that wheel on your crotch."  The pirate replies, "Aye.  It's drivin' me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3glpuj/so_a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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Two Swedes live across the street from one another in a small town in Manitoba...

Their names are Ollie and Sven. One morning, Sven is eating his Shreddies for breakfast and looks out the front window into Ollie's yard. Ollie has a sign out front that says "Boat for sale." Sven goes over to Ollie's house and says, "Eh, Ollie, what's this sign here? You don't even own a boat! All you have is this 'ere tractor an' that pickup truck over 'der."
"Aw yah," says Ollie, "and they're boat fer sale."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3glp2a/two_swedes_live_across_the_street_from_one/
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A traffic officer stopped a car on a highway.

The windows rolled down and he saw a very old lady on the driver's seat. He said "Ma'am why are you moving so slowly; you are jamming the whole highway". To this she replied, "But officer the sign mentions the speed limit as 40". The officer looks at the sign, laughs and says, "That's not the speed limit. That's the route number. The speed limit is 70". The lady on realizing her mistake apologizes to the officer and thanks him for correcting her. The officer was about to go, but he notices a young boy in the back of the car, sweating and shivering. He asks, "Is he okay? Do you need any medical assistance?" The lady shrugs her head ans says, "He's fine. We just arrived from route 120".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3glngv/a_traffic_officer_stopped_a_car_on_a_highway/
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I had to get a Mastectomy last year...

Whew, glad I got that off my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3glmv2/i_had_to_get_a_mastectomy_last_year/
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A boy and his baseball glove.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here now," the priest says.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3glli7/a_boy_and_his_baseball_glove/
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I always cry before talking to attractive girls

Any tips against pepper spray?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3glkkl/i_always_cry_before_talking_to_attractive_girls/
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A man told his friends 10 puns to make them laugh...

No pun in ten did

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3glih3/a_man_told_his_friends_10_puns_to_make_them_laugh/
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Everybody knows Bubba

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Argentina, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
TL;DR: Bubba proves to his boss that he knows everyone. His boss faints when someone in Vatican City knows the Bubba, but not the Pope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3glhvl/everybody_knows_bubba/
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Why are Saturday and Sunday strong?

Because all the other days are week days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3glho3/why_are_saturday_and_sunday_strong/
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I recently bought a dog from a Blacksmith...

And as soon as I got him into the house he made a bolt for the door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3glc20/i_recently_bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith/
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A young child says to his mother...

"Mom, when I'm a grown-up I want to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't be both."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gl8fh/a_young_child_says_to_his_mother/
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I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job...

after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gl78b/i_just_read_that_a_veteran_policeman_has_been/
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Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night

.  So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.  Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.  I’m scared.  I think I’m going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.  Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." "Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gl6f8/ever_since_i_was_a_child_ive_always_had_a_fear_of/
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A man is walking by a prison....

...when he sees a midget climbing out one of the cells at the top of the prison. The midget is climbing down a rope when he turns around and sees the man on the street. The midget flips off the men and continues to climb down the rope.
The man says to himself, "Wow, that's a little condescending."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gl6a2/a_man_is_walking_by_a_prison/
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A professor is giving his class a lesson about languages.

He says, "In some languages, a double negative stays negative, while in English, a double negative becomes a positive. There is no language, however, where a double positive becomes a negative."
A student at the back of the class says, "Yeah, right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gl5rk/a_professor_is_giving_his_class_a_lesson_about/
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Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real bad.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'
'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the
other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said.
'My God. That was even tighter.'
'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gl5nh/royal_wedding/
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Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gl4cx/redneck_divorce/
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If the Mexicans are taking all of the jobs, then why do Koreans still rule the nail salons?

Because Tu is better than Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gl04h/if_the_mexicans_are_taking_all_of_the_jobs_then/
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I was out shopping the other day and I really needed the toilet

I sat down and a guy in the cubicle next to me said;
"Alright mate"
"Erm, yeah" I replied.
"What you up to?" he asked.
"I'm just taking a shit, what are you up to?" I said.
There was a brief pause and then I heard him say:
"Let me call you back in a minute mate, some cunt in the cubicle next to me is answering all my questions".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gl02f/i_was_out_shopping_the_other_day_and_i_really/
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How do you know if you're sitting in a gay bar?

If someone comes up behind you and offers to push your stool in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gkyn2/how_do_you_know_if_youre_sitting_in_a_gay_bar/
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So I met a Pirate...

- Mobile user, please excuse phrasing.
So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it.
"Can I ask how you got the peg leg?".
"Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying for land, when a giant shark came up out of the briny and took me leg clean off!"
"WOW! That's quite a tale!" I said, "and what about you hand?"
"Aye," he continued,  "I was on the lower deck, inspecting the cannons, when a giant squid reached up through the porthole and tore me hand clean off!"
"UNBELIEVABLE", I said, and I had to know more. "So what about your eye?"
"Arr, twas not long after the squid, I was back on deck preparing to invade a small clipper ship, when a bird flew over and shit right in me eye!"
"Wow and that cost you your eye?"
"No, it was me first day with the hook..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gkx2s/so_i_met_a_pirate/
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A kid is a painting prodigy.

He draws a 100 dollar bill on the floor of the classroom; his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up, and calls his father.
In the parent teacher meeting she complains from the kid and explains what happened, the father replies:
"You got lucky! at home he drew a vagina on the power outlet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gkpkw/a_kid_is_a_painting_prodigy/
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What's the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gkp3t/whats_the_difference_between_a_sharply_dressed/
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I used to think an ocean of soda existed...

but it was just a Fanta sea!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gkl3t/i_used_to_think_an_ocean_of_soda_existed/
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Wife and Husband

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gkgfa/wife_and_husband/
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A recent worldwide survey showed...

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 7,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gkgb9/a_recent_worldwide_survey_showed/
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If Trump becomes president...

there'll be hell toupee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gk9t9/if_trump_becomes_president/
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When I was a kid my English teacher looked my way and said, "name two pronouns."

I said, " who, me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gk89s/when_i_was_a_kid_my_english_teacher_looked_my_way/
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The Music Major

A student has a music major final due, he must compose a symphony.
Out of time, he decides to go to the library to find sheet music and simply write it backwards and submit it as his own. He looks through the stacks and finds one from his very professor when he was a student. He copies it down very fast and doesnt even have a look before substituting it.
Days later, he gets an F. He asks his professor if the music was no good. The professor says it's the best he's ever heard, but wasn't sure why he thought he could get away with submitting Beethoven's 9th symphony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gk6ub/the_music_major/
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How do you know if you're at a gay barbecue?

The hotdogs taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gk38t/how_do_you_know_if_youre_at_a_gay_barbecue/
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That Son-Of-A-Bitch!

A sexy lady walks in for confession. Distraught, in tears, and obviously vulnerable, the horny priest rushes to the confessional to take advantage.
Sexy lady: “Forgive me father for I have sinned…”
Horny priest: “What is your sin my child?” (he runs his lustful eyes up and down her voluptuous body)
Sexy lady: “I called a man, a Son-Of-A-Bitch!”
Horny priest: “Oh, there’s no reason for someone to call anyone a Son-Of-A-Bitch.” (He reaches through an opening between them and places his sweaty hand on her exposed knee)
Sexy lady: “But father, he kissed me!”
Horny priest: “Like this my child?!” (he opens the partition and swoops in for a kiss).
Sexy lady: “Yes, yes! Just like that.”
Horny priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a Son-Of-A-Bitch.”
Sexy Lady: “But father, he groped me!”
Horny priest: “Like this my child?!” (he gropes her swollen breasts, and continues to kiss her)
Sexy lady: “Yes! yes! yes father, just like that.”
Horny priest: “That’s no reason to call any man a Son-Of-A-Bitch.”
Sexy lady: “But father, he touched me!”
Horny priest: “Like this my child?!” (he reaches under her skirt and fondles her)
Sexy lady: “Yes, yes, just like that!”
Horny priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a Son-Of-A-Bitch”
Sexy lady: “But father, he… he had sex with me!”
Horny priest: "Like this my child?!"
The horny priest leaps onto her and proceeds to have rough sinful sex with her. The priest finishes and collects himself…
Horny priest: “That is NO Reason, AT ALL, to call ANY man, a Son-Of-A-Bitch!”
Sexy lady: “But father, he has AIDS.”
Horny priest: “THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gjwd1/that_sonofabitch/
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Toast at a Wedding

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.
"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gjrrx/toast_at_a_wedding/
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My favorite sex position is the JFK...

I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gjrdq/my_favorite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
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Shipwrecked

After a shipwreck a young sailor an old man and his hot young trophy wife all make it to a deserted island. The sailor says Im going to climb up that palm tree and see if there is any one out there looking for us. He climbs up the tree and when he get to the top he looks down and yells "hey cut that out you cant be doing that." He climbs down and tells the old man "Im trying to get us help and you to are down here fucking makes it very hard to concentrate." The old man, flustered, says  "I swear we were just here watching nothing happened", to which the sailor replies "oh yeah you climb up and have a look then". The old man climbs the tree and when he gets to the top he looks down and says "huh, sure does look like theyre fuckin down there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gjr23/shipwrecked/
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I hate when people ask me what I'm see myself doing in 5 years...

Its not like I have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gjlop/i_hate_when_people_ask_me_what_im_see_myself/
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I would.

What kind of idiot would put the punchline in the title?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gjjgb/i_would/
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(NSFW) Guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm...

He walks up to his wife and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking!"
Wife: "That's a duck."
Guy: "I was talking to the duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gjiop/nsfw_guy_walks_into_his_house_with_a_duck_under/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A ripoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gjd6u/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Have you heard the rumor about butter?

Nevermind... I wouldn't want to spread it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gjb2x/have_you_heard_the_rumor_about_butter/
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A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Edit 2: 3000+!!!!!!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gjaif/a_young_man_goes_into_a_drugstore_to_buy_condoms/
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but  you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gj807/a_man_is_flying_in_a_hot_air_balloon/
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A king had ten loyal, trusted knights...

... each named for a number from one, of course, to ten. These knights were the strongest, bravest, and smartest warriors in the kingdom.
One day, the princess's favourite necklace went missing. The king was outraged, as he himself had given the necklace to his daughter for her birthday. He called the ten knights into his throne room and told them that they each had to come up with a theory as to where the jewels had gone, or he would have them beheaded.
"Ser One!" he roared after a minute. "What do you think happened to the necklace?" The first knight was caught off guard. He stammered and stuttered for a moment and finally came up with something.
"Well, my liege, perhaps... perhaps a masked bandit snuck into her room, took the necklace, and ran off, never to be seen again!"
The king scoffed. "Preposterous! Her guards would catch such a man. An answer is an answer, though, so your head is safe for now."
Sir One sighed in relief.
"Sir Two!" the king demanded. "What do you think?"
The second knight had had more time to think than Sir One, and he had hatched a cunning plan. "I believe – nay, I am *certain* that one of those very guards took her necklace while she slept!" he declared, for Sir Two held a grudge against the princess's guards. The king nodded and said that he would consider this possibility.
The king continued in this fashion, questioning each knight in order. After Sir Two's utter confidence, the knights all behaved as though they were completely sure of their answers, even if they were just trying to save their heads! Little did he know that one of his knights had, in fact, told him the truth... but who was it?
...
It was the tenth knight, because he was *Sir Ten!*
(I'm so sorry. I was exhausted when I came up with this)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gj59p/a_king_had_ten_loyal_trusted_knights/
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Save yourself from a sexual harassment case.

If a fellow employee asks, "Do you know a place I can get Off?". They may just need some bug spray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gj07f/save_yourself_from_a_sexual_harassment_case/
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How would you tell if the Queen was stoned?

Her Highness will tell you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gizn6/how_would_you_tell_if_the_queen_was_stoned/
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What's the difference between a German and a Scot?

The German knows when he's not speaking English.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3giyx5/whats_the_difference_between_a_german_and_a_scot/
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Why did the cattle leave the marijuana field?

Because the steaks were too high!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3giwx1/why_did_the_cattle_leave_the_marijuana_field/
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I burned 1000 calories today...

Forgot I had a pizza in the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3givng/i_burned_1000_calories_today/
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What's the difference between sex and a corporation?

In sex the person on top does most of the work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3giu1r/whats_the_difference_between_sex_and_a_corporation/
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So the next door neighbours dog would not stop barking.

So one day this guy has a big win on a horse race and goes for a few drinks to celebrate, after a few too many pints decides he has had enough of this dog barking across the wall from next door every night. So he marches up to his neighbours door and offers to buy the dog for a big wad of notes. The neighbour accepts the cash and the guy brings the dog home where his wife was in the kitchen. “What are you going to do with that dog." she asks.
“I will let him live in the garden so that dick next door has to listen to MY dog barking all night” he replied

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3girjo/so_the_next_door_neighbours_dog_would_not_stop/
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What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

One goes WHACK! "Dang it!"
The other goes "Dang it!" WHACK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3giqnw/whats_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
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After my friend passed away I got his sibling a parrot to soften the blow.

I also taught it to say, "Dave, it's your brother. Reincarnation is real!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3giq3g/after_my_friend_passed_away_i_got_his_sibling_a/
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Sexual Pleasure is like a gas station

Sometimes you just fill up and leave
Sometimes you do none of the work
Sometimes you have to pay the person filling
Most of the time you end up at a Self Serve

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3giohe/sexual_pleasure_is_like_a_gas_station/
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Took my wife to the doctors today...... (nsfw)

to help with her tourettes syndrome. Turns out she doesnt have it at all, I really am a cunt and I do need to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ginmw/took_my_wife_to_the_doctors_today_nsfw/
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There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens. How many didn't?

Ten of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gimop/there_are_thirty_cows_and_twenty_eight_chickens/
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Confessional

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gimd8/confessional/
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A man breaks his foot and goes to the doctor...

The doctor put a cast on the foot and told the man to take it easy. The man asked the doctor, "Will I be able to play violin?"
Confused, the doctor replied, "Yes, you should be able to play the violin."
The man said, "Neat! I've never been able to play it before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gilip/a_man_breaks_his_foot_and_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Asian STD

A businessman goes to Asia for a businesstrip.  While there, he hires and bangs a hot Asian hooker.
After coming back home, he realizes that something's wrong with his junk.  He goes to a doctor and the doctor says "I'm sorry sir, but you have Asian STD.  There's no cure and we can only amputate."
He went to several other doctors, all of which said the same thing.  Finally, he goes to an Asian doctor.  He shows him his junk.  The Asian doctor says "Ahhh, you have Asian STD."
"Yeah, yeah, I know.  What can I do for it?  Do I have to amputate?"
"Amputate?  No, no, that the probrem with American doctah, all they want is cut cut cut, more money, more money.  No need to cut."
"So we don't have to amputate?"
"No, dick fall off in two weeks."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gihme/asian_std/
%
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gic8p/where_do_you_see_yourself_in_5_years/
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I have just became a proud father! :)

My son's actually just turned 4, but he was an annoying little cunt for the first 3 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gia67/i_have_just_became_a_proud_father/
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A brunette tells her blonde friend that she can finally say that she's slept with a Brazilian.

The blonde looks shocked and says, "OMG, how many is a Brazilian???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gi7yu/a_brunette_tells_her_blonde_friend_that_she_can/
%
19 and 20 had a fight.

21.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gi5m7/19_and_20_had_a_fight/
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An Irishman is at JFK airport in New York

He is standing over a broken whiskey bottle and crying. A security guard approaches him and asks what's wrong. The Irishman wipes away his tears and says, "I LOST ALL ME LUGGAGE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gi1ex/an_irishman_is_at_jfk_airport_in_new_york/
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Two player prison game

Prisoner One: Do you want to play the rape game?
Prisoner Two: No!
Prisoner One: That's the spirit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gi08n/two_player_prison_game/
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“Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!”

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, “Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!”
He asks the bartender, “What’s this ‘test’ you have?”
The bartender says, “Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who’s never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her.”
Laughing, the man exclaims, “Well that sounds like the stupidest test I’ve ever heard of!”
He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. “Ok bartender! Let’s do this test!”
The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequilla, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely.
He stares at the bartender and says, “Ok bartender, where’s the girl with the sore tooth?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ghxv4/free_beer_for_life_if_you_can_pass_our_test/
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What do you call a soldier who survived pepper spray and mustard gas?

A seasoned veteran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ghwcl/what_do_you_call_a_soldier_who_survived_pepper/
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An old man was asking God:

"God, how much time do I have until I'll die?"
And God answered: "Nine."
"God, is that you? What do you mean? Nine months? Nine years?"
"Eight, seven, six..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ghtqk/an_old_man_was_asking_god/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ghp9g/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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I don't think that's a drool stain.

A pretty young girl goes into a her local dry-cleaners with an evening dress under her arm.  She shows the dress to the old man behind the counter and asks
"It's really not too dirty except for this one stain, can you take care of the stain for me, please?"
The old man is hard of hearing and says
"Come again?"
The girl replies
"No, just some mustard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ghnd0/i_dont_think_thats_a_drool_stain/
%
What do you call a Mexican melon?

A cantelopez!
Came up with this on all by myself. I'm a new Dad, so I feel as if I've significantly leveled up my Dad Joke ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ghma3/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_melon/
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So, Satan goes to a church...

Everyone in the congregation runs out of the building, screaming in terror, except for one old man. Satan looks curiously at this old man, who seems to be paying him no attention. "Why aren't you running away?" Satan inquired. The old man looked him dead in the eye and replied "Because I've been married to your sister for 50 goddamn years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ghlky/so_satan_goes_to_a_church/
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My Grandma said I have the voice for the radio…

And the face for it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ghjxa/my_grandma_said_i_have_the_voice_for_the_radio/
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How do you assemble a computer?

Bit by bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ghf2u/how_do_you_assemble_a_computer/
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My most pretentious joke

-Knock knock
Who's there?
-To
To who?
-To *whom*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gh7tg/my_most_pretentious_joke/
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Temper cure...

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gh5p1/temper_cure/
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The Muslim bookstore

So, I was walking through the mall in Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes that's the one,"  Do you have it in paperback?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gh4dh/the_muslim_bookstore/
%
A guy gets on a bus with a pocket full of golf balls...

He sits down next to a blonde who keeps looking at his pants.
After a few minutes of noticing she can't take her eyes off him, he looks at her and says "golf balls."
"What?" The blonde replies.
"It's golf balls," the man responds.
"Oh," says the blonde. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gh3yf/a_guy_gets_on_a_bus_with_a_pocket_full_of_golf/
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Casket in a fishing boat.

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several car loads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "that guy must have been an avid fisherman."
"Oh he still is," remarked one of the mourners. "As a mater of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ggzde/casket_in_a_fishing_boat/
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I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.

I had no idea how to pronounce her name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ggvjt/i_used_to_go_out_with_a_welsh_girl_who_had_36dds/
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Why is it that when a woman sleeps with a bunch of men, she is a slut?

But when I do it, suddenly I am gay?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ggv82/why_is_it_that_when_a_woman_sleeps_with_a_bunch/
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Hurricane Gussy (NSFW?)

A man enters a brothel and tells the madam he's looking for something new and exciting.
The madam says "Well, we have one girl who is a contortionist."
The man says "No, that's too ordinary."
The madam thinks for a moment and says "What about a Hurricane Gussy? Have you ever tried that?"
The man gets excited and says "No, I haven't. Let me try one of those." So he goes upstairs into a room, takes off all his clothes and waits.
A tall, beautiful woman enters the room. She starts jumping around, waving her arms and blowing as hard as she can.
The man says "What the hell are you doing?"
She says "I am Hurricane Gussy, these are the hurricane winds blowing."
Then, she stands behind the man and starts beating him over the head with her breasts.
The man says "Now what the hell are you doing?"
She says "These are the coconuts falling from the trees because of the hurricane."
Then, she stands over the man and starts peeing.
The man says "What the hell are you doing?"
She says "This is the rain from the hurricane."
The man gets up and starts to get dressed.
She says "What the hell are you doing?"
"Leaving," says the man. "Who can fuck in weather like this?"
(My 65 year old dad told me this joke last night, and I thought it might be appreciated here)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ggnsx/hurricane_gussy_nsfw/
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Two whales are swimming in the ocean.

One turns to the other and goes, "BWOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."
And the second one turns to the first and goes, "Dude, what the hell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ggniz/two_whales_are_swimming_in_the_ocean/
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What do dead kids and jokes about dead kids have in common?

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ggncf/what_do_dead_kids_and_jokes_about_dead_kids_have/
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I said to the chemist: “Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?”

He said: “Why?” I said: “She keeps waking up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ggi3e/i_said_to_the_chemist_can_i_have_some_sleeping/
%
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gggm9/whats_the_difference_between_a_viola_and_a/
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husband in the kitchen

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ggfpt/husband_in_the_kitchen/
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What do you call an Italian man with a rubber toe

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ggfkz/what_do_you_call_an_italian_man_with_a_rubber_toe/
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Annoying husband

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ggc8k/annoying_husband/
%
What do Russians use to censor websites?

The Inter-nyet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ggbzy/what_do_russians_use_to_censor_websites/
%
Say what you want about skiing...

..but the sports going downhill, Fast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gg9ht/say_what_you_want_about_skiing/
%
IamA Bing search engine AMA

Please. Just ask me something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gg7g9/iama_bing_search_engine_ama/
%
The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 1 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gg710/the_irish_prostitute/
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People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut the fuck up

What I'm doing is **natural** and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gg5n3/people_who_are_offended_when_i_breastfeed_in/
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Remember the old times in the Internet?

Where men are men, women are men, and
the national security agents are young children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gg5g4/remember_the_old_times_in_the_internet/
%
Why is a giraffes neck so long?

Because the head is so high up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gg3ye/why_is_a_giraffes_neck_so_long/
%
Where do astronauts leave their spacecraft?

At parking meteors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gg3hr/where_do_astronauts_leave_their_spacecraft/
%
You shouldn't personify inanimate objects.

They hate it when you do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gg2lk/you_shouldnt_personify_inanimate_objects/
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Tit for Tat

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that student isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" student says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Student says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." student asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Student says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gg04e/tit_for_tat/
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The genie.

A man and his wife were plying ping pong in their home, when the wife accidentally struck the ball too hard,
and it went into their neighbor’s open window and there was a sound of breaking glass from inside.
Nobody came out and there was no sign of the neighbor, so the couple thought they would sneak in and recover the ball, and replace whatever was broken.
When they went in, it was all dark, and nobody was home. As they went in the room where the ball fell, they saw a broken glass bottle on the floor and a very hideous and strange looking man sitting in chair.
Before the wife could scream,
The man said..  “Thank you so very much!! I am a genie and I have been trapped in this bottle for over a thousand years. I am in your debt for freeing me."
"Now normally it is my duty to grant three wishes; however since you freed me unintentionally, I will grant you one wish each and the third I will keep for myself.”
The couple was overjoyed! And couldn’t believe their luck!
The man went first. “I’d like 10 Million dollars to be deposited in my bank account every month till the day I die.” He said.
“Your wish has been granted!” declared the genie.
The woman said “I’d like a mansion on the most picturesque location in every country of the world!”
“Done!” claimed the genie.
“And now for my own wish” the genie said. “I haven’t made love to a beautiful woman in over a thousand years and I’d like to have sex with this woman right now”
The husband and wife looked at each other and decided that it was a small price to pay for all the gifts that the genie has given them, so the genie took the wife to bedroom and had loud passionate sex with her for at least a couple of hours while the husband waited outside..
When they were finished the genie said to the exhausted woman “you two seem rather well educated”
The woman said “Yes, actually we are. My husband is an engineer and I’m a doctor.”
The genie said “An engineer and a doctor eh…. Don’t you think you are bit old to still believe in genies and fairy tales?!?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gg02m/the_genie/
%
A nutritionist is giving a speech at a conference on eating healthy

Red meat is terrible for your metabolism, soda rips apart your gastric wall. Fast food is almost all fat and sugar but there's one food that is the worst of all. Almost all of us eat it sooner or later and the negative effects can last for years after a single consumption. Does anyone know what this is?
After a moment of silence an elderly specialist sitting in one of the front rows gets up and says "wedding cake"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gfzbl/a_nutritionist_is_giving_a_speech_at_a_conference/
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"What are you doing today?"

"Nothing."
"That's what you did yesterday."
"I'm not done yet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gfvf9/what_are_you_doing_today/
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Despite constantly dropping the ball...

Gravity is pretty reliable

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gfmbf/despite_constantly_dropping_the_ball/
%
"So sir, have you decided whether or not you'd like to buy this mattress?"

"I'll sleep on it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gfkvx/so_sir_have_you_decided_whether_or_not_youd_like/
%
What did the man get for winning the muscle relaxing contest?

Atrophy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gfd4w/what_did_the_man_get_for_winning_the_muscle/
%
A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships?

"in HD"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gfbk6/a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gf946/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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Why don't you ever see three mexicans crossing the border at the same time?

Because the signs say "No trespassing"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gf7fc/why_dont_you_ever_see_three_mexicans_crossing_the/
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Surrogate Father

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am,' he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes,' the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gf7bh/surrogate_father/
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My mom just told a terrible dad joke.

I was outside talking with my parents around the fire and I mentioned that I had read on reddit today that the astronauts were going to eat space-grown produce for the first time ever.  My mother upon hearing this said:
"I hear they're growing strawberries and they're going to make space jam".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gf750/my_mom_just_told_a_terrible_dad_joke/
%
If Donald Trump becomes president

we will have toupee more taxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gf2u7/if_donald_trump_becomes_president/
%
I was in Starbucks the other day and I saw a guy who dropped his coffee on the floor by mistake.....

I said to the man "wow, you actually dropped it like it's hot"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gf1x9/i_was_in_starbucks_the_other_day_and_i_saw_a_guy/
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A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project

For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.
"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gf1u4/a_college_professor_asks_all_of_his_students_to/
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Me and the wife were sitting at a table

at her highschool reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging on a beer as he sat at a nearby table,
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed, "he's my old boyfriend, I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"Wow" I said "who would think that a person could go on celebrating for so long!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3geseh/me_and_the_wife_were_sitting_at_a_table/
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Do you have a small 2$ to spare?

Tariq is a 10 year old Pakistani from Pakistan who lives in a tiny village and has to walk 7 miles everyday to bring water for his family. Tariq only has one arm and can barely walk because his legs are uneven, so he has to do the long commute on a bike. Unfortunately, the bike only has one pedal. If you had 2$ to spare, we'd send you the DVD. It's fucking hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ges7q/do_you_have_a_small_2_to_spare/
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My urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away.

A whim away, a whim away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gerxb/my_urge_to_sing_the_lion_sleeps_tonight_is_just_a/
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Why did they have to stop the leper hockey game?

There was a face off in the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3geqd8/why_did_they_have_to_stop_the_leper_hockey_game/
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What do you call a priest's sermon that takes too long?

The Reverending Story

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gelw2/what_do_you_call_a_priests_sermon_that_takes_too/
%
[NSFW] What's the difference between acne and a priest ?

Acne waits until you're 14 to come all over your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gelk3/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a/
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Why do mermaids wear seashells?

*wait for it* Because they grew out of their B-shells!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gehqf/why_do_mermaids_wear_seashells/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong socks today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3geff1/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
How many vampires does it take to open the Curtain on Daylight?

Just one with depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gedu4/how_many_vampires_does_it_take_to_open_the/
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Circumcision Joke [nsfw]

A mohel (for those who don't know, a mohel/moyel/mohil is a Jewish person trained as a circumciser for the bris) is about to retire and calls his friend in to tell him the news. His friend said "Why that's wonderful news, you've spent many a year behind the knife, I bet you'll be glad to retire."
"Yes, I am, and look at this. I've saved every foreskin from every bris I've ever done, all here in this ziploc bag," and he pulls out a enormous bag full of foreskins.
"Well, that's, um, different, I guess.. but why on earth would you save all those?"
"I'm going to take them to a tanner and have him make a keepsake out of them."
Mohel goes to the tanner, has the foreskins made into a keepsake, and later sees his friend on the street.
Friend says "So did you have something made with the foreskins?"
Mohel says "Of course, the tanner made me this" and pulls out a brand new wallet.
"But Mohel, the bag was so full! You only wound up with this small wallet?"
"Well yeah, but if you rub it it turns into a suitcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gecbh/circumcision_joke_nsfw/
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A man walked into a woman.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ge42j/a_man_walked_into_a_woman/
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A newlywed wife makes her husband pay her a dollar before they have sex.

The husband shrugs and forks it over. This continues throughout the marriage; every time they have sex, he has to pay her a buck.
The husband comes home one day many years later, earlier than usual, and informs the wife that he's lost his job, and he's unsure how they will continue. His wife shows him a bank statement with an account holding over $500,000. "Where did you get this?" he asks. "Remember that dollar you paid me ever time you wanted to have sex? It added up over the years." The husband begins sobbing loudly, and the wife is mystified. "Why are you crying? We're saved!", she says. He replies, "If only I'd brought you ALL my business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ge32z/a_newlywed_wife_makes_her_husband_pay_her_a/
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There are two rules for success...

1. Never reveal everything that you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gdy3r/there_are_two_rules_for_success/
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My sex life is like my baseball career

I've never made it to second base

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gdvsz/my_sex_life_is_like_my_baseball_career/
%
"Mildred, are you putting on weight?"

Lady of the House, "Mildred, are you putting on weight?"
Maid, "Well, to tell you the truth Madam, I am pregnant."     Lady, "OH DEAR! How ever did you get your self in such condition?"
Maid, "Well Madam it started when I ordered a vibrator through the mail."
Lady, "Goodness! You didn't use that dreadful thing did you?"
Maid, "No Madam, the mail man talked me out of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gdu3k/mildred_are_you_putting_on_weight/
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*NSFW* A vampire walks in to a bar.

He asks the bartender for a glass of hot water. The bartender brings over the glass of hot water and with a puzzled look asks "don't vampires drink blood?" "Yes" the vampire responds as he pulls a used tampon out of his coat and puts it in the glass "but today I just feel like having tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gds4a/nsfw_a_vampire_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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Six shots of Jagermeister

A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."
"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"
"My first blow job," replies the young man.
"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."
The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gdphj/six_shots_of_jagermeister/
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How do you get two whales in a Mini Cooper?

Take the M4, across the Severn Bridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gdlwu/how_do_you_get_two_whales_in_a_mini_cooper/
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What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?

A virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gdlp3/what_do_you_call_a_13_year_old_girl_from_kentucky/
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I said to my wife's mother "when you're dead, I'll dance in your grave."

she said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gdiug/i_said_to_my_wifes_mother_when_youre_dead_ill/
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A joke about pineapples

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any pineapples? " The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the pineapples are. The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the pineapples, I need some pineapples right now!" The stockboy, getting frustated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your pineapples from the back." The lady agrees and the man starts the questions. "Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. " The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuck, as in pineapples. " She replies "There is no Fuck in pineapples?" To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gdc4q/a_joke_about_pineapples/
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What do you call a fruit that isn't allowed to marry?

A cantelope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gdbo8/what_do_you_call_a_fruit_that_isnt_allowed_to/
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What happened to you?

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.
“What happened to you?” asked his wife.
“I’ll never understand women,” he replied. “I was riding up an escalator behind this pretty young
girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned
around and punched me in the eye!”
“I can certainly appreciate that,” said the wife. “But how did you get the second black eye?”
“Well, I figured she liked it that way,” said the husband, “so I pushed it back in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gdasn/what_happened_to_you/
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I've got an Intracranial Embolism...

...at least, that's what my doctor told him when I mentioned that I had Bad Blood stuck in my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gda5z/ive_got_an_intracranial_embolism/
%
which came first the chicken or the egg?

The rooster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gd6xg/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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What did the leper says to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gd5ya/what_did_the_leper_says_to_the_prostitute/
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What do you call a dinosaur that only eats the most delicious food?

A connoisaur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gd52q/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_that_only_eats_the/
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My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gd05n/my_wife_doesnt_know_this_but_i_put_a_dollar_in_an/
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I'm all wet!

"Give it to me!" she yelled,
"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"
She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gctmz/im_all_wet/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler...

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler.
"Hey, is that Hitler?" he asks the bartender.
"Yeah that's Adolf and his right hand man. Have a cold beer and go introduce yourself!"
The man gets a nice cold bottle from the bartender and makes his way over to Hitler.
"Hello Adolf."
"How are you?" Adolf asks.
"Good, what are you doing?"
Hitler's right hand man chimes in. "We are going over plans for World War III."
"Ah, what are your plans for it?" the bar visiting man asks.
"Well, we will kill 1 million Jews and 1 bicycle repair man," Adolf's right hand man answers.
"Why are you going to kill a bicycle repair man?" asks the man.
Hitler becomes excited and turns to his right hand man.
"Ha! See? I told you nobody would care about the Jews."
--
The Holocaust is a terrible thing. This is a terrible joke. However, it has made people laugh, even Jewish people because it is very unexpected. I have no issue with Jewish men or women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gcr1a/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_hitler/
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A man was in a bar.

A man was in a bar when an ugly girl came up to him, squeeze his ass and said, "Give me your number, sexy."
"Do you have a pen?", he asked.
"Yes.", she answered.
The man shot back, "Well, then you had better get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gcktu/a_man_was_in_a_bar/
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Did you hear the one about the woman with a breast implant made of wood?

It would be funny if it had a punchline
Wooden tit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gckjk/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_woman_with_a/
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How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gckar/how_are_an_armless_man_at_a_buffet_and_a/
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What's the best time to buy a bird?

When it goes cheep!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gcbqu/whats_the_best_time_to_buy_a_bird/
%
Three old women in the park

There were three old woman in the park when suddenly a semi-nude man walks up to them and shows his private parts. The first old woman saw him and had a stroke. The second old woman saw and also had a stroke. The third old woman did not have a stroke because her arms were too short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gcbkm/three_old_women_in_the_park/
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How do you encourage a bartender?

"That's the spirit!"
How do you discourage a bartender?
Boos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gc7b7/how_do_you_encourage_a_bartender/
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Whats the differance between a terrorist and a yiddish mama?

You can negotiate with terrorists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gc03c/whats_the_differance_between_a_terrorist_and_a/
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Whats the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gby58/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_a_dead/
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Did you hear about the blonde identical twins?

They couldn't tell each other apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gby48/did_you_hear_about_the_blonde_identical_twins/
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What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wipes his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gbwmu/what_does_a_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
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What's the difference between a bmw and a hedgehog?

A hedgehog has pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gbwd7/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_hedgehog/
%
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?

Snowballs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gbuxg/whats_the_difference_between_a_snowman_and_a/
%
I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gbueg/i_took_my_metal_detector_to_the_beach_today/
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NSFW How do you know your best friend is gay?

His dick tastes like shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gbrvh/nsfw_how_do_you_know_your_best_friend_is_gay/
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A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home."

I went over. Nobody was home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gbpfp/a_girl_phoned_me_the_other_day_and_said_come_on/
%
When someone asks me where I see myself in 5 years...

I dunno...I don't have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gbo4f/when_someone_asks_me_where_i_see_myself_in_5_years/
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Why are fishermen so good at geometry?

Cause they're good anglers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gbo0x/why_are_fishermen_so_good_at_geometry/
%
Who does a hypocrite really hate?

A hypocrite!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gbhey/who_does_a_hypocrite_really_hate/
%
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gbehw/why_did_the_cows_return_to_the_marijuana_field/
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Why can't you play UNO with Mexicans?

They'll steal all of the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gbddy/why_cant_you_play_uno_with_mexicans/
%
I got a new tag on my car

On the front of my car, there's a license plate that says "Dodge."
That's not the manufacturer, it's a suggestion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gbcb0/i_got_a_new_tag_on_my_car/
%
What do Wal mart and priests have in common?

They both have boys pants half off.
I'm going to hell lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gb8gd/what_do_wal_mart_and_priests_have_in_common/
%
Guy gets into a car wreck with a midget driver

Midget steps out of his car, walks over to the other guy with a scowl and states, "I'm not happy."
Guy responds. "So which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gb4uh/guy_gets_into_a_car_wreck_with_a_midget_driver/
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A British , a German, a Japanese and a Chinese man were in an airplane.

The plane that was carrying an important U.N. mission was losing altitude, so the pilot said that three of them must jump out and without a parachute since they have dumped everything else.
The  British man decided to go first.
He yelled " Long live Great Britain!" And then jumped off.
The German man, however unwillingly, decided to sacrifice himself for the team.
He yelled " Long live Germany!" And then jumped off.
Immediately , the Chinese man said" I got this".
yelled out " Long live China"
And kicked the Japanese man off the plane.
Translated from another language.
Hope u haven't heard it before and hope u laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gb3ql/a_british_a_german_a_japanese_and_a_chinese_man/
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[NSFW] I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool.

5x0=0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gb3ls/nsfw_ive_been_1_week_in_college_and_already_had/
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An old woman ask her husband of 65 years...

what would you do if I stated smoking?
He quickly replies "Slow down and use more lube."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gb2ac/an_old_woman_ask_her_husband_of_65_years/
%
I bought a gallon of Wite-Out the other day....

Big mistake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gaxg4/i_bought_a_gallon_of_witeout_the_other_day/
%
I once saw a black man walking down the street carrying a TV

And I thought to myself "Hmm, that one looks a lot like mine!"
Then I remembered, mine was at home, shining my shoes.
Silly me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gav40/i_once_saw_a_black_man_walking_down_the_street/
%
[NSFW] A pickle, a cucumber and a penis are having a discussion...

The cucumber says "I have it bad, when I get big and strong I get cut up into little pieces and put in salads." The pickle says "I have it worse, I start out as a cucumber and when I get big and strong I'm put into a jar of vinegar for ages then cut up and put in sandwiches." The penis says "I have it the worst, when I get big and strong I get a plastic bag wrapped around my head then I'm shoved into a dark and smelly cave and forced to do push ups until I throw up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gatbz/nsfw_a_pickle_a_cucumber_and_a_penis_are_having_a/
%
I had a really sad day today

First - My ex got run over by a bus
Second - I got fired as a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gap14/i_had_a_really_sad_day_today/
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What do you call the act of turning over in bed to switch from the missionary position to doggy style?

A sexual revolution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gakp7/what_do_you_call_the_act_of_turning_over_in_bed/
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Bill and George buy a small boat...

and Bill has a stutter. So they're out in the middle of the sea and George decides that they should each watch opposite sides of the boat and warn the other if they see anything.
After a few minutes Bill starts saying: "Sh-sh-sh-sh." But before he could finish his sentence a giant ship hit their boat and smashed it to pieces.
George looked at Bill in such a rage and yelled: "YOU FUCKING IDIOT! YOU COULDN'T SAY SHIP!?!?"
George and Bill didn't talk to each other for the next few months, but when they finally did Bill proposed that they buy another small boat and go out to sea again. So they did.
Out at sea, George tells Bill: "If you see something this time, say it faster."
After a few minutes, Bill starts saying: "Sh-sh-sh..."
But before he could even finish, George already jumped overboard!
When finally Bill yells out: "SHARK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gaj3e/bill_and_george_buy_a_small_boat/
%
My work signed me up for a 401k

But I've never even run a marathon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gahgb/my_work_signed_me_up_for_a_401k/
%
Hey girl, you're a 10 on my scale...

But that's only because you're basic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gaez4/hey_girl_youre_a_10_on_my_scale/
%
I like my women like I like my M.C. Escher paintings

Impossibly proportioned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ga96v/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_mc_escher_paintings/
%
Why did the tumblrina quit being a teacher?

It wasn't her job to educate people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ga6t0/why_did_the_tumblrina_quit_being_a_teacher/
%
A 70 year old man buys his wife a present

For their 50th wedding anniversary a 70 year old man buys his wife a see through night gown
The next day he goes back to the store and returns it
Cashier: I'm sorry you were unsatisfied with our product.  May I ask what was wrong with it?
70 Year Old Man: It was all wrinkled

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ga5gj/a_70_year_old_man_buys_his_wife_a_present/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they're stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ga4jd/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant...

An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant. A reporter comes by and asks, "Excuse me, but can I get your opinion on the recent grain shortage in the third world?"
The Brit asks: "What's a 'shortage'?"
The Vietnamese asks: "What's 'grain'?"
The Russian asks: "What's an 'opinion'?"
The American asks: "What's the third world?"
The Israeli asks: "What's 'excuse me'?"
(credit to: [u/priyankish](https://www.reddit.com/user/priyankish)!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ga3zt/an_israeli_a_brit_a_russian_a_vietnamese_and_an/
%
I always wanted a trophy wife,

But instead I got a participation medal girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g9yf1/i_always_wanted_a_trophy_wife/
%
"Mmm..I love your cooking darling."

That's the male equivalent to a fake orgasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g9x04/mmmi_love_your_cooking_darling/
%
Grandma was outside pulling weeds...

....... on a hot summer day when her grandpa walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner. Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!" So grandpa went back in the house and fixed himself a nice big juicy steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer. Grandma walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g9wu2/grandma_was_outside_pulling_weeds/
%
I was walking through a mall near Portland and I saw that there was a "Muslim" book Store.

I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if
he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you
have a copy of Donald Trump's book  on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding
Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "F--- off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one.  Do you have it in paperback? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g9vt6/i_was_walking_through_a_mall_near_portland_and_i/
%
New machine at the gym

There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.
Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g9sq9/new_machine_at_the_gym/
%
Vets aren't doctors:

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe I can help?
Mom: My son broke his leg!
Vet: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g9qjt/vets_arent_doctors/
%
How are babies different from feminists ?

Babies grow up and stop crying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g9imm/how_are_babies_different_from_feminists/
%
What kind of pastry do you need a thesaurus to eat?

Synonym rolls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g9hct/what_kind_of_pastry_do_you_need_a_thesaurus_to_eat/
%
Sven the farmer

A Minnesota farmer named Sven had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Ajax Company.
In court, the Ajax Company's hot shot attorney questioned him thus "Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Sven responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Sven said, "Vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road...
"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.
"By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Sven's answer and said to the attorney: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie.
"Sven said: 'Tank you," and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Ajax truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly.
I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.
"By yimminy yahosaphat, I vas hurt purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.
"Shortly after da accident,a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.
"Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, How are you feelin?'"
"Now wot da fock vud you say?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g9h63/sven_the_farmer/
%
I have new strategy for getting my wife to have sex with me...

When we are in bed I just talk and talk until she has sex with me just to shut me up. I call it filibusting a nut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g9fcu/i_have_new_strategy_for_getting_my_wife_to_have/
%
Hot Date:

Girl: Sorry, I don't put out on the first date.
Me: [on fire] I respect that in a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g9edj/hot_date/
%
So a piece of bacon and a biscuit walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "Sorry but we don't serve breakfast here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g9b45/so_a_piece_of_bacon_and_a_biscuit_walk_into_a_bar/
%
The founder of strepsils died this week

There will be no coffin at the funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g92n5/the_founder_of_strepsils_died_this_week/
%
Why do Taiwanese students always do so well on their standardized tests?

They've got a Taipei personality

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g924y/why_do_taiwanese_students_always_do_so_well_on/
%
Boarding the plane

I saw that there were fat guys sitting around my seat. Realizing it was a long flight, and not wanting the uncomfortable inconvenience, I found another seat and sat there.
This guy came up to me and said "Excuse me. You're in my seat".
I said "Excuse me. Fuck off"
He said "Well then, fly the fucking plane yourself"..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g91no/boarding_the_plane/
%
There was this gentleman in Omaha

standing on the street corner.
A Young lady walks past and he says “Tickle your ass with a feather”
She goes “What?”
He calmly says “Typical Nebraska weather”
She agrees and walks on.
Another lady walks by and he states “Tickle your ass with a feather”
She says “OK”, so they walk on together.
Meanwhile there’s a drunk waiting on a bus sees this and thinks , “That’s a pretty good way to pick up chicks. I think I’ll give it a try”
So he stands at the corner, a lady walks by and he says “Stick a feather up your ass.”
She says, “What?”
He wipes his brow and says “Fuck it’s hot out here”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g907u/there_was_this_gentleman_in_omaha/
%
Riddle me this

Which does not belong:
* Nipple clamps
* Soy
* Vibrator
Answer:
The nipple clamps, the other two are meat substitutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8ycb/riddle_me_this/
%
A man finally gets a job as a Wal-Mart greeter...

So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, and about two hours into my first day on the job a loud, mean, and unattractive woman enters the store with her two children, yelling obscenities at them the whole way.
Per my greeter instructions, I pleasantly said, "Good Morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there, are they twins?"
Agitated, the women sharply fires back, "Hell no, they ain't twins. This one here's 7, and this one here's 10. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, stupid, or both?"
To which I replied, "Ma'am, I am neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that someone slept with you twice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8y69/a_man_finally_gets_a_job_as_a_walmart_greeter/
%
What's worse than paper tits?

Cardboard box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8wjc/whats_worse_than_paper_tits/
%
A man goes to a 5 dollar hooker..

A man goes to see a 5 dollar hooker, he does his business and the goes home. The next day he was furious, he got crabs from the hooker.  He decides to go back to the hooker and complain.
Man: This is outrageous I pay you and I get crabs!!!
Hooker: Well what did you expect for 5 dollars? Lobster?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8uto/a_man_goes_to_a_5_dollar_hooker/
%
How did I get out of Iraq?

I ran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8usa/how_did_i_get_out_of_iraq/
%
A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8snq/a_waiter_walks_up_to_a_table_full_of_jewish_women/
%
Anyone need a job?

I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.
^im ^so ^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8sa8/anyone_need_a_job/
%
GOD'S DEAD DOG - joke :DD

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8p3j/gods_dead_dog_joke_dd/
%
My astronomy professor told me

I was his star pupil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8hzc/my_astronomy_professor_told_me/
%
A man recently felt funny and came over queasy...

At which point he was asked to leave the local amateur production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8grc/a_man_recently_felt_funny_and_came_over_queasy/
%
I have an odd friend who gets off to the dictionary.

It's weird but he's come to terms with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8fx3/i_have_an_odd_friend_who_gets_off_to_the/
%
I work as a guide at a zoo. What's your favourite animal joke?

I give tours at a zoo. Each tour goes for a couple of hours so it is good to engage the guests and make the tour a bit more fun. What is your favourite animal joke I can use at work?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8cm0/i_work_as_a_guide_at_a_zoo_whats_your_favourite/
%
I was asked who my favorite X-Men character was..

Apparently Bruce Jenner was "inappropriate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8c9k/i_was_asked_who_my_favorite_xmen_character_was/
%
What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese Girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8b8m/whats_the_worst_part_about_breaking_up_with_a/
%
I guy walks into a bar...

...as he walks in he notices that there are pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He sits down on the bar stool, and as he orders a drink asks the barman; "what's with all the meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies; "Oh, that's a little promotion we have going on. Anyone who can jump up and touch the meat gets free drinks all night. But, if they miss, they have to buy everyone else's drinks all night."
The guy looks intrigued. "So" says the barman, "want to give it a shot?". "No thanks", replies the guy; "the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g890n/i_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall...

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g83an/my_wife_asked_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
%
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in zero lightbulbs?

Indeterminate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g81d3/how_many_mathematicians_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
%
What do you call an anorexic Guinea pig?

A skinny pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g819j/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_guinea_pig/
%
Life hack for driving

Always get your driver's license picture taken when your stoned. That way, the police will think you always look that way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g7xdf/life_hack_for_driving/
%
How many Freuds does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.
One to screw in the light bulb and the other one to hold the penis.. I meant... The ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g7uzo/how_many_freuds_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
I heard that comedians never tell jokes about the Jonestown massacre.

The punchline is too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g7ung/i_heard_that_comedians_never_tell_jokes_about_the/
%
More golf jokes

Two guys are playing golf, but they are stuck behind two women who are really taking their time.
First guy says: "I'm gonna go over there and see if they won't let us pass".
So he walks over there, but once he gets closer to the women he quickly turns around and comes back.
First guy: "Man, I can't talk to them. One is my wife, the other is my mistress."
So then the second guy goes to talk to them, but he also quickly turns around and comes back and says:
"My, how small the world is..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g7luu/more_golf_jokes/
%
I was having trouble with my computer...

(I honestly don't know if this is a repeat or not. Don't judge.)
...so I called a neighbor, Joseph, to help.
Joseph clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Joseph grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
Joseph and I are no longer friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g7en3/i_was_having_trouble_with_my_computer/
%
How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the back of the head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g7cn4/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
%
Don't tell me you're fat because obesity runs in your family...

Not a damn thing has ever run in your family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g7ce1/dont_tell_me_youre_fat_because_obesity_runs_in/
%
What do you call a special kid's computer? (Xpost - r/imgoingtohellforthis)

System of a Down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g7b0t/what_do_you_call_a_special_kids_computer_xpost/
%
My father thinks himself an expert at cutting through busy sidewalks.

I consider his ability rather pedestrian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g79va/my_father_thinks_himself_an_expert_at_cutting/
%
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash

, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g79m4/20_years_ago_we_had_johnny_cash/
%
Guy sits at the bar and orders 3 drinks..

After finishing them he walks home. The man comes by the following night and orders four of the same drinks again. The bartender asks why he ordered one more than the day before and he responds, "I just didn't get drunk enough." The man shows up and orders one more drink than the previous day for another 3 nights. On the fifth night he orders a water. Puzzled, the bartender asks him "why water tonight?"
The man states that last night he blew chunks. The bartender doesn't mind as he's seen it happen plenty of times before and offers the man another drink. The man declines and says, "you don't understand, chunks is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g795y/guy_sits_at_the_bar_and_orders_3_drinks/
%
What does Donald Trump tell Barack Obama supporters?

Orange Is The New Black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g78k9/what_does_donald_trump_tell_barack_obama/
%
Sex with my teacher

A 13 year old boy came home all happy. His mum asked, "What did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh I had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room until his father got home.
When the father arrived home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs. He asked his son what happened at school and his son told him "I had sex with my teacher."
The dad said, "Son I am so proud of you I'm going to get you that bike you wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and then the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied, "Nah dad my bum is still sore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g769u/sex_with_my_teacher/
%
Have you heard about the jewish comedian?

They say he Israeli funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g74c0/have_you_heard_about_the_jewish_comedian/
%
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred...

The top answer was: "How in the hell did you get in here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g745z/i_asked_100_women_which_shampoo_they_preferred/
%
Invention of the knife

"What is that?"
I call it the 'knife'.
"Wow, that's the best thing since bread!"
Greg, I am about to blow your mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g71vs/invention_of_the_knife/
%
Me: Hey, I'm going to say a knock knock joke, but you have to start me off!

Them: Okay.. knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Them: *confused silence*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g6yu9/me_hey_im_going_to_say_a_knock_knock_joke_but_you/
%
The inventor of the air conditioner has died

Thousands of fans are attending his funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g6xxm/the_inventor_of_the_air_conditioner_has_died/
%
It is helpful to have a therapist on the golf course.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.  The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.  "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes", the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel", she asked.
"Feels great", he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g6sqb/it_is_helpful_to_have_a_therapist_on_the_golf/
%
Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.
"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.
"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.
"Shaken, not stirred."
"Oh, thank God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g6spg/michael_j_fox_asked_james_bond_to_come_over_for/
%
Do I have a police record?

No... but I have two of their albums on tape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g6q4z/do_i_have_a_police_record/
%
What do you call five black people having sex?

a threesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g6oms/what_do_you_call_five_black_people_having_sex/
%
A man is hired to play bagpipes at the funeral of a homeless man

Deep in the heart of Kentucky, a homeless man with no family or friends dies. His funeral is paid for by the local parish as an act of charity, and a bagpipe player is hired. However, the player is about an hour late to the service. When he gets to the cemetery, the hearse and priest are gone. Only the grave diggers remain. Out of respect, the player pulls out his bagpipes and begins to play Amazing Grace anyway. Suddenly, the workers begin to weep. A fair amount of tears roll out of the bagpipe player's eyes as he plays the final line of the song. As he packs up and is headed back to his car, he hears on of the workers say through his remaining tears "*sniff*Ain't seen nothing like that before *sniff* and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g6l53/a_man_is_hired_to_play_bagpipes_at_the_funeral_of/
%
Two old women were driving down the freeway...

at 10 miles per hour, eventually the police came and pulled them over. Once the officer got up to their window he asked "Miss are you aware that you are traveling at 10 mph on the freeway?"
"Why yes officer that is the speed limit after all."
The officer was taken back from her statement and asked, "Where does it say the speed limit is 10 mph?" The old woman pointed up to a blue sign on the overpass with the number 10. The officer laughed inside and said "Mam that is the sign for the 10 freeway." After hearing this the second old woman looked at the driver and said "I told you we were going to fast on the 215."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g6hp2/two_old_women_were_driving_down_the_freeway/
%
There are two types of people in this world.

Those that need closure...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g6agb/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g68j3/how_many_friend_zoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/
%
A young couple were on their honeymoon . . .

.  . . and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g68bw/a_young_couple_were_on_their_honeymoon/
%
What does the fat cow give you?

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g67d8/what_does_the_fat_cow_give_you/
%
Who wins between a nude guy and a fencing champion?

Nude guy, because pen is mightier than sword

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g65yd/who_wins_between_a_nude_guy_and_a_fencing_champion/
%
Welcome to the conservative party

I asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.
Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?”
She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”
Her parents beamed, and said, “Welcome to the Labour Party!”
“Wow…what a worthy goal!” I told her. I continued, “But you don’t have to wait until you’re Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, sweep my drive and I’ll pay you £25. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the £25 to use toward food.”
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the £25?”
I smiled and said:
"Welcome to the Conservative Party.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g63v6/welcome_to_the_conservative_party/
%
What do we want? Low flying plane noises! when do we want em?

Nnneeeeeeeeyyyyyoooooowwwww

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g6351/what_do_we_want_low_flying_plane_noises_when_do/
%
A man goes to the doctor to figure out if his wife has Aids or Alzheimer's

Man: "Doctor I don't know whether my wife has Aids or Alzheimer's."
Doctor: "Drive out to the country side and drop her off. If she finds her way back home, don't fuck her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g62zl/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_to_figure_out_if_his/
%
There is a tribe in Africa that worships the number zero.

Is nothing sacred?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g62u8/there_is_a_tribe_in_africa_that_worships_the/
%
What did Thor start calling Ironman after he learned the suit was made out of gold titanium alloy?

Ironyman
... To be fair Goldtitaniumalloyman just didn't have the same ring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5x3k/what_did_thor_start_calling_ironman_after_he/
%
Homeless girl

I was about to go into the bookies to place my weekly bet when I noticed a young girl sat in an empty shop doorway nearby. I was struck by how sad she looked , gazing blankly out to the street with a filthy blanket wrapped around her and a small cardboard sign that simply read, "homeless".
I looked at the $10 dollar bill in my hand and immediately turned away from the bookies and headed toward where was sat, thinking...
"State she's in, I reckon she's desperate enough to give me a blowjob for this down that side alley."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5wz5/homeless_girl/
%
What do you call Samsung store security guards?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5wor/what_do_you_call_samsung_store_security_guards/
%
Got more like these ?

1. Neil arms weak.
Neil joins gym.
Neil does chin-ups.
Neil Armstrong
2. William making fruit shake.
William took pears.
William put them in glass.
William Shakespeare
3. Jimmy goes to restaurant.
Jimmy sits down.
Jimmy gets food.
Jimmy Choo
4. Tony makes movie.
Tony works hard.
Tony earns fans.
Tony Star k
5. Alan feels happy.
Alan runs hard.
Alan falls in gutter.
Alan Reekman (Rickman)
6. Usain shit scared.
Usain screams.
Usain close doors.
Usain Bolt.
Got more like these ?
Calling all redditors.
Edit 1: Jimmy Choo and Tony Stark
Edit 2: Alan Rickman
Edit 3 : Usain Bolt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5tpg/got_more_like_these/
%
There's a fine line between being a drug addict and a recreational user...

...and I snorted the whole thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5tn9/theres_a_fine_line_between_being_a_drug_addict/
%
I have an EpiPen...

...my friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5qvo/i_have_an_epipen/
%
As an obese man, I think I would make a pretty good presidential candidate.

I too only run once every four years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5qt0/as_an_obese_man_i_think_i_would_make_a_pretty/
%
What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout?

A boy scout comes home from camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5nlx/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_boy_scout/
%
Anna lost her husband almost four years ago.

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get
back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain ...
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties
He in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
But down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same --
She stood there wearing the black lacy panties,
And he was in his birthday suit --
But now he was wearing a black condom...
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied,
"I want to offer my deepest condolences"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5ltw/anna_lost_her_husband_almost_four_years_ago/
%
Calling In Sick

Today I called in to work, "Hi, I'm not feeling well today, fatigued, drained, tired, stressed. I'll be staying in bed, so I won't be coming to work today"
The boss says, "You know, I really need you here today, extra work came in today. When I feel overworked, I go to my wife and we have wild sex, and this always works to release all that stress. So you try that"
a couple of hours later, "Hey boss it's me, I did what you said, and you were right, it's amazing. So I'll be on my way to work
Oh, your house look really nice by the way"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5kwd/calling_in_sick/
%
Babe are you a new software update?

Because not now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5k1c/babe_are_you_a_new_software_update/
%
Some musician related jokes

Why can't a clarinet player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start talking dirty, his voice cracks.
Why can't a French horn player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start making out, his hand goes to the wrong place.
What do you call a euphonium player who isn't part of a military band? Unemployed
How many tuba players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, one to hold it in place and the other to play pedal tones until the world starts to spin.
A 6th grader decides he wants to play tuba and his parents find a world-class private teacher who hosts hour-long lessons at his house. The first day, after the lesson, the teacher drives the kid home and he runs to his parents and says "I learned how to play the note Bb today!". The second day, the same thing happens but the kid had learned to play an F. The third day the kid doesn't come home. The parents wait until an hour after he was supposed to be back and call the teacher, asking where the kid is. The teacher replies "He's at his first gig".
How do you make a guitarist play quieter? Put sheet music in front of him.
What does a gig opportunity for a trombonist have in common with Christmas? They both only come once a year.
How do you know a singer is at the door? Can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
How do you get two piccolo players to play in tune? Shoot one of them.
How do you get two oboe players to play in tune? Shoot both of them.
What's the difference between rock and jazz? Rock plays four chords for an audience of millions, jazz plays millions of chords for an audience of four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5gpr/some_musician_related_jokes/
%
Why should you always knock on your fridge door before opening it?

Because there could be an Italian dressing inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5gkh/why_should_you_always_knock_on_your_fridge_door/
%
In the end, I decided not to visit that new Police Hair & Nail Salon.

You hear all kinds of bad things about Police Beautality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5g8x/in_the_end_i_decided_not_to_visit_that_new_police/
%
A duck was found dead on the sidewalk today...

The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5fnf/a_duck_was_found_dead_on_the_sidewalk_today/
%
I like my....

I like my women how I like my font ... 18 and **bold**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5fjy/i_like_my/
%
A man goes to a doctor for incontinence...

A man goes to the doctor for incontinence.
Man: Doc, I have a problem.  I keep peeing in bed in the middle of the night.
Doc:  Why?  What's the problem.
Man: Well, in the middle of the night, right around midnight, this little elf appears.  He climbs up in my bed, goes up to my ear and asks, "Did you pee yet?" and I say "No".  Then he asks me, "Well, what you are waiting for?" and that's when I pee.
Doc:  Well, this is very easy.  Tonight, don't do anything differently.  Go to bed and when the elf shows up and asks you if you've pee'd yet, just say "yes" and the problem will be solved.
So the guy goes home and gets into bed.  Right on schedule, at around midnight, the elf shows up.  He climbs on the bed and whispers in the man's ear..
Elf: Did you pee yet?
Man: YES!
Elf: Did you poop?
Man: No
Elf: Well what are you waiting for?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5c08/a_man_goes_to_a_doctor_for_incontinence/
%
Why couldn't the bike stand on it's own?

Because it was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5bgs/why_couldnt_the_bike_stand_on_its_own/
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A Husband's Generosity

A group of men is at the gym club when a cellphone rings. One of the men answers:
"Yes?" he answers
"Hun, is that you? I can hardly hear you."
"Hello!"
"Are you at the gym?"
"Yes!"
"I'm in front of the fur shop and they have this beautiful mink coat. Can I buy it?"
"How much is it?"
"About five thousand dollars."
"Okay, but buy a matching purse that goes with it too my love."
"Well, it also turns out that I stopped by the car dealership today saw they have a brand new BMW on sale, it's the last one."
"How much is the sale?"
"Only sixty thousand dollars!"
"Fine, buy it, but you have to get it with all of the accessories, and if it costs a little more, I won't get mad."
The woman, realizing all of her requests were being approved, decided to take a risk.
"Honey, remember that I told you that my mother wants to come live with us? Is it okay if I invite her over for a month, just to try it out, and after a month we can talk about it again."
"Okay, fine, but don't ask me for anything else okay?"
"Yes, yes, I love you so much baby."
"Love you too, bye."
As soon as he hangs up the man turns to look at the group and asks:
"Does anyone know whose cellphone this is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g5ahr/a_husbands_generosity/
%
I walked into a bar once...

I went into a bar once and ordered a drink from the bartender. He puts down the drink and a side of peanuts. I take a sip of the drink and I hear faintly, "Man, you have great hair!" I was a little freaked out by it, because there isn't anyone in the bar besides me and the bartender, but the bartender is on the other side of the bar washing dishes. I shook it off as me hearing things after having a long day. I take another gulp of my drink and again I hear the voice: "That's a wonderful shirt you have on, sir!". I look around the bar again and still there is no one to be found. I thought maybe it's time to leave. So I take my third and final drink and again I hear the voice, but louder this time: "You're such a handsome man!!" Before I leave I call the bartender over to explain what is happening to me, maybe I was sick or something? I said, "Mr. Bartender, I keep hearing a voice say nice things about me every time I take a drink. Did you add something into the drink to make me hallucinate or something? Should I call an ambulance?" And the bartender says, "No, sir. It's the peanuts; they're complimentary!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g57vw/i_walked_into_a_bar_once/
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First day on the job as a Wal-Mart Greeter.

So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g57mc/first_day_on_the_job_as_a_walmart_greeter/
%
My dentist...

has the heart of a lion. ( sitting on his office table)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g51gh/my_dentist/
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Two men are at a train station....

First man goes to the ticket counter and is flustered by the attendant's huge breasts.  He stammers out "Uh..I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh...I mean..Pittsburgh".
Embarrassed, he pays and goes back to his friend and tells him "Man, I just had the worst Freudian slip...I asked for 'pickets to Tittsburgh'".
His friends responds "That's nothing.  Last night at dinner, I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt and instead I said  'You ruined my life you fucking bitch!'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g4u77/two_men_are_at_a_train_station/
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Who Died?

The husband comes home drunk. His wife asks him:
-Where have you been?!
-**At the cemetery...**
- And who died?
-**You won't believe it: they are all died**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g4pku/who_died/
%
How many republicans does it take to fix a problem?

No one knows. It's never happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g4mzz/how_many_republicans_does_it_take_to_fix_a_problem/
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My father’s sister is obsessed with killing germs,

we call her Auntie Bacterial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g4lgh/my_fathers_sister_is_obsessed_with_killing_germs/
%
Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.  While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.  Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, “Ah Seńor, you have excellent taste!  Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.  A delicacy!”
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.  IIII   If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Seńor.  Sometimes the bull wins.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g4lbd/mexican_oysters/
%
I was once a man stuck in a woman's body.

I'll never mistake superglue for lube again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g4h0u/i_was_once_a_man_stuck_in_a_womans_body/
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His son asked him what gay meant.

Son: Dad, what does gay mean?
Dad: Happy son. It means happy.
Son: Then are YOU gay DAD?
Dad: No son...... i have a wife...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g4fs2/his_son_asked_him_what_gay_meant/
%
The Funeral

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g4fac/the_funeral/
%
Did you hear about greek porn?

They can't do money shots anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g498t/did_you_hear_about_greek_porn/
%
When in China

I met a Chinese girl when I was in Shanghai, I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her.
She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, want free sex for tonight"
Wow, I'm guessing this is  how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then, My friend interpreted for me & told me what she really said :
666136429.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g48da/when_in_china/
%
My girlfriend last night:

"I've been a bad girl. Punish me".
So I fucked her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g47mf/my_girlfriend_last_night/
%
How were people born ?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g45wg/how_were_people_born/
%
A Nun walks into a construction site

An older nun, who was living in a convent next to a construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
And so, she decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And, do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down. "Why?"
The worker yelled back,
"Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g42ok/a_nun_walks_into_a_construction_site/
%
I just made one sale

A keen indian state bank manager, left the job and applied for a sales man job at london's premier downtowrn department store. In fact which was the biggest store in the world - You could get anything there.
The boss asked him "Have you ever been an salesman before? Yes Sir, I was a saleman in India replied the lad. The Boss liked the cut of him and said, you can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you.
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it.
And finally 6.00 PM came around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked, How many sales did you make today?
Sir, Just ONE Sale, said the young salesman. "Only one sale" blurted the boss.
No, No you see here, most of them my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job you'd better be doing better than just one sale.
By the say, how much was the sales worth? asked the boss.
-93300534 pounds said the sales man.
What? How did you manage that? asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman. This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook.
Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
So I told him, he'd be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines.
The he said his volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it. So I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new deluxe 4X4 blazer.
I then asked him where he'll be staying, and since he had not decided, I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!"
"No" answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a head ache relief tablet and I convinced him that fishing is best remedy for headache."
Boss - "You take my chair".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g42iu/i_just_made_one_sale/
%
How he set the new pasword for his computer

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g429b/how_he_set_the_new_pasword_for_his_computer/
%
If we elect Donald Trump for president...

There will be hell toupee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g409e/if_we_elect_donald_trump_for_president/
%
What do you call a fat guy with an unhealthy interest in his mother?

Adipose Rex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g3yc5/what_do_you_call_a_fat_guy_with_an_unhealthy/
%
Trying to catch the bus

A man is trying to catch the bus, hes running and everytime he almost makes it he stumbles and falls, the crowd on the bus is laughing their butts off, a lady opens a window and tells the man :" Please stop it, we will wee our pants" to which the man replies :" thats nothing soon you will sht your pants, because im the bus driver"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g3xtm/trying_to_catch_the_bus/
%
What does a wife and a tornado have in common?

They start with a blowjob then they take your house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g3x6n/what_does_a_wife_and_a_tornado_have_in_common/
%
I finally found a girl who is like my mother in every way!

I brought her home and wouldn't you know it... my dad doesn't like her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g3sok/i_finally_found_a_girl_who_is_like_my_mother_in/
%
A collection of lightbulb jokes

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Just Juan
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Two. One to hold the lightbulb and one to drink until the room spins.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Just two but who knows how they got in there.
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Change?
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Oh, it's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
How many blonds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-10,000. One to hold the lightbulb, the rest to rotate the house.
How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-You can't tell, it's dark. (I know that one's kinda inappropriate)
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Two. One to screw it in, and one to observe how it represents an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.
How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-The whole team! And they got a semester's credit for it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g3sjc/a_collection_of_lightbulb_jokes/
%
I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

Apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g3owm/i_thought_getting_a_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife/
%
A limerick about a vampire named Mable. [NSFW]

There was a young vampire called mable,
whose periods were always quite stable,
at every full moon,
she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g3ou3/a_limerick_about_a_vampire_named_mable_nsfw/
%
I was once a man stuck in a woman's body

Then my mother gave birth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g3gqz/i_was_once_a_man_stuck_in_a_womans_body/
%
What's a nuclear scientist's favourite food?

Fission chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g3ays/whats_a_nuclear_scientists_favourite_food/
%
TWO MEN AND ONE GAME

Professor Q wanted to insult the redhead homeless who has been sleeping outside his apartment for over a week.
So he asked homeless to play a game. The rule is, they both ask each other questions, if the professor can't answer then he will give the homeless $500, if the homeless can't answer then the professor gets $5.
First professor Q asked the homeless, how far is the moon?
The homeless gave him $5.
Then the homeless asked one back, what animal walk with three legs in the morning but four legs at night?
Professor unwilling paid $500 and asked the homeless, what animal is that?
The homeless paid hime $5 and went back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g35jx/two_men_and_one_game/
%
How do bored cows sound like?

Meh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g3533/how_do_bored_cows_sound_like/
%
Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g2zxm/boy_scout_sir_i_found_a_snake_is_it_poisonous/
%
What do Mexican midgets use to cut pizza?

Little Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g2z9l/what_do_mexican_midgets_use_to_cut_pizza/
%
What was the beef doing as he watched the salad dressing?

Stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g2yjo/what_was_the_beef_doing_as_he_watched_the_salad/
%
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew?

Harry Potter can escape the chambers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g2vv6/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_a/
%
Why does it go from Windows 8 to 10?

Because Windows 7 8 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g2ugq/why_does_it_go_from_windows_8_to_10/
%
What kind of overalls does Mario wear?

*denim* *denim* *denim*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g2tow/what_kind_of_overalls_does_mario_wear/
%
What did the unused dough say to the baker?

Why don't you knead me?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g2rr0/what_did_the_unused_dough_say_to_the_baker/
%
My Egyptian friend's dad drowned yesterday...

He's still in denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g2ngk/my_egyptian_friends_dad_drowned_yesterday/
%
What do you call a black astronaut?

An astronaut. racist jerk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g2mea/what_do_you_call_a_black_astronaut/
%
A man hosted a Halloween party

where the theme was emotions. The first party guest shows up all in green, the host asks what he is, "I'm green in envy" said the guest. The next party guest shows up dressed in all red, the host asks what he's supposed to be, "Well I'm red with anger." He replied. The next guest shows up to the door completely naked except for a pear ontop of his dick. The host asks what he is supposed to be and the naked man replies "I'm deep in dis-pear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g2ing/a_man_hosted_a_halloween_party/
%
You should never take what a sea monsters says seriously.

They're always Kraken jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g2but/you_should_never_take_what_a_sea_monsters_says/
%
I wrote a college paper about government agencies slowly encroaching on internet privacy.

It's called "NSA: An Essay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g2ba7/i_wrote_a_college_paper_about_government_agencies/
%
My wife just found out I replaced the bed with a trampoline

She hit the fucking roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g29rf/my_wife_just_found_out_i_replaced_the_bed_with_a/
%
Did you hear Mickey Mouse filed for divorce from Minnie Mouse?

The judge said he couldn't grant the divorce on grounds of insanity, because he saw no evidence of that. Mickey Mouse said "I never said she was insane! I said she was fucking Goofy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g29ll/did_you_hear_mickey_mouse_filed_for_divorce_from/
%
Why I didn't get the job...

I applied for an executive position at a major corporation.  They called me in for an interview with the board of directors, and it went pretty well.  The next day I got a call... it was the vice president on the line!
"Listen, sir", he told me, "you left me very impressed yesterday.  But there's another candidate for the job.  Very similar education and work background, impressive interview... it's practically a tie between you two".
"Really? So which one of us are you going to hire?" I asked.
"Well," the VP responded, "the Board of Directors has decided to have you both come in to answer a ten question test about our company.  Whoever gets the higher score will get the job.  Be here at 9am sharp tomorrow morning".
So the next morning I go to the VP's office.  The other candidate is there - a very charismatic guy, and obviously really smart.  So we get sat down at two desks, side by side, and are given the test.
A little while later, the VP calls me back into his office.  "Listen... we've scored the tests.  You both got nine out of ten, and both missed question #5.  But we're going to have to go with the other guy."
"What?" I asked, shocked.  "But we got the same question wrong!"
"Yes," the VP answered, "but it had more to do with your answers to #5.  The other candidate answered, 'I don't know', and you answered 'Neither do I'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g28xg/why_i_didnt_get_the_job/
%
Medical science still doesn't have a cure for premature ejaculation,

but researchers say it's coming quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g270n/medical_science_still_doesnt_have_a_cure_for/
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A guy comes home drunk

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.
He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife,
who is most definitely not happy.
“Where the hell have you been all night?” she
demands.
“At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden
Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden
doors, a golden floor and even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next
day checks the phone book, finding a place across town
called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check
her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the
bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender
yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy
that pissed in your saxophone last night!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g22jk/a_guy_comes_home_drunk/
%
What do you call a Black Jew?

.....a menorah-tee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g2236/what_do_you_call_a_black_jew/
%
What do you call a computer that sings?

A-Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1yjh/what_do_you_call_a_computer_that_sings/
%
A guy walks into a clock shop...

He unzips his pants and plops his dick on the counter.
The lady behind the counter say "sir, this is a clock shop, not a cock shop."
He say, "I know, I'd like for you to put two hands and a face on this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1xf4/a_guy_walks_into_a_clock_shop/
%
A police officer called his station on the radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An elderly woman shot her husband for stepping on the kitchen floor she just mopped."
Dispatch replied, "have you arrested the woman yet?"
The officer responded, "Not yet. The floor is still wet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1wzr/a_police_officer_called_his_station_on_the_radio/
%
What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?

It gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1v1w/what_happens_when_you_throw_a_green_rock_into_the/
%
Husband has fun with his wife's sister.

Wife yells at her husband
"You piece of shit! How could you fuck my sister?"
"She was lying naked on my table and you know how attractive I find her. What did you expect me to do?"
"I expected you to do your job and perform the autopsy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1tzh/husband_has_fun_with_his_wifes_sister/
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Did you hear that Donald Trump's wife doesn't want him to run for president?

She says she doesn't want to move into a smaller house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1tct/did_you_hear_that_donald_trumps_wife_doesnt_want/
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What happens on the first date with Bill Cosby?

I don't remember

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1t9x/what_happens_on_the_first_date_with_bill_cosby/
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Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

He's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1no7/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
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Ever wonder why you don't see the energizer bunny anymore?

He got arrested for battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1mpa/ever_wonder_why_you_dont_see_the_energizer_bunny/
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What's a penguins favorite relative?

His Aunt Artica!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1m6x/whats_a_penguins_favorite_relative/
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A man kills 5 flies...

He walks into the kitchen and tells his wife that 3 of them were male and 2 of them were female. The wife is confused. "How do you know?", she asks him.
"Well, there were 3 on the beer bottle and 2 on the mirror", he replies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1k47/a_man_kills_5_flies/
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"Alright Mike Tyson, to win $100,000 you need to name a fashion accessory and a place in Australia."

Mike Tyson:  "That's easy. It's Perth!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1iik/alright_mike_tyson_to_win_100000_you_need_to_name/
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I was just at the beach and heard someone yell "Help! Shark!"

I am pretty sure that shark wasn't going to help him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1dvz/i_was_just_at_the_beach_and_heard_someone_yell/
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All who believe in Telekinesis....

All who believe in Telekinesis raise my hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1b9g/all_who_believe_in_telekinesis/
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Blonde & Brunette go to a movie

they're watching the movie and there's a part of the movie where it looks like the guy is going to jump off a cliff and die.
The blone turns to the brunette and says "I bet you $100 he doesnt jump"  the brunette agrees.
Sure enough, the guy jumps and dies.  As they're leaving the movie, the brunette says the the blonde "I cant take your money, I have to admit, I've seen this movie before so I knew he'd jump"
The blond replies "Well, so did I, and I didnt think he'd jump again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1b5i/blonde_brunette_go_to_a_movie/
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Yeah, great food but no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g18nm/did_you_hear_about_the_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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Teacher and her 3 boy students

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”
Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”
Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”
Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g18ez/teacher_and_her_3_boy_students/
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Harry Potter: "Hermoine, I'm gay"

Hermione: "Are you kidding?"
Harry: "No, I'm fucking Sirius"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g14mv/harry_potter_hermoine_im_gay/
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Child walks in on parents in coitus

Mummy and Daddy are having sex and their beautiful child walks in. Flustered, Mummy leaps off the bed (and off her husband) and wittingly tries to console what she thinks is her scarred son.
son: mummy, what's going on?
mum: oh son! I was just helping your daddy to flatten his belly
son: but why mummy? there's no point. the nanny just comes and blows it back up again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g1213/child_walks_in_on_parents_in_coitus/
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Doctor Ben slept with one of his patients...

Doctor Ben had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Ben, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Ben."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
Ben.....
Ben.....
Ben, you piece of shit...
You're a veterinary doc"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g10y2/doctor_ben_slept_with_one_of_his_patients/
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Right Click!

My dad, who is trying to learn how to use a computer, calls me to help him apply for a job online. It was one of those online applications where you can fill in the forms or just paste your resume in a box. I'm at work so, in the essence of saving time, I attempt to walk him through pasting his resume:
Me: Open your resume in word.
Dad: ok , it's open.
Me: Press "Ctrl+A"
Dad: ok, everything is highlighted now.
Me: Press "Ctrl+C"
Dad: Ok, nothing happened.
Me: Thats ok. Go back to the webpage and find the box to paste your resume.
Dad: Ok I found it.
Me: Right click inside that box.
Dad: Ok done.
Me: What do you see?
Dad: Click
Me: What do you mean click?
Dad: You told me to write click?
Me: I'm done.. You are doomed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g0wb6/right_click/
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Your momma is so ugly....

Bill Cosby gave her coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g0tu6/your_momma_is_so_ugly/
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LAWYERS DON'T LIE

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, "How many children do you have?”
He answered : "12 children.”
The agent asked "Where are the others?'
The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother.”
And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g0sru/lawyers_dont_lie/
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Two Scottish nuns

had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g0s5k/two_scottish_nuns/
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what is worse than locking your keys in your car parked at planned parent hood?

going inside to borrow a coat hanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g0pfm/what_is_worse_than_locking_your_keys_in_your_car/
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If you managed to figure out the code to someone else's luggage...

Could you say you solved the case?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g0p72/if_you_managed_to_figure_out_the_code_to_someone/
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Did you hear about the chicken who liked classical music?

I swear it was all he talked about. He would go on and on. "Bach, Bach, Bach"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g0klg/did_you_hear_about_the_chicken_who_liked/
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I like to start every morning with a good fuck.

Oh fuck...it's time to get up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g0iqk/i_like_to_start_every_morning_with_a_good_fuck/
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How do you kill 20 flies at once?

Slap that little Ethiopian in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g0io1/how_do_you_kill_20_flies_at_once/
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There once was a man who was in love with trains...

From a young age, Jack had been obsessed with everything trains. He'd always wanted to get a job working with them. He spent all of his spare time playing on train tracks, riding trains, and reading about them. Eventually the time had come for Jack to go to college. So he went to school to become an engineer, and studied hard.
Jack graduated at the top of his class, and got a job with a global train company, driving the trains. Jack loved his job, it was his dream. Unfortunately, within the first few months, he caused a major crash that killed a slew of people. Jack was fired, and had to go find work elsewhere.
By determination and a stroke of sheer luck, Jack again found a job with a national train company. It was smaller than the global one, but still a very good gig, and would allow Jack to do what he loved. A few months into that job, he caused yet another crash, killing more people. Again, Jack was fired and had to start looking for a new job.
Throughout the next few years, Jack jumped from company to company, trying to hold on to the job he enjoyed so dearly but ultimately killing people through accidental train crashes. After some time, there were just no companies that would hire Jack.
Deciding to go where nobody knew his name, Jack managed to get a job in a small town, again driving the local trains. He was elated, he had found his dream job again. As it would happen, a couple months in, he crashed the train, and everyone on it died.
Eventually, Jack's guilt caught up with him, he gave up on trying to drive trains, quit working, confessed his accidental crimes, and was sentenced to death by electric chair.
The day of the execution, the executioner sat him down, asked him for any last words. Jack had none. The switch was flipped, Jack was zapped...
... and remained alive.
Distraught, the executioner tried again, but to no avail.
He unshackled Jack and asked, "why won't you die?"
Jack answered, "well, I suppose I'm just not a good conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g0id8/there_once_was_a_man_who_was_in_love_with_trains/
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A young soldier is sent to a military base in the middle of a desert.

After a few weeks he starts to get extremely horny, so he goes to the captain to ask him what to do.
"Chief, how can you withstand such long times without women?"
"You get used to it soon, but if you really miss them, there's a camel in the stable that you can use."
He is disgusted by the thought at first, but after a long time he goes there and does his business. At last, dirty and tired to death, he is done. On his way back he meets the captain.
"Boss, it was so hard, how do others do it?"
"Normally, we sit on the camel and ride to the city."
(Sorry for bad English)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g0hjc/a_young_soldier_is_sent_to_a_military_base_in_the/
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A guy walks into a convenience store...

he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it and the woman at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single?" And he says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" And she says, "Because you're really fucking ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g0fcu/a_guy_walks_into_a_convenience_store/
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My girlfriend is a porn star!

She's gonna be pissed when she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fzzkm/my_girlfriend_is_a_porn_star/
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Drugs don't ruin your career.

Drug tests do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fzwgr/drugs_dont_ruin_your_career/
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Rest in peace boiled water

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fzw12/rest_in_peace_boiled_water/
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Have you heard about corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines.
..I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fzug5/have_you_heard_about_corduroy_pillows/
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Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fztzj/why_i_fired_my_secretary/
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My body is well-defined.

If you look under the word "flabby".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fztt4/my_body_is_welldefined/
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It's a sad moment when you realize

the trash goes out more often than you do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fzss2/its_a_sad_moment_when_you_realize/
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QA engineer walks into a bar ...(x-post from r/programmerHumor)

Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fzqjz/qa_engineer_walks_into_a_bar_xpost_from/
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Now I'm not saying you're old...

but if you were milk I'd smell you before pouring you on my cereal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fzp8q/now_im_not_saying_youre_old/
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An old man and his wife die...

An old man and his wife die in an accident and go to heaven. There, an angel gives them a beautiful house by the beach and everything they want. All they have to do is stay in the vicinity and enjoy themselves.
The old man turns to his wife and says: "You idiot! We could have come here 10 years ago, but noooo, you wanted to eat healthy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fzngl/an_old_man_and_his_wife_die/
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Umgawala!

The British came to America wanting to colonize the land some years after it had been discovered by Colombus. With the help of a translator the british ambassador made a speech to the general populous telling them how amazing things would be under the British rule.
"We will make roads for you" he said, and people shouted "Umgawala Umgawala"
pumped by the enthusiastic response he said "We will provide the best education for all" and once again "Umgawala".
"We will provide clean drinking water and irrigation systems"
"Umgawala"
and so on he went. After the speech he went with his translator for a tour of the local lands to meet the people in person. They came across a cattle farm. As he was admiring the healthy cattle his translator shouted "Look out! You almost stepped into some Umgawala."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fzljv/umgawala/
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A man walks into a bakery...

So a man walks into a bakery with a fish under his arm. When he gets in there, the baker greets him and asks him how he could help the man.
"Do you sell fish cakes?", the man asks the baker.
"No, of course we don't!" the baker replies.
"But it's his birthday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fzjch/a_man_walks_into_a_bakery/
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I will let you borrow any movie from my Pixar collection, except one.

I'm never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fzhte/i_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from_my_pixar/
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comeback is real!

A professor and a fool
A professor was walking along a very narrow hall when he came face to face with a rival.
The passage way was too narrow for two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said with a sneer,
“I never make way for fools!”
Smiling, the Gracious Professor stepped aside and with a bow replied, “I Always Do.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fzfev/comeback_is_real/
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An older, heavyset lady walks into a tattoo parlor.

She tells the artist that she wants Roy Orbison on the inside of her left thigh and Johnny Cash on the inside of her right thigh. After 4 painful hours, the artist rolls his chair back looking satisfied. She looks down and tells the artist that they just don't look right to her.
The artist goes outside and finds someone for a second opinion. He walks in with the town drunk stumbling in tow and explains the situation. The drunk says "Well, I don't know about those two, but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fzcoz/an_older_heavyset_lady_walks_into_a_tattoo_parlor/
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Last night I went for a rectal exam

The doctor told me that I really should stop masturbating.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because I'm trying to give you a rectal examination"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fz8xk/last_night_i_went_for_a_rectal_exam/
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If you touch your computer in all the right places...

You can turn it on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fz4o0/if_you_touch_your_computer_in_all_the_right_places/
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What do a plumber and a walrus have in common?

They both like a good, tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fz27c/what_do_a_plumber_and_a_walrus_have_in_common/
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A driver in Manhattan is looking for a parking space

He is driving for 30 minutes looking for a place to park his car. Desperately, he looks up and pray to god: "God if you get me a parking space, i will go religious, never drink, lie or swear and will help people from now on".
As he finishes that - he sees a huge parking space. He lifts his head up and says: "God - cancel that - no need, i got it"...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fyyh1/a_driver_in_manhattan_is_looking_for_a_parking/
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Bula Joke.

One day, the teacher asks Bula "What is soft, pink and gives you pleasure?"
Bula answers confidently "Pussy!" and gets slapped out of his chair.
"Watch your language! I was talking about cotton candy."
Bula, angry, asks the teacher.
"How about this. What is long and hard when you put it in your mouth and soft and sticky when you pull it out?"
Bula gets slapped once again.
"Chill, I was talking about chewing gum."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fyx5m/bula_joke/
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Buddhist vs hot dog vendor

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
the Buddhist gives him a fifty, and the vendor pockets it. The Buddhist asks for change and the vendor replies 'Change comes from within.'
The Buddhist pulls out a gun. "Whoa," the vendor exclaims. "I thought you guys were about inner peace!"
The Buddhist replies, "This is my inner piece."
The vendor replies, "No need to get violent. Do you want the fifty back or something valuable I recently found?"
The Buddhist replies, "What did you find?"
The vendor holds up a small peppermint chocolate with a hole in the middle, holds it up to the sun until a small light shines through the hole, and says "A light in mint".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fyvkd/buddhist_vs_hot_dog_vendor/
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Difference Between Stop, and Slow Down!

One of my grandpa's favorites
So a man doesn't stop at a stop sign, and shortly after gets pulled over.
Cop: Why didn't you stop at that stop sign?
Man: Well I slowed down, didn't see anybody and kept driving. If you can tell me the difference between stop and slowing down I'll pay the ticket
The Officer pulls out his nightstick and beats the man.
Cop: Now do you want me to slow down, or stop?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fyvbo/difference_between_stop_and_slow_down/
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I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but

apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fyv7c/i_thought_my_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife_from/
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Reincarnation

I stole this from a comment thread in a local newspaper.
Here we go:
I was talking to my ex wife once about reincarnation.
She asked, "What actually is reincarnation?"
I said to her, "Well, it's when you die and come back as something completely different."
"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed.
I said, "You're not listening are you...?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fytyx/reincarnation/
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Why do white girls like odd numbers?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fys9p/why_do_white_girls_like_odd_numbers/
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My teacher asked me what a main feature of a greek tragedy was....

Apparently Bankruptcy was the wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fyql3/my_teacher_asked_me_what_a_main_feature_of_a/
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It's important to distinguish between a seal and a sealion.

A sealion is just like a seal, but it's either gained or lost electrons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fynsf/its_important_to_distinguish_between_a_seal_and_a/
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The Study of the Penis. [SFW]

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year, and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The Irish, unsatisfied with those findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.34, and many pints of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fymb8/the_study_of_the_penis_sfw/
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A man goes out for a few beers

My Uncle told me this joke years ago while we were camping. It's way better in person, but gives me a little chuckle every time :)
***
A man goes out for a few beers after a long day at work. He sits at the bar alone for some time before making idle conversation with the new barkeep who'd just begun a shift. They exchange stories, as the man himself once tended bar in his younger days, and he continues to drink. 3AM rolls around before he knows it and his new friend The Bartender tells him it's time to pack it in.
"Alright Buddy, it's been fun, but I gotta close up."
The man smiles, clumsily grabs his wallet from his back pocket and throws a twenty down on the table. He thanks The Bartender for the good conversation and swings around on the stool before falling flat on his face. He looks to the door and thinks to himself that if he can just get outside and get some fresh air, he'll be alright. So he crawls across the room, unnoticed by The Bartender as he counts out his till, and shimmies up the doorway. With a quick turn of the knob, the door lurches forward and the man finds himself making quick friends with the sidewalk.
"Fuck!" He shouts as he lifts himself by his elbows. It's quite dark out and the only real good source of light is coming from a streetlight across and down the road a ways. He begins his exciting crawl. Once he reaches the streetlight he pulls himself up again, readying himself for the walk home, before falling forward once more.
"That's it!" He figures he's had far too many drinks this evening, and makes the genius decision to crawl home.
Luckily the man doesn't live too far away and it's not long before he sees his house just down the street. He continues his crawl, up the street, past the ratty shack his neighbours call home, and across his lawn. He pulls himself up the stairs to his front porch, grabs the doorknob and pulls himself upright, pushing the door forward and, again, falling flat on his face.
The man figures he's had just about enough of this tonight, nudges the door shut behind him, and lets his head rest on one of his slippers in the entrance way before slipping off into dreamland.
The smell of fresh coffee and the sound of birds chirping and dishes clanging seem to wake the man up all at once. He aches all over and can't quite recall why he's slept on the floor in the entranceway of his house. His wife rounds the corner from the kitchen with a mug of steaming hot coffee in her hands.
"Good Morning," she begins, with a crooked smile on her face. "A nice man named Frank called, he works at the bar you were at last night."
Silence. The man readies himself for a good, stern talking to.
She places the coffee down beside her husband and gives him a gentle pat on the back. "You forgot your wheelchair there last night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fyglb/a_man_goes_out_for_a_few_beers/
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Did you hear about the overweight introvert who thought he had won the hot dog eating contest?

Turns out he was just a bit shy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fyfm4/did_you_hear_about_the_overweight_introvert_who/
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Why did the whale cross the road?

To get to the other tide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fyec4/why_did_the_whale_cross_the_road/
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Why do some women wear panties with flowers on them?

In memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fyagg/why_do_some_women_wear_panties_with_flowers_on/
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Why did 10 die?

Because he was in the middle of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fy2on/why_did_10_die/
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My pastor asked me how I view lesbian relations.

Apparently "In HD" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fy2fr/my_pastor_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian_relations/
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fy29f/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fy00u/after_the_beer_festival_all_the_brewery/
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Why did the duck cross the basketball court?

He heard the referees were blowing fouls...
-Jim Norton

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxxqs/why_did_the_duck_cross_the_basketball_court/
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I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.

The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote"
and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxw1h/i_got_my_family_banned_from_playing_family_feud/
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Our Great Dane has been causing quite a smell around my house.

Whenever he barks I shit myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxvqv/our_great_dane_has_been_causing_quite_a_smell/
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Dear Middle Finger,

Thanks for always sticking up for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxqo7/dear_middle_finger/
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What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxqjl/whats_better_than_winning_a_gold_medal_at_the/
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Why can't lesbians have sex at concerts?

Because rock beats scissors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxqha/why_cant_lesbians_have_sex_at_concerts/
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So a bus full of nuns die

So sorry if a repost, I'm new at this.
So a bus full of nuns die and they are greeted by St. Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter announces
"If anyone has touched a penis please step forward, dip your hands in the Holy water and then you may enter heaven.
So the first sister steps forward and dips her right hand in the water and then is allowed to pass through
The next nun approaches and dips both hands in and is allowed to enter heaven.
Then suddenly from the back a sister comes running and
St Peter exclaims "Sister Mary there's plenty of time what's the hurry?"
To which Sister Mary replies "Hey if I have to gargle this shit I'm doing it before Sister Patrick sticks her ass in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxq3y/so_a_bus_full_of_nuns_die/
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Wrong Erection.

went to the doctor for a prostate exam....
while examening me the doctor said;"some men can get an erection during this exam",
i repleyed; "not me"
Doctor;" i wasn't talking about you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxp74/wrong_erection/
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I'm a man of my word...

and that word is "unreliable"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxogq/im_a_man_of_my_word/
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Do you remember that time you met Bill Cosby?

No?
Add another one to the list!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxo0i/do_you_remember_that_time_you_met_bill_cosby/
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What's the difference between a large pizza and a bass guitarist?

A large pizza can feed a family of four!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxnxz/whats_the_difference_between_a_large_pizza_and_a/
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If I ever see my wife asleep with her mouth wide open, I seize the opportunity. First I unzip my pants, then I pull out my penis...

And then I have sex with her sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxn69/if_i_ever_see_my_wife_asleep_with_her_mouth_wide/
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3 legged chickens.

A man was driving down a country lane one day when he looked into a farmer's field and noticed that all of the chickens in the field had 3 legs.  He became curious as to why all of the chickens had 3 legs, so he pulled into the farmer's driveway, walked up the house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer came to door, the man said "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was driving by and noticed that all of your chickens have 3 legs.  Why?"
"Well", said the farmer, "It's like this.  Me, my wife and our son all really enjoy eating chicken and we all prefer the drumstick.  So to stop table-side fights over who got the drumstick, I selectively bred all my chickens to have 3 legs, so that we each get a drumstick at dinner time."
"That's amazing!", said the man.  "Did the selective breeding change the taste of the chicken at all?"
To which the farmer replied, "I don't know, we can't catch the little bastards!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxl5z/3_legged_chickens/
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I was going to say a joke about Sodium. .

But Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxill/i_was_going_to_say_a_joke_about_sodium/
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You know what I don't get?

Laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxi7j/you_know_what_i_dont_get/
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I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me.  No need to be a dick about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxhqt/i_hate_it_when_homeless_people_shake_their_change/
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A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"
Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxgx8/a_black_man_a_muslim_and_a_communist_walk_into_a/
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10 Facts about you

1.You're reading this
2.You think that's stupid
4.You didn't notice I missed out 3
5.Now your checking it
6.Now you're getting upset
8.You didn't notice I missed out 7
9.Now your checking
10.Your wondering how many times you can fall or the same trick
11.You didn't notice there's only supposed to be 10 facts.
12.There are only 10 facts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxc4u/10_facts_about_you/
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Who's concerts cost only 45 cents to attend?

50 Cent ft. Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxbr3/whos_concerts_cost_only_45_cents_to_attend/
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A man walks into a bar.....

A man walks into a bar, sits down in front of the bartender and looks around.
He says” If I can show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen can I get a free drink?”
Bartender replies “I don’t know, I’ve seen some pretty amazing things in my day……sure, if you can top them, free drink on me”
The man reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a Rat, reaches into his other pocket and brings out a tiny piano. Sets them both down on the bar.
The Rat sits down at the piano and starts stretching his fingers and stretching his arms. Then it starts playing the blues.
The bartender says ”HOLY SHIT! That is the most amazing thing I have ever seen! Free drink on me buddy, whatever you like!”
So the man orders his drink, grabs the rat, picks up the piano and sits down in a booth to enjoy his beverage.
A little while later he finishes his drink and heads back up to the bar. He says to the bartender “If I can show you something even more amazing than that can I have free drinks all night??”
The bartender thinks about it, and says “sure…you know what, if you can top that free drinks on me all night!”
So the man reaches into his back pocket pulls out the rat, reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the piano.
Rat sits down at the piano and starts stretching his fingers, and stretching his arms. Then the man reaches into his front pocket and pulls out a bull frog.
The Rat starts playing the blues and the bull frog starts singing the blues!
“HOLY SHIT!!” says the bartender. “God DAMN, Ok buddy, drinks on me all night, whatever you want!!”
Sitting in the corner of the bar is a sharply dressed young man, gold chain, greased hair, fancy shoes. The young man says “Sir, excuse me…but how much for the bullfrog?”
The man replies “sorry buddy, I could never sell my bullfrog”
Young man says”$1,000, right now for the bullfrog”
The man replies “no, I couldn’t sell him, too much sentimental attachment”
Young man says “okay, okay…$10,000 dollars!!”
The man replies “no son, I just can’t sell him!”
Young man says “$50,000 cash! Right now, I’ve got it in my briefcase, $50,000 for the bullfrog!!”
The man thinks for a moment, looks at the young man and replies, “Ok, 50 grand? Fine… I will sell you the bullfrog”
Young man opens his briefcase and reveals the pile of cash, hands it to the man. The man gives him the bullfrog and young man leaves on his way, whistling as he goes.
After he leaves, the bartender comes over and says, “hey….I don’t mean to tell you your business…. But I think you could have gotten way more than fifty thousand for that bullfrog!!”
The man replies “Naaah, don’t worry about it. The Rats a ventriloquist”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fx9f3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I didn't get this joke ? please help

A young man is sentenced to fifteen years
in prison. The warden
takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell
with a kindly oldtimer
so that he can be shown the ropes and not
get himself in trouble.
So the oldtimer teachs the youngster the
rules of the prison, what
to do, what not to do, stuff like that. One
of the rules he learns
is that there is no talking allowed during
meals.
A curious thing happens during meals
though and the young prisoner
is a bit confused. In the large mess hall,
once everyone is seated,
one of the prisoners stands up and loudly
says, "47." Everyone
in the hall laughs hysterically. A few
minutes later, another
prisoner stands up and loudly says, "19."
Again, a torrent of
laughter from everyone. This goes on
throughout the meal.
Later, when the youngster and the
oldtimer get back to their cell,
the young man asks, "What was going in
the mess hall tonight? I
thought you said there was no talking
allowed."
"Ah, yes, the mess hall. Well years ago,
the warden eased up on
that rule a bit, the one that disallows
talking at meals. You see,
all of us inmates have memorized a long
list of jokes and stories
by the number, so that all one of us has to
do is call out its
number, and, because we have all of the
stories memorized, it's
like someone told the whole funny story."
The young inmate nods understandingly
and falls off to sleep.
After a few weeks of this mealtime
behavior, the young man gets
up a bit of nerve and decides to tell a
story.
So, one evening at the dinner meal, he
stands up and loudly says,
"26." No one laughs. Not even a twitter.
So he tries again, "26."
Still nothing. He sits down sheepishly and
embarrassed.
Later, he pleads with the oldtimer to
explain what happened.
"That is such a good story, number 26, how
come no one laughed."
The old man turned to him and explained,
"It's the way you told it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fx818/i_didnt_get_this_joke_please_help/
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I was just diagnosed with colorblindness...

I was so surprised, it just came out of the green!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fx6np/i_was_just_diagnosed_with_colorblindness/
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Why can't you find pirates in Kansas?

They all live in Arkansas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fwwt7/why_cant_you_find_pirates_in_kansas/
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Did you know there is a Virus that turns fruits into vegetables?

It's called AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fws2y/did_you_know_there_is_a_virus_that_turns_fruits/
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For someone with a penis, wearing skinny jeans is a lot like living in a cheap mansion...

There's no ballroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fwqj7/for_someone_with_a_penis_wearing_skinny_jeans_is/
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A man walks in to a store and buys a pack of cigarettes.

As the clerk hands the pack to him he says "you should really read the warning on them". "It says right here that smoking causes erectile dysfunction and highly increases your rate for impotence". The man looks at him in shock and says "can I just get the lung cancer ones".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fwpxd/a_man_walks_in_to_a_store_and_buys_a_pack_of/
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It's Paddy's first time out of Ireland

and he's on a Mediterranean cruise. His breakfast table assignment is with a Frenchman. Neither speak the other's language. The first day, the latter's first words to Paddy are "bon appetite", and the former responds "Paddy Murphy." This exact exchange happens the next day as well. The third day Paddy arrives first at the table and the French waiter who has witnessed these exchanges, says to him "Monsieur, when he says 'bon appetite' it means 'have a good meal' . That is not his name." Paddy says, "oh, I see. Thanks!" When the Frenchman arrives, Paddy says "Bon Appetite!" and the Frenchman responds, "Paddy Murphy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fwj7h/its_paddys_first_time_out_of_ireland/
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Why do the Minnesota vikings wear purple as a team color?

If you've been choking for 50 years, you'd be purple too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fweib/why_do_the_minnesota_vikings_wear_purple_as_a/
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What's the definition of a great farmer?

He's outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fw9tg/whats_the_definition_of_a_great_farmer/
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Why did Sally drop her ice cream while crossing the street?

She got hit by a Bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fw96u/why_did_sally_drop_her_ice_cream_while_crossing/
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What's the last thing a Tickle-Me Elmo gets before leaving the factory?

Two test-tickles!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fw47d/whats_the_last_thing_a_tickleme_elmo_gets_before/
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next ha has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there but he eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office. But he's patient and gets the job done. Finally the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fw3j0/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
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What do you call two men hanging from a window sill?

Kurt and Rod

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvzlz/what_do_you_call_two_men_hanging_from_a_window/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvxyt/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvxfn/what_has_four_legs_is_big_green_fuzzy_and_if_it/
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On an analog clock, 6:30 is the best time of day...

Hands down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvwly/on_an_analog_clock_630_is_the_best_time_of_day/
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My Chinese friend died today...

So Yung

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvw03/my_chinese_friend_died_today/
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Sometimes I wake up grouchy

sometimes I let her sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvs6o/sometimes_i_wake_up_grouchy/
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A husband and wife are unable to have children, so they decide to adopt...

They eventually find a boy from Spain named Juan, and bring him back to America to live with them.
Years later, they learn from the adoption agency that Juan has a twin brother, who was raised by an Arab family. His parents were tragically killed, so the boy, named Amal, needs a home to live. So, since they wanted another kid anyways, they decide to adopt him.
The husband and wife are looking through the adoption papers for Amal a few days before seeing him, and the wife glances at a picture of him, and asks the husband if he would like to know what the boy looks like.
The husband shrugs and says: "Well, they are twin brothers, so I think I already know what he looks like. You know, once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvror/a_husband_and_wife_are_unable_to_have_children_so/
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Why California is broke and Texas is not.

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
He calls animal control. Animal control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases. The governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and getting his bite wound bandaged.
The running trail gets shut down for six months while the California Fish and Game Department conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals. The governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a 'coyote awareness program' for residents of the area. The Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
The governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training, re: the nature of coyotes. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.
The governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and tries to attack him and his dog. The governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging.
The governor spent 50 cents on a .380-caliber, hollow-point cartridge. Buzzards ate the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
Source: http://economy.money.cnn.com/2012/10/10/california-texas-richard-fisher/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvplv/why_california_is_broke_and_texas_is_not/
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Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. ‘
Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvo9x/skinny_dipping/
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If ISIS would really like the world to take notice of their intentions!

They should kill a lion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvnrt/if_isis_would_really_like_the_world_to_take/
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Europe must have a detergent based economy..

..because it's tough on Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvmz5/europe_must_have_a_detergent_based_economy/
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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day...

...set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvj78/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
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I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvggn/i_think_my_neighbor_is_stalking_me_as_shes_been/
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José was embarassed of his weight.

No weigh José

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvew6/josé_was_embarassed_of_his_weight/
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How do Dolphins live their lives?

With a porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvdf4/how_do_dolphins_live_their_lives/
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A traditional Iranian joke

A man has a very bad case of worms so he goes to very famous doctor. the doctor assesses his case and says go to the market buy the biggest juicy watermelon you can find, cut off one end drop your pants and sit on it. The worms will go into it and leave your body. So the guy does just that and when he sits down the king worm comes out tastes the watermelon and says " bring it in boys"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fvclx/a_traditional_iranian_joke/
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There was a massive explosion at a French cheese factory this morning...

All that remains is de brie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fv92v/there_was_a_massive_explosion_at_a_french_cheese/
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Dinner with Girlfriends parents..

Ambitious boyfriend visits a chemist store to buy some condoms for the evening..
The store owner recommends him some new flavoured and textured codoms and the guy talks at length with him on the evolution of condoms and finally buys a pack of six..
Upon reaching his girlfriends place in the evening he is introduced to his GFs father.
He bows down before him as a mark of respect and is in that position for sometime
"I didnt know you believed in the asian custom of bowing" says his GF.
In a nervous murmur, he exclaims "I didnt know that your father was a chemist!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fv5hy/dinner_with_girlfriends_parents/
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3 drunk guys enterd a taxi...

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked but then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fv0pl/3_drunk_guys_enterd_a_taxi/
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1 dollar for dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?
Me: “asstasticbum”
Homeless man: “So asstasticbum, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”
Me: “two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?”
Me: “two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?”
Me: “two?”
Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: “I don’t know? A lot?”
Homeless man: “Well asstasticbum, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”
Credits to /u/asstasticbum. He is the owner and OP of this story. Im just retelling it.
Front page whooo hooo!! First time this has happened for me :D Im estatic :)
Sorry for not adding link earlier. I had saved this post on my ColorNote app and i found it today. Apologies to people who are whining i did this for karma (TEXT post gives NO KARMA)
Link to original story HERE:: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1rwb5t/i_paid_a_homeless_lady_in_nashville_1_for_two/cdrqcwl?context=3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fv074/1_dollar_for_dirty_joke/
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Go down a water slide when it isn't wet.

And then you'll understand the importance of foreplay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fuzhv/go_down_a_water_slide_when_it_isnt_wet/
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They say time flies like the wind..

But fruit flies like bananas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fuzcx/they_say_time_flies_like_the_wind/
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I hear people complaining about their jobs a lot, well I'm a nurse and I touched six dicks yesterday

And it was my day off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fuxaa/i_hear_people_complaining_about_their_jobs_a_lot/
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What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fuvij/what_does_a_clock_do_when_its_hungry/
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What did one orphan say to the other?

"Robin, get in the Batmobile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fuup3/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
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Whats blue and doesn't fit anymore

A dead epileptic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fuq77/whats_blue_and_doesnt_fit_anymore/
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Why can't you starve in the desert?

Because of all the sandwiches there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fuq65/why_cant_you_starve_in_the_desert/
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Climber and a cliff...

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.
"Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.
"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fug8h/climber_and_a_cliff/
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On the news tonight they said a skull-fucker was on the loose...

everyone should keep an eye out for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fufll/on_the_news_tonight_they_said_a_skullfucker_was/
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What does it sound like when two churches fight?

Pew Pew PEWPEWPEW!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fud59/what_does_it_sound_like_when_two_churches_fight/
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fu9od/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Because their women don't want it unless it's 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fu7re/why_do_jewish_men_get_circumcised/
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Three men stand at the Pearly Gates

God tells the three men that Heaven is near it's quota for the day and only one man will be allowed in.
All three men have lived good lives, so God decides he will choose who gets in to Heaven based on how they died.  Whoever had the worst luck will get in to Heaven.
So the first man tells his story.
> I married the love of my life.  But she was too good looking for me.  So I worked 60 hours a week to give her a good life.  But because I worked so much, we barely got to be together and rarely had sex.  After a while I had a hunch she was cheating on me.  So I left work early one day and came home to our beautiful condo in our high rise building.  When I entered, she was in the shower.  So I snooped around thinking I'd find some evidence of a man being there.  I looked everywhere but there was no evidence of another man in the condo.  Distraught that I could think so low of the love of my life, I went out to our balcony to think everything over.  But when I got out there, I saw a pair of hands hanging on to the ledge.  I knew this must be the man my wife was cheating with.  So I stomped his hands until he fell to the ground.  But he wasn't dead.  So I went inside and found the biggest thing I could throw off the ledge... The fridge.  I threw it down and crushed him.  Knowing the love of my life was unfaithful, I decided to take my own life.  I shot myself, and next thing I know, I'm up here talking to you.
The second man immediately starts his story:
> Well!... I was working out on my treadmill as I always do.  But it was extremely hot in my condo, so I went to open the window and fell out.  I thought I was going to die, but luckily I was able to grab the ledge of the balcony below mine.  I was hanging there trying to pull myself up, when a crazy man started stomping my hands.  I held on as hard as I could, but I fell to the ground.  I thought I was dead.  But I survived the fall.  But just when I was thanking my lucky stars, I look up to see a fridge falling from the sky.  Next thing I know, I'm up here talking to you.
The third man finally gets to tell his story:
> Well, there I am, naked, sitting in some guys refrigerator...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ftul8/three_men_stand_at_the_pearly_gates/
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Problems...

Husband: Honey, I have a problem
Wife: Don't say "you" have a problem, instead say "we", remember your problems are my problems too, honey.
Husband: Ok, "our" secretary is having a baby that' is "ours".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ftkr4/problems/
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A man tried to force his wife to take an aspirin when she got in bed with him.

She began yelling and saying "I don't have a headache!"
The man replied, "Good, let's fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ftjoe/a_man_tried_to_force_his_wife_to_take_an_aspirin/
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Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk?

My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ftg9y/remember_when_teachers_asked_to_lie_quietly_with/
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Three Hobos...

...are walking along a railroad track in the early morning. It's been days since their last meal, and they are quite hungry. They came upon a dead rat. "Breakfast!", exclaimed the first one, and he gobbled it up.  A short time later, they found a half-eaten raccoon carcass. "Oh, boy! Brunch!", yelled the second one, and he quickly devoured it. After a little while, both men began to feel sick to their stomachs.  Suddenly the first one stopped and puked his guts out; this caused the second to lose his meal almost simultaneously.  The third hobo simply smiled and said "Mmm...a nice, hot, lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ftezz/three_hobos/
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How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ftee7/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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Wrapping Paper Cowboy

A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper.
Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.
Of course he was soon arrested for rustling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fte52/wrapping_paper_cowboy/
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I organized a threesome last night.

There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ftcxq/i_organized_a_threesome_last_night/
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The other day I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall...

He was a little condescending

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ftalt/the_other_day_i_saw_a_midget_climbing_down_a/
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What's the difference between a doctor and a chair salesman?

The chair salesman gives YOU a stool sample.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ftacp/whats_the_difference_between_a_doctor_and_a_chair/
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Three logicians go to a bar

The waiter asks if they would all like a drink
The first responds "I don't know"
The second responds "I don't know"
And the third responds "Yes, why thank you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ft7gq/three_logicians_go_to_a_bar/
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"Honey, why are there broken condoms on the backyard?"

And that's when his wife replied shouting: "I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING THE KIDS THAT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ft6y3/honey_why_are_there_broken_condoms_on_the_backyard/
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A poem by Stevie Wonder

Roses are black
Violets are black
Everything is black
I can't see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ft6rq/a_poem_by_stevie_wonder/
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One day a boy was answering all the questions right in class....

Girl: Wow, what a fucking nerd
Teacher: Be nice, he might be your boss one day
Boy: Nah, I don't ever plan on being a pimp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ft40s/one_day_a_boy_was_answering_all_the_questions/
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I went to the optometrist the other day and he told me I was colourblind...

It came right out of the purple

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ft2np/i_went_to_the_optometrist_the_other_day_and_he/
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Tickle Me Elmo

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
[Credit to this website](http://tcrc.acor.org/jokeframe.html?joke=joke28)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ft1r8/tickle_me_elmo/
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A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, can I have fifty dollars?"

The father looks at him and says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsz1t/a_jewish_boy_walks_up_to_his_father_and_says_dad/
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Knock Knock

Who's there?
Gilbert Melendez
Gilbert Melendez who?
Gilbert may lend deez nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsy6x/knock_knock/
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What do girlfriends and ass hairs have in common?

They never let shit go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsxpg/what_do_girlfriends_and_ass_hairs_have_in_common/
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How do you go from Windows 9 to windows 10

You have to get enough Windows XP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsvrr/how_do_you_go_from_windows_9_to_windows_10/
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Do you know the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?

Acne waits until after puberty to come on your face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsvle/do_you_know_the_difference_between_acne_and_a/
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I just moved in to a new flat with two girls...

I just moved in to a new flat with two girls, it's been a bit of a nightmare to be honest. The first one has really bad OCD, whenever she goes in to a room she has to turn the light switch on and off 17 times. That's nothing compared to the other one, she's got epilepsy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fstei/i_just_moved_in_to_a_new_flat_with_two_girls/
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A priest and a rabbi agree to a silent debate

the priest holds up 3 fingers, the rabbi holds up one. The priest points all around him the rabbi points at the ground. the priest pulls out bread and wine the rabbi pulls out an apple. When the priest gets back to his church his fellow priests ask him how did the debate go the priest answers "I don't know I said we're all under the Holy Trinity he told me their is only one god. then I told him that God was all around us, he says god is right here and finally I pulled out the body and blood of Christ and he pulled out the Apple of Eden'. The rabbi Goes back to his temple and his fellow rabbis ask him so how did the debate go the rabbi answers "I don't know he told me I have 3 days to get out, I put up my middle finger to say fuck you. he told me that I had to get out of this whole area I pointed my finger to the ground and said I'm staying right here and then he pulled out his snack so I pulled out my snack"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsswk/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_agree_to_a_silent_debate/
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A black man is sitting at a bar, when a gay guy offers him a blowjob...

The black man punches the gay guy in the face, knocking him out.
The bar tender asks the black man, "What did he say to you that made you so upset?"
The black man replies, "He offered me a job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fssny/a_black_man_is_sitting_at_a_bar_when_a_gay_guy/
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What did the doctor say to the prosecutor?

You're trying my patients!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsrbq/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_prosecutor/
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I would tell the one about Jonestown..

But the punch line is too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsr9p/i_would_tell_the_one_about_jonestown/
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Hear about the baby with AIDS?

It never gets old...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsq39/hear_about_the_baby_with_aids/
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I was walking down the street when I saw a black man carrying a tv...

I could've swore it was mine, but then I remembered mine was at the house polishing my shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fspu2/i_was_walking_down_the_street_when_i_saw_a_black/
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Life is like a box of chocolates...

it doesn't last long if you're fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fspoi/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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I was in a bar the other night...

...and overheard three very hefty women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, ladies are you from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that is the last ting I remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fspii/i_was_in_a_bar_the_other_night/
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If a kids room is clean, be skeptical

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fspds/if_a_kids_room_is_clean_be_skeptical/
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I bought shoes from my drug dealer.

I'm not sure what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fso8h/i_bought_shoes_from_my_drug_dealer/
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Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma,how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsmjq/grandmas_boyfriend/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsgt1/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Did you know humans are born with four kidneys?

Two of them grow into adult knees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsgrp/did_you_know_humans_are_born_with_four_kidneys/
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Why does Beyonce say "To the left, to the left"?

Because black people have no rights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsgq8/why_does_beyonce_say_to_the_left_to_the_left/
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An obese man is trying to lose weight

His friend tells him about this gym where he can lose all his unwanted fat within a few days.
The man goes to that gym, the coach welcomes him "Hello, welcome to the best gym ever. Today you will work in the first floor, where you will lose 20 pounds in 2 hours."
The man enters the first floor, he finds an attractive woman. "Catch me and i will let you do what you want with me!" she says.
and he starts chasing her.
The man lost 20 pounds after a 2 hour chase. He comes back the next day, the coach welcomes him "Welcome back, today you will work in the second floor, where you will lose 40 pounds in four hours."
The man enters the second floor, he finds a very extremely attractive woman. "Catch me and i will let you do what you want with me!" she says.
The man chases her for four hours and loses 40 pounds. He goes to the gym the next day, the coach welcomes him "Welcome again. Today is your last day here, you will work in the third floor, where you will lose the rest of your unwanted fat."
The man enters the third floor, he finds a tall black man.
"If i catch you bitch, i'm going to fuck you in the ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsggq/an_obese_man_is_trying_to_lose_weight/
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How do you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife's clothes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsfch/how_do_you_tell_your_girlfriend_is_getting_fat/
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What does your ass hole do when you orgasm? (NSFW)

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably down at the bar with his friends."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsel3/what_does_your_ass_hole_do_when_you_orgasm_nsfw/
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What does Mr. Miyagi do during his alone time?

Whacks on, whacks off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fse7u/what_does_mr_miyagi_do_during_his_alone_time/
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[NSFW] Black Jack, the infamous bandit

Far in the Wild West, the people of a small town were having a good time at the local bar, when suddenly someone rushes in the door and yells
"Everybody run! Black Jack, the infamous bandit is comin' to town!"
Everyone starts panicking and runs out the bar as fast as they can. The bartender notices someone is still at his table drinking his beer. He says
"What are you waiting for? Didn't you hear? Black Jack, the infamous bandit is comin' to town!"
The man replies
"Sure, hold on! I'm just finishing my beer first, then I leave!"
The bartender leaves him behind. Our hero takes his last sip, when he notices a stranger standing in the doorway. He thinks to himself "Well, this is it, I'm done for it". But the stranger just walks up to him, takes his cock out of his pants and says
"Suck it!"
Well, our hero doesn't want no harm, so he proceeds to do so. Shortly the stranger says
"Faster!"
The man does so. But the stranger urges him to do it faster again.
"Come on! Faster! Quick!"
The man spits out the stranger's weener and says
"Why do you have to be so God damn impatient??"
"We don't have time! Didn't you hear? Black Jack, the infamous bandit is comin' to town!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fscp0/nsfw_black_jack_the_infamous_bandit/
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they'll never listen to us

Wife: I lost my keys again
Me: Its in your jeans
Wife: Don't drag my family into this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fsaez/theyll_never_listen_to_us/
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A Jewish man is turning 40 years old...

So his mother decides to send him 2 neckties. On his birthday, she calls him.
"Happy Birthday, son!" "Thanks, mom." Replies the man.
"Did you get the ties I sent you?" Asks his mother. "Yes," says the man, "in fact I'm wearing one right now." "So what's wrong with the other one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fs3ef/a_jewish_man_is_turning_40_years_old/
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In his first trip to Japan, the businessman...

...is very nervous about meeting his wealthiest client, Mr. Nakagawa, whom he will be playing golf with the day after he arrives in the country. He takes a cab from the airport to his hotel and heads to the bar to drink his nerves away. Over the course of countless cups of sake, he meets a lovely young Japanese girl and ends up bringing her back to his room for a wild evening of fun.
He wakes up the next morning, refreshed and full of confidence, and makes his way to the golf course to meet his client. The two head off to the first tee. Mr. Nakagawa tees first, clobbers the ball, and sinks an astonishing hole-in-one.
The man goes to congratulate Mr. Nakagawa on his feat, but decides it would be an excellent ice breaker if he did so in his client's native language. He quickly thinks back to the excited squeals of his lovely companion the night before.
"Machigatta ana!", he exclaims.
Puzzled, Mr. Nakagawa looks at the man and asks, "what do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fs1lg/in_his_first_trip_to_japan_the_businessman/
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Why did the otter want to work at NASA?

So he could go to Otter Space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fs1kx/why_did_the_otter_want_to_work_at_nasa/
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What's blue and doesn't fit anymore?

A dead epileptic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fryfk/whats_blue_and_doesnt_fit_anymore/
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A Jewish man is elected president...

Soon after, he calls up his mother to tell her the good news. "Mom, did you hear, I've been elected president!" "Oh, T
That's so great to hear, darling. I'm so proud of you!"
"So," asks the man, "you'll be coming out for the inauguration, right?" "I'm not sure," says his mother, "D.C. is so cold this time of year." "I'm the president, mom. I can arrange for you to get any sweater you want."
"I'm still not sure," continues his mother, "flying across the country is such a hassle." "Mom, I'll have you flown out here on Air Force One. It'll be no trouble to you." Finally, his mother agrees.
The day of the inaguration rolls around, and his mother is seated between the Vice President and the Secretary of State. As the man is being sworn in, his mother nudges the vice president.
"You see that boy up there? The one with his hand on the Bible? His brother's a doctor. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3frwps/a_jewish_man_is_elected_president/
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What do you call a cup with a Confederate flag on it?

A Hiccup!
Get it? Hick-cup?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3frwne/what_do_you_call_a_cup_with_a_confederate_flag_on/
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Is it just me

Or do circles seem pointless?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3frwgl/is_it_just_me/
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Three rats in a bar.

Three rats are sitting in a bar. After a few drinks they start arguing about who's more badass. The first rat states:
"Yesterday I've eaten a pound of poison. And what do you think? I'm still here." The second rat responds:
"Thats nothing, I ran into a rat trap and what do you think I'm still here." Clearly being snapped in half. The third rat finishes his drink, stands up and states:
"That's enough for today guys, I've got to go home to feed my cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3frprg/three_rats_in_a_bar/
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What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3frmkg/whats_blue_and_not_very_heavy/
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging

Ever since then, my muggings have been a lot more successful!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3frkpb/i_started_carrying_a_knife_after_an_attempted/
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My friend is 1/8th Jew

He's Jew...Ish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3frivy/my_friend_is_18th_jew/
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How much does a hipster weigh?

One instagram!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3frhep/how_much_does_a_hipster_weigh/
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I invented a Poem: "I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs, it digs. We dig, they dig, you dig.

It's not very good - but quite deep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fr8ve/i_invented_a_poem_i_dig_you_dig_he_digs_she_digs/
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A joke I heard some time ago

A texan man is driving over the Mexican border with his family. The border guard looks out his booth and notices the jam-packed pickup truck with trailer.
Raising an eyebrow he asks the man: "Planning a longer stay, sir?"
"We're emigrating." the man replies.
Visibly surprised the guard asks: "Why's that?"
The man responds: "Thirty years ago homosexuality was despised. Twenty years ago it became tolerated. Ten ago it was widely accepted. This year it became equal. We're leaving before it becomes mandatory."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fr8j3/a_joke_i_heard_some_time_ago/
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A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fr8a6/a_jewish_grandmother_is_walking_on_the_beach_with/
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A priest, a monk, and a rabbi meet for lunch

one day. After talking for a bit the priest says "hey rabbi, why don't you join the monk and I for a fishing trip tomorrow morning?" Thrilled, the rabbi accepts the offer.
They meet up at the docks around dawn, row out a bit, then cast out their fishing poles. Half an hour passes when the priest finally says "Hold I need to use the rest room." At that moment he steps off the boat and walks across the lake to take care of business. When he finishes, the priest walks back and resumes fishing.
The rabbi is amazed, thinking to himself "wow I am with a holy man today."
Few minutes later the monk exclaims, "I too must use the restroom." He too walks across the lake and returns in the same fashion as the priest. Even more amazed the rabbi thinks to himself, "I am not with a holy person, I am with holy men. Blessed by the lord himself."
Little time passes and the rabbi, while thinking he is as holy as these men, points out that he three has to use the restroom. The moment he steps out he plummets into the water and has to swim ashore.
The monk turns to the priest, "I think we should have told him where the rocks were."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fr84y/a_priest_a_monk_and_a_rabbi_meet_for_lunch/
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Bob, why were you kicked out from your job?

I took a couple of days off.
Oh, that's hard. Where do you work?
At the calendar factory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fr6nb/bob_why_were_you_kicked_out_from_your_job/
%
Who shaves every hour everyday and still has a beard?

The barber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fr58f/who_shaves_every_hour_everyday_and_still_has_a/
%
Just charged my phone

Let's see how long the battery will la

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fr53w/just_charged_my_phone/
%
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job.  To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods.  A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.
The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries.  I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".
The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish.  So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."
The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.
"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fr4n3/a_priest_a_minister_and_a_rabbi/
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When your Dad is a math teacher you grow up with jokes like this...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fr2ej/when_your_dad_is_a_math_teacher_you_grow_up_with/
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What do you call a gigolo you don't pay?

A Free Willy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fr1en/what_do_you_call_a_gigolo_you_dont_pay/
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The flea and the biker's beard

A flea walks into a bar, shivering and sneezing. The curious bartender asks the flea whats the matter.
Flea: "I hitched a ride here in biker's beard. That motorcycle ride must be the coldest trip I ever had."
The bartender decides to give the flea some advice.
Bartender: "Next time seek out the patch of hair between a woman's legs. Should be warm and cozy."
The next day an icecube is wheeled into the bar (hey as if a talking flea makes sense). After some defrosting and pooring strong liquor into the poor thing, it turns out to be the flea. Bartender: "Why didn't you follow my advise?" The flea answered: "I did follow your advise. I found a patch of hair between a woman's legs. And it was so nice and warm and cozy that I fell asleep."
"But when I woke up I was in the biker's beard again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fqy1n/the_flea_and_the_bikers_beard/
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What do you call it when Oxygen and Nitrogen train at the gym together?

Air conditioning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fqvai/what_do_you_call_it_when_oxygen_and_nitrogen/
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I ran into my old girlfriend at the airport,

boy she has a lot of baggage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fqtae/i_ran_into_my_old_girlfriend_at_the_airport/
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Because it ruins the joke.

Why should you never put the punchline in the title?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fqs02/because_it_ruins_the_joke/
%
What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fqpsm/what_does_idk_stand_for/
%
One evening, a man on his way home encounters an old hag saying

she's a beautiful princess of a certain kingdom before, because of her unparalled beauty an envied witch cursed her making her looks like a hundred year old hag and to lift the curse someone must satisfy her sexual desires.
The man being heroic help her to lift the said curse
so he satisfy her sexual desires the whole night.
A morning came and man noticed that old hag still looks like a hundred year old hag,
he blurted "why are you still looked like that? You should've turned to princess right now",
and the old hag replied "How old are you young man?"
"30"
"You're that old and you still believe in fairy tales??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fqopx/one_evening_a_man_on_his_way_home_encounters_an/
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There were two chefs. She was Chinese, he was German.

They fell in love, got married, and opened a restaurant together. The food is terrific, and very interesting; however...
A half hour after you eat there, you are hungry for power.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fql4m/there_were_two_chefs_she_was_chinese_he_was_german/
%
I saw a prostitute running a marathon today

she was full of spunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fqkwt/i_saw_a_prostitute_running_a_marathon_today/
%
I went to a blind tasting session the other day...

It was a waste of time, they tasted the same as people who can see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fqjmr/i_went_to_a_blind_tasting_session_the_other_day/
%
Why did microsoft go straight to windows 10 ?

They were trying to keep their german market.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fqct0/why_did_microsoft_go_straight_to_windows_10/
%
I had a threesome with 2 twins the other day.

People keep asking me how I could tell them apart. It was easy!! Her brother had a beard.
(Donno if this is an old joke. This is my first time ever being on reddit. I'm enjoying it so far).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fqc7j/i_had_a_threesome_with_2_twins_the_other_day/
%
A wizard walked into a gay bar

and disappeared with a poof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fq7rr/a_wizard_walked_into_a_gay_bar/
%
[maybe NSFW] How can you tell that a porn star works at your local gas station?

Right before he's done filling the tank he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the trunk of your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fq76s/maybe_nsfw_how_can_you_tell_that_a_porn_star/
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THE BOSS

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fq5cb/the_boss/
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Repost of true comment from r/AskReddit

About 8 years old...
My next door neighbour, Glen Hamilton, and I are playing in the street, and turned off the water to the only Asian house in the street. Don't know if it was 'cause we were racists, or it was just easiest to do, or what...
Anyway, the owner caught us, and took us inside with the intent of calling our parents...
So he has Glen and I lined up side by side, to get our names, he asks Glen first - "What is your name?" Glen tells him "Andrew Starkey", this other kid up the road...
Ahhh, I think, brilliant plan to avoid trouble, false names.
He turns to me, "what is your name?"... rabbit in the headlights moment... "Glen Hamilton"...
The look on Glen's face... that was 35 years ago and I still remember....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fq3vn/repost_of_true_comment_from_raskreddit/
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What's a pirate's favorite letter?

You'd think it be R, but his first true love always be the C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fq135/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
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food chain joke

A fly was buzzing above a lake and a fish in the lake thought to itself, "If only that fly would drop six inches, I would be able to jump up and eat it." A bear was in the lake and thought, "If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump up and I would be able to catch the fish." A hunter was on the grounds and he thought to himself, "If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, and I could shoot that bear." The hunter had a cheese sandwich that day, and a mouse wished, "If only that fly would drop six inches, that fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, and I would be able to get his cheese sandwich." A cat was nearby too, and said to itself, "If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, the mouse would scramble for the cheese, and I would catch that mouse."
Then, the fly did drop six inches, got eaten by the fish, which was captured by the bear, which was shot by the hunter, whose cheese was stolen by the mouse, but the cat slipped and fell straight into the lake.
Moral of the story? Every time a fly drops six inches, there's bound to be a wet pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fpu9p/food_chain_joke/
%
Has anyone had a glass of F5 lately?

It's so refreshing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fpsk4/has_anyone_had_a_glass_of_f5_lately/
%
I want to open a gay bar in Germany called Pole-Land.

You know they'll invade the place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fpsju/i_want_to_open_a_gay_bar_in_germany_called/
%
Little Johnny jokes

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.  Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fplz8/little_johnny_jokes/
%
An old Viking teaching young ones

Once we land and enter a vilage, look for a church. If there is a church there is nothing left to pillage in the village, so just go directly to the church.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fphod/an_old_viking_teaching_young_ones/
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How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?

Backwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fpfof/how_does_an_alcoholic_teach_the_abcs_to_their/
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Regarding the SCOTUS approval of gay marriage, Iowa representative Steve King has just said (and this is a real quote) "you could marry your your lawnmower with this decision".

Marrying your lawnmower is fine, but when it comes time to leave, writing that John Deere letter is the toughest part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fpf65/regarding_the_scotus_approval_of_gay_marriage/
%
Did you hear? They found a new use for sheep in texas.

Wool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fpdm4/did_you_hear_they_found_a_new_use_for_sheep_in/
%
During OJ Simpson's First Trial, He and his lawyer are in the bathroom...

they are both standing at the urinals and the lawyer can't help but notice that OJ has Nicole tattooed onto his dick, he leans over and says "Between you and me, I know you killed your wife, so why did you have her name tattooed onto your dick?"
OJ answers "Just because she is dead, doesn't mean I can't beat her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3foytq/during_oj_simpsons_first_trial_he_and_his_lawyer/
%
What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in fog?

When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3foxqi/whats_the_difference_between_eating_pussy_and/
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How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

WANNA RIDE BIKES??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3foras/how_many_add_kids_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?

The first airplane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3for0q/if_two_wrongs_dont_make_a_right_what_do_two/
%
What do you call a black dinosaur?

Tyroneosaurus-Rex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fopbs/what_do_you_call_a_black_dinosaur/
%
Why did microsoft go directly to windows 10?

Because windows 7 8 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3foi7m/why_did_microsoft_go_directly_to_windows_10/
%
I'm starting a Mexican hate group.

It's called the quequeque.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fogd7/im_starting_a_mexican_hate_group/
%
LPT: Never hold your farts in.

They travel up your spine into your brain,and that's where shitty ideas come from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fofyy/lpt_never_hold_your_farts_in/
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Do-it-yourself

A dyslexic carpenter wrote a self-help book on carpentry. However, its main buyers were not apprentice carpenters, but aspiring pick-up artists.
It was titled *The Beginner's Guide to Nailing Broads*.
---
---
Footnote: There are definitely better setups to this punchline. It seems to me that this particular one might be too predictable. I just thought of the wordplay the other day and wanted to get it out into the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fodve/doityourself/
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Dad shouts: "Stop watching porn, I can hear it in my room!"

Son: "Dad.. I'm not watching porn, that is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fobo0/dad_shouts_stop_watching_porn_i_can_hear_it_in_my/
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What the difference between...

a dead dog in the road and a dead Frenchman in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fobgc/what_the_difference_between/
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Two scientists walk into a bar... first one says I'll have H2o

Second one says I'll have a H20 too. Then he dies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fob88/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar_first_one_says_ill/
%
Why do clowns hate assassins?

Because they go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fnzen/why_do_clowns_hate_assassins/
%
I wanted a painting that wouldn't get boring

so I painted a mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fnub3/i_wanted_a_painting_that_wouldnt_get_boring/
%
The inflight movie on my trip home was Pixels.

We had two walk outs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fns28/the_inflight_movie_on_my_trip_home_was_pixels/
%
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They are both stuck-up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fnq22/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
[NSFW] During chemistry class my professor was discussing how to make a hormone...

He suggested going down on her until she came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fnpnc/nsfw_during_chemistry_class_my_professor_was/
%
Adam Haggles With God

As Adam is walking about the Garden of Eden he is approached by God, "Adam you look quite lonely."
"Well..."
"Listen, my son, how about I make you a companion? A beautiful women, who is smart and funny. She will be your true match and the two of you will be forever happy together."
"Well that does sound pretty great," replies Adam.
"Wonderful, I'll only need your arm to make it so."
"...my arm? Can I think about it?"
God allows Adam to mull over the deal and says he will ask again tomorrow. The next day, God again comes up to Adam, "Have you decided, my son?"
"I've thought it over a great deal, God. She sounds amazing but I very much like both my arms. What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fnpmn/adam_haggles_with_god/
%
There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35.

And those flashing lights on top of your car looks ridiculous!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fnorl/theres_no_reason_to_be_tailgating_me_when_im/
%
Oh no, here come the Nintendo police!

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fnljy/oh_no_here_come_the_nintendo_police/
%
Mr. Peanut was arrested for drunk and disorderly at a local Strip Club

The arresting officer said it wasn't the first time he'd busted a nut in front of a stripper and it wouldn't be the last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fnl8s/mr_peanut_was_arrested_for_drunk_and_disorderly/
%
How does a designer's laugh sound like?

Hue Hue Hue Hue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fnjfz/how_does_a_designers_laugh_sound_like/
%
Why did the hipster burn his mouth

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fnj41/why_did_the_hipster_burn_his_mouth/
%
There is really no easy way to say it, ma'am,

but your son has just fallen into the Eyjafjallajökull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fngjp/there_is_really_no_easy_way_to_say_it_maam/
%
I googled 'Gary Oldman' and left off the 'r'

It was the longest 3 hours of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fnffr/i_googled_gary_oldman_and_left_off_the_r/
%
I heard you can turn soup to gold...

You just have to add 24 carrots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fn41b/i_heard_you_can_turn_soup_to_gold/
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
&nbsp;
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fn3m1/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
%
How does a feminist screw in a light bulb?

She holds the bulb up to the socket and then expects the world to revolve around her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fn2zq/how_does_a_feminist_screw_in_a_light_bulb/
%
Cute names to call your girlfriend with

1.sugar
2.honey
3.flour
4.egg
5.1/2 lb butter
6.stir
7.pour into pan
8.preheat to 375°

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fn29k/cute_names_to_call_your_girlfriend_with/
%
Calling someone average is mean

but I think they are the mean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fmwo4/calling_someone_average_is_mean/
%
Three Nuns are in line at the gates to get into Heaven

Saint Peter tells them "Before you may enter the gates of Heaven, if you have ever touched a mans penis, place that body part in this bowl of holy water so you may be cleansed." The first Nun steps up and places her hand in the water, then walks into Heaven. The third Nun jumps in front of the second Nun and asks "can I gargle the water before she sticks her butt in it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fmwi1/three_nuns_are_in_line_at_the_gates_to_get_into/
%
Why don't rabbits make any noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fmwfe/why_dont_rabbits_make_any_noise_when_they_have_sex/
%
A young boy enters a barber ship...

...and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch this".
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other. He then calls the boy over and asks "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. "Hey, kid! Can I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied "Because the day I take the dollar, this will stop showing up on the front page of reddit jokes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fmuni/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_ship/
%
When I was young I wanted to be smart, like my dad

... he also wants to be smart!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fmu3h/when_i_was_young_i_wanted_to_be_smart_like_my_dad/
%
A Catholic Priest and an Orthodox Rabbi are talking with one another...

The Priest says to the Rabbi, "Rabbi, you keep Kosher, correct?" To which the Rabbi replies, "Of course, father." The Priest then asks, "But have you ever broken kosher?" The Rabbi then says, "I admit that I have. When I was a young man I once indulged myself in ham, and in doing so broke Kosher." "That's very interesting," remarks the priest, "for I am free to eat as much ham as I please."
"What about you, father," begins the Rabbi, "you keep celibate, do you not?" The preist replies, "Of course, Rabbi." "But," continues the Rabbi, "have you always kept so?" The Preist then says, "I admit, I have not. When I was a young man I once shared the night with a woman."
The Rabbi then leans in and asks, "It's better than ham, isn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fmsts/a_catholic_priest_and_an_orthodox_rabbi_are/
%
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fmn0q/i_seriously_hate_it_when_a_couple_starts_having/
%
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail in front of him, so he picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.  A year later, there’s a knock at the door.  He opens it and sees the same snail.  The snail says, “What was that all about?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fmm2r/a_guy_is_sitting_at_home_when_he_hears_a_knock_at/
%
[NSFW] I like to wait outside hospitals

Because I like my MILFs fresh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fmlda/nsfw_i_like_to_wait_outside_hospitals/
%
Why is the letter 'c' afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

Because all the other letters are not c's.
***
^^*ba ^^dum ^^tss*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fmidg/why_is_the_letter_c_afraid_of_the_rest_of_the/
%
A magician was driving down the road when suddenly...

He turned into a driveway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fmeuq/a_magician_was_driving_down_the_road_when_suddenly/
%
This is overexaggerated.

1/x

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fm7ws/this_is_overexaggerated/
%
What do black people drive?

house prices down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fm70e/what_do_black_people_drive/
%
I once caught my ex-girlfriend putting acorns into her vagina...

She was fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fm6wl/i_once_caught_my_exgirlfriend_putting_acorns_into/
%
What's better than roses on your piano?

Two lips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fm0w8/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
A nail walks into a bar

And gets hammered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fm0ui/a_nail_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I want to write a sexually charged novel with an FBI twist.

*Fifty Raids A Day*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3flxxi/i_want_to_write_a_sexually_charged_novel_with_an/
%
A skeleton walks into a bar

and asks the barman for a pint of beer and a mop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3flv7z/a_skeleton_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...

.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"
The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."
The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3flujr/two_cannibals_are_settling_down_to_have_a_meal/
%
How does a Jew make beer?

He brews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fltx1/how_does_a_jew_make_beer/
%
People say Money talks...

But all mine says is Goodbye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fls4m/people_say_money_talks/
%
So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today

I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3flo1x/so_i_was_asked_the_past_tense_of_think_in_a/
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The worst part about being told you have Alzheimer's?

It doesn't just happen the once.
And I'll be posting this again later.
If I remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fll05/the_worst_part_about_being_told_you_have/
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What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?

Outlaws are wanted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fljuu/whats_the_difference_between_outlaws_and_inlaws/
%
Who's a Dinosaurs least favorite reindeer?

Comet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3flivy/whos_a_dinosaurs_least_favorite_reindeer/
%
Dark and or Offensive :]

I don't know where I stand on abortion.
I like killing babies, but I don't like giving women a choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fli3z/dark_and_or_offensive/
%
the Bible says

"If a man is to lay with another man he should be stoned." in my experience it helps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3flg2x/the_bible_says/
%
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3flfpa/my_mate_just_hired_an_eastern_european_cleaner/
%
Why do they call P.M.S , P.M.S ?

Because Mad Cow disease was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3flbjv/why_do_they_call_pms_pms/
%
The Haircut

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"
courtesy of planet-38

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fl91e/the_haircut/
%
A young boy enters a barber shop...

...and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch this".
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other. He then calls the boy over and asks "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. "Hey, kid! Can I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fl7fo/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
%
Cannibalism isn't funny

Although, it depends on a person's taste...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fl0ik/cannibalism_isnt_funny/
%
I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why, surely it’s not dangerous.

He said it was distracting him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fkxzk/i_visited_my_doctor_last_week_and_he_told_me_i/
%
What's 12 inches long and snaps a cunt?

A selfie stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fkrvo/whats_12_inches_long_and_snaps_a_cunt/
%
I used to like banking...

... But then I lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fkr4f/i_used_to_like_banking/
%
why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fkr04/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
I was sitting on my dolphin, then I fell off.

Butt not on porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fkqlb/i_was_sitting_on_my_dolphin_then_i_fell_off/
%
Guy playing chess with his Central European lover

"Czech and mate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fkqim/guy_playing_chess_with_his_central_european_lover/
%
Two jews are walking past an evangelical church...

When they see a sign in the window, "accept Jesus today and we'll give you $10,000"
Goldberg says to his buddy Strausman, "Hey Straussy wait here I'm gonna go rip these goyim out of ten grand!"
"Wait!" Strausman responds, "what if you get sucked in and you lose your faith?!"
"Don't worry, Strausman. Once a Jew always a Jew. I'll say *I am found,* I'll do the dunking thing, I'll accept Jesus, badabing badaboom, and Ill walk out with $10,000!"
So Goldberg goes in and an hour later walks out to a worried Strausman. "So? Did you get the ten grand?"
"You jews, all you think about is money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fkq7d/two_jews_are_walking_past_an_evangelical_church/
%
What do you call it when Zeus gets gonorrhea?

Thunderclap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fkpk7/what_do_you_call_it_when_zeus_gets_gonorrhea/
%
What is worse than blacking out after a crazy night and losing money?

Blacking out and gaining money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fkpbt/what_is_worse_than_blacking_out_after_a_crazy/
%
My boyfriend and I checked out a new coffee shop in town...

I asked him how his coffee was.
"It's like making love in a canoe."
"That good?" I asked
"No. It's fucking close to water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fkiph/my_boyfriend_and_i_checked_out_a_new_coffee_shop/
%
Deaf genie

A man walks into a bar.  Across the room he sees a little 1ft high man wearing a tiny tuxedo and playing a miniature grand piano.  The guy asks the bartender What's up with the little guy?  The bartender tells him theres a genie in the bathroom granting wishes.  The guy heads to the bathroom and finds the genie who asks What is your wish?  The guy thinks for a minute then wishes for world peace.  POOF! The bathroom fills up with geese.  The guy heads back to the bartender.  Hey I think your genie is hard of hearing.  The bartender laughs No shit!  You don't think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fkhb4/deaf_genie/
%
What is the etymology of politics?

Poly for many and tics for blood sucking creatures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fkffe/what_is_the_etymology_of_politics/
%
Police report: There was a robbery in the sex shop.

Judging by items that were stolen, perp was alone. Alone for a long time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fkdl8/police_report_there_was_a_robbery_in_the_sex_shop/
%
Best way to speed date:

"What's your favorite subreddit?"
"What's a subreddit?"
"Next."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fkb2a/best_way_to_speed_date/
%
What do you call an Italian with a broken arm?

Speech impaired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fk5ez/what_do_you_call_an_italian_with_a_broken_arm/
%
Today I found out how electricity was measured...

I was like watt???

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fk4pv/today_i_found_out_how_electricity_was_measured/
%
Ronda Rousey is the only MMA fighter I can't fap to.

She's the only one that finishes before I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fk4hv/ronda_rousey_is_the_only_mma_fighter_i_cant_fap_to/
%
A woman was standing naked in front of a mirror

She looks at her husband and says "I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
Her husband looks up at her and says,  "Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjw6f/a_woman_was_standing_naked_in_front_of_a_mirror/
%
how many chefs does it take to change a,light bulb ?

one to do it, and five others to tell him how they did it differently in their last kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjv2k/how_many_chefs_does_it_take_to_change_alight_bulb/
%
How does a feminist screw in a light bulb?

She holds the bulb up to the socket and then expects the world to revolve around her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjsb6/how_does_a_feminist_screw_in_a_light_bulb/
%
Don't be racist.

It doesn't matter if you're black, asian or normal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjr5n/dont_be_racist/
%
The day of prom

, a boy goes to pick his girlfriend up early, so they could spend the whole day together instead of just the evening. He asks her what she wants to do, and she tells him she wants to go get something to eat. When they try to find a place, however, they see that everywhere they try to go has an incredibly long line.
"That's okay," says the girl. "I wasn't really that hungry anyway. Do you want to go see a movie?" The boy says yes, and they go to the theater. Unfortunately, there was an immensely long line there as well, so they decided against it.
The day goes on and on like this, with every plan they try to make being blocked by a long line. Eventually, it's time to go to prom, and they make their way into the building.
Exhausted with how their day has gone so far, the girl drops into a nearby folding chair and says, "I'm really thirsty. Can you go get me some punch?"
There was no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjq79/the_day_of_prom/
%
To be a hipster is to live in constant suffering

You spend all your time in coffee shops, but you always have to drink your coffee before it's cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjn8b/to_be_a_hipster_is_to_live_in_constant_suffering/
%
Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjkih/being_an_aspiring_musician_is_like_getting_a/
%
Ringing the doorbell....

...don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjk8m/ringing_the_doorbell/
%
Déjà Moo

When you are sure you have heard this bullshit before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjiw0/déjà_moo/
%
Why was the phone wearing glasses?...

Because it lost all its contacts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjihm/why_was_the_phone_wearing_glasses/
%
Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,
Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.
Sincerely,
7

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjhrm/letter_from_7_to_6/
%
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Irishman are running from the sheriff...

They turn a corner and see three large empty sacks. Quickly, they each hide inside one.
The sheriff and his deputy turn the corner and see the three sacks on the ground. The sheriff dismounts and kicks the first sack.
"Meow," says the Englishman.
"It's just a cat," the sheriff says and kicks the second bag
"Woof," says the Scotsmen.
"It's just a dog," the sheriff says and finally kicks the last bag.
The Irishman says "potatoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjhph/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_a_irishman_are/
%
Who is the only person able to knock out Ronda Rousey?

Bill Cosby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjgke/who_is_the_only_person_able_to_knock_out_ronda/
%
The trick to a good joke is nailing the punchline.

Jesus Christ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjgiy/the_trick_to_a_good_joke_is_nailing_the_punchline/
%
A man walks into a record store...

A man walks into a record store, looking confused. The owner approaches him:
"Hey, you seem a little lost. Can I show you where anything is?"
"Uh yes, actually.", the man replies, "I'm looking for some classical music, as I've never listened to it before."
"Oh, well we have a vast variety of classical music in this section. Feel free to go to the counter if you have any questions."
A few minutes later, the man goes to the counter holding two vinyls.
"Did you find what you're looking for?", the owner asks.
"Yes, I think I did." The man shows the owner the two records, one labeled, 'The Best of Johann Sebastian Bach', and the other, 'The Works of Claude Debussy'.
"Ahh yes," the owner says, "Two wonderful composers. Just remember to listen to Debussy first."
"Why's that?", the man asks.
"Always finish on the Bach, never on Debussy."
*credit: Family Guy*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjb3f/a_man_walks_into_a_record_store/
%
Getting a job right out of college...

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads.
REQUIREMENTS: 5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and super powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fjad5/getting_a_job_right_out_of_college/
%
"Rabbi, rabbi"

One day, a teenage boy goes to his father- a rabbi at their small town's only synagogue- and says "Father, it pains me to say this, but I've decided to convert to Christianity."
The Rabbi, with no idea what to do, decides to walk ten miles to a much larger city, where he found a synagogue much larger than his own. He says to the rabbi there "Rabbi, rabbi! My son has become a christian! Whatever shall I do?" In reply, the other rabbi tell him "Funny you should ask! My own son has just converted to Christianity! Come with me, the rabbi of the largest synagogue in the state should have some answers for us."
So, both rabbis take a road trip to the largest synagogue in the state. They say to the rabbi: "Rabbi, rabbi! Both of our sons have converted Christianity! Whatever shall we do?" And the rabbi says "Well, funny you should ask! My own son has just converted to Christianity! Come with me, we'll catch a plane to Jerusalem and get this sorted out."
So, all three rabbis fly from the US to Jerusalem. They find the oldest, wisest rabbi they can, and in unison, cry out "Rabbi, rabbi! Our sons have converted to Christianity! Whatever shall we do?" And the old rabbi says "Funny you should ask! My own son has just converted to Christianity! Come, let us go to the Wailing Wall. God will surely have an answer to such a conundrum."
So, all four rabbis run as fast as they can to the Wailing Wall and drop to their knees, shouting to the sky "Holy father! Our sons have left us for Christianity! Whatever shall we do in these times of darkness?"
And God replies: "Funny you should ask!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fj891/rabbi_rabbi/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world....

.... Those who understand binary code, and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fj2xo/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Vagina jokes aren't funny...

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fj1pm/vagina_jokes_arent_funny/
%
A few minutes ago while I was lifeguarding, an old lady told me that I looked like a lion pacing back and forth.

Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fix5z/a_few_minutes_ago_while_i_was_lifeguarding_an_old/
%
During his annual checkup, a man tells his doctor he is thinking about getting a vasectomy

The doctor tells him that it's a very important decision and asks if he has had a chance to discuss it with his family. The man says,"Yeah, and they are in favor of it 15 to 7."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3five5/during_his_annual_checkup_a_man_tells_his_doctor/
%
What is the most fascist letter?

Not C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fiupi/what_is_the_most_fascist_letter/
%
The two Propositional Logic professors at a local university are named Professor P and Professor Q.

Police question Professor P about the identity of a criminal who has committed a series of heinous acts. P implies Q.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fiq3r/the_two_propositional_logic_professors_at_a_local/
%
Never marry a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fio0w/never_marry_a_tennis_player/
%
What smelled so bad it almost cost a young girl her life?

Anne Frank's diarrhea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fihgw/what_smelled_so_bad_it_almost_cost_a_young_girl/
%
America was built upon homosexuality and polygamy.

Our four fathers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fif70/america_was_built_upon_homosexuality_and_polygamy/
%
I'm really looking to re-capture my lost youth...

...my basement door doesn't lock properly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fidp2/im_really_looking_to_recapture_my_lost_youth/
%
People aren't as as friendly as they used to be

On my way home from work I saw my neighbour, who happens to be a dwarf, waiting at a bus stop. So I stopped and told him to hop in. He gave me a finger and told me to fuck off.
So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fib8n/people_arent_as_as_friendly_as_they_used_to_be/
%
Frog parking only.

All others will be toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fiaj6/frog_parking_only/
%
A fly is buzzing around a wolf hound.

Fly: What kind of dog are you?
Dog: I'm a wolf hound.
Fly: A wolf hound? Strange name . Why do they call you like that?
Dog: Well, it's quite obvious. My mother was a hound and my father was a wolf.
Fly: I see...
Dog: So, what kind of fly are you?
Fly: I'm a horse-fly.
Dog: **NO. FUCKING. WAAAAAYYY!!!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fi8yn/a_fly_is_buzzing_around_a_wolf_hound/
%
What do you call a bee that gets engaged?

A Beyoncé.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fi8o4/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_gets_engaged/
%
What's the worst thing about being bitten by a venomous spider?

You might be Australian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fi8gz/whats_the_worst_thing_about_being_bitten_by_a/
%
What's heavier, 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you've also got to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fi8gt/whats_heavier_200_pounds_of_bricks_or_200_pounds/
%
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fi4wz/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
%
Cleaning the Attic

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Hey - get out!
We don't want
your type in here!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fi0t8/cleaning_the_attic/
%
What is the collective noun for children?

A migraine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fhz1u/what_is_the_collective_noun_for_children/
%
What's the difference between children and Isis?

Drones can't tell either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fhxxu/whats_the_difference_between_children_and_isis/
%
When does 1+1=3?

When you don't use a condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fhx5x/when_does_113/
%
If Jack helps you off a horse...

Would you help jack off a horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fhoag/if_jack_helps_you_off_a_horse/
%
What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fhkfe/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_the_atlantic_with/
%
Two men and two women are on a train.

There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *smack!* and the train leaves the tunnel.
The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!"
The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!"
The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it."
The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fhk4l/two_men_and_two_women_are_on_a_train/
%
Why don't blind people go bungee jumping?

Cause it scares the fuck out of the dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fhk4d/why_dont_blind_people_go_bungee_jumping/
%
What's a traffic cop's favorite kind of sweater?

A pull over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fhjl4/whats_a_traffic_cops_favorite_kind_of_sweater/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fhjdj/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
How do dentists like their eggs?

Poached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fhhjl/how_do_dentists_like_their_eggs/
%
Hellen Keller walks into a bar

then into a chair, and then into a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fhgfb/hellen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why was the Dark Age dark?

Because there were too many knights....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fhg56/why_was_the_dark_age_dark/
%
Crappy biology bar joke

A few cells enter a bar. They sit in a corner and talk amongst themselves, drink moderately and don't pick up a fight with anyone. They leave the bar quietly.
Because they were cultured cells..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fhd5a/crappy_biology_bar_joke/
%
What do you get if you share your Earbuds with all your friends?

Hearing AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fh8gu/what_do_you_get_if_you_share_your_earbuds_with/
%
Did you hear about the constipated math teacher?

He had to work it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fh6ui/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_math_teacher/
%
Murphy was walking home late at night

and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Thirty euros,' she whispers.
Murphy had never been with a hooker before,
but decides what the hell, it's only thirty euros.
So they hid in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light
flashes on them.
It is the Garda.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.
'I'm making love to me wife,' Murphy answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that foocken light in her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fh3rw/murphy_was_walking_home_late_at_night/
%
I asked my racist granddad what does he think should be illegal...

His reply, quite unsurprising, was "Youth in Asia" .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fh3dn/i_asked_my_racist_granddad_what_does_he_think/
%
A man dies and goes to hell...

A man dies and goes to hell.
As he approaches the gates he is stopped by the gatekeeper who asks for his name.
Joe, he replies.
Well, joe, I've found your name on the list. There are seven levels in hell, but since your only sin was cheating on a science test in the third grade, you will only be in the first level.
Oh, it won't be that bad then, joe replies.
Joe, that's the hottest level because heat rises. You'd know that if you studied for your test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fh2tj/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
%
Which rapper would you rather bring back from the dead?

- Tupac
- Biggie Smalls
- Eazy E
- Meek Mills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fh12z/which_rapper_would_you_rather_bring_back_from_the/
%
How does Bono spell color?

With or without "u"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fh0nz/how_does_bono_spell_color/
%
Wheelie bin

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.
In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin havin sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fgztg/wheelie_bin/
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Making an analogy that references itself is like good word play.

You don't do it anytime you want. You have to have a good reason to go metaphor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fgz0n/making_an_analogy_that_references_itself_is_like/
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Drinking water in africa

hashtag nofilter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fgy2c/drinking_water_in_africa/
%
Why did Medusa order pizza?

Her boyfriend was stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fgs3g/why_did_medusa_order_pizza/
%
In art class I was told black was a shade not a color.

That must mean black people aren't colored: they're shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fgre1/in_art_class_i_was_told_black_was_a_shade_not_a/
%
Can a ninja throw projectile weapons?

Shuriken!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fgq33/can_a_ninja_throw_projectile_weapons/
%
Have you heard of the film constipation?

It hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fggyq/have_you_heard_of_the_film_constipation/
%
My husband wants me to stop working on my flamingo impression.

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fgdmk/my_husband_wants_me_to_stop_working_on_my/
%
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, he just "fell"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fgbxo/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
%
Best friend

My best friend caught me looking up his sister's skirt, which made the rest of her funeral pretty awkward

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fgbsh/best_friend/
%
So my dad dropped this on my mom this morning

Mom - "You know the neighbor always kisses his wife every morning before work. Why don't you do the same?"
Dad - "How can I? I barely know her!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fg7kd/so_my_dad_dropped_this_on_my_mom_this_morning/
%
Where does a race on the Swedish border end at?

The Finnish line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fg6ik/where_does_a_race_on_the_swedish_border_end_at/
%
Two fish are sitting in a a tank.

One says to the other, "You get the guns. I'll drive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ffz64/two_fish_are_sitting_in_a_a_tank/
%
There once was a man who had surgery in Mexico

He was having a plate put in his head.
Before the surgery the doctor whispered, "be careful, this plate is very hot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ffwen/there_once_was_a_man_who_had_surgery_in_mexico/
%
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ffwdr/a_girl_realized_that_she_had_grown_hair_between/
%
Have you ever tried eating a clock?

I heard it might be time consuming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ffuju/have_you_ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
%
My two best friends were born on 4/20...

They have a joint birthday party

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fftyf/my_two_best_friends_were_born_on_420/
%
A woman donates her plasma for some extra cash.

There is a man in front of her in the line for the cashier.  She notices that his check is for $200 as he leaves.  She excitedly gets to the cashier.  To her surprise, the cashier hands her a check for $50.  "Wait a second," asks the woman, "how come he got $200 and I only got $50?"
"Well ma'am, you donated plasma and he donated sperm," replies the cashier.
"Oh I see" says the woman.
A week goes by and the woman returns to the donation center.  The same cashier is working again.  "Oh it's you again," says the cashier, "back to donate more plasma?"
The woman shakes her head no and says, "uh uh", carefully keeping her mouth closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fftwy/a_woman_donates_her_plasma_for_some_extra_cash/
%
I gave her my heart

but what she really needed was kidney transplant...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ffqy6/i_gave_her_my_heart/
%
[NSFW] A wife yells at her husband...

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"
Husband : "what did I do?"
Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"
Husband :  "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"
Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ffqb4/nsfw_a_wife_yells_at_her_husband/
%
A brunette, red head, and blonde are taken hostage on a tropical island...

"Any last words?" They ask the brunette while pointing a gun in her direction.
"TORNADO!", she yelled.
They turn around and look for a tornado, the brunette escapes while they look away.
They pointed the gun towards the red head next and asked her, "any last words?"
"VOLCANO!"
They look away and the red head runs away.
The captors now pointed the gun at the blonde and asked her, "any last words?"
Now the blonde caught on and understood what the girls were doing so she yelled "FIRE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ffpqc/a_brunette_red_head_and_blonde_are_taken_hostage/
%
If you want to be remembered when you die...

Borrow money from everyone you know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ffmxx/if_you_want_to_be_remembered_when_you_die/
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How do you make an elephant float?

Take one elephant, two tons of ice cream,  and one ton of soda. Blend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ffllh/how_do_you_make_an_elephant_float/
%
4 out of 5 dentists recommend flossing...

The fifth is out killing lions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ffgsm/4_out_of_5_dentists_recommend_flossing/
%
How do you throw a party in space?

Planet.
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ffexx/how_do_you_throw_a_party_in_space/
%
A Birch and a Beech in a forest

saw a sapling a ways off, and the birch says " I bet that's a son of a Birch" and the Beech says "No, that's a son of a Beech"
They argue back and forth then decide to call over a woodpecker.
" Go over to that sapling and and find out whether it's a Birch or a Beech tree.
So the woodpecker flies over, and taps the sapling a few times with its beak and comes back.
" So, which is it?" the Beech asks.
"I'm not sure, but that's the best piece of Ash I've ever had my pecker in"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ffd4h/a_birch_and_a_beech_in_a_forest/
%
My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil

I still don't know how much she charged him though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ffcfu/my_ex_had_weekly_lessons_with_the_devil_on_how_to/
%
I dreamt that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda...

But I woke up and realized it was just a fanta sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ffb4j/i_dreamt_that_i_was_swimming_in_an_ocean_of/
%
Logic Lesson

A Fourth-grade teacher was giving a lesson and logic in class one day.
"Here's the situation" she said." A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in,and begin splashing around and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, and knowing he can't swim, runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raises her hand and asks innocently "to draw out all of the money?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ff9py/logic_lesson/
%
A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ff5r4/a_man_died_and_went_to_heaven/
%
A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom.

He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ff5d1/a_guy_is_taking_his_girlfriend_to_prom/
%
I asked a group of women if they found rape jokes funny. They all said "no!"

But deep down I knew they really meant "yes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ff4h9/i_asked_a_group_of_women_if_they_found_rape_jokes/
%
What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ff2rl/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_his_wooden_leg_got/
%
Hey look! A flock of cows!

Herd of cows...
Of course I've heard of cows there's a flock right over there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ff1n6/hey_look_a_flock_of_cows/
%
A son comes to his grandpa..

... And asks him "Grandpa, how comes all girls still like you?"
"Eh, eh, my lil' son...", said the old man licking his eyebrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fezyz/a_son_comes_to_his_grandpa/
%
I tried donating sperm the other day, but they refused me.

The requirements they have are really strict there at the salvation army

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fezj9/i_tried_donating_sperm_the_other_day_but_they/
%
What's the difference between

a group of midget engineers and a women's track team?
One is a group of cunning runts...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fexvs/whats_the_difference_between/
%
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattracitve...

...eventually they would find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fex6i/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/
%
A boy comes home after school one day

. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face.
She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?”
“Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!”
The mother is stunned. “You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.”
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he
walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”
“That’s right, Dad.”
“Well, you became a man today—this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream,
and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.”
“That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3feqq0/a_boy_comes_home_after_school_one_day/
%
In Egypt they started throwing gay people in the river, an Egyptian friend of mine swears he isn't gay.

But he's still in the Nile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3feoqr/in_egypt_they_started_throwing_gay_people_in_the/
%
My girlfriend decided to quit her job at the yogurt company

The truth his, she never really liked the culture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3feomy/my_girlfriend_decided_to_quit_her_job_at_the/
%
A young woman married and had 13 children

. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7
more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving
woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”
In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you, Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, “Do you think he means her first, second or third
husband?”
The other mourner then replied, “I think he means her legs.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3feoeu/a_young_woman_married_and_had_13_children/
%
Why are the Greeks so in debt?

They demand credit for everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3femdc/why_are_the_greeks_so_in_debt/
%
A masked man goes into a sperm bank.

A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says,
“Open the safe.”
She says, “This isn’t a real bank; it’s a sperm bank.”
He says, “Open the safe or I’ll shoot.”
She opens the safe, and he says, “Now take one of the bottles and drink it.”
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is
her husband.
He says, “Now you see? It’s not so difficult, is it?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3feld1/a_masked_man_goes_into_a_sperm_bank/
%
How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide?

Dress them up as dead lions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fekhv/how_do_you_get_americans_to_care_about_the/
%
I accidentally rear ended someone at a stop light while not paying attention..

We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fefy9/i_accidentally_rear_ended_someone_at_a_stop_light/
%
What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fefs5/what_has_two_legs_and_bleeds/
%
A guy bets the bartender for a drink

Guy bets the bartender $100 that he can lick his own eyeball.
The bartender agrees.  The man takes out his glass eye and licks it.  "Gimme a jack and coke" he orders, smiling.
About a half hour later the man returns and bets the bartender $200 that he can bite his nose.
There's no way the guy can remove his nose, the bartender thinks, and agrees.  The man takes out his false teeth and bites his nose.  "Gimme two jack and gingers" he orders, cheerfully.
Then a couple hours pass and the man returns.  He is drunk, and the bartender wants his money back.  "Any more bets?" The bartender asks.  "Sure" says the man, "I'll bet $300 that I stand here and piss over your bar and fill up a pint glass without spilling a single drop."  The man can barely stand, so the bartender thinks for a short moment and agrees.  He sets a pint glass on the floor and the man begins to pee all over the floor.  He doesn't even try to piss over the bar.  He then hands back the bartender the $300.  The bartender, laughing, asks why he took such a foolish bet.  The man replies, "I bet your doorman $1000 that I would take a piss all over your bar and you wouldn't care"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fedkq/a_guy_bets_the_bartender_for_a_drink/
%
A man brings his wife as Aspirin...

She says, 'Why did you bring me this? I don't have a headache.' He says, 'Good, let's fuck!'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3feaez/a_man_brings_his_wife_as_aspirin/
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water

Water Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
l

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fe8vb/water/
%
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, because he is too short to be an essay!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fe8qk/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_midget/
%
I dreamt about a horse last night.

It turned out to be a night mare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fe7x6/i_dreamt_about_a_horse_last_night/
%
A SEAL and his Sculpture

There was a Navy SEAL living undercover in the depths of Eastern Russia where they regularly hold ice sculpting competitions. He had been there for a while and was longing to liven up his stay there so he decided to enter the next one. There was a shop in town that he could buy sculpting supplies from and the guys in command had given him a few days before his next assignment, so he rode in on his trusty mule and came back with all of the chisels and saws he needed.
That evening, the SEAL started work on his masterpiece. He loved sites like reddit and imgur, so naturally he decided to sculpt a life sized Good Guy Greg. Both day and night he worked at it until it came to the day of the ice sculpting competition.
There were some good sculptures at the event, but the judges loved his work so much that the SEAL won first prize. To celebrate, he went hard out on the town with some of the locals.
A few hours later, despite being nearly blind drunk, he remembered he'd left his statue and mule outside. There was a blizzard due that evening and his trusty pet would surely die if he didn't get back in time.
The navy SEAL stumbled back as soon as a drunk man could and with his stomach turning and his head spinning, he set to loading up the sculpture onto the sled.
Just as he'd got one foot of the sculpture on the sled, he slipped, lost balance and fell to the ground, with 150kg of ice crashing down square on his shin. He was trapped underneath.
Despite the numbing whisky in his system, a terrible shooting pain raced up his leg. It must be broken. The SEAL remembered his training and tried not to panic, but the sculpture was impossible to lift. He called his mule over to try and budge it. No such luck.
"If only there was a way I could make it lighter", thought the SEAL. Then, an idea hit him. All he'd have to do is heat up the ice sculpture and then it would just melt away until he was able to lift it.
He started to breathe heavily into the ice, but to no avail. He emptied his bladder, but that only froze and made things worse. With his last throw of the dice, he beckoned his trusty mule over and got him to lie down on the ice, hoping his body heat would lessen the load, even slightly. The wind picked up and snow was falling so quickly that he could barely see outline of his pet, doing all that he could to save his master.
He waited. Nothing. He gave it some more time. Nothing. He tried to hold out for longer. Nothing. The sculpture was no lighter and he was drifting in and out of consciousness.
Suddenly, a chilling thought hit him. His heart pounded against his chest and a cold sweat broke across his brow as he realised that it was all over. He realised...
...that pet mules can't melt SEAL memes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fe54x/a_seal_and_his_sculpture/
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Contagious

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious". "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try"?
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious".
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?
Little Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch Brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fe4t4/contagious/
%
Albert Einstein just finished his theory about space.

Its about time too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fe1g5/albert_einstein_just_finished_his_theory_about/
%
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fdzhr/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
My girlfriend caught me blow-drying my dick

And apparently "heating up her meal" is the wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fdzc0/my_girlfriend_caught_me_blowdrying_my_dick/
%
I hate being used as a thesaurus.

A mate just asked another term for "monkey dung" and I went apeshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fdy6o/i_hate_being_used_as_a_thesaurus/
%
What did the Marine Biologist say when he saw two eels making love?

"It's a Moray."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fdxmo/what_did_the_marine_biologist_say_when_he_saw_two/
%
What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?

Comet!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fdwih/what_is_a_dinosaurs_least_favorite_reindeer/
%
The Teacher and the Student

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fdujm/the_teacher_and_the_student/
%
What was the vegan rock band's first hit?

Lettuce turnip the beet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fduhz/what_was_the_vegan_rock_bands_first_hit/
%
A woman runs into the hospital and asks

Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he?
Doctor- "ICU baby, shaking that ass"
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fdu5a/a_woman_runs_into_the_hospital_and_asks/
%
Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points,a bonus chance and she has to wear the hat that looks like a colander til she rolls a double 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fdtbu/girlfriend_said_last_night_you_treat_our/
%
The president of France, USA and Brazil are in a plane

The french president puts his arm out of the window and say, "We are in France!". "How do you know?" the others president asked. "I just touched the Eiffel tower!".
&nbsp;
So a little time later the president of the United States puts his hand out of the window and say  "Well, i can confirm that we are in America!". "How?" the others asked. "I just touched the statue of liberty!".
&nbsp;
Some hours later the president of Brazil puts his arm out of the window and say. "Yes, we are in Brazil". "You just touched the Christ?" they ask. "No No, somebody took my watch".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fdr6f/the_president_of_france_usa_and_brazil_are_in_a/
%
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh, I have that vinyl at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fdq5x/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
Victoria's Secret recently invented a bra that contains Bluetooth speakers ...

... because so many women had complained that men stare at their breasts instead of listening to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fdnig/victorias_secret_recently_invented_a_bra_that/
%
Four friends are taking a trip when their small plane crashes in the middle of nowhere.

Three survive. After a week they have run out of food, so they decide to eat their friend. Arguments break out about who got which part so they decided to go by football teams.
"I'm a Liverpool fan, so i get the Liver" says the first.
"I'm a Hearts fan, so I get the heart" says the second.
"I think I'll pass" said the Arsenal fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fdjgd/four_friends_are_taking_a_trip_when_their_small/
%
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that were buried there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fdi1m/why_do_women_wear_panties_with_flowers_on_them/
%
An Asian girl walks up to me in a bar.

She says ***"Sex sex sex, free sex tonight!"*** Apparently she was giving me her number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fdgay/an_asian_girl_walks_up_to_me_in_a_bar/
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Native American Father

A Native American Father was sitting around the campfire with his 3 daughters and the oldest asks "father where do our names come from?" The father replies "well my daughter we give names based on what happened the evening the child is conceived. On the night you were conceived there was a full moon so your name is Shining Moon". The middle daughter asks "what about me father?" Once again the father replies "on the night you were conceived we were lying next to a brook so your name is Running Water". The youngest daughter then asks about her name and the father says "Thats a long story Broken Rubber"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fd8pt/native_american_father/
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Why did the ghost go to jail?

He got arrested for possession.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fd76v/why_did_the_ghost_go_to_jail/
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Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me today

Luckily my injuries were mostly super fish-oil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fd74i/someone_threw_a_bottle_of_omega3_pills_at_me_today/
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There are two types of people in this world:

Those who need closure
(told by Cortana)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fd59r/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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Jesus is watching you.

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."
He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fd4ae/jesus_is_watching_you/
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What is the difference between a pile of dead babies and a porn stash?

My porn stash isn't enough to get me off anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fcwuq/what_is_the_difference_between_a_pile_of_dead/
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An old married couple is talking...

...when the husband asks,"Sweetheart, have you ever slept with other men ?"
"No, I only slept with you. I was awake with the others."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fctkr/an_old_married_couple_is_talking/
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I heard Justin Bieber has an 8 inch cock

But it's in his ass and belongs to Usher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fcsho/i_heard_justin_bieber_has_an_8_inch_cock/
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Old man goes to the dentist.......

Old man goes to the dentist for his annual checkup. Not even a minute into it, the dentist suddenly stops and asks him.
-Sorry, but I have to ask you this. Did you do a 69 last night?
The old man is amazed!!
-Doc, how did you know? The old lady was kind randy, but I flossed, brushed my teeth and used mouthwash.
-No no, you breath is fine, it's your forehead that smells like shit!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fcrue/old_man_goes_to_the_dentist/
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How Many Cops Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?

None, they will just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fcrn1/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_lightbulb/
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BeSt FaThEr EvEr

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Doug, please?" "No, there's no one called Doug here," says the person who answered the phone. His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Doug a second time. "No, there's no one here named Doug. Stop calling!" the person says. His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation." "Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time. "Hello, this is Doug," he says casually, "Have I received any phone calls?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fcr1e/best_father_ever/
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School is like a boner

It's long and hard, unless you're Asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fcqrh/school_is_like_a_boner/
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What do you do if someone is having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw your laundry in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fcqr6/what_do_you_do_if_someone_is_having_a_seizure_in/
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I kidnapped this girl last night...

And she yelled "Please, I don't want to die a virgin!". If that isn't consent, I don't know what is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fcqd0/i_kidnapped_this_girl_last_night/
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I was about to tell a DUMB Nirvana joke, but....

NEVERMIND.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fcnze/i_was_about_to_tell_a_dumb_nirvana_joke_but/
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An Oedipus slip is where you say one thing...

...and fuck your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fcn2i/an_oedipus_slip_is_where_you_say_one_thing/
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What's the difference between a knife and a feminist?

A knife has a point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fcjc2/whats_the_difference_between_a_knife_and_a/
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The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.

I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fcf2x/the_other_night_my_wife_asked_me_how_many_women/
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The wife's back on the warpath again.

Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fcdev/the_wifes_back_on_the_warpath_again/
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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well first thousands sign a petition that the lightbulb needs to be changed, because it is using its ideology to change the room. The room was much better after the previous light bulb and we are going to go back to that. The lightbulb is a cunt. LIGHTBULB IS A CUNT. ITS ABOUT FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND ETHICS IN GAME JOURNALISM.
Much later, the lightbulb is changed by the janitor, as it was always going to be.
We did it Reddit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fcc19/how_many_redditors_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together

. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"
He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fc8je/a_little_boy_and_a_little_girl_are_in_the_bathtub/
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The teenage granddaughter...

..... comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fc5ub/the_teenage_granddaughter/
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A lonely widow...

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" She snorted.
"You don't have any arms either!" Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said.... "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fc5mr/a_lonely_widow/
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How do you know if a hippo is in your oven?

The door won't close

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fc3di/how_do_you_know_if_a_hippo_is_in_your_oven/
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I hit a Milestone today

and now my fist really hurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fc2q5/i_hit_a_milestone_today/
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"Give it to me", she screamed

"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now"
"Fuck off", I said
"this is my umbrella"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fbzbm/give_it_to_me_she_screamed/
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How do you start an earthquake in East Africa?

Shake Djibouti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fbz51/how_do_you_start_an_earthquake_in_east_africa/
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Nobel Peace Prize

I would kill for one of those

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fbyyi/nobel_peace_prize/
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I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property.  I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fbu7d/i_caught_my_girlfriend_cheating_with_my_best/
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Why do only 99.9% of dentists recommend Listerine?

Because the other .1% is too busy out hunting lions

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fbtao/why_do_only_999_of_dentists_recommend_listerine/
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I like when my girlfriend wears a 1 piece

The top piece or the bottom piece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fbpcj/i_like_when_my_girlfriend_wears_a_1_piece/
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How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it!!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. Unique up on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fbl6l/how_do_you_catch_a_unique_rabbit/
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Dad my girlfriends pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."
"I'm not mad, just disappointed."
"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."
"Did you jus..."
"Yes."
"You're ready."
"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fbdgd/dad_my_girlfriends_pregnant/
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What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through one of his skits without laughing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fbd3i/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_jimmy_fallon/
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So I walked into a bar and saw an extremely beautiful woman...

I walked up to her and decided to try a pickup line.
I puffed out my chest, stuck my hand in my pocket;
I asked her "Hey baby, do you think you'd come home with me willingly tonight?"
She responded with a "Hell no!"
"Yeah, me ether."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fb76m/so_i_walked_into_a_bar_and_saw_an_extremely/
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Why does a honeymoon only last 7 days?

Because 7 days makes a hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fb6k0/why_does_a_honeymoon_only_last_7_days/
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"Update the force, Luke"

Adobe Wan Kenobi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fb54r/update_the_force_luke/
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The story of how Canada got its name.

In the year 1534 there were 3 explorers who discovered a great piece of land.  They had no idea what to name it.  So they each decided to pick a letter and go from there.  The first explorer said "C" eh, the second said "N" eh, and the last said "D" eh. That's how the great Canada was named

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fb4za/the_story_of_how_canada_got_its_name/
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How did the detective know the Necrophile Killer was a hipster?

He fucked his victims before they were cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fb0vp/how_did_the_detective_know_the_necrophile_killer/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping...

They pitched their tents under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the night Holmes woke Watson up and said "Watson, look up at the sky. Tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars" replied Watson; to which Holmes said "And what do you deduce from that?"
"Well, if there are millions of stars and systems, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely that there are some planets out there like Earth. And if there are even a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.
And Holmes replied "Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole your tent!"
**Edit:** *Sorry for the spelling errors, I was typing this in a hurry.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fb03c/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_were_going_camping/
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What did Lewis and Clark only have one sack of on their expedition?

Jawea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3faybo/what_did_lewis_and_clark_only_have_one_sack_of_on/
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Why are lawyers buried 18 feet deep when they die?

Because deep down they're all actually good people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fay52/why_are_lawyers_buried_18_feet_deep_when_they_die/
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What is Bruce Jenner's nephew's favorite movie?

Aunt Man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fay4w/what_is_bruce_jenners_nephews_favorite_movie/
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Twin Brothers

There once was a set of identical twin brothers. One
lived a godly life. He was a good husband and
father, reputable businessman, and did lots of
community service. The other one was a hell-raiser.
He drank, cheated on his wife, stole and lied. They
both died at about the same time. The good twin
was in heaven and could look down on the bad twin
in hell. Hell was not as the good twin imagined. His
brother was drinking and partying, kissing beautiful
women and dancing his butt off. The good twin saw
St. Peter and said to him, Mind you, I'm not
complaining. This place is peaceful and beautiful,
but my brother down there looks like he's having
the time of his life. He has his own beer keg and
just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing.
St. Peter put an arm on the man's shoulder and said,
My son, all is not as it seems.
The keg has a hole in it. The woman doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3faxje/twin_brothers/
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A couple were in the mood.. But

were hesitant to get it going since their 10 year old son was in the house.. So the father comes up with a plan and asks his son to go stand on the balcony and describe everything he sees for the next 20 mins..The boy agrees and goes out to the balcony and starts describing stuff while his parents go at it.. Midway through the deed , the son says.. The couple opposite to our apartment are also having sex.. Shocked by this, the dad asks, how does he know.. The son replies: because their kid is also standing outside and talking all the time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fatui/a_couple_were_in_the_mood_but/
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Marriage sex

When you first get married, you have everywhere sex. Kitchen counters, tables, couch, back yard. You're fucking everywhere.
After a few months you have bedroom sex, the often occurrence of the late night and early morning quickie.
After a few years you get into the hallway sex. When you pass eachother you say "fuck you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fatjf/marriage_sex/
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How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist scum. Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fasbs/how_many_tumblrinas_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A detective arrives at the scene of a homicide

A detective arrives at the scene of a crime. The area has already been sectioned off and the officers are making sure things are in order for the investigative team.
As the detective approaches the face down body, he notices the stark black hair of who could only be James White the owner of the local diner in the area.
"That's Mr White from down the street, am I right?" The detective says.
The officer motions to the side where they could see clearly that the victim was the Chinese dishwasher at the same diner.
The officer says "That's not White, it's dead Wong."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3faqn9/a_detective_arrives_at_the_scene_of_a_homicide/
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Headaches.

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."
The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"
"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was miserable. But then..." He laughs. "Then my life changed! I had to put it all behind me. I always wanted to live in California, so I sold everything I had, broke my lease, and moved here. I got an apartment right over there across from the bar, and just today I landed my dream job." He drains half his beer, "Life is GREAT!"
The bartender stands back and beams, hands on his hips, sharing the man's joy, "That's great man...y'know, most guys would not have the balls to pack up and leave like that."
At that, the man lets out a peal of laughter, spilling his beer and nearly falling off his stool. "And that's the kicker! I don't have ANY balls! None at all!" As you might expect, the bartender looked confused. The man leans over the bar. "You see, starting about 10 years ago, I started getting terrible headaches. I mean they were crippling, man. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat, Couldn't work...hell, sometimes I could barely walk. And they just kept getting worse. I finally found a doc that found the problem....turns out it was something with my balls, pressing into the base of my spine. The pressure was causing the headaches. I mean...it was a hard decision...but the headaches were ruining my life. I was damn near suicidal. So...well...off they came. And now I'm completely reinventing myself. Next step, get a new wardrobe." He holds up his glass in a toast and drains it, waggling for another as he swallows.
The bartender's jaw has dropped. "That...that's incredible." He turns to fill the glass and looks up as the beer pours in.  "Hey...y'know... I think I can set you up." he looks up over the bar and scans around. He quickly sees who he's looking for. "Barry! Hey Barry, get over here...this man needs a new suit." He looks back to the new customer. "This guy's amazing, totally old school. Can size a guy just by looking at him. Makes all of his suits himself, and I'll get him to cut you a deal."
Up walks a thin, bespectacled, immaculately dressed elderly man. He approaches the bar, "Yes?", he says in a clipped voice.
"Got a customer for ya, Barry. Treat him nice, he's been through a lot."
"Ah! You are wanting a new suit?" He looks the man up and down. He pulls his spectacles down on his nose. "A...reinvention of yourself?"
Then man beams, "Yes! Exactly! new job, new city, new friends...and now I need a new suit."
"Hmmm...collar is 15, yes?"
"Yes! Exactly!"
"42 long jacket feels to long, 42 feels too short, yes?"
"Yes! Exactly!"
"I will cut it custom for you. Tall and slender...waist 32..inseam 34..."
"Ah...you got the waist right, but I'm a 32 inseam. Always have been."
Barry waves his hand dismissively and continues his examination. "No...no..you are are a 34 inseam. 32 is too short. A 32 would push your balls right up into your spine. Give you one hell of a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fap03/headaches/
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A jewish Santa enters an house and asks...

"OK kids, what do you want to buy ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fai7x/a_jewish_santa_enters_an_house_and_asks/
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The train was quite crowded.

A US marine walked the entire length of the train, looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a poodle, owned by a well dressed, middle-aged, French Woman.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may i have that seat ?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the length of the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.  'Please, ma'am.  May I sit down ? i'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didnt say a word; he just picked up the little dog. threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place.'
An Englishman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong things, you live on the wrong side of the Ocean. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3faekt/the_train_was_quite_crowded/
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Diarrhea must be hereditary

Because it runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3faa2j/diarrhea_must_be_hereditary/
%
What did the snail say when he rode a turtle?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fa8cw/what_did_the_snail_say_when_he_rode_a_turtle/
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So these two guys get stranded in the desert...

So these two guys get stranded in the desert, their car is broken down, they are out of water and help is no where in sight... Except for a shack in the distance. So the two make their way to the shack and knock. An old, ugly, wrinkly, greasy woman answers the door. It smells like she hasn't showered for years. One guy tells her "please we're thirsty and on the brink of death. Can we have some water?"
Her eyes squint and she begins to smile "it's been quite a while since I've had the company of a man, if you sleep with me you can have all the water you want."
So the two guys discuss and then ask her "Is it okay if  we do doggy so we don't have to look at you?"
The old woman agrees and chooses one guy to do the deed.
Inside the shack he noticed a bag of corn. He uses the corn  on her and throws them out of the window each time she tries to take a peek at him. Eventually she finishes and the guy earns his water.
He goes outside
"I GOT THE WATER."
He finds his friend crouched by the window, corn in hand,
"Forget the water bring out more of this buttery corn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fa84e/so_these_two_guys_get_stranded_in_the_desert/
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You know what Schwarzenegger is up to these days?

He's an exterminator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fa20y/you_know_what_schwarzenegger_is_up_to_these_days/
%
A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.

The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"
The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"
The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"
The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it.
The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85.
The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?"
The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself.
He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose.
The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90.
The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?"
The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees.
The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!"
The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fa1jb/a_student_goes_to_talk_to_his_professor_about_his/
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whats the difference between a woman and a computer?

a woman wont accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fa0s2/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a/
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What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

Both looking for a tight seal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fa08k/what_do_a_walrus_and_tupperware_have_in_common/
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When my doctor told me that I am able to astral project at night...

... I was beside myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f9x9t/when_my_doctor_told_me_that_i_am_able_to_astral/
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I wanted to make a joke about a bridge

but I thought I might need to build the suspense first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f9qu5/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_about_a_bridge/
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Welcome to Jamaica

A Jamaican man and his girlfriend of four weeks decide to take it to the bedroom for the first time. Both excited, they run off and get right into it when she notices he has a tattoo. She gasps and says "What the fuck is that? Why do you have 'Wendy' tattooed on your cock?". Puzzled, the man looks down and replies "Oh, its a little cold. Its supposed to say 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f9p5z/welcome_to_jamaica/
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And the Lord said unto John,

"Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f9n2c/and_the_lord_said_unto_john/
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The Perfect Son

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f9lq4/the_perfect_son/
%
I was in the restaurant yesterday...

...when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.  The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.  After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f9jpd/i_was_in_the_restaurant_yesterday/
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Lesbian relationships

The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently "in HD" was the wrong answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f9izn/lesbian_relationships/
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Do you know why Mexico doesn't have an Olympic team?

Everyone who can run, jump or swim now lives in California.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f9gfr/do_you_know_why_mexico_doesnt_have_an_olympic_team/
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Describe yourself in three words.

Lazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f9g9n/describe_yourself_in_three_words/
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Why does Manny Pacquiao hate Spring so much?

Because of May weather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f9g2a/why_does_manny_pacquiao_hate_spring_so_much/
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A penguin's car stopped working one day.

The penguin brought the car to the local shop. The mechanic told the penguin that it would take about a hour to figure out what is wrong with the car.
The penguin notices an ice cream shop next to the garage. It decides to waste time while eating ice cream.
As you can imagine, eating the frozen treat is very difficult for a penguin. The flippers managed to get as much on the penguin's face as in it's mouth.
After about an hour the penguin returns to the shop. The mechanic says, "Well it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin replies, "Nope just eating ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f9fvr/a_penguins_car_stopped_working_one_day/
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The Flash & Wonder Woman

The Flash was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, The Flash called Green Lantern to see if wanted to grab a couple of beers. Green Lantern told him he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Green Lantern ran over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see If she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open.
The Flash thought to himself "I'm the fastest being on the planet, I could be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what was happening." So the Flash did his super thing in a split second & sprints off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said "Did you hear anything?"
"NO"! said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f9fu8/the_flash_wonder_woman/
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There was once a pirate captain who never lost a battle...

He sailed the seas, taking ship after ship, no one seemed to be able to defeat his crew in combat.
One day, his first mate was curious about their great success.
"Cap'n, how is it you inspire the crew to fight their best no matter what we face?"
"Well don't tell em lad, I always wear me red shirt, so if I ever be hurt the men won't see me blood and will keep fighting with all they got. I want to keep em thinking I can't be touched"
The first mate was impressed and kept his secret through many more battles. One day, the first mate spied over a dozen ships on the horizon and went to tell the captain immediately. When the captain heard this, he calmly made one request.
"Lad, bring over me brown shorts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f9fsb/there_was_once_a_pirate_captain_who_never_lost_a/
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"Honey, I just got into a terrible bike accident..

... So I don't think I can pick up the groceries on the way home. I think I broke my legs and maybe even a fractured rib. I'm bleeding all over too. Diane is bringing me to the hospital right now."
"Who's Diane?"
Girl's priorities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f99eg/honey_i_just_got_into_a_terrible_bike_accident/
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The story of the pink ping pong balls (semi-long read)

A wealthy man had a little boy. For some reason, his first words were "ping pong ball". When the boy was old enough to speak, and understand birthdays and gifts and such (about three years old), he asked the boy "So son, what would you like for your birthday this year?" The boy said, "Daddy, I would like a pink ping pong ball." Father said "That's it? No trucks, no trains no puzzles?" The boy said "No, just a pink ping pong ball.
So the father gets him the pink ping pong ball and wraps it up. The boy is absolutely delighted. He takes the pink ping pong ball to his room, and the pink ping pong ball is never seen again.
A day before his 15th birthday, asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have five pink ping pong balls.
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is pink ping pong balls that you want, a pink ping pong balls you shall have.
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday presents five pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong balls were gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a ten pack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. He said therefore, `If it is a ten pack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a ten pack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a ten pack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the ten pack of pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ping pong ball remained, merely the empty husk of the ten pack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humor me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humor his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbor and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one ten pack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'
`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls, the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
`I- I-'
Then he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f998t/the_story_of_the_pink_ping_pong_balls_semilong/
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The Bell ringer at the local church dies

The next day a man shows up to apply for, and gets the job. When the priest is watching the new bellringer on his first day, he notices the man has an unusual style of ringing the bell. He runs and jumps and hits the bell with his face. It's odd, the priest thinks, but it gets the job done, and he lets the man do his job.
A couple days later the new bellringer misses the bell and falls from the clocktower to his death. When the crowd gathers, someone asks, "who was he?"
In reply someone says "I'm not sure, but his face sure rings a bell."
Later, another man shows up for the bellringer job, and reveals that he his the brother of the last bellringer. After a couple days, he too falls to his death.
Once again the crowd gathers, and this time someone asks "what was his name?"
"I don't know," someone says, "but he sure is a dead ringer for his brother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f98jt/the_bell_ringer_at_the_local_church_dies/
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An Indian nsfw

An indian goes to the village elder and asks "Elder, why do we have the names we do?"
To which the elder replies
"Well my son, after a child is born we look at the world and the first thing we see is the name we give the child. Why do you ask, Three Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f98bc/an_indian_nsfw/
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A 11-year-old child walks in on his parents...

having sex and his father stops and sees his son with a worried face. The father says to the son while nervously laughing, "Don't worry, it's ok, I just love your mom, go to bed now." The son then goes into his grandmother's room. The father then searches for his son and finds him trying to have sex with his grandmother, who is still dead asleep. The son looks up to his father's horrified face and says, "It's not so funny when it is your mother, is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f93ap/a_11yearold_child_walks_in_on_his_parents/
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A man walking down the beach heard a woman crying... (NSFW)

He walks down to investigate.  At he gets closer he sees it's the outline of a blonde woman sitting in a beach chair near the water.  He walks up behind her about to ask her what the matter was.  Before he says anything, he notices that she doesn't have any arms or legs.  Thinking it's a bit weird, he still decides to see what was wrong.
"Why are you crying" he asks the young lady.
"Nobody likes me.  I came here on a date with a boy I met online, but after one look at me he just left.  My best friend dropped me off, but she won't be back for another couple hours.  I have nowhere to go and I'm stranded." sobbed the woman.
The man felt very bad for this young lady.  Besides her missing arms and legs, she was actually pretty good looking.  After talking a little more with her she makes a confession.
"I'm so pathetic.  I've never even been kissed before" she cried.
The man thinks to himself and looks around.  There is nobody else within view on the beach.  He thought, what the heck.  He leans over and gives the woman the most passionate kiss he could.  Her crying stopped momentarily as she thanked him.  However, she started crying shortly after.
"I'm so pathetic.  No boy has ever tried to feel me up." she cried.
The man started getting a little more weirded out, but again there wasn't anyone looking.  She did have very nice breasts, so I decided what the heck.  He grabbed as her large and tender breasts and played with them for a little while.  After a few minutes he stopped, and she seemed a little happier.  After a few seconds she starts crying even harder than before.
"I'm so pathetic.  Nobody wants to fuck me!"
The guy is slightly annoyed at how much this girl is droning on.  But he has gone this far, so he might as well go all the way.  He picks her up in his arms and carries her down the beach looking for a good spot.  Her tears stop and finally a smile moves across her face.  The man whispers to her in a seductive hushed tone.
"You ready?" he asked?
She nods.
With one swift movement he throws her into the ocean.
"There" he yells, "Now you're fucked!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f92yx/a_man_walking_down_the_beach_heard_a_woman_crying/
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What are goosebumps for?

To slow down speeding geese!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f91n4/what_are_goosebumps_for/
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Why did we skip windows 9?

Because 7 8 9
I'm so sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f91jg/why_did_we_skip_windows_9/
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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They're stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f8yro/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
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A kid with no ears and a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate for Halloween..

He knocks on the door and yells,  " 'Rick or 'Rea"!
A home owner with a peg leg comes out and says, "Oh, what are you?"
The kid says,  "I'm a 'irate!"
"An 'irate?" the home owner asks. "Oh a pirate! Well where's your buccaneers?"
The kid points to the sides of his head and says, "Righ' here! Where's your buckin' leg?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f8rqp/a_kid_with_no_ears_and_a_speech_impediment/
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When I die, I want to pass peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa

Not screaming in petrified terror, like his passengers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f8l6c/when_i_die_i_want_to_pass_peacefully_in_my_sleep/
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4 Nuns die and go to heaven (NSFW)

Alright, so there are these four nuns, for simplicity's sake we shall call them Nun1, Nun2, Nun3, and Nun4. These four nuns die and go to heaven, St Peter is doing bouncer duty at the gate so the four nuns line up for admission. St. Peter asks Nun1 to approach, she does and says "Saint Peter Saint Peter forgive for Ive sinned", St Peter says "don't fret my child what was your sin", Nun1 says to St. Peter "I have touched a mans penis with my pinky finger" St.Peter says "wash your pinky in this holy water and your sins will be washed away". Nun1 does this and goes on in.
Now Nun2 walks up and says "St.Peter St.Peter forgive me for I have sinned", St Peter says "what is your sin my child", Nun2 says "I have touched mans penis with my whole hand" St. Peter says "wash your hand in the holy water and your sins will be washed away",Nun2 does this and walks on in. Now as Nun3 is walking up to St Peter Nun 4 cuts in line, StPeter says Nun 4 why have you cut in front of Nun3, Nun 4 says "I have to wash my mouth out before she sticks her ass in the holy water"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f8if8/4_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven_nsfw/
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The Cowardly Lion, Aslan, and Cecil are having drinks at a bar ...

They all look worn out so the bartender asks them why they look so beat.
The Cowardly Lion goes first and says, "Man, you have no idea what I went through just to get courage."
Aslan then chimes in quickly after that and says, "Nonsense, you have no idea what I went through just to get Narnia united."
There's a pause so they all look at Cecil. He raises his eyes from his drink and quietly says, "Oh yeah? You have no idea what I went through just to get a cavity filled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f8e9t/the_cowardly_lion_aslan_and_cecil_are_having/
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What do guys with big dicks eat for breakfast?

Didn't think you'd know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f86sw/what_do_guys_with_big_dicks_eat_for_breakfast/
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My six year old son caught me masturbating this morning

He said, "What are you doing daddy?"
"It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why, daddy?" he asked.
"Because my arm is fucking killing me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f85qy/my_six_year_old_son_caught_me_masturbating_this/
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7y7b/a_man_and_his_wife_are_awakened_at_3_oclock_in/
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A woman passes out while giving birth to her twins leaving her immature, witty brother to name them.

She wakes up and immediately asks her brother what he named her new born girl. He replies,"Denise". Surprised she says,"That's a beautiful name, what about my baby boy"?  He responds with a grin from ear to ear, "Denephew".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7xxc/a_woman_passes_out_while_giving_birth_to_her/
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My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative'

Anybody know what 'ternative' means?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7x33/my_girlfriend_just_text_me/
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I think my wife has a surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7pfm/i_think_my_wife_has_a_surprise_vacation_planned/
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I've just been robbed by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

Though ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask so I don't know which one he was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7o3p/ive_just_been_robbed_by_a_teenage_mutant_ninja/
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My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.

Runs in our jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7mld/my_family_has_a_genetic_predisposition_for/
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I have an EpiPen...

My friend gave it to me as he was dying...It seemed pretty important to him that I have it, I'll cherish it always.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7m2l/i_have_an_epipen/
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Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole the calendar?

.................they both got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7l93/did_you_hear_about_the_2_guys_that_stole_the/
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Dad, what is the difference?

An eleven year old boy comes home from school and tells his Dad, "Dad, I keep hearing the boys at school use the bad words Pussy and Cunt but I don't know what the difference is."
Dad: "Go get that Penthouse magazine in my nightstand and I'll show you."
The boy runs off to get the magazine and returns breathless.
Dad: Opens the magazine to a picture of a nude woman lying on a bed and draws a circle around the Pussy with his pen.  "Son, you see that circle?  Everything inside that circle is the Pussy."
Son: "So what is a Cunt then?"
Dad: "Everything outside the circle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7kf1/dad_what_is_the_difference/
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A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7jb7/a_very_handsome_man_gets_into_a_terrible_car/
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Chinese Newlyweds

A Chinese couple just got married. It was their first night together as man and wife, and they had never had sex before. The wife was very nervous, and the husband just wants her to feel comfortable.
Husband: "We will do whatever you want."
Wife: "OK, I want to try 69"
Husband: "Oh, you want chicken with broccoli?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7i5n/chinese_newlyweds/
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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7c19/what_do_you_call_a_sleeping_bull/
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Someone told me a joke, but I can't remember the punchline.

A mortician friend told me a joke about a situation he encountered several years back, but I can't remember the punchline to save my life.
It was about this couple who got in an auto accident on their anniversary.  The wife survived but the husband unfortunately died on impact.
The wife had the husband cremated, and his ashes collected in this old tin can they had had since the beginning of their marriage.  But when the mortician handed the can to her after the cremation was finished, she accidentally cut her hand on the jagged edge, cursed up a storm, threw the can across the room and stormed off.
The mortician picked up the can (unsure of what to do with it), and that's as much as I remember of the joke.
Can anyone help me figure out the punchline?  I can't remember much about it, but I DO recall that at some point the joke takes a sharp left urn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7bv3/someone_told_me_a_joke_but_i_cant_remember_the/
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One day, little Timmy asks his father what a vagina looks like...

"Before sex," his father replies, "it looks like a delicate rose that's just bloomed."
"Oh," Timmy replies matter-of-factly. "What about after sex?"
"Well..." the father says, pondering, "have you ever seen a bulldog eat milk gravy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7bbf/one_day_little_timmy_asks_his_father_what_a/
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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a half empty bar and says to the bartender “If I show you something amazing will you give me a free drink?”
“You know bud,” the world-weary bartender says, “I’ve been in this business for a long, long time and it will take something pretty freaking special to impress me but if you think you can give it a shot”.
The man smiles and lifts a carry-on type suitcase onto the bar, opens it, reaches in and withdraws a small grand piano and places it on the bar. He reaches in again and this time takes out a small matching piano bench and put it on the bar in front of the piano. Next he takes out several pieces of sheet music appropriately sized and puts that on the piano.  He stops and looks up at the bartender, smiles and says “Prepared to be amazed!”
Then with a flourish he reaches in and gently removes a very small man wearing a tuxedo and places him on the bench. After a few seconds of getting himself comfortable and arranging the music he starts playing Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.
The bartender’ drops open as he listens  to the music. After a minute he says “Wow! I gotta say it. I am impressed. What are you drinking?”
“Bourbon,” the man responds enthusiastically.
The bartender is mesmerized by the music and as the musician moves through the sonata’s movements he keeps
refilling the man’s glass. A small crowd has gathered and when he finished the people applauded wildly. The little musician didn’t stop there but kept playing. Mozart, Bach, Joplin and ended his performance with a pedal to the metal version of Great Balls of Fire.
When he was finished the man put everything back in the case and started to leave but the bartender grabbed his arm and stopped him.
“You gotta tell me where he came from,” he demanded
“Well,” said the man “that’s a funny story. It happen a couple of years ago when I was visiting family in Ireland. I went out for a walk one day in a wooded area and heard a voice calling out. A little squeaky voice. He seemed to be calling for help. So I left the path a come across a leprechaun who had his head stuck under a large rock.” He stopped and looked at the bartender but he said nothing so the he continued. “The rock was big and it took me a few minutes to move it but when I did he jumped up and gave me a hug and said he was very grateful for what I did and would grant me a wish”.
“And this is what you wished for?” said the flabbergasted bartender.
“Not really,” said the man. “The rock sitting on his head must have damaged his hearing and so I ended up with a 12” pianist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7an4/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A little boy walks in on his parents........

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The dad, all flustered, tries to explain to him what was going on.
-Well, you know how you've always wanted a little brother?....that's what I was doing with mommy. I was putting your little brother inside mommy.
The little guy seems content with the explanation, and the dad is quite proud of himself for having thought of it.
A couple of weeks later, the dad comes home from work to find the little boy crying on the front steps.
-What's wrong buddy...why're you crying?
-My baby brother.
-What about him?
-The mailman came by today....AND ATE HIIIIMM!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f77fh/a_little_boy_walks_in_on_his_parents/
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I played golf with a guy in a wheelchair today

He must not play much judging by the silence I was met with when I asked him what his handicap is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f6zxi/i_played_golf_with_a_guy_in_a_wheelchair_today/
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Lady : Do you smoke?

Lady : Do you smoke ?
Man : Yes
Lady : How many packs a day ?
Man : 3 packs
Lady : How much per pack
Man : $10.00
Lady : And how long have you been smoking ?
Man : 15 years
Lady : So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be$10,800 correct ?
Man : Correct
Lady : If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct ?
Man : Correct
Lady : Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari ?
Man : Do you smoke ?
Lady : No
Man : Where's your fucking Ferrari then ?
Edit added line break

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f6zk5/lady_do_you_smoke/
%
Golfing in Scotland

John , who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
So they loaded  up John's minivan and headed north.  After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained,' and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.    And  if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning,  the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked,  "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do,'  said Shawn.  'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have  to admit that I did.'
'And did you  happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.  Why do you askk?'
'She just died and left me everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f6z01/golfing_in_scotland/
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What's the difference between pink and purple?

Your grip..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f6x94/whats_the_difference_between_pink_and_purple/
%
What's the difference between a ginger and a brick?

Bricks get laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f6vwo/whats_the_difference_between_a_ginger_and_a_brick/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

At least 8. I've got 7 in my basement, and it's still dark down there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f6qnq/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f6k07/you_miss_100_of_the_shots_you_dont_take/
%
A nurse goes to the bank...

...after a long shift at the hospital. She has a check to cash.
She goes up to the counter, pulls the check out and then looks for a pen in her pocket. She begins to sign the check but then realizes its not a pen. The banker looks quizzicly at her. Its a rectal thermometer. The nurse is at her breaking point. "Shit.... some asshole took my pen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f6i08/a_nurse_goes_to_the_bank/
%
My nose was clogged the other day.

A dutch woman kicked me right in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f6go2/my_nose_was_clogged_the_other_day/
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A golfer goes out for a beer...

After a round of golf, a golfer loads his trunk up with his clubs but puts his extra tees and balls in his pockets. He goes into the clubhouse for a beer.
He sits down next to a blond woman at the bar. She sees the bulging pants of the golfer and barely stops herself from gasping. She cannot stop looking down at his pants, taking peeks.
The golfer notices. He says to her, "Its just golf balls."
The blond still looks aghast. And takes another couple glances. She says to him, "Does it hurt worse then tennis elbow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f6gcf/a_golfer_goes_out_for_a_beer/
%
Why don't blind people skydive?

Because it scares the shit out of the dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f6fqi/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
%
My wife is so weird

She starts every conversation with *"were you even listening to me? "*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f6aer/my_wife_is_so_weird/
%
A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing eye dog.

Immediately when he gets inside, he begins to swing the dog over his head by his leash.
The bartender yells " Hey ! Stop !, WTF do you think you are doing ?"
the blind man said "Just looking around"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f67qv/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_seeing_eye_dog/
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What do black people and Batman have in common?

Neither one of them get r/dadjokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f67aw/what_do_black_people_and_batman_have_in_common/
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First day of sex-ed...

So it's the first day of sex-ed in the 6th grade and they show the students the human reproductive systems. An Asian student, a white student, and a black student have some concerns.
The Asian student goes home and asks his dad: "Dad, why is my dick so much smaller than the one they showed in sex-ed today?"
Dad responds: "Don't worry son, you'll be good at math."
White kids goes home and says: "Dad, why's my dick smaller than the one they showed in sex-ed today?"
Dad responds: "Don't worry, Son. When you get older, you're penis will grow and you'll be the same size too."
The black student goes home and asks: "Dad, why is my dick so much bigger than the one they showed in sex-ed today?"
Dad responds: "Shit, Marcus--You're 23!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f64f3/first_day_of_sexed/
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I'm 100 percent against

animal cruelty. Nothing makes me sadder than when my dog makes fun of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f63up/im_100_percent_against/
%
A wife texted her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f5z4s/a_wife_texted_her_husband/
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There were nine INTERPOL agents in a briefing.

They were named INTERPOL 1, INTERPOL 2, and so on. Their names were read out one by one in attendance. As the speaker reached the end, he said "INTERPOL 6, INTERPOL 7, INTERPOL 9." The missing agent stood up and asked why her name wasn't called. The speaker said, "You can figure it out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f5yq2/there_were_nine_interpol_agents_in_a_briefing/
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My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip.

I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f5u51/my_wife_thinks_its_seductive_to_bite_her_lip/
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An Aussie truck driver walks into an outback cafe with a full grown emu.

The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a beer please,’ and turns to his pal. ‘I’ll have the same,’ says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. ‘That’ll be $9.40 please.’ He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day they return and the truckie orders a hamburger, chips and a beer, and the emu says, ‘I’ll have the same.’ Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
‘The usual?’ asks the waitress. ‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato, salad and a martini,’ says the man. ‘Same,’ says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’ Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot contain her curiosity any longer.
‘Excuse me mate, but how do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’
‘Well love, a few years ago I was cleaning out the back shed when I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there.’
The waitress asks him, ‘So what’s with the bloody emu?’
The truckie sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f5tx8/an_aussie_truck_driver_walks_into_an_outback_cafe/
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Did you hear about the guy that invented the door knocker?

He won the "Nobell" prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f5rmn/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_invented_the_door/
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Why do they run the credits at the beginning of Game of Thrones?

Because you don't know who is going to make it to the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f5qap/why_do_they_run_the_credits_at_the_beginning_of/
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A young Korean couple are lying in bed...

When the guy starts farting nonstop.
The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"
"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."
"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f5nlk/a_young_korean_couple_are_lying_in_bed/
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Two men were driving down a long country road.. (NSFW)

Driving for hours, they pass a large fenced in field. The driver sees a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. The driver pulls over and says, "man, I got to get me some a that!"
So he walks over behind the sheep, drops his pants, whips it out and starts fucking the sheep.
The passenger anxiously watches and waits for him to finish.
The driver eventually gets it over with and pulls up his pants.
The passenger then says, "hey! You think I could get some of that?!"
"Sure! By all means, go ahead!"
So the passenger walks over and sticks his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f5mwq/two_men_were_driving_down_a_long_country_road_nsfw/
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A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time

When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.
One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f5l9o/a_man_always_smoked_two_cigarettes_at_a_time/
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I wanted to make friends but I had no facebook

So I went out on the street and started shouting what I cooked, ate or drank.
Right now I've got 3 followers - two cops and a psychiatrist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f5hlf/i_wanted_to_make_friends_but_i_had_no_facebook/
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I'm done drinking for good...

Now I drink for Evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f5fxb/im_done_drinking_for_good/
%
'Do you always pray before dinner?'

'No, my mom is a good cook.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f5d1z/do_you_always_pray_before_dinner/
%
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks "What's are these, dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see" replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school".
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday". "Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men" The dad answers "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday". "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f59yo/a_man_walks_into_a_drug_store_with_his_8year_old/
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What did the zoophile scientist say to his assistant?

If you need me I'll be in my lab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f5845/what_did_the_zoophile_scientist_say_to_his/
%
Have you ever worked in a chicken farm?

Because you sure know how to raise a cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f55mv/have_you_ever_worked_in_a_chicken_farm/
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WW2 pilot recalls a morning patrol in front of son's school class

A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces.  She invited him to come in and speak to the class.  The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting.  As we fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the German Air Force.
He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f53ch/ww2_pilot_recalls_a_morning_patrol_in_front_of/
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I surveyed 100 women & asked which shampoo did they use when showering.

99 of them said, 'HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f504q/i_surveyed_100_women_asked_which_shampoo_did_they/
%
Guy selling apple seeds at street...

Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: okay, give me 5 seeds
man: That is 10$ sir
PO gave man the money and ate the seeds and 2 min after that he said:
PO: wait a minute, I could have bought like 10 apples for that money and get like 20-30 seeds.....
man: see they already work :)
PO: Wow, give me 5 more!
Sry for bad english

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f4z6p/guy_selling_apple_seeds_at_street/
%
went to a temporary tatoo parlor

it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain but the shop was gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f4y53/went_to_a_temporary_tatoo_parlor/
%
So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the"Rowing Team Quality First Program“, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f4skt/so_a_japanese_company_and_a_north_american/
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar...

-You know - says the Englishman - I have 10 sons. That is almost a soccer team.
-That's nothing. - says the Irishman - I have 14 sons. That is almost a rugby team.
-Well - says the Scotsman - I have 17 daughters. That is almost a golf course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f4p88/an_englishman_an_irishman_and_a_scotsman_are/
%
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

You pull the pin and throw it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f4mbe/what_do_you_do_if_a_blonde_throws_a_grenade_at_you/
%
Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"

Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f4m3h/blonde_what_does_idk_stand_for/
%
Two blondes walk into a bar.

You would think one of them would have seen it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f4ijy/two_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What do you call a bee that produces milk?

A boob bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f4gl8/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_produces_milk/
%
A man dies and goes to heaven..

As he stood in front of st. Peter at the pearly gates he noticed a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asks "what are those clocks for?"
St.peter replied "those are lie clocks everyone on earth has one, every time you tell a lie the minute hand moves."
"Oh" said the man "who's clock is that?"
"That's mother Teresas, the hands have never moved."
"Incredible" said the man,
"And that's Abraham Lincolns, his has only moved twice."
"Where's Obama's?" Asked the man
"Oh that's in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f4d4l/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
NSFW Pretty woman riding in an elevator and a small boy gets on

after the boy gets in and the elevator starts moving again he asks the woman
"Miss can I smell your feet?"
"No!" She replies in a huff.
"Must be your pussy then." as he exists the lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f4blq/nsfw_pretty_woman_riding_in_an_elevator_and_a/
%
Found a wooden shoe in my toilet

it was clogged
saw on last comic standing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f4aof/found_a_wooden_shoe_in_my_toilet/
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Smart Pills

So a boy and his father were walking in the mountains one day when the boy looks down at the ground and says: "Hey dad, what are these little round things?"
The dad looks at his boy and says: "Well son, those are get smart pills.  You take just one, and you'll be smarter."
The boy reluctantly picks up one and pops it in his mouth, seconds later he screams: "Dad, that tastes like shit!"
The dad says: "See, you're getting smarter already!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f47mo/smart_pills/
%
An Asian guy and this girl are driving in a car...

The girl decides it would be nice of her to give the guy a blowjob. They both agree. She starts to take off his pants, but before she gets past his underwear the girl looks up and says"Is it true what they say about Asian guys?" and he turns to her and says" Sadly it is." then he crashes the car and they both die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f471d/an_asian_guy_and_this_girl_are_driving_in_a_car/
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Where ?

A rather large man walked up to a cop near a busy intersection. He tapped the cop on the shoulder asked " Excuth me , can you tell me how to get to thirthy thirt theet ? "
The cop ignored him so he asked again " Excuth me , can you tell me how to get to thirthy thirt theet ! "
The cop still ignored him . Frantically the guy asked " EXCUTH ME! CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET TO THIRTHY THIRT THEET !!"
The cop still ignored him and the guy stomped off.  A spectator walked up to the cop and asked "Why didn't you tell that poor fellow how to get to thirty third street?"
The cop replied " And have that big thon of a bith kick the shith out me ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f46ml/where/
%
Why do native Americans hate the snow?

Because it's white, and it's on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f457t/why_do_native_americans_hate_the_snow/
%
What's black, and breaks into houses?

A wrecking ball

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f44k9/whats_black_and_breaks_into_houses/
%
Why do only 9/10 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste?

The last dentist is busy killing a lion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f41po/why_do_only_910_dentists_recommend_crest/
%
4 best friends are at a bar together.

Four best friends are at a bar. While one of them is in the bathroom, one of the other three starts a conversation. "You know, I'm so proud of my son," He begins, "He started as a mechanic and had so many clients that for his best friend's birthday he bought him a Mercedes S Class."
One of the other guys says "Oh that's nothing, my son started as a pilot and made so much money that he bought himself, and his best friend a private jet!"
The third guy says "Oh yeah? Well, my son started as a construction worker and he made so much money that he bought his best friend a 5 story mansion for his birthday!"
The fourth friend returns and asks "What are you guys talking about?" One of the others replies "We're talking about how proud we are about our sons, what happened with yours?" The fourth friend says "He's a male stripper for a gay bar downtown." "Well aren't you disappointed with him for doing so little?" One of the others asks. "Oh no, last month for his birthday his 3 boyfriends bought him a car, a plane, and a mansion!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f3ztc/4_best_friends_are_at_a_bar_together/
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What is Beethoven's favourite fruit?

BA-NA-NA-NA
BA-NA-NA-NA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f3wnc/what_is_beethovens_favourite_fruit/
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Here's another "dark" joke

Was walking down the street earlier when I saw a rather tall black man carrying a large flat screen plasma tv.
I thought to my self "holy fuck that looks just like mine!!"
So I ran all the way home to check.
Alas, mine was still there shining my shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f3wdq/heres_another_dark_joke/
%
Knock Knock!

*Who's there?*
Dwayne.
*Dwayne who?*
DWAYNE DA BAFFTUB!! I'M DWOWNIN'!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f3ucm/knock_knock/
%
A priest walks into a movie theater

...and finds that most of the seats are taken. He looks around for a while, and finally sees an empty seat. The priest asks the man sitting next to the open seat, "Excuse me, is this seat saved?"
The man looks the priest up and down and replies to him, "No, but it's willing to listen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f3t1o/a_priest_walks_into_a_movie_theater/
%
What's black and sits at the top of stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f3szi/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_stairs/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f3mpa/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
What shoes do pedophiles wear?

White Vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f3hdq/what_shoes_do_pedophiles_wear/
%
What did the pirate say to the flying prostitute?

Land ho!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f3gf4/what_did_the_pirate_say_to_the_flying_prostitute/
%
What is Tommy Wiseau's favorite state?

O Hai O

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f3cx5/what_is_tommy_wiseaus_favorite_state/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f3c4t/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
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What do you say when you friendzone a brony?

Friendship is magic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f3b0s/what_do_you_say_when_you_friendzone_a_brony/
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My friend told me I don't know the meaning of irony

Which was really ironic because we were at a bus station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f3aib/my_friend_told_me_i_dont_know_the_meaning_of_irony/
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I walked into a bookstore

, just trying to kill some time. I walked about a third of the way into the store before I really started to look around. I realized that all of the books were about Islam and  copies of the Koran. It was a Muslim bookstore. I started to head back to the door when a clerk stepped in front of me and politely asked “Is there anything I could help you find today?” I hesitated then said “I am looking for a book written by Donald Trump, it’s about Mexican and Muslim immigration into the US.” He looked at me for two solid seconds, then replied in a harsh whisper “Fuck you! Get out, and never come back!” I responded “Yes! That’s the one. Is it available in paperback?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f39mj/i_walked_into_a_bookstore/
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My favorite knock knock joke

* knock knock
* -whose there?
* hapch
* -hapch who?
* Bless you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f38bo/my_favorite_knock_knock_joke/
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If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f38ap/if_you_were_to_write_a_direct_very_short/
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2 monkeys in the bath

.
One says to the other... "Ooh ah ah ah uh uh ooh ah ah ah ah aaah"
The other says... "Do you want me to put some more cold in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f36fx/2_monkeys_in_the_bath/
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Fake penis [NSFW]

Two guys walk into a restaurant, they order a lot to eat but at the end they decided not to pay. One of them has a plan, he says: "I have dildo with me, lets imitate a blowjob, get on your knees and i will hold this dildo, when the waiter sees us, he'll call the manager and they will beat us up and throw us out, so we will walk out without paying a cent". The other guy accepts. Everything went as planned, they got beaten and thrown out. After doing this at 10-15 restaurants and everytime being successful, the guy who gave blowjob gets bored and wants to switch roles, he says: "I'm tired of sucking that dildo all this time let's switch roles, so you'll be the one who gives head" the guy replies: " What dildo? I lost that in that fight in first restaurant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f30bp/fake_penis_nsfw/
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A First Mate turns to his Captain and says...

"Captain! There is a light ahead and we are receiving a transmission that we should veer to the left."
The Captain grabbed the radio and said, "This is a fully armed battleship. Veer right or be destroyed."
The voice on the radio responded, "This is a lighthouse. Your move."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f2wh2/a_first_mate_turns_to_his_captain_and_says/
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What did the redneck say to his girlfriend after they broke up?

"Its ok, we can still be cousins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f2voa/what_did_the_redneck_say_to_his_girlfriend_after/
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What do you call a seagull over the bay?

A Bagel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f2vim/what_do_you_call_a_seagull_over_the_bay/
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A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f2v1n/a_girl_takes_a_black_guy_home/
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Why did the dog sit in the shade?

It didn't want to be a hotdog.
*ba dum tsss
*ba dum tish
idk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f2pe8/why_did_the_dog_sit_in_the_shade/
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Would it be dangerous for a human to live 65 million years ago?

You bet jurassic would.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f2owm/would_it_be_dangerous_for_a_human_to_live_65/
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My wife is such an air-head

I told her not to turn her head away after giving me a blowjob,
but she didn't listen. It went in one ear and out the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f2o0h/my_wife_is_such_an_airhead/
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A British Soldier and an Australian Soldier are in the trenches of the Somme

The British soldier asks the Australian: "Tell me lad, did you come here to die?"
The Australian says "Nah mate, I came here yesterdie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f2jla/a_british_soldier_and_an_australian_soldier_are/
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Why did the crazy mexican crash a train?

He had loco motives...
I'll show myself out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f2egf/why_did_the_crazy_mexican_crash_a_train/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead lost in the desert...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f2drh/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_lost_in_the/
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[NSFW] A guy and his girl are at the bar

After a while of sitting and drinking in a booth, the girl goes over to the bartender to get them another round. While she's there, a man starts harassing her, saying some really nasty shit. She's fuming.
She grabs the drinks and heads back to her boyfriend. "You are not going to believe what this guy just said to me!"
Her boyfriend, starting to get concerned, asks what happened.
"This guy over there," she explained. "He said he wanted to take my clothes off with his teeth!"
"Seriously?! Who the fuck was it?" the boyfriend asked, standing up and looking around for the guy.
"Wait! Then he said he wanted to lick me from head to toe!"
"Alright, this asshole just earned a beating," the boyfriend said, rolling up his shirt sleeves and getting ready for a fight.
"THEN he said, he wanted to fill my fill my pussy with liquor and drink it!"
Her boyfriend paused a moment, then sighed and sat back down to drink his beer.
"What are doing?! You're supposed to be my boyfriend! Aren't you going to go kick his ass for talking to me like that?!"
The boyfriend looks her in the eyes and calmly says, "Sweetheart, I may be your boyfriend, but I'm not fucking with ANYONE that can drink that much liquor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f2980/nsfw_a_guy_and_his_girl_are_at_the_bar/
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I'm not sexist. Sexism is wrong.

...and being wrong is for women!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f28td/im_not_sexist_sexism_is_wrong/
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What do sex and air have in common?

They're no big deal unless you aren't getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f27jd/what_do_sex_and_air_have_in_common/
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A man gets on a train to go to Scotland for business...

When he arrives, it's raining. He stays for three whole weeks and the rain never stops. When he finally returns to the train station, he see's a young boy. He goes up to him and says "Excuse me, does it ever stop raining here?" The boy replies "I'm not sure, I'm only 5 years old."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f27fs/a_man_gets_on_a_train_to_go_to_scotland_for/
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A man moves to the Shetland Islands to live in solitude for a while

However after some months he starts to grow lonely and wishes for some company. Two weeks later a great storm comes in, and amid the thunder and lightning three great knocks come at his door. He opens the door to find a large man in a kilt smiling widely. The Scott at the door exclaims "I come to invite you to a party!" The man, shocked, asks what he's getting himself into. "Well," said the Scott, "there'll be drinkin'. There's always drinkin' at a Scottish Party." The man nods and replies "Well, I fancy myself a good drink now and then. That sounds good to me." "And," continues the Scott, "there'll be fightin'. There's always a good fight at a Scottish Party." The man nods again and, with a grin, says "that's alright, I've been known to hold my own in a good brawl." "AND," interjects the Scott, "there'll be SEX. WILD Shetland SEX." The man stands, excitedly, and says "WELL! This sounds fantastic! I've been alone for months. I'll be there! What should I wear!?" "Oh just come as y'are, Laddy," the Scott replies, "it'll just be you 'n me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f24aa/a_man_moves_to_the_shetland_islands_to_live_in/
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Why was the Mathematician frowned upon?

He was a chronic math-debater

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f2421/why_was_the_mathematician_frowned_upon/
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What is white and disturbs your breakfast?

An avalanche

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f229r/what_is_white_and_disturbs_your_breakfast/
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Two bums are sharing a drink...

*A little background - in Russia it's kind of a cultural thing to drink in groups of three*
Two bums are sitting in an alley behind a liquor store and sharing a bottle of cheap vodka when a third bum comes up to them.
- "Hey guys, can I be the third?"
- "No, but you can be the fourth!"
- "What?"
- "We already told three others to go fuck themselves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f1zd5/two_bums_are_sharing_a_drink/
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take me a while to get hard, i just got laid by a chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f1z67/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
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3 blondes on a hike found some tracks in the woods...

Blonde girl one said "These are wolf tracks."
Blonde girl two rolled her eyes and said "No Lori, you're such an idiot, these are deer tracks."
Blonde girl three piped up and said "You are both wrong, these are obviously horse tracks."
They stood there arguing over the tracks for about 15 minutes. During the heated debate, they were hit by a train.
I'm sure you guys have heard this before, but just in case I figured I'd post it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f1wb8/3_blondes_on_a_hike_found_some_tracks_in_the_woods/
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I saw a beaver movie last night.

And it was the best dam movie I'd ever seen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f1nmy/i_saw_a_beaver_movie_last_night/
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Euro English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve  vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f1nj9/euro_english/
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Want to know what I know about dwarves?

Very little.
Heard from a friend. It's awful, I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f1hwh/want_to_know_what_i_know_about_dwarves/
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Scientists created the first white laser.

They were fired for racism and hate speech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f1hlm/scientists_created_the_first_white_laser/
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My favorite knock knock joke.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
To.
To Who?
To *Whom.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f1g56/my_favorite_knock_knock_joke/
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I went to the supermarket today, and was there for literally 5 minutes

When i came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said,"Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break".
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So then I asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until 5 tickets were placed on the windshield. The more i insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f1fkg/i_went_to_the_supermarket_today_and_was_there_for/
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Why did the scarecrow get an award?

He was out standing in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f1e97/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_an_award/
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What is a rabbi's favorite board game?

Jewmanji.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f1cms/what_is_a_rabbis_favorite_board_game/
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What happens when you play a country song backwards?

You get your truck back, you get your house back, you get your girl back, and you get your dog back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f1be7/what_happens_when_you_play_a_country_song/
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Pants and Panties

John was going to be married to Mary so his  Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'John, let me tell you something. On  my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, "Here, try these on.''  She did and said, "These are too big. I can't  wear them." to which I replied, "Exactly.... I wear the pants in  this f amily and I always will." Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
"Hmmm," said John.. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, John took off his pants and  said to Mary, "Here, try these on.... "
She tried them on and said, "These are too  large... They don't fit me."
John said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Mary took off her panties and handed them to John. She said, "Here, you try on mine."
John did and said, "I can't get into your panties."
Mary said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f190u/pants_and_panties/
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A blonde, a redhead and a brunette stranded on an island...

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 25 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f11nt/a_blonde_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_stranded_on_an/
%
"Doctor I think I need glasses!"

"You certainly do Sir, this is the butchers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f0y1c/doctor_i_think_i_need_glasses/
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.

Upon her return, her father questioned her mercilessly. “Where have ye been all this time? Why didn’t you write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old ma through?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Daddy … I became a prostitute.”
“Ye what?! Out of here, ye shameless girl! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”
“OK, Daddy… as ye wish. I just came back to give Ma this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club and… an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera.”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” asks Dad.
Girl, crying again, says….”A prostitute, Daddy.”
“Oh! Be the Hokey! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said … a PROTESTANT! Now, come here and give yer old man a hug!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f0sqx/an_irish_daughter_had_not_been_home_for_over_five/
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Two friends are hunting in the woods

when one says to the other, "Hey, I can see your house from here. Your wife is in the bedroom with some guy!"
The distraught husband says, "Please, I need you to shoot her in the head, and then shoot him in the nuts."
"Easy," the friend says. "I can make that in one shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f0so5/two_friends_are_hunting_in_the_woods/
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I think I'm a mushroom

Everyone keeps me in the dark and feeds me bullshit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f0qon/i_think_im_a_mushroom/
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A Case of Cows and Bull

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f0qi9/a_case_of_cows_and_bull/
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Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

Badum tss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f0np7/two_blondes_fell_down_a_hole_one_said_its_dark_in/
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Did you know lotr could have come out a lot earlier?

Only problem was no one knew what the writer was Tolkien about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f0j18/did_you_know_lotr_could_have_come_out_a_lot/
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How big of a difference is there between the male and female reproductive system?

There's a vas deferens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f0h8i/how_big_of_a_difference_is_there_between_the_male/
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What's the difference between america and a yoghurt?

A yoghurt develops a culture After sitting there for 100 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f0egp/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_a_yoghurt/
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Quick thinking

A man and a woman are fooling around, when suddenly they hear the front door slam, "Its my husband, hide in the ensuite!" the man runs in just as the husband enters, "Love, why are you naked?" she replys "For you dear", happy the man walks into the bathroom to see a naked man befor him, "Who the fuck are you!" "Th-The moth exterminator" the naked man replys, "Why are you NAKED" the angry husband asks, The naked man looks down, Jumps back in shock and shouts "THE BASTARDS".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f0dv2/quick_thinking/
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I'm giving up on the argument...

From now on I will pronounce it 'gif'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f09ks/im_giving_up_on_the_argument/
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10.

He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f05ye/arnold_schwarzenegger_was_asked_if_he_wanted_to/
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What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of Helium?

HeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f045u/what_did_the_scientist_say_when_he_found_two/
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Have you heard the rumor about butter?

I could tell you but I don't want to spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f03sc/have_you_heard_the_rumor_about_butter/
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I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f02bv/im_sick_and_tired_of_people_telling_me_to_turn/
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A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f003y/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
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So Mick Jagger has a pet frog...

The frog decides he wants to buy a nice boat and sail the Caribbean, but he needs to take out a loan to pay for it. So he goes to the bank and talks to Ms. Paddiwack, the personal banker, about getting a loan. He explains that he is Mick Jagger's frog and all about the boat. Ms. Paddiwack asks him if he has any collateral for the loan. "Oh, yes!" the frog says, and he hands her a tiny, pink carving of an elephant.
Ms. Paddiwack goes to her boss and says, "Sir, Mick Jagger's personal frog is here asking for a 200k dollar loan and all he has for collateral is THIS. What even is this?"
To which her boss replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddiwack, give the frog a loan- his old man's a Rolling Stone!"
*All credit for this joke goes to my hilarious high school art teacher*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ezztl/so_mick_jagger_has_a_pet_frog/
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There are two reasons I would never drink from a toilet

Number 1, and number 2

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ezy50/there_are_two_reasons_i_would_never_drink_from_a/
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A priest decides to take a Sunday off

He feels a little guilty, but is sick of church, and tells himself that he deserves it. Just one Sunday off, what could it hurt? He arranges for a guest priest to give the service, and when Sunday comes, he goes golfing.
The priest gets to the golf course, and sets the ball on the tee. He lines up, aims his shot and swings. He searches all over for the ball, but in his amazement, he's made a hole in one!
He gives himself a pat on the back and moves on to the next hole. Again, he swings, and finds that he's made another hole in one! He's so excited he almost can't even write down the score.
All day, for all 18 holes, the priest swings and gets a hole in one, every time without failure. He's over the moon amazed and can't believe what a great day he's had. After the 18th hole, he packs up his equipment and goes home, glad that he's had a day all to himself, and what a great one at that!
God and the Devil have been watching the priest's amazing one-in-a-billion game all day.
The Devil turns to God and says, "I don't get it. This priest selfishly took a day off, and you give him the best golf day anyone could ever ask for. What gives?"
God grins to himself and says, "Who's he gonna tell?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ezvyf/a_priest_decides_to_take_a_sunday_off/
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Only in America...

Can you shoot up a whole church and still be hated less than someone who shot a lion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ezvez/only_in_america/
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What kind of ears does an engine have?

Enginears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ezto0/what_kind_of_ears_does_an_engine_have/
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Mama shark and baby shark

Mama shark and Baby shark are swimming in the ocean. Mama shark turns to Baby shark and says "Baby shark, do you see those swimmers up there on the surface? I'm gonna teach you how to hunt. Watch this". So Mama shark swims up, sticks her fin out of the water, circles them 3 times, and then eats them. She comes back down and says "You see what I did there Baby shark?" Baby shark says "yes I did! that was great! but why did you stick your fin out of the water and circle them 3 times?" and Mama shark replies, "Well I find they taste much better when the shit is out of them"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ezo12/mama_shark_and_baby_shark/
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So many years after his death, I stayed in room 1401 and remembered how great Mitch Hedberg was.

"The hotel I'm staying in has no 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But people on the 14th floor: You know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? 1401? No, you're not! If you jump out that window, you will die earlier."
— Mitch Hedberg
R.I.P.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eznle/so_many_years_after_his_death_i_stayed_in_room/
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10 blondes walk into a bar...

they say to the bartender, "We'll have the most expensive bottle of champagne you have! We're celebrating."
They sit down and crack open the bottle and raise their glasses and they all say "23" and drink.
The bartender is curious and goes to their table and asks, "What are you celebrating?"
They point to a framed puzzle and say, "We'll we were sick of all the negative stereotypes of blondes, so we decided to do this puzzle, it took us only 23 days, but on the box it says 2-3 years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ezm08/10_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
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The Scientific Method

A scientist was demonstrating his latest research to a group of scientists at a science symposium. He had trained a spider to follow voice commands.
"Spider, go forward"
The spider began walking on the table.
"Spider, go left"
The spider turned left.
"Spider, go right"
The spider turned right.
Just to prove it wasn't a coincidence, the scientist said "Spider, do a backflip"
The spider did a backflip. The audience was agog. No one was exactly sure what they were witnessing. It was truly astounding and a very important moment for science.
Then the scientist pinned down the spider with a surgical implement and sliced all of it's legs of with a scalpel.
"Spider, go forward."
Nothing. The spider just, sort of, twitched.
"Spider, go backwards."
Still nothing  .
"As you can see, when we cut the spiders legs off, it loses it's sense of hearing completely."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ezkqe/the_scientific_method/
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What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ezjx5/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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Apparently The Hulk's blind date went well.

I asked him about it today and he just said "Hulk Smash."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ezfdf/apparently_the_hulks_blind_date_went_well/
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Three blondes were stuck on an island

Three blonde women are stuck on an island. Together, they find a genie lamp and give it a rub. Sure enough, out comes the genie, who offers each of them one wish.
The first blonde woman says, "I wish I was smarter." The genie turns her into a brunette, and she swims off the island.
The next blonde woman thinks for a minute and tells the genie, "I wish you made me even smarter than you made her." The genie turns her into a black haired woman, and she builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde woman says, "I wish you made me smarter than both of them!" The genie then turns her into a man, and she takes the bridge off of the island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ezcg8/three_blondes_were_stuck_on_an_island/
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Two fish are in a tank...

...one says, "You shoot, I'll drive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ez9ed/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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A therapist...

...said he could tell what their problems are by what they named their kids. He told one lady that she is overeater, cause she named her kid Candy. Said another lady is drug addict, daughter named Crystal. One lady is alcoholic, named kid Brandy. Last lady took her son by the hand, said "Come on Dick, we are leaving."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ez928/a_therapist/
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A guy walks into a hospital and sees a really attractive female with brunette hair sitting down.

And sits right next to her to make conversation.
Guy:Hi, What are you here for?
Girl:I am donating blood.
Guy:How much are they giving you for your blood?
Girl:$50 for a pint, what about you? why are you here?
Guy:Oh, I am donating sperm.
Girl: Cool, how much are they giving you?
Guy:$300
Girl:Wow *surprised/shocked face*
Then the two go there separate ways. The next day the female walks into the hospital and sits next to the same guy she met yesterday and the guy says "Are you donating blood?"
And the girl whose mouth cheeks are puffed up shakes her head no
A joke I heard from a regular customer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ez8ro/a_guy_walks_into_a_hospital_and_sees_a_really/
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I don't like Jewish jokes.

Anne Frankly I won't stand them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ez6md/i_dont_like_jewish_jokes/
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A 911 operator gets a call one morning from a frantic man.

"My friend and I were out on a camping trip and I think he had a heart attack and he might have died and I don't know what to do".
The operator says to him "OK. Stay calm. First lets make sure he is dead".
The man says OK and a minute later the operator hears a gun shot. The man comes back and says;
"OK. Now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ez5tj/a_911_operator_gets_a_call_one_morning_from_a/
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I asked my North Korean friend how life was there

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ez56a/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_life_was_there/
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There once was an....

..... Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone..'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day andall night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was BlueBird's cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... Take a guess !
Think about it,
You're going to love this.
Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ez2wm/there_once_was_an/
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I want to die like my grandpa, peaceful and in his sleep.

Not screaming and terrified, like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eyx1m/i_want_to_die_like_my_grandpa_peaceful_and_in_his/
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Damn girl are you playboy magazine?

Cause holy fuck you have a pile of issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eyuvn/damn_girl_are_you_playboy_magazine/
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What you got there!? (Sorry probably horrible editing, from phone)

A young boy is walking down the street carrying chicken wire, there's an old man sitting in his porch watching him.  "Hey, boy, what you got there?"
"chicken wire". Replys the boy.
"What you gunna do with that chicken wire?" Asks the old man.
"Catch me some chickens."
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire." The old man yells.
The boy just shrugs his shoulders and keeps walking.  A while passes and the boy comes walking back carrying 3 chickens.  The old man sees him and shakes his head.
The next day, the boy passes by again carrying duct tape.
"Hey boy, what you got there?" The old man asks.
"Duct tape, I'm going to catch me some ducks!"
The old man shakes his head, "you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just continues on his way.  Returning after a short while carrying 4 ducks.  The old man sees him and shakes his head.
The following day the boy walks by dragging a long sick.  The old man squinting looking at the boy, "hey boy, what you got now!?"
"This a branch from the pussy willow tree!"
The old man jumps up, "Hold on right there, Let me get my hat, im going with ya!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eyr60/what_you_got_there_sorry_probably_horrible/
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Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions?

I know I do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eyqnj/dont_you_hate_it_when_people_answer_their_own/
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Prom

Billy was going to his high school's prom with his girlfriend Sally on Friday night. So Friday morning he goes to pick up his tuxedo, but there's a really long line and he has to wait 45 minutes to get his tuxedo. Then he has to go get some flowers for Sally, but again there's a long line and he has to wait for an hour to get the flowers. Once he's ready he starts driving to Sally's house to pick her up, but there's a lot of traffic and has to wait again. He finally gets to the dance. After dancing for a little bit with Sally, she gets thirsty and asks for some punch. He goes to get her some, but there's no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eypzo/prom/
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My grandpa was too sick to hear my daily joke at lunch today so I wanted to share his favorite joke!

There's a blonde rowing a boat out in a cornfield when another blonde drives by and sees her. She pulls over and yells to the blonde in the field, "You're the reason people think blondes are so stupid, and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
PS- Thanks to this sub for constantly providing me with hilarious jokes to tell my grandpa at lunch! He's an awesome man and really enjoyed the one about Congress being kidnapped the other day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eynva/my_grandpa_was_too_sick_to_hear_my_daily_joke_at/
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Some people were taking a tour of a rubber factory

On the tour they stop by where the factory made baby bottles caps.  Everyone could hear the machine working: "Shh, pop, shh, pop, shh, pop".  One of the tourists asked the guide what the noises were.
"well you see, the shhing sound is the rubber filling the moulds and the popping is the machine poking a hole where the liquid will come out"
Everyone thought that made sense and moved along the tour.  Later on, the group came to where the factory made condoms.  This time they heard, "Shh, shh, pop,  shh, shh, pop".  And again someone asked what the noises were.
The tour guide answers, "well its the same noises as the baby bottle caps.  The shhing is the filling of the condom mould and the popping is the machine poking a hole in every other condom"
One man interjects, "well that can't be too good for the condom business!"
The tour guide then replies, "yea but it's great for the baby bottle cap business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eyjy3/some_people_were_taking_a_tour_of_a_rubber_factory/
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Girl called me the other day and said: 'Come on over, nobody's home'

I went over,
nobody was home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eyexi/girl_called_me_the_other_day_and_said_come_on/
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Knock Knock! Who's there...

No one because you have no friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eybs3/knock_knock_whos_there/
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I'm a big fan of 50 cent

Or as he's known in Zimbabwe, 10 billion dollars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eyazn/im_a_big_fan_of_50_cent/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ey7l4/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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Why do hippies wear corduroy?

It's groovy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ey74f/why_do_hippies_wear_corduroy/
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My girlfriend just broke up with me, mainly because of my extreme Burger King addiction.

So I said to her "Fine, have it your way."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ey6zx/my_girlfriend_just_broke_up_with_me_mainly/
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Mothers in Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy  session with four young mothers and their small  children. "You all have obsessions," he  observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.  You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the  second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,  Penny."
He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself  in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the  fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by  the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick,  this guy has no idea  what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3exun3/mothers_in_therapy/
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Impatience

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3exuk2/impatience/
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I couldn't get past first base with the native girl

she had her reservations

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3extde/i_couldnt_get_past_first_base_with_the_native_girl/
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Why is there no gambling in Africa?

Too many cheetahs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3exnxa/why_is_there_no_gambling_in_africa/
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A Navy recruit is being shown around the ship for the first time...

As he is going around the ship with the sergeant, they get to the sleeping quarters. The sergeant says, "This is where you will sleep and get dressed." Before they continue on, the recruit spots a barrel with a hole in the side of it in the corner of the sleeping quarters. The recruit asks, "Sir, what is the barrel in the corner for?" The sergeant replies, "That's for when, um, you get horny. You, you know..." assuming the recruit knew what he was insinuating.  "Understood" replied the recruit. "Don't forget," said the sergeant. "You can use that barrel every day of the week *except* Tuesday."  The recruit asks, "Why not Tuesday?"  The sergeant replies, "Because that's your turn in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3exn4p/a_navy_recruit_is_being_shown_around_the_ship_for/
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An old married couple....

...... no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'
Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3exeib/an_old_married_couple/
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What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?

###Mitosis!
I'll see myself out..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3exdgy/what_did_the_cell_say_when_his_sister_stepped_on/
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You know what sucks about being an agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

You end up staying awake all night wondering if there is a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3exdgf/you_know_what_sucks_about_being_an_agnostic/
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A trucker is driving and comes to a red light..

As he stops, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3exdbi/a_trucker_is_driving_and_comes_to_a_red_light/
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A man and his ever-nagging wife are on vacation in Jerusalem

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.
The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"
The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3exd5a/a_man_and_his_evernagging_wife_are_on_vacation_in/
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I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .
Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left.....
......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3exadq/i_met_this_girl_the_other_day_and_she/
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Hedgehogs

Why can't they just share the hedge?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ex4r5/hedgehogs/
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There are 10000000 people in a room

1 of them understands binary and the other 127 don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ex45e/there_are_10000000_people_in_a_room/
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On a Scale of 1 to 10, How Obsessed am I with Harry Potter?

9 3/4
*Credit goes to a tee shirt I saw.  I'm not that witty.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ex41w/on_a_scale_of_1_to_10_how_obsessed_am_i_with/
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Rene Descartes walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "will you be having a drink tonight?"
Descartes replies, "I think not."
And POOF, he disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ex305/rene_descartes_walks_into_a_bar/
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Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'guys.' I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing the wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her.
(Even when drunk as a skunk.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'.
She didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t,' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ex2eh/cuckoo_clock/
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If there is a Wessex, Sussex, and Essex why isn't there a northern county similarly named?

Cause then there would be Nosex!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ex1m9/if_there_is_a_wessex_sussex_and_essex_why_isnt/
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Why was the ocean embarrassed?

Because all the fish could see his bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ex14t/why_was_the_ocean_embarrassed/
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A Blonde Visits a Doctor

One day, a blonde goes to a doctor. She told the doctor, "Doctor, my son has dandruff, what do I do?" The doctor replied, "Give him Head and Shoulders." So the next day, the blonde comes back and asks, "Doctor, how do I give him shoulders?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ex0db/a_blonde_visits_a_doctor/
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Born with no eyelids

( I usually start this one off by casually asking if someone has been keeping up with the news)
Oh, did you see the story about the missionaries that adopted that baby that was born with no eyelids?
No?  It was pretty interesting.  So, check it out, this group of missionaries was working in a rural part of some country in Asia, Thailand I think, and they found this baby that had been born with a congenital birth defect, he was born without eyelids.
Yeah I know, it's pretty crazy.  The country hospital they found him in was trying to keep him from going blind by dropping eyedrops into his eyes every few minutes.  The missionaries felt horrible for the kid and his family, so they offered to adopt him, and after pulling a few strings they brought him to a children's hospital in Boston to see if he could be helped.
So this awesome plastic surgeon there discovered that he could transplant the kids foreskin and create useable eyelids, and they saved the kids sight!
Everything worked, the surgery was successful.  Only problem now is that the kid is just a little bit cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ex069/born_with_no_eyelids/
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What do you call a crushed angle?

A RECTANGLE !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ewywm/what_do_you_call_a_crushed_angle/
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I robbed a bank dressed as a frog the other day

It was the first time I Kermit-ed a crime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ewyoj/i_robbed_a_bank_dressed_as_a_frog_the_other_day/
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Lawyers & Assholes

A man is sitting in a bar when he loudly says, "All lawyers are assholes." A man sitting on the other side of the bar hears this and replies, "Hey, I'm offended by that." The first man replies, "What, are you a lawyer?" The second man replies, "No, I'm an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ewuky/lawyers_assholes/
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A blonde a Catholic and a Boy Scout

So a blonde going on vacation, and a Boy Scout on his way to retreat with his father get on a small aircraft with the pilot who is an old and devout catholic.
The pilot sees the Boy Scout is shouldering a large pack and takes it from him, laying it near the door. They all take their seats and get up in the air. Soon after, the plane's engines stall, and the pilot announces they are going to crash.
"I only have two parachutes," the pilot says. "But I've lived a long, righteous life, so I'll go down with the plane and soon see my wife in heaven."
The boy's father looks at him. "Billy, you've always been so compassionate and intelligent. You go on that retreat. I've lived a wonderful life and have already made greatest achievement, you. So young lady, you and Billy may take the parachutes."
"Yippee!" The blonde says, and jumps out the exit.
"Now son, I know this is hard-"
"Wait, dad. I just want to ask... You always wished you could buy me the world, right?"
"Of course, son."
"And if I lost my backpack, you'd buy me a new one?"
"Of course, son."
"Good. Here's your parachute. That dumb bitch just stole my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ewrlv/a_blonde_a_catholic_and_a_boy_scout/
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a pub in Dublin.

She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit. She points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an old, owly-eyed drunk slams his hand down on the counter and bellows, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
She turns to the patrons and again points around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, ‘What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
Once again, the same little ole drunk slaps his money down on the bar and says, “Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approaches the little ole drunk and says, “Tell me, Paddy, it’s your own darn business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why in tarnation do you keep calling her the ballerina?”
The drunk replies, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ewnvv/a_large_woman_wearing_a_sleeveless_sun_dress/
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I use to be terrified of speed bumps...

But I slowly got over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ewnls/i_use_to_be_terrified_of_speed_bumps/
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A man was walking his pet raccoon down the street.

A black guy walked up to him, pointed at the raccoon, and said, "What the hell is that?"
The man said, "You don't know what this is? Ha, I bet you've been called this your whole life."
The black guy replies, "You mean to tell me that's a motherfucker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ewk4s/a_man_was_walking_his_pet_raccoon_down_the_street/
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Panda walks into a restaurant....

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ewjik/panda_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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Whats the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ewi6a/whats_the_difference_between_a_catfish_and_a/
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I have a dog with no legs.

His name is Cigarette because I have to take him out for a drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ewg6q/i_have_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ewbv6/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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On earth: A magician puts his hand in his hat.

In the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. It is time. The rabit council must choose another sacrifice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ewasn/on_earth_a_magician_puts_his_hand_in_his_hat/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ewara/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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After the death of Bobbi Kristina Brown in similar circumstances to her mother Whitney Houston...

The family have released an online video to commemorate their lives.
"Two Girls, One Tub" was probably not the best idea for a title.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ew5v4/after_the_death_of_bobbi_kristina_brown_in/
%
[NSFW]Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ew5ah/nsfwwhy_is_your_cat_at_school_today_jimmy/
%
What do you call a ring of iron atoms?

A ferrous wheel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ew3hp/what_do_you_call_a_ring_of_iron_atoms/
%
Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital?

It came out cordless!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ew3g9/did_you_hear_about_the_baby_that_was_born_in_a/
%
What's an epileptic persons favorite appetizer?

Seizure Salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ew2l0/whats_an_epileptic_persons_favorite_appetizer/
%
What do you call two guys using the same urinal?

Peers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3evzjr/what_do_you_call_two_guys_using_the_same_urinal/
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What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3evtcn/whats_the_difference_between_a_genealogist_and_a/
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My last relationship...let's say it was an integration.

I thought she was the one. Now she's my ex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3evs9x/my_last_relationshiplets_say_it_was_an_integration/
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Fucking Doctors . . .

A doctor walks into a nursing surgery. Say's to the mother, "I've got good news and i've got bad news."
Mother says, "Give me the bad news."
Doctor says, "Your baby was born with red hair"
Mother says, "Give me the good news"
Doctor says, "It died."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3evrhi/fucking_doctors/
%
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3evo8j/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/
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What's green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?

A girl scout that got hit by a car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3evno9/whats_green_lies_in_a_ditch_and_is_covered_in/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3evlnd/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
What do you call a cow...

With three legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
That's right! Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
.... YOUR MOM.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3evldz/what_do_you_call_a_cow/
%
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.....

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3evkol/a_girl_realized_that_she_had_grown_hair_between/
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“Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3evkcf/heres_something_i_have_that_youll_never_have/
%
When I get naked in the bathroom,

the shower usually gets turned on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3evgvg/when_i_get_naked_in_the_bathroom/
%
Why is it better to be a redditor rather than a suicide bomber?

You are guaranteed to meet more virgins..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3evfri/why_is_it_better_to_be_a_redditor_rather_than_a/
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What do warm toilet seats and pussy have in common?

They both feel nice but you never know who's been there first

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3evfan/what_do_warm_toilet_seats_and_pussy_have_in_common/
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What is a great way to baby-proof a house?

Condoms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ev98y/what_is_a_great_way_to_babyproof_a_house/
%
How did Moses make his tea in the morning?

Hebrewed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ev71i/how_did_moses_make_his_tea_in_the_morning/
%
Ran Into Hitler

I ran into Hitler. I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to. He said, “This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!”
I replied, “Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?”
He replied, “See? Nobody cares about zee Jews.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ev152/ran_into_hitler/
%
I swallowed some food coloring earlier.

I think I dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3euvbj/i_swallowed_some_food_coloring_earlier/
%
A man is jogging along a beach...

A man is jogging along a beach when he sees a woman with no arms or legs sitting on a bench, crying.
He walks up to her and asks her if she's okay, to which she replies,
"I see all these people hugging, and I've never been hugged!"
So the man gives her a hug and then jogs off.
The next day, he's running on the same beach when he sees the same woman with no arms or legs, sobbing.
He goes up to her and asks her again if she's okay, and she responds,
"I've never been kissed before!"
So he gives her a quick kiss and then jogs off.
The next day while on his run he sees her again, still there, still crying. He approaches her and asks whats wrong, to which she hesitantly replies with,
"Well, I don't know if this is too much, but I've never been fucked either.."
So the man picks her up by the torso and chucks her into the ocean, yelling, "You're fucked now!"
----
My favorite joke :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eut24/a_man_is_jogging_along_a_beach/
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My girlfriend has a fetish for feet

Every time I go to see her she adds a few more to the restraining order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eur8p/my_girlfriend_has_a_fetish_for_feet/
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I'm not racist...

I'm not racist, cause racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3euqev/im_not_racist/
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Justice

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”
The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?”
“$7.98.” said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3euqc7/justice/
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Found a interesting submission today about how to counter-attack while fencing...

Then I realized it was a riposte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3euoq1/found_a_interesting_submission_today_about_how_to/
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How many social justice warriors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Lol they can't change anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eunya/how_many_social_justice_warriors_does_it_take_to/
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Nosferatu's bats

Nosferatu the Vampire wants a bat to be his companion. He decides to hold a competition to choose the best bat for the job. He tells the bats, "Whoever gets the most blood on their face and comes back to me gets to be my companion." So Nosferatu brings the four bats auditioning for the job to the top of his castle and tells the first bat to fly out and come back with blood on his face.
The first bat comes back with some blood on his face. Nosferatu says, "Good job. How did you do it?" The first bat replies, "See that school over there? I sucked the blood out of the children." Nosferatu is pleased and sends out the second bat.
The second bat comes back with a lot blood on his face. Nosferatu says, "Good job. How did you do it?" The second bat replies, "See that village over there? I sucked the blood out of the working men." Nosferatu is pleased and sends out the third bat.
The third bat comes back with *a ton* on his face. Nosferatu says, "Good job. How did you do it?" The third bat replies, "See that church over there? I sucked the blood out of the nuns." Nosferatu is pleased and sends out the fourth and final bat.
The forth bat comes back and his **entire** face is covered in blood. Nosferatu, astounded, says, "Oh my lord! Fantastic job! How on earth did you do it?" The fourth bat says, "See that tower over there?" Nosferatu says, "well, no I don't". The fourth bat replies, "neither did I".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eumvu/nosferatus_bats/
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What does American Beer and making love on the beach have in common?

They're both fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eujcn/what_does_american_beer_and_making_love_on_the/
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What fabric is Mario's overalls?

Denim denim denim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eug82/what_fabric_is_marios_overalls/
%
My dad died five years ago but I still see him everywhere I look.

Makes me wish I hadn't dismembered him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eu1dq/my_dad_died_five_years_ago_but_i_still_see_him/
%
Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3etvyz/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
%
I never feel entirely comfortable leaving a music gig...

It's disconcerting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3etr76/i_never_feel_entirely_comfortable_leaving_a_music/
%
Companies should make camouflage condoms...

So they never see you comin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3etnu7/companies_should_make_camouflage_condoms/
%
Bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

Not sure what he laced them with, but I have been trippen' all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3etna0/bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
Why did the neckbeard become a doctor?

He sure knows how to treat M'aladies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3etn4z/why_did_the_neckbeard_become_a_doctor/
%
A man and a young boy are walking through a deep, dark forest...

The young boy tugs on the man's sleeve and says "I'm scared."
So the man says, "You think *you're* scared, I have to walk out of here alone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3etn34/a_man_and_a_young_boy_are_walking_through_a_deep/
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An old married couple

An ancient old couple were sitting in their rockers on their front porch, reflecting on life.  Suddenly, the woman gets up and smacks the old man so hard he tumbles off the porch onto the ground.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That's for having such a tiny penis!" she answered.
He gets up, dusts himself off and gets back in his chair.  After a while, he gets up and smacks her off the porch and onto the ground.
She yells "What was that for?"
"That's for knowing the difference!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3etlwa/an_old_married_couple/
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Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog?

He was told to get a long little doggy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3etlr2/why_did_the_cowboy_adopt_a_wiener_dog/
%
Parachute for sale

Used once
Never opened
Small stain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ethmb/parachute_for_sale/
%
Little Johnny at the playground

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."  Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ethhe/little_johnny_at_the_playground/
%
Why is it so hard to pull over on the Pirate Highway?

Because there's a parrot on the shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3etgo5/why_is_it_so_hard_to_pull_over_on_the_pirate/
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The moral of the story...

A newlywed man arrives home one day. As he ascends the stairs and enters the bedroom he sees his wife's sister sprawled on the bed completely naked.
"I've always had a thing for you since you started dating my sister", she says. "You can have me right now anyway you want me. I won't tell a soul."
The man immediately does an about face and goes down the stairs and out the front door. Outside waiting is his wife. She immediately walks up to him and embraces him.
"Honey I'm so proud of you!", the wife says. "You resisted temptation and now I know I can trust you the rest of my life."
The moral of the story? Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3etep7/the_moral_of_the_story/
%
I'm not afraid of someone who threatens to open up a can of whoopass on me...

I'm much more afraid of the people who can the whoopass to begin with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3etcmo/im_not_afraid_of_someone_who_threatens_to_open_up/
%
Connecting to a wifi named 'Martin Router King' ...

... and suddenly I have a stream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eta3i/connecting_to_a_wifi_named_martin_router_king/
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An old man who's wife has this, told me this joke today. Cue awkward laugh.

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Annabel, age 87, wandered into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”
She asks “What?”
He replies “SEX!!!”
Annabel exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”
“I know”, Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.”
“Well, I can oblige”, says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
They agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard’s manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K.
She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with Sarah, who was holding Howard’s manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don’t have?”
Howard smiled and replied “Parkinson’s!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3et90a/an_old_man_whos_wife_has_this_told_me_this_joke/
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What's red and orange and looks good on hippies....

Fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3et8f1/whats_red_and_orange_and_looks_good_on_hippies/
%
Road Painter

A man wants a line painted down the middle of a private road, so he posts an advertisement for a road painter.  Only one person calls him to apply for the job.
When he interviews the applicant, the man can tell that the guy is dim-witted, but since he is the only person available for the job he decides to hire him anyway.
The next day, the man shows the guy where he wants the line to begin.  "Start here," he says, plunking down five buckets of paint and a roller, "and paint a four inch line down the middle of the road."
The man comes back the next day, and is amazed to see that the guy has painted a clean white line down the middle of the road, nearly the length of a football field.  "Great job!" he exclaims, "Well done!"
The man comes back the following day, but is dismayed to see that the guy has only added a quarter of the length of a football field to his first effort.  "What happened?" he asks, "The first day you covered a fantastic distance, but today only a little more."
"Well," replies the dimwit, "I kept getting farther away from the buckets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3et4hu/road_painter/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

...Look for the Fresh Prints...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3et3no/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
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Father comes home...

Father comes home  and finds his daughter crying with a vibrator in her hands.
Father: what are you doing?
Daughter: Let's face it... I am 46 years old, fat, without any friends and it seems I can't do any better than this...
Next day daughter comes home and sees her father on couch with beer in one hand and the vibrator in other...
Daughter: what are you doing???
Dad: Drinking beer with my son–in–law

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3et19x/father_comes_home/
%
Pepsi?

Pep*no*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3esygo/pepsi/
%
Three men get stranded on an island...

A black man, a white man, and an Asian man. The natives say that they will row them off the island if all of there flasid penis lenths add up to 10in. First the black man walks up and measured out to 5in. The white man walks up and reads 4 inches. The Asian man walks up and reads 1 inch.
The natives keeping their word put all 3 of them in a boat and shipped them to the nearest civilization.
On the ride home the asian whispered "I can't believe they didn't notice my erection!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3est52/three_men_get_stranded_on_an_island/
%
What does the fat cow give you?

Teacher: "Kids,what does the little chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the squealy pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3est04/what_does_the_fat_cow_give_you/
%
What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3esr2e/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
Grandmas don't know everything.........

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse , darling.
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse . It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3esqja/grandmas_dont_know_everything/
%
What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and Usain Bolt?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3espx8/whats_the_difference_between_adolf_hitler_and/
%
When the bridegroom...

...removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
SMALLcox?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3esn1d/when_the_bridegroom/
%
How can you tell if someone is an entrepreneur?

Don't worry, they'll tell you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3esfv0/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_an_entrepreneur/
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Camouflage training

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eseht/camouflage_training/
%
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3esb4k/why_are_redneck_murders_so_hard_to_solve/
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Did you see that clown that was hiding from gay people?

(After or at a location with lots of people)
You: Did you guys see that clown that was hiding from gay people?
Unsuspecting friend: No.
Everyone else: Ha!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3es8j5/did_you_see_that_clown_that_was_hiding_from_gay/
%
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol.

Police think it might be race related.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3es554/today_someone_was_killed_with_a_starter_pistol/
%
What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, pick any cod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3es0cs/what_did_the_fisherman_say_to_the_magician/
%
I used to go to communism classes.

I never really got good Marx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3erxyt/i_used_to_go_to_communism_classes/
%
A woman is on trial

For beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says,'First offender?'
She says, 'No, first a Gibson!
Then a Fender!'''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3erxrg/a_woman_is_on_trial/
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What's 16 centimetres long and makes every girl happy?

A €500 bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3erw5k/whats_16_centimetres_long_and_makes_every_girl/
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What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3erriv/whats_the_difference_between_hungry_and_horny/
%
Excited About Marriage

Jacob, age 79, and Rebecca, age 76, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ern4h/excited_about_marriage/
%
A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs

The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**
A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*
The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.
*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ermoa/a_couple_of_guys_at_the_start_of_a_bridge_with/
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I saw myself naked in the mirror.

And now my hand isn't in the mood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3erh2l/i_saw_myself_naked_in_the_mirror/
%
I bought a push up bra today...

It didn't work, I can still only do 2...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3erc91/i_bought_a_push_up_bra_today/
%
What is the most searched word on Bing?

Google.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3erai9/what_is_the_most_searched_word_on_bing/
%
double midget jokes god save me

When to know to kick a midget's balls?
Ans - When he's next to your girlfriend and he says "Her hair smells nice."
What do you call a midget vampire?
Ans - Cocksucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3er6eg/double_midget_jokes_god_save_me/
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The logician

First off i wanna say that english is not my first language, also i'm on my phone. I'm not even sure logician is the right way to say it, but you should be able to understand whats going on!
So a man was on his way home from a work trip. He was traveling by train, and it took a few hours.
After a while he got bored and tried to start small talking with the guy next to him.
The guy told him he was a logician, wondering what that was he asked:
"What do you do then?"
"I'll give you an example," the logician answered. "Do you have an aquarium?"
"Umm... yeah?"
"Well, then you probably have a fish too?"
"That's correct." he said
"Since you have a fish i'm gonna guess you like animals too?"
"Well, i guess, animals are often nice to be around."
"Well since you like to be around animals, maybe you like to be around people to?"
He nodded, as he prefer to be with others than being alone.
"Maybe you like ladies then too?"
He sertanly did! He was pretty amazed over how this worked, and though he better try this himself.
The next day when he went to work his boss asked him how the trip was.
"Well the trip wasn't all that intresting, but on my way home i met a logician, and he was pretty amazing!"
"What's a logician?" The boss asked.
"I'll give you an example. Do you have an aqarium?"
"No?" The boss answered confused
"Then... Are you gay?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3er60l/the_logician/
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If you are what you eat

Then that explains why I'm such an asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3er4tq/if_you_are_what_you_eat/
%
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3er38a/whilst_in_america_my_son_and_i_went_shopping_in/
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I had sex with a girl in an apple orchard,

I came in cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eqvv7/i_had_sex_with_a_girl_in_an_apple_orchard/
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A Spaniard, an Irish man, and a Greek go into a brothel. Who pays?

Germany

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eqtnp/a_spaniard_an_irish_man_and_a_greek_go_into_a/
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Why am I subscribed to r/History

I just realized there never anything new there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eqqxg/why_am_i_subscribed_to_rhistory/
%
Why didn't Thor like the party?

It was too Loki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eqqwk/why_didnt_thor_like_the_party/
%
Today I popped a G string while fingering a minor.

I'm going to the violin repair shop tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eqn48/today_i_popped_a_g_string_while_fingering_a_minor/
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Im getting tired of the book "Life of Pi."

It never ends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eqjxl/im_getting_tired_of_the_book_life_of_pi/
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What do you call a fight between an Illegal Immigrant and a Pedophile?

Alien vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eqioa/what_do_you_call_a_fight_between_an_illegal/
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I Have a serious drinking problem.

I dont have a drink in my hand!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eqh43/i_have_a_serious_drinking_problem/
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Two guys were out fishing...

Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"
To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eqcx3/two_guys_were_out_fishing/
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A man calls in sick...

"It's my eyes," he says.
"What's wrong with them?" his boss asks.
"I just can't see myself coming to work today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eq8p9/a_man_calls_in_sick/
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The Greek Prime Minister visits the Spanish Prime Minister.

The Spanish PM invites the Greek PM to his house.
"Wow! This is magnificent! How can you afford this amazing household when your country is in so much debt?? I see you've even added on so much to it!" says the Greek PM.
"Look out that window. Do you see that bridge? I had a 10 million euro budget to build a four lane, two way bridge. Instead, I built a one lane bridge with traffic lights on either end, for half as much" responded the Spanish PM.
"And the other 5 million?" asked the Greek PM.
The Spanish PM gestured to the add ons to his house.
The next week, the Spanish PM was invited to the Greek PM's house.
"This....this is amazing....how can you afford such a gorgeous mansion with so much debt in Greece??" asked the Spanish PM.
"Look out te window. Do you see that bridge?" asked the Greek PM.
"No." Said the Spanish PM.
The Greek PM just smiled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eq7cp/the_greek_prime_minister_visits_the_spanish_prime/
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Last night in bed,

my wife said we should try some role reversal. So I told her, I had a headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eq6l2/last_night_in_bed/
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Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?

He was sick of all its shiitake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eq3ny/why_did_the_japanese_guy_get_mad_and_kick_the/
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Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?

Because he was Haydn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eq36c/why_couldnt_mozart_find_his_teacher/
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A man and his wife are taking golf lessons together...

The instructor tells the man, "step up and swing, let's see what you've got." The man steps up and swings, driving the ball around 80 yards. The instructor says "that's not bad, good form, but your grip is too tight. Imagine holding the club as if you were holding your wife's breasts, firm but soft." The man steps up for a second swing, this time driving the ball about 150 yards. "Good job! Now you try mam." The mans wife steps up and swings, driving the ball about 50 yards. The instructor says "that's good, but you have the same problem as your husband. This time, imagine holding the club as if you were holding your husbands penis, firm but soft." The woman steps up and takes a swing, driving the ball about 15 yards.
The instructor replies "Well, that was good, but this time try taking the club out of your mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eq102/a_man_and_his_wife_are_taking_golf_lessons/
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A man is sitting next to a woman...

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?”
“I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”
The woman smiled, “Pepper.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3epzql/a_man_is_sitting_next_to_a_woman/
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Masturbating into condoms...

Jack is dating this girl Paula. He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex.
After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It's a 12-pack, but there are only five left in there.
"What happened to the rest of them?" she asks accusingly.
"Well... I masturbated into them," he says.
She accepts the answer, but she's curious. When she's with a few guy friends two days later, Paula asks them about it.
"Do you guys ever do that?" she asks.
"Sure, all the time," her friend says.
"Really, you masturbate into condoms?" she responds.
"Oh, no! I thought you were asking if I ever lie to my girlfriend!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3epzn3/masturbating_into_condoms/
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Everything is made in China

Except babies. They're made in va-chinas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3epycc/everything_is_made_in_china/
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I have such bad luck getting a girl to come over...

I watched the video from "The Ring" and the creepy chick called seven days later and said something came up and she couldn't make it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3epy7w/i_have_such_bad_luck_getting_a_girl_to_come_over/
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After being made bishop, a man is asked what his next move will be.

Diagonal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3epuqo/after_being_made_bishop_a_man_is_asked_what_his/
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I just join reddit and suddenly discover that my name is on the front page!

Final Final Edit: Titty sprinkles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eppgi/i_just_join_reddit_and_suddenly_discover_that_my/
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Grammar joke

I told my girlfriend "sweetie, I want you beside me, in front of me,behind me, on top of me, under me, and to the left and right of me" she said "Honey, are you prepositioning me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3epm5p/grammar_joke/
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Blonde jokes.

So a blonde walks into a department store, looks around and walks up to the counter. The clerk says "How may i help you."
The woman points behind the man and says "I'd like to buy that television." The clerk responds "Sorry, we dont sell T.V's to blondes." The woman storms out of the store.
The next day the woman comes back, marches right up to the counter and points to the item behind the man and proclaims. "Sir, i would like to buy that television." The clerk says "I told you yesterday ma'am we don't sell TV's to blondes." The woman marches out Furiously.
The woman comes back the next day wearing a new dress with a red colored wig. She quickly walks over to the counter and addresses the clerk. "Excuse me sir, I would like to purchase that Television." The clerk responds "Listen lady I've already told you, we don't sell TV's to blondes." The woman, frantically asks "How did you know it was me!?" To which the clerk says "Because that's not a TV, Its a microwave."
A redhead a Brunette and a Blonde are all trapped on a island 4 miles away from shore. One day they all decide to make a swim for it.
The Red Head, with all her courage swims 1 mile and sadly drowns.
The Brunette gathers all her might, swims 2 miles and sadly drowns.
The Blonde swims 3 miles, gets tired and swims back to the island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3epjt4/blonde_jokes/
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My daughter demanded she be treated like a princess...

so I married her off to secure an alliance with the French.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ephom/my_daughter_demanded_she_be_treated_like_a/
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Irish chili

How many beans do you put in Irish chili?  Two hundred and thirty-nine.
Why? Because one more would be two-farty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eph4g/irish_chili/
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The three modes of communication

Telephone,
Telegraph and
Tell a woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3epg5m/the_three_modes_of_communication/
%
A clown late for the circus.

There's a big circus show going on in Dallas, Texas one evening. One of the clowns, however, is running late to the show. He quickly puts on his clown uniform, and jumps into his car. He floors the gas, traveling down the highway at breakneck speed hoping to get to the show in time.
Unfortunately for the clown, a cop was waiting on a stretch of road. The clown flies by the cop, who promptly sounds the sirens. The cop eventually catches up and pulls the clown over.
The cop gets out of the patrol car, walks up the the clown's car, and sees the clown in the driver's seat.
"Huh, lookee here. I pulled over a clown car. Where's the rest of them?" said the cop
"They're already at the circus. I'm running late. If I don't hurry, I won't make it to the show." said the clown
"Well, I'll tell you what.. " said the cop, as he walks away.
The cop walks back to his patrol car, opens the trunk, and takes out five emergency flares. He walks back the the clown's car.
"If you can juggle these here flares, I won't write you a ticket." said the cop.
"Is that all? That'll be easy" said the clown.
The clown gets out of his car, lights the flares, and begins juggling them with no problems.
All of the sudden, a big, red truck comes flying past. The truck serves off the road to an abrupt stop. The driver's door opens, and a redneck shambles out, looking clearly drunk. He stumbles his way over to the patrol car, opens the back door, and gets in.
The cop runs to his patrol car, opens the back door, and throws the redneck out to the ground.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?! You can't get in my car like that!" said the cop
The redneck picks himself up off the ground and says "Shit, officer. I'm turning myself in. There's no way in hell I can pass that drunk test."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3epch1/a_clown_late_for_the_circus/
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Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3epbhl/why_do_cows_have_bells/
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Why are rich people so concerned with etiquette?

Because they have a lot of manors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3epali/why_are_rich_people_so_concerned_with_etiquette/
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What do you call someone who strictly prefers white rice over brown rice?

A goddamn riceist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ep8z6/what_do_you_call_someone_who_strictly_prefers/
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When does one plus one equal three?

When you forget to wear a condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ep6ho/when_does_one_plus_one_equal_three/
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A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls because it was something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because", she replied, "I really miss mine"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ep4gr/a_man_was_lying_in_bed_with_his_new_girlfriend/
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Job Interview

I was at a job interview today, and my employer gave me a laptop and asked me to sell it to him. I then walked out the door with the laptop under my arm.
A few hours later, he called me at home and demanded that I give it back to him, to which I replied; "200 Bucks and it's yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ep3gc/job_interview/
%
"If my country starts to veer towards communism"...

"Then Soviet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ep13b/if_my_country_starts_to_veer_towards_communism/
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My Friend Failed Astronomy...

I failed too, if it's any constellation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ep0ls/my_friend_failed_astronomy/
%
I was on my way home from work, and saw my midget neighbor waiting for the bus...

I said "hop in, i'll give you a lift!"
He gave me the finger and told me to fuck off.
So I just zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eox8a/i_was_on_my_way_home_from_work_and_saw_my_midget/
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I think my children are spoiled

I must have left them unrefrigerated for too long before eating them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eou8i/i_think_my_children_are_spoiled/
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Army Hospital

THE ARMY HOSPITAL
PreviousNext
An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eotkv/army_hospital/
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What do you call laughing mayonnaise?

lmayo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eot58/what_do_you_call_laughing_mayonnaise/
%
A young girl goes into a pet store.

A young girl goes into a pet store and is looking at the bunny cages when the owner comes up to her.
"So there, what sort of bunny do you want? The wittle white bunny or the wittle brown bunny"
to which she replied, "I don't really think my python gives a shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eoqnf/a_young_girl_goes_into_a_pet_store/
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How many feminists you need to change a lamp?

"That's not funny..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eoq6w/how_many_feminists_you_need_to_change_a_lamp/
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All these what?

Whenever a Jamaican women talks about "all these terrible shootings"
I'm never sure if they mean gun violence, or footwear accessories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eonn9/all_these_what/
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What's the difference between rock and jazz?

Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eof8t/whats_the_difference_between_rock_and_jazz/
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Three blind elephants examine a human being

Three blind elephants came upon a human being for the first time.  They gathered close and felt the strange creature with their snouts.
The first blind elephant said, "A human being is thin and stands on its hind legs."
The second said, "A human being is flat and mushy."
The third said, "Yeah, my bad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eoch0/three_blind_elephants_examine_a_human_being/
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After a long tough battle I have just one testicle left.

Should'a got a prenup :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eobb1/after_a_long_tough_battle_i_have_just_one/
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RIP boiled water.

You will be mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eoao9/rip_boiled_water/
%
What's the difference between herpes and friends?

I don't have any friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eo8y8/whats_the_difference_between_herpes_and_friends/
%
After the man was named bishop by the church, what was his next move?

Diagonal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eo45r/after_the_man_was_named_bishop_by_the_church_what/
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What's a neckbeard's favourite country?

M'laysia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eo2r3/whats_a_neckbeards_favourite_country/
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Two whales walk into a bar...

The first whale says oooOOOOoOooOOoOoooOOOOoOoOOOooooOo
The second whale says: "Karl you're drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eo0tz/two_whales_walk_into_a_bar/
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Slippers and friends

A man tells his son to go get his slippers from his daughter's room. When the son enters the room he sees two smoking hot girls in his sister's room.
"My dad told me to f*ck both of you" - says the son
The sister gets mad and proposes to ask the father if that's really the case. The boy agrees and shouts:
"Dad which one?"
"Both of them, you retard" - shouts back the father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eo0l6/slippers_and_friends/
%
What's orange and sounds like a parrot

A carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eo0jk/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
A kid goes back from school and sings in the bus:

Kid: If I my dad was a horse, I would be a little ponny,
If my mom was a mare I would be a little ponny.
Already frustrated bus driver asked him then:
What would you be if your mother was a whore and your father a fag?
Kid: probably a bus driver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eo0an/a_kid_goes_back_from_school_and_sings_in_the_bus/
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How does Moses make tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3enzef/how_does_moses_make_tea/
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What's the best thing about a hooker dying on you?

Second hour is free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3enwti/whats_the_best_thing_about_a_hooker_dying_on_you/
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What does a West Virginia woman say after sex?

Git off me Pa, you're squishing my smokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3env18/what_does_a_west_virginia_woman_say_after_sex/
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The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards.

The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so.
The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye.
The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off a hundred foot platform. The agent turns to the president and, with teary eyes, pleads:"Mister president, please don't do this, I have a family!"
The president hesitates and retracts his order. The chinese minister snorts and orders the same to his body guard.The chinese bodyguard starts climbing without a second thought. The president grabs his arm and says, "Wait man, this is too much! You don't have to do this!"
The chinese bodygaurd shakes off his arm and says:"Mister president, please don't, I have family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3enuwp/the_president_of_the_united_states_and_the_prime/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3enrww/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
Have you guys ever tried Somali food ?

Neither have they

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3enop5/have_you_guys_ever_tried_somali_food/
%
A zoophiliac, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sitting together in a prison cell...

The zoophiliac looks around himself and muses:
"Damn, I wish there was a cat around here... ya know, we could... fuck the cat."
His inmates nod in agreement. The murderer then says:
"Or we could fuck it, and then kill it!"
The necrophiliac turns to the others and, grinning, says:
"How about: we fuck the cat, we kill it, and then we fuck it again!"
They all cheer, and the pyromaniac adds:
"Even better: we can fuck the cat, then kill it, fuck it again, and then BURN it!"
Curious, the group turns to the masochist who was still silent. The pyromaniac, who was the last to speak, asks:
"So, what about you? What else do you think we could do to the cat?"
Instead of a reply, the masochist looks them all dead in the eyes and says "meow".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3enofx/a_zoophiliac_a_murderer_a_necrophiliac_a/
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I've only seen ‪Magic Mike‬, can I see ‪Magic Mike XXL...

...or do I need to see the other 28 in between first?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3enmhy/ive_only_seen_magic_mike_can_i_see_magic_mike_xxl/
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Remember that AMA guy whose mother slept with him because he had broken his arms?

She was adding incest to injury.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3endgn/remember_that_ama_guy_whose_mother_slept_with_him/
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How do you make a nun pregnant? NSFW

Dress her up as an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3encgd/how_do_you_make_a_nun_pregnant_nsfw/
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I accidentally dropped my girlfriends epilepsy medication in the washing machine...

...now her clothes don't fit anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3encex/i_accidentally_dropped_my_girlfriends_epilepsy/
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What do you get when a basketball player gets a lung infection?

LeBronchitis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3enay2/what_do_you_get_when_a_basketball_player_gets_a/
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A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean.

A lifeguard swims past and asks the priest: "Do you need help?"
Priest replies: "Don't worry. God will save me."
A few minutes go by and another life guard swims past. He says: "Here, grab my hand I can help you get back to shore"
Priest replies: "Never fear, God will save me."
A few more minutes go past and the Priest is really struggling. A fishing boat comes along and they ask: "Do you need help? Climb aboard we can help you."
Again the priest replies: "I have faith, God will save me."
&nbsp;
Priest drowns and goes to heaven. He meets God and asks "Why God? I have been a devout Catholic why did you not save me?!"  God replies "What are you talking about I sent you two lifeguards and a boat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3enapz/a_catholic_priest_is_drowning_in_the_ocean/
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Yesterday I moved to Germany and my new German flatmate told me that he only knows one joke...

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Because they are very efficient...
And they don't understand jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3en9wl/yesterday_i_moved_to_germany_and_my_new_german/
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Why did the personal trainer break up with his girlfriend?

She just wasn't working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3en8h3/why_did_the_personal_trainer_break_up_with_his/
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Where do fish keep their money?

In riverbanks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3en7rd/where_do_fish_keep_their_money/
%
Four guys walk into the bar. One goes into the bathroom.

Four guys walk into a bar.
One says, "excuse me boys, i have to go take a shit. Go ahead and get some drinks. I'll catch up."
The first guy starts to talk up his son.  "He's doing so well for himself.  He's a realtor for high end housing.  Mansions you wouldn't believe ever existed. He's made so much money that he bought some slut her own magnificent Mansion."
Second guy begins to boast on his son as well, "my son is doing so well...he sells those fancy Ferrari cars. And he is so good that he is able to buy a girl with the top of the line Ferrari."
Third guy starts in with his bragging rights on his son and says, "well my son engineers, builds and sells custom Lear jets. He does really well and was able to provide his own fiancé  with a luxurious custom jet. "
Finally the fourth man returns from the restroom and asks, "what are we talking about?"
One of the men says, "we're bragging about our sons. So tell us how well your son is doing."
The fourth man retorts, "well my son is a homosexual..."
A round of apologies came from all the gentlemen.
The fourth man said, "oh no, it's OK. He's doing pretty well though. He has a magnificent Mansion, a top of the line Ferrari and luxurious customized jet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3en3o1/four_guys_walk_into_the_bar_one_goes_into_the/
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How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3en1gd/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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What does eighty year old pussy taste like?

Depends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3emzgb/what_does_eighty_year_old_pussy_taste_like/
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This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the vegetarian club.

I was confused. I never met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3emx3k/this_girl_came_up_to_me_today_and_said_she/
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What did Eminem learn to defend himself?

Marshall arts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3emvgf/what_did_eminem_learn_to_defend_himself/
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What did one pedophile say to the other?

I'll give you two fives for a ten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3emu05/what_did_one_pedophile_say_to_the_other/
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The Hypnotist

A hypnotist was performing when he had a group of six men all under his control. When he said 'stand", they stood. When he said "bark like a dog", they barked. He then dropped the microphone and said "fuck me". What happened next was horrific.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3emrxh/the_hypnotist/
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True Story of Joke Told at Ft Benning, GA

In class 92-1 of Infantry Officer Basic course we were in a large lecture hall in building 4 at Ft. Benning, GA.  Desert Storm had just finished less than a year previously and we were one of the first classes of new infantry officers to get a look at all the cool intelligence from Iraq.  We were there for an ultra-serious national security lecture.
There were at least 200 young officers listening to Colonels and Generals discuss various Geo-Political issues.   Questions from the audience were taken, as we listened intently about Saddam Hussein's suppression of the Kurds, or what King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia thought.   "What would happen if..." were the types of questions being asked.
In front of all these senior officers, one of my fellow young officers raises his hand and stands to ask his question completely straight-faced, "If Turkey attacked Iraq in the rear, would Greece help?"
There was near pandemonium for 5 solid minutes as the General tried to compose himself.  I still remember the joke tellers name, "C" but since this is a public forum, I'll keep it back.  I have never heard any crowd of people ever laugh so hard before or since.  Had to pay homage to the single best delivered joke I've ever heard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3emqip/true_story_of_joke_told_at_ft_benning_ga/
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Old Arabian Guy in New Work

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.  He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.  His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.  He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."  The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"  At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.  A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3empln/old_arabian_guy_in_new_work/
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Ol' McGregor's sitting at a pub in Ireland...

A young boy walks in and grabs the stool next to him.
McGregor says, " You know lad, 50 years ago I built this bar top. I carried every piece of lumber in on me back, sanded em, an put em in place. My blood, sweat, and tears went into building this bar, and it still stands as strong as it ever did. But, do they call me, 'McGregor the bar builder'?! No!"
He went on, " Look out the window lad. 40 years ago I built that stone wall out there by the beach. I carried every stone in on me back, polished em up, and put em in place. My blood, sweat, and tears went into building that wall, and it still stands as strong as the day I built it. But, do they call me, ' McGregor the wall builder' ?! No!"
He continued, " Now ya see that pier out in the water? 20 years ago I built that pier. I carried every piece of wood on me back, cut em to size, and put em in place. My blood, sweat, and tears went into building that pier and it still stands as strong as it ever did! But, do they call me, ' McGregor the pier builder' ?! NO!"
McGregor looks around the room a bit and leans to the lad and says, " But ya fuck ONE goat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3emjfp/ol_mcgregors_sitting_at_a_pub_in_ireland/
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What do you call a chameleon that doesn't change color?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3emj4n/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_that_doesnt_change/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill...?

Walking... Jk Rowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3emj1n/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
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So I met this girl at a party. Kate.

She's really awesome and about as gorgeous as they come. Anyway, we went out a couple times and really hit it off and I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend about a month later... Then just a couple weeks ago this other girl, Edith, started working at the hospital in the same department as me and had been showing quite a bit of interest. She's just as awesome and attractive as Kate but she has a little more of a bad girl streak in her (which is my kryptonite) so I couldn't make up my mind of who I wanted. So I decided to go out with Edith to see it out and not tell Kate that I was going to do this. Eventually Kate found out about Edith and stopped talking to me completely..which is understandable. But then Edith got mad that I was seeing her while I already had a girlfriend and now SHE'S not talking to me. So now I have no one....I guess the moral of the story is: You can't have your Kate and Edith too..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3emixc/so_i_met_this_girl_at_a_party_kate/
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What did the astronaut say to the other when he pressed the wrong button?

I apollo-gize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3emgwi/what_did_the_astronaut_say_to_the_other_when_he/
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What's the difference between a chair and an asshole?

You are not a chair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3emgbi/whats_the_difference_between_a_chair_and_an/
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Poor family had a duck....

There was this poor family, all they had was a duck. The mom told the son to go sell the duck. While the boy walks into to town, a girl stops him and asks if he would take a fuck for the duck. Well being a boy, he said yes. Well after they were done the girl playing said I will give the duck back for another fuck. Well of they go! While this is going on, the poor duck crosses the road and gets ran over. The girl feeling sorry for him gave him 2 dollars. When he came home mom asks what did he get for the duck? I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 2 bucks for a fucked up duck!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3embay/poor_family_had_a_duck/
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Just got back from bowling...

But I'll spare you the details.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3em8gy/just_got_back_from_bowling/
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I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white.

Surely we don't need that many guards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3em52y/i_was_shocked_to_find_out_that_35_of_americas/
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I ran over a kid in a John Cena shirt

but in my defense, i couldn't see him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3em4t6/i_ran_over_a_kid_in_a_john_cena_shirt/
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A pirate walks into a bar.

He has a giant ship's steering wheel shoved down the seat of his pants. How walks up to the bar and sits down on a stool, but the wheel gets in the way. After about ten minutes of awkwardly adjusting himself, he gets on. Being a pirate he orders a glass of rum. As he goes to take a drink, his hand hits the wheel and the drink falls to the ground, breaking the glass and wasting the rum.
"Sorry about spilling me drink, I'll pay the cost o' that glass." He says to the bartender.
"Oh don't worry, I got it." the bartender says. "If you don't mind me asking, why do you have a  steering wheel down your pants? Doesn't it bother you?"
The pirate replies "Aye, it's driving me nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3em2zg/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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An English guys digs the ground 100 feet...

and finds telephone wires, he says this proves that we had telephone 100 years ago. An American guy digs 200 feet and finds telephone wires, he says this proves we had telephone 200 years ago. A Turkish guy, digs the ground 2000 feet and finds nothing, he says this proves that we had cell phones 2000 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3em14o/an_english_guys_digs_the_ground_100_feet/
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A woman walks into a sex shop

She says to the employee, "I can't have an orgasm, what can you give me?"
He says, " We have this new product, called the magic dildo. All you have to do is say magic dildo and where you want it to go."
"Ok, magic dildo, my pussy," she says.
The magic dildo goes to her pussy, and she has the most amazing orgasm of her life.
"I'll take it." She says.
On the way home she uses the magic dildo again.
"Magic dildo, my pussy."
She is having such a great orgasm that she is unable to control the car. She's driving all over the road. Then, a policeman sees her and pulls her over.
He says, "What's going on here? You're all over the road."
"I just got this magic dildo, and I was having such an amazing orgasm that I lost control of the car." She explains.
The policeman replies, "Magic dildo my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3em05q/a_woman_walks_into_a_sex_shop/
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What do you call a dwarf fortune teller who escaped from jail?

Small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3elx5w/what_do_you_call_a_dwarf_fortune_teller_who/
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A company develops a machine for evaluating IQ.

The scientists developing it asks for the help of the supervisor, manager and president of the firm to test the machine.
When the supervisor places his head on the machine, it responded: 'IQ 160', and he was very impressed.
When the manager places his head on the machine, it responded: 'IQ 170', and he was very impressed.
When the president placed his head on the machine, it hummed for a bit and responded: 'this is a very sensitive machine, please do not use rocks as test subjects', and the president is furious.
After hurried improvement, the scientists ask the three to try again. This time the machine gave the manager an IQ of 165, the supervisor an IQ of 170 and both were very happy, saying it was more accurate.
After the president places his head on the machine, it hummed for a bit and responded: 'this is a very hot rock', and the president was furious, threatening to fire the scientists.
After a third improvement phase, the scientists assured everyone that the machine was perfect. This time, the supervisor was given an IQ of 170, and the supervisor and IQ of 175. Both praised the machine stating that it was perfect and urged the president to try again.
Having learned from his past mistakes, this time the president decides to place the rock onto the machine first. After some humming, the machine responded: 'Welcome Mr president!'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3elvip/a_company_develops_a_machine_for_evaluating_iq/
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Original Jokes.

A man is speeding down the beach road in Nags Head, NC when a seagull smashes into his windshield. He gets it stuck in the wiper blades trying to get it off, and eventually a cop comes up behind him and hits the cherries and berries. At that moment the seagull flips off the guy's car and smashes into the cop's windshield. The guy and the cop pull over and the cop writes him two tickets, one for speeding and one for flipping the bird.
A woman is pumping gas, and she accidentally squeezes the handle while pulling the nozzle out, spraying all over her arm. While pretty pissed, she gets in her car and not thinking, lights a cigarette. The gas catches fire, and she freaks and runs out of her car and puts her arm out. The gas station clerk had called 911, and while the woman was being checked by paramedics, a police officer told her she was under arrest for the illegal use of a firearm.
A group of kids sits on an overpass and smashes car windshields with a cinderblock tied to a chain. One day the leader of the group gets ballsy and tries with a tractor-trailer. The cinderblock gets stuck on the hitch and tears the kid's arm off. After calling 911, the kid was rushed to the ER and was placed under arrest for his actions, and when they found the truck driver, he was arrested for armed robbery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3elvaw/original_jokes/
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What did the Mexican fireman name his children?

Jose and Hose B

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3elttb/what_did_the_mexican_fireman_name_his_children/
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Girls are like Blackjack..

I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3elt44/girls_are_like_blackjack/
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A penguin's car breaks down

He pulls over to a shop owned by a walrus who tells him he'll look at it. The Penguin takes a stroll and buys a vanilla treat.
The Penguin gets back and the Walrus say
"Looks like you've blown a seal"
The Penguin  wipes his chin and says..
"No, No, it's just ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3els5t/a_penguins_car_breaks_down/
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Lawyers' Ethical Dilemma

When a client gives you two hundred dollar bills stuck together from the bank machine to pay a $100 bill, do you tell your law partner?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3elpvr/lawyers_ethical_dilemma/
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Have you ever wondered why, during a crisis, they let women and children go first?

It's so the men can have some peace and quiet while they think about what to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ell5l/have_you_ever_wondered_why_during_a_crisis_they/
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A bear climbs a tree....

a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"
the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."
the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree.  there are no apples up here."
the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3elkjr/a_bear_climbs_a_tree/
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A collection of OC jokes!

Well I hope they're funny, anyway. The past few months I've been writing down anything that seems vaguely amusing to me. I imagine that some of them might be already-existing jokes without knowing it, but I hope you enjoy!
* I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down. In hindsight, I think it was a mist opportunity.
* What vegetable likes to wait around in lines? Queuecumbers
* What's a pensioner's favourite genre of music? Hip-op
* I decided to drink something from a scientist's test tube. It tasted vial.
* Why did the artist visit the bank? To draw some money.
* What's the best thing about walking through a friendly forest? All the pleasantrees
* I was going to make a joke about alcoholism, but I decided against it because I thought it'd be a bit too whiskey.
* how do you greet the world's cleanest woman? "Hi, Jean".
* I got kicked out of the wig shop because I didn't want toupee.
* I bought an album called "Sounds of the Railway", but I didn't like any of the tracks
* I tried to get into the Guinness Book of Records by smashing up music albums. I broke a lot of records.
* Why were there clouds at the theatre production? Because it had been over cast.
* I used to have a job testing the durability of trainers. You might think that sounds easy, but it was sole-destroying work...
* Did you hear about the fellow who went insane trying to clear his sinuses? He ended up in a menthol hospital
* I used to be obsessed with going to the bank. I'm trying to stop but I have withdrawal symptoms...
* Why did the eagle go to church? Because it's a bird of pray.
* Where do fish go to earn a degree? Tunaversity.
* Someone suggested I should grow my hair down the back of my head. I wasn't keen on the idea, but I told them I'd mullet over.
* I watched a movie documentary about the history of tea exports, it was rated PG tips.
* Who stands outside the toddler nightclub? Baby bouncers.
* I have a very special type of dog - it was cross-bred with a vegetable. It's a border cauliflower
* What happened to the last aftershave in the cupboard? It felt colognely
* What do you inject into a suit to make it look bigger? Bowtux.
Bonus jokes that I didn't think were very good but decided to include anyway!!!!
* I had a dinner cooked by Dr. Who. It tasted dalektable (like... delectable)
* What do you call a sour supervisor? A lime manager.
* What food keeps you warm on a cold day? Fajitas... (like uh, fa-heaters...)
* What's the funniest type of cereal? A muesli (like... amuse-li?)
* The Bow and Arrow is an excellent weapon, with one drawback.
* Gambling can be very dangerous, if roulette it take over your life.
* What do you call a boring, unoriginal piece of fruit? A banalna.
* What do you call a piece of fruit that doesn't really matter? Not applic-apple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3elhfi/a_collection_of_oc_jokes/
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What weighs more a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?

The answer is feathers.
200 pounds of bricks is just a bunch of bricks, but if you try to carry 200 pounds of feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3elfis/what_weighs_more_a_pound_of_bricks_or_a_pound_of/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

A woman can completely destroy one in minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3elcq0/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Life is like a penis

Soft and free flowing. It's the women that make it hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3el8e7/life_is_like_a_penis/
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Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend?

It was all yellow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3el6jp/did_you_hear_about_the_coldplay_concert_in_china/
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I met Greece's finance minister, who was looking for help regarding the situation there.

He asked me for my two cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3el23l/i_met_greeces_finance_minister_who_was_looking/
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I asked a beautiful Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex sex sex free sex tonight". I said, "Wow".
Then her friend speaks: "She means 6663629".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3el0te/i_asked_a_beautiful_chinese_girl_for_her_number/
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I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me...

He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ekyi3/i_told_my_boss_i_needed_a_raise_to_stay_at_work/
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Red, White and Blue represent freedom

until you see them flashing behind your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ekxf1/red_white_and_blue_represent_freedom/
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Have you ever noticed the lack of trigger discipline cops have in movies?

It's so realistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ektd4/have_you_ever_noticed_the_lack_of_trigger/
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There were three construction workers...

...a Mexican, a British man, and a Blonde. Everyday they ate their lunch breaks together, and everyday they each had the same lunch as the day before. The Mexican always had two tacos, the British man always had a fish sandwich, and the blonde man always had a PB&J. One day, they all were having a bad day and the Mexican snapped saying "If I get tacos again for lunch, I'm going to kill myself!" The British man said, "If I get another fish sandwich for lunch, I'm going to kill myself too!" The blonde then said the same thing about getting a PB&J. The next day, all three construction workers were found dead at the construction site.  After a few days there was a viewing for the three as they were good friends. The Mexicans wife stepped up and said, "If only I had known he didn't want tacos, I would have made him burritos." The British man's wife stepped up and said, "If I would have know he didn't want a fish sandwich, I would have made him a chicken sandwich." Then everyone turned to the blonde's wife, who happened to also be blonde and thought to themselves "Oh God..." The blonde's wife stepped up and said, "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eknpa/there_were_three_construction_workers/
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Odds.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he went through his tables.
"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ekm5c/odds/
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Blind Pilot

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ekjle/blind_pilot/
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A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division...

He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate.  He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm  very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
Next came an attorney. He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the  Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ekhve/a_businessman_was_interviewing_applicants_for_the/
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What does Julius Ceasar say after sex?

Veni.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ekhtg/what_does_julius_ceasar_say_after_sex/
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Germans are always so quick to fix your mistakes when you trying to speak German.

It’s as if the whole German nation is on Otto correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ekhhu/germans_are_always_so_quick_to_fix_your_mistakes/
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Why Is A Man's Mind Dirtier Than A Woman's?

A woman changes hers more often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ekdcg/why_is_a_mans_mind_dirtier_than_a_womans/
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Zoo

Two policeman on patrol see a man walking with a Gorilla. Of course, they stop to inquire. They ask, "So Buddy, what's up with the Gorilla?" The man replies, "I'm taking to the Zoo." Cops say "OK" be on your way. A day later the cops see the same man and gorilla....They stop. "Sir" the officer directs. "We saw you yesterday and thought you were taking him to the Zoo?" "I did", the man replies, "But today, I'm taking him to the movies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ekcf6/zoo/
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What's the difference between a BJ and reddit gold?

Your mom never gave me reddit gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ek7ta/whats_the_difference_between_a_bj_and_reddit_gold/
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First comes the wedding

And 5 months later comes the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ek6w8/first_comes_the_wedding/
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A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ek61i/a_man_tells_his_doctor_doc_help_me_im_addicted_to/
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What do you call a group of chickens dressed up like crows?

A murder most fowl.
(I'll see myself out...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ek4vk/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_chickens_dressed_up/
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A student walks up to his teacher...

-Student: "Miss, would you blame someone for something that they didn't do?"
-Teacher: "No of course not. I would never do that."
-Student: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ek2uy/a_student_walks_up_to_his_teacher/
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cop joke :P

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.  Man: No sir, I was going 65.  Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)  Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.  Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!  Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.  (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)  Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.  Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.  Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.  Man: Shut your mouth, woman!  Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?  Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ek1h5/cop_joke_p/
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A woman is on trial...

...for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks, "First offender?"
The lady replies, "No your honor. First a Gibson then a Fender."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejzkd/a_woman_is_on_trial/
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50 cent

is only a quarter of what he used to be.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejz0p/50_cent/
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A wife is like a hand grenade...

remove the ring and your house is gone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejxsh/a_wife_is_like_a_hand_grenade/
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Today may be the hottest day of the year

but all the other days have nicer personalities.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejulg/today_may_be_the_hottest_day_of_the_year/
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The Frustrated Prostitute.

There was this hard working prostitute who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart.
The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejsv7/the_frustrated_prostitute/
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Ruin a date in 5 words...

Does this smell like chloroform?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejscb/ruin_a_date_in_5_words/
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My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...

Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejqmd/my_daughters_boyfriend_still_doesnt_know_how_to/
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The Credible Hulk. "You won't like me when I'm angry

because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejq6z/the_credible_hulk_you_wont_like_me_when_im_angry/
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What does a German say when you finally explain a funny meme to him?

Danke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejo65/what_does_a_german_say_when_you_finally_explain_a/
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What's a man's definition of safe sex?

A: When his wife's out of town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejnyg/whats_a_mans_definition_of_safe_sex/
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Men at 26 plays football,

Men at 40 plays tennis,
Men at 60 plays golf,
have you noticed every time you get older
your ball gets smaller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejmwf/men_at_26_plays_football/
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I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:........

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejlpw/i_the_penis_hereby_request_a_raise_in_salary_for/
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I walked out of a club with a girl last night.

She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, "Yours or mine?"
I said, "That's mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejj19/i_walked_out_of_a_club_with_a_girl_last_night/
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the Blind Man and his Dog...!!!

This blind fella is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and you guessed it, right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers.
The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie treat which he starts to offer to the dog.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "None of my business, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just wizzed all down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of that habit", replies the blind man.
"Well, it's none of my business," retorts the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a treat!"
To which the blind fella chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejica/the_blind_man_and_his_dog/
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Why do Americans spell colour as color?

Because fuck U, that's why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejgt0/why_do_americans_spell_colour_as_color/
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If you mix taco bell sauce into your ramen..

It tastes exactly like poverty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejehc/if_you_mix_taco_bell_sauce_into_your_ramen/
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A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank together.

The brunette plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the blonde in great detail.  The robbery begins.  The brunette drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the blonde, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.  You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said the blonde.
The blonde goes into the bank while the brunette waits in the getaway car. Three minutes pass...  five minutes pass...  seven minutes pass...  and the brunette is really stressing out.  Finally, the bank doors burst open!  And here comes the blonde!  She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again and the security guard comes out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his gun.  As the gals are getting away, the brunette says, "You are such a bird brain!  I thought you understood the plan!"
The blonde said, "I did... I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said the brunette.  "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eje7w/a_blonde_and_a_brunette_decided_to_rob_a_bank/
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Two fish are sitting in a tank.

One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ejaz0/two_fish_are_sitting_in_a_tank/
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Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle...

Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over.
His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised.
They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police.
They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ej8ec/two_guys_were_roaring_down_the_road_on_a/
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Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff?

She was wearing mittens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ej7xe/why_didnt_helen_keller_scream_when_she_fell_off/
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What do you call a wandering cave man?

A meanderthal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ej6v4/what_do_you_call_a_wandering_cave_man/
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What kind of drink do English majors favour?....

Tequila mockingbird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ej0wy/what_kind_of_drink_do_english_majors_favour/
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with great power

comes great electricity bills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ej00l/with_great_power/
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Jose visits America.

Jose came to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience. "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eiof6/jose_visits_america/
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I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety.  So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees.  Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.
The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eimvx/i_always_wanted_to_tell_jokes/
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What is the only animal with an asshole on it's back?

A police horse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eigf3/what_is_the_only_animal_with_an_asshole_on_its/
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Something so sad.

A can of Coke getting crushed.
It is soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eiezb/something_so_sad/
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What's the best part of an ISIS joke?

The Execution.
Hehe...get it? No? Fine I'll be-heading off now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eibc4/whats_the_best_part_of_an_isis_joke/
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Planting potatoes in Chicago

So there's this old Pakistani man who lives alone in Chicago. One day he sends an e-mail to his son Ahmad :
"Dear son, I would love to plant some potatoes in the backyard but I'm old and lonely, I can't plow the land without your help.  With love, your father."
Later that night, Ahmad responds :
"Dear dad, for the love of God PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THE LAND !  I have buried "the thing" there. Your loving son, Ahmad."
That same night at 3 in the morning, 4 FBI agents broke into the father's house and investigated the backyard, inch by inch, without finding anything. They went away without being noticed.
Ahmad sent another email to his father : "Dear father, I am 100% positive that the land is now plowed. I couldn't have done it better myself. Ahmad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ei9c0/planting_potatoes_in_chicago/
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Having sex is like playing a game of bridge

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ei8y8/having_sex_is_like_playing_a_game_of_bridge/
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ei221/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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Cancer isn't so bad

It'll grow on you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ei1wz/cancer_isnt_so_bad/
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The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.
The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."
The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."
The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ei0sd/the_oldest_man_in_the_world_is_lying_on_his/
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What's the only thing worse than a third Bush as president?

A first Trump as president.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ei0ev/whats_the_only_thing_worse_than_a_third_bush_as/
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If threesome is sex with three people......

.....and a twosome sex with two people, I guess I know why I'm always called handsome.
(Btw, is this a repost? I hope to god not.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ehz7r/if_threesome_is_sex_with_three_people/
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God will save me.

A man is living in a house when a dam breaks and a violent flash flood happens and hits his whole neighborhood.  The water begins rising higher and higher every moment.  He's standing outside knee deep in water when some people on a canoe show up, they say to him "Hurry, get onto our canoe and we'll save you!"  The man shakes his head and says, "There is no need.  God will save me." The people in the canoe shrug off and continue paddling down the street.
The water gets higher, and the man has to retreat to his second floor balcony, some people in a sailboat pull up next to his house, and they say to him, "Hurry, get onto our boat and we'll save you!"  The man shakes his head and says, "There is no need.  God will save me."  The people in the boat shrug and sail away.
The water level rises so high, that the man has to climb onto the top of the roof, and waits, when a helicopter from the National Guard shows up.  They toss a rope ladder down to him and say "Hurry and climb aboard our helicopter, and we'll save you!" The man shakes his head and says, "There is no need.  God will save me."
The man dies in the flood.
He goes to heaven, and God is waiting for him there.  He goes up to God and says, "God, why didn't you save me?"  God replies, "I sent a canoe, a boat, and a helicopter.  What more did you want me to do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ehyfu/god_will_save_me/
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Can you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM!?

Luckily, I was up playing my drums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ehxsq/can_you_believe_that_my_neighbor_knocked_at_my/
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It only takes one drink to get me drunk

The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ehxin/it_only_takes_one_drink_to_get_me_drunk/
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What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ehw9o/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_swam_into_a_wall/
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Someone told me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ehugn/someone_told_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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How about some snappy one-liners?

Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eht16/how_about_some_snappy_oneliners/
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Why do black people have nightmares?

Because we killed the only one with a dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ehsse/why_do_black_people_have_nightmares/
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What do the post office and the San Francisco 49ers have in common?

They don't deliver on Sunday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ehqrf/what_do_the_post_office_and_the_san_francisco/
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I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ehpqq/i_know_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
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Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

Because they can't C#

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ehou1/why_do_java_programmers_wear_glasses/
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4 Mexicans In A Rowboat

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas.
The Captain gets on the megaphone and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory
taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter. The Captain finally catches his breath, gets back on the megaphone and asks,
" Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No senor, we are the last four. The other 21 million are already there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ehg3x/4_mexicans_in_a_rowboat/
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If H20 is on the inside of fire hydrants, what is on the outside?

K9P.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eheji/if_h20_is_on_the_inside_of_fire_hydrants_what_is/
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Why one's dick can be only 11 inches long?

Because if it's longer, it's called a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eh7mh/why_ones_dick_can_be_only_11_inches_long/
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Police arrested two kids yesterday

, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eh7kr/police_arrested_two_kids_yesterday/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eh5zs/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
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Malasian airlines

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eh5ze/malasian_airlines/
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School humor

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eh5fh/school_humor/
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Cutting Pizza - A blonde Joke

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eh55k/cutting_pizza_a_blonde_joke/
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its gonna be a long flight

A man sits next to a kid on a plane.
The man turns to the kid and says, "Let's talk."
The kid says, "sure, about what?"
The man, teasingly, says, "nuclear power."
The kid says, "sure, but first, let's talk deer, cows and horses. They all eat grass, but the deer drops pellets, the cow does patties, and the horse produces clumps. Do you know why?"
The man is stumped. "No", he says.
The kid replies, " do you really think we should talk about nuclear power when you don't know shit!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eh2au/its_gonna_be_a_long_flight/
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Pilot held without bail.

Judge concerned about the risk of flight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eh26y/pilot_held_without_bail/
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This is how good my dog is, LOL.

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
—Rodney Dangerfield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eh1ze/this_is_how_good_my_dog_is_lol/
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What do you get when a short bus gets in a wreck?

Mashed potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eh02n/what_do_you_get_when_a_short_bus_gets_in_a_wreck/
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I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant...

...but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3egw8r/i_thought_my_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife_from/
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A Woman on her Deathbed

An elderly woman is laying on her deathbed with her husband at her side.
"Honey", she says, "I want to show you something. Go in to the closet and take down the box from the top shelf."
So her husband goes and does as he is asked and opens the box to find two handmade dolls and five thousand dollars in cash.
"Dear, what is this?" he asks his wife.
She replies, "The day we were married, my grandmother sat me down and told me,'There are going to be times that the two of you fight, times that you'll be so sick of him you cannot even stand the sight of him. Whenever a time like that comes, sit down and make a doll to calm yourself down.'"
Her husband had tears in his eyes, after all these years of marriage, she was only ever mad at him twice, he could not believe how he had married such an amazing woman. Then he asked,"And what about the money?" She replied, "Oh, that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3egw6v/a_woman_on_her_deathbed/
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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite…

He said NaBrO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3egu5y/i_asked_the_guy_sitting_next_to_me_if_he_had_any/
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I set my password as 14 days. What did the computer say?

too weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3egtyb/i_set_my_password_as_14_days_what_did_the/
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How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Not 6, because it's still dark down there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3egtbl/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Jim walks into a bar with his arm in a sling.

He sits next to his friend Bill and orders two shots of whiskey.
Bill asks him, "How'd you break your arm, Jim?"
Jim downs a shot of whiskey and says, "Well, you see, about two years ago--"
Bill interrupts him, "Woah woah, two YEARS! You didn't break your arm two YEARS ago!"
Jim scowls. "You gonna let me tell the story, or not? Anyway..."
"About two years ago, I was driving down Rural 80. It was almost sunset but I was hours away from the city. My car runs out of gas outside a farm out in the middle of the fields.
I go knock on the door of the farmhouse, hoping they'll let me use the phone. A complete knockout of a lady answers the door, sexiest thing you ever saw. Said their phone's out of service, but I'm welcome to use the guest bedroom overnight and walk for gas in the morning.
She lives alone, and offers to make us both dinner. We eat, we talk, it's real pleasant. After dinner she walks over to me, leans in close and asks,
"Is there... *anything else* I can do for you?"
Well, dinner was good, and the dessert topped it off real nice, so I patted my stomach and told her I was fine, but thanks all the same.
We retire to the living room, and she offers me the big soft recliner. Pours us some scotch, we drink and laugh. It starts getting late, she walks over to me, stands behind the chair and rubs my shoulders. She asks,
"Is there... *anything else* I can do for you?"
Well the shoulder rub feels mighty nice, so I tell her I'm fine, but thanks all the same.
It's real late now and I gotta walk for gas in the morning. I retire to her guest room, settle in and get comfy. Right as I'm dozing off, the door creaks open. She's standing in the doorway wearing pajamas that're almost transparent. She flips her hair over her shoulder and asks,
"Is there... *anything else* I can do for you?"
It'd been a long day, I'm tired, I yawn and tell her I'm fine, but thanks all the same. In the morning I go get gas and drive on to the city."
Jim sits in silence, his story done. Bill, frustrated, asks Jim, "What in the hell does that have to do with your broken ARM?!"
Jim downs his second shot of whiskey, turns to Bill, and says, "Yesterday I was cleaning my gutters out, when it finally hit me what that lady was getting at. Slapped my forehead so hard I fell off the ladder and broke my arm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3egsxf/jim_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_arm_in_a_sling/
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If you were arrested for masturbating on a plane...

....they would have to charge you with hi-jacking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3egrh9/if_you_were_arrested_for_masturbating_on_a_plane/
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What do you call a drunk Muslim?

Hammad.
What do you call a really drunk Muslim?
Mohammad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3egpmj/what_do_you_call_a_drunk_muslim/
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20 years ago

we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3egoyi/20_years_ago/
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A man walks into a library and says...

..."I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3egktv/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_says/
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Tom the soldier in the desert.

An army is in the desert for several upcoming months.
The sergeant tells his troops: "Well, I know the climate is harsh and that you won't have a lot of entertainment here as there is no women. But, in case you cannot stand the pressure anymore, you will be allowed to take the camel behind this tent." and ends his speech with a wink.
While passing by, Tom the soldier takes a look at the camel. It's old, foul, leaks fur, its rear is covered with dry poo and flies are buzzing all around.
2 months pass, and Tom the soldier sees some of his comrades going behind the tent. When they come back, they display a large smile and swag.
After 4 months, Tom is still observing his brothers in arms doing the same little game. But he thinks "Are they really that sexually deprived?" as he can smell the old camel's awful scent from his place. He then reflects to find an alternative.
Another month passes and Tom continues to look at happy men coming back from behind the tent. As he feels tension from the waist down, he tells himself "I won't do such a thing. I can resist."
Another month passes and Tom is now having a hard time, obsessed with his own nuts. But the remembrance of the camel's aspect keeps him from acting.
After the 7th month, he feels real pain. He gets up and says: "I can't handle it anymore. This is beyond my limits."
Tom drinks alcohol, goes behind the tent and looks at the camel with some revulsion : "I'm sorry. I have to. Blurg."
Soon after unzipping his trousers, the whole camp begins to hear loud growls and rumbles-chewbacca style "HHRRAAAWW HHHRROOOON HRON HHHRAAAWAAAR HRRAAWWAR"
Everyone then hastens to check what is happening. They find Tom, naked behind the camel.
Sergeant asks: "WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING, SOLDIER ??"
Tom faintly answers: "But... you said that the camel was here to release the pressure, so I thought..."
Sergeant replies: "GRMBL! The camel is only here to get your ass to the next village, you jerk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3egj3m/tom_the_soldier_in_the_desert/
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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.  It only costs $10."  Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.  Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.  The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.  After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:  You have tennis elbow.  Soak your arm in warm water.  Avoid heavy lifting.  It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.  He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.  To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.  He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.  The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.  Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.  They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.  And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3egj1q/one_day_bill_complained_to_his_friend_that_his/
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I asked a French person why us Americans piss them off so much

I couldn't really understand what he said but I'm pretty sure it was "Blah blah blah, I'm French, I'm better than everyone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eghc4/i_asked_a_french_person_why_us_americans_piss/
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Gay jokes aren't funny.

Butt fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eggyt/gay_jokes_arent_funny/
%
This was a killer joke when I was in 3rd grade.

A man had to take a dump on an airplane, but the men's room was occupied. The flight attendant saw him trying to hold his poop and and said he could use the woman's room BUT NO TOUCHING THE BUTTONS!!
The man took his dump. Then saw 3 buttons. He pushed the first one labeled WW. He felt a stream of warm water spray clean his ass. Ah, he said that must be warm wash.
He saw a second button labeled "BD" and felt a warm gust of air on his butt. Ah, he said that must be butt dry.
He saw a third button labeled ATR. He pushed it and screamed and passed out from the pain.
He awoke in a hospital room. The flight attendant was there and said. I told you not to push any buttons. That was the automatic tampon remover!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eggjt/this_was_a_killer_joke_when_i_was_in_3rd_grade/
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Worst Ethnic Joke Ever

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....
....... "I'm sorry," said the maître d', "you can't come in here without a Thai."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3egdhg/worst_ethnic_joke_ever/
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God will provide

My daughter brought her fiancée home to meet her mother and me. I asked the young man, "How do you intend to support my daughter?"
He replied, "Well, sir, I didn't go to college and have had trouble finding a job but I know that God will provide."
I then asked, "Do you have any savings that you can live on until you get on your feet?"
He answered, "Unfortunately, no sir. I haven't a penny to my name, but I'm sure that God will provide."
Finally, I asked, "Can you ask your family for financial assistance to help you through the early days of your marriage?"
"No sir.  My family has barely enough money to pay their own bills.  But I'm sure that God will provide for me and your daughter."
I left him to go find my wife and report back on our conversation.  "So how'd it go?" she asked.  I replied, "Well the bad news is he hasn't got a pot to piss in.  The good news is he thinks I'm God."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eg9m8/god_will_provide/
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God, Jesus and Moses are playing golf

...at Amen corner at the Masters. This hole is a short par 3 with a small stream before the green.
Moses skulls(tops) his shot and it bounces along the ground, comes to the stream, it parts, rolls up and stops ten feet from the hole.
Jesus hits the same shot and the ball skips across the stream and stops 5 feet from the hole.
God shanks his shot in the woods.
As they're walking up Jesus and Moses kind of snicker at God. Thunder rumbles in the distant. At that moment a beaver comes running out of the woods with the ball in his mouth, and an eagle swoops down and carries off the beaver. Jesus and Moses are laughing hysterically. At this, a shot rings out from the distance, and the eagle drops the beaver, who lands on the green and the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls in the hole.
God turns to the two who are staring dropjawed and says, 'Are we going to fuck around all day or play some golf?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eg8fo/god_jesus_and_moses_are_playing_golf/
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A man visits a dentist

He has horrible pain in his mouth.
The dentist examines him, and says, "There is extensive damage in here, what is your diet like?"
The man says, "Hollandaise sauce. Morning, noon and night. I eat it on everything."
"Well, the damage seems very extensive, but I think I can fix it. You will need several root canals, and then I will install a chrome plate."
"A chrome plate? That seems really severe."
"Don't worry, you will be able to eat anything you want. No problems."
"Even hollandaise? I really love that sauce."
"Why sure, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eg7x0/a_man_visits_a_dentist/
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What do a woman and a toilet seat have in common?

Without a hole in the middle they wouldn't be good for shit.
(Wife told me this one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eg7eb/what_do_a_woman_and_a_toilet_seat_have_in_common/
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Why do you want your lawyer to be a U2 fan?

Cos they're always pro-Bono

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eg4db/why_do_you_want_your_lawyer_to_be_a_u2_fan/
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What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac spend his time doing?

Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eg30w/what_does_an_agnostic_dyslexic_insomniac_spend/
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An american, a Frenchman, and an Italian are sitting next to each other on a plane.

After a few minutes of conversation, the American brags, "Last night, I made love to my wife 4 times. The next morning she said she could never love a man as much as she loved me."
The Frenchman scoffs and says, "That's nothing, last night I made love to my wife 7 times. The next morning she said I was the greatest lover she's ever had."
Being cocky, the Frenchman asks the Italian, "What did your wife say to you this morning?"
The Italian replied, "Don't stop"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eg057/an_american_a_frenchman_and_an_italian_are/
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How does Moses make his tea?

He brews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3efyz4/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
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I went to the cannibal restaurant the other night and the waitress gave me the cold shoulder.

It came with rice and a salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3efybz/i_went_to_the_cannibal_restaurant_the_other_night/
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Went early to my Tantric Sex class last night...

Was told to come later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3efxu4/went_early_to_my_tantric_sex_class_last_night/
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Congress gets kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eft1l/congress_gets_kidnapped/
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Euro-English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3efpev/euroenglish/
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Guy is riding a camel through the desert

for several months and gets horny so he decides he'll try and have sex with his camel, so he gets off his camel and gets behind it. As he's pulling his pants down the camel turns around and looks at him. He thinks, "What am I doing? I can't do this with my camel looking at me!" So he pulls up his pants and continues his journey. Another month passes and again he feels horny, so he tries again. He climbs off the camel and gets behind it. Again, the camel looks at him. Again he says "I can't do it with the camel looking at me." So, he continues his journey. Then on his journey he sees two criminals trying to rape a woman in the desert, he takes out his sword and kills the criminals. The woman says, "thank you so much for saving me in return I will do anything you want."
The man thinks and says, "Well, there is one thing, could you hold my camel's head?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3efnnj/guy_is_riding_a_camel_through_the_desert/
%
What does the quantum duck say?

Quark Quark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3efmxz/what_does_the_quantum_duck_say/
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Why did the Egyptians build the pyramids?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eflzp/why_did_the_egyptians_build_the_pyramids/
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How did the man escape from prison?

Well, he rubbed his hands to make them sore,
He used the saw to cut the table in half,
Two halves make a whole,
He jumped into the hole and got out,
Finally he shouted til his voice was hoarse then climbed on the horse and rode back home.
An old one my grandfather told before he died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3efkz9/how_did_the_man_escape_from_prison/
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I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ...

Im so glad he found a good religious girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eff1a/i_heard_my_sons_girlfriend_screaming_oh_god_in/
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Who is the drummer for the Mexican Beatles?

Gringo Starr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3efbjq/who_is_the_drummer_for_the_mexican_beatles/
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A man comes home from a hard days work

And says to his wife "there's no food ready on the table! That's the third time this week! We need to have a talk!"
The wife says "you know what, I wake up at 5:30 in the morning, make your lunch, make breakfast, get the kids ready for school, take them to school, come back home, clean the house, do the laundry, to grocery shopping, pick the kids up from school, take them to practice, pick up the dry cleaning, bring the kids home from practice, help them with their home work, and the you come home, I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD TIME TO WIPE MY ASS!!"
The husband replies "that's another thing I want to talk to you about ..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3efb8d/a_man_comes_home_from_a_hard_days_work/
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I want a house I can drive my car in

You could drive from vroom to vroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ef9pr/i_want_a_house_i_can_drive_my_car_in/
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An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met.

They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.  After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?  The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not."  So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.  The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they fell to the ground exhausted.  Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen." "You must have been a wild couple when you were young."  "Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ef7ip/an_elderly_couple_were_celebrating_their_50th/
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Wrong answer ...

Wife busted me blow drying my penis after I got out of the shower. She asked what I was doing ...
I guess warming up your dinner wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ef533/wrong_answer/
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A wife's empathy...

I come home stressed after a long day at work. My wife says, "Honey, I don't like it when you're not feeling good. When you're stressed it stresses me out, when you're anxious I'm anxious, when you're sad it makes me sad. Whatever you're feelings are I feel them too."
So I said, "Then how come when I'm horny you're not horny!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ef4mo/a_wifes_empathy/
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How do you make a hormone?

Refuse to pay her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eezdj/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
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[NSFW] A penguin goes to the car mechanic...

...to figure out why his truck keeps making such weird noises as he goes down the highway. When he arrived, the mechanic said that he'd take a look and it'd be about a half hour wait.
"Well that's okay," the penguin muttered to himself as he walked out of the shop, "I can find something to do for half an hour." He came across an ice cream shop and decided that there was no better way to spend his time than eating ice cream. Having flippers instead of fingers made enjoying the ice cream difficult, and by the time he was finished, a perfect half hour later, he had vanilla ice cream all over himself. Face, beak, flippers, belly-- everywhere.
He waddled back to the mechanic, right on time. "So what do you think?" The penguin asked.
The mechanic scooted out from under the car and, looking at the penguin, cleared his throat. "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eeyx5/nsfw_a_penguin_goes_to_the_car_mechanic/
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So I organized a threesome last night....

There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eexbp/so_i_organized_a_threesome_last_night/
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I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer

but no one will do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eewe9/ive_spent_the_past_two_years_looking_for_my/
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Husband comes home early

A guy tells his psychiatrist: “It was terrible. I was away on business, and I sent my wife an e-mail saying I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport. And when I got home I found her in bed with my best friend! I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?"
"Well," reasons the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t get the e-mail."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eergn/husband_comes_home_early/
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I started a camp for kids with ADHD.

It's a Concentration camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eer28/i_started_a_camp_for_kids_with_adhd/
%
A guy and his new wife were about to consummate their marriage

The man starts pawing all over her. She pushes him away and says "if we're going to make this work, I want manners and respect!" The man smooths his hair down, folds his hands and says "my dearest, I'm so sorry, I'll be a perfect gentleman from now on." "Good" she says "that's better." To which the man replies "good, now would you ever so kindly pass the pussy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eeo84/a_guy_and_his_new_wife_were_about_to_consummate/
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I went on a diet for 10 days. You know what I lost?

10 Days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eekya/i_went_on_a_diet_for_10_days_you_know_what_i_lost/
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I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers.

But the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eejk0/i_really_want_to_buy_one_of_those_grocery/
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Restaurant for dogs

Waiter: What can I get you, sir?
Dog: I see you serve the book report. How is that prepared?
Waiter: A kid stayed up all night working on it.
Dog: Ooh! I'll have that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eehxn/restaurant_for_dogs/
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I'm an optimistic pessimist...

I see the glass as half empty, but there are free refills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ee85d/im_an_optimistic_pessimist/
%
Did you know Kim Khardashian's dad was a member of OJ Simpsons legal team?

So the whole family has a history of getting black guys off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ee4zc/did_you_know_kim_khardashians_dad_was_a_member_of/
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A man is applying for a position at Comcast

interviewer: So what makes you think you're qualified for this position?
man: Well, to be honest, I think it's in my genes.
interviewer: You mean you have family members who have worked for Comcast?
man: No, I mean my grandfather was a Nazi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edzxb/a_man_is_applying_for_a_position_at_comcast/
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A collection of some Game of Thrones jokes.

1.What is Ygritte's nickname for his Jons penis?
The snow cone.
2.How do you win the Game Of Thrones? It Varys
3.Does Theon Greyjoy smell? No he Reeks.
4.Why doesn't Bran Stark take a bath? He's used to his strong Hodor.
5.Why does no one from Winterfell have Alzheimer's? Because the North remembers.
6.How does Ygritte know that it's almost winter? Snow already came.
7.On a scale of one to Sansa Stark, how much do you regret your childhood crush?
8.If King Joffrey was anymore inbred, he'd be a sandwich.
9.What do you call a Lannister girl who can outrun her brothers? A virgin
10.What is the Nights Watch oath? Crows before Hoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edxin/a_collection_of_some_game_of_thrones_jokes/
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I told my boyfriend that I felt like I had been forgetting a lot of things lately.

He said, "because I've been fucking your brains out."
I've never laughed so hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edww6/i_told_my_boyfriend_that_i_felt_like_i_had_been/
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A man is swerving all over the road gets pulled over by the cops...

The officer asks the man to do a breathalyzer test to which the man replies "Oh, officer I can't I have extreme asthma and I could go into a fit if I try to."  The officer then asks him to come back to the station to do a piss test.  The man then says, "I can't do that either, I have a severe test of diabetes and if I force myself to pee my blood sugar might drop too bad and go into a coma."  The officer then suggests a blood test to which the man responds, "Officer I am a hemophiliac and my blood could not clot and I could die from a blood test."  At this point the officer is getting quite frustrated and just tells the man to get out of the car to do a field test.  The man then replies, "Officer I can't do that either."  The officer, now pissed just yells, "WHY NOT??"  The man smiles and says, "Because I'm drunk as piss"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edwkl/a_man_is_swerving_all_over_the_road_gets_pulled/
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Why did the Soviets implement 5 year plans instead of 4 year plans?

'Cuz they were stalin'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edvq9/why_did_the_soviets_implement_5_year_plans/
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Unexpected things

"It says here on your resume that you're good at saying unexpected things.."
"Yes I am"
"But I thought you were gonna say something unexp-  ..oh you're good"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edv3h/unexpected_things/
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What does a man and a linoleum floor have in common?

If you lay 'em right, you can walk on them for 20 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eduuk/what_does_a_man_and_a_linoleum_floor_have_in/
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What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?

I can’t believe someone would stoop so low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edrj0/what_did_the_police_officer_say_to_the_midget/
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Why do bakers work so hard?

Because they knead the dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edr8y/why_do_bakers_work_so_hard/
%
What do you call a chicken with political ambition?

Republic-hen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edr5w/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_with_political_ambition/
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I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet"

A kid meal is £250

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edq79/i_am_opening_a_restaurant_called_peace_and_quiet/
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How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat?

She fits in to your wife's clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edp2f/how_do_you_know_when_your_girlfriend_is_getting/
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The doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ednmp/the_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
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Three frogs were arrested, then taken to court.

The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go.
The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go.
The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog."
The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edmvk/three_frogs_were_arrested_then_taken_to_court/
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The difference between my dick and Stuart Little ?

Stuart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edl7l/the_difference_between_my_dick_and_stuart_little/
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What do you call a roman emperor with epilepsy?

Julius Seizure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edklz/what_do_you_call_a_roman_emperor_with_epilepsy/
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She told me to stop singing wonderwall

I said "stop stealing other users post for karma you karma-whoring piece of shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edjto/she_told_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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A Greek and an Italian

A Greek guy and an Italian guy were discussing who'd had the greatest civilization, so the Greek guy goes: "We have Pantheon." and the Italian guy responds: "Yes, but we built the Colosseum."
The Greek guy says: "We had Aristoteles." and the Italian guy says: "Yes, but we had Cicero".
So the Greek guy gets annoyed and goes full out and says: "WE INVENTED SEX!" and the Italian guy, all calm, says: "Yeah, but we came up with having it with women..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edi7m/a_greek_and_an_italian/
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Why do midgets always laugh when playing soccer?

The grass tickles their balls!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edhgv/why_do_midgets_always_laugh_when_playing_soccer/
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A man finds a magic lamp.

He then rubs it and a genie appears.
Genie: Thank you for freeing me mortal. I'll grant three of your wishes.
Man: My first wish is I want a million more wishes to be granted.
Genie: That's not how it works. I can only grant you three wishes.
Man: Fine. Just to be sure, you'll grant me three wishes no matter what?
Genie: Yes, I am bound by magic to do so.
Man: Okay. For my first wish I want a really thick tree log which is very rough on the surface.
Genie: Your wish has been granted.
*(a similar log appears)*
Man: For my next wish, shrink it such that it becomes very thin and then shove it up your ass.
*(the genie is not happy but does it out of obligation)*
Man: Now for my third wish, are you going to grant me a million wishes or should I have you expand the log back to its normal size?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edez7/a_man_finds_a_magic_lamp/
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A man was found dead eight years after committing suicide

Sort of proves his point, doesn't it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edees/a_man_was_found_dead_eight_years_after_committing/
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Have you heard the rumor about the butter?

Never mind I shouldn't spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edd8d/have_you_heard_the_rumor_about_the_butter/
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What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3edbfk/what_did_the_blanket_say_when_it_fell_off_the_bed/
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A women saw her daughter-in-law lying on the couch naked

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son’s house. after a quick knock on the door, she let herself in.
She is shocked when she finds her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.
“what are you doing?!” she asks.
“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the surprised daughter-in-law explains.
“but you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaims.
“this is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law answers confidently.
“love dress? but you’re… naked!”
“Jeff loves me and loves me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this ‘dress,’ he instantly becomes romantic and can’t get enough of me!”
The mother leaves, inspired by what she has learned.
When she gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying provocatively across the couch.
“what are you doing?” he asks.
“this is my love dress,” she whispers sensually.
“needs ironing. what’s for dinner?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ed812/a_women_saw_her_daughterinlaw_lying_on_the_couch/
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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I'm gonna give these two a lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ed78a/what_did_the_bra_say_to_the_hat/
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Lawyer and the devil

So a young lawyer is sitting in his office when the devil appears in front of him.
"I've got an offer for you" the devil explains
"Go on...." Says the young lawyer
"Well from here out your practice will grow 10 fold, your partners will all respect you, your clients will all love you, you'll have a golden tongue with any jury, you'll get all the vacation days you could ever want, and you'll live to be 100" replies the devil..."all I ask is that you wife's soul, your children's souls, and your children's children's souls rot in hell for eternity"
The lawyer leans back in his chair and inquisitively asks, "what's the catch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ecz8y/lawyer_and_the_devil/
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My friend told me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said Maaaybe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ecvq8/my_friend_told_me_to_stop_singing_wonderwall/
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Friend: Your three kids are so well behaved!

Me: Well .... there used to be four.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ecsbn/friend_your_three_kids_are_so_well_behaved/
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More valuable than Superman

The clear history button in your browser has saved more lives than Superman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ecnbj/more_valuable_than_superman/
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I used to be addicted to soap

But im clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ecmhc/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
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Definition of a Million

A man was praying to God.
He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is only a second."
"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God. Can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eck58/definition_of_a_million/
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Oxygen and Potassium went on a date.

It went O.K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ecimm/oxygen_and_potassium_went_on_a_date/
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Why did the bass player miss his second lesson?

He had a gig that night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eci6v/why_did_the_bass_player_miss_his_second_lesson/
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What does a bowling ball and your mom have in common?

You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter, and they'll always come back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ecgjd/what_does_a_bowling_ball_and_your_mom_have_in/
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A guy goes to see his eye doctor, who tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating."

"Why? Am I going blind?" The guy asks.
"No," says the eye doctor, "but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ecf34/a_guy_goes_to_see_his_eye_doctor_who_tells_him/
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A recently married couple...

A recently married couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. When the food was served, the husband said, "The food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: "Honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home. Won't you do that here?"
Husband: "That's at home sweetheart. Here the chef knows how to cook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ecf1d/a_recently_married_couple/
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What did the digital clock say to it's Mother?

"Look Ma, no hands!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ecewx/what_did_the_digital_clock_say_to_its_mother/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A Gummy Bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ecerw/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
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A guy with a 25 inch penis asked to God ...

Guy: My penis is too long. I can't live life like this.
God: Go to the pond near your home and ask the frog there to marry you. You'll lose 5 inches of your penis if she says "NO"
Guy proposed to the frog and she said "No". He lost 5 inches. He tried it again and he lost 5 more inches when she repeated "NO". He thought to himself, "15 inches is still a bit too much. 10" should be ideal." So he went to to the frog again.
Guy: Will you marry me?
Frog: OMG, How many times do I tell you!! "NO! NO! NO!!! Go AWAY!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ece79/a_guy_with_a_25_inch_penis_asked_to_god/
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How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ecdba/how_many_perverts_does_it_take_to_put_in_a/
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It was so cold out today..

I saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ecc78/it_was_so_cold_out_today/
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A Newly Wed Chinese Couple Go on Their Honeymoon

They get to the hotel late. The bride is visibly nervous and the groom is patiently and lovingly trying to reassure her.
He says "You don't need to worry about anything. Anything you want, I do for you."
Feeling a bit calmer she inquisitively looks at him and says "anything?"
"Anything", the groom replies without hesitation.
"Ok, I... I want 69." she says with a bashful grin.
The groom looks annoyed, "How you think of beef and broccoli at a time like this!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ec9yy/a_newly_wed_chinese_couple_go_on_their_honeymoon/
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Why did Germany hold a ceremony for the Greek bankruptcy?

They wanted to give credit where credit was due.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ec8hp/why_did_germany_hold_a_ceremony_for_the_greek/
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My gf said men only think with their penis.

I told her to go ahead and blow my mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ec6o9/my_gf_said_men_only_think_with_their_penis/
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Why did the priest smoke weed in the cemetery?

He wanted to keep his spirits high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ec4sz/why_did_the_priest_smoke_weed_in_the_cemetery/
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Dying husband asks his wife:

Our 7th son always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father?"
Wife (crying): Yes!
Husband: Who?
Wife: You!
Husband Dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ec1wk/dying_husband_asks_his_wife/
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What's the difference between a lobster with boobs and a filthy bus stop?

One's a busty crustacean while the other's a crusty bus station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ec0fv/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with_boobs/
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island.

I said to him 'Don't be Sicily

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebw2u/my_friend_told_me_he_was_going_to_a_fancy_dress/
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I came back from vacation with a serious addiction

...to the hokey-pokey, but I turned myself around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebuxr/i_came_back_from_vacation_with_a_serious_addiction/
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What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

HAAAAAAAND EYYEEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebu7s/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
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Two muffins are sitting in an oven

one muffin looks at the other and says "Man its hot in here"
the other muffin looks back ans says "Holy Shit a talking Muffin"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebsok/two_muffins_are_sitting_in_an_oven/
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My wife: "vacation sex really is the best!"

Worst postcard I ever received.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebp0p/my_wife_vacation_sex_really_is_the_best/
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Why are monkeys such great friends?

Because they're prime mates!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eboa0/why_are_monkeys_such_great_friends/
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Kylie Jenner Walks into a restaurant

Kylie Jenner walks into a restaurant where she has made a reservation.  The waiter greets her politely, and says, "Right this way Mrs. Jenner" and begins leader her to her table.  "Please," she says, "Mrs. Jenner is my father.  Call me Kylie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebm9n/kylie_jenner_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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The Malaysian Space Program

One day, the Malaysians decided to launch their first space program and to send a man in a rocket out into space. Since they recognised that this was a dangerous journey, they decided to ask their final three candidates, an Indian, a Malay and a Chinese man, how much of a bonus would they need to give them to accept the mission.
They called the Indian man in first, and then asked him how much of a bonus he wanted to join the program. "One thousand dollars!" he declared. When they pressed him for why, the Indian replied that he had a large family to feed, with eleven children, and the money would be needed to care for them.
Next, they called in the Malay man and asked him the same question. "Two thousand dollars!" was the response. When they asked him why, the Malay replied that he had just started a business, and he needed the money for the business to survive without him.
Finally, they called in the Chinese man. When the question was asked, the Chinese man thought for a while, then said "Eleven Thousand."
"Eleven Thousand?!?" the interviewer asked, surprised. "Why so much?"
The Chinese man leant in close, and whispered:
"Five thousand for you, five thousand for me, and one thousand to send the Indian into space."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebh0t/the_malaysian_space_program/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebgqi/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Why had the two algae never had sex?

Because they had a planktonic relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebgba/why_had_the_two_algae_never_had_sex/
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I went to the shops to get eight cans of sprite.

But when i was walking back i realized Id only picked 7 up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebfud/i_went_to_the_shops_to_get_eight_cans_of_sprite/
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Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby?

At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebfez/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a_baby/
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after Mass

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic man says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, “Well….?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24″ waist, and 34″ hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebet6/four_catholic_men_and_a_catholic_woman_were/
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Ordering a cake over the phone

"And what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"Honey, do we want a talking cake?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebdsa/ordering_a_cake_over_the_phone/
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Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed...

...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebdl3/two_women_in_a_shared_cell_were_in_the_prison_for/
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I saw this advert in a window that said:

"Television, 1$, volume stuck on full"
I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebd4q/i_saw_this_advert_in_a_window_that_said/
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An 18 y/o boy getting a BJ from and 80 y/o woman and a tightrope walker have the same thought...What is it?

Don't look down!
My Dad broke this one out this morning thought I would share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebc6x/an_18_yo_boy_getting_a_bj_from_and_80_yo_woman/
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This is a riddle

. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer.
Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. What happened?
A: The customer had hiccups.
I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebavl/this_is_a_riddle/
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What's another word for dinosaur?

thesaurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ebaiz/whats_another_word_for_dinosaur/
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I went to see a topless ventriloquist last night.

She was amazing, I never saw her lips moving once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eb6zg/i_went_to_see_a_topless_ventriloquist_last_night/
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Why did the bartender put laxatives in a patron's drink?

For shits and giggles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eb625/why_did_the_bartender_put_laxatives_in_a_patrons/
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Found my son and his girlfriend naked in his room.

And I was like "*Sex-education* is so advanced now that they also give homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eb4dk/found_my_son_and_his_girlfriend_naked_in_his_room/
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what is the stupidest animal in the jungle?

the polar bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eb12t/what_is_the_stupidest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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My dad told me this while we were changing out some brakes

A man walks into a gas station on his way home to his girlfriend. He grabs a soda, and a box of cheap condoms.
The lady at the counter says "that'll be 7.99 plus tax"
"Tacks? The damn things don't even hold themselves on?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eb0rh/my_dad_told_me_this_while_we_were_changing_out/
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Two fish in a tank. One says to the other...

"how do you drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eaz42/two_fish_in_a_tank_one_says_to_the_other/
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I bet you haven't heard of this new movie Constipation...

...it hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eaywl/i_bet_you_havent_heard_of_this_new_movie/
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Why do they refer to network ports as female?

Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eay6e/why_do_they_refer_to_network_ports_as_female/
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How did Helen Keller lose her arm?

Trying to read the road signs!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eawbd/how_did_helen_keller_lose_her_arm/
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My band

"Coldplay Secret Show" played a sold out gig tonight in front of 400 angry people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eapp1/my_band/
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Comedian Lee Nelson threw money at Sepp Blatter at a FIFA conference as a protest.

It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eaoub/comedian_lee_nelson_threw_money_at_sepp_blatter/
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My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eanyy/my_driving_instructor_told_me_to_pull_over/
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I was walking through the woods and found a suitcase containing a fox and four cubs...

I immediately called the RSPCA and told the lady on the other end.
"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure," I said, "But I guess that would explain the suitcase."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eanyw/i_was_walking_through_the_woods_and_found_a/
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A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "sorry we don't serve horses here."
The horse says, "Do you serve beer?"
The bartender replies, "well yes."
The horse sits down, "Then I don't see the problem here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eammk/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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If a policeman is knocking on your door and you have a pile of dead babies on your bed, what's the hardest thing to hide?

Your erection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eaif9/if_a_policeman_is_knocking_on_your_door_and_you/
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Two factory workers are talking - Funny joke

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eahrz/two_factory_workers_are_talking_funny_joke/
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A chicken walks in to a bar...

A chicken walks in to a bar. The bartender says, "What'll be, chicken?"
The chicken says, "I'd like a nice pale ale with some type of a fruit flavor."
The bartender says, "You want the bar across the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eahes/a_chicken_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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How Long is a Chinese name.

No, really, it is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eagd6/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
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What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eafhl/what_do_you_call_an_italian_with_a_rubber_toe/
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Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eae5r/why_did_the_can_crusher_quit_his_job/
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Can your dick touch your asshole?

A little boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. The little boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" The Grandpa replies, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy says no. So the Grandpa says "Then you're not man enough to have a beer yet."
A little later Grandpa lights up a stogie. The little boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a puff off your cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy answers no, again. Grandpa says, "Then your not man enough to have a stogie."
A little later, the little boy comes out of the house with an ice cream cone. Grandpa asks, "Can I try a little of that ice cream?" So boy asks "Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" Grandpa replies, "Why yes son, my dick can touch my asshole." So the boy replies, "Good, then go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eadl6/can_your_dick_touch_your_asshole/
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How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ea5p4/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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How do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ea1er/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
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Son asks his father...

Youngest Son: Dad, whats the difference between 'hypothetically' &  'reality'?
Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 million?
Wife: Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity.
Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 Million?
Daughter: Yes He's my fantasy!
Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with, Tom cruise for 1 million?
Elder Son: Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money!
Father turns to his younger son: You see son 'Hypothetically' we are sitting with 3 millionaires, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 sluts & 1 gay cocksucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ea0ii/son_asks_his_father/
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A Cop Pulls Over a Guy in a Convertible Filled w/ Penguins...

So a motorcycle cop is weaving in and out of traffic and stumbles upon a guy driving a convertible with the top down. In the backseat, he sees 10 penguins. The cop signals for the driver to pull over, and when he approaches the car, he lays into the guy...
"What do you think you are doing? This isn't allowed! Take those penguins directly to the zoo!"
"OK, geez, sorry" the man says before driving off.
The very next day, the same motorcycle cop is weaving through traffic and in the distance sees the same man, in the same convertible, with the same penguins in the back seat. He quickly weaves up to the car and again signals for him to pull over.
The cop storms up to the drivers side of the car and screams at the man: "what are you doing?! I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!"
"I did," the driver responded. "And today we're going to the movies."
(and then everyone died)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e9uwg/a_cop_pulls_over_a_guy_in_a_convertible_filled_w/
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What sucks about being an egg?

You get laid once, and it's by your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e9ttc/what_sucks_about_being_an_egg/
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TIL that according to Cunnilingus's Law the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer.

[Source](https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Cunningham%27s_Law)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e9sy0/til_that_according_to_cunnilinguss_law_the_best/
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Bill Cosby walks into a bar

The rest is a blur!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e9r10/bill_cosby_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why are elephants big and grey?

Because if they were small and purple, they would be called grapes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e9q1k/why_are_elephants_big_and_grey/
%
Why did the perv leave?

Because he came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e9oh6/why_did_the_perv_leave/
%
Reporter doing an interview

A famous TV reporter was doing a report on location in Uzbekistan about the local customs of the people of Uzbekistan. During his report he interviewed one of the local town elders and asked him:
"Tell me a story about somthing that has happened in your life that you will never ever forget as long as you live".
The old man laughed, and began to tell the story.
"One day, a long, long time ago I lost my goat on that mountain. As is the local custom, all of the men in the village got together to smoke the magic herb and we went up the mountain to find the goat. When we finally found the goat - as per our custom - we all smoked more of the magic herb and each man, one at a time had sex with the found goat. It was quite a scene."
The reporter was shocked, to say the least. But he pressed on... "I'm very sorry, sir... but I don't think our network can air that story. Perhaps you have another story with a happy ending that you could share with us?"
The old man laughed and said, "Ok, ok.... I have a better story for you that has a happy ending..... One day, a long, long time ago my neighbor lost his wife up on that mountain. As is the local custom, all of the men in the village got together to smoke the magic herb and we went up the mountain to find our neighbor's wife. When we finally found her - as per our custom - we all smoked more of the magic herb and each man, one at a time had sex with her. It was the best time of my life! What a party that was!"
The reporter was taken aback, shocked. He was getting frustrated and finally asked the old man "Let's try a different angle... Maybe you can tell me about somthing extremely sad that has happend to you that you will never forget as long as you live?"
The old man lowered his head, and tears began to swell in his eyes..... he paused momentarily, then said:
"One day, a long, long time ago I got lost on that mountain..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e9l3f/reporter_doing_an_interview/
%
Do lightbulbs ever think about sex?

Only when they're turned on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e9huy/do_lightbulbs_ever_think_about_sex/
%
Is the KKK a good source of Potassium?

Yes, because they're all bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e9fo7/is_the_kkk_a_good_source_of_potassium/
%
What does the Philosophy major say a year after he graduates?

"Would you like fries with that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e9fh0/what_does_the_philosophy_major_say_a_year_after/
%
My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e9feb/my_friend_really_changed_when_she_became_a/
%
How easy is it to stroll along on pies?

Well, it's no cakewalk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e9cg8/how_easy_is_it_to_stroll_along_on_pies/
%
A man walks into an antique store...

and starts looking around.
Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it." The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue. As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says "All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story."
The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the cat statue. When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him. He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again. This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him. The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes.
By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks. He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper. When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 10,000 cats sitting there looking at him. There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that. In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could. Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and drowned.
The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said "I told you that you would be back for the story." The man replied "The hell with the story, do you have a statue of a lawyer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e8z21/a_man_walks_into_an_antique_store/
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Three men are trapped on an island...

Three men were trapped on the island. One was an American, one was a North Korean and the other was South Korean.
They were wandering around when they came upon a town of cannibals. They were tied with a rope. The Chief came out and said that the punishment was spanking their ass with a huge wooden club. But he wished to fulfill one reasonable wish before being spanked.
The American said, "I want 20 blankets over my ass". And so the wish was fulfilled. The blankets protected him from all but the last 10 spanks with the mace.
The North Korean said "I want 50 mattresses over my ass". And so the wish was fulfilled. The blankets completely protected him from the spankings.
It was the South Korean's turn. He smiled viciously and said:
"I want that North Korean on top of me"
Copied shamelessly from [here](https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080608204814AAPJA5W)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e8xcy/three_men_are_trapped_on_an_island/
%
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?

A seizure salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e8x77/what_do_you_call_an_epileptic_in_a_vegetable/
%
What does it take to have a Beatles reunion?

2 more bullets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e8rz6/what_does_it_take_to_have_a_beatles_reunion/
%
Exam question: According to Germany how much is Greece worth?

[1 Mark]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e8phd/exam_question_according_to_germany_how_much_is/
%
The woman and her chili.

A man walks into a bar and notices a woman sitting at a table. In front of her on the table is a full bowl of chili. Since the man is very hungry, he asks her if he can have her chili. She agrees, giving him the bowl. The man starts to quickly put spoonfuls into his mouth. As he gets to the end of the chili, he sees a dead rat at the bottom. This causes him to vomit back into the bowl.
In response, the woman said: "Yep, that's about as far as I got too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e8p4d/the_woman_and_her_chili/
%
What is the definision of mixed feelings?

When your wife says that you have the largest in your street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e8n4n/what_is_the_definision_of_mixed_feelings/
%
What's the difference between a skeptic and a conspiracy theorist?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e8h0f/whats_the_difference_between_a_skeptic_and_a/
%
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Texan walk into a bar.

I wish I had friends to go to the bar with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e8evk/an_irishman_a_mexican_and_a_texan_walk_into_a_bar/
%
After four years I finally had to buy condoms again.

Stupid expiration dates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e8b1b/after_four_years_i_finally_had_to_buy_condoms/
%
What did the sea say to the river?

You can run but you can't tide!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e8a6z/what_did_the_sea_say_to_the_river/
%
Politicians are like Sperm

One in a million turn out to be an actual human being

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e897p/politicians_are_like_sperm/
%
What does the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."
The vendor makes him the hot dog and the Buddhist hands him a $20 bill. The vendor hands him his hot dog and then the Buddhist sits down at a nearby table to enjoy it. Soon after, to the Buddhist's dismay, he realizes the vendor hasn't been forthcoming with the rest of his money. He knows the hot dog couldn't have been $20, so the Buddhist approaches the vendor and says:
"Excuse me, where's my change?"
To which the vendor replies:
"Change comes only from within."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e86xo/what_does_the_buddhist_say_to_the_hot_dog_vendor/
%
Jim decided to propose to Sandy

, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e86l0/jim_decided_to_propose_to_sandy/
%
Whenever I'm feeling stressed I go to the house of mirrors...

I find it's a really great place to reflect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e86dd/whenever_im_feeling_stressed_i_go_to_the_house_of/
%
What's the worst part about having Alzheimer's?

To get to the other side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e868m/whats_the_worst_part_about_having_alzheimers/
%
So my wife said "take off my shirt".

So I did as she said and took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I continued and took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes." Once again, I did as she said and I took off her shoes.
"Now my hose, bra, and panties." And lastly, I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e7tmr/so_my_wife_said_take_off_my_shirt/
%
What is the difference between a camera and a sock?

One holds photos
The other holds five

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e7qkv/what_is_the_difference_between_a_camera_and_a_sock/
%
My bank is trying to get people to open additional savings accounts,

but there is no interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e7pud/my_bank_is_trying_to_get_people_to_open/
%
Magic Window

Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "That window is magic. To prove it, I'll jump out." He jumps, much to the other man's horror, and plummets 20 floors only to stop and float gently back up. "Amazing, huh? Why don't you try?" The other man is dubious, but eventually decides to jump. He plummets 30 floors and smacks into the pavement. The first man is in hysterics. "You know," says the bartender, "you're a real prick when you're drunk, Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e7o9v/magic_window/
%
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e7nwm/why_is_it_so_hard_to_break_up_with_a_japanese_girl/
%
What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e7n2c/what_do_you_get_when_you_shoot_four_bullets_into/
%
What do you call a rich Chinese?

https://i.imgur.com/txMwWBX.jpg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e7mfw/what_do_you_call_a_rich_chinese/
%
I love doing laundry...

It's the only time you can separate the whites from the coloreds and no one gets offended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e7k82/i_love_doing_laundry/
%
Last night a few of my buddies went to Applebee's... [NSFW]

As I was placing my order, I noticed the waitress had a black eye. So I made sure to talk real slowly. Because obviously this bitch has a listening problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e7ig3/last_night_a_few_of_my_buddies_went_to_applebees/
%
What's similar between a 9v battery and an asshole?

Your tongue ends up on it even though you know it's wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e7g5c/whats_similar_between_a_9v_battery_and_an_asshole/
%
Bigamy is having one wife too many.

Monogamy is the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e7e7p/bigamy_is_having_one_wife_too_many/
%
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?

A Sir conference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e7bte/what_do_you_call_a_gathering_of_arthurs_knights/
%
How do you kill a 1 legged fox?

Make him run across Canada. (sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e7a24/how_do_you_kill_a_1_legged_fox/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e77xl/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
I want to get into the porn industry

But the competition is really stiff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e75y2/i_want_to_get_into_the_porn_industry/
%
What's a horny pirates worst nightmare? NSFW

a sunken chest with no booty!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e75q9/whats_a_horny_pirates_worst_nightmare_nsfw/
%
A man walks into a bar with a monkey

As he's sitting there having his drink, he says to the bartender "I bet you $20 that my monkey can pee in a shot glass without getting any urine elsewhere"
The bartender accepts the man's challenge and puts a shot glass across the bar.
The monkey starts running around the bar while pissing. Urine gets everywhere.
"WHOA WHOA WHOA!" Yells the bartender, "you're not getting any money, what the hell was that?"
The man smiles and says "the bar down the street bet me $500 that my monkey could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't mind"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e73bv/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_monkey/
%
I thought burying my wurst for a few days would improve its attitude, but it just became a spoiled brat.

I'm sorry. That was completely terrible. I shouldn't have wasted your time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e72jd/i_thought_burying_my_wurst_for_a_few_days_would/
%
I TEXTED MY BOSS...

"What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?...
HE ANSWERED: "I don't know?"
I REPLIED: "I'm not coming in this morning!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e6ygn/i_texted_my_boss/
%
An Australian soldier arrives at the front line

in WW1 where he meets a British officer.
The officer asks "have come here to die too?"
The soldier replies
"No sir, I came yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e6smq/an_australian_soldier_arrives_at_the_front_line/
%
A black man walks into a bar...

And sits down with a parrot on his shoulder. When the bartender asks what he would like to drink, the parrot answers instead.
"Vodka!" it squawks.
Amazed by the trick, the bartender got him his drink and stood back in awe. A few minutes later, the curiosity became to strong for the bartender and he had to know.
" hey, where did u get that? It's so well trained!"
"Africa" answers the parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e6qku/a_black_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Three strings are going out for a night on the town.

The strings go to a popular bar and the first string walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, barkeep! Three beers, please!"
The bartender starts to pour three beers when he turns to the string and says, "Wait just a minute. Are you a string? We don't serve your kind here!"
So the string turns and walks back to his friends and tells them the bad news. The second string tells his buddies, "don't worry about it. I'll get us some drinks."
The second string goes up to the bar and orders three pints. Again, the bartender turns with a scowl on his face and says, "listen, I already told your friend, we don't serve your kind here."
The string turns back to his friends and tells them that he, too, failed to get their drinks. The third string, fed up with all of this nonsense storms outside. His friends watch as he rubs his head against the brick wall outside. Before coming back inside, he twists himself around like a pretzel.
The third string then goes up to the bartender and orders his three drinks. The bartender turns to him and says, "hold on, are you a string too?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e6pqx/three_strings_are_going_out_for_a_night_on_the/
%
A Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN

The only question asked in the survey was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e6i9q/a_worldwide_survey_was_conducted_by_the_un/
%
Seven dwarves...

sitting in a bath and they all felt happy.
Happy got out and they all felt grumpy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e6hz7/seven_dwarves/
%
I have a good gay joke

so good it will make your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e67uf/i_have_a_good_gay_joke/
%
What do you call a bird that drunkenly conveys a compelling perspective on racial hatred?

Tequila Mockingbird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e66x7/what_do_you_call_a_bird_that_drunkenly_conveys_a/
%
How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e65mv/how_much_room_is_needed_for_fungi_to_grow/
%
2 surgeons are sitting down having lunch.

They are both engaged in a conversation when all of a sudden, one of the surgeons starts laughing hysterically. A dermatologist walks over to their table to join them. He asked the surgeons, "what's so funny?" One of the surgeons replies, " you wouldn't understand. It's an inside joke. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e63nr/2_surgeons_are_sitting_down_having_lunch/
%
Cowboy walks into a bar

A young cowboy, new to town, walks into the saloon wanting to make an impression. There's a pianist with his back to the cowboy playing a tune. There are two candles on either end of the piano.
The young gun draws quickly and shoots out the candle on the left hand side. The bar goes silent, but the pianist keeps on playing. So the cowboy draws again and shoots out the right hand candle. There are gasps from the bar, but the pianist keeps playing. So the cowboy draws and shoots the hat off the pianist ... but he just keeps on playing.
Dejected, the cowboy sidles up to the bar and orders a drink. The barman looks him in the eye and says
"Son, can I give you three pieces of advice"
"sure"
"Firstly, I notice you shoot from the hip. You should file down the sight on your gun, 'cause you don't need it and one day it will catch on your holster and get you in trouble"
"Secondly, get rid of the trigger guard, cause if you're in a fight, you need to shoot as quickly as possible and one day that might just mean the difference between life and death"
"Thirdly, you should cover your guns in vaseline"
"Vaseline? Why?"
"Cause when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano, he's gonna shove those things up your ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e60cy/cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I get really bad anxiety when driving over bridges.

My therapist says I have truss issues.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5xni/i_get_really_bad_anxiety_when_driving_over_bridges/
%
Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5vln/last_night_i_masturbated_over_my_exgirlfriend/
%
What did the Nuclear Engineer get for his birthday?

Yellow Cake
http://imgur.com/gallery/FGFV1Em/new

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5u05/what_did_the_nuclear_engineer_get_for_his_birthday/
%
Bono and the Edge walk into a bar...

The bartender looks up at them and says "Oh, not you two again.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5ss9/bono_and_the_edge_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. It says in the bible, Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked 10 miles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5rhs/which_stretches_further_skin_or_rubber/
%
I let a Jehova's Witness inside the other day and asked him, "what now?"...

He replied, "I'm not sure, I've never gotten this far before"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5nsl/i_let_a_jehovas_witness_inside_the_other_day_and/
%
Who did the dyslexic devil worshipper sell his soul to?

Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5my1/who_did_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper_sell_his/
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What did the sign on the whorehouse say?

Beat it, we're closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5mnh/what_did_the_sign_on_the_whorehouse_say/
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A death in the family.

A woman goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5m3w/a_death_in_the_family/
%
Why don't birds ever wear underwear?

Because their pecker is on their head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5i4m/why_dont_birds_ever_wear_underwear/
%
How scared was the man who ate cement?

Lets just say, he shit a brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5hah/how_scared_was_the_man_who_ate_cement/
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A farmer named Jet owns a team of mules.

These mules help to plow fields and do other such chores on Jet's farm. One of these mules has a very special gift. He can breath fire. None of the villagers  believed Jet when he spoke his fire-breathing mule. So, one day Jet took his mule into town to prove to everyone that he was honest about this mule. He went to the middle of the town square. As soon as a sizeable crowd had gathered around him, he commanded his mule to show his ability. The mule opened his mouth and let forth a brilliant blue flame. The villagers were shocked at first, but then some of the skeptics chimed in. They claimed that this flame had no heat, that it was just a lights show. Jet asked the crowd how he should prove to them that the flame was truly so hot. One of the villagers chimed in with a suggestion.
"Hey! I've got a pot on beans sitting on my counter at home. Those beans have been sitting out in the open for five whole years now! I can't do anything to soften them up! Now, I don't just want your mule-dragon to boil them, I want him to melt them into a pool of bean soup!"
Now, none of the villagers were very smart, so they thought that this was a great idea. Jet obliged. He took his mule to this villager's house. Sure enough, a pot of dry and rock hard beans sat on the counter. Jet commanded his mule to scorch them with all he could muster. The mule let loose an incredible flame, the hottest every made on the earth, but after five minutes of intense hear, the beans didn't change one bit. They stayed just as they were before, dry and hard. Jet was astounded. The villagers all laughed at him for his fake fire-breathing mule. Jet went back to his farm and continued on with life as normal, working hard until the day he died.
This all goes to show that Jet's mule can't melt stale beans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5gev/a_farmer_named_jet_owns_a_team_of_mules/
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A mathematician walks into a pizza shop...

They request one pie. Upon getting a full pizza, they exclaim, "You gave me twice as many radians as I asked for!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5ewm/a_mathematician_walks_into_a_pizza_shop/
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I posted a joke about ISIS killing themselves with their own bombs

You can view it @ http://puu.sh/j83On/f79d53bf57.png

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5ejk/i_posted_a_joke_about_isis_killing_themselves/
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While we're in the business of Texas jokes...

A blind man decides to take a vacation. After talking to a few friends, he is convinced that he should visit Texas. He books his flight and soon after heads to the airport. He gets on the plane, and while finding his seat exclaims "Wow, these seats are much larger than normal!" One of the flight attendants turns to him and says "Everything's bigger in Texas."
He arrives in Dallas and decides to try some local cuisine. He orders a BBQ burger, and after picking it up says, "Holy cow, this is a huge burger!" The waitress says to him, "Everything's bigger in Texas."
Later that evening, he decides to stop at the hotel bar. He orders a beer, and when the bartender places it in his hand says "Goodness, this is a lot of beer!" The bartender says, "Everything's bigger in Texas."
After a few drinks, he asks the bartender where the bathroom is. "Down the hall, first door on the left." As he is making his way there, he mistakenly takes the second door on the left, which leads to the hotel pool. He falls right into the pool, and flounders about in a panic. He manages to swim up and as he breaks the surface, he screams "For the love of God, DON'T FLUSH!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5dfb/while_were_in_the_business_of_texas_jokes/
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I didn't know owls were religious

Until someone told me they were a bird of pray

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5cmq/i_didnt_know_owls_were_religious/
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What's the hardest part about roller blading?

Telling your parents that you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e5bvz/whats_the_hardest_part_about_roller_blading/
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Guy tip:

If your girlfriend has a really annoying friend, don't tell her how bothersome she is or to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how attractive she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e59ge/guy_tip/
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Germans

5 Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian Border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them,
"It's a illegala to putta 5 People in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" Asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian Official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze Automobile...." The German says unbelievingly,
"Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 Persons".
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian Customs Officer, "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the Law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry...." Responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come.
...
He'sa busy with 2 Passengers who arrived in a Fiat Uno."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e56sn/germans/
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After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
> Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
-
> Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
-
> Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
-
> Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
-
> Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
-
> Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.
-
> Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.
-
> Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.
-
> Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
-
> Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.
-
> Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
-
> Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
-
> Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
-
> Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.
-
> Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e56rc/after_every_flight_pilots_fill_out_a_form_called/
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Why was the lumberjack executed?

He committed treeson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e555y/why_was_the_lumberjack_executed/
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Have you heard about these new super-sensitive condoms?

After the man leaves, they hang around and talk to the woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e4zjc/have_you_heard_about_these_new_supersensitive/
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Did you know Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for christmas?

He said it was the best book he's ever read

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e4xmb/did_you_know_stevie_wonder_got_a_cheese_grater/
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Putin is holding a press conference

This is Russian joke.
Putin is holding a press conference to see what problems in Russia need fixing.
An old man walks up to the mic and says "Mr. President, we are so poor, we cannot afford to eat, every night my wife and I go hungry. Can you fix this?"
Putin says "I'm sorry, I cannot fix this."
The man continues "Mr. President, my son is in the Army. Every day I'm worried he'll be killed in Ukraine. Can you fix this?"
Putin says "I'm sorry, I cannot fix this."
The old man goes on "Mr. President, my daughter is gay. Every day I fear you will lock her up. Can you fix this?"
Putin says "I'm sorry, I cannot fix this."
The man sighs heavily, "well, at least I have my health."
Putin perks up, "now that I can fix!"
Joke finished, back to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e4xm7/putin_is_holding_a_press_conference/
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A boy said to his father one day,

"Dad, when I grow up I want to be a musician."
His father responded, "I'm sorry, son, you can't have it both ways."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e4x1b/a_boy_said_to_his_father_one_day/
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A little boy has diarrhea...

He says to his mom, "Mom I need some viagra, i have diarrhea."
The mom, in disbelief, asks "why do you need that hunny?"
The son replies "Isn't that what you give dad when his shit wont get hard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e4upb/a_little_boy_has_diarrhea/
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A guy gives free circumcisions

He gets asked, "well, if you don't get paid, how do you keep the food on the table?"
He answers, "I keep the tips"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e4uob/a_guy_gives_free_circumcisions/
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A grasshopper walks into a bar

The bartender immediately says, "Hey!  We got a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks at him quizzically and says, "You've got a drink named Leonard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e4t8z/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
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The difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician

An engineer and a mathematician volunteer for a test, they are both led into a large room with nothing but a naked woman at the far end. Both men are told they can do anything they want to the woman but they can only move half the distance closer whenever the tester blows a whistle.
"What's the point? I'll never get to her!" the mathematician says and leaves the room in frustration. The engineer stays but is queried as to why by the tester.
"Sooner or later I'll be close enough for most practical purposes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e4snh/the_difference_between_an_engineer_and_a/
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I was addicted to hokey pokey

But then I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e4l4h/i_was_addicted_to_hokey_pokey/
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What do you find in an empty nose?

Fingerprints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e4gsu/what_do_you_find_in_an_empty_nose/
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Why was my other pillow jealous?

Because I like to sleep around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e4b6z/why_was_my_other_pillow_jealous/
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What is a small, one story home made of poop called?

A dungalow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e49xk/what_is_a_small_one_story_home_made_of_poop_called/
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What do you call a sad boner?

Mourning Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e49u8/what_do_you_call_a_sad_boner/
%
Somebody stole my mood ring

I'm not sure how i feel about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e44t8/somebody_stole_my_mood_ring/
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How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb?

You will find out when the light comes on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e44ln/how_many_black_people_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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How do you pick up Mexican Girls?

Border Patrol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e430f/how_do_you_pick_up_mexican_girls/
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A duck walks into a drug store,

He goes and puts lip stick on the check out counter.
The cashier asks, "will this be cash or check?"
The duck says, "neither; just put it on my bill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e4253/a_duck_walks_into_a_drug_store/
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MY first physical

being 50 years old and having never had a physical the doctor wanted a complete work-up, so he says to me "we'll need a blood, urine,sperm, and stool sample" I threw him the underwear I was wearing and told him to "take whatever you need"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e41ky/my_first_physical/
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My girlfriend is the squareroot of -100.

She's a 10, but it sucks because she's imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e405e/my_girlfriend_is_the_squareroot_of_100/
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Why were all the numbers concerned for 10?

Because 10 was in the midst of 9/11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3zst/why_were_all_the_numbers_concerned_for_10/
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Why did the guy get an erection when he saw a ruler?

He had a foot fetish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3xjt/why_did_the_guy_get_an_erection_when_he_saw_a/
%
Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap.

The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."
The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."
The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.
The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.
"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"
"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3u3y/two_men_walk_into_a_bar_one_wearing_a_cowboy_hat/
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Two antennas meet on a roof and fall in love...

They date for awhile, get engaged, and then get married. The wedding ceremony itself wasn't that great, but the reception was amazing!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3s1i/two_antennas_meet_on_a_roof_and_fall_in_love/
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Another Texan in Ireland Joke.

A Texan on holidays in Ireland was driving along the country side when he came across anumber Irish farmer standing beside the road with his cows. The Texan pulls up and says "excuse me sir, do you own any land around these parts?".
The farmer says "I do. I own the 12 acres of land you see behind me and a herd of 20 cows". The Texan replies "12 acres?! THAT'S IT?! Back home in Texas, I can hope in my jeep on a Monday and not reach the other side of my land until the Friday!" to which the Irishman replies "ah yeah, I had a jeep like that as well once! Had to get rid of the worthless shite!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3p5w/another_texan_in_ireland_joke/
%
The Mouse

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"
His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."
Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3oph/the_mouse/
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This was the first dirty joke my mom ever heard -said when she was 16 by my grandfather who loved a good joke.

A old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful young woman in a dress walking towards him. As he approaches her, a gust of wind blows her skirt up over her head. Frantically she pushes the fabric back down into place and turns a little red from embarrassment. Not wanting to cause further distress and hoping to make light of the situation, the old man calls out, "Airy, ain't it?"
Angry, the woman yells back, "What did you expect?? Feathers?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3olv/this_was_the_first_dirty_joke_my_mom_ever_heard/
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A man thinks his wife is going deaf

(On mobile so formatting will not be 10/10)
A man goes to the doctor complaining that his wife is going deaf. The doctor asks him to bring in his wife for tests, but the man explains that she refuses to come in.
The doctor thinks for a minute, then tells the man to go home, and yell to his wife from across the house. If she doesn't hear him then he is to progressively get closer until she can, and report back the distance at which she can hear.
The man follows the directions, and that night he yells to his wife from the other side of their house "Honey what's for dinner?".
She did not respond, so he moved into the next room and repeated the process. Hearing no response he moved into the kitchen where she was cooking and repeated "Honey what's for dinner?".
His wife turned to him angrily and said "for the third fucking time, spaghetti!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3lk4/a_man_thinks_his_wife_is_going_deaf/
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In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.

I just feel that they would make a greater impact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3job/in_order_to_promote_progress_i_think_the_next/
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A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London...

As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager to brag, the Texan questioned its construction too. The cabbie replied that it was built in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a month!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.
"Well? What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The annoyed cabbie scratches his head and replied "I haven't the foggiest idea, Sir. It wasn't there yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3iy9/a_texan_was_taking_a_taxi_tour_of_london/
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My wife likes to tell me she is worshipped in india...

She's a fat cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3hrr/my_wife_likes_to_tell_me_she_is_worshipped_in/
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A Texan goes to Australia for vacation...

... while there, he takes a tour with a local guide. While driving around the guide points out a large wheat field. "In Texas, we have wheat fields twice as large!" They then drive past a herd of cattle. "Our long horns are at least twice that large in Texas!" the Texan drawls. The guide is becoming quite irate with the Texan at this point and decides to take a detour. The Texan excitedly points at some kangaroo and shouts "What the hell are those?" "What? You dont have jackrabbits in Texas?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3gt3/a_texan_goes_to_australia_for_vacation/
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first asks, "1 beer please!"
The second asks, "1/2 beer please!"
The third asks, "1/4 beer please!"
The fourth asks, "1/8 beer please!"
And so on. Eventually, the bar tender gets very angry, and slams 2 beers on the counter yelling,
"You mathematicians just don't know your limits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3e5b/an_infinite_number_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a/
%
Slogan for a Sperm Bank Advertisement

"You squeeze it, we freeze it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3cpn/slogan_for_a_sperm_bank_advertisement/
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What type of writing makes the most money?

Ransom notes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3b63/what_type_of_writing_makes_the_most_money/
%
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

But I don't know why...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3a98/im_friends_with_25_letters_of_the_alphabet/
%
Did you know, that we eat more bananas than monkeys?

Last year the UK ate 76,500,000 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e39b9/did_you_know_that_we_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/
%
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian bail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e38jw/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
%
Why did the prostitute get a vagina implanted in her hip?

She wanted to make some money on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e37gy/why_did_the_prostitute_get_a_vagina_implanted_in/
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A Well-Dressed Man Goes Into A Bar

He asks for some 15 year old cognac. The bartender pours and passes a glass, and the man takes a sip. He makes a face, and says "I specifically asked for 15 year old cognac, this is only 12 years old. This will not do."
So he asks for a glass of 21 year old scotch instead. The bartender passes another glass, the man drinks, scowls, and says "This Scotch is only 10 years old, what kind of a fool do you take me for?"
An owlish-looking drunk, sitting in a corner, stands up and offers the man a glass full of amber liquid. The man gamely takes a sip, then sprays it across the bar and shouts "Jesus Christ, that's piss!" "That's right," agrees the drunk, "and how old am I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e36uh/a_welldressed_man_goes_into_a_bar/
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How Do You Break Up With Your Girlfriend?

www.AshleyMadison.com

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e3617/how_do_you_break_up_with_your_girlfriend/
%
The hangover

A guy wakes up with a horrible hangover after a bender. Can barely open his eyes. Head pounding. Stomach churning.
He looks around, and with some relief realizes that he’s at home, in his bed. There’s a glass of water and two aspirins on his night stand, along with a note from his wife: “Darling, breakfast is on the table, I ran out to the store. Eternally yours, your loving wife”.
The guy is more confused than ever. He takes the aspirin and walks out to the living room. The house is spotless. There's fresh flowers in the vase, and his son is quietly watching morning cartoons.
-Son, what happened last night?
-Well dad, you came home drunk, puked in the hallway, peed in the kitchen sink, started singing, and broke a few dishes.
-What happened with mommy?
-Oh, that’s what you’re asking about? When she tried to get you to bed and started pulling off your pants, you yelled “fuck off bitch, I’m MARRIED!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e2xhj/the_hangover/
%
A Texan walks into an Irish pub...

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e2uld/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_pub/
%
A man walks into a bar...

...with a gun, and shouts, "Who fucked my wife, I'm gonna kill him!" Another man at the bar turns around and says "You ain't got enough bullets mate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e2shw/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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The assistant pastor and Tootie Greene.

Recently, a new assistant pastor was hired for the local church. The head pastor told him on his first week to go down to the homeless shelter and work with the less fortunate. So the assistant pastor went down to the shelter with soup and bread. After feeding the people he gave a sermon. Most of the people at the shelter took their food and left, but one woman stayed and listened the entire time. The assistant pastor asked "What's your name, my dear?" "Tootie Greene," she replied, "thank you for the food, but I'm afraid I can't be helped by your words." "Why is that, Tootie?" "Well, you see, I got caught up in all kinds of drugs for years. I lost my family over my addictions, sold everything I had, I even sold my body when I was desperate enough." The assistant pastor saw that this woman meant well. "All can be forgiven, my child. Why don't you come to church this Sunday?" Tootie agreed to come to church that Sunday.
The assistant pastor went back to the church and told the pastor of his work. "There's this woman, Tootie Greene, who I met and will be coming to church this Sunday. I must warn you, pastor, she comes from a rough background of drugs and prostitution." The pastor acknowledged the fact and prepared for Sunday.
Sunday morning comes and the pastor and assistant pastor are standing in the front of the church as the congregation gathers. Suddenly, a woman wearing a short, low-cut dress, high heels, and globs of makeup walks down the aisle and sits front and center, right in front of the pastors. When she sits down she doesn't cross her legs, and spreads them enough that the pastors can see she isn't wearing any underwear. The main pastor turns to the assistant pastor and says, "Is that Tootie Greene?" to which the assistant pastor replies "No sir, I think that's just the way the stained glass is shining on it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e2rum/the_assistant_pastor_and_tootie_greene/
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Why are there fences around graveyards/cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e2nys/why_are_there_fences_around_graveyardscemeteries/
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What type of fossil fuel likes to tell dick jokes?

Crude Oil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e2m1z/what_type_of_fossil_fuel_likes_to_tell_dick_jokes/
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My wife's leaving me because I'm too arrogant.

I told her to close the door on her way back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e2hmx/my_wifes_leaving_me_because_im_too_arrogant/
%
Little Billy sees his Grandpa smoking a cigar.

Billy asks, "hey Grandpa, can I get a puff of that cigar?"
Grandpa replies, "Well Billy, does your penis touch your asshole?"
Billy looks down and says "no, my penis does not touch my asshole."
"well, you can't have a puff of my cigar" says Grandpa.
Later, little Billy sees his Grandpa drinking a beer and asks "Hey Grandpa, can I have a sip of that beer?"
Grandpa once again replies, "Does your penis touch your asshole?"
Billy looks down and says "no my penis does not touch my asshole."
Later, Grandpa sees Billy eating some milk and cookies and asks. "Hey Billy, can I get some of your milk and cookies?"
Billy asks "Well Grandpa, does your penis touch your asshole"
Grandpa replies "Hell yes my penis touches my asshole!"
Billy says "Good, then you can go fuck yourself! These are my milk and cookies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e2ejd/little_billy_sees_his_grandpa_smoking_a_cigar/
%
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e2b4c/my_lesbian_neighbors_gave_me_a_rolex_for_my/
%
A man asks his wife: "Honey, what would you do if we won the lottery?"...

The wife replies: "Well, I would take half and divorce you."
"Oh, that's fine by me" the man replies "because we have won 24 Euro. Here is 12 Euro and now GTFO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e293c/a_man_asks_his_wife_honey_what_would_you_do_if_we/
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What's the difference between a car salesman and a technology salesman?

The car salesman knows he is lying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e27lg/whats_the_difference_between_a_car_salesman_and_a/
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Hanging down

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,  "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over.  "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,  "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan,  "Bert, what's different?  It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled,  "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope.  Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied,  "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.  Shoulda bought a hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e273q/hanging_down/
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What did Sean Connery say when a book from his cupboard fell on him?

I can only blame my shelf.
Shout out to /r/shubreddit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e25d6/what_did_sean_connery_say_when_a_book_from_his/
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Whats the worst thing you could say as a doctor?

I have over 300 confirmed kills

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e23i7/whats_the_worst_thing_you_could_say_as_a_doctor/
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Obama and Putin are walking on the beach.

Obama says "We have got great submarines, they can stay under water for 6 weeks". Putin replies "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for 10 weeks". Suddenly, a submarine emerges and a man sticks his head out and yells "Heil Hitler! Do you have diesel?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e20wl/obama_and_putin_are_walking_on_the_beach/
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Revenge

Little Johnny is walking down the street with his dead frog on a rope.
He goes up to a pimp and asks him for the nastiest whore he has.
Pimp:"why do you want the nastiest whore I have? I have perfectly good whores instead"
Johnny: I'll explain when I'm done
So he goes in and fucks the dirtiest whore in the building and when he comes out the pimp asks him again, "why did you want the nastiest whore in town?'
Johnny: "well, tonight the babysitter will come and she likes little boys, so she'll get the STD I have!"
"And when daddy drives her home he'll want a piece of that and he'll have the STD as well!"
"And when daddy comes home, mommy will want to go at it so she'll have it as well!"
"And when daddy leaves for work tomorrow morning the milkman will come by and mommy will give it to him, and that's the fucker I want 'cause he killed my frog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e1xq8/revenge/
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A man walks into a bar ... (NSFW)

A man walks into a bar with a monkey.
The bartender asks "hey man, whats with the monkey?"
The man replies "watch this!"
The man then slaps the monkey and then the monkey starts blowing him.
"Wow that's pretty cool" says the bartender.
"You wanna try?" asks the man.
The bartender says "yeah sure! ... Just don't slap me so hard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e1x85/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_nsfw/
%
My parents never taught me how to be humble or modest

I'm just naturally incredible at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e1woj/my_parents_never_taught_me_how_to_be_humble_or/
%
Two roses

What's better than two roses on your piano?  Tulips on your organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e1wif/two_roses/
%
What do you get if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip?

Killed in a Parisian tunnel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e1w8b/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_queen_elizabeth_ii/
%
What's the difference between a black man and Batman?

Batman can go into a store without Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e1vpa/whats_the_difference_between_a_black_man_and/
%
What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

Swimming trunks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e1tiq/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_fish_and_an/
%
A crossfiter, a vegan, and an atheist walk into a bar...

I know this because they won't shut up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e1qho/a_crossfiter_a_vegan_and_an_atheist_walk_into_a/
%
My wife is fat.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e18v0/my_wife_is_fat/
%
This one time, I shot a defenseless black guy and got arrested..

For impersonating an officer of the law.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e14sk/this_one_time_i_shot_a_defenseless_black_guy_and/
%
A man invites his friend over to show him his invention [NSFW]

"What is it?" Asks the friend, puzzled.
The man proudly responds: "It's a robot that gives hand jobs! You pull on its ear, and it gives you a hand job. I'll show you."
The man whips out his penis and tugs on the robot's ear. Sure enough, it gives him a hand job.
Turning to his friend, he asks: "Would you like to give it a try?"
-"Sure! Just don't pull too hard on my ear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e13i9/a_man_invites_his_friend_over_to_show_him_his/
%
Yeah, I carry a gun. You got to. You never know when some lunatic is going to come up and say ...

"you're fired."
(c) Dave Attell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e1157/yeah_i_carry_a_gun_you_got_to_you_never_know_when/
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I should start a pizza place called original pizza, abreviated OP and it will only have take out.

OP will not deliver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e0zi2/i_should_start_a_pizza_place_called_original/
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Three knots

Ray, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ‘How am I doing? ‘
The prostitute replies, ‘Well Ray, old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.’ ‘Three knots?’ he asks.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
She says, ‘You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e0y8m/three_knots/
%
What is Donald Trump's favorite flavor of ice cream?

Definitely not Chocolate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e0v37/what_is_donald_trumps_favorite_flavor_of_ice_cream/
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Grandma, what are you doing?!?!?!

A kid just became nine, so he ran to his father's room upstairs and asked: Dad! guess how old I am!!! The dad pretends to think and goes, "hmmm, 9?" The son's like YEA DAD YOU KNOW It!!!! He then runs down to the basement where his grandma is and asks: Grandma guess how old I am! She promptly puts her hand down his pants and starts feeling on his balls. For a good 20 seconds this is happening. After that she goes: are you 9? He's like: Wow how did you know?!?! She says: I heard your dad upstairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e0sou/grandma_what_are_you_doing/
%
How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e0qvg/how_much_room_is_needed_for_fungi_to_grow/
%
It has been said that 25% of people have a distrust of stairs

Because they are always up to something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e0nzn/it_has_been_said_that_25_of_people_have_a/
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What is heavier? 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

The feathers.
Bricks are just bricks. But if you carry 200 pounds of feathers you have carry the weight of what you've done to those poor birds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e0mo7/what_is_heavier_200_pounds_of_bricks_or_200/
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I was born with an extra toe halfway down my leg.

It's neato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e0jos/i_was_born_with_an_extra_toe_halfway_down_my_leg/
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Two blondes fell down a hole

. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e0hcq/two_blondes_fell_down_a_hole/
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A man walks into a bar... (NSFW)

He orders nine shots.
The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"
The man mumbles, "first blowjob."
The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.
The man downs all nine in a row.
The bartender still smiling says,
"hey, make it an even ten. On the house."
The man shakes his head,
"No thanks. If the first nine didn't wash out the taste, I doubt one more would help."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e0egg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_nsfw/
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Fat cow

Teacher is teaching kids
Teacher: what does the chicken give you?
Student: meat!
Teacher: what does the pig give you?
Student: bacon!
Teacher: what does the fat cow give you?
Student: HOMEWORK!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e0dkv/fat_cow/
%
It turns out I'm awesome at sex

I come first every time!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e08pn/it_turns_out_im_awesome_at_sex/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e06ti/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
The font for alphabet soup

Is times new ramen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e06h5/the_font_for_alphabet_soup/
%
How does every black joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e05zr/how_does_every_black_joke_start/
%
Two hunters are out in the woods...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.  He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e05t0/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods/
%
What's the most common career choice among spiders?

Web development

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e0544/whats_the_most_common_career_choice_among_spiders/
%
[NSFW] Why was the Pedophile depressed?

Because he couldn't fit in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e02pu/nsfw_why_was_the_pedophile_depressed/
%
What's better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e02gx/whats_better_than_eating_a_mandarin/
%
Somebody gets stabbed in London every 57 seconds.

Poor bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e01rb/somebody_gets_stabbed_in_london_every_57_seconds/
%
How does Hitler tie his shoes?

In little knotsies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e00l9/how_does_hitler_tie_his_shoes/
%
A penguin's car broke down in the middle of the city.

So he got his car towed to a mechanic's shop and walked to an ice-cream shop to grab a large cone.
After about 20 minutes, he walked back to the mechanic's shop and asked if he knew what the problem was.
"It looks like you blew a seal," said the mechanic.
"No, no, I swear to god it's just ice-cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dzx34/a_penguins_car_broke_down_in_the_middle_of_the/
%
My wife an I were sat watching a documentary about plastic surgery earlier..

"Oo, I'd love a bit of that." She said, dreamily. "It'd be great to step out with a different shaped nose."
So I've swapped the doormat for a rake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dzunh/my_wife_an_i_were_sat_watching_a_documentary/
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A man's dog dies

A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dzuhg/a_mans_dog_dies/
%
A surgeon goes to a bar every day...

He always orders a fruit cocktail, whether it be strawberry or banana.
Eventually, after drinking so many, he gets sick of them, and asks the bartender to surprise him with a new cocktail.
The bartender decides to create a drink out of nuts, and gives it to the surgeon.
The surgeon is amazed at how tasty it is, and asks the bartender, "This is delicious! What is it?"
The bartender replies,
"Hickory daiquiri, doc."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dzu6l/a_surgeon_goes_to_a_bar_every_day/
%
2 interesting facts about me

* 1) My dick is not as big as a footlong at Subway
* 2) I'm no longer allowed in Subway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dzrfo/2_interesting_facts_about_me/
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What's a gambler's favorite time of day?

10 to 1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dzmrl/whats_a_gamblers_favorite_time_of_day/
%
Why didn't the *hipster* save the drowning swimmer?

Because he was in the *mainstream*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dzlwx/why_didnt_the_hipster_save_the_drowning_swimmer/
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When my employer asked if I had a criminal record...

...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dzisr/when_my_employer_asked_if_i_had_a_criminal_record/
%
Do you know why astronomers named the planet "Saturn?"

It just had a nice ring to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dzch5/do_you_know_why_astronomers_named_the_planet/
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Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dzbyi/husband_send_a_text_to_his_wife/
%
The Irishman and the three beers

An Irishman moves to the us, on his first day he goes looking for a bar and finds one he likes once he enters he orders three beers, he drinks the beer, pays and leaves. He keeps doing this for a week then the bartender asks him:
* Sir why do you always drink three beers at once instead of ordering one beer at a time?
To what the Irish answers:
* Well my brothers and I used to have a daily beer back in Ireland and now that live here I drink mine and one for each of my brothers
The bartender leaves the man alone and he becomes a regular going daily for years, everyone who visited the bar knew about the Irishman and his three beers but one day he enters the bar and orders 2 beers, everyone gets quiet and the bartender says:
* I'm sorry for your loss, your brother is in a better place now
To what the Irishman responded:
* My brothers are fine I just quit drinking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dz981/the_irishman_and_the_three_beers/
%
What do you call a bee that lives in America?

USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dz4q1/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_lives_in_america/
%
Anyone know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

You know, besides the taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dz0tv/anyone_know_the_difference_between_an_oral/
%
Grandma, how old are you?

"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.
He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"
"Six" she said.
"And the second?"
Grandma sighed. "Seven."
"And the third?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dyzx2/grandma_how_old_are_you/
%
Why are there so many jumpshots in the WNBA?

Because women can't drive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dyz4o/why_are_there_so_many_jumpshots_in_the_wnba/
%
I was so bored earlier I made a belt out of watches.

It was a complete waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dyvpr/i_was_so_bored_earlier_i_made_a_belt_out_of/
%
In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dytfl/in_a_movie_theater_crowd_watches_a_movie_during/
%
What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dyrrv/what_do_prisoners_use_to_call_each_other/
%
asked my little bro for a couple of chips...

he brought me three, said 2 were a couple and the third was my side chip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dyr64/asked_my_little_bro_for_a_couple_of_chips/
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The Nervous Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the bishop how he had done.
The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his disciples as J. C. and the boys
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dyqyx/the_nervous_priest/
%
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Hitler

Hitler had supporters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dyqew/whats_the_difference_between_donald_trump_and/
%
What is a four-letter word for a woman that ends in "unt"?

Aunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dylw7/what_is_a_fourletter_word_for_a_woman_that_ends/
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What do you call a German with a bad attitude?

A sour Kraut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dykxx/what_do_you_call_a_german_with_a_bad_attitude/
%
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?

he had a reptile dysfunction...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dykud/did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_who_couldnt/
%
I have a new co-worker, who only has seven toes. I instantly hated him.

Turns out I'm lack toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dykr2/i_have_a_new_coworker_who_only_has_seven_toes_i/
%
Did you hear of the old man that died while masturbating?

He had a stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dyjil/did_you_hear_of_the_old_man_that_died_while/
%
I'm trying to quit masturbating

But it's hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dyjfp/im_trying_to_quit_masturbating/
%
I failed my Health and Safety Test today

apparently when they ask what steps you should take in case of a fire, large ones was not the correct answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dyfux/i_failed_my_health_and_safety_test_today/
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I came 2nd in a Fidel Castro look-a-like competition..

close but no cigar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dydh6/i_came_2nd_in_a_fidel_castro_lookalike_competition/
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Swearing Parrot

Did you hear about guy who had a parrot who swore continually. Finally, the guy told the parrot if he didn't clean up his language, he was going to throw him in the freezer. The parrot continued to swear, so the guy did as he had threatened. After a couple of hours the guy let the parrot out of the freezer, asking him if he had learned his lesson. Shivering, the parrot said that he had and wouldn't swear any more. After a few minutes, the parrot told the guy he had one question. The owner told him to ask away. "Well", the parrot asked, "what the heck did the turkey do?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dy5gi/swearing_parrot/
%
A guy walked into a dentist's office...

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"
And the guy says, "Your light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dy565/a_guy_walked_into_a_dentists_office/
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A guest in a posh hotel.......

comes down to breakfast, calls over the head waiter and read from the menu, "I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them slightly under cooked so that it's runny, and one so over cooked that it's tough and hard to eat.
"I'd also like grilled bacon that has been left out so it's a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's tough to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm please."
That's a complicated order sir", said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dy48t/a_guest_in_a_posh_hotel/
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Having a threesome with a mom and daughter

So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this  thought came to mind that if she looks so hot for her age then she must be having a hot looking daughter as well and wish I could have a threesome with them.  So I went to her table and asked her if I could join and to my delight she said yes. I chatted her up and next thing I know we caught a taxi and proceeded to her home. In the taxi I told her about my fantasy of having a threesome with a mother daughter combo and to my delight she felt it was a great idea and so we reached her home and as we entered she let out a shout,"Mom you still awake?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dxueg/having_a_threesome_with_a_mom_and_daughter/
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Emergency

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life-like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before an OPP pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I told him, "Hello, those are my emergency flashers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dxu1y/emergency/
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Election results are coming in from Warsaw

So we’ll soon see who’s leading the Poles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dxsg0/election_results_are_coming_in_from_warsaw/
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I threw a party for all my non-orgasmic friends

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dxqpa/i_threw_a_party_for_all_my_nonorgasmic_friends/
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So, being ironically stupid is funny...

But being an Ironic Sociopathic Murderer is still being a murderer? I'll never get people sometimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dxqmq/so_being_ironically_stupid_is_funny/
%
Which star do the dinosaurs like best?

The one that keeps getting bigger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dxmz3/which_star_do_the_dinosaurs_like_best/
%
What do you get when you cross a Rat and a Mountain Climber?

Nothing, you can't cross a vector by a scalar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dxl65/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_rat_and_a/
%
I went to a prostitute and asked her if I could do her Greek style. "Sure" she said

So I fucked her in the ass and left without paying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dxe2u/i_went_to_a_prostitute_and_asked_her_if_i_could/
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😎The difference between Oo and oO

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.
"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?
""Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
""Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison.................."
😂😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dxc1j/the_difference_between_oo_and_oo/
%
100$ Bill

1st: Why are you late?
2nd: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
1st: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
2nd: No, I was standing on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dx7md/100_bill/
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English Joke - Boy or Girl

1st: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
2nd: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
1st: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
2nd: I'm not. I'm her mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dx6p9/english_joke_boy_or_girl/
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How does one enter a brothel in Westeros?

Through the Hodor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dx5g9/how_does_one_enter_a_brothel_in_westeros/
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Today, I woke up an optimist.

He punched me in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dx3aj/today_i_woke_up_an_optimist/
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What's a trees favorite drink?

Root beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dx2oo/whats_a_trees_favorite_drink/
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What do you call the ghost of a chicken?

A poultry-geist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dx0sl/what_do_you_call_the_ghost_of_a_chicken/
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What do you call a person with..

A phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwzzp/what_do_you_call_a_person_with/
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong sock this morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwzp5/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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So Jesus and Moses go to play golf...

...and its the very first tee off. Jesus says to Moses, "Hey, I think I can make this first shot in one, right over the lake."
"Only Tiger Woods could make that shot." says Moses. So Jesus tries anyway, and his golf ball lands him right in the lake. So Moses parts the water, gives Jesus back his ball, and Jesus tries again.
"I can really do it this time" says Jesus, at which point Moses rolls his eyes..."only tiger woods has made that shot Jesus, I'm not parting the water for you again."
Jesus goes for it, and this time, the golf ball indeed lands straight in the lake. Jesus rolls his eyes, and just decides to walk on the water to retrieve his golf ball.
As he is gliding over the water, some golfers come over the hill and shout "Hey! Look at that guy walking on water! Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ???"
"No," says Moses, "he thinks he's Tiger Woods."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwygf/so_jesus_and_moses_go_to_play_golf/
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, who can swim the English Channel?

Clever Dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwyaq/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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What do you call graveyard shenanigans?

Tombfoolery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwt3n/what_do_you_call_graveyard_shenanigans/
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How many moths does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, but they are literally killing themselves trying.
I was aiming for a little light humour but I think it's actually rather dark because of the amount of death I've witnessed in the writing of this joke.
Written by Drew P. Robertson on July 19th 2015 just in case of any funny business and someone tries to claim credit for my original joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dws7i/how_many_moths_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
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What does the hippie say when you tell him to get off your couch?

Namaste (better to say it aloud)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwpxw/what_does_the_hippie_say_when_you_tell_him_to_get/
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The Stoned Koala and Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says:
"Hey Koala!
What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint."
"Come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala
and they enjoy a large doobie.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry
and he is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the koala, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to see this.
So they walk into the rain forest and find the tree where the koala is sitting, with yet another joint.
He looks up and says, "Hey you!"
The koala looks down at him and says...
"Fu-u-u-u-c-c-k, Dude.......
How much water did you drink?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwp0z/the_stoned_koala_and_lizard/
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There were two friars from Mississippi...

They decided they weren't getting paid enough, but they were peaceful people and didn't want to protest. Instead, they got a second job. They opened a flower shop together.
It was going pretty well, and everybody loved the supposedly blessed flowers, but soon enough the competition got jealous. They claimed that it was illegal to sell the flowers in the name of the Lord.
Being Mississippi, the court sided in favor of the friars and said they could stay open. But the competition was still angry.
They were so angry, in fact, that they hired a thug named Hugh to go "persuade" the friars to close their business. It wasn't even a day before the friars' shop was closed.
It all goes to show, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwn26/there_were_two_friars_from_mississippi/
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They call me the Weatherman when I'm playing basketball

Because I'm never accurate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwmv9/they_call_me_the_weatherman_when_im_playing/
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why can't you fool aborted fetuses?

because they weren't born yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwkmb/why_cant_you_fool_aborted_fetuses/
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I like my slaves like I like my coffee.

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwjjf/i_like_my_slaves_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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What is something that mother giraffes have but no other animal has?

Baby giraffes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwe3e/what_is_something_that_mother_giraffes_have_but/
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A woman goes to the doctor...

The doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?"
She responds, "Every time I sneeze, I orgasm"
The doctor ask, "Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yeah, pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwb4o/a_woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
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My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwaux/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
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My Drug Dealer

I don't even care that my drug dealer's a woman.
She's a real heroine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dw0bx/my_drug_dealer/
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German Mining Company

German miner, "herr supervisor, we're working so many hours and we're so efficient that within a year we will run out of ore to mine."
Mine Supervisor, "this is a problem. A very bad problem."
Miner, "what do you suggest we do?"
Supervisor, "Mein Fuhrer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dvk2h/german_mining_company/
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I gave my girl an orgasm

and she spat it right back in my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dvjp6/i_gave_my_girl_an_orgasm/
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So my girlfriend takes me out to this bar the other night...

... and as we're sitting there, she goes up to the bartender and whispers something in his ear.
"What did you tell him?" I ask her.
"Oh," she says. "I asked him to make you this amazing drink. You have to try it."
So we go to the bar and the bartender puts a shot of Baileys, some salt and a lime in front of me.
The girlfriend says, "Okay, first you have the shot of Baileys but don't swallow it."
That's easy enough. I take the Baileys in my mouth. It tastes kinda nice.
"Now you put the salt in", she says.
All right. I drop a pinch of salt in and it's kinda weird, but it's still manageable. I'm a guy. I can do this.
"Okay, now squeeze the lime in and gulp it down."
So I squeeze the lime and the whole thing curdles in my mouth. As I try not to throw up, girlfriend giving me the look all the time, and I somehow manage to swallow that shit. It tastes disgusting. I try to keep a straight face - I'm a man after all.
"Man! What the fuck do you call that drink?"
"Blowjob Revenge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dvjm6/so_my_girlfriend_takes_me_out_to_this_bar_the/
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What do religion and a penis have in common?

Wave it in someone's face and they'll get mad!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dvi7w/what_do_religion_and_a_penis_have_in_common/
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Little Jimmy wants to be a fighter pilot.

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:    "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Jimmy says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs,    find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana,    a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Jimmy,
decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Jimmy ’s whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dvhqy/little_jimmy_wants_to_be_a_fighter_pilot/
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A pedophile and an 8 year old are walking into the forest..

The kid says to the pedo, "I am scared"
The pedo replies, "You're scared?? I have to walk back alone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dvgea/a_pedophile_and_an_8_year_old_are_walking_into/
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Why didn't the hippie save the drowning swimmer?

He was too far out man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dvdco/why_didnt_the_hippie_save_the_drowning_swimmer/
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My Gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple.

Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dva8x/my_gold_plated_buttplug_business_is_being_sued_by/
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Why are native americans the best strippers?

Because when they dance they make it rain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dv8bp/why_are_native_americans_the_best_strippers/
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So there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides...

So there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.
The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.
The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren’t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.
The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.
..and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dv833/so_theres_a_faroff_place_that_consists_of_a/
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Education is a team effort

There's no 'i' in 'illiteracy'!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dv7eg/education_is_a_team_effort/
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I used to work at an orange juice factory...

I got fired cuz I couldn't concentrate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dv5q6/i_used_to_work_at_an_orange_juice_factory/
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On the bus today, I saw an attractive young woman breastfeeding

Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".
A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...
"Maybe I shouldn't have been masturbating on a bus..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dv2yj/on_the_bus_today_i_saw_an_attractive_young_woman/
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What do you call a broken angle?

A rektangle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dv14h/what_do_you_call_a_broken_angle/
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Gatorade

Most people know Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida for its sports program, but they were not the first Florida school to do so.
Unfortunately no one wanted to buy Seminole Fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dv11k/gatorade/
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My boss said "You're the worst fucking train driver ever,"

"How many trains have you derailed to date?"
I replied "It's hard to keep track."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dv0en/my_boss_said_youre_the_worst_fucking_train_driver/
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Did you hear about the Mexican train robber?

Apparently he had Loco motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3duzjl/did_you_hear_about_the_mexican_train_robber/
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I used to be addicted to soap...

But now I'm clean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3duve0/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
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What does a rotting corpse say?

idk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dusx5/what_does_a_rotting_corpse_say/
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What do a married guy and a single guy have in common?

They both think the other one gets laid more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3duq4z/what_do_a_married_guy_and_a_single_guy_have_in/
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What does your wife/girlfriend want more than anything in the world?

Nothing, she's fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3duoqh/what_does_your_wifegirlfriend_want_more_than/
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What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?

Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dunsv/what_do_you_call_a_crowdsourced_internet_database/
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I was watching the film, 'A Perfect Murder,' with my wife

She told me she was getting scared.
"Is it the storyline?" I asked.
"Not really," she replied. "Stop taking notes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3duljw/i_was_watching_the_film_a_perfect_murder_with_my/
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I got arrested one night while camping...

The policeman said I was loitering within tent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3duk8f/i_got_arrested_one_night_while_camping/
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What did Father Buffalo say to Child Buffalo as he left for school?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dujzg/what_did_father_buffalo_say_to_child_buffalo_as/
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Why was the tomato blushing?

...because he saw the salad dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dujmc/why_was_the_tomato_blushing/
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What do you call a marine who can't swim?

A submarine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dui80/what_do_you_call_a_marine_who_cant_swim/
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Why doesn't a rooster wear underwear?

becuase his peckers on his head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dugwq/why_doesnt_a_rooster_wear_underwear/
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I always get the last word in arguments with my girlfriend.

I just say "Yes ma'am"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dug5m/i_always_get_the_last_word_in_arguments_with_my/
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An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3due8g/an_85yearold_man_had_to_take_a_sperm_count_for/
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You know those couples who are into butt stuff from time to time?

It's only occas-anal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ducjt/you_know_those_couples_who_are_into_butt_stuff/
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Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dualc/somebody_actually_complimented_me_on_my_driving/
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A famous singer sang for patients in a hospital.

He finished with a cheerful greeting:
-Bye-bye , and hope you get better!
-Thanks, you too! replied the patients.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3du9dp/a_famous_singer_sang_for_patients_in_a_hospital/
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Sean Connery was in his private library.

He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3du3h2/sean_connery_was_in_his_private_library/
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Hippocrates and the Prophet

Tiresias, blind prophet of Apollo, once went to Hippocrates with a serious case of depression. In no time, Hippocrates had figured it out -- "Aha!" said he; "an imbalance of black bile!" He bled the excess melancholia into an urn and handed it to the prophet. Tiresias did not see the humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3du2qi/hippocrates_and_the_prophet/
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I didn't like the idea of having a beard

But then it grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dtwn8/i_didnt_like_the_idea_of_having_a_beard/
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So this nun is driving along...

... when suddenly a drunk staggers out into the road in front of her. She skids to a stop, gets out, and scolds him severely,  making several derogatory remarks, and angrily lecturing him on how dangerous he was being. The drunk looks at her for a minute,  then punches her in the face, knocking her out cold.
Standing over her prone form, the drunk grins triumphantly,  and slurs out "Yeah!  Not so tough now, are you Batman?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dtvc5/so_this_nun_is_driving_along/
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I am 20, Male, Dyslexic and love cockporn

with lots of butter of course!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dtrzt/i_am_20_male_dyslexic_and_love_cockporn/
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'Jesus loves you' means one thing in general society.

And something completely different  in prison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dtrlu/jesus_loves_you_means_one_thing_in_general_society/
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I ran out of bread this morning, so I asked my Indian neighbor if he had any

But he said he had naan...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dtn78/i_ran_out_of_bread_this_morning_so_i_asked_my/
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Husband takes the wife to a disco

There's a guy on the dancefloor giving it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says "see that guy?, 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down".
Husband says "looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dtm3o/husband_takes_the_wife_to_a_disco/
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A roman walks into a bar

, holds two fingers up and says "5 beers please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dtku4/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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Four years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dthdi/four_years_ago_i_asked_out_the_girl_of_my_dreams/
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The guys were all at the Camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dtgs6/the_guys_were_all_at_the_camp_no_one_wanted_to/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't gonna come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dtgcc/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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A lawyer calls his largest client to his office for an important meeting

When he arrives, the lawyer says to the wealthy art collector client "I have some good news and some bad news".
The client grumbles "I've had an awful day. Tell me the good news".
"Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today. She believes they are worth at least $3 million".
"Well done!" the tycoon says with a big smile. "Good news indeed! You've made my day. So what's the bad news?"
"The two pictures are of you with your secretary".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dtf01/a_lawyer_calls_his_largest_client_to_his_office/
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Let's go ride our bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dte9z/how_many_kids_with_adhd_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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Can you spare just $2.00?

Can you spare just $2? Djimon is a nine year old boy living in Kenya. He has only one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he has to ride seven miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – it’s fucking hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dtbox/can_you_spare_just_200/
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A company of men is stationed in Korea

Every day, the men gather for morning announcements, which is lead by their captain. "Alpha company, ATTENTION!" The captain yells. "Stevens, I'm sorry, but we received word that your mother has died. That is all." Later that day, the captain is called into the general's office. "Listen captain," the general says, "you can't be so blunt when delivering news like that. You have be more gentle about it." The next week at roll call, more news arrives. "Alpha company, ATTENTION! Garcia, I'm *very sorry*, but your mother has passed away." That night, the captain is called in for another meeting with the general. "That was better, but remember, these kids are losing family members!" The general said. "You need to be more gentle and not as alarming this time." So, the captain thinks about what he's been told and ponders over the best way to handle another such issue. "Alpha company, ATTENTION!" He shouts at the morning announcements a few weeks later. "All men who's mothers are alive, please step forward. NOT SO FAST WILSON!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dt42d/a_company_of_men_is_stationed_in_korea/
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I downloaded corn onto my computer.

It messed up the kernel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dszhp/i_downloaded_corn_onto_my_computer/
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For a tennis player, what is the perfect crime?

Racketeering

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dsttj/for_a_tennis_player_what_is_the_perfect_crime/
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Why are marines who can't swim better?

They defend the ship with way more enthusiasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dsts1/why_are_marines_who_cant_swim_better/
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I asked my German professor...

..."can you tell me how many credit hours of German this school offers?"
She replied, "nine."
"Well, thanks anyways," I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dssck/i_asked_my_german_professor/
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"Name that drink."

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name the kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.
A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."
"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."
So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!"
"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dsnqe/name_that_drink/
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Son: "Dad, the kids at school keep telling me that I'm ugly. Is it true that I'm ugly?"

Father:  (*grinding teeth*) "I fucking told you not to call me *dad* in public."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dsmhy/son_dad_the_kids_at_school_keep_telling_me_that/
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Three construction workers

Danny, Jim, and Will eat lunch together on the top floor of the skyscraper they are working on presently.
Danny opens his lunch box one day and has a turkey sandwich. He doesn't like them, but eats it anyways.
Jim opens his lunch box and has a peanut butter sandwich. He doesn't like them, but eats it anyways.
Will opens his lunch box and has a veggie sandwich. He doesn't like them, but eats it anyways.
Next day, all three open their lunch boxes and have the same lunch as the previous day. All three say that if they get the same sandwich tomorrow, they will jump off the building.
Next day, all three open their lunch boxes and have the same sandwiches. All three jump off the building.
At the funeral, everyone is mourning the loss of the 3 workers. Danny and Jim's wives are crying when they notice Will's wife has a blank stare on her face. They walk over and ask her why she isn't mourning him.
She replies with a confused look on her face, "Will made his own lunches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dslwk/three_construction_workers/
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What do you call a bra that tightens the more you try to take it off?

A booby trap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dslbj/what_do_you_call_a_bra_that_tightens_the_more_you/
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In life, sometimes it's not good to be very specific.

For instance, it's okay to say "I love kids" but it's frowned upon to say "I love 12 year olds."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dsjnd/in_life_sometimes_its_not_good_to_be_very_specific/
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What do you call an owl that does magic?

Hooooooo-dini!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dsjlg/what_do_you_call_an_owl_that_does_magic/
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No evidence is good enough for a Creationist...

But no evidence is good enough for a Creationist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dsj6l/no_evidence_is_good_enough_for_a_creationist/
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It was my five year old daughter's school play last night. I haven't enjoyed myself so much in years!

I didn't go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dshtc/it_was_my_five_year_old_daughters_school_play/
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Once saw a bunch of Nazis saluting in icy precipitation.

It was quite the heil storm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dsaqa/once_saw_a_bunch_of_nazis_saluting_in_icy/
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Love is that really warm feeling that starts from the tips of your fingers and goes towards the bottom of your hand.

Oh no wait that's glove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ds4ti/love_is_that_really_warm_feeling_that_starts_from/
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What's the similarities between Las Vegas and Manchester?

You can pay for the prostitutes using chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ds2ki/whats_the_similarities_between_las_vegas_and/
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Sometimes I want to make a joke about short people

But I don't want to stoop to their level.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ds1cd/sometimes_i_want_to_make_a_joke_about_short_people/
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

'Aye matey"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ds0xe/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
What's green, fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ds0de/whats_green_fuzzy_and_would_kill_you_if_it_fell/
%
Did you hear the one about the pregnant bedbug?

She gave birth in the spring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3drxnl/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_pregnant_bedbug/
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems

when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."  Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"  "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."  "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3drtkx/little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class_doing_math/
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I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said:

"You have reached the end of you free trial membership at BenjaminFranklinQuotes.com."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3drtb6/i_believe_it_was_benjamin_franklin_who_said/
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How do you know a guitarist is sad?

They start to fret.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3drq7h/how_do_you_know_a_guitarist_is_sad/
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How do we know that Greek yogurt's Greek?

Because it's whey strained.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3drpz9/how_do_we_know_that_greek_yogurts_greek/
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I used to hate tumors

But then they grew on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3drk8f/i_used_to_hate_tumors/
%
I really admire what Caitlyn Jenner did

Took some balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3drjpz/i_really_admire_what_caitlyn_jenner_did/
%
Why are pirates funny?

Because they Arrrr
(Yes I know its cheesier than my feet)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3drjj1/why_are_pirates_funny/
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What sound does a horny toad make?

.....rub it rub it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3drj0b/what_sound_does_a_horny_toad_make/
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What street in Paris is well-known for its transvestite community?

The Rue Paul.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3drbj0/what_street_in_paris_is_wellknown_for_its/
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Two white guys and two black guys go into a police station

The white guys come back from the station

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dr975/two_white_guys_and_two_black_guys_go_into_a/
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A dad asks his son...

"What is the 25th letter of the alphabet?"
The son answers, "Y."
"Because I want to know!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dr57d/a_dad_asks_his_son/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute? (NSFW)

You can keep the tip...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dr2yw/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute_nsfw/
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Simba was moving slow

So I told him to mufasa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dr2ar/simba_was_moving_slow/
%
I was gonna make a joke about Sodium and Hydrogen

but NaH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dr0mj/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_about_sodium_and_hydrogen/
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Why can't the bicycle stand on its own?

Because it's two tired

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dqylh/why_cant_the_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
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My son is a real hand full.

I didn't have any tissues handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dquqm/my_son_is_a_real_hand_full/
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What happened to the Guns 'n Roses tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up?

Its axle rose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dqth9/what_happened_to_the_guns_n_roses_tour_bus_when/
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What do you call someone who crashes flying dinosaurs into buildings?

A pterrorist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dqs41/what_do_you_call_someone_who_crashes_flying/
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A kiss makes my day.

Anal makes my hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dqrfc/a_kiss_makes_my_day/
%
Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?

Because he was a mass murderer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dqk8y/why_did_the_physicist_at_the_hadron_collider_get/
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An illusionist was employed to entertain the guests of a cruise ship.

He had a handful of good tricks he performed quite well and because there was a new audience every other week or so, he didn't have to worry about coming up with new ones. The trouble came when the Captain's talking parrot, after watching the same show time and time again, started to figure the tricks out and then proceed to ruin the shows by shouting out loud things like: - There's a mirror on the side of that box! He's hiding the card up his sleeve!  and so on. The illusionist was outraged but could not do anything to the Capitan's beloved pet.One unfortunate night the ship sunk. All that was left was a lifeboat with the parrot on one end, and the illusionist, on the other end, giving the bird occasional spiteful looks. After two days of drifting, during which the parrot wouldn't take his suspecting look off the angry but exhausted man, the bird finally exclaimed: OK, OK, I GIVE UP !!! WHERE IS THE SHIP ???!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dqanb/an_illusionist_was_employed_to_entertain_the/
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What's Sauron's favorite soft drink?

Mountain Dewm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dq9y2/whats_saurons_favorite_soft_drink/
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How can you tell a mechanic recently had sex?

He has 1 clean finger.
src: heard on radio yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dq9ir/how_can_you_tell_a_mechanic_recently_had_sex/
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Two fish in a tank...

One says to the other "how the hell do you drive this thing?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dq6si/two_fish_in_a_tank/
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A Scotsman stumbles out of the bar after closing....

...and promptly passes out on the side of the road. In the wee hours of the morning three nuns pass him. One mutters "Poor soul, let us pray for him." After they pray and are about to leave one nun says "Have you ever wondered exactly what the mystery is? I mean, that is to say, what's under a Scotsman's kilt?" The sisters pause for a moment until one says "Well let's have us a quick peek, nobody will ever know." One sister reaches down, pulls up the kilt, then quickly she puts it down and they begin to scurry off. After a few steps they pause and one sister says "I feel like we've done wrong, let's at least leave a sign so the poor lad knows we were here." They agree this is a good idea and return to the man. One sister lifts the kilt again as another takes a thin piece of blue ribbon she has tucked into her Bible and ties it securely to the Scots' wee man. They scurry off as if having committed a crime.
Later in the morning the Scot wakes to find some discomfort in his groin. He stands up, lifts his kilt, looks at his manhood and says "Aye laddy, I don't know where you've been or what you've done, but you've taken the prize!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dq274/a_scotsman_stumbles_out_of_the_bar_after_closing/
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A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dq0wk/a_british_man_is_visiting_australia/
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Did you know the pope really loves cats?

He's a real catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dq0po/did_you_know_the_pope_really_loves_cats/
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The Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.
He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dpy4u/the_atheist_and_the_bear/
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If I had a dollar for every time someone complimented my hair

I'd be making money in a really weird way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dpxir/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone/
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You know you're drunk when...

...you get home, put food in the microwave, and then enter your pin number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dpv3f/you_know_youre_drunk_when/
%
How did the girl feel after losing her legs?

With her hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dpud9/how_did_the_girl_feel_after_losing_her_legs/
%
Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dppir/why_does_a_milking_stool_only_have_three_legs/
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What says the egg to the boiling water?

It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by a chick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dpmxt/what_says_the_egg_to_the_boiling_water/
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What do you call Stephen Hawking rolling away from an explosion?

Hot wheels
(First joke, hope you like it.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dpmsz/what_do_you_call_stephen_hawking_rolling_away/
%
A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand...

and says, "Make me one with everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dplvy/a_buddhist_monk_approaches_a_hot_dog_stand/
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Smart Boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 packet of butter.
The salesperson, a young boy, said that only full packs were available in the Store,
but the man insisted on buying only 1/2.
So the boy went inside to the manager’s room and said “An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 pack of butter”.
To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him..!
So the boy added immediately, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!”.
After the customer left, the manager said “You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?”
To this the boy said, “I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!”
The manager replied coldly, “My wife is also from Brazil “.
To this the boy asked excitedly, “Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dpij9/smart_boy/
%
Why did the cheeseburger fight the veggie burger?

It had beef.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dpdmd/why_did_the_cheeseburger_fight_the_veggie_burger/
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Watson, Sherlock Holmes's faithful assistant, asked, "What's a ten-letter word meaning 'supplying nourishment'?"

Sherlock replied, "Alimentary, my dear Watson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dp9zh/watson_sherlock_holmess_faithful_assistant_asked/
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You know what really gets my goat?

The Chupacabra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dp7x0/you_know_what_really_gets_my_goat/
%
Egyptian alcoholics are the hardest to talk to.....

They are always in denial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dp7d2/egyptian_alcoholics_are_the_hardest_to_talk_to/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

For attention

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dp76w/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
You have three wishes...but there's a catch

A business man briskly weaves in and out of the morning rush to make it to his building. He breaks right to take a shortcut down a less-traveled alleyway. He kicks a pile of crumpled newspaper out of his path, but his shoe hits a hard and heavy object. Suddenly a gust of wind and a flash of light exposes a beautiful golden lamp as a powerful genie erupts from it.
"You have three wishes. Choose wisely."
"Oh wow this is great! Ok um--"
The genie interupts, "For everything you wish, your mother-in-law receives twice."
A little disappointed, the greedy business man takes another moment to rethink his first wish. But, there was simply no way around it.
"Okay genie, I wish that I was the CEO of my company."
The man's wish is granted, but alas, his already narcissistic mother-in-law is now the CEO of **two** big companies.
Behind a devilish grin the man in the nice suit says, "I wish to have the most beautiful woman as my girlfriend."
Somewhere in another part of the United States, a confused mother-in-law shoos two beautiful lesbians from off her front porch.
Preparing for his last wish, the man takes a few minutes to think things through.
"I've got it, Genie. I want you to beat me half to death." *
\* "I would like to be beaten such that if my mother-in-law were to receive the exact same beating twice, she would die, immediately, from her injuries, but also such that I could easily survive just one of these beatings." /u/Brawldud

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dp5bv/you_have_three_wishesbut_theres_a_catch/
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Sometimes I look down at my cleavage and I'm like, "wow!"

"That's where the rest of that cookie went!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dozxw/sometimes_i_look_down_at_my_cleavage_and_im_like/
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If I had a penny..

for every time a girl asked me out I'd have 5 cents.
She said if I came back a sixth time, she'd call the cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3doz5i/if_i_had_a_penny/
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A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, sued St Pauls Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A Hospital spokesman replied:
Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3doz4x/a_recent_article_in_the_daily_post_reported_that/
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People say you can't compare apples to oranges...

... always seemed like a fruitful comparison to me though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3doyq4/people_say_you_cant_compare_apples_to_oranges/
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I was going to paint my computer black thinking it would run faster...

...but it didn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3douyv/i_was_going_to_paint_my_computer_black_thinking/
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A hole appeared in the wall around the local nudist colony.

Police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dooi4/a_hole_appeared_in_the_wall_around_the_local/
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My friend is a German butcher

He always tells me the wurst jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dol62/my_friend_is_a_german_butcher/
%
God said, "If you come forth, you shall win eternal life."

But Frank came fifth and won a toaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3do7ui/god_said_if_you_come_forth_you_shall_win_eternal/
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The efficient restaurant

A man decides to try a newly opened Italian Restaurant. The waiter brings him to a table, gives him a menu and leaves to get him his drink.
The patron notices as the waiter walks away that he has a spoon in his apron. In fact, all the waiters and waitresses have a spoon in their apron pockets. After a few minutes, the waiter returns with his drink and is about to take his order when the man interrupts,
"What's with the spoons you guys carry around in your aprons?"
The waiter replies,
"Well you see, our restaurant is one of the most efficient restaurants in the state. Statistically, you are ten times more likely to drop your spoon than any other utensil. By carrying one in our apron, we save over 4 hours a week of going to the back for a replacement."
The man, satisfied with the answer, orders a soup and a salad. The waiter returns in no time at all with his soup and salad. As the waiter reaches over to place the food, the man notices something very peculiar. The waiter has a string coming out of his fly. Distracted by this, the man reaches for his spoon only to push it off the table. Statistics prove to be true.
Like a gunslinger, the waiter draws the spare spoon from his hip and gives it to the man. Before he knows it, the waiter is gone.
Halfway through his soup the man gets the waiter's attention after several failed attempts. Discreetly, the man beckons the waiter to come in closer.  The man discreetly alerts the waiter that there is a string stuck in his fly. The waiter then explains,
"Well you see, I have it there intentionally. Us guys, we attach the strings to our... You know... So that when we use the bathroom we can just simply give it a pull and avoid getting our hands dirty. We have saved over 10 hours a week of unnecessary hand washing!"
The man at first satisfied with the answer, puzzlingly asks,
"Okay so I understand how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?"
"I don't know about the other waiters. I use a spoon"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3do6j1/the_efficient_restaurant/
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(NSFW) A Blonde, A Brunette, and a Redhead in an Elevator

There's a blonde, a brunette and a redhead in an elevator, and going up to their floor, they see a white puddle in the corner.
"Hey! That looks like cum," says the redhead.
"Wow, it smells like cum too," says the brunette, putting her face up to it.
The blonde sticks her fingers in it and shoves them in her mouth, and quickly says, "Yup! It's cum, but it's nobody from this building."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3do4qy/nsfw_a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_in_an/
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Pregnancy Cravings...

My parents were recently discussing my pregnant cousin, who has been craving ice cream throughout here pregnancy, so I thought I'd ask my mother what she craved through her pregnancy.
"An abortion" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3do1p0/pregnancy_cravings/
%
how are bi planes different from regular planes?

a lot of them have a wide open cockpit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3do1mj/how_are_bi_planes_different_from_regular_planes/
%
A Jehovah's Witness knocks and a Jews door...

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door
Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "is that what you call him? You know we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dnyay/a_jehovahs_witness_knocks_and_a_jews_door/
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(NSFW) It was a beautiful day on the beach...

It was a beautiful day on the beach and a gay man was enjoying the weather and sights.  Suddenly, he sees a man with the most perfect chest hair that he has ever seen in his life. He works up the courage and asks "Excuse me sir, but how did you get such perfect chest hair?".  The gorgeous man responds, "It's quite simple really, each night before bed I apply a thin layer of Vaseline all over my chest and abs. Give it a few weeks and boom you'll have full coverage." The gay man thanks the beautiful hairy fella and rushes home. That evening the gay man is standing in front of the mirror smearing Vaseline on his chest and stomach when his boyfriend comes home. The boyfriend says "Keith! What the hell are you doing?!?" To which Keith replies and tells him the story of the man with the perfect chest hair. The boyfriend then exclaims, "You've got to be the dumbest faggot I know, because if that were true, you'd have a ponytail two-foot long coming out of your ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dnxh1/nsfw_it_was_a_beautiful_day_on_the_beach/
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Some Muslim extremists just rammed a boat into the Thames Barrier.

Experts believe it's the start of Ramadam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dntur/some_muslim_extremists_just_rammed_a_boat_into/
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A Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," she replies.
"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," and fines her £5.
The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says, "Nice
horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?"
The Policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year, tell Santa the fuckin dick goes under the horse, not on top of it"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dnrz4/a_policeman_on_his_horse_says_to_little_girl_on/
%
Why was Piglet in the bathroom?

He was looking for Pooh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dnrmq/why_was_piglet_in_the_bathroom/
%
Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?

They can never get past the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dnpus/why_cant_irishmen_be_lawyers/
%
My Girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday

So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dno53/my_girlfriend_wanted_me_to_treat_her_like_a/
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What's the best way anyone could pull off a fedora?

Immediately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dnlsz/whats_the_best_way_anyone_could_pull_off_a_fedora/
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I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers

but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dnk9s/i_really_want_to_buy_one_of_those_grocery/
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One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven...

One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.
"What have you done to enter Paradise?" Jesus asks.
"Me?" replies the old man, "not much, I am just a simple carpenter but my son makes me worthy."
"Your son?" asks Jesus
"Yes, my son. He was born under remarkable circumstances and underwent a miraculous transformation. He was loved by many and continues to be loved to this very day. His name will never be forgotten."
Jesus approaches the man and hugs him tightly, "Father!"
The old man hugs him back, "Pinocchio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dngx9/one_day_jesus_is_helping_st_peter_at_the_gates_to/
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Found some gems in my grandpa's old journal, thought r/jokes would appreciate them...

I'll try and transcribe them the way he writes them down, but it is pretty hard since most of them are written in cursive.
Husband got up early Sunday morning to fly a kite. He is having a hard time, kite is going up and down. Wife is watching from the window in her nighty. Finally, she becomes exasperated with his failure. She opens up the window and yells "You need more tail!" The husband says to his neighbor and companion, "If she isn't the damndest woman, I can't understand her. Last night she told me to go fly a kite."
3 bulls gathered to talk. 1st one says I am going to Rome to be a papel bull, 2nd says I am going to wall street to be a bull on the market, 3rd says I am going to stay here for heiffer and heiffer and heiffer.
Older lady admonishes young lady for smoking.
Old lady: "I would rather commit adultery than smoke in public!"
Young lady: "I would too."
Golfer on 2nd tee, another golfer comes out of the woods and asks if he has any toilet paper. 1st golfer says no and plays on. On 3rd tee he is interrupted again by the same man asking for a napkin. He replies no and don't bother me again. Finally, as he is about to tee off on the 4th whole, the man interrupts him mid swing, "Do you have 5 1's for a 5?"
I thought they were funny, but I guess that has to do with my surprise at finding them when I opened up his journal expecting to find a bland accounting of the days events. Nope, entire journal full of jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dndct/found_some_gems_in_my_grandpas_old_journal/
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So I just flashed my hard drive.

Though why showing my computer my schlong is meant to speed it up I'll never know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dnbak/so_i_just_flashed_my_hard_drive/
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Proof that men are logical:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself I ALWAYS smile wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper.
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.
In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449, according to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98, and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that, has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is ARMED!
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dnaj7/proof_that_men_are_logical/
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Why did the race car driver have an upset stomach?

He had "Indy"gestion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dna2j/why_did_the_race_car_driver_have_an_upset_stomach/
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Young King Arthur was ambushed

and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.
The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, the accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...etc ....etc. He
had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for an horrific night, entered the bedroom.
What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch---and don't you forget it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dn7zh/young_king_arthur_was_ambushed/
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One day, while a woodcutter was cutting

the branch of a tree hanging over a river ...
..., his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down a third time and came up with an iron axe. Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" asked the Lord.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is not the truth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord, it is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me.
Lord, I am a poor man, and I'm not able to take care of three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dn6la/one_day_while_a_woodcutter_was_cutting/
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Demons must be obese...

...Because they hate getting exorcised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dmuus/demons_must_be_obese/
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Why did Hitler pass out?

he saw the gas bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dmuqv/why_did_hitler_pass_out/
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The Starbucks in my town just hired a Jewish barista...

He brews.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dmupw/the_starbucks_in_my_town_just_hired_a_jewish/
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TIL several states in the South banned calculus from schools in the 1950's.

Apparently they opposed integration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dmtxq/til_several_states_in_the_south_banned_calculus/
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Several toilets were stolen last night.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dmofu/several_toilets_were_stolen_last_night/
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Our guru told us this joke when my mom told him I got scared by a stray cat at night while taking out the garbage.

There was this one cowardly guy who was scared of many things and once he took a journey to another town. While at it, he came upon a tunnel. He quickly got scared of the tunnel and started to look around for help. He saw a person standing by and asks him for help. The person says he's a guide and you came to right person. So, they enter the tunnel with the guide leading the way. After a while, they came across spiders and the coward got scared. "Don't worry, there are rats upfront. Rats will eat all the spiders" says the guide. The coward with full courage moved forward slowly and after few meters the rats start appearing. "Rats! I'm also scared of rats" said the coward and again the guide comforts him that there is snake upfront and snake will eat all the rats. The coward now has come so far now that he cannot return back so he thought it is better to move forward. Both walk for minutes and suddenly big snakes start crawling. "Snakes! I'm most scared of snakes" said the coward. Again, the guide tries to comfort the coward and says "Don't worry, a bit ahead there are ghost of dead ones. They will kill the snakes." The coward asks " What if the ghosts don't kill the snakes?". Then, the guide says "I don't know. I was eaten by snakes a while ago. So.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dmfmh/our_guru_told_us_this_joke_when_my_mom_told_him_i/
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A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender...

A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender. The guy said his dog could talk and he bet the bartender 1 free drink for him if the dog could answer a question. The bartender says okay because there's know way a dog could talk. The guy asks the dog, "What grows on trees?" "Bark" says the dog. The bartender refuses to give him a drink and makes him ask another question. "What's on top of a house?" asks the man. "Roof" says the dog. Once again, the bartender refuses and makes him ask another question. "What's the best baseball player of all time?" "Ruth" The bartender makes them leave. On the way home the dog asks, "Do you think I should have said Rodriguez?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dmer5/a_guy_and_his_dog_went_into_a_bar_and_made_a_bet/
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What's tinier than a teeny weenie ant?

An ant's teeny weenie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dmefo/whats_tinier_than_a_teeny_weenie_ant/
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: a left ear, a right ear and a front-ear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dmdu3/how_many_ears_does_captain_kirk_have/
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I'd like to tell a joke about pedophiles

but they're fucking immature assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dmdm4/id_like_to_tell_a_joke_about_pedophiles/
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I shouldn't type Reddit posts on my phone.

The autocorrect is my worst enema.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dmbn0/i_shouldnt_type_reddit_posts_on_my_phone/
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Did you see the new clock porno?

It's about fucking time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dma7v/did_you_see_the_new_clock_porno/
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A Very Cold Winter

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' The man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'
This is how stock markets work😜😂🍻

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dm8yq/a_very_cold_winter/
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Where do otters come from?

Otter Space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dm70l/where_do_otters_come_from/
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Why did the Anti vaccinator leave the solar system?

Because he found mercury in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dm6aj/why_did_the_anti_vaccinator_leave_the_solar_system/
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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dm3f8/i_am_is_reportedly_the_shortest_sentence_in_the/
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What did one lonely penis say to the other?

I just want to belong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dm20h/what_did_one_lonely_penis_say_to_the_other/
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A slightly drunk woman.

A slightly drunk woman watches tv and yells "Don't go there! Don't go to the church you dumb bitch!" Her husband asks "What are you watching?..."Our wedding video".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dlyqj/a_slightly_drunk_woman/
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What's black and does not work?

Decaf Coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dlwuj/whats_black_and_does_not_work/
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What do you call a group of eight cowards?

Octopussies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dlw3q/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_eight_cowards/
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What has 9 letters and makes everyone mad?

Clickbait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dlvoy/what_has_9_letters_and_makes_everyone_mad/
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Why did the boy die when a car ran over his finger?

His finger was up his nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dlm2f/why_did_the_boy_die_when_a_car_ran_over_his_finger/
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Fart Football

One night, an elderly couple is sitting in bed. The husband reading while the wife quietly knits. Breaking the silence, the husband leans gently to one side, and unleashes an egregious fart. His wife crumples her face and writhes in near agony next to him, bemoaning the ubiquitous ass mist that was only exentuated by the humid summer evening.
"What the hell was that all about??" The wife cried.
"It's Fart Football!" The husband proudly chirped. "That beauty was worth 6 points." He then grunted whilst clenching his bowels, squeaking out a lone toot. "There's an extra point!"
The wife's disgusted face quickly turned into a coy smile.
"Oh, you call that a fart? That's no fart, THIS is a fart." Enveiling an ass blast reminiscent of Louis Armstrong, the wife vibrated the whole bed with the power of a dozen Nokia cell phones. "Hail Mary touch down!" With no hesitation, she let out a less volumness, but still respectable aftershock. "2 point conversion! Whaddyaknow!"
Now this emasculatory display made the husband none too happy. As the wife sat, arms folded in apparent victory, he conjured up all his strength as he clutched the bed posts for leverage. A lone drop of sweat ran down his nose as he called upon divine strength to secure his man hood. Unerring to his bodily instincts, blinded by the pursuit of honor, his efforts brought him so close, yet so far; he shat the bed.
"What was that???" The wife croaked.
"Half-time, switch sides."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dljau/fart_football/
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Why do white people own so many pets?

They can't own people anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dlij5/why_do_white_people_own_so_many_pets/
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Where in the supermarket would you find the Dalai Lama?

Eggs-aisle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dlfzv/where_in_the_supermarket_would_you_find_the_dalai/
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How many Apple workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to over hype the new lightbulb and one to make sure it breaks within a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dld91/how_many_apple_workers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Apparently a dog whistle in inaudible to the human ear.

Just think, my pet could be sitting in front of me whistling a tune and I can't hear a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dla5i/apparently_a_dog_whistle_in_inaudible_to_the/
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Holly Holly

Once Alex and John go for hunting in forest. Unfortunately they get caught by local tribes and are brought in front of the tribe leader, who says "in order to make our goddess happy, you have to either have sex with Holly Holly or die"
Alex, who doesn't want to die, thinks that Holly Holly would be an ugly fat tribal girl and if he closes his eyes it would be easier to have sex with her. So he says he'd prefer Holly Holly.
The tribal leader commands " Holly Holly - fuck him". From the other side, a gigantic male gorilla comes running towards Alex and fucks him so hard that he is breathless and sweaty. The gorilla fucks Alex for one hour and finally leaves him unconscious with a swollen ass hole that's double in size.
Now it's the turn of John, who sees the dreadful fate of Alex. He thinks that it's better to die respectfully than to get fucked by Holly Holly. So he tells the tribal leader that he wants to die.
The tribal leader is very happy and commands "Holly Holly - fuck him till he is dead"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dl4r5/holly_holly/
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What does the mafia and a girls pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dkz1l/what_does_the_mafia_and_a_girls_pussy_have_in/
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Dumbass Miner

There were two miners were working in a mine. On top there is an office.
Miner A asks Miner B: Why do we have to work in these dirty mines while those guys up there sit in an fully air-conditioned office in their fancy chairs and expensive computers.
Miner B: Because they are smarter than us.
Miner A: What do you mean?
Miner B: Here let me show you
Miner B puts his hand on a rock and says : hit my hand as hard as you can.
Miner B moves his hand as Miner A punches, Miner A hits the bare hard rock and recoils in pain.
Miner B: Do you see now?
Miner A goes home to his wife and says: Honey, i know why i work in the mines while other guys work in offices
Wife: Why?
Miner A puts his hand on his face and says: hit my hand as hard as you can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dkot8/dumbass_miner/
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The Island Castaway

A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation.   He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life...   until the boat sank!   He found himself on an island with no other people,   no supplies,   nothing,   only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months,   he is lying on the beach one day,   when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.   In disbelief,   he asks her,   "Where did you come from?   How did you get here?"
She replies,   "I rowed from the other side of the island.   I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing,"   he says.   "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh,   this?"   replies the woman.   "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island.   The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.   I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But,   where did you get the tools?"
"Oh,   that was no problem,"   replied the woman.   "On the south side of the island,   a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.   I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln,   it melted into forgeable,   conductile iron.   I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place,"   she says.   After a few minutes of rowing,   she docks the boat at a small wharf.   As the man looks to shore,   he nearly falls out off the boat.   Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.   While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,   the man can only stare ahead,   dumb struck.
As they walk into the house,   she says casually,   "It's not much,   but I call it home sit down,   please.   Would you like a drink?"
"No.   No thank you,"   he says,   still dazed.   "Can't take any more coconut juice."   "It's not coconut juice,"   the woman replies.   "I have a still.   How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement,   the man accepts,   and they sit down on her couch to talk.   After they have exchanged their stories,   the woman announces,   "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.   Would you like to take a shower and shave?   There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything,   the man goes into the bathroom.   There,   in the cabinet,   is a razor made from a bone handle.   Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing,"   he muses.   "What next?"
When he returns,   she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned,   and smelling faintly of gardenias.   She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me,"   she begins suggestively,   slithering closer to him,   "We've been out here for a really long time.   You've been lonely.   There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,   something you've been longing for all these months?"   She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.   "You mean..."   he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...   ".....   I can check my e-mail from here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dkmaq/the_island_castaway/
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What do nosy peppers do?

They get jalapeño business. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dklek/what_do_nosy_peppers_do/
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Q: Why are all black people fast?

A: Because the slow ones are in jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dkl45/q_why_are_all_black_people_fast/
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Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dkkl8/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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What is the loneliest bayou in Louisiana?

Bayou self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dkkiq/what_is_the_loneliest_bayou_in_louisiana/
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99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code

Take one down, patch it around, 126 bugs in the code

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dkjqd/99_bugs_in_the_code_99_bugs_in_the_code/
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What does Rolf Harris like to play with on the piano?

A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dkfi5/what_does_rolf_harris_like_to_play_with_on_the/
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My wife said I'm just like Pluto

I have a very cold heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dkd5y/my_wife_said_im_just_like_pluto/
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A man and his wife

are shopping at the local grocery store. The man picks up a 12 pack of beer and carries it up to his wife.
His wife turns to him and says "how much does that 12 pack of beer cost?"
The man says " $15.99"
"$15.99!?" the woman exclaims
"that is way too much money, go put it back on the shelf."
The man begrudgingly walks across the store and puts the beer back on the self and goes to find his wife in the cosmetics department.
The man notices a case of makeup in her hand and asks "what do you need that makeup for?"
To which the woman replies, "This makeup is how I make myself beautiful for you, it's something that I need."
The man asks "Well how much does that makeup cost?"
The woman replies "It's $30.00"
The man turns to her and says "Put it back, I'm going to go grab that 12 pack of beer, it's cheaper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dkcn4/a_man_and_his_wife/
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Gorilla needed mate

A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. In a desperate hope to solve the problem, the Zoo Keeper approached a local redneck, Bobby Lee with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dkbie/gorilla_needed_mate/
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I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th...

Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dkaos/i_celebrate_420_on_january_5th/
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A man walks in a bar with his dog...

....and the bartender warns him: “I'm sorry pal, you can't bring your dog in.”
The man thinks for a while and says: “Oh, this is just my seeing-eye dog. I'd better not split up with him”.
The bartender says OK and the man enjoys a few beers. Then he goes out and sees another man also trying to get in with his dog. He advises him: “If you tell them it's your seeing-eye dog they let your dog in.”
The man politely thanks him and gets in. And of course, the bartender warns him not to bring the dog in. The man replies: “Oh, don't mind him, he's just my seeing-eye dog.”
The bartender suspiciously says: “Buddy, I'm pretty sure they do not train a chihuahua to be a seeing-eye dog.”
The man stops for a few seconds, then shouts: “What?! The fucker gave me a chihuahua?!”
(Shamelessly taken from the book: Plato and Platypus walk into a Bar)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dkala/a_man_walks_in_a_bar_with_his_dog/
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My highest test grade I'll always be proud of is my blood test...

A+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dk9fl/my_highest_test_grade_ill_always_be_proud_of_is/
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Never Marry A Tennis Player

Love means nothing to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dk8q0/never_marry_a_tennis_player/
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The old west..A cowboy was captured by Indians.

The chief of the tribe ruled against the cowboy for killing a member of the tribe. The chief states "You're granted a last request"
The cowboy responds "Let me send my horse out and kill me when he returns"
Chief signals for the horse and the cowboy whispered into its ear. The horse runs off.
The following day the horse returns with a cart full of ladies of the night. There was much celebration.
The chief asked the cowboy "Why?"
The cowboy responds "Bring me my horse"
The chief signals for the horse.
The cowboy walks to the side of the horse and kicks it square in the nuts.
Cowboy yells
"Stupid!  I said posse, not pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dk8ne/the_old_westa_cowboy_was_captured_by_indians/
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A man goes to the doctor for a checkup...

...and the doctor says:
"I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"
"Give me the good news," says the man.
"You have twenty four hours to live."
"What?" says the man. "If that's the good news, what's the bad news?"
"I should have told you yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dk7te/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_checkup/
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An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are on vacation in Las Vegas...

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks again, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.
Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?”
Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new boots!”
To which Bessie replies, “Should have bought a hat, Sam.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dk6sp/an_elderly_couple_sam_and_bessie_are_on_vacation/
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Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I" - Funny Joke

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dk6j5/tell_me_a_sentence_that_starts_with_an_i_funny/
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What do kinky ghosts enjoy?

Boo-kake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dk5ym/what_do_kinky_ghosts_enjoy/
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a guy goes to the doctor for a physical

the doctor takes a quick look at him and says "sir, you have to stop masturbating!"
"why, what's wrong!?" the man replies.
the doctor says "because, i'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dk482/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_physical/
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I met a girl with 12 nipples today...

Sounds fun. Dozen Tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dk2zk/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples_today/
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My wife is an angel.

Bob and Harry are fishing one day....
Bob.... "How's your wife been?"
Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours?"
Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dk2dk/my_wife_is_an_angel/
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What do you call a whale with erectile dysfunction?

Mopey Dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3djxx3/what_do_you_call_a_whale_with_erectile_dysfunction/
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What do you call a man who cuts down trees?

A tree feller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3djv7o/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_cuts_down_trees/
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I find that most women are like roller coasters...

They won't let me on them because I'm too fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3djs99/i_find_that_most_women_are_like_roller_coasters/
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What do you call a pile of cats?

A Meowtain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3djqns/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_cats/
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Who was the best boxer of all time?

Jim Jones, I heard he took out 909 people with one punch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3djopo/who_was_the_best_boxer_of_all_time/
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What do you call the people that always are around musicians?

bass players.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3djo5e/what_do_you_call_the_people_that_always_are/
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Once you stop doing functional programming...

You never return

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3djjvu/once_you_stop_doing_functional_programming/
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Did you hear the one about the man who panicked when his friend started to drown?

He didn't know water do...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dji2t/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_man_who_panicked/
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3 viagra

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says he needs 3 Viagra right away. The doctor asks why he needs 3 and the guy says "well my ex wife is coming over this morning, my wife will be home this afternoon, and I'm seeing my girlfriend tonight." The doctor agrees to give him 3, but says "I want to see you first thing tomorrow morning to do a checkup, no matter what."
So the next morning the guy walks into the doctor's office with an ace bandage on his wrist and a sling on his arm. The doctor asks the man, "What happened?!". The man replies "none of them showed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3djany/3_viagra/
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My Grandfather...

My grandfather covered himself in lard a month before his death...
After that he went downhill very quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3djaee/my_grandfather/
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What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River?

The Amazon River actually has sails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3djac4/whats_the_difference_between_amazon_prime_and_the/
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A dog named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dj6nd/a_dog_named_sex/
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If someone asked me to choose my favorite body part...

I'd pick my nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dj2oz/if_someone_asked_me_to_choose_my_favorite_body/
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I was addicted to the hokey pokey...

But I turned myself around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dizzp/i_was_addicted_to_the_hokey_pokey/
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Some people are really tired after abortions...

It's like they got life sucked out of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dizug/some_people_are_really_tired_after_abortions/
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How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3diy7p/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What do you call a deer...

without eyes?
No eye deer.
without eyes or legs?
Still no eye deer.
without eyes, legs, or genitalia?
Still no fucking eye deer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3diteb/what_do_you_call_a_deer/
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They say 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile..

But not me. I live next to two really hot 9 year olds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dit5p/they_say_2_out_of_3_people_live_next_to_a/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman

All work on a high rise building site together.
One lunchtime while sat high up on the building the Englishman opens his sandwich and exclaims "Ham, fucking ham again. If I get ham in my sandwiches again tomorrow I'm gonna jump!"
The Scotsman opens his sandwich; "Haggis, fucking haggis. If I get haggis in my sandwiches again tomorrow im gonna jump!"
The Irishman opens his sandwich; "Potato, fucking potato. If i get potato in my sandwiches again tomorrow I'm gonna jump!"
The next day the Englishman opens his lunch box to find ham sandwiches. "Right that is lads I'm off" he shouts and jumps to his death.
The Scotsman opens his and sure enough its Haggis, and follows the Englishman to his death.
The Irishman opens his and sure enough its Potato and follows the other two.
A few days later at the funeral for them the English wife says "If only he told me he wanted something different then I would have made him something else." The Scottish wife says the same.
The Irish wife exclaims "I wouldn't mind but he made his own fucking lunch!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dio4h/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman/
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How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero?

3, 2 to die and 1 to never get over it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dijwv/how_many_billionaires_does_it_take_to_make_a/
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What did one orphan say to the other?

"Get in the Batmobile Robin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dijop/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his butt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dihii/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_dumping_his/
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A man enters a library

A man goes to the library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian responds "Fuck off, you're not gonna bring it back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dihfl/a_man_enters_a_library/
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What is the smartest fruit?

It's the orange, BOY CAN IT CONCENTRATE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3didff/what_is_the_smartest_fruit/
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Facebook..in real life...

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night.  Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.
I already have 3 persons following me:  2 police officers and a psychiatrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3di4e1/facebookin_real_life/
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Mark the Spot

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught thirty fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3di3im/mark_the_spot/
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TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3di2v3/til_after_pearl_harbor_us_warships_fired_upon/
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A man goes to the dentist...

... to have some teeth pulled out. As the dentist is preparing a shot of Novocaine, the man freaks out. "Doc, I'm deathly afraid of needles. Do you have anything else?"
The dentist obliges him and prepares some laughing gas. As the dentist is about to put the mask over the man's face, the man freaks out again. "Doc, I am extremely claustrophobic and can't stand having anything over my face. Don't you have *anything* else?"
The dentist, frustrated at this point, goes into his office and comes back with a little blue pill. He tells the man, "Here take this." The man, confused at this point, asks "Why do I need Viagra?"
The dentist replies, "This is going to hurt, so I'm giving you something to grab onto"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3di03e/a_man_goes_to_the_dentist/
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dhzo2/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_was/
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Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?

It was an udder disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dhwn9/did_you_hear_about_the_cow_who_tried_to_jump_over/
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What are the advanteges of a long distance relationship?

All four people are happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dhtyg/what_are_the_advanteges_of_a_long_distance/
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What do you call someone who dyes thier hair red?

Trans-ginger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dhrko/what_do_you_call_someone_who_dyes_thier_hair_red/
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Shit Post

In a packed auditorium,  a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum.
Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down.  He said "SHIT"...
It took 3 Days to clean the auditorium..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dhnms/shit_post/
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Karma hits you in the face

Three women dies for some unknown reason, they dont know each other. We can call them Sara, Jenna and Robyn.
Before they can enter heaven, they needed to answer a simple question asked by God.
Sara was the first in line, God asked her: How many times have you cheated?
Sara looked at God and answers: I've cheated 4 times.
God Answers: Here in heaven you get to drive a Volvo from year 92. Sara jumps in the car and drove away.
Next up was Jenna.
God asked her: How many times have you cheated?
Jenna looks at God and answers: I've cheated 2 times.
God Answers: Only two? That's impressive. Here, take this brand new BMW. Jenna jumps in her brand new BMW and drives away.
Last was Robyn, she walks up to God and got the same question. How many times have you cheated?
Robyn answers: I've never cheated in my entire life. I have always loved my husband more then life it self.
God looks at Robyn: Is that true? Robyn: I swear, I have always been faithful.
God replies: Because you have been such a good wife, here have this brand new Ferrari. Robyn, with all her joy jumps in the Ferrari and drives away.
The next day Sara was driving her Volvo and came to a red light, she was going to drive left all of a sudden Robyn shows  up crying and all in her new ferrari.
Sara ask her: What's wrong? How can you be so sad driving that Ferrari?
Robyn looks at her and explains: I just saw my husband on a bicycle.........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dhmxk/karma_hits_you_in_the_face/
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What do you call tree porn?

Entai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dhlt9/what_do_you_call_tree_porn/
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A hunter sat in a bar.

A hunter walks into a bar, bragging that he can recognize any kind of animal skin by touch alone. When no one seems impressed he adds that he's also able to identify the exact weapon used to kill the animal.
This intrigues the other guests and they decide to put his boast to the test. After wagering him a beer for every correct answer, they blindfold the hunter and start handing him animal skins.
The Hunter lets his fingers brush the fur gently. "Lion. Shot with a 30 caliber." He exclaims." The crowd is amazed and pushes another skin in his hand. The Hunter frowns. "Rabbit. Choked in a trap." The evening progresses and the hunter ends up completely drunk. While staggering home he keeps mumbling about animals and weapons to himself. Finally he arrives back home and gets into bed.
When he wakes up the next morning, completely hung over, he notices that he has a shiner of a black eye. Confused he turns to his wife asking what happened to him, since he's sure he was fine when he got into bed.
His wife gives him a dirty look. "You came home drunk as a skunk yesterday. And when you finally found your way into bed, you shoved your hand in my panties and exclaimed: 'Beaver. Killed with an axe'"
Thanks /u/mandaquila for cleaning it up and fixing the grammar. I still insist it was a badger!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dhjtg/a_hunter_sat_in_a_bar/
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An angel walks in to God's office while He's creating the world...

and sees God drawing on his notepad a roundish thing with two eyes, a nose and a mouth. The angel says "Hi God, what are you doing?"
"I'm working on the human being," says God,
"But that's not due until the sixth day, today's only the third!"
"I know, I'm just planning a head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dhjs7/an_angel_walks_in_to_gods_office_while_hes/
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"Cat dead."

While sunning himself in the Bahamas, a wealthy English businessman received a telegram from his butler, which read simply: "Cat dead."
Distraught at the loss of his beloved pet, the businessman cut short his holiday and returned home. After giving the cat a decent burial in the garden, he remonstrated with his butler for the cold-hearted nature of the telegram.
"You should break bad news gently," he said. "If I had been telling you that your cat had died, I would have sent a telegram saying: "The cat's on the roof and can't get down." Then a few hours later I would have sent another telegram, saying: "The cat's fallen off the roof and is badly hurt." Finally, a couple of hours after that, I would have sent a third telegram, saying: "The cat had sadly passed away." That way, you would have been gradually prepared for the bad news and would have been able to deal with it better."
"I understand, sir," said the butler. "I will bear that in mind in future."
With that, the businessman booked another ticket to the Bahamas and resumed his holiday.
Two days later, he received another telegram from his butler. It read: "Your mother's on the roof and can't get down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dhj3p/cat_dead/
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Caitlyn Jenner receives ESPY Arthur Ashe Award for Courage

Courage? More like a lack of balls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dhi2g/caitlyn_jenner_receives_espy_arthur_ashe_award/
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How do Mexicans cut their pizza?

With Little Caesars!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dhced/how_do_mexicans_cut_their_pizza/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

Because his wife is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dhbev/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_bottles/
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I asked a Jewish girl for her number.

She rolled up her sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dh881/i_asked_a_jewish_girl_for_her_number/
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My ex broke up with me because she wanted a man with a 9inch penis :(...

... and there was no way I was cutting two inches off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dh7on/my_ex_broke_up_with_me_because_she_wanted_a_man/
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Peter told his father that he had sex.

One day, peter came back from school and told his dad that he had sex with his teacher.
His father confused yet proudly said 'Peter... I didn't get laid until I was 17 and now you're only 15! How did you pull that off?'
'I guess it was just luck..' Peter muttered.
'Don't be so humble son, you know what? I'm going to get you a present, something that you would really really like. That road bike that you really wanted, remember?' Peter's father continued.
'But dad, my butt still hurts.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dh2ls/peter_told_his_father_that_he_had_sex/
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Sex education

One day a little boy comes home from school. The boy goes in his house And the father asks
Father- what did you do in school today son?
Son- uhm, today we learned about girls parts, boys parts, and how they work
Father- oh.. Well.. Do you have any questions?
Son- uhmmm.. What does a vagina look like?
Father- well son before sex a vagina looks like a beautiful rose blooming in the spring
Son- what about after sex?
Father- have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dh2j4/sex_education/
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My father's favorite joke when I was growing up (NSFW)

A little boy goes to his father on his birthday and says "Daddy, I want a tricycle".  His father looks at him and asks, "Son, can the tip of your dick reach your asshole?".  The little boy, confused, says "no" and his father says, "Well, then you can't have a tricycle".
A few years pass and the boy is turning ten.  He approaches his fathers and asks, "Dad, Can I have a 10 speed?" and again his father asks him, "Can the tip of your dick reach your asshole".  The boy answers "no" and again his father refuses.
A few more years pass and the boy turns sixteen.  On his birthday he goes to his father and asks, "Dad, will you buy me a car?".  The father stares at his son for a second and asks, "Can the tip of your dick reach your asshole?".  Having gone through puberty and expecting the question the boy looks at his father full of confidence and says, "yes dad, yes it can!"
"Then go fuck yourself"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dh1lr/my_fathers_favorite_joke_when_i_was_growing_up/
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A trucker walks into a diner and orders a sandwich.

After a few minutes he gets his order and starts eating quietly, bothering nobody.
Three bikers enter the diner and the smallest one walks over to the trucker's table and picks up his sandwich and takes a big, drooling bite. The whole time he chews he just stares down, mean and ugly, at the trucker, grinning like a bastard.
The trucker puts his napkin down, stands up and walks out the front door without a word.
The other two bikers are laughing uproariously and the biggest one says, "Not much of a fighter, was he?"
"He's not much of a trucker either," says the waiter. "He just ran over three motorcycles while pulling onto the freeway!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dh0lm/a_trucker_walks_into_a_diner_and_orders_a_sandwich/
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I have sex daily.

I mean dyslexia.
Fcuk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dh0bc/i_have_sex_daily/
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Why'd the farmer win the lifetime achievement award?

Because he was always out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dgyxt/whyd_the_farmer_win_the_lifetime_achievement_award/
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Two Christians crash an airplane in the middle east...

and landed in the desert. Miraculously, they both survived with minor injuries, so they sent off a signal flare and began rationing their emergency supplies. The food was eaten by the end of the first week, and the water lasted until the end of the second. But they continued weathering the hot days and cool nights, never for one second giving up hope. Almost three weeks passed, and they saw a caravan of jeeps over the horizon.
They turned to each other, waiving excitedly. But one of the christian men corrects himself  and a worried look rushed over his face. "Oh crap", he said. "These guys are probably muslim!"
His friend rolled his eyes. "We're in the middle east, Jim. You're probably right. What's your point?"
And Jim, in a huff, replied "Well, I just think I should tell them I'm Muslim too. Because, well, you know how these people are. Don't you, Ben?"
But before any reply could be made, the convoy of jeeps arrived at the wreckage. An older man wearing a traditional thawb and dark sunglasses stepped out of one of the jeeps and inspected the men standing before the remnants of the plane.
"My friends", he said in a heavy accent. "We saw the flare and spent many nights searching the desert for you."
The two Christian men nodded nervously between each other, then back to the man in the thawb.
"We will take you back to our city and make sure you are taken care of. But all I ask is that you identify yourself, so that we may greet you as friends."
"My name is Mohammad", said Jim. "And I'm a Muslim."
And the man in the thawb nodded solemnly, adjusting his glasses away from the desert sun.
"And my name is Ben", said Ben. "And I'm Christian."
And the man in the thawb again nodded solemly. "Ben, my friend: you have been through so much hardship over these last three weeks. We shall take you back to our city, where we will give you all the food and water that you need!"
The man in the thawb then turned to Jim, again adjusting his sunglasses. "And Mohammad, my Muslim brother: welcome to Rammadan!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dgxik/two_christians_crash_an_airplane_in_the_middle/
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Why Did it Take so Long to Legalize Gay Marriage?

Because their priorities weren't straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dgvx6/why_did_it_take_so_long_to_legalize_gay_marriage/
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I just put my D in a subwoofer

and wubbed one out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dgtiz/i_just_put_my_d_in_a_subwoofer/
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A chicken walks into a library...

And says, "book." The librarian gives the chicken a book and the chicken leaves. The next day, same thing, chicken comes in, says, "book," and returns without the book. This continues for a few days until the librarian has had enough, he decides to follow the chicken, and to his surprise, the chicken has been taking the books to this huge stack of books with a frog sitting in front. When the chicken arrived, he says, "book," to which the frog says, "readit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dgrx0/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
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Old people kept poking me at weddings and saying "You are next"

So at funerals I do the same to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dgoir/old_people_kept_poking_me_at_weddings_and_saying/
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The neighbors (I've only heard it told in Russian but don't know if it's originally Russian)

Yuriy is walking along the sidewalk one day when he notices posters advertising a competition for the whole town.  The contestants have to swim across a river which no one has ever crossed before due to extreme rapids and plant the town's coat of arms in order to impress incoming administrative officials. The poster also states that the winner will receive anything that he or she desires. As Yuriy stares at the poster he daydreams about all of the riches, women, and alcohol he'll indulge in.  This allows him to muster up the courage and sign up for the contest.
Anton, Yuriy's neighbor, sees the same poster and daydreams about everything he can have that his neighbor can't.  "Surely, this will drive him mad and I can get rid of him once and for all".
When the competition begins and Yuriy swims furiously, Anton, seeing his neighbor in front of him also gives it his all.  Both neighbors are the only two that cross the river with Yuriy finishing in first place and Anton in second.
"I congratulate you both," says the mayor, "now for the final prize I will give the winner anything he wants BUT the second place will get double of whatever first place gets."
Shocked Yuriy glares at his neighbor and thinks to himself, "if I get one million dollars then Anton will get two, if I get a mansion, he'll get one twice as big!"  After thinking intently, Yuriy looks at the mayor, looks at Anton, and says "take out one of my eyes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dgh9j/the_neighbors_ive_only_heard_it_told_in_russian/
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A math teacher begs a simple question..

"There are three birds sitting on a branch... If you shoot one of them with a rifle. How many birds would be left?" Asks the teacher.
Johnny, considering himself quite the intelligent one, offers his answer: "well, ms.teacher... If you shoot a bird with a rifle... The loud gunfire would scare all the birds away and surely you would be left with none.."
The impressed teacher tells Johnny: "That's not quite what I was getting at. You would be left with 2 birds, but I really like the way you think..."
So Johnny retorts: "Ok teach' I have a question for you... There are three women sitting on a park bench under that very tree enjoying popsicles. One is biting, the other is licking, and the last one is sucking. Which one of them are married?"
The teacher turns beat red and tries her best to answer the question.. "I guess it would be the one that's sucking..."
To which Johnny replies "that's not quite what I was getting at. It would be the one with a wedding band, but I reaaaalllly like the way you think!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dggkw/a_math_teacher_begs_a_simple_question/
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Three Biker's and a Drunk

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.  A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.  The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked.  Man, she is fine!"  The biker looked at him and didn't say a word.  His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing.  His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dgdi5/three_bikers_and_a_drunk/
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Never call a woman fat

An elephant never forgets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dg844/never_call_a_woman_fat/
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Your momma so fat..

she sat on the library and invented the kindle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dg7re/your_momma_so_fat/
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A man parks his car on the street and goes into a shop....

...When he comes out, the car is not where he left it and apparently was stolen. So he calls the police and hopelessly goes back home. Two days later, he finds his car at his front door, with a note left in:
“I am very sorry but I had to borrow your car, because my wife was in labor and about to give birth and I had to act quickly. I deeply apologize and send these front-row concert tickets for you and your wife to enjoy this tuesday evening.”
So the man and his wife go to the concert tuesday evening. When they return home, they realize someone broke in and the house was burgled. And a note was left on the floor: “Soo, did you like the concert? ”
Sorry for the terrible grammar :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dg64t/a_man_parks_his_car_on_the_street_and_goes_into_a/
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What did the Ukrainian say to the whiny American?

Crimea River.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dg5md/what_did_the_ukrainian_say_to_the_whiny_american/
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How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW!!! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dg0xq/how_many_vietnam_vets_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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How does the KKK celebrate gay pride?

With a LGBBQ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dfxpe/how_does_the_kkk_celebrate_gay_pride/
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The Ambassador to England

Just after the war of 1812, an ambassador to England from the United States had been dispatched in order to maintain the peace with the English. The diplomat was invited to a formal dinner with many important members of the English Government as they discussed peace talks and opening diplomacy.
In the middle of the dinner, the diplomat excused himself to go to the outhouse. In the outhouse, he found a painting of George Washington hanging there.
Upon his return to the dinner, a few of the more impish guests remarked.
"So, how do you like that painting? And where it is hanging?"
"Oh I think it's wonderful! It's perfect!" The diplomat replied.
Obviously taken back by this, the pranksters fell silent as they all looked at the American.
"I mean, good sirs, what else can make an Englishman shit himself faster than the sight of George Washington?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dfxg7/the_ambassador_to_england/
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What's the difference between a tribe of pygmy cannibals and the girls cross country team?

The pygmy cannibals are cunning runts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dfwxa/whats_the_difference_between_a_tribe_of_pygmy/
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One-night stand at first, but ended up happening again...

I mean, they're just so cheap at Ikea, so I had to go back to get another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dftwb/onenight_stand_at_first_but_ended_up_happening/
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The fact that there's a highway to hell

and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about the expected traffic load.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dftq8/the_fact_that_theres_a_highway_to_hell/
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Voodo Dick

A bit long, but worth it.
A husband is travelling abroad on a business meeting in a couple of days, and worried that his wife is going to cheat on him, he decides he wants to buy something spicy for her to enjoy while he is away, so she wont need other men to satisfy her needs.
He visits the nearest sex shop, and after looking at different goods, the store owner comes over. He asks the husband what he is looking for, and the husband tells him why hes there. The store owner tells the husband to come out back, where he has something truly special for his wife: a voodo dick.
The husband, curious of course, asks whats so special about this dildo, and the store owner explains:
"This is a magical dildo. Use the codeword voodo dick, and give it a location, and see what happens."
The husband looks a bit suspicious at the owner, but says:
"Voodo dick, keyhole".
The voodo dick flies into the air, and starts ramming the keyhole over and over. The husband, thrilled with this new fantastic sextoy, pays the store owner and runs back home to show his wife this fantastic invention. She is, of course, ecstatic over this new purchase, and as soon as her husband has gone to the airport, she tells the vodoo dick to help her out.
After several amazing orgasms, she figures out its enough. But she does not know how to make it stop. After several attempts to tell it to stop, she tries to call the ambulance, but her constant orgasms are making it impossible to speak correctly. She humps out to her car, gets in, and steps on the gas, heading for the hospital.
On the way to the hospital, she sees a couple of blue lights in her rear view mirror, and cursing and moaning at the same time, she pull her car over. An officer comes over, and she desperately tries to explain her self:
"My husband bought a voodo dick for me and I cant make it stop and I need to get to the hospital in a hurry, please, Officer!"
After looking at the woman for a couple of seconds, the police officer replies:
"Voodo dick my ass"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dfoul/voodo_dick/
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What is the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dfntw/what_is_the_difference_between_three_dicks_and_a/
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How do hipsters measure weight?

In Instagrams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dfmqi/how_do_hipsters_measure_weight/
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IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dfj8u/if_you_marry_an_irish_girl/
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I like watching children run around at the park.

They don't realize I'm using blanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dfibt/i_like_watching_children_run_around_at_the_park/
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What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student
Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
"Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dfhv7/what_organ_can_expand_to_10_times_its_size/
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Blonde Special

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dfgrh/blonde_special/
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Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken came in a different box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dfewl/why_does_barbie_never_get_pregnant/
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Went to my first fight club yesterday

It was great, but I missed a few of the first rules because I was late. Probably nothing important though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dfeq3/went_to_my_first_fight_club_yesterday/
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Two tampons are walking down the street. One is a name brand, and the other is generic. Which one talks to you first?

Neither. They're stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dfb8y/two_tampons_are_walking_down_the_street_one_is_a/
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Who got only one visitor his entire life, got banished from the family and still lurks around with hope?

Pluto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3df1op/who_got_only_one_visitor_his_entire_life_got/
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Which kid?

Wife: Honey, i think you don't love our kids equally. It seems you have one that gets less love from you.
Husband: Really? Which kid do you mean? Karl, Tina or the fat one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3df0ui/which_kid/
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The Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3deshf/the_jewish_quarterback/
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Funny Story

As the coals from our barbecue burned down...
... our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.
They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3deo6z/funny_story/
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Why don't black people get on cruise ships.

They already fell for that once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3demis/why_dont_black_people_get_on_cruise_ships/
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Four proud fathers.

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the restroom. The ones that stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: “I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.”
The second guy says: “Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”
The third guy says: “Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multi-millionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend.”
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: “What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”
The fourth man replied: “My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said: “What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.”
The fourth man replied: “No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3deiuh/four_proud_fathers/
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Once there was a girl who went to a Catholic school.

While there, she always fell asleep.
At one point, the teacher called on her and asked "Who is the son of God?"
The boy behind her tried to wake her up so he did so by poking her butt with his pencil.
The girl jumped and yelled "JESUS CHRIST!"
The teacher looked at her surprised and said "Correct!"
Later on the teacher called on her again. This time she asked "Who is our lord in Heaven?"
The boy woke her up again by poking her in the butt with his pencil.
The girl jumped again and yelled "GOD ALMIGHTY!"
The teacher said "Excellent!"
Towards the end of the day, the teacher called on her one last time. She asked her "What did Eve say after Adam and Eve had their 7th child?"
The boy once again poked her in the butt with his pencil.
She jumped and was furious this time. She screamed "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF!"
The teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3degzm/once_there_was_a_girl_who_went_to_a_catholic/
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I think I'm going to start taking helium

People are speaking very highly of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3defya/i_think_im_going_to_start_taking_helium/
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Three old ladies are discussing their husbands while having tea.

Three old ladies are out for tea and discussing their husbands performance in the sack.
They decide to have some fun and describe their husbands as soda pops.
The first lady says "my husband is probably Mountain Dew. Because when im ready to mount. Hes ready to do"
The second lady says, still giggling, "My hudband is 7 up, cause when its seven hes always up"
The third lady says "My husband is defenitely Jack Daniels"
The other two ladies reply "But thats not a soda! Thats a hard liquor!"
The third lady shouts "Thats my Leroy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3def9q/three_old_ladies_are_discussing_their_husbands/
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There are 10 types of people in this world

Those that know binary
...
And the rest have girlfriends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3def67/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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My Dad taught me to swim the old fashion way

He took me down to the river and threw me in.  As soon as I got out of that burlap sack I could swim like a fish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3deer6/my_dad_taught_me_to_swim_the_old_fashion_way/
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A crippled war veteran was walking down the street...

... and walking towards him was what seemed to be another grizzled man dragging one limp foot across the sidewalk.
As they approached closer, the crippled veteran gives the other man a nod of mutual respect and says, "Vietnam. 40 years back."
The other man replies, "Dog shit. 40 feet back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dedcr/a_crippled_war_veteran_was_walking_down_the_street/
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An alligator trainer is doing a live show. (NSFW)

He gets a modestly sized alligator and rides it around for a bit while a silly song plays.
He hops off, gets a bigger alligator. He puts his head in the alligator's mouth, leaves it there for 30 seconds and pulls it out unharmed.
He gets an even bigger alligator. He pulls out his cock and balls. He gets close to the alligator, opens its mouth, rests his cock and balls inside the alligator's mouth, and slowly closes the alligators mouth just enough so that it's not doing him any harm, but he can't pull his junk out of the mouth.
He explains to the audience, "Now, at this point, I can't just pull my dick out, and I can't just pry his mouth open. The only way to get myself out is to hit the alligator on the head with a hammer. That will cause it to open his mouth." He pulls out a hammer, gives the alligator a good wack on the head, and the alligator opens up and he pulls his junk out unharmed.
He asks the audience, "Is there any of you who'd like to try?"
Silence for a few moments. Then, the small timid voice of an old lady: "I wouldn't mind giving it a try, but would you please not hit me with the hammer so hard?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3decno/an_alligator_trainer_is_doing_a_live_show_nsfw/
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What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a unicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dec9j/whats_the_difference_between_a_nicely_dressed_man/
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Netflix reminds me of my girlfriend

Probably because it's constantly asking me if I'm still here.
Or maybe because it's not a real human being.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dec6q/netflix_reminds_me_of_my_girlfriend/
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I texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over.

I'm Ruthless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3de840/i_texted_my_girlfriend_ruth_and_told_her_it_was/
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An angry wife was complaining about her husband...

.... spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3de5h0/an_angry_wife_was_complaining_about_her_husband/
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I was just sentenced to Prison

for my part in a timeshare fraud. I have to go to prison for two weeks every year for 20 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3de1ym/i_was_just_sentenced_to_prison/
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Accidental dick pics can happen

I once accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book.
It was embarrassing and cost a fortune in stamps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ddz9k/accidental_dick_pics_can_happen/
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One of my all-time faves...

A woman was involved in a near-fatal car accident that rendered her comatose. For weeks she laid in her hospital bed, showing no signs of improvement. Her faithful husband visited her several times a day, never giving up hope.
One morning, a nurse was performing a sponge bath on her patient when she put the warm and moist sponge between her legs. Noticing an immediate positive response on the heart and brain monitors, she immediately went to get the doctor.
With the doctor present, she did the same thing to her patient, getting the same result. The doctor was very excited, viewing this as a major breakthrough. He quickly called the woman's husband, explaining that he needed to come to the hospital ASAP.
Arriving just minutes later, the doctor explained all of this to the man. The doctor believed that if perhaps the man would enter his wife's room and have oral sex with her, she may regain consciousness.
"I'll try anything for my beautiful wife. I just want her back," explained the now-optimistic husband.
The medical staff all had left the room to give the couple the privacy they needed. About twenty minutes had passed when the man exited the room, sobbing uncontrollably.
"What happened? Is she conscious?" asked the doctor.
"No", the man replied. "I don't know what happened. I think she choked to death!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ddyhe/one_of_my_alltime_faves/
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A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only saran warp...

The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ddxn5/a_man_walked_into_a_psychiatrists_office_wearing/
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I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic...

How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ddwlp/i_thought_of_a_great_name_for_an_abortion_clinic/
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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie...

The man decided to try it out at dinner.
Dad:  Son, where were you during school hours?
Son:  At school.
The robot slaps the son.
Son:  Ok!  I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.
Dad:  Which one?
Son:  Kung Fu Panda
The robot slaps the son again.
Son: Ok!  It was a porno.
Dad:  What!?  When I was your age I didnt even know what porno was.
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom:  HAHAHAHAHA.  He is your son after all!
The robot slaps the mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ddvi7/a_man_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps_people/
%
A rabbit and a worm, both blind from birth, run into each other in the forest..

The rabbit hurriedly apologizes stating that he was born blind and never meant to cause any trouble.
The worm quickly responds that he too was born blind and, on top of it all, was abandoned so he did not even know what he was.
Not believing his luck, the rabbit responds that he too did not know what he was and suggested that they take turns patting each other down so that they could finally discover the truth.
The worm agreed and offered to go first. After a quick moment, the worm says: "you are fluffy, with long ears, a small nose, and a cute, puffy tail. You must be a rabbit!"
Quietly celebrating this newfound knowledge, the rabbit then takes his turn. After a moment he says: "Well, you are slimy, squirm on the ground, have no backbone and no balls. You must be French!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ddsk4/a_rabbit_and_a_worm_both_blind_from_birth_run/
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There were two sisters....

One of them was known as
Sister Mathematical (SM)
& the other one was known as
Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the house.
SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes ?
I wonder what he wants.
SL : It's logical.
He wants to rape us.
SM : Oh, no !
At this rate he will reach us in 4 minutes at the most !
What can we do?
SL : The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.....
SM : It's not working.
SL : Of course it's not working.
The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do?
At this rate he will reach us in 2 minutes.
SL : The only logical thing we can do is split.
You go that way & I'll go this way.
He cannot follow us both.
Man follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the house and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then within few minutes Sister Logical arrives.
SM : Sister Logical !
Thank God you are here !
Tell me what happened ??
SL : The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,
so he followed Me
SM : Yes, yes !
But what happened then?
SL : The only logical thing happened.
I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And ?
SL : The only logical thing happened.
He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear !
What did you do ?
SL : The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister !
What did the Man do?
SL : The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.
SM :Oh, no !
What happened next ?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister ?
A Girl with her dress up can run faster than Man with his pants down !
😄😫😩😄
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for You !.....
🙏😁
So be Logical not Calculative...!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ddr6c/there_were_two_sisters/
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Three women are discussing their teenage daughters. (nsfw)

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ddqde/three_women_are_discussing_their_teenage/
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A married man, Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after a night out drinking with the boys.

He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian” He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?” “Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” Confused, he asked his son, “ So, why is your mother in such a good mood, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?” His son replies, “Oh THAT! Well, when Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and tried to take your pants off, you screamed,’Leave me alone, I’m married! I'm married!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ddne7/a_married_man_jack_wakes_up_with_a_huge_hangover/
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What was Hitler's favorite kind of juice?

Concentrated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ddjcn/what_was_hitlers_favorite_kind_of_juice/
%
Amazon's birthday

Today is Amazon's birthday. Many happy returns, Amazon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ddit5/amazons_birthday/
%
TIL that at age 13 Jewish girls have a Bat Mitzvah and at age 15 Latina girls have a...

Baby shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ddfws/til_that_at_age_13_jewish_girls_have_a_bat/
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A C, an E flat and a G walk into a bar

The bartender says, "We don't serve minors here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ddb9v/a_c_an_e_flat_and_a_g_walk_into_a_bar/
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What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter?

Shirley you can't be Sirius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dd8s6/what_did_they_tell_the_most_famous_child_actress/
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So a German installs a bath around his desk...

BADUMTISCH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dd82j/so_a_german_installs_a_bath_around_his_desk/
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Beer contains female hormones

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
(A) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
(B) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
(C) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects - yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dd5ot/beer_contains_female_hormones/
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Archaeologists digging in Egypt discovered a Mummy covered in Chocolate and Nuts

Experts believe it to be a Pharaoh Roche

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dd4mq/archaeologists_digging_in_egypt_discovered_a/
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Is it blowjob or blow job?

I hate writing thank you notes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dd3xv/is_it_blowjob_or_blow_job/
%
How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dd1zk/how_much_room_is_needed_for_fungi_to_grow/
%
My brother and I laugh at how Competitive we were as kids.

But I laugh more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dd0eg/my_brother_and_i_laugh_at_how_competitive_we_were/
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Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn't close his casket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dcwx1/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_died_of_a_viagra/
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Shame to admit, my german grandpa told me this joke

How do you calculate the escape route of a jew?
Chimney Height * Strength of wind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dcuer/shame_to_admit_my_german_grandpa_told_me_this_joke/
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Why did the pervert cross the road?

He still had his dick in the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dct72/why_did_the_pervert_cross_the_road/
%
Little Johnny

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.  His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.  "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.  She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dcmn1/little_johnny/
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One of my favorites from Fallout 3:

I once visited a crematorium that gave discounts to burn victims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dcmb5/one_of_my_favorites_from_fallout_3/
%
What Kind Of Bagel Can Fly?

A Plain Bagel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dcieg/what_kind_of_bagel_can_fly/
%
As i lay in bed at night...

As i lay in bed at night and stare up at the stars, i couldn't help but wonder, "where the hell did my roof go"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dchn7/as_i_lay_in_bed_at_night/
%
A termite walks into a bar...

He waits and waits and nobody appears.  He turns to a termite next to him and asks him, "Hey, is the bar tender here?".  The second termite says, "Yeah.  It's okay".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dchak/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Three Vampires.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first asks for a glass of blood B pos. The second asks for a glass of blood O pos. The third asks for a glass of water. The bartender asks "Aren't you a vampire, don't you drink blood, what's up?"
The vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says "Tea time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dce84/three_vampires/
%
Did you hear the one about Make-A-Wish foundation giving concert tickets to the little deaf boy?

Neither did he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dcdzk/did_you_hear_the_one_about_makeawish_foundation/
%
I grew up thinking my Dad had tourettes....

turns out he just genuinely thought I was a fucking cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dcb8p/i_grew_up_thinking_my_dad_had_tourettes/
%
I wish to die like my grandfather, quietly in my sleep...

...not screaming like the other 3 people in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dc5rk/i_wish_to_die_like_my_grandfather_quietly_in_my/
%
Old Jewish joke.

A group of Ukrainian villagers are trying to get a cow to mate with a bull.
Try as they might, the cow refused to mate with any bull at all.
The villagers take the cow to the rabbi to ask for help.
The Rabbi inspects the cow then asks the villagers, "is the cow from Kiev?"
"Yes..." replied the villagers.
"Aha," exclaimed the Rabbi "that's why she won't mate with the bull."
"How do you know this?" asked the villagers, intrigued.
"My wife's from Kiev." replied the Rabbi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dc4ij/old_jewish_joke/
%
Oxygen and Potassium went on a date

it went OK

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dbz04/oxygen_and_potassium_went_on_a_date/
%
America has never been a homophobic nation..

He grew up with 4 fathers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dbxtm/america_has_never_been_a_homophobic_nation/
%
Shit! Dead Again

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dbtos/shit_dead_again/
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What's the worst thing about Michael Jackson teaching your kindergarten class?

The smell. The man's been dead for 6 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dbsbe/whats_the_worst_thing_about_michael_jackson/
%
The first night of a gay mans wedding

After Having their first session of love making steve goes to have a shower. Peter after some time cooling down decides to join him. After pulling back the shower curtain he discovers something
"Steve how could you do this? You just had a wank straight after we made love for the first time as a married couple?!"
"No i didn't peter what are you on about?"
"Yes you did, There is cum all over the wall!!"
"Oh no you silly fucker i just farted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dboy4/the_first_night_of_a_gay_mans_wedding/
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A man with many talents..

An American is backpacking through Scotland and finds a nice pub to enjoy a pint. Upon entering, the stranger finds only two men in the pub, a bartender and an older man nursing his drink. The backpacker takes a seat, orders a pint and begins to drink. After some time has passed, the only other customer in the bar speaks up, "Ya see this bar? I built it with my bare hands, timber by timber, snow or sunshine. But do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? Nooooo." A bit of time passes before the old man speaks up again, this time he's pointing out the window, "Ya see that wall over there? I built it with my bare hands, I placed each stone JUST so, to make it perfect, whether it was rainin' or cold. But do they call me MacGregor the wall-builder? Nooooo." There's only a slight pause this time before he speaks again, pointing out a different window, "Do ya see that pier out by the lake? I built it with my bare hands, driving each piling against the current and sand, placing each board JUST so. But do they call me MacGregor the pier-builder? Noooo.." He pauses for a moment.."but ya fuck ONE goat.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dblp9/a_man_with_many_talents/
%
A friend and I got into a fight on a ski lift.

It was an uphill battle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dbfzp/a_friend_and_i_got_into_a_fight_on_a_ski_lift/
%
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter what you call him, he won't be able to come to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dbety/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
How come Barbie never got pregnant?

Ken always comes in a different box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dbaoa/how_come_barbie_never_got_pregnant/
%
3 stranded sailors are captured by cannibals...

The sailors are brought to the leader of the cannibal tribe. He tells them they must go into the jungle, get 10 of one thing, and bring it back.
All the sailors leave at the same time.
The first sailor to return brings 10 apples. The tribe leader looks at the sailor and tells him that he must put all of the apples up his ass without making a facial expression or else he will be killed and eaten. He puts 1 apple up his ass, then tries a second, and yells in pain with tears streaming down his face. He is killed and eaten.
The second sailor to return brings back 10 grapes. The tribe leader explains the same rules to him as given to the first sailor, and points to the dead roasting body of his fellow sailor. With confidence he pulls down his pants, and begins putting the grapes up his ass. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... he begins laughing, and he is taken and killed.
As the second sailor arrives in heaven, the first sailor, puzzled, asks him, "Why did you laugh? you could have easily put all of the grapes up your ass."
The first sailor replies with, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third sailor coming back with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dba5l/3_stranded_sailors_are_captured_by_cannibals/
%
Joke I heard while in Hungary

Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City. A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked.
"Parlez vous Francais?" He asks them. The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man.
Frustrated, he asks them, "Ustedes hablan español?" Again, the cops merely shrug.
The foreigner continues with the same result with Dutch, Russian, and German. Eventually, he leaves, knowing that there's no hope for him to communicate with the officers.
"I keep telling you we should learn more languages!" says one cop to the other.
"Why?" he responds. "That man knows five, and it didn't get him anywhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3db9qs/joke_i_heard_while_in_hungary/
%
Broke a leg

"Barry, what happened to your *leg*?"
"There's a story to this one."
"Go on."
"About twenty-five years ago my car broke down out in the country. It was pitch black outside, too late to hoof it all the way home, so I stopped by a farmer's house and asked him if I could stay the night. He sees I'm stuck out in the cold and all so I can go on up, there's a bed in his daughter's room and I can sleep there. So I crawl in and she's there, a young lady, already sleeping. She wakes me up about an hour later and says, 'Is there anything I can do for you?'
I tell her nah, uh... I don't think so.
'Are you sure?' she asked again.
No, I'm doin' alright.
She tried again about twice more, 'There isn't anything I can do for you?'
I said, nah, I reckon not."
"... Okay, but about your leg, Barry...?"
"Well, you know what happened twenty-five years ago now right?"
"Yes."
"I finally got what she meant by that and damn fell off the roof this morning."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3db8yk/broke_a_leg/
%
When a pilot forgets to turn off the PA

A pilot gets on the PA
"Hello flight 828, we've reached cruising altitude, the seatbelt sign has been turned off" etc, that kind of stuff. Then a big plop is heard, and it becomes apparent that the pilot forgot to turn of the PA. Then the pilot says to presumingly the co-pilot, "Man, I wish I had a coffee and a blowjob right now..." The whole plane begins laughing quietly, and looking at each other with awkward expressions. From the back of the plane, a flight attendant begins running, clearly distressed, to inform the pilot the PA has not been turned off. As she reaches the cockpit, a man yells, so that the entire plane could hear, "AND DON'T FORGET THE COFFEE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3db7y2/when_a_pilot_forgets_to_turn_off_the_pa/
%
What's the best hotel in the world?

Auschwitz. 1.3 million stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3db646/whats_the_best_hotel_in_the_world/
%
What do you call somebody who is anti-vaccines?

An idiot, just a god damn idiot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3db54d/what_do_you_call_somebody_who_is_antivaccines/
%
A little old lady and a sack full of $20's

A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two large trash bags behind her.  One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there is money falling out of your bag."
"Oh really?" said the lady.  "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.  Thanks for letting me know."
"Well not so fast," says the cop.  "Where did you get all that money?  You didn't steal it did you?"
"Oh of course not," says the old lady.  "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course.  A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.  It used to really tick me off.  It kills the flowers, you know.  But then I thought, why not make the best of it.
So now I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.  Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, "OK, buddy!  Give me $20 or off it comes!"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.  "Well good luck!  Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3db2d4/a_little_old_lady_and_a_sack_full_of_20s/
%
What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera (racism free)

Phil Ming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3db213/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_man_with_a_video/
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What's another word for a face tattoo?

An everlasting jobstopper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3db18l/whats_another_word_for_a_face_tattoo/
%
A man walks into a bar

and sees Hitler. He asks if he can sit with him and ask him some questions, Hitler obliges. After a while the man works up the courage to ask more serious questions.
"How many people did you kill?" asks the man.
"Six million jews and one birthday clown" Hitler answers.
The man's eyes widen.
"Why the clown?" the man asked, after a long period of silence.
Hitler laughs. "I was only joking. See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3db16p/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby...

... so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Pastor's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3db0vj/there_was_a_pastor_whose_wife_was_expecting_a_baby/
%
Having only ever competed in the 100m dash, what did the professional sprinter say after his first 200m race?

I've finally turned a corner in my career.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dazm7/having_only_ever_competed_in_the_100m_dash_what/
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A Jewish man is in a car accident.

A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road.  A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back.  He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming.  Are you comfortable?"
The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3davsj/a_jewish_man_is_in_a_car_accident/
%
Somewhere in Africa...

a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3datze/somewhere_in_africa/
%
I want an ocean of orange soda

It's a Fanta sea of mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dasa1/i_want_an_ocean_of_orange_soda/
%
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday

& the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery'....I remembered where I left me hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dapsv/murphy_showed_up_at_mass_one_sunday/
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Why does it take so long for pirates to learn the alphabet?

Because they can spend years at sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dap70/why_does_it_take_so_long_for_pirates_to_learn_the/
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I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dao6o/i_hope_rand_paul_doesnt_pick_scott_walker_as_his/
%
A man asked his friend, a mathematician, if he would go on an airplane trip with him.

The mathematician responded that he didn't go on airplane trips because the probability that there could be a bomb on the plane was too high for his comfort.  The man bid the mathematician farewell and left by himself.
Not three months later, the man was at an airport when he met the mathematician again.  When he asked what made him change his mind, the mathematician responded, "The probability of a bomb being on a plane is still too high.  However, I've calculated that the probability of two bombs being on a plane is low enough for my liking.  So now, I bring my own bomb onto planes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dakld/a_man_asked_his_friend_a_mathematician_if_he/
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People say I never explain myself enough...



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dajbr/people_say_i_never_explain_myself_enough/
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What does the alchemist do to please his girlfriend?

Elixir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dai1r/what_does_the_alchemist_do_to_please_his/
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Two friends meet after a long night of drinking...

...and the two compare how much they drank. The first says, "I must have downed a dozen shots of Tequila, and when I woke up this morning, I was naked on the floor of a hardware store."
The second says, "I chugged a bottle of whiskey, went home, and blew chunks."
The first chuckles "you chugged a whole bottle and just threw up?"
The second replies, "no, Chunks is my dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dahiq/two_friends_meet_after_a_long_night_of_drinking/
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A wolf is walking through the forest...

A wolf is walking through the forest and sees a beaver.
"Come here" he says.
The Beaver comes over and the wolf, looking at a list in his hand, says "Ah here you are. Mr. Beaver. You'll come to the big field tomorrow at 8am and I'll eat you for breakfast. Any questions?"
"No" says the beaver and walks away crying.
The next day, after eating the beaver, the wolf is walking and sees a an elk. "Come here" he says and the elk walks over.
Looking at his list the wolf says "Ah Mr. Elk, here you are. Tomorrow at 2pm you'll come to the big field and you'll be my lunch. Any questions?"
"No" says the elk and walks away sobbing.
The next day after eating the elk the wolf sees a rabbit on his walk.
"Ahhh, Mr Rabbit, I've been looking for you. Tomorrow at 6pm you'll come to the big field and I'll eat you for dinner"
"No, I won't come", responds the rabbit.
"You won't?"
"No."
"Ah ok. Then I'll take you off the list."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dah3c/a_wolf_is_walking_through_the_forest/
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People with scoliosis are the same as you or I...

But with a twist.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dae0n/people_with_scoliosis_are_the_same_as_you_or_i/
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When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, "Just use a fucking spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dadja/when_i_was_a_child_my_dad_tried_to_forcefeed_me/
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I spent the last hour repeatedly pressing F5

It's pretty refreshing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3daami/i_spent_the_last_hour_repeatedly_pressing_f5/
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What did the mexican do when he lost his car in the parking lot?

He pressed hispanic button

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3da7dh/what_did_the_mexican_do_when_he_lost_his_car_in/
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What do you call a wandering caveman?

A Meanderthal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3da0hd/what_do_you_call_a_wandering_caveman/
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longest word in the English language - Funny but logical

What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3da00e/longest_word_in_the_english_language_funny_but/
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A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks

. He noticed a female horse.
Captain: What’s that horse for?
Soldier: Our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.
Captain: Oh! all right.
One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the horse to his tent. When the captain done with the horse, looks at his soldier
Captain: It’s so hard! How do you do it?
Soldier: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are.
Captain: ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d9swt/a_new_army_captain_inspected_the_soldiers_in/
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Southern Justice

Starting a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a  two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know
the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the
bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d9rih/southern_justice/
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What Do You Call A Sleep Walking Nun?

A Roamin' Catholic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d9m1h/what_do_you_call_a_sleep_walking_nun/
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Bigger Boobs

A woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts.
She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants. The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the product, she'll get them for free. She tries them out and gets fitted properly. It has little sacs in her bra that are inflated when she flaps her arms like a chicken, giving her a larger bust. She decides to go out to the bar to see if men will notice. She sees a handsome man across the room and starts walking up to him, seductively smiling, flapping her arms and says "Haven't I seen you here before?". "No, but I think we go to the same doctor" he answers, furiously opening and closing his legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d9cg8/bigger_boobs/
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Longish literary-ish joke translated from Russian

Russia in the 1930s. Winter. Poverty. Famine. It's freezing cold. A poorly dressed kid is running across a courtyard with an armful of deadwood, followed by an angry caretaker.
The kid is running and thinking to himself:
>I gotta put an end to this. After all, I come from a nice family, I want to learn, to self-develop. I want to be like my favourite author — Ernest Hemingway — strong and masculine, fishing on the Cuban beaches, not running away from caretakers.
Cuba. It's hot as hell. Ernest Hemingway — strong and masculine, is sitting at a beach, drinking rum straight from the bottle, surrounded by hot Cuban girls. He's thinking:
> This isn't life. Nothing heroic about it. People don't need anything, it's hot 24 hours a day, brain is melting, women are fat and sweaty. I'd rather be in cool Paris with my friend — André Maurois — drinking some nice French wine in front of a fireplace, talking about the purpose of life...
Paris. The air is cool, it's been raining for a week now. André Maurois is sitting in his apartment finishing his third bottle of cognac. Two French girls are sleeping in the bed. Maurois curses and thinks:
> This isn't life. This is decadence. A simulacrum. I'd rather be in cold Russia with my friend Andrei Platonov. We'd drink a glass of real Russian vodka and be closer to the Eternity. Now *that's* life!
Russia. Winter. Freezing cold. Famine. Andrei Platonov is running across the courtyard after a kid and is thinking:
> Fuck! If I catch the little bastard, I'll kill him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d9664/longish_literaryish_joke_translated_from_russian/
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What does a subatomic duck say?

"Quark!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d950z/what_does_a_subatomic_duck_say/
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I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name

He was like, "No way!"
I was like, "Yahweh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d94ow/i_told_my_buddy_that_jewish_people_call_god_by_a/
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A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road

as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materialistic? Do you not realize that your entire left arm is also missing?" The lawyer quickly looks at his left arm and yells, "No, my Rolex!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d93vl/a_lawyer_opens_his_car_door_on_the_side_of_the/
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If someone tells you to spell part backwards don't do it

It's a trap!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d937f/if_someone_tells_you_to_spell_part_backwards_dont/
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Why should you never date a tennis player?

Cause love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d8uzw/why_should_you_never_date_a_tennis_player/
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I broke up with my gym.

We were just not working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d8udh/i_broke_up_with_my_gym/
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The Laughing Horse

One night, a quiet man walks into a bar named the Laughing Horse. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. He sits there solemnly sipping his drink. On the end of the bar, he sees a glass jug completely stuffed with 20 dollar bills. It catches his attention, so he calls the bartender over and says, "Hey pal, what up with that jug?"
The bartender smiles and says, "Oh that? That's a prize. There's a horse out back behind the bar. You put 20 bucks into the jar. If you can make the horse laugh, you win the entire contents of the jar."
Easy enough, the man says to himself. He takes a 20 out of his wallet, stuffs it into the jar, and heads towards the back door. As he is walking, the bartender calls out, "Good luck pal. That horse hasn't laughed since he's been here." The man shrugs and keeps on walking. The bartender is looking out of the back window as the man leans into the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse starts laughing uncontrollably. The man smiles, walks back in, finishes his drink, takes the jar of money, and leaves. On his way out, he winks at the bartender.
A few months later, the same man walks into the same bar. He sees another jar full of 20s. He pulls another 20 out and says to the bartender, "Hey! Do I have to make him laugh again?" The bartender looks at him questionably and says, "No. Now you have to make him cry." The man smiles, stuffs his 20 into the jar and heads out back. The bartender is looking, again, through the back window. This time, the man didn't whisper anything. He looked at the horse and then looked down. The horse looked at the man, and then looked down as well. Without another moment passing, the horse is a blubbering teary mess, weeping beyond belief. The man walks back into the bar, grabs the jar, winks at the bartender, and heads out.
The bartender is irate. "Hold up," he yells, "First, you made the horse laugh when no one else could. Then, you made him cry when no one else could! You have to tell me what you said!"
The man stops, and turns around to the bartender, "Well, first, I had to make him laugh so I told him my dick was bigger then his, and he laughed. The second time, I showed him".
The horse was never the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d8oh2/the_laughing_horse/
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50 cent declares bankrupcy...

he hasnt got a dollar to his name

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d8o99/50_cent_declares_bankrupcy/
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An american tourist walks up to an Irish pub counter.

Sir, she says, I'd like to make a complaint. There is no lock on the toilet door.
Well ma'am, says the barman. My grandfather opened this pub in 1910, and ran it for almost 40 years. My father took over and he ran it for another 4 decades. Now ma'am, I've been running this place for 25 years myself. And you know what missus in all that time nobody has stolen a shit yet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Credit to the publican who told this store on rte last night

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d8ngk/an_american_tourist_walks_up_to_an_irish_pub/
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Hospital Bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms & a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
'Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister & she's a nun."
The nun became agitated & announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law".
:D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d8mew/hospital_bill/
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What would be the best color to make a joke about?

I was thinking black, but I'm not sure it would work?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d8jo4/what_would_be_the_best_color_to_make_a_joke_about/
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"When I was younger they all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian," said Dane Cook.

"Nobody's laughing now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d8jhb/when_i_was_younger_they_all_laughed_when_i_said_i/
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you know what really turns on a nerd?

unprotected wifi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d8ige/you_know_what_really_turns_on_a_nerd/
%
A man is talking to God

. “God, how long is a million years?”
God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is a million dollars?”
“To me, it’s a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
“Wait a minute."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d8hza/a_man_is_talking_to_god/
%
Why a cab driver screams and loses control of the car when his passenger taps him on the shoulder?

A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d8dq1/why_a_cab_driver_screams_and_loses_control_of_the/
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If Caitlyn Jenner was a super hero, what team would she be in?

The X-Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d8d9k/if_caitlyn_jenner_was_a_super_hero_what_team/
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Why did Jason Pierre-Paul change his jersey number from 90 to 9?

Because he lost a digit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d89c4/why_did_jason_pierrepaul_change_his_jersey_number/
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What's China's national colour?

Censo-red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d837a/whats_chinas_national_colour/
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A Chinaman goes to the eye doctor....

Eye doctor says "You've got a cataract."
Chinaman says "No, I drive Rincoln Continental."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d81ir/a_chinaman_goes_to_the_eye_doctor/
%
I hate Sharknado, it is SO unrealistic.

Rain?  In California?  Did they even pretend to research for this movie?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d7yxh/i_hate_sharknado_it_is_so_unrealistic/
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Why did the rapper scream into his Easter basket?

He wanted to give a shoutout  to his peeps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d7yi5/why_did_the_rapper_scream_into_his_easter_basket/
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What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d7vim/what_did_the_russian_people_light_their_houses/
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What did tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I'll hang around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d7utw/what_did_tie_say_to_the_hat/
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What does a redneck do after she bangs her second cousin?

She quits counting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d7tlj/what_does_a_redneck_do_after_she_bangs_her_second/
%
Wana hear a Canadian joke?

Toronto maple leafs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d7p6j/wana_hear_a_canadian_joke/
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What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?

A private tooter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d7m1v/what_do_you_call_a_teacher_who_doesnt_fart_in/
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So three ducks go to court...

The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."
A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."
The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d7kvf/so_three_ducks_go_to_court/
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At the Last Supper...

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
"This is my body!"
*Jesus raises wine*
"And this is my blood!"
*Pulls out 9 of Clubs*
"And this is your card"
*Apostles go nuts*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d7eoy/at_the_last_supper/
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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d7cnk/how_my_husband_and_i_terrified_a_taxi_driver/
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What was the ambulance saying when they were carrying Satoru Iwata?

Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6z0o/what_was_the_ambulance_saying_when_they_were/
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Why was the prison poetry slam cancelled?

There were more cons than prose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6y44/why_was_the_prison_poetry_slam_cancelled/
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COUNTING CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6xfq/counting_condoms/
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Where did Sally go after the nukes were dropped?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6vrh/where_did_sally_go_after_the_nukes_were_dropped/
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A policeman on a horse says to a little girl on her bike,

"Did Santa get you that bike?" "Yes" she replies.
"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year" and he fines her $5! The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that, too?"
The policeman chuckles and replies, "he sure did."
"Well" said the little girl, "next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top of it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6ssb/a_policeman_on_a_horse_says_to_a_little_girl_on/
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Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm?

They take things literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6s9z/why_do_thieves_have_such_a_hard_time/
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How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6rla/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
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What's a redneck's favorite dating website?

Ancestry.com

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6rf0/whats_a_rednecks_favorite_dating_website/
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My current girlfriend is very similar to my last one...

For instance, neither of them exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6r57/my_current_girlfriend_is_very_similar_to_my_last/
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What do worms and women have in common

They both wiggle when you eat them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6qqq/what_do_worms_and_women_have_in_common/
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I bought some Greek yogurt today

It started asking all of the other food in my fridge for money

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6pdw/i_bought_some_greek_yogurt_today/
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One day Canada will take over the world.

Then we'll all be sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6j0w/one_day_canada_will_take_over_the_world/
%
Two Rednecks are walking along a river bank...

... when they come across a group of people watching a man immerse some of them in the river.  Spying them, the man calls out "Hey, brothers, come on down. I'm baptizing sinners, washing away their sin, just as the word says. Come on down, you'll find Jesus, you'll be saved!"
"What d'you reckon?" one asks the other.
"Yeah, well, it probably can't hurt, 'n it's a hot day an all, a dip in the river sounds good." So he goes on down and is soon being immersed.
As he comes up the preacher says, "Hallelujah! Have you found Jesus!?"
"No", replies the REdneck, so he's dunked again.
"Have you found Jesus now?" asks the reverend excitedly.
"Nope, not yet," replies the guy, and a third time he goes down.
This time he's under the water for quite a while, and when his head bobs up the same question is asked. "Well, have you found him this time?"
"No, I haven't. Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6f0p/two_rednecks_are_walking_along_a_river_bank/
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A Mexican Magician...

A Mexican magician says he will dissappear on the count of three.
Uno... Dos... *poof*
He's disappeared...
Without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6e2z/a_mexican_magician/
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joke my uncle told me as a kid

so 3 men go into a brothel what are their ethnic backgrounds the guy coming out........ finnish. the guy going in.......... russian.  the guy currently in there........ himalayen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6e1z/joke_my_uncle_told_me_as_a_kid/
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Where does a toxicologist go to get the best possible education?

A Poison Ivy League College.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6akt/where_does_a_toxicologist_go_to_get_the_best/
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All knives are cutting edge technology.

... Or maybe just cutting technology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d6a3p/all_knives_are_cutting_edge_technology/
%
Now Its the Father Problem

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d66pc/now_its_the_father_problem/
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Game is over

A young boy walks in the barber's shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
“Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d659i/game_is_over/
%
A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d60gu/a_parrot_swallows_a_viagra_tablet/
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One more sexist remark

"One more sexist remark from you and I swear to God, I'll kick you straight in the bollocks !"  my wife exclaimed
"Haha how the fuck are you planning on reaching my bollocks from the kitchen ?"  I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d609t/one_more_sexist_remark/
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A lot of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one says "I'll have a pint."
The second says "I'll have half a pint."
Bartender replies "We don't serve half pints."
All the remaining mathematicians moan "Way to ruin the joke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d5zbl/a_lot_of_mathematicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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A man stood on the side of the road hitchhiking

on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.
As the night went by no cars passed him. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop..
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, and one said to the other. "Look Bubba, that's the jerk who climbed into the car while we were pushing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d5z3r/a_man_stood_on_the_side_of_the_road_hitchhiking/
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Best Computer Science Joke!

A man and woman are in a computer programming lecture. The man touches the woman's breasts.
"Hey!" she says. "Those are private!"
The man says, "But we're in the same class!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d5wxx/best_computer_science_joke/
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What do you call a half Irish half Muslim husband?

O'Pressive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d5vy8/what_do_you_call_a_half_irish_half_muslim_husband/
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How would you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?

A widow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d5uki/how_would_you_call_a_woman_who_always_knows_where/
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The South Declares War

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d5t45/the_south_declares_war/
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What's the worst thing to say to an anorexic person?

You are what you eat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d5ozg/whats_the_worst_thing_to_say_to_an_anorexic_person/
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How did Ian Fleming become so wealthy?

By diversifying his Bonds!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d5m6e/how_did_ian_fleming_become_so_wealthy/
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Mom, why am I dark if my father's skin is alabaster and yours is too?

Rough translation from Spanish:
Child:Mom, why am I dark if my father's skin is alabaster and yours is too?
Mother:  With how drunk I was that night it's a miracle you don't bark!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d58qu/mom_why_am_i_dark_if_my_fathers_skin_is_alabaster/
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How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?

A couple calves,
an ass,
ten little piggies,
a beaver,
a shit load of hares,
and a fish that no one can seem to find!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d54rh/how_many_animals_can_you_fit_in_a_pair_of/
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What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4yk5/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
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Alien Sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead,  his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until  the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping  my forehead and pulling my ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4s5i/alien_sex/
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What does a pedophile order when he goes to a cannibal restaurant?

Eh, just something off the kids menu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4osq/what_does_a_pedophile_order_when_he_goes_to_a/
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What do you call a pony that sleeps around

A whorse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4lp1/what_do_you_call_a_pony_that_sleeps_around/
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What is the one type of person that will never get angry?

A nomad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4kpa/what_is_the_one_type_of_person_that_will_never/
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How can you tell if a picture was taken with a GoPro?

because the owner will tell you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4gnu/how_can_you_tell_if_a_picture_was_taken_with_a/
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What do a pornstar and Godzilla have in common?

They've both swallowed boatloads of seamen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4eha/what_do_a_pornstar_and_godzilla_have_in_common/
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An old tired dog

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4dy9/an_old_tired_dog/
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I hate making spelling mistakes.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4dn2/i_hate_making_spelling_mistakes/
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A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”
“For you, sir, no charge!”
&nbsp;
What's 2 times 2?
Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”
Mathematician: “After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!”
Engineer: “4, obviously, but lets make it 5, just to be on the safe side.”
&nbsp;
Three logicians walk into a bar. “You all want a beer?” the bartender asks.
“I don’t know,” says the first logician.
“I don’t know either,” says the second logician.
Says the third logician, “If that’s the case, then we all want a beer.”
&nbsp;
Atom 1: “I think I lost one of my electrons somewhere.”
Atom 2: “Are you sure?”
Atom 1: ”Yes, I’m positive!”
&nbsp;
A neutrino walks through a bar.
&nbsp;
A photon checks into a hotel. “Do you need help with your luggage?” the clerk asks.
“No thanks, I’m travelling light.”
&nbsp;
A mathematician walks into a bar. “I’ll have a pint, and then half a pint and then a quarter of a pint and then an eighth of a pint-”
The bartender, who is also a mathematician, interrupts him, “Two pints, coming right up!”
&nbsp;
A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician travel together by train. Right after entering Scotland they see a black sheep standing on top of a hill.
“Look at that,” says the biologist. “Apparently the sheep in Scotland are black.”
“Nonsense!” says the physicist. “All we can say for sure is that there is one sheep in Scotland that’s black.”
“I am afraid you are both wrong,” the mathematician explains. “The only thing that is certain is that there is a sheep in Scotland, which is black on at least one side.”
&nbsp;
There are two types of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from from incomplete data.
&nbsp;
What is the value of the contour integral around Western Europe?
Zero, all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.
&nbsp;
Why were the Romans so bad at algebra?
They always ended up with X equals 10.
&nbsp;
“I never get any good data. Sometimes I think the particle accelerator hates me.”
“Never anthropomorphize machines. They hate that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4ddm/a_small_collection_of_my_favorite_science_jokes/
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Girlfriend: Tell me something to make me feel like a woman!

She said excitingly with a smile on her face..... tell me, tell me tell me she said as she wrapped her arms around her boyfriend but the boyfriend stands quietly..she says again come on tell me!
The boyfriend holds her close, looks deep into her eyes and then moves in closer and whispers: "you don't know how to park"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4d0e/girlfriend_tell_me_something_to_make_me_feel_like/
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Motorcycle and vasaline

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.  He doesn't have much luck, until one day,
he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.  The bike looks
better than a new one, although it is 10 years old, It's shiny and in mint
condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10
years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside
and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.  It protects it from the
rain", and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell
you something about my family.  When we eat dinner, we don't talk.  In fact,
the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.  Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of
dirty dishes.  In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on
the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.  Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.  As dinner
progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.  He leans over
and kisses Sandra.  No one says a word.  He reaches over and fondles her
breasts. Nobody says a word.  So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes
off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her
parents.  His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid
and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.  Joe grabs mom, bends her
over the table, pulls down her panties and screws her every which way but
loose right there on the dinner table.  Joe sits down.  His girlfriend is
furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But
still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls out the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts, 'I'll do the fuckin' dishes!!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4c1t/motorcycle_and_vasaline/
%
Two cannibals, father and son, catch a blonde

The son "Dad, will we take her home and eat her?"
Dad "No, we will take her home and eat your mom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4bqf/two_cannibals_father_and_son_catch_a_blonde/
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A Little Man

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4bqc/a_little_man/
%
I called the rape hotline today

Apparently it's only for victims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4azz/i_called_the_rape_hotline_today/
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My dog does back-flips when the Raiders kick a field goal.......

my buddy asked me what he does when they score a touch-down and I told him I didn't know, I've only had him for 6 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d46of/my_dog_does_backflips_when_the_raiders_kick_a/
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What are some of the perks of living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag's a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d3xzh/what_are_some_of_the_perks_of_living_in/
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What Does Your Father Do?

It was 3rd grade show and tell in Ms.Johnson's class and she was going around asking all of the children what their fathers do for a living. Ms.Johnson walks up to the first kid and asks "What does your dad do for a living, Johnny?" to which he responds "He's a firefighter." "Very good, Johnny. What about you, Sally what does your father do?" Sally perks up and says "My daddy is a doctor and saves a lot of lives!" "That's great, Sally. Derrick, I see you over there. What does your dad do?" Derrick slowly lifts his head and he looks very sad. "My dad passed away, Ms. Johnson." Feeling terrible Ms.Johnson asks "Oh I'm sorry. What did he do before he died?" Derrick now on the verge of tears responds "He turned purple and shit on the rug."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d3sgd/what_does_your_father_do/
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Greek yogurt

Its just not as rich as it was before

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d3s0g/greek_yogurt/
%
Abortion jokes are never funny.

So if you accidentally start forming one, you should terminate it before it comes to fruition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d3mk1/abortion_jokes_are_never_funny/
%
A Scotsman who was driving home one night

, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d3jr0/a_scotsman_who_was_driving_home_one_night/
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Delivery coincidences,Haha!

Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence."
After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d3j86/delivery_coincidenceshaha/
%
What do you do when you see a ship crash into an iceberg?

You let it sink in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d3iw2/what_do_you_do_when_you_see_a_ship_crash_into_an/
%
Whit's the differ atween a rich Scotsman, a puir Scotsman, an a deid Scotsman?

The rich Scotsman has a canopy ower his bed.
The puir Scotsman has a can o pee under his bed.
The deid Scotsman cannae pee at a'.
[If you need help: http://www.dsl.ac.uk/]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d3ds9/whits_the_differ_atween_a_rich_scotsman_a_puir/
%
The President of Nintendo Died...

The ambulance went WII U, WII U, WII U

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d3cn4/the_president_of_nintendo_died/
%
I just have a step ladder

I never knew my real ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d39y6/i_just_have_a_step_ladder/
%
Why do Jewish men have to be Circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless its 20% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d36ri/why_do_jewish_men_have_to_be_circumcised/
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What is E.T short for?

Because he's got little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d36bh/what_is_et_short_for/
%
A Trip to the Brothel

One day a man comes home to find his wife having an affair with the neighbour, obviously Infuriated by this he storms out of the house and goes on a ride to the towns brothel. Upon entering he is greeted by a beautiful lady in skimpy lingerie, seething with anger he walks up to her and says "I want to have sex with the most gorgeous woman in this place I don't care how much it'll cost me" the woman looks at him with curiosity but shrugs it off and tells him that the best looking girl here is quite expensive and terribly busy around this time but she points to the line of horny men and tells him if he would like he can join the line up. Hours go by and it seems like the line is hardly moving but determined he waits. Two hours later and he was halfway up the line frustrated having nothing but time to think about his wife he sits there seething until he noticed that a man had walked up and cut to the front of the line. Already in a testy state this causes the man to snap and go into a rage swinging and wildly fighting everyone in the line. The loud noise quickly drew the owner of the establish out from the back who takes action throwing everyone out. The angry horny men ask him what the big deal is and the owner turned around and said "let that be a lesson to you all, no one gets away with punching up the fuckline"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d355v/a_trip_to_the_brothel/
%
3 men get arrested...

3 Men get arrested. on their way into jail, an officer stops them and asks the first man what he got arrested for. The man says, ''blowing bubbles in the park.'' Confused, the officer sends him off. He asks the next man that, to which he﻿ replied, ''blowing bubbles in the park.'' the officer sends him off and says to the next guy, ''lemme guess, you got arrested for blowing bubbles in the park?'' the man says, ''No, im Bubbles.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d3498/3_men_get_arrested/
%
What's the difference between a rectum and Jehovah's Witness?

A rectum is only full of shit *some* of the time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d2zld/whats_the_difference_between_a_rectum_and/
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If Satan ever lost his hair...

There would be hell toupee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d2zap/if_satan_ever_lost_his_hair/
%
He Asked His Wife To Bury Him With ALL His Money, So This Is What She Did

There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money.
He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife:
"Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. When one day he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d2xqr/he_asked_his_wife_to_bury_him_with_all_his_money/
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Jesus has a date

I was talking with Jesus Christ yesterday and he said he was going out on a date. I say do you think you'll get lucky? Jesus says, "are you kidding? She'll fuck anything that's not nailed down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d2wls/jesus_has_a_date/
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Piss in a glass

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right." Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, *foosh*, he lets it rip. And he-he's pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere *except* the fucking glass!. So, bartender, he's laughing his fuckin' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300." And the bartender's like, "What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d2vt6/piss_in_a_glass/
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Lawyer joke

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from
the city's most successful lawyer.So a volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by
saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is many millions of dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't
you like to give something back to
your community?.
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research
also show you that my mother is dying
after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are
far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled
Veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband
died in a dreadful car accident, leaving
her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is
disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what
makes you think I'd give any to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d2rly/lawyer_joke/
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There is only one type of cake I don't like

Stomach ache

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d2qbg/there_is_only_one_type_of_cake_i_dont_like/
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I went to the National Air and Space Museum in DC...

There was a lot more stuff in there than I'd expected

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d2oz7/i_went_to_the_national_air_and_space_museum_in_dc/
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The Bull Fights

A Man won an all paid trip to Spain, luckily for this man there is nothing more that he has ever wanted than to see the bull fights! Upon landing in Spain the man quickly obtained transportation to get to the nearest bull fighting stadium, he arrived just in time! As he took his seat he could not believe the bravery of the bull fighters, the elegance they had in swinging their capes, and the ultimate loss and later death of the bull that was involved in the whole sport. After the bull fights the man was famished, starving and thirsty. As he came outside he saw that there was a bar/restaurant just next to the arena. He went inside and saw a man eating some type of meat that he had never seen before. He took a seat and asked the waiter if he could have the same thing the other person was having, the waiter laughed and said, "we only serve that once a day, there is only one." "How may I get it?" the man asked. "Those are bull testicles, you must sign up for them and you get to eat the loser on that specific day!", chuckled the waiter. "Ok!", the man shouted, "sign me up for the next batch!" Luckily for the man, no one had signed up for the next day.
The next morning the man was so tired that he did not make it to the bull fights, but he was still pumped and excited to eat his bull testicles. The man left his hotel and headed toward the restaurant next to the arena and sat down to eat his meal. As he finished he complimented the chef and thanked the waiter. As he was about to leave he shouted to the waiter, "those were a lot smaller than the ones the gentleman was eating yesterday!" the waiter chuckled and said, "You know, sometimes the Bull does win!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d2gz7/the_bull_fights/
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A strange woman was pounding at my door at 4am and woke me up.

I had to let her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d2gp8/a_strange_woman_was_pounding_at_my_door_at_4am/
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Jose takes a trip to the USA

Jose just returned to Mexico and couldn't wait to me about his trip to the USA.
He said he went to a baseball game and sat in the outfield stands, directly underneath the flagpole. He said the game was great and all the Americans were so polite. Before the game stated, they turned to him and saluted him. Then they started singing to him, "Jose, can you see!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d2ee1/jose_takes_a_trip_to_the_usa/
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A mother was in a kitchen...

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d2e9v/a_mother_was_in_a_kitchen/
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Can a woman make you a millionaire?

Only if you're a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d2e1u/can_a_woman_make_you_a_millionaire/
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Three girls are sitting at a bar talking about how loose they are

The first girl says "I'm so loose my boyfriend can get three fingers inside of me". The second girl says "I'm so loose MY boyfriend can get his whole fist in me."  The third girl just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d2czh/three_girls_are_sitting_at_a_bar_talking_about/
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I'm on holiday visiting the math dept. at Univ. of Manchester, England.

I guess I'm an Alan Turist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d29oc/im_on_holiday_visiting_the_math_dept_at_univ_of/
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David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."

His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d293m/david_hasselhoff_calls_his_agent_and_demands_i/
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50 ft ladder.

John: "Shit, I just fell off a 50 ft ladder."
Adam: "Oh no, are you okay?"
John: "Yeah it's a good thing I fell off the first step."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d24dt/50_ft_ladder/
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My jokes are like space trash...

They never land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d23nk/my_jokes_are_like_space_trash/
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When I claimed I could post the funniest joke ever on reddit, everyone laughed at me.

They're not laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d205l/when_i_claimed_i_could_post_the_funniest_joke/
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I don't always take the derivative of x^2....

But when I do, it's dos equis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1zj8/i_dont_always_take_the_derivative_of_x2/
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What did the Italian dressing say to the French dressing?

Nothing. Dressings don't have arms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1yx7/what_did_the_italian_dressing_say_to_the_french/
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Pavlov's doorbell

One tuesday afternoon Ivan Pavlov is reading the paper, when his neighbour rings the doorbell. Ivan jumps up out of his chair, suddenly remembering: "Shit, I need to feed the dogs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1ys4/pavlovs_doorbell/
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What do people typically get at Whole Foods?

Ripped off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1yn7/what_do_people_typically_get_at_whole_foods/
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An American, an Indian and a Greek go to hell...

An american, an indian and a greek find themselves in hell. Satan reveals himself and tells them "you are all condemned to spend your eternity in hell. HOWEVER, I will give you one chance to make it to heaven. I will whip your back thrice with this mighty whip. If you show no pain, I will allow you to heaven. If you flinch at all, you stay in hell. You may choose one item to protect your back from the three cracks I will inflict on you"
First is the American. When asked what he will use for protection, he requests a rock. A big rock is placed on his back *CRACK* the first crack of the whip breaks the rock *CRACK* the second one hits the american's back and he howls in pain. The american stays in hell.
Second is the Indian. When he is asked what he would like to protect his back, he says "Nothing. I have been practicing meditation my whole life and have an immense pain tolerance. I will require no item to help me" Satan, although surprised, agrees. *CRACK* nothing  *CRACK* no reaction at all *CRACK* not even a flinch
"well" says satan "thats impressive. you are free to go to heaven"
The Indian replies "wait, first I want to see how the Greek handles this. The Greeks always seem to weasel their way out of things and I will take joy in seeing him fail in this"
"So be it" says Satan. He then asks the Greek "What will you choose to protect you from my mighty whip?"
The Greek replies "ill take the Indian guy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1wdf/an_american_an_indian_and_a_greek_go_to_hell/
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How do you stop a baby from crawling in a circle?

Put a nail in it's other hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1ul5/how_do_you_stop_a_baby_from_crawling_in_a_circle/
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What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 12.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1tep/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_a_priest/
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There should be an MtF superhero group.

They would be the Ex-Men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1rak/there_should_be_an_mtf_superhero_group/
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What does Bill Cosby have in common with a Pokemon trainer?

He makes sure his catch is weak before he throws his balls at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1qax/what_does_bill_cosby_have_in_common_with_a/
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Funny and offensive

What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? Bingo machine.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex, too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1oj6/funny_and_offensive/
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The Ins And Outs Of Baseball

This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.
When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.
When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.
The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1i09/the_ins_and_outs_of_baseball/
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Once a feud broke out between boys and girls...

..in a college. To take revenge the boys posted on the notice board- 50 percent of the girls are stupid.
The girls got infuriated, and demanded justice. Its only when the college administration pressurized the boys to change what they have written on the notice board, the situation was brought under control.
The new message said: "50 percent of the girls are not stupid".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1h33/once_a_feud_broke_out_between_boys_and_girls/
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Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog

.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1h1y/some_scientists_decided_to_do_the_following/
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What's worse than finding hair in your food?

Finding out the chef is bald.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1fz5/whats_worse_than_finding_hair_in_your_food/
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Sexually active

I was sexually active at 12....its now 12.14am and my hand is fuckin killing me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1d2g/sexually_active/
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What's the difference between a wife and a dog?

The later you get home, the happier one is to see you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d1ab4/whats_the_difference_between_a_wife_and_a_dog/
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Three slabs of concrete walk into a bar

They sit down, order drinks and start bragging about how strong they are. As they're doing this a small bit of green tarmac walks in and they hide under the table as it orders its drink.
When it leaves they all get up and the barman asks them
"What's up with you guys? I thought all of you were tough."
"Oh, we're tough," they said, "but he's a cycle path."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d19tn/three_slabs_of_concrete_walk_into_a_bar/
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How did Jesus get his beach bod for the summer?

Cross fit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d17av/how_did_jesus_get_his_beach_bod_for_the_summer/
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In the sauna

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. 'I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.'
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'
The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eye brows and stared at her. The older woman finally said... 'Well, will you look at that...
I'm getting a fax!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d0xr3/in_the_sauna/
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Why don't you mess with one-ply toilet paper?

It doesn't take shit from anyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d0wum/why_dont_you_mess_with_oneply_toilet_paper/
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GRANDPA'S CONDOMS

An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d0s8i/grandpas_condoms/
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One day Junior brings his Grandfather to school to share his stories as a Franco-American fighter pilot during WW2

His stories are wonderfully delightful and told with a thick French accent, while gesturing wildly using his hands to describe the movement of the airplanes.
“Zee fawkers fly like zees. Zen I fly like zees. Then zee fawkers fly back like zees, zen I pull up like zees. I shoots zee fawkers right out of the sky.”
The teacher said, “I'm sorry to interrupt, sir. I know you kids are giggling but I want to be clear that a Fokker is a type of aircraft.”
The Ace said, “certainmont, cherie. But zees fawkers were flying Mescherschmits.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d0pjh/one_day_junior_brings_his_grandfather_to_school/
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A teacher asks her class what noise a pig makes...

Lil Tyrone raises his hand and says "Freeze mothafucka!"
I guess there aren't any farms in Detroit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d0lxd/a_teacher_asks_her_class_what_noise_a_pig_makes/
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A Very Short Man

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d0lvl/a_very_short_man/
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Pavlov's birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field.  At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.  The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d0k4m/pavlovs_birds/
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A Frenchmen, A Englishman and an American are traveling in the Amazon

When suddenly a cannibal tribe captures them. The cannibal leader steps forward and states "It is nothing against you men. We all have been raised cannibals and need to eat. Every scrap will be used including your skin to make a boat. We will, however, give you the option on how you want to die. Frenchman how do you wish to die?"
The Frenchman mulls it over for a minute and declares "I'll use a gun." The tribe gives him a pistol with one bullet. The Frenchman's last words were "Vive La France" and shoots himself.
"Englishman how do you wish to die?" The Englishman thinks it over for a few minutes and states "I'll use some poison." The tribe provides the poison. The Englishman says "Long live the Queen" drinks and dies.
The tribe then turns to the American. Then American demands "I want a fork" without waiting for the question. Confused, the tribe provides him with a fork. The American then begins to stab himself all over. With a horrified look on their faces the American yells "NOW TRY TO BUILD A BOAT BITCH" and dies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d0fca/a_frenchmen_a_englishman_and_an_american_are/
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There are 10 types of people in the world...

those who understand binary and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d0df2/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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A blonde goes to a barber with a pair of headphones on...

The barber asks for her to take them off so he can cut her hair and she screams that he can't. He murmurs under his breath but begins to attempt to cut her hair. He is almost finished but he can't cut the hair under the damn headphones. He decides to make the decision himself by removing them. Once he is done he puts them back on her head and he notices she has died. When the officer arrives he checks the headphones to see what was so important. The headphones repeat the words "breathe in, breathe out".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d09m0/a_blonde_goes_to_a_barber_with_a_pair_of/
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A Scottish man goes to his first baseball game...

He knows nothing about the game so when the first batter got walked, the Scotsman asked the fans next to him what happened.
"He got four balls, so he gets to go to first base freely," to which the Scotsman stood, and clapping loudly, shouted "Walk proud, lad! Walk proud!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d09an/a_scottish_man_goes_to_his_first_baseball_game/
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Why Did Princess Diana Cross The Street?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d08zx/why_did_princess_diana_cross_the_street/
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What does a duck say when it goes to the doctor?

Quack

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d05t7/what_does_a_duck_say_when_it_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Explanation of the crisis in Italy & Greece.

A small town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".
Soon after, the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply
amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said;
"You see that bridge over there?"
The Italian replied; "No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d04di/explanation_of_the_crisis_in_italy_greece/
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A penis is like an elbow....

Don't put it on the table during dinner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d03pz/a_penis_is_like_an_elbow/
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How does a lawyer name their kids?

Bill and Sue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d03j8/how_does_a_lawyer_name_their_kids/
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Why do pedophiles love reddit?

There are so many immature assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d007t/why_do_pedophiles_love_reddit/
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A Collection of "What do you Call"s

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No Ideer!
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
*Still* no Ideer!
. . .
What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhinoceros?
Elephino, but let's get away from that huge thing!
. . .
If you need explaining, ask in the comments! Thanks for reading!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3czven/a_collection_of_what_do_you_calls/
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I walked into my local community center.

I was visiting a local community center because I was interested in learning a new hobby.
On my way to the office, I passed a group of guys in a beat boxing class.
I walked in and decided to try and fit in with my beatboxing skills, "bootssskts bootsskts uhh uhh my name is Chris, Yall mutha fuckas aint ready for this. Wickawickabtssssss" I leaned back in the first chair I saw, confident I gained their respect.
One of the boys walks up to me and spat one back at me
"Th-Th-Th-This is a speech therapy class."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3czt79/i_walked_into_my_local_community_center/
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A sandwich walks into a bar

The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3czr71/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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A kid got in trouble for masturbating in the coat room

All he did was jacket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3czo7w/a_kid_got_in_trouble_for_masturbating_in_the_coat/
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Don't you hate it, when you offer someone help

and the other person says yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3czmw2/dont_you_hate_it_when_you_offer_someone_help/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*choking noise*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3czkqv/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

Although the doctor says I am okay, I still feel like I dyed a little inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3czhar/i_accidentally_swallowed_some_food_coloring/
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I just read that Disney is making a sequel to Bambi. He gets revenge on the hunters that killed his mother. They're calling it.......

Bambo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3czgya/i_just_read_that_disney_is_making_a_sequel_to/
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How many Reddit admins does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they like to keep the mods in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3czgec/how_many_reddit_admins_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"
The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."
The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."
The man, very grateful, replies, "Yes! That would be nice. Thank you so much, sir." He points at the end of the road and says, "There's another family of 5 there. They also haven't eaten in a long time! Would you mind if they come along as well?"
The businessman says, "Sure, as long as they can fit in my car. My house isn't far down this road so it shouldn't be a problem. Besides, I haven't mowed my lawn in months."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cz9ig/a_successful_businessman_is_driving_home_and_sees/
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Two Kids Walk by an Old man on his porch

Two kids walk by an old man on his porch with some duct tape in their hands.
The old man says "what are you kids doing with the duct tape?"
The kids reply, "we are off to go catch some ducks". To which the old man replies "You will never catch any ducks with that!"
Sure enough the kids come back with several ducks.
The next day the kids come walking by the old mans house with some chicken wire.
The old man says "What are you kids doing with the chicken wire"
The Kids reply "we are off to go catch some chickens" to which the old man replies "You cant catch chickens with chicken wire".
Sure enough the kids come back with several chickens.
The next day the kids come walking down the street with some pussy willow.
The old man says "Let me go get my hat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cz5xb/two_kids_walk_by_an_old_man_on_his_porch/
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Pork shoulder meat, ham meat, salt, water, preservatives.

Sorry, that was spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cz3ud/pork_shoulder_meat_ham_meat_salt_water/
%
It would be great to be born on Earth and die on Mars.

Preferably not on the point of impact.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cz3fe/it_would_be_great_to_be_born_on_earth_and_die_on/
%
What does a lesbian pirate say?

Scissor me timbers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cz0x6/what_does_a_lesbian_pirate_say/
%
Why do failing college girls always screw their professors?

Cause they want the D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cz0ts/why_do_failing_college_girls_always_screw_their/
%
I asked god for a bike but I knew it didn't work that way...

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cz093/i_asked_god_for_a_bike_but_i_knew_it_didnt_work/
%
Why does a farmer fuck his sheep at the edge of a cliff?

So the sheep will push back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cyve2/why_does_a_farmer_fuck_his_sheep_at_the_edge_of_a/
%
What do you call a women who always knows where her husband is?

A widow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cytek/what_do_you_call_a_women_who_always_knows_where/
%
Scientists discover diarrhea can be hereditary

It runs in your jeans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cym6p/scientists_discover_diarrhea_can_be_hereditary/
%
If two feminists get drunk and hook up,

were they both raped?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cyk76/if_two_feminists_get_drunk_and_hook_up/
%
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek.

lt’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cye5d/einstein_newton_and_pascal_are_playing_hide_and/
%
Where do bees go to the bathroom at?

at the [BP Station](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b8/Bp_station_zanesville_ohio.jpg)
*Sorry, I know...its a Dad joke.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cybct/where_do_bees_go_to_the_bathroom_at/
%
Two men are walking through the forest when they stumble upon a large sinkhole.

Guy says, "Woah! This thing looks deep; how deep down do you think it goes?" The two men search around for a long stick or branch to assess the depth, but find nothing of use. They continue their search and they stumble across an old, rusty anvil; and naturally, they haul the anvil over and toss it into the hole. They wait and wait, but they don't hear anything happen. Suddenly, a donkey comes running full speed ahead and just leaps into the sinkhole. The two men are shocked, "Did you see that donkey!? I've never seen an animal sprint like that!" Minutes later, a farmer comes sprinting into the scene and says, "Guys! Have you seen my donkey? He was just on the farm and completely took off!" One of the men answers back, "He was just here! He came sprinting through the woods and took a leap into this sink hole!" The farmer answers back, "No, that's absolutely impossible. He was tied to an anvil."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cy93d/two_men_are_walking_through_the_forest_when_they/
%
My wife caught me cheating last night and i feel so ashamed and full of regret.

She's never going to play monopoly with me again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cy6pa/my_wife_caught_me_cheating_last_night_and_i_feel/
%
A Hardcore atheist, A dedicated vegan, and an avid cross-fiter walk into a bar. how can you tell which one is which?

They tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cy26c/a_hardcore_atheist_a_dedicated_vegan_and_an_avid/
%
Did you hear the submarine construction business closed down?

Shame they went under

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cy13a/did_you_hear_the_submarine_construction_business/
%
What did the group of unborn babies say when they were hungry?

Fetus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cy0xk/what_did_the_group_of_unborn_babies_say_when_they/
%
What sexual position makes an ugly baby?

ask your parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxwqn/what_sexual_position_makes_an_ugly_baby/
%
what did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxs3v/what_did_the_boy_with_no_arms_get_for_christmas/
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A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by

, the longest procession he's ever seen.  It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men.  After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen.  What happened, who is the funeral for?"
"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-in-law of the man at the front of the procession.  You see, his Doberman attacked and killed her."
"That's awful!", replies the onlooker.  "But... um... tell me, you don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxrzi/a_man_is_walking_along_when_he_sees_a_funeral/
%
Small Head

A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxrqg/small_head/
%
A man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs it and a genie comes out and say "hello! You have found my lamp and I shall grant you one wish. Perhaps the one thing you want most in life." The man thinks and responds "well, I've really wanted to go to Hawaii so I want you to build a bridge from San Diego to Hawaii." The genie responds "that's impossible! Think about the logistics! How would the supports reach the bottom on the ocean? Who would maintain it? No, ask for something else." So the man thinks again and says "well, I've been divorced 4 times and my current marriage isn't going well so I just want to be able to understand what is going on in my wife's mind, just to be able to understand her more." The genie responds "do you want a two lane highway or four."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxprb/a_man_finds_a_magic_lamp/
%
DRIVER WITH LUCK

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxppo/driver_with_luck/
%
when a fly drops 6 inches...

One day there was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake, a fish sitting below the water waiting for the fly to drop so he could eat it, a bear watching the fish and waiting for the fish to come up to the surface to he could eat it, a hunter sitting  and eating crackers waiting for the bear to move so he could run down and kill it, a mouse watching the crackers and waiting for the hunter to move so he could get the crackers, and a cat watching the mouse and waiting for it to come  out of its hole so he could eat it. Then, the fly drops, the fish eats it, the bear eats the fish, the hunter kills the bear, the mouse gets its crackers, but as the cat is running to go kill the mouse he slips and falls into the lake. Moral of the story? When a fly drops 6 inches... a pussy always gets wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxoxx/when_a_fly_drops_6_inches/
%
What do you call a hoarse Putin?

Rasputin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxl6y/what_do_you_call_a_hoarse_putin/
%
Did you hear about Greek porn?

They can't do money shots anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxjtx/did_you_hear_about_greek_porn/
%
I tried to tell my daughter some jokes….

Me: What do you call a cow with no legs?
Her: Ground beef.
Me: What do you call a cow with one leg?
Her: Steak.
Me: What do you call a cow with two legs?
Her: Mommy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxgug/i_tried_to_tell_my_daughter_some_jokes/
%
What's the difference between your dick and your jokes?

Nobody laughs at your jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxgim/whats_the_difference_between_your_dick_and_your/
%
If the Devil Had a Wife

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxgcj/if_the_devil_had_a_wife/
%
Annoyed by a professor who frequently used “off-color”

examples to augment class lectures, a group of students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme.  Just before class the following day the professor bided time, touching on a few sensitive subjects.  Then halfway through the lecture on foreign cultures, the professor purposely added - "So they say there is quite a shortage of young prostitutes in France…", on cue the students looked at one another, and started for the door.  “No need to hurry folks”, said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane isn’t leaving until tomorrow afternoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxbt4/annoyed_by_a_professor_who_frequently_used/
%
What does Michael Jackson have in common with a second place racehorse?

They both came in a little behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxaib/what_does_michael_jackson_have_in_common_with_a/
%
How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cx8of/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
%
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.

He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cx89r/a_professor_was_giving_a_big_test_one_day_to_his/
%
What did hitler say when he smashed his thumb with a hammer?

"Au, schwitz!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cx4jo/what_did_hitler_say_when_he_smashed_his_thumb/
%
I told my mate

that I couldn't make his wedding as I'm going to a brothel.
"You fucking arsehole" he said.
"Depends how much money I have".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cx4j9/i_told_my_mate/
%
What do you call someone who masturbates on a plane?

A highjacker

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cx41s/what_do_you_call_someone_who_masturbates_on_a/
%
What do you call a dinosaur with good dental hygiene?

A flossiraptor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cx1ya/what_do_you_call_a_dinosaur_with_good_dental/
%
Why do happy people like to sleep in late?

Because they aren't mourning people.
I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cx17g/why_do_happy_people_like_to_sleep_in_late/
%
At a job interview I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.
I responded, "No, I always give 110%."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cx0vk/at_a_job_interview_i_poured_some_water_into_a_cup/
%
PMS Jokes aren't funny.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cx0ol/pms_jokes_arent_funny/
%
Life without women

Would be a pain in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cx065/life_without_women/
%
While in China...

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and Almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.  Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Fall off by itself!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cwwkd/while_in_china/
%
My friend crashed his plane recently

his life has been heading in a downward spiral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cwvw3/my_friend_crashed_his_plane_recently/
%
I went to a premature ejaculation clinic...

... but there was no one there. Guess I came too early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cwv53/i_went_to_a_premature_ejaculation_clinic/
%
What's pale, lives in darkness and sucks blood?

A tampon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cwsem/whats_pale_lives_in_darkness_and_sucks_blood/
%
Have you heard the one about the deaf guy?

He hasn't either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cws5h/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_deaf_guy/
%
A man takes his wife to play her first game of golf...

Unfortunately she hacked the first shot the window of the biggest house next to the course. The man cringed "Now we'll have to go up and apologise and see how much you've cost us".
So the couple walk up to the house and knock. A warm voice said, "Come on in". When they opened the door, they saw a broken antique bottle on the floor beside the broken window. A man reclining on the sofa and asked "Did you break my window?"
"Yes we're really sorry about that" the husband replied.
"Oh no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. I'll grant you three wishes, but if you don't mind I'll keep the last for myself?"
"wow that's great!" the husband said. "I'd like a million pounds per year for the rest of my life"
"No problem" said the genie.
"I'd like a mansion in every country in the world!" said the wife.
"Of course!" said the genie. "Consider it done"
"And now" the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish?"
"Well I've been in that bottle without a woman for a thousand years, so my wish is to make love to your wife"
The husband looked at his wife. "What do you think?"
She thought for a few moments then said "Well the genie has granted our wishes so the last I could do is grant his. But what about you darling?"
"You know I love you" He said.
So the genie and the wife spent the afternoon making love upstairs and enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about 3 hours, the genie rolled over and said "How old are you and your husband?"
"we're both 35" she replied breathlessly.
"Really?!" he said "Thirty-five years old and you still believe in genies?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cwr79/a_man_takes_his_wife_to_play_her_first_game_of/
%
What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water?

I just got laid by a chick and now I'm getting hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cwq1z/what_did_the_egg_say_after_he_was_put_in_a_pot_of/
%
Father teaches how to catch a fish

One morning, John was sitting near a river to catch a fish. He had his fish hook in the river for hours with no success. Suddenly he sees a Father running towards the river. Father sits near the river, puts his two fingers in the river and voila - he catches 4 fishes and goes back. John is amazed. For next few mornings, John sits near the same river to catch fish with no success and watches Father coming everyday to catch 4 fishes with his two fingers.
One morning he couldn't resist his temptation and stopped the Father to ask
John: Father O Father, I see you everyday catching fish with your little trick. Can I beg you to teach me the same?
Father: Of course my son. It is very simple, but first tell me whether you are married?
John: Yes Father I am
Father: Fantastic!. What you have to do tomorrow morning is, wake up before your wife does and put two fingers inside her vagina and collect as much vaginal fluid as you can. Then run towards the river and put your fingers in the river, and you will catch 4 fishes.
John: That's easy, I will do it tomorrow morning.
That night John couldn't sleep in excitement and as soon as it was dawn, he reaches out to her wife's vagina. When he inserts his fingers, his wife suddenly wakes up rubbing her eyes and says "Good Morning Father!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cwovw/father_teaches_how_to_catch_a_fish/
%
When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cwlri/when_is_bedtime_at_michael_jacksons_house/
%
The French word for shoe insole is semelle,

which they often do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cwfaa/the_french_word_for_shoe_insole_is_semelle/
%
So I got asked if I wanted a threesome...

I said no thanks, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cwb4z/so_i_got_asked_if_i_wanted_a_threesome/
%
A lady noticed her friend was wearing her wedding ring on the wrong finger

so she asked, "Why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Her friend replied, "Because I married the wrong man!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cw7qk/a_lady_noticed_her_friend_was_wearing_her_wedding/
%
British Airways. Breakfast in London. Dinner in New York.

Luggage in Tokyo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cw7b6/british_airways_breakfast_in_london_dinner_in_new/
%
My dad was a magician...

He could be walking down the street and turn into a bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cw4gd/my_dad_was_a_magician/
%
A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?

Germany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cw1jo/a_portuguese_a_greek_and_a_spaniard_go_into_a/
%
Custer's Last Stand...

A billionaire wanted a painting made for his home, depicting what General Custer was thinking right before he died. He told the artist he wanted it done in a week and he would return then to see it. When he returned, he was confused to see only a few cows, with halos, and hundreds of indians having sex with each other.
The billionaire screamed "what the hell is this?!?!"
The artist then said "this is what you wanted.."
"not at all! I did not want this filth. I wanted Custer's last thoughts!" said the billionaire.
The artist smiled. "and there you are! I call it 'Holy cow! Look at all those fucking indians!' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cvwum/custers_last_stand/
%
Do you know Forest Gump's Facebook password?

1Forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cvvz9/do_you_know_forest_gumps_facebook_password/
%
Pinocchio was going down on his GF, she started yelling lie to me, lie to me.

Pinocchio:" i love you"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cvvp8/pinocchio_was_going_down_on_his_gf_she_started/
%
What does a gay crow say?

COCK COCK COCK COCk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cvvls/what_does_a_gay_crow_say/
%
Three little old ladies are sitting at a bus stop...

...when suddenly a man in a trench coat runs up to them and tears open the coat, flashing them his manly parts.
Two of the little old ladies immediately have a stroke.
The third couldn't quite reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cvspx/three_little_old_ladies_are_sitting_at_a_bus_stop/
%
Pumping up his stomach

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex and the mother throws on a robe and rushes him out of the room. "I was just hopping on daddy's big belly to make it smaller" she says, but the little boy tells her "That's useless because every time you go shopping the neighbor lady comes and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cvn7s/pumping_up_his_stomach/
%
Guy in bar has an altercation with an older man...

Some young guys were going to the pub for a few drinks. They were drinking merrily when this old drunk guy quips up to one of the youngsters, "Hey, I had a great time with your mom last night!". They decided to ignore him and continue drinking. After a while the old man speaks up again, "Your mom gave the best blowjob ever a few weeks ago!". The young guy was starting to get pissed, but kept a level head and continued to enjoy his time with his friends. The old man, getting annoyed that he was ignored, shouted "HEY YOU, your mom loves getting anal doggy-style!!" The youngster, now completely pissed off, walks up to the old man and says "You're drunk dad, go home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cvgwq/guy_in_bar_has_an_altercation_with_an_older_man/
%
A doctor says to his patient...

A Doctor says to his patient:
"I have some good news... and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Patient:
"Give me the bad news first."
Doctor:
"The bad news is... we're going to have to amputate your feet."
Patient:
"and what's the good news?!!!"
Doctor:
"The good news is, the guy in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cvgm7/a_doctor_says_to_his_patient/
%
What is a white supremacist's favorite dessert?

Cake Cake Cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cvfs0/what_is_a_white_supremacists_favorite_dessert/
%
You hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cvdrb/you_hear_about_the_two_guys_who_stole_a_calendar/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cvbjg/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Went to a sex shop today

Said to the guy at the counter if they had any sex dolls...
He replied "do you want a white one or Muslim one?"
I asked what the difference was as he replied "the Muslim one blows itself up!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cvba1/went_to_a_sex_shop_today/
%
What do you call a German who is up themselves?

A deutsche-bag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cvb95/what_do_you_call_a_german_who_is_up_themselves/
%
Yesterday my wife got stung by a bee while golfing

I asked where, and she informed me it was between the first and second holes.  Being the helpful type, I advised her that her stance was too wide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cvb4c/yesterday_my_wife_got_stung_by_a_bee_while_golfing/
%
Nic Cage was a straight A highschool student

but he slacked off one semester.
When he got his report card, he shouted "Bs! Not the Bs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cv96m/nic_cage_was_a_straight_a_highschool_student/
%
What do my jokes have in common with toilet paper?

They're both tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cv7pv/what_do_my_jokes_have_in_common_with_toilet_paper/
%
The worst thing about being deaf is...

when I masturbate, I can't hear anybody come in my room.
*Not even myself.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cv43d/the_worst_thing_about_being_deaf_is/
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What did the fish say when it hit the wall

Dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cuxhr/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_hit_the_wall/
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I was offered sex today by a 26 year old woman..

In exchange of that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on reddit. Of course I declined because of my morals and strong willpower. Which is Just as strong as ajox. The super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cuvci/i_was_offered_sex_today_by_a_26_year_old_woman/
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I just HATE people that make gay jokes...

Fucking assholes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cuuje/i_just_hate_people_that_make_gay_jokes/
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What do you call an angry terrorist?

Amin Amood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cutj7/what_do_you_call_an_angry_terrorist/
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How do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cupre/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
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How did reddit decide to have Ellen resign?

They had a Pao-Wow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cukcs/how_did_reddit_decide_to_have_ellen_resign/
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Is anyone else disappointed about the new CEO of reddit?

Such a re-post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cukc2/is_anyone_else_disappointed_about_the_new_ceo_of/
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What do you call a seamstress who makes things up?

A *fabric*ator.
It was a slow day at work...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cuk15/what_do_you_call_a_seamstress_who_makes_things_up/
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Did you hear about that new restaurant on the Moon?

The food isn't bad, but it has no atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cuj6k/did_you_hear_about_that_new_restaurant_on_the_moon/
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cuj1r/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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A man goes to the beach...

...and he sets himself up to show off his new beach bod.  A few women glance his way, but none strike up a conversation.  He looks a little ways down the beach to see lots of women around an older guy who is nowhere near as chiseled as him.
As the crowd disperses, the man approaches his competition and asks the older man what his secret is.
"Sure, I'll tell you!  It's real easy.  First thing I do before stepping out onto the beach is put a potato in my Speedo.  It's a real eye catcher, if you know what I mean!"
Seeing the older man's success, he decides to give it a try.  The next morning he stops at the market and buys the biggest potato he could find and heads  off to the beach.  He sets himself up like the day before and puts the potato in his Speedo, but now even less women are glancing at him.  Some are even making comments under their breath.
Confused, the man finds the older man from the day before and asks what gives.
"I did it just like you said, stuffed the potato in my Speedo and everything!"
The older man shakes his head in disgust.
"You idiot!  You're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cue4y/a_man_goes_to_the_beach/
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A scout master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

“What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?” he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
“Yes, Davey, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?” asked the scout master.
Davey replied, “A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.”
“Why is that, Davey?” asked the scout master.
“Well,” answered Davey, “the compass is to find the right direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration.”
“And what about the deck of cards?” asked the scout master impatiently.
Davey replied, “Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, ’Put that red nine on top of that black ten.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cu9bq/a_scout_master_was_teaching_his_boy_scouts_about/
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People who put the punchline in the title

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cu60k/people_who_put_the_punchline_in_the_title/
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What's better than seeing a girl wrestle?...

Seeing her box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cu2tu/whats_better_than_seeing_a_girl_wrestle/
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You guys! I'm so excited, I just hooked up with my crush from middle school.

...but now she keeps calling me expecting me to show up at her graduation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cu1vc/you_guys_im_so_excited_i_just_hooked_up_with_my/
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And that's how the fight started...

The judge leaned over the bench and looked at me, saying, "Young man, how exactly did you end up in a fist fight on the side of the freeway?"
"So you see your honor, I was driving down the freeway when I was momentarily distracted.  When I looked back up, the car in front of me had slammed on its brakes and I couldn't stop in time.  Unfortunately, I crashed into the back of it," I said.
"Go on," the judge said.
"Well, we pull over to the side of the road, and the other driver gets out and starts stalking angrily back to my car.  And I couldn't believe it, but he's a fucking little person, a midget, you know?" I ask.
The judge looks at me and says, "I understand that, young man, the defendant is right there.  But how does that have any bearing on what happened?"
"Well," I say, "the defendant stalks angrily up to my window, motioning for me to roll it down.  When I do, he snarls at me, 'I am NOT happy.'  And I just couldn't help myself and said, 'Then which one are you?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cu16o/and_thats_how_the_fight_started/
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So I asked my friend what its like to live in Switzerland..

He said It's pretty cold but the flag is a huge plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ctz52/so_i_asked_my_friend_what_its_like_to_live_in/
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An old farmer...

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cttlk/an_old_farmer/
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For three years, the young attorney

had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ctrnc/for_three_years_the_young_attorney/
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A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year...

... at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him.
One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czech friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!"
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods.
"Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cto65/a_very_wealthy_lawyer_vacationed_for_several/
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Tried to take a photograph of some fog

Mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ctmvp/tried_to_take_a_photograph_of_some_fog/
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A man sits down at the bar next to another man...

"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland"
"I'm from Ireland too! Get this man a drink"
The second man asks
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"I'm from Leinster"
"I'm from Leinster too! Get THIS man a drink"
"Where in Leinster are you from?"
"I'm from Dublin"
"No fucking way! I'm from Dublin too! Get this  man ANOTHER drink!"
"Where did you go to school?"
"I went to St. Andrews"
"NO FUCKING WAY! I went to St. Andrews too!"
A man at the other end of the bar is sitting there, mouth open in amazement. The bartender walks over and says,
"Don't mind them, it's just the O'Shaunessy twins getting drunk again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ctg2h/a_man_sits_down_at_the_bar_next_to_another_man/
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Why are Americans fat?

Because they think E=MC Donalds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ctcp4/why_are_americans_fat/
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What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong *walked on the moon* but Michael Jackson was a *pedophile.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ct99x/whats_the_difference_between_neil_armstrong_and/
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There once lived a man named Olf...

...and because he was also drunk and red-face, they called him Olf the Red. One day, he looked out the window and saw that it was about to rain, so he said to his wife, "Honey, I think it's about to rain". To which his wife responded, "Are you sure?" Olf looked at the black skies and pouring droplets and said, "Yes, I'm sure." His wife replied, "Oh, you know how you easily mistaken things when you're drunk." And so Olf snapped, "Rude, Olf the Red knows rain, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ct8g3/there_once_lived_a_man_named_olf/
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How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ct5r8/how_did_pinocchio_find_out_he_was_made_of_wood/
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Did you hear about the woman who was in a car accident and the seatbelt cut off her breast?

She had to get a timber prosthetic. It'd be great if this joke had a punchline, wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ct2xf/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_was_in_a_car/
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Somebody stole my Microsoft Office...

Whoever did it will pay. You have my Word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3csysc/somebody_stole_my_microsoft_office/
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Micky talks to his lawyer

His lawyer says " Look Mickey , this is a bad idea , divorcing Minnie. It would be bad for the business. I mean , you can't divorce her for being a little weird "
Mickey says " I didn't say she was weird..... I said she was fucking Goofy "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3csw3m/micky_talks_to_his_lawyer/
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How long does it take to drive across France?

3 days by panzer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3csw1v/how_long_does_it_take_to_drive_across_france/
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What did the seven dwarves say when Snow White finally woke up?

Well, it looks like its back to jerking off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cssyj/what_did_the_seven_dwarves_say_when_snow_white/
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What's the best thing about fucking twenty six year olds?

It's perfectly legal to fuck someone my own age.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3csryw/whats_the_best_thing_about_fucking_twenty_six/
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Jewish sense of humor.

Abe and Esther Goldberg were flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we are going to attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and we will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks.
"God forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss ever in their 40 long years of marriage.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why do you kiss me?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3csqbc/jewish_sense_of_humor/
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Unfinished condom

I just can't seem to build this joke right, but I think it could be funny.
A foreign Cassanova type walks into a pharmacy and tells one of the clerks that his doctor told him to buy something called a " condom. "
The clerk takes him to the aisle with the condoms and starts explaining the types to the Cassanova.
Clerk explains:
Magnum ,this one is for someone very large
Cassanova: Yes I have
Clerk explains:
Flavoured ,this one tastes like strawberries
Cassanova: Yes I have
Clerk explains:
Studded ,this one has bumps she can feel
Cassanova stops the clerk and says: "Yes I have, but this is why my doctor said I need a condom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cspl5/unfinished_condom/
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A boy goes into confession...

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."
"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"
"Oh I can't say."
"Was it Mary Jane?"
"No Father."
"Adalina Mozarelli?"
"My lips are sealed."
"How about Cindy King"
"I can never say."
"Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?"
"No."
"It has to be Tracy Cummings though!"
"Father I will never tell you."
"Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months."
"Ok, Father"
The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?"
The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3csndn/a_boy_goes_into_confession/
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What's common between American beer and making love in a canoe?

It's fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3csmf8/whats_common_between_american_beer_and_making/
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What does an Indian boy say to his mum when he goes out?

Mumbai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3csj3a/what_does_an_indian_boy_say_to_his_mum_when_he/
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I'm having trouble finishing my joke about tree surgery!

Stick joke here!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cs5g1/im_having_trouble_finishing_my_joke_about_tree/
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You know what would be a good name for a cocaine delivery service company?

Instagram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cs0wr/you_know_what_would_be_a_good_name_for_a_cocaine/
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WARNING: There's an email going round...

...offering Processed Pork, Gelatin, and Salt in a Can.
If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT.
It's spam!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cs0nc/warning_theres_an_email_going_round/
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Why did the polar bear join the terrorist group.

Because that is where the ISIS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3crqbg/why_did_the_polar_bear_join_the_terrorist_group/
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A black man, a blue man, a green man, a pink man, a red man and yellow man walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here.  Too much Risk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3crmm5/a_black_man_a_blue_man_a_green_man_a_pink_man_a/
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Three musical notes, A, C and E walk into a bar. ..

The bartender says, "I'm sorry but I'm not allowed to serve a minor. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3crmfe/three_musical_notes_a_c_and_e_walk_into_a_bar/
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My great-grandmother lived to be 106 and never needed glasses.

She always just drank straight from the bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3crls3/my_greatgrandmother_lived_to_be_106_and_never/
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whats the difference between acne and catholic preists

acne doesnt come on a boys face until 13

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3crkfz/whats_the_difference_between_acne_and_catholic/
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If you're Russian when you go into the bathroom, and Finnish when you come out; what are you while in the bathroom?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3crhg2/if_youre_russian_when_you_go_into_the_bathroom/
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A man walks into a brothel

And asks for the madame.
The host says to him "Are you sure? She is our most expensive"
He replies "Yes, I have $1000 ready!"
Shocked at the amount, the host quickly runs up the stairs and grabs the madame and prepares a room for them.
The man walks into the room with the madame and 30 minutes later walks out with a smile on his face and leaves.
The next day, at the exact same time the man returns again with $1000 and only asks for the madame.
Again, the next day the man walks in and asks for her. This time, the madame asks the man "you've been in here 3 times now and have spent a lot of money. Where are you from?"
The man replies "I'm from Berlin. Here for a vacation"
The madame, excited says "My sister is from Berlin!"
To which the man says "I know! I work with her! I told her I was coming here and she wanted to give you $3000!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3crgmg/a_man_walks_into_a_brothel/
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A lumberjack just starts his job in Alaska...

So a lumberjack just starts his job in Alaska and it's been a while since he's been with a woman. So one day, he asks his boss what the other lumberjacks do for pleasure around here. He says "try the hole in the barrel out by the showers." So, the next day, the lumberjack is showering and he decides he'll try sticking his penis through the barrel hole and he goes back to his boss and says "thanks boss, i'll be using the barrel every day thanks to you!" his boss responds "well, every day besides monday." lumberjack responds "whys that?" boss responds "because monday is your day in the barrel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3crg4t/a_lumberjack_just_starts_his_job_in_alaska/
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Why are there no black cults?

Everyone drinks the kool-ade on the first day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cr8pb/why_are_there_no_black_cults/
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I'm not saying that Asians are bad drivers...

But I'm beginning to think that Pearl Harbor was an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cr8jd/im_not_saying_that_asians_are_bad_drivers/
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A man has an accident at the factory where he works...

He calls his wife and says "Meet me at the hospital! I just cut off my finger!"
Wife says "The whole finger?!?"
He says "No, the one next to it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cr6u6/a_man_has_an_accident_at_the_factory_where_he/
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Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

Einstein is it and starts counting. Pascal immediately runs off and hides. Newton just stands there and draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square and sits there waiting for Einstein to finish counting. When Einstein finishes counting, he immediately sees Newton, exclaiming, "You're it!" Newton only smiles and says, "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cr40h/newton_einstein_and_pascal_are_playing_hide_and/
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I thought my dog looked a little cross-eyed...

I took my dog to the vet, as I noticed his eyes were strangely crossed. When I got to the office, I told the vet the problem with my dog. He picked up my dog and stared into his eyes for a while. Then he spoke up "I'm going to have to put your dog down." he said. "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" I exclaimed. "No." the vet said "Because he's heavy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cr3u4/i_thought_my_dog_looked_a_little_crosseyed/
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Babys In Mothers Woom

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that thing in half!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cr1u7/babys_in_mothers_woom/
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The cave of dreams

Three friends grew up together in Seattle their names were Mike, Steve, and Davonte. As children the boys had an odd friend in the homeless gentleman that lived in there neighborhood. They used to tell their parents they were going to an arcade, and head down to the park instead. There they would give thean some change and he would tell them stories about "The cave of dreams" and it's endless treasure.
When it came time for the boys to venture out into the world they made one last trip to the park to see their old friend. There they discovered his body laying peacefully in the grass. His spirit having left in his sleep. Next to his body was an old decrepit piece of parchment Steve picked it up for examination. It was a map which revealed that the fabled cave of dreams was in right there in Seattle hidden in plain sight. The three wanting to honor their departed friend (and more than a little curious about the treasure) decided to enter the cave.
After making the trek, they dove into a lake bags in tow with which to carry their riches. The enter the cave they had to dive into a lake and swim down a passage in it'so bed. On the other end of the passage they emerged to a dark damp underground cave with three paths. Mike took the path on the left Steve took the middle path and Davonte took the path on the right.
As Mike walked down his path he noticed standing water getting progressively deeper the further he walked and he was amazed by how long the path was he had been walking for nearly half an hour and decided to take a break when he leaned up against the wall and realized there was water running down the wall the entire length of the path. He thought this was odd but continued walking thoughts of endless wealth pushing him forward. When he finally got to the end of the path the water was up to his neck. There was a door and on the door was a sign, it read "Beyond this door lies a vast treasure but any who enter will meet a horrible demise". Never the overly cautious type Mike opened the door and found a room the size of a theater filled with more treasure than you could imagine gold, jewels, ancient artifacts the whole shabang. The water rushed through the doorway but seemed to drain somehow into the floor if the treasure room. Mike stuffed his bag and pocket with as much treasure as he could carry and discovered an exit at the back of the room.
Steve who took the middle path walked down the path and as he got further down he noticed it getting hotter and hotter. Before too long he had to rest and he went to lean up against the wall but immediately yanked his hand back for the wall was hot like a pan just off the stove. By the time he got to the end of the path it was so hot he could hardly breath. There was an identical door to the one Mike came across but Steve too ignored the cryptic message and entered the next room. Relief washed over him as the cool air from the treasure room overpowered the heat. He gathered as much treasure as he could and exited through the back.
Now all that remained was Davonte he noticed that the floor to his path was slippery and he felt strange occasional tremors in the ground but thought nothing of it and continued down the path. Like his friendson Davonte eventually had to rest and went to lean against the wall the wall too was slippery and he realized the tremors he had been experiencing were caused by the surrounding corridor pulsating like it was a living thing. Davonte was scared but the promise of treasure kept him going until he too came to an identical door with the same sign. He passed through it cautiously on the other side was a similar treasure to what his friends found and after gathering all he could he exited through the back, there he found his friends waiting they told each other all about their adventures on the way back into town.
As the years went by the friends branched off and began to live their own lives. Exactly five years later they were all quite successful the treasure was worth more than the had ever imagined each piece being nearly priceless. Mike was out on his yacht with his third supermodel wife when he went inside to use the rest room. After doing his business he turned n the faucet to was his hands but the moment his skin made contact with the water he evaporated, vanished in thin air. It was assumed his wife pushed him over the edge in hopes of obtaining his wealth, and though saddened by news of their friends demise Steve an Davonte failed to make the connection between it and the cave of dreams.
Another five years pass and Steve is close to bankruptcy. He had managed to squander almost all of his wealth living a lifestyle that an emperor could only describe as lavish and overly self-indulgent. Depressed he had turned to drugs and spiraled downwards to more and more dangerous substances. He ran a spoonful of heroin over a flame so that he could inject it into his arm. For just a moment the flame came in contact with his skin and when it did he evaporated into thin air. A search team was formed but Steve was of course never found. Everyone assumed a drug deal had gone bad and that Steve was at the bottom of the ocean somewhere, everyone except Davonte.
While his friends wasted their money partying, Davonte was building an empire. He made the connection that both of his friend died on the same day and then that it was the day they visited the cave. He didn't know what it was but he knew that there was some force at work, and that the sign on the door had been true, most importantly though he knew he had five years and he wasn't going down without a fight.
Using his vast wealth he began construction on a fortress strong enough to withstand any attack and had his living quarters placed in the center with layers of protection on all sides. He bought out private military corporations and built a private army that rivaled many countries in strength. When the day finally arrived he sat nervously in his room his entire army spread throughout. With orders to report any strange activity. Sure enough a strange geometrical shape appeared on the radar traveling towards the fortress at incredible speeds. When it came in contact with the outer wall it broke through without taking a scratch. It slowed down significantly and started creeping through the fortress Davontes soldiers showered it with ammunition an explosives but nothing seemed to affect it it broke through wall after wall until it came to the innermost layer where Steve waited  with his 10 best men. The object was dark brown and floated through the air directly toward Davonte unaffected by the soldiers efforts to stop it. Davonte was terrified he ran into the bathroom and slammed the door but of course the object busted right through. Davonte could now clearly see the object was a box or a coffin to be exact if he hadnt been so scared he may have laughed, his own coff in was coming to kI'll hin. He knew then that it was over but still he weakly struggled against it. He ripped the curtain rod off the shower and threw it at the coffin. He started yelling at it and throwing anything he could at it a scented candle, tylenol, soap, shampoo. When it was only feet away and still creeping forward he grabbed the last thing near him a pack of Vick's Cold and Flu and threw it. The coffin stopped. Davonte let out a nervous laugh, he'd done it he'd cheated the prophecy and survived. He built a family and lived a long joy filled life never once taking any of it for granted, knowing how lucky he was to be alive.
That may seem like the moral of the story, love life you never know when it'll end, but it isn't. The actual moral of the story is that VICK'S. WILL. STOP. YOUR. COFFIN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cr043/the_cave_of_dreams/
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Mom, triplets and a smoking gun.

A mother, pregnant with triplets, was shopping in the local convenience store. Suddenly a man came in with a gun, held up the owner, and demanded all their cash.
The owner, tired of being robbed, also pull out a gun. And in the ensuing gun fire the mother was shot three times in her stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where by some miracle her and all three of her children survived. Months later she gave birth to three healthy babies, 2 girls and a boy.
Year go by, the children are now 12. One day one of the girl came crying to her mother. "Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out." So to calm her child, the mother told her what had happened 13 years ago. Few days later the other girl came to her crying about the same thing: "Mommy! I was peeing and a bullet came out!" Again the mother told her what happened.
A week go by, this time the boy comes running to his mother. "What wrong my son?" The mother asks. "Did you also pee and a bullet came out?"
"No mom." The boy said shyly. "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cqwbb/mom_triplets_and_a_smoking_gun/
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What do you call a man riding a cow in the dark with only his socks on?

Married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cqowf/what_do_you_call_a_man_riding_a_cow_in_the_dark/
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For almost a year I thought I was a man trapped inside a woman's body

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cqnyk/for_almost_a_year_i_thought_i_was_a_man_trapped/
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You know what they say about vasectomies...

There's a vas deferens between the good ones and the bad ones.
Thought of this yesterday, probobally done before but whatever

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cqkg3/you_know_what_they_say_about_vasectomies/
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A man and a pickle slicer

A man works at a factory. One day, he goes to see his doctor.
"Listen Doc, I have to be honest. Recently I've been wanting to stick my dick in the pickle slicer at work."
The Doctor, shocked, says "Wh-Why? No, don't do that!"
"But it's just so tempting."
"Listen, just get some rest, go to work, and come back tomorrow."
The man leaves, go's to work, and comes back the next day.
"I did it, doc. I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer."
"Oh-Oh god! What...what happened?"
"Oh, I got fired."
"Well, what about the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cqiye/a_man_and_a_pickle_slicer/
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The last time I refused a beer...

I misunderstood the question

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cqgq0/the_last_time_i_refused_a_beer/
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Scottish Women...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cqdp6/scottish_women/
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A girl I knew had an amazing tattoo of a seashell on her thigh...

When you put your ear next to it you could smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cqc4x/a_girl_i_knew_had_an_amazing_tattoo_of_a_seashell/
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I hosted my very first orgy last night and it was a total disaster

Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cqa2y/i_hosted_my_very_first_orgy_last_night_and_it_was/
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A guy goes to his friend

and says "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees and after mass, he starts talking to the priest and asking him all sorts of stupid questions just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets pissed and asks the guy what he's really up to. The man feeling guilty confesses - my friend is sleeping with your wife right now.
The priest smiles n says - You better hurry home now. My wife died 10 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cq83g/a_guy_goes_to_his_friend/
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Holocaust Joke

How does a German guy pick up a hot Jewish girl?
With a dustpan and a broom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cq5za/holocaust_joke/
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What is the epitome of sex with the elderly?

Knitted condoms!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cq47l/what_is_the_epitome_of_sex_with_the_elderly/
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Did you hear the one about the Mexican magician?

He told his audience that he'd disappear on the count of 3. He counted "Uno! Dos!"... And disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cq41o/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_mexican_magician/
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Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals

to increase their diversity...
... "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cq35m/recently_a_large_corporation_hired_several/
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One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms
around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cq1qe/one_night_a_wife_found_her_husband_standing_over/
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A guy buys his daughter birthcontrol

A guy goes into a pharmacy and says "I need to get birth control for my teenage daughter" the pharmacist says "oh, your daughter is sexually active?" and the guy says "No, she just lays there like her bitch mother"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cq14k/a_guy_buys_his_daughter_birthcontrol/
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A penguin is driving alone through the desert...

Along the highway he spots an ice-cream stand and pulls over for a cone. He tries to eat it while driving, but being a penguin and not having any thumbs, he gets most of it all over his face. A few miles down the road there is a loud *BANG*, and his car starts smoking and sputtering. He pulls over and calls a tow truck. The truck driver spends a few minutes looking under the hood and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No no! Its just ice-cream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cq06b/a_penguin_is_driving_alone_through_the_desert/
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Helen Keller walks into a bar

Then a chair, then a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cpk42/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
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Took my wife to the doctor today, to try and get her tourettes sorted

Turns out that she doesn't have it, and I am actually a cunt and she wants me to fuck off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cpipm/took_my_wife_to_the_doctor_today_to_try_and_get/
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Mom, I won the Super Bowl!

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens.
The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find
a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the
coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
Mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands
of
my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week,
and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,... "I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cpeqr/mom_i_won_the_super_bowl/
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I was going to make a joke about an oil refinery...

but I didn't want to make a crude joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cpc7t/i_was_going_to_make_a_joke_about_an_oil_refinery/
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Chicken Sex

A broke, horny man named Dave went to his local brothel with $10 to try and get some action. Dave slams his money on the front counter and says, "What can I get for $10?"
The receptionist says, "All our $10 girls are busy but we do have a chicken."
"A chicken?" Dave says
"Yes sir, this chicken has never received any complaints. What do you say?" explains the receptionist.
"Fuck it" Dave takes the chicken to an empty room and proceeds to have sex with it.
The next day, Dave thinks to himself, "That chicken pussy wasn't too bad for $10. I can afford to go there again today." Dave goes back to the brothel, slams his money on the front counter and says, "I'm here for the chicken."
The receponist looks confused and says, "Chicken???, ohhhh, that was yesterdays special. Today, we have a room where you can go in and watch our sexiest 3 girls go at it HARDCORE! You just can't touch them."
Dave says,"Yeah, sounds like a deal!" Dave then walks up a flight of steps and into a room filled with a bunch of dudes looking down through a glass floor. Sure enough, there's 3 sexy ass lesbians going at it. Dave's stoked! He starts walking around to get a better look and bumps into a guy by accident. Dave tells the guy, "Not bad for $10 huh?"
The guy yells, "You should have been here yesterday, there was a guy FUCKING A CHICKEN!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cp9zk/chicken_sex/
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What's the difference between a pedophile and a pro golfer?

A pedophile always finishes in under 18 holes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cp70f/whats_the_difference_between_a_pedophile_and_a/
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Two workers and a managerial looking guy are walking down a park path with a shovel.

Every 20 feet they stop, one worker digs a small hole in the ground, and the other one fills it back up, while the managerial dude watches on with a pencil and clipboard in hand.
A bored passerby watches the trio do this for a half hour, and finally comes up to them and asks, "Excuse me, what are you doing?"
The man with the clipboard barks back, "Well, what does it look like we're doing?"
"It looks like your first worker keeps digging holes, and the second worker is filling them back up - but I can't figure out what the point is."
"Ah, I see your confusion.  Bill was supposed to be the *third* worker.  Steve would've been planting the trees, but we had to downsize his position for budget reasons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cp3o4/two_workers_and_a_managerial_looking_guy_are/
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A bar owner puts out a challenge

He puts an ad in the paper saying that if anyone can beat his bartender in a feat of strength, then he will give them 10,000$. So people come from all over trying to win the money, bodybuilders, construction workers, boxers, but nobody can beat him. In order to win, they must squeeze just one drop of juice out of a lemon after the bartender squeezes it. So one day a skinny man in a suit with point dexter glasses walks in and says he can beat the bartender in the feat of strength. After everyone in the bar stops laughing, the bartender says ok and start squeezing and squeezing until there's almost nothing left in the lemon. So he hands it to the man and in just ten seconds the skinny man gets 6 drops out of the lemon. The owner of the bar gives him his money and says "before you go, tell me, how did you do that? Are you a magician? Martial artist? How in the world did you beat him?" And the man replies "oh no no no, I work for the IRS."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cp0my/a_bar_owner_puts_out_a_challenge/
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Old Joe and the miner

A grizzled old miner comes out of the wilderness and steps into the pub. Pulling out a gold nugget and placing it on the bar he asks the bartender "You got any whiskey in this establishment?"
The bartender complies and places a glass and a bottle in front of the miner.
After a few drinks the miner asks the bartender "You got any women in this establishment?"
The bartender replies "No, but we've got old Joe out back."
The miner shakes his head and says. "It's been a long while, but I'm not into that sort of thing."
After quite a few more drinks he calls the bartender over again and says "So lets say I was into that sort of thing after all, who would have to know about it?"
"Just you, me and those guys at the table over there" replies the bartender.
"Those guys? Why would those guys need to know?" asks the miner
"Well they gotta hold Old Joe down. He's not into that sort of thing either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cp0is/old_joe_and_the_miner/
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Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?

Cause if you dragged them by the feet, they'd fill up with dirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cp09m/why_did_cavemen_drag_their_women_by_the_hair/
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It Hurts all Over

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.  "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific. "The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cozry/it_hurts_all_over/
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Fat Bobby

A 9 year old boy named Bobby is sitting on a park bench by himself, shoveling candy bars into his mouth.  This isn't hyperbole, he has a bowl filled with mini candy bars and he is using his hand to shovel them into his mouth.  This clearly isn't his first venture into junk food.  Bobby is fat.  Real fat.  A woman sitting across from him can't take it anymore and goes over to sit next to Bobby.
"You know, eating all of those candy bars isn't good for your health.  You should eat more fruit and vegetables, you will lose weight and live a longer, healthier life"
Bobby pauses, then replies "My grandfather lived to be 98 years old"
The woman quips back "Did he eat candy bars all day long?"
"No" Bobby said. "He minded his own fucking business"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3coyy8/fat_bobby/
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A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's

one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "we have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "we Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "but we built the Roman Empire"
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "we invented sex!"
The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3coxzk/a_greek_and_italian_were_sitting_in_a_starbucks/
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Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.
Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"
To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."
Jesus then says, "and I bet I could get it for most followed person in history."
Hitler raises his beer and proclaims, "and I could get the record for the worst person in history!"
So the three gentlemen make their way to the Guinness head quarters where they are put to the test.
First Chris Pratt goes into the record-recognizer room and walks out with a big smile shouting, "Yes! Yes! I did it! I'm a world record holder!"
Next, Jesus walks in and then five minutes later comes out smiling as well shouting, "Woohoo! I did it, I'm the most followed man ever!"
Finally Hitler walks in and then five minutes later comes out führerious and yells, "Who the fuck is Ellen Pao?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3coxri/chris_pratt_jesus_and_hitler_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
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How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cotxr/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
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What did one Melon say to the other after it was asked marry it?

We Can't Alope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cotxl/what_did_one_melon_say_to_the_other_after_it_was/
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I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer

No one will do it, though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3coprz/ive_spent_the_last_four_years_looking_for_my/
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We all know that light travels faster than sound.

That's why certain people appear bright until you hear them speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3coo5v/we_all_know_that_light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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So this guy went to Wales to work on a sheep farm.

A couple of days later, he got really lonely. So, he'd heard the legends, and figured "When in Rome...."
So he got himself a sheep. And shagged it.
While leading the sheep back to its pen, he saw a bunch of the other guys looking at him, pointing fingers and laughing.
Shoot! Maybe the legends weren't true after all.
One of the locals came up and said, between peals of laughter, "You.....hahah...had to pick the ugly one, didn't you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cojsu/so_this_guy_went_to_wales_to_work_on_a_sheep_farm/
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Why are atheists so light?

They have no mass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3coh9s/why_are_atheists_so_light/
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What did you say your name was?

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a spectacular gorgeous woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As if his prayers were answered, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was this most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"It's Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cogxi/what_did_you_say_your_name_was/
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My friend knows everyone...

Dave was bragging to his boss one day:
"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush,"his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying "Dave, what a surprise,I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome.  Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.
Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has fainted and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f*ck's that on the balcony with Dave?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cogpm/my_friend_knows_everyone/
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What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play?

GET OFF MY LAN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cofd2/what_do_kids_yell_at_old_people_who_are_just/
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Living in Greece..

Living in "Greece " now is like being a Sanitary Napkin.
You're in the most beautiful place but in a bad period..!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cofck/living_in_greece/
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How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl-Esh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cof7c/how_does_sean_connery_shave/
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During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3coey4/during_a_job_interview_yestarday_i_poured_some/
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Smack his ass again.

During a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl
to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3coed0/smack_his_ass_again/
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Two priests are driving along the road when they get stopped by a police officer

The officer walks up to the priests' car and tells them, "Hello sirs, we're looking for two child molesters. Have you seen anyone that could resemble the sort?"
The priest in the driver's seat turns to the other, and after a brief moment of conversation, turns back to the officer and says,
"Yeah, okay, we'll do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3codpt/two_priests_are_driving_along_the_road_when_they/
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A man sits in a bus when...

a beautiful woman enters the bus. She takes the seat next to him and both start to exchange looks.
After a while the man takes all his confidence and asks her "So, what's your name, beautiful lady?"
She smiles and says "Carmen! ... but my real name is Sarah actually."
"So why do you prefer Carmen then?!"
"Well... first of all... I like cars... and the second reason is: I loooove men!"
"That makes sense!" says the man laughing.
"So what is your name?" Carmen asks with a big smiley on her lips.
"My name is beercunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3coch0/a_man_sits_in_a_bus_when/
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Wanna hear a racist joke?

Donald Trump

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3coc7u/wanna_hear_a_racist_joke/
%
A man walked into a communist school...

only to find that they had no classes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cobzn/a_man_walked_into_a_communist_school/
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I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.....

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Mary's high school.
"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1989. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch, asked,
"What did you teach" ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3coa0n/i_was_sitting_in_the_waiting_room_for_my_first/
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What's the capital of Greece?

About €20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3co9ea/whats_the_capital_of_greece/
%
My missus said to me in bed the other night

"Why don't we do that dressing up thing again where you pretend to be a burglar, and blindfold me before you take me all rough"
I have absolutely no fucking idea what she's talking about

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3co6vz/my_missus_said_to_me_in_bed_the_other_night/
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2 Blonds go hiking

. Knee deep in jungle, one blond says she has to take a shit, but forgot to walk with toilet paper. The other blond says, do you have a dollar? " yes " says the first blond. well use the dollar then, says the second blond. a few minutes later, the first blond comes out from a shurg of bush with shit all over her hands was well as her clothes. What happened, says the second blond? i thought you had a dollar to use? of course, says the other blond, but how was i suppose to use 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel to wipe my ass without getting shit everywhere?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3co650/2_blonds_go_hiking/
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What does a woman want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3co5p6/what_does_a_woman_want_more_than_anything_in_the/
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My gay friend was complaining to me

about all the hatred and violence straight people cause the gay community. I asked him if any gay people hate and beat up straight people. He said "No, gay people aren't fucking assholes."
I said "Well...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cnvah/my_gay_friend_was_complaining_to_me/
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What's the difference between a baby and A goat?

When my goat died, I couldn't bring myself to eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cnqp8/whats_the_difference_between_a_baby_and_a_goat/
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Oral makes your whole day...

But anal makes your hole weak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cnq9r/oral_makes_your_whole_day/
%
A Sadist, a masochist, a murderer..

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replied, "meow"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cnn9d/a_sadist_a_masochist_a_murderer/
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Joke Time 2

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cnm63/joke_time_2/
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My midget coworker keeps trying to befriend me and I don't know what to do.

I've never been good with small talk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cnla6/my_midget_coworker_keeps_trying_to_befriend_me/
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A boy asked his dad why gardeners

Have a green thumb when their thumbs are not really green. The dad replied and said it's just a saying, it's like when someone gets caught stealing you say they have been caught red handed even though their hands are black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cnivs/a_boy_asked_his_dad_why_gardeners/
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[NSFW] A broke man walks into a bar and asks how he can earn free booze

The bartender says, "Well I got this donkey in the back that's been depressed lately. If you can make him laugh, you get free drinks for an hour." Without another word the broke man walks through to door to the back and after about five minutes the bar was filled with the sound of laughing donkey. The man comes back and takes his free drink.
About an hour later the bartender returns, "I really did miss that laugh but now it's getting on my nerves, shut him up for another hour?". Again, the broke man walks to the back and after a minute there is silence. The broke man sits down and the bartender asks, "How did you make him laugh?".
"I told him my dick was bigger than his."
"How'd you shut him up?".
"I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cni5z/nsfw_a_broke_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_how_he/
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Only at the sauna.

(translated from Russian.)
after the marriage Lucy asks her new husband:
Lucy: Darling now that we are married, Will you start drinking again?
James: Don't worry my love, I promise I will only drink on special occasions and at the sauna.
Lucy: Oh my, im so relived to hear that.
James: By the way darling what holiday is today?
Lucy: I don't thing there is a one today, Why do you ask?
James: No reason. Well then, If you need me! Ill be at the Sauna.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cnd74/only_at_the_sauna/
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The Foreigner in a Bar

This foreign man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and in a thick accent and somewhat broken English says, 'I like to buy those ladies drinks.' The bartender replies, 'It won't do you any good.' The foreign man, with a confused look on his face says, 'Not matter, I want buy those women drinks.'
So the bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and they acknowledge the drinks with a nod of their heads. About a half hour later, the man approaches the women and says, 'I like to buy two drink more for you ladies.'
The women both reply, 'It won't do you any good.' The foreign man says, 'Me not understand. What you mean 'won't do me any good'?' The first woman says, 'We're lesbians.' To which the foreign man asks, 'Lesbians? What is a lesbians?' To which the second woman replies, 'Lesbians! we like to lick pussy.'
The foreign man yells, 'Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cncnj/the_foreigner_in_a_bar/
%
White folk hate math.

Especially when they heard in Calculus they'd have to integrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cn8ud/white_folk_hate_math/
%
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cn73l/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_was_stealing/
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A black mom has 5 kids

Their names are Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How does she tell them apart?
By their last names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cn5we/a_black_mom_has_5_kids/
%
Computing Pirates

What's a pirate's favorite computer language?
Aye, you'd think it was R, but tis the C

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cn0je/computing_pirates/
%
Did you hear about the guy who liked to stab himself in the eye?

After a while, he stopped seeing the point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cmvz1/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_liked_to_stab/
%
A bear walks into a bar..

A bear walks into a bar and the bartender goes, "what'll it be?". The bear thinks for a moment and then replies, 'I'll have a beer."  The bartender asks, "what's with the pause?"
Bear replies "These? Born with 'em."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cmum1/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did the chicken kill itself?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cmtm4/why_did_the_chicken_kill_itself/
%
My nephew got me with this one

He said "they've been together for 15 years." When I asked who, he said "DEEZ NUTSS"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cmnqw/my_nephew_got_me_with_this_one/
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Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing?

To get some fresh air

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cmi3k/why_did_the_man_smoke_a_cigarette_in_beijing/
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What does Little Finger call the entrance to his brothel?

Hodor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cmi08/what_does_little_finger_call_the_entrance_to_his/
%
An officer, a gentleman and a penguin.

One day a man is walking down a London street when he comes across a penguin. Not sure what to do, he picks up the penguin and continues his journey. A police patrol spots the man,
"What are you doing with that penguin!?" the officer asks
"I don't know...I just found it standing in the middle of the road..." replies the man, still confused by the ordeal.
"Then take it to the zoo!" the officer exclaims
The next day the same officer spots the same man walking around with the same penguin!
"Oi, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
"I did" replied the man, "we thoroughly enjoyed it, now we're off to the movies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cmfcb/an_officer_a_gentleman_and_a_penguin/
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Fitness is important

Being healthy and in good shape is important. My grandmother understood this better than anyone. When she turned 75 she started walking 5 miles a day.
She's 90 now, and we have no idea where the hell she is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cmc9c/fitness_is_important/
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Sure, white people can't say the 'N' word...

but we can say "Thanks for the warning, officer" and "Hey dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cmbej/sure_white_people_cant_say_the_n_word/
%
an walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah that's the one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cmaww/an_walks_into_a_library_and_says_to_the_librarian/
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Do you know what comes in a Subway kids' meal?

Jared

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cm81l/do_you_know_what_comes_in_a_subway_kids_meal/
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What do you call an Italian guy whos afraid of cheese?

Alfredo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cm6z6/what_do_you_call_an_italian_guy_whos_afraid_of/
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My daughter is a good girl

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.  It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cm6on/my_daughter_is_a_good_girl/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar...

One deer says to the other deer
"I can't believe I just blew twenty bucks in there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cm55f/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
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An Irish Golfer Strikes a Leprechaun with his Tee Shot...

Colm goes out one fair evening for a solo round of golf. On the third hole (a long dogleg left par 4) he smashes his driver over the trap that guards the left corner of the dogleg. When Colm arrives at his ball, he sees a little red bearded man dressed in green lying unconscious with a large knot on his forehead. "Jesus, Mary and Joesph" exclaimed Colm,  "I've just killed a bloody Leprechaun!" After hemming and hawing about what to do for a minute, he decides to flee. Just then the Leprechaun stirred and then sat up. "Weel ya got me!" slurred the Leprechaun. Colm, not knowing what to do or say just stared blankly, mouth agape. "I see  tha cat has got your tongue." said the Leprechaun smiling. "You foyn sir are due three wishes." This was more than poor Colm could take. So he ran (golf clubs in tow) for the club house.
The perplexed Leprechaun decided that rules were rules and that he would grant the three wishes in the golfer's stead. The three wishes he granted were. 1) The golfer would always have great rounds of golf. 2) The golfer would never want for money. 3)  From here on out, the golfer would have the best sex of his life.
One year later Colm was golfing the same course and on the third hole, at the same bunker, the Leprechaun materialized. The Leprechaun asked a startled Colm how his year had been. "This year has been amazing" said Colm. "I've golfed twice a week and birdied every hole!" He continued, "Amazingly, every time I went to the pub for a pint a new 20 pound note was in my wallet. And, I had great sex once  a month." The confused Leprechaun asked, "sex only once per month?" Colm replied, "yeah, but  that's not too bad for priest with a small parrish."
...I heard that last night at the course. Props to Hugh who told me the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cm4ig/an_irish_golfer_strikes_a_leprechaun_with_his_tee/
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Old MacDonald was dyslexic

I O I O E

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3clzk6/old_macdonald_was_dyslexic/
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Woman Jewelry

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3clxv2/woman_jewelry/
%
String to the penis

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.
Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower, his wife said, "let's try the African string and weight technique hon"
The husband agreed, and they tied a string with a weight to his penis.
A few days later the wife asked, "how is our little experiment coming along?". The husband replied "Well, it looks like we're about halfway there".
The wife impressed and said, "you mean it's already grown to 10 inches?"
"No" the husband replied. "It's turning black"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3clwme/string_to_the_penis/
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Girl's night out

Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the wine.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women’s husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, ‘These girl nights out have got to stop!  I’m starting to suspect the worst… My wife came home with no panties!!’
‘That’s nothing,’ said the other husband,  ’Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said……
‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3clubt/girls_night_out/
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Why did Sauron buy the sedan instead of the coupe?

More doors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3clrkg/why_did_sauron_buy_the_sedan_instead_of_the_coupe/
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What do you call 4 dicks tied together?

An erectangle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3clpki/what_do_you_call_4_dicks_tied_together/
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I got into a fight against three people earlier and managed to knock one out...

In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best time to masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3clp6p/i_got_into_a_fight_against_three_people_earlier/
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Two vampires...

Two vampires are sitting on a bench. On a given moment, one of them says "I gotta go! Time to get some blood!"
Only 30 seconds later he's back with blood hanging all over his lips and teeth so his friend asks "That was fast! What'd you do?"
"Well, do you see that lamppost over there?"
"Yes...?"
"I didn't!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cln02/two_vampires/
%
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her."
Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends.
Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk.
"Ok bartender! Let's do this test!"
The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequilla, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator.
A few minutes pass, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely.
He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3clizn/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_sign_that_says/
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How do you measure a Lego minifigure's shoe size?

In square feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3clhyq/how_do_you_measure_a_lego_minifigures_shoe_size/
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Dear Sir/Madam

I'm sorry to say that your transgender operation was only a partial success.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3clgg8/dear_sirmadam/
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What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common?

It’s either Sunni or Shiite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3clg72/what_do_the_weather_in_england_and_a_muslim_have/
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A Jewish Man Goes to his Friend With a Problem

“I have a problem with my son,” he says. “I sent him to Jerusalem so he could learn how to be a good Jew, and to how to have a good Jewish family, and he came back a Christian!”
“Hmmmm, that’s a funny thing,” his friend responded. “I too had a son who I sent to Jerusalem to learn how to be a good Jew, and to how to have a good Jewish family, and he came back a Christian! Let’s take this to the Rabbi.”
So the two friends go to the local Synagogue to tell the Rabbi the tale of their sons conversion.
“Rabbi,” the first Jewish man begins,” We had sons who we sent to Jerusalem to learn how to be good Jews, and to how to have good Jewish families, and they both came back Christian!”
“Hmmmm, that’s a funny thing,” the Rabbi says. “I too had a son who I sent to Jerusalem to learn how to be a good Jew, and to how to have a good Jewish family, and he came back a Christian! Let’s take this to the Lord.”
So the three Jewish men begin praying in the Synagogue and the Rabbi says,
“Lord, we had sons who we sent to Jerusalem to learn how to be good Jews, and to how to have good Jewish families, and they all came back Christian!”
Suddenly, dark clouds filled the sky and there was thunder and lightning and the Jewish men heard a deep voice coming from the heavens saying
“Hmmmm, that’s a funny thing.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cl1ff/a_jewish_man_goes_to_his_friend_with_a_problem/
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I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday

I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cl0cv/i_bought_my_son_a_refrigerator_for_his_birthday/
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Friends intervened to get a guy married

who was spending way too much time and money on hookers. They set him up with a sweet gal and sure enough love bloomed, bells rang and off they went on their honeymoon.
His buddies jumped on him soon as they got back.
"So how was it? Better than shagging pros right? Come on tell us."
He looked pensive.
"Come on!"
"Well, the sex was great the first night. We pretty much knocked each other out."
"Told ya!"
"But I screwed up. Before nodding off, out of force of habit I reached into my wallet and pulled out a $100 bill and dropped it on her side.
"No! You didn't. You freakin idiot!"
"I know but here's the weird part. She pulled out her purse and gave me 50 back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ckzqj/friends_intervened_to_get_a_guy_married/
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A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa

and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them  to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing  he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not
commit adultery or fornication!!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to  talk with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ckuhs/a_missionary_gets_sent_into_deepest_darkest_africa/
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A man walks in to a Muslim bookstore

A man went into a Muslim bookstore in Halifax, Nova Scotia. He was going up and down the aisles, obviously looking for something in particular.
Finally, the cashier came over and asked if he could help. The man asked "Do you happen to have the Australian Immigration Policy Book for Muslims"?
The cashier said angrily "Fuck Off and don't come back!"
The man said "Yes - THAT'S the one! Do you have it in paperback?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cktq2/a_man_walks_in_to_a_muslim_bookstore/
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What do you call a banker's disgusting fetish?

His gross interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ckthz/what_do_you_call_a_bankers_disgusting_fetish/
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School Conversation

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ckt5g/school_conversation/
%
One night a fellow drove his secretary home...

... after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ckrht/one_night_a_fellow_drove_his_secretary_home/
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Did you hear about the guy who was caught having sex at Sea World?

Apparently he did it on porpoise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ckoch/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_was_caught_having/
%
What do women and dog shit have in common?

The older they are the easier they are to pick up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ckmwx/what_do_women_and_dog_shit_have_in_common/
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A farmer went to a neighbor's...

..., and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ckkha/a_farmer_went_to_a_neighbors/
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What's the difference between chrome and chromium?

Chrome will heat my laptop to 1907 °C and still remain frozen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ckjs7/whats_the_difference_between_chrome_and_chromium/
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Friday evening a notorious murderer

has just escaped from Texas State Prison.
Police advise members of the public that they should not approach him at any costs, but report any sightings to their nearest police station.
Saturday afternoon, the convict surrender himself to police.
When asked why he gave himself up after his first taste of freedom for twelve years, the con replied, "When I finally got home, the first thing my wife asked me was, 'Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ckipg/friday_evening_a_notorious_murderer/
%
What kind of pants does Super Mario wear?

Denim denim denim

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ckgi9/what_kind_of_pants_does_super_mario_wear/
%
Why wasn't Jesus born in the United states?

They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ckf8x/why_wasnt_jesus_born_in_the_united_states/
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A father shark and a son shark come across a shipwreck...

The son shark immediately starts swimming for the people, anxious for the easy meal. The father shark stops him. The son shark asks "Why can't I eat the people?". The father explains to him, "In a moment son...watch me". The father shark proceeds to swim around the people, showing his fins. He swims around them again, showing more fins and all his teeth. He says to his son, "OK, you can eat them now". His son asks "why couldn't I eat them before?", his father replies, "They taste better without the shit in them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ckf7l/a_father_shark_and_a_son_shark_come_across_a/
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Nail advert

There was once a family run nail manufacturing company. One day, the father asked his son to create a poster advert for their company in an effort to attract new business.
A week later, the son shows his father the poster, which depicted Jesus on the cross with a caption that read "Guaranteed to keep your stuff hung forever". The father told the son that using a picture of Jesus on the cross isn't such a good idea, and asked him to come up with something new.
A couple of days later, the son shows the updated version to his father... This one showed Jesus running away from a cross in the background. The caption read, "He wouldn't have gotten off if they'd used our nails".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cka7c/nail_advert/
%
What is brown and rhymes with "snoop"?

Dr.Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cka0m/what_is_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
A man counterfeits $18 bills...

...and needs to get rid of them, so he takes a trip through rural Iowa. Coming to a small general store at a remote crossroads, he goes in and asks the old man behind the counter if he would please break his bill. The old man replies, "Sure, would you like 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ck98h/a_man_counterfeits_18_bills/
%
A man and a woman were asleep

like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Damn. That must be my husband!"
So the man jumped out of the bed; and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.  A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ck8yq/a_man_and_a_woman_were_asleep/
%
I love being complimented on my parking skills!

Someone even left a note on my windshield saying "parking fine".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ck8rn/i_love_being_complimented_on_my_parking_skills/
%
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof...

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Gorilla Removers.” He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he”ll be there in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.
“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.
“I’m going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla’s testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van,” says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.
“What’s the shotgun for?”, asks the homeowner.
“If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ck88h/a_man_wakes_up_one_morning_to_find_a_gorilla_on/
%
What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

A! U!!!
If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ck7pm/what_did_carbon_yell_at_gold_while_trying_to_get/
%
I took a look at my wife one day and said ...

... "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a small sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but at least I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde every night.
Now, we have a nice house, nice cars, big king size bed and plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and she would buy me a 10-inch black & white TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ck3y1/i_took_a_look_at_my_wife_one_day_and_said/
%
What's the capital of Greece?

20 euros

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ck3lt/whats_the_capital_of_greece/
%
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ck0sm/two_guys_are_talking_about_their_bosss_upcoming/
%
What did the New Zealand naval officer say to his crew?

All hands on dick....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ck0nk/what_did_the_new_zealand_naval_officer_say_to_his/
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A married man is from Mars. A married woman is from Venus.

He may have had life a long time ago. She is bitter and smells like farts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjzk8/a_married_man_is_from_mars_a_married_woman_is/
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjynv/whats_the_difference_between_a_pickpocket_and_a/
%
I Was Sitting On A Train Next To A Hot Thai Girl

I Thought To Myself, 'Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection'. But She Did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjxy9/i_was_sitting_on_a_train_next_to_a_hot_thai_girl/
%
Honey," said this husband to his wife,

"I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that." replied the nonchalant husband.
"Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?!?" said the infuriated wife.
"Because the poor guy's thinking about getting married."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjxut/honey_said_this_husband_to_his_wife/
%
60 Years of Marriage

An old couple in their 80's are sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch enjoying the day.  Suddenly the wife reaches over and just slaps her husband across the face.
Flabergasted he looks at her and says "what was that for?"
She responds "that's for 60 years of bad sex"
They continue to rocking on the porch.
A few minutes later the husband reaches over and smacks his wife hard enough that it knocks her out of her chair onto the porch.
With tears in her eyes she asks "what was that for?"
Her husband replies "that's for knowing the difference."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjx5l/60_years_of_marriage/
%
I hate people with erectile dysfunction

no hard feelings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjwv6/i_hate_people_with_erectile_dysfunction/
%
I drink twice a year....

When it's my birthday, and when it isn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjwh3/i_drink_twice_a_year/
%
A man returning home a day early from a business trip . . .

. . . got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.
The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!" The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"
The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjw7h/a_man_returning_home_a_day_early_from_a_business/
%
A man walks into a grocery store

After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $55 bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjsmr/a_man_walks_into_a_grocery_store/
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What do you get when you pour root beer into a square glass?

Beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjrj8/what_do_you_get_when_you_pour_root_beer_into_a/
%
I would like to congratulate Amy Winehouse

on almost 4 years of sobriety.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjpis/i_would_like_to_congratulate_amy_winehouse/
%
The Tea Survey

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.
'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Englishman.
'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Scotsman.
How about you?' the Irishman was asked.
'Oh me?' said the Irishman, 'I always use a spoon.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjnw4/the_tea_survey/
%
So Russell Wilson is dating Ciara but they're not having sex...

That's like getting the ball to the one yard line and not scoring a touchdown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjnqi/so_russell_wilson_is_dating_ciara_but_theyre_not/
%
Curious cherokee boy.

A young cherokee boy approached his wise old grandfather.              " granfather", he said, how do we get owe names. "well", said grandfather. When a man becomes a father, as soon as his wife has given birth the man walks out of the tent and the first thing he sees becomes the babies name. So if he walked out and saw a deer running, the babies name would be Running Deer, or if he walked out and saw some flowers, the babies name would be Wild Flower. Then the wise grandfather looks at the curious boy and sais, " Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking " ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjnmd/curious_cherokee_boy/
%
If you're going to do something illegal don't plan it through Facebook

Do it somewhere private where no one will see you, like google+.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjkwh/if_youre_going_to_do_something_illegal_dont_plan/
%
Why is six afraid of seven?

Numbers are an abstract human construct and so is fear. This entire joke is meaningless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjjrk/why_is_six_afraid_of_seven/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjeov/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
What does oral sex and being in the mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjeoe/what_does_oral_sex_and_being_in_the_mafia_have_in/
%
A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand

"What will it be for you, my friend?" - the vendor asks.
"Make me one with everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cjdn6/a_buddhist_monk_goes_to_a_hot_dog_stand/
%
What is the difference between a Lannister and a Greek?

A Greek never pays his debts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cj474/what_is_the_difference_between_a_lannister_and_a/
%
Joke Time:The Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cj40o/joke_timethe_boss/
%
Two blondes

fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cj0wn/two_blondes/
%
Non-Racist Joke

An American man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man are on a plane.
The plane is going to crash unless they lose some excess weight.
The Mexican man throws beans off the plane, he says, "In my country, we have too many beans."
Next, the Chinese man throws rice off the plane, he says, "In my country, we have too much rice."
Next, the American man throws the Mexican man off the plane,
He says,
"That bastard slept with my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cj0n5/nonracist_joke/
%
Take pride in what you're into, if thats exponents, well...

More power to ya!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ciyif/take_pride_in_what_youre_into_if_thats_exponents/
%
What do you call a blonde, who dyed her hair black?

Artificial intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ciunq/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_who_dyed_her_hair_black/
%
The best place to hide a dead body is page 2 of Google search results

or page 1 of Bing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cis59/the_best_place_to_hide_a_dead_body_is_page_2_of/
%
A little boy and a clown go walking into the woods.

As they get deeper and deeper into the woods, the little boy starts looking around, apprehensive.
"Boy, it sure is getting scary in here." the little boy says.
"YOU'RE scared?" the clown replies, "I still have to walk back out of here by myself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ciozr/a_little_boy_and_a_clown_go_walking_into_the_woods/
%
How did Stevie Wonder respond when asked how he coped with being blind?

At least I'm not black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cinkn/how_did_stevie_wonder_respond_when_asked_how_he/
%
I attached all of my watches together to make a belt.

It was a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cil8k/i_attached_all_of_my_watches_together_to_make_a/
%
Why do maxi-pads hate tampons so much?

Because tampons are stuck up cunts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cigdb/why_do_maxipads_hate_tampons_so_much/
%
What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An IN-VEST-IGATOR!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cig3t/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_in_a_vest/
%
How did the woman feel after her legs were amputated?

Defeeted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cifvz/how_did_the_woman_feel_after_her_legs_were/
%
There are three men in a boat in the middle of the ocean with four cigarettes, no lighter or any matches. What do they do?

They throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cifu0/there_are_three_men_in_a_boat_in_the_middle_of/
%
[NSFW] A man enters a bar...

And he asks the bartender for a Rum and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. Confused, the man asks, "I thought I asked for a Rum and Coke?!" Bartender replies, "just try it". The man then says, "wow, this tastes like rum!". Bartender replies, "turn it around". So he does, "wow, this side tastes like coke!".
Another man comes in and asks for a Gin and Tonic. Same happens, he gets an apple. "I thought I asked for a Gin and Tonic". Bartender replies, "eat the apple". "Wow, tastes like Gin!" the man replies. "Turn it around". So the man does, "this side tastes like Tonic! Awesome!"
Finally, a third man enters the bar, and the two guys tell the third man about the apples that taste like whatever he wants. So the man says "Do you have one that tastes like pussy?". Sure enough, bartender supplies. The man replies, "Aww, this tastes like shit!!"
"Turn it around", replies the bartender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cic5p/nsfw_a_man_enters_a_bar/
%
A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ci5ku/a_priest_a_pedophile_and_a_rapist_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I have a great relation ship with Jesus

He mows my lawn for $6 an hour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ci0th/i_have_a_great_relation_ship_with_jesus/
%
What's a Racist, Homophobe, Sexist, Bigot, or Hater?

Anyone winning an argument with a liberal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cht3k/whats_a_racist_homophobe_sexist_bigot_or_hater/
%
A man walks into a bar

and is immediately disqualified from the Limbo World Championships.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3chqqy/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Friendship is like pissing yourself...

Everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth it brings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3chq7r/friendship_is_like_pissing_yourself/
%
"One thousand pounds to the person to make my Donkey laugh."

"Who will try to make my Donkey laugh?" shouted the entertainer, next to him was a large tent that housed a rather docile donkey.
Many people tried but always failed. Just before the Entertainer was about to close up, a elderly gentleman came up to him and said
"I would like to try, please"
"5 pounds and in you go" replied the Entertainer.
The old fella moves into the tent and looks at the donkey before whispering into its ear.
The donkey looked at the old man and started to laugh. The Entertainer is stunned.
"How...? I... but how?" he stammered
"My secret but I do believe you owe me one thousand pounds" the old man beamed.
Paid his winnings, the old man leaves.
The next day the Entertainer is back.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, The one who can make my Donkey cry, without physical contact, will win one thousand pounds" shouted the Entertainer.
Many, once again, tried and failed. Throughout the day the donkey remained dry eyed. As it started to get late the old man, who made the donkey laugh, appeared.
"Ahh you again, I take it you would like to try?" the Entertainer asked.
"Yes" the old man replied.
The fee paid, the old man walks into the tent and faces the donkey. He opens his coat and the donkey stares, after a few seconds the Donkey bursts into tears.
The Old man exits the tent triumphantly. The Entertainer cannot believe it.
"How? I will not pay you till you tell me how" The Entertainer demanded.
"Well it is easy. Yesterday I told your Donkey I had a bigger dick than him, he laughed. Today I proved it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cho3s/one_thousand_pounds_to_the_person_to_make_my/
%
Today it's National Take Off Your Cap Day

Hats off to whoever founded it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3chi18/today_its_national_take_off_your_cap_day/
%
Whoever smelt it, dealt it

So technically officer, that weed is yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3chh6e/whoever_smelt_it_dealt_it/
%
What do you give a Greek man with a scratchcard?

A coin to scratch it with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3chh1a/what_do_you_give_a_greek_man_with_a_scratchcard/
%
An American dude, a French dude, and a Japanese dude barely survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive.
The American dude says:  *Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter.*
The French dude says: *Ho-hoh!  Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever!  I shall make grand meals to feed us!*
It gets decided that the Japanese dude would be in charge of supplies.
After kicking for hours they finally reach the shoreline, completely exhausted.  The Japanese dude gets up and sprints with deer-like speed into the jungle.  The American and French dudes look at each other and shrug, then get to work.
By the following evening, the American and French dudes have a reasonable shelter, a reliable firepit, and have enjoyed a few good meals.  They decide to go on a search for their friend.
Hours go by as they trek the thick jungle, no sign of their friend anywhere.  Just as they are about to give up, the Japanese guy jumps down from a tree, throws his arms up and yells out: *SUPPLIES!!!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3chdo4/an_american_dude_a_french_dude_and_a_japanese/
%
Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ch78f/love_is_like_a_fart/
%
I bought my shoes from a drug dealer.

I'm not sure what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ch5hy/i_bought_my_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
So Subway spokesperson Jared Fogle is being investigated for child pornography

I guess he really did want to "eat fresh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ch5b5/so_subway_spokesperson_jared_fogle_is_being/
%
God making Adam

Angel: What do you call it?
God: A human.
Angel: What does it do?
God: It doesn't annoy me, Jeff. That’s what it does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ch25y/god_making_adam/
%
What's a Grecian Urn?

Nothing,  they're  bankrupt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cgxu0/whats_a_grecian_urn/
%
An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?

Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cgxd7/an_honest_lawyer_a_wealthy_garbage_collector_a/
%
My husband and I were happy for 24 years.

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cgu6z/my_husband_and_i_were_happy_for_24_years/
%
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cgsqd/i_havent_talked_to_my_wife_in_three_weeks/
%
I've finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cgs07/ive_finally_stopped_drinking_for_good/
%
Last week was National Middle Child Week!

Nobody noticed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cgrjp/last_week_was_national_middle_child_week/
%
A german a swedish and an israeli are kidnapped by ISIS

"Now infidels, you have one last wish before you are beheaded"
The german pleads for mercy
"Germany has always embraced your people, what have i done to deserve this ?"
no answer
"i.. i will have a sausage, and a good beer"
The swedish screams at the top of his lungs
"Have you no humanity !? sweden has fully welcomed your traditions and faith, why would you do this !"
no answer
".. *gasp* i guess ill have the fish"
The israeli yawns and says
"i want you to kick me in the ass"
furious with his reply the kidnapper immediately kicks him in the ass
the israeli gets up, turns around and kills the entire isis group
shocked, the german asks
"Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass ??"
the israeli replies
"Otherwise, you would've just said i started it.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cgqcp/a_german_a_swedish_and_an_israeli_are_kidnapped/
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Why should you never date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cgol1/why_should_you_never_date_a_tennis_player/
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What's Medusa's favorite type of cheese?

*Gorgon*zola

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cgn98/whats_medusas_favorite_type_of_cheese/
%
I was going to write a joke about Kim kardashian's orifices,

but they've all been done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cgjuw/i_was_going_to_write_a_joke_about_kim_kardashians/
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People who get offended when I breast feed publicly can fuck off

What I'm doing is totally natural and strengthens the relationship between me and my dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cgil0/people_who_get_offended_when_i_breast_feed/
%
Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer,

he wasn't happy about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cggw0/last_night_i_bought_an_alcoholic_ginger_beer/
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Strawberry Hill

A boy walks into his class late, and the teacher asks
"Why are you late?"
The boy replies with "I was on top of Strawberry Hill."
and sits down in his seat.
A minute later, another boy walks into the class.
"Why are you late?" asks the teacher.
"I was on top of Strawberry Hill." the boy replies and sits down.
Another boy walks into the class "Why are you late?"
"I was on top of Strawberry Hill." And takes his seat.
A girl walks into the classroom, the teacher says
"Let me guess, you were on top of strawberry hill?"
The girl replies "No, I am Strawberry Hill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cgdce/strawberry_hill/
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My dog got into a bag of baking soda this morning

...and now she's a basic bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cg5dn/my_dog_got_into_a_bag_of_baking_soda_this_morning/
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An engineer major asks...

"How can we build this?"
A business major asks, "How can we finance this?"
A liberal arts major asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cg4iz/an_engineer_major_asks/
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A Buddhist Monk, a Rabbi, and a Priest and some African orphans are on a plane...

A Buddhist Monk, a Rabbi, and a Priest and some African orphans are on a plane, as part of a joint mission to find the orphans a better home in wealthier parts of the world.
The plane starts crashing.
The monk says: "We must find a way to save as many children as we can!"
The rabbi says: "Fuck the children!"
The priest says: "Do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cg2xu/a_buddhist_monk_a_rabbi_and_a_priest_and_some/
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TIFU by ordering the wrong sandwich

Whoops, wrong sub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cg0je/tifu_by_ordering_the_wrong_sandwich/
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon

3. A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but  you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cfy6n/a_man_is_flying_in_a_hot_air_balloon/
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The maid

A maid goes to the wife of the house, and demands a raise. The wife gets mad and asks the maid "now why do you think you deserve one?" The maid instantly replied and said "there are 3 reasons."
"One is that I iron better than you."  The wife, surprised by this, snapped back and said "Who said that?!" "Your husband." The maid said.
"Two is that I am a better cook than you." Says the maid. Once again the wife asks "who said that?" And again the maid said "Your husband."
"And three is that I'm better in bed than you are." The wife, now livid, shouts "Did my husband say that as well?" The maid looks at her and says "No, the gardener did."
"So, how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cfx83/the_maid/
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Three men in front of heavens door

Three men once stood in front of the heavens door. As they knocket on the door trying to get in, Saint Peter answered with: "Sorry heaven is closed, come back tommorow". The men replied then. "You cant do this, we just died". Saint Peter then said: "Allright, tell me how you died, if it's funny i'll let you in". So the first man started to talk: "I'm a lawyer and i work 8 hours a day. One day i decided to go home early because i had the feeling my wife was cheating on me. When i got home i found my wife naked in bed. She usually never does this to me so i started to search in the house. I couldn't find anyone so i stood on the balcony to smoke a cigarette. Then i noticed a hand on the railing as i looked down i saw someone hanging there. I took off my shoe and hit him  on his hand until he fell down. Unluckily he fell into a tree and survived. So i took the fridge that was standing on the balcony and threw it down. Unfortunately my foot got stuck in the cable from the fridge and i fell down too." Saint Peter started to laugh and said: "Allright, come in" Then he asked the next one about his story. The second man said: "Well im a window cleaner and i was working in the fifth floor. Unfortunately i lost balance and fell of my platform. Luckily i managed to hold myself on the railing of the balcony one floor beneath. But then someone started to hit me with his shoe and i fell down. I survived because i fell in a tree but then that guy threw a fridge at me and now i'm here" Saint Peter burst out in laughter and said: "Allright allright, get in" Saint Peter turned around and said: "Tell me your story". He looked on the floor and said: "Ok, so there I am, naked in a fridge, minding my own business..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cfmo4/three_men_in_front_of_heavens_door/
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I'm working on a script about a mobster who attempts to reinvent himself as a professional photographer. I'm gonna call it...

*The Selfie Made Man.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cfk64/im_working_on_a_script_about_a_mobster_who/
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What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cfdej/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_with_two_brain_cells/
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An old lady goes to the doctor.

"Doctor," she says, "I keep farting, but my farts are silent and odorless. In fact I have farted 20 times since I was in your office but since my farts are noiseless and do not smell you have not noticed."
The doctor gives the lady some pills and instructs her to return after one week.
One week later, the lady is back at the doctor's office. "I do not know what was in those pills you gave me, Doctor," said the lady, "But my farts, though still silent, now stink like hell."
The doctor smiles in satisfaction.  "Excellent! Now that we have cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cfa1f/an_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
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You know what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket?

Hey, watch how far I can kick this bucket!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cf9a0/you_know_what_my_grandpa_said_right_before_he/
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My mother took me to the symphony when I was a child..

But we had to leave because of all the sax and violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cf8yy/my_mother_took_me_to_the_symphony_when_i_was_a/
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fly flying 6 inches above a lake

Don't miss this one... 👍👍 There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.
A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches I'd get it !"
A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it !"
A hunter nearby thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
A mouse watching thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich !"
A cat in hiding thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse !!!"
Suddenly, it all happened:
The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water !!!!!
The Moral Of This Story Is...
"Every time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet !!!"😜😜😜

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cf7rt/fly_flying_6_inches_above_a_lake/
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Why did Raggedy Anne get kicked out of the toybox?

She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming "Lie to me!  Lie to me!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cf6g2/why_did_raggedy_anne_get_kicked_out_of_the_toybox/
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Why was the ukelele teacher put in jail?

Becuase he was caught fingering A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cf262/why_was_the_ukelele_teacher_put_in_jail/
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The little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate

, then he took another one and then another ...
A man next to him said, "Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth??"
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived for 132 years"
The man asked , "Was it because of eating chocolate?"
The boy replied, "No, he was always minding his own business!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ceuet/the_little_boy_was_in_a_bus_eating_a_chocolate/
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Ever ask yourself who, in a perfect world, would raise a child?

The answer should be apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cetz9/ever_ask_yourself_who_in_a_perfect_world_would/
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My fisherman friend got his Master's degree.

Now he's a Master Baiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cetsy/my_fisherman_friend_got_his_masters_degree/
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A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I can prove it to you if you want me to."
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them down toilet, he looked at me with a grin and said, "Well, show me your pocket then!"
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ceost/a_policeman_searched_me_in_a_nightclub_toilet/
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Two old men are sitting on a park bench

One of them says: "You know what? I bet I can guess how old you are."
"50 bucks says you can't!"
"Alright, all I have to do is inspect your balls."
As the one gentleman drops his pants, the other one starts fondling his balls. He cautiously cups them, lifts them, juggles them from one side to the other. After about a minute of this, he says: "You're 78."
"That's right! How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday, Marv."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cemtc/two_old_men_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
What do you call a magic owl?

Hoodini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cejfm/what_do_you_call_a_magic_owl/
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Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cehyd/why_do_teenage_girls_hang_out_in_oddnumbered/
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A parole officer makes a house visit...

He walks sternly and silently into the house then to the upstairs hallway. He stops, reaches up and pulls a chord which releases a smaller set of stairs. He trudges up them and at the top he stands with a scowl as he examines the unfortunate scene. He yells, "What the hell, are you ever going to get clean?" With arms crossed, he waits for an answer, then finally gets it,
"What can I say, I'm an attic."
(Jesus christ, what am I doing with my life. 28 years old, stoned like a philistine and taking far, far too long to come up with this fucking joke and for what? A few upvotes that slowly plummet like a certain interim CEO's career. End with zero upvotes and three comments telling me that this non joke made them want to physically strangle the last remaining animal of an endangered species. I am not a man.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ce43g/a_parole_officer_makes_a_house_visit/
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I'm sleeping with the priest's wife

A guy walks up to his friend one Sunday, and says "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church after mass for me?". The friend agrees, and after mass, he starts talking to the priest and asking him all kind of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. After about an hour, the priest gets pissed and asks the guy what's up. Having a guilt trip, the guy confesses: "my friend is sleeping with your wife right now". The priest then smiles and says "you should run back home, my wife has been dead for years".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ce3eg/im_sleeping_with_the_priests_wife/
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"13....13....13....13....13"

A drunk man is walking through the streets in the early hours of the morning and hears someone shouting down a alley. As he gets closer he hears what is being shouted.
"13...13...13...13"
just over and over again, so he follows the sound and finds a rather strange man jumping up and down on a manhole.
"Excuse me, What are you doing exactly?" The drunk asked the Strange man.
"I am experiencing the most amazing high at the moment." he replies
"have you taken drugs or something?" The drunk asks
"Nope just getting high on what I am doing." The strange man laughs.
"How?" the drunk is curious but a little dubious too.
"Come stand on the manhole and jump as high as you can and then at the peak of your jump shout 13" The strange man explains.
"Why 13?"
"Why not?" The strange man replies.
So the drunk stands on the manhole and jumps up as high as he can and shouts 13.
"No, no, no, no. Higher and louder" the strange man shouts
Again the drunk jumps but higher and shouts even louder, after a couple of jumps he starts to feel good.
"Oh shit, you're right. I'm starting to feel good" the drunk shouts happily and begins to jump again.
Just as the drunk reaches the peak of his jump the strange man yanks the manhole cover off and lets the drunk fall to his death. He places the cover back on and continues to do what he did before the drunk arrived.
"14...14...14...14...14...14...14"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cdvkb/1313131313/
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A boss said to his secretary

I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast.  I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.  Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."  So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?  She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cdu2e/a_boss_said_to_his_secretary/
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"Donald says he wants to run for President and move on into the White House...

...why not; it wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home" -Snoop Dogg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cdra5/donald_says_he_wants_to_run_for_president_and/
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A POLITICIAN goes to HEAVEN.

A politician shows up at the Pearly Gates, and asks to come in.
"Not so fast," says St. Peter. We have a special routine for your kind. First you spend a day in Hell, then a day in Heaven. Once you've tried both, then you get to choose where you want to spend Eternity."
With that the politician finds himself in the middle of Hell. It looks like a golf course, and all his friends are there, drinking, banqueting, and generally having a great time. Before he knows it, a very pleasant 24 hours have passed, and he finds himself in the middle of Heaven. He floats on clouds, sings with the Heavenly Host, and before he knows it, another very pleasant 24 hours have passed, and he finds himself once again at the Pearly Gates, standing before St. Peter.
"Gee," stammers the politician. "I never thought I'd say this, but actually I think I'd like Hell better."
Once again, he politician finds himself in the middle of Hell. But this time it's a burning refuse heap, and all his famished and parched friends are picking through it for dung to eat.
"What's going on here!?" demands the politician. "This isn't anything like it was yesterday!"
Behind him the Devil chuckles, "Yesterday, we campaigned. Today, you voted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cdn0p/a_politician_goes_to_heaven/
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What is the difference between an old bus depot and a lobster with boobs?

One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cdm5f/what_is_the_difference_between_an_old_bus_depot/
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Why did the Cephalopod get coal for christmas?

Because he was on the nautilust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cdgig/why_did_the_cephalopod_get_coal_for_christmas/
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What did the horse say when it fell down?

Help!  I've fallen and I can't giddy up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cdcyx/what_did_the_horse_say_when_it_fell_down/
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I like my women like I like my coffee...

K-Cups.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cd0f7/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2030...

...maybe sooner if the bar keeps dropping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cd0e4/scientists_predict_humanlevel_artificial/
%
Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship?

Neither, they both eat out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cczhd/who_makes_the_sandwiches_in_a_lesbian_relationship/
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I went to the doctors with a lettuce just poking out of my bottom...

The doctor asked why I was so concerned. I replied, I think it's just the tip of the iceberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ccz3d/i_went_to_the_doctors_with_a_lettuce_just_poking/
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The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job...

The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job. The Soviet official assigned to handle the problem entered one of the industrial plants where the problem was said to occur and asked a worker,
"Could you do your job if you drank a cup of vodka?"
"It would be a little difficult, but I suppose I could."
"Could you do your job if you drank two cups of vodka"
"I guess I could."
"Could you do your job if you had three cups of vodka?"
"Well, I'm here, aren't I!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ccwa2/the_soviet_union_started_to_crack_down_on/
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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ccv2h/i_stayed_up_all_night_to_see_where_the_sun_went/
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What is this the difference between America and Greece?

15 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ccv0w/what_is_this_the_difference_between_america_and/
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What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south.

Nothing, someone's losing the trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ccun6/whats_the_difference_between_a_tornado_and_a/
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Why was the Muslim arrested for speeding during Ramadan?

Because he was going *to fast*!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cctjy/why_was_the_muslim_arrested_for_speeding_during/
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50% of Japanese doctors have Cataracts...

The other 50% drive Rincolns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ccs46/50_of_japanese_doctors_have_cataracts/
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A boy thinks his English teacher is attractive

One day after school he finally works up the courage to tell her how he feels. "Ms. Smith you're smart and beautiful, can I have sex with you?" The teacher responds, "I don't know, may you have sex with me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ccr5w/a_boy_thinks_his_english_teacher_is_attractive/
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Lunch

Me and the girlfriend went out for lunch today. Money is a bit tight so after the meal she said "lets go Dutch". I said "Fook that lets go Greek" and we both legged it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ccm1v/lunch/
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Probably offensive

My friend and I were walking down the street the other day when we saw a young black man running past with a TV. "That looked just like mine!" I exclaimed. We immediately rushed home to check but everything was fine, mine was still polishing my shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ccemh/probably_offensive/
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What happens if you spin an oriental person around really fast for an extended period of time?

They become disoriented.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cccou/what_happens_if_you_spin_an_oriental_person/
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What kind of dog is the quietest?

A "shhh"nauzer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ccbsw/what_kind_of_dog_is_the_quietest/
%
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ccbp9/whats_the_opposite_of_christopher_walken/
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What does a north Korean and a ginger have in common?

Neither has a Seoul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cc71k/what_does_a_north_korean_and_a_ginger_have_in/
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Three women go to heaven...

Upon entering the pearly gates God states, "You can live a blissful life with anything you can dream of for all eternity. However, you must not step on any of the ducks!" The women look around to see the floor crowded with waddling ducks. Years go by without a hiccup. Finally after 10 years the first woman makes the dreaded mistake and steps on a duck. Immediately she in handcuffed to the most hideous, grotesque man she has ever seen. God states, "This shall remain for all eternity!" Five years later the second women makes the same crucial mistake and "POOF!" another hideous mate handcuffed for the rest of time. Finally after decades, "POOF!" the final women is suddenly strapped to the most handsome, perfect man she has ever seen. She screams to God, "What did I do to be so lucky?!!" At that moment the man looks over and says, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cc6cj/three_women_go_to_heaven/
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Mickey mouse is sitting with his lawyer.

The lawyer says, "let me get this straight, you want to divorce Minnie mouse because she's extremely silly?"
Mickey Mouse corrects him and says: "no, I want a divorce because she's fucking goofy!"
Sorry if this is a repost, haven't seen it on here, and I found it hilarious

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cc4bg/mickey_mouse_is_sitting_with_his_lawyer/
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Lively Old Lady

A doctor made a house call on an elderly lady, back when they made house calls.  She was spritely and healthy, and the doctor remarked on her good condition.
"Have you ever been bedridden?" he asked.
"Oh my, yes" she said.  "Many times, and twice in a buggy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cbz35/lively_old_lady/
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My Vietnamese friends just got married. They have the same common last name, so neither of them needed to change anything.

You could say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cbyof/my_vietnamese_friends_just_got_married_they_have/
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Youth and speed will never beat age and treachery.

A young rooster walks out onto the barnyard for the first time, having just been bought by the farmer.  He sees lots of chickens, but only one other rooster, who is much older.  He walks up to the old rooster to tell him to get lost so he can have all the chickens for himself.
The old rooster says to him, "I know the farmer bought you to replace me, but give me one chance to prove my worth.  We'll race around the barn for ten laps.  If I win, you leave, but if you win, I'll leave.  To make it fair, I just want a 50 foot head start."
The young rooster knows he's in way better shape, and that even a 50 foot head start won't help the old rooster, so he agrees.
The race begins and after one lap the young rooster has started closing in on the old rooster, he's only 30 feet behind.  After two laps he's 15 feet behind.  After three laps he's one foot behind when BLAM!!
Suddenly there's nothing left of the young rooster but a big bloodstain on the barn wall.  Standing across the barnyard is the farmer, holding a smoking shotgun.
"Damn," he says to himself, "that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cbxh1/youth_and_speed_will_never_beat_age_and_treachery/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cbhhy/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night?

Patty O'Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cbgqi/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_that_stays_out_all/
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Blonde joke

A blonde woman was tired of people always cracking jokes about her blondness and so decided to dye her hair bright red. She decided to go for a drive. She happened to come along a sheep farm. She stops and says to the farmer"if i can guess how many sheep you have can i have one?" And the farmer says"sure have at er!" So the woman looks and makes her estimate at 42 sheep. The farmer says "hey hey! Good job go ahead and pick your sheep". So the woman takes a sheep and puts it in the back seat of her car and is about to leave when the farmer asks. "If i can guess your real hair colour can i have my sheep back?" the woman agrees and the farmer replies"blonde" she is stunned and asks how he knew. the farmer says"you have my dog in your car"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cbep6/blonde_joke/
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What does a Greek say when he receives his salary?

Danke schön.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cbe8g/what_does_a_greek_say_when_he_receives_his_salary/
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My little cousin told me this one:

There once was a woman who loved naming everything she owned. One day she bought a house and didn't know what to name it, so she said "I'll sleep on it, and the first thing I see tomorrow morning will be the new name of my house!"
The next day she wakes up and rolls over. It was yard work day and her husband was outside. She saw him bending over with his big hairy butt hanging out of his pants, so she decided to name her house Hairy Butt.
She got up to help her husband with yard work and a stray dog wandered onto their lawn. They decide to keep it. She takes the dog for a walk and sees he sniffs on all the sidewalk cracks, so she decides to name him crack.
The next day the dog runs away, and she calls the police. She tells them "I looked all over my hairy butt but couldn't find my crack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cbbt5/my_little_cousin_told_me_this_one/
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Construction Worker Joke

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cb98p/construction_worker_joke/
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I'm getting so pissed off with my new psychiatrist.

I'm sure he's only treating my paranoia for the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cb862/im_getting_so_pissed_off_with_my_new_psychiatrist/
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The Japanese soccer team visits an orphanage in Spain.

"It's so sad to see the hopeless looks on their faces", said Rico, age 6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cb5uk/the_japanese_soccer_team_visits_an_orphanage_in/
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Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cb5kb/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
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How do you take your coffee?

**Barista:** How do you take your coffee?
**Customer:** Ferguson Police
**Barista:** Huh?
**Customer:** Black, two shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cb1pg/how_do_you_take_your_coffee/
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Eleven Years ago Greece won Euro 2004

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cb1ku/eleven_years_ago_greece_won_euro_2004/
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The Greek dilemma:

If you are swimming in a sea of shit and someone throws a turd at you, do you duck?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cazhp/the_greek_dilemma/
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Best Joke Ever

One day a woman, feeling particularly lonely that day, walked into a sex shop. The cashier asked if she needed help, to which she replied "yes, i would like the best dildo you have...the price is not an issue." The cashier asked her to wait a moment and disappeared into the back of the store. When he returned, he was holding a dusty and ancient looking box. When he opens the box, inside is a normal looking dildo. "What's so special about this?" the woman asked. The cashier then explained that this was a MAGIC dildo, all you needed to do was say "Magic Dildo, _______" and fill in the blank with whatever you wanted the dildo to fuck, and it will fuck it by itself.
The woman returns home with her new merchandise eager to try it out. She goes up to her room with the dildo and says "magic dildo, my vagina!" The next hour is filled with the best sex she has ever had. Afterwards, however, she realizes there is a small problem. How do you get the magic dildo to stop?? The woman panics and gets into her car and speeds over to the sex shop hoping to catch the cashier again before the store closes. Unfortunately, on the way over she is pulled over by a police officer.
"what's the big rush?" The policeman asks. The woman then continues to tell the police officer the story of her strange day, to which the skeptic replies "Ha! Magic dildo my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3catp4/best_joke_ever/
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A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.
One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125.
She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125 I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your Honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed AND amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defence was somewhat different from the way he had originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!
'Your Honour," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options, "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provided to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant wrote out a cheque immediately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3carkt/a_wellargued_court_case/
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Man with five penises

As the man with five penises put on a condom, he sighed. "Fits like a glove."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cajf9/man_with_five_penises/
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Lost my watch at a party once.

After a few hours I walked into the bathroom and saw some guy stepping on my watch while sexually harassing a girl. I punched the guy straight in the nose, no one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cai88/lost_my_watch_at_a_party_once/
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A man walks into a library asking for a book...

A man walks into a library asking for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian replies, "Fuck off, you won't return it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cahah/a_man_walks_into_a_library_asking_for_a_book/
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What did the Duracell Bunny get arrested for?

Assault and battery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cafce/what_did_the_duracell_bunny_get_arrested_for/
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A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cafax/a_woman_who_is_3_months_pregnant_falls_into_a/
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A teacher is teaching a class

and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cadbi/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class/
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Here comes the blowjob

A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cacfs/here_comes_the_blowjob/
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cabb3/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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A Republican meets St. Peter at the heaven's entrance.

A Republican senator, having just died, appears in Heaven, where he runs into St. Peter at the entrance.
The Republican is opening the gates, when Peter declares, "Not so fast..."
"I take it," Peter continues, "that nobody has explained the procedure to you yet..."
"What's the procedure?" asks the Republican.
"Everyone who has just made it to the afterlife," Peter continues, "has to spend one day in Heaven and one day in Hell, so that they can choose one for spending eternity."
"That's okay," the Republican replies. "I'll be fine just taking Heaven."
"I'm afraid," Peter interjects, "that I'm not allowed to skip the part about the first two days."
"Rules are rules," Peter explains.
"Rules?" the Republican asks, puzzled. "I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that..."
"Off to Hell you go," Peter declares before the Republican can finish, pulling a lever.
The Republican senator looks around and realizes that he is on an escalator going down.
"Oh, H-E-double hockey sticks..." the Republican mutters as the escalator reaches the bottom.
A set of double doors opens, and the senator walks through and sees that he's on a golf course.
The course is quite verdant and the air is crisp, and an elegant clubhouse lies in the distance.
Some men in fine evening wear rush out to greet him, and the Republican realizes that they are his friends from the Senate's Republican caucus, as well as some friends he had from the House of Representatives and the State Senate.
The senator joins them for their game, and then for a seven-course dinner including lobster and champagne.
The group is joined by the devil, a pale fellow in a flight jacket, with big ears and brown hair that is now mainly gray.
Everyone is very happy, and they laugh, joke, and tell stories about the old times, with all the kickbacks they took, the lies they told, and the stupid people they manipulated with fear and calls to nationalism.
As the night is drawing to a close, the Republican senator turns to the devil to address him.
"You know," states the Republican senator, "H-E-double hockey sticks is nothing like I thought it was going to be."
"And it's so weird that you're the devil," he continues, "and that you seem so much smarter down here."
"Always the one you least suspect, eh?" the devil asks.
"Well, actually..." the senator mutters but is cut off by the devil.
"I'm afraid that it's time for your day in Heaven, though," notes the devil, pulling a lever.
Again, the Republican is on an escalator, but going up.
"Oh, fudgesicles," the Republican mutters. "Why do I have to go to this Heaven place?"
Soon, he reaches St. Peter again, and goes through the double doors.
The Republican finds himself in a place with black marble floors and moving, color lights.
Some rock music is playing noticeably in the background, but the senator can't figure out the source.
"This is that stuff that's probably filled with the backwards lyrics about not sitting still and obeying," the Republican mutters to self.
Just then, he notices that he's being met by six females who each look about twenty-one, with gorgeous faces and thick, wavy hair, flat stomachs, tight butts, and long, thin legs, clad in revealing lingerie and high heels.
"What are these odd, sinful creatures?" the Republican muttered. "And why does one look like the players from that Negro League. Their kind isn't supposed to be allowed in..."
His musings were cut off by one of the girls, who said, "Hi, I hear you're new here. We try to give everyone a nice welcome, so you get all six of us. You want to go upstairs?"
"Why?" the Republican asked. "Is O'Reilly playing on a TV there?"
The girl giggled, then said, "No, we were going to play."
"Bingo?" the Republican inquired, excited. "Great, I'm a master at G52!"
"No," the girl responded, giggling again. "we had something better in mind. Actually, you can have me first, all three ways."
"Wait," the Republican responded, confused, "so we'll do regular Bingo, then corners, and postage stamp?"
The girl, now very amused, contined, "Actually, we can..." then leaned over and whispered in his ear.
The Republican yelped, and then ran into the bathroom, where he locked the door and crouched down by the toilet, in tears.
After an hour, he managed to crawl up, where he saw some dispensers on the wall.
"Why, these are those sin balloons," he noted, before picking up a bottle next to the sink and wondering, "and what is this odd, gooey substance?"
Eventually, the night passed, and he heard a knocking on the door.
"Are you okay in there?" called Peter. "Because it's time for you to make your decision..."
The Republican senator cautiously opened the door, and peered around to make sure the girls were gone.
"You've experienced a day in Heaven and a day in Hell," Peter noted. "So where would you like to spend eternity?"
"I can't believe I'm saying this after all I'd heard on Earth," the Republican replied, "but I much preferred the other place... you know, H-E-double hockey sticks. I'd like to go there."
"Sure thing, Republican," Peter responds while reaching for a lever, "go to Hell."
Before he knows it, the Republican senator is back on the escalator, heading down.
"Fine and dandy," notes the Republican as the double doors open.
He walks out and finds himself in a barren land, covered with garbage and with flames occasionally bursting from the ground.
His friends are in rags, picking up endless streams of trash and getting poked with pitchforks, as they move along a floor of hot coals.
The devil appears and the senator approaches him.
"I don't get it," cries the Republican. "Yesterday I played golf and drank champagne. My friends had fancy clothing and the land was picturesque.
This place looks painful, and everyone looks miserable.
What happened?"
.
.
.
Grinning, the devil replies, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3caabq/a_republican_meets_st_peter_at_the_heavens/
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What is a 6.9?

A great thing, ruined by a period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ca9eo/what_is_a_69/
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What does the Women's World Cup and 1945 have in common?

The US dropped two on Japan real quick
Not my joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ca3u9/what_does_the_womens_world_cup_and_1945_have_in/
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Pick Up Chinese Girl

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c9zzt/pick_up_chinese_girl/
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I'm holding a benefit for people with erectile dysfunction or orgasm issues.

If you can't come, let me know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c9x33/im_holding_a_benefit_for_people_with_erectile/
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Ralph was called in for a meeting with the IRS

, so he turns up for the meeting with his accountant. The tax clerk says to him "You wrote on your tax return that you make your money by gambling, but we find that quite hard to believe."
"No, it's true! I'm really good at it. Look, I can prove it! I bet you $250 that I can bite my eye."
The clerk thinks it over, and says "Ok, you're on."
Ralph takes out his glass eye, bites it and puts it back.
"You got me there," said the clerk.
"No, I'm better than that! Let's go double or nothing. Another $250 that I can bite my other eye."
The clerk, seeing that Ralph is clearly not blind, thinks that he's bluffing, and takes the bet.
Ralph takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
"Wow. I wasn't expecting that," said the clerk.
"Ok, I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet you $500 that I can stand on your desk, piss into your trashcan and not spill one drop on the floor."
The clerk spends a long time thinking about this, examining the distance from the desk to the bin, and concludes that there's no way Ralph will win this bet. "You're on" he says.
Ralph gets up on the desk, pulls down his pants and pisses all over the clerk's desk. All over his files, on his computer and everything. The clerk is ecstatic top have won his money back. In the corner, Ralph's accountant let out a loud groan. "What's wrong?" asks the clerk.
"This morning Ralph bet me $1000 that he could piss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c9w9u/ralph_was_called_in_for_a_meeting_with_the_irs/
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When Greek people play a video game, what settings do they use?

Default

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c9rry/when_greek_people_play_a_video_game_what_settings/
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Did you guys see the goal from half field today in the World Cup?

It was a great U.S. attack from Midway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c9mx5/did_you_guys_see_the_goal_from_half_field_today/
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What do you call a Spanish midget?

A paragraph.
Because he's not a full essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c9l2k/what_do_you_call_a_spanish_midget/
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Where do poor meatballs live?

the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c99cr/where_do_poor_meatballs_live/
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If Chile and Turkey had a war...

Would that be a recipe for disaster?
Would Greece get involved?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c982k/if_chile_and_turkey_had_a_war/
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Why would Ellen Pao not do her own AMA?

General Pao's chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c96ao/why_would_ellen_pao_not_do_her_own_ama/
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My wife of 57 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her choose one, I can't do both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c93qd/my_wife_of_57_years_said_lets_go_upstairs_and/
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Why doesn't Hitler play badminton?

Because he's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c927d/why_doesnt_hitler_play_badminton/
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A New Movie - Stephen Spielberg

Stephen Speilberg has just recently decided to create a new action movie about the greatest composers on Earth. His creates his cast and asks them 'Who do you want to be' ...
Bruce Willis says to him 'I ll play Beethoven, i've always fancied myself as a bit of a genius'
Liam Neeson then pipes up saying 'Im going to be Mozart, i find his music very relaxing and very baroque'
Lastly Arnold Schwarzenegger says 'Ill be Bach'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c8y9p/a_new_movie_stephen_spielberg/
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An Englishman, German, and Irishman

An Englishman, a German, and a Irishman are sitting in a bar, each with their favorite drink. Three flies buzzing around the bar choose to land in each of their drinks. The Englishman sees the fly in his wine and exclaims, "I cannot drink this filth! Bring me a fresh brew in a new glass!" The German shrugs, picks the fly out of his beer and starts drinking. The Irishman picks out the fly and begins squeezing it, yelling "SPIT IT OUT YEH WEE BASTARD! SPIT IT OUT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c8r70/an_englishman_german_and_irishman/
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Wordplay is fun.

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c8pzv/wordplay_is_fun/
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A driver is pulled over by a police officer...

The policeman approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The officer says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?!"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please?"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, but there is nothing there.
The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"
The man says, "Yes", and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs through his pockets, pulls out a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
"Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c8m6l/a_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_police_officer/
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I hate listening to music during sex...

There honestly aren't many good 30 second songs out there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c8jwo/i_hate_listening_to_music_during_sex/
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A family is at the dinner table

. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c8jwk/a_family_is_at_the_dinner_table/
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How many surrealist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c8d6p/how_many_surrealist_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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my doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c8a5k/my_doctor_wrote_me_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
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The devil is giving a banker a tour of hell...

... and as they're passing the pits of despair the banker notices a pit with no guards.
"Won't the sinners escape with no guards?" Asks the banker.
The devil replies, "Oh that pit is filled with the socialists, they don't need guards. As soon as one crawls out the others pull him back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c890n/the_devil_is_giving_a_banker_a_tour_of_hell/
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A man orders a pizza

. The waiter asks him: "Do you want your pizza cut in six or eight Pieces?" The man replies: "Six, i dont think i can eat eight"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c87iz/a_man_orders_a_pizza/
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Guys my calendar is really sick..

I think its days are numbered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c8695/guys_my_calendar_is_really_sick/
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What shoes does ninjas use?

Sneakers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c85zn/what_shoes_does_ninjas_use/
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How did the media find out that princess Diana had dandruff?

They saw her head and shoulders in the glove compartment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c83i7/how_did_the_media_find_out_that_princess_diana/
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What does the Starship Enterprise have in common with toilet paper?

They circle Uranus searching for clingons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c8374/what_does_the_starship_enterprise_have_in_common/
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The worst part about online dating

is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c82pi/the_worst_part_about_online_dating/
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Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c80t6/weight_loss_program/
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Where do Irish people go for breakfast?

Drunkin Donuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c807s/where_do_irish_people_go_for_breakfast/
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TIL Gerry Rafferty of Stealers Wheel is buried in the same graveyard as Ronald McDonald and Heath Ledger.

He has a clown to the left of him and a joker to the right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c7xdn/til_gerry_rafferty_of_stealers_wheel_is_buried_in/
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When I grow old, I am sure I will look back at my life and say

"aaaah! my neck hurts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c7w7s/when_i_grow_old_i_am_sure_i_will_look_back_at_my/
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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery...

The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket....."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c7tvd/a_jew_and_an_arab_go_into_a_bakery/
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So my neighbour knocked on my door at 3am..

3 AM! Can you believe that?! He was lucky I was still playing on my drumkit..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c7tv8/so_my_neighbour_knocked_on_my_door_at_3am/
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What religious group does reddit belong in?

Cat holics

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c7tdw/what_religious_group_does_reddit_belong_in/
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What do you get when you cross a sheep with a robot?

Steel wool

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c7tbc/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_sheep_with_a/
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Difference between Ellen Pao and Kim Jong-un.

One is tyrannical and ruthless dictator, who destroys each and every opposition and other is supreme leader of North Korea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c7ozn/difference_between_ellen_pao_and_kim_jongun/
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What did Julius Caesar say after taking Cleopatra's virginity?

Veni, Vidi... Veni.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c7cwn/what_did_julius_caesar_say_after_taking/
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In the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony...

...the double basses have a few big chords right at the start, then nothing for 10 minutes, then come in right at the end for the big finale. During rehearsals, the bass players started putting down their instruments, going for a quick drink, and comng back in time for the end.
On the night of the concert, they did the same thing. It was a hot night, so they drank a bit more. After 10 minutes, one of them said, "Hey, shouldn't we be getting back?" "No need," said another. "I've tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together, so he'll have to conduct very slowly while he gets the score undone."
When they get back, slightly hammered, the conductor's looking furious. He sees how drunk they all are, waves his hands to bring the orchestra to a stop, and storms off stage. There's a reporter waiting in the wings and he says, "What's going on? Why so angry?" The conductor snarls:
"Because it's the last of the Ninth, the score's tied, and the basses are loaded!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c7b8e/in_the_last_movement_of_beethovens_ninth_symphony/
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Arnold Schwarzenegger PC upgrade

Few years ago someone asked Arnold Schwarzenegger to upgrade his PC to windows 7. He said I still love vista, baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c7aqv/arnold_schwarzenegger_pc_upgrade/
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Mathematicians and engineers traveling to a congress...

Every engineer has a train ticket, but the mathematicians only have one. The engineers wonder what they're about to do when one shouts "Conductor!"
They all run towards the toilet and hide inside. The conductor knocks and says "ticket please". One of them slides the ticket to the conductor through the gap between door and floor, and the conductor walks away satisfied after seeing it.
A few days later, all of them travel back home, and this time the engineers also only have one ticket. Much to their surprise, this time the mathematicians had no ticket at all. One of the mathematicians shouts "Conductor!" The engineers all sprint to the toilet and hide inside, while the mathematicians slowly walk towards another. Shortly before the conductor arrives, one of them knocks on the engineer's toilet and says "ticket please!"
TL;DR: Engineers use the techniques of mathematicians without understanding them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c798v/mathematicians_and_engineers_traveling_to_a/
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Why does /r/fencing suck so bad?

Half of it is ripostes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c77oc/why_does_rfencing_suck_so_bad/
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What is the capital of Greece?

$20
(A friend told me this a few days ago).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c75lv/what_is_the_capital_of_greece/
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To entertain his court, the Emperor invites three renowned samurai to demonstrate their prowess with a sword.

The youngest of the samurai comes out on stage and bows before the Emperor. A boy at the stage's edge lifts the top off of a small box, and out comes a fly, buzzing toward the samurai. In a flash the samurai draws his katana and returns it to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage in two perfect halves. The Emperor and the people of his court applaud.
The second samurai, of middle-age, comes out on stage. Again, the boy releases a fly, and it buzzes toward the samurai. In a blink the katana slices through the air and returns to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage, and the boy rushes to it, excitedly exclaiming: "The fly lives, but the samurai removed its wings!" The Emperor and the people of his court applaud and cheer in wonder.
The third samurai, the eldest and most respected in the service of the Emperor, walks onto the stage. The boy opens the final box, and the fly travels toward the samurai. With the sing of metal, in one fluid motion, the old samurai draws and returns his sword to its sheath. And the fly keeps buzzing through the air.
The Emperor and the people of his court turn to each other with embarrassment on their faces. The Emperor sighs, thinking his most faithful servant has finally lost a duel: to Father Time. But then the samurai speaks:
"Friends, I have done something terrible. That fly will never have children."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c74gk/to_entertain_his_court_the_emperor_invites_three/
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Jim and Joe are walking on a road...

Jim and Joe are walking on a road. They come across a pile of shit left on the road by a horse. Jim bets 500 dollars that Joe won't be able to eat the whole pile of shit. Joe accepts the bet, eats the whole pile and gets his 500. They continue walking until they come across another pile of shit. Because Jim wants to get his money back, he bets 500 dollars that he can eat the pile of shit. Joe agrees, Jim eats the pile of shit and get's his money back. They continue walking. Jim is happy until he suddenly comes to a realization. "Did we just eat shit for no reason?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c705n/jim_and_joe_are_walking_on_a_road/
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An invisible man married an invisible woman...

Their kids were nothing to look at either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c6zju/an_invisible_man_married_an_invisible_woman/
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Why do elephants have four feet?

Because six inches would never satisfy a female elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c6yj0/why_do_elephants_have_four_feet/
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I gave my number to a really hot girl at the bar and told her to text me when she got home.

She must have been homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c6xtj/i_gave_my_number_to_a_really_hot_girl_at_the_bar/
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Ya know, my dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records once...

Wasn't for very long though. Librarian told me to put the book down and get the fuck out before she called the cops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c6wpt/ya_know_my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world/
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A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...

It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken  after all these years! What's happened?"
"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c6wj4/a_german_babys_parents_are_concerned_that_he/
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What do American beer and sex in a canoe have in common?

F***ing close to water!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c6urg/what_do_american_beer_and_sex_in_a_canoe_have_in/
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A clearly exhausted Pao walks into a pub and orders a drink....

The bartender asks "long day?"
"No, all days are 24 hours long" Pao replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c6rz4/a_clearly_exhausted_pao_walks_into_a_pub_and/
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c6hob/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/
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What do you call porn with transgender midgets?

Micro trans action.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c6fca/what_do_you_call_porn_with_transgender_midgets/
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A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...

"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c6ec2/a_mother_catches_her_12yearold_son_smoking_in_the/
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What do you call the beginning of a porno?

Prelude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c698t/what_do_you_call_the_beginning_of_a_porno/
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What's a police officer's favorite party game?

Pin the murder on the black guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c660o/whats_a_police_officers_favorite_party_game/
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They call my dick 'the landmine'...

because the second anyone touches it, it explodes :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c63gp/they_call_my_dick_the_landmine/
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A hillbilly tells his parents he won't marry his fiance because she is a virgin.

"If she isn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c6208/a_hillbilly_tells_his_parents_he_wont_marry_his/
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I don't meant to brag,

but I'm the world champion in false modesty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c61gv/i_dont_meant_to_brag/
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A man and a woman are sleeping in the same carriage...

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies.
"Get your own blanket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c60vl/a_man_and_a_woman_are_sleeping_in_the_same/
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What does a waiter say to a fat person when it takes a long time to bring out the fat person's food?

Sorry about your weight

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c607x/what_does_a_waiter_say_to_a_fat_person_when_it/
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What do you call a mill thats just ok?

A satisfactory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5xxk/what_do_you_call_a_mill_thats_just_ok/
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A girl looks at the mirror and says "Mom, I look really ugly, can you compliment me and make me feel better?"

The mother says "Wow you have really good eyesight!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5wb5/a_girl_looks_at_the_mirror_and_says_mom_i_look/
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What do you call a camera that shoots out true facts about an ancient Phoenician city?

A Canon, Canaan-canon cannon...
(I'm not sorry...)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5w4v/what_do_you_call_a_camera_that_shoots_out_true/
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What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5uyg/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_in_space/
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I like my women like I like my pie....

Made by my grandmother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5syo/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_pie/
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I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was a muffler.

I woke up pretty exhausted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5r7g/i_had_the_weirdest_dream_last_night_i_dreamt_that/
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Green Thumb

Little Johnny was outside with his father one day and had noticed how great the neighbors garden looks.
Little Johnny's dad says to him "Our neighbor has a green thumb"  Little Johnny was curious so went in for a closer look.
When he came back to tell his father that his thumb wasn't green, his father replied:
I didn't mean his thumb was actually green...  it's like when someone says they caught someone red handed... there hands arnt actually red...  the're black...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5qxu/green_thumb/
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What's the hardest part about dumping a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5qav/whats_the_hardest_part_about_dumping_a_japanese/
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Bought a Muslim sex doll today

It blows itself up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5pv3/bought_a_muslim_sex_doll_today/
%
Joe took his date, Kerri, to the carnival...

Joe, using one of those online matchmaker services, get's a date with Kerri.
Joe decides to take Kerri to the carnival.
As they walk down the midway, he asks "What would you like to do first, Kerri?"
"I want to get weighed," she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 130 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 110 and she won a prize.
Ambling along the midway again, Joe asked if she'd like to ride the Ferris Wheel or the Roller Coaster or something. Kerri responded "I want to get weighed."
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was just really weird, pretended to be getting a headache, and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kerri responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5p0e/joe_took_his_date_kerri_to_the_carnival/
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any Pixar movie in his collection...

But he's never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5kec/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_pixar_movie/
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My boss asked me to pick him something cheap up to eat for lunch

he wasn't too happy when I came back with his daughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5kdt/my_boss_asked_me_to_pick_him_something_cheap_up/
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What do you call it when my girlfriend kills 250 million unborn children

A Swallocaust. I'm not proud of myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5c5j/what_do_you_call_it_when_my_girlfriend_kills_250/
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When Lionel Messi dies..

He should have his Argentinian team mates bury him so they can let him down one last time..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5c52/when_lionel_messi_dies/
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What does a woman's A**hole do when she has an orgasm?

He's at home watching the kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c5boi/what_does_a_womans_ahole_do_when_she_has_an_orgasm/
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Doctor told my wife and I that our baby has an extra chromosome...

What a downer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c58qp/doctor_told_my_wife_and_i_that_our_baby_has_an/
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Why I love duct tape?

It can turn "No, no no!" into "mmph, mmmph, mmmph"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c58k9/why_i_love_duct_tape/
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Hey England, Happy Fourh of July!!!

Britain: "What happened to the T?"
America: "We threw it in the Harbor!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c54re/hey_england_happy_fourh_of_july/
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What do you do when you love a hotel?

You Mariott

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c4yae/what_do_you_do_when_you_love_a_hotel/
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My doctor said no more drinking.

so I froze my alcohol into cubes and ate them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c4xle/my_doctor_said_no_more_drinking/
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So a blonde lady goes to the barber.

Barber says "I can't cut your hair if you don't take off your headphones". Blonde lady says "I can't take off my headphones or else I will die". Barber proceeds to cut her hair as best as he can without removing her headphones.
After a few minutes, the barber is just about done with the haircut and he wants to move the headphones just a little bit to get the last little bit of hair cut right. So he slyly moves the headphones off of her ears and everything is fine but after about a minute he notices the blonde lady has turned blue and then she collapses onto the floor.
Curious, he puts on the headphones to see what was playing that was keeping this lady alive. The headphones are playing "Breathe in... Breathe out... Breathe in... Breathe out...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c4x3d/so_a_blonde_lady_goes_to_the_barber/
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What's Pao's favorite Chinese dish?

Infant children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c4q95/whats_paos_favorite_chinese_dish/
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How does a nucleus get out of prison?

Through the cell wall.
*Badum tss* :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c4pd8/how_does_a_nucleus_get_out_of_prison/
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Vacation Joke

A woman went to the only hairdresser in town to get her hair styled for a vacation trip to Rome with her husband.  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who was of Italian descent, he responded, "Rome?  Why you go there?  It's crowded and dirty.  Full of tourists.  So, how are you getting there?"
"We're flying US Airways," was the reply.  "We got a great rate!"
"US Airways!" exclaimed the hairdresser.  “Too bad. That's the worst airline. Always late.  You should have asked me first. I'm  always flying to Italy. So where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this little place over on the Tiber River called Teste."
"Oh, I know that place.  Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." You should not stay in Rome, and you should not visit the touristy things there.
"But we want to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"You and and thousands of other people.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Watch out you don't get your pocket picked in the crowd."
A month later, the woman comes back to the beauty parlor.  The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of US Airways brand new planes, but it was tourist class was overbooked, and they put us first class. And the hotel was great! They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us a suite for the price of a room!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser,  "I'm happy for your good luck, but I was right it's a waste of time to try to see the  Pope, wasn't it?"
"Actually, we had a wonderful experience at the Vatican, too. A Swiss Guard tapped my husband on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet visitors, and if we'd like to step into anteroom of his quarters and wait, we would get a brief audience with the Pope.  We did and five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and blessed us!  He even talked to us a little."
"Oh, really!  What'd he say?"
He said, "Who fucked up your hair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c4ly8/vacation_joke/
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2 hillbillies walking through a field.

2 hillbillies are walking through a field when they come across an old well. They start talking to each other asking how deep the well is. One of the hillbillies grabs a nearby shopping cart and tosses it down the well. While they are listening for a splash a billy goat comes charging right at them, they jump out of the way and the goat runs and jumps right down the well. A little while later a farmer comes walking by asking if either of them have seen the goat. The hillbilly says "you're not gonna believe this, That goat your looking for came charging right at us then jumped down this well." Then the farmer says "That's impossible. I had it chained up to a shopping cart."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c4ip5/2_hillbillies_walking_through_a_field/
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My wife and I were happy for 25 years

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c4i54/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_25_years/
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My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.

She needs to lighten up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c4f1o/my_girlfriend_hates_when_i_make_jokes_about_her/
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The New York Yankees Officially Sign Adrian Peterson

They needed a good switch hitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c4end/the_new_york_yankees_officially_sign_adrian/
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What do Steam users and Reddit admins have in common?

They don't want to pay for mods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c4cut/what_do_steam_users_and_reddit_admins_have_in/
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How can you know a girl is from Japan?

Her pussy is blurry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c4b3c/how_can_you_know_a_girl_is_from_japan/
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I call her Magnet...

She's attractive from the back, but repulsive from the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c4atc/i_call_her_magnet/
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Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer?

She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c46zr/why_did_ellen_pao_fire_an_employee_with_cancer/
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REPORT: Number 9 found dead, half eaten in home. 7 has been brought in for questioning.

When asked for comment, the Chief of Police said, "Due to overwhelming evidence, 7 is the prime suspect in this case."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c461r/report_number_9_found_dead_half_eaten_in_home_7/
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I went to McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries"

The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c43h4/i_went_to_mcdonalds_yesterday_and_said_id_like/
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How do you seduce a fat woman?

Piece of cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c42q3/how_do_you_seduce_a_fat_woman/
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What do you call a party with 100 midgets?

A little get together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c41es/what_do_you_call_a_party_with_100_midgets/
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On CNN I just saw a headline that said "Reddit Revolts"

My first thought was, "Mr. CNN reporter. You don't know the internet very well do you. Reddit is revolting every day"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c40pq/on_cnn_i_just_saw_a_headline_that_said_reddit/
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Lets talk.

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c40dk/lets_talk/
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The Declaration of Independence was NOT written in Philadelphia.

it was written in ink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3zzt/the_declaration_of_independence_was_not_written/
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How to pick a girl.

Got to a chic in a bar and tell her this joke.
Three flies are stuck in a jar. Two female flies and one male fly. For some reason the female flies have it in their heads that the male knows how to get out. The first female fly buzzes over the the male and asks him how to get out of the jar.
"Fuck me and I'll tell you."
She's desperate to get out, so she fucks him.
"What you need to do is, start flying around the top to get some speed, dive toward the bottom and pull up to the top at the last second and you'll [*snap] pop right out."
So she does exactly as he says. Right as she pulls up toward the top [*smack your hand] SPLAT! She hits the lid and falls down dead.
So the second female fly, because flies are dumb, goes over the the male fly and asks him the same thing, how to get out of the jar.
"Fuck me and I'll tell you."
She too is desperate to get out, so she fucks him.
"What you need to do is, start flying around the top to get some speed, dive toward the bottom and pull up to the top at the last second and you'll [*snap] pop right out."
So she also does exactly as he says. Right as she pulls up toward the top [*smack your hand] SPLAT! She hits the lid and falls down dead.
So now this male fly is in a jar with two dead female flies, and he wants out. So he flies around the top to get some speed, dives toward the bottom, pulls up at the last second, and [*snap] pops right out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3zbs/how_to_pick_a_girl/
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Why did the libertarian cross the road?

None of your goddamn business. Am I being detained?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3ypa/why_did_the_libertarian_cross_the_road/
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A Hispanic photon walks into a bar

No mas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3yeh/a_hispanic_photon_walks_into_a_bar/
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What kind of tea did the American colonists want?

Liberty

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3y9p/what_kind_of_tea_did_the_american_colonists_want/
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A priest, a bishop and a rabbi walk into a bar...

... they see Ellen Pao and leave for the bar across the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3urk/a_priest_a_bishop_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do they do for the 4th of July in England?

Sulk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3tnq/what_do_they_do_for_the_4th_of_july_in_england/
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What'd the gun that killed a community sound like?

Pao Pao Pao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3syh/whatd_the_gun_that_killed_a_community_sound_like/
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A man was sitting at the bar when he walked over to the bartender...

He asked the bartender, "Hey, how about one on the house for your ol' pal?"
The bartender replied, "No can do, sir. You have to pay money to drink here."
The man, crestfallen, tries a different strategy. "How about a bet?"
The bartender's crippling gambling addiction took over, and with piqued curiosity said, "What do you have in mind?"
"I bet you 500 dollars that I can piss into a glass on this bar and not get a drop anywhere else." he replied.
The bartender, seeing easy money, pulled out a clean glass and set it on the bar. Shaking the man's hand, he accepted the bet.
The man then stood up on the bar, unzipped his pants, and commenced pissing everywhere. All over the bar, some of the snacks, behind the bar, whatever. When he finished, the bartender, dumbfounded yet satisfied with winning, said. "Welp, I win! Where's my 500?"
The man said, "Hold on a second," and began to walk back to where he was originally seated.
"Woah! Just where do you think you're goin?"
The man stopped, and replied, "Well, I bet that guy over there $1000 that I could piss all over the bar and you'd be happy about it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3rr5/a_man_was_sitting_at_the_bar_when_he_walked_over/
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My girlfriend called me a pedophile.

I said that's a big word for a nine year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3qv5/my_girlfriend_called_me_a_pedophile/
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Why does America not have knock knock jokes?

Because freedom rings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3qe5/why_does_america_not_have_knock_knock_jokes/
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I'm not saying Ellen Pao is Hitler but..

I haven't seen the two of them in the same room..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3oef/im_not_saying_ellen_pao_is_hitler_but/
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What do you call a cat who steals someone's identity?

An impawster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3ln8/what_do_you_call_a_cat_who_steals_someones/
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What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3jha/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
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Double standards are not fair!

When miley cirus gets naked and licks hammers its beautiful and artistic, but when I do it its weird, creepy and I get a life time ban from Ikea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3fym/double_standards_are_not_fair/
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With everything going on at reddit you would think that Pao would at least regreddit

:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c3e3r/with_everything_going_on_at_reddit_you_would/
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Christian Kittens

A preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box.
When he got closer he could see that the box held a litter of new-born kittens. "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.
"They're Christian kittens," replied the little girl.
The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her thoughts.
A few days later the preacher saw the little girl again. "And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" he asked.
"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're atheist kittens," replied the girl.
"But... I thought you said they were Christian kittens?" responded the preacher, concerned over the sudden change.
"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c38kr/christian_kittens/
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Jesus was set in charge of pearly gates of St. Peter for a few minutes.

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes.
Jesus agrees and in a few minutes he sees an old old man approach.
The old man walked very slowly, had a halting gait, long white hair and a beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man said that he was looking for his son.
Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could because there were millions of people there.
"I know I can identify him," said the old man, "because he has holes in his hands and feet!"
Jesus looks at him in shock and says, "Father? Is that you?"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinnochio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c35v5/jesus_was_set_in_charge_of_pearly_gates_of_st/
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What happened to the engineer who miss labeled all the floor numbers

He was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c2yc0/what_happened_to_the_engineer_who_miss_labeled/
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My weightlifting trainer told me the key is "If it burns, it grows"

So I lit my cock on fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c2y9s/my_weightlifting_trainer_told_me_the_key_is_if_it/
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How many reddit admins does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Seriously who knows? It's pitch black in here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c2sux/how_many_reddit_admins_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c2nz1/a_husband_and_wife_are_trying_to_set_up_a_new/
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What is the speed limit of sex?

68, because at 69 you have to turn around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c2irk/what_is_the_speed_limit_of_sex/
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Who teaches you how to fart?

A tutor  :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c2gta/who_teaches_you_how_to_fart/
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My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper.

But she screamed when I brought her one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c2gb4/my_wife_told_me_she_wanted_the_body_of_a_stripper/
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What do you call a turkey with Parkinson's Disease?

Turkey Jerky

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c2f1k/what_do_you_call_a_turkey_with_parkinsons_disease/
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He Demanded to be Buried With ALL of His Money...

After working hard his entire life and religiously saving his money, one man’s dying wish was to be buried with every cent he had earned.
Of course, this last selfish request would have left his widow destitute, but apparently, a lifetime of love and devotion wasn’t worth much to him.
“Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me,” the man said to his wife shortly before he passed away.
“Because I want to take all my money to the after life.”
He made her promise that she would honor his dying wish, and being a good Christian woman, she remained true to her word.
On the day the man was laid to rest, the widow dressed in black and watched her husband’s body stretched out in the coffin as her best friend sat beside her for support.
Before the casket was closed, she placed a shoebox containing all of her deceased husband’s money beside him.
“I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man,” exclaimed the woman’s friend in disbelief.
“Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was to put that money in that casket with him,” the widow replied.
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?” asked her friend.
“I sure did,” said the widow. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c25b3/he_demanded_to_be_buried_with_all_of_his_money/
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Three dwarfs are trying to get into the Guinness book of world records.

One thinks he has the smallest hands ever, the second thinks he has the smallest feet and the third thinks he has the smallest penis.
The guy thinking he has the smallest hands is called and goes to the back room. About five minutes later he comes out fist pumping and jumping up and down. He tells the others "I've got the smallest hands in the world!"
The other two are so excited for him, they all high five and talk about his experience until the guy thinking he has the smallest feet is called back. Nervously he walks into the back room.
The two other guys wait in anticipation until about five minutes later he comes back into the waiting room dancing like a maniac. "I've got the smallest feet in the world" he exclaims. The others are so excited for him and they all dance and joke around.
After a little while the last guy who thinks he has the smallest penis is called back and sure enough, just like the others he comes walking back into the waiting room about five minutes later but he is dragging his feet and obviously upset. The other two jump up and ask him "what's wrong"? .. He replies what the heck is a reddit admin?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c22wk/three_dwarfs_are_trying_to_get_into_the_guinness/
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I'd sit on Ellen Pao's face...

... Just so I wouldn't have to look at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c1x0t/id_sit_on_ellen_paos_face/
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[META] Ever since the sub returned, it's become a hive of circlejerking, reposts, and bad quality.

I'm so happy things were able to stay the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c1wvj/meta_ever_since_the_sub_returned_its_become_a/
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four guys have a very poor view, so he stands on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c1v9g/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_a_german/
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/r/blackpeopletwitter is still dark

/r/blackpeopletwitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c1v3k/rblackpeopletwitter_is_still_dark/
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Did you hear about the new Voat mobile app?

It's called Reddit Was Fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c1q82/did_you_hear_about_the_new_voat_mobile_app/
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The Texas State Trooper and the Juggler

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c1od0/the_texas_state_trooper_and_the_juggler/
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Despite the hate , I made a list of all the great things Ellen Pao has done for Reddit

I guess that covers it all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c1blb/despite_the_hate_i_made_a_list_of_all_the_great/
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My dad was a complicated man.

He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black — that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c195s/my_dad_was_a_complicated_man/
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Since reddit is nearing its demise, how do i cash out my gold?

All 0 of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c13ay/since_reddit_is_nearing_its_demise_how_do_i_cash/
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What did the penis say to the condom?

"Cover me. I'm going in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0uqt/what_did_the_penis_say_to_the_condom/
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How is Ellen Pao so good at driving Reddit into the ground?

I thought Asian women couldn't drive &#3232;_&#3232;

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0s08/how_is_ellen_pao_so_good_at_driving_reddit_into/
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Petition to replace Ellen Pao with Victoria Taylor.

No joke.
Its a popular coup necessary to save Reddit from its current state of gross mismanagement.
(Also, did Jessie Jackson and the grotesque scaredy cat race baiting and fake Nazi-progressive politics of this Age get Victoria fired?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0nxx/petition_to_replace_ellen_pao_with_victoria_taylor/
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Why Victoria Got Fired

Victoria calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I can't come to work today. I'm really sick. I have a headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I can not come to work."
Pao says, "You know Victoria, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my husband and tell him to give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Victoria calls again: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great. I will be at work soon. You have a nice house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0neg/why_victoria_got_fired/
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The gun that killed Reddit

Went **Pao Pao Pao**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0mmq/the_gun_that_killed_reddit/
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Why does Ellen Pao play so much tennis?

Its the only place she can get love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0ikj/why_does_ellen_pao_play_so_much_tennis/
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Reddit's turning into 1980's America

Mass privatization, and everyone is blaming the Chinese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0hqv/reddits_turning_into_1980s_america/
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Personally, I'm fine with what Reddit's admins are doing.

It's fun watching them Digg their own grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0h9g/personally_im_fine_with_what_reddits_admins_are/
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Reddit knock knock joke

Knock knock..who's there...go away the punchline is private!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0gzr/reddit_knock_knock_joke/
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What's the difference between Ellen Pao and Kim Jong Un?

Kim Jong Un has control over his country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0gj4/whats_the_difference_between_ellen_pao_and_kim/
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What's the difference between Reddit's CEO and Hitler?

There's no "L" in Pao.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0ga8/whats_the_difference_between_reddits_ceo_and/
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What's the funniest thing /r/funny has done?

Gone private.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0g7f/whats_the_funniest_thing_rfunny_has_done/
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What's the difference between a fence and Ellen Pao

One knows how to link properly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0fpp/whats_the_difference_between_a_fence_and_ellen_pao/
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How many Ellen Paos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. The mods do that for her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0er6/how_many_ellen_paos_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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So an old lady goes to the doctor...

and the doctor says, "I'm sorry, you have cancer." The lady begins to cry her eyes out. Then the doctor finds out something else and tells her, "Sorry ma'am, you also have Alzheimer's." Very sad to hear the news, the old lady tells the doctor, "Well at least I don't have cancer!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0dwi/so_an_old_lady_goes_to_the_doctor/
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What does apathy sound like?

I'm Ellen Pao, AMA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0cpp/what_does_apathy_sound_like/
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What's the difference between Victoria Taylor and Arnold Schwarzenegger?

One was fired, the other was terminated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0cbk/whats_the_difference_between_victoria_taylor_and/
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What's the difference between a Donald Trump and Ellen Pao?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0avm/whats_the_difference_between_a_donald_trump_and/
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I want to write about what's happening on reddit...

...but I can't spell "drama" without "AMA."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c09qj/i_want_to_write_about_whats_happening_on_reddit/
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What is reddits least favorite dish?

Kung Pao Chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c07vh/what_is_reddits_least_favorite_dish/
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Jet Fuel can't melt Ellen Pao

[User was banned for this post]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c07fg/jet_fuel_cant_melt_ellen_pao/
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Reddit is going orange

From what I hear it's a new black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c06w1/reddit_is_going_orange/
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What did the reddit admins say to the mods?

[This post was removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c0625/what_did_the_reddit_admins_say_to_the_mods/
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What sound does Reddit make when it blows up?

Pao!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c05wq/what_sound_does_reddit_make_when_it_blows_up/
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What did the hammerhead shark say to the people on the beach?

Can't touch this.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c044i/what_did_the_hammerhead_shark_say_to_the_people/
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What has shadier inner workings, Reddit or FIFA?

Still waiting to hear back from an admin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3by9bs/what_has_shadier_inner_workings_reddit_or_fifa/
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Whats the difference between reddit and hell?

Hell *fires* bad people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3by7lr/whats_the_difference_between_reddit_and_hell/
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Jumper cables walked into a bar

Bartender said I'll serve you but you better not start anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3by347/jumper_cables_walked_into_a_bar/
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How many reddit admins does it take to screw in a light bulb

Ill let you know once they get back to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bxt6f/how_many_reddit_admins_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What did the reddit user say to the CEO of reddit Ellen Pao

[This Post was Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bxonx/what_did_the_reddit_user_say_to_the_ceo_of_reddit/
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Why does Piglet smell so bad?

Because he always plays with Pooh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bxfyp/why_does_piglet_smell_so_bad/
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Yo mommas so ugly..

Scorpion said
"STAY OVER THERE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bxf9n/yo_mommas_so_ugly/
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What do you get when you put a root beer in a square glass?

A beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bx9wc/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_a_root_beer_in_a/
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a man wants to have sex

so a man wants  to have sex with his wife but she's not in the mood so she gives him 20$ and tells him to go do it with some whore.
as he left he met his neighbors wife and tells her the problem…  so she took the 20$ and had sex with him!
the man goes back happy to his house and his wife asks him hlw he got back so early and he tells her he had sex with the neighbors wife. she asked him if she took the money and he replies: yes ofcourse!
the wife angrly responds: THAT BITCH! i never take money from her husband!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bx8df/a_man_wants_to_have_sex/
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A woman is calling her cell provider...

Woman: I don't get my text messages
Tech support: Have you tried reading them again?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bx8bi/a_woman_is_calling_her_cell_provider/
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Have you heard the one about the misaddressed letter?

You might not get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bx6j0/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_misaddressed/
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Donald Trump is losing support from Republicans

He is considering joining the Whig party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bx0jl/donald_trump_is_losing_support_from_republicans/
%
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bx09a/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whose_whole_left_side/
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Paddy has a broken leg and his friend Mick comes around to visit him.....

Mick says, "How you doin'?"
"Okay," Paddy says, "but do me a favour will ya, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
Paddy says to them, "Your da's sent me up here to have sex with the both of ye."
They say, "Get away with ya... ya dirty bastard, prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bwzm2/paddy_has_a_broken_leg_and_his_friend_mick_comes/
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I'm going to get a dime-sized spider tattooed on my penis.

It's the only way I can get women to shout "Oh my God it's huge!" when they see my dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bwyu3/im_going_to_get_a_dimesized_spider_tattooed_on_my/
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A man walks into an elevator.

A man walks into an elevator which a beautiful woman is already in. He looks to her and asks " Can I smell your feet?" She looks at him disgusted and says "No!" To which he replies "Oh, well then that must be your pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bwui0/a_man_walks_into_an_elevator/
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What's E.T. short for?

Because he's got little legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bwots/whats_et_short_for/
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There are some benefits to having alzheimers

For example, you get to meet new people constantly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bwhkp/there_are_some_benefits_to_having_alzheimers/
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"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"
"Grandpa"
"Wait, STOP THE FUNERAL!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bwh5q/knock_knock/
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2 engineers v/s a Blonde

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bwchw/2_engineers_vs_a_blonde/
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It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in   Montana  in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows  in   Montana  territory
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
Harry Reid:
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bwbbu/it_just_all_depends_on_how_you_look_at_some_things/
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My grandpa just died of lung cancer...

He fought it asbestos he could.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bw9rr/my_grandpa_just_died_of_lung_cancer/
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It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife,

but eventually the assassin and I agreed on a fee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bw7ta/it_was_hard_to_come_to_terms_with_the_death_of_my/
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip

In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. "Watson," he says, "look up in the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of stars, Holmes," says Watson.
"And what do you conclude from that, Watson?"
Watson thinks for a moment. "Well," he says, "astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson... someone has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bw0yk/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_watson_go_on_a_camping_trip/
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An awkward question!

A little boy walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" he asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the boy.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the loo, and that is poo."
The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And tigger?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bw0t8/an_awkward_question/
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What is the difference between Kanye West and God?

God doesn't think that He's Kanye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvxb6/what_is_the_difference_between_kanye_west_and_god/
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Did you hear about the prize for the Amish children's cooking competition?

Whichever kiddo makes the best egg dish gets to keep the Amlet omelet amulet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvwkm/did_you_hear_about_the_prize_for_the_amish/
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Why do Jewish guys get circumcised?

Because Jewish women love anything 10 percent off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvwd5/why_do_jewish_guys_get_circumcised/
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Why do they ask you if you want paper or plastic at the supermarket?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvwci/why_do_they_ask_you_if_you_want_paper_or_plastic/
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I like my tumors like I like my bingo numbers...

B9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvw8d/i_like_my_tumors_like_i_like_my_bingo_numbers/
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What do you call a guy who works out regularly?

Jim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvvfw/what_do_you_call_a_guy_who_works_out_regularly/
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NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto  . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you
Thinking?
Her husband speaks English!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvu9m/no_speak_english/
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What do a condom and a fighter jet have in common?

A cockpit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvtgr/what_do_a_condom_and_a_fighter_jet_have_in_common/
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what did the depressed monkey say when his tail went through the lawnmower?

It won't be long now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvt4i/what_did_the_depressed_monkey_say_when_his_tail/
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A blind man walks into a bar

And a table and a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvrfx/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why couldn't the chord get into the bar?

She was A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvjpf/why_couldnt_the_chord_get_into_the_bar/
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What do you call a Vietnamese wedding?

A Win-Win situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvj9x/what_do_you_call_a_vietnamese_wedding/
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Did you hear about the lumberjack who lost his job?

They gave him the axe, he just couldn't hack it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvi0d/did_you_hear_about_the_lumberjack_who_lost_his_job/
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What do Naturopathic doctors use to keep up with their finances?

Quackbooks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvhkr/what_do_naturopathic_doctors_use_to_keep_up_with/
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What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?

DAM!           (airplane stewardess told me and had me on ground laughing)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvhfr/what_did_the_fish_say_when_it_ran_into_the_wall/
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Recursion walks into a reddit post (xpost from /r/Jokes)

[Recursion walks into a reddit post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvhab/recursion_walks_into_a_reddit_post_xpost_from/) (xpost from /r/Jokes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvhab/recursion_walks_into_a_reddit_post_xpost_from/
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Sister Immaculate

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.
"Hey penguins, show us your boobs!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculate, "I don't think they know who we are.  Show them your cross."
Sister Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculate then looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvgw6/sister_immaculate/
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I bought my dog a brand new flatscreen for his birthday today - I even had it engraved!

TO SHIBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvg97/i_bought_my_dog_a_brand_new_flatscreen_for_his/
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Birthdays are good for your health

Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvfg2/birthdays_are_good_for_your_health/
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Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.
The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.
The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.
The French developed parkour - the art of running away as quickly and efficiently as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvfcq/martial_arts/
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Why can't guys do the splits?

The banana gets in the way.
Banana split

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bve6z/why_cant_guys_do_the_splits/
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My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...

it's like I've never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvdjc/my_friend_really_changed_when_she_became_a/
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Why doesn't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he's dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bva9x/why_doesnt_michael_jackson_play_chess/
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Terrifying Story

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bv9am/terrifying_story/
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I have glasses but cannot see. I have feet but cannot walk. What am I?

A riddle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bv99o/i_have_glasses_but_cannot_see_i_have_feet_but/
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I was at the Natural History Museum

and I saw the Neanderthal exhibit. Those guys were buff studs.
no homo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bv6fj/i_was_at_the_natural_history_museum/
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The Lone Ranger Joke {NSFW}

The Lone Ranger was riding off in the desert when he gets captured by Indians. They tie him to a stake and the Indian chief says to him. "Unk, Lone Ranger we kill'em at sundown, give'm last request". Lone Ranger thinks about it and says "I'd like to talk to my horse." The Indian chief says "Hmm mighty strange request we grant it though." The Lone Ranger whispers something to Silver. and Silver takes off in a flash. A couple hours past and the Lone Ranger is getting nervous.
He looks off in the distance. And here comes Silver and behind him are a 100 naked women. Well the Indians forget about the Lone Ranger and they just have one hellva of an orgy all night long. The next morning the Indian chief comes up to the Lone Ranger and says "Unk Lone Ranger mighty fine orgy, best we ever had, you can go".The Lone Ranger thanks him and rides off.
As soon as he gets out of sight of the Indians, he stops Silver, slaps him across the face, and says "I said Posse, go and get the Posse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bv5t4/the_lone_ranger_joke_nsfw/
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George Falls in Love

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."
"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.
"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bv5rp/george_falls_in_love/
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I got arrested the other day for stealing full stops.

I'm looking at a long sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bv4ii/i_got_arrested_the_other_day_for_stealing_full/
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Why didn't the penguin jump off the iceberg?

Because he got cold feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bv497/why_didnt_the_penguin_jump_off_the_iceberg/
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Why'd Sally fall off the swings?

Cause she's got no arms.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bv487/whyd_sally_fall_off_the_swings/
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A man, a pub and a dare

A man goes to a pub for a drink and spies on the counter a glass jar filled with $50 notes.
"bartender, what's this then" the man asks while pointing to his favourite ale on tap.
"oh, that's for the local dare we got set up, put in $50, you do three things and you get the whole jar. First you have to knock out the bouncer at the Pink Panther club down the road, big mean Maori bloke. Next we got this wild dingo out back, angry bugger, got to pull out one of its teeth bare handed. Finally up stairs me Nan needs a root, she's 98 but she's up for it" the bartender replies while pouring.
The man downs his glass, puts the money in the jar, nods his head and leaves.
20 minutes later the bartender gets a call from his mate at the club saying some crazy bastard knocked out the big kiwi bartender with an uppercut.
The door then slams open and the man walks in with a triumphant grin.
"Alright, where's this dingo? "
"The dogs out back tied up. Careful though it's pretty dangerous" says the bartender while opening the back door and showing him the way.
When he returns the pub is quiet, every patron listening in for the chaos that would come.
Then, squeals and screams, the sounds of tearing clothes and flesh.
The dingo was clearly ripping him apart and all everyone could do is sit there in dread, glancing at each other in worry.
A little while passes and it goes quite, until the back door slams open and there stands the man, panting and tired with bite marks and blood all over him.
"Jesus Christ mate" gasps the worried bartender, "no one's ever gone this far before".
The man stares the bartender down.
"I don't want to talk about it, just show me where your bloody grandma is so I can pull out her damned tooth".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bv2pg/a_man_a_pub_and_a_dare/
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A young boy asks his dad

:
"Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their fingers aren't green?"
Dad replies:
"It's just a saying, son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing something, they say that they have been caught 'red handed,' even though their hands are actually black."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bv1tx/a_young_boy_asks_his_dad/
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What's the difference between a Ford and a tampon?

The tampon comes with a tow rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bv0vj/whats_the_difference_between_a_ford_and_a_tampon/
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My parents always tell me that their world doesn't revolve around me

I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bv0g5/my_parents_always_tell_me_that_their_world_doesnt/
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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I will tell you later.
SOURCE: Heard it on the subway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3buyrn/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_in_suspense/
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My dad was showing me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex.

The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3buxu2/my_dad_was_showing_me_pictures_of_why_to_wear/
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Egg timer

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3buw4i/egg_timer/
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It sucks to be a dick..

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3buvjc/it_sucks_to_be_a_dick/
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Why didn't the rat go to college?

It gotten eaten by the bear...and bears don't go to college.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3busot/why_didnt_the_rat_go_to_college/
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Greece announced they are going to default on their nearly 1.8 billion dollar loan

Who would’ve thought the country that invented the philosophy major would be broke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bus56/greece_announced_they_are_going_to_default_on/
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The Devon Farmer

A Devon farmer is out walking his land one evening and sees a smartly dressed man crouching down by a stream, about to take a drink.
"ERE, ee dun wanna be doin at - tis full o arse piss and cow shite" says the farmer in his broad west country accent.
"I'm terribly sorry but I've just moved down from London and bought that lovely cottage in the village which I plan to develop", replies the man. "You'll need to speak much slower, I've yet to get to grips with the lingo".
"Oh I'm sorry, if-you-use-two-hands-you-won't-spill-any" replied the farmer helpfully.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3burrx/the_devon_farmer/
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic confessional

and doesn't say anything. So after a few minutes, the priest, in an effort to get the man's attention coughs. The man doesn't respond, so the priest stomps his foot. Still nothing. Finally the priest bangs on the wall of the confessional. The man replies, "There's no use banging, my friend, I don't have any toilet paper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3buoyq/a_drunk_staggers_into_a_catholic_confessional/
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Landmine

A recently recruited soldier approaches his training officer and asks him:
-Sir, I have a question. What do I do if I step on a landmine?
-Well, son, the standard procedure in this case would be to rise about 20 feet into the air and then spread around a large territory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3buoy5/landmine/
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Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bujbr/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_when_they_die/
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I saw my first porn yesterday

I was so young back then....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3buibp/i_saw_my_first_porn_yesterday/
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my wife says she's leaving me for being to arrogant.

I said don't slam the door on your way back in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3buccz/my_wife_says_shes_leaving_me_for_being_to_arrogant/
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A Captain's Ship was Under Attack.

The first hand, yelled towards the captain, "Sir we see an enemy ship headed our way!"
The captain responded, "Get me my red shirt!"
Bewildered as to such a strange request the firsthand asked why, and the captain responded,
"well you see its actually very clever, in battle if I get hurt the red shirt will mask the blood and encourage the crew to keep fighting "
The firsthand ecstatic replied, "Ahh very clever sir, but we see an additional 10 ships aiming at us"
The captain shocked,
"Mate,
Get me my brown trousers"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bucch/a_captains_ship_was_under_attack/
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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bubgj/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
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How did Jesus get those sexy messiah abs?

He did crossfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bub2b/how_did_jesus_get_those_sexy_messiah_abs/
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Helen Keller walks into a bar

And a table, and a chair, and a bed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3buac9/helen_keller_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife says I'm too nosy.

At least that's what she said in her diary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bu8i5/my_wife_says_im_too_nosy/
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Mom, is this skirt too short?

Yes. Your balls are showing, Robert.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bu731/mom_is_this_skirt_too_short/
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A North-Korean officer pulls out a megaphone at the North and South Korean border and yells "Kim Jong-Un is an idiot!" and gets sent to 31 years in a labor camp.

1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and 30 years for revealing a state secret.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bu4kz/a_northkorean_officer_pulls_out_a_megaphone_at/
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whats the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead babies?

my dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bu2vs/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_walking_through_a/
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I like to think I'm pretty smart.

I just managed to get a 90 on my iq test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bu2mc/i_like_to_think_im_pretty_smart/
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A Brit visits America

and as part of his tour, he is shown the vast corn fields of Iowa stretching away to the horizon and beyond.
"My word," he says, "What on earth do you *do* with it all?"
The farmer grins and replies, "We eat what we can and what we can't, we can."
The Brit is somewhat puzzled, but after the farmer explains, he laughs uproariously. "Well done, sir, well done!"
When he returns to the UK, a friend asks him what Americans are like. "Oh, they have a jolly good sense of humour. When I asked a farmer what he does with all of his maize, do you know what he said?"
"We consume what we are able, and what we are not, we tin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bu0gu/a_brit_visits_america/
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A blond, a brunette, and a red-head are all caught by ISIS and are being prepared to be executed by a firing squad.

The red-hed was up first. Right before she was going to be executed she yelled, "TORNADO!" All of the ISIS members took cover and she escaped. The brunette was the next in line. He followed in the red-head's footprints and this time screamed "SANDSTORM!" The gullible ISIS members again ducked for cover while he escaped. The blonde thought to herself, "This is going to be easy. These people are idiots." The blonde stood with a smug look on the shooting block while the ISIS leader roared, "Ready...Aim...." The blonde yelled, "FIRE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3btwur/a_blond_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all_caught/
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So my First ever joke on reddit, it starts with an immigrant to the United states.

An Italian immigrant to the US, just arrived to Ellis Island. Lucky for him is Uncle is a citizen and could sponsor his entry.  His Uncle also owned a fruit cart business in New York City.  The young Italian knew no english when he arrived, so his Uncle taught him three phrases to aid him in selling fruit. The went like so:
1) Two for a nickle
2) Some are some ain't
3) If you don't, someone else will
Things were going good for the young Italian, most of his encounters with potential customers goes like so:
Customer:  How much are they?
Immigrant:  Two for a nickle.
Customer:  Are they any good?
Immigrant:  Some are some ain't.
Customer:  I don't think I am going to buy any!
Immigrant:  If you don't someone else will
Things go good for our Italian immigrant friend.  He makes some money and his Uncle gets paid as well, so everyone is happy, well off, and everyone is well.
Another day dawns, the Italian Immigrant is pushing his cart, and a NYPD officer approaches.
Officer:  What are you doing?
Immigrant:  Two for a nickle
Officer:  What are you some kind of wise guy?
Immigrant:  Some are some ain't.
Officer:  How about I hit you over the head with my billy club!?
Immigrant:  If you don't someone else will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3btwha/so_my_first_ever_joke_on_reddit_it_starts_with_an/
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A man walks up to an older woman

and asks her
"Excuse me miss, if I were to give you a million dollars would you have sex with me?"
The woman takes a moment to think about it and stares at the man, before smiling and finally deciding to say
"I'll do it!"
The man says
"Great! Now, would you do it for a dollar?"
And the woman immediately looks disgusted and responds with
"Of course not! What sort of woman do you take me for?"
And the man says
"We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just discussing price!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3btwdg/a_man_walks_up_to_an_older_woman/
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Have you heard about the new drink, the hurricane Sandy?

It's a watered down Manhattan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3btt7f/have_you_heard_about_the_new_drink_the_hurricane/
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I met a girl with 12 nipples today...

..sounds fun, dozen tit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3btsal/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples_today/
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Little Johnny was at school one day...

Little Johnny was at school and the teacher was asking all the children to use different words in sentences.
She asked who can use the word fascinate in a sentence.
Roger raises his hand and says "the sky is fascinating.
Good try roger, but I am asking for you to use the word fascinate in a sentence.
Missy raises her hand and says "I am fascinated with this class.
The teacher says "Close Missy, but I asked you to use the word fascinate in a sentence.
Then little Johnny is raising his hand and the teacher calls on him.
Little Johnny: My sister got a new blouse this weekend with 10 buttons but her tits are so big she could only fascinate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3btolx/little_johnny_was_at_school_one_day/
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New Job.......

Barry is seated at a small table in a warmly lit coffee shop sipping coffee.
Barry’s friend Felix enters looking somewhat dubious. (Felix bares a remarkable resemblance to Woody Allen.) He spots Barry and joins him at the table.
BARRY: Did you find a job?
FELIX: Yeah. I got a job at a strip club helping the girls backstage to dress and undress.
BARRY: How much?
FELIX: Two hundred bucks a week.
BARRY: That’s not much.
FELIX: It’s all I could afford.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bto3h/new_job/
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It's show and tell day...

In kindergarten class, and its Johnny's turn. He goes up to the board and puts a dot.
"What's that, Johnny?" The teacher asks.
"It's a period," replies Johnny.
"What's so special about a period Johnny?" she asks.
"I have no idea, but my sister missed one, so my dad starting yelling, mom started crying, and the guy next door shot himself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3btmyv/its_show_and_tell_day/
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I have the Heart of a Lion....

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3btmuy/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
Why didn't the bear go to college?

Because bears don't go to college.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3btiwt/why_didnt_the_bear_go_to_college/
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I have a temperature of -273.15°C

Don't worry. I'm 0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3btfb9/i_have_a_temperature_of_27315c/
%
A man's car breaks down out in the country...

The nearest sign of life is a farm that he broke down in front of. So he goes and knocks on the door and the farmer answers, the man explaining his situation. The farmer offers to help. After the farmer walks around his car a minute, he says "tell you what. I don't have jumper cables. I'm gonna hook your car up to the back of my pickup truck. Then I'll use your car like a trailer. Maybe since your wheels will be spinning the car will start on its own. When your car starts, honk the horn and we will pull over and unhook ya." The man agrees, and they start off down the road. The farmer drives for a bit, until he turns onto a state highway. He notices the man's car still hasn't started, so he punches it and goes flying down the road at 100mph. The man's car starts and he starts honking the horn, but the farmer can't hear him over the trucks engine. He lays on the horn, hoping to be heard. A cop is clocking speeders when they fly by.  He immediately calls the police chief and says "I quit." "Why??" says the chief. "Well I just clocked a pickup truck doing 100mph." "That's nothing new," says the chief. "What's the problem?" "Well chief, there was a car behind him honking to pass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bt6c0/a_mans_car_breaks_down_out_in_the_country/
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Why don't Canadians wear tank tops?

They don't have the right to bare arms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bt5ei/why_dont_canadians_wear_tank_tops/
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Sexual equality in the workplace

I'm all for sexual equality. That's why I allow my female staff to work longer so they can earn the same as the men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bt4ar/sexual_equality_in_the_workplace/
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My dick was in the Guinness Book of Records!

...but then I got kicked out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bt0so/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_records/
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What do you call a medical student that graduated at the bottom of his class with a 2.0 GPA?

A doctor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bt00k/what_do_you_call_a_medical_student_that_graduated/
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What does Bill Clinton tell Hillary after sex?

I'll be home in 45 min.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bszwn/what_does_bill_clinton_tell_hillary_after_sex/
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An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.

His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bstei/an_avid_duck_hunter_was_in_the_market_for_a_new/
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My favorite medical joke

A lady in her 50s goes to see a plastic surgeon.
"Doctor, I'd like to do something about these wrinkles on my face, but I live out in the country and I don't want to have to keep coming back to see you often."
He says, "Sure, well we have this new device called 'The Knob.' Basically we just install this little knob at the back of your head and if you ever feel like you need a little tightening, you just give it a quarter turn."
She thinks this sounds fantastic, has the procedure and goes on her way.
20 years later she comes back to the same doctor.
"Doctor, this thing has been great but lately I've been noticing these bags under my eyes."
"Well yes," he says, "that is a side effect we weren't expecting. Those aren't just bags under your eyes, those are your breasts."
"Oh," she replies. "I guess that explains the goatee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bsrzb/my_favorite_medical_joke/
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Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames

and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bsqh2/our_boss_just_banned_overly_specific_nicknames/
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I painted my computer black hoping it would run faster

now it just doesn't work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bsoze/i_painted_my_computer_black_hoping_it_would_run/
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A married couple were fighting...

...when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bsgsh/a_married_couple_were_fighting/
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I counted the times I was right in arguments with my girlfriend. I was right 1450 times and she was right 675 times.

She said it was very childish of me to count that. She was right about that, but that still leaves her at 676.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bs855/i_counted_the_times_i_was_right_in_arguments_with/
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How many dancers does it take to change a light bulb?

Five… six… seven… eight!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bs7js/how_many_dancers_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Two psychics pass each other in the street..

One says to the other: "You're doing fine.  How am I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bs4e0/two_psychics_pass_each_other_in_the_street/
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What is Bob Marley's Favorite Typeface?

Sans Sheriff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bs22k/what_is_bob_marleys_favorite_typeface/
%
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea... As he sat facing her old  Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease..  Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bs08b/miss_beatrice_the_church_organist_was_in_her/
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What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bryft/what_starts_with_f_and_ends_with_k/
%
There was a baby boy born at the hospital without eyelids.

So the doctors circumcised him and used his foreskin as eyelids. He's doing fine, he is just a little cockeyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3brrn4/there_was_a_baby_boy_born_at_the_hospital_without/
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I have my own private jet

But my mum owns the rest of the jacuzzi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3brprp/i_have_my_own_private_jet/
%
The Three Kingdoms

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms.
All three of them border a lake. Within the center of this lake is a grand, bountiful island, and the kingdoms have fought over the rights to the island for decades. They decide now to settle the score. They each send out knights and squires to duke it out and see who might lay claim to the island.
The first kingdom is very wealthy, and can send out 20 knights and 3 squires. On the first night, the first kingdom celebrated what they thought to be their impending victory - they polished armor, sharpened weapons, ate, and drank in great volumes, even jousting while inebriated.
The second kingdom was not so rich and fortunate as the first one, and could send only 10 knights and 2 squires. On that night, they polished armor, prepared and ate food, and sharpened their swords, but out of nervousness they did not celebrate - only drink.
The third kingdom was very poor, and could only send out 1 elderly knight and his squire. The squire noosed a rope and used it to hang a pot over a fire to boil broth. The knight sharpened his own sword and polished his own armor, and slept.
On the day of the battle, the first kingdom's knights were half mortally wounded, and half so drunk they couldn't stand. The second kingdom's knights were *all* so drunk they couldn't stand. The third kingdom's lone knight was left- Oh, wait, no, he's asleep. He was so old that he slept too deeply to be woken by others.
Thus, they hold the fight between the squires. They don their knights' armories, and head forth to battle. Come the end, you could see only dust and rubble - as the cloud faded, standing in the fallen stumps of trees and the bodies of his enemies, the squire of the third kingdom stood. He was beaten, bruised, and bloodied, but he had won.
This only goes to prove that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the squires of the other two sides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3brkpf/the_three_kingdoms/
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Calling in sick

Hung Chow calls the office: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says: "You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3brkhf/calling_in_sick/
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This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator...

This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator. It's oppressive, you can't get away from it, and I'm pretty sure we can blame the U.S. for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3brjac/this_heat_is_like_a_middle_eastern_dictator/
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Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward . The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth f loor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3brj5m/husband_store/
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Did you hear about the guy that lost his left side in an accident?

He's all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3brbtr/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_lost_his_left/
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My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3brb9q/my_wife_told_me_i_was_immature_and_needed_to_grow/
%
A guy walks into a bar with a box...

He sits down and starts ordering several drinks.
"What's in the box?" Asks the bartender
"Ugh, just get me another drink...? Grumbles the man.
Bartender says "show me what's in the box and the next ones on the house."
The man nods places the box on the bar and takes out a small piano and a man about a foot tall comes out and starts playing the most beautiful music he has ever heard.
"where the hell did you get that?" Asks the bartender.
The man replies "There is a genie out side granting wishes but..."
Before he can finish the bartender runs out side and sees the genie, and yells "I wish for a million bucks!"
After a puff of smoke there are a million ducks walking around quaking.
The bartender runs back inside and yells at the guy
"Hey you didn't tell me the genie was hard of hearing!"
The guy turns around slowly and says with a smirk, "Did you think I really wished for a 12 inch pianist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bra9b/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_box/
%
Where did Sally go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3br822/where_did_sally_go_during_the_bombing/
%
Little Johnny

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3br5vg/little_johnny/
%
The guy who fell off the ferris wheel is at the hospital..

He's in fair condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3br59k/the_guy_who_fell_off_the_ferris_wheel_is_at_the/
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Old age...

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"
Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3br1yd/old_age/
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They say no two people can see a color the exact same way so does that mean color is like

A Pigment of your imagination

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3br0hb/they_say_no_two_people_can_see_a_color_the_exact/
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Who is this rorschach guy.....

and why does he paint all these pictures of my parents fighting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bqwcz/who_is_this_rorschach_guy/
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[NSFW] A woman goes to a doctor

W: Lately I have developed this problem of wetting my bed while sleeping.
Dr: Go behind the curtains, take off your clothes and do a headstand in front of the mirror.
The woman obliges. The doctor comes in, parts her legs and keeps his chin on top of her vagina.
W: So Doc, what's the problem with me?
Dr: You should stop drinking before going to bed, that's all.
W: Then why the hell did you make me do that?
Dr: Oh, I just wanted to see how'd I look with a beard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bqtao/nsfw_a_woman_goes_to_a_doctor/
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The honey bee

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bqsn7/the_honey_bee/
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What do you call it when a stripper works for free?

Pro boner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bqqmi/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_stripper_works_for_free/
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What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot you racist bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bqqae/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_flying_a_plane/
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A drunk man goes to the hospital after inserting 6 toy horses up his bum....

the doctor described his situation as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bqmnm/a_drunk_man_goes_to_the_hospital_after_inserting/
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The youth of today

A little old man is sitting on a park bench one hot, summer afternoon when a young lad (around 15 years old) walks up and sits down to the old man.  The young lad then opened a can of lager and lit up a cigerette, the old man was clearly disgusted with this and said "That stuff will kill you, you've got the rest of your life in front of you, don't waste time destroying your body with that rubbish" the young lad responded "My grandfather lived until he was 112 years old" "Did he smoke and drink from such a young age?" and without missing a beat the lad replied "No, but he knew how to mind his own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bqkc6/the_youth_of_today/
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Do you know why the European stock markets are sliding down?

Greece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bqi5i/do_you_know_why_the_european_stock_markets_are/
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My heart sank when I received the text message "I am breaking up with you. It's over between us" from my partner.

But "Sorry, wrong number baby" came afterwards. Whew, what a relief!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bqh7k/my_heart_sank_when_i_received_the_text_message_i/
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Finally proves all blondes aren't dumb

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. Then hollers... "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bqfjk/finally_proves_all_blondes_arent_dumb/
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What did the Circle say to the Square on the bus?

"Oh no! I've got on the Rhombus!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bqfdc/what_did_the_circle_say_to_the_square_on_the_bus/
%
What did the indian boy say to his mom before he left?

Mumbai

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bqezk/what_did_the_indian_boy_say_to_his_mom_before_he/
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Theory And Reality

Boy comes home from school. Dad asks what he learned today, and the boy says they had a lesson about the difference between theory, and reality, but he didn't really get it. Dad thinks for a bit, and says "Go ask Mom, and your sister if they would have sex with a stranger for a million dollars." So the boy finds Mom washing dishes, tugs on her pants, and asks "Mom, would you have sex with a stranger for a million dollars?" Mom stops washing, thinks for a bit, and replies "Yes, I think I would. We could pay off the house. Pay off the car. Put you and your sister through college. I believe that I would. The boy finds his teenage sister in her room, asks her the same question, and gets the same response for the same reasons. As he approaches Dad, Dad asks what the ladies of the house said. The boy replies that they both said yes, and lists all the reasons for Dad. Then the boy asks "What does that have to do with theory and reality?"
"Well, son, in theory we're millionaires! In reality, we live with a couple of whores."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bq8g0/theory_and_reality/
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20 blondes are standing outside a bar. On the other side of the street another blond is walking by;

"Hey, come over here. You have to be 21 to enter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bq88y/20_blondes_are_standing_outside_a_bar_on_the/
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Why married guys are fat

A single guy opens the fridge, sees nothing interesting there; he goes to bed.
A married guy goes in the bedroom, sees nothing interesting there; he goes to the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bq82r/why_married_guys_are_fat/
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What do police and my laundry detergent not have in common?

One protects all colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bq668/what_do_police_and_my_laundry_detergent_not_have/
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The Twins

Ever heard of the twin boys seperated at birth?  One was raised Spain and named Juan, the other in Egypt and named Amal.
They say, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bq1yh/the_twins/
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What do you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bq0g1/what_do_you_do_if_youre_attacked_by_a_group_of/
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What did the insurance company say to the applicant?

THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bpz7u/what_did_the_insurance_company_say_to_the/
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I have a Step-Ladder...

I never knew my real ladder tho. :\

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bpwwb/i_have_a_stepladder/
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lawyers....

Q: What happens to a lawyer when you give them viagra?
A: They grow taller.
Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: Once you die a vampire stops sucking your blood.
Q: Why do lawyers wear ties?
A: To stop their foreskin creeping up under their necks.
Q: whats the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can drag a case out for years, a good lawyer can make it even longer.
Q: why are lawyers like sperm?
A: 1 in every 80 million turns into a human being
And lastly..
A catholic priest and a lawyer walk past a playground where some kids are playing. The priest says "hey, lets screw those kids". The lawyer replies "out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bpw17/lawyers/
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You know, not all Italians are in the mafia.

Some are in the Witness Protection Program.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bprdr/you_know_not_all_italians_are_in_the_mafia/
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My doctor recently told me that I had to stop masturbating.

When I asked him why he said "Because I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bpq5a/my_doctor_recently_told_me_that_i_had_to_stop/
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Turner Brown

A skinny little white guy gets off work and walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? "
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "oh thank God,  I thought you said turn around."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bpozo/turner_brown/
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What do you call an anorexic with thrush?

A quarter pounder with cheese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bpl3t/what_do_you_call_an_anorexic_with_thrush/
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Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a bakery...

To buy a cake for their upcoming wedding. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage that he won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."
(posted before but I felt it was an appropriate time for it to rerun.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bpkqe/two_lesbians_named_rachel_walk_in_to_a_bakery/
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TIL where the first French fry was made.

In grease.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bpin8/til_where_the_first_french_fry_was_made/
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What did the brain dead guy have for breakfast?

Comatoast!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bpfru/what_did_the_brain_dead_guy_have_for_breakfast/
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A tough guy walks into a bar

...and is about to order a drink when he sees a man close by with a deep v-neck and colorful skinny jeans.  By the way he talked and moved it was apparent this man was a homosexual.  And the tough guy doesn't like homosexuals.  So he shouts loudly to the bartender: "Drinks for everyone in the house... except for that fag."
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the gay fellow gives the tough guy a wave and says loudly, "Thank you!"
What's going on?  The tough guy is infuriated.  Once again, he loudly orders drinks for the house... but not for that gay guy.
As before, the gay fellow continues to smile and say, "Thank you!"
The tough guy says to the bartender, "What the hell is wrong with that homo?  I've ordered two rounds for everyone but him, and all he does is smile and thank me.  What's with him?  Is he nuts?"
"No," says the bartender.  "He owns the place."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bpelz/a_tough_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Once upon a time there was a princess.

This princess could never get her father, the king, to approve of any man she brought home. She brought home a baker, a farmer, a lord, even a few knights, but no matter their social standing, wealth, or intelligence, her father would not approve. Exasperated with trying and failing to find a prince, the princess said to her father, "If no man I can bring home will satisfy you, then find a man for me!" The king was delighted! This was all he had ever wanted. And so, the king issued a royal decree:
"To all eligible bachelors of the realm: I invite you to the castle on the first day of the next month in a challenge to fight for my daughter, the princess. The champion shall be granted the opportunity to court her, and if she so decides, marry her."
Lo and behold, at the first of the month, thousands of men were lined up at the castle gates. The king invites the men into his gymnasium, where they see the largest swimming pool they have ever witnessed. The king instructs the men to line up on the edge of the pool. "Men, the first of you to cross this vast pool and climb out on my side shall be the champion and will be allowed to court my daughter." Instantly, all the men inch closer to the edge, ready to dive in and swim faster than they ever have before. "But wait," says the king, motioning to his servants. The servants then dump hundreds of sharks, piranhas, snapping turtles, and jelly fish into the pool. As if on cue, every single man takes two steps back. No man would ever dare brave these waters, which is exactly the king's intentions. No man is good enough for his daughter. A smug grin begins to spread across the king's face, when a loud splash breaks the silence. Everyone in the room gasps immediately as a single man swims frantically across the pool. The king had never seen anyone move with such speed!
When the man finally crosses to the king's side of the pool, he climbs out, bloody and with large bite marks covering his body. The king is struck with disbelief, "My boy, what you have just done is the bravest thing I have ever seen. Not only will I allow you to court my daughter, but I will grant you one wish, so long as it is within my power."
Bent over from exhaustion, the man pants, "Thank you, your majesty. I know what I would like."
"Are you sure? You've just had a very traumatic experience! You should rest for a few days, think about it, and then come back to me and I will make it so."
The man insists, "No, sir, I know exactly what I want."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am very sure."
"Well, then what do you want?"
"The name of the asshole that pushed me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bpefz/once_upon_a_time_there_was_a_princess/
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Best Bar Joke Ever?

A guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender,  "I want to make a bet with you," the guy says.  The bartender says "ok watcha got?"  " I bet you $500 that I can bite my right eye."  Bartender looks at the man all crazy but agrees to the bet.  The guy then takes out his dentures and bites his right eye with it.  The bartender is pissed but pays the guy anyways.  The guy takes a few shots and then walks back over to the bartender.  "I want to make another bet,"  he says.  "I bet you another $500 that I can lick my left eye." The bartender can't even think of a way he can get screwed this time so he agrees to the bet.  The guy then takes out his left glass eye and licks it.  The bartender is furious but once again he pays the man.  The guy takes a few more shots and then stumbles back up to the bartender.  "I wanna make one last bet. I don't even think I can do this but I bet you  $1500 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and then stand on the other end and piss and make every last drop into that shot glass." the bartender looks at the man suspiciously but decides to take the bet thinking that it's impossible.  So the guy puts the shot glass on one end and gets up on the other end of the bar. He unzips and pisses all over the bar.  The piss didn't even make it anywhere near the shot glass.  So the guy stumbles down and pays the bartender his money. The bartender is so happy that he just made his money back plus some that he starts smiling and grabs a towel and starts cleaning the piss off the bar.  The drunk guy then just bursts out in a fit of laughter.  The bartender looks at him confused.  "why are you laughing you just lost all your money."  The guy looks at the bartender and says, " see that guy in the corner over there?  I bet that guy $6000 that I can stand on your bar and piss all over it and have you clean it up with a smile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bpd5u/best_bar_joke_ever/
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why were the rappers late for their flight?

they forgot tupac

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bp8z0/why_were_the_rappers_late_for_their_flight/
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What's the capital of Greece?

About 15 cents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bp7zv/whats_the_capital_of_greece/
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I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane.

Until he hit the ground.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bp7dm/i_know_a_guy_who_survived_an_8000foot_fall_out_of/
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Do you know why police dogs are called K9?

Well, because if they used "K10", they'd be cats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bp76p/do_you_know_why_police_dogs_are_called_k9/
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LPT: If you're trying to get over a crush just imagine them taking the wettest dump ever.

Unless, of course, you're into that kind of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bp6l1/lpt_if_youre_trying_to_get_over_a_crush_just/
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For The Watch

Lost my watch at a party once. After a few hours i walked into the bathroom and saw some guy stepping on my watch while sexually harassing a girl. I punched the guy straight in the nose, no one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
-Putindoge
(P.s he probably stole the joke from someone else)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bp6fo/for_the_watch/
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Geoff

You know Geoff, right? Everyone knows Geoff.
There was this one night, when Geoff was out at this bar. He taps another guy, named Nick, on the shoulder, and asks, "Hey. Do you know who I am?"
Nick responds, "No, of course I don't." To that, Geoff says, "I'm Geoff, everyone knows me." He then turns to address the rest of the people in the building, and asks, "Everyone! Do you know who I am?" To this, the whole bar responds, "Geoff! Yay, Geoff!"
Nick, rather surprised, but not overtly so, says, "Sure, they know you in this bar, but I bet they don't know you in a bar across town."
So, they drive 10 minutes across the town to another bar. Geoff asks, "Hey everyone! Do you know who I am?" To this, the whole bar responds, "Geoff! Yay, Geoff!"
Now slightly shaken, Nick says, "I bet the mayor doesn't know you." In response to this, Geoff drives him down to the mayor's office. The mayor comes out, warmly greeting Geoff - "Oh, Geoff, how have you been?" The mayor then gestured them into his office. After a personal talk that lasted a couple hours, all of them left, but Nick wasn't done yet - "I bet the Governor doesn't know you."
Thus, they drive a couple of hours to the governor's mansion. A man greets them at the door, immediately recognizing Geoff - "Ah, Geoff, right this way. The governor was just asking about you." They walked in, and then walked into his office, and had a long talk before leaving.
"I bet the President doesn't know you," Nick continued. Thus, they drove several hours down to visit the White House. They were ushered in by the guards, who all immediately recognized Geoff, and met with the President.
"Okay, so you know the mayor, the governor, and the President of the United States of America. However, I bet you don't know the Pope."
Thus, their journey continues as they take a plane to Rome and pay a visit to St. Peter's Basilica, and Geoff said, "Wait here. Not everyone can have an audience with the Pope, so I will walk with him out onto the balcony." Thus, Geoff goes in, and Nick waits as he is told.
A few minutes later, Geoff, who had been talking with the pope, steps out onto the balcony and witnesses Nick fainting. He rushes downstairs, and to his relief, Nick woke up on short order. Geoff asks, "What happened?"
Nick responds, "I overheard some of the nuns asking, 'Who is the guy with Geoff?'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bp5ms/geoff/
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What elements make up life?

Lithium and Iron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bp1k4/what_elements_make_up_life/
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password

During a recent password audit, an employee was found using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why he had such a long password, they employee said he was told that it had to be at least 8
characters long and include one capital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bp1eb/password/
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My black friend asked me...

My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3boy3k/my_black_friend_asked_me/
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Chris Christie just entered the race!

He's gonna shut down Trump like the George Washington Bridge :-D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bovhh/chris_christie_just_entered_the_race/
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So, If ISIS was to attack turkey from the rear ...

would greece help?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bouzz/so_if_isis_was_to_attack_turkey_from_the_rear/
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Old Soviet Jew joke

A Jew is walking down a street when, suddenly, a brick flies from the roof of a nearby building and hits him on the head, instantly killing the poor guy.
A passerby sees this and swears, "Fuck, so many goddamn Jews around these days, there isn't even a spot left for a brick to land!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3borqw/old_soviet_jew_joke/
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A little boy asks his father ...

...
Boy: Dad what is 69
the dad confused takes a minute, thinks about it and responds
Dad: Son 69 is a position people take during sex. It's actually quite common and I'm sure at some point in your life you will encounter it as well
Son: So what should I write that 69 is even or odd

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3booxg/a_little_boy_asks_his_father/
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I just read a list of 100 things to do before you die...

Surprisingly enough, yell for help wasn't anywhere on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bomnz/i_just_read_a_list_of_100_things_to_do_before_you/
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What’s Darth Vader’s corrupt brother’s name?

Taxi Vader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bodfh/whats_darth_vaders_corrupt_brothers_name/
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You can't run through a campsite...

You can only ran, because its past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bobl5/you_cant_run_through_a_campsite/
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Bjerg is so fly

That he's søren

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3boab9/bjerg_is_so_fly/
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Little Polar Bear

A little polar bear goes to his father and says, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?" Dad replies, "I don't know son, go ask your mother." So the little polar bear finds his mom and asks, "Am I 100% polar bear?" Mom thinks about it for a while and says, "Well, I'm a polar bear and your father is a polar bear.  All your grandparents, aunts and uncles are polar bears.  I'd say it's a safe bet you are 100% polar bear.  Why do you ask?" To which the little polar bear shouts, "Because I'm fucking freezing!"
This joke is best told when both the teller and the listener are very cold..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bo7l1/little_polar_bear/
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What do Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini and Ayn Rand have in common?

They are all dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bo53n/what_do_hitler_stalin_mussolini_and_ayn_rand_have/
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I used to be a hypochondriac...

But I got sick of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bo2sw/i_used_to_be_a_hypochondriac/
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The VA Doctors don't appreciate the nurses there. (Overheard this great joke while visiting Grandpa)

What is the difference between a VA nurse and a bullet?
* A bullet can draw blood
* A bullet can be fired
* A bullet can only kill one person

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bo29h/the_va_doctors_dont_appreciate_the_nurses_there/
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The Oldest Profession

A lawyer, engineer and physician are debating the oldest profession over drinks.
“Medicine is the oldest," declared the doctor, "because in Genesis God surgically removed Adam's rib to create Eve."
"That's true," agreed the Engineer sitting down her beer, "but even earlier God created the universe out if chaos, and that's engineering."
"And who" asked the lawyer, casually knocking over the engineers drink, "do you think created all the chaos?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bnxcm/the_oldest_profession/
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In honor of America's upcoming Independence Day, do you know why America spells "behavior", "color", and "humor" the way they do?

Because **fuck u**, that's why!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bnvkr/in_honor_of_americas_upcoming_independence_day_do/
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A homeless man...

A homeless man was walking down the street. His shoes were so worn out that the soles would flop around when he walked. One day, he was walking down the street when a man in a brand new Maserati and an expensive Italian suit pulled over by him. The man asked for the homeless man to come to him. He pulled out a think wad of $100 bills, and held it out to the homeless man. The homeless man was shocked. The man pulled off the rubber band from the wad, and handed the band to the homeless man and said "Y'know, you could use this to keep your shoes from flopping around everywhere like that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bntzc/a_homeless_man/
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My doctor told me I really needed to stop masturbating.

I was pretty baffled. "I didn't know it was unhealthy! What's it going to hurt?"
He seemed a little stunned that I was stunned. "Look it's not that it's unhealthy; it's that I'm trying to examine you right now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bntku/my_doctor_told_me_i_really_needed_to_stop/
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Why did OP get fired from his job as a mailman?

He never delivered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bnsu4/why_did_op_get_fired_from_his_job_as_a_mailman/
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TIL The U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.

At least we're in the top 10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bnr8f/til_the_us_is_18_in_mathematics_worldwide/
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So Hitler gets sent to hell after he dies

The Devil sees that Hitler has arrived and starts to get excited
Devil: "Wow Hitler I am literally your biggest fan! Watch this, watch this."
The Devil snaps his fingers and a giant frying pan appears. He snaps his fingers again and 50 Jews fall from the sky and burn up in the pan.
Hitler: "Wow that's amazing!"
Devil: "Watch again, watch again!"
He snaps his fingers again and 50 more jews fall from the sky and burn up in the pan
Hitler not being able to hold it in any longer snaps his fingers excitedly but only a single mexican falls from the sky and burns up in the pan.
Hitler: "What the hell man, I wanted to burn jews not a mexican"
Devil: "O I forgot to tell you, for every 100 jews you have to grease the pan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bnqd7/so_hitler_gets_sent_to_hell_after_he_dies/
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The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer...

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
(I work at a law firm. A partner in the office sent this email around today)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bnjcs/the_salvation_army_realized_that_it_had_never/
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Why chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bniuf/why_chicken_commit_suicide/
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My Friend, Ving.

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close. His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me:
"I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever." He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with. Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along.
When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee. Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.
It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This little guy was decked out.
When Ving and his old man saw each other, they both started bawling, and embraced each other. Out of his tears, Ving said
"Dad, I love my name. I want to be Ving forever, and I'm going to name my kids Ving, and they're going to name their kids Ving, and-"
And the old man said "Dont, stop. Be Lee, Ving! Hold onto that fee, Ling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bnfo3/my_friend_ving/
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There are three ways to spread news

telegram, television and tellawoman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bn961/there_are_three_ways_to_spread_news/
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks:

'Dad, what's Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room
and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bn8bx/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks/
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I log in facebook to see that everyone is at the bar...

I go to the bar to see that everyone is on facebook.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bn7cb/i_log_in_facebook_to_see_that_everyone_is_at_the/
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The presidents of the United States, France, and Brazil are on a plane

At one point, the president of the United States sticks his hand out the window and proclaims,
"We are flying over the US."
The others ask how he knows.
"Because I just touched the Statue of Liberty."
A while later, the president of France sticks his hand out the window and says,
"We are flying over France!"
The other two ask how he knows, to which he replies,
"Because I just touched the Eiffel Tower!"
Finally, hours later, the president of Brazil sticks his hand out the window and states,
"Ah, now we are flying over Brazil."
The others ask how he knows.
"Because they just took my watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bn3yf/the_presidents_of_the_united_states_france_and/
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A priest and a Rabbi...

A priest and a Rabbi are sitting on the stoop and an 8 year old boy comes skipping by.
The priest says to the Rabbi: "Let's take that boy inside and fuck him."
The Rabbi says: "Out of what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bn348/a_priest_and_a_rabbi/
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Bad news from

the doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well.
I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast,
gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told  your friends you were dying of AIDS!
Why did you do that?"
"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bmzub/bad_news_from/
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How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bmxnd/how_do_you_get_americans_to_join_a_world_war/
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Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bmrym/newspaper_ad_rich_widow_looking_for_man_to_share/
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Two Sweethearts

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So what she did was this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed.
So what he did next was awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bmq0x/two_sweethearts/
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What does the Illuminati smell like?

New World Odor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bmpya/what_does_the_illuminati_smell_like/
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I was trying to write a boxing joke

But I couldn’t come up with a punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bmnso/i_was_trying_to_write_a_boxing_joke/
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What do you get when you cross a moose with a Mexican?

A Mexican moose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bmi6c/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_moose_with_a/
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A man walks into a zoo.

The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a* Shitzhu*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bmgx4/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo/
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If you want to setup a company and run it

Then that's your business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bmdg6/if_you_want_to_setup_a_company_and_run_it/
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What do you call Nitrogen after the sunrises?

Daytrogen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bmb1z/what_do_you_call_nitrogen_after_the_sunrises/
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A man was stopped by the police around 2am...

The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer said, "Oh really, and who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
And the man said "That would be my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bm642/a_man_was_stopped_by_the_police_around_2am/
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God hates fags

The smoke annoys him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bm348/god_hates_fags/
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What do you call a crazy judge?

Judgemental

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bm32y/what_do_you_call_a_crazy_judge/
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Chess makes us to realize our life!!!

Chess says everything
about husband and wife.
The King has to take things one step at a time,
while the Queen can do whatever she wants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bm0yo/chess_makes_us_to_realize_our_life/
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what's harder than closing your blinds?

My dick as I watch you through them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bm0ng/whats_harder_than_closing_your_blinds/
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"I've changed my mind."

"Thank God! Does it work better now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bluzv/ive_changed_my_mind/
%
It's ironic that my dentist appointment is at 2:30 tomorrow.

Because tooth hurty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3blur2/its_ironic_that_my_dentist_appointment_is_at_230/
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What did the stubborn Hindu in Pakistan say after partition?

Na-ama-ste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3blo7m/what_did_the_stubborn_hindu_in_pakistan_say_after/
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While out golfing, a woman gets stung by a bee.

She goes into the clubhouse, and says to the manager, "I think you may have a bee problem, I just got stung!". The manager replies, "Where did the bee sting you, ma'am?".  "Between hole 1 and 2" she told him.  The manager looks at her and says, "Well ma'am, I would recommend a close stance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3blm8v/while_out_golfing_a_woman_gets_stung_by_a_bee/
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Why couldn't Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he was married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3blls2/why_couldnt_ray_charles_see_his_friends/
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What's the difference between a feminist and a dishwasher?

One you open up and dump your goo inside before it quietly, and without a word, sits in your kitchen washing and drying your dishes. The other you have no need for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3blk0m/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/
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I don't like to talk about masturbation.

It's a touchy subject for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bljub/i_dont_like_to_talk_about_masturbation/
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Two guys were lost in the Sahara desert

One is David and the other is Michael
They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came up what looked like a mosque.
David says to Michael
"Let's pretend we're Muslim otherwise we will not get food, I'm going to call myself Muhammad"
Michael refuses to change his name, he says
"My name is Michael and I won't pretend to be anyone else"
The Imam (leader) of the mosque received both well and asked their names
David says "my name is Muhammad"
Michael says "My name is Michael"
Then the imam turned to his helpers and says
"Please bring food and water for Michael only"
Then he turns to David and says
"Happy Ramadan brother Muhammad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3blin6/two_guys_were_lost_in_the_sahara_desert/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl peeing?

Because the p is silent. Yes. My 9 year old cracked me up with that just now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bli58/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_peeing/
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If the Cholera Doesn't Get Ya...

Your on the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry.
You laugh and say "Terry is a girls name!"
He shoots you.
You have died of dissin Terry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3blhe8/if_the_cholera_doesnt_get_ya/
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What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Get in the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3blfy5/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_they_got_in/
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Maybe I'm too old for pillow forts.

On the one hand, I feel young enough to want to build pillow forts, but on the other hand, I'm a grown up now, with my own adult responsibilities and apartment, so I don't have access to my parents' awesome sofa cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3blfqi/maybe_im_too_old_for_pillow_forts/
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What do you call a japanese homeless guy?

Tokyo Drifter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3blcmj/what_do_you_call_a_japanese_homeless_guy/
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Need an ark?

I Noah guy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3blbwg/need_an_ark/
%
What's the capital of Greece?

About 10 dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3blbk7/whats_the_capital_of_greece/
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New Doc

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a drop-dead gorgeous young female!
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional.
I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."
I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3blald/new_doc/
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If you have two cows,

Socialism: The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor
Communism: You give them to the government and the government gives you some milk
Fascism: You keep the cows and give the milk to the government, then the government sells you some milk
New Dealism: You shoot one and milk the other, then you pour the milk down the drain
Nazism: The government shoots you and keeps the cows
Capitalism:  You sell one and buy a bull. Then put both of them in your wife's name and declare bankruptcy.
Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them
Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned
Binaryism: You have 10 cows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bl9q4/if_you_have_two_cows/
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How often do I tell jokes about the elements

...periodically

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bl4wl/how_often_do_i_tell_jokes_about_the_elements/
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Worry not confederate flag supporters! You may have lost the battle...

But you haven't lost the w-  oh right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bl42i/worry_not_confederate_flag_supporters_you_may/
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A joke I heard on a Townes Van Zandt album. I guess maybe NSFW?

Paraphrased a bit. I doubt Mr. Van Zandt would mind, and god knows who he heard it.
A cop is out walking the streets in a little town one night when he comes across a drunk man. The drunk is stumbling around the sidewalk back and forth like he's looking for something.
Cop asks
"What're you looking for buddy?"
The guy slurs
"My car, officer, they took my car!"
The cop decides to play along because it's been a slow night.
"Alright, bud, where'd you last see it?"
"Well, it was right here at the end of this key!"
The cop chuckles and says
"Why don't you go down to the station, get them to write up a report for you?"
The cop knows they'll just chuck him im the drunk tank but the drunk seems satisfied with the answer and shuffles off in the direction of the station.
The cop says
"Uhh... before you go, you better zip up your fly."
The drunk looks down, and says with a sob
"Dammit, they got my girl too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bl3bn/a_joke_i_heard_on_a_townes_van_zandt_album_i/
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Three old ladies

are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bl21i/three_old_ladies/
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Where do sick boats go to?

The dock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bl1pp/where_do_sick_boats_go_to/
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Was giving a door counselling.

We didn't get anywhere at first but he soon opened up to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bkz8e/was_giving_a_door_counselling/
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[NSFW] what do you call a Uk police woman with a shaved pussy?

Cuntstubble

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bkz0t/nsfw_what_do_you_call_a_uk_police_woman_with_a/
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My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.
Me: Who?
Wife: My butt cheeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bkxoz/my_wife_told_me_this_in_the_car_the_other_day/
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My wife came out to me after for horrible years of marriage and revealed she was a lesbian and that she wished she'd married another woman

Which finally gave us something in common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bkwb2/my_wife_came_out_to_me_after_for_horrible_years/
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I created a Harry Potter thread in ask reddit.

I wanted Sirius replies only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bkv3w/i_created_a_harry_potter_thread_in_ask_reddit/
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Why was purple jealous?

Because red blue green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bkuc0/why_was_purple_jealous/
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A man is lost in China

Jimmy is lost in the woods in the middle of the night. After hours of wandering, he stumbles across a random House. He excitedly knocks on the door and an elderly Chinese man who appeared to be at least 110 years old answers.
"I'm sorry to bother you but I am lost!" Jimmy says, " can I stay here for the night? "
The Chinese man says, " of course you can! On one condition, you cannot sleep with my daughter. If you do, you will suffer the 3 Chinese tortures"
Jimmy thinks this girl must be old and decrepit if he's this old so he agrees.
At dinner, the Chinese man's daughter comes down and she is this beautiful, athletic young girl. She appeared to be close to his age and he was ecstatic. Throughout the meal she is gave him a seductive look and touched his leg under the table.
After dinner Jimmy goes to bed. He could not contain himself, he tried so hard not to go to her room. He finally caved and went into her room and they made passionate love all night. In the early morning, Jimmy went back to his room, exhausted but satisfied.
When Jimmy woke in the morning he had a boulder on his chest. He noticed a sign on the ceiling that said, Chinese torture number one: boulder on chest.
Jimmy thought, "Ha! Gonna have to do better than that!" And throws the boulder out the window.
Then jimmy notices a sign on the window that says, Chinese torture number 2: right testicle tied to boulder.
To avoid castration, Jimmy jumps out the window.
As Jimmy is plummeting from the second story he sees a sign on the lawn that says, Chinese torture number three: left testicle tied to bedpost.
TL:DR: don't sleep with the Chinese man's daughter, you'll lose your left nut

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bksj5/a_man_is_lost_in_china/
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Cereal Anyone?

Two young brothers are talking.  The older brother says, "You know what younger brother?  I'm tired of being treated like a kid, so I'm going to take up swearing.  The first thing tomorrow I'm going to say 'hell'."
The younger brother always goes along with his older sibling and does not like to be outdone so says, "Yeah!  Me too.  And I'm going to say 'ass'."
So first thing in the morning Mamma asks older brother, "what kind of cereal would you like?"  Older brother thinks for a second and waves her off say saying, "ah...hell I'll just have some Cheerios,"  Mamma hauls back and smacks older brother a good one across the head and sends the kid flying end over end!
Mamma then turns to little brother and says "what kind of cereal would you like?"  Well; little brother was still staring wide eyed at his older sibling sprawled out on the floor and looks back at Mama and says, "You can bet your ass it's not Cheerios that's for sure!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bkpbc/cereal_anyone/
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bkocz/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his land

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Macbook Air, tethers it to his Galaxy S3 and uses its built-in GPS function to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to a NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Android that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Macbook Air, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he simply opens the spreadsheet on his laptop, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bkngv/a_cowboy_named_bud_was_overseeing_his_land/
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That's one.

As a child my grandfather would tell me story of his great great grandfather's Ignacio crossing the desert in Mexico. He and his wife rode in a covered wagon pulled by donkeys. A few hours into the journey one of the donkeys tripped, and he said, "That's one." Few hours go by and the donkey trips again, and he says, "That's two." Hours go by and again the donkey trips. Ignacio says "That's three." He pulls out his gun, shoots, and kills the donkey.
At this point his wife starts yelling, " What were you thinking! We don't have many donkeys! Why would you shoot him!" Ignacio replied, "That's one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bkgau/thats_one/
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Finally had a baby

A woman longed to have a baby, and finally at age 65 had one, thanks to modern medicine.  Her friends all came to visit, excited to see the new baby, but she said "You can't see it till cries."  They were puzzled, but they sat and chatted a while, and then asked again.  Again she said, "You can't see it till it cries."  Now they were really confused, but they stayed a bit longer.  As they were preparing to leave, they asked one last time, and again the answer was, "You can't see it till it cries."  "Well, why is that?"  "Because I don't remember where I put it down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bkg0d/finally_had_a_baby/
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.
My 8 y/o daughter told me this joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bkc3h/why_do_fish_live_in_salt_water/
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Little boy and his Grandfather

Little boy sitting on his grandfather’s lap and his grandfather’s smoking a cigar.  He says grandfather can I have a puff of your cigar. Grandfather asks, does your dick touch your asshole?  Little boy says no. Grandfather says no you can’t have a puff of my cigar.    A few days later the little boys on his lap again and grandpa’s drinking a beer.  Little boy asks grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?  Grandfather asks, does your dick touch your ass hole?  Little boy says no.  Grandpa says no you cannot have a sip of my beer.   About 3 days later the little boy is our on the front porch with a plate of cookies and grandpa comes out sans says,  oooOOOO can I have one of your cookies?    He looked at his grandfather and said, does your dick touch your ass hole?  Grandfather says yes.    Well so fuck yourself, grandmother made these for me!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bkb3r/little_boy_and_his_grandfather/
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My doctor encouraged me to masturbate more often

Well, he actually said I could have a stroke any time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bk7k9/my_doctor_encouraged_me_to_masturbate_more_often/
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I went to the doctor's office the other day

and found out my new doctor is a drop-dead gorgeous young female!
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional.
I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."
I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bjzu0/i_went_to_the_doctors_office_the_other_day/
%
Just got my drivers license and I'm already getting compliments!

Someone left a note on my car which said "Parking fine!" I was so happy :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bjy0s/just_got_my_drivers_license_and_im_already/
%
How do you confuse a feminist?

Tell her you refuse to allow her to make you a sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bjxkc/how_do_you_confuse_a_feminist/
%
Do you know how to make 5 lbs of fat look good?.

Put a nipple on it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bjun8/do_you_know_how_to_make_5_lbs_of_fat_look_good/
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Proof that Men Have Better Friends

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bjuhx/proof_that_men_have_better_friends/
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The Defence

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."
"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bju0m/the_defence/
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There are three religious truths:

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bjq28/there_are_three_religious_truths/
%
3 men and a woman survive a plane crash...

... and get stranded on a lonley island. They find plenty to eat, but the question who can have sex with the woman has to be clarified. One proposes that everyone gets her on another day. The woman agrees and everything is going good for months. But then the woman gets sick and dies.
The first week was ok,
the second was hard,
the third was bad,
the fourth was almost unbearable....
And in the 5th week they buried her...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bjh0r/3_men_and_a_woman_survive_a_plane_crash/
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A Hydrogen atom walks into a bar...

...and asks for a shot.
Bartender, "what's the occasion?"
Atom, "I think I lost an electron."
Bartender, "you sure?"
Atom, "I'm positive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bjdl1/a_hydrogen_atom_walks_into_a_bar/
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I asked Santa for a Frisbee when I was a kid....

But I was an only child, so he gave me a boomerang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bjbui/i_asked_santa_for_a_frisbee_when_i_was_a_kid/
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My friend handed me broken scissors...

I told him this isn't going to cut it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bj3l2/my_friend_handed_me_broken_scissors/
%
TIFU by starting a World War after accidently shooting a British submarine.

Oops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bj32f/tifu_by_starting_a_world_war_after_accidently/
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A trucker who has been out on the road

for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”
The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.”
The trucker replies: “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m homesick.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bizas/a_trucker_who_has_been_out_on_the_road/
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Grandma's 100th Birthday

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she mwould write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew: "Bastards won't let me fart...!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3biyjp/grandmas_100th_birthday/
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A man and a woman hit it off at a bar and head back to his place.

Things start getting hot and she says "before we get started, there's something I want to show you.. put your fingers in my pussy, all of them."
Without thinking, he puts in all the fingers on his left hand.
She commands "now, get your whole hand in."
He replies, "ooo you're pretty kinky," and slides his whole hand in.
Next she says, "okay, get the other hand in there."
"Yeah? alright, I'll try." He manages to get his right hand in pretty easily and now has both hands in up to his wrist.
"Now, put both arms in up to your elbows."
A bead of sweat falls down his forehead, he hesitates but presses on. After wriggling his arms back and forth he slowly but surely gets both of his arms in up to his elbows. He asks, "Is this what you wanted to show me??"
"No, but we're almost there. Now, put your arms in up to your shoulders."
He's flabbergasted, but follows her order and after much trial and tribulation, finally gets his arms in up to his shoulders.
He sighs, "this is it, I have no arm left, I simply can't go any further."
She says, "Perfect! Clap your hands for me."
Try as he might he just can't get his hands apart and gives up. "I'm sorry, I just can't do it."
She exclaims, "Yeahhh, pretty tight, huh!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bix0l/a_man_and_a_woman_hit_it_off_at_a_bar_and_head/
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What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

Cats have claws at the end of their paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3biux6/what_is_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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why is a divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bir3i/why_is_a_divorce_so_expensive/
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Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.

So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches and they head off. The trouble is the picnic site is 5 miles away so it takes them 5 days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy, give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says Roy. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, so he turns to Andy and asks "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it, so they're stuck five miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches before he gets back. After an hour of them talking it out, Roy agrees to go back only if they promise they wont touch the sandwiches until he returns. They agree and so Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace.
10 days pass and Roy still hasn't returned. Andy and Mick, true to their word, don't touch the sandwiches. Another five days pass and Roy still isn't back. The two are really hungry now, but a promise is a promise and they leave the sandwiches untouched.
Finally, after another few days, the two can't take it any longer. "We have to eat them or else we're going to fucking starve," Mick says. Andy agrees and so they both take out a sandwich each. They're about to eat when all of a sudden Roy jumps out from behind a nearby rock and shouts:
"I fucking knew it! I'm definitely not going now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3biqgu/three_tortoises_mick_andy_and_roy_decide_to_go_on/
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I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home

Seemed like a good idea at the time but i've never driven a bus before...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3biq67/i_was_drinking_at_a_bar_so_i_took_the_bus_home/
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What's the longest word in the world?

Marriage. Because it's not just a word, it's a fuckin' sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bipcs/whats_the_longest_word_in_the_world/
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Trophy Wife

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.
She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bihd6/trophy_wife/
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Little Billy is pulling a dead frog on a rope

... as he walks into a brothel.   He walks up to the madam and says loudly and proudly, "I want to have sex with Monica."
The madam says,  "but you're just a boy, you can't be here."
Billy pulls out $3000 dollars and says,  "I am a paying customer, and I want to have sex with Monica."
The madam looks at the cash and thinks that they could use it.  "Okay, little boy.  But why do you want to have sex with Monica? There are a lot of women here?"
Billy replies,  "I heard she has chlamydia."
The madam starts laughing and says,  "why in the world would you want to knowingly have sex with someone who has chlamydia?"
Billy takes a couple steps closer, he says "well you see, my parents are going out to dinner tonight and I'm going to have sex with my babysitter.  I know that when my daddy takes her home, he's going to have sex with the babysitter. Then tomorrow, he'll have sex with my mom,  and then the next day, my mom will have sex with the mailman, and he's the son of a bitch who ran over my frog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bigu8/little_billy_is_pulling_a_dead_frog_on_a_rope/
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Proctology Exam

A Guy goes into a proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.
A tube of K-Y jelly;
A rubber glove; and
A beer.
When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bifvb/proctology_exam/
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Lipstick Girls

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bif6p/lipstick_girls/
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"The child returned to the sun"

Around 1250, a merchant leaves France for a 2 years trip to the middle-east. When he comes back, his unfaithful wife had a son with a handsome young man of the city. Upon coming back home, the merchant sees the baby, who is obviously too young to be his own. He asks his wife: "My dear wife, please tell me whose son is this ?
-Dear husband, last winter, during a snowy day, as I was wandering, sad and crying because you were absent, I looked up in the sky in prayer for your safe return, and I accidentally ate a snowflake. And then, miraculously, the following year, I was blessed with this child !
-Truly, this must be a miracle ! The grace of God is upon our family ! I will raise this child as my own, as we are blessed by Him !"
The merchant does not say any more word, although he is suspicious, and carries on with his life, often leaving for 1 or 2 years travelling in the East. When the boy reaches the age of 15, the merchant decides to take him with him for a business travel to teach him the job. The wife begs him to be careful, tells him she will pray for their success and well-being, and asks him to bring her son back home safe. The man travels to Genoa, where he meets a friend who takes him to Alexandria. There, he quickly sells the boy on the slave market, continues his business in the Middle-East, and heads back home. As he enters, his wife sees that he is alone, panics and asks him :
"Husband, where is my son ? what happened to him ?!
-He melted."
PS : paraphrase of a 800 years old joke from an old-french Fabliau
source : http://gallica.bnf.fr/ark:/12148/bpt6k209379m/f184.image

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3biaif/the_child_returned_to_the_sun/
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Three cowboys are out on the range.

One night around the campfire, to pass the time they begin swapping stories of their feats to prove who is the biggest man.
The first cowboy says, "I once killed a mountain lion with nothing but my hunting knife and sheer grit."
The second cowboy scoffs at this and claims, "Psh, that's nothing! I once wrestled a grizzly bear to death with my bare hands."
The third cowboy just sat there silently, slowly stirring the coals of the fire with his penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3biadp/three_cowboys_are_out_on_the_range/
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I had to quit the massage business.

I kept rubbing people the wrong way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bi8r5/i_had_to_quit_the_massage_business/
%
Once you've seen one shopping center...

...you've seen a mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bi7qx/once_youve_seen_one_shopping_center/
%
Yesterday an ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple

ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.
ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bi78o/yesterday_an_isis_member_stopped_the_car_of_a/
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A Doctor and engineer

A doctor and an engineer loved the same girl.
Doctor used to give her a rose daily
and engineer used to give the girl an apple.
Girl got confused and asked engineer : There is a meaning of giving rose in Love,
Why are you giving apple ?
Engineer answered : Because
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bi6rp/a_doctor_and_engineer/
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meat Pattie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bi4s7/how_did_the_butcher_introduce_his_wife/
%
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch.

The boy confused by this goes to his mother.
"Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy."
The son then asks "What's a bitch?"
The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television.
.
The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?"
The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
.
.
.
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bi3jn/a_boy_is_at_school_and_he_hears_the_older_kids/
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My Favorite Family Appropriate Joke

A Penguin walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "got any milk?". The Bartender responds "no", and the Penguin leaves. The Penguin comes back to the bar the next day and asks the bartender "got any milk?". The Bartender replies "no", and the Penguin leaves. The Penguin comes back to the bar the next day and asks the bartender "got any milk?". The Bartender gets angry and replies "NO, and if you ask again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!", and the Penguin leaves. The Penguin comes back to the bar the next day and asks the bartender "got any nails?". The Bartender replies "no", then the Penguin asks "got any milk?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bi264/my_favorite_family_appropriate_joke/
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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs

. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bi25p/a_girl_realized_that_she_had_grown_hair_between/
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My grandmother is hilarious.

My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say “Knock knock”, we’d say “Who’s there?”. Then she’d say “I can’t remember”… and start to cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bi1pr/my_grandmother_is_hilarious/
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Death or Boogaloo? You decide.

Two men get shipwrecked to an island. Now, they venture inland to find help. They find a village in the middle of a jungle.
Instantly, the men get surrounded by a tribe of islanders.
The chief walks to the men and says, ” What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?”
The first man thinks for a second and replies, “I choose Boogaloo”.
The chief thinks hard and breaks in to a smile and the tribe begins to chant “boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo”.
The chief takes the man, bends him over and fucks him up the ass.
The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed.
The chief walks up to him and asks, “You must choose, Death or Boogaloo”?
The man thinks that he would rather die than have boogalood, so he replies, “I choose death”.
The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells, “Death by boogaloo!!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bi1df/death_or_boogaloo_you_decide/
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The Origin of Yodelling

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry."
So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.
"How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out....
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bhtju/the_origin_of_yodelling/
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This season of Game of Thrones set new records for Piracy

Probably because it's written by George Arrrrr Arrrrr Martin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bhsjj/this_season_of_game_of_thrones_set_new_records/
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Where did Little Suzie go when the bomb hit?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bhkjr/where_did_little_suzie_go_when_the_bomb_hit/
%
I heard the best geography joke today...

I would tell you but you had to be there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bhguu/i_heard_the_best_geography_joke_today/
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What did they find floating in the toilet of the S.S Enterprise?

Captains Log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bhcor/what_did_they_find_floating_in_the_toilet_of_the/
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What did one ISIS militant teacher say to their most successful student?

You da bomb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bhbdv/what_did_one_isis_militant_teacher_say_to_their/
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There's no chocolate ice cream...

A man walks into a local ice cream parlor and looks at the menu and orders a single scoop of chocolate ice cream.
Employee: "Sorry, we're all out of chocolate ice cream today."
Customer: " Awhhh... well, okay." "Umm... lemme get a double scoop of chocolate ice cream."
The employee sighs and replies: "Sorry sir, I don't know if you heard me, but we're all out of chocolate ice cream."
Customer: "Ohh right right... okay, umm... lemme have a triple scoop of your chocolate ice cream then."
Employee: "Sir, we don't have chocolate ice cream... You can have vanilla or you can have strawberry, but we're all out of chocolate!"
Customer: "Oh I'm so sorry, i miss understood... why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream then."
Now employee completely annoyed, replies "Mister...Do you see the  'straw' in 'strawberry'?"
Customer: "Yeah, of course I see the 'straw' in 'strawberry'"
Employee: "Okay great! Do you see the 'van' in vanilla?"
Customer (A little irritated): "Yes I do see the van in vanilla"
Employee: "Fantastic! Now do you see the 'FUCK' in chocolate?"
Customer: "Wait... there ain't no 'Fuck' in chocolate??"
Employee: Thats what I've been trying to tell you... THERE AIN'T NO FUCKIN' CHOCOLATE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bhb7h/theres_no_chocolate_ice_cream/
%
Here's how pessimism works.

It never works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bh8y8/heres_how_pessimism_works/
%
A group of cannibals...

A group of cannibals just recently kidnapped three homeless men and took them to a secluded area of the woods. The head cannibal looks at all of the men and says "I order you to go into the woods and come back with ten of the same fruit". The men went off into the woods to look for fruit.
Later on two of the men return one with ten apples and one with ten blueberries. The head cannibal says to the two men "If you want to live you have to stick all ten of the fruits you've brought back up your ass without making a facial expression otherwise we will cut off your heads and eat you".
The first man attempts to stick the first apple up his ass and expectedly makes a facial expression. His head is cut off and he will be eaten.
The second man sticks blueberries one by one up his ass and doesn't make a facial expression. Right when he goes to stick the tenth berry up his ass he explodes into uncontrollable laughter so obviously his head is cut off and he is eaten.
Up in heaven the two men meet again and the first man asks the second man "why did you laugh so much you could still be alive if you hadn't laughed".
Smirking the second man replies "I saw Johnny walking back with pineapples"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bh861/a_group_of_cannibals/
%
When a clock is hungry...

...it goes back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bh7wh/when_a_clock_is_hungry/
%
A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:
> $2.50
Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?
> $4.99
Excellent. 20 oz soda?
> $1.59
Perfect. How about this box of cigarettes?
> ERROR
Huh? Maybe try this can of snuff?
> ERROR
Shit.
So he looks through the code again, making sure he checked every parenthesis and spelled every function correctly. He checks. Double checks. Triple checks. Finally, he sees the problem.
It was a sin tax error.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bgylf/a_programmer_is_working_on_a_convenience_store/
%
I know a joke...

that's so dark the police almost shot it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bgxle/i_know_a_joke/
%
You hear the one about the gay judges?

Yeah, they tried each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bgui1/you_hear_the_one_about_the_gay_judges/
%
Two old codgers are sitting on a park bench...

The first says that it's a beautiful day.
The second agrees and says, "A day like this make me feel like I  want to make love to Scarlett Johansson again."
The first is blown away. "Are you saying you have made love to Scarlett Johansson?"
The second explains, "There was a magical day, three years ago that was much like today. And on that day, I felt like making love to her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bgtq6/two_old_codgers_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

then a table, then finally a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bgpsr/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
So I have a black girlfriend now

...after I severely burned my hand on the stove

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bgl6p/so_i_have_a_black_girlfriend_now/
%
Having sex with your clone...

Is it incest or masturbation?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bgki0/having_sex_with_your_clone/
%
One group of people still can't get married in the US

Ugly people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bgj2k/one_group_of_people_still_cant_get_married_in_the/
%
A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?"

And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bgibq/a_canadian_walks_into_a_cafe_and_the_barista_asks/
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Jesus, Moses, and a bearded guy are all playing golf together

They get to the first hole and it's a long one with a big deep water hazard in the middle. Par 4
Jesus takes a shot. It lands on this tiny patch of dirt on the right edge of the hazard. Jesus doesn't want to take a penalty for a drop and he stinks at shooting left handed so he decides to just walk out on the water and make his shot. It lands on the green and he puts it in. Birdie.
Moses steps up. He takes a shot. This one is going right into the center of the hazard. Moses raises his hands and parts the waters. The ball lands. Moses walks out and takes his shot. It lands on the green and he puts it in. Birdie.
The bearded guy steps up to the tee. He takes his shot. It too is going straight into the water hazard. It heads straight for a lily pad with a frog on it. The frog sees the ball and thinks that it is a fly. It shoots out its tongue and swallows the ball. Right at that moment a hawk flies over and snatches the frog in it's talons and flies away. As it flies over the green the hawk squeezes tightly and the frog gasps dropping the ball out of its mouth. The ball falls from the sky straight into the hole. Hole-in-one.
Moses turns to Jesus and says "I hate playing with your dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bgh9n/jesus_moses_and_a_bearded_guy_are_all_playing/
%
What do you call a blind german?

A not see

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bgh5n/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
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A woman bikes up to two engineers in a parking lot.

The woman takes off her clothes and tells them, "You may have anything you want."
The first engineer says, "I'll take the bike!"
The second engineer says, "Since there is nothing left, I'll take the clothes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bgax0/a_woman_bikes_up_to_two_engineers_in_a_parking_lot/
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I got kicked out of the cancer ward at my hospital today.

Apparently laughter isn't the best medicine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bg7ws/i_got_kicked_out_of_the_cancer_ward_at_my/
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I'm not sexist because being sexist is wrong

And being wrong is for women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bg65u/im_not_sexist_because_being_sexist_is_wrong/
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Horny jack

Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into
his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. He walks down the street to the
local brothel and knocks on the door.
The madame opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him.
'I'm really horny, but I only have $5. What can you do for me?' Jack asks
the madam.
She looks over this fellow and tells him, 'Don't worry. We can take care of you. No problem.'
She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken.
Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives
the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her. Jack undresses and has the time of his life. When he's done he can't remember when he had ever had such a pleasurable experience.
One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madame and asks what she can do for him for $10.
'Well, for $10 we have a special show,' the madame replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. 'Sit back and enjoy the show, Jack,' she tells him.
Jack gives the money to the madame and takes a seat on one of the benches.
Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open, revealing another room on the other side of a two-way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other.
Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, 'This is a pretty good show for ten bucks, eh?!'
The guy turns to Jack and says, 'That's nothing... last week we saw a guy screw a chicken!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bg5z2/horny_jack/
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An American and a Russian freeze themselves for a 100 years

....taking a bet whose country will be doing better in the future. So they enter the cryo chamber and go to sleep. When they wake up, they buy a newspaper. The Russian takes it and as he reads the headline, he starts smiling.
"The communist party wins the U.S. Elections for the fifth time in a row"
Furious, the American grabs the paper and skims through. Suddenly he starts laughing, so the Russian asks "what  could you find? I obviously won!"
The American hands him the paper and points to an article which reads
"Repeated conflicts on the Chinese-Polish border"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bg3ue/an_american_and_a_russian_freeze_themselves_for_a/
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A man dies, and goes to heaven

When he arrives, God and his family come to greet him.
'Jerry' God says, 'you have been good all your life, but there is one sin you have committed - you have killed a deer, and had it stuffed. But before you did that, you and your family had the nerve to do indecent things to it before it's death. You Jerry, have cut off its legs before it died. Therefore, you must lose your legs if you wish to enter.'
Jerry was quite reluctant, but did not want to be denied to enter heaven. So he cut his legs off, and proceeded to walk on his hands inside.
Then God turned to his wife, and said 'Margret, before the deer died, you pulled out its stomach, and cooked it for your family. Therefore you shall lose your stomach before entering.'
Margret also did not want to be left out of heaven, and had her stomach cut out. She walked into heaven holding her hand over the hole in her belly.
Then God turned to their son. 'Johnny' he said, 'You have-'
'I KNOW, I KNOW!' Johnny said, taking off his underwear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bg2cp/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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They say that Insanity is hereditary...

you get it from your kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bg1mh/they_say_that_insanity_is_hereditary/
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What do kids in Arkansas call pedophiles?

Dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bfzsu/what_do_kids_in_arkansas_call_pedophiles/
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An evil baked potato hatched a devious scheme

Fortunately, it was foiled.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bfzoy/an_evil_baked_potato_hatched_a_devious_scheme/
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What does a gay horse eat?

HAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bfy3q/what_does_a_gay_horse_eat/
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I feel like a crushed Coke can on the sidewalk.

Soda pressed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bfxp7/i_feel_like_a_crushed_coke_can_on_the_sidewalk/
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PornHub removed my sex tape

They told me to try Vine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bfrii/pornhub_removed_my_sex_tape/
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Baby Jokes [NSFW] [NSFL] NOT SAFE FOR ANYONE.

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.
How do you make a baby spin around?
Blender.
How do you take it back out?
Nachos.
What do you call a dead baby on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a dead baby floating on the water?
Bob.
What do you call a dead baby on the floor?
Matt.
What's better than 10 babies in a bag?
One baby in 10 bags.
This one sickens me.
What's the similarity between your grandma and your baby?
Both may die during intercourse.
What's the difference?
Your grandma's arsehole won't split in two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bfqh5/baby_jokes_nsfw_nsfl_not_safe_for_anyone/
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Hospital

When checking a patient in for surgery, he said he was a mechanic. I said, "Good, the surgeon likes that because you understand when there are parts left over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bfplt/hospital/
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Two middle-aged men sit on a park bench

...and talk about what they think heaven will be like. As a baseball lover, one man says to the other, "I REALLY hope there's baseball to be played in heaven! That would make everything worth it."
The other man replies, "It sure would, i haven't been able to play baseball in years but would love the chance to play in heaven."
Tragically, the next day one of the men has a heart attack and dies. Devastated, his friend returns to the same park bench and weeps for hours. That evening the man hears a voice speaking to him saying, "Hey! Its me! Guess what?!"
Thrilled to hear his old friends voice, he replies, "Oh my gosh is that you?! You gotta tell me; what's heaven like??"
"Well I've got some really really great news, and i also have some not-so-great news... But there IS baseball in heaven, he spoke excitedly.
The man on the bench was so happy he nearly screamed, "Thats the best news ever! What could POSSIBLY be the bad news?!"
The voice responds, "You're pitching on Tuesday...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bfo1a/two_middleaged_men_sit_on_a_park_bench/
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The pirate and the sailor

A sailor walks into a bar and sees a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand and an eye patch.  His curiosity leads him to approach the pirate and ask, "Why do you have a peg leg?"
"I was washed overboard and a shark bit me leg off."  the pirate responds.
"Okay," says the sailor, "but what about your hook hand?"
"Me first mate tried to kill me with his sword but only got me hand instead."
"Okay," says the sailor, "but what about your eye patch?"
"I was walking along the beach and a seagull pooped on me eye." the pirate explains.
"A seagull pooped your eye out?"  the sailor asks incredulously.
"No," the pirate explains, "it was the first day with me hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bfl31/the_pirate_and_the_sailor/
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What's the worst thing you can say to a Jewish bread delivery man?

What's the challah cost?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bf11c/whats_the_worst_thing_you_can_say_to_a_jewish/
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Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend?

Cause Sheeran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bezoy/why_doesnt_ed_have_a_girlfriend/
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I had a dream.

Last night I had a dream.  I dreamed that Hugh Hefner, publisher of Playboy died and went to Hell.  He was trapped in a small room with no doors or windows with an unattractive, hateful woman.  A voice boomed out from nowhere and said: "Hugh Hefner, for your sins in life you shall spend eternity with this unattractive hateful woman."
Then I dreamed that Bob Guccione, publisher of Penthouse died and went to Hell.  Guccione was in a small room with no doors or windows with a  hideous looking, vile, hateful woman.  A voice boomed out from nowhere and said:  Bob Guccione, for your sins in life you shall spend eternity with this most vile of women.
Then I dreamed that I died and went to Hell.  I was trapped in a small room with no windows or doors and in the room with me was Marilyn Monroe.  A voice boomed out from nowhere and said:
"Marilyn Monroe, for your sins in life...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3betwm/i_had_a_dream/
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What did the Native American pornstar call himself?

Spread Eagle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3besl1/what_did_the_native_american_pornstar_call_himself/
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Girl farts at the dinner table

A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:
-Rocky!!
The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip. The boy’s father is getting nervous:
-Rocky!! be careful now!!
Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy’s father yells:
-Rocky! Get out of there fast! She’s gonna sh*t on you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bescb/girl_farts_at_the_dinner_table/
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A guy walking down the street sees a girl with perfect breasts

. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”
“Are you crazy?!” – she says and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he requests again.
“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?”
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.
“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”
“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3berck/a_guy_walking_down_the_street_sees_a_girl_with/
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A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.”
The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.”
And the engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
[Shamelessly taken from Malcolm Gladwell](http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/05/04/the-engineers-lament)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bemnl/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_are_playing_golf/
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I've always stood up for black people...

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3belw2/ive_always_stood_up_for_black_people/
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I have always stood up for black people.

It's not worth getting stabbed for a seat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3beht3/i_have_always_stood_up_for_black_people/
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A joke most likely to get me banned by Ellen Pao

So, a man walks into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
The flattered woman replies, "You really think so?"
The guy says, "Oh of course! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3begjk/a_joke_most_likely_to_get_me_banned_by_ellen_pao/
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I don't really know about the effects of nocturnal drinking

I'm just taking a shot in the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3befnt/i_dont_really_know_about_the_effects_of_nocturnal/
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A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician...

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are all eating on the patio of a restaurant.  Across the street, they see two people walk into a building, and a few moments later three people walk out.
The biologist says, "Oh, they must have reproduced."
The physicist remarks, "There must have been some type of statistical error."
All are quiet for a long while before the mathematician says, "You know, if one more person walks into that building it will be empty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3befgx/a_biologist_a_physicist_and_a_mathematician/
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So these two ladies die

and are waiting in purgatory to hear the results of their life audit. A door opens and two men walk in. An angel walks in with an ugly, hunch backed gremlin of a man. The angel says "Nancy, in 1982 you killed a duck, your punishment will be to spend your eternal life with this man". He slaps the the shackles on each of their arms and are sent off for eternity.  A little while later another angel walks in with a gorgeous hunky stud. He slaps the shackle on her and the handsome man and are sent on their way. During their walk shes thinking she must have be a good person during her life on earth, when she's interrupted by the man's muttering "I shouldn't have killed that duck".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3beaz9/so_these_two_ladies_die/
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What's the big deal? Gay people could always get married.

Just not to each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3beair/whats_the_big_deal_gay_people_could_always_get/
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What's better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3be9hm/whats_better_than_eating_a_mandarin/
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Three soldiers are blown up in a foxhole

; a white guy, a jew, and a black guy. The grenade that was thrown in their foxhole explodes and kills all three instantly.
All three of them go to hell. The devil explains to them due to the high number of casualties lately hell is getting overpopulated. "So I tell ya what, you guys give me 50 bucks a piece and I'll put you right back into your bodies on earth fully restored." says the devil.
White guy says, "Sounds good to me, here ya go." White guy gives the devil 50$ and poof! He's right back in the trench without a scratch on him.
Seconds later his Lieutenant comes over them hill and checks inside the foxhole to find the white guy perfectly intact and the others two soldiers blown to bits. "Wtf happened? I just saw a grenade go off in here and you don't have a scratch on you!"
The white guy explains the over population of hell and the 50$ deal he made.
"So what happened to the other two guys?"
"Well right before I left hell the jew had him down to 35$ and the nig was trying to get a loan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3be715/three_soldiers_are_blown_up_in_a_foxhole/
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A couple decides to go on vacation.

A couple from London decides to go on a vacation together to Spain.
Due to a sudden change in the wife's work schedule the husband decides to fly first and the wife will join him a couple of days later.
As the husband arrives weather is great and he feels kind of bad for his wife still working at home so he immediately decides to send her a letter.
Unfortunately the letter by mistake gets sent to the grieving widow next door.
Being old and still in shock after just having lost her husband she opens up the envelope without looking at the address.
The letter read as following:
"Hi Honey! Just got down here and boy is it freaking hot.
Looking forward to seeing you when you arrive in a few days"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3be6qe/a_couple_decides_to_go_on_vacation/
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Why did the star go to the bathroom?

Because it had to Twinkle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3be4s8/why_did_the_star_go_to_the_bathroom/
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Yo mamma is so fat...

we're all deeply concerned about her health.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3be2et/yo_mamma_is_so_fat/
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11.34: Arrived at crime scene

11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.34: Found murder weapon in drain
11.34: Realised watch was broken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3be1ic/1134_arrived_at_crime_scene/
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What do you call a girl hanging from a basketball rim?

Annette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3be150/what_do_you_call_a_girl_hanging_from_a_basketball/
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3be0zy/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
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Why does a golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he gets a hole in one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3be0nx/why_does_a_golfer_wear_two_pairs_of_pants/
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Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is yours."
The man walks to room one and sees another man in a pit of fire being stabbed by pitchforks. "No way in hell am I going in this room" he thought and proceeded to room two where he sees another man, bound and gagged, being whipped with a acid laced spiked chain. "Holy shit" the man says and he continues on to room three.
Upon arriving at room three he noticed a man receiving a blowjob from the sexiest, most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and without hesitation he tells the devil, "I choose this room." The devil replied, "Very well" and walks up to the woman and says to her, "You're free to go, your replacement's here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bdzkd/hell_no/
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A guy goes to a fancy dress party with his girlfriend on his back....

When asked what he has come as he tells everyone, "I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle of course"
"What's that on your back then???"
"Oh, that's Michele he replies"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bdvjn/a_guy_goes_to_a_fancy_dress_party_with_his/
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A philosopher, a linguist, and a physicist were asked, "Which of your three fields is the most useful?"

The philosopher said, "What do we mean when we use the word 'useful'?"
The linguist said, "What do *you* mean when you use the word 'useful'?"
The physicist laughed and said, "The answer can be inferred by the uselessness of the other answers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bdsz3/a_philosopher_a_linguist_and_a_physicist_were/
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This Is Why Marriages Fail

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!" The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bdsc0/this_is_why_marriages_fail/
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What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *thwack* fuck...
A skydiver goes FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- *THWACK*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bdrnv/whats_the_difference_between_a_golfer_and_a/
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Two midgets...

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on." The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bdrlo/two_midgets/
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Marriage

Before Marriage:
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bdo79/marriage/
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What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bdc4l/what_do_you_call_a_musician_without_a_girlfriend/
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Whats the difference between Mashed Potatoes and Pea Soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bd9ea/whats_the_difference_between_mashed_potatoes_and/
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I served 2 years in Iraq

Until they shut down the restaurant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bd7yr/i_served_2_years_in_iraq/
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What's Shia LaBeouf's favorite kind of choral arrangement?

DUETS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bd6nr/whats_shia_labeoufs_favorite_kind_of_choral/
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There was this group of prisoners..

...who were so bored in prison and they start sharing the jokes they know. Eventually they run out of new jokes so they repeat the ones that they've already told and laugh at them again. Tired of repeating all the jokes, one of them came up with the idea to give every joke a number so they won't need to repeat the whole joke again, and when they want to tell a joke they would only need to say the number and everyone will know and laugh. One day, one of the prisoners says "11", they all laugh a bit and stop. Another one of the prisoners continues saying "23", again they all laugh for a bit and stop, except one of them who was still laughing. They asked him "Why can't you stop laughing?", he goes, "It's the first time I hear it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bd5ij/there_was_this_group_of_prisoners/
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If your method of birth control is abstinence...

...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bd1ia/if_your_method_of_birth_control_is_abstinence/
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German language is easy.

The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It’s amazingly easy! If this doesn’t convince you, let’s learn German with an example.
First of all, take a book in German. It’s a splendid leather-covered book published in Dortmund. It is about the customs and habits of the Hottentots (which in German is Hottentotten).
The book teaches that the opossums (Beutelratten) are captured and put in cages (Kotter) with wooden slats (Lattengitter) to protect them from the elements. Those cages, in German, are called “cages with wooden slats” (Lattengitterkotter) and, when they have inside a opossum, we call all the group as “cage with wooden slats with an opossum” (Beutelrattenlattengitterkotter).
One day, the Hottentots arrested a murderer (Attentäter), accused of having killed the Hottentot (Hottentotter) mother (Mutter) (a Hottentottermutter) of a boy who stuttered and was also a bit slow (Stottertrottel). That woman, in German, is called Hottentottenstottertrottelmutter and, her murderer, we call easily Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterattentäter.
In the book, the Hottentots caught him and, without having where to put him, they used a opossum cage (Beutelrattenlattengitterkotter). But, incidentally, the prisoner escaped. After they began the search, quickly came up a Hottentot warrior screaming:
> "We caught the murderer (Attentäter)!"
> "What?," asked the chief.
> "Lattengitterkotterbeutelrattenattentäter" answered the warrior.
> "Who? The murderer that was in the cage of opossums with wooden slats?" the chief of the Hottentots asked.
> "Yes," answers the native with great difficulty. "Hottentottenstottertrottelmutteratentäter (murderer of the Hottentot mother who had a slow and stuttering child)."
> "Ah," the chief says, "you could have said from the start that you had caught the Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterbeutelrattenlattengitterkotterattentäter!"
As it can be noticed, German is very easy. You only have to show a little willingness...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bd06p/german_language_is_easy/
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Why did the console gamer cross the road?

To render the buildings across the street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bcx1s/why_did_the_console_gamer_cross_the_road/
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Always pay your taxes with a smile

I tried, but the IRS still wanted cash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bcvdk/always_pay_your_taxes_with_a_smile/
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A russian and an american find themselves in hell in front of Satan.

Satan: "We have two kinds of hell here: american hell and russian hell, which one do you choose?".
American: "What's the difference?"
Satan: "In american hell you have to eat one bucket of shit every day, while in russian hell you have to eat two buckets of shit every day."
American: "Well, I guess I choose american hell then."
Satan turns to the russian.
Satan: "What about you?"
Russian: "I've been living my whole life in Russia, might as well go to russian hell."
And so they are sent to their hells and meet a week later.
Russian: "How is it going in american hell?"
American: "Not so bad actually, you eat your bucket of shit in the morning and the rest of the day you are free. What about you?"
Russian: "Well, you know how things are done in Russia. It's either shit was not delivered, or there aren't enough buckets for everyone."
---

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bcujr/a_russian_and_an_american_find_themselves_in_hell/
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I don't know what NBC showed last night..

But it must have been awesome, everyone is sporting their colors now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bcub4/i_dont_know_what_nbc_showed_last_night/
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A bloke walks into a barber's shop with his 5 yr old daughter.

While he sit's down to get his hair cut, the daughter stands right beside him eating a cupcake.
The barber warns her:
"Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."
She looks him in the eye:
"I know. I'm gonna grow tits too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bctmk/a_bloke_walks_into_a_barbers_shop_with_his_5_yr/
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Magic Dildo

A woman walks into a sex shop looking to buy a dildo.
"I want the best most powerful dildo you have" she tells the clerk.
"Oh then you want our ultra rare ultra powerful MAGIC DILDO! Just arrived from the jungles of Cambodia."
The clerk then goes on to explain how it works: "Simply say 'Magic Dildo' followed by whatever body part you want it to massage. Like this! 'MAGIC DILDO MY ARM"
Suddenly the dildo leaps up and starts vigorously massaging her arm. "I'll take it!" Says the woman, and she buys it and starts to drive home.
On the car ride home she decides to try it out, "MAGIC DILDO MY PUSSY" she says, and it starts to attack and massage her pussy. It's the best feeling she's ever felt and she starts to swerve all over the road. Soon a cop pulls her over and she puts the dildo away.
"Ma'm, why on earth were you swerving all over the road like that?" asks the cop.
"Honest sir it wasn't my fault! It was my magic dildo!" she replies.
"Yeah rite", says the cop, "MAGIC DILDO MY ASS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bcoye/magic_dildo/
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What do you call a jewish pokemon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bcjpo/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
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Two whales walk into a bar.

The first one says... "Eoooooooohahhhhhmmmmmmmuuuuuuaaauuu..." The second whale turns to the first and says. "Frank what the fuck is wrong with you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bcgpa/two_whales_walk_into_a_bar/
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A man and his wife are having sex...

...They are going at it hot and heavy, and suddenly they hear a noise. It's their son, little Timmy, standing in the doorway. Shocked, Timmy runs back to his room.
The father goes, "I'll go talk to Timmy."
So he goes to Timmy's room and opens the door; there, he sees Timmy's giving it hot and heavy to grandma!
The father, disturbed, says, "O my god!"
Timmy goes, "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bcdg6/a_man_and_his_wife_are_having_sex/
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Fairy tales

My granddaughter asked me, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time?”
I said, no, some begin with "If elected, I promise to……………………"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bcbw9/fairy_tales/
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Hey, wanna hear a Jew joke?

Israeli funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bc87d/hey_wanna_hear_a_jew_joke/
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Tough Guy picking on a teen

Tough guy: I bet your still a Virgin! HAHAHAHA
Other Guy: I was a Virgin until last night
Tough guy: As if!
Other guy: Yeah man just ask your sister
Tough Guy: I don't have a sister???
Other Guy: You will in about 9 months

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bc5zs/tough_guy_picking_on_a_teen/
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I got a bootleg copy of "Alien vs Predator"

It was just some Mexican guy fighting a priest!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bc3yd/i_got_a_bootleg_copy_of_alien_vs_predator/
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A man went to see the doctor

The doctor told him "you need to stop masturbating"
The man asked "why?"
The doctor replied "I need to finish the exam"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bc2c3/a_man_went_to_see_the_doctor/
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Where do Pirates get their puns from?

/Arr/Jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bc259/where_do_pirates_get_their_puns_from/
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Two fish are in a tank.

One fish turns to the other and says, "You man the guns, I'll drive".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bc1sz/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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A man is showering up in a locker room

with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye.
A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.
Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed.
"Dammit Jim, Crisco's shortening!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbz1i/a_man_is_showering_up_in_a_locker_room/
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Really sad news from the entertainment industry.

Justin Bieber was found alive in his apartment yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbvic/really_sad_news_from_the_entertainment_industry/
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times,

so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE Dick... She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbuyz/harry_and_his_wife_are_having_hard_financial_times/
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Airman Jones was assigned

to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbtpn/airman_jones_was_assigned/
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3 Wishes

A man, having needed to clean his house for years, woke up one morning and thought to himself, "Ok, i'm not going to put this off any longer. I'm gonna fucking clean this place." So, in the midst of his cleaning spree, he stumbled upon a box that he had not seen before. Being curious, he haphazardly tore the box open, only to find one solitary, dusty lamp. Naturally, he rubbed it, and lo and behold, two beautiful Genie's popped out.
"Today is your lucky day." one Genie implored, "...for today you are to be granted any 3 wishes that suit any of your desires."
The man thought for a while, and after a long period of speculation, told the Genie's his wishes.
"Ok", the other Genie said, "Your wishes will come to you first thing tomorrow morning."
So, the man ditched the cleaning, and went right back to bed. The next morning, the man woke up, and found that his whole floor was completely covered in one hundred dollar bills. The man, realizing that the wishes were no scam, ran downstairs in anticipation, and was promptly greeted by twenty absolutely stunning models, all gathered in his living room. The man was filled with so much delight, that he spun around in enjoyment; basking in the spectacular wonder that was filling his life. As the man went to greet the models, he was grabbed violently from behind by the two Genie's. They dragged him outside to the biggest tree they could find, tied a noose around his neck, and hung him right then and there. When his legs stopped kicking, the Genie's walked away somewhat perplexed. Finally, one Genie turns to the other and says;
"Ok, so I get the whole 'floor-covered-in-one-hundred-dollar-bills' thing, and the twenty models wish... But why did he say he wanted to be hung like a black guy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbt6s/3_wishes/
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How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbt1a/how_many_babies_does_it_take_to_paint_a_wall/
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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbsuh/one_day_a_guy_dies_and_finds_himself_in_hell/
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Preacher

A preacher said, "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar ."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbs56/preacher/
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A science experiment.

In a science class, 3 worms were placed into 3 separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of whisky.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in whisky ---dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The third worm in soil --- alive!!
So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said.
"As long as you drink and smoke , you won't have worms inside you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbrv1/a_science_experiment/
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I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am.

I'm not that much of a mourning person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbr9i/i_hate_how_funerals_are_always_at_9_or_10_am/
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A woman is pregnant with twins.

During her last month of pregnancy, she falls into a coma. When she wakes up, the doctor tells her that she had a girl and a boy, and that her brother claimed them until she came to. Immediately, she panics at the thought of her brother supervising her newborns.
"What did he name them?" She asks anxiously.
"He named the girl Denise", the doctor says.
That's not too bad, she thought, relieved. "What did he name my son?"
"Denephew."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbq6n/a_woman_is_pregnant_with_twins/
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A man is playing golf.

The first hit he lands on the ball sends it flying into the nearby bushes. He swears and goes to retrieve the ball. After another hit, the ball ends up in the sand pit. "God damn it," says the man grudgingly.
The local pastor, who was taking a stroll nearby, said to him: "Son, you shan't mention God's name in vain, He will punish you." The man pays no attention to the pastor and continues to play. Another try fails to bring the ball closer to the hole. "God damn it, missed again." The pastor, who continued to observe his game, remarks: "You'll definitely bring His anger upon yourself, young man". The man brushes it off again.
Suddenly, the sky darkens, and out of nowhere a lightning strike kills the pastor. Then, a voice bellows: "God damn it, missed again."
(It's a translation of a well-known Russian joke, forgive me for any inconsistencies introduced by it)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbpco/a_man_is_playing_golf/
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Young Sam walks in on his parents having sex...

One evening, 6 year old Sam had a nightmare and went to his parent's bedroom to seek comfort. As he was opening their door, he heard his mom say "grab my tits!" He then heard his father say "take my cock!"
Sam said "Mommy, what does tits mean?"
Sam's parents were startled and quickly covered themselves. Stammering, his mother said "Well...um...it's another word for...uh...hats."
"Daddy, what does cock mean?"
His father said "Uh... it's another word for...coats."
The next morning, Sam's parents were preparing for the arrival of old friends. Sam's mom was in the kitchen stuffing the turkey. She had her arm inside it when Sam walked in. Under her breath she muttered "Fucking turkey..."
"Mommy, what does fucking mean?"
She gasped and looked at Sam, "uh...uh...its another word for stuffing the turkey. Go and see if your father is ready."
Sam headed upstairs where he heard his father in the bathroom. His father was shaving and as Sam opened the door he heard him saying "ugh...shit!" as he cut himself.
"Daddy, what does shit mean?"
"Oh, uh, it's just the stuff I put on my face to shave."
The doorbell rang below. "Go get that Sam, and remember how we taught you to be polite when welcoming guests."
Sam went downstairs and opened the door. His parents friends had arrived.
Sam said, "Hello! Come in, mommy's in the kitchen fucking the turkey and daddy's upstairs putting shit on his face. They'll be ready in a minute. Can I take your cock and tits?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbknj/young_sam_walks_in_on_his_parents_having_sex/
%
A lawyer boarded an airplane

in Baltimore with a box of frozen soft shell crabs and asked a  stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator..
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Sarasota Florida, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in  Baltimore , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbh8e/a_lawyer_boarded_an_airplane/
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Why did the guitarist go to jail?

For fingering a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbfxi/why_did_the_guitarist_go_to_jail/
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A sexually active, middle-aged woman

informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years, they had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose  was from him :
"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
Wait for it……..
"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbfsm/a_sexually_active_middleaged_woman/
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So a lady walks into a bar...

A good looking woman who was known to get blackout drunk after drinking one bottle of beer walks into a tavern and orders a bottle of Budweiser. She finishes the beer, a few minutes pass, and she yells out; "I wanna make love to every guy in here"! And she does. Next evening, she goes to the same bar, drinks a Budweiser and shouts out; "I want to have sex with every man in the room"! She does. The next night she goes to the same inn and orders a Miller Lite. The bartender says; "I thought you liked Bud"? She tells him;  "I do, but it makes my vagina sore the next day".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbfih/so_a_lady_walks_into_a_bar/
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LPT: If your dentist has no painkillers, ask him for Helium.

It will be hilarious when you scream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbepj/lpt_if_your_dentist_has_no_painkillers_ask_him/
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Two morticians are having a conversation...

...when one of them says: "You know, the other day I had a woman lying here who had a clit like a gherkin." The other one is astonished and asks "*That* large??", to which the mortician replies: "Nope, that salty."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbela/two_morticians_are_having_a_conversation/
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Got Drunk

Went out with some friends last night and tied one on.
Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before.
I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising
as I have never driven a bus before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbeho/got_drunk/
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What's the first rule of tautology club?

The first rule of tautology club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbd64/whats_the_first_rule_of_tautology_club/
%
What do gays and republicans have in common?

Both are feeling a little butt hurt after yesterdays decision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bb626/what_do_gays_and_republicans_have_in_common/
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So a guy walks into a bar...

So a guy walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks for six shots.
The bartender asks, "Wow, 6 shots? Whats the special occasion?"
The man then replies, "Well, to be honest with you, it was my first blowjob."
"Your first blowjob?!?!" the bartender responded, "I'll throw a seventh shot in for free!"
"Well," said the man, "If the first six shots don't get the taste of cum out of my mouth, I really don't think the seventh will either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bb4ak/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man and an alligator walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Whoa man, you can't have an alligator in here!"
The man replies, "Don't worry, its a trained alligator."
Bartender, "I don't care if its trained or not, you can't have a fucking alligator in a bar."
Man, "Alright, check this out." The man then opens the alligator's mouth, takes out his dick, places it in the alligators mouth, closes it, then grabs a stick and starts bashing the alligator over the head.  After a few whacks, the man calmly places down the stick, opens the alligators mouth, and pulls out his unharmed dick. "And anyone in the bar could do the same thing."
An old woman in the back of the bar raises her hand and says, "Well, I'll give it a try, but I don't want you smacking me over the head with that stick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bay44/a_man_and_an_alligator_walk_into_a_bar/
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Angelic time

A man prayed for some good fortune.  An angel appeared. He asked the angel what's the equivalent of 5 minutes in heaven? To which the angel replied 5 minutes is equal to 5 millenia in earth time. How much is 5 million dollars in heavenly currency? The angel said it roughly equates to 5 cents. Can you grant me one wish?  Only one wish said the angel. Can you grant me 5 million dollars? To which the angel replied... Give me 5 minutes..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bay43/angelic_time/
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Nice guys finish last

And they generally warn you just before they do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3basy6/nice_guys_finish_last/
%
My doctor told me I need to stop masturbating.

I guess it was kinda getting in the way of the physical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bapkn/my_doctor_told_me_i_need_to_stop_masturbating/
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What do you get when you mix a boxer and cocaine?

A punchline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bapi9/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_a_boxer_and_cocaine/
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A man walks into a sex shop

and asks the clerk for a blow up doll. The clerk asks, "What religion?" and the man responds "What's the difference?". The clerk replies "Well, the Muslim ones blow themselves up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bap4c/a_man_walks_into_a_sex_shop/
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Pillsbury Dough Boy obit

Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy was survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3banu4/pillsbury_dough_boy_obit/
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My Vietnamese friends just got married, but by coincidence share the same last name so there was no hassle...

It was a Nguyễn-Nguyễn situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ban0s/my_vietnamese_friends_just_got_married_but_by/
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What do you call a Muslim optometrist who has no regards for his patients?

Asif Eyecare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3balvj/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_optometrist_who_has_no/
%
A father and his 11 year old son are walking through the pharmacy one day.

As they walk past the family planning aisle, the son points to the condoms and asks "Dad, what are those?"
The father realizes his son is old enough to learn about such things, so he tells him "Well, those are called condoms. Men use them when they have sex to be safe and not get girls pregnant."
"Okay." the son responds. "Who are those for?" he asks while pointing at the 3 pack.
"Those" the father replies, "are for men in high school: One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night"
"What about those?" the son asks pointing to the 6 pack.
"Those are for college aged men: Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday?" the father responds.
"And what about those?" the son asks pointing to the 12 pack.
With an air of confidence, the father looks up and says "Those, son, are for married men: One for January, one for February, one for March..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bab1b/a_father_and_his_11_year_old_son_are_walking/
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What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?

Klondike

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ba9hb/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_eskimo/
%
In honor of my dad, who passed away on Wednesday...here is his favorite joke.

Man finds the magic mirror (from Snow White) and gets excited to have his wish come true. So he chants: Magic Mirror on the Wall, make my penis touch the floor!
poof
His penis touches the floor.
His legs are also shorter. Way. Shorter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ba8qf/in_honor_of_my_dad_who_passed_away_on/
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A wizard walks into a gay bar...

And disappears with a poof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ba4xh/a_wizard_walks_into_a_gay_bar/
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Why do hipsters drink their Jello?

They want to have it before it's cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b9x8b/why_do_hipsters_drink_their_jello/
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The Soviet Union won't ever rise again?

What a bunch of Bolshevik.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b9slr/the_soviet_union_wont_ever_rise_again/
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I ate the last piece of flan that my wife and I have been fighting over

I won the custardy battle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b9s5c/i_ate_the_last_piece_of_flan_that_my_wife_and_i/
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A man decides to buy a lie detecting robot

because he wanted to make sure that he was always getting the truth from his family. Anytime the robot detected a fallacy, it would slap the liar. The man decided he would try out his new toy at the dinner table.
"So son" said the father "have you finished your homework tonight?"
"Of course" he replied. *SMACK*
"Well, what were you doing?" Asked the father, adamently.
"Ok, ok." He replied "I was watching a movie at a friends house."
"What were you watching?"
"Toy Story"
*SMACK*
"What were you *really* watching?" Said the father.
In a quiet voice the boy spoke "I was watching porn"
"WHAT?!" Exclaimed the father "WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE I *NEVER* LOOKED AT PORNOGRAPHY!"
*SMACK*
The wife, who had been watching this whole event unfold chuckled and said "Well, he *is* your son."
*SMACK*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b9qlp/a_man_decides_to_buy_a_lie_detecting_robot/
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What do you call a chain of singing islands?

An acapellago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b9l6w/what_do_you_call_a_chain_of_singing_islands/
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What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?

An electron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b9j0b/whats_the_difference_between_a_seal_and_a_sealion/
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I want to be a father someday

But my son says I should start now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b9glf/i_want_to_be_a_father_someday/
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A computer once beat me at chess.

But it was no match for me at kickboxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b9dov/a_computer_once_beat_me_at_chess/
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Why did the Mexican take xanax?

Hispanic attacks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b9a6t/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/
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When life hands you melons...

You might be dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b99bv/when_life_hands_you_melons/
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Husband's night out

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b990o/husbands_night_out/
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The Leprechaun Nun

Father O'Malley was walking through the fields in Belfast when he looked down and saw a four leaf clover. He picked it and spoke outloud "This must be me lucky day!" Then a Leprechaun came out from behind a tree and stood before him. "Oh it is me lucky day! Do I get a wish now?"
The Leprechaun replied "Father, we'll get to that, but I have to ask you a question of dire importance. Do you have a leprechaun nun in your church?"
The father replied "No, I don't have a leprechaun nun in me church. Do I get my wish now?" At this moment another leprechaun comes out from behind the tree and is giggling and snorting "Oh me lord, two leprechauns! Do I get two wishes now?"
The first leprechaun replied "In a minute father, tell me this; In your travels of Ireland, have you ever seen a leprechaun nun?" The father replied "No I can't say I have seen a leprechaun nun in me travels of Ireland."
The second leprechaun is now laughing and snorting and turning beat red. The Father asks "What about me wishes now?" The first Leprechaun says "After this final question. In your travels of the world, have you ever seen a leprechaun nun?"
The father replies "Not in my travels of the world, Ireland or in my church have I ever seen a leprechaun nun. The second leprechaun is now rolling on the ground in hysterical laughter. He yells "I TOLD YOU YOU FUCKED A PENGUIN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b93xk/the_leprechaun_nun/
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What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her pussy?

Only 20% of the things that came out of her pussy were retarded.
/r/imgoingtohellforthis ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b8ver/whats_the_difference_between_sarah_palins_mouth/
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This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"

The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b8t91/this_chinese_chap_goes_into_a_bank_to_change_some/
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Two atoms walk into a bar...

One atom says to the other "I think I lost an electron."
The other asks "Are you sure?"
The other replies "I'm positive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b8r0o/two_atoms_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why do rogues and thieves in RPGs usually wear medium armor?

Because it's literally made out of 'hide'.
Courtesy of /u/Courin at /r/Guildwars2 (with minor editing):
https://www.reddit.com/r/Guildwars2/comments/3b8p5o/why_thieves_are_a_medium_armor_class_in_gw2/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b8r0a/why_do_rogues_and_thieves_in_rpgs_usually_wear/
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They say one person in every group of friends is gay.

I hope it's Ben, he's really cute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b8jca/they_say_one_person_in_every_group_of_friends_is/
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- Doctor, kiss me!

- I can't. We, the doctors, follow a very strict work ethic that does not allow us to kiss our patients.
Honestly speaking, I should have never even fucked you in the first place!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b8h8t/doctor_kiss_me/
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Marijuana should've been legalized at the same time as same sex-marriage

because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be stoned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b8fyp/marijuana_shouldve_been_legalized_at_the_same/
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The pastor is speaking during a normal church session.

One person is sleeping amidst the church crowd. The pastor says "Whoever would like a place in heaven, please stand." Everyone except the sleeping person stands. "Whoever would like a place in hell, please stand." The sleeping guy wakes up, only hearing the 'please stand'. He then stands up and says "Pastor, it looks like we're the only two standing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b8ddo/the_pastor_is_speaking_during_a_normal_church/
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Italian father with son in prison

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.  His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.  Love, Papa."
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Papa,  Don't dig up that garden.  That's where the bodies are buried.  Love, Vinnie"
At 4 am next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left.  That same day, the old man received another letter from this son.
"Dear Papa,  Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best I could do under the circumstances.  Love you, Vinnie"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b89ru/italian_father_with_son_in_prison/
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Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise

and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.  So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and  breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b8812/ed_and_nancy_met_while_on_a_singles_cruise/
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Light a man a fire and you warm him for a night...

Light that man on fire and you'll warm him for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b85li/light_a_man_a_fire_and_you_warm_him_for_a_night/
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I was walking through Tennessee.

I was walking through Tennessee, and I came upon a cabin.  There was a man sitting on the porch with a big bottle in front of him.  He called over to me, "Hey boy, get over here."  Pointing to the bottle, he asked, "You know what this is?" "I don't know." "It's moonshine you idiot. Why don't you take a drink?"  "No thanks" I said.  All of a sudden he pulled out a pistol and pointed it at me.  "If you don't take a drink, I'll blow your balls off!"  Terrified, I took a drink.  It was the worst thing I ever tasted. It burned going down, I though I was immediately going to die or throw up.  "Good stuff, aint it?" He said.  Then he handed me the pistol.  "Now you point that gun at me so I can take a drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b84x9/i_was_walking_through_tennessee/
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Ever wondered why there were no knock knock jokes about America?

Freedom Rings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b7z0h/ever_wondered_why_there_were_no_knock_knock_jokes/
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My dad and I were never that close.

The company he worked for once had a "father-son" picnic and he invited his father

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b7qv5/my_dad_and_i_were_never_that_close/
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The English language is bizzare

There was a young girl from Slough
Who choked on a piece of raw dough
But the time she was through
With hiccup and cough
She woke everyone in the borough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b7nqk/the_english_language_is_bizzare/
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What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?

Sheet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b7nms/what_did_the_blanket_say_as_it_fell_of_the_bed/
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I hate when people say my skirt looks slutty..

Like, who cares if my balls hang out a little?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b7kqk/i_hate_when_people_say_my_skirt_looks_slutty/
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A guy sits down at the bar and orders a Martini with two olives...

bartender gives him the drink, he takes out the two olives, puts them aside on a napkin, drinks the martini, asks for another.  By the fourth Martini with two olives, the bartender asks the man "I don't mind, but I gotta ask....why do you ask for a Martini with two olives, then take the two olives out of it?"   the man replies "My wife sent me to the store for a jar of olives but the store was closed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b7guc/a_guy_sits_down_at_the_bar_and_orders_a_martini/
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Why can't Micheal Bay be a farmer?

Because he dosen't have a plot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b7fof/why_cant_micheal_bay_be_a_farmer/
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What do you say to a feminist with no arms or legs?

Nice tits, bitch!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b7cl2/what_do_you_say_to_a_feminist_with_no_arms_or_legs/
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Why do orphans play tennis?

It's the only way they can get love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b7c48/why_do_orphans_play_tennis/
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What do you call someone who takes everything literally?

A kleptomaniac!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b749b/what_do_you_call_someone_who_takes_everything/
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A boy asks his father the differences between realistic and hypothetical situations?

The father says, "Ok son, firstly go ask your mother if she would have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars, then ask your sister if she would sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and lastly ask your brother if he would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." The boy goes to his mother and the answer she gives is, "of course I would have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars." The boy goes to his sister and she says, "of course I would have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Finally, the boy goes to his brother and his brother says "yeah I suppose I would have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, that is a lot of money." The boy goes back to his father and reports back what everyone has said to him. The father says, "well son hypothetically we are sitting on three million dollars right now. Realistically we live with two whores and a faggot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b70ls/a_boy_asks_his_father_the_differences_between/
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What's the difference between a paddling pool and a swimming pool?

Deep ends really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6ur7/whats_the_difference_between_a_paddling_pool_and/
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To his utter disbelief, a man is granted a wish from God.

He asks, "Please build a bridge from California to Hawaii. That way so many more people could go and experience the beauty of Hawaii."
God replies, "That is asking a lot. That would be 3000 miles of bridge! Ask for something else."
"Ok," he replies, "in that case, please help me understand women."
Um, how many lanes did you want on that bridge?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6ui3/to_his_utter_disbelief_a_man_is_granted_a_wish/
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What do the mafia and 69 have in common?

A slip of the tongue and you're in for some shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6s7t/what_do_the_mafia_and_69_have_in_common/
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The length of my penis was in the Guinness Book Of World Records

Untill the librarian told me to take it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6om6/the_length_of_my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book/
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A rabbit is running hastily through the forest

And suddenly sees a deer relaxing under a tree smoking some hash. "What're you doing here, are you crazy?" says the rabbit, "We're in nature in the clean air, and you're smoking hash? Get up so we can run together and clean out our lungs!" "Youre right!" says the deer, and he gets up and starts running with the rabbit.
As they were running, they can across a fox hopped up on cocaine. "Mr. Fox!" says the deer "aren't you ashamed of yourself? We're in nature filled with  clean air, and your snorting coke? Get up and run with us so we can open up our lungs!" "You're right!" Says the fox, and he gets up and starts running with the other two.
A little further down the path they ran into a wolf getting ready to shoot up some heroin. "Mr. Wolf are you crazy?!" yells out the Fox, "We're in nature filled with clean air, and you want to get strung out? Get up and run with us so we can exercise and clean our lungs!"  "Why don't you all go fuck yourselves." says the wolf "Every time the rabbit takes ecstasy we have to go running like jerk offs in the forest?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6nv4/a_rabbit_is_running_hastily_through_the_forest/
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An old man buys a new car.

He rools down the windows, and heads for the highway, speeding up to 200 km/h. The adrenalin of passing other cars and the wind against his face made him feel young again. Suddenly, he hears sirens and see blue lights from his behind, so he speeds up without a second thought.
When it hits him what he's doing, he slows down and pulls over, waiting for the police to catch up. The police pulls up behind him, and goes for his window, and says: Look old man, it's 5 minutes before I'm off. If you can give me a good apology I haven't heard before, then you're off with a ticket.
The old man looks at the policeman and says: I'm sorry sir, my wife left me for a policeman last week, and I was afraid you were coming to give her back".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6n1g/an_old_man_buys_a_new_car/
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Missing wife

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Inspector : -Slim or healthy?.
Husband : -Not slim, but probably healthy.
Inspector : -Color of eyes?
Husband : -Never noticed.
Inspector : -Color of hair?
Husband : -Changes according to season.
Inspector : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Inspector : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes.
Inspector : -Color of the car?
Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started crying...
Inspector: -Don't worry sir,...We will find your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6mld/missing_wife/
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Woman in a coma

Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6lq7/woman_in_a_coma/
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An Irish man walks into a pub.

The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6loz/an_irish_man_walks_into_a_pub/
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I had a soap addiction.

Its okay though I'm clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6fau/i_had_a_soap_addiction/
%
Blow-up dolls

I went to my local sex shop last night to get a new blow-up doll. As I was looking at them the clerk came up to me and asked if I needed help?
I said yes and he asked if I wanted a male or female?
I said a female and he asked blonde or brunette?
I said blonde. Then he asked Muslim or Christian?
I asked what's the difference?
He said the Muslim blows itself up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6f72/blowup_dolls/
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Texas

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but...but I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control.
*And finally, don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6dro/texas/
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I had a masturbation addiction.

I beat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6c2t/i_had_a_masturbation_addiction/
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When someone tells me that they have no life I usually respond with this...

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Select Start

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b65sq/when_someone_tells_me_that_they_have_no_life_i/
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The traveling salesman and the farmer's wife

Now Jim was traveling the back woods of Iowa, looking for someone needing a vacuum.  Now late that afternoon, as is want to happen, his car broke down, leaving him stranded.  Now, luckily Farmer Jones came along on his old John Deere, and Jim explained what had happened.  Of course they both realized it was way too late to get him help that evening, so Farmer Jones took him on home.
When they got there, Jim saw it was nothing but a tiny one room shack, without even a decent barn, and he got to thinking he might just have been better staying in the car.  But Farmer Jones assured Jim that they had a big ol' bed for just him and his young wife, and they wouldn't mind lending him some space with them.  Just as Jim got to thinking it over, out walked Mrs. Jones, and damn if she wasn't the prettiest little thing Jim had ever cast his eyes upon.  Of course Jim knew better than to try anything with the farmer's wife, seeing as Farmer Jones was a big ol' boy and all, but that wouldn't stop him from thinking about it anyway.
Well as they were dozing off, Jim on one side of the farmer, and the missus on the other, over the farmer's snoring Jim heard Mrs Jones calling his name.
"Hey Jim, how about you come over here and make sweet love to me?" Jim was shocked, of course, not believing what he was hearing.  But she told him she was very serious, and that she knew once her husband started snoring, well nothing was going to wake him.  And when he still wasn't sure, she told him to just reach down between his cheeks and pluck out a hair.  After a few more denials, Jim finally gets up the nerve and reaches down.  <BOINK!> the hair came free, and Farmer Jones never even flinched!
Not believing his luck, Jim immediately hopped over and gave that young woman all he could, then settled back on his own side again.
But, sure enough, not much later he is once again woken by the farmer's wife begging him to give her another round.  But, believing there was no way the farmer could keep sleeping, he wouldn't give in until she had him pluck another hair from his ass.  And sure enough, <BOINK!> not even a change to his snoring.  So, Jim jumped over again and gave her an even wilder ride this time, before once again settling back on his own side.
But again, just as he was dozing off, he heard the farmer's wife calling for more!  This time it took no argument at all ... He just reached down and grabbed another hair from the farmer's ass.  <BOINK!>
But this time, before he could breathe a sigh of relieve, Farmer Jones sits straight up and grabs Jim by the throat.
"Look," he says in his deep voice, "if you want to fuck my wife, that is between you and her!  But, do you have to keep using my ass as a scoreboard!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6496/the_traveling_salesman_and_the_farmers_wife/
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What's the similarity between a blonde and a tornado?

In the beginning there's a lot of sucking and blowing but then she takes half your house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b61cj/whats_the_similarity_between_a_blonde_and_a/
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Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?

Because it ran out of juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b610l/why_did_the_orange_stop_in_the_middle_of_the_road/
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Watching the Flintstones in the UAE...

is not possible in Dubai because the people don't like it.  But the people from Abu Dhabi do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b604u/watching_the_flintstones_in_the_uae/
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A teenager had just passed his drivers test, and he asked his dad to buy him a car

"Dad, will you be able to get me a car?" Asked the boy
"I suppose a car would be in order *if*  you can raise your grades from C's to B's, you study your Bible, and cut your hair." Replied the father.
After contemplating for many hours, the boy decided it was a good and fair compromise. Six weeks later, the father is astonished. His son was excelling in school, he studied his Bible every day, but his hair was still long and shaggy.
"I am very impressed with you" said the father "you are passing all of your classes, and you read the Bible every day. But why wont you cut your hair?"
"After reading the Bible, I have noticed something." Said the boy "Moses, Samson, and Absalom all had long hair. There is even evidence that *Jesus* may have had long hair!"
The father replied back "Did you also notice how they had to walk everywhere too?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b5uj6/a_teenager_had_just_passed_his_drivers_test_and/
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A captain takes his crew into battle

A captain and his crew were sailing through the waters. A crewman calls from the lookout nest.
"Captain! 5 enemy ships headed our way!"
The captain turns to a sailor and says "Bring me my red shirt."  The sailor bring him his red shirt and the captain leads them into battle. The battle rages through the day, and the captains fierceness and cunning leads the crew and they sink the enemy ships and the whole crew survives.
After the battle the sailor approaches the captain and says "Sir, I must ask, before the battle you asked for a red shirt. Why?"  And the Captain says "If I am shot in battle, the crew will not see me bleed and will not be discouraged."  The sailor salutes his captain and leaves.
The next day the captain and his crew continue to sail. The crewman calls down from the lookout nest.
"Captain! 30 enemy ships coming or way!"
The captain turns to the sailor and says "Bring me my brown pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b5r9e/a_captain_takes_his_crew_into_battle/
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I'm addicted to brake fluid

But I can stop whenever I want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b5kch/im_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
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A lifeguard sees a physically handicapped child come up to the public pool.

So the lifeguard gets ready to jump in and make a rescue as he sees the kid clumsily put down his towel to go for a swim.
As soon as the handicapped boy touches the water, he starts swimming with athletic ease. Going one lap crawl, the other butterfly, back and forth , back and forth.
Lifeguard can't believe his eyes and starts timing him . Noticing he's practically beating world records.
So he decides to go up to the kid and ask how it's possible , while he tries to dry himself up with his arms all crooked.
So the kid replies, " well it's pretty simple. Everyday my father used to take me to the middle of the lake on his rowboat, and he'd throw me overboard and I'd have to swim back to shore"
Lifeguard replies "OMG, that must've been a very hard experience!?"
Kid quickly says, " wasn't that bad, the hard part was to swim back while trying to get out of the bag and dodging the paddle swings"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b5irj/a_lifeguard_sees_a_physically_handicapped_child/
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What don't homeless people get?

Knock knock jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b5gw6/what_dont_homeless_people_get/
%
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b5fu4/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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What's E.T. short for?

Because he's got really tiny legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b57hf/whats_et_short_for/
%
My girlfriend is a porn star

I really hope she never finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b56kk/my_girlfriend_is_a_porn_star/
%
What do you call a muscular Arab

A protein sheikh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b56af/what_do_you_call_a_muscular_arab/
%
What is it called when Batman abandons Gotham city?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b54ip/what_is_it_called_when_batman_abandons_gotham_city/
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A fat man wanted to lose some weight

So he goes to the fitness and asks what he can do to lose weight fast.
The clerck tells him about a very effective program and the prices:
* Lose 10 kg for $100
* Lose 20 kg for $200
* Lose 30 kg for $300
The man wasn't sure it will work so he bought the cheapest one. He was taken to room 1. He enters the door and he sees a beautifull woman with a sign around her neck saying: If you can catch me, you can Fuck me.
The man runs after her, and eventually catches her and fucks her. He goes out and weighs himself.
Boom! He has lost exactly 10 kg.
The next Day he comes back and chooses option 2 and is taken to room 2.
He enters the room and sees three very beautifull and fit women with a sign around their necks saying: If you can catch us, you can Fuck us.
The man chases Them and fucks Them.
He comes out and weighs himself.
Boom! He has lost 20 kg.
The next Day he comes back and chooses option 3. He Pays $300 and is taken to room 3.
He enters the room and sees a big gorilla with a sign around his neck, saying: If i catch you, i get to Fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b50hn/a_fat_man_wanted_to_lose_some_weight/
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Why does your blood rush to your head when you're upside down but not to your feet when you're right side up?

Your feet aren't empty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b4zig/why_does_your_blood_rush_to_your_head_when_youre/
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In honor of the 139th Anniversary of Custer at Little Big Horn

The leaders of New Rumley, Ohio wanted to have a mural painted for General Custer, who was born there in 1839.  They looked everywhere for an artist.  Finally, they found an amazing artist with a wonderful new style from (insert country that doesn't speak English here).  The only problem was that he didn't speak English well.  The town leaders spoke to him and he said that he would research Custer and create a beautiful mural.  So, they hired him and he got to work.
Finally, the big day of the reveal came and all the towns people showed up to see the mural.  When it was revealed, it was beautiful.  Custer on his horse sitting tall and proud.  But then at closer look there was a strange purple mist.  And all around were fornicating Native Americans.  The people were shocked.
The mayor asked him, "What the hell is this?"  He responded, "I based my mural on the last words of General Custer."  The mayor, baffled asked, "What were his last words?"  He replied, "Holy smoke, where did all these fucking Indians come from?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b4tm7/in_honor_of_the_139th_anniversary_of_custer_at/
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A real Picasso painting declared a forgery by a fake authenticator...

...is art officially artificial according to an artificial art official.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b4okj/a_real_picasso_painting_declared_a_forgery_by_a/
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What did the statistician say to the hooker as he pulled out his 5.2-inch manhood?

"I heard you suck a mean cock"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b4o27/what_did_the_statistician_say_to_the_hooker_as_he/
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Diet - day 1:

I have removed all bad food from the house…it was delicious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b4dtn/diet_day_1/
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This may be controversial to most people, but i feel it must be said. I FULLY support flying the rebel flag.

How else are we supposed to show our support and remembrance of the battle of Hoth, and our willingness to topple the empire and bring peace to the galaxy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b4dns/this_may_be_controversial_to_most_people_but_i/
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Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise.

Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?"
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
The wife is obviously upset: 'Did my husband say that ?'
Maria: 'No, Señora, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So, how much do you want?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b49kh/maria_a_maid_asks_her_boss_for_a_raise/
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What's the difference between a lobster with big boobs and a greyhound bus stop?

One is a crusty bus station, one is a busty crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b48mj/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with_big/
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Why doesn't George R.R Martin use Twitter?

Because he killed off all 140 characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b482u/why_doesnt_george_rr_martin_use_twitter/
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A man proposes to his girlfriend. She has one condition.

Syphilis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b43r3/a_man_proposes_to_his_girlfriend_she_has_one/
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The Panhandlers

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say"?
Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support'."
Jose says " No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says... "So what does your sign say"?
Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b43ny/the_panhandlers/
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"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" usually mean the same thing

...except at a funeral

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b3yfa/im_sorry_and_i_apologise_usually_mean_the_same/
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What concert ticket costs 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b3wot/what_concert_ticket_costs_45_cents/
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Loving Husband!

A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final.
He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.
MAN: “Who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?”
GUY: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
MAN: “Oh… that’s terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat. But these are expensive tickets; couldn’t you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?”
GUY: “No…they are all currently at her funeral!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b3sol/loving_husband/
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Ladies' High School Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine..
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .
Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b3r4n/ladies_high_school_reunion/
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Dining at the Mall.....

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is  66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My Dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response.
I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
"Got stoned once and screwed a Peacock. I was just wondering
if you were my daughter"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b3mle/dining_at_the_mall/
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An old man Goes Into a Bakery...

The girl behind the counter is wearing a very short skirt. A customer orders raisin bread, which means she has to grab a little step ladder and grab the loaf off the highest shelf. As she's going up the ladder, all the guys in the store realize they can now see up her skirt. So they all line up and start ordering raisin bread. This poor girl is running up and down the ladder over and over, and finally she gets to serve the old man. "Is yours a raisin too?" she asks, exasperated. "No," he says,  with a wink"but its a wigglin'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b3mbq/an_old_man_goes_into_a_bakery/
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Two medical students were

walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student  said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.  Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b3kt3/two_medical_students_were/
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The navy caught a pirate armada.

The admiral of the navy went to interrogate the pirate captain. He noticed that the captain was missing a leg, had a hook on a hand and was wearing an eyepatch. So he asked him the story behind them.
The pirate captain said, "I lost the hand 5 years ago, while fighting with the English army. So I used a hook in its place."
"What about the leg?"
"I lost the leg when a mutiny occured and my first mate fought me. I killed him and all the mutineers were executed, but lost the leg."
"I understand the hook and the leg, but why the eye patch?"
"That happened when I was strolling the deck and inspecting the activities, and a bird shit on my eye."
"You mean that you lost your eye due to bird shit?"
"No, it was my first day with the hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b3k0j/the_navy_caught_a_pirate_armada/
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Two women are standing on a bridge...

...one says, "You know what, Helen, I've always wanted to pee off this bridge just like men do."
The other woman says, "Go ahead there isn't anyone around."
So she goes over, drops her pants, sticks her ass over the edge and says, "Come here I'm gonna pee into that canoe."
The other woman walks over and says, "That isn't a canoe, that's your reflection."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b3jex/two_women_are_standing_on_a_bridge/
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A man goes to the bakery

He walks up to the baker and says he really needs a cake, a cake with the letter B on it. The baker says okay, I'm very busy around this time of year, so come back in a few days and your cake will be ready.
The guy leaves, comes back in a few days, and the baker says, "Here you are! A cake with a B in it!"  The guy looks at it and says, "Shit sorry I should have been more specific... I wanted a cake with a cursive B on it! I need a new one." The baker looks a bit annoyed, but agrees to make another one, once again telling him to come back in a couple days.
A couple days later, the guy returns. The baker sees him and says, "Here you are! A cake with a cursive B on it!" The guy looks at it and says, "Shit sorry again.... I need a cursive, lower case B! I need a new one." Even more annoyed, the baker again agrees to make a new one, telling him to come back in a couple days.
So in a couple days, the guy returns again. The baker sees him and says, "Here you go.. A cake with a CURSIVE, LOWERCASE B. Right?" The guy goes, "It's perfect! Just what I needed!"
The baker is relieved and says. "Great! Would you like a box?"
The guy goes, "No thanks, I'll just eat
it here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b3f8f/a_man_goes_to_the_bakery/
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I have the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the Baltimore Zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b3ceo/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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Grandma Knows...

A cup of tea made with cold water.
One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set'  as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I  brought him a little cup of "tea,' which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my  Grandma came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Grandma waited and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "Did it ever
occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the
toilet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b3b9o/grandma_knows/
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(not so) clever penguin

A newly hired magician is booked for his first gig- a 4 day cruise. The first night, he totally nails everything. Every trick done right, every cue nailed, and everyone has a great time. He does notice a penguin sitting in the front row of the auditorium though, and the whole night, the penguin doesn’t look away or blink- even once.
The second night, the magician starts his show, and the penguin is there. This time, the penguin gives away all of the magicians tricks…every trick, every cue- the penguin has figured it out. The audience can’t get enough of the penguin, and the magician finishes the show, furious, and goes to bed.
That night, the Cruise ship hits an iceberg, knocking the magician unconscious. When the magician awakens, he is floating on some driftwood, and there, next to him, is that damn penguin.
The penguin is staring at the magician, and continues to stare at him…without looking away or blinking, even once…in the 12 hours it takes the rescue crew to come and gather the survivors.
Finally, as they board the rescue ship, the penguin looks at the magician, and says-
“I give, what’d you do with the cruise ship? "
Edit 1: punctuation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b38ta/not_so_clever_penguin/
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A guy enters bar carrying an alligator

. Says to the patrons, “Heres a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b38k2/a_guy_enters_bar_carrying_an_alligator/
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I think Rachel Dolezal is misunderstood. . .

It turns out she's bi-Rachel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b2ygz/i_think_rachel_dolezal_is_misunderstood/
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So Kim Kardashian's arse is huge and has a lot of oil I wonder if America will invade it?

Oh wait, my bad, half of America already has

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b2tui/so_kim_kardashians_arse_is_huge_and_has_a_lot_of/
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Psychology vs Law

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b2svf/psychology_vs_law/
%
The badger

A husband and wife are driving home and run over a badger, they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband says,"Put it between your legs to warm it up."
The Wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks!"
Husband says "Well, hold its nose!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b2si2/the_badger/
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My physics professor fails any student turning in a report without a blue coversheet

After working on my report all night, I accidentally used a white coversheet in a sleepless stupor. When I got to class the next morning, I panicked and threw the report at him at close to the speed of light!
I got a B+

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b2llp/my_physics_professor_fails_any_student_turning_in/
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A young man is backpacking through Ireland...

When he decides to go to a bar in a small town. He sits down next to a native just sipping on his drink.
The native stops and says to the young man in a thick Irish accent "You see this bar here!" He said as he slammed his hand on the bar. "I built this bar with my own two hands. Board by board nail by nail but do they call me McGregor the bar builder? NO! You see that path out there. I built that path with my own two hands but do they call me McGregor the path builder? NO!"
Now the young man begins to listen closely thinking he is about to get a big word of wisdom from this wise man.
Continuing McGregor says "You see that Pier out there! I built that pier with my own two hands. I laid the wood perfectly so that the pier would withstand the strongest storm but do the call me McGregor the pier builder? NO!" He paused for a minute and the young man leaned in real close. "BUT YOU FUCK ONE GOAT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b2kvt/a_young_man_is_backpacking_through_ireland/
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What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b2j73/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
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A sandwich walks into a bar...

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b2gug/a_sandwich_walks_into_a_bar/
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Dad's definition of fucking shit bitches hoses!!!

One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”.  He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”. Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant.  His father promptly said “cooking”.  Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “bitches and hoes”.  He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”.  Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over. Timmy answered the door with glee and says: “Hey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your shit to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b2ddm/dads_definition_of_fucking_shit_bitches_hoses/
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My wife said,

"Why are you always pushing me around and talking behind my back?"
I said, "well, you are in a wheelchair".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b27y3/my_wife_said/
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Classic Eddie Murphy Joke:

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods
The bear turns to the rabbit and asks "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit offended replies "No I don't have a problem with shit sticking to my fur"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b27o1/classic_eddie_murphy_joke/
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Instead of "the John" I decided to start calling my bathroom "the Jim"

I needed to workout more. Now first thing in the morning I always go to the Jim!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b2709/instead_of_the_john_i_decided_to_start_calling_my/
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Panda Definition

A Panda Bear walks into a café and orders a
sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating,
the waiter comes over to bring him the check.
When the waiter arrives at the table, he just
starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the
Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun,
and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then
wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and
starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go
through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a
minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter!
Besides that, you didn't even pay for your
sandwich!'
The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the
throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a
PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why
don't you look it up!'
At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles
down the street. The manager, shaken, returns to
his office and consults a dictionary. He reads:
'panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain
forests related to raccoons and true bears and
characterized by bold black and white markings.
Eats shoots and leaves.'
Source : A joke book I read somewhere
-might be repost... I don't know, I'm new-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b241a/panda_definition/
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"I'm not sure I can do a Hadoken anymore," said Ryu.

"SUREYOUCAN!" replied his master.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b23cs/im_not_sure_i_can_do_a_hadoken_anymore_said_ryu/
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His cup doth runneth over

Some people think the cup is half full, some think the cup is half empty, I think the cup is an important piece of sporting equipment that doesn't need to have its content measured

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b2350/his_cup_doth_runneth_over/
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Bedroom animals

A pair of newlyweds are out for drinks with a middle-aged couple who have been married for twenty years.
Having knocked back a few, the older husband turns to the newlyweds and remarks with a wink: "I bet you two are like a couple of rabbits in the bedroom."
The newlyweds laugh awkwardly at this, and then the young husband asks "Well, what kind of bedroom animals are you two then?"
The older husband screws up his face and thinks about it for a moment, then exclaims wryly: "Don't know about me, but Margaret here would have to be a camel: she can go for weeks and weeks without sex."
Without missing a beat, Margaret replies: "That's funny because I was thinking George here would also be a camel: two humps and it's over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1zxm/bedroom_animals/
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Kids these days be like..

Hashtag, you're it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1yse/kids_these_days_be_like/
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A pregnant woman falls into a coma..

A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 6 months later she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Don't worry. You had twins, a boy and a girl and your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: That's not too bad. What about the boy?
Doctor: Denephew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1ww2/a_pregnant_woman_falls_into_a_coma/
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A Buddhist Monk goes into a pizza place...

and says "Make me one with everything"......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1wdx/a_buddhist_monk_goes_into_a_pizza_place/
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I am in the S&M period in my relationship

She sleeps, I masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1vmg/i_am_in_the_sm_period_in_my_relationship/
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What does an anorexic alcoholic have for lunch?

Three Olives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1qwx/what_does_an_anorexic_alcoholic_have_for_lunch/
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Blonde goes to the salon.

A blonde walked into a salon wearing huge headphones. When it was her turn to get her haircut, the hairdresser requested for her to remove her headphones. The blonde said it was very important for her to keep them on. The hairdresser complied and started cutting her hair. After a while she was having difficulties cutting her hair around and under the headphones, so she just decided to pull them off. The blond suddenly turned red, choked and fell to the floor The hairdresser was in utter shock on what just happened in front of her. Curious, she picked up the headphones and listened to it, to hear someone repeatedly saying the words "Breathe in....breathe out".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1prp/blonde_goes_to_the_salon/
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Two blondes on either side of a raging river

Two blondes are on either side of a raging river. The first blonde yells over to the other "how do you get to the other side?" The second blonde yells back "You are on the other side!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1pnb/two_blondes_on_either_side_of_a_raging_river/
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A man walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1pbk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?

It helps with division.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1osq/why_do_a_lot_of_math_nerds_wear_glasses/
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What has four wheels and flies

A Garbage truck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1nam/what_has_four_wheels_and_flies/
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Why do black guys do poorly in the army? Because when the commander yelled "GET DOWN!"

they all jumped up and started dancing.
(I struggled before posting this joke, even though I'm black and this was one of my dad's favorite jokes, because it's so easy to be called racist. I do believe there's a line, a mean-spirited tone or a constant targeting that's rightly called racist, but jokes are also just jokes sometimes, why so serious? IDK, it plays on a dumb stereotype to build a funny image... whatever, I'll hit the other races too, balance out the universe)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1lq5/why_do_black_guys_do_poorly_in_the_army_because/
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Capitalization is important...

It's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1k8b/capitalization_is_important/
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My wife's starsign was cancer, which makes how she died pretty ironic.

Attacked by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1gpi/my_wifes_starsign_was_cancer_which_makes_how_she/
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I didn't realize how religious the Japanese are.

Always asking me if I have a pray station at home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1evz/i_didnt_realize_how_religious_the_japanese_are/
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One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers...

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours.
After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did. The first nun says, ''I had sex with two men at one time.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'' The second nun tells the priest, ''I robbed a bank for $25,000.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''
The third nun tells the priest, ''I killed a woman that I have wanted dead all my life.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''
The priest said to the fourth nun, ''Okay, what sin did you commit.''
The fourth nun says, ''I pissed in the holy water.'''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1b52/one_day_four_nuns_are_called_to_the_priests/
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What do you call two obese lesbians who are about to turn in for the night?

Bedward ScissorHams

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b19kh/what_do_you_call_two_obese_lesbians_who_are_about/
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How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b15g9/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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What's the difference between Jesus and his portrait ?

His portrait only need one nail

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b142q/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_his/
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I once took out the trash for four straight months

Then we broke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b0wnv/i_once_took_out_the_trash_for_four_straight_months/
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How do you confuse a blind person?

Toss them a basketball and ask them to read it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b0wn3/how_do_you_confuse_a_blind_person/
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A man proposes to his girlfriend. She has one condition.

A man proposes to his girlfriend of one year. She says yes, but has one condition. "I will marry you but I want to get married in Minnesota," the woman says. "There, you can meet my family and we can have a beautiful ceremony. Only then can we consummate the marriage."  The woman, who is a virgin, says she has no experience with sex and wants her first time to be a memorable one. The man, because she is young and beautiful, obliges, and suggests they leave for Minnesota as soon as possible.
The next day, they got on a bus from New York. The only other passengers were members of a high school hockey team.
After 100 miles on the road, the bus breaks down and everyone has to get off the bus while it is repaired. While the man and woman wait, the man suggests the two go off into the woods and have a little fun since the bus won't leave for another hour. She is flattered, but says: "I think we should wait," and so they get back on the bus.
After another hundred miles, the bus breaks down again. Everyone gets off the bus and waits for it to be repaired. Again, the man asks his girlfriend to sneak off while they wait. "How about now?" he asks. "This journey is taking forever and I cannot wait any longer!" Flattered, she insists they wait until they arrive in Minnesota. Everyone soon gets back on the bus.
For a third time, the bus breaks down. The man figures it is not worth bothering his girlfriend a third time. "She might become annoyed and not want to marry me," he thinks. Suddenly, she takes his hand, brings him into the woods and she experiences her first time.
As they are walking back to the bus, the man cannot help but say: "That was wonderful. You are a skillful lover! But what made you change your mind about having your first time after the wedding?"
The women looks at him and says: "Well, the hockey team said 'By the time we get to Minnesota, the fucking season would be over.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b0upf/a_man_proposes_to_his_girlfriend_she_has_one/
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What would Jesus say if you angered him?

"I'm Crossed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b0u3g/what_would_jesus_say_if_you_angered_him/
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A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets!

He was arrested for attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b0sin/a_man_tried_to_keep_two_crows_illegally_as_pets/
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What is the best way to pass the time on Tatooine?

Watch the Dagobah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b0r4b/what_is_the_best_way_to_pass_the_time_on_tatooine/
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Do you think you are stupid?

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b0ntz/do_you_think_you_are_stupid/
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Why are Plumbers always so tired?

Because their job is draining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b0mu0/why_are_plumbers_always_so_tired/
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A mailman, a boy, and a unicorn walk into a bar.

The woman gets a concussion, some stitches, and a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b0iu0/a_mailman_a_boy_and_a_unicorn_walk_into_a_bar/
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The note

I came home from the golf course today, and found a note my wife had left on the refrigerator.
IT’S NOT WORKING.
I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
GONE TO STAY WITH MY SISTER
I opened the fridge.  The light came on.
The beer was cold.
What the HELL is she talking about?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b01h1/the_note/
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A Scotsman invented the first condom. It was made out of a sheep's intestine.

Not too long after, the British improved on it by first removing the intestine from the sheep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3azvik/a_scotsman_invented_the_first_condom_it_was_made/
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What is Mozart doing right now?

De-composing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3azs5i/what_is_mozart_doing_right_now/
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.  "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"  The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3azoew/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for/
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What do you call a wanderin' nun?

A Roamin' Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aznt2/what_do_you_call_a_wanderin_nun/
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Atoms are huge liars

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3azm12/atoms_are_huge_liars/
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I was once kicked out of fat camp

for being a little debbie downer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3azluq/i_was_once_kicked_out_of_fat_camp/
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School jokes

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic." Father: "Why?" Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!" Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'" Father: "What's the fucking difference?" Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3azkwt/school_jokes/
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Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.

"A lemon tree, Watson".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3azk7h/sherlock_was_gardening_when_watson_came_over_and/
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I'm recovering from necrophilia and beastiality...

I would tell you about it, but I'd be beating off a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3az87g/im_recovering_from_necrophilia_and_beastiality/
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Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,

chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over -women like that are hard to find.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3az7k8/earl_and_bubba_are_quietly_sitting_in_a_boat/
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Some random women stopped me in the street and started telling me a joke...

It had all the ingredients of a good joke: child abuse; incestual rape; tears and suffering; but I didn't understand the punchline. Something about £2 a month?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3az7aw/some_random_women_stopped_me_in_the_street_and/
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CLEARLY CHEATING

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.
Lorraine dies suddenly.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3az4uf/clearly_cheating/
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There was a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray

He's now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3az3hl/there_was_a_soldier_who_survived_mustard_gas_and/
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What's black and white and red all over?

Mimes in a chainsaw fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3az19l/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
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Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They pushed two twins together to make a king.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ayyzv/why_do_the_lannisters_have_such_big_beds/
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Just an old Bible

Jimmy had decided to take a year off before starting college and to hitchhike around Europe with his friend Billy. After several weeks he called his dad to get him to send them more money .
"It's been more expensive than I thought over here Dad", Jimmy told his dad. "We got to Germany and we were dead broke."
"Well, do you have any money to eat until I can get more money to you?" Dad asks.
"Yeah", jimmy replies. "We made a little money cleaning all the junk out of an old house for a guy. Man there were a lot of old papers and books and stuff in there. The guy said we could have anything of value we found, but it was all just junk."
"Oh?" Dad says. "You didn't find anything you could sell for a few Euros ?"
"Well, I almost kept this old bible that was in pretty good shape. It was really old. Published by some Gutenberg guy." Jimmy says .
"Son, that bible was worth hundreds of millions of dollars if it was in good shape!" Dad exclaims.
"Wow! Well, this one probably wasn't worth that much" , Jimmy replies. "Some guy named Martin Luther had scribbled all over the margins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ayrqh/just_an_old_bible/
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Crossword clue: F**k, used by Gordon Ramsay a lot more than the average person

Fork

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ayqsl/crossword_clue_fk_used_by_gordon_ramsay_a_lot/
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Books all over the floor.....

but I have only my shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ayqeh/books_all_over_the_floor/
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A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ayono/a_man_is_walking_through_the_woods/
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I saw Jesus going to the bathroom today.

Holy shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ayksf/i_saw_jesus_going_to_the_bathroom_today/
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Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ayhb6/pretty_soon_the_only_place_you_will_be_able_to/
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A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.

The bartender looks up and says: "Wow, have you got something to celebrate?", after which he poors the shots.
The man replies: "Yes, my first blowjob!" and takes the first shot.
Bartender: "Well, congratulations! Here, have another on the house!".
The man shakes his head and says: "Nah, thanks, but if these 10 won't get that horrible taste out of my mouth, I'm pretty sure the eleventh won't do the trick either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ay7c3/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_10_shots_of/
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The gift

"Brian, what's wrong with you? You've been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!"
"Oh Dan", responded Brian "I don't know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!"
"Brian, that's horrible!" said Dan putting his arm around Brian. "What type of a gift does she want already?"
"Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: Why don't you show me how much you care about me? Why can't you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!"
"Dan what should I do? I don't have that kind of money? I can't go out and buy her a car!"
"A car? Asked Dan. Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!`

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ay18h/the_gift/
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My Wife won't like it

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ay0bl/my_wife_wont_like_it/
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Mr. Bean and Einstein

were taking a coffee when Einstein challenges Mr. Bean to a knowledge challenge.
**Einstein**: here is the deal, Bean. I'll make you a question. If you don't know the answer you give me 1$. Then you ask me something and if I have no answers for you, I'll give you 1000$
**Mr. Bean**: Fine.
Einstein, sure of his upcoming success, proceeds to ask Bean his question.
**Einstein**: What's the basic of quantum physics?
**Mr. Bean**: ehm...
He gives Einstein $1.
**Einstein**: alright, it's your turn now.
**Mr. Bean**: What has four legs while crossing the street, five legs when sitting down and two legs while flying?
Einstein thinks once, twice... But he really can't come up with an answer so he gives Mr. Bean $1000.
But then...
**Einstein**: But what was the answer?
*Mr. Bean gives Einstein $1*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3axzwa/mr_bean_and_einstein/
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After a really good party

a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, You wanna hear a blonde joke?
The person replies, I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3axz8u/after_a_really_good_party/
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Two girls move into a dorm, one from Georgia and the other from Connecticut...

The girl from GA arrives to the dorm room and finds the CT girl with her parents hanging drapes. The GA girl says "Hi, y'all! Where y'all from?" The CT girl, in a snobbish northeast attitude replies, "We're from a place where we don't end sentences in prepositions." The GA smiles politely and responds, "Beg my pardon. Where y'all from...cunt?"
Props to House of Cards for this joke, although I'm sure it's been done before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3axyek/two_girls_move_into_a_dorm_one_from_georgia_and/
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Did you know that God is rich?

Yeah, back in Israel he made a prophet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3axra3/did_you_know_that_god_is_rich/
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Nudist colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite
blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You
must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get
an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to
the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls
him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge,
horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?"
says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it
is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted
by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The
man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back,
and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the
chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady,
I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times
a day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3axqkr/nudist_colony/
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Two Redneck

Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching
rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement.
A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about $10,000 dollars in
prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".
Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 4" giant with a brain the size of a pea,
and got an idea. He told Bubba, "I bet you could beat that guy. He
doesn't look so rough, and you're no wimp." Bubba thought about it for
a minute and agreed that he probably could.
The next weekend Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the
tournament was being held and signed Bubba up. An old man came over
and started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Jake,
seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips. The
old man looked up to Bubba and said, "Just you watch out for his
pretzel hold. Ain't nobody ever gotten out that thing."
One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back,
balled up and hurting. Two hours after they arrived, it was finally
Bubba's turn. In the ring, right before the bell rang,
Bubba looked back at Jake and said, "Don't worry, buddy. I can avoid
that pretzel thing." But not ten seconds after he had gotten up in
the ring, The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of Bubba, and
the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten.
Jake screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms. He was
pissed. He had just shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest,
and it didn't last 20 seconds. But right before he got to the door,
the crowd went wild! Jake ran back to the ring to see Bubba with one
foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one arm raised in the air by
the referee. Jake ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba. The crowd was out of control, and Jake and Bubba were $10,000 richer!
Later in the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba that he didn't see what had happened. Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel
hold and I thought all was lost. I hurt like I'd never hurt before,
and all I could hear was the ref slamming his hand down and counting to ten. Then I looked up, and front of me was this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose and figured it might even help. So I
stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I could on those
things."
"Jake," Bubba said. "You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets
when he bites down on his own balls!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3axop4/two_redneck/
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A wet bet

A man walks from the billiard table to the bar in a pub. He says to the bartender with confidence: "I like to make a bet, that I can piss in a glass 5 meters(16 feet) across the room without spilling one drop!". The bartender laughs out loud and asks jokily: "Well how much will the bet be?" "500 euro's", he shows the bartender the money and the bartender says " Deal!".
The man unzips his pants and starts pissing, he pisses on the bar, on the chairs, on the ground and even on the bartender, everywhere except in the glass 5 meters across. The bartender and the man both laughing their asses off. Then the bartender asks the man: "Why are you laughing, you're 500 euro's poorer!" "Well, I just made a bet with that man at the billiard table, that I will piss on everything here and that you will just laugh about it for 750 euro's!"
Ps. English is not my native language, so be please gentle about grammar and such!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3axjsg/a_wet_bet/
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Why shouldn't you make jokes about dwarves giving fellatio?

It's a bit of a low blow...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3axic9/why_shouldnt_you_make_jokes_about_dwarves_giving/
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My friends joke he made up!!

Why can you ask a NewZealander how many sexual partners they have had?
Because he would fall asleep counting all the sheep.
(Btw we are Australian sooo)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3axhre/my_friends_joke_he_made_up/
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[NSFW] A Pole, a Russian and a German set a bet with the devil

They claim that within half a year each would set up a shop that would have everything in it.
When the time passes, the devil visits the Russian and sees a nice big shopping mall with lots of stores in it. The devil nods in appreciation:
"Nice shop you have here, Nikolai. You sure you have anything I want?
"Da", the Russian responds.
"Give me 10 pounds of nothing, then."
"Of nothing? But how? I cannot give you nothing..."
The devil smiles and takes the Russian to hell.
Next the devil visits the German. He sees a huge market, pretty much a size of a city. He is impressed by the sheer view of it but still he decides to test the guy.
"Hey, Sven! Are you sure I can get anything I can think of in your beautiful place?"
"Ja, du kannst."
"Give me ten pounds of nothing, then."
The German stares at the devil, confused. He scratches his head and tells the devil that nothing is not something. The devil smiles and takes the German to hell.
Finally the devil goes to visit the Pole. He sees a small wooden cabinet, already partially rotten. He opens the door which fall off in the process and sees a Pole sitting inside reading a magazine.
"Hello, Pole. Do you remember about our bet?"
"Yes, I do. Ask away."
"OK. I would like you to give me 10 pounds of nothing."
The Pole looks around, intrigued.
"Look, devil... What do you see in here?"
"Well... Nothing, really."
"Then take 10 pounds and fuck off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3axhof/nsfw_a_pole_a_russian_and_a_german_set_a_bet_with/
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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money...(NSFW)

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money sitting on the bar. He asks the bartender "Whats with the jar of money?". The bartender says "I have a horse in the back and for $1 you can go back and try to make him laugh, if he does all the money is yours". The man pays his dollar, goes in back and a minute later the horse is rolling with laughter, the man takes his money and is on his way.
A couple weeks later the man comes back and there's another jar of money sitting on the bar. "What's the deal this time?" he asks. The bartender says "If you can make my horse cry the money is yours." So the man goes in back and sure enough the horse starts crying uncontrollably. The bartender, baffled, asked the man how he did it.
The man says "Well, the first time I came in here I told your horse that I had a bigger dick than him, This time I proved it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ax9uy/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_a_jar_full_of/
%
Two buddies go duck hunting...

Two buddies go duck hunting. They had been hunting for a while when one had to take a dump. So he leans his shotgun up against a fence and goes over to take care of business. Suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along. It blows his shotgun over and it accidentally discharges and shoots him right in the crotch! His buddy freaks out and loads him up in the pickup and starts speeding toward town and the nearest hospital. They finally get him into surgery and he's there for almost four hours. When he wakes up he starts calling for the doctor. The doctor finally comes in and the guy said, "Doc, am I going to O.K.?" The doctor said, "Well, there was a lot of buckshot damage. I was able to repair most of it, but now I think you need to see my brother." The guy said, "Oh, is your brother a doctor, too?" The doctor said, "No, he's a flute player, but he can show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye!"
(Sorry- I don't have a source for this, but thank you whoever out there made me cry laughing the first time I heard this joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ax7nu/two_buddies_go_duck_hunting/
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The man and the cat

A man's wife leaves for a week to visit friends across country.  She leaves him food for the week and instructs him to keep the house clean and feed the cat.  After 3 days away, the woman calls and asks him how everything is going.
Wife: How is everything?
Husband: Pretty good but the cat died 3 days ago.
Wife: What? And you wait till now to tell me?  No call that day?  You could have called me each day and broke it to me easy, I loved that cat.
On day one you could say the cat was up on the roof and fell off but looks ok.  Day two he's at the vet they said he's not doing well and then today tell me he died.
"God you are so insensitive, how is my mother?  Did you kill her too?"
Husband:  Nah, she was up on the roof i think i just heard her fall off, ill take her to the vet tomorrow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ax4ab/the_man_and_the_cat/
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I don't understand why certain people don't get communist jokes

All it takes is a little common sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ax310/i_dont_understand_why_certain_people_dont_get/
%
What did the pirate name his pet clam?

Michelle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3awyd3/what_did_the_pirate_name_his_pet_clam/
%
Roses are brown, Violets are brown..

Who the fuck took a shit in my garden?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3awt43/roses_are_brown_violets_are_brown/
%
What does a mentally challenged Time Lord use for travel?

A retardis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3awpit/what_does_a_mentally_challenged_time_lord_use_for/
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You know, I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went....

then it dawned on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3awogm/you_know_i_stayed_up_all_night_wondering_where/
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Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11?

**One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!**
First front page ever! Woo!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3awn7o/did_you_know_2_x_10_is_the_same_as_2_x_11/
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Scientists have found that dogs and humans share much of the same dna.

This explains why my wife's a bitch, my kids hate baths and, if I could, I'd lick my own balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3awn1t/scientists_have_found_that_dogs_and_humans_share/
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And then the penguin says to the bartender,

this *is* my most casual outfit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3awmt1/and_then_the_penguin_says_to_the_bartender/
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How do you get a blonde on your roof?

Tell her drinks are on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3awm3y/how_do_you_get_a_blonde_on_your_roof/
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My penis is so polite.....

.....it stands up to give ladies a place to sit down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3awkxl/my_penis_is_so_polite/
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What do you call a woman drowning in money?

Rich...
Also an ambulance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3awf9b/what_do_you_call_a_woman_drowning_in_money/
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This Vietnamese couple I knew got married...

Luckily for them they shared the same last name so it wasn't a big hassle for either of them. It was a Nguyễn-Nguyễn situation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3awegi/this_vietnamese_couple_i_knew_got_married/
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What do you call someone who only tells knock-knock jokes?

A Jehovah's Witness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aw9nf/what_do_you_call_someone_who_only_tells/
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I bought a Chris Brown's greatest hits album.

It was just a bunch of Rihanna songs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aw678/i_bought_a_chris_browns_greatest_hits_album/
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How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Lets go ride bikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aw5yv/how_many_kids_with_add_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
A man walks into a bar and makes a bet with a bartender.

"I'll show you a trick, and if you think the trick is good enough, you give me a drink on the house." The bartender, having had a pretty boring day, accepts.
The man takes a rat out of his pocket and an equally tiny piano out of his other pocket. He sets the piano on the bar, and the rat jumps up and begins to play "The Entertainer".
The bartender is amazed and happily gives the man a free drink. After finishing, the man makes another bet: "If I show you an even better trick, will you put my entire tab for the night on the house as well?"
The bartender accepts again, thinking that there was no way that the man could produce a better trick. He proceeds to pull a bullfrog out of his pants pocket and sets it down next to the rat. The rat begins to play a different song, and the bullfrog starts to sing along in a crystal clear voice. The bartender is once again amazed, and agrees to pay for the man's drinks for the rest of the night.
An hour later, the man is enjoying his free drinks when a stranger comes up to the man and offers to buy the bullfrog for $100,000. "Sorry, he's not for sale," replies the man. The stranger offers to pay $500,000, and the man reluctantly sells the bullfrog and takes the money. The stranger leaves with glee, and the bartender is furious.
"That frog could've been worth millions of dollars to you, maybe even billions, but you sold it off for a mere five hundred thousand dollars!"
The man smiles and takes a sip of his drink.
"Don't worry, the frog doesn't mean that much to me. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aw2cy/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_makes_a_bet_with_a/
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What do you call a gender reassigned person who has a baby?

Transparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aw1u4/what_do_you_call_a_gender_reassigned_person_who/
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"Was I adopted?"

"Yes. But they brought you back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3avyfs/was_i_adopted/
%
Why is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?

Because if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3avu0u/why_is_having_fun_with_a_prostitute_like_bungee/
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Some women are never satisfied.

Last night i gave my girlfriend the biggest orgasm of her life. What did she do,  spit it out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3avpnh/some_women_are_never_satisfied/
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A Physicist Gets Into A Car Accident

A surfer dude approaches the shattered driver's-side window and asks, "Are you hurt, man?  The driver replies, "No, I'm Feynman".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3avo1x/a_physicist_gets_into_a_car_accident/
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A Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
H e sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3avm7l/a_baptist_cowboy/
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A dude goes to the doctor , the doctor says "sir you have to stop masturbaiting "

the patient asks why?
The doctor goes "cause i'm trying to examine you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3avlsf/a_dude_goes_to_the_doctor_the_doctor_says_sir_you/
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Three russian sons set out to prove their manliness by wrestling bears.

The first son returns, sits down and says "father I travelled to vladivastok forest and wrestled a black bear whilst topless"
The father shakes his head and says "you are no son of mine. Leave now"
The second son returns home and says " father I travelled to the forests of poland and wrestled 5 bears whilst in my boxer shorts".
The father sighs and says
" You are a girly man. But you are my son"
The third son returns, stands opposite his father and says
"I wrestled twenty bears whilst naked.The astonished father leaps up, embraces his son and asks.
"Excellent son you are a true man! But where did you go?"
"San Francisco"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3avkex/three_russian_sons_set_out_to_prove_their/
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People claim they're into

recycling, but just watch their faces when you rinse out a condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3avjyk/people_claim_theyre_into/
%
How do painters stay warm?

They add another coat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3avjxy/how_do_painters_stay_warm/
%
Where do American bees store their honey?

In a USBee hive.
~Thank my ten year old for that one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3avjpm/where_do_american_bees_store_their_honey/
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Stupidest boy in the world.

A barber is cutting a man's hair when a boy walks in. The barber chortles and tells the boy to come to him and tells the man, "Look here, this is the stupidest boy in the world." He held out in one hand a quarter and in the other a dollar. "Here, pick whichever one you want." The boy takes the quarter and leaves.
"What did I tell you?' he says to the man, "Stupidest boy in the world."
As the man leaves, he sees the boy sitting on the stairs. Curious about the boys decision, he asks him, "Why did you choose the quarter over the dollar? Clearly, the dollar is worth more."
The boy looks up and slowly smiles.
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3avi8u/stupidest_boy_in_the_world/
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A man escapes from a prison

where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3avi0t/a_man_escapes_from_a_prison/
%
A goose is flying over the border between the US and Canada...

A goose is flying over the border between the US and Canada. You can hear two shots and the bird falls to the ground. Two hunters arrive at the same time to find the bird lying right on the border and they immediately start arguing about who shot the bird and who should be able to keep it.
Finally, the Canadian hunter comes up with a suggestion: "You know what: We'll settle this like real men. We'll kick each other in the balls until one of us gives up. The tougher man may have the bird."
The American hunter agrees and the Canadian tells him to spread his legs, takes a run and kicks him in the crown jewels with the power of a thousand suns. His opponent drops to the floor crying and lies there for a while suffering and holding his privates.
After some time, the American hunter get's up and says: "Alright, my turn. Now I'll kick you in the nuts!"
to which the Canadian asks: "What? Why?"
- "So, we can figure out who gets the goose!"
"Oh, right... " he answers "...don't worry - you can have that stupid bird." as he turns around and starts strolling back into the woods.
(Sorry, I'm from Europe and figured I better adjust the joke to increase the numer off people that will be offended.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3avbjl/a_goose_is_flying_over_the_border_between_the_us/
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The Pope and Colonel Sanders

When KFC sales hit a lean patch, Colonel Sanders came up with a brilliant advertising idea.
He got in touch with the Pope and asked the pontiff whether he could change the words of the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day a daily bread" to "Give us this day a daily chicken."
"I can't possibly do that," said the Pope.
"Not even for 100,000 dollars?" asked the Colonel.
"No, not for 100,000 dollars," replied the Pope.
Six months on and KFC sales were declining still further. The Colonel was getting desperate and made another call to the Pope. This time he offered 500,000 dollars for the words of the Lord's Prayer to be changed to "Give us this day a daily chicken."
Again the Pope refused, "I can't possibly change the wording of the Lord's Prayer from bread to chicken," he repeated.
Another 6 months and KFC sales had reached an all time low. The company was in danger of going out of business. Colonel Sanders made one last attempt to persuade the Pope to change the wording of the Lord's Prayer.
"I'll donate 50 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the word 'bread' to 'chicken' in the Lord's Prayers."
"That's a lot of money," conceded the Pope.
"So you'll do it?"
"I'll have to discuss it with the cardinals."
So the Pope called a meeting of the cardinals.
He began, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, KFC is going to donate 50 million dollars to Vatican. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3av79u/the_pope_and_colonel_sanders/
%
George and the Dragon

A vagabond in 18th century England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."
He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3av4b5/george_and_the_dragon/
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Little Johnny

was on the bus headed to school one day and sitting by his best lady friend, Janey.
Being curious children, Janey couldn't handle her curiosity any more and finally asked Johnny, "Johnny, what's a penis?"
Johnny, being young and just as innocent, replied, "I don't know Janey. I'll ask my dad when I get home today."
So later that day after school, Johnny went to his dad and asked him. "Dad, what's a penis", he said. His dad laughed a little bit and didn't really know what to do. Finally his dad said, "You know what Johnny, I could tell you, but instead, I'll show you."
So his dad took him to the bathroom, pulled down his pants, and revealed himself to his son. "This is a penis Johnny", he said. "Not only is it a penis, but it is the perfect penis", he boasted proudly.
Johnny was happy because he finally knew what a penis was and could share the news with Janey.
The next day on the bus, Johnny told Janey, "I asked my dad and finally found out what a penis is". Janey was equally excited to find out. "Tell me!", she said.
Johnny smiled and said, "Well Janey, I could tell you, but instead, I'll show you". So Johnny pulled down his pants and revealed himself to Janey.
"This is a penis, Janey", he continued, "Not only that, but if it were a little smaller, it would be the perfect penis".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3av1vd/little_johnny/
%
Did you hear about the man who found a dollar in his beer?

It happened once in a Blue Moon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3av11d/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_found_a_dollar_in/
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A Young Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to New York and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Kid says, "One."
Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
Kid says "$201,237.64.
Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3auz5g/a_young_salesman/
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What is the name of Apple's revolutionary new product that allows elite pirates to see from their eyepatches.

The iEyeCaptain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3auxwb/what_is_the_name_of_apples_revolutionary_new/
%
What do you call a British circle jerk?

A Union Jack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3auqev/what_do_you_call_a_british_circle_jerk/
%
What was an elephant doing on the freeway?

About 5 miles per hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aumqa/what_was_an_elephant_doing_on_the_freeway/
%
The 10 Commandments

So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.
First he goes to the French and says:
"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"
"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"
"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"
"Oh, non, non, merci, non", and they send the Angel on his way.
The Angel then goes to the Germans:
"I have new Commandments from God."
"Ja? Vat do they say?"
"Well for example: Thou shalt not kill"
The Germans shake their heads, "I think's not, nein, danke!"
The Angel, perturbed, goes to the Jews and says:
"I have new Commandments from God..."
"How much?"
"Well...they're free"
"We'll take ten."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3auhkq/the_10_commandments/
%
Four equally qualified applicants interview for a job position...

...and the interviewer says to them all, "I'm glad you have all made it this far, and honestly I didn't expect all four of you to impress me as much as each of you did. However, you can't all get the job. This final interview will decide who gets the job. I will ask you all the same question, and whoever has the best response gets the job."
All of the applicants look at each other and then back at the interviewer. With one final nod to all four of them, he begins the final interview.
"Your final question is..." the interviewer says, "...what is the fastest thing in the universe?"
The first applicant sat for no more than a minute to think about his answer. Finally he says, "A thought! We have thousands a day, and they are so quick, you don't even realize that you are thinking about something sometimes."
The interviewer repeats the question to the next person.
The second applicant, after short deliberation, says, "A blink! Much like thoughts, we have several thousand per day and we barely recognize its happening. It has to be so quick that it can stop anything from harming your eye in an instant."
The interviewer repeats the question to the next person.
The third applicant says confidently, "Light. The speed of light it so fast that humans literally cannot reach it ever. It's hard to even fathom the speed of light, but it when you walk into a room and flick on a light it seems instantaneous."
The interviewer, very impressed by the level of thought that each of the applicants has given with their responses, turns to the final applicant and says, "Well, what do you think is the fastest thing in the universe?"
Almost immediately the fourth applicant says, "Diharrea."
Confused and taken aback, the interviewer says, "Well I don't know what you could possibly mean by that, but do you care to explain yourself?"
The final applicant nods and explains, "Diharrea is the quickest thing in the universe because before you can even think, blink, or turn on a fuckin' light, you've already shit your pants."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3auf3c/four_equally_qualified_applicants_interview_for_a/
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What do you call Jews with HIV?

Financial AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aucmj/what_do_you_call_jews_with_hiv/
%
I lost my mood ring.

I don't know how I feel about that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aubkw/i_lost_my_mood_ring/
%
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3auabw/how_many_alzheimers_patients_does_it_take_to/
%
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap.

Dirty bastards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3au9b3/thieves_broke_into_my_house_and_stole_everything/
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My new housemate is French...

My new housemate is French. Last night when he got home I said, "Nice to know you're from France.. My favourite place is North of France, actually.."
"Let me guess," he said, "Lille.. Arras.. or maybe C&ocirc;te d'Opale?.."
"No, England." I replied.
Source:
http://www.sickipedia.org/racism/french/my-new-housemate-is-french-last-night-when-he-got-1644723 #Sickipedia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3au9ao/my_new_housemate_is_french/
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At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...

... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.
"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"
"Because I just imagined dad holding up the bank with my violin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3au8sz/at_the_3rd_grade_violin_rehearsal/
%
A woman and a man are involved in a bad car accident.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly, neither one of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet, be lovers, and live together in peace for the rest of our days.'
The man replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine to celebrate our good fortune.'
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it to the woman. Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3au49v/a_woman_and_a_man_are_involved_in_a_bad_car/
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Translated from Russian

So a guy walks into a barber shop and gets his hair cut. After he's done, he brings his kid in and asks the barber to cut his kids hair while he goes and gets a newspaper.
The barber cuts the kids hair, and a few hours pass. The barber comes to the kid and asks, "Hey boy, where the hell is your father?"
The kid replies "Father? That guy's not my father, he just came to me on the street and asked me if I want a free haircut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3au29k/translated_from_russian/
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A man goes to the library and asks for a book

A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on small penises. After checking the computer, the librarian replies, "I don't think it's in yet." He looks at her and says, "Yeah that's the one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3atyxq/a_man_goes_to_the_library_and_asks_for_a_book/
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What does a Mexican use to cut pizza with?

Little Caesars!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3atui9/what_does_a_mexican_use_to_cut_pizza_with/
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Why do midgets love playing soccer?

The grass tickles their balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3atsr8/why_do_midgets_love_playing_soccer/
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Why did the phone wear glasses?

Because he lost all of his contacts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3atseh/why_did_the_phone_wear_glasses/
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A Trip to China

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.”
The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!”
The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!”
“Oh, Thank God!,” the man replies.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “you no worry! Wait two weeks... it fall off by itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3atnqh/a_trip_to_china/
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Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3atnbe/trumpets_and_guns/
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I went to the zoo the other day...

They only had a dog. It was a Shih Tzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3atn8t/i_went_to_the_zoo_the_other_day/
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A boy is selling fish on a corner

. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3atmdi/a_boy_is_selling_fish_on_a_corner/
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SHERLOCK HOLMES WAS CAMPING WITH DR. WATSON

Sherlock Holmes was camping with Dr. Watson…
…and Mr. Holmes turned to his assistant: Tell me, Watson, what do you see?
Watson was puzzled by the remark, but he looked up and said, “Stars. Millions and millions of them.”
Holmes responded: “I agree. And Dr. Watson, certainly you have picked up on many of my techniques of deduction. Can you deduce something from what you see here?”
Dr. Watson looked at Mr. Holmes and said, “Well, I’m not as good as you are, by any stretch, but why not. I deduce that from these millions of stars, there must be at least one planet not unlike ours which supports intelligent life. I deduce that the universe is vast beyond measure, and that all of humanity is naught but a speck in the grandness of the cosmos. I deduce that someday mankind will explore these uncharted realms and be basked in the greatness of the universe.”
Mr. Holmes nods through all of this. “Anything else you can deduce?”
Watson is a little taken aback, and responds “Is there something that comes to mind for you?”
Holmes turns to his assistant, looks him dead in the eye, and states: “Watson you dunderhead; someone stole our tent.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3atks9/sherlock_holmes_was_camping_with_dr_watson/
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[NSFW] A baby was born with no eye lids. .

So they used the skin from his circumcision to make them.
They said he'll be alright, just a little  cockeyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3atiql/nsfw_a_baby_was_born_with_no_eye_lids/
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The Kayak Accident

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about
your wife”, said one of the troopers.
“Tell me! Did you find her?”, Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news
first.”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay .”
“Oh my God!”, exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”
The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12
twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, then
what’s the great news?”
The trooper replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3atf8t/the_kayak_accident/
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-Where is your wife ?

-In the garden.
-But I don't see her.
-Oh, you just have to dig a little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3at37q/where_is_your_wife/
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A Roman walk into a bar

A Roman walks into the bar, hold up 2 fingers and say '5 beer please'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3at2g2/a_roman_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do Pizzas and parents have in common?

.. if they are black, you have nothing to eat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3at228/what_do_pizzas_and_parents_have_in_common/
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What starts with an 'M', ends with 'arriage', and recently made me the happiest man alive?

Miscarriage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3at120/what_starts_with_an_m_ends_with_arriage_and/
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I hate eating vegetables.

The wheelchair doesn't go down easy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3asy8o/i_hate_eating_vegetables/
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So they're coming out with a new $10 bill featuring a woman.

But it's only worth $7.70.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3asu35/so_theyre_coming_out_with_a_new_10_bill_featuring/
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Why didn't Greece vote for Tyrion?

Because a Lannister always pays his debts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3asmn1/why_didnt_greece_vote_for_tyrion/
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Maury wants to win the lottery

Each night before bed, Maury, a very pious jewish man, would kneel by his bed and pray to the Lord. "Lord, please let me win the lottery."  Night after night he knelt, prayed to the lord, with no results the following day.  Years went by, decades passed, each night the same prayer to God, "Lord, please let me win the lottery."  One particular night, Maury knelt, prayed, then paused.  "Lord, I am a devout Jew, I go to temple each week, why have you forsaken me and not granted me my only wish in this life?"  The heaven's parted, and the voice of God boomed down from the heavens, "MAURY, YOU HAVE TO BUY A FUCKING TICKET!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aslra/maury_wants_to_win_the_lottery/
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My doctor told me to stay away from cocaine...

So I bought a 100 ft straw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3asloy/my_doctor_told_me_to_stay_away_from_cocaine/
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Two nuns are driving down a rural country road, when a vampire jumps onto the roof of the car.

It starts clawing at the roof and trying to get in. The nun driving says to the nun in the passenger seat, "Lean out the window and show him your cross!", so the nun in the passenger seat rolls down the window, leans out and yells "GET THE FUCK OFF OF THE CAR!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3asll2/two_nuns_are_driving_down_a_rural_country_road/
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Why is Ireland the richest country in the world?

Because the capital is always Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3asjzb/why_is_ireland_the_richest_country_in_the_world/
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Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3asjyl/father_when_abe_lincoln_was_your_age_he_walked_9/
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I came across the most beautiful girl i've ever seen today at the supermarket..

She wasn't the least bit happy, even after I offered to clean it all up and buy her a new top..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3asjvr/i_came_across_the_most_beautiful_girl_ive_ever/
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I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory. He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later.

He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3asjj7/i_had_an_uncle_who_worked_at_a_whiskey_factory_he/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it. Bahaha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ashv0/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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A man walks into a strip club...

And sits down at the runway.  He watches for a bit, and then the strippers start to make their rounds.  One sits in his lap.  "Would you like a dance?" She asks.  Why not, the man thinks, "let's go!"
The stripper guides him to the lapdance area.  While there, she asks if he wants to go to the champagne room, and she whispers in his ear, "$50 for a blow job, $100 for sex, $200 for The Secret!"
"What's The Secret?"  The man asks.  His curiosity is piqued, you see.  "You'll have to find out," she says.  What the hell, he thinks.  "Ok, let me have The Secret."  She takes him to the champagne room, and says, "There's one rule.  The lights have to be out."  OK, he thinks.  And she turns the light out.  A few seconds go by, and he feels her start to give him a blowjob.  Feels like a normal blowjob, he thinks.  But then...
The stripper starts singing!  Full on opera, while she's blowing him.  How is she doing this?  He finishes, she turns the light on, and he says "how'd you do that?"  The stripper smiles coyly and says, "That's The Secret!"
The man leaves.  How did she do it?  The question gnaws at him.  The next evening, he returns.  He tracks her down, and says, "I want The Secret again."  Same story-- this time, however, she sings "What does the Fox say?"  Distracting choice of song, but still doesn't answer the question.  The light goes on, he offers to give he another $200 for the answer.  "My little secret!" The stripper says.
Now the man is angry.  he's being made a fool, he thinks to himself.  So he goes back the next day, angrily hands her $200, and says "The Secret!"  Back to the room they go.  But he has a plan this time, you see.  Same story- lights go off, she starts blowing him, and she starts singing Moon River.  As soon as she starts, though, he flips the light on.
And there, sitting on the table next to them, was a glass eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3asayh/a_man_walks_into_a_strip_club/
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I'm hosting a support group for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3as8yb/im_hosting_a_support_group_for_people_who/
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A Mom is driving with her 7-year old daughter.

They are following a garbage truck, when a dildo flies out and hits the windshield. The little girl asks, "Mom, what was that?" Mom, being embarrassed, says "Oh honey, it was just a bug." "Wow!", says the little girl, "It sure had a big dick!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3as6hz/a_mom_is_driving_with_her_7year_old_daughter/
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I was told I was addicted to cocaine, but I can assure you I am definitely not.

I just love the way it smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3as4w0/i_was_told_i_was_addicted_to_cocaine_but_i_can/
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TIL Supreme Court judge kidnapped by cannibals in the Caribbean!

Justice was served.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3as36x/til_supreme_court_judge_kidnapped_by_cannibals_in/
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A part of me likes watching women's soccer more than men's.

That part is my penis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3as2xz/a_part_of_me_likes_watching_womens_soccer_more/
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Thor

goes out for a ride on his mighty war horse.
He rides all morning and afternoon until as the sun sets he is sat on the top of the highest mountain overlooking his entire domain.
He stands up on the horse and shouts "I AM THOR" and as his voice echoes through the valleys his horse replies:
"That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3as181/thor/
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What do you call an apathetic Russian?

A So-be-it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3arzqr/what_do_you_call_an_apathetic_russian/
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Luig' and the hairy woman NSFW

(Told to me in a very poor Italian accent.)
An Italian man is talking to his friend Luig'.
Italian man: "Luig', you like'a the women with the hairy arms?"
Luig': "No."
Italian man: "Luig', you like'a the women with the mustache?"
Luig':  "No."
Italian man: "Luig', you like'a the women with the big hairy muff?"
Luig': "No."
Italian man:  "Then why are you fucking my wife?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3arsqt/luig_and_the_hairy_woman_nsfw/
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Received a call from a recruitment consultancy.

She said to me: “Sir I have two openings for you…!”
I replied : Yes. I know.
There was a long silence and then she said… Asshole!
Then I said, I prefer the other one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ars85/received_a_call_from_a_recruitment_consultancy/
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The sad scotsman

A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub where he goes to get a pint of beer, and the only other patron there is an old man nursing a beer at the bar. And they drink in silence for a little bit. Suddenly the old man lifts his head and he goes, "You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands. Found the finest wood in the county. Used the carpentry skills you've seen the likes of not like since Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour. But do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No!"
He puts his head back down. He start to listen again. He points to the window. "You see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands. Picked every rock, placed it just so, through the rain and the cold, but do they call me McGregor the stone wall builder? No!"
He points at another window. You see the pier on the lake out there? I built that pier with my bare hands, drove the pilings against the tide through the sand, plank by plank, but do they call me McGregor the pier builder? No!"
He looks around. "But you fuck one goat..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3arr3q/the_sad_scotsman/
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How do you spell Canada?

C-Eh?-N-Eh?-D-Eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3arptu/how_do_you_spell_canada/
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Dark humor is like food

Only some people get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3arn7z/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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So a man decides to become a monk

He moves into a monastery and takes a vow of silence. After a year passes, the leader speaks to him and says:
"My son, you have not said a word for an entire year. If you have anything to say, you may now speak!"
He says: "The food sucks!"
The leader sighs and turns away. Another year passes, and the leader approaches him again.
"My son, you have only said three words in two years. If you have anything to say, please speak now!"
He says: "The beds are hard!"
This time, the leader is especially angered. A third year passes, and the leader approaches him once again.
"My son, you have only said seven words in-"
The young monk interrupts him.
"I quit!"
The leader laughs lightly, smiles and replies:
"Good riddance, all you've done since you got here is *complain complain complain!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3arn5h/so_a_man_decides_to_become_a_monk/
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Family Reunion...

So a whole huge family is at their annual reunion. The oldest living member of the family "Great Granny" is sitting in a big comfy recliner off to the side so the children don't bother her. Suddenly the 98 year old leans over to the left. Uncle Bill rushes over and straightens her up saying "Dont worry Great Granny, let me help you." Minutes later she leans to the right and has a very intense look on her face. Cousin Tommy rushes over and props her back up and puts a pillow behind her, pats her on the head, and walks off. Yet again a few minutes late Great Granny is leaning to the left again. This time with a look of pain and urgency in her eyes. Grand daughter Kimmy leaps over and sots her straight. "Watch out Great Granny!" She said.
Great Granny finally stopped leaning and sat there with a grumpy expression for a while. Her youngest nephew finally arrives (late as usual) and walks up to her to say hello. "How are you feeling Great Granny?"
Without much pause Great Granny looks up at him and says "None of the bastards will let me fart!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3armpz/family_reunion/
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I saw a really funny joke on /r/Jokes a while back

Quite a while back actually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3arm8w/i_saw_a_really_funny_joke_on_rjokes_a_while_back/
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Why do Mexicans only cross the border in pairs?

Because it says no TRESpassing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ark33/why_do_mexicans_only_cross_the_border_in_pairs/
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When I was a kid my parents told me never to open the cellar door...

I sneakily opened the door, and it was amazing...I saw sunlight, trees, birds and a whole other bunch of awesome shit. Best day ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aremu/when_i_was_a_kid_my_parents_told_me_never_to_open/
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When are minorities not minorities?

When you look at crime statistics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ard6a/when_are_minorities_not_minorities/
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Man of the house

A Man had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.' He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3arbj8/man_of_the_house/
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My friend turned up to my costume party dressed as an abacus.

I knew I could count on him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3arbap/my_friend_turned_up_to_my_costume_party_dressed/
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The beautiful roommate....

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious….
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates.”
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
He said ,”Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her,  just to be sure.” He sat down and wrote….
Dear Mother:
I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the silver plate from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the silver plate, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Your Son
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with her, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3arb3h/the_beautiful_roommate/
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Programming is like writing a book...

But if you miss a single comma on page 126 the whole thing makes no damn sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3araua/programming_is_like_writing_a_book/
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An astronaut returns from working in the ISS, and his friends and family all want to know what it was like in space.

At his welcome back barbeque, he talked about the different foods he ate, how he bathed, and other quirks of living without gravity. The party quieted down, and one of his friends approached to ask the question everybody wanted to know, but nobody wanted to ask.
"Didn't you have time to jack off up there? Was it any different there?"
The astronaut pauses for a second before responding.
"You know, I did have time to look at the stars and ponder the meaning of existence while rubbing it out. But after a while, it was kinda like living in a snow globe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ar9da/an_astronaut_returns_from_working_in_the_iss_and/
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I'm so tired of rascist jokes. They all start out the same.

With a look over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ar965/im_so_tired_of_rascist_jokes_they_all_start_out/
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How did Hitler like to have his juice in the morning?

100% concentrated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ar814/how_did_hitler_like_to_have_his_juice_in_the/
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All of the fortune tellers I've met are either really depressing or overly enhusiastic.

Why can't I find a happy medium?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ar7vw/all_of_the_fortune_tellers_ive_met_are_either/
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My wife is kind of lazy

We were watching an item on the news yesterday, about a wheelchair-bound quadriplegic who could play the (specially adapted) flute beautifully.
"Oh my god." She said, tears welling in her eyes, "I'd love to be able to do that."
"What, play the flute?" I asked.
"No, sit down all day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ar68z/my_wife_is_kind_of_lazy/
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Talking about school grades with your parents like...

Parents: Got any A's this semester?
Me: Go fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ar4uy/talking_about_school_grades_with_your_parents_like/
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Moral of the Story

One day, my fiancee's sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ar0x0/moral_of_the_story/
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You know it's love when

you let her commit to your source tree without reviewing her code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ar0gj/you_know_its_love_when/
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What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Christ ler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aqzr3/what_kind_of_car_does_jesus_drive/
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Three guys go to a ski lodge

, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aqzg4/three_guys_go_to_a_ski_lodge/
%
The Vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium......
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place...."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The Vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.......
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aqyfm/the_vicar_asked_if_anyone_in_the_congregation/
%
A blonde woman was trying to do a Jigsaw Puzzle

She got very frustrated that she struggling  so she decided to ask her husband for help.
She said "Can you help me finish this puzzle, Its supposed to be a Bird"
Her husband replied "Put the Froot Loops back in the Cupboard"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aqqlu/a_blonde_woman_was_trying_to_do_a_jigsaw_puzzle/
%
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aqpfs/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_2_doors/
%
A man was rushed to the ER with six toy horses up his ass

The doctors described his condition as stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aqnct/a_man_was_rushed_to_the_er_with_six_toy_horses_up/
%
My grandma just sent me this joke...

A man and his wife were about to go out for a party. The wife says to her husband "I can't find my keys."
"It's in your jeans, love." He replied
"Don't you bring my family into this, you bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aqlsc/my_grandma_just_sent_me_this_joke/
%
Why was the ghost late to the halloween party?

He had to take a sheet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aqlbf/why_was_the_ghost_late_to_the_halloween_party/
%
What do The Walking Dead and the Fast and Furious series have in common?

They both have dead walkers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aql45/what_do_the_walking_dead_and_the_fast_and_furious/
%
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aqjp8/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
%
A man named Tony gets on an airplane

in New York going to Las Vegas, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a stunningly beautiful and very sexy woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards him. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right next to him.
Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “So, are you going to Vegas to try your luck?”
She turns and smiles, and says, “Well no, I'm going to the Adult Entertainment Expo.  I guess you could say I'm a movie star. ”
He swallows hard, and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here’s the most sensuous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him, going to Vegas, and obviously she’s a porn queen. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he asks with some awkwardness, "Oh, I see . . . so tell me, is it true that Italian men make the best lovers?"
The woman blushes.  "Well no, that would be Jewish men.  They are very romantic and gentle."
Disappointed but emboldened, Tony then asks, "Well, I've heard that Italian men are the most well-endowed."
The woman smiles.  "I'm afraid that's wrong.  In fact, they tend to be rather, well . . . small.  Native American men are most likely to be big."
Suddenly, the woman looks slightly embarrassed. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I feel so awkward discussing these things with you, and I don’t even know your name.”
Tony extends his hand and replies, “Tonto. Tonto Rosenberg.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aq8by/a_man_named_tony_gets_on_an_airplane/
%
What Do you Call Neil Degrasse Tyson when he pours champagne on his bare chest?

**An astro-fizzy-tits**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aq71u/what_do_you_call_neil_degrasse_tyson_when_he/
%
I started an emo salsa band

We're called Hispanic at the Disco

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aq55e/i_started_an_emo_salsa_band/
%
Teacher and Student

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aq20q/teacher_and_student/
%
My dad told me... "When i was your age, i had to walk 13 miles to school"...

So i said... "Is that why you didn't graduate?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aq14y/my_dad_told_me_when_i_was_your_age_i_had_to_walk/
%
What do you call a blind german?

A not-see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3apxpq/what_do_you_call_a_blind_german/
%
I can't believe that...

after all the times my girlfriend called me "daddy", she still didn't get me anything for Father's Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3apvpe/i_cant_believe_that/
%
Did you hear about the time Hitler and Stalin shared an apartment?

It turns out that their landlord was the lessor to two evils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3apsct/did_you_hear_about_the_time_hitler_and_stalin/
%
When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aprf8/when_i_was_a_kid_i_prayed_every_night_for_a_new/
%
I hate double standards...

When a girl wears a thong she is called bold and sexy. But when I do it I'm just called drunk and asked to leave Denny's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3app7y/i_hate_double_standards/
%
Starting salary.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3app5l/starting_salary/
%
What's the difference between your wife and your job?

Job still sucks after 5 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aplly/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
%
The Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon.
The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."
So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done
faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub."
Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts. "Wow" thought Sam," that surgeon does excellent work"
A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can
do - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early -
John's down at the soccer field."
Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. "Wow" thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing"
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off.
Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."
So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died."
Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very difficult."
The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, he suffocated in that
plastic bag!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3apjd6/the_surgeon/
%
I bought some shoes from my pill dealer on Friday.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3apis7/i_bought_some_shoes_from_my_pill_dealer_on_friday/
%
Peter is different

A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3apfu3/peter_is_different/
%
How do you divide old Rome?

Using a pair of Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ap99y/how_do_you_divide_old_rome/
%
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ap82m/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
%
I'd do a joke about amphibians.

But they've all been toad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ap63w/id_do_a_joke_about_amphibians/
%
Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward.

They're all very anxious about becoming a father. After waiting some time, the doctor appears and congratulates the first man.
"Congratulations, your wife had twins!"
The man was relieved, but was a bit surprised. "What a coincidence," he told the doctor. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"
Some time later again, the doctor comes out and congratulates the second man.
"Congratulations, your wife had triplets!"
The second man was even more surprised. "That's funny. I work for the 3M tape company!"
After waiting another long while, the third man received his results.
"Congratulations, your wife had quadruplets!"
"Wow! I work for the Four Seasons hotel! That's interesting."
After waiting enough time, the fourth man gets up and starts to leave. The doctor stops him before he can make it out the door.
"Where are you going?" the doctor asks.
"I'm going to rent a van," the man replies.
"Why?"
"'Cause I work for 7-Up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ap0ke/four_men_are_waiting_for_their_wives_in_a_marital/
%
A man driving down Route 66 stops by a gas station for the restroom...

Upon entering the store he sees the hot blonde behind the counter and asks her to use the restroom. She gives him the key and the man rushes to take care of business. After finishing he notices there's no toilet paper around and nothing else to wipe with. Then he spots a sign on the wall that reads "Use your fingers to wipe yourself then put them in the hole in the wall to have them licked clean.". He sees some light come out to notice that the hole is right behind the counter with the hot blonde! The man in disbelief says "no way she would ever do that!".
Five, ten, twenty minutes pass since he went and sitting there with his pants on the floor, sweating from the heat and cant find any other options the man says "damn it, i got no other choice" and starts to clean himself. After finishing he cautiously and slowly put his hand through the hole and waits. On the other side of the wall the blonde spots the hand and with a brick in each hand she SMASHES his hand and the mans quickly, without missing a beat, pulls his hand out of the wall, screams in pain and sticks his fingers in his mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aoqqq/a_man_driving_down_route_66_stops_by_a_gas/
%
If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what's outside of it?

K9P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aoij6/if_h2o_is_inside_a_fire_hydrant_whats_outside_of/
%
What happens when you give an Autobot a blowjob?

The power goes out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aogwy/what_happens_when_you_give_an_autobot_a_blowjob/
%
Two men are fishing on a dock...

Two men are fishing on a dock next to a sign that says "Warning! The end is near!" Another man drives up in his car, stops right behind the two and says, "You dumb Jehovah Witnesses!  You're always peddling that 'end is near' garbage!  Why don't you guys just mind your own business!"  and he steps on the gas and speeds off.  Not five seconds later the two men hear tires screeching and a loud splash as the man drives right into the river.  Both men look at each other and one says, "Told you we shoulda just put 'Bridge Out' ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aogas/two_men_are_fishing_on_a_dock/
%
Shoutout to my grandpa.

That's the only way he can hear...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aog0b/shoutout_to_my_grandpa/
%
Frog joke

A frog goes into a bank in search of a loan. He approaches Patricia Wack who deals with the loans in this particular bank and says "Hi, I'd like a £10,000 loan as I am doing some home renovations". Patricia is a little bemused, as it is a frog asking for a loan, but she is a polite lady and so continues with the usual procedure: "We will need some form of collateral in order to issue you with a loan" The frog replies "I thought you might say that so I have brought something with me" and hands Patricia a small, pink, shiny porcelain elephant. Patricia's bemusement grows: "I'm not sure that we can accept this, do you have any other form of collateral?" The frog appears mildly frustrated: "Come on, my father is Mick Jagger and all I want is a £10,000 loan." So Patricia excuses herself and goes in search of the manager, when she finds him she explains the rather bizarre occurrences: "There's this frog asking me for a loan and he's given me this small, shiny, pink elephant as collateral – what am I supposed to do!?!" To this the manager replies: "It's a nick nack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man is a rolling stone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aoeqg/frog_joke/
%
You know the best thing about penis jokes?

On average they are not that long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ao86f/you_know_the_best_thing_about_penis_jokes/
%
What do you call a man who you are not sure will become your friend?

A training brah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ao6gb/what_do_you_call_a_man_who_you_are_not_sure_will/
%
A restaurant owner was looking for a cook

And he found a man named Deway. Deway was an excellent cook-- his dishes were exquisite and his recipes were simple. He cooked quickly and efficiently and cleaned up after himself. The owner hired him immediately, but he quickly noticed that Deway loved to mutter and grumble to himself as he cooked. Though some of the patrons came complaining of loud distracting muttering, the owner refused to fire Deway. He simply explained, "That's Deway the cook. He grumbles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ao1nh/a_restaurant_owner_was_looking_for_a_cook/
%
What do you call a horse that's thinking of home?

Mentally in-stable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ao0m2/what_do_you_call_a_horse_thats_thinking_of_home/
%
A joke my work buddy came up with.

A professional magician had a day off and decided to go out to the strip club. One half naked stripper went on stage and asked if anyone wanted to see a magic trick. After a positive response the stripper explained she was going to put a ping pong ball in her mouth and make it come out of her ass. The performer then proceeded to do just that. Perplexed, the magician was curious and asked her how she did it to which she replied, "Easy, strippers are empty on the inside."
Shitty I know but it's original and it made me chuckle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3anxaz/a_joke_my_work_buddy_came_up_with/
%
What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3anwq7/whats_blue_and_doesnt_weigh_much/
%
What do you call a robbery of Italian ice cream?

Grand Theft Gelato

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3anwjn/what_do_you_call_a_robbery_of_italian_ice_cream/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an irish family?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3anwgb/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irish/
%
What did Barack say to Michelle when he proposed?

I don't want to be Obama self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3anuvk/what_did_barack_say_to_michelle_when_he_proposed/
%
A cop pulls over a driver with a broken tail light...

The officer approaches the driver of the vehicle and asks how long he has been driving with a broken tail light. Without answering the question the driver jumps out of his car, runs to the rear of his vehicle and groans. Seeing he was upset the officer tried to cheer him up slightly "come on now, don't take it so hard. Its not that serious."
"It isn't?" Replied the driver, "then do you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3antuh/a_cop_pulls_over_a_driver_with_a_broken_tail_light/
%
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ant2v/what_do_you_call_a_prostitute_with_a_runny_nose/
%
I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...

But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ano3j/i_almost_got_busted_for_shoplifting_candy_today/
%
Hey baby, you're just like a plastic bag...

You take my breath away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3anj7c/hey_baby_youre_just_like_a_plastic_bag/
%
A beautiful college professor reminds her student of the big test tomorrow

She says "You cannot be absent unless you are wounded, seriously ill or you have a sudden death in the family." One boy asks "But what about extreme fatigue from a hot night of sex?" When the class is done laughing the professor smiles and says
"In that case you can write with your other hand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3and1r/a_beautiful_college_professor_reminds_her_student/
%
Helen Keller walked into a bar

And a table, and a chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3anct5/helen_keller_walked_into_a_bar/
%
How do you know if a girl is ticklish?

Give her two test tickles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3anbjw/how_do_you_know_if_a_girl_is_ticklish/
%
Blond joke

A blonde goes to her car in the parking and to her shock there is a dent on the flank. A guy passing by seeing she is blonde tells her: "you need to go on your knees on blow in the exhaust pipe as hard as you can. Then just like a plastic bottle it will go back to normal."
The blonde is very thankfull and starts blowing.
A few minutes pass and another blonde comes by and yells at her " oh my god I can't believe you what are you doing"
The first one explains the situation to which the second blonde answers "no wonder people think we are stupid with blondes like you. This will never work you left a window open!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3an8b5/blond_joke/
%
How do magicians retire?

They seem to just disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3an857/how_do_magicians_retire/
%
My Wife was sick joke

Me, "Doctor my wife she is so sick what is wrong with her?"
Doctor, "Well it could be one of the two things either Aids or Alzheimer's"
Me, "So what shall I do?"
Doctor, "Put her on a bus and send her far away and if she makes it back what ever you do Don't Fuck Her!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3an4f6/my_wife_was_sick_joke/
%
I painted my computer black...

in hopes it would run faster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3amyvh/i_painted_my_computer_black/
%
For fathers day, I bought my dad a $100 gift card to the Apple Store...

He said "Thanks for the phone charger, son."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3amugk/for_fathers_day_i_bought_my_dad_a_100_gift_card/
%
I get wetter as you get dryer. What am I?

A necrophiliac.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3amtq4/i_get_wetter_as_you_get_dryer_what_am_i/
%
Why did I spill root beer on a DNS server?

Just because ICANN.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ampug/why_did_i_spill_root_beer_on_a_dns_server/
%
King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table.

The carpenter had cut some corners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3amptv/king_arthur_wasnt_pleased_with_the_quality_of_his/
%
Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts?

It's not my fault I'm blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ampmz/why_do_girls_always_get_mad_when_i_try_to_read/
%
My wife says if this gets 150 upvotes we'll try anal

PLEASE don't upvote, her dildo is huge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3amjc5/my_wife_says_if_this_gets_150_upvotes_well_try/
%
Who do Canadians call when their car breaks down?

Triple, eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3amj1x/who_do_canadians_call_when_their_car_breaks_down/
%
Why can't an eel and an eagle team up?

Because it would be eel-eagle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3amglb/why_cant_an_eel_and_an_eagle_team_up/
%
What's the difference between a chestnut and a walnut?

Your aim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3amcrs/whats_the_difference_between_a_chestnut_and_a/
%
What do you call a Jewish man, mid ejaculation?

A Heblew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3amc07/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_man_mid_ejaculation/
%
A lot of beautiful women have told me that I am a looker...

and that I should stop.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ambzl/a_lot_of_beautiful_women_have_told_me_that_i_am_a/
%
What is black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire :).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3am9mv/what_is_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_the_stairs/
%
Jesus is always watching.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3am7yi/jesus_is_always_watching/
%
Happy Fathers Day!

Me: Happy Fathers Day!
Pop: Thanks!
Me: I'll call you later.
Pop: Don't call me later, call me Dad :')
...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3am7r3/happy_fathers_day/
%
What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3am5z0/what_do_you_call_crystal_clear_urine/
%
What do you call a leper in a hot tub?

Soup

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3am323/what_do_you_call_a_leper_in_a_hot_tub/
%
A man brought his son to a grocery store...

A man brought his son to a grocery store, but as soon as they walked in the store the young child began to throw a temper tantrum. While they went down each aisle the child would yell, throw items in and out of the cart, and overall just be an annoyance.
Despite the scene his son was causing, the father was cool and collected, slowly and calmly saying, "Don't worry, Donald. It'll be alright, Donald, we'll be home soon."
A nearby mother was very impressed with the father's self control, and wanted to express her gratitude for such calm parenting. "Sir, I'm amazed that you are able to be so calm! It's not every day I see such patient and gracious parenting. Now little guy, what seems to be the problem, Donald?"
"Oh no, ma'am, you're mistaken!" The father interjected, "This is my son, Henry. I'm Donald!"
^(*Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there! Thank you for all you do.*)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3als5j/a_man_brought_his_son_to_a_grocery_store/
%
I think I was Italian,

in a pasta life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3alq18/i_think_i_was_italian/
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My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table

At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.
"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"
And that's when the fight started....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aliio/my_wife_and_i_were_sitting_at_a_table/
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A beautiful brunette dies and 'wakes' up in a room.. [NSFW]

.. In the room in one corner there is a ladder heading up into a hole in the roof, and in another corner a small man with a small ugly penis, red with sores.
"Hi, I'm Fassi, and you're in hell. You have two choices. You can either suck me, or you can climb the ladder to success."
The brunette wonders what kind of an idiot that guy is. "I'll climb up to success, thank you". The man shrugs, used to the response, and she climbs up the ladder to emerge into another room.
In it sits a massive man with a massive dong, covered in warts, pus, and dried blood.
Speaks he, in a booming voice. "Hi, I'm Cess.."
:D
(Not original, and no idea how many times this has been posted)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3alg3l/a_beautiful_brunette_dies_and_wakes_up_in_a_room/
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God says to jesus, "You remembered it's father's day?"

Jesus says "what the hell am I supposed to get a man who has everything?!"
*God turns & winks at camera*
"Omnipresents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3alfzv/god_says_to_jesus_you_remembered_its_fathers_day/
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Why did the blonde give up on trying to blow up a car?

She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3al3fv/why_did_the_blonde_give_up_on_trying_to_blow_up_a/
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What do you call a nun who's gone to Heaven?

Nun of the above.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3al38q/what_do_you_call_a_nun_whos_gone_to_heaven/
%
Did you hear the one about the pizza?

Ugh, nevermind. It's too cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3akxn6/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_pizza/
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I have the body of a 20 year old model...

Unfortunately it won't fit in my freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3akwoe/i_have_the_body_of_a_20_year_old_model/
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What part of New York has the most feminists?

Manhatin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3akv3s/what_part_of_new_york_has_the_most_feminists/
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Why was Helen Keller a terrible driver?

Because she was a woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aktbd/why_was_helen_keller_a_terrible_driver/
%
An ugly homeless man walks into a bar with a huge smile.

He uses what little money he has to order himself a drink. The bartender serves him and asks "What are you so happy about?" The homeless man replies. "I just got laid big time. First time in about 30 years. I was hanging out by the train tracks where I saw a women tied up like in those old western movies, so I cut her free and brought her back to my place. Needless to say, she let me have it big time. Every position you can imagine." "You lucky dog, you." the bartender replies. "So what did this lass look like?" The homeless man replies, "Oh, I'm not sure, I only found the body."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aknxr/an_ugly_homeless_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_huge/
%
What do you call a duck that's a drug addict?

A quack-head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3akmp6/what_do_you_call_a_duck_thats_a_drug_addict/
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I had such a hard time figuring out why cow brains are so hard to dig out of their skulls, especially since they are such stupid animals.

Then, someone informed me that it is much easier if the animal is already dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3akjbo/i_had_such_a_hard_time_figuring_out_why_cow/
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What did one hat say to the other hat?

You wait here, I'm going to go on a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3akj9d/what_did_one_hat_say_to_the_other_hat/
%
3 mice are sitting in a bar.

The first mouse says "I am the biggest baddest mouse in the whole world, when I see a mouse trap I run up and eat the food while doing a workout with the bar. I am the biggest, baddest mouse in the whole world."
The second mouse says "Thats nothing, when I see D—con I take home with me. I use it for all my furniture, my bed, I even eat for each meal. I am the biggest, baddest mouse in the whole world."
The third mouse hangs his head, slides off his bar stool and starts to walk out. The first two mice shout out to him, "Hey where you goin? You don`t want to hang out with the two biggest, baddest mice in the whole world?"
The third mouse looks over his shoulder and says: "I am goin home to fuck the cat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aki4o/3_mice_are_sitting_in_a_bar/
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Super intelligent monkey [NSFW]

A man walked up to a zoo where a small cage was isolated and "Intelligent Monkey" was written over the board.
Man asked the guide why?
Guide: Give him something to eat.
Man gave him a peanut, monkey took the peanut, shove it in its ass and then ate it.
Man: what is so intelligent in it?
Guide: Months ago, an Englishman came here, gave him a mango, this fucker swallowed it whole, the seed got struck in his ass, he had problems getting it out so now first he checks if it will get out easily and then eats it.
Man: Cool
The man visits the same zoo after months only to find that a "Super Intelligent monkey" was written over the cage of that monkey.
Man: What now, how is he super intelligent now?
Guide: Give him something to eat.
Man gave him a grape, monkey took the grape, dipped it into a water bowl, shoved into his ass and then ate it.
Man: How does that make him superintelligent?
Guide: That Englishman returned last month, saw this monkey, only this time he handed him a lighted CIGARETTE.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3akf0f/super_intelligent_monkey_nsfw/
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Pirate, land lubber

Yarrrr,
Why be it that land-lubbers are never confident?
For they are always on shore...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3akdxt/pirate_land_lubber/
%
Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and Arnold Schwarzenegger

So one day, Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were sitting together in a bar, kicking back, drinking a few brews, talking about life and talking about the roles they'd played in movies.
As the three men talked, each was surprised to realize that all three of them had grown tired of playing the action hero- shooting the bad guys, pulling off life-threatening stunts, and getting the girl in the end.  The whole scene was just all played out for them.
By chance, Stallone had with him a script that his agent had given to him kind of as a joke.  The script would allow three actors to act out the role of their favorite musical composer.  The three men were delighted, "This is great! Nobody would ever expect this from us! Let's do it!"  And so the agreement was made. Soon, a big budget studio was attached to the project, Spielberg signed on to direct, everything was falling into place.
On the day of the first pre-production meeting, the actors realized they needed to pick parts. Since Stallone had proposed the idea, he got to choose first.  After thinking for a minute, he declared "I want to be Beethoven." The others agreed to let Stallone have Beethoven.
Next, it was Van Dam's turn.  He thought for a moment, then declared, "I want to play Mozart." And the others agreed to that as well.
Finally, it was Arnold Schwarzenegger's turn.  After thinking about it for several moments, Schwarzenegger finally declared, *cue Terminator voice*: "I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3akdt4/sylvester_stallone_jeanclaude_van_dam_and_arnold/
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Three rednecks talking about their wives...

The first redneck says "My wife is so dumb, she bought a toilet, and we don't even got indoor plumbin." The second says "My wife is so dumb, she bought an air conditioner, and we don't got 'lectricity." Third says "That's nothin I was going through my wife's purse the other day, and I found a condom. she don't even got a penis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ak8za/three_rednecks_talking_about_their_wives/
%
Frog in a box

A man sits down at a bar, and sees the old man next to him clutching a shoebox tightly. The man asks "what's in the box?" The old man replies "In this box is a frog that will give you the best blowjob you have ever had, I will sell it to you for a thousand bucks, and if you want I will let you try it out first." The man is skeptical but takes the box to the bathroom anyway. After a few minutes the man rushes out holding up his pants with the box under his arm. He slams a thousand on the bar, and runs home. His wife wakes up to the sound of pots and pans banging around. She goes downstairs and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The man replies "Shut the hell up woman! If I can teach this frog to cook eggs, your ass is out of here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ak7w3/frog_in_a_box/
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The Spanish magician

So there's this Spanish magician right and he says "I'll make myself disappear on the count of three".
"Unos..... Dos...." *BANG!" in a cloud of smoke he disappeared without a Tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ak6y8/the_spanish_magician/
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How come no one tries to blow up the Pope?

I thought he was inflatable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ak5nm/how_come_no_one_tries_to_blow_up_the_pope/
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How The Government Works

One day, a teacher assigns her kids to do some homework; ask their parents/guardians what the government is, since that's their next lesson. Little Johnny, one of her students, goes home that night and asks his father.
"Well," Dad says, "Think of it this way. I'm the president, Mom is the Congress, our maid is the work force, and your little brother is the rest of the citizens in the United States."
"I don't think I get it," says Little Johnny, thinking about this observation.
"Why don't you sleep on it, then?" Dad says. Little Johnny nods his little curious head, wishes Dad goodnight, and heads to bed.
Around 1:00 A.M., Little Johnny hears a lamp fall over. Unable to sleep from the frighteningly sudden noise, he goes to his little brother's room to see what's going on.
The small child is lying in his crib, and apparently, he knocked over a lamp, which was shattered all over the floor. "Oh dear," says Little Johnny, when he sees that his little brother crapped his diaper. He decides to go get Dad.
Little Johnny runs to his parents' large bedroom. He creaks open the door, and sees Mom sleeping, but no Dad! Little Johnny exits to find Dad, searching more of his large house. Eventually, he makes it to their maid's bedroom. Looking through the keyhole, he sees Dad "doing" the maid. She seems to enjoy it.
Little Johnny jumps into the air in delight. "Now I get it," he yells happily, "So the Congress is asleep, the President is screwing the Work Force, AND THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES ARE FULL OF SH*T!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ak5fo/how_the_government_works/
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Whats the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ak513/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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Three women sat discussing their husbands and their sex lives.

"My husband's a wrestler," said the first. "He's really strong and aggressive in bed."
"My husband's an artist," said the second. "He's really gentle and sensitive."
"My husband's an IBM salesman," said the third. "He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ak4v2/three_women_sat_discussing_their_husbands_and/
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Two men in a foxhole

Night falls on two men in a foxhole. The private says to the corporal "I need to take a shit." The corporal says "Don't shit in here man, go find a different foxhole" So the private leaves. The sun comes up, and the private finally returns to the foxhole. The corporal says "Man, what took you so long? I thought you were dead."  The private replies "I found a woman in this other foxhole, and we had sex all night long. We did it in every position you can think of, it was great!"  The corporal asks "Did she give good head?" And the private replies "Come to think about it, I don't think she even had a head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ak3m1/two_men_in_a_foxhole/
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My doctor asked if I drink to excess.

I told him I'll drink to anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ak2sf/my_doctor_asked_if_i_drink_to_excess/
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If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.
^*Edit: ^As ^a ^few ^have ^astutely ^pointed ^out, ^the ^character's ^name ^is ^just ^"The ^Doctor"; ^I ^should ^have ^said ^"the ^greatest ^sci ^fi ^show ^is ^Doctor ^Who" ^instead ^of ^"greatest ^hero ^in ^sci ^fi". ^Thankfully ^the ^dumb ^joke ^still ^works ^in ^that ^form.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ak1rg/if_im_being_subjective_id_say_that_the_greatest/
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My wife likes to talk to me after sex...

It's great, I've got a special ringtone set up and everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ak1d0/my_wife_likes_to_talk_to_me_after_sex/
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I would make a joke about your mom

but cows are holy in India

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ajz6l/i_would_make_a_joke_about_your_mom/
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Can I smell..

A man, and woman enter an elevator the man turns to the woman and asks "Can I smell your vagina?" she gets mad and says "No!" he replies "Then it must be your feet."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ajz31/can_i_smell/
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What did Lincoln say about his experience at Ford theater?

He said it was mind blowing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ajywa/what_did_lincoln_say_about_his_experience_at_ford/
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What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?

Coach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ajr5l/what_do_you_call_a_white_guy_surrounded_by_5/
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Damn girl, did you fall from heaven?

Cause you're Satan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ajr5c/damn_girl_did_you_fall_from_heaven/
%
Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?

He had loco motives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ajn5r/did_you_hear_about_the_crazy_mexican_train_thief/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ajn0l/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
%
Going to a restaurant alone makes me feel like a dinosaur in Jurassic Park

Everyone is just there to watch me eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ajjyr/going_to_a_restaurant_alone_makes_me_feel_like_a/
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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men" ....

So he stabs her & nicks her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ajit5/a_black_man_takes_a_girl_home_from_a_nightclub/
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ajhrz/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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I was reading in the paper today...

about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ajfnd/i_was_reading_in_the_paper_today/
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My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.

I got full marx.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aje93/my_history_teacher_is_a_communist_so_i_made_lots/
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What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ajdj5/what_do_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
%
Yet another yo mama joke

Yo mama so fat that when she hauls ass it takes her 2 trips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ajcl2/yet_another_yo_mama_joke/
%
A narcissist walks into a bar...

The rest of the joke doesn't matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aj54w/a_narcissist_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

It's like a really obscure number you have probably never heard of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aj3vh/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. Of course, the kids are eager to know what the meat is. They ask their dad for the clue. “Well,” he says, “It’s what mommy calls me sometimes.” The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s a fucking asshole.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aj1fz/a_man_kills_a_deer_and_takes_it_home_to_cook_for/
%
"The police are looking for a man with one eye named Murphy."

"What's the other eye called?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aj17o/the_police_are_looking_for_a_man_with_one_eye/
%
What do you call 2 gay Irishmen?

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aj0i9/what_do_you_call_2_gay_irishmen/
%
A guy gets into an argument with his wife...

He storms out and goes straight to the bar.  He approaches 12 different women asking each one of them, "is your name yourself?"  Finally someone says, "what kind of name is yourself?"  He turns and says, "my wife told me to go fuck yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aizp2/a_guy_gets_into_an_argument_with_his_wife/
%
Short seal joke

A baby seal walks into a club

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aizlk/short_seal_joke/
%
I've slowly replaced sex with food...

and now I can't even get into my own pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aizgj/ive_slowly_replaced_sex_with_food/
%
They laughed at me when I said I will become a comedian

Well...now they are not.
Wait...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aiwem/they_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_will_become_a/
%
Where was the declaration of independence signed?

At the bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aitpg/where_was_the_declaration_of_independence_signed/
%
Two preists are out for a drive when suddenly...

...they are pulled over by a police officer.
The officer says, "We are looking for two child molesters in the area."
The two priests calmly and quietly discuss something for a few moments.
Finally, one of the priests turns to the officer and says, "Okay, we'll do it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ais2b/two_preists_are_out_for_a_drive_when_suddenly/
%
My wife was complaining

that nobody ever phoned her, so I put a "How's my driving?" sticker on her car. Her phone hasn't stopped ringing since.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aipia/my_wife_was_complaining/
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A Statistician, a Physicist, a Mathematician are stuck inside of a demolished building.

They find 3 cans of canned beans to survive for the day. They soon realize that they don't have a can opener to open the cans.
In a hurry, the Statistician continuously hits the can on the wall to break it. He eventually does open the can, eats, and lives to see another day.
The Physicist examines the can, finds the weakest spot, strikes it to a ledge and opens the can. He eats the beans and survives for another day.
Scared, the Mathematician says, "Let's assume the can is open.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ainzy/a_statistician_a_physicist_a_mathematician_are/
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A piece of string walks into a bar

The bartender glares at him. "We don't serve pieces of string like you here."
"What? I just want a drink!" the string says.
"Get the hell outta here!"
The string leaves, dejected. On the street, he runs into another piece of string.
"Did you just get thrown out of that bar too?" the second piece of string says.
The first piece of string nods.
"Here, let me show you a trick."
The second piece of string then ties the first piece of string in a large knot, then frays either side of him. The first piece of string walks back into the bar.
"Hey, aren't you the string that just came in here?" the bartender yells.
The string shakes his head. "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aingu/a_piece_of_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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A midget with a speech impediment

goes to buy a horse at a ranch and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
He shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks
him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally mad as hell at this point, the rancher grabs him under his
arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I thould rephrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ain8d/a_midget_with_a_speech_impediment/
%
A woman was in a coma.

Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.
The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ail1s/a_woman_was_in_a_coma/
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I just found a fruit roll-up in my pocket

That means one of my kids has a grape flavored blunt rap in their lunch box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aiidv/i_just_found_a_fruit_rollup_in_my_pocket/
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So many Irish twins being born these days

the numbers just keep Dublin up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aihrt/so_many_irish_twins_being_born_these_days/
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A rich man needs a blood transfusion

A rich man goes to the doctor and the doctor says he needs a blood transfusion. So the rich man goes to work the next day and tells his Jewish employee & close friend the news. Since they have been very close friends for a long time, the Jewish guy offers him some of his own blood.
Right after the transfusion, the rich man goes out and buys his Jewish friend a brand new Ferrari. "My dear friend, you've kept me alive & well, please take this gift from me." The Jewish friend, ecstatic, happily accepts.
A month later, the rich man goes to his doctor and sure enough, the man now needs a new kidney. The next day, the rich man goes to work and tells his friend the bad news. The Jewish friend ponders for a moment, and then tells him that he will give him one of his own kidneys.
Days after the surgery, the rich man hands his friend an envelope. Eagerly, he opens it. What he finds is a $50 gift card to a local restaurant. Dumbfounded, the Jewish friend asks the rich man, "I don't understand... I gave you a little of my blood and in exchange, you give me a brand new Ferrari. But for one of my own kidneys, a much greater sacrifice, you give me this?"
The rich man shrugs and responds, "It must be in the blood!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aihmd/a_rich_man_needs_a_blood_transfusion/
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How many blind men would it take to change a light bulb?

Why the fuck would a blind man need a light bulb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aif6h/how_many_blind_men_would_it_take_to_change_a/
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Since I started dating my girlfriend half a year ago I became a millionaire

6 months ago I was a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aieyf/since_i_started_dating_my_girlfriend_half_a_year/
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There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:

The directions say the medication must be taken with food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aias1/theres_only_one_problem_with_north_koreas_miracle/
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"Good artists copy. Great artists steal."

\- Me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aiaiw/good_artists_copy_great_artists_steal/
%
Isis and the Christian man

An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.
ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aiahm/isis_and_the_christian_man/
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My girlfriend asked me how I know so much about vaginas

I had be honest, I told her I've been into them for years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ai6j5/my_girlfriend_asked_me_how_i_know_so_much_about/
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An American, a German, an Irishman and an Englishman are on a plane...

The plane has four engines, and one of them fails unexpectedly. The pilot says the plane cannot support their weight, so one of them is going to have to jump. The American steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while later, another engine fails. This time, the German steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while after that, another engine fails. This time the Irishman steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", grabs the Englishman and throws him out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ai4qk/an_american_a_german_an_irishman_and_an/
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Husband knocks it out of the park!

A wife was making fried eggs in breakfast for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL!" he yelled. "Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! They need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she asked. "You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs after all these years?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ai4gs/husband_knocks_it_out_of_the_park/
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Gloria Gaynor's ghost

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ai40k/gloria_gaynors_ghost/
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I’m doing market research for a telescope manufacturer,

I run the focus group.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ai1tv/im_doing_market_research_for_a_telescope/
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Ddi Humpty Dumpty have a good winter?

No, but he had a great Fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ai0eq/ddi_humpty_dumpty_have_a_good_winter/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ahzd9/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Labour pains vs getting kicked in the nuts

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ahxzf/labour_pains_vs_getting_kicked_in_the_nuts/
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On a train

A nun, a young woman, a German and a French sit together in a train compartment, each one minding his own business, when suddenly the train enters a large tunnel. Unfortunately the lights are not working and it is pitch dark. While in the dark, a loud slap can be heard and when the train finally leaves the tunnel, the French is rubbing his cheek in anger.
The nun thinks: "Well of course, the French tried to touch the young woman. And the poor girl had to defend herself slapping him."
The young woman thinks: "The French must have tried to touch me, but the nun probably saw it and hit him before he could reach me. Thank God."
The French thinks: "That was probably the nun slapping me for thinking that I would touch the young girl, when really it was the German trying to make a move".
While the German is thinking: "That went splendid. Next tunnel, I am going to hit the French bastard again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ahx7z/on_a_train/
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You can tell a lot about a person's personality by the type of car they drive.

I haven't got one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ahpgq/you_can_tell_a_lot_about_a_persons_personality_by/
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Two burglars, Jim and Dave, break into an Indian family's house...

They split up and go into different rooms, in an attempt to find the most valuable goods the fastest. Quickly, Dave yells to Jim, "Hey, I just found a safe! It's pretty big and heavy!"
"Can we fit it into the van?" Jim yells back.
"I think so. Both of us will have to carry it into the trunk, though."
"Okay, let's keep looking."
They continue to look, and Jake makes his way to the master bedroom, where he finds a large wardrobe. Upon opening it, he finds an array of fine clothes. Standing out particularly is a long, South Asian, ornamental drape. Obviously, it was formal wear for the wife.
"Hey, Dave!" Yells Jim, "I found some piece of Indian women's clothing. It looks really valuable!"
"Can we fit it in the van?" Dave yells back.
"Yeah," Jim replies, "but we should both carry it to keep it from touching the ground."
"Okay, good," says Dave. "Now, let's keep-"
They are both interrupted by the sound of car going up the driveway.
"Oh, shit!" Yells Jim. "They're back! We need to get out of here!"
"Wait! We can't just leave with nothing!" Dave yells back.
Jim is nearly hysterical. "Well, what do we take then? All we've found that's valuable, we need to both carry!"
And now Dave is torn. And he thinks. And he thinks. He's thinking so fast, time is slowing down around him. And then he finally reaches a conclusion. "Come down here. We're leaving behind the clothing."
"Well, why?"
"Better safe than sari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aho9y/two_burglars_jim_and_dave_break_into_an_indian/
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My coworker got third-degree burns on his tongue.

I was going to make a joke about it, but decided it would be in poor taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ahh1z/my_coworker_got_thirddegree_burns_on_his_tongue/
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What did the child with no hands get for his birthday?

Nobody knows yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ahcbs/what_did_the_child_with_no_hands_get_for_his/
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Yo mama so fat..

She fell in love and broke it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ah8uu/yo_mama_so_fat/
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I just thought up a really nerdy joke...

How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?
Ask them to pronounce the following:
**HIRES**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ah8qh/i_just_thought_up_a_really_nerdy_joke/
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My friend asked me if I wanted to skip class.

I said "nah, I think I'll pass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ah74v/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_skip_class/
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What kind of fruit can't get married?

A Cantleope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ah6f4/what_kind_of_fruit_cant_get_married/
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Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody were friends

A task was once given to them. Everybody thought Somebody would do it. Somebody thought Anybody could do it. In the end, Nobody ended up doing it.
Since then, Nobody is trusted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ah1n4/everybody_somebody_anybody_and_nobody_were_friends/
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Why are redneck crimes so hard to solve...

Because everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.
.
.
.
.
Not original, I heard it on satellite radio yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3agvxq/why_are_redneck_crimes_so_hard_to_solve/
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I didn't sleep so well last night...

So this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.
I made it halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3agrpb/i_didnt_sleep_so_well_last_night/
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A dentist goes to the bar every day at 4:30...

He comes like clockwork every weekday. And, every day he orders the same drink- an almond daiquiri. He's so consistent, that the bartender starts making his drink at 4:25.
One day, the bartender discovers to his horror that he's out of almonds. So he makes it with Hickory nuts.  The dentist walks in, has his seat at the bar, the bartender gives his drink. The dentist slugs about half of it and says, "barkeep, what is this drink?!"
"It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3agqub/a_dentist_goes_to_the_bar_every_day_at_430/
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If you're American walking into the bathroom and you're American walking out of the bathroon, what're you in the bathroom?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3agpgp/if_youre_american_walking_into_the_bathroom_and/
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SC shooting suspect Dylan Roof has been apprehended.

He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3agpdx/sc_shooting_suspect_dylan_roof_has_been/
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what do you call a Cow with no legs?

ground beef.
what do you call a cow with three legs?
lean beef.
what do you call a cow with two legs?
your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ago3n/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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Two Irish nuns were sitting in their car at a traffic light when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside.

"Hey, show us your tits you bloody penguins!" shouted one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret and says "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross!"
So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Sod off you little fucking wankers before I get out and rip your goddam balls off!"
Sister Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3age89/two_irish_nuns_were_sitting_in_their_car_at_a/
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Retirement (sorry) !

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3agdin/retirement_sorry/
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Why did the redditor stand on a piece of fruit to check his weight?

BECAUSE HE WAS USING A BANANA FOR SCALE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ag7km/why_did_the_redditor_stand_on_a_piece_of_fruit_to/
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I asked my wife what women really want and she said "attentive lovers"...

...actually she might have said "A tent of lovers", I don't really listen to her needs and opinions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ag609/i_asked_my_wife_what_women_really_want_and_she/
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Never have unprotected sex with a cannibal.

Or next thing you know, you'll have a baby in the oven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ag5ky/never_have_unprotected_sex_with_a_cannibal/
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I thought air was free my whole life

until I bought a bag of chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3afzgw/i_thought_air_was_free_my_whole_life/
%
My grandpa told me this one!

One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds,  "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." "I know, Miss," Adam replied, "in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3afz6y/my_grandpa_told_me_this_one/
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The rabbit, the bear, and the wish granting frog (My first post, please be gentle)

A rabbit was sitting in the forest straining to expel the demons caused from a bad meal he had eaten the night before, when he heard a rustling in the bush not far from him. Knowing he was near the bottom of the food chain, he tried to hurry it up.
Just as the rabbit finished his business, a bear stuck his head through the bush and immediately saw him. Both of them were off like lightening, the rabbit trying to save his fur and the bear trying to land an 'easy meal'. Through the forest the rabbit ran, darting left and dodging right with the bear close in tow at every turn. As the bear closed the gap and started closing in to catch his meal, they ran into an open field and bounded over a slender creek. No sooner were they over the creek when they heard a deep and throaty "STOP!!"
Not used to hearing such a sound, they both come to a screeching halt, tumbling over each other. On the bank of the creek was the largest bull frog either of them had ever seen.
The frog spoke again and said "You two are pretty loud, running around. Normally I would be annoyed because I was napping in the sun, but you two saved my life from the hawk that was going to snatch me by waking me up."
"Umm...your welcome?" uttered the bear, keeping an eye on what would still hopefully be his next meal.
"It just so happens I am a wish granting genie and while I am on hiatus, I feel I owe you both for saving my life. I will grant you both three wishes, in succession of course, as a means of gratitude. Ok, who is going first?"
The bear, unable to contain his excitement, jumped in front of the rabbit and managed to yelp out "ME, ME!!"
"Ok bear, what will it be?"
"Mating season is tough, with all the competition. I think if you could make all the bears in this forest female, except for me, that would make things easier."
"Done," claimed the frog. "Now rabbit, what can I grant for you?"
"I want a helmet," he stated, matter-of-factly. The frog, having heard very odd requests in his time, granted the wish with barely a second thought.
"Ok bear, time for your second wish. What will it be?".
"Oh man, I thought about it and realized it would be easier if all the bears in the surrounding forests where female too!" he exclaimed.
"Nice wish," and with that, the frog made it so. He turned back to the rabbit, asking "what is your next wish?"
"I want a motorcycle." The frog and the bear looked at each other and exchanged a 'WTF' look. True to his word though, the frog granted the outlandish wish.
"Alright bear, you have been on a roll today. What is your last wish?"
"Wow, I feel like I wasted my first two but this last one will make up for it. I WISH ALL THE BEARS IN THE WORLD WERE FEMALE!...except for me of course."
With the same amount of fervor and excitement the frog exclaimed "DONE!" Looking back to the rabbit, feeling a bit annoyed, the frog asked "What else could you possibly want?"
The rabbit strapped on his helmet, jumped on the motorcycle, looked straight in the bears face and yelled "I WISH THE BEAR WAS GAY!" and was out of sight before either of them knew what had happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3afspx/the_rabbit_the_bear_and_the_wish_granting_frog_my/
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A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

"Is everything okay pal?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing.
You know, a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3afrw8/a_guy_sits_down_at_the_bar_and_orders_drink_after/
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An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought

It's a growing problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3afrpd/an_increasing_number_of_farmers_are_losing_their/
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The Sex Shop

There's a sex shop worker, and while he's working the counter alone, a caucasian woman walks in.  She looks at the array of dildos and says, "How much for the white dildo?"  The guy says, "$90".  She looks a bit further and says, "How much for the black one?"  He says, "$90, black or white, we don't discriminate."  She says, "Okay - since that's the case, I've never had a black one before, so I think I'll take that."  So she pays her $90, and leaves with a black dildo.
A short while later, a black woman enters the store, and begins looking over the array of dildos.  She asks, "How much for the black dildo?"  The guy says, "$90".  She looks a bit further and says, "How much for the white one?"  He says, "$90, black or white, we don't discriminate."  She says, "Okay - since that's the case, I've never had a white one before, so I think I'll take that."  So she pays her $90, and leaves with a white dildo.
A little while later, a blonde walks in.  She asks, "How much are your dildos?"  The guy says, "$90 for black, $90 for white - we don't discriminate, lady."  She looks a bit further on the shelf and her eyes widen.  She says, "Is... is that a *plaid* one?!"  The guy looks at the shelf, and says, "Yes, yes it is.  And it's a very special one, so it's $250."  She says, "Wow!  Well, I've never had a plaid one before, so I'll take it!"  She pays her $250 and leaves with her plaid dildo.
A while later, the owner of the shop comes in.  He says to the guy, "So, how's business going tonight?"  The employee tells him, "Not bad - I sold a black dildo, and a white dildo.  Oh, yeah, and I sold your thermos for $250."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3afp8z/the_sex_shop/
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So an Irishman walks out of bar...

Haha no he didn't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3afmz5/so_an_irishman_walks_out_of_bar/
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Cowboy and his horse get ambushed by indians

So this cowboy is riding his horse on the road, when suddenly he's ambushed by dozens of indians, all painted and armed for war, screaming and waving their weapons at him. He looks around, assesses the situation and, knowing what awaits him, sighs and says: "Well, we're fucked."
His horse, who had been all the while calmly looking as the natives circled around them and screamed, shoots back: "Nope. We're not fucked."
"What?", asks the cowboy. "How come we're not fucked?"
"We're not fucked", repeats the horse, firmly.
"Listen. We're surrounded by all these indians, they're clearly willing to kill us, we're trapped, there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and we can't take them all. How do you figure we're NOT fucked?!"
"Okay, here's what you do," says the horse, still calm. "See that big rock on the floor, over there?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, you get off of me, go over there, pick up the rock," continues the horse, "and throw it hard at that dude over there. See the big guy, with the headdress and the war paint, looking all aggressive and hostile? Yeah, that one. Just throw that rock at him with all your strength."
The cowboy, seeing as he hadn't come up with anything better and was fucked anyway, decides to go with it. So he gets down from the horse, walks over to the rock and throws it at the chief with all that he's got. Rock flies straight in the chief's direction and hits him right on the forehead. The chief falls to the floor, unconscious, as the other indians just get angrier and start screaming louder towards them.
The cowboy runs fast back to the horse, climbs back up and says: "Alright, horse, so what now?"
"Well, NOW we're fucked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3afesm/cowboy_and_his_horse_get_ambushed_by_indians/
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Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a sniper. He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into the states to play for his team.
After a very successful rookie season the young man was discussing his rookie of the year award via telephone with his mother.
She told him that she was proud but living in fear constantly. She continued " your brother was shot twice just in the last few weeks and your sister is regularly the victim of assault. Matters have escalated and life is worse than it has ever been. I will never, ever forgive you for bringing us to Philly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3afbjw/lucky_day_for_philadelphia_eagles_head_coach_chip/
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Two midgets are tired of being virgins.

They've been best friends for life and never had any luck with the ladies, so one day they decide to hire a couple of hookers and pop their cherries.
Now we're not talking any old slags off the corner here, we are talking real money, high class ladies.
Their escorts in hand the two midgets retire to a hotel and take two rooms right next to each other.
One of the midgets, heads into the room on the left. He is nervous, knees shaking, palms sweaty he has no idea what to do, all he can see is a perfect woman sitting on the bed, beautiful as a picture and ready to go all the way.
But our hero just can't get in the mood, he's so nervous he can't get the blood flowing to the right places, suddenly he hears from his friends room next door:
"ONE, TWO, THREE, HUHHH! ONE, TWO, THREE, HUHHH!"
This puts him more on edge, He tries to stroke up a response from his pocket rocket but nothing is happening.
"ONE, TWO, THREE, HUHHH! ONE, TWO, THREE, HUHHH!"
Eventually he gives into dispair, he pays the hooker and sheepishly apologises, she leaves and eventually he tries to get some sleep, lulled to the chorus of,
"ONE, TWO, THREE, HUHHH! ONE, TWO, THREE, HUHHH!"
The next morning our poor midget heads down to the hotel lobby and spies his friend there. His friend says to him;
"So, have any luck last night?"
Our poor friend sighs "No, it was awful, I just couldn't get in the mood! I got no sex and paid the hooker anyway. Still it sounded like you had an amazing time!"
To which his friend replies;
"What do you mean? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3afahv/two_midgets_are_tired_of_being_virgins/
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The Brothel...

The madam opened the brothel door in  Winnipeg, Canada and saw a dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked.The man replied, "I want to see Valerie.""Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam.He replied,   "No, I must see Valerie."Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.    After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts… The price is still $5000."Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.After an hour, he left.The following night the man was there yet again.Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.""Where are you from?"The man replied, " New Brunswick .""Really," she said. "I have family in  New Brunswick .""I know" the man said.  Your sister died, and I am her attorney and she asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.
"The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain:
Death
Taxes
Being screwed by a lawyer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3afa9z/the_brothel/
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Military joke

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?” Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds” Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!” General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds” Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!” General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?” Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3af7x7/military_joke/
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The blonde girl.

Jenny, a blonde girl, came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.
See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
... The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.
See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day, Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "we were in gym class today and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3af7op/the_blonde_girl/
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Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?  That's a pretty long time to perform.  How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God.  "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3af5sv/ok_i_finally_understand_my_life/
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Perfect

A friend asked a gentleman why he never married.
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3af1tk/perfect/
%
A cucumber, a tomato, and a dick walk into to a bar.

The cucumber says, man I'm pretty stressed, I just found out when we get big and thick, they put is in an airtight jar, and lock is in a cold room for a week.  The tomato says, man that's nothing, when we get big and thick they chop us up into tiny little pieces and put us in dips and sandwiches.   The dick  says,  that ain't shit!  When we get big and thick they throw a trash back over us, stuff us in a tight, dark room.  Then they slam our head against the wall until we throw up all over ourselves and pass out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aeyry/a_cucumber_a_tomato_and_a_dick_walk_into_to_a_bar/
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I explained to my mate that Reddit was filled with lots of black humour and he asked if it was "because the posts were dark and gritty"

I said "No, it's because the majority of the posts are either stolen or get shot down"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aexbb/i_explained_to_my_mate_that_reddit_was_filled/
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A man wakes up to find a gorilla on his roof one morning

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.
"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.
"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aewet/a_man_wakes_up_to_find_a_gorilla_on_his_roof_one/
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My wife walked out

on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just couldn't take it any longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aet59/my_wife_walked_out/
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You wake in a field, nude, grass stained elbows, knees and a condom in your ass, Do you tell anyone?

No? Wanna come camping with me this weekend?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aervh/you_wake_in_a_field_nude_grass_stained_elbows/
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Documentary Crew on a Cannibal Island

A documentary crew of three guys explore an island and stumble across some natives. The natives turn out to be cannibals and the three guys get captured and tied up.
They are each given an option;
"You can either complete our two trials, fail and we'll kill you and eat you or don't take part in the trials and we'll kill you and eat you right now."
All three decided the trials were a better option.
"So what is the first trial?" one said.
"Go into the forest and gather 10 of the same kind of fruit then return" said the Chief.
"Easy enough" said the men and were escorted into the forest to gather fruit.
The first of the three men chose to gather apples and it did not take him too long so he returned promptly.
"What is the next trial?" he asked the Chief.
"Now take those 10 fruit, insert them into your anus and do not make any noise, fail and be eaten."
Shocked but with no option the man began to insert apples into his anus. After the third apple he couldn't help but wince in pain. He was killed and thrown into a cooking pot.
The second of the men returned having gathered 10 small berries off the ground. He too was told the second trial required inserting them into his anus without making a sound.
Easily enough the berries went in. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. And on the 9th berry the man burst out into laughter, was killed and thrown into the pot.
At the gates of heaven, the first guy observed what had just happened and when his friend joined him to enter the pearly gates he had to ask;
"You had 9 berries in your anus then burst out laughing! You were nearly free! Why did you laugh?"
To which the other guy responded;
"I just saw our friend coming out of the forest carrying pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aer08/documentary_crew_on_a_cannibal_island/
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Wanna hear a clean joke?

Johnny took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles was the girl next door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aeq98/wanna_hear_a_clean_joke/
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A husband and wife decide that each can give the other one 3 rules they have to follow.

The wife starts. ´First of all, I want to watch a movie togheter once every week. And I get to decide which one´ Her husband says: ´Of course I agree honey.´ The wife continues: ´Second of all, I want the house to smell nice. You need to make sure there are always 3 scented candles on.´ Her husband says: ´Of course honey. I will do that even when you're not there.´ The wife continues: ´And finally, you need to help take care of my cat. She needs food twice a day, and her litterbox needs to be cleaned once a day.´ The husband says: ´Of course I will do that honey, especially when you're not there.´
Now it is the husband's turn. ´First of all, I want the tv for myself for 3 hours a week.´ The wife says: ´Of course I agree honey.´ Her husband continues: ´Second of all, I want my car to look perfect. You need to clean off any dirt you see.´ The wife says: ´Of course honey. I will do that even when you're not there.´ The husband continues: ´And finally, you need to give blowjobs.´ The wife says: ´Of course I will do that honey, especially when you're not there.´

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aenz7/a_husband_and_wife_decide_that_each_can_give_the/
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Why is a vagina similar to the weather?

Because when it's wet, it's time to go insiiiiide!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aelxd/why_is_a_vagina_similar_to_the_weather/
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What do you call a Pakistani prostitute in France?

Lahore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ael2b/what_do_you_call_a_pakistani_prostitute_in_france/
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At last, a herb related joke

It's about thyme

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aee4a/at_last_a_herb_related_joke/
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The human brain is amazing

It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aed3f/the_human_brain_is_amazing/
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How do you tell if someone is ticklish?

Testicles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aecl0/how_do_you_tell_if_someone_is_ticklish/
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A guy walks in a library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide

Librarian: Fuck you, you won't return it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aecks/a_guy_walks_in_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
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A blonde is about to solve a crossword...

... but still misses some answers.
She asks for a help her best friend,
"Jane, could you help me solving this pls. - the clue says 'Feminine intercourse part' - with 4 letters.."
"Across or down?" asks her friend.
"It's across"
"Then it should be lips"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aeb8k/a_blonde_is_about_to_solve_a_crossword/
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A woman walks into a bar...

A woman walks into a bar with her pet newt on her shoulder. She sits down on a stool and orders a beer. The barman looks at the woman and her newt and asks her, "What's his name?"
"Tiny." The woman replies.
"Why tiny?" The barman inquires.
"Because he's my newt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aeb6o/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
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Man's Best Friend

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, “That’s quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?”
After quickly downing his drink the man replied, “I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.”
“Wow”, exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, “No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one’s on the house.”
As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, “So what did you do?”
“I walked over to my wife”, the man replied, “looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out.”
“That makes sense”, said the bartender, “but what about your best friend?”
“I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said ‘Bad dog!’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aea3m/mans_best_friend/
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A man calls in to work sick on a Friday

His boss asks him, "Why what's wrong with you?"
He replies, "its my eyes boss... I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ae9gn/a_man_calls_in_to_work_sick_on_a_friday/
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Three women are sitting in the maternity ward...

discussing the sex of their unborn babies.
The first woman says, "I'm going to have a girl, because I was on top."
The second woman replies, "Well *I'm* going to have a boy because I was on bottom!"
By now, the third woman is crying hysterically.  The other two ask her what's wrong, and she composes herself just long enough to answer,
"I'm having puppies!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ae8yv/three_women_are_sitting_in_the_maternity_ward/
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George Bush is with the Queen of England.

George: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?"
"Well" said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
George frowned and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are intelligent?"
The Queen: "Easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron, would you come in here, please?"
David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, ma'am?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me, ma'am."
"Very good! Thank you, David!" said the Queen.
Then she turned to George with a smile and said "See?"
Now its George's turn to apply the same logic...
George went back to the USA and asked Jeb..
"Jeb, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure." said Jeb. "Let me get back to you on that one..."
Jeb went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer...
Finally, he ran into Obama and asked, "Hey, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"..
Obama answered, "That's easy, it's me!"
Jeb said, "Thanks!"
Then he went back to George. "I did some thinking and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Barack Obama."
George slapped him.
and shouted..
"No! You dumb idiot! It's David Cameron."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ae563/george_bush_is_with_the_queen_of_england/
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My ex-wife got a job in Huston giving back-rubs in Walmart

She's the Texas Chain Store Massager

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ae2es/my_exwife_got_a_job_in_huston_giving_backrubs_in/
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Old man on a porch sees a younger guy walk by holding something. "Whatcha got, boy?" he says to the guy.

"Chicken wire, sir. I'm gonna catch me some chickens."
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.
"Watch me!" and an hour later, the guy returned with 10 chickens wrapped up in the chicken wire.
Next day, same guy's walking down the street.
Old man says, "Whatcha got today, boy?"
"Duct tape, sir. I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
"You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" says the old man.
"Watch me!" and an hour later, the guy returned with 20 ducks wrapped up in the duct tape.
Next day, the guy walks down the road and the old man says, "*Now* whatcha got today, boy?"
"Pussywillow, sir."
The old man says, "Hold on, I'll get my hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ae1ab/old_man_on_a_porch_sees_a_younger_guy_walk_by/
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A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink .....

so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ae0qz/a_math_professor_john_is_having_problems_with_his/
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Interview

p.s: sorry about my english im not an native english speaker, this is the translation from my country joke (indonesia)
A woman came to a job interview.  Then the interviewer says: "You have 2 choices, do you prefer me to ask you 10 easy questions, or 1 difficult question?"
After thinking for a while, the woman choose 1 difficult question. Then the interviewer asks: "Which came first, the night or the day?"
Without even thinking, The woman answer:"THE NIGHT, Sir."
Curious, The interviewer asks again:"How can you be so sure Night came first?"
"Sorry sir, but you promised me only one difficult question."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3adzvk/interview/
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed

. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3adyy6/a_woman_awakes_during_the_night_to_find_that_her/
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Grandad what's a cunt?

One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, "Grandad, what's a cunt?"
The grandad looks at him for a while then goes and gets one of his old porno mags. He flips it open, pages through and leaves it open on a picture of a naked woman posing.
"You see those two stars up there on top and that little black bar down below Johnny?"
"Yes."
"Well the person who put them there is a cunt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3adp0u/grandad_whats_a_cunt/
%
An English, German, and Italian woman are having lunch together.

They complain to each other about their husbands. The English woman begins, 'I am tired of my husband expecting me to do all the cooking in the house. When I get home I will tell him that if he wants a home cooked meal from now on he will have to cook it himself.'
The German said, 'I am tired of my husband expecting me to all the laundry in the house. When I get home I will tell him if he wants clean laundry from now on he can wash it himself.'
The Italian said, 'I am tired of my husband expecting me to do all the cleaning in the house. When I get home I will tell him that if he wants a clean house he can clean it himself.'
With that, they finished lunch and parted ways. A week later they met up again in the same spot for lunch.
The English woman says, 'When I got home I told my husband I wasn't going to cook for him anymore. On the first day I saw nothing. On the second day I saw nothing. On the third day my husband had cooked a wonderful home mean for both of us.'
The German went next. 'When I got home I told my husband that I wasn't going to do any more laundry. On the first day I saw nothing. On the second day I saw nothing. On the third day my husband had done all the laundry in the house, mine and his.'
Finally, the Italian was up. 'When I got home I told my husband that I wasn't going to clean anymore. On the first day I saw nothing. On the second day I saw nothing. On the third day I could see a little bit with my left eye.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3adosc/an_english_german_and_italian_woman_are_having/
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Before they can be ordained, three young men have to undergo an ordeal which will test the chastity of their thoughts.

Ordered by a priest to strip, the trio have rubber bands fastened to their private parts and are ushered into a bedroom where a beautiful girl lies naked on the bed.
After a few moments there is aloud *Boing!* The first seminarian is told to go to the showers to cool his ardour.
A moment later there is a second loud *Boing!* The owner of the rigid member is also sent to the showers.
Minutes pass, and when nothing happened to the third aspiring clergyman, he is congratulated by the priest.
'Well done, my son,' he enthuses. 'Now go and join the others in the shower.'
*Boing!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3adnor/before_they_can_be_ordained_three_young_men_have/
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A hurricane comes unexpectedly.

The ship goes down and is lost. A man finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to five-star hotels, this guy has no idea what to do, so for the next four months he eats bananas, drinks coconut juice and longs for his old life. He fixes his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he is lying on the beach, he spots a movement out of the corner of his eye. It's a rowboat, and in it is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen. She rows up to him.
In disbelief, he asks her, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
'I rowed from the other side of the island,' she says. 'I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he says. 'I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.'
'It's only me,' she says, 'and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did.'
He is confused. 'Then how did you get the rowboat?'
'Oh, simple,' replies the woman. 'I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. I whittled the oars from the gumtree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a coconut tree.'
'B-b-but that's impossible,' stutters the man. 'You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replies the woman. 'On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into the forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that,' she says. 'Where do you live?'
Sheepishly, he confesses that he has been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
'Well, let's row over to my place then,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to the shore he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only state ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?'
'No, no thank you,' he says, still dazed. 'I can't take any more coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' the woman replies. 'I have a still. How about a pina colada?'
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?' There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There in the cabinet is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons him over to sit down next o her.
'Tell me,' she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'we have been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know...'
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he is hearing.
'You mean?' he replies, '...I can check Reddit from here?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3adlua/a_hurricane_comes_unexpectedly/
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There are two types of people in life

Those that pee in the shower
And Liars!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3adkeg/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_life/
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An attractive blonde was driving down a country road...

when she spotted another blonde in the middle of a wheat field, rowing a boat for all her worth.
Curious, she stopped the car, staring in disbelief as the woman pulled and sweated.
When she couldn’t stand it any more, she called-out, “Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?”
Stopping her efforts for the moment, the blond in the boat responds, “Because it’s an ‘ocean’ of wheat!”
The blond standing on the side of the road is furious! She yells at the rower, “It’s blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name!”
The woman in the boat just shrugs her shoulders and begins to row again.
Standing by her car, the woman is beside herself. She shakes her fist at the woman in the field, yelling, “If I could swim I’d come out there and kick your ass!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3adkee/an_attractive_blonde_was_driving_down_a_country/
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One day, a blonde and a brunette are sitting together for lunch.

The brunette sets a thermos on the table, and the blonde asks what it is.
'It's a thermos,' says the brunette. 'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
The blonde stares in awe as the brunette pours steaming hot coffee out to show her. The next day, the blonde is showing off her 'new' thermos to another blonde.
'See this?' she asks.
'What is it?' the other blonde asks.
'It's a thermos, and it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold!'
'Oh, what do you have in it?' the new blonde asks.
'Two cups of coffee and an ice block.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3adizg/one_day_a_blonde_and_a_brunette_are_sitting/
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A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

It's an oldie but it's good for those of us that understand music theory/play instruments.
---
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3adg7n/a_c_an_eflat_and_a_g_go_into_a_bar/
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What can a mathematician and a pedophile agree upon?

11 is a prime number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3add12/what_can_a_mathematician_and_a_pedophile_agree/
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On my first day at school, me and my twin sister were put in the same English class.

The teacher then asked everyone to give one interesting fact about themselves.
'I'm actually a twin, and me and Jem were born on the 23rd of February making us Pisces.' I said.
'Jem and I' responded the teacher.
'No, definitely Pisces' I said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3adbda/on_my_first_day_at_school_me_and_my_twin_sister/
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Why is gravity the weakest of the 4 fundamental forces?

Because it doesn't even lift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ad5vt/why_is_gravity_the_weakest_of_the_4_fundamental/
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I was sitting on the subway next to a fat guy and it got me thinking...

So I turned to him and asked "How can you let yourself get so fat? Isn't it hard to put that much weight on?"
"Nah, piece of cake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ad5uz/i_was_sitting_on_the_subway_next_to_a_fat_guy_and/
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Went to a zoo the other day. The only exhibit was a dog.

it was a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ad5u6/went_to_a_zoo_the_other_day_the_only_exhibit_was/
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Two old men were sitting on a bench...

one turns to the other and says "have you ever had one of those moments where you mean to say one thing, but it comes out all wrong? Like last week at the train station I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh."
The other man turns and says "that just happened to me this morning. I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the sugar, instead I said: You bitch, you ruined my life!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ad2lq/two_old_men_were_sitting_on_a_bench/
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Do you ever think about the Vice President...

...sitting at his desk, looking around his office and thinking to himself, "Fucking corners."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ad1pr/do_you_ever_think_about_the_vice_president/
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The lawyer and the farmer

One day a lawyer was duck hunting on some land that neighbored a farmer's land. The lawyer shot a duck and by the time it fell to the ground it was on the farmer's property. The farmer was tending his land and saw it all. He got off his tractor and met the lawyer as he was retrieving the duck.
The lawyer says, "Sorry about that. Honest mistake. I didn't think he would make it to your property." The farmer replied, "Well, I've asked you before to not shoot anything if it ends up on my property. So I'm gonna have to keep that duck."
The lawyer quickly puffs out his chest and says, "Sir, I don't think that's gonna happen! I know we've talked about this but it was an honest mistake! Now listen, I shot this duck. It was over my land when I shot it. I have the proper licenses to harvest this duck, and if you intend to keep me from claiming this duck, I'll sue you!"
The farmer says, "Hold on a minute, there's no reason to throw around threats like that. We can handle this like men. How 'bout this: instead of going to court and whatnot, why don't we settle this like we did back in the old days. A little Swap 3?"
The lawyer says, "What in the world is Swap 3?"
The farmer explains, "It's real simple. Each guy gets to take 3 shots on the other guy: punching, kicking, elbowing, etc. and we go back and forth until one gives up."
The lawyer, being around 6'2" and nearing 250, sizes up the old farmer at around 5'8" and 175 pounds. The lawyer says, "Sir, you will rue the day you offered me this. I accept." They shook on it.
The farmer says, "Okay. Well, since the duck landed on my property, I think I should get the first shots. What do you say?"
The lawyer, almost feeling guilty for his clear size advantage, says, "Ok, that's fair enough."
The farmer rolls up his flannel sleeves, makes sure the lawyer is ready, and *swiftly* kicks him in the balls. The lawyer doubles over in absolute agony, spitting up and trying to catch his breath. The farmer gets closer to him, puts his hands on the lawyer's shoulders and knees him right in the kisser. The lawyer leans way back, trying not to fall backwards, and as soon as he regains his balance the farmer hits him with a clean right straight to the jaw. The lawyer tumbles over in a heap.
After the lawyer stood back up and wiped the blood off his mouth, he said to the farmer, "Alright, old man, you're **really** about to get it now!"
The farmer says, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ad0jb/the_lawyer_and_the_farmer/
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There's nothing scarier then a mosquito

coming out of Magic Johnson's house

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3acu75/theres_nothing_scarier_then_a_mosquito/
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A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"
The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed.
"I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out."
The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?"
"Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman
"Yes." replies the fish.
"Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?"
"Yes."
"And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?"
"Yes."
"Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3acsk8/a_german_a_frenchman_and_an_englishman_go_fishing/
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I had a welsh friend who tried counting all his lovers to me

but each time, I kept falling asleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3acr0o/i_had_a_welsh_friend_who_tried_counting_all_his/
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What do you call a midget who makes inappropriate jokes in the workplace?

A little unprofessional

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3acpvb/what_do_you_call_a_midget_who_makes_inappropriate/
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What type of car does an African drive?

A Sudan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3acpto/what_type_of_car_does_an_african_drive/
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What is better than Roses on a Piano?

Tulips on an Organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ack1u/what_is_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
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I like girls who don't study.

Because they want the D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ach6i/i_like_girls_who_dont_study/
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Four guys are in a bar bragging about their kids when one goes to piss..

First guy says, "my son is in real estate and is so successful he just gave a guy a house". Next one says, "my boy is at Ferrari and just gave his friend a car". Third guy says, "oh yeah? My son is in charge of Boeing and just gave his friend a jet"! The fourth guy returns and they ask what his son has accomplished and he says, "well, my son, my son is gay. And he's a male prostitute". The other three start to give him shit and he says, " say what you want but he has a new house, a new Ferrari and a Lear Jet"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3acgie/four_guys_are_in_a_bar_bragging_about_their_kids/
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What's the main difference between a man and a woman?

It's what comes to mind when they think of the word facial.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3acfjm/whats_the_main_difference_between_a_man_and_a/
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I just overheard a co-worker announce she got tickets to a Nickelback concert.

That's all, she was completely serious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ac6wl/i_just_overheard_a_coworker_announce_she_got/
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Wife came home Sunday afternoon

to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day. She yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do."
"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3abzw4/wife_came_home_sunday_afternoon/
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A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,

the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
... So they buried Debbie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3abyj1/a_cruise_in_the_pacific_goes_all_wrong/
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What is Forrest Gump's password?

1Forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3abwb9/what_is_forrest_gumps_password/
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3absqn/whats_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/
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What's long, hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3abqcy/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
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One afternoon, a Cessna landed at Area 51

the US Airforce high security "secret" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded & the pilot was interrogated.
The pilot's story was that - he took off from Vegas, got lost & spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot & held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost & wasn't a spy.
They re fueled his airplane, threatened him that if he lands again he would spend the rest of his life in prison, and let him go.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force personnel, the same Cessna landed there again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out & said:
"Do anything you want - to me, but my wife is in the plane & you have to tell her ... where I was last night!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3abl1z/one_afternoon_a_cessna_landed_at_area_51/
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How Long is an asian dick

I mean, seriously, I saw him stealing cookies from a little girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3abkmq/how_long_is_an_asian_dick/
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A couple have just left a party...

A couple have just left a party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car.
The woman wants some fun so strips off her dress to flash at passers-by. In doing so, the boyfriend gets distracted and crashes the car into a nearby ditch.
The naked woman is thrown clear however her boyfriend is stuck in the wreckage. The only item of clothing nearby is her boyfriends shoe so she grabs it to cover her crotch and heads to a nearby garage.
She sees a mechanic and shouts "help! My boyfriends stuck." The mechanic takes one look at the shoe and says "Your going to need a doctor. He's too far in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3abicg/a_couple_have_just_left_a_party/
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I have the heart of a lion..

..and a lifetime ban from the Toronto Zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3abfsa/i_have_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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A marine hero gets back home and the president grants him one wish for his effort

The president said that he would fulfill any wish the hero marine asked for.
"I want 50$ for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls"- said the marine.
The president, a bit surprised, accepted.
They started measuring him and saw that he has no balls.
"Where are your balls?"- they asked.
"In Afghanistan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3abc9c/a_marine_hero_gets_back_home_and_the_president/
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Whats a cannibals favorite game?

Swallow the leader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3abbzs/whats_a_cannibals_favorite_game/
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What do Chinese lumberjacks do?

Chopsticks

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3abbxx/what_do_chinese_lumberjacks_do/
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There's a flower shop in my town...

...that always had great business until one day, a group of local monks opened a flower shop right across the street. Of course, everybody wanted to buy flowers from the brothers. The original flower shop began losing a dangerous amount of business. The owner of the shop began visiting the friars every day to try to ask, beg, and bribe the monks into shutting down their store. They were utterly unsuccessful. Finally, the shop owner went down to the local pub to enlist the help of Hugh McTaggert, the biggest, baddest drunkard in town. Hugh broke into the monks' flower shop in the middle of the night and absolutely trashed the place from top to bottom. He left with a note that said "leave now." Not surprisingly, the monks packed up the very next day and headed back to the monastery. The moral of the story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3abbrl/theres_a_flower_shop_in_my_town/
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A penny saved...

... is 350 Trillion Zimbabwe dollars earned!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3abayl/a_penny_saved/
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Police are like a box of chocolates

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ab6jc/police_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job?

Marry her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ab64p/how_do_you_stop_a_woman_giving_you_a_blow_job/
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Raisin Bread

A general store owner hires a young attractive female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?" "No," says the old man "....... But its starting to twitch..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ab4nm/raisin_bread/
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The tale of a Y2K programmer from the 1900's. [x-post from /r/ProgrammerHumor]

In 1998, a programmer who had been working on Y2K fixes started to get anxious because he couldn't believe how pervasive the problem was. He switched from company to company trying to get away from it, but everywhere he went he became regarded as the Y2K expert and immediately became the team lead for that company's Y2K contingencies. He finally had a nervous breakdown, quit his job, and decided he wanted to be knocked unconscious when the Y2K actually came about.
A month before Y2K he was put into an artificial coma and cooled down to a near cryogenic easily sustained long term life support.
Unfortunately the life support notification system had a Y2K bug, and no one revived him for 8000 years.
Finally he was found and revived. He woke up, and saw himself surrounded by lots of glass, light, stainless steel, and tall beautiful people in white robes. He asked if he was in Heaven.
They replied, "No, this is Chicago. Actually but it's a lot like Heaven to someone like you."
"Someone like me?"
"You are from the 20th century. Many of the problems that existed in your lifetime have been solved for thousands of years. There is no hunger and no disease. There is no scarcity, or strife between races and creeds."
"What year is it now?"
"Yeah, about that - it's the year 9,998. You see, the year 10,000 is coming up, and we understand you know something called COBOL?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ab0bl/the_tale_of_a_y2k_programmer_from_the_1900s_xpost/
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A series of Goosebumps themed German beer mugs:

R.L. Steins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ab0ah/a_series_of_goosebumps_themed_german_beer_mugs/
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Woman goes to the doctor..

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’
‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aaz4e/woman_goes_to_the_doctor/
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Why didn't anyone hear Helen Keller fall off a cliff?

She had mittens on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aav1a/why_didnt_anyone_hear_helen_keller_fall_off_a/
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There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,
His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,
Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aauxc/there_once_was_a_poet_named_bates/
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American Customs

A China-man decides to retire and move to USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He bought a home on a small piece of land.
A few days after moving in the friendly American neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the China-man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and see the China-man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the China-man leading a bull down the drive-way, ...pause..., and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.
The American bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the China-man and says, "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you."
The China man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs. I doing, these American Customs."
"What do you mean?" says the neighbour, "Those aren't American customs."
Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the China-man, "He say to become true American, I must learn to... chase chicks, ... get piss drunk, and ... listen to bull-shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aatrt/american_customs/
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A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to a recently married couple's house...

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch completely naked.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says " What's for dinner?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aapst/a_motherinlaw_stopped_by_unexpectedly_to_a/
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Why is Caitlyn Jenner so skinny?

Because the FDA just banned trans fats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aan2b/why_is_caitlyn_jenner_so_skinny/
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Bass Solo

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.
The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing he can do can get them to talk to each other.
Finally, he pulls out an electric bass and starts playing a solo.
Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months.
“How on earth did you know that would work?” they ask.
“Simple,” he says, “Everyone always talks during the bass solo.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aalun/bass_solo/
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Two men want to go moose hunting in Northern Canada...

They find a guide who tells them he'll fly a plane for them, but they are only allowed to shoot one moose because the small plane cannot hold more than one.  He explains that last year two hunters convinced the pilot to carry two moose and the plane went down, killing the pilot and seriously injuring the hunters.  The two men agree to these terms and they are off.  The guide drops them off and says he'll be back tomorrow afternoon.
The men thank him for the ride and then continue on their way to find a moose.  They go looking for one, and find it with an hour.  They carefully take aim and down the moose.  Concerned that they have to wait another day for the plane to come back, the decide to continue on to find another.  They drag it back the the runway and start again.
The next morning they kill the second moose, drag it to the runway beside the first, and wait.  When the pilot returns he is concerned.  He explains that he cannot take two moose in the plane.  The two guys get angry, and tell him that they are small enough that it will be fine.
The pilot reluctantly agrees.  After they take off, the plane is obviously struggling.  They dip down slowly, and a bit more, until the wing clips a tree and they crash into the ground.  The pilot immediately dies.
One man pulls the other out to safety.
"Where are we?" the first asks.
"I'm not sure," the second explains.  "Let me climb a tree and check."
He climbs the tree and when he is at the very top the first man asks, "Well, do you know where we are?"
"Yea," the second guy yells.  "About a mile from where we crashed last year!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aallb/two_men_want_to_go_moose_hunting_in_northern/
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Break ups are the worst in China

You see her face everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aal1o/break_ups_are_the_worst_in_china/
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Parallel lines have got so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never get to meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aaks4/parallel_lines_have_got_so_much_in_common/
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Five Little Piggies

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. As the farmers lived 60 miles from each other, they agreed to meet halfway and find a field in which to mate their pigs.
The first morning the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, and drove the 30 miles.
While the pigs were mating he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they’re pregnant?”
The other farmer replied, “Tomorrow morning, if they’re in the grass grazing, then they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.”
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so the farmer called the other farmer, hosed his pigs off; loaded them into the family station wagon and drove off to try again.
The following morning, it was mud again! This continued for a week until one morning the farmer was so tired he couldn’t get out of bed.
He called out to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field.”
“Well, neither,” yelled his wife. “They’re all in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aak2i/five_little_piggies/
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Where does Noah keep his bees?

In the Ark Hives

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aaj06/where_does_noah_keep_his_bees/
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Yet another police joke.

A police officer stops a car for speeding.
"I'm sorry, but I have to give you a ticket. However, I won't fine you if you solve this riddle." says the officer.
The man in the car accepts.
"Okay then. It's nighttime, you're on a road and you see two lights approaching. What is it?"
"A car", promptly answers the man.
"That's too vague-", says the officer, "it can be any kind of car. I'll have to give you a ticket."
"No!", says the man, "give me another chance."
The officer agrees and says: "It's nighttime, you're on a road and you see a single light approaching. What is it?"
"A motorbike", answers the man.
"That's too vague-", answers again the officer, "it can be any kind of motorbike. I'm sorry but you failed again."
"Oh come on! Give me a last chance!" says the man.
The officer agrees again and says: "It's nighttime, you're on a road and you see two low and wide-apart lights. What is it?"
"A truck", answers the man. But again, the officer says it's "too vague".
So the man goes: "Considering that we're playing games, may I give you a riddle too?"
"Okay" says the officer. The man proceeds then to tell: "It's nighttime, you're on a road and you see a flickering light. Close to it there is a young woman dressed in a revealing outfit. What is it?"
"A whore", says the officer.
"Too vague!", says the man, "It could be your mom, your sister, your wife..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aahfx/yet_another_police_joke/
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What is the difference between a terrorist training camp and a Pakistani elementary school?

I don't know, I just fly the drones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aae16/what_is_the_difference_between_a_terrorist/
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I cannot wait for my date tonight.

Dates really are the best part of ramadan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aadod/i_cannot_wait_for_my_date_tonight/
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A woman will appear on the $10 bill!!

It will be the first $10 bill to be worth $7.50

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aaa7h/a_woman_will_appear_on_the_10_bill/
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I dreamt I was making a salad.

I was tossing all night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aa4ix/i_dreamt_i_was_making_a_salad/
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The Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana when he sees a sign in front of a broken down house ‘Talking Dog For Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there.
“You talk?” he says.
“Yep” the dog replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog speak, he says “So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well. I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”
“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”
“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars.” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aa33v/the_talking_dog/
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"Five Horses Is Her Name"

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.   He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife.   What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered,   "It old Indian name. It mean ..."
"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3aa1cx/five_horses_is_her_name/
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I took my new dog outside to go to the bathroom but he didn't like my yard

I told him, "I know it's not the best, but you'll have to make doo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9zrh/i_took_my_new_dog_outside_to_go_to_the_bathroom/
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What do you call an angry black man?

Typical. What do you call an angry white man?
Active shooter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9yug/what_do_you_call_an_angry_black_man/
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What does a healthy dog and a blind gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9vc9/what_does_a_healthy_dog_and_a_blind_gynecologist/
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My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9ug7/my_butcher_is_very_rude/
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What do you call a fat joke on reddit?

Banned

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9ru2/what_do_you_call_a_fat_joke_on_reddit/
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I tried to catch some fog the other day...

Mist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9or7/i_tried_to_catch_some_fog_the_other_day/
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;

it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.'
The man replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman. Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9ojy/a_woman_and_a_man_are_involved_in_a_car_accident/
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I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us.

He’s not dead, just very condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9oak/im_sure_wherever_my_dad_is_hes_looking_down_on_us/
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My ten year old son just asked me what were the 80's like.

So I turned the Wi-Fi off and took away his smart phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9o4f/my_ten_year_old_son_just_asked_me_what_were_the/
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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday ..

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9n67/my_girlfriend_broke_up_with_me_yesterday/
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11 Geeky Jokes

1. What does a subatomic duck say “Quark”.
2. Why did I divide Sin by Tan, Just Cos.
3. Why programmers like UNIX:
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep
4. Why can’t you trust atoms, they make up everything.
5. A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax.
6. UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
7. 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d.
8. Two inventions came out of Berkeley: LSD and Unix. We don’t believe this is a coincidence.
9. A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice, only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said “We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed”.
The engineer said “I think I’ve got a few spanners in the back. I’ll take a look and see if I can work out what’s wrong”.
The programmer said “Why don’t we get going again and see if it’s reproducible?”
10. If your mom was a collection class, her insert method would be public.
11. http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=recursion
Bonus 12th Joke: The only “intuitive” user interface is the nipple. After that, it’s all learned.
Source: http://clickfifty.com/11-super-nerd-jokes-thatll-ground-you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9m37/11_geeky_jokes/
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You're like school in July...

No class

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9i1h/youre_like_school_in_july/
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Two hookers were on a street corner.

They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, 'Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.' The other hooker looked at her and said, 'No, I just burped.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9ghu/two_hookers_were_on_a_street_corner/
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how much can you take?

a woman with her daughter were chatting when the grandmother came in.
The mother was saying : "i can take it til the the first third then it becomes really hard for me."
The daughter said :"well, i can stand the first half only then i can't take it anymore"
The grandmother replied : "even if he goes balls deep i wont feel a thing"
they both look at her with a WTF look and the mother say "uh. mom.. we're talking about Ramadan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9bdq/how_much_can_you_take/
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I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a9a6v/i_opened_a_company_selling_land_mines_that_look/
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Silly Billy

(Its a translation of a popular joke from my country. My English is a bit rusty. )
So Silly Billy was driving and he had a door on the roof of his car. A Police Officer pulled him over.
Police Officer - Where are you taking this door?
Billy - Oh, I am taking it to the locksmith.
Police - What?.... Why?
Billy - Oh I lost my key and I need to unlock the lock.
Officer laughed a bit and asked
Police - What if a theif gets into your house?
Billy - No one can get in my house. I got the door right here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a97ex/silly_billy/
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My neighbor won't give me a straightforward answer, he's always beating around the bush.

Every time I ask why he just says "fuck you Gerald, it's my bush and I'll masturbate here if I want to"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a965y/my_neighbor_wont_give_me_a_straightforward_answer/
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Confucius says: good to meet girl in park

But better to park meat in girl

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a932w/confucius_says_good_to_meet_girl_in_park/
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Why did ygritte break up with Jon Snow?

She didn't want six inches of snow all year long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a925y/why_did_ygritte_break_up_with_jon_snow/
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A nazi plane is shot down somewhere over a North African desert; the pilot survives.

He wanders for nearly two days. Having quickly run out of water, he is crazed with thirst when he crawls over a sand dune and sees an elderly Jewish man standing in front of a table covered in neck ties.
"Water, water..." croaks the Nazi pilot.
"I don't have any water, unfortunately," apologizes the Jewish man. "I do have these lovely neck ties though. Would you like one?"
"You stupid, filthy Jew," curses the Nazi. "Can't you see I'm dying? I need water!"
"You're right, I'm so sorry," says the Jewish man, pointing toward the setting sun. "If you head in that direction about ten kilometers you'll find a fancy country club. I'm sure they'll be able to help you."
Faint with thirst and furious at the Jewish man, the Nazi stumbles toward the setting sun.
He stumbles back three hours later.
"They won't let me in without a tie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a923o/a_nazi_plane_is_shot_down_somewhere_over_a_north/
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My friends told me I needed to loosen up....

so we went to a club and had a few drinks, after the 5th one I was ready dance.
So I went to the dance floor and then "The Twist" began to play, and I did The Twist.
Then "The Hustle" began to play, and I did The Hustle
Then "Come on Eileen" played and I got banned from the club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a91tn/my_friends_told_me_i_needed_to_loosen_up/
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Hitler was a great man.

He killed Hitler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a90xy/hitler_was_a_great_man/
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The Final Exam

A group of college buddies were about to graduate, and near the end of their exams, they decided to live it up on the weekend, so they took a little roadtrip to a resort town nearby. They laughed, they hit on cute girls, they partied hard. They had a final exam Monday morning, so late Sunday night they packed it up and drove home.
Monday morning rolls around, and they all sleep in, and miss the exam. When they wake up, phone calls are made, and they decide that they will tell their prof. about the weekend road trip, but tell him that they got a flat on the way home on Sunday afternoon, didn't have a spare, and could not get back in time for the exam, since there were no tire shops open to fix their flat.
So, they all troop down to the prof's office, tell him their tale of woe, and ask to be allowed to write the exam the next day. The Prof agrees to let them, and they head home feeling pretty good.
Tuesday morning comes around, and the buddies show up for their exam. The prof sets them up in four separate study rooms, and gives them each a test. The first page is some pretty basic multiple choice questions, worth 10%. At the top of the second page it says:
WRITTEN RESPONSE, 90%. WHICH TIRE?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a8ypz/the_final_exam/
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Why were the elephants kicked out of the pool?

Because they kept dropping their trunks....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a8sfc/why_were_the_elephants_kicked_out_of_the_pool/
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Went to see a pirate doctor

and I pulled down my shirt and said, "I've got these eight spots on my back, is there anything I should be concerned about?" The pirate counted them and said, "There be nine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a8qis/went_to_see_a_pirate_doctor/
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What kind of noodles do they eat in the hood?

Spaghetto.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a8q3y/what_kind_of_noodles_do_they_eat_in_the_hood/
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What did the hiker say when he fell in a pile of moss?

"I'm not lichen this!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a8pw2/what_did_the_hiker_say_when_he_fell_in_a_pile_of/
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Broke up with my blind girlfriend

She didn't see it coming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a8pev/broke_up_with_my_blind_girlfriend/
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A married couple goes to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a8o9h/a_married_couple_goes_to_the_hospital_to_have/
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Two men walk in to a cliff side bar.

Around 10 pm, two men with brown and black hair walk in to a cliff side bar. The men sit beside each other, start hammering down drinks, and hit it off. After much laughing and joking the black haired man gets serious. He whispers to the other,
" you know, i heard the updraft on the side of this cliff is so strong, you can catch it in your coat and fly back to the bar.. I've always wanted to try it.."
The brown haired man laughes it off as a crazy idea, and they continue to drink. However after another half hour of heavy drinking both men are sufficiently plastered, and the blacked haired man leans in again to slur out,
"Really though man, i bet you ten bucks i can jump off that cliff and fly back to the top!"
The brown haired man is just drunk enough now to become interested, so skeptically he follows him outside.
"Here's what I'm gonna do," the black haired man exclaims between burps and sways " I'm gonna jump off that cliff, catch the air, and I'm gonna fly back up here!"
And without missing a beat, he sprints towards the edge and throws himself off as the the brown haired man looks on, horrified. Not seconds after, despite all odds, the black haired man soars back onto the cliff, coat billowing in the strong wind.
Shocked and amazed, the brown haired man asks him to do it again, and a third time, sure enough he always ends up flying safely back to the bar.
"My god I've got to try this my self!" screams the brown haired man, as he runs to the cliff, throws himself off, and plummets 200 feet to his death. Just as the splat is heard, the bartender comes out shaking his head at the black haired man, and says
" you know, you're a real ass-hole when you're drunk superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a8dfr/two_men_walk_in_to_a_cliff_side_bar/
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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates,

they'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a8de1/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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What's Jon Snow's favorite children's book?

Where The Wildlings Are

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a89t4/whats_jon_snows_favorite_childrens_book/
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What do you call a confused baker?

I dough know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a8912/what_do_you_call_a_confused_baker/
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Three old ladies sitting in a park

There are three old ladies sitting in a park, just chatting the day away.
Suddenly, a man in a trench coat walks up to them and opens his trench coat, flashing them with all he has to see.
Well, the first old lady has a stroke immediately.
The second old lady has a stroke soon after.
The third old lady, being more old and feeble, couldn't reach that far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a87bp/three_old_ladies_sitting_in_a_park/
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Whats long, green, and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a879l/whats_long_green_and_smells_like_pork/
%
My granddad had the most boring job in the Army...

He was a Drill Sergeant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a837j/my_granddad_had_the_most_boring_job_in_the_army/
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I'm really impressed by both Kim Kardashian and Caitlyn Jenner...

Both women got famous by making a dick disappear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a7w1r/im_really_impressed_by_both_kim_kardashian_and/
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What does it say on the door of the Microsoft store?

No shirt, no shoes, no Surface.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a7unv/what_does_it_say_on_the_door_of_the_microsoft/
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear. I'm so sorry..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a7tet/what_do_you_call_a_bear_with_no_teeth/
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Yesterday I wanted to connect a couple of watches together to build a belt to hold my pants

But I figured it would be a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a7pga/yesterday_i_wanted_to_connect_a_couple_of_watches/
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Nobel Prize winners are a lot like farmers

Oftentimes they are outstanding in their field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a7ora/nobel_prize_winners_are_a_lot_like_farmers/
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Classic joke for our Muslim friends today

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.
So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.
John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.
The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.
Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a7ob4/classic_joke_for_our_muslim_friends_today/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know yet. My Basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a7m61/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.
That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.
One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head.
I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.
So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).
At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?   You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.
Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.  I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHOOT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.
The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.
There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-bitch got up and ran off.
So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!
His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.
I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.
One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a7fae/when_i_was_10/
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The three eggs

Translated and changed slightly from Armenian:
3 friends come across a man in need of help and help him with his problem.  As thanks, the man rewards them 3 magic eggs and tells them "break these magic eggs, and you can become anything your heart desires"
He hands an egg to the 1st man.  He breaks it and exclaims, "I want to be a rich and powerful head of state!"  And that's what he becomes.
He then hands an egg to the 2nd man.  The 2nd man breaks it and says "I would like to be charismatic and good looking, the greatest artist who ever lived!" And that's what he becomes.
He hands an egg to the 3rd man, and as it is given to him, he drops it and says "shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a7dlo/the_three_eggs/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a7cfr/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a79si/genius/
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When and where do chemists have sex?

Periodically, on the table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a76ur/when_and_where_do_chemists_have_sex/
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What ever happened to Windows 9?

Windows 7 8 9.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a76ng/what_ever_happened_to_windows_9/
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I got 6 numbers at the bar last night...

One more and it would have been a complete telephone number.
(special thanks to Kevin Malone)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a72q9/i_got_6_numbers_at_the_bar_last_night/
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A deaf couple get married

and that night on their honeymoon the wife signs to her new husband that since they can't see what each is signing in the dark, if he would like to make love squeeze her breasts once, if not, squeeze twice; to which he signs back "in that case, when it's dark and you want to make love pull my penis once. If not, pull it about 150 times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a6yaz/a_deaf_couple_get_married/
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I just broke up with my girlfriend who had a lazy eye.

Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a6xgb/i_just_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_who_had_a_lazy/
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What's the difference between a women's cross country team and a group of sly pygmies?

one is a bunch of cunning runts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a6wvh/whats_the_difference_between_a_womens_cross/
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Have you seen my digital boat?

Oh wait, its syncing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a6wp4/have_you_seen_my_digital_boat/
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ISIS

I woke up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and I noticed an ISIS Muslim with a large knife sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden toward his house.
Suddenly my neighbor came from out of nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished I got back into bed.
My wife rolled over and said, "Honey, you're shaking. What happened?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said. "That neighbor of ours next door still has my shovel he borrowed!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a6tl7/isis/
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Grandma

My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store on Brunswick Street , the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk…
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 10. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
“And remember always this thing,” she said. “Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.”
“How come, Grandma?” I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..
“Makes your dick look bigger.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a6qgl/grandma/
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If Donald Trump gets elected president...

there's gonna be hell toupée.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a6q90/if_donald_trump_gets_elected_president/
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What is the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a6ok7/what_is_the_difference_between_kinky_and_perverted/
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A new monk arrives at the monastery

. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"You fuckers", he says, with anger and sadness in his eyes, "the word was celebrate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a6jt3/a_new_monk_arrives_at_the_monastery/
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This mothers day send the gift of Microsoft Office

Word to your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a6gf8/this_mothers_day_send_the_gift_of_microsoft_office/
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Two fish are in a tank one fish looks at the other fish and says...

How the fuck do we drive this thing dude?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a6fp3/two_fish_are_in_a_tank_one_fish_looks_at_the/
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Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

To get to the second-hand shop.
I'll show myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a6euv/why_did_the_man_with_one_hand_cross_the_road/
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Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.
You guys are probably just mad that the first time you got head it was your mohel. (Which she said is why Jewish men have short tempers.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a6czl/why_are_jewish_men_circumcised/
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What do two rednecks getting divorced and a tornado have in common?

Someone is going to lose a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a6a5y/what_do_two_rednecks_getting_divorced_and_a/
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Car jokes are not funny, they are tired.

And I present this classic: A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."
Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"
The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a697z/car_jokes_are_not_funny_they_are_tired/
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Two men are at a bar... (best read out loud)

Two men are at a bar with some friends. One man says to the other, who has a stutter, "hey, Mule. How agout you get us another beer?" 'Mule' nods and scurries to the bar.
He says to the tender, "an-an-ano-another round, please." The bartender raises an eyebrow, after hearing how he's treated by his friend. The tender fills up the beers and puts them on the tray.
About a half-hour later, the guy says, "Oi, Mule. How about some more booze?" Once again, Mule nods and scurries to the bar.
Before he can say a word, the bartender says, "listen, I can't help but notice how he speaks to you. Doesn't that nickname bother you at all?"
To which he replies, "He aw- he aw- he always calls me that."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a644o/two_men_are_at_a_bar_best_read_out_loud/
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A double positive.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a60z6/a_double_positive/
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A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker ....

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street.
A reporter comes up to them and says,
“Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”
The Saudi says, “excuse me , what is this word shortage?”
The Russian says, “excuse me, what’s meat?”
The North Korean says, “excuse me, what’s an opinion?”
The New Yorker says, “excuse me, what’s excuse me?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a60bf/a_saudi_a_russian_a_north_korean_and_a_new_yorker/
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The cost of a little extra.

For this joke, everything in italics is in a high pitched voice.
There was this guy who had a huge dick, and all the girls loved him. But there was only one problem. He spoke in a high pitched voice. So he goes to the doctor and tells him.
*Hey doc, how can I get my voice to sound normal?*
The doc says, "That's easy. All I have to do is cut off a few inches of your dick and you'll be good."
The guy thinks about it for a minute, then says *Fuck it, let's go*.
Once he gets out of surgery and starts talking, he hears that his voice is normal.
"Thanks doc! I sound normal now!"
So, a few months go by, and he notices that all the girls who once fell head over heels for him are no longer interested. His friend goes to him and tells him, "Look, just go back to the doctor and tell him to undo that surgery, then the girls will all come back."
He does just that, asking the doctor, "I want you do make me how I was before."
The doc shakes his head and responds, "*It's impossible, once you've had the surgery, you can't go back.*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a5v6z/the_cost_of_a_little_extra/
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A priest and a shepherd...

... from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It's a city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his poem:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three ladies cheap to rent.
But they were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a5scy/a_priest_and_a_shepherd/
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Did you hear about angle 57.29

He's rad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a5rwv/did_you_hear_about_angle_5729/
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I need to get one of those gadgets for my camera so I can take pictures of myself.

I think it’s called a narciss-stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a5orc/i_need_to_get_one_of_those_gadgets_for_my_camera/
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A woman is looking at herself naked in the mirror

....she rubs her tummy and says to her husband "I feel ugly, fat and disgusting. Pay me a compliment"
Husband says "well, your eyesight is spot on"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a5lh7/a_woman_is_looking_at_herself_naked_in_the_mirror/
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How do you get a blonde to break her nose?

Place your dick under a glass table

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a5heo/how_do_you_get_a_blonde_to_break_her_nose/
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A genie appears from a lamp..

A man was dusting off a lamp he found in this attic when a genie appears. The genie grants the man three wishes but says whatever he gets his wife will receive double.
The man thinks and wishes for a new car. Poof. A new car appears in the man's driveway. And 2 more appear on the street for his wife.
The man then wishes for a new house. Poof. The man magically appeared in his new house, and accross the street 2 more houses appear for his wife.
The man then says "OK genie, now beat me half to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a5fbp/a_genie_appears_from_a_lamp/
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I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach

and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a5dz5/i_accidentally_went_grocery_shopping_on_an_empty/
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What's the difference between a gay guy and a fridge?

The fridge doesn't fart when you take out the sausage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a5dco/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_guy_and_a/
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar.  There's a tiny man playing a tiny piano Barton.  "What's with the..."
"Fuckin genie's a goddamn idiot.  I rubbed his lamp and well...I got this...anyway I chucked him and his stupid lamp out in the trash."
Intrigued, the man left the bar and went to the garbage.  There he found the lamp and he rubbed it.  Out came a genie.
"You have one wish."
"I want a million bucks."
"Granted."  The genie snapped his fingers.  The sky darkened.  Loud quacks came from above.  The man looked up at a million ducks flying above.  He ran inside the bar.
"I think that genie may be hard of hearing..." He tells the bartender.
"You're telling me?  What the hell am I supposed to do with a twelve inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a59bw/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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A man grows tired of his relationship with his wife

On their 25th anniversary, the man planned a vacation trip.
Man: Let's go on a vacation, just the two of us.
Wife: (gets exited) Really? Where are we going?
Man: How about an adventure in the jungles of Africa?
Wife: That would be really nice! What about on our 50th?
Man: I'll come back for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a56r8/a_man_grows_tired_of_his_relationship_with_his/
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Do you know what the President said to Michelle when he proposed?

I don't wanna be Obama self.
P.S. I know, it was super cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a5400/do_you_know_what_the_president_said_to_michelle/
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This fat hate on reddit has been ridiculous lately. Come on, give them a break.

They have enough on their plates already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a53gk/this_fat_hate_on_reddit_has_been_ridiculous/
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Why do Nazis love Vinyls?

Cause you can turn the tables from 45 to 33.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a522l/why_do_nazis_love_vinyls/
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I just got home and found someone had stolen my bed!

I walked in and it was gone.
Honestly, i'm not lying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a51i8/i_just_got_home_and_found_someone_had_stolen_my/
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My gay joke probably won't be loved,

butt fuck it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a4x4l/my_gay_joke_probably_wont_be_loved/
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Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?

For the watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a4ut1/why_did_jon_snow_stand_in_line_for_6_hours_at_the/
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What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a4sqx/what_does_the_sign_on_an_outofbusiness_brothel_say/
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What does a gay horse eat?

Haaaaay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a4sbm/what_does_a_gay_horse_eat/
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I ate a lot.

It tasted like cement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a4pyy/i_ate_a_lot/
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What's the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

Eventually the savings bond will mature and begin to earn money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a4k95/whats_the_difference_between_a_guitar_player_and/
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A man walks into a bar with carrots in his ears

The bartender asks "Sir, why do you have carrots in your ears?"
The man replies "I can't hear you"
The bartender asks, louder,  "Sir, why do you have carrots in your ears?"
The man replies "Can you speak up?"
The bartender yells "WHY ARE THERE CARROTS IN YOUR EARS?!"
The man replies "Sorry, I can't hear you, I have carrots in my ears"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a4jk0/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_carrots_in_his_ears/
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Were you born on a highway?

cause that's where most accidents happen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a4ivx/were_you_born_on_a_highway/
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Breast Enlargement

My wife asked me for $4000 for a boob job. I said "Fuck off, here's a bit of toilet paper, rub that between your boobs". She said "Will that make my boobs bigger?" I said "Well, it worked on your arse".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a4iuf/breast_enlargement/
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A Woman has an orgasm everytime she sneezes.

Her friend is worried and asks,
"What do you take for it?"
She says,
"Pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a4ibo/a_woman_has_an_orgasm_everytime_she_sneezes/
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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut...

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a “thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at the door. Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.” The cop left happy. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a “thank you” card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.” The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a4fo4/one_day_a_florist_went_to_a_barber_for_a_haircut/
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How much money does a gay pornstar earn?

A buttload

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a49zl/how_much_money_does_a_gay_pornstar_earn/
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the 'P' is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a46v8/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
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How does Harry Potter get down a hill? Walking.

Jk. Rowling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a46tq/how_does_harry_potter_get_down_a_hill_walking/
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I added Paul Walker on Xbox Live

He spends a lot of time on the dashboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a45mv/i_added_paul_walker_on_xbox_live/
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Donald Trump is going to demand to see Hilary Clinton's birth certificate...

to make sure she is a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a457n/donald_trump_is_going_to_demand_to_see_hilary/
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Did anyone else hear about the baby who was born recently, without eyelids? The doctors actually used his foreskin to make a pair of lids for him.

It was an experimental procedure, and it worked great!.... except now he's all cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a44td/did_anyone_else_hear_about_the_baby_who_was_born/
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Sometimes I still miss my ex . . .

But my aim is getting better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a4493/sometimes_i_still_miss_my_ex/
%
I love the concept of karma.

It means all the people I've been fucking over and mistreating must of had it coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a42bx/i_love_the_concept_of_karma/
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Oldie but goody... What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a3xx9/oldie_but_goody_whats_the_opposite_of_christopher/
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How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they'll just beat the room for being black

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a3xs3/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Escaped Convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a3ry4/escaped_convict/
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I tried to make friends at a midget convention by telling some jokes

But all my material went over their heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a3qfr/i_tried_to_make_friends_at_a_midget_convention_by/
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What subreddit do unborn babies use?

Pro Life Tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a3pw2/what_subreddit_do_unborn_babies_use/
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he just loves golf

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a3o6o/he_just_loves_golf/
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I would never bungee jump...

I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I'm not going out cause of one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a3exy/i_would_never_bungee_jump/
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My favorite sex position is the JFK.

It's where I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a3dk2/my_favorite_sex_position_is_the_jfk/
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A Priest, a Monk, and a Rabbi on a cruise ship. (NSFW)

A Priest, a Monk, and a Rabbi are on a cruise ship.
While the ship is out to sea, it hits an iceberg and begins to sink.
Going down like the Titanic, the Rabbi asks the Monk and Priest: "What should we do? Should we save the children?"
The Monk says "Fuck the children!"
The Priest asks "Do you think we'll have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a3a3q/a_priest_a_monk_and_a_rabbi_on_a_cruise_ship_nsfw/
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Chief Running Deer

About three years ago, driving through Arizona, I had to stop and pee.  I went into a small gas station and there was an Indian guy there sitting at a table in full Indian Chief Regalia. A small sign said "Chief Running Deer.  Greatest memory in the world.  Ask any question for $1."
I figured I'd play along with the tourist trap, gave him a dollar, asked "What did you have for breakfast two years ago today?"  He looked thoughtful for a few seconds, looked at me and said "eggs."
Of course, easy answer to a dumb easy question.  I laughed a bit, thanked him, and went on my way.
About two weeks ago, I was driving through Arizona and stopped at the same place and he was still there. I decided to fuck with him. As I walked past him, I raised my right hand, and just like in the old time movies, greeted him with "How!"
He looked at me with a stern face, and said "Scrambled."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a38fd/chief_running_deer/
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The wife

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a315m/the_wife/
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Two married men agree; no more ladies' nights.

On their way home from a great ladies night out, two married women have the sudden urge to tinkle. There are no restaurants or shops nearby, so the women run into a nearby cemetery and pee behind some headstones. One of the women uses her panties to wipe while the other grabs a nearby flower wreath.
The next morning, the first husband says to the second husband, "I don't know about you but no more ladies' nights! My wife came home last night without any panties on!"
The second husband replies, "No panties... you think that is bad? My wife came home with a card stuck in her butt crack from the local fire department that said 'We'll really miss you!' ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a306z/two_married_men_agree_no_more_ladies_nights/
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The balloon family

A mummy balloon, a daddy balloon and a baby balloon are watching tv When the parents announce they are ready for bed, but the baby balloon is OK to stay up a little while longer. They head off to bed, and an hour later, baby balloon finishes his show, and goes to the bedroom.
As they are balloons and have no real sources of income, they live in a 1 bedroom apartment, and have to share a bed. The baby balloon tries to get into bed, but mummy balloon and daddy balloon are just so big that he can't squeeze in. So, he goes to daddy balloon, unties his knot and lets out a little air, and tries getting into bed again: Still not enough room. He then goes to mummy balloon and unties her knot and lets a little air out: A little better, but still not enough. So, he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and is able to fit comfortably into bed.
The next morning, baby balloon wakes up to find his parents are not there. He goes into the kitchen to find mummy and daddy balloon sitting at the table looking pretty angry.
Daddy balloon says, 'Son, we are pretty upset about what you did last night. You let me down, you let your mother down, but worst of all, you let yourself down.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a2yrm/the_balloon_family/
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Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?

At 69 she always gets a frog in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a2ry5/why_cant_miss_piggy_count_to_100/
%
How did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating on a lake before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a2iqg/how_did_the_hipster_drown/
%
I just sprayed a mosquito...

with mosquito repellent. Now he'll never have any friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a2f62/i_just_sprayed_a_mosquito/
%
They keep telling me to submit a strong resume, but

<strong>RESUME</strong> is getting me nowhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a2c6f/they_keep_telling_me_to_submit_a_strong_resume_but/
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On the way to heaven...

One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said "Hahaha I just got the first one!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a29b3/on_the_way_to_heaven/
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Always a hole behind

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady ... well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampons."
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a26ud/always_a_hole_behind/
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I've been seeing some anti-gay humor on this sub lately and wanted to say something: Gay jokes ARE NOT funny.

Come on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a20id/ive_been_seeing_some_antigay_humor_on_this_sub/
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a1woa/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
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Donald Trump has just announced his candidacy for president

Sorry for putting the punchline in the title.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a1u2g/donald_trump_has_just_announced_his_candidacy_for/
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What's the difference between a hipster and a fire hose?

It takes more than one hipster to push the black people out of a neighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a1sm0/whats_the_difference_between_a_hipster_and_a_fire/
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Why doesn't Barbie have any kids?

Because Ken came in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a1rtt/why_doesnt_barbie_have_any_kids/
%
Where do poor people live in Italy?

In the spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a1n4a/where_do_poor_people_live_in_italy/
%
Is having a penis easy?

Well it can be hard sometimes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a1leh/is_having_a_penis_easy/
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It was 1940...

...in war time Berlin. An SS Officer had a side line going as an amateur clock maker and repairer. One day a customer walked into his clock repair shop with a mantel clock. The SS Officer said "Vhat can I do for you?" The customer replied. "It's my mantel clock. It's not working properly... if you put your ear to it, you will know what I mean. All it does is Tic-Tic-Tic-Tic-Tic all of the time Tic-Tic-Tic. It doesn't Toc".
"Okay, leave it viz me, I'll sort it out. Come back on Thursday when it will be ready for you".
The customer returned to the clock repair shop on the Thursday; went inside where he saw the SS Officer, and the mantel clock on the counter which had been repaired and was awaiting collection.
The customer said to the SS Officer "Oh, so you got it working then, how much do I owe you?" "Ten Deutsche Marks" said the SS Officer. The customer paid him, picked up the clock and started to walk out when he stopped and turned to the SS Officer and said "Out of curiosity, just how did you manage to get it going properly again?" To which the SS Officer replied "Vee had ways of making it TOC!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a1kdf/it_was_1940/
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Two drunk guys were walking down the stairs when they saw something on one of the steps.

Guy 1: Hey dude, is that shit?
Guy 2: No dude, that's chocolate.
Guy 1: No that's shit bro.
Guy 2: Let's taste it to make sure.
*after tasting that thing*
Guy 1: See! I told you it's shit.
Guy 2: Good thing we didn't step on it then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a1in7/two_drunk_guys_were_walking_down_the_stairs_when/
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A woman gets accidentally pregnant as a teenager and ends up giving birth to twin boys...

Unfortunately, she is forced to give them up for adoption since she doesn't have the resources to support them, and the father wants nothing to do with them since he is a teenager himself. In the hope that she will get to see them some day, she leaves her personal information with the adoption agency just in case the boys want to meet their biological mother in the future. One of the boys gets adopted by a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other was taken in by a family in Spain, and they name him “Juan.” She hopes that their new lives will have more to offer them, and that they will be happy there.
Years later, the woman is much better off financially, and is living a new life in a nice house with a new man in her life. However, she still always thinks about her sons, and keeps her information at the agency up to date just in case they ask for her.
As luck has it, Juan decides one day that he wants to reconnect with his birth mother. He gets her information from the agency and sends her a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture she is absolutely thrilled to see how he has grown, how handsome he is, and how happy he seems to be. She hopes that Ahmal is doing well too and tells her husband that she wishes she had a picture of Ahmal as well. Her husband responds, "They’re identical twins, honey. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a1hgo/a_woman_gets_accidentally_pregnant_as_a_teenager/
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A 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up...

A 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said:
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child! So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story:
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun... As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'...Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?"
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a1gdg/a_86yearold_man_went_to_his_doctor_for_his_annual/
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What the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

A pick pocket snatches watches

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a1btb/what_the_difference_between_a_pick_pocket_and_a/
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What do you call a disabled paedophile?

A creepy crawler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a19x3/what_do_you_call_a_disabled_paedophile/
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A man walks into an elevator and looks at the woman standing inside.

He says, "Can I smell your feet?"
She responds, "Ew no"
"Must be your pussy then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a14on/a_man_walks_into_an_elevator_and_looks_at_the/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a10yz/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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Splitting the Red Sea

Moses was leading the Jews while being chased by the Pharaoh and his men. In a moment of foolishness, he walked right up to the Red Sea. They were trapped.
"God dammit," said Moses.
So God did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a0zbi/splitting_the_red_sea/
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You have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand, so what do you have?

Hulk's dick in your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a0w05/you_have_a_green_ball_in_your_left_hand_and_a/
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Two men were walking home after a party

and decided to take a
shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming
from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man
with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You
scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost!   What are you
doing working here so late at night?"
To which the old man replied: "Those fools! They misspelled my name!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a0tc1/two_men_were_walking_home_after_a_party/
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Prayers

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a0olg/prayers/
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So a lepper hires a prostitute...

... And theyre going at it, having a good time. He finishes, and she turns to him and says:
"I've something to admit. I have AIDS."
He responds: "Oh, no biggie, it stayed inside you anyways."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a0m03/so_a_lepper_hires_a_prostitute/
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Two hipsters walked into a bar.

One did it before it was cool and the second did it ironically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a0liy/two_hipsters_walked_into_a_bar/
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I was expelled from school during pajama day.

It's not my fault I sleep naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a0j2p/i_was_expelled_from_school_during_pajama_day/
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What do you call a coi fish that can't swim?

A decoi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a0gb1/what_do_you_call_a_coi_fish_that_cant_swim/
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10 years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me!

She said no both times.
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a0cx8/10_years_ago_i_asked_the_girl_of_my_dreams_out_on/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a0cmq/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_whos_afraid/
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Looking for a Wife

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a0azn/looking_for_a_wife/
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Q: How do you know if a chef is a clown?

A: The food tastes funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a08w7/q_how_do_you_know_if_a_chef_is_a_clown/
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Why did the Latino girl come to class pregnant?

Her teacher told her to do an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a07ry/why_did_the_latino_girl_come_to_class_pregnant/
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A mean English teacher asks his students to write a composition.

The composition has to include the following topics: religion, sex, monarchy, and mystery. You have 30 minutes.
After 20 seconds, Johnny puts his paper on the teacher's desk and leaves. The teacher picks up the paper and reads:
"My God, someone fucked the queen, who was it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a00uw/a_mean_english_teacher_asks_his_students_to_write/
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What do you call a Mexican who lost a car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zylg/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_a_car/
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[OC] Girls who prefer "dad bods"...

Just want father figures in their lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zvkn/oc_girls_who_prefer_dad_bods/
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A little boy went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did my intelligence come from?”

His father replied, “well, son, you probably got it from your mom, because I still have mine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zta1/a_little_boy_went_up_to_his_father_and_asked_dad/
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The Multi-Level Meta Joke

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a good joke." So the guy says "What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer.
[Source](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2q7fb1/multilevel_meta_joke/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zrqk/the_multilevel_meta_joke/
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How is winning the Stanley Cup different than winning other championship trophies?

Don't ask me... I'm from Buffalo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zrlh/how_is_winning_the_stanley_cup_different_than/
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A war veteran interviews for a job...

A war veteran goes to a job interview at a factory. Browsing over the vet's resume, the manager of the factory seems impressed.
"I have one question" he asks. "Do you have any disabilities that will prevent you from completing your work?"
"Well, I had both of my testicles blown off in Nam, but that shouldn't slow me down" replies the veteran.
"Great", says the manager.  "Well the job is yours if you want it. We start every day at 830am sharp, but for you, you can come in at 9"
Not wanting an preferential treatment, the veteran asks the manager, "Why do you want me to come in later than everyone else? I have no problem coming in at the normal start time."
To which the manager responds, "Well, the thing is... for the first half hour, everyone just kinda stands around and scratches their balls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zre2/a_war_veteran_interviews_for_a_job/
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How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Hippies screw in vans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zpmo/how_many_hippies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Wanna hear a joke about recursion

[Wanna hear a joke about recursion](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zo5p/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_recursion/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zo5p/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_recursion/
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If you think your girlfriend has a great sense of humor...

try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zk45/if_you_think_your_girlfriend_has_a_great_sense_of/
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Why can't Java programmers see well?

Because of the eclipse

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zhon/why_cant_java_programmers_see_well/
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So this guy goes to the Dr.

And the Dr says "You have to stop masturbating."
the guy says "Why?"
And the Dr says "Because I'm trying to examine you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zgu8/so_this_guy_goes_to_the_dr/
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What's the difference between a hipster and a lumberjack?

The lumberjack has a job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zdjd/whats_the_difference_between_a_hipster_and_a/
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A woman brings her pet duck into the vet...

A woman brings her pet duck into the vet clinic, and tells the vet that her beloved pet is sick. The vet nods silently to the woman, and begins to examine the motionless animal on his table.
After just a few seconds of this the vet takes a step back and says "I'm sorry ma'am, but this duck is dead." The woman exclaims "What? You've barely examined him! Is there anything else you can do? He's not dead, he's just sick! I'm sure of it!" The vet exhales and reluctantly, opens the door, and leads in a large dog. He motions for the dog to get on the table, after which the dog begins to sniff the duck up and down. The duck still lies motionless. After a few minutes of this the dog hops back down, walks back over to the vet and nods his head.
The vet leads the dog back out of the room but this time returns with a cat. The vet leads the cat to the duck, and in a similar fashion the cat begins to sniff the duck up and down. After a minute or two, the cat jumps off the table, walks to the vet, and nods his head. All the while the duck still remains lifeless on the table. The vet leads the cat out of the room and returns shortly with a bill for the woman.
The vet hands the woman the bill and tells her, "I'm sorry, but your pet is dead, there's nothing more we can do ma'am." The woman seems to accept the fate of her beloved pet but is soon outraged when she sees the bill. "120 dollars??" She exclaims. "How are you going to charge me 120 dollars for just telling me my duck is dead?"
"Well ma'am, it would have only been 20 dollars if you would have taken my word for it, but the lab test and cat scan cost extra."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zby1/a_woman_brings_her_pet_duck_into_the_vet/
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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A porcupine has its pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39z9x4/whats_the_difference_between_a_bmw_and_a_porcupine/
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What happens when you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39z3de/what_happens_when_you_dont_pay_your_exorcist/
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40% of women in the world are battered...

And I've been eating mine plain this whole time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39yydp/40_of_women_in_the_world_are_battered/
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To the people comparing Rachel Dolezal pretending to be black to Caitlyn Jenner being trans...

Transrachel isn't the same as transjenner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ywsf/to_the_people_comparing_rachel_dolezal_pretending/
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How many asexuals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Trick question: asexuals don't screw anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39yw6e/how_many_asexuals_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I was digging a hole in my backyard...

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold coins. In my excitement I ran back in the house to tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging a hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39yrf6/i_was_digging_a_hole_in_my_backyard/
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What do I have in common with neutrinos ?

We're both constantly penetrating your mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39yl4o/what_do_i_have_in_common_with_neutrinos/
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My local newspaper is running an innuendo competition.

I might enter my sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39yh4e/my_local_newspaper_is_running_an_innuendo/
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ydsm/my_wife_told_me_to_stop_impersonating_a_flamingo/
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I majored in Politics, Computer Science, and Dance.

Now I'm stuck writing Al Gore Rhythms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ybks/i_majored_in_politics_computer_science_and_dance/
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What's the first thing you do when attacked by a gang of clowns?

Go straight for the juggler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39y9xz/whats_the_first_thing_you_do_when_attacked_by_a/
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One day, a man came home

and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39y1vy/one_day_a_man_came_home/
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So a buddy of mine was riding his motorcycle...

(This is a joke that my own, dearest father got me with today.)
...and, you know how the underneath of the bike can get pretty hot, under the motor.  Well, his boot caught fire!  He looks down, and sees that it spread to his pant leg, so he reaches down and tries to pat it out with his glove, and his damn shirt sleeve caught fire!  So he pulls the bike over immediately, and he's patting at the flames trying to put himself out, when a cop pulls up behind him, jumps out of the squad, and says, "I'm placing you under arrest!"  And my buddy's, like, "What the hell did I do? I'm on fire, here!"  And the cop tells him "You're under arrest for having an unauthorized fire arm."
My dad. I love 'im.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39xz2w/so_a_buddy_of_mine_was_riding_his_motorcycle/
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What's up?

Some movie about an old guy and balloons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39xvys/whats_up/
%
What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.022x10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39xsyu/what_do_you_get_when_you_cut_an_avocado_into/
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A guy is sitting alone at the bar

when a hot girl comes up to him. She leans to his ear and whispers in a seductive tone:
"For $100 I'll do anything, as long as you can describe it in no more than three words!"
She leans back, and the man thinks about the offer for a second and answers:
"Paint my house"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39xmkk/a_guy_is_sitting_alone_at_the_bar/
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My boyfriend asked for a nude pic (NSFW)

My boyfriend asked for a naked picture.
I asked him if he wanted to see tits or ass.
He responded "surprise me"
So I sent him a picture of my dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39xixo/my_boyfriend_asked_for_a_nude_pic_nsfw/
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Hitler dies and God calls him

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"
Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".
God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".
"See, not even you care about Jews!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39xh1f/hitler_dies_and_god_calls_him/
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Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick...

Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39xeg1/nothing_worse_than_after_sex_looking_down_and/
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I just watched Harry Potter for the first time and it was a little unrealistic

I mean, a ginger with two friends?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39xdcg/i_just_watched_harry_potter_for_the_first_time/
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It was a fine day out on the sea...

when a young sailer prepared to set sail on his first voyage. Before he boarded the vessel, he came across an old pirate sitting drunkenly on the docks.
"Hey, old-timer," he began, "you look like you've seen your fair share of sea. Could you spare some advise for a young sailer?"
"Garr," he conceded.
"Well, I can't help but notice that you have a peg leg. Mind if I ask what happened?"
"Garr, it were a fine day out on da sea when I fell o'er board and a shark swam up 'n' ate me leg."
"Oh, I see. Best have my sea legs when the time comes," he replied. "But it looks like you lost your right hand. How'd you get that hook, old-timer?"
"Garr, it were another fine day out on da sea when me ship were boarded by buccaneers. Fought 'em off best we could, but I lost me hand in da fray."
"My swordsmanship could be improved." The young sailer looked appraisingly at his hands. "But tell me about that patch and how you lost your eye."
"Garr, it were another fine day out on da sea when a seagull flew o'er 'n' pooped in me eye."
The young sailer was at a loss. He had never heard of anyone losing an eye over a bit bird droppings.
"I don't understand," he replied. "You lost your eye because of seagull poop?"
"Garr," the old pirate said matter-of-factly. "It were me first day with me hook."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39x44w/it_was_a_fine_day_out_on_the_sea/
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Two condoms are walking down the street...

They pass a gay bar and one condom says to the other "hey, do you wanna get shit-faced?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39x3hz/two_condoms_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... They're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39x1kx/why_do_you_never_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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I have the body of a 22 years old model!

WHERE SHOULD I HIDE IT? QUICK GUYS THE POLICE ARE AFTER ME

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39x1he/i_have_the_body_of_a_22_years_old_model/
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A mother of 3 was sitting in the kitchen, and her eldest daughter approaches her.

"Mama," she said "why am I named Rose?"
The mother replied, "Well, when you were born, a Rose petal fell on your head, so then I knew"
She walked away satisfied, then the second daughter walked in
"Mom, why am I called Petunia?"
"Well, when you were born, a Petunia petal fell on your head, so then I decided"
She left satisfied, then the youngest daughter walked in the room.
"BLARGHLASHFSAHSFSF?"
The mother replied, "Shut the fuck up, cinder-block"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39x10k/a_mother_of_3_was_sitting_in_the_kitchen_and_her/
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I would not recommend eating at the new Star Wars themed restaurant...

The burgers are chewy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39x0k2/i_would_not_recommend_eating_at_the_new_star_wars/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39wzxx/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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Once there was a man named Zade Zazinski...

Once there was a man named Zade Zazinski.  Zade was always last for everything due to his name.  Everything always seemed to run out before Zade received his portion.  Schoolbooks, supplies, food rations.  Disappointed, Zade joined the military out of high school thinking that he would be treated equally by the armed forces.
Once he arrived at basic training things did not go as planned. He went to the rifle range on his first day.  His drill sergeant told him, “Sorry Zazinski, we’ve run out of rifles. You’ll just have to pretend out there.” Since Zade had so much practice at making due with what he had, he went with it.  Zade stepped up to the firing line, held an imaginary rifle up and said, “Bang. Bang. Bang.”   The next day he received a certificate for good marksmanship.
The following day’s training consisted of learning how to use a bayonet.  Again, the drill sergeant said, “Sorry Zazinski. We’ve run out of bayonets, you’ll just have to pretend.”  So again, Zade stepped up to the hanging dummy and screamed “Stab. Stab. Stab.” The next day he received commendations for good bayonetsmanship.
On the third day the group headed to the grenade range.  Again the drill sergeant said, “Zazinski, we have no more grenades. You’ll just have to pretend out there.”  So Zade threw imaginary grenades while making explosion sounds, “Brooosh. Kerpow. Shblaam.” The next day he received high honors for good grenade throwing.
Soon after, Zade was deployed to war.  With the honors he received at basic, Zazinski hoped he would be the dependable soldier they needed on the warfront.  Deep down he knew it would happen, but Zazinski was still disappointed to learn that there was not enough equipment to go around.  Again he was told to just pretend.
Zade is sent to the front lines.  He sees the enemy soldiers in the distance.  Grabbing his rifle, Zade took aim and said, “Bang. Bang. Bang.” Three enemy soldiers fell over dead.
As they advanced further, Zade pulled the fake pins from his faux grenades and lobbed them at the enemy saying, “Broosh. Kerpow. Shblaam.” Giant explosions tore through the enemy, killing at least 20 combatants.
Soon the enemy was close enough to require close combat.  Once again, Zade reacted by attaching his bayonet and screaming, “Stab. Stab. Stab.”  Anyone who got close fell with knife wounds in their bodies.
Zade continued to use his fake weaponry to decimate the battlefield.  Shouts of “Bang, Stab, Broosh,” echoed across the wasteland that was the warzone.  Enemy soldiers fell left and right.  It seemed that no one was safe from the onslaught of Zazinski.  Casualties piled up until finally, there were only two people left; Zazinski, and an enemy soldier who marched directly at him.
“Bang. Bang. Bang.” said Zade, but nothing happened.
“Broosh. Kerpow. Shblaam.” Again, nothing.
Soon the enemy was within bayonet range.
“Stab. Stab. Stab.”
Nothing.
With a look of disbelief Zazinski fell underneath the relentless forward march of the enemy soldier.
Zade had just enough time to look the soldier over, noticing the name tag reading ‘Zembrowski,’ and to hear the final words of his life spoken by the enemy:
“Tank. Tank. Tank.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39wxzx/once_there_was_a_man_named_zade_zazinski/
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did you know that protons have mass?

I didn't even know they were Catholic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39wrgt/did_you_know_that_protons_have_mass/
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A hobbit walks into a bar

It was very low down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39w7ca/a_hobbit_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39w61k/what_did_the_janitor_say_when_he_came_out_of_the/
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The worst part of being a pedophile?

Fitting in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39w4qz/the_worst_part_of_being_a_pedophile/
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Politics

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what politics is."
Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of sh*t."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39w2fg/politics/
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How many dead hookers in a basement does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously more than four, because it's still dark as fuck in here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39w1dk/how_many_dead_hookers_in_a_basement_does_it_take/
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Ruffled feathers ahead.

What do you call a woman that is never late, can actually drive a car and doesn't need help killing spiders? Bruce Jenner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39w10j/ruffled_feathers_ahead/
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Major in Freudian Psychology

Minor in the back seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39vvqk/major_in_freudian_psychology/
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What's the difference between a woman and a bowl of ramen noodles?

A bowl of ramen noodles is actually ready in 5 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39vsny/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a_bowl/
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TIFU by sending nudes to everyone in my address book.

Costed me a fortune in stamps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39vra8/tifu_by_sending_nudes_to_everyone_in_my_address/
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My dog drank gasoline

This is one my dad sprung on me when I was a kid. For this one, you've got to tell it completely deadpan. Like, this is totally serious, otherwise it won't work. Tried this out a couple of months ago at the lunch table at work. Had them the whole time until the punchline...they were horrified. When I got to the punchline, they all lost it.
"I was cleaning some grease of off some car parts this weekend and had a little gasoline in a cup sitting on the floor of the garage. My dog walks in and I hear the sound of the lapping up of water. I quickly realized that my dog was drinking the gasoline!
I get up to get the dog and he just takes off like a bat out of hell. He runs around the yard and I just can't catch him. I'm about ready to give up from exhaustion when he keels over, like he's dead. I quickly rushed him to the vet.
The vet told me it was fine...he'd just run out of gas."
*ouch*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39vqoo/my_dog_drank_gasoline/
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So this kid and his mom are walking through the park...

...and they see a couple stray dogs fucking. He asks his mom why they're fighting. She says, "Oh, honey, they aren't fighting. They're making puppies." Later that night he wakes up and hears a scary noise so he goes into his parents room and sees them having sex. He says, "Daddy! Why are you and mommy wrestling?" His dad says, "We're not wrestling, son. We're making you a baby brother or sister." So the kid says, "Oh. Well flip her over, I'd rather have a puppy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39vplg/so_this_kid_and_his_mom_are_walking_through_the/
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How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hippies don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39vpen/how_many_hippies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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What would santa be if he was a farmer?

A jolly rancher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39vk42/what_would_santa_be_if_he_was_a_farmer/
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Knock knock. Who's there? Saddam.

Saddam who?
*Seen*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39vgc6/knock_knock_whos_there_saddam/
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How accurate is the bible?

Very!! Especially when thrown from a short distance...hits the target almost always.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39vfhp/how_accurate_is_the_bible/
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Why are Native American strippers the best?

When they dance they make it rain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39veas/why_are_native_american_strippers_the_best/
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A terrible joke

My friend was really mad at me because I was masturbating while sniffing his sisters underwear I think it was because she was still in them. It really made the rest of her funeral a real drag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39vc8g/a_terrible_joke/
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I think God is for the legalization of marijuana.

After all, the Bible is full of people getting stoned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39v7ez/i_think_god_is_for_the_legalization_of_marijuana/
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What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

A pilot you racist bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39v51i/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_flying_a_plane/
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Having lunch one day.......

A sex therapist tells her friend "Did you know that 90% of all people masturbate in the shower. The other 10% just sing."
"Oh really" says the friend.
"Do you know what song they sing?" asks the therapist.
The friend replies "no"
"Didn't think so. You pervert"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39v312/having_lunch_one_day/
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What do you call a 5 year-old with no friends? [offensive]

A sandy hook survivor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39v2el/what_do_you_call_a_5_yearold_with_no_friends/
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What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Michael Phelps can actually finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39v1vu/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
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Three men die and go to heaven.

They meet a saint watching the gate, who tells them, "You are all welcome in Heaven. Just do not step on any ducks."
And so they walk in, and the moment they get in, the first man steps on a duck. Then, suddenly, there is a chain on his arm, and on the other end is an incredibly grotesque woman, smelling to the point of being comparable to a harpy. The saint says, "This is your wife, now and for all of eternity.
A few years pass, and the other two are doing just fine. Then, the second man, waking up, rolls over and stands up - "QUACK!" Straight onto a duck. Another woman, even more horrible and smelly than the last is chained to him. "This is your wife, now and for all eternity."
More years pass, and eventually, the saint appears, along with a chain on his arm. On the other end is a woman more beautiful than any he had ever seen. He asks the saint, "Why? I never stepped on a duck."
The woman pipes up, "I did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39uzso/three_men_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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What is the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39uyl7/what_is_the_hardest_part_about_breaking_up_with_a/
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The problem with driving a Yugo...

... is that the Czech engine light is always on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39uwca/the_problem_with_driving_a_yugo/
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An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39uv7j/an_engineer_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/
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A horse moved next door to me yesterday.

I heard that they make good neighbors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39uujx/a_horse_moved_next_door_to_me_yesterday/
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[NSFW] A 1500 Dollar blowjob

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker; “How much do you charge?”
“It starts at $500 for a hand-job,” replies the hooker.
“$500 dollars? For a hand-job?” says the guy “No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”
So the hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”
“Yes.”
“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”
The guy thinks to himself, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.” and accepts the hooker’s offer. They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”
“$1,500″ says the hooker
“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!” he says
The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, “OK Sign me up.”
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”
The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?”
“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”
“Nope,” says the hooker, “but I would if I had a pussy.”
Source: http://www.1500dollarblowjob.com

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39urp5/nsfw_a_1500_dollar_blowjob/
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Did you know Zimbabwe loves the rapper 50 Cent?

Or as he's known there, 400 billion dollars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39uq26/did_you_know_zimbabwe_loves_the_rapper_50_cent/
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This is why I'm leaving /r/jokes:

I have a dentist appointment. I'll be back in an hour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39up4d/this_is_why_im_leaving_rjokes/
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If airlines sold paint (from Car Talk)

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 differentprices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of thatweek and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *...%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sellonly a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by theway, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds oftimes a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with yourpaint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint assoon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll haveenough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don'tuse it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint youalready have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom,hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do thebedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? IAlready paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea thatall our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts ofproblems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happensif I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallonyou bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 alitre" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon tocomplete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,some are empty and there are norefunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: I can't believe this! I'll buy what I need somewhereelse!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint forYour bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room fromsomeone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairwayfrom anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in onlyone direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at whichYou started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paintin one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the differenceon your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39uooo/if_airlines_sold_paint_from_car_talk/
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Life is like a cup of coffe.

Dark and bitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39uobg/life_is_like_a_cup_of_coffe/
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A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. Points a wing at him and says with a frown:

"Quack!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39umcp/a_duck_walks_in_to_an_alternative_medicine/
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How many girlfriends have you had before me?

She asked casually, as she sat on the edge of my bed pretending to be interested in my Warhammer catalogue.
Fucking stupid question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ulxh/how_many_girlfriends_have_you_had_before_me/
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Don't ever debate with an absurdist...

because you will always chair apple man with hands for eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ulwt/dont_ever_debate_with_an_absurdist/
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What does a terrorist in Antarctica say?

Allahu Akburrrrrr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39uf5e/what_does_a_terrorist_in_antarctica_say/
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What did the hipster astronaut say when his space mission arrived at the Sun?

Not cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ue3n/what_did_the_hipster_astronaut_say_when_his_space/
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Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'd just "let it go".
My 6 year old told me this.
I will show myself out now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ub29/why_shouldnt_you_give_elsa_a_balloon/
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If I had a dollar for every time I ever thought of you,

I'd probably start thinking about you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39uagz/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_i_ever_thought/
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Blonde Joke

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39u8jk/blonde_joke/
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Q: Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?

A: Because Donald ducked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39u5zf/q_why_did_mickey_mouse_get_shot/
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Canadian castles...

They really aren't my fort-eh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39u584/canadian_castles/
%
I know a person who can only use even numbers

What are the odds?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39u4dw/i_know_a_person_who_can_only_use_even_numbers/
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What's black and doesn't work?

Decaffeinated coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39u0rd/whats_black_and_doesnt_work/
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My Pastor told me this one and it really hit home...

Some older people at a nursing home are complaining about getting older. One picks up his coffee and says "I'm getting so old I can barely lift my arm to pick up my coffee"
Someone sitting next to him says, "My cataracts is so bad I can barely see my coffee."
Someone behind them then says, "I can't even turn my head anymore" and everyone in the room nods in agreement.
The optimist among them then says, "Hey its not so bad, at least we all still have our drivers license."
Extra backstory: I went to Church with my grandparents today, and my grandpa wanted to drive. He is 77 years old and an awful driver. It takes both my grandparents to drive. My grandpa steers and my grandma sits in the back to tell him when he can switch lanes, back up, anything like that (because he can't turn his head). He also doesn't observe speed limit signs. He doesn't drive fast, its just whatever the speed limit is he cruises around 25mph. The road to my church has a speed limit of 40. His response while driving? "Hm looks like we're holding up traffic a bit, Granny! can I get over?" *merges before she answers* Needless to say, God was with us on the drive there and back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39u060/my_pastor_told_me_this_one_and_it_really_hit_home/
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.

The other day she opened the calander and wanted to know who May was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39tyjz/my_wifes_jealousy_is_getting_ridiculous/
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Why doesn't Bono like Google?

He still hasn't found what he's looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39tyct/why_doesnt_bono_like_google/
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Redneck murders are hard to solve

There are no dental records and the DNA is all the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39txfr/redneck_murders_are_hard_to_solve/
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What do 'Free bird' by Lynyrd Skynyrd and my orgasms have in common?

5 minutes solo. Meh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39tutk/what_do_free_bird_by_lynyrd_skynyrd_and_my/
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The scientists have finally found out what a woman wants.

But she has already changed her mind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39tu4m/the_scientists_have_finally_found_out_what_a/
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I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.

After that my mugging attempts have been very successful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39tkmk/i_started_carrying_a_knife_after_a_mugging/
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My sister's husband overdosed on Viagra...

she took it hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39titv/my_sisters_husband_overdosed_on_viagra/
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What do hipster jokes and hipsters have in common?

None of them are original.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39tend/what_do_hipster_jokes_and_hipsters_have_in_common/
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Alcoholics don't run in my family...

They stumble everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39tdnm/alcoholics_dont_run_in_my_family/
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Underwear

Three couples were golfing, a Swedish couple, an Irish couple, and a Scottish couple.
The Swede`s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yourself up a bit. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39tb4x/underwear/
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Where is the best place to hide after murdering a black man?

Behind a badge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ta8b/where_is_the_best_place_to_hide_after_murdering_a/
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How do you drowned a hipster?

Throw them in the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39t9f8/how_do_you_drowned_a_hipster/
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Why did the monkey paint his balls red?

So he could hide in the cherry tree...
What's the most load noise in the jungle?
... A giraffe eating cherries!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39t8ca/why_did_the_monkey_paint_his_balls_red/
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I thought I had an std because my eyes started burning every time I had sex.

Then I realized it was just the mace.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39t6d3/i_thought_i_had_an_std_because_my_eyes_started/
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How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

It's some really obscure number. You've probably never even heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39t281/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Teacher:Kids,what does the chicken give you?

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39sz0f/teacherkidswhat_does_the_chicken_give_you/
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Knock knock!

Person 1: "Knock knock!"
Person 2: "Who's there?"
Person 1: "Interrupting policeman!"
Person 2: "Interrupting policeman wh-"
Person 1: "OPEN THE DOOR AND GET DOWN ON THE FUCKING GROUND"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39svv7/knock_knock/
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Why do hipsters love Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Because it's the first Indy movie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39sv9z/why_do_hipsters_love_raiders_of_the_lost_ark/
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This cracked me up at work tonight!

Did you hear about the famous actress that slit her throat tonight?
What's her name?
Reese...
Reese Witherspoon?
No with a knife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39slnl/this_cracked_me_up_at_work_tonight/
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Why is the hipster sweating?

Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39skdk/why_is_the_hipster_sweating/
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I wanted to tell you a joke about selfishness.

But I'll keep this one for myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39sjlo/i_wanted_to_tell_you_a_joke_about_selfishness/
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Shout out to my arms for always being by my side...

& my legs for being there every step of the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39sj4g/shout_out_to_my_arms_for_always_being_by_my_side/
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How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39shgd/how_does_moses_make_his_tea/
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What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39se5p/what_do_you_call_a_belt_made_out_of_watches/
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Did you hear about the murdered essay?

They can't find the body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39sanm/did_you_hear_about_the_murdered_essay/
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Women can't say no to three things;

Shoes, bags, chocolate, diamonds, clothes, perfume, food, flowers, money, cosmetics, attention, romance, kindness, adventure, affection, unpredictability, confidence, humor, ice cream, shopping, free drinks..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39s9kp/women_cant_say_no_to_three_things/
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I'm starting an Atheist corporation...

it's a non-prophet organization.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39s3m0/im_starting_an_atheist_corporation/
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The Hunger Games is like Soccer.

Everyone runs around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39s0vm/the_hunger_games_is_like_soccer/
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Vladimir Putin

is in the line for customs when he arrives at Poland for a summit.
Customs Officer: "Name?"
Putin: "Vladimir Putin."
Customs Officer: "Nationality?"
Putin: "Russian."
Customs Officer: "Occupation?"
Putin: "No, just visiting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39s08m/vladimir_putin/
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I used to be indecisive.

But now I'm not so sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39rzza/i_used_to_be_indecisive/
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A suicide bomber is teaching some new recruits...

He said, "Watch this demonstration carefully. I'm only going to do this once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39rstq/a_suicide_bomber_is_teaching_some_new_recruits/
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TIFU by sleeping with my Crush

Now there's orange soda all over my bed. :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39rq4r/tifu_by_sleeping_with_my_crush/
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Just say "thank you" and drive away

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39rowp/just_say_thank_you_and_drive_away/
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The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids .
'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have big tits and lots of money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39rl30/the_husband_store/
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger stands in the pouring rain.
"Can you give me a push?" he asks tentatively.
"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just some ass wanting a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy outside."
"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39rjpw/a_man_and_his_wife_are_awakened_at_3_oclock_in/
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If I get one upvote I'll get drunk by myself tonight.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39resz/if_i_get_one_upvote_ill_get_drunk_by_myself/
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I highly doubt that Monica Lewinsky will support Hillary in 2016.

I mean, the last time a Clinton was a president, it left a really bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39reom/i_highly_doubt_that_monica_lewinsky_will_support/
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I bought a new pair of shoes the other day

I don't know what they laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39rcvp/i_bought_a_new_pair_of_shoes_the_other_day/
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My wife looked in the mirror today...

After taking a good look at herself she turned to me and said, "I look fat. Can you please give me a compliment?"
So I said, "Absolutely, you have perfect vision."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ra76/my_wife_looked_in_the_mirror_today/
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Just been told I've got the job as a mime

...
I'm speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39r968/just_been_told_ive_got_the_job_as_a_mime/
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Three men are shipwrecked on a small island.

They go to see if there is anybody who can help them, but unfortunately, they encounter a tribe of savages.
The tribe chief instructed the three men to go gather ten fruits each from the forest or he would kill them. All ten fruits had to be the same kind of fruit.
The first guy came back with oranges. He was instructed to shove them all up his ass without making a sound. If he made any sort of sound or failed to insert the fruits in his ass, he would be killed on the spot. He managed to get two in before removing them and admitting he could not complete the task. He is tied up, ready to be burned as soon as the other two come back.
The second guy comes back with ten blueberries. As with the last guy, the chief tells him to shove the blueberries up his ass without making a peep. He gets nine blueberries in there and then erupts into laughter. He is promptly tied up with the other guy.
While they're waiting to be burned at the stake, the first guy asks the second guy "Why did you laugh? You could've walked away free." The second guy replies, "I saw that third motherfucker coming back with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39r6ho/three_men_are_shipwrecked_on_a_small_island/
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I stayed up all night...

Trying to remember if I had amnesia or insomnia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39r4kb/i_stayed_up_all_night/
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There are two types of people in this world. People that pee in the shower

And fucking liars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39r3pc/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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What do you call a lesbian with long finger nails?

*Single*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39r2jn/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_with_long_finger_nails/
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A man dies and goes to Heaven.

He is stood before the Pearly Gates and St Peter says "Heaven is getting a bit full, so I need to make sure only truly good people get in. What's the noblest thing you've done in your life?". The man thinks for a second and says "Well, I was driving along the road and I saw a bunch of bikers attacking this young woman. I pulled over, grabbed a tire iron out of my car, walked over to them, grabbed the biggest one and hit him with the tire iron. The others turned around, and I shouted that if they wanted to rape the woman, they would have to go through me first." St Peter is amazed and says "That's incredible! When did this happen?", to which the man replies "Oh, about five minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39qzvi/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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Bill Clinton's Box Under the Bed

**Bill Clinton's Box Under the Bed**
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a box under the bed. Promise me you will never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.” Hillary was shocked, but thought, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. And since I know he is addicted to sex, three times is not too bad.”
She said, ”OK Bill, I guess I can forgive you.” Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?”
He answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39qtyo/bill_clintons_box_under_the_bed/
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Woman with triplets gets shot. (old joke I remember from years ago a few maybe haven't heard)

A woman was walking down the street and was shot 3 times.  She was rushed to the hospital where a concerned doctor sat beside her and said "You've been shot three times... But you're also pregnant with triplets.  So in 13 years time when the children are teenagers the bullets will come out of them one way or the other"....
So 13 years later when all the boys are 13 the first kid comes running down the stairs  "mum mum,  I've had a piss and a bullet came out!"
So the mum sits him down and explains the story.  A couple of days after the second kid comes running down the stairs "mum mum,  I've had a shit and a bullet came out!"  the mother again  sits down and explains the story.
A few days later the third kid comes running down the stairs "mum mum.."  the mum stops him mid sentence  "I know,  I know.  You've either pissed or shit and a bullet came out..."
"No mum,  I had a wank and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39qr69/woman_with_triplets_gets_shot_old_joke_i_remember/
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Religious Cowboy

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a toad walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the toad's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the toad. "Your name is written inside the cover."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39qpf7/religious_cowboy/
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How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?

Look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39qgk8/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_a_snowstorm/
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Why does lightning strike in France so often?

Because it follows the path of least resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39qdjk/why_does_lightning_strike_in_france_so_often/
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Tess is sleeping during class

The teacher asks her a question. ''Tess, can you tell us who made the earth?'' The boy behind her stabs her in her butt with a pencil. ''God almighty!'' Tess screams. ''Good job!'' Says the teacher.
A couple of days later, she's sleeping again during the same class. The same teacher asks her ''Tess, who was born on the 25th of december?'' The boy behind her stabs her in her butt- again. ''Jezus Chist!'' She cries. ''Well done'' Says the teacher.
A while later, the teacher asks Tess another question. ''Tess, what did Eva say to Adam after the birth of their 21st child?'' The boy behind Tess saves her once again with the pencil. Tess gets mad and screams "If you stick that thing in my hole one more time, i''l fucking break it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39q6vp/tess_is_sleeping_during_class/
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Selling a french WW2 rifle

Never fired, only dropped once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39q503/selling_a_french_ww2_rifle/
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I once swallowed two separate strings and they came out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39q4jp/i_once_swallowed_two_separate_strings_and_they/
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My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39q489/my_wife_just_called_me/
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did you hear about the farmer who was also a comedian

I heard all his jokes were corny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39q2tb/did_you_hear_about_the_farmer_who_was_also_a/
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Why does Star Wars Movies numbering scheme starts with 4,5,6?

Because in charge of the numbers, Yoda was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39q259/why_does_star_wars_movies_numbering_scheme_starts/
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Happiness

Fred lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf.
One day in despair he decided to commit suicide.
He took a lift to the top of a very tall building, intending to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down when on the pavement far below he saw a man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels.
Fred looked more closely and saw that the man had no arms at all. He started thinking: what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms, skipping down the pavement, perfectly happy, getting on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and had been going to kill himself.
"You saved my life. If you can go on with no arms, I can make it with one!"
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
Fred asked, "Why are you so happy, anyway?"
"I'm not happy," replied the man. "My balls itch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39q0xw/happiness/
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I just talked to the dude who sells me mushrooms.

He seemed like a fun guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39q0wd/i_just_talked_to_the_dude_who_sells_me_mushrooms/
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I was walking down the High Street with my wife...

... and upon reaching a corner, we saw six men beating up someone. I was going to turn and lead my wife away from the crime happening before us, but suddenly she exlaimed
"Oh my god it's mom! Quick quick! Go and help!"
I turned to her and said
"Nah. I think 6's enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39q0hm/i_was_walking_down_the_high_street_with_my_wife/
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Why do they call it PMS?

Because mad cow disease was taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39pxwh/why_do_they_call_it_pms/
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Why should you never make fun of fat people who have lisps?

They're thick and tired of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39pr9i/why_should_you_never_make_fun_of_fat_people_who/
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How do you keep a group of women from talking?

Ask the oldest one to speak first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ppfe/how_do_you_keep_a_group_of_women_from_talking/
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The Crunch Bird

There are many variations on this joke, including an old cartoon from the 1960s or 70s. This is just the version I remember off the top of my head:
A woman walks into a pet store looking for a new pet. After a few minutes of browsing around, she's not impressed by what she finds. She's about to walk out, until she looks behind the sales counter and spots the most unusual bird she's ever seen. She asks the salesman what it is.
"Oh, that's a crunch bird!" he says.
"Crunch bird? Never heard of it. What does it do?" she asks.
"Just watch!" he says as he opens the cage. "Crunch bird, chair!" He points to a wooden chair in the corner of the store. The bird flies out of the cage and heads straight for it. Within a matter of seconds, it's reduced to a pile of sawdust.
The woman is impressed, but asks for another demonstration.
"Crunch bird, desk!" the salesman says, pointing at a nearby desk. Once again, the bird aims straight for it, and turns it to dust in a matter of seconds.
"I'll take him!" the woman says.
He tells her it's not for sale, but she begs and tells him money is no object. Finally put in a corner, he accepts her offer, and she takes the bird home.
Her husband arrives home from work a while later and immediately spots the cage.
"What the hell kinda bird is that?" he asks.
"It's a crunch bird!" she says. He's not impressed.
"Oh yeah? Crunch bird, my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39pnpo/the_crunch_bird/
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What do you call a bunch of punks who attack supermarkets?

The Lidl Rascals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39pkw3/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_punks_who_attack/
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What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and use lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39pi5i/what_do_you_do_if_your_wife_starts_smoking/
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You know what's been making headlines?

Corduroy pillows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39pc34/you_know_whats_been_making_headlines/
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Why did the guitarist go to prison?

For fingering a minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39pbca/why_did_the_guitarist_go_to_prison/
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3 drunk guys enterd a taxi

. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39p7vv/3_drunk_guys_enterd_a_taxi/
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Some nice pair of legs

A group of girls walked by and I jokingly said to my girl "bet you wish you had a pair of legs like that" and she started crying. Smh girls are so emotional so I wheeled her back to the car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39p5m4/some_nice_pair_of_legs/
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A guy asks for a tattoo on his........

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his private parts. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39p4x8/a_guy_asks_for_a_tattoo_on_his/
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The doctor to the patient

: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39p4g7/the_doctor_to_the_patient/
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Tell me how you died and I'll let you pass

Saint peter is standing at the gates of heaven, now its been a long day and an uneventful one at that, so when he sees 3 men walking towards him he has an idea. Saint peter says to the men "Tell me how you died and I'll let you pass".
So the first man walks up and says: "Well I came home early bevause I thought my wife was cheating on me. I went up the elevator to the 33rd floor where I live and sure enough I find my wife naked in bed with 2 half full glasses of wine. Now at this point I'm a little angry, so I seacht the entire apartment and I can't find anyone. Until I look onto the valcony and I see 2 hands holding on the railing. Now I am really pissed off, I try to pry them off, I try to kick them off but he just won't let go, so finally I get a hammer an I smack his fingers till he let's go. He falls down all 33 floors but a tree and a bush break his fall and I can see he's still alive. this makes me so angry I grab the fridge and throw it off the balcony but because of the strain i get a heart attack and I die."
"well you can go  in" says saint Peter.
The second man steps up to the metaphorical plate.
"well I was training on my treadmill on the 34th floor where I live, when it breaks down and shoots me out of the window. Luckily I managed to catch onto the balcony of the 33rd floor. Then this absolute mad man goes beserk and treis to pry my hands off, kick them off, and finally het gets his hamer and I'm forced to let go. Now I fall all the way down, but again lady luck smiles on me and I land in some bushes and survive. Until this absolute dickhead throws a fridge off his balcony onto me and I end up dieing anyways."
Saint Peter let's him in too.
The third man then steps forward and says to saint Peter: "You'll never believe it, but I was hiding naked in a fridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39p311/tell_me_how_you_died_and_ill_let_you_pass/
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I have fond memories of the sausage factory.

It was the best of times, it was the wurst of times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39p24a/i_have_fond_memories_of_the_sausage_factory/
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Hey Shakespeare, are you writing your next play in pentameter?

Iamb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39oy3t/hey_shakespeare_are_you_writing_your_next_play_in/
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Why did King Kong....

Climb the Empire State Building?
...He couldn't fit in the elevator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ox6a/why_did_king_kong/
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An Irish Man Wins Big On 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' Thanks To A Good Friend

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and towards the end of the program, he had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ovrn/an_irish_man_wins_big_on_who_wants_to_be_a/
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What do you call a black guy in space?

An astronaut you racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ougt/what_do_you_call_a_black_guy_in_space/
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My girlfriend has accused me of stalking her.

Well, technically she's not my girlfriend yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39oss1/my_girlfriend_has_accused_me_of_stalking_her/
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Why don't bars in London have Happy Hour?

They're in Greenwich Mean Time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39oqiy/why_dont_bars_in_london_have_happy_hour/
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Many times when I am troubled or confused...

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ond7/many_times_when_i_am_troubled_or_confused/
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Have you heard about the man with no dick ?

he came outta nowhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39omft/have_you_heard_about_the_man_with_no_dick/
%
What makes an ISIS joke funny?

the execution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39oj3p/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/
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A man walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender for six shots of vodka. As soon as the bartender gives it to him, he downs them in four seconds flat.
"Rough day, huh?" Says the bartender.
"Yeah," coughs the man, "I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the man comes back in, asks for six more shots, and downs them as fast as he can.
"What happened today?" Asked the bartender.
"I just found out my youngest son is gay, too." The man replies.
The third day, the man comes in, asks for the whole bottle of vodka, and starts chugging it. The bartender is mortified.
"Does *anyone* in your family like women?" He asks.
"Yeah," the man replies, "my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ohl6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My date seemed really excited when I said I had a horse's cock.

For some reason she seemed disgusted when I took it out of the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39oha5/my_date_seemed_really_excited_when_i_said_i_had_a/
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What did one orphan say to another?

Get in the Batmobile Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ofiu/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_another/
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What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?

Comet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39oddk/what_is_a_dinosaurs_least_favorite_reindeer/
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A man approached the check in counter

, he had a flight booked to Miami. He leaned over to the lady and said "Miss I have a special request, I would like my green bag to go to London, and my red bag to go to Hawaii"
Confused, the check in lady said "I'm sorry sir we can't do that"
The man responded "Thats great news, because thats what happened last time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39o9rx/a_man_approached_the_check_in_counter/
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The sniper joke

A sniper goes to a gun shop to buy a new scope.
Owner: This scope can see as far as a kilometre, you can see my house up there on the hill"
The sniper looks through the scope to look at the man's house.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman in your house"
The man looks through the scope too and hands the sniper 2 bullets.
"You can have the scope for free if you shoot my wife's head off and that guy's penis off"
The sniper agrees and replies, "Oh wait, I can shoot them both right now with one bullet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39o816/the_sniper_joke/
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Here at Time Warner Cable we know that sex is an important part of a relationship.

So we try to fuck you as often as possible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39o4sq/here_at_time_warner_cable_we_know_that_sex_is_an/
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The carpenter came home one day...

A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.
In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.
He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next he picked up a hacksaw.
The terrified man, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39o473/the_carpenter_came_home_one_day/
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Is it okay to not like a certain race?

My friends want me to run a 10k with them, but I want to run a 5k.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39o1h9/is_it_okay_to_not_like_a_certain_race/
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love is like a fart

If you have to to force it, it's probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39o09x/love_is_like_a_fart/
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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It isn't hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39o04v/how_do_you_find_a_blind_man_in_a_nudist_colony/
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What's a feminist's least favorite food?

Gender rolls

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39nxwy/whats_a_feminists_least_favorite_food/
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I married an amputee last week

She single handedly changed my life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39nw3r/i_married_an_amputee_last_week/
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Do Russians only write in lower case letters?

I mean, they hate Capitalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39nub8/do_russians_only_write_in_lower_case_letters/
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A German man was hitting on my sister-in-law...

I told her "He wants to put his wiener in your schnitzel."
She replied "Not happening, I guess he'll be stroganoff."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39nsuj/a_german_man_was_hitting_on_my_sisterinlaw/
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Do Re Me

Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me. All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates. Three days ago Doe kisses him. Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex. Yesterday, who sucks his dick?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39nihc/do_re_me/
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MY WIFE IS A LIAR!

'That wife of mine is a liar.' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
'How do you know?' the friend asked.
'She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.'
'So?' the friend replied.
'So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39nhuh/my_wife_is_a_liar/
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A man promises his wife to quit drinking...

...but that night he let's his buddy talk him into going to happy hour.  He ends up getting so drunk he vomits all over himself.  Suddenly overcome with guilt, he starts crying to his buddy.  "What am I gonna do?  I'm busted for sure."
But his friend has an idea.  "Let me see your wallet.". The man turns it over and the friend reaches in, pulls out a bill, and shoves it in the dirty shirt pocket.  "When you get home, tell your wife you stayed late at the office.  When you were walking to your car, some drunk bastard staggered out of the alley and threw up all over you.  He felt so bad he gave you ten bucks for the dry cleaning."
The drunk man is quite impressed with this genius lie and heads home full of confidence.  Sure enough, his furious wife confronts him about the shirt as soon as he walks in the door.  He relates the story about the drunk in the alley, then pulls the bill out of his pocket and proclaims "See, he gave me ten bucks to cover the dry cleaning!"
The wife squints at him, then says accusingly, "that's a twenty!"
The man thinks quickly, then replies, "well... He shit my pants too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ner4/a_man_promises_his_wife_to_quit_drinking/
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I haven't been sexually active because I'm saving myself...

Some money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ncvy/i_havent_been_sexually_active_because_im_saving/
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A couple is walking in Moscow when they feel a slight precipitation

The husband says "ah, it's raining"
The wife replies "no it's snowing"
"How about we ask this communist officer here" replies the husband, "he is always right!,
"Officer Rudolph, Is it raining or snowing?"
"definitely raining" replies Rudolph before walking off
"see?" says the husband,
"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39nb3m/a_couple_is_walking_in_moscow_when_they_feel_a/
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I went to a chyropracter today

Oops, I meant a chiropractor. I stand corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39n9qy/i_went_to_a_chyropracter_today/
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What do you call a prisoner who's psychic,has dwarfism and escaped the prison?

A small medium at large!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39n4qp/what_do_you_call_a_prisoner_whos_psychichas/
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How do you sink a norwegian submarine?

Swim down and knock on the hatch.
(In Sweden we have a running tradition of telling jokes about stupid norwegians. They do the same about swedes)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39mxeh/how_do_you_sink_a_norwegian_submarine/
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What happens when a clown farts?

It smells funny.
--As told to me by an Engineering lead... Much facepalm ensued.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39msnk/what_happens_when_a_clown_farts/
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Good friends are like toasters...

If you throw them down the stairs, they probably won't make toast for you anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39mmt6/good_friends_are_like_toasters/
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A thousand millibar go into a bar...

...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39mkzj/a_thousand_millibar_go_into_a_bar/
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A friend asked me "As a young boy, was your mother very strict?"

I said "Let's get one thing straight, my mother was *never* a young boy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39mii5/a_friend_asked_me_as_a_young_boy_was_your_mother/
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An old man dies and goes to heaven...

He's standing there, knocking on the pearly gates, but unfortunately for him St Peter's on his lunch break. However, it just so happens that after a little while Jesus passes by. Being the helpful sort, he goes up to the gates and asks if he can help.
"Yes," says the old man, "I've just died and I was hoping to see my son, who died before me."
"I'll see what I can do." says Jesus. "Can I ask your name?"
"Oh, it's Joseph." replies the old man.
"OK, and what's your occupation?"
"Oh, I'm a carpenter."
Jesus thinks about this for a moment. "In that case... does your son have any distinguishing features?"
"Yes, it's very odd, he's got holes in his hands and holes in his feet, you can't miss 'em!"
"I knew it!" cries Jesus, flinging wide the gates. "Father, it's me!"
The old man rushes forward in rapturous happiness, crying "My son! Pinocchio!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39mbpi/an_old_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
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I agree

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39m9qr/i_agree/
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What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39m496/what_do_you_call_somebody_with_no_body_and_no_nose/
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What do you call it when a frog jumps off a bridge?

Kermitting suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39m380/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_frog_jumps_off_a_bridge/
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Why is MetLife Stadium the windiest stadium in the NFL?

Because there's a Giant fan in every seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39lsvs/why_is_metlife_stadium_the_windiest_stadium_in/
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Three eggs plus cash

A wife was cleaning her husband's drawers and found an old wooden box containing three eggs and 5,000 dollars cash. Confused, the wife asked the husband what they were for. The husband answered, "well, whenever i feel lonely, i would drive to the strip club right across town. I feel guilty about it so i put an egg in the box the next day". The wife felt sad that she was not able to satisfy her husband but also happy that for the 30 years that they were married, he only went to the strip club 3 times. "What's the 5,000 dollars for?". "I sold the eggs every time i filled a tray"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39lrdf/three_eggs_plus_cash/
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On the night the titanic hit the iceberg...

there is a magic show. And the magician calls up a volunteer from the audience and asks him for his watch. He takes the watch, puts it in a bag and smashes it to pieces,
At that moment a Parrot in the audience calls out "It's in 'is pocket, it's in 'is pocket".
The magician looks at the parrot, the parrot looks at the magician and finally the magician pulls the watch out of his pocket and hands it back to the man.
The magician calls another volunteer from the audience and puts him a dissapearing box, he spins the box around and ta da the box is empty
The parrot goes "he's out the back, the guy stepped out the back"
The magician looks at the parrot, the parrot looks at the magician and finally the man sheepishly steps out from behind the box.
At that moment, the Iceberg hits, the ship goes down, the Magician is swimming around and grabs a bit of flotsam and who's on the other end of the piece of wood but the Parrot.
The magician looks at the parrot, the parrot looks at the magician, the magician looks at the parrot, for three days this goes on and finally the Parrot says
"alright I give up what did you do with the Fuckin' ship!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39lpo0/on_the_night_the_titanic_hit_the_iceberg/
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I wonder if they got jokes in Russia about "capitalistic America"...

In capitalistic America, bank robs you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39logc/i_wonder_if_they_got_jokes_in_russia_about/
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How do you drown a hipster?

... you push him into the mainsteam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39lfop/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
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This linguistics professor was lecturing the class...

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
Immediately, a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah.....right...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39lbc3/this_linguistics_professor_was_lecturing_the_class/
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New Apartment

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my
ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39l9ml/new_apartment/
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I hate it when..

I hate it when my black friend disappears in the dark,
My white friend in snow,
My Chinese friend in sand,
And my Middle-Eastern friend in drone strikes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39l6w3/i_hate_it_when/
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Chuck Norris jokes

When Chuck Norris' code throws exceptions, it's across the room.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. And then the grenade exploded.
When Chuck Norris goes into a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Feel free to add more. Shamelessly stolen from the internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39l293/chuck_norris_jokes/
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My girlfriend doesn't like it when I ask her to blow cool air on me

She is not a fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39l1ho/my_girlfriend_doesnt_like_it_when_i_ask_her_to/
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Describe yourself in 3 words:

1. Lazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39kxsg/describe_yourself_in_3_words/
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Sarcasm is like electricity

Half of the world still doesn't get it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39kxdb/sarcasm_is_like_electricity/
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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years...

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39kwvo/a_man_escapes_from_a_prison_where_hes_been_locked/
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What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter?

an Envelope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ku0h/what_starts_with_e_ends_with_e_and_only_contains/
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So Danny Ings is about to play his first game for Liverpool...

...Brendan Rodgers says: "We'll give you 45 minutes, then pull you off at half time."
Danny exclaims: "That's brilliant, we only used to get an orange at Burnley"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39krjx/so_danny_ings_is_about_to_play_his_first_game_for/
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How many 3rd wave feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whats the point? 3rd wave feminists can't take a joke anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39kqxr/how_many_3rd_wave_feminists_does_it_take_to/
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One day a grandpa was smoking a cigar...

... and his grandson ask if he can have a puff. The grandpa says "can your penis ouch your asshole yet?" and he says no. The grandpa just says your not old enough and finishes his cigar.
5 years later, he is drinking some alcohol and his grandson says "can I have a sip of your beer?" The grandpa ask the same question and the grandson says no again. The grandpa gives the same reply.
Finally 5 years later, the Grandpa is eating some cookies and his grandson ask if he can have some. The grandpa says "can your penis touch your asshole yet, and now the grandson says yes. The grandpa responds, "good, now go fuck yourself, these are my cookies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39kq4k/one_day_a_grandpa_was_smoking_a_cigar/
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My girlfriend goes on a bike trip every 28 days.

She calls it her monthly cycle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39koj5/my_girlfriend_goes_on_a_bike_trip_every_28_days/
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What's the shortest organ in a goat?

An ISIS member's dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39kk28/whats_the_shortest_organ_in_a_goat/
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What is the main difference between real numbers and women?

Real numbers having period are rational.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39kj3g/what_is_the_main_difference_between_real_numbers/
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The rape advice hotline hung up on me today...

Apparently "How do I stop them from blowing a rape whistle?" wasn't a valid question

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39kitm/the_rape_advice_hotline_hung_up_on_me_today/
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A man with terminal cancer gets frozen…

Then, he gets awakened in 2060 when they can cure his cancer.
The first thing he does when he learns he’s in 2060 is call his broker:
— Well, mister Smith, your total net worth today is $3,405,444,102.26.
Upon learning he’s a multibillionnaire, he leaps of joy and slips in some rêverie, until a little voice chimes in on the phone:
— Operator here, your three minutes are up. Please put two million dollars in the phone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39khrh/a_man_with_terminal_cancer_gets_frozen/
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I wasn't sure about having sex with aliens

Butt fuck 'et

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39kfdw/i_wasnt_sure_about_having_sex_with_aliens/
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I thought my blood type was A...

turns out it was a typo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39kf19/i_thought_my_blood_type_was_a/
%
My credit card was stolen today

I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ke1p/my_credit_card_was_stolen_today/
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What was the stealthiest type of dinosaur?

the nobodysaurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39kbgu/what_was_the_stealthiest_type_of_dinosaur/
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What did 1 volcano say to another volcano?

That ash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39k8p4/what_did_1_volcano_say_to_another_volcano/
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Problems In Bed

A man and his girlfriend were having sex for the first time. The man says to his girlfriend, "So you know exactly what position I'm in?"
She replies, "Yes,"
The man repeats, "You know EXACTLY what position I'm in?"
The girlfriend, slightly annoyed snappped, "Yes, I know EXACTLY what position you're in."
So they have sex, and the man finished in 30 seconds, and his girlfriend was disappointed.
"Well that didn't take too long, did it?"
The man replied, "Wait, the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle doesn't apply to men?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39js73/problems_in_bed/
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What's the difference between an oyster fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea?

The fisherman shucks between fits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39jnm1/whats_the_difference_between_an_oyster_fisherman/
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I'm going to start a foundation dedicated to helping people with obsessive behaviour.

And call it Obsessive Disorders Control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39jglr/im_going_to_start_a_foundation_dedicated_to/
%
I invented a new word

Plagiarism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39jbsy/i_invented_a_new_word/
%
What do you call bacon wrapped frog legs?

The Muppets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39jau1/what_do_you_call_bacon_wrapped_frog_legs/
%
What's the only difference between a near sighted and a far sighted gynecologist ?

A wet nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39j8o1/whats_the_only_difference_between_a_near_sighted/
%
My Viagra addiction

..was the hardest time of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39j7o5/my_viagra_addiction/
%
Petition to remove Ellen Pao from CEO position

*Permanently banned from Reddit*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39j6wn/petition_to_remove_ellen_pao_from_ceo_position/
%
The Difference Between Boys and Girls

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39j4tc/the_difference_between_boys_and_girls/
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Italian and a Rabbi are riding on a train together...

They get acquainted, and at one point the Italian takes some sausage out of his bag and offers some to his companion.
Rabbi asks, "Is it made from pork?"
"Yes", replies the Italian.
"Well then, I can't eat it.  It's not kosher.  God's law."
The Italian shrugs and eats the sausage, then pulls out a bottle of wine, offering some.
Rabbi looks at the bottle and says, "It's not kosher, I can't drink it.  God's law."
Italian says, "Wow your god is strict.  What if there was nothing kosher around to eat or drink?"
Rabbi replies, "Well, he makes exceptions in situations of life and death."
With that, the Italian points a gun at the rabbi and says, "Drink the wine or I'll blow your head off!!"
Rabbi grabs the bottle, and with a very annoyed look on his face, downs the rest of it.
"Please don't be upset with me.  I just wanted you to have some wine", says the Italian.
Rabbi says, "Of course I'm upset!  Where was the gun when you had some sausage left?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39j42m/italian_and_a_rabbi_are_riding_on_a_train_together/
%
What do you call a vegan wizard?

A soyceror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ivft/what_do_you_call_a_vegan_wizard/
%
I went to the canary islands

... and believe it or not, I didn't see any canaries.
I also went to the virgin islands, and believe it or not, I didn't see any canaries there either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39itec/i_went_to_the_canary_islands/
%
Any flavor you want.

Two good ol' boys are riding down the road in their truck one afternoon. As they travel down the road, they pass by an orchard of peach trees. On the side of the road, there's a sign that says "Peaches any flavor you want".
The younger boy says, "Hey, man, did you see that? They got peaches any flavor you want!".
The older boy says "Nah, they don't. They're just trying to get your attention."
The younger boy says "Aw, come on! Let's go get one!"
The older boy just utters "Fine..." and quickly does a U-turn back towards the orchard. He parks the truck next to the sign and says "Alright, get your peach and I'll wait here."
The younger boy jumps out of the truck and runs towards an old house off in the distance. When he gets there, he sees an old man sitting on a rocking chair on the front porch.
The younger boy says "Hey, that sign said 'Peaches any flavor you want'. Is it true?".
The old man replies with "Sure is. I got peaches any flavor you want."
The younger boy says "Got any flavored like peanut butter and jelly?"
The old man points at a tree, and says "Sure do. It's that tree just over yonder."
The younger boy walks over to the tree and picks a peach. He takes a bite, and sure enough, it tastes just like peanut butter. But there's no hint of jelly.
"I can taste the peanut butter, but where's the jelly?" said the younger boy.
"You just turn that peach on over, son." says the old man
The younger boy flips the peach over and takes a bite.  The peach tastes just like grape jelly. Excited over this, he runs back to the truck.
"It's true! They got peaches any flavor you want!" said the younger boy.
"Alright, I gotta see this..." said the older brother as he gets out of the truck.
The older brother makes his way up to the old man's house.
"Alright, he says you got peaches any flavor you want. Is it true?" said the older boy
"Sure is, sonny. I got all kinds of flavors." said the old man
The older boy gets a smug look, and replied "OK... You got one that tastes like pussy?"
With a sly grin, the old man points to a tree and says "Sure do. It's that tree just over there."
The older boy walks to the tree and picks a peach. He hesitates, but then takes a big bite. He's disgusted by the taste.
"Ugh, this tastes like shit!" says the older boy
From the distance, he hears the old man yell "WELL, TURN IT OVER!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39is90/any_flavor_you_want/
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What do you call an astronaut who loves himself?

A NASAccist!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39is3b/what_do_you_call_an_astronaut_who_loves_himself/
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Three social media news article writers walk into a bar

You won't believe what happens next.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39is0j/three_social_media_news_article_writers_walk_into/
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Two cannibals eating a clown.

One of them says to the other: does this taste funny to you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39iryo/two_cannibals_eating_a_clown/
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I was eating breakfasat with my 10 year old daughter and I asked her

"What day is it tomorrow"?
Without skipping a beat she said "It's presidents day!"
She's smart, so I asked her "What does President's day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush, or Clinton, etc.
She replied "President's day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bullshit."
Hot coffee came flying out my nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ip0l/i_was_eating_breakfasat_with_my_10_year_old/
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A feminist and a reddit admin walk into a bar...

Just kidding, they couldn't fit through the door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39inqo/a_feminist_and_a_reddit_admin_walk_into_a_bar/
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99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs.

Take one down, patch it around...
127 little bugs in the code.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39iewa/99_little_bugs_in_the_code_99_little_bugs/
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I made a belt from all of my old watches last night

It was such a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ietf/i_made_a_belt_from_all_of_my_old_watches_last/
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If a hipster falls in the middle of the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Yeah, but you've probably never heard it before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ieh1/if_a_hipster_falls_in_the_middle_of_the_woods_and/
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It's not premarital sex

If you never get married

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39idtx/its_not_premarital_sex/
%
The reason why men are not allowed to give advice in love-columns of magazines:

Anita:
"Hi! I'm a lady aged 26 married with one kid. Last week my husband was off duty and I had to drive alone to work. I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home. I drove for just about 2km from home n my car engine started to overheat so I turned back to get  the other car. When i got home i found my husband in bed with our maid!!! I don't know what to do now. Please help."
Reply by male columnist:
"Dear Anita,
Overheating of engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the carburetor. You need to check your oil and water level in your engine before you start your journey. You must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future. Hope this helps."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39idtk/the_reason_why_men_are_not_allowed_to_give_advice/
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My girlfriend is a porn star.

She'll be mad when she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ibc9/my_girlfriend_is_a_porn_star/
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Did you here about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes?

They performed unspeakable acts on her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39i97f/did_you_here_about_the_woman_who_got_attacked_by/
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I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance....
So I pushed the fucker over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39i96p/i_saw_a_one_legged_man_with_no_arms_at_the_atm/
%
A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar...

He sits down and orders a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39i6si/a_priest_a_pedophile_and_a_rapist_walk_into_a_bar/
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Success is like giving birth...

everyone congratulates you in the end but nobody knows how many times you got fucked in order to get there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39i65l/success_is_like_giving_birth/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39i50e/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
A Jewish kid wants to go to the mall...

and asks his dad for forty dollars.
"Thirty dollars?" he replies. "What do you need twenty dollars for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39i3p1/a_jewish_kid_wants_to_go_to_the_mall/
%
What do you call a muscular Arab?

Protein sheikh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39hz3f/what_do_you_call_a_muscular_arab/
%
There was a farmer who grew watermelons...

He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water melon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39hwtc/there_was_a_farmer_who_grew_watermelons/
%
Have you seen the movie, Constipated?

Of course not. It hasn't came out, yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39hvwl/have_you_seen_the_movie_constipated/
%
A man wakes up at home with an awful hangover...

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.  He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.  He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.  "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.  Love You!"   Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"  His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.  Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and  breakfast is on the table waiting for me?  I should expect a big quarrel with her!"  His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,  "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39hunr/a_man_wakes_up_at_home_with_an_awful_hangover/
%
Radio Station was running a competition

A competition for words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
CALLER: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
CALLER: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "...You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
CALLER: "Goan f**k yourself!!
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
CALLER: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
CALLER: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "...You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
CALLER: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39hs34/radio_station_was_running_a_competition/
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The little bit of decent human being left in me finds cannibalism to be wrong...

but who cares, he was delicious!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39hmsc/the_little_bit_of_decent_human_being_left_in_me/
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I met a girl with twelve nipples yesterday.

Wait, scratch that. That sounds really unrealistic, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39hksg/i_met_a_girl_with_twelve_nipples_yesterday/
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Why was the dietician kicked out of the casino?

He was caught counting carbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39hkbz/why_was_the_dietician_kicked_out_of_the_casino/
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Dad, what is a cross-dresser?

Ask your mother, he knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39hjo8/dad_what_is_a_crossdresser/
%
What is the best pick up line at a gay bar?

"Hello, can I push your stool in for you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39hi4j/what_is_the_best_pick_up_line_at_a_gay_bar/
%
My girlfriend says that small penis isn't that big of a problem

But I still think that she shouldn't have one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39hgha/my_girlfriend_says_that_small_penis_isnt_that_big/
%
I have a friend that's addicted to brake fluid.

But he says he can stop anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39hg9q/i_have_a_friend_thats_addicted_to_brake_fluid/
%
Did you know diarrhea is a genetic disorder?

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39hcyp/did_you_know_diarrhea_is_a_genetic_disorder/
%
Jesus drove a Honda but didn't talk about it...

"For I did not speak of my own Accord ..." John 12:49

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39hby6/jesus_drove_a_honda_but_didnt_talk_about_it/
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I have never understood why living in the poor part of town...

...makes your skin darker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39h70m/i_have_never_understood_why_living_in_the_poor/
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I'm addicted to soap

But I'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39h50h/im_addicted_to_soap/
%
Why did the Scarecrow get a promotion?

... because he was outstanding in his field!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39gw3z/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
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The girls call me fondue...

...because i'm cheesy, but still smooth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39gsxg/the_girls_call_me_fondue/
%
Reddit admins once ate a whole Pizza

Hut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39gsi2/reddit_admins_once_ate_a_whole_pizza/
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No Underwear

Three couples were golfing, a Swedish couple, an Irish couple, and a Scottish couple.
The Swede`s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yourself up a bit. “

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39grrd/no_underwear/
%
At the Last Supper

Jesus took a loaf of bread and said, "Take this, and eat it, for this is my body."
Next, Jesus took a cup of wine. He said, "Take this and drink it. For this is my blood."
Finally, Jesus graciously lifted a jug of milk and said, "This is my--"
"You can go fuck yourself." said Peter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39gpw6/at_the_last_supper/
%
A family gathered around an old man in his death bed...

Bob is on his death bed, holding on to the remaining scraps of life he has left. His family is gathered around, hoping to comfort the old man in his final hours.
After hours of silence, Bob breaks the silence.
"Is my beautiful Margaret here?  I want to hold the hand of the love of my life."
"I'm here, my love. Just as I've been everyday for the last 60 years. "
"And my boy, Roger? The boy who grew into a great man, making his ol man proud everyday? And his wife Helen, the greatest woman a father could hope for his boy?  "
"Yeah, pop. Helen and I are both here."
"What about my glorious grandchildren? The angels, they're here? "
"Yes, grammpa! We're here!"
"So everyone is here in this room, right now? So then, why are all the goddamn lights on in the house?!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39gpnf/a_family_gathered_around_an_old_man_in_his_death/
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A mean joke

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39gm09/a_mean_joke/
%
Have you heard the joke about Baltimore?

It's a riot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39gljf/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_baltimore/
%
My girlfriend has this weird fetish

Where she dresses up like herself, and acts like a total bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39gim7/my_girlfriend_has_this_weird_fetish/
%
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

A canoe occasionally tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39gi9e/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_canoe/
%
What's better than roses on the piano ?

Tulips on the organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39g8hi/whats_better_than_roses_on_the_piano/
%
I thought about going into investment banking

Then I lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39g53z/i_thought_about_going_into_investment_banking/
%
Seen this one in the paper... gave me a giggle

An elderly Irish man lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the waxed paper of the the kitchen table, were dozens of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted. He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...
"Clear off" she said, "They're for the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39g1hx/seen_this_one_in_the_paper_gave_me_a_giggle/
%
I know Greenwich has a mean time,

But do they have a happy hour?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39g16z/i_know_greenwich_has_a_mean_time/
%
How do weathermen get up a mountain?

They climate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39g0ws/how_do_weathermen_get_up_a_mountain/
%
A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds.

Whoops, sorry. Bear\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39fsse/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_is_torn_apart_in/
%
Two snakes walk into a bar.

Turns out they were lizards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39fs86/two_snakes_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39fqkn/man_goes_into_a_bar_and_seats_himself_on_a_stool/
%
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39fmmi/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokemon_trainer/
%
Yo mama so fat

She's a reddit admin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39flhw/yo_mama_so_fat/
%
What do women share in common with a condoms?

They spend more time in your wallet than on your cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39fjsh/what_do_women_share_in_common_with_a_condoms/
%
A woman walks in to the vets with her dead parrot...

'Please help me there's something wrong with my parrot' she tells him.
The vet takes one look at says 'i believe he's dead.'
The woman refuses to believe it and demands that he does something so the vet says 'Okay mam i'll go and get my magic labrador'. The vet then returns to the room with the labrador who looks at the parrot has a sniff and turns to look at the vet and shakes his head. 'Mam, my magic labrador has told me your parrots dead.
'No no no' she replies 'there must be something else you can do!'
The vet then goes in to the other room and comes back with a cat, 'this here is a magic cat, he'll tell me if your parrots dead or not.' The cat takes one look and turns to the vet and shakes his head. 'im sorry mam he's dead!'
At this point the woman cant take it anymore and storms out the vets crying her eyes out before she's stopped by the receptionist, 'Hey where do you think your going you havent paid yet'.
'Well how much will it be?' Says the woman crying
'£500' replies the receptionist
'£500!!!! what for!!!!'
'Well mam you had a lab-report and a cat-scan'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39fjja/a_woman_walks_in_to_the_vets_with_her_dead_parrot/
%
I am going for dancing lessons.

We did the waltz yesterday and it was really hard.
I just feel like I'm always taking 2 steps forward and 1 back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39fhes/i_am_going_for_dancing_lessons/
%
What do you call someone who tortures you to death with boring wordplay and double entendres?

PUNisher

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39feny/what_do_you_call_someone_who_tortures_you_to/
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Scottish insults:

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back
Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan
Had more hands up her than Sooty!
She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle
It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!
She's got a face that could make an onion cry.
I wouldn't ride her into battle.
Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege
I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole
Mair chins than a Chinese phone book
She smells like an alkies carpet
She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician
It's like shaggin a pail of water.
It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!
she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher
Fanny like a ripped out fireplace
Face like a sand blasted tomato
Arse like a bag of washing
She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant
She's seen more helmets than Hitler
Face like a stuntman's knee
She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab
Like opening the window and shagging the night
She's seen more cockends than weekends
A left her with a face like a painter's radio
Fanny like a clown's pocket
Fanny like a Hippo's yawn
She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out
I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet
More pricks than a second hand dartboard.
Face like a blind joiners thumb
She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew
She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo
Even the tide wouldn't take her out
Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard
Handled more balls than Dino Zoff
Pish flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags
She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout
A cunt like a burst couch
A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters
She's had more seamen than Saltcoats
She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !
She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!
Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39feda/scottish_insults/
%
Ellen Pao walks into a bar...

[censored]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39et9v/ellen_pao_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did capital 'O' say to capital 'Q'?

"Hey, put that thing back in your trousers!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39eroe/what_did_capital_o_say_to_capital_q/
%
This is the way Reddit ends. Not with a bang,

but with a Pao.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39en3l/this_is_the_way_reddit_ends_not_with_a_bang/
%
Ellen Pao walks into [this content violates our ban on anti-reddit propoganda policy and his thus been banned ]

*Admin Note:*
*The next user to make a joke about our glorious leader Ellen Pao shall be banned along with the offending subreddit.*
*Signed:*
*Grand Vizier Hippo Hamburger*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ei4k/ellen_pao_walks_into_this_content_violates_our/
%
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ei28/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
%
Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions

^jk ^lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ebuk/ellen_pao_is_actually_right_and_we_should_respect/
%
Why did Reddit have a rapid implosion/explosion this afternoon?

I heard it had something to do with supermassive bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39dy11/why_did_reddit_have_a_rapid_implosionexplosion/
%
Where do admins go for summer break?

Banned camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39dwn1/where_do_admins_go_for_summer_break/
%
Yo momma so fat...

She's a Reddit admin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39duu4/yo_momma_so_fat/
%
Today I pulled the dad jokes of all dad jokes.

At work, my coworker complained of ear pain. He asked me to look for a bump, so I looked.
Then, I said, "oh I know what's causing the pain!" He asked what it was, and I pulled a quarter from his ear..
I should be ashamed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39dt75/today_i_pulled_the_dad_jokes_of_all_dad_jokes/
%
An American, an Englishman, and a Terrorist are getting ready to skydive...

Before jumping out of the plane, they decide to toss a lucky item out the door, to ensure a safe landing. The American tosses his lucky Silver Dollar and then jumps out. The Englishman tosses his lucky Sterling Silver coin and then jumps. The Terrorist drops his lucky grenade and then jumps.
The American lands first. Upon landing he sees a little boy crying hysterically. "Why are you crying little boy?" He asks.
"A Silver Dollar came down from the sky and killed my dog"
The American, guilty, sneaks away from the situation.
The Englishman lands next. He sees a little girl crying hysterically. "Why are you crying little girl" He asks
"A Sterling Pound coin fell from the sky and struck and killed my little cat"
The Englishman, also knowing he was guilty, sneaks away.
The Terrorist lands last. Upon landing, he sees a little boy laughing hysterically.
"Little boy, what is so funny? Why can't you stop laughing?" He curiously asks
Controlling his laughter, he responds:
"Well sir, my little brother farted and the living room exploded!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39dl37/an_american_an_englishman_and_a_terrorist_are/
%
Yo momma so fat...

yo momma so fat, I crashed into her for 15 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39dhg0/yo_momma_so_fat/
%
There were tons of reddit admins responsible for today's commotion.

But not many of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ddq3/there_were_tons_of_reddit_admins_responsible_for/
%
My brother's pretty good at Russian Roulette...

He's only lost once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ddh4/my_brothers_pretty_good_at_russian_roulette/
%
Today I pulled the dad jokes of all dad jokes.

At work, my coworker complained of ear pain. He asked me to look for a bump, so I looked.
Then, I said, "oh I know what's causing the pain!" He asked what it was, and I pulled a quarter from his ear..
I should be ashamed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39da1a/today_i_pulled_the_dad_jokes_of_all_dad_jokes/
%
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an alter boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39d95a/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
I asked my trainer "Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?"

He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine" [ c/o /u/jubileo5 ]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39d861/i_asked_my_trainer_which_machine_at_the_gym/
%
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39d5kt/i_thought_my_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife_from/
%
What is Spiderman's perfect job?

A web designer.
^^^^^sorry!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39d0qw/what_is_spidermans_perfect_job/
%
There's a cliff to your right, a elephant to your left, a horse in front of you and a lion behind you, all running at the same speed. How do you get out of this predicament?

Get your drunk ass off the merry go round

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39czt1/theres_a_cliff_to_your_right_a_elephant_to_your/
%
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39cyil/what_do_you_call_a_sleepwalking_nun/
%
His many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

............ Ten Tickles........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39cook/his_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_squid/
%
A Coca Cola salesman returns from his Middle East assignment...

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, “Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?”
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39cl3y/a_coca_cola_salesman_returns_from_his_middle_east/
%
Little Johnny takes his grandfather's wartime medals into show and tell

The teacher says "tell us about how your grandfather got his medals."
Johnny says "my grandad fought the Germans in World War 2. He got these medals because he was the last man left alive in his unit. The Germans were advancing on his position and all he had  left was a rifle, three bullets, a bayonet and a bottle of whiskey. So he drank the bottle of whiskey and charged the Germans. He shot three of them and then killed another 17 with his bayonet."
The teacher says "I think there's a lesson for all of us there."
Little Johnny says "Yeah, don't fuck with my grandad when he's had a drink."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39cifl/little_johnny_takes_his_grandfathers_wartime/
%
A vulture boards a plane

Tired of flying himself, a vulture boards a plane carrying with him his lunch, a dead animal. The atendant notices and says, "Sir, we do not allow you to bring on dead animals." Quite surprised, the vulture says, "But I was told I could bring carrion luggage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ch0e/a_vulture_boards_a_plane/
%
Two of my fathers favorite jokes from Russia.

How do 10 American extremists have fun? They take 10 cars and one of them has no breaks. The next day 9 are happy, one is dead.
How do 10 French extremists have fun? They take 10 prostitutes and one of them has Aids. The next day 9 are satisfied, one is sad.
How do 10 Russian extremists have fun? Each says a political joke, the next day 9 are in the Gulag and one is laughing.
And for the second joke:
An American and a Russian are talking. The American says "My country is so great, I can hold a sign saying that I do not agree with
the President right in front of the white house".
The Russian on the other hand says "What's the big a deal, I can also stand right in front of our white house saying that I do not agree with the American president".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ce8r/two_of_my_fathers_favorite_jokes_from_russia/
%
Did you hear about the girl who was found masturbating while on her period?

She was caught red handed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39cck0/did_you_hear_about_the_girl_who_was_found/
%
I can speak 10 languages.

English and Binary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39c96y/i_can_speak_10_languages/
%
A redditor was conducting a scientific experiment...

...on a grasshopper. He placed the grasshopper on a white sheet of paper and with a magnifying glass observed as he gave the command to jump. Hearing the command, the grasshopper jumped. He writes down his observations: "1.When given the command to jump, the grasshopper jumps." Then he cuts the wings off and commands to jump again. When the grasshopper jumps, he writes down his observations: "2. After cutting the wings of the grasshopper, the grasshopper jumps at the jump command." He then cuts the legs off and gives the command again; the grasshopper doesn’t jump, just sits still. He rubs his chin a bit and writes down his observation: "3. After cutting the grasshopper's legs off, the grasshopper loses his sense of hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39c7bt/a_redditor_was_conducting_a_scientific_experiment/
%
Mao Zedong, Stalin, Hitler, and Ellen Pao walk into a bar...

(user was banned for this post)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39c4x3/mao_zedong_stalin_hitler_and_ellen_pao_walk_into/
%
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39c3ic/i_went_for_a_job_interview_as_a_blacksmith/
%
Used parachute for sale.

Only used once, never been opened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39c25l/used_parachute_for_sale/
%
What was Hitler's favorite letter?

I have no idea, but it was probably NOT Z.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39bzxn/what_was_hitlers_favorite_letter/
%
Cannibals are nasty

3 friends are captured by cannibals.
Each one of of them are given a last wish before they are killed.
The first guy asks for a smoking hot blonde. He has his way with her. As soon as his done, his skinned alive and killed.  They use the skin to make the covering of a canoe.  The other two mates witness this and are horrified.  It's the second guys turn and he chooses the finest bottle of whiskey. As he has the last sip, he is also skinned and added to the canoe. The last guy's wish is for a fork. A freakin fork, they ask ?
As soon as they hand him the fork, he starts jabbing himself all over his body and hells : "YOU'RE NOT TURNING ME INTO A FUCKING CANOE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39bywr/cannibals_are_nasty/
%
Gynecologist that wants to be a mechanic.

My girlfriend's grandfather told me this beauty last night.
Bob no longer wants to be a Gynecologist and decides that a mechanic job would best suit him.
He attends a class on the basic of car repairs. After finishing the course Bob receives a grade of 150/100. Bob, confused, goes and takes to the instructor.
Bob: "Could you please break down the grade I received? I'm a little confused how I got 150%."
Instructor: "Well you get 50% for doing the undercarriage perfect! You get another 50% for doing the engine work perfect!"
Bob: "And what about the other 50%? Where did that come from?"
Instructor: "I gave you the extra points for being able to fix the carburetor through the muffler!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39btsz/gynecologist_that_wants_to_be_a_mechanic/
%
I walked in from work today and my wife was

sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, "What's going on?"
"You tell me?" replied my wife.
I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."
"A stranger, eh?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"
I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39bqx2/i_walked_in_from_work_today_and_my_wife_was/
%
I'm going to have a kid and name him Mark...

...so I can make my Mark in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39bqmu/im_going_to_have_a_kid_and_name_him_mark/
%
Red Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39bnui/red_tomatoes/
%
A blind man walks into a bar.

And a table. And a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39biz3/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why are rosary beads so small?

Because altar boys are really tight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39bidx/why_are_rosary_beads_so_small/
%
The invention of the wheel

started a revolution

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39bgm2/the_invention_of_the_wheel/
%
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ben5/bob_was_in_trouble_he_forgot_his_wedding/
%
An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend...

An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. She wants to do something special for him that night, and decides that she wants to go down on him, but alas has no experience. She asks her friend for advice, who then hands her a banana and says "Here, practice with this."
Sure enough, the blonde girls peels the banana and goes to town on it like a deepthroat professional. Her friend says "See, you're doing great! Don't change a thing!"
The next day the blonde's friend calls her up, eager to hear how everything went. "How did everything go?" She asks.
The blonde says "Pretty great. Didn't know there would be that much screaming and blood though."
"Blood?" Her friend asks, "Where did the blood come from?"
"The peeling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39bamv/an_abstinent_blonde_and_her_boyfriend/
%
Wives are magicians

They can turn anything into an argument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39baa8/wives_are_magicians/
%
2 married mathematicians have fratenal twins

They name the boy Adam, and the girl Subtractam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ba61/2_married_mathematicians_have_fratenal_twins/
%
My Son Has Gonorrhoea

'Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,' a patient told his urologist on the phone. 'The only woman he's screwed is our maid.'
'Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid,' the medic soothed. 'Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him.'
'But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has.'
'Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up.' Replied the doctor. 'Well,' the man admitted, ' I think my wife now has it too.'
'Son of a bitch!' the physician roared. 'That means we've all got it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39b8ge/my_son_has_gonorrhoea/
%
A mugger approaches an Irish man

He points his gun and says, "Your money or your life!"
The Irishman replies, "Take me life. I'm saving me money for me old age."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39b7sn/a_mugger_approaches_an_irish_man/
%
The three tortures.

A tourist got lost hiking in some mountains in China. It started snowing so he decided to seek shelter. He came upon a tall tower with light in the window, so he pounded on the door. A little old Chinese man opened the door.
"WHAT YOU WAN' ROUND EYE"
Shocked that the old man spoke english, the traveler told him about his dilemma and through some slight coaxing, was invited inside. The old man and his daughter were sitting down to eat. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. The old man saw the traveler staring and whacked him with a spoon.
"YOU MAY BE GUEST, BUT YOU SEX MY DAUGHTER I GIVE YOU THE THREE ANCIENT TORTURE"
The traveler promised not to even glance at the girl. And off to bed he went in the guest room at the very top of the tower. Low and behold, 4 hours later the daughter was crawling into bed with him. "What the hell" he thought. And they made passionate love.
The next morning the traveler woke up with a heavy feeling on his chest. He opened his eyes and saw a rock with a not on it. "TORTURE 1: ROCK ON CHEST". The traveler laughed. the stupid old man calls THIS torture? He would gladly take on these three tortures if they were all this silly. So he stood up and decided to throw the rock out the window, as it was heavy and he didn't want to carry it down stairs. Or leave it in the room and leave in shame.
Out the window the rock went. The traveler then felt something odd. Something was crawling up his thigh...
He noticed another note dragging across the floor, attached to some thin piano wire, towards him. The not said in large, bold print,  "TORTURE 2: LEFT TESTICLE TIED TO ROCK"
Thinking quickly the traveler jumped out the window. Broken bones sounded better than castration. While falling he saw the old man grinning in the courtyard below. He held a sign over his head that read "TORTURE 3: RIGHT TESTICLE TIED TO BED POST".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39b3ib/the_three_tortures/
%
Why do nuns never wear a bra?

God supports everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39b37k/why_do_nuns_never_wear_a_bra/
%
Did you know semen leaves the penis at 50 miles per hour? That means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone,

but I don't think I got arrested because of the speed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39azvl/did_you_know_semen_leaves_the_penis_at_50_miles/
%
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?

An eyesaur

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39aq5z/what_do_you_call_an_ugly_dinosaur/
%
You can't run in a camp site.

You can only ran because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39aoqr/you_cant_run_in_a_camp_site/
%
Just played Uno with my Mexican co-workers...

...they stole all the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39aom9/just_played_uno_with_my_mexican_coworkers/
%
So I ordered a pizza

I ordered a funghi pizza yesterday but I was pretty disappointed.. They obviously have mushroom for improvement

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39aodt/so_i_ordered_a_pizza/
%
Two blondes went to a drive-in movie. What movie did they go to see?

"Closed for Winter".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ache/two_blondes_went_to_a_drivein_movie_what_movie/
%
You know what really grinds my gears?

Poor clutch control.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39abdc/you_know_what_really_grinds_my_gears/
%
Sadly, I had to quit my job as a taxi driver...

I just couldn't stand everyone talking behind my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39a9q5/sadly_i_had_to_quit_my_job_as_a_taxi_driver/
%
What is yellow and eats beetles for a living?

Yoko Ono.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39a9n4/what_is_yellow_and_eats_beetles_for_a_living/
%
Today, I made the little things count

by teaching math to midgets.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39a8ji/today_i_made_the_little_things_count/
%
My favorite joke ( the only one I can remember)

I translated it from Dutch, I hope it is funny in English too.
Yesterday I walked out of the office. A man with a gun approached me and yelled: "your money or your life". So I told him: "I don't have any money, because I work at Reddit". Then the robber said: "Oké, go home then because I hear you have no life either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39a6ym/my_favorite_joke_the_only_one_i_can_remember/
%
n Eskimo was out for a drive

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and is forced to call a mechanic. Finally the mechanic arrives and he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate" to which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No I haven't! That's just frost on my moustache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39a4q4/n_eskimo_was_out_for_a_drive/
%
The Man and the Nun

A man gets onto a bus. On this bus, the man meets a nun. The man, being a straight-forward guy, asks the nun if she wants to have sex. The nun replies "Heaven's, no!" and gets off the bus. When the man gets off the bus, the bus driver stops him.
"You know, that nun visits a grave every night at midnight. If you really want to have sex with her, all you have to do is dress up like the ghost of that grave and demand sex. She can't possibly turn you down."
The man says thanks and exits the bus. Later that night, the man arrives at the grave dressed as a ghost. He approaches the nun and demands sex.
The nun responds "Well, alright. I have an oath of virginity, however, so it'll have to be anal sex."
The man says fine and the two have sex. Afterwards, the man takes off his costume.
"Jokes on you, I was the man all along!"
The nun pulls off her costume.
"Jokes on you, I was the bus driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39a3ce/the_man_and_the_nun/
%
Did you hear about Jon Snow dropping his new Apple product?

And now his watch has ended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/399zrf/did_you_hear_about_jon_snow_dropping_his_new/
%
A member at a golf club

Joe is a member of his local golf club. He walks into the locker room after finishing his round and sees his friend Tim with an annoyed look on his face.
"Hey Tim, were you playing today?" Asks Joe
"Yeah, wasn't very good though, had a Princess Diana round" replied Tim
"A Princess Diana round?"
"Yeah, the driver fucking killed me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/399y65/a_member_at_a_golf_club/
%
Fell through the glass doors of a French bakery and..

.. now I'm in a world of pain :D
(source: Sickipedia, some user called SoSueMe..)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/399wfv/fell_through_the_glass_doors_of_a_french_bakery/
%
The only joke my mom ever made

was me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/399rag/the_only_joke_my_mom_ever_made/
%
A vegan, an atheist, and a cross fitter walk into a bar...

...everyone else leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/399lmz/a_vegan_an_atheist_and_a_cross_fitter_walk_into_a/
%
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/399j77/what_do_princess_diana_and_pink_floyd_have_in/
%
What's the most boring cut of meat?

Filet minYAWN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/399i0x/whats_the_most_boring_cut_of_meat/
%
She knelt before me..

Enquiring about a recent loud fight between the couple, Jacks neighbour asks him how did the scuffle end?
"How did you think it would?....She had to kneel before me" says Jack.
Suprised and growing a little proud of him, his friend asks "Really? She knelt before you?"
Looking around Jack says "Umm huh!"
"Omg! You are awesome! What did she say when she was on her knees"
Jack slowly walking away "She said, if I come out from under the bed she might consider not beating me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/399hwj/she_knelt_before_me/
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Why was Sir Lancelot too tired to jump over the moat?

He didn't get a good knight's leap.
Wakka wakka!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3999ra/why_was_sir_lancelot_too_tired_to_jump_over_the/
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What's your name?

A man was at a bar when a beautiful woman walked up to him to say hello. He asks her name to which she says Jane. She asked his name, he said, Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Fa fa fa fa fa el el el el el el. "Oh, I'm sorry I wasn't aware you had a speech impediment!" she says to him. "Oh my no, I speak just fine. My father was the one with the speech impediment. The person who registered me was just a son of a bitch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3995t9/whats_your_name/
%
What did the drug test say to the addict?

"URINE TROUBLE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3993qp/what_did_the_drug_test_say_to_the_addict/
%
What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire?

Arrr son!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3991wn/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_saw_his_kid/
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A sexually frustrated farmer...

A sexually frustrated farmer finally had enough. He went down to his barn and grabbed his only sheep and carried it back to the house. He kicked open the door and hauled the sheep up the stairs towards his bedroom. He kicked open his bedroom door where his wife was laying in bed. He began to yell,
"I just wanted you to see the pig I've been fucking when your not around! "
The wife yelled back, "That's a sheep you idiot"
The farmer replied," Shut up bitch, I wasn't talking to you! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3990wp/a_sexually_frustrated_farmer/
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What symbol dispels a hex?

A hexagon!
-In collaboration with my kid sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/398zjh/what_symbol_dispels_a_hex/
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The Line....

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/398ytb/the_line/
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Two guys walk into a bar...

The bartender asks "So, what'll it be?". The first man says "I'll just have a glass of H2O, thanks.", the bartender then turns to his friend and asks him what he'd like.
"I'll take a glass of H2O too."
He died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/398uo2/two_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/398ukt/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/
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A Man Who Loves His Wife... [NSFW]

A man who loves his wife decides one day to get a tattoo to commemorate their love.
He decided to get a tattoo on his penis of his wife's name, Wendy. So he goes down to the tattoo parlor and gets a big WENDY in all capitol letters down the length of his shaft. He goes home, and his wife loves it.
Our hero is a grower, not a shower, so when he's not erect you can't see the whole name, unfortunately. You can only really make out the W on his head and the Y down and the base, so unless he's hard his penis doesn't so much say WENDY as it says WY.
Months later, he finds himself on a business trip to Jamaica. In the airport in Kingston, he rushes to a urinal to relieve himself.
A local comes up beside him to the only other urinal there. Quickly glancing at his new neighbor, the man notices a similar WY tattoo on the Jamaican man's junk.
Curiosity gets the better of him, and he decides to ask the local about their similar tattoos.
"I'm terribly sorry, but I couldn't help but notice we have a similar tattoo."
"Ya, mon? Which tattoo?"
"Well, I noticed the WY on your penis. I have something similar, it's my wife's name, WENDY. I was just curious, does your wife's name happen to be Wendy, too?"
The Jamaican man bursts out laughing and says, "No, mon, it's nothing like that, ya see. Mi wife is called Rita."
"Well then what does it say?"
"It says, 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A NICE DAY'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/398rsv/a_man_who_loves_his_wife_nsfw/
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He tells the punchline first.

What's the worst thing about a time traveling comedian?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/398q6q/he_tells_the_punchline_first/
%
The rotation of earth

Really makes my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/398nei/the_rotation_of_earth/
%
Why did the golfer wear two pair of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/398mdw/why_did_the_golfer_wear_two_pair_of_pants/
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Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?

A: Senator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/398iqc/q_what_do_you_call_a_lawyer_who_has_gone_bad/
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The difference between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee?

Why does Chuck Norris have a lot of jokes but Bruce Lee doesn't?
Because Bruce Lee is no joke...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/398gs7/the_difference_between_chuck_norris_and_bruce_lee/
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What do scientists and vegetables have in common?

Stephen Hawking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/398ckj/what_do_scientists_and_vegetables_have_in_common/
%
Sherlock Holmes and his assistant, Watson were visiting United States...

Both came across a primary school and Sherlock turned to his assistant, "Elementary, my dear Watson." Watson replied "No shit, Sherlock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/398bpa/sherlock_holmes_and_his_assistant_watson_were/
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A programmers wife tells him to buy groceries

She says buy bread, and if there are eggs get a dozen.
He came home with twelve loaves of bread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/398av9/a_programmers_wife_tells_him_to_buy_groceries/
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Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin are all sitting in a restaurant discussing their plans for World War 3.

A waitress approaches the table and listens to their talk.  Hitler opens by saying:
"Okay guys, I've got a great idea.  I already talked to Stalin about it, but I figure I should get your input.  He didn't believe me."
Mussolini responds "believe you about what?"
"Okay this time, the plan is to kill ten million jews and one mexican."
The waitress at this point is intrigued and confused, decides to chime in.  "One Mexican?  Why do you want to kill the mexican?"
Hitler turns to Stalin and says "HA!  I told you nobody would care about the jews!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3983wo/hitler_mussolini_and_stalin_are_all_sitting_in_a/
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3 little girls walk up to their father

The first little girl asks, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
and the dad says, "because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head, so we decided to call you rose."
The second little girl asks, "Daddy, why is my name Lily?"
and the dad says, "because when you were born, a lily petal fell on your head, so we decided to call you Lily."
The third little girl says, "hurdddurflbbbbb dur."
and the dad says, "shut up Cinderblock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3981qj/3_little_girls_walk_up_to_their_father/
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Dang girl. Are you a werewolf...

Cause I'm lycan what I see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/397zgn/dang_girl_are_you_a_werewolf/
%
(NSFW) A man is visiting his wife in the hospital...

And after a year of being in a coma he feels it may be time to pull the plug. he chats with that doctor about any last minute things they could try to bring her back, and the man has one.
"when she was alive she really enjoyed me touching her boobs" he said.
"Well go try that." replied the doctor.
a minute later the man comes out overjoyed "doctor she moaned! that's the first noise she's made since the accident!"
the doctor instructed him to touch the other breast just to see what happens.
"she moaned again!" replied the man, "What else can I do?"
"Listen", said the doctor, "go in there and I'll guard the door. I want you to perform oral sex with your wife."
10 minutes go by and the man comes running out, panting, white as a sheep, sweating bullets.
"What happened?", asked the doctor, "You've been in there for 10 minutes!"
The man looked up and with a tear in his eye stated: "She choked to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/397z9r/nsfw_a_man_is_visiting_his_wife_in_the_hospital/
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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority

found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and,
To everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if
There was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills Versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road Kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to Warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/397u7q/researchers_for_the_massachusetts_turnpike/
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A blind guy is out for a walk

with his seeing eye dog. He's stopped at a light waiting for it to change. His dog gets an attack and relieves himself.
The light changes and the dog leads the owner across the street.
A passerby says "Hey buddy, your dog made a mess at the corner. Go take care of it"
Blind guy says "How do you expect me to do that? I can't see shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/397qal/a_blind_guy_is_out_for_a_walk/
%
The Jewish Tie Salesman

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something
far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little Jewish man
standing at a small makeshift display rack selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The old man replied, "I have no water. Would like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an overpriced western adornment.
I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you,
but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me,
or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me Infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food
and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/397o86/the_jewish_tie_salesman/
%
The Water Fight

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.
I won!
No one's a match for me and my kettle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/397mie/the_water_fight/
%
A Man asks for a Kitkat

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/397kx8/a_man_asks_for_a_kitkat/
%
Radar Gun

During an uneventful evening a cop at a speed trap has pulled over a speeding car.
*Cop*: "Sir do you know why I pulled you over?"
*Man*: "I'm afraid I was speeding officer. But you see, I'm a plastic surgeon at a private clinic and I was rushing to a client."
*Cop*: "What kind of a procedure are you doing?"
*Surgeon*: "I specialize the enlargement of the anus. This particular client is in the middle of widening it to a diameter of about 2 meters."
*Cop*: "Jesus H. Christ! What would possibly want to do with a 6 foot asshole??"
Surgeon: "Oh that's simple! You put it at the side of the road and give it a radar-gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/397h77/radar_gun/
%
Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school .....

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi ?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
And, Third -whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different boy-little Johnny--puts his hand up; Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny."
"And what is your question, Johnny?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi ?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third- whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And, Fifth - where's Kenneth? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/397ed9/hillary_clinton_goes_to_a_giftedstudent_primary/
%
What do you call a young, satanic horse?

A colt.
I'll see myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/397bz7/what_do_you_call_a_young_satanic_horse/
%
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3978if/why_dont_you_ever_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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TIL if you type your password for all to see it gets censored. Look: 1337Penis



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39743e/til_if_you_type_your_password_for_all_to_see_it/
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BLONDE ON BLONDE

Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3972oo/blonde_on_blonde/
%
A Frog, A Bear, and A Rabbit

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog is hopping towards a water hole. The forest is so enormous that the frog have never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear is chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear is amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It's the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest are female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear is shocked that the rabbit is asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, are female."
The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that this bear is gay."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3972ff/a_frog_a_bear_and_a_rabbit/
%
Two men are at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building

After a long week of work, Buddy's decide to celebrate the weekend by getting absolutely wasted.
3 hours later and 9 drinks, they are completely drunk.
One of the men turns to his buddy, points to the window and slurs "You know, the winds are so high out here, that if you jump out you'll get pushed right back."
His buddy replies "What? No. You're lying."
The first man grins and starts walking to the window.
He opens it, and a giant gust blows in. He jumps out and flys back in.
The friend is in such a amazement that he runs straight to the window, jumps, and falls to his death.
The bartender looks up from cleaning a cup and says "you know Superman, you're a real asshole when you get drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39716j/two_men_are_at_a_bar_at_the_top_of_the_empire/
%
Who was the greatest prostitute in history?

Mrs. Pac-Man, for 25c she swallowed balls until she died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3970wu/who_was_the_greatest_prostitute_in_history/
%
I didn't have a condom last night, so I used a sock...

She wouldn't stop complaining about cotton mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39708f/i_didnt_have_a_condom_last_night_so_i_used_a_sock/
%
A blond, a redhead, and a brunette are at school one day eating lunch

The blond says to her friends, "If I have another turkey sandwich for lunch, I'm going to kill myself!" The redhead, knowing how she feels says, "if I get a ham sandwich for lunch one more time, then I'm going to kill myself!" The brunette chimes in and says, "you know, if I get another stupid tuna sandwich for lunch one more time, I'm definitely going to kill myself!" And with that they ate their lunch and continued the remainder of the day at school.
The next day as they open up their lunch's the blond realized she has yet another turkey sandwich, then proceeds to jump off the building of the school to her death. The redhead opens her lunch, and sees it is, indeed, a ham sandwich, so she joins her friend and jumps off the school building. The brunette follows suit after seeing a tuna sandwich and jumps to her death.
At the funeral, the mother's of all three girls were crying saying to one another about how they should have listened to their daughters about how seriously they did not want those particular sandwiches made for them. Then the blond's mother tells the other moms, "I don't get it, she made her own lunch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/396zn5/a_blond_a_redhead_and_a_brunette_are_at_school/
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Yellow Snow on the White House lawn

One winter morning, Bill Clinton woke up and looked out the window of his bedroom in the White House. He was shocked to see the words "Bill Sucks" peed in the snow. He called the Secret Service to investigate the matter.
After a few days, the head of the Secret Service reported back to Bill, "I have bad news and I have worse news."
"Ok, let's hear the bad news."
"We did an analysis on the urine and it belongs to Al Gore."
"And the worse news?"
"We did a handwriting analysis as well. It belongs to Hillary."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/396vxb/yellow_snow_on_the_white_house_lawn/
%
Scots Treat

Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought,
"What the heck, I'll treat her!"
So, they walked past it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/396h67/scots_treat/
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My dad called in and told this joke to win a corny joke contest in the 70's

What has two knees and swims in the ocean?
A Two-knee fish!.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/396eyx/my_dad_called_in_and_told_this_joke_to_win_a/
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My boss told me not to bring my lunch to work in a brown paper bag.

I told him that I'll drink my lunch how I want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/396ery/my_boss_told_me_not_to_bring_my_lunch_to_work_in/
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NSFW Leprechaun

John went into the restroom at his local bar and standing in front of the urinal is a very small man with an enormous penis. John asks "I'm sorry to bother you but how does someone your size have a penis that big?" The little man responds "I'm a leprechaun and you can have a penis like this too." John excitedly exclaims "Wow! Really? What do I have to do?". The leprechaun then says "You just have to let me fuck you in the arse." John thinks about it for a bit and after living his life with a less than average penis he decides to go for it.
The leprechaun bends John over the sink and starts hammering him from behind. As John is taking the enormous cock the leprechaun says "So what's yer name?"
"J-j-j-j john" he replies.
"Well how old are ya John?"
"Th-th-thirtyfive"
With a twisted smile the little man replies "Well John, aren't ya a little old to be believin' in leprechauns?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/396epw/nsfw_leprechaun/
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An Old Scott

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."
"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days."
"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea...Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board."
"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya fuck one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/396d7m/an_old_scott/
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The worlds best ninjas comes from Iceland

Anyone actually seen an Icelandic ninja?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/396ash/the_worlds_best_ninjas_comes_from_iceland/
%
Kids play Doctors and Nurses

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3968yy/kids_play_doctors_and_nurses/
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Little Jimmy goes to church.

Little Jimmy goes to church on Sunday.  There, he runs into the priest.
The priest says, "Good morning Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "Good morning, Father."
Priest: "Tell me Jimmy, how is your brother Timmy doing these days?"
Jimmy: "Well Father, Timmy is crippled you know?  And just the other day Father, Timmy came to the church, took holy water and rubbed it on his right leg and threw his crutch away!"
Priest: "Oh my God, a miracle in my church!  We are blessed by God!  Then what happened?"
Jimmy: "Well Father, then he took holy water, rubbed it on his left leg and threw his other crutch away!"
Priest: "Praise Jesus!  This is truly a miracle in my church!  God is great!  Then what happened, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Well Father then he fell on his ass, he's crippled you know?"
This is my grandpa's favorite joke to tell.  I think I've heard it at least 30 times.  He likes to tell the joke with Jimmy having a lisp.  Couldn't really figure out how to translate that to typing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3964n0/little_jimmy_goes_to_church/
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Drunk guy is pissing in the park

An Old lady walked past him and says with anger:
- What a beast!
- Don't worry Ma'am I'm holding him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3962z5/drunk_guy_is_pissing_in_the_park/
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I'm gonna try and shoot the whole school

Said the yearbook photographer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3960dg/im_gonna_try_and_shoot_the_whole_school/
%
A hole has been found in the wall of a nudist camp.

The police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39606r/a_hole_has_been_found_in_the_wall_of_a_nudist_camp/
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The reason why men are not allowed to give advice in love-columns of magazines

Anita:
"Hi! I'm a lady aged 26, married with one kid. Last week my husband was off duty and I had to drive alone to work. I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home. I drove for just about 2 miles from home and my car engine started to overheat so I turned back to get  the other car. When I got home I found my husband in bed with our maid!!! I don't what to do now. Please help."
Reply by male columnist:
"Dear Anita,
Overheating of engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the carburetor. You need to check the oil and coolant level in your engine before you start your journey. You must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future. Hope this helps.".
PS: Clichéd, but still funny in my opinion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39603q/the_reason_why_men_are_not_allowed_to_give_advice/
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What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?

You don't look like you could take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/395w7c/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_two_dicks/
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Magic Trick

A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers. Since the passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks over and over.
Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot who sat around and watched the magician perform his tricks, over and over. Eventually, the parrot learned how the tricks were done and would interrupt the act.
"It's in his sleeve," the parrot would say. "He switched balls." "It's in his pocket." Etc., etc.
Naturally, the magician was quite disturbed by the parrot but could do nothing about it, since it belonged to the Captain.
Unfortunately, the cruise ship had the misfortune of hitting an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the sea in a matter of minutes. As fate would have it, the magician and the parrot managed to grab hold of the same floating piece of furniture.
For 3 days, neither said anything. The magician stared at the parrot and the parrot stared back. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot cracked and said, "OK, I give up, where on Earth did you put the ship?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/395rq6/magic_trick/
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what did Spock find in the ships lavatory?

the captain's log

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/395q00/what_did_spock_find_in_the_ships_lavatory/
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A blind man knocks on a guy's door

"Money for the blind, sir" he says in a sad tone. The man, skeptical as to whether or not the man at his doorstep is actually blind, asks him to prove it.
The blind man, now angry, looks around a bit and says, "Can you see those two midgets standing near that tree?"
"Yes" says the man.
"WELL I SURE AS HELL CANT! NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME?"
^^^^imsosorryguise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/395n84/a_blind_man_knocks_on_a_guys_door/
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2 Guys At A Urinal NSFW

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/395l7g/2_guys_at_a_urinal_nsfw/
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German scientists have discovered a new drug, derived from the bacteria *Adolfus hitlerii*, which will be applied to people with ADD.

Its ad campaign will carry the slogan "It helps Jew concentrate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/395ivs/german_scientists_have_discovered_a_new_drug/
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What happened to the dyslexic satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/395hj8/what_happened_to_the_dyslexic_satanist/
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A taxi driver picks up a nun..

A taxi driver picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, God has not put me in this world to be sheltered from the sins of man. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that would offend me personally.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy about fucking a nun in the ass, but I suppose that would be totally out of the question?' She responds, 'Well, I can't have intercourse, but if it's in the ass, God won't really count it as intercourse. There are a few conditions though: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The taxi driver and the nun fulfill his fantasy better than he could ever have imagined it himself. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK...... My name is Bruce and I'm dressed this way because I'm going to a Halloween party.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/395f0x/a_taxi_driver_picks_up_a_nun/
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I adore children.

A little salt, a squeeze of lemon - perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/395a8b/i_adore_children/
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Ferrari vs Scooter

One sunny day an old gentleman decided to take his little scooter for a nice ride.  He was the type of old man that was nice to everybody and polite as could be. About twenty minutes into his ride he is stopped at a stop light enjoying the cars as they pass when a middle aged business man pulls up beside him in a beautiful red convertible  Ferrari. Being a nice guy he says to the business man, "sure is a nice car you have there sir."  Being a pompous dick and not wanting to talk to a lowly old man riding a scooter, the business man flips him off, and rolls up the window.  He then decides, I am gonna show this old man how awesome me and my car really is.  As soon as the light goes green the business man floors the Ferrari attempting to leave him in the dust.  As he takes off the he looks in his rear view mirror and to his amazement he can see the old man on the scooter not far behind and gaining on him.  Not to be made a fool of the business man gives it all he's got accelerating to 100 mph.   He looks in his mirror again expecting the old man to be left behind but to his utter amazement the old man is still close behind and gaining!!  The business man is seriously humbled that this scooter could keep up and decides to stop and admit defeat to the ol coot.  The pair finally come to a stop and the business man rolls his window back down, "sir I want to apologize for my behavior back there, I shouldn't have flipped you off and thought so poorly about you and your scooter.  You obviously have a good scooter that is just as amazing as my awesome car."  The old man almost out of breath and heart racing from going so fast says, "no need to apologize, I was a little upset at first, but when you rolled your window up with my suspenders caught in there you gave me the feelings of excitement and adrenaline I haven't had in years!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/395954/ferrari_vs_scooter/
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If my wife hates when I cum in her hair.

Why does she keep leaving it in the shower drain?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3958lf/if_my_wife_hates_when_i_cum_in_her_hair/
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What do you find in between the tits of an old woman that you won't find in between those of a young woman?

A belly button.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3957dh/what_do_you_find_in_between_the_tits_of_an_old/
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An old man confesses a sin

An old man entered a confessional one morning and immediately informed the priest on duty that he was 87 years old.
"I was completely faithful to my wife for 64 years, until last night," he told the priest,  "I was propositioned by two college girls and I took them up on it."
"We did it twice," he added proudly.
"I understand," the priest replied, "How long has it been since your last confession?"
"Never.  I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling everybody!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39532h/an_old_man_confesses_a_sin/
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What do you call a band of killer whales?

An orcastra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3951sb/what_do_you_call_a_band_of_killer_whales/
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Why does O.J. Simpson claim that he's not a murderer?

He's an ex-murderer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3950vk/why_does_oj_simpson_claim_that_hes_not_a_murderer/
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What did the dog say when it sat on a piece of sandpaper?

Ruff!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/394v1j/what_did_the_dog_say_when_it_sat_on_a_piece_of/
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A blonde shows up to work with her ears completely burnt

Her coworker asks" what happened to your ears?"
The blond replies "well I was ironing my shirt when the phone rang. I picked up the iron thinking it was the phone"
"And the other ear?"
"Son of a bitch called back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/394pvt/a_blonde_shows_up_to_work_with_her_ears/
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What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/394muq/whats_long_hard_and_has_cum_in_it/
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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

A cease and desist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/394mpw/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/
%
A guy walks into a bar...

then sits down and orders a beer. He is talking to the bartender and looks up to the ceiling and notices a slab of beef hanging from a hook. He asks the bartender what is that? The bartender responds with if you can touch it I will pay your tab for the night but if you can't you will owe me 1000 dollars... The man contemplates hitting the meat but then sat back down and said THE STEAKS WERE TO HIGH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/394l4m/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Dolly Parton and Princess Diana are at the pearly gates of Heaven...

St Peter, standing guard, asks them to share their contributions with him. Dolly Parton lifts her shirt and shows him her boobs. Then Princess Diana takes a cup, pees in it, and hands it to St Peter. St Peter asks them to hold on for a moment and then walks away. When he returns, he lets Princess Diana in but refuses entry to Dolly Parton. Dolly Parton is shocked and asks why she can't come in. St Peter replies, "Sorry, but a royal flush beats a pair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/394l2m/dolly_parton_and_princess_diana_are_at_the_pearly/
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It only takes 3 inches to please a woman.

And it doesn't matter if it's mastercard, visa or American express.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/394jvk/it_only_takes_3_inches_to_please_a_woman/
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Why does Hellen Keller use two hands for masturbation?

One to masturbate, one to moan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/394fz4/why_does_hellen_keller_use_two_hands_for/
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What would you call it if Hitler was mad?

inFUHRERiated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/394a5l/what_would_you_call_it_if_hitler_was_mad/
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What's a divorce attorney's favorite dessert?

Wedding cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/394904/whats_a_divorce_attorneys_favorite_dessert/
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Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?

Well well well.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3944jz/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_three_holes_in_the/
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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records

Until they kicked me out of the library

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3943yl/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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A man sees a blonde girl staring intently at a ice cube in her hand

The man asks the girl why she's staring at the ice cube and she responds, "I'm trying to figure out where it's leaking from."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3941xh/a_man_sees_a_blonde_girl_staring_intently_at_a/
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Called my wife a whore

I called my wife a whore once during sex. She made me pay for that afterwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/394032/called_my_wife_a_whore/
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A priest is doing some community work downtown...

...when he is propositioned by a hooker.
"Hey Father, I'll give the best blow job of your life for $10."
Confused, the priest replies "No thank you, my dear."
Later, back at the church, he approaches one of the nuns.
"Sister, this is kind of embarrassing, but what's a blow job?"
"Oh, you know," says the nun, "$10, same as downtown."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/393we7/a_priest_is_doing_some_community_work_downtown/
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What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/393uy3/what_do_you_do_in_case_of_fallout/
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My buddy showed up to work Monday with a black eye

I asked him what happened, and he said, “Well, I was at church yesterday and there was a woman in front of me.  When we stood up, I noticed that her skirt had squeezed into her ass crack, so I pulled it out for her.  She turned around and punched me in the eye!”
The next Monday, my buddy showed up to work with the other eye blackened.  I couldn’t believe it, so I asked him what happened this time.  He said, “Well, went to church again, and sat behind the same woman again.  When we stood up, I noticed she had a wedgie again.”
“Oh no!”, I said. “You didn’t!”.  “No,” he said, “but my brother was next to me, and he saw it and he pulled it out.  Now, I know she don’t like that, so I pushed it back in!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/393u5q/my_buddy_showed_up_to_work_monday_with_a_black_eye/
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2 cats are trying to cross a river...

The first cat is named "One Two Three", and the second cat is named "Un Deux Trois". Only 1 survives, which one?
One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/393gu8/2_cats_are_trying_to_cross_a_river/
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A husband and his wife are at the grocery store...

The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in the cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
'Yeah' says the husband, 'so does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/393fgv/a_husband_and_his_wife_are_at_the_grocery_store/
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A creepy van pulls up to playground.

A sleazy, balding man exits and eyes the playground. He spots Little Billy playing in the sandbox. The man approaches Billy and says "Hey little boy I'll give you a whole bag of candy if you come inside my van"
Little Billy looked up and replied "Shit mister for a bag of candy I'll come in your mouth!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/393f5a/a_creepy_van_pulls_up_to_playground/
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4 nuns die in a car accident...

Upon reaching the pearly gates, St. Peter  says to the first nun "here is a bowl of holy water. If you have ever been impure and touched a penis, dip the body part that touched a penis in this holy water and you will be cleansed."  The first nun steps forward and dips her index finger in.  The gates open and she I allowed entry to heaven. The second nun steps up and dips her hand in the holy water, and is allowed to pass the pearly gates.  St. Peter notices the last nun trying to push past the one remaining. He says, "please wait your turn, we have all of eternity and there is no reason to rush. The last nun in line says "no way, no chance!  I'm not gargling that holy water after she puts her ass in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/393cl6/4_nuns_die_in_a_car_accident/
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Be more like Christ they said...

Be more like Christ they said, so I became Jewish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/393bc1/be_more_like_christ_they_said/
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A man goes to the hospital after his wife has been in a terrible car accident...

The doctor meets him in the waiting room, "I'm sorry to tell you that your wife has suffered a terrible injury and is paralyzed from the neck down.  From now on, you will need to feed her, clothe her, and help her go to the bathroom.  She will rely on you for every waking second.  The man, taken aback says, "Oh my god, this is terrible."  The doctor can't hold in a chuckle and replies, "Oh I'm just kidding, she's dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/393b7p/a_man_goes_to_the_hospital_after_his_wife_has/
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Horse Ride NSFW

One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, sipped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3937u6/horse_ride_nsfw/
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A boy writes a letter to Father Christmas...

It is getting close to Christmas time, and a young boy is writing his letter to Santa Claus. Coming from a poor, broken home the boy has only one wish. He writes to Santa and asks for just £50 so he can help his family.
At the Post Office, the staff are touched by the thoughtfulness and selflessness of the young boy. One kind worker decides they should make his dreams come true and organises a collection fund for him. At the end of the day, the workers manage to scrape together £45 and they send it back to the young boy with love from Father Christmas.
A week later, the Post Office receives another letter from the young boy. "Dear Santa, Thank you so so much for the £50, but I thought you should know, those robbing bastards at the Post Office stole £5."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3937ag/a_boy_writes_a_letter_to_father_christmas/
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What is Beethoven doing right now?

Decomposing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3936fk/what_is_beethoven_doing_right_now/
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confucious says man who worships the pussy....

puts his thrust in god.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/392w81/confucious_says_man_who_worships_the_pussy/
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Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

The cow has the udder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/392vz9/why_does_a_milking_stool_only_have_three_legs/
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My black friends really enjoy hearing my lame jokes.

It's almost like they've never been told dad jokes before...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/392tp8/my_black_friends_really_enjoy_hearing_my_lame/
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Why are all German cats dead?

They have nein lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/392i9p/why_are_all_german_cats_dead/
%
One morning a guy tells his wife that he is going to chop down 20 trees...

One morning a guy wakes up and tells his wife that he is going to chop down 20 trees in the woods with his ax and that he will be done by suppertime. He works and works all day long, but can only chop down two trees. He is so tired that when he comes in for supper he goes right to sleep without eating.
The next morning the guy gets up bright and early and tells his wife: "I'm goin' into town to pick me up one of those fancy chainsaws the boys are always talking about down at the bar. That axe just doesn't work so good." So the guy heads off into town and stops at the hardware store to buy a chainsaw.
He tells the hardware store owner what he wants and the owner says: "Ah, here's the chainsaw you want and it is guaranteed to cut down 20 trees in a day."
The guy gets all excited and says: "That is just what I need! I'll buy it."
So the guy takes his new chainsaw home and gets up bright and early again the next day. He works all day, but he can can only cut down one tree. He is beat red while he tells his wife: "That store owner sold me a piece of junk! I am going into town to get my money back!!"
He storms back into town the next day to return the chainsaw. He tells the hardware store owner: "This here chainsaw you sold me is defective. You told me I could cut down twenty trees and I could only cut down one!!!"
The store owner looks puzzled and says: "Oh?, let's see if it works OK." The store owner proceeds to pull the cord on the chainsaw. brum-brum-brum-brum-BBBRRRRUUMMAMAMA!!!!!!
The guy jumps back in horror: "What the hell is that noise?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/392h54/one_morning_a_guy_tells_his_wife_that_he_is_going/
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A nun is having a bath...

Suddenly there is a knock on the door. A voice says it's the blind man. The nun thinks about it, and thinks I'll open the door. As she opens the door the man looks her up and down and says " nice tits where do you want this Venetian hanging"
It was my dads joke, sorry reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/392fgp/a_nun_is_having_a_bath/
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"Can i have a cup of coffee please?"

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks Can I help you sir?". The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?". The bartender sais "That would be $2.60". "Alright, i'll have one." sais the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill. The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/392ejb/can_i_have_a_cup_of_coffee_please/
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Tired Nurse Joke

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 12-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and
Tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and
Without missing a beat, she says . . .
''Well, that's great . . . Just great . . . Some asshole's got my pen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/392a3l/tired_nurse_joke/
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My cocaine is so white

Police let it go with a warning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3921d3/my_cocaine_is_so_white/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

"Together, we can stop this shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3920ix/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other_butt/
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What do a woman and a grenade have in common?

Pull off the ring and the house is gone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391w77/what_do_a_woman_and_a_grenade_have_in_common/
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Apple Watch now comes with a new app...

It estimates how long you will have to wait in line for the Apple Watch 2.0.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391w2j/apple_watch_now_comes_with_a_new_app/
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A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
After becoming quite frusturated and embarassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The texan smiled and drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391viv/a_woman_tries_getting_on_a_bus_but_realizes_her/
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and old man with old car crashed into a brand new BMW in russia

4 big guy jump out of the BMW and say to the old man:
- That's it grandpa. You're fucked. We are going to beat you up
The old man responds:
- Well that's unfair. You are four big guis and i'm only old man.
The head of the group responds:
- Okay, grandpa, you have a point. Sasha, Ivan go help grandapa fight.
- Well that's not fair now. We are three, you are two - says old man.
- Okay grandpa go away, we will fight this out without you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391s4m/and_old_man_with_old_car_crashed_into_a_brand_new/
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Why don't many buddhists work in the railroad industry?

they have too many ohms to be good conductors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391qpz/why_dont_many_buddhists_work_in_the_railroad/
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I understand why abortion is a touchy subject (NSFW)

Because on one hand I'm all for killing babies but I really don't think women should have a choice in the matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391qcr/i_understand_why_abortion_is_a_touchy_subject_nsfw/
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An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his real estate agent to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”
“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The real estate agent was aghast "I'm ashamed of both of you, I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391nlk/an_old_man_was_on_his_death_bed_he_wanted_badly/
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Have you ever smelled moth balls? Oh, you have?

How'd you get between their tiny little legs?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391lfa/have_you_ever_smelled_moth_balls_oh_you_have/
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How many guys wearing turbans does it take to change a light bulb?

Sikhs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391laf/how_many_guys_wearing_turbans_does_it_take_to/
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Give a man a match and he's warm for a day....

Set fire to a man and he's warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391kr5/give_a_man_a_match_and_hes_warm_for_a_day/
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Did you hear about the kidnapping?

He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391kix/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping/
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My 18-month old son fell asleep on my lap today...

So I carried him upstairs, laid him down and went back downstairs to relax for another 20 minutes or so. Everyone on the bus must have thought I was an awful parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391je4/my_18month_old_son_fell_asleep_on_my_lap_today/
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How do you sabotage a space mission ?

Send Matt Damon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391hw7/how_do_you_sabotage_a_space_mission/
%
It's quite appropriate that fast food cashiers...

often open with "sorry for the weight".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391hg2/its_quite_appropriate_that_fast_food_cashiers/
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A man died in his home when a pile of books fell on him

police say he had only his shelf to blame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391fz0/a_man_died_in_his_home_when_a_pile_of_books_fell/
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One in every six people on this planet are Chinese.

Of my five brothers, I suspect Danny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39155m/one_in_every_six_people_on_this_planet_are_chinese/
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What did Caesar say after crossing the river Rubicon?

"Can someone get me some dry socks?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39144t/what_did_caesar_say_after_crossing_the_river/
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Stolen from the broken shower thread: hillbilly joke

Two hillbillies got married. On their wedding night, the hillbilly groom admitted that he was a virgin and didn't really know what to do.
The hillbilly bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39142l/stolen_from_the_broken_shower_thread_hillbilly/
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The first time I've had sex was like the first time I rode my bike

My dad was holding me from behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3913hn/the_first_time_ive_had_sex_was_like_the_first/
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What kind of shoes did Jesus wear?

Cross-trainers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3912xv/what_kind_of_shoes_did_jesus_wear/
%
My dad was a very active advocate for women's rights...

My mom wanted to be as well, but my dad wouldn't allow it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39114x/my_dad_was_a_very_active_advocate_for_womens/
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Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?

A rooster says kok-a-doodle-doo
and a prostitute says any-kok'll-do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/390xal/whats_the_difference_between_a_rooster_and_a/
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Mickey Mouse is getting a divorce from Minnie. The Judge says: "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't grant you a divorce because you say she is insane."

Mickey Says: "Judge, I didn't say she was insane, I said she's fucking Goofy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/390vad/mickey_mouse_is_getting_a_divorce_from_minnie_the/
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(NSFW) Why did Billy bring his cat to school today?

...asked Billy's father. Billy replied, crying, "because I heard you say to mommy 'I am going to eat that pussy once Billy leaves for school today!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/390s6f/nsfw_why_did_billy_bring_his_cat_to_school_today/
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The furniture store keeps calling me.

All I wanted was one night stand...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/390nw1/the_furniture_store_keeps_calling_me/
%
I booked some Star Wars impersonators for my son's birthday, but I've just had a phone call saying that their people carrier's broken down.

All I know is that they're in a Galaxy far, far away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/390nha/i_booked_some_star_wars_impersonators_for_my_sons/
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What is the difference between a yogurt and america?

If you leave the yogurt for 100 years alone, it develops a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/390lg8/what_is_the_difference_between_a_yogurt_and/
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My wife's star-sign was Cancer, so I guess you could say it was ironic how she died.

Mauled to death by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/390ecs/my_wifes_starsign_was_cancer_so_i_guess_you_could/
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How are Women and Hurricanes Similar?

They both come in hot and wet and **TAKE THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER, SARAH YOU BITCH!**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3905pr/how_are_women_and_hurricanes_similar/
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A lumberjack applies for a job...

...the interviewer asks, "so, where have you worked previously?"
The lumberjack replies, "I did a few years in the Sahara Forest."
The interviewer, taken aback, inquires, "the Sahara 'Forest?'  Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
Lumberjack says, "yeah, that's what they call it now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3902i0/a_lumberjack_applies_for_a_job/
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How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38zztm/how_does_an_apple_watch_owner_know_that_its_midday/
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Are you a Carbon sample?

Because I want to *date* you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38zso9/are_you_a_carbon_sample/
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Croc sandals are like getting a blowjob from a dude...

They feel amazing but you realize how gay you are when you look down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38zrss/croc_sandals_are_like_getting_a_blowjob_from_a/
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What sport does the kool-aid man play?

Baseball; he's a pitcher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38zqwe/what_sport_does_the_koolaid_man_play/
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer!
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer!
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38zmah/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eyes/
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How come reddit posters have no babies?

Because OP never delivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38zjvj/how_come_reddit_posters_have_no_babies/
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What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ziki/what_do_you_call_it_when_batman_skips_church/
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Why do crows never get hit by cars?

Because their buddies warn them -- caw, caw, caw!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38zh3t/why_do_crows_never_get_hit_by_cars/
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The Reddit Button has ended, I'm de-pressed

Looks like I waited too long

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38zdmz/the_reddit_button_has_ended_im_depressed/
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Why don't dentists display their awards?

Because they want to prevent plaque build-up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38zd69/why_dont_dentists_display_their_awards/
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What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38z1ev/what_do_you_call_a_bunch_of_white_guys_sitting_on/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

...it doesn't matter, he isn't going to come anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38yy0p/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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Hark, I hear the cannons roar!

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the hell was THAT?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38yx15/hark_i_hear_the_cannons_roar/
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Ay girl are you a fire truck?

Because your really loud and fucking annoying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ywd4/ay_girl_are_you_a_fire_truck/
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Why aren't cremations given out for free?

Because you have to urn them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38yv5g/why_arent_cremations_given_out_for_free/
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An Illinois farmer dies and goes to hell.

While down there the Devil notices that the farmer is not suffering like
the rest.  He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity.  So he goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy.
The farmer says, "I like it here.  The temperature is just like plowing my
fields in June."
The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer and decides to get him, so
he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%.  After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer.  He finds him standing around just as happy as can be.  The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy.
The farmer says, "This is even better. It's like pulling weeds in the
fields during July."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer.  He goes
over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity
to 100%.
"Now lets see what the farmer is up to," he says.  So he goes looking for
the farmer.  He finds him sitting on the floor even happier then before.
The Devil can't figure it out.  He asks the  farmer why he's happy now.
The farmer replies, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with
my friends in August."
The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer."  He goes over and turns
the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees.  "Let's see what the farmer
has to say about this."
The Devil looks around and finds the farmer jumping up and down for joy and
yelling, "THE CUBS HAVE FINALLY WON THE WORLD SERIES!"
(for people who don't follow baseball the Chicago Cubs haven't won the MLB's championship, the World Series, since 1908)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38yv0x/an_illinois_farmer_dies_and_goes_to_hell/
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What do you get when you cross a dylexsic, insomiac and a agnostic?

Someone who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38yobb/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dylexsic/
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A Chinese man and a Jew are talking

The Jew says "I still haven't forgiven your people for attacking Pearl Harbor."
To which the Chinese man replies, "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese you idiot!"
The Jew says "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"
Then the Chinese man says "You know, I haven't forgiven your people for sinking that Titanic."
Shocked, the Jew replies "That was an iceberg you idiot!"
To which the Chinese man says "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
---
I didn't write this joke but it's always funny when I see it. Thought I'd share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ynih/a_chinese_man_and_a_jew_are_talking/
%
Why can a T-Rex not touch his toes?

Because he's extinct

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38yn91/why_can_a_trex_not_touch_his_toes/
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ymo6/my_grandfather_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint?

McLady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38yhku/what_does_a_neckbeard_call_a_woman_he_meets_at_a/
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An old lady was arrested for shoplifting carrots.

At her court hearing the judge looked at her and said "I'm going to sentence you to one month for every carrot you stole to teach you a lesson..you stole four carrots so that's four months jail time for you."
Before he could swing his gavel down the old lady's husband raises his hand and says "Your honor, can I make a statement on behalf of my wife before you pass sentencing?"
The judge says "Yes, make it quick I have other cases to try today."
The husband looks at his wife, then the judge and says "She also stole a can of peas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ydo5/an_old_lady_was_arrested_for_shoplifting_carrots/
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A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom.

A dude is taking his girlfriend to the prom. So, he's getting everything in order before the big day.
He goes to pick up flowers, but there is a line at the flower shop. So, he waits in the flower line and eventually gets the flowers.
He goes to rent his tuxedo, but there is a line at the tuxedo store. So, he waits in the tuxedo line and eventually gets the tuxedo.
He goes to rent a limo, but there is a line at the limo rental. So, he waits in the limo line and eventually gets the limo.
They get to prom and upon sitting down, his girlfriend asks for punch. So, he goes to the punch table, and there's no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38yd7g/a_guy_is_taking_his_girlfriend_to_prom/
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Who are you and how did you get in here?

I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38yc48/who_are_you_and_how_did_you_get_in_here/
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A rich man and a beggar are standing at a bus stop

A rich man and a poor man are standing at a bus stop, as they did every morning. The rich man would always wear a finely-tailored suit, and the beggar would be dressed in whatever rags he could find. Every day, a different woman would walk buy. The rich man would say something to her, and she would smile and give the rich man her number.
Eventually, the beggar got tired of this. He asked the rich man what his trick was. The rich man said, "It's simple. All you have to do is mumble, 'Tickle your ass with a feather.' When she asks you what you said, all you have to say is, 'Typically nasty weather.' She will think you're clever!" The beggar liked this tactic and decided to use it.
Then next morning, a lady walked by the bus stop. The rich man looked at the beggar and nodded. The beggar approached the lady and said, "Shove a feather up your ass!"
"WHAT?" exclaimed the bewildered woman.
"IT'S FUCKING RAINING OUTSIDE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38yb3e/a_rich_man_and_a_beggar_are_standing_at_a_bus_stop/
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38yaj8/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
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I think i'm bisexual...

Every time I want sex I have to buy it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38y752/i_think_im_bisexual/
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A new book on how to have sex with herbs has finally been published.

It's about fucking thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38y4mx/a_new_book_on_how_to_have_sex_with_herbs_has/
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A family of Tortoise go on a picnic

A family of tortoise (Momma Tortoise, Daddy Tortoise, Uncle Tortoise, and Baby Tortoise) decide to go on a picnic. They pack up their hamper and begin their journey to the park.
A week later, they get to the park and unwrap their hamper and realize they've forgotten the salad dressing. They plead with Uncle tortoise to go back for it.
"No way, it'll take me two weeks to get there and back! You'll start the food without me and it'll be gone when I'm back!" he says.
After assuring him they won't touch the food until he returns, he goes off on his way. 2 weeks later and the Tortoise family are getting hungry but there's no sign of Uncle Tortoise.
"I'm sure he'll be here soon, we promised we wouldn't start without him" says Momma Tortoise
Another week goes by and he's still not come back. By now the Tortoise family is starving.
"We're all hungry but we promised so we'll have to wait I'm afraid" says Momma Tortoise.
Another week goes by and still no sign of Uncle Tortoise.
"I can't take this anymore, we can't starve ourselves" says Daddy Tortoise grabbing the sandwiches and passing them around.
As he takes his first bite, Uncle Tortoise pops up from behind a bush and says "I knew you were going to start without me, I'm not going!"
I wish I knew where to give credit for this joke, I know that I read it in the comments of AskReddit long, long ago. I was just cleaning up my notes in my iPhone and found it copy and pasted there. I hope it made someone laugh!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38y496/a_family_of_tortoise_go_on_a_picnic/
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Two blondes from the city

So two blondes live together in the city and have been itching for a new life. They seek a rural and country lifestyle and want to own a farm.
The first blonde pitches to the other the idea of starting a real farm, with a bull as their first animal, for which to plow the fields they're sure to own.
The second blonde enjoys the idea, but mentions she can't leave also to go in search for a bull for financial reasons, having to save up  money to be able to purchase the farm. However, she gives the first blonde $500 dollars to buy the bull, confident it will be enough money.
So the first blonde sets off for the country and happens upon a farm selling exactly what she is looking for.
She asks the nice woman how much the bull will cost and the woman says, "$499, final offer."
Ecstatic, the blonde hands over the $500 and is returned $1 exactly.
She realizes that having a bull in tow, on route home, would prove more difficult than traveling alone to the country. This was a time before cell phones and she was at a loss of what to do.
She manages to find a post office and wants to send her fellow blonde a letter. She asks how much a letter to the city would be, and the clerk says, "It's free but I charge a dollar a word, sweety."
The blonde thinks for a moment and says, "just write: Comfortable." She gives the address and the letter is sent.
and sure enough her blonde friend shows up a day later, knowing to Come For The Bull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38y2p9/two_blondes_from_the_city/
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If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38y0mf/if_you_have_a_bee_in_your_hand_what_do_you_have/
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Ving and Ling

#DISCLAIMER: This IS a repost. The original was from 4chan I think. I do not take any credit whatsoever.
Earlier this year, a Chinese family moved into my small town. The family had two twins who were both seniors in my class, Ving and Ling. Ving and his sister Ling were quiet to start off with, but eventually I made good friends with Ving. After talking to him for a few weeks he revealed to me that he absolutely abhored his name, and that he'd do almost anything to figure out how to get it changed. I asked him what he wanted to change it to, and he said
"lee, like bruce lee or some shit."
I was failing trigonometry at the time, and so I thought what the hell, and offered to help him in exchange for him doing my homework. Ling overheard us and chimed in,
"If you do that, father will disown you as our child. That name has been in our family line for generations."
Ving never really listened to his sister though, and he still wanted to go through with the plan. The next day after school, I drove him to the town hall. After we arrived, he had gotten the name-change sheet and was scribbling down information on to it when I saw his face change. I could tell he was extremely conflicted with his choice. Tears began to stream down his face. He finally decided that he was gonna have to cancel his request, and Ling looked relieved. The receptionist let us know that there would be a cancelation fee, and handed the fee waiver to her. Suddenly, a short asian man with neon shorts, ray-bans, and an american flag t-shirt bursted into the room. Ving turned in awe and stared at the man, as tears rolled down his cheeks.
"D-D-Dad?"
With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.
"Don't stop, be Lee, Ving. Hold on the that fee, Ling"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38y00t/ving_and_ling/
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A married couple are having sex...

Their child walks in on them.
When the child asks what they are doing, the parents respond with "We're making you a sibling".
The child then says, "I want a dog. Do it doggy style."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38xx6j/a_married_couple_are_having_sex/
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Suspecting a cheating wife.

Disclaimer: Not mine, but something I found online year ago.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38xvst/suspecting_a_cheating_wife/
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What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip?

Girl, we used to be so tight until we let some dick come between us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38xqy2/what_did_the_left_pussy_lip_say_to_the_right/
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What do you call a large group of prostitutes?

A whored

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38xnx5/what_do_you_call_a_large_group_of_prostitutes/
%
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses when...

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38xjxf/a_new_teacher_was_trying_to_make_use_of_her/
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I was in the car with my girlfriend, and I started hearing this annoying whining noise...

So my girlfriend got out to look at the engine and I drove off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38xi1z/i_was_in_the_car_with_my_girlfriend_and_i_started/
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Why is the divorce rate so high?

Women never marry the best man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38xgz9/why_is_the_divorce_rate_so_high/
%
A young woman was taking golf lessons...

and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, "You are back early, what's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee!" she said. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole." she replied. He nodded and said, "Your stance is far too wide."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38xeme/a_young_woman_was_taking_golf_lessons/
%
One day, a pregnant lady was walking down the street...

when out of nowhere a man came up and shot her three times in the stomach. The shooter unfortunately escaped, but the woman was taken to the hospital and luckily her and her babies turned out to be okay.
Fast forward to about 16 years later:
One day the woman was in her bedroom folding laundry when all of a sudden one of her daughters runs into the room crying profusely.
"What happened??" asked the mother.
The daughter replied, "Well I was peeing and all of a sudden I felt a lot of pressure and then a bullet came out."
The mother thought for a moment, shocked, and then replied, "Well honey, I'm almost done folding laundry so as soon as I'm done I'll take you into the doctor."
The daughter walked out as the mother continued to fold her laundry when all of a sudden her second daughter walks into the room bawling her eyes out, "Mom! Mom! Something horrible just happened! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"
Now the mother was very confused. "Well I'll take you and your sister to the emergency room in just a moment, I only have a few more shirts to fold."
The second daughter left the room as the mother continued to fold the laundry. As she gets to the last shirt her son busts into the room, laughing so hard that he is nearly in tears. The son then says, "Mom, you'll never guess what just happened to me."
The mother replies, "What, were you peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son then answered, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38xc6k/one_day_a_pregnant_lady_was_walking_down_the/
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A train conductor was conducting his train...

when he derailed it and the train suffered a terrible crash. Only those in the front of the train survived. He was put on trial for the murder of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
When asked what he'd like for his last meal, he replied simply with "A banana, if you will." The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. The conductor ate the banana in regular fashion and braced himself for death. He was seated on the chair, fastened in, and was ready for what was about to happen.
However, after the electricity was activated, nothing happened to the conductor. The prison guard was shocked and, not knowing what to do, simply let him go unscathed.
In a few days, the conductor was back to work. A few days after his return to the train business, he managed to derail yet another train, again killing nearly a hundred people but surviving the crash. As before, he was trialed and found guilty of mass murder. Again, he was sentenced to death by electric chair.
It was the same prison guard as before. He was surprised to see the conductor again but held his tongue, for the man was about to die and it would be rude to question him.
"What would you like for your last meal, sir?" The conductor respond as he did last time: "A banana, if you will." The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. The conductor ate the banana in regular fashion and braced himself for death. He was seated on the chair, fastened in, and was ready for what was about to happen.
The electricity was activated and the conductor was prepared. But, as before, the conductor was unhurt. The prison guard checked for any malfunctions but found nothing, not believing the entire situation was possible. In shock as before and not knowing what to do, the guard let the conductor go.
The conductor was, against all odds, alive and was still allowed to continue his job as a train conductor even though he was responsible for the death of almost two hundred people.
He was thankful to be allowed to continue his job but also scared. He would try not carefully from now on. However, this idea didn't help much as on the first train he was conducting after the chair, he managed to somehow crash yet another train. He was the only survivor of the train, which contained over a hundred people. He was trialed and, again, found guilty of the murder of over a hundred people. He was sentenced to death by electric chair.
The prison guard was the same, the surprise was the same, the procedure was the same. After giving the banana to the conductor, the guard was silent. He couldn't bring himself to say anything, all he could do was prepare the chair.
The man sat in the chair, expecting death. The guard activated it and, again, the conductor was unscathed. The prison guard couldn't contain himself. He simply had to ask, "Sir, how did you manage to crash a train 3 times? And how did you survive the chair 3 times? Did the banana have something to do with it?" The conductor responds with: "No, I suppose I'm just not a good conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38xapz/a_train_conductor_was_conducting_his_train/
%
I came home today to find that all of my lamps had been stolen

I was absolutely delighted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38xamf/i_came_home_today_to_find_that_all_of_my_lamps/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38x9yu/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead.

So every day, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead.
Tragic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38x7rz/bears_think_if_youre_lying_down_motionless_youre/
%
What do you call a french man who's been attacked by a bear?

Claude

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38x47o/what_do_you_call_a_french_man_whos_been_attacked/
%
Why was the Egyptian boy confused?

Because his daddy was a mummy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38wyra/why_was_the_egyptian_boy_confused/
%
Growing old is a lot like grammar

The past is perfect and the present, tense

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38wvqg/growing_old_is_a_lot_like_grammar/
%
A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.
The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.
"You were going a little fast there," the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."
The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back."
The officer paused for a moment and said "Have a nice day and drive safe."
Edit 2: Wow, made it to front page of Reddit, much thanks to all!
Edit 3: RIP inbox

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38wusu/a_guy_is_doing_90_in_a_75_and_sees_lights_from_a/
%
I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces...

...her smile really lights up the room now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38wtdp/i_like_my_girlfriends_new_glowinthedark_braces/
%
What do you call 2 people with identical penises?

Doppelwangers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38woes/what_do_you_call_2_people_with_identical_penises/
%
3 men are ship-wrecked on an island

Where they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader says he'll let them live if they go out in the forest and grab 10 of the same fruit.
They all run off, when after a while the first person comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal leader then says, "You must shove them up your ass without any facial expression, and then you will live." The man tries but he winces after the third apple and was killed on the spot.
The second person comes back with 10 cherries and is told the same thing. He starts shoving them up his ass with no difficulty, but he starts laughing hysterically after the ninth cherry and is killed on the spot.
In heaven the two people meet, where the first person ask, "Why did you laugh, you could have gotten away?" "I saw the other guy come back with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38wkwa/3_men_are_shipwrecked_on_an_island/
%
What'd they call that place with the collection of escape artist memorabilia?

now museum, now you don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38wkem/whatd_they_call_that_place_with_the_collection_of/
%
World Peace

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas.
"World peace" I said.
"Something more realistic!" she laughed
"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?"
She reached for the phone.
"Who are you calling?" I asked.
"The United Nations" she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38wgrf/world_peace/
%
Whats the difference between me and my couch

My couch pulls out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38w9zs/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_my_couch/
%
I've always wanted a job cleaning mirrors...

It's just something I can see myself doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38w85q/ive_always_wanted_a_job_cleaning_mirrors/
%
Always helpful...

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38w7y1/always_helpful/
%
My girlfriend is weird

She starts all of our conversations with "Are you even listening to me?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38w56k/my_girlfriend_is_weird/
%
Being married to a photographer is depressing...

...they're always looking at the negatives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38vzxv/being_married_to_a_photographer_is_depressing/
%
The color red walks over to the table where Blue and Purple are sitting

"Sorry," says Blue, "you can't sit with us. You aren't cool enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38vxef/the_color_red_walks_over_to_the_table_where_blue/
%
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38vwvn/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
We all know Murphy's Law, but little is known of Cole's Law

"Shredded Cabbage."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38vsak/we_all_know_murphys_law_but_little_is_known_of/
%
What did the vegan give the homeless guy?

A lecture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38vljx/what_did_the_vegan_give_the_homeless_guy/
%
What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38vkxp/what_happened_to_the_cow_that_jumped_over_the/
%
I got banned from the sperm bank the other day...

They said I couldn't come within five hundred feet of the building.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38vflr/i_got_banned_from_the_sperm_bank_the_other_day/
%
Don't you hate it when

you punch up the fuckline?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38vbsq/dont_you_hate_it_when/
%
The Police Officer and the Proctologist

One morning on the way to work, a proctologist is caught speeding down a suburban street. The police officer turns on his claxons and pulls over the proctologist on the side of the road. He gets out and approaches the vehicle.
"Do you know how fast you were going?", the officer said.
"I'm sorry. I'm going to be late to a very imortant appointment. This multi-milionaire wants me to stretch his asshole."
"So you stretch assholes. How does that work?"
"Well, it's done over the course of fifteen different sessions. First, we start off small with three quarters of an inch. Then we strech it out more and more until it gets to about six feet."
"Sweet mother of God, what does someone do with a six-foot asshole?", the officer said.
"Normally they put them on the side of the road with a radar gun and make him write tickets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38vawe/the_police_officer_and_the_proctologist/
%
What do you call a group of homosexual lions?

gay pride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38v5vq/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_homosexual_lions/
%
I knew someone that was frozen to absolute zero once.

He was 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38v575/i_knew_someone_that_was_frozen_to_absolute_zero/
%
American Pharoah wins the Triple Crown, this is a historic moment...

It's been 37 years since someone owned horse semen this valuable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38v4ct/american_pharoah_wins_the_triple_crown_this_is_a/
%
They should name American Pharoah's first offspring "Regression to the Mean"

Because, you know, statistics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38v2k9/they_should_name_american_pharoahs_first/
%
Doctor, my girlfriend grinds her teeth while sleeping.

Dr: Put some coffee beans in her mouth and set the alarm for 7:30am

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38v1dz/doctor_my_girlfriend_grinds_her_teeth_while/
%
What do you call it when a hooker farts?

A prosti-toot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38uzhw/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_hooker_farts/
%
Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but they don't have any matches or lighters. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38uuj1/three_guys_are_on_a_boat_with_four_cigarettes_but/
%
HELISOFT

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38udhe/helisoft/
%
THE AGING EXPLORER

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ubxj/the_aging_explorer/
%
My ex said my penis resembled a tic tac.

So I asked her, then why does your sister still have bad breath?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ub5k/my_ex_said_my_penis_resembled_a_tic_tac/
%
BABY DRINK

Q: How do you make a baby drink?
A: Stick it in the blender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38u9w0/baby_drink/
%
Ugly Baby

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38u9td/ugly_baby/
%
IN CIDER

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38u9gp/in_cider/
%
Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
----

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38u98f/hi_my_name_is_bill_gates_and_today_i_will_be/
%
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket. "Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.
"My point exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38u87j/if_you_win_the_lottery_the_first_thing_i_want_you/
%
A state trooper just pulled me over...

He walked up to my car and opened his ticket book.
I said, "you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Louisiana State Trooper Ball aren't you?"
He replied, "Louisiana State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence.
Then he closed his book, walked back to his car, and drove away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38u5bf/a_state_trooper_just_pulled_me_over/
%
I am starting a support group for guys dealing with Autoerotic Asphyxiation.

Our motto is: "Hang in there, we can beat it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38tzg9/i_am_starting_a_support_group_for_guys_dealing/
%
Have you heard about the midget Klan member?

He was a little racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38tu9m/have_you_heard_about_the_midget_klan_member/
%
How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ts8e/how_many_nsa_agents_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
The Queen and the Chastity Belt

One day, King Arthur had to leave the kingdom for an extended period.  He took his most trusted knight, Lancelot, aside for a moment.
"Lancelot, I fear Guinevere is not entirely faithful to me.  Therefore, I have placed a chastity belt upon her.  Now I entrust you alone with the key", and with that, placed the key in his hand.
Soon Arthur was on his way.  Before he left behind sight of the castle, however, he heard a galloping horse racing up to him.  It was Lancelot.
"King Arthur!  King Arthur!  You've given me the wrong key!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38tq22/the_queen_and_the_chastity_belt/
%
We don't talk about the Duggar family in our house anymore.

The subject is a bit too touchy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38tq20/we_dont_talk_about_the_duggar_family_in_our_house/
%
Been experiencing bad diarrhea for 2 years and finally getting some medication

I guess you can say I'm getting my shit together again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38tlf1/been_experiencing_bad_diarrhea_for_2_years_and/
%
I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about blondes

A blonde got really tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom.
As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, *"I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"*
Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe.
The husband said, *"I thought you were hanging yourself."*
She said, *"Yes, I am!"*
The husband replied, *"Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?"*
She said, *"I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38tl09/im_hanging_myself_because_im_tired_of_jokes_about/
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I have to look up the word innuendo...

If you know what I mean ;)
Courtesy of Suits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38tkrd/i_have_to_look_up_the_word_innuendo/
%
Police men knock on the door.....

Somebody knocks on door: Who is there? Police? What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38tduv/police_men_knock_on_the_door/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

Table and a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38td9x/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What happened when Moses went to Mount Olive?

Popeye got pissed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38tclg/what_happened_when_moses_went_to_mount_olive/
%
What do you call a vegetable that's only kinda cool?

Radish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ta9y/what_do_you_call_a_vegetable_thats_only_kinda_cool/
%
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?

Harry made it out of the chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38t7ke/whats_the_difference_between_harry_potter_and_the/
%
What's the difference between a gun and a feminist?

One of them doesn't throw a fit when triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38t3nq/whats_the_difference_between_a_gun_and_a_feminist/
%
I wrote an essay about American Patriotism

Then I pointed at it and started shouting ' You Essay! You Essay!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38t303/i_wrote_an_essay_about_american_patriotism/
%
What do Disney movies and coathangers have in common?

They can both bring out the child from within.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38t2h2/what_do_disney_movies_and_coathangers_have_in/
%
A man was pulled over for speeding around midnight...

Officer: "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were driving?"
Man: "I'm sorry officer, it's just that I'm running late for a lecture."
Officer: "Who the hell is giving a lecture at midnight?"
Man: "My wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38sx74/a_man_was_pulled_over_for_speeding_around_midnight/
%
Two cats are swimming across a river

One is called "One Two Three" the other is called "Un Deux Trois." Which cat survives?
"One Two Three"
because un deux trois cat sank
Disclaimer; not original, just saw it online and thought you'd all appreciate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38stdm/two_cats_are_swimming_across_a_river/
%
A man takes his son to see the fortune teller at the carnival

After looking at the crystal ball for a bit, the old gypsy woman is noticeably crestfallen.
"You poor bad-luck child. Tomorrow your pet will die, the week after that your best friend dies, and finally in a fort night your father will die."
The father and son are both shocked and the father leaves with his son in tow without saying a word. Sure enough the next day the boys pet goldfish is floating dead in its bowl, the following week the boys best friend dies in a car crash.
The whole week leading up to the fateful final day the father is praying, begging, and pleading for his life.
On the final day nothing happens, the overjoyed father runs to his wife.
"Honey it's gonna be okay. Look! I'm still alive, why are you still so sad?"
"I'm sorry honey I can't help it I just found out the milk man died today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38srf5/a_man_takes_his_son_to_see_the_fortune_teller_at/
%
Why did the guy wear sweatpants to his prom?

Strictly Ballroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38spmt/why_did_the_guy_wear_sweatpants_to_his_prom/
%
I've discovered that 1+1 can, in fact, equal 3.

Because I wasn't wearing a condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38smty/ive_discovered_that_11_can_in_fact_equal_3/
%
What's the difference between a hedgehog and a Ferrari?

The pricks are on the outside of a hedgehog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38skru/whats_the_difference_between_a_hedgehog_and_a/
%
Puns Galore. Repeat at your own peril.

What do they do with dead chemists?   Barium
Met a guy addicted to brake fluid.  He says he can stop anytime.
Met a priest who told me he found a new way to make holy water.  You just boil the hell out of it.
PMS jokes are never funny. Period.
My medical chart said I had Type A blood.  Turned out it was a type O.
Couldn't stand my fuzzy beard at first. Then it grew on me.
My wife got a severe bladder infection.  I said, urine trouble.
Was reading a book about Star Trek's anti-gravity. Couldn't put it down.
Apologies to anyone who read this far.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38silu/puns_galore_repeat_at_your_own_peril/
%
Did you hear about the Pirate suffering from scurvy?

His attempts to cure it were *fruitless*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38s7a5/did_you_hear_about_the_pirate_suffering_from/
%
What did the man say when his boss asked him to deal with some potassium?

K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38s3x0/what_did_the_man_say_when_his_boss_asked_him_to/
%
What did Obama say to Michelle when he proposed?

"I don't wanna be obama self."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ryr8/what_did_obama_say_to_michelle_when_he_proposed/
%
$125,000

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38rwem/125000/
%
Are they moving?

A man called his local animal control as he was walking through the woods-
Animal Control: Thanks for calling, how can we help you?
Man: I was walking through the woods and I found a suitcase in the bush, and inside was a Fox and 4 cubs.
Animal Control: Oh no, thats terrible. Are they moving?
Man: I don't know to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38rw25/are_they_moving/
%
How Long is a Chinese name.

It's not a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38rtoj/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/
%
Wanna hear a construction joke?

Im working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38rrff/wanna_hear_a_construction_joke/
%
Rape

Such a short word for such a long sentence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38rpf9/rape/
%
Men's Help Line

MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
Caller:  "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.  I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.  The usual signs:  If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.  She goes out with 'the girls' a lot.  I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.  When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.  It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38riwt/mens_help_line/
%
My blonde gf thinks...

My blonde gf thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38rfyr/my_blonde_gf_thinks/
%
Why did Simba's dad die in a stampede?

Because he didn't Moofassa enough!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38r8z5/why_did_simbas_dad_die_in_a_stampede/
%
What's the difference between North Korea amd South Korea?

North Koreans have no Seoul.
Thought of this very early in the morning waiting to board a plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38r3ih/whats_the_difference_between_north_korea_amd/
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These Blondes Are Dumb

when i was penetrating them, they kept asking me 'is it in yet?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38qya1/these_blondes_are_dumb/
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What does Batman put in his tea?

Just ice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38qy4f/what_does_batman_put_in_his_tea/
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A husband and wife are sitting alone on a hill...

...and the woman says "Darling, do you love me?"
The man says "Do you see all the stars in the sky?"
"Yes?"
"That's how many women I've slept with since I married you."
"But it's daytime. Only the sun is out."
"Yes. Only one: your sister."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38qm4j/a_husband_and_wife_are_sitting_alone_on_a_hill/
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What do Canadians put on their steaks?

Eh-1
(Sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38qjts/what_do_canadians_put_on_their_steaks/
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What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Only one retarded thing came out of her vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38qa7x/whats_the_difference_between_sarah_palins_mouth/
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Teacher is teaching a class

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38q8un/teacher_is_teaching_a_class/
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Q: Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?

A: Because he's married.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38q8cb/q_why_cant_ray_charles_see_his_friends/
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The Englishman and the Welshman

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Yep. "
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman: "Dogs don't talk."
Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welshman: (Look of shock)
Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?"
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
to the lake once a week to play.."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?
Welshman: "Horses don't talk."
Englishman: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often
and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheep is a liar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38q7xd/the_englishman_and_the_welshman/
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A new priest starts taking confession today

And says to Father O'Malley, who has been with the church for over 30 years, "I haven't done this yet so I'm not sure what kind of atonements to give." "Don't worry" he says "I've made you a book of all of the sins we hear and what to do." Relieved, he takes the book and steps into the booth. A boy sits down and says "forgive me father for I have sinned. It's been a week since my last confession." The priest opens the book and asks him what he did. "I stole a piece of candy." The priest looks up stealing and says "alright son. Say 5 Hail Mary's and the lord will forgive you." "Yeah, but I did something worse than that." The little boy says. "What else have you done young man?" The priest asks. "I looked at a girls boobs in a magazine." He looks in the book and says "say 5 Our Fathers and the lord will forgive you." "Okay, but I did something even worse than that." The little boy mutters "I had anal sex, again." The priest sits there flabbergasted and shocked but snaps out of it and starts looking through the book for sodomy. Not finding it he softly asks the boy "I'm sorry my son but I'm new. You said again so you've obviously talked to Father O'Malley before. What does he give you for anal sex?" The boy perks up and says "normally ice cream!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38q6x5/a_new_priest_starts_taking_confession_today/
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Walks Into A Bar...

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"
Source: http://jokes.cc.com/funny-walks-into-a-bar/6twsm2/walks-into-a-bar----three-tests
Edit 1: Adding source

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38q3sf/walks_into_a_bar/
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Two whales walk into a bar.

The first one says to the second one "WOOOOOOWWWWWWWOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE WWONNNKKKKKWOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOO"
The second whale says "For F**ks sake Frank, what the hell is wrong with you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38q0sg/two_whales_walk_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear about the constipated Mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38pvur/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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I met a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray...

He's  a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38pu69/i_met_a_soldier_who_survived_mustard_gas_and/
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What do you get when you divide the circumference of a Jack o' Lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38psqb/what_do_you_get_when_you_divide_the_circumference/
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A Blonde With Paint

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38pnko/a_blonde_with_paint/
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A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.

He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, except a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38pn63/a_teacher_was_wrapping_up_class_and_started/
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So I lost my watch at a party....

So I lost my watch at a party, and I saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harrasing a girl. I walked up to the dude, and punched him right in the face. No one does that to a girl.
Not on my watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38pmse/so_i_lost_my_watch_at_a_party/
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Poor Caitlyn Jenner.

She missed Mothers Day & Fathers Day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38pmlj/poor_caitlyn_jenner/
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What did Obama say to Michelle when he proposed?

I don't wanna be Obama self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38pi0l/what_did_obama_say_to_michelle_when_he_proposed/
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What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I don't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38pfzp/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
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You can't run through a campground, you can only ran

Because it's past tents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38peb2/you_cant_run_through_a_campground_you_can_only_ran/
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A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some asshole's got my pen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38pd9f/a_nurse_walks_into_a_bank/
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An old man with bad memory...

(Edit- spelling)
An old man with bad memory is with his friends, and they're talking about their memory issues.
"My wife and I have been going to this great memory clinic," says the man, "they teach us all sorts of mnemonic devices and other ways to help us remember things."
"That's amazing!" says his friend, "what's the name of the place?"
Taking a moment, the man sits, thinking, and then asks, "okay, what's the name of that flower, its beautiful and red and romantic, but has some thorns?"
"Oh! A rose?"
"That's it!! Hey Rose, what's the name of our memory clinic?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38p7mg/an_old_man_with_bad_memory/
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When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson

were guest preachers at a nearby
black Houston Church, I decided to check them out in person and see what it
was all about.
I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don’t know why, maybe it was
because I was the only white person in the Church.
He laid his hands on my hand and said: “By the will of Jesus the Lord All
Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today. ”
I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: “By the Grace of God, and his Son
Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today. ”
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my frickin car had
been stolen…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38p2oi/when_i_heard_al_sharpton_and_jesse_jackson/
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A man was walking on the beach

and comes across this women with no arms and no legs crying. Feeling sorry for her, he approaches her and asks "What's wrong?"
She says " I have no arms and no legs and I've never been hugged before"
Feeling sorry the man gives her a hug and goes on his way when he still hears her crying so he turns around. "Why are you still crying?
"I have no arms and no legs and I never been kissed on the lips before"
Again feeling sorry for her he kisses her on the lips and goes on his way where he hears her still crying. "Why are you still crying...I hugged you and kissed you?"
"I have no arms and no legs and I've never been fucked before"
The man picks her up and throws her into the ocean and says "You're Fucked Now!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38p2bo/a_man_was_walking_on_the_beach/
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Four Polish men die in a car accident

Two in the actual crash and two more in the reenactment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ozec/four_polish_men_die_in_a_car_accident/
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There's a new 12 step program for people who can't stop talking.

On-and-on-anon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38oxst/theres_a_new_12_step_program_for_people_who_cant/
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There's only one rule in heaven

Three friends, Ted, Ned, and Fred, get killed in a car crash. They arrive all three together at the pearly gates and are excited that they will be let in, but St. Peter warns them, "There is only one rule in heaven, you must NOT step on the ducks, or you will suffer for eternity." The three friends shrug it off, "How hard could it be to not step on a duck!?"
St Peter let them in and they were surprised to see that heaven was full of ducks, "What the hell?" Ted said, "Why are all these ducks up here?"
"I don't know," says Ned, "But I'd hate to see what happens if we step on one."
The friends continued on their way, meeting new people, hanging out with the angels, when all of a sudden, Ted wasn't watching his step, and accidentally stepped on a duck. God appeared before him, "You have broken the only rule in heaven, now you must suffer for eternity." To the friend's horror, God chained him to the most unattractive woman they had ever seen, buck teeth, scars, half bald, the whole nine yards.
Soon after, the friends went their separate ways and explored heaven alone. Ned was enjoying the beautiful scenery one day when he saw Fred from across the way, chained to the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. He made a beeline toward his friend and asked him, "Man, what did you do to get such a gorgeous woman chained to you!?"
Fred stood smiling as the woman replied, "I don't know what he did, but I stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ov29/theres_only_one_rule_in_heaven/
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Why do lesbians like Sports Authority so much?

Because they hate Dick's!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38oqc9/why_do_lesbians_like_sports_authority_so_much/
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Do you ever put an orange in your beer?

Once in a Blue Moon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38oofj/do_you_ever_put_an_orange_in_your_beer/
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"They said 'You'll never amount to anything, you aren't handsome enough to be a star, you're too short, you can't sing, you're not funny enough'"

"So anyway here's your medium Latte that'll be 3.79"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38om1q/they_said_youll_never_amount_to_anything_you/
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Knock Knock?

Who's there?
Eat map.
Eat map who?
NO THANKS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ohy3/knock_knock/
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Grandma in Court!

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied: "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said:
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ogse/grandma_in_court/
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Why is a giraffes neck so long?

Because its head it so far away from its body

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38odyx/why_is_a_giraffes_neck_so_long/
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4-year-old's joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Peanut butter (context in comments)

We told my four-year-old a joke: What is a duck's favorite snack?  Quackers!  HA!
He asked, "Quackers?" *confused* "Like, peanut butter and crackers?"  "Sure, like peanut butter and crackers."
*runs into other room, calling his grandfather* "Pop Pop!  What is a duck's favorite snack?"  "Peanut butter"  *falls over laughing at his own joke*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ocln/4yearolds_joke_what_is_a_ducks_favorite_snack/
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Two pilots with white canes proceed to enter their plane's cockpit...

Two pilots with white canes are on their way to their passenger plane's cockpit. They tap here and there with the stick and enter the cockpit. One of the passengers , a business man , notices and exclaims , " Hey , are those two pilots blind?!" . This arises panic between the passengers. Soon afterwards , the pilot announces " The plane is ready to take off , please fasten your seatbelts." About 2 minutes later , the plane accelerates and prepares to take off. The passengers shout " This plane is gonna drown , after the runway ends , there's nothing but a vast sea ahead!" . Just moments before the runway ends , the passengers shout in unison , but they notice that the plane is actually airborne and managed to succeed in taking off. Meanwhile , in the cockpit , the first pilot says to the other , " One of these days , they aren't gonna shout and we're all gonna die.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ocku/two_pilots_with_white_canes_proceed_to_enter/
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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.
The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.
"Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole.
"SNAP!", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! "Anything that enters the hole will be sliced off, sire", said the magistrate.
Thoroughly impressed, the King instructed the Queen to wear it for the entire year and left for his expedition. Upon his return, the King called for a meeting of all his country folk.
They were all instructed to drop their pants, and the King made his rounds noticing that many were missing fingers as well as their most vital part. Then, he saw the quiet knight Sir Xavier, fingers and all still intact.
"Xavier, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But alas, Sir Xavier was speechless.
**EDIT:** obligiTory edit, thAnks for the front paGe, guys! I aPpreciate it. It's so cRazy hOw I could make the front page. thanks again!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38o979/the_queen_and_the_metal_panties/
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A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."
So she agrees.
Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?
She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38o8ke/a_boss_said_to_his_secretary_i_want_to_have_sex/
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Mr friend broke her hand today :(

But on the other hand she's okay :)!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38o80o/mr_friend_broke_her_hand_today/
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Why couldn't the birthday clown make balloon animals for the children?

With the rising cost of inflation he couldn't afford it anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38o0bo/why_couldnt_the_birthday_clown_make_balloon/
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What is the longest sentence in the English language?

"I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38nxc1/what_is_the_longest_sentence_in_the_english/
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Tarzan walk into his wife making dolma..

He then shouts: How many times I told you not to touch my underwear?!?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38nv4t/tarzan_walk_into_his_wife_making_dolma/
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This old man was reminiscing about the good old days...

“When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I’d come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.
You can’t do that now.
Too many fuckin’ security cameras.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38nscy/this_old_man_was_reminiscing_about_the_good_old/
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I went to the pharmacy this morning and asked for 50 condoms.

The girl winked at me and said, "Oh, someone has a busy weekend ahead of them!"
"I know," I said. "I'm making a raincoat for my pet snake."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38nlja/i_went_to_the_pharmacy_this_morning_and_asked_for/
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A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her.

One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers.
The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid" , said the woman.
The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"
The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."
The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk,
and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38nl8t/a_woman_suspects_her_husband_is_cheating_on_her/
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A Woman sends her husband - a software developer - out for groceries.

She says to him: "We don't need a lot. Please get us a loaf of bread; and if they have free-range eggs please bring six."
The husband returns with nothing but six loaves of bread: "They had free-range eggs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38nj36/a_woman_sends_her_husband_a_software_developer/
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Yesterday I got into an accident with a prius...

Yesterday I was on the highway and rear ended a prius.
We both pulled over and a dwarf gets out of the prius.
He walks up to my car and says "Hey mister, I'm not happy!"
I say "then which one are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38nip8/yesterday_i_got_into_an_accident_with_a_prius/
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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.  Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.  Boy: "Dark in here."  Man: "Yes it is."  Boy: "I have a baseball."  Man: "That's nice."  Boy: "Want to buy it?"  Man: "No, thanks."  Boy: "My dad's outside."  Man: "OK, how much?"  Boy: "£250."  In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here."  Man: "Yes, it is."  Boy: "I have a baseball glove."  Man: "That's nice."  Boy: "Want to buy it?"  Man: "No, thanks."  Boy: "I'll tell."  Man: "How much?"  Boy: "£750."  Man: "Fine."  A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"  The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."  The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"  The son says, "£1,000."  The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."  They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."  The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38nh2e/a_housewife_takes_a_lover_during_the_day_while/
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God couldn't decide where to go for a holiday

The angels suggested the the planet Venus.
"Too hot," said god.
Then they suggested Pluto?
"Too cold," said god.
What about planet Earth they wondered.
"Hell no," said god. I was down there about 2,000 years ago. Slept with some woman named Mary - and they're still talking about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38n9p4/god_couldnt_decide_where_to_go_for_a_holiday/
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Did you hear about the cyclopic tutor?

He had only one eye, but two pupils!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38n2ib/did_you_hear_about_the_cyclopic_tutor/
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Why did the console gamer get a headache at the art museum?

Too many frames.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38n074/why_did_the_console_gamer_get_a_headache_at_the/
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If you've seen one shopping center...

you've seen the mall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38mzyv/if_youve_seen_one_shopping_center/
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I like my slaves like I like my coffee

Free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38mzyl/i_like_my_slaves_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal.

Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38mzks/i_bought_a_russian_porno_magazine_the_other_day/
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My 8-Year old patient was so pround, mom was not.

Q: What type of bees make milk?
A: BOO-Bees!
And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38mvu6/my_8year_old_patient_was_so_pround_mom_was_not/
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How did the guy with a foot fetish ruin his date with an amputee?

He got off on the wrong foot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38mh2v/how_did_the_guy_with_a_foot_fetish_ruin_his_date/
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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus

. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus that can play any instrument in the world. Everyone laughs, so he says he'll bet $50. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, so the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus plays it better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the man says, "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I get its pajamas off."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38mei0/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus/
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Eight year old tells funniest joke

My eight year old cousin told me this one:
Why was Beethoven mad at his chicken?
Because he kept saying Bach Bach Bach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38mdup/eight_year_old_tells_funniest_joke/
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What's worse than having ants in your pants?

Uncles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38m9pf/whats_worse_than_having_ants_in_your_pants/
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What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38m4c6/what_do_you_do_with_an_elephant_with_three_balls/
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Two men want to get drunk...

But only have 10 dollars on them. The first guy turns to his friend and says, "I have an idea! Let's go to the deli and buy a salami." The friend is confused but goes along with the plan. They head to the deli, buy the salami and finally head to the bar. They start drinking beer after beer and before they can pay their tab the first guy places the salami between his legs and says, "Here, suck on the salami and they'll kick us out before we even pay!" The friend complies and sure enough the two guys are kicked out the bar. They laugh and celebrate, the plan was a success! So they continue this routine to one bar, then another, and another. Each time they were required to pay the tab the first friend took out the salami and the second bobbed his head on it. Immediately getting them removed from the bars premises. After the last bar hopping the second friend became hungry and said, "Aw man, all these beers have me starving. Where is that salami I want to eat?" The first friend says, "I don't know man, I lost it after the first bar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38m3yx/two_men_want_to_get_drunk/
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Insomnia sufferers, look on the bright side.

only three more sleeps until christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38lz05/insomnia_sufferers_look_on_the_bright_side/
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A man walks into a fishmonger with a fish under his arm...

And asks "do you do fishcakes?" The fishmonger replies that they do.
"Good" says the man, pointing to the fish under his arm, "it's his birthday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ly9t/a_man_walks_into_a_fishmonger_with_a_fish_under/
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A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."

The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ltx4/a_redhead_tells_her_blonde_stepsister_i_slept/
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A city bus driver is doing his route.

After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out.  Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts at them, "I'm TIRED of this. I'm an old man and I can't bear to listen to this arguing anymore. From now on, there's no black, there's no white, got it? We're all the same color. We're all green. Now everyone sit down, dark green in back, light green in front."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ltap/a_city_bus_driver_is_doing_his_route/
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A horse walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?" The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask "Is this some kind of a joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38lr5n/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats

Prophets are through the roof

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ld07/i_opened_a_company_selling_land_mines_that_look/
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The police knocked on my door and told me my dog was chasing some fella on a bike.

I said fuck off my dog ain't even got a bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38lbq9/the_police_knocked_on_my_door_and_told_me_my_dog/
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My mom yelled at me when I said I have never used a condom.

Then I told her it was because I'm a virgin at 24 years old.
So, my dad yelled at me instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38l9fr/my_mom_yelled_at_me_when_i_said_i_have_never_used/
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Why was Hitler kicked off the track team?

He could never finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38l8on/why_was_hitler_kicked_off_the_track_team/
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What's the one thing Spider-man can't eat?

Uncle bens rice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38l01w/whats_the_one_thing_spiderman_cant_eat/
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A College Blonde

A blonde girl came home from college one day and told her mother that a boy had paid her a dollar to climb up a ladder and get his ball from off the roof.
"You silly girl," her mother said, "he just wanted you to climb the ladder so he could look up your skirt and see your undies."
The next day the same little girl came home from college and told her mother that the same boy gave her a dollar again to climb a ladder and get his ball off the roof. Just before her mother could admonish her for being silly, the little girl said, "No mum, this time I tricked him. I wasn't wearing any undies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ky3x/a_college_blonde/
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A shy guy walks into a bar...

... and sees a a beautiful girl. After an hour, he goes to try talking to her:
-Excuse me, can we talk for some minutes?
Afterwards, the girl screams:
-NO! I Don't wanna sleep with you!
Now everyone in the bar looks weird to them. Obviously, the guy, ashamed, goes back to his table and asks for a beer. Several minutes later, the girl comes to him, smiles and tell him:
-Sorry if i made you feel bad. I'm studying psychology and checking how people reacts in awkward situations.
After that, the guy screams:
-WHAT? $200?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38kuc7/a_shy_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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DISEASE

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."
Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38kpwo/disease/
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I'll tell you what I know about midgets and dwarves.

Very little

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38khxf/ill_tell_you_what_i_know_about_midgets_and_dwarves/
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A piece of string walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve no scrawny pieces of string in here."
The piece of string leaves, goes around back, ties himself up, ruffles his hair and re-enters the bar.
The bartender says, "Say aren't you that sorry piece of string that I told to beat it?"
The string replies, "frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38kezw/a_piece_of_string_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ke0d/whats_the_hardest_part_of_a_vegetable_to_eat/
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Why didn't the movie ticket get convicted of both of its crimes?

It would only admit one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38katf/why_didnt_the_movie_ticket_get_convicted_of_both/
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My self esteem is so low....

The other night my hand told me that it had a headache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38jurm/my_self_esteem_is_so_low/
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Went to a restaurant last night and the waitress had a black eye. I ordered slow and made sure to speak clearly.

Because she obviously doesn't listen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38jr77/went_to_a_restaurant_last_night_and_the_waitress/
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The CIA test

(My uncle told me this joke a long time ago so forgive me for messing it up if I do)
There were 3 men who were in training for the CIA, he was at the final stage of his training to become an agent.
They give the first man a gun and send him into a room. In the room he sees his wife tied to a chair. They tell him to shoot her to prove his loyalty. The man stays in the room for 5 minutes and comes out crying saying he can't do it.
The  next man is sent in, He goes in for a minute and comes out saying he can't kill his wife.
The last man goes in. A gunshot is heard. The man is in there for another 5 minutes. He comes out. Covered in sweat. He looks at the agent in charge and says "The gun was full of blanks so I had to strangle that bitch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38jmh7/the_cia_test/
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Three Guys With Heavy Brooklyn Accents Get Invited To A Costume Party.

The theme for this party is "Dress Like an Emotion." The first guy is wearing a pear costume. The second guy is wearing a dress. And the third guy is butt-naked except for a custard pie around his pecker.
They ring the doorbell. The host opens the door, sizes them up, and says "You guys aren't in theme, so I can't let you in."
The first guy argues, "What are you talkin' about? I'm in despair!"
The host shrugs and lets him in.
The second guy argues, "What are you talkin' about? I'm in distress!"
The host shrugs again and lets him in, too. But, he stops the third guy, who's butt-naked except for the custard pie around his pecker and says, "There's no way you're in theme, so don't even try."
The third guy retorts, "What are you talkin' about? I'm fucking disgusted!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38jlac/three_guys_with_heavy_brooklyn_accents_get/
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If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...

They'd find me attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38jhmk/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_woman_that_found_me/
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Baseball Date

A young lady from a very conservative family is finally allowed to go on her first date.  The young man picks her up and they go to a baseball game.
The game was a little boring, so to avoid any awkwardness, the guy gets an idea.  He says to his date, "I have a little game we can play, if you're up to it."  The girl replies, "Sure!  What is it?"  The guy says, "How about every time the pitcher throws a strike, I give you a kiss?"  The girl says, "Hmm...that sounds like fun!"  "And," the guy continues, "every time the pitcher throws a ball, you give me a kiss."  She smiled with approval.
So they played their little game for the remainder of the innings, and were both thrilled with how the date went, as they were very attracted to one-another.
Then came time for the guy to drop his date off at her house.  She walked in and standing there was her concerned dad, who asked, "So...how did the date go?"
"Oh, it was great!!  He kissed me on the strikes, and I kissed him on the balls!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38jb9v/baseball_date/
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Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks

Obviously, how's a vending machine going to kill a shark?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38j9ck/vending_machines_kill_more_people_every_year_than/
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NATURAL BLONDE

Q: What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?
A: Artifical intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38j584/natural_blonde/
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What do you call it when President Obama

and Joe Biden talk shop over a nice dinner?
A government man-date.
Boom. I'll be here all night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38izdy/what_do_you_call_it_when_president_obama/
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Two Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38iyuq/two_nuns/
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Son of a bitch fish

On the last day of his vacation, the priest landed a monster; he struggled for long minutes wrestling the fish into the boat, and when he did, his guide exclaimed, “Wow, that’s the biggest son-of-a-bitch I’ve ever seen come out of this lake!”
“Son, it’s true it’s a fine fish, but you needn’t swear.”
“Oh, sorry, padre, but that’s what it’s called – it’s called a ‘son-of-a-bitch fish.’”
“Oh,” replied the priest, “Is it good to eat?”
“Oh, father, it may be the most delicious fish on the planet!”
So the priest finished his vacation with a fine catch, packed it in ice, and drove back to the Church. When he arrived, Sister Mary came running to the car, exclaiming, “Father, father, welcome back! I hope you enjoyed your vacation, and I have fantastic news! The Pope is going to visit our Church tomorrow!”
“That’s wonderful,” said the priest, “we can serve this son-of-a-bitch that I caught.”
Blushing, Sister Mary said, “Oh, Father, such language!”
“No, no,” explained the priest, “That’s just what the fish is called – it’s a ‘son-of-a-bitch fish,’ and it’s reputed to be the most delicious fish there is.”
“Oh,” said Sister Mary; “in that case, I’ll clean the fish for Brother Isaac to cook,” and she took the fish into the kitchen.
Brother Isaac came into the kitchen and asked Mary what she was doing.
“I’m cleaning this son-of-a-bitch that the Father caught; we’re going to serve it for the Pope’s dinner tomorrow.”
“Oh Mary, if you don’t want to clean the fish, I’ll clean it.”
Laughing, Mary explained, “No, I’m not upset – that’s just the name of the fish – it’s a ‘son-of-a-bitch fish.’”
“Oh,” said Brother Isaac, “I see. Is it any good?”
And Mary said, “The son-of-a-bitch is supposed to be the most delicious fish in the world.”
“Hmmmm,” said Brother Isaac. “I know, I’ll prepare some special side dishes to go with the son-of-a-bitch.”
The evening of the Pope’s visit arrived, and the fish was served for dinner, and everyone enjoyed it.
“My goodness,” said the Pope, “that was the most delicious fish I’ve ever tasted!”
Grinning a huge grin, the Priest boasted, “I caught the son-of-a-bitch!”
Smiling with eyes aglow, Sister Mary said, “I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch!”
And beaming with pride, Brother Isaac said, “And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch!”
Smiling shyly, the Pope looked at each of them in turn and said, “You fuckers are all right!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ix87/son_of_a_bitch_fish/
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A woman walks into a bar

and asks the bartender for a double entendre.
So he gives it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ix0w/a_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
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I made a deposit at the sperm bank last night.

She really hates it when I call her that though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38inje/i_made_a_deposit_at_the_sperm_bank_last_night/
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Can your dick touch your ass?

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
The little boy answered no.
Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa,
can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied,
"Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38in6k/can_your_dick_touch_your_ass/
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My friend is blind and ignorant to the pain so many people suffer of having burning shits after eating spicy food.

What an insensitive asshole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38in6c/my_friend_is_blind_and_ignorant_to_the_pain_so/
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How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ila9/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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I tried to make a few jokes about french people

they were all really rude so I didn't bother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ikk7/i_tried_to_make_a_few_jokes_about_french_people/
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Relativity theory

In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ijnk/relativity_theory/
%
One day a devout, Christian man was walking through the forest...

...when he spotted a lion lurking towards him ready to pounce. So, he got on his knees and began to pray to God, "Please, Lord. Let this lion be a Christian lion, so that he will not eat me." The lion then got on his knees and prayed, "Thank you, God for providing me this dinner...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ijkm/one_day_a_devout_christian_man_was_walking/
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How is marriage and CPR training the same?

You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38iha9/how_is_marriage_and_cpr_training_the_same/
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A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard," says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38igzv/a_blond_guy_gets_home_early_from_work_and_hears/
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A man and wife are in bed, when...

...when the man slides his hand slowly across her shoulders, across her waist, under her neck, under her back, & suddenly stops...
Wife: " ( In a romantic voice) Why did u stop?"
Man: "(Whispering) I found the remote. You can go back to sleep"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38igmw/a_man_and_wife_are_in_bed_when/
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Meanwhile, in a different part of the Jingle....

...a lizard is walking along when he smells marijuana smoke. Having a good sense of smell, and not a stranger to the occasional toke, he follows it to the source and comes to the base of a truly mighty tree. High up in the branches is a monkey smoking a joint.
"Hey monkey" he yells.
The monkey looks around for a while before finally he sees the lizard. The monkey's eyes are extremely red - this is the stonedest animal the lizard has ever seen. "Hey man" says the monkey.
"Can I get a hit?" asks the lizard.
"Sure" says the monkey, and our lizard friend climbs up the tree. The monkey offers him the spliff - it's king size, rolled out of a banana leaf. The lizard takes a long toke and it's really good. Nice thick smoke, with a slight taste of mango.
The two animals sit in a comfortable silence and smoke the joint to the butt. The lizard has rarely been this high before - either through weed or in terms of elevation. The sun is starting to go down, the canopy of the trees are lit with the brilliant reddish-gold of the sun, flocks of toucans are flying past, everything is at peace with the world.
He's in a great place, an hour passes and he starts to realise his mouth is extremely dry. He tries to ignore it for as long as possible, but he just can't forget about it. "Hey man", he says to the monkey, "I've got the dries real bad. I've got to get a drink of water".
The monkey says "there's a river only a few minutes away. It's over there" pointing off to the south. "I'm about to roll another one, but I'll wait for you if you like".
"Thanks. I'll be back soon" says the lizard and starts climbing down the tree. The change from horizontal to vertical is a bit disorientating, not to mention he's high as a kite and hearing sounds like it's the first time he's ever heard them. He carefully makes his way down the tree, hesitates for a minute while he tries to remember which way the monkey had pointed, feels confident he remembers and ambles off through the bushes.
A few minutes later to his relief he he hears the sound of a slow moving river, and comes to a clearing where the sunlight is twinkling off the surface of a slow moving but wide river. The meandering water makes a soothing sound, the lizard is so incredibly calm that he doesn't notice that he log half submerged near the bank isn't a log at all.
The lizard ambles forward, and starts to take his much desired drink when the log quickly whips around - it's an enormous crocodile! Being in his calm and altered state, and totally not expecting this,  the lizard struggles to process what is happening and just stands there, still drinking and looking at the croc with a quizzical look on his face.
The croc is a bit stunned - normally animals try to get the hell away from his jaws of death as quickly as possible, but the lizard is just standing there, giving him a look of disbelief with his extremely red eyes. It takes a second, but the croc gets it.
"You are high, aren't you?" he asks with a smile.
"..yeah.." giggles the lizard, feeling a bit self concious.
"You got any weed?" asks the dangerous croc.
"Nah" says the lizard, "but I know where you can get some" as the reality of the situation starts becoming apparent - he's inches away from the most deadly animal in the jungle, and he might be able to get away with his life. "I tell you what, if you promise not to eat me, I'll tell you how to find the guy with the stash".
"Deal" says the croc.
The lizard says "go that way for abut 5 minutes, look for the biggest tree you can find. In it is a monkey with the dankest pot you've ever seen".
"Thanks" says the croc, and dragging his massive bulk onto the shore starts walking in the direction the lizard is pointing. Thanking his lucky stars, the lizard figures he's had enough adventure for the day, and heads off home and out of the story.
The croc walks for a few minutes, and he sees the monkey. a joint and cloud of smoke coming from the branches of a tree.
"Hey monkey" he yells.
"Sorry man, but you were taking too long, so I......" starts the monkey before looking down and seeing the enormous reptile at the base of the tree. His eyes pop out of his head in surprise.
"Holy shit" he exclaims. "How much did you drink?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ifdu/meanwhile_in_a_different_part_of_the_jingle/
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I came up with a hilarious joke about fermat

But the margin was too small to contain it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38i65w/i_came_up_with_a_hilarious_joke_about_fermat/
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Toilet seats can give you STD's...

...If you sit down before the person stands up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38i47i/toilet_seats_can_give_you_stds/
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Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Both! Now get in the fucking van.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38i2bx/is_that_a_gun_in_your_pocket_or_are_you_happy_to/
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What do you call a dating service for lumberjacks?

Timbr

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38hzu5/what_do_you_call_a_dating_service_for_lumberjacks/
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Marriage is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38hz1w/marriage_is_like_a_fart/
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It's hard to explain a pun to a kleptomaniac

because they always take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38hwos/its_hard_to_explain_a_pun_to_a_kleptomaniac/
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No More Girls' Night Out

Two wives go out for a girls' night out. Both got drunk, started walking home, and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One wife used her panties and the other wife grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning, one husband called the other and said, "No more girls' night out! My wife came home with no panties!"
The other husband replied, "You think that's bad? Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'From all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38hsmn/no_more_girls_night_out/
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My dog is called cigarette as he's got no legs

Every evening I take him for a drag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38hsfs/my_dog_is_called_cigarette_as_hes_got_no_legs/
%
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38hmmo/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
%
To the guy with the friend who dates Asians....

Maybe he just needs some time to re-orient himself?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38hmjl/to_the_guy_with_the_friend_who_dates_asians/
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Student and Teacher Convo

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38hks9/student_and_teacher_convo/
%
What smells better than it taste?

A nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38himc/what_smells_better_than_it_taste/
%
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?

A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38hhoq/whats_the_difference_between_a_bird_and_a_fly/
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How do you call a dog with no legs ?

You don't call it, you pick it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38hb07/how_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed.

But none of them works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38h5f1/i_have_a_lot_of_jokes_about_the_unemployed/
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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38h3a5/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
%
Corny jokes!

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
A: Because it's two-tired.
Q: What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises?
A: It becomes daytrogen.
Q: Where did Noah keep his bees?
A: In the Ark Hives!
Q: Can February March?
A: No, but April May.
Q: What is it called when you kill a friend?
A: Homiecide
"Fish tanks are stupid!"
"Why?"
"Fish don't even have any militaries!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38h1kh/corny_jokes/
%
I told a joke to my Chemistry teacher.

He replied "Oh man, I slapped my neon that one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38h13c/i_told_a_joke_to_my_chemistry_teacher/
%
TIFU by listening to adults when I was a kid.

They kept saying "Don't get any bright ideas."  Sure enough, I never did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38gykp/tifu_by_listening_to_adults_when_i_was_a_kid/
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My poor knowledge of Mexican food has always been my chilaquiles heel.

You didn't even have to click through to get the punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38grhb/my_poor_knowledge_of_mexican_food_has_always_been/
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A toothless termite walks into a bar...

and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38gpq3/a_toothless_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
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A gay couple decides to have some fun and play hide and seek...

Jim: if you find me, I'll give you a blowjob!
Mike: and if I don't find you?
Jim: I'll be behind the couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38gghv/a_gay_couple_decides_to_have_some_fun_and_play/
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The best birth control

Put a rock in your shoe, it'll make ya limp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38gf3n/the_best_birth_control/
%
Did you hear about the chemist who died of lead poisoning?

He tried to make himself a Pb&J sandwich

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ge0r/did_you_hear_about_the_chemist_who_died_of_lead/
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How do you say brassiere in German?

Keepemfromfloppin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38gc69/how_do_you_say_brassiere_in_german/
%
I pissed off my buddy Juan today

And it was to the point to where he was going to kick my ass unless I did something embarrassing or gross. His suggestion was to drink milk straight from the cow he had out back. It was then I realized I had to choose between Juan or the udder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38gall/i_pissed_off_my_buddy_juan_today/
%
Is it bad to hate a certain race?

Because I despise the 100 meter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38g7i1/is_it_bad_to_hate_a_certain_race/
%
They say breaking a mirror is the worst because you get 7 years bad luck

OH PLEASE!!! Try breaking a condom!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38g571/they_say_breaking_a_mirror_is_the_worst_because/
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I used to love The Village People

until they came at me with torches.
-Gay Frankenstein

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38fotb/i_used_to_love_the_village_people/
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I'm sure my girlfriend's frigid

Every time she opens her legs a light comes on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38fn6j/im_sure_my_girlfriends_frigid/
%
That one about the three helium atoms is pretty funny.

HeHeHe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38fl6z/that_one_about_the_three_helium_atoms_is_pretty/
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Why is it impossible to run through a campground?

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38fkx5/why_is_it_impossible_to_run_through_a_campground/
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I think my girlfriend has a trigonometry fetish

because every time I talk to her she gets off on a tangent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38fjhs/i_think_my_girlfriend_has_a_trigonometry_fetish/
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Math tells us three of the saddnest love stories

1)Tangent lines who had one chance to meet and then parted forever.
2)Parallel lines who were never meant to meet.
3)Asymptotes who can get closer and closer but will never be together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38fhsz/math_tells_us_three_of_the_saddnest_love_stories/
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What happens when the fog clears in California?

UCLA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ff9d/what_happens_when_the_fog_clears_in_california/
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What's the difference between Oo and oO?

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court  Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do, son?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. I drew two circles like this: o O.  Then I pointed to the little circle and said, "This is your asshole BEFORE  prison...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38f9qh/whats_the_difference_between_oo_and_oo/
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BIRDMAN

Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "We need the eggs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38f8kc/birdman/
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Why can't iron oxide get a date?

Porque es FeO
Little bilingual chemistry joke for you guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38f78e/why_cant_iron_oxide_get_a_date/
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Just been sent to jail for the first time and spent the first half hour getting ass raped.

My Uncle Frank takes Monopoly far too seriously

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38f64u/just_been_sent_to_jail_for_the_first_time_and/
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When is paint free?

When it's on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38f5wp/when_is_paint_free/
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THAT DAMN HAM

A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.
The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham.
The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.
That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?"
His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo.
At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham."
The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38f49n/that_damn_ham/
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There are many people who are very self-aware...

You know who you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38f41o/there_are_many_people_who_are_very_selfaware/
%
The Roman Achilles.

As you know, there is a lot of crossover between Roman and Greek paganism and mythology. Jupiter in Rome was Zeus in Greece, for example. However, what you might not know is that the Heroes of Greece were also adopted into Roman culture. Odysseus was called Ulysses, Aeneas is a charecter in both the Illiad, a greek poem, and the Aeneid, a roman "sequel" so to speak.
Quite little known however, is the Roman equivalent of Achillies, Bophadee. The stories are similar. His mother dipped him in the river of the underworld to ensure his immortality, save for the one spot from which she held him. He became a great warrior, fighting in some of the most crucial battles, rising through the ranks of command.
And just like Achilles, Bophadee had a weakness. A weakness that, ultimately, led to his death. What was this weakness, that like Achillies' heel, slew the mighty warrior?
Bophadee's Nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38f3y5/the_roman_achilles/
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Three Army Lieutenants have to cross a river for infantry training.

The first one prays to God and says "Lord give me the strength to cross this river." There is a flash of light and he is granted stronger arms to swim.
The second one says "Lord give me the endurance to cross this river." Another flash of light and he is granted strong lungs to help him swim.
The third one says "Lord, remove this obstacle from my path." There is a flash of light and the young lieutenant turns into a woman. Crossing a Water Obstacle is no longer part of her test and she is applauded by the media for being so strong and independent. She has a loyal group of male followers who dote on her every day and she lives happily ever after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ety1/three_army_lieutenants_have_to_cross_a_river_for/
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a blonde and a redhead are in a bar

When they see a man on the news threatening to jump off of a building. The redhead says "bet you 50 bucks he jumps" to which the blonde replies "you're on!". Sure enough, the man jumps and kills himself. The blonde goes to grab the $50 from her purse but the redhead stops her and says " I can't take your money. This is a repeat of an earlier story. I've seen this already." The blonde grabs the $50, puts it on the bar and says "so did I. I just didn't think he'd do it twice!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38etej/a_blonde_and_a_redhead_are_in_a_bar/
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So a gorilla walks into a bar.

So a gorilla walks into a bar and sits down.  The bartender is quite surprised, but decides to just go with it anyway.
The Gorilla asks, "Can I have a beer?"
The bartender is quite startled that the gorilla can talk, but despite that he responds, "Sure, that'll be $8."
The gorilla hands the bartender the money, and the bartender says to the gorilla, "You know, we don't get very many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies, "For $8 a drink, I don't imagine you do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38epg8/so_a_gorilla_walks_into_a_bar/
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What's Your Poison?

There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.'
'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss is outraged and fires me.
When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.'
'I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ekrb/whats_your_poison/
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My grandfather's broken watch is just as relevant today as it was in the 50s

It's a timeless piece, really.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ekh4/my_grandfathers_broken_watch_is_just_as_relevant/
%
My friend that only dates Asian girls just started dating his ex-girlfriend again

And I don't know if I should tell him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ek7r/my_friend_that_only_dates_asian_girls_just/
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Where can you find alcoholic sheep?

At the BAAAAH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38egkp/where_can_you_find_alcoholic_sheep/
%
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38efii/my_wifes_star_sign_was_cancer_and_its_quite/
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She said to take off her shirt...

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." So I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes," she said, so I did. "Now my bra and panties." I took them off and she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38dj08/she_said_to_take_off_her_shirt/
%
Texas Midget

The  testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his
problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the  examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.... Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38deq3/texas_midget/
%
Scientists have recently discovered the existence of a mentally unstable microscopic parasite on the moon...

Apparently it's a real lunatic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38da7w/scientists_have_recently_discovered_the_existence/
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Freudian Slip

Two guys were talking when one said "Man, I was at the train station the other day and had a Freudian slip. It was so embarrassing. I wanted a ticket to Pittsburgh, but the woman had such big, nice breasts, I asked for a ticket to Titsburgh!"
The other guy replied, "That's nothing. This morning I was eating breakfast with my wife and instead of asking her to pass the orange juice, i said, 'Bitch, you ruined my life and I hate you!!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38d9s2/freudian_slip/
%
Jack is a big part of all of us. He's the best friend we've never had.

We spend most of our time doing Jack shit, drinking Jack and Jacking off.
Thanks for the memories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38d8vu/jack_is_a_big_part_of_all_of_us_hes_the_best/
%
Sergeant Jones was doing a drill one morning...

...when a letter was given to him. Sergeant stood up and shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS STAND UP!.....YOUR MOTHER HAS DIED!" Private Williams immediately wept and overcome by emotions, soon fainted. Sergeant Smith told Sergeant Jones, "You should have broken the news to him nicer....he wouldn't have been so upset."
Two months had passed, Sergeant Jones was running another drill and he received another letter which stated that Private Williams' father had died, and then he thought for a minute and then shouted, "EVERYONE WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE, TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD" and so they did, and then Sergeant Jones shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS... WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38d5v5/sergeant_jones_was_doing_a_drill_one_morning/
%
How do you pleasure a capitalist?

An invisible handjob.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38d2m7/how_do_you_pleasure_a_capitalist/
%
The Best Post Trick

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bobby, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bobby is (he had a huge penis). He can't help himself, and asks Bobby what his secret is.
"Well," says Bobby, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bobby? Is that you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38d2ep/the_best_post_trick/
%
technology

My Grandpa said "Your generation relies to much on technology." I said "No, your generation relies to much on technology." Then I unplugged his life support.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38d284/technology/
%
After hearing Kim and Kanye are having a kid via in vitro fertilization...

Of course Kanye picked the option where he could have sex with himself and still have a kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38cxte/after_hearing_kim_and_kanye_are_having_a_kid_via/
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I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38cvzp/ive_just_discovered_the_quickest_way_to_call_a/
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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love

.  All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window.  As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.  The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"  The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."  The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.  The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.  After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."  So the doctor went deeper and deeper.  After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement.  She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"  The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38cu6l/one_day_a_young_man_and_woman_were_in_their/
%
If you slap a christian girl on the ass...

Would she turn the other cheek?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38cu5q/if_you_slap_a_christian_girl_on_the_ass/
%
A woman gets on a bus with her baby...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38csuh/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby/
%
Haven't worn a bra in 4 days....

I love being a man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38cq2s/havent_worn_a_bra_in_4_days/
%
A knock knock joke from Westeros

Knock knock
Who's there?
Hodor.
Hodor who?
...Hodor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38cpy5/a_knock_knock_joke_from_westeros/
%
Not part of the retirement plans.

A man takes early retirement and leaves the big
city for a crofter’s cottage in the Scottish
Highlands. After a month of isolation he hears a
knock on his door. He answers it and sees an
enormous Scottish farmer standing outside. ‘I
hear you’re new around here,’ says the farmer,
‘Yes, I am,’ replies the man. ‘I thought I’d
introduce myself and ask you to a party I’m
having,’ says the farmer. ‘That’s very nice. I’d love
to come,’ says the man. ‘I’d better warn you
there’ll be lots o’drinking,’ says the farmer. ‘I don’t
mind, I like a drink,’ replies the man. ‘And nee
doubt they’ll be a few fights breaking out,’ says
the farmer. ‘That’s okay, I can take care of myself,’
replies the man. ‘And things get a bit frisky in the
wee hours,’ says the farmer. ‘There’ll be lots of
sex.’ ‘That’s fine by me,’ says the man. ‘I haven’t
had any female company for a long time.’ ‘Och,
there’ll be no lassies,’ says the farmer. ‘It’s just the
two of us.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ckbg/not_part_of_the_retirement_plans/
%
New job.

A nigerian man got a job at US, on his first day he shows up late for work. His boss yells, "You
should have been here at 8.30!" The man replies,
"Why? What happened at 8.30?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ciu7/new_job/
%
You say the punch line first.

Whats the best way to ruin a joke?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38cib9/you_say_the_punch_line_first/
%
What do you get when you cross an orchard with a concentration camp?

apple juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ci9c/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_orchard_with_a/
%
What's the difference between boy scouts and Jews?

Boy scouts come back from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38c9pd/whats_the_difference_between_boy_scouts_and_jews/
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What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38c0vz/whats_the_difference_between_three_dicks_and_a/
%
Of course women are funny.

Why else would there be so many jokes about them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38brd8/of_course_women_are_funny/
%
I just flew in from New York and boy are my arms tired

from all the masturbating I did in the airplane lavatory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38bpuk/i_just_flew_in_from_new_york_and_boy_are_my_arms/
%
Told my wife that joining the Mile High Club is on my bucket list.

She said she didn't give a flying fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38bpr0/told_my_wife_that_joining_the_mile_high_club_is/
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Your mom's the best lay in town

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, *Your mom's the best lay in town.*
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, *I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!*
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, *Your mom even let me...* Finally the guy interrupts: *Go home, Dad - you're drunk!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38bm63/your_moms_the_best_lay_in_town/
%
Adam and Eve

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38bkbk/adam_and_eve/
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A man named Bob and a man named John

are best friends, except John is always coming home with a hot new girl every day even though John is ugly as hell. This continues for a couple months before Bob asks John "How come you always come home with a new girl and every time I ask a girl they just turn around and pretend they didn't see me." Then John says "Its simple, I just go to the store and buy the biggest potato and a speedo. Then I put the potato in my speedo and walk down the beach and by the time I'm at the end of the beach I can pick which ever girl I want to fuck tonight." Bob says "That's genius how come I never thought of that.". So the next day bob goes to the store and buys a giant potato and a speedo and does everything that John had told him to do but when he started to walk down the beach everyone started running as fast as they could in the opposite direction. Bob couldn't figure out why they where running away so he went home and said to John "Why did you lie, I did everything you told me to do and everyone started running AWAY from me." John looked at Bobs crotch and started laughing and said "No, no, no, you have to put the potato in the front side"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38bj2h/a_man_named_bob_and_a_man_named_john/
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So a realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an Open House

A guy says "Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?"
The realtor says "Brochure"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38bfy4/so_a_realtor_is_passing_out_information_for_a/
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My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.

We think that's what killed her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38b8re/my_grandmother_died_a_few_weeks_ago_we_had_her/
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What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?

Get off me homes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38b3wx/what_did_the_mexican_say_when_two_houses_fell_on/
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English is the new language of the European Union.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38b2lc/english_is_the_new_language_of_the_european_union/
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How do you make an Asian Blind?

you put a windshield in front of them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38aztm/how_do_you_make_an_asian_blind/
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The Fat Dad

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ay6z/the_fat_dad/
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"What's a man cave?"

Mt wife saw a beer sign in a garage we passed and said it must be a man cave. 5-year-old daughter asked, "What's a man cave?" Wife explained and daughter asked, "What about a girl cave?" I immediately responded, "It's called a kitchen, dear." Wife proceeded to beat the ever-loving shit outta my arm. Totally worth it for the story.
*this redditor does NOT condone mysogynism, but jokes is jokes, folks*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38awvd/whats_a_man_cave/
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A man was walking down the street when he heard a distant voice say, "Climb the ladder to success."

The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reached the top of the building, where he found a fully naked man. "Hi, I'm Sess."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38awfa/a_man_was_walking_down_the_street_when_he_heard_a/
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I recently got sick at the airport,

my doctor says it's a terminal illness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38auej/i_recently_got_sick_at_the_airport/
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Little Johnny

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38atm0/little_johnny/
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What do you get if you cross a dick with a potato?

A dictator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38atcr/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_a_dick_with_a_potato/
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The new father.

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38an5u/the_new_father/
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What does being in the mafia and eating pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38akj8/what_does_being_in_the_mafia_and_eating_pussy/
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A man, his dog, and a sheep

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had *** for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38ail3/a_man_his_dog_and_a_sheep/
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Why did FIFA have surgery?

They had to remove their Blatter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38aexh/why_did_fifa_have_surgery/
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Obsolete Technologies

A man is sitting in a recliner watching television when he asks his wife to pass the newspaper.
She starts barking at him,"Why don't you learn how to use this iPad? You're never going to get better at technology if you don't start using it for some of the simple things."
Considering his lovely angel's request, the man shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, why not."
A second later... SMASH!!!
That fuckin' spider never even saw it coming.
props to /u/mongreloid , with minor editing from myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38aema/obsolete_technologies/
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Some people are like clouds..

..Once they fuck off it's a nice day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38a0zb/some_people_are_like_clouds/
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Time Machine

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/389whb/time_machine/
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My last girlfriend couldn't wrestle worth a damn...

...but you oughta see her box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/389pl9/my_last_girlfriend_couldnt_wrestle_worth_a_damn/
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Smoking is a scientific wonder!

It kills people, but cures salmon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/389i0z/smoking_is_a_scientific_wonder/
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Why are test tube babies always so small?

There's no womb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/389his/why_are_test_tube_babies_always_so_small/
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Hitman

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie Insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day the newspaper headline declared... (you're going to hate me for this...)
"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for$1.00 @ WALMART!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3899dc/hitman/
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What do you call it when someone eats too much wheat?

Glutteny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3894vw/what_do_you_call_it_when_someone_eats_too_much/
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AT THE DOOR

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3893j5/at_the_door/
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Have you ever nicknamed somebody Penny..

because they didn't make a lot of sense?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/388v5p/have_you_ever_nicknamed_somebody_penny/
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Two old Jewish men,

Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant
in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of
our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor, I ask the cooks." He returns
from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the cook
say no Mexican Jews."
Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I
check once again, Senor."
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that
there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no
Mexican Jews."
Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican
Jews."
The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE... All we have
is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/388s8h/two_old_jewish_men/
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Have you been to /r/brucejennerspenis?

I heard it was removed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/388pc4/have_you_been_to_rbrucejennerspenis/
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I'm Handsome

If sex with three people is a threesome, and sex with two people is a twosome, it's no wonder people call me handsome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/388oiz/im_handsome/
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A mathematician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The punchline has been left as an exercise for the reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/388fzq/a_mathematician_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a/
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I once farted in an elevator . . .

it was wrong on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/388f8k/i_once_farted_in_an_elevator/
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Dating is a lot like fishing

Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/388e12/dating_is_a_lot_like_fishing/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/388bhk/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What's Irish and sits on your lawn?

paddy o' furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/388bh5/whats_irish_and_sits_on_your_lawn/
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Coma

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
"When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
"You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/388888/coma/
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There are Three Types of People I Hate

Racists, Blacks, and Hypocrites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3886wg/there_are_three_types_of_people_i_hate/
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Did you hear about the man who bought a dolphin?

He didn't want to live life without a porpoise!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3884vk/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_bought_a_dolphin/
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Hey did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change color?

It had a reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3883f2/hey_did_you_hear_about_the_chameleon_that_couldnt/
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Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus.

I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38813q/today_i_saw_a_sign_for_a_suicide_helpline_on_the/
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I think I have a genetic predisposition to diarrhea...

It runs in my jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3880ni/i_think_i_have_a_genetic_predisposition_to/
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A man found out he won the lottery while at work...

The first thing he did after getting home was yell out to his wife "Honey, pack your things I just won the lottery!".
After hearing this she excitedly runs into the room yelling "That's great! Where are we going to go?".
The husband turns around looks her square in the eye and says, "Doesn't matter to me cupcake just pack your shit and get the hell out!".
Please be kind everyone this is my first submission to this sub-reddit, and one of my first ever submissions to anywhere on Reddit at all. I hope I did all of you proud! :-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/387wk9/a_man_found_out_he_won_the_lottery_while_at_work/
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People who mispronounce Grand Prix...

...are just grand pricks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/387tow/people_who_mispronounce_grand_prix/
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You know, if I had a dollar for every time someone over fifty told me my generation sucks...

Then I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/387r7w/you_know_if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone/
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What gets wetter the more you dry?

A woman on a tumble dryer!
(Bet you thought I was gonna say 'a towel', didn't you, silly redditors?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/387quq/what_gets_wetter_the_more_you_dry/
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Why was the blonde wearing condoms on her ears?

Because she didn't want to get hearing-AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/387p8v/why_was_the_blonde_wearing_condoms_on_her_ears/
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A guy wakes up after a one night stand and looks at the woman in his bed...

He then asks her "How old are you?"
"How dare you ask me that! A woman is as old as she looks."
"That's a lie, people don't live that long."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/387mfo/a_guy_wakes_up_after_a_one_night_stand_and_looks/
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My Name Is Carmen

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen.” "
That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?”
"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen”.
"What's your name?" she asked.
He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/387lgr/my_name_is_carmen/
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Catholic confesses having anal sex...

"Father forgive me, for I have sinned"
"What have you done my child?"
"I have had anal sex with a woman..."
"With whom?"
"I fear to speak her name, for I know not if she has confessed herself"
"Do not worry my child, all the women in this village go to confession, was it Mary?"
"No"
"Elizabeth?"
"No father"
"Jane?"
"Yes father, thank you"
The priest prescribed the usual penance and the young man left the church.
Outside two of his friends were waiting.
"Well?"
"We're inviting Mary, Elizabeth, and Jane."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/387lbn/catholic_confesses_having_anal_sex/
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Redneck is shaving in front of a mirror naked.

His 4 year old daughter runs into the bathroom.  She says "What are you doing?"
The redneck replies "Shaving"
The little girl staring at the naked man for awhile points at the mans penis and says "Whats that?"
The redneck pauses, looks down and says "Thats my dick."
The girl looks down her pants, looks back up and asks "When do I get one?"
The redneck replies, "As soon as I am done shaving"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/387ccn/redneck_is_shaving_in_front_of_a_mirror_naked/
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I once went on a date with a playwright

It was all going well, until she started making a scene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/387bhn/i_once_went_on_a_date_with_a_playwright/
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My wife asked my why i carry a gun in the house.

I looked at her and said "Decepticons". She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster. It was a good time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3879h2/my_wife_asked_my_why_i_carry_a_gun_in_the_house/
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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are in an office building elevator.

The brunette looks over at one of the walls and notices a stain about waist high. "Ew," she says, "What is that stain?" The redhead walks over to the stain and pokes it a little, then sniffs her finger. "Oh my god I think it's someone's cum." All three women get to giggling and talking about whose it could be, so to settle the topic the blonde walks over, kneels down and licks the cum stain, just a little bit. "Well whoever he is," says the blonde, "he doesn't work in this office."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3877rz/a_brunette_a_redhead_and_a_blonde_are_in_an/
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Latest news from the FIFA corruption scandal:

Shock announcement from FIFA's Ethics Committee:
"FIFA has an Ethics Committee"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3873qn/latest_news_from_the_fifa_corruption_scandal/
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Once a professor asked his students to use 'love' and 'sex' in a sentence.

.
.
GIRLS wrote: When mutual understanding between a boy and a girl increases so much that they cant live without each other, implies they are in "love" and when this love reaches an extreme such that both are physically attracted to each other, they engage in a physical pleasurable encounter that we call "sex" !
.
.
BOYS wrote:
I love sex!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38703d/once_a_professor_asked_his_students_to_use_love/
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My wife has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh ...

... and if you hold your ear against it, you can smell the sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/386vno/my_wife_has_a_tattoo_of_a_seashell_on_her_inner/
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I spot a beautiful woman in a night club,

I approach her and ask if she will have sex with me for a million dollars.  She smiles and says "sure thing handsome" I return the smile and ask if she would have sex with me for a hundred dollars.  She looks offended and says "what kind of woman do you think I am?"  I say "we have already established that, I’m just negotiating the price".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/386px2/i_spot_a_beautiful_woman_in_a_night_club/
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My girlfriend got gang raped by a group of mimes...

They did unspeakable things to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/386muh/my_girlfriend_got_gang_raped_by_a_group_of_mimes/
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/386ltb/police_arrested_two_kids_yesterday_one_was/
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On a bench, in the park, two lovers

are kissing passionately. At some point another man sits down next to them and starts staring at the woman.
Eventually, her partner gets fed up by the staring and tells the other man:
- I haven't seen such insolence in my whole life!
- I'm sorry, I did not mean to disturb you, but I need to ask my wife to give me keys to the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/386k74/on_a_bench_in_the_park_two_lovers/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face
Ah I suck, already on reddit...failed first post
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2w9vbq/what_is_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/386eg5/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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A guy goes to the doctor's...

He tells the doctor he is constipated. The doctor prescribes him some suppositories and tells him to come back in two days. Two days pass. The guy goes back to the doctor and the doctor asked him how everything worked out. He says "doc, with all the good they've done me I might as well have shoved them up my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/386bax/a_guy_goes_to_the_doctors/
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Why is Jesus never able to finish more than half of a crossword puzzle?

He always gets stuck on across.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3868pq/why_is_jesus_never_able_to_finish_more_than_half/
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I meant to take Tylenol PM, but I accidentally took Tylenol PMS

I just think it's funny how you guys only care about me when you want upvotes.
Whatever. I'm fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38662j/i_meant_to_take_tylenol_pm_but_i_accidentally/
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I had a roommate, but he was ran over by a bus...

Now I have a flatmate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38646b/i_had_a_roommate_but_he_was_ran_over_by_a_bus/
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My friend David's ID was stolen the other day

Now we just call him Dav

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3862gg/my_friend_davids_id_was_stolen_the_other_day/
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My girlfriend said that if this gets 1000 upvotes....

...who am I kidding? Me? A girlfriend?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3860s0/my_girlfriend_said_that_if_this_gets_1000_upvotes/
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Why is Microsoft going straight to Windows 10?

Because 7.. 8.. 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/385zv9/why_is_microsoft_going_straight_to_windows_10/
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Did you know Kurt Cobain had dandruff?

They found his Head & Shoulders behind the couch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/385w22/did_you_know_kurt_cobain_had_dandruff/
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The other day I saw a guy with sin/cos on his arm...

... He had a really nice tan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/385v5i/the_other_day_i_saw_a_guy_with_sincos_on_his_arm/
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Being a stripper is like working at McDonald's....

Covered in oil and questioning your choices after high school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/385upn/being_a_stripper_is_like_working_at_mcdonalds/
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How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/385t5n/how_many_politicians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.
Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.
She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."
I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"
She replied "Of course!"
"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/385rh3/so_i_was_at_the_bar_the_other_day/
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Are the Nazis who fought in WWII veteran-Aryans?

And can I bring my dog to them for a checkup?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/385o8c/are_the_nazis_who_fought_in_wwii_veteranaryans/
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12 inch man playing the piano

A man walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch man playing piano on the bar top.
He asks the bartender, "Hey man. What is with the little piano player?"
The bartender pulled out a lamp from behind the bar, and shares that he found a Genie who grants wishes.
The man rubs the lamp, and out pops the Genie to grant him one wish.
The man says, "I want a million bucks."
The Genie says, "As you wish." Snaps his fingers, and into the bar walks a million ducks.
The man looks at the bartender, and says,"Your Genie is a little hard of hearing, huh?"
The bartender looks at the man, and tells him, "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/385lqb/12_inch_man_playing_the_piano/
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I.. I.. Just... :(

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/385gfs/i_i_just/
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In high school they called me donkey dick. I got that name because...

it was short for Donald Keith Richards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/385b4s/in_high_school_they_called_me_donkey_dick_i_got/
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Every time Mila Kunis comes on my TV

I do too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3857w6/every_time_mila_kunis_comes_on_my_tv/
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If Kanye West and Justin Beiber were drowning, and you only save one of them...

What kind of a sandwich would you make?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3856kn/if_kanye_west_and_justin_beiber_were_drowning_and/
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I heard some guy tell two horrible Malaysian Airline jokes

The first one got no response, and the second one was shot down in flames.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3854xc/i_heard_some_guy_tell_two_horrible_malaysian/
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If my girlfriend has six oranges in one hand and seven apples in the other, what has she got?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3854nz/if_my_girlfriend_has_six_oranges_in_one_hand_and/
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"BE CAREFUL! I HAVE OSTEOPOROSIS!"

She snapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3852oh/be_careful_i_have_osteoporosis/
%
Man goes into a bar...

A very thirsty man goes into a bar.
As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."
So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/384wge/man_goes_into_a_bar/
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People are always mistaken thinking there is only 1 letter in the pirate dictionary, in actual fact there is 10

Eye eye, argh and the 7 seas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/384u48/people_are_always_mistaken_thinking_there_is_only/
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Lady of the night

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells
him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to
ask you a few questions."He gets her name, address,
social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's
your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "
Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have
to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/384o1m/lady_of_the_night/
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What's Pamela Andersons favorite soda?

Hepsi!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/384l9n/whats_pamela_andersons_favorite_soda/
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If a man's signature is called a "John Hancock" what do you call a woman's?

Historically insignificant.
Full disclosure: Heard on the radio this morning on my way to work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/384ja5/if_a_mans_signature_is_called_a_john_hancock_what/
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What is the average Math teacher like?

Mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/384gjd/what_is_the_average_math_teacher_like/
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My inappropriate uncle told me this one when I was 11: Where do cousins come from?

ant holes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/384fp7/my_inappropriate_uncle_told_me_this_one_when_i/
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my girlfriends said if this gets 1000 up votes

My girlfriend said if this gets 1000 votes we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/384b2y/my_girlfriends_said_if_this_gets_1000_up_votes/
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One year later after Pavlov's dog death...

Pavlov still brings him food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3847q3/one_year_later_after_pavlovs_dog_death/
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A man with three deer in his trunk gets pulled over.

The officer gets out of his patrol car and walks up to the the man's truck. He sees the three deer and is suspicious of poaching.
"Sir, you have three deer in the trunk of your vehicle. Can you please step out for a moment."
The man gets out of his vehicle and follows the officer to the trunk. The officer has him open it. The officer sticks his finger in the first deer's butt, and sniffs.
"You've got a Texas deer, do you have tags for a Texas Deer?"
"I do, Officer" And he shows him the tags
The officer puts his finger in the second deer's butt, and sniffs.
"You've got a New Mexico deer, do you have New Mexico tags?"
"I do, Officer". The man shows him the tags, he's getting annoye now.
The officer sticks his finger in the butt of the last deer. And sniffs.
"You've got a Nevada deer, do you have tags for a Nevada deer?"
"Yes" The man shows the tags to the officer. He is pissed now.
"So you have three deer, from three states, where are you from?"
The man turns his back to the officer, bends at the waist and says:
"I don't know officer, you tell me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/384311/a_man_with_three_deer_in_his_trunk_gets_pulled/
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My grandfathers favorite joke... (bad language)

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," replied his father.
"The bull just fucked the brown cow."
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."
The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."
"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3840r0/my_grandfathers_favorite_joke_bad_language/
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How can you tell if a woman is bi-polar?

She works at two different strip clubs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/383xbu/how_can_you_tell_if_a_woman_is_bipolar/
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My Tylenol bottle says "DO NOT TAKE IF SEAL NOT PRESENT."

Does anyone know how to contact him?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/383vkh/my_tylenol_bottle_says_do_not_take_if_seal_not/
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A touching love story...

WIFE:
What would you do if i die?
Will you marry again?
Husband:
No...how can I think of marrying?
Wife-
Why not?
You would need company...for good and bad moments....please get married
Husband:
...oh baby..you are so sweet....even after death u r worrying about me...
Wife: so promise me, u will remarry if I die...
Husband:
Ok, ok, i'd get married again...just for you
Wife:
Would you live in our house with your
new Wife...?
Husband:Yes, but will never let her use your room.
Wife:Would you let her drive my car ?
Husband: no...
its yours...I will keep it as your memory...and buy new one..
Wife:Would you give her my jewelry?
Husband:
No..how can I...
it has your memories attached
I am sure she would want her own..
Wife: Would she wear my shoes..?
Husband: No, never
her size is '7', and yours is 9
Wife:
--silence-
Husband:
'oh fuck'...
then none of them lived happily ever after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/383tsn/a_touching_love_story/
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You can be the most beautiful woman on the planet but if you can't cook

don't worry I can

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/383s27/you_can_be_the_most_beautiful_woman_on_the_planet/
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Why can't mexicans pass the border in groups of three?

Because there's a sign that says No Tres-passing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/383qk1/why_cant_mexicans_pass_the_border_in_groups_of/
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What's the difference between a lima bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a lima bean on my chest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/383jmv/whats_the_difference_between_a_lima_bean_and_a/
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26 groaners

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/383jck/26_groaners/
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A guy walks into a petshop

The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede. OK, thought the man, I'll give
it a go, so he bought one and took it home.
That night he decided to test out his new pet, so he opened the box and said, "I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?"
But there was no reply.
He tried again, "Oi, millipede, wanna come to the boozer with me?"
Again, no response.
So the man ranted and raved for a bit, but after a while decided to give it one more try before he took the thing back to the shop.
So he took the lid off the box and repeated, "I said I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come?"
"I heard you the first time" snapped the millipede, "I'm just putting my shoes on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/383el0/a_guy_walks_into_a_petshop/
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I think I have a medicine fetish.

I get a boner when i take Viagra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/383bor/i_think_i_have_a_medicine_fetish/
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Dubya meets Moses

George W Bush was sitting at an airport when he saw a strange man walking by.
He had long white hair, a long white beard, wore robes, and rocked sandals that clicked against the floor along with his staff.
Dubya got up and stood in front of him. "Hey, aren't you Moses?"
Moses pretended he couldn't see him.
Dubya asked again, but again Moses was looking away intently.
Finally Dubya grabbed the man's arm and said, "Why are you so unfriendly??"
To that Moses finally responded, "Last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years in the desert."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/383bjh/dubya_meets_moses/
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How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?

Attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/383b11/how_did_the_redneck_find_his_sister_in_the_woods/
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I'm not sure how I feel about Pro Choice.

I mean, I am all for dead babies, but I don't like giving women choices...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3839im/im_not_sure_how_i_feel_about_pro_choice/
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Scared of eating genetically modified fruit?

Grow a pear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3838yr/scared_of_eating_genetically_modified_fruit/
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The Cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3837ce/the_cabbie/
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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason...

and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine.
On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.
The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gives him two options: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be face up or face down.
So the mathematician says "Well, they all arrive at the equivalent state of beheading, so it's an arbitrary choice. I suppose I'll take no hood and face down, since it's the simplest solution."
So they lock him into the guillotine, the executioner drops the blade... and it stops inches from his neck.
The priest exclaims "It's a sign from God! This man is innocent! He must be let free!"
The King agrees, pardons the mathematician, and lets him go.
Next up to be killed is the physicist. He is given the same options: hood on or off; face up or face down.
So the physicist thinks, and says "Well, I've spent my whole life looking up at the stars and studying them... but it's broad daylight. I will take the hood to make it dark like night, and face up towards the Heavens."
So they lock him into the guillotine, the executioner drops the blade... and it stops inches from his neck.
The priest exclaims again "It's a sign from God! This man is innocent! He must be let free!"
The King agrees, pardons the physicist, and lets him go.
Finally, it's the engineer's turn to face the guillotine. He's given the same options: hood on or off; face up or down.
The engineer ponders, and says "I've spent my whole life studying machines and mechanical devices. If I am to be killed by the most efficient killing machine of all time, then I will look at its workings while I die! Hood off and face up!"
So they lock him into the guillotine, and the executioner is about to drop the blade, when the engineer exclaims: "I see the problem!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3835ij/a_mathematician_a_physicist_and_an_engineer_are/
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Alcoholics don't run in my family

They stumble around and break things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3834vw/alcoholics_dont_run_in_my_family/
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Some people don't like fracking

But the alternative is boring!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3834jz/some_people_dont_like_fracking/
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have you heard about the pessimist and the optimist at Christmas?

It's Christmas time, a father had no time to buy each of his son's a Christmas gift... So he decides to think of the quickest thing possible since it was Christmas eve. The next morning the pessimist wanders down the stairs with a blank expression while moaning, the optimist walks down the stairs with a smile and jumping with joy. The pessimist opens his gift first... He unwrapped a bucket of horseshit... The pessimist turns to his father and says what the fuck is this? While the optimist opens his present. The Optimist smiling and jumping with joy turns to his father and says... So daddy where is my pony!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3832tk/have_you_heard_about_the_pessimist_and_the/
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How do the Chinese decide on their next porn star?

They hold an erection...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3831cl/how_do_the_chinese_decide_on_their_next_porn_star/
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Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/383096/why_is_it_so_hard_to_break_up_with_a_japanese_girl/
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What did the first stop light say to the second stop light?

Don't look I'm changing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/382y58/what_did_the_first_stop_light_say_to_the_second/
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How do you buy hair?

You have toupee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/382wbt/how_do_you_buy_hair/
%
Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we shot the last one who had a dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/382tsa/why_do_black_people_only_have_nightmares/
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What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle??

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/382ksq/whats_the_difference_between_a_nicely_dressed_man/
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Why does Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/382jlr/why_does_helen_keller_only_masturbate_with_one/
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China won bronze in gymnastics at the Sydney 2000 Olympics but were stripped of the medal after it was revealed that Dong Fangxiao was under the minimum age of 16

And they would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those medalling kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/382bna/china_won_bronze_in_gymnastics_at_the_sydney_2000/
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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? (Say it out)

An elephino!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/382a5d/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_elephant_and_a/
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The other hey Billy joke! [NSFW - maybe]

Hey Billy, the other day I was going down on my girlfriend, at one point I said jeez you got a big pussy, jeez you got a big pussy.
she got up and asked me why I said it twice... Well I didn't.
- Edit: credit to the "the predator 1987"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/382814/the_other_hey_billy_joke_nsfw_maybe/
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Whats the only fruit that can't run away to get married??

A Cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3826oa/whats_the_only_fruit_that_cant_run_away_to_get/
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A woman went to a pet shop..

..and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then said..
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3825e3/a_woman_went_to_a_pet_shop/
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

Rustle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3823me/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_arms_and_no_legs/
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Why did the feminist accuse her teacher of misogyny?

Because he'd D graded her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3821rw/why_did_the_feminist_accuse_her_teacher_of/
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A drunk walks up to a guy...

A drunk walks up to a guy. says to him, " I am God."
The guy says," Go away, you are drunk."
"I can prove it to you, if you want" said the drunk.
"O really! Then prove it."
The drunk went up to a door and knocked on it thrice, three times. The door opened, and a woman came out,
"Oh God, not you again. Go away!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/381ugv/a_drunk_walks_up_to_a_guy/
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How do you piss off a female archaeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/381t5o/how_do_you_piss_off_a_female_archaeologist/
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A man and his frog.

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and pulls a frog out of his pocket. The man sets the frog on the counter and orders a beer for himself. A few minutes later a woman walks up to the bar and sits down beside the man. She orders a mixed drink and a beer. As she is drinking she notices the frog sitting on the counter with the man. She asks the man, "Hey, what's with the frog?" The man looks over and replies, "Don't worry with him. That frog is a pervert." The man continues to drink his beer and the frog is now staring at the woman. The lady drinks another drink or two and now has to the courage to ask, "So, tell me, how is this frog a pervert?" The man looks back at her and says, "If you must know, he loves licking snatch. If you give him ten dollars, he will lick your snatch better than you have ever had." The woman slightly disturbed by this tells the man he is disgusting and walks away from the bar. She sits at a table alone and continues drinking. Sure enough, with a little alcohol assistance, she staggers back the bar and hands the man ten dollars. The man hands the frog to her and she stumbles to the rest room. She places the frog on the toilet lid, pulls her panties down and puts her snatch right over the frogs face. The frog just sits there. The lowers her girly parts closer. Still, the frog does nothing. Furious, she pulls her underwear up and her skirt down and stomps back to the man at the bar. "I want my money back you dirty old bastard!", she exclaimed.  The old man asked, "What's the problem?" She explained what happened and he told her to follow him to the restroom with the frog. "Show me exactly what you did ma'am.", said the man. The lady repeats what she did. Sets the frog down, pulls her panties down, squats over the frogs face and once again, nothing.  The old man sighs and picks up the frog and yells, "Alright you idiot! I am going to show you how to do this one more time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/381s4t/a_man_and_his_frog/
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My grandfather once told me 'When i was your age, I thought I was going to be 10 all my life too.

So I said 'And when I was your age, I didn't believe in reincarnation either'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/381puy/my_grandfather_once_told_me_when_i_was_your_age_i/
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What do I look like?

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day, the husband comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking in the upstairs bathroom. Could you fix it?"
The husband says: "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like? Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says: "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says: "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
The wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like?" she says. "Betty Crocker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/381oq6/what_do_i_look_like/
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

Porcupines have pricks on the outside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/381mxi/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a_bmw/
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...and each take a seat and order a beer. When the Englishman gets his beer, he sees a fly floating in it, and politely asks for a different brew. The Scotsman, intrigued by this, looks into his beer and also notices a fly in it. He shrugs and picks it out. When the Irishman's beer arrives, also containing one fly, he's had enough. He picks up the fly, holds it very close to his mouth, and says...
"Spit it out, lad, spit it all out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/381h0e/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk/
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Came up with this when I was 8, have mercy.

What do you call a crazy person on the moon?
A lunartic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/381d3w/came_up_with_this_when_i_was_8_have_mercy/
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English is weird... but it can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Yeah you red it rite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/381cjt/english_is_weird_but_it_can_be_understood_through/
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I jumped into the pool with my iPhone....

It's syncing now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/381ay1/i_jumped_into_the_pool_with_my_iphone/
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Why can't Helen Keller drive....

Because she's a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/381aka/why_cant_helen_keller_drive/
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What did the sadist say when the masochist said "Hit me"?

"No."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3814xd/what_did_the_sadist_say_when_the_masochist_said/
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How many men does it take to wallpaper a feminists house?

Only one, but you have to slice him REALLY thin!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3812hl/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_wallpaper_a/
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I once read the directions on the back of my shampoo bottle. It said to wash, rinse, and repeat.

They found me passed out in the shower four days later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3811y3/i_once_read_the_directions_on_the_back_of_my/
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Gatorade

Everybody knows that Gatorade was first used by the University of Florida's football program, but they weren't the first Florida team to create a hydrating beverage.
But unfortunately no one wanted to buy Seminole Fluid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38115e/gatorade/
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Did you hear about that giant cooling device in Florida?

It was a Miami heat fan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/380x2h/did_you_hear_about_that_giant_cooling_device_in/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That's not funny!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/380wfj/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/380vgz/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_it_looked_like_she_was/
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Relationships are like a seesaw.

If one of you gets too bored or too fat, the fun's over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/380tm4/relationships_are_like_a_seesaw/
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A little girl walked into a pet shop and asked in the sweetest lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shop keeper's heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level, asking: "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like this cute widdle bwown wabbit over here?"
The little girl leaned forward and said: "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/380rgu/a_little_girl_walked_into_a_pet_shop_and_asked_in/
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I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand

They wanted to know where the rest of her body was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/380ogx/i_got_arrested_the_other_day_for_holding_a_little/
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I don't always roll a joint,

But when I do it's my ankle

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/380o2w/i_dont_always_roll_a_joint/
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Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/380o0j/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_kkk_member/
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My wife and I were camping...

and an angry looking bear surprised us while we were eating.  She looked at me and said "Should I give him some of the stew I made?"
I said, "No, he looks angry enough already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/380l1g/my_wife_and_i_were_camping/
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Two bloke sitting in a pub

watching a dog lick its balls.
One turns to the other and says "I wish I could do that."
The second drunk replies "Give him a biscuit and he might let you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/380iil/two_bloke_sitting_in_a_pub/
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What do you call Einstein masturbating?

A stroke of genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/380g4n/what_do_you_call_einstein_masturbating/
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Only joke I know.

So I remember reading this joke on a website years ago and it really stuck with me, and I really don't know any others, and it's a little long, sorry. Here goes...
A tourist is visiting New York city for the first time and has come to the observation deck of the Empire state building, replete with bar. It must have been a Tuesday because the only other people there were the bartender and a stranger who was drinking quite heavily at the bar.
After taking in the view and snapping some photographs the tourist orders a drink from the bartender and engages the stranger in small talk.
Eventually the stranger turns to the tourist and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
Hearing this, the bartender just shakes his head disapprovingly while continuing to clean a glass.
The tourist responds, "What, are you nuts!? there is no way that is true!" The Stranger says "No, seriously it is absolutely true, and I'll prove it to you!" He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets towards the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the Tourist, who looks quite astonished.
"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." Says the tourist. "No, I'll prove it again," says the Strandger as he jumps over once more. Again just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once the stranger get's upstairs again the tourist is adamant that he must try this once in a lifetime experience for himself and insists that the stranger takes his camera to capture the event for his friends back home. The stranger agrees, and the tourist flings himself over the balcony! He rushes past the 12th floor, 11th, 10th...... 9th, 8th floors..... and hits the pavement with a huuuuge splat!
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the stranger and says: "You know what Superman, you are a real asshole when you're drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/380en9/only_joke_i_know/
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I'm never buying a Labrador...

Havent you seen how many of their owners go blind?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/380cbj/im_never_buying_a_labrador/
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What does D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3809rb/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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A guy goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide

The librarian looks at him and says, "Fuck off, you won't return it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3808k2/a_guy_goes_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
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How can you tell the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3808jd/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_ignorance/
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What's the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3803ah/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_three/
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An old man lived alone..

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden because your mother always loved planting time. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren’t in prison.
Love,
Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram: ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the garden!! That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son’s reply was: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3800tz/an_old_man_lived_alone/
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I swear I can stare at my girl for hours and not say a word.

It's so fucking difficult with this restraining order to have a good conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37zvzp/i_swear_i_can_stare_at_my_girl_for_hours_and_not/
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Joke A child asked his father :D

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37zpaj/joke_a_child_asked_his_father_d/
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I love dead baby jokes.

They never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37zokg/i_love_dead_baby_jokes/
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The struggling actor...

finally gets a call for a small part in a play.
The director says, "your line is: "Hark, is that a cannon I hear?"
So the excited actor practices off stage many ways to say the line until he thinks he has it just right. When his time comes, the director taps him on the shoulder and says, "you're on."
Out struts the actor in full costume and suddenly there is a loud boom.
He shouts: "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT????!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37zlxi/the_struggling_actor/
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A guy pulled up next to me in his Honda on a scorching day....

.... and asked if he could fry and egg on the hood of my black car on a dare.
I looked back at him incredulously and said "Why not do it on your own Accord?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37zjr2/a_guy_pulled_up_next_to_me_in_his_honda_on_a/
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Two soldiers are in a tank.

One soldier looks over to the other and says "borglopblaooog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37zi31/two_soldiers_are_in_a_tank/
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Two Goldfish are in a Tank

One turns to the other and says..
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37zdie/two_goldfish_are_in_a_tank/
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Bernie Sanders is so fed up with the BS in politics that he is changing his name.

He's changing it to Ernie Anders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37zcxg/bernie_sanders_is_so_fed_up_with_the_bs_in/
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I'm surprised Bob the Builder ever gets anything done

He's surrounded by tools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37zbbf/im_surprised_bob_the_builder_ever_gets_anything/
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A mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician are all interviewed for the same job...(my statistics teacher in college told the class this joke)

Each of them are brought into the bosses office individually and asked only one question.
The mathematician comes in and is asked "what is 2 + 2?" To which he answers "obviously it's 4"
The engineer is asked the same question. "Well it's hard to say for sure, I'd have to make a few calculations, draw up some graphs. Let me get back to you in about a week."
Finally, the statistician is brought in.
"What's 2 + 2?"
The statistician then casually closes all the blinds in the room and slyly asks "what do you *want* it to be?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37z7ry/a_mathematician_an_engineer_and_a_statistician/
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How do you make a tiramisu?

With a thousand Gigamisous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37z5rh/how_do_you_make_a_tiramisu/
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What do you get when you put two different vinaigrettes in your salad?

Cross-dressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37z4cn/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_two_different/
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I was holding a door open for an Asian Guy.

Once he went though, He said, 'Sank you'.
I Swore at him and kicked him in the Shin.
I Then said, 'Never bring up Pearl Harbor like that'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37yvff/i_was_holding_a_door_open_for_an_asian_guy/
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Donation

A man knocked on my door the other day asking for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I have him a glass of water

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37yuix/donation/
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A man walks into a brothel looking for something cheap...

...and the owner tells him, "One of our best prostitutes died a week ago. She's still in her room and I can let you have your way with her for only $2." The man is hesitant at first but ultimately decides to do it because of his lack of funds for anything else. He hands the owner his money and walks into her room.
After an hour or so the man comes back excited and tells the owner, "That was some of the best sex I have ever had! There was no awkwardness whatsoever, she didn't complain in any way, the smell wasn't too unbearable, and she was still warm and juicy. Everything was perfect except for the fact that her nose kept running."
The owner chuckled a little bit and said, "Her nose was running? Don't worry, she's just full."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ytl8/a_man_walks_into_a_brothel_looking_for_something/
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My lesbian friends just got me a Rolex for my birthday.

I think they misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ytbi/my_lesbian_friends_just_got_me_a_rolex_for_my/
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A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday...

"I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing of drugs."
I said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there....."
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I'm allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!"
I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard screaming, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life being chased by my big, old, mean bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he sure enough would get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran for the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs...
"Your badge! Show him your fucking BADGE!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37yia7/a_dea_officer_stopped_at_our_farm_yesterday/
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They say that trains are full of weird people...

...but I don't think that's true. I've never met a weird person on a train, and I talk to *everyone.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ycbx/they_say_that_trains_are_full_of_weird_people/
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Why should we hire the chickpeas to be part of our choir?

They could hummus a song!
(I was really proud of this one.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37yc9b/why_should_we_hire_the_chickpeas_to_be_part_of/
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A priest, pedophile, and racist walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37y7gr/a_priest_pedophile_and_racist_walk_into_a_bar/
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Three old ladies sat at a park bench when a man in an overcoat appeared in front of them, opened his overcoat, and flashed his naked body.

The first old lady was overcome by the experience and had a stroke. The second old lady was also overcome by the experience and had a stroke. The third old lady didn't have a stroke at all -- her arms were too short.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37y6l3/three_old_ladies_sat_at_a_park_bench_when_a_man/
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Robot For Sale

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Okay, okay, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Okay, okay, we were watching porn videos."
Dad says "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37y4kx/robot_for_sale/
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Yo mamma's so fat...

that she takes selfies in panorama mode

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37y3o6/yo_mammas_so_fat/
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Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and go seek

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one metre by one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein and stands in the middle of  it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, "Newton! I found you!  You're it!"
Newton smiles and says, "you didn't find me,  you found a Newton over a square metre. You found Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37y249/einstein_newton_and_pascal_play_hide_and_go_seek/
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TIFU by asking my wife what is the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

She said "there is a possibility of increase in size of your paycheck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37y0x9/tifu_by_asking_my_wife_what_is_the_difference/
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What's the best thing about oral sex?

The 5 minutes of peace and quiet!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37xz4m/whats_the_best_thing_about_oral_sex/
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Wat did the mermaid wear to her math exam?

An algae-bra.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37xwaz/wat_did_the_mermaid_wear_to_her_math_exam/
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The world is so politically correct these days.

You used to be able to say "black paint." Now it has to be "Jamal can you please paint my wall?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37xm7z/the_world_is_so_politically_correct_these_days/
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God Will Save Me

A big storm approaches. The weatherman urges everyone to get out of town. The priest says, "I won't worry, God will save me".
The morning of the storm, the police go through the neighborhood with a sound truck telling everyone to evacuate. The priest says "I won't worry, God will save me".
The storm drains back up and there is an inch of water standing in the street. A fire truck comes by to pick up the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises another foot. A National Guard truck comes by to rescue the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises some more. The priest is forced up to his roof. A boat comes by to rescue the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises higher. The priest is forced up to the very top of his roof. A helicopter comes to rescue the priest. He shouts up at them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises above his house, and the priest drowns.
When he gets up to heaven he says to God "I've been your faithful servant ever since I was born! Why didn't you save me?"
God replies "First I sent you a fire truck, then the national guard, then a boat, and then a helicopter. What more do you want from me!!??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37xfqd/god_will_save_me/
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A joke about Serenity [Spoilers]

How do Reavers clean their spears?
They put them through the Wash.
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37xfie/a_joke_about_serenity_spoilers/
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How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't. They just arrest the entire room for being dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37xex0/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
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One Second

So this guy is talking to God and ask, "Hey God what does 100 million years seem like to you?"
God answered, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second to me."
Then the man ask, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"
One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."
So the guy says, "Hey God could I borrow a penny?"
And God answers, "Sure. Just a second."
*This is my all time favorite joke, friend told it to me awhile ago, so yeah.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37xbtc/one_second/
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What does Happy Meal and a lonely girl have in common?

They both come with a toy in the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37x1dm/what_does_happy_meal_and_a_lonely_girl_have_in/
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House of ill repute

In the 1920's a man walks into a house of ill repute. He tells the guy inside that he wants the best thing he can get for two dollars. The man tells him to go up stairs and go into the first door on the right, and he'll know what to do. The man goes, and there's a chicken in the room and a large mirror on the wall. So the man screws the chicken. The next day, not feeling satisfied with the experience he goes back and tells the man he wants his money back. The man says he can't do that, but he'll give him something better for free. This time go into the second door on your right. He walks in and there's a few other men in the room looking through a two way mirror watching a crazy orgy. So the man says, "wow this is incredible." One of the other men in the room says, "you should have been here yesterday, there was a guy fuckin a chicken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37wxx3/house_of_ill_repute/
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Why don't female mathematicians use tampons?

They are weary of anything that advertises discrete AND continuous protection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37wx7b/why_dont_female_mathematicians_use_tampons/
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Three girls are playing on the veranda...

...when they notice a white spot on the ground.
The 10 year old says : " Oh! Look at that! Someone spilled milk on the ground!"
The 14 year old crouches down, smells the liquid and says : "Nah. That's sperm."
The 18 year old dips her finger in the sperm, tastes it and says : "Yeah. And he's not from the neighborhood."
I told that joke near a 11 year old and they asked me what was a veranda. Maybe it's time for me to update the ages in that joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37wwdw/three_girls_are_playing_on_the_veranda/
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Somebody told the terminator to update his Microsoft windows, his response-

"I still love vista, baby"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37wvio/somebody_told_the_terminator_to_update_his/
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What did the gay bar say to the straight bar?

Q: What did the gay bar say to the straight bar?
A: I'm not gay. Its just the guys that come inside me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37wvf1/what_did_the_gay_bar_say_to_the_straight_bar/
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Did you hear about the origami master who lost his job?

His office went paperless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37wv3d/did_you_hear_about_the_origami_master_who_lost/
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I told my Kentucky raised girlfriend her family tree doesn't fork...

...it spoons.
She did not find it humorous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37wt7a/i_told_my_kentucky_raised_girlfriend_her_family/
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"If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person's body, and tied them end-to-end, the person will die." -- Neil deGrasse Tyson

https://twitter.com/neiltyson

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37wrtf/if_you_removed_all_the_arteries_veins_capillaries/
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In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37wilr/in_honor_of_his_passing_my_dads_favorite_joke_to/
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How many programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

None, that is a hardware problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37whqk/how_many_programmers_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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what's the difference between a cow and 9/11?

you can't milk a cow for 14 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37w74l/whats_the_difference_between_a_cow_and_911/
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I like my women like I like my beef

Slaughtered and then wrapped in plastic with an expiration date stamped on

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37w6hy/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_beef/
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Your wife and your lawyer are drowning. You have a choice to make:

Lunch or the movies?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37w17d/your_wife_and_your_lawyer_are_drowning_you_have_a/
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How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't.  You get down from a duck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37vzm1/how_do_you_get_down_from_an_elephant/
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What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?

Chewing gum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37vy8n/what_goes_in_hard_and_dry_and_comes_out_soft_and/
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I always thought I should be a comedian...

... because growing up my parents always told me I was a fucking joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37vwxy/i_always_thought_i_should_be_a_comedian/
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What do you call 5 black guys having sex with each other?

A threesome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37vnt0/what_do_you_call_5_black_guys_having_sex_with/
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A collection of jokes I created when I was 11. Prepare for the wittiest jokes you will ever hear.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I've had an accident!
Doctor: The restrooms are down the hall.
What did the old tornado use to walk?
A hurri-cane!
What's the strongest shellfish?
A mussel!
What kind of fish do you find in a mine?
A goldfish!
Why did the puck glue itself to the ice?
It saw the hockey stick!
Where do you find tomatoes?
On toma-feet!
Why did the chicken go to school?
To get an eggucation!
Why was the piece of steel mean?
He was hard-hearted!
What happened to the musicians who tried to shoplift from a convenience store?
They were band for life!
What did the bell say to the loud man?
It tolled him to be quiet!
How did the boat know it had a leak?
It had a sinking feeling...
What gem can you burn yourself on?
A sapph-fire!
What gem is always clean?
A soapal!
What's the coldest part of the North Pole?
The snow!
Which fruit is microscopic?
A banano!
Why did everyone avoid the cow?
He was in a bad moo-d!
What did the steak say to the salami?
Nice to meat you!
Why was the boat's price half off?
Because it was on sail!
Which country is the sickest?
Germ-any!
Who was the cleanest U.S. President?
George Wash-ington!
What do you call someone who prefers white rice to brown rice?
Ricist!
Which bug is worth a penny?
A cent-ipede!
What do you call a sad fruit?
Meloncholy!
Which U.S. president was a chicken?
Theodore Roostervelt!
What do you call forks and knives who serve a rich family?
Butlery!
Why was the bucket worried about her friend?
He looked a little pail!
How did the hay get out work?
He baled!
What do you call a line of canoes?
A row!
What kind of bird builds skyscrapers?
A crane!
What kind of mammal is used in pastries?
A doe!
I'm severely allergic to bees...whenever I go near one, I break out in hives!
What do you call an Islamic insect?
A mosque-ito!
It pains me to admit it, but whenever I speak, my throat hurts!
What kind of crevice can swim?
A fish-sure!
Why didn't the bag tell her friend about her problems?
They were purse-onal!
How did the hammer contact his friend?
With e-nail!
When does a lord wake up?
Earl-y!
What did the orange do when he was told a joke?
He burst into peels of laughter!
How do you steer a weather horse?
With rains!
(That's all I could find. My sense of humour was top notch at 11.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37vmf4/a_collection_of_jokes_i_created_when_i_was_11/
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Why aren't there any large psychics?

They're all Mediums.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37vdhc/why_arent_there_any_large_psychics/
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I call my car the "pussy wagon" because

that's where I go to cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37vdfv/i_call_my_car_the_pussy_wagon_because/
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Do you know why you shouldn't wear Ukrainian underpants?

Chernobyl fall out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37vc55/do_you_know_why_you_shouldnt_wear_ukrainian/
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I call my Missus's mimsy 'The Tardis'

Not because it's bigger inside than I expected. It's just that she's had several dozen companions and at least one dog in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37v6w2/i_call_my_missuss_mimsy_the_tardis/
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A man comes home from a hard day at work

And sits down in his recliner. His wife comes up and he immediately cries "honey hurry grab me a beer it's about to start!" Looking confused she goes and grabs him a beer. He chugs and and yells "hurry honey get me one more beer it's about to start!" "What's about to start?" She replied angrily. " it doesn't matter just go!" She angrily leaves and brings him a beer. He chugs it again and cries "hurry honey get me another beer it's about to start. She begins to fume and yells "listen here you piece of shit-" to which the man replies "it's started..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37v2rv/a_man_comes_home_from_a_hard_day_at_work/
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My sex life is like a Pontiac.

I usually find it on the side of the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37v2hd/my_sex_life_is_like_a_pontiac/
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Once i did the "is your dad a terrorist?, because you are a bomb.." line to a muslim girl.

Totally blew up in my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37uzmh/once_i_did_the_is_your_dad_a_terrorist_because/
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I got a computer for my wife today.

Best trade I ever made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37uykn/i_got_a_computer_for_my_wife_today/
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Kenya?

Yukon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37uyd3/kenya/
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Would you say that the idea of a nun having sex with a clown...

is virgin on the ridiculous?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37uwv1/would_you_say_that_the_idea_of_a_nun_having_sex/
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How did the Mongols get to Europe?

Steppe by steppe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37uvot/how_did_the_mongols_get_to_europe/
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How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women?

Shaven, not furred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37up0a/how_does_the_modernday_james_bond_prefer_his_women/
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What do you call two Irish gunfighters in a duel?

Kenny Killarney and Arny Kilkenny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37uol5/what_do_you_call_two_irish_gunfighters_in_a_duel/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37uhcf/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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Moved in with my girlfriend and spent 8 HOURS at IKEA today!

I can't believe that bitch made me get a job

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ug83/moved_in_with_my_girlfriend_and_spent_8_hours_at/
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My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend...

I said "There's plenty of fish in the sea." and he replied "Yeah, but it's not just the smell I miss."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ufua/my_friend_recently_broke_up_with_his_girlfriend/
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A man seeks enlightenment as a Buddhist monk

So he joins a Tibetan monastry and takes a vow of silence whereby he is only permitted to say two words every five years.
After five years he appears before the elders and they ask him what he wishes to say. He says, "Food's cold."
Ten years later he appears before them again. The elders ask him what he wishes to say and he says, "Bed's hard."
After fifteen years he appears before them again. When asked for his two words, he says, "I'm leaving."
"About time," says the head monk, "All you've done since you arrived is complain!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37uey7/a_man_seeks_enlightenment_as_a_buddhist_monk/
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One time I walked in on my brother, masturbating.

We locked eyes for what felt like forever. Then he yelled, "Why the hell are you masturbating!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ue4j/one_time_i_walked_in_on_my_brother_masturbating/
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My friend thinks he is smart.

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37uaba/my_friend_thinks_he_is_smart/
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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as a choir boy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37u9q3/how_do_you_get_a_nun_pregnant/
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Niels Bohr (true story)

a true story (supposedly)
A man goes to visit Niels Bohr, and sees a horseshoe hanging over Bohr's door (a scandinavian superstition).
The man says, "But Niels, you are a scientist! Surely you do not believe in this superstition?"
Niels replies, "Of course I don't believe in it!"
The man is confused. "Why do you have it if you don't believe in it?"
Bohr replies, "It is supposed to work, even if you don't believe in it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37u95k/niels_bohr_true_story/
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Headache

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration." You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He woundered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, "that’s what I need .. a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I’d like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let’s see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That’s right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let’s see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was suprised, "that’s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "how about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said "Let’s see... 10-1/2...E." Joe said astonished, "that’s right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "how about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said "Let’s see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." "The salesman shook his head, "you can’t wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37u62t/headache/
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Stages of man's sexuality [OC]

1. Puberty: masturbating in secrecy and shame.
2. Early adulthood: comfortable masturbation in your room and some casual sex with strangers.
3. First serious relationship: wild sex all the time.
4. First years of marriage: steady and regular sex.
5. Marriage after children: masturbating in secrecy and shame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37u4yc/stages_of_mans_sexuality_oc/
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What do you get if you cross an owl and a rooster?

A cock thats up all night!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37u4be/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_an_owl_and_a_rooster/
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A small geographical difference

An elderly man walks in to the famous restaurant Lucas Carton in Paris with his girlfriend. He orders a bottle of Rothschild Mouton 1928.
The waiter returns with a full bottle of wine and fill up a small amount in a glass for tasting.
The man barely smells the wine before putting the glass down and stating: "This is not a 1928 Mouton!"
Soon, almost 20 people are standing around the table. This includes the chef and the restaurants owner. Every single one is trying to convince the old man that it is, in fact, a 1928 Mouton. The waiter then asks: "How can you be so sure this *isn't* a 1928 Mouton?"
The elderly man then states: "My name is Phillip de Rothschild, and I produce this wine!"
The waiter then admits that the wine actually is a Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear the thought of us parting with the last bottle of Mouton 1928. You know, Clerc Milon is produced in the exact same village, with the exact same grapes, the same type of baskets and aged in the exact same barrels. The wines are *exactly* the same, the only difference is that the vineyards are on the other side of the village."
Rotschild turns to the waiter and says: "When you get home tonight, ask your wife to undress, and put one finger in each hole. Pull them out, and smell them. You'll then understand the importance of a small geographical difference."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37u0gx/a_small_geographical_difference/
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I've kidnapped 100 kids and killed 10 of them

Only 90 kids can remember

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ts3a/ive_kidnapped_100_kids_and_killed_10_of_them/
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What do you call a sneaky criminal that thinks he's superior to everyone walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37tnyx/what_do_you_call_a_sneaky_criminal_that_thinks/
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Saturn

Undefeated Solar system Hula Hoop champ!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37tlts/saturn/
%
How many apples grow on a tree?

ALL OF THEM!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37tjsl/how_many_apples_grow_on_a_tree/
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A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.

First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37t9qw/a_week_before_memorial_day_kids_bring_pictures_of/
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Is it possible to get steak poisoning?

Yes, but it's really rare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37t6wz/is_it_possible_to_get_steak_poisoning/
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A teacher asks his students to make a sentence with the word "contagious"...

...Sally answers, "Viruses are contagious."
"Very good Sally. Anybody else?", the teacher says.
Ben puts up his hand, "When I hear someone laugh, I like to laugh as well, because laughter is contagious".
"Thankyou Ben, that was a good example", replies the teacher.
Then Timmy puts up his hand. "Yes Timmy", asks the teacher.
"My neighbour was painting the outside of his house with a two inch brush, and my Dad said that it would take the contagious."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37t3l8/a_teacher_asks_his_students_to_make_a_sentence/
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A man is often sent on business trips...

And discovers that during most, his wife would cheat on him. Being such a forgiving man he decided to ask his wife of she could stop if given an amazing sex toy. His wife agreed as long as it was amazing.
He proceeds to the local sex shop and asks the clerk for the best sex toy he's got in Stock. The clerk reaches under the desk and pulls out a box. "this here is the Magic dildo. You just say, magic dildo, and tell it where to go, it will blow her mind!"
The husband was instantly sold and bought it without hesitation. The clerk says: "oh before you go. The only way to make it stop is the command :magic dildo get back in your box!" the husband excited about his new marriage saving tool barely listens and leaves the store.
Upon returning home he gives his wife the toy and tells her how to get it going before leaving on his next trip.
The next day his wife wants to try the toy. "magic dildo! My pussy" she says, and let's it go to work. Upon finishing she realizes her husband never told her how to make it stop and proceeds to drive to the hospital to have it Removed.
On her way to the hospital she was swerving a great deal due to the immense pleasuring and was pulled over. "can you tell me why you're driving so reckless mam?" says the cop. "I'm sorry officer but I'm on my way to the hospital, there's a magic dildo stuck in my vagina."
In utter disbelief the cop exclaims: "magic dildo my ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37t0n7/a_man_is_often_sent_on_business_trips/
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A guy was watering his lawn

As he was watering his lawn, he noticed a hearse coming down the street followed by another hearse. Behind the second hearse was a man walking a dog, and behind them were like 15 guys walking in a single file line.
The guy watering his lawn walks up to the man with the dog and asks what happened.
"My wife was killed by this dog."
"Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that," replied the guy. "Why is there a second hearse?" he asked.
"Well this dog also killed my mother-in-law shortly after."
The guy thinks for a second and then asks the man if he can borrow the dog.
The man replies, "Get in line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37t07f/a_guy_was_watering_his_lawn/
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A child tells his dad that he wants to work in organized crime

His dad says : government or private sector?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37stra/a_child_tells_his_dad_that_he_wants_to_work_in/
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Why did the cucumber blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37sqpi/why_did_the_cucumber_blush/
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I admitted to my crush that I have feelings for her, but she told me she's only attracted to assholes

Which is awesome, because now she won't leave mine alone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37snxr/i_admitted_to_my_crush_that_i_have_feelings_for/
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New machine at the gym.

They installed a new machine at my gym today, I managed to do 2 hours on it.
They do all sorts. Snickers, Kit-kats, Mars bars, you name it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37sjud/new_machine_at_the_gym/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a painting...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37se8d/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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EINSTEINIUM

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.
"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer
"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37scz9/einsteinium/
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I used to think I was trapped inside a woman's body

Then I was born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37scqf/i_used_to_think_i_was_trapped_inside_a_womans_body/
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The teacher asked what comes after the number 69...

The student replies, "Mouthwash."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37scqb/the_teacher_asked_what_comes_after_the_number_69/
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Turkey shot down Syrian helicopter at the border.

How did they train it to do that?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37sb2p/turkey_shot_down_syrian_helicopter_at_the_border/
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Just found out I'm colorblind

it came out of the yellow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37s9v9/just_found_out_im_colorblind/
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What's Forrest Gumps Favorite Password?

1Forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37s83k/whats_forrest_gumps_favorite_password/
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Anheuser Busch is using a Georgia brewery to can water for flood victims in Oklahoma and Texas

They're labeling very clearly so people don't confuse it with Bud Light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37s5mn/anheuser_busch_is_using_a_georgia_brewery_to_can/
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What did the dagger say to the sword?

Dagger: Are you like me, just bigger?
Sword: Sword of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37s5ll/what_did_the_dagger_say_to_the_sword/
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I watched the movie San Andreas today and I really enjoyed it

Despite its faults.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37s4gu/i_watched_the_movie_san_andreas_today_and_i/
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A man goes into a bar

He says "give me a drink before the trouble starts"
Bartender gives him a drink, he drinks it and says "give me another drink before the trouble starts"
He downs that one and says "give me another drink before the trouble starts"
Another one down and again "give me another drink before the trouble starts"
Bartender asks "when's this trouble going to start?"
The man says "as soon as you realize I don't have any money"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37s1df/a_man_goes_into_a_bar/
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My name's Stanley, but my friends call me Stan...

So no one calls me Stan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37rwo9/my_names_stanley_but_my_friends_call_me_stan/
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Fascinate

Teacher: Can anyone use the word "fascinate" in a sentence?
Billy: I was fascinated by the sunrise.
Teacher: Good, but "fascinated" is past tense.  Can anyone else try?
Suzie: It was fascinating to see the flowers grow.
Teacher: Good, Suzie, but you added an "ing" at the end of the word and made it an adjective.  I just want to hear the verb "fascinate".
Ernie: Yo mama got a blouse with 12 buttons on it...but she so fat, she can only fascinate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37rvuq/fascinate/
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What's the singular form of 'werewolves'?

I am a wolf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ruuc/whats_the_singular_form_of_werewolves/
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What's worse than sucking 12 raw oysters out of your grandma's vagina?

Realizing you only put in 11

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37rutl/whats_worse_than_sucking_12_raw_oysters_out_of/
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Pig Feeding

A guy's driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he's doing is he's taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the guy pulls over and walks up to the farmer and he says, "Wouldn't it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?" And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says, "What's time to a pig?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37rtqs/pig_feeding/
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My mac has a factory defect.

I've been using for 3 years and it still works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37rsue/my_mac_has_a_factory_defect/
%
What did one butt cheek say to the other?

If we pull together, we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37rsl9/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other/
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Electric Trains

Q:  What do electric trains and boobs have in common?
A:  They're both meant for small children, but it's the grown men that end up playing with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37rs8s/electric_trains/
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My friend Sid was a victim of ID theft.

Now he is known as S.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37rrvq/my_friend_sid_was_a_victim_of_id_theft/
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While filling out a survey, I came across the gender option: Canadian...

I guess you could say I'm Eh-Sexual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37rqs2/while_filling_out_a_survey_i_came_across_the/
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If Tiger Wood and Princess Diana played a round of golf who would win?

Tiger Woods! because he  has a better driver!
I'll be in hell if you need me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37rpak/if_tiger_wood_and_princess_diana_played_a_round/
%
I wish dicks were more like technology

So I could brag about how small mine is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37rkxp/i_wish_dicks_were_more_like_technology/
%
Why did the scarecrow get the job?

Because he was out standing in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37rj59/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_the_job/
%
How do college students exercise?

By swimming in their debt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37rfze/how_do_college_students_exercise/
%
I'm selling my parachute. Mint condition.

Never opened, only used once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37rf83/im_selling_my_parachute_mint_condition/
%
How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into her kitchen one day to find her husband stalking around the kitchen with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked him.
"Im killing flies!" He said excitedly.
"Have you killed many so far?"
"Yes I have! 2 males and 3 females."
The mans wife furrowed her brow, "How can you tell which ones are what sex?" She implored.
"Well, the first two I killed, they were on a beer can, were the males."
"Yeah, well how did you know the other three were female?"
"They were on the telephone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37r7ya/how_to_tell_the_sex_of_a_fly/
%
Old guy told me a story of how he lost his teeth.

I was at a bar one night and one woman, ugly and fat as can be, walked in. She noticed me and came up behind me and smacked my behind.
"Hey buddy, I like old guys, so how about you give me your number?" She said. I turned around to look at her with a pause.
"You got a pen?"
"Sure do."
"Well you'd better get back in it before the farm realizes you're missing."
My surgery is next Monday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37r7bc/old_guy_told_me_a_story_of_how_he_lost_his_teeth/
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A monkey was arrested

today when he started throwing flaming feces at zoo employees. Three of the zoo employees were rushed to the hospital with turd debris burns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37r4oc/a_monkey_was_arrested/
%
Why did the woman cross the road?

Good fucking question, I need to get stronger locks for the home dungeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37r2nm/why_did_the_woman_cross_the_road/
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37r0ww/what_did_the_cannibal_do_after_he_dumped_his/
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What do Asgardians say when they have an intense workout at the gym?

I'm Thor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37qvkx/what_do_asgardians_say_when_they_have_an_intense/
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Fisherman's Joke

A man and a woman are on their honeymoon at a nice resort for a 3 day stay. The resort manager notices the man leave in the morning on the first day and spent the day fishing. He does this for 2 more days, so the manager decides to approach the man and ask "Why aren't you in there having sex with your wife?"
"She has gonorrhea"
"Oh, well why don't you do oral?"
"She has oral herpes"
"Well what about Anal?"
"She has diarrhea"
"So why the hell did you marry her?"
"She has worms"
Wish I could tell it as good as the old man on the pier did last night, but had to tell someone before I forgot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37qvgh/fishermans_joke/
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My dad used to say "fight fire with fire"

I guess that explains why he got thrown out of the fire brigade

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37quhj/my_dad_used_to_say_fight_fire_with_fire/
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How did Little Debby get pregnant?

She fell into a box of Ding Dongs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37qtha/how_did_little_debby_get_pregnant/
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COUNTING CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37qp28/counting_condoms/
%
A Dane, An Englishman and a Frenchman are taken prisoner by cannibals.

The cannibals tell the Englishman, "we're going to boil you alive, eat your guts and use your skin to make a canoe. Do you have a dying wish?" The Englishman asks for a knife, yells "God save the queen!" then cuts his own throat and dies.
The cannibals turns to the Frenchman. They tell "We're going to boil you alive, eat your guts and use your skin to build a canoe, do you have a dying wish?" The frenchman also asks for a knife, yells "Viva la France!", cuts his own throat and dies.
The cannibals finally turn to the Dane, they tell him "we'll boil you, eat you, and use your skin for a canoe, do you have a dying wish?". The Dane asks for a fork. He get's the fork and then starts poking himself really hard with the fork, repeatedly, creating hundreds of holes. He looks at the cannibals and says: Fuck your canoe!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37qmn8/a_dane_an_englishman_and_a_frenchman_are_taken/
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A Man Met a Beautiful Girl in a Bar

and wooed her until he brought her back home for some love making. After an hour the guy asked her "Are you finish?", to which the girl shook her head.
He then continues to make love to her for another hour. "Are you finish?" The girl shook her head again. He then goes on again for another 15 minutes until he's completely exhausted.
He asked her "Are you finish?"
The girl replied "No, I'm German"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37qg63/a_man_met_a_beautiful_girl_in_a_bar/
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I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker..

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37qe8g/i_didnt_want_to_believe_my_dad_was_stealing_from/
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Jesus was obviously white.

He even tastes like crackers!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37qcvn/jesus_was_obviously_white/
%
I went to the super market today

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37qbt7/i_went_to_the_super_market_today/
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Smartpills

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37q9ff/smartpills/
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There's a band called 1023 MB.

They haven't had a gig yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37q57n/theres_a_band_called_1023_mb/
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I asked my girlfriend what she wanted during sex. She asked me to go deeper.

So I asked her what she really wants out of life. She didn't say anything but apparently the answer was to stop having sex with me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37q4ol/i_asked_my_girlfriend_what_she_wanted_during_sex/
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The Black Bra

(as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat; under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What's for dinner, Zorro?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37q3r4/the_black_bra/
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I'm selling a used French rifle

Never been fired, only dropped once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37q2av/im_selling_a_used_french_rifle/
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Despite the cost of living...

It still remains so popular.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37q0st/despite_the_cost_of_living/
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Hey everybody! I just flew in from Chicago, and good golly are my arms tired!!

From masturbating on the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37q0kn/hey_everybody_i_just_flew_in_from_chicago_and/
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What do you call a gay question?

a query.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37q0e2/what_do_you_call_a_gay_question/
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister

are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps. The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps. The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37pxi5/a_rabbi_a_priest_and_a_minister/
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What do you call a turtle with a hard on?

-A slow poke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37pwgd/what_do_you_call_a_turtle_with_a_hard_on/
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What's the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37pvw6/whats_the_least_spoken_language_in_the_world/
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I bought my wife a dildo and a book for her birthday..

If she doesn't like the book she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37plwv/i_bought_my_wife_a_dildo_and_a_book_for_her/
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Why IRS hasn't taxed the only thing it left out - penis!

NEW TAX CODE
The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.
This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it
is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there
penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a
corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
Effective May 30, 2015, penises will be taxed according to
size. The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" Luxury Tax
8"-9" Pole Tax
6"-7" Privilege Tax
4"-5" Nuisance Tax
Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone
under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37pjyh/why_irs_hasnt_taxed_the_only_thing_it_left_out/
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My Girlfriend is leaving me after learning

that I spent our life savings on a penis extension. She said that she could not take it any longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37pi4e/my_girlfriend_is_leaving_me_after_learning/
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I like my scotch like I like my women..

12 and single.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37pgy7/i_like_my_scotch_like_i_like_my_women/
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The curious case of the lost washcloth

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs?
She responded, "It's my washcloth".
Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked
in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the
doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother:
"What happened to your washcloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it".
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his
mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running
to his mother yelling and screaming,
"I found your washcloth!"
The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along
with the boy and asked,
"Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's washing daddy's face with it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37pf3g/the_curious_case_of_the_lost_washcloth/
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What's the difference between a Penis and a paycheck?

After five years your Wife will still blow your paycheck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37peio/whats_the_difference_between_a_penis_and_a/
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I was gonna make a joke about cows...

But it's terribull

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37pdpy/i_was_gonna_make_a_joke_about_cows/
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Intellectual Joke

Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says “We don’t serve noble gases in here.”
Helium doesn’t react.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37pcrs/intellectual_joke/
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My friend has a habit of dropping things.

It's getting out of hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37pamu/my_friend_has_a_habit_of_dropping_things/
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Jokes are like bread.

Fine to steal if you don't have any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37p93y/jokes_are_like_bread/
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It's crazy how sexist the postal service is.

I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37oxwe/its_crazy_how_sexist_the_postal_service_is/
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I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together...

It was very confusing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37oqp6/i_ended_up_in_jail_the_other_night_and_the_guys/
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man and woman relationship

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37on6m/man_and_woman_relationship/
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Guys can we please begin calling Krav Maga "Jew Jitsu?"

I'm pretty serious about this but I don't know where to post it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37okay/guys_can_we_please_begin_calling_krav_maga_jew/
%
What's the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag is a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ohwg/whats_the_best_part_about_living_in_switzerland/
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The Lone Ranger

and Tonto were riding across the prairie. Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"
Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37oh8l/the_lone_ranger/
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What's the oldest age that a boy can have a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ofco/whats_the_oldest_age_that_a_boy_can_have_a/
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What do you call a fungi extremist?

spore-radical.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37o3t4/what_do_you_call_a_fungi_extremist/
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Why is monkey shit the craziest shit?

Because that shit's bananas!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37nyb6/why_is_monkey_shit_the_craziest_shit/
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What's six inches long and isn't getting sucked this Friday night?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37nw33/whats_six_inches_long_and_isnt_getting_sucked/
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What is a similarity between a Rubik's cube and a dick?

The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37nvbz/what_is_a_similarity_between_a_rubiks_cube_and_a/
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Free shipping?

I walked into an airport with two bags:
"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."
"Sir, you can't do that."
"Why not? It happened the last time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37nt36/free_shipping/
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Engineer Jokes!

**#1**
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
**#2**
One is a mechanical engineer, one is an electrical engineer, and one is a computer engineer.
The car breaks down and coasts to the side of the road.
"Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time."
"Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I think it's the electrical system. Let me have a look and I'll get us going again in a minute or two."
"Hold on," says the computer engineer. "Why don't we all just get out of the car and get in again, and then see if it starts?"
**#3**
The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37nq7h/engineer_jokes/
%
An elderly couple gets pulled over by a cop.

The wife is driving, but she has a bit of a hearing problem. The officer notifies her that she was doing 38 in a 25 zone.
The wife turns to her husband and asks "What'd he say?"
The husband replies "He says you were speeding!"
The wife turns back to the officer and says "Oh, sorry officer."
The officer goes on; "License and registration please."
The wife again turns to her husband. "What'd he say!?"
The husband, growing irritated, says "He wants to see your LICENSE." The wife replies, "Oh, sorry officer. Here you go."
The officer inspects her license and comments, "Ah, you're from Brownsville. I'll never forget that city... I had the worst sexual experience of my entire life in Brownsville!"
The wife once more turns to her right and yells "What'd he say!!?"
The husband replies "He says he knows you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37noqe/an_elderly_couple_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
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The Two Gates of Heaven

When men go to heaven there are two gates which they can choose from. The first is labeled "Men who are controlled by their wives" then other labeled "Men who control their wives".
The first gate had thousands of men waiting to enter, while the second gate only had 1 man in line. When God came to check on the lines he approached the one individual standing in the "Men who control their wives" line and asked: "Why are you the only man standing here?"
The man replies: "I don't know my wife told me to stand here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37nnxl/the_two_gates_of_heaven/
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How will the Duggar's stay on TV and make money?

By moving the show to a "true crime" channel and calling it "18 Victims and Counting".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37nl2t/how_will_the_duggars_stay_on_tv_and_make_money/
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There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35...

...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37nfrd/theres_no_reason_to_be_tailgating_me_when_im/
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Reading between the lines.

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37nesy/reading_between_the_lines/
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Just ordered a chicken and and an egg off ebay...

Will let you know the results soon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ne8i/just_ordered_a_chicken_and_and_an_egg_off_ebay/
%
What is the official fruit of gays in Texas?

Canteloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ndud/what_is_the_official_fruit_of_gays_in_texas/
%
Three feminists had a picnic...

It didn't last long - none of them made sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37n8ds/three_feminists_had_a_picnic/
%
A cop pulls over his pastor when he notices him swerving...

As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "brother, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No sir, why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh, that's just holy water."
"OK brother. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Brother, this is wine."
The pastor, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37n62x/a_cop_pulls_over_his_pastor_when_he_notices_him/
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My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god

I had to explain that Buddha isn't Greek.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37n4ua/my_friend_told_me_he_had_the_body_of_a_greek_god/
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Why did the sea monster eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37myk8/why_did_the_sea_monster_eat_5_ships_that_were/
%
One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven...

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be admitted to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed before God even told his joke.
God asked, "Why did you laugh, I haven't even told the joke yet?"
The blonde said, "I know, I just got the first one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mxyc/one_day_a_redhead_a_brunette_and_a_blonde_were_on/
%
How can you tell the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber

Ask them to pronounce 'Unionized'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mudy/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
%
Prom Date

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. There two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time.
When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and ... there's no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mu1d/prom_date/
%
There are three priests...

...at a bus stop. And a man walks up to them and says "I'm Jesus Christ." The three priests look at him and say "no you're not." "Oh yeah?" Replies the man. "Follow me" So the priests follow the man to a bar, and they walk inside. The bartender immediately yells "Jesus Christ, you're back already!?" At the man. To which the man says to the priests "I told ya"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mtfe/there_are_three_priests/
%
What's your favorite game if you wear a turban?

Hide-and-Sikh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mr3j/whats_your_favorite_game_if_you_wear_a_turban/
%
If the opposite of con is pro...

...the opposite of constitution has to be prostitution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mpl5/if_the_opposite_of_con_is_pro/
%
What's the difference between a Vagina and a Refrigerator?

A Fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mpjn/whats_the_difference_between_a_vagina_and_a/
%
Four nuns die and go to heaven

At the pearly gates they see Saint Peter. The first nun said to Peter, "Saint Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still enter heaven?" Saint Peter then pointed to a font and said to the nun, "wash your eyes in this holy font, and you may enter heaven." The nun washed her eyes and entered heaven.
The second nun then says,"Saint Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I still enter heaven?" Saint Peter then pointed to the font and said to the nun, "wash your hands in this holy font, and you may enter heaven." The second nun washes her hands in the font and, as promised, she enters heaven.
At this point, Saint Peter noticed the third and fourth nun fighting. When he asked why they were fighting, the fourth nun turned to Saint Peter and said, "I want to wash my mouth before she dips her ass in the font."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mmd1/four_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
This is your captain speaking...

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mlm8/this_is_your_captain_speaking/
%
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?

A: One less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mlhf/q_whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding/
%
Do you know the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

Only one of them will stop screwing you after you're dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mkzc/do_you_know_the_difference_between_a_lawyer_and_a/
%
What's the difference between a potato and a vegetable...?

Not knowing how to use a coathanger...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mix8/whats_the_difference_between_a_potato_and_a/
%
What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin get in the Bat mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mhor/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
%
How many moths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but more can join in if there's room in the lightbulb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mdut/how_many_moths_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I love telling dead baby jokes...

They just never get old!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mczb/i_love_telling_dead_baby_jokes/
%
Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?

One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mc8l/why_did_kgb_officers_always_travel_in_threes/
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[OC] How does captain hook cook pita bread?

With a pita pan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mbod/oc_how_does_captain_hook_cook_pita_bread/
%
The Train Set

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying........''All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop!  And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we are going down the tracks.''
The horrified mother went in and told her son, ''We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS.  When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train.  Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, ''All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one.'' She hears the little boy continue, For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all your hand luggage under your seat.  Remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'' As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mbe6/the_train_set/
%
The secret to originality...

...Is to forget all of your sources.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mapz/the_secret_to_originality/
%
An Orchestra in Albuquerque in July

A travelling orchestra had planned on being in Albuquerque in January and Minneapolis in July. However, their manager got the dates wrong and the group ended up doing a three-day run in an outdoor theater in Albuquerque in the middle of the July heat. The event was exhausting and by the third night, everyone was just hoping to survive one more concert and move on.
During the last song - Beethoven's Ninth - the bass players in the back of the orchestra hatch a plan. There's a bit in the middle of the song that's all violins and flutes, surely they won't be missed. They decide to sneak out to the bar next door for a drink, 'just to keep hydrated.'
They stay a little longer than they should have, and drink a lot more than they would have, when one of them realizes that they are going to miss their entrance. The ring-leader of the group tells them to not worry, as he had the foresight to tie the last page of the score down with a bit of string. It will take the conductor a while to unite it, which means the concert will stop and they can sneak in. They drunkingly congratulate him for being so smart as they stumble back to the theater.
Meanwhile, the conductor is in a bind. The very energetic end of the piece is coming up and his bass section is missing. The violinists are working up a sweat trying to keep up in the heat when suddenly the first violinist faints from heat exhaustion. This is the last straw for the second violinist and she faints too. The bass section begins stumbling in not so subtly as they are knocking people, instruments, and chairs over.  To top it all off, someone has tied down the last page of the score as he is desperately trying to flip the page.
It would do us good to sympathize with the conductor and put ourselves in his shoes. From his vantage point, he begins to realize that:
There are two out, at the end of the ninth
The score is tied
And the basses are loaded.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37mao1/an_orchestra_in_albuquerque_in_july/
%
I'm pretty sober.

But I'm prettier drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37m59g/im_pretty_sober/
%
Do you know why consuming ants is good for your health?

It's because they have anty-bodies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37m3hs/do_you_know_why_consuming_ants_is_good_for_your/
%
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to [/r/AntiJokes](https://www.reddit.com/r/AntiJokes/).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37m2ay/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
An old Chinese saying:

If the dog is barking, you didn't cook it enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37m0ms/an_old_chinese_saying/
%
Nike's thought when considering whether or not to participate in the FIFA bribe scandal...

Just do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37lwyu/nikes_thought_when_considering_whether_or_not_to/
%
A group of nuns are biking one day...

and every bump they hit they all giggle. Finally the head nun turns around and yells, "Ladies, if you don't stop that laughing we're going to have to put the seats back on!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37lulu/a_group_of_nuns_are_biking_one_day/
%
When somebody said I could never be a ninja I replied,

"Shurikan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ls3x/when_somebody_said_i_could_never_be_a_ninja_i/
%
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37lgst/how_many_surrealists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I see, it's all coming back to me now...

Said the blind man as he pissed into the wind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ld0p/i_see_its_all_coming_back_to_me_now/
%
Batman and Robin are camping in the desert ...

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Batman. Robin ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?"
Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks: " Robin, someone has stolen our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37l7io/batman_and_robin_are_camping_in_the_desert/
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The Pope and Hillary Clinton

are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."
His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37l76l/the_pope_and_hillary_clinton/
%
3 legged pig

A traveling salesman was driving on a back road when he saw a huge pig with three legs. The salesman had some time so he pulled up to the driveway and found a farmer.
The salesman asked, "I was driving by and I saw your pig and I was wondering what happened to it."
The farmer replied, "Oh, that pig he's a special one. One year we were in a rough drought and the well dried up, and this pig dug straight down untill he found water. Then the next year this pig saved my wife from our barn when it caught fire."
"But what happened to the pigs leg" the salesman asked.
"Sir with a pig that special you don't eat it all at once."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37l5os/3_legged_pig/
%
So two whales are swimming along...

... when they spot a whaling ship. The first whale, in shock, says, "Hey! That's that ship that attacked our pod last year. We should sink it. We'll dive deep under the boat and blow bubbles up. The bubbles will capsize the boat and they'll sink!"
The second whale agrees and they begin their attack on the unsuspecting boat. The two whales take enormous breaths and dive deep under the boat. They blow all the air  out their blowholes and the bubbles race toward the surface. When the two whales come up they see the boat is capsized and sinking and several sailors are in the water.
"Oh man!" says the first whale. "We got 'em. Look, they're all swimming in the water. Now we can eat them!"
The second whale, taken aback, then says, "Sorry man, I'll help with the blow job, but I won't swallow seamen."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37l3de/so_two_whales_are_swimming_along/
%
A Jamaican went to the barber.

It was a dreadful experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37l1v9/a_jamaican_went_to_the_barber/
%
Sleep

It's better than the rest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37l1u5/sleep/
%
You wanna read a joke about Sodium?

Na
.
.
.
What about Nitrosoxide
NO
.
.
.
Umm... Potassium?
K..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37kzg5/you_wanna_read_a_joke_about_sodium/
%
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta...

Now it's a Ford Focus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37kyno/i_left_my_adderall_in_my_ford_fiesta/
%
Why was the broom late?

It overswept.
*BadJokesBestJokes.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ky4i/why_was_the_broom_late/
%
drill sergeant

There once was a private in the army who was in the middle of a training drill for stealth and disguise. He was all painted like a tree and blended in perfectly. The drill sergeant was walking through the forest trying to find this private, when all of a sudden the private flinched. The drill sergeant screamed at him and told him he did a terrible job. Then the private said "Well, with all due respect, I didn't flinch when the dog peed on my leg, or when the birds took a shit in my hair, but what really got me was when two squirrels ran up my pantleg and one of them said 'You know what Jerry... let's eat one now and save the other one for winter' and that's what really got me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37kx9k/drill_sergeant/
%
Which side is the softest side of a cat?

The outside!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37kx93/which_side_is_the_softest_side_of_a_cat/
%
Three hopeful CIA agents have reached their final test

They are told they have to walk into a room where each of their girlfriends are tied to a chair. They are each given a pistol to kill their girlfriend.
The first Agent walks into the room, pistol in hand. Within a few minutes he runs out crying, exclaiming " I can't do it!" He is promptly fired.
The second agent walks in. After half an hour, he walks out shaking his head. "I won't do it". He is told to go away and never return.
The third guy walks in. He is in there for quite some time. The interrogator hears audible thumping sounds coming within the room.
Finally the third guy walks out. The interrogator asks "How'd it go?"
The guy responds by saying "Fuckin' gun was loaded with blanks. I had to knock that bitch out with my bare hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37kwr7/three_hopeful_cia_agents_have_reached_their_final/
%
Husbands are always responsible!

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. As soon as she arrived there, she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said, "The cat just died." She burst into tears and said, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how's mother?" "She's playing on the roof." he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ksx7/husbands_are_always_responsible/
%
A black, a mexican and a gipsy sit in a Car. Who is driving the car?

The police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ksi9/a_black_a_mexican_and_a_gipsy_sit_in_a_car_who_is/
%
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer.

The following exchange took place. The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks."
(The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37kp41/a_man_who_was_driving_a_car_with_his_wife_was/
%
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.......

so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37knn6/i_was_at_an_atm_and_this_old_lady_asked_me_to/
%
Why are mexicans so predictable in Uno?

Because they always wish for the green card

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37kncf/why_are_mexicans_so_predictable_in_uno/
%
What do you call a fat woman with a rape whistle?

Optimistic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37kmb5/what_do_you_call_a_fat_woman_with_a_rape_whistle/
%
State Trooper pulls a car over

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and a juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said that if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37kitr/state_trooper_pulls_a_car_over/
%
A young boy holding a tiger lily walks past an old man on a porch......

.......and the old man says "Where you going son?" The boy replies "I'm gonna' catch a tiger! Wanna come?" The old man scoffs and says "No thanks." An hour later the boy walks back by dragging a tiger and the old man is amazed.
The next day the same boy walks past the old man, boy holding a dandelion, old man on the porch. Old man says "Where you going now son?" Boy replies "I'm gonna catch a lion! Wanna come?" The old man scoffs and says "No thanks." An hour later the boy walks back past the old man dragging a lion to the old man's intrigue.
The next day the boy walks past the old man sitting on the porch, this time holding a pussywillow. The young boy opens his mouth to speak but before he gets a word out the old man yells "Let me get my coat........"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37k6gz/a_young_boy_holding_a_tiger_lily_walks_past_an/
%
The worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl is...

You have to drop the bomb twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37k4yw/the_worst_part_about_breaking_up_with_a_japanese/
%
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37jvke/my_lesbian_neighbors_gave_me_a_rolex_for_my/
%
sex with twins

Two guys are at a bar. One of them looks to the other and says, "I had the best time last night. I had sex with twins!" The other asks, "How could you tell them apart?" "Well, Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde hair, and Alex had a goatee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37jsx4/sex_with_twins/
%
What sex position makes the ugliest kids ?

Ask your parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37jsh9/what_sex_position_makes_the_ugliest_kids/
%
An English navy ship is sailing off the coast of Germany...

When the ship runs into a giant boulder underwater and starts sinking.
The captain quickly gets on the radio and says "Mayday mayday. This is the English navy we are sinking. I repeat we are sinking." With no response from the German navy base.
After numerous attempts they finally hear a German soldier speak over the radio:
"OK...What..uh... What are you sinking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37jqfj/an_english_navy_ship_is_sailing_off_the_coast_of/
%
A man entered 10 puns into a pun contest.

When he called in to ask if any of his puns won the contest, the organizer told him, "No pun in ten did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37jq2m/a_man_entered_10_puns_into_a_pun_contest/
%
Why did Princess Leia spit and not swallow?

Because it was Chewy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37jp4v/why_did_princess_leia_spit_and_not_swallow/
%
What's the difference between In-laws and 0utlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37jkuh/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_0utlaws/
%
Sexual amnesia

Being new parents my wife and usually have our sexy times while extremely tired. This results in one or more parties not fully remembering the previous nights events. So here is the conversation I had with my wife today.
W - do you remember having sex last night?
M - only the last 30 seconds or so
W - you remember the whole thing then...
I laughed so hard I couldn't even be mad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37jkr4/sexual_amnesia/
%
Don't buy whitening toothpaste

It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days.
15 days have come and gone...
and I am still asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37jfsh/dont_buy_whitening_toothpaste/
%
Charles Darwin and a fish walk into a church

And Darwin says to the congregation, "See, I fucking told you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37jdmc/charles_darwin_and_a_fish_walk_into_a_church/
%
These Goddamn Flies (NSFW)

There's a little boy standing outside of a church swatting at some flies. The priest looks outside to see what the boy is doing when he see's the boy swat at the flies again and say "These goddamn flies!" So the priest walks outside to talk to the boy. He says, "You know son, God put everything on this earth for a reason." The boy shakes his head, swats at the flies again, and says "These goddamn flies!" The priest looks at him and says, "Tell me three things that were put on this earth that don't have a purpose." The boy stops for a minute and after thinking it over he says, "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these goddamn flies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37jde3/these_goddamn_flies_nsfw/
%
Son, if you masturbate too much you'll go blind!

Ahh, I'm over here Dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37jc3p/son_if_you_masturbate_too_much_youll_go_blind/
%
Where will you never find a hipster fish?

The mainstream

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37japd/where_will_you_never_find_a_hipster_fish/
%
Parent Teacher conference

A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
The father asks, "What happened?"
"Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"
"Not yet," the dad replies.
The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?"
"No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?"
"They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked.
"That's what I said" the boy replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37j7rn/parent_teacher_conference/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

Which doesn't quite fit in the username box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37j7f3/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
Lucky number

A man had a dream one night.  He saw 5 angels and they told him the number 5 would be very important to him.  He woke up and thought nothing of it.
He walked downstairs to see his wife had made breakfast.  She made 5 pieces of bacon and 5 eggs. Strange, he thought, it was just like in his dream.  Must be a coincidence.
He looked at the calendar and realized it was the 5th day in May, the 5th month.  Ok, he thought, something strange is going on.
He decided that this was a sign from god, so he took out $5,000 and decided to bet on the horse race happening that day.  The first contestant he saw went by the name "5 for fighting".  This is it, he thought with certainty, god has blessed me with a miracle! He was overcome with joy at his good fortune.
The race ended and alas, the strange premonitions all came true.  The horse came in 5th place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37j5sv/lucky_number/
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Baby snake (OC)

What do you call a snake that always hangs around its mom?
A momma's boa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37j2yg/baby_snake_oc/
%
So if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus was the Lamb of God...

... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37j0sa/so_if_mary_had_jesus_and_jesus_was_the_lamb_of_god/
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A prostitute said she would do anything for 10 dollars.

Look who just got his car washed. THIS GUY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37iygp/a_prostitute_said_she_would_do_anything_for_10/
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Sine, cosine and ln(x) are at a party

Sine approaches cosine and says, "Hey, what's ln(x) doing over in the corner by himself?". Cosine responds, "You see, ln(x) doesn't integrate very well".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37iwwi/sine_cosine_and_lnx_are_at_a_party/
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How do you get a stoner to comprehend what you're saying?

Put it bluntly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37inb5/how_do_you_get_a_stoner_to_comprehend_what_youre/
%
Guys, stop with the vagina jokes.

Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37il9r/guys_stop_with_the_vagina_jokes/
%
The chicken and the egg lay in bed together sharing a cigarette...

The chicken turns to the egg and says, "well, I guess we answered that one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37iiny/the_chicken_and_the_egg_lay_in_bed_together/
%
What was Hitler's favorite drink?

Orange jews, 100% concentrated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ihv8/what_was_hitlers_favorite_drink/
%
I found a butterfly without wings...

So I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... It drowned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ihe8/i_found_a_butterfly_without_wings/
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Santa Claus

One day, a young women, who was 25, was standing at the edge of a bridge ready to jump. It was Christmas Eve. Then a man dressed in a Santa Claus outfit came up and asked "What's wrong?". She replied with "My husband died, I lost my job, I have no family, and I've run out of money." The man then said "Well I can give you all those things back". "How?" asked the girl. "I am Santa Claus" said the man, and I will give you all these things back if you do one this for me". "ANYTHING!" said the girl. "You must give me a blowjob". The girl agreed and she gave him a blowjob until he cummed. Then the man started to walk away. "What about my husband and everything else, aren't you going to fix them?". Then the man turned around and asked "How old are you again?". The girl said "twenty-five". there was a long pause... and then the man said "And you still believe in Santa Claus?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37idd9/santa_claus/
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I'm technically 5'11" but whenever people ask I just say I'm 6'0".

I do it for the same reason I tell people I have a four inch penis - what's an extra inch, anyway?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37i88r/im_technically_511_but_whenever_people_ask_i_just/
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Two guys are enjoying a few drinks at a bar

. One starts to insult the other one. He screams: - “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells: - “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says: - “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37i7iq/two_guys_are_enjoying_a_few_drinks_at_a_bar/
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What's the difference between a Dominican and a Cuban?

Dominicans are close, but no cigar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37i506/whats_the_difference_between_a_dominican_and_a/
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There are two things I don't like about you

Your chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37i4pg/there_are_two_things_i_dont_like_about_you/
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New Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so
I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37i4mk/new_windows/
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What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37i491/what_rock_group_has_four_men_that_dont_sing/
%
Two doctors were having sex when suddenly...

the male doctor, in the moment, says to the female doctor,
**"Wow, you must be a Gynecologist, you *really* know how to use that thing..."**
The female doctor responds,
**"Thanks! You must be an anesthesiologist."**
The male doctor replies,
**"Really? What makes you say that?"**
She retorts,
**"Because I can't seem to feel a thing!"**
_______________________________
I hadn't heard this before, and it came from an EMT/Paramedic training my staff for CPR. I got a good chuckle out of it, thought I would share.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37i3a1/two_doctors_were_having_sex_when_suddenly/
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I've been constipated for four days

I'm getting real tired of this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37hx3f/ive_been_constipated_for_four_days/
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Today i was woken up with a blowjob..

i will never fall asleep with my mouth open anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37huuo/today_i_was_woken_up_with_a_blowjob/
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How do we know Jesus wasn't good with the ladies?

He only got nailed once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37hqsg/how_do_we_know_jesus_wasnt_good_with_the_ladies/
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Tearful Bride

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37hoke/tearful_bride/
%
woman constantly keeps sneezing and goes to see the doctor. She tells him, "Doctor, I constantly keep sneezing, and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."The doctor asks, "What are you doing for it?"

The woman replies, "Sniffing pepper."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37hnxc/woman_constantly_keeps_sneezing_and_goes_to_see/
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NSFW A guy steps into an elevator with a young woman...

He says, "can I smell your feet?"
"No!" She replies.
"It must be your pussy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37hmg1/nsfw_a_guy_steps_into_an_elevator_with_a_young/
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How many Viet Nam vets does it take to change a light bulb?

You don't know? That's right, you *don't* know, because you weren't there, man!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37hlul/how_many_viet_nam_vets_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A bus stops... [NSFW]

and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. . . "
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37hiqm/a_bus_stops_nsfw/
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She says, "Hello"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37hia3/she_says_hello/
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How do Mexicans cut their pizzas?

With Little Caesars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37hg93/how_do_mexicans_cut_their_pizzas/
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Everyone says they are sick of my Linkin Park references...

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37hbqo/everyone_says_they_are_sick_of_my_linkin_park/
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A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"
She:  "I will do that right away, officer."
The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.
He:  "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"
She:  "That was yesterday.  Today we are going to the beach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37h0wt/a_woman_walking_down_the_city_sidewalk_with_an/
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Why do they have fences around a cemetery?

Because people are dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37gzwt/why_do_they_have_fences_around_a_cemetery/
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The great English actor Colin Firth walks into a bar. Who walks in after him?

Colin Thecond

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37gzv0/the_great_english_actor_colin_firth_walks_into_a/
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I'm on a whiskey diet

I've lost 3 days already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37gulk/im_on_a_whiskey_diet/
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Where is the most extravagant brothel in Switzerland, with the most expensive hookers?

The FIFA headquarters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37gsux/where_is_the_most_extravagant_brothel_in/
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What do you call a bullying competition?

A jerk-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37gio6/what_do_you_call_a_bullying_competition/
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Two Statues

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what youve wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would
you care to do it again?"
He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions.
This time, I ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37g9r0/two_statues/
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Why do terrorist use Nokia phones?

so they can reuse the phone after the explosion

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37g9pp/why_do_terrorist_use_nokia_phones/
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The best jokes are the ones you have to explain.

It's funny because the best jokes are the ones you *don't* have to explain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37g705/the_best_jokes_are_the_ones_you_have_to_explain/
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Old joke:blowjob

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her “Darling, would you give me a blow job?”
Horrified, she replies “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Him: “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
Her: “No way. It’s just too risky!”
Him (horny as hell): “Oh please, please, I love you so much!”
Her: “No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: “No, no. I just can’t”
Him: “I beg you… ”
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
“Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37g6ut/old_jokeblowjob/
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75 story hotel

Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75 story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs.
Phil said to Jim and John,"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I'll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection of sad stories."
The others agreed and they started the climb for their hotel room. At the 26th floor Phil stopped with his jokes and Jim started his songs. At the 51st floor songs stopped and John's sad stories started.
"I guess I'll begin with my saddest story first. I forgot the room key in the car."
(EDIT) FIXED THE GRAMMAR DAMMIT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37g5hk/75_story_hotel/
%
Just learned how to masturbate.

It comes in handy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37g4mn/just_learned_how_to_masturbate/
%
In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up

Half to life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37g2hy/in_the_dark_alley_johnny_the_optimist_was_being/
%
My wife left me because she felt I had a drinking problem.

After she left I lost the urge to drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37g2d0/my_wife_left_me_because_she_felt_i_had_a_drinking/
%
Would I?

Neighbouring boys and girls school have their end of year dance.
A student from the boys school, from a poor family, lost his eye and was unable to afford a glass eye, so was given a wooden eye.
Obviously quite shy and retiring due to his 'defect' he sticks to the wall around the dance floor and is having a miserable time, until he sees, across the floor, a girl from the neighbouring school against the far wall. She's perfect in every way except due to a cruel twist of fate she has a vertical mouth, instead of a horizontal one like you and I.
She sees him looking and looks away shyly, then back etc etc. until he finally works up the courage to ask her to dance.
Slowly he makes his way across the floor, twisting through dancing couples, losing sight of her and finding her again, until he finally reaches her.
Bumbling nervously he asks "W-w-w-would you like to dance?" to which she lights up and says "Would I!".
He glares at her and whispers "Cunt face".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37g25c/would_i/
%
Smart Friend

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37g0td/smart_friend/
%
How many FIFA officials does it take to change a light bulb?

**None**. They operate in the **dark**.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37fzdv/how_many_fifa_officials_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Speciman cup

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37fx0u/speciman_cup/
%
Just dropped my iPhone in the bath tub

. I think it's syncing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ftk6/just_dropped_my_iphone_in_the_bath_tub/
%
Adultery

n old man went into confession and told the priest: “Father,I’m 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.”
“I see,” said the priest. “When was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never,Father”, replied the old man. “I’m Jewish”
“So why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37frmi/adultery/
%
$400a night

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.
‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.
The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37fozs/400a_night/
%
What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ffjb/what_do_you_call_a_girl_who_stands_in_the_middle/
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Emergency Brake

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.
Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken.
I can fix that in two minutes. What else?
I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37fbqz/emergency_brake/
%
A man was hunting in the woods with his buddy

The buddy grabbed his rifle and zoomed in and said
"Hey, I can spot your house from here.  But your wife is home and she's cheating on you with another man!"
The husband, shocked,  says "Not again!  Ive had it with her, shoot her in the head and him in the dick."
The buddy, undeterred, said: "No problem, I can get them both with one shot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37f8l7/a_man_was_hunting_in_the_woods_with_his_buddy/
%
What hangs at a man's thigh and is meant to be stuck into a hole all the time?

A key.
----------
This joke was found to have been made in *tenth century England.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37f630/what_hangs_at_a_mans_thigh_and_is_meant_to_be/
%
Young Chuck

One fine old day,  Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works on Wall Street.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37f1y2/young_chuck/
%
why don't you see elephants hiding in the trees that often?

because they're really fucking good at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37eyx2/why_dont_you_see_elephants_hiding_in_the_trees/
%
I hate when people ask what I see myself doing in 5 years

How would I know, I don't have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37exf3/i_hate_when_people_ask_what_i_see_myself_doing_in/
%
Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger

But she did move to California in 1849...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37eq7k/now_i_aint_saying_shes_a_gold_digger/
%
A dark sense of humour is like food.

Not everyone has it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37eibq/a_dark_sense_of_humour_is_like_food/
%
I didn't know what to wear the the premature ejaculators meeting...

So I just came in my pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37eg9j/i_didnt_know_what_to_wear_the_the_premature/
%
Muslims are a lot like breakfast eggs.

If they aren't Sunni side up, they're probably Shiite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ee9h/muslims_are_a_lot_like_breakfast_eggs/
%
They say you're only as old as you feel.

Yet they'll arrest you for trying to feel a 12 year-old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ed0f/they_say_youre_only_as_old_as_you_feel/
%
What's the worst thing you can do to a blind person?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ebj4/whats_the_worst_thing_you_can_do_to_a_blind_person/
%
No punchline.

(The punchline of these jokes is that there is no punchline. It's called a "Västgötaklimax". These are some of my favourites.)
Two cows were out flying. One of them then says to the other "you have a cinnamon bun in your ear".
"What?"
"You have a cinnamon bun in your ear."
"What?"
"You have a cinnamon bun in your ear."
"I can't hear you because I have a cinnamon bun in my ear."
Q: What's the difference between a horse?
A: All of its legs are of equal length, especially the right one.
Q: What's the similarity between an elephant?
A: None of them can ride a bicycle.
Two moose were sitting in a sauna. One of them then says "It's really hot in here". The other moose then answers "Yep".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37eam8/no_punchline/
%
I saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching

Genders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37e783/i_saved_a_bunch_of_money_on_car_insurance_by/
%
I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness...

That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37dzco/i_just_read_that_25_of_women_in_the_united_states/
%
Did you hear about the steak that was knighted by the queen?

Sir Loin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37dyhm/did_you_hear_about_the_steak_that_was_knighted_by/
%
My brother volunteered to perform my sons circumcision

But I could never force kin to do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37dnkt/my_brother_volunteered_to_perform_my_sons/
%
Diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your genes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37dm58/diarrhea_is_hereditary/
%
Why is the area between a woman's breast and hips called a waist?

Because you can easily fit a second pair of boobs in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37dlny/why_is_the_area_between_a_womans_breast_and_hips/
%
Game of Thrones

The only porn you DO watch for the plot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37dh0k/game_of_thrones/
%
A man cuts a hunk of meat from his torso and cooks it in a pan.

As he bleeds out, he realises: "I've made a big me-steak"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37dghm/a_man_cuts_a_hunk_of_meat_from_his_torso_and/
%
The difference between Republicans and Democrats:

A Republican sees a man drowning 40 feet from a pier.  He throws him a 20-foot rope and expects him to swim half way.
A Democrat sees a man drowning 40 feet from a pier.  He throws him an 80-foot rope.  And lets go of his end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37dd4r/the_difference_between_republicans_and_democrats/
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So I was having really rough sex with my girlfriend the other day and she started bleeding...

And I told her that she'd better get used to it, because in a couple of years she's going to be bleeding every month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37dci3/so_i_was_having_really_rough_sex_with_my/
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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream while masturbating?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37db97/my_wife_said_why_is_the_laptop_all_sticky/
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Chaos Theory

Two friends are chatting in a pub.
- Have you heard that Mike died yesterday?
-- Oh no! What happened to him?
- He was about to pass our house driving his car when he crashed into a parking car on the side of the road, broke through the wind shield, flown through straight in our bedroom window.
-- Holy c**p! What a horrible death!
- No, he survived it alright. He crawled towards our wardrobe, tried to stand up grabbing the handle, but the wardrobe toppled over, and fell right onto him.
-- That's horrible!
- That's nothing, he survived that too. He crawled from under it, went out the bedroom, tried to lean against the handrails next to the stairwell, but he toppled over, hitting the chandelier on his way down. And when he fell to the ground level, the chandelier fell on him.
-- I don't know what to say...that's a terrible end!
- You think so? He survived that, and he crawled into the kitchen, he tried to get a grip, but grabbed the kettle, lost his balance, ripping the wires out of the wall, but and the hot water it contained splashed on his face.
-- That...that must have been the last straw...
- You would think so? He tried to reach for the phone to call the ambulance, but he stepped on the wire he ripped out of the wall just a moment ago, and because he was still wet, he got electrocuted, also shorting out everything...
-- That must be the most cruel of deaths I've ever heard of...!
- But Mike survived even that!
-- Survived? But...how did he die, then?
- I shot him.
-- You shot him? WHY?
- For the love of god, he would have ruined the whole house if he continued...!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37d9zc/chaos_theory/
%
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?” “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”
“Well then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us also.” The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!” “Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37d9fx/a_wealthy_lawyer_was_riding_in_his_limousine_when/
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What do thesauruses eat for breakfast?

Synonym rolls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37d8wh/what_do_thesauruses_eat_for_breakfast/
%
There are two things I don't like in my girlfriend.

It's her chin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37d802/there_are_two_things_i_dont_like_in_my_girlfriend/
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You know what the best thing is about being a narcissist?

Me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37d5kv/you_know_what_the_best_thing_is_about_being_a/
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A man calls Dr Phil

"Dr. Phil, I want your opinion on a personal matter." Dr Phil says "Go ahead."
The man explains "My next door neighbor is an attractive young lady.
A few days ago, i was upstairs in my bedroom and happened to glance out the window, and I saw her sunbathing nude in her backyard.  I don't know what happened, i was overcome with lust, and I started masturbating watching her, I couldn't help myself.  When I was done, I turned around and found out my wife had been standing in the doorway almost the whole time, and she had watched me masturbating to the next door neighbor.   My question is....Dr Phil....is my wife a pervert?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37d3di/a_man_calls_dr_phil/
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Divorce joke. Oldie but goodie. Married or not, you WILL laugh.

Man going through divorce finds an ancient lamp. He brings it home, sits on the couch, and rubs it. A genie appears and offers him three wishes but reminds the man that whatever he wishes for,  his wife gets double.
The man wishes for a million dollars in cash which promptly appears before him, but next to his sleeping wife in the bedroom, two million dollars in cash appear.
Next,  the man wishes for the latest model Mercedes which immediately appears on the curb in front of his house, but two identical models appear in the driveway for his wife.
Finally,  the man hesitates for his third and final wish. When prompted by the genie that he must make a decision, the man thinks a little bit longer and smiles. He then looks at the genie and says: "I want you to beat me half to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37d1ri/divorce_joke_oldie_but_goodie_married_or_not_you/
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April showers bring the May flowers. What do the May Flowers bring?

Pilgrims

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37d06z/april_showers_bring_the_may_flowers_what_do_the/
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THE AGING EXPLORER

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37cy7n/the_aging_explorer/
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Burnt Toast

A 14-year-old kid comes home from school crying after the first day of school.  His mom asks what's wrong, and he says, "Today we took showers in gym class, and I noticed that compared to everyone else, my penis is small and I'm practically hairless!  The other kids noticed, too, and they started to make fun of me!!"
The mother discusses the problem with his father, and all they can think of to do is take the kid to see a doctor.  The doctor arrives in the examination room and the parents describe their child's embarrassing problem.  The doctor says, "The solution is burnt toast.  Have him eat burnt toast every day, and I guarantee you he will become much more well-endowed after a short period of time."
The parents bring the child home, somewhat bewildered by the strange advice.  The next morning, the kid wakes up and comes downstairs to the kitchen table, and there sits a huge stack of burnt toast about three feet high!  The kid says, "Mom, I appreciate that you want to help, but there's no way I can eat all that!"  The mother replies, "You're only getting one slice--the rest is for your father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37cxmx/burnt_toast/
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I made a drink called Hit The Road Jack

It's Jack Daniels mixed with methanol.
(Blind jokes are the best kind)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37cw5g/i_made_a_drink_called_hit_the_road_jack/
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What did the sign convention management do to the woman who kept pulling down their long signs?

Banner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37cq2y/what_did_the_sign_convention_management_do_to_the/
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“Stewardess”

“Yes, Sir?”
“I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can’t see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can’t sleep.”
“Captain, shut up and land the plane.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37cp2t/stewardess/
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After I drink coffee I show my empty mug

to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java.
He hates me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37co47/after_i_drink_coffee_i_show_my_empty_mug/
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Have you ever visited the area between Thailand and Vietnam?

Don't bother. It's pretty Laos-y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37cn6z/have_you_ever_visited_the_area_between_thailand/
%
What's the difference between a Democrat and a Republican?

The election year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37clbd/whats_the_difference_between_a_democrat_and_a/
%
I got kicked out of a massage parlor the other day.

Apparently the prostate isn't considered "deep tissue."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37cjv8/i_got_kicked_out_of_a_massage_parlor_the_other_day/
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So doctor how much time do I have left?

10...
10 what?
9, 8....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37cjse/so_doctor_how_much_time_do_i_have_left/
%
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37choa/i_saved_a_bunch_of_money_on_my_car_insurance_by/
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Why does a pterodactyl always urinate on the side of the bowl?

Because the pee is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37cgly/why_does_a_pterodactyl_always_urinate_on_the_side/
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How do you pass the Isis entrance exam?

I don't know about you, I bombed it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37c9lq/how_do_you_pass_the_isis_entrance_exam/
%
I just finished a jigsaw puzzle.

It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37bzr7/i_just_finished_a_jigsaw_puzzle/
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Usain Bolt retires from running...

He has been bored and looking in to a new sport to take up.  He’s looking through his newspaper when he sees an advert for a new golf course in his home town.  He takes a walk down and asks the receptionist about signing up.
Usain Bolt “Hi, I’m here to see about joining your new golf course”
Receptionist “Hmmm I’m not so sure if that would be allowed sir”
Usain Bolt “ Can I ask why?  Have you sold all memberships?”
Receptionist “I’m afraid not sir, you see the owner of the course is rather racist and he won’t allow black members.  There is another golf course just 15 minutes down the road, I’m sure you can join them”
Usain Bolt “That is horrible!  Do you know who I am?  I’m Usain Bolt!”
Receptionist “Ah ok the other course will only be 5 minutes down the road then”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37bzlo/usain_bolt_retires_from_running/
%
The Tale of Ivan Bolshekev

There was once a man named Ivan Bolshekev. He was born in Moscow to two peasant parents in WWII Russia/USSR.
He was a very energetic child, although he didn't get much to eat or play with. He was still optimistic and happy always, though. His parents both loved him and his seven siblings equally.
The boy loved his father the most, though. His dad was always there for him and would always take him out to the woods to play with a ball. They both had fun all the time!
One day, however, everything changed. Ivan's beloved father was fired from his job since he was no longer needed, so the family was out of money. Desperate to make money, he stole some bread from a shop owner.
Ivan's father was sentenced to be thrown into a gulag for the rest of his life, where he did backbreaking labor until his back gave in. At that point, he was lined up against a wall along with all the other useless prisoners and shot by guards.
Ivan was devestated. He couldn't believe his beloved father was gone, and when his mother got the news that her beloved husband was dead, she killed herself out of grief, leaving the seven children orphaned.
The kids went into the woods instead of into civilization, hoping to be able to live off of the land, but they only lasted one month in the unforgiving Russian winter.
Ivan was the only survivor. The others had died, but he was the strongest and most determined of them, and be basically refused to give up and die like they did. Eventually, he found a bear hunter who took him to civilization. He was saved.
Twenty years later, Ivan is now an adult. The economy in Russia (the USSR is now gone) is bad, so he doesn't have a job. One day, he reads about the success of the United States of America in a newspaper, so he decides to go there.
He packs his bags, gets on a ferry with money he had gotten from his long-lost grandfather's will, and goes to America.
When he gets there, he finds a nice apartment to stay in and begins looking for job oppurtunities. When he doesn't find anything good, he sighs and goes to take a walk, hoping to get some ideas.
While walking, he passes a swimming pool that has a sign labelled 'HELP WANTED'. Ivan smiles, for he has always had a passion for swimming, so he goes there and signs up to be a swimming instructor.
However, he is told that he needs to prove that he can swim well enough, so he is instructed to do a few laps in the pool.
He smiles and takes off his clothes, revealing his large muscles. The secretary, who is female, is quite aroused. He then flawlessly dives into the water and completes all the laps in a minute. He gets the job.
Three weeks into his new job, he is told by a student at the pool that he could be a pro swimmer at the Olympics with his talent. He decided to do just that, so he begins training more before signing up for the Olympics.
Time comes for the Olympics, and he dives into the water and swims for all his worth. However, he only makes third place because the other swimmers are also very experienced and talented, possibly even more.
The press asks him how he feels and he says, "It's alright. I've dealt with many hardships in my life."
Four years later, he signs up for the Olympics again, and this time, he gets fourth place, which is even worse.
The press asks about how he feels, and he says, "It's alright. I've dealt with many hardships in my life".
Four years later, he signs up again, and this time, he finally gets the gold medal!
He is hailed as a hero in his homeland, Russia. Everyone there is talking about him and how he has brought pride to his nation. There is even a petition asking for Ivan to come to Russia to bask in the glory, and it has two hundred thousand signatures so far. Eventually, Ivan agrees and heads for Russia.
Before he goes, he packs his bags, as usual. He gets on a boat, which he notices is very sturdy.
Halfway through the journey, two Russian passengers recognize him and ask for autographs. He happily obliges.
They then ask if he can demonstrate his skills by swimming in the ocean, which he agrees to.
The helmsman, who is also a big fan, excitedly stops the boat in order for Ivan to demonstrate his swimming prowess to the excited passengers. The entire boat is anticipating this.
Ivan gets to the top of the boat, waves to everyone, and then dives. However, instead of landing in the water, he accidentally crashes headfirst onto the sturdy floor of the boat.
There is blood everywhere, and Ivan seems to have numerous broken bones and countless scratches and scrapes. However, to everyone's surprise, he gets up without any trouble.
The horrified passengers ask him if he's okay, and he says:
"It's alright. I've dealt with many hard ships in my life."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37byko/the_tale_of_ivan_bolshekev/
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37byf5/today_a_man_knocked_on_my_door_and_asked_for_a/
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How did Moses make his tea?

Hebrewed it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37bwoy/how_did_moses_make_his_tea/
%
I once saw a Mexican magician

He pulled me on stage and said he would make me disappear by the count of three. I didn't believe. Without warning he started counting. "Uno...Dos..." and *Poof*. I was gone without a Tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37bwdl/i_once_saw_a_mexican_magician/
%
An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37bqtp/an_old_lady_at_the_bank_asked_me_if_i_could_help/
%
My toddler tried out and age aproporiate pickup line

"Hey baby, you've got some fiiiiiiine motor skills."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37bq27/my_toddler_tried_out_and_age_aproporiate_pickup/
%
What kind of trails does a crazy person travel?

Psychopaths. (I hate myself)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37bnw0/what_kind_of_trails_does_a_crazy_person_travel/
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A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage

"No, I'm travelling light"
☼
\⁪[†]⁪/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37bm2r/a_photon_checks_into_a_hotel_and_is_asked_if_he/
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Death Joke

“My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.”
“Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?”
“The judge told him.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37bjwp/death_joke/
%
A man buys a Lada (Russian car)...

...but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.
'It's no good mate, the car's no good for me,' says the man to the car dealer.
'Why not?' asks the car dealer.
'Do you see that steep hill over there?' says the man, pointing. 'Well it will only get up to 75 up there'.
'That's not bad really sir, especially for a Lada. I can't see a problem with that'.
'Trouble is,' said the man, 'I live at 95'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37bhah/a_man_buys_a_lada_russian_car/
%
Why do scuba-divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they'd fall back into the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37bdg7/why_do_scubadivers_fall_backwards_off_the_boat/
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A mans hurt real bad.

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and   says "There is nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very  nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37bchu/a_mans_hurt_real_bad/
%
Boy: *calls 911*.........

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37b6b8/boy_calls_911/
%
A Mormon says to his Motel receptionist, 'The porn in my room better be disabled!'

The receptionist replies 'No it's just regular porn you sick bastard'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37b2ia/a_mormon_says_to_his_motel_receptionist_the_porn/
%
To determine a rabbit's sex from afar, try sneaking up on them and shouting: if he runs, it's a boy.

If *she* runs, it's a girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37b2er/to_determine_a_rabbits_sex_from_afar_try_sneaking/
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Why was Han Solo suspicious when he first put his penis in Princess Leia?

It was Luke warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37b1gy/why_was_han_solo_suspicious_when_he_first_put_his/
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Three nuns, one sin for each.

A priest walks up to three of his purist nuns telling them "Ladies you have been with me in the monastery for as long as I can remember, and neither of you had committed a single sin, and so I reward you today and give you permission to do one single SIN, of course nothing against the law, when you are done come to me tomorrow and tell me of your doings." the three nuns thought for a moment and went on their way, the morning after when the first nun comes back she tell him about dressing in a reveling manner and making out with a random man, he tells her "its fine, go wash your face in the holy water and go back to your duty's." a few minutes later come another nun "well my child tell me of your doings." and goes on telling him that she ran out and spent the night with the first big bulky handsome man she found having wild sexual intercourse with him all night, a bit shaken from the tale he says "its fine, go wash your face in the holy water and go back to your duty's." an hour later the third and last nun comes when he asks "where have you been its already noon!" she tells him that she overslept because she could not wake up to her alarm clock, "but that's not a what he had in mind, that's simply being lazy and irresponsible!" she then looks at him "right sir, the thing is I stayed up all night thinking about a sin I would go about, but nothing really came up to my mind so before going to bed I took a piss in the holy water!."
(first post be gentle)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37b0tj/three_nuns_one_sin_for_each/
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Have you heard about Terry the tractor lover?

He was the ultimate tractor enthusiast, his bedroom was plastered with tractor posters, his bed was adorned with a tractor bed spread, tractor toys littered the floor and tractor maintenance DVDs dominated his shelves.
Shortly after Terry's 18th birthday (where he of course had a tractor birthday cake and received numerous tractor themed gifts)  Terry's life turned on it's head. An old farmer, a tractor driver and hero of Terry's stopped him in the street and said "Isn't it about time you grew up a bit lad and stopped wasting your life obsessing over tractors?" Terry had developed a thick skin over the years when it came to ignoring the haters but he knew that this man was no hater, he was a tractor lover and had Terry's best interests at heart.
After a couple of days of deep thought and soul searching Terry made his decision. The posters were ripped down, the bed spread put on ebay, the toys sent to a local charity shop. It was done. He was now a man.
Somewhat perplexed by his sudden lack of tractor entertainment options Terry decided to visit a pub for the first time. He wandered in, ordered a pint and took up residence in the corner of the pub.
Shortly after arriving Terry noticed a bit of commotion over by the bar *note this was in the days before the smoking ban*. A towel left too close to the ashtray had caught fire on a cigarette ember. Smoke rapidly began to fill the room and despite the bar staff successfully extinguishing the fire and wafting vigorously they were soon left with no option but to order everyone out of the bar.
Just as people began to leave Terry stood up. "wait" he shouted, everyone watched as he ran over to where the smoke was the thickest and took in a huge breath inhaling all the smoke! He then ran to the window, opened it and blew all the smoke outside before returning to his original seat.
"Incredible", "unbelievable", "how on earth did you do that!?" came the cries.
"Well" explained Terry "you see I'm an ex-tractor-fan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37azqv/have_you_heard_about_terry_the_tractor_lover/
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Last night, I got in touch with my inner self...

That's the last time buying cheap toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ayu9/last_night_i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self/
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Mickey Mouse hangs himself...

He doesn't die though, it's just a case of suspended animation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37awyo/mickey_mouse_hangs_himself/
%
Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.

It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ands/scientists_have_recently_created_a_new_hybrid_by/
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I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people,

But none of them works :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37akqg/i_have_a_lot_of_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
A man puts a gun against your head

What happens next will blow your mind!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37ahhy/a_man_puts_a_gun_against_your_head/
%
Ever since I've been on crutches I've been extremely depressed...

I mean I just can't stand myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37afic/ever_since_ive_been_on_crutches_ive_been/
%
What happens in a chinese restaurant when the power goes out?

It'll dim sum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37aesl/what_happens_in_a_chinese_restaurant_when_the/
%
It's funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom

Until they're flashing behind you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37a7lj/its_funny_how_red_white_and_blue_represent_freedom/
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A blonde goes to heaven.

A blonde dies and goes to heaven. There she is met by an Angel and behind the Angel are 100 steps. She is told that each step there will be another Angel who will tell her a funny joke and if she makes it to the end of the 100 steps without laughing she gets into heaven, but if she laughs she starts the 100 steps again.
So the blonde goes on the first step, the Angel tells the joke, she doesn't laugh. Same with the second step, she doesn't laugh. She makes it past all the steps without laughing.
Once in heaven, she starts laughing, God asks her "Why are you laughing" and she says "I just got the first joke". :3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37a2uv/a_blonde_goes_to_heaven/
%
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?

To find a tight seal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37a1a1/why_did_the_walrus_go_to_the_tupperware_party/
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What font is used for alphabet soup.

Times New Ramen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37a0la/what_font_is_used_for_alphabet_soup/
%
Explosive Opportunity

A British engineer started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making landmines that look like prayer mats. He says that prophets are going through the roof.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37a022/explosive_opportunity/
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What does my girlfriend have in common with a hockey game?

Blood is shed each period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/379zrh/what_does_my_girlfriend_have_in_common_with_a/
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The only PC Steve Jobs ever got...

...literally killed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/379vzk/the_only_pc_steve_jobs_ever_got/
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Joe returns home from basic training.

Joe finishes his basic training for the Army, and decides to surprise his family by coming home unannounced.  His family is shocked, but everyone is happy to have him back home.  After dinner, his mother and siblings head for bed, and Joe and his father remain at the table to have a couple beers and catch up.  The following conversation ensued:
"So Joe, how'd it go?"
"Went great Dad.  I'm in the best shape of my life, and I learned a lot" Joe replied.
"What would you say was the hardest part about training?"
"Airborne School, hands down."
"Why's that?"
Joe hesitated for a second, and said "Well, everything started off good.  I remained calm all the way up until the door in the plane opened, and it was time to jump.  I was first in line, so I didn't have the luxury of watching others go before me.  I suddenly felt an uncontrollable wave of fear come over me.  When the light turned green, I turned to my commanding officer and told him that I just couldn't do it.."
"Ok.." his father replied, as his eyebrow lifted from confusion.  "So, what happened?"
"My commanding officer walked up to me, pulled his cigar from his mouth and threw it off my helmet.  With spit spraying from his mouth he screamed "PRIVATE, IF YOU DON'T JUMP OUT OF THIS GOD DAMN PLANE, I'M GOING TO SHOVE MY BIG BLACK DICK SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A BACKHOE TO PULL IT OUT!""
There was a long pause.
"...Did you jump?" his father asked.
Joe nodded mildly, looked up at his father and said, "A little".
Sorry for any grammar mistakes.  My Uncle Rick told this one (and a few others to be posted this week) yesterday during a family picnic and I had to share.  Thanks for reading!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/379qoz/joe_returns_home_from_basic_training/
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I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/379q7a/im_not_saying_its_a_mistake_letting_my_girlfriend/
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Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.

Poison the fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/379px3/give_a_man_a_fish_hell_eat_for_a_day/
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A man was going for a holiday to Acapulco, Mexico...

But since he does not speak any Spanish, he is a bit worried if he will be alright.
He talks to an old friend about his worries and the friend tells him "Don't worry! Spanish is not so hard to speak. Many words are similar to english, so if you just speak slowly enough, I'm sure they will understand."
Assured, the man goes on holiday and arrives at his hotel. He goes up to the reception desk and the clerk greets him: "Hola, senor."
The man decides to try his Spanish speaking skills and very, very slowly says "Hell-o. I. Would. Like. To. Have. A. Room. Please."
The clerk realizes the man is speaking English, but very slowly, and assumes that maybe this man is a bit slow in the head, so not wanting to embarrass him the clerk answers back, just as slowly: "Of-course. Would. You. Like. Sea. View. Or. Gar-den. View?"
"*Oh, this works great!*" thinks the man to himself and responds: "Sea. View. Please."
"Smo-ker. Or. Non. Smo-ker?" the clerks inquires.
"Non. Smo-ker." answers the man, happy with how well speaking Spanish is going.
The clerk asks "Are. You. A-me-ri-can?"
The man answers "Yes. I. Am."
The clerk tells him "Won-der-ful! I. Stud-ied. Ho-tel. Ma-nage-ment. In. Ca-li-for-ni-a. And. Learned. To. Speak. Eng-lish. There."
Realising the clerk knows English, the man then leans forward and asks: "Then. Why. Are. We. Spea-king. Spa-nish. To. Each. O-ther?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/379pns/a_man_was_going_for_a_holiday_to_acapulco_mexico/
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What did the fish say when he accidentally swam into a wall?

Oh dam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/379pkb/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_accidentally_swam/
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A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago."
The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thught about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."
The Nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking "this is incredible. I've got to try this again."
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind." Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again."
She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/379p8w/a_nun_was_sitting_at_the_airport_waiting_for_her/
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I've been told that I'm very condescending

That means I talk down to people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/379k6a/ive_been_told_that_im_very_condescending/
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What Do You Call A Gay Boxer?

"Fruit Punch".
I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/379h5f/what_do_you_call_a_gay_boxer/
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A crossdresser, a vegan and an athiest walk into a bar

I only know because it's reposted every week

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/379eyz/a_crossdresser_a_vegan_and_an_athiest_walk_into_a/
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How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But it takes about 8-10 visits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3794p1/how_many_chiropractors_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Where do cows go when they die?

Burgertory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3794b8/where_do_cows_go_when_they_die/
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I like to do my laundry naked so that all my clothes are clean.

Unfortunately, the patrons at the laundromat don't seem to agree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3793r4/i_like_to_do_my_laundry_naked_so_that_all_my/
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3793aj/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
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They say 99% of the population is stupid...

I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3791hy/they_say_99_of_the_population_is_stupid/
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Bully Big John

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.
No problems for the first few stops-a few People got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, Built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the Driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was.
Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not??"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a Bus pass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378yr9/bully_big_john/
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What is a Mexican bodybuilder's favorite supplement?

Güey protein.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378s6d/what_is_a_mexican_bodybuilders_favorite_supplement/
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A Blonde Paints Her House

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378rlx/a_blonde_paints_her_house/
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3 girls are sitting at a bar...

arguing over who has the biggest vagina.  1st girl says "Oh yeah, well my boyfriend can stick his whole fist up mine", 2nd girl says "That's nothing, come talk to me when you can get two fists and a foot up there", they look over at the third girl and she is smiling as she is sliding down the stool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378qr1/3_girls_are_sitting_at_a_bar/
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A Dad finds out his Son has a new girlfriend...

He calls his Son upstairs to his bedroom and asks him to sit down.
The father says, in a very steady tone,
"Son, let me tell you a story.
There was once a dog who used to live at a train station. One day, the dog fell asleep by the railroad tracks and left his tail on one of the tracks. Of course, eventually a train rolled by and ran over his tail. The dog was surprised and awoken by this sudden jolt and turned around to see what happened to his poor tail. When he turned his head, it too, got caught under the train and killed him dead.
Do you know what the moral of this story is, Son?"
The boy seemed impatient and confused,
"No Dad, what the hell could I possibly learn from that?"
The father replies,
"Don't lose your head over a little tail."
The old man then throws his boy a pack of condoms and walks out of the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378q52/a_dad_finds_out_his_son_has_a_new_girlfriend/
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I pulled the local slag last night and took her back to my place for sex.

As I laid on the bed watching the sperm dribble out of her minge, I immediately thought to myself, "Well, at least I won't need lube."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378l8j/i_pulled_the_local_slag_last_night_and_took_her/
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Tentickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378jk9/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
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Gonna start rapping about women's rights...

Call me Feminem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378gsl/gonna_start_rapping_about_womens_rights/
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Did you hear about the guy that went to court over a stolen bag?

It was a brief case.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378gj8/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_that_went_to_court/
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What are the worst three words you could hear when you're in the middle of some passionate love making?

"Honey, I'm home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378gh6/what_are_the_worst_three_words_you_could_hear/
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A joke for Memorial Day!

At a 10 year high school reunion, a serviceman and a lawyer walk into the men's room. After using the urinal, the serviceman zips up and heads for the door. The young lawyer while using the sink states "wow, had you gone to college maybe you would have learned to wash your hands!"
The serviceman simply replies "In the military, they taught us not to get piss on our hands. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378eu8/a_joke_for_memorial_day/
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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a couple shots of whiskey.  After he downs his whiskey he notices a jar filled with coins and a couple dollar bills on top. He then asks the bartender what's the jar for and the bartender points to the big guy on the other side of the bar and says "you see that lug over there? If you can knock him out you can have the money in the jar". The patron then requests a couple more shots of whiskey.
After hammering these shots down the guy notices another jar that is filled with $1 and $5 dollar bills with a $20 on top. He then ask the bartender what's the jar for and the bartender says "did you see that dog tied up in the front on your way in here? Well it has a loose tooth but if you can yank it out you can have the money in the jar". "Oh okay" says the patron before ordering a couple more shots of whiskey.
When he finishes with these shots he notices another jar filled with $20 dollar bills and a couple $100 dollar bills on top. He then proceeds to ask the bartender what's this jar for and the bartender points to a gorgeous blonde across the bar and says "you see that blonde girl right there? Well if you can make her orgasm you get the money in the jar".
Being fairly intoxicated now the patron stumbles to his feet and staggers over to the big guy before he cold clocks him sending him to the floor. The entire bar goes silent.
The man trots out the front door and then everybody inside hears the dog squealing  bloody murder.
Minutes later the guy walks back covered in blood and drunkenly says "*Alright, now where's that blonde with the loose tooth*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378ckc/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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What did one orphan say to another?

Robin, get in the batmobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378b4n/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_another/
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A blonde walks into a bar

The man behind her just walks around it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37859z/a_blonde_walks_into_a_bar/
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If Jesus died for our sins....

Then who died for our Cos and Tans?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37838n/if_jesus_died_for_our_sins/
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What is an orphan's favourite drink?

Fosters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3781q6/what_is_an_orphans_favourite_drink/
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With how fat America is....

With how fat America is, I'm surprised their currency isn't in pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/377z8u/with_how_fat_america_is/
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Father say to son "If you keep masturbating you'll go blind."

Son replied "Dad, I'm over here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/377yza/father_say_to_son_if_you_keep_masturbating_youll/
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I wrote a song about a coal digger having sex with a 15 year old.

I call it 'A Miner in a Minor' in A minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/377xnu/i_wrote_a_song_about_a_coal_digger_having_sex/
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You have to love the spirit of innovation in this subreddit

http://i.imgur.com/Wvc6GjP.png
Update: We just had three more in just the last two hours:
http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378c8g/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/378958/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/377zdr/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/377xgh/you_have_to_love_the_spirit_of_innovation_in_this/
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The gay marriage referendum was just passed in Ireland.

The number of married gay Irish couples will be Dublin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/377x3p/the_gay_marriage_referendum_was_just_passed_in/
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Some gamers think that it's wrong to cheat...

but i think its down right left triangle up square down left square right circle cross

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/377x1z/some_gamers_think_that_its_wrong_to_cheat/
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My wife and i were happy for 20 years.

Then we met.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/377w47/my_wife_and_i_were_happy_for_20_years/
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What kind of food kills a woman's sex drive?

Wedding cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/377tnq/what_kind_of_food_kills_a_womans_sex_drive/
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Do you know the hardest part about rollerblading?

Telling your dad that you're gay..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/377sbj/do_you_know_the_hardest_part_about_rollerblading/
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My girlfriend made a call during sex...

She let me know she was having a great time and she'd be home soon. Thought that was sweet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/377lqx/my_girlfriend_made_a_call_during_sex/
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I was alphabetising my spice rack...

when I realised I have too much spare thyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/377lo1/i_was_alphabetising_my_spice_rack/
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The Hermit

A man had a tiny penis. He went to doctors,surgeons, faith healers , witch doctors etc to try and get it larger.
All their knowledge was in vain as they could do nothing about it.
A relative of his who saw this, told him about a hermit who lived on the peak of the Himalayas who had been known to cure anything.
Encouraged by this he took a trip to the Himalayas . After reaching the village at the foothills of the mountains, he climbed his way to the peak.... At the top of the peak he noticed a 10ft high brick wall surrounding it. Perplexed he walked all around the wall to find a portion where a few bricks had been pulled out to form footholds and a rope hanging over the wall. The man scaled the wall using the rope and jumped over to see an amazing sight.
A small hut with a tiny pond . He entered the hut and there he saw the hermit. The hermit was in deep meditation and was irked by his disturbance. The man lay prostrate and narrated his problem with folded hands. The hermit took pity on him and told him " My son, dip your dick twice in the magical pond and you shall receive what you need". The man hurridly rushed out to do as the hermit said and Lo! he now had 13 inch long weiner! Excited he scaled down the mountains and spent his night at the village brothel.
After exhausting all the women in brothel he proceeded the next day to visit the hermit and thank him. He climbed the mountains, used the rope to scale the wall and entered the hermit's home. Overjoyed with gratitude the man thanked the hermit profusely . The man while leaving asked the Hermit that if his penis was 13 inches long how long was the Hermit's ?
The hermit replied " Check that rope again".
( p.s. this is my first post ! upvote if you like fellow redditors ! )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/377lbh/the_hermit/
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

The fact that you think that it's not society, but the light bulb that should change is problematic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3779j9/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Face and Ass...

Jack has two puppies named - "Face" and "Ass".
One fine days Jacks friend Jules comes to visit him and pleads Jack to give him one of them..
"Okay, you may take Ass with you." to which Jules replies "No, I dont want a dog with such a name, please give me Face".
Jack agrees and takes Face along with him.
A few months go by and Jack is really missing his dog..Having recently learned to use Facebook, Jack turns to it to express his feelings..
"@Jules: Whenever I look at my Ass, it reminds me of your Face"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3778cs/face_and_ass/
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Gift before the Prom

"I'm ready for my first prom daddy"
"Here, take this box son... And don't make the mistake I made"
"Whats in the box dad"
"...Condoms"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37779c/gift_before_the_prom/
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A book just fell on my head.

I only have, my-shelf to blame. :3

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37754a/a_book_just_fell_on_my_head/
%
What's the difference between a Afghanistan wedding and a terrorist training camp?

Don't ask me, I'm just the drone pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3770b9/whats_the_difference_between_a_afghanistan/
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If you are ever attacked by a mob of clowns...

go for the Juggler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37708w/if_you_are_ever_attacked_by_a_mob_of_clowns/
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Today, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparantly 'in HD' was not the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/376xvt/today_a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing...

...whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/376xiy/an_architect_an_artist_and_an_engineer_were/
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The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.
The local paper read:  **PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.**
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day the local paper headline read: **BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.**
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: **NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN** .
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headlines read:  **NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.**
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.
The next day the headlines read : **NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/376wjl/the_pastor_entered_his_donkey_in_a_race_and_it_won/
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I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/376ud9/i_told_my_girlfriend_that_she_drew_her_eyebrows/
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A guy walks into a bar...

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/376s00/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
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Steven Gerrard has had the worst ending for a Captain

Since the Titanic!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/376qrv/steven_gerrard_has_had_the_worst_ending_for_a/
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Animal jokes for kids

Here is the list of the rest of our animal jokes, puns, and riddles for children and kids:
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bull-dozer.
Q: How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
A: Build a sty-scraper!
Q: What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?
A: An udder failure.
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers!
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: Why are teddy bears never hungry?
A: They are always stuffed!
Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court!
Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
A: Ouch!
Q: Why did the snake cross the road?
A: To get to the other ssssssside!
Q: Why are fish so smart?
A: Because they live in schools.
Q: What do you call a cow that won't give milk?
A: A milk dud!
Q: When is a well dressed lion like a weed?
A: When he's a dandelion (dandy lion)
Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: Pleased to eat you.
Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
A: He felt funny!
Q: What fish only swims at night?
A: A starfish!
Q: Why is a fish easy to weigh?
A: Because it has its own scales!
Q: What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
A: An eggroll!
Q: Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
A: Because there was a KFC on the other side!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show everyone he wasn't chicken!
Q: Why did the lion spit out the clown?
A: Because he tasted funny!
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken!
Q: What animals are on legal documents?
A: Seals!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?
A: A pie-thon!
Q: What is 'out of bounds'?
A: An exhausted kangaroo!
Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a trip?
A: Bison!
Q: Why didn't the boy believe the tiger?
A: He thought it was a lion!
Q: How do bees get to school?
A: By school buzz!
Q: What do you call a bear with no ears?
A: B!
Q: What animal has more lives than a cat?
A: Frogs, they croak every night!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/376ly5/animal_jokes_for_kids/
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What do you call Professor X doing a wheelie?

Professor +
I'm sorry. lol.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/376jj2/what_do_you_call_professor_x_doing_a_wheelie/
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A Grave Encounter

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/376iqy/a_grave_encounter/
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I’ve just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/376b3j/ive_just_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome/
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So a priest and a politician go to heaven...

...and they're greeted by St. Peter.
"Well, hello there!", He says cheerfully. "Welcome to Heaven! Please, follow me and I'll escort you to where you'll be staying!"
First, He shows the priest his new home. It's a shabby apartment, and there are hundreds of identical apartments surrounding it.
"This is where you'll be staying!", He says to the priest, who is shocked at how shitty heaven is compared to how he thought it would be.
Nonetheless, he sighs and enters his apartment, which is even shittier inside.
"And as for you...", St. Peter says to the politician. "BEHOLD! Your very own mansion, twice as big as the White House! It's got fifteen bedrooms, twelve bowling alleys, sixteen indoor pools, two indoor zoos, and much, much more!"
The politician spends approximately fourteen minutes cheering, dancing, and thanking St. Peter before entering his new place.
From his window, the priest sees this. He storms out of his apartment and shoves St. Peter before saying, "What the fuck, man?! I devoted my entire fucking life to your gay religion and I get a gayass apartment while that lousy motherfucker gets a fucking MANSION? Explain now!".
St. Peter merely chuckles and says, "You know how many fuckin' priests come here? Thousands! Meanwhile, that guy's the first politician that ever made it here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/376aib/so_a_priest_and_a_politician_go_to_heaven/
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Comic Sans walks into a bar.

The bartender yells, "we don't serve your type in here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3769a1/comic_sans_walks_into_a_bar/
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The Vocabulary Theater is now open!

I heard they have a clever word play!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37673x/the_vocabulary_theater_is_now_open/
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[OC] I've got a broken yo-yo for sale.

Anyone want to buy it?
No strings attached

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3764rl/oc_ive_got_a_broken_yoyo_for_sale/
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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Japanese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman says to the Italian "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Asian "You're in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while." Later when the foreman returns he sees Nothing's done. He says to the Italian "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" "I no gotta broom. You tella da guy he inna charge of a supplies, but he go an I could no finda him!" Then asks the Scot "Didn't I tell you to shovel?" "Aye, ye did, laddie, but I couldna get meself a shovel. I canna find where the supplies man is aboot!" The foreman is really angry now and storms off looking for the Asian. Just then the Japanese guy springs out and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37619r/an_italian_a_scotsman_and_a_japanese_man_are/
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Dark humor is a lot like fresh drinking water...

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3760iz/dark_humor_is_a_lot_like_fresh_drinking_water/
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Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/375zit/why_does_a_chicken_coop_only_have_2_doors/
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Fire Truck

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/375ysd/fire_truck/
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Why are there windows on the back of French Tanks?

So they can watch the battle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/375y9z/why_are_there_windows_on_the_back_of_french_tanks/
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What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/375wem/what_do_you_call_a_fat_girl_with_a_rape_whistle/
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I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently that's not something you should say to a cancer patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/375tav/i_told_my_wife_shed_look_sexier_with_her_hair_back/
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I poured my root beer into a square cup

Now I've just got beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/375s6k/i_poured_my_root_beer_into_a_square_cup/
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Helen Keler walked into a bar

then a table.....then a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/375nun/helen_keler_walked_into_a_bar/
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Why's it so hard to find marathon and triathlon reviews in Germany?

Well, you know what happened last time they picked a race...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/375nlm/whys_it_so_hard_to_find_marathon_and_triathlon/
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One day...

I'll look up what procrastination means.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/375mur/one_day/
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The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked...

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the
entire length looking for a seat.
There seemed to be one
next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there,
he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary
Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My precious little Fifi is using
that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat
available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit
down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also
arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up
the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in
his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you
Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on
the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have
thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
Happy Memorial Day
Semper Fi
Also, when I say Happy Memorial Day, it is a meaning of respect just to say those words. I'm not trying to make this out to be the barbecue day that most think it is, I tell everyone Happy Memorial Day as a remembrance of those who have paid the ultimate sacrifice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/375i0o/the_train_was_quite_crowded_and_a_u_s_marine/
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A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."
The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.
"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/375hfe/a_guy_calls_911_and_says_i_hit_a_pig_on_the_side/
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An american, a brit and a mexican are on a plane.

The brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!". The mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!". The american proceeds to throw the mexican out of the plane.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the brit. The american turned around. "He killed my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/375gmu/an_american_a_brit_and_a_mexican_are_on_a_plane/
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I used to have an imaginary girlfriend but she left me for my best friend.

Apparently he had a bigger imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/375fyl/i_used_to_have_an_imaginary_girlfriend_but_she/
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Got a job cleaning up leaves.

I was raking it in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/375ax3/got_a_job_cleaning_up_leaves/
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What do you call a row of women all arranged in order of attractiveness? [oc]

A broad spectrum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37581m/what_do_you_call_a_row_of_women_all_arranged_in/
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Dear Dairy

There sure are a lot of cows around here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3757cb/dear_dairy/
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The noise

A travelling salesman is driving along a dusty backroad to his next sale, when his car starts belching smoke. He sees storm clouds coming his way and night is falling soon. Getting out of the car he looks around for shelter and sees an antiquated old monastery on a hill not 5 minutes walk away. He heads over and knocks on the door just as the rain starts falling and a kindly monk answers.
"Hi, my car is broken down on the road" says the salesman, "and I see a storm coming in. Can I stay the night and call a tow truck in the morning? I won't be any trouble..."
"not at all my good man" the kindly monk replied, "Come in! Come in! Lets get you a hot meal and some dry clothes!"
So the salesman is ushered into the church and given a wonderful bowl of hearty stew and bread to eat. Not realizing his hunger before the salesman devours the food in between words of thanks.
"I don't know how I can repay you people..."
"well actually" said the kindly monk who answered the door, "our abbot bores so easily in the realitive solitude of our church, and he loves to talk with travelers"
"of course!" replied the salesman, "in return for this hospitality its the least i could do"
So the kindly monk leads the salesman deeper into the monastery and as he does he hears the faintest sound...
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
But the salesman thinks its just the storm outside making noise and pays it no mind. He reaches the abbots quarters and meets a man seemingly as ancient as the building he runs who greets him with a smile and firm handshake.
The two speak to each other at length with hours seeming like minutes as the storm pounds the outside, and all the while the man hears that same noise...
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
Eventually the conversation draws to a natural end and the abbot looks over the salesman's shoulder.
"good heavens, look at the time. we both should get some rest" the abbot commented, "the brother you met before will take you to your chambers for the night"
And so the salesman is taken to his spartan looking accommodations, and just as the kindly monk is leaving the room the salesman asks,
"by the way, i keep hearing this strange thumping sound all the time. Its that normal? What is that?"
The monk looks down at his feet, and for the first time since the salesman came into the monastery the smile falls from his face. He quickly stares at the floor and stammers,
"I-I-I don't know what you're talking about. Sleep well." Slamming the door behind him.
The salesmans sleep is restless as now the same sound as before stays next to him, breathing on his neck....
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
When dawn breaks the salesman calls a tow truck, and while waiting says his goodbyes and thank yous. Finally when the tow truck arrives he turns to the abbot and says,
"thank you so much for everything again, but I must ask; what is that strange thudding noise I hear? The storm is over yet I heard it clearly all night?"
The monk gains a sudden steel in his eyes and locks them dead onto the salesman.
"I can't tell you, you're not a monk."
And with that, bids him farewell.
The salesman finishes his route without incident, and heads home to his wife and child. But incessantly, as if by hearing it he could no longer un-hear it, at the quietest moments in his life, the salesman hears a soft
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
The seasons pass into years and the years pass into decades. The mans son grows and leaves to be his own man, and after decades of bliss the mans wife passes away peacefully in his arms one morning. As the life leaves his loves eyes the only sound heard is a simple
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
With a life now emptier the thudding becomes constant, unceasing, droning. When he sleeps, eats, shits
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
Finally, standing it no longer the man drives all day and night to the same dirt road he so happened to break down upon and every mile, every town he passes as constant as the odometer
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
Finally he reaches the monastery and knocks on the door and just as before a fresh faced kinly monk answers.
"I WISH TO JOIN YOUR ORDER" the man blurts before the monk can say anything. The monk gains a knowing smile and says no more, beckoning the man to follow him.
He leads the man on the same path he took those years and years before and directs him into the abbots room. Inside is the same man as the night he stayed before, looking not a day older.
"Please abbot." The man begged, "I can't stop hearing that thudding noise, night and day I can't escape it. Can't you let me know what it is?"
The abbot replies with the same steely matter-of-fact tone as he did all those years before,
"I can't tell you, you're not a monk."
"Thats what I feared your answer would be. Please then, let me become a monk so I can learn and get this sound from my head."
The abbot takes a long look, dripping with both hunger and pity and after a handful of breathes agrees."
The training is arduous and lengthy. The salesman is not a young man anymore and the demands, moth mental and physical task him to the core of his very being. He sleeps on stone, reads nothing but the texts of the obscure religious sect he wishes to join and eats nothing but gruel and through every minute, every blister, every headache, every pang of hunger the sound is there.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
Finally after several years worth of trails the man finally is ready to be inducted. The moment after the ceremony inducting him is complete he bolts to the chambers of the abbot.
"There, I did it. I'm a member of the order. NOW TELL ME WHAT THAT NOISE IS."
"Are you sure you wish to know?" the abbot grimaces, "It will change the way you think of not just the order, or me, but everything."
"Yes!" the man cries "I've never been more sure of anything in my life!"
"Very well" replied the abbot. And with that the sound in the mans head lessened, as if the promise curiosity being fed was able to sate the beast, even if for a moment. But still, even though quieter it was still present.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
The abbot pulls a seemingly random book off the shelf behind him, and opens it. He reveals it to be hollow and pulls a monstrous set of keys from it and tucks them into his sleeve. He then pulls another book from the shelf and the shelf splits in half and opens like the doors in a supermarket with the sound of the grinding of ancient stone. Where the shelves used to be there is a door made of iron. The abbot pulls the set of keys out with an iron key extended, opens the door and swings it aside. As the man follows the abbot into the path behind the door he notices the sound getting louder.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
They walk along a dark and musty path, the air like a forgotten wine cellar or crypt with the abbot wordlessly staring forward with grim purpose. He reaches the next door, a door made of polished bronze, reflecting as perfectly as a mirror. He pulls out a bronze key from the keyring in his sleeve and opens the door. Sure enough as the man passes though, a little louder this time
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
After the bronze door came a staircase, down and down and down it went, until it seemed that they were descending into hell itself. Winding stairs, spiral stairs, branching stairs leading to nowhere and yet the two marched on, reaching a silver door. The abbot pulled out a silver key and as before set the door aside, making the sound ever louder.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
And then, it was time to climb. Yet the abbot, a man of innumerable years climbed as surefooted as a goat while the salesman followed behind, exhausted but determined not to give up now. At the apex of the climb, a door of gold was before them. The abbot then pulled a gold key, and in the grim routine as before, the door fell aside and the sound became ever louder. It seemed to be right next to them, a tangible force. A third person on this bizarre trek.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
After the golden door came a maze. Dizzying and seemingly endless, the abbot had no hesitation in his step and never second guessed himself. Hours passed in the maze as hours had passed in all the paths before and yet without ever turning around the abbot and the salesman reached a platinum door. As you can guess, platinum key, door, noise.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
As the man walked into the next door he hesitated for the first time on his trip. The walls themselves seemed to be alive, screaming things in alien tongues as if the brick and mortar where being tortured. Grotesque faces in the masonry screamed as if every injustice upon earth was being visited upon them and yet somehow they could not drown out that sound, pounding louder than it ever had.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
After the hours that seemed of days in the pathway that screamed ceaselessly they reached a door, red and pulsing, as if made of some sort of flesh. The abbot pulled out a bony, fleshy....something from his keyring and inserted it into the door. All at once the walls stopped screaming, the flesh melted into nothing on the floor and the sound grew terrible and great. Louder and unchanged.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
Behind the former wall of flesh was not another passage but a box. Wooden small and humble. The abbot pulled out one final key of wood and unlocked and opened the box. As he pulled the box open the sound became deafeningly loud and the man finally looked inside and gave a horrified scream.
And I'd love to tell you what was inside, but you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3753ry/the_noise/
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My sex life is like a Ferrari..

I don't have a Ferrari

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37516h/my_sex_life_is_like_a_ferrari/
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What did the duck say to the prostitute?

Put it on my bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/374yql/what_did_the_duck_say_to_the_prostitute/
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I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time...

I will smash my radio. Don't believe me? Just watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/374yj2/i_swear_if_i_hear_uptown_funk_one_more_time/
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Kim Jong-un has promised a new clear future for North Korea

Oops, I spelled nuclear wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/374y9u/kim_jongun_has_promised_a_new_clear_future_for/
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What's The Difference Between Snowmen, & Snow Women?

Snowballs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/374wtz/whats_the_difference_between_snowmen_snow_women/
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What do you call a promiscuous hippy?

Whore-ganic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/374rl1/what_do_you_call_a_promiscuous_hippy/
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I had a job interview today, the interviewer asked me where I saw myself in 5 years.

Luckily, I have 2020 vision.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/374rfn/i_had_a_job_interview_today_the_interviewer_asked/
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Bye Mom!

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ?
It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $1257.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/374p3v/bye_mom/
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A blond walks into a doctors office

One day a blonde walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor asks her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other." "The bastard called again"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/374mf4/a_blond_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
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I went for a run....

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/374iqn/i_went_for_a_run/
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When Vladimir Putin left his home as a teenager he told his dad:

"You are now the man of the house."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/374io7/when_vladimir_putin_left_his_home_as_a_teenager/
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A dairy farmer runs into his neighbor at the feed store...

"How's everything going?" the neighbor asks.
"Not too bad" the farmer replies, "but a couple of of my cows have had terrible flatulence lately; the smell is almost too much to bear."
The neighbor laughs, "I know what you mean.  A few years ago one of my horses had the very same problem.  Stunk up the whole damn barn."
"What did you do about it? Change his diet?"
"No", the neighbor says. "I mixed two tablespoons of turpentine in for each gallon of his drinking water."
The next morning the farmer calls his neighbor"I tried your turpentine trick, and when I woke up, all my cows were all dead!"
"How strange" says the neighbor. "That's exactly what happened with my horse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/374ib1/a_dairy_farmer_runs_into_his_neighbor_at_the_feed/
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How do you get beer from root beer?

You pour it in a square glass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/374gcn/how_do_you_get_beer_from_root_beer/
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How do you pronounce "nihilism?"

It doesn't matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/374f11/how_do_you_pronounce_nihilism/
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Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants:

1. Weigh less than the animals they represent
2.
3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/374ctx/rules_for_wearing_animal_print_yoga_pants/
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With great power comes..

An expensive electricity bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3747xk/with_great_power_comes/
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What did the dick say to the condom?

Cover me I'm going in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3745h7/what_did_the_dick_say_to_the_condom/
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What is brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3744dt/what_is_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
I told my grandpa he should wear his hearing aids

but he won't listen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3743xd/i_told_my_grandpa_he_should_wear_his_hearing_aids/
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What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3741wi/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_got_stepped_on/
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A cucumber made a dill with the devil.

He's in quite a pickle now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373y6m/a_cucumber_made_a_dill_with_the_devil/
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A boy to a girl: - "Let’s play the firetruck game."

- "How do we play?"
- "I run my fingers up your leg, and you say 'Red light' when you want me to stop."
- "Okay."
*Few seconds later*
- "Red light!"
- "Firetrucks don’t stop for red lights."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373wbv/a_boy_to_a_girl_lets_play_the_firetruck_game/
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How was copper wire invented?

Someone threw a penny between two jews

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373vwt/how_was_copper_wire_invented/
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So a man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap

The psychiatrist looks up at him and says " I can clearly see your nuts"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373vbe/so_a_man_walks_into_a_psychiatrists_office/
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I ain't got much but I can keep dry.

Which is more than moist people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373tke/i_aint_got_much_but_i_can_keep_dry/
%
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,
"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "
"Do you expect me to talk? "
"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373prb/james_bond_hits_upon_hard_times_and_finds_himself/
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who's the married one?

At class, the teacher explains that there are three birds on a wire. A hunter shoots, once. She asks how many birds are left on the wire.
"None", says Johnny, "because he missed the shot and all of the birds got scared and flew away."
She says that was not the answer she was expecting, but she likes his answer. Then Johnny asks:
"There are three ladies on a bench at the park, enjoying popsicles. The first one is licking, the second one is sucking, and the third one is biting the popsicle... Which one is married?"
The teacher blushes, hesitates, and says "the one who's biting her popsicle?"
Johnny replies "It's the one wearing a ring, but I like your answer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373ow7/whos_the_married_one/
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"What's life like in North Korea?"

"Oh, I can't complain."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373lxa/whats_life_like_in_north_korea/
%
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373k5j/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/
%
Do you know what a woman says in the bedroom when she sees a big dick?

No, me neither.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373f1h/do_you_know_what_a_woman_says_in_the_bedroom_when/
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I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373dmv/i_lent_a_hot_girl_my_umbrella_yesterday/
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In light of all the recent blond jokes...

Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373d2y/in_light_of_all_the_recent_blond_jokes/
%
If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now?

A math problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373d18/if_i_had_a_dozen_muffins_and_carlos_took_13_away/
%
(NSFW) I heard that Research In Motion, the company that makes BlackBerry phones, is hiring.

So I ran a Google search on RIM Jobs. And you know what? I don't think I'm cut out for this line of work after all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373cv1/nsfw_i_heard_that_research_in_motion_the_company/
%
I call my girlfriend Dumbledore

Because she's the real headmaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373c7e/i_call_my_girlfriend_dumbledore/
%
What's Irish and sits in the sun?

Paddy O'Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3738wz/whats_irish_and_sits_in_the_sun/
%
I like my coffee like I like my women

Sent back for not being hot enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3732sr/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
%
why did the orange fail school?

It couldn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3731af/why_did_the_orange_fail_school/
%
Two men across the world from each other are doing completely different things: one is skywalking on a rope over an abyss, and another is getting a blowjob from a 90 year old. What are they both thinking?

Don't look down!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372yk8/two_men_across_the_world_from_each_other_are/
%
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were all stuck on an island with cannibals

. The cannibals said, "if you do what we say, we wont kill you". so the 3 girls followed the orders the cannibals.
So the cannibals said, "go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of the first fruit you see".
So the redhead came back out of the forest with 10 apples. the cannibals said, "put the apples up your ass without making a facial expression". The redhead made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed her.
Then the brunette came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. the cannibals said, "put the cherries up your ass without making a facial expression". One by one she started putting the cherries up her ass. She then started laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed her.
In heaven, the redhead asked the brunette "why did you start laughing? You almost made it". The brunette replied, "i saw the blonde come out with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372wch/a_blond_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_were_all_stuck/
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Answering machine message

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372vsc/answering_machine_message/
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Running a special this week.....

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The priest asks, 'What did you do?'
The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'
The priest says, 'How many times?'
And the woman replies, 'Three.'
Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'
'What did you do?'
‘I committed adultery.'
'How many times?'
'Three times.'
The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'
The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'
The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'
The woman replies, 'Once.'
The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372v90/running_a_special_this_week/
%
Kim Jong Un recently banned the blues scale...

He hates Seoul music

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372skh/kim_jong_un_recently_banned_the_blues_scale/
%
What do you call a natural blonde who dyes her hair?

Artificial intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372sjb/what_do_you_call_a_natural_blonde_who_dyes_her/
%
What are two things dinosaurs can't have for dinner?

Breakfast and lunch.
I'll show myself out now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372pbz/what_are_two_things_dinosaurs_cant_have_for_dinner/
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What do you call an Irishman who bounces off of walls?

Rick O'Shea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372oxf/what_do_you_call_an_irishman_who_bounces_off_of/
%
What are the names of the first two men to get married under the new Irish gay marriage law?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372lsg/what_are_the_names_of_the_first_two_men_to_get/
%
Why Aren't There Riots When White People Get Killed?

Because white people have work in the morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372j7z/why_arent_there_riots_when_white_people_get_killed/
%
My wife tells me my conspiracy theory obsession is getting out of control..

I wonder how much the government paid her to say that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372il7/my_wife_tells_me_my_conspiracy_theory_obsession/
%
One of my Dad's favourite jokes.

A man goes to a restaurant and orders the soup.
Shortly after he begins to eat, he drops his spoon.  Immediately, his waiter appears and pulls a brand new spoon out of his pocket.  The man is impressed.
"It's lucky you had a spoon on you," he remarks.
"Oh, no, we all carry spoons," said the man.  "The owner of the place is German and he insists that we are all efficient as possible.  By carrying spoons with us, we reduce trips to the kitchen and can spend more time waiting on customers."
The diner is even more impressed.
After the meal, while leaving a tip, he sees the waiter walk past.  Discreetly, he grabs the waiter and murmurs, "Sorry, son, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replies, "Yes, we all do. Another efficiency measure.  We used to each spend a minute or more washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the owner gave us all strings to tie to the end of our penises. When we need to go, we simply pull the string to get it out and then return to work.  See, if we don't touch ourselves, we don't need to wash our hands, and we can spend less time in the men's room and more time waiting on the customers."
"Huh," says the diner.  "But wait a minute.  How do you get it back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372fdv/one_of_my_dads_favourite_jokes/
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Us Australians are a sensitive bunch

Three Aussie blokes named Mongrel, Coot and Bluey, were working high up on an
outback mobile phone tower.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says,
"Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife".
Mongrel says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bluey says, "Where'd you get the beer Mongrel?"
"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongrel replies.
"That's unbelievable, you actually told his missus her husband was dead and
she gave you a case of beer!"
"Well, not exactly", Mongrel says.
When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken .... I'm not a widow."
Then I said, "I'll betcha a case of beer you are."
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372exo/us_australians_are_a_sensitive_bunch/
%
So two cannibals are sitting in a forest, and one of them says to the other, "Gee, I really hate my step-mom."

The other one replies "Well why don't you try the potatoes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372ejq/so_two_cannibals_are_sitting_in_a_forest_and_one/
%
What's brown, black and blue and lays at the bottom of a ditch?

A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372ddd/whats_brown_black_and_blue_and_lays_at_the_bottom/
%
Sir you don't need to be tailgating me I'm already going 55mph in a 35mph zone

And the lights on top of your car look ridiculous

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/372c3v/sir_you_dont_need_to_be_tailgating_me_im_already/
%
My girlfriend doesn't want to drop acid with me.

She's acting like a basic bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/371y69/my_girlfriend_doesnt_want_to_drop_acid_with_me/
%
How many black people does it take to start a riot?

-1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/371qyz/how_many_black_people_does_it_take_to_start_a_riot/
%
I beat my girlfriend at dominos the other night.

She needs to learn that *I* choose the pizza toppings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/371fgt/i_beat_my_girlfriend_at_dominos_the_other_night/
%
If I ever wanted to kill myself...

climbing up your ego and jumping down to your IQ level would get the job done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/371cwm/if_i_ever_wanted_to_kill_myself/
%
The biggest lie told on the internet

'I have read and understand the terms and conditions'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/371cv5/the_biggest_lie_told_on_the_internet/
%
A cowboy walks into a bar...

And orders a beer. He drinks it, pays the bartender and walks out. 3 seconds later he bursts back in and yells "WHICH ONE OF YOU STOLE MAH HOSS!?". There's no reply. " AH'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T OUTSIDE WHEN I'M FINISHED, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!". He has his second beer, walks outside and sees his horse hitched back up outside the bar. As he gets up on to the horse, the bartender wanders out and asks, "Say, pardner, what *did* you do in Texas?". To which the cowboy replies, " I had to bloody walk home".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3715h7/a_cowboy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5,6 come before 1,2,3?

Because in charge of planning, yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3714tk/why_did_star_wars_episodes_456_come_before_123/
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My wife ran away with my best friend.

I really miss him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3714a2/my_wife_ran_away_with_my_best_friend/
%
A man walks into the bar and sees a sign:

Handjob: $5
Cheese sandwich: $2
He walks over to the bartender, a big boobied blonde, and asks,
“Are you the one giving out handjobs?”
“Why yes I am!”, she replied, smiling and sticking out her chest.
“Okay,” he said.
“Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37137v/a_man_walks_into_the_bar_and_sees_a_sign/
%
Deaf sex...

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3710yq/deaf_sex/
%
I used the toilet just after my wife and noticed that her shit really does smell of roses.

Hardly surprising. She's polished off four tins of the fuckers in the last two days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3710px/i_used_the_toilet_just_after_my_wife_and_noticed/
%
A week before Abraham Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland...

A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3710gj/a_week_before_abraham_lincoln_was_shot_he_was_in/
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You should invest in Helium

It's only going to go up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/370zzh/you_should_invest_in_helium/
%
I met a girl with 12 nipples

Which sounds funny, dozen tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/370yyi/i_met_a_girl_with_12_nipples/
%
Whats the difference between Usain bolt and Hitler?

Usain bolt can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/370w63/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
%
Blonde is pulled over by a blonde cop..

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too.'
http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/auto-blondes-officer-driver-200267.jpeg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/370w21/blonde_is_pulled_over_by_a_blonde_cop/
%
Last week I dropped my camera into the toilet

The pictures were even shittier than usual

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/370vw8/last_week_i_dropped_my_camera_into_the_toilet/
%
16 sodiums walk into a bar followed by Bruce Wayne

Nananananananananananananananana BATMAN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/370ubt/16_sodiums_walk_into_a_bar_followed_by_bruce_wayne/
%
Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the crap out of their dogs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/370slo/why_dont_blind_people_go_skydiving/
%
People say I'm a plagiarist

Their word, not mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/370lbf/people_say_im_a_plagiarist/
%
How do you cook eggs found on someone else's property?

You poach them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/370j2h/how_do_you_cook_eggs_found_on_someone_elses/
%
A termite walks into a bar...

Is the bar tender here?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/370cge/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
%
If it ever becomes illegal to wear a veil to work ....

beekeepers will be furious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/370cdw/if_it_ever_becomes_illegal_to_wear_a_veil_to_work/
%
Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's very time consuming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37099e/have_you_ever_tried_eating_a_clock/
%
Talking about planets with my nephew.

He asked if you could Plow thru Uranus because it's all gas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/370733/talking_about_planets_with_my_nephew/
%
Why are most selfies taken in the bathroom?

Cause that's where the shit belongs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3701kw/why_are_most_selfies_taken_in_the_bathroom/
%
A pineapple and a grapefruit fell in love

But they're unhappy 'cause they cantaloupe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37011b/a_pineapple_and_a_grapefruit_fell_in_love/
%
What's the difference between me and my couch?

My couch pulls out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36zzcf/whats_the_difference_between_me_and_my_couch/
%
What does a cheetah call Usain Bolt?

Fast food

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36zycv/what_does_a_cheetah_call_usain_bolt/
%
Just bought a book "Jokes about Captain Obvious".

It's full of Captain Obvious jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36zxto/just_bought_a_book_jokes_about_captain_obvious/
%
How many men does it take to open a beer?

None... It should be opened when she brings it to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36zu8e/how_many_men_does_it_take_to_open_a_beer/
%
Romanian joke: A cannibal and his son

go hunting for human meat. They come across a clearing and see a super hot chick bending down to get water from a river. The kid goes "dad, are we gonna eat her?" Cannibal dad goes "fuck no, we're taking her home. We'll eat your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36zr8o/romanian_joke_a_cannibal_and_his_son/
%
A plane's engine cuts out and starts to fall from the sky

Everyone on the plane starts to freak out and lose their shit.  A gorgeous woman stands up and asks, "Is there a man here that can make me feel like a real woman before we die?"  Graciously, a well fit man stands up and starts to walk towards the woman while unbuttoning his shirt.  He throws his shirt towards her san says, "here, iron this."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36znpy/a_planes_engine_cuts_out_and_starts_to_fall_from/
%
A cop was patrolling late at night....

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says, "What are you doing?" The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night on Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?" The young man says, "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks, "And her what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes .

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36zlmm/a_cop_was_patrolling_late_at_night/
%
Few months ago I was involved in an accident

which left half of my entire body paralyzed. I am all right now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36zl5w/few_months_ago_i_was_involved_in_an_accident/
%
What happens to lawyers after they die?

They lie still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36zill/what_happens_to_lawyers_after_they_die/
%
Son, as a reward for graduating high-school at the top of your class, we've decided to pool or money and send you abroad!

Son: Is she hot?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36z7h9/son_as_a_reward_for_graduating_highschool_at_the/
%
My wife gave me a brochure on anger management the other day.

I lost it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36z3c8/my_wife_gave_me_a_brochure_on_anger_management/
%
What's a crime that doesn't exist now, but might become illegal in 100+ years?

Posting this question to r/askreddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36z2wq/whats_a_crime_that_doesnt_exist_now_but_might/
%
Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36z2ei/blonde_boards_a_airplane/
%
I phoned my insurance agent earlier and asked him for a quote.

He said " I have nothing to declare but my genius. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".
I replied "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36z0ks/i_phoned_my_insurance_agent_earlier_and_asked_him/
%
‘Do you have a vagina?’

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there
He asks the lady,
‘Do you have a vagina?’
She slams the door .He does the same thing nect morning.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
‘Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.’
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.’
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
‘Do you have vagina’?
‘Yes, actually I have one,’ she says.
The man replies..
‘Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36yxya/do_you_have_a_vagina/
%
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ytex/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
%
Man goes to doctor.

Says he's depressed.
Says life seems harsh and cruel.
Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.
Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears.
Says "But, doctor...
"...I am Pagliacci."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ysyo/man_goes_to_doctor/
%
I called my boss and told him "the roads are blocked

so I'll be redditing from home today"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36yqw4/i_called_my_boss_and_told_him_the_roads_are/
%
What does Snoop Dogg eat when he visits Germany?

Schiznitzel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36yqgq/what_does_snoop_dogg_eat_when_he_visits_germany/
%
Two handicapped men walk into a bar...

PRAISE THE LORD!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36yop2/two_handicapped_men_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A Jewish dilemma?

Free ham

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36yo1g/a_jewish_dilemma/
%
I try not to criticize those who practice incest

After all, it's all relative.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ympk/i_try_not_to_criticize_those_who_practice_incest/
%
Who's the only living relative of penguin?

His Aunt Arctica

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ykz7/whos_the_only_living_relative_of_penguin/
%
How many children did Josh Duggar molest?

19 kids and counting.
Too soon?  :/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36y9nu/how_many_children_did_josh_duggar_molest/
%
A kiss will make her day

But anal will make her hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36y7e7/a_kiss_will_make_her_day/
%
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36y513/whats_the_difference_between_an_oral_thermometer/
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Steve Irwin died as he lived...

With nature in his heart

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36y1gt/steve_irwin_died_as_he_lived/
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I stopped going to my colorblind therapist.

He could never tell when I was blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36y1gd/i_stopped_going_to_my_colorblind_therapist/
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What do you call an alligator who's wearing a vest?

An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36xrvs/what_do_you_call_an_alligator_whos_wearing_a_vest/
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My favorite clean joke

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36xqgc/my_favorite_clean_joke/
%
What's Hodor's favorite cereal?

Raisin Bran

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36xqf7/whats_hodors_favorite_cereal/
%
Why did prince Oxygen inherit the throne after the king died?

Because he was the rightful heir

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36xmn9/why_did_prince_oxygen_inherit_the_throne_after/
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I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking.

He said he was busy and I'd just have to be a little patient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36xlox/i_told_the_doctor_i_had_to_see_him_right_away/
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Man gets a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

After dinner he asks his son what he did after school.
Son says he did his homework. Robot slaps son.
Son admits he was at a friend's house watching movies.
Father asks what movie did son watch.
Son says they watched Toy Story. Robot slaps son.
Son admits they were watching porn.
Father says at this age he did not even know what porn was. Robot slaps Dad.
Mother laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." Robot slaps woman.
Robot for sale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36xjbv/man_gets_a_lie_detector_robot_that_slaps_people/
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Why did Simba's father die?

He couldn't Move Fasa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36xib1/why_did_simbas_father_die/
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The truckload of penguins

A traffic cop is parked up by the side of the road, watching traffic pass. To his surprise, a flatbed truck crawls by, and the back is filled to the brim with penguins. Unsurprisingly, he wanders what the heck is going on, and immediately pulls out, tailing the truck.
He signals for the driver to pull over, and the truck pulls over onto the hard shoulder. The cop gets out and approaches the truck, keeping an eye on all of the penguins. Needless to say, he is mightily confused.
The policeman gets to the front of the truck and peers into the cab, to see a fairly innocuous middle-aged man at the wheel. The driver winds down the window and the cop asks "What on earth are you doing with all these penguins?"
The driver shrugs, not seeming too bothered.
The flustered officer pauses for a moment, and states "Alright, you need to take all these creatures to the zoo, right? Get 'em off the road, and take them to the zoo. That should sort things out."
The driver seems to enthusiastically approve, and smiles back, as if he thought that were a great idea. The officer, more than a little taken aback by the situation, notes down the truck's registration number and then gets back into his police car and drives off.
Time passes.
The next day, the road cop is back in the lay-by, watching the traffic, wandering what happened to the truckload of penguins. Suddenly, the very same truck appears again, travelling in the opposite direction. Once again, the penguins are all in the back, though this time - and he has to blink to check he's seeing it right - they've all got sunglasses on.
Confused (and a little bit concerned for his mental health), the officer pulls out and tails the truck. He signals for it to pull over and jumps out the car, preparing to give some stern words. He passes the penguins in sunglasses, gets to the cab at the front and, finding the same driver, confronts him. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you think this badge is just a joke? These penguins should *not* be on the road, and furthermore, you completely ignored what I said yesterday, which was to-"
The driver pipes up "Yeah, yeah, I took 'em to the zoo. But today, they wanna go to the beach!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36x81e/the_truckload_of_penguins/
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Monastery

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks "May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
.. But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36x2fg/monastery/
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My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long…

She’s single . . . She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door . . . I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and said, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk and have sex all night long! Are you busy tonight?”
I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free . . . I have no plans at all!”
Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36x12x/my_hot_neighbor_wanted_to_have_sex_all_night_long/
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Two guys are out golfing, an out on the back 9 they see sheep with it's head stuck in the fence. One of the two says "Look, I haven't had a woman in quite a while and that sheep is looking pretty good right now. Just don't say anything about this"

So he heads over to the sheep, pulls down his pants, and has his way with the poor animal. When he comes back to the golf cart he says to his friend "Hey, that felt pretty good. You want a turn?"
The second golfer replies "Hell yes!" and walks over and puts his head in the fence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36wyl2/two_guys_are_out_golfing_an_out_on_the_back_9/
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A 90 year old man walks into confession...

He says, "Forgive me Father, I've sinned. I slept with two beautiful, 20 year old women last night outside of wedlock."
The Father says, "Oh my Lord, when was the last time you made confession?"
He says, "I've never made confession before Father, I'm Jewish."
The Father says, "You're Jewish? Well what are you telling *me* for?"
He says, "Well, I'm telling *everybody*."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ww8l/a_90_year_old_man_walks_into_confession/
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Why did the tree install solar panels?

It wanted to be a power plant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36wvi0/why_did_the_tree_install_solar_panels/
%
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

because they always take things literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36wtjk/its_hard_to_explain_puns_to_kleptomaniacs/
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I heard it said that one in every three people will cheat in a relationship.

I just can't tell if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36wsxi/i_heard_it_said_that_one_in_every_three_people/
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Old couple goes to sex therapist

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36wprs/old_couple_goes_to_sex_therapist/
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What do you call a hooker who works for spaghetti?

A pastatute!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36wodn/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_who_works_for_spaghetti/
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Where does bad light end up?

in prism

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36wnyz/where_does_bad_light_end_up/
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[Programmer Joke] Why did the int drown?

Because he couldn't float! (Insert laughter here)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36wll2/programmer_joke_why_did_the_int_drown/
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Did you blow bubbles as a kid?

He's in town with the circus and wants you to call him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36wih7/did_you_blow_bubbles_as_a_kid/
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It takes a woman to make a man a millionaire...

...but first, he must be a billionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36wgyb/it_takes_a_woman_to_make_a_man_a_millionaire/
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Was late to my first Fight Club last night

So missed the intro rules. Still Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36weqv/was_late_to_my_first_fight_club_last_night/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36w7ht/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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I think my entire family is racist.

I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family
My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36w4jj/i_think_my_entire_family_is_racist/
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What do you call a Jewish beer?

A Hebrew

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36w3kb/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_beer/
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I told my son about the birds and the bees.

He then told me about the postman and my wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36vy1s/i_told_my_son_about_the_birds_and_the_bees/
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[Meta] Can we get length of joke flair similar to /r/TIFU

Is it possible to implement flair beside every joke that indicates the length of the jokes? /r/tifu has something to indicate this.  Personally, I like reading longer jokes and I find myself skimming through and ignoring a lot of titles that begin with "What do you" "Who" "Why does a" etc.  But even then I still end up clicking on short puns and such.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36vt95/meta_can_we_get_length_of_joke_flair_similar_to/
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Have you heard about that new movie, "The Homophobic Preacher"?

Hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36vsmp/have_you_heard_about_that_new_movie_the/
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What do you call a fellow who is over 21 and makes bad puns?

A groan man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36vn37/what_do_you_call_a_fellow_who_is_over_21_and/
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A police officer in Newfoundland happens across a gruesome scene on the side of the highway.

A police officer in Newfoundland happens across a gruesome scene on the side of the road.
He radios headquarters to send in forensics.  He then assesses the scene. It's horrible. He takes out his note pad and starts to record his observations.
He approaches the rear of the vehicle and notices a severed leg on the trunk.
*****
*- Leg on trunk*
*****
He continues to the driver's side door. He sees a bloody torso in the front passenger seat.
*****
*- Body in front driver's seat*
*****
He walks to the front of the vehicle and sees an arm laying on the hood.
*****
*- Arm on hood*
*****
He continues around the car, and sees the decapitated head of the victim laying on the boulevard.  He continues to write...
*****
*- Head on ~~Buol~~ ~~Bul~~ ~~Bolu~~*
*****
He then kicks the head!
*****
*- Head in ditch*
*****

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36vn2w/a_police_officer_in_newfoundland_happens_across_a/
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The Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36vl3t/the_past_present_and_future_walk_into_a_bar/
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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36vhuj/i_met_a_14_year_old_girl_on_the_internet/
%
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36veq3/a_husband_went_to_the_sheriffs_department_to/
%
The New Young Salesman

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, "Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?"
The man asks, "Why would I be?"
The manager replies, "Because when the lawn seed grows, youll need something to cut the grass with."
Surprisingly, the man buys a lawn mower. Then another man walks in and asks for a box of Tampax. The manager nudges the newly hired boy. The boy walks up to the man and says, "Right away, Sir. But, of course, you will be wanting a lawn mower with that, right?"
The shocked man asks, "Why?!"
The young man then replies, "Well, your weekends screwed, so you might as well mow the lawn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ve44/the_new_young_salesman/
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I'm going to start an abortion clinic...

...called "Don't Kid Yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36vcqm/im_going_to_start_an_abortion_clinic/
%
An old bloke has just got out of a time machine...

... and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.
When I get older, I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this cunt when he's younger, and force him to suck my cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36vanp/an_old_bloke_has_just_got_out_of_a_time_machine/
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Moss and Algae take a liking to each other.

Algae and a Moss took a liking to each other and soon after got married.  After a few years they realized their marriage was on the rocks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36v93e/moss_and_algae_take_a_liking_to_each_other/
%
How many germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One, we have no time for humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36v30p/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
What's the difference between a blow job and anal sex?

A blow job will make your day but anal sex will make your hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36v104/whats_the_difference_between_a_blow_job_and_anal/
%
I don't get why supermodels are considered attractive.

I mean they have the body of a 12 year old boy, but the face isn't as sexy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36uwxj/i_dont_get_why_supermodels_are_considered/
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What do the letters DNA stand for ?

National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36uwj3/what_do_the_letters_dna_stand_for/
%
Britain has invented a new missile

It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36uq2r/britain_has_invented_a_new_missile/
%
What is hairy and between your grandma's nipples?

Her vagina

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36um3w/what_is_hairy_and_between_your_grandmas_nipples/
%
What kind of bars do lesbian Eskimos go to?

Klondike Bars

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36uelu/what_kind_of_bars_do_lesbian_eskimos_go_to/
%
In a hotel lobby...

A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ue7g/in_a_hotel_lobby/
%
Want to hear a pizza joke?

It's pretty cheesy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ucld/want_to_hear_a_pizza_joke/
%
What is the best kind of plate for a continental breakfast?

... a tectonic plate!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ubr0/what_is_the_best_kind_of_plate_for_a_continental/
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How many egoists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They simply hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36uara/how_many_egoists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A bit different, this isn't a joke, but I have an idea for a joke

Basically, in the joke, there's a bride and a groom, and they are planning their wedding. The bride leaves the groom at the altar, and the ceremony goes off *without a hitch*
How can I word this joke to make it the most effective?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36u9pe/a_bit_different_this_isnt_a_joke_but_i_have_an/
%
Saw someone post this on Facebook. Got a kick out of it.

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity
generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.
I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water
utility.
After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-regulated channels to see
what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and
Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like,
using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics
and Space Administration.
I watched this while eating my breakfast of U.S. Department of
Agriculture-inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.
At the appropriate time, as regulated by the U.S. Congress and kept
accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the
U.S. Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety
Administration-approved automobile and set out to work on the roads built
by the local, state, and federal Departments of Transportation, possibly
stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the
Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank.
On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the
U.S. Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school.
After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to
the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the
Occupational Safety and Health Administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and Fire Marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables, thanks to the local police department.
And then I log on to the internet -- which was developed by the Defense
Advanced Research Projects Administration -- and post on Freerepublic.com and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36u8rh/saw_someone_post_this_on_facebook_got_a_kick_out/
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What do you call a person with a nose but no body?

Nobody knows

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36u8ff/what_do_you_call_a_person_with_a_nose_but_no_body/
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What does a Duggar girl and the Unabomber have in common?

They have both been fingered by their brother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36u7l4/what_does_a_duggar_girl_and_the_unabomber_have_in/
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Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36u6w1/teacher_if_i_gave_you_2_cats_and_another_2_cats/
%
How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and I could hear all the patients shouting, "13! 13! 13!" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting, "14! 14! 14!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36u48w/how_i_learned_to_mind_my_own_business/
%
What does DNA stand for?

The National Dyslexic Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36u2zz/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
Patient responds "pussy" to every Rorschach inkblot the shrink shows him.

Shrink says, "Well - you seem quite sex-obsessed."
Patient says "Waddya mean I'm sex-obsessed? YOU'RE the one showing the dirty pictures!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36u2a8/patient_responds_pussy_to_every_rorschach_inkblot/
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Made this up. Feels like a Steven Wright joke...

My teacher asked me to use the word "bucolic" in a sentence.
I said, "You want me to use the word 'bucolic' in a sentence?"
She replied, "Yes."
I said, "I just did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36tzxv/made_this_up_feels_like_a_steven_wright_joke/
%
What's long, brown, and sticky?

A stick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36tznx/whats_long_brown_and_sticky/
%
Did you hear the popular pickle?

He's kind of a big dill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36tz5z/did_you_hear_the_popular_pickle/
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I wanted to show you a new link

but i can't afford the latest Zelda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36tymk/i_wanted_to_show_you_a_new_link/
%
A feminist and a linguist walk into a bar

They sit down and begin a conversation.
The linguist asks, "Do you have any siblings?"
The feminist replies, "Yes, I have a sister. I'm very close with she."
The linguist, confused, tries to correct her. "Don't you mean 'with her'?"
The feminist is outraged and screams, "Stop objectifying women!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ty5g/a_feminist_and_a_linguist_walk_into_a_bar/
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What do college fish study?

Algae brah... I know it sucks but it was the only joke I've ever come up with!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ttz9/what_do_college_fish_study/
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Why is milk the fastest liquid on the planet?

It's pasteurised before you can see it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36tswh/why_is_milk_the_fastest_liquid_on_the_planet/
%
People tell me I'm confusing...

I tell them I stopped making sense when I lost my job at the mint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36tsdp/people_tell_me_im_confusing/
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Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor Bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36tn6e/apparently_someone_in_london_gets_stabbed_every/
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A man receives a text from his neighbour:

“I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.”
The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: “Damn autocorrect. I meant ‘WiFi’ not ‘wife’.” Lol

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36tlse/a_man_receives_a_text_from_his_neighbour/
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How do you make Holy Water?

Boil the Hell out of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36tkyj/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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Whats the cheapest type of meat?

Deer balls, they are under a buck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36timl/whats_the_cheapest_type_of_meat/
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Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.

As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-ack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,  "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"
The waitress leaned over the counter and says, "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttooonnns"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36thxm/two_american_tourists_were_driving_through_nova/
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A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker went to a restaurant in London.

The waiter approached the table and said, "Excuse me, but if you order the steak you might not get one, as there is a shortage". The Texan said, "What's a shortage?" The Russian said, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36thns/a_texan_a_russian_and_a_new_yorker_went_to_a/
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A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got Viagra?

Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But I've got a photograph of the wife..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ta3h/a_man_goes_into_boots_and_says_have_you_got_viagra/
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Why did the director get kicked out of the bar?

He was making a scene!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36t8wh/why_did_the_director_get_kicked_out_of_the_bar/
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Where does a polar bear keep his money?

In a snow bank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36t7j4/where_does_a_polar_bear_keep_his_money/
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Do you know why I hate drinking with blind people?

They can't handle their booze and always black-out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36t6jw/do_you_know_why_i_hate_drinking_with_blind_people/
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What is Jesus' favorite workout?

Crossfitting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36t53d/what_is_jesus_favorite_workout/
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A priest is out and about..

One day a priest is out and about in his city's downtown area and a working girl says to him "how about a blowjob, Father...only twenty bucks!" The priest replies "no, thank you, my child", but having led an ecclesiastical life, he didn't actually know what a blowjob was or why it would be worth twenty bucks, so he decided to ask someone when he got back to his parish. The first person he saw was Mother Superior, so he asked "Mother, what's a blowjob?" "Twenty bucks" she replied, "same as downtown!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36t50b/a_priest_is_out_and_about/
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They say it's really easy to get laid for gay people

Sounds like a pain in the ass to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36t325/they_say_its_really_easy_to_get_laid_for_gay/
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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

See you next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36swsq/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
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Did you hear about the clown who refined iron?

He smelt funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36sv6e/did_you_hear_about_the_clown_who_refined_iron/
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A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36sv05/a_doctor_reaches_into_his_smock_to_get_a_pen_to/
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Is the joke I made up funny or shit (my first attempt) completely original

So I was sitting in my local Chinese takeaway tonight waiting for my order when an old friend came in. I said to him "not seen you in ages, where have you been", in which he replied he had been in prison. I asked him what was he in for, to which he replied "a chicken curry with some fried rice".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36sqor/is_the_joke_i_made_up_funny_or_shit_my_first/
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An old Italian man lived alone in the country...

It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
"Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad"
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
"Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Vinnie"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
"Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36sqhh/an_old_italian_man_lived_alone_in_the_country/
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What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36sn9p/what_did_he_say_about_your_fortyfive_year_old_ass/
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Jihad balloons are my favorite

They blow themselves up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ses8/jihad_balloons_are_my_favorite/
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The devil and three doors

Phil finds himself dead and standing at the gates to hell. The devil approaches and says,  "Welcome Phillip, we've been expecting you. Allow me to explain how this works. Everyone that comes here gets an opportunity to choose how they will spend their eternity, behind one of these three doors. Go ahead and look and then come to me with your decision." So Phil opens the first door and finds a room filled with snakes slithering along the ground, and everyone in the room is standing upside down on their heads. Phil cringes and decides to open the second door, to which he finds a room filled with scorpions and, again,  everyone is standing on their heads. Phil shakes his head and goes over to the third door, where he finds a room filled with sewage, but this time everyone is standing on their feet, drinking tea and eating cookies. Phil thinks that this isn't so bad,  so he tells the devil. The devil says, "Excellent choice, Phillip!" He then leans through the door and yells, "Ok, coffee break is over, back on your heads!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36s77y/the_devil_and_three_doors/
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Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL
and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy
her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong
sex drive."
The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're kidding me!"
The social worker said:  "Yeah, well ... You started it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36s3kz/welfare_check/
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I went to a premature ejaculation support group meeting, but no one was there.

I guess I came too early.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36rzxg/i_went_to_a_premature_ejaculation_support_group/
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What does Microsoft mean when it says "about 10 seconds remaining?"

Hold on I'll tell you in 5 minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36rxab/what_does_microsoft_mean_when_it_says_about_10/
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A Farmer and his cows

A farmer counted his Cows before taking them to auction and counted 196 of them.  But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36rvpp/a_farmer_and_his_cows/
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What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

The hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36rvce/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
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Older Men Scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36rtzz/older_men_scam/
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Two engineering students were walking across campus...

...when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36rrg4/two_engineering_students_were_walking_across/
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Before you judge someone...

Walk a mile in their shoes. If you still don't like them, at least they're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36rqpm/before_you_judge_someone/
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What do you call the amount of time it takes to win an argument with a lawyer?

An attornity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36rp52/what_do_you_call_the_amount_of_time_it_takes_to/
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If I have an erection for more than 4 hours,

she is going to need to see a doctor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36rndt/if_i_have_an_erection_for_more_than_4_hours/
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A man goes into a butcher's shop

and says "I bet you 50 bucks you can't hand me the ribeye from the top shelf."
The butcher says: "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36rjaq/a_man_goes_into_a_butchers_shop/
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My wife said we each needed to make sacrifices to make our relationship work.

She was less than impressed with the dead goat I left in our kitchen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36rik3/my_wife_said_we_each_needed_to_make_sacrifices_to/
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Are you ready kids? AYE AYE CAPTAIN! I can't hear youuuu! AYE AYE CAPTAIN! Ohhhhhh, who lives with a GPA under a C?

CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS
Who's living with stress induced anxiety? CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS!
If wanting to drop out is something you wish...CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS
Then take a long nap and watch some Netflix!
COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEEEEGGEEEEE STUUUDEEEEEEEENTSSSSSS!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36rc2m/are_you_ready_kids_aye_aye_captain_i_cant_hear/
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Why couldn't the snake charmer charm his snake?

He had a reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36r74b/why_couldnt_the_snake_charmer_charm_his_snake/
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Gay Jokes Aren't Funny.

Come on guys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36r5dk/gay_jokes_arent_funny/
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History teacher: Which period did Cleopatra come from?

Me: The one her mother missed?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36r4is/history_teacher_which_period_did_cleopatra_come/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36r3uy/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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Voodoo Dildo

A Husband is about to embark on a year long business trip. He realizes that this will be a long time away from his wife. To deter her from cheating he sets out in the city one last time to find her a dildo. He searches every where and cannot find a single dildo that will keep his wife true to him. The man gives up home and walks home. On his way home he stumbles upon a strange shop and says "fuck it, why not" and goes in. Inside he finds an old lady and asks what the shop is and the old lady chuckles and says "why dear, this is a voodoo shop". The man, desperate, tells the old lady his situation, how his day was spent, and what he's looking for. The old lady says "I have just the thing!". She goes in the back room and returns with a wooden box. She opens it and inside is a dildo. The man says "I have seen many like this today, it's not what I'm looking for". He begins to walk to the door. Right as he's about to turn the door knob the old lady says "Voodoo dildo, door knob". The dildo jumps up and flies at the door knob and starts humping the shit out of it. The man spins back to the woman in amazement, exclaiming "How did you do that?!" she than explains "you must say 'voodoo dildo', followed by something for it to fuck". He asks "How do you make it stop?". She simply says "Voodoo dildo, wooden box" and the dildo stops, and flies back to the wooden box. The man excited with the find says "I'll take it!".
Right before the man leaves his house for the business trip he presents the dildo to his wife and whispers to her, "when you're ready to use this, say 'Voodoo Dildo, Vagina'" and leaves.
The wife, being curious, immediately gets naked and says "Voodoo Dildo, vagina" The dildo hops out of the box and starts fucking the living hell out of the woman. This goes on for an hour. She has orgasms multiple times, until finally she cannot take it any longer. She tries taking the dildo out but it keeps ramming her. Harder and faster. She quickly gets dressed and drives to the hospital. On the way the dildo continues to fuck her. She swerves all over the road having screaming orgasms almost every minute now. Her swerving causes a police officer to take notice and she is pulled over. The police officer walks up to her window and asks "Have you been drinking tonight?" the woman, having an orgasms as she speaks, says "No officer, there is a voodoo dildo that wont stop fucking me." To which the officer responds "Voodoo dildo, my ass".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36qz6c/voodoo_dildo/
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The Old Ball Game

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts" and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all brokeout into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing.
Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? "
The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36qybb/the_old_ball_game/
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I think Chris Brown should be a storm trooper in the next Star Wars.

Maybe he can actually hit somebody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36qwpi/i_think_chris_brown_should_be_a_storm_trooper_in/
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My blonde friend called me the other day...

Hey, can you come over real quick? I have a puzzle and I can’t figure out how to put it together. I have all the pieces spread out on the table and I don’t know where to start. All the pieces look the same to me!
What’s the picture on the box? I asked
It’s a tiger, I think.
So I went to her place, and she opens the door, tears in her eyes, and a look of frustration on her face.
I walk to her kitchen, look at the table, turn around and tell her: Hey, why don’t we have some tea? Then I’ll help you clean up the corn flakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36qwbc/my_blonde_friend_called_me_the_other_day/
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Old people and Drs

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36qvy4/old_people_and_drs/
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I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?" "Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36qudn/i_was_cleaning_little_suzies_room_when_i_found/
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Solution to erection problems

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36qthh/solution_to_erection_problems/
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Wedding ring

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36qktz/wedding_ring/
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CRICKET

Q: If you had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have?
A: A bloody big cricket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36qjk1/cricket/
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I started a club for guys with erectile dysfuntion

It was a total flop. Nobody came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36qij9/i_started_a_club_for_guys_with_erectile_dysfuntion/
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Did you hear about the new pill that's supposed to turn lesbian women straight?

It's called tricoxagain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36qhpm/did_you_hear_about_the_new_pill_thats_supposed_to/
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What organ in the body never dies?

THE LIVER.
ometrist will copyright this joke. hopefully.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36qdo5/what_organ_in_the_body_never_dies/
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What kind of liquid does a pig's printer use?

oink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36qch0/what_kind_of_liquid_does_a_pigs_printer_use/
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What do you call a guy with a 2 inch penis?

Justin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36q8xm/what_do_you_call_a_guy_with_a_2_inch_penis/
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My wife is like a drug to me

She ruined my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36q1ma/my_wife_is_like_a_drug_to_me/
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Did you hear about the mathematician who got out of jail?

He's trying to integrate back into society, but you can still kinda differentiate him from others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36q13u/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_got_out/
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I had a Ford Fiesta....

and fed it some adderall and it turned into a Ford Focus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36prgf/i_had_a_ford_fiesta/
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If Reddit was a blanket, what type of blanket would it be?

One with a high thread count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ppsj/if_reddit_was_a_blanket_what_type_of_blanket/
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What do you call a girl who doesn't give blow jobs?

You don't call her. ^haha

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36poil/what_do_you_call_a_girl_who_doesnt_give_blow_jobs/
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Revenge

A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, "How much is the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the sales guy says.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says.
"No, that's the price," the sales guy says, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.
"How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars for the system," the sales guy says.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Yes," the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top-of-the-line computer with printer and monitor.
"How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars," the salesman says.
"I'll take that too!" the man says.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36pm78/revenge/
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Two times two is four, four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.
After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed. They both think for a while...... then the guy says, "Okay, I got one...
Two times two is four, four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".
So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four, four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36pk9t/two_times_two_is_four_four_plus_five_is_nine_i/
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What kind of bees make milk?

BOO-BEES!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36perr/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk/
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Where do epileptics get pizza?

Little Seizures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36pbq1/where_do_epileptics_get_pizza/
%
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36p3k3/why_cant_a_nose_be_12_inches_long/
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What does a fat girl and a pallet of shingles have in common?

...they both have a 90% chance of being nailed by a Mexican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36oyi1/what_does_a_fat_girl_and_a_pallet_of_shingles/
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The shortest joke in the world

'Dwarf Shortages'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ou2g/the_shortest_joke_in_the_world/
%
I have a really bad phobia of speed bumps...

But I'm slowly getting over it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36otzt/i_have_a_really_bad_phobia_of_speed_bumps/
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A butcher married a baker and had a kid who grew up to be what?

Fat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36orfp/a_butcher_married_a_baker_and_had_a_kid_who_grew/
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Three women...

... one German, one Japanese and a Hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped, the others looked at here questioningly.
“That was my pager.” she said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The Hillbilly woman felt decidedly “Low Tech”. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna, and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The Hillbilly woman finally said, “Well, will you look at that, I’m gettin’ a FAX.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36opte/three_women/
%
Why don't people in Kuwait know who Obama is?

Because they've been living under Iraq.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ohj6/why_dont_people_in_kuwait_know_who_obama_is/
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Detroit

This happened on a flight getting ready to
depart for Detroit.
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy
took the seat beside him. The guy was an
emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking,
moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to Detroit, there's
crazy people there. They've got lots of
shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs,
poor public schools, and the highest
crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life.
It's not as bad as the media says. Find a
nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a nice private
school.
It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your
word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36og6q/detroit/
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Have you heard the joke about the guy addicted to brake fluid?

He says he can stop anytime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36oeil/have_you_heard_the_joke_about_the_guy_addicted_to/
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Robot

A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender .
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."   The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."   The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."   Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."   The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers .
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.   The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, bout 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people still happy with Barrack Obama?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36odps/robot/
%
To be 26 again

A man in his late 40s was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked her what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be 26 again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..
On her birthday morning, he rose early, made her a nice big cup of coffee & then took her to Adventure World theme park on a bike.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything....
5 hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling & her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to the most exotic restaurant where they ate and danced like never before. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda, & her favorite chocolate. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband & collapsed into d sofa exhausted.
He looked at his wife with a big smile & lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being 26 again?"
Her eyes slowly opened & her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my waist size, u idiot !" 😱
Moral : No matter how attentively u listen to a woman, u are still gonna get it wrong 😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36od2k/to_be_26_again/
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WARNING TO ALL LORRY DRIVERS

Researchers for the Swansea Authority found over 200 dead crows near M4 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
An Ornithological Behaviorist was called to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry."
/edit pulled straight from FB, and I'm not ashamed of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36o9ha/warning_to_all_lorry_drivers/
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Good manners

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36o820/good_manners/
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a man and a woman are on an elevator...

Just the two of them, the man asks the woman, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman responds with, "Absolutely not! Creep!" With that being said, the man replies, "Well, it must be your feet then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36o6ll/a_man_and_a_woman_are_on_an_elevator/
%
I'm not a huge fan of cocaine.

I just like the way it smells

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36o35w/im_not_a_huge_fan_of_cocaine/
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Putting my grades up for adoption...

Because I can't raise them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36o2nt/putting_my_grades_up_for_adoption/
%
What’s the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne waits until puberty to come on a kid’s face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36o2k1/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
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How many cops dose it take to change a light bulb?

5 one to replace the bulb and 4 to beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36o1xi/how_many_cops_dose_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
I like my beer like i like my violence..

Domestic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36o1a9/i_like_my_beer_like_i_like_my_violence/
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What do you call white people on a bench?

The NBA

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36o029/what_do_you_call_white_people_on_a_bench/
%
I hate it when you're sitting on the bus...

...and the local weirdo gets on and sits next to you.
You know the type. The ones that watch you masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36nyst/i_hate_it_when_youre_sitting_on_the_bus/
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I have an irrational fear of large intricate corporate buildings.

You could say I have a complex complex complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ny7a/i_have_an_irrational_fear_of_large_intricate/
%
The school year is like a burrito.

Once you're halfway through you want to give up because everything's just falling apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36nirp/the_school_year_is_like_a_burrito/
%
I made a pass at my girlfriend's mum and my girlfriend is furious...

She tripped over the ball and broke her nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ngzc/i_made_a_pass_at_my_girlfriends_mum_and_my/
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What do you call an Irish lesbian?

Good with the Gaelic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ndwk/what_do_you_call_an_irish_lesbian/
%
My wife heard it's seductive to bite her lip.

I don't have the heart to tell her it's meant to be the bottom one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36nc9u/my_wife_heard_its_seductive_to_bite_her_lip/
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes?

Pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36n9un/whats_the_difference_between_a_porcupine_and_a/
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I want to die like my father; sleeping in peace ...

Not like his passengers; screaming in fear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36n9h7/i_want_to_die_like_my_father_sleeping_in_peace/
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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb.

Two. One to hold the light bulb and the other to hold the penis. I mean mother. Shit, I mean ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36n41y/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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So a guy is preparing to take his girl to the prom...

...and he decides to rent a tuxedo.
Unfortunately, in front of the tuxedo rental place, there is a HUGE tuxedo line. Our protagonist sighs and reluctantly goes to the back of the line.
Two hours later, he finally reaches the store and rents a snazzy tux.
Next up, he decides to rent a limo for him and his date.
He goes to the limo rental place, but there is a HUGE limo lime. He sighs once again and goes to the back of the line.
Four hours later, he finally gets a limo to rent.
The last thing he needs now is a bouquet of roses. He goes to the nearest floral shop and the flower line is HUGE.
Determined, the guy waits for a whopping six hours before finally purchasing the flowers. Finally, he's ready.
The next day, he takes his girlfriend to the prom, which is taking place in the high school's gymnasium, and has an excellent time.
His date sees some of her friends and goes to talk to them a bit, and the guy waits, satisfied that all that waiting in line was worth it.
When his date comes back, she asks for some punch, so her date happily obliges and goes to get some. He reaches the table with the punch and is shocked.
There is no punch line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36mzlw/so_a_guy_is_preparing_to_take_his_girl_to_the_prom/
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You really gotta hand it to short people..

Because they usually can't reach it anyways.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36mxyw/you_really_gotta_hand_it_to_short_people/
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Navy biscuits

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.  While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36mwiv/navy_biscuits/
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A pregnant lady on a bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied,
Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it.
The CASE was DISMISSED as the judge burst out laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36msik/a_pregnant_lady_on_a_bus/
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So Godzilla walks into a bar...

The entire building is destroyed. 23 people are missing and presumed dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36mrz4/so_godzilla_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What is E.T. short for?

So he can fit on a spaceship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36mndx/what_is_et_short_for/
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How did the octopus go to the war?

Well armed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36mkko/how_did_the_octopus_go_to_the_war/
%
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's an obscure number, you have probably never heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36mk1s/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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So, a guy walks into a bar and notices a dog in the corner, licking its balls...

He continues to have a seat at the bar and order a drink. He looks at the bartender and says "Man, I wish I could do that." The bartender replied, "Ehh, I'd try petting him first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36mj47/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_notices_a_dog_in/
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High School Reunion

Husband takes the wife to
her high school reunion, after meeting several
of her friends and former
school mates, they are sitting at a table where he
is yawning and
overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to
dance.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break
dancing, moon
walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the
works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years
ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."
"Husband says:
"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36mees/high_school_reunion/
%
Why can a woman never be a good DJ?

They will never listen to Logic or Reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36mada/why_can_a_woman_never_be_a_good_dj/
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What do you call a bee from US?

USB

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36m6hk/what_do_you_call_a_bee_from_us/
%
What do you call a Nazi that works with ill animals and was in the war for a long time?

A veteran Aryan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36m4zc/what_do_you_call_a_nazi_that_works_with_ill/
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Graphene can do everything...

Except leave the lab. :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36m4v2/graphene_can_do_everything/
%
What do you call a bearded gardener?

Hairy Potter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36m43u/what_do_you_call_a_bearded_gardener/
%
My friend found out recently that he is both gay and dyslexic.

He is still in Daniel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36m3um/my_friend_found_out_recently_that_he_is_both_gay/
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I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36m1a3/ive_recently_developed_a_severe_phobia_of/
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Why can you always trust Frankenstein's monster?

He's got somebody else's back, he could probably handle yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36m19d/why_can_you_always_trust_frankensteins_monster/
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How many Freudians does it take to screw their mothers?

Not mothers, lightbulbs. Shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36m0bw/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_screw_their/
%
A mathematician was interviewing for a job

. The interviewer asks him - "You are walking towards your office and running late for a very important meeting and you glimpse a building on fire with people screaming for help. What will you do?".
The mathematician thinks for a while and replies : "People's lives are more important than an office meeting. I would immediately call for a fire brigade and help the trapped to the best of my abilities". The interviewer seems to be impressed with the mathematician's answer and moves on to the last question. Just to check his sanity, she asks: "And what if the building is not on fire?".
After a moment of thought, the mathematician replies with confidence :
"I will set the building on fire. Now, I have reduced it to a problem that I have already solved before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36lys2/a_mathematician_was_interviewing_for_a_job/
%
I got a boner at a funeral today...

It was mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ly3r/i_got_a_boner_at_a_funeral_today/
%
God's perfect woman

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion.
God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and she will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36lwmy/gods_perfect_woman/
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Viagra

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen;
Advil is Ibuprofen;
Rogaine is Monoxidil; and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and
announced today that they have settled on:
Mycoxafloppin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ls2k/viagra/
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A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bar keep says, "Arr matey, ye have a steerin' wheel in yer pantaloons."
The pirate replies, "Aye; it drives me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36lrop/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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I found a stray cat today. Sadly, my dad is allergic to them so I had to put him down.

At least I still have the cat for comfort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36lqvc/i_found_a_stray_cat_today_sadly_my_dad_is/
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What's better than winning the lottery?

Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36lq62/whats_better_than_winning_the_lottery/
%
Do you know the difference between browsing Reddit and having sex?

No? Well, keep on browsing Reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36lpr9/do_you_know_the_difference_between_browsing/
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Racist airplane joke engaged

So there is a black child and his mother on a plane to Europe from America. About half way through the captain comes over the mic. And says were burning fuel to quickly we have to dump the luggage.
He does
5 minutes go by and he's back asking for volunteers. No one volunteers so he says he has no choice but to go by alphabetical order.
Are there any AFRICANS on bored. No one stands
Are there any BLACKS. Again no one stands.
Are there any coloreds. After a moment of silence the little boy days to his momma. " mom we are all of those" to which she responds. " not today son, today were niggas, we're letting the Mexicans go first."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36lngx/racist_airplane_joke_engaged/
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What do you call an entrance to a whorehouse ?

HODOR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ln4k/what_do_you_call_an_entrance_to_a_whorehouse/
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Chinese Tortures

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36lmme/chinese_tortures/
%
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36letk/what_happens_when_batman_sees_catwoman/
%
A man was protesting against gay rights...

His reasoning was very straight-forward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36lbm6/a_man_was_protesting_against_gay_rights/
%
I like my wine like I like my women.

10 years old and locked in a wooden crate in my basement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36l9im/i_like_my_wine_like_i_like_my_women/
%
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't  hear an enzyme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36l7ux/whats_the_difference_between_an_enzyme_and_a/
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When is a dog not a dog?

When it is pure bread.
Told to me by a friend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36l4w4/when_is_a_dog_not_a_dog/
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When I was about 14/15

I wanted to be a plumber, then I wanted to be a firefighter, then pizza delivery man,then I stopped watching porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36l0qq/when_i_was_about_1415/
%
Can you cure hereditary diarrhea?

Or does it just run through your jeans?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36kyat/can_you_cure_hereditary_diarrhea/
%
I swallowed two pieces of string and when I went to the bathroom they came out tied together.

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ktyu/i_swallowed_two_pieces_of_string_and_when_i_went/
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Nighttime. You're alone on a small boat at sea, hours away from any land. All you brought with you is a pack of cigarettes. You wanna smoke, but realize you forgot a lighter. What do you do?

You just take out a cigarette, throw it off the boat into the water... thus, making the boat a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36krui/nighttime_youre_alone_on_a_small_boat_at_sea/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36kg8u/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
%
Can someone help me find some videos of Al Gore dancing?

I'm trying to solve a Rubik's cube and a friend told me that using Al Gore Rhythms could help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36kei8/can_someone_help_me_find_some_videos_of_al_gore/
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Do you know the difference between a cheeseburger and a blowjob?

Come on. Lets go to lunch. My treat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36kbd3/do_you_know_the_difference_between_a_cheeseburger/
%
A joke my grandfather told me 40 years ago.

As some Canadian geese were flying overhead he pointed at them and asked me, "Do you know why that side of the V is longer than the other side? (He meant the V shape the geese were flying in as they migrated)
"No", I replied after thinking about it.
"Because there are more geese on that side."
I told that joke back to him when he was in his 90s. He really cracked up, and was pleased as hell when I told him I learned it from him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36kb6o/a_joke_my_grandfather_told_me_40_years_ago/
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What is it called when Michael J. Fox smokes a joint?

Shake N' Bake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36kay0/what_is_it_called_when_michael_j_fox_smokes_a/
%
My kleptomania is getting worse

I even stole this joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36k616/my_kleptomania_is_getting_worse/
%
How to become cool

A) Put on sunglasses
B)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36k2kb/how_to_become_cool/
%
Ever been to a Canadian mosh pit?

"Oh sorry eh! Oh! Sorry! Sorry, eh? Sorry? So sorry! Oh! Oh no.... Sorry, eh?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36jxff/ever_been_to_a_canadian_mosh_pit/
%
Quit my job at the helium factory today

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36jven/quit_my_job_at_the_helium_factory_today/
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GASSY GRANNY

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36jpfl/gassy_granny/
%
I was talking to a record producer at the urinals

and now I've got a number 1 on my hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36jn4u/i_was_talking_to_a_record_producer_at_the_urinals/
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My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36jip0/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_won_the_lottery_would/
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office

and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly beautiful she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36jgu3/this_beautiful_woman_one_day_walks_into_a_doctors/
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My dad was a construction site thief

When I got home all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36jads/my_dad_was_a_construction_site_thief/
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Barack Obama, the Pope, Hilary Clinton and a boy scout are on a plane...

The plane is about to crash when they realize there are only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger, President Obama said “I am the president of the United States, as much as it will haunt me for the rest of my life, I must insist I take a parachute. I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people and the strongest military in the world.” The others agree and the president grabs a bag and jumps out.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said “I am the future first female President of the United States, and I am the smartest woman in the world. I will be everything Obama was not and in that manner set a new path for all women in this world. I demand that I take one of the parachutes.” The boy scout hands her a bag and she jumps out.
The third passenger, the Pope, says to the fourth passenger, a 10-year old boy scout “I am old and frail and I don’t have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute.”
The boy scout said “It’s okay!"
"No, my dear boy. I must insist. I made my peace with God many, many years ago," explains the Pope. "Dying will be like going home for me."
"No, really it's okay," says the boy.
"My son, how can you be so fearless in the face of death? You are but a young boy," asks the Pope.
The boy scout holds up two bags. "There's two parachutes left. I gave that annoying bitch my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36j2ib/barack_obama_the_pope_hilary_clinton_and_a_boy/
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What is the difference between the US and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt for 200 years it'll grow a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ixoc/what_is_the_difference_between_the_us_and_yogurt/
%
I used to be indecisive.

Now I’m not sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36iuta/i_used_to_be_indecisive/
%
My kleptomania is getting worse

I should definitely take something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36irdh/my_kleptomania_is_getting_worse/
%
What is the origin of the word "Boob"?

The "B" is the aerial view, the "oo" is the front view, the "b" is the side view.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36iqrd/what_is_the_origin_of_the_word_boob/
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Ranchers Widow

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36iphp/ranchers_widow/
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Tea Set

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe
2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because (as he put it) it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36inye/tea_set/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar

The first deer says to the other
"That place was so expensive"
The second one responds
"Yea, I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36inl7/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
What do you call a person who hates fat people?

Weighcist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ildi/what_do_you_call_a_person_who_hates_fat_people/
%
If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be?

Bad at following directions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ijgg/if_you_had_to_describe_yourself_in_one_word_what/
%
First "Contact"

In the years that followed first contact between humanity and an alien race, individuals from both species took steps to integrate their two cultures. At one of several social conventions held to further this goal, a human couple and an alien couple meet and discuss their common traits.
"I hope this isn't offensive," the human woman begins, "but I'm incredibly curious: How does your species have sex?"
Both the male and the female alien chuckle. "Well," the male alien replies, "we're pretty similar to you, actually! In fact... if you two were interested, maybe we could swap spouses for the evening and 'experience' each other."
The four of them discuss it, and they decide to give the experiment a try. The human man goes home with the female alien, and the human woman goes back to her hotel room with the male alien.
Upon arrival, the human woman and the male alien disrobe... and with some dismay, the woman sees that her companion has an incredibly small penis.
"I don't think this is going to work," she says. "It's just too tiny."
The male alien grins. "That's no problem!" He smacks himself in the forehead a few times... and with each blow, his member extends by several centimeters.
"Wow!" the woman replies. "Only, now it's far too thin."
Once again, the male alien offers a smile. This time, he pulls on his ears, and his shaft swells in circumference with each tug. Thoroughly impressed, the woman leaps onto the male alien, and the two of them spend the night in ecstasy.
The next morning, the human woman joins her husband for breakfast.
"So," he asks, "how was it for you?"
"I'm not going to lie," the woman responds, "it was pretty amazing. How was it for you?"
The man seems to wince at the memory. "Honestly, it was pretty bad. All she did was hit my head and yank on my ears all night."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ie3d/first_contact/
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What's the worst part about being a beaver?

It's a lot of dam work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36i8yr/whats_the_worst_part_about_being_a_beaver/
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What's the worst thing about getting bit by a poisonous spider?

That you're probably Australian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36i709/whats_the_worst_thing_about_getting_bit_by_a/
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The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.....
My Engaged Friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The Mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I Had To Share My Story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said....
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36i6r1/the_black_bra_as_told_by_a_woman/
%
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She  finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front  of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She  watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15."
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do  you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either  you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in  prison?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36i6gb/a_woman_awakes_in_the_middle_of_the_night_to_find/
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Why is flight attendant fetish porn so popular?

Because you can type "stewardesses" using only your left hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36i5d9/why_is_flight_attendant_fetish_porn_so_popular/
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Service

Greetings,
I became confused when I
heard the word "Service“ used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue 'Service'
Social 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV ‘Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Public 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service ‘meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had
hired a bull to 'Service’ a few cows.
BAM!!!
………..   It all came into focus. Now I understand what

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36i58c/service/
%
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36i0jx/where_do_you_find_a_dog_with_no_legs/
%
Every girl wants to be swept off her feet.

It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36hzzx/every_girl_wants_to_be_swept_off_her_feet/
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Why doesn't Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mum with that mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36hukm/why_doesnt_oedipus_swear/
%
If I won a million dollars I'd pay your mother to have sex with me...

Then I'd invest the other $999,990.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36hu76/if_i_won_a_million_dollars_id_pay_your_mother_to/
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Are tectonic plates dishwasher safe?

IDK but they're perfect for a continental breakfast.
- that's some faulty humour -
Source:
http://lustyyouth.tumblr.com/post/119359329507/affectionateghostie-maddoraptor-edwrad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36hqly/are_tectonic_plates_dishwasher_safe/
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The intelligent and the idiot

One day, an intelligent man and an idiot decided to play a game in order to pass the time. The intelligent man suggested:
-"How about we play a game? I'll ask you a question and if you can't guess it, you'll give me a dollar. If you ask me a question and I can't guess it, I'll give you a thousand dollars to make it fair. I'll start. What has 4 legs and barks?"
-"I don't know. Here's your dollar."
-"It was a dog! Now you ask me."
-"What has 5 fingers and grabs things?"
-"A hand."
-"Correct."
-"My turn now. What has 4 legs and meows?"
-"I don't know. Here's your dollar."
-"A cat! You go now."
-"What has 10 legs, 76 arms and 33 heads?"
The intelligent man thought for hours and hours and finally gave up, he did not know the answer.
-"Sigh, I don't know. Here's your thousand dollars."
Intrigued, the intelligent man asked:
-"What was it?"
-"I don't know. Here's your dollar."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36hirh/the_intelligent_and_the_idiot/
%
Bring a beer

A man get home after work, sits on his couch exausted and ask his wife :
- Honey, bring me a beer before it begins!
His wife brings him a beer.
The man drink the beer and ask again :
- Honey, bring me a beer before it begins!
The wife,starting to find her husband strange bring him a cold beer again.
The man drink the beer as fasr as the first one and goes:
- Honey, bring me a beer before it begins!
Then the wife, frustrated:
- Again?! You drink too much! This is ridiculous!...
The husband :
- There you go, it begins...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36hine/bring_a_beer/
%
Why do Electricians make terrible revolutionaries?

They know resistance is a waste of energy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36hdah/why_do_electricians_make_terrible_revolutionaries/
%
How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36hcul/how_many_psychologists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36h7pe/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to hold the penis. I mean the ladder. One to hold the ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36h7dd/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What do you call a helicopter with a bad paint job?

A patchy gunship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36h5au/what_do_you_call_a_helicopter_with_a_bad_paint_job/
%
Why don't you want to hang out with a dude from Chicago?

Because 'Illinois you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36h4bs/why_dont_you_want_to_hang_out_with_a_dude_from/
%
A feminist asked me how I view lesbians

In HD was apparently not the correct answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36h2ss/a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbians/
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What Not to Say to a Policeman

-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.
-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.
-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?
-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.
-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.
-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
-- That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
-- If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36h29z/what_not_to_say_to_a_policeman/
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What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.
*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36gwyh/what_is_born_skinless_flies_wingless_and_sings/
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You are being approached by a lawyer, a lion and a gang member.

You are armed with a gun and two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36gwxu/you_are_being_approached_by_a_lawyer_a_lion_and_a/
%
Did you hear that someone put a hole in the fence at the nudist beach?

Don't worry, the police are looking into it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36gwa4/did_you_hear_that_someone_put_a_hole_in_the_fence/
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36gvss/i_told_my_wife_the_truth_i_told_her_i_was_seeing/
%
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar

It was tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36gros/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walked_into_a/
%
A joke that my grandfather would always tell

A young Jewish man gets married and decides to start a family with his wife. His wife gets pregnant almost immediately and they are extremely happy for a while. Once the baby was born, however, they were extremely distressed as he was born with no eyelids.
The doctor, being the genius that he was, decided to take the foreskin from the circumcision and make new eyelids for the baby boy.
The operation worked perfectly and the boy was able to see normally, blink and even wink if he needed to. He was just a little cock-eyed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36gmxh/a_joke_that_my_grandfather_would_always_tell/
%
Never judge a book by its cover

Use the paragraph on the back instead..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36gett/never_judge_a_book_by_its_cover/
%
What is Kanye's favorite Transformer?

Bruce Jenner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36gaig/what_is_kanyes_favorite_transformer/
%
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36g7u5/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/
%
A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said:

Hey!  I was going to eat that,  now it's going to taste like cucumber!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36g5fr/a_dad_walks_into_his_daughters_room_and_saw_her/
%
Life is like a dozen roses...

it's full of pricks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36g22k/life_is_like_a_dozen_roses/
%
Rodney Dangerfield: "Y'know, my wife and I, we never have sex...

... we get undressed, we can't stop laughing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36fz53/rodney_dangerfield_yknow_my_wife_and_i_we_never/
%
My standards for women are way too high

You could almost say they're... Double standards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36fyrr/my_standards_for_women_are_way_too_high/
%
A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream

and asked his wife if she wanted some.
"How hard is it?" she asked.
"About as hard as my dick," he replied.
"Pour me some."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36frz7/a_husband_came_home_with_half_gallon_a_of_ice/
%
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance...

...who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."
More jokes: http://jojokes.pw

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36frcc/a_collector_of_rare_books_ran_into_an_acquaintance/
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What do a pregnant woman, a burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common?

A man who didn't take it out in time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36fr81/what_do_a_pregnant_woman_a_burnt_pizza_and_frozen/
%
A cannibal in a courtroom

Representing himself, the cannibal was asked by the judge if he had anything to say.
"If the quote "You are what you eat" is true then I am an innocent man."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36fqpn/a_cannibal_in_a_courtroom/
%
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.

Through the driver's door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36f67p/i_just_saw_a_woman_getting_into_a_car_the_wrong/
%
A recent study by statisticians...

...shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36f2vt/a_recent_study_by_statisticians/
%
Why can't two elephants go swimming?

-They only have one pair of trunks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36f2gv/why_cant_two_elephants_go_swimming/
%
So there's a guy sitting on his couch watching T.V.

He hears a knock at the door and gets up to answer. Opens it and there's a snail sitting there.  He picks up the snail and throws it. About a year later he gets another knock and it's that same snail. The snail looks up at him and says "What the fuck was that about?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36f020/so_theres_a_guy_sitting_on_his_couch_watching_tv/
%
Guy walks into a bar just shit-faced drunk...

He walks up to a beautiful woman and says, "Duck my sick!"
She crosses her arms, all in a huff and replies, "Don't you mean *suck* my *dick*?"
The guy pukes in her face, wipes his chin and says, "You didn't duck..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ezge/guy_walks_into_a_bar_just_shitfaced_drunk/
%
Being a child is like being drunk.

Everybody remembers what you did exept you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36eyf5/being_a_child_is_like_being_drunk/
%
I once went to a socialist bar and I didn't like it at all.

All the drinks were revolting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36eqk2/i_once_went_to_a_socialist_bar_and_i_didnt_like/
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What causes arthritis, father?

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin sticks out of his torn coat pocket.
He opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"It's caused by loose living, cheap women and too much alcohol!"
"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest thinks about what he has said, nudges the man and apologizes. "I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36em2j/what_causes_arthritis_father/
%
Do you have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there:
- "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman:
- "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice:
- "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispers to the wife:
- "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there:
- "Do you have a Vagina?"
- "Yes I do."
- "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36eibe/do_you_have_a_vagina/
%
What do retired people do to make their days interesting?

People frequently ask retired old folks like me, what
we do to make our days interesting.
Well,for example,The other day my wife and i went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out,there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said,"Come on man,how about giving a senior citizen a break?
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole."
He glared at me ,and started writing another ticket,for having worn out tires.
So my wife called him a "Shithead".He finished the
second ticket,and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets,this went on
for about 20mins.
The more we abused him,the more he wrote. Just
then our bus arrived,and we got on it,and went home...
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36efd7/what_do_retired_people_do_to_make_their_days/
%
Apparently Stephen Hawking is in hospital after he went on a date last night...

She stood him up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36eeda/apparently_stephen_hawking_is_in_hospital_after/
%
I know someone that was frozen to absolute zero once.

He was 0K.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36e90l/i_know_someone_that_was_frozen_to_absolute_zero/
%
What do a hockey player and a hippie chick have in common?

They both shower after 3 periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36e6tw/what_do_a_hockey_player_and_a_hippie_chick_have/
%
I was going to sue U2 for stealing one of my songs

But I found out my lawyer was pro-bono.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36e0u0/i_was_going_to_sue_u2_for_stealing_one_of_my_songs/
%
What do you call a woman with an opinion?

Wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36dyj5/what_do_you_call_a_woman_with_an_opinion/
%
I have a difficult time living in buildings near many neighbors

I think I have an apartment complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36dxos/i_have_a_difficult_time_living_in_buildings_near/
%
Bigfoot is like a father to me...

... I've only ever seen him in photos, never in real life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36dq1d/bigfoot_is_like_a_father_to_me/
%
People say I'm too condescending.

(That means I talk down to them)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36dpk6/people_say_im_too_condescending/
%
Ireland has suffered its worst aviation disaster in history after a 2 seat Cessna crashed in a graveyard this evening...

Irish Search and Rescue say they have recovered 835 bodies so far and expect to find far more as digging continues throughout the night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36dp4f/ireland_has_suffered_its_worst_aviation_disaster/
%
Why Russians never drive stick shift?

They really hate Stalin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36dj2g/why_russians_never_drive_stick_shift/
%
I totally understand how batteries feel

Because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36di8b/i_totally_understand_how_batteries_feel/
%
A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine

...with a woman named Clearly.
Lorraine dies suddenly.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36di3e/a_man_cheats_on_his_girlfriend_lorraine/
%
I put my pants on just like everyone else

in your mom’s bedroom in the morning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36dfqv/i_put_my_pants_on_just_like_everyone_else/
%
What is it called when Batman wants to leave Church early?

Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36der2/what_is_it_called_when_batman_wants_to_leave/
%
How to turn your dishwasher into a snowblower.

Hand her a shovel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ddk9/how_to_turn_your_dishwasher_into_a_snowblower/
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If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36dcxf/if_a_bluebird_has_blue_babies_and_a_redbird_has/
%
Neighbor

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36dckg/neighbor/
%
Life is like a box of chocolates

If you're fat it's not going to last long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36dalo/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
%
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar....

The situation was tense...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36d9xm/the_past_the_present_and_the_future_walked_into_a/
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What's in a Name?

What's in a child's name?
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, (from Toronto) Mary, he said, "You are
obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, (from Montreal) Ann: "Your
obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your
child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce (from BC): "Your obsession is
alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandi."
At this point, the fourth mother, (from Newfoundland) Carol,
quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36d7t8/whats_in_a_name/
%
That's a job for mama.

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36d61o/thats_a_job_for_mama/
%
A mime fell down a well and couldn't call for help.

His larynx was crushed during the fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36d4t1/a_mime_fell_down_a_well_and_couldnt_call_for_help/
%
A man is sitting at the bar, hammered drunk...

all of a sudden he throws up all down the front of his shirt.
"Ah shit my wife's going to kill me" the man yells.
The bar tender takes pity on the man and decides to help him out "don't worry mate, just tuck a $20 note in your top pocket and say a drunk at the bar threw up on you, then paid for you to clean your shirt."
The man thinks that's a great idea and heads off home. Sure enough his wife is waiting for him at the front door.
"Look at the state of you! You're fucking hammered and you've thrown up all over yourself..."
The man interrupts her "It wasn't me! It was some other guy next to me at the bar. Look he popped $20 in my pocket for the cleaning."
"But you've got $40 in your pocket"
"Well yeah he shat in my pants as well"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36d45m/a_man_is_sitting_at_the_bar_hammered_drunk/
%
Some people think that the next iPhone will fail

But I think it'll be a 6S.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36d37f/some_people_think_that_the_next_iphone_will_fail/
%
A guy walks into a bar with a loaded rifle...

... And yells, "Alright, whoever had sex with my wife should damn well step forward"
A small man at the back of the joint stands up and says, "You don't have enough bullets."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36d14s/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_loaded_rifle/
%
When I were a lad my mother would send me down the shops with a pound and I'd come back with teabags, a sack of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, and a dozen eggs. You can't do that nowadays....

...Too many damn security cameras.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36d05x/when_i_were_a_lad_my_mother_would_send_me_down/
%
How does Stephen Hawking refresh after a long day?

F5

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36cz9p/how_does_stephen_hawking_refresh_after_a_long_day/
%
Not to toot my own horn but..

I got my bottom 2 ribs removed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36cz5n/not_to_toot_my_own_horn_but/
%
An old prospector finds a gold nugget...

Excited to have a little cash and looking to celebrate, he gets on his donkey and rides it down into town. He walks into the saloon, has some whisky, and then says, "Bartender, you got any women around here?" The bartender says, "Nope. But we got old Fred in the back." The prospector looks disgusted and says, "Nope, nope, nope. I don't go for that shit." gets back on his donkey, and rides back to his mine.
A few years later, he finds another nugget. Once again, he rides into town on his donkey, drinks a whisky, and says to the bartender, "Bartender, you get any women around this place yet?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "Nope. But we still got old Fred in the back." As before, the prospector is disgusted and says, "Nope, nope, nope, I don't go for that shit." before getting back on his donkey, and riding back up into the hills to his mine.
More years pass, and now the prospector is getting old and approaching the end of his life. He finds another nugget, and rides down into town. He orders a whisky, and in a desperate, pleading, voice says, "Bartender, you must have some women around here by now, right? I've been forty years now without the comfort of a woman." The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, "Nope. Sorry. Still got old Fred in the back though, if you're interested." The prospector mulls it over, leans in and whispers, "Bartender, if I do it with old Fred, who will know?" The bartender replies, "Well...you. Me. Old Fred, of course. And the three guys holding old Fred down. He don't go for that shit either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36cszx/an_old_prospector_finds_a_gold_nugget/
%
A young boy enters the barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer…

A young boy enters a barbershop… the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch.”
The barber puts a dollar in one open palm and two quarters in the other and asks the kid, “Which do you want?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” says the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why’d you take the quarters and not the dollar?” he asks.
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36cp40/a_young_boy_enters_the_barbershop_and_the_barber/
%
Being a gynecologist is liking being a Ferrari mechanic.

It sounds like a sweet job on paper, but like a Ferrari mechanic nobody brings their stuff to get worked on unless its a leaking fucked up wreck that saw one too many poles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36cln2/being_a_gynecologist_is_liking_being_a_ferrari/
%
A Frenchman, a Spaniard, and an Italian are captured in battle...

All three are locked in the darkest cell of the enemy encampment.  Meaning to find the location of the captives' comrades, the captors tie up the Spaniard and drag him to their interrogation chamber, and demand that he give up his fellow soldiers.
The Spaniard, betraying a longstanding military tradition of bravery and courage, gives up his friends almost immediately.  Shamed, he is returned to his cell and the Frenchman is tied up and brought in.
The Frenchman, shirking an untrue and unfair modern stereotype, endures a full hour of ruthless torture, completely bound and powerless to resist.  History would not condemn the fact that he relented after lasting so long.  The captors release him, binding the Italian and taking him off on the way out.
With this Italian, captors can't find a method of physical brutality strong enough for him to utter even a peep.  After four grueling hours, even the captors are tired, and return the Italian's broken but barely living body to his cell, loosening his restraints and tossing him naked onto the floor.
Amazed, the other two captives insist, "No one would have faulted you for talking after enduring so much punishment!"  The Italian, beaten and bruised, moans, "I would have, but I couldn't move my hands!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36cjvy/a_frenchman_a_spaniard_and_an_italian_are/
%
To all those people who said I would be an unfit parent, have you seen the little guy lately?

Cause that would be a big help, I seem to have misplaced him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36chm6/to_all_those_people_who_said_i_would_be_an_unfit/
%
What goes oo oo oo.

A cow with no lips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36cey1/what_goes_oo_oo_oo/
%
There are three priests at an airport...

Three priests are traveling home from a trip to the Vatican. They have yet to purchase tickets when they get to the airport, so the youngest priest volunteers to purchase them for the rest of the group.
As he walks up to the counter, he notices that the lady working there has a very large bosom and is dressed in a rather revealing shirt. He approaches the woman and says, "Hello ma'am! I would like three tickets to Titsburgh."
Realizing what he's said, he walks away from the counter in shame and explains what happened to the other priests.
After a long laugh, the middle-aged priest offers to buy the tickets, seeing as the young priest couldn't muster up the courage to go back. The middle-age priest also notices the woman's large rack, and proceeds with the transaction. "Hello ma'am! I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I should like to pay for them in nipples and dimes." Realizing that he too had goofed, he returned to his fellow priest with his head hung low.
The oldest priest of the three had had about enough of the situation, and took it upon himself to acquire the tickets. He approached the counter with a very confident composition. "Hello ma'am. I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like to pay for them in nickels and dimes."
Feeling relieved that he finally had the tickets, he offered the woman a bit of parting wisdom. "Little lady, you really should cover up. When you wear clothes like that, I can only imagine St. Finger is shaking his Peter at you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ceet/there_are_three_priests_at_an_airport/
%
I bought a dog from a blacksmith today

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36cchp/i_bought_a_dog_from_a_blacksmith_today/
%
Nobody

I'll change my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts,and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36casr/nobody/
%
Unscramble these words!

1.) PNEIS
2.) HTIELR
3.) NGGERI
4.) BUTTSXE
Did you get SPINE, LITHER, GINGER and SUBTEXT?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ca1t/unscramble_these_words/
%
My cattle ate my entire pot field.

The steaks have never been higher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36c5xe/my_cattle_ate_my_entire_pot_field/
%
#1 Handjob Tip for Women:

Use your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36c2n2/1_handjob_tip_for_women/
%
An old, old man goes into a confessional.

He says, "Father, I"m not sure where to start."
The priest say, Well, what do I need to know?"
The old man says, "Father, last night I was havin' a drink, alone, at the bar, and I told the bartender it was my birthday, but I was all alone. Right then, a beautiful, sweet, 18-year-old blonde came up and said I shouldn't be alone on my birthday. She insisted on buyin' me a drink, and then insisted on taking me back to her apartment, where she introduced me to her gorgeous red-headed best friend. Well, one thing led to another, and we had all sex all night long."
"Well," said the priest, "that's pretty bad, but I can understand. Say five Hail Mary's and two Our Father's, and don't do it again."
"I don't know those," said the old man, "I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me?"
"I'm tellin' everybody!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36c20j/an_old_old_man_goes_into_a_confessional/
%
What did the mermaid forget to bring to math class?

Her algae bra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36breo/what_did_the_mermaid_forget_to_bring_to_math_class/
%
Sleeping thoughts

Sometimes when I go to sleep I like to look at the stars and just think... what the hell happened to my roof!?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36bqzt/sleeping_thoughts/
%
Three vampires walk into a bar.

The vampires sit down and greet the vampire bartender. The bartender asks, "what will you be having?" The first vampire says, "give me a shot of blood." The bartender fills a shot glass with blood and hands it to him. The bartender then asks the second vampire, "what would you like?" The second vampire says, "a shot of blood sounds good, give me one as well." The bartender gives him the shot of blood. The bartender then goes over to the third vampire and asks, "what would you like?" The third vampire says, "I would like some hot water." The bartender as well as the other two vampires look extremely perplexed and ask, "what do you want hot water for?" The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "makin' tea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36bped/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why is Oedipus against swearing?

He kisses his mother with that mouth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36bltb/why_is_oedipus_against_swearing/
%
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36bcqh/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
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I have a superiority complex

It's literally my ONLY flaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36bbpb/i_have_a_superiority_complex/
%
An honest, hardworking husband and wife were at the point of bankruptcy, in desperate need of cash to make ends meet.

The wife suggested that, because the husband was already working three jobs and she had only two, she could work late nights as a prostitute.
The husband expressed concern for her safety but reluctantly
agreed that this was the only way out of their dire circumstances.
So that night, the wife left home at 11 pm & returned at 4 am
The husband awoke (from his nap in front of the home computer where he was working) and asked her, "How did it go? How much money did you make?"
She replied ecstatically, "It was wonderful!! It was easy to
find customers and in only a few hours I made four-hundred and one
dollars!!!"
He looked up and asked curiously, "$401? Who gave you one
dollar?"
And she replied innocently, "They all did."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36b6jc/an_honest_hardworking_husband_and_wife_were_at/
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Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard?

...neither did she

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36b54v/did_you_know_helen_keller_had_a_swingset_in_her/
%
I read this joke in a 1974 Playboy magazine today.

An elderly man died and went to purgatory. There he ran into a friend his age, who is accompanied by a luscious young blonde. "I'm happy for you, Steve", said the new arrival. "At least you're getting a partial reward in this place while you expiate your sins."
"She isn't my reward", sighed Steve, "I'm her punishment!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36b4tf/i_read_this_joke_in_a_1974_playboy_magazine_today/
%
A woman and a baby go to the doctor...

A woman and a baby go to the doctor as the baby is extremely sick and has been failing to put on weight.
The doctor turns to the woman and says, "is he breastfed or bottle-fed?"
The woman replies, "breastfed."
The doctor pauses to think for a while and then he says to the woman, "hmm, it may be something to do with a poor milk supply, would you mind popping your shirt and bra for me?"
The woman complies so the doctor goes about feeling the woman's breasts; fondling, rubbing and massaging the nipples in the hopes of inducing lactation, unfortunately, he has no luck.
He tells the woman to put her shirt back on and then says to her in a concerned voice, "I'm afraid you aren't producing any milk, it's no surprise your son is malnourished, in fact, it's a miracle he isn't dead!"
The woman says to the doctor, "Oh no! He is my grandson though I'm glad I came anyway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36b2xp/a_woman_and_a_baby_go_to_the_doctor/
%
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget...

Because elephants never forget.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36b0mb/call_a_girl_beautiful_1000_times_and_she_wont/
%
I can't believe my neighbors came to my house at 5:00 AM...

...thank god I was already up playing the bagpipes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36aqjq/i_cant_believe_my_neighbors_came_to_my_house_at/
%
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo?

I've never had a garbanzo on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36aosb/whats_the_difference_between_a_chick_pea_and_a/
%
What the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

John Wayne stopped killing Indians a long time ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36aoi5/what_the_difference_between_john_wayne_and_jack/
%
I have an archaeology exam tomorrow

And it doesn't matter if I pass or fail because either way...
My future's in ruins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36alym/i_have_an_archaeology_exam_tomorrow/
%
A early American settler meets and befriends and Indian tribe.

After several seasons he is so impressed with the Indians that he asks the Chief how he can Join the tribe.
"There are three trials you must pass: Smoke peace pipe, skin a bear, and screw a squaw."
The settler spends the next few hours smoking the peace pipe with the Chief and the other tribal elders before venturing out into the woods.
Two days later he returns, clothing torn to shreds and blood dripping from his entire body.
"What happened?" asks the Chief.
"We can talk about it later" says the settler, "but for now, please tell me which squaw you wanted me to skin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36akge/a_early_american_settler_meets_and_befriends_and/
%
How did the medical community come up with the term PMS?

Mad cow disease was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ajc4/how_did_the_medical_community_come_up_with_the/
%
An old man takes his grandson fishing...

An old man takes his grandson fishing. A little time passes before the grandfather reaches into a cooler and pulls out a beer. Noticing this, the boy goes
"Hey grandpa, can I have a beer?"
He replies, "well can your penis touch your asshole?"
"No..."
"Well then you're not old enough to have a beer!"
A little while later the old man lights a cigarette. Once again the little boy notices this and asks
"Hey grandpa, can I have a cigarette?".
The old man replies, "can your penis touch your asshole?"
The little boy replies "no"
"Well then you're not old enough to have a cigarette!"
Some time passes, and then grandson reaches into his backpack and pulls out a bag of cookies. The grandpa notices this and says,
"Are those grandma's famous chocolate chip cookies?"
The grandson replies, "yep".
"Can I have one?"
"Well can your penis touch *your* asshole?"
"Why, yes it can!" the old man replies smugly.
The boy says, "well then you can go fuck yourself, these are my cookies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36ahqp/an_old_man_takes_his_grandson_fishing/
%
What is a Knight in Shining Armors greatest enemy?

An itch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36agxz/what_is_a_knight_in_shining_armors_greatest_enemy/
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What do you call two fruits that can't get married?

Cantaloupes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36abdl/what_do_you_call_two_fruits_that_cant_get_married/
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I was about to do a mexican joke...

but that's crossing the line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36aa0n/i_was_about_to_do_a_mexican_joke/
%
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws, while a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36a52t/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
%
What goes "Clop clop clop, bang bang bang, clop clop clop"?

An Amish drive-by shooting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36a4ou/what_goes_clop_clop_clop_bang_bang_bang_clop_clop/
%
Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because D-shells are too big and B- shells are too small.
*A random elderly woman just stopped in the street in front off where I was sitting and told me this.  Awesome*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36a3fr/why_do_mermaids_wear_seashells/
%
A horse walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "why the long face?". Now, the horse does not respond, because it is a horse. It does not understand English nor comprehend the man's shitty joke. Confused by its surroundings, the horse darts out of the bar knocking over a few tables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36a3bb/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36a1mw/an_emergency_call_centre_operator_has_been_fired/
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Thanks to the Late Great Red Fox! NSFW

A woman went to her doctor, she told him "Doctor I believe you've given me the wrong hormone pills. Taken back the doctor says, There is no way I've given you the wrong pills I've been in practice for 40 years what makes you think I gave you the wrong ones?" "
"Well," she says,"I have thick hair growing all over my chest and it goes lower."
The doctor surprised asks,"Well how far down does it go?"
The woman replies, "All the way down to my dick".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/369z17/thanks_to_the_late_great_red_fox_nsfw/
%
I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys.

They probably have the same names

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/369t5n/i_wonder_if_buzz_and_woody_had_ever_met_andys/
%
Why do scuba-divers jump backwards into the water?

Because if they jumped forwards they'd still be in the boat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/369sor/why_do_scubadivers_jump_backwards_into_the_water/
%
What lies on its back 100 feet in the air?

A centipede

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/369phg/what_lies_on_its_back_100_feet_in_the_air/
%
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/369l1x/there_was_a_church_that_had_a_bell_that_no_one/
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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

See you next month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/369k7r/what_did_one_lesbian_vampire_say_to_the_other/
%
What is Forrest Gump's password?

1Forrest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/369jqz/what_is_forrest_gumps_password/
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What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a dully dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/369hi8/what_is_the_difference_between_a_sharply_dressed/
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I'm starting a new diet.

It's called 2 Dollars a day until the end of the month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/369g3j/im_starting_a_new_diet/
%
What operating system does Varys have on his computer?

Unix

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/369aw5/what_operating_system_does_varys_have_on_his/
%
My wife always freaks out when she's on her period

Keep having to tell her to stop ovary acting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/369aen/my_wife_always_freaks_out_when_shes_on_her_period/
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During World war 2, there was a shortage of organs for transplantation...

... so one London hospital had started trying to use animal parts instead.
A man who had lost his eye, arm and his penis in the bombings was one of the first patients receiving this experimental treatment.
Instead of his lost eye, they gave him the eye of an eagle.
Instead of his lost arm, they gave him an arm from a gorilla.
Instead of his lost penis, they gave him an elephant trunk.
A month after surgery, he had a checkup to see if there was any rejection or whatnot. And since this was a medical science breakthough, there were a lot of interested doctors that had come to see what had happened.
The surgeon who performed the transplant asked the man how his eye had worked?
The man says "Oh, it's great! My vision has improved a lot. I can spot people miles away, and I find anything I'm looking for without any problems."
"How has the gorilla arm woked for you?"
"It's great! It really helps me at work lifting heavy things, and I am more popular; When the guys want to arm wrestle, I win every time, and it also seems to attract the ladies as well!"
"Alright, how has the elephant trunk worked out for you then?"
"Well, I don't want to complain or anything, but it keeps trying to stuff grass into my arse..."
*ed: speling*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3699rm/during_world_war_2_there_was_a_shortage_of_organs/
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Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?

Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3697ij/wenn_ist_das_nunstück_git_und_slotermeyer/
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What do the letters D.N.A stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3697ef/what_do_the_letters_dna_stand_for/
%
What's the difference between a yoghurt and America?

If you leave a yoghurt for 200 years, it will eventually develop a culture.
Plus the yoghurt's fat free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3694u6/whats_the_difference_between_a_yoghurt_and_america/
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Name your penis after a movie or a game.

Oblivion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3691bp/name_your_penis_after_a_movie_or_a_game/
%
How I pissed off my girlfriend during sex.

I called her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/368z9v/how_i_pissed_off_my_girlfriend_during_sex/
%
My damn neighbours bang on the walls at all hours of the night

It's so bad sometimes that i can hardly hear myself practising the drums

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/368wq2/my_damn_neighbours_bang_on_the_walls_at_all_hours/
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White man and black man in an elevator

A skinny white man gets in an elevator next to a big black man. The black guy notices the white man looking at him and he says to the white guy "7 foot tall, 350lbs, 15 inch penis, two huge balls, Turner Brown."
Suddenly the white guys passes out and falls on the floor. The black man starts to shake and tries to wake him up. When the white man wakes up, the black man is kneeling next to him and he asks "you okay?" the white guy says "I think so...but what did you say to me? the black man told him" well you looked curious so I told you the answers to the questions that everyone asks me. I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350lbs, I've got a 15 inch penis, I have two huge balls and my name is Turner Brown.
"Oh Jesus" said the white guy. "I thought you said Turn around".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/368sdx/white_man_and_black_man_in_an_elevator/
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Sunday school

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.  "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.  "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question.  "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"  And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.  This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/368q3j/sunday_school/
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Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.
The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"
So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.
"See that big rock there?" He asks.
The other bat nods.
"I didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/368pr9/two_vampire_bats_are_hanging_from_the_ceiling_of/
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Sean Connery is standing at your door, wearing white shorts and a white shirt and holding a racket. What time is it?

Tennish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/368mt3/sean_connery_is_standing_at_your_door_wearing/
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One Wish

A man was walking along the beach when he found an old bottle buried in the sand. He picked it up and cleaned it with his sleeve. Whereupon a genie appeared and offered him one wish.
"Well my family lives in Australia. It would be great if there was a bridge between here and Australia so I could drive and visit them."
"What!" cried the genie. "Have you any idea what building such a bridge would involve? The gigantic pillars all the way to the sea bed? The hundreds of gas stations to be supplied? The chaos to the shipping lanes? Are you sure there isn't anything else you'd like?"
The man thought for a moment. "Y'know, I've never had much luck in my relationships. Could you give me a complete understanding of women?"
The genie replied, "Was it four lanes you wanted or six?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/368kp9/one_wish/
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How long before I can get a haircut?

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.  A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.  The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/368hpf/how_long_before_i_can_get_a_haircut/
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My friend and I are going to see a movie.

As we enter the theatre, we see a sign that says "no food or drink permitted."
Quietly I say, "I have a way to get around this."
To which he says, "How? It's not like we have a purse or huge pockets to hide things in."
I replied, "I've got a couple Twix up my sleeves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/368fxj/my_friend_and_i_are_going_to_see_a_movie/
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What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

...Christopher Walken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/368fjs/what_is_the_opposite_of_christopher_reeve/
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dirty secret

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.  Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.  Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.  Boy: "Dark in here."  Man: "Yes it is."  Boy: "I have a baseball."  Man: "That's nice."  Boy: "Want to buy it?"  Man: "No, thanks."  Boy: "My dad's outside."  Man: "OK, how much?"  Boy: "£250."  In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here."  Man: "Yes, it is."  Boy: "I have a baseball glove."  Man: "That's nice."  Boy: "Want to buy it?"  Man: "No, thanks."  Boy: "I'll tell."  Man: "How much?"  Boy: "£750."  Man: "Fine."  A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"  The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."  The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"  The son says, "£1,000."  The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."  They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."  The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/368b77/dirty_secret/
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A man comes home exhausted after work

He settle into the couch, turns on the TV, and then tells his wife: "Quick!! Give me a beer. It's about to start!!!"
She hands him a beer. 5 minutes later he yells: "Get me another beer!! It's almost started!!" She brings him another beer. After another 5 minutes he yells: "Get me another beer!! It's gonna start any second now!!"
She brings him beer and says: "Is that all your going to do is sit there and drink beer?" He looks down and says: "Oh Geez, It's starting already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3687kv/a_man_comes_home_exhausted_after_work/
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Someone told me I'm condescending...

that means I talk down to people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3685oi/someone_told_me_im_condescending/
%
If you had to choose between your SO and 1 millions dollars...

What is the first thing you would buy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36842z/if_you_had_to_choose_between_your_so_and_1/
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You know what I've noticed a lot of posts about recently?

The Baader-Meinhof phenomenon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3682ur/you_know_what_ive_noticed_a_lot_of_posts_about/
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A boy decided to do his school paper on the most famous man in town.

So he went to the man and asked him for his story.
The man sat the boy down and said, "Listen here kid. I've done many great things in my life. But sometimes, you don't get to choose what you're remembered for. Once, as I was walking home after work, I heard screams from the orphanage near by. I ran over and it was burning in the biggest blaze I had ever saw. But I didn't have time to hesitate, so I ran in there, not once, not twice, but three times to get all those kids out safely. But do they call me a hero and remember me for that? No!
Another time, I was crossing the street when a truck that drove by hit a bump, and a crate full of puppies fell off the back. Now I quickly ran into that busy street and picked up that box and carried it to the sidewalk, where those puppies wouldn't get run over by traffic. But do they call me the puppy savior and remember for me that? No!
But you fuck one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36828t/a_boy_decided_to_do_his_school_paper_on_the_most/
%
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

a tire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3681sm/whats_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_man_on/
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Apparently there's this guy who steals people's poops and ties them together..

I shit you knot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367ws5/apparently_theres_this_guy_who_steals_peoples/
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I.T. auditor and a Blonde

At this point in time in the company, the periodical security audit came around. Everyone's passwords were purged and new ones needed to be implemented. As a bonus to help employees with the grumbling there was an award for the strongest password that was used without problem since the last audit. The Auditor looked at the list and was surprised to find one of their more infamous employees (among those in the I.T. department) had succeeded in having and successfully using the strongest password among all in the company. Even stronger then those in the I.T. department. In fact, even the Auditor's own password (which was thought to be very secure) apparently paled in strength compared to the Blonde's according to the log. The Auditor had to know why. After all, this was in fact the same blonde that microwaved a frozen laptop, tried to make a cordless mouse with the use of scissors, and submitted a repair ticket over the lack of an "any key" on the standard issue keyboard. The auditor approached the blondes workstation.
*Auditor*: Alright, I have to know, what is your old password? Since you had to change it, it is alright.
The blonde thinks for a moment
*Blonde*: PlutoAlvinScroogeSimbaWall-eOliverRapunzelDumboOklahomaCity
*Auditor*:The first part makes sense, in a way, good way to remember, I guess, but why Oklahoma City?
The blonde, eyes rolling, puts down the white out and sighs.
*Blonde*: Its the rules, duh, you asked for 8 characters and a capital to be in the password at the very least.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367uik/it_auditor_and_a_blonde/
%
Which trees have the most friends?

The poplar ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367uh4/which_trees_have_the_most_friends/
%
If you're American going into the bathroom and American coming out of the bathroom... What are you in the bathroom?

European

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367t2w/if_youre_american_going_into_the_bathroom_and/
%
I just got a new universal remote

Wow! This changes everything...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367sk2/i_just_got_a_new_universal_remote/
%
What do you say when Kanye West does something that annoys you?

Kanye not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367qfj/what_do_you_say_when_kanye_west_does_something/
%
My neighbors listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367pl1/my_neighbors_listen_to_awesome_music/
%
What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367osg/whats_the_difference_between_my_ex_and_the_titanic/
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Mom: - "Get up Liam, you will be late for school."

- "But I don't wanna go, all the teachers and students hate me."
- "You have to go."
- "Give me one reason why I should go."
- "Your 35, and you're the principal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367lhs/mom_get_up_liam_you_will_be_late_for_school/
%
My roommate just told me he tried to walk to Russia from Alaska.

He pulled up short because he couldn't get his Bering Strait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367kx4/my_roommate_just_told_me_he_tried_to_walk_to/
%
Is it alright to kiss a nun?

Sure, as long as you don't get into the habit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367kfl/is_it_alright_to_kiss_a_nun/
%
What kid of music do old people listen to?

Hip-Pop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367g0s/what_kid_of_music_do_old_people_listen_to/
%
Male Feminists

That's it. That's... that's the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367es5/male_feminists/
%
What do you call a black person on the moon?

An astrounaut you racist bastard!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367cse/what_do_you_call_a_black_person_on_the_moon/
%
The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3679ya/the_new_father/
%
TIL seagulls are not the only birds to poop in-flight

I just read about the great Foo birds of Bolivia. If they hit you, it is considered bad luck to remove the feces until it dries. Roughly translated, the custom is "If the Foo shits, wear it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3678n1/til_seagulls_are_not_the_only_birds_to_poop/
%
I met a pirate the other day, whose parrot was saying, "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!"

I said, "Shouldn't that be pieces of eight?"
The pirate replied, "Arrrrr, it's a parroty error."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3676md/i_met_a_pirate_the_other_day_whose_parrot_was/
%
Two Thai girls offered me a threesome. It was like winning the lottery.

When we stripped off we had six matching balls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3672mp/two_thai_girls_offered_me_a_threesome_it_was_like/
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You're ABCDEFGHIJK

A wife to her husband:
- "How would you describe me?"
- "ABCDEFGHIJK"
- "What does that mean?"
- "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous and hot."
- "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
- "I'm just kidding!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366zjo/youre_abcdefghijk/
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Did you know that food coloring is very bad for you?

If you happen to drink too much you will dye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366zi0/did_you_know_that_food_coloring_is_very_bad_for/
%
A man gets into an argument with his wife...

...and wins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366yea/a_man_gets_into_an_argument_with_his_wife/
%
Well, Bad Hint Teacher, Bad Hint!

Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366wfo/well_bad_hint_teacher_bad_hint/
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Can’t believe how weird my wife is.

Every time we have a conversation she always starts with:
- “Did you hear what I just said?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366sm2/cant_believe_how_weird_my_wife_is/
%
What do you call a feminist that raps about women's rights?

Feminem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366rpo/what_do_you_call_a_feminist_that_raps_about/
%
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366r2c/jeff_walks_into_a_bar_and_sees_his_friend_paul/
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I accused the construction man for damaging my sidewalk.

"You are going to need concrete evidence if you want to prove me guilty"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366p93/i_accused_the_construction_man_for_damaging_my/
%
God is Love...

... But Satan does that thing you like with his tongue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366ntx/god_is_love/
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Biker goes to Hell

One day a Biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…
Satan: “Why so glum?”
Biker: “What do you think? I’m in hell!”
Satan: “Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?”
Biker: “Sure, I love to drink.”
Satan: “Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink ’til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.”
Biker: “Gee that sounds great!”
Satan: “You a smoker?”
Biker: “You better believe it.”
Satan: “All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?”
Biker: “Wow…that’s awesome!”
Satan: “I bet you like to gamble.”
Biker: “Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
Satan: “Good,’ cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.”
Biker: “Cool!”
Satan: “What about Drugs?”
Biker: “Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…?”
Satan: “That’s right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.”
Biker: “Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!”
Satan: “You gay?”
Biker: “No……”
Satan: “Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366jtp/biker_goes_to_hell/
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Someone asked me to name my favorite composer...

It made me Bach.  I couldn't get a Handel on it.  I had to make a Liszt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366g0p/someone_asked_me_to_name_my_favorite_composer/
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A woman awakes at night...

A  woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in  bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She  finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front  of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She  watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15."
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do  you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either  you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in  prison?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366fip/a_woman_awakes_at_night/
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Who answers my next question, can go home.

In class the teacher says:
- "Who answers my next question, can go home."
Little Johnny throws his bag out the window.
- "Who just threw that?"
- "Me and I’m going home now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366f31/who_answers_my_next_question_can_go_home/
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What is the difference between a bag of cocaine and a four year old?

Eric Clapton wouldn't drop a bag of cocaine out the window

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366cdz/what_is_the_difference_between_a_bag_of_cocaine/
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What did the penis say to the condom?

**"Cover me! I'm going in!"**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366buk/what_did_the_penis_say_to_the_condom/
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A panda walks into a restaurant

and orders one of everything. The panda finishes up his meal and his bill comes the panda stands up and shoots the waiter. The manager comes out of the back and goes you've eaten all my food and shot my staff and wont even pay your bill what's wrong with you? The panda reply's "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" The manager goes and gets a dictionary he looks up panda and the definition is "Eats shoots and leaves"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/366ame/a_panda_walks_into_a_restaurant/
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A man enters an elevator, and the operator asks him what floor he wants.

The man says "Eighteenth floor." After arriving, the doors open and the operator says "We are here, my son."
The man says "Thanks, but why did you call me your son?"
The operator replies "Because I have brought you up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36692s/a_man_enters_an_elevator_and_the_operator_asks/
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they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him?

grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3668d2/they_asked_a_100year_old_grandpa_why_were_all_the/
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Two men playing golf

Two men are playing golf and they notice a funeral procession driving by on the nearby road.  One of the men takes off his hat and puts it over his heart.  The other man says, "wow, you're a real gentleman."  The man replies "well it's the least I can do we were married for 35 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3665td/two_men_playing_golf/
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What's better than Chrisopher Walken?

Ted Danson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3665fb/whats_better_than_chrisopher_walken/
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Make the horse laugh and win a pot of gold!

A young man went to his local bar one night. As he ordered his beer he seen a sign behind the bar for the customers to read. It read "Make the horse laugh and win a pot of gold."
The man asked about the horse and the barman said he had a depressed horse through the back and it wouldn't stop crying.  He had tried jokes, pranks etc but to no avail. The man thought hed give it a shot. He went through the back and frw minutes later came out and demanded his reward. The barman looked through and seen the horse on its back, chuckling away. The barman gave the man his reward and off he went.
A few days later the same man went to the local bar and ordered his beer as usual. The sign now read "Make the horse cry and win a pot of gold. " The barman then told the young man that since he'd left, the horse hadn't stopped laughing and was keeping him up at night. The young man took the challenge, few seconds later came out and demanded his reward. The barman looked at the horse who was crying and howling. The barman confused asked if he was a horse whisperer and if not how did he do it both times?
The young man proceeded with "Well to make the horse laugh I told him I had a bigger penis than him, and to make him cry, I showed him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3663vg/make_the_horse_laugh_and_win_a_pot_of_gold/
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Modern Pedophiles

A pedophile sits in his van outside a middle school, to try and get 'lucky' with some of the girls just getting out of class.
The first girl walks across the streets from school and he says, "Hey honey, could you come here, I need directions."
She responds she doesn't talk to strangers and keeps walking.
The second girl walks across the streets from school and he says, "Hey honey, could you come here, I'm trying to find the nearest grocery store."
She responds she isn't coming near his weird van and runs away.
Sitting there disgusted and pondering, he looks up to see another girl coming from the school.
The third girl walks across the street from school and he says, " Hey honey, what's your name?" The girl replies, "It's Becky, what do you want creep."
The man says, "Hey Becky, can you help me find a gas station real quick? I'll like all your pictures on instagram."
Becky's been missing for 3 weeks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3660vk/modern_pedophiles/
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Woman on the bus!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365z29/woman_on_the_bus/
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I was trying to make a text art dinosaur today.

I can't ever get the teeth right. I only seem to be able to do them ASCII-dentally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365yis/i_was_trying_to_make_a_text_art_dinosaur_today/
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365xxw/i_want_to_die_peacefully_in_my_sleep_like_my/
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365wro/how_do_you_think_the_unthinkable/
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What's a policeman's favorite gaming console?

wii-u
wii-u
wii-u
wii-u
heh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365wlw/whats_a_policemans_favorite_gaming_console/
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What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?

Polyarmory

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365w8o/what_do_you_call_3_knights_in_a_relationship/
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Oldie but good

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find outt hat she's pregnant!
She is furious.
Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her.
She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming, "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what haveyou got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365vxq/oldie_but_good/
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What is the opposite of Dominoes?

Domi does not know....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365tmz/what_is_the_opposite_of_dominoes/
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What genre can't Ed Sheeran sing ?

Soul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365t20/what_genre_cant_ed_sheeran_sing/
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Letter from Grandma...

Got a letter from Grandma the other day.  She writes...
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the celebration. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I
heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good  luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365sgz/letter_from_grandma/
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What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and....

....I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365qyk/whats_the_difference_between_you_and_a_mallard/
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What name do you give to a frog?

ROBBERT

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365qd6/what_name_do_you_give_to_a_frog/
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A Wife spends the night at a "friend's" house

The next morning, her husband wants to be sure she isn't cheating, so he calls 10 of her friends to ask if she slept there, none of them confirm. A week later, the husband spends the night at a "friend's" house, his wife calls 10 of his friends, 7 of them confirm he slept there and 3 say he's still there sleeping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365pwk/a_wife_spends_the_night_at_a_friends_house/
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CREATE PASSWORD -

"123Bob".
Password must contain no names, be complex and have over 50 characters.
"GameOfThrones"
Password accepted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365pnt/create_password/
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I often go to fancy dress parties dressed as a shark....

Quite honestly, the novelty is wearing a little fin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365luj/i_often_go_to_fancy_dress_parties_dressed_as_a/
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Teenage sex

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’
I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365khy/teenage_sex/
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A man is at the supermarket with his 7 year old son when they walk past the condoms

The boy asks: 'Daddy, what are those?', to which the man replies 'Those are condoms son'. 'What are they for?', asks the boy. His dad replies 'To, ehhm ah eh, protect you from diseases'.
'Why do they sell them in packs of 3, 6 and 12?'.
'Well, the packs of 3 are for 16 year olds. One for friday, one for saturday, and one for sunday.'
'And the packs of 6?'
'Those are for 21 year olds. 2 for friday, 2 for saturday and 2 for sunday.'
'And what are the packs of 12 for?'
'The packs of 12, my son, are for married men like me. One for January, one for February, one for March...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365kdn/a_man_is_at_the_supermarket_with_his_7_year_old/
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It only takes two mice to screw in a light bulb.
The hard part is getting them in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365jwo/how_many_mice_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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First condom

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/365j82/first_condom/
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What, me? Lazy?

Don't get me started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3655af/what_me_lazy/
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TIL: The guy who invented the toothbrush plays the banjo in his spare time.

Anyone else would have called it a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36536g/til_the_guy_who_invented_the_toothbrush_plays_the/
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Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest?

Because it would be economically unviable to market a pharmaceutical in such a vastly unpopulated area.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3651m4/why_dont_they_sell_aspirin_in_the_rainforest/
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Did you hear Ant Man will be in Captain America 3?

I hear it will be a small role

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/364zuq/did_you_hear_ant_man_will_be_in_captain_america_3/
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Yo momma so fat...

She is geographically bipolar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/364z9g/yo_momma_so_fat/
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What do you call ten rabbits walking backwards?

A receding HARE line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/364we0/what_do_you_call_ten_rabbits_walking_backwards/
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Ring the doorbell

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/364ti1/ring_the_doorbell/
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My wife accused me of being immature...

I told her to get out of my fort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/364qf0/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
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Three long term desk jockeys were being vetted for a position as a field agent for the CIA...

A 28 year old newlywed, a 35 year old man who'd been married about a decade, and a 40 year old man who'd married right out of high school. After rigorous testing, they were individually pulled aside and told them that they'd made it through, but during the process they'd found out that their spouse was a spy. Each was handed a gun and told to eliminate the threat.
The young newlywed broke down on the spot, started crying and refused to enter the room. The 35 year old went inside but after a brief time came out with his eyes watering and said he couldn't do it. He handed over his gun and walked off holding his head in shame.
Meanwhile, the man who'd been married over 20 years went in. There were sounds of considerable struggle and his handler ran into the room to find him standing over the limp body of his wife. The handler was shocked, and asked, "What happened?!?" The man looked at him and calmly replied "Some asshole put blanks in the gun, so I had to strangle the bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/364ofz/three_long_term_desk_jockeys_were_being_vetted/
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3 guys just arrived to heaven and...

3 guys just arrived to heaven and then Jesus proceeds to call by their names:
- "Rand" kiss my hand!
- "Pete" kiss my feet!
Then Jesus: Rick!? Why are you running?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/364nr3/3_guys_just_arrived_to_heaven_and/
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NASA was planning on building a restaurant on the moon

They cancelled because they figured it wouldn't have any atmosphere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/364hcc/nasa_was_planning_on_building_a_restaurant_on_the/
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How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just kidding, they don't. They'll just shoot the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/364fys/how_many_police_officers_does_it_take_to_screw_in/
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A Drill Instructor was training a group of new Lieutenants

He gives them the problem of how to raise a flag pole and asks each, in turn, how he would organize the work.
The first Lieutenant says he would have the men dig a hole, slide the poll in and tamp down the earth around it.
The next Lieutenant says much the same except he throws in a few bags of cement to hold it in place.
This goes on with each trainee, in turn, adding more details to the process until they come to the last trainee who is a Sargent who has received a field promotion.
His answer is " I would simply say, 'Sargent, raise the flag pole'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/364eec/a_drill_instructor_was_training_a_group_of_new/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/364cl6/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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A husband and a wife are having an argument while driving... NSFW

... Out of rage, the wife chops off her husbands penis and throws it out the window. It hits a car travelling in the opposite direction. Meanwhile in the other car, a father and his young daughter were driving. Suddenly BOOM a penis smacks their windshield and it flies off.
The daughter asks, "Daddy, what was that?"
"Err, it was a bug sweetie."
"That bug had a pretty big dick didn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36499o/a_husband_and_a_wife_are_having_an_argument_while/
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The cucumber, the pickle and the penis...

After a long, difficult day, a cucumber, a pickle and a penis are all sitting at a bar and talking about all the reasons life sucks. The cucumber goes first.
"I know I've got it the worst; when I get big and juicy, they slice me up and put me on a bed of leaves or drown me in water, it's terrible."
The Pickle chimes in.
"No way buddy, I know I've got it worse then that; when I got pig and juicy, they packed me in a small, glass room with all of my brothers and pour in this disgusting liquid, then after what seems like forever, they take us out one by one and spear us and eat us."
That's when the Penis had had enough.
"You guys don't know how good you have it! When I get big and juicy, they throw a rubber sack over my head, shove me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up all over myself and pass out!"
He lights a cigarette.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36453r/the_cucumber_the_pickle_and_the_penis/
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Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter?

He couldn't remove three nails to save his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36448c/why_was_jesus_such_a_bad_carpenter/
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One day Bob gets a text from his neighbor...

The text reads: "Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt about something and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you aren't home.  Probably more than you, honestly.  I know its no excuse, but I don't get it at home.  But now, I can't live with this guilt any longer.  I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology.  It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later Bob gets a second text from his neighbor: "Sorry, really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."
Edit for clarity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3641fc/one_day_bob_gets_a_text_from_his_neighbor/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/363xo6/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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In memory of B.B. King

So B.B. King met a fan of his one night.  She gushed about how much she loved his music, seen him 50 times, and even got his name tattooed on her.
He asks where the tattoo is, and she says, "well, it's a little embarrassing.  I actually got a "B" on each buttcheek. I was really drunk that night."
He laughs and said he'd love to see that, so she obliges.   When she hikes down her pants and bends slightly forward, he says, " I thought you were a fan of mine...... Who the hell is BoB?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/363lt6/in_memory_of_bb_king/
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Surprising the Cows

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by little Johnny who has run in out of breath to shout, “Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is f***ing the cow!”
Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young little Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. “You should have said, ‘The bull is surprising the cow’ or the bull is servicing the cow, not some filth you picked up at school,” he says.
A few days later, little Johnny comes in excited again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining.
“Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!”
The adults share a knowing grin and Uncle John says, “Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot ’surprise’ more than one cow at a time you know.”
“Yes he can!” replies his obstinate nephew, “He’s f***ing the horse!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/363fjm/surprising_the_cows/
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Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him He isn't your father."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/363b2a/sondaddy_i_fell_in_love_want_to_date_this_awesome/
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Porn gives unrealistic expectations.

The plumber took his usual £60 per hour, even though I sucked his cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/363ap7/porn_gives_unrealistic_expectations/
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How to ask for a raise

Employee: Sir, I really need a salary increment, 4 companies are after me.
Boss: Which 4?
Employee: Electricity, Gas, Cable, Credit Card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3639gm/how_to_ask_for_a_raise/
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My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I "ruined" her birthday...

..I'm not sure how that's possible, I didn't even know it was her fucking birthday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3637rp/my_girlfriend_isnt_talking_to_me_because/
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Three ducks walk into a bar...

The first duck walks up to the bar and the bartender asks "What's your name, what's your drink, and how was your day?" the first duck replies "My name is Bill, I'll have a rye and coke, and I had a GREAT day! I was in and out of puddles all day! Splashing around, gettin' wet, having fun!"
The second duck walks in. The bartender asks the duck "What's your name, what's your drink, and how was your day?" The duck says, "My name's Joe, I'll have a gin and tonic, and I had a GREAT day! I was in and out of puddles all day! Splashing around, getting wet, having fun!"
The third duck walks into the bar, the barkeeper asks him "What's your name, what's your drink, and how was your day?" the duck looks him dead in the eyes and replies "My name is Puddles, I'll have three shots of tequila, and I don't want to talk about my f**king day."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3637q1/three_ducks_walk_into_a_bar/
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Two nuns are riding their bikes down a Paris street..

One looks to the other and says "You know, I've never come this way before." The second replies, "Must be the cobblestones."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3633cw/two_nuns_are_riding_their_bikes_down_a_paris/
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Why would it suck to be an egg?

Because you only get laid once, only get smashed once, and the only chick that sits on your face is your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3630q0/why_would_it_suck_to_be_an_egg/
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First day of med school

It's the first day of med school and a teacher takes the students to a morgue. "Lesson 1: it's very important that you get used to the human body and are completely at ease with all manner of things." So he takes his finger and shoves it up a corpse's butt and pulls it out. He then puts his finger in his mouth and sucks it. "Now all of you do the same." All the students cringe as they go through one by one. "Lesson 2: It's even more important that you pay attention. You'll notice I put my index finger into the corpse and sucked my middle finger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362x1u/first_day_of_med_school/
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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362t13/what_do_you_call_two_mexicans_playing_basketball/
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Blood donation

I donated my blood and they told me I was Type-A.
Apparently it was a Type-O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362skq/blood_donation/
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A man walks into a zoo...

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362r5z/a_man_walks_into_a_zoo/
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A guy approaches the cute cashier at the grocery store...

His basket contains a bag of Doritos, a quart of milk, and one TV dinner.
The cashier looks up and says, "You're single, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how'd you know?"
"Cuz your ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362pyq/a_guy_approaches_the_cute_cashier_at_the_grocery/
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The blind

A blind guy visited his choir mistress
at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.
After bathing, she came out naked
drying herself in front of him and
she tried to make a conversation by
asking him, "Brother Sam, what brings you here? Is everything fine at home?" "He replied, "Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye operation, so I can see now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362oxj/the_blind/
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Animals on drugs

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362oeo/animals_on_drugs/
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On Sunday, a user posted the joke "Jesus"...which was quickly buried...

Its been 3days, has anyone seen it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362nwc/on_sunday_a_user_posted_the_joke_jesuswhich_was/
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An SQL query walks into a bar ...

Walks up to two tables and says:
"CAN I JOIN YOU?";
----
^^^Sequel ^^^to ^^^this ^^^joke ^^^coming ^^^soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362m16/an_sql_query_walks_into_a_bar/
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Why did God make farts smell?

So that deaf people could enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362i2n/why_did_god_make_farts_smell/
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A Tale of Two Trees

Once, two trees stood tall on a hill, next to each other, a birch and a beech tree. One day, a new, small tree begins to grow between them. They start arguing, unable to tell if it's a son of a birch or a son of a beech. Then, they see the woodpecker arrive, and the birch says, "Woodpecker, I know you're an expert in trees. Is that tree a son of a birch or a son of a beech?" And the woodpecker responds, "I don't know and I don't care, because that's the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker into."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362hbq/a_tale_of_two_trees/
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Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They got 6 months each

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362h6k/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_who_stole_a/
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The life of a penis is a sad one....

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362eia/the_life_of_a_penis_is_a_sad_one/
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Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour....

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362cuk/two_girlfriends_were_speeding_down_the_highway_at/
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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff..

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided
to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work"
and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who
was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without  any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it
has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing
it for them."
The room fell silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362bqf/a_us_marine_colonel_was_about_to_start_the/
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A man goes to the zoo, and the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog...

it was a shitzu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3627tf/a_man_goes_to_the_zoo_and_the_only_animal_in_the/
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Satan appeared before a small town congregation.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36277a/satan_appeared_before_a_small_town_congregation/
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Ducks....

When ducks are flying south for the winter they fly in a V formation.If you ever notice one side of the "V" is always longer than the other side,do you know why that is?
There are more ducks on that side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3626or/ducks/
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A church tale

An Alabama preacher
said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong
to the Ku Klux Klan.
'This is a
horrible lie and one which a Christian
community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed
and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the
party who did this to stand and ask
forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved.
The preacher
continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me
and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will
be forgiven and in your heart you will feel
glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that
would stop traffic... rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed
and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend
there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you
were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply
told a couple of my friends that you were a
wizard under the sheets.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3625kg/a_church_tale/
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An Asian man goes to the eye doctor

The eye doctor says, "Sir, you have a cataract".
And the Asian man says, "No, I have a Rincoln Contirental".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3624c3/an_asian_man_goes_to_the_eye_doctor/
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What is the most popular Canadian poultry restaurant?

Chic-fil, eh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3622bk/what_is_the_most_popular_canadian_poultry/
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Your cat died.

A guy goes on a trip abroad and has his best friend stay with his mom to help with her and cat-sit his cat. A couple days go by and  he calls his friend and asks how his cat is and he replies "Sorry, but your cat was run over and died."
"Why would you break it to me like that? I need to be prepared for something like that. You should have said that he climbed on roof and we're trying to get him down. The next day I ask you how's my cat and you tell me that firefighters got him down but then he ran off scared into the street and was hit. Next day I ask how's my cat and you say he's doing better thanks to the vet. And then the next day you respond that he took a turn for the worse and died. You see? I would have been prepared and would have be easier to handle than just dropping the bomb on me."
He then asks how his mom is taking it. His friend replies, "Well, she climbed up on the roof and we're trying to get her down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36219o/your_cat_died/
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Husband and Wife

A husband and wife are on their honeymoon and laying in bed the wife says, "I am so happy. We are going to have a wonderful life together. Is there anything I can do for you?" The man replies, "Please give me a blowjob." His wife quickly tells him, "I can't do that, honey. You wouldn't respect me." Every anniversary the wife asks the same question and every year the husband asks for head. Each time she replies, "I can't do that. You wouldn't respect me." Finally, on their 50th anniversary the husband says, "Look, we have spent 50 wonderful years together and raised a beautiful family. We are proud grandparents and both enjoying our retirement. Could you please give me a blowjob? It's all I ever wanted." The wife thinks about it for a moment and despite her worries of her husband not respecting her, she decides to do it. This blowjob was 50 years in the waiting and the man was thoroughly enjoying it. A few moments into it and the phone rings. The husband picks it up and looks down at his wife and hands the phone to her and says, "Here. It's for you, cocksucker."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/361xjw/husband_and_wife/
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What was the statistician's fetish?

Let's just say he had the standard deviation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/361vyc/what_was_the_statisticians_fetish/
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Why are yogurt eaters sophisticated?

Because they're WELL-CULTURED.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/361umx/why_are_yogurt_eaters_sophisticated/
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One more from the 85 year old shriner to get you smiling into the weekend.

A man came home late at night drunk. His wife was waiting up worried. She sees he has gold glitter on him. She suspects he was at a strip club so she asks "Where the hell have you been?”
He says, "The Golden Bar that just opened up. They have golden chairs, golden glasses, everything is gold!”
His wife suspects this is a lie, and says "I've never heard of it ".
The man drunkenly pulls out a napkin that has a phone number on it and says "call them!"
She hears a voice on the other line say "Thanks for calling, we have live music and drink specials every Friday. How may i help you?"
She yells “Do you really have golden chairs at your bar?”
“Absolutely ma’am.” replies the voice on the other end.
“And what about golden glasses?” she asks.
“Yes, we have those" comes the reply.
The husband starts to grin and smugly says "I told you! They even have a golden toilet!"
The wife says to the voice on the other line “My husband says you even have a golden toilet?”
She hears the bartender say “Hold on a minute miss…Johnny, I think I know who took a shit in your tuba!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/361s7b/one_more_from_the_85_year_old_shriner_to_get_you/
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What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/361pk7/what_concert_costs_45_cents/
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Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the "P" is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/361pcy/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_going_to_the/
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Not proof-reading ruins lives

A husband wrote the following to his wife: "I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/361pac/not_proofreading_ruins_lives/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/361o3w/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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LIAR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/361l2c/liar/
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/361g05/two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of_them/
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Lawyer named strange

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/361bae/lawyer_named_strange/
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A genie appears in front of a middle-aged wife at home.

"I can grant you one wish," the genie says.
"Well," the woman said thoughtfully, "My husband hasn't been fun in bed for a while... I want you to turn my old cat into a manly friend!" She points at an old, fat cat resting lazily on the couch.
"Granted," the genie says as he disappears, and the cat transforms into a handsome, muscular Brad Pitt clone.
The woman jumps into his arms. "Any words before we make sweet love?"
"Yes," says the man. "I bet you wish you hadn't neutered me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/361a2i/a_genie_appears_in_front_of_a_middleaged_wife_at/
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What do you call a spider that wants to overthrow the government?

An anarchid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36163s/what_do_you_call_a_spider_that_wants_to_overthrow/
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Why does everyone hate Hitler? The man was a hero...

After all he did kill Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/360sdj/why_does_everyone_hate_hitler_the_man_was_a_hero/
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where do babies come from?

mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/360r61/where_do_babies_come_from/
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What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room?

You washer and dryer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/360ok8/what_do_you_do_if_your_daughter_gets_dirty_in_the/
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9/10 dentists recommend good dental hygiene...

The other dentist is from England.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/360kzw/910_dentists_recommend_good_dental_hygiene/
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A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".
The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."
**EDIT**: Okaaay, this is on the front page? It's a joke my friends 9 year old son told me that's so dumb it made me chuckle so I thought I'd share it. I'd never heard it before, which apparently is some kind of crime according to the comments.
Comment breakdown:
*  "This joke is so old, you're a terrible person for posting it"
*  "The way this joke really goes is something about a chicken/goldfish/Chinese apples not mattering"
*  "Why did you mark this NSFW?!" (hint: because I wanted to click the NSFW link for some reason)
*  Some stuff about my mom
*  Some comments about me being 12 (I'm 35 BTW)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/360jni/a_boy_goes_up_to_a_girl_and_says_hey_baby_whats_up/
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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down-And possibly use a lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/360fbz/what_should_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts/
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A priest, rapist, and pedophile walk into a bar

He orders a drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/360e7g/a_priest_rapist_and_pedophile_walk_into_a_bar/
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I never trust atoms

They make up everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3607rh/i_never_trust_atoms/
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Race jokes are all the same

Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/360758/race_jokes_are_all_the_same/
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Told by my 11yo son.

A woman gets a brand new laptop and is excitedly setting it up. The machine asks her to set her password. Husband tells her to use "mypenis". So she does, but the computer responds "ERROR. Not long enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3604od/told_by_my_11yo_son/
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Pranking the police

A couple of pranksters broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3604hp/pranking_the_police/
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Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36009t/why_dont_kleptomaniacs_understand_metaphors/
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The old man and the frog.

An old man is walking down the street one day when he hears a voice.
"Excuse me, sir."
The old man looks around, but there's nobody nearby, so he continues walking.  He doesn't make it another step when he hears the voice again.
"Down here."
The man stops, and looks down at the ground where a frog is sitting casually.  The old man looks around again, just to make sure there's nobody to witness him actually trying to talk to a frog, and says, "That can't have been you."
"Yes sir, it was," said the frog.  "I'm not really a frog though.  I'm actually a young, beautiful princess who was cursed into this form.  If you kiss me, I will revert back to my human self and will grant you the wildest night of sex you've ever had."
The old man ponders this for a moment, looks left, looks right, then bends down, picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket, and continues on his way.
A muffled voice comes from his pocket saying, "Wait!  Didn't you hear what I said?"
The old man replies, "Oh, I heard you just fine.  At my age though, I think I'd rather have a talking frog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35zykb/the_old_man_and_the_frog/
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Singing BlowJob

A man who had just moved into a new town was bored, and was looking for some entertainment. He asks his neighbor what there is to do in the town, and his neighbor tells him to go to the local bar and ask for the singing blowjob. Obviously this man is not going to turn down something called the singing blowjob, so he decides to check it out. He goes to the bar and asks the bartender for the singing blowjob. The bartender asks the man if he has a flashlight, to which the man says no. The bartender leads the man to the basement and says just follow the singing. The man hears the most beautiful voice he has ever heard and made his way to where the noise was coming from. He makes it to the woman in the pitch black room, she starts blowing him, but the singing does not stop. The guy is confused as hell but doesn't question it because it's the greatest blowjob he's ever gotten. She finishes him and he goes home. Direly wanting to know how the hell the woman sang as she blew him, the man decides to go back, except this time he brings a flashlight. He goes to the bar, and lies to the bartender about not having a flashlight. The man goes to the basement, hears the beautiful voice, and walks towards the woman. Again, she starts blowing him, but continues to sing. The man needing to know how she does it finally turns on the flashlight. The first thing he sees is an eyepatch resting on a table...
I leave you with that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ztza/singing_blowjob/
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What's the hardest thing about rollerskating?

Telling your parents that you're gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35zrak/whats_the_hardest_thing_about_rollerskating/
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Whats the difference between a Jew and a Boyscout?

A boyscout comes home from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35zohn/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_boyscout/
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Romance

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.  When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate...and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fairto warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that'sgoing to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35zh3v/romance/
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What's the fastest way to get a female Officer to arrest you?

Liquor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35zgqv/whats_the_fastest_way_to_get_a_female_officer_to/
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Why are elephants like eggs?

I like mine poached.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35zfty/why_are_elephants_like_eggs/
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When I was a kid, I had to quit the marching band based on my religious principles.

I was a real tuba leaver back then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35zf9c/when_i_was_a_kid_i_had_to_quit_the_marching_band/
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What does a German snake sound like?

ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35zd5m/what_does_a_german_snake_sound_like/
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Don't vaccinate your children!

Let a trained medical professional do it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35zc7h/dont_vaccinate_your_children/
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What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo Bean?

I didn't just pay $500 to have a Garbanzo Bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35z97j/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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The Marine and the Liberal Arts Major

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you got any?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no nookie since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35z8e2/the_marine_and_the_liberal_arts_major/
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Plane trouble

The pilot comes over the PA system and say's. "Folks, we are slowly
losing altitude. We have thrown out all the luggage and everything we
could now we are going to start with the passenger's in alphabetical
order."
"African American" - "African American", any African American's?
"Blacks" - "Blacks", any Black's?
"Coloreds" - "Coloreds", any Colored's?
A little black boy turns to his mother and ask, "Mom, aren't we African
American's?" "Aren't we Black?" "Aren't we Colored?"
His mom turned to him and said, "Hush, today we're Niggers, let the
Mexicans go first!"
The little black boy turns to the little Mexican boy and said, ha-ha,
you're going to jump first Mexican boy!"
The little Mexican boy said, "That's what you think nigger, "Today we're
Wet Back's!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35z5s2/plane_trouble/
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Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the water trap but still lands in the water. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it lands in the water a fish jumps out of the water and catches the ball in his mouth, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws, then the eagle flies over the green and is hit by a sudden bolt lightning and the eagle drops the fish.
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls in for a hole in one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we won't bring you next time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35z30z/jesus_moses_and_an_old_man_are_playing_golf/
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A Hindu, a Jew and a televangelist...

A Hindu, a Jew, and a televangelist are driving down a desolate road late at night, when suddenly the car breaks down in front of a farm.  They decide to see if the folks who live on the farm will let them sleep there for the night so they can call a tow truck in the morning.
They knock on the door of the house, and after hearing of their situation, the farmer says, "I'd be glad to give you accommodations for the night.  I only have two spare beds, though, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn."  The Hindu says, "No problem.  I'll sleep in the barn.  You guys sleep comfortably."  The Hindu goes out to the barn and the Jew and televangelist get ready for bed.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the door.  The farmer opens it and there stands the Hindu.  The Hindu says, "I'm really sorry about this, but there's a cow in that barn, and cows are sacred to my people.  Knowing that that cow is eventually going to become food makes me feel like I can't in good conscience share a room with it."  The Jew says, "That's no problem.  I'll sleep out in the barn.  You take the other spare bed."
Five minutes later there's a knock on the door.  The farmer opens it and there stands the Jew.  He says, "I noticed there was a pig in that barn.  My people are not allowed to eat pork on Fridays, and knowing that that pig is being raised to eventually become pork just makes me feel too uncomfortable to sleep in that barn with it."  The televangelist immediately says, "Don't worry about it--I understand.  Go back and take the bed you were going to sleep in and I'll gladly sleep in the barn.  I'm sure nothing in there will bother me."
Five minutes later there's a knock on the door.  The farmer opens the door, and there stand the cow and the pig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35z1mq/a_hindu_a_jew_and_a_televangelist/
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A psychic dwarf escaped from prison

There's a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35z1cz/a_psychic_dwarf_escaped_from_prison/
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A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...

and spots a speeder.
He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."
The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35yy70/a_state_trooper_lays_in_wait_at_a_speed_trap/
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A man walks into a hospital...

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two Black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a Difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of The cows had something white at its rear end.'
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball With my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's Arse.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks Like yours!''
I don't remember much after that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ywan/a_man_walks_into_a_hospital/
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Two brooms got married...

So these two brooms had just gotten married, and they're sitting at the wedding party's table in the banquet hall enjoying dinner.  The bride-broom leans over to the groom-broom and says, "You know...I was going to wait until our honey-broom to tell you this but... well... let me just ask you this: are you ready for the pitter-patter of little bristles dragging across the floor?"  The groom-broom, shocked, replies, "How can that be?!  We've never even swept together!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35yv0d/two_brooms_got_married/
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State Trooper

A  State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main
highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a
young man
behind the wheel, reading a magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her
fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and
gently raps
on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks:  'What are you doing'?
The young man says:  'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says:  'And
her,
what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs:  'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused.
A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ...
And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: 'And her,  .... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies:  'She'll be 18 in 11
minutes.. '

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35yr9e/state_trooper/
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I came across a lost kid in my neighborhood the other day

Now I have to register everywhere I live and put a sign in my yard :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35yr92/i_came_across_a_lost_kid_in_my_neighborhood_the/
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Why couldn't the Italian get into his house?

Because he had gnocchi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35yr7s/why_couldnt_the_italian_get_into_his_house/
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In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth....

And the rest was made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ypfa/in_the_beginning_god_created_the_heavens_and_the/
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Morning sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ypc1/morning_sex/
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Three nuns die and go to heaven... [NSFW]

.. Peter welcomes them at the gate and says:
"Before I can let the three of you enter Heaven, I have to ask you a question. It will simply be formality for you, but I have to anyways". He approaches the first nun and asks "Do you have any sin to confess? " The nun looks down and confesses, shamefully, that she did committed a sin and it was of sexual nature. “What is it?” asks Peter “I gave a handjob to our priest”.
Disconcerted, Peter presents a fountain to the nun and tells her “Wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter the gate”. She washes her hands and enters heaven.
Peter then approaches the second nun and asks “Do you have any…” Suddendly, the third nun runs to the fountain, takes a big sip of holy water and washes her mouth. Peter, taken aback, yells at her “Ya allah ! What the heck are you doing ?"
The third nun spits and yells back "Well, I’d rather do it now than after she washes her asshole in it "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ynwf/three_nuns_die_and_go_to_heaven_nsfw/
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Whats the difference between a woman and a battery

a battery has a positive side

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35yki0/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_and_a_battery/
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Why was the calendar nervous?

It's days were numbered!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35yjpb/why_was_the_calendar_nervous/
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"NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT, I Just Want You To Hold Me".

Last week, my girlfriend and i were in bed kissing passionately and getting sensual. As our passion began to heat'up, she said..... "NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT, I Just Want You To Hold Me".
I screamed "WHAT??!!" "What Was That?!" She replied...."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man". She further added...."Can't you just love me for who i am, and not what i do for you in the bedroom?".
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, i just went to sleep.
The next day, i decided to cancel going to school so that i could spend time with her. We went out and had a nice lunch, then i took her shopping at a very big boutique. I walked around with her as she tried on several expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so i told her we would just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so i surprised her by telling her to just get a pair of shoes for each cloth she selects.
We went over to the jewelry section where she picked'out a pair of gold earrings. She was so excited, she also asked for a Bracelet and a Wrist'Watch, and i surprised her further when i replied..."That's Okay Honey, You Can Have Them All".
She was on'top of the world from all the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said...."I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when i replied her...."NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT". Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT"??!!. I further said...."Honey I Just Want You To Hold Those Things For A While". "You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman".
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, i further added.... "Why can't you just love me for who i am, and not for the things i buy you?". Apparently she won't allow me touch her this night either, but at least she knows am smarter than her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35yfy7/no_baby_i_dont_feel_like_doing_it_i_just_want_you/
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Two men were talking

When one says to the other: "Man, I don't know what to do, my wife hasn't spoken to me in 3 days..."
The other replies: "You better take good care of her, man, it's not easy to find a woman like that!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35yfp6/two_men_were_talking/
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Women only call me ugly until they see how much money I make...

Then they don't call me at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35yc6p/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_see_how_much/
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My Stephen Hawking book finally arrived from eBay.

It's about time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35yc0i/my_stephen_hawking_book_finally_arrived_from_ebay/
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A Toast

Every Friday night, at the local pub, the regulars gather, enjoy each other’s company and ‘toast the night away'…
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's Only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35y92y/a_toast/
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A Mexican magician says he can disappear on the count of three

Unos, dos, *poof*
He disappeared without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35y88g/a_mexican_magician_says_he_can_disappear_on_the/
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When I worked at the shoe store...

I was the sole employee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35y7fh/when_i_worked_at_the_shoe_store/
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Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" means basically the same thing...

...except at a funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35y421/saying_im_sorry_and_i_apologize_means_basically/
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Giving the devil his due

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where    the devil is waiting for him
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and says...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35y0xm/giving_the_devil_his_due/
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When I was in the army our commanding officer always made decisions based on the way our whole unit felt.

I kind of miss him. Good ol' General Consensus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35y0ko/when_i_was_in_the_army_our_commanding_officer/
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Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican?

They keep stealing the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xwdr/why_cant_you_play_uno_with_a_mexican/
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Why wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xvzm/why_wife_accused_me_of_being_a_transvestite/
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He's going to fall down!

A 90 year old man was in a retirement home. While sitting on a chair he started leaning to the left, so much that the nurse was afraid he would fall down. So she straighten him up and put a pillow on his left side to keep him up.
Later he started leaning to the right. The nurse straighten him up again and put another pillow on that side too. Later the old man started leaning forwards, so the nurse put a pillow on his lap to keep him up.
Later the old man's son came to visit. He asked "Hey Dad, how do you like this place?"
"It's not bad", said the old man. "But this bitch won't let me fart."‎

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xsx1/hes_going_to_fall_down/
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Marriage is like a deck of cards...

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xsrw/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/
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It's Dark In Here

Its dark in here
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “$750?
Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xrbp/its_dark_in_here/
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If smoking weed ruins your short term memory...

...then what does smoking weed do?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xptk/if_smoking_weed_ruins_your_short_term_memory/
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef :-D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xol1/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
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What do you call a Chinese man with a bad sense of direction?

Wong Wei

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xoei/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_man_with_a_bad_sense/
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Justin Bieber has said, "I feel like the Kurt Cobain of my generation, but people just don't understand me."

By a curious co-incidence, Kurt Cobain, contacted in a seance, said, "I felt like the Justin Bieber of my generation, so I killed myself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xnr7/justin_bieber_has_said_i_feel_like_the_kurt/
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They recently took a poll asking, "Who is the best dog in the world."

"You are! Yes, you are!" won in a landslide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xlnu/they_recently_took_a_poll_asking_who_is_the_best/
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What is White, Fluffy and swings through a cake shop?

A Merangue-utang :-D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xl6m/what_is_white_fluffy_and_swings_through_a_cake/
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One day I'll cure blindness.

You'll see! You'll all see!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xjdo/one_day_ill_cure_blindness/
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Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Because she was a cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xhy7/why_did_the_mexican_push_his_wife_off_a_cliff/
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A little Dutch boy was walking home one day...

When he saw a dyke leaking.. And the puddle was growing quickly.
So,fearing a flood, and being brave,he stuck his finger in the dyke.
She punched the living daylight out of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xhdr/a_little_dutch_boy_was_walking_home_one_day/
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Three ways to get something done

Do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xg42/three_ways_to_get_something_done/
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Two men are discussing their relationships the one man says to the other "I've been married for 25 years to the same woman! I'm getting tired of the same hole"

The other man says "Well have you thought about flipping her over and trying the other hole?" Appalled the first man says "What? And risk getting her pregnant?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xf3t/two_men_are_discussing_their_relationships_the/
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Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past.
She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"
The old man said, "but I won't be able to..."
Prostitute: "c'mon man.... give it a try... "
Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.
When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to...."
"...pay you" replied the old man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xexf/old_man_and_the_prostitute_nsfw/
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John's view of sex

A man and his wife were arguing over sex. Man: Sex is work! Wife: Sex is pleasure! Man: I don’t blame you, you don’t know what men are passing through. Wife: All I know is that sex is pleasure whether you like it or not. With this, the argument lasted for a long time until they decided to invite John (their servant) to hear his own version. Man: “Ehen… John!” John: “Yes boss” Man: “Is sex work or pleasure?” John: “Ehmmm… boss, sex is pleasure because if sex is work, you would have called me to do it for you”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xecy/johns_view_of_sex/
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AT THE DOOR

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xcu2/at_the_door/
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I think my girlfriend is cheating on me.

She keeps screaming some other guy's name when we have sex. Let's just hope I never come across this guy "rape" in a dark alley.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xcav/i_think_my_girlfriend_is_cheating_on_me/
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guts and balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere ?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35x0dc/guts_and_balls/
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Why don't melons marry on a whim?

They cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35wy44/why_dont_melons_marry_on_a_whim/
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The good salesman

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35wu9p/the_good_salesman/
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I found the worlds worst thesaurus.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35wm8o/i_found_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus/
%
Old pirate & his parrot

There was an ol' pirate that had a parrot, generally the parrot was very quiet very little talking and no squawking. One day the parrot very loudly kept repeating How's your bum? How's your bum? How's your bum? Finally the pirate gets mad and yells at the parrot SHUT UP!!!! The parrot answers so is mine. Must be the salt water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35wig9/old_pirate_his_parrot/
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Two hunters were hunting in the woods

When one of them spots a hole in the ground that looks unusually deep. He picks up a rock and throws it in the hole, and never hears it hit the bottom.
"Try something heavier", the other man suggests. They find an old railroad tie nearby, pick it up and throw it down the hole. Two seconds later a goat comes speeding out of the bushes right toward them nearly knocking them in, then falls in the hole.
"What the hell was that!!!!?", one of the men say.
Just then another man runs up and says, "Please, have you seen my goat? It was just here.
"Yes", they reply. "It came charging right at us nearly knocking us in this hole it jumped in!!"
The man says, "That's impossible. I had him tied to a railroad tie."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35we8w/two_hunters_were_hunting_in_the_woods/
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What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35we44/whats_red_and_smells_like_blue_paint/
%
A teenage boy goes fishing with his grandpa every year during the summer...

They're on the boat one hot day and grandpa's sipping on a nice ice cold beer; he brings a whole cooler of beers every day. The boy says, "Gee grandpa, that beer sure looks tasty, can I have one?" Grandpa replies, "Well, that depends sonny, is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" "Ummm.....no..." "Well, you can't have a beer then." The boy goes on another fishing trip with his grandpa next summer. He sees his grandpa having a beer on another blistering hot day. "Grandpa, can I pleeeeaasseee have a beer?" "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole yet?" "*sigh* No grandpa, it's not.." "Then you STILL can't have a beer you little fucker!" The next year, the boy pleads to grandpa, "Please, please, please, grandpa, can I have a fucking beer?!?!" "Well that depends..." "YES GRANDPA, MY DICK IS LONG ENOUGH TO TOUCH MY ASSHOLE NOW!!" ........."Well then you can go fuck yourself because this is my beer ya' little prick!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35wdmr/a_teenage_boy_goes_fishing_with_his_grandpa_every/
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Which boxer did Darth Vader put his money on in the fight?

The Thai fighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35w5np/which_boxer_did_darth_vader_put_his_money_on_in/
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I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic`.
"Woah” I said, "I don't know if I could keep up the pace with you now.. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute.
"Anyway" she said giggling "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to fuck off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35w1un/i_got_a_phone_call_from_a_gorgeous_exgirlfriend/
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CELEBRATION

Husband takes the wife to a night
party. There’s a guy on the dance
floor dancing happily –
breakdancing, moonwalking, back
flips, doing shoki. The wife turns to
her husband and says, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to
me and I turned him down.”
Husband says, “Looks like he’s still
celebrating!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35vzk1/celebration/
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How old guys pick up women.

I am getting on in years and not the best looking
guy anymore.
Some would even say I'm a little frayed around
the edges. But, I have a nice car, a little money
and I spend most of my time casually traveling
from place to place and enjoying life.
I met a nice looking girl in a park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us. And all of
a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then
immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the
grass at my feet.
As we lay there making love, I thought ...
"Wow, these Tasers are really worth the money!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35vx2k/how_old_guys_pick_up_women/
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THE ENGINEER AND THE FROG

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35vtwn/the_engineer_and_the_frog/
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Yo mama is so fat that when she fell in love

She broke it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35vtjh/yo_mama_is_so_fat_that_when_she_fell_in_love/
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Why does Kim Jong Un love books

Because he's the glorious Reader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35vppr/why_does_kim_jong_un_love_books/
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C, E-flat, and G go into a bar

. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't
serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between
them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F
comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D
comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a
second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this
relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at
the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found
in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit
with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight.
Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon
takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C
sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to
trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is
sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional
facility.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35vmtc/c_eflat_and_g_go_into_a_bar/
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Rihanna.

Sorry, I put the punch line in the tittle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ve08/rihanna/
%
Irish man's first baseball game.

An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!"
The Irish man jumped up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!"
The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN! RUN!"
The Irish man jumped up yelling "Run laddie! Run laddie!"
The third batter got up got ball 1...ball 2...ball 3...ball 4.....The umpire yelled "Take your base!"
The batter jogged to the base.
The Irish man jumped up an yelled "Run laddie! Run laddie!"
Another fan looked at him and said, "He does not need to run, for he has 4 balls!"
The Irish man's jaw dropped, and turned and said, "Walk with pride, lad! Walk with pride!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35v5wj/irish_mans_first_baseball_game/
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Potatoe Planting

An old farmer wrote to his son who
was in prison "...I won't be able to
plant potatoes and other things this
year because I can't dig the field, I
know if you were here you would
have helped me." The son wrote back, "Dad, don't even
think of digging the field do you want
to expose me? That's where I buried
the money I stole." The police read the letter before
delivering it to the father, and the next
day the whole field was dug by police
but nothing was found. The following day the son wrote to his
father again, "Now you can plant your
potatoes Dad, your farm has been dug
for you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35v4ne/potatoe_planting/
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Did you hear about the couple who stole a calendar?

They both got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35v0vo/did_you_hear_about_the_couple_who_stole_a_calendar/
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A blind man walks into a bar...

And a table. And a chair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35uz8k/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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I often wonder if people at work can tell I'm using Tinder just by my hand motions...

but then I realize they probably don't care WHY I'm masturbating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35uuxv/i_often_wonder_if_people_at_work_can_tell_im/
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I got caught masturbating by the fedex guy

I shouldn't have answered the door, but you gotta sign for that shit or wait til he comes again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35uu69/i_got_caught_masturbating_by_the_fedex_guy/
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Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia.

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its  hilarious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35upxd/ranji_is_a_9yr_old_boy_living_in_namibia/
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'Economic Stimulus' payment

Sometime this year,  we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program,  and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:
Q.  What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q..  Where will the government get this money ?
A.  From taxpayers.
Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A.  Only a smidgen of it.
Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?
A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set,  thus stimulating the economy.
Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A.  Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
*  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart,  the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
*  If you spend it on gasoline,  your money will go to the
Arabs.
*  If you purchase a computer,  it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
*  If you purchase fruit and vegetables,  it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala ...
*  If you buy an efficient  car,  it will go to Japan or Korea .
*  If  you purchase useless stuff,  it will go to Taiwan .
*  If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock,  it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead,  keep the money in America by:
1)  Spending it at yard sales,  or
2)  Going to ball games,  or
3)  Spending it on prostitutes,  or
4)  Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me,  I'm just glad I could be of help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35unou/economic_stimulus_payment/
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Thor, upon his mighty steed, approaches his enemy, Thanos. Thanos asks "Who might you be?"

"I AM THORRRR!!!"
His horse perks up and says "Well, then wear a thaddle thilly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35unm4/thor_upon_his_mighty_steed_approaches_his_enemy/
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They say Kim Jong Un is heartless and a murder...

It's because he has no Seoul

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35umeh/they_say_kim_jong_un_is_heartless_and_a_murder/
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ABORTION BILL

A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"
The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ulmh/abortion_bill/
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Police calls man at work

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says,
“I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35uh6w/police_calls_man_at_work/
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What is a happy cowboy's favorite candy?

A jolly rancher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ugel/what_is_a_happy_cowboys_favorite_candy/
%
Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35uesh/why_do_farts_smell/
%
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...

After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.
"What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim.
"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks."
The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out.
The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35u960/a_new_yorker_a_nebraskan_a_georgian_and_a/
%
My little sister's cat died...

...she cried telling me she needs another identical one. I got her one today, but i don't know why she needs another dead cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35u8oh/my_little_sisters_cat_died/
%
Who was the first carpenter ever?

Eve, she made Adam's banana stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35u79h/who_was_the_first_carpenter_ever/
%
So North Korea's Kim Jong-Un executes it's defense chief with an anti-aircraft gun.

I bet he took a lot of flak for that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35u6nv/so_north_koreas_kim_jongun_executes_its_defense/
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Kermit and Miss Piggy

are in bed and Miss Piggy says "Kermit what are you going to do to my asshole tonight" Kermit replied "Rippit".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35u4me/kermit_and_miss_piggy/
%
What do you call a Jewish Pokémon Trainer?

Ash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35u4bh/what_do_you_call_a_jewish_pokémon_trainer/
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Muslim Band

I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.
They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!
Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35u38a/muslim_band/
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My hard driving, asshole boss just quit the company, he announced he's moving to Taiwan!

apparently he has a Taipei personality ...
Sorry for the Taipo - /u/damn_wiston

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35u1r3/my_hard_driving_asshole_boss_just_quit_the/
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- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?
Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife
Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.
Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:
- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.
Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
- You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35tyhl/daddy_what_is_the_difference_between_potential/
%
Vegetarians have been screaming, "Save the Animals!" for years.

If they were really interested in animals, why do they keep beating a dead horse?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35txyw/vegetarians_have_been_screaming_save_the_animals/
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Good Job Private Daredevil!

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he
heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and
shouted:
Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good
night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night,"
what I really mean is "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small
voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark
room:
"Good Night, Sergeant"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35tvpe/good_job_private_daredevil/
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35trzk/what_do_you_get_when_you_mix_an_insomniac_an/
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Two Musicians

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35toj6/two_musicians/
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At the end of my 21st birthday meal, I mentioned to my dad that the waiter had been really friendly and accommodating.

So he hands him a 100 euro note and goes, "As the leper said to the prostitute, 'You can keep the tip!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35tnsq/at_the_end_of_my_21st_birthday_meal_i_mentioned/
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What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?

Tug-of-whore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35tmrw/what_do_you_call_2_guys_fighting_over_a_slut/
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Russian dolls

I hate Russian dolls... so full of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35tmca/russian_dolls/
%
Why do you never see an elephant hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35tlpl/why_do_you_never_see_an_elephant_hiding_in_trees/
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Classic dad joke, but in bad taste

So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35thna/classic_dad_joke_but_in_bad_taste/
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I kicked my rear-view mirror addiction...

I'm never looking back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35th7d/i_kicked_my_rearview_mirror_addiction/
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DISEASE

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."
Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35te6d/disease/
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My Thai girlfriend says small penis is not a problem...

..but I still think she should not have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35tcf5/my_thai_girlfriend_says_small_penis_is_not_a/
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What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.  "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.  "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question.  "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"  And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.  This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35tbx3/what_did_eve_say_to_adam_after_she_had_her/
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From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35t7x5/from_my_dad_what_do_you_get_when_a_topless_blonde/
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If at first you don't succeed......

......then skydiving is *not* for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35t7f2/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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What did the grape say when a boulder fell on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35sqzi/what_did_the_grape_say_when_a_boulder_fell_on_it/
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A genie eh....

Walking through the Sahara a man stumbles upon a peculiar lamp. The man immediately assumes this lamp is magical and begins to rub, and to his surprise it worked and a genie appeared.
To the mans delight he immediately asks how many wishes he gets and to this the genie replied "you will receive 3 wishes, but just remember your ex-wife gets twice"
The man looked a little puzzled but he was so excited that all his wildest fantasies were about to come true that he made his first wish right away.
Man "well first thing I want is 50 million dollars!!!"
Genie "your wish is my command, and for your ex wife she will receive 100 million dollars"
The man was kind of bitter for a moment but was still elated for his new fortune.
Man "Genie I want to make my second wish, I would like my own island, complete with a resort, personal staff, yhat, and pet blue whale"
Genie "your wish is my command, and for your ex wife she will receive 2 islands, with 2 resorts, 2x as many personal staff, 2 yhats and 2 pet blue whales"
At this point the man really felt his blood boiling. He was red faced and furious.
Man " ok genie I got just the wish, I wish for your to beat me half to death"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35somq/a_genie_eh/
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I came into a lot of money today.

But now the bills are all stuck together :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35slax/i_came_into_a_lot_of_money_today/
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The girl at the bar.

When I first met my husband, he told me about a poor girl he met and accidentally embarrassed when he was out drinking one night.
I guess he thought she was cute and asked her to dance, but she refused while all of her friends went off dancing with other guys. He bought her a beer and after chatting a few minutes he took her hand and asked her to dance again. Again, she declined, but he wouldn't take "no" for an answer so he pulled her arm in an effort to get her up out of the booth she was sitting in. Well, she fell out of the booth onto her face, and that is when he realized that she had no legs.
Her friends came rushing over, calling him an asshole as he apologized profusely, and they grabbed her wheelchair which was resting by the front door. They helped her into it, and my husband asked if he could make it up to her, buy her a drink - anything! She expressed her embarrassment and desire to just go home. He told her that he was sober, and that his truck was down the street and offered her a ride home, as it was the least he could do.
She obliged and he took her ten minutes up the street to where she said she lived. He got out, grabbed the wheelchair from the cab and helped her into it. She thanked him and as he went to get back in his truck she invited him inside, saying that there was no sense in ruining the whole night, and that she knew that he was just trying to be cute back at the bar. He agreed to join her for a beer inside.
They went in, and I guess it was her parents' home. She said hello to her dad, introduced him, and took him downstairs to her basement apartment.
He was amazed to see that there were bars fitted all across the ceiling - and even more - the wheelchair was discarded and she moved her way around the basement with elegance and skill using the bars.
She grabbed them each a beer, turned on a movie, and lowered herself into the couch next to him. They got to know one another a bit, and she began to tell him about how she lost her legs, and how it had been so long since she'd been with a man.
All of the sudden, as he described it, she was kissing him and un-zipping his pants, giving him a blow job. He didn't want to be rude, (and it had been a while for him too) so he started in with her too. Very quickly, they were both naked, and she grabbed the bars on the ceiling and was about to lower herself onto him, when the door to the apartment swung open and her dad walked in with three more beers!
My husband quickly put his clothes on while the girl just hung naked from the bars, yelling at her dad for not knocking.
As he rushed past the father, still zipping his jeans, apologizing and excusing himself, the father told him that she almost never has company, and that he just wanted to have a beer with them. My husband tried to get past him, but the dad stood in his way, begging him not to leave. My husband apologized again and pushed past him, when he heard the father drop the beers behind him, and start sobbing. He turned to look at the father, confused and feeling guilty. The father looked at him, teary eyed, and said "Please! Don't leave my daughter hanging!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35sg5k/the_girl_at_the_bar/
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Lazy people fact #4564321564

You were too lazy to read that number.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35s5qf/lazy_people_fact_4564321564/
%
How many economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know. They just keep going on and on about how the last one broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35s4d5/how_many_economists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
I've always wanted to be a plumber...

but my friends all say it's just a pipe dream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35s3w9/ive_always_wanted_to_be_a_plumber/
%
what do you call a mexican who lost his car

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35s0ig/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
%
Did you here about the kidnapping at school?

He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35rwya/did_you_here_about_the_kidnapping_at_school/
%
Just watched the uncut version of Scarface.

Face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35rwy1/just_watched_the_uncut_version_of_scarface/
%
The police asked me some questions today

Police:  Where do you live?
Me:  With my parents.
Police:  Where do your parents live?
Me:  With me.
Police:  Where do you all live?
Me:  Together.
Police:  Where is your house?
Me:  Next to my neighbor's house.
Police:  Where is your neighbor's house?
Me:  If I tell you, you won't believe me.
Police:  Tell me.
Me:  Next to my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35rtou/the_police_asked_me_some_questions_today/
%
What do you call an Iguana that can't stand up straight?

Ereptile Dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35rsxz/what_do_you_call_an_iguana_that_cant_stand_up/
%
This girl was banging on my door all night

Eventually i had to let her out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35rjza/this_girl_was_banging_on_my_door_all_night/
%
A priest and a politician are on a plane

A priest and politician are on a plane when the plane suddenly begins to nose dive.  The priest reaches for the parachutes and says "Quick, Get The Kids", the politician replies "FUCK the kids", the priest looks at the politician with a look of bewilderment "Do you think there's time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35rhk1/a_priest_and_a_politician_are_on_a_plane/
%
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35rfbv/what_happens_to_a_frogs_car_when_it_breaks_down/
%
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?

Mechanic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35rejt/what_do_you_call_an_amish_guy_with_his_hand_up_a/
%
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?

They've really been making headlines.
-courtesy of my 8 year old niece.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35r7dm/have_you_heard_about_these_new_corduroy_pillows/
%
The only B word you should call a girl is Beautiful

Bitches love to be called Beautiful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35r4n8/the_only_b_word_you_should_call_a_girl_is/
%
What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa?

Outtagascar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35r278/what_do_you_call_a_vehicle_with_no_fuel_in_africa/
%
Hot Neighbor

She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35qsa9/hot_neighbor/
%
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

one's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35qjcf/whats_the_difference_between_a_dirty_bus_stop_and/
%
What's the difference between Males and Females?

An iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35qhi0/whats_the_difference_between_males_and_females/
%
HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.
Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.
Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.
The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds.
Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.
Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35qewn/how_to_get_rid_of_ants/
%
If Sam McCringle can mingle with a single bag of Pringles in the time it takes to sing a single jingle, with how many Pringles did Sam McCringle mingle?

none... Pringles come in cans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35qdc9/if_sam_mccringle_can_mingle_with_a_single_bag_of/
%
A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and then his wife didn’t speak to him for 6 months.

It was part of the deal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35q3p7/a_man_gifted_his_wife_a_diamond_necklace_for/
%
A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar.

The New England Patriots must be in town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35q3m5/a_liar_a_murderer_and_a_cheater_walk_into_a_bar/
%
I just saw 2 blondes walk into a bar.

You'd think after the first one did, the second one would have stopped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35pzt6/i_just_saw_2_blondes_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Tragic sewing accident kills woman and three children...

Whoops, wrong thread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35pznp/tragic_sewing_accident_kills_woman_and_three/
%
What's a necrophiliac's favorite band?

Coldplay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35pync/whats_a_necrophiliacs_favorite_band/
%
What's better than Roses on your Piano?

Tulips on your Organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35px8b/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
%
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35pti1/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_when_they_die/
%
Wanna hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I'm still working on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35pta7/wanna_hear_a_construction_joke/
%
Did you know that if you stab a salad 23 times,

It becomes a Caesar Salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35prm1/did_you_know_that_if_you_stab_a_salad_23_times/
%
My coffee reminded me of Ferguson today

Dark and full of shots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35prjc/my_coffee_reminded_me_of_ferguson_today/
%
I got a sweater for Christmas...

...but what I really wanted was a moaner or a screamer.
From: Jerry "The King" Lawler"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35pn6p/i_got_a_sweater_for_christmas/
%
A group of eels are chilling in the river...

When a full tuxedo comes drifting downstream.
Danny, the leader of the bunch, turns to his three pals.
"Holy shit guys, now's our chance!"
"Yeah!" says Tommy, "Let's get drunk!"
So Tommy threads himself through the pants of the tux in a U shape, forming a nice looking pair of legs.
Ed and Heath twine together with their heads poking out of the sleeves, looking like a pretty convincing torso.
Danny wraps his head around all three of his buddies, and pokes his head out of the top.
After a little bit of practice on a muddy bank by the river, the boys have it down pat.  The creature walks with a bit of a wobble, but after a few minutes they can manage a pretty convincing strut.
"Let's go!" they all cry.
The quartet flop their way up from the river, like some sort of slimy Frankenstein's monster, to the nearest liquor store.  Tommy, like a champ, never complains once about being at the bottom.
They peruse the aisles for a few minutes before Ed and Heath both grab a six-pack in their mouths and head for the counter.
They drop the six packs in front of the bored-looking clerk and Danny, as the head, says "How much do I owe you, boss?"
The clerk stares at the sodden character in front of him with a look of supreme disdain, then turns to his friend packing shelves and says...
"Is this motherfucker four eels?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35pgz1/a_group_of_eels_are_chilling_in_the_river/
%
Rye Bread

A 77-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
His friend which was 70 years old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 77-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.."
So, on the way home the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35peki/rye_bread/
%
"Did you hear? Grandpa got burnt the other day."

"How badly?"
"Well they don't fuck around at the crematorium."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35pa4d/did_you_hear_grandpa_got_burnt_the_other_day/
%
What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35p86k/what_kind_of_weed_do_reptiles_smoke/
%
NASA sends a redneck and a chimpanzee to the moon.

When the rocket lands on the moon's surface, the computer screen automatically switches itself on & the chimpanzee clicks on the desktop file that contains his instructions:-
1)....Ensure that rocket has landed at the correct co-ordinates and is anchored safely.
2)....Check ALL life support systems.
3)....Prepare laboratory for analysing samples.
4)....Put on space suit, step outside of rocket on to the surface, collect soil and rock samples, return to laboratory, conduct tests on samples and report back to Houston giving us your "best guess" as to whether or not the Moon is adequate for terraforming.
The chimp clicks out of his file & runs off to do his duties. The redneck then sits in front of the computer and clicks on *his* file:-
1)....Feed the chimpanzee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35p7mo/nasa_sends_a_redneck_and_a_chimpanzee_to_the_moon/
%
What do the films 'Titanic' and 'The Sixth Sense' have in common?

Icy dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35p72a/what_do_the_films_titanic_and_the_sixth_sense/
%
Pick-up Line Put-Downs

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest
dreams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35p5qc/pickup_line_putdowns/
%
A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear...

...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35p4kd/a_babys_laugh_is_one_of_the_most_beautiful_things/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common

It's a shame they'll never meet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35owv5/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
What did the physicist say to the man about to jump off a building?

"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35oqf7/what_did_the_physicist_say_to_the_man_about_to/
%
Psyciatrist vs Bartender

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed
I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
How much do you charge?'
$600 per visit,' replied the expert.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later, he met me on the street.
'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, $600 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A bartender cured me for $20. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!'
'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
FORGET THOSE LEARNED DOCTORS...
GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35opxu/psyciatrist_vs_bartender/
%
What happened when the bankrupt eastern european jumped off a building?

The Czech bounced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35oogk/what_happened_when_the_bankrupt_eastern_european/
%
How many literalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35om7l/how_many_literalists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
Kanye West is sitting at a bar having a drink.

He notices an old man sitting next to him tapping two coins in a rhythmic fashion.
"Excuse me," Kanye asks, "what are you doing with those coins?"
"Well," the old man answers, "these are two quarters. You can make a phone-call with them, or just tap them on the bar." And he continues to tap the coins in a rhythmic fashion, while Kanye stares at them in fascination.
After a few minutes, the old man steps down from his stool and walks to the bathroom, leaving the coins lying on the bar. As soon as the bathroom door closes, Kanye picks up the coins, putting one coin near his ear and the other near his mouth.
"Hello? Hello?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35om42/kanye_west_is_sitting_at_a_bar_having_a_drink/
%
It's pronounced like "jif."

Yeah, well I don't gif a fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ohvi/its_pronounced_like_jif/
%
What is 6.9?

A great thing ruined by a period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35oece/what_is_69/
%
The bar apple

Guy walls into a bar, says to the bartender, "I could really use a gin and tonic."
Bartender - " I got you, take a bite of this apple."
Guy takes a bite and goes, "Wow, this tastes like gin!"
Bartender says, "Turn it around."
Guy turns it around and takes a bite and says " It tastes like tonic, holy crap!"
Another guy walks into the bar and goes to the bartender and says, " Man, I really need a whiskey and coke."
Bartender - "I have something for you, take a bite of this apple"
Guy takes a bite and goes, " This apple tastes like whiskey! "
Bartender tells him to turn it around.
Guy takes a bite and says, "this side tastes like coke!"
Bartender says " No shit."
Third guy comes in and says, "Man I really need some pussy."
Bartender says ,"Take this apple. "
Guy takes a bite and says, "This tastes like shit!"
Bartender says, "Turn it around".......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35oak3/the_bar_apple/
%
Response to "LPT: If you ever get cold..." What if your corner isn't 90 degrees?

Well, it just wouldn't be right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35o8ai/response_to_lpt_if_you_ever_get_cold_what_if_your/
%
If Sean Connery starred in Interstellar...

He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35o7vk/if_sean_connery_starred_in_interstellar/
%
Whats the worst part of eating 11 raw oysters out of your grandmothers vagina?

Realizing you only put 10 in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35o5du/whats_the_worst_part_of_eating_11_raw_oysters_out/
%
What do you call the useless skin on the end of a penis?

A man.
Courtesy of my grandmother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35o01q/what_do_you_call_the_useless_skin_on_the_end_of_a/
%
I Got Worried After Reading the Statistic on Marriage

50% of them last forever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35nwv1/i_got_worried_after_reading_the_statistic_on/
%
The guy who wanted to have a threesome with a mother and daughter

There was this guy who had not got laid for sometime and so he went to a bar to get a girl to get laid with. His bad luck there werent many girls that night and the few who were there had a guy talking with them. Then he noticed a mature woman sitting all alone having a drink. Sure she was old but she hell was hot for her age. Then he got a filthy thought in his mind maybe she has a hot looking daughter and he could convince her and her daughter to have a threesome with him. So he approached her table and soon enough they both started chatting and after a few drinks the guy told her about his fantasy of having a threesome with a mom and daughter. The woman who was dead drunk by now gave a hard look at his face and then said," okay that seems interesting, so lets go over to my place". The guy couldn't believe his luck that he convinced her so easily and so both of them took a cab and went to her house. On entering the woman shouted out loudly,"mom are you awake?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35nwkl/the_guy_who_wanted_to_have_a_threesome_with_a/
%
Just a good joke I remember hearing

So a son walks up to his father and asks, whats the difference between theory and reality, to which the father responds, "well son, go ask your brother, sister and mother if they would sleep with brad pitt for one million dollars"
So the son goes to his mother and asks "mom, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars?"  To which the mother proclaimed " Yes! Do you know what i could do with one million dollars, I could set you children up with college funds and renovate the house and who knows what else".
The son then goes up to his sister and asks the same question, The sister then screams "OMG yes, have you like seen him, he is so hot, who wouldn't sleep with him?"
Finally the son goes up to his brother and for the last time he asks the question, The brother replied "well a million dollars is a lot of money and could give me a good leg up in life, I would sleep with anyone for a million dollars"
So then the Son goes back to his father and said "they all said yes dad, so will you now tell me the difference", "well son, theoretically we have three million dollars on our hands, but realistically we're living with two hookers and a future congressman or governor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35nvem/just_a_good_joke_i_remember_hearing/
%
My uncle died drinking a bottle of varnish...

...a terrible end, but a beautiful finish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ntbx/my_uncle_died_drinking_a_bottle_of_varnish/
%
People say I'm not good with Greek Mythology...

I guess that it's my Achilles wrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35nowu/people_say_im_not_good_with_greek_mythology/
%
A Woman Steps Out Of The Shower

She walks over to the towels, but realizes her 4 year old son is standing there in the bathroom!
She darts back to the shower curtain and covers herself, but she can tell it's already too late. The little boy is staring at her with his head tilted, looking puzzled.
"Mommy, what's that?" he says, pointing to where her crotch is. She has to think fast.
"Oh...uh...that's a...that's where daddy hit mommy with an axe."
The little boy exclaims "Ouch! Right in the cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35nmmu/a_woman_steps_out_of_the_shower/
%
A Liar, a Murderer, and a Cheater walk into a bar...

The Patriots must be in town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35nlpz/a_liar_a_murderer_and_a_cheater_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What's pink and has seven dents in it?

Snow white's hymen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35nkuc/whats_pink_and_has_seven_dents_in_it/
%
People say filling animals with helium is wrong

but i say, whatever floats your goat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35nitr/people_say_filling_animals_with_helium_is_wrong/
%
Did you hear about the woodworker who died when he fell into a vat of varnish?

It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ngpk/did_you_hear_about_the_woodworker_who_died_when/
%
Before his conviction, Aaron Hernandez was a tight end in the NFL.

But since going to prison he's become a wide receiver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ngh7/before_his_conviction_aaron_hernandez_was_a_tight/
%
The Hungover Chef

A Chef named Ted comes in early to work one Sunday morning, hungover from a crazy party the night before. In his tired state he begin to talk to all of the Breakfast food he's making for the brunch buffet about to start.
Ted looks over at the toast and asks "how are you feeling this morning toast?" The toasts doesn't answer because it's just toast.
Ted then turns to the sausage and says "Hey sausage, bet you're  night was crazy..." The sausage just sits there sizzling.
Finally, with a sense of desperation Ted yells over to the hollandaise sauce "up late last night?"
The hollandaise sauce responds "I'm Egg Sauce Ted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ne5e/the_hungover_chef/
%
Cork man on Mastermind

In a similar vein to the Irish millionaire joke posted earlier.
Mick from County Cork in Ireland is on Mastermind. His specialist subject: "the 1916 Easter rising". The questions begin.
John Humphreys: who was the leader of the military during the Rising?
Mick: Pass
John Humphrys: Where were the weapons for the Easter Rising hidden?
Mick: Pass
John Humphrys: The majority of the funding for the rising came from where?
Mick: Pass
Suddenly a voice pipes up from the audience, it's Mick's friend Paddy, "GOOD MAN MICK" he says "DON'T TELL THEM A FUCKIN THING"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ndb7/cork_man_on_mastermind/
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Old MacDonald had a very bad Scrabble hand...

E-I-E-I-O.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35nb31/old_macdonald_had_a_very_bad_scrabble_hand/
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What's the only thing worse than asbestos?

Asworstos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35n82f/whats_the_only_thing_worse_than_asbestos/
%
So a Russian man shows up for a job interview.

He sits in a chair across from the interviewer on the top floor of a large corporate building. The interviewer, plainly unimpressed by the man sitting before him, decides to ask some loaded interview questions in order to quickly dispose of the Russian.
"Welcome," says the interviewer. "For your first question, I'd like you to draw the number 9 without using numbers." He hands the Russian man a pad of paper and a pencil to complete the exercise.
The Russian stares into space for a brief minute and then proceeds to draw three trees on the first piece of paper. He shows his drawings to the interviewer and says, "Here. Tree, tree, and tree equals 9."
The interviewer is slightly taken aback by this show of ingenuity, but he pushes onward. "Very well," he says. "Now, do the same thing with the number 99."
The Russian's face goes blank as he stares into space for a time. Finally, he takes his pencil and draws a little smudge on the trunk of each tree. He gestures to the paper and says, "Here. Now each tree is dirty. Dirty-tree, dirty-tree, and dirty-tree equals 99."
The interviewer is begrudgingly impressed, but he really does not want to hire this man. He decides on one final, loaded question. "Fine. For your final question, perform the same exercise with the number 100."
The Russian man stares at the wall of the office for several minutes. Just as the interviewer is about to smugly ask him to leave, the Russian draws a little dot at the base of each tree on the paper. He points at the dots and says, "Here. Little doggy come by and poop by each tree. Now is dirty-tree and a turd, dirty-tree and a turd, and dirty-tree and a turd. This is 100. When do I start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35my65/so_a_russian_man_shows_up_for_a_job_interview/
%
Love knows no distance...

but restraining orders do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35moth/love_knows_no_distance/
%
Little boy on bus sitting next to an old man.

A little boy on bus was eating a chocolate. Then he took another one out from his bag and ate it, and then another one.
An old man sitting next to him said: "Do you know too much of it will damage your teeth."
The boy replied: "You know, my grandfather lived for 122 years."
Old Man said: "Was it because of eating chocolate?"
The boy replied:"No, He was always minding his own business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35mogo/little_boy_on_bus_sitting_next_to_an_old_man/
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The United Kingdom and their wide variety of fucks.

Two men are at the bar, making some idle conversation. One of the men is a linguist, and decides to tell his friend an interesting story.
"Hey, man! Did you know that, in the UK, each country has its own version of 'fuck?'"
His friend replies, "I haven't heard of that before, man. What's the English way?"
"Well, go figure, they say 'fuck'."
"Huh. What about the Scots? How do their 'fucks' go?"
"The scots tend to go "Feck!"
"What bout the Irish? What are their fucks?"
'The Irish fucks sound like "Fook"!
"And the Welsh? What does the Welsh fuck sound like?
"A Welsh fuck goes 'Baaaaaaahhh'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35mnzv/the_united_kingdom_and_their_wide_variety_of_fucks/
%
Prostate Exam

A man goes to his doctor for his prostate exam. The doctor gets his glove and starts doing his thing, when suddenly, he finds a £50 note! The doctor keeps searching and finds a large amount of notes and coins at different amounts. After he's sure he got everything out, he counts it all up.
Doctor : *I don't want to alarm you, but I just pulled £1999.99 out of your ass! Have you any idea why or how this happened?*
Patient : *I guess I'm just not feeling* ***too grand***.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35mgwi/prostate_exam/
%
What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

Grains...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35mfej/what_does_a_vegetarian_zombie_eat/
%
Favourite pickup line...

Did you know there will be 7 planets tomorrow?
Because I am going to destroy Uranus tonight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35mfb5/favourite_pickup_line/
%
Sandwich making

Two brothers shared a bedroom, bunk beds. The older brother had the top bunk. He wanted to bring his girlfriend over to spend the night. He tells his girlfriend if she wants it faster say lettuce, harder say tomato.
The younger brother wakes up hearing, "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, tomato." He yells up to his older brother and says, "I know you guys are making sandwiches up there but can you stop dropping the mayo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35mevi/sandwich_making/
%
I overheard a midget complaining to a police officer that his pocket had been picked.

The officer said 'I can't believe anyone would stoop that low.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35lz6q/i_overheard_a_midget_complaining_to_a_police/
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A man goes on vacation...

And has his brother watch his beloved cat while he's away.
He calls his brother when he lands and asks about the cat his brother says "oh the cat died."
Devastated the man says "well next time couldn't you lighten the blow a bit?"
His brother asks how
He says "well maybe the first day I call you could say the cat got on the roof. Then the second day you could say like the fire fighters couldn't get him down. And then on the third day you could tell me."
The brother says "okay I'll keep that in mind."
The man asks" so how's mom?"
"She's on the roof"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35lyoh/a_man_goes_on_vacation/
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The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35lxlk/the_irish_millionaire/
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How did the captain of the u-boat announce to his crew that there were no more passports to go around?

This sub has officially run out of IDs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ltlb/how_did_the_captain_of_the_uboat_announce_to_his/
%
Village Competition

Tomorrow our village is having it's annual Innuendo competition
I might enter my friend's sister.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35lqj2/village_competition/
%
You know what isn't a joke?

Hitlers gas bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35lpb4/you_know_what_isnt_a_joke/
%
Worst joke I've ever heard

What is the difference between Hitler and the Boston Bombers?
One of them actually ended a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35lofj/worst_joke_ive_ever_heard/
%
I sat back looking at the stars and began to think..

Where the HECK is my roof?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35lha9/i_sat_back_looking_at_the_stars_and_began_to_think/
%
Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ld59/chinese_sick_day/
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Honeymoon in Australia

My wife and I went on our honyemoon to Australia. Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know." The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!" I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35lbo4/honeymoon_in_australia/
%
How do you make cocoa powder?

Throw [Milka](https://www.google.ro/search?q=Milka&biw=1024&bih=635&site=webhp&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=kp1QVejVFuP9ygPnr4GQCw&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAQ#tbm=isch&q=milka+cow&revid=2033489046)  from the plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35l78l/how_do_you_make_cocoa_powder/
%
Why did the pig go into the kitchen?

He felt like bacon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35l60j/why_did_the_pig_go_into_the_kitchen/
%
A group of hunters gathered in the woods..

A group of hunters gathered around the campfire after a long, hard day in the woods. *"3"*, said one of the hunters, and the rest laughed.
*"8"*, another said, and they laughed even more.
Now, for one of the hunters, these numbers weren't very fun. He asks, *"Why is this fun?"*. The hunters look at each other, and the leader explained, *"Well, you see son, instead of having to say the jokes to each other we've assigned* numbers *to them."* He looks at the hunter and says, *"Why don't try one?"*
The young hunter thinks for a moment, and then he says; *"42"*.
And this time, the hunters burst out in an explosion of laughter, som even falling to the ground.
Puzzled, the young one asks, *"Tell me, tell me, why was this fun?"*
The leader dries his tears with his hand, and says;
*"We hadn't heard that one before."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35l5kj/a_group_of_hunters_gathered_in_the_woods/
%
I keep making awesome chemistry jokes to my class

but I get no reaction...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35kz9p/i_keep_making_awesome_chemistry_jokes_to_my_class/
%
My urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away

a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35kylj/my_urge_to_sing_the_lion_sleeps_tonight_is_just_a/
%
A chaste wife went to a pet store...

... to buy her husband a pet for their anniversary. All of the pedigree animals were too expensive and she began to pout, visibly. One of the store's tellers asked what was wrong and she explained her circumstances.
“Well... we have a specially trained frog for $24.99”, he said.
She examined the unimpressive creature and requested clarification, "$25 for a frog? How could it possibly be worth that?”
“The frog is quite unique." Said the teller. "It has been trained to give blowjobs!”
The woman was at first alarmed and then offended, but after some coaxing from the teller she began to see the merit in a pet with this talent.  Her hope was that the creature would relieve her of one of her more immoral and unpleasant chores, and she bought the frog.
On the couple's anniversary, the wife gave her husband the frog and explained its purpose and talent.  He was shocked and violently threw the frog into the trash.  The rest of the evening did not improve his mood and eventually they went to sleep in separate rooms.
Long after midnight the woman was called to an alert state by loud noises coming from the kitchen. She got up and went to check against intruders. As she entered the kitchen she saw her husband vigorously pantomiming flipping an omelet with a frying pan. Oddly, the frog was on the counter watching attentively.
Perplexed, the woman asked, “What on earth are you doing, husband?”
His response: “As soon as the frog learns to cook, you're gone!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35kow7/a_chaste_wife_went_to_a_pet_store/
%
How is a librarian like a sex addict?

Their favorite past time is between the covers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35koiw/how_is_a_librarian_like_a_sex_addict/
%
My vocabulary is so poor...

I can not express it in words.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ko5q/my_vocabulary_is_so_poor/
%
My dog kept digging holes in the back yard...

..so I hide all the shovels

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35knx4/my_dog_kept_digging_holes_in_the_back_yard/
%
Did you hear about the new eye-drops form of viagra?

They make you look hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35klhp/did_you_hear_about_the_new_eyedrops_form_of_viagra/
%
My girlfriend is so busted

she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!".  So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve.  Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all.  I don't know what you did Steve but you are a legend"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35klgl/my_girlfriend_is_so_busted/
%
Bob dies and his 3 close friends meet at a bar.

They meet to discuss what to do with Bob's ashes.
The first friend says "Bob and I used to hike a lot so I think we should scatter his ashes in the mountains."
The second friend says "Well Bob and I used to spend weekends fishing.  I think we should put the ashes in his favourite lake."
Finally his third friend says "What you guys didn't know is that Bob and I were gay lovers. I want to take Bob's ashes and put them into my homemade chilli so I can feel him tear through my ass one more time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35klds/bob_dies_and_his_3_close_friends_meet_at_a_bar/
%
smart husband

Wife: honey, can i hold henry? (their new baby)
Husband: wait until he cries.
Wife: why??
Husband: because i cant find him!!!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35kjzi/smart_husband/
%
What do you get for opening the BEST Vietnamese soup joint in London?

A great big pho queue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35kj0h/what_do_you_get_for_opening_the_best_vietnamese/
%
What did the neckbeard say when he looked in the mirror?

M'self

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35kiz1/what_did_the_neckbeard_say_when_he_looked_in_the/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but I have no clue how they got in there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35khy6/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
I saw a Prius crash into a Subaru Outback the other day...

There was granola everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35khfv/i_saw_a_prius_crash_into_a_subaru_outback_the/
%
Where do all the orphan chickens end up?

Foster Farms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35kgwe/where_do_all_the_orphan_chickens_end_up/
%
My wife has really dry skin

so I asked my doctor what I could do about it.
He said, "Give her a milk bath."
I said, "Pasteurized?"
The doctor replied, "No, just up to her knees will do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35kgsa/my_wife_has_really_dry_skin/
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Roommates

Roommate 1: "You think I'm nosy, don't you?!"
Roommate 2: "No, not at all!"
Roommate 1: "Then why'd you write that in your diary?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35kfh4/roommates/
%
A liar, a murderer, a cheater walk in to a bar...

The Patriots must be in town.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35kbod/a_liar_a_murderer_a_cheater_walk_in_to_a_bar/
%
Paying a clown to blow up balloons at a party is pretty expensive.

Must be inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35kat3/paying_a_clown_to_blow_up_balloons_at_a_party_is/
%
Saw a big truck with a trailer of donkeys flying down the highway at 90 mph today.

They were really hauling ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35k7ve/saw_a_big_truck_with_a_trailer_of_donkeys_flying/
%
I just saw my parents having sex

Damn you Pornhub

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35k5o4/i_just_saw_my_parents_having_sex/
%
I just sold some Viagra to a guy who thought it was Adderall.

He's going to have a very hard test tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35k4jy/i_just_sold_some_viagra_to_a_guy_who_thought_it/
%
A 5-year old boy approaches his father saying, "Dad, I know the woman I want to marry."

"Oh yeah, who is it?"
He replies, "Grandmaw."
"You can't marry my mother!"
"Why not? YOU MARRIED MINE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35k448/a_5year_old_boy_approaches_his_father_saying_dad/
%
I'm 40 and my girlfriend is 20. We were at a bar tonight and people kept giving us dirty looks.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35k37i/im_40_and_my_girlfriend_is_20_we_were_at_a_bar/
%
The thing about statistics

is, if you gather enough, you'll find a coincidence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35k08m/the_thing_about_statistics/
%
What i told my wife for mothers day...

I said baby you're so ABCDEFGHIJK. Then she said to me what does that mean. I told her it means
Amazing
Beautiful
Cunning
Dazzling
Elegant
Faithful
Gorgeous
Hot
She then said awe thanks so much but what does IJK mean.
I replied it means I'm Just Kidding.
I then was kicked out of the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35jy2z/what_i_told_my_wife_for_mothers_day/
%
I went to specsavers the other day..

...guess who I bumped into?
Everyone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35jsqm/i_went_to_specsavers_the_other_day/
%
Did you hear about the man with dandruff who got eaten by a shark?

They found his head and shoulders on the beach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35jrkp/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_dandruff_who_got/
%
I have a problem with people that are missing body parts.

I guess I might just be lack-toes-intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35jrhp/i_have_a_problem_with_people_that_are_missing/
%
I just found out my cousin and her husband are pregnant

Everyone keeps saying they don't know the sex but I am pretty sure it wasn't anal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35jpe4/i_just_found_out_my_cousin_and_her_husband_are/
%
A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic

on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.
The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before getting out. After climbing out of the river they had just started to make a run for it to get to their clothes, when many members of their congregation came into view.
The Priest covered his privates with his hands and put on a burst of speed, but the Rabbi covered his face instead. "What are you doing?" the Priest asked. "I don't know about you," the Rabbi answered, "but my congregants recognize me by my face."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35j7z4/a_rabbi_and_a_priest_were_having_a_picnic/
%
I remember the first time I used a Universal Remote Control

I thought to myself:
"Well, this changes everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35j7j3/i_remember_the_first_time_i_used_a_universal/
%
Do you know what "clitoris" is in French?

Me neither, but I had it on the tip of my tongue yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35j5st/do_you_know_what_clitoris_is_in_french/
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My 5-year-old niece's twist on an old pirate joke

**Question:** Why did the pirate have trouble with the alphabet?
**Answer:** Because his 'I' was all jacked up.
*...she cracks me up*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35j57l/my_5yearold_nieces_twist_on_an_old_pirate_joke/
%
Margaret Thatcher takes the cabinet out for dinner

. The waiter comes along and asks her what she will be eating tonight.
Margaret replies, 'I'll have the steak.'
The waiter then asks, 'What about the vegetables?'
To which Margaret says, 'They'll have the same as me.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35j3tv/margaret_thatcher_takes_the_cabinet_out_for_dinner/
%
Wish mom a happy Mother's Day, Reddit.

I'm sure she is right upstairs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35j1bt/wish_mom_a_happy_mothers_day_reddit/
%
[Marvel Avengers Age of Ultron Spoilers] If Captain Americas shield is made of Vibranium what is Hawkeye's shield made of?

Quicksilver

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35izjj/marvel_avengers_age_of_ultron_spoilers_if_captain/
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Dodged the bullet

A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35it9m/dodged_the_bullet/
%
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35irbe/a_texan_walks_into_a_pub_in_ireland/
%
What four man rock group doesn't sing?

Mount Rushmore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35iqkf/what_four_man_rock_group_doesnt_sing/
%
My ex had a really weird fetish...

She would dress as herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35iqa6/my_ex_had_a_really_weird_fetish/
%
Got pulled over by a cop, asking me if I knew how fast I was going

No, I said - the speedometer only goes up to 240 km/h

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ip8q/got_pulled_over_by_a_cop_asking_me_if_i_knew_how/
%
[In a seahorse home] Son: Dad?

Dad: Yes?
Son: Happy M-
Dad: DON'T
Son: Moth-
Dad: STOP
Son: HAPPY MOTHERS DAY
*Dad bangs head on desk*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ins1/in_a_seahorse_home_son_dad/
%
I really hate the word "subcutaneous."

Idk, for some reason it just gets under my skin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35inme/i_really_hate_the_word_subcutaneous/
%
what's the worst thing about a pi eating contest?

it never ends

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ikeq/whats_the_worst_thing_about_a_pi_eating_contest/
%
I found Korn in my poop.

I'm glad it was Falling Away from Me instead of Coming Undone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ijbl/i_found_korn_in_my_poop/
%
Two Amish boys are walking one day

They got a goat in a wagon and are pulling it along. They go down a hill and the boy with the wagon loses his grip. The wagon is speeding down the hill with the goat in it while the boys chase after it. The wagon reaches the bottom and one of the front wheels hits a rock sticking out of the ground sending the goat flying into a fence near the hill. The boys catch up with their goat and sees that its head is stuck in the fence. The first boy says to the second: "What do we do?" the second boy looks around to see if anyone is close by then goes over to the goat, drops his pants, and starts fucking it. He finishes and turns to the other boy and asks: "You want a turn?" the other boy replies: "Do I have to stick my head in the fence?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35iikq/two_amish_boys_are_walking_one_day/
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What's brown and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven's last movement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ih69/whats_brown_and_sits_on_a_piano_bench/
%
An old Navajo is being chased by settlers...

He runs into the nearest structure he can find, which happens to be an outhouse.  Unshaken, he jumps in and hides.  The settlers give up on their chase and the old Navajo is seemingly stuck.
A few days later, a young Navajo walking into the outhouse and sees the old Navajo still hiding.
"Good heavens!" the young Navajo says, "How long have you been down there?"
"Many moons," the old Navajo says, "Many moons"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35i9f6/an_old_navajo_is_being_chased_by_settlers/
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My brother recently got married

To celebrate, my mother decided to pull out a couple bottles from my late father's homemade alcohol collection.
That way he could be there in spirits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35i6f9/my_brother_recently_got_married/
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and the kid got kicked out of class...

Student: Teacher, can I get in trouble for something I didnt do?
Teacher: of course not, John. That would be silly.
Student: Okay good, because I didn't do my homework!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35i4nb/and_the_kid_got_kicked_out_of_class/
%
I went to an illiterate psychic

I couldn't get a reading

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35i16a/i_went_to_an_illiterate_psychic/
%
Parking Ticket

Words from a Retiree:
Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35i02w/parking_ticket/
%
My Dad got a new Lexus for my Mom this Mother's Day.

He says it's the best trade he's ever made.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35hzhl/my_dad_got_a_new_lexus_for_my_mom_this_mothers_day/
%
Did you hear some people are saying listening to Queen causes autism?

Apparently it's because of the unusually high Mercury content.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35hyze/did_you_hear_some_people_are_saying_listening_to/
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What do you call 5 cats sitting on top of each other?

A caterpillar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35htql/what_do_you_call_5_cats_sitting_on_top_of_each/
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So there's apparently been over 200, well preserved tibia excavated in the area surrounding the great pyramid in Egypt...

sources say it was a real shin dig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35htnm/so_theres_apparently_been_over_200_well_preserved/
%
Unfair Christmas

Two brothers open up their Christmas gifts. One got many gifts. Xbox One, PS4, tons of games, Legos, remote control vehicles, and much more. The other one got a used tennis ball. One brother says to the other "Look at all the gifts I got, and you got a shitty tennis ball. HAHA" the other replies "At least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ht6h/unfair_christmas/
%
Putting Your exam results on the window of your car

So you can park in disabled spots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35hsmx/putting_your_exam_results_on_the_window_of_your/
%
caught 'red handed'

A kid asks his father "why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when they aren't green?" his father replies "it's kind of how people who are caught steeling they are 'caught red handed' even though they are black"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35hsc8/caught_red_handed/
%
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35hpn9/a_man_escapes_from_a_prison_where_hes_been_locked/
%
How do you cure a basic bitch?

Give her some acid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35hmeg/how_do_you_cure_a_basic_bitch/
%
Iron Man is a super hero...

Iron woman is a command.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35hlmc/iron_man_is_a_super_hero/
%
Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln?

Because he was always in a cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35hj9d/why_didnt_the_cops_ever_charge_abraham_lincoln/
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You gotta keep the car and engine running

80 year old Jim marrined 18 year old Linda and he was the towns envy. Soon Linda got pregnant and was at the hospital giving birth. The nurse told Jim,"Its amazing you managed to do this at your age". Jim replied,"well one has gotta keep the car and engine running"
Soon a year later they were at the hospital again with Linda giving birth to another one and nurse remarked,"wow its amazing yiu did it again" Jim replied,"as i said you gotta keep the car and egine running"
and again a year later Linda gave birth again and Jim told the nurse,"as i said you gotta keep the car and engine running" The nurse replied,"thats true but you might wanna change the engine oil as this one's black"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35hfqe/you_gotta_keep_the_car_and_engine_running/
%
A Man is in a Bar

And he walks into a bathroom to take a piss. While he's peeing, a black man walks in and takes the urinal next him. The first man, being naturally curious, looks around the divider for a comparison, and sees that the man has a monstrous penis. Shocked, the first man strikes up a conversation and says, "Hey man, I couldn't help but notice that you have a huge dick." The black man replies with a very thick Irish accent, "well yes, I'm a leprechaun, ya know." The first man says, "well, if your a leprechaun, that means you grant wishes, right?" The leprechaun says, "well sure I grant wishes. Whatcha want, son?" he replies, "well I would like to have a large dick like yours." The leprechaun nods and says, "big dick? No problem. But, as payment, I have to do ya." The first man looks confused for a second and says, "do me? What do you mean by that?" The leprechaun chuckles and says, "well imma take you in the stall, bend you over and do ya." The man considers it and accepts the offer. They go into the stall, and the leprechaun starts doing him. He then starts to strike up a conversation. "so, son, what's your name?" the man grunts and says, "Tommy." "How old are you, Tommy?" "Twenty six" The leprechaun chuckles for a second and says, "Tommy, don't you think 26 is a little old to be believing a black man?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35hfd4/a_man_is_in_a_bar/
%
5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35hdfe/5_advices_to_men_for_a_happy_life/
%
Darth Vader once baked some cookies...

But it was a little on the dark side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35hbdr/darth_vader_once_baked_some_cookies/
%
A girl went to a doctor for a checkup....

During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. “Doctor…” she replied shyly, “I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you.” “All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re done.” A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, “Doctor, I’ve undressed. What should I do with all my clothes?” “Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35hans/a_girl_went_to_a_doctor_for_a_checkup/
%
My brother got sent to prison for something he didn't do.

He didn't wear gloves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ha97/my_brother_got_sent_to_prison_for_something_he/
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hillbilly guy is eating at a buffet...

a large lady at the next table is wolfing down chicken wings, dipping them into a soup bowl of ranch dressing and shoving them in, right hand, left hand...
suddenly she grabs her throat and starts eeking out a panicked sound and starts turning purple...
the hillbilly jumps up, shoves her to the floor on her stomach,
yanks down her sweat pants and runs his tongue right down the middle of her butt crack.
the woman, shocked, hacks and a chicken bone shoots, like a bullet, out of her mouth, flying across the floor and smacking the wall at the other side of the room.
she takes a huge gasp and her color returns to normal.
the guy stands up triumphantly and says,
"ahhh, the ol' hind lick maneuver! works e'ry time"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35h9od/hillbilly_guy_is_eating_at_a_buffet/
%
What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they were both stuck-up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35h87f/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other/
%
Why cant you trust stairs?

they are always up to something...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35h7ph/why_cant_you_trust_stairs/
%
Why was the condom angry?

It was pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35h4rg/why_was_the_condom_angry/
%
Overheard at a gay bar

"Let me push that stool in for you"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35gxzb/overheard_at_a_gay_bar/
%
What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A PIIIG!
(was told to me by a 11 yr old in my class =])

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35gvvg/what_do_you_call_a_pig_with_three_eyes/
%
Grammar Nazis are self-contradictory

Because they are anti-semantic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35gvaw/grammar_nazis_are_selfcontradictory/
%
Overheard my boss say this to our secretary..

What's the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian?
One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35gtyl/overheard_my_boss_say_this_to_our_secretary/
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My dads joke from maaany years ago =) I still love it!

A family of tomatoes are walking down the street.
There's a papa tomato, mama tomato and baby tomato.
Baby tomato ends up falling behind so much that papa tomato gets pissed.
He rushes back stomps on him and says...KETCHUP!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35gtjr/my_dads_joke_from_maaany_years_ago_i_still_love_it/
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Now that I'm old, I have poor circulation and can only go to the shops every once in a while.

I hate being a newspaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35gt5z/now_that_im_old_i_have_poor_circulation_and_can/
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Dump in the woods

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump side by side in the woods.
The bear leans over and says to the rabbit, "Hey rabbit, do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No."
The bears picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35gsqk/dump_in_the_woods/
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A Mothers Secret

A mom was teaching her 4 year old son to zip up his jacket.
“The secret,” she explained, “is getting the little straight piece all the way into the little slot before you pull up the zipper.”
Her son looked up at her and said, “Mom, why does that have to be a secret?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35gqp5/a_mothers_secret/
%
Me...Lazy?

Don't get me started!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35geqf/melazy/
%
Two crows are loitering in the park; why did they get arrested?

Attempted murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35gcmn/two_crows_are_loitering_in_the_park_why_did_they/
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Poker face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35g90c/how_do_you_wake_up_lady_gaga/
%
How do you win a Scandinavian race?

By crossing the Finnish line!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35g8fm/how_do_you_win_a_scandinavian_race/
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The Prime Minister visits a school

The Prime Minister was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asked The Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.
A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said The Prime Minister, 'That would merely be an accident.'
A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', said The Prime Minister, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. The Prime Minister searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed The Prime Minister, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35g6kn/the_prime_minister_visits_a_school/
%
Why don't seagulls fly over bays?

because then they'd be called bagels!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35g246/why_dont_seagulls_fly_over_bays/
%
A Conference of Blondes

One day, all the blondes in America got fed up about being mocked for their lack of intelligence. Therefore, they decided to hold the first annual "Blondes Are Not Dumb" conference to show the world that they were not actually dumb. To that end, they invited the local professor on stage and selected a random blonde to answer whatever questions the professor may ask her.
"I'm going to start off with some maths. What is 300 divided by 6?" asked the professor.
The blonde thought for a long time, before answering "700."
The crowd groaned, and started chanting "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
"Okay," said the professor. "Here's an easier one. What is 5 times 5?"
"Seventy-Four," came the reply.
Again the crowd groaned, and started chanting "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The professor sighed, and said "Fine. What is one plus one?"
The blonde thought for a long time before replying, "Two!"
And the crowd started chanting "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35g1s9/a_conference_of_blondes/
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What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?

An extra electron

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35fuw7/whats_the_difference_between_a_seal_and_a_sealion/
%
What did the grape say when it got trodden on?

Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35fsmw/what_did_the_grape_say_when_it_got_trodden_on/
%
I'm going to use a bomb to break into Fort Knox.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35fs7a/im_going_to_use_a_bomb_to_break_into_fort_knox/
%
I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my granddad in that concentration camp during the war.

Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35frte/ill_never_forgive_the_nazis_for_how_they_treated/
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Police are on the lookout for a magician dwarf who escaped prison.

They're looking for a small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35fq1j/police_are_on_the_lookout_for_a_magician_dwarf/
%
Farted in front of my Jewish boss today.

He wasn't impressed.
It's not like a little gas ever killed anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35fooh/farted_in_front_of_my_jewish_boss_today/
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An orchestra sits down to perform Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

...Now, I don't know if you're familiar with the piece, but the string bass players don't come in until the very end, so until then they have nothing to do.
Rather than sit on stage awkwardly twiddling their thumbs, the three bass players conspire to temporarily ditch the concert to go out for beers at the bar across the street.
While at the bar, one of the musicians realizes they might be letting themselves get a little too wasted. He speaks up, "hey guys, it's almost our time to shine. Are we going to make it back on time?"
"Don't worry," says another. "In order to buy us some more time, I used string to bind together some of the pages of sheet music on the conductor's stand."
Back at the concert hall, one of the audience members notices the conductor fumbling with his sheet music. The bass players are no where to be found, and the symphony is almost over. She turns to her friend to ask what's going on.
"Well, it looks like it's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35fmjq/an_orchestra_sits_down_to_perform_beethovens/
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No name TP

An Indian goes to the trading post in search of toilette paper.  He notices that there are 3 kinds.  ‘Deluxe’ brand @ $1, ‘Economy’ brand @ 50 cents and a no name brand for only 15 cents.  He buys the no name brand.  The next day he comes back to the trading post and declares the he has a name for the no name brand toilette paper.  “John Wayne”
“Why would we name it ‘John Wayne’?” asks the clerk?
“Because it’s rough!, It’s tough!, and it don’t take NO SHIT off no Indian”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35fme3/no_name_tp/
%
LITTLE JOHNNY... STAND UP

A new teacher
tries to make
use of her
psychology
courses. The
first day of class,
she starts by
saying,
"Everyone who
thinks they're
stupid, stand
up!"
After a few
seconds, Little
Johnny stands
up. The teacher
asks, "Do you
think you're
stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I
hate to see you
standing there
all by yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35fm52/little_johnny_stand_up/
%
Jesus and Satan's tech battle

One day, both Jesus and Satan got into an argument over who was better at computers. This debate lasted for so long that God decided to step in and declare a contest - each would compete against the other in a series of computer-related tasks to determine computer superiority once and for all. God would be the judge, and to be fair the contest would be held in Hell.
So, the contest began. Both Jesus and Satan did Paint, PowerPoints and spreadsheets. They did programming, hacking, stuff with databases, and many, many more computer-related tasks. It was an epic battle that lasted for hours.
But at the end, just when each was putting the finishing touches on their final tasks, lightning flashed overhead and the power went out. The computers finally, and slowly, booted back up, but the Devil screamed "It's gone! It's all gone!" as he clicked frantically through his documents. He turned to scream some more, only to see Jesus quietly printing off all his work.
"Wait, wait! He cheated!" yelled Satan at God. "How did he do that?!?"
And God shrugged and replied, "Jesus saves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35fkla/jesus_and_satans_tech_battle/
%
My friend woke up this morning in fits of laughter.

I think he must have slept funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35fgs4/my_friend_woke_up_this_morning_in_fits_of_laughter/
%
Woah, hey Reddit!

So glad to be apart of this new website, 2005 is going to be an amazing year. I really hope this site takes off. Does anybody know if Firefox posts more quickly than Internet Explorer?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35fez1/woah_hey_reddit/
%
What do you call a frozen swine lavatory?

A pigloo
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35fe5l/what_do_you_call_a_frozen_swine_lavatory/
%
Overweight guy

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35fd8f/overweight_guy/
%
I had to pick a password that was 8 characters long.

I went with 'snowwhiteandthesevendwarves'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35f6r3/i_had_to_pick_a_password_that_was_8_characters/
%
Three little ducks go into a bar

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35f6c2/three_little_ducks_go_into_a_bar/
%
I sat next to a guy from the military at the airport...

We were both looking at our phones, then suddenly the airport wifi went down. I frustratingly said, "my phone only works on wifi!" He said, "don't worry! My phone has tethering!" Relived, I thanked him for his service.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35f4ah/i_sat_next_to_a_guy_from_the_military_at_the/
%
What's the most sensitive part of the body when masturbating?

The ears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35f48w/whats_the_most_sensitive_part_of_the_body_when/
%
Made a graph of my past relationships

I have an ex-axis and a why-axis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35f3zx/made_a_graph_of_my_past_relationships/
%
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell cause she's got a nade in her mouth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35f0yi/what_do_you_do_when_a_blonde_throws_a_pin_at_you/
%
Why did the spy cross the border?

Because he never really was on your side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ez5t/why_did_the_spy_cross_the_border/
%
Did you hear about the band called 999mb?

I heard they haven't got a gig yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35eyld/did_you_hear_about_the_band_called_999mb/
%
NSFW My 4-year old was struggling to open his yoghurt today...

My 4-year old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he suddenly mumbled, "fucking shitty lid!"
My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?"
I said, "The fucking fridge,you piece of shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35eyfa/nsfw_my_4year_old_was_struggling_to_open_his/
%
What do you call people who hang out with musicians?

Drummers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35exrp/what_do_you_call_people_who_hang_out_with/
%
Two doctors walk into a bar...

but the bartender didn't know what to do with a paradox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ewyv/two_doctors_walk_into_a_bar/
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My friend has a job where he fixes lights

and the other week he was in an Indian restaraunt fixing some, and they were using these huge cauldrons to cook their food.
As he was attaching one of the lights he fell into one of thsee "cauldrons" and he was extremely injured, terribly unlucky.
Today I rang the hospital to see how he is doing and then said its not going good. He's in a corma.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ewso/my_friend_has_a_job_where_he_fixes_lights/
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"Daddy, why don't you kiss me the way you kiss mommy?"

"Because I love mommy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35eum0/daddy_why_dont_you_kiss_me_the_way_you_kiss_mommy/
%
Why was the black man selling drugs?

He was a pharmacist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35et39/why_was_the_black_man_selling_drugs/
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Trying to make a password

Me: beefstew
Computer: sorry, password not stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35esab/trying_to_make_a_password/
%
Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because he wasn't born yesterday!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ermq/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_baby/
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I need a new joke.

I need r/jokes help to fine a new joke.
For years, whenever my wife would say moron I would always say "well, you know what I always say. It's better to be a moron than a moroff. " sadly after many amazing years with this joke my wife no longer uses the word "moron". So r/jokes what trigger joke do know that I can start using on my wife?
Regards,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35eoiv/i_need_a_new_joke/
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How do you keep a blonde busy for years?

Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35eh52/how_do_you_keep_a_blonde_busy_for_years/
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How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed?

tape velcro to the ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35eea0/how_do_you_stop_a_black_kid_from_jumping_on_the/
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English is weird..

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35edaq/english_is_weird/
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

a brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ecev/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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What is the worst city to be a cop in?

Baltimore, I hear it's backbreaking work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35eafg/what_is_the_worst_city_to_be_a_cop_in/
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Poker never works well in Africa

Ethiopians always eat the chips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35e8mj/poker_never_works_well_in_africa/
%
TIFU by asking a chinese girl's number...

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35e72v/tifu_by_asking_a_chinese_girls_number/
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Man at a motel in the middle of nowhere

This joke is actually best heard in Hindi, let's see how well it does translated.
A man is staying in a room at a motel at night in the middle of nowhere, on his way to a different city. Being the only establishment as far as the eye can see, let's just say the management is lax about basic upkeep and maintenance.
As the man is lying in his moldy bed at night tossing and turning, he realizes the gas-station burrito he's had earlier is going to make a second entrance. He goes to the bathroom, as it were, sees that the "toilet" is a hole in the ground that's boarded shut, there is nothing in the way of water supply and toilet paper is a desperate dream.
The stress of the situation starts manifesting itself on his bowels and he feels that inevitable rumbling in his butt. Looking around frantically and finding nothing to help him, he unzips his carry bag, pulls out a single sock, positions it, and lets the demon turd out. Suddenly feeling better, he even has the time to marvel at the relief flooding through him like he is flooding his sock. Done, he stands up, looks at the sock not knowing what to do with it, and hangs it on one of the more crooked blades of the ceiling *fan* and goes back to bed.
In the middle of the night he wakes up covered in sweat, and jabs the conveniently placed bed-side fan button, and conks off the moment the first wisps of cool air hit his sweaty body.
The next morning he's greeted by the nastiest stench that wakes him up scowling, but the shit-mural on all four of his walls is what sobers him up in a hurry. He takes down the offending sock, cleans as much gunk off himself and his belongings and the bed as possible, then calls the up the cleaning lady, and tells her sheepishly, "I'll give you $200 to clean this up and keep it a secret." She turns to him and says, "I'll give you $500 if you tell me how you managed to shit on the wall sideways."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35e44e/man_at_a_motel_in_the_middle_of_nowhere/
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A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris

The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.
"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"
The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter escort the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank für die guten abend"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35dy1s/a_onearmed_eldery_man_and_his_wife_step_into_a/
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I just got condoms installed on my floor today

it protects the hardwood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35dxff/i_just_got_condoms_installed_on_my_floor_today/
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A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day.

She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.
She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut."
The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones."
"No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "
Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser.
So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!"
The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't looking, rips the headphones off her head. Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. The hairdresser leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and hears...
"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35dweu/a_blonde_is_rollerskating_down_the_boardwalk_one/
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What's the difference between scouts and jews?

The scouts return from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35dnn3/whats_the_difference_between_scouts_and_jews/
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If at first you don't succeed...

Skydiving is not for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35dmqi/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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Internet went down last night

My neighbour added a password

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35djst/internet_went_down_last_night/
%
Cracks chemistry joke

No reaction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35dh4n/cracks_chemistry_joke/
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A man and woman.

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35dg57/a_man_and_woman/
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A Mexican got caught crossing the border with his son

and he tried to explain to the border police "No man, is cool man, is only me and my son, is no problem man". The police didn't understand much, so they didn't pay attention either. But since the guy kept insisting with that, they asked "Why do you think it makes any difference if you cross with your son alone or with anyone else?" and he said "Because we are only dos, the signo says 'no trespassing'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35datr/a_mexican_got_caught_crossing_the_border_with_his/
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What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35dan1/what_has_two_legs_and_bleeds_profusely/
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So a termite walks into a bar and asks...

"Is the bartender here?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35d678/so_a_termite_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks/
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Oh. You lost your phone and it's on silent?

If you like it, you should've put a ring on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35d2o3/oh_you_lost_your_phone_and_its_on_silent/
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LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35d2bw/lpt_if_you_ever_get_cold_and_dont_have_a_sweater/
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Do you know what my least favorite thing about drinking goats milk is?

Getting the grass stains off my back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35cuu9/do_you_know_what_my_least_favorite_thing_about/
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A family at the dinner table.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ctmo/a_family_at_the_dinner_table/
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Rene Descartes walks into a bar

The bartender asks him if he'd like a drink. Descartes replies "I think not" and vanishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35cqbw/rene_descartes_walks_into_a_bar/
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I heard that Bruno Mars helped design the Apple Watch

Dont believe me? Just watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35cpnq/i_heard_that_bruno_mars_helped_design_the_apple/
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I love to purposefully mispronounce French words, but

you need to do it around the right people, otherwise they act like its a huge fox pass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35co8z/i_love_to_purposefully_mispronounce_french_words/
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What do you call a pro-gamer?

An ath1337

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35cmi4/what_do_you_call_a_progamer/
%
Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Christopher Reeves in a house fire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35cm86/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_the_stairs/
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How did the barber win the race?

He knew a short cut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35cm4q/how_did_the_barber_win_the_race/
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What has six balls and screws everybody?

The lottery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35clxn/what_has_six_balls_and_screws_everybody/
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How does Moses make coffee?

Hebrews it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35clet/how_does_moses_make_coffee/
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It's 3 AM, and a general urgently calls by phone to the sergeant...

A private awnsers the phone:
-"Hello?"
-"Quickly, hand me over to the sergeant" the general says
-"No, i'm sorry, the Sergeant is sleeping, and he doesn't want to be disturbed, call him again in the morning".
The general, angry, says:
-"Incompetent! pass me with the sergeant"
The private yells into the phone:
-"Are you a tough guy? CALL BACK TOMORROW IN THE MORNING"
-"Do you know who I am?"
-"No, and I don't care"
-"I'm your General"
-"Holy shit, and, do you know who I am?"
-"Of course not" the general said.
-"Oh, what a relief" and he hung up the phone.
&nbsp;
*I hope you guys liked it, if you find any grammar problems, let me know :P*
*EDIT: Grammar cuz reasons**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35cknd/its_3_am_and_a_general_urgently_calls_by_phone_to/
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The pope falls ill, so the cardinals call for a doctor...

After an elaborate check up, the doctor calls for the cardinals to gather in a big meeting room to share his diagnosis.
"The holy father has a terminal illness, and there's only one way around it, although I'm not sure you'd be happy with it"
"What is the cure, doctor?" the cardinals ask him.
"He must have sex" says the doctor.
After the doctor leaves, the cardinals decide to tell the pope that his only way to survive is to have sex. So the pope hears them out, and after considering it he agrees, but on four conditions.
"What are the conditions, father?" the cardinals ask him.
"Well", says the pope "the first condition is that the woman must be blind, so that she doesn't see who's having sex with her. The second condition is that she must be deaf, so that she doesn't accidentally hear who's having sex with her. The third condition is that she must be mute, so that even if she finds out who had sex with her, she can't tell a soul."
After this the pope goes silent and after a few seconds the cardinals impatiently implore:
"Father, what is the last condition?"
The pope replies:
"She must have big tits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35chua/the_pope_falls_ill_so_the_cardinals_call_for_a/
%
Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35chay/why_do_japanese_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/
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I went to the premature ejaculation clinic today.

They told me my appointment isn't until tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ch44/i_went_to_the_premature_ejaculation_clinic_today/
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Grampa and the worm

One day little Nicky is playing in the garden with some worms that he found in the soft dirt.
Grampa sees him and go over and tells him: "Nicky, I've got a game challenge for you...if you can put that little worm back in his little hole in the dirt without digging in a bigger hole I'll give you 20 dollars!!"
Nicky is obviously super excited and starts fidgeting with the worm to put it back in the whole, but the worm is squishy and wriggling his way off the hole all the time. After 15 minutes trying unsuccessfully to stick the worm in the hole little Nicky has a stroke of genius. He runs inside the house, get his mother hair spray, go back outside where grampa is looking at the whole scene, picks up the worm, hold it straight from the top, sprays it mercilessly with the hair spray and after a minute sticks it in the ground like a nail. Grampa is really proud of him and gives him 20 bucks as promised.
The day after little Nicky is playing outside again with his toy cars when grampa comes over and hands him 20 dollars saying "there you go sweetheart, because you were really smart solving my puzzle yesterday..." At which point Nicky objects: "but grampa, you already gave me 20 dollars for it yesterday....."
And grampa says: "I know, these are from granma......"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35cghh/grampa_and_the_worm/
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A Teacher is teaching class.

A teacher is teaching class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35cf39/a_teacher_is_teaching_class/
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A dyslexic arab walks into a bar

ouch, says the other arab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35cdyw/a_dyslexic_arab_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Pirate walks in a bar with his ship's steering wheel stuffed in his pants. The bartender asks do you know that's in your pants?

Arrr yes.  It's drivin me nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35cdkf/pirate_walks_in_a_bar_with_his_ships_steering/
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A teacher finds his students have drawn penises on the whiteboard, so he rubs them all off.

He is now a registered sex offender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35cdcp/a_teacher_finds_his_students_have_drawn_penises/
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Why do indegionous people dislike snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35cb2j/why_do_indegionous_people_dislike_snow/
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A group of young men are having a quiet drink in the pub...

when an absolutely wasted older guy starts shouting towards the group.
"I fucked your mum!"
The group ignore him.
The guy continues, "Your mum takes it up the arse!"
The group can no longer ignore him, but try not to become agitated.
"Your mum loves my cock!"
Finally, one of the group snaps and leaps to his feet.
"For fuck's sake! Go home, dad, you're drunk!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35c5eo/a_group_of_young_men_are_having_a_quiet_drink_in/
%
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"
The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.
The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35c3ah/two_guys_are_walking_in_a_rough_neighborhood/
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You're riding a horse full speed, a man on a giraffe at your side, and a ferocious lion in hot pursuit. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35c31r/youre_riding_a_horse_full_speed_a_man_on_a/
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As told by the 80-something year-old man at golf league.

My wife and I were driving home from dinner one night when I hit a small animal. "Pull over and see if it's all right." my wife insisted. Turns out that I had hit a baby skunk. My wife, an animal lover, picked up the hurt baby skunk and told me to drive to the animal hospital. As we were driving, she noticed the baby skunk was cold and shaking.
"What should I do?" she asked.
"Put the baby skunk between your legs, it's warm there.", I told her.
"But what about the smell?" she asked.
"Oh don't worry, he'll get used to it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35bwd1/as_told_by_the_80something_yearold_man_at_golf/
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Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward?

A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35burl/q_why_do_jewish_men_like_to_watch_porno_movies/
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Where does poor spaghetti live?

The spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35bt41/where_does_poor_spaghetti_live/
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Jokes about nazi concentration camps really offend me

My great grandfather died in a holocaust camp. He got really drunk and fell out of a guard tower

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35brbc/jokes_about_nazi_concentration_camps_really/
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Two strangers; an old man and a teenager are sitting next to each other in a transatlantic flight...

The teenager closes his laptop, looks at the old man and says, "I bet that my generation is smarter than yours, so let's play a game. The rules are simple: If you can't answer a question that I ask, you pay me 5$ but if I can't answer a question you give me, I'll pay you $100."
The old man thinks about it for a moment and agrees.
So the teenager opens his laptop and after searching the internet for a difficult question, he asks the old man, "How far away is the moon from the Earth in inches?"
The old man silently reaches into his wallet and pulls out a $5 note and hands it to the teenager.
The teenagers laughs and says, "Easy money! O.K. it's your turn now. You should probably just give up though, there's nothing I can't answer with the internet on my side."
So the old man thinks about it for a bit and finally says, "What wakes up in the morning on four legs, runs 43 feet, climbs a wall, falls back down, spins exactly three times before it can eat before finally dying on 2 feet?"
The teenager thinks about it for a while but can't figure it out so he pulls out his laptop again and starts frantically searching for the answer. He posts it on all the forums and Facebook. He googles it, uses yahoo, Bing, MSN, and even inputs it into WolframAlpha, but he just can't find the answer.
He finally gives up after several hours and turns to the old man, who had long since fallen back to sleep, and says, "I  give up, old man.",  as he pulled out a crisp $100 note and hands it to the old man.
"Ok.", he says, "What's the answer?"
The old man looks at him and smiles as he silently pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the boy before going back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35bq0a/two_strangers_an_old_man_and_a_teenager_are/
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Not a joke, just a story with a reminder to be careful when telling jokes...

I heard a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
I decided to repeat the joke in work today to a few of my customers (I work in a pub) and when I finished, one guy got really mad at me. He screamed that I shouldn't tell jokes like that because his brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
I asked, "Did he drown?"
The guy was furious and said, "No, he choked on a sock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35bpac/not_a_joke_just_a_story_with_a_reminder_to_be/
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I'm not sure if Steve Jobs got into heaven...

God's a bit touchy about apples...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35bn7u/im_not_sure_if_steve_jobs_got_into_heaven/
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What do you call two Mexican guys playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35bm5n/what_do_you_call_two_mexican_guys_playing/
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I put as much effort into life...

As the guy who named the sleeping bag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35blzc/i_put_as_much_effort_into_life/
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A man takes his Great Dane to the vet

The vet picks the dog up and inspects him and says to the man.
“Sir, your dog has cataracts and I will have to put him down”
The man says “You have to put my dog down for cataracts!?!?”
The vet replies “ Oh no he`s just very heavy”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35bkoq/a_man_takes_his_great_dane_to_the_vet/
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My Sister recently started dating a depressed German airline pilot

She says his personality is really down to earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35beyy/my_sister_recently_started_dating_a_depressed/
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Walking the Dog... Who says dads can't think on their feet? And the innocence of little kids ...

A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies,
"No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little
gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35bewl/walking_the_dog_who_says_dads_cant_think_on_their/
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A well dressed gentlemen walks into a bar...

"I would like a 12 year old brandy, please"  The barkeep pours him a drink, he takes a sip, and immediately spits it out.  "This brandy is only 10 years old! How dare you insult a man of my stature with an inferior brandy!"
The barman apologizes and offers another drink, on the house of course.  "I'll have a 15 year old Scotch."  He takes a sip, spits out, and proclaims "This Scotch is only 12 years old!  How dare you insult a man of my stature with an inferior Scotch!  I'll give you one more chance: I would like a 30 year old port wine."
Before the barman can react, a man at the end of the bar asks him to give a drink he has to the well-dressed man.  The man takes a sip, spits it out, and proclaims "my lord, this tastes like urine!"  The man at the end says, "It is, now tell me how old I am."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35bdw8/a_well_dressed_gentlemen_walks_into_a_bar/
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Tonight I'm having a party for people who struggle to reach an orgasm

just lemme know if you can't come

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35bbro/tonight_im_having_a_party_for_people_who_struggle/
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The Avengers must love Daft Punk

They were up all night to get Loki

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35bafa/the_avengers_must_love_daft_punk/
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How do you tell male flies from female flies?

After dinner a wife comes into the kitchen and sees her husband sitting at the dinner table with a fly swatter and asks what he is doing.
Husband: I'm killing flies. I already got two male flies and three females.
Wife:  How do you know whether they are male or female.
Husband: Well, I got two on my beer and three on my wallet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35bac0/how_do_you_tell_male_flies_from_female_flies/
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So today's my wife's birthday...

I went out and bought her some flowers and a vibrator. That's so if she doesn't like the flowers she can go fuck herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35b9dn/so_todays_my_wifes_birthday/
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The Golden Tong

A young couple decided to try the new Chinese restaurant in town called "The Golden Tong". After being seated the waiter comes by with a tray of cups, he takes a pair of golden tongs and picks up each cup and places it front of them. Then he uses the tongs to pick up the tea pot and our them each a serving. The lady looks around and sees that all the waiters are using these golden tongs to serve everything from the egg rolls to the silverware. She asks why and the waiter tells her. "Simple, Here at The Golden Tong we take cleanliness very seriously. Nothing we serve is ever touched by our hands, the waiters, cooks, bartenders. We all use golden tongs." Then she notices that all the waiters have small strings hanging from their zippers and she asks why. "As I said miss. We are very concerned with cleanliness. The string is tied to my penis. If a waiter must use the bathroom he can simply pull on the string to remove himself from his pants and do his business. It's all very hygienic."
So the lady asks. "How do you go about putting your penis back in your trousers?"
The waiter looks around and answers quietly...
"I don't know about the other guys... But I use the tongs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35b8v4/the_golden_tong/
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How do you get a drummer off your porch?

Pay for the pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35b7xp/how_do_you_get_a_drummer_off_your_porch/
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EINSTEINIUM

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.
"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer
"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35b7ks/einsteinium/
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What did Helen Keller say when she fell off the cliff?

Nothing, she had her mittens on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35b7de/what_did_helen_keller_say_when_she_fell_off_the/
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What separates the men from the boys in the Catholic Church?

A condom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35b5u1/what_separates_the_men_from_the_boys_in_the/
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GOVERNMENT VS. MAFIA

Q: What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?
A: One of them is organized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35b5ts/government_vs_mafia/
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A blind man walks into a lesbian bar.

So a blind older gentleman stumbles into a all lesbian bar. They see he is older and blind so they let him stay and have a few drinks. The blind man ask's the bartender "You want to hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies " Well, I am a blonde, the woman on your right is a defence instructor and she is blonde, and the two woman behind you are marines and they are blonde. Do you still want to tell your joke?" The blind man responds "Well not if I have to explain it four times"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35b4w7/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_lesbian_bar/
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My last girlfriend was a promiscuous impressionist.

She did everybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35b1s4/my_last_girlfriend_was_a_promiscuous_impressionist/
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Beer has female hormones

Whenever I am drinking I talk too much and can't drive a car.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35b0q8/beer_has_female_hormones/
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I'm going to go against the Circlejerk here and say that I am really starting to like Mayweather

It's really starting to Warmup, without getting Overlyhot as it does during Midsummer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ayzb/im_going_to_go_against_the_circlejerk_here_and/
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What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US leader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ax4b/what_is_the_fluid_capacity_of_monica_lewinskys/
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My favorite exercise is a mix between a lunge and a crunch

It's called lunch

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35aw3x/my_favorite_exercise_is_a_mix_between_a_lunge_and/
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The biker and the beer

So there's this rather scrawny guy hanging out in one of the roughest pubs in town. He walks up to the biggest meanest looking biker in the place and sits down next to him.
"Hey buddy." he says to the biker. "I bet you fifty bucks that I can drink two pints in under ten seconds."
The big biker looks him up and down and agrees. The smaller man orders up the pints and takes way longer then ten seconds to drink them. He pays up and walks away. A few minutes later the same guy walks up to the bar and comes over to the biker again.
"Hey pal. Ok. I will bet you another hundred bucks that I can drink three pints in thirty seconds. I can do that for sure."
The biker agrees to the new bet and they order up another three pints. Once again the guy fails, pays up and walks away. This continues for a couple more bets. Now the dude is piss drunk, slurring his words. He comes up for one last attempt to win his money back. At this point the biker has won five hundred dollars.
"Ok. I will bet you five hundred bucks.. that I can drink three shots, two beers..... and then piss in your beer bottle without spilling a drop..."
The biker thinks this is hilarious and hands him his beer. He calls all his buddies over to watch.
The following scene is pretty horrible. The guy is spilling booze everywhere. He's pissing all over himself, and on the floor of the bar. Barely any of it lands in the beer bottle. The biker is laughing his ass off.
Down on the other end of the bar another guy yells out loud and slams his fist on the table.
"FUCK!"
The little dude turns to the biker.
"I bet...that guy.. *hic two grand. I bet him two grand I could piss in your beer and you would be LAUGHING ABOUT IT!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35auvp/the_biker_and_the_beer/
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*CLOP CLOP CLOP* **BANG BANG** *CLOP CLOP CLOP*. And a man died

Those damn Amish pulled a drive-by

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35asn4/clop_clop_clop_bang_bang_clop_clop_clop_and_a_man/
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The Italian Family Dinner

A joke from my rugby coach -- better told in person with the clapping, but try to imagine :)
Sitting at dinner, an Italian father looks at his three grown sons.
He asks the oldest, Mario, "Mario, why are you-a so fat?"
Mario responds, "Papa, Mama's spaghetti is just-a so good, I eat-a way too much!"
Papa spreads his hands vertically and claps them together, and says "Mario, you take-a too big-a bite!"
Papa turns to Antonio, and asks, "Antonio, why are you-a so fat?"
Antonio responds, "Papa, my wife's lasagna is just-a so good, I eat-a way too much!"
Papa claps again and says "Antonio, you take-a too big-a bite!"
Papa turns to Fernando and asks, "Fernando, why are you-a so skinny?"
Fernando says, "Papa, I ONLY eat the pussy!"
Papa responds, "Pussy? But son, pussy tastes-a like shit!"
Fernando claps his hands just like his dad and says, "Papa, you take-a too big-a bite!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35amb6/the_italian_family_dinner/
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Why do black people have nightmares?

Because the last guy who had a dream got shot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35am1b/why_do_black_people_have_nightmares/
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Police talking on the radio...

* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
* Did you manage to capture the woman?
* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35alw6/police_talking_on_the_radio/
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The EU has finally decided to adopt English as its primary language, over German.

The European Union has just announced an agreement whereby English will be its official language rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35ack6/the_eu_has_finally_decided_to_adopt_english_as/
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A man staggers into the police station piss drunk...

... at 3 in the morning and tells the officer on duty, "I'd like to have a word with that son of a bitch you'll arrested who broke into our house last week."
Sensing trouble, the officer informs him that this is against police policy and would not be possible.
"You don't understand," says the man. "I'd just like to find out how he managed to get into the house without waking up my wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35a7he/a_man_staggers_into_the_police_station_piss_drunk/
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Using a pencil to vote in the 2015 General Election...

As safe an option as letting Jimmy Saville volunteer in a Kids Hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35a6ri/using_a_pencil_to_vote_in_the_2015_general/
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What did Hitler eat for breakfast?

Luftwaffes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35a458/what_did_hitler_eat_for_breakfast/
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What came first the chicken or the egg?

The rooster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35a3j3/what_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown.

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"
Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."
Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?"
Susie replies "I'm burying my gold fish."
Mr Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?"
Susie replies "Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35a2mm/as_told_to_me_by_an_85_year_old_shriner_clown/
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Raisin' Bread

A young blonde woman working in a bakery wakes up late for work one day and throws on last nights clothes before rushing out to work.
On the way to work she really started to regret her outfit, her skirt was too short and her underwear really left nothing to the imagination.
Reaching work she found a queue at the till already and her manager asked her to immediately grab the ladder and grab some raisin bread off the top shelf. Reaching up to get it she immediately felt a draft on her thighs and cursed herself for not wearing a longer skirt.
Upon reaching the bottom of the ladder, another customer immediately asked for more raisin bread. And another. And another. Until there was a small crowd of men watching her climbing up and down the ladder with excitement. As she reached the top of the ladder for what must have been the twentieth time she heard the tinkle of the door opening and looked over to see an old man staring at her privates in shock.
"Is yours a Raisin too?" she demanded angrily...
"No" replied the old man, "But it's a quivering".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35a1k3/raisin_bread/
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A man walks into a bar and tells a joke that has been posted on reddit before.

I only know because no one would shut the fuck up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35a0q6/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_tells_a_joke_that_has/
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What is the difference between Scotland and a pregnant woman?

A pregnant woman is in Labour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/359xds/what_is_the_difference_between_scotland_and_a/
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A guy is at a restaurant...

And he walks into a bathroom to take a piss. While he's peeing, a very short man in a green suit with bright orange hair walks in and takes the urinal next him. The first man, being naturally curious, he looks around the divider for a comparison,and sees that the short, orange haired man has a monstrous penis. Shocked, the first man strikes up a conversation and says, "Hey man, I couldn't help but notice that you have a huge dick." the short man replies with a very thick Irish accent, "well yes, I'm a leprechaun, ya know." first man says, "well, if your a leprechaun, that means you grant wishes, right?" leprechaun says, "well sure I grant wishes. Whatcha want, son?" he replies, "well I would like to have a large dick like yours." the leprechaun nods and says, "big dick? No problem. But, as payment, I have to do ya." the first man looks confused for a second and says, "do me? What do you mean by that?" the leprechaun chuckles and says, "well imma take you in the stall, bend you over and do ya." the man considers it and accepts the offer. They gonna the stall, and the leprechaun starts doing him. He then starts to strike up a conversation. "so, son, what's your name?" the man grunts and says, "Tommy." "how old are you, Tommy?" "twenty six" the leprechaun chuckles for a second and says, "Tommy, don't you think 26 is a little old to be believing in leprechauns?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/359wuw/a_guy_is_at_a_restaurant/
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A man walks into a bar with a box...

... And sits down and calls the bartender over. He says "If I show you the neatest thing you've ever seen, will you give me a free beer?" The bartender, thinking, he's seen everything, takes the man up on the offer. The man pulls the lid off the box and inside is a little man, jamming away at a piano. "He plays Bach, Mozart, you name it" the man says, as the bartender looks on.
"So, how'd you get your hands on him?" The bartender asks.
"With this lamp. Rub it and you'll be granted one wish" The man pulls a lamp out of his pocket and passes it to the bartender. The bartender rubs it and says, "I'd like a million bucks". POOF, there are ducks everywhere, flying around and shitting on everything. "Why didn't you tell me your genie was defective?" he yells.
"Yeah, well, I didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/359tyr/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_box/
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I love dead baby jokes

..they never grow old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/359m43/i_love_dead_baby_jokes/
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An Irishman walks into a pub and orders three pints of Guinness

The barman is a bit confused and asks him why he orders three at once. The Irishman replies: 'You see, I just moved here, leaving me two brothers back home in Carbury. So in honour of them, I drink a pint for each one of us.'
From this point on, the man returns every evening to drink his three pints, until one day, he comes in and orders only two.
The barman is a bit baffled, then he understands and says 'Oh my, only two pints? Did anything happen to one of your brothers?'
'No, they're alright. It's because the doctor told me I need to stop drinking.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/359lqu/an_irishman_walks_into_a_pub_and_orders_three/
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A police officer sees a man walking down the street with two large bags

One of the large bags had a hole at the bottom and $20 bills were pouring out of it. This made the officer suspicious so he decided to investigate.
He stops the man and asks him "Where did you get that money?"
The man says, "I know it looks very strange, so let me explain. There's a spot near the stadium where people can get a good view inside without paying. So naturally they all go there whenever there's a football game. My house is right next to that spot, and a lot of them get drunk and they like to pee in my hedges. I got fed up with that, so whenever there's a game going on I hide in the hedges with a hedge clipper and wait for them to come up to take a piss. As soon as they stick it in the bushes to relieve themselves, I bring the clippers up to their wieners and say '$20 bucks or it's coming off!'"
The police officer laughs and says "That's pretty smart. But what's in the other bag then?"
The man says "Well, not all of them pay"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/359iev/a_police_officer_sees_a_man_walking_down_the/
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What do you call the state of having confidence?

I'm sorry, it's confidential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/359gsn/what_do_you_call_the_state_of_having_confidence/
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What type of pasta is most likely to cheat for a musical award?

Rigatoni

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/359dp6/what_type_of_pasta_is_most_likely_to_cheat_for_a/
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I only drink on special occasions...

Luckily for me, I just broke my record for consecutive days alive today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/359bdx/i_only_drink_on_special_occasions/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last as long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/359b6k/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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A Free Trip to Italy

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy .”
“I see,” the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” replied the captain.
“This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3595f4/a_free_trip_to_italy/
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I told my psychiatrist that I have been hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35952w/i_told_my_psychiatrist_that_i_have_been_hearing/
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Jokester City!

What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/358z27/jokester_city/
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A homeless lady agreed to let me take her home

I don't understand why she got pissed when I loaded the cardboard box in my pickup truck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/358yp4/a_homeless_lady_agreed_to_let_me_take_her_home/
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A man and his giraffe

walk into a bar. The giraffe has a bit too much to drink and passes out on the bar. The man gets up and begins to walk to the door when the bartender says "you can't leave that lying there!". The man replies, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/358xc9/a_man_and_his_giraffe/
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Bono and the Scotsman

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet …
“Well, stop fuckin doin it then, ya evil bastard!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/358wzl/bono_and_the_scotsman/
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Earl and Cletus are out hunting one day

As they are walking through the woods, Cletus accidentally steps on a rattlesnake. The agitated snake lunges up instinctually to attack the aggressor, and ends up biting Cletus right on his anus.
Cletus yells and falls to the ground in pain.
"Quick, Earl call 911!"
Earl pulls out his cell phone, calls 911, and explains the situation to the operator.
"Ok sir," she replies, "I need you to stay calm. Now listen carefully: you need to locate where exactly the snake bit and you need to suck the venom out. Create a seal over the bite mark and suck strongly. You need to do this right now or else he may not make it"
Cletus is squirming on the ground. "What's she saying, Earl?!"
Earl hung up the phone and shook his head.
"She say's you're gonna die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/358spn/earl_and_cletus_are_out_hunting_one_day/
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I went to the supermarket today...

I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... The more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care...
My car was parked around the corner.
-note i saw this somewhere else sorry if its a repost

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/358o5i/i_went_to_the_supermarket_today/
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Man goes to the hospital for a routine procedure, instead gets sex reassignment surgery

A man goes to the hospital for routine surgery. When he wakes up from the operation, he finds out there had been a colossal mistake and he actually had sex reassignment surgery. Understandably, the man is distraught. The doctor tries to cheer him up, but it is no use. The man says, "The worst part is I will never be able to experience another erection."
The doctor replies, "You still can,  it will just have to be someone else's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/358l3o/man_goes_to_the_hospital_for_a_routine_procedure/
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Read In Accents

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and a German are standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the 4 gentle men have a very poor view so he stands on a wooden stool and calls out "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes" "Oui" "Si" "Ja"
(Found on tumblr)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/358jvj/read_in_accents/
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True dedicating

A USAF Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the A1C who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young A1C responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/358fbf/true_dedicating/
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Pizza is like sex...

If three people are involved, someone's not gonna get as much as they want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/358del/pizza_is_like_sex/
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NEW YORK STATE OF MIND

Q: Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?
A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/358anw/new_york_state_of_mind/
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Contrary to popular belief, you actually CAN drink lava

But only once

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3589xg/contrary_to_popular_belief_you_actually_can_drink/
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So this blonde is at an airport...

So this blonde is at an airport and she needs a flight to New York from California. She goes up to the desk and asks if there are any tickets left. The flight attendant tells her that she is very sorry but they are all sold out. The blonde begs for any way of her to get there. The flight attendant says they have a helicopter and asks if the blonde can fly it. The blonde says yes and goes to the helicopter. She hops in and starts it up, and it goes higher and higher but all of a sudden stopped and crashed. The flight attendant runs up and goes, "what happened I thought you could fly it?!?" The blonde crawls out and says, " ya I can  but when I got up there I got cold so I turned off the ceiling fan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35883i/so_this_blonde_is_at_an_airport/
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Dad, about your will...

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night.  My daughter walked into the living room and said, Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop.  Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Goodwill.  Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.  Then, disown me and never talk to me again.  And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."  "Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"  "Well, she didn't put it quite like that.  She actually said Dad, meet my new boyfriend Mohammed.  We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3586c6/dad_about_your_will/
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A father and his son check into a hotel

. At the clerk's desk, the father looks at his son, and with a chuckle says, "Well, I hope the porn is disabled."
The clerk hears him and says, "No, the porn is regular, you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35848g/a_father_and_his_son_check_into_a_hotel/
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A piano player walks into a bar...

A piano player walks into a bar and says to the manager "I saw your sign 'Piano player needed' and I'm your man, I write all my own material." "Play me a tune." said the manager. The piano player's song was so catchy that it had the manager stomping his feet. "That was great!" the manager said, "What do you call that one?" "I call it 'Your Sister is a Dirty Fucking Whore!'" said the piano player. "Well" said the manager "that's an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another one." The piano player's song was so beautiful that it brought tears to the manager's eyes . "Now, what do you call this one?" said the manager. "I call it 'Let me Fuck you in the Ass Until your Hemorrhoids Bleed.'" said the piano player. The manager replied, "Your playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but don't mention the names of your songs to any of the patrons, okay?" The piano player agreed. That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his first set. When he could finally take a break, he rushed to the john for a long overdue piss. In his rush to get back, he forgot to zip his pants up. As he made his way back to the piano, one of the patrons stopped him and said, "Do you know your fucking dick is hanging out of your pants?" The piano player exclaimed "Know it?! I wrote it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3583rk/a_piano_player_walks_into_a_bar/
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In Iraq why don't they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day?

The camel gets too tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/357wpc/in_iraq_why_dont_they_teach_drivers_ed_and_sex_ed/
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Went out last night and got really wasted.

I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting,
so I knew I made it home OK!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/357w9z/went_out_last_night_and_got_really_wasted/
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Reporters interview people in the country side

Sorry for the half bad translation.
Some reporters went to a village to make a documentary about how John is spending the day.
They asked him to tell everything he does during the day.
- Well, i wake up in the morning and i drink a shot of whiskey.
- Wait, man. I don't think it's better to tell people you're drinking first thing in the morning. Tell them you read the newspaper.
- Well, then. I wake up in the morning and i read the newspaper. Then i'm going to feed the animals and after that i read another newspaper. I'm working in the shop till noon, during this time i read 2-3 books. Then at lunch time i read a few magazines, and in the afternoon, after i gather everything from the field i'm going for the evening press. After dinner, i'm going to the library with some friends to read a few books. At 10 pm they close it, and we all go to Andrew house because he has a printing house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/357w0l/reporters_interview_people_in_the_country_side/
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Women are like parking spaces...

Sometimes all the good ones are taken so you need to put it in a disabled one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/357rqs/women_are_like_parking_spaces/
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My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients

I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/357pbg/my_nutritionist_told_me_to_only_eat_foods_if_i/
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Yet another Irish drinking joke

An Irishman with a penchant for coming home drunk after work every night is admonished by his wife every night as he comes in the door. Every night he just waves his hand at her and goes upstairs to pass-out until dinner is ready.
One night the wife decided she's had enough and would teach him a lesson. As they're eating dinner she says to him that she'd heard that men who behaved like him have been known to shit their guts out. "You don't want to shit your guts out now do you?" Again, he waves his hand and says "I don't believe in those wives tales".
The next night he came stumbling home again as his wife was making a chicken in the kitchen. He stumbles up the stairs, disrobes and passes out in bed as usual. The wife then takes the chicken innards and scatters them on the bed between his legs.
A couple hours later the man comes downstairs for dinner and says "You know, those wives tales were right. I actually shit me guts out".
"So are ya gonna quit yer drinkin then" she says.
The man then says, "Nay, it was a tough go but I was able to get em back in just fine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/357lzx/yet_another_irish_drinking_joke/
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An armless man dreams of being a bell ringer

There was once a man with no arms, who dreamed of becoming the bell ringer at the local church.  One morning, he was feeling confident, and went to speak to the priest.  The priest was flabbergasted at the armless man's request.
"But, sir," the priest said, "I don't mean to be rude, but with no arms...how could you possibly be a bell ringer?"
The armless man beckoned the priest to follow him up to the bell tower.  He got into position, winked at the priest, reared his body back, and smacked his head into the bell, which let out a resounding "DOOOOONG." Amazed, the priest immediately gave the armless man the job.
The man with no arms was elated.  For weeks, he went to work, smacked his head into the bells when needed, and felt whole.  One day, a tad over-zealous with his bell-ringing, the armless man reared back too far and ended up falling out of the bell tower. He hit the ground hard, and died instantly.  A crowd formed around his body, and a woman got down on her knees to take the armless man's head into her arms.
"Who is he? Who is this man?" She cried.  A man stepped out from the crowd.
"I don't know," said the man, "but his face rings a bell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/357cxk/an_armless_man_dreams_of_being_a_bell_ringer/
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Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff?

They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/357cj4/did_you_know_paul_walker_had_dandruff/
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/357bs4/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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A man walked into a bar

and saw a 12-inch man playing the piano. He said to the pianist "how did you get that good?" The pianist said that there was a genie at the back of the room, so he went over to the genie and said "I wish for a million bucks" but instead of giving him a million bucks, he gave him a million ducks and the bar became flooded with ducks. The man went over to the bartender and said "I asked the genie for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks" and the bartender said "I know, his hearing is bad. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/357bih/a_man_walked_into_a_bar/
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The big game hunter

walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.  The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.  After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."  Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.  He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.  He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.  Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.  The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.  He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.  Where did I get this blackeye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties.  Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35780i/the_big_game_hunter/
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IRS Inquiry

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deck hand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS  AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat  Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.  Then there's the
mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen
Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to
sleep with my wife occasionally".
IRS  AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat  Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3576nn/irs_inquiry/
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A Mexican got caught crossing the border with his son

and he tried to explain to the border police "No man, is cool man, is only me and my son, is no problem man". The police didn't understand much, so they didn't pay attention either. But since the guy kept insisting with that, they asked "Why do you think it makes any difference if you cross with your son alone or with anyone else?" and he said "Because we are only dos, the signo says 'no trespassing'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3575ie/a_mexican_got_caught_crossing_the_border_with_his/
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What is Helen Keller's favorite color?

Corduroy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3573yn/what_is_helen_kellers_favorite_color/
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Scientists have proved that there are two things in the air that cause women to get pregnant.

Their legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356xen/scientists_have_proved_that_there_are_two_things/
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What animal has a dick on its back?

A police horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356x3f/what_animal_has_a_dick_on_its_back/
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Why did the remorseful child-molester paint his toe-nails?

He thought it would be a pedicure.
^^^sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356vne/why_did_the_remorseful_childmolester_paint_his/
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I bought some shoes from my drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356v5s/i_bought_some_shoes_from_my_drug_dealer/
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Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message

to let him know he is still alive:-
"370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA
can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:-
"Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356ox6/osama_bin_laden_sends_george_w_bush_a_coded/
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A Roman walks into a bar

He holds up two fingers and says "I'd like five beers, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356ngs/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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A talking horse enters a bar…

…and demands to the barman to serve him a cold beer. The barman, astonished at the sight of a talking horse tells him to wait for a minute while he checks with the bar’s owner:
–There’s a talking horse in the bar, and he’s asking for a cold beer! What should I do?!
–Well, serve him –answers the owner– just charge him double the usual fee, he won’t notice.
So back he goes, purs the cold beer and handles it to the horse. While the horse is still drinking it, the bartender tells him:
–Well… we’re not really used to see talking horses around here
To which the horse reply:
–With this prices, it doesn’t surprise me!
*Please note: not an English native speaker*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356nce/a_talking_horse_enters_a_bar/
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A farmer is walking to market

My grandpa told me this joke years ago, and it's always been one of my favorites.
A farmer is walking to the market, carrying some chickens in his bag. A man notices him, and asks him what he's selling. The farmer replies, "I was hoping to sell these chickens."
The man says, "That's great! I was hoping to buy some chicken today!"
The farmer hears this, and devises a way to make some easy money. He tells the man, "How about this: If you give me $5, I'll let you guess how many chickens are in my bag, and if you're right, I'll give you both of them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356lcs/a_farmer_is_walking_to_market/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Finely ground and sealed in an air-tight container

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356kxw/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A blind man got a cheese grater for his birthday

He said it was the most violent thing he's ever read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356ist/a_blind_man_got_a_cheese_grater_for_his_birthday/
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How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony?

It ain't hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356imo/how_do_you_spot_a_blind_man_at_a_nudist_colony/
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A young boy walks in on his parents arguing...

It's the evening of Thanksgiving and a young boy happens upon his parents who are arguing loudly in the kitchen. "You're a bitch!" Yells the father. "You're a bastard!" Yells the mother. "Well you've got floppy tits!" Says the father. "Yeah? Well you've got a crooked dick" Cries the mother. The father angrily storms out of the room and the boy, confused about all the terminology asks his mother the meaning of all of the profanities. Afraid of exposing him to profane things too early, she replies "Bitches and bastards are uncles and aunts, and crooked dicks and floppy tits are hats and coats." The boy nods and runs off and finds his dad in the bathroom, shaving his face before the family arrives. Startled by his sons sudden appearance he cuts his chin with the razor. "Shit!" yells the father. Confused again, the child asks what this means. "Shit is shaving cream" says the father. The child nods and runs back into the kitchen where his mom is stuffing the turkey. Right as the boy runs in he startles his mother and she yells "Oh fuck!" The boy asks yet again what the profanity means, and she says "fuck is turkey stuffing." Right as the boy nods, the doorbell rings, and he yells "I'll get it." He runs to the door, swings it wide open, and says "Hi Bitch, Hi Bastard. Can I take your crooked dicks and floppy tits? My dad's in the bathroom putting shit all over his face and my mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356ilw/a_young_boy_walks_in_on_his_parents_arguing/
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The worst part of taking calc class

Every day, I deal with my e^x

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356i6q/the_worst_part_of_taking_calc_class/
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An alcoholic wakes up in jail

He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
the officer replies "for drinking"
The man replies "great, when do we start?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356gix/an_alcoholic_wakes_up_in_jail/
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How was the red sea made?

Over a very long period

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/356cjo/how_was_the_red_sea_made/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair

Virgin mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3568ni/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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What do frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common?

An idiot who forgot to take it out earlier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35678q/what_do_frozen_beer_a_burnt_pizza_and_a_pregnant/
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Buddy saw me putting on women's lingerie after we played racquetball...

He asked, "Cool, since when do you wear sexy women's leggings?"
And I told him, "Ever since my wife found them in the glove box."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3562n1/buddy_saw_me_putting_on_womens_lingerie_after_we/
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How can you tell if someone voted Green Party?

Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355zka/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_voted_green_party/
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Voldemort: Knock Knock

Harry potter: Who's there?
Voldemort: You know.
Harry potter: You know who?
Voldemort: Exactly!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355wkf/voldemort_knock_knock/
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Fox news in four words:

"I'm not racist, but..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355vnt/fox_news_in_four_words/
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A teacher is teaching a class

and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355uni/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class/
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Why don't blind people like skydiving?

Scares their dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355tzr/why_dont_blind_people_like_skydiving/
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Generic genie/wish joke

A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
As if by magic, a genie appears and grants him one wish.
The man thinks for a moment then says " I want to live forever "
Sorry said the genie " I'm not allowed to grant eternal life." The man thinks for a moment then says " OK then, I want to die after a
Labour Government balances the budget and eliminates the debt."
The Genie shouted " You Crafty Little Bastard."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355tvk/generic_geniewish_joke/
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HELISOFT

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355t22/helisoft/
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Why did you have to die?

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355sw0/why_did_you_have_to_die/
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Homework

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355spr/homework/
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Paddy had been drinking

at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm tanked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!"
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "If i can just make it to me bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "to hell with it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was tanked' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called. You left y'wheelchair at the pub."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355sab/paddy_had_been_drinking/
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What lawyers say in court

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
a new attorney?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he *was* by the time I finished.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355nvz/what_lawyers_say_in_court/
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A guy driving with a blonde

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355ngy/a_guy_driving_with_a_blonde/
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Ghost Fight

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355mqg/ghost_fight/
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Dark Humour is like food.

Some people don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355mii/dark_humour_is_like_food/
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A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street

and gets hit by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.
A policeman is despatched to inform the unfortunate man's family:
"There's no easy way to say this..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355m2d/a_man_isnt_paying_attention_when_crossing_the/
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So the pope went to Africa to visit some city's to spread good word

We was being driven in a limo and was in the middle of nowhere, on the way, he asked the driver if he could try driving, the limo driver asked why and the pope said he had never driven in his life, so the limo driver thought why not since they're in the middle of nowhere, so the pope starts flying it going about 100 miles an hour, but all of a sudden a cop shows up out of nowhere, pulls him over and looks inside, amazed, he calls the chief of police. He says" boss, I pulled someone over but he is extremely important, do I still give him a ticket?" The chief asks " is it the us president, the queen of England? Who is it I need to know now!" The officer says" I have no idea who it is but he must be important because the pope is his limo driver." ( heard this from my dad)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355hp5/so_the_pope_went_to_africa_to_visit_some_citys_to/
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A young woman walks into a dry cleaner

She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"
She responds, "No, it's yogurt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355f07/a_young_woman_walks_into_a_dry_cleaner/
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Venus vs Mars

never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either..😂😂😄😃

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355cz2/venus_vs_mars/
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I've only had one car accident in the last month.

It was a hit and run, so technically it doesn't even count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355ax8/ive_only_had_one_car_accident_in_the_last_month/
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Saw A Cop Writing a Parking Ticket

I was at the Supermarket today for literally 5 minutes, when I came out I saw a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on man, can't you give a guy a break?"
He ignored me and kept writing the ticket, so I called him a pencil-neck dickhead. He glared at me, and started to write a second ticket for worn tires!
So I asked him if his Psychiatrist makes him lie face down because he's so ugly.  He finished with the second ticket, and started writing a third!
This went on until there were five tickets on the windshield, the more I insulted him, the more tickets.
I didn't care, my car was parked around the corner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3559qd/saw_a_cop_writing_a_parking_ticket/
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Why'd the blonde snort a line of Splenda?

She thought it was diet coke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3555b3/whyd_the_blonde_snort_a_line_of_splenda/
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Whats the difference between a dead baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton never lost a bag of coke out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35547k/whats_the_difference_between_a_dead_baby_and_a/
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I was feeling depressed. .

I was feeling depressed so I went to the doctor to get a blood test.
A week later he called me back with the results and said B positive, it's in your blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3551d8/i_was_feeling_depressed/
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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. I had to break up with her.

She was seeing somebody on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35511j/i_used_to_date_a_girl_with_a_lazy_eye_i_had_to/
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Why are some flowers gangsta ?

Cause they carry pistils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35505s/why_are_some_flowers_gangsta/
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Lucky I didn't get caught...

I was nailing this chick in the park the other weekend. And I was so lucky not to get caught.
Supposedly crucifixions are illegal these days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/354zem/lucky_i_didnt_get_caught/
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Don't you hate it when... [NSFW]

...you could have actually viewed that Reddit post at work?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/354vfc/dont_you_hate_it_when_nsfw/
%
Why do the Scottish Wear Kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/354rob/why_do_the_scottish_wear_kilts/
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Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?

Because she ran away from the ball!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/354mzd/why_did_cinderella_get_kicked_off_the_softball/
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My mother was over the age of fifty when she gave birth to me

You could say I was born with a silver poon in my mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/354j7g/my_mother_was_over_the_age_of_fifty_when_she_gave/
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What do you call a young gold digger?

A miner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/354i9b/what_do_you_call_a_young_gold_digger/
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What word starts with "n" and you never want to call a black person?

Neighbor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/354gh1/what_word_starts_with_n_and_you_never_want_to/
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List of the most offensive jokes I know.

What are some of the most offensive jokes you guys know?
* Whats better then winning silver at the special olympics?
Not being retarded
* Whats better then winning silver at the  paralympics?
Walking
* Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
Neither have they
* Why are black people so good at basketball?
They can run shoot and steal
* What do you call a group of black men running down a hill?
A prision break
* So Hellen Keller walks into a bar a table and a chair.
* Why was Hitler not invited to the barbecue?
He always burns the franks
* What do you call a black priest?
Holy shit
* Whats the last thing to go through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their feet
* Why is there no black guy in the game clue?
Because it would have to be renamed to solved
* What do Jewish people ahte most about the Holocaust?
The caust
* What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall
* Whats the worst part of running 100m in under 10 seconds?
Being black
* What do you call a flying Jew?
Smoke
EDIT
* What's the difference between Paul walker any my computer?
I give a shit when my computer crashes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/354flw/list_of_the_most_offensive_jokes_i_know/
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How do you tell the difference between a Computer Scientist, a Computer Engineer, and a Chemical Engineer?

Ask them what PCB means.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/354cnd/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_computer/
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I had a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle, and it steel wooden whistle.
But then I bought a tin whistle, and now I tin whistle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/354awx/i_had_a_wooden_whistle_but_it_wooden_whistle/
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I like my women like I like my wine...

Six years old and locked in a cellar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/354awu/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_wine/
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I climbed on a tree with a suitcase.

My aim is to become a branch manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35496u/i_climbed_on_a_tree_with_a_suitcase/
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I got fired from my bingo calling job today.

Apparently 'a meal for two with a terrible view' is not an appropriate way to call 69.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3545tj/i_got_fired_from_my_bingo_calling_job_today/
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The royal baby only farts neon;

It's a noble gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3545pr/the_royal_baby_only_farts_neon/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An Impasta

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3545kr/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
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What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3540wa/whats_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a/
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What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3540f9/whats_black_and_never_works/
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My wife is a magician

She turned our car into a tree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/354093/my_wife_is_a_magician/
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People call me lazy because I sleep 13 hours a day

But to be fair, Jesus slept for three days straight and that started a religion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35406b/people_call_me_lazy_because_i_sleep_13_hours_a_day/
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/353zdh/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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Where do poor meatballs live?

In the *spaghetto.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/353zcv/where_do_poor_meatballs_live/
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Little Jimmy was playing with a friend on the playground, when his friend asked him a question....

"Do you know what purple passion is? I heard about it on TV and my mom won't answer me."
"No." replied Jimmy "However, I can ask the teacher!" and with that jimmy was off to ask his teacher.
"Mrs. Teacher, my friend asked me a question and I don't know the answer, would you happen to know the answer?" Jimmy asked.
"I may, what is the question Jimmy?"
"What is purple passion?"
When Jimmy asked his question, the teacher's face turned red with outrage, and she ordered him to go to the principal's office.bWhen Jimmy arrived at his office, the principal asked why he had been sent to him.
"Sir, I was playing on the playground and my friend asked me a question, I didn't know the answer so I asked the teacher, and she sent me here."
"What was the question young man?" The principal asked Jimmy.
"Sir, do you know what purple passion is?"
The principle stared at Jimmy in stunned silence for a moment, then phoned Jimmy's father and told him Jimmy was to be suspended immediately and indefinitely, and that he would need to be picked up as soon as possible.
When his father picked him up, he was reasonably upset.
"Son, the principal would not tell me why you were suspended, other than that you used some very inappropriate language. What happened?"
"Well, I was playing on the playground with my friend, when he asked me a question, I didn't know the answer so I asked the teacher, who got mad at me and sent me to the principal, when I told him what I asked her, he called you and told me I was suspended."
"So what did you ask, son?"
"Dad, do you know what purple passion is?"
His dad, usually a quite serious man, burst out laughing, having to pull over to avoid an accident. When he finished, he said "Son, I think I have to divert your question to your mother, ask her when you get home."
At this point little Jimmy was getting pretty curious about this 'purple passion', but he was a good boy and listened to his parents, so when he got home he went straight to his mother.
"What are you doing home? Did school release early today?"
"No mother, I got suspended."
"WHAT? Why did you get suspended?"
"Well, I was playing on the playground with my friend, when he asked me a question, I didn't know the answer so I asked the teacher, who got mad at me and sent me to the principal, when I told him what I asked her, he called dad and told me I was suspended, and then dad picked me up and asked me why I was suspended, so I told him what I asked the teacher and he laughed and he told me to ask you. So mom, what is purple passion?"
His mother had never looked so furious in his life as she did when she ordered him to his room and told him not to come out until called for. He spent a few hours in there before his older brother snuck in the window.
"Whoa, little man, what are you doing here? You skippin too?"
"No brother, I was playing with my friend at school and he asked me a question, I didn't know the answer so I asked the teacher who got mad and sent me to the principals office, and when I asked him he called dad and suspended me, I asked dad on the ride home and he told me to ask mom, I asked mom and she grounded me. Maybe you will know big brother, what is purple passion?"
With this a mischievous grin crept onto his brother's face.
"Oh man little bro, you got yourself in deep. The only person that can answer your question is the Sheriff."
The family knew the local police well, living only a block away from their combination firehouse/precinct building. So little Jimmy climbed out of the window with his brothers help and went on his own to ask the sheriff. When he arrived the sheriff was sitting at his desk, and was duly surprised at seeing the boy.
"Little Jimmy, what brings you here, on a school day no less? Are you turning yourself for truancy?" With that the Sheriff chuckled.
"No sir, I was playing with a friend at school when he asked me a question, I didn't know the answer so I asked the teacher, she got mad and sent me to the principal, I asked him and he called my dad and suspended me, I asked my dad on the way home and he told me to ask my mom, she grounded me when I asked her, and my brother, who is a skipper, came in the window so I asked him, he told me only you would be able to answer the question."
Intrigued, the Sheriff asked him to repeat the question.
"Mr. Sheriff, what is purple passion."
Without hesitation the sheriff pulled out his gun and put some lead between little Jimmy's eyes. But this was not the end of little Jimmy. The next thing he new he was staring at St. Peter at his podium in front of the pearly gates. Looking a little stunned, St. Peter spoke after referencing his book.
"Son, it says here you were shot by a sheriff, what did you do to deserve that?"
"Well Mr. St. Peter sir, I was playing with a friend at school and he asked me a question, I didn't know the answer so I asked the teacher, the teacher got mad and sent me to the principal and the principal got mad, called my dad and suspended me. On the way home I asked my dad, he laughed and told me to ask my mom, when I got home I asked my mom and she grounded me, then my brother snuck back home and I asked him, he told me to go to the police place and ask the sheriff. I asked the sheriff and I think he shot me."
"What did you ask the sheriff, Jimmy?"
"I don't want to say."
"Come little one, I doubt it could be that bad."
"Ok, Mr. St. Peter sir, what is purple passion?"
With that the clouds opened up beneath Jimmy's feet, and he fell for what seemed like years. When he finally landed he was in hell. He wandered around for a while before running into a succubus. Very curious, she asked "Kid, what the hell are you doing in hell?"
Shocked that he was in hell, the story just fell from his lips "I was playing with a friend when he asked me a question, I didn't know the answer so I asked the teacher, she got mad and sent me to the principal, who suspeneded me when he heard the question, so I asked my dad on the way home who laughed and told me to ask mom, my mom got mad and sent me to my room where I met my brother sneaking back in, so I asked him and he told me to go ask the sheriff so I asked the sheriff and the pig shot me, so I asked St. Peter and he sent me to hell. Ms. Demon lady, do you know what purple passion is."
Her face went stony and she pointed at a building in the distance. "All such questions are to be directed at Lucifer himself."
Very scared, but wanting an answer, Jimmy made the long trek to the Devil's office. When he arrived Lucifer was in the middle of some paperwork, but looked up just a tad bit surprised.
"Little Jimmy, I wasn't expecting you before your brother, what brings you to hell?"
"Well I was playing in with a friend at school, and he asked me a question. I didn't know the answer so I asked the teacher, the teacher got mad and sent me to the principal, the principal suspended me after I asked him so I asked my dad, my dad laughed and told me to ask my mother, when I asked mom she grounded me, and my brother snuck into the room so I asked him as well, but he told me the only person allowed to answer the question was the Sheriff, so went to the police building and asked him, but he shot me, then I was in heaven and St. Peter asked me why I died, and when I asked him the question he sent me to hell, where I met a demon lady who, when asked, told me to ask you. So please, please, please Mr. Devil sir, can you tell me what purple passion is?"
Lucifer starts to laugh, but calms down quickly. "Little Jimmy, purple passion is a five minute joke with no other purpose than to waste your time."
TL;DR: You beat the system, congrats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/353y2u/little_jimmy_was_playing_with_a_friend_on_the/
%
What is a ghost's favorite type of porn?

Booooookake

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/353xhu/what_is_a_ghosts_favorite_type_of_porn/
%
There were two sisters

named Petal and Fridge.
One day Petal was curious and asked her father, "Why was I named Petal?"
His response was, "Well, when you were a baby a flower petal fell on you."
Then Fridge says, "BLARGHHHALHGLAHG".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/353rg3/there_were_two_sisters/
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What did Tommy Wiseau say when he got an A on his final?

Oh, hi Marks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/353pb5/what_did_tommy_wiseau_say_when_he_got_an_a_on_his/
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An old Scotsman is drunk, stumbling home from the fair…

…Having drunk much more than he should have and still not even close to home, he gives up and keels over to sleep in a ditch on the side of the road. Tumbling down the incline, he comes to a stop flat on his back with his kilt up over his head and begins to snore.
Later on, a pair of young sisters are riding home in their buggy down the very same road, when one of them spots the old Scotsman, privates and all. The elder of the two thinks it would be funny to take the blue ribbon from her hair and tie it around the old man's penis, and they continue on their way home.
The next morning, the old Scotsman wakes up. With a throbbing headache, he blinks in sun, taking in his situation. When he looks down, trying to remember what had happened, he sees the blue ribbon tied to his junk. He breaks into a smile and says:
"Laddie, I don't know what you've done and I don't know where've you been, but I'm glad to see you won first prize!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/353i9j/an_old_scotsman_is_drunk_stumbling_home_from_the/
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I was dating a midget but it didn't work out.

My parents and friends looked down on her.
Bonus: It was a short relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/353i9f/i_was_dating_a_midget_but_it_didnt_work_out/
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My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

I told him to stop being so clothes minded

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/353ff6/my_friend_wasnt_open_to_the_idea_of_me_becoming_a/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/353evo/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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What do you call a sinking ship full of condiments?

Sinko de Mayo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/353de5/what_do_you_call_a_sinking_ship_full_of_condiments/
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I accidentally watched some gay porn last night...

... it was the worst 28 minutes of my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3537f9/i_accidentally_watched_some_gay_porn_last_night/
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In the midst of the NHL Playoffs, here is my first r/Jokes submission.

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3536qu/in_the_midst_of_the_nhl_playoffs_here_is_my_first/
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What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

Spit, swallow, gargle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35309u/whats_the_difference_between_love_true_love_and/
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Ted Nugent

is driving down the interstate late at night when nature begins to call. He sees a sign for a rest stop.  He says to himself, "Oh man, I know what goes on at these places at night, but I gotta go!"
So he pulls in to the rest stop, looks in the bathroom and finds it empty.  Relieved, he goes into the last stall and starts doing his business.  A moment later, someone comes into the bathroom and takes the stall next to him.
"Hey, how's it going honey?" says the man through the partition.  Ted ignores him.
"What are you up to tonight?" says the other man.
"None of your damn business" Ted barks back.
"Well that doesn't sound like fun, I bet I can make your night a whole lot better"
Ted starts to get pissed.  "You just stay over there, or I'll make you wish you did"
"Don't be like that baby, how about I come over there and we can make sweet love all night long?"
Ted loses it "YOU FREAKIN PERVERT, IF YOU STEP ONE FOOT IN THIS DIRECTION I SWEAR WILL GUT YOU LIKE A PIG!!"
The bathroom is silent for a few moments, then the guy says
"Hey baby....let me call you back, some A-hole is screaming his head off in the stall next to me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352zmp/ted_nugent/
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Americans , What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 13 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352v5b/americans_whats_the_difference_between_911_and_a/
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When an artist covers another artist's song, it's flattering. When a comedian tells another comedian's joke, it's

Carlos Mencia

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352uzs/when_an_artist_covers_another_artists_song_its/
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A Israeli and Palestinian are spitting on a statue of Hitler...

the Palestinian turns to the Israeli and asks him "why are you spitting on the statue?" The Israeli says that Hitler killed his people and deserves to be spit on. The Israeli then turns to the Palestinian and asks him "why are you spitting on the statue?" The Palestinian turns to the Israeli and says, "because he didn't finish the job."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352rm0/a_israeli_and_palestinian_are_spitting_on_a/
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Threesomes

I never understood the obsession with threesomes , if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I would have lunch with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352qbh/threesomes/
%
A blonde is speeding down the highway...

…and is pulled over by a blonde police officer.
Cop: You were going pretty fast back there. Can I see some ID please?
Driver: <Frantically looking through purse> I must have left it home.
Cop: Well, do you have anything with your picture on it?
Driver: <Hands over compact mirror> I have this!
Cop <Looking at mirror>:  Oh, I didn't know you were a cop.  You’re free to go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352nj6/a_blonde_is_speeding_down_the_highway/
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Today is Sigmund Freud's birthday

Which reminds me, Mother's Day is this weekend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352mqg/today_is_sigmund_freuds_birthday/
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What did the Marvel character say when he attained full control of his Android's CPU and Kernel?

I am Root.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352mfh/what_did_the_marvel_character_say_when_he/
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I'll never forget the day I met you...

...but I'm trying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352k4l/ill_never_forget_the_day_i_met_you/
%
How can you tell a house was built by lesbian carpenters?

There are no studs, it's all tongue and groove.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352jvp/how_can_you_tell_a_house_was_built_by_lesbian/
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The Unemployed Engineer

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic:
"A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.  Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."  Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."  Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"  Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.  Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."  Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."  Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"  Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."  Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..."  Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352ie6/the_unemployed_engineer/
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What did one gay sperm say to the other?

How are we going to get through this shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352hll/what_did_one_gay_sperm_say_to_the_other/
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What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin, Get the batmobile!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352bgp/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
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There are two kinds of people in the world...

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3528ye/there_are_two_kinds_of_people_in_the_world/
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Drunk Husband

In the wee hours of the morning a wife is woken up by the sound of the door, signaling the return home of her husband. She lays in bed listening to the thuds of his feet slowly make their way up the stairs. They get to the doorway and stop. The wife looks up and sees her husband carrying a sheep. Angry at him for waking her up she yells "Do you have any idea what time it is? And what is that thing doing here?!"
The husband, wobbly, leans against the door frame and says "this is the pig I've been screwing for the past 5 years!"
His wife shakes her head in part anger, part disgust and says "you drunk idiot, that's a sheep!"
The husband, looking slightly annoyed, repsonds "I wasn't talking to you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3528y8/drunk_husband/
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Auto-correct is so crazy now a days...

My mom meant to text me 'I love you' but it auto corrected to 'You're a disappointment.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352716/autocorrect_is_so_crazy_now_a_days/
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Because he had a hole in one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3525v7/why_did_the_golfer_wear_two_pairs_of_pants/
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What’s a porn stars favorite drink?

7up in cider

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3525lc/whats_a_porn_stars_favorite_drink/
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Nice Legs..

A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3524gy/nice_legs/
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So 2 guys walk into a bar.

........that's pretty much it i'm still 17

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35247j/so_2_guys_walk_into_a_bar/
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My first time riding a bike was like my first time having sex

Both times my dad helped me from behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35232h/my_first_time_riding_a_bike_was_like_my_first/
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Fat people with lisps...

are thick and tired of your insults.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/351zmb/fat_people_with_lisps/
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What do you call a doctor who eats his vegetables?

A cannibal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/351zlw/what_do_you_call_a_doctor_who_eats_his_vegetables/
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When I draw a fish I always....

... Draw it to scale

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/351ym5/when_i_draw_a_fish_i_always/
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Virtuality vs Reality.

Teenage son comes to his father and asks:
Dad, I heard words on TV like ''virtuality'' and "reality'' and I don't know what do they mean?
Explain to me please.
Father: Well, son let me show you.
Father calls his wife and asks:
Look woman, situation like this - Family is broke, I am unemployed, sick, your salary is being detained, and your beloved son is sick, he needs money for his medication.
In this situation, the neighbour offers you 1000 bucks to fuck with him.
You would be able to do this?
Wife: Yes I would.
Next he calls out wife's mother and asks:
Crisis has arrived, and all the necessary money is gone.
Your neighbor offers 1000 bucks to blow him and swallow. Could you?
Wife's mother:  Well, in that situation, I could.
Lastly, father calls out Grandpa, and starts talking:
Tell me grandfather, everything is fucked up, no money etc.. Passionate hunter like you are, there comes urge to go and shoot some meat, but you only have your  "Berdan rifle" and you lack of ammunition. And here you are, guy approaches you and offers you to take it in the butt, for clip of ammunition and 1000 green ones.
What would you do?
Grandpa:  Like you said  I like to hunt, alot. And i could help family.  Fuck it, I would let him do his thing.
Dad: And now you can see son, virtually we own 3000 bucks, but in reality we have 2 sluts and a faggot.
Please note: Engilsh isn't my native language, so i have grammar mistakes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/351vgs/virtuality_vs_reality/
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I'm sick of numbers defining who I am.

* My GPA
* My weight
* My 1st degree murder convictions
* My grades
* My SAT scores
These things are not who I am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/351v4p/im_sick_of_numbers_defining_who_i_am/
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Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol!

Not consecutively, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/351sww/today_i_am_celebrating_100_days_without_alcohol/
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THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is...having friends.
At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is...having sex.
At age 35 success is...having money.
At age 50 success is...having money.
At age 60 success is...having sex.
At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is...having friends.
At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/351sfk/the_stages_of_success/
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Why does the moon have no hair?

because it's waxing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/351s2e/why_does_the_moon_have_no_hair/
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Mad Man

Wife: How would you feel if I die?
Husband: I will go mad with grief.
Wife (a bit glad): You wouldn't remarry, would you?
Husband: You never know. A mad man can do anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/351psd/mad_man/
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If Reddit users were Military Weapons...

They would be Attention-Seeking Missles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/351i09/if_reddit_users_were_military_weapons/
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Walking down the street I heard a gangster call me a pussy...

I turned to find him and his friend laughing. Feeling brave I simply replied, "You are what you eat. Explains why you're being such a dick while your buddy's giggling like an asshole."
The good news is that the nurse says I can go home in 4-6 more weeks...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/351bvh/walking_down_the_street_i_heard_a_gangster_call/
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A Bacon Tree

Way back in the cowboy days, a wagon train was travelling West and hadn't seen anyone in days. One day, they came across an old Jewish man sitting under a tree, all by himself.
The leader of the wagon went over to the Jew and said "Hey, what are you doing way out here?"
The Jew replied, and told the leader "Ven I came to this country they give me a job, sit under this tree and warn people, dont go over the hill! Over the hill is a bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me."
The leader went back and tells his people that it's just some crazy Jew saying something about bacon.
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jew.
The near-dead man starts shouting. "You old fool!  You sent us to our deaths, why didn't you warn us!! We went over the hill but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, I made a mistake, it vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/351bgp/a_bacon_tree/
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The 12 Days of Christmas

December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! Agnes
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3519ok/the_12_days_of_christmas/
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What's Hitlers least favorite planet?

Jewpiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3518uu/whats_hitlers_least_favorite_planet/
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Uncle told me this joke when I was 7

While staying in an unfamiliar town, A guy goes into a dingy bar and starts knocking a few down. After a couple of hours and many drinks, he notices a huge jar on a shelf behind the bar full of $50 notes. He calls the bartender over and asks "Wtf is that jar full of $50 for?". The bartender moves the jar onto the bar and says "You put $50 in the jar. If you can complete 3 tasks the jar is yours"
Never one to refuse a challenge, the man pulls $50 from his wallet and drops it in the jar. "Okay" says the bartender as he grabs a bottle of rum, "The first task is to drink this entire bottle within 10 minutes". The man struggles but gets the whole bottle down with time to spare. "What's next?" he slurs, clearly extremely drunk. "There is a dog chained up out back, he has a rotten tooth that needs pulling, and he is one mean mother-fucker. When you're done with that the third task is waiting for you upstairs, see my grandmother lives up there. She is 95 years old and hasn't had sex in a long time, so once you fuck her the prize is yours".
The man stumbles out the back and a few moments later the bartender hears the dog beginning to yelp in pain. 10 minutes later the man walks back in to the bar with a triumphant look on his face and yells "DONE! OK NOW WHERE IS THIS OLD LADY WITH A TOOTHACHE"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3518dn/uncle_told_me_this_joke_when_i_was_7/
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Once there were three turtles

. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35177k/once_there_were_three_turtles/
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Panties

LUST : Tearing her panties off.
Love : Sliding them down gently
Marriage : Folding them regularly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3515zj/panties/
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A Greek and a Italian are having a beer.

The Greek Says
"You know, we invented sex."
Then the Italian turn's and looks at him.
"Well we brought women into it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35158r/a_greek_and_a_italian_are_having_a_beer/
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Faith

God and Jesus are planning the inspiration for the Bible.  Jesus asks God, "Dad, shouldn't we say something about not taking these stories literally?"  God replies, "Don't worry Jesus, these people aren't that dumb... Have a little faith!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3512wc/faith/
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I always found the movie "The Exorcist" confusing...

It made my head spin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3510zq/i_always_found_the_movie_the_exorcist_confusing/
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Three blondes were walking through a forest...

Three blondes were walking through a forest when they came across a set of tracks. They stopped, bewildered, wondering what animal could have made them. The first blonde says, "I know, those are moose tracks." The second blonde goes, "no, those are bear tracks." The third blonde says, "guys, those are definitely wolf tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3510l2/three_blondes_were_walking_through_a_forest/
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A girl said she met me at the vegetarian meetup...

I don't think I've met herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350z6d/a_girl_said_she_met_me_at_the_vegetarian_meetup/
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A man and a women meet on the elevator.

The man says "Where are you heading today?" She says "The blood bank." "How much do they pay?" asks the man. "$20" "Wow, I'm going to the sperm bank, they pay $100." Frustratedly, the woman leaves the elavator. The next day, both the man and the woman meet on the elavator. The man says "Fancy meeting you again, where are you off to today?" "The sperm bank" she says with her mouth full.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350y5u/a_man_and_a_women_meet_on_the_elevator/
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i take valium & viagra

so if i dont get a fuck i dont give a fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350wzi/i_take_valium_viagra/
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I got asked out by 12 girls

out of the women's bathroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350uwx/i_got_asked_out_by_12_girls/
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What does a buff zombie want?

Gaaaaaaaiiiinnnnnnnnnssssss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350rwu/what_does_a_buff_zombie_want/
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What do you call couples that practice pulling out as a method of contraception?

Parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350ri7/what_do_you_call_couples_that_practice_pulling/
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Why do people like r/citrus?

It's sublime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350rf8/why_do_people_like_rcitrus/
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What do you call 5 black people having sex?

A threesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350rda/what_do_you_call_5_black_people_having_sex/
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ISIS is knocking on my door recruiting...

Cause I just bombed this physics test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350r32/isis_is_knocking_on_my_door_recruiting/
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350qja/what_do_you_get_if_you_divide_the_circumference/
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My girlfriend is due in two weeks.

I can't wait til she's born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350o38/my_girlfriend_is_due_in_two_weeks/
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A son asks his old man...

"Dad, are you gay?"
"Who told you? Was it your father?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350ni1/a_son_asks_his_old_man/
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What do you call a deer with no eye?

NO IDEAR!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350ndr/what_do_you_call_a_deer_with_no_eye/
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Haikus have three lines

Sometimes they don't make much sense
Refrigerator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350mys/haikus_have_three_lines/
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What does a vegan zombie eat?

Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!
...
I'll show myself out...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350lnb/what_does_a_vegan_zombie_eat/
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What has a bottom on top?

A leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350l86/what_has_a_bottom_on_top/
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This will blow your mind!

If you take the pin out of a grenade and put your ear to the hole you can hear the faint sound of the world wide I.Q average increasing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350k8k/this_will_blow_your_mind/
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Boy born with no eyelids!

The Dr. used the foreskin from the circumcision. Now the boy is cockeyed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350jqj/boy_born_with_no_eyelids/
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Two blondes are in heaven.

One blonde says to the other, "how did you die"?
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if only you had looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350dox/two_blondes_are_in_heaven/
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Little kids turn to speak about what he learned from a relative's experience?

The little kid says, "My grandfather was flying over enemy territory during WW2 when he was hit and he had to eject from the plane. On the way down he pounds a 1/5 of whiskey. Once he landed he killed the first 20 guys he saw with his rifle. He proceeded to kill another 12 with his pistol, 5 more of the enemy died from grandad stabbing them with his knife and after it broke he killed another 3 with his bare hands."
The teacher asks in a shocked voice, "What did you learn from that?"
The little kid replies, "Don't fuck with grandpa when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350cwu/little_kids_turn_to_speak_about_what_he_learned/
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One day ...

a man, who often worked late, goes to work.
This night, however, the man was at his workplace for a ridiculously long time. His wife asked their son to call her father's workplace and inquire about why he always spent more time at work than at home. When the son returns he tells his mother that when called his father's workplace a woman picked up the phone. When the man returned home, his wife descended upon him with slap after slap accusing him of cheating on her. The man replied:
"Why do you say I am cheating on you?"
"When Joey called your workplace he said a woman picked up and you're the only one who works at your store"
The man called Joey and asked him what the woman had said when he called his workplace and Joey answered
" The number you have reached is not available..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350cc4/one_day/
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So, I have a black girlfriend now

Burnt the shit out of my hand on the stove...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/350c1a/so_i_have_a_black_girlfriend_now/
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One time I took a blonde girl to the movies...

We bought our tickets and waited in line for snacks. I got popcorn; she got M&M's. We got a drink to split.
We sat down during the previews. I started eating my popcorn and she opened her M&M's and dumped them all out in her lap. She carefully separated them all by color, took all the brown ones, and threw them in the trash.
"What was that about?" I asked as she returned to her seat.
She smiled and replied "Oh, I'm allergic to chocolate so I always throw the chocolate flavored ones away."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3507it/one_time_i_took_a_blonde_girl_to_the_movies/
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Why do they put fences around cemeteries?

People are dying to get in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35075x/why_do_they_put_fences_around_cemeteries/
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I hope the Orioles keep up their winning streak,

Baltimore has been on fire lately.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34zv34/i_hope_the_orioles_keep_up_their_winning_streak/
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A man is in a queue at a store and sees a busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.
"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Fucking hell, are you the stripper I shagged on my bachelor party, whilst your friend whipped me, and your other friend stuck a brush up my arse?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34zt9w/a_man_is_in_a_queue_at_a_store_and_sees_a_busty/
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Dad, I'm a lesbian

1st Daughter:"Dad, I am a lesbian"
Dad; "Oh okay!"
2nd Daughter: "I'm a lesbian too..."
Dad: "Jesus Christ, does any one in this family love dicks?"
Son: "I do."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34zsy7/dad_im_a_lesbian/
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Don't ever go to the top of the bell curve.

Everyone there is mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34zput/dont_ever_go_to_the_top_of_the_bell_curve/
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Have you ever smelled mothballs?

How'd you get their teeny legs apart?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34zp8k/have_you_ever_smelled_mothballs/
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One hundred bacteria walk into a bar...

of soap and get eradicated. There is only one survivor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34zkon/one_hundred_bacteria_walk_into_a_bar/
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There are no black ninjas..

Only Incognegroes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ziyx/there_are_no_black_ninjas/
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What will the "Red Hot Chili Peppers" become when they die?

Ghost Peppers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34zg0z/what_will_the_red_hot_chili_peppers_become_when/
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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment...

...when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discrete??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34zbz1/six_retired_irishmen_were_playing_poker_in/
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What did the Mexican say when the house fell on him?

Ayyyy watch it homes!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34zbgx/what_did_the_mexican_say_when_the_house_fell_on/
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Praying for a parking space..

A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34z6ol/praying_for_a_parking_space/
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There's only one difference between Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick's Day...

On Cinco de Mayo no one wants to pretend to be Mexican.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34z3f9/theres_only_one_difference_between_cinco_de_mayo/
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In honor of Cinco De Mayo - Why do Mexicans cross the border two at a time?

Because the signs say "No Trespassing".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34yyaj/in_honor_of_cinco_de_mayo_why_do_mexicans_cross/
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What's the worst part about having Comcast internet?

Loading...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ypxm/whats_the_worst_part_about_having_comcast_internet/
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Sex with me is just like my childhood birthday parties

No one ever comes and I cry when it's all over

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34yn61/sex_with_me_is_just_like_my_childhood_birthday/
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Glad everyone is done talking about the fight.

Now how about that May weather?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ym80/glad_everyone_is_done_talking_about_the_fight/
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Boudreaux Vs. Clarence

Boudreaux has lived across the river from Clarence for years.
For years they've hurled insults at the tops of their voices. "Boyyyy lemme tell you, chere," says Boudreaux, "One dese days dey'll build a bridge...an on dat day I'mma come cross dis here river an I'll give you an ass whoopin da likes you never felt!"
"An lemme tell YOU," says Clarence, "Da day you cross dis here river, it'll be da worse mistake o' your life. You'll walk cross dat bridge an you'll be carried back in a pine box!"
For years, similar insults were flung over that river without either of them being mad enough to attempt swimming or boating across to take the other on.
One day, such a bridge was built and Boudreaux's wife, Clotille, goes to him and starts badgering him.
"Now Boudreaux," she says, "You been hurlin insults an tellin dat man you was gonna whoop his ass. Dat bridge done been built, yeah! Now you go be a man o' your word or you go over dere an apologize for what you done said!"
She badgered Boudreaux until he agreed. Clotille accompanied him to the bridge until he walked halfway across, stopped, looked up, walked over to Clarence's house, knocked on his door. Clotille couldn't believe what she saw. From the other side of the river, she saw Boudreaux and Clarence seemingly burying the hatchet and shaking hands. When he finally rejoined Clotille she asks, "Boudreaux! What da hell possessed you to let bygones be bygones wit dat man?"
"I started to cross dat bridge," he says, "I got to da middle an dere's a sign dat said Clarence, 14 feet, 6 inches so I decided I didn't want none o dat but yanno, he look so much smaller in person!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34yjnx/boudreaux_vs_clarence/
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How famous is Colin?

Colin was bragging to his friend, Laura, one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, Laura called his bluff, “OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Colin and Laura fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”
Although impressed, Colin’s friend is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, she tells Colin that she thinks Colin’s knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Colin says. “President Bush,” his friend quickly retorts. “Yes,” Colin says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go. At the White House, Dubya spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his friend over, saying, “Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, Laura is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds she expresses her doubts to Colin, who again implores her to name anyone else. “The Pope,” she replies. “Sure!” says Colin. “My wife is from Italy and because of her I’ve known the Pope a long time.” So off they fly to Rome.
Colin and Laura are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his friend has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his friends side, Colin asks her, “What happened?” His friend looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Colin?”
(Any resemblance to Colin Firth in this joke is entirely coincidental – honest! :) )

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34yfaz/how_famous_is_colin/
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An American girl goes on vacation to Berlin

While walking through town one night, she sees a drunk guy openly taking a leak up against a wall.
Disgusted, she loudly proclaims, "Gross!"
The man turns with a proud smile on his face and says, "Danke!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34yf3o/an_american_girl_goes_on_vacation_to_berlin/
%
Today I shot a black man and his wife

It was a beautiful wedding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34yes7/today_i_shot_a_black_man_and_his_wife/
%
A roll of toilet paper walks into a bar

The bartender says "Go away, I'm not serving you anymore." The toilet paper asks "Why?" And the bartender says "Because every time you come in here you get totally shit faced"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ydw7/a_roll_of_toilet_paper_walks_into_a_bar/
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A penis lives a sad life..

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, neighbor is an asshole, best friend is a pussy and owner beats him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ydj4/a_penis_lives_a_sad_life/
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What do hipsters use for birth control?

Their personalities

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34y6ba/what_do_hipsters_use_for_birth_control/
%
What's a killer whale's favorite pasta?

Penguini

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34y3z4/whats_a_killer_whales_favorite_pasta/
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34y3x1/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T.

Tuesday, Thursday and Today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34y267/im_not_an_alcoholic_i_only_drink_on_days_that/
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What did the baby corn say to the Mom corn ?

Where is Popcorn ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34y24k/what_did_the_baby_corn_say_to_the_mom_corn/
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Why can't we see photons having sex?

They do it in the super-position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34y0s0/why_cant_we_see_photons_having_sex/
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How can you tell someone hates vegans, cross fitters, and atheists?

Don't worry, they'll repost a joke about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34y0j8/how_can_you_tell_someone_hates_vegans_cross/
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An 86 year old man goes to the doctor with a perplexing issue...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the man said,
>Things are great and I've never felt better.
>I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.
>So what do you think about that Doc?
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
>I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting.  In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
>As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver siting at the water’s edge...
>He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't the magnificent creature.  Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it right at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang bang'.
>Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
>Now what do you think about that?
asked the doctor.
The 86 year-old said,
>Logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied,
>My point exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xz6c/an_86_year_old_man_goes_to_the_doctor_with_a/
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Everyone talks about how May 4th is 100% hands down the best Star Wars holiday ever....

But only a fifth May deal in absolutes..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xvyj/everyone_talks_about_how_may_4th_is_100_hands/
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What's the Best Way To Embarrass A Psychic On Their Birthday?

Throw Them A Surprise Party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xvg9/whats_the_best_way_to_embarrass_a_psychic_on/
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Why Tom Hiddleston wasn't in age of ultron.

Maybe Tom Hiddleston wasn't in age of ultron cause he's trying to stay low key.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xt7l/why_tom_hiddleston_wasnt_in_age_of_ultron/
%
Why did the chicken kill itself?

To get to the other side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xs8r/why_did_the_chicken_kill_itself/
%
I was arrested for killing a black man

and charged with impersonating an officer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xr09/i_was_arrested_for_killing_a_black_man/
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Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

Because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
(sorry if this offends anyone)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xqb9/why_did_paul_walker_cross_the_road/
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I had a dog that always used to chase people on motorcycles

In the end I had to take the keys off him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xphu/i_had_a_dog_that_always_used_to_chase_people_on/
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Problematic Speech Problem

So I heard this joke when I was younger and was in tears of laughter so I'd thought I'd share it here, it could have been posted before but here it is for those who haven't heard it.
So a guy (lets call him Fred) with a speech problem goes into a hardware shop and asks for a fucket, staff is confused at first and realised he means bucket.
Fred then goes into a pet shop and asks for a cocker spankit, the owner is confused and realises he means cocker spaniel (breed of dog).
Finally, Fred walks into a bakery and asks for a bum, once again, staff are confused at first, but realises he means a bun of bread.
So as he is walking down the street with his newly purchased items his brand new dog runs off the leash and Fred runs after it.
A nearby policeman notices Fred and asks him "what's the trouble mister?" Fred replies, "hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xpgh/problematic_speech_problem/
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Viagra & Ben Gay

A man  walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.
I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny . . . keep potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength"and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
The man says, "Gimme 3 boxes." The next day, he walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants.
The pharmacist  looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."
The pharmracist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?!   You're not going to put Ben Gay on THAT, are you?" The man says, "Naw, it's for my arms.  The girls didn't show up!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xolr/viagra_ben_gay/
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I always go the extra mile...

because I always miss the exit on the freeway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xnhy/i_always_go_the_extra_mile/
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What is Hellen Keller's favorite color?

Corduroy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xjl9/what_is_hellen_kellers_favorite_color/
%
Mom, how are babies born?

A little boy asks him mom, "Mom how are babies born?". Looking at his innocent question, his mom answers, "When a woman feels like having a cute baby like you, an angel brings a baby from heaven and keeps it in the mom's lap."
Patiently hearing this sweet story from his mother, the little boy asks, "So fucking is useless?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xjh0/mom_how_are_babies_born/
%
What computer monitor sings the best?

A Dell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xi7a/what_computer_monitor_sings_the_best/
%
The problem with grammar nazis?

They're anti-semantic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xdbi/the_problem_with_grammar_nazis/
%
A catholic priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar

He orders a beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34xci6/a_catholic_priest_a_pedophile_and_a_rapist_walk/
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3 men were standing in front of the pearly gates with st peter...

He said "Theres only room for 1, so who ever can can make me laugh gets in" the first guy said "I was in my apartment on the 62 floor of my building when I stepped on my sons skateboard I went over the railing and thankfully caught myself on the 32 floor railing then a guy walked over, I thought I was saved but starts hiting my hands with a hammer. so I hung on for dear life then he left and pushed a fridge over the railing knocking me into the pool I survived but looked up and the fridge fell on me." the second guy said "I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early and looked for him I seen a guy hanging off the railing so I started hitting him with a hammer, but he didnt let go so I got the fridge and pushed it over when I did I slipped and landed on the fridge." st. peter looks at the third guy and asks "and you?" he says "well, I was hiding naked in this guys fridge"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34x89o/3_men_were_standing_in_front_of_the_pearly_gates/
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Al Sharpton goes to Best Buy

Al Sharpton heads into best buy and is browsing the appliance section. He calls over a young white male employee.
Al: Hey young man, I'd like to register a complaint.
Best Buy Guy: What seems to be the issue sir?
Al: Well you see son, all of these washers are white!  This is outrageous!
Best Buy Guy: (opens the lid and points inside the machine) Well if you look inside sir, you'll see that all the agitators are black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34x3vq/al_sharpton_goes_to_best_buy/
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Memory trick

Two very elderly couples bump into each other in the street, Jack says " hi there George, how are you?" George says " Great! we've just been to that new memory clinic, they teach you how to remember things using word association, it's really good" Jack asks " really? what's the name of the clinic?" George thinks for a moment and then says " let me see, eh, what do you call that flower with a thorny stem?"
Jack says "A rose"?
"Ah yes that's it" George turns to his wife...."Rose, what's the name of that clinic"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34x29j/memory_trick/
%
I've always wanted to drown my troubles

But I can never get my wife to go swimming

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34x14o/ive_always_wanted_to_drown_my_troubles/
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I passed a group of Girl Scouts this morning, with a stall that read..

.."Home-Made Lemonade: £15.00, Oral Sex: £5.00"
"Here's twenty pounds, girls, but I think you've got your prices mixed up," I chuckled.
"Once you've finished going down on me, you'll be gagging for that lemonade," said the sweaty fat one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34wxqb/i_passed_a_group_of_girl_scouts_this_morning_with/
%
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B

WASA B!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34wrzx/what_did_sushi_a_say_to_sushi_b/
%
I got teased by my friends, because they thought my girlfriend was imaginary

Jokes on them - they are too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34wm7f/i_got_teased_by_my_friends_because_they_thought/
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Buisness

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No!
Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.
Son: Then okay.
Dad goes to Bill Gates...
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No!
Dad: My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates: Then okay.
Dad goes to the President of the World Bank...
Dad: Appoint my son as CEO.
President: No!
Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
President: Then ok.
This is BUSINESS

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34wh57/buisness/
%
I hate spelling errors.

I mean, one simple mistake and your entire post is urined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34wa6q/i_hate_spelling_errors/
%
Two deer are leaving a gay bar...

and one say to the other in disappointment "man, I can't believe I blew 20 bucks in there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34w9d0/two_deer_are_leaving_a_gay_bar/
%
Honey, give me the baby.

-Wait until he cries
-Until he cries..? Why..?
-Because I can't find him...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34w5qx/honey_give_me_the_baby/
%
I was trying to think of a Legend of Zelda pun...

But I don't want to tri and force it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34w2t8/i_was_trying_to_think_of_a_legend_of_zelda_pun/
%
How is Reddit like fencing?

Ripostes everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34w2a7/how_is_reddit_like_fencing/
%
A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree

He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner  "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas genitals and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34w174/a_guy_walks_in_to_his_backyard_and_sees_a_gorilla/
%
Why doesn't the fat acceptance movement have a Gandhi?

No one is willing to go on a hunger strike for the cause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34w0zc/why_doesnt_the_fat_acceptance_movement_have_a/
%
What award did Chewbacca win his first season as a professional athlete?

Wookie of the year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34vv6w/what_award_did_chewbacca_win_his_first_season_as/
%
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34vuzq/did_you_hear_about_the_agnostic_dyslexic_insomniac/
%
A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender for his best scotch.

The bartender reaches up to the top shelf and gingerly picks up a bottle of single malt. He carefully pours a shot into a clean glass and put in on the bar. The guy grabs the drink and throws it down his throat in one gulp. The bartender is aghast and says " Whoa, whoa that is 17 year old nectar from the Scottish Highlands. It should be savored and enjoyed not gulped like a shot of cheap vodka !" The guy says "You would drink it fast if you have what I have." "Why what do you have ?" he asks. The guy says "$1.28 !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34vu0a/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar_and_asks_the_bartender_for/
%
If you ever trip in public...

...get up, laugh a little, and say, "Whoops, it's been awhile since I inhabited a body."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34vroj/if_you_ever_trip_in_public/
%
Did you hear about Lorena Bobbitt's car accident?

Yeah, some dick cut her off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34vqj7/did_you_hear_about_lorena_bobbitts_car_accident/
%
What did one orphan say to the other?

"Robin, get in the Batmobile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34vnz0/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
%
A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

Mom says, "You get babies when mommies and daddies have sex."
"What's sex?"
"Sex is when Daddy puts his penis into Mommy's vagina."
The girl thinks for a moment.  "Okay... but last night I saw that Daddy was putting his penis in your mouth.  What do you get when you do that?"
"You get jewelry, dear."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34vnvd/a_little_girl_goes_up_to_her_mom_and_asks_mommy/
%
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34vlty/why_dont_you_ever_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/
%
An elderly couple is about to be married

An elderly couple have been dating for a few months and have finally decided it was time to be married. Before the wedding, they meet over dinner to discuss the various aspects of marriage such as finance, housing etc. The old man then decides to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"What are your thoughts on sex?" He asked cautiously.
"Well" She replied carefully. "I would like it infrequently".
The old man sits their for a moment before giving her a small smile.
"Is that one word or two?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34vipn/an_elderly_couple_is_about_to_be_married/
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Black turned White

Two black guys are walking down the street and saw a sign that says turn white for $75.
BlackGuy1: Do you think it will work?
BlackGuy2: Only one way to find out.
BlackGuy1: I only have $50.
BlackGuy2: Well, I have $100, I'll go do it then give you my change.
BlackGuy1: Let's do it then!
(BlackGuy2 goes in and fifteen minutes later comes out white as a ghost, wearing a brand new suit and carrying briefcase.)
BlackGuy1: Holy shit it actually worked! Let me get that $25.
BlackGuy2: Fuck you, nigger. Get a job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34vhh7/black_turned_white/
%
Before you insult somebody, walk a mile in their shoes

Then, when you insult them you'll be a mile away and they'll have no shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34vhee/before_you_insult_somebody_walk_a_mile_in_their/
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A man gets the words "I love you" tattooed to his penis...

He then goes home to his wife and his wife tells him: "honey, stop trying to put words in my mouth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34vd5n/a_man_gets_the_words_i_love_you_tattooed_to_his/
%
"Are we going the right way, Yoda?"

"Off course, we are!"
Happy May 4th everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34vc72/are_we_going_the_right_way_yoda/
%
Is Google a Boy or a Girl?

A girl, because it tries to complete your sentences for you, and it *never ever* forgets what you said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34va2i/is_google_a_boy_or_a_girl/
%
What do you call a hooker who specializes in anal sex?

A backhoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34v7ti/what_do_you_call_a_hooker_who_specializes_in_anal/
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I'm circumcised but I'm looking to change that.

Anyone have any tips?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34v7en/im_circumcised_but_im_looking_to_change_that/
%
How many pot heads does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, we're stoned not stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34v75d/how_many_pot_heads_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
What's the difference between OP and Fed-Ex?



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34v5az/whats_the_difference_between_op_and_fedex/
%
If the dove is the bird of peace, what's the bird of true love?

The swallow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34v0q6/if_the_dove_is_the_bird_of_peace_whats_the_bird/
%
I bought my friend an elephant...

I bought my friend an elephant to put in her room.
She said "thank you very much"
I said "don't mention it"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34uzgk/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant/
%
they say that if you play nickelback backwards, it's devil worship...

But even worse, if you play it forwards it's nickelback

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34uxgb/they_say_that_if_you_play_nickelback_backwards/
%
Why doesn't Santa have to pay for parking?

Because it's on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ux19/why_doesnt_santa_have_to_pay_for_parking/
%
I fondly remember the time I found a cure for dementia.

Ahh......That brings back memories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34usv1/i_fondly_remember_the_time_i_found_a_cure_for/
%
A computer game character walks into a bar...

I should really turn no-clip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34uri0/a_computer_game_character_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A pirate captain is on the high seas...

A Pirate captain is on the high seas with his crew. Suddenly, his first mate comes running up to him in a panic. "Captain! Five British warships have been spotted! They are headed directly for us, battle is inevitable." The captain strokes his grizzled beard and replies, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate is puzzled but obliges. He returns with the shirt, which the captain puts on. "Why do you want your red shirt captain?" "Because, in the upcoming battle, I don't want me crew to see me bleeding from any wounds I may suffer. The red shirt will help hide that!" The pirates do battle with the Brits and miraculously, they win and live to sail another day. A few weeks later the first mate comes running up to the captain again. "Captain! Twenty British warships have been spotted! They are heading directly for us!" The captain ponders for a minute, then says, "Bring me my brown pants!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34upg2/a_pirate_captain_is_on_the_high_seas/
%
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?

Irene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34unvk/what_do_you_call_a_chinese_woman_with_one_leg/
%
What wasn't stolen when CVS was looted during the Baltimore riots?

The Father's Day cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34umuk/what_wasnt_stolen_when_cvs_was_looted_during_the/
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How do you know you're at a redneck wedding?

Everybody is sitting on the same side of the church

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34uk13/how_do_you_know_youre_at_a_redneck_wedding/
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How many SJWs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

THAT'S *NOT* FUNNY!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ujyd/how_many_sjws_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
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A crossfitter, a vegan, an atheist, and a Redditor who always exposes reposts are all sitting at a bar...

and I know this because they won't shut up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ujvr/a_crossfitter_a_vegan_an_atheist_and_a_redditor/
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Toe-Knee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34uidg/what_do_you_call_a_man_with_no_shins/
%
Three mathematicians go hunting.

As they are out hunting, they see a bird.  The numerical analyst fires, but misses to the left.  The applied mathematician fires and misses to the right.  The statistician shouts out, "We hit it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ui9p/three_mathematicians_go_hunting/
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Four physicists travel together on a train...

Four physicists travel together in a train: a Russian, a French, and an American experimentalist, and an American string theorist. Soon the Russian physicist opens his briefcase, pulls out a bottle of fine vodka and four small glasses, fills the glasses, and throws the bottle out the window.
“Hey, why did you do that, throwing fine vodka out the window ?!”, the others exclaim.
“Don’t worry, there’s plenty of this stuff where I come from”, replies the Russian.
Minutes pass in pleasant conversation. Then the French physicist opens his briefcase, pulls out a bottle of fine French champagne and four glasses, pours some champagne in each, and throws the bottle out the window.
“What on Earth did you do that for, wasting fine champagne like that ?”, others protest.
“Oh, don’t worry, there’s plenty of this stuff where I come from”, says the Frenchman.
Minutes pass again in lively conversation. Then the American experimentalist gets up and throws the string theorist out the window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ud4t/four_physicists_travel_together_on_a_train/
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Why do the nurses give the old men in retirement homes Viagra?

To keep them from rolling out of bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34uc0k/why_do_the_nurses_give_the_old_men_in_retirement/
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I think I may be allergic to women

everytime they touch my penis the damn thing just swells up like crazy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ub06/i_think_i_may_be_allergic_to_women/
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Why did the carpenter's wife leave him?

He was screwing around when he was supposed to be nailing her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34u9s8/why_did_the_carpenters_wife_leave_him/
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As Superman is flying above the city during his usual watch, he spots Wonderwoman sun-bathing nude, on a rooftop...

"What if I just fly down, bang her, and then fly away before she notices?" Superman thinks to himself, knowing full well that he's faster than a speeding bullet.
After a quick moral debate, he flys down to Wonderwoman, bangs her out, and leaves in the blink of an eye..."
"What the fuck what that?!" Exclaims Wonderwoman!
"I don't know but my asshole is killing me..." says the Invisible Man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34u7m3/as_superman_is_flying_above_the_city_during_his/
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A dslexic man walked into a bra.

His wife's washing was hanging out to dry and he wasn't looking where he was going. The man's dyslexia was admittedly pretty irrelevant to the event.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34u6t3/a_dslexic_man_walked_into_a_bra/
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I called my boss this morning and told him i was sick.

"Just how sick are you?" he said.
"well im in bed with my little sister, is that sick enough"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34u5wg/i_called_my_boss_this_morning_and_told_him_i_was/
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Muhammad Ali in 1974: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee

Floyd Mayweather in 2015: Run like a chicken, hug like a bear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34u484/muhammad_ali_in_1974_float_like_a_butterfly_sting/
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An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...

and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34u0fd/an_atheist_a_crossfitter_and_a_vegan_are_all/
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I find it really hard to tell jokes on reddit.

I always punch up the fuckline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34tw6c/i_find_it_really_hard_to_tell_jokes_on_reddit/
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What is the difference between a Pakistani Wedding and a Taliban training camp?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34tv1u/what_is_the_difference_between_a_pakistani/
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Why are gay men so rude?

Because they're fucking assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34tt69/why_are_gay_men_so_rude/
%
We should stop making fun of fat people

They have too much on their plate already

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ts5c/we_should_stop_making_fun_of_fat_people/
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34tr85/the_european_commission_has_just_announced_an/
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Two gay guys are standing on a corner when a hot man walks by.

Gay man 1 leans over and says, "See that guy?  He's a good fuck."
Gay man 2 says, "No shit?"
Gay man 1 replies, "Well, hardly any."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34tq3a/two_gay_guys_are_standing_on_a_corner_when_a_hot/
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My friend met his wife on tinder

...It was six months after their wedding

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34tq1h/my_friend_met_his_wife_on_tinder/
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What's the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34tppd/whats_the_difference_between_a_sharply_dressed/
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One isn't a real number,

Real numbers have curves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34toqg/one_isnt_a_real_number/
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If storks deliver white babies and blackbirds deliver black babies, what bird delivers no babies?

Swallows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34tn7k/if_storks_deliver_white_babies_and_blackbirds/
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Cation

Pronunciation : [kat-ahy-uhn,-on]
-Noun Chemistry
1.An ion with paws-tive charge.
2.The cutest ion ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34tm9u/cation/
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What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

Luke Warm.
May the 4th Be With You!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34tm7a/whats_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
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What did the colon tell the large intestine after several hours' worth of diarrhoea?

"Get your shit together"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34tllb/what_did_the_colon_tell_the_large_intestine_after/
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When i told my friends i was going to be a comedian they laughed at me.

They're not laughing now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34tk6j/when_i_told_my_friends_i_was_going_to_be_a/
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My Dad told me "always fight fire with fire"...

And that's why he's no longer a fireman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34thbo/my_dad_told_me_always_fight_fire_with_fire/
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How many sith lords does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They like it on the dark side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34teyv/how_many_sith_lords_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Gay jokes are not funny

Come on guys...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34teuk/gay_jokes_are_not_funny/
%
Mayweather goes 48-0

49-0 if you count his wife

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34tdx6/mayweather_goes_480/
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Three reddit mods walk into a bar

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ta6q/three_reddit_mods_walk_into_a_bar/
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Hitler and Stalin meet in hell...

and are standing in a massive pile of shit.How deep they are standing in it depends on how bad they were before they got into hell.Hitler already has the shit to his mouth and looks over to Stalin.
He is surprised to see that he only has the shit to his ankles and asks him why.Stalin looks over to him and says:"Let me tell you a secret. "What is it" responds Hitler. Stalin:"I am standing on a priest".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34t9ed/hitler_and_stalin_meet_in_hell/
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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors...

..who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him.
Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour he came out and told the cardinals that the bad news was that the Pope had a difficult disorder of the testicles ---terminal blue balls. He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex a couple of times.
Well, of course this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope himself with the doctor and explained the situation.
After some thought, the Pope stated, "I reluctantly agree, but only under four very strict conditions."
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there came a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room immediately stilled.
The Pope replied, "First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so that if she somehow figures it all out, she can tell no one."
After another long pause, a voice finally asked, "And the fourth condition?"
The Pope replied, "Big tits!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34t4g6/the_pope_had_become_very_ill_and_was_taken_to/
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Why does Floyd Mayweather have "TGIF" written on his boxing shoes?

To remind him that "Toes Go in First."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34t1ic/why_does_floyd_mayweather_have_tgif_written_on/
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Did you hear about the unnecessarily large string orchestra?

It was shut down due to mass violins

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34szol/did_you_hear_about_the_unnecessarily_large_string/
%
Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34swwo/recent_study_has_revealed_that_masturbation_might/
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What is it that no man wants but no man wants to lose?

A bald head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34sv21/what_is_it_that_no_man_wants_but_no_man_wants_to/
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What is the opposite of leapfrog?

Toadstool
*i'll just see myself out*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ss5l/what_is_the_opposite_of_leapfrog/
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whats the difference between your sister and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34srlj/whats_the_difference_between_your_sister_and_a/
%
A Jewish son asks his father for fifty dollars..

The father responds, "forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34sqnq/a_jewish_son_asks_his_father_for_fifty_dollars/
%
The Royal baby weighed in at almost 9 pounds

Which is just under $15 US

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34sqge/the_royal_baby_weighed_in_at_almost_9_pounds/
%
I just saw a Nazi drive past me at 88 mph

Probably going Back to the Führer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34sq3n/i_just_saw_a_nazi_drive_past_me_at_88_mph/
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My girlfriend says I've got commitment issues....

Well she's not really my girlfriend, more of a wife.
-Stuart Francis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34snme/my_girlfriend_says_ive_got_commitment_issues/
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My favorite drawings at the Muhammad cartoon festival in Texas were the two chalk outlines out front.

Credit Evan Sayet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34smgd/my_favorite_drawings_at_the_muhammad_cartoon/
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A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.

After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?
I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34sikd/a_nice_scottish_lad_moves_to_new_york/
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Did you see the headline about Mayweather being afraid to go outside in the heat?

"Mayweather May Weather May Weather"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34sc36/did_you_see_the_headline_about_mayweather_being/
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Two engineers are meeting for lunch

. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize.
"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.
The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the bike."
"Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34sbe6/two_engineers_are_meeting_for_lunch/
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Why does being a Chinese knight suck?

Because everyone always aims for the chink in the armor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34rzt5/why_does_being_a_chinese_knight_suck/
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I'm really not a fan of Mayweather but..

It's actually perfect outside so I cant complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34rqmv/im_really_not_a_fan_of_mayweather_but/
%
I love animals, and I want to stop eating meat...

But I just can't quit cold turkey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ro74/i_love_animals_and_i_want_to_stop_eating_meat/
%
I took an online narcissism test yesterday

Fucking nailed it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34rm0o/i_took_an_online_narcissism_test_yesterday/
%
Who has two thumbs and wears a mask?

Disguise!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34rlhg/who_has_two_thumbs_and_wears_a_mask/
%
What is it when people sleep on top of each other?

Little Katy asked grandma 'what is it when people sleep on top of each other'
Grandma thinking Katy was old enough explained to her the birds and the bees.
Katy ran off but came back quickly saying:
"Grandma, mommy wants to see you right now and she is really mad! She said it is called bunk beds"
:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34rkgx/what_is_it_when_people_sleep_on_top_of_each_other/
%
A Lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34riz2/a_lady_about_8_months_pregnant_got_on_a_bus/
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What's the difference between public hair and pubic hair?

Pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ri9y/whats_the_difference_between_public_hair_and/
%
I've developed a phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34rhv3/ive_developed_a_phobia_of_elevators/
%
Monica Lewinsky just released a statement on the presidential candidacy of Hillary Clinton...

She was quoted as saying that she can't vote for Hillary, because the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34rcru/monica_lewinsky_just_released_a_statement_on_the/
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sexual exhaustion

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34r95z/sexual_exhaustion/
%
Pacquiao wanted the fight to take place in the Philippines, but Mayweather insisted on Las Vegas.

I guess he likes his venues just like he likes his violence...Domestic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34r8ww/pacquiao_wanted_the_fight_to_take_place_in_the/
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What's the objective of Jewish football?

To get the quarterback.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34r6bf/whats_the_objective_of_jewish_football/
%
Everyone is talking about how good this Mayweather is.

I couldn't agree more; it's 75 and not a cloud in the sky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34r3kk/everyone_is_talking_about_how_good_this/
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Guy starts hitting on a girl in a bar...

After the initial flirting he asks "Do you like jokes? Because I know one about my penis, but its too long."
She smiles and says " That's funny because I know one about my vagina, but you're not going to get it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34r2id/guy_starts_hitting_on_a_girl_in_a_bar/
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I have a few jokes about unemployed people...

But none of them work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34qzgb/i_have_a_few_jokes_about_unemployed_people/
%
Boxing is probably the most applicable martial art to the street...

If you run away, you probably won't get hit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34qxki/boxing_is_probably_the_most_applicable_martial/
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I'm really glad that Obama won in 2008 and was able to be the first black president of the United States of America

his back up job was to be the first white president of Kenya.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34qx50/im_really_glad_that_obama_won_in_2008_and_was/
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How many koalas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Technically just one,  as long as he's koalafied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34qq9n/how_many_koalas_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a_light/
%
My wife has disappeared...

She's been missing a week now.  The police said to prepare for the worst. So I went down to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34qo10/my_wife_has_disappeared/
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Whats the diffrence between General Custer and Jack Daniel's?

Jack Daniel's is still killing indians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34qmzs/whats_the_diffrence_between_general_custer_and/
%
I asked a Jewish girl her number

She said she didn't have one, but could give me her grandfather's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34qjx1/i_asked_a_jewish_girl_her_number/
%
A blonde works in a dermatologist office...

and her boyfriend has terrible dandruff, so one day she asks the Dr. what she can do about it.He says, "Its simple, just give him head and shoulders." The next day she comes in and says to the Dr. " I've got one more question, how do you give someone shoulders?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34qidu/a_blonde_works_in_a_dermatologist_office/
%
Jimmy Kimmel should have Floyd Mayweather read mean tweets after the fight

Oh wait

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34qf28/jimmy_kimmel_should_have_floyd_mayweather_read/
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I made a chicken salad today..

The ungrateful bastard didn't even eat it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34qcpy/i_made_a_chicken_salad_today/
%
I need Jesus in my life

This lawn aint gonna cut itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34q83m/i_need_jesus_in_my_life/
%
What do you call a Mexican whose lost his car?

Carlos

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34q2xt/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_whose_lost_his_car/
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My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34q20z/my_parents_decided_the_key_to_a_successful/
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Everybody has been reading about the fight today

Except Floyd Mayweather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34q1zz/everybody_has_been_reading_about_the_fight_today/
%
Floyd Mayweather won because of an unfair advantage.

He gets to practice in the gym all day and then goes home and practices on his family.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34q1sb/floyd_mayweather_won_because_of_an_unfair/
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Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather

He can't read it anyway

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34pyto/say_what_you_want_about_floyd_mayweather/
%
What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble ?

A dollar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ptug/what_is_the_difference_between_a_dollar_and_a/
%
Four students plan to arrive late to their final exam so they can take it the next day

By the time they arrive the exam is almost over, so they head over to the professor to ask if they can take it the next day. They tell him they tried their best to come on time, but their tire blew out and it took too long to replace it.
The professor tells them, "Don't worry about it. You can take it today and, since there's almost no time left, you only have to answer one question. If you get it right, I'll give you an A on the test." The students, thinking this is even better than they thought, excitedly take their seats and look at the question:
Which tire blew out?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34pq5o/four_students_plan_to_arrive_late_to_their_final/
%
Mayweather still has a perfect record

At least until he's convicted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ppox/mayweather_still_has_a_perfect_record/
%
Why do Natives hate snow?

Because its white and settles on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34po40/why_do_natives_hate_snow/
%
I was planning on taking my little girls to the start of summer village fair today, but its raining, windy and cold so we decided not to go.

May weather won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ploz/i_was_planning_on_taking_my_little_girls_to_the/
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Why Floyd Mayweather can't get his daughter to go to bed

Floyd's daughter: Hey Daddy, can i stay up and watch TV?
Floyd Mayweather: No it's past your bedtime and you're suppose to go to sleep
Floyd's daughter: Well can you at least read me a bedtime story until i fall asleep?
Floyd Mayweather: Fine you can watch TV as long as you want

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34pkw7/why_floyd_mayweather_cant_get_his_daughter_to_go/
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My dad called to say he got fired.

He'd been doing roadworks for over 20 years but he got fired for stealing on the job. I couldn't believe that he would be a thief, but when I went over to his house the signs were all there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34pg47/my_dad_called_to_say_he_got_fired/
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If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

ba dum tsss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34pesl/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_a_girl_told_me_i/
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My love is like a candle,

if you forget me,
i will burn your fucking house down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34pcqb/my_love_is_like_a_candle/
%
Mayweather remains unbeaten

Unlike his ex-girlfriends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34p6jl/mayweather_remains_unbeaten/
%
My wife is weird...

She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34p4ds/my_wife_is_weird/
%
Mayweather was boring tonight...

If only they'd have thrown a woman in the ring, we could have seen him fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34oxd5/mayweather_was_boring_tonight/
%
Mayweather won.

That's it, that's the joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34owlk/mayweather_won/
%
I've heard the crime rate in the Philippines drops when Manny Pacquiao fights...

The crime rate also drops in Floyd Mayweather's home when Floyd Mayweather fights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ovz5/ive_heard_the_crime_rate_in_the_philippines_drops/
%
What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow?

a LepreKHAAAAAAN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34oui3/what_did_captain_kirk_find_at_the_end_of_the/
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The Elephant

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34orqb/the_elephant/
%
I had sex while camping once

It was fucking intentse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34opkj/i_had_sex_while_camping_once/
%
Jesus and Moses decide to go golfing...

They are both having great rounds until they reach the 7th hole. They hit their drives reasonably close to each other in front of a water hazard. Moses then says to Jesus, "You know, you should really use the six iron." Jesus then looks to Moses and says, "No, if Tiger Woods can use the seven iron, then I can use the seven iron." Jesus approaches his ball, and hits it less than 5 yards right into the water hazard. Moses walks over to the hazard, splits the water in half, and grabs Jesus's ball. Before he hands it back to him, he says, " Jesus, you really should use the six iron, you aren't very good with the seven." Jesus persists, and replies, " No, if Tiger woods can use the seven, than I can definitely use the seven iron." Sure enough, Jesus hits his ball right back into the water hazard. Moses once again walks over to the hazard, splits the water in half, and grabs Jesus's ball. As he hands Jesus his ball, he notices the group behind them is becoming irritated, as they are taking a long time to clear the water hazard. Jesus takes his ball from Moses, and walks onto the water. He then places his ball on top of the water and prepares for his shot. At this point a man from the group behind them approaches moses and says, "Hey! Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?" Moses turns to the man and replies, "No, he thinks he Tiger Woods."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34on8h/jesus_and_moses_decide_to_go_golfing/
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What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34olxl/whats_the_difference_between_a_drug_dealer_and_a/
%
My prediction for the fight.

I predict Mayweather with a massive right hook and an uppercut to finish it.  Then once he's done practicing on his girlfriend, he will lose on points to Manny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34olwn/my_prediction_for_the_fight/
%
My girlfriend is a porn star..

she is going to be *so* pissed when she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ol2t/my_girlfriend_is_a_porn_star/
%
What's 3 inches long and hasn't been sucked in nearly 3 years?

Amy Winehouse's crack pipe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ojgo/whats_3_inches_long_and_hasnt_been_sucked_in/
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What do Wolverine and Bruce Jenner have in common?

They are both X-Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34oiui/what_do_wolverine_and_bruce_jenner_have_in_common/
%
Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems.

Every time they would have sex, she would complain about splinters. Eventually, Pinocchio went to Gepetto for help.
Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend.
A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, "So how's it going with your girlfriend?"
"Who needs a girlfriend?," said Pinnochio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ohly/pinocchio_and_his_girlfriend_were_having_problems/
%
Food is like dark humor

not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34oh2v/food_is_like_dark_humor/
%
What did the scientist who was conducting sexual experiments on dogs say to his partner?

"If you need me, I'll be in the lab."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34obl4/what_did_the_scientist_who_was_conducting_sexual/
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What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34o8m5/whats_the_difference_between_michael_phelps_and/
%
Where did the sick boat go to get a checkup?

The Dock!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34o6ql/where_did_the_sick_boat_go_to_get_a_checkup/
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If a lesbian couple walks into a bar and the black bartender refuses to serve them, whose fault is it?

A white male. Duh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34o6je/if_a_lesbian_couple_walks_into_a_bar_and_the/
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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34o5sa/a_man_wakes_up_in_the_hospital_bandaged_from_head/
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Why does 0=1

COS(0)=1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34o5nq/why_does_01/
%
who enjoys sex more - man or woman?

A man and woman got into an argument over who enjoyed sex more.
The man argued,"Of course men enjoy sex more than women, no doubt about it!".
The woman replied,"Oh yeah? Well tell me this if your ears itch and you put in your finger inside and wiggle a bit and remove it, which feels better the ear or finger?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34o4t1/who_enjoys_sex_more_man_or_woman/
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Greatest situational joke I've ever told...

A girl I know was talking about how her white mum was an Indian chef, which my other friend couldn't quite grasp and said "How can your mum be an Indian chef if she's not Indian?"
I replied "You can be a pizza chef and not be a pizza".
Had a couple people in tears saying that so I thought I'd share it, might have been a 'you-had-to-be-there' moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34o2pg/greatest_situational_joke_ive_ever_told/
%
You know why Mayweather won't beat Pacquiao?

Pacquiao isn't his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34nynl/you_know_why_mayweather_wont_beat_pacquiao/
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Why there are led lights now!

Two physics PhD guys and mathematician PhD after a conference sit in a hotel lobby and having drinks. Suddenly the light bulb burns out over their head and maintenance guy comes and changes the light bulb. While changing it, he hands the burnt out light bulb over to the mathematician who puts it carefully on the desk. After the maintenance guy leaves he says looking at the burned out light bulb: "You do know guys that if you put a light bulb in your mouth so that socket is outwards you are not capable getting it out." Physicians disagree and say: "If it goes in, it also can come out. It is common sense."
One of the physicians puts then the burned out light bulb in the mouth socket outwards and after that he can't get it out (proved scientific fact now). So they order a taxi and go to the hospital.
Taxi driver is of course looking at guy with the WTF face but takes them too the hospital. Reception nurse of course tries not to laugh after hearing the story from the two guys who could speak and she pointed to the surgeons room.
Surgeon listened the story and is pleasant and experienced, so he just presses three nerves on the neck so the mouth opens up even wider and he gets the bulb out. Doctor says that his jaw movement will be back in 40 min, until then his jaw will be wide open and laughs at the three idiots who put light bulbs in their mouth in the middle of the night.
Guys take their bulb and get back to the taxi. The driver asked what it was all about. They explain but the taxi driver didn't believe them, the mathematician even takes out the light bulb. Next thing they were driving back to the hospital with the taxi driver having a light bulb in his mouth and socket hanging out. Reception nurse was literally rolling on the floor and laughing.
Doctor removes the light bulb from the driver mouth and crushes it and says: "Otherwise you idiots will be coming here all night!"
Because the taxi driver also had paralyzed jaw and jaw wide open, he couldn't drive properly and the police pulled them over. Police then asked the driver that where the hell are you driving these three.
Since the driver could not talk the mathematician explained what had happened. Police of course didn't believe them and asked them to follow him and went to check from the police station their background and check out the story. Few minutes later the police enters the taxi and with a light bulb in his mouth, socket hanging out and waving like hell to go the hospital.
As they pull up and go to the reception nurse, there was hard time reviving her after that. So they go straight to the surgeons door and knock.
Surgeon opens the door, jaw wide open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34nvqn/why_there_are_led_lights_now/
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I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34nrqy/i_was_thinking_about_spending_100_to_watch_the/
%
I asked a German girl her number.

Apparently, it was 999-999-9999.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34nrh6/i_asked_a_german_girl_her_number/
%
Did you hear about the tropical birds who got stuck together?

Well I won't explain now, it's toucan fusing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34nn2v/did_you_hear_about_the_tropical_birds_who_got/
%
An English teacher tells a knock knock joke

Teacher: Knock Knock
Student: Who's there?
Teacher: To
Student: To who?
Teacher: To *whom*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34nn25/an_english_teacher_tells_a_knock_knock_joke/
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What do you call a principal who gives good blow jobs?

A headmaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34nike/what_do_you_call_a_principal_who_gives_good_blow/
%
The interviewer asked, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

The job candidate responded, " I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."
Use it while you can, people!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ndnj/the_interviewer_asked_where_do_you_see_yourself/
%
I'm trying out a new idea for using gum that's lost its flavor.

Right now, it's just an ex-spearmint.
(Sorry)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ncw2/im_trying_out_a_new_idea_for_using_gum_thats_lost/
%
A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller...

He sees the tellers name tag reads Patty Black and says
"I'd like to take out a loan, Ms. Black"
"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"
"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I know the manager."
The teller is understandably taken aback by this, and asks if the frog has any collateral to cover this.
"As a matter of fact, I do!" says the frog, and he reaches into his pocket and hands over a tiny ceramic elephant.
"What?!" says the teller, "This is garbage! I can't take this!"
"Well, take it up with my father then!" The frog retorts.
"Oh yeah, and who might that be?" The teller is quickly getting more and more annoyed at the frog.
"Why, it's Mick Jagger!" The frog is waiting impatiently, tapping his toe on the ground. "Now, can I have that loan or not?"
"Wait right here" the teller says, as she storms into the back room, looking for her manager.
"There's a frog out there who claims to know you, and wants a million dollar loan. He claims his father his Mick, Jagger! He even gave me this as collateral," she says, holding up the elephant. "I mean, what even is this?"
The manager takes a look at the elephant and replies "It's a knick knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34n8l7/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank_and_approaches_the_teller/
%
I would never let my kids watch the orchestra,

too much sax and violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34n8i0/i_would_never_let_my_kids_watch_the_orchestra/
%
What do you call the fruit of Islam?

Quran-berries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34n8gd/what_do_you_call_the_fruit_of_islam/
%
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Go get your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34n4ps/a_fifteen_year_old_amish_boy_and_his_father_were/
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LPT: When cooking chicken, it needs a lot of support

Alone, it tastes absolutely fowl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34mz63/lpt_when_cooking_chicken_it_needs_a_lot_of_support/
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I shouldn't have said that...

I was explaining to my wife last night that Hindus believe when you die, you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34mwlh/i_shouldnt_have_said_that/
%
My GPA..

My GPA is the square root of -16.
An imaginary 4.0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34mrxi/my_gpa/
%
So I was out shopping for a Mothers Day gift for tommorow

I bet that scared the shit out of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34mrbo/so_i_was_out_shopping_for_a_mothers_day_gift_for/
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What do schizophrenic people think when they say an insensitive joke?

That sounded a lot better in my head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34mq3u/what_do_schizophrenic_people_think_when_they_say/
%
An engineer, a doctor and a priest are playing golf

There is an old joke about an engineer, a priest, and a doctor enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.”
The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.”
And the engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34mo1o/an_engineer_a_doctor_and_a_priest_are_playing_golf/
%
Today I saw two little kids fighting. As the only adult nearby, I had to step in.

Those kids didn't stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34mnqq/today_i_saw_two_little_kids_fighting_as_the_only/
%
If Joffrey Baratheon was anymore inbred...

he'd be a sandwich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34mmfl/if_joffrey_baratheon_was_anymore_inbred/
%
Why did the Indian pedophile miss work?

He was feeling a little Sikh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34mm6h/why_did_the_indian_pedophile_miss_work/
%
The doctors found a malignant tumor at my checkup the other day...

It's really starting to grow on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34mlfg/the_doctors_found_a_malignant_tumor_at_my_checkup/
%
Why are bananas so popular?

Because they have appeal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34mgta/why_are_bananas_so_popular/
%
TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time

Without looking like a twat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34mgc2/til_its_impossible_to_stick_your_tongue_out_and/
%
A shetland pony walks into a Burger King...

He walks up to the counter and whispers "I'll take one whopper please." The cashier says "sure, buy why are you whispering?" The pony looks up at him and says "sorry, I'm just a little hoarse"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34mc7x/a_shetland_pony_walks_into_a_burger_king/
%
I asked my 2 yr old to "give me a minute".

So my 2 y.o. daughter follows me almost *everywhere* around the house. I walked into the bathroom yesterday and sure enough, there she is 5 seconds later. Frustrated, I said, "Can you please just give me 1 minute?" She says, "Huh? Ok." and right when I think she's going to give me a moment of peace she reaches into her imaginary back pocket and says, "Here you go." :/
Edit 2: Be gone, you downvoting heathens!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ma51/i_asked_my_2_yr_old_to_give_me_a_minute/
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Is my wife dissatisfied with me?

A tiny part of me says yes..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34m90p/is_my_wife_dissatisfied_with_me/
%
Two new nuns remodel their bedroom.

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.” So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?”
“Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.” They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34m8bq/two_new_nuns_remodel_their_bedroom/
%
Why do they call camels the ships of the desert?

Because they're full of Arab semen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34m81u/why_do_they_call_camels_the_ships_of_the_desert/
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What does Dr. Oz do when you throw scientific evidence at his head?

Ducks like a quack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34m749/what_does_dr_oz_do_when_you_throw_scientific/
%
So a guy walks into a bar at the top floor of large skyscraper...

A guy walks into a bar at the top floor of large skyscraper and asks for a strong one. He drinks up and asks for another one. After quite a lot of drinks he walks over to a table where there are two men sitting, talking and drinking. "I'll bet you guys 5000 bucks I can jump out that window and land safely on street below!"
The two men look at each other then agree to accept the bet. So the drunk walks to the window and jumps out. The two men can hardly believe their own eyes when they see him land safely on the street and again enter the building. "How'd you do it?!" they ask in amazement when he enters the bar again.
"Well, you see." the drunk replies. "There is this ventilation shaft straight below this window, and the stream of air is so strong, it slows you down enough to land safely on the grid. Why don't you try it yourselves?"
So, both the men hurry to the window and jump out, facing certain death as they hit the street at high speed.
At this point, the bartender walks up to the drunk and says: "You know what, Superman? You can be a real bastard when you're drunk!"
*credits to /u/solarmoth for this joke, just had to put it up, made me chuckle.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34m2rx/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_at_the_top_floor_of/
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If sex is a pain in the ass ...

Then you're doing it wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34m2hd/if_sex_is_a_pain_in_the_ass/
%
Before I begin today's lecture

I'd like to relay an anecdote from my days as a student. My classmate and I both loved the same girl. In the end, she chose him and I was left with heartbreak. But my classmate was left with heart failure. Which brings me to today's subject: Syphilis and its complications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34lwde/before_i_begin_todays_lecture/
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What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34lvej/whats_the_difference_between_your_job_and_a_dead/
%
How are Mormons better than Catholics?

They marry the children before they molest them!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34lnb6/how_are_mormons_better_than_catholics/
%
Today's word is Legs.

Spread the word.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34liqd/todays_word_is_legs/
%
Two cows are talking to each other while grazing....

The first cow says
"Hey I heard there's a case of mad cow disease going around, are you worried?"
The second cow looks at the first and says
"Why should I be worried? I'm a squirrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ldau/two_cows_are_talking_to_each_other_while_grazing/
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Why was Humpty Dumpty disappointed with winter?

Because he had a great fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34lba5/why_was_humpty_dumpty_disappointed_with_winter/
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Two Monks

attempted to sell flowers outside the Playboy mansion yesterday. Despite the best attempts of the mansions security, the monks could not be forced from the grounds. It wasn't until the owner of the mansion himself arrived, that the friars left. It just goes to show:
that only Hue can stop florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34lazo/two_monks/
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How do we know bats understand cause and effect?

They see the world as a series of repercussions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34l8qi/how_do_we_know_bats_understand_cause_and_effect/
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A guy calls the local hospital

and yells, "You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He replies, "No! This is her husband"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34l85v/a_guy_calls_the_local_hospital/
%
Why do dyslexic Tumbler users hate Star Wars?

Sithlords everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34l1fo/why_do_dyslexic_tumbler_users_hate_star_wars/
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"Give it to me" she screamed "Give it to me I'm so fucking wet!"

But try as she might, she wasn't getting my umbrella.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34kxg7/give_it_to_me_she_screamed_give_it_to_me_im_so/
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If you're reading this..

then you are not Floyd Mayweather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34kuj8/if_youre_reading_this/
%
My Dad's favorite joke

A man goes to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. The doctor has to put him under so he goes and gets the anesthetic, but when he comes back the man says "sorry but anesthetics are to much I won't take them." So the doctor goes and gets laughing gas and the man says the same thing "sorry but laughing gas is too much I won't take it." So the doctor leaves and comes back with two pills of Viagra. The man says "why the Viagra?" "You'll need something to hold on to when I pull that tooth."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34kuad/my_dads_favorite_joke/
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What do you call a dairy cow who doesn't produce any milk? (OC)

An utter disappointment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34kt79/what_do_you_call_a_dairy_cow_who_doesnt_produce/
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What do you call a Jamaican guy on the internet?

A digimon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34kocq/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_guy_on_the_internet/
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A girl from the recruitment agency called.

She said, "Sir, I have three openings for you."
I said, "I know."
She hung up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34kn6r/a_girl_from_the_recruitment_agency_called/
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Why did the 80-year-old man call his dick Jesus?

It takes 3 days for it to rise again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34kmjb/why_did_the_80yearold_man_call_his_dick_jesus/
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You know who I hate the most? Indian givers.

No wait, I take that back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34kmf5/you_know_who_i_hate_the_most_indian_givers/
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How does a Muslim close the door?

Islams it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34klhr/how_does_a_muslim_close_the_door/
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A woman goes into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of her

vagina. The Doctor looks and says
"That looks very serious"
The woman says
"Oh no thats just the tip of the iceberg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34k4d3/a_woman_goes_into_the_doctors_office_with_a_piece/
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A ripoff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jzh6/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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Native American names (dads old joke NSFW language)

A young Native American boy is asking his father about how he comes up with the names for his children.
The father says, "The moment a child is born we step outside and the first thing we see is what we name the child.
When your brother was born, I stepped out and saw an eagle soaring overhead. So I named him Soaring Eagle.
When your sister was born, I stepped out and saw a deer running across the plains. So I named her Running Deer."
The father turns to the boy and says, "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jyx9/native_american_names_dads_old_joke_nsfw_language/
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I told my dog to "Lie."

He said "Meow."
Now I don't know what to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jwk5/i_told_my_dog_to_lie/
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I work for AAA

I was called out to help a woman whose car wouldn't start.  Used jumper cables to hook it up to my truck, started right up.
Woman:  "Thank you so much, is there a charge?"
Me:  "Just your battery."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jvxr/i_work_for_aaa/
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Fifty bucks is fifty bucks...

Eugene and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Eugene would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Eugene, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Eugene and Edna went to the fair, and Eugene said,
'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Eugene that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Eugene and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Eugene and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Eugene replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jsk1/fifty_bucks_is_fifty_bucks/
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Did you hear about the guy who illegally downloaded Free Fallin' and Refugee?

He was charged with Petty theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jrbr/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_illegally/
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I asked my friend about his time in prison.

"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jnz8/i_asked_my_friend_about_his_time_in_prison/
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What's black and loves to destroy Baltimore?

The Pittsburgh Steelers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jnv6/whats_black_and_loves_to_destroy_baltimore/
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Why was the Instagram star so bad at making coffee?

Because she used #nofilter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jnu2/why_was_the_instagram_star_so_bad_at_making_coffee/
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I don't know how to spell Armaggedon

But who cares - it's not the end of the world!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jmnn/i_dont_know_how_to_spell_armaggedon/
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What is Baltimore's favourite instrument

The lute

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jm1z/what_is_baltimores_favourite_instrument/
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Apparently the same firm rents buildings to both ISIS and Neo-Nazis.

You could say they're the lessor of two evils.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jlmn/apparently_the_same_firm_rents_buildings_to_both/
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What should you do when your girlfriend starts smoking??

Slow down and maybe use some lube...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jjg1/what_should_you_do_when_your_girlfriend_starts/
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If you skip church on Sundays..

You're pulling a Christian Bale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jj9k/if_you_skip_church_on_sundays/
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Decision Time

A man who had been seeing three different women decided it was time to settle down and get married.  The problem was, he couldn't decide which woman to ask to marry him.  Then he had an idea: he'd give $1,000 to each of them and whatever they did with the money would influence his decision.
So one week later, the first woman goes up to him and says, "I spent that money on a makeover, a set of luxurious cosmetics, and some beautiful new clothes.  I want to look as beautiful as I can for you because I love you so much."
A week later, the second woman comes up to the man and says, "Here, sweetheart.  I'm giving your money back to you.  It wouldn't be right for me to accept this kind of a gift; I want you to keep it.  I want to be as unselfish as possible because I love you so much."
A month later, the third woman pays the man a visit and says, "I took your $1,000 and invested it.  I got in touch with a stock broker who had a couple of lines on some good short-term stock picks, and in just the past month-and-a-half I managed to turn the $1,000 into $1,218.  And I'm giving it all to you because I love you so much."
So who does the man pick to marry?  That's easy!  The one with the biggest tits!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jgnz/decision_time/
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This year for Christmas you are getting jeans with the pockets cut out.

So you can have clothes and something to play with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jdeb/this_year_for_christmas_you_are_getting_jeans/
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A man is sitting in a bar...

A man is sitting in a bar having a beer.  This other guy walks in, goes to the bar.  He orders a shot of the special tequila and slams it down.  He walks out to the building across the street, up to the roof, then jumps off and lands in the street on his feet.  He walks back into the bar, orders another shot of special tequila, goes back the building and jumps off, again landing safely.  He walks back in and tells the first guy, "Hey you should try that special tequila." The first guy says "OK, gimme a shot."  He takes a shot, goes to the roof, jumps off, and SPLAT, is turned into a puddle of liquid goo.  Bartender looks at the second guy, "Superman, you're such an asshole."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jbyw/a_man_is_sitting_in_a_bar/
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What's black and doesn't work in an office?

Decaf coffee!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jbln/whats_black_and_doesnt_work_in_an_office/
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Did you hear about that boxer who adopted a child from Asia?

It's Mike's Thai Son.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34jawo/did_you_hear_about_that_boxer_who_adopted_a_child/
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What do you call a white Arab prince?

A milk sheikh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ja9g/what_do_you_call_a_white_arab_prince/
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It's dark in here.

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ja57/its_dark_in_here/
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Why do geologists have children with birth defects?

Because they practice relative dating!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34j542/why_do_geologists_have_children_with_birth_defects/
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How do you circumsize a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34j2zj/how_do_you_circumsize_a_redneck/
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Budweiser is a lot like sex on the beach;

It's fucking close to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34j10s/budweiser_is_a_lot_like_sex_on_the_beach/
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My wife has really been annoying me recently

When are you going to finish painting the kitchen?
When are you going to finish painting the kitchen?
When are you going to finish painting the kitchen?
3 times i've asked her and she still hasn't done it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34j0n4/my_wife_has_really_been_annoying_me_recently/
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Why is Santa's Sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34j0el/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
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A new study has found that if a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine per day it increases the chance of a stroke...

if you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34iytl/a_new_study_has_found_that_if_a_woman_drinks_2/
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Marriage Counselor

A couple are at marriage counseling and the wife says, "Even during sex he acts uninterested, not to mention he has a tiny penis".  The counselor thinks for a moment, then looks at her and says, "Sounds like he's just not that into you!" He laughs and high fives the husband with the small penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34iyb1/marriage_counselor/
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Animal smugglers

A man wants to smuggle a snake and a skunk through customs. The wife says to her husband "how are we going to get them through?'. Hubby replies "I'll tie the snake around my waist and you shove the skunk up your skirt". "But what about the smell?" she says to which he responds "Well if it dies, it dies…"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34isbr/animal_smugglers/
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What do your mom and the Baltimore Police have in common?

They both like giving nickel rides to black men!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34irvf/what_do_your_mom_and_the_baltimore_police_have_in/
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My wife asked me if I had ever peed in the shower...

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34iqgi/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_had_ever_peed_in_the_shower/
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What's your favorite pick up line?

Mine is the Ford F Series.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34iq0x/whats_your_favorite_pick_up_line/
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Schrödinger gets pulled over by a cop...

When the officer walks up to the window and asks Schrödinger for his license and registration, the psychologist seems to be a little off. Not sure if Schrödinger is drunk and/or on drugs, the officer asks him to step out of the car so he can perform a sobriety test. Schrödinger passes with flying colors, but he's now fidgeting and unable to make eye contact with the officer. The officer thinks that there may be something in the car, so he gets Schrödinger's permission to search the vehicle. He finds nothing in the glove compartment nor in the backseat. The only place the officer hasn't checked yet is the trunk. When he opens it, he's shocked at what he finds.
Officer: Sir, do you know that you have a dead cat in your trunk?
Schrödinger: Well, now I do...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34io5z/schrödinger_gets_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
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I say two kids fighting the other day, and as a mature and responsible adult, I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ikh8/i_say_two_kids_fighting_the_other_day_and_as_a/
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Three guys are waiting in line to get into Heaven.

St. Peter calls out to thee tree guys: "We don't have a lot of space in Heaven, so who ever tells be the most interesting death stories will get in!"
The first man walks up and begins his story. "I came home one day from a bad day to find my wife naked on the bed. I suspected that she was cheating with someone so I searched the apartment. I look under the bed, in the closet, in the washroom, but I couldn't find anyone. Then as I looked out the window, I saw two hands holding onto the ledge. I went to grab a brick and started bashing the guy's hands. He finally lets go but falls in a bush below. I wasn't sure if he died, so I threw my fridge out the window onto the guy. Later, I felt so guilty, I committed suicide." "Wow, that's a pretty interesting story" said St. Peter. The next man walks up to St. Peter and begins telling his story. "So, me and my wife were having a really heated argument. Eventually, she got so pissed that she pushed us out of our 5th story apartment window. Lucky, I was able to grab someone else's window on my fall down. All of a sudden, some nutcase began hitting me with a brick! I let go, and luckily fell into a bush. Just as I was getting up, the idiot dropped a fridge on me!" "Wow... that's also a pretty interesting story." Says St. Peter. Finally, the last man walks up to St. Peter and begins: "imagine you're naked and in a fridge..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ih60/three_guys_are_waiting_in_line_to_get_into_heaven/
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Asian Drivers Are So Bad...

that I wouldn't be surprised if Pearl Harbor was an accident

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ig47/asian_drivers_are_so_bad/
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A priest is being honored at his retirement dinner...

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the
dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The
very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from
his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his
boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the
politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ievr/a_priest_is_being_honored_at_his_retirement_dinner/
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How can you tell if your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34i7k1/how_can_you_tell_if_your_roommate_is_gay/
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What's the difference between a lima bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a lima bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34i65g/whats_the_difference_between_a_lima_bean_and_a/
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How do New Zealanders practice safe sex? (NSFW)

They paint a red X on the back of the sheep that kick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34i2wj/how_do_new_zealanders_practice_safe_sex_nsfw/
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Dealing with a Barking Dog

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like all the barking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34hvcf/dealing_with_a_barking_dog/
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A very old man is being interviewed live.

Interviewer : Sir, you lived all your life in a very remote village. We are eager to know what life was like in a place like this. Can you tell us about a day you remember particularly ? What was the best day of your life ?
Old Man : Well I remember one day we lost the most beautiful goat we had in the forest. All the 200 hundred men of the village went out in the forest and looked for it all day. It was absolutely impossible to find ! We returned to the village when night came. And guess what we found ? The goat ! It was right there in front of us ! So we all got very happy and started to dance, to drink... We were so happy we all fucked the goat. What an evening, what an...
I : Uhm... Sir, this interview is being broadcasted live... You can't say things like that on TV ! Tell us about another day you remember. Tell us about the second best day of your life.
Old Man : Well I remember one day the most beautiful cow of the herd got lost in the forest. All the 200 men of the village went out in the forest to look for it. All day. We could not find it anywhere ! When night came we went back to the village. And guess what we found ? The cow ! Right there in front of us ! We were so happy we all started to dance, drink... Then we all fucked the cow. What a night, what a...
I : Sir I have to interrupt you here. Kids are watching this ! You cannot say anything you want. Maybe the best days of your life are not such a good idea... Well tell us about the worst day of your life for a change.
Old Man : Well I remember one day I got lost in the forest...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34hrne/a_very_old_man_is_being_interviewed_live/
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Autopsy

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. "Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34hrex/autopsy/
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Lawyers and Loopholes

To all my Advocate Friends
Two well dressed lawyers went to an expensive restaurant...
Ordered 2 drinks
and then got sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat them...
Waitress: Sorry Sir !!! But you can't eat your OWN food here... Its against the rules ...
The lawyers quietly looked at each other and
EXCHANGED their sandwiches & continued their meals !!!
( You can trust lawyers to find loopholes in any rules)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34hrcq/lawyers_and_loopholes/
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Ski trip [nsfw]

Three friends were on a skiing trip in Aspen. After a long day of snow and mountain activity, they returned to their cabin. In an attempt to stay warm, they decided to all three sleep on the same bed.
The next morning, the man on the right side woke up extremely happy, and woke his friends. "Guys! I had the most amazing dream! I dreamed that I got a handjob from a really cute redhead! It felt so real!"
Stunned, the man on the left side said "no way! I had the same dream! And it felt so real! Except I got a handjob from a hot brunette! Ned, let me guess. You had a similar dream about a blonde giving you a handjob?"
The man in the middle says "nah I just had a dream that I was skiing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34hn6f/ski_trip_nsfw/
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Confucius say, many hand make for light work,

But one hand make for quick job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34hm9g/confucius_say_many_hand_make_for_light_work/
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How do you stop a mexican tank?

You shoot the guy pushing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34hltq/how_do_you_stop_a_mexican_tank/
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Why do Werewolves howl at the full moon?

It's right after a waxing phase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34hjt8/why_do_werewolves_howl_at_the_full_moon/
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Did you hear about the Rabbi who didn't charge for circumcision?

He only took tips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34hiwf/did_you_hear_about_the_rabbi_who_didnt_charge_for/
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My daughter asked me, "Daddy, if I had some nuts hanging on the wall, what would they be?"...

And I said, "Darling, those would be walnuts". Then she asked, "Daddy, if I had some nuts on my chest, would those be chestnuts?" and I said, "Hell yea". The she said "Well Daddy, if I had nuts under my chin would those be chinnuts?" and I said, "HELL NO BITCH then you'd have a dick in yo mouth".
(Courtesy Dr. Dre)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34hfzr/my_daughter_asked_me_daddy_if_i_had_some_nuts/
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An elementary teacher is talking about animals to her students...

Teacher: What does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good. What does the pig give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Great! What does the cow give you?
Kids: Homework!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34hcuo/an_elementary_teacher_is_talking_about_animals_to/
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I hate how people say that U is the last vowel.

Because fuck U, that's Y.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34hcdh/i_hate_how_people_say_that_u_is_the_last_vowel/
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Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?

They take things literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34hb92/why_cant_you_tell_a_pun_to_a_kleptomaniac/
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The difference between management and IT

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34h4gc/the_difference_between_management_and_it/
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The Tale of the Magic Dildo

A woman is married to a great man, and they are perfect for each other. They love each other dearly, have almost no marital issues, and their sex life is especially great. Well....when he's there. You see, this guy makes a lot of money, but has to travel a lot for work. So, naturally, they start to miss each other, and the wife confesses that she misses sex a lot. The husband, being open minded and chill about the whole thing, tells her he has no problems with her going to get masturbatory aids from a sex shop. She's a bit nervous, but after some thinking, she decides to give it a go.
The next day, she's in a local sex shop in her town, and she's looking around. She's never really had any experience with this kind of thing, so she's wandering around looking at things, before she hears "pssp...." behind her. She ignores it. "Pssp....you..." She turns around and see's an old lady standing beside a door in the back of the shop. So she walks up to the old lady, and the strange elder says "Come with me, I know what you need for when your husband is on another trip..." Amazed, the young wife follows the old woman into the back room, only to see a single table with a box on it. The old woman hands the box over and beckons her to open it. Nervously, the young lady opens it, to see a dusty dildo. "Ma'am...thank you, but I think I just want to buy one from out there.." she said, looking at the strange gift. The old woman laughs and says "Oh young lady, that's no ordinary dildo. This one, you see, is magical. If you say 'Magic dildo, my' followed by where you want it, it will pleasure you until you tell it to stop. There's nothing like it. Take it home, try it out. I promise you'll love it..." Scared, but curious, the young lady thanks the old woman and leaves.
The young woman sits down on her bed when she gets home and looks at the closed box. She undresses, gets under the covers, and quietly says "....Magic dildo...my vagina..?" Amazingly, the box bursts open, the dildo flies out, and goes right into her just as she wants it to, and she gets the most amazing orgasm she's ever had. "MAGIC DILDO, STOP!" she cries in ecstasy, and it does, going back into the box.
Naturally, she becomes addicted. She uses it every night that her husband is gone. "Magic dildo, my vagina" every night for weeks. But every night, the dildo takes a little longer to actually stop and go back into the box. Until, one night, she's on the couch, squirming in pleasure, until she climaxes and says "Magic dildo...stop." It doesn't. "Magic dildo....stop." It keeps going inside her. "MAGIC DILDO, STOP!" It just keeps going as if she said nothing. Terrified, she awkwardly hobbles to her car after she throws on a dress, and speeds down the highway to get to the sex shop. She arrives, banging on the door. The old woman comes over and opens the door. "THIS THING WON'T STOP, IT HURTS SO BAD!" she says. "Oh sweetheart...Didn't I tell you? Use it too much, and it'll never stop. It needs to find a new owner, or it'll never stop again." Mortified, the young woman gets back into the car, sobbing, speeding to the hospital. Ten minutes into the drive, she see's police lights behind her. She stops the car and the officer approaches the window. He leans over and says "Ma'am, do you know you were going over 100 miles per hour...?" The woman, desperate, cries out "Sir, I know you won't believe me at first, but there is a magic dildo in me and it won't stop going! I need a doctor!"
The officer stares at her, then laughs.
"Ha! Magic dildo my ass..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34h3ry/the_tale_of_the_magic_dildo/
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What's the difference between my jokes and my weiner?

Women never laugh at my jokes
:(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34gyv5/whats_the_difference_between_my_jokes_and_my/
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Lil Johnny..

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.  The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand.  "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.  Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next.  "My dad owns a farm too.  Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.  Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.";
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny.  "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.  He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.  On the way down, he drank the case of beer.  Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.  He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!  So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.  Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked.  After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34gx7l/lil_johnny/
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Fractions are like sex...

It's improper when the bigger one's on top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34gwhl/fractions_are_like_sex/
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A driver driver is pulled over by a policeman...

The policeman approaches the car and says, "Sir do you know why I pulled you over?"
"Yes, because I was speeding."
"I got you on my radar gun going 20 mph over the speed limit. Any particular reason you were driving that fast?"
"Yes officer I was late for work."
"Well it must be a pretty important job for you to be driving that fast. What do you do for work?"
"I'm an asshole stretcher."
"Wtf is does an asshole stretcher do?"
"Well, you take a regular asshole and stick one finger in it and start loosening it up.
Then eventually you can get two fingers in there and start keep working at it.
Then you get a fist in there.
Then you get both hands in there and really start pulling on it and making it really big.
Fuck by the end of the day I can make an asshole 6 ft tall."
"And just what do you do with a 6 ft asshole?" The policeman asks.
"Put a radar gun in it's hands and stick it on the side of the highway."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34gqxj/a_driver_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_policeman/
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What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34gom4/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_when_he_left/
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Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields?

I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34gojn/old_rich_white_men_selecting_strong_young_black/
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count

as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a  jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man  explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried  with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the darn jar open.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34glii/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_for/
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My dad always warned me about anal.

He said "Son, this is going to hurt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34gjie/my_dad_always_warned_me_about_anal/
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Why did the stool not listen to the stepladder?

Because it wasn't his real dad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34gjg5/why_did_the_stool_not_listen_to_the_stepladder/
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Do you know you can't hang a man with a wooden leg in Maine?

You have to use a rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34giw5/do_you_know_you_cant_hang_a_man_with_a_wooden_leg/
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A lawyer walks across the street.

He's hit by a bus he gets up and there's flames all around him. He says fuck and looks bummed out the devil walks up and says why the long face. I'm in hell he says. The devil says well its not that bad down here, Do you like to drink? Yes says the lawyer the devil says Monday all we do is drink all day long wine beer whiskey rum you name it and drink all you want there's no hangovers. The devil asks him do you like to gamble? Yes says the lawyer devil says On Tuesday all we do is gamble all day long black jack horse racing keno bingo you name it all day long. Devil says you like drugs? Lawyer says sure occasionally I'd partake devil says Wednesday all we do is drugs all you want smack crack pot meth you name it all we do drugs all day long. Devil asks are you into homosexuality?  No I'm not said the lawyer. Oh your'e not gonna like Thursday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34giay/a_lawyer_walks_across_the_street/
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Tried heroin last night...

It was dope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34g9ie/tried_heroin_last_night/
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3 Guys on a mountain (My go to joke)

3 Guys just climbed the the highest mountain in the Swiss Alps and they see an old man dressed in rags standing near the the cliff on the opposite side...
The old man says *"Welcome to the Magical Mountain... This mountain will allow you to transform into anything you wish! Just run and jump off this cliff and in the air YELL what you want to turn into! Just like this..."* he runs and jumps and yells "**FALCON**"... he magically turns into a falcon and flies away!
The 3 guys were amazed and all decided to try.
The 1st guy runs and jumps and yells "**EAGLE**"... he magically turns into an eagle and flies away!
The 2nd guy runs and jumps and yells "**OWL**"... he magically turns into an owl and flies away!
The 3rd guy runs and right before he jumps he trips on a rock and yells "**SHIT**"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34g70c/3_guys_on_a_mountain_my_go_to_joke/
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Who was the least guilty President of the them all?

Lincoln. He was in-a-cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34g6xc/who_was_the_least_guilty_president_of_the_them_all/
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Mayweather will probably win against Pacquiao

He gets extra practice with his wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34g564/mayweather_will_probably_win_against_pacquiao/
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I lasted an hour and 15 seconds in sex yesterday.

thanks you daylight savings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34g3so/i_lasted_an_hour_and_15_seconds_in_sex_yesterday/
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Two cops knocked on my door

Me: What do you want?
Cops: We just want to talk.
Me: How many of you are out there?
Cops: There's two of us.
Me: So why don't you talk with each other?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34g32k/two_cops_knocked_on_my_door/
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The Beginning of Life

A curious young girl asks her mother "Mom, how did life begin?". The mother responds and tells the story of Adam and Eve and how all life began there.
The young girl then asks her father the same question and he responds "Well, we all came from monkeys".
Now very confused, the young girl goes to her mother and questions her about the situation. The mother responds "Oh honey, I was talking about my side of the family"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34g1ke/the_beginning_of_life/
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I had sex in an orchard today.

I came in cider.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34g0e7/i_had_sex_in_an_orchard_today/
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What US city has the dirtiest waffles?

San Diego

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34fzyi/what_us_city_has_the_dirtiest_waffles/
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Why do jews get their penises circumcised?

Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not 10% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34fyjh/why_do_jews_get_their_penises_circumcised/
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The rules of weed do not work for pussy..

If you can smell it across the room, it's not the good shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34fy1s/the_rules_of_weed_do_not_work_for_pussy/
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What was Bruce Lees vegetarian brothers name?

Broco Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34fwvz/what_was_bruce_lees_vegetarian_brothers_name/
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Gay jokes are NOT funny

Come on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34fvri/gay_jokes_are_not_funny/
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Did you know that Stalin had a girlfriend that cheated on him?

You know what, don't worry about it. She's out of the picture now anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34fv3l/did_you_know_that_stalin_had_a_girlfriend_that/
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What do you call a christian crawdad?

A Prayfish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34fqtu/what_do_you_call_a_christian_crawdad/
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Bob's Nails.

Bob made metal nails for all need and uses. For woodworking or construction, his nails where the best and he wanted to make a TV commercial to promote them.
So he went to a studio to get his commercial made. There he gave an idea of how he wanted his commercial "I want it to be epic and persuasive, everyone should buy my nails", he was said to not worry and come back in a week, and the commercial would be made. He came back a week later and he watched his commercial preview.
The scene was grim and dark, unsettling holy music was filling the air and Bob could see a ghastly figure moaning and suffering in the distance. The camera slowly got closer to the mysterious figure. It was Jesus at the cross, having his final moments and making pain noises. Then, the commercial tag came in "Bob's Nails. Never fails."
Bob was visibly angry. "This is outrageous! Preposterous! You will get me in so much trouble if this runs on the TV". The commercial editor and director had no idea what was wrong with it, but fearing his client would refuse to pay, he asked for a second chance. Bob had to think for a moment, but thinking that it possibly couldn't be worse, agreed. He was there a week later and a new commercial was waiting for him.
The scene this time was a vibrant read and you could see a small field, tension was rising and the music was sharp and nerve wrecking. Suddenly, a man in poor shape came running through the field, wearing teared clothes and had scratches and cuts dripping blood all over his body. Not that far behind him, a huge army of roman soldiers were rushing hot on his trail. We see the man and the soldiers passing the camera and two soldiers are left behind, gasping for breath.
One looks at the other and slaps his arm.
"I told you we should have used Bob's Nails."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34fprv/bobs_nails/
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Did you guys hear about the shoe store that got looted in Baltimore?

The only thing they left were the work boots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34fjnj/did_you_guys_hear_about_the_shoe_store_that_got/
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I was watching some strange porn the other night...

...it had a fat naked guy perched on the end of his bed, crying while he masterbated.
Then I realised I hadn't turned the tv on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34fjjy/i_was_watching_some_strange_porn_the_other_night/
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My girlfriend wanted to have a talk about how childish i am

But she didn't have the secret password to my pillow fort so she couldn't get in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34fit3/my_girlfriend_wanted_to_have_a_talk_about_how/
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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him.
Vampire 1 responds  "A nice warm cup of blood"
Bartender says "coming right up"
Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!"
After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns to the third vampire.
The bartender asks " let me guess, you want a cup of blood as well?"
Vampire 3 sits down and says "actually may I get a glass of hot water?"
Bartender is in shock and asks "hot water? But why?"
Vampire 3 takes a used tampon out of his coat pocket and responds
"I'm having tea"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34feld/three_vampires_walk_into_a_bar/
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I tried to google image search Rorschach tests...

but all I could find were pictures of boobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34fd3s/i_tried_to_google_image_search_rorschach_tests/
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A blonde was rushed to the hospital

with a bullet wound in her index finger.
Doctor: how did this happen?
Blonde: I tried to suicide.
Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide?
Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34f87k/a_blonde_was_rushed_to_the_hospital/
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Guys, you CAN catch AIDS from a toilet seat!

If you sit down before the other guy gets up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34f3iy/guys_you_can_catch_aids_from_a_toilet_seat/
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A blind man walks into a bar...

A blind man walks into a bar and sits down.  He says to the bartender, "Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke?"  The bartender leans in and says, "Sir, because you're blind, I'm going to offer you some advice.  The blonde lady in the corner, she is a trained MMA fighter.  The two blonde girls in the booth are professional tag team wrestlers.  The blonde at the end of the bar is an off duty police officer, and me, I'm blonde and I always keep a large baseball bat behind the counter and I am having a very bad day.  Now, do you still want to tell a blonde joke in here?"  The blind man thinks about it for a second.  "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it 5 times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34f3bk/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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My oldest dirty joke, From my grandfather around the campfire...

**An old couple gets pulled over and...**
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
*Cue my grandmother scolding my grandfather for telling a dirty joke in front of the kids.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34eyui/my_oldest_dirty_joke_from_my_grandfather_around/
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Where do all the funny people hang out at a party?

In the punch line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34evfq/where_do_all_the_funny_people_hang_out_at_a_party/
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What is the worst joke you have ever Heard?

I'll start it off: Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34etn0/what_is_the_worst_joke_you_have_ever_heard/
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Would you remarry if I die?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34em4x/would_you_remarry_if_i_die/
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Hit by a fastball

A man walks into his kitchen with his hands between his legs
and a pained expression on his face.
"what happened darling?" says his wife.
"I got hit with a fastball at practice" he replies.
"Oh you poor man, come here and i'll massage it better".
So she pulls out his penis and begins to massage with various scented oils.
"how's that my darling, are you feeling better?"
The man examines his bruised finger and says:
"That's great darling, but I still think i'll lose the nail."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34eknl/hit_by_a_fastball/
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I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week...

He never called me back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ek3n/i_had_a_one_night_stand_with_an_amish_guy_the/
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How cute does someone have to be for sparks to fly?

Electro*cute*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ee7r/how_cute_does_someone_have_to_be_for_sparks_to_fly/
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What was the theme at Nixon's funeral?

Dick-in-a-box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ediq/what_was_the_theme_at_nixons_funeral/
%
A blind man and his guide dog go into a supermarket

He picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head.
The manager runs to him and asks what he's doing...?
"Just having a look around thanks" he replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ec8x/a_blind_man_and_his_guide_dog_go_into_a/
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What is the scariest thing about a white man in prison?

You know he did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34eb9i/what_is_the_scariest_thing_about_a_white_man_in/
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[On a date] Date: So what do you do?

Me: I'm a taxidermist
Date: Oh... wow.
Fox: And a ventriloquist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34e95l/on_a_date_date_so_what_do_you_do/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34e8mm/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
%
This morning I woke up to a tap on my front door.

My plumber has a weird sense of humour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34e83p/this_morning_i_woke_up_to_a_tap_on_my_front_door/
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A driver is pulled over by a policeman....

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34e7cl/a_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_policeman/
%
Homeless man and a Suicidal Woman.

A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"
The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years."
The woman replied "No, you're disgusting."
The homeless man turned and began to walk away when the woman said "WAIT! THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK ME OUT OF THIS?"
The homeless man turned, smiled and said, "I'm going to the bottom, if I hurry, you'll still be warm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34e7cf/homeless_man_and_a_suicidal_woman/
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I met a guy yesterday who told me he worked as a limb stretcher.

Turns out the bastard was pulling my leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34e2g8/i_met_a_guy_yesterday_who_told_me_he_worked_as_a/
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I tried to make belt out of watches...

...but it was just a waist of time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34e25k/i_tried_to_make_belt_out_of_watches/
%
Why don't Jews eat pussy?

It's too close to the gas chamber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34e138/why_dont_jews_eat_pussy/
%
What's the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34dvak/whats_the_difference_between_batman_and_a_black/
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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day

Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34dq3d/build_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_a_day/
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My colleague was fired for stealing printer cartridges

He was caught magenta handed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34dnnf/my_colleague_was_fired_for_stealing_printer/
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What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung?

Guardians of the Galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34dlon/what_do_you_call_the_security_guards_outside_of/
%
The Way Women Think

Husband's Message (by text):
"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"
Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34dgs4/the_way_women_think/
%
Trumpets and Gun

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34dfyh/trumpets_and_gun/
%
The Haircut!

Female version:
First Woman: Oh, you got a haircut! That's so cute!
Second Woman: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy-looking?
First Woman: Oh Goodness, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with it how it is, I think.
Second Woman: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts-that would really suit you. I was going to do that except that I was afraid it would accentuate my long neck.
First Woman: What's wrong with your neck? I would love to have a neck like yours; anything to take attention away from my awful shoulder line.
Second Woman: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything hangs so well on you. You're like a walking fashion catalogue. But look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Male version:
First Man: Haircut?
Second Man: Yeah.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34dedz/the_haircut/
%
I lost my virginity to a mentally disabled girl.

I wanted that first time to be special.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ddsf/i_lost_my_virginity_to_a_mentally_disabled_girl/
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What's the difference between a penis and a testicle? (sfw)

There's a vas deferens between them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34dce4/whats_the_difference_between_a_penis_and_a/
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our top story today

after a disappointing summer Humpty Dumpty has a great fall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34dbru/our_top_story_today/
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Doctor...

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.
~~~~~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
~~~~~
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months.
~~~~~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
~~~~~
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked,"When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"
~~~~~
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
~~~~~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these - If they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~~~~~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, He told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34d9h8/doctor/
%
A priest is checking into a motel

and just before taking his room key he asks the concierge, "by the way, is the pornography in my room disabled?" The concierge replies, "no, it's regular porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34d614/a_priest_is_checking_into_a_motel/
%
Whoever said nothing good comes easy

Never had a premature ejaculation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34d1sn/whoever_said_nothing_good_comes_easy/
%
Two friends were having a conversation...

The first guy says "Man, my neighbors were up yelling and screaming at one in the morning."
"Ouch." says the other guy "Did they wake you up?"
"No. I was already up, playing my bagpipes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34d0f6/two_friends_were_having_a_conversation/
%
A kiss makes my whole day, but anal...(NSFW)

..makes my hole weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34cxwp/a_kiss_makes_my_whole_day_but_analnsfw/
%
Losing my virginity was a lot like learning to ride my bike

My dad was behind me the whole way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ct4e/losing_my_virginity_was_a_lot_like_learning_to/
%
A rapist, a carpenter, and Alexander the Great walk into a bar

They came, they saw, they conquered

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34crpd/a_rapist_a_carpenter_and_alexander_the_great_walk/
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Salary

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34cno2/salary/
%
I got hit by a can of coke...

Good thing it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34cng1/i_got_hit_by_a_can_of_coke/
%
I found a website with guaranteed real virgins [NSFW]

www.reddit.com

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ckv7/i_found_a_website_with_guaranteed_real_virgins/
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The Canine Applicant

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air. The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ckge/the_canine_applicant/
%
You know you masturbate too much when...

both hands pretend to be asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34cj7c/you_know_you_masturbate_too_much_when/
%
What type of drugs do ducks use?

What type of drugs to ducks use?
Quack cocaine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ccm8/what_type_of_drugs_do_ducks_use/
%
I've always had a deep connection with mirrors

I see a lot of myself in them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34cbbf/ive_always_had_a_deep_connection_with_mirrors/
%
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Its a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34cb39/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
My apartment was starting to smell bad so I bought myself a candle.

It just makes scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34c79u/my_apartment_was_starting_to_smell_bad_so_i/
%
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34c4qr/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
Kraft have just opened up a new factory in Jerusalem...

They've called it 'Cheeses of Nazareth'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34bzwo/kraft_have_just_opened_up_a_new_factory_in/
%
A young man comes out as gay to his mother.

She asks him, "So you put dicks in your mouth?"
He hesitates but says, "yes."
She swiftly slaps him across the face.
"I don't want to hear a damn word about my cooking anymore then."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34bz5y/a_young_man_comes_out_as_gay_to_his_mother/
%
Guy tells his doctor "Every time I look in the mirror, I get an erection."

Doc says " That's because you look like a pussy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34bx04/guy_tells_his_doctor_every_time_i_look_in_the/
%
My friend walks round with a broken calculator...

There's just something about him that doesn't add up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34bwu8/my_friend_walks_round_with_a_broken_calculator/
%
Why do java programmers need to wear glasses?

Because they can't C#!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34bvec/why_do_java_programmers_need_to_wear_glasses/
%
Gym Joke

A guy who newly joined a gym asked the instructor which was the best machine in the gym which will make him attractive to girls.
The instructor replied,"the atm"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34boxa/gym_joke/
%
Two friends meet at a bar

Guy 1: Can you believe i just spent $3000 to cremate my mother-in-law?
Guy 2: Oh really? i only paid $500 to cremate my mother-in-law
Guy 1: Yeah but your mother-in-law was dead...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34bksg/two_friends_meet_at_a_bar/
%
I feel sorry for Bruce Jenner.

He should have never admitted that he is a Republican. Some things are just better kept in the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34bk9s/i_feel_sorry_for_bruce_jenner/
%
What's the best way to cheer on an electrician?

You con-du-it!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34bjhj/whats_the_best_way_to_cheer_on_an_electrician/
%
What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34bjh0/whats_irish_and_stays_out_all_night/
%
You're Girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She's a 10, but she's imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34bii2/youre_girlfriend_is_the_square_root_of_100/
%
This is for everyone who sends me those heart warming stories.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34bf8f/this_is_for_everyone_who_sends_me_those_heart/
%
My little brother just threw a milk carton at me..

How dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34bbfu/my_little_brother_just_threw_a_milk_carton_at_me/
%
How can you tell an auto mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34bb9r/how_can_you_tell_an_auto_mechanic_just_had_sex/
%
Study: 'Masturbation helps cure the common cold'

Hope so, I've got no tissues left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34bays/study_masturbation_helps_cure_the_common_cold/
%
40 Theoretical physicists walk into a bar

Or did they?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34b93p/40_theoretical_physicists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Jesus returns to earth with a healing touch...

So jesus comes back to earth from heaven, and states he can use his healing touch to cure anyone. A priest claims to have injured his back, and with a gentle touch, his back is cured. A monk states that he is going blind in one eye, jesus in turn heals the monk. A curious rabbi observed this, and when jesus asked if he required a healing touch, he said dont touch me motherfucker im on disablity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34b7xg/jesus_returns_to_earth_with_a_healing_touch/
%
Did you hear about the race between Cambodia and Burma?

It was a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34b73j/did_you_hear_about_the_race_between_cambodia_and/
%
How do you kill a vegetarian vampire?

With a steak to the heart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34b6de/how_do_you_kill_a_vegetarian_vampire/
%
What do you call an insect that talks under its breath?

A mumble bee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34b3yl/what_do_you_call_an_insect_that_talks_under_its/
%
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the bulb, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34b2ij/how_many_freudians_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
%
How many rioters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Don't be stupid, rioters can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34b1yi/how_many_rioters_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I decided...

I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34b1w0/i_decided/
%
The most important organ

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34azk3/the_most_important_organ/
%
New sex technique

A man and his wife are in bed and things start to heat up. After a little bit of foreplay the man suddenly stops. His wife asks "What's wrong? Is it me?" The man replies " No I learned this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34az0o/new_sex_technique/
%
Why do tigers have stripes?

They don't want to be spotted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34aq6i/why_do_tigers_have_stripes/
%
Taking home a drunk

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be
good Samaritans and take him home.
First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can
find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each
time with a real thud.  After they get to his house,
he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says,
"We brought your husband home."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34amlm/taking_home_a_drunk/
%
I have a multiple personality disorder...

And so do I.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34akau/i_have_a_multiple_personality_disorder/
%
An old man goes to the doctor...

..He says:"Doctor I have a problem. I take a shit everyday at 7am."
The doctor:"So? What's the problem?"
"Well... I wake up at 8am.."
This is a very old joke, but I still like it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ak7z/an_old_man_goes_to_the_doctor/
%
I like to kiss my girlfriends neck.

I guess I'm a neck romancer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34aez9/i_like_to_kiss_my_girlfriends_neck/
%
Topical Jokes for April

(didn't post the last batch, so here's all of the recent ones)
4/28
Los Angeles police are looking for a vandal that spraypainted a police horse. The horse didn’t get a good look at the suspect because it was dark, and because the horse has no idea that it’s a cop.
Billionaire Richard Branson is hosting a digital currency summit on his private Caribbean island.
So he’s one golden gun away from being a James Bond villain.
In Michigan, a girl with cancer was expelled from middle school because she’d had too many absences. The school’s attitude is, if you’re healthy enough to go out and get cancer treatment, you’re healthy enough to go to class.
China is cracking down on funerals that hire strippers to perform. The biggest problem with the funerals, is that too many people are showing up.
...proponents of the funeral strippers say it’s nice to see the departed get one final lapdance.
In Atlanta, Lil Wayne’s tour bus was shot multiple times. Making Lil Wayne’s tour bus another of many inanimate objects, that have more street cred than Lil Wayne.
In Nigeria, a woman divorced her husband because his penis was too big. The woman described her husband’s penis as really long, hairy, and had a foot on the end of it.
4/20
In Iowa, a man called the police to report that his bag of dog poop had been stolen. Police already have the suspect in custody, and good news, they caught him brown-handed.
In Pennsylvania, a woman told police her car accident was caused by her parrot who was drinking coffee. Police questioned the parrot, but all it said was, “Polly want a latte!”
In Texas, a Walmart employee was arrested after stealing more than $230,000 dollars from the store. If convicted, the woman could be facing a life sentence as a Walmart greeter.
In Sierra Leone, schools closed due to an Ebola outbreak have re-opened after eight months. The schools are pretty dusty, so students are busy licking every surface clean.
Documents revealed that Ben Affleck kept PBS from revealing that his ancestors owned slaves. Affleck even tried to bribe one PBS executive by offering to give him Matt Damon.
...In reality, Ben Affleck’s ancestors never owned a slave, they just borrowed their neighbor’s slave once and never returned it.
A North Korean defector says that watching “The Interview” could cause North Koreans to revolt. And that’s just to get them to turn the movie off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34acrz/topical_jokes_for_april/
%
So I found out Viagra's pharmaceutical name.

Mycoxafloppin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34aatq/so_i_found_out_viagras_pharmaceutical_name/
%
I was about to jump off of Sears building...

(But) I stopped. I suddenly realized I had so much *potential*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34a7el/i_was_about_to_jump_off_of_sears_building/
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I'll have you know I did four years in Nam.

Turns out pedophilia is illegal there too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34a6l2/ill_have_you_know_i_did_four_years_in_nam/
%
Incognito mode on google chrome is useless..

Everyone in the library can still see me wanking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34a3lz/incognito_mode_on_google_chrome_is_useless/
%
Why did Blitzkrieg work so well in France?

Because lightning always follows the path of least resistance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34a3g8/why_did_blitzkrieg_work_so_well_in_france/
%
An elderly couple was sitting together in church...

The wife leans over to the husband and says "I just let out a really long and silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34a0ro/an_elderly_couple_was_sitting_together_in_church/
%
I have decided to run a marathon and have taken up vaping instead of smoking

You could say I am running on fumes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/349y01/i_have_decided_to_run_a_marathon_and_have_taken/
%
Threesome? No thanks

If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/349xpv/threesome_no_thanks/
%
Next Battlefield map set in Nepal.

It's made using groundbreaking technology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/349wk0/next_battlefield_map_set_in_nepal/
%
Back in the days before radar...

... a large American naval vessel was cutting through a dark, foggy night. Suddenly, through the darkness, was a set of lights hurtling towards them. The captain tells his signalman to communicate to them: “Veer off.”
A moment later, they get a reply back: “You veer off.”
Indignant and furious, the captain tells his signalman to send out: “Veer off you idiot, this is an American battleship about to hit you.”
The reply comes back: “At least think about it, this is a Nova Scotian lighthouse about to hit you.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/349vvg/back_in_the_days_before_radar/
%
Irish Joke

O'Grady came home from work one day to find his wife standing naked in their bedroom admiring herself in a full length mirror.
"What the hell are you doing woman?" he demanded.
"I went to the doctor today and while he was performing my physical he said I had a beautiful body," she replied.
"Oh really?" he asked indignantly.  "Did he say anything about your fat Irish ass?"
"Why no dear," she said sweetly.  "He didn't mention you at all."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/349s52/irish_joke/
%
I get pretty horny when someone disses me over the Internet.

I always get e-rekt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/349jpo/i_get_pretty_horny_when_someone_disses_me_over/
%
I have been having a lot more threesomes as of late.

Ever since my wife got pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/349j8t/i_have_been_having_a_lot_more_threesomes_as_of/
%
I think it is wrong that the Bali 9 get a one minute silence

I mean, they already got a 21 gun salute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/349j0m/i_think_it_is_wrong_that_the_bali_9_get_a_one/
%
If smiling is contagious...

...then Russian Women must have a vaccine or built an immunity or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/349is7/if_smiling_is_contagious/
%
The teacher told the kid to ask his dad about the government.

Kid goes home and asks his dad -
"What is the government?"
The dad replied -
"Suppose I am the president, your mother is the congress, the maid is the workforce and your younger brother is the future"
and then, he leaves the room. Later at night, the kid heard his younger brother screaming. He wakes up to check out his brother and saw that his brother has shitted on his pants. The kid immediately runs up to his parents bedroom and through the keyhole, he saw that his mother was asleep and his dad was not in the room, he goes to call the maid and saw that his dad was screwing the maid and then he said -
"Oh, now I get it! The president is screwing the workforce, the congress is asleep and the future is full of shit"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/349hr4/the_teacher_told_the_kid_to_ask_his_dad_about_the/
%
I had a joke about the Baltimore Riots

But someones already stolen it :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/349c2l/i_had_a_joke_about_the_baltimore_riots/
%
Old man's wife has hearing problems

An old man goes to his doctor.
Old man: Hey Doc, my wife's hearing is becoming terrible, is there anything you can give me to help her out?
Doc: Well, how bad is it?
Old Man: We rarely talk any more, Doc, and I love her more than anything.
Doc: Try the distance test. When you get home, Call her name and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and closer until she does. This will give me a good sense of how bad her hearing actually is.
Old Man: Okay, thanks Doc. See you soon.
So, the Old Man goes home, opens his front door and shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
He walks through his hall and once more shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
He walks to the door to his kitchen and sees his dearest wife over the oven cooking dinner. "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
Frustrated, the Old Man walks right up to his wife and shouts in her ear "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!".
"FOR THE FOURTH TIME, CHICKEN!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/349bg5/old_mans_wife_has_hearing_problems/
%
Get rich quick scheme #12

Sell windows/glass in Baltimore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3499du/get_rich_quick_scheme_12/
%
Lucky Driver

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3498tb/lucky_driver/
%
My Mother in Law fell down a wishing well

I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3496bc/my_mother_in_law_fell_down_a_wishing_well/
%
Why did Scottish baby sneeze?

It got week old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3495y6/why_did_scottish_baby_sneeze/
%
What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?

Gee, you knit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3494xv/what_did_50_cent_say_to_his_grandma_when_she_gave/
%
It takes 10,000 hours to be really good at something.

It's really easy being poor now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3493wb/it_takes_10000_hours_to_be_really_good_at/
%
Did you hear the joke about your mother's cooking?

It's in bad taste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3492v2/did_you_hear_the_joke_about_your_mothers_cooking/
%
What do you give someone who is about to tear up?

Tape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/348yyf/what_do_you_give_someone_who_is_about_to_tear_up/
%
Why can't the motorcycle get up on its own?

It's two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/348vlj/why_cant_the_motorcycle_get_up_on_its_own/
%
How do you describe a Swede, who's not really a Swede?

Swed-ish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/348va2/how_do_you_describe_a_swede_whos_not_really_a/
%
What's the Difference?

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.
"Owch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says.
"But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.
Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says.
"But that was an iceberg!"
"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/348smr/whats_the_difference/
%
I used to steal punchlines from others

I still do, but I used to, too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/348s1s/i_used_to_steal_punchlines_from_others/
%
I've been trying to stop making that's-what-she-said jokes

But it's so hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/348q0i/ive_been_trying_to_stop_making_thatswhatshesaid/
%
Why are Jews noses so big?

Because air is free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/348oum/why_are_jews_noses_so_big/
%
How Many People Do the Police Have to Kill to Start a Riot?

3/5ths

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/348ks6/how_many_people_do_the_police_have_to_kill_to/
%
What do you get when you cross worms with elephants?

Big holes in your garden

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/348hk6/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_worms_with/
%
If i cut off my right butt cheek

will i be left behind?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/348gob/if_i_cut_off_my_right_butt_cheek/
%
I've been dying to see Age of Ultron

But then I just googled "How old is Ultron" and found out he's 47. Saved me $10.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/348bzi/ive_been_dying_to_see_age_of_ultron/
%
Why do orphans like tennis?

Only place they can get love

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3488f2/why_do_orphans_like_tennis/
%
You can reuse a condom...

you just need to shake the fuck out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3486ue/you_can_reuse_a_condom/
%
What do my dad and God have in common?

I've never seen or heard from either of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3484o8/what_do_my_dad_and_god_have_in_common/
%
Doctor starts writing up a note when the nurse walks in and says, "Doctor, you can't write anything with a thermometer..."

Doctor looks down and shakes his head.
"Looks like some asshole has my pen again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3483l1/doctor_starts_writing_up_a_note_when_the_nurse/
%
What does an epileptic vegetarian eat?

Seizure Salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34825w/what_does_an_epileptic_vegetarian_eat/
%
How do you know if your best friend is gay?

If his dick tastes like shit!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/347xgp/how_do_you_know_if_your_best_friend_is_gay/
%
The Free Drinks

Jerry was walking home from work in a bustling city, when he stumbled upon a man who was giving out coupons for a free drink at an enormous penthouse. This monstrous building had 100 floors, and no elevator, but Jerry was determined to go get himself a free drink.
After the first ten flights of stairs, he began to pant, and walked more slowly. When he reached the 27th flight, he tripped and bruised his chin. Nevertheless, he continued upwards. He climbed and climbed and climbed and climbed. When he reached the 60th flight, he couldn't take it anymore, so he whipped out a cigarette for a quick smoke break. After feeling a bit more rested, he continued up the seemingly never-ending stairway. Finally, he reached the 90th floor! Jerry told himself that he was almost there, and continued up the stairs slowly but surely. After an hour, he had finally reached the top of the stairs!
Jerry glanced into the penthouse, and saw that it was filled with people, all collecting their free drinks. There were massive crowds waiting for Coke, Fanta, wine, beer, any dozens of other drinks, but he looked and he looked, but there was no punchline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/347x12/the_free_drinks/
%
What do you call unborn twins?

Wombmates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/347rwq/what_do_you_call_unborn_twins/
%
Did you hear the latest joke about Baltimore?

It's a riot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/347lfk/did_you_hear_the_latest_joke_about_baltimore/
%
What's the difference between America and a yogurt?

After 200 years a yogurt will develop a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/347fvn/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_a_yogurt/
%
How many black people does it take to start a riot?

-1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/347eyk/how_many_black_people_does_it_take_to_start_a_riot/
%
My teacher called me a procrastinator today.

But I'd say I'm more of an amateurcrastinator considering none of my endorsement checks have come in yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/347d1f/my_teacher_called_me_a_procrastinator_today/
%
Baltimore, eat a snickers.

You turn into Ferguson when you're hungry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/347byp/baltimore_eat_a_snickers/
%
I got gas today for $1.09!

Too bad it was from Taco Bell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34782t/i_got_gas_today_for_109/
%
What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to?

Dishcipline
This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3475fj/what_do_you_need_to_have_to_do_the_dishes_when/
%
Why do cows need four legs to walk?

Because they lactose.
Moo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34725b/why_do_cows_need_four_legs_to_walk/
%
A radical tumblr feminist goes to see a shrink

The psychologist says "I'm going to show you some ink blots and you tell me the first image that pops into your minds."
He shows her the first one and she says "That's rape."
He shows her the second one and she says "Wow, that one's also rape."
Slightly taken aback, he shows her the third ink blot, and she yells "Is this some kind of sick joke? Why do you keep showing me pictures of rape?"
He says "Wow, you actually see depictions of rape in all of these?"
To which she replies "Typical rape apologist. You think it's not rape just because they're black women?"
This joke is a shameless ripoff of [this comment](http://www.reddit.com/r/TumblrInAction/comments/345srk/new_logo_rape_culture/cqrk2f8) by /u/SiGTecan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/347128/a_radical_tumblr_feminist_goes_to_see_a_shrink/
%
How did Stevie Wonder meet his wife?

On a blind date

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/346zaa/how_did_stevie_wonder_meet_his_wife/
%
Why do Native Americans hate it when it rains in April?

Because it brings Mayflowers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/346yvz/why_do_native_americans_hate_it_when_it_rains_in/
%
What's an Alzheimer patient's favorite horror movie?

The Blair...Which project?
[Made my roomie laugh at least]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/346w9z/whats_an_alzheimer_patients_favorite_horror_movie/
%
Death sentance.

A train conductor carrying millions of dollars of raw materials across the United States falls asleep on the job. Missing a crucial interchange, he runs the trains of the tracks and destroys all the cargo, wrecks the train, and kills four people in the process.
After months of trials, lawsuits, and court dates, he receives a death row sentence.
────────
Months pass and finally the week of his execution arises. With three days left to live, an Holding Officer comes to his cell and walks him through the process that will occur in the upcoming days.
Tonight you will receive 1 of your last 3 meals. You may ask for whatever food you like and we will accommodate to the best of our abilities. On the third day, before your last meal, the chaplain will come in to give you your final blessing if you desire. You will eat. Then I will come take you to the chair.
The Holding Officer leaves a notepad and pen for the man to write down his meals...
One the first day, he is brought a banana and a glass of water per his request. The office leaves a tray with the items at the foot of his cell, but gives the man a perplexed look before leaving.
The man eats the banana and drinks the water, but takes the peal and stores it under his mattress.
The second day comes and once again the office brings his order, this time with two bananas instead of one. Before leaving though, he stops to ask the man of his odd requests.
You can have any food your heart desires, and yet yesterday all you ask for was a banana, and today the same thing?? Would you not prefer a seasoned steak, or gourmet pizza? Or maybe a fancy desert like a crème brûlée??
The man thought for a moment before speaking. Without looking up from the tray of food, and barely above a murmor, spoke gently to the officer, If it concerns you that much to mention it, perhaps you could add an item to my order tomorrow
The officer's ears perked up in anticipation of the request.
I'd like an ice cream cone added to my order tomorrow. With chocolate sprinkles on top, NOT multi-colored.
The officer's look of intrigue disappeared off his face, but he acknowledged the mans' request and said he would make it so.
The third day arrives. The man sitting cross-legged in the middle of the cell waits for the officer to arrive. In one corner of his cell sits an untouched cup of water from the previous day, under his mattress two banana peels rest, with the third lodged between his thighs.
Officer shows up. Sets down the tray, proud of himself for having found chocolate sprinkles despite the kitchen's only confetti colored ones, and informs the man he'll be back in half an hour to take him to his end.
For his last meal he eats the entire banana. Peel and all. He drinks the cup of water but not the one on his tray. Taking it from the corner of the room, he pours the entire cup into his throat with his held tilted back. In one swallow it's gone.
Next, he takes the new cup of water. Individually, he sticks every single one of his fingers into the cup. With wet tips, he runs his hands through his hair for several minutes. Repeating this process until all the water in the cup is gone.
At last, he reaches his single scoop of ice cream. Chocolate sprinkles, just like he asked. A small smile crosses his face.
Then, with the grace and precision of a watch maker, he picks off every one. Every. Single. Sprinkle.
By the time all the sprinkles are removed, and stashed secretly into the banana peels under the mattress, his clock reads 2-minutes till showtime.
With his last remaining minutes he enjoys his ice cream.
────────
The helmet is strapped.
The belts are tied tight.
The man's moment of judgement has finally come.
The officer does the inspection himself, insuring everything is in order. A medic stands by ready to flip the switch. In a matter of seconds, hundreds of thousands of volts will be passing through the man's body, ending his sinful life.
The officer places his right hand on the switch. His touch lighter for some reason than all the times in the past. He asks if the man has any last words.
But the man says nothing. Instead, he shakes his head from side to side, with eyebrows raised in a show of complacency. His thighs however, squeeze tight to the banana peel between his legs.
The Officer lets out a sigh, and begins his count.
3.
2.
1.
The switch is flipped. The lights flicker. And a loud buzz is heard.
But nothing happens.
Now in the state where they reside, if any attempt past two does not successfully end a prisoner's life, he is returned to his cell and given a new term of life sentence over execution.
Full well knowing this is the case, the officer goes to check his connections. Every thing seems in order.
He returns to the switch
3.
2.
1.
The switch is flipped. The lights flicker. And a loud buzz is heard.
Still nothing.
Now a man in a suit has entered the room. He whispers something to the medic. The officer double and triple checks all the connections.
The man sits calmly. A content look rests upon his face.
The final attempt. Tensions high in the room. Everyone's breath is held.
3.
2.
1.
The switch is flipped. The lights flicker. And a loud buzz is heard.
Nothing.
Perplexed. The officer run his hand through his hair. He looks at the man sitting in the death chair, unharmed. Now a giant smile radiates from ear to ear.
The officer shouts out the man
I DON'T UNDERSTAND! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!? HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD
The man smile fades, he raises one eyebrow, shrugs and mutters--
I don't know. I guess I'm a bad conductor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/346u0o/death_sentance/
%
A mortician died in a small town

He showed up to work late

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/346sn9/a_mortician_died_in_a_small_town/
%
A guy walks into a bar. . .

. . .And asks for a shot of vodka.  The bartender tells him "You should come back here tomorrow we have a contest going on.  Drink the most shots of vodka in 2 minutes and you win free shots for a year."
So the guy comes the next night and destroys the competition.  Does 25 shots in two minutes.  He stumbles out victorious and no one sees him for a few weeks.  When he eventually comes back the bartender says to him "Hey champ, want a shot?"
The guy goes a little green around the gills.  "No thanks, last time I blew chunks."
The bartender responds.  "Hell man most of the guys blew chunks after 5 or 6 shots."
The guy just puts his head down and says.  "You don't get it Chunks is my dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/346mxr/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items,

the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/346jyr/a_friend_went_to_the_cvs_in_baltimore_after_the/
%
Mickey Mouse is talking to his divorce lawyer

Lawyer: So, you say the reason you are divorcing Minnie Mouse is because she is crazy, right?
Mickey: No, I said I am divorcing her because she is fucking Goofy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/346j0g/mickey_mouse_is_talking_to_his_divorce_lawyer/
%
What is wrong with a turtle who can't come out of his shell?

Ereptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/346fqh/what_is_wrong_with_a_turtle_who_cant_come_out_of/
%
My girlfriend was surprised and happy when I handed her my wallet before she went out with her girlfriends for her birthday. The look on her face soured however when she held the gooey cash in her hands.

I think she misunderstood me when I said I recently came into some money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/346fn5/my_girlfriend_was_surprised_and_happy_when_i/
%
Why did the nazi work in the animal hospital after the war?

He was a veteran Aryan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/346fgx/why_did_the_nazi_work_in_the_animal_hospital/
%
I enjoy rating countries on a 0-10 scale

I give Nepal a solid 7.8. The score is so high, it's ground breaking

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/346a31/i_enjoy_rating_countries_on_a_010_scale/
%
Don't have phone sex!

You might get hearing aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3469zf/dont_have_phone_sex/
%
A blind guy walks into a bar...

And into a table.. and a chair...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3466s5/a_blind_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
They say to wait a few months before throwing down $1000+ on something, to see if you still want it.

Unfortunately, my land lord doesn't seem to agree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3464s5/they_say_to_wait_a_few_months_before_throwing/
%
Dear Diary

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt .. who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/345zsn/dear_diary/
%
When I was a kid, I knocked out the power in my house.

Mom said it was just a phase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/345uxn/when_i_was_a_kid_i_knocked_out_the_power_in_my/
%
What would George Washington do if he were alive right now?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/345uh1/what_would_george_washington_do_if_he_were_alive/
%
Overheard a phone conversation today

**Father** - "What has a small dick and hangs down?
**Son** - "What?"
**Father** - "A bat. What has a big dick and hangs up?"
**Son** - "What?"
"click"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/345tn3/overheard_a_phone_conversation_today/
%
Three scientific studies about the penis

There were three scientific studies conducted to determine why the head of the penis has a greater circumference than the shaft.
The first study spent $10 thousand and determined that it was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
The second study spent $100 thousand and determined that it was to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
The third study spent $10 and determined that it was so your hand doesn't fly off and hit yourself in the face when you jerk off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/345mzn/three_scientific_studies_about_the_penis/
%
The Vagrants

Five men were brought in front of a judge on charges of vagrancy, public indecency and solicitation. They insisted, however, that they were just looking for work.
"What do you do?", the judge asked the first man.
“I’m a cork soaker.”
The judge blinked. “Pardon?”
“I’m a cork soaker. I worked at a wine bottling plant, soaking corks in water and making sure they fit the wine bottles perfectly when we sealed them up.”
“Okay, what about you?”, the judge asked the second man.
“I’m a cook seeker.”
The judge rubbed his eyes wearily. “What?”
“A cook seeker, your honor. I recruit and head-hunt chefs at all levels for restaurants across the country.”
“And you?”, the judge asked the third man.
“I’m a coke sacker, your honor.”
The judge tugs at the collar of his robes nervously. “Say that again?”
“I take raw coke from the coal mines and put them in sacks, your honor.”
“And what do you do?”, asked the judge of the fourth man.
“I’m a sock tucker… Before socks are put in boxes at the factory, I tuck them into themselves so that they fit properly.”
Red in the face, the judge asks the fifth man, “And what is it you do?”
Smiling proudly, the last man says, “I’m the real deal, your honor.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/345mgg/the_vagrants/
%
I won a fight that was five against one in Baltimore today.

We totally kicked the shit out of that guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/345l8j/i_won_a_fight_that_was_five_against_one_in/
%
What's easier to pick up the heavier they get?

Women

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/345g0r/whats_easier_to_pick_up_the_heavier_they_get/
%
What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?

Before the First Period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/345al8/whats_a_pedophiles_favorite_part_of_a_hockey_game/
%
My wife just accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/345afi/my_wife_just_accused_me_of_being_a_transvestite/
%
Why can't you trust a Lithium Ion battery?

Because they're always Li-ion!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/345865/why_cant_you_trust_a_lithium_ion_battery/
%
What's the difference between a hippy and a hockey player?

The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3456va/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippy_and_a_hockey/
%
What happens when you get a lot of electroshocks within a short period of time?

It hertz.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3456k0/what_happens_when_you_get_a_lot_of_electroshocks/
%
My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34567n/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/
%
Thought of a Chuck Norris joke today.

This user no longer exists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3455o0/thought_of_a_chuck_norris_joke_today/
%
What does a Canadian get by mixing black and white?

Greh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34551i/what_does_a_canadian_get_by_mixing_black_and_white/
%
What's the difference between an ISIS training camp and a school?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3453ce/whats_the_difference_between_an_isis_training/
%
I love my kids like I love my flour...

Self-raising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3452ox/i_love_my_kids_like_i_love_my_flour/
%
Why wont Apple ever make a car?

Because it can't have windows in it!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/344xsx/why_wont_apple_ever_make_a_car/
%
Have you heard about the rioting in Baltimore?

So far they've caused 4 million dollars in improvements.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/344x9z/have_you_heard_about_the_rioting_in_baltimore/
%
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?

Its pasture bedtime

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/344wwc/what_did_the_mama_cow_say_to_the_baby_cow/
%
how did the boy get to high school?

with a ladder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/344vod/how_did_the_boy_get_to_high_school/
%
I started a fertilizer store but but got sued by Apple Inc.

They patented selling overpriced shit for fruits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/344v6l/i_started_a_fertilizer_store_but_but_got_sued_by/
%
Robin Hood went to see a doctor...

...he was diagnosed with Menintightis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/344sue/robin_hood_went_to_see_a_doctor/
%
My wife said to me that she wished I wouldn't drop the F-bomb in front of the kids.

What the fuck is the F-bomb?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/344sis/my_wife_said_to_me_that_she_wished_i_wouldnt_drop/
%
Horse's dick

Horse & chicken were best friends. One day, horse fell into a hole. Chicken called a farmer who used his Audi Q7 Quattro to pull out the horse, horse became very happy & thought someday he will return the favour.
Then one day the chicken fell into the hole. The horse lowered his dick & pulled the chicken out.. Chicken was damn impressed..
Moral of the story-
If u have a horse's dick, u don't need an Audi to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/344roi/horses_dick/
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BREAKING - The Russian Navy has released a statement after accidentally sinking one of it's own submarines

Oops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/344pme/breaking_the_russian_navy_has_released_a/
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Thanks God, we dint gift watermelon!!

Once, there was Birthday Party of king and invited all the villagers for the celebration but condition was villager should bring a gift.
Two best friend were excited to join but dint had money to buy gifts.
Friend 1: let's gift watermelon.
Friend 2: No, it will be expensive let's give lemon.
They decided to gift lemon and when to Birthday Party.
Both friends gave lemon to the king. This made king angry. He ordered soldiers to torture them put that lemon in their Ass and throw them out.
Soldiers followed and poor friends were lying outside the castle beaten up.
Friend 2: Thank God, we dint gift watermelon!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/344p1m/thanks_god_we_dint_gift_watermelon/
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"Before I come to a decision on these divorce proceedings, does anyone wish to speak?" asked the Judge.

The lawyer for the husband stood up and replied, "M'lud, may I just bring to your attention, once again, that what my client did was out of chivalry. Since when was it wrong to open a door for a lady?"
"I'm not disputing a chivalrous act," replied the Judge, "but I think you're overlooking the fact that the car was travelling at 70 mph at the time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/344ovm/before_i_come_to_a_decision_on_these_divorce/
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Little known historical fact:

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chests because it was a popular belief that there would be countless waterslides in the afterlife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/344kr0/little_known_historical_fact/
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I'm afraid to be around unarmed black men.

What if the police miss and shoot me by mistake?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/344dab/im_afraid_to_be_around_unarmed_black_men/
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How many Vietnam vets does it take the screw in a light bulb?

THAT'S RIGHT!!! YOU DON'T KNOW; BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3448k1/how_many_vietnam_vets_does_it_take_the_screw_in_a/
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There were once some monks who decided to raise money by opening a flower shop

There was once an order of monks that needed to raise some money. They figured that the best way to do this was by opening a flower shop and selling flowers.
Now, these monks sold their flowers really cheap, and everyone liked the idea of buying flowers from men of God, so much so that all the other florists slowly lost all their business.
Realizing their predicament, the florists banded to figure out how to remove these monks. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best kneecapper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastary. Cowed, the monks caved to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3443vd/there_were_once_some_monks_who_decided_to_raise/
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Sex is like math

These days I'm doing it all by hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343yxa/sex_is_like_math/
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Hunting in the rain

A man and his wife plan to go hunting on Saturday but it ends up raining that day.
"I'm not going hunting in the rain!", the wife says.
The husband says, "You're going hunting in the rain, or I'm fucking you in the ass or you're sucking my cock! Now make up you're mind, I'm gonna go get the dogs ready."
The husband comes back inside and his wife tells him, "I'm not going hunting in the rain, and you're sure as hell not fucking me in the ass, so I'll suck your dick.".
She starts blowing him but spits out in disgust and says, "Ack! It tastes like shit!".
The husband says, "Yeah the dogs didn't want to go either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343xxl/hunting_in_the_rain/
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BLIND PILOTS

An airliner is fully boarded and ready to push-off from the gate, when two blind pilots enter the main cabin. The pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343w58/blind_pilots/
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Why do we need iron in our diets?

Because it's good ferrous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343pwc/why_do_we_need_iron_in_our_diets/
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I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore.

The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343nz1/i_got_jumped_by_five_black_guys_in_baltimore/
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A woman sees a bunch of children playing on their phones in a sandbox while their teacher is sleeping on a bench. She runs to the teacher.

The woman tries to wake up the teacher.
"Hey, get up! Your children are going to run away!"
The teacher groans and says,
"No, they don't get free Wi-Fi anywhere else."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343mpt/a_woman_sees_a_bunch_of_children_playing_on_their/
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Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather.

He won't be able to read it anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343m0e/say_what_you_want_about_floyd_mayweather/
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A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343lqj/a_woman_accompanies_her_husband_to_the_doctors/
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I hate people with club feet...

I'm lack toes intolerant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343km9/i_hate_people_with_club_feet/
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My body looks as if it were chiseled from marble

I'm not muscular whatsoever I'm just really white.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343iz3/my_body_looks_as_if_it_were_chiseled_from_marble/
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What did the guy with 5 penises say?

"These pants fit like a glove"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343hf8/what_did_the_guy_with_5_penises_say/
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Top Gear was twelve years old...

That's one of the oldest things that the BBC staff have fucked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343fxf/top_gear_was_twelve_years_old/
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Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343f0r/doctor_nurse_how_is_that_little_girl_doing_who/
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3 Bikers at a Bar

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word.
His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343ezp/3_bikers_at_a_bar/
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I sustained a serious neck injury a few years ago...

...and I've never looked back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343eax/i_sustained_a_serious_neck_injury_a_few_years_ago/
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I called the urologist's office for an appointment for erectile dysfunction. The girl on the phone checked the calendar and said, "alright, let's see if we can get you in.."

I said, "exactly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343dhv/i_called_the_urologists_office_for_an_appointment/
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David Copperfield's fed up of performing the old trap-door trick...

It's just a stage he's going through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343csh/david_copperfields_fed_up_of_performing_the_old/
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the explanation of just about every jewish holiday

they tried to kill us
they failed
lets eat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343amp/the_explanation_of_just_about_every_jewish_holiday/
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What do Romans use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3433si/what_do_romans_use_to_cut_their_pizza/
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Italian spy joke

A German spy, Italian spy, and Russian spy are all caught while on duty and are going to be interrogated. They are being held in a prison cell with no windows and barely any food. The German spy goes first. He is sat down in a chair with his hands tied. He resists being tortured for 2 hours, before he finally is broken and gives up who he is working for. When he goes back to the cell, the other spies are impressed with how long he lasted. The Russian spy goes next. He is vigorously tortured for 12 hours, until he finally is broken and gives up who he is working for. When he is sent back to his cell, the other spies wonder how he lasted for so long. Then the Italian spy is sent to the interrogation room. He is tied down and tortured for, an hour, 2 hours, 4 hours, 12 hours, a day, after 4 days of torture, he still had not given up who he was working for. He is sent back to his cell. The German and the Russian are baffled at how he managed to survive 4 days of torture and not give up any info. When they asked him how he did it, he said, "I tried to talk, but I could not move my hands."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3433p0/italian_spy_joke/
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Rioters are destroying Baltimore.

Don't worry though, all the bookstores are safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/342t4k/rioters_are_destroying_baltimore/
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So one sperms says to the other sperm.. NSFW

"How long til we get to the ovaries?"
.
The other sperm replies,
"hopefully soon, we just passed the tonsils"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/342qph/so_one_sperms_says_to_the_other_sperm_nsfw/
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Horny sailors

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting drunk when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty horny.  With all the jacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship.  I don't know what to do!"
The other captain smiles knowingly.  "Ah, I have a solution for that!  You take the crew and divide them into two teams.  Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship.  You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."
"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"
"Aha," replied the other captain.  "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles.  You make a tidy profit every time."
The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea.  Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.
When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit.  "This is great," thought the captain, "before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!"
This went on, voyage after voyage.  Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port.  Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the marshal waiting for him.  As he slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?"
"You sick bastard," replied the marshal.  "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"
"Sure," said the captain.  "What about 'em?!"
"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/342k5e/horny_sailors/
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Make sure you always tip the people who make your pizza...

They knead the dough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/342j88/make_sure_you_always_tip_the_people_who_make_your/
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Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Mike rolled around in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Mike took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a sexy joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/342gag/wanna_hear_a_dirty_joke/
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Two TV antennas got married last weekend.

The wedding was nothing special, but the reception was excellent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/342fqj/two_tv_antennas_got_married_last_weekend/
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Trip to the aquarium joke

The other week I was in the aquarium having a whale of a time (pardon the pun). I saw sea horses, sharks, turtles, the whole shebang. But I couldn't wait to get to my favourite creature. I don't know why but I've always been fascinated by eels. I did a project on them in primary school and since then they've just stuck with me. I can name every single breed of them without even trying.
So I get to the eel section which is crowded beyond belief. I mean I love eels but most people just kind of glance at them on the way to the stingrays. Today there were so many people there I couldn't even see the tank. I managed to push myself to the front, accidentally shoving a toddler, and saw what all the fuss was about.
There they were, all swimming about, hidingin crevices, doing what eels do best. Except one. I couldn't actually believe it but right in the middle of the tank there was an eel. Biggest eel in there. And it was singing. Clear as day it was singing. I don't know how we were all hearing it through the glass and the water but we could see its mouth moving perfectly with the words. It even hummed some of the music at one point so I know it wasn't a trick. It only sang the one song though, this old love song that I can't remember the name of. It's really popular though,used in loads of movies, especially ones about Italy.
I couldn't believe it, I'd never seen an eel do this before. I knew so much about eels and yet I'd never heard of this kind before. I managed to spot an employee on the other side of the room and struggled my way over. I somehow got his attention over the noise of all the people and the singing eel.
"How the hell does an eel know that song? How is it able to sing? What kind of eel is it?" And he turned to me and went "oh that's a moray"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/342d8e/trip_to_the_aquarium_joke/
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People got tired of my lactation joke

I kept milking it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/342brm/people_got_tired_of_my_lactation_joke/
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I got home from the pub last night and my wife said..

"I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
She said, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm fucking not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fucking drunk."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3429w1/i_got_home_from_the_pub_last_night_and_my_wife/
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My girlfriend hates my cheesy jokes

They really grate on her

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3425q2/my_girlfriend_hates_my_cheesy_jokes/
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A man is using the bathroom...

A man is in a public bathroom when a very small man with a green jacket and orange hair walks in. The man is very surprised at how the small man looks and asks:
"Are you a leprechaun?"
The small man replies:
"Why yes! I am a leprechaun. And because you guessed so, I will grant you three wishes."
The guy says:
"Ok. I wish I had a Ferrari."
"Granted."
"I wish I had a smokin' hot wife."
"Granted."
Then the man says:
"I wish I had a bigger dick."
The leprechaun says:
"Well, in order to grant that wish, you need to have butt sex with me first."
The man thinks about it for a bit. After he considers it, he says:
"Well, if Im going to get a bigger dick, I guess its worth it."
So the man bends over and lets the leprechaun screw him. After he's finished, the man says:
"I cant believe I just had butt sex!"
The leprechaun replies:
"I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3421zf/a_man_is_using_the_bathroom/
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The best part about Ray Lewis being on ESPN is..

I can hear a guy with six kids by four different women lecture me about commitment & dedication.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341zvl/the_best_part_about_ray_lewis_being_on_espn_is/
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What do you call a hippy's wife?

Mississippi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341zgo/what_do_you_call_a_hippys_wife/
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What's a Web Developer's favourite tea?

URL #DDD

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341za8/whats_a_web_developers_favourite_tea/
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How do you feel if subjected to temperatures of absolute zero?

0K

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341yh3/how_do_you_feel_if_subjected_to_temperatures_of/
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Blonde finds that her house has been burglarized...

A blonde woman returns from work to see that her house has been ransacked and burglarized. She telephones the police straight away and reports the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasts the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, is the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approaches the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde runs out on the porch, but then after seeing the cop and his dog, stops and sits down on the steps. She puts her face in her hands and she moans, "I come home from work to find that my house was broken into. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341y4k/blonde_finds_that_her_house_has_been_burglarized/
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Which sex position produces the ugliest kids?

Ask your parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341v2i/which_sex_position_produces_the_ugliest_kids/
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Birth Control

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
Paddy said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Hull, Workington, Grimsby, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Scotland.
(The local references came with the joke. Sorry.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341tuu/birth_control/
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A farmer finds a shoebox under his wife's side of the bed

The box contained two ears of corn and $4000.   He went to his wife
Farmer: What's this?
Wife: I have a confession to make.  Whenever I cheated on you I put an ear of corn in the box.
The farmer gasps, then thinks "50 years of marriage...only twice..that's not too awful.
Farmer: What about the $4000?
Wife: Whenever I got a bushel I sold it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341oko/a_farmer_finds_a_shoebox_under_his_wifes_side_of/
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A nun goes golfing...

*[I was playing a round of golf the other day with a fellow who asked me if I knew any golf jokes.  When I replied that I did not, he said you should always have a golf joke or two in your repertoire.  I asked him for a joke then, and he told me this one.  I now have one in my repertoire, and so will you.]*
A nun takes a day off from the convent and goes to play a round of golf.  She returns later and goes up to the Mother Superior and asks for a confession.
"What do you need to confess?" the MS asks.
"Mother, I have sinned by repeatedly cursing and taking the Lord's name in vain," the nun replied.
So the MS says, "Tell me what happened."
"Well," the nun begins, "I was playing 18 holes of golf and was doing rather well.  I was on the final hole and teed off.  The shot was perfect and flew right towards the green, but as it approached, a gust of wind came out of nowhere and caused a tree limb to bend down and stop the ball."
"Ah yes," the MS says, nodding sagely, "I can see how that would cause you to sin in such a way."
The nun shook her head.  "No Mother, that didn't cause me to curse; it was what happened next.  As the ball was falling, a bird swooped in and the ball bounced off its back and landed several feet away from the green."
"Why would that cause you to curse and take the Lord's name in vain, sister?"
"It didn't," the nun replied, "It was what happened next.  As the ball came to rest near the green, a small rabbit dashed out of the grass and grabbed my ball in its mouth and dropped it a foot away from the hole."
"My word!" the MS gasped.  "Now that certainly did not cause you to curse!"
"No, Mother," the nun said quietly and hung her head in shame.  "It was what happened next."
"Ah.  You missed the fuckin' putt."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341nj3/a_nun_goes_golfing/
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't be silly, feminists can't change anything!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341mu8/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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A Chinese shop owner

Tourist: What's your name?
Shop Owner: Moshe Dayan
Tourist: But you don't look Jewish. You look Chinese.
Shop Owner: Yes, you're right.
Tourist: Then how did you ever get a name like Moshe Dayan?
Shop Owner: It's like this. Years ago, when i came to America, I was standing in line at the immigration documentation centre. The man in front of me was a Jewish man from Germany. The lady at the counter looked at him and said, "What is your name?" He said, "Moshe Dayan." Then she looked at me and said, "What is your name?" I said, " Sam Ting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341kwo/a_chinese_shop_owner/
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I was at this bar once..

and the bartenders were identical twins. The only way to tell them apart was that one of the brothers had a freakishly small head. After talking for a while I finally asked him what was up with is appearance. He looks around, lowers his voice and says "once I was walking down a beach and found a lamp in the sand, I rubbed it and I'll be damned if a smoking hot genie didn't shoot up out of the lamp. The genie offers me one wish, the only thing off-limits is that she would not sleep with me, so I asked for a little head"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341hy8/i_was_at_this_bar_once/
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Was walking by a mental hospital when.....

I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 6, 6, 6, 6. My curiosity got the better of me thinking I was about to witness some sort of satanic ritual, so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration and applause from inside, I then heard the people start chanting 7, 7, 7, 7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341h2v/was_walking_by_a_mental_hospital_when/
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My house-mate is terrified of negative numbers

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341dpq/my_housemate_is_terrified_of_negative_numbers/
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High joke

A cop stops a man and asks "how high are you?"
The man replies." That is wrong english. You should say 'Hi how are you?'"😂

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341atj/high_joke/
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Trivia: If you stood every single Starbucks employee around the equator...

I would totally steal a white chocolate and raspberry muffin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341ajf/trivia_if_you_stood_every_single_starbucks/
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I'm making a documentary...

I'm making a controversial documentary that reveals decades of covered-up sexual misconduct in youth tennis programs across the country. It's called *15 - Love*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3418st/im_making_a_documentary/
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Three mice go to heaven...

Three mice go to Heaven and meet St. Peter at the gate.  St. Peter says, "Since you are God's precious creatures, I am authorized to give each of you a wish."  One mouse speaks up for the group and says, "All our lives we lived in this building with hardwood floors and were chased all day by this mean cat.  We would love it if we could each have a set of roller skates."  So St. Peter says, "So it shall be," and each of the mice was let into Heaven with its own set of roller skates.
Then a cat dies and goes to Heaven, and St. Peter again says, "You are God's precious creation, and before you enter I grant you one wish."  The cat replies, "Well, I lived in a building with these hardwood floors which were very uncomfortable to sleep on.  Could I have a nice big satin pillow?"  "So it shall be," St. Peter says, and lets the cat into Heaven with his new pillow.
A week later, Jesus visits the cat.  "And how are you enjoying the Heavenly kingdom?" he asks.  The cat replies, "Oh, it is wonderful!  This mansion is beautiful, my room is immaculate, this pillow is beyond luxurious...but my favorite part about Heaven has to be those meals-on-wheels you keep sending me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3418re/three_mice_go_to_heaven/
%
Never give a Roman a high five.

Or he'll give you a HIV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3417h8/never_give_a_roman_a_high_five/
%
What did the buffalo say to his son on his first day of school?

Bison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3416na/what_did_the_buffalo_say_to_his_son_on_his_first/
%
What happens when a cyclist meets a stop sign?

Not a fucking thing, usually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3413sz/what_happens_when_a_cyclist_meets_a_stop_sign/
%
When you're fast enough to be at two spots at the same time.

*Fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3413dt/when_youre_fast_enough_to_be_at_two_spots_at_the/
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A boy and his father are playing catch

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said,"one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey or butter.)
Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or
should I"?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3412bq/a_boy_and_his_father_are_playing_catch/
%
Seven days without food...

Makes one weak!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3411vm/seven_days_without_food/
%
So a cinematographer, writer, and production designer walk into a bar....

and the director takes all the credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/341028/so_a_cinematographer_writer_and_production/
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THE GOVINATOR

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/340znj/the_govinator/
%
I like my women like I like my coffee...

Hot and all over my crotch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/340yol/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
%
Russian history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/340qv8/russian_history_in_5_words/
%
You heard the rumour going around about butter?

Never mind. I shouldn't spread it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/340kdf/you_heard_the_rumour_going_around_about_butter/
%
I lost my ruler and my work after drawing a graph...

I think they were plotting something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/340jw6/i_lost_my_ruler_and_my_work_after_drawing_a_graph/
%
His wife left him.

A man lived a struggled life. He worked for every dollar, had a wife that never appreciated his efforts and never even had a chance to smile. His wife left him at 40, and he continued to work hard until retirement, struggling to build his savings. At retirement, he had enough saved to buy the fancy car that he always wanted, so he thought "What the hell, you only live once!" He took the car out on the highway and quickly reached the speed limit. Unimpressed by the limit of the law, he increased his speed by 10, then another 10, and so on and so on. He was travelling at 70 over the speed limit when he noticed the red and blue lights and the siren in his rear view. When he came to a stop the policeman approached the vehicle looking a little frustrated. The policeman said "You were travelling at a hugely excessive speed. I could take your licence and your car on the spot if I wanted to. But you know what? It's my last day. I retire tomorrow. Therefore I'll give you one chance. Give me one good reason why I should let you off, and I will." The man didn't hesitate, and quickly exclaimed, "My wife left me for a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/340hon/his_wife_left_him/
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I saw a man 3 foot 3 outside my house looking for my utilities readings

Turns out he was the metre man

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/340fqb/i_saw_a_man_3_foot_3_outside_my_house_looking_for/
%
A frog walks into a bank

, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says
"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"
"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"
"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I know the manager."
The teller is understandably taken aback by this, and asks if the frog has any collateral to cover this.
"As a matter of fact, I do!" says the frog, and he reaches into his pocket and hands over a tiny ceramic elephant.
"What?!" says the teller, "This is garbage! I can't take this!"
"Well, take it up with my father then!" The frog retorts.
"Oh yeah, and who might that be?" The teller is quickly getting more and more annoyed at the frog.
"Why, it's Keith Richards!" The frog is waiting impatiently, tapping his toe on the ground. "Now, can I have that loan or not?"
"Wait right here" the teller says, as she storms into the back room, looking for her manager.
"There's a frog out there who claims to know you, and wants a million dollar loan. He claims his father his Keith Richards! He even gave me this as collateral," she says, holding up the elephant. "I mean, what even is this?"
The manager takes a look at the elephant and replies "It's a knick knack, Paddy Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/340eor/a_frog_walks_into_a_bank/
%
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"

Students: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Students: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Students: *"Homework!"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/340dzw/teacher_kidswhat_does_the_chicken_give_you/
%
A husband tells his wife about the car crash he got into...

Husband: Hey, I got in a car crash today. I got hurt real bad, I broke my arm and fractured my wrist. I also sprained my ankle and the car nearly exploded! Luckily Lucy pulled me out of the car just before it exploded. I spent a couple days in hospital but I'm fine now.
Wife: Who's Lucy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/340cav/a_husband_tells_his_wife_about_the_car_crash_he/
%
A Jew is stuck in a well.

Three men pass by at different times and notice this.
The first one, a Christian, says, "Hey! Give me your hand!". The Jew refuses, and the perplexed Christian man leaves.
The second one, a Hindu, says, "You seem to be in trouble! Give me your hand!". The Jew refuses again, and the Hindu man is annoyed and confused, so he leaves without another word.
Then, a Muslim man arrives and says, "Take my hand!", and the Jew accepts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/340ak8/a_jew_is_stuck_in_a_well/
%
Why do porn stars hate driving?

Because people always pull out infront of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/340a9v/why_do_porn_stars_hate_driving/
%
WARNING: 18+!

19

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3409v1/warning_18/
%
What's it called when two perfectionists sleep together?

Anal sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3409mt/whats_it_called_when_two_perfectionists_sleep/
%
What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?

"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34043g/what_did_the_county_sheriff_say_about_the_black/
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A girl goes to confession [NSFW]

Girl: Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday.
Priest: Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?
Girl: Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission.
Priest: Do you mean like this? (He touches her arm.)
Girl: Yes father.
Priest: That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl: But father he also touched my breasts.
Priest: You mean like this? (He touches her breasts.)
Girl: Yes father.
Priest: That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl: But father, he took off my clothes.
Priest: Like this? (He takes off her clothes.)
Girl: Yes father.
Priest: That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl: But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where.
Priest: Like this? (He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.)
Girl: Yes father.
Priest: But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl: But father, he has AIDS.
Priest: That son of a b***h!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34037u/a_girl_goes_to_confession_nsfw/
%
How do you know if Helen Keller just masturbated?

She spits when she talks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34033u/how_do_you_know_if_helen_keller_just_masturbated/
%
How do you surprise Helen Keller?

Leave a plunger in the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3400uc/how_do_you_surprise_helen_keller/
%
Dad buys a lie detector robot

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
The son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"
"What dvd?"
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs "Hahahaha! Afterall he's your son"
Robot slaps mum

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33zzck/dad_buys_a_lie_detector_robot/
%
The president visits a military base

He asks a solider stationed there what vehicles he's looking at.  The Solider replies "Tanks Obama"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33zuh6/the_president_visits_a_military_base/
%
I went out the other night and tried a pelican burger for the first time....

It was amazing but the bill was enormous!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ztkm/i_went_out_the_other_night_and_tried_a_pelican/
%
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?

So they can see the front-lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ztb9/why_do_french_tanks_have_rearview_mirrors/
%
Police arrested two kids yesterday...

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33zsii/police_arrested_two_kids_yesterday/
%
What is ISIS after an airstrike?

Waswas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33zs7n/what_is_isis_after_an_airstrike/
%
Ever since I became blind I never looked back...

Or forward, or right, or left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33zm6s/ever_since_i_became_blind_i_never_looked_back/
%
Why did the lost tourist cross the road?

The chicken looked like he knew where he was going.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33zkyg/why_did_the_lost_tourist_cross_the_road/
%
Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. They went through 110 stories in 10 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33zil1/who_are_the_fastest_readers_in_the_world/
%
Dark humor is like food...

Some people don't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33zfp4/dark_humor_is_like_food/
%
My girlfriend said she needs time and distance

is she calculating velocity?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33zd0o/my_girlfriend_said_she_needs_time_and_distance/
%
What word in the dictionary is always spelled wrong?

Wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33zcri/what_word_in_the_dictionary_is_always_spelled/
%
What do you call a dog with a great sense of humor?

A Chihuahahaha.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33zat6/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_a_great_sense_of_humor/
%
I got arrested today

I got arrest today, apparently you aren't allowed to do doughnuts within 200ft of a school zone... the frosting worked as great lubricant though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33z9yl/i_got_arrested_today/
%
I knew a girl

I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.
Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33z87n/i_knew_a_girl/
%
A woman is cooking dinner and her husband walks in the door, shaking his head and laughing...

"You'll never believe the bullshit I heard at work today. Bill Jenkins was bragging that he's fucked every woman on our street but one."
His wife smirks, stirring the gravy. "I bet it's that snooty old Cathy Anderson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33z6i0/a_woman_is_cooking_dinner_and_her_husband_walks/
%
A little boy goes to the circus for the first time with his mom and dad...

His dad gets up and goes for a piss. While he's gone, one of the elephants rises up and rests his feet on a giant red ball. The little boy sees the elephant's genitals flop down and is shocked.
"Mommy! What's that thing under the elephant, that long hanging thing?"
Embarrassed, the mother says, "Oh, that's nothing. Don't worry about that."
Dad comes back and the mom leaves to go to the bathroom. The elephant rises up on the ball again and his member flops down for all to see.
"Dad, what's that big long thing under the elephant's tummy?" the boy asks, pointing.
The dad decides to be straight with him. "That's the elephant's penis, my boy."
"Really? When I asked mom about it, she said it was 'nothing'."
The dad grins. "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33z5bk/a_little_boy_goes_to_the_circus_for_the_first/
%
Heard about the Berlin Comedy Club in the 1940s?

It was Nazi time for Holocaust jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33z4r0/heard_about_the_berlin_comedy_club_in_the_1940s/
%
because yoda was in charge of the jokes

why was the punchline in the title

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33z470/because_yoda_was_in_charge_of_the_jokes/
%
3 recent college graduates are looking for a job.

They were in the receptionist's office waiting for their interviews.  The first one gets called in.
HR manager: "We are a young growing company and we need people with good powers of observation.  I want you to make an observation about anything you see in my office and you tell me all about it"
The young man looks around, and with a cocky attitude typical of young people, notices that the HR manager has a birth defect and has no ears!
1st young man: "Holy shit! You have no fucking ears!"
HR manager (insulted): "Get the fuck out of my office! You'll never work in this town!"
On his way out of the office he stops and warns the other two guys to not say anything about the HR guy's birth defect as he is pretty sensitive about them.  The other two guys start to get nervous.
The second one gets called in.
HR Manager: "We are a young growing company and need people with good powers of observation.  Make an observation about anything in my office and tell me about it!"
Remembering the first guy's warning, he tries his best to look beyond and behind the HR manager's desk.  But he couldn't help it and succumbs to his smart alecky attitude and exclaims, "Man, it's true! You have no fucking ears!
HR manager: "Get the fuck out of here!  You will never work in this town!"
Third guy gets called in and sees the second guy walking out.  This compounds his nervousness so he swears he won't even look at the HR guy.
HR manager: " We are a young...blah blah....Make an observation about anything you see in my office, tell me about it,  and I will base my decision on that."
The kid kept staring at the floor and anything around it, he looks at his shoes, the feet on the desk in front of him, the weaving on the carpet...anything!  Finally he couldn't help it.  He sits up, leans forward and stares at the HR guy right in the face.  "Man, you're wearing contact lenses aren't you?"
HR manager:  "I am as a matter of fact! Holy shit, son! You got the job!"  And as the HR guy finishes writing up the kid's paperwork for employment, he nonchalantly asks, "How'd you come up with that observation? That was amazing from where you are sitting!"
Kid:  "Well you can't wear glasses, you don't have any fucking ears!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33yztu/3_recent_college_graduates_are_looking_for_a_job/
%
Another taxi joke

A taxi driver, late one night, was startled to see a stark naked woman rush into his cab. She told the driver the address of her destination but the driver just continued to stare at her in disbelief.
Finally the woman shouted, "What's the matter? Never seen a naked woman before!"
"No, I'm staring at you wondering where the hell are you keeping the money to pay me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33yz53/another_taxi_joke/
%
A sandwich is better than sex.

Because nothing is better than sex and a sandwich is better than nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33yyhf/a_sandwich_is_better_than_sex/
%
A woman was about to go into labor...

when the doctor revealed a revolutionary new device that could transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father.
The woman's husband, being the nice, loyal guy he is, decided to man up and take some of the pain for his wife. The doctor started at 20%.
20% of the pain was transferred, but the husband didn't feel anything. He says, "crank it up, doc."
The setting goes up to 40%. The husband still doesn't feel anything. He says, "I'm still okay. Crank it up, I'm sure I can handle it."
The perplexed doctor raises the setting to 60%. The husband, still completely unfazed, says, "Wow. This is 60%? I don't know what she always complains about."
The doctor, now beginning to doubt the device, cranks it up to 100%. The woman delivers her child painlessly, and the husband still doesn't feel anything.
The happy couple go home, where they are greeted by a neighbor. He says, "You wouldn't believe what happened when you were gone! The mailman suddenly fell to the ground, screamed in increasing agony for 20 minutes, and died!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33yxgr/a_woman_was_about_to_go_into_labor/
%
When Canada became independent, a committee was made to name the new country.

The three men included disagreed on all names brought up so far. Finally, they all decided to just say one letter that they could use to add together to make a name they all agreed on.
The first guy said "C, eh?"
The second guys went "N, eh?"
The last guy goes "D, eh?"
And that's how we got the name Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33yuo2/when_canada_became_independent_a_committee_was/
%
Told this joke when I was three

Me: "Why did the cow cross the road?"
Parent: "Wh-"
Me: "Moo!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33yqam/told_this_joke_when_i_was_three/
%
Ever read the book "A Race To The Bathroom"?

by Willie Makeit and Betty Wont.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ymz9/ever_read_the_book_a_race_to_the_bathroom/
%
A recent survey found.

6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ym2w/a_recent_survey_found/
%
I walked in on my roommate jerking it

He got mad and told me to put it away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33yk78/i_walked_in_on_my_roommate_jerking_it/
%
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

Doughnuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33yjqu/what_do_you_see_when_the_pillsbury_doughboy_bends/
%
How many black people does it take to start a riot?

-1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33yjbp/how_many_black_people_does_it_take_to_start_a_riot/
%
My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike...

My dad was holding me from behind...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33yhr8/my_first_time_having_sex_was_like_my_first_time/
%
What do you get if you boil funnybones?

A laughing stock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33yg1m/what_do_you_get_if_you_boil_funnybones/
%
TIL that my Head & Shoulders shampoo's proven HydraZinc formula fights dandruff from the first wash, removing visible flakes and residues, relieving dryness and tight scalp, and leaving my hair smelling great.

I also learned not to forget my phone when I take a shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33yfz7/til_that_my_head_shoulders_shampoos_proven/
%
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time
*door closes on way out*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33y99j/what_do_you_call_a_belt_with_a_watch_on_it/
%
I'm gonna make a porn of midgets working at a burger place

I'll call it "Quarter Pounder"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33y65j/im_gonna_make_a_porn_of_midgets_working_at_a/
%
An old man is down on his luck and needs a drink.

He stops at the busy tavern hoping someone will buy him one. He tells everyone in earshot that if anyone puts a piece of wood in front of him, he can tell them what type of wood it is and where it came from just by smelling it, if they buy him a drink.
The bartender says "okay" and accepts. A crowd is gathering and the old man is blindfolded and he places his hands behind his back.
The bartender brings out a baseball bat from under the bar and says "Alright, what kind of wood is this?" The old man bends over and gives the bat a long sniff. He stands upright and says "That wood is ash and it comes from Kentucky". The bartender is amazed and gives him a drink.
A few minutes later a couple of redneck looking guys make him the same challenge. One of them goes out to his pickup truck and gets a 2 x 4.
Again blindfolded with his hands behind his back the old man gives the 2 x 4 a great sniff. He declares "this is spruce and it is from Canada." The rednecks are amazed and get him a drink.
A few minutes later an old old woman sitting at the end of the bar offers the old man the same challenge.
The old man is blindfolded once more and places his hands behind his back. The old woman pulls an old wooden dildo out of her purse. The old man bends over and takes a mighty sniff. He snaps his head back up quickly grimacing. He bends over once more and gives another big sniff. Again his head snaps up and he grimaces.
He then shakily says " I don't know what kind of wood it is, but I know it came off the shithouse door of a fishing boat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33y5fa/an_old_man_is_down_on_his_luck_and_needs_a_drink/
%
What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?

The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies.
Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33y3k9/what_is_the_difference_between_the_regular_police/
%
Why did the chicken get into so much trouble?

Because of its fowl language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33xxib/why_did_the_chicken_get_into_so_much_trouble/
%
So a lady goes to a bakery...

and asks for some bagels. The man at the counter says "Sorry, we won't have bagels until next week". So the lady says ok and goes home. The next day she comes back and goes up to the same man at the counter again and asks for some bagels. The man replies, "Ma'am, I told you yesterday, we won't have bagels for another week." So the lady says ok ok and goes home. The next day, the same lady walks into the store, goes up to the man, and asks for some bagels. The man shouts, "Lady I told you! We don't have any bagels! Do you understand!?", "yes" replies the lady, and she goes home. Of course, the next day the lady walks into the store and goes up to the man at the counter and asks for some bagels. The man replies to her calmly, "Lady, do you know how to spell 'cat' as in 'catatonic?". She says, "yes C-A-T". The man then asks, "Do you know how to spell 'dog' as in 'dogmatic'?". The lady replies, "ya, D-O-G." Then the man asks the lady, "Do you know how to spell 'fuck', as in 'bagels'?" "But there's no fuck in bagels" she says. "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33xx87/so_a_lady_goes_to_a_bakery/
%
Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33xwi8/why_did_star_wars_episodes_4_5_and_6_come_before/
%
I went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about suicide?"

The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33xnuy/i_went_to_the_library_i_saidcan_i_borrow_a_book/
%
I come from a mixed race family...

My father prefers the 100 metres...and my mother is Pakistani.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33xmht/i_come_from_a_mixed_race_family/
%
Son of a b****h

A girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-b***h yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-b***h??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-b***h."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-b***h."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-b***h."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-b***h."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-B***H!!!!!!!!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33xkmf/son_of_a_bh/
%
The police came to my house earlier and said my dog has chased someone on a bike.

I said, "You must be joking. My dog hasn't got a bike."
*(Reposted because I completely messed up the punchline in the original post, and have only just realised.)*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33xip4/the_police_came_to_my_house_earlier_and_said_my/
%
Canine Names

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the second blonde responded. "They're watch dogs!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33xgbw/canine_names/
%
How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tits a lot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33x9i8/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/
%
I read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

At first I hated it, but by the end I loved it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33x7xs/i_read_a_book_about_stockholm_syndrome/
%
Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."
The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33wzp6/three_drunk_guys_get_into_a_taxi/
%
'Calm Your Tits' is derogatory.

Feminists reccomend, instead :
'De-stress the Breasts",'Soothe your Boobs', 'Give that Chest a Rest', 'Don't have a Rack Attack'
and
'Hakuna the Tattas'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33wyfc/calm_your_tits_is_derogatory/
%
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2

He never talks about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33wskw/my_grandfather_lost_his_tongue_during_ww2/
%
the Steel Guitar Network - Church Bulletin Bloopers

Church Ladies With typewriters ...
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
__________________________________________________
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation..
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered...
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM .. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33wsgh/the_steel_guitar_network_church_bulletin_bloopers/
%
A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.

So he calls the police to inform them.
A cocky sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.
"Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33wsbr/a_scottish_priest_is_driving_home_when_he_comes/
%
Kim Jong-un read War and Peace in a day.

At least I think that's why they call him Supreme Reader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33wrjg/kim_jongun_read_war_and_peace_in_a_day/
%
CRICKET

Q: If you had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have?
A: A bloody big cricket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33wof4/cricket/
%
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33wng5/a_husband_and_wife_are_trying_to_set_up_a_new/
%
Driving a brand new Bugatti

A senior citizen drove his brand new Bugatti  to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him.
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 170, ...
Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding.
I'll let U go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good Night , Sir"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33wknz/driving_a_brand_new_bugatti/
%
How many Toronto Maple Leaf fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nobody knows.
They always say they'll do it next year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33wjw0/how_many_toronto_maple_leaf_fans_does_it_take_to/
%
The cops were called...

to the local childcare because a kid was resisting a rest.
30 minutes later the cops were called back because of an apparent kid-napping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33wim8/the_cops_were_called/
%
What Is The National Bird Of Pakistan..

***General Atomics MQ-1 Predator***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33wfni/what_is_the_national_bird_of_pakistan/
%
What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33w9mr/whats_brown_and_sounds_like_a_bell/
%
What is worse than bad grammar?

pour grammar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33w6rl/what_is_worse_than_bad_grammar/
%
Mother and Father

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and yells, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're both coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33w5xi/mother_and_father/
%
They say it ain't over until the fat lady sings.

No wonder Feminist can't start things

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33w1ck/they_say_it_aint_over_until_the_fat_lady_sings/
%
Today my dad died in a scuba accident

It was a very depressing situation

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33w1by/today_my_dad_died_in_a_scuba_accident/
%
What can conspiracy theorists never explain?

They say that 9/11 was an inside job...
but planes fly OUTSIDE.
Can't explain that

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33w03u/what_can_conspiracy_theorists_never_explain/
%
50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.



— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vy4g/50_shades_of_grey_would_be_a_perfect_title_for_a/
%
Drunk Driving

A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
"Son-of-a-b***h!!!" Said the police officer
(x-post from /r/sonofabitch)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vy3m/drunk_driving/
%
What's the hardest part of being a gay black cop?

The discrimination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vx7v/whats_the_hardest_part_of_being_a_gay_black_cop/
%
Have you heard the one about the bed?

No? That's 'cause it hasn't been made yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vx1z/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_bed/
%
My math teacher called me average...

How mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vus6/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
%
Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop?

Because there'd be no charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vs13/why_isnt_there_a_neutron_mod_in_the_skyrim_steam/
%
How I feel when watching youtube...

I dont mind the buffer ...
I dont mind the adds...
But when the ads buffer...
I suffer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vrn3/how_i_feel_when_watching_youtube/
%
Tarzan

How do Elephants hide in the Wild?
They Paint their balls Red and hide in an Apple Tree.
How do Elephants hid in the city?
They Paint their toenails different colors and hide in a bag of M'n'Ms.
How did Tarzan die?
By picking apples.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vq6w/tarzan/
%
Michael Brown, Freddie Gray...

The police really don't like colored people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vov8/michael_brown_freddie_gray/
%
The stranded man

A ship, sailing past a remote island, spots a man who has been stranded there for several years. The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts.
“What’s the first hut for?” he asks.
“That’s my house,” says the castaway.
“What’s the second hut for?”
“That’s my church.”
“And the third hut?”
“Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’s the church I used to go to

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vnxh/the_stranded_man/
%
A police officer goes to investigate an artist's death...

His report details it as being "pretty sketchy."
I'll leave now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vn9e/a_police_officer_goes_to_investigate_an_artists/
%
What do you call it when fish stop having babies?

Minnow-pause

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vjje/what_do_you_call_it_when_fish_stop_having_babies/
%
I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..."

"...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vj1a/i_text_my_wife_tonight_honey_im_going_to_stay_in/
%
A man walks into Radio Shack and sees that they have "The All In One Female Office Bot" now for sale!

The man walks up to the counter and asks the employee, "what is so special about that robot?"
"She is an all in one. If you squeeze her left breast, she will write down anything that you say and if you squeeze the right breast, she will type anything for you." the employee states.
"I'll take one!" the man says.
A few hours later back at the Radio Shack the employee gets a call from the customer who bought the all in one female office bot and simply asks, "Hey asshole, why the fuck didn't you tell me that the spot between her legs was a pencil sharpener?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vgkj/a_man_walks_into_radio_shack_and_sees_that_they/
%
Some asshole has got my pen

is what the nurse said when she noticed she had a rectal thermometer in her pocket.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vfd2/some_asshole_has_got_my_pen/
%
The nasty parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vf54/the_nasty_parrot/
%
Three guys go on a ski trip...

...they arrive at the hotel only to find out that there is only one room available, and it has only one bed. They have a great day skiing and then go to sleep. The next day, they wake up. The guy on the left says "I had a dream that this beautiful woman was giving me the best handjob of my life!"  The guy on the right says "I had the same dream!"  The guy in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vcof/three_guys_go_on_a_ski_trip/
%
What game do two strangers with Social Anxiety play?

Don't Break the Ice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vc3b/what_game_do_two_strangers_with_social_anxiety/
%
I saw a guy smoking two cigarettes today

I was walking down the street and saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, I asked him about it and he said that his friend recently went to jail and that he swore upon his life to always smoke on his behalf as long as he is in jail.
A month later I walk by the same street and spot the same guy, but this time he only had one cigarette in his mouth.
I asked him if his friend got out of jail to which he responded "Nah man, I quit smoking"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33v7nc/i_saw_a_guy_smoking_two_cigarettes_today/
%
Mommy! Mommy! What's a vampire?

Shut up and drink your soup before it clots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33v6bv/mommy_mommy_whats_a_vampire/
%
I told this girl to call me when she got home

I guess she's homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33v52m/i_told_this_girl_to_call_me_when_she_got_home/
%
What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33v46g/whats_the_difference_between_three_dicks_and_a/
%
I found a joke recorded in an old book from my great great great great grandfather in 1881

A married woman said to her husband. “You have never taken me to the cemetery.” “No dear,” replied he. “that is a pleasure I have yet in anticipation.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33v0rj/i_found_a_joke_recorded_in_an_old_book_from_my/
%
What is a seal's favorite drink?

Club soda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33v0j9/what_is_a_seals_favorite_drink/
%
What does a lawyer wear to work?

A lawsuit!
I should get a hobby...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33uzuy/what_does_a_lawyer_wear_to_work/
%
How do you get the political science grad off your lawn?

Pay for the pizza

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33uyxn/how_do_you_get_the_political_science_grad_off/
%
What do poor people drink?

Pover-tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33uwxd/what_do_poor_people_drink/
%
I can row a boat.

Canoe?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33uvc0/i_can_row_a_boat/
%
Why are Soviets so bad with the ladies?

They're always Russian the fuckin' and Stalin the lovin'
hehehe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33uuo9/why_are_soviets_so_bad_with_the_ladies/
%
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33utpw/whats_orange_and_sounds_like_a_parrot/
%
Why was the violist standing outside the door?

He didn't know when to come in

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33usxi/why_was_the_violist_standing_outside_the_door/
%
I just made a new website for orphans.

There isn't a homepage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33us8d/i_just_made_a_new_website_for_orphans/
%
3 engineers are debating what kind of engineer God is

The first, a mechanical engineer, says, "He must be a mechanical engineer. Just think about a pitcher throwing a baseball 100mph, the forces are unreal. God has to be a mechanical engineer."
The second, an electrical engineer, says "No way, he has to be an electrical engineer. Just look at the nervous system. All those complex impulses creating memories, movement, and thought. God has to be an electrical engineer."
Finally, the civil engineer speaks up. "You both are so wrong. God is without a doubt a civil engineer. Only a civil engineer would place a fertility clinic next to a toxic waste dump"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33une2/3_engineers_are_debating_what_kind_of_engineer/
%
What do you call a black person in space?

An astronaut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33umw2/what_do_you_call_a_black_person_in_space/
%
Two nuns are walking through a forest...

...when two men catch them and strip them naked before raping them.
One of the nuns starts praying: "God, please forgive them, as they don't know what they're doing!"
To which the other nun says: "This one does!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ujbt/two_nuns_are_walking_through_a_forest/
%
Why should you never hit people with violins??

Because violins is not the answer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ufiv/why_should_you_never_hit_people_with_violins/
%
My boss wanted me to sign up for the company 401k.

I told him, "No way, do you have any idea how far that is?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ueth/my_boss_wanted_me_to_sign_up_for_the_company_401k/
%
A girl walks into a supermarket

...she picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.
The cashier looks at her and the items she has and says, "I can tell you're single."
She smiles and responds, "How do you know that?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33uerm/a_girl_walks_into_a_supermarket/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter. All they do is complain that the lightbulb won't screw them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ucyl/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
I take my wife everywhere...

And she still finds her way home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ubvv/i_take_my_wife_everywhere/
%
A man walks into a bar...

...and the bartender tells him that there's a special going on:
"If you can throw this baseball through this hole in the wall, you get a point.  Three points in a row will win your own private jet!  However, you have to throw from the opposite wall."
The man inspects the hole, and sees that the opposite wall is about ten feet back.  The hole is also barely larger than the baseball, so it looks like an incredibly difficult task.
The man takes the ball, and for the next half-hour, he attempts to get the ball in the whole.  He finally gets it in once, but proceeds to miss by a significant margin on the next try.
Angered, he confronts the bartender: "This is impossible!  I could understand one or two, but why do I need three points in a row to win the jet?  It's not fair!"
"Well..." says the bartender, "...it's because three points determine a plane!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ub0h/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How many dead prostitutes we need to change a lightbulb ?

Certainly not three, because in my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33uare/how_many_dead_prostitutes_we_need_to_change_a/
%
What do Jews drive?

A hard bargain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33uaie/what_do_jews_drive/
%
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey...

For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33u78a/i_wish_i_could_reenact_the_fantasy_scenes_from_50/
%
What sound does a gun made from church seating make?

Pew Pew..
Sorry. Just became a father 2 years ago. I have some catching up to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33u4ic/what_sound_does_a_gun_made_from_church_seating/
%
What's the difference between a turkey sandwich and a ham sandwich?

A turkey sandwich doesn't recognize the Armenian genocide

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33u4fw/whats_the_difference_between_a_turkey_sandwich/
%
Chemistry joke...

I would tell a chemistry joke, but there'd be no reaction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33u379/chemistry_joke/
%
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill...

Apparently a turban, beard and backpack wasn't what they had in mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33u2fe/i_got_invited_to_a_party_and_was_told_to_dress_to/
%
An alien spaceship lands in a married couple's backyard...

The couple goes out to greet them.  After introductions and typical small talk, they discover that these aliens are galactic swingers, and they were  looking to do a little swapping.
The couple decided that, since they were representing all of humanity, they would play along.
The wife takes the male alien upstairs to the main bedroom, while the husband takes the female to the guest room.
When the male pulls down his pants, the wife discovers he has a tiny penis...smaller than a golf tee.  She chuckled a little bit, and told him "We aren't going to be doing much with that little thing!"
The alien, with a twinkle in his eye replied..."Come over here and tug on my right ear."  So she did, and his penis grew straight out 14 inches!  But it was still as thin as a pencil...
He then said "Tug on my left ear now..."  After doing so, the alien cock fattened up like a super sized summer sausage!
The woman smiled...and after a few more minutes of adjusting found the size she liked, and had the best night of sex in her life.
The next morning, after the aliens had left for the stars, the husband and wife sat down in the kitchen to have a cup of coffee.
The husband, noticing the glow emanating off of his wife, asked how her night went.  She replied "It was wonderful!  How about yours?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said "Meh...it was ok.  Weird thing though...she kept playing with my ears all night..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33tz2x/an_alien_spaceship_lands_in_a_married_couples/
%
A baseball walks into Wimbledon.

The announcer yells "Hey, we don't serve your kind"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33txyr/a_baseball_walks_into_wimbledon/
%
Two Aliens in the Desert

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33txgl/two_aliens_in_the_desert/
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Did you know that Rosa Parks died because...

She refused to get in the back of an ambulance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33twfr/did_you_know_that_rosa_parks_died_because/
%
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

a Lickalotopuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33tw6q/what_do_you_call_a_lesbian_dinosaur/
%
What's the three toughest years of a bass player?

Second grade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ttsz/whats_the_three_toughest_years_of_a_bass_player/
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Hundred Dollar Tattoo on privates

A hardcore Chartered Accountant gets home late one night.
His wife angry and upset, says, "Where the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a Hundred Dollar on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust, "What is wrong with this man, why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a Hundred Dollar tattooed on his bloody privates?"
"Well,
one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a Hundred bucks anytime you want!"
Wife faints... :D :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33trxg/hundred_dollar_tattoo_on_privates/
%
I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold.

He didn't have a jacket on, so I asked him why.
He said he was outside before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33tp18/i_saw_a_hipster_walking_outside_in_the_cold/
%
What's a vaccines favorite song?

Shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33towc/whats_a_vaccines_favorite_song/
%
Rick.

Rick is a total lover of Pixar movies. He will lend you any title except for one.
He is never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33tmzf/rick/
%
Why are pills white?

Because they work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33tj9i/why_are_pills_white/
%
What do you call a bass player without a GF?

Homeless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33thv2/what_do_you_call_a_bass_player_without_a_gf/
%
What do you call a Satanist dancer?

A ba'al-erina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33tgm2/what_do_you_call_a_satanist_dancer/
%
Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33tdch/out_in_space_two_alien_life_forms_are_speaking/
%
A group of people asked me to make a joke about barometers

but I couldn't handle the pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33tcph/a_group_of_people_asked_me_to_make_a_joke_about/
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SIAP a Confession Joke for all you for S**s O' B***es

One day a girl went to church to make a confession
GIRL: Forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: What have you done my child
GIRL: I called a man a son of a bitch
PRIEST: Why did you call him a son of a bitch
GIRL: Caused he touched my hand
PRIEST: Like this, (as he touches her hand)
GIRL:Yes father.
PRIEST: That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch
GIRL: Then he touched my breast.
PRIEST: Like this, (as he touched her breast)
GIRL: Yes father
PRIEST: That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch
GIRL: Then he took off my clothes father
PRIEST: Like this, (as he takes off her clothes)
GIRL: Yes father
PRIEST: That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch
GIRL: Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where
PRIEST: Like this, (as he stuck his you know what into her you know here)
GIRL: YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER
PRIEST: (after a few minutes) that's no reason to call him a son of a bitch
GIRL: But father he had AIDS
PRIEST: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33t7tq/siap_a_confession_joke_for_all_you_for_ss_o_bes/
%
Who would win a fight between an octopus and a shark?

The octopus because it is well armed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33t72c/who_would_win_a_fight_between_an_octopus_and_a/
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A man is sent to live amongst a tribe in Africa.

After settling in to his new lodgings he hears a loud set of pipes playing near the tribes village. He asks one of the tribe members what the pipe music is for and he answers, "Nobody know for sure, just that very bad thing happen when they stop." The man begins to worry about what this bad thing could be but after a few days of constant pipe music he begins to settle down but is still curious. However, after a week amongst the tribe, as he was out hunting with a tribe member he hears the pipes begin to die down. Terrified, he asks the tribe member, "What happens now?".
The tribesman covers his ears and whispers, " Drum solo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33t6rm/a_man_is_sent_to_live_amongst_a_tribe_in_africa/
%
A chicken walks into a library...

...and she walks up to the counter and says, "book, booook,  book book." So the librarian thinks briefly and comes back with Animal Farm. The hen wanders off with the book.
Next day the hen is back, it has the book with it, the librarian returns the book and the hen goes, "book, boooook, book, book book." The librarian thinks what the hell and grabs it Of Mice and Men and the hen leaves.
Next day sure enough the hen is back, book in beak, "book book boooook." Atlas Shrugged. "Book, booook." Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. "Book book."... you get the idea. This goes on for about a week until the librarian gets  curious enough to follow the chicken and find out what's happening.
So the next time the chicken comes in the Librarian books out one of Proust's works to slow it down down and follows the hen trying not to be seen. All the way past the outskirts of town, down over Old Farmer Giles' twisted stile. Through the Sweeping Woods and upto a pond, where the chicken shows the book to a frog, which replies.
"Reddit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33sykf/a_chicken_walks_into_a_library/
%
Why don't tampons talk to maxi-pads?

Because they're stuck-up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33sv55/why_dont_tampons_talk_to_maxipads/
%
Where can you find Scandinavia?

Right next to Printdinavia and Copydinavia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33suxw/where_can_you_find_scandinavia/
%
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None.  He fell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33skeq/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
%
What are pillowy breasts made of?

mammary foam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33skcy/what_are_pillowy_breasts_made_of/
%
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The rooster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33skbx/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
How do you start a joke about Vladimir Putin?

By looking over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33sjvf/how_do_you_start_a_joke_about_vladimir_putin/
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Ask Jeeves

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said, "take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jerves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33sf3y/ask_jeeves/
%
Did you hear about the baker that failed at making white bread?

It went a rye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33scu0/did_you_hear_about_the_baker_that_failed_at/
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Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor?

He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33sc03/did_you_hear_about_the_writer_that_became_a_tailor/
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How do you know carrots improve your vision?

Cause you've never seen any bunnies with glasses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33sasl/how_do_you_know_carrots_improve_your_vision/
%
My math teacher called me average...

How mean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33s81s/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/
%
Two guys are walking when they come across a dog on the sidewalk, licking his balls. One guys says, "I wish I could do that."

The other guy says, "You better pet him first to make sure he's friendly."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33s80s/two_guys_are_walking_when_they_come_across_a_dog/
%
What's the worse thing to do to a blind person?

Leave a plunger in the toilet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33s2u6/whats_the_worse_thing_to_do_to_a_blind_person/
%
I'm an anti vaccine activist, and didn't vaccinate my children.

They're all dead, but at least they don't have autism!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33s1hb/im_an_anti_vaccine_activist_and_didnt_vaccinate/
%
My friends said I looked kinda like Hitler from the side

I'm laterally Hitler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ry27/my_friends_said_i_looked_kinda_like_hitler_from/
%
Knock knock

Who's there?
Shi Huang Di
Shi Huang Di Who?
She wan DEEEEEZ NUTS!
Yay for history jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33rurn/knock_knock/
%
What does Michael Bay use to tell a story?

Explosition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33rtdk/what_does_michael_bay_use_to_tell_a_story/
%
Why is it a bad idea to give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll "Let it go! Let it go!"
This joke was made up by my 5 year old nephew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33rt77/why_is_it_a_bad_idea_to_give_elsa_a_balloon/
%
THE CLINTONS AND THE $50 HOOKER

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees him and calls out, “Fifty dollars!”
He's tempted, but the price is a little high so he calls back, “Five!”
She's disgusted and turns away while Bill continues his jog. A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come down on her price. “Fifty!” she shouts.
Bill answers her, “Five!” No sale.
About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells, “See what you get for five dollars!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33rod6/the_clintons_and_the_50_hooker/
%
I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish...

But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ro6a/i_have_a_date_this_weekend_with_a_girl_who_has_a/
%
[NSFW] What's the difference between your paycheck and your penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33rjhd/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_your_paycheck/
%
I would tell you a joke about UDP/IP

But you probably wouldn't get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33rizd/i_would_tell_you_a_joke_about_udpip/
%
Why did Mario always bring Toad to parties?

Toad was a fungi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33riz6/why_did_mario_always_bring_toad_to_parties/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.
They just beat the room for being black and arrest the lightbulb for being broke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33rhmh/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
Boy To Girl

Boy : You are the most funniest & most beautiful girl I've ever met.
Girl : You just want to screw me , Don't you ?
Boy : Wow ! and smart too ... !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33reqd/boy_to_girl/
%
Paddy is a poor Irish farmer...

He spends all day from dawn till dusk working his little farm to provide for his sick wife and 12 daughters.
Every night he kneels by the side of his bed and prays. 'Dear Lord, I'm a good catholic just trying to do right, please oh Lord could I win the lottery?'
For years and years Paddy struggles on, ekeing a meagre existence from his tiny farm, attending church every sunday, nursing his sick wife and teaching his 12 daughters how to live moral lives.
And every night still, he kneels by the side of his bed and begs the lord to please let him win the lottery.
One night, he is kneeling and praying like usual, when suddenly the sky bursts into golden light, a glorious chorus of angels sing and winged cherubs strum harps as the lord himself appears to Paddy.
'PADDY,' Gods deep voice booms.
With tears streaming down his face and his arms stretched towards the sky, Paddy shouts 'YES MY LORD!'
'BUY A TICKET.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33re2g/paddy_is_a_poor_irish_farmer/
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Redditors won't get this...

Original content

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33rc3a/redditors_wont_get_this/
%
The tennis factory near me got closed down after local residents complained...

Apparently they were making a racquet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33rc29/the_tennis_factory_near_me_got_closed_down_after/
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My dad got carpal tunnel syndrome from being on a keyboard in an office all day.

It got so bad his boss made him get rid of the piano.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33rbnh/my_dad_got_carpal_tunnel_syndrome_from_being_on_a/
%
What's a Californians favorite type of comedy?

Dry humor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33r9xj/whats_a_californians_favorite_type_of_comedy/
%
What did the escalator say to the elevator?

Nothing, he just staired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33r9vg/what_did_the_escalator_say_to_the_elevator/
%
Finally my winter fat is gone...

Now I have spring rolls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33r4x7/finally_my_winter_fat_is_gone/
%
There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes..

No one knows why, but it's clear he has a loco motive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33r4sy/there_is_a_hispanic_train_conductor_going_around/
%
Two guys are driving through Texas..

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."
The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.
"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33r339/two_guys_are_driving_through_texas/
%
What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain :D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33r1j7/what_do_you_call_a_pile_of_kittens/
%
How do you get rid of an obese demon?

You exercise it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qz5c/how_do_you_get_rid_of_an_obese_demon/
%
There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qun9/there_are_hundreds_of_features_on_a_brandnew_bmw/
%
What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?

Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qnxn/whats_the_worst_part_about_locking_your_keys_in/
%
What do a Texas tornado and an Oklahoma divorce have in common?

Either way someone's losing a trailer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qn5n/what_do_a_texas_tornado_and_an_oklahoma_divorce/
%
My grandfather cracked this joke...

I had gone to visit my grandfather, a well-travelled man, and was telling him about my trip: the towering buildings, ornate architecture, and warm beaches of the cities I'd visited en route to his home town. I told him how all the walking had made me develop a blister on the bottom of my foot, and that in spite of the blister, I'd kept walking and exploring. By the last day, I was literally hobbling along almost on one leg, and had to call it quits.
His reply?
"Well, I guess you could say, your heart was willing, but your sole was weak!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qn1q/my_grandfather_cracked_this_joke/
%
Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions?

Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qmqr/why_dont_neckbeards_hit_on_people_with_heart/
%
No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qli6/no_one_should_have_been_surprised_by_the_rise_of/
%
My all time favorite lawyer joke.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qkim/my_all_time_favorite_lawyer_joke/
%
What did one orphan say to the other?

"Robin, get in the batmobile"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qi0o/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
%
"I see..."

said the blind man as he pissed into the wind.
"It's all coming back to me now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qgo6/i_see/
%
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, or two? Three, or four?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qghz/how_many_optometrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
How many MRAs does it take to change a light bulb?

Doesn't matter. They'll just complain that it won't screw them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qg8u/how_many_mras_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
A person in my class is constantly playing with his watch

I wish I had that kind of time on my hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qfpn/a_person_in_my_class_is_constantly_playing_with/
%
April showers bring May flowers

Mayflowers bring Smallpox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qbue/april_showers_bring_may_flowers/
%
What do neutrinos and I have in common.

We are both constantly penetrating your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qbcc/what_do_neutrinos_and_i_have_in_common/
%
The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead...

"Hail, Satan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qas5/the_devil_asked_his_resident_weatherman_what_the/
%
A man sits next to a beautiful blond woman on a plane.

The man is very excited by this prospect of sitting next such a beautiful woman but is displeased when she turns onto her side, facing away from him to fall asleep. So he says to her, "Let's play a game. I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you can ask me a question and if I can't answer it I'll give you $5." The woman says she doesn't want to play any games. "Tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer it you'll give you $5. And then you can ask me a question and if I can't answer it I'll give you $500!"
This causes the woman to sit straight up and pay attention. Pleased with himself the man asks his question. "What is the capitol of Indiana?" The woman shrugs and give the man $5.
Then the woman asks the man her question. "What goes up a mountain on 3 legs and down a mount on 4?" The man is stumped. He has no idea. He brings out his laptop and searches the internet but is unable to find the answer, so he give the woman $500. She takes the money puts it in her purse and turns over to fall asleep. "Wait, what is the answer to the question?" The woman hands the man  $5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33q8yt/a_man_sits_next_to_a_beautiful_blond_woman_on_a/
%
Yesterday I was charged with kidnapping...

That's the last time I fall asleep on a goat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33q8os/yesterday_i_was_charged_with_kidnapping/
%
A man goes to the library and asks for the book "Psycho the Rapist"..

The librarian slaps him and says it's "Psychotherapist"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33q8iv/a_man_goes_to_the_library_and_asks_for_the_book/
%
When I die

I want to go quietly, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and freaked out, like his passengers were.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33q89k/when_i_die/
%
Yo mama's so mean...

She's got no standard deviation!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33q7f4/yo_mamas_so_mean/
%
Say what you will about pedophiles.....

at least they drive slow in school zones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33q4wg/say_what_you_will_about_pedophiles/
%
Why were the coffee beans upset?

Because they were grounded.... Or black I am not sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33q1t4/why_were_the_coffee_beans_upset/
%
Two Lunatics Escape The Asylum.

there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum and one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' But the second guy just shakes his head. He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33q066/two_lunatics_escape_the_asylum/
%
Two antennas get married on a roof...

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was great!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33pxgc/two_antennas_get_married_on_a_roof/
%
How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well apparently not eight cause my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33pwbo/how_many_dead_babies_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What's with all of these racist jokes on reddit?

They're starting to get quite dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33pvnk/whats_with_all_of_these_racist_jokes_on_reddit/
%
Why did the researchers stopped their research on embryos?

Because the subject is still to immature.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33pt3m/why_did_the_researchers_stopped_their_research_on/
%
I haven't shaved my beard in a couple days

It's starting to grow on me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33pp1c/i_havent_shaved_my_beard_in_a_couple_days/
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I joke I made up at work the other day.

So I'm at the bar with a friend, drinking a beer, and this woman walks in. She's huge. Like 500-600 lbs, huge. She locks onto me and asks me if she could suck my cock in the bathroom. So I turned to my friend and said "I'll be right back, something big is about to go down."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33podx/i_joke_i_made_up_at_work_the_other_day/
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Dark humor is like food...

Not everyone get it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33pj40/dark_humor_is_like_food/
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Two words...

Little Jimmy comes home from school, and his mother is in the kitchen. He says "Mommy, I heard some words today on the playground and I didn't know what they meant. Can you tell me what they mean?"
His mother says "Sure, what words were they?"
Jimmy says "Well, first I heard one of the other kids say someone was a 'pussy.' What's a pussy?"
His mother thinks for a long moment, then says "They must have meant a cat... Like a pussy cat. Sometimes it's just shortened to 'pussy.' What was the other word?"
So Jimmy says "Another kid said 'bitch.' What's a bitch?"
The mother thinks for a moment, then says "Well, a female dog is a bitch. So they were probably talking about a female dog."
Jimmy nods, and walks away. But he still thinks that there must be more to it than what his mother was telling him. So he goes upstairs to where his father is sitting in his office, to ask him.
"Daddy, I heard some words today on the playground and I asked Mommy what they meant and she told me, but I don't think she really knows. Can you tell me what the two words mean?"
The father looks at Jimmy and says "Sure. I'd be glad to. What's the first word?"
Jimmy says "Well, Daddy, what's a pussy?"
Jimmy's dad opens up a drawer in his desk and pulls out a Penthouse magazine. He flips to the centerfold. Then he grabs a sharpie marker and draws a circle around the centerfold's vagina. He points to it and says, decisively, "That, son. THAT is a pussy."
Jimmy nods, and says "Ok, Daddy, then what's a bitch?"
Jimmy's dad leans back in his chair and smiles. "Everything outside the circle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33pia1/two_words/
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What's the difference between Isis hostages and Isis terrorists?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drones...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33phpy/whats_the_difference_between_isis_hostages_and/
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A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse...

Captain: what’s that horse for?
Soldier: our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.
Captain: ah, it is ok. One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the horse to his tent. The captain fucked the horse. After that, he saw the soldier smiling Outside his tent.
Captain: it’s so hard! How do you do it?
Soldier: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are.
Captain: son-of-a-b***h..!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33pgxk/a_new_army_captain_inspected_the_soldiers_in/
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During the war, an enemy soldier captures 3 nuns..

.He says that as revenge he'll rape all of them.
Young nun requested: Please spare the older nun.
Old nun : Shut up you Bitch! War is war.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33pezx/during_the_war_an_enemy_soldier_captures_3_nuns/
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What's the difference between Isis hostages and Isis terrorists?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drones...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33pdd4/whats_the_difference_between_isis_hostages_and/
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What’s the best part of sex with a transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33pcxz/whats_the_best_part_of_sex_with_a_transvestite/
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My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals...

and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33pbvm/my_wife_and_i_were_discussing_people_owning_weird/
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What do they call spiders in the Middle East?

Iraqnids

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33pbkn/what_do_they_call_spiders_in_the_middle_east/
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Addicted

Say "addicted" after everything I say.
What is someone who takes drugs?
What is someone who drinks?
What hit you in the face last night?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33p6v7/addicted/
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My father's kids won't get this...

...love.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33p1id/my_fathers_kids_wont_get_this/
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My sister-in-law has step-children

and that's awful, why won't she use regular stairs like everyone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33oz2n/my_sisterinlaw_has_stepchildren/
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ow7s/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_dyslexic_an/
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50's kids probably won't have this...

Parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ovhb/50s_kids_probably_wont_have_this/
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Kids from '00 won't get this...

Childhood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ouur/kids_from_00_wont_get_this/
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What did Professor X said when Cyclops whipped out his penis?

"Keep it in your Jeans"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33otzo/what_did_professor_x_said_when_cyclops_whipped/
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The U.S. congress has passed a massive budget to salvage a sunken vessel last year, today they announced their result

The U.S. navy believes it may have discovered the wreckage of the nation’s military submarine, Squalus, which disappeared a century ago off the coast of Isles of Shoals.
A navy mine hunter reportedly made a “contact of interest” while conducting an underwater search for Squalus. The contact was detected in the Duke of York Islands, about 500 miles northeast of Port Moresby, the capital of Papua New Guinea.
“We need to get more detailed analysis. The search area was determined using local historical accounts, including one from Pacific islanders who spoke of a “monster” that approached a nearby reef and then disappeared.
Upon closer inspection they found out the ship is, in fact, not a U.S. vessel but the Australian vessel, the AE1.
Sorry, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33osxs/the_us_congress_has_passed_a_massive_budget_to/
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A Charleston police officer sees a young black man at night...

The officer says “Good evening” and keeps on walking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33orh1/a_charleston_police_officer_sees_a_young_black/
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We all will get this

Tired of these jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33opv9/we_all_will_get_this/
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A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head...

...the bartender says, "Can I help you?" and the duck says, "Yeah, get this guy off my ass."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33op1o/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_duck_on_his_head/
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I was walking by a car filled with black people...

..and they locked the door when i came near, I felt like a bad ass
then i realised that it was my car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33onww/i_was_walking_by_a_car_filled_with_black_people/
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So i asked this girl to have phone sex with me..

She said she cant,  because she has Virgin Mobile..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33omk4/so_i_asked_this_girl_to_have_phone_sex_with_me/
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Getting Married

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33om7q/getting_married/
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The Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.  His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place.  It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.  When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing money, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."  The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido about the money.
Guido signs back "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "he says he doesnt know what you are talking about."  The Godfather than pulls out his pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you dont tell him."
Guido signs back, "OK!  You win!  The money is in a brown breifcase buried behind the shed at my cousin's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer responds, "He said you dont have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33olt9/the_italian_bookkeeper/
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Sex can make your day

But anal can make your hole weak

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ofqh/sex_can_make_your_day/
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A little black boy was in the kitchen helping his mother baking...

the kid gets the flour and puts it all over his face and says, 'look momma, I'm a white boy'. His mother slapped him and told him to go to his father and show him what he's done.
So the kid goes to his father and says 'look poppa I'm a white boy'. The father punches him in disgust and sends him to his grandfather to show him whats he's done.
He gets to his grandfather, 'look grandpoppa I'm a white boy'. The grandfather beats the shit out of him.
When he gets back to the kitchen to his mother she asks him what he's learned. He shouts, 'I've only been a white boy for 5 minutes an I already hate you black bastards'
Heard this one years ago, hope it hasn't been on here too often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ofbe/a_little_black_boy_was_in_the_kitchen_helping_his/
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Asked my black friend if he wanted to go on a cruise..

I just asked my black friend if he wanted to go on a cruise this summer. He said his ancestors made that same mistake and he's not falling for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33odqa/asked_my_black_friend_if_he_wanted_to_go_on_a/
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Mexican Hippie Slogan

We love everyjuan!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33odhf/mexican_hippie_slogan/
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Game of Thrones

Q: What's the name of Hodor's cat?
> A: Hodor
Q: Why did Hodor cross the road?
> A: Hodor
Q: How many Hodors does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
> A: Hodor
Q: What's the title of Hodor's favorite book?
> A: Hodor
Q: Why wasn't Hodor invited to the party?
> A: Hodor
"Hodor"
"Who's there?"
"Hodor"
"Hodor who?"
"Hodor"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33oaka/game_of_thrones/
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What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him?

Shoots him 8 times in the black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33o7q7/what_does_a_south_carolina_cop_do_when_a_panda/
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Scientists thought we would never have enough air to survive on the moon...

...then they opened a bag of Lays chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33o6jq/scientists_thought_we_would_never_have_enough_air/
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A captain brought his daughter on board of his ship...

and forbid every sailor to have sex with her. He didn't tell any of his crew, but he put razor blades in his daughter vagina for safety measures because he didn't trust anyone of them. Each week, the captain will check the dick of his sailor and kill everybody who's dick missing.
So the first week past and it was time for a checkup. He line up 10 of his sailors and ask them to put down their pants. 9 out of 10 have lost their dick. The captain, furious, kills the 9. To make an example of the tenth he said to him:
-Son for your honesty I will promote you as my assistant!
The sailor could not believe his ears and with joy he replies:
-Tsakjk yjf cahdejn!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33o5tu/a_captain_brought_his_daughter_on_board_of_his/
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I am a proton held at rest next to a plate with a high positive charge in a uniform electric field

I have a lot of potential but I'm not doing any work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33o27n/i_am_a_proton_held_at_rest_next_to_a_plate_with_a/
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One evening a man brings home some deer meat his buddy at work gave him.

He asks his wife to cook it for dinner, but tells her "don't tell the kids what it is or they won't eat it." So she cooks it, and calls the kids to dinner.
So they're at the table eating, and little Johnny says "this meat tastes funny." Mom replies "well it's not beef, it's actually something I call your dad sometimes."
Then little Sally yells "SPIT IT OUT JOHNNY, IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33o0g8/one_evening_a_man_brings_home_some_deer_meat_his/
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How do you combat espionage?

Umbreonage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33o04f/how_do_you_combat_espionage/
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said, "You're pulling my leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33nyiw/i_was_in_bed_with_a_blind_girl_last_night_and_she/
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Bill works in a pickle factory...

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33nyge/bill_works_in_a_pickle_factory/
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2050's kids won't get this...

Snow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33nsu6/2050s_kids_wont_get_this/
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I told a wild dog to go away...

It dingo anywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33nsa8/i_told_a_wild_dog_to_go_away/
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In St. Louis right now, thought this was appropriate: How many black people does it take to start a riot?

-1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ns6o/in_st_louis_right_now_thought_this_was/
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My friend thinks he so smart. He says onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33nr2u/my_friend_thinks_he_so_smart_he_says_onions_are/
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All my life I thought air was free,

until I bought a bag of chips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33npwn/all_my_life_i_thought_air_was_free/
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Only true feminists will get this

Offended

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33nnnd/only_true_feminists_will_get_this/
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What did the Nurse say when she noticed she had a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

“ Some arsehole’s got my pen.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33nkz4/what_did_the_nurse_say_when_she_noticed_she_had_a/
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Why did the tofu cross the road?

To prove it wasn't chicken. >:|

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33nkdx/why_did_the_tofu_cross_the_road/
%
are you a broken air freshener

Because you aren't  making any scents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33niuo/are_you_a_broken_air_freshener/
%
Don't join dangerous cults

Practice safe sects

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33nd7t/dont_join_dangerous_cults/
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A very hungry man is walking down the street...

...He looks into a restaurant window and sees another man staring at a bowl of chili.  The man stares and stares at the bowl, but doesn't eat any.  Finally the hungry man can't take it anymore and he goes inside, right up to the man with the chili and asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
"No," the other man replies.
So the hungry man takes the bowl of chili and starts to eat it.  He eats and eat and is almost finished when he realizes there is a mouse at the bottom of the bowl.  This disgusts him so much that he vomits everything he ate back into the bowl.
The other man turns to him and says, "that's as far as I got."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33n3dw/a_very_hungry_man_is_walking_down_the_street/
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You can't really blame Nixon . . .

All he had were Dick moves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33mzo6/you_cant_really_blame_nixon/
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I used to think I was homophobic.

It turns out that I was just afraid of monsters in the closet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33mxfk/i_used_to_think_i_was_homophobic/
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TBT - What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver?

One turns in screws, one screws interns.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33muak/tbt_whats_the_difference_between_bill_clinton_and/
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Old Armenian joke.

*roughly translated, please excuse any incoherence*
A scholarly looking man is strolling around with a book under his arm and is noticed by a stranger.  The stranger (who is a musician) is curious about the book and approaches the man.
"What is that book you have there?"
"This is a philosophical book, it has taught me many things"
"Well, what have you learned from this book?"
*the man, noticing the stranger's dragging a violin case*
"For example, do you play the violin?"
The stranger replies "Yes"
"Well then, you must like music"
"Yes"
"Which means you also like clubs"
"Yes, i do"
"Well, when you go to a club, you drink"
"That's correct"
"And when you drink, you enjoy dancing with pretty girls"
"Why yes!"
"So it follows that you are certainly not gay"
"Wow! That's amazing! I'd love to buy that book from you.  Name your price!"
So they negotiate terms and the man sells the book to the stranger.  So the stranger begins strolling around with the book under his arms.  One day he's approached by another.  Curiously, he asks "What is that book you're strolling around with?"
"This a philosophical book, it has many things to teach"
"Well, tell me, what have you learned from this book?"
*the man with the book thinks for a moment*
"Do you play the violin?"
"No, I don't"
"Well then you must be gay"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33mr9e/old_armenian_joke/
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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Until the library kicked me out....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33mmux/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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Donations

Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations
for a community swimming pool."
Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33mmmo/donations/
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Americans won't get this

Free healthcare

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33mlcn/americans_wont_get_this/
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You gotta hand it to the blind prostitute. ..

...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33mkur/you_gotta_hand_it_to_the_blind_prostitute/
%
Why did the can crusher hate his job?

Because it was soda pressing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33miay/why_did_the_can_crusher_hate_his_job/
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A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...

The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats".
The social worker yells out: "Women & children first!"
The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!"
The priest responds: "Do we have time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33mia5/a_lawyer_priest_and_social_worker_are_on_a_ship/
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At a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness...

..,an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me … You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you …"
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. ..Yes I know him." The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for contempt of court.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33mh9o/at_a_trial_a_smalltown_prosecuting_attorney/
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Two mechanics are talking, and one says to the other "Hey, I found this car part in the dump, I think it might be from an old limo."

The other mechanic inspects the part and replies, "Eh, I dunno, that might be a bit of a stretch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33m735/two_mechanics_are_talking_and_one_says_to_the/
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the “P” is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33m6bq/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
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Skydiving without a parachute...

Is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I heard this on a spotify ad and it cracked me up. I thought I'd share it.:)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33m65f/skydiving_without_a_parachute/
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What do you get when you put 50 Politicians in a room with 50 lesbians?

100 cunts that don't do dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33m63a/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_50_politicians_in_a/
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What do Jewish pedophiles say to kids?

Hey, wanna buy some candy?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33m60j/what_do_jewish_pedophiles_say_to_kids/
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After sex last night...

...my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had". Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33m4im/after_sex_last_night/
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I hate my job...

My job is so fucking unbelievable.
I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
Disclaimer: Reposted from 5 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33m3o0/i_hate_my_job/
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EINSTEINIUM

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.
"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer
"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33m1ws/einsteinium/
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I've always stood up for black people..

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33m0gm/ive_always_stood_up_for_black_people/
%
The Calbuco volcano is very hot right now...

But everything around it is Chile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33lzu4/the_calbuco_volcano_is_very_hot_right_now/
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What do you call pickled bread?

Dildo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33lrdu/what_do_you_call_pickled_bread/
%
What do you get when you cross a lion with a stone?

Killed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33lq7a/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_lion_with_a_stone/
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A man breaks down in front of a monastary

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33lm8f/a_man_breaks_down_in_front_of_a_monastary/
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Why was the jacket stinky?

Because it was a windbreaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33lle6/why_was_the_jacket_stinky/
%
What do you call a lizard who can't easily have sex?

A reptile dysfunction

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ll8m/what_do_you_call_a_lizard_who_cant_easily_have_sex/
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90s kids won't get this . . .

Social Security benefits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ljbh/90s_kids_wont_get_this/
%
Two mice chewing on a film roll

One of them goes, "I think the book was better"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33lihf/two_mice_chewing_on_a_film_roll/
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John learning Math

Teacher was teaching math to 5 yr old John.
Teacher: What is 5 - 5?
John: *Keeps Quiet*
Teacher: If you have 5 burgers and I take 5 burgers from you, what will you be left with?
John: French Fries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33leax/john_learning_math/
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A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe...

..He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, maths and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33l8ep/a_professor_is_sent_to_darkest_africa_to_live/
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What do you call a midget fortune teller that just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33l5h8/what_do_you_call_a_midget_fortune_teller_that/
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My buddy was dating twins...

I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33l2g8/my_buddy_was_dating_twins/
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33l27a/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_yesterday/
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What do you call a muslim on a plane?

A passenger
...
You racist bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33l06q/what_do_you_call_a_muslim_on_a_plane/
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An old man told me about a brothel.

I was sitting at a bar one evening and an old man walked in, sat down beside me and ordered a drink. After a few minutes he tapped me on the shoulder and pointed out the window to a building on top of a hill.
"That's a brothel. You can tell the ethnicity of the men going there based on where they are. The man going into the brothel, he's Russian. The man leaving, he's Finnish."
"What about the man inside the brothel?" I asked.
"That man? Himalayan"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33kum5/an_old_man_told_me_about_a_brothel/
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Science Jokes

Molecule 1: I just lost an electron.
Molecule 2: Are you sure?
Molecule 1: I’m positive
Newton, Pascal and Archimedes are playing hide and seek. Archimedes starts to count, Pascal hides in a bush, and Newton draws a square on the ground and steps into it. Archimedes finds Newton first, of course, but Newton replies, “Nope. One Newton on one square meter is equal to one Pascal.”
When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like, “O MG!”
-Techinverted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ksht/science_jokes/
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What do you call an existential lycanthrope?

A whywolf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33kqsu/what_do_you_call_an_existential_lycanthrope/
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A man is being arrested by a female police officer

she informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."
"Anything?" he asks with a smirk
"Anything."
"Tits please"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33kma1/a_man_is_being_arrested_by_a_female_police_officer/
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Dimension Dummies

The zero(th), first, second, third, and fourth dimension go to a party. A guy comes over and says "can I tell you guys a joke?" The fourth dimension says "No, I don't have time for that." The second dimension says "Chill, bro, you're acting so plain." The first dimension says "Hey guys, you're crossing the line." The third dimension says "Yeah, give him some space." "You've got a point," adds the zero(th) dimension. "Damn dimensions," says the guy "always plotting something."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33kloa/dimension_dummies/
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Recently asked my North Korean buddy how it was over there...

He said he couldn't complain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33klg3/recently_asked_my_north_korean_buddy_how_it_was/
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Once upon a time, there was this redneck who decided to go hunting...

..After a full day of hunting, he didn't kill anything so he decided to pack up and go home when all of a sudden, he sees a bear and decides to shoot it. He fires one shot, but misses. The bear comes up to him and says, "You just tried to kill me!" But the redneck says "no, my gun went off by itself" , but the bear does not believe him and says, "Now I'm gonna fuck you in the ass."
So after the bear is done with the redneck, the redneck says, " fuckin bear, I'm gonna kill you." and fires again..But he misses for a second time. The bear comes up to him and says, " You just tried to kill me again!"And the redneck says "no, I dropped my gun and it went off again". The bear doesn't believe him and says, " I'm gonna make you suck my dick."
So after the bear is done with him he leaves, and the redneck is real mad and fires a third time. But again he misses. So the bear comes up to him and says, " You didn't come here to hunt, did you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33kj1a/once_upon_a_time_there_was_this_redneck_who/
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There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence...

As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well, that’s a little condescending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33khpu/there_was_a_prison_break_and_i_saw_a_midget_climb/
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I'm calling it now: I'm going to discover the cure for blindness and make billions of dollars someday.

You'll all see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33kclb/im_calling_it_now_im_going_to_discover_the_cure/
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Project Manager Humor

Why do Vampires make poor project managers?
Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders.
(why yes, I am a dad why do you ask?)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33kbw7/project_manager_humor/
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When do you kick a midget in the balls?

When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33kad3/when_do_you_kick_a_midget_in_the_balls/
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What did the Mexican Fire Chief name his two sons?

Jose and Hose B.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33k9ew/what_did_the_mexican_fire_chief_name_his_two_sons/
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What do you call frozen hamburger patties?

Burrrrrrgers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33k9ct/what_do_you_call_frozen_hamburger_patties/
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What do you call an abusive pothead?

A weed whacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33k984/what_do_you_call_an_abusive_pothead/
%
Why do men struggle to urinate with an erection?

It's just too hard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33k7wn/why_do_men_struggle_to_urinate_with_an_erection/
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Did you hear about the Chinese guy who moved to America and turned white?

He was really disoriented.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33k6wn/did_you_hear_about_the_chinese_guy_who_moved_to/
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What's E.T. Short for?

Cause he's got small legs......

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33k5qn/whats_et_short_for/
%
A blonde is speeding down the highway...

When a female officer, another blonde, spots her and pulls her over. She asks the driver for her license...
Blonde driver says, "What's that?"
Blonde Officer : "Its a square with your face on it."
The blonde driver ruffles through her bag and after a few seconds produces a square make-up mirror and hands it to the blonde officer. The officer looks into the mirror and says to the driver, "Why didn't you tell me you were a cop? I woulda let you go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33k5o7/a_blonde_is_speeding_down_the_highway/
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Two Drunk kids driving home

Two Drunk guys are driving home....
One of them suddenly shouts "Tree... TREE!! .. TREE!!! ... WATCH OUT !!! ... TREEEEEEE!!!! ....."..
And Boom! they crash into a tree.
The next day they wake up in the hospital.
The first one goes "Dude, I was screaming so hard for you to watch out for that tree.. Could you not hear me? Could you not SEE It?!!!! "
The other guy goes "Dude... It was YOU driving the CAR!!! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33k3x5/two_drunk_kids_driving_home/
%
What is the people mover in Detroit?

A bulldozer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33k397/what_is_the_people_mover_in_detroit/
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A man goes to prison...

The first night he is in prison he hears someone yell out, "58!" and everyone in his cell block bursts out in laughter. The next morning at breakfast he asks another prisoner why everyone laughed when someone yelled "58". The other prisoner said that the same jokes get handed around and end up being assigned numbers. After a few months he had learned a good bit of these jokes and one night yells out "36!", which he knows is a particularly funny joke but is met by dead silence. The next morning he asks one of his fellow prisoners why no one laughed, since it is a particularly funny joke. The prisoner replied, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33jwul/a_man_goes_to_prison/
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Mrs. Piggy

Q. Why does Mrs. Piggy douche with honey? A. Because Kermit the frog likes sweet and sour pork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33jttt/mrs_piggy/
%
Do you have small pox?

Because your face looks kind apache!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33jsuh/do_you_have_small_pox/
%
In capitalist America...

bank  robs you!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33jslc/in_capitalist_america/
%
A man is setting his password to "mypenis"

Error: Not long enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33jr6x/a_man_is_setting_his_password_to_mypenis/
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Today is 4/22!

If you missed 4/20, don't worry because today is 4/22

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33jo7b/today_is_422/
%
Do you know why the feminist went to church?

She heard there was a man crucified.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33jn16/do_you_know_why_the_feminist_went_to_church/
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I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer.

I dunno what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33jaes/i_bought_a_pair_of_shoes_from_my_drug_dealer/
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A dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac...

lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33j973/a_dyslexic_agnostic_insomniac/
%
Nerd joke.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33j76h/nerd_joke/
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Air Traffic Control joke

Two pilots were talking in a bar. One asked the other what is the worst air traffic controlling he had experienced. He told the following story....We were coming into Madrid it was socked in with heavy fog and the ILS (Instrument Landing System) was out so we were getting talked down by their radar controller. He tells me I am on course and to begin my approach. He tells me when I am left or right high or low all the way down to minimums then he says the runway is ahead and I should be able to see it and I am cleared to land. Sure enough the runway was right in front. The other pilot at the bar says "Hold on that sounds like some good controlling to me !" "You think so ?"said the pilot "Have you ever tried to land on a runway 150 feet long and 6000 feet wide ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33j2j7/air_traffic_control_joke/
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Only 2010's kids will get this...

Measles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33j2c5/only_2010s_kids_will_get_this/
%
I like my women how I like my bicycle

Hanging in my garage until I want to go for a ride

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33j1ai/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_bicycle/
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‪@Men‬..bet your female friend...

‪..that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button.
You can thank me later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33iu5u/menbet_your_female_friend/
%
I wanted to throw an earth day party...

But I forgot to planet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ipem/i_wanted_to_throw_an_earth_day_party/
%
What did the older terrorist say to the younger terrorist before he headed out for a party?

Go on, have a blast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33iftk/what_did_the_older_terrorist_say_to_the_younger/
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A rich sheik's son goes to Germany to study...

...and his old man receives a letter. It says:
"Hello, father. It's great here! The people are nice, university isn't that hard, and life is pretty good. The only thing which makes me feel kind of bad is that all my friends go to school by train while I drive in my golden Ferrari."
About a week later, the son receives a letter with his father's signature on it. It reads:
"Not to worry my son, I just transferred $300 million onto your bank account. Let's not shame the family name, go ahead and buy yourself a train too."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33iea4/a_rich_sheiks_son_goes_to_germany_to_study/
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A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.

“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.” The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth. “Now do the same,” he instructs. The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it. When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33iar1/a_group_of_firstyear_medical_students_is_gathered/
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I like my coffee like I like my women.

Handed over by an eastern european immigrant who doesn't care what happens to it or expect to see it again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33i1j8/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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My wife hasn't spoken to me since I fingered her twin by mistake during a drunken dance at a wedding.

He's not happy about it either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hz35/my_wife_hasnt_spoken_to_me_since_i_fingered_her/
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A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck

and says “make me one with everything.” The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. “Where’s my change?” the monk asks. The vendor replies, “change comes from within”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hz1r/a_buddhist_monk_approaches_a_burger_foodtruck/
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My wife must think I'm a god...

She keeps giving me burnt offerings !

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hwy2/my_wife_must_think_im_a_god/
%
Whats the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hubv/whats_the_difference_between_light_and_hard/
%
Why is tomorrow like your girlfriend.

It never comes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hu4l/why_is_tomorrow_like_your_girlfriend/
%
Jesus wasn't just fit....

He was crossfit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33htx8/jesus_wasnt_just_fit/
%
The magician and parrot

magician was working on a cruise ship.
Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the fucking
boat?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hto5/the_magician_and_parrot/
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A man wakes up after a big night out

He doesn't remember getting home, let alone how he got there, but his head is throbbing. He rolls out of bed and sees a note from his wife
"Breakfast and coffee is on the table, be home later. Love you"
"Huh" he thinks "normally she's not happy when I go out drinking the night before. What's up?"
He gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen when he notices the coffee table in the living room is smashed to pieces. He asks his kid what happened
"Oh, you tripped onto it and broke it last night"
"Wtf" he thinks "Why did she make me breakfast and leave a nice note if I did that...? Something is up"
He goes towards the kitchen when he notices the plant by the front door is knocked over, dirt all over the front porch. Again, he asks his kid what happened
"you knocked it over trying to open the door last night"
"FFFFUUUUUU" He thinks, realizing his wife must be waiting to unleash when she gets home "What else did I do last night?"
"Just one other thing, when mom tried to take your pants off and get you into bed you flipped out and started screaming "GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! I'M MARRIED!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hpue/a_man_wakes_up_after_a_big_night_out/
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There's only one stereotype I like

Sony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hllv/theres_only_one_stereotype_i_like/
%
What does Tony Romo and a porn star have in common?

They both know how to choke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hkk3/what_does_tony_romo_and_a_porn_star_have_in_common/
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My Gf: What colour are my eyes?

Me: 34C.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hg1p/my_gf_what_colour_are_my_eyes/
%
A mans driving and sees a sign.

Sign says if you can make my horse laugh il give you a million dollars. So guy pulls in and makes the horse laugh. Owner of the horse ask how did you do that. Guy says i will tell you another time. About a month later same guy is driving and sees another sign in the same plot that says, if you can make my horse cry il give you a million dollars. So the guy pulls in and makes the horse cry. Owner of the horse says how do you do it. Guy says will first i said my dick was bigger then his. Second time i showed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hf3s/a_mans_driving_and_sees_a_sign/
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The Woods

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
Boy “Hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared,”
Man “How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hdjl/the_woods/
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I don't get sports lingo.

It's always offsides this, penalty that, murder this, sexual assault that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hcnq/i_dont_get_sports_lingo/
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Two married men were at the bar...

...the one looks at the clock and tells his friend, "I'm not looking forward to going home.  My wife is going to chew me out again for being away drinking so late.  Every time I'm out like this I try to sneak back home and into bed without waking her so she doesn't know how late I've been out.  I turn off the car and coast into the driveway.  I take off my shoes and enter through the side door.  I even get changed in the bathroom and then try to slip into bed unnoticed.  But she always wakes up and then I have to stay awake and give appropriate answers for the next 30 minutes of angry lecture."
"I never have that problem." says the friend.  "I roar into the driveway and bring the car to a screeching halt, slam the front door shut as I come in, throw open the bedroom door, jump in bed with her and slap her butt and say, 'Guess who's horny?!' and then she pretends to be asleep."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hbvj/two_married_men_were_at_the_bar/
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Why didn't the cheese get sliced?

It was destined for grater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33hadw/why_didnt_the_cheese_get_sliced/
%
A Higgs Boson walks into a church.

The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33h9qu/a_higgs_boson_walks_into_a_church/
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Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female...

The female egg says "Oh my, look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg, "I'm not even hard yet"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33h98h/two_eggs_boiling_in_a_pan_one_male_and_one_female/
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Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world...

After her talk she offers question  time.
One little boy puts up his hand.
Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions:
First - whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
And, Third -whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume  Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different boy-little Johnny--puts his hand up; Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny."
"And what is your question, Johnny?"
"I have five questions:
First - whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third- whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And, Fifth - where's Kenneth? "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33h90y/hillary_clinton_goes_to_a_giftedstudent_primary/
%
My wife said she'd like another baby...

... I agreed, the one we have is fucking annoying!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33h583/my_wife_said_shed_like_another_baby/
%
A man and his beautiful new wife get in a car accident...

The man escapes with minor injuries but the woman goes into a coma.  After a few days by her side two nurses come in to give her a sponge bath and the husband leaves the room.  When the nurses get around to cleaning her vagina, they notice her finger twitching.  They don't think much of it at first, but after a few days of noticing the same thing, they bring an idea to the husband.
"She seems to respond to stimulation of her vagina.  Maybe if you...you know...did oral...she would come out of the coma," said one of the nurses.  The husband thinks about it and decides why not.  The nurses wait outside, and after a few minutes the husband emerges.
"What happened?" they asked.  The husband indicates that his wife has passed.  "How could that have happened?" asked a nurse frantically.  "I'm not sure," the husband replied, "but I think she choked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33h4x6/a_man_and_his_beautiful_new_wife_get_in_a_car/
%
What is the worst part of being a pedophile?

Fitting in.
No? Too old for childish jokes? Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33h4q5/what_is_the_worst_part_of_being_a_pedophile/
%
A man walks into a bar...

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish. The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside. Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed "I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks. "The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33h37v/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
As I arrived at work this morning, I saw a flower delivery truck parked outside my building, and a guy was frantically taking flowers from the truck to inside and was in an obvious hurry, so I encouraged him by shouting...

"Run, florist, run!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33h2g9/as_i_arrived_at_work_this_morning_i_saw_a_flower/
%
What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33h1x6/what_does_a_girl_want_more_than_anything_in_the/
%
What's the difference between OP and a Pregnant woman?

She delivers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33h1jm/whats_the_difference_between_op_and_a_pregnant/
%
What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

a tire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33h1cm/what_is_the_difference_between_a_sharply_dressed/
%
My doctor wanted a stool sample a urine sample and a semen sample.

So I gave him my underwear.
Classic Rodney D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33h1a9/my_doctor_wanted_a_stool_sample_a_urine_sample/
%
My girlfriend is a porn star..

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33h05p/my_girlfriend_is_a_porn_star/
%
Why is it easy to talk to people who earn little pay?

Because they make cents!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gyfo/why_is_it_easy_to_talk_to_people_who_earn_little/
%
I like my whiskey how I like my women...

Fifteen years old and mixed up with coke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gxv1/i_like_my_whiskey_how_i_like_my_women/
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I've always wondered why Rolf Harris never played any string instruments

But I guess he figured out other ways to finger a minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gv84/ive_always_wondered_why_rolf_harris_never_played/
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Did you hear about the Quasimodo look alike contest?

The police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33guop/did_you_hear_about_the_quasimodo_look_alike/
%
My relationship is complex

part real, part imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gu9u/my_relationship_is_complex/
%
A man came home late and very drunk.

His wife was waiting for him. " you've been kissing someone, haven't you?" She shouted at him.
"No" he answered back.
"Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."
"That's easy," he said. "I used my shirt to wipe my dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gtqq/a_man_came_home_late_and_very_drunk/
%
Why did Hitler really kill himself

because he couldn't pay his gas bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gszz/why_did_hitler_really_kill_himself/
%
What the hell is Laser Hair

And why does everybody want it removed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gsss/what_the_hell_is_laser_hair/
%
What do you call a crippled kid locked in a hot car?

Steamed Vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gspi/what_do_you_call_a_crippled_kid_locked_in_a_hot/
%
Know why you can't play bingo with Japanese people

They all scramble for cover when you call B-29.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gs6y/know_why_you_cant_play_bingo_with_japanese_people/
%
Did you hear about the man who burnt down a field full of beans?

He really razed some pulses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33grbw/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_burnt_down_a_field/
%
There is a dance for people with odd birth defects

There was a dance for people with odd birth defects and after awhile everybody is having a good time and dancing but their two people didn't have anyone to dance with, a girl with sideways lips and a guy with a wooden eye. So the guy says screw it I'll ask her if she wants to dance and he walks up to her and asks her, "hey do you want to dance" and the girl shocked to be asked replies "would i!" He then replies "Your not that good looking either cunt lips"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gqyk/there_is_a_dance_for_people_with_odd_birth_defects/
%
For some reason I always cry during sex.

I'm starting to think it might be the pepper spray.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gqea/for_some_reason_i_always_cry_during_sex/
%
Why dont they have Drivers Education and Sex Education class on the same day in Iran

Because it would kill the camel

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gmty/why_dont_they_have_drivers_education_and_sex/
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The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gi4w/the_vaccine_conspiracy/
%
So a man walks into a bar.

So a man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:
"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scoarching weather, but do they call me "McGregor the bridge builder"? No! And you see that pier over there, I built that, best pier in the county! But do they call me "McGregor the pier builder"? No!"
The old guy looks around, and makes sure that nobody is listening, and leans to the man, and he says:
"but you fuck one goat..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33geuq/so_a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gcwh/what_did_the_conductor_do_when_half_of_the_cello/
%
Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives?

For shits and giggles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33gbq4/know_why_i_make_my_pot_brownies_with_chocolate/
%
A vampire walks into a bar...

and orders a glass of blood, the bartender thinks its a bit odd, but gets him what he wants anyway.
The vampire drinks it, drops a good tip on the table and leaves. This happens for a good week or two and the bartender is getting quite used to seeing him in the bar when one day the vampire comes in, sits down at the bar. The bartender asks, "The usual?"
"No, actually can I have some hot water?" the vampire says. The bartender gives him a questioning look, and the vampire holds up a bloody tampon and says, "Tea time!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33g7uu/a_vampire_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A new monk.

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate not celibate," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33g6ad/a_new_monk/
%
There are 10 types of people in this world...

Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who didn't expect this joke to be in base 3.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33g5yq/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Why do midgets wear short dresses?

So they can show off a little leg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33g109/why_do_midgets_wear_short_dresses/
%
Tombstones

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33fz68/tombstones/
%
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33fz5r/a_newlywed_couple_moves_into_their_new_house/
%
Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench

A man walks up in a trenchcoat and flashes them. The first lady has a stroke, the second lady couldn't quite reach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33fxvx/two_old_ladies_are_sitting_on_a_park_bench/
%
A Young Man Graduates From High School

And he is deciding whether to join the Air Force or go to college. His father was in the Air Force, and strongly suggested that his son join as well.
The son decided on the Air Force. Six months go by, and he got his first leave and returned home.
His father asked, "How is the Air Force?".
The son replied, "It's okay. The first jump was really hard, though. I got to the front of the line, and I froze. The drill instructor pulled me back and yelled at me, and put me at the back of the line again.".
The father asked, "So what happened then?".
The son replied, " I got to the front again, and again I froze. The drill instructor said I had two options: jump or he was going to f*** me up the ass".
The father asked, "So did you jump?".
To which the son replied, "A little, at first...".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33fxqr/a_young_man_graduates_from_high_school/
%
What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33fxfv/whats_the_difference_between_being_hungry_and/
%
So a man gets shanghaied by pirates...

So a man gets shanghaied by pirates, and they put him to work. Life isn't bad for him, steady work a cut of the booty, but after the third day, he starts to feel uncomfortable, having had a healthy sex life back home, and if not with women, he at least could wank one out if the going got tough, but on the pirate ship without any privacy he began to feel the tension building.
So he approaches the first mate, saying, "There's not much privacy around here, what do I do to, you know, relieve my urges."
The first mate just points to a barrel, and says, "Simply put your dick in the hole in that barrel, and rub one out. It's what it's there for."
Pleased, the man asks, "So I can just do this anytime I want?"
The first mate checks a list, and replies, "Any day but Saturday."
"Why not Saturday?" asks the man.
The first mate says, "That's your day in the barrel."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33fvcx/so_a_man_gets_shanghaied_by_pirates/
%
Confucius says - He who goes to bed with itchy butt

Wake up with stinky fingers.
Just remembered this from when I was 13

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33fv4o/confucius_says_he_who_goes_to_bed_with_itchy_butt/
%
What's the definition of "Trust"?

Two cannibals giving each other head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33fsyy/whats_the_definition_of_trust/
%
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant...

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33frgp/two_hillbillies_walk_into_a_restaurant/
%
An older couple is leaving for a trip to Hawaii

So today was the day. Dave and Margie were boarding the plane on their long awaited trip to Hawaii. They take their seats and the pilot announces "our trip today will be about 5 hours and the weather report is very good, so just sit back and relax". And not knowing his mic was still on the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says:" hey I could really use a blowjob and a cup of coffee right about now". Judy the flight attendant hears this and goes running down the aisle for the cockpit and runs past Dave, who then yells:"Mam!!!! You forgot the coffee"
This was and oldie a friend of mine told me awhile ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33fql4/an_older_couple_is_leaving_for_a_trip_to_hawaii/
%
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Use lubricant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33flrp/what_do_you_do_if_your_girlfriend_starts_smoking/
%
My wife and I only smoke after sex; I've had the same pack since 2003.

She's up to three packs a day.
Rodney Dangerfield

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33fjb0/my_wife_and_i_only_smoke_after_sex_ive_had_the/
%
How can you tell that the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?

Because it is not called a teethbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33fipp/how_can_you_tell_that_the_toothbrush_was_invented/
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What do you call a Mexican Gummy Bear?

¡Delici**OSO**!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33fhhg/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_gummy_bear/
%
My dad dropped this joke on a dinner with my girlfriend and I couldn't help but to bust out laughing

Girls are like public bathrooms. All the clean ones are always taken and the only ones left are so messed up and dirty you don't want to go inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33fgmu/my_dad_dropped_this_joke_on_a_dinner_with_my/
%
Mo' Engineer vs Zen master

**One**
Engineer: My heart is filled with depression
Zen master: Young man, your depression is trivial like a single line on a paper, there are still a lot of space you can fill the paper with.
The engineer drew a Peano curve.
**Two**
Engineer: Master, they say I am too edgy
Zen master: Young one, you cannot make a triangle roll.
The engineer pulled out a Reuleaux Triangle from his pocket.
**Three**
Engineer: Master, the zen master next door had a stroke!
Zen master 2: Young one, everything that lives will die eventually.  You are either live or die, embrace life
The engineer pulled out a Schrodinger's Cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ffv3/mo_engineer_vs_zen_master/
%
Irritable Bowel Syndrome is genetic.

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33faw2/irritable_bowel_syndrome_is_genetic/
%
A cowboy is drunk and leaving his local saloon...

Stumbling out the door, he finds that his horse is missing.
Quite upset, he turns around and stumbles back into the bar.
Raising his six shooter high he fires a few rounds. **BANG BANG**
The saloon goes silent, all eyes are upon him.
He speaks up loudly with a thick drawl, "Some no good rotten thief has stolen my horse. Now I am a patient man so I will go over to the bar and have one more whiskey. When I am done, my horse better be back. Or I'll have to do what I did last time my horse was stolen. And I don't like to do what I have to do when my horse is stolen."
With that he goes and drinks another whiskey as the saloon slowly returns to normal activity.
He then goes outside and his horse is back, tied to the railing where he left it.
He mounts and as he is turning his horse to go home a guy sticks his head over the saloon doors and says "Mister, Mister, what did you do last time somebody stole your horse?"
The cowboy looks back at him and says, "I had to walk home".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33f6nv/a_cowboy_is_drunk_and_leaving_his_local_saloon/
%
My coworker was eating an ice cream cone on her lunch break when she caught me staring at her

"Hey what's up?" she said
"Oh nothing.. It's just that I want to ask for something but I'm afraid you'll misunderstand me." I replied
"Haha don't worry, I won't." She said reassuringly
"I wanna lick it." I said
She quickly extends the ice cream cone to me, to which I said:
"I knew you'd misunderstand."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33f69b/my_coworker_was_eating_an_ice_cream_cone_on_her/
%
What's a math teacher's favorite TV show?

Sinefeld

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33f3kb/whats_a_math_teachers_favorite_tv_show/
%
I was in chemistry class with my lab partner...

...and asked him if he wanted some sodium bromide, but to my disappointment, he said
NaBro

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33f3bo/i_was_in_chemistry_class_with_my_lab_partner/
%
I was cumming into a sock...

when the guy wearing it was like WTF?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33f34b/i_was_cumming_into_a_sock/
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The Designated D

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33f2rq/the_designated_d/
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My Lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday.

They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33f27j/my_lesbian_neighbors_asked_me_what_i_wanted_for/
%
According to Einstein, "Everything is relative."

Sort of like the marriages in Alabama.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ezly/according_to_einstein_everything_is_relative/
%
Why did the chicken go to jail?

Fowl play.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ewub/why_did_the_chicken_go_to_jail/
%
Old Lady Laughing at The Dentist.

An old lady went in for her dental appointment and was real nervous so the dentist tries to calm her down with an interesting fact.
Dentist:"Did you know the way they used to make latex gloves is they had the factory workers stick their hands in Vats of Latex?"
The old lady nods in amusement and minutes later starts giggling.
Dentist: "What is so funny?"
Old Lady:" I was just thinking about how they used to make condoms."
(Unoriginal Joke heard on the streets).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33etvg/old_lady_laughing_at_the_dentist/
%
What do you call 5 black people having sex?

A three-some.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33esj9/what_do_you_call_5_black_people_having_sex/
%
The teacher asks all the students to draw something on the board that's exciting...

All the other kids draw rockets, jet planes, roller coasters, and so on. But little Johnny goes up to the board, draws a dot, and sits down.
The teacher says "Johnny, there's nothing exciting about a dot. How can a dot cause excitement?"
Johnny replies "That's not a dot, it's a period, and my sister just missed hers, and it's causing a lot of excitement at our house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33eruj/the_teacher_asks_all_the_students_to_draw/
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Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”
“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…
“Oh really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!”
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.
That night James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife was awakened somewhat, felt his face and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33epfk/wife_vs_girlfriend_vs_beard/
%
Someday when I am a parent, I will not vaccinate my kids...

I'll get a doctor to do it instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33emyj/someday_when_i_am_a_parent_i_will_not_vaccinate/
%
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33emox/i_never_wanted_to_believe_that_my_dad_was/
%
what is 50 feet long and only has 3 teeth?

The funnel cake line at the Arkansas state fair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33emcl/what_is_50_feet_long_and_only_has_3_teeth/
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Why were Star Wars Episodes 4, 5, and 6 released before 1, 2, and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33em1a/why_were_star_wars_episodes_4_5_and_6_released/
%
Scientific name for Viagra

Mycoxafloppin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33eled/scientific_name_for_viagra/
%
What's the difference between America and a yogurt?

After 200 years a yogurt will develop a culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33eib4/whats_the_difference_between_america_and_a_yogurt/
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A cruise ship passed a tiny, isolated island.

Everyone on board could see a bearded man on the island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"
"I have no idea," said the Captain, "but every year when we pass by here, he goes nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ehwf/a_cruise_ship_passed_a_tiny_isolated_island/
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Ever since I downloaded AdBlock on my computer...

All the local girls in my area seem to have lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33eay0/ever_since_i_downloaded_adblock_on_my_computer/
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What does a black guy and a tornado have in common?

It takes only one to ruin a good neighborhood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33e7nq/what_does_a_black_guy_and_a_tornado_have_in_common/
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I like my coffee like I like my woman.

Cold and bitter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33e5am/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_woman/
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God and China

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth...  After that, everything else was Made in China.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33e4p3/god_and_china/
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I like my coffee like I like my women...

Sent back if it's not hot enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33e2fn/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_women/
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My chemistry professor e-mailed this joke to me.

***A joke from my chemistry professor:***
There is a far-off place that consists of a triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.
The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own.
The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.
The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.
In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.
The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.
It just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides​.
***BONUS***: Today in class, my professor (who earned his PhD at age 30) was discussing thermodynamics and such, when he uttered the phrase, "Cold is not dark."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33dz8q/my_chemistry_professor_emailed_this_joke_to_me/
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You heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn't spread it...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33dt5v/you_heard_the_rumor_going_around_about_butter/
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I told my friends that I'm going for a date with a gorgeous girl, and they teased me that she's imaginary.

Joke's on them, they are too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33dsr3/i_told_my_friends_that_im_going_for_a_date_with_a/
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Girls are a lot like sleeping bags.

I really like being inside them, and they cost about $200.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33dr8j/girls_are_a_lot_like_sleeping_bags/
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I just got married to a young woman from Thailand and she told me that a small penis is okay.

I still wish she didn't have one though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33dqs6/i_just_got_married_to_a_young_woman_from_thailand/
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What do people call Mozart and Beethoven after they died?

Decomposers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33di8s/what_do_people_call_mozart_and_beethoven_after/
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A guy goes into a bar...

He sits and ask for 2 beers. After he finished them, he take something in his pocket, look at it, put it back and ask for 2 more beers. After he finished them, he did the same process and ask for 2 more beers.
After he did it 4 more times, the bartender intrigued ask the guy what's in his pocket.
- Ohh its just a picture of my wive! When i'm drunk enough to find her attractive I know it's time to go home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33dh3d/a_guy_goes_into_a_bar/
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Interesting accents!

3 hefty women walk into a restaurant, and sit down at a table. The server comes to take their drink orders. When they're done ordering he says, "What an interesting accent! Are you broads from Scotland?"
One woman looks at him with surprise and disgust and says, "WALES!"
The bartender says, "Okay, fine. Are you whales from Scotland?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33dh10/interesting_accents/
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Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having sex. He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33dehm/two_elderly_ladies_are_smoking_outside/
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My favorite pirate joke

A pirate walks into a bar with a huge wooden ships wheel stuck down the front of his pants, as he waddles up to the bar the bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that thing bother you?"
To which the pirate replies, "Gaarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33deav/my_favorite_pirate_joke/
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How many times is this guy going to fall down the stairs?

Until he sticks the landing.  Full story---> I could hardly sleep last night because two of my tenants were up all night drinking and taking their medicine.  As he was trying to take a cab to his doctors appointment, he fell down the stairs.  I didnt want to move him in case his head or neck was messed up, so I made sure he was okay and waited for the EMT's.  I had to take a photo because I knew my family wouldnt believe me.  I put it in our family group text, to which my brother in law says, "how many times is this guy going to fall down the stairs?" (it has happened before) My sister, without missing a beat, texts, "until he sticks the landing hahaha...too soon?"
http://imgur.com/DsTxUyi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ddr6/how_many_times_is_this_guy_going_to_fall_down_the/
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Four old women were sitting on a bench

There were four old women sitting on a bench, minding there own business. When out of no where a streaker runs up to them and stops in front if the bench.  Three of the women suffer a heart attack,  the fourth has a stroke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33dcr3/four_old_women_were_sitting_on_a_bench/
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What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33dc6v/what_do_spinach_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
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Went to the hardwear store today...

They could really use some fabric softener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33daf4/went_to_the_hardwear_store_today/
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33d8d4/a_young_blonde_woman_is_distraught_because_she/
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Why was Hitler better than Jesus (offensive)? Belated Hitler birthday joke!

Jesus may have fed 5,000 people with a few loaves of bread and fish, but Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33d6iq/why_was_hitler_better_than_jesus_offensive/
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I asked my girlfriend if she could wake me up with oral sex.

I woke up to her sitting on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33d5p3/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_she_could_wake_me_up/
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The wife came home from the Doctor...

She tells her husband "The Doctor says my problem is I'm not getting enough sex. He says I should have sex 5 times a month."
"OK." her husband says "Put me down for 2."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33d39z/the_wife_came_home_from_the_doctor/
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Last night my Professor told me to read Bartleby the Scrivner...

I would prefer not to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33d16u/last_night_my_professor_told_me_to_read_bartleby/
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A young man visits his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

He and his girlfriend's father are sitting in the living room while the girls make dinner. At the foot of the boyfriend's chair lies the family dog, Rover. After a few minutes, the young man feels the uge to fart. Unable to hold it in, he attempts to let it out silently, but it comes out audible.
"Rover!" Yells the father.
Feeling relieved the dog was blamed, the young man let's another rip, this time a bit louder.
"ROVER!" Yells the father again.
Feeling one last wave of gas, the boyfriend let's out a nasty, wet, stinker.
"ROVER, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ALL OVER YOU! "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33czs2/a_young_man_visits_his_girlfriends_parents_for/
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My girlfriend always wakes up with a huge smile on her face.

Goddamnit, I love my Sharpie!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33cyq6/my_girlfriend_always_wakes_up_with_a_huge_smile/
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Little Johnny sees his mum in the bath...

He points between her legs and asks, "What is that, mummy?" His mum replies, "Johnny, that is where the crazy man hit me with an ax." Johnny replies, "Fucking good shot! He got you right in the cunt!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33cxd8/little_johnny_sees_his_mum_in_the_bath/
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They say you get closer to God when you die..

because you stop existing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33cw15/they_say_you_get_closer_to_god_when_you_die/
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For me, getting girls is like spreading butter...

It's much easier with a knife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33cusm/for_me_getting_girls_is_like_spreading_butter/
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The Monk Story with a great suspense.

This has really a great suspense...!!!!!
A man is driving down the road  and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed  but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth  and tell us how many blades of grass  there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth  and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door  where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door  made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key  from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key  to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end  .
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed  to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33cuie/the_monk_story_with_a_great_suspense/
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Asian guy and black guy at the lake of ancestry

This black guy was walking by a lake. Sitting next to the lake was an old Chinese guy skipping stones off the water.
The black guy walks up and says "Hey man, what are you doing"?
The Chinese man says "Check this out! Skip a rock across the lake and it will tell you your ancestry."
He skips a rock across and it makes a sound of "Ching --- Pang --- Pow"
The black guy was amazed. "Let me try that" he says.
The black guy picked up a stone and skipped across the water. Chim---Pan-Ze was the sound. "BULL SHIT" he said and threw another…Chim---Pan-Ze again. Really pissed now, he picked up the largest rock he could and threw it into the water… Ba---Boon!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33cto7/asian_guy_and_black_guy_at_the_lake_of_ancestry/
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Today feminists asked me how I view lesbians

Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ctbk/today_feminists_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbians/
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What does love mean to a tennis player?

Nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ct7g/what_does_love_mean_to_a_tennis_player/
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A cat falls into water, which makes the rooster laugh

Moral of the story: a wet pussy makes a happy cock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33cp8a/a_cat_falls_into_water_which_makes_the_rooster/
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves...

Free!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33coj8/i_like_my_coffee_like_i_like_my_slaves/
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This hot weather...

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the crop tops and short skirts...
Although it does make me look a bit gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33coi7/this_hot_weather/
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How do you get a goldfish's attention?

A U!  Fish!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33cnbo/how_do_you_get_a_goldfishs_attention/
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How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Idk, its too dark to tell them apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33cmpq/how_many_black_people_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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What do you call it when a redhead goes nuts?

A ginger snap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33cjsb/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_redhead_goes_nuts/
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How do you get a blonde to marry you?

Tell her she's pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33cf03/how_do_you_get_a_blonde_to_marry_you/
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I like my women like I like my coffee....

Ground up and in the freezer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ceqc/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A farmer named Paddy had an accident...

He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot  solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what
happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor
interrupted.  'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at
the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da
trailer and I was drivin' down da road..... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said:  'Your
Honour, I am trying to establish the facts: at the scene of
the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he
was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly
interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor:  'I'd
like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,
Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded:   'Well as I
was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de
trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge
Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign
and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one
ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old
Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in
hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock would you say?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ceov/a_farmer_named_paddy_had_an_accident/
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How does a black women tell she is pregnant?

When she pulls the tampon out and the cotton is already picked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33cdvw/how_does_a_black_women_tell_she_is_pregnant/
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Did you hear about the woman who discovered that her husband had dendrophilia on their wedding night?

...She had to beat him off with a stick.
[^^^Dendrophilia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dendrophilia_%28paraphilia%29)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ccqc/did_you_hear_about_the_woman_who_discovered_that/
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I know skinny jeans are fashionable...

But as a slightly chubby man, I just can't seem to be able to pull them off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33cagt/i_know_skinny_jeans_are_fashionable/
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What's black and white and red all over?

Schindler's List

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33cabw/whats_black_and_white_and_red_all_over/
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Place urine sample here for diagnosis. [Long Joke]

A man walks into a doctor's surgery with a sore elbow. The receptionist tells him there is a one hour wait, so he sits down in the waiting area and starts looking around sheepishly and wondering whether his minor problem is worth such a wait for a diagnosis.
In the corner of the room he notices a machine that says "place urine sample here for diagnosis". Curious, the man walks over. The instructions on the machine say to place a urine sample in a recess in the machine, and it will near-instantly provide a 100% accurate diagnosis of any medical problems. The man thinks to himself "What's the worst that can happen? it's just a sore elbow", so takes a cup into the toilets and gets a sample ready. He puts it in the machine, and presses the button. The machine whirrs for a second then spits out a short receipt. The man holds it up to his face.
YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW.
REST THE ELBOW AND USE ICE TO REDUCE INFLAMMATION
The man is impressed, but now decides he wants to try and trick the machine.
He returns home, and gets urine samples from his cat, dog, wife and daughter. For good measure, he gets some motor oil from his car, and finally, masturbates into the cup as well.
He takes the cup of foul mixture back to the doctor's surgery and places it in the machine before pressing the button.
The machine makes R2-D2 noises for what feels like minutes, then finally spits out a long receipt.
YOUR CAT IS FINE
YOUR DOG IS FINE
YOUR WIFE HAS HERPES
YOUR DAUGHTER IS PREGNANT
YOUR ENGINE IS GOING TO BREAK
AND IF YOU WANT YOUR TENNIS ELBOW TO GET BETTER YOU SHOULD STOP MASTURBATING

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33c8fi/place_urine_sample_here_for_diagnosis_long_joke/
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Bad joke I made but thought it was clever in 4th grade

What do you get when you slice ice cream?
Slice cream!
... I think I'll join the reposting group now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33c7lc/bad_joke_i_made_but_thought_it_was_clever_in_4th/
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Where would you find the scientist who loved to f$@k dogs?

In the lab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33c2yi/where_would_you_find_the_scientist_who_loved_to/
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A man at a pub told me that he has no anus

I told him he's full of shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33bzvs/a_man_at_a_pub_told_me_that_he_has_no_anus/
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How can you tell the difference between normal and self-raising flour?

One has parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33bylu/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_normal/
%
Jokes about death penalty..

.. Are all about execution.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33byd1/jokes_about_death_penalty/
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Why couldn't the children see their father after his sex change?

Because he was trans-parent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33by4b/why_couldnt_the_children_see_their_father_after/
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My wife claims to be very good at yoga...

but I think she's just a poser.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33bsii/my_wife_claims_to_be_very_good_at_yoga/
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A programmer went to go grocery shopping.

He called his wife and asked what was needed.
His wife said: "You need to get 2 loaves of bread. Oh, and also, if there's eggs, buy a dozen."
So he came home with a dozen loaves of bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33bi7d/a_programmer_went_to_go_grocery_shopping/
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A termite walks into a bar

Steps up to the counter, knocks on it and asks "Is the bartender here?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33bflv/a_termite_walks_into_a_bar/
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A priest is waiting at the gates of heaven

In front of him in line is an old man in well worn jeans and an equally worn leather jacket. The old man get's to the front of the line and St. Peter says "state your name and occupation please"
He says "Simon Burch, NYC taxi driver for 30 years"
St. Peter checks his list and smiles, "here" he says "take this silk robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of Heaven"
Seeing this, the priest comes up and, when asked, booms "I am Robert Eaton, Servant of the Lord and Priest for the last 50 years"
St. Peter checks his list "Ahh yes, here. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven"
"There must be some mistake" says the priest "I spent my whole life serving the Lord, why would that taxi driver get better treatment than me?"
St. Peter looks back at the taxi driver and chuckles
"Oh" he says "Up here we go by results"
"When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33bd13/a_priest_is_waiting_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
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I'm American, and I'm fed up of people saying that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33bbga/im_american_and_im_fed_up_of_people_saying_that/
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Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?

Because if he didn't, he'd be called Ewar Woowar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33bb2b/why_does_edward_woodward_have_so_many_ds_in_his/
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Went to the hardware store today...

I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.
Old man says "nope, it'll kill em"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ba7k/went_to_the_hardware_store_today/
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I celebrated 4/20 on January 5th.

I know how to reduce fractions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33b9li/i_celebrated_420_on_january_5th/
%
I don't like Nazi jokes...

...they're far beyond Mein Kampfort zone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33b7x4/i_dont_like_nazi_jokes/
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My gay friend told me he's spending this 4/20 with his boyfriend.

He said, "After all, the Bible says 'Two men who lie together shall be stoned'."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33b28x/my_gay_friend_told_me_hes_spending_this_420_with/
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Why is 6 afraid of 7

Why is six afraid of seven?
Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.
Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33azkf/why_is_6_afraid_of_7/
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One last time

Three gay men are mourning the death of their common lover. They decide to split the ashes between then to be spread as they wished.
The first says "I'm going to cast his ashes into the ocean because some of the best times of my life were with him walking along the beach".
The second says "I'm going to take his ashes to our favorite camping spot where we hiked and watched countless sunsets together".
The third says "I'm going to sprinkle his ashes in a bowl of hot chili".
The first two looked puzzled and disgusted.  "Why!?" They asked.
"So he can tear my asshole up one last time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ayp2/one_last_time/
%
My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up.  What should I do?’  ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer.  ‘Nope,’ replied the man.  ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer.  ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely.  That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33awrn/my_neighbour_owes_me_500_and_he_wont_pay_up/
%
Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo.

As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection."What's that, Mummy?" asks the child."Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?""That, son, is the elephant's penis.""Mummy said it was nothing.""Your mother's spoiled, Son!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33at5b/mummy_takes_little_johnny_to_the_zoo/
%
Today a feminist asked me 'how I view lesbian relationships?'

Apparently in HD wasn't the right answer..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33as8f/today_a_feminist_asked_me_how_i_view_lesbian/
%
This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know
what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doing' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who
keeps answering all my questions."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ar7z/this_could_happen_to_you/
%
Is there a problem officer?

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. *The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun*.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ans0/is_there_a_problem_officer/
%
What state has the best small sized soft drink?

Minisoda

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ammx/what_state_has_the_best_small_sized_soft_drink/
%
What did the pirate say when he turned 80

Aye Matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33alds/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/
%
What did one orphan say to the other?

"Robin, get in the batmobile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33al71/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
%
I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger.

It was good, but the bill was enormous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ak3g/i_went_to_this_restaurant_on_the_beach_in_florida/
%
What's the correct term for an americano without cream or sugar?

an African Americano

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ahkl/whats_the_correct_term_for_an_americano_without/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar

The first chemist tells the bartender "I'll have some H2O, please." The second chemist agrees: "I'll have some H2O also, please."
The second chemist died of aluminum, sulfur, and oxygen poisoning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33agyg/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
A right-handed person tries to write with their left hand...

They feel that it just ain't right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ag8x/a_righthanded_person_tries_to_write_with_their/
%
Why You Shouldn't Drink Toilet Water

There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water:
Number 1.
Number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33aebx/why_you_shouldnt_drink_toilet_water/
%
I got a new German cell phone

I put it on airplane mode. It locked me out and then crashed

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ae3g/i_got_a_new_german_cell_phone/
%
3 fonts walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "We don't serve your type."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ad5h/3_fonts_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Canada could have had the best of three worlds.

They could have had American technology, French cuisine, and British culture.
Instead they have French technology, British cuisine, and American culture.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33aatx/canada_could_have_had_the_best_of_three_worlds/
%
My friend Oscar told a joke to Leo Di Caprio.

He didn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33a6hl/my_friend_oscar_told_a_joke_to_leo_di_caprio/
%
A man is hospitalized after a serious accident

Following his surgery, he says, "Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor says, "I know. I amputated your arms."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/339xco/a_man_is_hospitalized_after_a_serious_accident/
%
I insulted a communist.

I told him he was dressed "classy"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/339uxq/i_insulted_a_communist/
%
There once was a man who was born with just a head

He grew up as only a head, he relied on people to help him everywhere, or he would just roll around. Despite his unusual condition, he lived a happy, content life, but he longed to be normal just like everybody else.
One day, while rolling back home, he bumps into a bottle. The bottle falls to the ground and shatters, and a great genie comes out.
"You have released me!" the genie bellows. "For this, I will grant you one wish."
The head thinks about it, but can't think of anything else he wants besides one thing.
"I want a body just like everyone else!"
POOF, in a great flash he has a body, complete with arms and legs. He's absolutely ecstatic.
"I'M WHOLE! I'M FINALLY WHOLE!"
As he is celebrating, he accidentally runs into traffic where he is hit by a bus and killed instantly.
The moral of the story: you should always quit while you're a head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/339skf/there_once_was_a_man_who_was_born_with_just_a_head/
%
So I saw these two guys walking down the street...

So I saw these two guys walking down the street, wearing the exact same outfit, I mean right down to the belt. So I yelled at them,
"Hey faggots, did you plan those outfits or what?"
Yeah they arrested me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/339nrs/so_i_saw_these_two_guys_walking_down_the_street/
%
The Indian with One Testicle

One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Birds
With OneStone !!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/339nnz/the_indian_with_one_testicle/
%
How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay the b!tch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/339kh8/how_do_you_make_a_hormone/
%
4/20 It's Hitler's birthday today...

... I guess that brings a whole another meaning to "Smoking a J"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/339gcx/420_its_hitlers_birthday_today/
%
Favorite Dad Joke

My 4 year old cousin needs help putting her shoes on.
Cousin to my dad: "Can you put my shoes on?"
Dad: "Well I'll try but I don't think they're going to fit."
(As he tries to stuff his foot into a size 3 kids shoe)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/339egv/favorite_dad_joke/
%
ABORTION BILL

A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"
The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/339e26/abortion_bill/
%
ANOTHER CHICKEN, ANOTHER ROAD

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?
A: Who else would follow a chicken?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/339bjz/another_chicken_another_road/
%
So a guy walks into a bar...

...grabs a stool and sits down.  The bartender kindly asks what the man would like to drink.  The man replies "I'll take a beer -- anything as long as it's not Heinekin."
The man finishes up his beer and the bartender returns.  "Another beer," he asks?  The man again responds "anything, as long as it's not Heinekin."
The bartender is curious at this point and finally asks the man "Why don't you like Heinekin?"  The man cringes a bit and replies "Oh man, I had 12 Heinekins last night and I blew chunks."
The bartender says "Shit, if you have 12 of anything you'll blow chunks."
Man:  "Chunks is my dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/339b8j/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Growing up my mom told me...

I could be anybody I wanted to. Turns out this is called identity theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3396au/growing_up_my_mom_told_me/
%
Putin is dining at a fine restaurant with Medvedev and a few other cabinet ministers.

Waiter: What will it be, gentlemen?
Putin: I'll have a bloody steak.
Waiter: And for vegetables?
Putin: They will have the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33942s/putin_is_dining_at_a_fine_restaurant_with/
%
Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?

He got the sack..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3390dd/did_you_hear_about_the_shortsighted_circumciser/
%
Hey girl are you from Tennessee?

Because I was wondering if you'd still be interested in me if I wasn't your cousin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/338w7c/hey_girl_are_you_from_tennessee/
%
Robin drives the Batmobile

After a hard fought night against some bad guys, Batman and Robin return to the Batmobile. Before entering the Batmobile, Batman says he allows Robin to drive it. Excited, Robin gets in the car with Batman, and starts it up. He goes off at an amazing speed, shifting gears like a mad man, going from 2nd to 5th in a matter of seconds, drifting, all that kind of stuff. When they arrive at the Batcave, Batman jumps on Robin and starts making out with him. Robin pushes him off and asks "What the hell, Batman?! Why would you do that?!"; to which Batman responds:
"Oh please Robin, you and I both know that the Batmobile's gears are automatic..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/338vnc/robin_drives_the_batmobile/
%
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/338tru/what_did_cinderella_do_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
What do you need to make a crystal salad?

Onions, tomatoes, and a whole bunch of lattice

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/338tb1/what_do_you_need_to_make_a_crystal_salad/
%
Billy's dead canary

Billy's canary was dead lying on the bottom of his cage. Billy asked his Dad why when things die they lay on their back with their eyes closed and their legs in the air. His Dad told him it was so God could grab them by their feet and take them to heaven. A few days later when his Dad was pulling into the driveway after work, Billy came running out screaming ..."Daddy, Daddy..Mommy nearly died today !" "What happened ?" Asked Billy's Dad. "Well" said Billy " I came home from school today and there was Mommy in the bedroom on her back with her eyes closed and her legs in the air, just like my canary, and she was saying 'God I'm coming...God I'm coming' and if it hadn't been for the mailman holding her down...he would have got her !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/338siy/billys_dead_canary/
%
You are moving cross country. FedEx agrees to fly all your belongings over. During the flight the plane is unable to maintain lift.

The pilot asks you to lose some baggage. What do you lose ?
The fridge.
Why ?
Cause it's heavy. Why is the fridge heavy ?
Cause it has a fucking giraffe in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/338pa5/you_are_moving_cross_country_fedex_agrees_to_fly/
%
Masturbation

Just got back from competing in the Blindfolded Masturbation World Championship
No idea where I came.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/338ov6/masturbation/
%
A Collection of Great Comedians Jokes

Just found a collection of great comedians jokes and thought I'd share it.
[Here's the link!](http://famehorse.com/collection-of-great-comedians-jokes/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/338o5y/a_collection_of_great_comedians_jokes/
%
A Gem Joke that Rocks

Diamond: Hey, Ruby, did you hear that I'm getting embedded into a statue next Tuesday?
Ruby: But we were going fishing on Tuesday! You sure you can't change the date?
Diamond: Sorry Ruby, it's set in stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/338lle/a_gem_joke_that_rocks/
%
Did you here about the scientist who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/338d3d/did_you_here_about_the_scientist_who_got_cooled/
%
People who hate hand gestures:

I salute you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/338c16/people_who_hate_hand_gestures/
%
Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/338adf/why_do_the_french_only_have_one_egg_for_breakfast/
%
My mate Dave...

My mate Dave was in a bad mood the other day, i asked him why he was so pissed off? "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back" to which i replied "but Dave, you're in a wheelchair..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3389um/my_mate_dave/
%
What's white and in the men's 100m track final?

The lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3386bz/whats_white_and_in_the_mens_100m_track_final/
%
It's 4/20

and I'm not looking forward to weeding through all the bad jokes today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3385cy/its_420/
%
TIL there was a dinosaur that had three butts.

It was from the Triassic period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/338414/til_there_was_a_dinosaur_that_had_three_butts/
%
A man was walking on a beach when he saw a woman with no arms or legs crying.

He asked what was wrong. She said:
"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged."
He hugged her and kept walking. A few minuted later, he sees her crying again. He asked what was wrong now; She said:
"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed."
He kissed her and kept walking. A few minutes later, he saw her crying yet again, and again, he asked what was wrong. She said:
"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been fucked."
He picked her up, threw her in the ocean, and said
"Well you're fucked now."!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3382y5/a_man_was_walking_on_a_beach_when_he_saw_a_woman/
%
Ambush Watch

Down at the Senior Center the other day Joe was telling a tale about his experience in the jungle during his war. It seems that he was wearing a cheap watch one night while on an ambush and it made so much noise that his buddy insisted that he douse the watch with bug spray . . . to get rid of the ticks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3380tb/ambush_watch/
%
Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He got his gas bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3380mi/why_did_hitler_commit_suicide/
%
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33804u/whats_the_difference_between_a_tire_and_365_used/
%
Knock Knock

Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/337x4u/knock_knock/
%
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/337tm1/how_do_you_embarrass_an_archaeologist/
%
I went to a zoo one time and all they had was a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/337qry/i_went_to_a_zoo_one_time_and_all_they_had_was_a/
%
So a woman was facing a judge in court...

She was on trial for beating her husband with his guitar collection.
The judge then says "First offender?"
She says "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/337obo/so_a_woman_was_facing_a_judge_in_court/
%
Leaving a Light On

An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"
"Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."
Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.
"I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/337kz6/leaving_a_light_on/
%
Read out loud for full affect

* "Knock knock"
* "Who's there"
* "I eat mop"
* "I eat mop who"
* *que laughter
Gets em every time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/337dfv/read_out_loud_for_full_affect/
%
What does a sock taste like?

Defeat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/337c2v/what_does_a_sock_taste_like/
%
What is a pirate's favorite part of music theory?

Arrrr-peggios!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/337bq8/what_is_a_pirates_favorite_part_of_music_theory/
%
TIL that the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has it's own version of the devil . . .

You will know this fake Flying Spaghetti Monster by his name, for he is known as the Im-Pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/337b87/til_that_the_church_of_the_flying_spaghetti/
%
What do you call the iron-stealing, oxygen-depleting metalloproteins that lurk in the red blood cells of all vertebrates?

Hemogoblins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3379x9/what_do_you_call_the_ironstealing_oxygendepleting/
%
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3377xa/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_the_snow/
%
What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person?

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3377cc/whats_the_worst_part_about_breaking_up_with_a/
%
A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles, and sees an advertisement for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more. 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Albuquerque New Mexico. That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Good grief, is that where the job is?'
'No sir... that's where the end of the line is right now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3374bs/a_young_man_goes_into_the_job_center_in_downtown/
%
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

He was outstanding in his field

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/337336/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
Did you hear about the constipated dyslexic?

He had trouble moving his elbows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3372qk/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_dyslexic/
%
How do dog catchers get paid?

By the Pound!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33717v/how_do_dog_catchers_get_paid/
%
What's the difference between a politician and a comedian?

People care when a comedian speaks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3370qv/whats_the_difference_between_a_politician_and_a/
%
What's the difference between a joke and your friend's blog?

You enjoy it when a joke is posted on Facebook

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336ywe/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_your/
%
A grave encounter

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336y7p/a_grave_encounter/
%
A midget wearing a turban is walking down the street

He starts coughing violently and so someone asks if he is ok. He gets back and then says "I'm fine, I'm just a little Sikh."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336we6/a_midget_wearing_a_turban_is_walking_down_the/
%
Why doesn't Dwayne Johnson's downstairs neighbor understand references to current events?

He's been living under The Rock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336uhu/why_doesnt_dwayne_johnsons_downstairs_neighbor/
%
Sex and coffee

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and some great sex." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336u8b/sex_and_coffee/
%
There are 500 bricks on a plane...

- There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
499
- What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge
- What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge
- The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.
- Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
The alligators are all at the birthday party.
- Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336ox3/there_are_500_bricks_on_a_plane/
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Why did simbas father die in lion king?

Because he couldn't Mufasa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336oh4/why_did_simbas_father_die_in_lion_king/
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So Yellow and Green are dating. Why does Yellow hate Red?

Because Red Blue Green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336nl3/so_yellow_and_green_are_dating_why_does_yellow/
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So I'm in Ikea....

...and I ask the salesperson, "Is this a finished desk?"
and she says, "No, it's Swedish."
(edited to make more better)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336mlm/so_im_in_ikea/
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336mkt/what_do_you_call_a_nun_in_a_wheelchair/
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Facebook likes

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it.  And it will say Nobody Likes This.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336lh2/facebook_likes/
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Then God said, come fourth john, for you will have eternal life...

But john came Fifth and won a free toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336lb7/then_god_said_come_fourth_john_for_you_will_have/
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What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig?

A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336k29/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_duck_and_a_pig/
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School joke - Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336joa/school_joke_teacher_whoever_answers_my_next/
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What what you say

So Timmy was a little child,
He liked to play outside,
One day he heard his parents arguing,
He couldn't he much bet he heard the two words "bastard" and "bitch"
Timmy was a curious child and went inside and asked his parents,
"Mommy what does bastard and bitch mean?"
His mother, wishing him to keep his innocence said
"Well Timmy Bastard means gentlemen and Bitch means women."
Timmy satisfied with the answer went back outside.
3 days later his parents were arguing again
Unknown to Timmy, last night his parents had attempted to have sex,
His parents were arguing but Timmy only heard 2 words he had never heard of, "penis" and "vagina"
curious as Timmy was he went inside and asked his parents what the words meant.
His father this time like his mother explained it in a kid friendly fashion. "A penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat" He said
Timmy satisfied with the answer went back outside.
5 days later it was Thanksgiving day, an the entire family was soon coming over for dinner. Timmy happened to be walking by as his father cut himself with his razor, "SHIT" his father exclaimed. Timmy asked innocently "Daddy what does shit mean? His father unprepared exclaimed quickly "It uhhh means shaving cream." Timmy yet again believed this and walked down to the kitchen.
His mother was busy cutting the turkey when he came down, she then accidentally cut her finger. "FUCK" she exclaimed, grasping her bleeding finger. Timmy not noticing the blood of course asked innocently, "Mommy what does fuck mean?" His mother surprised he was there quickly said "It means cutting the turkey dear"
Suddenly the doorbell rang
*Ring*
Timmy quickly exclaimed "Ill get it"
he ran to the door and opened the door seeing his family.
wanting to be polite he said
"Hello Bastards and Bitches, may I take your penis's and vagina's? Dad is upstairs wiping shit off his face and mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey"
I would like to thank you if you read the entire thing so please say melon in the comments if you finished reading. If not go back and finish it you sneaky boy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336h31/what_what_you_say/
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I had a break-through this morning...

I should probably buy thicker toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336fhg/i_had_a_breakthrough_this_morning/
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I met a plastic surgeon at a bar last night...

He specialized in male-to-female sexual reassignment surgeries.  He was a pretty nice guy, but a total *womanizer*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/336dcw/i_met_a_plastic_surgeon_at_a_bar_last_night/
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I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.
"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.
Dirty bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3369xu/i_came_out_my_front_door_this_morning_to_see_my/
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Hockey is the only place where

Waving your stick in someones face will get you the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335yuw/hockey_is_the_only_place_where/
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I asked my North Korean Friend how it was there...

He said he couldn't complain

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335xu0/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_how_it_was_there/
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What do necrophiliacs get at funerals?

Mourning wood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335uze/what_do_necrophiliacs_get_at_funerals/
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Non alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister

Tastes the same as others, but it just isn't right...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335uqj/non_alcoholic_beer_is_like_eating_out_your_sister/
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What could Boston Marathon Bombers do that Hitler couldn't?

End a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335tyh/what_could_boston_marathon_bombers_do_that_hitler/
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I have a friend that's a Jehova's Witness

This one time she got mad at me, because she told a knock knock joke, and I refused to answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335ti2/i_have_a_friend_thats_a_jehovas_witness/
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What do you get when if you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic?

A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335sq9/what_do_you_get_when_if_you_cross_an_insomniac_a/
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My wife was pregnant with our third child...

My wife was pregnant with our third child. Long story short, we had been having some complications and had been seeing a special Ob/Gyn but everything seemed to be going fine. Except my wife went into labor just a little early by just a couple weeks. We called our doctor's office, and of course, our specialist was unavailable, so we got patched in to whatever B-Team doctor they had available that evening. He got on the phone and I told him we believed my wife was going into labor, and that we were a little concerned about how early it was.
He asked, "Is this her first child?"
I responded, "No, this is her husband."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335qrw/my_wife_was_pregnant_with_our_third_child/
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What is government? asked little Johnny from his father.

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed.  In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying.  He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.  So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.  When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.  Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't there.  So he went to the maid's room.  When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.  Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud,  "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335o1b/what_is_government_asked_little_johnny_from_his/
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Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335mog/everyone_who_thinks_theyre_stupid_stand_up/
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Threw a party with my friend!

It was amazing!
First, we had to get some cool costumes, and I must say, as far as service goes, it was amazing! We left the place as quickly as we came in, each with a really cool costume- no waiting at all.
Secondly, we went out to get some snacks for the party, just your usual stuff, crisps and the like- nothing fancy. We selected all we could and piled it up onto our basket, it was very exciting! Planning for a party is something that has always excited me.
Lastly, we made sure everything would run smoothly when the guests arrived. This involved counting seats, a sort of checklist, you know, the usual. Ok so, snack area (check), appropriate lighting (check), good music (check)...
I was halfway through the list when my friend turned to me and said "Hey, where are people going to queue for punch?"
I looked at her in shock, damn, I hadn't planned as well as I thought I had! I turned to her and said "They'll have to form a sort of crowd- I guess there's no punchline".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335kfk/threw_a_party_with_my_friend/
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Nerd Season

A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading,
“Nerds Not Allowed — Enter at Your Own Risk.”
He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living.
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck drivers are not nerds,
and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at
least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in
season.
“You don’t even need a license,” he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load
shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the
computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole
load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver says, “What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season.”
“Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “but you can’t bait ‘em.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335i9f/nerd_season/
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What type of blood does a keyboard have?

Typo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335g3q/what_type_of_blood_does_a_keyboard_have/
%
Why did Hitler need glasses?

Because he could Nazi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335fmu/why_did_hitler_need_glasses/
%
Where does a suicide bomber go when he dies?

Everywhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335dr1/where_does_a_suicide_bomber_go_when_he_dies/
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I want to open a bar that serves nothing but expensive beer and baked beans.

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/335a1p/i_want_to_open_a_bar_that_serves_nothing_but/
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What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33513v/whats_the_best_part_about_fingering_a_gypsy_on/
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Getting married in heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal traffic accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly become married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. Nobody asked this before. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Six months had passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple while wiping the sweat off his brow, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, now purple-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me all this time to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3350mt/getting_married_in_heaven/
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What did Russians used to light their houses with before candles?

Electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334v12/what_did_russians_used_to_light_their_houses_with/
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What are Mozart and Beethoven up to these days?

They're both Decomposing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334sea/what_are_mozart_and_beethoven_up_to_these_days/
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2 men walk into a bar...

You'd think the 2nd man would've ducked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334sbx/2_men_walk_into_a_bar/
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An art joke

A couple found a painting in an art gallery, the painting showed 3 black men, 2 eating sandwiches on a bench, all naked, yet the man in the middle had a white penis and had no sandwich.
The couple looked at this painting, puzzled, they asked the curator what it meant.
"well, you see, this painting is the result of the artist expressing his views on racism, the white penis on the black man shows that we are all the same on a fundamental level, and that we should treat each-other as equals..."
After the long explanation, a stereotypical looking Scottish man comes up to the couple,
"Hey, you know all the stuff the curator said, its complete and utter shit"
The couple interjected, "what would you know of the painting?"
"im the one who painted the bloody thing!"
"oh, then what does it mean?"
"it means nothing, its a painting of 3 Scottish coal miners eating lunch after their shift, covered in soot and dirt."
"well, why has the one in the middle have a white penis?"
"that one went home for his lunch"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334qwd/an_art_joke/
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How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334qj3/how_do_you_make_five_pounds_of_fat_look_good/
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I don't watch soccer...

If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I would take my friends to the bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334o9l/i_dont_watch_soccer/
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What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws while the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334ntv/what_is_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
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What's the definition of a will?

Come on you guys, it's a dead giveaway!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334nej/whats_the_definition_of_a_will/
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I got arrested while jamming on my guitar..

Apparently, I was fingering A Minor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334n9g/i_got_arrested_while_jamming_on_my_guitar/
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I wanted to tell you a joke about egoists...

but I'll keep that one for myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334l91/i_wanted_to_tell_you_a_joke_about_egoists/
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What is a cannibal's favorite food to eat when he is lazy?

Ra-men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334isj/what_is_a_cannibals_favorite_food_to_eat_when_he/
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A young man asked an old rich man..

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334ie4/a_young_man_asked_an_old_rich_man/
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I don't like Russian dolls...

They're so full of themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334i99/i_dont_like_russian_dolls/
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I was invited to a theater to watch a pornographic horror movie...

But I was too scared to come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334euw/i_was_invited_to_a_theater_to_watch_a/
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Daddy? What is a tranny?

Ask your mother. He knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334et8/daddy_what_is_a_tranny/
%
I was at my local home improvement store yesterday

And I was looking in the window section. An employee came over and asked if I needed any help, I responded "No thanks, I'm just window shopping."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334cdv/i_was_at_my_local_home_improvement_store_yesterday/
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Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black, We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is."
Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said, "See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for nuns. In all the world," Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, "there is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nun's habits from, and it is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"
A few weeks later the two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, on a whim, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own.
Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on.
"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," she replied. "he looked at my garment, said something in Latin, and left."
"In Latin?" asked the first nun. "What did he say?"
He said, "Marcus, Pincus fuctus."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334cb3/marcus_and_yacov_two_hasidic_jews_went_to_pincus/
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Why did my girlfriend cross the road?

To go back to the first shop we went in two hours ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/334a5q/why_did_my_girlfriend_cross_the_road/
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Why did Sally fall off the swings?

Because she had no arms.
Knock knock...
[who's there]
Not sally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3348yg/why_did_sally_fall_off_the_swings/
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FULLY LOADED

Q: What did the mommy bullet say to the daddy bullet?
A: "We're gonna have a BB!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3344c2/fully_loaded/
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What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

Well, I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3343ue/whats_the_difference_between_a_lentil_and_a/
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Follow the leader

A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm when she remembered her dad's advice: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it." Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car. After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the woman's car asking, "Lady, why are you following me?" She explained what her father had told her and the driver said, "Well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot now. Do you want to follow me to Best Buy?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33411x/follow_the_leader/
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Procrastinators unite!

tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333yip/procrastinators_unite/
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Ever since I read an article about the danger of smoking

I stopped reading.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333uu6/ever_since_i_read_an_article_about_the_danger_of/
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What's a procrastinator's favorite punchline?

I'll tell you tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333q23/whats_a_procrastinators_favorite_punchline/
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I'm so out of shape

Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333m8r/im_so_out_of_shape/
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What do you call an antelope that's really bad at being an antelope?

A cantelope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333k2e/what_do_you_call_an_antelope_thats_really_bad_at/
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What did the druggie scientist say when he got high on Helium?

He He

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333k0e/what_did_the_druggie_scientist_say_when_he_got/
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Joke / Riddle from back in the day

You're in a room and there's no doors or windows and its solid concrete all around. All you have is a block of wood and a mirror. How do you get out?
Answer:
You look in the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and cut the wood in half. Two halves make a whole. Climb out through the hole.
I remember these stupid ass impossible to solve jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333hhl/joke_riddle_from_back_in_the_day/
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What do Asians do when they have an erection?

They vote.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333hge/what_do_asians_do_when_they_have_an_erection/
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My father told me a joke. How many Germans does it take screw in a lightbulb? He said Nein

My dads jokes are the wurst I tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333dmd/my_father_told_me_a_joke_how_many_germans_does_it/
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Gandhi or Mary Popins

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333d1n/gandhi_or_mary_popins/
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A physicist with an idea for research was asking the college board for funds.

The chairman responded: "Your proposal sounds really interesting, but it's way too expensive for this college. This is the problem we always have with physicists, they bring promising projects that we could never afford. I wish you were more like mathematicians. They come once every September asking for a notebook, a pencil and an eraser and that keeps them working all year round. Or like philosophers. They just ask for a notebook and a pencil."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333d0e/a_physicist_with_an_idea_for_research_was_asking/
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What did the doctor say to the angry midget?

"I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333b9l/what_did_the_doctor_say_to_the_angry_midget/
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How do you know if you're making out with a french horn player?

They keep trying to put their hand up your butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333b23/how_do_you_know_if_youre_making_out_with_a_french/
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Canada was like, "This is all part of the Northwest Territories,"

but the Inuit were having Nunavut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333831/canada_was_like_this_is_all_part_of_the_northwest/
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I used to be conceited,

... but now I'm perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/333620/i_used_to_be_conceited/
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Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward?

They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3335tp/why_do_jewish_men_like_to_watch_porno_movies/
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My wife asked me why I drive all the way to Flagstaff to buy my cereal

I told her I get my Kix on Route 66.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3335j4/my_wife_asked_me_why_i_drive_all_the_way_to/
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A father and daughter are driving...

A father and a daughter are driving down a road at night. Ahead of them, a couple is also driving and arguing intensely. The woman becomes so angry that she takes her husband's pocket knife, cuts off his dick, and throws it out the window. The bloodied phallus flies backwards and hits the windshield, mortifying the father. His daughter asks, "Daddy, what was that?" The father, not wanting to expose his child to such a mortifying reality, says, "Oh, it was just a fly sweetheart." The daughter looks off for a minute and then pipes up:
"That fly had a pretty big dick, didn't he?"
Add on: when they return home, the stressed out man tells his wife of the night's events. She offers to have sex with him to help him loosen up and heads to the bathroom to freshen up. The now- naked man is sitting on the edge of the bed, putting a condom on, when his young son of 4 years old walks in. The dad promptly dives under the bed in an attempt to hide his naked shame. The son asks, "Dad, what are you doing under the bed?" The dad answers, "Errrr...ummm...I'm looking for...a mouse! Yeah, a mouse!" And then the son answers, "What are you gonna do, fuck him?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33350t/a_father_and_daughter_are_driving/
%
Why can't a chicken wear underwear?

Because his pecker is on his face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3333qo/why_cant_a_chicken_wear_underwear/
%
I was once blind for a couple of years...

It was a very dark time in my life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3333kg/i_was_once_blind_for_a_couple_of_years/
%
I changed my iPod's name to "The Titanic".

It's synching.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3332bj/i_changed_my_ipods_name_to_the_titanic/
%
How come Barbie never got pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/332y3m/how_come_barbie_never_got_pregnant/
%
Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/332qz5/where_are_you_only_allowed_to_swim_if_you_have/
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What did all of the birds do to the bird that couldn't fly?

They ostrich-sized him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/332qrq/what_did_all_of_the_birds_do_to_the_bird_that/
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You would do the same thing if you had what I have...

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.  Just as the bartender pours the last one, the man starts slamming them all down, one after the other. The bartender says "Holy Shit, man. What could possess you to drink like that?"  The man says, "You would do the same thing if you had what I have...give me 10 more!"
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, lines up 10 more shots.  Just like before, the man immediately slams through all 10.  The bartender, astonished, says to the man, "That's the most tequila I've ever seen anyone drink...you need to be careful."  The man replies, "It's OK...you would do the same thing is you had what I have."
No longer able to retain his curiosity the bartender asks, "OK, pal, what exactly do you have that would make you drink like this?"
The man replies, "About 75 cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/332q1f/you_would_do_the_same_thing_if_you_had_what_i_have/
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I hate people who take drugs...

...such as the police and customs officers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/332mm5/i_hate_people_who_take_drugs/
%
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/332kvo/hello_welcome_to_the_mental_health_hotline/
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Police has arrested a charlatan

He was attempting to sell trusting elderly people some pills that were supposed to bring them their youth back.
After further investigation the police found out that the same man has been previously arrested for the same thing in years 1734, 1859 and 1926.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/332fxf/police_has_arrested_a_charlatan/
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How many femenists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

12
One to screw it in
One to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination
One to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of
illumination
One to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like"
One to deconstruct the light bulb itself as being phallic
One to blame men for not changing the bulb
One to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it
One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women
from changing light bulbs
One to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs
One to advocate that light bulb changers should have wage parity with electricians
One to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men
And one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/332fs6/how_many_femenists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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A chicken and an egg were lying in bed...

..when the chicken turned to the egg, puffed from his cigarette, and said "Well that answers THAT question!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/332elk/a_chicken_and_an_egg_were_lying_in_bed/
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Are they twins?

A man was shopping at the grocery store, minding his own business. Carelessly scanning the aisles, he spots one of the most hideous women he'd ever seen,dragging her 2 kids along.
"Excuse me, are they twins? "
" They're not even the same age,and they look nothing like each other! Why would you assume that they are twins? "
" Because I find it hard to believe that someone fucked you twice. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/332cx6/are_they_twins/
%
Stranded on an island

Two men and a women end up shipwrecked on an island. Weeks and months go by and nature takes it's course, to pass the time, the woman starts having casual sex with the two men.
Months later the woman gets sick and dies. As time passes, once again nature takes it's course and they men do what the have to do.
After a while they start to feel guilty, so they bury the body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33228a/stranded_on_an_island/
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How did the tugboat get AIDS?

It was rear-ended by a ferry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33206h/how_did_the_tugboat_get_aids/
%
An anvil walks into a bar..

The bartender asks him, would you like a beer? The anvil answers: "No thanks, I'm already hammered."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/331yn8/an_anvil_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Why do Japanese hate bingo?

They all scramble for cover when you call B-29

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/331y5f/why_do_japanese_hate_bingo/
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How do you get a drummer off your doorstep?

You pay for the pizza.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/331xzf/how_do_you_get_a_drummer_off_your_doorstep/
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There are 2 people on a boat…

There are two people on a boat; they have three cigarettes. However, they don't have a lighter. What do they do?
They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat *became a cigarette lighter!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/331xv7/there_are_2_people_on_a_boat/
%
It's a joke about ED and cows.

So there's farmer, Who is having trouble getting his cows to reproduce. No matter how he tries, they just won't get busy.
So the man needs a cow expert, and consults the foremost cow scientist in the country. After an explanation of the problem, the expert tells him he needs to stick his hands into the vaginal opening of the female cow, and smear it directly under the bulls nose.
The farmer, is hesitant, but decides to go ahead and give it a shot. And they go at it immediately. It's crazy! The farmer is stunned at just how effective the method was, and he's thinking about it later that night in bed next to his wife.
As he tries to sleep, in perfect darkness, he has an idea. You see, this particular farmer has severe ED, and hasn't gotten an erection in years. So he, remembering the cows, slowly starts touching his sleeping wife in her slot, but she remains asleep. He rubs it under his nose, and within seconds, his member stands straight up! He can't believe it! So he wakes his wife, says honey, honey look!
She turns on the light and says "You woke me up for a bloody nose?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/331t2s/its_a_joke_about_ed_and_cows/
%
What did the tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/331rqk/what_did_the_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/
%
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/331msr/what_does_dna_stand_for/
%
How many cops does it take to push a black man down a flight of stairs?

None. He "fell".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/331ldj/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/
%
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are on an epic fight...

Suddenly, Vader stops swinging. He pulls Luke close to him, and says:
*breathing sounds*
"I know what you are getting for Christmas"
"WHAT?? IT CAN'T BE! HOW?"
*breathing sounds*
"Because I have felt your presents"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/331dzq/darth_vader_and_luke_skywalker_are_on_an_epic/
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Calculus Joke

Courtesy of my math professor:
Two mathematicians go to a bar after a rigorous day of number crunching. After a few drinks, the first mathematician begins to lament the current state of the general public's mathematical knowledge.
"People just don't know their calculus anymore!"
"I don't think that's true," replies the second, " I bet they know more than you think".
"Let's make it a real bet then," says the first, " I'll bet you $100.00 that if I ask *her* a simple question, she won't be able to answer at all"
The subject of the bet was to be a particularly ditzy looking young waitress.
"You're on"
Before the bet commences, the first runs to the restroom. In the interim, the second calls the waitress over and informs her of the nature of the bet, telling her he'll give her $10 if she answers his question with "x cubed".
"X  cubed," She repeats to herself, "I think I can handle that".
The first mathematician returns, ready to start the bet. They call the waitress back over and the second pretends not to know her, saying
"Excuse me miss, but I was hoping you could answer a simple question for me, what is the indefinite integral of 3x squared?"
"That's simple, it's x cubed!"
Dumbfounded, the first man admits defeat and hands over $100 to his friend. The waitress begins to walk away, but then quickly turns around.
"Hey, I forgot something," she exclaims, "Plus an arbitrary constant C!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/331c4p/calculus_joke/
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What is the difference between God and a police officer?

God doesn't think he's a police officer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/331a88/what_is_the_difference_between_god_and_a_police/
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

By walking...
J. K. Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3319wp/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
If you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach....

Then you're aiming too high

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3317qn/if_you_think_the_way_to_a_mans_heart_is_through/
%
How do gay people float?

Flambuoyancy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3317c7/how_do_gay_people_float/
%
And so, Jesus said unto Peter "Come forth and win yourself eternal glory"

But Peter came fifth and won himself a toaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3315b5/and_so_jesus_said_unto_peter_come_forth_and_win/
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Saint Peter is at the gates of Heaven. He's had too much coffee and now needs to use the bathroom.

He sees Jesus walking by and stops him.
"Jesus, thank goodness your here. I have a favor to ask. Can you watch the gate while I use the bathroom?"
Jesus, ecstatic at the chance to help says, "Of course... But what do I do?"
"Its simple, as people come up you must check their names to see if they are in this book I have. If they are then welcome them in! If not, turn them away." And with that Peter leaves to exorcise his bowels.
Jesus waits for some time and eventually an elderly man walks up to him. Jesus greets him energetically and asks his name.
The old man looks dismayed. "I was hit on the head when i died... I don't remember it."
"well sir," says Jesus, "tell me about yourself! Perhaps I can guess it?"
The old man's brow furrows in thought. "all I can remember is I was a carpenter and my son was beloved my millions of people.
Now Jesus begins to choke up at this.
"Dad... Daddy?"
The old man looks hard at Jesus and says
"Pinnochio!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3314b6/saint_peter_is_at_the_gates_of_heaven_hes_had_too/
%
What is the most volatile state? Solid, liquid or gaseous?

Islamic State.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3311lx/what_is_the_most_volatile_state_solid_liquid_or/
%
I think my coworkers are gay

because every time I walk by, they mumble under their breath "what an ass!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/330zxw/i_think_my_coworkers_are_gay/
%
A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman.........

The driver asked, "Why was I pulled over when I wasn't the only one speeding."
The police replied, "Have you ever been fishing?"
The man then said, "yes".
"Have you ever caught all the fish?" asked the policeman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/330ymk/a_speeding_driver_was_pulled_over_by_a_policeman/
%
What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut you racist bastard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/330wyu/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_on_the_moon/
%
What was Hitler's amplifier called?

Mein Ampf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/330wbg/what_was_hitlers_amplifier_called/
%
A giraffe walks into a bar, he sits and orders 6 martinis........

Shame on you for wanting a punchline.
This giraffe needs help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/330vt2/a_giraffe_walks_into_a_bar_he_sits_and_orders_6/
%
Why do french tanks have rear mirrors?

So they can also see the front lines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/330v46/why_do_french_tanks_have_rear_mirrors/
%
What did the pickle say to the cucumber?

Come on in the water's brine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/330v1j/what_did_the_pickle_say_to_the_cucumber/
%
Yesterday I thought I was in the Amazon river

Turns out I was in denial

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/330t1l/yesterday_i_thought_i_was_in_the_amazon_river/
%
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

Because its two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/330q7c/why_cant_a_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
%
I'm officially putting my GPA up for adoption...

I just can't raise it myself
[joke credit to the girl I overheard say it in the library]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/330gac/im_officially_putting_my_gpa_up_for_adoption/
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Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York.

About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.
A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York.
At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/330ecb/two_statisticians_were_traveling_in_an_airplane/
%
Asians are so bad at driving

That I think Pearl harbour was an accident.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3308q3/asians_are_so_bad_at_driving/
%
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Get in the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3306rj/what_did_batman_say_to_robin_before_they_got_in/
%
Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!
EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)
EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue commenting as long as this post remains visible! I'll get to them when I can c: this is fun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3306i9/comment_with_a_random_object_and_ill_try_to_make/
%
A sick old man is lying on a hospital bed when his doctor walks into the room

"I have some bad news..." he began. "We've run some tests, and we think you may have both Alzheimer's *and* cancer..."
The old man looked downcast and sighed. "Well," he said, "at least I don't have Alzheimer's."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3304oi/a_sick_old_man_is_lying_on_a_hospital_bed_when/
%
I have the solution to the drought in California

Just let all the ladies hear my mixtape

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3304dk/i_have_the_solution_to_the_drought_in_california/
%
What did Tupac say when his best friend died?

No Biggie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33048o/what_did_tupac_say_when_his_best_friend_died/
%
If Hillary is elected.....

will she only make 70% of what Obama makes?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33043x/if_hillary_is_elected/
%
This just popped in my head...

What's a mexican's favorite Disney movie?
Mow lawn.
Sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3302ou/this_just_popped_in_my_head/
%
An areoplane is about to crash,

A female passanger jumps up and frantically announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks. "Is there anyone on this plane man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says. "Here, iron this!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33005x/an_areoplane_is_about_to_crash/
%
Pregnant Woman

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32zyzd/pregnant_woman/
%
Man comes home after a hard Day

a man comes home after a long day at work.when he opens the front door he sees his wife standing there with a pissed off look and bags in her hand. the husband ask what is the matter now.His wife replies im leaving you you horrible son of a bitch.the man splutters and says but why. the wife replies because i found out today that you are a Pedophile. the man looks at his wife and says. that's a mighty big word for an eight year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32zvc5/man_comes_home_after_a_hard_day/
%
Parrots and the Priest

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32zrey/parrots_and_the_priest/
%
Why are there ants on my toilet seat?

Because of my sweet ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32zovk/why_are_there_ants_on_my_toilet_seat/
%
I used to steal other people's jokes.

I still do, but I used to, too

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32zlea/i_used_to_steal_other_peoples_jokes/
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Did you hear about the guy whose bank closed his account because he dropped his bowl of cereal?

All his Chex bounced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32zl61/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_whose_bank_closed_his/
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Names please

A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under “Number of children,” she wrote “10,” and where it said “List names of children,” she wrote “Leroy.” When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out: “Now here where it says “List names of children,” you’re supposed to write the names of each one of your children.” “Dey all named Leroy,” said the black woman. “That’s very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?” asked the welfare worker. “Oh, den I uses the last names.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32zkbv/names_please/
%
A son asks his dad: "Do you remember your first blowjob?" - The father answers: "Yes, son!"

The boy asks: "How did it taste?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32zkbl/a_son_asks_his_dad_do_you_remember_your_first/
%
A guy walks into a bar

The only other patron is sat at the end of the bar looking very down in the mouth. The guy walks over and offers to buy him a drink. He asks him why he looks so depressed? The guy replies;" My name is Bill I've been a builder all my life..I bet I have built 50 houses...Do they call me 'Bill the housebuilder' ? ...No they don't ! I've built ten school houses...Do they call me 'Bill the schoolhouse builder' ? ..No they don't !... I've laid 100 miles of road....Do they call me 'Bill the road builder' ? ..No they don't ! .... But you fuck one goat !"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32zka3/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Overweight Irishman

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
“Why, that's amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The Irishman nodded... “I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.”
“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from the skippin.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32zg6x/overweight_irishman/
%
I used to be a banker...

But I eventually lost interest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32zegl/i_used_to_be_a_banker/
%
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None,  they'll just beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32z8xo/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb/
%
A guy was watching TV in Moscow, and the weather forecaster says that it's -35C (-31F) in Irkutsk, Siberia.

The guy is impressed, and he remembers that he had a classmate who moved to Irkutsk.  So he finds his number and calls him. "Hey, how are you doing?  I heard you have really terrible temperature in Irkutsk, right?"  "No, why, we have, like, -5C (23F) here", replies his friend.  "Oh, and the weather forecaster says that you have -35!"  "Ah, it's probably outside", friend replies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32z828/a_guy_was_watching_tv_in_moscow_and_the_weather/
%
What man knows the way to a girl's heart more than any other?

A surgeon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32z4pj/what_man_knows_the_way_to_a_girls_heart_more_than/
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If a tree falls in the woods, and there are no English majors around to hear it...

does is lay on the ground, or lie?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32z3sg/if_a_tree_falls_in_the_woods_and_there_are_no/
%
Jazz is in my blood

You could say I've got deep vein trombonses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32z2a1/jazz_is_in_my_blood/
%
How do we know Julius Caesar wasn't gay?

Because you have to be straight to be a good ruler

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32z20j/how_do_we_know_julius_caesar_wasnt_gay/
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently not three because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32z0yz/how_many_dead_hookers_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
What do you say to an unemployed Rastafarian?

Jah bless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32yywp/what_do_you_say_to_an_unemployed_rastafarian/
%
what's the most common allergy among gay men?

Heeeeeeyyyy fever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ywhp/whats_the_most_common_allergy_among_gay_men/
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Actual quote from a kid visiting from China

Q: Do you like it hear in America?
K: Yes.
Q: Why?
K: Because the sky here is blue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32yw7d/actual_quote_from_a_kid_visiting_from_china/
%
What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit's finger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32yvwp/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
%
What did the baby eating cannibals say in the hospital to the expectant mothers?

Fetus!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32yucp/what_did_the_baby_eating_cannibals_say_in_the/
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How do you tell an X chromosome from a Y chromosome?

Pull down its genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32yscu/how_do_you_tell_an_x_chromosome_from_a_y/
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A bowling ball jumped off the roof of a tall building.

Looking among the pieces of shattered bowling ball, the Physicist in the crowd regretfully said, "He had so much potential..."
I know I know. I'm not a dad but I teach physics and I've never made up a joke before....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32yr82/a_bowling_ball_jumped_off_the_roof_of_a_tall/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never paid to have lentil on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ynnz/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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How do you tell if your scrotum is ticklish?

Give it a couple test tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32yfpq/how_do_you_tell_if_your_scrotum_is_ticklish/
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How did the nucleus escape from prison?

Through the cell wall

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32yf2y/how_did_the_nucleus_escape_from_prison/
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Something's Not Kosher Here

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.  No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Rabbi sitting beneath a tree.
The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Rabbi said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side.
Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin wud I lie?"
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Rabbi, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."
The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Rabbi holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32yc2z/somethings_not_kosher_here/
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My penis was in a Guinness Book Of Records...

...but then they threw me out of the library.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32y7es/my_penis_was_in_a_guinness_book_of_records/
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Mugger walks up behind a man in a suit and puts a gun to his back...

The mugger says, "Give me all your money."
The man in the suit says, "You can't do this to me! I'm a United States Congressman!"
The mugger replies, "Then give me all *my* money!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32y5e5/mugger_walks_up_behind_a_man_in_a_suit_and_puts_a/
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Guy comes into my bar and wants any beer but a stinkin Budweiser.

So I pour him a Coors light.
He slams it down and says
"Hey barkeep! Gimmie another beer, as long as it ain't one of them stinkin Budweisers!"
So I pour him a Lone Star and he slams it back like the previous pint. "Hey barkeep! Gimmie another beer, as long as it ain't one of those stinkin Budweisers!"
As I pour him a Miller Lite, I ask him why he hates those "stinkin Budweisers"
He tells me "last night, I drank a case of those stinkin Budweisers and blew chunks all over the place!"
I told him that if anyone drinks a case of any kind of beer in an evening, they'd get sick. He replies
"Barkeep, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32y4g5/guy_comes_into_my_bar_and_wants_any_beer_but_a/
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Parents

My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist.
For most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32y2n4/parents/
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How do you hit on a Jewish girl?

Tell her that she israeli hot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32y1c0/how_do_you_hit_on_a_jewish_girl/
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Bill Cosby told me a funny joke last night.

But I can't remember it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32y141/bill_cosby_told_me_a_funny_joke_last_night/
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Two fish are in a tank..

One turns to the other and asked "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xz10/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
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Typical day

Just saw Denzel Washington on the street and said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?" And he's all like "I'm not Denzel you racist piece of shit." Classic Denzel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xw0c/typical_day/
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What can you use to fill your butt crack?

Ass-fault

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xv3q/what_can_you_use_to_fill_your_butt_crack/
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Bill Clinton Jokes... Welcome back Bill, Hillary, and Monica!

Bill Clinton Jokes:
Q. What's the difference between greeting a queen and greeting Bill Clinton?
A. You only have to get on one knee to greet the queen.
Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed and said "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that a few times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empty cans, I cashed them in."
Q. How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A. The President after Bush.
While undressing for bed one night, good ole Bill notices something like a red rash around his you know what. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!"
He makes an appointment to see his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.
"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else."
Bill takes the pills for a week but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to the doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved.
He takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there! So he goes back to the doctor and asks,
"What next?"
The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time.
"Rub this on every day for a week and let me know."
Bill goes back in a week and says,
"Great news Doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"
The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover."
Q. Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
A. To keep his ankles warm.
Two new young interns are hired in the White House. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. The President walks up and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."
Q. What is Bill's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.
Q. Lorena Bobbitt and Monica Lewinsky are opening up a hair salon together. What did they name it?
A. "Cut and Blow."
Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Bill, it's pronounced 'Quiche.'"
Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and government bonds?
A. Government bonds will mature someday.
Don King was thinking about promoting a fight between Mike Tyson and Monica Lewinsky, but he called it off when Bill Clinton told him that Monica doesn't bite.
Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a scuba diver's wet suit?
A. The wet suit's hard to get off.
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
Q. Why is Hillary standing by her man?
A. So she doesn't get her dress soiled.
While the Clintons were still in the Governor's Mansion in Arkansas, one night Chelsea came in to the bedroom and said, "Mommy, tell me a story please!" Hillary said, "It's 3:00 am, honey, can't you just go to bed?" Chelsea answered, "I tried, Mommy, but I can't sleep... please tell me a story."
Hillary thought for a moment and said, "OK, honey, I'll tell you what... You just jump up here in bed with me, and when your daddy finally gets home, we'll BOTH get to hear a story!"
Q. What's Bill Clinton's biggest fear?
A An intern with braces on her teeth.
Monica went up to the pharmacist and stated, "I need to buy condoms."
The pharmacist looked up and asked, "Shall I put it on your bill?"
"No, thanks," Monica responded. "I prefer to put them on him myself."
Q. How is Monica Lewinsky on a first date like Mark McGuire right after he hit his 62nd home run?
A. They both get so excited that they skip right past first base.
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Go" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off.
He storms into his security staff`s HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don`t just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first."
The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore`s urine."
Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own Vice President! Damn....Well, what`s the really bad news?"
The officer replies "Well sir, it`s Hillary`s handwriting."
Q. So how is Bill Clinton like Mark McGuire?
A. They both made headlines with their wacker.
Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.
Q. How did Bill describe sex with his wife?
A. "Close, but no cigar."
Q. What do Monica's dress and NASCAR have in common?
A. Both suffer from Dick Trickle.
Q. What is Bill Clinton's favorite sport?
A. Luinskiing.
Q. What does Monica Lewinsky have in her pocket?
A. A wad of Bills.
Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite flower?
A. (No, not Jennifer.)
A. Tulips
Q. How is Bill Clinton like an automatic teller machine?
A. They both shoot out little bills.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary and Bill?
A: Hillary doesn't get caught.
Q. What's Bill and Hillary's LEAST favorite song?
A. "Devil With The Blue Dress On
Q. How is Bill Clinton like John McEnroe?
A. They both say it was out, but the judges say it was in.
Q. What is Clintons latest line of defence....?
A. Well, She didnt swallow !!!!!!!!
Q. How does Clinton keeps his beer cold when he is at a ball game?
A. He has Hillary hold it between her legs.
Q. What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a vacuum cleaner?
A. Where the dirt bag attaches.
Q. What do you call 8 straight days of oral sex?
A. Hanukah Lewinsky.
Q.Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton computer?
A.It's got a 6 inch hard drive, but no memory.
Q. Do you know what game they are playing at the Whitehouse?
A. Swallow the leader

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xv1m/bill_clinton_jokes_welcome_back_bill_hillary_and/
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What does a dyslexic zombie eat?

Brians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xu3u/what_does_a_dyslexic_zombie_eat/
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How is a dyslexic stand-up like an MMA fighter who comes home to find his GF in a gangbang?

They both punchup the fuckline.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xr16/how_is_a_dyslexic_standup_like_an_mma_fighter_who/
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What do you call a hypocritical member of the church of Latter Day Saints?

an oxy-mormon.
or, all of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xqv0/what_do_you_call_a_hypocritical_member_of_the/
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The bar on the skyscraper

There was a famous bar at the top of a skyscraper, but nobody went there so it was kind of an urban legend. A man named Todd goes to the bar to see if it's real, he goes and find the bar in a large room with a bar, a bartender, and one guy at the bar taking shots.
Todd is excited to finally be in the famous bar, he asks for a gin and juice and starts to chat up the guy at the bar and asks if there is any specialty drinks he should try. The man says there is one shot that will make you invincible for 45 seconds, Todd obviously didn't believe him, he told the guy to prove it, he asks for the shot of the drink, drinks it fast and runs out the window, falling 200 stories to a sidewalk, the bartender quietly says " god not again" Todd ignores him since he is so shocked that someone would be so drunk to jump out a window, two minutes later the man comes back through the elevator with only a few tears in his shirt.
Amazed, Todd says he will pay 1000 dollars if he can do it again, the man asks for another shot, jumps put the window, and comes back up with nothing wrong.
Todd is amazed and is convinced he can do the same, he takes a shot of the drink, he feels a burn like no other, he feels like a ball of fire, he bangs on his chest and jumps straight through the window to the floor and dies instantly
The bartender sighs and says "superman, you can be a real asshole sometimes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xqmi/the_bar_on_the_skyscraper/
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Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him  tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xmgb/does_it_hurt_anymore/
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A kid had sex with his teacher

So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?"
The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher."
The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home.
Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike."
Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?"
The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xmc6/a_kid_had_sex_with_his_teacher/
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''.......

The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xmac/a_woman_gets_on_a_bus_with_her_baby_the_bus/
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The Bible

TL;DR

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xjmx/the_bible/
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What's the difference between a married woman and this joke?

This joke sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xj0i/whats_the_difference_between_a_married_woman_and/
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I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xi3f/im_sick_to_death_of_cocaine_dealers/
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Two Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xh14/two_hunters/
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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32xeo1/whats_10_inches_long_hard_as_a_rock_full_of_semen/
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What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.  The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!  I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough.  She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.  If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.  She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32x7t2/what_starts_with_f_and_ends_with_k/
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What's the best part about being an alcoholic stand-up comedian?

If you're good you get laughs, and if you're bad you get booze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32x7qw/whats_the_best_part_about_being_an_alcoholic/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

with my dick in them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32x6ip/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

There isn't a home page

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32x2y9/i_just_finished_designing_a_website_for_an/
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Just seen a midget struggling carrying a TV to his car.

I said " You need a hand with that flat screen mate?"
He said "Fuck off dickhead, its an ipad"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32wy75/just_seen_a_midget_struggling_carrying_a_tv_to/
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I used to be into bestiality, sadism, and necrophilia...

But eventually I realized I was beating a dead horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32wv5u/i_used_to_be_into_bestiality_sadism_and/
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BBC News: Being obese can cut your risk of dementia...

Hold on, lets rephrase that:
"Fat fuckers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32wtm0/bbc_news_being_obese_can_cut_your_risk_of_dementia/
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I like my women like I like my coffee

Still a little bit warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32wswm/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin...

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar,
an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing
the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32wrg3/a_large_woman_wearing_a_sleeveless_sun_dress/
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I caught my girl cheating with my best friend on my new leather couch...

Of course I yelled at him.. He's not allowed on the couch.
(Made this one up this morning.. Still playing with the wording)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32wp9z/i_caught_my_girl_cheating_with_my_best_friend_on/
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What is a Mexican's most favourite sport?

Cross-country

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32wjth/what_is_a_mexicans_most_favourite_sport/
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3 logicians walk into a bar

the bartender says "do you all want beer?"
the first logician says "I'm not sure"
the second logician says "I'm not sure"
the third logician says "Jul 16"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32wigx/3_logicians_walk_into_a_bar/
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M.I.T Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
-Techinverted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32wfm8/mit_interview/
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Getting into the pub with your dog

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub.
Mike looks at his friend John and says “Let’s go in there for a quick drink.”
John replies with, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”
“Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
Mike walks up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman tell hims, “I'm sorry but I can’t let you in here with your dog.”
Mike replies, “But I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “Okay well in that case, come on in.”
John sees this and decideds to do the same thing. He walks up to the front door, but the doorman says, “Sorry sir, you can’t come in here with a dog.”
John replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman responds, “I don't think so buddy. You mean to tell me you have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”
John stops for a second looking confused, and says, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32wfm4/getting_into_the_pub_with_your_dog/
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I walked in on my girlfriend cheating. I don't know what I ever saw in her...

..well, except for another dude's penis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32wexr/i_walked_in_on_my_girlfriend_cheating_i_dont_know/
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A young woman in Liverpool...

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said,
"Look, you have so much to live for - I'm off to America in the morning and if you like I can stow you away on my ship and will take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder -
"I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded - after all, what she had to lose and a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat and from then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection she was discovered by the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32w7us/a_young_woman_in_liverpool/
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As USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time Hilary had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky...
And Monica blew it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32w5eb/as_usa_gets_closer_to_the_2016_election_year_us/
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I was looking for a new apartment...

and found a nice place in the center of town that seemed ideal.
"It's only $650 a month," the women told me. "But no children or pets."
I had to turn it down. It was a bargain but I wasn't willing to give up my sex life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vys3/i_was_looking_for_a_new_apartment/
%
What did one orphan say to the other?

"Robin, get the bat mobile."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vxnq/what_did_one_orphan_say_to_the_other/
%
My girlfriend just told me she might be pregnant

I told her to cut it out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vxjw/my_girlfriend_just_told_me_she_might_be_pregnant/
%
A boy was snapping rubber bands on his friends arm

He kept doing it in the same spot every second, over and over again until the friend eventually said, "Ouch, that one Hertz."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vx15/a_boy_was_snapping_rubber_bands_on_his_friends_arm/
%
This may seem random, but C Minor...

On a related note, E flat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vviw/this_may_seem_random_but_c_minor/
%
A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life

. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question, "Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?" The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vsu4/a_girl_was_about_to_jump_off_a_cliff_to_end_her/
%
Correct Grammar

A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly and all said, "So, where yall from?" The Wisconsin girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Oklahoma sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where yall from, bitch?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vq1g/correct_grammar/
%
Kids are like squaring numbers

If they're under 12 just do them in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vpvg/kids_are_like_squaring_numbers/
%
The musical doctor

Man: Doctor Doctor I need a cure for my depression.
Doctor: Music is great therapy, here, I'll loan you my old guitar, it's broken but you should get some use out of it.
Man: Hang on, why would you lend me your guitar just like that? Is there some sort of hidden clause in this?
Doctor: Don't worry, there's no strings attached.
ba dum tss.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vj29/the_musical_doctor/
%
What do you call a short Mexican?

A paragraph because hes not quite yet an essay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32viwk/what_do_you_call_a_short_mexican/
%
Why don't Mexicans cross the border in three's?

The sign says "no trespassing."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vhzl/why_dont_mexicans_cross_the_border_in_threes/
%
An escaped prisoner enters a house...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.  He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vhjp/an_escaped_prisoner_enters_a_house/
%
You give Americans an inch...

And they'll invent their own metric system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vgn8/you_give_americans_an_inch/
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vfr6/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/
%
A naked woman walks into a bar...

... and asks for a shot of whiskey. Everybody looks perplexed at her, jaws being dropped and all that. The bartender gives her the shot, and looks at her as if he was inspecting. The woman asks for another shot, so the bartender gives her another one, but keeps looking at her. After a while, the woman gets annoyed and asks him:
"Excuse me, but what's your problem? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman in your life?"
"I have"- says the bartender -"I'm just trying to figure out how you're gonna pay for those shots."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vd5a/a_naked_woman_walks_into_a_bar/
%
A Limbo Champion Walks Into a Bar.

He loses his title.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vb0d/a_limbo_champion_walks_into_a_bar/
%
You need an Arc?

I Noah guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vau4/you_need_an_arc/
%
What was the Christian plastic surgeons specialty?

Faith lifts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32va1n/what_was_the_christian_plastic_surgeons_specialty/
%
What did the ocean say to the shore?

Nothing, it just waved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32v8ch/what_did_the_ocean_say_to_the_shore/
%
What do you call a guy who's into beastiality?

Someone who really gets his head into the game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32v3ai/what_do_you_call_a_guy_whos_into_beastiality/
%
The Alamo

Davy Crocket and Daniel Boone were talking at the Alamo one day when Davy looks up.  On the ridge coming over the hill were a shit load of Mexicans.  Davy says, "I didn't know we were pouring concrete today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32v2zh/the_alamo/
%
Why did Yellow divorce Red?

Because Red Blue Green

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32uz5z/why_did_yellow_divorce_red/
%
What begins with a " C" ends with a "T" has a "U and a "N" in it, is hairy on the outside and wet in the middle.

A coconut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32uw40/what_begins_with_a_c_ends_with_a_t_has_a_u_and_a/
%
What did the rapper ask the pet sitter when he got back from vacation?

Where my dogs at?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32uojc/what_did_the_rapper_ask_the_pet_sitter_when_he/
%
I went for an interview at a black smiths..

The black smith asked "have you ever shoed a horse before?"
I replied "no, but i told a donkey to fuck off"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32un56/i_went_for_an_interview_at_a_black_smiths/
%
A man walks into a bar.

He lost the limbo competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32un27/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
(Dad joke warning) What was the almond tree doing all damn summer long?

Nuttin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32umiw/dad_joke_warning_what_was_the_almond_tree_doing/
%
The priest in a small irish village..

.. loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ulrp/the_priest_in_a_small_irish_village/
%
Every Hotel Room Was Taken

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ukne/every_hotel_room_was_taken/
%
Three nuns are talking about their gardens, one of them is deaf..

The first nun said "the cucumbers are growing fairly well, they're this big" and showed them how big it is with her hands.
The second nun said "that's great! The carrots are doing great too, they're this big" and showed them how big it is with her hands.
The deaf nun shouts "which priest you talking about?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32uexz/three_nuns_are_talking_about_their_gardens_one_of/
%
A zebra dies and goes to Heaven...

A zebra dies and goes to Heaven.  Upon reaching the pearly gates, he sees St. Peter.
-
**SP**: *Is there anything you would like to know before you enter Heaven?*
**Z**: *You know, St. Peter, my whole life I've lived with this burden of never knowing the answer to one question: Am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?*
**SP**: *Go, my friend, and as the Lord God Himself to give you the answer to that question.  He will give you what you need to know.*
So the zebra enters into Heaven and makes that his first priority.  He trots his way up to God and asks...
-
**Z**: *God, I've always wanted to know my entire life, am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?*
God calmly sits back in his throne and says:
-
**G**: *You are what you are.*
The zebra is taken aback, not knowing what to take from that answer.  But St. Peter told him he would get what he needed to know from God...
-
Somewhat disappointed, the Zebra travels back to the pearly gates to ask St. Peter what God meant by his answer.  He finally gets there and says...
-
**Z:** *St. Peter, I took your advice and went to God to ask if I'm white with black stripes, or black with white stripes.  His answer only made me more confused...*
**SP:** *What did he tell you, my friend?*
**Z:** *He simply told me 'You are what you are.'*
**SP:** *Well there you have it...*
**Z:** *What?! What do you mean?*
**SP:** *You are white with black stripes.*
**Z:** *What?! How do you know that?*
**SP:** *If you were black with white stripes, he would have answered, 'You is what you is.'*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ue4q/a_zebra_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
%
How do you get a woman from to be, to bed?

Give her the D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ue03/how_do_you_get_a_woman_from_to_be_to_bed/
%
If crime doesn't pay...

... than you're doing it wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32udxq/if_crime_doesnt_pay/
%
The businessman, Japanese prostitute and golf.

An American businessman takes a trip to Japan for a meeting/golf outing. The outing is a couple days away, so he decides to call a prostitute because he's bored. She arrives and they begin to have some great sex. Throughout their experience she's yelling "Hoshimoto! Hoshimoto!" He doesn't speak any Japanese but she seemed to be having a good time, so he didn't think anything of it.
Fast forward to the golf meeting with his Japanese associates and on the 7th hole the businessman hits a hole in one on a par four! Everyone is so excited high fiving, jumping up and down and yelling in Japanese. The businessman, wanting to fit in with his friends yells the only Japanese word he knows, "Hoshimoto!"
The Japanese look at him confused and ask, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ubv7/the_businessman_japanese_prostitute_and_golf/
%
One day, a very rich man announced in a party...

.. that if any person present in the party dares to swim across the swimming pool which has more than twenty crocodiles and emerge unharmed, he will be awarded with either half of the rich man's property or his beautiful daughter.
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The rich man was overjoyed with the young man's bravery. He congratulated him and then asked what do you want, my property or daughter. To this, the man replied, "Sir, neither I want your property, nor your daughter, I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ual1/one_day_a_very_rich_man_announced_in_a_party/
%
A guy walks into a bar

and orders finest scotch.
Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.
Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?
Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.
Guy: What's he doing with your wife?
Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32u8ya/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How is sex like putting on a belt?

If it's not tight enough, move on to the next hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32u8hp/how_is_sex_like_putting_on_a_belt/
%
A Taxing Poem

"Taxpayer's Lament"
Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas
Tax his notes, Tax his cash
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still collect inheritance tax.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32u7fj/a_taxing_poem/
%
['90s] Did you hear McDonalds just bought the naming rights to that new hockey stadium?

They're calling it the Mac-Arena.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32u5bv/90s_did_you_hear_mcdonalds_just_bought_the_naming/
%
Bill and the Dog.

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when  he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it  flat as a fritter.
He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the  grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go  ballistic.
Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.
He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a  Genie popped out.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of  imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one  wish."
"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I  need, but let me show you this dog I just ran  over."
They walk over to the splattered remains  of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for  me?" Bill asked.
The Genie looked at the remains and shook his  head. "This poor critter is too far gone for even me to bring it  back to life.
Maybe there's something else you'd  like?"
Bill thought for  a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two  photos.
"I had an affair with this beautiful young girl  called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first  photo.
"But I’m actually married to this older,  distressed looking woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the  second photo.
"You see Hillary isn't good looking at all,  so do you think you can make her look pretty like  Monica?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and  after a few minutes said, "Damn man, let's go have another look at  that dog!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32u51a/bill_and_the_dog/
%
['90s] I just got a new computer.

It's called "The Tyson." It comes with two bytes and no memory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32u3uz/90s_i_just_got_a_new_computer/
%
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer...

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32u1dt/jesus_and_satan_were_having_an_ongoing_argument/
%
I never believed that faith could move mountains

But I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32u0br/i_never_believed_that_faith_could_move_mountains/
%
You must pass two tests, or die

Three explorers were bushwhacking their way through darkest Africa when they came upon an undiscovered tribe of cannibals.
The Chief informed them that they must each pass two important tests, or they would be eaten.
They were told for test number one, they must go into the jungle and pick 10 fruits from the first tree they find.
The first explorer returned from the jungle with 10 apples and the Chief said, "You have passed the first test.  Now you must shove those 10 apples up your ass without making a sound - then you will be set free." He got one apple in, but with the second, he let out a groan so he was beheaded.
The second explorer returned from the jungle with 10 cherries.  Chief said, "You have passed the first test.  Now you must shove those 10 cherries up your ass without making a sound - then you will be set free."  He easily put the cherries in one at a time, but with the 10th cherry he burst out laughing so he was beheaded.
The first and second explorers were reunited at the gates of heaven and explorer one said, "Why did you laugh? 10 cherries should have been no problem."
Explorer two said, "Everything was going fine until I saw our friend coming out of the jungle with 10 pineapples!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32trd1/you_must_pass_two_tests_or_die/
%
A child asks his Grandpa IF HE CAN REPOST A JOKE

The Grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"
The child says no, so the Grandpa says no.
Two years later the child asks if he can repost a joke
The Grandpa says again, "Can your penis touch your butt?"
The child says no again, so the Grandpa says no.
Another two years go by and the child asks if he can repost a joke.
The grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"
The child says yes
The Grandpa then says, "Then go fuck yourself."
The child says, "Fuck you old man, I just clicked submit"
Grandpa dies.  But this joke won't.  It will never fucking die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32toc7/a_child_asks_his_grandpa_if_he_can_repost_a_joke/
%
Did you hear about the dog who went to the flea circus?

He stole the show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32tmsm/did_you_hear_about_the_dog_who_went_to_the_flea/
%
The hurricane Sandy.

A guy goes to a bar and looks at the drink menu to see if he can try a new cocktail that he never had before.  He noticed there is a drink on the menu named "Hurricane Sandy."  The guy never heard of it before so he asks the bartender what is it.  The bartender replied "It's a watered down Manhattan."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32tk6b/the_hurricane_sandy/
%
At first there was only Adam...

After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"
God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"
Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"
God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."
Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32tjmj/at_first_there_was_only_adam/
%
My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike ..

my dad was holding me from behind ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32td3a/my_first_time_having_sex_was_like_my_first_time/
%
My wife and I are both feminists

But I'm a man so I'm a bit better than her at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32tb8x/my_wife_and_i_are_both_feminists/
%
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?

Michael Phelps can finish a race...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32t9wn/whats_the_difference_between_hitler_and_michael/
%
A man and his wife were riding to town on a horse driven carriage....(old one i heard from my grandpa)

they come upon a snake in the road. The horse refuses to move any further so the man gets down, throws the snake in the woods and gets the horse moving "that's one" he says. They continue down the path until they come upon a fallen tree, and the horse won't go around. So the man pushes and pushes on the tree to clear the path, climbs back on the carriage and says "that's two" he says and they go on their way. Then they come upon a river, shallow enough for them to cross but the horse simply won't go. So, the man climbs down, and attempts to make the horse go, but it just will not cross the water. The man says"that's three" and shoots the horse there on the spot. His wife, looking on in disgust says to him "that's the terrible! You didn't have to kill the horse! The man looks at her and says"that's one"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32t83v/a_man_and_his_wife_were_riding_to_town_on_a_horse/
%
Don't you just love whiteboards?

They're remarkable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32t70r/dont_you_just_love_whiteboards/
%
I am having a vasectomy today. Tell me your best ball jokes

I will start it off.
What did one ball say to the other?
Don't talk to the guy in the middle he's a dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32t5kn/i_am_having_a_vasectomy_today_tell_me_your_best/
%
In Russia during the height of the 1921 famine ,a bread queue has formed outside in freezing weather to feed the citizens but the bread truck hasn't arrived.

A party official comes up and says, "Hello comrades! There isn't enough bread to feed everyone today, so no bread will be given to any Jews."
All of the Jews, used to disappointment, shrug, pack up their things and go home.
Two hours go by as the snow keeps falling. The official returns and announces, "We're very sorry, comrades. There is even less bread than expected. Only members of the Communist party will be fed. Everyone else must go home."
The line shrinks even further.
Three more hours go by, the villagers shivering. The official returns, and says "It looks like we're very short. Only Party members who served in the war effort will be receiving bread today."
By now there are only ten or so old men waiting in the dusk, trying not to be buried in the snowdrifts. The official returns just around dinnertime.
"Apologies, comrades. There's no bread at all coming today. Return home and thanks for your service."
One of the veterans grumbles to the other: "This is terrible. I've been here since daybreak and my very bones are freezing."
"I know," the other snaps. "Lucky Jews!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32t4rm/in_russia_during_the_height_of_the_1921_famine_a/
%
Olive Oil

What's the difference between virgin olive oil and regular olive oil?
Popeye's cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32t4go/olive_oil/
%
A child asks his Grandpa for a cookie

The Grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"
The child says no, so the Grandpa says no.
Two years later the child asks if he can have a cookie
The Grandpa says again, "Can your penis touch your butt?"
The child says no again, so the Grandpa says no.
Another two years go by and the child asks if he can have a cookie.
The grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"
The child says yes
The Grandpa then says, "Then go fuck yourself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32t1k1/a_child_asks_his_grandpa_for_a_cookie/
%
A Brazilian and Argentinian find a lamp after a football (soccer) match...

On their way back from a very tight football match, two fans, one Brazilian and one Argentinian bump into each other and see a lamp at their feet.
Assuming there is a genie inside, they begin arguing who gets to rub the lamp first. The Brazilian concedes and allows the Argentinian to go first, stating "Well, we won the football match, so I'll let you have this one."
The extremely annoyed Argentinian rubs the lamp and a genie appears and says he will give him 1 wish. The Argentinian says "I want you to teleport all Argentinians in the world back to Argentina and build a wall around it that won't allow anything in or out; I can't stand these Brazilians anymore. " With that, the genie nods and builds a wall around Argentina and the man is teleported back to Argentina.
The Brazilian then asks the genie, "So there's a wall around Argentina, with all the Argentinians inside and nothing can go in or out?" The genie nods yes.
The man replies "Fill it with water."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32stpy/a_brazilian_and_argentinian_find_a_lamp_after_a/
%
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police...

He's now a seasoned veteran.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32stih/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/
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Knock Knock jokes ...

The guy who created Knock Knock jokes deserves a "No Bell" prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32st8t/knock_knock_jokes/
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A woman asks her husband at breakfast..

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says: "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ssel/a_woman_asks_her_husband_at_breakfast/
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There was a father with 3 daughters...

The first daughter comes up to him and asks "daddy, why is my name rose?" To which the dad replies "Because, sweetie, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head!".  Later the second daughter comes and says, "Father, why is my name violet?" And the dad replies
"Because, cutie, when you were born, a violet petal fell onto your head!" Then the third daughter goes up to the dad and yells "aghurGETRWRKshhhlishhmuh!" And the dad snaps back "SHUT UP, CINDERBLOCK!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32sqyv/there_was_a_father_with_3_daughters/
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Salesman at the Door

Salesman walks up to the door of a house and knocks.  A little boy opens the door, smoking a cigar and holding a glass of scotch in his hand.
The salesman says, "Excuse me son.. are either of your parents home?"
The little boy replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32sq0h/salesman_at_the_door/
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What do you call a handjob from a rocket scientist?

A stroke of genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32sp4o/what_do_you_call_a_handjob_from_a_rocket_scientist/
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An old man walks into a pub...

An old man walks into a pub, he goes to the bar & orders a beer. The bartender gives it to him and says : "three dollars, please". The old man stands up, goes to the right end of the bar and puts a dollar on it, then he walks to the left end of the bar and also puts a  dollar on it. He gets back to the center of the bar and puts the final  dollar in front of his beer. The bartender is quite angry but he can't refuse the money. The old man drinks his beer and walks away.
On the next day, he comes back, orders a beer and pays the same way. The bartender is getting more and more angry. For a week, the old man keeps coming and paying in this odd way.
A day, when he wants to pay, the old man notices he only got a five-dollar note. He gives it to the bartender, who is ready to take his revenge : He gives the beer, goes to the left end of the bar, puts a  dollar then to the right end and puts the second dollar. He goes back to the old man with a big smile on his face.
The old man doesn't move, drinks his beer, takes his wallet. He takes a  dollar, puts it in front of him and says : "I'll have another beer, please".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32snr1/an_old_man_walks_into_a_pub/
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How often do women become completely unreasonable?

Periodically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32snlo/how_often_do_women_become_completely_unreasonable/
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Scientists have discovered a Gene that makes women more receptive to threesomes

It's a recessive gene though, so both parents have to not love her for the trait to manifest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32snck/scientists_have_discovered_a_gene_that_makes/
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Proud Old Man

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy-eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the old guy says: "I’m telling everybody!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32slit/proud_old_man/
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A guy with a gun enters a bar..

'Who the fuck had sex with my wife?'
A voice was heard in the background 'You don`t have enough bullets mate!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32sklb/a_guy_with_a_gun_enters_a_bar/
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A broke but horny sailor is on shore leave from the navy...

so he finds the nearest brothel, goes up to the counter and says "I've only got $20$, what can I get for that?"
The old woman behind the counter says "Down the corridor, second door on the right.".
So he gives her the money, goes down the corridor and into the second door on the right. There on the table is a chicken, clucking away. So he thinks, 'fuck it, I've paid my money' and goes and fucks the chicken.
Next week, he's even more broke, and even hornier than last time so he goes back to the brothel and asks the woman at the counter "I've not got much but what can I get for $5 dollars?"
"Down the corridor, past the two doors on your right, up the stairs to the right and first door on your right." She says. So he goes down the corridor, past the two doors on his right, up the stairs and into the first door on the right.
Inside he sees 5 guys all crouched around something on the floor, wanking themselves off. He goes over and asks on of the guys, "What are you all looking at?"
The guy turns to him and shows him a hole in the floorboards. Through it he can see two gorgeous blonde lesbians going at it in the room below. "Wow, this is great! And I only paid $5!".
The other guy looks at him and says "Well you should have been here last week, there was a bloke fucking a chicken!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32shwo/a_broke_but_horny_sailor_is_on_shore_leave_from/
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This guy goes to the doctor for a physical...

This guy goes to the doctor for a physical.  The doctor says "well you have to stop masturbating".  The guys says "Why?".  Doctor says..."cuz I'm trying to give you a physical!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32sg4h/this_guy_goes_to_the_doctor_for_a_physical/
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A soldier ran up to a nun...

...Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to Iraq . The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32sfb4/a_soldier_ran_up_to_a_nun/
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Like most people my age, I'm 23.

.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32sedx/like_most_people_my_age_im_23/
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Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

To get to the same side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32saue/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_mobius_strip/
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Potato Patch

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32s8vv/potato_patch/
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Difference between I.T and management

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32s6v8/difference_between_it_and_management/
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32s40b/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and several other additional items".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32s0qq/barbie/
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What type of belly buttons do cars have?

Audi's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32rybe/what_type_of_belly_buttons_do_cars_have/
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So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chieftain has them bound and brought to the village square, where he announces their fate. "For trespassing on our land," he says, "you will all be sentenced to death! You will be killed, skinned, eaten, and have your hides tanned to make our war canoes with. However, because I am a just and merciful chieftain, I will allow you to choose the way you die."
They approach the Frenchman first, and ask him how he wants to die. "I have lived many years on zis world," he says, "and have loved for a long time. Now, I would like to go peacefully. Bring me herbs to put me to sleep, and herbs that will ensure that I will never wake up." The cannibals go out to find the most toxic herbs on the island and give them to the Frenchman, who eats them and falls to sleep, never to wake up. He is skinned before the others, and his flesh is taken to be cooked, and his hide is taken to be tanned.
Next, the Brit is approached. "Your friend is dead, and you are next. Tell us, how would you like to die?"
The Brit, ever the dignified one, says "I refuse to let down my honor, even in the face of certain death. Bring me a saber, and allow me to die in combat against the finest fighter amongst your number." The cannibals find two swords, and get their most ferocious warrior. The Brit, not knowing more than a bit of fencing, gets his neck neatly slit during the fight. He dies instantly, and is taken to be skinned. His meat is cooked, and his hide is turned into a canoe.
"At last, my American friend," the chieftain says, approaching the New Yorker, "it is your turn to join your fellows. Tell me, how do you wish to die?"
The New Yorker grins, and says "Bring me a fork."
The chieftain is confused, but motions for the tribe to produce a fork. When it is handed over to the New Yorker, he laughs and begins stabbing himself repeatedly with it, tearing apart every inch of his body with its prongs. Horrified, the chieftain yells "Stop! What are you doing to yourself?!?"
To which the New Yorker replies, "SO MUCH FOR YOUR DAMN CANOE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ruab/so_a_frenchman_a_brit_and_a_new_yorker_are/
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Sherlock Holmes was camping with Dr. Watson...

...and Mr. Holmes turned to his assistant: Tell me, Watson, what do you see?
Watson was puzzled by the remark, but he looked up and said, "Stars.  Millions and millions of them."
Holmes responded: "I agree.  And Dr. Watson, certainly you have picked up on many of my techniques of deduction.  Can you deduce something from what you see here?"
Dr. Watson looked at Mr. Holmes and said, "Well, I'm not as good as you are, by any stretch, but why not.  I deduce that from these millions of stars, there must be at least one planet not unlike ours which supports intelligent life.  I deduce that the universe is vast beyond measure, and that all of humanity is naught but a speck in the grandness of the cosmos.  I deduce that someday mankind will explore these uncharted realms and be basked in the greatness of the universe."
Mr. Holmes nods through all of this. "Anything else you can deduce?"
Watson is a little taken aback, and responds "Is there something that comes to mind for you?"
Holmes turns to his assistant, looks him dead in the eye, and states: "Watson you dunderhead; someone stole our tent."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32rsy8/sherlock_holmes_was_camping_with_dr_watson/
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What's the inverse of Kansas?

Arkansas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32rlo9/whats_the_inverse_of_kansas/
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a priest and a rabbi

> A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has developed a plan of eating for free in really good restaurants.
>
> "I simply go in at well past 9 in the evening; eat several courses slowly; linger over coffee, dessert, and a cigar. At about 2 am, as they are cleaning up, I keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.
>
> Then I say, 'I've already paid my original waiter, who has left for the night.'  And, because I am a man of the cloth,the waiter takes my word for it, and I just simply walk out the front door as calm as ever."
>
> The rabbi, clearly impressed says, "Let's try it together this evening."
>
> The priest agrees and books them into an expensive, 5-Star Italian restaurant.
> They both eat like kings and, just as before, right at 2 am, they are both sitting quietly after enjoying their very full meal.
>
> Sure enough, a waiter comes over and hands the priest & the rabbi a bill and asks them to pay. The priest calmly says: "I've already paid our original waiter who has left for the evening."
>
> And then the rabbi​ ​
> adds: "And we're still waiting for the change!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32rktx/a_priest_and_a_rabbi/
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Why don't you starve in the desert?

Because of the sand which is there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32rihw/why_dont_you_starve_in_the_desert/
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A teacher is teaching a class..

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32rhob/a_teacher_is_teaching_a_class/
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What type of blood does a keyboard have?

Typo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32rdw3/what_type_of_blood_does_a_keyboard_have/
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How did one gold atom greet the other gold atom?

'ey you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32r8hi/how_did_one_gold_atom_greet_the_other_gold_atom/
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A Couple Seeks Marriage Advice From Their Parents

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancee will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32r89v/a_couple_seeks_marriage_advice_from_their_parents/
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32r7sd/whats_brown_and_rhymes_with_snoop/
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Why did God make four cheeks on the human body?

He made an ass of the first two.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32r7gk/why_did_god_make_four_cheeks_on_the_human_body/
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What's the difference between a Mexican joke and a black joke?

Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32r70o/whats_the_difference_between_a_mexican_joke_and_a/
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Why did God create Adam before Eve?

To let him get a word in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32r62z/why_did_god_create_adam_before_eve/
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Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qye1/where_do_suicide_bombers_go_when_they_die/
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Have you ever heard of Ethiopian food?

Neither have they.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qy47/have_you_ever_heard_of_ethiopian_food/
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The Id, The Ego, and The Super Ego walk into a bar....

The Id, The Ego, and The Super Ego walk into a bar. No they didn't! Yes, they did! None of this even matters!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qxqx/the_id_the_ego_and_the_super_ego_walk_into_a_bar/
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I buy this girl a drink

So I buy this girl a drink at the bar and you know what she does? She says thanks and gives it to her boyfriend. Normally that would piss me off, but it was fucking hilarious watching him drink that roofie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qxqv/i_buy_this_girl_a_drink/
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I can't stop making figurines of Frodo

It's hobbit forming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qvee/i_cant_stop_making_figurines_of_frodo/
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COMPUTER DIAGNOSIS

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qqek/computer_diagnosis/
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How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You wouldn't know.  You weren't there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qo91/how_many_vietnam_vets_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What's the difference between a Grayhound station and a lobster who got a boob job?

Ones a crusty ass bus station, the other is a busty ass crustacean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qngv/whats_the_difference_between_a_grayhound_station/
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Little Johnny strikes again!

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'. Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qhtb/little_johnny_strikes_again/
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Why did the USSR have so many lower case letters?

Because they aren't capitalist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qg3g/why_did_the_ussr_have_so_many_lower_case_letters/
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Nike just announced it will now be using robots instead of children to make shoes

Unfortunately, the robots will be made by children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qelk/nike_just_announced_it_will_now_be_using_robots/
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I can't stand Freud...

him and his motherfucking complex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qdri/i_cant_stand_freud/
%
A farmer couple is visited by aliens

Two space aliens, a male and a female, land their ship in the middle of a farm and meet the husband and wife who own it. They start talking and the farmers put them up in their house for a few weeks. They exchange stories about culture and technology. On the last night before the aliens depart, the two couples decide to swap spouses just to see what the sex is like.
The woman farmer goes to bed with the male alien, looks down at his junk and couldn't hide her disappointment. "That's it?"
"Ah, one second," says the alien and cranks one of his ears. His penis lengthens several times in size.
"Okay but now it's just weirdly long and skinny..."
"Ah, one second," says the alien and cranks his other ear. His penis swells with girth.
The next morning, the farmers watch the spaceship fly away. The wife is radiant: "What a night, what a night! I'll never forget it. How about you?"
The husband grumbles: "What about me? That bitch spent the whole night just cranking my ears."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qbq7/a_farmer_couple_is_visited_by_aliens/
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You know you're in a seedy part of town

when you ask the waitress for coke and she says "is meth ok?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qbiq/you_know_youre_in_a_seedy_part_of_town/
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If I said I haven't had a bowel movement today. . .

I'd be full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32qaga/if_i_said_i_havent_had_a_bowel_movement_today/
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First time having sex was like my first time riding a bike

My dad was holding me from behind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32q9x0/first_time_having_sex_was_like_my_first_time/
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I recently became friends with someone from Central Europe

We met at a Chess tournament and I've never once beaten him in a game.
He's my Czech mate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32q3my/i_recently_became_friends_with_someone_from/
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What currency do they use in space?

Star bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32q2jg/what_currency_do_they_use_in_space/
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Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse

One says to the other, "I'll start at the head, you start at the feet." They start to eat, and after awhile the one at the head yells to the other one, "Hey, how's it going?" The other replies, "I'm having a ball!" Getting mad, the one at the head yells, "Dammit, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32pxqt/two_cannibals_just_got_their_hands_on_a_corpse/
%
Why is Santa's sack so big?

He only comes once a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ptfs/why_is_santas_sack_so_big/
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Today I found out my roommate was pansexual...

Needless to say I was pretty shocked when I woke up and found him in bed with all of our kitchenware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32pq6o/today_i_found_out_my_roommate_was_pansexual/
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American businessman

is in Japan on an important trip. He has an afternoon golf outing to sew up a deal. Before he goes, he decides to visit a bath house and Geisha. The Geisha comes in and massages him and gives the "signal" for more. He pays the fee and she gives him oral and then climbs aboard and sensually rides him. Becoming very turned on the businessman spins her around and doggies her. As he is going she is apparently turned on also, the normally reserved Geisha yells "Tosheeska, Oh Tosheeska!" This makes the guy climax and the Geisha gathers her things and leaves. The guy meets his Japanese business partners at the first hole at the golf course. It's a par 5 and he drives the green on the second shot feeling so confident from his Geisha visit. He putts and holes it for an eagle. He can hardly contain himself, but he wants to say something the other guys will understand how happy he is. So he decides to yell "Tosheeska, Tosheeska!!" There is an uncomfortable silence and on of the businessmen asks " Why you yell 'Wrong Hole!?' "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32pp68/american_businessman/
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Premature Ejokeulation

What do you call it when someone puts the punchline to a joke in the title?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32pn2p/premature_ejokeulation/
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$10 COMPLAINT

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32pky9/10_complaint/
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A jew sees an opportunity to earn easy money

In advertisement on a wall, a jobless Russian offers a great deal, he claim to cure anyone of any condition for a mere 5000 euro, and if he fail he promises to pay 10 000 euro back . A passing jew sees this opportunity, and decides to earn some easy money and so he enters the building..
Jew: I havent been able to taste anything lately, please help me!
Russian: Nurse, please, bring package #22 with the syrup and give it to the patient.
*he pours the substance into the jew's mouth*
Jew: Euuuuuuwww, is this fucking urine!!??
Russian: Congratulations, you have been cured!!
*Angrily, the jew hands over 5000 euro, but after a few days he comes back with a new plan*
Jew: Hello, I lost my memory, please help me!
Russian: Nurse, please bring the package #22 with the syrup!
Jew: But that package contains urine! I aint gonna drink that!
Russian: Congratulations, you regained your memory! 5000, please.
*Even more upset, the jew pays the bill, but after a week, he comes back with a better plan*
Jew: Hello, I lost my sight, I cant see anything, please help!
Russian: Oh we are very sorry, we are very sorry we cant help you. Here, your 10 000 euro.
Jew: But I see only 5000 euros!!
Russian: Congratulations, you just gained your sight! Another 5000 please!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ph76/a_jew_sees_an_opportunity_to_earn_easy_money/
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What is the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I didn't pay 50 bucks to have a lentil on my face last night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32pgp7/what_is_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32pgee/i_told_a_girl_in_the_pub_about_my_ability_to/
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What's the difference between a Priest and Acne?

Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32pdfz/whats_the_difference_between_a_priest_and_acne/
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What do you call an extremely flamboyant loaf of bread?

A faggette

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32pa3q/what_do_you_call_an_extremely_flamboyant_loaf_of/
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Why is North Korea disliked by South Korea?

It's because they are a Seoulless nation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32p9is/why_is_north_korea_disliked_by_south_korea/
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Poor Little Johnny...

Little Johnny is sitting on his porch crying.
His neighbor, Mr. Smith, is concerned, comes over and asks "Johnny, why are ya crying like that?"
Johnny says sobbingly, "Oh Mr. Smith, I just came home from school and found my Dad dead on the floor and I don't know what to do!"
Mr. Smith is shocked and says "Oh no Johnny. How can I help? Let me go get the town priest for you?"
To which Johnny states "God no...  I can't think about sex at a time like this!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32p33r/poor_little_johnny/
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A Frenchman, Englishman and a woman on a plane.

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and a woman sitting together on a plane.
The pilot made an apologetic announcement that the passenger lighting was faulty and may go out for periods of time during their journey.
Right on cue, the lights went out and it was completely dark.
Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud *SLAP*.
When the lights came back on, the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman had a nasty red slap mark on his face.
The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead."
The woman was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it."
The English guy was thinking: "This is great. The next time the power goes out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French guy again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32p2v1/a_frenchman_englishman_and_a_woman_on_a_plane/
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

The bartender looks at him for a second and says "Alright. I'll ask. What's with the steering wheel?"
The pirate says "YAR! It be drivin' me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32p1hz/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar_with_a_steering_wheel/
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I submitted a glass pane in for a competition.

I'm hoping I can window.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32p142/i_submitted_a_glass_pane_in_for_a_competition/
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What is Mozart doing right now?

Decomposing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32p0ba/what_is_mozart_doing_right_now/
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Women are like raincoats.

In a box in my attic marked "raincoats."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32p091/women_are_like_raincoats/
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There's so much porn floating around the internet these days...

I just shake my fist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32owvs/theres_so_much_porn_floating_around_the_internet/
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What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?

Ones a snack cracker and the others a crack snacker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32owgf/whats_the_difference_between_a_lesbian_and_a_ritz/
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Text response from a confused carcass:

I decay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32owfn/text_response_from_a_confused_carcass/
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If at first you don't succeed

Then skydiving isn't for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32outv/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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What does Supertramp do after buying rice?

They take the long-grain home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32oup7/what_does_supertramp_do_after_buying_rice/
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A man walk into a doctors room with a frog hanging out of his ear.

"What on Earth happened?" The doctor said, surprised.
"I don't know, it started with a boil on my arse." the frog said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32otvn/a_man_walk_into_a_doctors_room_with_a_frog/
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What do you call Floyd Mayweather a month before his fight?

Floyd Aprilweather

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32otp5/what_do_you_call_floyd_mayweather_a_month_before/
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Did you know that Davy Crockett had three ears?

It's true! He had a left ear, a right ear, and a wild front ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32osen/did_you_know_that_davy_crockett_had_three_ears/
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There are multiple prisoners in a Nazi concentration camp

The commandant walks through the line of prisoners and instructs each one to act like a clock. The first prisoner says "tick", the second says "tock", and so on and so forth. However, the last prisoner refuses to make a "tock" sound. The commandant walks up to the prisoner and tells him, (German accent) "You know we have ways of making you tock".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32oq5h/there_are_multiple_prisoners_in_a_nazi/
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It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day.

And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32opxs/it_took_me_two_hours_to_grill_a_chicken_the_other/
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A man gets in a fight with his wife

A man gets in an argument with his wife during dinner. After the meal, the husband furiously runs down to their wine cellar and opens a bottle of vintage wine. Magically, a genie comes out of the bottle and says "You have freed me. You now have three wishes. But you should know, whatever you wish for, your wife will get double."
The man says "I understand. My first wish will be a large beach house."
The genie snapped his fingers and said "Your new beach house is waiting for you. But your wife now has two beach houses right next to yours."
"That's fine" the man said. "How about a nice sports car?"
The genie snapped his fingers and said "Your brand new sports car is in your garage. But your wife now has two sports cars. You have one more wish."
The man thought and thought about what his last wish should be. After a few hours of thinking, he stood up and told the genie "I wish you would beat me half to death."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32onpn/a_man_gets_in_a_fight_with_his_wife/
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A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

... when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few doobies. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "fuuuuuuck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32olgb/a_monkey_is_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint/
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I rate the next One Direction album...

...four out of five stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ok7a/i_rate_the_next_one_direction_album/
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A drunken man staggers in to a church...

....and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking mate, there's no toilet paper in this one either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ok5i/a_drunken_man_staggers_in_to_a_church/
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How does every ethnic joke start?

By looking over your shoulder

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32oing/how_does_every_ethnic_joke_start/
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A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was...

....His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.
That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis."
The next day the second four year old boy met the first four year old boy and called him behind a hedge. The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32odlm/a_fouryearold_boy_asked_his_friend_what_a_penis/
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What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A♭ miner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ocag/what_do_you_get_if_you_drop_a_piano_down_a_mine/
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What game do Africans play everyday?

THE HUNGER GAMES
(I'M GOING TO HELL)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32oayk/what_game_do_africans_play_everyday/
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On the outskirts of a small town...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful
of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me...' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord... Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.... .  .  . 	 .  .  They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32oart/on_the_outskirts_of_a_small_town/
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* When my name is in a math problem *

Class: 'stares at me'
Me: That's right bitches. I bought 60 watermelons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32o8bo/when_my_name_is_in_a_math_problem/
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How many tickles does it take to make a japanese girl laugh?

Ten Tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32o1vz/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_a_japanese/
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Survey

I asked 100 women what brand of shampoo they use while showering.
99 out of those 100 answered : "How the fuck did you get in here you asshole!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32o1q2/survey/
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One day a man wandered too far away

From his camp, he knows he needs to head east and he searches for hours trying to find the sun.
Then it dawned on him.
(Thought of this joke at work, might have sounded better in my head)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32o0af/one_day_a_man_wandered_too_far_away/
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Why do professional boxers not have sex the night before a big fight?

Because they don't like each other very much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32nx7m/why_do_professional_boxers_not_have_sex_the_night/
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What do you call the security guys at Samsung

The guardians of the galaxy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ntkh/what_do_you_call_the_security_guys_at_samsung/
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What's the hardest part about rollerblading?

Telling your parents that you're gay

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32nt1t/whats_the_hardest_part_about_rollerblading/
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Give a man a fire, and He'll be warm for the night.

Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32nsp4/give_a_man_a_fire_and_hell_be_warm_for_the_night/
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A Hydrogen atom suddenly exclaimed: "I think I just lost my electron!"

"Are you sure?" Asked its friend,
"Yes" replied the first, "I'm positive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32nqak/a_hydrogen_atom_suddenly_exclaimed_i_think_i_just/
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and stainless steel testicles?

Sparky.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32nni4/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_hind_legs_and/
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It's not that I don't know how to juggle...

I just don't have the balls to do it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32nn6n/its_not_that_i_dont_know_how_to_juggle/
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Chinese Joke– A Good Boy 好孩子 hǎo hái zi

yíɡè xiǎo nánháiér xiànɡ tāde māmɑ yào liǎnɡkuài qián.
一个 小男孩儿 向 他的 妈妈 要 两块钱。
A little boy asked his mother for two yuan.
“wǒ zuótiān ɡěinǐ de qián, nǐ zuò shénme le?”
“我 昨天 给你的 钱，你 做什么 了?”
"What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
“wǒ ɡěile yíɡè hěn qiónɡ de lǎo nǚrén.”
“我 给了 一个 很穷的 老 女人。”
“I gave it to a very poor old woman.”
“nǐ zhēn shìɡè hǎo háizi! ” māmɑ jiāoào de shuō.
“你 真 是个 好孩子!” 妈妈 骄傲地 说。
"You're a good boy!" said the mother proudly.
“zài ɡěinǐ liǎnɡkuài. dànshì wèishénme nǐ duì nàɡè lǎo nǚrén ɡǎnxìnɡqù ne? ”
“再 给你 两块。但是 为什么 你 对 那个 老女人 感兴趣 呢？”
"Here are two yuan more. But why are you interested in the old woman?"
“tā shì mài tánɡɡuǒ de.”
“她是 卖糖果的。”
“She is the one who sells the candy.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32nmpl/chinese_joke_a_good_boy_好孩子_hǎo_hái_zi/
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I was having lunch with Boris, the Estonian IT guy....

He was telling me about the crazy night he had before moving to the US. He said
"I drank so much I go home with two Soviet prostitutes who live together with their fancy grey cat."
"Russian blue?"
"No but Ukrainian gave handjob!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32nlbt/i_was_having_lunch_with_boris_the_estonian_it_guy/
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The Moth Joke (credit to Norm MacDonald)

This is my absolute favorite joke of all time. (Not his exact wording, but the way I tell it.)
"A moth walks into a podiatrist' s office. When he gets into the exam room the doctor says: Hello moth, what can I do for you?"
The moth replies: "Well doc, I'm incredibly depressed. I'm feel like my life is falling away from underneath me. I've work at the book bindery for Peter Ilynovich for 25 years. Not once in my career have I had a raise. I'm not even sure he knows my name. I have absolutely no passion for my job. I don't have any passion in my life at all for that matter. I lie awake at night, deeply troubled. When I turn to my sleeping wife, I do not even recognize her. She has not aged well. Where is the beautiful moth I married? My mind then turns to my daughter, Anastasia. She died in the great war. She was the only joy in my life, and now she is just a distant memory."
He begins to weep.
I then think of my other child. I think of my son, Gregaro, and how I cannot look him in the eye, for if I do , I see the same cowardice that I see every time I look in the mirror at my pathetic reflection. I see the same cowardice that keeps me from taking the loaded pistol on my bedside table, cocking it, placing it against my temple, and pulling the trigger."
The moth becomes even more morose. He continues:
.
"I feel like a spider... even though I am a moth... hanging from a single thread above an eternal inferno, burning white hot with shame and regret. I believe the only way out of this miserable existence is to take my own life."
The podiatsist takes along hard look at the moth in silenc. After a moment he says:
"I am very sorry you are so deeply troubled, moth. But you need to see a Psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come to see me?"
The moth looks at the podiatrist and says:
"Well, the light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32nhqr/the_moth_joke_credit_to_norm_macdonald/
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Doctor said getting some natural light would help with my depression.

Now I'm depressed *and* hung over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32nhkq/doctor_said_getting_some_natural_light_would_help/
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A Buddhist walks into a 7/11

and gives the cashier ten bucks for a pack of smokes.
The cashier takes the money and says "Thank you. Come again!"
The Buddhist says "Hey, what about my change?"
To which the cashier replies "Change comes from within"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ng0i/a_buddhist_walks_into_a_711/
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I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32nfxy/i_caught_my_wife_cheating_with_my_best_friend/
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The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite

So he went back four seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32nffg/the_time_traveler_was_still_hungry_after_his_last/
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A black guy with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar.

The Bartender says, "Hey, that is really something. Where'd you get it?"
"Africa," says the parrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32nb9l/a_black_guy_with_a_beautiful_parrot_on_his/
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Former eye doctor Rand Paul decided to run for president in 2016

Of all people, you would have thought he'd have 2020 vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32n373/former_eye_doctor_rand_paul_decided_to_run_for/
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A king is picking the music to be played at his party

A king is throwing an extravagant party, and wants the perfect music to go along, but he can't decide who to have perform. So, he asks his most highly esteemed servant for advice.
"I am looking for a new unique style of music to be played at the party," says the king.
"Well, how about Johann Bach?" suggests the servant.
"He's great and everything," says the king, "But I want something new and unique"
The servant says, "Well what about oldest son, William Bach? He has mastered the art of classical music"
At this point the King is getting irritated. "No, no, no. I want something fresh and new and refreshing to hear. We've all heard of classical music"
"I know just the person you're looking for!" says the servant. "His youngest son David Bach has a style unlike that of his brothers and father. How does that sound?"
The king, furious at his servants similar  suggestions, screams, "What's wrong with you? Can't you think outside the Bachs?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32n2h6/a_king_is_picking_the_music_to_be_played_at_his/
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32n0au/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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A redneck Texan, Swiss, Korean and a Mexican were flying..

... on a way to Hawaii for a vacation, sitting next to each other. It was a long flight and getting pretty boring. Suddenly, the Mexican pulled out a bottle of expensive Tequila bottle from his bag and broke out the silence by showing his bottle said, "you know, in Mexico we get Tequila everywhere and this bottle is like nothing to me" and then threw out of window to the ocean, just for the sake of fun. Then the Korean got a little annoyed and said, "eh.. that's nothing. In Korea, we got expensive Samsung phone everywhere." He then manages to pull out a Samsung Galaxy phone from his pocket and threw it out of the window. Then the Swiss man was like " guys.. guys.., calm down, you think that's impressive?! In Switzerland we have Rolex watches literally everywhere and it means nothing to me." And then he took a Rolex out of his wrist and threw it shit out of the window, surprising everybody. Then the redneck was perplexed for a while and finally said, "uhh..you guys. That's nothing at all. Suddenly he opened the emergency door and threw the Mexican guy out of the plane. And said "in Texas ...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32n075/a_redneck_texan_swiss_korean_and_a_mexican_were/
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give a man a fish and you feed him for a day

Teach a man how to Google how to fish and he'll watch fish porn for the rest of his life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32mylj/give_a_man_a_fish_and_you_feed_him_for_a_day/
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After hearing that Diarrhea causes the most deaths...

I realized I'm next. Diarrhea's hereditary, and it runs in my genes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32mvtp/after_hearing_that_diarrhea_causes_the_most_deaths/
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What happened to the frog who parked illegally?

he got toad

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32mulw/what_happened_to_the_frog_who_parked_illegally/
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Here, a joke, that you will find. Find it funny? Well you decide. (Long Asian.. Joke, It's okay guys, I'm asian so I can write it)

So there's a White guy, a Black guy, and an Asian Guy.
They were all on a tv show with one woman. The catch of this show was to bring a women to tears, by bringing out her emotions. The White guy bought her a caramel latte from StarBucks, thinking such gifts would make this girl get on her knees and beg him to take her, but He failed and gave up. The black man was next. He thought that emotions could rile her up to cry. So he talked about how he would love her like the Father he never had, he ended up crying, failed and left the show. Now it was the Asian mans turn. He walked in like a boss and whispered into her ear "Hey, you sexay laadddaayyy, You want duh luving pho cheap?" as he gently stroked the side of her face. It was after that, that she finally broke down into tears, crying unendingly. After the show, the two men asked the asian guy, how the hell he did that? The asian guy replied, it's an old trick I learned from my ancestors and has been passed down for generations. I rub ghost pepper on hand and rub her face, she cry after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32moyj/here_a_joke_that_you_will_find_find_it_funny_well/
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How much blow can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill Two and a half Men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32mn6z/how_much_blow_can_charlie_sheen_do/
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Chocolate Ice Cream Joke

This old lady walks into an Ice Cream parlor. The young man asks her what she wants and she says, "Just give me a scoop of chocolate in a cone."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," he replies, "We're out of chocolate."
"Oh that's okay! Tell you what, scratch the cone, give me a bowl with a scoop of vanilla and.. hmm... I guess a scoop of chocolate on top!"
A little annoyed, the young man says, "Well I can give you a bowl with a scoop of vanilla, but like I said before, we're out of chocolate."
The lady smiles and shakes her head, "I'm sorry! I'm getting older, I just forgot. Let's go with a waffle cone, and put a scoop of vanilla in it, a scoop of strawberry on that, and uh... let's see... Just a scoop of chocolate on top for me!"
Visibly angry now, the young man behind the counter says, "Ma'am, can you do me a favor and spell the 'VAN' in 'Vanilla'?"
"V-A-N" She says.
"Great, can you spell the 'STRAW' in 'Strawberry'?"
"S-T-R-A-W" she spells out confidently.
"Wonderful," He says, "Now can you spell the 'FUCK' in 'Chocolate'?"
"F-U-C... Wait.. There is no 'fuck' in 'chocolate'..." She says.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you, bitch! There is no fuckin' chocolate!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32mlcx/chocolate_ice_cream_joke/
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What does the Pillsbury Doughboy see when he looks down?

His Doughnuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32mk87/what_does_the_pillsbury_doughboy_see_when_he/
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What did the Buddhist say when asked if he'd like to move from Tibet to North Korea?

Nah. I'ma stay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32mjot/what_did_the_buddhist_say_when_asked_if_hed_like/
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Titanic sank 103 years ago...

...making it the only thing your mom didn't go down on! Hi-YO!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32mhx1/titanic_sank_103_years_ago/
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A couple is taking a shower together.

A couple is taking a shower together and the wife hears the door bell, she hops out the shower and puts a towel on. She opens the door to see Jonny from across the street and said hi. Shocked to see a fine middle aged women naked under a towel, Jonny offers her $100 to drop the towel to her waist. She hesitated but took his offer and showed him her tits, Not fully satisfied he offers her another $100 to drop her towel completely to the floor. As crazy as it sounded to the wife, she snatched the $100 and dropped her towel. Jonny soon went on his way with a smile and the wife with $200 bucks for getting naked. The wife headed back in the shower and her husband ask who was it? she say ohhh It was just Jonny from across the street, and the husband said oh did he mention anything about that $200 he owed me?
Not my joke, a joke I remember a customer telling me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32mhtc/a_couple_is_taking_a_shower_together/
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What do you call Harrison Ford making a Venn diagram?

Comparrison Ford!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32mcgr/what_do_you_call_harrison_ford_making_a_venn/
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Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are driving down the road

An officer pulls Heisenberg over and asks "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I'm going." The officer says, "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg says "Great, now I'm lost..." Then the officer, thinking this is suspicious, asks him to pop the trunk. The officer says "Hey, do y'all know there's a dead cat in here?" Shrödinger says, "We do now, asshole!" The officer says "I give up. I'm arresting you." Ohm resists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32mavj/heisenberg_schrödinger_and_ohm_are_driving_down/
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A math teacher ask his students, "What is 5Q + 5Q?"

The class responds, "10Q."
The teacher responds, "You're welcome/"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32m89o/a_math_teacher_ask_his_students_what_is_5q_5q/
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I was Hungary...

so Iran to Turkey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32lnhx/i_was_hungary/
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How many times does a woman laugh after you tell her a joke?

Three. When you tell it to her, then when you explain it to her, and then when she gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ln91/how_many_times_does_a_woman_laugh_after_you_tell/
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Three moles smell something.

Papa mole first pokes his head out of the hole and sniffs. He then says "I smell some good pancakes and syrup." Next mama mole pokes her head out of the hole and says "all I smell is fruits and honey." Then baby mole tries to poke his head out of the hole and says " I can't smell anything except molasses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32lmcc/three_moles_smell_something/
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What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out?

"Time to try the udder one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ljn6/what_did_the_farmer_say_when_he_tried_to_milk_the/
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How do you know if someone owns an Apple Watch?

Don't worry, they will tell you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32lids/how_do_you_know_if_someone_owns_an_apple_watch/
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It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..."

"...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32lg5j/its_like_my_uncle_always_said_the_day_i_cant_do/
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My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores around the property before they headed to a new city.
In 1860 Abraham Lincoln actually stayed with my great great great grandma. She was a pretty bossy lady and gave Lincoln a long list of chores to do as soon as she met him. Finally when he thought he was done, my grandma said "Last chores Abraham. For dinner we're having stew, corn on the cob, and apple pie. I'll work on the stew, but you're going to be on the front porch shucking corn and peeling apples until there's nothing left in front of you." And with that, she led him outside where there were two huge baskets filled to the brim with apples and corn.
Abraham started peeling and shucking. Periodically my grandma would check on him to see how much he had left to get an idea of when they'd eat. Little known fact about Abraham Lincoln, but he is very bad at shucking corn and peeling apples.
After checking on him for what felt like the tenth time, my grandma was real frustrated. She said "Abraham, how the hell can you be expected to lead a country if you can't even help with dinner!?"
And Abraham Lincoln replied, "relax Mrs. Lee, I have four cores and seven ears to go."
My dad CLAIMS he invented this. He has lots of others like it with similar punchlines where he rewords common sayings - 'brass is always cleaner on the other slide,' etc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32lf1a/my_dad_claims_to_have_invented_this_joke_i_think/
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A horse walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32leyj/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
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My wife said

"why do you always treat me like a cunt?" I didn't know what to say, so I just put 2 fingers in her mouth and licked her nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32lc5x/my_wife_said/
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How many shrinks does it take to change a tire?

Well, first the tire really has to want to change...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32lbg3/how_many_shrinks_does_it_take_to_change_a_tire/
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I used to be poor. Then I found a thesaurus

now I am impecunious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32lamt/i_used_to_be_poor_then_i_found_a_thesaurus/
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A man walks into a bar and orders 11 shots.

The the bartender pours the shots and asks the man what the occasion is. The man says "First time for a blow job today." The bartender congratulated the man and said "For such an occasion, I'll add a 12th shot on the house." The man said "Nah, don't worry about it. If 11 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, 12 won't either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32l7ko/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_11_shots/
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why did my wife cross the road?

To go back into the first clothes shop we went into two hours ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32l3nu/why_did_my_wife_cross_the_road/
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What's the difference between a Jew and Santa Claus?

Santa goes down the chimney

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32l2kz/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_santa_claus/
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32l20v/during_my_prostate_exam_i_asked_the_doctor_where/
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I think my girlfriend might be a vegetarian...

...because I've never met a girl like herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32l15g/i_think_my_girlfriend_might_be_a_vegetarian/
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Why are the best psychoanalysists Asian?

Because they grew up listening to Pink Freud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32kzqn/why_are_the_best_psychoanalysists_asian/
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A masochist asks a sadist

"Please hurt me."
"No," replies the sadist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32kwq4/a_masochist_asks_a_sadist/
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The doctor says to the patient "I have horrible news."

"I'm afraid you have cancer and Alzheimer's disease."
The patient sighs and says "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32kwio/the_doctor_says_to_the_patient_i_have_horrible/
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Meteorologists always have their heads in the clouds

But gastroenterologists take shit seriously

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32kvgx/meteorologists_always_have_their_heads_in_the/
%
A snail was mugged by two turtles.

When the police asked him
what happened, he said "I don’t know. It all happened so fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ku1b/a_snail_was_mugged_by_two_turtles/
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A woman is in the hospital after she had a baby

.  A nurse comes in holding the newborn child.
Right as she enters the room, the nurse trips, dropping the baby on the floor.
The mother starts screaming, 'AHH, MY BABY!'
The nurse lunges to pick the baby up, but instead, kicks it across the floor and under the radiator.
The mother continues screaming.
The nurse goes to fetch the baby and as she picks it up, smashes the baby's head against the radiator.
The mother is in absolute hysterics.
At that point, the nurse starts laughing.
The mother screams, "What the hell is wrong with you!?"
The nurse says, "calm down, calm down.  It was a joke!
Your baby was already dead".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ktka/a_woman_is_in_the_hospital_after_she_had_a_baby/
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An old mans walks into the church

he approaches the secretary and says "excuse me but I'd like join the fuckin' church"
the flabbergasted secretary says "excuse me sir, but we do not use that kind of language here"
The old man replies "look lady I don't wanna hear no shit, I just wanna join the fuckin' church"
The pastor hears the commotion and comes outside to investigate, he sees the man and says "what seems to be the trouble?" The old man looks at him and says "look, I've lived my whole life being terrible to others, I've made billions of dollars but now I want to get some fucking religion before I die"
Pastor says, "Is this cunt giving you a hard time?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32kthc/an_old_mans_walks_into_the_church/
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I bought a My Little Pony T-shirt the other day.

Because sometimes I just don't want anyone to approach me for any reason at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32kteu/i_bought_a_my_little_pony_tshirt_the_other_day/
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I’d like to buy some dog food

MAN: I’d like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He’s at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I’m sorry; I can’t sell this dog food to you unless Isee the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I’d like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He’s at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can’t sell this cat food to you unless I see
your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What’s in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It’s warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32kt45/id_like_to_buy_some_dog_food/
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A pharmacy was broken into and the only thing stolen was a case of Viagra

Police say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32krv4/a_pharmacy_was_broken_into_and_the_only_thing/
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My grandma started walking 5 miles a day when she turned 60

Now she's 97 and no one has any idea where the hell she is

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32kouo/my_grandma_started_walking_5_miles_a_day_when_she/
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A couple crash their car before getting married

When they arrive at heavens gates they ask saint peter if they could get married in heaven saint peter says he will have a look. After six months he returns saying that they can. After one year they go to saint peter asking for a divorce. To which saint peter replies with " DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO FIND A PRIEST? HOW AM I GOING TO FIND A LAWYER?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32kmng/a_couple_crash_their_car_before_getting_married/
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Lawyer Riddle

A high priced lawyer, a low priced lawyer and the tooth fairy are sitting at a table. There is a $20 bill in the middle of the table. All of a sudden, the lights in the room go off. When they come back on, the $20 bill is gone. Who took it?
The high priced lawyer, because the low priced lawyer and the tooth fairy are figments of your imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ki64/lawyer_riddle/
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What do the Greeks sing while at sea?

ρ ρ ρ your boat, gently down the stream...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32kbzf/what_do_the_greeks_sing_while_at_sea/
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Whenever I have trouble getting out of a hot shower, I simply count down from 100.

Today I got to -634.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32kbjg/whenever_i_have_trouble_getting_out_of_a_hot/
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There are ten types of people in this world

Those who understand binary and.. wait, shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32kace/there_are_ten_types_of_people_in_this_world/
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A businessman goes to the doctor about an intimate problem... NSFW

"Well, it's a bit embarrassing," he says.
"That's OK," says the doctor. "Take your time and start at the beginning."
The businessman takes a deep breath, and begins.
"I think it's my lifestyle " he says. "You see, every morning I get woken up by my maid. She's a gorgeous blonde, and we have passionate sex. Then I get chauffeured to the office. My driver is a stunning brunette and we always park up on the way to make love on the back seat. Then I get to the office, and I have sex with my secretary, who's a beautiful redhead. During the day I often have my way with a couple of the female staff members. Then I have my secretary again before I leave, my driver in the car on the way back and make love to my maid before bed time."
"Blimey!" Exclaims the doctor. "You must be the luckiest man alive. What could possibly be the problem?"
"Well," says the businessman. "It hurts when I wank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32k9rv/a_businessman_goes_to_the_doctor_about_an/
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Did you hear about the mechanic who accidentally punctured the wheels of his car?

He retired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32k5id/did_you_hear_about_the_mechanic_who_accidentally/
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Air conditioning?

Not a fan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32jz2f/air_conditioning/
%
"You want to see a pig with three eyes?"

A piiig

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32jxbt/you_want_to_see_a_pig_with_three_eyes/
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I have sex daily.

I mean dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32jrqp/i_have_sex_daily/
%
A priest goes golfing

He tees up on the first hole, takes a swing, and the ball curves to the right. "Ah shit," the priest says before he realized what slipped out of his mouth. He quickly covers his mouth, apologizes to god, and continues playing golf.
A couple holes down, he tees up and the ball curves hard to the left. "Ah shit," the priest yells again.
The sky gets dark and a voice is heard above.
"You are supposed to set an example, watch your language!"
A couple holes down, the priest misses a terribly easy putt. "Shit shit shit!" The priest yells as he breaks his putter.
The sky gets even darker than before, and a lightning bolt comes down and strikes the caddie.
The voice in the sky goes, "Ah shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32jr8k/a_priest_goes_golfing/
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How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32jqtz/how_many_vietnam_veterans_does_it_take_to_screw/
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A bear goes into a bar

walks up to the counter and blops down, doesn't say a word and after a while the bartender asks "what'll it be bud?"
The bear looks up from the counter and yes, "I think ill have..." and after 10 seconds goes, "a gin and tonic"
bartender nods and says, " well alright, but whats up with the pause."
Bear looks down and says, "what these? had em for years"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32jnn1/a_bear_goes_into_a_bar/
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I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer.

No one will do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32jlki/i_spent_the_last_two_years_trying_to_find_my_ex/
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Two atoms are walking down the street...

Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"
"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.
To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32jj53/two_atoms_are_walking_down_the_street/
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What's Paul Walker's favorite energy drink???

N.O.S.
too bad he can't handle the crash...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32j989/whats_paul_walkers_favorite_energy_drink/
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What's Scrooge's favourite food?

A humbug'er.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32j816/whats_scrooges_favourite_food/
%
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32j46t/did_you_hear_about_the_fire_at_the_circus/
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What's the difference between rearranging your schedule and getting to second base with an ex-girlfriend?

One is playing with your priorities, the other is playing with prior titties!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32j0xv/whats_the_difference_between_rearranging_your/
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A beer goes into a bar.

He gets drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32izcb/a_beer_goes_into_a_bar/
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Joke tutorial

**intro**
I love this joke, and I feel like this is a great place to put it. I ALWAYS get someone with this joke. The story can be a variation, but the punch line has to be a certain way.  PROTIP: tell the joke in a group, the sucker will never live it down.
**Joke**
These two gay guys meet up for their weekly game of "guess what's in my ass." They head to the hotel room, strip down, lube up, and get down to business. The first guy suggests his buddy go first, he agrees, bends over and closes his eyes. The first guy gets a lamp and sticks it bulb-first in his buddies ass. WOAH, says the second guy...that's a lamp. Correct, my turn says the first guy, who bends over and closes his eyes. The second guy shoves a broom-handle in the first guys ass. DAMN, says the first guy, that's a broom-handle. Correct says the second guy who exclaims, "my turn!" He bends over and closes his eyes.
**important part**
The first guy proceeds to ream his buddy with...uh...with uh...
**the joke teller should make up and down motions (like unclogging a toilet) and mumble about a "toilet thingy"**
If you've done this correctly, your sucker should correct you and say, "toilet plunger" to which you reply.
**punchline**
"Ah, I see you've played this game before."
Enjoy your newfound popularity as your sucker gets red-faced and tries to talk their way out of it.
**disclaimer**
I mean no offense to anyone, it's a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32iwwo/joke_tutorial/
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The problem with Freud...

The problem with Freud is that none of his theories are testicle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32isoq/the_problem_with_freud/
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They just opened a sperm bank for gay couples.

You can get it by the buttload.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32imht/they_just_opened_a_sperm_bank_for_gay_couples/
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Billy goes hunting with grandpa

Young Billy was walking down the sidewalk when he passed his Grandpa Cecil's house. Grandpa Cecil noticed that Billy was carrying something in his arms.
"Hey, Billy. What's that you have in your arm?"
"It's chicken wire. I'm going to catch some chickens with it."
Convinced that Billy was wrong, Grandpa Cecil said "Billy, you can't catch chicken with chicken wire! Not how that works."
Billy shrugs his shoulders and heads off. Later that evening, Billy passes back by and in the chicken wire was a bunch of chickens.
"Son of a bitch," Grandpa Cecil muttered to himself.
Billy passes by Cecil's the next day when Cecil noticed something in Billy's left hand.
"Hey, billy. Whatcha got there?"
"It's duct tape. I'm gonna go catch some ducks with it."
Thinking yesterday was a fluke, Grandpa Cecil said "What the hell, Billy. You don't catch ducks with duct tape!"
Same time that evening, Billy passes back by with about 7 or 8 ducks on a line of duct tape.
Grandpa Cecil is speechless.
On the third and final day, Billy was walking past Grandpa Cecil's house. He an extra bounce in his step and was waving around something that Cecil couldn't make out.
"Say there, Billy. What's that you have today?"
"It's pussywillow. I'm gonna go get som..."
Grandpa Cecil interrupted Billy.
"Oh, hot damn! Hold on, let me get my hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32im0l/billy_goes_hunting_with_grandpa/
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A world-class engineer dies after a long and happy life.

When he goes to be judged at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter accidentally screws up his papers and sends him to hell. Satan is more than happy to have him, as he doesn't get many engineers and could put this guy to some great use. With the engineer's help, Satan makes renovation after renovation and increases the efficiency and quality of all of the workings of Hell beyond what he ever dreamed.
Meanwhile, God is checking over al of Saint Peter's paperwork and realizes the mistake with the engineer. So he goes down to Hell to fix the problem and get the engineer to where he belongs.
Satan, however, won't let the man go. His contributions to Hell are unparalleled and Satan is sure that the man will continue to be an asset for an eternity to come. God gets mad and threatens to sue Satan, to which he laughs and says, "Good luck buddy. All the good lawyers are down here with me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ik8c/a_worldclass_engineer_dies_after_a_long_and_happy/
%
Don't anthropomorphize your pets...

They hate it when you do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32iiau/dont_anthropomorphize_your_pets/
%
I fell face-first in fresh concrete the other day...

I wasn't worried though - my mom always said I'd make a good impression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ihyf/i_fell_facefirst_in_fresh_concrete_the_other_day/
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

-Makes a choking noise-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32igzj/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
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A communist tells his friend before going to bed, "I'm going to take a nap."

He wakes up as a libertarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ifq1/a_communist_tells_his_friend_before_going_to_bed/
%
Did you hear about the kidnapping in school?

He just woke up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ieji/did_you_hear_about_the_kidnapping_in_school/
%
A new missionary arrives in Africa . . .

A missionary had just arrived at his new station in Africa, and was being briefed by the man he was about to replace.
"Brother," said the old missionary, "We have truly done the Lord's work here. We have taught nearly all the wild animals in this part of the continent to understand and speak English, that we may then teach them to be good Christians."
"Wow!" said the new missionary. "And how is spreading the Word going?"
"Not too bad," said the old missionary. "I'd say we've converted about half."
The new missionary was amazed and impressed. He bid the old missionary farewell, and began his walk up to his new church to begin his work.
Suddenly he sensed he was being stalked; sure enough, right behind him was an enormous lion. The new missionary saw nowhere to run, so instead looked to his faith; he dropped to his knees, clasped his hands together and prayed:
"Dear Lord," prayed the new missionary, "Please let this lion be one of the devout Christian animals my colleague told me about!"
Abruptly, the lion stopped, just inches from the missionary. As the man watched in amazement, the lion reared back and put himself in a remarkable approximation of being on his knees. Then the lion put his two paws together and looked to the heavens. He was praying!
"Dear Lord," said the lion, "I thank thee for this meal which I am about to receive...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32id8j/a_new_missionary_arrives_in_africa/
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a bear walks into a bar...

a bear walks into a bar the bartender says "what can i get you? the bear says"................................................................................................................................................i will just have a beer" the bartender says "why the big pause?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32i9ji/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call Brienne's Dad?

Tarth Vader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32i83w/what_do_you_call_briennes_dad/
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never paid 200 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32i348/whats_the_difference_between_a_chickpea_and_a/
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An Irish Confession

A  married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I  almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What  do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said,  'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said,  'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that  woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the  poor box.'
The  Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over  to the poor box.
He paused for a moment  and then started to leave.
The priest, who was  watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied,  'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32i2xj/an_irish_confession/
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I just got fired for sexual harassment.

I'm self employed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32i16r/i_just_got_fired_for_sexual_harassment/
%
Why don't frogs use screws?

Because they prefer rrrrrivets.
*been using lots of rivets on a project lately when I came up with this awful dad-style joke. But I'm 40 and a dad so I'm a fully-licensed dad joker ."*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32hzsl/why_dont_frogs_use_screws/
%
How do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32hyxp/how_do_you_drown_a_hipster/
%
How many Horsemen of the Apocalypse does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three.
War never changes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ho7a/how_many_horsemen_of_the_apocalypse_does_it_take/
%
why should you never iron a four-leaf clover?

Because you shouldn't press your luck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32hmn4/why_should_you_never_iron_a_fourleaf_clover/
%
What kind of Bees make milk?

Boobies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32hl8f/what_kind_of_bees_make_milk/
%
I love eating German sausage....

but it always gives me the wurst farts.
HA HA HAHA Ha....ha....^ha ^ha^ha......^i'llshowmyselfout

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32hk9x/i_love_eating_german_sausage/
%
A black man walks into a bar

his cell door was still closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32hjkc/a_black_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do you tell the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32hei4/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_chemist/
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Where does a mathematician go when he gets hurt?

L'Hospital.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32hcn4/where_does_a_mathematician_go_when_he_gets_hurt/
%
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32hawp/whats_the_difference_between_inlaws_and_outlaws/
%
So the Pope has gotten bored staying in the vatican for years on end

, so he decided to travel the world doing services and meeting cardinals and bishops around the globe. Despite all this travel, he, of course, never drives. He always has a different chauffeur to take him wherever he is going who always meet him at the airport and take him wherever he wants to go. The Pope misses driving, so one day he asks his driver, "Do you mind if I drive, just this once? I haven't driven ever since becoming pope."
Now, the chauffeur was a very pious man and didn't want to offend the Pope, but doesn't want to get in trouble with his boss. Eventually he decides that that it was a quick drive and that no one would know, so he agrees.
They both get in the car with the Pope in the driver's seat, but as soon as the car got out of the parking lot, the Pope started speeding, cutting people off, running red lights and stop signs, just driving terribly in general. The chauffeur is panicking. He would lose his job, surely. And yet, he doesn't say a thing, being too afraid to offend the Pope.
Sure enough, they get pulled over. As the cop walks up to the car, the chauffeur nearly faints. However, he takes one look in the window and turns right around and phones base.
"Sir, I've got a problem here. I've just pulled someone ever that is very important. I don't think I can book him."
The chief responds, "Too important? Impossible. Who is it, some celebrity?"
"More important sir."
"The mayor, then."
"Even more important."
"Governor?"
"More important, sir."
"The president?"
"Even more important."
The chief was stumped. "Well, who could it be?"
"Sir, I think it's god."
"What? Why could you possibly think that?"
"Well, sir, his chauffeur is the Pope."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32h907/so_the_pope_has_gotten_bored_staying_in_the/
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Why did the calculator pay $100 for a pack of cigarettes?

There was a sin tax error.
[8.5]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32h713/why_did_the_calculator_pay_100_for_a_pack_of/
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What kind of medicine do Ants use when they have eye problems?

Ant-Eye Biotics
(Dad joke, I know)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32h4um/what_kind_of_medicine_do_ants_use_when_they_have/
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I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II

...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32h2ss/i_mailed_my_maths_homework_to_barack_obama/
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We need to stop joking on fat people so much.

They have enough on their plate already.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32gvwu/we_need_to_stop_joking_on_fat_people_so_much/
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So this guy is a fabulous piano player...

And a great singer, too. He's got an audition at the local piano bar. He performs his first song, and the manager is blown away.
"Wow! What's the name of that song?" he asks.
"It's called, 'I fucked your mom on Tuesday last week.'" the man replies.
"Oh, well, can I hear another song?" the manager asks.
The man plays a song that's even better than the first.
"And what's that one called?"
"That's called, 'I ejaculated in the ranch dressing at the salad bar.'"
So the manager hires the guy with the agreement that he doesn't tell the audience the titles of his songs lest they're offended. His first night playing comes, and it's a smash. The women in the audience are going crazy for him. During his intermission he starts to get all hot and bothered thinking about all the women that want him, so he decides to go rub one out in the men's room. When he's all done, he comes out, and a woman comes up to him and says, "Sir! Do you know your zipper is down and there's cum all over your pants?!"
The man says, "Know it? I **wrote** it!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32gsqe/so_this_guy_is_a_fabulous_piano_player/
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I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely

if architects in those days had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32gsjq/i_believe_a_lot_of_conflict_in_the_wild_west/
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Two fish are in a tank.

One fish asks the other fish "How do we drive this thing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32gs1s/two_fish_are_in_a_tank/
%
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than

throwing them a surprise party.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32gr5a/nothing_embarrasses_a_psychic_more_than/
%
What's hitler's favorite yu-gi-oh card?

Blue eyes blond dragon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32gqps/whats_hitlers_favorite_yugioh_card/
%
An old lady at an ATM asked me if I could help her check her balance...

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32gqel/an_old_lady_at_an_atm_asked_me_if_i_could_help/
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the social ladder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32gocj/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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Why doesn't George R.R. Martin use a Twitter?

Because he kills all 140 characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32gdtp/why_doesnt_george_rr_martin_use_a_twitter/
%
What's the difference between a blowjob and a burger?

Oh, you don't know? We should do lunch sometime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32gbt6/whats_the_difference_between_a_blowjob_and_a/
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A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer
bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32gbj6/a_bear_goes_into_a_bar/
%
How did the hipster got his tongue burnt?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32g9uy/how_did_the_hipster_got_his_tongue_burnt/
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What do you call a herd of masturbating cows?

Beef stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32g7w1/what_do_you_call_a_herd_of_masturbating_cows/
%
My girlfriend is a pornstar...

She's going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32g53g/my_girlfriend_is_a_pornstar/
%
I think my new idea for DIY orthodontics is going to take the world by storm.

brace yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32g1lw/i_think_my_new_idea_for_diy_orthodontics_is_going/
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No one believes seniors . . .

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, “We've got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, “No.”
Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don't believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One police officer asked Jerry to tell him the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32g0du/no_one_believes_seniors/
%
I went to the gym and did a negative pullup today.

It was a letdown.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32fyhq/i_went_to_the_gym_and_did_a_negative_pullup_today/
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How do you tell the difference between a normal potato from a slutty potato?

The slutty one has the sticker that reads Idaho.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32fvyq/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_normal/
%
What do prime numbers and white girls have in common?

They literally can't even.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32funk/what_do_prime_numbers_and_white_girls_have_in/
%
Two pieces of string walk into a bar

. One of them sits down while the other goes up to the bar and says, "two pints of Guinness, please." The barman looks the piece of string up and down and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve pieces of string here."
So the piece of string goes back to his friend and explains the situation, and the friend decides to tie himself into a knot and fray his ends. He walks up to the bar and orders two Guinness's. This time the barman starts to fill the order but halfway through he looks up and says, "Hold on a minute... You're not a piece of string are you?" To which the piece of string answers:
"No, I'm a frayed knot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ftuy/two_pieces_of_string_walk_into_a_bar/
%
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change bulbs and 3 to sit around and complain that the original was better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32fi9e/how_many_hipsters_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
I like the NSA

They're the only government agency that listens

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32f8cu/i_like_the_nsa/
%
How is parsley and pubic hair alike?

You just brush them off to the side and keep eating

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32f8ay/how_is_parsley_and_pubic_hair_alike/
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I want to give a shoutout to the sidewalks...

...for keeping me off the streets

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32f5pv/i_want_to_give_a_shoutout_to_the_sidewalks/
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A Cop and His Trained Dog Stop me on a Sidewalk

The dog sniffs around me for a bit and barks to the officer.
The officer walks up to me and says, "Where are the drugs? The dog says he could smell them off you."
I reply, "Drugs? What drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32f4pi/a_cop_and_his_trained_dog_stop_me_on_a_sidewalk/
%
This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32f434/this_was_actually_said_in_court_and_taken_from_a/
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How I flirt is how I run.

It's funny to watch, I have no form, and I end up sweating like a mother fucker whenever it's over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32f0hk/how_i_flirt_is_how_i_run/
%
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

Punch her in the face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32f089/what_do_you_do_when_your_dishwasher_stops_working/
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If you can't afford to get your wisdom teeth removed...

Try crystal meth, it really is a miracle drug.
*disclaimer: may remove more teeth than expected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32f00n/if_you_cant_afford_to_get_your_wisdom_teeth/
%
A rather confident 007 walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ezvr/a_rather_confident_007_walks_into_a_bar/
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What do you call a midget with Down's Syndrome who arrives to class late?

A little tardy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ey31/what_do_you_call_a_midget_with_downs_syndrome_who/
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Dead again

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32eqcf/dead_again/
%
Two youths in New Zealand held up an Ice Cream truck this weekend

Allegedly, they stole hundreds and thousands.
For americans:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sprinkles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32emp1/two_youths_in_new_zealand_held_up_an_ice_cream/
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Have you guys had the new Lance Armstrong Trail Mix?

There's only one nut in the bag.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32emcy/have_you_guys_had_the_new_lance_armstrong_trail/
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Egyptians are quite good at recognizing conmen.

They're not falling for that pyramid scheme business again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32elqc/egyptians_are_quite_good_at_recognizing_conmen/
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How did the crazy man get across the forrest?

He took the psycho path. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ejde/how_did_the_crazy_man_get_across_the_forrest/
%
I sold my soul the other day.

Now I walk with a limp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ej72/i_sold_my_soul_the_other_day/
%
The principal at my school called me in to his office today. He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?"

No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32einj/the_principal_at_my_school_called_me_in_to_his/
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A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ehhm/a_bloke_bumped_in_to_me_on_the_tube_the_other_day/
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What do you call a rock group of 4 men who don't sing or play music?

Mount Rushmore.
^^Or ^^Nickelback.  ^^I'm ^^so ^^sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ehgi/what_do_you_call_a_rock_group_of_4_men_who_dont/
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What's the difference between a lobster with a boob job and a Greyhound terminal?

One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32eeuv/whats_the_difference_between_a_lobster_with_a/
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The Buzzards Are Coming

So a farmer's dog won't stop humping legs.
Farmer kicks him out of the house and says "Damn dog, you're going to fuck yourself to death."
Next day the farmer wakes up to find all his chickens are splayed all over the hen house.
The dog is sitting in the corner panting, clearly having just sexually violated all of the future chick-fil-a kid's meals.
Farmer yells at the dog: "Damn dog, you're going to fuck yourself to death."
Next day the farmer wakes to find all of his pigs and cows banged into oblivion.
Farmer yells at the dog: "Damn dog, you're going to fuck yourself to death."
Next day the farmer sees the dog laying on his back off in the distance on a hill. Seemingly dead.
Farmer hikes out to find his dog dead.  Farmer says, "damn dog, you fucked yourself to death."
The dog opens one eye and says "shhhh, the buzzards are coming."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32edo4/the_buzzards_are_coming/
%
What's the first step to making your favorite Jewish dish?

Preheat the oven

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ed8k/whats_the_first_step_to_making_your_favorite/
%
Harley and Vaseline (I know...old as dirt, but...)

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one  day, he comes across a Harley with a  'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one,  although it is 10 years old.  It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he  kept it in such great condition for 10  years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the  seller, 'whenever the bike is  outside and it's gonna rain, rub  Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain, and he  hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra,   invites him over to meet her parents.   Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house,   Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to   tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says   anything during dinner has to do the   dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.   Joe is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room   is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of   dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the   corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure   enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to   take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her  breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her   clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of   her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her  dad is obviously livid and her mom   horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the   table, pulls down her panties, and   screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.
She has a huge orgasm, & Joe sits   down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is   boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to   ear. But still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of   thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls   the Large jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts,
I'll DO the bloody dishes!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32e2fg/harley_and_vaseline_i_knowold_as_dirt_but/
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You've been buying too many brake pads recently and it's a problem.

"No it isn't! I can stop whenever I want!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32dxr5/youve_been_buying_too_many_brake_pads_recently/
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[NSFW] A man has a pet duck...

The man tries to take his duck to go watch a movie
However, the theatre attendants forbid the man from taking his pet duck inside the cinema.
The man does not get discoraged and decides to sneak in his duck by placing it in his pants.
He successfully makes it inside the cinema with his duck and sits besides two women.
The man then remembers that the duck has to breathe and so he pulls down his pant's zipper so the duck may breathe .
Once the movie starts one of the women besides the man tells the other woman, "That man's *thing* is showing..."
To this the other woman replies , "What's the matter? Have you not seen one before?"
The other woman answered, "Yes, but this one is eating my popcorn!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32dute/nsfw_a_man_has_a_pet_duck/
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I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women.

There were tons of girls there, just not very many.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32dqfp/i_used_to_go_to_weight_watchers_to_meet_women/
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What do you call an angry archer?

A Cross Bowman

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32dlp1/what_do_you_call_an_angry_archer/
%
An elephant escaped from the circus...

...and ended up in a little old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before,  so she rang the police.
"Please come quickly," she said to the policeman who answered the phone. "There's a strange looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."
"What's it doing with them?" asked the policeman.
"If I told you," said the old lady, "you'd never beleive me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32dj35/an_elephant_escaped_from_the_circus/
%
Two necrophiliacs

are walking down the street when they pass a morgue. The first necrophiliac says to the second "Want to stop in for a couple of cold ones?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32dicf/two_necrophiliacs/
%
Why are old printers so musical?

Because they are prone to jamming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32dfsz/why_are_old_printers_so_musical/
%
Girls' Night Out!

Two friends (both female) had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop.
My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other.
"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32df2p/girls_night_out/
%
Two accountants at a bank....

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?"
To which accountant number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32dd2e/two_accountants_at_a_bank/
%
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk?

A milk dud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32d7r6/what_do_you_call_a_cow_that_doesnt_produce_milk/
%
A Buddhist monk walks upto a hotdog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."
Despite this being an overused statement, the vendor serves him a hotdog as he is a customer.  When the monk asks if he has 27 cents, the vendor replies "Change comes from within."
The monk then pulls out a pistol from his robe and shoots the vendor.  After this, he states "I have found my inner piece."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32d72y/a_buddhist_monk_walks_upto_a_hotdog_stand_and_says/
%
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32d4tq/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a leak?

Because their entire species is extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32czn1/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_taking_a_leak/
%
My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once...

But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32cyvk/my_cock_was_actually_in_the_guinness_book_of/
%
I was looking at this girl from across the room

I have always been looking at this girl, she never talks to me, but today as I was looking at her she came to me. She started talking about her life is a mess and how she is planning on killing herself. Being the awkward person I am, I stayed silent and kept staring at her as she burst in tears. Suddenly, she took me in her hand. She put the whole thing in her mouth. I didn't know how to feel since she was still crying, but I kept on going none the less. Suddenly, I couldn't hold it any more so I just blew my whole load in her mouth. I then fell on the bed and continued my life as a gun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32cvfd/i_was_looking_at_this_girl_from_across_the_room/
%
How did the Welshman find the sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32cq1u/how_did_the_welshman_find_the_sheep_in_the_tall/
%
did you hear about that kidnapping in Texas?

He woke up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32co2z/did_you_hear_about_that_kidnapping_in_texas/
%
Silver lining....

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The Doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
The husband then donated some of his skin..... however, the only place suitable to the Doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before!
All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.
She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!"
He replied, "Oh, don't worry, Honey, I get plenty of thanks every time your Mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ckuz/silver_lining/
%
A friend just cracked this joke..

Whats the worst thing you can call a black man that starts with N and ends with R?
Neighbor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32cdm0/a_friend_just_cracked_this_joke/
%
Blind date at the carnival

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," said Kim.
They ambled over to the 'weight guesser'. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
And back to the 'weight guesser' they went. Since they had been here before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32cbnu/blind_date_at_the_carnival/
%
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He used a pencil to budget

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32c9a6/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_accountant/
%
What's the difference between Lance Armstrong and Hitler?

Lance could finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bygi/whats_the_difference_between_lance_armstrong_and/
%
When Police Knock On Your Door

Police: Knock Knock
Me: Who is it?
Police: its the Police.
Me: What do you want?
Police: We just wanna talk
Me: How many of you are there?
Police: 2
Me: Then talk to each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bxsb/when_police_knock_on_your_door/
%
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a salad

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bxi3/a_hamburger_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_salad/
%
They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bxcr/they_say_that_every_time_you_have_sex_its_the/
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How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?

Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bugn/how_do_you_prove_that_your_dog_loves_you_more/
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Please Help! I've got a medical condition where I can't discern between the letter "b" and the letters "th".

Oops, wrong bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bsxp/please_help_ive_got_a_medical_condition_where_i/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bru7/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
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I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple

Sorry, wrong thread

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bq6e/i_bought_pink_cotton_but_my_wife_wanted_purple/
%
MISSING WIFE

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Inspector : -Slim or healthy?.
Husband : -Not slim, but probably healthy.
Inspector : -Color of eyes?
Husband : -Never noticed.
Inspector : -Color of hair?
Husband : -Changes according to season.
Inspector : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Inspector : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes.
Inspector : -Color of the car?
Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started
crying...
Inspector: -Don't worry sir,...We will find your car.
"men will be men"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bpvq/missing_wife/
%
What do you call alternative medicine that works?

Medicine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bol8/what_do_you_call_alternative_medicine_that_works/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bniz/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
%
Mr Smith's back pain.

A man (let's call him Mr Smith) goes to the doctor with terrible back pain. It's keeping him up every night and leaving him in tears during the day. The doc runs some tests and breaks the bad news,
"Well Mr Smith, we've found the source of your problem. You see, your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine and that pressure on your spinal column is what is causing your back pain. The only solution is to chop off your testicles". Mr Smith was obviously distraught but he couldn't face another day of agony so he decides to go through with the procedure.
A few weeks later, Mr Smith, still feeling awful about his new ball-less life walks by a tailor and decides to treat himself to a new suit. He walks into the tailor and demands the finest suit that money can buy - no expense spared.
The tailor looks him up and down, pauses for a second and says "Not a problem I'd say you're a 40 long, 16 collar and a 34 chest"
"Incredible! How did you know?" said Mr Smith
"I've been doing this a long time, it's my job to know these things" replied the tailor and he scuttled away to fetch the items
Upon returning the tailor looks at Mr Smith again and says "I'm guessing you're a size 10 shoe and a 34 waist. Oui?"
"Ha!" replied Mr Smith, "Got you this time! I'm actually a 32 waist, have been most of my life"
"I don't think so. You're definitely a 34" said the tailor, "If you were to wear a 32 it would push your testicles against the base of your spine and cause you terrible back pain"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bmmv/mr_smiths_back_pain/
%
Kids are like smoking cigarettes.

I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me.
Jim Jefferies

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bi28/kids_are_like_smoking_cigarettes/
%
I knew you'd come crawling back

the minute I stole your wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bhwq/i_knew_youd_come_crawling_back/
%
How do you get rid of earache?

Divorce her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bh9o/how_do_you_get_rid_of_earache/
%
I was standing at the urinal earlier today and next to me was a midget also having a pee.

I noticed he was winking at me so I looked away, I turned and looked again and the little fecker was winking at me like crazy. Disturbed by this, I asked "are you gay? Do you fancy me or something?", he replied "No you're splashing in my fucking eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bgxx/i_was_standing_at_the_urinal_earlier_today_and/
%
What is the difference between God and my love life?

Some people think God is real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bgrh/what_is_the_difference_between_god_and_my_love/
%
How do you find Ronald McDonald in a room full of naked clowns?

The Sesame Seeds on his buns.
(According to my father this is the first joke I ever told, around 5yo.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bdqz/how_do_you_find_ronald_mcdonald_in_a_room_full_of/
%
I read an article that said to cheer up as adults, we should embrace things we loved as kids.

So, when I am sad I hide in the shower and try to watch the babysitter pee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bbzv/i_read_an_article_that_said_to_cheer_up_as_adults/
%
A man goes to see the doctor...

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.
The doctor looks at it and says, I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials? The man says no.
The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, Nothing. The doctor is really puzzled now and says, You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?
The man replies, Honestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32b4j2/a_man_goes_to_see_the_doctor/
%
Just ate a bunch of confetti...

Now I'm a party pooper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32b3jw/just_ate_a_bunch_of_confetti/
%
A Female co-worker was depressed

I asked her what's wrong.  She said she found 4 condoms on her boyfriends night stand.  They had recently bought a 6 pack, so 2 were missing.  Her boyfriend claimed he used them for masturbation so he wouldn't make a mess.  She was reluctant, but believed him.
She then turned to me and asked if I'd ever done that.  I said "yes".  She exclaimed "You've masturbated with a condom"?  I said no....I meant I had lied to my girlfriend :-)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32b1b6/a_female_coworker_was_depressed/
%
What did one boob say to the other?

We better get some support or people are gonna think we're nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32b18o/what_did_one_boob_say_to_the_other/
%
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

...Bad-um Tst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32auqd/two_drums_and_a_cymbal_fall_off_a_cliff/
%
Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32atc9/why_do_farts_smell/
%
My doctor wrote a prescription for dailysex.

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32apra/my_doctor_wrote_a_prescription_for_dailysex/
%
Woman greets mailman at her mailbox, invites him in, they make passionate love, then she makes him a lunch fit for a king and then hands him a $1 bill.

Flabbergasted mailman says: "My goodness that was outstanding, wonderful, thank you, I really appreciate it. May I ask why you did all this for me?"
Woman says: "I told my husband you were retiring and suggested we do something for you and he said "screw the mailman, give him a dollar", the lunch was my idea."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32an7p/woman_greets_mailman_at_her_mailbox_invites_him/
%
I recently met up with an old girlfriend of mine and we immediately started having sex...

...The police got annoyed, however - they only wanted me to identify the body.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ahai/i_recently_met_up_with_an_old_girlfriend_of_mine/
%
A guy comes home from the bar he's got a duck under his arm. His wife is on the computer and barely notices him. He walks over to her and says "this is the pig I've been screwing". She finally looks up and says "that's not a pig it's a duck". He says....

"I wasn't talking to you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ah01/a_guy_comes_home_from_the_bar_hes_got_a_duck/
%
My girlfriend was getting kinky in bed, and she said, "Hurt me! Hurt me!"

So I got in my car and ran over her cat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32ag5g/my_girlfriend_was_getting_kinky_in_bed_and_she/
%
A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown.

He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.
He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it."
The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.
As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.
He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there, there are thousands and thousands of rats following him.
He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.
The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so your back for the story".
The guys says, "No, I was wondering if you have a bronze Socialist Liberal Democrat?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32aeox/a_guy_is_visiting_san_francisco_and_walks_into_a/
%
I always cried when my Dad chopped onions.

Onions was a good dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32a9va/i_always_cried_when_my_dad_chopped_onions/
%
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's 12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32a80m/whats_the_difference_between_a_catholic_priest/
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Never mess with them Again

Mitsy and Milda were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.
Mitsy said,
“My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their thank you notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I always received a lovely thank you note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them.”
Milda said,
“My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send thank you notes. I, too, send them a very generous check. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”
“Wow,” remarked Mitsy. “I wish mine would do that.”
“You can, Mitsy, you can.”
“How?” Mitsy asked.
“Simple,” Milda replied. “Do what I do: Don’t sign the check.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32a7r3/never_mess_with_them_again/
%
What do you call Asian quadruplets?

4chan

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32a7gq/what_do_you_call_asian_quadruplets/
%
A man was arrested for having sex inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee.

Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32a6lg/a_man_was_arrested_for_having_sex_inside_a_west/
%
His palms are sweaty...

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already.
WebMD: *TYPHOID FEVER*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32a4q8/his_palms_are_sweaty/
%
Knock knock joke

Knock knock
Who's there?
With.
With who?
With whom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32a488/knock_knock_joke/
%
How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods?

Pretty good. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32a2k7/how_did_the_hillbilly_find_his_sister_in_the_woods/
%
What's the difference between a cat and a comma

One has claws on it's paws. The other is a pause in a clause.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32a0xh/whats_the_difference_between_a_cat_and_a_comma/
%
What do you call a smart blonde?

A labrador

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/329yke/what_do_you_call_a_smart_blonde/
%
What is black and doesn't work?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/329udp/what_is_black_and_doesnt_work/
%
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/329u66/whats_the_difference_between_paul_walker_and_my/
%
What do a bunch of wankers do in a group?

Mass debating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/329t48/what_do_a_bunch_of_wankers_do_in_a_group/
%
What's the difference between a terrorist training camp and an elementary school?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/329t2k/whats_the_difference_between_a_terrorist_training/
%
Did you hear about the witch who couldn't have children?

her husband had a Holloweenie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/329prs/did_you_hear_about_the_witch_who_couldnt_have/
%
What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White Vans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/329orf/what_kind_of_shoes_does_a_pedophile_wear/
%
What do you do if you see a space man?

Park in it man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/329ohd/what_do_you_do_if_you_see_a_space_man/
%
Why do they call it PMSing?

Mad Cow disease was already taken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/329jor/why_do_they_call_it_pmsing/
%
My son was so upset when he didn't get a gaming pc for his birthday

luckily, this playstation was able to..........console him

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/329jjn/my_son_was_so_upset_when_he_didnt_get_a_gaming_pc/
%
What's the difference between a walrus and a lesbian?

One has a mustache and smells like fish and the other one's a walrus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/329gvh/whats_the_difference_between_a_walrus_and_a/
%
A 16 year old girl's parents die and she goes to live with her grandmother....

Her grandmother can barely support herself as it is and pretty soon they'll have to go live in a homeless shelter if the grandmother can't pay their rent. The girl can't stand to see her grandmother suffer like that so she becomes a prostitute at a local secret brothel. The girl does everything she can to hide her "job" from her grandmother and she makes enough money for them to live off of. One day, while the girl is "working", police raid the brothel and line all of the prostitutes up on the sidewalk for interrogation and identification one by one. All of a sudden, the girl sees her grandmother walking down the street. She tries to shoo her away, but she comes over and asks her granddaughter, "Hello Sweety! What is it that you and your friends are lined up for?" The girl panics and says "Ummmmm.....Oranges! Yes, they're giving out free oranges, but surely you have no need for oranges so goodbye grandma!" Grandma insists though, "Why that sounds splendid, I'll take a dozen!" The police officers go through the line and finally get to grandma. They all stare at the sweet old lady in disbelief. One asks, "But....how do you do it? You're so old...." The grandma candidly replies, "Why, it's quite easy sonny, I just take out my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/329did/a_16_year_old_girls_parents_die_and_she_goes_to/
%
My wife isn't much of a wrestler

But man you should see her box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/329c1y/my_wife_isnt_much_of_a_wrestler/
%
How do you lose 30 pounds in 1 Minute?

Go to England and buy something

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/329b88/how_do_you_lose_30_pounds_in_1_minute/
%
What do you call a promiscuous egg?

Humped-me Dumped-me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3292y8/what_do_you_call_a_promiscuous_egg/
%
I just started a new band called 'Blankets and Duvets'

We've already been called the best cover band of all time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3292dz/i_just_started_a_new_band_called_blankets_and/
%
3 bad dad jokes

I use these back to back to back all the time.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSHHHHHHHH

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3290s2/3_bad_dad_jokes/
%
Why are hot dogs the best dogs?

Because they feed the hand that bites them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3290r3/why_are_hot_dogs_the_best_dogs/
%
How do you get four old ladies to yell "FUCK?"

Get one to yell "BINGO!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328yqi/how_do_you_get_four_old_ladies_to_yell_fuck/
%
The inventor if the anti-virus software has been charged with murder.

They expect the trial to last 30 days

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328ve9/the_inventor_if_the_antivirus_software_has_been/
%
What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns?

I think he would be most strict on nail gun control.
(Credit to Taylor on PKA)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328tm0/what_do_you_think_jesuss_stance_would_be_on_guns/
%
Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat...

sooner or later you'll get pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328r8s/life_is_like_a_pubic_hair_on_a_toilet_seat/
%
What do Terry Fox and Adolf Hitler have in common?

Neither one of them could finish a race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328r4t/what_do_terry_fox_and_adolf_hitler_have_in_common/
%
There are 10 kinds of people in this world,

those that understand binary and those that don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328qjk/there_are_10_kinds_of_people_in_this_world/
%
The police just knocked on my door

They claimed my dog was chasing someone on a bike. I told them they must be mistaken. My dog doesn't even own a bike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328qfy/the_police_just_knocked_on_my_door/
%
Intelligence Services Contest

There once was a contest to determine the best Intelligence Service in the world.
The rules were simple. Each team takes turns to go into a forest and bring out a lion. The fastest team wins.
The MI5 went first and with their superior abilities manage to flush out a lion in about a week.
The CIA rose to the challenge and using their world class equipment and tactics flush out the beast in about 3 days.
The KGB goes last and nothing happens for a week. Everyone one waits for another week and finally search operations begin.
After a lot of effort, the Ruskis were found at last. Torturing a bear and making it confess that it was a lion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328qfo/intelligence_services_contest/
%
2 men and a blonde are arrested by the secret police for treason

During the interrogation, the interrogator brings them into a room and hooks each of them to a lie detecting machine, claiming that they would be vaporised if they told a lie. He then turns to the first man and asks a question.
"Why did you perform such an act?
"I was only thinking about what was best for the country."
The lie detector remains silent and the interrogator proceeds to ask the next man another question.
"Do you have any other accomplices?"
"I think there are about 4-5 other people who are a part of this."
The lie detector once again remained silent. Finally he turned to the blonde.
"How long have you people been working together?"
"I think-"
The blonde disappears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328o9b/2_men_and_a_blonde_are_arrested_by_the_secret/
%
I heard the BEST joke the other day!

It was about anti-climaxes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328kqm/i_heard_the_best_joke_the_other_day/
%
What do you call 4 Mexicans in a boat with a terrible leak?

Cuatro sinko

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328hvw/what_do_you_call_4_mexicans_in_a_boat_with_a/
%
What started feminism?

An unlocked kitchen door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328gb6/what_started_feminism/
%
I just had hip replacement surgery

It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328epv/i_just_had_hip_replacement_surgery/
%
Where did Mary go when the bombs went off?

Everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328eiq/where_did_mary_go_when_the_bombs_went_off/
%
BBC News: Dogs Trained to Detect Prostate Cancer.

I just hope they trim their claws before they stick their paw up my arse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328edv/bbc_news_dogs_trained_to_detect_prostate_cancer/
%
The son of a native american chief was complaining about his name

"Father, I don't like my name! Why did you name me as such!" said the son.
And so the father replied in his broken English:
"Well son, when your older brother born, I saw eagle in sky, and such his name, Soaring Eagle. When your other brother born, I saw big bear, and such his name, Standing Bear. So my son, what wrong with Two Dogs Fucking?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/328box/the_son_of_a_native_american_chief_was/
%
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

He was too far-out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3289u4/why_didnt_the_lifeguard_save_the_hippy/
%
What is the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years your job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3287dq/what_is_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
%
What's Forest Gumps password?

1Forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3285yy/whats_forest_gumps_password/
%
A black guy applied for a job at the LAPD

He got shot down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3285o9/a_black_guy_applied_for_a_job_at_the_lapd/
%
Yo mama is so fat that...

...she should really be concerned because diabetes is a serious problem

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3283ri/yo_mama_is_so_fat_that/
%
Kids are like farts...

I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3283r1/kids_are_like_farts/
%
Why would Adrian Peterson be a great baseball player?

Because he's a switch hitter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32820d/why_would_adrian_peterson_be_a_great_baseball/
%
I fell of a 50ft ladder today!

Luckily, I was only on the second step.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/327yy7/i_fell_of_a_50ft_ladder_today/
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BONGO!

Three guys in the jungle get captured by a native tribe.
The chief announces to them (Yeah, they all speak English) that they will be killed, unless they submit to BONGO, in which case, they will be set free.
The first of them agrees to BONGO, and is promptly taken to the centre of the village, bent over a fallen tree trunk and tied down, then every man in the tribe fucks him up the ass.
He is them set free & staggers off into the jungle.
The two remaining men witness this.
The next day the chief asks the two remaining men if they wish to opt for death or BONGO. One of them volunteers for BONGO & freedom.
He is then strapped to the log & suffers a similar fate to the guy from the previous day and crawls off into the jungle nursing his reamed ass.
The third guy is approached by the chief on day three and is asked for his choice: death or BONGO.
He replies "I would take death any day rather than suffer that indignity"
The chief turns to the tribe and declares "He has chosen death! I decree death, by BONGO!!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/327x6c/bongo/
%
Why was the killer's watch arrested?

Because it was proven to be accessory to murder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/327te4/why_was_the_killers_watch_arrested/
%
I just donated some money to the maintainers of a Linux distribution derived from Red Hat

\*tips fedora\*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/327sjx/i_just_donated_some_money_to_the_maintainers_of_a/
%
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?

IT GETS TOAD!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/327s6a/what_happens_when_a_frogs_car_breaks_down/
%
Little April

was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/327ppe/little_april/
%
The dead cow lecture

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor".
"The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/327ow6/the_dead_cow_lecture/
%
Cop stopped me...

Cop stopped me.
Me: A problem, officer?
Cop: what's that bottle?
Me: it's just water, officer
Cop: but this is wine, sir
Me: praise the lord & his miracles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/327hrc/cop_stopped_me/
%
Ever heard of rodeo sex? NSFW

That's where you mount her from behind, then lean forward and whisper "this is how your sister liked it." and see if you can stay on for ten seconds! :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/327d8u/ever_heard_of_rodeo_sex_nsfw/
%
Two Mormons knock on an old Englishman's door...

The old man opens the door and smiles at the two fine gentlemen dressed in white dress shirts and black ties. They say, "Hello, we're with the church of Latter-day Saints and we're here to spread the gospel of God. Do you mind if we come in to speak with you?" The old man replies with a smile, "Sure! That sounds great, I'll go make some tea and crumpets. Please, take a seat in the living room." He goes into the kitchen and comes back after a few minutes with tea and crumpets which he gives to the men. He sits down and says, "I truly am fascinated by different religions. Now, what is it you fine boys wanted to tell me?" One Mormon nervously looks back at the old man and says, "I don't fucking know, I've never gotten this far before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/327bkt/two_mormons_knock_on_an_old_englishmans_door/
%
A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear on the count of 3...

He says "uno... dos..." *poof*! and disappears without a tres.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/327akq/a_mexican_magician_tells_the_crowd_he_will/
%
Let's talk about sausage....

Isn't it the wurst?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3278zl/lets_talk_about_sausage/
%
I found a pot of gold today...

Au yeah

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3276q4/i_found_a_pot_of_gold_today/
%
Ever heard of the movie "Constipation"?

Nope.
---
That's because it hasn't come out yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3275zb/ever_heard_of_the_movie_constipation/
%
Why did Captain Hook cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3273ot/why_did_captain_hook_cross_the_road/
%
CIA Assassin Job Interview

I don't remember where I found this joke so you might've heard it before.
The CIA was looking for a new assassin and they had it narrowed down to 3 applicants. To decide who to choose they had all 3 do a test of their abilities. The first guy went to the test and they took him to a door and handed him a gun. They said "your final test is to kill your wife. She is behind this door." The first guy doesn't even open the door, he refuses, and leaves. The second guy is given the same test. He goes in the door, and they are heard talking for a while then he finally comes out and says "I can't do it" and he leaves. The third guy is given the same test as the last two. As he is in the room for a few minutes, a few gunshots are heard then screaming. The guy comes out soon after and says, "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, I had to strangle that bitch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3273l1/cia_assassin_job_interview/
%
Did you hear about the deaf astronaut?

Neither did he.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3273j6/did_you_hear_about_the_deaf_astronaut/
%
Teacher Joke

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3273a7/teacher_joke/
%
Have you heard the one about the untouched coal pit?

Never mined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32730n/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_untouched_coal/
%
What's similar between Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd?

Both of their last big hits were the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/326zaa/whats_similar_between_dale_earnhardt_and_pink/
%
You know what they say, once you go black....

You're a single mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/326w87/you_know_what_they_say_once_you_go_black/
%
A feminist's view point.

Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Feminist: The glass is being raped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/326u7i/a_feminists_view_point/
%
I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website...

... I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/326r3g/i_went_on_a_date_with_a_girl_from_an_online/
%
What do they call an abortion in Hogwarts?

*fetus, deletus!*
^It's ^my ^first ^time ^posting ^here. ^Tell ^me ^if ^I ^did ^something ^wrong ^or ^if ^this ^is ^the ^wrong ^sub...
^And ^yes, ^I ^am ^a ^Muggle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/326qzq/what_do_they_call_an_abortion_in_hogwarts/
%
Girl, are you an ITT Tech degree?

Because you're worthless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/326q6x/girl_are_you_an_itt_tech_degree/
%
I spent a long time hitting on a lesbian girl...

...until she said: "Okay, I'm gonna be straight with you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/326pxz/i_spent_a_long_time_hitting_on_a_lesbian_girl/
%
What do you call someone who steals a glacier?

An iceberglar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/326o9l/what_do_you_call_someone_who_steals_a_glacier/
%
A guy buys two tickets for the Masters..

A guy buys two tickets to the Masters Tournament. He's sitting front row with an empty seat next to him. A man walks up and asked him if anybody was sitting there. The guy responds; "No this the seat is empty." The man says; "What a shame! Someone bought this amazing seat and didn't show up to watch!" The guy responds; "Well I bought the ticket, it's for my wife that passed away. This is the first year that we didn't get to come watch the Masters together." The man replies; "I'm so sorry, that's a shame. But you couldn't find a family member or a friend to come with you?" The guys responds; "No they are all at the funeral!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/326kh8/a_guy_buys_two_tickets_for_the_masters/
%
I like my presidents like I like my slaves

Cautious and skeptical about ideas that start off with "I ran"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/326ipa/i_like_my_presidents_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella?

There was a Lil Wayne outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/326hqx/why_did_snoop_dogg_bring_an_umbrella/
%
The most heinous crime--against both Man and Nature--would be to plant dynamite inside cattle

That, my friends, would be a-bomb-in-a-bull...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/326ea4/the_most_heinous_crimeagainst_both_man_and/
%
What do you call an Arab flying a plane?

A pilot you racist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/326bka/what_do_you_call_an_arab_flying_a_plane/
%
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 89% water. I can walk on babies. I am...

in jail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3269t2/jesus_can_walk_on_water_babies_are_89_water_i_can/
%
Stephen Hawking is going to hell...

... because there's only a stairway to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3268xr/stephen_hawking_is_going_to_hell/
%
My dad just told me this one.

These two ladies were outside smoking camels and it starts raining. So one lady takes a condom out of her purse cuts the tip off and then puts it over the cigarette. The other lady asks "where did you get that?" To which the other lady replies "at the gas station." So the next day the other lady is buying condoms at the gas station and the clerk asks her "what size do you want?" To which she replies "just make sure it will fit a camel!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3267zh/my_dad_just_told_me_this_one/
%
A joke I heard on a stand up routine.

My friend has a four year old daughter and incidentally she is the funniest person you'll ever meet. One day she came home from school and I was over at his house so I asked her "hey, how was school today?" And she responded "okay. But Becky hit me in the balls with a football."
Now she has an older brother so she's only ever heard of this place as referred to the balls. So I look at my friend and he gives me a look. Layer on he says "a good father would have told her what it's really called, but me? Nah".
Imagine. She's going to be in high school making out with her boyfriend and she will whisper in his ear "....touch my balls..." and guess who's done making out? Her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3267x7/a_joke_i_heard_on_a_stand_up_routine/
%
Lie Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3267v3/lie_robot/
%
I got throw out of university for plagiarism...

Their words, not mine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3261bg/i_got_throw_out_of_university_for_plagiarism/
%
A doctor walks into his patients room...

A doctor walks into his patients room holding his chest x-ray, moving over to the illumination board he pins it up. After staring at it for a second he turns it over, and again, going back and forth a few times. He turns to the patient shifting nervously and says:
&nbsp;
*"You know, I can never figure out which is the front or back on these damned things!"*
&nbsp;
They both sort of chuckle and the doctor shrugs.
&nbsp;
*"Oh well, not like it REALLY matters, you've got cancer in both lungs anyways"*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/326114/a_doctor_walks_into_his_patients_room/
%
Assuming everyone has seen the human head transplant story..

I was discussing 'head transplants' with a young man today and said,
"Surely the term 'head transplant' doesn't even exist? The brain is the seat of the personality and cognitive abilities. The body, however, cannot function without the brain, so technically we should refer to it as a, 'body transplant'."
"That's an interesting concept," he replied, "But this is double murder either way and you're still under arrest

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/325yzg/assuming_everyone_has_seen_the_human_head/
%
Two quantum mechanics professors had sex

They must have had physical chemistry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/325vlw/two_quantum_mechanics_professors_had_sex/
%
What do you call Dora the Explorer in an Iron Man suit?

FeDora
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/325swp/what_do_you_call_dora_the_explorer_in_an_iron_man/
%
Macbeth.docx

That's a play on word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/325m2x/macbethdocx/
%
Here is a good one for the math lovers.

1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/325m0c/here_is_a_good_one_for_the_math_lovers/
%
What did the scientist say when a stranger came inside his lab?

What the fuck dude get the hell away from my dog!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/325hib/what_did_the_scientist_say_when_a_stranger_came/
%
I was in the restaurant

“I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I  desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I  timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me….
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/325h9l/i_was_in_the_restaurant/
%
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/325gsk/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_with_the_lapd/
%
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?

ANKH ANKH!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/325c0t/what_did_the_egyptian_pharaoh_do_when_he_got/
%
Little Johnny... Finding Jesus

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/325avd/little_johnny_finding_jesus/
%
12 inch pianist

An hilarious joke that young children will not understand.
One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny
piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The
bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.
The man dashed into the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.
Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks
instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed
"I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."
The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/325ale/12_inch_pianist/
%
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter...

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/325a17/a_woman_brings_eightyearold_johnny_home_and_tells/
%
men

A man comes home from work one day and is greeted by an empty house, he walks into the kitchen and sees a note on the fridge from his wife. It reads: "this isn't working, i'm leaving". He opens the fridge, the light come on, he opens a beer, it's cold... he pauses for a second and then says aloud: "I don't know what the bitch is talking about! it's working just fine!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3259ii/men/
%
A blind man walks into a bar...

The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?"
In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3258cx/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
How do you get a hipster to take a shower?

Give them a leaky showerhead.
You know, so they can avoid the main stream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3257fm/how_do_you_get_a_hipster_to_take_a_shower/
%
A journalist visits a mental hospital

for reporting and asks the doctor, how do you determine if a patient is mentally ill.
DOCTOR: Well, we first fill a bathtub with water till the top. We then give a teaspoon, a glass cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub.
JOURNALIST: Obviously a normal person would use the BUCKET because it's bigger.
DOCTOR: No, you're silly! A normal person would pull the DRAIN PLUG! Nurse, admit this in Ward 7!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/324tyu/a_journalist_visits_a_mental_hospital/
%
How do you stop a Mexican tank?

You shoot the people pushing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/324tu3/how_do_you_stop_a_mexican_tank/
%
Swedish Fish

They aren't sweet, just sweet-ish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/324s7i/swedish_fish/
%
IDENTIFYING BUBBA

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician.
"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/324ov5/identifying_bubba/
%
You know what's pretty much the same as 9/11?

0.81818

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/324o9e/you_know_whats_pretty_much_the_same_as_911/
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An elderly man was out on a drive...

An elderly man was out on a drive when he received a phone call from his wife.
"Honey, be careful. I just heard on the radio that one idiot out there is driving the wrong way on the highway."
To which he replied, "Are you kidding me? There are hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/324ll1/an_elderly_man_was_out_on_a_drive/
%
My wife and I are into S&M

She sleeps and I masturbate :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/324kzb/my_wife_and_i_are_into_sm/
%
The Angel Atop The Tree Tradition

One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.
When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"
At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"
And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/324gxv/the_angel_atop_the_tree_tradition/
%
My dad has the heart of a lion

And a life time ban from the San Diego Zoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/324gjw/my_dad_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
%
A buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck and says. . .

"Make me one with everything."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/324g15/a_buddhist_monk_approaches_a_burger_food_truck/
%
We may not be able to call black people the N-word

But we can say things like "hey dad" and "have a nice day officer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/324beh/we_may_not_be_able_to_call_black_people_the_nword/
%
Long ago I got my first job as a circumciser.

The pay was not much but I collected a lot of tips.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3249p7/long_ago_i_got_my_first_job_as_a_circumciser/
%
Bang Bang

There was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the enemies, and go 'Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young recruit.
The sergeant tapes a stick to the handle end of the broom. "Here, use this. Just go, 'Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his stick. Suddenly, a soldier charges at him. The recruit points the stick. "Bang Bang!" The enemy falls dead.
More enemies appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bang Bang! Bang Bang!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens!
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one enemy soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bang Bang!" shouts the recruit.
The enemy soldier keeps coming.
"Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bang Bang! Stab Stab!"
It's no use. The enemy keeps coming! He stomps the recruit into the ground. As the recruit lays there dying he hears the soldier saying "Tank Tank. Tank Tank."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3248ej/bang_bang/
%
I walked in to the library today...

and asked if they had the new book on tiny penises. The librarian responded "I don't think it is in yet." I said, "That's the one."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3247wc/i_walked_in_to_the_library_today/
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What has 72 teeth and can hold back the Incredible Hulk?

My zipper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3247om/what_has_72_teeth_and_can_hold_back_the/
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Girls are a lot like universities...

I spend hours looking at them, only to realise I can't get into any of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3245if/girls_are_a_lot_like_universities/
%
Why are black people so tall?

Because their knee grows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32437r/why_are_black_people_so_tall/
%
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's OK now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32430s/did_you_hear_about_the_man_who_got_cooled_to/
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Jokes about German sausages...

...are the Wurst

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32411l/jokes_about_german_sausages/
%
What is Forrest Gump's password?

1Forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3240gt/what_is_forrest_gumps_password/
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A lady goes to the doctor's office, her face blue and purple with bruises.

The doctor greets her, "Ma'am, this isn't the first time you've been in here like this. In order to help you, you need to let me know what happened."
The lady looks up, her mascara still streaked down her cheeks. "My husband... He will go drinking with his friends every weekend until 2 or 3 in the morning... And when he gets home I try to talk to him about it. He - he just doesn't listen and... sometimes things get rough. I don't know what to do about it!"
The doctor mulls over this, asking a few more questions. "Ma'am," he says, "Here's what you'll do next time. When you hear your husband pulling up to your house, get a tall glass of ice tea, take a mouthful, and swish. Just like you were using mouthwash - just keep swishing from cheek to cheek until he goes to sleep. Do that, then come back in a few weeks for a follow-up."
The lady looks at him a little strangely, but agrees.
Some time passes, and the lady comes back. She's smiling and got a bounce in a step. "Doc," she says,  "I don't get it! I did exactly like you said, and sure enough, we haven't had any problems since then. In fact, things seem to have gotten better between us! How did you know that would work?"
"Well," the doctor says, "When your husband got home, it kept your mouth shut, didn't it?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/324090/a_lady_goes_to_the_doctors_office_her_face_blue/
%
Two hunters are walking in the forest

One hunter says to the other,
"DUCK! THERE's A DEER BEHIND YOU!"
The other hunter, however does not duck, and is subsequently shot.
He falls to the ground, and the shooter immediately calls 9-1-1.
Before the operator can say anything, he screams, "HELP HELP I THINK MY FRIEND IS DEAD!"
The operator says, "Well, first lets make sure he actually dead."
Another gunshot rings through the forest.
The hunter then says, "What should I do now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/323xlq/two_hunters_are_walking_in_the_forest/
%
I got fired from the orange juice factory.

I couldn't concentrate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/323wjk/i_got_fired_from_the_orange_juice_factory/
%
When does a man ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

When he gets tired of his own hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/323wgf/when_does_a_man_ask_for_a_womans_hand_in_marriage/
%
A girl meets a black man

During a party a woman meets a black man, after a small talk while being drunk and horny the girl says to the black man: could you please show if it is true what they say about black men?, the man gets closer and whispers: "I'll gladly do it", they look each other and smile, after a brief pause, the man stabs her and run away with her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/323w3d/a_girl_meets_a_black_man/
%
A police officer pulls over a driver...

A police officer pulls over a driver and
informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/323upm/a_police_officer_pulls_over_a_driver/
%
I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work.

She got fired too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/323s3r/i_got_fired_for_sticking_my_dick_in_the_pickle/
%
Bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/323ruh/bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
f (x) walks into a bar...

The barman says "Sorry, we don't cater for functions"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/323oiz/f_x_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Two atoms are walking down the street...

And the first one says "shit man, i dropped an electron!"
"Are you sure?" Says the second one.
"Yeah, im positive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/323oc3/two_atoms_are_walking_down_the_street/
%
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they're extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/323jvd/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
Walking past a lunatic asylum

, and I could hear the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13, 13, curiosity got the better of me but the walls were too tall to see over .all the time they kept on shouting 13, 13, 13, finally I found a hole in the wall so I took a peep and some fool poked me in the eye with a stick and then they started shouting 14, 14, 14, 14,

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/323il7/walking_past_a_lunatic_asylum/
%
What did the boy scout do that the jewish boy couldn't

Come home from camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/323bwv/what_did_the_boy_scout_do_that_the_jewish_boy/
%
A cheerio walks into his boss's office...

And he says to his boss, “Boss, I want to be more delicious than a plain old Cheerio.” The boss shuffles his papers around a bit, and replies. “Okay, I tell you what. If you go out and work for a year, I’ll upgrade you to a Honey Nut Cheerio.” The Cheerio thinks on it, and quickly agrees. He goes out, works as hard as he can for a year, and comes back to his boss very satisfied with his work. His boss happily upgrades him to a Honey Nut Cheerio, but upon tasting himself, the Cheerio thinks he still has a lot of room for improvement.
-
The Cheerio says “Boss, I appreciate what you’ve done for me, and not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I think I could still be tastier.” The boss smiles widely, and claps his hands together. “I like your attitude, young man. I tell you what, if you go out and work for two more years, I’ll upgrade you to an Apple Jack.” The Cheerio happily agrees, and speeds out of his boss’s office to get to work. He works hard for two more years, and makes the trip back into his boss’s office. Again, upon receiving the promotion, the Cheerio tastes himself and still thinks he can be better.
-
“Boss,” he says, “I really can’t thank you enough, but I still think I can taste better.” The boss furrows his brow and looks deep into the Cheerio’s eyes. “You’re a real go-getter, boy. If you go out and work for three years, I’ll upgrade you to a Captain Crunch Crunch Berry.” The Cheerio nods his head, and storms out to get back to work. He works hard, harder than he ever has, for those three years, and comes back to his boss for the promotion. He tastes himself again, and is still unimpressed.
-
“Before you say anything,” the Boss interjects, “I’ll assume you’re still not satisfied. I want to extend the opportunity to upgrade to a Lucky Charms Marshmallow, but only if you go out and work for four more years.” The Cheerio goes home, thinks about his boss’s proposal, and comes back the next day ready to accept. He goes and works diligently for four years, and when he comes back he can definitely taste the difference. The strolls into his boss’s office proudly and sits down. “Boss, I taste amazing. I mean seriously, I might be the tastiest cereal ever. Thank you.”
-
The boss laughs. “Not quite, son. If you want, you can go out to work for five years and become a Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But if you do, you’ll never be able to become a Reese’s Puff.” The Cheerio wracks his brain for a decision taking weeks to weigh the two options, and eventually concludes that no matter what he has to give up, he wants to become a Cinnamon Toast Crunch. He goes out and dedicates five years of his life to becoming a Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and when he comes back into his boss’s office, he is almost unbearably delicious.
-
“Boss, I’ve hit the pinnacle of tastiness. I doubt that in all my years of life, I’ve ever tasted anything so good, and doubt I’ll ever taste anything better.” The boss slowly shakes his head, smiling. “Listen. Only one cereal on Earth has done what I’m about to suggest, but I think you have the chops to make it a reality. If you go out and work for ten years, I can almost guarantee you to become a Honeycomb.” Picking his jaw up off the ground, the Cheerio happily and eagerly accepts. He goes out and works. For ten years, sleeping very little, eating even less, ignoring friends, family, and any other obligation, he does nothing but work for ten long years, and the Cheerio staggers back into his boss’s office successful. His boss upgrades him to a Honeycomb, and those ten years of hard labor instantly becomes more than worth it.
-
His boss is floored. “Son, I had my doubts about you, but now there’s nothing more I can give you. Well done.” The Cheerio, feeling like the tastiest thing in the universe, proudly leaves his boss’s office and goes into the open world. However, working for twenty-five years made the Cheerio incredibly thirsty, so he makes the trip to the most popular store in town, the milk store. The line stretches out of the door and around the corner, so the Cheerio decides to drink something else. He goes to the water store, and though the line is definitely shorter, there’s still a hundred people waiting in front of him. He figures he could probably go somewhere else before the line clears, so he decides to go to the punch store. One he arrives, he remembers that he hates punch, but he isn’t going to go anywhere else because there’s no punch line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/323a70/a_cheerio_walks_into_his_bosss_office/
%
I just learned that half of Asian-Americans have cataracts.

The other half drive a Rincoln.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/323a1c/i_just_learned_that_half_of_asianamericans_have/
%
An old man dies. His dog lies down next to him and died also.

And so, they find themselves above the clouds near the Pearly gates and a sign "Herein lies Heaven. Absolutely no dogs allowed."
He doesn't enter and goes further. They walk down a road and see other gates, with no sign on them, and a bearded man sitting on a bench nearby.
"Excuse me,…" he says.
"Peter."
"Peter, what are these gates?"
"These lead to heaven."
"And what were those?"
"Oh, those were to hell, we don't tolerate fuckers who abandon friends here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32389s/an_old_man_dies_his_dog_lies_down_next_to_him_and/
%
A hunting story.

So three buddies were on a hunting trip in the mountains. It had been an exhausting trip but they had managed to kill a couple of dear and were back at their campsite late at night. One of them was facing the dilemma of answering nature's call or just simply crashing into his sleeping bag for the night. By sheer force of will he dragged himself from his bed and out to the outhouse to do some paperwork. However, being as tired as he was, he fell asleep on the pot.
The next morning his friends awoke early and noticed him missing. They searched the camp-sight and finally found him snoring on the toiled. They decided to prank their hapless friend by putting the Deer guts down the outhouse, the idea being to make several jokes on the way home about how he had taken such a colossal shit over the night that he pooped his guts out. That done they headed back to the cabin and waited.
15 minutes later they hear their friend runs into the cabin and says "You guys will never believe it, Last night, I was so tired that I fell asleep on the can and pooped my guts out. But, thanks to my brute force, and this stick, I got them back in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32382p/a_hunting_story/
%
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3230zk/why_did_the_scarecrow_get_a_promotion/
%
Whats the difference between the Titanic and EA servers.

The Titanic only went down once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/322zym/whats_the_difference_between_the_titanic_and_ea/
%
i was cutting boards at work...

i was cutting boards at work, as i went to bring my saw down to do a cut a rabbit jumped right on the cutting table and got cut right in half, my boss ran over and said "you just chopped that rabbit in half" and i said "no i cut it in half" to which he responded "now you are just splitting hairs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/322z6t/i_was_cutting_boards_at_work/
%
Three people walk into a bar.

First person: I want the largest glass of beer you have.
Second person: You want the largest glass of beer we have?
Third person: He wants the largest glass of beer you have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/322ufa/three_people_walk_into_a_bar/
%
What language does a patio speak?

Porch-uguese

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/322std/what_language_does_a_patio_speak/
%
Yo momma so fat...

Yo momma so fat when she talks to herself its a long distance call.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/322g87/yo_momma_so_fat/
%
My girlfriend and I have an intimate relationship, but she got upset when I was using her toothbrush.

So I just said 'Hey, if YOU have a better way to get dogshit out of sneakers...'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/322dk5/my_girlfriend_and_i_have_an_intimate_relationship/
%
Want to hear a racist joke?

Just kidding, i'm not racist. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/322clk/want_to_hear_a_racist_joke/
%
I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever

they said, "No, just till the end of June".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/322cjh/i_emailed_netflix_and_asked_if_they_had_batman/
%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know, and I don't care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/322baf/whats_the_difference_between_ignorance_and_apathy/
%
How do you know if a Chinese man has robbed your house?

Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later, he's still trying to back out of your driveway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/322ams/how_do_you_know_if_a_chinese_man_has_robbed_your/
%
There's a band called 1023mb

They haven't had any gigs yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32294d/theres_a_band_called_1023mb/
%
My ex-wife was deaf. she left me for a deaf friend of hers

i should have seen the signs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32273d/my_exwife_was_deaf_she_left_me_for_a_deaf_friend/
%
My boss fired an employee unexpectedly today and everyone wants to know why...

I think it's because he was caught with a bag of cocaine. But regardless, our boss told us to keep our noses out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3226j0/my_boss_fired_an_employee_unexpectedly_today_and/
%
I was accused of plagiarism...

Their words, not mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3225rr/i_was_accused_of_plagiarism/
%
Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?

Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32220p/why_do_buddhists_always_buy_1_ply_toilet_paper/
%
"I bought some dodgy steroids last week and I grew another penis"

"Anabolic?"
"No, just the penis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3221zj/i_bought_some_dodgy_steroids_last_week_and_i_grew/
%
I've been texting this cute dyslexic girl.

I think she likes me, but she keeps sending mixed messages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3221ej/ive_been_texting_this_cute_dyslexic_girl/
%
Who was the first black guy to admit he was the father?

Darth Vader.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3220cs/who_was_the_first_black_guy_to_admit_he_was_the/
%
Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg?

Neither. The rooster did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/321y5o/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
%
How do you cancel your appointment at the spermicides bank?

You call and say you can't cum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/321wft/how_do_you_cancel_your_appointment_at_the/
%
what do you call 2 mexicans on a fire truck?

Jose and Jos-B
this was always my mom's favorite joke, R.I.P. Mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/321sym/what_do_you_call_2_mexicans_on_a_fire_truck/
%
What causes arthritis?

A drunk man sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick. He smelled awful, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here, that the Pope does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/321na8/what_causes_arthritis/
%
What does a mathematician do when he is constipated?

He works it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/321n6z/what_does_a_mathematician_do_when_he_is/
%
Chemistry Joke: What is "Me"+"U"...

A rare gathering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/321n4y/chemistry_joke_what_is_meu/
%
What it Princess Zelda's favorite food?

Hot Links

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/321n3t/what_it_princess_zeldas_favorite_food/
%
Jew joke

Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Their women won't touch anything that's not 20% off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/321jca/jew_joke/
%
If there's one thing my English major girlfriend has taught me,

It's what a colon does.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/321hp7/if_theres_one_thing_my_english_major_girlfriend/
%
Why do you put a fence around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/321hfk/why_do_you_put_a_fence_around_a_graveyard/
%
What did the artist ask Shakespeare when he was sketching his portrait?

2B or not 2B?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/321e93/what_did_the_artist_ask_shakespeare_when_he_was/
%
A little boy was doing terribly in school.

The boy had done poorly in school his whole life and nothing seemed to work.  He went from school to school and tutor to tutor but no one could work with him.  He wasn't getting in to trouble or doing drugs he just wasn't to smart and couldn't find the motivation to get himself to work.
After going to just about every school in the city there was only one school left that would accept him.  It was a Catholic school.  The family wasn't religious but they knew the value of an education so they sen't him there anyways.
After the first day of school, the boy comes home with a very serious face and heads straight upstairs to his room.  His parents only thoughts were "not again", and left him be till dinner.  When his mother went to retrieve him she opened his door and saw that he was hard at work doing his homework. Something he had never done before.  Without saying anything about the homework they headed downstairs and ate dinner.
Both the mother and father both had their doubts about how hard he would continue to work on his school work but sure enough day after day he would come home and do nothing but do his school work.  His parents were stunned but stayed to themselves and let their son work thinking surely the result will be the same.
After the first quarter of school and a lot of anticipation from the parents, the boy finally came home with his report card.  He walked in the door, set the report card on the table, and went straight up to his room.  His mother opened the report card and to their surprise he had straight A's and B's.  Shocked she had to go speak to her son.  She went up stairs into his room where he was back doing homework again.
"Ok, I have to ask, are they beating you?"
"No", he said as he kept focused on his homework.
"Is it the nuns?"
"No."
"Well then, WHAT was it? The books? The uniforms? Are the other students teasing you? WHAT WAS IT?"
The boy raised his head from his homework and says, "well, on the first day when I saw that man nailed to a plus sign I knew they meant business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/321e57/a_little_boy_was_doing_terribly_in_school/
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Have you heard the one about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic?

He would lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/321dx8/have_you_heard_the_one_about_the_insomniac/
%
That awkward movement when you...

read movement as moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3219y5/that_awkward_movement_when_you/
%
My Lesbian neighbors got me a Timex for my birthday

They misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3215bu/my_lesbian_neighbors_got_me_a_timex_for_my/
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I was shocked to find out that the woman I love was a one-night-stand type of girl.

So I went to the furniture store and got her another one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3214mg/i_was_shocked_to_find_out_that_the_woman_i_love/
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I told my girlfriend I could use a little pussy

She said "me too, mine's as big as a house."
Credit: Predator (1987)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3212ct/i_told_my_girlfriend_i_could_use_a_little_pussy/
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When kids learn to swear.

A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'."
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm and they head down stairs.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell, Mom. I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
Mom slaps him -- Whack!
The older boy flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers. "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32100d/when_kids_learn_to_swear/
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A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walks into a bar

He orders a beer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320y9v/a_priest_a_pedophile_and_a_rapist_walks_into_a_bar/
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[NSFW] A man walks in holding a duck under his arm....

man walks in holding a duck under his arm and says "This is the pig I've been fucking."
His wife replies " That's not a pig it's a duck."
Man says " I was talking to the Duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320x7q/nsfw_a_man_walks_in_holding_a_duck_under_his_arm/
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"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

-Lee Harvey Oswald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320vbe/you_miss_100_of_the_shots_you_dont_take/
%
What did the fat prostitute say to the skinny prostitute?

"We really should have made better life choices."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320t83/what_did_the_fat_prostitute_say_to_the_skinny/
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When i have sex it's a race to see who comes first

... me or the aspca

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320sq9/when_i_have_sex_its_a_race_to_see_who_comes_first/
%
Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320soc/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/
%
I usually piss in my shower combo to save on water

But I should really stop taking baths they are so wasteful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320qtu/i_usually_piss_in_my_shower_combo_to_save_on_water/
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A man and his wife

Husband: I have good news and bad news.
Wife: What's the good news?
Husband: You are my life!
Wife: :D And the bad news?
Husband: Life is terrible!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320pkv/a_man_and_his_wife/
%
What are 8 Hobbits?

One hobbyte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320ort/what_are_8_hobbits/
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My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died...

She was attacked by a giant crab.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320opw/my_wifes_star_sign_was_cancer_and_its_quite/
%
How does every racist joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320omu/how_does_every_racist_joke_start/
%
Why did the little boy use his inhaler?

"No wheezin'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320oms/why_did_the_little_boy_use_his_inhaler/
%
My grandad has the heart of a lion...

...and a lifetime ban from the Edinburgh zoo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320m6f/my_grandad_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/
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What did the pirate get on his report card?

Seven C's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320lf1/what_did_the_pirate_get_on_his_report_card/
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Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze friken automobile" the German says disbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320k9h/five_germans_in_an_audi_quattro_arrive_at_the/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

Because his wife died.
Also;
what is Forest Gump's password?
1Forest1

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320fe3/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_bottles/
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What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320ed8/whats_the_difference_between_an_oyster_shucker/
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Big GTA 5 bug

A cop killed my white character in GTA 5. Anyone else experiencing this bug?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3209kx/big_gta_5_bug/
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After 50 long years, you promise not to tell?

A man works at a factory and every day he takes an empty wheelbarrow home after his shift. Each day he walks past a security gate, and each day the security guard standing guard suspiciously inspects the wheelbarrow and lets the man pass.
After 50 long years the guard finally asks the worker, "Look, I'm retiring today. I won't tell anyone, but what have you been stealing all these years?"
Looking over his shoulder the worker replied, "You promise not to say?"
"Yes, I promise." said the guard with a stern look on his face. "I have caught a man stealing a pen for his daughter's homework, a man hiding bread to take home to his hungry family, and even another one taking home water to wash his clothes. You, however, I could not catch. Either you are the most honest or the most ingenious man here."
With a grin on his face the worker looked up at the guard and said, "Okay, well I've been stealing wheelbarrows this whole time. I now have a whole business set up that I don't even need to work here anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3208pm/after_50_long_years_you_promise_not_to_tell/
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THE BUS DRIVER

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3208c3/the_bus_driver/
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What does a white man never want to call a black man that starts with "N" and ends with "R"?

Neighbor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3205yp/what_does_a_white_man_never_want_to_call_a_black/
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Why do sumo wrestles shave their legs?

So that you can tell them apart from feminists

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320565/why_do_sumo_wrestles_shave_their_legs/
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RIP Boiling Water

You will be mist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3204xc/rip_boiling_water/
%
What ringtone have you got?

Murphy asked Paddy, "What ringtone have you got?"
Paddy said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3200pu/what_ringtone_have_you_got/
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A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government

, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed.  In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying.  He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.  So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.  When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.  Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't there.  So he went to the maid's room.  When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.  Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud,  "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full of shit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32003p/a_teacher_was_teaching_her_second_grade_class/
%
Why did the pervert cross the road?

He couldn't get his cock out of the chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zyqj/why_did_the_pervert_cross_the_road/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Who are we kidding,  feminists can't change anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zyl5/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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DRINKING BUDDIES

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zy3c/drinking_buddies/
%
It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.

One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zxxu/its_not_difficult_to_tell_crocodiles_and/
%
Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One deer turns to the other and says "Man, I cant believe i blew 30 bucks in there"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zxrp/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/
%
Did you here about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zx53/did_you_here_about_the_two_guys_that_stole_a/
%
There was a Scottish painter...

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and  setting up the planks,
and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine...
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.
"Repaint!  Repaint!   And thin no more!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zup4/there_was_a_scottish_painter/
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My girlfriend didn't believe me when I said I could build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zp3k/my_girlfriend_didnt_believe_me_when_i_said_i/
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What Makes ISIS Spread Faster Than The Internet?

An Airstrike.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zobm/what_makes_isis_spread_faster_than_the_internet/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zncq/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
%
I saw a lady texting and driving today

I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zmfb/i_saw_a_lady_texting_and_driving_today/
%
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

Because it wasn't born yesterday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zk72/why_cant_you_fool_an_aborted_fetus/
%
What has two wings and a halo?

A chinese man on the phone! Wing wing, halo?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zgoj/what_has_two_wings_and_a_halo/
%
Finally decided to throw away my favourite pair of socks

but then i got cold feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zfu0/finally_decided_to_throw_away_my_favourite_pair/
%
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb

None. Who needs a lightbulb when there's a glass ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zdsx/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Magic lamp

"found a magic lamp the other day" I said to my friend
"really, what did you wish for" he replied
"well, the Genie said that I had 2 options. Either a really large penis or photogenic memory"
"So which did you choose?"
I can't remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31zaol/magic_lamp/
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G-r-l-ammer

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammar.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31za7q/grlammer/
%
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Sylvester Stallone wanted to dress up as classical composers for Halloween?

"You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31z6da/what_did_arnold_schwarzenegger_say_when_sylvester/
%
if I'm ever trying to murder someone...

If I'm ever trying to murder someone and they're getting away, I'm just gonna yell "WAIT! YOU'RE ON SCARE TACTICS!"
and as they come back laughing I'll stab them 47 times in the chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31z3w2/if_im_ever_trying_to_murder_someone/
%
"If you woke up with your pants at your ankles and your ass covered in vasoline, would you tell anybody?"

Guy #2: "No."
Guy #1: "Just wondering.... Wanna go camping?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31z2fq/if_you_woke_up_with_your_pants_at_your_ankles_and/
%
A businessman is getting on a flight...

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a great place to be today."
Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters the plane, and to The guy's delight, sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks.
Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight, with the Pope sitting next to me. The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I.
He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that His Holiness is tapping his pencil, thinking.
After a little while of pencil taping, the Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
"Anything Your Holiness.. What is it?"
"Do you know a four letter word that ends in '' u-n-t '' that means something associated with women?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31yz31/a_businessman_is_getting_on_a_flight/
%
A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural...

A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Heck! From way back there I thought you said "Goats!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ywl7/a_professor_at_the_university_of_texas_was_giving/
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What's a pirate's favorite letter?

The P. If the P was taken away, he would be irate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ysft/whats_a_pirates_favorite_letter/
%
Why are gametes so popular?

Because sex cells!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31yn0o/why_are_gametes_so_popular/
%
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ycqu/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
%
So I was doing donuts in my car..

And a cop pulls me over. Now I know what you're thinking, who names their dog Donuts?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ycca/so_i_was_doing_donuts_in_my_car/
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Want to hear a joke?

Ok
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31yaf1/want_to_hear_a_joke/
%
How do you convert Spanish programming into English?

Yes++

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31y3wf/how_do_you_convert_spanish_programming_into/
%
What do 16 year old boys and drug companies have in common?

They are both more worried about getting inside you than being effective once there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31y2tc/what_do_16_year_old_boys_and_drug_companies_have/
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What do you call an overweight rapper?

2 Chinz

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31y1s1/what_do_you_call_an_overweight_rapper/
%
A priest and a rabbi are walking in the park.

The priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "How much do you charge for circumscisions?"
The rabbi responds, "They're free, but I get to keep the tips."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31xzda/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_walking_in_the_park/
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Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31xyqx/most_people_believe_that_if_it_aint_broke_dont/
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Four Nuns

These four nuns were met with a terrible fate and all passed away. When they arrive at the pearly gates, they are greeted by St. Peter. He says to them.
"I'm sure you've all lived holy lives, but before I let you through I want you each to tell me the worst sin you've ever committed."
The first nun shyly says "I once looked at a man's penis..."
St. Peter says "Alright, God forgives you. Come over to this pool of holy water and wash your eyes out."
She does and then walks through.
The second nun walks up
St. Peter asks "What is the worst sin you've ever committed?"
The second nun shyly says "I once touched a mans penis..."
St. Peter replies "Alright, God forgives you. Come over to this pool of holy water and wash your hands."
She does and walks through.
Now, the fourth nun starts shouting "Me next! Me next!"
St. Peter says "Wait your turn."
Insistingly, the fourth nun says "NoNoNo, Me Next! Me Next!"
St. Peter replies "Now why is it that you have to go next?"
The fourth nun says "Because, I want to rinse my mouth out before Sister Ann sticks her ass in that thing!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31xxpe/four_nuns/
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What did Hitler get the Jews for Christmas?

Nothing. Jews don't celebrate Christmas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31xwc0/what_did_hitler_get_the_jews_for_christmas/
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A patient kept complaining about his life-support machine making a weird noise

So I tried turning it off and back on again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31xv9l/a_patient_kept_complaining_about_his_lifesupport/
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A rich man and a poor man

There once was a rich man and a poor man. Each longed for love and a life to share with another special person. One day they both found just that. Come to find out however, they were each dating the other's sister.
So the rich man, being very protective of his little sister, organized a double date for the couples. While on the date, the rich man couldn't wait any longer and shouted to the poor man, "Anything you do to my sister, I do to your sister!" So the poor man thought for a minute. "Okay," he said and reached down in his pocket, pulled out a dollar and said, "Here sweetie, have my life savings."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31xu6c/a_rich_man_and_a_poor_man/
%
Joe went to a party and met a woman sitting on a wooden chair with 3 small children around her

The woman happened to be Joe's long-lost aunt Froda, and upon seeing him, beckoned him to her. Froda told him, "These are my 3 children!"
She pointed to this first one.
"He is Watery."
"Why Watery?" Joe asked her.
"Cause when he was born, a droplet of water fell on his head."
"Hmm"
"This here," she gestured to her daughter, "is Leafy."
"Leafy?" Joe asked her.
"When she was born, a leaf fell on her head."
Suddenly, the 3rd child screamed, "MY FAVORITE COLOR IS POTATO!"
"Shut up Bricky."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31xs31/joe_went_to_a_party_and_met_a_woman_sitting_on_a/
%
Why don't Pirates get invited to Birthday parties?

Because they always steal doubloons

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31xqyn/why_dont_pirates_get_invited_to_birthday_parties/
%
A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills...

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"
His granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31xmtq/a_boy_asks_his_granny_have_you_seen_my_pills/
%
What do you get when you cross a onion and a donkey?

A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31xcd8/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_onion_and_a/
%
A man comes home from work to the sound of moaning from his wife...

...so he runs upstairs and finds his wife naked in bed. She shouts, "Help, help, I'm having a heart attack!" So the man bolts downstairs and as he reaches the bottom, his son comes up to him. "I saw Uncle Derrick go into Mummy's bedroom with Mum and she started making large groaning noises." So he storms off back upstairs, marches into the wifes bedroom and walks over to the cupboard. he opens it and sees Uncle Derrick huddled in a corner with no clothes on. "Derrick, you've got some explaining to do," the man says to him, "My wife's having a heart attack and all you can do is hide in my closet naked?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31xa05/a_man_comes_home_from_work_to_the_sound_of/
%
A man saves up to buy a Ferrari

He's been saving every dime, every nickel, every dollar he can, and now he finally has enough to buy a brand new Ferrari in one lump sum. For fun, he decides to withdraw the full amount and pay for the car in cash.
He goes to the dealership, goes through all the paperwork, and gives them the money. A few minutes later, the dealer comes out of his office.
"Sir, we have a bit of a problem. You are exactly five cents short of the price."
The man is stunned. "Come on, it's just a nickel!"
"Sorry, but you'll have to pay in full. I can wait if you need to withdraw some money from your account."
"But that's literally all I have right now! Give me a minute..."
He runs outside the dealership and looks around, spying a small cafe next door. An old man sits at a table outside the cafe, sipping a coffee and reading the newspaper. He approaches the old man.
"Excuse me, this might be an odd request," he says, "but can you spare a nickel? I'm trying to buy a Ferrari."
The old man's eyes light up and he starts digging around through his wallet.
"Hang on, I think I got a dime, will you pick one up for me too?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31x7se/a_man_saves_up_to_buy_a_ferrari/
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I'd hate to be stuck behind Satan in the post office...

...for the accursed one takes many forms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31x55r/id_hate_to_be_stuck_behind_satan_in_the_post/
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When Miley Cyrus licks a sledgehammer, it's called "art" and "music.

When I do it, I'm "drunk" and "have to leave Home Depot".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31x4yw/when_miley_cyrus_licks_a_sledgehammer_its_called/
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A 3-year old boy

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31x0bk/a_3year_old_boy/
%
I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me...

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wyli/i_used_to_go_out_with_an_english_teacher_but_she/
%
I've hosted an bukkake party for my girlfriend

You should've seen her face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wyhh/ive_hosted_an_bukkake_party_for_my_girlfriend/
%
My mom went to go buy a Christmas tree from the store

The man behind the counter said "are you going to put it up yourself?" Mom says "no thats terrible, im going to put it in the family room"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wvit/my_mom_went_to_go_buy_a_christmas_tree_from_the/
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A young boy enters a barber shop...

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wr62/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/
%
My dad once told me I would make a great mime...

I was speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wr03/my_dad_once_told_me_i_would_make_a_great_mime/
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Why can't atheists solve quadratic equations?

They don't believe in higher powers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wqdj/why_cant_atheists_solve_quadratic_equations/
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The first testicular guard was used in Cricket...

The first testicular guard was used in Cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wnhe/the_first_testicular_guard_was_used_in_cricket/
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Dear JUSTIN BEIBER haters...

Dear JUSTIN BEIBER haters*
.
.
.
I owe my life to justin.
On march 9th, 2012 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash.
One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song, So I got up and turned the radio off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wltc/dear_justin_beiber_haters/
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There are reports that Kim Jon Un doesn't have a butthole

That's because all of his shit comes out of his mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wjyp/there_are_reports_that_kim_jon_un_doesnt_have_a/
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I saw a poor lady...

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she was poor, she only had 60p in her purse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wh5r/i_saw_a_poor_lady/
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wgup/women_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how_much/
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AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so
you may as well tell me now.
'Was it Maria Minetti?'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her..'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My 2 lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
Joey Pagano, I admire your zipped lip,
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides
over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
4 months vacation and five good leads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wg4u/an_italian_boys_confession/
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A guy and his family are on safari...

And they're traveling across Africa. they see the Giraffes, in all their majestic awkwardness, and they see the lions, with their intimidating beauty. The family then comes upon a herd of Elephants, and the child notices that one of the baby elephants is standing with his paw in the air, like he's injured. Without thinking, the kid jumps out of the Jeep, and runs up to the elephant. Turns out theres a large stick wedged in his paw. The young child pulls the stick out, and the elephant wraps him up in his trunk, lifts him waaaaaay up in the air, and lets out a big elephant roar, and puts him down.
Fast forward a few years, and the kid has grown up and has a family of his own, as kids tend to do. One day he decides to take his family to the zoo, and they see the polar bears, all pent up and sad looking. And they see the Tigers, looking terrifying as shit, and they finally come to the elephant enclosure. The father is pointing out the elephant tusks and whatnot, when he notices something, a familiar face if you will. without thinking about it, he jumps over the fence, and races up to this one full grown elephant. He stands face-to-face with the elephant, and touches his paw. The elephant wraps him up in his trunk, lifts him waaaaay up into the air, and lets out a mighty elephant roar... then tramples the guy to death. So I guess it wasn't the same elephant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wdbb/a_guy_and_his_family_are_on_safari/
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"Breaking News"

The inventor of the Anagram has died...may he "erect a penis"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wcc7/breaking_news/
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I could never fist a girl

My hand would always be reaching for a Pringle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31wbmx/i_could_never_fist_a_girl/
%
I was asked by a feminist how I viewed lesbian relationships..

"In HD" was NOT the right answer...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31w9p1/i_was_asked_by_a_feminist_how_i_viewed_lesbian/
%
Where does Sean Connery sit?

In the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31w9mh/where_does_sean_connery_sit/
%
Drunk Husband

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes
to bed in his drunken stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much it helps to keep your mouth shut?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31w98r/drunk_husband/
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[NSFW] What do people in Arkansas say after having sex?

Get off me pa you're crushing my smokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31w8u0/nsfw_what_do_people_in_arkansas_say_after_having/
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Whats the difference between a refrigerator and a gay man?

Refrigerators don't fart when you pull the meat out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31w87e/whats_the_difference_between_a_refrigerator_and_a/
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A pregnant woman during a bank robery

[translated from dutch, sorry if anything is translated wrong]
A pregnant woman goes to a bank to collect the money for the ultrasound she is gonna have soon, when all of the sudden the bank gets robbed. 3 armed guys run into the bank shouting everyone to get down. The woman, being pregnant, can't get down that easy. One of the armed guys panics and thinks she is resisting, so he shoots her and hits her multiple times in her belly. Thankfully, the woman survives, and she gets rushed to the hospital. After everything seems fine, the doctors decide she should have her ultrasound. The doctor see's that she is gonna give birth to 3 children 2 girls and 1 boy, BUT, they all have been hit by a bullet. However, the doctor thinks that it'll be fine and at some point of their lives, the bullets will come out.
So, a few years later, one of the girls comes crying to her mother "Mommy, I just peed and when I wanted to flush the toilet, there was a bullet in the water" so her mom calms her down and explains the Bank robbery story. After this the girl is calmed down but still a bit worried. A few weeks later, the other girl comes running and crying to her mom. Before she can even speak, her mom says "let me guess, you went to the toilet and found a bullet?" "yes mommy, how do you know?" and to her, the mom too explains the armed robbery story. But then a few months later the boy comes crying to his mom, so before he can speak she says "let me guess, you were doing some business in the toilet when there was a bullet inside of it?" "NO" the boy replies, "I was jerking off and all of the sudden I shot our dog"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31w7kx/a_pregnant_woman_during_a_bank_robery/
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What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31w4s1/whats_a_pirates_least_favourite_letter/
%
Why didn't Hitler go to strip clubs?

Because he didn't like poles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31w4oi/why_didnt_hitler_go_to_strip_clubs/
%
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31w3tv/a_man_goes_into_a_library_and_asks_for_a_book_on/
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For those who get Jewish humor...

A kindergarden class is asked to do some drawing. The teacher approaches a 5-year-old girl in the class and asks her what she's drawing.
"I'm drawing God," she says.
The teacher smiles. "But no one knows what God looks like."
"They will in 5 minutes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31w2zi/for_those_who_get_jewish_humor/
%
I'm writing a film about a cannibal undead tax exile who plays drums, eats your mother and then is sick.

It's a nondomtomtomnomnommomvomromzomcom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31w2xd/im_writing_a_film_about_a_cannibal_undead_tax/
%
I'm in a band called Arrogant Rat

We're like Modest Mouse but way better

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31w24z/im_in_a_band_called_arrogant_rat/
%
My housemate threw milk on me...

how dairy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31w0r1/my_housemate_threw_milk_on_me/
%
What did Dave Grohl say when someone stole his Greek food?

There goes my gyroooo

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31vwyu/what_did_dave_grohl_say_when_someone_stole_his/
%
Polish Farmers

Two Polish Farmers are talking about how to make more money, and Polish Farmer 1 notes that he is going to start raising Chickens for more income.
When the chickens arrive, Polish Farmer 1 digs 50 holes in a neat row, and buries the chickens up to their necks.  He waters them, and within a day, they are all dead.
He asks Polish Farmer 2 what he did wrong?  Polish Farmer 2 looks at the dead chickens, and says, "you planted them wrong."
So, Polish Farmer 1 buys more chickens, digs more holes, and this time, plants them head first into the soil, buries them, and waters them.  Within a day, all the chickens are dead.
Polish Farmer 1 talks with Polish Farmer 2 and says, "how is this wrong, no one else has dead chickens?"  Farmer 2 says, "Lets call Krakow University, they have an agriculture school, they will know how to fix this".
So they call the school, and tell them everything they have done, planting chickens by the feet, planting chickens by the head, all dead chickens.  There is a LONG pause.  And finally, the university replies:
"We're going to need a soil sample"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31vu1c/polish_farmers/
%
Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31vtcq/bear_remover/
%
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31vtc5/what_do_eskimos_get_from_sitting_on_the_ice_too/
%
A prisoner was cleaning the walls in his cell with a flannel...

...when the prisoner in the next cell asked if he can use it. "Sure," the first prisoner said and he gave him it. This struck up a conversation and the first prisoner asked, "So how did you end up in here mate?"
"Well," he replied, "It's a funny story. I was low on cash and saw a guy walking down the street and mugged him. Stole his money and everything. The sad thing is though, he only had two pence, so basically I'm in here for stealing two pence."
"Wow," the first prisoner responded, "that's exactly the same reason why I'm in here as well."
A third prisoner leaned out of his cell, "Hey mate, can you pass me that flannel? My cell wall is dirty." The second prisoner handed him the flannel and asked him how he got inside. "Stole two pence from this man," he responded.
When the third prisoner had finished, he handed the flannel back to the first prisoner and when he looked at it he saw that it was all black, dirty and could never be used again.
I suppose the moral to this story is: twopenny crooks spoil the cloth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31vno2/a_prisoner_was_cleaning_the_walls_in_his_cell/
%
My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Countdown with them

"What's that?", I replied, "Dracula's retarded brother?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31vn80/my_friend_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_watch_countdown/
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Vacation in the alps

This is a translation/version of a joke from a Swedish movie. I take no credit in its creation.
A Swedish family of four is on vacation in the Austrian alps. The mother is in a gift-shop when her daughter bursts in.
>- Mom! Mom! Dad's in the hospital with a broken arm, a cracked rib and a broken nose!
>- What!? Did he hurt himself while skiing again?
>- No ... He got into an argument with a German who cut in line to the ski lift.
>- What happened?
>- Well, at first, he called the German "Liftwaffe". And then he said he couldn't believe anyone would be that cocky after losing two world wars.
>- Wait a minute ... Did dad really say all that in German?
>- No ... I translated it for him!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31vkfs/vacation_in_the_alps/
%
Vegan ribs are actually delicious!

The hardest part is hunting down the vegan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31vjwo/vegan_ribs_are_actually_delicious/
%
The school year is like a burrito...

After 3 quarters you're full but you have to keep going even though it's all falling apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31viop/the_school_year_is_like_a_burrito/
%
What is a pirate's favourite letter?

He doesn't have one. He's illiterate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31vhxi/what_is_a_pirates_favourite_letter/
%
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

-Walking.
-JK, Rowling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31vh3w/how_did_harry_potter_get_down_the_hill/
%
I don't care if a human is male or female,

Black or white, European, American, or Asian, they all taste the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31veqm/i_dont_care_if_a_human_is_male_or_female/
%
Two hunters are in the woods...

Two hunters were in the woods, when one collapsed. He didn't seem to be breathing. The other called the emergency number and said, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator said, "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." After a second of silence on the hunter's end, the operator heard a gunshot. The hunter came back on the phone and said, ""OK, now what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31vdmr/two_hunters_are_in_the_woods/
%
While scrolling the front page I saw the most annoying thread ever

It was coming out of the sweater I was wearing. That was my favorite sweater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31vbua/while_scrolling_the_front_page_i_saw_the_most/
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A scholar and the village drunkard gets into a friendly competition of who's smarter...

The people gather at the field outside of the village waiting for the showdown to take place.
The scholar says, "The rules are simple, we both will communicate each other without using words. Once one person cannot interpret the other, he loses."
The two met in face to face while others watch.
The scholar says, "I'll start."
He raises 1 finger in front of the drunkard's face. The drunkard retaliates by raising two fingers (like a peace sign).
The scholar raises a fist in front of the drunkard's face. The drunkard raises a fist and put his other palm under the elbow, whilst shaking the fist.
The scholar gives him an 'ok' sign (creating a circle with index finger and thumb). The drunkard put his palms together like a prayer and raises it in the air while letting the palms separate.
The scholar looks at him confused not knowing what to do. After muttering "Whaaaat? What?" under his breath, he turns to everyone and says, I admit defeat. And slowly turn to walk away.
The villagers ran to the scholar saying, "What happened? What happened? What did he say to you?"
The scholar replied, "I started by saying Unity" and he said, "Diversity". Then I said, "Power". And he said, "Absolute POWER". Then I said, "World Domniation. An.. and... I don't know. I don't know what he meant by that." Saddened and ashamed he walked away.
All the villagers now ran to the drunkard asking, "What happened? You won. What did he say to you?"
The drunkard says, "I don't know man. This fucking queer comes to me and tell me that he wants to stick ONE finger up my ass. Hell no, I told him I'm gonna stick TWO fingers up his ass. He has the balls to tell me that he's gonna shove his FIST up my ass? I told him I'm gonna shove my whole FOREARM in his ass. He told me that my asshole is too small. I told him I'll make it BIG!"
-The End
P.S: Its my first post guys. This joke is better delivered than read IMO. I hope ya'll enjoy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31vb9z/a_scholar_and_the_village_drunkard_gets_into_a/
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A feminist told me I really need to take a Women's Studies class.

I told her "There is no way I'm going to spend a semester studying a broad."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31vabw/a_feminist_told_me_i_really_need_to_take_a_womens/
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Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

They're really good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31v8v6/why_dont_you_ever_see_elephants_hiding_in_trees/
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If I had a dollar for every dollar I had...

I would be a counterfeiter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31v3y3/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_dollar_i_had/
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How does a Buzzfeed writer catch fish?

Clickbait.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31v1ht/how_does_a_buzzfeed_writer_catch_fish/
%
I said to my girlfriend, " Please get me a newspaper. "

I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31v16y/i_said_to_my_girlfriend_please_get_me_a_newspaper/
%
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31v0tz/in_a_murder_trial_the_defense_attorney_was/
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In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

God damn inflation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31v02t/in_the_toy_shop_in_my_area_packet_balloons_cost/
%
Police officer: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I'm just as
confused as you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ux2j/police_officer_sir_do_you_know_why_i_pulled_you/
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logician joke (hard to get)

3 logicians walk into a bar. The blonde bartender smiles and says with a mock sigh,
'Hmmm.. Logicians again. I think you're all cute, but you're not ALL going to try to pick me up, are you?'
The first logician says: 'I don't know - maybe?' and looks at the other two.
The second logician says, 'I don't know - maybe?' and looks at the third one.
The third logician says, 'Well, looks like we are!' and orders four beers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31uvah/logician_joke_hard_to_get/
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One of the oldest jokes I know from my childhood

[Translated from dutch, so there might be some spelling errors]
A man walks in a bar and sees a big jar with money. He asks the barkeeper "what is the jar for?". The barkeeper says "If you put 5 dollar in the jar, I will give you three challenges, if you complete all three challenges you will get the entire jar!". The man is a bit courageous so he puts 5 dollars in the jar. The barkeeper says "great, these are the three challenges; first you have to chug this entire bottle of wodka, if you move a muscle  or can't keep it in you lose. If you've done that, you've to pull a tooth from a big bulldog with a toothache outside. And your last challenge is to have sex with the old lady upstairs. She is old and has never had sex in her entire life so you have to give her that pleasure."
So the man takes the bottle of wodka and chugs the entire bottle as if it's water. After that the man is pretty drunk and stumbles outside to the bulldog. The barkeeper hears a lot of noise and a lot of barking and yapping. After 5 minutes the man walks back in and says "I've done it, now where is that old lady with the toothache?".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31usxv/one_of_the_oldest_jokes_i_know_from_my_childhood/
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How do you hide an elephant up a cheery tree?

Put it in the tree and paint it's balls red.
What's the loudest noise in the world?
A giraffe eating cherries

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31urep/how_do_you_hide_an_elephant_up_a_cheery_tree/
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A cow climbs a coconut tree..

A cow climbs a coconut tree.
Coconut Tree: "Hey cow, what the hell are you doing?"
Cow: "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo\*cough* \*cough*.. Sorry about that."
Cow: "Anyways I'm climbing a coconut tree."
Coconut Tree (Slightly annoyed): "I can see that.. but why?"
Cow glares at the coconut tree with a puzzled look.
Cow: "Why I came to eat apples of course."
Coconut Tree: "But cow... I'm a coconut tree..."
Cow: "It's ok, I brought some from home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31upm7/a_cow_climbs_a_coconut_tree/
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Why are cars faster than motorcycles?

Because motorcycles are two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ujzw/why_are_cars_faster_than_motorcycles/
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How do you make Holy Water?

You boil the hell out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ujb9/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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Jokes i need your help

I'm on a road trip with a co-worker who hates corny, punny, cheesy and one liner type jokes. I love telling him those sorts of jokes trying to get him to laugh.
I had an idea. If you fine people hit me with some of your favorites, I'll spend the next two days telling him jokes and tell you which ones made him laugh. Please? It would make me laugh just trying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31uinl/jokes_i_need_your_help/
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The Wise Monk & the Student

* Student : O holy one, you called me?
* Monk : Yes, I need you to go behind that tree and masturbate.
* Student : (After a few minutes) Done. Anything else that you'd like me to do?
* Monk : Do it again.
* Student : (After a few minutes) It is done, O wise one. Anything else?
* Monk : Do it once more.
* Student : I'm sorry, but I don't think I have any stamina left in me. I can't do it anymore.
* Monk : Good, I need you to drop my wife and daughter off at the beach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ufni/the_wise_monk_the_student/
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I told my doctor i was scared and nervous when i got tested for HIV...

He said 'Just calm down and try to think positive.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31uetb/i_told_my_doctor_i_was_scared_and_nervous_when_i/
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Popular German "joke" in Belgium

Ask a german guy:
Q: Haben sie etwas verloren?  (Did you lose something?)
A: "confused" Nein.  (No)
Q: Jawohl, den krieg, zweimal! (Yes you did, the war. Twice!)
Proceed to buy him a drink :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31udom/popular_german_joke_in_belgium/
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[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!
The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31udkb/nsfw_a_mother_and_father_are_snooping_around_in/
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A mother walks in on his son playing video games after school.

A mother walks in on her son playing video games after school. Frustrated that he was playing games instead of doing his homework she says, "Do you know who Issac Newton is?". The son, without taking his eyes off the TV screen replies, "No, who is he?" and without missing a beat the mother smirks and says, "If you actually paid attention in school you would know!" "Oh, well, do you know who Angela Smith is?". The mother a little taken back replies, "No, I don't, who is she?". The boy smirks and without also missing a beat goes, "Well if you actually paid attention to dad you would know!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31u8j9/a_mother_walks_in_on_his_son_playing_video_games/
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Two guys and a snake ....

This is a true story.
Two good friends, Jerry and Ralph, were out walking in the desert one day when Jerry goes off behind a cactus to take a leak.  While he's draining his bladder a snake leaps up and bites him on the end of his dick.  Ralph on hearing Jerry's scream runs over and says, "What happened?"
Jerry, who's starting to feel some numbness creeping up along his member explains that a snake bit him on the end of his dick.
"What kind of snake?", Ralph inquires.
"I don't know, spotted ... with flecks of orange, red on it .... fuck, does it matter? Just call a doctor and hurry.  I feel like shit."
So Ralph moves off and pulls out his cell and calls his doctor explaining the situation.
The doctor asks, "Did you get a good look at the snake?"
Ralph repeats what Jerry said to which the doctor replied, "Oh my, that's a very poisonous snake.  You have to get the venom out as quickly as possible or your friend will die."
"How do I do that?" asked Ralph.
"You're going to have to suck it out with your mouth", the doctor instructed.
"Okay, okay.  Thanks Doc", Ralph responds as he quickly hangs up and runs over to his friend Jerry.
Jerry has deteriorated quite a bit by now and is starting to sweat and shake uncontrollably.  He sees Ralph running up and in a weakened, anxious voice asks "So?  What did the doctor say?"
Ralph looks at his friend and replies "He said you're gonna die."
(A variation on an oldie but goldie joke)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31u848/two_guys_and_a_snake/
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What's the difference between someone who doesn't use their turn signal and Hitler?

You know Hitler will turn Reich.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31u6gl/whats_the_difference_between_someone_who_doesnt/
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A scientific joke

Q: Why are Curium, Helium, and Barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't Curium or Helium them, you Barium!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31u5qe/a_scientific_joke/
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First day at the mental hospital

It was a doctor's first day at the mental hospital. One of the other doctors was showing him around and decided to bring him in to see three of the patients. They walked into the first room and there was a man pretending to swing a baseball bat. The new doctor asked him what he was doing.
"I'm babe Ruth. If I hit four home runs, I'm getting out of here"
The doctors write down notes and move on to the next room. There's a man pretending to swing a golf club. The new doctor asked him what he was doing.
"I'm Tiger Woods. If I win the masters today, I'm getting out of here"
The doctors take notes and move on to the third room. They walk in to find a man holding almonds and cashews, masturbating.
"What in the world are you doing?" The doctor asked.
"I'm fucking nuts. And I'm never getting out of here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31u5kd/first_day_at_the_mental_hospital/
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If farmer A sells apples and farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31u4w8/if_farmer_a_sells_apples_and_farmer_b_sells/
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Girls in Thailand are like a box of chocolates

Some of them have nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31u3tw/girls_in_thailand_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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My friend and I were finally able to laugh off how competitive we are with each other.

But I laughed harder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31u36c/my_friend_and_i_were_finally_able_to_laugh_off/
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I like how you're thinking

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31u1dq/i_like_how_youre_thinking/
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A guy who won free buffets for life committed suicide the other day

I guess he had a lot on his plate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31u10f/a_guy_who_won_free_buffets_for_life_committed/
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A man goes to the confess his latest sin...

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned" says the man.
"What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"So THIS is when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31u01s/a_man_goes_to_the_confess_his_latest_sin/
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I had an idea for a movie plot.

A retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken.
I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31txu6/i_had_an_idea_for_a_movie_plot/
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Blonde woman calls her boyfriend....

"Sweetie, I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle and can't figure it out, would you come and help me?" she says.
Boyfriend comes over, and asks "What is the puzzle of?"
"A rooster", she replies miserably, gesturing towards the table, "But I can't even figure out where to start."
Boyfriend looks at the table, takes his girlfriend by the hand and says "OK, let's sit down and have a cup of tea, and then we can start putting the cornflakes back in the box."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31tufz/blonde_woman_calls_her_boyfriend/
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This man was about to propose, until she revealed this detail...

Steve and Sara met while on a Royal Caribbean singles cruise and Steve fell head over heels for her. And when they discovered they both lived in New York City Steve was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Steve had taken Sara to the movies, restaurants, concerts, and museums. Steve became convinced that Sara was indeed the one and his true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Steve took Sara to a fine dinning experience to Del Frisco’s restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Steve said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I like a little serious thought before our relationship continues to the next stage. So before I get out a box from my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I am a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breath golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”
Sara took a deep breath and responded, “Steve, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as who you are and I love golf too; but, if we are being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last 4 years I’ve been a hooker.”
“Oh wow! I see.” Steve replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a minute. Deep in serious thought then he added, “you know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31totw/this_man_was_about_to_propose_until_she_revealed/
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An aviation enthusiast enters a bar.

He asks, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender laughs and says, "Sorry, we only have plain chips."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31tnza/an_aviation_enthusiast_enters_a_bar/
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This sub is the best.

It has salami, pepperoni, lettuce, black olives, green peppers, provolone cheese, and oil. 10/10

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31tmx5/this_sub_is_the_best/
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I asked a girl to text me when she got home

She must be homeless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31tm4u/i_asked_a_girl_to_text_me_when_she_got_home/
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Why did a scientist disconnect his doorbell?

because he wanted to win the No-bell prize!!
Sorry, I ll walk out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31tk20/why_did_a_scientist_disconnect_his_doorbell/
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What do you call a bear without teeth?

A gummi bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31thsu/what_do_you_call_a_bear_without_teeth/
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Dark comedy is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31thl0/dark_comedy_is_like_food/
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A brunette goes into a doctor's office

and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31tgle/a_brunette_goes_into_a_doctors_office/
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When you call shotgun,

but the police put you in the back-seat anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31tgbf/when_you_call_shotgun/
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

"Breathe, dummy!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31tda8/what_did_the_green_grape_say_to_the_purple_grape/
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Drunk a grocery store

Drunk guy standing in line at a grocery store looks at the woman in front of him then down at her items at the register.
He says "You must be single"
The woman kinda annoyed but amazed says " OK I'll bite, how did you know that?"
Drunk man looks at her and slurs " Cause you're ugly"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31tcyz/drunk_a_grocery_store/
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A group of children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
“Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want.
God is watching the apples.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31t9f9/a_group_of_children_were_lined_up_in_the/
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There once was this fly...

And this fly was flying above a river.
In the river, there was this fish. This fish is swimming along, and looks up, sees the fly. Thinks, damn, if that fly drops 6 inches, i could have myself a nice little meal.
And next to the river was this bear. The bear is scoping the scene, and notices the fly, and the fish. The bear says to himself, if that fly drops 6 inches, the fish will get the fly, and i can get the fish and have myself a nice little meal.
Out by a tree on the treeline, there was a hunter. He noticed the bear, noticing the fish, noticing the fly. He thinks to himself, if that fly drops 6 inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, and i can shoot the bear, make a nice little rug for my wife.
Not far from the hunter, was a mouse. This mouse is scoping the scene. He says to himself, if that fly drops 6 inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, and the hunter will shoot the bear and i can go up and steal that hunters cheese sammich.
And not far from the mouse, was a cat. Once again, checking it all out. Thinks to himself, if the fly drops 6 inches, the fish will get the fly. The bear will get the fish. The hunter will get the bear. The mouse will get the sandwich, and i can get the mouse.
After several moments of tense anticipation, the fly drops 6 inches. Boom. Fish gets the fly. Bear gets the fish. Hunter shoots the bear. Mouse runs up to get the sandwich. And the cat leaps for the mouse, misses, and lands in the river.
Moral of the story is, if the fly drops 6 inches, the pussy is going to get wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31t77e/there_once_was_this_fly/
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Its hard to say what my wife does for a living...

...because she sells seashells on the seashore

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31t6f5/its_hard_to_say_what_my_wife_does_for_a_living/
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I asked my young son, "What does a dog say?"

"Woof, woof!" he replied.
"What sounds does a cow make?" I asked.
"Mooooo, moooooooo!" he said, smiling proudly.
"Very good!  Now, what sound does a *pig* make?"
And he yelled, "FREEZE, GET ON THE GROUND MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31t55c/i_asked_my_young_son_what_does_a_dog_say/
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I got a hand job from a blind girl last night...

I got a hand job from a blind girl last night. She said "You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on." I replied "Nah, you're just pulling my leg."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31t50x/i_got_a_hand_job_from_a_blind_girl_last_night/
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The band's name is 1023 MB.

They haven't had any gigs yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31t2yg/the_bands_name_is_1023_mb/
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My wife keeps complaining about her nine to five job

I must admit, 4:51 is a strange time to start work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31t2ij/my_wife_keeps_complaining_about_her_nine_to_five/
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I put the SEXY in Dyslexic.

Deal with ti

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31sz53/i_put_the_sexy_in_dyslexic/
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Did you hear that there's a new "Divorced Barbie"?

Yeah - she comes with all of Ken's stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31suin/did_you_hear_that_theres_a_new_divorced_barbie/
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My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh...

...and if I put my ear against it I can smell the ocean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31su9e/my_girlfriend_got_a_tattoo_of_a_seashell_on_her/
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Goofy Russian joke

A bear chased two hunters up a tree and is climbing to get them. One hunter says - 'Don't worry, I'll shoot one of his balls off'. He fired but the bear keeps climbing. The hunter says 'Don't worry, I'll shoot his dick off now.' The second hunter screams - 'Shoot him in the head, he's not climbing here to fuck us'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31str8/goofy_russian_joke/
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Why do ducks have small feet? To stomp out small fires. Why do elephants have big feet?

To stomp out burning ducks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31stij/why_do_ducks_have_small_feet_to_stomp_out_small/
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What do you call the Israeli martial art?

Jewjipsu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ss5a/what_do_you_call_the_israeli_martial_art/
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I always wanted to be Batman when I was younger.

Not because of the money or the gadgets. I just hated my parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31sm4a/i_always_wanted_to_be_batman_when_i_was_younger/
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a friend just told me this

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31sin5/a_friend_just_told_me_this/
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I would like to tell you a remarkably sophisticated joke...........

What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing, because they were both stuck up cunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31sfyi/i_would_like_to_tell_you_a_remarkably/
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Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "fear not," he says and points at Jesus. "for he has resin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31sdq1/two_angels_run_out_of_weed/
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What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination?

HAND-EEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31saqb/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_kind_of/
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What do you call a bee that comes from US?

USB !!
sorry, I am going to shoot myself now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31sa74/what_do_you_call_a_bee_that_comes_from_us/
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What's red, and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31s9xk/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
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My ex-girlfriend and I weren't compatible..

I was an Aquarius and she was a bitch.
Anybody got any they wanna share?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31s8sj/my_exgirlfriend_and_i_werent_compatible/
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A truck driver named Bill is driving down a deserted Arizona highway...

...and he sees a beautiful woman hitchhiking. He thought it was strange that she wasn't standing near a car, but he picks her up anyway. As they are about to drive away he asks her "what are you doing in the middle of nowhere?" She pulls a gun out of her purse and says "I am taking your truck, that is what I'm doing. Get out!" He gets out and she says "take off all your clothes and toss them up to the cab." He complies. She tosses down two pairs of handcuffs and tells him to handcuff each wrist to each ankle. He complies. She takes off.  No vehicle passes by for what seems like an hour. Finally another truck approaches and stops right by him. The driver looks out of his window and says "Bill is that you?" Bill says "yeh, it's me, it's me." The other driver says "man, what happened to you?" Bill says "I picked up this girl hitchhiking. She had a gun. She took my clothes, she took my wallet, she took my truck. I've been out here for an hour!" The other truck driver gets out of his truck, starts to unzip his pants, and says, "Bill man, you're having a fucked up day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31s8pj/a_truck_driver_named_bill_is_driving_down_a/
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The Energizer Bunny was arrested this morning. Have you heard about this?

Yeah, police say he was charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31s3zn/the_energizer_bunny_was_arrested_this_morning/
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A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double-entendre...

so he gave it to her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31s0l2/a_woman_walked_into_a_bar_and_asked_the_bartender/
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexics Association

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31s095/what_does_dna_stand_for/
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A young boy went to spend the long weekend with his grandparents..

..and on a lazy Saturday afternoon the boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch listening to the baseball game on the radio.
Grandpa lights a cigar and the boy asks: "hey grandpa, that looks neat. Can I try some of your cigar?" Grandpa replies: "well, I don't know boy. Can you make your wee wee touch your butthole?" Little boy replies: "no, grampa I can't, I have a little wee wee." "Well then, you're still too young to have a cigar. Why don't you go grab me a beer from the fridge?"
The little boy goes in the house and fetches a beer for his grandfather.
Grandpa cracks the beer and takes a big gulp, letting out a refreshed "ahhhhh." Little boy says: "grampa that beer must taste really good, can I try a sip?" "Well boy, can your wee wee touch your butthole yet?" "Grampa I told you I have a little wee wee, it can't reach my butthole." "Well then you're too young to have beer boy."
Later into the afternoon, the ballgame is over and grandpa is on the porch alone. He crushes out his cigar and heads into the house to grab another beer. He sees his grandson parked on the couch in front of the television with a plate full of cookies and a big glass of milk.
"Well where'd you get those cookies junior?" "Gramma made em for me." "They look delicious, can I have one?" "Well, I don't know grampa...can your wee wee touch your butthole?" "Well it sure can!" responds gramps.
"Well go fuck yourself, old man. These are my cookies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ryzv/a_young_boy_went_to_spend_the_long_weekend_with/
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I like my women how I like my exams...

Curvy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31rw08/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_exams/
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I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control

I thought to myself "this changes everything"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ru4a/i_remember_the_first_time_i_saw_a_universal/
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A Conductor on a train...

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man.
So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?"
"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.
"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, he landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.
Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.
"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.
"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.
And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.
He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart.
They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest.
Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...
Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad.
This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.
However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...
Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc.
But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!"
The guy replied, "I just like bananas."
So, the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!"
"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31rrh3/a_conductor_on_a_train/
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Did you hear Miley Cyrus and her new boyfriend broke up?

It wasn't twerking out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31roz4/did_you_hear_miley_cyrus_and_her_new_boyfriend/
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Widdel Wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31romq/widdel_wabbits/
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IN CIDER

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31rmvr/in_cider/
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What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The Polar bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31rlhp/whats_the_stupidest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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TV is the best girlfriend

Because, no matter what happens, I can always turn it on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31rj9d/tv_is_the_best_girlfriend/
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I've been trying to hide my erectile dysfunction from my girlfriend...

But I just don't think I can keep it up for much longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31rfy0/ive_been_trying_to_hide_my_erectile_dysfunction/
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Does anyone want to buy a vacuum cleaner?

Mine is just collecting dust at the moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31rf6s/does_anyone_want_to_buy_a_vacuum_cleaner/
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The story of a heroic husband ....

Wife to her husband - How do I look? I just came back from the beauty salon....
Husband - Well. Was it closed?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31rdbt/the_story_of_a_heroic_husband/
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My friend just landed a boob job

the perks are great

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31rbe5/my_friend_just_landed_a_boob_job/
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Man goes to a wizard

A man goes to see a wizard and says:
"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ras3/man_goes_to_a_wizard/
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Ever tried anal sex?

Its fucking shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31r97i/ever_tried_anal_sex/
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What do you call iron man and silver surfer when they work together?

Alloys.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31r7vl/what_do_you_call_iron_man_and_silver_surfer_when/
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After a particularly brutal battle with his fellow Avengers, Thor decides to relax at a local watering hole....

He drinks and drinks, barrels of beer and mead. After some time, he hits it off with a cute local girl and takes her back to Avengers Tower to show her his little Mjolnir.
He wakes in the morning, satisfied, and looks at the girl sleeping next to him. The poor thing is battered, with a busted lip and bruises all over her face and body. He gently shakes her awake and asks, "Are you okay?"
"Oh my god," she says groggily. "Hon, you were great, but a little rough.'
"Well, I *am* Thor!" says the God of Thunder.
***"YOU'RE*** Thor!" exclaims the girl, "I'm tho Thor i can barely thpeak!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31r7m0/after_a_particularly_brutal_battle_with_his/
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Lions sleep 18 hrs a day..

If hard work is the secret to success , then donkeys would have been the kings of jungle!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31r7i5/lions_sleep_18_hrs_a_day/
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What do gay crows eat?

Cawk!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31r4v2/what_do_gay_crows_eat/
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What did the mexican student say when he was asked to turn in his essay?

I ain't no snitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31r3ph/what_did_the_mexican_student_say_when_he_was/
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Why did the condom leave so quickly?

Because it got pissed off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qy5x/why_did_the_condom_leave_so_quickly/
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I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qwxf/im_very_good_friends_with_25_letters_of_the/
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How do you find Will Smith in a snowy forest?

You look for his fresh prints.
(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qv3n/how_do_you_find_will_smith_in_a_snowy_forest/
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Three tourists, an American, an Indian and a Brit are caught by a cannibal tribe on a remote island.

They all plead the chief to let them free. The chief agrees on one condition. Each of the tourist is to bring ten numbers of any fruit they can find on the island. The tourists, thinking that just bringing the fruits will let them free, set off to bring the fruit which each of them likes the most.
The American returns first, with ten apples. The chief orders him to shove all the apples up his rear end without any word from his mouth. If he successfully does so, he is free to go. The American, worriedly starts shoving apples up his ass. He goes till the ninth apple, and begins to cry as he can't take it further. The chief orders his tribe to kill him.
The Indian returns with ten grapes. The chief explains the stipulation to him, and the Indian with a happy feeling starts showing up the grapes up his ass. As soon as he finishes the sixth grape, the chief orders his tribe to kill him.
Now the American is surprised to see the Indian in heaven. He asks him how he failed. The Indian says, "It was going well for me. But as soon as I finished shoving the sixth grape, I burst out laughing when I saw the Brit coming with ten watermelons."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qtpc/three_tourists_an_american_an_indian_and_a_brit/
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Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin'?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qswv/paddy_has_a_broken_leg_and_his_buddy_mick_comes/
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A king is worried about the inequality in his kingdom.

He worries that the rich citizens wear too much jewelry showing off their wealth and are making the poorer people feel inferior. To combat this, he passes a law saying that "No woman is allowed to go outside wearing jewelry." At first, the law seemed to work, but after a while, it was generally disregarded, and women continued to wear jewelry. He then asks his wisest advisor for help in editing the law. The advisor responds, "Your Majesty, simply change the law to 'No woman is allowed to go outside wearing jewelry unless she is a prostitute.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qph5/a_king_is_worried_about_the_inequality_in_his/
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An old Simpson's joke.

A man walks into a bar, and sits down on a barstool, placing a small brown bag on the counter next to him. He signals to the bartender and then proceeds to down 3 shots of scotch.
The bartender, being no fool asks, “Hey man what’s wrong?”
Without replying the man slowly reaches over and grabs the brown bag. Opening it, he pulls out a tiny piano. To the bartender’s surprise he reaches back in and pulls out a tiny man, who couldn’t be standing more than a foot tall, dressed in a full tuxedo. The tiny man walks up to the piano, pulls out the piano bench and carefully sits down. He then continues to play some of the most beautiful soothing music the bartender has ever heard.
“Where on earth did you get this little man?!”
“Oh I have a genie.”
The bartender can barely contain his excitement, “You do? Can I see it?”
“Of course, of course,” says the man pulling out an ornately decorated lamp.
The bartender takes the lamp and rubs it and out pops a genie.
“You have summoned me. What is your one wish sir?”
“I want a million bucks!” The bartender shouts.
Immediately the room begins to fill up with ducks. Feathers are flying everywhere, the other patrons begin screaming and running for the doors.
As the ducks continue to appear out of thin air, the bartender looks frantically at the man with the brown bag who has a sly smile on his face.
“WHAT HAPPENED!? I DIDN’T ASK FOR THESE DUCKS!!”
“Well do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qok4/an_old_simpsons_joke/
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A porkchop walks into a bar

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qne7/a_porkchop_walks_into_a_bar/
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George bush was attending a morning press conference...

Donald rumsfeld read the daily briefings aloud
"This morning, 3 Brazilian soilders were killed"
"OH MY GOD THATS TERRIBLE" Screamed the president
The room went silent, everyone was stunned by the presidents emotional outburst.
A moment passed when George asked in a quiet Texas tone "how many is three brazillion?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qmr5/george_bush_was_attending_a_morning_press/
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Why did Hitler suicide?

He got the gas bill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qlf5/why_did_hitler_suicide/
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The other hole.

My buddy asked me the other day if whenever my wife and I were getting freaky if I ever tried having sex with her other "hole".
I replied "Hell No!",.......... She might get pregnant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qhso/the_other_hole/
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One day I'll make a cure for blindness.

You'll see, you'll ALL see!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qep6/one_day_ill_make_a_cure_for_blindness/
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Sometimes I wake up moody...

The other times, i let her sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qdt2/sometimes_i_wake_up_moody/
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own?

It was two tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qd85/why_couldnt_the_bicycle_stand_on_its_own/
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A man dies in an accident

He never drank, nor smoked. He never had sex and never indulged in anything unhealthy.
The Life Insurance Company refused the claim on the note that 'How can someone have died if he had never lived in the first place?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31qci8/a_man_dies_in_an_accident/
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Stalin & the sneezer

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes. Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.
"Who sneezed?" he asks.
Deathly silence.
"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"
Not a peep.
"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"
A few seconds later, the entire first row of the audience is lying in bloody heaps on the ground.
"Now, who sneezed?" Still not a whimper. "Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!" The second row writhes and breathes its last.
"Now, comrades: who sneezed?" Absolute silence. "Third row! Stand up! Guards! Op...."
"Wait! Wait!" From the sixth row a man rises, shaking so hard with fear that he can barely stay on his legs. "Please! Comrade Stalin! It was me. I sneezed."
Stalin fixes his eye on the wretch. The entire audience watches, paralysed.
"You sneezed?"
"Yes, Comrade Stalin, yes. It was me."
"Bless you, comrade!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31q6oq/stalin_the_sneezer/
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Shot my first turkey yesterday...

Shot my first turkey yesterday.
Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31q697/shot_my_first_turkey_yesterday/
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My friend asked me why I still buy vinyl.

I told him 'Records are always a sound purchase.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31q61i/my_friend_asked_me_why_i_still_buy_vinyl/
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How to get lots of women to ask you out!

Go in the women's bathroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31q4wk/how_to_get_lots_of_women_to_ask_you_out/
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A scientist wanted to develop a bra...

A scientist wanted to develop a bra that stops women's boobs from bouncing while running & doesn't show nipples when wet.
Don't panic, we killed the son of a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31q4nd/a_scientist_wanted_to_develop_a_bra/
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There are marriages that end well...

...and others that last forever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31q4lv/there_are_marriages_that_end_well/
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What did the FLAC say?

I'm an audiophile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31q43m/what_did_the_flac_say/
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Why do tumblr users make for poor gunmen?

They are afraid of triggers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31putz/why_do_tumblr_users_make_for_poor_gunmen/
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A priest is on a mission among the African jungle when faced with a hell trigre.

The priest then kneel and ask God to give the tiger Christian sentiments. In the next second, the tiger sits down and says, "God, thank you and bless this meal that I just got."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31puav/a_priest_is_on_a_mission_among_the_african_jungle/
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My wife depleted the power on my phone when I needed it the most.

Yet I'm the one who is charged of battery...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ps0a/my_wife_depleted_the_power_on_my_phone_when_i/
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My sister didn't believe me when I said I could drive spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31pqw9/my_sister_didnt_believe_me_when_i_said_i_could/
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I've been trying to find my girlfriend's killer for the last month.

Nobody's agreeing to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31plxq/ive_been_trying_to_find_my_girlfriends_killer_for/
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You can't even?

That's odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31pla2/you_cant_even/
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What does a Necrophiliac get at funerals?

Mourning Wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31pj0l/what_does_a_necrophiliac_get_at_funerals/
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What did the Mexican sing to his cheating girlfriend?

♪ I know I'm not the only Juan ♪

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31pizj/what_did_the_mexican_sing_to_his_cheating/
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One of my terrorist friends decided to bomb our only good coffee machine in all of Yemen...

Pissed as hell, he said he hates french press

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31pin7/one_of_my_terrorist_friends_decided_to_bomb_our/
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My lesbian friends got me a Rolex for my birthday.

I don't think they understood when I said "I wanna watch."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31phoa/my_lesbian_friends_got_me_a_rolex_for_my_birthday/
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GIVE THIS MAID A BELLS...

A maid wanted a salary raise. Madam
wanted 3 reasons why she wanted a raise.
Maid: I can cook Better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me.
Madam: OK, second reason?
Maid: I can iron better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me.
Madam: OK, and the third reason?
Maid: I'm also better in bed than you. "This
time Madam was furious" Madam: Did my
husband say that?
Maid: No the garden boy told me I'm better
in bed than you are.
(Madam doubled her wages instantly)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31pffb/give_this_maid_a_bells/
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What makes an octopus laugh?

ten-tickles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31peni/what_makes_an_octopus_laugh/
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A guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap...

Doctor: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31pbu8/a_guy_walks_into_a_doctors_office_wearing_nothing/
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What did the Hungarian man say before he went to bed?

"I'm going to bed." Except he said it in Hungarian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31p81h/what_did_the_hungarian_man_say_before_he_went_to/
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A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31p77z/a_policeman_knocked_on_my_door_this_morning/
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How do you cite sources on reddit?

MLA'dy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31p45p/how_do_you_cite_sources_on_reddit/
%
Calculus Class

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close. His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me:
"I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever." He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with. Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along.
When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee. Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.
It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This little guy was decked out.
When Ving and his old man saw each other, they both started bawling, and embraced each other. Out of his tears, Ving said
"Dad, I love my name. I want to be Ving forever, and I'm going to name my kids Ving, and they're going to name their kids Ving, and-"
And the old man said "Dont, stop. Be Lee, Ving! Hold onto that fee, Ling."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31oykr/calculus_class/
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A group of highly skilled doctors meet at an international medical conference to boast of their greatest achievements

The Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, our medicine is so advanced that we are able to chop off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in only 6 weeks he is up and looking for work!"
The German doctor snorts and says: "That's nothing. In Germany, we can take out a bit of man's brain, put it in another man and in only 4 weeks he is up and looking for work!"
The Russian doctor boasts: "Gentlemen, we can take half a heart from a man, place it in another's chest and in only 2 weeks he is up and looking for work!"
The Australian doctor looks up from his laughing fit and says: "Wow, seems like you all have some catching up to do. We took a man with no heart, no brain and no balls and made him Prime Minister. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ow93/a_group_of_highly_skilled_doctors_meet_at_an/
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If you're Russian when you're going to the bathroom, and Finnish when you get out, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

European!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31out0/if_youre_russian_when_youre_going_to_the_bathroom/
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Anti Sleep Treatment

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31os1f/anti_sleep_treatment/
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Pair of Twins

I've been shagging a pair of twins recently, and my friend asked me "How do you tell the difference?".
I told him "It's easy! Julie has long blonde hair..."
"..and Derek has a moustache"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31orty/pair_of_twins/
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A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down.

They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"
The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31org3/a_fellow_stops_by_to_visit_his_friend_who_is/
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The Heretic

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31olya/the_heretic/
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My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.

The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31olnx/my_wife_and_i_got_married_under_a_cell_phone_tower/
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An Irish, a Scot and an English man are digging.....

in their back gardens. 12 feet down the English man finds copper wire. In the local paper he announces England had internet 200 years ago.
The Scots mon finds wire at 16 feet and announces Scotland had internet 300 years ago.
The Irish man digs 22 feet! but finds nothing and states in the paper. 400 years ago Ireland had wireless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31olep/an_irish_a_scot_and_an_english_man_are_digging/
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Baby mosquito with his father

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.
When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"
The baby mosquito replied, "It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ojjs/baby_mosquito_with_his_father/
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A blind man walks in to a bar...

...and a chair...and a table...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31oif2/a_blind_man_walks_in_to_a_bar/
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My ex-girlfriend always used to tell me I only think with my penis.

A small part of me thinks she might have been right..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ogqp/my_exgirlfriend_always_used_to_tell_me_i_only/
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Arthur and Friends

The members of King Arthur's Round Table were always tired because they were on the knight shift.
But they did like to party.  One day after a boisterous gathering, the purest knight of all kept asking everyone who was awake, "Did you see the gal I had?
When did King Arthurs men practice? Joust at night.
Kings are old when they reach the age of sovereignty -- then they
worry about their receding heir line.
For kings, uprisings were a peasant surprise.
Puns can be made on any subject, but not kings. Kings aren't subjects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31oec9/arthur_and_friends/
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My 6' tall female friend complains that she can't ever find pants long enough to fit.

Try Amazon.com

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31o6zc/my_6_tall_female_friend_complains_that_she_cant/
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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31o6c5/life_is_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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I was named Chief Speaker at the Society of Introverts.

Thank God no-one showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31o546/i_was_named_chief_speaker_at_the_society_of/
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The Giants new Quarterback

The coach of the  Giants got wind of a potential new young recruit who lived in Iraq.
The team owner and the Giants general manager catch a plane to war-torn Baghdad and track the young boy down. They risk life and limb dodging bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find him and convince him to come to the USA.
The boy does a full pre-season, plays in all the practices, makes the cut and earns the position of backup quarterback for the season's first game.
Ten minutes into the first quarter, the Giants quarterback goes down with a severe knee injury. The coach turns to the boy and says, "This is it son, show us what you can do."
The boy proceeds have the greatest NFL debut game in the history of backup quarterbacks.
The Giants team carry him off the field and give him three cheers back in the locker room. The coach tells the team what the boy from Iraq has been through and that he is a model lesson for all. The coach then pulls the boy aside and says "Go into my office son. Telephone your Mother and tell her what you did today."
He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says, "Guess what I did today?"
"I don't care what you did today!" his Mother replies. "I tell you what happened here today," she goes on. "Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, our house was torched, our car was blown up, your sister was raped and your brother was abducted."
"Gee," says the boy. "I feel a bit responsible for what happened."
The Mother replies "So you should be, if it wasn't for you we would never have moved to New Jersey!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31nv9m/the_giants_new_quarterback/
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Two African Doctors

Two African doctors are arguing in a hospital corridor.
The first doctor says “I am telling you it is whooom, w-h-o-o-o-m.”
The second doctor contradicts “And I am telling you, you are wrong it is definitely wooomh, w-o-o-o-m-h.”
A young nurse passing overhears, and being new on the job and keen to impress decides to intervene. “Excuse me doctors, but I can help. The word you are looking for is womb, w-o-m-b.
She walks on down the corridor feeling pleased with herself.
The first doctor turns to the second and says “Ignore her, she doesn’t know what she is talking about. I bet she has never even seen a hippopotamus, let alone heard one fart under water.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ntw4/two_african_doctors/
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First prize in the synagogue lottery

Rabbi announces 3rd prize in the synagogue lottery goes to Mr. Schwartz - an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii.  Applause all around for Mr. Schwartz.
Rabbi announces 2nd prize goes to Mr. Litvak - a chocolate cake.
Well, Litvak goes nuts - says WTF - for 3rd prize Schwartz goes to Hawaii and for 2nd I get a cake?
Rabbis says - You don't understand - this cake was baked with loving care by the rebbitzen [wife of the rabbi]
Litvak says: "Fuck the rebbitzen"
Rabbi says - No, that's first prize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ntqo/first_prize_in_the_synagogue_lottery/
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DROWNING LAWYER

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31nsge/drowning_lawyer/
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Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31nsef/why_god_never_got_a_phd/
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I'd tell you the joke about the paper

But it's tearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31nq8u/id_tell_you_the_joke_about_the_paper/
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Why these two fingers?

For my cake day, I present /r/jokes with a favorite of mine, told to me by my uncle during a cousin's wedding.  I make no claims as to its origin, nor to the relative awesomeness of my family:
Uncle:  "Hey, got a joke for ya.  *(holds out first and middle fingers)*  Why should a woman always masturbate with these two fingers?"
Me:  "I dunno, why?"
Uncle:  "Cuz they're mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31np4i/why_these_two_fingers/
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Vermont farmer and his wife

going to market.
Horse stumbles, farmer says "That's one".
Horse stops, stands stock-still, farmer says "That's two".
Horse stumbles again, farmer says "That's three", shoots the horse.
Wife bitches - horses are expensive.
Farmer says "That's one".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31nn77/vermont_farmer_and_his_wife/
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I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself,

Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31nlj1/i_just_watched_my_dog_chase_his_tail_for_ten/
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Crazy Ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31njnx/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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Two men went ice fishing

And walked out into the middle of the large sheet of ice and started drilling their hole.
From out of nowhere, a loud, booming voice proclaimed "There are no fish in there!"
The two guys stopped, looked at each other, picked up their equipment, moved to a different spot and started drilling again.
The voice returned, "There are no fish in there!"
The two guys started to get a little shaken but picked up everything, moved to yet another spot and started drilling.
Again, the voice proclaimed "**THERE ARE NO FISH IN THERE!**"
Really shaken, the two guys stop everything, look at each other and one asks, "Is....is...is it you god?"
"NO!", the voice replied, "The manager of the ice skating rink!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31njir/two_men_went_ice_fishing/
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What did the constipated mathematician do?

He sat down and worked it out with a pencil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31nhaz/what_did_the_constipated_mathematician_do/
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I am sure I chose the right song for Richard's funeral

Lonely Island - Dick in a Box

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ncyw/i_am_sure_i_chose_the_right_song_for_richards/
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Two trees are growing in a forest.

Deep in the forest are two trees growing together. A beech, and a birch.
One day, a small tree begins to grow between them. The birch says to the beech, "Do you think that's a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The beech says "I don't know if that's a son of a birch or a son of a beech."
Just then a woodpecker landed on the small sapling. The birch asked the woodpecker, "Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Is that tree you're on a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The woodpecker pecked the sapling a few times then looked up at the birch and the beech. "This sapling is neither a son of a birch or a son of a beech. It is, however, the best piece of ash I've stuck my pecker into before."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31nc7f/two_trees_are_growing_in_a_forest/
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A man wakes up in a hospital bed after an accident.

The doctor comes in and says that he has some good news and some bad news.
Start with the bad news. says the man.
Well, the bad news is that you have been in an accident and we had to amputate both your legs.
And the good news? asks the man.
The good news is that the guy in the bed next to you would like to buy your shoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31nbdz/a_man_wakes_up_in_a_hospital_bed_after_an_accident/
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A guy asks a doctor how long he will live

So the doctor, looking at his clipboard and taking notes, begins to ask him a series of questions.
Doc: Do you eat red meat?
Patient: No
Doc: Do you smoke cigarettes, cigars, or a pipe?
Patient: No
Doc: Do you use any illicit drugs?
Patient: No
Doc: Do you drink beer or hard liquor?
Patient: Nope
Doc: Do you have any hobbies or do any activities that are risky like bungee jumping or sky diving?
Patient: No, that stuff scares me.
Doc: Do you have multiple sexual partners?
Patient: Nope, currently single and not looking.
Doc: Do you drive a fast car like a Porsche or Corvette?
Patient: Nope, a Toyota Camry.
Doc: Okay
Patient: So doctor, how long will I live?
Doc: {Looking up from clipboard} Why does it fucking matter? Your life is boring!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31n4ld/a_guy_asks_a_doctor_how_long_he_will_live/
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Why do we use black pens on white paper?

So hangman is more realistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31myuz/why_do_we_use_black_pens_on_white_paper/
%
I use to know someone who was addicted to soap.

He's clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31mwk3/i_use_to_know_someone_who_was_addicted_to_soap/
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My life.

Best joke I know!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31mve7/my_life/
%
A Man to a lady sitting next to him in flight.

Man: "Which perfume do you use ? It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife."
Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31mu00/a_man_to_a_lady_sitting_next_to_him_in_flight/
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What type of fighting technique do amputees practice?

Partial arts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31mtxh/what_type_of_fighting_technique_do_amputees/
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Math puns are boring

Algebra puns are too linear, arithmetic puns are too basic, trigonometry puns are too graphic, calculus puns are all derivatives. Only the statistic puns are the occasional outlier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31mmfi/math_puns_are_boring/
%
A dentist goes to another dentist to fix a cavity.

When his dentist started to explain the procedure, he stopped him and said, "Don't worry, I know the drill."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31mlq5/a_dentist_goes_to_another_dentist_to_fix_a_cavity/
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Newlyweds

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The bride comes out of the bathroom, showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
He exclaims "My God you're so beautiful! Let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She reluctantly agrees and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that, the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh my, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks why.
She answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31mlgx/newlyweds/
%
Two guys join the FBI

And for their last test their supervisor hands them both a guns, he tells them that there is a person behind a door strapped to a chair and blind folded. He tells them to go in the room and kill him the person that does passes the test and becomes an FBI agent. Little do the two guys know that the gun they were handed has blanks in it (Not actually a bullet only makes the sound of one being fired). The first guy goes in he points the gun at the man in the chair but can't pull the trigger, he walks out, hands the supervisor the gun and leaves. Now the second guy goes in the room, for a brief moment the supervisor hears nothing, as soon as the gun goes off he hears someone scream and then the room becomes silent again. The second guy walks out of the room, the supervisor asked what happened and the guy replies, " the gun your gave me had nothing but blanks so I killed him with the chair."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31mj5i/two_guys_join_the_fbi/
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A Jamaican man's wife dies in Jerusalem

A Jamaican man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it could cost $500, 000 to ship her home to Jamaica or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, "ship her home" shocked, the undertaker asked, but sir why don't you bury her in holy land and save the money? To which the husband replied. A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead.......I can't take that chance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31mf9q/a_jamaican_mans_wife_dies_in_jerusalem/
%
Nobody claims to like cancer when they're first diagonosed

But after a while, it tends to grow on you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31m3d0/nobody_claims_to_like_cancer_when_theyre_first/
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Son asks his father...

Son: Dad, how do you feel about abortion?
Dad: Ask your brother.
Son: But I don't have a brother.
Dad: Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31m399/son_asks_his_father/
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Whenever I feel depressed in life.. I open my E-Mail spam inbox

I find:
* 10 banks are giving me easy loans.
* I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.
* 10 Job companies have best jobs for me.
* 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.
* Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall.
* 3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects.
* And Approx 40-50 mails from different girls who are feeling lonely and want to meet me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31m372/whenever_i_feel_depressed_in_life_i_open_my_email/
%
Waiter, waiter, what’s wrong with this fish?

Waiter: Long time, no sea Sir.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31m2h8/waiter_waiter_whats_wrong_with_this_fish/
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Doctor: You have two months to live. Patient: But doctor, I won't be able to pay your bill in that time!

Doctor: Ok, you have three months to live.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31m21i/doctor_you_have_two_months_to_live_patient_but/
%
Walking on Water

It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants
to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up
to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:
"Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"
So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake....and falls
knee deep in water.
Moses says, "Well....maybe you need a head start or something, why not
go to the end of the dock and try."
So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps off the end of the dock and
falls up to his waist.
Moses says, " Well why not rent the boat, go out to the center of the
lake and try there."
So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake, Jesus is about
to step off and try again when...
Moses says, "Wait. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state
of mind you were in the first time you did it."
So Jesus sets down, meditates for a few minutes, and finally he's all
psyched up, and steps out of the canoe.... ..and precedes to drown.
So Moses does the water parting thing, and pulls Jesus up into the boat.
Jesus is just beating himself up over this. He just doesn't see what's
going wrong here. Moses just stares down at the bottom of the boat.
Suddenly, Moses says, "I got it! I know what's wrong! Did you have those
holes in your feet last time?!?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31m1m7/walking_on_water/
%
Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?

Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31lyax/son_dad_do_you_remember_your_first_blowjob/
%
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner...

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now." "I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he? "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31lxmk/charlie_was_visiting_an_old_friend_and_his_wife/
%
I'd say I'm a down to earth guy...

but that's mostly because of gravity...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31lv3y/id_say_im_a_down_to_earth_guy/
%
Did you hear about the college for dolphins?

It was for educational porpoises only.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ltre/did_you_hear_about_the_college_for_dolphins/
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My laziness is like the number 8.

Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31lrlz/my_laziness_is_like_the_number_8/
%
The next Iphone

I'm sure the next Iphone will be a big 6s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ll10/the_next_iphone/
%
A crying man walks slowly along the frontier.

He finds a deep hole with a bucket beside it, and lowers the bucket in to pull out some water. While he's having a drink, a quivering voice comes from the hole.
"What's the matter friend?"
The man, surprised, wipes his eyes and replies, "My brother Harvey and I moved out here to find an unique piece of land to call our own, but all the land out here's so common. Anything unusual has already been claimed. Then on top of that, Harvey fell off a cliff this morning and died, and I think it was my fault."
"Hmm," the voice replied, "Harvey says it was just an accident and not to worry about it."
The man, amazed at the fact that the hole is communicating with his dead brother, feels his mood get better immediately.
"Why are you smiling?" the quivering voice asks.
The man thinks a minute then says, "I dunno. I came out here looking for a rare stake, but it turns out I'm pretty happy with one medium well."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31lil3/a_crying_man_walks_slowly_along_the_frontier/
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Two turtles collide in an intersection.

When the police come, they look around to see if there are any witnesses, they only see a snail on the sidewalk. The police approach the snail and ask him if he could tell them what he saw. To which the snail replied, "well, it happened so fast..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31li9m/two_turtles_collide_in_an_intersection/
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The IRS Audits A Gambling Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney.
"This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31lhr7/the_irs_audits_a_gambling_grandpa/
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I'm a fan of Star Wars.

So at lunch I saved my pork for last so I could have Ham Solo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31lhb0/im_a_fan_of_star_wars/
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A FEW GOOD LAWYERS

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31leoz/a_few_good_lawyers/
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Why is a Mexican midget called a paragraph?

Because he isn't a full ese.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31len2/why_is_a_mexican_midget_called_a_paragraph/
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Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?

He kept getting nailed into the boards

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31lehr/why_did_jesus_quit_playing_hockey/
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just Juan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31le91/how_many_mexicans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Three Guys Die and Go to Heaven

The first guy is Italian, the second is a Jew, and the third is a homosexual. They all go to meet God, and God tells them, "you've lived good lives; I'll let you live on Earth awhile longer if you abstain from your favorite things."
To the Italian, he says, "You aren't allowed to talk with your hands, or you come back to heaven."
To the Jew he says, "you aren't allowed to pick up lose change, or you'll come back to heaven."
To the homosexual, he says, "you know what you can't do."
So the guys head pack and are looking to celebrate. The Italian guy runs home to his family, begins to tell his story, POOF. He's back in heaven. The Jew runs home, and sees a quarter on the ground. "Wow, my luck really is good today!" He bends to pick up.
The gay guy goes back to heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31le0l/three_guys_die_and_go_to_heaven/
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A woman is in a coma

and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman’s vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says ’come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.’ so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says, ’ i think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma, it will arrouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.’ so the nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. the husband says, ’I don’t know, I think that she started choking.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ldwt/a_woman_is_in_a_coma/
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Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide and seek...

Einstein volunteers to be it so he closes his eyes and counts to 30. As he is counting, Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton draws a square (1x1 metre) and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around and sees Newton. He says, "Newton, you're it. I found you." But then Newton says, "No, you found one Newton over a square metre; therefore, you've found Pascal!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31lc13/einstein_pascal_and_newton_are_playing_hide_and/
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How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31lbki/how_many_atheists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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How do you get to Nazi Germany

It's on the third right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31lbcv/how_do_you_get_to_nazi_germany/
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Dude, the water from the sink is sooo hot...

I would tap that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31la2r/dude_the_water_from_the_sink_is_sooo_hot/
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Complained to my wife about our sex life diminishing.

Zero fucks were given.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31l8k4/complained_to_my_wife_about_our_sex_life/
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Why is it difficult to make fun of the Large Hadron Collider?

Because it's hard to discern.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31l862/why_is_it_difficult_to_make_fun_of_the_large/
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What do you call a group of rabbits backing up?

A Receding hairline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31l60l/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_rabbits_backing_up/
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If you press your ear...

If you press your ear against someone's knee and listen carefully, you can hear them say "What the fuck are you doing?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31l5tz/if_you_press_your_ear/
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Why aren't there any female butchers?

Because anytime they touch meat it turns to bone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31l3ke/why_arent_there_any_female_butchers/
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Last Wish

There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish. "Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Kruschev." (you know a president of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head).
"Nikita Kruschev? But he's been dead for a long time." "I don't care, I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!" The nurse didn't know what to do. Then she thought of something. As the man did not wear his glasses the nurse takes her beautiful tits out of her bra and offers the left one to the man.
He holds it and caresses it, very moved. He said, "Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend! How happy I am to see you again!" He was kissing her left tit so warmly that the nurse started liking the whole situation.
She asks the man, "What about kissing president Eisenhower's head?" "Yes! Is he here too?" "Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her right tit. "Oh my dear president, how happy I am to see you here," said the man, kissing again and again. The nurse liked all that very very much, and was starting to get wet, so she asked the man, "What about Fidel Castro?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31l3gv/last_wish/
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A truck driver walks into a bar...

He tells the bartender "give me a whiskey, straight up". The bartender pours him a whiskey, the truck driver takes it, sloshes it around in his mouth, and spits it out on the floor. He asks the bartender for another. The bartender obliges and pours him another whiskey. Once again, the truck driver sloshes it around in his mouth and spits it out on the floor. At this point the bartender gets upset. "Hey buddy! What's your problem?? Your making a mess all over my bar!" The truck driver replies, "Sorry, I just had a really bad day! As I was making a delivery, I drove into this tiny little alley, but at the same time, another truck driver drove into the same alley at the other end. I honked my horn and told the guy to back out since we couldn't both fit. "We fit!!" he yells back. "We DON'T FIT!!" I yell back. "WE FIT!!" he persists. So I tell him, "if you think we fit I'll give you a BJ right here, right now!!!" The bartender asks "ok, so what happened?" The truck driver replied:
"That little bastard sure can drive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31l2ln/a_truck_driver_walks_into_a_bar/
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Guru asks disciple - If there were two bags in front of you and I tell you one has money and the other has wisdom, which would you take?

Disciple: I would take the bag with the money.
Guru: (Sarcastic Laugh) I would take the bag with the wisdom.
Disciple: Each one takes what he doesn't have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31l15v/guru_asks_disciple_if_there_were_two_bags_in/
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Thank God lent is over....

not using condoms was definitely getting nerve-wracking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31l0lj/thank_god_lent_is_over/
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A Jewish man dies,

his wife calls the newspaper to publish a death notice. The person taking the call asks her what it should say and politely informs her that they charge by the word.
She tells him to put: "Saul died."
The newspaper person tells her that the paper has a strict five word minimum on death notices.
She thinks for a moment and tells him to put, "Saul died. Cadillac for sale."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31kscb/a_jewish_man_dies/
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two guys are at work and one says to the other

“i had the worst freudian slip the other day..i was at the train station and the woman behind the ticket counter had these massive tits and i meant to say ‘could i please have two tickets to pittsburgh,’ but ended up saying ‘could i please have two pickets to tittsburg’” and the other guy laughs and says “yeah i did something like that the other day – my wife and i were eating breakfast and i meant to say ‘honey could you please pass the butter,’ but what i ended up saying was ‘you ruined my life you fucking bitch’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31krt1/two_guys_are_at_work_and_one_says_to_the_other/
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The two statues

In a city park stood two beautiful statues,
one female and the other male, both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years. I am hereby authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed on you...
I grant you the gift of life ~ albeit as a limited offer. You have 30 minutes to do whatever your hearts desire."
And with that command, the two statues came to life. They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment, looked all around and then at their own bodies and finally back at each other. Still smiling they then ran to the nearby woods and dived behind a large bush.
The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.
Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
"Oh, Yes!", the female statue replied. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and 'I'll crap on it's head!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31kp6m/the_two_statues/
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As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.
In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.
The dentist was shocked that it had only lasted three months, so he constructed a new plate and had stainless steel used as the basis.
But again in about three months the patient was back, and the stainless steel plate was corroded and failing.
This time he had the plate made with titanium, but once more it only lasted a matter of months before deteriorating beyond repair.
Totally baffled, he sent the patient to a dental professor known to be an expert in the construction of dental plates to see if he could solve this puzzle.
The professor examined his mouth and quizzed the man about his dental hygiene and diet. "There must be something very acidic that you eat a lot of." The dentist said.
"To tell the truth," the man replied, "My wife makes the absolute best hollandaise sauce in the world. I put it on everything."
"Aha!" The professor exclaims. "Have your dentist make you a new plate out of chrome and you shouldn't have any more problems!"
"Chrome?" The patent asks. "Why chrome?"
"Because," the dentist replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31kou0/as_the_result_of_an_accident_a_man_lost_teeth_and/
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I just moved to Wisconsin, and my neighbour invited me over to meet his wife and his sister. When I got there...

...the three of us had dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31kie5/i_just_moved_to_wisconsin_and_my_neighbour/
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A guy's life gets really terrible...

So he prys to Jesus, and asks:
"How can I fix my life, Jesus?"
And Jesus revealed himself from the heavens, and said:
"Just turn it off and back on again. Worked for me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31kfod/a_guys_life_gets_really_terrible/
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Click here for spoilers

Microorganisms
Humidity
Light
Heat

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31kexa/click_here_for_spoilers/
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A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31kewg/a_doctor_says_i_have_bad_news_and_very_bad_news/
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Easter used to be called Wester

But they decided to take things in a new direction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31kcj1/easter_used_to_be_called_wester/
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Black paint

Political correctness has gone to far these days. You cant even say black paint any more, you have to say "Tyrone, please will you paint my house?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31kchl/black_paint/
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I carry an epipen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31kc67/i_carry_an_epipen/
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What do you call two gay Irishmen?

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31kbm3/what_do_you_call_two_gay_irishmen/
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A lion who's been removed from its family..

..has been stripped of it's pride.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31k74w/a_lion_whos_been_removed_from_its_family/
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I just find that blunt pencils are so...

... pointless
I'll find my own way out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31k6u8/i_just_find_that_blunt_pencils_are_so/
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I tried to make my password beefstew

But it wasn't stroganoff

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31k5bm/i_tried_to_make_my_password_beefstew/
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Three men walk into heaven after death and find there is only one rule.

There are ducks running around everywhere, and God tells them that the only rule is to not step on any ducks. You must watch your step wherever you go. The punishment of stepping in a duck is that you are forced to marry someone hideous.
The three men begin to like heaven. They are roaming around when the first man hears a loud, pained quack and discovers he had accidentally stepped on a duck. The next day, he finds that God was  serious about the rule, and was forced to marry an very unattractive woman.
The next day, the second man went off on his own. He was daydreaming, and accidentally stepped on a duck. He, too, was made to marry a very ugly woman.
When the two men were lamenting over their punishments, they found their friend with a beautiful supermodel wearing a wedding dress. They go up to God ask how he got to marry such a beautiful women.
"Because, she stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31jz3m/three_men_walk_into_heaven_after_death_and_find/
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I had a Muslim kid in my high school and he was notorious for being late

So we called him 9/12

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31jx1p/i_had_a_muslim_kid_in_my_high_school_and_he_was/
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How do you circumcise Kanye West?

Kick him in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31jvkd/how_do_you_circumcise_kanye_west/
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Resurrection day

Children at Sunday school were asked what resurrection meant. One boy replied,  "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts for more than 4 hours you should call a doctor." Happy Easter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31jtfc/resurrection_day/
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[NSFW] a little girl catches her parents having sex

A little girl walks into her parents bedroom and sees them having sex, when the little girl asks what they are doing the mother replies "oh we was just baking a cake dear" and the little girl thinks nothing of it. a few days later the mother and her little girl are walking through a zoo when they see two chimpanzees having sex, the mother quickly reminds her daughter that the chimps are baking a cake and again the naive little girl thinks nothing of it.
1 week later the little girl runs into the kitchen and says to her mother "mommy you and daddy baked a cake yesterday didnt you"?, the mother confused and unnerved simply replies "yes, how did you know"? the little girl smiles and simply says "because i licked the icing off the sofa"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31js68/nsfw_a_little_girl_catches_her_parents_having_sex/
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I saw a Russian woman shouting at her husband

It's clear who wears the tracksuit bottoms in that relationship

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31jriy/i_saw_a_russian_woman_shouting_at_her_husband/
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What do you call an Irish man that bounces off of walls?

Rick O'Shea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31jq1c/what_do_you_call_an_irish_man_that_bounces_off_of/
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Have you seen the new movie Constipated?

It hasn't come out yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31jpun/have_you_seen_the_new_movie_constipated/
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Confucius say...

Do not meet girl in park. Park meat in girl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31jnwh/confucius_say/
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What is the main difference between a drag show and a drag race?

The phrase "I blew a tranny" means something totally different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31jlt8/what_is_the_main_difference_between_a_drag_show/
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Why is business good on Easter?

Because prophets rise

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31jhju/why_is_business_good_on_easter/
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A plane just landed...

Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31jf8z/a_plane_just_landed/
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what did my sperm get for easter?

an egg hunt!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31je7m/what_did_my_sperm_get_for_easter/
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Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31jcuw/two_angels_run_out_of_weed/
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What's the opposite of Easter?

Wester

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31jaqj/whats_the_opposite_of_easter/
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A man takes a walk down the beach...

When he passes up a woman with no arms and no legs crying on the sand.
The man asked: Whats the matter?
She replies: In all of my life i have never been kissed by a man.
With a shrug the man walks over to her and gives her a kiss on the lips then says farewell and walks away.  But seconds after then hears her begin to cry again even harder.
So he asks: Well know whats wrong?
To which she replies: In all my life i have never been fucked by a man.
With a sigh the man bends down pull her up to his chest and while staring her in the eyes throws her in the ocean.
The man" WELL NOW YOURE FUCKED!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31j9m2/a_man_takes_a_walk_down_the_beach/
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"Doctor, tell me, if I quit drinking will, will I live longer?"

"It will definitely feel longer. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31j8p4/doctor_tell_me_if_i_quit_drinking_will_will_i/
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Heard this one from the priest this morning

A man was driving his car down the road, when all of a sudden the Easter Bunny popped out. The man tried to swerve in order to avoid the Easter Bunny, but it was to no avail.  His basket flew into the air and scattered the eggs all over the side of the road.
The man pulled his car over, visibly upset and started crying.  A woman saw this and pulled over.  She asked what was wrong.
The man said, "I think I accidentally killed the Easter Bunny with my car."
The woman thought for a second, went back to her car and returned with a spray can.  She proceeded to empty its contents on the rabbit.
A few moments later the Easter Bunny sprang up, gathered his eggs, waved to the man and woman and hopped down the road.  A little ways down he turned around again and waved back and the two.  He continued to hop, turn, and wave all the way down the road.
The man asked the woman, " What was in that spray can?"
The woman read off the can, "Hair Spray: restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31j41t/heard_this_one_from_the_priest_this_morning/
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What does a fish say when it swims into a wall?

....Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31j3la/what_does_a_fish_say_when_it_swims_into_a_wall/
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31j1fc/what_did_the_pirate_say_on_his_80th_birthday/
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A newlywed couple moves into their new house...

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31izsq/a_newlywed_couple_moves_into_their_new_house/
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What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31iysi/whats_better_than_roses_on_your_piano/
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Me: I've been constipated for 2 months.

Friend:  No shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ix8w/me_ive_been_constipated_for_2_months/
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The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31iwgp/the_nfl_has_hired_their_first_female_referee/
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Why does the Easter Bunny hide the eggs?

Because he doesn't want anybody to know that he's been fucking chickens!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31itug/why_does_the_easter_bunny_hide_the_eggs/
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So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31irky/so_god_a_jew_and_a_zombie_walk_into_a_bar/
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Did you hear that Jesus was a bit of a drunk?

One time He got so hammered that He fell asleep in a cave for three days before He woke up.
(heard in church today) :-) Happy Easter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31irhp/did_you_hear_that_jesus_was_a_bit_of_a_drunk/
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When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend

But it was just my imaginasian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31iolh/when_i_was_a_kid_i_thought_i_had_a_chinese_friend/
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My son asked me to explain what coloring eggs had to do with the story of Easter...

"You see, son, we color Easter eggs to remind us that Jesus dyed for our sins."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ioa0/my_son_asked_me_to_explain_what_coloring_eggs_had/
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Neighborhood kids came over for an Easter egg hunt.

Apparently hiding the eggs in the clothes I was wearing is somehow against the law?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31in5j/neighborhood_kids_came_over_for_an_easter_egg_hunt/
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A man had some trouble lasting during sex

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31in01/a_man_had_some_trouble_lasting_during_sex/
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So, I decided to give Reddit a try...

It has its ups and downs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31iky0/so_i_decided_to_give_reddit_a_try/
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Why do gay men get so much hate?

Because sometimes, they're fucking assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ik21/why_do_gay_men_get_so_much_hate/
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One Evening A Man Was At Home Watching TV And eating peanuts...

One Evening A Man Was At Home Watching TV And eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question
and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying, they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door,  their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart?
What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ijyc/one_evening_a_man_was_at_home_watching_tv_and/
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What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?

Nine Inch Nails

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31iij7/what_musical_group_is_jesus_most_afraid_of/
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Drunken Irishman

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31iifj/drunken_irishman/
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Another plane was going down..

...On board were Henry Kissinger, a priest and a hippie.  The pilot comes back to the passenger area and says "This plane is going down , there are three parachutes, and I'm taking one!" and jumps out of the door.
Henry Kissinger says "I am ze smartest man in ze world und I need to live," grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The priest says to the hippie, "My son, I have lived a long life and am one with God, please take the last parachute that you may live."
The hippie turns back to the priest and says "Don't sweat it, pops, the smartest man in the world just jumped out of an airplane with my backpack."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31iick/another_plane_was_going_down/
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I met a girl called simile.

I don't know what I metaphor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ihtg/i_met_a_girl_called_simile/
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I love playing chess with bald men in the park,

but it's hard to find 32 of them.
-Emo Phillips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ih9c/i_love_playing_chess_with_bald_men_in_the_park/
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Three Bulls...

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ih12/three_bulls/
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"Daaaaaaaaaaaad, what should I do with this industrial roll of bubble wrap?"

"Just pop it in the corner please"
It took me 2 hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31igbn/daaaaaaaaaaaad_what_should_i_do_with_this/
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As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed...

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.
"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.
"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ifp9/as_i_lay_in_my_new_girlfriends_bed/
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The trampoline used to be called

a jumpoline until your mum jumped on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ifcw/the_trampoline_used_to_be_called/
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What's the cheapest type of meat?

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31iev0/whats_the_cheapest_type_of_meat/
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What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years your job will still suck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31icgx/whats_the_difference_between_your_wife_and_your/
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31i97c/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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Monkey Business

Cop shows up to a bad car wreck.
Car flipped over, family of four dead.
Cop sees a monkey hopping around trying to get his attention.
He asks the monkey, "Were you in this wreck with the family?"
Monkey shakes his head yes.
Cop asks, "What were the two kids doing at the time?"
Monkey pretends he's fighting with someone.
Cop says, "Ah, kids were fighting. And what was the mother doing?"
Monkey looks over his shoulder pretending to be yelling.
Cop goes, "Ah, yelling at the kids. And what was the father doing?"
Monkey pretends he's drinking.
Cop goes, "I see, he was drinking, hmm."
The cop gets up and is about to walk away, then turns to the monkey and says, "By the way, while all this was going on, what were you doing?"
Monkey pretends he's driving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31i7tt/monkey_business/
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So I tried coprophilia for the first time today.

It's fucking shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31hzmi/so_i_tried_coprophilia_for_the_first_time_today/
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What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def leppard

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31hxet/what_has_9_arms_and_sucks/
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Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two whores...

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two whores and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31hrou/two_dwarfs_go_into_a_bar_where_they_pick_up_two/
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I like my women like, I like my coffee

Illegally imported from an exotic location, and purchased amorally like a commodity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31hrca/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_coffee/
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What's the difference between a Scottish guy and Mick Jagger?

One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"
The other says "Hey McCloud,  get off of my ewe!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31hlmm/whats_the_difference_between_a_scottish_guy_and/
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Why did the poor man become a baker?

He really kneaded the dough alot

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31hkgd/why_did_the_poor_man_become_a_baker/
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The seven wise men poem (nsfw)

7 wise men with knowledge so fine,
They created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, smart with wit,
by using a knife he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor tall and thin,
with a piece of red velvet he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee,
touched it, blessed it and said it could pee.
Seventh was a sailor that dirty little runt,
sucked it, fucked it and called it a cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31hgxp/the_seven_wise_men_poem_nsfw/
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What do you call a molecule with the structure bunny-O-bunny?

An Ether Bunny!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31heqx/what_do_you_call_a_molecule_with_the_structure/
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What did the farting pharaoh say to the farting slave?

We only have a Toot in common.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31hd3s/what_did_the_farting_pharaoh_say_to_the_farting/
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This guy is broke, but goes to a whorehouse.

So this guy is super broke. He only has $4. He decides to go to a whorehouse to see what he can do.
He tells the madame that he only has $4 and asks what she has. She says, "Well, for four dollars I don't have much... I have these old VHS tapes of my girls and an empty room over there, you can go pleasure yourself to that. Down the hall, fifth door on the left."
The next night he comes back and says, "I only have $3 tonight! But I'm so desperate for sex!"
The Madame says, "Well, okay... I have these magazines... Just... here, go to the bathroom, third door on the left, there's lotion in there."
So he does.
He comes back the next night and says, "Look I'm really sorry, maybe you could help me out again... I only have $2. Please, I'm horny and desperate!"
The Madame sighs and says, "Okay... look... I wasn't going to... just don't tell anyone about this okay? I really feel bad for you, and this is all I have but if you keep it between us... Fourth door on the right down the hall... there's a goat in there...."
So the man thanks her, gives her his $2 and goes to the goat.
The next night he comes back to the whorehouse and finds the madame.
"One dollar, this time?" She asks.
He nods and begs her, "Please, can you help me!?"
She sighs and says, "Okay... Third door on the right down the hall... Just go in, take off your pants, have a seat, and wait."
So the man does as he's told. The room is full of men, maybe 50 or so other guys. He takes off his pants, and sits down in an empty chair. After about 15 minutes of waiting he leans over to the guy next to him and says, "What's going on in here?"
The guy replies, "Oh we're waiting on the show!"
"Well... what's the show?" The john asks.
"Different every night," the guy answers, "Last night it was some dude fucking a goat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31hcxy/this_guy_is_broke_but_goes_to_a_whorehouse/
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Church fun.

A elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a newly wed couple go to their local church to apply to be a members of their congregation  .
"all of you would make fine additions to the church" the priest says.."All we ask is that you refrain from from having sex for two weeks. Please come back in two weeks and let us know how it goes"
TWO WEEKS LATER
The priest address the couples.
He looks towards the elderly couple "it has been two weeks....how did you do"
The elderly husband replies " its been years since we had sex so what was two more weeks"
Th priest replies " so no sex?"
"no sex" replies the elderly man
"congratulations you are a member of the church" replies the priest who then addresses the middle age couple "and how did you do?"
The wife replies " the first week was fine, but by the 2nd week things we getting tough so I had my husband sleep on the couch."
Th priest replies " so no sex?"
"no sex" replies the woman
"congratulations you are a member of the church"
the priest  then addresses the newly weds " and how did you do?"
The husband looks at the priest..." Everything was going great, then I saw her reaching up to the top shelf for a can of corn and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up I just took her right then and there."
The priest looks at the couple and says " I'm sorry but you are not allowed in the church any more".
The husband replies " I kinda figured......we aren't allowed in the grocery store anymore either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31h9ow/church_fun/
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A joke i heard a while back

An Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman are walking down a road to the pub, as they usually do. When they decide to take a detour and past the fly cave everyone talks about. As they get outside the cave they see a man, that ushers them over. So they go over and he propositions them. Saying "If any of you lads can go in that cave for longer than 1 hour i'll reward ya's 1 million pounds for each of ya that can do it".
All intrigued and excited for the million pounds they decide they'll do it. The Englishman goes in and after 5 minutes and comes back out and says "My god lad, the conditions in that cave are terrible! Not even for 5 million" Then he goes on his way to the pub.
The Irishman undeterred decides he will take a shot at it. He goes in for about 10 minutes and comes out saying " Fuck me laddy, those flies are disgusting" and makes his way to the pub.
Then finally the Welshman smirks and goes in. After an incredible 1 and half hours comes out. The man astonished at the Welshman's will says "How did ya do it?". The Welshman replies calmly with "I just shat in all 4 corners and sat in the middle". Takes the money and proceeds to go to the pub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31h618/a_joke_i_heard_a_while_back/
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Why don't cannibals eat the feet?

Because they are lactoes intolerant. Told to me by my 12 year old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gxxc/why_dont_cannibals_eat_the_feet/
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Creationism v Feminism

In the beginning god made everything and said it was good.
Then he asked Adam, "Is there anything else you could possibly want?"
Adam replied, "I want a companion. Someone that will always be there for me. Someone that will love me, console me when I'm sad, celebrate with me when I'm happy, and stimulate me when I'm bored. I want a true soul mate."
God says "Ok... But that will cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam sighs and says "Alright then... What can I get for a rib?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gxna/creationism_v_feminism/
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3 Women sitting in a café.

Three women, a german, a french and a turkish one are sitting in a café, talking about how they educate their men. So the german one starts: "I say to my Hans, Hans Im no longer doing the dishes. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, look, he is doing the dishes." The french one replies: " I say to my Jeanne-Claude, I dont cook anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, voila, he is cooking!" At last the turkish one says : " I say to my Ahmed, I dont wash your clothing anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day I dont see anything, the third day I can see a little with my left eye."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gxia/3_women_sitting_in_a_café/
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What kind of parasites do gangstas get?

Thug Lice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gvo0/what_kind_of_parasites_do_gangstas_get/
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It's Easter Sunday morning...

... and chubby Chuck has been chomping on Easter eggs all night. He decides that he simply can't eat one more Easter egg. So he plays a prank. He goes into the chicken coop and replaces every single egg the hens have laid with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later, the rooster walks in, sees all the colored eggs, then storms outside and kills the peacock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gv7z/its_easter_sunday_morning/
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My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon.

The sooner she's old enough to buy her own heroin, the better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gsii/my_little_girl_loves_helping_me_when_im_doing_the/
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Having not had sex for over three years, I decided to visit a prostitute.

"How much to let me cum in your mouth?" I asked, nervously.
"That depends." She replied. "How much have you got?"
"About a Gallon and a half, probably."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gres/having_not_had_sex_for_over_three_years_i_decided/
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A Haiku on the Rules of Writing a Haiku

Syllable structure:
First five, then seven, then 5.
Just like this one isn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gqbz/a_haiku_on_the_rules_of_writing_a_haiku/
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Where do they make Adderall?

Concentration Camps

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gpxg/where_do_they_make_adderall/
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I found a bag of kittens..

So I was on my way home the other night when I noticed a suitcase at the side of the road, I decided to run over and see what was going on and found it was full of kittens, so I gave the local cat home a call and told them about what I had just found, the lady asked if the kittens were moving, I said yes they are all moving, she said well that will explain the suitcase then.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gpwm/i_found_a_bag_of_kittens/
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The sperm count.

There was an elderly man whose efforts to get his young wife pregnant had failed. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day with an empty specimen cup.
The doctor asked, "What was the problem?"
The elderly man replied, "Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand..nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
On hearing this the doctor said, "Wait a minute! You mean your wife's friend tried too?"
The elderly man responded, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off that damn cup!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gl4t/the_sperm_count/
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What were Jesus's last words to his disciples as he was nailed to the cross?

Nobody touch my fucking Easter eggs, I'll be back on Sunday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gjb4/what_were_jesuss_last_words_to_his_disciples_as/
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Circle Flies

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.
The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.
The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."
The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."
The farmer says, "Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses."
The policeman says, "Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing."
The policeman says, "Well, that's a good thing, then."
The farmer adds, "But ... it's hard to fool those circle flies."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gi3e/circle_flies/
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I turned into a cat earlier

Don't ask meow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gem0/i_turned_into_a_cat_earlier/
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My drug dealer sold me some shoes the other day...

...I dont know what he laced them with but Ive been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31gbxi/my_drug_dealer_sold_me_some_shoes_the_other_day/
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Truth Assessing Robot

A father gave his son a robot. "The robot is always able to tell if you're speaking the truth. If you lie, the robot will slap you."
One night the son comes home really late. The dad asks, "Where were you?"
"At the library." Bam! The son gets slapped.
"Where were you really?"
"At the movies."
"What movie were you watching?"
"Ten commandments." Bam! He gets slapped again.
"What movie were you really watching?"
The son gets on his knees. "I'm sorry dad, I was watching an adult movie."
The dad gets angry. "When I was a kid, I never did that kind of stuff!" Bam! The dad gets slapped.
The mom walks in. "You two are so a like there's no doubt you're father and son." Bam! She gets slapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ga8o/truth_assessing_robot/
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ga6j/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
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A plane was going down....

A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers "I'm sorry everyone we are going to crash in a few minutes" The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled "Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!" a man a few rows back got out of his seat and said "I will!" she smiled and ran up to him. He then took his shirt off and said "Here, iron this"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31g4g3/a_plane_was_going_down/
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I've been offered a job as a medieval escort.

Unfortunately, it means I will have to work fucking knights.
[Source](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/31epih/what_have_you_been_most_tempted_to_do_but_never/cq0v158?context=1)  (It needed a wider audience than buried in an AskReddit thread.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31g43q/ive_been_offered_a_job_as_a_medieval_escort/
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What do Iron man and Sarah Palin have in common?

They both had a little Downey inside of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31g1ok/what_do_iron_man_and_sarah_palin_have_in_common/
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I wanted to tell a really grizzly joke on this subreddit....

Then I thought you guys won't be able to bear it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31g1kb/i_wanted_to_tell_a_really_grizzly_joke_on_this/
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What's one good thing about Switzerland?

Well I guess the flag's a big plus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31g1jv/whats_one_good_thing_about_switzerland/
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How do you make a Welshman fall asleep?

Ask him how much sex he's had in his lifetime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31g0rw/how_do_you_make_a_welshman_fall_asleep/
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i started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.

since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31fzoc/i_started_carrying_a_knife_on_me_after_an/
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A priest, an Imam, and a Rabbi walk into a bar...

The bartender looks up and says: "What is this, some kinda joke?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31fy2m/a_priest_an_imam_and_a_rabbi_walk_into_a_bar/
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What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31fwtz/what_has_two_legs_and_bleeds_a_lot/
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I called the rape support hotline last night.

Apparently it is only for victims.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31fw93/i_called_the_rape_support_hotline_last_night/
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A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.

The joke wasn’t there because it was busy parking the car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31fv6n/a_pun_a_play_on_words_and_a_limerick_walk_into_a/
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So a guy walks into a library...

...and asks if the librarian if they have any books about suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31fpgj/so_a_guy_walks_into_a_library/
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A non-offensive religious joke for Holy Week:

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even an error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!”
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
“The word was—CELEBRATE!”
[Source, but it is an old joke](http://ijboudreaux.com/2014/12/08/missing-letter-r/)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31fo10/a_nonoffensive_religious_joke_for_holy_week/
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How do you catch a bear?

You first dig a hole. Then fill it up with ash from your fireplace. Since bears love peas grab a frozen bag from the store and surround the hole with frozen peas then wait. When the bear comes around and bends down to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31fgo4/how_do_you_catch_a_bear/
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Russia's Three Steps to Homework

Step 1. Putin it off
Step 2. Stalin
Step 3. Russian to finish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31f8wj/russias_three_steps_to_homework/
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After my prostate exam...

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.
At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31f7tn/after_my_prostate_exam/
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What's worse than biting an apple and finding a worm?

biting an apple and finding half a worm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31f74e/whats_worse_than_biting_an_apple_and_finding_a/
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How do we know that Jesus was made of bread?

Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31f63l/how_do_we_know_that_jesus_was_made_of_bread/
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A pirate walks into a bar..

So, this pirate walks into a bar to have a drink.
The barkeeper looks at him and says: "Sir, do you know that you have a steering wheel on your crotch?"
>Says the pirate: "Ayy, it's driving me nuts!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31f31l/a_pirate_walks_into_a_bar/
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One of my dad's favorites about flying

"You know there are more planes at the bottom of the ocean than submarines in the sky. They have never left one up there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31f2jr/one_of_my_dads_favorites_about_flying/
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What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31f0vg/whats_black_and_screams/
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What did the egg say when asked what a whisk does?

Beats me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ew33/what_did_the_egg_say_when_asked_what_a_whisk_does/
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What did John Lennon say when he got egg shells in his cake?

Yolko Oh-no

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31eqat/what_did_john_lennon_say_when_he_got_egg_shells/
%
Ice cream van man found dead on the floor of his ice cream van, covered in sprinkles and raspberry sauce

Police are not treating the death as suspicious.
They believe he topped himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31elvv/ice_cream_van_man_found_dead_on_the_floor_of_his/
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A woman went into a bar in Texas...

A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!"
The woman wanted to find out
for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya Ma'am. I'm real flattered. Aitn't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ejo3/a_woman_went_into_a_bar_in_texas/
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A giraffe walks into a bar...

A giraffe walks into a bar, orders 6 vodkas and shame on you for expecting a punch line.
This giraffe needs help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31efx7/a_giraffe_walks_into_a_bar/
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How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

By walking,  J. K.  Rowling!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ec9o/how_does_harry_potter_get_down_a_hill/
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A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.  "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31e992/a_fellow_decides_to_take_off_early_from_work_and/
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I met a girl in the park today who proved that fat girls really do try harder...

She put up a valiant effort, but that amount of chloroform would have put a rhino down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31e67d/i_met_a_girl_in_the_park_today_who_proved_that/
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What do you get from a frozen zombie?

Frost bite. ;D

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31e5p6/what_do_you_get_from_a_frozen_zombie/
%
Two guys were picked up by the cops...

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking weed and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 15 people to give up drugs forever."
"15 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 159 people to give up drugs forever."
"159 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31e53p/two_guys_were_picked_up_by_the_cops/
%
Gf - baby im wet...

Gf - baby im wet.
Me - want a paper towel?
Gf - no, i want more than that ;)
Me - want 2 paper towels?
Gf - no, baby i want something big and round ;)
Me - damn you want the whole roll?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31e48y/gf_baby_im_wet/
%
My mom told me this joke the first time she met my gf.

What are three 2 letter words meaning small?
Is it in?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31e3x7/my_mom_told_me_this_joke_the_first_time_she_met/
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What does a woman have in common with a KFC meal?

Once your are done with the juicy breasts and tender thighs, all that's left is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31e1ar/what_does_a_woman_have_in_common_with_a_kfc_meal/
%
I was approached by a lady today...

I was approached by a lady today. She offered me sex if I advertise a product on reddit. Naturally, I declined because my morals are very strong. Miracle Spray strong. From the kitchen to the bathroom and everywhere in between, Miracle Spray disinfectant is formulated to tackle your toughest situations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31dy2o/i_was_approached_by_a_lady_today/
%
Franks sees Bob down by the water fishing one afternoon...

Frank: "Hey Bob, what are you doing down here?"
Bob: "Just fishing, you know how much I like to fish."
Frank: "Didn't you get married today?"
Bob: "Sure did, she's a keeper, couldn't be happier."
Frank: "Well, uh... not to get too personal, but shouldn't you be with your wife, uh, consummating the marriage?"
Bob: "Not to be too graphic, but she has gonorrhea, so I figured I'd get some casts in, you know how much I like to fish."
Frank: "Actually, a girl of mine had the Clap once too - so we made do with anal."
Bob: "Well, she has diarrhea, so I figured I'd head down to the creek, you know how much I like to fish."
Frank: "Uh, this is your wedding day, did you at least get a blowjob?"
Bob: "Well, she has pyorrhea, so I figured I would see how they're biting today, you know how much I like to fish."
Frank: "Dude, not to be overly blunt, but why the hell did you marry a this girl?"
Bob: "Well, she has tapeworms, and you know how much I like to fish..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31dxtf/franks_sees_bob_down_by_the_water_fishing_one/
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Master List for Easter Dad Jokes

Where does the Easter Bunny get his eggs? From Eggplants
Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!
What day does an Easter egg hate the most? Fry-days.
What kind of bunny can’t hop? A chocolate one!
Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken.
Where does the easter bunny eat breakfast?  at IHOP
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/easterjokes/easteronelinersjokes.html

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31du75/master_list_for_easter_dad_jokes/
%
Two Peanuts were Walking though the Park

and one was a salted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31dttq/two_peanuts_were_walking_though_the_park/
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What do you call a haughty criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31dtkm/what_do_you_call_a_haughty_criminal_walking_down/
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Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? [NSFW]

He doesn't want anyone to know he's been fucking the chickens!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31dskj/why_does_the_easter_bunny_hide_easter_eggs_nsfw/
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What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes -WHAM!- "FUCK!"
A bad skydiver goes "FUCK!" -WHAM!-

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31dqv7/whats_the_difference_between_a_bad_golfer_and_a/
%
What do you call an all black sorority?

A minority

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31doob/what_do_you_call_an_all_black_sorority/
%
Why is it bad to be an egg?

* You only get laid and eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard and only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your home with 11 other guys.
* The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31djo7/why_is_it_bad_to_be_an_egg/
%
An octopus is in a bar and says he's a great musician.

An Englishman points to the piano and says, "Let's see."
The octopus plays Mozart flawlessly.
An American hands him a guitar and says, "try this."
The octopus plays Hendrix perfectly.
An Irishman hands him bagpipes and says, "how about these, lad?"
The octopus fumbles around with the bagpipes for a few minutes. No music comes out. A few minutes more, no music. The octopus gets frustrated.
"Ahh, see lad. The bagpipes are a we bit difficult to play" says the Irishman.
"Play?" Says the octopus. "As soon as I get her pajams off I'm going to fuck her brains out."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31djms/an_octopus_is_in_a_bar_and_says_hes_a_great/
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What do you call a Rhinoceros mixed with a Rooster?

A horny cock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31dig7/what_do_you_call_a_rhinoceros_mixed_with_a_rooster/
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BREAKING NEWS: A small, four-seater Cessna has crashed into the Smithville cemetery...

Emergency crews have recovered 236 bodies so far, with more expected as rescue efforts continue into tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31dhnn/breaking_news_a_small_fourseater_cessna_has/
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What did Anakin order from the Italian bakery?

Only one cannoli.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31de1p/what_did_anakin_order_from_the_italian_bakery/
%
Which dinosaur named all the others?

The Thesaurus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31d6ib/which_dinosaur_named_all_the_others/
%
Q: How do astronomers organize a party?

A: They planet
Insert death threats below

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31d5w4/q_how_do_astronomers_organize_a_party/
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My wife texted me at lunch

"Window's frozen"
"Pour warm water on it, then lightly tap the edges with a hammer and chisel" I replied.
Ten minutes later, she called back.
"We need a new computer now".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31d0ud/my_wife_texted_me_at_lunch/
%
Last year I got so hammered on Good Friday

I woke up in a cave three days later

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31cuza/last_year_i_got_so_hammered_on_good_friday/
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What is the difference between a cult and a religion?

Popularity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31cp4t/what_is_the_difference_between_a_cult_and_a/
%
"Hey, Dad? Why don't you ever tell me you love me?"

the dad looks at his son, smiles, and says,
"You love me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31cmdq/hey_dad_why_dont_you_ever_tell_me_you_love_me/
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Two men are hunting together in a tree stand.

One leans over to his friend and says
"Hey I can see your house from up here! I can see through the window, it looks like your wife is cheating on you with some guy."
The husband in disbelief says to the other,
"Well if you can, shoot her in the head and him in the nuts. That'll teach them a lesson."
His buddy giggles as he raises his gun and says, "I can get that in one shot!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31chr1/two_men_are_hunting_together_in_a_tree_stand/
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A guy says to his wife "why don't you ever tell me when you orgasm?"

She replies, "I don't like ringing you at work."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ch0r/a_guy_says_to_his_wife_why_dont_you_ever_tell_me/
%
What's the difference between Indiana and Reddit?

In Reddit, you get served no matter who you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31cboc/whats_the_difference_between_indiana_and_reddit/
%
Why wasn't Hamlet sad when his girlfriend drowned?

He was more of a necrOpheliac anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31c9v0/why_wasnt_hamlet_sad_when_his_girlfriend_drowned/
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All the guys complaining about my thighs touching each other...

If you were this close to my vagina you'd be touching yourself too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31c9sm/all_the_guys_complaining_about_my_thighs_touching/
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Made in Thailand

Have you heard of the mountain climber from Bangkok?
He became famous as the Thai of the Eiger.
~
Who won the election for mayor of Bangkok?
It was a Thai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31c7td/made_in_thailand/
%
An old lady standing in line at a bank machine asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31c2ku/an_old_lady_standing_in_line_at_a_bank_machine/
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What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31c2cz/whats_the_difference_between_an_irish_wedding_and/
%
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow?

It's making headlines.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31c158/did_you_hear_about_the_corduroy_pillow/
%
Why does Popeye have the perfect dick?

Because he's always dipping it in Olive Oyl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31bzi5/why_does_popeye_have_the_perfect_dick/
%
Johnny goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned...

Johnny goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Babineaux?
"Yes, Father it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
Johnny says, "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Comeaux?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Thibodeaux?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Olivier?"
"I'm sorry but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Prejean?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Prudhomme, then?"
"Please, Father," Johnny pleaded, "I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Babineaux and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Jack slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
Johnny replies, "Four months vacation and five good leads.."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31bz31/johnny_goes_to_confession_and_says_bless_me/
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Earrings

Did you ever wonder why
earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one
day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an earring.
The man knows his
co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and
is curious about his
sudden change in "fashion sense"
The man walks up to him
and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big
deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent
for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to ask, "So,
how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife
found it in my truck."
I had always
wondered how this trend got started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31bv56/earrings/
%
My attempt to translate an old Polish joke to English

> A policeman approaches a man drinking beer in park and asks him for his documents. Student hands him the documents and the policeman begins reading aloud:
> -ahh, I see we don't have a job.
> -no, we don't.
> -we're jerking around all day.
> -yes, we are.
> -Oh! We are students!
> -No, only I am.
Not 100% sure if I translated it well, improvements welcome:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31bqde/my_attempt_to_translate_an_old_polish_joke_to/
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AIR & SEX

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31bowo/air_sex/
%
If a Lesbian "Cock-Blocks" another Lesbian....

is that considered a beaver dam?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31bmyo/if_a_lesbian_cockblocks_another_lesbian/
%
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31bkc6/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/
%
I don't understand hair

It's just over my head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31bhpp/i_dont_understand_hair/
%
Life is like choclate

Bitter if you're dark

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31bfqr/life_is_like_choclate/
%
Gravity

Without it, we would just have gravy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31bbsx/gravity/
%
Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31b620/did_you_hear_about_the_2_guys_that_stole_a/
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Do you want to hear a potassium joke?

K.  I was going to tell you a sodium joke but Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31b5lu/do_you_want_to_hear_a_potassium_joke/
%
A foot and a penis are having a conversation...

The foot says, "I have such a terrible life.  Every day I get shoved into a smelly sock and shoe and have to work all day supporting our master."
The penis replies, "You think you have it bad, huh?  Every day I get a bag pulled over my head and I'm forced to do push-ups inside a dark, wet cave until I throw up!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31b5hq/a_foot_and_a_penis_are_having_a_conversation/
%
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31b2j4/a_man_hasnt_been_feeling_well_so_he_goes_to_his/
%
Did you hear about the fire at the flame retardant textile manufacturer?

Someone left the irony on...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31azk1/did_you_hear_about_the_fire_at_the_flame/
%
What did the necrophiliac have at the funeral

Mourning wood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31azb3/what_did_the_necrophiliac_have_at_the_funeral/
%
Celebrating Good Friday by honoring Jesus

aka doing the same thing he did today and hanging with my Bros.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31avn2/celebrating_good_friday_by_honoring_jesus/
%
Husband to wife: Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?

Wife: I'd divorce you and take half the money
Husband: Well I won $10, here's your 5, now fuck off!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31asg8/husband_to_wife_honey_what_would_you_do_if_i_won/
%
Judas: Still on for friday?

"Jesus: friday?"
"Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper."
"Jesus: The what?"
"Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the fellas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31arr5/judas_still_on_for_friday/
%
Rick Astley will let you borrow any pixar movie in his collection except one.

He's never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31arkr/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_pixar_movie/
%
My ex was like a computer game.

Started off easy, got a little harder and eventually I ended up cheating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ar42/my_ex_was_like_a_computer_game/
%
When hiking in Grizzly Bear country

Always wear small bells warning of your approach to avoid alarming the bears so they do not become aggressive.  Additionally, carry pepper spray for your defense.  You can tell you are in Grizzly bear country by their scat or poop.  Grizzly bear scat is easily identified because it smells like pepper and has small bells in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ar04/when_hiking_in_grizzly_bear_country/
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FROG'S DREAM GIRL

A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young girl.
The psychic tells him, "Yes, you are."
The frog replies, "Where? In a bar or at a party?"
The psychic says, "In biology class."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31aozd/frogs_dream_girl/
%
Two Men And A Woman From Different Countries Get Stranded...

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
• 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
• 2 French men and 1 French woman
• 2 German men and 1 German woman
• 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
• 2 English men and 1 English woman
• 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
• 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
• 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
• 2 American men and 1 American woman
• 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31aloq/two_men_and_a_woman_from_different_countries_get/
%
These gay jokes have got to stop

Cum on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31alhf/these_gay_jokes_have_got_to_stop/
%
If you live in Russia...

.. then you must've picked "HARD MODE" at birth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ala2/if_you_live_in_russia/
%
Seal loses electron

Did you hear about the seal that lost an electron?
It's now a seal ion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ak3s/seal_loses_electron/
%
Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31agx5/why_did_i_get_divorced/
%
What's the difference between your Pacman high score and your child?

I haven't beaten your high score.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31agjw/whats_the_difference_between_your_pacman_high/
%
If the USSR were to become a country again...

...would it be called the Soviet Reunion?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31aduc/if_the_ussr_were_to_become_a_country_again/
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Sunday Church

A few minutes before the church services started the congregation was sitting in the pews and talking. Suddenly Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope sure ain't.' said the cowboy.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute.' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep.' was the calm reply.
'And you still are not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope.' said the old cowboy.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31adin/sunday_church/
%
Why do Brides wear white?

To match the rest of the household appliances.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31a7vg/why_do_brides_wear_white/
%
CHRISTIAN DRUGS

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31a670/christian_drugs/
%
What is the difference between walking a dog in America and China?

The spelling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31a43u/what_is_the_difference_between_walking_a_dog_in/
%
My friend told me he lost 87 pounds and he's really mad about it.

British people be crazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31a2ga/my_friend_told_me_he_lost_87_pounds_and_hes/
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I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me...

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31a07t/i_was_standing_at_the_bar_when_a_girl_came_up_to/
%
Why do blondes wear their hair up?

To catch everything that goes over their heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/319z24/why_do_blondes_wear_their_hair_up/
%
A girl in a club...

A girl in a club said to me, "Did you know that you can tell the colour of someone's pubes by the colour of their eyebrows?"
"I think I've heard that, yeah."
"And I've got no eyebrows, so what does that tell you?"
"Going by the rest of your face, have you been in a fire?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/319y84/a_girl_in_a_club/
%
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

About 60 pounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/319w8e/what_is_the_difference_between_a_girlfriend_and_a/
%
Religious traditions

Back in the 1950's a Catholic neighbourhood was settling down to eat their Friday night fish when they smelled a delicious steak wafting from the recently-purchased house nearby. The men of the neighbourhood looked and saw their new neighbour having a BBQ. They looked at their fish but remained stoic and ate their regularly scheduled meal.
However, this kept going on - Friday after Friday the neighbour cooked a BBQ while they ate fish. They got together to determine what to do about this problem. One man had the genius idea they convert the newcomer to Catholicism and then he would have to settle into the same tradition.
So, they set about becoming best friends, watching sports, mowing lawns, socialising and the like. The new neighbour was so moved by these efforts at friendship that he agreed to convert to their religious views.
He attended a Catholic church where the Priest splashed him with water, "You were born a Protestant" (splash) "You were raised a Protestant" (splash) "You are a Catholic." The men were pleased and figured this was the end of their troubles.
Next Friday as they settled down to eat fish they again smelled a delicious steak sizzling nearby. They looked out their windows, and there was the neighbour at his BBQ with a small bowl of water ... "You were born a cow" (splash) "You were raised a cow" (splash) "You are a fish."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/319tjy/religious_traditions/
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I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/319og1/i_told_my_wife_i_lost_10_lbs_in_one_hour/
%
What does a necrophiliac say to confess his love for someone?

"You're dead to me"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/319n2s/what_does_a_necrophiliac_say_to_confess_his_love/
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What do you call a midget Mexican?

A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/319lis/what_do_you_call_a_midget_mexican/
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For my teacher who used to tell this one....

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.
Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged woman in jeans and a work shirt. She told them the closest town with a mechanic was 60 miles away, and since it was past 5:00 pm they would be closed anyway until the next day.
In a gesture of Texas hospitality, she invited them to stay the night at her ranch which was nearby. Then they could call the garage in town to get their car fixed in the morning.
The two salesmen were very appreciative, and climbed into the pickup with her.
Soon they turned into a gate, and began driving through a lovely farm where cattle were grazing behind neatly built fences. As they drove she told them how she and her late husband had run this farm for years before he had died from a heart attack two years ago. Now it was just her running things, and it got lonely out here so she was glad for the chance to have guests.
Before long they pulled up to a very nice ranch house surrounded by a white fence and with a big barn nearby.
Once inside, the widow rancher made them comfortable on the big front porch and brought them cold iced tea before proceeding inside to cook a delicious home cooked meal for them. After dinner they chatted in the living room for a few hours before she showed them to the guest bedroom where they found a comfortable bed with down pillows and a homemade quilt.
In the morning the widow made them an enormous breakfast while they waited for the tow truck to come collect their car.
When the wrecker came, they bid the kind widow a fond farewell and she sent them on their way with a bag of cookies for later.
Soon their car was repaired and they were on their way again.
About nine months had passed when one of the salesman called the other.
"Bob, do you remember about nine months ago when our car broke down in West Texas?"
"Yes, Ted. I remember that."
"And Bob, do you remember that very kindly widow that took us in for the night?"
"Well of course I remember her Ted."
"Well Bob, I have to ask you something."
"Ok Ted."
"Bob, did you slip out of the guest room that night?"
Yes Ted, I did."
"And Bob, did you go to the widow's room that night?"
"I did Ted."
"Did you and the widow make love Bob?"
"Yes, we did Ted"
"Now Bob, this is very important. Did you by chance use MY name that night when you slept with her?"
"I did Ted. I'm ashamed of myself, but I did. I'm really, really sorry Ted...."
"Oh, that's ok Bob. I just wanted to call and let you know that she died and left me the ranch in her will."
That ones for you Coach!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/319ipn/for_my_teacher_who_used_to_tell_this_one/
%
Do you remember that barbecue?

You know, the one where I put my meat on your grill?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/319gpz/do_you_remember_that_barbecue/
%
The police was talking on the radio

-Sir, we arrived at the crime scene
-Send the report
-A woman killed her husband. She stabbed him 35 times, shot him twice, beat him, beheaded him and finally burned him.
-Wow, what was the reason?
-The man stepped on the floor after she cleaned it.
-And did you capture her?
-No sir, we are waiting for the floor to dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/319fkr/the_police_was_talking_on_the_radio/
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Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can! Why can't humans?

Because they'll bite us!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/319bxo/why_do_dogs_lick_their_balls_because_they_can_why/
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman...

The kids weren't much to look at!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/319aif/an_invisible_man_marries_an_invisible_woman/
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What do you call a cow abortion?

De-calf

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3199nq/what_do_you_call_a_cow_abortion/
%
Rick Astley will let you borrow any pixar movie in his collection except one.

He's never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31981s/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_pixar_movie/
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so many poor jokes, where to begin?

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead, all heavily pregnant, are waiting for a scan; the brunette says 'I was on top, so I'm going to have a bay', the redhead responds with 'I was on the bottom, so I'm going to have a girl', at which point the blonde bursts into tears. The other two manage to calm her down, and ask what is wrong? 'I'm going to have puppies!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3196bf/so_many_poor_jokes_where_to_begin/
%
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3194vt/whats_the_difference_between_jesus_and_a_picture/
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Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner?

Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3191rp/why_did_the_archaeologist_ask_a_diamond_out_to/
%
I got a new computer yesterday

All it does is sing.
I think it was a dell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3191gh/i_got_a_new_computer_yesterday/
%
I was out and about when I saw my ex girlfriend with a new man. She saw me and came over

"He's twice the man you are" she said
"I've got a new partner too" I replied
"Really?" She asked.
"Yes, and she's half the woman you are, you fat cunt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/318zay/i_was_out_and_about_when_i_saw_my_ex_girlfriend/
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I come from a family of failed magicians

I have 2 half sisters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/318vlg/i_come_from_a_family_of_failed_magicians/
%
a wife was in bed with her lover...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband
lurched into bed,a few minutes later,through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey,there are six feet in this bed.There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife,"You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two,three, four. You're right you know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/318piw/a_wife_was_in_bed_with_her_lover/
%
Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/318kxd/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/
%
Translated joke from a south Asian language.

I tried my best. I'm pulling this from memory. Changed a lot of stuff, and added a buttload of new things to make this seem as normal as possible. Enjoy!
> The cops arrest a truck driver for running over 50 people. They take him to the interrogation room and start questioning him. After a while they tell him to explain what happened as honestly as he could. He starts,
> "I was driving and realized that I had lost all possible means of braking or even slowing down the truck."
> "Go on".
> "I was losing control and had to steer the truck onto a large ground besides the road, to avoid collision with the traffic."
> "Then?"
> "I was still unable to slow the truck down, then I realized, to my horror, that I had to make a choice: I could have either steered the truck towards the large crowd which was there for the concert and killed several people or I could have steered the truck towards a hotdog stand where there were only 2 people"
> "You moron! Why didn't you choose to kill the people near the hotdog stand?"
> "I did, officer! I  crushed one under my truck, but the other one ran into the crowd."
**Edit: Um... front page? Am I doing it right?**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/318g8c/translated_joke_from_a_south_asian_language/
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil and paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31883w/did_you_hear_about_the_constipated_mathematician/
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Jose Cuervo showed up at his girlfriend's house with a gun...

Tequila

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317y3r/jose_cuervo_showed_up_at_his_girlfriends_house/
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Father and son pull up into their home driveway...

Father says "son why don't you ever wear your seatbelt?"
Son says " it's freeing and more comfortable dad why else"
To which father casually replies " well son you should start wearing those fucking seatbealts, windshields are pretty damn expensive these days."
I fucking lost it. This just happened. I love my father.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317xcv/father_and_son_pull_up_into_their_home_driveway/
%
I don't do cocaine

I just like the smell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317uzl/i_dont_do_cocaine/
%
Why did Reddit's restaurant go our of business?

All of its servers were busy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317uyl/why_did_reddits_restaurant_go_our_of_business/
%
How do you cure a mute coworker?

Tell them a secret

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317sqb/how_do_you_cure_a_mute_coworker/
%
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles.
I'm sorry, everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317ryb/how_many_tickles_does_it_take_to_make_an_octopus/
%
A Russian professor...

...is starting his term at an American university. He is assigned to teach an introductory calculus sequence for freshman.
"What topics should I cover?", he asks a few colleagues.
"Oh, simple stuff" they say; "start off with some facts about the real numbers, move into limits and differentiation, talk about continuity, and if you have some time you can maybe cover a little integration". The professor is pleased to hear this and rushes to class.
The next day, the professor joins his colleagues in the cafeteria. How did your first class go? they ask.
"Great, great!", he says. "It was so much fun. But now I must ask, what do I cover in the second lecture?"
[stolen](http://www.reddit.com/r/math/comments/311bts/a_joke_my_russian_math_professor_told/) from /u/DIRTY_CRAPPED_BRIEFS over in /r/math

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317qa8/a_russian_professor/
%
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it.

It was a shitzu.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317p1i/i_went_to_the_zoo_the_other_day_there_was_only/
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Interviewer: It says here you're skilled at saying unexpected things?

Me: Yes, I am.
Interviewer: Hmm, I thought you were going to say something unexpec-- oh, you're good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317i82/interviewer_it_says_here_youre_skilled_at_saying/
%
In a short-sighted rushed effort to reboot the iTouch product Apple decided to market it to schools. Apple named their new product iTouch Kids. It didn't go over well...

It did great in the 12-25 prison stint group though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317h7e/in_a_shortsighted_rushed_effort_to_reboot_the/
%
A traffic cop in India

Somewhere in the south of India a traffic cop was wasting away his day. His stretch of the road has been empty for hours, so he hasn't pulled anyone over, wrote no tickets, and hasn't taken any bribes. Hungry and angry he decided to pack up for the day, when he saw an old man riding a donkey in the distance. He got in his car and sped after the old man, pulling him over to the side of the road.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" he asked the old man.
"No, I have no idea," the old man replied.
"You were speeding."
"Speeding? How could I have been speeding? The fastest my donkey has ever moved was 3km/hour."
Unwilling to give up, the cop said, "Well, then you are breaking some other law. Let me see your license and documentation for the donkey."
"I have never needed a license to ride a donkey in my life. Surely you are mistaken," said the old man.
"Fine then. However, your donkey looks very tired. You are abusing the animal. Apologize to him or I will charge you with animal abuse."
The old man took a long look at the cop and then at the donkey and said, "I'm sorry, donkey. I didn't know your brother was a cop."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317gqb/a_traffic_cop_in_india/
%
Much to my surprise, my new girlfriend said...

Much to my surprise, my new girlfriend said having a small cock shouldn't be a problem as long as we truly loved each other. This sounded too good to be true, and it was.
Because after that, she fucking showed it to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317fop/much_to_my_surprise_my_new_girlfriend_said/
%
I wish we were a couple like Justin and Selena...

"I wish we were a couple like Justin and Selena," I said to my girlfriend.
"Get with it," she said, "they've split up."
"OK, then Heidi and Seal."
"They've split up too!"
"OK, then like Justin and Britney."
"They split up 10 years ago!"
"Hmm," I said, "you're not fucking getting it, are you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317djh/i_wish_we_were_a_couple_like_justin_and_selena/
%
About Lily

Probably a repost but I don't care:
Why did Lily fall off the swing? She had no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there? Not Lily.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317ctj/about_lily/
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What is the difference between my girlfriend and a washing machine?

After I dump my load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/317b1g/what_is_the_difference_between_my_girlfriend_and/
%
Why is Santa Claus so horny?

Because he only comes once a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3176ax/why_is_santa_claus_so_horny/
%
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking in a house fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3174ut/whats_black_and_sits_at_the_top_of_the_stairs/
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The man who invented knock-knock jokes...

He deserves a no-bell prize.
I'll see myself out, thanks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3172jy/the_man_who_invented_knockknock_jokes/
%
My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?"

I said I'd take either/oar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3170y6/my_wife_handed_me_two_kayak_paddles_and_asked/
%
Why couldn't the blacksmith use lead to create the lock?

Because it would have Lead(II) trouble.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3170x0/why_couldnt_the_blacksmith_use_lead_to_create_the/
%
Why is there no market for white tires?

Because black tires makes your car run faster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/316xa3/why_is_there_no_market_for_white_tires/
%
How do you milk a sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/316s67/how_do_you_milk_a_sheep/
%
I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in a violent mugging this morning.

On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/316quu/im_still_a_bit_shaken_up_i_was_involved_in_a/
%
My girlfriend said I was addicted to porn

I just can't see her POV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/316nyk/my_girlfriend_said_i_was_addicted_to_porn/
%
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The Wheelchair

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/316ls0/whats_the_hardest_part_about_eating_a_vegetable/
%
A new teacher was trying to...

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”
"No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/316l9o/a_new_teacher_was_trying_to/
%
i got stopped by a cop...

I got stopped by a cop.
"Do you know why I've stopped you?"
I said, "Because you want to suck me off."
"Put your hands behind your head."
I said, "I knew it."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/316hhd/i_got_stopped_by_a_cop/
%
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night...

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!.... That's when I thought "Fucking hell there's something wrong here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/316gay/nearly_shagged_a_ladyboy_last_night/
%
I was almost arrested today for suspicion of having...

I was almost arrested today for suspicion of having child porn on my phone.
"Cheeky cunt" I said to the police, "They're pictures of my own dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/316ce1/i_was_almost_arrested_today_for_suspicion_of/
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My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans....

I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/316brs/my_7yearold_nephew_showed_me_with_pride_the/
%
I just broke up with this...

I just broke up with this cross-eyed chick.
I thought she was seeing someone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/316bq4/i_just_broke_up_with_this/
%
I was driving past my Gran's house today...

I was driving past my Gran's house today and saw 11 pints of milk on her doorstep.
I thought, "She must be fucking thirsty today."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/316axh/i_was_driving_past_my_grans_house_today/
%
My wife asked me to play doctor with her...

...she is now waiting for three hours in front of the bedroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/316ak6/my_wife_asked_me_to_play_doctor_with_her/
%
Two blondes

standing either side of a river, the first blonde shouts to the other "How do you get to the other side?" the other replies "You're on the other side, stupid!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3167wa/two_blondes/
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Magic Number 5

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my best friend Jeff. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the craziest dream the other night. Jeff listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge glowing number "5". It was made of gold and sparkled with shiny diamonds. Jeff's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the 5th race.
Jeff raised an eyebrow. I told him that the #5 horse in the 5th race was named "The 5th Element." Jeff started grinning. Then I told him point-by-point what I did that entire day.
I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of coffee
I went for a 5 mile jog to clear my head
I took a 5 minute shower to rinse off
I dressed in the 5th suit I found in my closet
I sat in my car for 5 minutes before starting it
I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row
I entered through the 5th admissions gate
I bought 5 programs
I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race
I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me.
I settled in and waited for the race to start.
"Well," said Jeff. "Did your horse win??"
I frowned at Jeff and said, "Stupid horse came in 5th."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31665f/magic_number_5/
%
OP is in labour.

Still can't deliver.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3164ds/op_is_in_labour/
%
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Unless he's a Vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31629m/the_way_to_a_mans_heart_is_through_his_stomach/
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Farts are like kids.

You love yours, but other people's are unbearable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3160a8/farts_are_like_kids/
%
This morning i had an eye opening expereince.

Damn alarm clock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/315vyi/this_morning_i_had_an_eye_opening_expereince/
%
A Pirate walked into a bar

A pirate walked into a bar and sat down for a drink.
The bartender asked, "Gee you look awful, are you feeling okay?"
"I feel fine, why do you ask?," said the pirate.
"Well your leg is half missing, you have a wooden peg leg!"
"Arrr that happened a few years back, cannonball came right through the ship and took out me leg."
The bartender looked down at the pirate's hand, "But your hand, it's a hook! How did that happen?"
"Arrr well I was in a sword fight and he got me left hand, but I feel okay now."
"Okay, but how about your eye? You have an eye patch on it!"
"Arrr well just a few days ago I was looking up and a seagull pooped right in me eye."
The bartender, slightly confused asked, "How did that put out your eye?"
The pirate raised his arm, "It was the first day with the hook..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/315vdv/a_pirate_walked_into_a_bar/
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There was a blackout in my town last night

It's okay I called the police.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/315s4l/there_was_a_blackout_in_my_town_last_night/
%
Life is like a penis..

Women make it harder..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/315qr7/life_is_like_a_penis/
%
What happened after the eyeliner and mascara got in a fight?

They had make-up sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/315kuc/what_happened_after_the_eyeliner_and_mascara_got/
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My cute younger brother's contribution.

Brother: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Don't know, why?
Brother: To go to the ugly guy's house.
Me: Huh??
Brother: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Brother: The chicken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/315ko3/my_cute_younger_brothers_contribution/
%
Why are there no black people in clue?

Because then it wouldn't be a mystery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/315jm6/why_are_there_no_black_people_in_clue/
%
What do you call a female clown?

April Fools

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/315hfx/what_do_you_call_a_female_clown/
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Girl on the beach

A muscular young man was walking along the beach at sunset. The beach was empty save one lovely young woman sitting in a wheelchair.
As the young man drew near, he perceived that the girl was crying.
"Fair lady", he said "why do you sit here on the beach watching this lovely sunset and crying?"
Sobbing, the girl looks up at him and replie, "I've been crippled since birth, and I've missed out on so many things my friends have experienced. Barefoot walks in the park, dancing, ice skating......and.....no man has ever wanted me. You know. I've never been fucked."
Gallantly, the strong young stranger reaches down and gently lifts her from her wheelchair. He carries here down towards the crashing surf. Then he hurls her out into the water.
"Well, now you're fucked", he says as he walks away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/315g0h/girl_on_the_beach/
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What type of MMO's does the Taliban play?

RPG's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/315ajc/what_type_of_mmos_does_the_taliban_play/
%
Where do routers go when you throw them away?

A LANfill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3157qf/where_do_routers_go_when_you_throw_them_away/
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Giovanni was just trying to lie on the beach

Giovanni was sitting at the cafe when Antonio walked up to his table and sat down in a huff. Giovanni was surprised. "Antonio, where you been? I've been worried seeck about you!"
Antonio sighed. "My friend, I have been een jail."
Giovanni was shocked. "JAIL! Why did they put you een jail? You are a nice fellow!"
Antonio looked down. "I have gone to this nude beach een France. I thought it would be okay if I take off my clothes and lay down, but the second I did, two politzia came up and take me to jail!"
Giovanni was outraged. "Arrested for laying on a nude beach! That's the worst thing I ever heard! You should be able to lay on a nude beach and nobody should trouble you!"
Antonio nodded. "See, that's what I thought. But after I lay down, this beach started yelling and-a kicking and-a screaming for the police..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/315654/giovanni_was_just_trying_to_lie_on_the_beach/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?...

It doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/314x5z/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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A married couple

driving along the country side and got in an argument. They're so mad at each other that neither one is saying a word to the other. Until the guy drives past a herd of cows and says to his wife "relatives of yours?" His wife instantly replies "Yes! They're my in-laws."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/314w25/a_married_couple/
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Here's a joke about circumcised foreskins.

[Removed]

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/314mdd/heres_a_joke_about_circumcised_foreskins/
%
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/314lez/how_did_the_hipster_burn_his_tongue/
%
Why was Dr. Dre kicked out of the farmer's market?

He kept dropping the beets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/314l97/why_was_dr_dre_kicked_out_of_the_farmers_market/
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What comes after 69?...

Teacher: What comes after 69?
Student: Mouthwash.
Teacher: Get out!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/314ky8/what_comes_after_69/
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What do you call a sex toy bought at IKEA?

A "One Night Stand"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/314jrw/what_do_you_call_a_sex_toy_bought_at_ikea/
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A white doctor in Africa

It's a white doctor in an african village. One day, a horde of African men came to his office and said:
" Doc, we respect you, but we saw that many women started having white babies!"
The doctor laughed and replied: "Oh no! it's not what you think it is! you see, in my ranch I have a lot of white horses and they sometimes have black offspring, nothing unatural!"
The black men looked at eachother, feeling embarrassed.
"Ok doc, we will forget about the women if you forget about the horses."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/314h3g/a_white_doctor_in_africa/
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Did you hear about that priest that turned to alcohol and drugs after he was confined to a wheelchair?

He's no longer an upstanding member of the community.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/314g95/did_you_hear_about_that_priest_that_turned_to/
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Round Sheep

A farmer asked me "Can you help me round up my sheep?"
I said "How many have you got?"
He said "78"
I said "we will call that 80!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/314cf2/round_sheep/
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My body is well defined

.
Look up the word "Flabby".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31492k/my_body_is_well_defined/
%
Why don't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31411f/why_dont_orphans_play_baseball/
%
How do depressed frogs die?

They Kermit suicide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/313yud/how_do_depressed_frogs_die/
%
TIFU by trying to kill a spider with axe body spray.

Now his name is chad and he's fucking all the girl spiders in my house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/313yph/tifu_by_trying_to_kill_a_spider_with_axe_body/
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There were three sisters

One named Lilly, one named Rose, and the other named Cinderblock. One day Lilly went to their mother and asked, "Mom, why did you name me Lilly?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a lilly petal fell on your head," mother replied.
So then Rose went to her mother and asked, "Mom, why did you name me Rose?"
"Because when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head," mother replied.
So then Cinderblock went to her mother and asked, "der der duh der duh"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/313xjk/there_were_three_sisters/
%
My favorite name for a planet is Saturn...

it has a nice ring to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/313wb2/my_favorite_name_for_a_planet_is_saturn/
%
Why couldn't Mike Tyson go to the laundromat?

Because it was clothed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/313w9i/why_couldnt_mike_tyson_go_to_the_laundromat/
%
My boys and I plan to rob the super glue factory..

By the way the plan looks, things will be hard to pull off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/313w4g/my_boys_and_i_plan_to_rob_the_super_glue_factory/
%
If I had a dollar every time I thought of you...

...I would start thinking of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/313r5w/if_i_had_a_dollar_every_time_i_thought_of_you/
%
Honey, before it starts.

-Honey can you bring me a beer before it starts?
She brings him a beer.
-Honey can you pass me the remote before it starts?
She passes him the remote.
-Honey can you put my work clothes in the washer before it starts?
She gets up and puts his working clothes in the washer.
-Honey could you bring me some nachos?
She cracks
-What the hell? Do think this is a damn hotel? Do you think I'm here to fulfill you every need? Am I supposed to be handing you every little thing, wash your clothes, clean up after you like your personal maid? HUH!?
-... So it's started.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/313phn/honey_before_it_starts/
%
Knock knock...(from my 6 year old)

Who's there?
"Little girl".
Little girl, who?
"Little girl who can't reach the door knob".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/313mvc/knock_knockfrom_my_6_year_old/
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Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day...

At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/313k6l/marriage_is_like_having_your_favorite_meal_every/
%
What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist fuck.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/313iaf/whats_black_and_never_works/
%
I have so may gay friends...

I can't keep them straight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/313df4/i_have_so_may_gay_friends/
%
My grandpa was always disappointed in me....

When I was five my grandpa was always disappointed in me. He would tell me "when I was your age I was six."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/313dek/my_grandpa_was_always_disappointed_in_me/
%
What's the speed limit to sex?

68.
Once you go 69 you have to stop and turn around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/313bm0/whats_the_speed_limit_to_sex/
%
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31370e/what_happens_to_a_frogs_car_when_it_breaks_down/
%
My company uses salt water to solve any problem.

We are called Saline Solutions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31365e/my_company_uses_salt_water_to_solve_any_problem/
%
Stranded on a Deserted Island

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3135jm/stranded_on_a_deserted_island/
%
My Dad being an asshole to an 8 year old

Best April Fools Day joke; i was like 7 or 8, my dad and I are talking trash all of March 31st about who is gonna prank who better. Morning of april 1st my dad wakes me up and rushes me into the shower, has me change my clothes, and eat breakfast. As I'm about to head out to the bus stop I noticed it was pretty dark, thats because it was 3 in the morning...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31358u/my_dad_being_an_asshole_to_an_8_year_old/
%
Three Old Men

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.
The first says: "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm 75 years old. Every morning at 7:00, I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says: "You think you have problems. I'm 80 years old. Every morning at 8:00, I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up: "Fellas, I'm 90 years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 sharp I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3131it/three_old_men/
%
They say a dog is a man's best friend...

They say a dog is a man's best friend.
But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a shit on my carpet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31306l/they_say_a_dog_is_a_mans_best_friend/
%
A blonde walks into a restaurant

to get some dinner, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. ''Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/312w9y/a_blonde_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
How many frat boys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they prefer natural light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/312w3q/how_many_frat_boys_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
%
A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life...

A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question, "Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?" The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/312pv4/a_girl_was_about_to_jump_off_a_cliff_to_end_her/
%
It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.
"Really!" I exclaimed.
"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."
That'll teach her to try and be funny...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/312p64/its_a_healthy_relationship/
%
My friend said he was a harp..

But he was obviously a lyre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/312ngg/my_friend_said_he_was_a_harp/
%
There was a farmer who had a machine which caculated the angle you sat.

He called it his pro-tractor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/312mc3/there_was_a_farmer_who_had_a_machine_which/
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The doctor told me to stay positive

I have HIV

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/312kin/the_doctor_told_me_to_stay_positive/
%
A Burglar Broke Into a House...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight Off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so He could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed.. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.  'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/312k99/a_burglar_broke_into_a_house/
%
The police just released a statement that someone is going around pickpocketing midgets.

I'm surprised someone could stoop so low.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/312irs/the_police_just_released_a_statement_that_someone/
%
50 shades of grey

#575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8
yeah what did you expect..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/312hfa/50_shades_of_grey/
%
Super baby

A man was sitting outside his wife's hospital room while she was giving birth. Finally, after half an hour of anxious anticipation, the doctor emerges from the ward holding the baby in his arms.
"Congratulations Mr Smith, it's a boy. Not only that, this baby has super powers!"
The man, unsure how to react, responded with a confused "...super powers?"
"Yeah," said the doctor excitedly, "your son can fly! Watch!".
Before the man could react, the doctor opened a window and tossed the baby out. Unsurprisingly, it fell to the ground with a loud splat.
The man went apeshit. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?!", he screamed, "YOU KILLED MY FUCKING BABY YOU CUNT!"
"April fools!", said the doctor, "It was stillborn."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/312da9/super_baby/
%
Albert the 75 year old was in a nursing home....

Every day he walked into the gardens and sat on a bench. Soon after he sat down Doris would come and sit next to him - he would take his penis out and she would hold it for about an hour. After a while they stood up and walked back to their respective rooms. The staff turned a blind eye to this - after all a bit of older love wasn't really upsetting anyone and it went on for about 2 years. One day they looked out into the gardens and saw Albert sitting on the bench - but this time it was another old lady - Mavis - holding him. Doris was in another corner of the garden in floods of tears. As Albert walked back to his room - a nurse questioned him..."I see Mavis is your girlfriend now and you have left Doris....what does Mavis have that Doris doesn't?"
Albert replied "Parkinson's"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/312a33/albert_the_75_year_old_was_in_a_nursing_home/
%
what will i do when i have an out-of-body experience?

i'll see myself out....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3124ym/what_will_i_do_when_i_have_an_outofbody_experience/
%
Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger...

...but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/311tjc/everyone_seems_worried_about_global_warming_and/
%
What's an SJW's favorite JRPG?

Chrono Triggered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/311r0p/whats_an_sjws_favorite_jrpg/
%
What do you call a little kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/311mn0/what_do_you_call_a_little_kid_with_no_friends/
%
Two guys are driving down a country road. The first one looks out the window and says:

"hey look, a bunch of cows!"
The second guy looks at him and says: "no, you mean a herd of cows!"
His friend looks back at him and says: "of course I've heard of cows!"
The second guy then says: "no no no! I mean a cow herd!"
The first guy, looking confused, says: "what do I care what a cow heard!!?? I have no secrets from a cow!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/311ium/two_guys_are_driving_down_a_country_road_the/
%
I don't have a high opinion about myself when I play PC games...

It's my low self on Steam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/311fhy/i_dont_have_a_high_opinion_about_myself_when_i/
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First time for everything.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/311efr/first_time_for_everything/
%
Why did Susie drop her ice cream?

Because she was hit by a bus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/311e7t/why_did_susie_drop_her_ice_cream/
%
A blonde is dying

A blonde lady walks into her Dr's office and says 'oh Doctor, I'm dying, I'm dying. The Dr says 'oh my, what's the problem?' She taps her forehead and says 'it hurts here'. She taps her neck and says 'it hurts here', she taps her chest and says 'it hurts here', she taps her stomach and says 'it hurts here'. 'I hurt everywhere Dr, I'm dying'.
The doctor exams her and says 'lady, you've got a broken finger!'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/311b82/a_blonde_is_dying/
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Strong Man Contest

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone when it comes to pure strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers at the job site. After several minutes of ranting, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is and challenge me to a strength competition," he said. "I will bet an entire week's pay that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man. Let's see what you got," the young boaster replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, hop in."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3118vl/strong_man_contest/
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Risky Burial

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150."
The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead...I just can't take that chance."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3116p1/risky_burial/
%
A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church...

"You can't be here" says the pastor
The Higgs Boson particle responds
"But with out me, how can you have mass?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3114kb/a_higgs_boson_particle_walks_into_a_church/
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Bacon is like a woman

it looks good
it smells good
it tastes good
and it slowly kills men

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3114ey/bacon_is_like_a_woman/
%
A man goes to a bar and sees...

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3110gz/a_man_goes_to_a_bar_and_sees/
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Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the swamps of Louisiana. She really wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes to bring back for her boyfriend but didn't want to pay the high prices the local stores were charging.
After becoming very frustrated with the local shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper replied, "Good luck! Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, and he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, rope in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She lunges, wraps herself around the beast and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more alligators all tied up.
Completely amazed, the shopkeeper got out of his car and walked toward the young lady.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts up at the shopkeeper, "Ugh! This one isn't wearing shoes either!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/310zs4/alligator_shoes/
%
Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a pooh

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/310sw0/why_did_the_baker_have_brown_hands/
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A Shot of Whiskey

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.
He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.
The man responded, "
I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/310nip/a_shot_of_whiskey/
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Whats the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/310ncs/whats_the_worst_part_about_locking_your_keys_in/
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A Russian And An Irish Wrestler Square Off

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each otherseveral times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/310h9v/a_russian_and_an_irish_wrestler_square_off/
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A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/310dwo/a_physicist_a_mathematician_and_a_computer/
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A woman teaches her virgin boyfriend...

A woman teaches her virgin boyfriend about sex. She suggests some 69 and has him lay down with her on top.
As she starts sucking him, she lowers her pussy to his face and accidentally farts.
Embarrassed, she jumps up and says they should try again. As soon as she squats on his face, she farts again.
The guy then says: Can we try something else? I don't think I can take 67 more of these.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/310dct/a_woman_teaches_her_virgin_boyfriend/
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As the pope lay dying he is visited by an angel...

This angel tells him that before he dies, God has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly pleasures he gave up his whole life.
The Pope argues for a while but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions are met:
"First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration I will perform on her body!"
"Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the unspeakable act I will be performing on her body!"
"Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable acts I will be performing on her body."
The angel writes these down and begins to float away to report back to God.
Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward and says, "One last thing."
"What is it," says the Angel.
The Pope whispers "Big tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/310cp4/as_the_pope_lay_dying_he_is_visited_by_an_angel/
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How do you know your at a gay BBQ?

The hotdogs taste like shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3109ux/how_do_you_know_your_at_a_gay_bbq/
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A guy asks his girl friend to marry him...

A guy asks his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamborghini Countach - she loves this car and she goes everywhere in it.
One day, she picks up her kids from school. She's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor, "Where is my son? He was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham."
The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he won't be able to kick a football any more."
The woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at Wimbledon."
The doctor says, "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she won't be able to pick up a racket any more."
She begins to cry.
"Doctor," asks the woman, "how long have I been in this coma?"
The doctor replies, "Six months."
"So what's the date?" asks the woman.
"April 1st," says the doctor.
The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then, were you?"
Doctor: "YES... they both died on impact."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3106jj/a_guy_asks_his_girl_friend_to_marry_him/
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I broke my finger today...

But on the other hand I am completely fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31065v/i_broke_my_finger_today/
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If you ever see a woman drinking a Corona...

...you should ask her out immediately, because you know she'll swallow anything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3105zv/if_you_ever_see_a_woman_drinking_a_corona/
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A Husband And Wife Go Golfing

A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together.
They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favorite golf courses.
They play through to the 9th hole, both having an amazing game. The husband watches his beautiful wife tee off and feels a rush of emotion and guilt.
"Honey, I have to tell you something.
At the very beginning of our marriage, I was with another woman.
It only happened once and I've been faithful ever since.
It was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me."
The wife looks fondly at him. "I forgive you. We've had a very happy life together. I love you."
The husband is so relieved, feeling light as a feather.
They play a few more holes in bliss when suddenly the wife turns to her husband.
"Honey, I too have something to confess."
The husband smiles and says, "Anything dear - you were so gracious to me, and we can make it through anything."
"Before we met, I had an operation. I used to be a man."
The husband throws his club down and starts swearing and kicking up turf.
The wife is in shock. "But I forgave you for your secret!"
The husband, red faced, turns to her and says, "All these years! All these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you cheater!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3104b5/a_husband_and_wife_go_golfing/
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Did you here about the gay midget?

He finally came out of the cabinet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30zver/did_you_here_about_the_gay_midget/
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Yo' Mama Jokes Battle!

I'll start!
Yo' Mama is so skanky, her dildo came with jumper cables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30zod6/yo_mama_jokes_battle/
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Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends...?

Because he's married. ;_; (I'll see myself out).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30zn3f/why_cant_stevie_wonder_see_his_friends/
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My wife told me to go to the store and pick up some milk.

My wife told me to go to the store and pick up some milk, and if they have potatoes, get 6. I soon came home, and she asked why the hell I had 6 gallons of milk. I said, "They had potatoes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30zl6u/my_wife_told_me_to_go_to_the_store_and_pick_up/
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Stick with anal!

A man and his wife are in the maternity ward,with the wife giving birth to their new born. his wife says "it hurts so bad! You did this to me!!"
the husband said, "Well as i recall i wanted to put it in your ass, but you said that d hurt to much!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30zcox/stick_with_anal/
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Yesterday I heard there was a robbery at a bakery, I've heard of stupid crimes...

But this one really takes the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30z3j2/yesterday_i_heard_there_was_a_robbery_at_a_bakery/
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Why the musician sold his computer...

Not enough gigs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30z2tf/why_the_musician_sold_his_computer/
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I like my games like I like my women

cheap and used

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30yzp4/i_like_my_games_like_i_like_my_women/
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grandpa, can I have your cigar?

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not old enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then you're not old enough  enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30yxli/grandpa_can_i_have_your_cigar/
%
"Sir, the UAV strike bombing missed the target."

"Were we at least close?"
"Not even remotely."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30yvvz/sir_the_uav_strike_bombing_missed_the_target/
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[God-awful OC] What do you call someone who lets people rent wifi signals from them?

The lanlord!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30yv8x/godawful_oc_what_do_you_call_someone_who_lets/
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Two hookers are on a street corner..

One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No, but I've been swung around by my tits."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30yqpu/two_hookers_are_on_a_street_corner/
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Did you hear the one about the Irish boomerang ?

It doesn't come back .............. it just sings about how much it wants to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ylgu/did_you_hear_the_one_about_the_irish_boomerang/
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I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app...

When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30yi3e/i_just_picked_up_the_germanwings_iphone_app/
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Two Mexicans riding a bicycle

Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.  A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up.  Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs."
The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it.  She calls for immediate backup from headquarters, the Border Patrol and the Swat Team.  The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.
"I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30yhpn/two_mexicans_riding_a_bicycle/
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Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years...

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night..
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and
put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been
reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie
her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’
So--- Here I am!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ydh8/four_guys_have_been_going_to_the_same_golfing/
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How to let your apprentice chef take care of an order

My restaurant has a sign outside that says we make anything that you want to eat. So a man came in today and wanted a garden salad with Persian dressing. I freaked out as I had no idea what Persian dressing was but my smart ass apprentice chef told me not to worry and that he will take care of it. He went back to the customer with a garden salad and a picture of a Persian man putting his pants on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30yclu/how_to_let_your_apprentice_chef_take_care_of_an/
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How do you make the best Harlem Shake video?

You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ycfk/how_do_you_make_the_best_harlem_shake_video/
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I have a friend whose fetish is cashews.

He's fucking nuts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30y999/i_have_a_friend_whose_fetish_is_cashews/
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How do whores in Westeros get into the castle?

Hodor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30y7r5/how_do_whores_in_westeros_get_into_the_castle/
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As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," said the vet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30xy0z/as_he_inserted_the_rectal_thermometer_i_got_a/
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Man walks into a tavern.

Man walks into a tavern and passed the bar. Bartender turns to him and says, "You can't be back here." Man says, "It's OK. I'm a lawyer now."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30xrx9/man_walks_into_a_tavern/
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You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls

All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key vibe, a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30xmj5/youd_be_surprised_how_easy_it_is_to_pick_up_girls/
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A particle walks into a bar, but nobody is there.

So he waves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30xgu8/a_particle_walks_into_a_bar_but_nobody_is_there/
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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk...

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog shit, 20 feet back."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30xgty/two_men_are_approaching_each_other_on_a_sidewalk/
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Confucius say

when mosquito land on testicle, you learn to solve problem without violence

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30xfx4/confucius_say/
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So this white cis male in IT says...

So this white cis male in IT says to me "I don't know what's wrong. I can SELECT from the database, but I can't UPDATE."
"Bitch, you need to check your privileges!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30xfsq/so_this_white_cis_male_in_it_says/
%
My family was so poor...

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30xbrp/my_family_was_so_poor/
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Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods

Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...' At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away at work.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30xbie/little_johnny_watched_his_daddys_car_pass_by_the/
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A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV...

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30xa9l/a_husband_and_wife_and_their_two_sons_are/
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Three Irishmen And Three Scots Are On A Train

Three Scots and three Irishmen are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three Irishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Irishman.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.
They all board the train.
The Irishmen take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The Irishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Irishman.
Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.
When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30xa17/three_irishmen_and_three_scots_are_on_a_train/
%
So a blind man walks into a bar.

No one warned him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30x9j7/so_a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama....

The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30x96b/they_just_found_a_black_guy_hanging_from_a_tree/
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So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...

Whoops, wrong sub.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30x8n4/so_a_navy_man_returns_to_his_ship_after_a_night/
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Hillbilly Stripper

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
He performs a slow pirouette,
and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.
With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30x4fh/hillbilly_stripper/
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I had this sexy girl, flat on her back...

I had this sexy girl, flat on her back outside a club last night. We were locking lips, it was getting passionate and hot, then some people started to gather around and watch.
To put on a show, I thought I'd slip a few fingers into her pussy while I gently kissed her neck.
Her friends looked at each other and said, "I don't think this boy really knows CPR."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30x2cd/i_had_this_sexy_girl_flat_on_her_back/
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Why didn't Stalin look both ways before he crossed the road?

He was rushin'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30wz08/why_didnt_stalin_look_both_ways_before_he_crossed/
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BEANS & ONIONS

Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30wwha/beans_onions/
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Bill had a problem with his elbow

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10.
The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30wvlf/bill_had_a_problem_with_his_elbow/
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"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30wv2y/push_harder_i_shouted_at_my_wife_while_she_was_in/
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A British man visits Australia

. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"
The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30wud9/a_british_man_visits_australia/
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How were people born ?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30wq9u/how_were_people_born/
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Multitasking

Whoever said women can multitask is talking bollocks.....I told my missus to sit down and shut the fuck up, she couldn't do either

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30wpud/multitasking/
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3 Stages of boobs

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30wonk/3_stages_of_boobs/
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2 blondes were walking along a beach when one said, "Look! A dead bird!"

The other looked up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30wo9j/2_blondes_were_walking_along_a_beach_when_one/
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Did you hear about the paperboy who masturbated on the job?

It was all over the news!
(Can't remember where I heard this, so sorry if its a repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30wmuk/did_you_hear_about_the_paperboy_who_masturbated/
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You should always buy very high end speakers

It's a sound investment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30wmhf/you_should_always_buy_very_high_end_speakers/
%
Procrastination is like masturbation:

it is fun and feels good but in the end you've only fucked yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30wh4r/procrastination_is_like_masturbation/
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I had a rash on my penis so I went to see a doctor.

The receptionist said that the only doctor available was a podiatrist and asked me what my problem was so I showed her.
She said "that's not a foot" I told her that I wasn't going to argue with her over half an inch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30wbwz/i_had_a_rash_on_my_penis_so_i_went_to_see_a_doctor/
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What do you call a violent, racist organization of confused Mexicans?

The quequeque

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30w7ij/what_do_you_call_a_violent_racist_organization_of/
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What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30w714/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
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The German, Englishman, Frenchmen, and American on the plane.

So the German, Englishman, Frenchman, and American are on a plane. So they are sitting there and all of a sudden the pilot comes back and says "Someone is going to have to jump off the plane because the plane weighs too much and we won't make it." So the German gets up and walks over to the door and says something in German that amounts to "GERMANY FOREVER!!!" and jumps out of the plane. So the pilot goes back to the cockpit and comes back a little while later and says "Someone else is gonna have to jump off or we won't make it." So the Englishman gets up and walks over to the door and says "LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!!!" and jumps out of the plane. The pilot goes back up to the front and comes back a little while later and says "We still won't make it so someone else is going to have to jump." So the American gets up walks over to the door and says "GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!" and throws the French guy out of the plane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30w656/the_german_englishman_frenchmen_and_american_on/
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An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."  To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."  To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it!?  "The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.  Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30w62s/an_italian_an_irishman_and_a_chinese_fellow_are/
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Where's the best place for a horse to grow up?

In a stable environment.
Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30w5j1/wheres_the_best_place_for_a_horse_to_grow_up/
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I have a friend named miles

But he moved to Europe so now he goes by Kilometers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30w0fv/i_have_a_friend_named_miles/
%
A crazy girlfriend is like a box chocolates,

They will both kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30vxwh/a_crazy_girlfriend_is_like_a_box_chocolates/
%
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30vs6x/what_do_you_call_a_fat_psychic/
%
A kid has a pear-shaped head

The poor kid is feeling down because everyone at school teases him about his pear-shaped head. One day he can no longer take the teasing and says to the kids teasing him, "I can't help having a pear-shaped head, my mom ate a pear when she was pregnant with me."
"That's not how it works," one of the other kids said. "My mom ate a scratched disc when she was pregnant with me and nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...happened."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30vlxa/a_kid_has_a_pearshaped_head/
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3 Presidents are in a Plane

So three presidents are in a plane, an American one, a French one, and a Mexican one. As they were flying, the American president stuck his hand out (one of those windowless planes), and said "hey, were in America!" The French president asks how did he know they were in America, and the American president says, "because when I stuck my hand out, I felt the top of the empire state building." A short while later, the French president sticks his hand out and say "Hey, we are in France!" The Mexican president asks him about how he knew, and the French president said, "when I stuck my hand out I felt the top of the Eiffel tower. A short while later the Mexican president sticks his hand out and says "hey, were in Mexico!" The American president asks him how he knew, and to this the Mexican President replied,"Well, I stuck my hand out and when I pulled it back in, my watch disappeared."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30vk61/3_presidents_are_in_a_plane/
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So I bought a fragrant candle the other day, but when I lit it nothing happened...

It just didn't make scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30vg36/so_i_bought_a_fragrant_candle_the_other_day_but/
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Knock Knock "Who's there" Knock "Knock Who?"

Knock Knock

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30vfrb/knock_knock_whos_there_knock_knock_who/
%
my daughter is 3. her joke about spiders:

Spiders make Websites.
she's not wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30v3p0/my_daughter_is_3_her_joke_about_spiders/
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Three ladies on a park bench

"There are three birds on a wire," the female teacher says, "and one gets shot down. how many are left?"
"None," says Johnny.
"Why do you say that Johnny?"
"Because the gunshot would scare the others away."
"Well. the correct answer is two, but I like the way you think, Johnny."
"I've got one for you teacher. There are three ladies sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. The first one licks her cone, the second one nibbles it and the third one sucks it. Which one do you think is married?"
"The one who sucks it?"
"No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30uzja/three_ladies_on_a_park_bench/
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Just heard Barrack Obama's main writer has been killed..

Sources reporting that he is currently speechless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30uyjy/just_heard_barrack_obamas_main_writer_has_been/
%
A bowl of cornflakes walks into a bar

The barman says "get out, we don't serve breakfast here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ux2e/a_bowl_of_cornflakes_walks_into_a_bar/
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A blond chick gets a new tattoo...

So later at the bar with her friends she hikes up her skirt to show off a conch shell tattooed high on her inner thigh, near her snootch.
One of her friends asks, "Why did you get it so on your thigh?"
"So that when you put your ear against it, you can smell the ocean."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30uw9p/a_blond_chick_gets_a_new_tattoo/
%
How many Super Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGONBALL ZEEEEE!
(I really hope this isn't a repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30uvkx/how_many_super_saiyans_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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What do you call a computer programmer that likes to kidnap children?

A PDFile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30uu6q/what_do_you_call_a_computer_programmer_that_likes/
%
Hitler and his men are having a meeting.

Hitler: We will kill 6 million Jews and 1 clown.
Men: Why the clown?
Hitler: See! I told you nobody cares about the Jews!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30uogj/hitler_and_his_men_are_having_a_meeting/
%
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*gargling noise*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ul8s/what_did_cinderella_say_when_she_got_to_the_ball/
%
Two Leprechauns Knock on the Door of a Convent.

The Mother Superior answers.
"Em, 'scuse me, Mother Superior," the first leprechaun says, "but you aren't after having any midget nuns in this convent?"
"Why, no little man" says she, "we have no midget nuns in this convent."
"Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the south of Ireland?"
"No, little man"
"Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the north of Ireland?"
"No, little man."
"So, yer tellin' us, Mother Superior, that in all of Ireland, there are no midget nuns?"
"Yes, as far as I know in all of Ireland, there are no midget nuns." The line of questioning becoming tiresome, the Mother Superior closes the door and goes away.
One leprechaun turns to the other and says, "Ah, well ye see, Seamus, I told you it was a penguin we fooked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30uks1/two_leprechauns_knock_on_the_door_of_a_convent/
%
Being a penis is rough

Your roommates are nuts, your neighbor is an ass hole, your best friend is a pussy, and your owner strangles you every night until you throw up!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30uirn/being_a_penis_is_rough/
%
It's all shits and giggles until........

someone giggles and shits

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ui6d/its_all_shits_and_giggles_until/
%
when people post the punchline in the title

You know what I hate?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30uhsk/when_people_post_the_punchline_in_the_title/
%
A Little Boy and His Chores

A Little boy sits down and ask his mom for breakfast. The mom ask "have you done your chores?" He pouts and says, "no, chores are dumb" The mom says he can't have breakfast until they're done
So the boy walks outside and walks over to the cow and begins milking her. While doing so he gets pissed and kicks the cow and walks away. He then walks over to the Chickens and begins gathering the eggs, and once again he gets pissed and kicks the chickens. Finally he walks over to the pigs and doesn't even try, he just kicks the pig.
He runs back inside and ask his mom for breakfast. She throws down a piece of bread. The little boy ask why. She says, "you kicked the cow so no milk for 2 weeks, you kicked the chicken so no eggs for 2 weeks and you kicked the pigs so no bacon for 2 weeks.
A few minutes later the dad walks into the kitchen and trips on the cat. The dad gets pissed and kicks the cat across the room. The boy turns to his mom and says, "should I tell him or do you want to"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ugvs/a_little_boy_and_his_chores/
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What's a mathematician's favorite kind of music?

Logarithms

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ugn8/whats_a_mathematicians_favorite_kind_of_music/
%
An elderly woman rang her husband while he was driving...

He heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Darling, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the freeway, please be careful!"
He replied, "There's not just one car, there's hundreds of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ugh7/an_elderly_woman_rang_her_husband_while_he_was/
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What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout?

A boy scout comes home from camp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ua9z/whats_the_difference_between_a_jew_and_a_boy_scout/
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What did Helen Keller say when she picked up a cheese grater?

That was the most violent book I've ever read..........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30u4kx/what_did_helen_keller_say_when_she_picked_up_a/
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I just received an email titled $50 TO SEE JUSTIN BIEBER LIVE

I'm really the wrong person to email for these kind of ransoms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30u4en/i_just_received_an_email_titled_50_to_see_justin/
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A blind man walks into a bar...

...and a chair...and a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30u1ue/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

So you're the one!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30u0f5/whats_the_difference_between_toilet_paper_and_a/
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A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area.

The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.  The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30u00e/a_midget_from_texas_was_experiencing_constant/
%
Two cannibals are eating a guy...

They decide to split him up into halves. One cannibal takes the top and the other takes the bottom. The cannibal on the bottom asks the one eating the top half how it tastes.
"Good, can't complain." he replies
The cannibal on top asks the cannibal eating the lower half how it's going.
"Great! I'm having a ball!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30tzq9/two_cannibals_are_eating_a_guy/
%
A blonde gets on an airplane

and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30tut5/a_blonde_gets_on_an_airplane/
%
4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30tqhu/4_6_8_and_9_have_all_been_killed/
%
Asked my friend to make up a joke about two Canadians and a Bear

A visually impaired Canadian is notified that a bear has broken into his house and is eating all his food.
He hurries home and into the kitchen, where he finds A: his hairy housemate and B: a bear.
But he doesn't know which is which!
"Shoot us both," the housemate says, "it's the only way you can be sure!"
"RRRRAAAAWWWRRR," says the bear.
...He doesn't shoot any of them, because firearms are dangerous and strictly regulated in Canada.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30tnc6/asked_my_friend_to_make_up_a_joke_about_two/
%
Hey everyone. I created a new word today.

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30tlil/hey_everyone_i_created_a_new_word_today/
%
What killed the newspaperman?

Bad circulation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30tgv0/what_killed_the_newspaperman/
%
What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator?

The fridge doesnt fart when i pull my meat out

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30tfcl/whats_the_difference_between_a_gay_guy_and_a/
%
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

Don't expect me to get hard in 3 minutes, I just got laid this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30te5h/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_pot_of_boiling_water/
%
A Baby Seal Walks Into A Club...

I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30tcds/a_baby_seal_walks_into_a_club/
%
Iv'e never been so proud of myself..

Just completed a jigsaw puzzle in 8 days..
It said 3-4 years on the box!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30tbwx/ive_never_been_so_proud_of_myself/
%
I used to be addicted to soap.

I'm clean now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30tad2/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
Daddy Issues

So I was having sex with this chick the other night. She was real freaky. She kept saying "ahh yeah, fuck me like daddy used to." It made me very uncomfortable. I mean, why did she have to bring up our father?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30t8l3/daddy_issues/
%
I was pooping in a bathroom with no windows when the there was a power outage.

When I had to wipe my butt I couldn't see shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30t8cr/i_was_pooping_in_a_bathroom_with_no_windows_when/
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An Irishman and a Norwegian apply for the same job.

The job they're applying for is at an engineering firm in Dublin.
Both the Irishman and the Norwegian do so well in the interview the boss can't decide who to hire, so he sets up a small aptitude test.
Both men again score the same. 19/20 correct.
After some waiting the boss comes through and says to the Irishman: "I'm sorry but on this occasion we've decided to hire the Norwegian"
The Irishman angered by this says "Surely, me being Irish would mean you would give the job to me instead of a foreigner". He went on a rant about looking after the locals etc.
When he was done the boss replied. He said:
"Well it's like this. We didnt make the decision based on how many answers you got right but more on the answers you got wrong"
So the Irishman still angry says, "but we both got one wrong answer"
Again the boss replies calmly saying, "it's not how many wrong answers you got but the answer you gave. On question 7 the Norwegian wrote 'I don't know' as his answer.
Your answer was 'Neither do I'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30t3y3/an_irishman_and_a_norwegian_apply_for_the_same_job/
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the most famous person in the history of the world

The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30t15q/the_most_famous_person_in_the_history_of_the_world/
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ɯǝlqoɹd lɐɔᴉuɥɔǝʇ llɐɯs ɐ ǝʌɐɥ I ˙ɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ ɯoɹɟ ƆԀ ʍǝu ɐ pǝɹǝpɹo I

Read it upside down

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30t0y3/ɯǝlqoɹd_lɐɔᴉuɥɔǝʇ_llɐɯs_ɐ_ǝʌɐɥ_i_ɐᴉlɐɹʇsn_ɯoɹɟ_ɔԁ/
%
The best thing about having a penis is ..

Sharing it with people who don't have one :P

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30t0p1/the_best_thing_about_having_a_penis_is/
%
Why are americans bad at DotA ?

Because they cant defend their towers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30szw6/why_are_americans_bad_at_dota/
%
I punched Dwayne Johnson in the butt...

I guess I hit rock bottom
**ba-dum-tss**

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30svx6/i_punched_dwayne_johnson_in_the_butt/
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape North Korea's long range missiles

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30sviu/why_did_the_chicken_cross_the_road/
%
A cop just knocked on my door and said that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

My dogs don't even own bikes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30sute/a_cop_just_knocked_on_my_door_and_said_that_my/
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When is bingo harmless?

When its B9!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30supw/when_is_bingo_harmless/
%
A software engineer goes shopping...

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30sujc/a_software_engineer_goes_shopping/
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Why do Scotsman wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30spao/why_do_scotsman_wear_kilts/
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So I checked out that buzzfeed article..

Turns out that I've already reddit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30sng5/so_i_checked_out_that_buzzfeed_article/
%
What do you call a big pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30sng2/what_do_you_call_a_big_pile_of_kittens/
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A Rich Woman And Her Butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler,
Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.
She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom.
She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30sie2/a_rich_woman_and_her_butler/
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Getting into Heaven

A young man stood before St. Peter who tells him "Son, to let you into Heaven you must tell me one good thing you've done on Earth"
The guy thinks for a moment and replies "Well, I saw some some bikers out the front of a bar harassing a girl. So I walked over to the biggest biker, kicked his bike over, pushed him to the ground, and told him to leave the poor girl alone!"
St. Peter is quite impressed with this and says, "Well done my son, and when exactly did this happen?"
"About 5 minutes ago"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30sfpm/getting_into_heaven/
%
"How far have you gone with a girl?"

"I went to Canada with my mum once"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30semf/how_far_have_you_gone_with_a_girl/
%
I got charged for a satellite dish the other day...

I was furious. He told me it'd be on the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30se3c/i_got_charged_for_a_satellite_dish_the_other_day/
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A Fire Started In A Chemical Plant

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene,
the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact."
The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze.
After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced passed everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000,
and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on the truck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30s7f9/a_fire_started_in_a_chemical_plant/
%
Two chemists walk into a bar

.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first﻿ chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30s6i6/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/
%
Why was the 6 month old African baby crying? (x-post from ImGoingToHellForThis)

It was having a mid-life crisis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30s5qz/why_was_the_6_month_old_african_baby_crying_xpost/
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Turns out that German pilot was heavily depressed...

He brought the whole plane down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30s52a/turns_out_that_german_pilot_was_heavily_depressed/
%
My gay friend told me his old boyfriend never played with his balls, but his new one just can't stop playing with them

I told him "I suppose one man's junk is another mans treasure"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30s4nt/my_gay_friend_told_me_his_old_boyfriend_never/
%
Newton, Galileo and Pascal were playing hide and seek...

...Pascal taps Galileo and decides he is seeking before running to hide. Galileo begins to count. Newton grabs a piece of chalk from his pocket because all scientists have pieces of chalk in their pocket and proceeds to draw a square with 1m dimensions around him. By the time he is done Galileo turns and says I've found you Newton. Newton replies with "no, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30s0ec/newton_galileo_and_pascal_were_playing_hide_and/
%
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rxe7/a_husband_and_wife_are_trying_to_set_up_a_new/
%
A guy texts his neighbor...

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rvl0/a_guy_texts_his_neighbor/
%
Do you know the Greek version of Monopoly?

It's called Monopoulos and you just borrow all the money from the bank.
Everyone loses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rsj9/do_you_know_the_greek_version_of_monopoly/
%
I'd like to teach under-privelaged kids lattice geometry

Nothing would give me more pleasure than getting at-risk youth hooked on crystal math.
**EDIT** I'm terribly sorry for misspelling under-privileged

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rs9b/id_like_to_teach_underprivelaged_kids_lattice/
%
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

RUN!
She's got a grenade in her mouth!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rs6e/what_do_you_do_if_a_blonde_throws_a_pin_at_you/
%
How do you know your gf is getting fat?

She starts fitting in your wife's clothes...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rrf9/how_do_you_know_your_gf_is_getting_fat/
%
There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, this conflict involved three opposing sides, each one of them desperately wanting victory.
However, as the war meandered on, it became evident to the vikings and French that the Anglos were in the better position. The leaders of both sides decided to set aside their differences and unite against the Anglos. However, English spies determined that the two other sides were making a treaty and notified Anglo government. This led the Anglo king to make a decision to send one his best officers to supervise the signing of the treaty. Not wanting the French and Vikings to catch on to his actions, he decided to have the officer pose as a Germanic feudal king.
On November 11th 1069 (this date has been debated by historians, due to the conversion to the Gregorian calendar), the French and Vikings signed the historic peace treaty in an undisclosed location in France (most historical evidence from this date is lost; documents were presumed to be destroyed by Mongol invaders). Unbeknownst to the French and Vikings, the Anglo officer would be in the room during the official signing of the treaty.
Some say it was his charisma, others say it was his disguise, but historians have verified that the Anglo spy (named Trigon O'Metry) somehow convinced his enemies to permit to sign below their names as a witness. Thus, the era of British espionage began, and the two opposing sides conducted business as usual, neither of their leaders being none the wiser.
Early war industries in France and Sweden worked in overdrive, producing twice the weapons and military supplies than they had earlier, due to the cooperation between the nations. In a poor decision on both sides' part (which ultimately led to the end of the war), both the French and the Vikings decided to pool their resources, sending fleets of vessels into the middle of the sea. The whole fleet would contain all of the resources each empire produced, which if you remember, was twice the normal output. In addition, the French and Vikings each sent their best squire, in preparation for their invasion of the Anglo empire. However, the Anglos knew that they were coming (mostly due to the effectiveness of their spies) so they had sent their best squire, whom they had trained for months. This squire swam all the way across the English channel to the coast of France, where he would single-handedly conquer the French empire.
Not everything went so well for the British. Suspicion by the French general Al-Titude led to the discovery of the British spy. So, O'Metry was then sent to board the vanguard of the Viking-French fleet (or the French-Viking fleet, depending where you're from). However, this fleet was virtually unguarded, which allowed the British to capture them easily.
So began the course of the final battle of the war. The British, having captured the Viking-French fleet and holding it in the French port city of Paris, possessed nearly all of the firepower of the opposing sides. In addition to this, the British rescued their POW spy. The only thing left to defeat was the French and Viking squire, who were stationed in Bordeaux with a new mission to repel the incoming British invasion. Little is known about the battle, but the following is certain:
The squire of the side opposite the Anglo is equivalent to the sum of the squires of the two opposite sides minus twice the products of the opposite sides and the cosign of the Anglo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rltl/there_have_been_few_historical_examples_of_wars/
%
I bought a book on eBay called "How to Scam on eBay".

It still hasn't arrived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rjp2/i_bought_a_book_on_ebay_called_how_to_scam_on_ebay/
%
I hide photos on my computer of me

petting animals at the zoo in a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rj9b/i_hide_photos_on_my_computer_of_me/
%
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Trick question.  Feminists can't change shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rfiy/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Cajun cock fight

The Sheriff down in Lafayette called Thibodeaux into his office.
"We have reports of an illegal cock fighting ring here in the Parrish, go down there tonight and see what's going on." Said the Sheriff
So that evening Thibodeaux put on his street clothes and headed out to the location. He watched and took careful notes.
The next morning he reported back to the Sheriff.
"Deys three groups involved in the cock fights. De Texas Aggies. De cajuns, and de mafia," said Thibodeaux proudly.
"We have been trying to crack this thing for 3 months. How did you figure it out in one night?" Exclaimed the Sheriff.
"Well, it's simple really. I knew dem Aggies wuz involved when someone entered a duck into a cock fight. I knew de Cajuns wuz involved when someone bet on de duck. I knew de mafia was involved when de duck won."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rfdq/cajun_cock_fight/
%
Why do computer programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rem9/why_do_computer_programmers_always_confuse/
%
Paddy and Billy were asked to measure a flagpole.

They're standing looking up at the flagpole trying to figure out how on earth to measure the height of the pole.
A young lady comes along and asks why they look so confused.
"We need to measure the height of this pole" says Billy.
So the young lady pulls the pin out of the bottom to drop the pole, grabs their tape measure and says with a smug grin, "28ft, the pole is 28ft". She then carries on walking.
"Well isn't that a typical know-it-all woman" says Paddy.
"Hows that?" asked Billy.
Paddy replies "Well we need the height of the pole, not the fecking width!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rcdi/paddy_and_billy_were_asked_to_measure_a_flagpole/
%
Chuck Norris once flushed a condom

Three weeks later the ninja turtles were born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rc4w/chuck_norris_once_flushed_a_condom/
%
THE MORTICIAN'S BIG DISCOVERY

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30r08a/the_morticians_big_discovery/
%
The horse and the chicken

Horse and chicken are best buds, the love frolicking in the farm.  One rainy day they get too close to the pond and the horse falls in, getting himself stuck he exclaims, "chicken, save me! I can't swim!"
Always the quick thinker, chicken runs up to the farmers house, grabs the keys to the BMW, backs it up to the pond, then ties a rope around the BMW tow hooks, then ties a rope around the horse, then drives forward thus pulling him to safety.
The horse is saved!!
A few weeks go by and, again, playing by the pond, the chicken gets stuck in the water. "Help! Horse!  Remember how I saved you!? Help, I can't swim!"
The horse responds. "well I can't drive stick. So here, I've an idea, I'll stand over the pond and let my dick hang down, you grab a hold and I'll pull you out."
The chicken is saved!!
The moral of the story is, if you've got a big dick you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30que7/the_horse_and_the_chicken/
%
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

HAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30qshi/whats_whitney_houstons_favorite_type_of/
%
"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"
"The pilot! Let me in!"
.
.
.
Too soon?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30qq35/knock_knock/
%
Bon voyage...

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could throw herself from  the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are  off to Italy  tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring  you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always  wanted to go
to Italy , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable  compartment in the ship's hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He  brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30qijh/bon_voyage/
%
I'll never have a stable job

I don't really enjoy working with horses

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30qhnh/ill_never_have_a_stable_job/
%
You guys know any Sodium jokes?

Na.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30qgqm/you_guys_know_any_sodium_jokes/
%
Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30qehq/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30q9ke/did_you_hear_about_the_dyslexic_devil_worshipper/
%
If I had a rooster, and you had a donkey, and your donkey ate my rooster's feet, what would we have?

Two feet of my cock in your ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30q8uw/if_i_had_a_rooster_and_you_had_a_donkey_and_your/
%
Heaven is...

... where the police are British,
the cooks are Italian,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are French
and it is all organised by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German,
the cooks are English,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss,
and it is all organised by the Italians.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30q8gy/heaven_is/
%
Why can't you make a movie with with Jewish people smoking weed?

You can't show a group of Jews getting baked

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30q7vp/why_cant_you_make_a_movie_with_with_jewish_people/
%
So a Woman had a black eye...

A woman walked into her docters office with a black eye. The doctor said, is he beating you, she replied "Yes."
The next day the woman came back with ANOTHER black eye. This time the doctor said, "I know what to do to help you."
She replied, "Oh really, what?"
The doctor says, "Fill your mouth with Grape juice before you get home, and dont let the grape juice come out of your mouth at all. After he goes to bed, you can spit it out."
The next day, the woman comes back and says, "Oh my God, it worked, how did you know!"
The doctor says, "See, look what happens when you keep your mouth shut."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30q7nh/so_a_woman_had_a_black_eye/
%
The definition of an oxymoron

/r/Productivity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30q7lw/the_definition_of_an_oxymoron/
%
Magic Elixir of Life

A man was walking through Sarasota selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life."
Of course there were complaints and the police arrested him. They ran a background check of him and found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in England . . . . in 1660.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30q788/magic_elixir_of_life/
%
What are three signs old age?

1. Becoming forgetful

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30q6zw/what_are_three_signs_old_age/
%
What do cannibals on a budget eat?

Ramen.
(Sound it out.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30q6b6/what_do_cannibals_on_a_budget_eat/
%
What's black, white, and red all over?

Two nuns in a chainsaw battle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30q60z/whats_black_white_and_red_all_over/
%
Husband: You're like homework

Wife: Why? Are you gonna throw me on the table and do me all day?
Husband: No, leave you alone and masturbate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30puwd/husband_youre_like_homework/
%
Dating a single mother:

It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30psrv/dating_a_single_mother/
%
Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years

Q: What did you do before you were married sir?
A: *with teary eyes* whatever the hell i wanted to do ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ppf8/someone_asked_a_man_who_had_been_married_for_20/
%
I like my cream like I like my slaves.

Whipped.
*I'm so sorry*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30poqw/i_like_my_cream_like_i_like_my_slaves/
%
A lady cooks bunny rabbit meat for dinner...

Kids: Mom , what's for dinner?
Mom: Its a surprise kids, but ill give you a hint .. it's what your father lovingly calls me.
Kids: Ewwww...mom!!!, you cooked a bitch for dinner?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30po7e/a_lady_cooks_bunny_rabbit_meat_for_dinner/
%
An art museum robber is caught when he tries to get away....

A reporter asks him what went wrong with the robbery. He answers " I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30pn9y/an_art_museum_robber_is_caught_when_he_tries_to/
%
What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30pmjl/whats_red_and_bad_for_your_teeth/
%
Two arab brothers open a hotel

Their names are Amil and Abed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30pi9t/two_arab_brothers_open_a_hotel/
%
A grasshopper walks into a bar . . .

A grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender: Ya know, we have a drink named after you!
Grasshopper: You have a drink named Steve?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30phuc/a_grasshopper_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Newlywed Woman In Her 90s Is Interviewed

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.
"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others," she replied with a smile.
"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" the interviewer inquired. "This one will be my fourth," she replied.
"I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher."
"What does your current husband do?"
"Oh he's a funeral director."
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
"It always made sense to me," she replied. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30pg2f/newlywed_woman_in_her_90s_is_interviewed/
%
Computer Science major walks into an English class

The Professor says "Welcome to English 101".
The student panicks.
"What's wrong?" asks the Professor.
"I missed the first 4 English classes".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30pexf/computer_science_major_walks_into_an_english_class/
%
What is the difference between a Mexican and a book?

A book has papers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30pedv/what_is_the_difference_between_a_mexican_and_a/
%
My wife doesn't know...

That every time we have sex, I put a dollar into an envelope that goes toward her Christmas present.  So far, she's getting a candy bar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30pbtb/my_wife_doesnt_know/
%
A Woman Is Cooking Eggs In The Kitchen When Her Husband Comes Running In

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to the fri-
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."
The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30pbpc/a_woman_is_cooking_eggs_in_the_kitchen_when_her/
%
An Australian drives up to a hitch hiker with one eye, no arms, and one leg

And says "Oi! You look 'armless! 'Op in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30pasv/an_australian_drives_up_to_a_hitch_hiker_with_one/
%
Misc religion based puns

What do you call a horse who doesn't believe in God?
Hay-thiest
What do you call a pig who believes in the old gods?
A pag-ham.
What do you call a practitioner of Hinduism who solely worships in the morning?
A Hin-dew.
What do you call a caveman unsure it he believes in tools or not?
Ag-no-stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30p9av/misc_religion_based_puns/
%
I've got a good one, but make sure you're indoors before you read it.

It's an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30p99n/ive_got_a_good_one_but_make_sure_youre_indoors/
%
How do you know when it's okay to swim in a pool of milk?

When it's past your eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30p3nl/how_do_you_know_when_its_okay_to_swim_in_a_pool/
%
Can February march?

No, but April may. :-})

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30p32r/can_february_march/
%
What does a German snake say?

ßßßß

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30p2hh/what_does_a_german_snake_say/
%
So, two guys went hunting

During the hunt, one of them holds his chest, lets out a scream and faints. The other man hurried over, checks his breathing and frantically takes out his cellphone to call 911.
Operator: 911. What's your emergency?
Man: Help! I think my friend is dead! He is not breathing!
Operator: Sir. Please calm down. First, you'll have to make sure your friend is really dead.
Then, a gunshot was heard by the operator.
Man: Okay. What now?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30p144/so_two_guys_went_hunting/
%
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30p0uc/a_blonde_woman_asks_for_a_5000_loan/
%
A pessimist and and an optimist fall off the top of a 100 story building......

The pessimist was heard screaming and cursing as he past the 20th floor. As the optimist fell past he quietly whispered "so far, so good"!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30p02g/a_pessimist_and_and_an_optimist_fall_off_the_top/
%
A jewish guy asks his father for $20

His father replied, "ten dollars?  what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's a quarter.﻿

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ozr3/a_jewish_guy_asks_his_father_for_20/
%
The Human-like Gorilla

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens.
It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it.
So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day
if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo.
People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back,
he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him.
A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror.
Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.
The man starts screaming, "HELP!! HELP!!!"
Suddenly a lion pounces on him from behind and whispers in his ear,
"If you don't shut up you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ovu7/the_humanlike_gorilla/
%
I'm like a single electron...

Sometimes, when no one is watching, I interfere with myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ovcz/im_like_a_single_electron/
%
A guy in a hurry used the ladies toilet at a posh hotel...

A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'..
He sat down and noticed four buttons - WW, WA, PP & APR.
Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much!
He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up.
Still loving it, He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh.
Feeling pampered, he decided to press the last button APR.
He later woke up in a hospital.
A nurse smiled & said to him, Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER. When the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your balls.
Your balls are in the jar over there!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ovb3/a_guy_in_a_hurry_used_the_ladies_toilet_at_a_posh/
%
A horse walks into a bar.

It kicks over the table and shits on the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30osth/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/
%
When I was at school, the school bully used to make me rub my head against a giant piece of sandpaper.

I was no match for him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ooai/when_i_was_at_school_the_school_bully_used_to/
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A Duck Walks Into A Bar

A duck walks into a bar around lunchtime, sits down and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Oh my God, a talking duck! What are you doing here?"
The duck replies, "I'm dry-walling the building across the street. I'll be in town for a few days."
The next day, the duck walks back into the bar and the bartender says,
"Hey duck, I was telling someone about you last night. They're really interested in meeting with you!"
"Is that so?"
"There's a travelling circus in town," the bartender explained.
"The ringmaster was in here last night and thought you'd be a star attraction for them!"
The duck looked puzzled and says, "Why the hell would a circus need a dry-waller?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30omo5/a_duck_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems..

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and
you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like
the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a
question for you. If there were three women eating ice
cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the
second was biting her cone and the third was sucking
her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher
nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said
Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her
finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30olxu/little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class_doing_math/
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Do you know how I know that diarrhea is genetic?

It runs in your jeans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ojm9/do_you_know_how_i_know_that_diarrhea_is_genetic/
%
Sex positions for small penises

Fuck! This isn't Google search. How do I delete this post?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30oiac/sex_positions_for_small_penises/
%
I just got back from the doctors..

And he said I should stop masturbating. I asked "why?" and he said "because I'm trying to examine you".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ohnx/i_just_got_back_from_the_doctors/
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A man signs up for an experimental weight loss program......

......and he is told that they expect him to five pounds on the first day, ten pounds on the second day, and twenty pounds on the third day.
Naturally, the man agrees.  He is brought to a room with a bed and a beautiful woman wearing nothing but a t shirt that says "If you catch me, you can fuck me."  He spends the rest of the day chasing her and loses five pounds.
He returns the second day and is brought to the same room.  In there is an even more beautiful woman wearing a t shirt that says, "Catch me, and you can fuck me" printed on it.  He chases her, catches her, and loses ten pounds.
He is brought to the same room on the third day but, instead of a beautiful woman, there is a huge, angry gorilla wearing a t shirt that says, "If I catch you, I'm gonna fuck you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ogvz/a_man_signs_up_for_an_experimental_weight_loss/
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What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o83e/what_is_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/
%
I was going to have sex with my xbox but..

It made me microsoft

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o7lw/i_was_going_to_have_sex_with_my_xbox_but/
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What do you call a potato that's high?

[A baked potato.](http://www.spudstravels.com/Travel%20Archive/Caribbean/Jamaica_images/Cannabis%20-%20close.jpg)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o2u2/what_do_you_call_a_potato_thats_high/
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What do you call a sarcastic crimminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o2as/what_do_you_call_a_sarcastic_crimminal_going_down/
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Sorry I'm shit faced

Why did the midget go swimming in the kitchen?
There were microwaves.
Sorry I was drunk making popcorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o06r/sorry_im_shit_faced/
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What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nxpr/what_is_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/
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My girlfriend is √ (-100).

She's definitely a 10, but she's imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nvdm/my_girlfriend_is_100/
%
A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified...

He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nv8g/a_programmer_gets_upset_when_he_hears_women/
%
Whats black and screams?

Stevie wonder answering the iron!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ntl6/whats_black_and_screams/
%
It's ok to believe in life after love.

Cher if you agree.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nsnt/its_ok_to_believe_in_life_after_love/
%
Great pickup line...

You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?
Her: Yes.
You: Wanna Traumatize it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nlxk/great_pickup_line/
%
What would you do of you found Chicago, Ill.?

Call Baltimore, M.D.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nldr/what_would_you_do_of_you_found_chicago_ill/
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How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ngur/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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A Black Jewish boy runs home from school and asks his dad, "Dad, am I more Black or more Jewish?" The dad replies "Why do you want to know son?"

The boy says "Because a kid in school is selling a bike for $50 dollars and I don't know whether to talk him down to $40 or just steal it!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nfmr/a_black_jewish_boy_runs_home_from_school_and_asks/
%
What kind of bikes do girls ride?

Menstrual Cycles
(I'm 99% sure I made this up!)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nee8/what_kind_of_bikes_do_girls_ride/
%
A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen

He comes back and finds another note: "me too"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nbno/a_man_goes_to_the_restroom_and_leaves_his_drink/
%
A teacher is teaching...

a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nb3h/a_teacher_is_teaching/
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A very old German veteran took the bus home after visiting a history museum.

On the bus, he decided to take a quick 10 minute nap.
When he woke up, his shoes were gone.
Surprised, he asked the young lady sitting beside him if she had seen it. She replied in the negative.
After some more minutes of searching around without success, his frustration turned into anger. Feeling he was being pranked, he began to speak in a loud voice, addressing the entire passengers of the bus.
"If I don't find my shoes, the events of 1958 would repeat itself today!"
This did not go down well with other passengers and they did not like his tone or threat. The man was unfazed by their disapproval and repeated himself louder.
"If I don't find my shoes, what happened in 1958 would happen here again. You've all been warned!"
Thankfully, the lady beside him spotted his shoes tucked behind a bag, she handed them to him asking what happened in 1958 that he threatened to repeat. The German replied.
"I had to walk home barefooted"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n8q1/a_very_old_german_veteran_took_the_bus_home_after/
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What's better than roses on a piano?

Two-lips on your organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n6x6/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/
%
My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular herpes.

Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n6bu/my_eyes_have_been_bugging_me_recently_so_i_went/
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What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n4ny/whats_the_hardest_part_of_eating_a_vegetable/
%
Honey, I just won the lottery!

-- Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack some suitcases!
-- That's fantastic! Should I pack summer or winter clothing?
-- I don't care, but I want you gone by tomorrow!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n4dn/honey_i_just_won_the_lottery/
%
What do you call it when prisoners take their own mugshots?

Cellfies
^I'm^so^sorry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n457/what_do_you_call_it_when_prisoners_take_their_own/
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I fucked a girl for 1 hour and 45 seconds tonight

Thanks daylight savings

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n25z/i_fucked_a_girl_for_1_hour_and_45_seconds_tonight/
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Why did the scarecrow receive a Nobel Prize?

He was outstanding in his field.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n1zq/why_did_the_scarecrow_receive_a_nobel_prize/
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Grandma has golfers by the balls..

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £ 20 note fell out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Damn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me constable."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really annoy me - kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me £ 20, or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
She replied: "Not everybody pays!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mzv0/grandma_has_golfers_by_the_balls/
%
What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit The Frog's fingers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mzm0/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/
%
What ethnic group do cannibals eat on thanksgiving?

Turkish

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mz69/what_ethnic_group_do_cannibals_eat_on_thanksgiving/
%
How did feminism start?

Some guy forgot to lock the kitchen door

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mtwh/how_did_feminism_start/
%
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mn8s/how_do_you_make_holy_water/
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What gun does Jesus hate the most?

The nail gun.
So sorry if this offends you
Credit to the /r/pka podcast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mlal/what_gun_does_jesus_hate_the_most/
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Einstein, Newton & Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein starts counting "1...2...3..." and Pascal immediately runs away to hide. Instead of hiding Newton knees down and draws a square of one meter side length. Then he steps inside of it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around. He instantly yells "Newton I have found you!" But Newton replies: "No, what you see is one Newton over one square meter - so what you have found is one Pascal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mkud/einstein_newton_pascal_are_playing_hide_and_seek/
%
What sex position makes ugly babies?

Ask your parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mk3k/what_sex_position_makes_ugly_babies/
%
A roast beef walks into a bar...

Bartender says "Hey! Get the hell out of here! We don't serve food here"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mjgc/a_roast_beef_walks_into_a_bar/
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David wanted a set of of twins very badly, so he asked his friend Mike for advice.

David asked him, "You have three sets of twins, three!  Tell me, what is your secret!"
"I'll tell you," replied Mike, "but you gotta do exactly as I say."
David nodded his head fervently, "Okay, okay, tell me!"
"So, it's a four day process," Mike started, "The first day, you gotta play with her vagina, get her real fired up and horny.  But stop there, don't have sex yet."
David stood in rapt attention.
"The second day, play with it again.  Get her really turned on, use toys if you have to."
David was getting excited
"Now the third day, reallllly turn it up a notch.  I'm talking about crank it up to eleven."
"Yeah!  Yeah!" David interjected, "And the fourth day?!"
"The fourth day," Mike said, "on the fourth day, you call me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mhh6/david_wanted_a_set_of_of_twins_very_badly_so_he/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mc22/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
I use to be addicted to soap

I'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m94x/i_use_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
%
So I was having sex with a girl from work...

She wasn't really into it, and then to make matters worse my boss walked in on us.
Long story short, I lost my job at the morgue.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m8sk/so_i_was_having_sex_with_a_girl_from_work/
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Why was Jesus not born in West Virginia?

Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
Gf sent me this when she was driving through the state.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m7kk/why_was_jesus_not_born_in_west_virginia/
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A programmers wife tells him...

"Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.
@SciencePorn tweeted this, I saw it there, don't know the original source.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m7cu/a_programmers_wife_tells_him/
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What do you call the act of lying about Penis size?

A Phallacy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m6ta/what_do_you_call_the_act_of_lying_about_penis_size/
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m4cz/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/
%
Why did the dyslexic engineer fail college?

Because he didn't understand psychics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m32b/why_did_the_dyslexic_engineer_fail_college/
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Everything you wish for, your wife gets two of

So,  I found a magic lamp and the genie said I get 3 wishes but with a catch,  everything I wish for, my wife gets double.
My first wish was for a car,  my wife gets two cars.
My second wish was for a house,  my wife got two houses.
Then for my final wish,  I asked to be beaten half to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m27u/everything_you_wish_for_your_wife_gets_two_of/
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What goes CLOP CLOP CLOP, BANG BANG, CLOP CLOP CLOP?

An Amish drive-by shooting

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m192/what_goes_clop_clop_clop_bang_bang_clop_clop_clop/
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What do you get when you combine a mountain climber with a mosquito?

Nothing! You can't cross scalars and vectors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m11q/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_a_mountain/
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Man with premature ejaculation seeks understanding woman.

Nevermind, I'm done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30luq7/man_with_premature_ejaculation_seeks/
%
Everytime this dude goes to a bar, he orders three beers..

.. but he orders the three beers at once, and sits by himself in his chair, enjoying his loneliness, with the three bears before him. He'd drink one, then go the next one, and then the last one.
Since the dude did this day after day, the bartender couldn't help but notice, and decided to ask the man what was the deal with the three bears.
"You know" the bartender said, trying to be as casual as possible, to conceal his curiosity. "You take a little while to get from one beer to another, the next ones will be warm and washed-out. Why don't you order the first one beer at a time?"
The man listened to the question silently, gazing into one of the beers. He looks up and answers with a deep nostalgic voice tone:
"We used to be unseparable. My friends and I. When we were single, we would every night go to a bar, have our beers and chat. But destiny has it's own reasons, right? We had to drift apart for several reasons: marriage, work... but we swore that we would always keep the good old times alive by going to a bar, and ordering three beers.. knowing the others would be doing it too, wherever they are. My name is Peter, by the way."
The bartender was speechless. It was a damn good reason to do such a silly ritual. So he left the guy alone with his beers.
And every night, Peter would appear, order his three beers and chug them quietly in his little corner, without exchanging words with anyone except for the bartender, sometimes about life, sometimes tales about his friendship and the crazy shit they did together. Newman was a smooth ladies-man. Joshua was the one who did everyone laugh. Night after night, three beers in their honour. Then one night, Peter ordered only two beers.
The bartender looked to the man with a concerned look - Peter was visibly not alright, and with one beer less, this could only mean one thing: one of his friends had passed. Would it be Newman and his glorious dick? Would it be Joshua? Once again, his curiosity got the best of him.
"I'm very sorry, Peter. Which one? And.. what happened?"
"Nah, they're just fine, I just quit drinking."
*chugs*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lu4o/everytime_this_dude_goes_to_a_bar_he_orders_three/
%
What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lqfm/what_do_you_call_immigrants_to_sweden/
%
So there was this guy

And he was lost in the woods for days eventually he finds this random 2 floor wodden shack and he goes and knocks on the door.
An old Chinese man answers who looks like he was alive when the dinosours ruled the earth.
The young man who was lost explained his situation and begged for food and water.
The old man agreed on the condition that the young man didn't make a move on his sister or he would face the three worst Chinese tortures. Looking at how old the man was the you man agreed and was let in. He was taken to a spare room and stayed there until dinner.
When he came down for dinner there was this gorgeous specimen an 11/10 girl and the young man couldn't keep his eyes off her but remembering the old mans threat he did his best not to look. However, the entire meal the girl was obviously flirting with him and so the young man ran to his room.
Hours passed but the man couldn't sleep he could only think about the girl. Eventually he said fuck it and would risk the old mans wrath. So he snuck into the girls room and proceeded to have the best sex he had ever had and the crept back to his room.
The next morning the man woke to find a heavy rock on his chest with a note that said "Chinese torture #1 rock on chest". The rock was painful but if this was the best the old man had then the young man could survive.
At that moment the old man came into the room picked up the rock and threw it out the window and pointed to a sign under the window. " Chinese totrure #2 rock tied to left testicle".
The young man without thinking jumped out the window after the rock thinking a few broken bones was better than losing a nut.
It was as he was falling to the ground that the young man saw the third sign "Chinese torture #3 right testicle tied to bed post",

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lpv6/so_there_was_this_guy/
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What do you call two roosters having a fight?

A Cock-a-Doodle-Duel!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lpfc/what_do_you_call_two_roosters_having_a_fight/
%
Saying sniggers isn't very politically correct

I now say laughrican americans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lnim/saying_sniggers_isnt_very_politically_correct/
%
I know the kids don't like you and pick on you, but you have to go to school...

you're the teacher!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30llys/i_know_the_kids_dont_like_you_and_pick_on_you_but/
%
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30llx0/why_cant_miss_piggy_count_to_70/
%
Probably old but one of my favorites.

A husband and wife get into a horrible car accident.  They are taken to the emergency room.  The doctor says to the husband, "you seem to have come out of the accident without a scratch.  However, your wife is not so lucky.  She has multiple lifelong, debilitating injuries.  Because of her condition you will have to feed her, bathe her, dress her and do pretty much everything else for her as long as you are together."  Naturally, the husband starts crying uncontrollably.  The doctor laughs and says, "I'm just messing with you.  She's dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lkfs/probably_old_but_one_of_my_favorites/
%
4 guys are hanging out

And they were really bored. So the Zoophile has an idea to heighten the mood. He tells them, "let's take a cat and let's rape it." The Sadist says "let's take the cat, rape it, and then stab it." The arsonist says "let's take the cat, rape it, stab it, and then set it on fire." After a long pause, the masochist says "meow."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ljr5/4_guys_are_hanging_out/
%
A Mafia Godfather...

... finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ldv9/a_mafia_godfather/
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I finally got hired at the local adult store

First day on the job I got a raise!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ld99/i_finally_got_hired_at_the_local_adult_store/
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Sherlock & Watson go Camping! Best joke ever

ONE of the BEST JOKES EVER!! Hasn't been posted in the last 3 days.. so here it goes!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l9k3/sherlock_watson_go_camping_best_joke_ever/
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I hate hipsters

Their vegan diets, whiskery faces, tiny feet, and sawdust bedding. Oh wait, hamsters, I hate hamsters

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l8o5/i_hate_hipsters/
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"I was going to attend the clairvoyants meeting..."

"...but it was canceled due to unforeseen events."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l7ie/i_was_going_to_attend_the_clairvoyants_meeting/
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What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line?

A barbie queue (BBQ)!
Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad.
http://imgur.com/gallery/he4epJo/
I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to oblivion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l4bk/what_do_you_get_when_you_have_barbie_dolls/
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Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?

He only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l3n0/why_doesnt_santa_claus_have_any_kids/
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Why can't Mexicans play Uno?

They always steal the green cards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kz75/why_cant_mexicans_play_uno/
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An old blind cowboy...

An old blind cowboy accidentally walks into an all female biker bar. He takes a seat at the bar, and blurts out, "Who here wants to hear a dumb-blonde joke?" The whole bar goes quiet for a moment, then the biker next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, there's three things you ought to know. 1. The bouncer is blonde, is 6'5" and has a billy club. 2. The bartender is blonde too, and she has a baseball bat. And 3. I'm a blonde, professional weight lifter and wrestler. So tell me cowboy, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The old blind cowboy, looking disappointed, shakes his head and says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30koqd/an_old_blind_cowboy/
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A city slicker moves to the countryside...

... and is visited by his nearest neighbor, the rancher who lives 5 miles distant.
The rancher says, "Welcome to the neighborhood! I'm having a party tomorrow, and you're invited."
The city slicker says, "Well, that's very very neighborly of you. Thank you."
Rancher says, "Though I should warn you, there's a-gonna be some heavy drinkin'."
City slicker says, "That's okay, I've done my share of drinking."
Rancher says, "And there's probably a-gonna be some fightin', too."
City slicker says, "Well... that's okay,  I can keep my own peace."
Rancher says, "And there's a-gonna be some sex, too."
City slicker says, "I'm fine with that. So... is there anything I should bring to the party?"
Rancher says, "Naw, it's just a-gonna be you and me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30klyq/a_city_slicker_moves_to_the_countryside/
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Riddle: What has wings but can't fly, legs but can't walk, and a mouth but can't speak?

A dead bird

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kkmu/riddle_what_has_wings_but_cant_fly_legs_but_cant/
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Why do all the lesbians shop at The Sports Authority?

Because they don't like Dicks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kkep/why_do_all_the_lesbians_shop_at_the_sports/
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Tickle Me Elmo Factory

The Tickle Me Elmo factory has just hired a new employee, and today's her first day on the job. The plant manager gives her a quick tour of the assembly line, then shows the employee her station at the end of the line where she will be operating. The morning whistle blows and production on the line begins churning out red fluffy children's toys one after another.
Within an hour, production has halted, the line is backed up and the manager is forced from his office to see what's going on in the factory. The other employees all point to the new worker at the end of the line. The manager walks over to find the new worker, outfitted with a sewing machine, a bag of marbles, and a spool of red fluffy Elmo fabric- all of which were not there when he sat her down at the beginning of the day.
In horror, the manager connects the dots and realizes what has happened... A group of Tickle Me Elmo dolls lay in a pile, all with fluffy pouches sewn between their legs. He screams "What have you done!" To which a shocked employee on her first day responds, "What you told me to do!"
"No!" Screams the manager, "I told you to give them two TEST-TICKLES!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kgvm/tickle_me_elmo_factory/
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A pants-shitting offer from the afterlife

Saint Peter was right outside heaven's gate, sitting on his little wooden desk. In front of him, there was a queue of freshly arrived souls waiting to be approved into heaven.
Saint Peter saw a man on the queue who was particularly upset; grunting and throwing fist on the air. When he got to the desk he firmly claimed it was a mistake and demanded to be brought back to life to his beloved wife, children and cats (while banging his fists on the table).
Saint Peter calmly checked his files and figured out this man was actually right, the angels of death had made a mistake. The man protested, he wanted to live again. Saint Peter told him it was impossible, but had on offer at hand for him: he could come back to the world... as an animal, not a human.
He could choose any animal he wanted.
The man thought about it, he didn't wanted to be an ugly nasty cockroach, neither a tiger since he would have to fight. He went for a spider. A tiny, insignificant spider.
ABRACADABRA
The miracle was made, and now he was a spider at the top of the tree. He was amused. He wanted to make a web, so started pushing it out of his ass. PUSH... again, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH...
And suddenly, a voice: "HONEY, WAKE UP, YOU SHIT YOUR FUCKING PANTS!! OH MY GOD, ALL OVER THE BED!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kgod/a_pantsshitting_offer_from_the_afterlife/
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Race Horse Joke/tongue twister

One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kg7s/race_horse_joketongue_twister/
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Ice Bank Mice Elf

(repeat this 10 times fast)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30keff/ice_bank_mice_elf/
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this --- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked and said, “asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kdiy/an_85yearold_man_was_requested_by_his_doctor_to/
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Do you know what a Freudian slip is?

It's where you say one thing but fuck your mother.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30k7qe/do_you_know_what_a_freudian_slip_is/
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I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30k7lq/i_was_at_a_restaurant_and_my_waitress_had_a_black/
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Me: Why is gay marriage such an issue now-a-days?

Friend: Because people are FUCKING ASSHOLES!
This can be taken in two ways and both are correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30k2nn/me_why_is_gay_marriage_such_an_issue_nowadays/
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How do you make a 90's kid mad?

The game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30k0mm/how_do_you_make_a_90s_kid_mad/
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What do you call a female chicken that goes "cock-a-doodle-doo"?

A lesbi-hen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30k06y/what_do_you_call_a_female_chicken_that_goes/
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Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the shit out of their dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jz8l/why_dont_blind_people_skydive/
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Whitney Houston is 3 Years sober!

Wow! Never thought it would happen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jz6z/whitney_houston_is_3_years_sober/
%
I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"
"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.
"Well, neither would Pete,"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jz4u/i_was_in_the_pub_last_night_when_the_barman_asked/
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I was fighting with my wife over the arrangement of the dining-room furniture.

I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jycc/i_was_fighting_with_my_wife_over_the_arrangement/
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Irish Ghost

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of
the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a
big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into
the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody
behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving
slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before
the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the
window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched
as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.. Wet
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...
And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other....
'Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were
pushing it!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jt45/irish_ghost/
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they.... lactose.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jsjb/why_do_cows_have_hooves_instead_of_feet/
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Why should Rihanna date the Edmonton Oilers?

Because they don't beat anybody.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jq21/why_should_rihanna_date_the_edmonton_oilers/
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What do you call a black man flying an aeroplane?...

... a pilot, you racist fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jp5p/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_flying_an_aeroplane/
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My girlfriend has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh.

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jof2/my_girlfriend_has_a_seashell_tattooed_on_her/
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I can't believe my roommate thinks I have boundary issues...

at least that's what her diary said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jo35/i_cant_believe_my_roommate_thinks_i_have_boundary/
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How come blind people never tell bad jokes?

Because they can't "see themselves out"
:D
..I'll.. I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jmdq/how_come_blind_people_never_tell_bad_jokes/
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What you got there, boy?

A boy is walking down a country lane, past an old codger's house, carrying a roll of chicken wire.
"What you got there, boy?" asks the old man.
"Well, sir. This here's chicken wire so I'm gonna go git me some chickens", replies the youth.
"Pshaw! You're crazy son", says the coot, and goes back to his whittling.
However, within about 20 minutes, he sees the boy strolling back the other way with several chickens bound up in his chicken wire. "Well, I'll be damned." he thinks to himself.
A short time later, he again sees the boy walking down the lane, this time carrying a roll of tape. "What you doin' now, boy?" he asks.
"Well, sir, this here's duck tape so I'm gonna go git me some ducks!" the boy replies cheerfully.
"Son, you can't catch no ducks with tape!" demands the aged clodhopper and, chortling, settles back down to his Rush Limbaugh show and grumbling about them *goddamned lib'rals*.
Amazingly, within a few minutes, he sees the boy walking back the way he came with several fine-looking ducks, quacking and struggling, bound tightly in the duct tape. "Well, I'll be damned." he thinks to himself for the second time that day.
Twenty minutes later, he sees the boy walking down the lane again, carrying several long tree branches.
"What you doin' *now* boy?" asks the crusty old yokel.
The boy says, "Well, sir, this here's pussywillow and I'm--"
"Hold on, son. Lemme get my hat!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jhpz/what_you_got_there_boy/
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A guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig

So a guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig. After years, he gets sexual urges and his mind visualizes the pig as a super hot woman. Everytime he tries to get the pig alone and put his arm around it, the dog starts barking loudly and scaring the pig to run away. One day a super beautiful lady gets washed ashore. He nurses her back to health and takes care of her. One day he's sitting right next to her staring at the beautiful sunset then leans into her ear and whispers " hey, can you go take the dog for a walk".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jgev/a_guy_gets_shipwrecked_onto_an_island_with_a_dog/
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A priest is in a great flood...

The water level is quickly rising, but he has faith that the lord will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails on up.
"Hey there," he says. "Need a lift?"
The priest shakes his head. "No, for I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find those more in need."
The rowboat heads off, and soon the water is up to the priest's chest. As he's struggling, a large motorboat rides up with a young couple on it.
"Hey!" the man says. "Jump on, we'll take you to safety!"
The priest again shakes his head. "No, I have faith that the lord will save me. Find those more in need."
The couple heads off. The water is now up to the priest's neck, and he's having issues staying afloat. A rescue boat loaded with supplies comes racing up to him.
"Grab my hand!" the captain yells. "We gotta get out of here!"
"No!" The priest yells. "There are others who need help. I assure you, the lord will save me!"
Reluctantly, the rescue boat rides off. Sadly, the water becomes too much for the priest to deal with... he goes under, and he never comes up.
He finds himself in heaven, absolutely stunned. After going through the pearly gates, he walks straight up to God himself.
"Lord," the priest says, "I spent my life devoted to you. I truly believed that you would protect me through the hardest times in my life. Yet when I needed you most, when my life was at stake, you weren't there for me!"
"What are you talking about?" God replies. "I tried like three times!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jcd9/a_priest_is_in_a_great_flood/
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3 married couples ask to join a church

One couple is in their 60s, another around 40, and the last are newly-weds in their late twenties. The priest says that they will have to go celibate for two weeks to prove their commitment to the church, and to check back in then. Two weeks go by and the 3 couples come back to talk with the priest, and he asks each of them in turn how the celibacy went. The older couple says, "We've been married a while and it wasn't hard to not have sex."
The priest says, "Good you're in!" then he asks the middle couple.
The wife says, "we made it through the two weeks, but it was hard at times to not do it."
The priest says, "Good, you're in!" He then asks the recently married couple.
The husband says, "We almost made it the two weeks but two days ago my wife here bent down and i just couldn't resist the temptation."
"Well I'm sorry but you're not welcome in this church," the priest says.
"That would make sense," The young wife said. "We aren't welcome back in the supermarket either."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30j89j/3_married_couples_ask_to_join_a_church/
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There's a new band called "1023Mb"

They don't have any gigs yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30j5rb/theres_a_new_band_called_1023mb/
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Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock

-Who's there?
-The plane captain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30j530/knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock_knock/
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What kind of hotdog did the Buddha order from the street vendor?

One with everything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30j3h6/what_kind_of_hotdog_did_the_buddha_order_from_the/
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I, too, went to a mixed religion seminar...

...But in the hopes of learning more about charity. First I asked a Buddhist monk: "How do you decide what to give away and what to keep for yourself?" "Child's play", he said. "I draw a small circle in the ground, throw my money into the air, and what falls outside of the circle I give to Buddha". Next I asked a catholic priest. "Easy my son", he told me. "All I do is draw a small circle in earth, throw my money to the heavens, and what falls into the circle I give to God". Finally, I asked a Rabbi. "Simple!" he answered. "I throw my money into the air and what god wants, he takes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30j0tr/i_too_went_to_a_mixed_religion_seminar/
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What's the biggest advantage to living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30iyn7/whats_the_biggest_advantage_to_living_in/
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I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough
I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30iwz4/i_used_to_work_in_a_bakery_didnt_really_enjoy_it/
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Communism and nude beaches have one thing in common

The idea sounds great unless you've actually been there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30iwn6/communism_and_nude_beaches_have_one_thing_in/
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How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

Trick question. No one knows, they never get the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30iwgj/how_many_divorced_men_does_it_take_to_change_a/
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If at first you don't succeed

Skydiving may not be for you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ivfu/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/
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So man goes to prison

On the first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.
He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter.
" What's going on?" he asked his cellmate.
"Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier."
"Oh," he says, "can I try?"
" Sure, go ahead."
So, he yells out "102!" and the place goes nuts. People are whooping and laughing in a hysteria. He looks at his cellmate rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.
"Wow, good joke huh?"
"Yeah! We ain't never heard that one before!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ir5w/so_man_goes_to_prison/
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What did Michael Jackson say to the Vegetables?

Just beet it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ipxe/what_did_michael_jackson_say_to_the_vegetables/
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My friend Oscar met Leonardo DiCaprio and told him a joke.

He didn't get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ikc8/my_friend_oscar_met_leonardo_dicaprio_and_told/
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday

& the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said: 'Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?'
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. I misplaced me hat & I really really love that hat. McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I noticed that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied: "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I mustn't steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a vast smile & said: "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat, than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father! After ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30iga6/murphy_showed_up_at_mass_one_sunday/
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One day jesus was manning the gates for St Peter...

One day Jesus was manning  the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered "Pinocchio?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ian6/one_day_jesus_was_manning_the_gates_for_st_peter/
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Why was the dyslexic atheist a cat person?

He doesn't believe in dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i908/why_was_the_dyslexic_atheist_a_cat_person/
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A Thai Love Story

A man was lying in bed with his new Thai wife.
After great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls -- something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because," she replied, "I miss mine."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i8vd/a_thai_love_story/
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World's Greatest Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, cookies, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.  She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but *I'm* William, this little bastard's name is Kevin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i86a/worlds_greatest_grandfather/
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Why'd the cookie go to the hospital?

It was feeling a little crumby.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i665/whyd_the_cookie_go_to_the_hospital/
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A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i4ko/a_husband_will_only_have_sex_with_his_wife_on_one/
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You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i2sw/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_skydive/
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Gay jokes aren't funny

Come on guys

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i24k/gay_jokes_arent_funny/
%
My girlfriend was on her.

So I put it in her:

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hz13/my_girlfriend_was_on_her/
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I was looking for a subtle way to describe my penis...

...and then I went to /r/minimalism...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hyia/i_was_looking_for_a_subtle_way_to_describe_my/
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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner...

...but he doesn't tell his kids what kind of meat it is. He decides to make them work for it and gives them the clue "Your mum sometimes calls me this instead of my name". The young girl pushes it away, "Ew! I'm not eating asshole, Dad!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hvbn/a_man_kills_a_deer_and_takes_it_home_to_cook_for/
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Hobo paint job

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door.   When the farm owner answers,   the hobo asks him,   "Please,   sir,   could you give me something to eat?   I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says,   "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people.   I've never given anything away for nothing.   However,   if you go around the back,   you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush.   If you will paint my porch,   I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door.   The owner says,   "Finished already?   Good.   Come on in.   Sit down.   The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says,   "Thank you very much,   sir.   But there's something that I think you should know.   It's not a Porsche you got there.   It's a BMW."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hsdh/hobo_paint_job/
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Is your name Gravity ?

Cause you're attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hqs2/is_your_name_gravity/
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Parallel lines have so much in common.

It's a shame they will never meet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hpwp/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/
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What do you call a mexican fighting a priest...

Alien Vs Predator

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hpsw/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_fighting_a_priest/
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Two guys are sitting next to each other at a bar on the top of the empire state building.

As they're talking one mentions that because of the way the winds wrap around the building if you jump off from the balcony on the east side you'll be pushed back into that open window on the tenth story. The other claims he's full of it. So the first guy gets off his stool, walks to the edge and jumps. Sure enough to the second ones astonishment he goes all the way down to the tenth story and in the window. A few minutes later the 1st man gets off the elevator and sits back down. "That was luck" says the second man! "Nope, works every time. Watch" He gets up off his stool and does it again. Sure enough he reaches the 10th story and goes in the window. After he steps off the elevator and sits down the 2nd man says to him. "That's amazing, I've got to try it!" So the second man leaps from the balcony and falls all the way to his death.
The bartender looks at the first man and says "You really are an asshole when you drink Superman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30howc/two_guys_are_sitting_next_to_each_other_at_a_bar/
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I gave a homeless guy some cheese today.

I feel gouda 'bout it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hoqf/i_gave_a_homeless_guy_some_cheese_today/
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A deaf couple discussed "signals" for when either wants sex in the dark

The couple layed down the signals for when either wants to have sex when they were in bed with the lights off.
The wife signs to the husband "If you want to have sex, cup my left breast, but if you don't want sex, just hug me around the middle"
The husband then signs "If you want to have sex, just tug once on my penis, but if you don't want to have sex, just tug on my penis 100 times"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hoh8/a_deaf_couple_discussed_signals_for_when_either/
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Why aren't there very many jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones?

The punchline is too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hmr8/why_arent_there_very_many_jokes_about_the/
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I went for a walk in a cemetery this morning and saw a man crouching behind a tombstone. I said "morning"

He replied "no, just taking a shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hmnv/i_went_for_a_walk_in_a_cemetery_this_morning_and/
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Teacher With student..

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hlr2/teacher_with_student/
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A man goes to a bar

. He just had a fight with his wife and he want to drown his worries in whisky.
As he drinks, his worries fade away. Soon enough, he is piss-drunk and then he realizes: "Holy shit, my wife is going to kill me! It's almost the middle of the dawn and I'm here, shitfaced and far from home"
So he get up to leave, only to fall face-first on the floor immediately. He can't even walk. "fcknn damnit", the man wisely slurs to himself. He ends up dragging himself with his bare fucking hands all the way home. He doesn't want to wake up his wife, so he just let himself drift away in the couch when he finally arrives.
The next morning, when they wake up, his wife is pissed. He is pissed too, but in a less metaphorical way.
"You spent the night in the bar, didn't you, you little shit" the wife throws at him.
"No, I didn't! I swear!"
"Don't lie to me, dammit! The barman called, you forgot your wheelchair there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hf5d/a_man_goes_to_a_bar/
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An old man goes to a job interview...

The HR Director asks him: "What would you say is your greatest weakness?"
The old man replies, "Honesty"
The HR Director says, "I don't really think honesty could be considered a weakness."
To which the old man says, "I don't really give a crap what you think"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hd3i/an_old_man_goes_to_a_job_interview/
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What did the fish say when he hit the wall?

Dam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h801/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_hit_the_wall/
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So I went to a mixed religion seminar...

The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”
I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
If I have inadvertently upset anyone, I apologize. It was just meant as a joke intended 2 give u a chuckle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h7hs/so_i_went_to_a_mixed_religion_seminar/
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The War on Terrorism....

....God's way of teaching Geography to Americans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h476/the_war_on_terrorism/
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The CIA was looking for new operatives

For the final test only three candidates are left, two men and a woman.
So, for this final test the first man steps in front of the testing committee and is told his final task:
"As an operative for the CIA you will be stationed abroad, you will be in complicated and dangerous situations and you need to have a clear focus, a mind free of any distractions and be willing to do whatever it takes to finish your assignments. To prove that you are able to do this you need to show us that you are willing to sever your ties with the past and follow even the most disturbing commands.
Behind this door you will find your fiancee tied to a chair and a gun. We need you to go in there and shoot her to prove that you are determined to become an operative."
The guy swallows hard and steps through the door. For a few moments there is silence, then the committee hears a muffled conversation and a lot of weeping. After a few minutes the man comes out of the room, head hanging, eyes red from crying and says "I'm sorry, I can't do this, this is too much for me."
The second man steps infront of the committee, same task (it's his wife), he enters the room, silence, arguing, pleading, weeping, guy comes out, "I can't do this, I love my wife, I am so sorry."
Finally the woman enters, same task, it's her boyfriend, she enters the room.
Silence, crying, pleading and suddenly loud commotion. After a few minutes the noise stops and the woman comes back out through the door, out of breath, sprayed in blood and saying
"What the fuck, there were only blanks in that gun, so I had to beat the fucker to death with the chair."
PS:English is not my first language, feel free to correct my spelling/grammar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h3xr/the_cia_was_looking_for_new_operatives/
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Cat Race

So, England and France have a friendly contest to see which country is superior. They do this by having a cat race, in which the French cat, 'Un Duex Trois, and English cat 'One Two Three' will race across the channel.
The race starts and One Two Three cat speeds across the water, easily winning.
Unfortunately, Un Deux Trois cat sank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h19h/cat_race/
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An Indian man on his death bed..

An Indian man on his death bed.
"Sanjita, my wife, are you here?"
"Yes, my husband."
"My son and daughter, are you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Then who's in the fucking shop?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gzt8/an_indian_man_on_his_death_bed/
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Took the shell off my racing snail to see if I could make it go faster...

Just made it a bit sluggish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gzhw/took_the_shell_off_my_racing_snail_to_see_if_i/
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Who Says Men Don't Remember

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gyu4/who_says_men_dont_remember/
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A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds..

A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.
Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gud8/a_recent_survey_has_shown_that_50_of_all_newlyweds/
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Said to a cashier the other day...

So I was making a purchase and after ringing up my order, the cashier asks "would you like to make a donation to cancer treatment research?"
I said "no, they're just gonna spend it on drugs"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gsua/said_to_a_cashier_the_other_day/
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The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage...

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge -thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slaps her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gspg/the_pope_and_the_queen_of_england_are_on_the_same/
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Two Guys Both Lose Their Wives In A Grocery Store

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's okay, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
The old guy replies, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gsl9/two_guys_both_lose_their_wives_in_a_grocery_store/
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Why are dead baby jokes the best?

Because they never get old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gpmb/why_are_dead_baby_jokes_the_best/
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I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died..

I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the fucking ladder?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gp7h/ill_never_forget_what_my_grandfather_said_to_me/
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A man met a beautiful lady...

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck reverse piked with a double twist. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30go97/a_man_met_a_beautiful_lady/
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Do you guys like Civil War jokes?

Because General Lee I don't find them funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gg0p/do_you_guys_like_civil_war_jokes/
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Want to here a word I just made up?

Plagiarism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ger4/want_to_here_a_word_i_just_made_up/
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Hold that ugly baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gadp/hold_that_ugly_baby/
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How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30g85w/how_did_the_farmer_find_his_wife/
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Want to hear a joke about nitric oxide?

NO

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30g7mm/want_to_hear_a_joke_about_nitric_oxide/
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I recently found out that I'm colorblind...

It came out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30g0so/i_recently_found_out_that_im_colorblind/
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What do asparagus and anal sex have in common?

The more it's forced on you as a child, the more you dislike it as an adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30fzma/what_do_asparagus_and_anal_sex_have_in_common/
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What do you give a sick bird?

A tweetment

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30fwx6/what_do_you_give_a_sick_bird/
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Which detective investigates electrical crimes?

Sherlock Ohms
That's why his partner is called Wattson...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ftfk/which_detective_investigates_electrical_crimes/
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What is the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The Polar Bear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30fq2a/what_is_the_stupidest_animal_in_the_jungle/
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Isis has hidden bombs inside alphabet spaghettios.

If they go off they could spell disaster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30fpql/isis_has_hidden_bombs_inside_alphabet_spaghettios/
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My girlfriend's family are quite strict. I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parent's house, and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which is a shame, because he's very attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30fpfe/my_girlfriends_family_are_quite_strict_i_remember/
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Free beer for the person who can pass this test!

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender:  "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.  SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.  THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm.  You gotta make things right for her.
Man:  Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it.  You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez  zat teeqeelah?"  He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30fgip/free_beer_for_the_person_who_can_pass_this_test/
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my dogs in jail..

for watching kitty porn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30fexf/my_dogs_in_jail/
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Whats the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

You can´t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30femz/whats_the_difference_between_a_truckload_of/
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Superman was flying around Metropolis...[slightly NSFW]

Superman was flying around Metropolis one day using his Supervision to stop wrongdoers. As he is flying by the beach he spies Wonder Woman sunbathing face down, completely naked. So he thinks to himself, "I'll never get another chance like this I've always wanted to Superbone her so here's what I'll do: I'll fly down there, give her some Supersauce faster than a speeding bullet, and be out of there before she knows what happened." So he proceeds to fly down to the beach, fulfills a lifelong dream, and is out of there faster than a speeding bullet. Wonder Woman immediately sits up and says, "What the fuck was that?" And the Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30fb7w/superman_was_flying_around_metropolisslightly_nsfw/
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30f99a/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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I know it's illegal for me to cook my own alcohol...

But still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30f0yf/i_know_its_illegal_for_me_to_cook_my_own_alcohol/
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A nurse reaches into her pocket and finds a rectal thermometer...

"Ugh, some asshole has my pen", she thought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ezt6/a_nurse_reaches_into_her_pocket_and_finds_a/
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Not so funny after all.

Little Jimmy came home from school one day and walked into his parents bedroom, where he saw his mom and dad going at it.
Without his mother seeing, Jimmy's dad gave his son a thumbs up and kept on going. The next day Jimmy's father comes home from work and walks into his son's room to see what he was up to.
When he walked in he saw Jimmy had his grandmother tied to the bed and was doing unimaginable things to her..His father yelled "JIMMY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Jimmy replied....."It's not so funny when its YOUR mom, huh?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30exi9/not_so_funny_after_all/
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My parents always said I was artistic.

They were very modest, so they only ever whispered it to each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30evrm/my_parents_always_said_i_was_artistic/
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Courtesy of my ECON professor

Two men decide to go fishing on a Saturday.  They rent equipment, take off early in the morning and enjoy a relaxing day out on the water.  Unfortunately, they only catch one fish apiece.
On the ride home, they share their disappointment.  The first man says, "You know, with all the money we spent, these fish cost us about $500 each."
The second man says, "Wow!  It's a good thing we didn't catch anymore."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30etjh/courtesy_of_my_econ_professor/
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A man received the following text from his neighbour....

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30emcz/a_man_received_the_following_text_from_his/
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The Moth Joke

So a moth goes into a podiatrists office.
"Come in," says the podiatrist, "What's the problem?"
The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says "What's the problem? I don't even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I'm too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I've gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we've ever had to face in this region. Isn't it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn't that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there's my son. Doc, I don't love him anymore. I don't know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn't such a coward, Doc, I know I'd be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I'd be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I'm judgemental yet I care about nothing. I'm bitter, hateful and afraid. I'm alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease."
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says "Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I'm a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why'd you come in here?"
The moth says,"Your light was on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ek3q/the_moth_joke/
